The Social Strategist: How to Master Your Social Life, Raise Your Status, and Win More Negotiations 9798218029555

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THE SOCIAL STRATEGIST HOW TO MASTER YOUR SOCIAL LIFE, RAISE YOUR STATUS, AND WIN MORE NEGOTIATIONS

LUCIO BUFFALMANO ALI SCARLETT AND

BESTSELLING AUTHOR OF THE CLEVER CONNECTOR

GET YOUR FREE GIFT!

The Social Strategist © Copyright 2022 Lucio Buffalmano and Ali Scarlett All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other noncommercial uses permitted by copyright law. Although the author and publisher have made every effort to ensure that the information in this book was correct at press time, the author and publisher do not assume and hereby disclaim any liability to any party for any loss, damage, or disruption caused by errors or omissions, whether such errors or omissions result from negligence, accident, or any other cause. Adherence to all applicable laws and regulations, including international, federal, state, and local governing professional licensing, business practices, advertising, and all other aspects of doing business in the U.S., Canada, or any other jurisdiction is the sole responsibility of the reader and consumer. Neither the author nor the publisher assumes any responsibility or liability whatsoever on behalf of the consumer or reader of this material. Any perceived slight of any individual or organization is purely unintentional. The resources in this book are provided for informational purposes only and should not be used to replace the specialized training and professional judgment of a health care or mental health care professional. Neither the author nor the publisher can be held responsible for the use of the information provided within this book. Please always consult a trained professional before making any decision regarding treatment of yourself or others. ISBN: 979-8-218-02955-5

To get the best experience with this book, we’ve found that readers who use the free, in-depth mini-course on social strategies are able to implement faster and take the next steps needed to master their social lives. You can get your free mini-course by visiting: https://thepowermoves.com/newsletter/

TABLE OF CONTENTS Introduction ...............................................................................................vii Chapter 1: Chapter 2: Chapter 3: Chapter 4: Chapter 5: Chapter 6:

How to Gain Positive Influence and Leverage Over Anyone You Want .................................................................. 1 The Number One Quality to Gain Respect and Fairness ...... 30 How to Build a Social Circle of Cool Friends, Allies, and Mentors at Will ............................................................. 61 How to Overcome the Power Games People Play that Cost You Success ........................................................... 78 How to Win More Negotiations with Advanced Frame Control Techniques ................................................. 106 Next Steps .......................................................................... 129

Afterword ................................................................................................ 139 Bibliography............................................................................................ 147 About the Authors ................................................................................... 151

INTRODUCTION Once upon a time, there was a 16-year-old boy who lived an ordinary life. Every day, he would dream of living “the good life” and wonder how to get it. One day, this boy had an unfamiliar, near-death experience, and he was isolated and left to die. He had hit rock bottom, a pitch-black place, a living hell. It was either climb or die there. And, climb he did. He craved wisdom to help himself learn how to survive. He eventually managed to fight his way back into the light. He climbed out of hell. Unfortunately, that climb cost the boy his childlike innocence. But, after much more suffering and effort, he was no longer isolated and no longer dying. He was, finally, back to his ordinary life. And yet, something had changed. Now, the boy wanted to get the good life even more—to get health, wealth, love, and happiness—and he wanted to help others get it too. My name is Ali Scarlett. When I was 16-years-old, I was isolated and left to die.1 I’ve spent my life since then trying to be for myself and others what

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You can get more information about Ali Scarlett’s inspiring life story in his free chapter giveaway of The Clever Connector Second Edition: https://thecleverconnector.com/ all-guides/

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no one was for me, to be a helping hand in order to help myself and others achieve personal empowerment by using helpful information as the pathway to achieving more. That’s why I wrote this book with Lucio Buffalmano.

of rejections. Equally fruitless was my search for a partner. No

So, now, I’d like to share with you a fascinating idea.

I remember a particularly difficult evening, after yet another job

What if we lived in a world where anyone, anywhere had the power—the helpful information—to transform their life through learning?

surprise there—women don’t exactly lust after losers with a beatendog face.

rejection. I picked up the phone to call my parents. I wanted to talk to someone. But I didn’t make the call. I just looked at the phone and then put it back. I wasn’t sure I could make that call without

How would the world change if we applied and shared with each other the helpful information that could transform our lives for the better?

breaking down, and I didn’t want to bring that pain to my parents.

What would the world look like if we transformed the powerless into helpful, powerful people who could help themselves and others live better, happier lives?

a way. For the first time in my life, I could barely see the light at the

That’s my vision, and that’s why I wrote this book.

naive me didn’t have back then—those advanced social skills—are

This is what Lucio says of his own learning experience:

For the first time in my life, I wasn’t so sure that I was going to find end of the tunnel. But, now I know better. Now, I know that those real-world skills that necessary. And, they’re necessary for more than being able to survive the worst that life can throw at us. They’re necessary for those

Before I started learning the advanced social skills I’m about to

of us who want more out of life. For you, that could be to book the

teach you, I was an underdog. Socially unaware, romantically medi-

career deals you dream about, sign the clients you want, or win

ocre, naive, and, of course, clueless about the advanced social

the raise that you’ve been working toward. Or, it could be to drive

skills I needed to navigate the toughest times that were headed

the cars you love, buy the clothes you deserve, or get the partner

my way.

you’re attracted to.

Back then, I used to think that “things will turn out fine in life,

Or, if you’ve read Ali’s work, it could be to build the celebrity, execu-

because…why shouldn’t they?” I was a young, naive optimist—the

tive, or billionaire friendships that you envision.

kind that didn’t have the real-world skills or awareness to handle

Whatever it is for you, the real-world skills that will get you your

my life’s biggest failures.

life’s biggest dreams are the advanced social skills that can turn

One particular December night, Christmas lights adorned a snowy

the people behind your goals into friends, allies, and mentors.

white Berlin. It was beautiful and picturesque. Not for me, though.

Knowing how to navigate your relationships with those key peo-

That night I was crouching on the floor, crying.

ple and decision-makers will leverage them into an advantage that helps you achieve your goals.

I was in a cramped-up back-room of a gay couple’s apartment because that was all I could afford. I was broke, jobless, alone, and desperate. My search for employment amounted to a string

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In today’s world, reaching the heights of social success is harder than ever. When was the last time you had a conversation with someone or was in a

T H E S O C I A L S T R A T E G I S T  ix

negotiation and always knew exactly what to say? Or, when was the last time you got made fun of in front of others and knew exactly how to come out of it on top? Luckily, this book has been designed to resolve your daily stumbling blocks and elevate you to a new level of social success in a concise and easy-to-read fashion. This book is for you if you feel like you suffer from tricky conversations, assertiveness obstacles, or ineffective persuasion. As lifetime students of personal and professional development and experts in the art of navigating social relationships, we’ve read and tested hundreds of the best books, courses, articles, and studies on the subject of advanced social skills. Driven businesspeople, goal-oriented students, and many others who struggle with the higher levels of socialization have already experienced great success by implementing the advice and action steps in this guide. A student of Lucio’s who took the course this book is based on says, “I was expecting good content, but I also thought I was going to read things I already knew. Boy, was I wrong. It’s the first time I’m hearing about most of this stuff, even though I bought dozens of other courses and had a mentor for a year.”2

Dillon Barr, bestselling author of The Happiness Gap, also said, “What a fun and quick read from someone that has succeeded in the industry. He walks you through people in high power positions having the best success with marketing [themselves] while at the same time talking about how our perceptions dictate our reality. A definite recommendation to anyone looking to build themselves up through the power of networking.” But don’t take their word for it. As you go through this book, you’ll see for yourself that its valuable information speaks for itself. If you follow this helpful how-to guide, we promise you’ll get three times as much social success than you have right now. Don’t be the person who misses out on opportunities because you lack the advanced social skills needed to master your social life, raise your status, and win more negotiations. Instead, be the kind of person who goes after what they want in life and gets it. Be the kind of person who takes action. W H O T H I S B O O K I S N OT F O R

Another student of his expressed publicly on ThePowerMoves.com forum, “I’m completely blown away by the material of this course. I have an elite background, first-class education, and yet I didn’t have a clue about this stuff. This material is so powerful that I couldn’t help but feel angry that I had been kept in the dark.”

This book is not for people without a basic, foundational understanding of social skills. The lessons we teach throughout each chapter are advanced and, if you feel unprepared to move beyond the popular advice and literature, then there are other resources out there that would be a better starting point for you. (Basic, foundational social skills include knowing your preferred approach to socializing, moving past small talk, smoothly changing topics, and ending conversations gracefully.)

Bestselling authors who have read my work have also commented on how impactful it was for them. Lise Cartwright, bestselling author of Side Hustle Blueprint, says, “I really enjoyed this book, particularly learning more about how the author came to learn how ‘power’ and the perception of others believing you have power, leads to them valuing you more. The action steps at the end of each chapter help turn this topic into clear actionable tasks, something I enjoyed instead of just passively reading. I’m glad I grabbed this book!”

If, however, you already have a ground level understanding of social skills, then to reach new levels of social success, you only need to keep reading. The advanced social skills and social strategies you’re about to learn have been proven to create long, lasting results. Each chapter will give you new insight as you strive to reach your goals.

2

So, once again, don’t be the person who takes too long to apply the resources that can make their life better and suffers costly losses because of it. Take

You can get more information about the course this book is based on at The Power Moves website: https://thepowermoves.com/courses/power-university/

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T H E S O C I A L S T R A T E G I S T  xi

control of your life right now; make it socially powerful, and enjoy the new life you’re creating.

We’ll be referencing some comprehensive resources throughout the book you can visit and read for free if you’re the type of person who wants more.

W H AT TO D O R I G H T N O W

Social success is yours for the taking. It’s up to you to take it. Simply turn the page and go get the success you deserve.

If you’re already at the point of being ready for this book, chances are you’re a driven person. That means you’re also probably a busy person with lots to do. We know there’s a risk that your interest won’t translate to immediate action right now. So, here are two suggestions on what you can do right now to make your first breakthrough today. 1. Grab the free guide to the best social skills books at The Power Moves.3 It’s completely free, and you get twelve recommendations of the best social skills books available as well as full reviews and pros and cons as to why they made the list. You’re welcome to share those recommendations with your peers, friends, or team. But, be sure to come back to this book to learn how to get even better after building that base. All free guides are in the footnotes, so keep an eye on the footnotes if you want additional, free, in-depth training from either Lucio or me. 2. Read the next two chapters today. You’ve already made it this far into the book—we’re nearly through the introduction now. Done is better than perfect, so do your best to schedule out some time to go through the next two chapters today. In those chapters, you’ll learn the factors that make the difference between short-term success, longterm success, and failure in your social efforts. You’ll also get specific, practical action steps that mean you’ll never again be unsure of the difference between those who make it to the top and those who remain stuck at the bottom.

3

You can get a free, in-depth guide to the best social skills books at The Power Moves website: https://thepowermoves.com/best-social-skills-books/

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T H E S O C I A L S T R A T E G I S T  xiii

CHAPTER 1 HOW TO GAIN POSITIVE INFLUENCE AND LEVERAGE OVER ANYONE YOU WANT

“Charismatic people are that way not because they have access to a bunch of techniques most of us don’t. But, because they execute many of their social fundamentals a little better than normal… Social skills are skills like any other…in the end, you have to practice to really get things down.” —Chris MacLeod, The Social Skills Guidebook

Lucio agrees. The most charismatic people are not using any special techniques, they’re simply executing the fundamentals better than most. If at any point in time throughout this book you feel like things are getting “too advanced” for you or that there has to be an easier way, be patient with yourself before you throw in the towel. Social skills are a skill set. There is no magic technique, insider tip, or quick hack to get good at them—especially not if you want to reach the advanced level. Social skills are a skill like any other that take time and practice before you can gain any understanding or mastery in them.

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With that said, feel free to go back over any points that you feel you don’t quite understand yet as many times as you need. The information you’ll discover in this book (including this chapter) is unlike anything the common self-help literature is teaching, and it’s certainly not taught in school. So, it’s completely OK to take your time learning and understanding the concepts, strategies, and techniques you are going to get from this point forward.

2. 3. 4. 5.

To clarify what we mean when we say “value,” here is a quick definition:

Now, finally, let’s start with the very first thing you need to know to develop advanced social skills. The social exchange.

“In social exchanges, value is an umbrella term for everything that makes or has the potential to make people better off (when the value is positive).”5

The social exchange is foundational to how the most successful high-achievers of this world navigate their relationships. With this chapter, you’ll learn how to navigate your relationships like a high-achiever too. First, let’s start with a definition:

“The social exchange theory is a framework model that looks at social relationships as exchanges among individuals who seek to maximize their selfish interests.”4

The social exchange theory starts from the proven premise that people prefer relationships that add value to their lives. These are the relationships that advance their interests, make them feel good, and generally make them better off. H O W T H E S O C I A L E XC H A N G E H E L P S YO U

When you understand the transactional nature of human relationships—the parts of us that are always checking whether or not a relationship helps us or hurts us—it will help you to: 1. Assess people’s character. 4

Lucio Buffalmano, “How the Social Exchange Theory Can Get You the Network of Your Dreams (Part 1 of 2),” The Clever Connector, January 5, 2022, https:// thecleverconnector.com/social-exchange-theory-part-one/.

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Recognize and choose givers and collaborators who make your life better. Recognize and cut out the “takers” who hamper your progress. Be a better friend or partner. Be a better leader.

“Value” includes both material and emotional benefits. Emotional benefits include things such as attention, gratitude, appreciation, or a positive energy that uplifts people. It can also be as simple as an honest compliment. What people want and appreciate is “value-positive” (meaning it adds value to your life), and what they dislike and avoid is “value-taking” (meaning it takes value from your life). People naturally prefer dealing and engaging with value-giving individuals (people who give value or make us generally better off ), and we often avoid the value-taking ones (people who take away value or make us worse off ). High-value people are people with an abundance of positive value to give us. Generally speaking, these high-value people are people who provide (or could provide) what others want. For that simple fact, high-value people are highly sought after. Now, your efforts to develop a relationship with someone is a negotiation. And, you negotiate your relationships both verbally and non-verbally. Therefore, if you want to have the best chances of building solid relationships with others, 5

Lucio Buffalmano, “How the Social Exchange Theory Can Get You the Network of Your Dreams (Part 1 of 2),” The Clever Connector, January 5, 2022, https:// thecleverconnector.com/social-exchange-theory-part-one/.

T H E S O C I A L S T R A T E G I S T  3

you need to care for more than what you say. You also need to make sure you present yourself to others as a high-value individual. Why? Simple—because people want to be around people who make their lives better. We’ll dive deeper into this in later chapters, but this is the not-so-secret secret to how to master your social life. You can build a social circle of cool friends, allies, and mentors at will when they know you can add value to their lives (make their life better). So, since high-value individuals are people who make (or can make) the lives of others a lot better, who are the low-value people? They’re the opposite. They are people who rarely make others better off and who often make others worse off. It’s the low-value people who are far more likely to become value-takers, and for this simple reason, they are shunned, avoided, and disliked.

for a value-positive transaction (which is where someone could be value-giving), we welcome them—and sometimes even chase them. Generally speaking, we are also much more likely to follow the value-givers and be influenced by them. You might notice that the main takeaway here is to become and act like a value-giver and avoid being (or coming across as) a value-taker. And, that’s right. The more you can get others to view you as helpful to their life rather than harmful, the more you can get relationships with those people—including high-value people who could make your life a lot better. So, acquiring social capital is a great way to make others see you as a helpful giver (which will make them more willing to build a relationship with you).

“Social capital is a measure of the social credit (or social debt, in cases of negative social capital) that you have with other individuals.”8

So, your takeaway is this: by providing value and/or becoming a higher-value individual, you become the person everyone wants to be around—so long as you’re also smooth and warm toward others (more on that later). Now, to keep tabs on how much value you’re giving, people do something called value accounting.6 Think of value accounting as a sort of social bookkeeping where people naturally keep track of who is giving and who is taking, including who could give and who could take.

Your social capital is like a bank account. The difference is, instead of financial transactions flowing money in and out, you have “social transactions” flowing gestures of goodwill in and out.

When we expect a value-negative transaction from someone (when we expect someone to be value-taking), we avoid them. And when we see the potential

Think of it like a video game. You’re playing a game where, in the game, your character is walking by and, suddenly, a random shop owner stops you and asks for your help finding their lost dog. You accept the quest, you go get their lost dog for them, and, as a result, you’ve helped them. So long as you take credit for finding their dog, they’ll give you a reward in the form of a ticket that has “social credit” written on it.

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Now, that ticket (social credit) goes into your (social) bank account. And you can cash in that ticket with that shop owner to ask for something from him

There is sound evidence that almost everyone keeps a “social accounting tab.”7 People do this to make sure they are surrounded by the type of person who makes their life better and not someone who makes their life worse.

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Lucio Buffalmano, “How the Social Exchange Theory Can Get You the Network of Your Dreams (Part 1 of 2),” The Clever Connector, January 5, 2022, https:// thecleverconnector.com/social-exchange-theory-part-one/. Lucio Buffalmano, “Evolutionary Psychology (6th Edition): Notes & Review,” The Power Moves, December 16, 2019, https://thepowermoves.com/evolutionary-psychologyby-david-buss/.

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Lucio Buffalmano, “How the Social Exchange Theory Can Get You the Network of Your Dreams (Part 1 of 2),” The Clever Connector, January 5, 2022, https:// thecleverconnector.com/social-exchange-theory-part-one/.

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and, now, he will be far more likely to give it to you. As an alternative, you can also simply hold onto that ticket for a while, which allows him to remember you positively as the one who helped him with something he needed.

more social credit I gave him in return, which raised his social capi-

As a matter of fact, many of the happy givers who succeed at life don’t go around constantly “calling in their favors.” Instead, they keep accumulating credit and goodwill (tickets) from others because they’re happy to give value.9

been far more likely to give it to him than if he had never done

The more favors you do for others, the more social credits go into your social bank account and the more you can cash in those social credits for things in return. Or, you can simply keep adding to your social bank account to add to the goodwill, leverage, and influence you have over the people you helped. That’s social capital. Having lots of social capital means people see you as someone who has given them lots of value—someone who has been very helpful to them. Here’s a practical, real-life example that Lucio himself added when first reviewing this book’s draft: When Ali sought to give me value, he took a look at what I might find valuable. Then, he gave me his feedback on how to make the graphic designs of my eBooks and website logos more aesthetically pleasing. He gave a full teardown analysis of the psychology of some of my website’s marketing. And, finally, he shared his ideas on a tagline for my business that reflects the themes and beliefs of personal empowerment we encourage over at The Power Moves. These are all things that I did actually find super helpful (AKA valuable). The more value he gave me that I actually found helpful, the

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It’s true that many successful people are happy givers who don’t call back favors. However, if success is a higher priority for you than fulfillment and happiness right now, then it pays to be more strategic about giving to the right people—such as highvalue people and collaborators—and to ask for at least some of the favors back. Also, you want to avoid any giving that is based on a lack of strength to say “no.” That’s weak people-pleasing behavior.

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tal with me further. Ali could’ve asked for something back from me, and I would’ve those things for me. But, instead, Ali chose to hold onto his social credits and keep his social capital with me high, using it to deepen our friendship as we interacted online. Fast-forward to today, and here we are co-authoring this book. One of the things I am happiest about with this book—besides its value to you, dear reader—is that I had the chance to do it specifically with him. That’s because I feel close to Ali, because I see Ali as a huge value-giver and “force for good” in the world, and because I finally had the chance to share some more concrete value with him as thanks for all the value he has given me. And the “agreement” to go ahead with it? A breeze! An idea on the forum first, five texts on WhatsApp to agree on the terms, and done, all because Ali understood the social exchange, adopted a giver mindset, acted as a value-giver, and, as a result, had a ton of positive social capital, trust, and goodwill with me.

Back to us now. You can also start out a relationship with some social capital even before having helped someone. How is that possible? Well, think about it…if you’re a high-value individual, they will already know that you have the potential to give them lots of value and make their life a lot better. In that case, your potential to give, on its own, still earns you almost the same (and sometimes even more) goodwill, leverage, and influence over people that you would have by actually giving. As a result of having lots of social capital (a social bank account well-funded with social credits), people will like you, want something from you, and want to be around you because you lift them up—or can lift them up (which would

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be like “passive social capital” because it’s based on your potential to give, rather than what you’ve actually, already given). Now, the opposite side of that is that you can lose social capital by taking from others. That’s not always bad though, because if there’s a fair balance between your give and take, exchanging with someone often can deepen your relationship with them, so long as you’re being fair and respectful throughout each exchange. The main issue is if you’re consistently taking from someone without giving them anything in return. That’s the social equivalent of putting yourself into “overdraft” because you don’t have any social credits to cash in to get what you want. When you haven’t given before and start out a relationship by taking— especially if the person didn’t offer to give something on their own—those people will view you as a value-taker and avoid you. Positioning yourself as a value-giver first is the surest way to gain the negotiating power to build a relationship and get what you want. Here’s another quick real-life example Lucio shared on ThePowerMoves.com: On Twitter, a person I’d never met or interacted with before sent me a tweet saying, “Direct message me, I have a question on a recent article you wrote.”

OK, let’s do a quick recap. For a successful social life, you need to grow your social capital (social bank account). You do that by giving value to others that they will appreciate and, as a result, give you social credit for (such as by giving others helpful favors). By growing your social capital, you also get goodwill, leverage, and influence over others while increasing your chances of also getting value back. The only question left now is: what value should you give to someone? What value can you give that they would appreciate enough to give you social credits for in return? For example, if you had found the shop owner’s dog when it was never missing, they would never have given you social credits because the value you gave wasn’t helpful. It didn’t make their life any better. In other words, your value was “value-neutral.” To master your social life with new and deeper relationships, you need to give value that’s value-positive. Value that others appreciate enough to give you social credit for. So, to answer the question of “what value to give,” first, we need to cover the different currencies in the social exchange. Not all forms of values (currencies) are always accepted, and some currencies are more in-demand and more valuable than others.

In light of the social exchange, why do you think this was doomed

“A social currency is a specific form of value that people seek in social exchanges.”10

to fail? It’s because when you ask a question, you need an answer, and, on top of that, you are making a demand of someone’s time. That puts you in social debt. That’s why, ideally, you want to make up for your request and give some value back so you can field your request with a balanced

Value can come in many different forms. The currency is the specific form of value that is being offered or traded—for example, a character trait like kindness or a more material benefit like owning a villa in Tuscany that you can share with others (such as for free food and cultural holidays).

social capital—preferably, a positive one or, at least, one that’s less in “overdraft.” (Later, you’ll see a better way this person could’ve gone about asking for an answer to their question.)

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Lucio Buffalmano, “How the Social Exchange Theory Can Get You the Network of Your Dreams (Part 1 of 2),” The Clever Connector, January 5, 2022, https:// thecleverconnector.com/social-exchange-theory-part-one/.

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Think of currencies as sub-categories of your total value, similar to how different investment classes sum up your total personal financial net worth. At any time, people can exchange different classes of investment. And, similarly, at any time, people can exchange different social currencies.

encompass the highly visible social currencies (the ones on the surface) while “inner layers”—or “deeper layers”—include the lower-visibility currencies. Your external layers are the qualities that people first notice about you. They include: • • • • • •

Beauty Style Physical fitness Body language / Nonverbal cues Posture Grooming

The more you improve each quality, the higher each currency’s value rises. For example, becoming very beautiful, very physically fit, or very stylish raises each currency as well as your “total (social) value.” The more you can raise the value of each of your social currencies, the higher-value you become from the get-go.

As a practical example, you can see in dating that since people can offer and trade value in different currencies, couples can pair up while looking very different to each other—think of a beautiful woman with a less attractive but wealthy, high-status man. Both offer very different currencies to each other (beauty, money, and status), yet they still create a balanced enough value exchange to make the relationship work as a win-win. S O C I A L C U R R E N C I E S : “ S U R FA C E ” CURRENCIES AND “DEEP” CURRENCIES

As we said before, social currencies are specific forms of value that people offer and seek. There are countless currencies that people exchange in the social marketplace. One of the most helpful ways to develop social strategies is to divide the currencies in terms of “visibility.” We’ll call them “layers.” “External layers”

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Deeper layer currencies, however, are a bit different because, while they work the same way as external layer currencies in terms of raising your value the more you improve them, they’re not directly visible. To access your deeper layers, people need to get to know you. Your deeper layer currencies include: • • • • • • •

Humor Knowledge Connections Personality Life achievements Mastery (of something) Future potential (to acquire any of the above)

People need to actually get to know you to discover how funny you are, what life achievements you may have, and what your overall personality is like.

