Depraved and Insulting English 0156011492, 9780156011495

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^ORDS TO OFFEND AnI *,

"

and

ENGLISH

A book

—

on language that you can read on subway, bus, and plane tbougb to be ready for surprised looks wben you laugb out loud."

you have

— Frank McCourt

Peter Novobatzky and

Ammon Shea

and

!N$4!l.tJNtI

ENGLISH

mM IL. I~«T/V

V WjM

and

ENGLISH Peter Novobatzky and

Ammon

A

Harvest Original San Diego

New

Shea

•

Harcourt, Inc

York

London

Copyright

©

2001, 1999 by Peter Novobatzky and

All rights reserved.

No

part of this publication

may

Ammon

Shea

be reproduced

or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical,

including photocopy, recording, or any information storage and retrieval

system, without permission in writing from the publisher.

Requests for permission to

make

copies of any part of the

work should be

mailed to the following address: Permissions Department, Harcourt,

6277 Sea Harbor

Inc.,

Drive, Orlando, Florida 32887-6777.

www.HarcourtBooks.com Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Novobatzky,

Peter.

Depraved and insulting English/ Peter

Novobatzky and p.

cm.

Ammon

Shea.

—

1st ed.

— (Harvest book)

ISBN 0-15-601149-2

3.

— Obscene words — Dictionaries. — Obsolete words —Dictionaries. Invective — Dictionaries. English language — Slang— Dictionaries. 1.

English language

2.

English language

4.

5.

Vocabulary.

I.

Shea,

Ammon.

II.

Title.

PE3721 .N677 2002

427'.09— dc21 Text

set in

2002000479 Sabon

Display set in Bostonia and Basketcase

Designed by Cathy Riggs Printed in the United States of America

First edition

ACEGHFDB

For our parents

Introduction

Amidst the grand panoply that largest

on

this Earth,

is

the English language,

tongue of Shakespeare, Byron, and

number

Melville, there are a puzzling

of words that

mean

"to spray with shit."

Truth to ous

tell,

English teems with obscure

— and

hilari-

— depraved and insulting words, which most educated

people have never heard

A

of.

multitude of sexual and scat-

ological terms, like bescumber,

and

pizzle; a legion of

for offensive or pathetic people, such as tus,

terms

muscod, nullimi-

and raddled.

This fact led to our

first

book, Depraved English, which

focused on the perverse and unseemly side of our lexicon,

and eventually also to Insulting English, which provide a

word

for every type of insult-worthy person.

Depraved and Insulting English

two

earlier

tried to

represents a fusion of the

books; our editors feeling (and

that their contents are compatible

we

agreeing)

enough to co-exist be-

tween the covers of the same volume.

A

lexicon such as this

is

not meant to be read straight

through. Better to dip into glance will reveal that some

some

revolting,

things.

Many

it

at

random. Even

a casual

of the entries are lascivious,

and others derogatory.

A

few are

all

of these

of the featured words are quite old, others

are relatively new.

Some were common

in

another time or

place, while others have never been particularly popular.

There are words (feague comes to mind) for objects, practices,

and

states of

words

side with

knew

being one n^ver

like frottage,

by

existed, side

which describe things one

probably knew existed but never knew there was a word for.

A

choice few, such as groak and urinous, are readily

applicable in everyday

Most

if

not

all

life.

of the words listed in

sulting English are likely to be as

were to us when we But

rest

first

new

Depraved and

to the reader as they

came across them

assured that they are

In-

in

our research.

English words, culled

all real

from a wide variety of sources. Current and out-of-print

word books, works consulted.

dictionaries, cyclopedias, specialty lexicons,

and medical dictionaries were among the For a

full list, see

the bibliography at the end of the book.

The authors take words

lustrating the

full responsibility for

the sentences

in action. These, along

with the

informative paragraphs accompanying the entries as the

odd

limerick

—

are our creations. Writing

abled us to vent a lot of spleen years; so

much

so that

on

we had

built

several occasions

—

il-

little

as well

them

en-

up over the

we

actually

found ourselves running low on spleen. Obviously, the average reader cannot be expected to

commit book.

to

Still,

memory a large proportion of the words in this we hope that at least a few terms will resonate

enough to be

recalled later. After

all,

a

good vocabulary

is

not only a sign of education and intelligence; knowing the

proper word for something sharpens the powers of perception. For example, once a

word

like

shotclog becomes

lodged in your brain, you will begin for the

first

time to see

shotclogs popping up everywhere. Your eyes will have

been opened up to an entire sub-type of humanity that had previously escaped notice.

While Depraved and Insulting English

aspires to be a

useful resource for verbal aggressors, in the end

concern

is

it

main

simply to help readers describe the world and

the people in

think

its

will

it

with succinct and precise terminology.

amaze and amuse, and give people a

We

taste of

what an inexhaustible and bizarre language English really is. And we dare to hope that a few of our readers will come to use at least a handful of these verbal lives

—

gems

in their daily

perhaps on their friends and loved ones.

A Note on the Entries All the entries in

the best of our

Depraved and

Insulting English are, to

knowledge and according to painstaking

search, actual, legitimate English words.

tion guides were designed with

Where selected

the sources

what we

list

feel to

re-

The pronuncia-

American accents

various pronunciations,

in

mind.

we have

be the best one. Similarly, where

the sources disagree as to the spelling or definition of a particular word, or

exercised

whatever

where

different versions exist,

common

sense

judgment has been granted us by the

we have

and lexicographical fates.

and

ENGLISH

"

A ablutophobic lab

LOOT

o

FO

bikl adj

Pathologically

•

afraid of bathing.

[Latin ablutio a

washing + Greek pbobos

"To punish him

for

fear]

committing the unnatural act with

the chalkboard eraser, Mrs. Schneider forced

every day next to the ablutophobic

girl,

Henry

to

sit

the one with the

thick pigtails and the faint but unmistakable odor of old

(compare odorivector, stinkard)

sausage about her."

aboiement Iah bwah

MAHNI

n

•

Involuntary blurting of

animal noises, such as barking.

"The personal ad read cially

secure,

Aboiement

seeks

simply,

SWF

for

a +,' but Marjorie

'Handsome

SWM,

finan-

romance, possibly more.

knew immediately

that she

had stumbled upon her perfect mate." (compare desticate, fream)

abydocomist lab ee do

CO

mistl n

•

A

liar

who

boasts of

his or her falsehood.

"There were at the

lots of

abydocomists working the phones

underground telemarketing

Neville,

who

firm, but

none could top

would cheerfully swindle a widowed grand-

mother out of her annuity fund and then climb atop desk and trumpet, 'I am the king of the lying worms!'

his

(compare fissilingual)

"

acalculiac lay kal

KOOL

ee akl n

•

Someone who cannot

count or do simple math.

"Mortimer could remember exactly when he became math teacher. It was the

disgusted with being a high school

day he met with the principal to discuss the acalculiacs freshman

his

'Lower the

class,

and the old bureaucrat kept

in

insisting:

Mort! Lower the bar!'

bar,

(compare agratnmaticist)

achilous luh

One

of

KAI

lusl adj

many words

are useful for describing

"Wanda was

•

Having no

lips.

scattered throughout this

common

book

that

turnoffs.

a wonderful lady, but no matter

what her

attributes, J.B. could never bring himself to kiss an achilous

woman."

(compare chichiface)

NO

acokoinonia luh ko koy

nee ubl n

•

Sex without

passion.

known

Otherwise

as "the

lucky marrieds, "as good as

acrocephalic

With a

IAK ro sefAL

bit

doldrums." Or, for some unit

gets."

ikl adj

•

(compare artamesia)

Having a pointed

of figurative license, this

skull.

word may be

ex-

tended to cover anything that might be called "pinheaded," a very wide range indeed. For example,

which gives

it

you wish to

tell

him

it is

someone

that his idea

is

harebrained,

if

tell

"acrocephalic, plain and simple."

"Rabbi Abramson was a devout and patient man, but the carnival sideshow all,

how do you

acrotophiliac luh is

wedding

frustrated even him: after

put a yarmulke on an acrocephalic Jew?"

CRO

toe

FEEL

ee akl n

•

A

person

sexually attracted to the stumps of amputees.

who

acokoinonia

One

first words making fun of

of the

thors are

fair; after all,

in the

book, and already the au-

the infirm.

It

doesn't seem quite

an amputee needs love as much as the next

To help make it up to our lesser-limbed friends, we have decided to throw them a bone, in the form of a list detailing the correct word for every different type of perperson.

son strangely and powerfully aroused by the absence of an

appendage:

acrotomophiliac

— One who enjoys fantasizing that

or her sexual partner

ameliotist

amputee

—A

person

is

his

an amputee.

who

is

sexually attracted to an

as a whole, not just to his or her stump.

— One who fantasizes about being an

apotemnophiliac amputee; one or her

body

who

schemes to amputate some part of

in order to gain sexual pleasure.

his

—Someone with a

monopediomaniac

or psychological dependence on

sexual attraction

a one-legged person.

(compare dysmorphophiliac)

/AD ip ose eerl n • A fatty, waxlike material that human and animal tissues sometimes convert into when corpses decompose underwater, and which may preserve adipocere

physical features for long periods. It

more

may

not be very funny, but adipocere

bizarre

and ghoulish words

is

one of the

in the language.

"Freddie Barbarossa, the cemetery king, started out at the bottom, shovel in

hand and adipocere on

his shoes."

(compare engrease, gobbets)

ULT er

adulterine lad

eenl n

A

•

person born of an adul-

terous union.

The

distinction

that a bastard

an adulterine

is

is

between an adulterine and a bastard

simply the offspring of

unwed

the issue of an adulterous union; that

who derived much

is

parents, while is,

one

Both

involving folks

are married, just not to each other.

terms

of their original sting from conventional

grounded

attitudes,

in religion,

toward marriage and

sin.

bastard, however, has triumphed by evolving into a broader definition.

Nowadays,

necessarily

mean

just that is

its

now

a

calling

someone a bastard does not was born out of wedlock,

that the person

is mean and despicable. But while bastard commonly used insult, adulterine remains stuck in

he or she

original, specific

meaning, and

is

not often used.

(compare gandermooner, uzzard, wetewold) aerocolpos

lair

o

KOLE pose/ n

•

Vaginal flatulence;

gas trapped in the vagina.

[Greek aer

air

+ kolpos

bosom •

4

•

or fold]

air

or

Yes, there exists a technical term for this unmentionable

occurrence. So call

it?

why

know what

doesn't anyone

to properly

Other unappealing bodily functions are known

their official names; why does aerocolpos have to go by quiff (meaning, literally, "puff of air")? Could it be that this concept still elicits some feelings of queasiness

by

or embarrassment with certain people? Remember, gentle reader: aerocolpos it

is

as natural as breathing. Just because

mean

often occurs during sex doesn't

to be

ashamed

of.

