A Paper Life [1 ed.] 9780060751029

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A PAPER LIFE

Tatum O'Neal

A PAPER

LIFE Harper Entertainment An Imprint of HarperCoWinsPuhlishers

Photographs, unless otherwise credited, are courtesy of the personal collection of

Tatum

0'-\eal.

People magazine cover courtesy of People Weekly

© Time

Inc. All

rights reserved.

A p.APER LIFE. Copyright

©

2004 by Tatum O'Neal.

served. Printed in the United States of .America.

may be used

or reproduced in any

.'Ml

No part

manner whatsoever without

written permission except in the case of brief quotations in critical articles

In jiidith

embodied

and re\iews. For information address Harper-

Collins Publishers Inc., 10 East 53rd Street,

Designed

rights re-

of this book

Ahbate and Bett}

ISBN 0-06-054097-4 Printed in the U.S.A.

Lew

New York,

N\' 10022.

To Kevin. Seax, and Emily

M)

true inspirations

CONTENTS Acknowledgments

Thirteen

ACKNOWLED

GMENTS I

COULD NEVER

do

this

book

have

—without

made

a

new

life for

the love and

—

myself

let

alone

encouragement of

three children, Kevdn, Sean, and Emily

McEnroe. Every

my cell

my body comes alive when I'm around them. My kids have brought me such great joy and taught me so much about the in

simple yet profound healing power of love that words can't

even begin

to

convey

my gratitude.

I

could never have survived

the battles of the past decade without them.

how

my

I

heart.

know

love you!

I

might not even have the

help of Dr. Richard Rosenthal. Dr. Rosenthal

wouldn't

thank you, Kevin, Sean, and Emily from the

to live. So,

bottom of

I

—

for

gift

of a

new

Thank you

life

without the

—and God

love you,

your expert knowledge of chemical depen-

dency, as well as your patience, love, and belief in me. Dr. Joel Kassimir,

I

want

to

thank you

too, for

making

me

laugh.

You

rock! I

also

want

to

acknowledge

my

brothers. Griffin, Patrick,

and Redmond O'Neal. This book would never have existed without the fiery

belief,

enthusiasm, and lo\ang encouragement of Maureen

O'Brien,

my editor at

HarperCollins.

From

the very beginning.

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS she was convinced that never, ever lost faith

struggle to get

nature

—

I

a story

— though

out. She's

it

a bighearted

spiration.

had

I

my

worth telUng, and she

sometimes did

I

Irish sister

dynamo and an

and

—during my

a true force of

unfailing source of in-

appreciate everything you've done to nurture this

book, Mo, and

I

always cherish your incredible energy and

will

support.

Everyone

HarperCollins has been wonderful. Special

at

my

thanks go out to

and

great publisher, Michael Morrison,

team of top-notch

his

Libby Jordan, Debbie

pros:

Stier,

Sharyn Rosenblum, Lindsey Moore, Susan Sanguily, Beth fin,

Jim Fox,

HarperCollins

Kim

Lewis, Betty Lew, and everyone else at

who

helped us along the way.

The person who loyal

Sil-

really

brought

and courageous cowriter, EHsa

this

book

Petrini.

to life

She

sat

was with

my me

through hours and hours of sometimes incoherent ramblings fought to resurrect memories that were almost too painful

as

I

to

recount out loud. Her loving patience

page of

and

this book. Elisa,

I

love the

evident on every

way you captured my voice

unsnarled a lot of tangled threads to create such a rich

Thank you

fabric.

between book

make my

for helping to

remind

my

me

life

a "paper

life,"

covers.

I'm very grateful to the people in

in

is

that

am

I

an

artist,

my

life

who

constantly

watch over me, and sustain

me

work: the beautiful Allison Levy of Innovative Artists,

Scott Harris of Innovative L.A. and Richie Jackson and

Gary

Gersh of Innovative N.Y.; the great Bryan Young of Untitled Entertainment,

who

through so

many

Weinberg,

who

lieved in

me

of

is

stood by

my

me and

wisely guided

ups and downs, and of course, Jason

Untitled Entertainment and

through

all

me

my

trials

and

who

has be-

tribulations (and

some

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS my

triumphs too) over the past fifteen years; as well as

lawyer,

George Sheanshang, who has put up with some weird

and picked up

a

—and

the four of you agent, a

powerhouse

fierce advocate for

to

lot

me when

today,

my

I

calls

owe

I

a little

to

original

was one, who was such

was such

a

girl.

up with mischief-making

suffering Diane Lewis for putting

Tatesky through so

many

movies.

The people who keep my are

am

I

Sue Mengers of ICM,

there ever

if

what

of

speak of the past without thanking the long-

can't

I

A

few pieces.

everyda\'

running smoothly

life

Amie Herrmann, Diana Aronin, and Michael Mann

of

my

accounting firm, Starr and Company, LLC. Thank you so

much Dan

me all these years! my literary agent, the

for looking out for

I'm also grateful to

Strone of Trident

soothed me, no matter

Media Group, whose calm

how

been very helpful

My life

Carrie Adelson, and

few others

my work

made me. His

on

this

my

book

Evans.

I'd like to

starting with

my

on

Feldstein,

single out a

I

could not do without, and

—

you're the great-

me as an artist, actress, me the courage to "live life

Corgan's absolute belief in

and mother has helped give

life's

Mimi

and

dear, dear friend Eliza-

the fabulous and fantastic Lesley Morrison

friend,

loving

thanks because of their support during

beth Clark Zoya, whose friendship

est! Billy

my

Andrea

oldest ones,

Esme Grey

for special

assistant,

too.

has been enriched tremendously by

devoted friends, especially

voice always

high-strung the ins and outs of the

unfamiliar world of book publishing Hilary, has

handsome

very

terms'

Fisher's

— thank

you, and

encouragement and

I

love you. Billy! love

Without

and support,

could have seen this project through. Mimi,

your two beautiful sons. Jack and Brendan.

I

I

love

also

I

never

you and

owe

a debt

I

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS of gratitude to Karen Curious and Andrea "A.D." love you,

ney

this

girl.

You

are the best!

book has been, and

been able

John McEnroe

on

father,

it's

all

DeFiore— a hard jour-

only with your help that

I've

to reach the final step.

Finally, to give credit

my

You

know what

for being a great

Ryan O'Neal,

—and out—

where

to movies.

credit

dad

for giving

is

due,

I

want

to

thank

my three children, and me life and turning me

for

A PAPER LIFE

PROLOGUE Ryans Daughter

On August

21

2003,

,

I

pressed

my palms

into

outside Hollywood's beloved Vista Theater to

eth anniversary of Paper Moon.

debuted

received an

winner

movie

in the

—now considered

Kneehng alongside me

who

Laszlo Kovacs,

a masterpiece

if

less brilliant as

Tanned and

fit,

my

—

my

father

struggle with leukemia.

mend

for handprints

it

him

that he

were

still

relucrole of

life.

sign of his two-vear

he was diagnosed,

was

my

was the crowning

father in real

showed no

When

as

shattered fences with heartfelt thanks for

given me, assuring

—and

shot the film in stark and Ivrical black

tant grifter-guardian on-screen

—

I

the youngest Oscar

and white, and Ryan O'Neal, who was dazzling

his career

the thirti-

was eight vears old when

I

Academy Award, becoming

in history.

wet cement

mark

the

of

lo\'e

I'd all

my

tried to

he had life.

Re-

cently he had fractured our fragile peace by announcing in print that Alicia Silverstone, his costar in a TV^ series,

was the

daughter he "should have had." To drive the insult home, he'd added, "But

The

we

can't always get

tabloids

scent of conflict.

were

We

smiles, to perform the

what we want."

sniffing the air

foiled

them by

around

rising,

Hollvwood Hug.

us, eager for a

with professional

TATUM O'NEAL Hovering

background was

in the

Irish twin, eleven

months

—once

Ryan famously knocked out

own

through his

them.

made me

It

like a flak if

that lose

—

my

brother,

my

some

my

—and

and the

law.

bridge to the past, to

of their sting

when he recounts

him wrangle

heartsick to watch

father's

teeth

his

collisions with tragedy, drugs,

He's fiercely funny, though, and he's

memories

my

younger. Over the years, he'd gained

sometimes as the victim of

a certain notoriety,

fury

Griffin,

the

crowd

greeting the fans, pressing us for autographs

he viewed himself more as an employee than as a

—

as

member

of the family. Luckily,

I

had

my own

family with me.

My sons

Kevin and

Sean, at seventeen and fifteen, already towered over me, while Emily,

my

youngest, was

age twelve. We'd spent a for the

boys

still

full

small and sweet and girlish at

day shopping for

—how handsome

they were!

new

my red

jeans and a jacket for Emily, which she wore with

My of

late

mother, in her southern drawl, used to

them my "show

show them and

off.

I

kids,"

meaning

was proud, and

I

that

sport coats

—and cute corduroy

I

call

belt.

the three

should be proud to

bolstered by their loyalty

felt

love.

The

kids

were protective, sensing

my

anxiety at seeing

Ryan, always unpredictable and capable of lashing out, and

wondered nervously

if

Redmond,

he'd brought

Farrah Fawcett. Just a year older than Kevin,

become

a

somewhat forbidding

to

life

had kicked him out of the house. Whatever

—

in or out of

be around.

my

— Redmond

father's favor

drug

had been peppered

when he was

with arrests and hospitalizations, and

status

Redmond had

figure after landing in

rehab at age fourteen. Since then his

father

his son with

sixteen,

my

his current didn't

seem

PAPER LIFE

A

Crowded by photographers, we

filed into the theater, a

classic Egyptian-revival palace with

pharaohs holding up the

roof.

There, straight ahead, lay another psychic land mine, a

longtime friend of

me when

molested

physically childlike

night

my

when

I

father

call

I'll

"Gavin,"

was about the same age

I

—

whom

my own

as

— and

just as

daughter. He'd done

slit

my

When

wrists.

I'd

"Hey, Gavin,"

I

my

a

got-

I'd

complained, he was

banished from the inner circle for a while, but

blowing the whistle on

on

it

was so embittered by adult betrayals that

ten drunk and

too, for

who had

was punished

I

father's lifestyle.

said coolly, taking the high road. "Nice to

see you. You look really good."

Pushing past him, my father-figure/friend,

reached an

I

wore

which would have looked funny and

affected on any other man. first

me

to take a

met

at

He

and the director of Paper Moon.

his signature ascot,

we

Bogdanovich,

oasis: Peter

my father's

It

flashed

me back to

beach house

in

the day

when

Malibu. He'd asked

walk with him on the beach.

"You don't look

you belong on the beach,"

like

I

said, star-

ing at that ascot.

He'd rolled up

his pants,

out to be

my

I

at seven,

wdth tangles in

fact,

with

audition.

little

and we headed

my

hair

and no acting

formal schooling at

on. He'd later say that

off for

what turned

was a scrawny, knock-kneed

it

was

my

all

little

training

waif

—

in

— but Peter took me

scrappy attitude that got

me

the job.

We

exchanged warm greetings and then took our

with Peter as a bulwark between

me and my

father.

seats,

As the

— TATUM O'NEAL credits rolled, there

was wild clapping

nominated

Supporting Actress for the

for Best

recently died

wounded,

of cancer.

Then

the

for

screen

film,

filled

also

who had with

my

Addie Loggins, stand-

willful face as eight-year-old

ing on the prairie over her mother's

Madeline Kahn,

open grave

in

Depression-

era Kansas.

hadn't seen the movie in years. Entertainment Weekly

I

my performance "rewrote the book on movie moppets, calling me "feisty ... a child star for a hip, cynical age." Seeing that little face again reminded me that pain was would say

that

"

the

flip

side of feistiness.

My own young life

had

eerily

echoed

my mother was still alive. In the grip of virtually abandoned me and Griffin, leaving us

Addie's, even though

addiction, she

squalor

in

—

starving, shoeless,

men

and abused by the

Ryan

finally

came

in her

to

my

—

and ragged

as well as beaten

life.

rescue, just as he

was doing on-

screen in a sputtering old jalopy, playing Moses (Mose) Pray, the Bible-peddling

con

man who

is

thought working together in Paper "This was her into

first

probably Addie's pa. He'd

Moon would

help us bond.

opportunity to channel her mind and energy

something constructive," he

told the press.

"And

this

movie would give her something she never had enough of love."

I

NEVER DREAMED

imagined that sitting ity

it

around on

was both

far

less regulation

that shooting a film

would be

would be so hard.

like a play rehearsal,

one another. The

real-

grueling, for there

was

stools reciting lines to

more challenging and

I

with everyone

then of child actors' hours. Even the concept of

A

my

acting confused me. Idolizing please,

I

once blew a take when

and blurted, "Daddy, are you mad

and desperate

father

panicked

1

at

PAPER LIFE to

at his gruffness

me?"

"No!" he growled, "I'm doing the scene."

There were times when body's patience. At eight, six or

could barely read, so memorizing

I

be delivered

one point chaining

me

joking, of course, even Still,

when

I

if

me

Addie

some

to a tree until

me

to do.

was

I

serious.

The opening

ladies persuading

Mose

se-

to de-

a preacher says, "Let's get the child

As they haggle with Mose, a

trying to fob

me

off,

the

cup of water without a word of comfort.

wasn't in the script, but

Addie had

nailed

1

my lines, them. He was

to learn

aunt in Missouri. They're gathered near an

pump, and

minister hands

me

ad-libbed, Peter trusted me.

to her

water."

to force

his exasperation

quence ends with two church

old-fashioned

—along with nuances and —was beyond me.

moving car

in a

Peter bribed and threatened

liver

inexperience tested every-

seven pages of solid dialogue

inflections, to

at

my

knew

I

exactly

turned away and

—

instinctively

dumped

it

It

—what

on the ground.

There's such sadness and hopelessness in that gesture,

coming from devil she is

—

knew

unbroken.

her barfly mother

—the

but there's defiance too, proof that her

spirit

a character

It is

he recognized

a

how

who

measure of deeply

I

has

lost

Peter's genius as a director that

identified with Addie's bruised in-

nocence, steely wariness, and above firsthand

what

it

would take

all,

resilience.

I

knew

for her to survive.

Setting off with Mose on

the car trip east, Addie dis-

covers that she can one-up him, out-con him, and even thwart

"

"

TATUM O'NEAL her grown-up

much

the film's scenario

had

acknowledge that

to

mentalizing Mose, he

when

was almost spooky how

mimicked my own

Now, watching Ryan

father. I

rival for his affections. It

objectively as a

later life

with

was superb. Without

his art

my

movie buff/actor,

made him human and

senti-

appealing, even

preying on widows or trying to bilk Addie out of the

money he had

extorted in her name. That extortion yielded the

famous, lisping exchange that

my

children used to delight in

repeating:

"I

want my $200.

man how you 'cause

it's

If I don't get

got

it

and

he'll

my

$200,

I'll

tell

m,ake you give

a p'liceit

to

me

MINE."

'But I don't have

"Then

GIT

it."

it.

At the time, Ryan was considered one of America's best

and most

versatile actors. In What's U-p,

Doc? he'd been laugh-

out-loud funny; and in Loi^e Story, he was a beautiful, crystalclear

man

with blue eyes and a soft miracle voice

—an

irresistible heartthrob.

In Paper

Moon, he was

truly at the top of his

game.

He

de-

served an Oscar nomination at the very least, even against the

tough competition that

year,

when Marlon Brando, Jack

Nicholson, Al Pacino, and Robert Redford

Lemmon

for his role in Sai^e the Tiger.

all lost

out to Jack

However, as Peter Bog-

danovich would say of Paper Moon: "Ryan's wonderful

and he

sat there

Maybe

that's

and watched the

what

relationship. Jealousy

first

in

it,

kid steal the picture.

tipped the hair-trigger scales of our

is rife

in

showbiz families. Legend has

PAPER LIFE

A

it

—and people

memories

needy

women

to the

ton,

Melanie I

Oscar nomina-

that,

in his life

more

physically.

and drugs before

haunted by neglect,

Griffith,

craved, the

and

to sex

little girl, still

even

love

got the

remember

don't

I

1

but there are

that I've blocked.

growing inured

cuit,

when

that

remained Ryan's companion on the Hollywood party

I

ally

—

Ryan slugged me.

tion,

A

me

tell

The

— Bianca

I

was

in

cir-

my teens.

clung to him and

I

Jagger, Angelica

Hus-

and many more. However, the more and abusive he grew, emotion-

distant role

I

longed to play was never written

into Ryan's script: daughter. I

would go on

man. He brought nis court to wrest

and

my

to

marry John McEnroe, another punishing

his

trademark tantrums home from the ten-

later,

when

him, to the court of law, trying

left

I

kids away. For a time, he succeeded because, after

slipped into the darkness of depression and ad-

our divorce,

I

diction that

seems

to

be the family curse. To see

endured the humiliation of drug lieving I'd failed

my

kids, I'd

and supervision, but be-

them was my most agonizing shame.

my

children honestly of

with compassion greater than deser\'ed.

tests

my

They forgave me

struggles, I'd

at a

told

I'd

and they responded

imagined, or even thought

time

when

I

I

could barely for-

give myself.

So, ultimately. Paper find

it,

Moon

didn't bring

me

love.

But

I

did

with them.

Sitting with

my

beautiful, brilliant, healthy kids to cele-

brate the anniversary of the movie that saved me, changed me,

and is

a

set

me on my life

path was the supreme joy. The film

diamond, a work of

evocative today as

art, just as

when we made

itself

beautiful and poignant and it.

I

felt

privileged to be a

TATUM O'NEAL crown of American cinema.

facet of such a jewel in the

That

—besides

gift to

the gift of

life itself

—was my

father's greatest

me.

Watching myself play Addie from the perspective of hood, face,

I

adult-

can see the wise old soul behind that tiny plaintive

and

I

think,

/

love that

little girl. It's

painful to

remember

the heartaches that left her so self-possessed, so tenacious and

brave I'm

—and sad

proud of

to

know

her. I'm

that certain struggles never

proud of what

she's

end

— but

accomplished and

what she has overcome: I've

overcome neglect and deprivation.

I've

overcome abandonment and abuse.

I've

overcome physical and mental

brutality

— and fought

back. I've I've

triumphed over addiction. stood

whelming

my ground

in

life,

forces with the might

alone, even against over-

and money

to

crush me.

I've

purged myself of bitterness and anger and remained open love.

I've

kept

my

moral compass intact and aimed

north. I

have survived

— and won.

to

at true

ONE Dorothy, aka Joanna

The story of Paper Moon reflects my childhood, but it also closely parallels my mother's and strangely foreshadows my daughter's. Three generations of women: we all lost our mothers early

in life

—

virtually, to addiction;

when

I

succumbed

determined

the

death; the second

first literally, to

and the

third,

my daughter,

demons.

to familiar

It is

temporarily,

a cycle that I'm

to break.

My mother was

born, like Addie, in the heart of the Great

Depression, not in Kansas but in Americus, Georgia. The elder of two daughters of

she was

Joanna.

named

A

letter

for her

Henry and Dorothy English Cook,

mother but

later christened herself

from her cousin Libba that

I

discovered after

her death depicts her early childhood as cozy: rocking on the old porch swing, sitting by the potbellied stove, sliding

down

the banister at her grandmother's.

She was the only one not

in

swerved off the road because her shoulder, plunging

down

a

the car

mom

sister, Virginia,

Libba's letter recalls, in haunting detail,

10

fell

father

asleep on his

sandy embankment into a ravine.

Both her mother and her baby

"We were on

when her

the playground.

.

.

.

how

My ma

died instantly.

she got the news:

had come

to school.

PAPER LIFE

A

You had

'The pillow print of the

1

put in

my

body

little

stroller for the

father,

of a broken heart. So, at age

to sit in

who was

—

or,

had an im-

for a

she always believed,

my mother became

six,

time she was farmed out

For a

baby

kept saying,

was badly hurt but lingered

year before dying of a ruptured spleen

grandmother,

Momma

in it."

my mother's

Henry,

And

day before.

visited the

all

to live

an orphan.

with her maternal

confined to a wheelchair with an

osteoporosis-like condition. She

was

also addicted to

mor-

phine, prescribed by the town doctor, making her the

known

link in

Even

my

in that

environment,

my

mother managed

She was pretty and vivacious, with

church. By the time

to

bloom.

a million-dollar smile,

so talented at singing and playing the piano that she star at

first

drug dependence.

family's chain of

my mother reached

and

became

a

her early teens,

however, her grandmother had grown too feeble and impoverished to raise her. She was adopted by a wealthy local family,

who saw

her through high school then sent her off to Agnes

Scott College near Atlanta, which was one of the top women's

schools in the South. I've

heard rumors that she was molested by a

my mother

her adoptive family, but rarely

never spoke of

mentioned her teenage marriage

which her

women

lifelong last

name was

of her era were bred to

but denial in mines. So

I

letters, lies

my mother

came and

to

member

to Willis

it.

of

She

Moore, of

the only trace. Southern

smooth over unpleasantness,

ran as deep as her love for ampheta-

know

her through a scrim of pictures and

secrets.

JJ

TATUM O'NEAL She was extraordinarily beautiful, huge green

a perfect heart-shaped face,

She had

lips.

inherited) test

brought

her southern

my mother to

Winning

lilt.

Hollywood

in the

hair,

and lush

eyes,

(which Emily and

a smoky, seductive voice

warmed by

with blond

full

both

I

a beauty con-

mid-1950s, where

she was discovered at a cocktail party and signed to Universal.

A

flood of contract assignments followed, in films ranging

from such minor the

Wild Side

The Last Angry

classics as

screamers

to teen

Among them was A Touch

like

Man

and Walk on

Monster on Campus.

Hollywood

of Evil, the last

film

directed by Orson Welles, which has been hailed as "the

B movie ever made."

greatest

mous

It

opens with one of the most

— nearly three and

shots in movie history

— tracking

long

a car with a

Mexican border town.

bomb

driver;

and a corrupt, drunken tries to

(played by Orson

sheriff

pin the crime on bystanders Charlton Heston

and Janet Leigh. Though short time in the film, she

My father always

the family, but

trunk through a seedy

Finally the car explodes, killing the

Welles)

ter.

in its

fa-

a half minutes

it

my mother

for a

masterful as the victim's daugh-

is

said that

was only

on screen only

is

my mother was

after she died that

the best actor in I

came

to recog-

nize her power. In

A

Touch of Evil

my mother had

to

darken her hair

to

avoid out-blonding Janet Leigh. After hours, she had to dodge

Charlton Heston, to

seduce

nesse.

who once

lured her to his room, seemingly

her. Later Elvis Presley hit

on her with even

While making Follow That Dream

tried to

break

down

her door. But

in 1962,

less

fi-

he actually

my mother had no

use for

the idol of millions of teenagers, telling an interviewer, "He's a bore."

After the mid-1960s, she worked mainly in television. She

12

— PAPER LIFE

A

was featured

in

most of the major

smoke, The Rifleman, Bat Masterson,

and The Virginian

The

well as

series of the day:

Wagon

Gun-

Train, Maverick,

—westerns dominated the top twenty—

Fugitive, Perry

Mason, Route 66, 77 Sunset

Man from

Bewitched, and The

as

Strip,

U.N.C.L.E. She became a semi-

regular on Alfred Hitchcock Presents, usually cast as a southern belle,

and had a recurring

Pegg)'

McMillan, the

On

role

on the Andy

one of those shows, she met

struggling actor.

He

two sons

her youngest,

hormones

to

my

to stardom.

my

father,

then just a

a

mother hellbent on pro-

My grandmother even pushed

groom him

for the screen.

my

grandmother, had sacrificed her

acting career to raise her children. She can

Three

as

uncle Kevin, to study ballet and take growth

Patricia Callaghan,

own

Show

wasn't a dream-chasing migrant like she

was but a native Angeleno, with pelling her

Griffith

sheriff's girlfriend.

Came Home,

the true story of a

still

woman's

be seen

survival in a

Japanese prison camp, starring Claudette Colbert. Born of Russian mother (who was to

be Jewish) and an

instilled

was

My shared in

—opposite

of

my

—and harshly

disap-

mother.

dad's father, Charles O'Neal,

my mother's

raised in Toronto

with a gloves-wearing, hair-in-

a-bun propriety that made her the polar proving

a

named Devonovitch and rumored

Irish father, she

and San Francisco and

in

was more accepting and

southern roots and jolly temperament. Born

North Carolina, he attended the University of Iowa, where

thanks to his accent, classmates dubbed him "Blackie," and the

nickname

stuck.

He met my grandmother

ater troupe but discovered a

new

in a

vocation

San Diego

the-

—screenwriting

after publishing a short story in Esquire.

My grandpa achieved

modest success with screenplays

for

13

TATUM O'NEAL such movies as The Seventh. Victim, Cry of the Werewolf, The Missing furor, and Montana in the 1940s and 1950s; then he

TV

series,

including The Untouch-

The Califomians, and

Lassie.

Also the author of two

moved on ables,

to writing for

novels, he developed

one into the 1952 musical Three Wishes

forfamie, which starred John Raitt (Bonnie's father) and Jeffreys

and ran

for several

Anne

months on Broadway.

Patrick Ryan O'Neal, their oldest son, was born on April

1941.

20,

He

attended University High School in Venice

(along with the singing duo Jan and Dean), where he was in a

pretty-boy gang called the Gents.

mother even claimed she did

his

An

indifferent student

homework

and

to

compete

in the

manage

Golden Gloves himself. But my

father's quickfistedness also got

served fifty-one days in Year's

his

—he soon dropped

out to pursue acting and boxing, going on both to fighters

—

him

assault

jail for

into trouble.

and battery

He once

after a

New

Eve brawl.

He

entered show business as a stuntman but quickly

broke into acting, dropping his

first

name because

Actors Guild (SAG) already had a O'Neal. Starting out in

he appeared on Dohie

TV

the Screen

member named

Patrick

westerns {Empire, The Virginian),

Gillis,

Bachelor Father, and Leave

It

to

Beaver before making his film debut in This Rugged Land with

Charles Bronson in 1962. It

was around

this

time that

my parents

connected

in

what

must have been an explosive encounter. "She was pregnant within days of our meeting,"

we were 1963.

14

father told

Newsweek, "and

married within weeks."

was born breech on Guy Fawkes Day, November

I

year

my

My

5,

mother's birthday was the tenth and, less than a

later. Griffin

came along on October

28.

So

all

three of us

PAPER LIFE

A

are Scorpios. as

was not named

I

some accounts have

it,

for

my

maternal grandmother,

but for the great jazz pianist Art

Tatum.

My

parents settled

bana Lane pillared

in

into

my

mother's dreamhouse on Sa-

Encino, California.

It

was an expansive white-

Georgian house, which she furnished with yellow

sofas,

big chandeliers, Toulouse-Lautrec prints, and porcelain dogs by

—very southern

my mom loved. It also had a swimming pool in which my father taught me tricks, tossing me in and having me pop up balanced in the palm of his was six months old, he accidentally hand, laughing. When dropped me in the garage, cracking my head on the banister and leaving me with a concussion that appears as a giant bruise in a lot of my baby pictures. In many of these photos, we look happy, the fireplace

chic,

which

I

with birthday cakes and Christmas trees. Across one of the pic-

my father scrawled My family is everything. When was born, my father was twenty-two, and my mother was nearly seven years older. He and his parents mentures

I

tioned the age gap so often

up believing they were

—

as

at least a

if it

decade

apart. In

where beauty equals youth and no one ages older wife was suspect

—

—

were huge

that

I

grew

Hollywood,

gracefully,

an

a cradle robber, a personal and pro-

fessional liability.

My

mother

hit the

age wall before she turned

thirty.

By

then everything about her was glossy: her ever-present wigs, fake eyelashes and nails; her surgically taut face, and the

gleaming caps on her teeth that were never child,

I

was

like the tooth fairy, ferreting

tight

out the

enough. As a lost

caps that

15

—

"

TATUM O'NEAL were always strewn around the house.

and

I

liked being helpful,

was a comforting mother-and-daughter

it

ritual

—

way

a

for us to bond.

The source

wood

of

my mom's

studio system.

it still

many

had

on

a grip

Though on

the

wane by

actors' lives, especially

my mother was

others,

which would

in her face,

bright packaging

was the Holly-

the early 1960s,

women's. Like so

subjected to silicone injections

shift,

creating bulges; required to

own

work in wigs that destroyed her

hair,

and

—worst

of

all

prescribed amphetamines to lose weight.

The

pills

agreed with her

had taken enough

all

to eventually

too well. "Before

undermine me,"

1

knew

it,

I

my mother told

Newsweek. Her addictions, over time, would grow unbeatable

and would rob her of her natural beauty and sense of self-worth. Despite

all

of her antiaging strategies,

my

man-

mother's

ner was straight out of the 1950s. Born on the cusp of the

baby boom,

my

father

was more of

a hippie type, while

mother's sensibility was more Rat Pack than rock and arette

and cocktails were her constant props,

as

if

roll.

my

Cig-

she were a

stowaway from the old Dean Martin Show. At her memorial service, her cousin described a visit

had you both

babies: "Well, Joanna

when in

Griffin

and

I

were

her Cadillac, and she

was driving with a cigarette in one hand and in the other she had a martini, She was

a

straight up!

good-time

and outgoing, with

a

gal,

huge infectious laugh that

into a smoker's cough.

father:

"You make

me

so

The consummate

mad,

enter-

she loved gathering guests around her piano, drinking

and singing

16

my

feel like I'm facing the squiring fod."

tainer,

would crack

She always mixed up expressions when

she got rattled, once telling I

—bubbly

with a big personality

till

dawn. She burned with high-watt charm.

PAPER LIFE

A To know my mother was

to love her

—and

I

do,

now

I've

accepted an elemental truth: she was 100 percent

Too

crazy, as

of alcohol,

that

crazy.

turned out, to withstand the combustible mix

it

two babies eleven months

pills,

apart,

and

a chal-

lenging husband.

My mom's career

started fading

when my

dad's

was on the

rise,

with his lead role as Rodney Harrington on Peyton Place,

TV's

first

prime-time soap opera. The show was based on the

then-shocking book by Grace Metalious, airing the dirty laundry

(sex, insanity,

murder) of a

New

England town. Peyton

became an

Place debuted in September 1964 and airing twice

—and

at

one point three times

—

a

instant hit,

week

for five

straight years.

The scripts.

tions

personal

cast's

Rodney,

my

dramas

sometimes

mirrored

from Betty Anderson (Barbara Parkins), the rich bad

to Allison

screen,

McKenzie, the delicate good

Mia

the

kept shifting his affec-

father's character,

girl

girl,

(Mia Farrow). Off-

got so disgusted with Barbara Parkins, watching

her brush her long wavy hair in front of the mirror, that she

chopped

off

all

Frank Sinatra

of her own, creating her famous pixie cut.

fell for

whisking her off

Mia

to get

after

Then

watching her on Peyton Place,

married before the show's third year.

My father's romantic life was also spilling off the TV screen. The

tabloids

He would Very

likely

had a

field

to a

parade of

starlets.

describe his marriage in this period as "desolate."

my

mother's drinking and drug use

—played

a role.

grew physically

violent.

secret

day linking him

As

—probably

their fighting escalated,

my

in

father

17

TATUM O'NEAL my mom

But for

the last straw

came one day

market. Griffin was in the shopping cart and alongside

it.

was toddUng

At the checkout she saw a Photoplay magazine

with a cover story on

my father's

seduction of Barbara Parkins,

was

his costar

on Peyton Place.

rang true.

My mother was devastated.

In

I

in the super-

my

1966 she and

It

cruelly detailed,

father separated,

were divorced. That same year

my dad

and a year

that during her

my

all

later they

who was

three

half-brother Patrick. Leigh claims

my

pregnancy

it

married Leigh Taylor-

Young, Mia Farrow's replacement on the show,

months pregnant with

and

made

father

her work out every

day and even timed her jogging speed. She was playing tennis

on the day she went into a "favor" it

from

sounds

would

on us

same

fell

men

calls this

in years to

to

my

my

me

father

mother's mania darkened, and

and confusion. There were

Rubini, a musician,

but also the creepy Dr. Mel,

some connection

did her good. But to

come.

into a deeper instability

around — Michael

it

enforced regimen

aggressive bullying that

After my dad left, my she

She

my father, and maybe

like the

inflict

labor.

who

whom

I

liked,

drove a Cadillac and had

mother's trips to the pharmacy for

Darvon.

As her

life

grew unmanageable, ours did

adopted two huge

German

were ferocious former face.

My

too.

She'd

shepherds, Sarge and Tiara, which

LAPD

dogs.

One

mother would shut us up

in

of

them

bit

me

in the

our rooms for hours,

leaving us no choice but to defecate on the floor. Jon Peters re-

"

A

calls a

weekend when my mother went

she'd locked

me and

Still,

out, forgetting that

Griffin in a bathroom.

bered, she called Jon,

who rushed

PAPER LIFE

When

remem-

she

over to rescue us.

my mom wanted custody and imagined, in her paramy dad was scheming to take us away. She once

noia, that

dragged Griffin out by the pool to show him what looked little

plastic bag,

poking out from under the

that?" she said. "That's

seemed

memory

of

it

and

arrest

to see so little of her that

my mom

"You see

where your father has been planting

marijuana, so the cops will find

We

tile roof.

like a

during

me.

have only one vivid

I

and

this time. Griffin

I

woke up

one morning, unsupervised as usual, and started poking

around cried

in the garage,

then found that

we were

and hammered on the door, but

oblivious, for the next four or five hours.

there

was nothing

to eat

there

was nothing

to

of lightbulbs

raise hell.

in.

We

my mother slept on, When we got hungry,

but dog food, and

do but

locked

when we

got bored,

We'd discovered

and were gleefully smashing them

suddenly the door flew open. There was

my

a

cache

to bits

when

mother, in a

white-hot fury.

"Why, why, you

little

.

.

.

,"

she stammered.

Slapping and grabbing at Griffin and me, she flung us into the house. There, luckily, she found an inanimate object to

—my

vent her rage on like a

woman

Frightening as

We

once used her

bunk bed, which she

my mother's temper could be

freewheeling with her big on beatings

impotence.

brother's

tore apart

possessed.

—

fists,

beneath

coming from it,

even then,

—and she was

a generation that

was

we could sense

her

continued to act out, unmoved by her anger.

lighter to torch our plaid couch.

It

made

I

a huge,

19

TATUM O'NEAL thrilling blaze that the fire

learned a useful lesson iated by setting

We

my

—

department had

to pin the

on

hair

to extinguish,

blame on

Griffin.

He

and

I

retal-

fire.

became neighborhood

terrors

we

by stealing whatever

could get our hands on. Griffin managed to swipe an electric garage opener and would hide in the

man who

the door, to torment the fin

ivy,

raising

and lowering

lived next to us.

When

Grif-

discovered sharp objects, his mischief making turned

He

ous.

seri-

slashed one of our nannies with a knife, almost

severing her hand.

My

mother made

seemed powerless

own

life,

call

I

She

recall.

accepting responsibility for her

—shades

of Addie's mother in Paper

and disappear. We'd be

drinking,

my

—barely

effort to stop us that

never mind for her children. She would take us with

her to bars

with

little

left

clutching a

grandparents' phone number.

Moon

—

start

of paper

slip

The bartender would

and have them come and pick us up. "There were such

emergencies for so many years,

my

"

grandmother would

say.

"The experience would have destroyed some children." But

it

was

my mother who seemed

sive victim waiting for rescue.

that

see

1

respect, though

how much

I

It's

it

now. As an adult

she really had been victimized

She wasn't always

in a fog.

could pull herself together, and

me

to tell

white horse that

would come

clop, clip clop

I

my

— by her

can

past,

by

father.

There were times when she

remember

loving her then, so

to

me

—

its

hooves rhythmically

—and be my angel

horse.

geted and twisted in the bedclothes, gnawing at

20

I

a bedtime story about a beautiful

much. She used

cli-p

not a choice of perspective

understand

Hollywood, and by men, including

beating

destroyed, like a pas-

my

As

I

fid-

nails

and

A PAPER LIFE sucking

my thumb,

the promise that the angel horse off into the sky.

would

I

me and

she would stroke

southern voice, intoning

me

would carry

me

away,

with

fly

me

asleep to the sound of her soft

fall

cli'p

soothe

clop, clip clop.

Those moments of engagement were

rare.

My

dad's

were infrequent, but he somehow seemed more present

visits

and involved than the parent we

lived with.

were the weekends when he took

me

My happiest times pony

to the

rides at

La

Cienega Park.

Once when we were

there, he

me

promised

a dollar

fist,

and

daytime

at night

the satin trim of stick

it

my

in

I

I

I

mouth.

I

didn't

do

I

did

because even

it

I

my thumb. So, by sheer force of will, did kept my thumb clutched tightly in my imprisoned it under my pillow, rubbing it on my blanket to fight the overpowering urge to

would stop sucking stop. In the

if

it

mother was too

for the dollar, though.

ill

at three or four years old

to care for

me and

because

and frightened and lonely and longing

for the

I

I

knew my

was miserable

comfort of a par-

my big, handsome daddy and thought if stopped sucking my thumb, that would prove Then, like the angel horse, he would carry me away, taking me ent.

I

did

it

because

I

loved

I

home It

to live

it.

with him.

would be another year

or

two before that happened.

21

TWO The Ranch

When

was

I

change our

FI\-E

my mother

decided that we should

by leaving the L.A. suburbs

lives

She found a small, four-acre ranch

m

for "the country."

Reseda, then one of the

poorer sections of the northern San Fernando \allev, which

reminded her of her own

The ranch screened

b\- a

rustic beginnings.

end of

lay at the

thicket of

rough

a

road and was

dirt

untamed brush. To

the right of the

road stood a ramshackle tractor shed and to the battered white clapboard house, fronted by a large oaks. In the distance

fittingly,

few

a

fish, as

called the place

How my mother planned

well as a tumble-

and wasted gamm\- horse. \l\

stable with a mang}'

grandmother,

the

and

were dilapidated outbuildings and

ponds slimed with algae and belly-up

down

left lav

fig tree

make

to

imagine. She couldn't afford to

fix it

ering, thanks to her addictions,

the ranch livable,

up.

and

Tobacco Road. I

can't

Her career was found-

my

father

had been

vin-

dictuel}- sting}- in the di\orce. Still,

ise of

for m\-

mother the ranch seemed

redemption,

needed

\\

to leave L.A., to get a fresh start.

clean break from

to

hold some prom-

hich she never explained.

my

Maybe

Maybe

she just

she wanted a

father or to escape his scrutiny.