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These are not things people can pick up about you and understand simply from looking at you, which is what separates them from the external layers. Now, get this…your external layers are a “pass-through” to your deeper ones.11 Most people are not interested in your deeper qualities if you don’t reach at least a minimum threshold for your external qualities. Here’s an example. How willing are you to talk with a smelly homeless person in tattered clothes? That’s an extreme example of someone having not only low-value external social currencies but negative ones. That homeless person might have a lot of wisdom to share, and that wisdom might be a high-value currency to many people. The issue is that the currency of wisdom is a “deeper layer currency,” and deeper layer currencies take time to show. They require someone who’s willing to stick around to access them. Unfortunately, few people are willing to stick around long enough to access any deeper value from a homeless person. This is because sticking around is value-taking for most people because of the homeless person’s negative external currencies (including smell, social shame for being with a homeless person, perceived risks of erratic behavior, perceived risks of diseases, and so on). Now, compare that to a person who you know equally as little about but who looks like a model. Who would you rather engage with for a date, a friendship, a chat, or even a business deal? It’s an easy choice. The latter person takes better care of themself and, as a result, has higher external value. Those higher-value external qualities also allow them to eventually showcase their deeper layers of value to you. In other words, in life, those external values can help get their foot in the door.

Studies have shown that anyone’s external layers can make their deeper layers look better, and, vice-versa, because both layers always influence each other and feed into one another: • • •

Of course, the opposite is also true. Value-negative appearances will make you come across as a worse person, and value-negative personality traits will make you come across as less physically attractive. So, the takeaway here is to take care of your looks, because they do matter. Especially, since your looks also influence whether or not people view you as having a good personality. Now, you might be thinking that, since both the external and deeper layers feed into one another and influence each other, “actually” being high-value (with your deeper layers) is as important as appearing high-value (with your external layers). Well, honestly, that’s generally true—and, the other way around is also true. As we saw from the example above, taking care of your personality and character is pointless if they never see it. And yet, at the same time, taking care of your looks alone is also not enough, because the better your deeper layers are, the more value you have to give once people do get to know you.

12

The same applies to you. The better your external qualities, the better your chances will be of showcasing your deeper ones. Plus, simply having a higher external value will brighten everything about you—including your deeper, character-based traits.

13

14 11

A few exceptions always apply, but, generally speaking, this is a basic and almost universal social law.

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Beautiful people are perceived as smarter.12 People in authority positions are perceived as taller.13 People with great personalities who make us feel good are perceived as being more attractive.14

Satoshi Kanazawa and Jody L Kovar, “Why Beautiful People Are More Intelligent,” Intelligence 32, no. 3 (May 2004): pp. 227-243, https://doi.org/10.1016/j.intell. 2004.03.003. Lucio Buffalmano, “Winning Body Language by Mark Bowden: Summary & Review,” The Power Moves, October 18, 2017, https://thepowermoves.com/winningbody-language-summary/. Michelle Tornquist and Dan Chiappe, “Effects of Humor Production, Humor Receptivity, and Physical Attractiveness on Partner Desirability,” Evolutionary Psychology 13, no. 4 (October 12, 2015), https://doi.org/10.1177/1474704915608744.

T H E S O C I A L S T R A T E G I S T  13

So, the question remaining is, once you’ve done your best to improve both layers, how can you advertise your deeper layers—the value that people can’t immediately see? How can you make sure people see your worth as a person and see you as actually being high-value beyond the surface-level value of your looks?

DO THIS:

• •

Well, let’s start with what not to do. For starters, avoid bragging. Bragging doesn’t work because anyone can lie, and the bragger, having an obvious interest to inflate their own value, is going to be biased. Plus, it will look like you’re trying to gain the approval of others, which is low-value behavior, and it just sounds cheap on top of portraying poor social skills. Also avoid being too blatant and obvious with your demands for value because it can easily rub people the wrong way. For example, avoid a demanding attitude coupled with saying things like, “I know my worth.” It makes you come across as an entitled status inflator because it sub-communicates, “I set my value, not you. So, regardless of what you think, you have to put in a lot of effort for me because I say I’m worth it.” That’s a covert power move (more on that later), and it annoys people because it seeks to rob them of their right to do their own evaluations. And it’s especially annoying to high-value individuals who tend to be aware of power dynamics and the games many people play (and most high-value people are naturally aware of power moves).15

• •

• •

On ThePowerMoves.com forum, Lucio shared a popular post for that latter technique. He says: On one of my travels, I saw a breathtaking view I absolutely loved. I took a picture that I wanted to share on social media, but I knew it could come across as showing off—especially given that social media is fast-becoming a medium where people only compete with one another about who’s “higher value.” It’s easy for a post of a

If you know your value, great. Just don’t say it—show it.

good time to sub-communicate, “Look how much better I am than you,” even if it’s only a picture of a beautiful view.

So, moving on from what not to do and focusing more on what you can do— when it comes to pitching your deeper, not so immediately obvious currencies, it’s advanced social skills to the rescue.

So, in the caption of the post, I made sure to say, “Do stop here whenever you can…” In doing so, I changed the subcommunication

16

15

Lucio Buffalmano, “Women: Never Say ‘I Know My Value.,’” The Power Moves, October 5, 2020, https://thepowermoves.com/forum/topic/women-never-say-i-knowmy-value/#postid-2964.

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Talk in a way that indirectly shows your deeper qualities (which is an art in itself, we’ll see some examples). Bait others to ask you the questions—or bait them to compliment you.16 Compliment others (which leads them to think you are smart and have great taste). Compliment others for the qualities you also have (a shrewd way to make them realize both your qualities and the commonalities between you two). Share your achievements not with a focus on the achievements but on the fight to get there. Frame whatever could come across as “look how cool I am” as advice or lessons learned17

17

Lucio Buffalmano, “How to Make Women Compliment You (Dating for Men),” The Power Moves, August 27, 2020, https://thepowermoves.com/forum/topic/ how-to-make-women-compliment-you-dating-for-men/. A “frame” is a way of looking at the world, a specific topic, or a social interaction. You’ll hear and learn more about frames as you continue reading.

T H E S O C I A L S T R A T E G I S T  15

from, “Look how much better I am than you,” to, “Here’s me simply sharing tips on where to visit.” That caption brought people up to my same level, indirectly saying that they can travel there, too, and appreciate the view and experience as well. The result? That picture was one of the most popular pictures I ever posted.

Back to us. Now that we’ve covered a basic overview of the social exchange, what it is, and how it works, let’s review some foundational social exchange laws. Though they may sound simple on the surface, take some time to internalize them because they may well contain your keys to success. S O C I A L E XC H A N G E L AW S : T H E B A S I C S

Straight from the social exchange theory, the major laws for social success are:18 1. To get what you want, give others what they want. As we said before, asking without giving is the equivalent of a social overdraft. Your request is likely to be denied for “lack of sufficient social funds.” In other words, you get denied for lack of social capital when you haven’t given anything or if what you’ve given doesn’t make up for what you’re asking for. So, if you instead give others what they want, you are far more likely to also get what you want (which is a “socially balanced request”). 2. To achieve popularity, influence, and power, give value or develop the ability to give value.

18

People with lots of value to give are walking moneybags. Everybody wants them. Most people are willing to follow them and do as they ask since they know that the high-value person can pay them back (of course, they will rarely rationally think that way, but everyone subconsciously thinks that way). 3. To avoid rejections, isolation, and general life failures, avoid taking value from others and avoid positioning yourself as a taker. Since nobody wants to transact, befriend, or date value-takers, value-takers struggle to develop and/or maintain relationships. That’s why a positive reputation is so helpful. A good reputation is like a personal recommendation preceding you and saying “this guy is an honest value-giver.” That’s also why some psychopath value-takers are constantly on the move— they have to keep escaping the negative social bank account balances they keep creating. 4. To befriend, date, do business with, or generally socially transact with high-value folks as a lower-value individual, find something to give to make up the difference or with which to provide “promissory notes” of future paybacks. Everyone wants to associate with high-value folks, but high-value folks prefer associating with other high-value folks—or, at least, with people who are willing to make up the difference. That’s why the first step to transact with high-value people is to avoid framing yourself as just another taker. They have enough of those vying for their time already. Next, you must show that you are not simply neutral. You can also give something. If you don’t have much to give right now, you must give loyalty and gratitude. Gratitude is a promissory note of your willingness to pay them back in the future. (You’ll see examples of that soon.)

Lucio Buffalmano, “How the Social Exchange Theory Can Get You the Network of Your Dreams (Part 1 of 2),” The Clever Connector, January 5, 2022, https:// thecleverconnector.com/social-exchange-theory-part-one/.

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T H E S O C I A L S T R A T E G I S T  17

5. To develop lasting and happy relationships, keep a positive account with everyone (make your relationships win-win). In a negotiation, things often end one of four ways: in a win-win (where both parties win), a win-lose, (where one party wins and the other loses), a lose-lose (where both parties lose), or a no deal (where no deal happens, oftentimes because neither party could reach an agreement). Win-win relationships are the gold standard of social exchanges. When everybody wins, everybody walks away happy. The happiest relationships are the ones that tend to last the longest. Win-lose relationships (where one party is a value-taker, causing the other party to lose) either end soon or turn toxic and must be kept in place with coercion (force) and/or manipulation. Lose-lose are toxic relationships that don’t last. Exceptions always apply— for example, in a toxic relationship where both parties are dependent on one another and make each other worse. But, sticking to the norm here, usually, one major or multiple small lose-lose exchanges in a relationship will lead both parties to part ways, knowing their time and effort is better invested somewhere else (unless, once again, the relationship is kept in place with coercion and/or manipulation). Value-neutral relationships are the equivalent of “no deal” relationships. They can last, but they don’t thrive. So, when you’re negotiating for a relationship, by presenting yourself to others as a value-giver and/or high-value individual, you increase the chances the other person will see a relationship with you as a win-win19—the best kind of relationship out of the four. That will increase the chances they’ll want to build and even deepen a relationship with you.

On the other side of that, equally as important is for you to also be avoiding value-takers. A win-lose relationship wouldn’t be good for you either. No one benefits from constantly being drained by a leech. Now, as you begin working on raising your value (we’ll go deeper on how to do that as we move forward), you might be wondering how exactly you can connect to and build relationships with people who are already high-value. Well, before you can build a real relationship with your target connection, you need to know and understand them first. Enter the profile of the high-value person. H I G H -VA LU E P E O P L E : P R O F I L I N G

“High-value people are individuals with an abundance of value.”20

Easy, right? As we said, that “value” can be traits, skills, or possessions that others enjoy or want. As a rule of thumb, the more you can associate with high-value people, the more successful you will be. But, as we’ve seen, high-value people prefer associating with other high-value people. Why? Because they can get back more, of course! The social exchange theory says that people who have a lot to give also demand a lot back in return. So, if you’re a high-value person, it doesn’t make sense for you to associate with someone who doesn’t have anything to give back. That would be the same as purposely adding leeches to your life, and no one wants to do that.

20 19

And of course, make sure they’re also collaborators or givers. There are plenty of people who’d be happy to take from you while giving little or nothing back.

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Lucio Buffalmano, “How the Social Exchange Theory Can Get You the Network of Your Dreams (Part 1 of 2),” The Clever Connector, January 5, 2022, https:// thecleverconnector.com/social-exchange-theory-part-one/.

T H E S O C I A L S T R A T E G I S T  19

The law of social exchange is also the reason why people tend to pair up with mates who are similar in socioeconomic background, education, and general physical attractiveness. Most people max out their results when they associate with people who have a similar level of value. That ensures a good exchange, with good relationship stability, while reducing the odds that they end up with a lower-value value-taker. Keep in mind that high-value people perceive people with little value to offer as a personal risk. Low-value people trying to hobnob with high-value people are under heavy scrutiny as potential leeches of value. They ask and want but give nothing back (much like a value-taker does). Here’s an example of the burden of being high value: Sara is the head recruiter for a major corporation. She’s smart, cute, and takes care of herself. She has lots to give, particularly to those looking for employment—or a mate. Lots of people pleading for her help send her poor CVs that only waste her time. Some of them are “friends,” who are really people looking to take what she can give while giving nothing back. Some of them are even people on their way out of her social circle, trying their luck at getting a new job by begging Sara for help. They’ll ask her for a job and put her in the difficult situation of having to reject them. Some colleagues are also out swinging after the value in her attractiveness. At the company’s after-hours, there’s always “that guy” who gets drunk and sloppily makes a pass at her. She tries to fight it all, but she’s irritated at being a target to so many simply because of her looks. “God,” says Sara, “Can’t these people appreciate me for who I really am?” Sara is complaining that people only see her external currencies. Nobody is interested in her deeper layers. She particularly feels a pang of resentment when she sees the eyes of people brightening up when she mentions her job in recruitment. She feels they only care about what she can do for them without them giving anything back. Here, Sara is complaining about the lack of reciprocity in the social

20 L U C I O B U F F A L M A N O A N D A L I S C A R L E T T

exchange. She’s surrounded by value-takers. And value-takers can only offer win-lose exchanges. That’s how many high-value people often feel in the presence of value-takers. The value-takers are trying to get something from them without giving anything back. So, this begs the question: how do you ask for value strategically and lift yourself up when you have nothing concrete to give? The simplest solution of them all: you give emotionally. Make people feel good. For example, give praise and gratitude.21 When well-executed, praise and gratitude do a few great things for you: • • •

They show you understand social and power dynamics (and that you owe them). They make the receiver feel good. Gratitude works as a promissory note of future support (for the receiver, it’s like making an ally).

This is far better than being the “entitled value-taker” who asks for value, takes that value, and then acts like it was owed to them by never giving anything back. Those entitled value-takers are the types of people who high-value individuals dislike the most. If you need something from someone, that’s OK. However, seek to give something in return that’s helpful to the other person. Barring that, seek to give emotionally, at the very least, by making the other party feel good for being so giving and helpful (by giving that praise and gratitude). This is crucial to understand because this is what keeps many low-value individuals stuck at the bottom. They don’t understand that high-value people

21

Lucio Buffalmano, “How the Social Exchange Theory Can Get You the Network of Your Dreams (Part 1 of 2),” The Clever Connector, January 5, 2022, https:// thecleverconnector.com/social-exchange-theory-part-one/.

T H E S O C I A L S T R A T E G I S T  21

don’t want to mingle with low-value people who don’t make an effort to rebalance the relationship. Even in simply showing that you are willing to make an effort to make your relationships and exchanges win-win can help you go very far with highvalue people. Now, do you remember the random stranger who tweeted Lucio, “Direct message me, I have a question on a recent article you wrote”? He was in social overdraft because he was looking to take Lucio’s time and personalized advice without giving any value back. So, how could he have offered a better exchange? A compliment, when well-executed, can be an easy first step to help make up the difference. Then, he could have put in a little effort to also show his willingness to give. For example, he could have said, “Hey man, your article was so insightful! I already shared it with some friends. There is just this one thing I’m not sure about.” Had he done that, Lucio might have actually answered him. Now, since we’re on the topic of low-value people stuck at the bottom, let’s discuss the profile of value-takers so you know what behaviors and attitudes to avoid—both in yourself and in others. VA LU E -TA K E R S : P R O F I L I N G

There are countless ways of being a value-taker. Some of them include: –

–

–

Nasty Social Climbers. Trying to climb status and power hierarchies is normal, but the value-taking social climbers do so by pushing others down. Complainers. Complainers are actually not value-taking to other complainers (as the old saying goes, “Misery loves company”), but they are value-taking with the driven go-getters of this world. Nervousness and Insecurity. Emotional states are contagious, so nervous people make for poor social interactions.

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– – –

Party Poopers/Mood Dampeners. They take value by making people sadder. Braggarts/Status Inflators. We like people who make us feel important, not those who are out to make themselves feel important. The Socially Oblivious. These individuals have no idea how social and power dynamics work, whether it’s basic or advanced (one example below).

It’s dangerous to be any of these types of value-takers with high-value people if you want to go far in life. Here’s how value-takers can reveal themselves as such to others. They’ll ask something like, “Hey, can you leave me a good review?” The high-value person will think, “How about you earn your good review by giving great value? I’m an honest reviewer; don’t corner me into this and take my power and freedom away.” Or, as another example, they’ll say, “When are you free for a coffee? I’d love to pick your brain on that business I want to start.” The high-value person will think, “If I hear ‘pick your brain’ one more time, I’m gonna lose it. Why would I want to sit around for a coffee and expend effort to explain things, while you take as much value as you can from me without giving?” Notice that these are requests for value from people with no social capital. It’d be different if they had a previous history as friends, or if they had just done favors for these high-value people. In that case, their past history would justify their requests (because of favors that earned them social credits in the past that they’re now cashing in). What makes the people in each of these examples takers is that they have no social capital. On top of that, they’re making no effort to give anything back or communicate that they’d give back in the future. Just a little fix could make the exchange more balanced and move you closer to getting the “yes” you’re looking for. For example, if you’re a high-value

T H E S O C I A L S T R A T E G I S T  23

individual receiving one of these requests, and I was the guy who wanted to “pick your brain,” instead I could simply invite you to lunch. Here’s the difference. “I want to pick your brain” communicates, “I want you to give me your time and sit there and answer all of my questions while I give you nothing.” Lunch is better than coffee, because you usually grab coffee in the morning. Asking to grab coffee communicates, “In the middle of the day, right when you’re probably working, let’s go out and have a casual conversation while I ask you a ton of questions. And, just in case I decide to pay, it’ll be cheap for me (that’s probably what your input is worth, anyway).” It would be far more effective for me to say, “I want to exchange ideas with you,” because that communicates that you’ll be sharing ideas with me, and I’ll be sharing ideas with you in return as well. You’ll be getting something out of it, which makes it more of a win for you.22 Plus, lunch is more valuable than a cheap coffee. It’s still only a small token given the person is a highvalue and financially well-off individual. But, far more than the monetary value of the lunch, it shows that, as the inviter, I understand the importance of making my relationships and exchanges win-win, including my relationship and exchanges with you. So, in going from a cheap coffee to buying you lunch, it shows I’m the type of value-giving individual who respects your time and knowledge. This is the “What’s In It For Them” (WIIFT) approach to social relationships, and it’s one of the most important mindset shifts in life.

That value you can ask for back can be anything, so long as it’s equal to the value you gave so you’re still creating a fair, balanced, win-win exchange. In your negotiations for a relationship, this is the most crucial rule to understand. As far as what to do from here, your most important real-life applications from the social exchange are to:23 1. Focus on what you bring to the table. Make this your number one rule for social exchanges. 2. Focus on what they bring to the table. As much as you want to bring value, you also want to associate with other value-givers (and avoid the value-takers). 3. Ask yourself if the relationship is balanced. Seek to have balanced relationships, as they are stronger and happier. Imbalanced relationships often hide an element of emotional manipulation. 4. Cut out the takers. You no longer have any space for them in your life. 5. Stick with the value-giving collaborators. You can recognize good collaborators because they want to give back. One of our Power University24 alumni says that good collaborators feel bad being in debt and seek to give back. They might also refuse a favor if they feel it’s “too much.” 6. Maintain the win-win. Win-win people and partners are social treasures. Tend to these people, and keep these relationships. To recap fully, here’s what we covered in this chapter.

Now, to bring it all back around, the most important takeaway for this chapter is: “The more value you give, the more value you can ask for back.”

22

Lucio notes to be careful with this one. It works if—and only if—you’ve already worked on yourself to a level where you can chip in some good ideas. Otherwise, this can come across as a power move from someone who’s faking being higher value than they really are (which is called a “status inflater”). And it would be an example of manipulative, value-taking behavior because you’re setting up a win-lose exchange by pretending to give.

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•

23

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Everything in life is a negotiation, including your negotiations for a relationship.

Lucio Buffalmano, “How the Social Exchange Theory Can Get You the Network of Your Dreams (Part 1 of 2),” The Clever Connector, January 5, 2022, https:// thecleverconnector.com/social-exchange-theory-part-one/. You can get a free preview of the course this book is based on, Power University, at The Power Moves: https://thepowermoves.com/courses/power-university/lessons/poweruniversity-welcome-lesson/

T H E S O C I A L S T R A T E G I S T  25

• • •

•

•

You negotiate relationships with more than your words but how you present yourself to others. Present yourself to others as the type of person who makes their life better by presenting yourself as a value-giving individual. The more value you give, the more social capital you can build. The more social capital you have with someone, the more influence, goodwill, and leverage you also have with that person. This allows you to ask for something back (if you want to) and they will be far more likely to give it to you. To reveal your “harder to see” deeper layer social currencies, you need advanced social skills. With advanced social skills, you can effectively show the value you have to offer and increase the chances that others will want to build a relationship with you. To become a higher-value individual, follow the basic laws of the social exchange, the real-life applications from the social exchange, and the action steps that follow.

Keep in mind that if you don’t understand everything we just went over right away, that’s completely OK! It took both Lucio and me years to learn these advanced social skills—but they are achievable for anyone who is willing to invest the time and effort to develop them. The more time and energy you’re willing to invest into practice, the less time it will take for you. And, when you reach that light at the end of the tunnel of this journey, it will all be well worth it in the end. Now, to make sure you apply the information in this chapter effectively, follow the action steps below. They’re practical, well-tested, and geared toward making sure you get as much benefit from this chapter as possible.25 Action Steps:26

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26

You can get more information about the social exchange at The Clever Connector website: https://thecleverconnector.com/social-exchange-theory-part-one/. You can get a free, in-depth guide to the best strategies, techniques, and mindsets for social exchanges at The Clever Connector website: https://thecleverconnector.com/ social-exchange-theory-part-two/.

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#1. Review your network for who’s high value and who’s low value. If you’re the highest value person in your network, you’re doing it wrong. Generally speaking, look for people who are higher value than you to learn from and grow with, and find a way to give back to them so they’ll want to associate with you. Who can you approach, and what can you give them? Find ways to give them value, write those ways down, and then try delivering that value. #2. Review your relationships for who’s giving and taking. Stop for a minute to consider how this information applies to your life. First, think about your relationships that did not go well or about the relationships you wanted but didn’t manage to develop. Was there a mismatch in value or a mismatch in giving and taking? Now, think about your current relationships. Who are the collaborators in your life? Those are your win-win opportunities. Tend to those relationships. Are there givers in your life? And are you giving enough back? If you don’t, they may feel spurned and taken advantage of, and they may pull back. Watch out for that, and consider giving more. Are there any takers in your life? Can you demand more back, maybe with more assertive communication (which you’ll see more of in the next chapter)? If not, can you consider cutting them out of your life? Write it all down and start balancing or ending your relationships accordingly. #3. Switch to a “What’s In It For Them” (WIIFT) mindset. The easiest way to increase your social efficacy is to avoid just asking for stuff but to instead approach social exchanges with the mindset of, “What can I do for or offer to others?” Then, present your offer in a way that appeals to their self-interests.

T H E S O C I A L S T R A T E G I S T  27

When you adopt this mindset, you automatically think and talk more persuasively.

wanted to stand up to people who are disrespectful toward you or prevent yourself from being taken advantage of, this next chapter is for you.

It’s a foundational, basic mindset. And yet, countless people constantly stumble with it.

More than how you can be more assertive, we’ll also go over the mindset you need to surgically remove to optimize your assertiveness, how assertiveness can raise your status by making you look like a high-value individual, and why being strategically aggressive and/or submissive is sometimes better than being consistently assertive.