(However,

authors cannot poke fun at

this

it

it

is

something

does not mean that the

)

(compare eproctolagniac) agastopia lag ub

STOPE

ee uhl n

•

The admiration of

a

part of someone's body.

Everyone occasionally comes under the

spell of agastopia;

who frequently experience it are far more likely to fall down open manholes than the population as a whole. Those who are prone to the condition but do not wish to advertise it may purchase a serviceit is

a proven fact that people

able pair of dark sunglasses from their local five-and-dime

(compare apodyopsis, gynopiper)

store.

agelast IA]

"Much

ub

last I

n

•

A

person

who

never laughs.

to the dismay of Baffo, the drugstore-robbing

clown, the sentencing judge was a stern agelast."

(compare cachinnator)

ageustia lay taste;

tee

ubl n

•

Absence of a sense of

complete or partial loss of the sense of

[a (neg.)

A

GOOSE

taste.

+ Greek geusis taste]

metaphorical gem, and a useful code word to share

with a friend. Symptoms of

this actual

5

•

medical condition

"

include a tolerance for dubious foods, and the wearing of stripes

with plaid.

"Either Janice's

new

in-laws possessed a highly evolved

sense of humor, or they suffered from severe ageustia. else to explain their

that blurted the

wedding

present, a

theme songs from seventies sitcoms every (compare bedizen)

quarter hour?" agitatrix la) ih

who

How

neon cuckoo clock

TAY

trixl

n

•

A

female agitator; a

woman

agitates.

Men can recognize the utterances:

"Does

think she's cute?"

dreaded agitatrix by these

this dress

"Why

make me look

don't you

tell

fat?"

me you

and the ever-popular "You're not allowed to

telltale

"Do you

love

me?"

fart in bed."

(compare baratress) agrammaticist lay gram

agrammaticism: the

"Nathan was

AT iss

inability to

istl

n

•

One

suffering

from

form sentences.

a lifelong agrammaticist, but

was able

to

put this shortcoming to good use in his chosen career: politics.

truly

Speaking entirely in disconnected sound

was

bites,

he

a candidate for the twenty-first century.

(compare acalculiac) agrexophrenia luh

GREX o FREE

perform sexually due to a

nee uhl n

•

Inability to

fear of being overheard.

"Raising a large family in a quaint

little

Irish cottage,

agrexophrenia was a continual problem for Mr. and Mrs.

McDougal,

as the clan usually slept four to a bed."

(compare atolmia)

AY

aidle I

dll v

•

"To earn

one's bread indifferently well."

(Charles Mackay's Lost Beauties of the English Language,

1874)

"Aidling away the months selling greeting cards doorto-door, Michelle didn't care

none

at all.

ever,

and could often be seen

if

she sold two, twelve, or

She did enjoy taking three-hour lunches, howsitting in a quiet

and shady

corner of the park catching up on her reading."

(compare eyeservant, alacuoth

lal

uh

KOO

othl n

•

ploiter)

Involuntary defecation dur-

ing sex.

Befouling oneself

circumstances

is

cope with

difficult to

in the best of

— how much more so with such unfortunate

timing.

No

doubt many readers

will immediately cast alacuoth

onto that dung heap of the mind where one chucks

all

unpleasant things one would rather forget. But while

it

be one of those words of which norant,

it

demands

it is

the

may

happiest to remain

ig-

inclusion in any unflinching discussion

of the descriptive capacities of the English language.

"Milo knew what he was looking

when he

finally

found one

who

for in a

didn't

chronic alacuoth, he slapped a ring on

whisks of a lamb's algolagnia lal go thrills

by

tail."

LAG

woman, and

seem to mind her finger in

his

two

(compare dyspareunia, sterky)

nee uhl n

•

The garnering

of sexual

inflicting or suffering pain.

"Biff's closet algolagnia

compelled him to partake in

contact sports such as tackle football and rugby, where he quickly earned a reputation as both a glutton for punish-

ment and a

(compare mastigophoric)

sadistic bastard."

allochezia lal o

KEE

zee uhl n

•

Defecation from some-

where other than the anus. Also, defecation of something other than feces.

7

•

"Nick was suspicious of doctors allochezia failed to clear

up by

when

as a rule, but

itself

he decided to schedule

(compare copremesis,

an appointment."

his

lientery)

4

allorgasmia

mee uhl n

or GAT,

lal

someone other than Allorgasmia

is

What's more, the spice

more

Fantasizing about

not usually something one openly

cusses with one's sexual partner. But

saves

•

one's partner during sex.

it is

brings to the

it

relationships than

all

fairly

dis-

common.

bedroom probably

the marital therapists west

of the Missippippi. So, the next time allorgasmia causes

boy to make a

the supermarket checkout girl or delivery

guest appearance in your bed

too guilty about

alothen

IAL o

er,

head

•

To grow

many

alothen that the reader

encouraged to

is

•

Lack of

man who

or her

breasts.

got his start in crime as a

teenager, hustling a vile-tasting potion

which he claimed

(compare micromastia)

could cure amastia."

amatorculist lam at or

let his

word

(compare turdefy)

MAST ee uhl n a born con

to leftover tuna

potential uses for the

imagination run wild.

"He was

feel

disgusting.

phenomena

to cultural

casserole, there are so

amastia lay

— try not to

(compare anagapesis)

it.

then/ v

From people

—

COOL

istl

n

•

A pitiful

or insignif-

icant lover.

From

the Latin amatorculus (a

little,

sorry lover).

"Colleagues of Dr. Schiff privately agreed that being

dubbed ably

'the amatorculist'

what had

the emergency

by the nursing

room."

was probbreakdown in

staff

precipitated his unfortunate

(compare meupareunia)

"

AM

ambeer

beerI n

I

The

•

spit-out juice from

chewing

tobacco.

"Being a bat boy was a dream come true for Jimmy, but he soon found that dodging the streams of ambeer in the

dugout took a ambisinister terity

[compare sputative)

lot of practice."

lam

bi

SIN

erf adj

ist

•

with both hands; having "two

[Latin

ambi both +

Lacking manual dexleft

hands."

sinister left]

"Spencer, the airport baggage-handler, had the perfect job for someone as ambisinister as himself. He'd solved the

problem of punching the time clock by holding his teeth,

but the mandatory coffee break

still

his card in

posed special

hazards for him, and he kept a rubberized poncho in his

(compare looby)

locker for the occasion."

ambodexter

who

takes

AM buh dex terl n A corrupt juror; a juror •

I

money from both

sides.

"Carolyn pocketed the cash and shook her head

amazement:

was so

if

she had

lucrative, she

known

that being an

in

ambodexter

wouldn't have dodged jury duty

all

(compare boodler, ripesuck)

those years."

amourette lam oor ETI n

•

A

petty or insignificant love

affair.

"Edward devastated

Kleeger, titan of business and industry,

when

was

the dominatrix he wined and dined

weekends told him

that she was

moving on,

on

saying: 'You

were never more than an amourette, Ed, and not a very en(compare amatorculist)

joyable one, at that.'

amplexus lam or a frog.

PLEX usl n

•

The mating embrace of

a toad

From

comes

the endlessly descriptive world of biology

word. Since

this sparkler of a

common enough

it is

to refer

to a repulsive person as a toad, a figurative use for

plexus logically presents

"The

last

thing

I

remembered from

room

ing in the men's

I

was

terrible

that evening

ik

hid-

I

awoke

in a strange

hangover, only to realize with horror that

firmly caught in her amplexus."

amychesis lam

was

to escape the attentions of the vile

Mrs. Flamm. Early the next morning bed with a

am-

itself. *

EE

sis/

n

•

(compare strene)

Involuntary scratching of a

partner's back during sex.

"As she daubed her

wounds with peroxide

in the

motel

bathroom, Charlotte cursed her luck for having taken a lover

who

suffered from amychesis, and began

what she would

tell

working on

her husband this time."

(compare dyspareunia)

anaclitic Ian ers for

uh KLIT ikl adj

•

1

)

Overly dependent on oth-

emotional support. 2) Overly dependent on one's

mother.

[Greek ana again, up, back + klinein to lean]

"Everyone warned Ellen that she was coddling her teenage son, but she just couldn't

from bed

for a

resist

sponge bath, and so

when he whined

his anaclitic

depen-

dency continued to deepen."

As she

dries off her husband's tears,

Beth wrinkles her nose up and sneers,

"Not

to be a critic,

but you're

still

anaclitic,

and your mother's been dead now

for years."

(compare rectopathic)

10

EE

anagapesis Ian uh gap

sis/

n

•

A

loss of feelings for

one

formerly loved.

This

is

a terrible yet useful word. For

one time or another have clumsily and to say, "I don't love

who

those

all

at

ineffectually struggled

you anymore," without having

to ac-

don't be fooled: "I love you, I'm just not in

tually say

it,

love with

you"

is

a horrible thing to

avoid this and other cliches,

it

is

somebody. To

tell

better to

tell

one's ex-

to-be that one has been stricken with anagapesis

— then

get the hell out of there before he or she reaches for the

(compare allorgasmia, anaxiphilia)

dictionary.

DEE

anaphrodisiac Ian af ro

eliminating sexual desire, n

zhee akl adj

•

Suppressing or

Something that

•

acts against

sexual desire.

— both — scored a

"The two women terly unattractive

in their early thirties hit

Drools, which detailed everything disiac

about men."

anaxiphilia II an love with the

Another

AX if EEL

women

found anaphro-

ee ubl n

•

The

act of falling in

wrong person.

in a

long

not an insult per

tally

ut-

(compare ozoamblyrosis)

list

afflictions, anaxiphilia is

and

with their best-seller The

make fun

of

se,

of depressingly

can befall anyone. While it

can be used to gently

— someone who has

this

rib

recently

word

— or bru-

had

his or

(compare anagapesis)

her heart crushed.

androgalactozemia

common human

IAN

dro gal

AK

toe

ZEE mee

ubl n

•

Secretion of milk from the male breast.

[Greek andros

man

+ gala milk + zemia

loss]

Could any creature be more deserving of

11

ridicule than

the

man

with androgalactozemia? Probably not. The only

consolation for the poor slob with this condition since

most people don't

is

that

believe such a thing can actually

happen, when confronted with perplexed to laugh, at least at

it

they will probably be too

first.

"A shortage of nondairy creamer threatened to disrupt the third annual Androgalactozemia Society luncheon, but the crisis

was soon averted." (compare gynecomastia, pogogniasis)

androphilic Ian dro FIL ikJ adj

•

Preferring

men

over animals.

"Aunt Lucille was a gracious hostess, but she was

on

ting

in years, so at tea

tice the frenzied

and

get-

everyone pretended not to no-

insistent

leg-humpings of Winston,

her androphilic schnauzer."

