Social Warrior: How To Conquer Shyness and Enrich Your Life

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Social Warrior How To Conquer Shyness and Enrich Your Life

By Martin Goldberg Copyright 2020

I. Introduction: Why Social Skills Matter She was standing on that wind-dusted corner, between the bus stop sign and crosswalk, eyes wandering to me frequently, before darting away. Every time I caught a glimpse of their blue flash, the will in me got a little stronger. There was the possibility of her being interested, and that alone seemed worth the chance. When I tried anew she began playing with her hair, while still pressing the moment. All I had to do was ask. Inside of me, the words were aligned perfectly, at least for the initial breeze of conversation that would be needed to suggest a future. Just a couple seconds, and it would go from there. I wished myself the best, tried to draw enough courage, and prepared to pounce. And yet nothing happened. Not because she walked away to get on a different bus, or turned me down. Nor for some other peculiar outcome. Nothing happened because I did the same. I didn’t lack the opening or the ability, but simply the will to break free and make a connection. I was captured by shyness, and thus lost a phenomenal opportunity. I promise you, this book is not an entry into the cringe fields of pink novel fan fiction, where the end result is some odd vegan variation on Anastasia Steele and Christian Grey. That would make good material, but only for the discerning mind. Instead, I elected to put chisel on Microsoft Word with the aim of guiding individuals outside the cave that is social awkwardness towards a meadow where grand feats are possible. It’s not a question of romance alone, but rather the missed potential caused by uncertainty of personal constitution. Across the range of life you stand to lose out on significant lessons and experiences which stem directly from an ability to confidently interact with people—in many cases due to unprovoked solicitation. If one relies on others to process the whole maze of interaction, the consequence will easily remand reality to diminished opportunities in work, relationships, or wealth-

accumulation, all because of a social handicap that does not need to be permanent. Should the message place a damper on the mind, don’t worry. It is perfectly natural to be afraid or disheartened by the prospect of changing a part about yourself which seems so unquestionably concrete. The real point aligns with your relative willingness to shift strategies. To begin, we have to answer the “why” question. I could go ahead and list some generic stuff, but the plain truth is that someone might clap back and say the reserved life is perfectly fine. I’m definitely not trying to evangelize the merits of being an extrovert here, but rather ensure that folks have the confidence necessary for all basic endeavors life may offer. You don’t want to be the person who passes by good angles that stand to bring personal benefits strictly on the basis of being afraid of rejection or embarrassment coming down the road. Social anxiety is a central problem in our world today. According to available research, as much as 18 percent of the adult American population suffers from some sort of anxiety disorder, and adequate forms of treatment are not always available.[1] People write songs about their struggles with socialization. Entire websites and forums are dedicated to the topic. In some tragic cases, people take their own lives (or those belonging to others), in large part due to the frustration they feel with interaction. Our response to this latter group is characteristically human; they are demonized as pathetic, mentally ill, incels, or any other term to remove all sympathy from their position. Rarely does a voice seek to understand what is going on— or how it might be addressed. This is primarily due to the fact that the people trying to fix the problem are almost invariably individuals who have never dealt with similar struggles. I recall reading a book recommended to me about social anxiety which appeared initially compelling until I realized that the author didn’t really struggle with it, but rather was trying to SPECULATE as to the causes and solution. For most of us, that’s not good enough. Sure, someone can fire off any number of things that they believe contribute to the issue, but unless you have wrestled with the bull’s spirit, the answer remains

empty in nature. Such resulting advice feels limited in scope or value, because it is advanced by the paradigms of someone who did not have to overcome similar obstacles. These are the same people who become hapless pontificators whenever a terrible event occurs which can be linked to social problems. They have plenty of talking points that completely miss the mark, and endless waves of commentary for CNN. At heart, they are more clueless than the next person. With this in mind, we should start with a first principle relating to the topic: the most effective analysis of social anxiety (and proposed solutions) will stem from someone versed in the experience itself. Speculators probably mean well, but they are likely to miss the mark on account of their own nature. Those who know what it feels like (whether it is the uncertainty, concern, or even terror) are better able to assess both the problem, and what form a resolution can take. To this group, the answer goes much further than a checkmark concept entailing the adjustment of behavior or “loosening up” in the face of a social situation. While such encouragements have some limited value, they will not present the opportunity to master skills and become a Social Warrior.

II. The Actual Solution 1.

The first step towards becoming a Social Warrior is obvious: you have to realize an area that feels lacking, and be curious about change. For most folks who struggle socially, this milestone is already fully recognized. The very fact that you are reading this book demonstrates curiosity about the subject, and inclination towards flipping lanes. It is of course possible to be oblivious to the fact, but for most of us, the way others interact is a surefire suggestion of what’s going on. Do people tend to exclude you from group conversations, or treat talking with you like a chore? Are you usually the one who initiates, or do others start the conversation? Have you turned down social opportunities because you felt uneasy being there? These are just a few characteristics of shyness and social anxiety among people, and the cause of their feeling limited by life.

2.

Next, outline specific areas of weakness in order to tackle the problem on an incremental basis. A common issue with gurus who promote their “quick fix” methods is how reliably unclear they will be. If someone is genuinely petrified by the prospect of social interaction, are they really going to dive inside some exaggerated party situation based on advice from a fellow with no clue? I reckon not. What we require is a gradual approach that allows for progressive assumption of confidence before broader steps are pursued. Specifically, you need a distinct summary of WHAT should be done in social situations, as opposed to vague feelings.

3.

Finally, you have to be willing to constantly challenge those areas in order to succeed. Strong social skills are very much perishable in nature, so exercise them consistently, or else they will fade, along with personal confidence. Losing one or the other—but especially the latter—means a painful remission process which no one wants to experience. You must make it work by ensuring the plant grows into a sociable tree.

Before we get any further entangled, I want to communicate how difficult the process is likely to be. Social strength, and indeed becoming a Social Warrior, is not something that materializes easily, or happens like a flipped switch. You are going to feel a healthy share of pain and embarrassment as part of the process. There will be times when all you want to do is revert back to the reclusive domain and forget about this little foray over video games and comfort food. You will not feel safe in your own skin, and may even wish nothing was ever started. This is normal. The trick is to keep powering through and say sayonara to the bystanders. Don’t give up.

III. Looking At Causes Unpacking the causes of social shyness is a complicated process. Some people point to being sheltered as children, or afraid due to their treatment by family members, who may have discouraged them from being open at a young age. For others, it is a natural intimidation that comes from dealing with the public. Still more may have separate explanations for their struggles in the fold. Regardless of the reason, it is definitely an issue which gets overlooked by educational authorities. To start, public schools allow for the formation of social hierarchies that serve to sort individuals into various groups, with the adept and naturally extroverted at the top. Anyone who falls short of the threshold is left to fend for themselves, with little being done to arrest the issue on behalf of those students. The result is that souls who fail to develop on their own terms are left to wallow in a state bound to impact them negatively throughout the early stages of life. Because we tend to learn from experience, these folks have a tremendous disadvantage of time, and must struggle to catch up with their peers. For some children, it is actually a LACK of socialization that leaves this burden. Perhaps their parents traveled frequently, or they lived in a more remote area where fewer playmates were available to socialize with. Particularly if this is combined with shyness, it leads to stunted development during those critical early stages. Such children may have a couple close friends, but never become comfortable with the broader sprawl of social interaction prescribed by primary and secondary schools. They will retreat into other activities, but once the call of the workplace or dating comes about, they are left in a significantly disadvantaged situation, with few workable options for escape.