It's

also

23

TATUM O'NEAL saw

possible that she

it

as a

chance

own

idealized version of her

ter,

housed

a

to re-create a

crew of teenage runaways

ghosts of her orphaned

new and

bet-

sad childhood. She even in the outbuildings, like

self.

My mom

The house was cramped.

barely squeezed in her

yellow sofas, her dining table, and her big porcelain dogs. They

me

built

a

bunk bed

know why. Every

in the

night

bathroom, and to

awake

I'd lie

this

day

bathroom,

in that

don't

I

terrified

of the echoey darkness and of the vivid nightmares that

plagued me. But even more,

was scared of the chaos outside

I

the door. "I

later said.

My mom had "Seth"

my

thought the ranch would be a beautiful existence,"

mother

—with

"But

it

turned into a nightmare."

a fifteen-year-old boyfriend

long,

stringy hair

and

—

We'd adopted

ning around the ranch as our

food and water and giving them names.

I

discovered

we'd seen run-

a family of rats

pets— setting

him

call

on the biceps

tattoos

bulging out of his T-shirts. Early on, Griffin and his cruel streak.

I'll

out

little

dishes of

We both loved animals

and of course had no concept that these cuddly looking country rats

were vermin.

But Seth insisted that they had rabies. Rather than get of

them

quietly,

and made us watch them drown. Since a very long time, I

when

and

grieved for days. I

it

rats

can swim,

took

it

completely freaked us out.

It

was one of the few times

remember my mother

must have been too profound

24

rid

with poison or traps, he threw them in a pond

reacting to

my

to ignore. "Are

at the

distress,

ranch

which

you okay?

"

she

— PAPER LIFE

A

kept asking me. All kill

could do was sob,

I

them,

Mommy?"

Most

of the time,

—

up

room

sitting

I

felt that

"Why

did he have to

would never stop

1

my mother was

crying.

up

either closed

for days, writing to Jesus

—

in

or else drinking

and partying with Seth and his relatives or an older couple

them the "Johnsons") who

call

adopted

sort of

her

(I'll

my mom. My

just boozing, however. Griffin recalls finding

mother wasn't

white-flecked syringes around the house, evidence that her addiction was escalating.

My

So were her bouts of paranoia.

mother had

a fox-fur

poncho, which she sometimes put on when she got high.

Draped

with one of her upturned wigs half-slipping off

in fur,

her head (her hair-loss,

term addiction

1

believe,

was

to speed), she

found her wrapped up

in her

was the

result of her long-

One

a sight.

poncho, crouched

house, crying and rocking. She

in front of the

day Griffin

in a large

told

bush

him

that

she was in hiding because she was sure Seth was going to

Not knowing what

her.

kill

up under

else to do. Griffin crawled

her poncho and stayed there, snuggling, for three or four hours until the spell subsided.

Griffin

there that

and

we had

I

were neglected on Sabana Lane, but

comfortable surroundings and babysitters.

we were stuck in

backup support and

at just five

meals were whatever

for miles,

we were

old

six years

—

virtually

abandoned and

left to survive

on our own. Our

erratic, basically consisting of fast food,

we could

Worst of

realized

it

all

Now

the middle of nowhere, isolated, with no

scrounge.

I

along with

was so hungry that

bacon and, once, a whole tub of Cool Whip, which sick.

at least

was the can of

olives

was crawling with maggots.

they were. Griffin and

I

1

1

started in

didn't

grew scrawny, and

I

ate

raw

made me

on before

I

even know what

my

teeth ached

25

TATUM O'NEAL with cavities and from an abscess that bing

it

my

with a fork. But

few years

One

my

the car ride

ranch,

I

tried to ease

by jab-

dental appointment was

still

a

off.

night

mother, Seth, and his sister took us to a

cheap restaurant, where

On

first

I

home

car, hitting the

was

I

my

pushed open ground

started drinking someone's beer.

I

reeling.

When we

reached the

door and hurtled from the moving tumble. The adult reaction

in a rolling

was more confusion than concern: "What's the matter with Tatum?" Flustered,

where

I

picked myself up and ran into the house,

continued

I

to

my

sneak sips from people's glasses as

mother and the runaways got progressively drunker. Evidently I

passed out on the bathroom

later,

floor, for

awoke sometime

I

alone and covered with vomit. But at least the floor

felt

cool.

Nobody took much

my

notice of

such basics as whether we went

bender or even of

little

to school. Griffin

and

I

at-

tended only intermittently, walking there alone. Even

at

school

good

we were

outfit

was

isolated,

seen as odd and unkempt.

My

one

an orange paisley midriff top with matching

my

hip-hugging bell-bottoms, which

father

had sent from

my classmates in their gingham dresses, but was proud. It was my first fashion statement and, very likely, the beginning of my lifelong love of Rome.

I

may have looked

freakish next to

I

clothes. I

cherished that

tention on location.

gift

from

my father and,

weekends when he was

However,

in

26

at-

his visits only highlighted the bleakness of

the ranch and the vast difference

My father had

even more, his

town, instead of away on

become

—

and was

between

living like

his life

—

a

and

movie

ours.

star.

PAPER LIFE

A

He

loved nice cars, so he would pull up in a

maroon

Maserati Citroen, which rose up and down, to whisk us from the dilapidated ranch to his Malibu beach house.

remember

I

huddling with Griffin under the dashboard of the Citroen, naked, cold, sandy, and wet after one of those golden weekends, feeling sick with misery at the thought of returning to the ranch.

My

was our knight

father

in

shining armor back

then.

I

USED TO ESCAPE the ranch through heroic

help save the world. the poor

and

I

was going

sick, like

fantasies, plans to

to fly off to India

and care

dreams, not surprisingly, featured children

—

distributing food

to starving ones, rescuing those in danger. Closer to

we would

kept an eye on Griffin, and

care of each other as well as

Sometimes we

tried to

little

home,

I

bathe each other and take

children could.

escape the ranch

literally,

by run-

ning away. Stuffing our ragged clothes and whatever food could find into a pillowcase. Griffin and

down

for

Mother Teresa. Many of my bighearted

I

we

would make our way

the rugged dirt road, barefoot as always.

Our

feet

would

be sore and blistered by the time we reached the highway,

which we would follow down

know where Dumpster

else to go.

to the

Dairy Queen.

We

didn't

There we would hide behind the

until, inevitably,

some good Samaritan would

call

the cops to report the shoeless urchins picking through the

garbage.

Then

the ranch

—

the police would drive

up and escort us back

My mother could be a harsh disciplinarian, but who

to

often as not, for a beating.

really scared

me.

When

Griffin

and

I

it

was Seth

misbehaved

—

or

21

— TATUM O'NEAL when Seth the

felt like

fig tree.

— he'd whip us with switches cut from

it

Often we were beaten

the weird nudist

camp

We would

from the

Jolly

take candy, because

we

dirty magazines, partly inspired

by

Jug, our local general store.

were so hungry, and also

for stealing

we saw

publications

at the

Johnsons,

but mostly because they were forbidden.

Much

as

had enough

feared Seth's rage, his switches and his

I

fight in

me

to try to stand

up

to him.

But

fists,

I

my resis-

my legs were always black and blue from his beatings, and my back was ran to my scabbed over. Once when he came after me, mother, clutching at her, begging her to not let him beat me if need be, to punish me herself. She did it, with her belt. tance only seemed to heighten his wrath, so

I

Seth was bad, but other reasons.

One

I

utterly despised

night,

when

I

one of

his cronies for

was hiding out

in

my

mother's bed during one of her drunken parties, he crawled in

with

me and

started groping, pushing his fingers inside me.

"Doesn't that feel good?" he demanded, with a boozy entreated him to stop.

ding sickened

me

a

was only

for years,

years of therapy, that It's

I

my

and

six. it is

The memory

leer, as

I

of his prod-

only in adulthood, after

sense of violation has begun to ebb.

measure of how out of control our

lives

had gotten

my mother would continually leave us alone with strange men. One of them forced me to examine his genitals, then aca tiny child. Mercifully, he tually tried to penetrate me that

—

couldn't stay hard.

But such problems were splashes of

reality too cold for

my

mother to tolerate. Increasingly strung out, she spun herself into a la-la

cocoon of

protective sheath.

If

you

she couldn't hear vou.

28

denial. Everything tried to

was

puncture

it

fine inside that

with the truth,

PAPER LIFE

A

When grew older and knew more my mother in a different light. But I

see

whole world,

1

and

when

completely

felt

Watching

self.

grief.

point that

a

live

There were periods

overwhelmed—even worried about my-

TV show

on which an animal died,

1

adored animals but was so freaked out

I

actually tried to

I

mind,

child's

my

back when she was

for exposing us to cruelty.

to

burst

shaking and sobbing uncontrollably, consumed

into tears,

with

came

I

hated her for her weakness, for making us

in squalor, I

of the world,

I

a cat

kill

was committing

at

—knowing, even

one

my

in

some kind

a terrible act as

of

cry for help. (Luckily the cat escaped without harm.) Griffin

claims that

I

once climbed

him, slicing his face. As anyone's guess

why

I

I

and dropped a knife down on

a tree

recall,

had a knife

in a tree.

lacked proper supervision? Griffin

Even

at five

view of our

lives

and

six

was

distorted.

and

his

I

knew

it

be that

that

my

mother's

One

to socialize

with Seth's

of his relatives had a house

with a pool somewhere in the Valley. While the adults were doors drinking or whatever. Griffin, incredibly strong,

We

got

who even

I

had

to try

it

I

looked down, the height

nerve. Scared to jump,

I

to

it

into the

Griffin

Then

it

jumped

my

was

made me woozy and

I

off,

turn.

lost

my

My foot,

pinned beneath me,

move.

Griffin ran inside but

alarm, for

was

toppled off the roof and, missing the

pool, crashed onto the concrete.

was too painful

in-

too.

up on the roof together and

landing with a splash and laughing.

When

as a child

would climb up on the roof and dive

water. So, one day,

I

She was so out of touch that

we continued

extended family.

Could

it's

has the scar.

still

years old,

despite the sexual abuse, pals

was an accident, but

it

must have been

afraid to

took a while before anyone found me.

sound the

My foot was

29

"

"

TATUM O'NEAL badly broken, and

spent

I

The

a series of plaster casts.

ing this time

zipper

and

my

my

head.

My

foot

on

my

hair

Griffin barefoot

my

sleeveless top

and

am

1

my

like

face

abuse on Sabana Lane and a feisty, in-your-face nalist put

it

—

that

is

falling off

my

on top of

phony smiles

— mine

swollen with pent-up tears.

is

there's defiance in

Still,

dirty. Griffin's

precariously balanced

crutches. Both of us are wearing

and angry,

and

straggling out of giant rollers

is

in a cast

is

in

most emblematic photo taken dur-

down. The strap of

is

shoulder,

tight

me and

shows

months hobbling on crutches,

six

too.

it

at the

The

years of neglect and

ranch gave

— bravado "Addie

me

a toughness,

attitude," as

my salvation. my mother loved to tell

some

jour-

was probably

There's a story that fulness.

At times of

trips in

her yellowish beige Datsun

drives that gave her

enormous

my will-

would take us on road

relative clarity, she

—

about

long, often boring-to-us

pleasure.

One

packed

day, she

us off to the Kern River, where you could take a boat out to an

and then

island

float

on inner tubes.

specific offense that set

home, 1

1

all

say.

boat, watching

me

but

don't

when

it

remember

came time

to

the

go

in the boat.

and threatened, but

cajoled, ordered,

mother would

my

off,

refused to get back

was

budge. "Finally,

and

me

1

we could

wouldn't

I

think to do was leave you,"

She would describe pulling away stand with

my jaw

feet firmly planted.

set,

my

fists

"And you were

my

in the

clenched,

just

growing

smaller and smaller in the distance.

They returned an hour tened and scared. But spot.

wasn't.

1

That's

my

mv Tatum!'

eye."

My

me

chas-

in the

same

expecting to find still

'There you stood, with your

ready to spit in

30

1

later,

was rooted

little

hands on your

mother would laugh. "And

1

hips, said,

PAPER LIFE

A

As

OUR

IF

LI\'ES weren't

bad enough

already, early in 1971,

San Fernando

a massive earthquake struck the northern ley. It

registered 6.7

on the Richter

foundly devastating level of 8.0-plus but

terms

of

schools, ple

motion ever recorded

in

With more than 500

still

the strongest in

Hospitals,

California.

and freeway bridges collapsed,

and injuring two thousand

\'al-

below the most pro-

scale,

peo-

killing sixt\'-five

others.

damage

million dollars' worth of

done. President XLxon declared the \alley a major disaster area.

Even more frightening than the actual quake was

destruction of the

Lower San Fernando Valley Dam.

told that only a thin dirt wall stood lion tons of water. to

swallow us up

An

near

were

fifteen mil-

aftershock could send a gushing torrent

at an\"

The quake struck

between us and

its

We

moment.

earl\' in

the morning,

mother's room. She was already up, but

I

and

I

ran into

my

crawled into her

empt\" bed, huddling under the co\ers. Griffin was sleeping

under a pane of thought that

it

glass,

might

I

banging, deafeningly loud.

ken

in

knew, and

sounded

It

and were tearing the house

Finally

I

was

terrified at the

shatter. All the doors in the

my mother came

in

as

if

burglars had bro-

apart.

uith Griffin. "Honey, don't

worry," she assured me. 'W ere going to build a

dam

and

raft,

if

the

that

my

breaks, we'll escape.

It's

almost funny

—and

topical,

if

rather than escape or action.

Maybe

—

a bit chilling

mother's reflex reaction to the imminent

me

house w^ere

disaster

was denial

she was tr\ing to comfort

with her hopeful scheme, but the idea that she believed a

31

TATUM O'NEAL raft

wasn't possible.

my

fate in her

protective

—

I

we

—hands

was going

with

tested.

The dam

didn't break.

did escape.

goings-on in what

at the

that,

it

had never been capable or

that

was never

my

monitor conditions

to

knew

I

to die.

After the earthquake,

gan

even more. Even then

and vulnerable and sure

felt tiny

I

hands

Luckily, her plan

But

me

could save us scared

environment,

grandparents and

at the

my

ranch more

father

my

father be-

closely.

condemned

Appalled

as "a poisoned

they began working behind the scenes to get

'

us out.

By the time

I

my mother had begun

was seven

to

acknowl-

edge her amphetamine addiction. She checked into Camarillo Hospital,

State

a

"canyon country," to mult of our

one

last,

life at

I

try to beat

To me, though,

it.

months

life

.

.

.

like

deeply regret

my

after the tu-

rehab seemed

like

hospital,

my

for

much

fin,

my

"Irish twin."

behavior, but at the time she

of that time,

I

I

barely saw

spat in

even completely

Thanksgiving Day, when

I

was about

my

so

mother,

lost track of Grif-

eight,

lost years.

my mother

dad's Malibu beach house.

showed up unannounced

at

She had Griffin with her

in the station all

seemed

my

have one indelible image of them from those

pared for

I

reaction "the most painful experience

huge roasted turkey, with

wagon, as well as a

the trimmings, that she'd pre-

us.

When

32

in

having a child die."

and

On

in

was released from the

cruel to me. For the next few years,

I

out

institution

unforgivable abandonment.

her face. She called

my

mental

the ranch, her

When my mom of

well-known

she got out of the

car,

she was weaving, obviously

A PAPER LIFE

My father went

drunk.

crazy at the sight, shouting,

"What

the

fuck are you doing here?"

He

picked up Griffin and stuffed him back

in the station

wagon. Then he slammed the turkey platter out of

my

mother's hands, grabbed her shoulders, and screaming, shoved

her into the driver's seat. Her feet were

and

car,

as

onto her

I

get going!" he bellowed.

She started the car and edged Coast Highway.

my

I

was

father

telling

It

it

back out onto the

was one of the busiest roads

was on the phone to pick her

up

father's outburst

Pacific

in California,

terrified that she'd get sideswiped. Inside the

them

My

dangling out of the

legs.

"Now

and

still

looked on in horror, he slammed the door, right

house,

to the police, describing the car,

for

drunk

driving.

shocked and scared

me more

than

I

dared to articulate. The force of his rage was overwhelming, yet

I

desperately needed to believe in him.

mined

to

move forward

in life

I

had already deter-

without a mother.

3i

THREE The Good

Life

After the isolation and step with the

how

— unsure how

how

Even simple

to talk to people,

was confusing, brushed

my

for

teeth,

dentist for the

novocaine

—

chaos of the ranch,

more civiHzed world

first

I'd

I'd

to react.

which were I

full

of cavities.

went wild when he

been promised "no shots"

My forming

me back

me

dirty nails,

and tucked

me

into

in little dresses, assuring

my

life.

I

used

She was the

my

She gave

clean, sweet-smelling sheets.

didn't believe.

me

had

father

in to

trans-

a

girl.

I

way she bathed me, grooming my ragged

and

in

My

from a bruised and scrappy boy-child into the

I

to the

into the chair.

remember

me

Taken

tried to give

grandmother took on the task of taming me,

still

put

daily hygiene

—and kicked him

the head and the balls, trying to escape.

wrestle

out of

felt

been bathed and had never

rarely

time,

I

to navigate,

first

me

first

that

hair, in a sleek,

first doll

and

—which

was pretty

female presence

makeup

—her white

lipstick

and the way she wore her

I

truly loving

to stare at her, studying her

powder and deep red

proper bed, with

me my

outfits

—pale and

elegant bun.

face

gloves,

Her

fa-

vorite perfume was Rive Gauche. Her speech was measured,

35

"

TATUM O'NEAL with a cultivated English accent. She seemed amazingly feminine compared to

my

mother, with those lopsided wigs and

false eyelashes flapping half unstuck.

my

lationship with eight years. I

I

grandfather,

had never known

my own

home

loved her immaculate

also

I

marveled

which would

her re-

at

last for thirty-

parents as a couple.

in the Pacific Palisades, sur-

rounded by the beautiful gardens she planted, and her great

home

cooking, a powerful antidote to fast food.

her tuna fish and her fried chicken, which

memories of zooming up

my

that time,

to visit her

my

I

still

kids adore. In

associate her with a lot of laughter:

I

on the back of

my

father's motorcycle,

uncle Kevin eating her flowers, pretending to be a

Kevin and

my father teasing her about

of Rosebud, her cat.

and

affable,

but

my

make

My

the touch-and-go health

grandfather was big and

grandmother was

of our family, the thread that

gorilla,

handsome

definitely the matriarch

bound us

together.

came

I

to

my home

think of her house at 15050 Sunset Boulevard as base.

It

wasn't my home base

left

the ranch. Griffin

and

I

school in Tucson, Arizona.

ment

I'd

I

was

I

I

ther

is

was the

Tree Haven boarding

first

structured environ-

totally lost,

my

with really no idea I

classmates, and

how

to

communi-

tried to attract friends in the only

could imagine, by reminding people repeatedly,

famous.

Needless

36

It

to

lagged far behind

cate with the other kids.

way

were sent

we

ever experienced, and the culture shock was pro-

found. Academically socially

for long, though. Shortly after

My father is

a

movie

"My

fa-

star.

to say, that strategy didn't

work. Soon

I

fell

back

PAPER LIFE

A

on an old ing

some

office,

feel-better habit

—

—and got caught snatch-

earrings from a classmate's drawer. In the principal's

was spanked with

I

stealing

wooden

a perforated

paddle, which

was more unendurable and humiliating, coming from stranger, than the countless beatings I'd received at the

of Seth and

my

mother.

Finally, in utter misery,

my

the cuttings to

on which hate

it

I'd

I

chopped

off

all

grandma, along with a

my

hair.

letter

—

I

mailed

a full page

scrawled over and over, with childlike spelling,

heer, I hate

it

/

heer.

remembers my rescue

Griffin

a

hands

better than

He was

do.

I

watching from the window when a big black limousine kicked

up dust on the

school's dirt road then circled

tain at the entrance.

My father got out with

and a woman, but no one summoned

around the foun-

Peter Bogdanovich

Griffin.

he knew, the car was pulling away again, and

had been

left

behind

— and

The

next thing

was

I

from that point on,

in

it.

He

his life di-

verged from mine.

Where Boulevard

wound

I

—my

up

was

even

beach house

father's

in

than

better

Malibu.

ing a place on LaCosta Beach. (A year or two later

build a

home

of our

own

a

few

lots over.) It

story house with a white-rock roof sliding glass doors,

was

a

Sunset

He was

rent-

we would

modern two-

and a window wall with

which opened onto a beachfront deck.

father occupied one side of the house,

where he

set

My

me up

with a half bed in a tiny room, and on the other side lived Greg, a

tall

blond

artist

The house had

all

who was

his best friend.

the trappings of a swinging bachelor

37

TATUM O'NEAL pad, with a mirrored bar, a pool table, and a stereo always blar-

Allman Brothers, Led Zeppelin, Al Green, or James

ing the

Brown. Greg's collages adorned the poster for Play

day Weld. tarantula

He

me was tache,

It

Lays,

which starred

his girlfriend

in a

bowl on the

Tues-

in cutoff jeans,

an herb,

like parsley.

smoking

My

which they

grass,

grew

father

bag with a pot leaf applique.

He and my

bar.

wore an army jacket with an American

a shoulder

movie

kept a pet boa constrictor in his shower and a

named Wayne

hung out

ther

As

It

walls, along with a

It

a

told

bushy musand carried

flag,

was

fa-

a classic 1970s

hippie scene, on a fabulous backdrop of sunshine, sand, and surf.

I

loved

I'd

it.

Every day

I

never been so happy.

paddled

for

hours in the ocean.

I

collected

driftwood, learned to body surf, and threw Frisbees on the

beach, growing tanned and strong. For the I

made connections with

who became my tai chi;

time in

my life,

Monique LaBoie,

best friend; Michele Walker, daughter of the

actor Robert Walker

doing

first

other children:

Jr.,

who

always had a bunch of kids over

and Maria Dylan, Bob's daughter.

remember

I

going over to her house and seeing her father, the rock icon,

snoozing in his underwear.

At home,

and

I

became

his friends with

playing hostess,

I

room, splattering in

.

.

.

Not

it

through. after

a

huge

everywhere.

who

amusing

tray of food in

It

my

father

shooting pool. Once,

skill

my

father's

got to be a running joke

got coleslaw/Coke/ketchup in

my

Tatum?" surprisingly, since

bachelors,

38

dropped

our house, "Hey,

eye?

a little entertainer,

my newfound

there

1

was

living

was a steady parade of women passing

My father was divorced from

my brother

with two handsome

Patrick

Leigh Taylor-Young soon

was born, and

I

became

the telephone

—

"

PAPER LIFE

A

When women

screener for his girlfriends.

home

structed to say he wasn't

whatever

— but often

—

that he

got confused.

I

called,

was

I

in-

was out running

That led

or

some funny

to

exchanges, for example: "Hi,

How

Tatum.

"No, no, he, uh

are you? .

.

Is

your father there?"

went running."

.

"Ah. Well, did you get the strawberry

"Oh! Hold on. Dad, did

Scowling

some strawberry

and half-serious

— my

sent you?" gloss?"

lip

father

developed a fondness for a few of our female

visitors, all

whom

I

just got back.

were stunningly beautiful. Tuesday Weld was nice

my

and somehow

father's friendship

spite his affair with her.

with Greg endured de-

Lauren Hutton and

on the beach and went skinny-dipping fishing net. Ursula Andress,

who

I

sunbathed nude

ocean with her

in the

dated

my

father for

time, wore great short boots with her bathrobe

me

some

and fascinated

by dry-washing her huge mane of hair with powder sham-

Once

poo.

bad case of poison oak, and she tenderly

got a

I

daubed ointment

over

all

my

inflamed body, including

vate areas and eyes. She took a motherly interest in

bringing too, scolding

"Ryan, why,

be

would

nice of you

phone. "Hi.

to the

send Tatum a present ..." I

of

half-joking

get

I

How

stomp over to

—

I

lip gloss

why

in school.

crazy the

way

why do you

At that point,

ment, and he did I

let

in school?

She needs

her sleep in your bed?

to It's

you're raising her. I

when he had women

ally

father in her exotic Swiss accent:

your daughter

isn't

Ryan,

my

my primy up-

my

often did sleep in over.

I

clung to him,

to discourage

little

my

father's bed,

terrified of

even

abandon-

dependence. Emotion-

— tantrum-prone, dauntingly headstrong

was pretty rocky

and outspoken

—and

I

still

stole,

though

less often.

There was

39

"

TATUM O'NEAL some worry among thing

it

might

I

What prompted

to shreds.

couldn't have guessed. Later

with this strange

little girl

I

was

ing considered for the film,

and one of

first

was

it

himself.

know who should

"I

script, imitating lit

what she

up," as she tells

it

all

encouraged him

a father-and-daughter story

Polly clinched the deal

to

do

play the

were be-

a best-selling

When

offered the script, he wasn't

Polly Piatt, his then wife,

since

his kids

which was based on

book, Addie Pray, by Joe David Brown.

danovich was

what

the question of

I

my

say in print, to

living with.

Newman

Originally Paul

for days

that destructive impulse

my father would

Moon "answered

chagrin, that Paper

it.

The worst

set fires.

was take a collage Greg had labored over

did

I

and cut

the adults that

Peter Bogthat

keen on

to reconsider,

and he had daughters

little girl,

"

she said.

by reading him passages from the

called

my "whiskey voice." "His

now, "and he

said, 'We'll

do

eyes

and Ryan

it,

"

be the

will

father.

That led

to

my

beach- walk audition. Afterward

I

left

the

grown-ups talking and went swimming, not even realizing that I'd

had a tryout and had gotten the job.

that I'd be

have

to

making

go hack

Then

I

still let

soothed

my

What

me

be

if

I

had

in the

I

I

I

was

My

finally

learned

Now I'll never

ecstatic.

legs

bowed

in,

giving

me

on my legs? Would my grandmother who my legs were fine, that

to get braces

anxiety, assuring

they'd straighten out as

When

could think was.

movie?

me

It

was

that

grew up, and most important, that

could become a great actress.

40

I

to school again.

started worrying.

knock-knees. they

a movie, all

I

— PAPER LIFE

A Houe\er, disaster struck one da\ when

We

Monique.

used to do gymnastics

off the bed to grab a chin-up bar.

missed

for the bar, but

crack.

my arm

and clutching

was broken, and school

I

—and my dad

Moniques mom,

me home.

carried

floor, filled

in pain.

knew \\

it

was,

This I

my

1

up, reaching out

heard a sharp

I

with overwhelming dread is it,

I

thought. to

If

my arm

wind up back

in

ould be sooo mad.

Rick\-, called

m\ dad, who ran o\er and

For the next week,

father took

bedroom, jumping

landed,

was going

arm, tr\ing to pick things up but better,

was pla\ing u ith

bounced

I

— and when

crumpled on the

I

in her

I

me

we kept

failing.

to the doctor,

and stuck the image on the

light box.

testing out

When who

X-rayed

my

seem

didn't

I

my arm

"See that?" he

said,

pointing to the fracture.

M\' arm was broken,

The months short

life

of

li\

ing

—with no

all right.

meant

fear,

I

I

got hysterical.

my

no beatings, no hunger, no neglect

up the sun, making and enjo}ing

and even feeling

that

that

w ith m\ father were the happiest of

just eating well, soaking friends,

W ith

was doomed

loved. In m\' mind, a to

dling, struggling to catch up,

broken arm

confinement, regulations, pad-

and feeling bored and dumb.

stead of getting on a plane for an ad\enture with m\" father,

InI'd

be isolated and wretched, suffering the ridicule of classmates

who

despised me.

perienced a

bit of

I'd

hated school before, but

comfort, affection, and fun,

being miserable again. the mo\ie

— and

It

was

just too cruel

the ongoing happiness

it

now I

that

I'd ex-

couldn't stand

and unfair

promised

to

have

— snatched

away from me. Luckily, that didn't happen. In

was headed

to

Hays, Kansas, with

what seemed

my arm

like a flash.

I

in a sling.

41

FOUR Pamper

Moon

—

The N0\EL Addie Pray was

set in the South,

open spaces of Kansas had impressed

but the wide-

and Peter had driven cross-country together marriage. Scouting for locations, she chose

earlier in their

Hays when she

discovered that

many

mained

unchanged since the Depression.

virtually

buildings and even whole streets re-

Meanwhile, Peter began listening

came

time and

balked, refusing to accept

moon

—

literally

nival scene, in

the music of the

to

across "Paper Moon," which struck him as

theme song and

the perfect

when she

Polly Piatt

—

it

title

for the mo\ie.

Paramount

unless he could work a paper

into the story. Finally he

which Addie poses

came up with

sitting in a

paper

a car-

moon

at a

photo booth.

A

year or two before, Peter had

made an atmospheric

black-and-white film, TJie Last Picture Show.

Paper

Moon

intensity

and

ther

and a period I

about

feel.

would come

comincing I

should be black and white

He

costumes.

Mv

hair

it

blond and attractive

con

a similar

my fa-

to

seem

artists.

thought there was nothing attractive

mv

decided that

also feared that, in color,

off as too

as Depression-era

He

too, to give

was cut verv

—

or even nice

short, like a bov's,

43

"

TATUM O'NEAL me

and they put

"You can't make

style shoes.

by the way

rified

name it's

for

I

these,

make

me, which

I

and you're gonna be

love you,

1

all

—my

father,

the others

When

Holiday Inn conference room.

it

— would prod me "Tatum!' — and then if

is it?

I

could barely read, and

memorization was very hard work a script

"Why

lines,

not?

"Stale? I

true

"

"

and

He was

felt

"Who

know, but "

an eight-year-old.

my

Rote still

I

make-believe notes.

rehearsed with me, said,

I

taught you that word?

knew

instinctively that

my my instincts would

"

it

was

instincts in order to play

benefit

me

even more.

got outside in the field, under the big arc lights, for

I

I

didn't feel scared at

I

understood

all.

Even

father

natural reactions. At one point,

which

falls off.

I

I

at that age,

knew what

I

this little girl.

Sometimes Peter and my

44

table,

totally bored.

very connected and perfectly calm, like

was doing.

truck,

always ask, "What

said no.

amazed.

life,

the opening scene, I

I

who

father,

that I'd have to trust

Addie. Later in

When

my dad

to get stale."

said, "1 don't

—and

turn,

he asked.

want

don't

"I

"

my

was

I

for

covered with doodles,

At one point, run

my

in the

Oh, my God. What have we gotten ourselves into?

In fact,

"Let's

—gathered

was I'd

me, Madeline

Meaningful glances would shoot around the

"

to say:

have

great.

have had his doubts during the early read-

Kahn, John Hillerman, and

as

protested, hor-

a personal plea to

kept for years. "Baby, you look beautiful,

throughs, with the whole cast

page

1

"

on, Tatesky," he coaxed, using his pet

just for a short time,

He may

me wear

looked. Peter had to

"Come

convince me.

and orthopedic-looking, 1930s-

in overalls

would

Mose

fool

me,

to

use

my

grabs at the door of a

jumped backward

in

genuine shock.

I

PAPER LIFE

A

wasn't warned ahead of time. Later in the movie, gangsters

beat up Mose, and

was

I

something bad had happened

my

to

intense exchanges in the movie Trixie has to persuade

she can

sit

When

che.

with it

Mose

came

me

as

—was my

to

been

truly upset, having

Addie

to give

totally in

father,

One

father.

—when

told that

of the

most

Madeline Kahn as

up the front

tune with

seat, so

my own

psy-

wasn't about to take a back-

I

seat to anyone.

That scene was never befriended

had no

ability to relate to

humor and

sense of to

— not because

wear

1

didn't like her but

women.

I

tits

and refused to say

— and

rolling

Peter wanted

were

my

filled

I

got to

I

I

it

tits.

through

it

to

'

all

in

one scene

Madeline hated our script read-

it

once, with the

worked.

smoke

in the movie, but the cigarettes

with lettuce, not tobacco. They glued sandpaper to

fingers so

take,

me

because

admire her

to

and Peter insisted

ings. Finally, Peter tricked her into saying

cameras

I

her big personality. In the movie she had

a special "jiggle" bra,

word

come

did

that she call herself "Trixie, with her big

the

whom

Madeline Kahn,

a lot harder for

could strike a match one-handed. Before each

smack shut

minute Peter yelled "Cut," wired up while

were

all

with

my pals on

1

the clacker,

which

would jump out of

we were

shooting

I

The

loved.

my mikes — we

—and climb up

to

the crew on their flatbed truck. That drove

father crazy, because he'd have to wait for

before every shot. For the most part, he

me

to

Addie

tells a

my

be remiked

stayed patient.

Even more maddening, certain scenes kept tripping up. At one point

be

me

hotel clerk, "I'd like a piece of

Juicy Fruit gum." I'd

mastered the

line,

but they'd switched the brand from

Dentyne when someone discovered

that

Dentyne

didn't exist

45

— TATUM O'NEAL back

in the 1930s.

tired, so

I

We

have a piece of Juicy cueing

me

Den

over and over,

I

.

.

.

?" to

and the camera

the poor actor

"What would you

whole fifty-member crew

and

late at night,

like, little

irritability

— the sound

who

mounting, with

cameraman

guy, the

signer, the gaffers, the electricians, the grip, the

— hanging on my

kept

set de-

people on the

dolly truck,

and

all

nail a line.

We

redid the scene a couple dozen times, and

the rest

must have been 4 a.m. by the time

up

or cried in frustration, but

keeping people awake.

It

was

1

got

1

it

I

lady?"

and the wardrobe people, the

lighter

was

I

have a piece of Den-Ju?" "Can

could feel the exhaustion and

I

a

were shooting

kept saying, "Can

little-girl ability to

right.

it

never froze

I

was painfully aware that

1

was

a lot of pressure.

Peter envisioned the movie in long single shots, keeping the camera trained on the actors for It's

movement, expression, and word and

up

to five or six

minutes.

hard to stay perfectly in character that long, with every

it

shall,

was supertough

of dialogue impeccable

an eight-year-old. As Frank Mar-

for

our associate producer,

recalls,

"Quite often these long

takes led to great laughter." In

Mose

one scene Addie comes downstairs

"Whatcha having?"

eating breakfast and asks,

"Waffles," says

Mose, sticking

a big bite in his

For some reason, the way he did start giggling

and to

my

and forget

my

at the hotel to find

lines,

it

mouth.

kept cracking

someone would

me

yell

up.

I'd

"Cut!"

father would drop his fork in exasperation, pretending

break

down

in tears, pleading,

"Ryan must have eaten

Our most

fifty

"Tatum!"

waffles,"

Frank Marshall

says.

challenging long shot took place in a car travel-

ing (actually, being towed)

down

the one stretch of road,

about a mile and a half long, that had no visible anachronisms.

46

PAPER LIFE

A

rested on

The whole shot

alogue to deliver, but

map

with the

also

I

— not only did

had a

blew

back up. They'd have

was room

a

word or

to haul

my

di-

father pretended to

gesture, the car couldn't

way

the

it all

have pages of

I

of stage business, fiddling

lot

and other things while

drive. If either of us

there

me

to the end,

where

around, then head back to the starting

to turn

point to try again.

The

first

cause of

my

we

day

did a grueling twenty-five takes, partly be-

clowning around. "Ryan was freaking out,

recalled. "Screaming,

day, he

first

can't,

I

came

gonna

can't, I'm

We finally got takes. Peter

mately

how

nized

it

would

won me

Tatum, goddamn

few days

surmise that the scene

in the car ulti-

the Oscar, because the

was

moving truck by

for

Academy judges

a

recog-

someone so young. like

being yanked

stuntman and nearly toppling

off a

The

stack of shifting boxes in the back as the truck sped away. physical risks didn't really scare me, though in

one of the closing scenes, when

ter

Mose, who was

sweater. "Just

run

So to the fell

my

1

No

leaving,

and

I

I

panicked

was supposed

I

felt

the

hill

bottom of the I

hill,

said,

chase

I

in

af-

my

was urged.

and catch him."

swallowed hard and took off running.

out. "See?"

to

briefly

something buzzing

one believed me. "Come on, Tatum,"

down

'I

another fifteen

There were also some dicey moments, into a

said,

later, after

right a

it

At the end of the

kill her.'"

later

difficult

it.'

arms around me, and

over, put his

Peter

"

I

shook

my

When

I

got

sleeve and two wasps

pointing to the big swollen stings on

arm.

The hardest

part of the

work

for

me was

the loneliness and

boredom. Child actors were pretty unregulated then, so no one monitored

my

time on the

set,

which could stretch

into

47

TATUM O'NEAL the

wee

which was an

hours. During the carnival scene,

night shoot,

was so bored that

I

spun on the rides tume. Maybe

it

until

I

got so sick

would have been

all-

pigged out on candy and

I

threw up

I

different

over

all

had

if I'd

my cos-

mom

a

watching over me.

When

I

wasn't working,

the rest of the cast.

my hired

1

I

was stuck

chaperone, Diane, the soon-to-be wife of

My

uncle Kevin later

whom my

Hedge

Ultimately,

lost

Hedgeman man-

father

a

documentary called The

to

capture the welterweight

made

Contender about Hedge's struggle title.

Hays with

shared a pair of connecting rooms with

Lewis, a famous boxer from Detroit aged.

in a hotel in

out to the

Cuban boxer

Jose

Napoles, so the film was never released.

was crazy about Diane. She was black and

I

with long legs and a good sense of humor, so

fun with her Afro. Diane even

let

me

I

six feet tall,

had no end of

poke through

all

her fas-

cinating girly creams and makeup. She did the best she could

me, but twelve weeks

to entertain

a long time to keep a

is

pent-up child amused.

was never the kind of child you could plunk down

1

front of the

It

was

I

did love movies and watched

from the time

pulsively

never

TV. But

tried to restrict the

his

way

1

started living with

movies

of educating me,

comprehensive knowledge of it

me

For a while, son,

1

and

film. let

I

my

it's

Though

me

me

left

father.

He

with a pretty

the other grown-

watch In Cold Blood,

making of Paper Moon.

had a playmate, sixteen-year-old for the role of

loved her, and she taught

them com-

saw, whatever their ratings.

to death, during the

who came from Texas

maid.

48

was weird, he

ups thought

which scared

1

in

P.J.