Whenever you enter a social exchange, think, “What can I give to make this more of a win for them?” until looking for ways to give value is your habit of thinking. #4. Start viewing your social exchanges strategically. For example, this is what Lucio says in one of his lessons in Power University: Keep some value “undelivered,” and only then make your ask. The reason is that if you give away all your value at once, then you lose the leverage of being able to give them more value later. Depending on the situation, this can look like choosing to pay for a service in installments rather than giving the seller all the money they want right away in a one-time payment. If you empty out your value jar and have nothing left to give, you will lose leverage because people have already gotten everything from you. So, what’s their incentive to give back or treat you well? Sure, some people are honest, and might even appreciate your attitude, but, whenever you’re dealing with someone for the first time—and especially if it’s a one-off exchange and/or you have no particular reason to trust them yet— it’s a better strategy not to give away all of your value at once. So, instead of giving everything, only give a part of the value you have to offer, use it to showcase the value you can add to them, and then ask for something back. In the next chapter, we’ll be going beyond social exchanges and talk more about a communication skill that ensures your relationships with others are built on a two-way street of fairness and respect—assertiveness. If you ever

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T H E S O C I A L S T R A T E G I S T  29

avoided all of the downsides of being passive. It seemed like the perfect way to prevent people from walking all over you while also avoiding the potential drawbacks of being an aggressive communicator.

CHAPTER 2

When I first got into networking, I made a lot of mistakes. One I remember particularly well was with a favorite LinkedIn connection of mine, who we’ll call April.

THE NUMBER ONE QUALITY TO GAIN RESPECT AND FAIRNESS

April was one of the most value-giving contacts in my network—not only because of her high-status but because of our rapport and friendship. At the time of our connection, April was the president at the Pan African Chamber of Commerce. Being a giving high-value person herself, she would share that value with me whenever she figured it made sense for the both of us.

In the last chapter, we went over the social exchange and how positioning yourself as a value-giver who aims for balanced, win-win relationships helps you build relationships with the high-value individuals who can help you reach more success. The social exchange is important to make sure others don’t view you as a taker and isolate you for it. Its principles apply across all facets of your social life, including your social interactions in dating, business, and your career. So, it’s very important that you take action on the last chapter’s action steps before continuing onto this one.

“To be passive is to let others decide for you. To be aggressive is to decide for others. To be assertive is to decide for yourself.” —Edith Eva Eger

I used to think that assertiveness was the communication style that was always best. I thought it meant that you had the confidence to be direct and that it

30

On one occasion, she invited me to sit on the Corporate Alliance Panel with her, alongside big-name execs, more high-status government officials, TEDx organizers, influential entrepreneurs, and so on. Not long after that invitation, she offered to nominate me for the 30 Under 30 Change Maker Award. But, one day, she pulled what felt like a power move on me (we’ll get into the specifics of what a power move is later). We agreed on a date and time for our meeting, she made me wait, and then she didn’t show up. I had a few options on how I could handle this. I could be passive and accept that behavior, passive-aggressive and consider making a sarcastic or sly comment, or I could be aggressive and yell at her. Instead, I chose to be assertive. I was direct, open, and honest about my feelings. I said, “April, when we agreed on a date and time for our meeting and you made me wait, then didn’t show up, it felt disrespectful and it felt unfair. So, if we’re going to set another time to meet, I would prefer if you gave me a heads up whether or not you’re going to show moving forward. If you do that, I think we’ll get along better and have a better relationship.” In response, she disconnected from me and left my network. Why is that? And, if assertiveness was wrong, what was the right choice?

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Like I said, I used to think assertiveness was always the best communication style to go for. Now I know that assertiveness must be calibrated to the person and the situation. Otherwise, you risk coming across as overly-assertive even when you’re using the same level of assertiveness that works for you in 90 percent of situations. In this case, April had given me lots of value and, in return, I had given her lots of praise and gratitude because, at the time, I didn’t have much else to give her yet. But, she saw my potential and my willingness to give back in the future, so she chose to keep on giving. Still, I hadn’t given anything back yet. So, since she was giving more value in the relationship than I was, the relationship was imbalanced. She felt like I had to help make up for that difference by accepting her terms and working around her times when it came to our meetings (something I didn’t know at the time).

communication skills that will improve your personal and professional relationships without having to spend too much time learning from your early falls or weeding through the hundreds of communication skills books out there in the world. So, with that said, we’ll move back to Lucio’s wisdom, and we’ll start with what “assertiveness” is. W H AT I S A S S E R T I V E N E S S ?

Assertiveness is defined in many different ways, but we believe in an assertiveness that supports emotional independence, personal empowerment, and a win-win relationship. So, assertiveness defined within those three elements is:

That’s why assertiveness was the wrong choice, here. By being passive and letting things go, I could’ve kept the relationship alive while leaving the door open to be more assertive later on after I’d rebalanced the relationship. This is all the more reason to make sure that you have at least a minimum understanding of the social exchange from the last chapter before you continue on to this one, where you’ll learn more advanced social skills such as high-level communication strategies. Now, as much of a loss as that might have been for me (and at that time, it hurt to lose a contact, but hurt even more to lose someone I considered a friend), it was also a huge gain. My biggest failures are my biggest learning opportunities to grow into the kind of person who can make his best better and advance his purpose by sharing stories like this one with you. I’m a firm believer in learning from your failures as well as the failures of others, so it’s only fair that I share my failures with you so you can learn from them as well (and, hopefully, failures like them). Luckily for you, you don’t need to learn everything about advanced social skills from mistakes. With this book, you’ve found a full guide for practical

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“To state your needs, wants, feelings, and opinions clearly and directly, to respect yourself as well as others, and to influence the world around you, including other people, to reach certain goals.”27

Here is a visual chart of the different styles of communication adapted from Randy Paterson:28

27

28

Lucio Buffalmano, “How to Be Assertive,” The Power Moves, June 16, 2021, https://thepowermoves.com/courses/power-university/lessons/assertiveness/topic/ how-to-be-assertive/#INTRO. Lucio Buffalmano, “The Assertiveness Workbook: Notes & Review,” The Power Moves, November 22, 2020, https://thepowermoves.com/the-assertiveness-workbook/.

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For example, this is why when lottery ticket winners find out they have the winning numbers, they often keep it a secret even when they haven’t picked up their money yet. In simply being someone who’s going to acquire more value in the future, they’re automatically higher-value. If they reveal their secret win with everyone, it won’t be long before value-takers are banging on their door begging for favors. So, assertives are often viewed as having the potential to acquire more value in the future because of their perceived go-getter attitude and strength of character. That makes them higher-value than, for example, the passive types who seem to find it impossible to do what needs to be done, even when that’s simply saying “no” to prevent possible abuse. That leads many people to feel that building a relationship with an assertive type of person is a win for them. Plus, since assertive individuals don’t overpower others (like aggressive individuals often do), they also tend to develop stronger long-term relationships.

Even though assertiveness is sometimes described as a “communication style,” personally, I prefer a larger definition, with assertiveness being “an interpersonal approach to relating with others.”

The main takeaway here is that assertives can develop win-win relationships better than anyone else can, in part because they come across as high-value individuals. Assertives are perceived as having a well-developed strength of character. That type of character is valuable in itself, as it’s a “deeper layer” quality that’s a valuable social currency. Plus, assertives are more likely to acquire even more value in the future, so people want to associate with them.

Being “assertive” and being “high-value” overlap. Many people who master assertion tend to come across as more confident, higher-value, and as generally more driven individuals with the strength of character to get things done.29

Now, as much as assertiveness has its benefits, there is also a time and place to strategically use the other communication styles, as you saw from my story with April. The time to use the other communication styles is when the pros of using those styles outweigh the cons.

That’s why being assertive and being high-value are so closely intertwined. A person’s value is determined by more than the value they currently have, but also by their potential to acquire more value in the future.

These moments are the exceptions, but for a true social strategist, they’re essential to know.

29

Lucio Buffalmano, “How to Be Assertive,” The Power Moves, June 16, 2021, https://thepowermoves.com/courses/power-university/lessons/assertiveness/topic/ how-to-be-assertive/#Assertive.

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T H E S O C I A L S T R A T E G I S T  35

T H E P R O S , C O N S , A N D S T R AT E G I E S O F PA S S I V E N E S S

These are the strategic uses for being passive:30 1. To stay alive This is the most obvious one. The main reason why submission and passive communication evolved in the first place is because they saved lives. And, even today, in certain situations, it pays to keep a low profile, do as you’re told, and, if needed, display submissive signals in order to stay alive. Of course, we’d never recommend spending a life submitting to others and always doing as you’re told when it holds you back from flourishing. This is not the book for those who only want to “survive.” That said, submission can still be an impalatable, yet effective temporary solution until you gain enough power to stand up for yourself and/or walk away. 2. To save your time and energy Letting someone else lead you and/or your group can save you time and resources. Taking the lead can be a hustle, and since it’s not very often that you can make everybody happy, you have to deal with the usual complainers who express dissatisfaction about this or that. Plus, once you become the leader, you also take on responsibility, and you can’t always just freely bail. That’s why, depending on the situation, Lucio sometimes likes to sit back in groups, let someone else take the helm, and act more as a “facilitator,” advisor,

or second-third in command (up until he doesn’t want to follow along anymore and simply exits). Generally speaking, being near the top of the pecking order gives you almost the same power as the leader, with a lot more freedom. 3. To finish first and win at dating as a woman Some people might not like hearing this, but in dating, female submission tends to arouse more male interest than female assertiveness. Women who can selectively send out submissive signals get more men chasing them for a short-term relationship, as well as more long-term providers to choose from. 4. To approach risk-averse women in high-risk settings as a man Imagine a woman is walking in a dimly lit street at night, or she’s waiting for a night bus around lots of drunk guys. Or, she’s looking for her car in a rundown parking lot. In any of these cases, a smart man will make sure to send out strong and obvious friendly signals. Friendly signals overlap with submissiveness, since they say, “I’m not here to dominate you. I’m a friendly guy.” Going in too dominantly or aggressively can make her recoil in fear, and he’d start off on the wrong foot. So, it’s better to go in very friendly, and, once she knows it’s all good, you can switch gears and get back to your usual highpower self (we’ll talk more about being high-power in the next chapter). The same holds true for men who look more “dangerous,” or imposing, either because of their physical size or because of how they look. 5. To rebalance your relationship after you’ve wronged someone When you’ve wronged or hurt someone, you’ve taken value from them.

30

Lucio Buffalmano, “Passive/Submissive. Pros, Cons & Strategies,” The Power Moves, June 16, 2021, https://thepowermoves.com/courses/power-university/lessons/assertiveness/ topic/passive-submissive-pros-cons-strategies/#The_Strategic_Uses_Of_Submission.

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T H E S O C I A L S T R A T E G I S T  37

You’re in a win-lose exchange where you “won” because you demonstrated you have the power to hurt the other party while they lost because they were disempowered and suffered from your actions. Since a fundamental part of successfully negotiating for relationships is making sure your relationships are balanced, it’s sometimes a good idea to not only say sorry but to “make them whole” again and re-empower them. Since words are cheap, one way of doing that is to willingly grant them the power to do something value-taking to you. That will balance out the previous win-lose situation in which you took value from them. David J. Lieberman, award-winning author and leader in the fields of human behavior and interpersonal relationships, correctly points out that if you hurt someone, a “sorry” might not be enough. Lieberman says that the quickest— and the deepest—way to mend the relationship is to give them the power to punish you instead (since you’ve already shown your power to punish them).

6. To help you avoid punishment when you’re out of options This is a more strategic subset of the “submission to save lives” approach. In some cases, a (sneaky) way of avoiding punishment is by strategically playing the role of an incompetent, clueless idiot. This can be most useful when you have no leverage whatsoever and the costs of the punishments would be huge (if the costs are not huge, you can just take it in stride). Here’s an example from Lucio. A friend of mine got a call from the finance office for tax return misrepresentation, a potential criminal offense if prosecuted. My friend had (stupidly) “tried his hand,” and he knew he was guilty. While some advised him to contact a lawyer, my friend showed up in the office with broken local language, saying it was the first time

Of course, we’re not talking about anything crazy here. You’re not handing them a loaded gun and saying “shoot,” but the concept of giving them power over you still holds.

he had tried to file his own tax returns, which was true, and playing the “sorry I messed this up” role. He then asked, “OK, what should I do now?” Asking “what should I

For example, you can give them power back by accompanying your big heartfelt “sorry” with a lowering of your head and asking them if they can forgive you.

do now” is asking the officer to take the lead in directing his behavior, which is submitting to his power and authority. The tax officer admonished him to be careful because that mistake

That gives them the power to decide whether you get forgiveness or not. That power position of choosing whether or not to forgive you can be enough to rebalance the relationship. You can even let them get angry at you without defending or asserting yourself while telling them “you’re right.” If you pull this move well, many people won’t even want to get angry or punish you—and it’s a great test to assess their character, by the way. Giving people power back is the behavior of someone with good character, and people like having other people with good character in their lives.

could be a criminal offense. My friend acted with restrained shock and muttered it was probably the last time he would file his own tax returns (a nice move). Then they fixed the mistake together, the tax officer explaining in the teacher role and my friend playing the ignorant student (a subservient position). The result? He got away scot-free. Now, I don’t necessarily recommend you try to use submissive behavior to break the law or to avoid punishment, but this is an example of how submission most likely worked better than any of the more dominant alternatives.

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If my friend had shown up with an attitude (or with a lawyer), chances are that the situation would have escalated.

When attacking and guilt-tripping alternate in waves, we’re sometimes in codependent relationships. These are poor and toxic relationships, so we don’t recommend you adopt any similar tactics for long-term relationships.

7. To appease someone Back to us. This is similar to the above two points. Submissive body language gives away power, and, sometimes, you might want exactly that. Why so? Because people feel good about getting that power. It can be a great strategy to give power to someone who already has power over you, since you’re not actually losing anything, but you’re improving your odds by making them feel good. In short, submitting to someone who already has total power over you can sometimes improve your situation. After all, they already can do anything they want to you, so trying to make them feel good may be your only strategy to improve your lot. I know, it’s not our favorite strategy here, but it can work. For example, imagine you messed up big time or you harmed someone, and now you’re in a court of law. If you maintain a dominant pose, you’d be showing an unrepentant attitude, and judges always go down harder on unrepentant convicts.

9. To signal appreciation or respect Some cultures use submissive body language as a “thank you” or a sign of appreciation. If someone holds the door open for you or gives you directions to go somewhere, you can say “thank you” and bow your head slightly. In a different context, bowing could be a sign of submission, but a slight bow as a “thank you” can simply be a symbol of a polite and prosocial attitude. 10. To keep the support coming Signs of deference are, in good part, signs of submission. Signs of deference, such as the bowing we mentioned above, make people feel good because they sub-communicate, “You have power and high status, and I acknowledge and respect that.” That makes people feel valued and powerful around you, which in turn often makes them willing to help you and support you. When do you use this approach? Well, for example, with a high-power mentor.

8. To use as a tool of control Yes, submission can also be a tool of control. Pleading, begging, guilt-tripping, pouting, crying…They are all submissive expressions that can work wonders to make people act the way the “submissive” manipulator wants. It would be wrong to think that the aggressive party always controls a relationship.

When you’re a beginner with a mentor who is very high up, carrying a dominant attitude with them can be off-putting. But, showing submissiveness with deference and friendly signals—and even with allowing them to take a full teacher role over you—makes them feel more comfortable and valued as your mentor. So, there are strategic uses for submission. Still though, the rule of thumb is that you want to avoid sending too many submission signals unless you are doing it on purpose and for a specific purpose.

Sometimes the passive type controls the aggressive one with guilt-tripping and an attitude of “look what you did to poor me.” 40 L U C I O B U F F A L M A N O A N D A L I S C A R L E T T

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Generally speaking, submissiveness is always poor when it’s not a strategic choice but the consequence of a lack of capability to defend one’s needs and rights.

Well, she won’t stop yelling, so assertiveness is clearly not working at that point. If you want to put a stop to it, matching aggression with aggression often proves a far better alternative.

In short, submission is bad when you do it because you lack the capability for assertion. That makes you come across as low-value and weak, and people can hardly see a relationship with a low-value, weak individual as a win-win.

Notice that it’s not about showing aggression, per se. It’s more that by matching your attacker’s level of aggression, you communicate that you are not a submissive punching bag who’s incapable of defending themselves and drawing their boundaries.

So, your main takeaway here is that, overall, when you’re overly submissive, the “advantages” (the pros) of a submissive life pale in comparison to the disadvantages (the cons). T H E P R O S , C O N S , A N D S T R AT E G I E S O F A G G R E S S I O N

When you can show that you’re not weak, you also show that you’re worthy of fair treatment and respectful communication. 2. To instill fear

Let’s move beyond the yin of submissiveness and more toward the yang— aggression.

Assertiveness gives you respect, but not so much fear. It’s aggression that can make people fear you.

Most people know that being aggressive often leads to social isolation, but exceptions do apply. As we said before, there are strategic cases where the pros of using aggression outweigh the cons.

Attention though: getting people to fear you doesn’t necessarily show them you’re high-value, and, even less, it doesn’t show you have the best character (which also impacts your overall value). Crazy individuals and homeless people often stir up fears in others, but that fear only serves to keep them isolated and at the bottom of society.

For example: 1. To deal with other people’s aggression Remaining assertive in response to a continuous onslaught of aggression won’t always work. Furthermore, it can make you seem weak. In that case, meeting aggression with aggression can help stop the aggression by using something called the “pacing and leading technique.” First, you meet them at their level (which is pacing) by showing them that you can play the aggression game too. Then, you move to a healthier, more respectful, and more productive tone (which is leading them to join you in this new level of conversation). Imagine your girlfriend yells at you for ten minutes straight, in spite of you assertively telling her you feel demeaned, that she’s being rude, and that you won’t listen until she speaks to you respectfully.

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Power University shows that this is a technique some people use in the workplace. These “difficult” folks are rude and aggressive in order to acquire some scrap of independence and to be left alone, but they are also often left alone at the bottom of the hierarchy. You don’t want to be one of them. As psychologist and author, Randy Paterson, says:

“(People) may make fewer demands, though they will also make fewer pleasant invitations, and if you were more assertive, you could deal with their unpleasant demands confidently.”

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3. To use as a weapon of last resort If you tried everything and failed, but you still want to give it a last shot, going from assertive to aggressive might help you reach your goal, in some cases. Even if you still fail, at the very least, you can say that you tried all your options. 4. To win arguments by steamrolling Dominance can push people into submitting, conceding, or defending.

It consists of bursts of aggression followed by communication that’s lower on the “aggression scale” such as assertiveness or even kinder behavior. It serves to assert dominance without completely breaking rapport—and, it might even increase rapport, in some cases. Experienced or manipulative negotiators can use bursts of aggression to (subtly) dominate their opponents. When their opponents feel dominated, they are more likely to submit to the aggressor. Obviously, we don’t recommend this technique as your go-to approach because of the moral and ethical concerns.

Keep this in mind because it’s important: When people stop arguing back and/or when they start defending, they can often look wrong or guilty by behavior rather than by logic and facts. Donald Trump won the 2016 U.S. presidency in good part thanks to this technique. The 2016 presidential debates present many examples in which Trump’s aggression allowed him to curtail Clinton’s speaking time and push her on the defensive. From a political point of view, it looked like Trump was the embodiment of the angry citizen grilling an ineffective, crooked politician. Unfortunately for Clinton, her failure to defend her speaking time made her look powerless (and people don’t want powerless leaders). Her justifications throughout their debates also served to confirm the impression that she was “guilty” for being a fat-cat, useless politician.

6. To more quickly regain power and respect with an aggressive display of force If people have, for a long time, treated you like a low-value individual, it might take a long time of showing assertive behavior before you can gain their respect. In those cases, a stronger display of power through bursts of controlled aggression can win you the respect and fair treatment that you deserve more quickly. 7. To use as a shortcut for status This is somewhat similar to the point above. Generally speaking, aggression can be helpful in acquiring status in more specific and limited environments, such as prisons and gangs.

Keep in mind, however, that it’s often best to balance your dominance with friendliness (you’ll learn more about strategic friendliness in the next chapter).

Even there, though, aggression should still be limited and targeted. Constant aggression makes you a loose cannon with little support, and friends and allies matter a lot in those environments.

5. In bursts, to show dominance and control the situation without breaking rapport

8. To succeed in a sport that rewards it

The Power Moves (TPM) calls this dominance technique the “aggressive push-pull.”

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In some sports, a lot of channeled aggression can help make up for a lack of talent.

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Even here though, we must add a caveat. The aggression that makes you great at sports is not violent aggression. That will get you kicked out pretty quickly, leaving your team one player down.

To start, you need to know what assertion entails. Assertion includes: •

It’s more of a constant, controlled anger simmering beneath the surface, channeled into doing anything possible to win.

– –

9. To provide good feelings

–

Aggression can make you feel strong. And, it can make you feel good for exacting revenge on someone who slighted you in the past.

–

But, if you are only being aggressive because it makes you feel strong, you probably need to change mindsets. That type of aggression might make you feel powerful inside, but it is actually making you look weak in reality. There are times and places for aggression, but don’t confuse aggression with power. If there is one thing the vast majority of the authors on this subject agree on, it’s that aggression ultimately hurts how others view you in the long run. That’s not good for our goals of a successful and happy life. Generally speaking, aggression breeds more aggression. And that, among a slew of other issues, creates a lot of enemies. So, as a rule of thumb—and this is especially true in our modern world—constant aggression erodes your ability to get what you want in life. Your takeaway here should be that while submission and aggressiveness have potential benefits, neither should be used all the time. The truth is, assertiveness is the best choice for social effectiveness. It has the highest chance of making friends, winning allies, and recruiting mentors into your life. Assertive people also come across as more confident, more powerful, and as productive go-getters driven to get things done. As a result, assertive people are perceived as being high-value individuals. With the strategic exceptions of when to use the other communication styles out of the way, here’s how to be assertive.

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Boundaries: Having, maintaining, and enforcing personal boundaries of:

• • •

Basic Respect: Expecting and demanding respectful behavior Privacy: Declining to answer or discuss questions and topics you’re not comfortable with Time: Choosing what to do and when to do things, rejecting tasks you have no time for Personal Freedoms: Maintaining freedom of choice, of holding different opinions, and so on

Timely and honest communication: Includes the communication of wants, needs, emotions, feelings, goals, and boundaries Expecting and encouraging honest and direct communication Standing behind one’s choices, opinions, and feelings

To develop the ability to be assertive enough to hit these major points, you need to start where all behavior starts…in the mind. OVERCOMING LIMITING BELIEFS

Some beliefs that might be holding you back from reaching assertiveness include:31 1. “Dark” feelings such as anger and a will to power are bad to feel and show. When people hold this belief, they deny their anger, disappointment, or resentment with words but then act them out—perhaps subconsciously— with actions and body language. That makes them come across as hypocrites.

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Lucio Buffalmano, “How to Be Assertive,” The Power Moves, June 16, 2021, https://thepowermoves.com/courses/power-university/lessons/assertiveness/topic/ how-to-be-assertive/#Overcoming_poor_beliefs.

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2. Assertiveness means getting your own way all the time.

7. I would have to convince others to agree with me.

No, that’s aggression. Assertiveness is meant to put you on an equal footing with other people.

When you hold this belief, you either never start sharing your opinion, or you get angry when you cannot change other people’s minds.

3. Being assertive means being selfish.

You can always seek to persuade others, but you never “have” to.

No, being assertive means being fair and high-value.

Again, this goes back to basic mindsets and beliefs.32

4. Other people can’t handle my assertiveness.

8. I must look good, strong, and happy all the time.

That’s actually demeaning to think of others as weak.

This belief leads to all kinds of games to “conceal” your emotions in order to look better to others.

A better belief is, “Many people, especially other people with good character, actually love to deal with someone who is frank and honest.” If someone finds your assertiveness to be “too much,” you can still always recalibrate and reduce the intensity with them later on. 5. People should be more considerate without me having to act assertively. “Shoulds” are usually weak positions to be in. What does it change to think about what someone should or should not do? Act based on what they actually do and based on what you want. When you hold this belief, you either won’t speak up because they “should” know, or you will yell at them because they “should” know better and you feel like you have to set them straight.

Some women hold back their anger because it’s not feminine, and many men feel it’s not OK to cry, to admit their personal struggles, or to request help (especially emotional help). So, they deny their true feelings and unproductively use aggression or hidden forms of aggression to meet their needs. This is a warning. We’re not saying to “parade your weaknesses,” wallow in self-pity, or “always be vulnerable.” We’re saying that you might gain more from being more open with others, and especially from being more open with yourself. Then, knowing what, when, and how to show your feelings becomes a more strategic decision, but it must start with that honest self-awareness. BELIEFS OF ASSERTIVENESS

Now, these are the positive beliefs you want to install:33

6. I’m afraid of being assertive and failing.

1. I am worthy of respectful behavior and communication, and so are others.

You will fail. And that’s great.