IV. The Path To Answers At the risk of coming off as too cliché, it is worth noting how one can begin to assess the path towards becoming a Social Warrior. To start, treat your body the right way. One of the best aspects here is to diet properly. I’ve long been an advocate of seeing a nutritionist as part of any self-improvement journey, and the idea should not be lost when it comes to this question. Consuming nutrient-rich foods is critical to generating energy, which is turn helps to enhance confidence for the social realm. A bad diet can make you feel sluggish and unmotivated, thus undermining that goal. In addition, be sure to do some kind of concentrated physical activity on a daily (or semi-daily) basis. I personally advise lifting weights, but cardio and calisthenics can be useful as well. This will contribute in tandem with diet to higher energy levels, fueling the wellspring of power needed to do better socially. Working out is also important because it teaches the subject to set goals and labor towards their fulfillment. You can measure progress according to how large your muscles are, or relative endurance with a certain type of exercise. By fulfilling these smaller objectives, you are imbued with the motivation towards greater steps in life. A. The Value of a Job One of the best ways to conquer social unease is to secure a role which maximizes the potential for interaction as a sheer matter of policy. Working achieves this so long as the position demands frequent face-to-face meetings that can be channeled into outlets for sociable behavior. When I was shy, my solution was to work in a café where I could build up confidence through conversations with customers. Initially, I was made to work in the back, where most of my socialization was with the ingredients for our food offerings and bleached dishes, but after some time I managed to snag a slot working at the front register. My goal here was twofold; first, I wanted to force myself to deal with others as a consistent duty. Secondly, I

needed to be somewhere that would liberate me from other involving responsibilities so I could focus on building social skills. To begin, it was a painful experience, as I was running on nothing more than raincheck fuel. I messed up several times, probably coming off more like an android than someone worth talking with. Over the weeks however things changed, and I was soon able to go from the basic hello to smooth transition into conversation. As is normal in humans, some of my experimental targets had more to say than others, and would work with me longer than their fellows. I never took the otherwise curt letdowns to heart, because they were all learning experiences. The benefit of this challenge lies in its ability to have a stacking effect on personal confidence. It’s alright to fail, because the loss simply prepares you for a further interaction step on the next occasion. B. Leadership In addition to attaining a job, obtaining leadership roles in some chosen organization is a critical factor in the quest to becoming a Social Warrior. Your position might be paid or unpaid, but either option allows for the opportunity to live some scenarios which help evaluate skills of interaction. As a leader you will be required to direct processes and people in pursuit of the group’s mission. This means the opportunity to examine your own blights from the safety of a position that does not stand to negatively impact the future upon failure, especially if it is unpaid. Perhaps one of the best illustrations for this dynamic would be related to assertion-building. Say you are at a planning meeting for the next group event. As head of the team you are given authority to command attention and behavior among the participants. If someone gets too yappy about the cheeks, especially towards the end of the meeting, step in and say that theirs is the last comment, firmly but calmly. Doing so establishes you as the source of proper administration and shows the others gathered that the buck stops there. You give life to the role, and it amplifies individual confidence, providing foundations for future social success. C. The Benefit of the Other

Should one be looking for a way to practice social skills in a simulation-style environment, I would encourage finding foreigners to converse with. Oftentimes a person who has less confidence in English can hone social skills by serving as a sounding board for practice, just like you are for them. They are eager to learn more about your language and culture, but perhaps less attune to conversational nuances which can lead other folks towards the path of haughty judging. Since their own abilities with the language are limited, you can rehearse being the person with more control in the dialog, a useful element for those accustomed to holding back during interactions. As you improve, that newfound strength may reflect richly on them, creating a terrific boon while they attempt to win confidence and excel in a different culture. Furthermore, there is substantial discussion material based on the person’s country of origin and his culture that can keep the speech flowing. Follow this approach and you will learn about another part of the world, while also crafting a baseline model for talks with other people. D. Dressing Well It might seem like a secondary factor to some, but part of the journey towards realizing social potential includes improving the way you visually present a form to the world. While it’s not always the case, lots of socially-struggling people dress in ways that limit their own confidence. Oversized shirts, poor hairstyles, or bad odors are just a couple possibilities. You may not immediately think about it, but these elements can cause people to (wrongly) minimize their interactions when in close proximity. They worry of being associated with another person based on appearance, and will thus attempt to make distance. The old “never judge a book by its cover” theme is pointless when applied to actual human behavior, so it pays to be prepared. An easy way to start looking better is to open your retail clothing catalog and take a glance at the styles. This doesn’t cost much, assuming you don’t attempt to start a relationship with one of the models in there. It’s also far cheaper than going for some designer glam garbage, thus eliminating the “I don’t have money” excuse that may otherwise be conjured up. Pick a couple decent

outfits worth investing in, ideally some that can be mix and matched with each other to change things up on occasion, and swipe your card. Next, head to a Ross store or other cheap retailer and pick up several cologne bottles for good measure. You can stick one in the car and have another couple at home to prepare for the world. These need not be on the pricey side; they simply communicate awareness that sweat and smells are a part of life. All too frequently people will gallivant around with bad body odor – largely because they are not aware of it themselves. We tend to grow accustomed to our own scent and thus do not recognize when matters take a turn for the clothespin category. Should you not wish to apply or smear scented chemicals directly on the skin, use the spray type on clothing for a roughly similar effect. You can further enhance defenses against such odorous wiles by using some type of laundry scent product. The fabric stuff will emerge from its dryer circus both clean and better-smelling if this lead is followed. On the same note, avoid using clothes dryers for anything more than a quick zap. Fabrics are notoriously sensitive and will wear down quickly if subjected to the full cycle blasting. The main problem concerns you showing up for a social event with a t-shirt that is right out of the Babys R Us pile (bankrupt and all, of course). Should you be blessed with wearing glasses, look into changing the style to something more endearing. The specs you were sporting at the age of 12 might need a slight improvement, especially if they include the centerpiece support bar. Shifting models or checking out some contacts will grant better clarity of presentation, which can make the social obstacle course much easier. F. Talking To Yourself Yeah, I’m sure you did a double-take here, but it’s all well and good. I’m not referring to actually holding conversations with yourself, but rather how you treat the same. Many of us are capable of going around expressing kindness to others on a whim, as if it is the basis of existence. We don’t have to be told to greet another person – or even compliment them; it just comes naturally. While this

is great, we proceed to totally miss the mark when it comes to ourselves. If WE make a mistake, the first one to blame is the person at the forefront of our lives. We are the problem, the failure, the wretch, and the hopeless creature that needs to be lambasted. Anything wrong must necessarily come down on our shoulders, even if that negativity may lead to a lack of confidence, along with further mishaps. In our minds, individual failings led to the issue, and now the rage should rain freely as a reminder of those shortcomings. You probably are inclined to dismiss this all as a byproduct of normal human behavior, and yet I encourage no swift election for such a path. Negativity, and indeed the fellow travelers it likes to encourage, begins to shape a person’s worldview if left unaddressed. There may not be anything inherently out of order with cynicism, but when attempting trying to develop social skills the lean towards extreme melancholy or being a misanthrope is a poor aid. Your quest is about improving the self, and a mind constantly beating itself goes nowhere. Remember that the objective is to heighten confidence and become better at interaction. How exactly does it help to fling insults and use degrading language every way to the Hard Rock Café? Just like we are what we eat, the manner you choose to go about nurturing the mind will ultimately impact how self is presented to the world. To counteract such issues, focus on what is positive about the self when starting a new day. It could be as little as the fact that you made the bed and are healthy, or holding a job. Lots of folks fail in one or all three of these basic categories, so where you are successful make sure to take note. Write down accomplishments for the day, and then create a list of what you want to get done in the next 8-12 hours, or the coming week. As you complete each item, cross it off the list and congratulate yourself internally for the achievement. You ARE successful, and have the potential to do even greater things. The reason to write it down is that most people are visual in their conception of the world. Some of the greatest humanitarians do not take a salary, but glean satisfaction from seeing the fruits of their labor in how individual lives can change. You might not recognize the worth of replacing a single tail light in your