Imogene,

me some

John-

Trixie's

cool Soul Train

A

dance moves. But when

I

was on

got into mischief.

my

own, which was most of

wake up

early in the

the time,

I

and

knocking on people's doors, looking

start

ship.

for

they'd yell. "I'm sleeping. Leave

"Go away!"

make my way

I'd

dejectedly

down

big telephone switchboard.

morning

companion-

me

alone.

"

I'd

where there was

to the lobby,

messed with

I

PAPER LIFE

it

all

a

the time,

wreaking havoc on the phone system.

One

day

found a

I

cat by the railroad tracks

little

brought him back to the hotel. Because he was an alley

named him Alio. really

know how

Though we

to take care of

chaperone Diane's,

and

feces.

I

set

him up with

door

right next

would bring the cat

so

it,

my room

—began

to the set

long ride to a location, he took a

I

would watch

been shot ter

and

cat,

I

didn't

—and my poor

with me, and on one

dump

in the car. All the

windows

the rest

thought that was pretty funny.

The worst time tors

I

to reek of cat urine

adults rode with their heads hanging out the

of the way.

a cat box,

and

for

"dailies"

that day.

worried that

me was

I'd

I

—

the evening,

that

is,

when

the other ac-

study the film that had

wasn't allowed to see dailies because Pe-

pay attention

start self-consciously "acting."

how looked on-screen That made me mad. I felt

to

I

terribly left out.

Since

I

was so bored and

my mother was Griffin I

was

had

still

left

doing.

I

lonely,

I

began

wonder how

hadn't spoken to her in ages.

boarding school and gone

angry and a

to

little

I

knew

to live with her,

but

afraid of her. I'd heard plenty of

negative talk to the effect that she was a drug addict and a bad

mother. But then

I

came

across a Photoplay magazine with a

headline like "Ryan O'Neal Steals Daughter from Joanna," over a story on

how

losing

me was

the greatest indignity of

my

49

"

TATUM O'NEAL mother's

At one point during the shoot, when

life.

ting along with stole

me! You

He drew

stole

father,

me

from

my

loved

I

my

at

him:

I

wasn't gettrue

"It's

Still,

fist,

his

much.

father so

—you

mother!

and

for the first time,

It

show

I

of temper shook

was the

first

be-

him back,

actually going to hit me. Peter held

and the moment passed. up.

screamed

1

back, cocking his

was

lieved he

my

me

crack in our

golden relationship. Despite

communal than

all

the hard

when

feeling of I

work and the boredom,

making

was with

my

a movie.

I

never

felt

loved the

I

more secure

father in a roomful of people, with

everyone laughing. There were a

lot

of funny people involved

with Paper Moon. Madeline Kahn, of course, was a major

comic

but Frank Marshall, our associate producer, was

talent,

He

hilarious too.

my

little

room

made me

always

in the cast

wagon." Joe Amsler,

my

trailer,

laugh

when he came out

which was called

father's stand-in

a

to

"honey

(who'd done three

years in the penitentiary for his role in kidnapping Frank Sinatra Jr.), also

oysters

—

loved to joke.

bull's testicles

Peter and

my

He once

fed

me Rocky Mountain

—claiming they were

fried chicken.

father could both be funny, Polly Piatt

ing and motherly to me, and

I

was

adored Laszlo Kovacs.

It

lov-

was a

warm, close-knit group. I

cast

turned nine while

and crew threw

we were making Paper Moon, and

me

a party

cake set up on a prop table.

embraced, that

50

I

I'd

on the

never in

set.

my

was part of something and

the

They even had life felt

so

a

warmly

truly belonged.

A PAPER LIFE

Moon had

Paper

premiere

its

New York City. My

in

and

I

We

had so much fun. Sometimes he'd count

stayed at the Pierre Hotel, where we'd race in the halls.

mark, get

GO!" and then

set,

he slipped and

fell,

me, and now look

My father started

actor,"

me some

my

even the smallest adult

legs,

got a big ovation,

over us, and

vorite actor?"

I

—

me

father took

my

heart on.

size, so

—even fun —

skinny

I'd

to

wear

sample

pair.

little

to get a

my

to

to Bloomingdale's

was too

I

we had

was more of

which was

a blur.

thrilling.

know how

little

knock-

Then

to cope.

remember

I

the press

Olivier," I'd say,

that

was

I

all

tried to stockpile

I

"Who's your

to reporters' questions like

"Laurence

though

I

didn't

fa-

know

was. "Your favorite actress?" "Uh, Katharine Hep-

I

mean, Audrey Hepburn

was bored

the attention didn't see

sense that

mother

itself

didn't

I

canned answers

burn

was okay

We

very grown-up teetering around in them.

felt

The premiere

who he

it

must have looked, with I

screamed. "You always

red high-heeled platform shoes that

seen somewhere and set

kneed

his butt.

laughing wildly, right along with me.

goof on stardom. Later

I

on

at you, sliding!"

were both so exuberant then that

However

I

me.

trip

to the hotel,

sliding along a sidewalk grate

"Hahaha, you big handsome

and bought

and

Avenue

Fifth

"On your

off,

stick out his foot

One day when we were running up

trip

father

I

right

was

." .

.

away by the media

getting.

blitz

Coming from an

I'd

accomplished anything special. Even

make

a fuss over

me. In our

sation since our estrangement, she praised said that

mine seemed

all

acting family,

filmmaking as unusual, and no one gave

didn't

mance but

and baffled by

I

me the my own

first

phone conver-

my

father's perfor-

"cold." "Mother,"

I

told her,

5J

TATUM O'NEAL with an exasperation that covered

my

hurt, "I

was playing a

role."

But

I

soon picked up on the fact that

1

was the focus of

my father's expense. The recognition made He was all had, and the thought of losing his

every interview, at

me very uneasy. affection

I

—of facing another abandonment —was more than

I

He began to make snide little jokes, to belittle me and undermine me in ways couldn't quite grasp. In the press, could bear.

I

he played the doting

father,

deep resentment that

his

dismissed.

I

own

brilliant

I

read the truth:

performance was being

soon started getting such bad stomachaches that

the doctors thought

could grow up really

52

but in his eyes

I

had

fast.

ulcers.

And

1

started to wish that

I

FIVE The Oscar

—

My

stretch of freedom and happiness

soon as Pa-per

make

Barrj'

Moon wrapped, my

couldn't

As

last.

father left for Ireland to

Lyndon with Stanley Kubrick. He was

to

live

abroad for the next two years. I

was devastated. For

the one

looked to for

1

my

father

stability

— my

and

love

lifeline,

—

to

my

rescuer,

simply pick up

and move thousands of miles away, across the ocean, was an unthinkable betrayal. Not only did

doned, but on a practical nine,

I

couldn

level,

was estranged from live

t

with

my

I

my

back

in

to go.

I

was only

mother, and for some reason

grandmother,

convenient option was the one

profoundly aban-

feel

I

had nowhere

I

whom

1

loved.

The most

dreaded most: sticking

me

boarding school.

This time,

it

was a

different place, the Ojai Valley School,

about an hour's drive from Los Angeles. But the psychic atmosphere for hair

still

me was much

the same. Thin and gawky, with

boy-short from the movie,

which made me different from

fair

my

game

—

little

My

childhood was so

formal schooling, an un-

conventional family, plus the fact that

54

was an ugly duckling,

I

for teasing.

classmates'

my

I'd just

made

a

movie

PAPER LIFE

A

that

an

felt like

I

alien.

I

was much more comfortable with

adults than with other children. I

tried to ingratiate

great one

was the claim

had bitten ment."

my

off

also said

I

myself by telling outrageous

ear;

I

my

even showed off

my

These

lies

a

One

shark

fake "replace-

no one believed me,

called

I

and put one of the doubters on the phone. "Oh firmed, at

tales.

was swimming,

I

had a horse ranch, which was a powerful

I

When

fantasy of mine.

while

that,

my

father

he con-

yes,"

insistence. "Yes, she does."

did nothing to

my popularity.

enhance

Instead

I

was scorned and picked on, ganged up on, even despised. Kids can be

much

terribly cruel.

of the time,

I

dorm mother, Mrs.

I

did

make one

friend, Carrie Earle, but

stayed holed up in the quarters of the Quill, crying

and playing with her dog

Mouton.

Then came bona

fide

the opening of Paper

mo\ie

star,

Moon. Suddenly

and e\"eryone \\anted

to

worse because

I

feeling that there

my

beg him

My

to the

I

could

me

flight.

We

me

it.

It left

I'd

up.

was

me

trust.

more than

e\"er that

would

I

I

could

out of school.

friend Carrie came with me

armed with

shook

popularity'

Christmas break, when

father in Ireland, hoping to pull

it

my newfound

better than to believe in

was no one

looked forward

I

visit

knew

was a

be m\" friend.

never experienced such hypocrisy before, and

Being hated was miserable, but

I

a huge Sugar Daddy on a

to Ireland,

each of us

stick for the twelve-hour

spent the whole time gnaudng on those toffee suck-

55

"

"

TATUM O'NEAL ers

and running up and down the

lounge. father

It

was

was

the place

thrilling,

staying,

stairs to the jet's first-class

and so was the manor house where

which looked

like a castle.

Carrie,

my dad had

rated with posters of Rod Stewart and

Marc

a

room

He was

missed so badly.

and he seemed determined stage footraces

in the father

always cranky and preoccupied, to pit

me

against Carrie. He'd

between the two of us and then cheer her on.

"Wow, look

at those legs. Carrie, you're so fast! You're

good runner

—

much

so

paid for you to

my

took out

I

come

such a

better than Tatum!

somehow gained my

Jealous and confused because she'd father's favor,

deco-

all

Bolan. However,

soon became clear that something had changed

I'd

my

were sure

was haunted.

To welcome me and

it

We

here,

"

on Carrie.

frustrations I'd tell her.

"And

"My dad

I'm bigger than

you, so I'm the boss.

So we fought thing, however.

stay

I

on with him

a lot during that trip.

managed

to

persuade

did succeed in one

I

my

father to let

after Carrie returned to the States.

However, any hopes

I

had of recovering

my

uncle Kevin, his

orous Belgian blonde

dated Greg

but, like

named

artist

an even more set

my

my

father

what would become

maneuvered Caroline and

me

a

into

lopsided and painful triangle than the one he'd

up with Carrie. It

was lopsided because

matched. Caroline was out in gleaming

56

father,

Caroline. Caroline had originally

Tuesday Weld, wound up with

father

my

friend Greg, and a glam-

instead, after considerable drama. In lifelong pattern,

were

his affection

quickly dashed. As usual, an entourage surrounded including

me

silk

in this case

I

was seriously

over-

an icy beauty, always perfectly turned

blouses and gabardine slacks

—very

intim-

—

"

PAPER LIFE

A

idating to a gawky,

something powerful

self-conscious preadolescent.

me

locked in

my

my

to offer

derstand yet: sex. As

father that

to drive that point

if

I

She had even un-

didn't

home, my father

out of his bedroom, once actually shutting the door

face

and shouting, "You don't get

to

come

in here.

Only

Caroline can. cried outside his door for

I

my

After intensely in

my

left for

father's heart.

and

My

Carrie's

\isit.

lump me

seemed

to

making

me

Of

in

1

I

I

like hours.

what

craved

I

had an unshakable place

him had been rocked when

faith in

durmg

the Paper

Moon

badly wanted him to love

my need

me

pub-

again.

for fatherly affection,

with his other "demanding"

he

women,

feel like the lightweight in a tug-of-war for his

course, the harder

possessive

that

Ireland and then again

But rather than honor

love.

childhood,

— was the assurance

he

licity

love-depri\ed

what seemed

I

had

to tug, the

more needy and

got.

Barry LY^DO^, directed

by the great Stanley Kubrick,

was based on the Thackeray novel about an eighteenth-century Irishman els the

who

fights for

England

Se\en Years War,

Continent, and then reinvents himself as a

the British aristocracy.

My father

do the voice of the offscreen ical

in the

starred

and w as

trav-

member

of

also going to

narrator. Striving for strict histor-

accuracy, Stanley even shot scenes by candlelight and

modeled other scenes on famous paintings of the

One

of the film's locations

caught the attention of the to see

even a

Irish

era.

was Dublin Castle, which Republican Army. Outraged

fictional representation of English troops

on

57

TATUM O'NEAL Irish soil, they sent

a result, the

gland.

whole production had

My father rented a

house

in

to

father

and

pick up and

As

Stanley.

move

London and sent me

Kubricks, whose youngest daughter,

with the a

my

death threats to

Vivian,

En-

to

to live

was

just

few years older than me.

They

li\'ed

outside the city in a big old Gothic house on the

moors. The place was a

little

eerie but also wonderful

they had lots of dogs and books. for the first time, while

I

was

I

The

there.

walls

were lined with

who

the beautiful artwork of Stanley's wife, Christiane,

couraged

my

efforts to paint

way they used

their knives

curious to sleep European

down

and draw. At dinner

and

because

started reading for pleasure,

forks,

style, as

and

1

at night

en-

copied the I

found

it

the Kubricks did, under

comforters with no sheets.

me tremendously. My dad had all his movies screened for me alone, in one sitting, when first got loved Stanley because he always spoke to me like to Ireland. Stanley impressed

I

I

an adult, discussing things

Mercedes

—

"It's

like the

reason he always drove a

the safest car in the world

"

—

as

if

they were

perfectly natural concerns for a nine-year-old. He'd ask

questions and listen intently to

though,

an odd

I'd

catch him looking at thing. Often,

little

standing why,

I

me

my answers. Now and then, me a bit askance, as if were I

around that time, without under-

got the sense that people were starting to feel

sorry for me.

Stanley and Vivian were very close, which

my

shifting relationship with

Ireland,

my

father.

I

had

I

envied, given

first

met her

where we would take long walks on the beach, laugh-

ing and playing and talking. Vivian

seemed

so exotic, with her

dark Russian looks, her poise, her humor, and her obvious

58

in

bril-

"

PAPER LIFE

A

She was musical, she wrote and spoke beautifully

liance.

she was everything

short,

and educated. Yet

I

that

was

I

—

in

amusing,

not: gorgeous,

an identification with her because we

felt

both came from offbeat, bohemian families. She was a person I

could aspire to be. Unfortunately,

long.

totally idolized her.

I

my adoration

didn't

She was nearly a teenager and

hold her interest.

Once

I

moved

I

me

endear

to Vivian for

was too much younger

to

with her family, the tension

in

between us increased. Vivian seemed

me

to find

wild and

rough around the edges, and she made no secret of her annoy-

how you

ance. "Tatum," she'd scold, "that's not got to say

it

like this.

.

.

."

me

She constantly put

Even years

with "Tatum, what rubbish!"

say

my

in

when

later,

You've

it.

her heartfelt, loving letters, her replies would always be

how you

corrections: "Tatum, that's not

Her

We

pid.

criticism always embarrassed

squabbled a

lot,

and

I

spell

got her revenge by offering to trim

full of

it!

me, making

once stuck

place

I'd v^Tite

gum

me

feel stu-

in her hair.

mine and then

She

practically

scalping me.

But there was more going on between us than childish fussViWan's charms weren't

ing.

lost

on

my

father,

who had

to set us at odds. "Vivian's so talented," he'd say.

hardly read and write. ful,

"

Or

wonder

father

"Tatum can

"Vivian, you're so beautiful, so grace-

so funny, so smart. Tatum, you're just a

My

silly little girl."

mesmerized full-grown women, so

that twelve-year-old Vivian fell for him.

it

and desperate crush on him.

me

didn't

only as a conduit to

seem

I

entirely unrequited.

a

so

deep

to

worry

that she toler-

father.

Worse

yet,

began

my

was no

He was

handsome, funny, and seductive that she developed

ated

started

her crush

While I'm sure they never

59

TATUM O'NEAL had any sexual contact— my father never had girls

—he

evidently relished her affection

a thing for

enough

to

young keep

pouring on the charm.

When

my

Vivian told Stanley about

was outraged.

I

father's flirtation,

never heard what he said to m\ father about

he it,

but they had some kind of falling out. Stanley later dropped

my

father as the narrator of Barry' Lyndon.

In

London my father

cial circle

— rock

One

Jagger's,

and he carried

night while

I

me

was

visiting,

my

out to

but even more than Mick,

thrilling,

was

dark, she

asleep at

fell

I

his gen-

father's car.

Mick

That was

loved Bianca. Slim and

I

strikingly beautiful, with

sense of

a glittering so-

and famous of

stars, actors, the rich

eration.

ualistic

had become part of

an incredible, individ-

style.

my primary female role models had been my grandmother, my mom, and Diane Lewis. Bianca's brand more sophisticated, of femininity was much more inspiring

Up

to that point,

—

glamorous, and even playful. At an age to figure out

mother,

I

my own

identity, flying blind

I

was struggling

without benefit of a

found myself almost magnetically drawn

strong, stylish, self-possessed

let

me paw

lous vantage dresses,

to

such

women.

Bianca intuitively grasped what

me. She

when

I

needed and indulged

through her closets, admiring her fabu-

and encouraged

me

to

buy

a Victorian

frock just like one of hers. She also had a collection of men's

antique suits and tuxedos, which she wore with a cane, a

bowler hat, and tremendous elan.

60

I

copied that look too, get-

A PAPER LIFE ting myself a

cane and a hat

little

London, feeling

my

phone and heard Mick

Then

up.

I

thought

considering

it

others

in

was

London,

— Ron

performing

had

1

to

hang

to Bianca.

my

father took

Wood, Kenney Rod

v\ith

my

collection of

little

picked up the

I

"Put on your knickers and get out

unfaithful he

The Faces

started a

yell,

was interesting that Mick was so demanding,

how

—were

visiting us in L.A.,

they started speaking French, so

During that time concert.

in

father began an affair with Bianca Jag-

Once, when she was

of there!"

wear out and about

utterly smashing.

At some point ger.

to

Stewart.

me

to

Jones,

my

and the

lo\ed them.

1

favorite artists

—

Leon

Russell,

I

everything

from Carlos Santana and Buddy Miles on eight-track .oilman Brothers, the Beatles,

first

to the

and Creedence

my lifelong passion for music, for which will always be grateful to mv father. While was in London, stayed on a cot in my father's dining room. As soon as arrived, I'd line up my toys and trinCleanvater Revival. That was the beginning of I

I

I

1

kets on the edge of the table, to feel at slept late, so

I

would wake up

bored morning,

I

home.

alone, with nothing to do.

started rooting through

it

out

told him, I

when Greg came

all

pried off the

lid.

—

as

A I

out laughing. Inevitably,

became In

brittle.

into the room. "Look,

I

it's

was dragcandy!"

I

excited.

a jack-in-the-box

tle"

One

some cabinets and

discovered what looked like a tin of peanut ging

All the adults

huge snake shot out

jumped

I

a fake one, like

on "Tatum and the peanut

riffs

brit-

my family for years.

a running joke in

London,

—

back screaming. Greg burst

soon discovered, there were new limits on

humor. Once, during

a party,

I

poked fun

at

my dad for getting

61

"

TATUM O'NEAL his teeth capped. "Don't look too close, or you'll see they're all

different colors,"

He

I

months

didn't like that. Just

before,

are fake."

when we were

—

it

I

pecially in front of

my

women. The easy intimacy

father

was gone.

Walking on

eggshells,

with

cariousness of

was doing

my

I

me

declare, flat out,

away.

Vivian, "1

to

make my

father

my

up and punched

tional swings scared

me

were drugs around, which

mean. Once so loving and funny,

that

I

started writing

pleading notes: "Please, Daddy, don't be

Please,

I'll

be a big

girl,

I'll

my dad

uncle Kevin in the face. His emo-

much

so

who

Tatum.

he was growing crazily moody. At the airport one day, flared

have

to

He had belittled me, and now sometimes

just don't like you,

started noticing that there

I'd

seemed

used

position, trying to clutch at a father

his best to drive

would simply

I

increasingly shaken by the pre-

felt

shamed me with Carrie and

tle

to-

—

New York, was okay and even fun to joke about stardom. Now there were things wasn't allowed to say, es-

gether in his

"And some of those teeth

teased.

be a better

girl,

I'll

try.

mad

him at

Daddy,

I

lit-

me. love

you. Please don't hate me!"

I

WAS

IN

England when we

got the call. Paper

Moon had

garnered four Oscar nominations: Best Sound, Best Screenplay Adapted from Another

Supporting Actress, for

Medium, and two

me and

for

Madeline Kahn. Peter was

passed over for Best Director, and Laszlo's

raphy went unacknowledged. Worst of nomination,

my

father didn't

make

shots at Best

brilliant

all,

cinematog-

for the Best

Actor

the cut.

You'd think an Oscar nomination would be an indelible

62

"

PAPER LIFE

A

moment,

me

member glossed

at

it

me

gave

all.

it

over,

Where

shook

a hug, I

He

the news.

for a hfetime.

trauma instead of a triumph.

a

was,

I

my

who

told

me

The memory is

how my

revealed

first

I

But for can't re-

me, whether anyone

hand, showered

couldn't say.

was Vivian who

It

and savor

a xictory to cherish

must have been

it

with praise, or

totally lost to

me.

father reacted to

socked me. For a child already obsessed with

who was

losing her father,

living in terror, believing that his

was ebbing away, that would have been way too painful

love

process. I

Ive blocked

If

do know that

it

my dad

press, saying, "She's lazy

To

picture.

with

start

then after a while going to

I

it

is

it

it's

let his

to

no wonder. bitterness leak to the British

by nature

.

was known

.

.

but she took over the

as Ryan's

was called Tatum's Dad.

make another

again, nor

out,

.

.

picture. I'm not going to

Daughter and .

No,

she's not

work with her

Peter.

guess his jealousy was out of control.

Returning to the States

and sad

—

I

felt like Little

ceremony

for the

Orphan Annie.

—

alone, shaky,

My father stayed be-

hind in England, ostensibly because he was too busy with

my mother

Barn' Lyndon, and there was no word from Griffin.

I

was

too cut off from them.

still

It

was

as

if

I

or

had

committed some unmentionable, possibly unpardonable

sin

by winning the nomination.

Once went

to

again,

Jon Peters

had (and hated)

me

helped

my grandmother s

in

I

Paper Moon.

find a small

asked for a

We

beauty salon for the same pixie haircut

the awards, then took

made.

stepped into the breach.

enough

me

little

to

I

I'd

loved high heels, and she

pair,

so

I

could wear them for

Nolan Miller

to

have an

outfit

tuxedo, just like Bianca Jagger's Yves

Saint Laurent model.

63

"

"

TATUM O'NEAL On I

Oscar

and

night, she

was up against Linda

{American

my

grandfather were

Sylvia Sidney

Graffiti),

{Summer

movie attended

— not even Peter—

mony

dragged on,

of the evening

got tired and bored.

1

was a

streaker,

Wishes, Winter

one else from the

was no celebratory

so there

no sense that anyone was cheering

air,

No

escorts.

Candy Clark

Blair {The Exorcist),

Dreams), and of course, Madeline Kahn.

my

me

on.

The

biggest highlight

who prompted

a

As the

cere-

funny ad-lib by

the host, David Niven, that he was "showing off his shortcomings."

Then my name was of confusion.

called.

I

headed

to the stage in a blur

must have looked very vulnerable and

I

small,

my tux, all by myself, until, like an aftergrandfather ran up to join me. didn't even have a my thought, said was, "I want to thank my director speech ready, so all and my father. standing there in

1

I

how became

That's

I

the youngest

Academy Award winner

in history.

Afterward,

my

home.

Palisades

grandparents took

We

didn't have a party or

to celebrate. Peter called to say,

sent

he

me

flowers.

said, "I

knew

I

it,

phoned my kid.

I

Talking to the press,

claiming he told

me

ing an

was

as

if

ten,

64

I

do anything special

job, Tatee,"

father to

tell

him

I'd

and

later

won, and

it."

he would add drama

to

our exchange,

Oscar was pure gold but that

think

it's

Academy Award-winning

play

to their Pacific

I

bronze.

he suddenly saw that there was cachet in hav-

on display on top of licly

"I

"Good

knew you could do

that the

corrected him, saying, It

me back

his

TV. In years

up my achievement,

would buy

into

daughter. to

put

my Oscar

come, he would pub-

as well as his

and contribute

He own

to the

role in

it.

Of-

mythology that

A PAPER LIFE sprung up around us as an inseparable father-and-daughter team.

At the time, however,

I

had

little

sense of accomplishment.

There was no fanfare from anyone who mattered pride and self-worth ple

would consider

feeling

I

My ting.

to

a life-defining

at

my mother

me, so the

might have gained from what most peo-

honor was leached away. The

associate most with winning the Oscar

whelming sadness them, for

I

being abandoned by

remained

silent

is

my parents

—one more

an over-

—both

of

time.

only defense against that terrible sadness was forget-

But forgiving was harder.

65

SIX The Bet

—

The Academy Award Valley School, where

tinued to endure

—

ward

wound up once

I

my

old

a

new

now had

I

make an impression

did

a

little-girl level,

Although

one: "Oscar."

the lesson

Moon

was

con-

I

Tatum back-

nickname "Mutat"

gained after the release of Paper

On

again.

at the Ojai

The

popularity

I'd

skyrocketed for a while.

clear: to

make

friends you

be empathetic or even charming and fun. All

didn't have to

it

took was fame.

The

realization

made me

mistrustful than before.

taken a heavy I'd

turned

me

cost

toll.

My

cynical

little

whatever was

as a "great little girl"

experience in England had also

—had

left

—

and uneasy

tative

I

believed that

me. Winning the award seemed

of his goodwill.

started to shatter.

I

in the world.

Even

now

felt

somewhat

flawed, essen-

—and much more my

started walking sort of stoop shouldered,

to

My image of myself

a spunky, talented, at least

unlikable, unable to trust myself

tially

and even more

Without understanding how,

my father against

lovable child

a

ten-

posture changed.

I

hunched over protec-

tively. I

did have a

ligence to find

few things going

my way

for

in the world,

me, though: enough

intel-

even without the comfort

67

TATUM ONEAL and guidance of parents; an innate honesty, giving infallible bullshit detector; the nerve to fight;

urge to question, to find out exactly where

you mean by that? Explain always demanding.

picked that

enough

if

there ever

to pin people

These were the

I

it.

my

I

was one

"What do

mean,"

could learn.

I

was

think

I

my agent— a

I

heavy-

—who was always

fierce

me

enabled

to sur\ive.

settled in

I

off, for

and even enjoyed

the it

a

was never keen on the constraints. But when

Oscar glow wore

insecure

stood.

Ojai Valley School, on and

next few years. Eventually

though

I

down.

skills that

WOULD ATTEND

little,

I

a pretty

and a compulsive

me what you

Tell

was the only way

up from Sue Mengers,

trait

duty woman,

It

me

off,

I

— and too much

became an outcast of a loner

— ever

again.

to feel

I

was too

completely

comfortable around other children. I

alwa\'s envied the kids

whose parents sent them care

packages of candy and cookies. lured

me

dorm room

to a

One

bunch

day, a

and began

to share their loot

stung by the way

Still

had favored her

started bashing her too

England,

I

have her jump out of the closet, furious,

was a setup.

When when

she's

I

vi-

father

—

only to

confront me.

to

It

was mortified.

the school staged Tlie Wizard of Oz,

rassed even

more

publicly.

I

white and white

had only one

when

huge burden of expectations, and

I

I

was embar-

line: "She'll

she's black

do with the witch. As an Oscar winner,

I

"

felt

be black

—something

to

saddled with a

got so flustered that

could barely speak. Everyone laughed mercilessly.

68

my

ciously bad-mouthing Carrie. in

of girls

I

"

PAPER LIFE

A

Always a mischief maker,

gum and

stick

the desks. For

me

in the face, a

never tolerate.

few hours

to

them under

teacher slapped

that, a

used

I

some

later in Ojai Village.

to

1

could

be picked up a

became desperate

1

of

infraction Hke

punishment

away from school, only

ran

I

chew huge wads

to

escape

for good.

Then one day

in

1975,

I

got a

welcome

call

from Sue

Mengers. She was a force of nature, with a booming voice and a powerful delivery. "Hello, hello, hello," she began, as usual.

"Got a picture

It

was The Bad News

Little

made

a

I

meet

tells

swimming

me how much

pools. Every

who now

man

of a cer-

he loved that movie

—

that

major milestone of his youth. Quentin Tarantino owns

a film print of

it

(as well as

he can recite every all

Bears, the story of a painfully inept

Morris Buttermaker (Walter Matthau)

his living cleaning

tain age

was

coming back.

League team coached by an alcoholic former Major

Leaguer,

it

for you, kid. You're

line.

one of Paper Moon) and claims that

He

has called

it

his favorite

movie of

time. In

it, I

play

Amanda Whurlitzer,

of Buttermaker's ex-girlfriend,

team.

It's

as "a

buncha Jews,

booger-eatin' moron!"

Leak

close to

he recruits to save the

spies, niggers, pansies,

The only other decent

and

player around

a is

(Jackie Earle Haley), a juvenile delinquent type

who smokes and

On

whom

motley crew of foul-mouthed kids described by

a

one of them

Kelly

the pitching-ace daughter

rides a Harley

Paper Moon,

$50

million),

and helps out

in a

crunch.

made $16,000 (Paramount grossed but now the stakes were different. My I

69

TATUM O'NEAL fee

was $350,000, plus

a

percentage of the

profits, the high-

est ever paid to a child actor at the time.

earn

with,

three months, I

to

it.

To begin

would

me.

would have

I

I'd

had

I

how

to learn

be driven out to

Every day for

to pitch.

Chadv^ck, where

a field in

train with a major-league pitcher

whose name escapes

have a pretty high degree of natural athletic

I

eventually

Most

got quite good.

I

actually mine. But training

and

ability,

of the pitching in the film

was easy compared

is

to the chal-

lenge of throwing pitches over and over, in the sweltering sum-

mer

wearing an

heat, while

itchy, tight

woolen uniform during

the shoot.

between

In

takes, there

there were

new

On

I

the set

My

hours.

was no slacking

had

to

have a tutor to school

me

teacher was a short, stocky blonde

breath and wore skin-tight jeans, lipstick

off

on chapped

to concentrate.

The shoot

because

now

laws governing the treatment of child actors.

I

lips. I'd sit

cowboy

with her in

was very

different

who had bad

boots,

and frosted

my trailer struggling

hated her even more than

itself

daily for three

I

hated math.

from what

I'd

experi-

enced on Paper Moon. Peter Bogdanovich was a strong, handson,

instinctual

collaborator.

them

tions,

with

former actor himself, he knew

and expressions

tures

play

A

who worked

director

to

actors

how

to

Through

a series of

little

mechanics

mance. Most of the time,

I

—than

felt left to

ac-

own

The Bad

was much more focused on the broad strokes

story line, the scene

70

use ges-

he could help you build a character, drawing on your

Bears,

a

convey emotion and would sometimes

out, to demonstrate.

expressive powers. But Michael Ritchie, the director of

News

like

—the

the specifics of a perfor-

my own

devices to figure

PAPER LIFE

A

out where to stand,

how

and how

to carry myself,

to interact

with the other characters.

At that point,

had no formal training

I

even a class

in basic

feistiness in

common

resonance

tional

technique.

I

had

with Amanda, but nothing

I'd felt

tough time puzzling

it

me

he would

that, to rela.\,

then watch the water run out.

me.

I

I

tried

come

as

had a

I

came

in a full

it,

but

it

He

to obser\e.

sit

bathtub and

didn't

work

for

was feeling the pressure. were professionals, many

All the other kids in the cast

trained by top acting coaches in

they

direction,

there were studio executi\es on

the set. Stanley Jaffe, the producer, often told

emo-

out.

To make matters worse,

once

— not

like the

with Addie. The role didn't

and with Michael's sketchier

naturally,

as an actor

a certain smart-alecky

knew what

they were doing, w hich

experience more acuteh.

advantage

I

New York.

And most

of

It

was obvious

made me

that

my

in-

them had another

big

feel

them

lacked: a parent ho\"ering around to gi\e

moral support.

One day had

I

did get a

remarried

and

\isit

was

from Griffin and

on

living

Bolas

my

mother. She

Street

Chatsworth section of L.A., and we were back

When

they arrived on the

set,

I

the

in

in

touch.

was eating an ice-cream cone. "

I

offered

"Yeah, I

a

to Griffin.

it

"

he

shoved

it

"Do you want

a lick?

said.

in his face.

measure of how

I'll

off balance

never forgi\e m\self for that. I

was

—

so impatient with myself

about the acting, so frustrated by Michael's directing eaten up with anxiety because so cess,

and so

isolated, with

style, so

my

suc-

to turn for nurturing

and

much was

nowhere

It's

riding

on

71

TATUM O'NEAL help. I'm told that,

"Tantrum."

I

around

did act out

—

was ten-going-on-eleven,

I

overwhelmed, and recent events

and

nicknamed

this time, the press

my

in

life

had

me

left

me was

I

angry

belligerent.

But the movie

wound up being

who

with some of the guys

played

fun.

my

I

enjoyed hanging out

teammates, and

I

totally

adored Walter Matthau. His character in the movie was a

lumbering bear, and Walter was real

life.

like that too,

only warmer, in

my

In our scenes together, he really boosted

wound up being

dence, and he

big,

confi-

a wonderful father figure/

friend. I

also loved his wife, Carol,

woman stick,

— ultrafeminine, with

and

who was my

pale, perfect

a lyrical voice. She'd

been the

makeup, pink

in the Daisy,

She gave

which was

account of her rags-to-riches childhood.

alized

lip-

original inspiration

for Holly Golightly in Breakfast at Tiffany's.

copy of her book. The Secret

favorite kind of

I

me

a

a fiction-

grew

also

quite close to Lucy, Carol's daughter with William Saroyan, an actress

who was

When we

dating her actual godfather, Marlon Brando.

finished shooting

huge sense of accomplishment. alone, not in

my

father's

had been hard, but great.

That made

me

I

invited to appear on a

72

life,

I've

was

my

Bears,

I

felt a

made by me

movie,

shadow but under my own steam.

could see that the

final

It

product was

proud.

Around the time whole

The Bad News It

I

was making The Bad News

new comedy show hosted by

had huge adoration

I

was

Cher.

My

Bears,

for very stylish, divalike

A PAPER LIFE

women

— hold

that sad

my

as a child

on crutches

silky-haired, elegantly turned-out

and you can see why.

idols,

me

photo of

little

up to an image of one of

Still,

Cher was

in a class apart.

She was probably the ultimate high-powered, high-fashion diva of the time. In

one sketch on the show,

decked out

herself,

sequined gown.

I

fell totally in

as in "Please take over I

my

literally

camped on

love with

life.

to

Let

implied that

I

quite true.

where

My

I

father

win her

to

had bought

my

there

was no one he could

at

it all

of playing

— not

and a

in a sexual

like you."

I

embarked

Bears,

I

called

all

mansion

the time right off

Jayne Mansfield's former else to go,

house

a

babysitter.

call

Cher

for her attention,

which wasn't

in Beverly Hills,

Once

I

half-brother Patrick to pretend that

Cher took live

be

over.

had nowhere

with

me

me

the doorstep of her

was staying with a

I

Cher

The Bad Neivs

Carrollwood Drive, next door

home.

thrill

desperate hunger

finished with

on an intense campaign

and

got the

in a flowing wig, platform sandals,

way, of course, but with a

As soon

I

even conspired fainted and

I'd

but Cher.

with remarkable good humor. She even

her house for a few weeks.

It

let

was heaven! Her

daughter, Chastity Bono, was around sometimes, but she was so

much younger

wanted

to

Cher ping

at

do was

that to

I

never really played with her. All

I

hang out with Cher.

got her nails

done every other

day.

We

went shop-

Theodore on Rodeo Drive, where she bought one of

everything. All her clothes were brand-new, with the tags

on them. She had the same

shirt in

every color.

I

still

was blown

away.

My

room was way down

the hall from the master suite,

73

TATUM O'NEAL where Cher shut out,

huge grand bed. Hating

slept in a

once knocked on her door,

1

see her. She

came out

she said, angrily enough that Instead,

on the show.

never did

I

are

I

close to Raquel Welch,

Cher

told

That caused

wound up

playing. I'm

Cher was

between them

who

Raquel at the

little

I'd

—

with him,

When

he's a big

wasn't, but

good a

Cher'd

realized she

was

took the drastic step of confiding

I

liar.

drug addict,"

me

They wound up

—

I

was

that

getting married, and needless to

who

dis-

troublemaking. After dislodging

me

of people in Cher's

list

my

from her house, she would in her fabulous light

about cars after

wanted

still

it

take

blue

that, picturing

Jaguars, though I

for a while

life

for years.

But Cher forgave

me up

told Cher.

I

Cher believed me

Gregg joined the long

drive.

1

she's all

in her house.

He

model

and

satin jacket,

seen him shooting heroin— having no idea what that

"Oh,

liked

I

Troubadour, the club where he was

at the

wearing a

falling in love

on outings, picking 1

all

started to obsess

the fastest, latest-

would be years before

a fur coat too

Cher was very kind

me

Ferrari.

myself in

—and

glamorous, powerful womanhood.

74

terrible in

for a while.

lover.

out, looking spectacular, in a hat.

all,

appearing

that I'd overheard Raquel complain-

a big rift

have a picture of us

say,

who was

was with Cher the night that she met Gregg Allman.

I

was

to

you doing here?"

hating me, and so did David Geffen,

time was Cher's

that

had

again.

it

ing that she hated her segment and that it.

I

started to create havoc with other people, out of

I

Cher was

jealousy.

"What

stark naked.

as usual to be

insisting that

to

me.

all

1

could legally

the other trappings of

Of Cher-hood. Through

it

— PAPER LIFE

A

Barry Lyndon was slated

for release at

and The Bad News Bears would follow April 1976.

ing

down

One

hot

summer day my

the Pacific Coast

down and

with the top

a

and

father

Highway

Christmas 1975,

few months I

later, in

were speed-

in his beige Rolls-Royce,

the radio blaring something like the

Allman Brothers or Ry Cooder. The conversation turned

made with Barbra

Streisand in the early 1970s.

"Do you think The Bad News Bears U'p,

our

comedy

soon-to be-released movies, and he brought up the hit he'd

to

will

be as big as What's

Doc?" he asked. "Definitely,

which picture

"Well, then,

News

told him.

I

"

is

The Bad

going to do better

Bears or Barry Lyndon}"

"The Bad News Bears

make

going to

is

a ton of

money,"

I

insisted. "I'll

I

bet you a

lot

of

money

that Barry

Lyndon beats

took the bet.

Barry Lyndon was released that December.

