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English Pages [276] Year 2002
^ORDS TO OFFEND AnI *,
"
and
ENGLISH
A book
—
on language that you can read on subway, bus, and plane tbougb to be ready for surprised looks wben you laugb out loud."
you have
— Frank McCourt
Peter Novobatzky and
Ammon Shea
and
!N$4!l.tJNtI
ENGLISH
mM IL. I~«T/V
V WjM
and
ENGLISH Peter Novobatzky and
Ammon
A
Harvest Original San Diego
New
Shea
•
Harcourt, Inc
York
London
Copyright
©
2001, 1999 by Peter Novobatzky and
All rights reserved.
No
part of this publication
may
Ammon
Shea
be reproduced
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www.HarcourtBooks.com Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Novobatzky,
Peter.
Depraved and insulting English/ Peter
Novobatzky and p.
cm.
Ammon
Shea.
—
1st ed.
— (Harvest book)
ISBN 0-15-601149-2
3.
— Obscene words — Dictionaries. — Obsolete words —Dictionaries. Invective — Dictionaries. English language — Slang— Dictionaries. 1.
English language
2.
English language
4.
5.
Vocabulary.
I.
Shea,
Ammon.
II.
Title.
PE3721 .N677 2002
427'.09— dc21 Text
set in
2002000479 Sabon
Display set in Bostonia and Basketcase
Designed by Cathy Riggs Printed in the United States of America
First edition
ACEGHFDB
For our parents
Introduction
Amidst the grand panoply that largest
on
this Earth,
is
the English language,
tongue of Shakespeare, Byron, and
number
Melville, there are a puzzling
of words that
mean
"to spray with shit."
Truth to ous
tell,
English teems with obscure
— and
hilari-
— depraved and insulting words, which most educated
people have never heard
A
of.
multitude of sexual and scat-
ological terms, like bescumber,
and
pizzle; a legion of
for offensive or pathetic people, such as tus,
terms
muscod, nullimi-
and raddled.
This fact led to our
first
book, Depraved English, which
focused on the perverse and unseemly side of our lexicon,
and eventually also to Insulting English, which provide a
word
for every type of insult-worthy person.
Depraved and Insulting English
two
earlier
tried to
represents a fusion of the
books; our editors feeling (and
that their contents are compatible
we
agreeing)
enough to co-exist be-
tween the covers of the same volume.
A
lexicon such as this
is
not meant to be read straight
through. Better to dip into glance will reveal that some
some
revolting,
things.
Many
it
at
random. Even
a casual
of the entries are lascivious,
and others derogatory.
A
few are
all
of these
of the featured words are quite old, others
are relatively new.
Some were common
in
another time or
place, while others have never been particularly popular.
There are words (feague comes to mind) for objects, practices,
and
states of
words
side with
knew
being one n^ver
like frottage,
by
existed, side
which describe things one
probably knew existed but never knew there was a word for.
A
choice few, such as groak and urinous, are readily
applicable in everyday
Most
if
not
all
life.
of the words listed in
sulting English are likely to be as
were to us when we But
rest
first
new
Depraved and
to the reader as they
came across them
assured that they are
In-
in
our research.
English words, culled
all real
from a wide variety of sources. Current and out-of-print
word books, works consulted.
dictionaries, cyclopedias, specialty lexicons,
and medical dictionaries were among the For a
full list, see
the bibliography at the end of the book.
The authors take words
lustrating the
full responsibility for
the sentences
in action. These, along
with the
informative paragraphs accompanying the entries as the
odd
limerick
—
are our creations. Writing
abled us to vent a lot of spleen years; so
much
so that
on
we had
built
several occasions
—
il-
little
as well
them
en-
up over the
we
actually
found ourselves running low on spleen. Obviously, the average reader cannot be expected to
commit book.
to
Still,
memory a large proportion of the words in this we hope that at least a few terms will resonate
enough to be
recalled later. After
all,
a
good vocabulary
is
not only a sign of education and intelligence; knowing the
proper word for something sharpens the powers of perception. For example, once a
word
like
shotclog becomes
lodged in your brain, you will begin for the
first
time to see
shotclogs popping up everywhere. Your eyes will have
been opened up to an entire sub-type of humanity that had previously escaped notice.
While Depraved and Insulting English
aspires to be a
useful resource for verbal aggressors, in the end
concern
is
it
main
simply to help readers describe the world and
the people in
think
its
will
it
with succinct and precise terminology.
amaze and amuse, and give people a
We
taste of
what an inexhaustible and bizarre language English really is. And we dare to hope that a few of our readers will come to use at least a handful of these verbal lives
—
gems
in their daily
perhaps on their friends and loved ones.
A Note on the Entries All the entries in
the best of our
Depraved and
Insulting English are, to
knowledge and according to painstaking
search, actual, legitimate English words.
tion guides were designed with
Where selected
the sources
what we
list
feel to
re-
The pronuncia-
American accents
various pronunciations,
in
mind.
we have
be the best one. Similarly, where
the sources disagree as to the spelling or definition of a particular word, or
exercised
whatever
where
different versions exist,
common
sense
judgment has been granted us by the
we have
and lexicographical fates.
and
ENGLISH
"
A ablutophobic lab
LOOT
o
FO
bikl adj
Pathologically
•
afraid of bathing.
[Latin ablutio a
washing + Greek pbobos
"To punish him
for
fear]
committing the unnatural act with
the chalkboard eraser, Mrs. Schneider forced
every day next to the ablutophobic
girl,
Henry
to
sit
the one with the
thick pigtails and the faint but unmistakable odor of old
(compare odorivector, stinkard)
sausage about her."
aboiement Iah bwah
MAHNI
n
•
Involuntary blurting of
animal noises, such as barking.
"The personal ad read cially
secure,
Aboiement
seeks
simply,
SWF
for
a +,' but Marjorie
'Handsome
SWM,
finan-
romance, possibly more.
knew immediately
that she
had stumbled upon her perfect mate." (compare desticate, fream)
abydocomist lab ee do
CO
mistl n
•
A
liar
who
boasts of
his or her falsehood.
"There were at the
lots of
abydocomists working the phones
underground telemarketing
Neville,
who
firm, but
none could top
would cheerfully swindle a widowed grand-
mother out of her annuity fund and then climb atop desk and trumpet, 'I am the king of the lying worms!'
his
(compare fissilingual)
"
acalculiac lay kal
KOOL
ee akl n
•
Someone who cannot
count or do simple math.
"Mortimer could remember exactly when he became math teacher. It was the
disgusted with being a high school
day he met with the principal to discuss the acalculiacs freshman
his
'Lower the
class,
and the old bureaucrat kept
in
insisting:
Mort! Lower the bar!'
bar,
(compare agratnmaticist)
achilous luh
One
of
KAI
lusl adj
many words
are useful for describing
"Wanda was
•
Having no
lips.
scattered throughout this
common
book
that
turnoffs.
a wonderful lady, but no matter
what her
attributes, J.B. could never bring himself to kiss an achilous
woman."
(compare chichiface)
NO
acokoinonia luh ko koy
nee ubl n
•
Sex without
passion.
known
Otherwise
as "the
lucky marrieds, "as good as
acrocephalic
With a
IAK ro sefAL
bit
doldrums." Or, for some unit
gets."
ikl adj
•
(compare artamesia)
Having a pointed
of figurative license, this
skull.
word may be
ex-
tended to cover anything that might be called "pinheaded," a very wide range indeed. For example,
which gives
it
you wish to
tell
him
it is
someone
that his idea
is
harebrained,
if
tell
"acrocephalic, plain and simple."
"Rabbi Abramson was a devout and patient man, but the carnival sideshow all,
how do you
acrotophiliac luh is
wedding
frustrated even him: after
put a yarmulke on an acrocephalic Jew?"