car just by doing it; putting that on a list reminds you of what has been accomplished, and no longer needs to be done. In the event you do get angry, try to change the manner in which the cause is framed. Swap out “I’m a total fucking idiot” with “I made a mistake, and I will use this example to do better next time.” Always treat yourself with a respect, because it provides better stability for what is being pursued, as opposed to purely negative energy. Focusing on the insults or destructive thoughts simply increases the likelihood that future attempts at social confidence will be scuttled on a Debbie Downer basis. It might sound Disney crazy, but believing in personal worth plays a critical role in the realm of self-improvement. A person can have the style, the looks, or even the money, but individual outlook and spirit changes everything. You will not be able to attain success on the social front if all hopes are built on a pile of ash and self-loathing. When a good opportunity arises, it shall be for naught because the mind is going to serve as the last-minute tripwire. “There is no point because I suck at everything, and it’s probably a complete waste of time,” will be the excuse as you derail the interaction and return to the glumness of life. This negative experience will then compound on the last to bolster your conception of limited personal value and ability. G. Posture Another oft-neglected subject is the way you move around in public. Try looking at others when walking through a mall or college campus. You will see an outstanding number of folks shuffling aimlessly across the tiles, shoulders slumped and eyes averted into their phones, as though they do not have any purpose in life. Upon entering a store they will immediately shun workers who approach them, and even at the register they attempt to avoid any significant small talk, or eye contact. This is the style of countless people not confident in themselves and the way they might come off. It contributes to their relative constitution and personal uncertainty, whether it is in social situations or the workplace. If I was a cowering, shy person, then I would move the same way. Whether we like it or not, the manner in which we carry ourselves is a reflection of the person within. Should you be

struggling with social interaction, it is crucial to project strength at all times. As a general principle, I always walk with shoulders up—not sagging, and my head high and bright. You will not see me with my face buried in a smartphone screen as I move, both for reasons of representation and just basic safety. I always want to be alert, and also communicate a message of who I am to the world—personality included. Furthermore, watch for the way you present in social interactions. Being the most outgoing and expressive person is not necessary, but advocating for oneself remains crucial. Should someone ask about your background, give a clear and confident answer. Don’t slouch, or appear hapless towards the question. You must assert, both to earn the respect of others and as a personal reminder of worth. YOU are in control, and they need to follow YOUR lead for the greater benefit of the group. As an example, the reply to that earlier question about background should involve a hard-faced demonstration of whatever plan you have – or have not. For example, “I am working on my engineering degree with a concentration in Biomedical Science. I plan to start my own experimental technology company and develop new means of addressing critical disease targeting.” It’s a bit generic, but still manages to paint a full-throated image of who you are and the life in tow. Too often I see people bumbling on this point, and thus they manage to project a low-energy version of self to the gaping world. Your thirty-second introduction is a good way to make a potential candidacy for a job more viable, but it can easily sink everything as well. Rightly or wrongly, the goal is to project clear desire for what life can give you.

V. The Training Problem A typical method people will use to better their social ability is the completion of skills courses like Dale Carnegie. The idea is that shy or underconfident souls should be thrust into situations which require the utilization of interaction and speaking to pursue a firm social outcome. These programs usually run into the high teen hundreds, if not thousands, and often fall across an eight-week stretch over the calendar. They are billed, unsurprisingly, as imperative to the salvation of individuals suffering from limited skills of interaction, and pushed widely. I respect the motivation of said courses, but caution against believing too strongly in them as solutions. You can drop fifteen hundred bucks on a class, but failure to commit those principles throughout life beyond the training period will be money poorly spent. Oftentimes people emerge from such experiences with a two-week burst of change, only to slink back into their old ways once the demands of the course are no longer present. They become the same person in a flash because of an inability to internalize anything over that short period, and thus the impetus for keeping true has vanished as softly as it once burned. Another problem rests with the fellow who adopts the program, but cannot make it seem genuine. Dale Carnegie for example teaches the value of using someone’s name and expressing interest in them consistently to build or influence the relationship. Great advice, as long as you know how to do it properly. I can always detect someone who has completed the skills training but is unable to utilize it in a natural manner. These are the folks who frantically use your first name, even to the point where it becomes obnoxious. For the most benign interactions they will employ the designation, leaving you wondering if mom is in the vicinity to scold for some minor infraction. For this reason I advise caution when it comes to using sales programs. While I have seen successful people emerge from such classes, they can also backfire

dramatically. In the book Money Culture, the author explains how American-style sales courses fall flat in the UK because the people are less open to becoming “pals” as quickly as Americans tend to be, although even Yankees can have the same negative reaction. Trying to get someone’s name and then repeatedly insisting on addressing them with it can seem like a winning deal, but for others the practice becomes swiftly annoying and unconvincing. Folks will also encounter the types who believe rushing through formalities automatically makes you their best friend. They quickly secure your name and give a firm arm grab, assuming these gestures mean “buddies for life,” even if the extent to which this goes is a short spurt in pursuit of some business deal. Obviously you don’t want to emulate such behavior. Good social ability can be a tool to forge friendships and win economically, but avoid becoming a fake while going about it. Too many false promises are built on the foundation of a winning smile and knuckle-crunching handshakes, leading folks to give up on friendship and the basic trust element between humans of good character. If you are going to implement social confidence towards the greater goal of building wealth, then do so with ethical intent. There are plenty of great salesmen who also lack any semblance towards morality within the scope of their operations. Act a little different and the world will be better for it. A. How To Start a Conversation Many people bring up this point because they are trying to orient themselves towards getting a date, but as usual, the starship is put before the mule. If you are mostly devoid of social ability, the best place to start is probably not that hot young thing. Awkward bumbling works well for movies, but in real life it gets a person pegged – and only an odd bunch on earth want that. Instead, pick the simplest of targets to get comfortable; let’s say the cashier where you shop. This person has to be there, and unless you’re going all Metal Gear Solid to avoid paying, they have to be dealt with. Step up, say hello if they don’t preempt, and hit them with a “Have you been busy today?” It’s simple, and opens the doors for further discussion. They might cold ice the scenario, but usually to more bubbly people it is an excuse to talk. Note a key point here: being

socially adept is not necessarily about dominating a conversation all the time; it is possible to be confident and just let other people blab. What you’ll find is that many men and women are so wrapped up in their own trivialities that they do not listen to what other people say. That’s good for the furtherance of their egos, but it shouldn’t bother you. The goal is to get to a base level of confidence, and they can be a means to that end. When dealing with someone else, a good starter is to compliment something about them that is not overly stereotypical, such as their shoes. It’s largely unassuming, which puts them at ease, and unless you’re dealing with an icicle the path will lead on from there. The interaction can work as follows: 1. 2. 3. 4.

Hey, I like your shoes! -Thank you!. Where did you get them? -I think it was at Converse. Oh nice. I have a few pairs from them as well. Is that your favorite brand? -No, I actually prefer (insert brand name). Sweet. Have you seen the [insert pair]?

