Insulting English 0312272081, 9780312272081

Citation preview

Peter Novobatzky ail Ammon Shea

ISBN 0-312-27208-1

$17.95 $

16 9 ^ CAN. .

compendium of INGENIOUSLY INSULTING WORDS At

last, a

FOR EVERY OCCASION

OR ANYONE WHO by the

level

of

S

BEEN STYMIED

sloth,

bad looks,

and low intelligence of his fellow man (and

woman), help

is

on the way. You cant change BOSTON

now

the tiresome creatures around you, but

Boston.

you can describe them behind their backs with pleasing specificity.

Copley

MA

Yes, Insulting English

is

a users guide to

little-

PUBLIC

Square

021

known and much-needed words

that include:

Gubbertush Buck-toothed person

Hogminny A depraved young woman Nihilarian Person with a meaningless job

Pursy Fat and short of breath

Scombroid Resembling a mackerel

Tumbrel

A

person

who

is

drunk

to the

point of vomiting (continued on ha ck flap)

16

LIBRARY

r 1

)

I

.

Digitized by the Internet Archive in

2017 with funding from

Kahle/Austin Foundation

https://archive.org/detaiis/isbn_9780312272081

r^umiTinq

ENGLISH

ALSO BY PETER NOVOBATZKY AND

Depraved English

AMMON

SHEA

ST.

MARTIN'S PRESS

NEW YORK

(&tirSu{tmq

ENGLISH •••

PETER NOVOBATZKY and

AMMON

SHEA

—

INSULTING ENGLISH. Copyright

Novobatzky and

Ammon

© 2001

by Peter

Shea. All rights reserved.

Printed in the United States of America.

of this book

may be

No

part

used or reproduced in any

manner whatsoever without

written permission

except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles St.

or reviews. For information, address

Martin’s Press, 175 Fifth Avenue,

New York,

N.Y. 10010.

www.stmartins.com

Illustrations courtesy of the

New York Public

Library Picture Collection

Production Editor: David Stanford Burr

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Novobatzky, Peter. Insulting English / Peter

Ammon

Shea.

—

Novobatzky and

1st ed.

cm.

p.

Includes bibliographical references.

ISBN 1.

2.

0-312-27208-1

English language

—Obscene words Invective — Dictionaries.

English language

Dictionaries. I.

— Slang— Dictionaries.

Shea,

3.

Ammon.

II.

Title.

PE3721 .N68 2001

427—dc21 Eirst Edition:

10

9

8

7

6

June 2001

5

4

3

INTRODUCTION

At no time insults

in history has a

pathetic people.

As is

exclusively to

been more sorely needed than today. More than ever

before, the world

know

word book devoted

abounds with

You have

and

offensive, annoying,

up with them

to put

—why not

the correct words with which to describe them? a

speaker of English, you’re in luck.

as large, as descriptive,

No other language

or as splenetic. There seems to be

an English word for nearly every type of insult-worthy per-

son under the sun. stripe;

a

A

multitude of terms for idiots of every

legion of words to poke fun at the ugly, the

pompous, the overweight, and the ill-endowed. Erom conky (a big-nosed person) to qiiibbei^dick (a nasty quibbler), from najfin (a near-idiot) to milliinitiis (a

male

virgin),

from raddled

(aged and worsened from debauchery) to ripesuck (one easily bribed), every possible target of invective has

Our

first

book. Depraved

Ejiglish^

its

who

is

place.

focused on the perverse,

unseemly, and disgusting side of the language. By contrast, Inmlting English seeks to deliver the perfect epithet for every occasion.

Its

pages are alive with maniacs, cowards, boors,

slobs, outcasts, villains, fanatics, blowhards, misers, fusspots,

saps, compulsives, hacks,

and spongers. Some of these people

are unpleasant; others are merely unfortunate. All of

excellent targets of ridicule.

them

Male and female, young and

Vll

are old.

fiU

—we do not discriminate. The greedy, the cor-

and skinny

mpt, the unlucky, the mean, the loud, the smelly, the

lazy, the

vain, the pushy, the violent, the servile, the sex-crazed, the

ambitious, the argumentative, and the sensitive are

all

includ-

ed here.

Many ployed

when emmost insulting when

of the words in Insulting English are best

in a literal sense,

while others are

used metaphorically, or as exaggerations.

Of course,

the aver-

age reader cannot be expected to memorize every word in the book, or to carry

(although least a

bered

will

it

around with him or her everywhere

later.

or there if

ter in vain for

WTile

will resonate

That way, when your

—even

is

your date

a is a

cashier turns out to be an

cachinnator^

diamerdis^

your birthday

^you will

not splut-

want of the proper word.

it is

mainly concerned with describing the world

and the people in

it

with the most precise terminology. In

the end, the most devastating insult

—

if

unflattering

is

nothing more than an

—description

defects, or shortcomings. Accordingly, this

—

at

Insulting English will be a useful resource for verbal

aggressors,

accurate

we hope that at enough to be remem-

in a coat pocket). Still,

few of the entries

acalculiac.^

party

fit

it

book have very

of

a person’s faults,

most of the words

specific definitions,

such

as “a

woman

who talks too much” {chaterestre)^ “a man who wears much cologne” iinuscod)^ or “a person who shouts all

One who cannot count or do simple math. One who laughs loudly or excessively. A man who is covered in feces. '

^

Vlll

in

too the

time” {klazomaniac). Such people

words words

for

them

insults,

is

exist,

do they not?

only natural. Fairly

may we

To

call

have these

but they are also just descriptions of reality.

You may have had

the experience of learning a

only to immediately encounter

it

in

new word,

many unexpected

places.

WTiile even the best-known words contained herein {mynnidon^^ for example) are obscure

them

new

in print, in

life

enough

your eyes

will

insights after reading this book.

becomes lodged

shotclog^

notice that which just imagine:

it

in

that

to the

For once

your brain, you

all

a

word

will

like

begin to

up everywhere. And

book you now hold, you

able to share your unpleasant and cutting

with

will rarely see

be opened to startling

describes popping

Thanks

you

new

will

be

observations

your friends and enemies. Such are the joys of hisnlt-

ing English.

fanatically obedient follower.

*An unpleasant drinking companion, tolerated only because he the drinks.

IX

is

buying

I

I

'

*

•

/'\j;

’

’I

i>

.

I

.

4

4

9

t

J.

A NOTE ON THE

ENTRIES

We are not professional etymologists or lexicographers. We simply enjoy combing through dictionaries, lexicons, and other word books, looking for obscure and interesting

words. Every entry in Insulting English

There

are

a real

no slang words, and no neologisms

legitimate English words.

ography

is

at the

Our

English word.

—only

actual,

sources are listed in the bibli-

back of the book.

The

pronunciation guides

(and they are only crude guides) are intended for American accents.

The

sentences demonstrating the words in action

relate fictional situations

and appear here for the

first

time.

1

f

A ablutophobic /ab

LOOT

o

FO

bik/ adj

Pathologically

*

afraid of bathing. [Latin ablutio a washing +

“To punish him

for

Greek phobos

fear]

committing the unnatural

the chalkboard eraser, Mrs. Schneider forced

every day next to the ablutophobic

girl,

act with

Henry

to

sit

the one with the

thick pigtails and the faint but unmistakable odor of old

sausage about her.”

compare odorivector, stinkard abydocomist /ab

ee do

CO mist/ n

•

A liar who boasts of his

or her falsehood.

“There were

lots

of abydocomists working the phones

the underground telemarketing firm, but Neville,

who would

cheerfully swindle a

none could top

widowed grand-

mother out of her annuity fund and then climb atop and trumpet,

‘I

am

the king of the lying worms!’

compare

fissilingual

1

at

”

his

desk

acalculiac /ay kal

KOOL

ak/ n

ee

•

Someone who cannot

count or do simple math.

“Mortimer could remember gusted with being

exactly

when he became

high school math teacher.

a

It

was the day

he met with the principal to discuss the acalculiacs

freshman the bai\

class,

dis-

in his

and the bureaucrat kept whispering: ^Lower

Moit! Lowe?’

the bar!''