CRO
toe
FEEL
ee akl n
•
A
person
sexually attracted to the stumps of amputees.
who
acokoinonia
One
first words making fun of
of the
thors are
fair; after all,
in the
book, and already the au-
the infirm.
It
doesn't seem quite
an amputee needs love as much as the next
To help make it up to our lesser-limbed friends, we have decided to throw them a bone, in the form of a list detailing the correct word for every different type of perperson.
son strangely and powerfully aroused by the absence of an
appendage:
acrotomophiliac
— One who enjoys fantasizing that
or her sexual partner
ameliotist
amputee
—A
person
is
his
an amputee.
who
is
sexually attracted to an
as a whole, not just to his or her stump.
— One who fantasizes about being an
apotemnophiliac amputee; one or her
body
who
schemes to amputate some part of
in order to gain sexual pleasure.
his
—Someone with a
monopediomaniac
or psychological dependence on
sexual attraction
a one-legged person.
(compare dysmorphophiliac)
/AD ip ose eerl n • A fatty, waxlike material that human and animal tissues sometimes convert into when corpses decompose underwater, and which may preserve adipocere
physical features for long periods. It
more
may
not be very funny, but adipocere
bizarre
and ghoulish words
is
one of the
in the language.
"Freddie Barbarossa, the cemetery king, started out at the bottom, shovel in
hand and adipocere on
his shoes."
(compare engrease, gobbets)
ULT er
adulterine lad
eenl n
A
•
person born of an adul-
terous union.
The
distinction
that a bastard
an adulterine
is
is
between an adulterine and a bastard
simply the offspring of
unwed
the issue of an adulterous union; that
who derived much
is
parents, while is,
one
Both
involving folks
are married, just not to each other.
terms
of their original sting from conventional
grounded
attitudes,
in religion,
toward marriage and
sin.
bastard, however, has triumphed by evolving into a broader definition.
Nowadays,
necessarily
mean
just that is
its
now
a
calling
someone a bastard does not was born out of wedlock,
that the person
is mean and despicable. But while bastard commonly used insult, adulterine remains stuck in
he or she
original, specific
meaning, and
is
not often used.
(compare gandermooner, uzzard, wetewold) aerocolpos
lair
o
KOLE pose/ n
•
Vaginal flatulence;
gas trapped in the vagina.
[Greek aer
air
+ kolpos
bosom •
4
•
or fold]
air
or
Yes, there exists a technical term for this unmentionable
occurrence. So call
it?
why
know what
doesn't anyone
to properly
Other unappealing bodily functions are known
their official names; why does aerocolpos have to go by quiff (meaning, literally, "puff of air")? Could it be that this concept still elicits some feelings of queasiness
by
or embarrassment with certain people? Remember, gentle reader: aerocolpos it
is
as natural as breathing. Just because
mean
often occurs during sex doesn't
to be
ashamed
of.
(However,
authors cannot poke fun at
this
it
it
is
something
does not mean that the
)
(compare eproctolagniac) agastopia lag ub
STOPE
ee uhl n
•
The admiration of
a
part of someone's body.
Everyone occasionally comes under the
spell of agastopia;
who frequently experience it are far more likely to fall down open manholes than the population as a whole. Those who are prone to the condition but do not wish to advertise it may purchase a serviceit is
a proven fact that people
able pair of dark sunglasses from their local five-and-dime
(compare apodyopsis, gynopiper)
store.
agelast IA]
"Much
ub
last I
n
•
A
person
who
never laughs.
to the dismay of Baffo, the drugstore-robbing
clown, the sentencing judge was a stern agelast."
(compare cachinnator)
ageustia lay taste;
tee
ubl n
•
Absence of a sense of
complete or partial loss of the sense of
[a (neg.)
A
GOOSE
taste.
+ Greek geusis taste]
metaphorical gem, and a useful code word to share
with a friend. Symptoms of
this actual
5
•
medical condition
"
include a tolerance for dubious foods, and the wearing of stripes
with plaid.
"Either Janice's
new
in-laws possessed a highly evolved
sense of humor, or they suffered from severe ageustia. else to explain their
that blurted the
wedding
present, a
theme songs from seventies sitcoms every (compare bedizen)
quarter hour?" agitatrix la) ih
who
How
neon cuckoo clock
TAY
trixl
n
•
A
female agitator; a
woman
agitates.
Men can recognize the utterances:
"Does
think she's cute?"
dreaded agitatrix by these
this dress
"Why
make me look
don't you
tell
fat?"
me you
and the ever-popular "You're not allowed to
telltale
"Do you
love
me?"
fart in bed."
(compare baratress) agrammaticist lay gram
agrammaticism: the
"Nathan was
AT iss
inability to
istl
n
•
One
suffering
from
form sentences.
a lifelong agrammaticist, but
was able
to
put this shortcoming to good use in his chosen career: politics.
truly
Speaking entirely in disconnected sound
was
bites,
he
a candidate for the twenty-first century.
(compare acalculiac) agrexophrenia luh
GREX o FREE
perform sexually due to a
nee uhl n
•
Inability to
fear of being overheard.
"Raising a large family in a quaint
little
Irish cottage,
agrexophrenia was a continual problem for Mr. and Mrs.
McDougal,
as the clan usually slept four to a bed."
(compare atolmia)
AY
aidle I
dll v
•
"To earn
one's bread indifferently well."
(Charles Mackay's Lost Beauties of the English Language,
1874)
"Aidling away the months selling greeting cards doorto-door, Michelle didn't care
none
at all.
ever,
and could often be seen
if
she sold two, twelve, or
She did enjoy taking three-hour lunches, howsitting in a quiet
and shady
corner of the park catching up on her reading."
(compare eyeservant, alacuoth
lal
uh
KOO
othl n
•
ploiter)
Involuntary defecation dur-
ing sex.
Befouling oneself
circumstances
is
cope with
difficult to
in the best of
— how much more so with such unfortunate
timing.
No
doubt many readers
will immediately cast alacuoth
onto that dung heap of the mind where one chucks
all
unpleasant things one would rather forget. But while
it
be one of those words of which norant,
it
demands
it is
the
may
happiest to remain
ig-
inclusion in any unflinching discussion
of the descriptive capacities of the English language.
"Milo knew what he was looking
when he
finally
found one
who
for in a
didn't
chronic alacuoth, he slapped a ring on
whisks of a lamb's algolagnia lal go thrills
by
tail."
LAG
woman, and
seem to mind her finger in
his
two
(compare dyspareunia, sterky)
nee uhl n
•
The garnering
of sexual
inflicting or suffering pain.
"Biff's closet algolagnia
compelled him to partake in
contact sports such as tackle football and rugby, where he quickly earned a reputation as both a glutton for punish-
ment and a
(compare mastigophoric)
sadistic bastard."
allochezia lal o
KEE
zee uhl n
•
Defecation from some-
where other than the anus. Also, defecation of something other than feces.
7
•
"Nick was suspicious of doctors allochezia failed to clear
up by
when
as a rule, but
itself
he decided to schedule
(compare copremesis,
an appointment."
his
lientery)
4
allorgasmia
mee uhl n
or GAT,
lal
someone other than Allorgasmia
is
What's more, the spice
more
Fantasizing about
not usually something one openly
cusses with one's sexual partner. But
saves
•
one's partner during sex.
it is
brings to the
it
relationships than
all
fairly
dis-
common.
bedroom probably
the marital therapists west
of the Missippippi. So, the next time allorgasmia causes
boy to make a
the supermarket checkout girl or delivery
guest appearance in your bed
too guilty about
alothen
IAL o
er,
head
•
To grow
many
alothen that the reader
encouraged to
is
•
Lack of
man who
or her
breasts.
got his start in crime as a
teenager, hustling a vile-tasting potion
which he claimed
(compare micromastia)
could cure amastia."
amatorculist lam at or
let his
word
(compare turdefy)
MAST ee uhl n a born con
to leftover tuna
potential uses for the
imagination run wild.