Right here we have the semblance of a conversation that started from the simplest remark about a person’s attire. It doesn’t require expert skill or confidence, just the loosening of lips at the proper moment. What’s more, you can rest assured there is a low bar for continued discussion, because the focus is on something they presumably like, and thus are willing to talk about in detail. If it happens that they DON’T like you, the reply will be dry and disinterested, as though the shoes have no appeal. That’s a good cue to keep moving on. This tactic applies to job interviews as well. While many people think an interview is about bloviating loudly regarding their background and abilities, the opposite is true. For most employers, expressing interest in THEM – or the company they represent – is a fine route forward. If you get posed with the “Any questions?” query

by an interviewer, answer by asking about their background, and how they got to work for the company. By doing this several things are accomplished: 1.

It demonstrates assertiveness, as they must now answer to you, if only momentarily.

2.

It shows you are respectful enough to treat them like a human being, and not simply an obstacle. “They don’t care what you know until they know you care” is the classic line of wisdom.

3.

On a lesser point, the pressure to perform in an interview is substantially diminished because you are no longer the target of scrutiny while they stumble to answer questions.

Maybe it’s a testament to the shallow nature of human beings. Perhaps you find it disheartening to see how people operate. In the end, none of that really matters to the discerning mind. If your goal is to thrive in the chaotic realm of life, then it is important to appreciate how systems function. At times it may feel empty or hypocritical, but improving without the overarching structure of social discourse is profoundly difficult, so it is best to make do with what is available. To enhance the ease, consider putting a resume inside a manila folder in your hands to avoid nervous shifting and knuckle clicks. B. How To Feel Comfortable At a Party To be clear, this is not going to be some MyPillow commercial, although I do find their products to be quite respectable on the quality scale. Parties can be one of the greatest challenges for the socially-struggling, because they concentrate almost every troublesome dynamic in one sitting. You have the loud music, blaring to the point where few can actually hear, the clique conversation circles, the excess alcohol, and a general feeling of squalor. For some, these are the ingredients to another killer Saturday night,

while others look upon the prospect with suspicion or terror. That’s ok. With the following section we will examine how to prep yourself for success in the party environment. Obviously the previous rules apply, but to start, remember how much of the unease is internal. Unless you have some major physical deformity, people cannot see fear and fidgeting unless it is shown deliberately. You can avoid doing so by dressing appropriately and adhering to a particular strategy. First, avoid arriving too early. There’s no reason to be standing around alone as people trickle in slowly. If it starts at 8pm, get there around 8:45. The presence of more bodies in the room means less attention on you, and thus diminished social pressure to behave a certain way. If the party is outdoors, the influence of dusk can also take the edge off an entrance. Next, grab a beverage to occupy your hands. Being the sweaty-palmed bumbler standing in a corner is hardly going to inspire confidence in anyone, including the bumbler. (See the section on interviews for more details). One hand can be on the bottle, and another in your jeans pocket. That look spells a relatively laid-back vibe for the party atmosphere. The critical thing to avoid is crossing arms or thumb-twiddling as though mommy is late for the pickup. Be sure to stand next to a group of others, or sit in close proximity. Remaining in a physically isolated location at the event will likely shut you out of conversations, and probably cause a spike in social discomfort for the loner. If an extra boost is needed, looking into calming pills can be a good option. It goes without saying that I am not providing medical advice here, only experience, and I have found the Hyland’s brand to be a decent offering. It is entirely possible that the effect is like a placebo, yet if that helps conquer the ides of social anxiety, all power to the king. C. Using Humor When people gripe about their struggles with social situations, a common way of characterizing the dilemma is to note that they do not feel “comfortable” interacting with others. This should not be surprising, but it prevails as an issue because very few folks can

define what the solution is. Some individuals are gifted with an outgoing personality and know how to naturally meld in social settings, while others do not. Bridging the gap often seems like a test of chance rather than the designs of some 10-step recovery program, and naturally many feel left out. On this point it is crucial to observe the value of humor as a tool. We may have different personalities and react with varied emotion to experiences, but none of us are immune to laughter. You will see folks trying to deny their willingness to crack up in order to remain “cool,” but this is a forced act. If a person finds something funny, they will laugh, whether they choose to admit it or not. Since we’re on the subject I will add this: don’t let pride deny you some of the fundamental joys in life. When hilarity comes your way, go ahead and seize it rather than acting vain. Now, one should focus on developing a good sense of humor because that will make it easier to forge conversation and build friendships with others. It can be intimidating to make small talk if you don’t feel interesting, or at the very least are unsure of what to say. Once humor is injected into a discussion, it tends to catch others off guard, as they are not programmed to expect such dynamism, particularly from a person billed as the “quiet one.” A joke, whether great or just average, puts things in play for the easilyapproachable role by reducing the boundaries which others feel towards your person. You morph sleekly into the laid-back person who isn’t too much obsessed with themselves, and thus become non-threatening. Just as a disclaimer, women may pretend to not laugh if they find the man joking unattractive. This is a harsh truth about life, but we all must learn the lesson. That central point about greasing the atmosphere is worth reemphasizing for the sake of a broader message; the worst way to break free of social inabilities is to enter some sort of elaborate pedestal of seriousness, where you obsess over being judged for showing a little humanity. The moment you elect to embrace a rigid projection of self on the world is the moment that control and opportunities are lost. For example, suppose someone makes a joke at your expense; you can become triggered and storm off, only to

demand an apology later on. Alternatively, you might ease off the pedal for a second and use logic. Alright, so they made a joke. Life is not over, unless it is measured on the basis of ego. You’re alive, capable, and filled with potential. Instead of getting grouchy and sullen, try whiplashing back with a remark that takes the wind from their sails. Successful delivery achieves two things; first, you nullify the effectiveness of the social barb. Providing it is good enough, no one is going to remember what they said, or even WHO said it. Secondly, the fact that you put forward a reply will lead others to appreciate such willingness to remain cool and hold ground, thus multiplying individual clout as a Social Warrior. We can probably best explain the basis for this broader phenomenon by considering the value of laughter. It is easier to write off when one possesses an abundance of the feeling, but not everyone does. When you make someone laugh it sends a signal to the brain to release the pleasurable endorphin chemicals, which make people happy.[i] The ability to trigger a bout of ecstasy in their beings adds a value that will tend to make them gravitate towards you in the future. After all, who would gladly reject good company, especially if the alternative is bland? A further virtue in the strategy of humor lies with the general discomfort which humans possess around strangers. Most of us are uncertain when meet a new person; we don’t know how well they might react to what we say, what beliefs they hold dear, or their general character. As a result, gradual toying emerges, with individuals dancing around in hopes of escaping the possibility to offend, or even worse, alienate entirely. That said, making someone laugh snatches them from a pit of unease towards the warmer feeling of camaraderie. They start to connect, lower their guard, and begin to believe that you are motivated by a desire to be slightly more than another grim robot in the vicinity. Much more than that, it demonstrates value for them as an individual, tying into the concept expressed in the interviews section. We would be foolish to underestimate the relevance of this dynamic. Human longing to believe others are interested in them on