Its

running time and low-key emotion discouraged a

some major

goers and even

New

Yorker,

who

called

it

Bad News Bears came out

in the spring,

Lyndon

at the

This time reaction.

box I

office.

didn't

So

to

It

lot

of movie-

it

").

When The

struck such a chord

far

outstripped Barry

won hands down.

need Vivian

He punched me.

which began

I

it

three-hour

Pauline Kael of The

critics (like

"an ice-pack of a movie

with young male baby boomers that

ter

it."

to

remind

me

of

my

father's

didn't look like our relationship,

erode so badly in England, was due to get bet-

anytime soon.

75

SEVEN Dear Fanny

Fanny, this First of all, I that's

am

how you

my first

is

day writing, so I'm going

doing a movie.

spell

it.

.

.

if Peter wants

My dad is Almost

which

1

it

as soon as

named

my

hair

for the movie,

in a great I

/

a

mood.

off. It

had

I

hope he

I

could write

1

looks awful.

better

do

it.

.

stays that way.

.

.

.

.

But

started keeping a journal,

Fanny, inspired by The Diarj' of

my

Anne

were born, pasting

kids

funny pictures of them. By now

my

books long. Some of them are sad

I

.

Frank.

wrote to Fanny nearly every day, sometimes adding sketches and, after

lot.

think

.

Yesterday they chopped all

guess

to say

called Nicelodian.

It is

diary

is

in

I

little

cute or

dozens of note-

to leaf through, especially

the ones from the chaotic years after

my

from

father's return

England.

Apart from a few stretches

at

with him, both in Malibu and

9897 Beverly Grove

Drive.

It

boarding school,

at

1

was

our Beverly Hills

living

home

at

was a Spanish-style mansion,

with a sundial on the patio, that had once belonged to John

Barrymore. After The Bad after

News

Bears,

my dad

hired a babysitter to look

me, Sabrina Guinness, of the Guinness beer

family.

She

77

"

"

TATUM O'NEAL was

because she wasn't big

liked her

I

my father's Rolls-Royce uith me in was okay, but as noted in my diary, she had "semi-whiplash. Sabrina's favorite thing to do was take me to rock stars'

on I

and

in her early twenties,

rules.

She once crashed

it.

I

houses, where she liked to hang out.

One

around and do crazy things.

Rod

Stewart's house,

pened. Afire started. electricity.

.

.

In fact, it,

I

get tired of sitting

when we were

over at

recorded. This really weird thing hap-

1

It

day,

I'd

was

really strange

because

how

had

it

wasn't

from

.

knew

exactly

out of boredom. Since

the

fire

started.

my father read my diary

I

had

set

— despite my — couldn't

note on the opening page, demanding that he stop

1

be entirely candid with Fanny.

Another time, visiting,

Ekland was with Rod when we were

Britt

and when she wanted

she couldn't leave. period and

I

I

guess

1

home,

needed

was feeling very

Those years were

to go

I

stole her

shoe so

was

a weird

attention.

It

lost.

a blur of crazy Holly-wood parties.

agent Sue Mengers's were legendary, and

all

My

the top actors

would come: Clint Eastwood, Michael Caine, Jack Nicholson, and Robert De Niro.

I

remember

and noticing that Robert De

sitting

on the

floor

one night

Niro's wife wasn't wearing any

underwear. Sue would be working the room, puffing a joint like

it

was a

cigarette,

and breaking

in

on people's conversa-

tions: "fiello! I'm talking here!" I

was always amazed

At one dinner,

I

at

how

aggressive she was.

was seated next

to

Woody

scolded me. "You have to stop doing that!

78

Allen,

and he

PAPER LIFE

A

"Doing what?" "You're scratching

You're making this noise. You're

it.

scratching the fork!" All

could say was, "Oops

I

Most crazy

little

who was

thing

God

because

I'd say,

forbid you

was so embarrassed. saw

too

young

to

me

My

into.

diary

how

went .

—

were

was going

with

I

had no

to

there:

what

to be,

we went

would turn

I

A lot of the My dad and

was

it

to last

.

.

.

so boring I coidd not believe

night

—about

John Denver sang. Frank Sinatra

3 million stars

Diana Ross

sang.

sang about fourteen songs, but after the third one she put

Barbra and Jon were there. Barbra has got

sleep.

cut. It looks awful.

She

he makes her happy,

was

It

madly I

I

I

with such a putz

guess that's

sure that

it's

all that

this

new

me

to

hair-

unbelievable but

counts

American Film

met Dustin Hoffman

in love with him.

felt

is

at a party for the

John Ford that

but

face,

edit button.

critical observations:

wasn't the greatest party.

it

Goldie Hawn's—

This party

.

I

is filled

peofle were drunk

if

as a

be so up front and chal-

had a funny expression on your

"What's that look for?"

them, wondering

.

I

was always watching the adults around me and judging

I

it.

sorry!"

of the time, though, I'm sure people

lenging.

1

—

.

.

.

Institute tribute to

for the first time.

I

fell

He had a ballet-dancer wife and a child,

someday we were destined

to

be together.

even wTOte him a song, which Griffin makes fun of

I

to this day:

Dusty, where's your heart?

Do you know

that mine's right with you?

Can't you see

how

I

I'm mesm-erized by your smile?

look through eyes,

Doesn't that

Oh, why do

which think

mean anything I

dig you?

.

.

to

you're mighty wise.

you?

.

79

TATUM O'NEAL Inevitably,

my

which began

press,

growing up too

my

partygoing drew a

appearance

gown from short hair.

the

to characterize

Around

knew what

The

and

the time of Nickelodeon,

that

.

.

.

little

my dad

in a

is

me, and

He

I

wrote:

The whole thing

worried.

he a

little

is

a great

It's

about me,

jealous. I feel sad about

bad mood tonight.

My whole world revolved moods.

got a cover story

I

"Tatum! The Hollywood Kid." By then

my dad might

think

I

who was

as a wild child

picked up

stories

publicity could cost

I'm just a

article.

me

of attention from the

momentum after at the Tommy premiere, wearing my sequined Cher show and glitter on my eyes, with my fast.

in Neivsweek, headlined I

lot

was doing a

lot

around

of drugs

my

father's volatile

and was arrested

for pos-

session of marijuana after a police raid on the Barrymore

He would

house.

sleep

away

half the day while

around, scared to wake him and rouse his temper.

were making Nickelodeon, he stayed holed up his trailer.

It

was

I

tiptoed

When we

in the hotel or

a very difficult shoot.

Nickelodeon was Peter's tribute to the early movie business, with some echoes of the career of

D.W.

Griffith.

My

father

played a lawyer-turned-writer-turned-director, shooting a series of silent films in a tiny desert town. His leading

man was

Reynolds, Jane Hitchcock was the love interest, and

crew member/odd job helper/bit actor movie.

I

I

remember

a comedy, but there that Burt

cars to Vasquez Rock, with

80

and

my

played a

in the movies-within-the-

even learned to sing and tap-dance

The movie was the set.

I

Burt

my

for the picture.

was

father

little

humor on

once raced

their

father driving 150 miles an

A

was

hour. But that

A

a bright spot.

lot

PAPER LIFE mem-

of the time, the

bers of the cast weren't talking to one another.

We were late

and

shooting near Modesto, which was hot and deso-

poor.

I

was reading Of Mice and Men, and being

my

ber crying a

lot.

I

was

also upset by the

in a

I

remem-

way we were

treating

setting so similar to Steinbeck's just broke

heart.

animals on the set of Nickelodeon. There was ostrich riding

and

trip

was

as

wires for horses

if

my

heart

was

— things

that are

and

really open,

I

no longer allowed.

was very strongly

It

af-

fected by anything sad or disturbing. I

and

was forced

—

just

Bad News

my

to study for three

luck

—

Bears. I'd

got the

sit

little

hours each day with a tutor

blond lady again from The

my

there in

trailer,

staring at her teeth,

waiting miserably for the door to open, hoping to be called

back

to the set.

my entire I

didn't

life,

Though

I

read books constantly throughout

understand the value of

posedly for

Once

my own

again,

my I

father

my

had

to

lenses,

his seclusion in the hotel it

really defenseless.

I

I

wrote

in

the

my

had

belittling,

dollars.

Another time

I

They

and

I

diary:

whole

day.

Then

every time

me, Peter puts in his two cents. That adds up

about twelve

I

remember seeing him was when we

My dad makes fun of me yells at

taken out.

cornea.

were working. Then he was always angry and

dad

sup-

it,

I

to the hospital to have

The only other time

was

endure

my guardian on the set. She tried which made me curious. in the back of my eye. So, for one

was forced out of

was rushed

scratched

just

go to school.

good.

them on and got one stuck night,

it. I

to

Diane Lewis was

wore hard contact

while

me

no one had ever encouraged

don't think I have

confided to Fanny that

to

my be

any feelings. I

cried on the set

TATUM O'NEAL me

because Peter scolded telling

me

happy

that

in front of

not to finish the sandwich

time. Peter finally took

me

work with,

too difficult to

listened and, for the

most

aside to

He

pratfalls

part, started

me

me.

I

me

again,

I

do him

to

had screwed

I

insisted that

kept going

we

till

got

I

it

movie debut.

He

used

do impressions of

Mad Humper,

right.

—

it

I

it.

helpful.

rolling around,

me

sitting

get-

on his

takes. This

is

with this movie."

the take didn't work,

developed a

around

little

crush

Nichelodeon was his in his little

on the

made-up

lot.

Karmann

He would

characters, like the

guy standing near the side of a building, look-

a

It

human

I

me

funny,

I

saved the day.

Ritter.

was

humps

hilarious.

the wall with these

little,

John was one of the most

and generous young actors

magical

set.

Burt accepted that and

to drive a stick shift

lots of

the

So when Burt messed up

up.

So

it

if

John

to zip

ing furtively around as he subtle thrusts.

—

"No more

had

I've

had blown

really loved

I

Ghia and taught me

liant

I

movie

a favor

Burt was usually wonderful, and

on him, but

on the

—and Burt Reynolds was always

hate Modesto, and

Peter asked

me

all

was getting

I

when was

kept messing up a scene with

to claim that

was so un-

I

fighting

that

fat,

behaving myself.

of a time

shoulders until he finally told Peter, killing

me

warn

a lot of slapstick in the

jumping, doing

eating.

and

that people disliked

Recently Peter reminded

ting hurt.

was

I

started acting out, arguing

I

There was

everyone for being

I

have ever met

—

bril-

a really

being.

Nickelodeon, though a very good movie, was a flop, which made life with my father even tougher. He smoked

82

Ah

beautiful

mom's

Holhivood studio head shot, circa l9SOs.

^I^

mom, Doroth) Cook (aka Joanna Moore),

around age eleven

in

Americiis, Georgia.

Baby

The O'Neals

Tatiiui,

in

1964

7

963. Encino, Calijornia.

(left to right):

(Charles "Blackie" O'Neal); me;

ni}

hah) Griffin; dad, Ryan.

Lane, Encino, Calijornia.

Grandpa

On Sabana

Me

lUiil

uioui Oil

Dioniiiio,

C

hristiinis

1964. C'Jieck out

my gruoiy

wJiite patent

leather go-go hoots a)ul iiiotn's

my

ever-present wig

and jalse

eyehishes.

Mom

and me

in hetter times.

My brother Griffin and me

in

our pool on Sabana Lane, 1965.

More good times with Mom and Griffin: Downtown Los Angeles, 1965, on Olii'era Street with sombreros.

Shorth after nn parents here

Wliere

is

m)

mom}

I

am

at

Jliat's

home

me

looking

in the

Check out

the

separatioti,

somen hat forlorn.

middle

gun on

in

our living room

the nail.

in 196'

A

letter that I

wrote to

The words speak for

fOfT]

my mother after one

themselves.

I

of her drinking hinges.

was probahly

six years old.

So

sad.

.'./-^(••^

hO x>

^

y

i\ '"^p.

u

1

(TldF)

fr'^n^riM''

Wliat a pair ive make: (h-ifjijt\

lIou

II,

zipper

iin Ihiir

rollers,

is is

i)i

and iiu on

crutches ajter haiiitg fallen off the roof at a

neighbor's house in

Reseda.

Look hoiv

little

Here ne are ticket

park

in

Griffin

1972

counter at the

is.

at the go-cai-t

in Reseda. I'tn niad.

On

location

for

Paper

Moon

with

director Peter

Bogdonovitch,

tning

ivJio is

to get

me

to

do something it

I

looks like

don

t

want

to do.

PHOTOGRAPH

BY

STEVE SCHAPIRO

^

M\ (ihsohite

"style fjnrn,"

Bitiucci jiiooer,

back

in the

day wearing her suit by Yves Saint Laurent.

Her look near

inspired tue to

a tiny tuxedo to the

Academy Awards. PHOIOGRAPH SC IIAPIRO

^P Tliere

the I

J

am

wiiining

Academy Award.

never told anyone that neither of )n\

parents attended.

© AP/WIDE won

I

I)

BV STEVE

On »j

(I

the set of IN'ickclodian,

really orcal

one saw.

1

uunic that no

977.

I

was twelve

rears old.

Could

I

have loved working with an actor an} more than

Walter Matthaii?

One

this guy,

of the greatest. (Check out the piika shells.)

© AP/VVIDE WORLD

PHOTOS

Ullpp^

ti}}ies.

Me

TJiat's lite

and on

on the

beach

he^t frieiuls u)i the

left,

Maria Lhlan

and Monique Lavoie

is

is

in

Malibu.

in the middle,

on the

right.

PHOTOGFL-VPH BV STEPHEN JAFFE

Ah

and

hiojirst cntsJi:

Diistin

at a)i

awards

Holhiiood.

Me

Hoffman sJioiv in

Proof. Yes, there were

some

realU oorjj times.

Griffin

and

I

consoling each other during a break on the set of International \elvet in England.

©

bettalw-n/corbis

Me

atid Aiijelica Hitstoii at I

Right: At a photo

booth in Ejiglaud: uie

and

lu^

nen

best friend, \ivieu

Kid^rick, daughter of Stal^le^, ni) alltiiue favorite

director.

Far right: Helping t}n

dad learn

to

jence during the

making of Barr\ L\ndon. \of happy PHOTOGRAPH BY SCHAPIRO

STE\ E

Blake s Hotel

lias twelve years old.

in Loiulou.

M\ father, Melauie

vie,

and

Griffith at the

Pcilui RestintriUit in

Los Angeles, Fehntan 20, 1977.

PHOrOGRVPH B\ RON GALLEU\

So desperate

M\

for a niotlier figure.

hero, Cher.

PHOTOGRAPH BY RON GALELUA

—

'

PAPtR LIFE

A

grass

your I

long and was constantly belittling me. "Look at

all cla\

he d

hair,"

hated looking

as

when

smiled

I

nerved,

me I

looked like

we continued

scene.

he reinforced

compulsive.

where the

natural, preadolescent

"very strong jealousy

and seemed

it

Women

ver\- air

his

to thrive

on

father scream at

I

need

'

it.

more

e\"en

and hear them have sex

—both

prepubescent child. Aftenvard,

for a

women,

kicking them out, putting

— and sometimes

remember shaking with

Anouk Aimee

\n

liter-

fear hearing

my

head

hile hitting her o\'er the

I

felt

my

sorry for

father's

women, but

hard not to feel contempt for the one-night stands

and tr\ing

was impossible

for

to see

me

to

him

again.

I

was

chasing a like

man who was

obviously using

them, never mind love them

uide abusive

"Tomorrow

streak. "Don't

he'll just

A few of

these

it

who

was kept

his daughter, so

it

escape being emotionally entangled

with him. But these were free agents, adult

even

for his

pillou'.

Sometimes

calling

that

syndrome

womanizing became

cabs in the middle of the night

kicking them.

with a

me

eroticalK" charged. I'd see m\' father

he'd often be cruel to the

ally

tell

were always coming through our houses,

grew

and repellent

in

was

his erratic spurts of af-

my

his dates French-kissing

them

He would

m\

called

At the same time,

riveting

It

smelled something funny. Un-

I

needed him and hung on

I

—which he

and

though

short,

appear as a unit on the Hollywood so-

to

fection. If he resented

love

it

could never figure that out.

I

be androg)Tious.

to

cut

grew increasingly self-conscious.

I

Yet cial

like a boy.

he wanted

if

me

He'd always make

say.

you get

send you

them

actively

—who

—and uho had

it?" I'd

home with

women had

women,

want

to

didn't

a mile-

scream.

the maid.

staying power.

I

u as drau n

to

83

TATUM O'NEAL one of them

my

usual reasons, her glamour and sophistica-

my yearning for a

and

tion

for

surrogate mother. She would

experiment with her makeup and

One

night she got really high

did drugs

— and we

murmured,

wish

"I

that classic abuse

pounded

we

had

I

woman

a penis."

Maybe

it

father

w as

and

guilt,

—

I

saw the experience

the motherly glow

hadn't been stoned,

toda\-.

one more sign of

just

I

But

now

I

him

famous

was

still

for m\- father.

there

in

com-

as a kind of

was always look-

Im

sure that she

how wildly out

of control

it

was

my life with my

spinning.

son, another it

fear,

—and even back then —

up with Anjelica Huston, who was

her,

she

doubt that our en-

The whirlwind picked up speed when my

on

when

was caught up

I

counter would ha\e turned sexual, and deeply regrets

little

such a highly sexualized emironment.

feminine involvement the

on

kissed and held each other, she

s\ndrome of pleasure,

b\ living in

for. If

clothes.

father's circle

to react or feel, especially

For the most part, though,

ing

my

in

me

me.

know how

didn't

I

on her beautiful

started playing dress up, trying

nighties together. Then, as started fondling

try

—everyone

let

a

ladies'

living

father

hooked

with Jack Nichol-

man. Though Jack was cheating

major Holly^vood drama when she

Then, after Anjelica moved

was an even bigger

crisis

when Roman

legedly drugged and raped a thirteen-year-old

in

with us,

Polanksi girl

left

al-

at Jack's

house while he was out of town. Polanski was arrested and, faced w at the

ith jail

time or deportation, fled to

Paris.

So we were

center of that storm too.

Anjelica

became another one

of

my

role model/idols.

was the daughter of John Huston, one of HolMvood's

84

She

greatest

A

and an

directors,

Italian ballerina,

Enrica Soma,

car accident

when

trathin,

\\

dramatic smoky' eyes, and,

ish in a

maverick

She had

ith

several languages.

\\

ay

—

\\

to a

hat

I

draw

want

didn't

I

—someone who d and had

perfect!}'

died in a

rings

who had

to

be

look.

London and spoke

artist

my

amTnore.

self

idols, styl-

European

a

and poet. scrappy,

little, I

wanted

li\ed in castles in Ireland

her arms and great shoes and lived with Jack,

in

She was also a talented

So, of course,

my

like all

thought of as

French school

San Fernando \alley limited Anjelica

who

Anjelica was in her teens. Anjelica was ul-

gone

in fact

PAPER LIFE

to

be

and could

on her fingers and bracelets up all

sorts of

perfumes; and

whod

a romantic tragedy in her past,

was nicknamed Toots, and had

a

whole grown-up,

who

sophisti-

cated existence.

Drugs were ica

became

definitely

the official joint roller in our household because

she was the best at

were a ther. I

I

an element of that existence. Anjel-

lot of

it.

Conflict was also an element. There

screaming matches between Anjelica and

would hear him harassing

her, tearing

up her

my

fa-

diaries, as

cried myself to sleep.

Yet, as turbulent and frightening could be, he was the de\il mystery. L.A.

I

— not

knew.

My

good neighborhood

ples with salt Gar\',

eat,

my

father

mother was more of a

on Bolas Street

\isited her occasionally

a very

do and wear and even

She and

I

as life with

— and

obser\"ed

in

West

what she'd

weird countr\" combinations

like ap-

and cheese or salted grapefruit and watermelon. her husband,

\\"ho

was

a roofing contractor,

were

"

TATUM O'NEAL members

of an evangelistic religious sect. Griffin had to go to

Bible study classes at Pat Boone's house. Once, around the time of Paper

Moon,

I

got a serious blast of her religion

when

and beating the

me.

started speaking in tongues

hell out of

she

my mother was nothing like the fashionable, worldly, and independent women found so inspiring. Today I respect So

I

though I'm saddened by what she made

and deeply

love her,

of her

But back then,

life.

melodramatically in ing for a

kind of

when

woman

there

hoped

1

also a

up

site,

his

like the

I love her!

a bit

while wish-

Bianca-Cher-Anjelica

to be.

afraid of her.

little

was some new

crisis

One day

there were plenty.

job

God, how

mother who was more

was

1

was very confused, writing

1

my diary,

heard about her mainly

I

invoking her or Griffin

Griffin fell off his bike

—and

on Gary's

landing in the hospital because a stake went straight

rectum. That was

was

my mother's

left

her because of

However, the main problem

terrible.

alcoholism. She was constantly drunk it

—and poor

Griffin

was losing

— Gary

his

mind.

He would tape-record her when she was drunk. Once she caught him

at

jumped out

the

it

and chased him

window

knocking her wig half

to escape.

off,

over the house

She climbed out

kill

till

he

after him,

and went lunging down the

shouting, "Goddamnit, I'm gonna Griffin

all

street,

you, Griffin.

was becoming the neighborhood menace, spray

painting obscene words on the sidewalk and running hoses into people's mail slots, flooding their houses while they

out of town. ing

someone

still

He

once threw an ax over a fence, narrowly miss-

in a yard.

so small that he

hated hearing those with

86

mv

father.

were

He'd

had

steal

to

stories.

I

sit

my mothers

car

on phone books

was already

when he was to drive

living in a

it.

I

madhouse

— A PAPER LIFE

The last piece which

Dimensions, which a

Esme Gray (named

short story "For Feldstein,

who

Esme

another

to yet

of Beverly Hills kids at-

lot

made some new

I

for the character in

lived in Jack

J.

lifelong

D. Salinger's

we

all

my main

as-

Benny's old house, which

started reading a

I

sociation with that phase of

my fellow

was school,

—With Love and Squalor") and Andrea

thought was really cool.

all

life

switched

I'd

tended. Carrie was there, and friends,

my

crazy collage of

couldn't avoid forever.

I

New

place,

in the

my education

students and their parents

lot,

but

drugs. Everyone

is

—seemed

to

be getting

high.

grown up around drugs, of course, and always hated

I'd

seeing

ment to the

my

parents impaired.

myself. So one day

Now, though,

when

I

had a

wanted

I

to experi-

girlfriend o\'er,

— and asked,

most obvious source of drugs— my father

"Can we

try

He gave

some

was why people too long

I

liked

lit it

up

little

on

sitting

my bed.

hysterical with laughter.

smoking marijuana

a pretty

there

we

we were

my own

had

And becoming Then

grass?"

us a joint, and

a couple of tokes,

stash and

bad student

was a tragedy

—

it

—what

at school.

time, died in a Jeep accident on Laurel related.

That

father Partly

if I I

sort of put a

damper on

After

So that

was fun. Before

was smoking every

day.

a shock!

A

kid

named Brent

Weinberg, whose father had dated Elizabeth Taylor

my

turned

I

Canyon

that

at

one

was drug-

things for me. So

I

asked

could drop out of school.

just

wanted

out, but

I

could also very easily see

myself sliding in the same direction. To

my

relief,

he said yes.

87

EIGHT A

Bridge Too Far

I

MET Melanie Griffith

at

Hugh

wasn't exactly a place where teenagers

son

me

I

was there

along.

So

own

hung

age twelve was that

The scene bored me, and

eat candy,

up the

at

Hefner's house, which

I

my

out.

The only

father

used

had dragged

watch movies,

to

and play video games while he and

rea-

his pals chatted

ladies. it

age

was great

to

encounter someone

at least close to

— Melanie was eighteen—who was

with several movies to her credit. She,

Hollywood

family,

and was named

for

also

my

an actress,

me, came from

like

a

Melanie Daniels, the

character her mother, Tippi Hedren, played in the Alfred

Hitchcock

classic

The

Birds. For a

young

girl

lookout for mentors, she was magnetic. Yes,

coming Cher, Bianca,

more

exotic than

I

or Anjelica, but they

soon. Melanie belonged to

I

never had a

always on the

dreamed

of be-

were adults and

could imagine myself getting to be anytime

my own

next-door, incredibly sweet,

So she became an

I

ideal role

lot

generation and had a

girl-

and feminine brand of glamour.

model

of friends

— and

my own

better yet, a friend.

age,

and the few

I

did

have inhabited a different universe. They were kids, con-

sumed with

school and boys, not with making movies, doing

89

— TATUM O'NEAL and earning

publicity,

a

semipeer

Finding a

living.

who walked my walk and spoke my

Melanie,

language, was

stumbling on an oasis in the desert. She wrote

like

which was

wound up

me, so

rare for

Young dent

as she was,

I

ate

up.

it

And

she could drive.

Melanie had established an indepen-

in his twenties), at the age of fourteen.

that relationship in eclipse, she'd

been linked

most

Warren

eligible bachelors, including

and Harrison Ford.

volved with so

She seemed

to the

It

bothered

many men, but

like

played out only in

ward

I

clingy.

Don

having moved in with her rising-star boyfriend,

life,

Johnson (then

son,

lovely,

going with her to her auditions, growing close, and

becoming extremely

also

me

and was tremendously loving and kind

friendly notes

little

like

such a free

my mind

day when

I'd

at the spirit.

and

have

me

in

Beatty, Jack Nichol-

that Melanie

same time So

my

far

diary,

my own

With

Hollywood's

to

1

I

in-

admired

my own but

was

it.

crushes

looked

for-

passionate romances

with a string of brilliantly talented lovers. I

should have guessed that Melanie's string would include

mv father.

I

didn't quite catch on

until

we

all

went

to

Europe

gether, during what must have been some school vacation.

father

was making

A

Bridge Too Far, a World

Holland, with Richard Attenborough.

included

my

father,

his old friend Greg,

be around a

lot.

shoved a packet

90

at

War

II

to-

My

epic set in

We set off in a group that

Melanie, me, the ever-present Joe Amsler,

and "Gavin,"

a drug dealer

who seemed

Before going through customs,

me. "Here, Tatum,

my

to

father

stick this in your boot."

PAPER LIFE

A

Amsterdam, we toured the famous

In

where prostitutes posed half naked their wares.

One

to question

whether

night

this

—spectacle

upsetting

one seemed

we

was an inappropriate

No

off

one seemed

—possibly even

young adolescent. But then, no

for a

my

movie was making

windows, showing

in the

took in a sex show.

me

be thinking of

to

red-light district,

Something about the

at all.

and he was

father miserable,

self-

absorbed and angry.

me

However, what disturbed

seemed

distant, not interested in being with

was

lieved she

traveling with us as

to disappear for long stretches,

rejected. Desperate to

ing the truth

room.

ther's

feared

game.

I

1

my

I

friend,

know what was going on

unlocked the door,

betrayal.

I

I

my

me more

Nothing hurt

me and

felt

I

much

than being

was being taunted. Abandonment wasn't

of

my

That someone

life.

wasn't big on trust

like

that

—whom

1

left to

fend

trusted so

1

my best me out.

considered

my father over me just

freaked

I

Now,

proof that she'd never really cared about

my famous

heavyweight lover I

I

my father.

father with his she-can-come-in-but-you-can't

would choose

seemed

fa-

found exactly what

1

loved Melanie, absolutely adored her, even idolized her. this

be-

— and dread-

got a key to

having sex, with

in bed,

1

my companion. She started left me feeling painfully

could cope with either, having been

myself so

— and

me, though

which

did something intrusive.

huge

always

something

much

I

When

a

shut out by

for

—

— Melanie was was

It

even more was Melanie. She

father

—had been her

was so devastated that

I

couldn't see a thing to live for at

—one

target

felt

all

along.

ready to die,

all. I

went back

and stood by the window, imagining what jump. The ground below looked very

more Hollywood-

it

literally.

to

my room

would be

far away.

I

like to

Grabbing

a pil-

91

— TATUM O'NEAL low,

threw

I

watched

though,

fall,

it

window

out the

it

I

as sort of a trial run.

knew

couldn't jump.

I

As

I

was too

I

afraid.

Then

I

broke a glass and started slicing

heard that you could die by gory slashes, but

That

your wrists.

slitting

me

failure left

He

me

"Give

refused.

terical. Finally

bottles of liquor. I

your drugs,"

had

to rifle his

didn't feel too

1

So

headed

I

mined

to Gavin's

spree.

and

to die.

There was

I

I

I

decided

didn't have any,

I

went

demanded. avail,

growing almost hys-

minibar and

some

steal

little

good after downing them, but

still

When

I

I

was

effort into stopping I

was

my

was out of

father,

self-destructive

trying to get attention

serious too.

I

my

actions

truly deter-

no sign of Melanie or

was—but was I

my

room. In retrospect,

suppose they thought

probably

ted with blood, and

my mind

My arms were clotwith misery.

asked Gavin for drugs, he said okay and gave

some cocaine and

a handful of pills,

with booze from his minibar.

When came I

to,

I

was

in

bed

I

which

I

me

washed down

must have passed out then.

— not

in

my own,

but

in Gavin's.

was naked, and he was touching me. It

was

like

can't even

myself,

something inside

remember how

and made

from the hangover.

92

I

I

except for the fact that

farcical,

and no one put much

I

big

wasn't dead yet.

seem almost

I

made

I

even more depressed, and

kept begging to no

I

I

having

didn't bleed to death.

I

that pills might be the answer. Since to see Joe.

my arms,

at

pills

it

back

to

me just

got

I

shriveled

up

in horror.

away from Gavin, dressed

my own room

—

physically sick

and booze but suffering more with the psychic

When my father saw

the condition

I

was

in,

he went

"

PAPER LIFE

A

"You fucking

crazy.

idiot,

"

he shouted. "You're an embarrass-

ment. You're a fucking disgrace, Tatum. hate you,

"I

"

screamed back, cr\ing

I

Melanie,

selfishly co-opting tell

my

friend.

I

as

accused him of

I

was

too raw to

still

him what had happened with Ga\in. His response

jealousy was to

let

me

my

Melanie. Boundaries were never the strong suit in

Then he

He

got rid of us both.

dollars in cash

and

We checked

my

family.

gave Melanie a few thousand

told her to take

into

to

sleep in his bed that night, along with

me

to Paris.

the Plaza Athenee. Maria Schneider,

w ho had made Last Tango

in Paris with

Marlon Brando, was

room next

stasing with a male hairdresser in the

door.

They

had some drugs and were into wild partying, so we wound up hooking up with them.

One bed,

dizz\"

opium

we

night

that

all

smoked opium and hash.

I

sank into the

from the drugs, getting so nauseated from the I

leaned over the edge and threw up. WTien

m\' head, a \er\" confusing scene eyes. Melanie. Maria,

raised

was taking place before

my

and the guy were tangled up together.

As an added sordid touch, one

of the

— something was was —and

menstruating

I

enced myself

I

there

too

women was young

a lot of blood.

It

to

apparently

have experi-

was

surreal, be-

ing so high and embroiled in such a strange, blurry scenario, yet

I

had

a cool, objecti\e \oice

a tape loop, sa\ing

running through

"Tatum, where are

you"^

my head,

What

like

are these

people doing?

Then one

of

them reached out

for

me, drawing

me

into yet

93

TATUM O'NEAL another confusing erotic experience. Overwhelmed with conflicting

emotions,

The

didn't resist.

I

next day, Melanie and

at the Paris

home

went

I

to visit

Roman

jumping

he'd established after

United States. Neither of us acknowledged

and everyone was

might have been too had barely in

my

teens.

I

bail in the

how

crazy the

was mid-1970s, the height of the sexual

night had been. This revolution,

Polanski

I

into feverish experimentation.

been nineteen or twenty, but

I

I

was

hollowed out.

felt

Polanski tried to entertain us by screening In the

Realm of

the Senses, an X-rated Japanese film about erotic obsession,

ending

in castration

two young

girls.

—not

the movie

As vulnerable

Then we were

off to

as

London

I

I'd

have picked to show

was, that freaked

for a

me

out.

few days. At Blake's Ho-

tel, we bumped into Melanie's archrival, Anjelica Huston, who was still seriously involved, on and off, with my father.

She gave

me

a once-over.

My arms

have looked as shell-shocked as

happening

felt.

"Tatum, what the

I

must

hell

"

was

don't know.

It

turned out that, after London, Melanie was leaving for

can't

think I'm dying

I

.

.

."

all

could

I

appear in a film called The Garden.

Why

remember; Melanie probably

know where

dump me. We Melanie went

Not being

old

toured the

Somehow

I

I

didn't

Dead Sea and

off to her shoot, leaving

enough

creasingly miserable Finally

a

few other

me

say. Is-

tagged along

I

else to

sights,

then

alone in the hotel.

to navigate in a strange country,

and bored with each passing

decided to try to make

I

got in-

day.

my way back to

the States.

got a ticket, but the flight wasn't direct, and

couldn't figure out

what

to do. In a fog of panic,

I

I

wound up

transferring from plane to plane and, in between, sleeping

94

is

you? she asked.

to

"I

rael to I

I

were bandaged, and

on

— A

benches

in foreign airports.

that position to get

Imagining

makes my blood run

my

cold.

It

daughter, Emily, in

me

took

several days

home.

That was one of the rockiest experiences of

which and

saying a

is

considering what

lot,

totally alone in strange countries,

the language, as a terrified

little girl.

ment

me

I

felt

where, literally

has stuck with

go

I

I

The

I

life

—being

lost

couldn't speak

helpless abandon-

Im

syndrome

stress

some-

lost

—

I

get

fear.

whose

manv

looked for in so

love

and comfort

always a barometer of her ad-

speed she stayed

Now, picking me up

always craved and

I

mom.

substitutes: m\'

mother's weight was

On

where

my

reached Los Angeles, ready to collapse, and

called the person

dictions.

faced

I've

to this day. If

post-traumatic

into

locked in

Finally

My

PAPER LIFE

thin;

on booze she got heavy.

in her old station

wagon, with her wag on

her head and her constant cup of coffee in her hand, she

looked heavy.

I

was glad she was

off

speed and back on Jesus

again.

My

whole sad story started

over Melanie and outrage at lested by Gavin,

and

my

my

my

spilling out: m\' heartbreak

suicide attempt, the weird scene in Paris,

miserable solitary trek back from

mom to be strong,

to

be

my advocate

want the abuse and neglect hushed scattered and hysterical to stand

freaked out and called I

shock of being mo-

father, the

my

Israel.

and protect

up. But

up

for

I

wanted

me

—

I

my

didn't

my mother was

too

me. Instead she

grandmother.

could have predicted what happened. With typical

95

TATUM O'NEAL loyalty to

my

my grandmother

dad,

do anything wrong, she

didn't

"

turned on me. "Your father

said. "It

was you who created

this "

whole scene. You're

Of course

me

shocked

I

in love

hadn't

with Ryan. Did you sleep with him?

— my

father

would have blamed me, the once and

child.

That

grandmother

my

I

— but

it

grandmother

realization

was no one

for all that there

my mother or my

was not a pedophile

he had been,

to think that if

showed me

could count on

— not then and not

— not

ever.

my grandmother from reporting what I'd said to my father. When he got back, he wouldn't even speak to me. Gavin was exiled, though only temporarily, because my father believed that the abuse was at least partly my fault. But had to go on living with my father while being treated like a Denial didn't stop

I

whistleblower for telling the truth

—

for exposing the crazy,

drug-fueled, out-of-control decadence of our that

I

DID SEE Melanie again

out

lives.

To him,

was the ultimate transgression.

at a

vard.

Moroccan

after that trip.

restaurant,

My father and

I

were

Dar Maghreb, on Sunset Boule-

We were with a bunch of people,

on pillows on

all sitting

the floor.

Melanie was father

—

I

don't

in the group.

know what

enough to send her

She made some remark

she said

out in rage. As

I

—and he pushed her hard

always did

much

as

when my

silence.

Melanie had hurt me,

friendship so much, very sad.

went numb

1

father suddenly lashed

seeing her humiliated— and, because

96

my

flying.

There was a moment of stunned with horror, as

to

1

I

felt

sick at

missed her sweet

A

I

still

PAPER LIFE

can't entirely forgive her for not really loving

took advantage of

my tremendous

which could have been

affection

me. She

and admiration,

a youthful mistake, but

I

felt that

she

never properly apologized. Yet

I

do believe she loved

my

shamrock tattooed on her ankle

father.

I

think she even got a

in his honor.

It

must be an un-

comfortable reminder of crazy times that she was glad to put

behind

her.

91

NINE 9897 Beverly Grove Drive

Around the time

connected with Melanie,

I

another Hollnvood friend, Michael Jackson. the

Rox, the club

me, and he seemed at all

be.

I

He day

at

recall,

on the Sunset

Esme

I

On

his

Michael was

Strip.

— not

world-renowned performer

e.xpect a

know how

to

to drive a car.

number, and we started talking

— long drawn-out phone conversations

so boring that

at

sheltered and fearful and lonely

he didn't e\'en

me

gave

made

also

the time, about five years older than

\'ery

what you would

As

I

met him

Lou Adler and Jack Nicholson opened

upstairs from the Rox\'

around seventeen

I

that

e\'ery

sometimes got

would hand o\er the receiver

to

my

friend

Gray. Michael would just keep on, thinking he was talk-

ing to me. His usual subject didn't have

much

to say

on, pretty steadih', in

was

about sex

my

Of

sex.

—

father's

all

I

course, at twelve

knew was

that

it

I

went

room, which was next to

mine. But Michael was intensely curious about anything and everything sexual

— he was,

after

all,

a

teenage guy

— though

in

an incredibly sweet and innocent way.

He was

a

huge

dated and

knew

and asked

to

star,

little

come

but

about

it

seemed

life.

that he'd barely even

He once came

upstairs because he'd never

to

been

my

house

in a girl's

99

TATUM O'NEAL bedroom but

before.

was

it

people

ready for a

on

sat

my bed, and we kissed very briefly, all my passionate crushes on

awkward. For

Dustin Hoffman,

like

who was

was.

I

was

I

encounter. So

real-life

Michael,

dated as

He

terribly

at all

said, "I can't."

I

sweating profusely,

He jumped up

and not

just twelve

seemed

as intimi-

"Uh

nervously and said,

.

.

.

gotta go."