”

compare agrammaticist

CRO

acrotophiiiac /uh is

toe

FEEL

ee

ak/ n

»

A

person

who

sexually attracted to the stumps of amputees.

One are all,

of the

first

words

in the

book, and already the authors

making fun of the infirm. It doesn’t seem quite fair; after an amputee needs love as much as the next person. To

make it up to our lesser-limbed friends, we have decided to throw them a bone, in the form of a list detailing the correct word for eveiy different type of person strangely and help

powerfully aroused by the absence of an appendage.

acrotomophiliac

—One who enjoys fantasizing that

her sexual partner ameliotist

amputee

—A

as a

is

his or

an amputee.

person

who

is

sexually attracted to an

whole, not just to his or her stump.

—One

apotemnophiliac

amputee; one

who

who schemes

to

fantasizes about being an

amputate some part of

his

or her body in order to gain sexual pleasure.

—

monopediomaniac Someone with a sexual attraction or psychological dependence on a one-legged person, compare dysmorphophiliac

2

ULT er een/ n

adulterine /ad

A

•

person born of an adul-

terous union.

The

between an adulterine and

distinction

that a bastard

is

the issue of an adulterous union; that

is,

who are married, just not to each other. derived much of their original sting from con-

one involving Both terms

is

simply the offspring of unwed parents, while

is

an adulterine

a bastaj'd

folks

ventional attitudes, grounded in religion, toward marriage

and

however, has triumphed by evolving into

sin. Bastard,

broader definition. Nowadays, calling someone

mean

does not necessarily

that the person

now

is

remains stuck in

its

a

bastard

was born out of

mean and despicable. But commonly used insult, adulterine

wedlock, just that he or she while bastai'd

a

a

is

original, specific

meaning, and

is

not often

used.

compare gandermooner, uzzard, wetewold aerocolpos /air

o

KOLE pose/ n

•

Vaginal flatulence;

air

or

gas trapped in the vagina.

[Greek aer

air + kolpos

bosom or

fold]

Yes, there exists a technical term for this unmentionable

occurrence. So

why

doesn’t anyone

know what

to properly

Other unappealing bodily functions are known by official names; why does aerocolpos have to go by

call it?

their

quijf (meaning, literally, “puff of air”)?

concept

still

elicits

some

Could

it

be that this

feelings of queasiness or

embar-

rassment with certain people? Remember, gentle reader:

aerocolpos

is

as natural as breathing. Just

occurs during sex doesn’t

mean

3

it is

because

it

often

something to be ashamed

)

lowever, this does not

ot. (I

poke fun

at

it.

mean

that the authors cannot

...

compare eproctolagniac ageustia /ay taste;

GOOSE

complete or

n

tee iih/

•

Absence of

of the sense of

partial loss

sense of

a

taste.

\a

(neg.) + Cireek geusis taste]

A

metaphorical gem, and a useful code word to share with a

friend.

S)auptoms of this actual medical condition include

a tol-

erance for dubious foods, and the wearing of stripes with plaid.

“Either Janice’s

new

in-laws possessed a highly evolved

sense of humor, or they suffered from severe ageustia. else to explain their

that blurted the

wedding

How

neon cuckoo clock

present, a

theme songs from seventies sitcoms every

quarter hour?”

compare bedizen agramatidst /ay gyam

AT iss

ist/

n

•

One

suffering from

agyainiuatkimv. the inability to form sentences.

“Nathan was this

a lifelong

aggramaticist, but was able to put

shortcoming to good use

Speaking entirely

in

in his

chosen career:

disconnected sound

bites,

politics.

he truly was

the candidate for the twenty-first century.”

compare acalculiac agitatrix /aj ih

who

TAY trix/

n

•

A

female agitator;

a

woman

agitates.

Men

can recognize the dreaded agitatrix by these

utterances:

“Does

this dress

make me look

4

fat?”

telltale

“Do you

n

“Why don’t you

think she’s cute?”

tell

me you

love

me?” and

the ever-popular “You’re not allowed to fart in bed.”

compare baratress

/AV dl/ v

aidle

•

“To

earn one’s bread indifferently well.”

(Charles Mackay’s Lost Beauties of the English Language^ 1874)

“Aidling away the months selling greeting cards door-todoor, Michelle didn’t care all.

if

she sold two, twelve, or none at

She did enjoy taking three-hour lunches, however, and

could often be seen sitting in a quiet and shady corner of the

park catching up on her reading.”

compare eyeservant, ploiter alacuoth /al uh

KOO oth/

Involuntary defecation dur-

•

ing sex.

Befouling oneself circumstances

is

difficult to

—how much

more

cope with

in the best of

so with such unfortunate

timing.

No

doubt many readers

will

immediately cast alacuoth

onto that dung heap of the mind where one chucks

all

unpleasant things one would rather forget. But while

it

be one of those words of which rant,

it

demands

it is

the

may

happiest to remain igno-

inclusion in any unflinching discussion of

the descriptive capacities of the English language.

“Milo knew what he was looking for

when he

finally

found one who didn’t

woman, and seem to mind his in a

chronic alacuoth, he slapped a ring on her finger in two whisks of a lamb’s

tail.”

compare dyspareunia, sterky

5

GAZ

allorgasmia /al or

someone other than Allorgasmia

is

77tee

iih/

n

one’s partner during sex.

not usually something one openly dis-

cusses with one’s sexual partner. But

What’s more, the spice saves

more

Fantasizing about

•

brings to the

it

relationships than

is

it

fairly

common.

bedroom probably

the marital therapists west

all

of the Missippippi. So, the next time allorgasmia causes the

supermarket checkout

girl

appearance in your bed

—

about

make

or delivery boy to

er,

—try not to

head

feel

a

guest

too guilty

it.

compare anagapesis alothen /AL

From

then/ v

o

To grow disgusting.

•

people to cultural phenomena to leftover tuna

casserole, there are so

alothen that the reader

many is

potential uses for the

encouraged to

let his

word

or her imag-

ination run wild.

compare turdefy ambisinister terity with

/am

bi

SIN ist

er/ adj

both hands; having “two

[Latin ambi both + sinister

Lacking manual dex-

®

left

hands.”

left]

“Spencer, the airport baggage-handler, had the perfect job for

someone

as

ambisinister

as himself.

lem of punching the clock by holding teeth, but the

mandatory coffee break

compare looby

6

solved the prob-

his time card in his

still

ards for him, and he kept a rubberized for the occasion.”

He

posed special haz-

poncho

in his locker

amourette /am oor ET/ n

A

•

petty or insignificant love

affair.

“Edward KJeeger, astated

when

titan

of business and industry, was dev-

the dominatrix he wined and dined on week-

ends told him that she was moving on, saying: ‘You were never more than an amourette, Ed, and not one, at that.’

very enjoyable

”

PLEX

amplexus /am toad or

a

us/ n

t

The mating embrace

of

a

a frog.

Erom

the endlessly descriptive world of biology

this sparkler

of

a

word. Since

it is

common enough

to a repulsive person as a toad, a figurative use for

comes

to refer

amplexus

logically presents itself.

“The

last

thing

ing in the men’s

I

remembered from

room

that evening

to escape the attentions of the vile

Mrs. Elamm. Early the next morning

bed with I

a terrible

was hid-

I

awoke

in a strange

hangover, only to realize with horror that

was firmly caught

in her

amplexus.”

compare strene anaclitic /an

uh

KLIT

ik/ adj

1)

Overly dependent on

others for emotional support. 2) Overly dependent on one’s

mother. [Greek ana again, up, back +

klinein to lean]

“Everyone warned Ellen that she was coddling her teenage son, hut she just couldn’t

from bed for

a

sponge hath, and so

continued to deepen.”