"He was
feel
disgusting.
phenomena
to cultural
casserole, there are so
amastia lay
— try not to
(compare anagapesis)
it.
then/ v
From people
—
COOL
istl
n
•
A pitiful
or insignif-
icant lover.
From
the Latin amatorculus (a
little,
sorry lover).
"Colleagues of Dr. Schiff privately agreed that being
dubbed ably
'the amatorculist'
what had
the emergency
by the nursing
room."
was probbreakdown in
staff
precipitated his unfortunate
(compare meupareunia)
"
AM
ambeer
beerI n
I
The
•
spit-out juice from
chewing
tobacco.
"Being a bat boy was a dream come true for Jimmy, but he soon found that dodging the streams of ambeer in the
dugout took a ambisinister terity
[compare sputative)
lot of practice."
lam
bi
SIN
erf adj
ist
•
with both hands; having "two
[Latin
ambi both +
Lacking manual dexleft
hands."
sinister left]
"Spencer, the airport baggage-handler, had the perfect job for someone as ambisinister as himself. He'd solved the
problem of punching the time clock by holding his teeth,
but the mandatory coffee break
still
his card in
posed special
hazards for him, and he kept a rubberized poncho in his
(compare looby)
locker for the occasion."
ambodexter
who
takes
AM buh dex terl n A corrupt juror; a juror •
I
money from both
sides.
"Carolyn pocketed the cash and shook her head
amazement:
was so
if
she had
lucrative, she
known
that being an
in
ambodexter
wouldn't have dodged jury duty
all
(compare boodler, ripesuck)
those years."
amourette lam oor ETI n
•
A
petty or insignificant love
affair.
"Edward devastated
Kleeger, titan of business and industry,
when
was
the dominatrix he wined and dined
weekends told him
that she was
moving on,
on
saying: 'You
were never more than an amourette, Ed, and not a very en(compare amatorculist)
joyable one, at that.'
amplexus lam or a frog.
PLEX usl n
•
The mating embrace of
a toad
From
comes
the endlessly descriptive world of biology
word. Since
this sparkler of a
common enough
it is
to refer
to a repulsive person as a toad, a figurative use for
plexus logically presents
"The
last
thing
I
remembered from
room
ing in the men's
I
was
terrible
that evening
ik
hid-
I
awoke
in a strange
hangover, only to realize with horror that
firmly caught in her amplexus."
amychesis lam
was
to escape the attentions of the vile
Mrs. Flamm. Early the next morning bed with a
am-
itself. *
EE
sis/
n
•
(compare strene)
Involuntary scratching of a
partner's back during sex.
"As she daubed her
wounds with peroxide
in the
motel
bathroom, Charlotte cursed her luck for having taken a lover
who
suffered from amychesis, and began
what she would
tell
working on
her husband this time."
(compare dyspareunia)
anaclitic Ian ers for
uh KLIT ikl adj
•
1
)
Overly dependent on oth-
emotional support. 2) Overly dependent on one's
mother.
[Greek ana again, up, back + klinein to lean]
"Everyone warned Ellen that she was coddling her teenage son, but she just couldn't
from bed
for a
resist
sponge bath, and so
when he whined
his anaclitic
depen-
dency continued to deepen."
As she
dries off her husband's tears,
Beth wrinkles her nose up and sneers,
"Not
to be a critic,
but you're
still
anaclitic,
and your mother's been dead now
for years."
(compare rectopathic)
10
EE
anagapesis Ian uh gap
sis/
n
•
A
loss of feelings for
one
formerly loved.
This
is
a terrible yet useful word. For
one time or another have clumsily and to say, "I don't love
who
those
all
at
ineffectually struggled
you anymore," without having
to ac-
don't be fooled: "I love you, I'm just not in
tually say
it,
love with
you"
is
a horrible thing to
avoid this and other cliches,
it
is
somebody. To
tell
better to
tell
one's ex-
to-be that one has been stricken with anagapesis
— then
get the hell out of there before he or she reaches for the
(compare allorgasmia, anaxiphilia)
dictionary.
DEE
anaphrodisiac Ian af ro
eliminating sexual desire, n
zhee akl adj
•
Suppressing or
Something that
•
acts against
sexual desire.
— both — scored a
"The two women terly unattractive
in their early thirties hit
Drools, which detailed everything disiac
about men."
anaxiphilia II an love with the
Another
AX if EEL
women
found anaphro-
ee ubl n
•
The
act of falling in
wrong person.
in a
long
not an insult per
tally
ut-
(compare ozoamblyrosis)
list
afflictions, anaxiphilia is
and
with their best-seller The
make fun
of
se,
of depressingly
can befall anyone. While it
can be used to gently
— someone who has
this
rib
recently
word
— or bru-
had
his or
(compare anagapesis)
her heart crushed.
androgalactozemia
common human
IAN
dro gal
AK
toe
ZEE mee
ubl n
•
Secretion of milk from the male breast.
[Greek andros
man
+ gala milk + zemia
loss]
Could any creature be more deserving of
11
ridicule than
the
man
with androgalactozemia? Probably not. The only
consolation for the poor slob with this condition since
most people don't
is
that
believe such a thing can actually
happen, when confronted with perplexed to laugh, at least at
it
they will probably be too
first.
"A shortage of nondairy creamer threatened to disrupt the third annual Androgalactozemia Society luncheon, but the crisis
was soon averted." (compare gynecomastia, pogogniasis)
androphilic Ian dro FIL ikJ adj
•
Preferring
men
over animals.
"Aunt Lucille was a gracious hostess, but she was
on
ting
in years, so at tea
tice the frenzied
and
get-
everyone pretended not to no-
insistent
leg-humpings of Winston,
her androphilic schnauzer."
{compare anthropozoophilic) anhedonia fan bed
O
nee ubl n
•
The
inability to experi-
ence feelings of pleasure or happiness. [an (neg.) + Greek
bedone pleasure +
As people with anhedonia
ia]
make life word worth
are quite likely to
miserable for everyone around them, this
is
a
knowing. "Audrey surrendered to her anhedonia and married a shriveled
and whining orthodontist.
possible for her to be
got
full
anile
happy anyway. At
He/ adj
•
not?
It
least this
was im-
way
she
(compare antithalian)
dental coverage."
/AN
Why
Old-womanish.
"Montigew wanted very much
to play with the other
boys, but his attempts to throw a baseball were so anile that he
wound up
skipping rope with the
•
12
•
girls again."
NIL
anililagnia luh
to elderly
finally
come
mouth and
on him."
ING
this
number
us/ n
his
Sexual contact between
•
word may not be your cup
of tea, anilingus
enough people to warrant inclusion
is
in
of fine dictionaries.
"Melvin had always been the the
now
[compare gerontophilia)
anus.
evidently enjoyed by
when
Sexual attraction
•
to grips with his anililagnia, but
anilingus lay nil
a
nee ubl n
though he was cursed by the gods: he
felt as
lovers kept dying
While
LAG
women.
"Mortimer had
ih
new management team
NIL
it
eel
n
•
it
was
his
Old-womanishness.
"After the candidate's disastrous performance tional television,
up
(compare lecheur)
act to full-fledged anilingus."
anility luh
brownnoser, but
office
arrived he stepped
on na-
Peterson's unenviable duty as
cam-
paign manager to remind him that anility was not what
most people looked animalist
IAN im
for in a leader."
al istl
n
•
A
person
who
engages in
bestiality.
"As a boxer, Hector
proud of
his
The
Animalist' Suarez was rather
moniker, thinking that
it
doubtless
made
ref-
erence to some boundless crop of energy that he possessed. In reality,
it
stemmed more from his nightly habit of drinkenough to couple with anything with
ing himself insensate a pulse."