That's the closest

amazed by

I

ever got to Michael

his recent claim,

on national

duced him but he was too shy adored Michael

—

as a friend

to carry

—and

My Life," on

song "She's Out of

What an

my

pealing and gross.

seduce him

—and

even

dream

seeing

it's

—

father to

—gave him

it

me.

far

was unapI'd

Hugh

happen.

at the

to concerts.

Forum

in L.A.,

androgyny now.

I

remember

which

He came

is

with

Hefner's mansion, where

in-

me

I

think

— monkeys and peacocks and other

exotic

the idea for Neverland. Michael

my brother

with us and had set up his

played the piano, guitar,

drum

was

and drums

Griffin,

kit in

like a

my

would hang

who was now

the guest

room

at

musical savant; he

beautifully.

play drums, and outside on the deck, ing to the rhythm.

was

I

Michael's fantasy that

was go

the Barrymore house. Griffin

100

I

he wrote the

the Wall, for

seen of sex so

just didn't

out and jam sometimes with living

I'd

did do together

Hefner's menagerie birds

absolutely

a little sad that he cast himself as failing,

but

Queen with Michael

my

I

to this day.

told that

album Ojf

may have been

It

teresting, considering his

and

why I was

supposed seduction, however,

barely pubescent, and what

What we

admire him

I

is

honor.

At the time of

in his

his

through.

it

me. I'm

believe that he fell in love with

—which

television, that I'd se-

father

Michael would

would be box-

A

my

Unfortunately,

friendship with Michael

PAPER LIFE

came

an

to

abrupt ending. He'd played the Scarecrow in The Wiz, the ur-

ban remake of The Wizard of Oz, which starred Diana Ross as

New York premiere, Michael invited me to be his date. asked my dad, who didn't care one way or another if went, but my talent agency was dead set against Dorothy. For the

film's I

I

I

was

it.

told, in exactly these

words: "You can't go to a premiere

with a nigger."

Hollywood!

That upset

had

me

tremendously.

the parental support

I

insisted

help

me

son,

I

"Oh

yes,

think

it

could have stood

I

my

father

—

my ground

or

and

was too disengaged

to

through. So, without telling Michael the rea-

devastated. After that Michael didn't speak to

for years, until

I

ran into

York. For old times' sake,

and the Gang costume

on beard

—

at

Helmsley Palace

at the

we caught

event—coming in

in

me

New

a concert together, Kool in

blackface, with a pasted-

the whole nine yards. But things were never the us.

Griffin had moved

my

him

Madison Square Garden. Michael dressed

for the

same between

with

been old enough

I

turned him down.

He was

full

—

can." But

I

Had

Barrymore house because

life

mother had gotten unbearable. His acting out had

es-

into the

calated to the point of arrests for possession of stolen goods

and replica guns. in total rage,

anymore. frying

pan

One

day he just

and called

Little did

into the

to tell

lost

my

it,

kicking his

bunk bed

father he couldn't take

it

he know that he was jumping out of the

fire.

101

"

TATUM O'NEAL Griffin always believed that

I

was the lucky one

— the one

with a career and money, the one with a glamorous Hollywood the one

life,

us,

my

my

to live

with

on that simmering resentment by con-

father played

stantly pitting us against

and Carrie and so many

each other, just as he had with

others.

making us run with him

—

He

was

like a

mad jock,

me

always

or worse, box. He'd go ding, ding,

and then we were supposed

won

Once he came

father preferred.

to

box each other

until

one of us

the "match.

Since Griffin stayed small into his early teens, he often

came out on

the losing end of our competitions. His slight

frame also made him an easy target

Sometimes my

father

would

for

my

father's bullying.

would

get so angry that he

just

pick Griffin up and toss him into the pool. That always struck

me my

and almost

as terribly degrading

dad did plenty of I

bad as

him, cutting off his freedom. job to take care of us.

It

as he

fumed

when we were mouth

so

He

felt

just too

One

much,

put upon, like

made him angry and he

He'd storm around, with

mouth

hitting,

which

too.

think he must have hated being a parent.

bad enough, but the two of us were

his

as

''

spit collecting at the

at us. Griffin started

it

let

child

was

strangling

wasn't his

us

know

it.

edges of his

mocking him (only

alone, of course) by squirting toothpaste into

it

would foam out the

angry-dad-like voice, "Where's

my

sides as he growled, in a

paper?"

It

was

hilarious,

but also sad.

At one point us.

She used

tains.

my dad

to take us

One day

she

hired a weird babysitter to look after

on crazy

came up with

drives in the

a

more

Malibu moun-

creative

way

to enter-

tain Griffin and one of his friends. She shaved off her pubic

102

— A

while Griffin and his friend watched, and then attempted

hair,

to

PAPER LIFE

have sex with them.

The

home

friend went

ents,

who

Even

so,

totally

called the police.

my dad

traumatized and told his par-

The

to prison.

laughed off the whole ordeal and, taking his

cue, so did Griffin. There was no

knowledge

went

babysitter

his feelings

about

this

room

for

my

brother to ac-

experience or any other

not even to himself.

However, the real drugs.

My

whole family seems predisposed

to addiction,

and

smoking pot furiously from the moment he

Griffin started

moved

nightmare for Griffin centered on

Barrymore house.

into the

My

would get high

father

with us, and then there d be ugly scenes. For example, we'd set out in the say,

"Where the

hell are

we

he'd

directions,

shout,

around. You better figure us.

Our

happen

lives

it

if

and

"I'm

my

father

would

two stoned teenagers

When we

could keep anything straight. the

car,

going?" as

couldn't

remember

fucking turning this car

out!" or else he'd haul off

and

hit

took on an increasingly frenzied anything-can-

quality.

made me

when my

father started dis-

patching Griffin to buy his drugs. Though

we were underage

It

wildly anxious

my little BMW that Griffin would use for his drug missions. One night the police caught him and escorted him back to the house. He was only around thirteen. My outraged father demanded, "How

we both

drove,

and

I

even owned a

dare you bring the cops

home?

car. It

was

'

103

TATUM O'NEAL Charges were

somehow my

but

filed,

father

managed

to

wTiggle Griffin out of them. This was Hollywood in the 1970s, a time

when stardom

among people

entitlement

were

above the law

that Griffin

really

—and

my father,

like it

was

a conviction that they

At times

true.

1

almost wished

get busted, not so that he'd get in trouble but

would

some responsible

so that

counted. There was a huge sense of

party

would

way we

investigate the

were living and intervene. There was no parental perimeter, no one

who seemed his

sense of

was

a relief

be losing

So

it

be watching

to

tional Velvet,

when

1

was

my

The movie was

made

really

father

seemed

overwhelming

cast in a

which would be shot

an ocean away from

classic that

was

reality. It

my

and

us,

new

for

to

me.

movie. Interna-

England, a continent and

in

father.

the sequel to National Velvet, the 1944

Elizabeth Taylor a star at the age of twelve.

I

played Sarah, grown-up Velvet's niece, an orphan determined to

win an Olympic gold medal

how

to learn

to ride,

back together with every day for

natural. easily to

1

me. And

—

Then

exciting. Anjelica, dri\'e

was

much

at the

before, but as

time

it

who was

out to the Valley

it

turned out,

was a godsend, house

to get out of the

off to

guardian.

I'd

begged to bring

my

it

a

came

a great healthy

—both

in

which

of

England

whom

friend

as long as she

a great director,

was

1

I

and fun.

Pinewood Studios

and her mother agreed, mo\ae had

had

the way.

as well as being satisfying 1

I

got lost quite often, since she

months, again with Diane Lewis,

104

me

So

riding.

loved animals and was athletic enough that

and reason

needed

We

lessons.

hadn't ridden

outlet

which was

horseback

my father, would

smoked pot on

usually I

my

for

I

Esme went

for four

loved, as

my

as

my

stand-in,

to school.

The

Bryan Forbes, whose wife, Nanette

PAPER LIFE

A

Newman, would

Aunt

play Sarahs

and

\elvet,

a fine cast in-

cluding Anthony Hopkins as her riding trainer and Christo-

pher Plummer as Veket's bov'friend. I'd

much fun making

ne\er had so

like a big, loving, playful

Plummer, who was to the

1

mous

all

family.

funny and used

really

pub with him

cause he had

Cockney

a movie.

the time.

adored Christopher

I

to take

Anthony

Sober?

just gotten sober.

continued m\ riding lessons

What

Esme and me

couldn't drink bedid that

mean?

England with some

in

who

Richard Mead,

trainers, including

The crew was

fa-

rode with the

Steinkraus, one of the fore-

queen and Princess Anne, and

Bill

most equestrians

They were extremely encourag-

ing and urged

was

in the world.

me

Sometimes

over.

up riding seriously

to take 1

wish

after the

movie

had, instead of slipping into less

I

wholesome grown-up indulgences. They thought

1

could have

a major equestrian career.

We cashire,

got to travel

and Devon,

all

over Britain

and

I

got

some

cluding a pair of thigh-high boots that fantasticallv mature.

of

them given by

1970s London,

I

We

my phone It

a

went

who was

older man.

He was one

which was being shot on I'd

recently gotten

woman, timacy,

my

to

\elvet that

of the

seduced him.

It

made me

me

look

At one

a great couple in

we 1

me

for

never connected.

lost

my virginity to

stuntmen on Superman,

period and

shocks

blast

clothes, in-

also at the partv', asked

Pinewood Studios.

felt that

so with a combination of curiosit}' I

had a

Lan-

"mandrax," a kind of

a different lot at

first

new

believed

a thrill, but

was during International

much

I

who were

was turned on

number, which was

stviish

I

to sophisticated parties.

the Ronsons,

downer. Keith Moon,

to Leicestershire,

London. Esme and

as well as

driving Mini-Coopers,

—

I

was

finally a

and longing

to look at

my

for in-

daughter

105

TATUM O'NEAL and remember that

now

—and

at the

my world was

that

bly imagine that

was ready

I

The stuntman and had 1

the

lot. It

get

him

I

was

I

to

come

I

to

still

as small as she

so "adultized" that

to

have a

my hotel,

but

it

lover.

didn't,

I

I

felt

tried to

1

was

relieved.

was blooming while making International

learning to feel liked and even liking myself a

able as

rooms on

hurt. After that,

when he

was one of the brightest spots of

I

always

knew

Vel-

little bit. It

my adolescence. As

on the movie, though,

is

could possi-

I

sex in one of the changing

wasn't very romantic and

FELT THAT

vet,

time

comfort-

that

had

I

to

go home. That shook me.

What had

gotten

me

through

bravado shield. Attitude

—even

sometimes accused of

in

against the chaos teens,

I'd

I

lived

who

I

was and what

my

press

been through so much

My faith paired

the bratty behavior

the

in

I

I

was a

to that point

—was

my

that

my

shield

had started

was doing

was

I

protection

with every day. However, by

cracks and broken places, and of

up

life

my

was

to lose

early

full

my

of

sense

in the world.

myself had been so badly damaged that

it

im-

acting in International Velvet. Instead of relying on

my innate abilities and playing Sarah as Tatum, the raw girlwoman I was, tried to become a different person. adopted a self-conscious "Hello, Mummy, hello, Father" English-y sort try to watch the movie of voice that makes me squirm when really pick today. The critics didn't up on it the New York think but Times called me "a unique, superlative actress my unnatural performance is part of the reason the movie 1

1

I

—

'

wasn't

106

all

that successful.

It

didn't have

enough

—

heart.

I

A

The whole time we were shooting

my essence, my

that

me, and I

would

life

I'm afraid that fly into

force,

and

rages

and

behavior,

I

a soul-killing shot.

rocky

when my

father

the fuck are

My father was

livid

my

showed up with

tirade "I

was already

Griffin for a

visit.

"

because

neglected to welcome him

I'd I

had no idea that he'd be

was supposed

I

man-

I

flowers?

with flowers in his hotel room. pecting some or that

I

wasn't

I

Esme and

feel lucky that

movie was,

it

my

her, just as

So, as positive an experience as the little

to

have arranged

it.

ex-

The

went on and on.

made

you, Tatum, and look at what you are. You're noth-

ing but a fucking piece of shit, the

For the entire duration of his

drama

ing me, creating one

sensed that

I

way you

visit,

stretching new

I

got greener

tendrils toward

would grow away from him

cessful than he

was

—and he if

—

.

It

was

as

movie, watered

this

life

and

if

he

like a

career,

—maybe even grow more couldn't stand

new

necessary to keep

a

." .

father kept attack-

an independent

International Velvet was tremendous fanfare

me

and healthier and started

savage me, shear away any delicate

out by the roots

my

treat

after another.

was being nurtured on

parched plant. As

me

mock

to this day.

to get past

"Where

I

discomfort on Esme.

and remain friends

aged

a

my

That frustrated

could zero in on someone's most

I

and deliver

sensitive, sorest points

my

acutely aware

felt

1

dissipating.

her or

yell at

father did to me. Like him,

proud of

was

took out

1

it,

PAPER LIFE

it.

shoots,

me

suc-

So he had

and even

to rip

in his sway.

released in June 1978 with

Kennedy Center

gala

and

also a royal

107

TATUM O'NEAL premiere, where

met Queen

I

Elizabeth, Princess Margaret,

and Prince Andrew. From the outside,

charmed

ing a

My

darkness.

among

father

came

other people, Gavin

seemed

to

because

I

me

was

my

banishment was now back

my

that

—

a

father

driving.

It

was

bad one,

as

1

was not

pretty hair-raising

spokesmodel

my

—

his

I

It

—

I

really surprised.

—

we should go

that

my

that

I

had

father

had

do

to

a big

all

the

was only fourteen, and the

cliff.

The

air in

could hardly see. But

father

in the picture.

South of France.

and were so stoned

smoke

In France

bringing,

trip to the

turned out

it

road ran along the edge of a steep thick with pot

lead-

had simply dismissed the abuse

by car and see the countryside. Gavin and stash of marijuana

was

I

London premiere,

to the

wasn't worth defending.

idea

like

— the man who molested me, who

Afterward, the three of us took a It

looked

but behind the glittering facade lay crazy

life,

after just a brief

it

hooked up with

was so

it.

French perfume

a

primary reason for the

the car

we made

trip

— leaving me

to

hang out with Gavin. That was creepy, even though Gavin

seemed sheepish and again.

my

tried to

Not knowing how

else to play

father didn't care about

down

to protest.

my

At that point,

with his casual brutality, than I

sarong, looking

an encounter with

back

his

fist

I

I

punch. In the

final

himself with

went

I

and

was more

I

was too beaten

my

afraid of

me.

I

father,

was of Gavin. trip, five

relationship. I'm

father, all

me

along. Clearly

linked images,

on the beach

gawky and sad and broken. Then

my

to slug

it,

feelings,

have a photo series from that

which encapsulates our little

ingratiate

menacing and

big,

who

in

my

there's

cocks

shrink away before he throws the

frames, he's leaning back, with his arms

folded across his chest and his whole

demeanor

radiating

smugness and contempt. He's obviously pleased with himself

108

PAPER LIFE

A

for his intimidating

show

me. He's the king of the

of force, for asserting his

and proud of

castle

As devastated and diminished sional front for the press.

over old clips.

as

me

amazes

It

The Washington

felt,

I

it.

kept up a profes-

I

to see that, looking

Post called

me

"the picture of

you were talking

sophistication," claiming, "You'd think

thirty-four-year-old." Always, in those interviews,

my

father

ther

He

is

— the

classic

actually very mature.

them now.

trying to relive

same person. "Being

to

.

I

am,

had

I've

to take

I

"My

isn't.

fa.

wrong with

view were overwhelming. house; taking care of

—

like

I'd

on a

lot

of responsibili-

my

I

said, "This is

I'd

hinted at in the inter-

was more or

less

grandma, who was

ill

who was

worrying about Griff,

running the

(and addicted

more

getting

bought her a

car, a

Chevy

Blazer,

and

my

house.

later a

was Nurse Tatum, the caretaker. Angelica seemed to be out of the picture now, and

was a

the

know he needs me.

deeply involved with drugs; and financially supporting

I

.

this picture?"

in L.A., the responsibilities

mother.

.

years, so he's

equals

no one ever stepped back and

a kid talking. What's

to Percodan);

young

like

to a

defended

saying,

acts like he

of his

We're

I

be older."

bizarre that

It's

all

feel like I'm his support.

I

who

had

ties. I've

.

.

—even

know he

I

he missed out on

feels like

Back

abuse syndrome

power over

seriously womanizing.

He and Diana

my father

Ross were slated

to

do

movie together called The Bodyguard (which was canceled

and

later

the stars).

made with Kevin Costner and Whitney Houston They began having an

affair,

and once

again,

I

as

found

109

TATUM O'NEAL my

myself in the role of

Diana would

lie

and say

called

that he

hi,"

very sweet voice. "Is your daddy home?"

say, in a

Whenever she

"Tatum,

father's call screener.

was

—which was often— That made

out.

me

I

was supposed

to

because

feel terrible

she seemed so nice. She wasn't hanging around the house, so didn't actually

with

meet her

my father to

The

film

until the late

the set of

was

my next

a forerunner of

1970s,

when

1

came

she

movie, Little Darlings.

what would become an

entire

genre of teenage losing-your- virginity comedies. But unlike

most of those, which were male-oriented. tered on

girls.

Kristy

McNichol

(as

Little Darlings

Angel Bright) and

cen-

(Ferris

1

Whitney) played two fifteen-year-olds from opposite sides of the tracks

see

who meet

who can

summer camp and

at

lose her virginity

stage a contest to

Ferris, the child of pri\dlege,

first.

goes after an older counselor (Armand Assante) and Angel, the

tough street-wise

Though

had

the movae

pect, like food fights,

about

sets her sights

girl,

falling in love

all

also

it

was a poignant coming-of-age

Bears,

story

to yourself.

most of the other kids

in the

were trained actors from the East Coast (including Cyn-

cast

thia Nixon, with

starred I

the screwball antics you might ex-

and being true

As on The Bad News

on the young Matt Dillon.

whom

on Sex and the

didn't especially

I

reconnected years

City).

Though

later

when

the shoot itself

1

guest-

was fun,

cHck with anyone. Kristy McNichol and

I

never had any real chemistry, and while Matt Dillon was nice,

he seemed young, though he was born just a few months after

me. Since we were dercurrents cast

—

that

all

—cliques

I

found

teenagers, there were a

stressful.

110

were shooting

of social un-

and jealousies rippling through the

my room and smoking a

We

lot

in

lot

So

I

kept to myself, holing up in

of marijuana.

Madison, Georgia, a lovely southern

A PAPER LIFE town where there wasn't much the set

were

in love

with

She was

a highlight.

my

So Diana Ross's

queen

like a

She even wanted

father.

claimed that he didn't

to do.

like

visits to

—and very much He

marry him.

to

her because she would never

him see her without makeup. He

let

and

cruelly mistreated her,

eventually they split up.

At one point, 1

my dad

met up with them

brought Griffin

in Atlanta,

on Eric Clapton, who was also

where in

Eric, with cocaine as the prize.

Clapton

my anxieties

up

town. Griffin shot pool with

By then

rescue me, spiriting

Griffin

my

me away

to say anything,

my little

about

brother.

love, Eric

from

my

had started

some drugs from

dad, and he stole

myself in fantasies that

visit.

developed a big crush

was too decent a guy

too. Eric

the theft fired to lose

my

from

stealing coke

I

Georgia for a

to

but

started

I

Clapton, would

crazy self-destructive,

ready-to-implode family. It

too

my

wasn't long before

was

I

stealing drugs

—mostly Quaaludes and Valium, which friends.

Back

in L.A., late

I

my

from

dad

would share with

one night, a friend and

I

got so

my my overcoat. My father was question my going back out, despite

high that she drove the wrong way on Sunset Boulevard to house, where

I

stopped in to get

partying and didn't even the hour and

my obviously

Then we stopped remember how

it

at the

to pick

state.

up two other

happened, but one

badly on some glass.

room

impaired

crack of

We

had

dawn

girl

pals.

to take her to the

— four young

I

can

t

even

slashed her hand

girls,

emergency

with no adults

around, stoned out of our minds on our parents' drugs.

That scared me.

It

was

like

an omen.

We

were

living so

close to the knife's edge of danger that something had to give.

And

pretty soon,

it

did.

Ill

TEN Circle of

One

"Come on up

My

father

to Big Sur."

had gone with Griffin

to his vacation house, a

place where he was always planning to cultivate marijuana.

Joe Amsler was living there as a caretaker. ing,

but saying no was never an option

I

didn't feel like go-

when my

sum-

father

moned. Alone

in L.A., I'd

been running with an

older,

somewhat

rowdier crowd, including Mackenzie Phillips. Mackenzie was a regular

her

on the sitcom One Day

was

life

also heavily into coke.

hanging out with Carrie

at

day visiting a drug dealer a wreck. I'd

I

my

in

And

hadn't slept.

get to Big Sur, since

I

I

let

me

have

it,

I

rie lost

had been up

all

Malibu with Mackenzie. So

night,

I

then there was the matter of

"

my

was

how

father said.

never questioning whether Carrie,

had bought

driver's license yet. It

her.

who

was the red

Since California didn't have

seat belt laws then, neither of us put

We

I

at that point in

wasn't old enough to drive.

brought with me, had her

Chevy Blazer

Time and

dad's house, and then spent the

"Just take your mother's car,

She

at a

them

on.

got as far as the Ventura Freeway, then suddenly Car-

control of the car.

We

crashed into the guardrail, the

113

TATUM O'NEAL behind us flipped, and both of us flew out, into the mid-

seats

dle of speeding traffic.

up

my

I

was wearing

bare legs.

we

a miracle that

didn't get hit.

were ripped away as she skidded on the

Carrie's clothes

pavement.

was

It

shorts,

and

as

I

slid,

the asphalt tore

blacked out, and the next thing

I

someone was standing over me. Barely conscious, know,

"Is

begged

to

"

my friend

okay?

passed out again and was roused by a cop, asking, "Miss,

I

can you hear me?

My face that

I

knew,

1

it

see?"

was so nicked up

had a head

I

where

Can you

ther Carrie nor

I

The cops rushed us

injury.

was determined

that

was convinced

that I'm sure he

to the hospital,

and that

didn't, amazingly,

I

had broken bones. Another miracle.

Carrie was scraped and red

over,

all

but

1

had serious

and fourth-degree roadburns, embedded with

third-

The emergency room

staff called

us to the hospital.

my

forbid!

nei-

If

my

children had a car accident

— nothing could keep

me

gravel.

father about admitting

away. But

my

—God

father didn't

come. Instead he made the weird choice of calling a limo

ser-

vice to continue our trip to Big Sur. It

was

a three-hour drive.

shock and our hair started ther set that

I

up Carrie on the

come and

furious.

I

On

falling out.

way we both went

My life

into

When we arrived, my fa-

floor in a pile of blankets

sleep in his bed.

didn't care.

the

When

I

refused,

and insisted it

was already shattered.

made him I

slept

on

the floor with Carrie.

My

dad grew even madder

getting septic

and

I

as

I

rie at

114

me

all

My

legs

were

couldn't walk. Unable to ignore such living

proof of his bad judgment, he had to

punishing

got sicker.

the

way with

fly

icy silence.

with us back to L.A.,

He dropped

off Car-

her mom's, but he had no intention of getting stuck with

"

PAPER LIFE

A

He

me.

didn't

that he'd

want

to take

been wrong

me

to dismiss

my injuries

me alone at home. So my agent, Sue Mengers.

couldn't leave

of

—acknowledging —and he obviously

to the hospital

he drove

me

That was one of the bleakest moments of I

had never

felt

to the

my

deny

would

me

the care and compassion that any

instinctively grant to another

understanding. All

—

cruelty

that

I

could think was that

I

I

a

my

my

deserved his

I

either.

who

lived

A babysitter?

I

She

and

could imagine her

surprise arrival was: "Hello! What's this?

nanny?

fa-

was a disposable human being.

breathed deal making. The only reaction

I,

I

being

was simply beyond

wasn't inhumane, but she was a tough battle-ax

am

life.

my own

human

Sue Mengers wasn't exactly the mothering type

having to

short

so worthless, so unloved, even hated. That

could be badly hurt and in terrible pain and have ther

home

What

can't put this in a movie!

But Sue was kind to me, and she had the decency to take

me

to the hospital.

One

ground-in asphalt, and

of I

my

was completely black with

legs

was feverish and

shivering, turning

weird colors. They instantly admitted me, and for the next weeks, gravel

my

legs

and cement and

they finally got legs,

were treated with hot salves

draw out the

to debride the destroyed tissue.

down deep enough,

using tissue from

to

my

butt.

six

When my

they did skin grafts on

was

It

a miserably painful

experience.

Carrie was briefly hospitalized hall

from me. Though

too, right

down

the

her injuries were less severe than mine,

she was screaming and carrying on.

I

couldn't take

it

because

115

— TATUM O'NEAL I

was trying

really

was facing skin

hard to be

grafts.

We

—and

it

I

—

I'm sure she

had a

I

I

showed up once, carrying

a

what

tion that I'd gotten

I

per-

My

grandmother took the posi-

deserved for calling attention to

my

he too came just once, with his

in tow.

I

mother

bowl of gardenias. She wasn't ca-

lack of parental supervision and embarrassing father,

My

was completely alone.

pable of comfort or support.

conquest

I

of guilt

resented Carrie was that she had a caring

mother by her side, while

my

lot

shattered our friendship.

Another reason

for

maimed and

felt

fought bitterly about what

ceived as her self-indulgence too

though

stoic,

my As

family.

female

latest

passed the time smoking pot that had been

prescribed for Larry Flynt, wondering whether

my

parents

were coming back. They weren't.

My

friend from

The Bad News

came shambling

in,

Walter Matthau.

Bears,

with that kooky expression on his face, an

armful of flowers, and a mouthful of wisecracks,

As

I

my dear When he

only loving visitor in those terrible weeks was

sank deeper into depression, though,

would

ing that people

visit

me.

I

my

kept nagging in suck, Tatum!

"

—with

the hospital to

visit.

I

I'd

felt like

head, mixing

my

think

cried.

I

stopped wish-

was ashamed of the

dent, internalizing the notion that

and deserved what happened.

I

I

my

brought

it

acci-

on myself

the bad seed. Voices father's

words

—"You

own: "You're not worth coming to

You weren't even worth picking

off the

highway. ..."

By then the night

when

I'd

when

I'd slit

my

already attempted suicide I

more than once

was molested by Gavin and another time

wrists with a razor, only to have

my

father

tell

me: "You cut them the wrong way, Tatum."

The accident convinced me

116

that

mv dad wanted me

to die,

A

if

PAPER LIFE

only so he could play the grieving martyr father.

filled

and

with self-loathing that

kept trying, going on to take

I

consumed with

lay in the hospital,

I

me

spark began glowing inside of pinpoint of light from God.

How

—

began

I

Did son

I

to

question

like a California

my still

on earth? Did

tieth

—not chances —

nal,

divine spark, but

chances

just

than

I've

wished.

I

I

was

Why

And

didn't I?

face be intact?

Was

have some task to

kept asking

I've

there a reafulfill,

why because

some

I've

had

second or third but tenth, even twen-

my

inter-

at times,

more

Despair has extinguished

to survive.

faintly

my

brain and even

purpose? Over the years, extra

why

freeway? Didn't 99 per-

have some kind of guardian angel?

I

was

despair, a tiny

a spiritual spark, like a

cent of the people that happened to die?

could

pills

could anyone survive being thrown from a car on a

major thoroughfare,

how

was so

myself with knives.

to cut

Yet as

alive.

I

it's

It's

flared

taken

up again

me

—

decades

to fan

it

into a

steady flame.

One immediate spiritual

positive result of

awakening was that

drugs, including pot, and

few

I

vowed

I

that

moment

to stay off alcohol

of

and

stuck to that promise for the next

years.

Adjusting to my injuries would prove harder, however. When finally left the hospital, was temporarily reliefed out to my grandmother, whose attitude toward me unfortunately hadn't softened. They took the bandages off my legs, exposing huge, raw-looking scars, and she coldly dismissed my alarm at I

I

being so damaged. Most teenagers are painfully self-conscious

117

— TATUM O'NEAL about their bodies, but for a fifteen-year-old

where nothing matters was traumatic.

Even when

I

girl in

as beauty

monstrous, and

felt

I

much

as

was well enough

1

move back home,

my

my

noy

So

father,

had

I

to

was

It

and before

The

it,

there was no

to an-

more nurse.

consequences of the accident. Needless

improve

my

director

to say,

morale.

at this point that

"You could do

said,

knew

1

few hours seemed

in for a

some

a nurse. For

change the dressings myself and constantly con-

front the ugly this did not

come

still

I

legs in saline solution

and changing the dressings, with the help of reason, having a nurse

disfigured

blamed myself.

to

had to endure the ritual of bathing

Hollywood

—being

my father threw a

script at

me and

this piece of shit movie."

was Jules Dassin, famous

for

Night and the

City and Never on Sunday (starring his wife, Melina Mercouri),

who had been

Two was

blacklist. Circle of

(Richard Burton),

forced to

who

is

love with sists.

him and

blocked but

Even

so,

tries to

the

McCarthy

the story of an artist in his sixties

becoming involved with

ter

move abroad by

starts to paint again af-

a teenage

girl

(me). She

falls in

seduce him, but he heroically

her parents forbid

him

re-

to see her, leaving her

devastated.

The premise

of the movie was a

creepy, but the worst part for

me was

agonizing to watch

—

scene.

It's

robing

for the artist in his studio.

little

having to do a seminude

awkward young

this

—

at least

it's

obvious to

miserably aware of legs

118

(1

my

me

girl dis-

Even from the back, my

body language shows that they'd forced off

pedophilic and

—and

me

to take

shirt

that I'm standing there

half-developed breasts and

appear only from the hips up).

my

I

my

scarred

got through the scene,

— "

PAPER LIFE

A

but

a

it's

measure of how unprotected

my agents

a parent, not even

was

I

—objected

to

that

my

no one

— not

being so frankly

exploited.

Even when the movie.

1

some weight, tificial is

so

my

had

I

was

clothes on,

look different, and

I

because I'm just not present

missing.

The

my

Still,

used

w hich

is

He was

I

1

felt

at

ill

my voice

ease making

more acute

weary, as

if

1

were

a

gained

I'd

sounds a

—my essence

bit ar-

as an actress

me on

had plagued

after the accident, as

psyche had been as shredded as m\-

midteens but

He

felt

feeling of emptiness that

International Velvet grew far if

1

limping from the accident.

still

legs.

was

I

hundred years

in

my

old.

did enjoy working with the legendary Richard Burton.

he was Dante and

to say that

m}- middle

name

—and

call

me

his Beatrice

a "divine enchanting creature.

a lot of fun.

Richard was under doctor's orders not

to drink,

but

e\i-

dently the rule didn't apply to beer and wine, which he drank freely.

On

the side,

of hard liquor,

he was drunk,

we

which often made him I

ture" but "the

was no longer

he was sneaking shots a bit lecherous.

just a "di\ine

He

"Oh Tatum, come

d beg,

you dixane enchanting

but

little

sit

on

cunt

my

1

lap,

creature.

little

didn't, of course,

W^hen

enchanting crea-

most dinne enchanting fucking

have ever seen.

I

later discovered,

I

loved

him and learned

a lot

from

working with him.

We

were filming

did a tiny

cameo

in Toronto.

in the

mo\ie

My

father

came

to visit (and

as a theater patron), along with

119

TATUM O'NEAL his entourage.

uncle Kevin, lives.

"Hey,

It

had

isn't

a celebrity sighting that

that

"

I

asked

my

who

the

TV

my

uncle.

my

world of the early 1960s.

wasn't going back to L.A. for a while,

father to take care of Farrah.

When flew home picked me up at the

Bad move! He asked the wrong person. after finishing Circle of airport. Farrah

120

my

and they wound up hanging out with

who knew Lee from

At one point Lee, asked

Lee Majors?

lobby with

would change our

there with his Charlie's Angels wife, Farrah Fawcett.

started chatting,

father,

in the hotel

was indeed Lee Majors, TV's Six Million Dollar Man,

who was

We

I

One day when I was

was

Two,

in the car.

my

father

I

ELEVEN A

Certain Fury

—

Then

her early

in

beauty

thirties,

Farrah was at the height of her

— an ail-American, white-bread, unsmoldering kind of

beauty that

could admire but didn't relate to at

I

opposite of the exotic sophisticates

Anjelicas—whom

my

—

all.

She was the

the Ursulas, Biancas,

father usually

fell

for

and

and who so im-

pressed me.

my

She and

father

had quickly become inseparable.

was always going "up the Valley that she

When

running

a Farrah gauntlet.

at the

superdiet tea Griffin

— the perfect

and

her divorce.

literally

we

every single

was profoundly intimidating,

The two

of

them spent whole

I

cliche of the movie-star

were used but

—behind

now a

to playing

it

seemed

woman and

second fiddle

that

It

122

and

—

sixteen, respectively

to

my

fa-

we were running

a house.

living

their

life.

Then my

picked up and moved in with Farrah, leaving Griffin and at fifteen

called

house exercising and sauna-ing, drinking

ther's girlfriends,

distant third

her. It

in

through what

to pass

where she had hung

magazine cover featuring

days up

mansion overlooking the

the

would wrest from Lee Majors

you entered, you'd have

the Hall of Farrah,

like

hill" to

He

a

father

me

on our own.

wasn't long before he put the Barrymore house up for

"

PAPER LIFE

A

Stuck

sale.

Big Sur.

It

at the

was

beach, Griffin and

our days

like

Instead

little

found an apartment not

I

could enroll

at

to

ranch, scheming about run-

at the

ning away from home, with our

contemplated moving

1

bags of food and clothes.

my mother

from

far

Hollywood Professional

for

our

we

so

attempt

last

at

getting high school diplomas.

Eventually Farrah colonized the beach house too, moving

Of

the pool table, so Griffin no longer had a bedroom. there

was never any question of making space

vast expanse of Farrah's mansion.

My father blame on me. girl,

and

I

made me Tatum,

I

had

make

a choice

chose Farrah," he

choose.

between Tatum and

bad

idea.

I

the this

"Tatum

later told Vanity Fair.

said that's a

I

sleep with this

girl,

don't sleep with you.

Farrah backed press.

to

for us in the

could never figure that out.

abandonment by pinning

tried to justify his "I

I

course,

him

"We excluded

up, shrugging off

her," she said.

my resentment

"When

in the

you're in love, that

happens."

When the

love

window?

comes

does parental responsibility

My father and

were underage, just ourselves.

in,

fifteen

Farrah seemed to think

and

sixteen, too

were eclipsed by the huge burden of caring ing a household on

my own, and

and

drug problems

his increasing

finish high school. It rise to

young

Whatever jealousy and exclusion

was preposterous

those challenges

—and

to

to

out

But

we

fend for

may have

for myself,

looking after

—while

I

so.

fly

manag-

my brother

trying to

felt

—

oh,

work and

to expect a teenager to

beheve that forcing them on

her could be anything but negligent.

123

'

TATUM O'NEAL

We

mainly saw my

Farrah's

—

become

—

us or

command performances

father in

at

usually competitions on her racquetball court. He'd

fanatical about the

better yet

—

game and would

viciously trounce

play us off against each other or Farrah,

while barking from the balcony: "No, no, no! Get in front of her!"

him

It

was

—

his

almost sexualized fantasy scene for

like a weird,

daughter and his lover scratching and biting

like a

couple of angry cats on the racquetball court. All the while he'd be goading me: off you. I

Come

"Come

on, you

on,

Tatum,

coward!

little

could never understand what

down, which became

made him choose

his favorite epithet for

harsh word for such a young that point

she's beating the pants

would seem

girl

—and

for

to prove that she

me.

It

that put-

was such a

one whose

life

up

to

was anything but

a

coward.

Racquetball became just another ther to bully us. Griff

Once my

ball bruises.

Farrah that

tore

I

I

heard hill.

"

I

It

father

my

fa-

so hard against

—

if

I

wasn't

swelled up like a tree trunk, and

I

had

as

to

to the hospital.

my

father's if

I

didn't

his fists while

During

all

I

when

the

phone rang and

thundering voice, summoning

show

ing for me, screaming

up, he'd

my name

cowered

come

to the

me

I

"up the

apartment look-

and banging on the door with

in the closet.

the screaming and hitting and terror competi-

tions, Farrah did not utter a

124

me to play in my ankle

pushed

started to have panic attacks

But

excuse for

were always covered with racquet-

some ligaments

scarred up enough.

be taken

and

word

in

our defense.

'

"

A PAPER LIFE make

didn't

It

father,

her any more endearing when, one day,

with an almost calculated cruelty, said, "Farrah, show

Tatum your She

scar.

lifted

her skirt to reveal a perfect, impossibly thin

body, with a superflat tanned stomach and on faultlessly precise

white incision.

ropey keloid scars

my body had

and seeing

it, I

Yet Farrah distress.

seemed

She seemed

—-would

It

was

it

a far cry

produced

and

a tiny

from the

after the accident,

even more damaged.

felt

oblivious to

my father's game and

have no interest whatsoever

to

fect her relationship with

ent

my

my

—our only functional

me and

Griffin. It

my

in the ef-

father

on

inevitably have

to

was

paras

if

Farrah didn't want to feel old enough to play the role of step-

mother

I

to

two young teenagers.

WAS SEEING A

Beatrice

psychiatrist during the racquetball era, Dr.

who had been recommended by Sue first one to hammer it into my head that

Foster,

Mengers. She was the I

didn't deserve the

came

ther

abuse

I

was

to a session with

getting.

At her request,

me, though he made

it

my fa-

clear that

he considered the process a big joke. "I

"If

it

made

he told

her,"

my therapist,

reciting his usual litany.

wasn't for me, she would never have traveled, never

movies, never met anyone in Hollywood. nothing!

And be

.

.

.

made

She would have

nothing! Just like her mother!"

Having spoken

his

mind,

my

father

went storming out of

the office. Dr. Foster said, "You need to get

away from him,

Tatum. I

knew

it

was

true.

"But how?

"

I

said.

125

TATUM O'NEAL As I

it

was,

was sure

was

I

my

was

waiting to torment

fists,

when my

terrified to leave

father

still

me

outside, pacing

would

racquetball

me and my

breach between

this

for

me,

with anger. "Where ve you been? he said "

going to get

experi-

unhealable late for a

his face twisted

— and

I

knew

I

was

it.

started to apologize, but before

I

an

showed up

I

game one day and found him waiting

I've

book.

create

father.

flexing his

our secrets.

for telling

enced the same emotion while writing Eventually

session ended.

and

he raised his

fist

I

and coldcocked me,

could get the words out, right in the head.