If you’re not treated respectfully, you have the right to speak up or take action.

A fear of failure is associated with a belief you can’t improve and is a textbook trait of fragile egos.

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Instead, choose to believe that your failures are your best opportunities to learn and grow into the kind of person who can achieve the success they want.

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Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) helps with this one. You can get a free, in-depth guide on what it is and how to apply it at The Power Moves website: https:// thepowermoves.com/how-to-stubbornly-refuse-to-make-yourself-miserable/. Lucio Buffalmano, “How to Be Assertive,” The Power Moves, June 16, 2021, https://thepowermoves.com/courses/power-university/lessons/assertiveness/topic/ how-to-be-assertive/#Beliefs_of_assertiveness. T H E S O C I A L S T R A T E G I S T  49

2. I’m in charge of my behavior, and others are in charge of theirs.

8. I can ask for help or emotional support.

This is the central belief of assertiveness. It takes the pressure off of assertive communication because you’re not forcing anyone into anything; you’re simply stating your position.

This is about the “emotional assertiveness” men tend to struggle the most with.

3. I decide for myself what I will and will not do. A core foundation for assertiveness is refusing to let others impose their feelings and beliefs onto you of what you should and should not do. 4. People can ask me whatever they want, and I can decline whatever they ask because this is my life. Attention: If you feel guilty for declining someone’s request, you either don’t fully believe you’re free to decline requests or you need to learn how to do it more considerately and/or strategically (more on that later). 5. I make mistakes, but that doesn’t give others the right to control my life. This is a common pitfall for many. Some people can be assertive but turn passive when they make a mistake. It’s because they feel that a mistake makes them “not good enough,” and that gives others the right to treat them poorly.

9. I am not responsible for other people’s problems. This protects you against emotional manipulation (it’s especially effective against guilt-tripping). 10. Others can give me advice, but they don’t make my decisions. You can accept feedback and advice from others, even when it’s negative. But, ultimately, you make your own decisions. 11. I am my own judge; I don’t have to justify myself to others. Aggressive communicators will often try to make you justify or defend yourself with phrases like, “Why did you do it that way?” or “What makes you even think that?!” The implication of these questions is that if you cannot come up with a good enough reason (or justification), then you must concede to them, admit you’re wrong, apologize, and go along with their wishes.

Instead, believe that making mistakes is normal, is a part of life, and, bar nuclear-level mistakes, doesn’t give anyone the right to demean you.

If you miss this sub-communicated message, you automatically appoint them as the judge of your actions and thoughts, and you give all of your freedom away.

6. I can be illogical with my boundaries.

Luckily, now you know better.

Manipulators and bullies love to make it look like you’re being “illogical” or “irrational.” As long as you believe that you must be logical to enforce your boundaries and decisions, they will find fertile ground.

The stance of the empowered, assertive social strategist is that, as long as you remain within the law and your own moral code, you are free to do and say as you please, and you don’t need to justify your actions.

Instead, avoid the argument altogether. Your boundaries are valid for the simple fact that you chose them.

Moving on from the beliefs and more towards the actual techniques, let’s talk about assertive communication itself.

7. I don’t know everything, nor should I. This frees you from having to have an answer or a reason for everything you do.

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A S S E R T I V E C O M M U N I C AT I O N

An infographic overview:

So, the first assertiveness framework you can use to communicate while hitting all three of these communication points is the “DESOE” framework (pronounced “dee·so”). The goal of “DESOE” is to share your view of the situation, state your opinion, make your request, state the outcome, and reinforce as needed. DESOE stands for: D (Describe): Define the situation and what’s going on. For example, saying, “I noticed that the kitchen hasn’t been cleaned,” or “It’s me who takes out the trash most of the time.” If you are describing someone else’s behavior, focus on the behavior, and avoid personality and motives. Personality and motivation are open to debate, but, behavior is fact-based, which puts you in a stronger position to hold your views. Non behavior-based frames like “you’re lazy and didn’t clean the kitchen” or “you are trying to make me do all the work here” can escalate and sidetrack the conversation away from your goals. E (Express): State how you feel in the situation.

As you can see from the infographic, while the passive communicators avoid communication, assertive individuals speak up. But, unlike aggressive communicators, they make sure to speak in a way that is both self-respecting and respectful of others. They speak: 1. Early: To avoid “stewing” 2. Directly: Clearly stating their needs and want 3. Respectfully: With consideration for others

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For example, “I feel like I’m doing more than half of the housework around here.” This can feel like an understatement if you think they’re a leech, but you usually get better results with this approach. As a side note, be careful with overusing this “I feel” format in high-efficiency environments such as workplaces, where results can take precedence over human relationships. Generally speaking, “I feel” is better used with friends, family, and close personal relationships.

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S (Specify): Describe what you would like to happen. For example, “I would like you to also take the trash out a couple of times a week or whenever you see it’s full and are on your way out.” When you ask for changes to happen, focus on the behavior you’d like to see. Avoid telling people how they should become or how they should feel. Especially poor from a persuasion point of view are sentences like “stop being so stubborn.” One, because they attack the person, and two, because they use a negative sentence structure. Negative sentence structure focuses more on what you don’t want. Positive sentence structure focuses more on what you do want. Always do your best to use positive sentence structure. Rare exceptions apply, for example, if you willingly want to jolt someone. But, the general rule is that the more positive your communication is, the more positive your outcome will likely be. And, to address specific behavior, “I would like you to take out the trash two times a week” is better than “I don’t want you to be so inconsiderate.” O (Outcome): Describe what happens if they go along with your wishes and, potentially, what happens if they don’t. For example, “I’ll appreciate that a lot, and I think we’ll get along much better.” The outcomes can be rewards or consequences for not following through with your request. But, as in the example above, it can also be simple statements about you feeling better or the relationship improving. Same as before, do your best to frame the outcomes positively. Even if you want to add a negative consequence, instead of saying, “If you don’t throw the trash out, I won’t do my part of the cleaning,” say, “And, once you start contributing by taking the trash out, I’ll also be more motivated to do my part more thoroughly. It’s a win-win.”

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While the threat implies that chances are high you will not help them with the trash, the positive sentence structure implies that they will soon start contributing with the trash and ends with a much better win-win. Big difference. E (Enforce): Enforce your boundaries as needed. Enforcement is what you do when you want or need to push someone. For example, “Mark, I don’t intend to enter into a verbal race with you about who’s thrown out what in the past. I am concerned about finding an agreement for the future. And, I am asking if you can please throw it out more often from now on.” Enforcement is what you will also use when defending your boundaries against pushy folks. It can mean repeating the same message over and over, refusing to budge, walking away, or escalating. As a shorter format for quick personal feedback, I condense the DESOE assertive communication framework into only three parts. I coined it the “ESE” framework (pronounced “easy”): 1. Express: State how you feel in the situation. 2. Specify: Describe what you would like to happen. 3. Enforce: Enforce your boundaries as needed. The template is, “I’d appreciate it if you,” and then insert the behavior you’d like to see from that person from now on. So, continuing from the housework example, that could look like saying, “I’d appreciate it if you took out the trash whenever you see it’s full and are on your way out.” The “I’d appreciate” is expressing your feelings. And, the rest specifies the behavior you’d like to see moving forward. And, finally, if it comes to it, you

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can enforce your boundaries accordingly such as with the example from the DESOE framework above. A quick caveat though…avoid over using these frameworks. DESOE and ESE are not supposed to become your standard format for every sentence or request you utter. Instead, it’s best used when: • • • • •

You need to communicate something difficult Something in what you say may be misconstrued, so you want to make sure you’re being clear You’re dealing with difficult people You expect a pushback You’re in a more formal setting where precise communication gives you an advantage

So, if you practice these frameworks when they’re appropriate (and, as you get more practice and experience, you’ll gradually learn when it’s needed and when it’s not), you’ll start to be perceived as a more confident, high-value individual worthy of fair treatment and respectful communication. And that’s the kind of person others want to build a relationship with. To fully recap this chapter, here are the main takeaways. • •

• • • •

By being more assertive, you can be perceived as higher-value. Assertiveness isn’t always the best communication style for every situation, including for making friends, winning allies, and recruiting mentors. There are cases when either submission or aggression might better serve your goals. However, those are exceptions. Assertive people also come across as more confident, more powerful, and as productive go-getters driven to get things done. If you’re assertive, people are more likely to see a relationship with you as a win-win and, hence, more likely to pursue one. If you want to be more assertive, use the DESOE framework and ESE framework to draw your boundaries whenever necessary.

Here are your action steps.34 Action Steps: #1. Acquire beliefs that encourage your assertiveness. Actions follow beliefs and emotional states, so work on your beliefs first and foremost. Read the foundational beliefs of assertiveness as often as you need, ponder them over, and write them out. Then, use your actions to internalize them. For example, whenever you practice communicating assertively, remind yourself of how the positive beliefs of assertiveness you learned in this chapter underpin your positive behavior. The more you repeat this process, the more you’ll start to believe those mindsets. #2. Acquire personal values that encourage good character. Personal values typically held by people with good character (which are also people often seen as high-quality for their character) include: • • •

And for the busy folks: •

34

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I tell the truth, and I expect to be told the truth in return. I don’t take advantage of others, and I don’t let others take advantage of me. I seek to add value to others, and I expect others to have the same attitude.

I respect other people’s time, and I expect others to respect my time.

You can get a free, in-depth guide to the best communication skills resources at The Power Moves website: https://thepowermoves.com/best-communication-skills-books/.

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These are all personal values that almost automatically move you towards a more assertive stance in life. #3. Know yourself and what you want. Know what you want to achieve. When you know what you want to say “yes” to, you also know what you need to say “no” to. The more convinced you are about your goals, the easier it is to say “no.”

Remember, you can find the techniques for effective assertiveness in the “Assertive Communication” section of this book at any time. DO THIS:

• • •

Know what you like and enjoy. • Identify and define your values. What are you comfortable and uncomfortable doing based on the values you hold?

•

Voice your concerns: When something feels off, speak up. Ask questions: When you’re not sure, don’t take hints from the silent crowd. Have the courage to be a contrarian: If you have unpopular opinions, say it. (This can be especially useful if you never rebelled in your teens.) Do something assertive that scares you: Ask for a pay raise or have that difficult conversation. Rinse, and repeat.

#4. Learn and adopt assertive communication techniques. You’re doing it with this chapter and book.

#5.2. Stick through the changes.

We also recommend you keep a journal and record your interactions as well as what you think you could’ve done better in them. These reflections will develop your assertiveness skills faster.

People get used to a certain baseline behavior.

#4.2. Learn and adopt assertive body language. While you’re at it, include assertive vocal tonality as well. For starters though, develop a habit of keeping your posture straight, adopting open body language, and avoiding any behaviors that could be viewed as a possible sign of nervousness (such as anxiously scratching the back of your neck). #5. Push yourself to apply the assertive communication techniques.

If you’ve always been passive and then suddenly start being assertive, they might over-interpret your newfound resolve. In other words, they might overreact negatively to your new assertiveness because it will seem to be coming out of nowhere (plus, some people want you to remain passive because it’s good for them). Similarly, if you’ve always been aggressive and are now being assertive, people who are used to your aggression might feel like you’re not really one-hundred percent behind what you say now. But it’s them who has to readapt, not you. You’re upgrading yourself, so stay the course.

It’s as simple as that.

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#5.3. Consider starting with one person or environment at a time. Going from passive to assertive will change some relationships and create some pushback. That change can be overwhelming, so a good approach is to change one relationship at a time. If you’re really struggling, start with the easiest relationship—the one you know you’d feel the most comfortable going assertive in. Then, strong on the initial success, let the domino effect carry you to assertive victory. #6. Reward yourself for being more assertive.

CHAPTER 3 HOW TO BUILD A SOCIAL CIRCLE OF COOL FRIENDS, ALLIES, AND MENTORS AT WILL

The best way to make your new assertiveness stick is to take pride in being more assertive. Every time you act more assertively, self-congratulate yourself. Emotionally reward yourself with pride for going for it and giving it your best effort (regardless of how the outcome turned out). You’re upgrading your life and also contributing to a better world. Taking everything you learned in this chapter a step further, in the next chapter, we’ll dig deeper into how to be the person everyone wants to be around by sharing a simple, straightforward concept that very few people know about. It’s all based on solid research in the social sciences. You’ll discover the tested and proven reasons why some people are popular while others are outcasts. You’ll also gain science-backed insights as to how you can become the type of person who can build a social circle of cool friends, allies, and mentors at will—using one simple framework for measuring your progress.

In the last chapter, you learned about assertiveness, what it is, when to use it, and how to use it. You also learned that people who master assertion tend to come across as more confident, high-value, and generally good-character individuals who get things done. They are the exact kinds of people most would want a personal or professional relationship with because they’d see it as a win-win. (And, as we’ve said before, in your negotiations for relationships in life, you always want to aim for win-win.) As always, make sure to finish the last chapter’s action steps before moving on to this chapter. You may be struggling at this point, particularly if these advanced social skills are completely new to you. But, keep at it and do your homework. Learning how people and power truly work is a necessity if you want to succeed in life, and Chapter Two is an absolute must to develop the character traits and qualities people look for. If you’re feeling overwhelmed right now, take a break and then come back. But, whatever you do, don’t neglect the action steps. Each chapter in this book (which the action steps are based off of ) is a pot of gold. It’s up to you to start mining.

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“You can have everything in life you want if you will just help enough other people get what they want.” —Zig Ziglar

What other people want is to be around people who are both powerful and friendly. If you can be that for them, they can be what you need in return. In the first chapter, we talked about the importance and perks of being a highvalue individual. Since being high-value means you have an abundance of value to give, many people seek out high-value individuals for relationships. Being a high-value individual is similar to being a “high-power” individual— which is someone who has an abundance of power (not too different from the high-value individual definition). Since value is something that makes or has the potential to make your life better, if you have an abundance of value, then it’s implied you can use that abundance of value to make your own life better by using it to reach your own goals. That makes you a high-power individual, because power is simply the measure to which an individual can achieve what they want. The very same value that causes others to seek you out because you can give it to them is also often value you can give to yourself to make your own life better and achieve your own goals. That’s why high-value individuals are often perceived and regarded as high-power individuals almost automatically (so long as they’re not being submissive). So, while the two terms are different, for right now, you can think of being high-value and being high-power as synonyms. Like most synonyms, they’re not quite interchangeable, but they’re similar enough. You want to position yourself as high-power to win more of your negotiations for relationships in life. Being high-power shares similar dynamics and approaches as being high-value. In this case, more than avoiding presenting yourself to others as low-value,

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you want to avoid presenting yourself to them as low-power—or, in simpler terms, as “weak.” In my bestselling book, The Clever Connector, I share a story about starting out life as a “nice guy.” Back then, I was so far on the passive side, people took advantage of me and, at one point, left me isolated in my greatest time of need. After that experience, I fell to the opposite side of the spectrum, going from passive all the way to being aggressive out of the anger I felt from the betrayal and loss of my friends and family. Unfortunately, that aggressive behavior only left me more isolated. I was young at the time and inexperienced. The values I was raised with led to my nice guy behavior, and, a near-death experience in isolation was what shocked me out of those beliefs and pushed me to the edge. In being on both sides of the line, I was able to see firsthand how relationships work based on one’s level of friendly behavior compared to their dominant behavior. I was able to eventually learn to balance being dominant (which is viewed as high-power behavior) with being friendly and warm (which, as we said in the assertiveness chapter, can be viewed as being submissive). I turned the harsh struggles to survive into fuel to find power and purpose. I was able to pursue a path of doing my best, and now I want to make sure no one ever has to experience the pain I felt back when I didn’t know what I know now.35 My number one goal for this book as I write it alongside Lucio is to help others build relationships with the people who can make their lives better. I want to share how to build a social circle of cool friends, allies, and mentors at will. And, the number one tool I can give you to manage and navigate your relationships better than I ever did at the very start of my journey is this: leverage the stereotype content model. 35

You can get more information about Ali’s inspiring life’s story in his free chapter giveaway of The Clever Connector Second Edition: https://thecleverconnector.com/ all-guides/.

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The stereotype content model is a framework suggesting that groups and individuals assess each other along two dimensions:36 • •

Power: How powerful is he? Warmth: Is he a friend or foe?

The original research refers to “competence” instead of power.37 But since “competence” was defined as “the capacity to enact one’s intentions,” we’re basically talking about power. The two axes in the model form four quadrants. See it here with examples for politics, work, and relationships (in that order).

More often than not, we tend to see people with one trait or the other— they’re either warm or powerful. Very rarely do we see people who are both. That’s good news for you. It means that when you become one, you will stand out the most. That’s how you’ll truly position yourself as the popular person everyone wants to be around. Now, let’s dive deeper into Lucio’s work for the details of each quadrant, what they mean for you, and how you can strategically leverage them to raise your status to get more out of life. Quadrant #1: Low Power and High Warmth (The “Too Nice Guy”) Included in this category are: • • •

The panhandler you take a pity on In cases of men, the provider who is dominated or controlled by a woman In cases of women, the housewife who always says “yes” to her man no matter how she feels

People might “like” you, but nobody respects you. Many men are in this quadrant. Emotion they arouse: Pity Behavior: Passive facilitation (and sometimes passive harm) This quadrant says: “I’m friendly and naive. I’m easy to manipulate and take advantage of.” Quadrant #2: Low Power and Low Warmth (The “Frustrated Chump”) Included in this category are: 36

37

“Stereotype Content Model,” Wikipedia (Wikimedia Foundation, November 10, 2011), https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stereotype_content_model. Susan T. Fiske et al., “A Model of (Often Mixed) Stereotype Content: Competence and Warmth Respectively Follow from Perceived Status and Competition,” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 82, no. 6 (2002): pp. 878–902, https://doi. org/10.1037/0022-3514.82.6.878.

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• • • •

The angry obese man The old grumpy woman yelling at her neighbor Jealous frenemies Average, frustrated people

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People placed in the low-power and low-warmth category are folks such as homeless and welfare recipients. These groups are seen by many as leeching off of society without giving anything back. They take and give nothing (which is low warmth because it’s unfriendly), but they also take and have little (which is low power because they have a low ability to get what they want in life).

As we said before, you’ll position yourself as the popular person everyone wants to be around if you reach this high-power, high-warmth quadrant.

Emotion they arouse: Contempt

Emotion they arouse: Admiration

Behavior: Active harm

Behavior: Active facilitation

This quadrant says: “I’m unhappy with my life and take my frustration out on the people around.”

This quadrant says: “I’m powerful, and I’m happy if you also join me here at the top.”

Quadrant #3: High Power and Low Warmth (The “Ruthless Prince”)

Now, the high-power, high-warmth quadrant is clearly the optimal choice for the vast majority of social situations.

Included in this category are: • • •

Famous and unapproachable VIPs Powerful and cruel dictators Manipulative and self-serving bosses

In everyday life, this is the quadrant for the disliked, yet powerful assholes of the world. You can do better than this. Emotion they arouse: Envy Behavior: Passive harm This quadrant says: “I’m powerful because I’m better than you, so stay away.” Quadrant #4: High Power and High Warmth (The “High-Quality Leader”) Included in this category are: • • • •

The famous VIP who takes time to shake hands and sign autographs The beloved and admired founder The champion who starts a gym in his hood Leaders that people like, admire, and respect

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Liberal leaders tend to be seen as high warmth and high power. Obama tried to be here and partially succeeded, but Bill Clinton is a great example. No matter your political affiliation, this is a man people wanted to be around.

But, once again, there are exceptions, as with anything. So, let’s take a look at when you can use the other quadrants strategically: Quadrant #1: Low Power and High Warmth High warmth mixed with low power has some uses. It works for “testing purposes” such as: 1. Testing people: Will they take advantage of your friendliness? As Jesus said, ”Whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.” Pretend to be one of the least of those brothers, and see if they take advantage of it. Another technique is to give without asking for anything back. Will they give back when left to their own devices, or not? If they don’t, they might not be the right people to associate with because they might not believe in win-win. 2. Seducing men This quadrant works great for women to send signals of “exploitability,” which are attractive to men.

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Quadrant #2: Low Power and Low Warmth

Instilling fear is a dangerous strategy, though.

There are not many instances in which low-warmth, low-power behavior can come in handy.

There are three crucial aspects to make it work: 1. You must build up your reputation before the action even starts. People need to know in advance that any machinations or rebellion against you will be brutally put down.

Two of those instances are: 1. When you want to be left alone: Pretend you know nothing and act bad-tempered, and people will avoid you. 2. When you want to test people: Pretend you’re harmless and somewhat annoying, and see how they react.

When people know that as soon as they get into the street, they’ll get shot, chances are that nobody will want to make the first move. 2. You must act quickly and resolutely. Act quick and don’t let any rebellion gather momentum, or it can become a long, drawn-out bloodbath.

Those are the rare exceptions where you can strategically use this quadrant. For the most part, avoid it and the people in it. Quadrant #3: High Power and Low Warmth

If the dictator allows for momentum to build, the rebellion might snowball until it topples him over (or becomes a stalemated bloodbath).

High warmth invites win-win relationships, and, generally, that’s great. But you can’t always go win-win in life.

These same medieval-like dynamics could also take place in a company. 3. You must keep your few crucial people happy (and the military). Even dictators depend on a few crucial backers.38 Those backers include army generals.

When there is no room for win-win, you might need to go win-lose or, at least, you might want to discourage any attempts of lose-win (in other words, discourage relationships where you are the losing party).

The fear strategy is risky. Dictators low in warmth are hated by the population, so they must give lots of financial rewards to those crucial backers to keep their power.

Low warmth behavior and communication can help you with both, especially if you can combine it with a high power dominance. 1. Despots and dictators can gain by instilling fear

So, never forget, it’s OK to keep your key backers fearful, but also make sure they have a full stomach.

In some circumstances, despots can acquire more absolute power by instilling more fear.

That holds true for the military, too, of course. In times of turmoil, a dictator’s best friend is the military.

Instead of trying to influence those despots, courtesans will be busier trying to appease them. Instead of plotting against them, potential enemies will be more occupied with trying to stay on their good side. This is why Niccolò Machiavelli, author of The Prince, says that “being feared is better than being loved.”

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Needless to say, these are very poor leaders, so don’t make your goal to be a feared, unfriendly dictator.

38

Lucio Buffalmano, “The Dictator’s Handbook: 3 Steps to Being a Dictator,” The Power Moves, September 9, 2019, https://thepowermoves.com/the-dictators-handbook/.

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2. For criminals to climb hierarchies in violent environments (gangs) Violence and a reputation for violence are important social currencies to gain status in gangs. Being low in warmth can be advantageous for a quick climb. That being said, once you’re at the top, you’ll still need more skills than only a violent attitude. People at the very top of well-organized criminal gangs, like the mafia, still gain from a reputation of fairness within their group (albeit an illegal, very peculiar version of “fairness”). 3. To prevent abuse in high-competition and high-danger environments Instilling fear in others can also be useful in high-danger environments. It can include sports competitions (especially contact sports) or cut-throat business environments. And, of course, high-violence environments, like prisons. Roy Baumeister, social psychologist, says:39

However, life in gangs truly doesn’t pay well. So you probably don’t want to go down that road. That’s why, even despite all of the strategic exceptional cases where the other quadrants might be helpful, those are only exceptions. Generally speaking, going for high-warmth, high-power works best for most life situations because its advantages include: – – –

Decreased competition against you Increased supportive behavior Increased chances of win-win

So, now that we have seen the alternatives, let’s talk about how you can become high-power and high-warmth, starting with the power. H O W TO B E C O M E H I G H - P O W E R

There’s a lot to cover when it comes to increasing your power. That’s only one of the many reasons why I feel a course format is more effective for transferring information to learners than a book might be—there’s more freedom to share more information with more videos, examples, breakdowns, and analyses.40 But, here is a quick overview.

“A reputation for dangerous, unpredictable aggressiveness, causes others to leave one alone… This is the irony of the fighter who never fights because he is known to be such a dangerous fighter that no one is willing to challenge him.” —Roy Baumeister, Evil

39

Lucio Buffalmano, “Evil: Inside Human Violence and Cruelty–Summary,” The Power Moves, August 20, 2019, https://thepowermoves.com/evil-inside-human-violenceand-cruelty/.