more than a functional level motivates behavior in ways we might not realize. You aren’t pushing to change social skills simply for the sake of doing so; oftentimes the reason is to help in making friends, advancing collaborative benefits, and chasing love. Why go about challenging yourself to improve on those fronts if it leads in the direction of nothing? It would be easier to remain cooped up at home, playing video games while the rest of the world dances with its misery-packed conversation. Obviously there is more to the show, but of course the various rewards must be unlocked. People might ask at this fork, “How does one become amusing if you don’t feel that way naturally?” Like most things, it comes down to practice, but even before that you need to observe others. Comedy is largely a question of looking at everyday aspects of life and finding the humor in them, even if it might seem silly at first glance. People are so wrapped up in the way they want to appear that they simply become parodies of themselves. It explains the songs about their oversized posteriors, drinking of diet sodas to “lose” weight, and the holding of political opinions which are baldly hypocritical, or simply beyond their own comprehension. All you must do is exploit that weakness to get people breaking into smiles (even if they are cringe grins). To give an example, some years back I was out with a cavalcade of women traveling to a party. The lead female (not myself, I promise) was all flustered and running her mouth like a classic typewriter. She had been given vague directions, and naturally began to freak out, ranting that it made no sense, and how the host was every manner of horrible things for letting her fall into such a position. As she flowed, I simply watched, feeling quite amused. While I was sure part of the dynamic related to her attempts at gaining attention from me, I refused to play along because I could tell she did not feel particularly averse to using others in the pursuit of self-worth. Her face blossomed to a bright pink, starkly visible even against the grim throng of the night, suggesting the rage inside was rapidly approaching a fever pitch. She spoke faster, shifting between one hand on hip and both arms tossed at the sky in frantic exaggeration, while the general uneasiness built in those around her.

A few seconds passed, and I put forth my most stereotypical basic chick voice possible. “OMG I can’t even!” Around us, the other girls burst out laughing, but I held firm, letting only a smug smile break from one cheek. My subject turned to me with biting eyes, face cooling amidst a tremble which dotted the edge of her lips. She wanted to laugh more than anything, but kept herself speechless as a matter of personal pride. I don’t put this instance forward as some sort of majestic display of my own ability, but rather to demonstrate the simplicity of humor in human interaction. You don’t need to be a connoisseur of jokes and one-liners to find success; it’s simply a matter of finding the right moment and targeting things for giggles. I could have been worried about a negative reaction or the risk of it falling flat, but chose to align myself with chance. At the end of everything it is better to risk in hopes that joy will come free to others rather than cowering in quiet anticipation of a downside. D. How To Be Heard Having respectable social ability is one thing, but it all becomes diminished if the domineering norms of interaction manage to suppress an otherwise earnest spirit. Suppose you develop the skill, but then come across an extremely garrulous specimen at a party or in the workplace. The capabilities now accrued run the risk of being “overrun” so to speak, by that individual’s behavior. A measured work effort may seem like it has been wasted in this particular person’s presence. The subject in question is welldescribed as the “Indifferent Extrovert,” or IE. They are not forcibly bombastic, yet still possess the wherewithal to completely ignore another person engaged in a conversation, or at least relegate them to secondary status. Of course this is unacceptable. Just because they have determined who is the priority does not mean you should happily cooperate. Doing so is a great way to be designated the “less important person,” because it can actually be habit-forming for future interactions. These people tend to be very talkative, but are also selective about listening to someone else’s take. While conversations are meant to serve as an exchange of ideas or opinions, this fellow will

go clearly towards the agenda of ignoring whatever does not enliven his ego or sense of self-worth. One can clearly (and directly) address him, but the returning attitude will firmly shut to entry. As an example, imagine you are discussing different cars owned in the past. The IE might mention certain vehicles he has previously piloted, and answer questions about those models. At this point you come in and mention personal experiences with various cars. The IE will become visibly annoyed, as though he barely has the patience to tolerate another individual’s experience. As soon as you have finished, he reverts back to his story, almost as if nothing has been said in between. The pattern continues indefinitely, until you either ditch the convo or another helpless victim comes into proximity. Another variation on the IE is the far more obnoxious Semantic Policeman. Birthed of insecurity and lacking kind, she will participate in the conversation only to the extent necessary to pinpoint a visible flaw of language. In the event you present an opinion on something, but fail to use crisp language or perhaps disclaim some obscure idea, she will react by fixating on that mistake or semantic notion instead of addressing the primary concept. Unsurprisingly, she lacks all capacity for intuition, or at least refuses to admit any. Here is an example: upon arriving at college I met a guy who led the campus’ Israel association. In our very first conversation, I noted that “Israel faces threats from various Arab parties, and also from Iran.” He replied by trying to belittle me for saying that Iran was Arab, as opposed to being culturally and ethnically Persian. That is of course not what I said, but the mind of the perpetual condescending always looks at delivery, not substance. Their worth is based upon feeling superior to another person like some professor might do in the university classroom. They take advantage of the fact that few people are prepared to turn back such sharp verbal assaults, largely because the origin is so unexpected. If you have been brought up to be “nice,” or even polite, these missiles are likely to come off as entirely foreign, making a swift response difficult to muster in time. Still another variation is embodied by the “Always Has to Contradict” type. In this case, we have a creature that may well take

your side on specific issues, yet finds an avenue to contradict simply because they can. Perhaps it is the byproduct of a desire to represent all sides, but more than likely they seek the thrill of turning back your viewpoint so as to “stir the pot” and keep things interesting. The way to get heard against these creatures is not play by their rules. Do not hold back and permit them to control the destiny of discussion according to their fancy, but rather cut in and remind them of YOUR presence. When they make moves to dominate the talk, yank them back to the real world by a sharp retort or attitude. For instance, if the other person tries to ignore what was said, remind them: Convo Partner: *talking again about himself* You: “That’s very similar to my own experience.” (Now proceed to go into more detail, and if he resists, repeat the same thing) Even if the guy is a big fan of his own voice, using conversational attrition will make him exasperated, thus reducing enthusiasm for the discourse, or move him towards a more equitable model. Polite aggression is crucial, and the same can be employed for the Semantic Police: Convo Partner B: “You didn’t use the right word. It really should be this.” You: “Nelp, you didn’t hear properly. We’re talking about economic policy, not your thesaurus.” (Now restate your position, ignoring their protests. Remember: you are above the petty squabble). The response in question is a solid control tactic. Arguing on semantics is what they want you to do, because it allows them to shroud low aptitude and intelligence. By forcing everything back to the subject, you deny that fellow intellecto-sexual pleasure. On similar terms, the contradicter can be handled: Convo Contradicter: “LOL you’re right, but with your solution somewhere in the world a child might starve.” You: “I’ll hire you to bring them food.” (Again, back to your main idea without wasting time on their attempt to disagree or

derail). What you might realize from this section is that many people simply use rabbit trails to evade competent interactions, often because they are ignorant of what is being considered. Making the mistake of getting bogged down can result in a failure to communicate, and potentially even humiliation in a debate. E. Using Diplomacy To Deal With Difficult People Despite what most people might say, they loathe being dealt with in a direct and abrupt manner. Maybe it is a function of social acculturation or flimsy feelings, but the risk entailed should not be ignored. Plenty of individuals go around spouting rap-inspired slogans about “Being blunt and to the point,” or “Ima hit you straight up with the truth,” yet the instant someone does the same to THEM, all hell breaks loose in the emotional farmyard. The guns turn to every direction, and financial livelihood is threatened. It gets even worse in today’s digitally-conscious world, where gotcha clips and Twitter mobs can easily unmake someone’s job by simply braying enough. Society has no concept of honor and self-respect, so it all goes. As a result, adopting tact is very crucial, particularly in customer-based situations, or when a random person confronts you. Let’s take the former into consideration. You are working at a customer service desk when Peggy, the local Karen-monger, waddles in and demands justice because her moron-spring child cut his foot on a toy that he happened to deliberately break outside. Peggy swirls her lampshade hairstyle peppered with too much hairspray, snarls behind large TJMax sunglasses, and threatens retaliation if everything is not made right. She proceeds to castigate you rudely, and demands to “Speak with the manager.” Given Peggy’s lack of kind, the appropriate response would be to put her in her place firmly, all in the name of respect. Ahh, but corporate culture is loyal to cowardice and ignominy. Take that route and your job will likely be forfeit. If the position isn’t really important that might not matter, but perhaps it does, and information is forever online, so the brash response is inadvisable.