7

resist

when he whined

his anaclitic

dependency

"

As she

dries off her husband^s tears,

Beth wrinkles her nose up mid sneers, ^'Not to he

a

but you're

still

aitic,

anaclitic,

and your mother's been dead now for years.

compare rectopathic anagapesis /an uh gap

EE sis/ n

#

A loss of feelings

for

one

formerly loved.

This

is

a terrible

yet useful word. For

all

who

those

at

one

time or another have clumsily and ineffectually struggled to

you anymore,” without having

say, “I don’t love

say

it,

you”

to actually

don’t be fooled: “I love you. I’m just not in love with is

a horrible

other cliches,

thing to

it is

tell

better to

To

somebody.

one’s ex-to-be that one has

tell

been stricken with anagapesis

avoid this and

—then

get the hell out of

there before he or she reaches for the dictionary.

compare allorgasmia, anaxiphilia anaxiphilia /Ian

love with the

Another afflictions,

AX if EEL ee uh/ n

wrong

in a

#

The

person.

long

list

of depressingly

anaxiphilia can befall anyone.

not an insult per

act of falling in

se, it

common human

While

can be used to gently rib

this

—or

word

is

brutally

—someone who has recently had his or her heart

make fun of crushed.

compare anagapesis androgalactozemia

/AN

dro gal

AK

toe

Secretion of milk from the male breast.

8

ZEE

wee uh/ n

#

[Greek andros

man

+ gala milk + ze7rna loss]

Could any creature be more deserving of ridicule than the man with androgalactozemia? Probably not. The only consolation for the poor slob with this condition

most people don’t believe such

when confronted with to laugh, at least at

it

a

is

that since

thing can actually happen,

they will probably he too perplexed

first.

“Raymond eschewed doctors, and working with a homemade surgical kit of knitting needles, rubber plugs, and Super Glue, bravely dealt with his androgalactozemia on his own.”

compare pogogniasis anhedonia /an hed

O

nee uh/

n

The

•

inability to experi-

ence feelings of pleasure or happiness. \an (neg.) +

Greek hedone pleasure +

As people with anhedonia

ia\

make life word worth

are quite likely to

miserable for everyone around them, this

is

a

knowing.

“Audrey surrendered

to her

anhedonia and married

shriveled and whining orthodontist.

It

was impos-

her to he happy anyway. At least this way she got

sible for full

Why not?

a

dental coverage.”

compare antithalian

/AN im

animalist

al ist/

x\

A person who

•

engages

in bes-

tiality.

“As

a

boxer. Hector ‘The Animalist’ Suarez was rather

proud of

his

moniker, thinking that

it

doubtless

made

refer-

ence to some boundless crop of energy that he possessed. In reality,

it

stemmed more from

9

his nightly habit

of drinking

ANIMALIST

himself insensate enough to couple with anything with a pulse.”

compare anthropozoophilic, avisodomy ankyloproctia /an

kil o

PROK tee iih/ n

•

A severe constric-

tion of the anus. [(ireek ankylos bent, crooked + proktos anus]

d'he perfect word to describe a tight-ass.

“Donald’s ankyloproctia came as

pudgy gourmand.

1 1

is

doctors had

now

a terrible

restricted

blow to the

him

to a diet

consisting entirely of foods that could easily pass through his

narrowed system, such

as

baby food and overripe bananas.”

compare sterky

10

anorgasmic

/AN or GAZ ??iik/ adj

gasm during sex. “While the anorgasmic

•

Failing to achieve or-

relations he suffered with his fifth

Simon would have wished upon they were certainly an improvement over the situa-

wife were not something himself,

tion with his previous brides,

sleep with

him

all

of

whom

had refused to

at all.”

compare dyspareunia anteric

/lanTER

/^/adj

t

Seeking vengeance for slighted love.

“In an anteric rage, Sarah decided that slashing the tires

of her ex-boyfriend’s pickup truck just wasn’t enough. So she set

it

ablaze and flung herself on top of it.”

compare anaxiphilia

/AN thiv PO zoo FILL ik/ 2id]

anthropozoophilic to both people

we

this

man

term

find another use for

‘Any port

Edmund,

+ zoon animal + philein to lovel

primarily employed to describe insects,

is

are confident that

“

Attracted

and animals.

[Greek anth7-opos

While

•

some of our more deviant

readers will

it.

in a storm,’

after the third

his licentious advances,

terms to go and sleep

thought the anthropozoophilic

and

last

farmer’s daughter rebuffed

and he was told

in

no uncertain

in the barn.”

compare animalist, avisodomy, omnifutuant antinomian /an

tee

NOME

ee

believes that faith in Christ frees legal obligations.

11

an/ n

•

A

person

who

him or her from moral and

“No one paying

own he

in his small

taxes,

using

a

Southern town objected to Lloyd not

homemade

license plate, or flying his

separatist flag proclaiming his trailer home/arsenal to

a ‘principality

of Jesus.’ But there had to be

when

gious expression, and

the zealous

ticket line at the high school football

a limit to reli-

antinomian cut the

game,

a

lynching party

quickly coalesced out of the throng.”

compare eisegetical, tartuffe antithalian /an tee

TtL4LE

an/

ee

adj

(•

Disapproving of

laughter or festivity.

“Many mayor’s laughed

citizens

were distressed by the law-and-order crusade

antithalian

of ticketing

anyone

in public (‘It’s a quality-of-life issue,’

he

who

insisted).

But no one could deny that the policy, when enforced, lent the city something of a genteel and cultivated air.”

compare anhedonia, cachinnator antivitruvian /an in

ti

vit

ROO vee an/ adj

m

Taking pleasure

destroying architectural monuments.

This wonderfully

name of

a

famed

specific

Roman

word comes

to us

architect, Vitruvius.

from the

While

it

is

unlikely that the reader will ever have an opportunity to rise at a

town meeting and,

raising his or her voice in a stentorian

more than a base and vile antivitruvianist!,” it is still a word that every lover of fine buildings should know. Certainly there seem to be an inordinate number of these despicable creatures in circulation fashion, cry: “You,

sir,

are nothing

today.

“Once he promised them

a fifty-dollar tax credit,

12

most of

the townsfolk

came around

to supporting the councilman’s

down the seventeenth-century with a new cinderblock courthouse.”

antivitruvian plan to rip

town

hall

and replace

it

compare grimthorpe apoglutic

0

GLOO r/^/adj

For those readers

who

Having

•

a tiny

rump.

prefer rear ends that are built for

comfort and not for speed, the authors offer apoglutic for use as an insult.

“As

a

personal trainer to the

for her ability to render

Rolanda was renowned

stars,

anyone apoglutic. Indeed, she

refused to consider a client a success until her posterior was

skinny enough to make sitting on

it

decidedly uncomfort-

able.”

compare kakopygian, unipygic apophallation Zap practice of

o

fal

AY

shim/ n

•

Among

slugs, the

chewing off a partner’s penis following

Slugs are

endowed with what

is

sex.

proportionately one of

the largest penises in the animal kingdom; an eight-inch slug can have a

member

that

is

just as

long

as

he

is.

There

is

downside to such phallic magnificence, however. Every so often a slug will get stuck. Imagine: you’re hot and sweaty, the deed has been done, and you really want notha terrible

ing so

much

just can’t

ing

it

as a cigarette

and

a

shower, but your partner

withdraw. Can you really blame the slug for chew-

off?

“Mr. Duval was

a dedicated, if slightly unstable, health

teacher. Nevertheless, there

among the

local parents

was some degree of controversy

when he began showing

13

nature films

of animals engaging in apophallation to his sophomore class as a deterrent to sexual activity.”

compare dyspareunia

/ASS ot/w “Her first day

assot

m at

To make her

first

had thoroughly assorted

a fool of.

job out of college, and Kirsten

They’d

herself.

told her to ‘dress

her best’ for work, and so she had donned the only finery she had: her bright green

the humiliation

atolmia /ay

prom

when they

dress

sent her

TOLE mee uh/ n

from

five

home

Oh,

in tears!”

Impotence

®

years ago.

in a

man due

to

lack of confidence.