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40

You can get a free preview of the course this book is based on, Power University, at The Power Moves: https://thepowermoves.com/courses/power-university/lessons/ power-university-welcome-lesson/.

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DO THIS:

1. Work to achieve more status, authority, and financial power. 2. Identify your current submissive behaviors and consciously work to root them out (because dominant behavior is often associated with “high-power” behavior).41 3. Start adding more high-power behavior.42 Do you remember when we talked about external and deeper layers in Chapter One? For a quick recap, your external qualities such as your looks are forms of value (social currencies) and your deeper qualities such as your character are also forms of value, but are harder to see right away. There’s an idea that one cannot “fake it until they make it” because one must truly be successful (truly be high-value or high-power) to reap the benefits of the successful. But, we live in a world where perceptions are reality. No one can read minds, so we go off of one’s external qualities and behavior to get an idea of how successful they might be. When it comes to external qualities, we might ask ourselves, “What kind of car does he drive? How expensive is that watch he’s wearing? Is that a name-brand suit he has on?” Similarly, there are certain social cues that we use to infer an individual’s value. When it comes to behavior, we look at how many signs of nervousness they show, how comfortable they appear, and how dominantly they carry themself to determine whether or not we want to get to know that person. How you carry yourself determines how people perceive you when they look at you. Therefore, that external behavior can get your foot in the door even if

41

42

you’re “faking” that confident, dominant behavior. In simpler terms, so long as you’re faking it well, people won’t be able to tell the difference. Now it makes sense, doesn’t it? The old “being” versus “appearing” argument (being successful versus appearing successful) deals with the visibility of your social currencies. “Appearing” refers to your external layers, and it’s the equivalent of your personal marketing, while “being” refers to your deeper layers, and it’s the equivalent of your actual product. Some people like to scoff at “appearing” and say that they value “being” far more. Of course, that’s rarely true; both are valuable because, as we said, they both feed into each other. The person who over focuses on their deeper layers and does nothing to improve their external layers rarely if ever reaches the heights of success because they’re marketing themselves as worthless. Your marketing is all people have to go by on whether or not they want to invest effort into building a relationship with you when you’re a stranger. The opposite is also true, though. The person who over focuses on his or her external layers and completely neglects the deeper layers leaves individuals sorely disappointed when they find that this person has far less value to give than they initially thought. Both layers need to be given focus, and both layers need each other to reach a firm level of success in life. To get started on your path to success, “fake” being high-value with high-power behavior to help others see your value. It will only be good marketing for yourself. So, a quick takeaway here—the only difference between your inner and external layers is that one is readily visible. You need to learn how to make the other visible, which is where your advanced social skills, such as behaving and communicating more confidently—and sometimes more dominantly—come into play. (You’ll see more as we continue through each chapter.)

You can get a free, in-depth guide to submissive body language for men and women at The Power Moves website: https://thepowermoves.com/low-power-behavior/. You can get a free, in-depth guide to high-power body language and behavior at The Power Moves website: https://thepowermoves.com/high-power-behavior/.

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H O W TO B E C O M E H I G H -WA R M T H

To show signs of social warmth, you need to:

There are two dimensions of warmth:

Remove yourself from the perceived threat.

1. Social warmth (looking friendly) 2. Moral warmth (a reputation for being a fair and ethical person) Some researchers concluded that morality is more important than the social aspect. That’s good news, because social warmth can sometimes be time-wasting— and being too friendly and smiley can make you look submissive. Since the moral aspect is superior, take care of your reputation as an ethical player and feel free to focus more on efficiency. For driven people who are short on time, this is great news. It means that you can allow yourself to be direct and risk offending someone, as long as you have the reputation of an ethical and fair human being. Yes, some people will get offended, but it will be mostly the people with a fragile ego. So as long as you’re not rude and overly disempowering, most high-value people will appreciate the honesty coming from a high-quality individual.43

There seems to be a slight negative inverse correlation between being high power and being friendly—meaning if you’re high power, people tend to put you into the low warmth box automatically. So, you must take the first step to avoid being seen as an “enemy of the people.” You can do that by adding warmth signals. Here are six easy tips. DO THIS:

1. 2. 3. 4. 5.

Flash your eyebrows upwards when you first meet someone. Smile. Let the other person speak first. If you both start talking, invite them to go ahead and speak first. Before negotiations, do some chit chat. It helps to increase warmth and trust (and positive results). 6. Think of people as friends and allies, and all the rest of your body language will follow.

Your moral warmth signs are: • • • • • •

43

Honesty Fairness Paying market or above-market wages Talking about your values Telling and circulating stories that highlight your moral values Going the extra mile (you don’t need to be a Mother Teresa here, but this one surely won’t hurt)

Don’t confuse direct communication with the attitude of people who take pride in “always telling the truth” and end up being mean and offending people. Hiding behind the “I’m just telling the truth” attitude is often a power move and an excuse to hide mean-spiritedness.

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Again, no need to overdo the big smile or a huge eyebrow flash, but try to modulate it depending on the person. If they are below your status, you can even overdo the friendly signals, because friendliness from a higher-status person is rarely submissive and far more often considered as “magnanimous.” If they are being cold and standoffish, it might be the case that they think that you are too low in warmth, so it’s often worth it to strategically try to be warmer before you write them off as uncooperative or enemies. It’s also often good to ramp up the warmth with lower-status people who can still cause you small trouble, like secretaries or civil servants. People in those positions are often treated curtly, and they can grow resentful, seeking to enact revenge by making other people’s lives more difficult. Make sure you

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communicate early and clearly you’re not another asshole, and chances are they’ll be grateful (and helpful). Let’s recap this chapter. • •

• •

People determine whether or not they want to be around you based on how powerful you are and how friendly you are. There’s a large overlap between being high-value and high-power, because, in either case, you have the ability to get what you want in life using the value or power you have (i.e., “value is power”). The more you can balance being very powerful with being very friendly, the more people will want to be around you. To become more high-power and high-warmth, follow the “How to Become High-Power” and “How to Become High-Warmth” overviews in this chapter as well as this chapter’s action steps.

While that can be a strategy in some settings and situations, a better overall strategy is this: aim to be both high warmth and high power. That’s the social strategy of the effective social charmer who makes many allies and few enemies, because in most real-life relationships, which are the majority in our modern world, warmth complements and increases your power. So, when you catch yourself being low warmth, aim to be more friendly by sending more of the “social warmth signs” we talked about. When you catch yourself carrying yourself as low-power, aim to be more dominant, all the while doing your best to keep a good balance between the two as you work toward achieving more status, authority, and financial power. The rest of this book will get you many steps closer to just that. #3. Evaluate your main social circle.

As always, before we move on to new material, let’s make sure you’ve got this one down with some quick action steps.44

As you interact with people in your usual, day-to-day social circle, do your best to assess where they might fit on the stereotype content model and why.

Action Steps:

Then, apply what you’ve learned in this chapter to avoid their mistakes and improve your social standing.

#1. Assess where you currently stand on the stereotype content model. Are you too friendly with not enough power (a common issue for many “nice guys”)? Or, are you too high-power and not friendly enough? It’s also possible—and this is probably the most common—that you are neither high-power nor high-warmth. If that’s the case, your job might even be simpler: work on both.

In the next chapter, we’ll go over “power moves.” You know what I mean—for example, when you go on a date and the other person shows up late on purpose to make it look like their time is more important than yours. We’ll be going over the power moves that lower your status and power (putting you in the low-power bracket). We’ll also go over exactly how to defend yourself and boost your status by effectively dealing with these power moves.

#2. Aim to be both high warmth and high power. The mistake some men make is to completely erase warmth in an effort to be more “alpha” and dominant. 44

You can get a free, in-depth guide to becoming high-warmth and high-power at The Power Moves website: https://thepowermoves.com/high-warmth-high-competence/.

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Your action steps aimed for that ideal, high-warmth, high power bracket both for you and those you choose to keep around you. (If you haven’t done those action steps yet, take care of them before moving on to this chapter.)

CHAPTER 4 HOW TO OVERCOME THE POWER GAMES PEOPLE PLAY THAT COST YOU SUCCESS

By now, you’re well and truly into the mind of a social strategist. If you’ve been implementing what you’ve been learning so far, you’ll have had a few quick wins—especially if those wins are simply learning from your failures as you apply what you learn. It’s a time-tested and true practice—going for it and doing your best, failing, and then using those failures as learning opportunities to make your best better is the surest way to success. So, if you’ve stuck with this book so far without giving up, awesome! It’s only natural that those who make it to the finish line are those who refuse to give up on the journey. Feel free to reward yourself for your effort. In the last chapter, we covered the stereotype content model and talked about the best quadrant to be in, as well as how you can make it into that bracket by becoming higher power and higher warmth. You also know to avoid positioning yourself as low-value, because those with less value to give are the ones most likely to fail in relationships and, oftentimes, in life (hence why most people avoid those types of people).

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And, now we transition into talking about the games some people play that can reduce your perceived status and power, pushing you into the low-power bracket if you’re not careful. Let’s talk about power moves.

“A good person is ruined among the many who are not good.” —Niccolò Machiavelli, The Prince

A quote that holds true in the world we live in, which has its fair share of manipulators, abusers, and generally value-taking people in it. That also includes people who pull power moves on you to push you down and make themselves look better. Your advanced social skills are the real-world skills that will help you deal with these very real games played both by those who are well-intentioned and don’t know better and those who are simply value-takers willing to hurt you for their own gain. The better you can address these power moves, the more you’ll be perceived as being in the high-power bracket and create win-win relationships that support your journey to success. A very simple definition of a power move is “any action that affects the flow of power in a given setting.” I’ll give you an example. When I started my first online business, I bought the domains for my website using a particular company. A year later, a mentor of mine recommended a

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high-quality, more cost-effective option for my website domains. After doing my due diligence, I made the switch.

Playing her game expands on the sucker’s trade of the situation, and, suckers aren’t typically very high-power.

Unluckily, after the transfer went through, one of my domains started to give me an error message. I went on Live Chat where a customer support representative was very helpful in getting things back online without any issues. I thanked her warmly.

Now, this was actually a covert power move, meaning it was a “hidden” power move. So, if you didn’t catch it at first, it’s all good. You’ll see many more examples in this chapter of power moves as well as covert power moves and how to handle them. With your new understanding of the social exchange from Chapter One, you’ll also catch on to how these moves can be so damaging to your relationships when you let takers like this one into your life.

Since things had gone so well, the representative replied to me, “You are most welcome! Feel free to ask if you have any other questions, I am at your service. Also, I would appreciate it if you could leave your feedback by mentioning my name here [link]. You can also bring me a splash of sunshine if you take a few minutes to send a short email with your feedback here [email address]. Your few seconds of survey would bring immense happiness to me. Thank you for contacting [name of company] Support, have a nice day. Stay safe and healthy.” Did you catch what she did? She said she would “appreciate” my review and feedback and that it would bring her a “splash of sunshine” and “immense happiness” if I could send my feedback to her company’s email too. It was a nice message on the surface, but it was also written to avoid giving me any real value back for my time and effort if I gave her that feedback. That creates a win-lose exchange where she gets what she wants and I get back nothing. Her message was one big power game. Now, the flow of power in this setting has been affected. If I go along with her game, it: •

•

Makes me come across as high-warmth because I would be giving value without getting anything back. And, that makes me the overly friendly “nice guy” who’s OK with being taken advantage of. It positions me as a servant doing all of the giving on cue without getting anything back—which makes it a sucker’s trade. Makes me come across as low-power because now she knows that she can use me to get value without having to give anything back. That’s good for their business as they build themselves up with more of my value while leaving me drained.

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In the beginning, I was blind to these games. Even after learning them, I figured it was OK to let them slide and still give people what they want because it was the “right” or “good” thing to do. However, I now know it’s wrong and naive to let people take advantage of you. An assertiveness belief and mindset will tell you, “You are worthy of fair treatment and respectful communication, and so are others.” It’s more than “OK” to make sure you’re treated fairly—it’s necessary and just, especially if you want others to treat you with respect. Once you show others they can treat and communicate with you however they’d like, it lowers your social status and opens the door to possible abuse— another one of the reasons why assertive communication is generally better than the passive route. To expand on this and the potential dangers here, let’s delve deeper into Lucio’s wisdom. Lucio’s high-level definition of a power move is:

“A power move is any action that affects the power dynamics of an interaction.”45

45

Lucio Buffalmano, “Covert Power Moves (& How to Handle Them),” The Power Moves, June 16, 2021, https://thepowermoves.com/courses/power-university/lessons/ social-skills-advanced/topic/covert-power-moves-how-to-handle-them/.

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If you’re wondering what “power dynamics” is, it’s “the science of power negotiation among people and groups, as well as the strategies that facilitate the acquisition of resources and the achievement of goals.” But, if you feel like that’s a mouthful, I have a simpler definition that I share in my bestselling book, The Clever Connector:

“Power dynamics, at its most simplistic, is the way in which power works in a given setting. Power is the measure to which an individual can get what they want. And, the word ‘dynamic’ is synonymous with the word ‘process.’ So, putting the two words together, ‘power dynamics’ is simply the process by which an individual gets (or can get) what they want in a given setting.”46

Now, the high-level definition of a covert power move is:

“Any action or combination of words that on the surface seems neutral, apologetic, even value-adding, while actually increasing the power and/or status of the speaker, and potentially disempowering the victim.”47 —Lucio Buffalmano

But, as you can see from the example above, I have a simple definition for that one as well (a covert power move is a “hidden power move”).

46

47

Ali Scarlett and Lucio Buffalmano, The Clever Connector: The Easiest Way to Become Powerful, Regardless of Your Situation. The Underdog’s Guide to Networking with Billionaires, Celebrities, and Executives, 1st ed., 2020. Lucio Buffalmano, “Covert Power Moves (& How to Handle Them),” The Power Moves, June 16, 2021, https://thepowermoves.com/courses/power-university/lessons/ social-skills-advanced/topic/covert-power-moves-how-to-handle-them/.

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Picking up from where I left off on what can make power moves so dangerous (covert or not), some “power-taking” power moves are not so easy to spot.48 Some can actually seem friendly on the surface, and most people miss their real meaning. The problem is that when you miss covert power moves and do not correct the dynamics, you lose power, status, or authority. Over the long run, that means people will come to see you as lower value since covert power moves are value-taking when they’re used against you. You’ll miss out on win-win relationships and might wind up in lose-wins. People might (subconsciously) label you as lower value than they are. Ultimately, that leads to less success in life because people view you as weak, low-power, and/or low-value. So, think of covert power moves as “subliminal power messages” that fly under the radar. This chapter will uncover the “subliminal” power dynamics through concrete examples and how to deal with them. But, first, let me clear this out. Covert power moves disempower you, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that the person pulling them has bad intentions. The customer service agent from my story might be forced to ask for a review using that particular script by her boss or company, for instance. This is crucial to understand so you don’t over-blame people. Covert power moves can originate from honest good intentions while still disempowering you. And, many covert power moves contain both an honest emotional component and a power component. So, please don’t jump to the conclusion that every single covert power move is the sign of a bad human being. There are gray areas where some people might not be bad but have only failed to realize that you’re a higher-value individual than they thought. They just need a little reminder from you. However, despite their intentions, the power component of the covert power move means they are still disempowering you. 48

“Power-taking” means that it disempowers you and generally makes you look weak and/or low-power.

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COVERT POWER MOVES

Beating This Covert Power Move:

Some covert power moves are very common because they hide behind social conventions—and it’s precisely because they are so common that they have a disproportionately large impact on life.49

Imagine this dating scenario. You send a text to a girl that says this:50

Let’s review them. 1. “I Was Busy.” This is one of the most wide-spread power moves around, but don’t let its pervasiveness fool you. This is the rule of thumb: the more people are too busy for you, the more subservient to them you are (and the more you look lower-power compared to them). Someone saying that they were “too busy” sub-communicates that they were busy with more important things to take care of than your less important thing. You, or your task, were not a high enough priority for their attention. But, could it be that they were really just too busy? Of course! Even then, it’s still a power move. Just think about it. Would anyone who really cares about their job be too busy for their boss? Or, would anyone really be too busy for the man or woman they want to marry and be with forever? Exactly. It’s rarely a matter of business and far more often a matter of priority. Telling someone you were too busy is akin to saying “you aren’t high enough of a priority for me right now.” Similar expressions are, “I didn’t have the time,” “I had to take care of a few things,” “I meant to get back to you, but then a few things came up” and so on.

You: “Hi Gina, I wrote you the other day to schedule a coffee.” Gina: “Yes, sorry, I was crazy busy these past few days.” What she’s really saying is, “Yes, sorry, I was crazy busy with things more important than you and your message these past few days.” So, let’s analyze a few ways most people reply to that. Most people might ask, “What were you busy with?” This is not ideal because she is now prompted to focus and expand on everything that she made a higher priority than you. Also, maybe she wasn’t busy with anything, and now she’s forced to make up stories. That reinforces in her mind that you’re a bothersome man she is bending over backward to avoid. Not what you want. Another typical reply is, “No worries, life happens.” This is the neutral reply. It’s good because your ready-made excuse that “life happens” gets her off the hook. Now, at least she doesn’t feel the need to expend effort on made-up lies for why she prioritized other things over you. But, it’s still not ideal. You are downplaying her choice not to respond, which is good, but you’re still suffering a power-loss from her covert power move because you’re not addressing it.

50 49

You can get a free, in-depth guide on covert power moves at The Power Moves website: https://thepowermoves.com/covert-power-moves/.

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This is not a good text to send because it thread-expands on her ignoring you or dodging your invite. But we’ll forget that for a moment and focus on learning the covert power dynamics.

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S AY T H I S : “Yeah, sorry I didn’t follow up with you sooner. Life’s hectic sometimes.”

It implies she wasn’t a high enough priority for you to pursue her harder and that you are also “too busy” with other things. It’s a bit of a “game-y” answer, to be honest. It’s good to learn, but it’s not ideal to get stuck at trading power moves. Ideally, you want to soar higher. My favorite response is actually to empathize with something like, “All good, everyone’s so busy in this city [smiley face emoji],” and then leave it up to her to either show some more interest or let it die there. Of course, you always have the option of ignoring her, too. Oftentimes, Lucio chooses this response and opts not to play the game back. He just makes a mental note that they might be a game player and simply moves towards whatever his goal is. And, if he sees too many of these covert power moves, then he de-prioritizes the individual, cuts contact, or generally avoids giving them any important role in his life.

It’s a covert power move because she doesn’t take responsibility with her apology. Instead, she puts the focus on the effect she had. In this case, the “I’m sorry you felt hurt” subcommunicates “I’m sorry you couldn’t manage your insecurities and jealousy, but I’m not sorry for what I did.” Here’s another example. Let’s say, for instance, a coach is apologizing to one of his players, and that player is you. He says, “I’m sorry that I yelled at you in front of the whole team.” Once again, the coach isn’t taking responsibility for his actions such as by apologizing for losing his temper or for not managing his emotions well. He instead focuses the apology on what he did to you, and, as a result, he underlines what he had the power to do to you. He yelled at you in front of the whole team while you had to take it. And, he might’ve ruined your reputation with the team, too, because of it—all because he can. OK, last one. Let’s say your horrible boss says, “I’m sorry I said you’re useless in front of the customer.” Take a moment and really think about what this statement subcommunicates. Do you see its true meaning?

Would you ever think that “I’m sorry” could be a power move? I hope so.

In that example, your boss’s apology sub communicates, “I’m sorry you’re my underling, but no matter what, I can still speak to you however I want any time I want.” And, that’s the true meaning, because if they’re apologizing for speaking to you however they felt like in front of a customer, it’s implied that it’s because they can speak to you however they want to in front of a customer. And, their apology isn’t a real apology here, it’s a covert power move that only shows what they have the power to do to you.

Think of what it implies. “Sorry” means that someone hurt you, wronged you, or caused you harm.

Beating This Covert Power Move:

2. “I’m Sorry.”

And, from a social power point of view, the power in a relationship rests with the person who has the most power to hurt the other.

How do you react to “I’m sorry” power moves?

So, imagine a woman saying to her relationship partner, “Honey, I’m sorry you felt hurt that me and Max spoke for so long.”

saying that.”

If it’s a power move, don’t say anything resembling, “Thank you for

And, of course, don’t look like you were indeed hurt by their behavior. Don’t let the exchange linger on the apology phase for too long.

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The longer you linger on the “sorry” phase, the more you highlight

She later approached me with my colleague while we were at lunch

that you’re the one lower in power from their hurtful behavior.

and profusely apologized. Since she was high rank, and known to

Instead, a good option is to minimize it, rebuild your own status

be super tough, that raised my status big time with my colleague.

with a quick comment, and then move on quickly.

3. “Sorry, I Don’t Remember You…”

An example is to respond with, “No, no, it’s all good. I’m [doing]

The dynamic here is the same as with being busy. The less someone remembers you, the more important they make themselves to be compared to you— which makes them higher-power.

great and have been crazy busy with X. Anyway, I’ve heard that…” and move the conversation along, away from the topic of the apology and the situation that might’ve cost you some of your status. Also, if it’s warranted, there’s another option. You can reply with a good power move of your own.

S AY T H I S : “I forgive you.”

By saying “I forgive you” or “I accept your apology,” you shift the power away from them to you. You have the power to decide whether or not to forgive them, and you decided to use your power

When someone doesn’t remember (or, sometimes, pretends they don’t remember) you, they’re saying that you are a low priority in their life, so much so that they don’t care enough to remember you. Alternatively, they may be saying that their life is so full of important things that they must be a higher value individual than you are. Forgetting important information about you or pretending not to know something important about you are different forms of this covert power move. The mistake that many make here is trying to help the power mover remember you—for example, by sharing more details about you, who you are, or where and how you met.

to grant them absolution.

Big social mistake, and poor social strategy.

Now, the exception to this “I’m sorry” covert power move is when an

When you help people remember you, you’re playing into their hands and further highlighting the power differential.

apology from someone actually gives you power. There are situations where just “I’m sorry” is enough to rebalance the power.

Beating This Covert Power Move: Imagine a teacher yelled at you in front of the class and you requested that they apologize to you in front of the whole class. Then, it’s your power move. In that case, you can take charge of it and build upon it. Say, “It’s OK professor, I’m glad you listened to me and are making

DO THIS:

Pretend not to remember them, and you’ll help put yourself in an even footing with the power mover.

up for it. We can move on.” Something similar happened to me with one of those crazy office

Alternatively, if you already admitted you knew or remember them, pretend it was a vague memory.

ladies who yells at people when they get angry.

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Or, finally, you can say you are confusing the power mover with someone else because “there are lots of blondes in this city,” or whatever peculiar characteristic they have, which is also slightly demeaning, but ensures they see you as more of an equal and, as a result, treat you with the respect and fairness of an equal. 4. “You Can Do It!” You know those (cheap) “supportive” messages of encouragement, like, “You can do it!” or, “Go there and smash it.” Now that you’ve seen a few covert power moves, think about it… what do these messages sub-communicate? They all make it seem like you need their encouragement. As if their encouragement is helpful and that they’re in a position to pro-

one who offers the reassurance of course, not the one who needs the reassurance. Worse yet, imagine if your boss was listening. Who would he most likely want to promote? Not the guy who needs to be reminded not to be afraid, of course.

Beating This Covert Power Move: The first rule is this. •

Do not confirm that you will heed their encouragement.

Don’t say that, yes, you will be confident, cool, strong, or whatever, because that confirms that their encouragement was, at least, fair to give. Next:

vide you with valuable encouragement (which sub-communicates they’re either on your level or above you). Even worse are the encouragements like, “Be strong,” “Be confi-

•

Watch out for directly fighting the covert power move.

ment are the ones that explicitly frame you as being weak.

Saying “I’m not afraid” is powerful and can work, so don’t necessarily avoid it, but, there is a downside. It expands on a topic you might not want to expand on—in this case, the “fear” topic. Now, people might be wondering “Is he telling the truth? Is he a bit afraid?”

For example, I remember a colleague who told me before a sales

So, here are a few potential solutions that work best for this game.

dent,” or “Be cool.” They sub-communicate that you are not already confident, strong, or cool enough. The worst types of encourage-

call with a potentially big customer, “Don’t be afraid, remember that he shits and farts just like anyone else.” On the surface, it seems like he was supporting and encouraging me. But, in truth, it set up a frame that I should have been afraid,

•

Ignore it or make little of it.