{compare anthropozoophilic) anhedonia fan bed

O

nee ubl n

•

The

inability to experi-

ence feelings of pleasure or happiness. [an (neg.) + Greek

bedone pleasure +

As people with anhedonia

ia]

make life word worth

are quite likely to

miserable for everyone around them, this

is

a

knowing. "Audrey surrendered to her anhedonia and married a shriveled

and whining orthodontist.

possible for her to be

got

full

anile

happy anyway. At

He/ adj

•

not?

It

least this

was im-

way

she

(compare antithalian)

dental coverage."

/AN

Why

Old-womanish.

"Montigew wanted very much

to play with the other

boys, but his attempts to throw a baseball were so anile that he

wound up

skipping rope with the

•

12

•

girls again."

NIL

anililagnia luh

to elderly

finally

come

mouth and

on him."

ING

this

number

us/ n

his

Sexual contact between

•

word may not be your cup

of tea, anilingus

enough people to warrant inclusion

is

in

of fine dictionaries.

"Melvin had always been the the

now

[compare gerontophilia)

anus.

evidently enjoyed by

when

Sexual attraction

•

to grips with his anililagnia, but

anilingus lay nil

a

nee ubl n

though he was cursed by the gods: he

felt as

lovers kept dying

While

LAG

women.

"Mortimer had

ih

new management team

NIL

it

eel

n

•

it

was

his

Old-womanishness.

"After the candidate's disastrous performance tional television,

up

(compare lecheur)

act to full-fledged anilingus."

anility luh

brownnoser, but

office

arrived he stepped

on na-

Peterson's unenviable duty as

cam-

paign manager to remind him that anility was not what

most people looked animalist

IAN im

for in a leader."

al istl

n

•

A

person

who

engages in

bestiality.

"As a boxer, Hector

proud of

his

The

Animalist' Suarez was rather

moniker, thinking that

it

doubtless

made

ref-

erence to some boundless crop of energy that he possessed. In reality,

it

stemmed more from his nightly habit of drinkenough to couple with anything with

ing himself insensate a pulse."

(compare anthropozoophilic, avisodomy)

anisomastia Ian

iss

o

MAST ee ubl n

breasts of unequal size.

13

•

The

state of

having

anitnalist

"Hedda was

on surgery

sold

for her anisomastia; the

only question was whether to go for enlargement, reduction, or a

little

(compare macromastia, micromastia)

of both."

ankyloproctia Ian

kil

o

PROK

tee

ubl n

•

A

severe con-

striction of the anus.

[Greek ankylos bent, crooked + proktos anus]

The

perfect

word

to describe a tight-ass.

"Donald's ankyloproctia came as a terrible blow to the

pudgy gourmand. His doctors had now

restricted

him

to a

diet consisting entirely of foods that could easily pass

through

his

narrowed system, such

anoia lub

NOY ubl n

•

suffer

from

baby food and over-

Idiocy.

Paradoxically, a condition

do not

as

(compare sterky)

ripe bananas."

most annoying

it.

14

to those

who

"

)

anorchous Ian

OR

kusl adj

•

Having no

testicles.

"'Had you not been such an anorchous

jellyfish,'

and over-educated wife, 'you would have gotten the promotion!'" shrieked Sheila, Kevin's

anorchus Ian

it

OR

shrill

kusl n

A man

•

with no

testicles.

"Only

after the humiliating incident with the waiter did

finally

dawn on Louisa

that she

had married a

total

[compare triorchid

anorchus.

anorgasmic

IAN

gasm during

GAZ

or

mikl adj

•

Failing to achieve or-

sex.

"While the anorgasmic relations he suffered with fifth

upon

his

wife were not something Simon would have wished himself, they were certainly an

situation with his previous brides,

him

at all."

TER

ikl adj

to sleep with

anteric IIan

all

improvement over the of

whom

had refused

[compare dyspareunia)

•

Seeking vengeance for slighted

love.

"In an anteric rage, Sarah decided that slashing the tires of her ex-boyfriend's pickup truck just wasn't enough. So

she set

it

ablaze and flung herself on top of

it."

(compare anaxiphilia)

anthropozoophilic

IAN

thro

PO

zoo FILL

ikl adj

•

At-

tracted to both people and animals.

[Greek anthropos

While sects,

we

this

man

is

+ zoon animal + philein to love]

primarily employed to describe in-

are confident that

ers will find

"Any

term

some of our more deviant read-

another use for

it.

port in a storm,' thought the anthropozoophilic

15

Edmund,

and

after the third

last farmer's

daughter

re-

buffed his licentious advances, and he was told in no uncertain terms to

go and sleep

in the barn."

(compare animalist, avisodomy, omnifutuant) antinomian Ian

NOME

tee

ee an/ n

lieves that faith in Christ frees

•

A

person

who

be-

him or her from moral and

legal obligations.

"No one

in his small

not paying taxes, using a his

own

Southern town objected to Lloyd

homemade

license plate, or flying

separatist flag proclaiming his trailer home/arsenal

to be a 'principality of Jesus.' But there religious expression,

had to be a

limit to

and when the zealous antinomian cut

the ticket line at the high school football game, a lynching

party quickly coalesced out of the throng."

(compare

antithalian Ian tee

laughter or

"Many mayor's

THALE

eisegetical, tartuffe)

ee anl adj

Disapproving of

•

festivity.

were distressed by the law-and-order

citizens

antithalian

laughed in public

crusade

('It's

of

ticketing

anyone

who

a quality-of-life issue,' he insisted).

But no one could deny that the policy, when enforced,

lent

the city something of a genteel and cultivated air."

(compare anhedonia, cachinnator)

antivitruvian Ian

ti

vit

ROO

in destroying architectural

vee anl adj

•

Taking pleasure

monuments.

This wonderfully specific word comes to us from the

name

of a

famed Roman

architect, Vitruvius.

While

it

is

unlikely that the reader will ever have an opportunity to rise at a

town meeting and,

raising his or her voice in a

stentorian fashion, cry: "You,

16

sir,

are nothing

more than

a

base and vile antivitruvianist!,"

number

to be an inordinate

it is still

a

word

that every

know. Certainly there seem

lover of fine buildings should

of these despicable creatures in

circulation today.

"Once he promised them the townsfolk came around antivitruvian plan to rip hall

and replace

it

with

a fifty-dollar tax credit,

most of

to supporting the councilman's

down the seventeenth-century town a new cinderblock courthouse." (compare grimthorpe)

apistia lub

PISS

tee

"Johann was a

uhl n

•

Marital

infidelity.

and crafty fellow: having inserted

sly

a

clause in his prenuptial agreement asserting that apistia

could not be considered grounds for alimony, he free to

whore

his

way

now was

about town with complete abandon." (compare bedswerver)

apodyopsis lap o die

OP

sis/

n

•

The

act of imagining

someone naked. "There were times, such as the summer he worked nursing home, opsis

more of

when Wendell found

his

at the

compulsive apody-

a curse than a blessing."

apoglutic lap o

GLOO

For those readers

tiki adj

who

•

Having a

tiny

rump.

prefer rear ends that are built for

comfort and not for speed, the authors offer apoglutic for use as an insult.

"As

a

renowned

personal

trainer

to

the

stars,

Rolanda was

for her ability to render anyone apoglutic. In-

deed, she refused to consider a client a success until her posterior

was skinny enough

to

make

sitting

on

it

decid-

edly uncomfortable."

(compare kakopygian, unipygic)

17

AY

apophallation lap o fal practice of

shun/ n

Among

•

slugs, the

chewing off a partner's penis following

endowed with what

Slugs are

is

sex.

proportionately one of

the largest penises in the animal kingdom; an eight-inch slug can have a is

member

that

is

just as

long as he

is.

a terrible downside to such phallic magnificence,

There

how-

Every so often a slug will get stuck. Imagine: you're

ever.

hot and sweaty, the deed has been done, and you really

want nothing so much your partner slug for

just can't

chewing

it

as a cigarette

withdraw. Can you really blame the

off?

"Mr. Duval was a dedicated,

among

if

slightly unstable, health

was some degree of contro-

teacher. Nevertheless, there

versy

and a shower, but

the local parents

when he began showing

nature films of animals engaging in apophallation to his

sophomore

class as a deterrent to sexual activity."

(compare dyspareunia) arrhenopiper luh

REN

o pipe erl n

•

"One

that looks

lewdly at men," as defined by Joseph T. Shipley in his Dictionary of Early English.

A

word that well deserves resurrection. "Cad waller's buttocks clenched tightly, as they always did whenever he had to pass through the gaggle of boisterous arrhenopipers blocking the door to the men's room."

(compare gynopiper) artamesia Iart uh in a

woman

It is

MEE

zhee uhl n

Sexual dissatisfaction

due to the premature climax of her partner.

a beautiful thing that a

common

•

occurrence. There

word

is

exists for this all-too-

a difference of opinion,

however, as to where the word artamesia comes from. According to J.E. Schmidt, author of The Lecher's Lexicon,

18

the roots are the Greek artao (to hang) and mesos (in the

middle).

While

explanation

this

is

both plausible and

amusing, one cannot ignore the case to be made for Ar-

Greek queen of Helicarnassus,

timesia, the ancient

eponymous root of

as the

the word.

According to the history books, Artimesia was exceedyouth named Darnadus, and when he

ingly fond of a

re-

buffed her licentious advances she tore his eyes from his

head as he

slept (you go, girlfriend!!!). Yet a third possibil-

that the

ity is

word

originates with Artemesia Gentileschi

(1593-1653), a renowned

Italian painter.

and Maidservant with

painting, Judith fernes,

happens to depict two

tated a

man who

Her most famous

the

Head of Holo-

women who

have decapi-

has slept with one of them.

So there are three viable explanations matters, really, for

— which

hardly

you're experiencing artamesia you

if

need more than a good etymology.

(compare acokoinonia, meupareunia)

aspermia lay

SPERM ee uhl n

"Ironically, the very ley's

•

Inability to ejaculate

same aspermia

sexual efforts futile for

him

semen.

that rendered

Hed-

also led to his gaining a

reputation as a tireless love machine."

(compare spermatoschesis)

asshead /ASS hedl n

•

A

blockhead; a stupid person.

While asshead has the ring of a modern-day schoolyard taunt, insult.

it

and noble history

actually has a long

As such,

it

as a legitimate

has a certain blunt and potent charm.

(compare lobcock)

assot /ASS otl v

"Her

first

day

•

To make at her first

•

a fool of.

job out of college, and Kirsten

19

had thoroughly assorted

They'd told her to

herself.

'dress

her best' for work, and so she had donned the only finery

prom

she had: her bright green

Oh,

when

the humiliation

TOLE mee

atolmia lay

dress

from

they sent her

uhl n

Impotence

•

five years ago.

home

in tears!"

in a

man due

to

lack of confidence.