“Operating according to the credo ‘You’ve got to break

man

a

way down before you can build him up again,’ the Longwell Institute for Male Pleasure (L.I.M.P.) racked up several successes as well as a large number of spectacular all

failures

the

—with

—

its

‘tough love’ approach to curing atolmia.”

compare anorgasmic, peniculas autosmia /aw

TOZ mee uh/ n

The

•

smelling of one’s

own

bodily odors. [Greek auto

self +

osme smell]

“Jared was an outcast his whole

life,

somehow never

grasping that his erotic obsession with autosmia was part of the reason why.”

compare odorivector autotheist /aw

or she

is

toe

THEE ist/ n

God.

14

m

One who

believes that he

“Fisk’s

many minions were accustomed

autotheist’s monstrous egotism.

was

It

his

to the billionaire

complete neglect

of even the most basic personal hygiene that took

a bit

more

getting used to.”

compare pleionosis avisodomy /uh VIZ with

o

dome

ee/

n

#

The

act of having sex

a bird.

come a time when you word that means to have

Live long enough and there will desperately wish that you

knew

a

sex with a bird. Bereft of such knowledge,

sputter and cast about in vain before ful

most people

coming up with

will

a color-

but crude expression, such as ‘duck-fucker.’

Avisodomy covers sexual congress with any type of bird, but it is most commonly applied to fowl. “Although they were the only house on campus that insisted their pledges be videotaped

Sigma Tau Delta had such

a

engaging

in

avisodomy,

degree of social cachet, and

threw such splendid mixers, that they had more pledges clamoring to ioin than any other three

fraternities

bined.”

compare animalist, anthropozoophilic

15

com-

badling

/BAD Img/ n

A man who

#

is

effeminate or

worthless. [Old English baedling a womanish man]

“After the storm,

all

women

the

and children bailed

Not Lucas hopped up and down in the

desperately to keep the lifeboat from sinking. the badling, though. stern, flapping his

oh, my!’

He

arms

just

and exclaiming, ‘Oh my,

in the air

”

compare subvirate barathrum /BA rath rum/ n

An

extortionist

So

who

will

called after the

•

not be

1.

insatiable glutton. 2.

satisfied.

Barathrum,

Athens into which criminals,

An

alive

a pit outside the city

of

and dead, were thrown.

compare gulchin, rabiator baratress

/BA ruh

She may just

tress/

n

•

as easily pick

A female quarreler. on

16

a

woman, but like her cousin

BARATHRUM

the agitatrix, the baratress strikes a special fear into the

heart of

many

man. For who knows what comment,

a

innocuous though invoke the

ire

cent, such as

of

a

it

might seem,

baratress?

It

will raise the hackles

could be something inno-

“That dress looks good on you,” or

an incredibly stupid statement,

and

like “I

it

could be

had lunch with

my ex-

girlfriend today.”

compare barkled

/BARK

agitatrix,

Id/ adj

#

breedbate, quibberdick Encrusted with

dirt;

used espe-

cially to describe a person’s skin.

“Rich though she was, Hetty

owed her something, and she

still

fancied that society

tried to bilk the state out of as

17

much

welfare as she could.

There was always

get her children looking as barkled and

ill

a

mad

rush to

clad as possible

each time the caseworker came to her door.”

compare trugabelly barlichood

/BAR

lich

“All the regulars at

Drunk and mean.

•

ood/ adj

McKenna’s looked forward

o’clock with keen anticipation. For that was

to seven

when

Gleason, thoroughly barlichood with cheap gin, begin hollering with rage at the nightly news on the

Mr. would

old

TV over

the bar.”

compare debacchate, zowerswopped

/BA ruh

barrator

tor/

n

#

An ambulance-chasing

lawyer.

Yes, there exists a time-honored term for this bottomfeeder.

There

is

nothing

so tike

as a slick patch of ice

on the sidewalk to the

For

barrator.

idthnately^ all tnisery

is iisefid for

With

lining his pockets more.

gt'eat indignation^

he gets yon the monies

to

andfiiry imbfddled^

which yoidre

entitled.

compare bdelloid, leguleian, rabulistic bathetic /bnh

THET ik/ adj

“Samantha was

#

Falsely sentimental.

truly sickened

by the way her weasel-like

boyfriend went to such great lengths to avoid taking the

18

blame

waxing bathetic and crying

for anything, frequently

crocodile

After one such

tears.

dumped

episode too many, she

pot of boiling spaghetti water on his foot and

a

announced

that she

was leaving.”

compare rectopathic bdelloid

/DELL

[Greek

old/ adj

•

Resembling

a leech.

hdella leech + oid\

younger brother refused

“Paige’s bdelloid

to get a job,

arguing that he hadn’t ‘found the right thing yet.’ Instead, he continued to siphon bed and board off of his friends and

a

roster of fleeting lovers.”

compare barrator

beadledom /BEEduldum/n

Petty and stupid officialdom.

•

Nonsensical rules stubbornly adhered to are one hallmark of

beadledom, the

culture of which

But beadledom the standard

is

not

mode

just

is

seemingly always expanding.

about red tape.

insufferable

parking-lot attendant

her pickup truck

somehow little

hut

of mind:

of thinking for most of the lazy, stupid,

mean, and self-important people who

“The

It is a state

five

staff

beadledom of made Joyce see

our bureaucracies.

the

snotty teenage

red. After reparking

times within the white lines

unsatisfactorily

—she

—each time

grimly backed up over his

in revenge.”

compare spuddle beau-nasty /bow

The

NASS tee/ n

•

A slovenly

fop.

correlation between vanity and personal hygiene

sometimes

a

tenuous one.

19

is

“Armanci the beau-nasty was almost ready for date.

He donned

malodorous

his

wrinkled but expensive

his

Italian shoes,

and admired

the mirror. Noticing a clot of spackling

he donned

hair,

a

fedora at

a rakish

his blind

shirt, slipped

on

his reflection in

compound

in his

angle and strutted out

the door.”

compare muscod bedizen /bee

DIZ en/w

To dress in a flashy or vulgar man-

*

ner. [be-^-

dizen to dress gaudily]

“Most of the

time, our aunt

attractive person.

sion,

When

however, such

as

fully

Martha was

bedizened

a quietly

un-

for a special occa-

one of her semiannual dates with

the local knacker, she transformed into a scarecrowlike

monstrosity.”

compare callomaniac, bedung with

/bee

DUNG/ v

#

1)

mab

To cover with shit.

2)

To daub

shit.

There

are

many words

mental matter, but

it is

delicate shadings of

in English

rare to

having to do with excre-

come

across one with such

meaning. Useful for describing every-

thing from the object that has been daubed with the lightest

and most gauzy shadings of ordure to the farmer who has had

his fertilizer tractor

overturn on him,

bedung

is

special,

compare bemute, bepiss, bespawled, bevomit begrutten /bee

GROO ten/ adj

or disfigured from weeping.

20

#

Having one’s

face swollen

grutten (past participle of greet,

[he-ro/W/ adj

on

a stillborn antelope.”

Resembling

•

a

mackerel.

of the odder words in the singularly descriptive and

comprehensive language we used

that she

— and insecure about — they leapt

this vulnerability like jackals

One

made

fewer

it;

the reader

One day

is

still

call

the occasion

may

Few

people have

something without

to describe

urged to commit

English.

it

to

gills. Still,

memory. For who knows?

very well arise to insult a sallow,

saucer-eyed, chinless, thick-lipped runt of a fellow. In this case,

no other term

scrag

/SKRAG/ n

There guage. in

is

a glut

Terms

will do.