1

col-

lapsed, then picked myself up, ran off the court, and drove

away.

I

years,

vowed

I

didn't

him

that I'd never, ever see

—but

I

had

to

again,

and

for a

few

endure plenty of punishment be-

fore then.

My

father terrorized me,

but Griffin was his real whip-

ping boy. Everything Griff did seemed to provoke pecially

winning

at pool.

dad, es-

Being an excellent pool player,

father insisted on worthy opposition, but he petitive to tolerate losing.

my

Then

was

also too

my

com-

he'd often let loose with

fists

and sometimes even with pool cues. I

remember once coming out

my

house because

"Fuck you. I

Griffin!

away from

126

I

"

—

clearly gearing

thought. "Griff

Griffin

my room

at the

beach

father was getting beaten and shouting,

just stood by the pool table

are you doing,"

of

and

to start swinging.

and glared

is

said to

up

so little

at

..."

my

dad.

"What

My dad

turned

me, with perfect comedic

"

A

timing

— though not meaning

you think you

are,

be funny

to

PAPER LIFE

— '"Who the

hell

do

Joan Crawford?"

Then he threw

cue

a pool

at

my

head, hitting the door

frame just above me.

Most of ther.

the time,

He was

couldn't protect Griffin from

I

my

with crazy stories about falling downstairs with his hands

for

in his pockets. Griffin

had been through so much: the ranch,

the hard days of lixdng with

and

flirting

with his

ning rod for tive

my

own

my

father's anger.

my ow n

knew

I

adulthood would be rough, but

my dad

drugs,

make

road to a posi-

worried that Griffin

I

to adulthood.

it

Griffin wouldn't allow his big sister to take care of

Still,

him

mother, buying

addictions, as well as being a light-

wouldn't have a chance even to

at all.

He

resisted

my

him

efforts to get

Early on he'd been placed in "alternative

"

into high school.

classes because he

couldn't concentrate, despite his high intelligence. Since

hated school myself, so

fa-

always covered with bruises, which he'd account

we

I

wasn't strongly motivated to go either,

ditched the Hollywood Professional plan. Neither of

parents cared whether or not It

I'd

we

made me hopeful when

my

got an education.

Griffin got the

chance

to ap-

pear in a couple of movies. The Escwpe Artist and Hadleys Rebellion

— and he did

Times praised with his

Canby

his "natural screen presence,

"

of the

New

York.

which he "shares

sister.

However,

My brother's his

well. X'incent

Griffin's

drug use was spiraling out of control.

story in the early 1980s

Mini-Cooper

a tale of woe: crashing

into Sylvester Stallone's car; getting arrested

for having a parking

police station pay

is

meter

in his

phone out of

apartment, then ripping the

the wall;

and most notoriously.

127

1

"

TATUM ONEAL losing his front teeth after a headHne-making, face-smashing

beating by

my

father. After

punching

him, in a weird display of narcissistic

my mother made

At one point,

As

Griffin tells

caine.

He

it,

Griffin,

my

father held

guilt.

an intervention.

a stab at

she showed up one day and asked for co-

and

got out his stash,

my mother

and then

right there in front of him,

snorted

said, "Let's

all

of

it,

go shop-

ping."

When

they stepped outside, a nurse grabbed and re-

strained Griffin, hauling

him

mother behind, rocketing

to the

"Needless to

say," Griffin's

moon on

punch

my

and leaving

off to rehab

his coke.

line goes, "1 did not get

sober that time.

Then came and found

my

what looked

loved

my

when

an overdose.

came through

—

brother

so

1

and

my

to the

beach house

refused to go to the hospital

okay.

it

1

my

That freaked

made

me

who

therapist,

out

—

offered to

the trip "up the

hill" to

father about putting Griffin into rehab.

Finally they agreed,

center in

back

got

He

called

help get him into treatment. talk to Farrah

I

brother frothing at the mouth, in the middle of

like

and, luckily,

the day

and

Hawaii, where,

Griffin

while at

a

for

went away

to the Habilitat least,

his

self-

destructive cycle could be broken.

Fd managed to get that well myself.

had

1

help for Griffin, but

didn't crash

— not then, anyway— but

I

and burn

was

J28

my

wasn't doing

all

as visibly as he

definitely

quiet self-destruction for the rest of

bomb.

I

on a mission of

teens.

1

was

a

time

PAPER LIFE

A

On

a positive note,

had

I

a semi-boyfriend for a while,

An-

thony Shriver, the son of Sargent Shriver and Eunice Kennedy

whom

and brother of Maria,

younger than me. Anthony

was

L.A., so our contact

with periodic

visits.

I

year.

managed

last,

when

Even by

in

I'd

Washington and

felt

I

and

a Httle

was

in

letters,

self-conscious and unpar-

who were

of course, but

nection at a time

crushes,

He was

very kind to me. Anthony

to sustain a pretty nice relationship for nearly a

couldn't

It

Aspen.

in

largely confined to calls

ented around the Shrivers,

and

lived in

always

I

met

I'd

late

had

my

I

I

was a wholesome con-

though

I'd

had dozens of

just wasn't sure

how after

no boyfriends.

with Farrah,

in

Timothy Hutton's.

teens,

it

many.

got from guys. For example, not long

virtually

to read the signals

my father moved

didn't have

I

had

I

just seen

met

I

Tom

him

Cruise

at a party at

in Taps.

—

Tom he was a me at the beach house. was a pretty messed-up young woman at that point, trying to cope with my father's leaving and my responsibility I

spent most of the night dancing with

—and

great dancer

the next day, he called

I

for Griffin, so

person. All

you

this I

me

I

I

was too disoriented

think

Tom

or talked to

I

I

respond

like a

normal

Tim Hutton

give

number?" felt

very rejected by that, and he never called

me

again. I've always felt deeply regretful for

hurting his feelings

and

to

could think of to say was, "Did

really

—and

foolish too,

would have loved

because he was so cute,

to go out with him.

But

at the

time

couldn't quite process the idea that he might be interested.

What

a shame!

129

"

TATUM O'NEAL I

WAS VERY LONELY

me

to try to

during those years, which

reconnect with

my

deahng with

father

quetball sessions

—

my

mother.

his rages

what drove

is

wanted her advice on

I

and those horrendous

—but she always

up

in the

be looking

for an-

got too caught

he said/she said aspects of any incident.

I'd

rac-

swers, but she'd be gathering intelligence on the

man

I

believe

she never stopped loving, cruel as he had been to her. So

were

at cross-purposes.

Then

one point,

at

few months. the house

back.

we

I'd

Then

I

had

I

even moved

in

with

bought her or build a

my mother

we

a powerful fantasy that

for a

could expand

guest cottage in the

little

the three of us could live together again

— me, my

mother, and Griffin. In the beginning,

mother. I

1

told

ask for—

my diary:

a great

felt

I

mom,

very happy just being with

She's a great lady.

.

.

.

What more could

a great dog, a great house.

Too many years of loneliness

—

they're over

my

.

.

.

now.

my mother when ran into Warren Beatty, who asked for my phone number. He was one of the most notorious ladykillers in Hollywood, but my mother gave me some surprising advice. She said, "Go for You might get I

was staying with

I

it.

hurt, but

if

ably learn a

you're willing to take that chance, you could problot

from him.

Pretty interesting, she's the coolest

huh?

person

I

1

diary. Sometim.es

know. Luckily for me, nothing ever

—much

happened with Warren Beatty was already involved

my

confided to

in too

many

as

I

wished

it

would.

I

complex and heartbreaking

grown-up dramas.

And

nothing came, ultimately, of

my mother.

my

fantasy of living with

She was always loaded, unfortunately, and so was

no more capable then of sustained mothering than she was

130

— PAPER LIFE

A

before.

I

had

still

a lot of anger,

were clashing enough that ered a bond that

finally

abandoning

drugs.

It

for me was

my vow

when

I

and now

diet for years,

My

—

life.

losing myself in

Hollywood and to

off

was

new

a

and

friend,

Ekland.

Britt

also shared another powerful dieting strategy: vomiting.

me

melting off

me

effortlessly. It didn't take

started

long to get

down

about ninety pounds. I

found that coke made

the panacea I

me

dad had encouraged

Between doing coke and throwing up, the pounds

to

and

learned that cocaine was good for

Victoria Sellers, the daughter of Peter Sellers

She

we'd recov-

a period of drifting

got a bit chubby, by

I

so,

for the rest of her

The person who tipped me

loss.

Even

to stay clean

Farrah-comparison standards.

weight

to leave.

we would maintain

What followed started

had

I

and within a few months we

I'd

had a great capacity

hours

—sometimes

stop.

Though

I'd

that this

it

too,

much

her to share

—

for

grown up surrounded by

was

like

had

addicts,

I

to

didn't

the actual mechanics of addiction to

totally

my

We

—

me, and

It

after other people

sign.

Even

wacky but

so

if

had,

I

much fun

wouldn't

it

that

I

invited

apartment on Keith Street, off Doheny, in

took a

trip

together to

New

stayed at the Helmsley Palace. There,

boyfriend

better.

my tormented thoughts. which let me keep going for

night long

was a danger

was

Victoria

L.A.

feel so

me down.

have slowed

West

for

all

know enough about know

me

always needed to ease

I

York,

where we

got to

meet her

a Colombian drug dealer. That was just too heavy I

had

to get out. Survival instincts

.

.

.

131

— TATUM O'NEAL However, the clincher was the other guys Victoria was bringing

home

who would wind up dead

heroin addict to ask her to

—among them Charles Bronson's son

move

out. Victoria

of an overdose.

would go on

video with the notorious Hollywood

to

madam

make

my most

wanted

to

crazy party

be around too girl,

1

much

had

a sex-tips

when I was

was a lone druggie, who never riffraff

—who never became

was never promiscuous, and never got

a

arrested.

always had more of an earnest quality, a sense of purpose

I

and

dismally unhappy.

I

Heidi Fleiss.

Antics like Victoria's were way beyond me, even at

Jason, a

a determination to work,

my most

the mid- 1 980s

whatever else was going on. In

notable movie gig was

A

Certain Fury,

directed by Stephen Gyllenhaal, the father of Maggie and Jake

and

a really nice guy.

was

It

female buddy/action movie, with

a

lots of

'em-up violence. Irene Cara (the black Hispanic

and

(the tough

I

girl,

Scarlet, with

young women waiting murder in a

to

battle.

hair)

shoot-

Fame)

were two

be indicted on separate charges

for her, car theft for

gun

dyed red

star of

me

—when the courtroom erupts

We flee together and wind

up having

escape

to

both the cops and plenty of scary situations, including an exploding sewer (where Peter Fonda slashes acter

is

Of

was

It

on me),

(where

a yacht

dope den (where

Irene's char-

was awful

a lot of fun to

make.

my father showed up on He had been doing that on

for

right or left.

It

major body count,

a real slugfest, with a

course,

me.

hind the camera,

132

real rats

face), a

over the top — and

play director. it

my

had

shot up with heroin, plus there's another explosion)

and more! totally

1

1

the set

and

tried to

Farrah's movies, but

got so frustrated with him standing be-

telling

me

to look this

was so demeaning

way

— though

this

or

move

was

to the

my eighth

"

A PAPER LIFE

my

movie,

acknowledge that

father couldn't stand to

own, independent

career.

was embarrassing

It

twenty years old, and no one else

too.

was

I

had a bossy

in the cast

ent trying to override the director. Finally

had

I

to

my

had

1

par-

demand

that he leave the set.

Apart from smoking pot after hours on never did drugs while

Fury was

tain

night, high

over,

was working. However, when

I

my

resumed

I

on coke,

I

drop in

I'd

I

first

time

in

my

had some

I

who turned out to be scary. The time bomb was ticking loudly.

I

was

from one of

staying.

my

One

in,

and

I

when

night

I

was

to

me.

horrified. All

out, just fucking get out,

Another time, when

I

you crazy I

I

about keeping the place

by myself, doing drugs, and up, shaking

me

shoved to the

me

I

awoke

to

him

pig."

I'd

I'd let

over the mess, as

mal's nose on a carpet, car, a

but

bed,

hadn't even heard

was sleeping

tidy,

my

could do was scream, "Get

late,

ploded into the beach house. Normally

my

was

returned, strung out,

excursions and crashed in

Gavin lying there next

sneak

I

wasn't necessarily any safer back at the beach house,

where

find

all

where friends

life,

one-night stands, with guys trying to die again.

Cer-

Up

belonged.

at parties or places

might be hanging out. For the

It

A

self-destructive ways.

I

took to driving around L.A. alone, feel-

ing that there was nowhere that

Sometimes

Little Darlings,

I

been up

father ex-

was pretty good for a

things go.

if

my

few days,

all

He yanked me

he were rubbing an ani-

and then dragged

me

outside to where

Porsche, was parked. Snatching open the door, he

"Get the fuck out of here!

Go

he slammed the car door on

my

in the car, bellowing,

rehab with your brother!

Then, with

all

his might,

legs.

133

TATUM O'NEAL I

flashed back years to that awful Thanksgiving

father

slammed my mother's on the

out, drunk,

had wanted was

wound up

Pacific

car door on her legs and sent her

Coast Highway

to

be arrested. All she

to share a turkey with her family,

sadistically

when my

abused

for

being weak.

Now

and she'd the

same

thing was happening to me.

So out of

134

I

knew

my

I

had

to get out

father's reach.

to detonation.

Then

bomb went

I

off,

—

—out

of L.A., out of harm's way,

The time bomb was

just seconds,

met John McEnroe.

it

perilously close

seemed

— before

the

TWELVE Johnny

Mac

a

Victoria Sellers and Hills

home

those scenes

vegans shell.

were

at a party at the Beverly

full

of people

who do

I

walked into the

had been

living

to

me,

Romeo

room, and there was John with

They

Gerulaitis.

Void concert and just arrived.

was October 1984, and John was

number one

was one of

L.A. in a nut-

is

and fellow tennis champion Vitas at a

It

drugs but are also fanatical

— no meat, no dairy—which,

his friend

It

I

of the record producer Richard Perry.

at his hottest, the

tennis player in the world. He'd just

made

history

by winning eighty-two of his eighty-five matches that year,

Open

cluding every major tournament except the French record that's

still

unsurpassed.

He was

in-

—

also notorious as the

bad boy of tennis, wired and aggressive, known

for his

scream-

ing tantrums.

So when he came and

tle

laughing a

silly,

smoking

sat

how sweet and normal

prised at

grass.

We

lot,

down

I

He was

was

sur-

even a

lit-

which made me think he'd been

hung out together

and then exchanged

next to me,

he seemed.

a nice kiss before

for the rest of the night I

hopped

into

my

black

Porsche and headed home. Later

136

I

heard that John was shocked that

I

left

instead of

A

home

going

occur

with him. But since we'd just met, that didn't even

me.

to

PAPER LIFE

I

was never one

beds, and besides,

for

jumping

was pretty heavily

I

into strange men's

into coke at the time,

which wasn't the greatest aphrodisiac. saw John again

I

had a

party.

What

a

few weeks

later,

when Alana Stewart

he was wearing was really odd

—an almost-

knee-length leather jacket and midheel black boots, with chains on the back.

thought he looked so funny and cute.

1

had a good time talking and

finally

wound up

at the

We

end of the

night in a guest room, in bed together.

That was a letdown,

—

that sex

and weird.

ble

to say the least.

or even just touching

We

— seemed impossi-

were lying there uncomfortably awake

dawn, when someone started knocking a neighboring house.

awkwardly

shifting

W^e both were so high

and talking

was

It

in

a tennis ball

surreal to hear that

bed next

to

around

at at

sound while

the worlds best tennis

player. Still,

I

way back he

slid

told

really, really liked

to the easy

out of bed and vanished

me

hoped we could

—

I'd

1

got

up too and

kept my vow

a horrible, dreary, little sublet I

find our

into Alana's closet, she later

left,

Whatever budding romance we d had was

At twenty, hattan.

I

—where he wound up sleeping on the

have been the drugs. So closed.

John.

connection of the night before. But then

headed back

there,

to leave L.A.

on West still

floor.

must

It

thinking. Case over.

and was

Too bad!

living in

Sixtieth Street in

Man-

thinking about John, and

with the encouragement of Victoria Sellers, decided to him.

call

We met at the apartment where John still lives today. The

137

"

TATUM O'NEAL place was like a castle in the sky: a four-story penthouse over-

looking Central Park with three terraces and views of both the

Hudson and East

rivers.

John, then only twenty-six,

We

drank ginger

never met anyone as young as

I'd

who

lived that way.

ale, ate pretzels, talked,

Honeymooners reruns on TV. Then nocent evening

— hardly

I

left. It

even a date

and laughed over

was

—but

it

a perfectly in-

rekindled the

spark between us.

John had mentioned that he owned another apartment on East ant.

End Avenue, I

right

on the

accepted his offer

looked

like a real

to

river, for

which he needed a ten-

have his mother show

it

me.

to

It

bachelor pad, with worn carpeting marked

here and there with beer stains in the lixing

room and the two

bedrooms, some beat-up, left-behind furniture, and an old TV. Still,

mother,

could see that

I

it

had

possibihties.

who seemed very competent and

I

told Kay, John's

nice, that I'd think

it

over.

That was clue that

my

introduction to John's family and

was very

it

different

John's financial affairs, right father,

John

Sr., a

my

from mine. Kay handled

down

to

paying his

first

all

and

bills;

of his

partner in the high-powered law firm Paul,

Weiss, Rifkind, Wharton and Garrison, managed the business

and

legal sides of his career.

It

was

as

if

John's family was a

pyramid, with him standing at the pinnacle and a broad, solid

him from beneath; while my family was

structure supporting

the upside-down version, with so for myself,

my

and physical

Cozy

come

mother, and

my

— bearing down

as John's

much

brother

—

heavily on

its fragile tip.

arrangement seemed, however,

to see that there

was a downside

to

at the heart of a family's cottage industry.

138

of the responsibility financial, emotional,

Me. I

would

being the "product

— PAPER LIFE

A

Before ment,

could decide

I

had some business

I

whether

to rent John's apart-

with back

to deal

in

Los Angeles.

Since work was being done on the beach house and they'd be out of towTi,

my

me

father told

that

Talking to John from there,

I

pended from tennis

weeks

Sweden

all

over the king,

and one more thing

was

I

put-down

his classic

among

— and

other infractions. Oh,

way

his

thought, John and

fide date,

which was

he insisted on staying

something, because

you never

was

—

queen of

for calling the

to California.

thrilled!

Finally,

bona

— he was on

at Farrah's.

learned that he'd been sus-

"the pits of the world"

spraying soda

I

for three

could stay

I

to see

will.

if

What

in.

would go out on

1

exciting.

Maybe

But

when

came

that should have told

you don't get wooed on vour I

a real,

the day

me

date,

first

wanted more than anything, though,

him and be with him,

so

I

him

invited

come

to

to

Farrah's.

He showed up with

drugs

I

wished that he hadn't because

of our previous bad experience and because

1

ready way too susceptible to the allure of drugs.

knew Still,

1

1

was

al-

couldn't

say no.

We

did the drugs and took a grand tour of the mansion

the Hall of Farrah, with

all

those eyes staring off the magazine

covers; the infamous racquetball court, the site of so

abuse; and the incredibly romantic view "down the Farrah's

hill"

windows of illuminated ribbons of highways and

liant dots of light against the pitch-dark It

much

was freezing cold

in the

house.

from bril-

cit\'.

We

clung to each other.

139

TATUM O'NEAL and

I

guess the intensity of our desire overpowered the chilling

effects of the drugs.

That night we consummated our

relation-

ship, not with full thunder-and-lightning special effects, say,

but

we

did

away from him

—

from me.

or he

COULD SEE THE

When we went

to get his luggage

still

rah's,

it

it

in the gas fireplace.

so

resettled

happy just

grass,

and play

made

"lefty "just for

to

my

at

on

lie

He

clearly

in the sun,

needed

He knew he was burned out. He was Davis Cup final in December but decided Open, which followed

the Australian

arm-twisting phone

came

call

to refer to him),

ment and winning

his dad,

who was

it.

his

a

little

which had been

to

withdraw from

That prompted an Sr. (or J. P., as

I

focused on achieve-

rest, in his father's view,

peak of

smoke

slated to play the

John

totally

at Far-

to relax.

—no excuses. Though John

hausted and needed a off right at the

from

for-

beach house, John

his light blue electric guitar,

him.

John had

fire.

father's

swim and

we

we were

Luckily, in the two days

off.

didn't explode or set the place

When we seemed

burning

from

staying,

was

the Beverly Hills cabana house where he

gotten to turn

could

I

knew he

that John's intense, record-breaking

toll

year had taken on him.

found flames

I

my dreams.

was the man of

I

After that, for the next ten years,

it.

barely tear myself

must

I

really

was

ex-

he was slacking

momentum, when he seemed

un-

stoppable, at the end of an astounding year.

They had Australian

huge argument, with

Open was

wasn't going.

140

a

Of

critical

J.

P. insisting that the

and John saying "no way"

course, John won.

—he

"

A

In retrospect,

from

rate

his family

to help

family

me

finally

him sepa-

may have been counting on him

my own

crazy

escape from Hollyweirdness.

to

New Year,

idyllic

days between Thanksgiving 1984 and

our only focus was each other.

one on November

5,

and

it

was

been blessed with a magnificent haired genius boy-man, strong

to help

develop an independent iden-

throw off the emotional shackles of

—and

Yet in those the

and

unconsciously

in turn,

tity. I,

me

think John needed

I

PAPER LIFE

—and he seemed

who was to love

as

my

if

gift.

I

turned twenty-

coming-of-age had

truly loved this curly-

so secure

me

I

and together and

back.

COULD ALMOST HAVE predicted what happened when John first met my father. We were invited up to Farrah's, where my dad performed a whole macho circling-and-sniffing I

ritual,

grabbing and squeezing John's biceps, then delivering

his verdict: I

was

fazed.

He was

was doing

He

"Not very

terribly

big. You're so skinny.

embarrassed, but John wasn't the least

too confident about

bit

who he was and what he

in the world to care about being appraised that way.

didn't find

my

father

and Farrah intimidating or even

all

that impressive.

Then,

racquetball.

ludicrous

my father challenged John to a game of Though my dad was very good, the idea of it was

inevitably,

—imagining

nis player in the

that he could beat the

world

at

any racquet

number one

sport, or

even

ten-

at Ping-

Pong. But John graciously indulged him and handicapped

himself by playing right-handed and in his jeans.

bear to watch

—not because

I

I

couldn't

was worried about the outcome

141

TATUM O'NEAL but because

was such

it

on

a blatant display,

my

father's part,

of jock competitiveness.

John in

and

fight.

so

claimed

later

As

my

recall,

I

my

father beat

and

reasons It

needed

made me

little

the

I

me,

for

that

man

1

it

To John,

for a

escape

to

my

a chore, not didn't

1

seek his approval.

behind

was

it

just

is,

neither of us

family.

I

respected

my father

an honor, to introduce him to

even value his opinion, never mind

was leaving

new and

I

my family and

all

their

mid-December John had to head back east ready for the Davis Cup finals. Neither of us felt ready I

apartment

went I

was

dramas

better future.

In

arate, so

and

meaningless backyard

feel lonely to realize that

loved.

to avoid a

was yet another charade highlighting the

it

was

him

dad's unsportsmanlike tactics failed

John wound up the winner. But the truth

play;

hemming him

kept aggressively

that he held back, letting

cared, either way.

so

my dad

to get to sep-

along, staying at his penthouse instead of the

When

renting.

it

was time

for

him

to leave for

me that couldn't come. It might be too disruptive for the Davis Cup team and, for him, too distracting. understood, but still took the news hard. was so much could hardly bear to have John out of my sight, in love that the finals, John told

I

I

I

I

I

and

I

didn't

nately,

I

want

knew

to

also

week

or ten days. Unfortu-

be alone

for a

where

could find distraction from

I

my

loneliness: in John's safe.

There were drugs cocaine. Like

142

in

it

— some

many people

pills

and

in the 1980s,

at least

an ounce of

when coke was

a sta-

"

A PAPER LIFE

pie at parties,

John kept drugs around

having a wine

like

recreational

—take

true for me.

cellar.

it

or leave

it

—which did

I

to

be

I

already

more coke

tended periods than other people, but

game

guess,

I

For him, drug use was strictly

recognized that

I

for hospitality,

it

was

a

knew

wasn't

more

ex-

whole new

ball

for

alone for days with a seemingly unlimited sup-

left

ply of coke. I

was miserable.

John, and though I

1

couldn't stay out of the safe.

I

1

loved

was worried sick about making him angry,

kept going back for just one more hit of coke. In between

down,

those, to slow myself

while,

I

What's wrong with me?

What am I going

Good

pills.

to tell

Why

All the

asking.

and of course.

can't I stop this?

John?

question! By the time John got home, except for the

which

pot,

worked on the

I

was whipping myself, tormentedly, obsessively

I

John was

didn't like, the safe horrified.

was empty.

"How could you do all

those drugs?" he

shouted. "Are you crazy, Tatum?" I

didn't have the language to

"I'm an addict,

with me. All scared ing

me

I

"

because

knew was

to death,

I

answer him.

didn't really

that

and that

I

I

I

couldn't say

know what was wrong

hadn't been able to stop, which

hated myself for

it

and

for

mak-

him unhappy. To make matters worse,

Not only did

the

John's trip had been a disaster.

American team

—and John personally—

lose

nearly every match, but the U.S. Tennis Association also cen-

sured them for their behavior, establishing a "code of conduct that every player

and vowed not

had

to pledge to uphold.

to sign the pledge,

playing the Davis

Cup

(which

it

even

John was outraged

if it

kept him from

did, for the next

few

years).

143

TATUM O'NEAL We

were heading into the holidays and our new Hfe

gether under

some dark and

to-

heav)' storm clouds.

Around Christmas, John told me that he loved me and wanted me to come live with him in New York. said yes, of course — so happy— and we celebrated New Year's Eve toI

gether in Los Angeles. Shortly after midnight John went to

bed because he had an

early flight for a

match

Las Vegas.

in

my

stayed up shooting pool and getting drunk with

I

half-

brother Patrick, finally slipping into bed next to John at day-

nudged

break. Just an hour or two later, he

had

me

to say that

he

to leave.

"I'm

coming with you!

He was

"

I

insisted.

me

shocked. Though he wanted

never dreamed that

make

I'd

tournament was

But

this

live.

John was suspended

it

after partying

my very at the

time

we

all

night long.

to see

him play

got together,

and then

chance

first

with him, he

he'd gone off by himself for the Davis Cup.

My

red from playing Scarlet in

hair, still bright

Fury, stood out against the blue seats as

hoped for

that

him

African.

John could see

as he

it,

slammed away

Even when John

He was my man, and

I

144

I'd

I

that

Johan Kriek,

I

I

was rooting

a fast

South

temper, stomping around the

felt that

thrill

to

Certain

sat in the stands.

know

I

was so proud

share the incredible

John seemed so happy glad

at

lost his

court, yelling at the umpire,

later, to

so he'd

I

A

was where to

I

belonged.

cheer him on and,

when he won.

have

me

trusted the instinct that urged

I

was

early

and

by his side that

me

to get

up

A PAPER LIFE go with him.

doubts he safe.

It

I

think that gesture helped ease any lingering

may have had about me

after the incident with the

showed him how committed

ing his hfe, even

if

I

test, as

I

was

to

him and

to shar-

did tend to overdo certain substances.

John actually had an idea about eager to

I

would soon

me and

drugs that he was

find out.

145

THIRTEEN Johns Cure

John's plan for me was very drugs It

—and

it

Get pregnant,

simple:

get off

worked.

wasn't exactly a textbook cure for coke dependency in a

twenty-one-year-old from an abusive, addicted family, but

John knew poseful

I

me

He knew how determined and purhow thrived on giving and receivJohn wasn't as warm as he would

pretty well.

could be and also

ing love. In those days,

I

become. His parents were old-fashioned disciplinarians with a certain pride in their strict resistance to breast-feeding or spoiling crying babies with pacifiers. affection

seemed So

—very

big

to flourish at

—and

on hugging and cuddling

having a baby

^John's

moving awfully

fast.

I'd

moved into

baby

—even

I

if it

me. did

I

loved the idea of

seem

that

we were

the penthouse apartment on Central Park

West, which would be our primary

and

John

being nurtured.

his plan resonated perfectly with

—

was much more into

I

home

in the years that

John

were together. In the early months of our relationship.

147

TATUM O'NEAL we were

however,

rarely there.

I

was

traveling everywhere with

John, staying clean, trying to get pregnant, and learning to

be a good tennis

wound up being

On certain

girlfriend,

which was fun

harder and lonelier than

I

how

for a while but

expected.

the road John adhered to a strict routine

— sleeping

hours, getting long massages, eating exactly three

hours before matches, stretching, taping up, testing the tension on his racquet strings,

much

time for me.

John's work, so

and help

to

I

just

I

and so on

understood that

hung

March 1985, and

1

notoriety.

didn't

"I

John said

hope you

John came with

we

ran into a

woman who

yes, she said, with

an anger that shocked

lose!"

didn't react, but that out-of-the-blue hostility

stranger gave

with

preferring to

it,

McEnroe?"

asked, "Are you John

John

Certain Fur)' was

and we both agreed that the movie wasn't

to a screening,

me,

A

promote

price, careerwise).

very good. Then, leaxing the theater,

When

me

—and which

could see

way

keep him focused on wanning.

be with John (and paid the

me

didn't leave

was the nature of

out, trying to stay out of his

Another challenge was John's released in

—which

this

from a

a chilling sense of the isolation

he lived

would soon grow accustomed

Now

I

why John

put on an Afro wig

disliked being recognized.

when he went

to the deli to

to.

I

Once he even buy

beer.

He

hailed a cab, and the driver, hearing his voice, asked, "Hey, are

you John McEnroer" The disguise didn't work. I

was proud

that

John wasn't a

type, with country club life

snoot)' "rich boy" tennis

manners, but his temper often made

harder for us. Sometimes he would joke about

after the screening,

it.

Not long

he blew up at Wojtek Fibak, a Polish player

he thought was turning the crowd against him during a match.

148

A PAPER LIFE Then he

ran up to

"Do you think

ing,

me

in the stands

I'm lacking

certain fury,'

'a

was very endearing. There were

It

times, like at the French

me

thanked

we

for

got to see a

Open

little

gala,

when John

my

publicly

life

ments on which actors (whom

my

role

models;

I

knew

old, I'd

drew crowds because of

I

was issuing

much more

his sheer brilliance

tabloids

little state-

barely heard of)

was part of the

it

relationship with the media was

his

better."

besieged by paparazzi. That drove us crazy.

grown up under the constant scrutiny of the

I'd

was

some very nice

also

of Paris together too, though everywhere

and the paparazzi. At nine years

it

offer-

Tatum?"

being there and for "making

we were

went,

ered

Hke a peace

said,

laughed.

I

We

and

consid-

I

job. John's

He

adversarial.

on the courts, but

hotheaded reactions that propelled a stuffy "gentle-

men's sport" into the headlines. So the press inflated every squabble into an out-and-out brawl, calling John names

"McBrat

enough

"

and "King Sneer,

"

and when he

fodder, tried their best to

stir

like

them

didn't give

up controversy by

bait-

ing him. Naturally,

when John became

involved with me,

an even more rabid feeding frenzy.

was used was

fair

to

being in magazines

game

like People,

for the National Enquirer.

the press in France that he asked

Wimbledon

He would

in July,

me

set off

complain that he but that

He was

not to

it

now

he

so upset by

come with him

where he was always the media's

to

favorite

whipping boy. Yet the press war was just heating up. Later that year, two

photographers in Australia went so far as to frame John, provoking him into a shoving match with one of them while the other snapped pictures.

149

TATUM O'NEAL It

didn't help that

tories in 1984,

was trying

Open

to

John was

he was the

knock

losing. After his incredible vic-

man

to beat

—

the guy every player

off his pedestal. He'd lost the

Mats Wilander and Wimbledon

to

old Boris Becker. So the stress on John

tember, the time of the U.S.

Open

French

to seventeen-year-

was intense

—which

as Sep-

was played

in

Flushing Meadows, Queens, right near Douglaston, where he

was raised

—grew

closer.

My father decided to fly out with ment. The two of them

chances altogether.

wound up

First,

my

Griffin to see the tourna-

practically sabotaging John's

father stayed only through the

semis, which was like placing a curse on a superstitious athlete.

Once

my dad was

again,

Then, when

it

came

totally unsupportive.

to the finals,

we

left for

Queens from

Oyster Bay, Long Island, where John and his family had sum-

mer houses, and were

manded it,

we

that

already running late

stuck in the heavy tennis-fan

up

for the

he had

late,

little

traffic

lost

on the freeway. Because

time to stretch and get psyched

He wound up losing the 1985 U.S. Open and never again won a major tournament.

—

Right after the Open, we fallen in love with the

left for

Malibu beach and,

bought a house there from Johnny Carson

us

how

just the

7

50

even more getting

match.

Ivan Lendl

of cash

Griffin de-

turn back to get his contact lenses. John did

which cost us precious time, then we

John arrived

when

and

free tennis lessons.

Malibu. John had six

months

for a

before,

combination

Johnny had proudly showed

everything in the house was remote controlled

TVs and

to

the state-of-the-art

sound system but

— not

also the

PAPER LIFE

A

curtains

lowered.

and even the beds, which automatically raised and I

them

half expected

to

push

and make the

a button

deck move. It

was

modern house on Carbon Canyon

a gorgeous,

beach, off the Pacific Coast Highway, on the stretch that

would

later

become known

Row. The inside was

as Mogul's

very luxurious, with white carpeting and a huge mirrored

bathroom with table, since

a big Jacuzzi.

we

John and

make

loved to play, to

had brought

I

feel like

it

in a pool

home. The

house became a refuge we would enjoy on our rare breaks from the It

circuit.

was there

ered that

1

Malibu,

in

in

September 1985,

that

I

discov-

was pregnant.

John reacted by throwing up, then spending four days bed, sick as a dog.

mother served Having

us,

He blamed

but

I

knew

the illness

that the real reason

lost three of the year's four

which made him happy but

changes

in his life.

And

stress.

He was becoming

in a

he was a wreck.

he was going to have to

churchgoing Catholics

a

major

signaled

also

Both of these lightning bolts struck

No wonder

single week.

was

my

Grand Slam competitions,

John had plummeted from number one. father,

on a casserole

in

—

tell

his parents

—

serious

had conceived

that his girlfriend

a

child out of wedlock, right on the heels of the disappointing

U.S. Open. of

me

I

was dreading

that.

I

felt that

ever since John took time off

they had been leery

when we

first

became

couple. His losing streak during our year together didn't

me me

any more appealing. because

1

was

a

I

a

make

also believed that they didn't respect

Hollywood actress and, now

having a child together, would be upset that

I

that

we were

wasn't a practic-

ing Catholic.

151

TATUM O'NEAL John

me

told

not to worry

way and

things our

—

we were

that

was nothing

that there

them

say to us. But he put off telling

going to do

his parents could

magazine

until People

forced his hand by getting wind of the pregnancy and calling John's mother for confirmation.

we

Still,

tried to preser\'e our

privacy by continuing to deny the rumor to the press.

were outed

by, of

had had

Earlier that year Farrah

Redmond

Then we

people, m\' father.

all

a baby,

my

half-brother

O'Neal, and set off a firestorm of controversy by an-

my dad had no intention of getting my dad's turn to blab to the press. In an CBS Morning News, he told the world, "I'm

nouncing that she and

Now

married.

it

was

appearance on the

going to have a son-in-law and going to be a grandfather."

was furious

I

since

we

hadn't quite worked out the "son-in-law

had gotten down on one knee cepted his offer of marriage.

ment

ring,

He

gave

but then months dragged on as

brought out the cruelty in

wedding

my

or offered to host

ther of the bride, but

who, he

me

I

father, it

for

came

to

Then

was will-

That

I

who'd never cared about like

any traditional

fa-

of "trailing after John,"

to

marry me. His words I

had ever had,

until

senses.

realized that getting married

—

or not

— was up

to

me.

I

was growing more heavily pregnant with each passing

day.

I

didn't

I

152

my I

that his father

was

sparked the most serious fights John and I

a beautiful engage-

me

me,

want

ac-

I'd

traveled with John.

now accused me

insisted, clearly didn't

John

set.

sign a prenuptial agreement.

I

part.

"

propose to me, and

other things, John warned

going to insist that

the

to

but the wedding date wasn't

Among ing,

our privacy, especially

at his disrespect for

wanted

to

want

to

be a huge, seven-months-pregnant bride.

be beautiful

for

John

in

photos of a day

we would

I .

PAPER LIFE

A

cherish for the rest of our

lives.

didn't

I

planning a wedding while John was

ment

needed

to

my

For his sake,

circuit.

be by his

need the aggravation of

still

sake

The wedding could

side.

Nauseous, nauseous, nauseous, 1

filled

an entire

line in

my diary.

city.

John would

—

wait.

nauseous, nauseous

I

.

was there with him was

later say that this

when

time in our relationship,

the baby's

.

John's schedule was brutal, a

hundred days of nonstop touring, and nearly every

out on the tourna-

—even

was

1

in

his favorite

focused on him

totally

and completely dependent. I'd

reunited with

and invited her

to

my mother

come with

soon after conceiving Kevin

us to a Loreto, Mexico, tennis

camp. John had a "touring pro" contract there, which paid him tens of thousands of dollars for a few days of knocking balls

around with well-heeled

clients.

three of us standing under the

HOME OF JOHN MCENROE a year there

—

have a funny picture of the

I

camp

banner, reading the

— though he Spent

at

in a desolate stretch of desert,

most two weeks surrounded by

tumbleweeds. Afterward Vilas,

we

flew to Mexico City, where John, Guillermo

Hana Mandlikova, and some

tournament

to benefit

others played a charity

Mexican earthquake

victims. Funnily

enough, the celebrities on hand included Kristy McNichol,

my

costar from Little Darlings.

That

my

trip

was fun, and having

loneliness

my mother along helped ease

and boredom on the

sometimes ask friends eling at least thirty

to

road. In years to

accompany me

weeks

as well.

come,

I'd

We were trav-

a year, working the tennis circuit, so

153

TATUM O'NEAL it

was the only way

keep up connections. Even

to

so,

it

was very

hard to maintain any kind of consistent support network.