"Operating according to the credo 'You've got to break a

man

all

again,' the

the

way down

Longwell

before you can build

spectacular failures

— with

—

its

as well as a large

(L.I.M.P.)

number

of

'tough love' approach to cur-

(compare anorgasmic, peniculas)

ing atolmia."

autosmia law

Male Pleasure

Institute for

racked up several successes

him up

TOZ

mee uhl n

The smelling of

•

one's

own

bodily odors.

[Greek auto

+ osme smell]

self

"Jared was an outcast his whole

life,

somehow

never

grasping that his erotic obsession with autosmia was part

(compare odorivector)

of the reason why."

autotheist

or she

is

law toe

"Fisk's

n

One who

•

monstrous egotism.

neglect of even the

more

istl

many minions were accustomed

aire autotheist's

bit

THEE

believes that he

God.

most

It

to the billion-

was

his

complete

basic personal hygiene that took a

(compare pleionosis)

getting used to."

avisodomy luh VIZ o dome

eel

n

•

The

act of having sex

with a bird.

come a time when you word that means to have

Live long enough and there will desperately wish that you

knew

a

sex with a bird. Bereft of such knowledge, most people will

20

sputter and cast about in vain before

coming up with

a

colorful but crude expression, such as 'duck-fucker.'

Avisodomy covers sexual congress with any type bird, but it is most commonly applied to fowl.

of

"Although they were the only house on campus that

in-

sisted their pledges be

videotaped engaging

Sigma Tau Delta had such a degree of

in

avisodomy,

social cachet,

and

threw such splendid mixers, that they had more pledges clamoring to join than any other three

fraternities

com-

(compare animalist, anthropozoophilic)

bined."

axunge /AX unjj n

•

Medicinal lard prepared from geese or

pigs.

Good

for

what

the

ails ye!

new minestrone soup

did not benefit from

consumer group's announcement

that 'natural flavor-

"Sales of the

ings'

was

really just a

fancy

name

for axunge."

(compare bezoar)

•

21

•

B baculum /BAK yoo luml n • The penis bone; present many mammals, absent in humans.

in

Thank God. "Although he traveled

was regarded

in the highest social circles, Tully

something of an eccentric, perhaps be-

as

cause of his extensive baculum collection."

badling

/BAD

ling/

n

•

A man who is effeminate or worthless.

[Old English baedling a womanish man] "After the storm,

all

the

women and

perately to keep the lifeboat

badling, though.

He

flapping his arms in

from sinking. Not Lucas the

hopped up and down in the stern, the air and exclaiming, 'Oh my, oh,

just

my!'" balanic /hub

children bailed des-

{compare subvit ate)

LAN ikl adj

•

Having to do with the penis or

clitoris.

"Sigmund

E. Hopfeizer,

M.D., was

irked: didn't his gen-

erous donation to his alma mater warrant a slightly more

prominent acknowledgment than a plaque

in the Hall of

Balanic Studies?"

balanoplasty /bub

LAN

o plass tee/ n

the penis.

•

22

•

•

Plastic surgery of

"When

his

doctor enthusiastically recommended drastic

balanoplasty to cure his slight incontinence, Arthur knew it

was time

to get a second opinion."

(compare phalloplasty)

barathrum IBA rath rum/ n

An

extortionist

who

•

1.

An

insatiable glutton. 2.

will not be satisfied.

So called after the Barathrum, a

Athens into which criminals,

alive

pit outside the city of

and dead, were thrown.

[compare gulcbin, rabiator)

baratress

She

/BA rub

may

tress/

n

•

A

female quarreler.

just as easily pick

on a woman, but

like

her

cousin the agitatrix, the baratress strikes a special fear into

many

a

man. For who knows what comment,

innocuous though

it

might seem,

the heart of

invoke the

ire

cent, such as

of a baratress?

It

will raise the hackles

"That dress looks good on you," or

barathrum 23

and

could be something innoit

could

be an incredibly stupid statement, like "I had lunch with

my

ex-girlfriend today."

(compare agitatrjx, breedbate, quibberdick)

AT rixl n,

bariatrics Ibarry

pi

•

The

field

of medicine con-

cerned with obesity. "As he lay on the floor of the sauna in his rubber

moments

flected that the science of bariatrics

still

had a long way

(compare impinguinate)

to go."

barkled

suit,

before lapsing into unconsciousness, Milton re-

/BARK

Id/ adj

Encrusted with

•

dirt;

used espe-

cially to describe a person's skin.

"Rich though she was, Hetty

still

fancied that society

owed her something, and she tried to bilk the state out of as much welfare as she could. There was always a mad rush to get her children looking as barkled and possible each time the caseworker

came

ill

clad as

to her door."

(compare trugabelly)

/BAR

• Drunk and mean. McKenna's looked forward to seven o'clock with keen anticipation. For that was when old Mr. Gleason, thoroughly barlichood with cheap gin, would begin hollering with rage at the nightly news on the TV

barlichood

licb

oodl adj

"All the regulars at

over the bar."

(compare debacchate, zowerswopped)

barrator IBA rub tori n

•

An

ambulance-chasing lawyer.

Yes, there exists a time-honored term for this bottomfeeder.

There

is

nothing so nice

as a slick patch of ice

on

the sidewalk

24

to the barrator.

For ultimately, is

all

misery

useful for lining his pockets more.

With great indignation, and fury unbridled, he gets you the monies to which you're entitled. (compare bdelloid, leguleian, rabulistic) bastinado /bass

tin

AY

do/ v

•

To

one's feet with a stick or club, n

beat the soles of some-

The

•

practice of beating

the soles of the feet with a stick or club.

"Talk about dedication: Luigi worked the

week

as flogger

classes

(compare

ends."

THET ikl adj

"Samantha was like

time during

and executioner, but somehow

found time enough to take bastinado

bathetic Ibuh

full

still

on the week-

ferule,

pandy)

Falsely sentimental.

•

truly sickened

by the way her weasel-

boyfriend went to such great lengths to avoid taking

the blame for anything, frequently

waxing bathetic and

crying crocodile tears. After one such episode too many, she

dumped

a pot of boiling spaghetti water

on

his foot

and announced that she was leaving." (compare rectopathic)

bathycolpian /bath

ik

ALL

pee an/ adj

•

Having deep

cleavage.

There are so many banal expressions for concept that our language

is

this particular

crying out for a resurrection

of the proper terminology. Very few

women

out there enjoy

the salutation "nice rack!" or relish compliments

"bazookas."

And

while a statement

colpian state overwhelms and delights

25

like

on

their

"Your bathy-

me" may not pave

batbycolpian

26

the

way

to

romance on

its

own,

at least

it's

less likely to get

you slapped. "There was a moment of confusion during the interview

on the Capitol

down

steps,

when

the senator's hearing aid

fell

the front of the bathycolpian reporter's blouse."

(compare mammose) bdellatomy Idel it is

AT o

meel n

•

The

cutting of a leech while

sucking, in order to increase the flow of blood from

the patient.

Apparently plain old leeching just wasn't disgusting

enough

to cure everybody.

"As a young surgeon, Clarence soon learned not to assign

names

when

to his leeches;

the time

bdelloid

came

/DELL

only

it

made

it

harder for him

for a bdellatomy."

oidl adj

Resembling a

•

leech.

[Greek bdella leech + oid] "Paige's bdelloid

younger brother refused to get a job,

arguing that he hadn't 'found the right thing

yet.' Instead,

he continued to siphon bed and board off of his friends and

(compare barrator)

a roster of fleeting lovers."

bdolotic

/DOLL

What can we ness as a

"To

word

is

uh

tiki adj

•

Prone to

farting.

say about bdolotic, except that

its

useful-

obvious.

the horror of her hapless niece, old Mrs.

Grubowski

not only grew more and more violently drunk as the eve-

ning progressed, but increasingly bdolotic, as well."

(compare carminative,

beadledom /BEE dul duml n

•

flatus,

meteorism)

Petty and stupid officialdom.

Nonsensical rules stubbornly adhered to are one hallmark

•

27

•

of beadledom, the culture of which

panding. But beadledom state of

seemingly always ex-

not just about red tape.

is

mind: the standard

is

mode

of thinking for

mean, and self-important people

lazy, stupid,

It is

most of

who

staff

a

the

our

bureaucracies.

"The

insufferable

parking-lot attendant

beadledom of

made

the

snotty teenage

Joyce see red. After reparking

her pickup truck five times within the white lines

somehow

time

over his

little

beau-nasty /bow

The

unsatisfactorily

— she

hut in revenge."

NASS

tee/

n

— each

grimly backed up

(compare spuddle)

A

•

slovenly fop.

correlation between vanity and personal hygiene

is

sometimes a tenuous one.

"Armand the beau-nasty was almost ready for his blind date. He donned his wrinkled but expensive shirt, slipped on

his

malodorous

in the mirror. hair,

Italian shoes,

and admired

Noticing a clot of spackling

his reflection

compound

in his

he donned a fedora at a rakish angle and strutted out

(compare muscod)

the door."

bedizen /bee

DIZ

en/ v

•

To

dress in a flashy or vulgar

manner. [be-+ dizen to dress gaudily]

"Most

of the time, our aunt

attractive person.

When

fully

Martha was

a quietly un-

bedizened for a special oc-

casion, however, such as one of her semiannual dates with

the local knacker, she transformed into a scarecrowlike

(compare callomaniac, mab)

monstrosity."

bedswerver

A

more

hard to

/

BED

swerv

erl

n

visually expressive

find.

•

An

unfaithful spouse.

term for a cheating mate

is

Bedswerver conjures up the image of a hus2S

band or wife walking toward the conjugal bed, then at the last possible moment thinking "Naaah," and changing di(compare apistia)

rection midstride.

bedung /bee with

DUNG/ v

•

1)

To cover with

shit. 2)

To daub

shit.

There are many words cremental matter, but

it

in English is

rare to

having to do with ex-

come

across one with

such delicate shadings of meaning. Useful for describing everything from the object that has been daubed with the lightest

who is

and most gauzy shadings of ordure to the farmer

has had his

special,

fertilizer tractor

overturn on him, bedung

(compare bemute, bepiss, bespawled, bevomit)

begrutten /bee

GROO

ten/ adj

•

Having one's face swollen

or disfigured from weeping. [be-+ grutten (past participle of greet,

meaning to weep)]

"Shortly after the evangelist was indicted for fraud, his fleshy

and perpetually begrutten wife began appearing

reg-

on

television, exhorting the faithful to pray for a

mistrial."

(compare plorabunde, rectopathic)

beldam /BELL dam/ n

•

ularly

A mean

and ugly old woman.

"Bartholemew was blessed with scant physical courage: beldam across the

in fact, he lived in constant fear of the hall

(compare grimalkin)

with the yippy poodle."

bemute /bee

MUTE/ v

•

To drop dung on from above,

as

does a bird.