(compare anthropozoophilic, avisodomy)
anisomastia Ian
iss
o
MAST ee ubl n
breasts of unequal size.
13
•
The
state of
having
anitnalist
"Hedda was
on surgery
sold
for her anisomastia; the
only question was whether to go for enlargement, reduction, or a
little
(compare macromastia, micromastia)
of both."
ankyloproctia Ian
kil
o
PROK
tee
ubl n
•
A
severe con-
striction of the anus.
[Greek ankylos bent, crooked + proktos anus]
The
perfect
word
to describe a tight-ass.
"Donald's ankyloproctia came as a terrible blow to the
pudgy gourmand. His doctors had now
restricted
him
to a
diet consisting entirely of foods that could easily pass
through
his
narrowed system, such
anoia lub
NOY ubl n
•
suffer
from
baby food and over-
Idiocy.
Paradoxically, a condition
do not
as
(compare sterky)
ripe bananas."
most annoying
it.
14
to those
who
"
)
anorchous Ian
OR
kusl adj
•
Having no
testicles.
"'Had you not been such an anorchous
jellyfish,'
and over-educated wife, 'you would have gotten the promotion!'" shrieked Sheila, Kevin's
anorchus Ian
it
OR
shrill
kusl n
A man
•
with no
testicles.
"Only
after the humiliating incident with the waiter did
finally
dawn on Louisa
that she
had married a
total
[compare triorchid
anorchus.
anorgasmic
IAN
gasm during
GAZ
or
mikl adj
•
Failing to achieve or-
sex.
"While the anorgasmic relations he suffered with fifth
upon
his
wife were not something Simon would have wished himself, they were certainly an
situation with his previous brides,
him
at all."
TER
ikl adj
to sleep with
anteric IIan
all
improvement over the of
whom
had refused
[compare dyspareunia)
•
Seeking vengeance for slighted
love.
"In an anteric rage, Sarah decided that slashing the tires of her ex-boyfriend's pickup truck just wasn't enough. So
she set
it
ablaze and flung herself on top of
it."
(compare anaxiphilia)
anthropozoophilic
IAN
thro
PO
zoo FILL
ikl adj
•
At-
tracted to both people and animals.
[Greek anthropos
While sects,
we
this
man
is
+ zoon animal + philein to love]
primarily employed to describe in-
are confident that
ers will find
"Any
term
some of our more deviant read-
another use for
it.
port in a storm,' thought the anthropozoophilic
15
Edmund,
and
after the third
last farmer's
daughter
re-
buffed his licentious advances, and he was told in no uncertain terms to
go and sleep
in the barn."
(compare animalist, avisodomy, omnifutuant) antinomian Ian
NOME
tee
ee an/ n
lieves that faith in Christ frees
•
A
person
who
be-
him or her from moral and
legal obligations.
"No one
in his small
not paying taxes, using a his
own
Southern town objected to Lloyd
homemade
license plate, or flying
separatist flag proclaiming his trailer home/arsenal
to be a 'principality of Jesus.' But there religious expression,
had to be a
limit to
and when the zealous antinomian cut
the ticket line at the high school football game, a lynching
party quickly coalesced out of the throng."
(compare
antithalian Ian tee
laughter or
"Many mayor's
THALE
eisegetical, tartuffe)
ee anl adj
Disapproving of
•
festivity.
were distressed by the law-and-order
citizens
antithalian
laughed in public
crusade
('It's
of
ticketing
anyone
who
a quality-of-life issue,' he insisted).
But no one could deny that the policy, when enforced,
lent
the city something of a genteel and cultivated air."
(compare anhedonia, cachinnator)
antivitruvian Ian
ti
vit
ROO
in destroying architectural
vee anl adj
•
Taking pleasure
monuments.
This wonderfully specific word comes to us from the
name
of a
famed Roman
architect, Vitruvius.
While
it
is
unlikely that the reader will ever have an opportunity to rise at a
town meeting and,
raising his or her voice in a
stentorian fashion, cry: "You,
16
sir,
are nothing
more than
a
base and vile antivitruvianist!,"
number
to be an inordinate
it is still
a
word
that every
know. Certainly there seem
lover of fine buildings should
of these despicable creatures in
circulation today.
"Once he promised them the townsfolk came around antivitruvian plan to rip hall
and replace
it
with
a fifty-dollar tax credit,
most of
to supporting the councilman's
down the seventeenth-century town a new cinderblock courthouse." (compare grimthorpe)
apistia lub
PISS
tee
"Johann was a
uhl n
•
Marital
infidelity.
and crafty fellow: having inserted
sly
a
clause in his prenuptial agreement asserting that apistia
could not be considered grounds for alimony, he free to
whore
his
way
now was
about town with complete abandon." (compare bedswerver)
apodyopsis lap o die
OP
sis/
n
•
The
act of imagining
someone naked. "There were times, such as the summer he worked nursing home, opsis
more of
when Wendell found
his
at the
compulsive apody-
a curse than a blessing."
apoglutic lap o
GLOO
For those readers
tiki adj
who
•
Having a
tiny
rump.
prefer rear ends that are built for
comfort and not for speed, the authors offer apoglutic for use as an insult.
"As
a
renowned
personal
trainer
to
the
stars,
Rolanda was
for her ability to render anyone apoglutic. In-
deed, she refused to consider a client a success until her posterior
was skinny enough
to
make
sitting
on
it
decid-
edly uncomfortable."
(compare kakopygian, unipygic)
17
AY
apophallation lap o fal practice of
shun/ n
Among
•
slugs, the
chewing off a partner's penis following
endowed with what
Slugs are
is
sex.
proportionately one of
the largest penises in the animal kingdom; an eight-inch slug can have a is
member
that
is
just as
long as he
is.
a terrible downside to such phallic magnificence,
There
how-
Every so often a slug will get stuck. Imagine: you're
ever.
hot and sweaty, the deed has been done, and you really
want nothing so much your partner slug for
just can't
chewing
it
as a cigarette
withdraw. Can you really blame the
off?
"Mr. Duval was a dedicated,
among
if
slightly unstable, health
was some degree of contro-
teacher. Nevertheless, there
versy
and a shower, but
the local parents
when he began showing
nature films of animals engaging in apophallation to his
sophomore
class as a deterrent to sexual activity."
(compare dyspareunia) arrhenopiper luh
REN
o pipe erl n
•
"One
that looks
lewdly at men," as defined by Joseph T. Shipley in his Dictionary of Early English.
A
word that well deserves resurrection. "Cad waller's buttocks clenched tightly, as they always did whenever he had to pass through the gaggle of boisterous arrhenopipers blocking the door to the men's room."
(compare gynopiper) artamesia Iart uh in a
woman
It is
MEE
zhee uhl n
Sexual dissatisfaction
due to the premature climax of her partner.
a beautiful thing that a
common
•
occurrence. There
word
is
exists for this all-too-
a difference of opinion,
however, as to where the word artamesia comes from. According to J.E. Schmidt, author of The Lecher's Lexicon,
18
the roots are the Greek artao (to hang) and mesos (in the
middle).
While
explanation
this
is
both plausible and
amusing, one cannot ignore the case to be made for Ar-
Greek queen of Helicarnassus,
timesia, the ancient
eponymous root of
as the
the word.
According to the history books, Artimesia was exceedyouth named Darnadus, and when he
ingly fond of a
re-
buffed her licentious advances she tore his eyes from his
head as he
slept (you go, girlfriend!!!). Yet a third possibil-
that the
ity is
word
originates with Artemesia Gentileschi
(1593-1653), a renowned
Italian painter.
and Maidservant with
painting, Judith fernes,
happens to depict two
tated a
man who
Her most famous
the
Head of Holo-
women who
have decapi-
has slept with one of them.