®

A lean and

of words for

fat

bony person. people in the English lan-

needed

for their skinny counterparts are sorely

order to provide some semblance of balance, especially

today, with images of pouting, glamorized scrags festooning

every billboard and magazine cover within eyeshot. Unfairly,

such words are relatively few and

between, so make the

far

most of scrag. “ tle

‘You can never be too rich or too

scrag said to

herself,

thin,’ the

unhappy

washing down her guilty

feast

lit-

of

half a rice cake and a stalk of celery with a diet protein drink

on her way home from aerobics

class.”

compare chichiface, gammerstang screable

/SKREE iih

Every so often

m

bl/ adj

Which may be

a city or municipality will

public campaign exhorting

its

spit

wage some

citizens to not spit so

124

upon. sort of

much, or

SCRAG

125

to not spit

on the sidewalk. While these

efforts are laudable,

they really don’t go far enough. Certainly sidewalks should

not be the recipient of all this expectoration, at least not

when

many screable people to go around. Indeed, life abounds with people who deserve to be spit on. So the next time you hawk and clear a gob of phlegm from your throat, there are so

hold on to

your eye

it

for a while; chances are

settles

it

will

not be long before

upon some eminently screable

individual,

compare bespawled, sialismus screeve

V

•

/SKREEV/ n

To write

A begging letter.

*

begging

letters.

A writer of begging letters “Soaring tuition and

a

known

is

as a screever.

renewed emphasis on

practical

education led the small progressive college to require

incoming freshmen

Screeving 101

to take

all

in addition to

algebra and a foreign language. Instead of a term paper, stu-

dents had to convince their parents to wire

sand dollars to cover

them one thou-

medical emergency.”

a fictional

compare cadator, mumblecrust scybalous /SIB

il

us/ adj

Resembling small, hardened

*

chunks of feces that can form Sure, this

is

colon

{scybala).

an obscure medical term that nobody will

understand should you whip cares?

in a diseased

it

out in an argument, but

who

Off the top of one’s head, one would be hard-pressed

to think of a

more

offensive thing to say to

that they resemble a small

and hardened

inside a diseased internal organ.

compare coproma

126

someone than

fecal

mass lodged

/SEEK

seeksorrow

sojtow/ n

#

One who

seeks to give

himself vexation.

This word applies to everybody

For reasons that are hard

at

one time or another.

to understand,

we do such

things as

venture to the mall the day after Thanksgiving, try to

own plumbing, and become well as

fall

shilpit

/SHILL

in love,

fix

our

fans of losing sports teams (as

have babies, and go on family vacations).

pit/ adj

•

Feeble, puny, or sickly. 2)

1)

Weak, good-for-nothing, or watered-down. With its various definitions, all clustering around the notion of worthless, shilpit is a good meat-and-potatoes type of general

Happily for us

insult.

describe just about anything.

There was once a shilpit

.

.

all, it

can he used to

.

iJtan

living hi a shilpit house.

He drove a shilpit car and wed a

He had a to

shilpit spouse.

shilpit job

which he had

to go.

And sipped a shilpit

beer

watching a shilpit show.

compare imbonity

shotclog

/SHOT

klog/ n

An

•

unpleasant drinking com-

panion, tolerated only because he or she

is

buying the drinks.

(This particular form of generosity will absolve

“As

a

shotclog par excellence,

transform his inheritance into

a

127

Woodrow

many sins.)

was able to

form of social acceptance,

at

among the circle of alcoholic whose company he preferred.”

least

yet

artists

who

despised him,

compare spunger sialismus /sai

iih

The problem

LIZ muss/ n # An

excessive flow of saliva. is

not

It is

the

with people afflicted with sialismus

much

mouths.

just that

they have too

fact that

they often seem to be hell-bent on sharing

the world

when they

talk.

spit in their

Nobody

loves a spitter.

it

with

Not even

own mother.

his

wannabe with a death wish, Henderson as so many of secretly felt that choking on his own vomit would be ‘a good his musical idols had done before him way to go out.’ He almost, but not quite, got his wish when his sialismus caused him to drown painlessly in his own “As

a rock-star

—

spittle

—

while sleeping one night.”

compare bespawled, screable skimmington /SKIM ing ton/ n

man whose

wife beat

•

A

ceremony

in

him or cheated on him was

which

a

publicly

ridiculed.

The skimmington had eral

its

heyday

in English villages sev-

hundred years ago. However one

feels

about the social

climate of that time and place, one must admit those English villagers possessed a real sense of “It

community.

was ratings month again, and

just like

clockwork

all

the daytime talk shows put their best foot forward: nothing

but big breasts and surprise skimmingtons would grace the airwaves for the next four weeks.”

compare legruita, wetewold

128

slockster

/SLOKster/n

One who

»

entices

away another’s

servants.

Slockster

how

is

one of those words that provide

a

notion of

people lived in the past. Because formerly the issue of

away servants must have been an important one, or there would have been no need for such a word. Then, as now, good help was probably hard to find. Today most peo-

stealing

ple don’t have servants, but a kind of slockster

enough

in

is

common

other areas of the labor market, such as profes-

sional sports.

“Judge Hobarth had made law.

WTen

the time

came

a lot

of enemies upholding the

for his reelection, vicious

of mysterious origin began to circulate atheist, a

he was an

drunk, and a slockster.”

slotterhodge “It

—how

rumors

/SLOTer /7(y/n

•

A messy eater.

was always an ordeal dining with Mr. and Mrs. Slot-

terhodge, and their gross corpulence only made their contemptible manners less excusable. Dribbling gravy from their chins, leaning over one’s plate with their

mouths

asking hopefully, ‘You using that drumstick?’ they

full,

and

made me

want to vomit.”

compare gundygut

smeke /SMEEA/v

«

To

go too

far in one’s flattery.

“Ingratiating small talk was Casey’s specialty. But as

words were out of his mouth, he realized he had smeked badly by referring in passing to his host’s

soon

as the

‘beautiful

daughter.’

strongly resembled

a

In

reality,

monkey on 129

the

girl

in

question

the Nature Channel.

The

SLOTTERHODGE

question was, could he backtrack without making things

worse?”

compare fart-sucker, subsycophant sneckdraw

/SNEK draw/

house; a thief. Hence, any “All the

swimming

n

One who

#

sly,

stealthily enters a

crafty person.

campers were supposed to go to the lake for lessons, but Ferdinand, the eight-year-old

draw, had other

ideas.

sneck-

Backtracking to the cabins on tiptoe,

he made directly for the bunks of those children

who had

received care packages, and spent the next hour gorging

130

on

manner of candy. He then he wet

all

towel, and hid along the path to

fall

his hair,

grabbed

his

in step with the return-

ing troop.”

compare snudge snivelard

/SNIV uh

the nose; a

With

lard/

of

•

Someone who

speaks through

whiny person. similarity to sniveler^ snivelard certainly has a

its

contemptible cast to fart)

n

a

another example (see clatter-

It is

it.

very insulting-looking word that has an only

slightly insulting definition.

Such words

when one

are useful

wishes to heap scorn upon someone but lacks better nition. “I

am

sir,

Some

ammu-

pretty good insults can be formed thusly, as in

not in the habit of arguing with snivelards.

And

you,

are a snivelard.”

“The smarmy and repugnant little snivelard at the Help Desk so offended Marcie that when he turned his back for a moment she struck him in his bald spot with the courtesy phone, then acted

through

his

like

/SNOLL

person, especially

but he also

campaign

And

if

ee

GOSS

ter/

n

An

unprincipled

really

have sex with

•

his

knew

opponent didn’t that

it

would

steal

momentum from

he had to take time out to deny the rumor.

before anyone could squeal foul, the

goster had

he whined

a politician.

“Ethan knew that

his

as

nose in pain.”

snollygoster

pigs,

nothing had happened

won

his third consecutive

term

young snollyas president

of

the high school debating society.”

compare boodler, empleomaniac, malversation, ripesuck

131

snool

/SNOOIJ

V

•

"Fo depress

someone by constantly

chiding or nagging him or her.