When

compiling a book of odd English words,

it

never

hurts to throw in one or two denoting the act of dropping shit on someone from a considerable height. "In a move that was arguably more mentally unbalanced

•

29

•

than fect city.

it

was cunning, Gallhager had

way

Each night he would park

lamppost where

no

traffic

finally

his car directly

into the

under the

the pigeons sat; after several weeks,

all

agent in the world would go near his bemuted

(compare feculent)

vehicle."

bepiss /bee PISS/ v

No

found the per-

when he ventured

to avoid traffic tickets

•

To

urinate upon; to wet with urine.

surprises as far as the definition of this

word

is

concerned. "As headmaster of the boarding academy for troublesome

Quimby

children with parents of means,

of that namby-pamby,

New

didn't

fall

for

any

Age, spare-the-rod business.

When little Richie Snead bepissed his bed, he stripped the lad down to his undies, painted his face black, and forced him

to parade in front of the student

reading,

'I

beray /bee

body carrying

a sign

Am a Filthy Little Bastard.' " (compare pissburnt) RAY/ v

•

To

splatter with feces.

"After getting berayed yet again,

Ted the zookeeper

made a grim vow: one day he would get even with those damn monkeys." (compare bescumber, conskite, (immerd, ordurous, sharny, shitten)

bescumber /bee

SCUM

berl v

•

To

splatter with feces; to

spray with ordure.

This graphic, horrible-sounding verb in

life.

Remember

Station that time

the

bathroom

stall

is

in

often applicable

Grand Central

you absolutely couldn't wait?

bescumbered from

Was

it

not

floor to eye level, challenging your

knowledge of human anatomy and/or the laws of physics? (compare beray, conskite,

immerd, ordured, sharny, 30

shitten)

beslobber /bee

SLOB

erl v

To cover with sloppy

•

kisses.

Also, to befoul with spittle or anything else running from

mouth.

the

That covers everything from orange

more

juice

—

to

well,

exotic liquids.

"Balthazar reached to his pocket, then groaned wardly:

why was

it

that he could never

a spare handkerchief

new

on these dates with

bespawled /bee SPALD/ adj

Spattered with saliva.

•

add so much color to our language.

"As part of the republic's officials

new 'war on

citizens while naked.

ning, they were exposed to the

While run-

most hideous bespawling

(compare screable, sialismus)

imaginable."

bespew /bee SPEW/ v

•

To

eject

vomit upon.

was another one of those nights

for the Jenkinses: get-

making up, making

ting drunk, fighting viciously, inevitably,

corruption,' pub-

convicted of accepting bribes were forced to

run a gauntlet of angry

"It

his beslobbering

another of the infamous be-words (bevomit,

is

bepiss, etc.) that

lic

in-

to bring

(compare conspue)

girlfriend Estelle?"

This

remember

bespewing each other before

it

was

all

love, and,

over."

(compare tumbrel)

bevomit /bee

VOM

it I

v

•

To vomit upon.

There are two cardinal rules where bevomiting cerned. 1) self.

2)

It is

better to

con-

bevomit someone other than your-

Never bevomit someone

In his Dictionary of the

larger than you.

Vulgar Tongue,

Sir

Francis

wonderful phrase for the bevomiter: Admiral

Grose

lists

of the

Narrow

a

is

Seas ("one

who from

drunkenness vomits

into the lap of the person sitting opposite to him").

(compare emetomaniac, byperemian)

51

bespew

bezoar /BEE zorel n

•

A hardened

gestive tracts of grazing animals,

hair ball

found

in the di-

sometimes rumored to

have medicinal use.

Every

around

"On

man

of the world should have a few of these lying

— perhaps

for use as paperweights.

Old Mother Russia we had no baseballs, but more than once of an afternoon we would go out and toss the old bezoar around." [compare coproma) the steppes of

32

"

bilious bile

")

/BILL ee us/

from the

liver,

adj

•

Suffering from an overflow of

with symptoms including headache,

and

digestion, furry tongue,

"Fifteen straight nights of drinking

had

superintendent's present bilious condition

no shape

nitely in

in-

lethargy.

resulted in the

— he

was

defi-

to clean the sewer drain."

(compare crapulent)

bivirist

men

/BIH

at the

"Was

vir 1st I

n

A woman who

•

enjoys sex with two

same time.

more concerned with her stand on damaging to conservative record? Whatever the rea-

the electorate

the issues, or were such revelations simply less a politician with a

son, the candidate's salad days as a confirmed bivirist never

became a major blatherskite

A

issue in her campaign."

/BLATH

er skitel n

•

A

(compare troilism)

boaster; a loudmouth.

blathering fellow.

"'Simmer down, you

madam

at the

blatherskites!' yelled the cathouse

posse of rowdy, whiskey-soaked cowboys in

her waiting room. 'The next one of

y'all starts

swear won't be able to piss for a week without

trouble

I

hollerin'!'

(compare cacafuego, pentose)

blattoid

/BLAT

oidl adj

"Duane was

•

Resembling a cockroach.

a legend as an exterminator, in part be-

cause he could really think like those he was hired to

and

as the years rolled

toid himself.

blennorrhea

on he became more and more blatcompare suoid (

Men

sive secretion of

When

kill,

ub

REE

uhl n

•

The morbid and

exces-

mucus.

every corner of every tissue in the house has been

3 3

used twice, the

toilet

paper

is

ancient history, the sore area

under your nose resembles a pink toothbrush moustache,

and your

nostrils are

ner napkin, then you

plugged with wads of shredded din-

know

that blennorrhea

is

upon you.

(compare snurt) blissom /BLISS

rams (and,

uml v

•

To copulate with a ewe;

less frequently,

shepherds), adj

•

In heat; ready

to be blissomed.

4 :

blissom

34

said of

•-:>4^^.r.-^--«

This

charmer sounds

little

like

it

should mean some-

thing sweet and ethereal, like "blossom" or "blessing,"

and perhaps

does, in

it

its

own

young

on

talent

reasonably

the

way. However,

if

one reads

paper about a "blissoming

in the culture section of the

downtown

arts scene,"

one may be

not entirely sure that a printing error

if

is

to

blame.

"Having blissomed the ewe, Calvert found himself strangely devoid of any hint of remorse."

blowmaunger

(compare brim)

/BLOW mong erl n A person who •

is

fat to

the point that his or her cheeks are puffed out.

"Climbing up the long diatrist's office

the

flight of stairs leading to his

was always

blowmaunger. Today

catch his breath,

it

what with

of chocolate eclair.

was harder than ever

blowze

for

his cheeks being full of

him

to

chunks

Only the prospect of those root-beer-

flavored lollipops at the top gave

press on."

po-

a strenuous chore for Chester

him

the determination to

(compare brephopolysarcia, porknell, pursy)

/BLOUZE/ n

•

"A

fat,

wench, or one whose whole head

red flaccid bloted is

[sic]

dressed like a slattern."

(Nathaniel Bailey's Dictionary of the English Tongue, 1761.)

"For those magical ten minutes, the inexorable march of time rolled back for the boozy old blowze in the hotel

piano bar, as she warbled along mistily to the strains of her sentimental favorite, 'Send in the Clowns.'"

bolus

/BO

his/

n

•

A

ball of

chewed food, ready

to be swal-

lowed. Also, something hard to swallow, such as a big

"The enormous bolus

in his

cheek oscillated

pill.

slightly as

he spoke, but Cleon showed no sign of getting ready to

swallow

it

and continued

his lengthy

35

•

monologue."

bonnyclabber

/BON ee

klab erl n

Milk gone sour;

•

thick-

ened, curdled milk. Also, beer mixed with buttermilk or

sour cream.

Bonnyclabber comes from#the

Irish

bainne (milk) +

claba (thick mud).

One

with no change in

meaning. Milk that has turned

sees the

word shortened

to clabber, is

said to

be clabrous.

"Experimentation proved beyond a doubt what Winston had suspected

along:

all

bonnyclabber was not an

pounding down mugfuls of hangover remedy."

effective

(compare caseation)

boodler

/BOOD

ler/

n

•

One who

happily accepts or offers

bribes.

"Busted while trying to purchase an

illegal

substance in

Mexico City, Maurice was sure that his political career had come to an end. But in a happy twist of fate, the judge turned out to be an agreeable old boodler to forget about the

whole episode

willing

(compare cacique, ripesuck)

honorarium."

borborygmus Ibor bor IG muss/ n testines

who was

exchange for a small

in

•

A

rumbling

in the in-

caused by gas.

"Andy, the chaplain, was a true professional, and the sacred silence of the prayer circle severe

borborygmus of one of

his benediction

was shattered by the

his flock, he

continued with

without missing a beat."

(compare

brachyphallic is

when

/BRAK

ee

FAL

ikl adj

•

flatus)

Having a penis

that

very short.

"Swineburne, the brachyphallic customs agent, closed his eyes

and began to inwardly chant 36

his personal

mantra,

'It

ain't the size of the boat,

it's

the

motion of the ocean,'

as

he removed his boxer shorts and entered into his newlywed's embraces for the first time."

(compare macromaniac, micropenis, peniculas, subvirate)

/BREED

breedbate

bate/ n

•

One

looking for a fight or

ar-

gument; a troublemaker. All families have at least one breedbate

on talking

insists

who

gives

politics over

unwanted advice on whether to circumcise

newborn. What

one to do? For

is

become

familiar with

cause

an argument

if

some good

some of is

sive fleshiness in

the

starters,

words

/BREPH

It

their parents

Fat

fat.

helps

book. Be-

o pol ee

SAR

sbubl n

Exces-

•

infant.

many

[Greek brephos newborn infant + poly

toes.

might pay to

in this

(compare baratress, quibberdick)

an

All babies are

it

a

unavoidable, one might as well get

digs in.

brephopolysarcia

little

— he or she who

Thanksgiving dinner, or

little

make them

cheeks, fat

cute,

which

put up with them. (After

all,

+ sarx flesh]

little

is

fingers, fat

the only reason

they just cry most

of the time, and realistically speaking they won't be

good

for any kind of heavy labor for at least several years.) For

the

most

part, people

seem to love these

fat little

people,

but every once in a while one comes across babies with

brephopolysarcia that ror

and wonder:

Do

is

so striking one has to recoil in hor-

even their parents think they're cute?

(compare bulcbin)

brim /BRIM/ v

•

To be

in heat. Also, to copulate (said of

swine).

"With a deep

feeling of pride

and

satisfaction,

inhaled the fresh morning air and surveyed his

•

37

•

Larsen

little

farm:

the

cows lowing

the swine

in the fields, the sheep grazing

brimming

on the

hill,

furiously in their pens."

(compare blissom)

brochity

/BROCH it eel n

•

Crookedness of the

teeth.

[Latin brocchitas a projection of the teeth in animals]

"As the headmistress of the Sterling Thrush for

Young

Ladies,

Wilma Thackleberry prided

Academy herself

on

her ability to transform even the least refined young

woman

into a

paragon of charm. But when she was con-

fronted with Edna, she of the brochity grimace (and fat

mouth

ankles to boot), she simply told the girl to keep her closed at

all

times and always wear long pants."