So there are three viable explanations matters, really, for
— which
hardly
you're experiencing artamesia you
if
need more than a good etymology.
(compare acokoinonia, meupareunia)
aspermia lay
SPERM ee uhl n
"Ironically, the very ley's
•
Inability to ejaculate
same aspermia
sexual efforts futile for
him
semen.
that rendered
Hed-
also led to his gaining a
reputation as a tireless love machine."
(compare spermatoschesis)
asshead /ASS hedl n
•
A
blockhead; a stupid person.
While asshead has the ring of a modern-day schoolyard taunt, insult.
it
and noble history
actually has a long
As such,
it
as a legitimate
has a certain blunt and potent charm.
(compare lobcock)
assot /ASS otl v
"Her
first
day
•
To make at her first
•
a fool of.
job out of college, and Kirsten
19
had thoroughly assorted
They'd told her to
herself.
'dress
her best' for work, and so she had donned the only finery
prom
she had: her bright green
Oh,
when
the humiliation
TOLE mee
atolmia lay
dress
from
they sent her
uhl n
Impotence
•
five years ago.
home
in tears!"
in a
man due
to
lack of confidence.
"Operating according to the credo 'You've got to break a
man
all
again,' the
the
way down
Longwell
before you can build
spectacular failures
— with
—
its
as well as a large
(L.I.M.P.)
number
of
'tough love' approach to cur-
(compare anorgasmic, peniculas)
ing atolmia."
autosmia law
Male Pleasure
Institute for
racked up several successes
him up
TOZ
mee uhl n
The smelling of
•
one's
own
bodily odors.
[Greek auto
+ osme smell]
self
"Jared was an outcast his whole
life,
somehow
never
grasping that his erotic obsession with autosmia was part
(compare odorivector)
of the reason why."
autotheist
or she
is
law toe
"Fisk's
n
One who
•
monstrous egotism.
neglect of even the
more
istl
many minions were accustomed
aire autotheist's
bit
THEE
believes that he
God.
most
It
to the billion-
was
his
complete
basic personal hygiene that took a
(compare pleionosis)
getting used to."
avisodomy luh VIZ o dome
eel
n
•
The
act of having sex
with a bird.
come a time when you word that means to have
Live long enough and there will desperately wish that you
knew
a
sex with a bird. Bereft of such knowledge, most people will
20
sputter and cast about in vain before
coming up with
a
colorful but crude expression, such as 'duck-fucker.'
Avisodomy covers sexual congress with any type bird, but it is most commonly applied to fowl.
of
"Although they were the only house on campus that
in-
sisted their pledges be
videotaped engaging
Sigma Tau Delta had such a degree of
in
avisodomy,
social cachet,
and
threw such splendid mixers, that they had more pledges clamoring to join than any other three
fraternities
com-
(compare animalist, anthropozoophilic)
bined."
axunge /AX unjj n
•
Medicinal lard prepared from geese or
pigs.
Good
for
what
the
ails ye!
new minestrone soup
did not benefit from
consumer group's announcement
that 'natural flavor-
"Sales of the
ings'
was
really just a
fancy
name
for axunge."
(compare bezoar)
•
21
•
B baculum /BAK yoo luml n • The penis bone; present many mammals, absent in humans.
in
Thank God. "Although he traveled
was regarded
in the highest social circles, Tully
something of an eccentric, perhaps be-
as
cause of his extensive baculum collection."
badling
/BAD
ling/
n
•
A man who is effeminate or worthless.
[Old English baedling a womanish man] "After the storm,
all
the
women and
perately to keep the lifeboat
badling, though.
He
flapping his arms in
from sinking. Not Lucas the
hopped up and down in the stern, the air and exclaiming, 'Oh my, oh,
just
my!'" balanic /hub
children bailed des-
{compare subvit ate)
LAN ikl adj
•
Having to do with the penis or
clitoris.
"Sigmund
E. Hopfeizer,
M.D., was
irked: didn't his gen-
erous donation to his alma mater warrant a slightly more
prominent acknowledgment than a plaque
in the Hall of
Balanic Studies?"
balanoplasty /bub
LAN
o plass tee/ n
the penis.
•
22
•
•
Plastic surgery of
"When
his
doctor enthusiastically recommended drastic
balanoplasty to cure his slight incontinence, Arthur knew it
was time
to get a second opinion."
(compare phalloplasty)
barathrum IBA rath rum/ n
An
extortionist
who
•
1.
An
insatiable glutton. 2.
will not be satisfied.
So called after the Barathrum, a
Athens into which criminals,
alive
pit outside the city of
and dead, were thrown.
[compare gulcbin, rabiator)
baratress
She
/BA rub
may
tress/
n
•
A
female quarreler.
just as easily pick
on a woman, but
like
her
cousin the agitatrix, the baratress strikes a special fear into
many
a
man. For who knows what comment,
innocuous though
it
might seem,
the heart of
invoke the
ire
cent, such as
of a baratress?
It
will raise the hackles
"That dress looks good on you," or
barathrum 23
and
could be something innoit
could
be an incredibly stupid statement, like "I had lunch with
my
ex-girlfriend today."
(compare agitatrjx, breedbate, quibberdick)
AT rixl n,
bariatrics Ibarry
pi
•
The
field
of medicine con-
cerned with obesity. "As he lay on the floor of the sauna in his rubber
moments
flected that the science of bariatrics
still
had a long way
(compare impinguinate)
to go."
barkled
suit,
before lapsing into unconsciousness, Milton re-
/BARK
Id/ adj
Encrusted with
•
dirt;
used espe-
cially to describe a person's skin.
"Rich though she was, Hetty
still
fancied that society
owed her something, and she tried to bilk the state out of as much welfare as she could. There was always a mad rush to get her children looking as barkled and possible each time the caseworker
came
ill
clad as
to her door."
(compare trugabelly)
/BAR
• Drunk and mean. McKenna's looked forward to seven o'clock with keen anticipation. For that was when old Mr. Gleason, thoroughly barlichood with cheap gin, would begin hollering with rage at the nightly news on the TV
barlichood
licb
oodl adj
"All the regulars at
over the bar."
(compare debacchate, zowerswopped)
barrator IBA rub tori n
•
An
ambulance-chasing lawyer.
Yes, there exists a time-honored term for this bottomfeeder.
There
is
nothing so nice
as a slick patch of ice
on
the sidewalk
24
to the barrator.
For ultimately, is
all
misery
useful for lining his pockets more.
With great indignation, and fury unbridled, he gets you the monies to which you're entitled. (compare bdelloid, leguleian, rabulistic) bastinado /bass
tin
AY
do/ v
•
To
one's feet with a stick or club, n
beat the soles of some-
The
•
practice of beating
the soles of the feet with a stick or club.
"Talk about dedication: Luigi worked the
week
as flogger
classes
(compare
ends."
THET ikl adj
"Samantha was like
time during
and executioner, but somehow
found time enough to take bastinado
bathetic Ibuh
full
still
on the week-
ferule,
pandy)
Falsely sentimental.
•
truly sickened
by the way her weasel-
boyfriend went to such great lengths to avoid taking
the blame for anything, frequently
waxing bathetic and
crying crocodile tears. After one such episode too many, she
dumped
a pot of boiling spaghetti water
on
his foot
and announced that she was leaving." (compare rectopathic)
bathycolpian /bath
ik
ALL
pee an/ adj
•
Having deep
cleavage.
There are so many banal expressions for concept that our language
is
this particular
crying out for a resurrection
of the proper terminology. Very few
women
out there enjoy
the salutation "nice rack!" or relish compliments
"bazookas."