“Three days into the vacation with

his wife,

two children,

and sister-in-law, Artie was so thoroughly snooled that he

more than hunker in the hack of the camper, sobbing quietly into his can of Dinty Moore.” could do

little

SNOOL

132

n

sr\ouXha\\A

/SNOUT band/

rupts his or her

“Goddard even farting

One who

•

companions

in

constantly inter-

order to contradict them.

tried ignoring him, spilling his drink in his general direction.

on him,

Nothing, however,

but nothing would deter the cursed

little

snoutband

seated to his right at the dinner party, the one torpedoing

make

every one of his attempts to the ladies by contradicting

a

good impression with

of his carefully constructed

all

lies.”

snudge /SNUJ/n

A scoundrel who hides under the bed,

•

waiting for a chance to rob the house. “Patience was the key to Wolfgang’s status as class

snudge. Of course,

physique and

a

also helped to

it

a

world-

have a slender

bladder several times normal size.”

compare sneckdraw sodomitess /sod

o

ink ESS/ n

#

A

female sodomite, in the

passive sense.

A

thievish stockbroke?'

named Mel

was housed with an inmate from

Hell.

No sodomitess e^er felt such distress

as he felt every night in his

compare sophomaniac

Sophomania

is

ingler,

MAY nee ak/ n

/soff o

sion that he or she

cell.

is

a

poger •

One under

the delu-

wise.

common

and deeply

133

irritating condition

that can crop

however,

word

up

among

in

any type of person.

those with

a little

to the (genuinely) wise:

with sophomaniacs. pletely, or

poke them

too

It is

especially

much

rife,

education.

A

Don’t waste your time arguing

them com-

better to ignore

It is far

in the eye.

compare Gallomaniac, philosophaster, plutomaniac sporge /SPORJ/v

»

To

be afflicted with diarrhea.

Seen on the page, the word sporge looks

mean

just

about anything, from the sound of

one of the ingredients

rubber

ball to

WTiat

pleasant surprise to find that

a

afflicted

like

it

in a

a

it

bouncing

mesclun

actually

could

salad.

means

to be

with the runs.

INSTRUCTIVE RHYME FOUND SCRAWLED INSIDE A PORT-O-

POTTY AT THE ANNUAL GASTRO-ENDOCRINOLOGISTS’ CLAMBAKE: If on shellfish

we gof'ge,

Then soon we

will sporge.

compare imbulbitate, sterky spuddle

/SPUD

//

v

«

To

attend to trifling matters as

though they were of the greatest importance.

As

a derisive

term to describe the overofficious behavior

of self-important people, spuddle

one who has ever held

a job

spuddler. Career advancement

employees

who

is

invaluable. In fact, any-

should be familiar with the is

often bestowed

upon those

can spuddle more convincingly than their

coworkers.

“No one had

the heart to

tive little office boy, for

mock

adopting

nity every time he doled out the

134

Haverford, the consumpa ludicrous aura

of solem-

new vials of correction

fluid

spuddling afforded the poor sod

to the staff. Apparently,

main

his

satisfaction in life.”

compare beadledom spunger /SPf/NyVr/n

One who

•

drinks at the expense of

another.

This

the

is

spongers.

flip

Many

We

side of a shotclog.

have

all

known

of us have even aspired to be one.

Especially as they are pronounced the same, the reader

might well ask what with

a

is

spunger

the real difference between a

“u” and the familiar spojiger with an “o.” Well, this

more

spe-

Thomas Wright’s

Dic-

particular spelling also

seems to go along with

cific definition, at least

according to

tionaiy of Obsolete

“WTo came

a

and Provincial English of 1857.

out ahead?

It

was hard to

say.

The

friendless

and socially inept tavern owner footed the bill for round after round of whiskeys, but the pathetic spongers gathered

end of the bar had to pretend to enjoy his company, and to be interested in his endless stories that went

around him

at the

nowhere.

was

It

a sad situation all

around.”

compare shotclog sterky /STIR kee/ adj

Some ations.

people have

Perhaps

mechanism

it

is

•

a

Loose

in the

bowels from

tendency to get sterky

a vestige

fear.

in sticky situ-

from some primeval defense

—befouling oneself

as a last resort to avoid the

jaws of the lion. “

‘Are

you

sure everything’s

all

right in there, sir?’ F.

W.’s

executive assistant asked worriedly, knocking again on the

bolted bathroom door.

The

stockholders in the crowded

135

meeting

hall

were getting

cowered on the for the

restless

toilet, terrified

CEO

while their sterky

of having to answer publicly

bad quarterly report.”

Said the doelike young 7n an from

Tta'key^

whose walk was alaiTningly jerky^ "'Its

not that

Vm lame

enfeebled or game^ it's just

that r?n constantly sterky. ”

compare ankyloproctia, imbulbitate stinkard

A

/STINK ard/n

m

One who

stinks.

very special word for a very special person: he

stinks.

Some

who

stinkards are unaware of their stench, of

course. Others just don’t care.

“Finding work for Marcus,

a

confirmed stinkard

prioritized his right not to bathe,

was proving to be

who had a bit

of a

employment agency. Having no openings for lighthouse-keepers, they finally got him a job as night watchman at the town dump.” compare ablutophobic, diamerdis, muscod, odorivector challenge for the folks at the

strene

/STREEN/ v

To

#

copulate; said of a dog.

With its uncomfortable similarity to stram, strene is not much more genteel-sounding than the phrase doggy-style. But it

does have benefit of being obtuse.

“Mr. and Mrs. Bullinger thought they had

young couple

willing to

they had been trying to

wrong

buy

sell

finally

found

their split-level ranch,

for years.

a

which

Things got off on the

foot the day of the house tour, however,

when

the

neighbor’s bulldog happened to be strening with a ver-

136

minous mongrel

in the front

yard just as the prospective buy-

ers arrived.”

compare amplexus, fream subsycophant /sub SIK ofant/n

“The

•

A revolting parasite.

angels couldn’t decide in what form to reincarnate

Sasha, for in

life

that sending

he had been such

him back

worm was

as a

Finally, they elected to have

blow-up sex stamped on

a revolting

subsycophant

too good for him.

him spend

his next life as a

with the words ‘up to 350

doll,

lbs.

pressure’

his left ankle.”

compare bdelloid, fart-sucker, lickspigot

/SUB

subvirate

vih rate/

n

One whose manhood

»

is

im-

perfect or undeveloped.

Subvirate

one of those delightfully descriptive words

is

that are always

handy

to have around.

“Ettiene saw no reason

why women,

with their push-up

bras and the like, should be the only ones to feel better about

themselves by way of wearing an uncomfortable contraption.

And

so he fashioned a codpiece of sorts out of latex and

foam, and marketed

it

to subvirates with a taste for tight

clothing.”

compare badling, nullimitus, peniculas surd /Sf7/?D/n

§

A foolish

[Latin sttrdus silent, mute,

“Finding that bully and a class

and insensitive person.

dumbj

new schoolmates already had a class clown, Donahue took the bold step of comhis

bining the two roles, and as the class surd he would stomp

137

about making farting noises while he tormented the smaller children.”

swartwouter

/SWART wow

A fleeing embezzler.

•

ter/n

“Police searched the city in vain for Manfredy, the wily

swartwouter, but he was already halfway across the Atlantic with

a tote

bag

full

of junk bonds, chuckling softly to himself

over his second Mai Tai.”

compare boodler

swedge /SfPE/Zv Quoth

#

To

the sallow young

leave without paying one’s

man from New

as he gorged on milkshakes

^Sfrid

when

that

gives

it

I

bill.

York

and poj’k,

swedge

me an

edge

” if I first stab the host with a fo7‘k.

compare thrimmel symphoric /sim

“They had

FORE ik/ adj

•

Accident prone.

the patience of a dozen Jobs, the Butlers did,

but eventually they grew tired of having to constantly safe-

guard their house years.

after their

With dreams of childless

symphoric son

hit his teen

vacations and savings on col-

lege bills dancing through their heads, they began leaving

metal forks near electrical outlets and investing in furniture with pointy edges.”

compare looby synechthry /SIN ek three/ n in

•

enmity.

138

The

state of living together

Yes,

it

has a daunting spelling, and frankly the authors are

not absolutely sure ing that there

too-common

is

a

how

to

pronounce

word out there

situation

is

it.