[compare gubbertush) bromidrosiphobia Ibro mib dro cinatory fear of

One

sif

O

bee ubl n

A

hallu-

body odor.

of only four phobias included in this

a possible five

•

book

(out of

hundred or more). Bromidrosiphobia

is

odd notion of olfactory hallucinations. Just what does one do with a bromidrosiphobe shake him by the shoulders and tell him he's interesting because

carries with

it

it

the

—

(compare muscod, stinkard)

smelling things again?

bromidrosis Ibro mid

RO

"Russell never quite wrestler, his trick of

n

sis/

made

•

Ill-smelling sweat.

the big time as a professional

overcoming opponents with

his bro-

midrosis apparently failing to captivate audiences."

(compare kakidrosis, maschalepbidrosis,

podobromhidrosis

bromomenorrhea IBRD

mo men

smelling menstrual discharge.

38

o

REE

ubl n

•

)

Foul-

Vile, loathsome,

"The day they

and

until

now, unmentionable. advertising

started

bromomenorrhea

remedies during the evening news, Mr. Pendleton

threw his television away."

finally

(compare stomatomenia)

bromopnea Ibro MOP nee ubl n • Foul-smelling breath. "Dr. Hubbard was a bit of a mystery to us at the clinic: as a dentist he

seem to cure

was

his

a genius with a drill, yet he couldn't

own

horrid bromopnea."

(compare saprostomus) buccula IB UK yoo lubl n

•

A

loose, saggy

mass of

flesh un-

derneath the chin; a double chin.

"Many were Carpathian their beds evil

the tossings and turnings that night in the

village, as the sleepless peasants

from

fear of

cowered

in

becoming the next victim of the

Count Buccula, world's

portliest vampire."

(compare choller) bulchin IB ULCH inl n

•

A

chubby or broad-faced

"Everyone loved Jimmie, the

Most

mud

class bulchin

boy.

with a limp.

of the boys expressed their affection by throwing at

him, or by taking turns kicking him in the rear

(compare brephopolysarcia)

end."

burke /BURK/ v order to

sell

•

To murder by smothering;

originally, in

the corpse to a medical school.

So called after William Burke, the diabolical nineteenthcentury Edinburgh

killer

who

suffocated his victims and

sold their unblemished corpses to medical schools for dissection.

Also, figuratively, to "kill" something quietly or furtively

behind the scenes: to burke an investigation, for example.

59

burke

•

40

byental /by

ENT ulll n A •

horse's penis.

Or, as the Oxford English Dictionary puts

it:

"The yard

of a horse."

This word

is

hereby brought to your attention so you

don't end up ordering the fricasseed byental while on your eating tour of provincial England (at least not without

(compare pizzle)

being fully informed).

byspel /BY spell n

"The byspel of

•

The outcast

his rich

lived alone in a shed, tate.

He was

of a family.

and landed

clan,

young Norton

by the woods on the edge of the

not invited to meals, and never spoken

to.

es-

He

did not receive an allowance, an education, or familial love of any kind.

on roots and

homespun

He prowled about

mostly

at night, subsisting

the thin gruel put out for the hogs.

clothing.

And

after the big

ground, taking everyone with

it,

He wore

house burned to the

he inherited every penny

(compare uzzard)

of the family fortune."

byental

41

c FWAY

cacafuego Ikak uh

go/ n

A

•

braggart;

literally,

a

"shit-fire."

[Spanish caca shit + fuego

fire]

"The drinks kept on coming, and Boris the cacafuego continued with his loud, boastful tirades and vulgar gesticulations.

pance little

—

No

matter; he

was about

to get his

form of the beating of

in the

his life

comeup-

— from the

old lady quietly sipping her sherry at the end of the

bar: the

one with the brick

in her purse."

(compare blatherskite, ventose) cachinnator

/KAK

excessively, or for

in ate or/

n

•

One who

laughs loudly,

no reason.

[Latin cachinnare to laugh aloud]

Unfortunately, one of the

more necessary words

in this

lexicon. Cachinnation can arise anywhere, at any time, it is

always extremely

assaults

irritating.

whose source

is

Of

made by

is

and

the everyday sensory

one's fellow

haps only a powerful bodily odor noise

all

human

less

being, per-

agreeable than the

the cachinnator.

This infernal pest, along with his the cachinnator

on the

public spaces where

from which escape

cell

many people

is

latest

unholy mutation,

phone, typically favors enclosed

not possible.

42

are gathered together

Who among us

and

has been

so lucky as to have not

— and

some

shrill

in the vicinity of

our restaurant,

recently

and

—

cast baleful glances

persistent cachinnator in

theater, bus, or plane?

"Six hours trapped in a car with his cachinnating,

mother-in-law were enough to completely

slightly senile

unhinge poor Morton, and he began to tear out great clumps."

SEEK/ n

cacique Ikuh

American

his hair in

(compare klazomaniac)

A

•

corrupt and small-time Latin

political boss.

"United Banana's business motto, 'Find a good cacique

and

stick

tated in

with him,' was hugely successful and widely imi-

its

(compare boodler, ripesuck)

time."

KAL

cacocallia Ikak o

ee ubl n

•

The

state of being ugly

but sexy.

Warning: The authors strongly advise against using

word

"

(compare gaucy)

as a compliment.

cacozelot Ikak o

ZEL

'One needs to be

line of business,'

utl

n

•

An

evil zealot.

a bit of a cacozelot to succeed in this

explained Eric's seedy but avuncular su-

pervisor at the fly-by-night investment firm, showing to his very

own

this

cubicle.

The young

hiree

began to

him

feel that

he had finally found a home."

cadator

ICAD ub

tori

n

•

A

beggar

who

poses as a decayed

gentleman.

"Perhaps

it

was the shambling old beggar's graying

temples, which lent tered suit that

Angie's heart bill.

him an

had seen

of faded dignity, or the tat-

better days.

was touched

Unbeknownst

air

Whatever the reason,

to the tune of a twenty-dollar

to her, this cadator's carefully cultivated

43

aura not only paid for a condo in Miami, but for a growing collection of rare cartoon art as well."

(compare mumblecrust, screeve) cagamosis /kag ub

MO

sis/

n

•

An unhappy

or unpleasant

marriage.

Considering it is

how common

surprising that the

known.

the thing

is

word cagamosis

which is

it

describes,

not more widely

Alas, even divorce lawyers, the particular group that

cagamosis 44

transforms the misfortunes of unhappy marriages into fortunes for themselves, are probably overwhelmingly ignorant of the very

word

that lines their larders.

{compare synechthry)

EYE

callipygian Ikal ip

gee an/ adj

•

Having

nicely

shaped

buttocks.

From the Greek hallos (beautiful) + pyge (buttocks). The noun form of this word is callipyge (a person with nicely

shaped buttocks).

(compare dasypygal, pygobombe, steatopygous)

MAY

callomaniac thai o

delusion that he or she

A

is

nee ak/ n

•

A

person under the

beautiful.

true sparkler of a word. Callomaniacs are

common

enough, and often painfully easy to spot. They also belong to that peculiar

group of people

who one

doesn't

know

whether to pity or to despise. Excepting those few callomaniacs with hearts of gold

whom, beauty

(in

being subjective, such self-deception

almost excusable), everyone with ridiculed without

mercy

this condition

is

should be

until cured.

"Ever the callomaniac, Gretchen insisted on squeezing her figure, with

its

grotesque marshmallow-like consis-

tency, into a variety of overly tight pieces of ing,

spandex cloth-

with the unfortunate result that large pockets of flesh

would

and pieces."

invariably spill out in bits

(compare plutomaniac, sophomaniac)

cantabank

/KANT

ub bank/ n

•

A

second-rate singer of

ballads.

As everyone who has stands,

cantabank

is still

listened to top-40 radio under-

a useful

45

word

today.

callomaniac

•

225

•

silence,

Linus got to drink as

wanted and sleep

in the

much

of the sacred wine as he

back pews during mass." (compare antinomian, eisegetical)

tenesmus /ten

EZ

musl n

Painful,

•

spasmodic attempts to

urinate or defecate, accompanied by involuntary straining. that bit about "involuntary straining" that

It's

makes

tenesmus uniquely unpleasant to contemplate.

"Grace

felt

nothing but sympathy for her husband dur-

ing his racking bout with tenesmus, but she

than a few unnecessary pounds."

tentigo /ten

TIE go/ n

•

had

had helped him work

that the constant straining

Excessive

to admit off

more

(compare nisus)

lust;

inordinate desire for

sex.

Not

to be confused with impetigo, a rash

you get

at the

beach, although both conditions can be discomfiting for a

man

in a tight bathing suit.

(compare erotomania,

testiculous Itess

TIK yoo

lussl adj

•

lascivia, satyriasis)

Having exceedingly

large testicles.

[Latin testiculus testicle]

Certainly this

but

it

word can be employed

also has other uses. For instance,

as a compliment,

who

hasn't at one

time or another been treated to the grotesque but strangely riveting spectacle of

mous,

"No

some prim matron walking an enor-

dog down the

testiculous

sultan of

Siam ever

Gilbert, the testiculous reer

spanned the

man

street?

sired

more

offspring than

milkman, whose forty-nine-year ca-

shortages of

two world wars."

(compare macromaniac)

226

"

thelypthoric Itbel ip

THOR

ikl adj

•

Morally corruptive to

women.

A fairly cryptic definition; the authors wish their sources more specific. "As a young man and budding debaucher of women, Stanley had decided to make a study of all things thelypthoric. Consequently, he was blind from syphilis by the could be a

bit

[compare unnun)

age of thirty."

thrimmel

/THRIM

ell

v

•

To pay

a debt in a

mean and

nig-

who

just

gardly fashion.

Here can't

And

it

is:

pay up

the perfect

word

gracefully. All the

for those people

world hates a thrimmeller.

yet this species of tightfist prospers.

"As a

mob

enforcer with intellectual aspirations, Luther

enjoyed peppering his shakedowns with five-dollar words. 'Listen, bub,'

he would say while hanging a debtor out the

window by

his ankles, 'Quit yer thrimmelling, or yer side-

walk pizza,

see?'

timeserver

/TIME

opinions to

his

[compare swedge)

serv erl n

fit

•

A

person

who

changes

the times, or to be compliant with a

superior.

These spineless ent, a pernicious

jellyfish are

knack

everywhere. Their only

for self-preservation,

is

tal-

enough to

ensure that they will never be eradicated completely. "As a high-level bureaucrat and professional timeserver,

Beisswenger had so attuned his sensitive antennae to the slightest shift in the political

winds that he had managed to

survive five different administrations. ties,

As

for his official du-

no one could remember what they were." [compare ecomaniac, fart-sucker)

227

tittery-whoppet /TIT er ee

mism

WOP it/ n An •

archaic euphe-

for the vagina.