Instead, adopt a blasé perspective. What she says is irrelevant, because she happens to be irrational and angry. Rely on calming phrases that deescalate the situation by showing some sympathy. “I understand,” is a good one, because it places the speaker on Peggy’s side, at least for the sake of the interaction. Another one is, “Why don’t we take care of this together?” Notice the theme of unity and teamwork; people who are angry, and most particularly women, thrive off the idea of strength in numbers. Be careful however not to liberally agree with Peggy; she might in fact be attempting to heighten the issue, or even secretly record you for legal reasons. The idea is solidarity without complicity. Grown men are less susceptible to the “nice team” concept, so a different method is worthwhile. Emphasize his strengths or interests in your approach. This is very easy if the product being considered has an obvious theme. Supposing little Clarence hit his finger with a whiffle bat and dad gets angry at the department store, maybe he was trying to teach the kid baseball, a sport he probably played himself as a child. Right here is a great connection which can transcend the situation’s tension. Appeal to his inner Uncle Rico, the guy who almost made it (or did go) to State. As we already know, people will blab about their own ego endlessly, and men are no exception. For whatever reason, the guy may actually be there as a battering ram for his amazing wife, Peggy. These men are extremely sensitive about looking bad in front of their spouses, who will screech and scold if he appears too apologetic or weak. Play this off by identifying her concerns, and then helping cast him in a positive light. If you neutralize her anger, the man will tend to deflate his own, which is really just about “keeping the peace” at home rather than any legitimate interests. It’s good to give him a compliment that she can hear, like “He got it all sorted quickly!” The effect is to avoid him losing face and paying—whether with a lack of dinner or less-thanonce-a-month sexual congress. F. When Being Accosted We have all begun to feel the creeping advance of digital outrage in our lives. Someone loses their calm, makes an offhand remark, or gets provoked by an instigator, and all of a sudden the

internet dot com is aflame, demanding their proverbial head for the neighborhood spike. People watch their jobs vanish, make groveling apologies, and have their lives crushed by the online-encouraged mob. This practice, which has been dubbed “Cancel Culture” by conservatives, is really just a creation of their own policies, such as Right-To-Work and at-will employment laws. The proper term is economic terrorism, cheered on by leftist mobs and empowered corporate interests which conservatives protect. There is no demilitarized zone where this behavior gets contained, and thus I believe strongly in the importance of self-protection. Nah, you can’t walk around wearing a jumbo Trojan all the time, but there are other options. First and foremost, remember the following: your employer is not a friend. Corporations are notoriously weak-kneed, and will cave at the slightest pressure from the powers that be in the public square. You can avoid the problem by observing a couple of rules. On the internet, do not have a real name for Facebook or Twitter accounts. Even if you keep pictures uploaded there, not being tied to direct name gives some plausible deniability. Of course it is better to not have any such presence online. Stay away from LinkedIn as well, or at least layer the profile in oodles of security and privacy. Employ a free VPN, or pay for one. Tunnelbear, VPN Tomato, and Tor Browser are decent starting points. Brave is a solid option for somewhat private browsing too, though not full proof alone. Do not use a personal email on any account intended for commenting on news articles or YouTube. Setup a throwaway service and input details starkly different from your own. Though they might still be able to find the target, making things difficult is wise. With that aside, we still face the possibility of being accosted by someone holding malicious intent to crucify on the internet. The same preventative rules apply here. Wearing political hats, shirts, or sporting similar bumper stickers is asking for attention. Although such examples of free expression are important, weighing risks remains a good measure. Certainly anyone electing to choose such attire needs to be vigilant and alert. Going back to posture and presentation, walk confidently, with head raised up and scanning the

area around. Do not stare at a phone or become too engrossed, for a sucker punch could be shortly incoming. Remember that criminals are like wolves; they will usually pick off the weaker or unaware member of the group, so paying attention is a must. Now suppose they waylay to harass about the clothing image or some other invented crime. Be sure to remain calm, particularly if they film. Deploy your own phone and do the same, because the footage will probably be edited for upload. Putting on a smile and talking them down is a good idea as well, because the behavior they are displaying is bound to feed off of negative energy. Speak clearly, but avoid yelling or becoming agitated. Doing the latter will persuade them to press the case, and video watchers are bound to think you are the guilty one. Offer to speak with them about what’s going on, but be sure and note if some crazy false claim is made. If they go: “You called me the [insert meanie word] and I’m angry! I’m here to expose you by acting like a child!” Reply with: “Don’t be silly bra, you’re hearing things. How about I go buy you some Prevagen?” Shaking your head and smiling in-between is a smart practice. The key is to establish maturity over them, which strengthens the case of your innocence. Rational people usually don’t provoke confrontations, which will serve the final image well. Should the altercation occur close to your car, stay away from it. No need for them to film the license plate, which is a common tactic for doxxers. Leave the area and have someone swing by for a pickup, or consider purchasing fresh clothes to change appearances and shake them. Remember: these folks will persist so long as they can do some sort of damage. Being able to vanish is crucial, even if it may feel frustrating at the time. In the event law enforcement gets involved, do not give them video until a copy has been made, and even then through an attorney. The justice system is not friends with the innocent, and evidence tends to miraculously disappear, particularly if the case is a big media story. G. The Importance of Being Mean

A hard fact about our mutterings and debate as humans is that agreeability remains a rare article of worth. Those who present themselves in the most cooperative light are usually the first to be brushed aside due to the aggressive attitudes of the boom box personalities out there. For this reason, your ability to offer a strong and encompassing front is crucial on the path to gaining becoming a Social Warrior. It might not seem natural, but evolution is here to help. To begin, forget about being polite. The people in life who will verbally cut at the knee are either used to sparring or simply expect no response. Their feelings need to become secondary in the interests of your own victory. Size them up by paying attention to the patterns of speech and interaction, carefully assessing before making a move. In point, I once had a coworker who would resort to the blustering, dumfounded reaction whenever he wished to undermine what I said in a political discussion. I noticed that he would always pick an extreme, “Look there’s a squirrel!” respond to derail my point. His dichotomies were predictably ridiculous, relying on a bumbling grasp for close ties to make an argument. The strategy was to make a dramatic retort and assume the target would fall silent, thus validating what he spat forth. You must be aware of this behavior in the realm of communication, particularly as it relates to maximizing self-respect in the eyes of observers. Failing to offer an appropriate answer can severely hurt your public image, something which matters more than ever in today’s physical and digital social realms. There are two primary routes of attack (or defense) in this category. First off, you can simply ignore the blabbermouth’s words entirely and continue on with the personal opinion. Such an avenue will work depending on how insistent they happen to be. There are those who will be deflated by your refusal to entertain them, and slip back to passive acceptance. On the other hand, he might keep trying to force the point, perhaps by accusing you of not being capable of “handling the truth.” Therein rests the weakness of avoiding the matter. I personally prefer to employ option 2, which means an immediate dismissal or mockery of their suggestion, coupled by reinforcement of my own argument. It can go something like this:

You: “That’s a silly comparison which holds no water. Let’s remember what we’re referring to.” The observation should be made gently, along with a petulant hand wave dismissing their notion. No need to finger-wag at them, merely the space off to one side. Pay attention to the use of the collective “we” in my response. The method includes both people to signify that the rogue actor is being “brought back” to the fold, as though they already know their behavior was wrong. Had I chosen the word “I,” it would imply that we are equal partners in the debate on perfectly balanced sides, thus weakening the dominance of my own position.