On were

tour fired

all

my

my

up by

drove John insane. in

pregnancy. In Europe, especially, they

started keeping a

I

diary: Barcelona: ]

us into the lohhy in the

The

with smoke today.

halls.

cigarettes I felt

to the hysteria

Back

While on

I

—

was absolutely

filled

people hunting after auto-

they're crazy. I still haven't gotten

and I'm

starting to feel

.

.

.

Sweden:

it.

took a break while John did the

six-

Tennis Over America exhibitions with Bjorn

John

that tour,

way back

to fight his

the plane

fohn causes wherever he goes

in the States,

cities-in-six-days

—

Grown

ill.

Fifth country in eight days,

him

of press altercations

ended up kicking a guy who followed

graphs and pictures like kids

Borg.

list

fans were just as bad. Pushy, gross, sickly looking,

smoking too many

used

who

quickly grew really sick of the paparazzi,

I

to

later said,

number

one.

Borg encouraged

To do

it,

he'd have to

play the Australian Open, which he had never won.

So we wound up

was a

John

disaster.

who was

in

Melbourne

lost to

at the

end of November.

It

Slobodan Zivojinovic of Yugoslavia,

the sixty-sixth-ranked player in the world. That hurt,

and John screamed

at

him, "You're going to pay for

this,"

draw-

ing devastating boos and catcalls from the crowd.

On in

the

way back John

talked about taking a year off to get

shape and work on improving his game. Boy, do

would he a good

idea!

I

told

my diary. He was

But John had to subject himself

Grand

—and

January

154

think that

and emotionally.

gas, physically

ing the

I

completely out of

Prix Masters at

to

one more

test, play-

Madison Square Garden

losing to Brad Gilbert. That's

what

finally

in

con-

—

"

PAPER LIFE

A

vinced him that

it

was time

ibu, catch his breath,

decompress, to retreat

to

Mal-

to

and become human again while awaiting

the birth of our baby.

was so reheved.

I

Those were some gether.

February

We

day.

of the happiest days of our lives to-

John grew a beard, played threw a lavish parly

I

set

up

and Stephen

a tent

Stills

guitar,

and smoked

grass. In

for his twenl^^-seventh birth-

on the beach, where Bruce Springsteen

played music, and got a huge turnout of

from Hollywood and the record business. John was

stars

thrilled.

hope you

"I

me

stay in love with

I'm madly in love the

acts

I

he the happiest day of

May

I

I can't

my

twentieth was

in

love to

to

wait to have his hahy. That will

life.

my due

My

date.

blood pressure was

up, and fearing toxemia, the doctor scheduled

labor a few days later.

later.

with him, wrote. Devoted—and toward me speaks me —makes

— way he me— LOVE HIM SO. love

me

he told

forever,"

The

night before

me

for

induced

my delivery, John hung

out in the back room, smoking pot and pla\ang his guitar, resisting

my pleas

him

to

come

to bed.

I

Then

locked the bedroom door.

finally got

mad last

for

"Fine," I

said.

ready to

too. I'd

come

to

He was

furious

bed and couldn't get

wanted so much

to

have him

lie

in.

beside

when he

But

I

me on

was our

night as a couple, before everything changed and "we" be-

came

"three.

J55

TATUM O'NEAL He was

just too pigheaded, though.

impending fatherhood on that he

his

own.

He

to

cope with

wouldn't even admit

was nervous.

Then, the next day, after checking center

He had

me

into the birthing

Hospital in Santa Monica, John forgot to

at St. John's

put the car in park.

It

rolled

down

the

ramp

of the parking

garage and crashed into one of the doctor's fancy cars.

was

hurt, luckily,

and

I

had

what would have happened

On May

if

to laugh, thinking,

No

Hmmm

156

.

.

23, 1986, after nine hours of all-natural, no-

into the world

I

.

you were nervous, John?

anesthetic, induced labor, our firstborn son wiggled his

We named

one

—

all

eight

pounds and eleven ounces of him!

him Kevin Jack McEnroe.

had never

felt

way

such pride and

joy.

FOURTEEN The Wedding

—

I

wasn't going to have

On May

riod.

Griffin act a

26, 1986

was involved

little at

a typical

—-three

young-mother nesting pe-

days after Kevin was born

in a terrible accident.

Habilitat, the therapeutic

But he soon began a downward

slide,

He'd cleaned up

community

his

in Hawaii.

leading to an unimagin-

able tragedy. Griffin

had

a

role

in

the movie

Gardens of Stone, a

Vietnam-era military-base drama being filmed near Washington, D.C.,

starred

which was directed by Francis Ford Coppola and

James Caan.

On

one of

his afternoons off. Griffin

his friend Gian-Carlo, Coppola's son, rented a

and

speedboat on

the South River near Annapolis, Maryland. Griffin,

who was

driving, tried to cut

between two slow

motorboats, not realizing that a towline was strung between

them. Seconds before hitting the

line,

my brother managed

to

duck, but Gian-Carlo wasn't so lucky. The towline caught him

and flung him

to the

back of the boat, where

tered on the metal deck.

No and

one called me.

for half a

I

He

his

died instantly.

heard about the accident on the news

day believed that Griffin had died

even want to breast-feed newborn Kevin because

158

head shat-

too. I

I

didn't

thought he

PAPER LIFE

A

might pick up

man

We

my

milk.

1

loved Ro-

never even been able to put into words the sorrow

Coppola

feel for the I

shock and horror from

Coppola, Gian-Carlo's brother, and knew the whole fam-

ily well. I

my

felt

family.

too raw to discuss the accident with John.

too painful. Finally

It

was

just

heard from Griffin, who'd been charged

I

with boat manslaughter, as well as recklessness and negligence. Devastated, he told

been

He

killed.

barrel in his

So

my

life

hour he'd

said that for an

mouth but was

he wished he had

sweet Kevin was clouded by

my

both for the Coppolas and for

who seemed

to

with a shotgun

sat

too scared to pull the trigger.

bliss after the birth of

terrible grief

Griffin,

me how much

poor brother

have most of the cards in the deck of

stacked against him. Just a

news

few weeks

the dog

I'd

raised from a puppy,

half-brother Patrick at

my

had run out onto the

Pacific

killed

—

a

month

a seesaw

that was,

had shown up

teenagers,

beaming

same green eyes pasted-up

as

as

b\'

and

Griffin

late

May

born, both

at the hospital

we

was about

staying with

my

my

me and my mom.

birth

my

I

late

June

and death.

parents, as well as

and posed

began

chronicling

father.

through

for photos.

we

hold our adorable son,

Polaroids

it

Coast Highway, where he was

twent\'-two (me) and twenty-seven (John),

with

with more sad

beach house. The poor dog

between joy and sorrow,

Right after Kevix was John's,

who had been

father's

by a car and then buried

What 1986

me

later Griffin called

— not about himself, thank God. This time

look like two

who had

filling

sweet

At

my

the

diaries

moments

of

159

TATUM O'NEAL Kevin's babyhood, with captions:

naked baby

sistible

What a

bod! (under the irre-

I'm going to get you,

shots),

(reaching for the cat), and First diaper rash red bottom I

— poor

Tatiana!

—a bad one!

(a sore

guy).

little

mommy! thaw in my relations

loved being a

The

brief

lowed Kevin's birth couldn't

when

so later,

last.

with

family that

The break came two-week

they all arrived for a

McEnroes' Oyster Bay, Long

my

Island,

fol-

month

a

or

stay at the

compound.

My

father

and Farrah brought baby Redmond, then about sixteen

months

and

old, as well as Griffin

brother Patrick,

who had

my

eighteen-year-old half-

befriended John in Malibu.

The compound was

a five-acre former farm on Tennis

Court Road, where John and

his family spent

summers.

It

had

a big gazebo in the center, a multicar garage with caretakers'

apartment above

and a

it,

large

main house, which was owned

by John's parents, where the whole family often gathered for dinner.

The garage and

the

terra-cotta roof to the barn,

roomy house

To the

main house were connected by which had been converted

for John.

right of the barn, a

house, which overlooked the nis court, of course, but

it

walkway led

swimming

was

as far

country-club setup as you could

an old-fashioned clay court, a

remember once seeing I

give

put

them

my

a

into a

I

There was

a ten-

slick, professional,

was endearingly funky,

uneven and run-down.

I

a wasps' nest in the net.

father, Farrah,

privacy.

little

pool.

from a

get. It

to a cabana/guest-

and Redmond

in the

cabana

to

could only hope that there would be no

dramas and that they'd be respectful guests, remembering that

New York wasn't

Malibu and

that John's parents,

cupied the main house, were pretty straitlaced.

160

who

oc-

PAPER LIFE

A

Sadly,

had no such

I

out of the cabana until

reeked of

it.

a tyrant

bing

me

to

All

I

grass never

on

this trip,

mellowed out

my

He

father, either.

stomping out of the cabana and grabto

be

fixing

Redmond's

Why can't you?" my

six-week-old-

the hostess, not your servant."

Where my

dad's craziness really erupted

John was

in the city, luckily, so

and Patrick played a few

switching off partners. To

me

it

was on the tennis

we were

repeat of the racquetball face-off. Instead, Griffin

compound

that the entire

could think was, I'm breast-feeding

—and I'm

court.

seemed

demand, "Who's supposed

baby bottles?

son

it

was so embarrassed.

I

Smoking was

smoke constantly seeped

luck. Pot

sets of

able to avoid a

my

dad and

and

I

doubles together,

seemed cool

be using the

to

court of the best tennis player in the world.

was

It

turn to serve, but the ball glanced off his

Pat's

racket and hit

my

dad

in the back.

"Goddamn

it,

"

my

father

howled.

He

threw

his racket

net, looking for

and ran

at Pat,

who jumped

over the

When he didn't see one, he his heels as my dad came barreling

an escape route.

just stood there, rocking

on

after him, with his fists up, shouting obscenities.

He struck

stopped just short of beating up

him

had gone too I

far for

house

him

maybe because

me. Always protective of

couldn't stand to see

tainly not

Pat,

that John's parents might be listening.

him

terrorize

Still,

my

them anymore

brothers,

— and

on John's tennis court. He was a guest

—my new

baby's

home

violate with his rages.

I

—which

I

it

my dad cer-

in

wasn't about to

our let

was sick of feeling bullied and

afraid. I

decided right then and there that

I

could no longer tolerate

161

TATUM O'NEAL my

father

him out

—

of

that

my

I

was through with him, done!

was cutting

it

was such a

Hfe.

Yet what mattered

was

public snub,

I

that

more

to him,

because

him out of my wedding.

cut

I

Just before Kevin was

born,

sion of marriage with John.

had reopened the discus-

I

Over

his objections, I'd started

taking instruction from a Catholic priest so

we

the church, as he'd promised his parents.

I

the study, since

I'd

could marry in

actually enjoyed

always had a spiritual bent, even though

I

never reached the point of being baptized.

None John and policies.

of our children I

would be baptized

many

both disagreed with

We

did

either,

because

of the Catholic Church's

briefly with the idea of godparents,

flirt

but

only Kevin ever got one: Vitas Gerulaitis.

The major obstruction prenuptial agreement.

was very

sign

to

our marriage remained the

The document

restrictive,

which was

wanted

his father

a little insulting.

some gold digger who'd latched onto John, but an

my own we his,

money. Yet according

and mine would stay mine,

the agreement because

a

as

talked to a Hollywood lawyer

Though

I

it

was too

if

we

who

—

new baby and

a

unfair.

man who wanted me I

wasn't

actress, with

his

would

stay

weren't even married.

advised It

was

had every intention of resuming

percent of the year,

to

terms of the agreement,

weren't supposed to commingle our funds

I

tic.

to the

I

me

me

not to sign

also unrealis-

my

career, with

touring with

him 60

wasn't likely to be able to work, or at

least not soon.

The whole prenuptial

162

issue depressed me, but

it

didn't

— PAPER LIFE

A

me. John's parents had a certain hysteria about

surprise

When

money.

was born,

fore Kevin

mother

his

and respected —warned me

liked

get

John took time off from the tennis

back

to

about

it

was

from

far

true.

it

if

to "run out of

me and

upset

he didn't

money."

John, and

At the time, John was making

five million dollars a year.

When

John started planning

shortly after the

baby came,

you can buy some diapers

his return to competition,

into their guilt trip.

money

He

make

he'd have to

for Kevin," his

—

"Now

relieved.

mother

told us.

John

street.

didn't

buy

how much more

asked his mother

we

convince her that

were

his parents

You'd think we'd been living on the

to

otherwise really

I

few times that

work soon, he was going

That became her mantra, though of course

—whom

a

circuit be-

million dollars?

five, ten, fifteen

weren't teetering on the edge of

poverty.

When

came

to the prenuptial

agreement, however, John

wouldn't stand up to his parents. As

my pregnancy progressed,

it

he grew more entrenched, insisting that

had

I

to sign the

agreement or there would be "big problems between "

I

wrote in

much. There to.

...

I

is

want

my

diary: I'm trying not to let

too

much

to stay

what means the most

Once I had

to

rest

wanted

love

to give

and

him

mother and father caring life

—an image

own

too

my

of

life.

That's

Kevin, the pressure to get married increased

overwhelmed with I

me

me.

especially from within me. Breast-feeding

him.

affect

he haipyy ahout and to look forward

with John for the to

it

us.

that

my

tiny baby,

the desire to nurture

the security of a stable for

And

I

felt

for

me

because of

even closer

felt

home, with

him who were bound together

was ultracompelling

neglect in childhood.

I

and protect

to

a

for

my

John, more

163

TATUM O'NEAL strongly

and

lovingly bonded,

miracle of a boy

little I

wanted badly

depth of

we had

to

my longing,

I

at the beautiful

John's wife. Recognizing the

John grew even more adamant that

psychological warfare usual,

looked

I

created.

become

To turn up

the prenuptial agreement.

As

when

— he stopped

had no one

my

in

phistication to marshal lawyers

Johns team, headed up by

the heat, he resorted to

talking to

corner.

who

sign

I

me.

didn't have the so-

I

could beat the Goliath of

Even

his father.

if

wasn't es-

I

my family, they were too unreliable to advise me back me up. On my own, was too emotionally vulnerable,

tranged from or

I

especially having just given birth, to resist John's arm-twisting tactics.

So

I

caved

in

and signed the agreement, with

crossed and hoping for the best. thing or person

have ever loved,

I

myself together and realize great about all the things

I

/ loi'e

told

how good I

have

fingers

John more than any

my

I've

my have

diary. /

got

it

...

1

want

to pull

to feel

to feel great about. Especially

Kevin.

John and

I

got married a couple of

1986, in Oyster Bay.

had on veil,

in a

my

baby

wedding

a dark

suit

later,

on August

with a red

bow

tie.

1, I

grandma's antique wedding dress and, instead of a

a wreath of roses on

my

head. Kevin was utterly precious

tux.

Weird

as

or

the night

164

He wore

weeks

I

it

may seem, no one

was involved

won

the

in

in

any way.

It

my

family

was

like a

came

to

my

flashback to

Academy Award with no one but my

A

grandparents

at

my

My

side.

wedding dress but was too

who had

father,

ill

fin

him

was back

in

for

I'd lost

when

did from time to time

and so was my grandmy dad wasn't invited, it my half-brother Patrick,

then, to attend.

rehab, and

the

to travel

Alzheimer's. Since

living with

me

grandmother had sent

must have been too awkward

who was

PAPER LIFE

I

believe that Grif-

my

track of

mother, as

I

she hit patches of heavy drinking

and drugging. So John's mother took charge of the whole

wedding and reception

together a beautiful

have

to give

Certainly

when

I

her a

of credit

had no clue what

came

it

lot

I

were

do or even what

left

at St.

Dominic's Catholic Church,

its

old stone facade to

streets,

behind police barricades, hoping

catch a glimpse of us. The attention only had about

some mutual

friends.

friend

Andrea

down

the aisle.

breasts,

sure. After the

fifty

My

As

I

felt a little

guests, mostly John's relatives

maid of honor was

said

my

like

ceremony,

in front of the

vows,

an

I

omen

we threw church

felt

my

and

high school

milk leak from

—but

to

smothering.

and John's brother Patrick walked

Feldstein,

which seemed

and kissing

the

during the service. Even our neighbors were out in

packing the

We

foil

thumping and

paparazzi. Press helicopters circled overhead, all

about

a gate-crasher instead of the bride.

which had curtains draped over

force,

off.

I

The ceremony was held

whining

to think

it

my hands, even if it passed into me pretty alienated from the prodid at my own wedding was show

cess of getting married. All if

for pulling

I

out of

totally

such competent ones,

up, as

—and thanks —

to

whipping

wedding. Nevertheless, having the

to creating a

planning taken

affair,

in record time.

of what,

I

me my

wasn't

the press a bone by smiling

for the

snapping cameras.

165

TATUM O'NEAL Back

at the

Mick

house, there was dinner and a band.

Jones of Foreigner jumped up and started jamming and was joined by John and Vitas Gerulaitis. I

had

pump and

to

flush

my

milk

We

down

all

got blasted drunk.

the toilet to avoid pass-

ing the booze on to Kevin.

Then to

come

1

curled up next to

to bed.

so he never

He had

made

it.

my baby

son and waited for John

passed out somewhere

It felt

in the

house,

very odd to be spending our wed-

ding night apart. In retrospect,

where and thrown

we should have eloped

—

just

gone off some-

privately pledged our lives to each other

off the

backbreaking weight of

legal

—and

meddling and

people's expectations. Including our own.

But

when

166

I

I

was determined

awoke

to cultivate a great

the next day as Mrs. John

hopeful

McEnroe.

spirit

FIFTEEN Two for

the

Road

We

got married on

a Friday

and by Monday were on the

road for Stratton Mountain, Vermont, with Kevin and Estella,

our nanny, in tow

have been a sign Instead

—but not

.

.

for our

we were headed

planned

to sit

Open tournament,

for the Volvo

marking John's return from originally

honeymoon. That should

.

his

six-month sabbatical. He'd

out tournament play

both to

for a year,

recover from burnout and to step up his training, but he had

changed

On

his

mind.

— was an —but he was now up

the tennis court, John

ate, intuitive,

even magical

artist

fiercely passion-

against a

new

who were

ath-

disciplined, with strength

and

breed of players, some barely out of their teens, letes, first

speed on

and foremost; highly their side.

natic Ivan Lendl,

one ranking

Modeling themselves on the workout

who'd sadly knocked John out of

in 1985, they

his

fa-

number

were changing the way the game of

tennis was played. I

wondered

when we

first

if

John was

got together he

truly ready.

I

remembered

was so burned out

that he

was

most phobic about competing. "Are you crazy? he'd say "

168

that al-

when

PAPER LIFE

A

came

the subject

unspoken

up. often because of remarks or

pressure from his parents. "You want

me

to go

back

to that

crazy rat race?"

During the

seemed

—

it.

his

1986 sabbatical, he always

so relieved not to be playing. Certainly he'd

enough money like

months of

six

millions of dollars

Bjorn Borg had retired

at

—

to retire

made

anytime he

felt

age twenty-six, a year younger

than John was now.

But life

just

I

doubted that John could

spend the

really

smoking grass and fooling with

rest of his

As

his guitar.

I

on the

getting ready to get back

the harder

ever lived.

then

it's

up

it

.

.

to

will he.

.

.

.

circuit.

He may

him. Right

and down. He has

He was on

to get

The longer he

doesn't

still

now he doesn't feel up and

excited.

.

.

off,

want

to play,

depressed

that. He's

.

top of the world in tennis in

again, if I can help

takes

he the best tennis player that

After he feels that and

.

my

told

more and

diary: / honestly feel that he's got to start practicing

'84.

And

he will be

it.

John eventually did

start training:

doing yoga, weight

and dieting so much that he

ing, practicing daily,

lift-

lost thirteen

pounds. Then, shortly before Kevin was born, he started to

worry about his corporate contracts, which required that he play an annual forfeit

minimum number of tournaments.

Rather than

those fees, halfway through his proposed year

decided

to get

back

in the

in at Stratton

Mountain,

usually a fairly low-key competition. But instead he

was

he

game.

John thought he could ease back

culture shock. There

off,

a

huge swarm of press

—

went a

hundred

reporters and forty photographers, by one estimate

were treating John's return

as a major event.

into

—who

That jangled him

169

.

TATUM O'NEAL Before the tournament even started, he got so

terribly.

a photographer that he

him

whacked

at

tennis balls at him, hitting

in the leg.

John won the

first

round and made

it

to the semifinals, but

he seemed to be unra\eling emotionally.

and

mad

He

spat at a judge

heaped verbal abuse on his opponent, Boris Becker. Then,

after a very close call that

John considered

him. John was devastated.

unfair,

He was comlnced

Becker beat

that the judges,

his

shows of temper

— the people he'd ever offended by —were gunning him, determined

see

him

bad

other players, the press

fail.

felt so

1

all

my

for

The next few months John only made lost in the first

in the

it

to

for

poor, discouraged husband.

much

weren't

to the third

better,

however.

round of the Canadian Open,

round of the U.S. Open, and then got defaulted

doubles for getting stuck in

traffic

and being

late.

From

being the number one player in the world, he had plummeted,

more than

in just a little his losses

a year, to

number twenty because

and the tournaments he'd missed playing during

of

his

break.

John was miserable.

To ries of

qualify for the iMasters, he'd have to play a grueling se-

back-to-back tournaments. So

we

hit the

Angeles, San Francisco, Scottsdale, Arizona

on

a roll,

was

still

winning

really

In Arizona

three.

That got

reported to

my diary:

all

170

hut he

— Los

—and John went

hopes up, though he

mood\ I

concentration before a match. hafrp)',

my

road

is

He

/

have

to get

seems to he so

just getting psyched

wp

to flay.

.

used to John's

dawn and un.

.

This

is

hard

A

on

me

going

ivhen

lasts

it

for days at a time.

when John

to stay this tense,

sion so

much.

This

have got

man to

don't knou^ hou^

I

is

ver\' sensitive,

make an

serving. This career

.

going

and

not going to

wasn't easy.

it

who

feeding tiny Kevin,

Concorde

turned

for the

.

.

five

I

woidd

like

was

I

months

also breast-

old at our next

off to

Europe on the

Open, followed by tournaments

Paris

I

life.

we were

Mexico. From there

stop, Ixtapa,

.

ver\' deeply.

and

last forei'er,

didn't help that

It

take.

him

affect

I

it's

to relax. I feel his ten-

much more I can

the next three years to he the best of his

But

wonder how long

I

.

he kind and helpful and un-self-

effort to

is

is

.

PAPER LIFE

in

Antwerp, Belgium, and London. John's parents came along, adding another layer of pressure.

The

up when John

strain built

started losing.

me

ing up fines and pinning the blame on

once that he'd deliberately blown badly

I

affected his play

if

I

match

a

He was

—even

to

rack-

claiming

show me how

was cranky, disagreed w ith him,

or

failed to say "good luck."

When

John

finally lost to Pat

astated. Intellectually defeat, but

was I

all

my

I

I

knew

Cash

that

London,

fault.

at the

wrote John a

letter,

was dev-

belief that

New York ahead

After fl\ing back to

holed up with Ke\in

I

couldn't have caused the

I

was tormented by John's apparent

it

of John,

Carlyle Hotel rather than return

to our apartment. Guilty, defensive, I

in

and miserably depressed,

which ended, "Don't

my weakness

let

ruin your tennis ..." I

later,

never sent

we

it,

and when John came

reconciled.

Still,

worry that John might be for his losses;

I

found

right

maybe even

—

it

hard

that

to get to

a

few days

shake the irrational

maybe

for toppling

me

I

was responsible

him, the

man

I

loved,

the best tennis player in the world, from his rightful place at

171

TATUM O'NEAL number guess,

one. Just

what

which made

spell I'd cast to

worse.

it

It

was

make him

I

had our honeymoon

I

couldn't

I

a very heavy load to carry.

Finally, at Christmastlme, four months married, John and

fail,

have a hilarious picture of us on that

in

after

Sun

trip,

we were

Valley, Idaho.

with

me

holding

six-month-old Kevin and John staggering under the burden of eight heavy suitcases.

I

Id even brought along

my

cat, Tatiana,

dentally leaving her at the airport

loaded into the

car. It

was missing, but

much

always traveled with too

was

a

when back

our bags were

all

few hours before

luckily, after driving

luggage.

and v\ound up acci-

I

discovered she

in a panic,

found

I

her safe in the airport lost and found.

We

stayed at the house John

owned

in

Sun

Valley, a rustic

and charming three-bedroom cabin with beamed wood-paneled fireplace.

We

filled

my

teeth!

More

walls, brick-colored carpeting,

and

had fun decorating a big Christmas

ceilings,

a big stone tree,

diary with snapshots of Kevin in front of

also devoted a page to

my

captioned Jo/zw

years, surprised

I

loved.

in a

moun-

good mood.

me

a beautiful

ruby-and-diamond

He had

wonderful

taste and, over the

For Christmas John gave

which

I

husband, pasting up a shot of him

looking pensiv^e, against a backdrop of snow-covered

bracelet,

I

{Two

sketching big, loopy hearts in the margin.

hair!),

tains, jokingly

it

and

me with many wonderful and generous

gifts of

jewelry.

On cause

it

Christmas Eve, we went

was John's

first

he was zipping past

172

skiing,

which was

a blast be-

time. Amazingly, just three days later,

me down

the mountains.

I

loved that.

It

— A

brought back

all

the reasons

and quick

his physical grace

And

drive.

We

had

1

originally fallen for

and

he was so cute!

were

our old selves again, enjoying our baby and

like

when we used Invaders.

him

intelligence, his bravado

each other, laughing together the way we had back

needed

PAPER LIFE

to race

was

It

for the

home

like a

Malibu,

couple of kids to play Space

— the antidote we —and an affirmation of our

happy time

a sweet,

misery of the tour

in

just

marriage.

On December 4, first

my

told

I'd

diary, Started

my

period today

—

time in sixteen months.

Then

—boom! —

^just

honeymoon,

When

two weeks

later, in

Sun

Valley,

found out and told John, he was stunned.

I

on our

got pregnant.

I

He

sat

me down and demanded

to

wanted another baby. Not

that either of us could have faced

know whether

terminating a pregnancy, but that's

was on

tennis.

He was

how

I

was

totally

positive

I

focused John

desperate to redeem himself after the

letdowns of 1986. I

ship.

was worried too because of the rockiness of our crossed

It

my mind

that

jealous because, from the clear that It

I

I

me

I

risking

making John

moment Kevin was

a

new

reason to

live,

born,

it

a bit

was

a true purpose. Just hear-

was pregnant had already sparked

and welcome So

was

cared more about motherhood than anything else.

had given

ing that

I

relation-

told

for the

him

new

my feelings

of love

child.

yes.

"There goes 1987," John

said.

173

TATUM O'NEAL

It

was a very

John went back out on

stressful pregnancy.

me

the circuit in January and pressured

when Kevin had some

time

Estella's help,

city to city

home

in

my own

while coping with

prohlem thing

I've

got to

cherish John. That's

needs

me now

change

Even with

early-pregnancy exhausfought, and

I

my

stayed

I

diary for being irritable: This

actually possess.

I

.

.

.

Vve got

to love

hut he doesn't feel that

I'm.

hehind him. Vve got

spilling out at

home. One

for the first time, the

Luckily,

it

missed

Around

that time,

It

was

I

had

my

was

heart that

folding chair at me.

a miscarriage scare. Believing

when

Still,

1

felt

and

was on him and how

to

was throwing

him

I

was

af-

at straws.

as he scrambled to

off his

it

game. His back,

fix

what-

hip,

shoulder ached from old injuries, so he kept trying out

174

I

my

accepting

the bleeding stopped

he was grasping

went out

to

John never stopped complaining

the pregnancy

fecting his playing.

Yet

wrote him a hurtful,

woke John up

a blessing

was back on course.

how tough

1

—but not by much.

could lose the baby finally pregnancy.

came

wooden

night, after

fault-finding letter, he threw a

it

to

that, don't 1?

fury he was famous for venting on the tennis court

ever

and

what marriage and commitment mean. He

John kept losing matches, and now,

about

a

is

The same

the spoiled hrat side of me.

fix,

my dad,

hate in

I

along, at a

New York.

scolded myself in

I

come

couldn't imagine lugging an ailing baby from

I

and morning sickness. John and

tion

to

inevitable infant virus.

and

new

A

He

masseurs and chiropractors.

even spiritual advisers, some of like influence that

back on

— fellow tennis

downtime he had with

Though

I

eling so

much

Now

that

—and One

my own on

that

it

was hard

was pregnant,

I

my

strengths

about the posse, even

him

spend what

to

me and

little

Kevin.

both coasts, we were

keep up with them on

wanted more than ever

trav-

a reg-

be with

to

I

keep

tried to

my

in

that I'm not

the ability to find the funny side

is

of difficult situations, so

me and

to

have him be reassuring.

to

of

and assorted sycophants.

couldn't develop the kind of circle that John had.

I

I

disapproval of his posse of

his pals, instead of with

had friends of

ular basis.

in

my

players

me when John wanted

often upset

him

have a guru-

to

resented. John was really struggling to get

also fought to suppress

1

new coaches and

whom seemed

top.

male friends It

I

took on

PAPER LIFE

diary.

John

my

sense of

humor

says he's disappointed

what he expected,

so I'm going to tell

he wants a disciple he should have married one of his

if

tennis buddies.

However, when John was on the road, he definitely

wanted

him

me

with him. Then, in direct contradiction,

conferences explaining that his game was off be-

in press

cause

it

was so hard coping with

Worse lost.

yet,

a family.

he was growing increasingly punishing when he

During the 1987 French Open, when he was having

ficult time,

he forced

me

into a chair, circling

raged, "You haven't supported

nancy. You need to look It

could

was fire

hear

I'd

as

if

it

up

he believed

him up

or

— I

make him

me

me

one day during

the word

a dif-

while he this preg-

support."

knew some magic words win.

Of

course,

I

didn't.

that I

be-

175

TATUM O'NEAL gan to recognize that there was something pathetic

—

pathological

on making

in John's insistence

me

—even

the scape-

goat.

On one

leg of that trip,

John was going

to fly to Diisseldorf

with Ke\an and Dimitria, another nanny, leaving

Rome Morgan. He

me

Florence and sightsee with

behind

my

drive from

to

Vicky

got to the airport only to find that

Kevin's passport. That

was

a

to

friend

I still

had

major trauma because the private

plane was stuck for hours on the runway while John sent

someone

me down

chase

to

made an honest

in Florence. I'd

mistake, being pregnant and weary, but to John such slipups

were acts of pure sabotage. He made with bouts of anger and what

trip

me

pay the

rest of the

hated even more

I

— cold

silence.

At ally

I

least

was

had Vicky along,

I

totally isolated

shunned me, both because shy to cultivate strangers

telling

finger than

1

was

The other

socially

winner and

Diane Sawyer,

Lendl has

of allies. So

I

tour.

—and because

rious for being a gloating

one point

to serve as a reality check.

on the

in his

"I

awkward

of John.

Usu-

tennis wives

—often

He was

noto-

a bad, arrogant loser

have more talent

whole hand."

He

in

too

—

at

my little

didn't have a lot

would be alone and completely vulnerable, the

captive victim of his moods.

When that

my

I

wasn't traveling with John,

pregnancy family.

and Griffin

I

in

seemed

ber 1986, he stood

176

spent

much

of

Malibu, perilously close to the toxic orbit of

was only sporadically

still

I

to

trial for

be

in a

in

kind of

reckless

my

mother,

freefall. In

Decem-

touch with

and negligent operation of

"

A PAPER LIFE a boat

and boat manslaughter

pola.

Fortunately,

death of Gian-Carlo Cop-

in the

he was acquitted of the manslaughter

him

charge, which could have sent

to prison for five years. In-

was placed on supervised probation

stead, he

months, with drug

testing,

and required

to

dred hours of community service. Then,

Coppola family

for eighteen

perform four hun-

May

in

1987, the

and seven other

filed a civil suit against Griffin

people for negligence leading to the accident. I

never heard the outcome of the

my

aware of

but

civil suit,

father's reaction to Griffin's legal

fucking murderer,

he screamed

"

at

my

1

was

all

too

problems. "You

brother.

"Look what

you've done to us.

Even on probation. trouble.

He

Griffin couldn't

He was

John and

him from being

I

off to a

rified for Griffin.

— and escaped from —

new psychiatric

drunk

under

He seemed

my

father's

Habilitat

facility in a strait-

helped out with some of his

totally

like

and having a sawed-off shotgun

sent back to

and then was hauled jacket.

to stay out of

kept getting arrested for infractions

driving, possession of drugs, in his car.

seem

bills, to

thumb, but

I

keep

was

ter-

be on a collision course with

to

suicide.

As

for

my

father, I'd

managed

his abusive visit to Oyster Bay.

long, bitter letters, enclosing

prove that he deserved to get off drugs

Then

I

if

my

news

clips

attention.

I

to

sending

about himself, as

him jogging on

the beach

—always passing our house with

away

straight ahead. Softening, finally,

I

me

if

to

wrote back urging him

he expected to recover a place in

started spotting

four miles

to resist contact ever since

But he'd taken

asked him

my

—he

life.

lived

his eyes fixed

in.

He was thrilled to see Kevin, who kissed him. He worked on my guilt about not having him at my wedding to the point

111

TATUM O'NEAL that

fantasized about having a second, Los Angeles cere-

I

mony where my invitation to

come back and

pecially care to see, at

Then he wangled an

family could celebrate.

whom didn't eswhom didn't know

bring Farrah,

and baby Redmond,

I

I

all.

That

invitation sparked

When

ever had.

one of the worst

fights

John and

coldly and, without a word, stalked out of the room.

I

trailed

confused and wanting his advice, but he refused

after him,

I

asked what he thought, he turned away

I

to

answer. John's withdrawal

opened the

floodgates.

I

burst into

—

my months of frustration of needing John throughout my pregnancy, of feeling overwhelmed by the problems of my brother and parents, of trying to be encouragand

tears,

all

ing and strong but being rewarded with John's accusations or icy silence, of being

the plate

blamed because John couldn't step up

and take responsibility himself

streaming out.

been married

I'd

for losing

—came

than a year, and

for less

to

I

felt

disillusioned to the point of hopelessness. "I'm leaving,"

He

I

told him.

didn't react right away.

the couch, sobbing until he stairs.

We

I

went downstairs

came stomping

his

my

back so hard

I

down

the

was

afraid

it

my arm and yanked would

dislocate.

it

With

hand gripping the back of my neck, he shoved me down

onto the couch, smashing glasses on,

gasped I

178

angrily

on

launched into an incoherent war of words, scream-

ing at each other until John snatched

behind

to sleep

my

face into the cushions.

and they were cutting

into

my

I

had

my

eye sockets as

I

for breath.

freaked out. After growing up with a violent father, noth-

PAPER LIFE

A

ing terrified

me

nant. "Stop!"

I

much

as

"You fucking

me," John

listen to

said. "If

You wouldn't have a

—

get your kids

was

I

just try

how

try to leave

hear

me?

leg to stand on. You'll never

Tatum."

it,

shaken the next morning, when John launched

still

into a litany of

him,

you

You know the kind of assholes who

the question!

raised you.

was preg-

I

Do you

here, you are not taking Kevin or the baby.

Answer

And

as physical brutaHty.

"The baby!"

cried.

my

selfish

I

failings

—what

how

was,

I

my

a drain

didn't abide

family was on

by his decisions.

"You need to follow the leader!" he insisted. struck

It

who

to

me

then

my mind

didn't treat his

deserved.

If his

father

what

meant

for

that

As we in to the

was

battled on

and

model,

happy!

for

him

I

told

had

off for the rest of the in John's

—but my

.

.

.

wonder

I

tuned

demands: "Can't you

He

doesn't need

it.

give

We

And "Make

happy?"

diary, a frustrated emotional

that can't hear the thought of losing or retiring.

mare

to

week,

I'm your husband."

Why can't you make me

He's a wreck,

I

future.

of the love you give to Kevin?

can get nannies

his father,

mother with the respect she

his role

my own

rhythm of despair

me some me

how much John resembled

It's

for a dream, that he's already accom-plished.

wreck

a night-

Why more

suffering for something he doesn't enjoy?

In

my

heart of hearts,

ing to love in

an unloving

and sometimes

it's

hard

to

I

helieve that I'm doing

situation.

my dad

is

—never came

our terrible fight

to pass.

He

provocative, threatening remarks that

—

called I

try-

a ton of negativity

remain innocent and not

Ironically, the catalyst for

from

There

good and

hitter.

a possible visit

and made such

slammed down

the

179

TATUM O'NEAL phone. Then courage to I

still felt

I'd

new

vvTote

him

but saying that

I

already had

baby, who'd be

my hands

I

had an ultrasound and knew vigorously

wait to introduce

knew

him

he'd get a

we were naming Good

all

lethargic,

to Kevin,

huge

filling

thrill

night, Sean, I love you,

—

there's

I

knew

I

it.

was having a

boy.

was so excited

I

I

in

my

arms.

I

at the

couldn't

who was

so adorably playful

out of his

new brother, whom

know

I

wrote.

something you ynust

that you

I

feel

you kicking so

night, dear Kevin, I love you too

with constant reassurance.

same —and

180

that

Sean.

mayhe you heard me. Good

And John

—

wasn't ready

I

the time now, and though

thought of seeing him and holding him

I

having the

with John, Kevin, and

full

coming before

was growing huge and

that

for

the scars of the past too acutely.

could feel him moving I

him

a letter thanking

try to reconcile

Besides, the

I

ivill

It's all

lack, a hole that

right

now.

1

love

come out a good man.

.

.

.

needs

you the

SIXTEEN The Colony

On September was born

in

23, 1987, our son Sean Timothy

New York City.

perience with Kevin,

Id gotten a

who was born

nia birthing room. This time,

New

hospital,

I

felt

my ex-

spoiled by

comfortable Califorin a

conventional

York University Medical Center, and had nine

Still,

was once again I

in a

was induced

hours of such intense pain that bly wrong.

little

McEnroe

a

I

1

feared something was

hung tough without

anesthesia,

wonderful birth coach.

When

it

terri-

and John

was

all

over

very brave and proud of myself and, of course, utterly de-

lighted with Sean.

John immediately went back out on the stayed in

my

New

York

to settle in

circuit while

my new

with

1

baby, dividing

time between our Central Park West apartment and the

Oyster Bay compound.