Although

this

word

is

not exactly an insult,

it

is

the

most absurd euphemism

for the female genitalia that the

authors have found after

many months of diligent searchhow one could retain even a

ing. It

is

imagine

difficult to

spark of ardor after saying or hearing this word during a

romantic encounter. "Oh! Darling! That's

it...

touch

my

tittery-whoppet!"

On the

flip

side of the coin, the silliest

that the authors have yet seen

term for the penis

probably Polyphemus.

is

Polyphemus was the original one-eyed monster, the cyclops that devoured several of Ulysses'

somewhat obtuse, Doubtless there

is

this

word

is

men. Aside from being also

an allusion from the

crippled, half-blind midget that

quaintly classics

would be

far

hopeful.

denoting a

more

fitting

than that of a mighty, towering, single-eyed monster, but

we

don't

know what

it is.

(compare aerocolpos, licktwat)

tomalley /tub

cooked

There those

MOLL

eel

n

•

The

green, slimy liver of a

lobster. are, incidentally,

who

like tomalley,

two types of people and those

who

in the world:

don't especially

care for ill-smelling, mucuslike substances harvested from the innards of animals.

"After Mrs. Pendergrast reiterated her

about the tomalley being the

pronouncement

'best part' of the lobster,

Joe insisted she take his in return for both claws."

tosspot

/TOSS pot/ n

•

[From the phrase to

A

drunkard.

toss a pot, to drink a pot]

228

little

tosspot

What Should

a

it

charming and evocative

little

word tosspot

be updated to take into account the alcohol

ceptacles of today? Tossbottle has a nice ring to

is.

re-

it.

"Hank, the neighborhood tosspot, could never seem to get his old pickup truck off blocks

and running again. But

much

to the consternation of

he just loved to tinker, and

his neighbors he spent the better part of every

weekend

whaling away under the hood with a ball-peen hammer while abominably drunk."

(compare barlicbood, debacchate)

ADE/ n • A woman, especially one with a large who practices tribadism; a female genital rubber.

tribade Itrib clitoris,

Tribade the

first

is

a

word with

a long

and worthy pedigree. In

century A.D., the famed

229

Roman

poet Martial

wrote: "Philaenis the tribade pedicates* boys, and

man

than a

in

one day work eleven

stiffer

girls."

(compare

fricatrice)

4

tribadism /TRIB

women.

ud ism/ n

Genital rubbing between

•

Also, any rubbing of the female genitalia that re-

orgasm.

sults in

Tribadism comes from the Greek tribas (rubbing). "Denise thanked heaven her parents had sent her to

horseback riding camp as a never have stumbled learning

how

upon

little girl,

or else she might

the joys of tribadism

when

to canter that fateful afternoon."

trichotillomania ing out of one's

/TRIK o

own

til

MAY nee

o

hair, as in certain

ubl n

•

The

tear-

disordered states of

mind.

Everyday events that may drive one to trichotillomania include locking oneself out of one's car and leaving one's

plane ticket on the dresser while one speeds to the airport.

"The trichotillomania Prescott filled in his ticket

jackpot by a single digit

away

appeared not long after

first

wrong and missed

—

it

the lottery

had never completely gone

since."

triorchid /try figuratively,

OR

kid/ n

•

A man

with three

testicles.

Also,

an extremely lascivious man.

"Born with 'one to

spare,' Gustav, the alcoholic tri-

orchid, enjoyed telling everyone within earshot exactly

how

it

felt

to be one of the horniest

men

alive."

(compare polymasthus)

Pedicate:

To debauch

via the anus.

•

230

•

troat

/TROAT/

v

•

To cry out

like a rutting

buck, n

•

The

cry of a rutting buck.

The authors know of no mating

better

word

for a bellowing

call.

"Mortified, Winchester realized he had shattered the

predawn

silence

— and awoken everyone

troating during the act of love."

trocar

/TRO

rectums of

To be held

karl n

•

A

uid from

trapped gas.

which

do have other

body

—

by (compare fream)

hollow tube farmers insert into the

cattle to release

sure, trocars,

drills,

in the lodge

at first glance

resemble hand-

uses, such as the draining of liq-

But nothing quite as humorous as

cavities.

deflating steers.

"One

of

little

Timmy's

was buggering the stud troilism

nage a

/TROY

least favorite chores

on the farm

bull with a trocar every afternoon."

\isml n

•

Sex between three partners; me-

trois.

trocar

231

troilism

Troilism comes from the French trois (three). the question:

why

are the English

concepts

(frottage,

renifleur,

derived?

And where

along the

cide to attach the kiss,"

words

retifism) line

for so

so

Which begs many sexual

often

French-

did English speakers de-

word "French" ("French

toast,"

"French

"French tickler") to anything that was either sexy or

•

232

•

Do

tasted

good?

do we

just like to think that they

more

fun, or

finally

agreed

the French, like blondes, have

do?

"Smitty was overjoyed that his wife had

to partake in troilism for his thirtieth birthday

saw

that her choice of a third

was

the hairy

/TRUG uh

bell eel

n

A

•

until he

plumber from

(compare

downstairs."

trugabelly

—

bivirist)

short and dirty fellow

assigned to the most menial tasks.

This poor drudge scorn.

On

perhaps more an object of pity than

is

the other hand,

who would

called a trugabelly? Clearly this

not object to being

not a nice word.

is

"Frustrated by her billionaire husband's lack of attention, the trophy wife

had no recourse but to

her considerable affections

manured

the grounds

upon

the old trugabelly

on Tuesdays

/TUM

who

— the one with the gap(compare barkled)

toothed smile."

tumbrel

lavish all of

brell

porting dung. 2)

A

n

•

1)

person

A

cart that

who

is

is

used for trans-

drunk to the point of

vomiting.

While

dung

it

know

can't hurt to

cart, the

another

second definition of

this

way to refer word is more

to a

mane. The next time an overly soused guest deposits

gerhis

dinner on your bathroom floor, you will be able to refrain

from issuing a hackneyed batch of expletives and instead correctly peg

him with

the proper terminology.

(compare bespew)

turdefy [turd

A

/TURD

if

eye/ v

•

To turn

from Old English tord +

point of usage:

It is

into feces.

-fy to

make]

the authors' understanding that

233

twitchel

234

verb can be both transitive and intransitive. That

this

can refer to the act of becoming turning something else into "After his

new

is, it

shit as well as the act of

shit.

sous-chef turdified the rack of lamb

—

in

addition to the black bean soup, the creme brulee, and even the frisee greens

— Chef Claude snapped

his fingers

and two

burly dishwashers whisked the unlucky lad into the walk-in freezer.

The wily old veteran of

the backbiting culinary

wars was not born yesterday; interrogation quickly deter-

mined which of

his competitors

had

sent the saboteur."

(compare alothen)

twee

/TWEE/ adj

•

"Jessie tried very

a twee surfer

Overly cute. hard to get along with his dorm mate,

boy who always wore

too fond of unicorns. Alas, the

two of them spent

it

pastels

and was rather

proved to be impossible, and

the rest of the semester maintaining

a sullen silence."

twitchel

/TWICH

ull

n

•

"Ever since his stroke

come more and more

A

childish old

last

man.

August, Mr. Dodwell had be-

of a twitchel.

What

a tragedy

it

was

to see the once-proud drill sergeant reduced to a squalling

brat

who would

cry

when

he didn't get a sweetie after

dinner."

235

u ucalegon lyoo

on

KAL

eh gonl n

•

A neighbor whose house

is

fire.

[From the name of a Trojan chieftan whose house was set ablaze

Not

a

by the Greeks]

word

and not a particularly

to use every day,

sulting one, either. But the authors

still

feel that

in-

ucalegon

is

interesting

enough

ume.

ever does offer an opportunity to use this word,

If life

to warrant inclusion in the present vol-

you would be wise to

seize

it,

as another chance

may

never

come. "Mingling with the crowd gathered outside the burning dwelling, the ill-starred lexicographer simply could not re-

smugly flaunting the word ucalegon

strain himself; after

several

dozen times, he was

set

upon by

unasinous lyoo [Latin

NASS

in us/ adj

unus one + asinus

The reader may word, but unasinous

•

and

Equally stupid.

ass]

wonder how more useful than

well is

his neighbors

[compare epicaricacy)

cast into the flames."

to

employ such a

it first

appears. For

instance, in describing both sides of a foolish argument.

"Controlled experiments with the Chinese finger trap

proved what the townsfolk had suspected Underhill twins were indeed unasinous."

236

all

along: the

unipygic lyoo ni FIE gikl adj [Latin

Having but one

•

ass cheek.

unus one + Greek pyge rump]

Literally, half-assed.

A

good word

"...

And

so

man whose to

where

unipygic leadership has brought this company

it is

unnun lun

for veiled insults:

introduce to you, ladies and gentlemen, the

I

(compare apoglutic, kakopygian)

today. ..."

NUN/

v

•

To

strip a

nun

of her position or

character.

While the

strict definition

of this

word

doesn't specify

involves engaging in sex with a nun,

that

it

ask:

How else would one

courage her to gamble?

strip a

And

we

are left to

nun of her character

— en-

while the deviants reading

book will in all probability never have a chance to unnun a holy sister, now at least they can fantasize about it

this

with the correct terminology.

"When to

Pablo's sweetheart joined the convent he refused

acknowledge

ing

up

futile

dream-

defeat, but spent the rest of his days

schemes to unnun her."

(compare thelypthoric)

uranism ically

/YOO

run ism/ n

•

Homosexuality among "phys-

normal" men.

The authors' source does not meant by "physically normal."

specify exactly

what

is

"Sutton's doctoral thesis, 'Uranism in the Prison Sys-

tem: Past, Present, and Future' yielded small degree of public acclaim

— and

him

the benefit of a

a surfeit of

phone

numbers from strapping ex-convicts." urinarium

/YOO

the runoff urine

rin

AIR

ee

uml n

from a stable and 237

•

•

A

stores

tank that collects it

for future use.

unnun

238

Urine collected in this izer,

way could

then be used for

fertil-

or perhaps even for lant or lotium.

"As punishment for breaking the eggs, the bossman or-

dered Oliver to swab out the farm's urinarium in the noon

(compare stercorary)

heat."

urinous

/YOO

rin us/ adj

•

Smelling

like,

marked by

the

presence of, or resembling urine.

A word "The

as useful in the big city as

slight

it is

on the farm.

urinous tinge to the soup was the tipoff that

eventually led to the arrest of the vengeful caterer."

(compare fecaloid)

uriposiac lyoo rip

O zee akl n A drinker of urine. •

[Greek ouron urine + posis drinking] Yes, they urine.