VI. Dealing With Arguments

A natural extension of advocating for oneself on the social plane involves understanding the various argumentative tactics individuals will use in conversation. Lack of familiarity with one or more of these can cause an aspiring Social Warrior to stumble or falter when the moment of action is at hand. For this reason, I have compiled an assortment of the most popular, along with appropriate replies to delimit the impact of their employers. “I’m Older Than You” This particular attack is older than dirt, or at least in the same age range, but that buys it no discounts on Depends. Being older certainly can confer on the person better understanding or knowledge, but only if those additional years have been spent wisely, accumulating wisdom and worthwhile experiences. All too often however it is an excuse to make up for lack of knowledge in a difficult debate. Age thus becomes a fig leaf to arrogantly dismiss other opinions, absent any empirical facts. Imagine discussing a business idea with an older sibling (or elderly person). Because it excites as a possibility, you have done extensive research and looked at potential venues to start. Upon hearing all this, the listener outright eliminates the entire concept. Skeptic: “It just won’t work.” Entrepreneur: “Why?” Skeptic: “It just won’t. Trust me, I’m older than you.” They could be right, but so far nothing has been offered to justify why you’re wrong, save for the authority of their age. Now, if this person was to recount their experience working in a similar business, some kind of knowledge gleaned from education, or even observations of business trends over the years, then the counter would be fairly valid. Instead, it serves as a Trojan horse to mask a lack of intelligence (or motivation to learn). How to Respond:

In this case compassion is a good option. They are probably not doing it out of malice, but some misplaced sense of paternalism. Simply reframe the discussion around their claim of age by inquiring about what actual experience they might have. You might go: “I’m curious to know about your experience/reasoning on the question.” Tone is crucial here. Don’t be sarcastic or nasty when addressing them, but rather more inquisitive with the approach. If they really don’t know anything, the response will be either shutting up or providing some B.S. filler to get away from the conversation. In each case, you blunt the sword without completely crushing their ego and leading to humiliation. The benefit remains that if they have something valuable to say, you can learn from that input. “That’s a Straw Man!” Without any doubt, this is probably the most misused complaint in modern discourse, often because it replaces the need to actually present a cogent argument. To be clear, a straw man is not simply pointing out the weakness of a position, or contradicting someone’s opinion. A genuine example would be something like this: Random PAWG: “Conservatives only care about tax cuts, nothing else.” Obviously this statement is incomplete, and not an actual picture of what “conservatives” support. But it serves the purpose by creating a caricature, particularly when the target can be associated with the rich, corporations, oligarchy, etc. At the same time, a person who describes a weak position accurately is not committing the same error. So when someone proclaims that “the government is there to eliminate poverty,” yet cannot point to any evidence in support, they’re not being “strawmanned” because opposing facts are presented. Likewise, someone disagreeing with you is not a strawman, no matter how convenient a retort that could be.

How To Respond

Ask (or demand) them to provide specifics. It’s not a bad idea to request definitions of what a strawman is as well, because people tend to snatch buzzwords out of the discourse whirlpool without doing proper legwork. The very complaint about this fallacy is typically employed as a distraction or deflection so no further effort is required. By insisting they come to the fore with details, you are denying the squirmy worm an easy escape route. In the event they complain that the position is being simplified, ask them why they did not present a PhD dissertation-style defense of their own beliefs, and the same for yours. Speaking frankly, I have never met someone who hasn’t already, if not seconds ago, done the same crime they accuse you of. Hold them accountable for their actions, as it will make the social world a better place. “Just Another Ad Hominem” Together with strawman, this is an extremely popular tactic to employ in verbal sparring, and is also poorly-understood by those who utilize it. An ad hominem occurs when a person declines to deal with the granular nature of an issue and instead attacks the chap making the argument. Once more, it does not refer to a person who embarrasses an opponent by revealing their lack of knowledge. Here is a solid example: “A country must control its borders to maintain prosperity and public safety.” That is a fair statement, but one that could be challenged by questions of degree, or the libertarian principle surrounding free movement of labor. There is a way, or multiple ways, to construct an intelligent response to the opposing person rather than diving into nothingness. But a normal snapback might contain something of the following: “You just hate immigrants/Hispanics.” Notice how this answer doesn’t get at any value judgment related to the claim; instead, the employer brandishes it as a means to set terms of the debate. If you hold position A, you are some type of hateful, soulless villain, much like we might see in a Disney cartoon. Furthermore, there is no way for an intelligent debate to be held on the matter, as the perfect dichotomy lives at their pleasure.

How To Respond The best thing to do when faced with such a person is immediate dismissal or mockery. In other cases, the subject has salvageable additions to the discussion which ought to be pried out through respectful interaction. Here we have someone determined to reach a specific outcome, on an almost philosophical basis. They will not be shaken by the whisperings of “civil debate.” In their mind, the target was sinful before they even began to comprehend an idea. You might go: “You clearly don’t know what ad hominem is. Give us something else to work with.” Should it happen that you are facing AH tactics, simply laughing at them is a nice way to diminish the wind in their verbal sails. Remember, these folks only wave the magic wand of fear to silence opposing viewpoints. The anticipation is that you will cower and try to defend against the charge, giving them free rein to propagate stupidity. A better option is to push the idea back at them: “Wait, you support robbing those countries of their workers and doctors so they become poorer? You must be a racist!” It’s silly, but the framing works because they are not prepared. Take it and run. “That’s a Slippery Slope Fallacy” Here we arrive at my favorite offering of the internet intellectual, because it reveals so very much about them. The method is usually put forward by those who devoutly support whichever social or economic system is predominant in their world. So if they live in the United States, they will worship the Constitution and brush off any serious examples where the document has been effectively invalidated by politicians. The logic is that concerned people are creating a “slippery slope” by implying something will lead to a worse outcome down the road. In point: “The adoption of the Patriot Act and internet monitoring calls into question whether we will enjoy any privacy rights in the future.” Sure, it could be an exaggeration, but the legal foundations are in place to make speculations. Here is how our friend responds:

“No, that’s a slippery slope argument. You’re implying those laws and practices can actually change the Constitution, which will never happen, because too many people support it.” As you can see, they have attempted to dismiss the very capacity of the Patriot Act and associated actions by the State in order to continue believing in the system as it is supposed to be. Their reality does not appear to accommodate any alternatives, at least within this particular subject plane. How To Respond In this case, using detail helps a lot. They can wave the Constitution as a broad argument, and you retort by mentioning specific areas where the Patriot Act has been used for particular ends. Follow-up by contrasting what has occurred (legally) despite the presence of the Constitution. Also ask them if it is possible to ignore the document and not face consequences if you are president. They won’t have much to say after this point. “There’s No TRUE Scotsman” In contemporary discussions, this option, also known as the “Appeal to Purity,” manages to manifest itself violently, even against all facts. For whatever bizarre reason, even highly-educated people fall into the same trap, particularly those defending specific views of religion. So if you make the mistake of pointing out that certain denominations are theologically inconsistent (let’s suppose Lutheranism vs. Catholicism, for example), the apologist for Christianity will claim that Lutherans are not “true” Christians. Alright, but WHO defines what a true Christian is? Well, that’s more elusive than you might think, because as it turns out, no one can be a true Christian. That’s right, even though the religion has billions of worldwide adherents, any individual Christian who makes your opponent looks bad (or the religion) is suddenly excluded from the mix. Even worse offenders are certain Muslim apologists, who will craft a contorted argument wherein only a person who is equal to Allah can be a “true Muslim,” and thus anyone who does not fit the bill fails at being a true Muslim.