And
while a statement
colpian state overwhelms and delights
25
like
on
their
"Your bathy-
me" may not pave
batbycolpian
26
the
way
to
romance on
its
own,
at least
it's
less likely to get
you slapped. "There was a moment of confusion during the interview
on the Capitol
down
steps,
when
the senator's hearing aid
fell
the front of the bathycolpian reporter's blouse."
(compare mammose) bdellatomy Idel it is
AT o
meel n
•
The
cutting of a leech while
sucking, in order to increase the flow of blood from
the patient.
Apparently plain old leeching just wasn't disgusting
enough
to cure everybody.
"As a young surgeon, Clarence soon learned not to assign
names
when
to his leeches;
the time
bdelloid
came
/DELL
only
it
made
it
harder for him
for a bdellatomy."
oidl adj
Resembling a
•
leech.
[Greek bdella leech + oid] "Paige's bdelloid
younger brother refused to get a job,
arguing that he hadn't 'found the right thing
yet.' Instead,
he continued to siphon bed and board off of his friends and
(compare barrator)
a roster of fleeting lovers."
bdolotic
/DOLL
What can we ness as a
"To
word
is
uh
tiki adj
•
Prone to
farting.
say about bdolotic, except that
its
useful-
obvious.
the horror of her hapless niece, old Mrs.
Grubowski
not only grew more and more violently drunk as the eve-
ning progressed, but increasingly bdolotic, as well."
(compare carminative,
beadledom /BEE dul duml n
•
flatus,
meteorism)
Petty and stupid officialdom.
Nonsensical rules stubbornly adhered to are one hallmark
•
27
•
of beadledom, the culture of which
panding. But beadledom state of
seemingly always ex-
not just about red tape.
is
mind: the standard
is
mode
of thinking for
mean, and self-important people
lazy, stupid,
It is
most of
who
staff
a
the
our
bureaucracies.
"The
insufferable
parking-lot attendant
beadledom of
made
the
snotty teenage
Joyce see red. After reparking
her pickup truck five times within the white lines
somehow
time
over his
little
beau-nasty /bow
The
unsatisfactorily
— she
hut in revenge."
NASS
tee/
n
— each
grimly backed up
(compare spuddle)
A
•
slovenly fop.
correlation between vanity and personal hygiene
is
sometimes a tenuous one.
"Armand the beau-nasty was almost ready for his blind date. He donned his wrinkled but expensive shirt, slipped on
his
malodorous
in the mirror. hair,
Italian shoes,
and admired
Noticing a clot of spackling
his reflection
compound
in his
he donned a fedora at a rakish angle and strutted out
(compare muscod)
the door."
bedizen /bee
DIZ
en/ v
•
To
dress in a flashy or vulgar
manner. [be-+ dizen to dress gaudily]
"Most
of the time, our aunt
attractive person.
When
fully
Martha was
a quietly un-
bedizened for a special oc-
casion, however, such as one of her semiannual dates with
the local knacker, she transformed into a scarecrowlike
(compare callomaniac, mab)
monstrosity."
bedswerver
A
more
hard to
/
BED
swerv
erl
n
visually expressive
find.
•
An
unfaithful spouse.
term for a cheating mate
is
Bedswerver conjures up the image of a hus2S
band or wife walking toward the conjugal bed, then at the last possible moment thinking "Naaah," and changing di(compare apistia)
rection midstride.
bedung /bee with
DUNG/ v
•
1)
To cover with
shit. 2)
To daub
shit.
There are many words cremental matter, but
it
in English is
rare to
having to do with ex-
come
across one with
such delicate shadings of meaning. Useful for describing everything from the object that has been daubed with the lightest
who is
and most gauzy shadings of ordure to the farmer
has had his
special,
fertilizer tractor
overturn on him, bedung
(compare bemute, bepiss, bespawled, bevomit)
begrutten /bee
GROO
ten/ adj
•
Having one's face swollen
or disfigured from weeping. [be-+ grutten (past participle of greet,
meaning to weep)]
"Shortly after the evangelist was indicted for fraud, his fleshy
and perpetually begrutten wife began appearing
reg-
on
television, exhorting the faithful to pray for a
mistrial."
(compare plorabunde, rectopathic)
beldam /BELL dam/ n
•
ularly
A mean
and ugly old woman.
"Bartholemew was blessed with scant physical courage: beldam across the
in fact, he lived in constant fear of the hall
(compare grimalkin)
with the yippy poodle."
bemute /bee
MUTE/ v
•
To drop dung on from above,
as
does a bird.
When
compiling a book of odd English words,
it
never
hurts to throw in one or two denoting the act of dropping shit on someone from a considerable height. "In a move that was arguably more mentally unbalanced
•
29
•
than fect city.
it
was cunning, Gallhager had
way
Each night he would park
lamppost where
no
traffic
finally
his car directly
into the
under the
the pigeons sat; after several weeks,
all
agent in the world would go near his bemuted
(compare feculent)
vehicle."
bepiss /bee PISS/ v
No
found the per-
when he ventured
to avoid traffic tickets
•
To
urinate upon; to wet with urine.
surprises as far as the definition of this
word
is
concerned. "As headmaster of the boarding academy for troublesome
Quimby
children with parents of means,
of that namby-pamby,
New
didn't
fall
for
any
Age, spare-the-rod business.
When little Richie Snead bepissed his bed, he stripped the lad down to his undies, painted his face black, and forced him
to parade in front of the student
reading,
'I
beray /bee
body carrying
a sign
Am a Filthy Little Bastard.' " (compare pissburnt) RAY/ v
•
To
splatter with feces.
"After getting berayed yet again,
Ted the zookeeper
made a grim vow: one day he would get even with those damn monkeys." (compare bescumber, conskite, (immerd, ordurous, sharny, shitten)
bescumber /bee
SCUM
berl v
•
To
splatter with feces; to
spray with ordure.
This graphic, horrible-sounding verb in
life.
Remember
Station that time
the
bathroom
stall
is
in
often applicable
Grand Central
you absolutely couldn't wait?
bescumbered from
Was
it
not
floor to eye level, challenging your
knowledge of human anatomy and/or the laws of physics? (compare beray, conskite,
immerd, ordured, sharny, 30
shitten)
beslobber /bee
SLOB
erl v
To cover with sloppy
•
kisses.
Also, to befoul with spittle or anything else running from
mouth.
the
That covers everything from orange
more
juice
—
to
well,
exotic liquids.
"Balthazar reached to his pocket, then groaned wardly:
why was
it
that he could never
a spare handkerchief
new
on these dates with
bespawled /bee SPALD/ adj
Spattered with saliva.
•
add so much color to our language.
"As part of the republic's officials
new 'war on
citizens while naked.
ning, they were exposed to the
While run-
most hideous bespawling
(compare screable, sialismus)
imaginable."
bespew /bee SPEW/ v
•
To
eject
vomit upon.
was another one of those nights
for the Jenkinses: get-
making up, making
ting drunk, fighting viciously, inevitably,
corruption,' pub-
convicted of accepting bribes were forced to
run a gauntlet of angry
"It
his beslobbering
another of the infamous be-words (bevomit,
is
bepiss, etc.) that
lic
in-
to bring
(compare conspue)
girlfriend Estelle?"
This
remember
bespewing each other before
it
was
all
love, and,
over."
(compare tumbrel)
bevomit /bee
VOM
it I
v
•
To vomit upon.
There are two cardinal rules where bevomiting cerned. 1) self.
2)
It is
better to
con-
bevomit someone other than your-
Never bevomit someone
In his Dictionary of the
larger than you.
Vulgar Tongue,
Sir
Francis
wonderful phrase for the bevomiter: Admiral
Grose
lists
of the
Narrow
a
is
Seas ("one
who from
drunkenness vomits
into the lap of the person sitting opposite to him").
(compare emetomaniac, byperemian)
51
bespew
bezoar /BEE zorel n
•
A hardened
gestive tracts of grazing animals,
hair ball
found
in the di-
sometimes rumored to
have medicinal use.