But simply know-

that encapsulates this all-

worth something,

isn’t it?

“Insisting that they were staying together ‘for the chil-

dren’s sake,’ the Dorchesters spent twenty-five years gritting their teeth at each other in

brood,

all

of

riages of their

whom

synechthry and raised

a fine

eventually graduated to loveless mar-

own.”

139

m

tartuffe

TOOF/

/ta?-

n

•

m

A

religious hypocrite;

one who

affects piety.

(From the

A word

character of a play by Molierel

title

like

namely, with such posal, to list

who

whom

tartuffe a

presents

pleasing

dilemma:

wealth of potential targets at one’s dis-

does one apply the term?

To

the televange-

rants against homosexuality while indulging in a

wide variety of sexual pecadilloes?

man who

a

To the married congress-

professes a great love of the Scriptures, and

mean-

while boinks a series of twenty-something aides?

Tartuffe

is

Yes!

an equal-opportunity word and should be em-

ployed liberally to describe

all

manner of

religious hyp-

ocrites.

“Life at

Sunday school had not been pleasant

for

Linus; Father William in particular seemed to have the

young scamp. Then came

caught the wizened old tartuffe

that glorious day in a

it

young in for

when he

compromising position

while frolicking in the holy water. In exchange for his silence.

140

0 r

TARTUFFE

141

Linus got to drink

and sleep

in the

as

much

of the sacred wine as he wanted

hack pews during mass.”

compare anrinomian, eisegetical

TIK

testiculous /tess

yoo hiss/ adj

•

Having exceedingly

large testicles. [Latin testiculus testicle]

Certainly this it

word can be employed

also has other uses.

as a

compliment, but

For instance, who hasn’t

at

one time or

another been treated to the grotesque but strangely riveting spectacle of some prim

ulous dog down the

“No

matron walking an enormous, testic-

street?

more offspring than Gilbert, the testiculous milkman, whose forty-nine-year career spanned the man shortages of two world wars.” compare macromaniac sultan of Siam ever sired

thrimmel

/THRIM

el/

v

§

To

pay

a

debt in

a

mean and

niggardly fashion.

Here

it is:

the perfect

word

who just can’t thrimmeller. And

for those people

pay up gracefully. All the world hates

a

yet this species of tightfist prospers.

“As

a

mob

enforcer with intellectual aspirations, Luther

enjoyed peppering his shakedowns with five-dollar words. ‘Listen, bub,’

window by

he would say while hanging

his ankles, ‘Quit yer

debtor out the

thrimmelling, or yer side-

walk pizza, see?’”

compare swedge

142

a

/TIME sei-v

timeserver

opinions to

fit

erf n

•

A

person

who changes

his

the times, or to be compliant with a superior.

"Fhese spineless jellyfish are everywhere. Their only ent, a pernicious

knack for self-preservation,

is

tal-

enough

to

ensure that they will never be eradicated completely.

“As

a high-level

bureaucrat and professional timeserver,

Beisswenger had so attuned slightest shift in the political

his sensitive

antennae to the

winds that he had managed to

survive five different administrations. As for his official

no one could remember what they were.” compare ecomaniac, fart-sucker

duties,

tittery-whoppet /TIT er

phemism

ee

WOP

it/

n

•

An

archaic eu-

for the vagina.

Although

this

word

not exactly an

is

insult,

it is

the most

absurd euphemism for the female genitalia that the authors

many months of diligent searching. It is diffiimagine how one could retain even a spark of ardor

have found after cult to

after saying or

hearing this word during

“Oh! Darling! That’s

On

the

flip side

it

.

.

.

touch

is

romantic encounter.

my tittery-whoppet!”

of the coin, the

that the authors have yet seen

a

silliest

term for the penis

probably Polyphevms. Polyphe-

the original one-eyed monster, the cyclops that

mus was

devoured several of Ulysses’ men. Aside from being somewhat obtuse, this word is also quaintly hopeful. Doubtless there

is

an allusion from the classics denoting

half-blind midget that a

would be

far

more

fitting

a crippled,

than that of

mighty, towering, single-eyed monster, but we don’t know

what

it is.

compare aerocolpos, licktwat

143

/TOSS pot/ n

tosspot

[From the phrase

WTiat

Should tacles

it

a

A drunkard.

f#

to toss

a

pot, to

drink a pot]

charming and evocative

little

word tosspot

is.

be updated to take into account the alcohol recep-

of today?

Tossbottle

has a nice ring to

it.

“Hank, the neighborhood tosspot, could never seem to get his old pickup truck off blocks and running again. But he just loved to tinker,

and much to the consternation of

his

neighbors he spent the better part of every weekend whaling

away under the hood with

a ball-peen

hammer

inably drunk.”

compare barlichood, debacchate

TOSSPOT

144

while abom-

/TRUG

trugabelly

iih bell

ee/ 1\

A

#

short and dirty fellow

assigned to the most menial tasks.

This poor drudge scorn.

On

is

perhaps more an object of pity than

the other hand,

who would

called a trugabelly? Clearly this

is

not

not object to being

a nice

word.

“Frustrated by her billionaire husband’s lack of atten-

trophy wife had no recourse but to lavish

tion, the

her considerable affections upon the old trugabelly

manured the grounds on Tuesdays

all

of

who

— the one with the gap-

toothed smile.”

compare barkled

/TUM

tumbrel

brel/ n

porting dung. 2)

%

1)

A

cart that

is

used for trans-

A person who is drunk to the

point of vom-

iting.

WTile cart, the

The

it

can’t hurt to

second definition of

this

word

to refer to a

is

dung

more germane.

next time an overly soused guest deposits his dinner on

your bathroom a

know another way

floor,

you

will

be able to refrain from issuing

hackneyed batch of expletives and instead correctly peg

him with the proper terminology. turdefy [turd

/TURD

if eye/w

from Old English

A point of usage:

• toi'd

It is

To turn

into feces.

+ -fy to make]

the authors’ understanding that this

verb can be both transitive and intransitive. That refer to the act of

something

becoming

shit as well as the act

is,

it

can

of turning

else into shit.

“After his

new sous-chef

turdified the rack of lamb

—

in

addition to the black bean soup, the a’hne brulee, and even

145

ffisee

greens

—Chef Claude snapped

his fingers

and two

burly dishwashers whisked the unlucky lad into the walk-in freezer.

The

wily old veteran of the backbiting culinary wars

was not born yesterday; interrogation quickly determined

which of his competitors had sent the saboteur.”

compare alothen twee

/TWEE/ adj

“Jessie tried very

twee

surfer

•

Overly cute.

hard to get along with his dorm mate,

boy who always wore

pastels

and was rather

a

too

proved to be impossible, and the

fond of unicorns. Alas,

it

two of them spent the

rest

of the semester maintaining

a

sullen silence.”

twitchel

/TWICH id/ n

“Ever since

®

his stroke last

come more and more of a to see the

brat

A childish old man.

once-proud

who would

cry

drill

August, Mr. Dodwell had be-

twitchel.

What

a

tragedy

it

was

sergeant reduced to a squalling

when he

didn’t get a sweetie after din-

146

TWITCHEL

147

m

m

KAL

ucalegon /yoo

on

eh gon/ n

A neighbor whose

#

house

is

fire.

[From

the

name of

a

Trojan chieftan whose house was

set

ablaze by the Greeks]

Not

a

word

to use every day,

and not

ing one, either. But the authors interesting If life

enough

still

a particularly insult-

feel that

ucalegon

is

to warrant inclusion in the present volume.

ever does offer an opportunity to use this word, you

would be wise

to seize

it,

as

another chance

may never come.

“Mingling with the crowd gathered outside the burning dwelling,

the

ill-starred

restrain himself; after

several

lexicographer simply could not

smugly flaunting the word ucalegon

dozen times, he was

set

upon by

his

neighbors and

cast into the flames.”

compare epicaricacy unasinous /yoo

NASS in

iis/

adj

•

Equally stupid.