A standard and evergreen technique.

which is mentally disempowering. He made it look like I probably was afraid, which lowers my status and power to everyone in ear-

DO THIS:

shot. (And, if nobody was around, it certainly lowered my status between him and me and in our respective minds.) Imagine if your colleagues were listening. Who would they consider the higher status and more value-giving employee? The

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Let it drop, don’t reply, ignore it. A very detached “thanks,” said without looking at them, will work. You say “thanks” as if you’re actually saying, “That was useless horseshit.”

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•

Disempower their game by indirectly showing their game.

Imagine you work in sales and this exchange takes place with your colleague.

Usually, the givers are in the higher-value position, because, simply by giving value, they sub-communicate they have an abundance of it. And, as a result, they’re also in the higher-power position, because, as we said, “value is power.”

Colleague: “You can do it man, go in there and be persuasive.”

So, what happens when someone says, “How can I help you?”

You: “I wasn’t planning on going in there and being unpersuasive, but thanks.”

It implies that they can help you and that they’re there to help you. It implies that they’re giving.

And, express the “but thanks” as if to say, “I’m just saying this out of politeness, but that was useless.” The response to his power move in this example outlines the uselessness of the “encouragement” and re-empowers you. •

Disempower their game with sarcasm.

It’s the same as the previous example, only with an ironic response. For example: Colleague: “You can do it man, go in there and be persuasive.” You: “Thanks, I was planning to go in there and be as unpersuasive as possible, but now I know better.” And now, finally, for a very common power move in business networking.

In turn, it disempowers you because if it’s implied that they’re the one giving, then it’s also implied that you’re the one taking. Being positioned as a taker makes you look lower-value and lower-power. This is bad for keeping people around and equally as bad for your aim for the high-power, highwarmth bracket. Beating This Covert Power Move: You deal with it by removing yourself from the “helped” position and removing them from the “helper” position. Here’s a response that keeps you high-power and high-warmth. S AY T H I S : “Thank you for saying that. Maybe we can both be helpful to each other.” [Then, proceed from there.]

5. “How Can I Help You?” Remember when we talked about the social exchange in the first chapter? For a quick recap, we’re always checking whether or not our relationships are helping or hurting us by keeping track of who is giving and who is taking. The more taking someone does, the more we feel they “offer” a useless relationship that only hurts us—and the more likely we are to avoid them. Conversely, the more giving someone does for us, the more likely we are to want them around.

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In one of my meetings with a brand new contact, after we exchanged introductions, he said, “So, how can I help you?” As we explained before, if I would’ve accepted that covert power move, it would’ve made him look like the helpful giver and me look like the weaker party taking his help because I needed it. So, I responded with, “Yes, if there’s a way you can help, I’d be grateful. And, even better if there’s a way we can help each other.”

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By saying “if,” it implies that we don’t know if you can help me and, therefore, we’re still on even footing right now (no imbalanced, giver/taker relationship). And, by saying it’d be even better if there’s a way we could help each other, it sets up the conversation for us to move towards a win-win where we’re both giving to each other and benefiting from the relationship (as opposed to one giving and one taking). Let’s now review a different class of disempowering power moves. Lucio attributes this class of power move to “judge power dynamics,”51 and they can be both open and direct, or covert. Judge power dynamics revolve heavily around the emotional dynamics of being and feeling judged. It includes feeling valued, approved of, loved, accepted, and, of course, the opposites: to be made to feel worthless, disapproved of, disliked, or “not welcome.” JUDGE POWER MOVES

Have you ever been judged by someone and felt bad afterward? If you answered “yes,” their judgment might’ve been a covert power move. The judge is defined as:

“The individual who assesses other people’s worthiness, dispenses emotional punishments and rewards, and exercises power and influence over others through emotional control.”52

Judges are high-power roles that take many forms in life and socialization. Here are some of the most common ones: 1. Mothers or Fathers: Mothers and fathers are the ultimate judge figures. 2. Mother or Father Figures: Mother and father figures have the same and sometimes even more power than actual mothers and fathers— especially, if the biological mother or father was absent or a poor parent. Or, if the mother or father figure is a high-value person you can look up to. 3. Older Brothers/Sisters: It’s not uncommon to want the approval of an older sibling. 4. Intimate Partners: Intimate partners are most likely to become judges when they are more intelligent, more accomplished, or more experienced. 5. Coaches/Mentors/Sponsors: Mentors tend to possess many of the traits that can make for a “judge role,” such as being at a higher station in life or higher status, having more life accomplishments, having more knowledge, and having more experience. 6. Bosses: Anyone who has the power to direct your work or your life can become a judge. They can judge and assess your work, and they can make you emotionally dependent, if you let them (more on that a little later). 7. Public Opinion: The “judge” is a role, and roles are not always held by one specific person. Indeed, judges are quite often groups and, equally often, the nameless and faceless collective of people that reside within our own minds. Overall, it’s a good thing to care about what others think and feel about you. Those who do not care at all are often social rejects. However, there must be a balance, and there is a big difference between caring about what others think and letting others control us.

51

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You can get a free, in-depth guide on how judgment is used as a tool for emotional control at The Power Moves website: https://thepowermoves.com/the-judge-role-inpower-dynamics/. Lucio Buffalmano, “The Definitive Dictionary of Power: Terms & Definitions,” The Power Moves, July 27, 2020, https://thepowermoves.com/dictionary-of-power/#Judge.

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Here’s an example of a covert judge power move to give you an idea of what this looks like.

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1. “That’s Why I Like You.” This sounds like a compliment, but it’s nothing more than judgment (even if it sounds positive, positive judgment is still a form of judgment). Remember, it’s the more powerful individual who judges others (who takes the “judge role”). The person who says they like you is passing judgment over you. They’re saying that you’re doing a good enough job to earn their approval, hence why they like you. That makes it look like they have the power to judge and assess you, and, if you’re not careful with how you respond, it could look like you want their approval—which makes you look weak. Beating This Judge Covert Power Move: You can effectively beat this covert power move by playing it back. For example, let’s say you and your friends are trying to organize a party but you can’t figure out a specific date and time where everyone’s schedules line up. That’s partly because some of your friends don’t know if they’ll be available on some of the dates and times you’re suggesting. So, you propose an idea to the group. You say you can set a date and time for a couple of weeks out and that, instead of trying to figure out how to make the party work with everyone’s schedules, they can do their best to work their schedules around the set date of the party. If anyone needs help making it work as you get closer to the date, they can let you know and you’ll do your best to figure something out. Your friend, who’s sitting next to you, looks at you, puts his hand on your shoulder, and says, “That’s why I like this guy. He is such a great planner for our parties.” Now, the frame is that you gained his approval and acceptance by doing all of the work for everyone else (people pleaser, anyone?) and now he’s “rewarding” you with that positive judgment.

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So, here’s what you can do. DO THIS:

Mimic the body language of the attacker, but reframe it positively for you. So, in this example, touch him back, look away as you point at him, and say, “Ahaha this guy, he always knows how to recognize great ideas…That’s why I like him.” When the attacker said, “He is such a great planner for our parties,” the frame throughout the group is that you work for the group. So, you put a positive spin on that original frame by saying, “He always knows how to recognize great ideas,” which changes the perception to “I come up with great ideas.” Far more positive for your power and status within the group. In saying that, you subtly call out his move to push you down with his game. At the same time, you put yourself back on even footing with him by passing judgment of your own. 2. The “Judge’s Reward” Power Move Lucio once shared a LinkedIn post with his community that depicts this power move very well. Here’s what a manager said to her employee, and as you read this, think about how it feels to you: “On Monday, we are saying goodbye for a short period of time…Maria has done an amazing job in filling a lot of our International Expansion and European markets roles…For that reason, we are giving Maria an opportunity to work in Brazil for the next three months to support the growth of the business! It’s an amazing opportunity for her and one that she is fully embracing.”

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If it feels somewhat off and patronizing, maybe slightly annoying, too, then chances are you are starting to develop the “feel” for covert judge power moves (and power dynamics overall). When the manager said, “She has done an amazing job…For that reason, we are giving her an opportunity to work in Brazil for the next three months,” he’s really saying, “I assessed and judged her work. And, I’ve determined that she has done an amazing job (and I am the final judge on that)…so, now, we’re giving her this little reward. And, if she keeps doing an amazing job—a job good enough to keep earning our approval—we’ll keep giving her rewards like these.” How patronizing is that? It’s the equivalent of the dog’s treat. “You be a good little girl, and I’ll give you a little reward (treat).” To begin with, the covert frame is that Maria needs them to go to Brazil, or else she wouldn’t be able to. And, on top of that, they put a stopwatch of three months on her after which she supposedly “has” to come back home to big daddy. (How about instead Maria quits and finds her own job wherever she likes?) Plus, the “gift” they’re giving is conditional on Maria doing her job the way they like it done. It implies that if she stops doing the job the way they like it, she’ll lose their approval and lose their rewards. It’s extremely disempowering because that means their “rewards” come with strings attached—or, shall we say, with a leash attached. Women are generally more aware of covert power moves than men are, and the lady in this example was no exception. She caught on to the oppressive power move, and Lucio noticed that she made sure to take action to negate the boss’s absolute power over her. Her response was, “Thank you for your kind words! I am so happy to get the great opportunity to work in Brazil. We will see if it is just for a short period of time [wink emoji]. Wonderful to work for [the name of their division].”

That implies that how long her assignment will last is up to her. It denies the extent of his authority over her. Is she even implying that she’s got the power to quit the company and find something better in Brazil? Possibly…But, then she ends on a positive note, confirming her loyalty, thus ending with a more positive, warm tone. A great move mixing power (which re-empowered her) with high warmth from her positive and collaborative frame. Now that was a truly amazing job. Moving on with more of Lucio’s eye-opening work on advanced social skills. MICROAGGRESSIONS

Microaggressions are the “little everyday power moves” that we sometimes have to deal with. We define microaggressions as:

“Aggressions, insults, or generally value and power-taking social behavior expressed in covert or indirect ways, and characterized by low to moderate intensities of aggression.”53

In other words, it’s the disrespectful communication you might get from others that, if you let it slip, make you look weak. But, if you deal with it aggressively, you become the “bad guy” who’s either too aggressive or too touchy, even if they started it. An example of a microaggression is value-taking joking and teasing. Someone can’t, for example, yell at you that you’re an idiot in front of the whole team you’re both a part of (which would be high aggression and directness) and

53

Did you catch how she reclaimed her power back? She said, “We will see if it’s just for a short period of time.”

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Lucio Buffalmano, “Micro-Aggressions & Social Calibration,” The Power Moves, June 16, 2021, https://thepowermoves.com/courses/power-university/lessons/socialskills-advanced/topic/micro-aggressions-social-calibration/#What_Is_A_Microaggression.

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then credibly pretend that they were “just joking.” But, they can tease you by implying that you’re an idiot and then pretend they were “just joking.” This might not be as value-taking as the direct assault option, but it’s still damaging.

Well, here’s how the effective social strategist responds to microaggressions. (And, if you happen to have a friend like Max, it wouldn’t hurt to share these strategies with him so he can handle things like a pro.)

The mistake many people make when they’re dealing with microaggressions is they answer to it with high aggression. Microaggressions are often seen as low forms of aggression (so much so that they can easily be passed off as “just messing around”). So, even if the microaggression was hurtful, responding to it with aggression will be seen as overreacting.

1. The Surfacing Technique

That can make you look like you’re thin-skinned, touchy, or a fool for taking a “joke” so seriously (and a smart power player will certainly do their best to make you look like a fool).

A personal favorite of mine, the surfacing technique consists of drawing them out of their cover. Why? Because you want to remove their cover and show their true intent. You want to show them for the nasty players they are. You can execute this technique with very simple and neutral questions. S AY T H I S :

Let’s say you went out with some friends and one of them makes these negative jokes that are in poor taste quite often. This person’s name is Eric, and one night, he says to your other friend Max, “Ahaha, good to see Max tonight. It took a free dinner to make him come out!” This person’s comment implies that Max is stingy and/or poor (hence why he’s so tight with his pockets). If that comment gets under Max’s skin, he might overreact, saying, “Excuse me? What are you implying? I spend as much money as anyone else here. Take that back and apologize.” If you’re following, you know what comes next. “Dude, relax man, it was just a joke, what are you getting so hot about? We’re just joking here.” Unless Max addresses what the “microaggressor” said effectively (by using advanced social skills), that microaggressor can keep retreating under the cover of it only being a “joke” while the matter goes unresolved. This microaggressive “friend,” Eric, could also keep the “funny” jokes coming. And if Max doesn’t have the tools to deal with them, he can become a social punching bag. He might even explode or get overly angry. And, if that happens, Max doesn’t exactly come out of it too well—he’s the butt of the jokes, gets too hot headed, and even ends up ruining the meal for everyone.

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• • •

“What do you mean by that?” “I don’t get it, why are you saying that?” “What’s the irony in that joke? I’m missing it.”

Ask them to explain their “joke.” The more they explain and dig deeper into what their joke really means, the more they expose how negative what they were really saying is, which is exactly what you want. 2. Shame Them with Vulnerability Lucio has loved this option ever since a member of the TPM community came up with it.54 Most people who are victims of microaggressions focus on attacking back, but, a great technique is to not attack back but instead use the power of vulnerability.

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Thank you, John Freeman! John used it at work with a superior of his, and this technique is especially good in those instances because it’s politically risky to attack back or to challenge them and disempower them too directly.

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Here are some examples of how that can look: DO THIS:

Now, it looks more like that negative friend is the type of person who throws money away for short-term gratification while Max looks more like a man working on his dreams. Now, that’s how you handle a microaggression with a classy one-up back.

Pause, look like you’re mulling it over and potentially saddened, and say, “I feel it’s rude to make fun of me like that.” Then, if necessary, add later, “I treat you well. Or at least, that’s my goal. I don’t see why you should play these games with me.” With a response like that, the friend making mean jokes is now revealed to be what he is: a mean power-taker looking to push you down. It’s now up to him to either backtrack or continue being mean. Especially in a close friend group, most people will backtrack, defend, apologize, or change their joke to make it less value-taking. And it’s very powerful when they backtrack without you even directly asking for it.55

Mastering microaggressions is extremely important for your social success. Microaggressions are not as damaging as the other types of power moves out there on their own, but they do happen more frequently. Letting too many microaggressions go is the social equivalent of death by a thousand cuts. (While one cut might not destroy your social status, several of them most certainly will.) I know that microaggressions are annoying and sometimes tedious to deal with, but, it’s well within your capability to handle them with assertiveness instead of aggression, given time and practice. And, for your long-term success, it’s well worth it.56 Here’s a quick summary of this chapter. •

3. Change It Into a Positive

•

In this example, imagine this exchange. Eric: “Ahaha, good to see Max tonight. It took a free dinner to make him come out!”

•

Max: (Replying cool headedly) “Yeah man, I am looking to save indeed. I think it’s important to save and invest in your dreams.”

•

Then, if Max felt like taking it a step further, he could also add, “I’m not into throwing money down the drain with drinks and random girls.”

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This is due to social effort and social ROI—the more results you can get with less effort, the higher-power you are.

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A power move is anything someone does that affects the flow of power in a given setting. People may try to pull a value-taking power move on you to channel the power away from you toward them, leaving you lower-power and lower status (and, low-value, as a result). They may try to pull these power moves by judging you or by knocking you down a peg socially while hiding behind a cover such as it only being a “joke.” To resolve these covert power moves masterfully, use any of the techniques in this chapter. (Or, grab the free guides with all of the techniques you can use to deal with power moves. You can get them in the footnotes of this chapter.)

You can get a free, in-depth guide on 10 techniques to deal with microaggressions at The Power Moves website: https://thepowermoves.com/microaggression/.

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Now you know about covert power moves, an eye-opening lesson for many. Remember not to go too overboard. Many people are being honest with their apologies or support. To decide who is who, and what’s more honest or more value-taking, you must look at the context and your past history with the individual. Now, here are your action steps. Action Steps: #1. Develop habits that help you manage your emotions well. One good habit that can help you be less emotionally reactive to power moves is meditation.

book, you’ll learn more advanced social skills you can use to replace your current areas for improvement.) After you’ve completed the action steps for this chapter, we’ll be moving on to a topic called frame control. You’ll learn how to identify persuasion opportunities in conversation, how to communicate to capitalize on those opportunities, and the techniques to convince people to accept your point of view (with exactly what to say). This is powerful for negotiating relationships, business deals, and anything else you want in life that requires the “yes” of another person. You’ll also get a free guide on the 10 frame control techniques to out-frame anyone, anytime.

#2. Analyze your past interactions and relationships. Especially the ones where you lost power, attraction, or status. Were there covert power moves or judge power dynamics that you might’ve missed? Write down your own analyses of your past interactions and relationships, and include how you could have handled each one better. #3. Analyze and record your social interactions, especially ones that include power moves. Start a journal. Preferably, a brand new one dedicated to the sole purpose of analyzing your social interactions. Do your best to recall and write down what happened, how you handled it, and how you feel you could’ve handled it better. The sooner after the interaction you can write your analysis, the better. Feel free to use this book as a reference point to determine how you could improve moving forward. (As you move forward throughout the rest of this

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CHAPTER 5 HOW TO WIN MORE NEGOTIATIONS WITH ADVANCED FRAME CONTROL TECHNIQUES

I attended a speech once by Mae C. Jemison, the first woman of color to go to space. At the end of her speech was a meet and greet. I waited in line for 15 minutes only to have the gatekeeper tell me that my ticket was not a meet and greet ticket and only guaranteed me a seat at her speech. I walked away disappointed, because it was too late to get new tickets, and I didn’t want to hold up the long line. After walking away, I realized that this was an opportunity to try out what I had learned about advanced social skills so far. I got back in line and reapproached the gatekeeper. She recognized me but had a pleasant smile on her face. (I was expecting a more judgmental facial expression, considering she had already turned me away once before.) I looked her in the eyes and said, “I know I was just here and I don’t have a meet and greet ticket, but have you ever made an exception?”

You’re getting close to the end of this book! If you keep at it, it won’t be long now before you’re building relationships that leave you more fulfilled, happy, and successful. In the last chapter, you learned about covert power moves. You learned that these hidden power moves can lower your status and knock you down to the low-power brackets of the stereotype content model, if you’re not careful. You also learned some ways of dealing with those power moves to keep your status intact. Power-taking and value-taking covert power moves will lower your status, so, if you only skimmed over that last chapter, it’s essential that you go back and give it a proper read.

I was now leaning a bit on the railing to my left, holding unbreakable eye contact with her. (This is called “locking in,” and it makes you look more dominant, which helps you come across as more high-power. Taking positions that appear comfortable is more leaderlike than positions that appear nervous, anxious, or uncomfortable.) She gave me a warm smile and said something along the lines of, “We’re not really allowed to do that. We have a contract with Ms. Jemison that she’s only willing to take pictures with everyone who buys a meet and greet ticket.” When she “shot me down,” the people behind me heard and started laughing. Personally, I felt like they were laughing at me because they had all bought their tickets and here I was, trying to negotiate my way inside for free.

Similarly, if you haven’t done the action steps for the last chapter yet, do them before moving on to this one.

I turned back to the gatekeeper and said, “Look, I completely understand, and if I were in your shoes, I would feel the same way. Would it be possible to make one exception this time?”

“Everything in life can be negotiated.” —Milton Steinbach Professor at Yale, Barry Nalebuff

I leaned back on the railing as we locked eyes for what was at least eight seconds (looking back, I’m surprised neither of us blinked). Since everyone in line was behind me and she was the gatekeeper standing opposite of us, it started to look like it was all of us against her. From the outside looking in, as

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the social pressure built up in that long silence, one could easily view the situation as all of them silently shaming her for not letting one guy get a picture in—which now made her look like the “heartless woman” holding up the line. I tilted my head to the side a little bit, a slight nonverbal sign of submissiveness to balance out the rest of my dominant body language and communication, so as to not come across like I’m trying to “overpower” her (especially, when I have no tangible leverage here). The social pressure began to really build up in the eye contact and silence of those eight seconds. In hindsight, Lucio also gave me some great feedback on this interaction. Among the things he said, he mentioned that a different approach would’ve been to nudge the gatekeeper with more of a joking frame. For example, a smile and a half-joking “please please” would have preserved rapport, increased my warmth, and still delivered an effective nudge.

So, what can we learn from this experience? The initial lens the gatekeeper saw the situation through was that there was a guy trying to get access to an opportunity he was not allowed to have (which is not a wrong view of the situation). But, with the way I handled the situation, I was able to influence her lens so she could see the situation differently. She started to see the situation as, “Here is a respectful guy with a dream, trying to pursue an opportunity we all want, and I’m being cold-hearted and cruel toward him.” That story leveraged more advanced social skills than we have the space to teach in this book. However, in this chapter, you will get a myriad of extensive, effective, well-thought out techniques to get incredible wins for yourself without needing to know all of the surrounding skill sets yet. And, one of these skills of influencing people’s lenses is called “frame control.” Lucio calls these “lenses” people use to view the world “frames”:

And he’s totally right. Next time I’ll know even better. “A frame is a set of beliefs, values, perspectives, and personal predispositions with which people filter and interpret the world.”57

Luckily, you don’t need perfection. She finally looked at me and said, “You’re breaking my heart,” and in a low voice said, “go,” while she nodded towards the entrance behind her. I thanked her, and, as a result, I got an exclusive picture with the first woman of color to go to space—for free. Today, I also would’ve offered to pay for that meet and greet. I was extra eager back then, but today I now know that these advanced social skills should not be used irresponsibly. Negotiating my way in for free was a great example that the strategies you’re learning here work, but experience taught me that it also wasn’t very cool of me to do so. So, my approach is always to find ways to make my situations win-win. And, even if paying afterward wasn’t possible, that would’ve been a strategic offer to show that I was willing to give in order to get—so I wouldn’t be framed as a value-taker—but also so I could be more fair to the others in line who paid for the opportunity as well as to the gatekeeper.

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If you’ve been sticking with us so far, you might’ve noticed that I like to give simplified versions of the scientific, advanced definitions that Lucio gives. Having a more basic definition so I could start developing a basic understanding especially helped me when I first started out. I refer to a frame as a “lens,” and I define a lens as “the way with which we view the world and situations within it.” So, the same way one person could view me as selfish for negotiating my way into an exclusive meet-up with a celebrity without paying, another person could view me as a hard-working go-getter, doing whatever he can to get what he wants in life even when he’s been rejected before. It all depends on how 57

Lucio Buffalmano, “Frames 101: Understanding Frames,” The Power Moves, June 16, 2021, https://thepowermoves.com/courses/power-university/lessons/frames-101understanding-frames/.

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you choose to see things. It depends on your lens through which you view the world and situations within the world. Anyone’s lens can be influenced so they see things differently. When you know how to influence other people’s lenses so you can get more out of life, you can do exactly that. As an example, I used to be the co-owner of a professional cleaning company before I stepped down to start my own business. Back then, we were working with another company that helped us get leads for a fee through their paid service. They’d send us the leads, we’d pay for the lead, and if we were able to turn that lead into a client, that company who sent us the lead would keep the money we paid for it. If we weren’t able to turn that lead into business, we would get a “credit” so we could try our hand with another lead. One day, we had a situation where we paid for a lead, went out to give the homeowner a free estimate, and the homeowner told us it was her 70-year-old, mentally ill father who accidentally put out the request for our services. They would not be requiring our services, especially since they were soon moving to a different state. We checked our business bank account and also noticed that the lead company charged us about $107 to cover the bill for our past leads, even though they weren’t supposed to have our card on file at the time. My business partner let me know what was going on, and I told him to leave it to me. I started by calling the lead company, and a customer service agent picked up the phone. They put me through to their supervisor. When their supervisor answered, she pulled up my business and my profile on her computer. She noticed that we’d been working with them for three years. When she saw that we’d been with them for so long, her voice tonality changed noticeably, and she sounded more open to hearing what I had to say. After reading up to here, try to guess, why the change? 110 L U C I O B U F F A L M A N O A N D A L I S C A R L E T T

Because working together for so long showed that we had been giving value to her company for quite some time and that we’d been in a win-win relationship for years. We’d been positioned as value-givers in her mind. So, I let her know the situation and asked for a refund. Her response was that they actually reached out to that same homeowner after we gave our estimate. That homeowner went with a different company and even left the other company a review. Then, she told me they have a no-refund policy anyway. So, what is the frame here? What is the implied subcommunication? The lens that the supervisor seemed to be viewing this situation through was that it was our fault for not securing the business of that lead, so they shouldn’t have to pay us for incompetency on our end. If I didn’t do something to influence her lens—if I didn’t do something to change the way she saw the situation—I would get denied the refund. One of the most counterproductive ways to negotiate is to contradict the person who holds most of the decision-making power to determine whether or not you get what you want. Saying, “No, you’re wrong,” would’ve only resulted in an escalation or a rejection or both. (Especially, since they get calls looking for refunds all the time.) So, I said, “Alright, I think I understand. Look, the problem that I see here isn’t really the customer, it’s our relationship. Our businesses are built on providing value in exchange for money. In this case, we gave you money, but received no value, which affects the win-win part of our partnership. And, some money was deducted from our bank account that we weren’t prepared for, because our card isn’t supposed to be on file. So, we love you guys, we’ve been with you for years. But, we can’t really move forward with you with our financials the way it is. So, what can we do to fix this?” In this case, I adjusted the focus of her lens from focusing on the money she’d be losing (by giving a refund) to the money she’d be gaining in the future by “helping us move forward with them.”