Every
around
"On
man
of the world should have a few of these lying
— perhaps
for use as paperweights.
Old Mother Russia we had no baseballs, but more than once of an afternoon we would go out and toss the old bezoar around." [compare coproma) the steppes of
32
"
bilious bile
")
/BILL ee us/
from the
liver,
adj
•
Suffering from an overflow of
with symptoms including headache,
and
digestion, furry tongue,
"Fifteen straight nights of drinking
had
superintendent's present bilious condition
no shape
nitely in
in-
lethargy.
resulted in the
— he
was
defi-
to clean the sewer drain."
(compare crapulent)
bivirist
men
/BIH
at the
"Was
vir 1st I
n
A woman who
•
enjoys sex with two
same time.
more concerned with her stand on damaging to conservative record? Whatever the rea-
the electorate
the issues, or were such revelations simply less a politician with a
son, the candidate's salad days as a confirmed bivirist never
became a major blatherskite
A
issue in her campaign."
/BLATH
er skitel n
•
A
(compare troilism)
boaster; a loudmouth.
blathering fellow.
"'Simmer down, you
madam
at the
blatherskites!' yelled the cathouse
posse of rowdy, whiskey-soaked cowboys in
her waiting room. 'The next one of
y'all starts
swear won't be able to piss for a week without
trouble
I
hollerin'!'
(compare cacafuego, pentose)
blattoid
/BLAT
oidl adj
"Duane was
•
Resembling a cockroach.
a legend as an exterminator, in part be-
cause he could really think like those he was hired to
and
as the years rolled
toid himself.
blennorrhea
on he became more and more blatcompare suoid (
Men
sive secretion of
When
kill,
ub
REE
uhl n
•
The morbid and
exces-
mucus.
every corner of every tissue in the house has been
3 3
used twice, the
toilet
paper
is
ancient history, the sore area
under your nose resembles a pink toothbrush moustache,
and your
nostrils are
ner napkin, then you
plugged with wads of shredded din-
know
that blennorrhea
is
upon you.
(compare snurt) blissom /BLISS
rams (and,
uml v
•
To copulate with a ewe;
less frequently,
shepherds), adj
•
In heat; ready
to be blissomed.
4 :
blissom
34
said of
•-:>4^^.r.-^--«
This
charmer sounds
little
like
it
should mean some-
thing sweet and ethereal, like "blossom" or "blessing,"
and perhaps
does, in
it
its
own
young
on
talent
reasonably
the
way. However,
if
one reads
paper about a "blissoming
in the culture section of the
downtown
arts scene,"
one may be
not entirely sure that a printing error
if
is
to
blame.
"Having blissomed the ewe, Calvert found himself strangely devoid of any hint of remorse."
blowmaunger
(compare brim)
/BLOW mong erl n A person who •
is
fat to
the point that his or her cheeks are puffed out.
"Climbing up the long diatrist's office
the
flight of stairs leading to his
was always
blowmaunger. Today
catch his breath,
it
what with
of chocolate eclair.
was harder than ever
blowze
for
his cheeks being full of
him
to
chunks
Only the prospect of those root-beer-
flavored lollipops at the top gave
press on."
po-
a strenuous chore for Chester
him
the determination to
(compare brephopolysarcia, porknell, pursy)
/BLOUZE/ n
•
"A
fat,
wench, or one whose whole head
red flaccid bloted is
[sic]
dressed like a slattern."
(Nathaniel Bailey's Dictionary of the English Tongue, 1761.)
"For those magical ten minutes, the inexorable march of time rolled back for the boozy old blowze in the hotel
piano bar, as she warbled along mistily to the strains of her sentimental favorite, 'Send in the Clowns.'"
bolus
/BO
his/
n
•
A
ball of
chewed food, ready
to be swal-
lowed. Also, something hard to swallow, such as a big
"The enormous bolus
in his
cheek oscillated
pill.
slightly as
he spoke, but Cleon showed no sign of getting ready to
swallow
it
and continued
his lengthy
35
•
monologue."
bonnyclabber
/BON ee
klab erl n
Milk gone sour;
•
thick-
ened, curdled milk. Also, beer mixed with buttermilk or
sour cream.
Bonnyclabber comes from#the
Irish
bainne (milk) +
claba (thick mud).
One
with no change in
meaning. Milk that has turned
sees the
word shortened
to clabber, is
said to
be clabrous.
"Experimentation proved beyond a doubt what Winston had suspected
along:
all
bonnyclabber was not an
pounding down mugfuls of hangover remedy."
effective
(compare caseation)
boodler
/BOOD
ler/
n
•
One who
happily accepts or offers
bribes.
"Busted while trying to purchase an
illegal
substance in
Mexico City, Maurice was sure that his political career had come to an end. But in a happy twist of fate, the judge turned out to be an agreeable old boodler to forget about the
whole episode
willing
(compare cacique, ripesuck)
honorarium."
borborygmus Ibor bor IG muss/ n testines
who was
exchange for a small
in
•
A
rumbling
in the in-
caused by gas.
"Andy, the chaplain, was a true professional, and the sacred silence of the prayer circle severe
borborygmus of one of
his benediction
was shattered by the
his flock, he
continued with
without missing a beat."
(compare
brachyphallic is
when
/BRAK
ee
FAL
ikl adj
•
flatus)
Having a penis
that
very short.
"Swineburne, the brachyphallic customs agent, closed his eyes
and began to inwardly chant 36
his personal
mantra,
'It
ain't the size of the boat,
it's
the
motion of the ocean,'
as
he removed his boxer shorts and entered into his newlywed's embraces for the first time."
(compare macromaniac, micropenis, peniculas, subvirate)
/BREED
breedbate
bate/ n
•
One
looking for a fight or
ar-
gument; a troublemaker. All families have at least one breedbate
on talking
insists
who
gives
politics over
unwanted advice on whether to circumcise
newborn. What
one to do? For
is
become
familiar with
cause
an argument
if
some good
some of is
sive fleshiness in
the
starters,
words
/BREPH
It
their parents
Fat
fat.
helps
book. Be-
o pol ee
SAR
sbubl n
Exces-
•
infant.
many
[Greek brephos newborn infant + poly
toes.
might pay to
in this
(compare baratress, quibberdick)
an
All babies are
it
a
unavoidable, one might as well get
digs in.
brephopolysarcia
little
— he or she who
Thanksgiving dinner, or
little
make them
cheeks, fat
cute,
which
put up with them. (After
all,
+ sarx flesh]
little
is
fingers, fat
the only reason
they just cry most
of the time, and realistically speaking they won't be
good
for any kind of heavy labor for at least several years.) For
the
most
part, people
seem to love these
fat little
people,
but every once in a while one comes across babies with
brephopolysarcia that ror
and wonder:
Do
is
so striking one has to recoil in hor-
even their parents think they're cute?
(compare bulcbin)
brim /BRIM/ v
•
To be
in heat. Also, to copulate (said of
swine).
"With a deep
feeling of pride
and
satisfaction,
inhaled the fresh morning air and surveyed his
•
37
•
Larsen
little
farm:
the
cows lowing
the swine
in the fields, the sheep grazing
brimming
on the
hill,
furiously in their pens."
(compare blissom)
brochity
/BROCH it eel n
•
Crookedness of the
teeth.
[Latin brocchitas a projection of the teeth in animals]
"As the headmistress of the Sterling Thrush for
Young
Ladies,
Wilma Thackleberry prided
Academy herself
on
her ability to transform even the least refined young
woman
into a
paragon of charm. But when she was con-
fronted with Edna, she of the brochity grimace (and fat
mouth
ankles to boot), she simply told the girl to keep her closed at
all
times and always wear long pants."