Why?

eficial to

do shoot

horses,

In certain circles

drink your

and some people do drink

it is

held to be medically ben-

batch of the day (Gandhi

first

ported to have quaffed a cup of his

own

special

is re-

home brew

every morning). Other folks like to imbibe someone

else's;

maybe they just like the taste. "The ideological battle at the clinic was fast becoming an ugly one. Now the uriposiac camp of doctors attempted to take the upper hand by secretly spiking the patient's IV bags

with their panacea. The results were not encouraging."

(compare

urning

/URN

ingl n

An uncommon someone who isn't

•

A

but

homosexual. fairly

yet

another

straightforward

word

for

straight.

"Johnny Flowers, cabaret into

leint)

star extraordinaire,

sequined

•

239

outfit

•

—

his

third

changed for

the

evening

— and

tional torch

regaled the sold-out

song

'I've

Got

crowd with

his

emo-

a Yearning for an Urning.'

"

{compare poger)

urolagnia

/YOO

ro

LAG

from urine or urination,

"Few

either one's

Sexual excitement

•

own

or another's.

fans enjoyed drinking quart after quart of

beer at the ballpark as

made

nee ubl n

much

whose urolagnia

as Troy,

room

the trip to the men's

warm also

every other inning a

keenly-awaited treat."

urolagniac

/YOO

ro

LAG

rives sexual pleasure

nee akl n

A

•

who dehis own or

deviant

from urine or urination,

another person's.

"Medcorp

God

executives prayed to

wouldn't catch wind of that

that the

press

business concerning

little

Fred, the urolagniac lab assistant, and his nocturnal bac-

[compare renifleur)

chanals."

urticate

/URT

ik ate/

form of treatment

v

•

To

flog

with stinging

nettles: a

for paralysis.

"Mr. Wither spoon enjoyed a good,

stiff

urtication in the

morning, and whenever possible would follow sacking one or

two members

it

up by

of his staff."

(compare mastigop boric) uxoravalent /ooks or

AHV ub

lent/ adj

•

Able to have sex

only with one's wife. It is

tion.

unclear

There

is

why we need

no

word

a

for such a rare condi-

real explanation, other

lexicographers like to have

all

than the fact that

their bases covered.

(compare uxorovalent)

240

uxorious looks

OR

ee us/ adj

•

Overly fond of one's wife.

man who

Uxorious describes the

dotes on and idolizes

his wife to sickening excess.

"His coworkers

dropped a piano on Harlan, the

finally

uxorious moving man, when he said he was taking a third job so he could afford music lessons for his tone-deaf

{compare maritality)

bride."

uxorovalent looks or

O

vub

lent/ adj

•

Able to have sex

only with someone other than one's wife.

Oh, what

a difference a letter makes.

{compare uxoravalent) uzzard

/UZZ

ardl n

"Many were

•

A

third-generation bastard.

the nights that Stevens the uzzard, after

consuming too much creme de menthe, would feet

and loudly proclaim

thereof. ringly,

'My

father

rise to his

his pride in his heritage, or lack

was a

bastard,' he

'and his father before

him was

would

declare slur-

a bastard as well!'"

{compare adulterine, yaldson)

•

241

•

V vagient

/VAY jee

entl adj

•

Crying

"Sensing that his political president went

on national

life

TV

which he admitted to every

in

like a child.

hung

in the balance, the

and made a vagient speech sin

he had committed since

the third grade."

vaginismus /vaj in IZ musl n

•

Spasmodic tightening of the

muscles around the vagina, resulting from an extreme aversion to penetration.

"Zelda's date had a great sense of eyes, but

humor and

beautiful

something about the way he ate the bratwurst

triggered violent vaginismus in her."

[compare colpoxerosis)

valgus

/

VAL

gusl n

•

A

bowlegged person.

"Tony, the pint-sized valgus, had a

champion goat

varietist Iver

all

jockey. All he lacked

EYE

ub

tistl

n

•

A

the physical tools of

was the

desire."

person with unorthodox

appetites.

to

"The marriage that had started out so well was doomed fail, for she was a varietist, and he more of a meat-and[compare paraphiliac)

potatoes kind of lover."

242

ventose

hen TOSE/

conceit,

and bombast.

adj

•

Verbally flatulent;

full

of

pomp,

[Latin ventus wind]

"Because of the ventose talk show host's

ability to

fill

endless hours of airtime with his inane rantings, the very

same quality that had always caused most people to loathe him instantly was now making him a very rich man (compare blatherskite, cacafuego)

indeed."

verbigerator Iver

BIG

er

ATE

orI n

•

One who

senselessly

repeats cliches.

"People considered him a sage, and his advice was eagerly sought

seemed to

No

one

Hanson was nothing more than

a se-

by luminaries from

realize that

nile old verbigerator

and wide.

far

with a talent for continually

firing off

(compare echolalia)

platitudes."

vernalagnia Ivern uh

LAG

nee uh/ n

•

Heightened sexual

desire in the springtime.

A

disease with only one

a long, cold shower.

(compare nisus)

In other words, spring fever.

known

cure

vetanda Ive

...

TAN

duhl

n, pi

•

Things that should not be

done.

There are so many things

in life that

and so many people doing them.

word

for this concept

is

It

The parson thought he might enjoy the

memoranda

of their vetanda

was a

seems odd that the

not more widely known.

a harmless tryst with Ms. Lacroix.

But

should not be done,

club-footed, half-wit boy.

243

viraginity

244

JIN

viraginity Ivib rub

and although the

raginian, there

the condition

is

is

eel

n

•

Manliness

in a

no etymological connection

Viraginity has ity,"

it

adjectival

form of

this

woman. to "virgin-

word

is

vi-

nothing in the literature to indicate that

not equally

common

in

Arkansas or North

Carolina. Viraginity loosely describes the attributes of a virago (originally a strong female warrior, later a bold,

woman).

All three

words stem from the Latin

"Lucy read the warning on the

diet pills

and figured she

how bad could 'viraginity' be? As a reonce-ample chest now resembled that of a slightly

was

safe: after all,

sult,

her

(compare gynander)

overweight ten-year-old boy."

vomiturition violent

impudent vir (man).

IVOM

spasms but

icb

little

yoor ISH unl n

•

Vomiting with

brought up. Also, repeated unpro-

ductive vomiting.

"When was going

his attorney told

to cost him,

him

just

how much

Mr. Pecksniff

longed bout of vomiturition."

245

fell

the divorce

victim to a pro-

(compare keck)

w wamble /WOM ach; also, to

bull v

rumble

•

To heave and

"Three hot dogs and two

stomach was wambling

roll, as

an upset stom-

stomach, as hard-to-digest food.

in the

as

creams

ice

it

later,

and

my

poor

had never wambled before." (compare collywobbles)

wetewold /WAIT waldl n

•

A

patient cuckold.

[Middle English cokewold cuckold, with substitution of

wete wit, to know]

"Tyson the wetewold knew that

his wife

was making

time with most of his buddies, but he didn't care. As long as her extracurricular activities freed his beloved electric trains,

him up

to play with

he was content."

(compare wittol)

windbroach Life

might

is

/WIND

broach/ n

•

An

arise to insult a lousy violinist

fourth-grade talent

windbroach witling

inferior fiddler.

long, and one never knows when a necessity

show you

ling/

n

•

A

at the

next

Be prepared: keep

(compare cantabank)

at the ready.

/WIT

—perhaps

attend.

person

who

lacks understanding

or intelligence. "Giinter, the leader of the dangerous expedition to the

246

high Andes, was an imposing

man

with an

turbable confidence about him; unfortunately

was about

to discover

—he was

air

—

of imper-

as everyone

also a world-class witling."

(compare mumchance)

wittol

/WIT

all/

n

ered by his wife's

•

A

contented cuckold; a

infidelity.

wittol

247

man

unboth-

"Gregor the wittol breathed a sigh of

relief.

The months

of tension in bed, the tedious arguments every night, the

awkward and past,

now

unsatisfying sex

—

all

these were things of the

Eernando had moved

that the virile

(compare wetewold)

door."

woodpusher

in next

/WOOD push

"Determined that

their

erl

n

•

A

poor chess

son would be the next Kasparov,

the Sigorskis refused to recognize that he

pusher with more interest

in dolls

Their insistence that he play the itarium before he

player.

was eleven."

248

was

a

wood-

than in a chess board.

game

sent

him

to the san-

X xanthodont

A

/ZAN

thoh dontl adj

•

Having yellow

teeth.

distinguishing characteristic of smokers and coffee

drinkers.

"Baking soda,

rinses, bleach:

none of

worked. Only

it

the airbrush could help Natalie, the xanthodont fashion

model."

xysma /ZIZE mubl n found

•

"Material, like bits of membrane,

in the stools of diarrhea,"

according to Webster's

Universal Unabridged Dictionary of 1936. (We thought

it

best not to tinker with this one.)

However could use?

It is

definitely

dictionary for

it.

this

charming word have

one of the most revolting

— and you had to make

Think of

it

fallen into dis-

as a

little

reward

it all

the

entries in

way

to the

any

Xs

for getting this far.

(compare lientery)

249

Y yaldson

/YALD

son/ n

•

The son of

a prostitute.

"Preston's upbringing in the bordello

one.

He was

lavished with attention

lovingly called

him

'Peaches'

he

felt

the

word yaldson

A

dung set a

/YEE

vill

n

•

aplenty, serving plates

who

day

at the

academy,

uttered with scorn, that

(compare uzzard)

a twinge of shame."

"The Richardsons

yeevil

girls,

and would often braid flow-

ers in his hair. It wasn't until his first

when he heard

had been a happy

from the

fork.

most impressive

table: china

and soup bowls abounding, and

every conceivable type of utensil for each one of the innu-

merable courses they typically served during a formal meal. Given the miserable quality of the food ever, they

itself,

how-

might as well have given each guest a yeevil and

left it at that."

•

250

•

z zoilus

/ZOY lusl n An •

envious person.

[From Zoilus, the name of a Greek famed

for his criti-

cisms of Homer]

"Andrew was cursed with

who

ulty advisor,

ridiculed

and

ended up abandoning

that he

a jealous belittled

and scheming

him

fac-

so mercilessly

Ph.D. to take a job teach-

his

ing remedial education in a small rural high school. Several

months

later,

the zoilus published the

work under

his

own

[compare mome)

name." zooerastia /zoo er in sexual activity

ASS

tee

ubl n

•

The

practice of engaging

with an animal.

"Father Rick could never remember whether zooerastia

was a mortal

sin or a venial one, so he told the

confessional to say twenty Hail

man

Marys and made

in the

a mental

note to pray for the man's soul."

zowerswopped

/ZOW er swopt/ adj

•

Foul-tempered.

If we've given cause to offend, rest

to

assured we'd never intend

make you

feel bad,

unpleasant, or sad,

with

tbis

zowerswopped book

251

that we've penned.

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Davies, T. Lewis.

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256

•

LANGUAGE & LINGUISTICS Delicious and disgusting

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Depraved and Insulting English to light our language's

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