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She put me on hold then came back with a good chunk of money for us. However, it was only enough to resolve the issue of the homeowner. There was still the issue of the past few charges they made to the card that they weren’t supposed to have on file. So, I continued the negotiation and asked about the remaining amount. She said, “Oh, so, were you looking for a refund for that, too?” I say, “Well, actually, that’s up to you. Like I said, we’ve been with [name of their company] for years now. Pretty much since our business first opened in late 2017, we’ve been with you guys, so you guys have really been with us since day one. We love your services, so we trust you completely to do what’s fair. It’s up to you.” She puts me on hold again, then came back with more money. That last line worked because it shifted the focus of her lens again from the money she’d be losing by giving another refund to helping maintain her company’s positive reputation as “someone we’ve been with and trusted for years whose services we love.” She naturally made the call that helped secure the interest of the company while still giving me what I wanted.

In the second example, I got a full refund on hundreds of dollars for my company in a matter of minutes. Because of their fairness, they recouped far from what they gave over the course of our relationship. I effectively negotiated the deal to be positive for both parties. You might be thinking, ”This is all well and good, but what exact techniques can I use right now to get what I want in life and win more negotiations?” Well, you can negotiate both relationships and deals in your business or career. Oftentimes, when you’re looking for others to view you as high-power, you’re also negotiating the way they view the world so they can view you as highpower. You’re influencing their lens so they see you as being a high-value, high-power individual. Those same negotiation techniques (which will be referred to here throughout as frame control techniques) are effective for negotiating deals as well. So, on that note, we’ll go back to Lucio’s work to give you some specific, practical techniques to persuade others to give you what you want, treat you fairly, and communicate with you respectfully.

She wins because her company gains my future business and maintains a positive reputation with a value-giving customer. And, as we said before, I win because I get my money back. Win-win relationships lead to the most success.

HIGH-QUALITY FRAMES AND FRAME CONTROL TECHNIQUES

I used to think that, to be persuasive, you needed to know all of the techniques and strategies of top negotiators. That certainly helps, but now I know that no matter what fancy trick you use, nothing is more powerful than helping the other side see the situation as a win for them.

As a kid, I used to think that when someone said something hurtful, there was nothing you could do except say something even more hurtful back so you could “win.” If you couldn’t think of something more hurtful than what they’d said, that meant you “lost” and had to live with whatever offensive insult they called you.

In the first example, I positioned myself as a high-power individual with dominant communication and high-warmth enough to help her save face. I effectively negotiated for the relationship. Had I shown myself to be a weak, passive value-taker, she likely would’ve given a hard “no,” and possibly been right to do so.

Now, I believe you don’t need to hit back to come out of it on top. You can adjust the way others view what the hurtful person says and does to help keep your status. You can actually influence the lens through which people view a situation so you can look good where you might have otherwise looked “weak.”

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Here are some ways how. 1. Frame Ignoring (i.e., Ignore It) Ignoring works well in a multitude of situations. For that reason, we might consider it the “all-season workhorse” of frame control. I’d go as far as to recommend whenever you don’t know what to say or do, ignore it and/or move on. Not because it’s always the best technique, of course, but because even when ignoring is not the best option, it often limits the damage. If you do it well, it often makes you seem superior. For example, imagine some guy is trying to mess with you by a pool. This is the exchange that takes place. Him: “Hey dude, did you borrow your swimsuit from your grandma or what?” You: (Glances in his general direction) “Hey man, what’s up?” Then, turn away and ignore them. Notice from this example that “ignoring” refers to ignoring the frame (the implied frame here being that you have a poorly fashioned swimsuit). It’s not necessarily about ignoring the individual. Frame ignoring doesn’t really mean that you pretend nobody said or did anything. You often want to acknowledge the individual while ignoring the frame. Ignoring something you obviously heard or saw can look weird on your part and can sub-communicate that you’re panicking and don’t know what to do.

DO THIS:

Look in their general direction, make very brief eye contact, nod up, and acknowledge they said something. But, ignore the actual content of what they said. Then, go back to what you were doing (even if that was just staring into space). Ignoring is a great technique, but it’s also much more than only a technique. It’s a mindset and an approach to life (as well as life success and pleasure). If you want to achieve anything worthwhile in life, you need to focus on a few important things. That also means you must ignore a bunch of other things that take your time and focus away. The same applies to people. The higher-value you become, the less time you will have for everyone. Once you join the top 10 percent, the lower 90 percent are less likely to give to someone they feel already has a lot of value and are more likely to take because you have a lot of value to potentially give them. That means that you must de-prioritize a lot of people in your life. That’s why sometimes you see stars hiding away and just ignoring everyone. Almost every random guy is taking from them. It’s not meanness, it’s just effectiveness. As you become higher-value, everyone gains value from your work, including the vast majority of people (the 90 percent who aren’t yet at the top with you). Also, ignoring allows you to soar higher. Overreacting or letting anyone drag you down into a nasty “frame battle” is the equivalent of allowing them to drag you down to the bottom with them and pin you there.

If the frame was a social attack like in the example above, ignoring the attacker completely might make him feel like he needs to up his aggression to get your attention, and that might lead to a vicious cycle of escalation.

When you ignore them, their frames, or the nastiest part of their frames, you soar higher.

Instead, ignore their frame without completely ignoring the person.

Ignoring can also be used to ignore an accusation and unkind tone from an angry aggressor.

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For example, imagine someone says, “This is so idiotic. How can you even come up with such crap?”

You can also use this “frame-refusal technique” when someone uses an inappropriate tone.

A good technique is to avoid the word “I,” which makes it about you. Instead, respond with, “Wow, you seem really angry, man. You must feel very strongly about this.”

Imagine for example they are being disrespectful toward you. Their implied frame would be that they can speak to you disrespectfully and you have to accept it. And, instead of getting dragged into that poor, disempowering frame, you openly tell them that you will not entertain their words until they can speak to you more respectfully.

Compare that with how most people would reply, such as, “I am not an idiot.” When you keep it with “you” instead, staying factual and unemotional, you keep the anger issue with them, and you stay away from their anger-fueled frame. 2. Refuse (i.e., “Keep Your Hands Clean”) The effects of this method are similar to frame ignoring in the sense that you never entertain their frame. The difference is that, rather than ignoring it, you either: • •

Refuse to enter their frame with open and direct verbal refusal, or Refuse to enter their frame through your actions

For example, one way you can use the “refuse” frame control technique is by refusing to answer. Say, you’re in an interview and the interviewer asks, “Do you believe in God?” The implied frame is that you should reply to their questions and have an opinion on whatever they ask you. But, that’s a frame that disempowers you because it takes away your freedom to decide for yourself what you will and will not do or talk about. So, you can respond by saying, “This is a topic that I’d rather not get into right now.” And, in refusing their frame that way, you set a new one. You can choose what to reply to, and, right now, you choose not to answer this question. You’re not ignoring the frame like before, but by refusing it, you’re still avoiding getting yourself dragged into it.

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You refuse their frame and set your own—that you are worthy of fair treatment and respectful communication. 3. Framing Buffet (i.e., Pick What Suits You Best) The frame-buffet technique consists of picking and choosing something within people’s frame that best suits your frame control goals. When other people’s frames get heated or personal, our natural tendency is to reply to what grabbed the most attention and/or to what hurt the most. It takes emotional fortitude to remain unreactive and lucid, and pick instead what’s most conducive to your goals. This is how emotionally strong people control the frame. From a frame control point of view, remaining unaffected grants you the power to decide whether to reply at all (“frame ignoring”) or what to reply to (“frame buffet”). For example, if someone attacks you, you can ignore the aggressive packaging of their frame and choose not to defend. Instead, you can address the content of their frame as if it were a normal comment. Or, more than picking what part of their comment to respond to, you can even pick the meaning that you prefer. As an example from a recent episode in Lucio’s life, he was working out in the gym in a very hot country one day and had removed his shoes. But, using the gym without shoes was against their policy. So, when a gym employee walked in, this is what happened.

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Employee: “Where are your shoes, sir?” Lucio: “Oh, hey, hi. Yes, I put them there.” (Points to his shoes) What the employee meant was, “You’re not wearing your shoes, and you must have them on.” So, if Lucio would’ve answered the correct meaning, there would only be one course of action: to wear his shoes and kill his feet in the sweltering heat. Instead, he answered the question literally, and with some high-confidence tonality and body language, that’s where it ended58. Also, notice the “hi, yes,” which is a “bridge.” It increases warmth and maintains rapport. And promptly answering the gym employee and pointing to the shoes protects his power as the one in charge. As if to say, “Yes, I see you, I acknowledge you and your authority to inquire about the shoes, and I’m answering to you right away.” Also notice that when Lucio points to the shoes and says “there,” the sub-communication is “I did bring them, they’re here, close by, I walked in with them,” and it implies “I just took them off.” This should already tell you a lot about the intricacies of power dynamics, frame control, and compliance as well as your opportunities to influence the world by improving your social skills. There can be a bridge between reality and what you want reality to be. Empowering yourself with advanced social skills is empowering yourself to walk across that bridge. Now, technically, Lucio is still not fully complying, but by phrasing it the way he did, it seems like a smaller deal, and it’s far more respectful to the employee.

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This is why during the COVID-19 pandemic of 2020, people who wore their masks below their noses or even on their neck still got far more leeway than people who wore no masks at all. It’s because the former, albeit equally useless as no mask at all, still feels “closer to compliance” and is more power-protecting for the authorities. As Lucio said, mask-wearing was sadly sometimes more about power dynamics and compliance than actual health. 4. Reframe (i.e., Change the Meaning) “Reframing” consists of changing the meaning of an event, action, or expression. In simpler terms, you reinterpret the frame in a way that it changes the meaning and consequences of that frame. An example is worth a thousand words, so here’s one from Lucio, straight from his perspective in Power University. I exchanged numbers with a match on a dating app, and it took some back and forth before she got it right. So as soon as she managed to find me on WhatsApp, she told me that I “gave her the wrong number” and used an eye-rolling emoji. What use do I have for that frame? Absolutely none. Not only is it a useless, drag-down complaint (which is a small strike against her), but it’s also a potentially dangerous frame. You don’t want to descend into a competitive battle as to who’s fault something is early on in an interaction, because early interactions are very fragile. So, I responded by saying, “And, we still managed to connect in spite of it. I think it’s destiny,” with a smiling emoji. I changed the

This is more specifically referred to as the “frame changing technique: change the meaning of the frame.”

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meaning from “someone did something wrong” to “in spite of a mistake, we still found each other…It’s destiny.”

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She responded with a laugh and a happy emoji that kept our interaction positive and moving in the right direction.

Lucio says it’s a cheeky move that’s more on the playful side. You don’t need the exact same words or style, but you can learn from the approach around frame control. In this case, going from confrontational to collaborative win-win. 4.2. Reframe (i.e., Change the Question) Another way of reframing is to change the question someone asks you. When someone asks you a question with an implied bad frame, you can choose not to answer that question but instead ask yourself a new question that’s somewhat similar to what they initially asked but that better suits your needs. For example, imagine that, at a loud party, this exchange takes place between a girl and a guy. Girl: “Where are you from?” Guy: “Heaven.” Girl: (With a straight-faced attitude) “Do people say things like that to people?” Guy: “When they’re joking around and flirting sometimes. Yes.” Girl: “Has that worked in the past?” Guy: “As in, has it amused me in the past? Yes.”

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Note from the Authors: This works here because she expended lots of effort to find Lucio’s correct number, so her interest was already “proven.” Otherwise, talking about “destiny” too early gives too much interest or power away.

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The initial question implied that he is gaming and chasing girls, a bad frame. And, whether he replied “yes” or “no” to that question, he would have remained within that frame. So, instead, he asks himself a new and better question that sets a much better frame for him. That new frame implies that he is not gaming and chasing girls, but that he is just out to have some fun. That’s some great question reframing. 5. Philosopher’s Frame (i.e., Make Your Frame Too General to Be Attacked) This is one of my absolute favorite frame control techniques. If you do this well, you (almost) can’t lose. The philosopher’s frame is unassailable because it stays away from strong commitments and refuses to be forced into labels or black and white boxes. Here’s an example: Someone: “The foreigners come to our country and take our jobs. It is our country, we must secure our borders, and we should have more rights.” You: “I don’t know man. Some say that a country is an imaginary line that shifts around over time, and they have a point. People have been moving around the world, countryless, for millions of years. It’s hard to say who truly belongs anywhere if we go back long enough.” You refuse the frame, and you embrace a rather liberal political line that is about “freedom of movement.” At the same time, you also avoid strong commitments such as “no, they bring value,” which would both break more rapport and be harder to defend. And you share general truths that make your frame hard to attack. If he wants to continue debating you from that point, it’s now up to him to define “what it means to belong,” which is challenging, or to deny that people have been moving around for millions of years, which is indisputable. Let’s take another example, on the opposite side of the political spectrum. T H E S O C I A L S T R A T E G I S T  121

Someone: “If people complain that immigrants are stealing their jobs, it means they’re really bad at their jobs.”

disagreeing by communicating understanding. Then, I redirected the conversation away from being about the refund and toward being about their business relationship, which was more of a win-win frame for that situation.

You: “Well, on one hand you’re right. But, it depends on who we’re talking about. Highly skilled workers will be OK indeed, and some owners will even gain. But, people lower in socio-economic status tend to suffer more from labor competition. When everyone can do a certain task and more people chase the same jobs, that weakens the laborers’ negotiating power and puts downward pressure on salaries.”

In my celebrity meet-up example, I used the “exception-seeking” frame control technique. Once again, rather than contradicting the gatekeeper by saying, “No, you should let me in,” I avoided disagreeing by communicating understanding. I didn’t contradict her but simply asked if she could make an exception.

Now you’re taking a conservative stance against his liberal stance. But, again, you’re not saying outright you’re against immigration or that immigration is bad for the locals. And you’re not attacking him directly saying that he’s a limousine liberal and it’s easy for him to say that from his comfy penthouse. You make it instead about the general concept of supply and demand, which, again, is very hard to refute. He has no easy way to dismantle your stance or prove you wrong because you share a general, proven truth that also sounds sensible and well thought through. The philosopher frame also allows you to disagree while maintaining rapport. Clinical psychologist, Jordan Peterson, often uses different forms of philosopher’s frames. That technique is one of the reasons why, for a period of time during his ascent to fame and notoriety, Peterson escaped labels and could reach many different people, including conservatives and liberals alike. 6. Win-Win Frames (i.e., Moving for Win-Win) Coming back around from my story about the lead-generation partner company and my cleaning company, that was a win-win type of frame. Winwin frames are part of the basic strategies for social, business, and general life success. In that example, I used the “agree and redirect” frame control technique to negotiate for a win-win. Rather than saying, “No, you’re wrong,” I avoided

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Indeed, a great persuader rarely contradicts their target. Rather, they effectively negotiate by strategically agreeing whenever possible. Now that we’ve covered win-win frames in business, let’s see a win-win frame done well in a relationship example. In Lucio’s course teaching advanced social skills,60 a student of his wanted some advice on a tricky situation. Someone with a poor attitude and character tried to frame him as needy in front of his girlfriend. This negative person (who we could call a “value-taker” since, at its most fundamental of the definition, he’s making someone’s life worse off with his behavior) said to the student’s girlfriend, “Oh my God, he is so romantic and does so many things for you. For most couples, it would be considered really needy, but it’s great to see how you take care of her so much.” Do you see what this value-taker did there? Notice that he mentions that the boyfriend’s behavior is generally considered needy and that he’s doing most (if not all) of the giving in his relationship. The value-taker never says a word about any of the giving his girlfriend might be doing. So, that makes it look like the boyfriend is the kind of person who tolerates and accepts win-lose relationships that leave him drained. It frames him as the type of person who

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You can get a free preview of the course this book is based on, Power University, at The Power Moves: https://thepowermoves.com/courses/power-university/lessons/ power-university-welcome-lesson/.

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lets value-takers into his life and—as harsh as this may sound—is so needy he maintains that costly relationship with his “leech” of a girlfriend.61

unacceptable,” no matter what. There can be no negotiation, no compromise, no win-win—my way, or get out of my way.

The speaker is taking value by making this boyfriend look like a weak and needy individual who accepts unhealthy relationships. Remember that, in the long run, win-lose relationships where one is only taking and the other is doing all of the giving are unhealthy, as we briefly discussed in Chapter One. Accepting and staying in win-lose relationships is low-value behavior.

The first time someone crosses an important boundary of yours is when it’s most important that you enforce your frame the strongest. Any compromise early on by letting them “win” at all would leave the door open for future abuse and disrespect. Later on, once they step back, get defensive, and apologize, you can discuss your “rules of engagement.”

So, here’s how the boyfriend could respond: “Actually, that’s not true at all. We both do a lot for each other, and that’s why I like her.”

H O W TO I M P O S E YO U R F R A M E

The “that’s not true at all” starts out with a flat-out denial, puts his foot down, and grabs attention. Then, the last line re-establishes a healthy win-win. It self-frames him as the type of high-value person who filters for value-giving people in his life.

1. First, make sure you’re not defending an indefensible position.

Now, we said that win-win frames, whenever they are possible to achieve, tend to be superior for your life success. However, unfortunately, you will not always be able to go for win-win. And, sometimes, you shouldn’t.

Let’s see an example.

As you saw from the previous example, your response was a win for the student and a win for his relationship partner. But, it was not so much a win for the person who was trying to make him look bad. These are some of the situations when you want to impose your frame: – – – – –

You know for a fact you’re right (and someone is trying to prove you wrong). Someone is accusing you of a non-existent wrongdoing. The frame is a trap (a set-up meant to hurt you). Someone is crossing your boundaries. Someone is being abusive.

For example, Lucio says that being called offensive names is a boundary of his. And he will keep holding and imposing the frame that “calling me names is

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Some positions are indefensible because of taboos, public opinion, or cultural climate. You’re only hurting yourself by sticking to your guns in indefensible positions.

In Italy, the political system cracked under a wave of corruption scandals in the 1990s. Former prime minister Bettino Craxi was the biggest figure in the mess because evidence had begun to emerge that Craxi had pocketed large sums of money. And what did he do? He held the frame that he didn’t do anything wrong by stealing because “everyone else was doing it.” And then he went on frame imposing and refused to ever apologize or accept any of the blame—he even said that it was “a matter of principle.” That was a bad strategy and, with anti-political sentiment at its peak, a very poor time for imposing the frame that “you’re not guilty of corruption if everyone else is also corrupt.” And indeed, he became the poster child of a corrupt and entitled political class, a true lightning rod for people’s anger and rage. When he was brought to court, anti-riot police were necessary to defend him from the people’s anger.

Some people aptly call this attitude “white-knighting.”

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2. Deny the attacker’s authority over you.

To wrap up on this chapter, here’s a summary.

If the attacker is trying to judge you, you’d better reject their authority as a judge.

•

You can’t win the frame battle if you allow them the authority to question you, judge you, or take a “moral high ground” over you. If they become an authority over you, you lose.

•

So, attack their authority.

•

For example, when Trump defended against his infamous “grabbing comment,” he barely defended at all. Instead, he attacked Hillary Clinton for offering her legal services to rapists and attacked Bill Clinton for doing far worse—and the frame was that of words versus actions. That was very effective because it undermined the moral authority of the Clintons. In many people’s minds, what Trump said was not cool, but Hillary couldn’t manage to lead that charge because she didn’t have the authority anymore. So she gained very little points from Trump’s woes.

•

Here are your action steps. Action Steps: #1. Practice the mindsets in this chapter to avoid reacting to people’s frames. Practice internalizing beliefs that empower you to respond to people’s frames rather than react (or, worse, overreact) to their frames. Ditch your current programming and install the following beliefs:

By the way, this is true both from an actual power dynamics point of view and a mental point of view. You must reject their authority first and foremost within yourself. As the old saying goes, “If there is no enemy within, the enemy outside can do us no harm.”

• • •

3. Remain rock solid and don’t budge. You must believe you are right, and that’s why you are not going to yield. There are over 27 more frame control techniques you can use to persuade others and assert respectful communication from others. You can find some of those in the free guides in the footnotes of this chapter. With that said, you already have the core of what you need to know to get started on your journey to being a higher-power individual. You’re wellequipped to ace frames and get what you want out of life.

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A frame is a lens through which people view the world and, more importantly for you and this book, social situations. You can influence the lens people look through so they see you in a better light (so they see you as higher power). You can also influence people’s lenses so they see giving you a “yes” as a win for them. Frame control techniques can be used for negotiating business deals, relationship situations, and any opportunity for persuading others.

Go from, “I need to answer to people,” to, “No, I can ignore everything as I please.” Go from, “I need to respond to what someone said,” to, “No, if someone speaks nonsense, I can ignore, pick and choose, or set my own frame.” Go from, “I need to match the mood of my speaking partner,” to, “No, I can answer from my current state or bring my speaking partner to my state.”

#2. Study the 10 common frame control techniques at The Power Moves.62 This free article is particularly useful because Lucio shares some real-life examples in it. 62

You can get a free, in-depth guide to the 10 frame control techniques to out-frame anyone at The Power Moves website: https://thepowermoves.com/frame-control/.

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The examples, including videos, help you internalize this all-important skill of frame control and frame negotiations. As always, you’re welcome to share those ten techniques with your peers, friends, or team. Next, after your action steps, we’ll be wrapping up with the final chapter! You’ve come so far, I hope you’re rewarding yourself along the way—it’s important not only for your momentum and self-motivation but for your own personal well-being and mental health (something we strongly encourage you to take care of ).

CHAPTER 6 NEXT STEPS

So, reward yourself, complete the action steps, and we’ll see you at the finish line. You can smile knowing how much new empowering wisdom you’ve learned and, hopefully, are already applying and internalizing! To recap, we started this journey by learning about the social exchange. That’s where we learned that (social) value is anything that makes or has the potential to make us better off. And, we want to add people to our lives who give value and consider removing or avoiding anyone who takes value. Then, in Chapter Two, we learned about assertiveness. We learned that assertive people are typically viewed as higher-value, and we covered how to be more assertive as well as the mindsets and beliefs to internalize assertiveness and make it second nature. After that, we covered the stereotype content model in Chapter Three where we talked about being high-power and high-warmth because those are the types of people who tend to be the most socially successful—not to mention successful in life in general and happier. They’re the type of people everyone wants to be around. In Chapter Four, we went over covert power moves and how, when they’re used on you negatively and you don’t address them, they can push you down into the low-power bracket, oftentimes making you look weak while the power mover looks “better” than you. The more damaging the covert power

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move, the further into the low-power bracket you go and the more you want to address that power move with one of the techniques we shared. Finally, we covered frame control. We talked about using frame control to persuade and negotiate as well as to address covert power moves from value-taking individuals. It was the frame control chapter where we showed you how and when to move for win-win, as well as how you can get more out of life with practical, applicable frame control techniques. That final chapter is also where you might’ve noticed that the “everything in life can be negotiated” quote rings all the more true.63 Every strategy and action step you’ve picked up in this book is aimed at negotiating your power with others so you can become higher-power and get more out of life. Now that you have the foundational advanced social skills to get more out of life and your relationships, you can take it a step further by checking out Lucio’s website, The Power Moves.64 There, he summarizes thousands of studies into practical strategies for raising your social status, getting high-quality romantic partners, and reaching new financial heights of wealth. If you ever wished to join the top one percent of society, his free guides and training on social strategies are for you. If, on the other hand, you’re comfortable with how much you’ve learned from this book and now want to continue forward by moving beyond social skills and more toward social strategies to network with the world’s elites, pick up a free chapter of my bestselling book on strategic business networking, The Clever Connector Second Edition.65

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You can get free examples and case studies of how the strategies in this book have been used to win more negotiations at The Power Moves: https://thepowermoves.com/ forum/topic/how-power-intelligence-helped-you-in-life-concrete-examples/. You can get a free preview of the course this book is based on, Power University, at The Power Moves: https://thepowermoves.com/courses/power-university/lessons/ power-university-welcome-lesson/. You can get a free chapter of The Clever Connector Second Edition at The Clever Connector website: https://thecleverconnector.com/all-guides/.