We might stop to laugh at the concept, but such a large group supports it that attention is warranted. You have to be ready with a retort which carefully avoids provocation, particularly on the matter of religion. If someone feels their spiritual beliefs are being persecuted, they will swiftly begin complaining about the attempt to victimize them because the dissenter must “Hate Christians/Hindus/Muslims etc.” This will occur even in the event you are religious as well, because for many of these folks, the only ones questioning a belief are those who hate it. How To Respond It’s best to direct responsibility towards their lot, based upon what they already said. Ask them to define what true religion is, and when they appeal for God as an example, follow-up by suggesting everyone is doomed on earth because they fall short of God. The reason this works is that your opponent is usually defending some specific, material conception of politics or religion. If no one can realistically meet the requirements as an individual or collective, then the theoretical bullet points are quite irrelevant and should be discarded in the context of the debate. Also press the point on belief versus action. Should a politician self-described as a Democratic Socialist advocate for ten policies but only achieve two in office, this does not mean they cease to be described that way. In the same manner, spiritual ideas rubbing up against the modern world do not get banished merely because they are imperfectly-realized, or perhaps not at all.

VII. A Note On Digital Dating The FSD Problem Now we come to a section that is more relevant for men, although the ladies might enjoy it from a sociological perspective. As a society, we collectively believe that women are always right, especially in the realm of dating. Males are expected to initiate contact, and also read the signs of attraction or disgust, even if the latter is disguised by a polite “arm’s length” policy. Men who fail to understand these indicators and know their place will be labeled as misogynists or violent haters, even if their intent is genuine. Society closes ranks around women to seal the deal, with many other males helping to support that effort. I don’t bring this up as an invective against women; in all honesty, many of them are not fully aware of the advantages they hold where social attitudes are concerned, particularly due to the blaring complaints made by feminists. They might well see the world as oppressive, when in reality the power remains in their grasp. A prime example of this lies with Female Social Dissonance, the regressive phenomenon you may come across as a young man living in the current year. The dynamic is forged by a culture which uplifts the notion of female empowerment, whilst also declining to demand responsibility from women. It has the effect of hurting both genders, but we must be careful in outlining an intelligent analysis. FSD works something like this: suppose you have started an interaction with a girl, either talking in-person or online. You have common interests, and the flow of conversation is good. At a certain point, she suddenly ceases to communicate or respond. It’s not the result of a poor comment you made, nor even the deadening discussion; she simply declines to answer. The next stop is extremely precarious in nature. By not responding, she has already secured a superior position in the throes of interaction. It is possible that she still views you as a

backburner or alternative if other options fail, but that will only happen at her pleasure and initiation. You might be tempted to respond and continue the conversation, yet such a move almost assuredly means getting coated with the “desperate loser” point, a fact unlikely to enhance prospects, though you might luck out with a nice, every 48 hours reply. Whatever happens, one might have a strong (and justified) urge to call her out for this bizarre behavior. I strongly advise against it. In our topsy-turvy world, you will be seen (first and foremost by her), as having a problem. You are “bitter” or “angry” because she isn’t talking. Forget her rudeness and treatment of you like a subhuman; what matters is that an impudent guy forgot his proper place in the social pecking order. Shame on him, and damnation too. You are merely confirming a probable lack of options, so the fault is squarely in one place. As frustrating as this might seem, drop it and walk away. Although it has the effect of not checking her poor, antisocial conduct, you will never be seen in that moment as having the standing to do so. Only a preponderance of money, elevated social status, or exceptionally good looks might allow that. And she must know that the first two exist for them to matter. The Problem With Online Dating If you struggle socially, or perhaps are just interested, there are countless studies displaying the weaknesses of dating websites and apps for the average person. A particularly pronounced idea is the 80/20 rule, where the first percentage of women is gunning for the upper 20 percent of men. Some have argued it is closer to a 90/10 percent spread, which doesn’t improve things much. With those rules in place, and a roughly 78/22 percent male-to-female ratio populating Tinder,[ii] it’s important to be a realist. An averagelooking man who goes on Tinder or Match and is unable to flaunt wealth or status stands to suffer greatly. They can look forward to ghosting, ignored texts, and scarce opportunities. You simply are not good enough for the image-driven world of today. Denying these truths will likely lead to disagreement or rage at results in the romantic area.

Back when online dating emerged in the late 1990s, it was billed as a fantastic way for busy professionals or bar-shy organisms to meet up and find love. Most sites were membership-based and required users to craft extensive profiles detailing their personality. As a result, people were serious about being there, and the ratios held promise. Things changed with the rise of the smartphone, which allows folks the freedom to aggressively swipe on pictures in hopes of a mutual ”like,” giving chances at a hookup. The low bar to profile design and participation means almost anyone can create an account, and the pool is gigantic. Like with money or college degrees, the more that is created, the less value each individual one holds. As you might imagine, the system boils down almost strictly to your face, making it less effective for the normal guy. Herein lies my reasoning against online dating. In-person I am a tall (over six feet), broad-shouldered guy with a deep voice and good sense of humor. I would probably be seen as anywhere between a 5-7 depending on the person rating. When I go online, I become just another picture in the mix. I can’t really communicate my height or presence over text efficiently, and my sense of humor turns me into a digital court jester for girls seeking short-term validation. Write or highlight this point: your dating value is always lower online than in person. Don’t waste time getting frustrated or disrespected in messages as you attempt to develop skills; instead, utilize those resources for the real world.

VIII. Conclusion I hope this short piece has benefited you in some way. As noted many times in the past, I am a firm believer in the value of collective success. While we should work hard on individual betterment, our ability to reach out and lift others can do wonders for their destiny, and also add worth to one’s own. Never hold back from an opportunity to be a positive influence on others, as the outcome could easily leave you with an immeasurable feeling of triumph, which is the pinnacle of the Social Warrior mission. When I was shy, I benefited from the scant number of people who were willing to make an effort to bring me into the fold, so to speak. They were not required to, but did so because of personal experiences with what it is like to have minimal social ability in a world which demands its maximum provision. This too should be your objective. You may well be the person who offers another individual the chance at something better, if only the challenge is accepted. Don’t be afraid if you see someone who appears to be struggling with social interaction; instead, incorporate them into the conversation or give them a leadership role in an organization so they can begin to thrive. As always, if you feel something further should be added to improve the effectiveness of this script, please let me know. I place high value on whatever helps bolster our general standing, and will swiftly embrace it wherever possible.

About the Author Martin Goldberg is an economist and social scientist who has also authored the books Total Invincibility, Six Months In A Van, How To Suck At Business, Ass Culture, and Centrism: Why We Need It. When he’s not chuckling at his own handiwork, he can be found working as an amateur gardener and fitness expert. He makes his home in Florida land. You can find him online pretty easily with a web browser search.

References

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Facts & Statistics. (n.d.). Retrieved https://adaa.org/about-adaa/press-room/facts-statistics

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[i]Welsh, J. (2011, September 14). Why Laughter May Be the Best Pain Medicine. Retrieved from https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/why-laughter-may-be-thebest-pain-medicine/ [ii]Iqbal, M. (2020, June 23). Tinder Revenue and Usage Statistics (2020). Retrieved August 8, 2020, from https://www.businessofapps.com/data/tinderstatistics/#:~:text=As of December 2019 it,to stats published on Statista.