[compare gubbertush) bromidrosiphobia Ibro mib dro cinatory fear of
One
sif
O
bee ubl n
A
hallu-
body odor.
of only four phobias included in this
a possible five
•
book
(out of
hundred or more). Bromidrosiphobia
is
odd notion of olfactory hallucinations. Just what does one do with a bromidrosiphobe shake him by the shoulders and tell him he's interesting because
carries with
it
it
the
—
(compare muscod, stinkard)
smelling things again?
bromidrosis Ibro mid
RO
"Russell never quite wrestler, his trick of
n
sis/
made
•
Ill-smelling sweat.
the big time as a professional
overcoming opponents with
his bro-
midrosis apparently failing to captivate audiences."
(compare kakidrosis, maschalepbidrosis,
podobromhidrosis
bromomenorrhea IBRD
mo men
smelling menstrual discharge.
38
o
REE
ubl n
•
)
Foul-
Vile, loathsome,
"The day they
and
until
now, unmentionable. advertising
started
bromomenorrhea
remedies during the evening news, Mr. Pendleton
threw his television away."
finally
(compare stomatomenia)
bromopnea Ibro MOP nee ubl n • Foul-smelling breath. "Dr. Hubbard was a bit of a mystery to us at the clinic: as a dentist he
seem to cure
was
his
a genius with a drill, yet he couldn't
own
horrid bromopnea."
(compare saprostomus) buccula IB UK yoo lubl n
•
A
loose, saggy
mass of
flesh un-
derneath the chin; a double chin.
"Many were Carpathian their beds evil
the tossings and turnings that night in the
village, as the sleepless peasants
from
fear of
cowered
in
becoming the next victim of the
Count Buccula, world's
portliest vampire."
(compare choller) bulchin IB ULCH inl n
•
A
chubby or broad-faced
"Everyone loved Jimmie, the
Most
mud
class bulchin
boy.
with a limp.
of the boys expressed their affection by throwing at
him, or by taking turns kicking him in the rear
(compare brephopolysarcia)
end."
burke /BURK/ v order to
sell
•
To murder by smothering;
originally, in
the corpse to a medical school.
So called after William Burke, the diabolical nineteenthcentury Edinburgh
killer
who
suffocated his victims and
sold their unblemished corpses to medical schools for dissection.
Also, figuratively, to "kill" something quietly or furtively
behind the scenes: to burke an investigation, for example.
59
burke
•
40
byental /by
ENT ulll n A •
horse's penis.
Or, as the Oxford English Dictionary puts
it:
"The yard
of a horse."
This word
is
hereby brought to your attention so you
don't end up ordering the fricasseed byental while on your eating tour of provincial England (at least not without
(compare pizzle)
being fully informed).
byspel /BY spell n
"The byspel of
•
The outcast
his rich
lived alone in a shed, tate.
He was
of a family.
and landed
clan,
young Norton
by the woods on the edge of the
not invited to meals, and never spoken
to.
es-
He
did not receive an allowance, an education, or familial love of any kind.
on roots and
homespun
He prowled about
mostly
at night, subsisting
the thin gruel put out for the hogs.
clothing.
And
after the big
ground, taking everyone with
it,
He wore
house burned to the
he inherited every penny
(compare uzzard)
of the family fortune."
byental
41
c FWAY
cacafuego Ikak uh
go/ n
A
•
braggart;
literally,
a
"shit-fire."
[Spanish caca shit + fuego
fire]
"The drinks kept on coming, and Boris the cacafuego continued with his loud, boastful tirades and vulgar gesticulations.
pance little
—
No
matter; he
was about
to get his
form of the beating of
in the
his life
comeup-
— from the
old lady quietly sipping her sherry at the end of the
bar: the
one with the brick
in her purse."
(compare blatherskite, ventose) cachinnator
/KAK
excessively, or for
in ate or/
n
•
One who
laughs loudly,
no reason.
[Latin cachinnare to laugh aloud]
Unfortunately, one of the
more necessary words
in this
lexicon. Cachinnation can arise anywhere, at any time, it is
always extremely
assaults
irritating.
whose source
is
Of
made by
is
and
the everyday sensory
one's fellow
haps only a powerful bodily odor noise
all
human
less
being, per-
agreeable than the
the cachinnator.
This infernal pest, along with his the cachinnator
on the
public spaces where
from which escape
cell
many people
is
latest
unholy mutation,
phone, typically favors enclosed
not possible.
42
are gathered together
Who among us
and
has been
so lucky as to have not
— and
some
shrill
in the vicinity of
our restaurant,
recently
and
—
cast baleful glances
persistent cachinnator in
theater, bus, or plane?
"Six hours trapped in a car with his cachinnating,
mother-in-law were enough to completely
slightly senile
unhinge poor Morton, and he began to tear out great clumps."
SEEK/ n
cacique Ikuh
American
his hair in
(compare klazomaniac)
A
•
corrupt and small-time Latin
political boss.
"United Banana's business motto, 'Find a good cacique
and
stick
tated in
with him,' was hugely successful and widely imi-
its
(compare boodler, ripesuck)
time."
KAL
cacocallia Ikak o
ee ubl n
•
The
state of being ugly
but sexy.
Warning: The authors strongly advise against using
word
"
(compare gaucy)
as a compliment.
cacozelot Ikak o
ZEL
'One needs to be
line of business,'
utl
n
•
An
evil zealot.
a bit of a cacozelot to succeed in this
explained Eric's seedy but avuncular su-
pervisor at the fly-by-night investment firm, showing to his very
own
this
cubicle.
The young
hiree
began to
him
feel that
he had finally found a home."
cadator
ICAD ub
tori
n
•
A
beggar
who
poses as a decayed
gentleman.
"Perhaps
it
was the shambling old beggar's graying
temples, which lent tered suit that
Angie's heart bill.
him an
had seen
of faded dignity, or the tat-
better days.
was touched
Unbeknownst
air
Whatever the reason,
to the tune of a twenty-dollar
to her, this cadator's carefully cultivated
43
aura not only paid for a condo in Miami, but for a growing collection of rare cartoon art as well."
(compare mumblecrust, screeve) cagamosis /kag ub
MO
sis/
n
•
An unhappy
or unpleasant
marriage.
Considering it is
how common
surprising that the
known.
the thing
is
word cagamosis
which is
it
describes,
not more widely
Alas, even divorce lawyers, the particular group that
cagamosis 44
transforms the misfortunes of unhappy marriages into fortunes for themselves, are probably overwhelmingly ignorant of the very
word
that lines their larders.
{compare synechthry)
EYE
callipygian Ikal ip
gee an/ adj
•
Having
nicely
shaped
buttocks.
From the Greek hallos (beautiful) + pyge (buttocks). The noun form of this word is callipyge (a person with nicely
shaped buttocks).
(compare dasypygal, pygobombe, steatopygous)
MAY
callomaniac thai o
delusion that he or she
A
is
nee ak/ n
•
A
person under the
beautiful.
true sparkler of a word. Callomaniacs are
common
enough, and often painfully easy to spot. They also belong to that peculiar
group of people
who one
doesn't
know
whether to pity or to despise. Excepting those few callomaniacs with hearts of gold
whom, beauty
(in
being subjective, such self-deception
almost excusable), everyone with ridiculed without
mercy
this condition
is
should be
until cured.
"Ever the callomaniac, Gretchen insisted on squeezing her figure, with
its
grotesque marshmallow-like consis-
tency, into a variety of overly tight pieces of ing,
spandex cloth-
with the unfortunate result that large pockets of flesh
would
and pieces."
invariably spill out in bits
(compare plutomaniac, sophomaniac)
cantabank
/KANT
ub bank/ n
•
A
second-rate singer of
ballads.
As everyone who has stands,
cantabank
is still
listened to top-40 radio under-
a useful
45
word
today.
callomaniac
•