[Latin unus one + asmiis ass]

The

reader

may well wonder how 148

to

employ such

a

word.

n

but unasinous

more

is

useful than

it

appears. For

first

instance, in describing both sides of a foolish argument.

“Controlled experiments with the Chinese finger trap

proved what the townsfolk had suspected

along: the

all

Underhill twins were indeed unasinous.”

PIE gtk/ ad]

unipygic /yoo ni [Latin unus

#

Having but one

ass cheek.

one + Greek pyge rump]

Literally, half-assed.

A good word “.

.

.

And

so

for veiled insults:

I

introduce to you, ladies and gentlemen, the

man whose unipygic to

where

it is

today.

company

leadership has brought this .”

.

.

compare apoglutic, kakopygian

0 zee ak/

uriposiac /yoo rip

[Greek

otiron urine

*

A drinker of urine.

+ posis drinking]

Yes, they do shoot horses, andurine.

VMiy? In certain

eficial

to drink your

to have quaffed a

first

“The

it is

held to be medically ben-

batch of the day (Gandhi

cup of

morning). Other folks they just like the

circles

some people do drink

own

his

like to

special

reported

home brew

imbibe someone

else’s;

every

maybe

taste.

ideological battle at the clinic was fast

an ugly one.

is

Now

the uriposiac

becoming

camp of doctors

at-

tempted to take the upper hand by secretly spiking the patient’s IV bags with their panacea. The results were not encouraging.”

compare

149

leint

n

uzzdixd

/UZZ ard/

#

A third-generation

“Many were the nights suming too much creme and loudly proclaim

‘My

father

was

bastard.

that Stevens the uzzard, after con-

de menthe, would

rise to his feet

his pride in his heritage, or lack thereof.

a bastard,’

he would declare slurringly, ‘and ”

him was a bastard as well!’ compare adulterine, yaldson

his father before

150

v-z ventose

hen TOSE/ adj

conceit,

and bombast.

•

Verbally flatulent;

full

of pomp,

[Ladn ventus wind]

“Because of the ventose

talk

show

host’s ability to

fill

endless hours of airtime with his inane rantings, the very

same quality

that had always caused

him

was now making him

instantly

a

most people very rich

man

to loathe

indeed.”

compare blatherskite, cacafuego verbigerator

her BIG erATE

or/ n

•

One who

senselessly

repeats cliches.

“People considered him an old sage, and

his advice

was

No

one

eagerly sought by luminaries from far and wide.

seemed

to realize that

senile old

Hanson was nothing more than

verbigerator with

a talent for

off platitudes.”

compare echolalia

151

a

continually firing

vetanda

he TAN duh/

Things that should not be

•

n,pl

done.

There

are so

many

things in

life

and so many people doing them. for this concept

is

But

the

tiyst

seems odd that the word

not more widely known.

The parson thought he might a haivnless

It

that should not be done,

enjoy

with Ms. Lacroix.

memoranda

of their vetanda

was a

club-footed, half-wit boy.

A patient cuckold.

wetewold /WAIT wald/ n •

[Middle English cokewold cuckold, with substitution of wete wit, to

know]

“Tyson the wetewold knew that his wife was making time with most of his buddies, but he didn’t care. As long as her extracurricular activities freed electric trains,

him up

to play with his beloved

he was content.”

compare skimmington windbroach Life

is

/WIND broach/ n

long, and

one never

An inferior fiddler. knows when a necessity might •

—perhaps

arise to insult a lousy violinist

at the next fourth-

grade talent show you attend. Be prepared: keep windbroach at the ready.

compare cantabank

woodpusher

/WOOD push er/ n

“Determined that

their son

®

A poor chess player.

would be the next Kasparov,

152

the Sigorskis refused to recognize that he was

with more interest in dolls than in tence that he play the

game

sent

a

woodpusher

chess hoard. Their insis-

a

him

to the sanitarium before

he was eleven.”

yaldson

/YALD son/ n

•

The

son of a prostitute.

“Preston’s upbringing in the bordello had been a happy

one.

He

was lavished with attention from the

ingly called

him ‘Peaches’ and would often

his hair. It wasn’t until his first

day

at the

girls,

who

lov-

braid flowers in

academy, when he

heard the word yaldson uttered with scorn, that he

felt a

tv'inge of shame.”

compare uzzard

/YEE vil/ n • A dung fork. “The Richardsons set a most

yeevil

impressive table: china

aplenty, serving plates and soup bowls abounding, and every

conceivable type of utensil for each one of the innumerable courses they typically served during a formal meal. Given the miserable quality of the food

have given each guest

as well

zoilus [f I

/ZOY Ins/ n

rom

Zoilus^ the

•

An

a

itself,

however, they might

yeevil and

left it at that.”

envious person.

name of

a

Greek famed

for his criticisms of

lomer]

“Andrew was cursed with advisor.

and

As he prepared

belittled

him so

his

a jealous

Ph.D.

and scheming faculty

thesis, the

man

ridiculed

mercilessly that he ended up abandon-

ing his efforts to take a job teaching remedial education in a

153

small rural high school. Several

published the work under his

months

mome

zowerswopped /ZOlVersTvopt/adj vest assured to

*

Foul-tempered.

to ojfend,

we'd never intend

make you feel bad,

unpleasant, or sad,

with

this

the zoilus

own name.”

compare

If we've given cause

later,

zowerswopped book

that we've penned.

154

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Noah.

Arr

Springfield, Mass.:

American

Dictionary

of the English

George and Charles Merriam, 1857.

158

Language.

Webster's

New Intei'iiatioiial Dictionary.

2d ed. Springfield, Mass.: G.

&

C.

Merriam Company, 1961. Webster's Universal Unabridged Dictionaiy.

Merriam- Webster, 1936.

Willy, Vander, and Fisher. The Illustrated Encyclopedia of Sex. Cadillac Publishing

Wbrchester, Joseph.

Samuel Walker

&

Company,

A

New York:

1950.

Dictionary of the English Language.

Boston:

Co., 1873.

WYight, Joseph. The English Dialect Dictionary. London: Henry Frowde, 1898.

Wright, Thomas. Dictionary of Obsolete and Provincial English. London: Henry C. Bohn, 1857.

Howard G. Company, 1978.

Zettler,

-Ologies

and

-Isms. Detroit, Mich.:

159

Gale Research

I

I

/

I

3 9999 04052 541

0

baker

Hi

TAYLOR

(continued from front flap)

These and many other gems from our colorful

mother tongue

on these pages.

are collected

Now every gink, knipperdollin, and grizely dunderwhelp can be called by

his rightful

Peter Novobatzky and

Ammon

are the authors of Depraved English. live in

New York

name.

Shea

They both

City.

Jacket design by

Monica Benalcazar www.stmartins.com

MARTIN'S PRESS

ST. 175

FIFTH AVENUE.

NEW

YORK.

N.Y. looio

DISTKIBUTfcD IN CANADA BY H.B. FtNN AND COMPANY, LTD. P R

]

N T

h

D

IN

TUB UNITED STATES

O

E

AMERICA

Praise for

THE Authors’ Previous Book **

Depraved English

is

anything but depraved. Don’t believe

the

title. It’s a

book on language you can read on subway,

bus,

and plane

— though you have to be ready for surprised

looks

when you laugh out loud or

Your

choller will wobble as

give little yelps

you pick

at

of

joy.

your gound and,

ever after, flat English will give you an attack of rectalgia. If

someone

book. Give

is

majoring in English, give him or her

this

to your randy grandma.”

it

— Frank McCourt, author of AngeWs Ashes and “Delicious and disgusting by turns. Depraved English

worked

invaluable

and

of us who

(a) are fascinated

people.

No

cleverly

intelligent

vade

is

^Tis

an

mecum for those millions

by sex and (b) enjoy insulting

home should

be without

it.”

— Simon Winchester, author of The Professor and

ISBN -31E-E7BDfl-l 51 795>

9

780312 2720 81

the

Madman