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Ultimately, the biggest takeaway for this book is to become both high-value and high-power. Then, on top of being powerful, you want to make sure you’re being warm and smooth. Do that, and you’ll reach social success. That’s exactly what we help our students do through our programs. E A S Y, A C T I O N A B L E S C R I P T S

If you still feel a bit lost on how to win more of your negotiations in life outside of personal relationships, don’t worry. Right now, we’re going to give you some final, easy, actionable scripts you can use right away to get your dream job and score a full refund. Let’s start with the first one—scripts to get your dream job. Often, most of the negotiating power in a job interview rests with the hiring manager. That’s because there are many applicants who want the job and only one job available. The hiring manager is the gatekeeper, and he is screening everybody to pick the best candidate. That makes him the higher-value party in the interaction. That’s why, when Lucio interviewed for jobs, he often dropped hints or outright stated that he didn’t really need a job (which is high power), but that he liked what he saw in their ad and/or about their company (which is highwarmth). That always helped him to rebalance the power in the negotiation and also increased the odds they’d want him. A good power position for job seekers to be in while they’re interviewing is to already have a job. That automatically says you don’t need one. You might want one, but you don’t strictly need it. S AY T H I S : “Actually, I’m happy where I’m staying, I’m fast tracked to take more responsibility, and I think we’re going to do great things. But I also love what you guys are doing here, especially the XYZ you’ve done. So, I figured it wouldn’t hurt to talk.”

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With this script, you put the hiring manager in a position where they need to woo you away, and you also set a win-win frame. It now seems like a win for you to get the job while it’s also a win for them to get a candidate who seems driven, independent, and high-power. Interviewing at several companies at the same time and letting the interviewer know you are doing so is also a good idea for the exact same reason: it decreases your need for the job, and it boosts your power. Now, how do you respond to trap questions in the interview? For example, let’s say your interviewer asks, “What will you do to grow our business,” “fix this problem,” “implement this solution,” or any other question resembling that. Well, for starters, beware of this—it might be a trap question because it prompts you to share your plan and strategies while they acquire very valuable intel and, often, give nothing back. They sometimes move on to interview more candidates and extract more juicy information from them too. So, the effective social strategist’s plan would be to avoid giving everything away until you get something back. But, of course, you can’t just say, “I’m not going to share that now.” That would make the interviewer suspicious of you, and you’d waste an opportunity to display your skills. One of the strategies Lucio shares to deal with trap questions like this one is to give something, frame it as only one thing you would do, and then frame it once again as “just one thing you’d go for.” Basically, the sub-communication is, “I’m only giving you 10% here, there’s 10 times more where that came from.” Then, pass the microphone back to them, so you don’t get grilled while also getting their intel.

S AY T H I S : “Well, having done something similar before, I have a few different ideas in mind [this is your first hint of you holding a valuable bag for them]. Of course, I’d first have to get more details about your company [a great frame—so if you say something wrong, you’ve already ‘pre-framed’ it as you not having the full information yet]. For example, one of the things I’d consider [insert one of your ideas, plans, or strategies here]. That is just one thing I’d consider doing. Then I’ve got a few more ideas depending on the details of your business [which sub-communicates, ‘Don’t keep grilling me, I’m not going to share everything easily unless you also share some juicy details’]. And of course, much of it is about the execution [sub-communicates, ‘I’m far more than only ideas and plans, I execute well too.’], and flawless execution is what I like to focus on. How about you, do you have something already in mind?”

You’ll find plenty more scripts and techniques for power negotiating if you decide to check out Power University (and, yes, that’s us avoiding delivering all of our value here. You can smile knowing we practice what we preach). OK, here’s the last one. How to score a full refund. If you remember from previous chapters, win-win is superior to win-lose because a win-win means both parties are giving. A win-lose implies that one gave and one took. Generally speaking, people want to win. Well, when you want to get a refund, you want to set a win-win frame. You want to let them know that you’re not here to only take from them (in this case, taking your money back). You’re giving as well.

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S AY T H I S : “Look man, from what I’m seeing, I like you and your products, so whether I buy here or not, I will come back in the future. But, I expect fairness from the people I deal with. So, please be fair, and you will gain a long-term customer.”

Now, you heard a little bit about my personal story in the introduction, but there’s more to it than a simple “once up a time.” After 16 years of living a normal life, I was hit with an unexpected, life-threatening illness in 2017. The illness attacked two vital organs, and I was confined to a hospital bed alone for months.

This is called the silver medal technique. The gold medal you would have given them would’ve been not asking for your money back. But, since you need your money back, you’re giving them the next best thing (the silver medal), which is your future business.

I was an aspiring soccer player with good grades and great friends both on and off the team.

This is the power of not delivering all your value at once. Any seller who already has your money is thinking to themselves that there’s no incentive for them to help you out by giving you back your money. If anything, they’d be losing. That’s why most of them say “no.”

Then this hell happens.

But, here, you’re letting them know you haven’t delivered all of your value. You’re reminding them of your power to give value in the future. And, if they want your future business, they’d better be fair. The only types of people who won’t accept this script are the people who don’t believe in win-win (who prefer if they win in the short-term and you lose), the people who don’t trust you yet (which might be a rational approach if you’ve been negotiating with them competitively or aggressively up until now), and the people who don’t have the business smarts to take care of their customers and think long term. This is all advanced social skills though. What’s more important than what you say is how you say it, because speaking in a way that commands respect and fairness holds more weight over the outcome. You can get free examples and case studies of how the strategies in this book (and a few strategies and techniques Lucio only teaches in his course) have been used to win more negotiations at The Power Moves: https://thepowermoves.com/ forum/topic/how-power-intelligence-helped-you-in-life-concrete-examples/.

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Six months prior, I was living a good social life.

I had depression, suicidal thoughts, and a rage I’d never felt before. None of my “friends” ever gave me a call or even a text in my greatest time of need. It felt like they’d all left me to die. And yet, that was the greatest gift they could’ve ever given me. You see, I wanted to live a life of happiness with the people that I cared about. But, in reality, I really wanted to use people as my only source of happiness to live the life that I always dreamed of. So, when that dream was violently stripped away from me, I was forced to face the realization that making yourself completely dependent on others for your happiness is setting yourself up for unhappiness. Unfortunately, though, I didn’t understand how to live a happy life without others being a part of it. I’d feel like a liar wearing a mask that says, “I am happy being lonely.” I thought to myself, “You’ll only be lonely without other people, and that loneliness will hinder your happiness.”

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But, then I discovered that I was wrong. You’re actually helping yourself live a happier life if you make yourself independent of others, because that freedom gives you the space to embrace more things that make your life better—your health, wealth, self-love, and fulfilling experiences. So, I decided to create a new identity for myself, pursue personal empowerment, and seek out mentors to help me grow. I became a servant leader, giving myself and others what no one gave me at my lowest, darkest point in life: a helping hand.

From there, I started to see even more success. When I started one of my first businesses, to generate leads for it, I generated over 227 connections on LinkedIn in only two-and-a-half weeks. The phone was ringing off the hook! In addition to that, remember the connection I lost in Chapter 2 due to my over-assertiveness, April? I was able to implement my own networking strategy to connect with her best friend of over 10 years, who also works within her company, persuade her to get on a Zoom call with me, and convince her to get her friend (April) to open up communications to me. From there, I was able to persuade April to rejoin my network on our one-on-one Zoom call together.

Then I found Lucio’s work, and the way I socialized changed.

So, now, not only are April and I back to being contacts in each others’ networks and good friends again, April mentioned that her friend was actually excited to talk about me after our Zoom call together. So much so that April was also happy to talk to me again.

Lucio was already years ahead of me by that time—he had already experienced his worst moment in life, the watershed moment that revolutionized his life.

Recently, I accepted an invitation to work with the United Nations to advance an initiative that helps more people—which was offered to me because of April.

His work changed my life. I started gaining more fairness and respect from others. I started winning negotiations easily, in business and in my social life. More than that, I learned how to gain allies who had my back when I needed them, cool friends who make my life better, and mentors who helped pull me up to their level.

On top of that, as a side-hustle that eventually turned into a profitable business, I was able to provide coaching and consulting for business owners so they could use business networking to grow their businesses as well. I even shared my expertise with a start-up valued at over $100,000,000 that, at the time of this book’s writing, is emerging as a top alternative to LinkedIn.

It was after I studied Lucio’s work that I realized I wanted to be able to reach and connect with anyone in the world, no matter how high up the social ladder they might be. To do that, I needed to combine the advanced social skills I learned from Lucio with something else. I needed social strategies to network with high-value people like celebrities, executives, and billionaires.

Finally—what’s most important to me—I was able to publish my own bestselling book and donate its first six weeks of profits to the hospital that saved my life, to support the ones who pulled me from the brink of death.

But I still lacked sufficient skills in the power dynamics department.

So, I took everything I’d learned from Lucio and applied it to finding and getting mentors who were professional sociologists, applied psychology researchers, and leading business networking experts. I studied their strategies and was even able to improve on many of their strategies by weeding out the social mistakes only those who had studied advanced social skills and power dynamics would know.

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Even with all of Lucio’s and my successes, though, there’s one thing we both agree on: the real win was never the “successes” themselves but the effort. Many people build their egos on their outcomes, whether that’s getting that girl, landing that deal, building that body they always wanted, and so on. But we can’t always win (and if you do, let’s be honest, you may not be aiming high enough). So, when our outcomes aren’t what we want them to be, we often feel disappointed, sad, or worse.

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That’s why the most effective achievers don’t build their pride and self-esteem on their outcomes. They build their pride on their effort—on going for it and doing their best. In simply having done that, in having given their best effort, for them, that’s a well-won victory on its own. You can’t always win. But, you can always give your best effort. If you build your pride and ego on that, you can always feel proud of yourself.

AFTERWORD

So, whatever it is you want in your life, go for it. Lucio has been traveling the world, doing exactly what he loves while pioneering the field of power dynamics—of which you just got a little taste here. And, I’m already impacting others, living my purpose exactly how I want to. We’ve both reached a high level of fulfillment in our lives, and, given time and the right skill sets, you can too.

The values behind The Power Moves are the same values that inspired the creation of this book. The relentless commitment to those values has led us to take great strides in our impact on people who are lacking in their social lives. The Power Moves website is pioneering novel approaches to advanced

So, whatever you want in life, go for it. And, in our own ways, we’ll be here to support you along the way. Godspeed.

social skills, social success, and the achievement of one’s goals. Today, it keeps on researching, teaching, and expanding the field of social skills, power dynamics, and social strategies. The reason so many people come to visit ThePowerMoves.com is simple— the advice and strategies work. It’s evidence-based, it’s field-tested, it gets results, and there are thousands of happy students to prove it. More than the guides and strategies, though, are the mindsets and attitudes of empowerment we encourage that help people reach new heights in their lives. This book was built on a foundational belief of giving people what they need to become more independent and capable of achieving what they want in life—and that kind of power starts in the mind. So, without hesitation, here are some of the values underpinning my website and this book’s approach to self-empowerment (these values are also shared by Ali Scarlett and The Clever Connector website):66

66

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You can get the full list of all of the values for personal empowerment at The Power Moves website: https://thepowermoves.com/start-here/#The_Power_Moves_Values.

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Value #1: Power starts by choosing never to be a victim. There is no shame in being a victim when you didn’t know any better or

who are easy to control, and even good people can sometimes push your boundaries to see what you will put up with.

couldn’t have done anything about it. However, it is immoral to stay a

Powerlessness leaves you open to abuse. Power, instead, allows you to

victim when you know you are one and you have the power to change

enter value-giving social exchanges. A world where more people seek

your position.

self-empowerment is a world with less abuse and a world where more

You might not always have the power to change right here and now, but it’s your duty to look for a way as hard as you can—even if it might take you a lifetime of looking (and you will almost always find a way much sooner). Sometimes, choosing not to be a victim is about overcoming emotional pain and wounds. In this case, it’s less about fighting and more about selflove and letting go. That is another form of empowerment. Value #2: Seek growth rather than help.

well-meaning people can reach the top. So, do your part and stay on your self-empowerment path. •

The best bet for a better world is learning advanced social skills.

Learning advanced social skills (such as power dynamics) and effective life-strategies is good for you and for the world. That’s because the cream doesn’t naturally rise to the top. In truth, the scum—the power-driven with no moral qualms—is more likely to reach the

Ask for all the help you need, but work on yourself while you do it.

top than the cream is.

It’s immoral to expect others to help when you aren’t also at least trying to

That also means that, for a better world, we need a more socially skilled

help yourself first. Plus, it doesn’t work. Sure, sometimes someone will res-

cream to reach the top. The kind of cream that can navigate all life situa-

cue you. Just don’t bank on it. Instead, seek to help yourself first.

tions effectively. That’s the bottom mission of both this website and its programs: equipping value-giving leaders to reach the top. Value #3: You’re only as free as your personal and mental power allow

“Ask for a fish, and you’re back begging the next day for another. Learn to fish, and you can even help others.” —Lucio Buffalmano

you to be. Freedom is both a mental and pragmatic achievement. Practically, you can’t be free if you are overly dependent on someone to

A couple of “sub-beliefs” of this value are: •

The best way to stop abuse is with real-world skills (advanced social skills) and self-empowerment.

This starts with you. Thugs actively seek the easiest victim based on looking at how they walk.

keep you in their group (or on the payroll). Emotionally, you can’t be free if you’re overly dependent on someone to approve of you or make you happy. Freedom starts with personal empowerment. •

To be truly free, you must understand your genetic programming.

Manipulators seek the most gullible people. Abusers pair up with partners

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What’s good for the selfish genes is seldom good for you—or for those

“The worst cases of ‘following orders’ without questioning authority slaughtered millions. The best cases only killed their souls.” —Lucio Buffalmano

around you. You cannot be free unless you first learn how your unconscious drives are pushing you around.

“Let us understand what our own selfish genes are up to, because we may then at least have the chance to upset their designs.” —Richard Dawkins, The Selfish Gene

Another sub-belief: •

Empower yourself to effectively question authority.

Power requires checks and balances to make sure it stays fair. Those checks and balances are only possible with the followers’ own

Value #4: You’re only as virtuous as your personal power allows you to be.

empowerment.

This is something that clinical psychologist, Jordan Peterson, often says

It’s your duty to analyze and correctly assess the quality of your superiors.

and that we wholeheartedly agree with. Peterson also says that a harmless

The world will only go slower and worse if the quality of your superior is

man can’t be virtuous.

lacking and if you keep following unworthy leaders.

It’s the power of choosing your favorite course of actions that under-

If you find your leader unworthy, it’s your duty to find a way out (or vote

pins virtue.

them out, or overthrow them).

Individuals without the power and strength to make their own decisions

“A poor leader’s dream is a disempowered and naive follower.”—Lucio

cannot be virtuous.

Buffalmano

Value #5: Don’t necessarily fight authority, but it’s your duty to assess it

Value #6: Before you join any group, walk and grow as an individual.

and question it.

To empower yourself, you may have to walk alone—as an individual—before

Virtue doesn’t automatically come with power.

joining any group.

Many individuals in power will want you to do and believe what benefits

Evade social policing, seek your answers from the most dissimilar sources,

them, not you or the greater good.

and escape any ideology-based group.

In business, the world’s narcissists and sociopaths are counting on you to

It’s easier said than done, of course. And, that’s the whole point.

close your eyes to their moral failures and to exchange your freedom for their success. Organized evil is only possible thanks to followers’ compliant, cooperative execution.

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If you don’t, you can rest assured that someone will try to make you walk their path. And, again, that’s not always the path that better serves your interests.

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After you find yourself, join others to increase your leverage.

“You will never find your unique voice if you’re always too busy singing to someone else’s tune.” —Lucio Buffalmano

Value #7: Fly higher than the turkeys and their petty games. The eagle of The Power Moves website represents the final stage of a

Read More! Want another book to sink your teeth (or, maybe eyes) into? You can grab the free, in-depth guide to get connections and grow your business by going to https://thecleverconnector.com/all-guides/!

high-quality, effective, socially skilled man or woman. When you first enter the world of advanced social skills (and especially when you start learning power dynamics), you’ll start to see a lot of games and power moves. It’s easy to get caught up in them and feel slighted, angry, wanting to get your revenge and “show them” for treating you this way for so long. And that’s totally fair. And, sometimes, even the most appropriate reaction. However, eventually, you want to reach a point where you start seeing the game “from above.” What The Power Moves generally moves towards is an approach that is “superior” and “above” the “little petty games” the turkeys play (hence the “eagle” visual). You want to grow to a place where you can see the games but you’re not overly worried or bothered by them. If anything, you’re disappointed by the game players. Of course, you will intervene if it’s truly disempowering you—that’s part of being an effective individual. But, otherwise, you go through life viewing and treating all those games like water off a duck’s back. You see the game, but you look at the turkey from above and think, “what a turkey,” as you fly higher in life. Keep soaring, my friend.

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BIBLIOGRAPHY Buffalmano, Lucio. “Covert Power Moves (& How to Handle Them).” The Power Moves, June 16, 2021. https://thepowermoves.com/courses/ power-university/lessons/social-skills-advanced/ topic/covert-power-moves-how-to-handle-them/. Buffalmano, Lucio. “Evil: Inside Human Violence and Cruelty—Summary.” The Power Moves, August 20, 2019. https://thepowermoves.com/evil-insidehuman-violence-and-cruelty/. Buffalmano, Lucio. “Evolutionary Psychology (6th Edition): Notes & Review.” The Power Moves, December 16, 2019. https://thepowermoves. com/evolutionary-psychology-by-david-buss/. Buffalmano, Lucio. “Frames 101: Understanding Frames.” The Power Moves, June 16, 2021. https://thepowermoves.com/courses/power-university/lessons/ frames-101-understanding-frames/. Buffalmano, Lucio. “How the Social Exchange Theory Can Get You the Network of Your Dreams (Part 1 of 2).” The Clever Connector, January 5, 2022. https://thecleverconnector.com/social-exchange-theory-part-one/. Buffalmano, Lucio. “How to Be Assertive.” The Power Moves, June 16, 2021. https://thepowermoves.com/courses/power-university/lessons/assertiveness/ topic/how-to-be-assertive/. Buffalmano, Lucio. “How to Make Women Compliment You (Dating for Men).” The Power Moves, August 27, 2020. https://thepowermoves.com/ forum/topic/how-to-make-women-compliment-you-dating-for-men/.

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Buffalmano, Lucio. “Micro-Aggressions & Social Calibration.” The Power Moves, June 16, 2021. https://thepowermoves.com/courses/power-university/ lessons/social-skills-advanced/topic/micro-aggressions-social-calibration/ #What_Is_A_Microaggression. Buffalmano, Lucio. “Passive/Submissive. Pros, Cons, & Strategies.” The Power Moves, June 16, 2021. https://thepowermoves.com/courses/power-university/ lessons/assertiveness/topic/passive-submissive-pros-cons-strategies/#The_ Strategic_Uses_Of_Submission. Buffalmano, Lucio. “The Assertiveness Workbook: Notes & Review.” The Power Moves, November 22, 2020. https://thepowermoves.com/theassertiveness-workbook/. Buffalmano, Lucio. “The Definitive Dictionary of Power: Terms & Definitions.” The Power Moves, July 27, 2020. https://thepowermoves.com/ dictionary-of-power/#Judge.

Kanazawa, Satoshi, and Jody L Kovar. “Why Beautiful People Are More Intelligent.” Intelligence, vol. 32, no. 3 (May 2004): 227–43. https://doi. org/10.1016/j.intell.2004.03.003. Scarlett, Ali, and Lucio Buffalmano. The Clever Connector: The Easiest Way to Become Powerful, Regardless of Your Situation. The Underdog’s Guide to Networking with Billionaires, Celebrities, and Executives. 1st ed., 2020. “Stereotype Content Model.” Wikipedia. Wikimedia Foundation, November 10, 2011. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stereotype_content_model. Tornquist, Michelle, and Dan Chiappe. “Effects of Humor Production, Humor Receptivity, and Physical Attractiveness on Partner Desirability.” Evolutionary Psychology, vol. 13, no. 4 (October 12, 2015). https://doi. org/10.1177/1474704915608744.

Buffalmano, Lucio. “The Dictator’s Handbook: 3 Steps to Being a Dictator.” The Power Moves, September 9, 2019. https://thepowermoves.com/thedictators-handbook/. Buffalmano, Lucio. “Winning Body Language by Mark Bowden: Summary & Review.” The Power Moves, October 18, 2017. https://thepowermoves.com/ winning-body-language-summary/. Buffalmano, Lucio. “Women: Never Say ‘I Know My Value.’” The Power Moves, October 5, 2020. https://thepowermoves.com/forum/topic/womennever-say-i-know-my-value/#postid-2964. Fiske, Susan T., Amy J. Cuddy, Peter Glick, and Jun Xu. “A Model of (Often Mixed) Stereotype Content: Competence and Warmth Respectively Follow from Perceived Status and Competition.” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, vol. 82, no. 6 (2002): 878–902. https://doi.org/10. 1037/0022-3514.82.6.878.

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ABOUT THE AUTHORS

Lucio Buffalmano is a sociologist, entrepreneur, and avid researcher of human nature. His website, thepowermoves.com, distills thousands of scientific studies into practical strategies for acquiring power, mates, and riches. Everything is science-backed, real-world-tested, and proven to work by thousands of his students. You can get a variety of free, in-depth tutorials and resources at thepowermoves. com/resources-list. You can also connect with Lucio on his forum at thepowermoves.com/forum or on the other open platforms under his name. Lucio turned his passion for social research, power dynamics, and social strategies into a business and is living a life of freedom.

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He obtained his master’s degree from La Sapienza, Department of Communication and Social Research, in 2011. And, he started championing his novel approach to self-development and social skills in 2017. https://www.facebook.com/ThePowerMoves/ https://www.instagram.com/the_power_moves/ https://www.youtube.com/c/ThePowerMoves/ https://twitter.com/The_Power_Moves https://www.linkedin.com/company/the-power-moves Ali Scarlett is a #1 national bestselling author, entrepreneur, and avid researcher of the science of networking. His website, thecleverconnector.com, summarizes research on business networking. Everything is practical and applicable. You can get a variety of free, effective resources and recommendations at thecleverconnector.com/guides. You can also connect with Ali on Instagram @iamaliscarlett. Ali is an enthusiastic (but terrible) pool player and will occasionally make a mean Jamaican-style dish. He has also studied the likes of professional sociologists, applied psychology researchers, and other business networking experts when defining his methods. Ali’s education and experience have provided many opportunities for him to give back. To help himself and others achieve personal empowerment, Ali uses helpful information as the pathway to achieving more—by applying and sharing all of the wisdom he acquires as a lifelong student of personal and professional development. https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/20723698.Ali_Scarlett https://instagram.com/iamaliscarlett https://www.linkedin.com/in/ali-scarlett

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Review Ask We believe your feedback would help make future versions of this book better. So, if you want to, head on over to Amazon (or wherever you purchased this book) to let us know what you learned, how your social life is improving, and what you want to learn next. We read every review, and we’d be very grateful for your feedback because your thoughts matter—and you’d be doing us a huge favor. But, it’s completely up to you.

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