1

loved

autumn

in

New

York City and

also seeing John's parents enjoy their grandsons in a

more

peaceful setting.

However,

1

did have words with

my

father-in-law on a few

occasions over his sarcastic nicknames for John, such as "Mister

Charm"

or "His Royal Highness."

husband disparaged, but son,

182

and

he'll

always be

J.

my

P.

blew

son."

I

didn't

me

want

to

off, saying,

hear

"He's

my my

PAPER LIFE

A

me

That gave

pause, making

had no

right to object

wife.

It

also gave

John

tick

of his

Of to

and the

own

me

he thought

if

I

might not always be John's of insight into what

made

ferocity of his drive to win, even at the price

and

his wife's

family's dramas.

sons'

—happiness.

moments were nothing compared

My father was

still

me

writing

me of disloyalty and demanding When didn't respond, he resorted

accusing

grandchildren. ing

I

new measure

a

course, such sticky

my own

letters,

—and

me

because

me wonder

I

by phone, slurring his words as he claimed

"1

angry

to see his

to badger-

don't love

you anymore and insisted that he was a good father because "

he'd never "slept" with me.

The sheer absurdity

of his expect-

ing credit for not being a pedophile convinced

me

drug and alcohol use was completely out of control.

I

that his felt

pro-

foundly relieved to be thousands of miles from La-la Land.

November

5,

1987, was

my

twenty-fourth birthday.

arranged a wonderful weeklong getaway for the John, our sons, and our nanny Dimi) at a

Caribbean island of Mustique. While

villa

there,

five

on the beautiful I

made

a

list

self-improvement resolutions for the coming year, which

now

I

of us (me,

of I

see were mostly focused on John:

1.

To do my utmost do with

his life

to

—

help John figure out what he wants to

to fight

with

all

my

might

to give him,

what he needs for all of 1988. 2.

To

offer to

rub John's

feet,

hands, and legs and help him

stretch.

183

TATUM O'NEAL 3.

To avoid talking tennis with John unless he brings

4.

To

try to get

up.

it

psyched about making love (which had been

hard because for most of our relationship

I'd

been preg-

nant or breast-feeding). 5.

To put up with John's friends and

them only 6.

and speak of

his father

in the most positive terms.

To stop drinking

encourage John

to

to stop

(This was the easiest resolution because

was an occasional

glass of wine,

and

drugs of any kind since early 1985,

1

smoking

all

pot.

ever had

I

hadn't touched

when

I

first

started

trying to get pregnant.)

7.

To

stay cheery at all times

depressed, even about

8.

To

start

tionally

he

isn't

I

or getting

my family.

doing something with

my

life

so I won't be

emo-

dependent on John or resentful and angry when around, and

New

Right after the

few hours,

—never complaining

set to

something with

to give

Year,

work on

my

life

"

when

I

to breathe.

could leave Sean for a

that last resolution

—by

—

"to start

doing

my GED. I'd never boosted my sense of

trying to get

graduated from high school, and

accomplishment when

him room

it

really

aced the verbal/reading part of the

I

exam. The math section was something else again, so

I

en-

rolled in a refresher course. I

184

also tried auditing

some

acting classes with a great

coach, Sandra Seacast, just to get a sense of

how

my career.

a half years,

I

hadn't

made

a

movie

in three

and

I

felt

about

and

— PAPER LIFE

A

my

confidence as an actress was shot.

my working again, and away from my children just yet. keen on

found that

1

loved

Still,

—

tors

New

while

I

my

York apartment.

wasn't

wanted

be

to

—and

I

I

I'd

my

was "doing with

boys, of course

—was

renovat-

begun interviewing decora-

was pregnant with Sean and eventually hired

Robert Metzger, gin

I

it.

apart from caring for

ing our

knew John

was curious

I

At the time, though, the main thing "

life

I

wasn't sure

I

whom

what would be

I'd

seen in Architectural Digest, to be-

a two-year project. At

one point, we'd even

have to buy a second apartment, next to John's old bachelor

pad on East End Avenue,

to live in while the structural

work

was under way. So

I

had a

lot

going on in

New York after Sean

was born

overseeing the penthouse apartment renovations and taking

my GED and the

acting classes. Unfortunately, that was exactly

moment when John decided

live in

that he desperately

needed

Malibu, so he could practice between matches.

too tough, he thought, to keep Just a couple of

up

discipline in

months before Sean's

It

to

was

New York. we'd bought a

birth,

beautiful three-story house in the Malibu Colony.

We'd de-

cided that the old Johnny Carson house, which was right on the Pacific Coast Highway, might be too dangerous for two

young children. Our new place was the beach that

in a

gated community on

was jokingly called "Star Central because of

film-world residents.

"

On

one side of us was Jon Peters

s

its

home

and, on the other, Larry Hagman's.

John pleaded with

knew

I'd

me

miss him terribly

to if

I

come

to

Malibu with him, and

stayed in

New York.

I

Besides, the

boys needed him. Kevin was talking enough to ask about John;

185

TATUM O'NEAL and though Sean was nearly four months had a chance

So we

moved

all

Malibu

to

John's twenty-ninth birthday. that

house

tile,

to

be installed

Gary. Inside,

den

for

and

a sitting

I

1

immediately began

While

my

I

to renovate

chose green adobe

mother's ex-husband

created a black-and-white master bedroom, a

room

boy

in

"

in

me,

for

full

of flowery, pink country prints

teased myself, to counteract

I

me.

Malibu,

band Sean Penn,

if

and

John with red leather sofas and a margarita machine,

"little

know Madonna and

got to

I

whom

I

nightclub Helena's.

at the

roof,

by, of all people,

and flounces— superfeminine, the

February 1987, just before

in

needed a new

too. It

John had barely

old,

mind bond with him.

to hold him, never

her hus-

befriended after bumping into them

We bonded when

asked

I

she was letting her hair grow, and she said, "Yes

Madonna

—and no

more bleach!"

The ning.

I

four of us

met

for dinner at

loved hearing about the

La Scala the very next eve-

new David Mamet

the-Plow,

which Madonna was heading

Center

New York.

in

She asked

me

all

do

off to

about

play,

my

at

Speed-

Lincoln

boys, confid-

ing that she and Sean were hoping to get pregnant within a year.

She

told

me

that she never did drugs, apart from an oc-

casional toke of grass, and never drank

had great skin and

given birth to Sean,

spare

tire,

I

186

I

was

still

and Madonna offered

sonal trainer,

Rob

—and

a terrific dancer's body.

it

showed. She

Having recently

plagued with a postpartum to set

me up

with her per-

So

was shocked

Parr.

found her tremendously

inspiring.

I

— A PAPER LIFE when, a few days

Madonna

later,

told

sometimes feared

so violent that she

"You need to be happy,"

me

that

Sean Penn was

for her life.

told her. "You can't let a

I

peramental actor bring you down. Your

tem-

too good to

spirit is

break."

The more

I

saw of

Madonna could

her,

hold her

however, the more

own

in

any

flew

when John and

their

house

rior

in

decorators

—

making small

Rebecca's, sparks

talk.

Madonna

let

inte-

loose a

about decorators, which seemed

me wonder

mind her tough

didn't

had

began asking routine questions about

I

^just

and made

overkill

at

Carbon Canyon, whether they were using

of expletives

string

When we

scuffle.

dinner again the following week, this time

believed that

I

talk,

if

like

she and Sean were feuding.

wasn't used to being around

women who were

as driven

I

He

but John got quite combative.

and

hard-assed as he was. // / ever

had an

idol, she's

it,

I

told

months went on and Madonna kept York,

saw more

I

talked about trying to that

apart.

you.

.

.

make time

New When she

me

from

could be.

to get pregnant,

recorded

I

.

.

and Sean

You need

see eye to eye or

it

on the same wavelength.

to he

will rip .

.

.

you

And you

become more patient with yourself and everyone around

to .

fierce she

But as the

diary.

often told her, either frankly and indirectly, Don't have a

I

child unless you

need

how

clearly

my

calling

.

You

can't keep lashing out all the tim.e

when you have

a

child.

But First of

maybe

in various all,

ways.

she inspired

too serious,

for,

Madonna was

me as

to get serious

was never one of

L.A.,

where being thin and beautiful was

to

me.

about working out

John would say

my

ation

huge help

a

strong points.

in his book, I

all

moder-

had grown up that mattered

—

in

to

IS7

I

TATUM O'NEAL the point that to

my own mother

speed trying

my

cluding

developed a Hfelong addiction

John had also been goading me,

my need

me

Now ing,

I

—

wasn't long before

It

I

lost

nancy weight and then some, cally emaciated.

my

muscle on

My

weighed

I

1 1

for a

my

5

couple of hours every

twenty pounds of preg-

because of overexercising.

was thin

the

I

at

its

—

again, with

at

cried.

I

was so

relieved that

me and want

me. But

I

—

ICM, Fred

William Morris, and Jane Berliner

actually believe in

In

sur-

Madonna's inspiration

got callbacks saying they were interested,

phone and

toll.

wind up needing knee, back, and neck

I'd

started meeting with agents: John Burnham

Westheimer

practi-

five-foot-seven frame.

gery,

When

was

I

workout obsession would eventually take

I

still

pounds, with nothing but lean

come

Once

was

met Madonna, baby Sean

to the point that

years to all

I

sprinting four miles, bike rid-

and working out with Rob Parr

day.

me

ready.

went exercise-crazy

I

hinting, then getting

resisted because

I

breast-feeding, but by the time

was

loss.

eating ice cream not long after

Sean was born. At that point

1

first

in-

drop the baby weight— slapping

to

on the butt when he saw

was weaned and

knew,

I

and Farrah, was obsessed with weight

father

pushy about

Everyone

to achieve that standard.

I

at

CAA.

hung up

someone might

was

also scared to

death.

By the time actor

188

— my

I

met John,

natural voice

I

was already

feeling lost as an

and self-esteem had been beaten

— A down by my

abuse, and being untrained,

father's

my

the craft to compensate for

man who saw me

ried to a

he actually belie\ed that

me get a grip

hadn't helped

My chief

source of

appendage

—

uas responsible on who

identit}'

PAPER LIFE didn

t

have

sense of emptiness. Being mar-

as an 1

I

—

I

was

to the extent that

for his failures

Tatum.

as a person, as

was being the mother of Sean and

Kevin.

So

I

was feeling

on auditions. Id

prett\ fuzzy

sit in

and tentatixe when

the car beforehand, fighting

sea,

from sheer nen'es.

that

my

When

came time

it

hands wouldn't shake, that

sweat, or

I

went out

down nau-

to read,

prayed

I

wouldn't break out in a

—my worst nightmare—completely choke.

vinced that the directors judging

I

me had huge

I

was con-

expectations

that Id be stunning, brilliant, etc., instead of merely good,

because of

my

long Holly^vood tenure.

I

the youngest in film history! Certainly

was an Oscar winner, I

had enormous and

paralyzing expectations of myself. Early on,

got excited

I

had a shot

that

I

Man

— not only

with "Dust},'

when Dustin Hoffman suggested (Tom Cruise s

at pla\ing Iris

my girlhood

passion,

dream. Ultimately, however,

it

girlfriend) in

would be

didn't

pan

fulfilling a lifelong

out.

Other defeats

lowed, including Lonesmne Dove,

Men

Woman.

couple of plays

I

was considered

for a

For a while

my

best prospect

the audition scene

one reference

to

my

seemed

to

and delivered

—

to

Lulu and,

no

avail.

be Miami Blues.

my

lines

it

up.

"From

I

without

pages, and in such a good southern ac-

cent that the director, George Armitage, asked where

picked

fol-

Don't Leave, and Pretty

thanks to Madonna, Hurly-Burly by David Rabe

memorized

Rain

break but also because working

for the career

my

mother,"

I

I'd

said proudly.

189

"

TATUM O'NEAL When

was done, Alec Baldwin, the male

I

clapping and said, "Now, this

lead, started

a real actress!"

is

George added, "And you and Alec have so much chemistry that we'll have to keep

"Not me!

So ter I

felt

1

'

hopeful, even though Ally Sheedy was reading af-

me. Later Alec

which went

John that he couldn't understand why

told

turned out, neither Ally nor

it

I

had

to

way

make

to

Of course,

1

it

I

knew

my

work

diary is

to

I

my

reviving

career wouldn't be

gave myself

little

to protect

own woes.

had vowed

I

my

The

talks:

my

John from

already ambivalent about

preoccupied with his

pep

put real heart and energy into

DID my best

He was

anxieties.

got the

brace myself for rejection and fight succumbing to

discouragement. In only

I

to Jennifer Jason Leigh.

That was tough, but easy.

apart.

swore, laughing. "I'm a married woman."

I

was so nervous. As

part,

you

it!

career

working and

to tour as little as

possible in 1988, since our travels the year before had been so

me

disastrous to our marriage, with John blaming

match he getting

lost.

him

Besides, with Kevin getting older,

into preschool,

and

I

I

for every

had

to start

was overseeing the renova-

tions of our houses. Still,

all

when he was on

that spring,

would phone, raging and blaming "downfall, insisting that "

"When "and

I

now

dragging

190

met you I

I

for

what he called

my selfishness was

down."

all

the

way

up.

I

his

ruining his career.

was on top of Mount Everest," he

have to climb

me

me

the circuit, John

can't

do

it

told

me,

with you

"

PAPER LIFE

A

When

he wasn't ranting, John was coldly

and

critical

snide, full of put-downs.

He's not even clear on

what

I've

actually done,

I

—

complained

my diary. He's so confused and hurt and angry and it's all diI question how long I can withstand this without rected at me lashing out. He has his mind set on making me the culprit. When John was home between tournaments, he was to

.

.

.

.

.

.

and resentful

sullen

so he could

if

I

didn't have a

command my

full attention.

compete with the children besides, they

John was

needed him.

off playing the

Kevin asking plaintively

nanny constantly present

I

—

that

I

was

it

warned him not

to

And

a losing battle.

threw Kevin a birthday party while

French Open, and

— missing him,

I

loving

have a tape of

him

—"Where's

my daddy? It

was during

this

on steroids because

was so

erratic.

time that

his

I

suspected John of being

first

moods swung

wildly and his behavior

Sometimes he bullied me

physically, jerking

my

neck, or grabbing

arms up behind

my

back, squeezing

nose between two of his knuckles and twisting so brought tears to

my

eyes.

way

At the end of 2003, John would

the press that for six years he'd

been given

the legal kind they used to give horses

was too strong even

in a

"a

my my

that tell

form of steroid of

— before they decided

for horses," without

it

knowing what he was

taking.

We

tried counseling, but

He

instincts.

it

only brought out John's

killer

thought he was scoring points whenever the

therapist took his side

and started focusing

less

on the

dia-

logue than on winning.

But as

member

is

I

wrote

in

that I'm

my

diary:

One

of the things for

me

to re-

young and John's young, and we've gone

191

TATUM O'NEAL through more in terms of

The

know and

kids

counts.

I

have

riod in his

to stick

whole

When John

experience than most people.

life

and

love John,

now

hy him

do too

I

because

this

—

.

that's all that

the hardest pe-

is

lost his second-round match was devastated.

surprised because he'd been sick with

I

at

Wimbledon

wasn't entirely

some stomach bug

day before. But he couldn't stop flogging himself about the point of being too

ashamed even

to describe the

the

it,

to

match

me.

was heartsick

I

der whether

him

at

hearing John so

down and began

might actually be better

it

complaints about

we

.

life.

that year to Wally Masur, he

to

.

how

hard

the road. Yes, he put traveled, but

—

let's

it

me

face

was

for

to

him, despite

to focus, to

won-

all

his

have us with

through a world of misery when it

—he could be

just as nasty

on

the phone. Clearly solitude wasn't agreeing with him.

He was on

his

way home, and we made

a plan to go off to-

gether for a week, just the two of us. So at the end of June

we hiked and hiked

drove from Malibu to Big Sur, where the mountains, ran easily beat ter

John

races— I was now

— and went skinny-dipping

pond, which was exhilarating.

the kids for so long, but the trip I'd

so strong

I

felt

was

August riage.

192

1,

all

fast that

in a cold

just the tonic

been feeling so estranged from John

him

in I

freshwa-

weird being away from

we needed.

— unjustly accused of —and now

"ruining his career" and even victimized love with

and

we

I

fell

in

over again.

1988: Today

Hooray—we made

it!

is

the second anniversary of our mar-

SEVENTEEN R-e-s-f-e-c-t

Looking back on my life, Not

thing.

for

I

money, though

my

could fully indulge not for fame, which

I

can see it

it

one

as a quest for just

was fun when

had

I

it

and

passion for stylish clothes. Definitely

achieved so young that

member unfamous. Not

which

for love,

I

can hardly luckily

I've

re-

been

blessed with, though not yet the happily-ever-after kind. Not

even

emotional security, which

for

growing up

—

or even later

on

—

to

I

experienced too

know

if

I

little

was missing any-

thing.

The one respect a

—

thing

I've

struggled

my whole

simply, to be treated with a

little

is

dignity. Dignity isn't

word usually associated with Hollywood, and aspiring actors

certainly get a lot

more

rejection than respect. That's

things were playing out for

1990s.

I

me

in the late

did get a role. But

I

saw

a constantly touring

kickstarting

I'd feel

I

could accomplish something on

my

stronger and better about myself and

how

husband

my career both

of personal fulfillment and as a strategy to shore riage. If

how

1980s and early

continued to audition, even while wondering just

I'd juggle two young boys and

194

to get

life

as a

up

own,

I

if

I

means

my

mar-

believed

more equipped

A

to resist

furies I

being sucked into the quicksand of John's deepening

and depressions.

was auditioning so

badly, though.

I

and even got

Weapon

Though John was

good suggestion: that

leery of

1

That

III.

Demi Moore)

up

Fox

J.

New York Times

noted,

"Its

Fifteen

and Getting

teenagers. Later that

my own

Straight,

in

for playing

Future mo\ies)

would seem

poems.

stealing a friend's

for as

it."

set

comedy

Vincent Canby of the

also

I

made

a drug-rehab

in

ironic, as

if I'd

is

that a

movie.

a T\'

unit for

been back

to

future.

Determined

my

skills.

to beat

discouragement,

Back

New

cast's topflight acting

My fellow students sica Lange,

with

known

to the

only distinguishing feature

mature Tatum O'Neal appears

and

in

York,

1

1

kept trying to de-

enrolled in Sandra Sea-

workshop, which met three days a week.

included

Don

Johnson, L\Tida Carter, Jes-

Isabella Rossellini.

do a scene from Chekhov's Three

was assigned

to

Don

my

placing

mortified at

me

Back

in the

But the film was widely panned,

I

few inde-

did land a part in Little Noises, an independent

Michael

Rene

all-out for the big studio movies.

young man who courts fame by

velop

to

he did make a

slowly, doing a

featuring Crispin Glover (at that point best

as a

went

role

my aspirations,

try to build

pendent films before going

the father of

Blue

as far as screen-testing for the female lead as a

tough-gal cop in Lethal

Russo.

My

read for

Heaven, Dogfight, Mortal Thoughts (losing out to

I

PAPER LIFE

lover.

He was

Sisters,

grossly flirtatious.

I

was

the w ay he kept grabbing and hugging and kissing

in front of the class

Then we were

and

calling

me

at

home.

paired up for a sensory awareness exercise,

exploring each other's faces with our fingertips for

many

long

195

— I

TATUM O'NEAL minutes.

made him

It

my

face in close to

tremble, he told me.

He

kept

tilting his

my

neck, so he could deeply inhale

per-

fume.

The whole encounter made me queasy. Even when was

single,

dallying

I

never went

— not

that

spouse and a parent pal

Melanie

was

I

—and

But Don,

me, was a

like

his wife, of all people,

whom

Griffith,

kind of

in for that playing-with-fire

a prude.

my

was

and divorced

he'd married

I

old

in his

youth and recently re-wed.

was

It

all

so incestuous.

Having grown up

knew

turned around. against stars

saw

I

to

cash

in

my own

was auditioning

I

— some

at parties.

confronted

of

whom

That made

I'd

it

started insisting that a surefire

was

I

the other siblings, as well as the parents, aunts, un-

all

and cousins.

cles,

incestuous Hollywood family,

in that

on

his celebrity

history every time

I

directors and competing

for

known

since childhood

—

downright weird when John

way

for

me

by changing

to get

movie

my name

to

roles

Tatum

McEnroe. It

hurt too.

including

count

It

made me

my

some well-acknowledged

at all

with John.

unforgiving,

I'd

achievements

life

classic

movies

—

didn't

expected to find that attitude in the

what-have-you-done-for-me-lately

Hollywood, but not from I

feel that

my

climate

of

husband.

had dropped out when

I

was nineteen, the middle

ground between youthful and adult

roles.

I

now had

to rein-

vent myself as a grown-up actress against an ever-expanding field of

new

leading ladies like Jodie Foster, who'd achieved

admirable success as an adult, in the

unsuccessful

Yes,

196

I

TV series

ironically, after playing

Addie

spun off Paper Moon.

was having trouble finding

my

feet,

but so was John,

PAPER LIFE

A

own

trying to hold his ers,

and Agassis.

John and side our

I

own

New York art first

We

new breed

against the

of Lendls, Beck-

were both hitting the same

did manage

to find

enjoyment

realm out-

in a

— the

bruising worlds of tennis and filmmaking

scene.

encountered

We fell in with the downtown crowd John

in the early

when Richard Weisman

1980s,

and Vitas Gerulaitis took him gallery-hopping

We

wall.

in Soho.

home

spent some lovely weekends at the Amagansett

of the art dealer Larry Gagosian, hanging out with the painters Eric Fischl, April Gornik,

with other leading

We

Pigozzi,

Richard

among

Salle.

That led

to dinners

of the day, Julian Schnabel and

artists

Francesco Clemente.

Bryan Hunt,

and Davad

went

Serra,

to

openings for

Chuck

Close,

and the photographer Jean

others; as well as dinner parties given by Ross

Blechner, Jann and Jane Wenner, and Yoko Ono.

It

was a

lot

of fun.

Movie something

awed me,

stars never else.

At

first

formal schooling. But

I

I

felt

of course, but artists were

self-conscious about

my

lack of

quickly learned that people in the art

world, unlike those in the film business, tended to be to-earth, patient,

and eager

were fun, besides.

to explain their work.

And

they

got the chance to advance Francesco

I

Clemente's cultural education by presenting him with

some emerging rap

down-

artists,

including

Queen

CDs

by

Latifah and the

Geto Boys. I

really felt that

I

New York in the early exciting

new

was blossoming 1990s.

ideas, so

it

The

art

in the vibrant culture of

world was exploding with

was tremendously stimulating

to

be

197

TATUM O'NEAL involved.

And

it

was

huge

a

relief to

my

tennis as a focus, especially since

have something besides

seemed

career

be get-

to

ting off to a slow start.

Still, to

I

never

second regretted having taken time off

for a

have children. Kevin and Sean were the

and

lights of

wouldn't have missed hearing them say their

I

or watching

them take

role of the century.

voted to them. achieve in

life

My

I

first

words movie

my

loved

boys and was completely de-

if

—what

most wanted

1

to our kids.

my commitment

he didn't resent

But to

arguments

in

which

couldn't live without

Especially

them out

when

of earshot.

me

I

had

at

times

We

but John certainly could.

were babies,

the boys

We

I

hated to have

spent one of John's winter breaks in

own

Valley, not in our

like all the rest of

place

in a

Since Sean had been fussy,

room, but John said no

—

our nanny Estella three

room.

A

Reluctantly, after

few nights

that

flights

much

later, Estella

to tell us that

Sean was

town with

1

wanted

to put his crib in

our

Sean should stay with Kevin and

below our protest,

his friends. Estella

top-floor master bed-

gave

I

in.

came knocking on our bedroom

sick. "He'll

buried his head in the pillow,

198

multi-

house we rented from Barbra Streisand.

story

door

had a

to point out that our children

—which, big modern, our homes, was being renovated — but Sun

1

them, which

he thought deprived him of the attention he needed. lot of

to

mom.

to be a great

John too was a loving parent

wondered

life,

their first steps for the greatest

highest ambition

—was

my

be

fine,"

John said and

worn out from a night on the had Sean

in her arms,

with his

"

PAPER LIFE

A

head slumped

little

and

to

one

side, his breath

burning with

his skin

coming

in rasps,

He'd been having convul-

fever.

sions.

"Oh my God," I

Sean from

said, taking

I

Cradling him,

her.

snatched up the phone and called a Sun Valley acquaintance

whose wife was "It's

a nurse.

twenty degrees outside, she told me. "Take Sean out "

there to cool

him down and then you

him

better take

to the

hospital."

was

I

terrified.

holding him

went back

till

his

snowy night with Sean,

ran out into the

I

temperature dropped a few points. Then

I

and shook John, who woke up grumbling,

inside

"

"What the

"Come him.

I

was

hell

is

on,

wrong?

we have

to take

Sean

to the hospital,

"

I

told

crying.

"Fucking calm down," he shouted. "Fucking pull yourself together."

The whole way hysterical. I'm sure

to the hospital, I

— and

mind

to hear

me

for

being

was, being a young mother in a strange

place in the middle of

was very scary

he berated

it

my

first

big childhood-illness crisis.

certainly didn't improve

my husband

howling,

"Why

my

can't

state of

It

my

you shut the

fuck up? Stop fucking panicking!"

Sean was admitted

to the hospital

croup, a respiratory virus.

room, shaken both by his ing.

I

I

spent the night on a cot in his

illness

and by John's vicious scold-

hated him for not respecting

screaming

at

me

my

What

his

justifiable fears, for

with a sick baby in arms. All

some reassurance and comfort from harped on

with a bad case of

own need

a

I'd

needed was

man who

constantly

for "support.

aw, I doing in this marriage?

I

asked myself.

199

"

TATUM ONEAL

Then again

the middle

in

— baby

Sean,

girls, to

my

I'd told

of 1990,

think

/

started noticing babies

When

be specific.

diary:

I

was pregnant with

I

just as thrilling to have an-

it's

other hoy. I'm not sure I'm ready to have a girl anyway. they're

tough

years old. But

to deal I

when

think

they get to he fifteen or sixteen

ivould like a girl one day. thrilled with the idea,

John wasn't of baby lust

with

I

and

but

1

was

in the grip

also thought having a child might help

marriage. Finally John agreed to go along. That

summer

I

my got

pregnant.

Once

again

I

wanted

had been counseling to stick

my mother

have

me on my

in

my

life.

troubles with John, urging

out. Unfortunately,

when

wound up wreaking

havoc.

it

she often

to

She

me

she spent time with us,

Her

antics

were becom-

ing legendary. I'd

invited her out to Oyster

upon some

painkillers

Bay

in 1989,

John was taking

the bottle then vanished into

where she came

for his back.

She nabbed

Manhattan on a three-day bender,

claiming that she was kidnapped by a limousine driver.

was

It

flair.

don't

me

a hell of a story, delivered with

She was,

after

someplace far away. I

without

my

honey,

didn't

1

What

couldn't

me

wouldn't drive

purse

I

took

tried to

my

purse,

back. So there

— not

I

do

happened? To

and he drove

fast.

And

was, lost in

even change for to

New

.

this day,

I

then he

the phone

. .

I

open the door and jump out

— he was going too

know what

really

mother's usual

the best actor in the family: "Honey,

know what happened. He

of the car, but

200

all,

my

have no clue.

York,

—and,

A PAPER LIFE Another time, she came

when

airport

I

to get

was returning

me and

John had pla\ed an exhibition. She was cranky and argumentative, and picked a

When we

car.

the kids at the L.A.

Malibu from Germany, where

to

reached the house,

fight

with

my

containing

$8,000, paid in cash

When around

had

came

1

—on

I

1

I

called,

I

didn't recognize.

recovered the

I

A week passed

It

had been

rifled

the jewelry

John

At

least she

and

was

its

still

didn't usually

ily

known

I'd ."

.

or

.

"I

man-

street, blind

car. It

that

wish

I

I'd

got

it

drunk,

—

trailed

had her wig on.

still

Then, with the help of the

hospital.

was parked haphazardly, with

contents strewn

there, but the

was

all

my carry-on bag.

over the car. Luck-

money was

comment on such

and then, casting himself only

before he

I

dro\e out to the spot where she'd

the doors open, and there on the front seat

ily,

called

I

with no luck. Finallv

— God onK' knows where she

checked her into the

detective,

—around

out of the house, she was gone.

found her walking down the

pushing a bicycle

by a dog

carry-on

down.

to track her

sighted.

in the

the front seat.

frantically, trying to find her,

The minute he been

my

jewelry and John's earnings

to hire a private detective.

aged

me

brought the kids inside,

I

along with a couple of pieces of luggage, leaving bag,

mood,

in a strange

long gone.

incidents. But

now

in the role of \ictim, he'd say, "If

was marrying

known ahead

into

such a crazy fam-

of time

how

insane your

parents are." Weren't yon listening? w^as

About gency

call

five

from

half-brother

couldn't

months

it,

Griffin.

for

I

could think. I

Redmond, then

make

all

my third pregnancy, got an emerHe was supposed to babysit for my

into

some

six

or

seven years old,

reason. Since

1

was nearbv

in

but

Mal-

201

"

"

TATUM O'NEAL ibu,

me

he asked

ther's

Redmond

go over and pick up

at

my

fa-

house.

At that point, last

to

I

were costarring

my dad in ages, and our He and Farrah co-owned and

hadn't spoken to

encounter had been heated.

in a television series called

Good

S-ports, play-

ing rival anchors on an all-sports network. Real-life athletes

including George Foreman and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar had ap-

peared on the show, and

do an episode.

made no

all

would help knew,

I

Knowing how alone.

John

father

said no,

secret of the fact that he

struggling,

For

When

my

So

I

had badly wanted John

my

father

to

was angry. He'd

hoped the show, which was

revive his career.

my dad was

fuming about the

still

violent he could be,

I

was

rejection.

afraid to go over there

asked John to come with me.

"No, he "

"Please,"

said. "I've got to practice." I

pleaded,

Tm

afraid

something bad

is

going to

happen.

John shrugged, not understanding

my

fears,

and again

said no. Practically shaking,

my

sons in the

car,

I

drove over to

my father's

house, with

thinking the sight of them might appease

him. As soon as the three of us walked in the door,

came thundering out ing here?" he

"The fuck you

me

started

I

"

I

the fuck are you do-

told him.

are.

manhandling and pushing me, I

felt

trying to shove

a wave of contractions in

backed out of the house,

losing the baby.

202

Redmond,

out the door. Suddenly

womb.

"What

father

demanded.

"I'm here to get

He

of his room.

my

horrified, sure that

I

my was

A PAPER LIFE

My sons were crying hysterically, shouting. Then, as soon as

Sean remembered the to

show The

little

thing

I

wanted

was inconsolable. So

When

he saw

I

I

gotten them back in the car,

I'd

painted sword he'd brought along

He had

his grandfather. last

had

my father's

frightened by

to

left

to face

was back,

it

in the house.

do was go back

my

my dad's

but Sean

in there,

more

fury one

time.

father started howling, "John

should have done Good Sportsl Doesn't he

know who

I

am?

Doesn't he read Vanity Fair?"

My

father

been profiled

As

me

I

and Farrah,

in the

as well as the show,

had recently

magazine by Jesse Kornbluth.

mv

searched frantically for the sword,

came

at

home and

to

father

again, yelling, "Get your brats out of here! I

eased back out of the house and got myself

the doctor. Fortunately the baby

was

okav. For davs, though,

couldn't stop crying, both because of

because of John's indifference. alone?

I

How

just couldn't understand

the pain of that

abandonment

it,

ate

my

father's attack

could he ha\'e

let

never mind accept

away

at

me.

I

and

me it,

I

go

and

was so un-

happy.

I

STAYED BEHIND with

John made paper,

I

the kids in

Malibu

a trip to the Far East. Flipping

came

at

one point when

through a tabloid

across photos of John and Billy Joel in

Hong

Kong, apparently out drinking with some U.S. Marines. In one shot a big hand was grabbing at a lens, and in another John

was snatching his film.

a

camera away from a photographer

There was also

a

woman

to rip

out

in the picture.

203

— TATUM O'NEAL called

I

mined not

John

away

right

make

to

what was up but was

to see

mountain out of

a

"What's going on over there?

"

I

asked.

"Oh, Tatum, nothing," he told me.

was

talking about, though.

"You, of

me

all

Was

He knew

just

what

I

that a sign of guilt?

know how

people,

deter-

a molehill.

the press

is

always setting

up."

"And

woman

that

John began

.

.

," I

.

said, as casually as

I

could.

offended by

to sputter defensively, acting

my

implication and insisting that he had done nothing wrong. It

wasn't impossible to believe. Sure, there were groupies

on the tennis

circuit

themselves

any kind of

skirt

at

and

celebrity.

Olympic-caliber womanizing

Still, this

time

there's usually fire.

chose to

I

Around visit

eager to throw his faults, but

chasing wasn't really one of them

—

John was more earnest

but

women

John had

of other

lots

I

I

felt

rect flight a

Hollywood.

at

had an

affair

his word.

a family vacation to

Kenny Margerum, who used

Hawaii

it,

we had

left at

to

to play pro

San Francisco 49ers. There was only one

day to Kona, which

To make

witnessed in

— and more moral.

pretty sure that he'd

this time we took

football with the

I'd

was

certainly not the

smelled smoke, and where there's smoke,

I

take him

John's friend

cisco.

as

—and

di-

9 a.m. from San Franthe crack of

dawn and

— not an

easy task

San Francisco, Kevin asked

to stop in

to get

up

at

catch a seven o clock plane from Malibu

with two small boys. After

204

we landed

in

"

A PAPER LIFE the bathroom.

ahead

took him, while John, Estella, and Sean went

I

Kona

to find the gate for the

Little did

terminal.

I

I

know

that the gate

was pregnant and

flight.

was

in a far-off

wing of the

and four-year-old Kevin

tired,

was on Toddler Time. After the bathroom, he wanted and smell the flowers

in the planters.

me

a beeline for the gift shop, with

started patting the fuzzy

ture cars, silly,

Elmo

let

I

1

made

clutching his hand.

dolls, playing

He

with some minia-

and picking up shiny souvenirs. W'e were

fooling around, until

to stop

him. Then he

just being

thought we'd better mosey on to

the gate.

We

got

on one "moving sidewalk," but by the end of

hadn't even reached the right concourse.

"people I

mo\er"— and

remember

\\

hat

We

it,

we

took another

then a third.

happened next

like

it

was yesterdav.

We were coming off the final walkway with something like fifteen

minutes

to spare

when

tance, lying on the floor. John

ing his head

off.

I

I

spotted

little

Sean

in the dis-

was standing over him, scream-

nearly panicked, thinking Sean had gotten

hurt.

Grabbing Kevin by the hand,

we could for the

gate.

As

I

tickets,

his

hands

started running as fast as

got closer,

tugging at a gate attendant's arm.

and threw

I

I

could see that John was

Then he caught

in the air, bellowing,

sight of

me

"Where's the fucking

Tatum?

"They're in the diaper bag." der. "I told

you where

I

He had

it

slung over his shoul-

put them."

"No, they're not. Stupid!' "John, they're here,

"

I

said, pulling

them out of one

of the

diaper bag pockets.

205

"

'

TATUM O'NEAL Meanwhile, a gate attendant was

calling the police for

backup, while others began closing the door to the boarding ramp. "Great, Tatum, perfect. Take the kids and go

down,"

sit

John snarled. Fighting to keep the door open, he started pushing and

shoving the attendants, ranting

missed

damn

a

fucking

tickets.

.

.

.

flight in sixteen years.

Let us on that plane

The boys were clutching

"Mommy, Mommy" roe, we're putting

at

.

.

Here

.

"I've

never

are the god-

." .

.

me, wide-eyed, murmuring

as the attendant

you under

while,

the

all

announced, "Mr.

citizen's arrest.

McEn-

You can do

this to

other people but not to us.

Then

the police arrived and handcuffed John.

There was

talk of formally

booking John

conduct and harassment. Ultimately, the to press charges. After holding us for lice station,

airline

an hour

they put us on another

for disorderly

flight,

decided not

at the airport

this

po-

one with

a

lengthy stopover.

As we

"Now

started boarding,

John shook

happy with yourself?"

are you

—

me

as

if

who'd made us miss the once-a-day direct

roughly, saying, I

were the one

flight

by getting

bombastic and then arrested.

That disgusted me. the gate had asked,

A woman

who'd witnessed the

"How can you

him? I

206

thought:

/

don't

know

if I

can.

fight at

stand being married to

EIGHTEEN Coming Undone

'

The ROCKINESS of my

marriage eased up briefly after our

sweet daughter, Emily Katherine, was born on

A

May

baby can bring two people together, though not Like Kevin, she

Monica.

in Santa free.

Somehow,

it

came was

It

10, 1991.

for long.

into the world at St. John's Hospital

my

induced

third

was important

me

to

birth, anesthesia

not to dilute the

full-

ness of the experience.

Emily was such a

joy.

The boys were,

loving and jealous, especially Sean,

naturally, alternately

who was

enough

old

at

three and a half to recognize that he'd lost his billing as babyof-the-family. Being a Libra, he

ment, an)'way, than Kevin, taking on

my

my

was more

fiery in

Gemini, who, even

own, all-too-familiar

tempera-

at five,

role as the earnest

was

and

re-

sponsible "oldest child. I

told

carried

my

diary: Last night,

I

didn't yell because he

a sight,

I

must

My

I I

wasn't looking, Kevin realized

what was hap-

was together and unafraid.

It

was

say!

hoys are the greatest!

Sean doesn't feel

208

When

Emily around the room.

fening,

when

left

.

out—and

.

.

But

I

always have to

if I forget

it,

make

sure

he reminds me, with

PAPER LIFE

A

loiid outbursts. I love

The

so

much.

I

have

to

keep

him!

telling

.

.

.

hoys ashed to kiss Emily "sixty times" today.

Not five

Sean

under the age of

surprisingly, having three children

made my

supremely chaotic.

life

/

nursing and they both pounce on me, wanting to face,

wrote.

I

I've

need quiet time

got to say, "This

fess that

I

work

I'm tired

.

.

.

kiss

I'm

Emily's

and you

Emily's quiet time,

too."

But quiet time was

was

is

when

get so stressed

totally .

.

at a

premium. Sometimes

overwhelmed:

.

No

I

had

con-

to

time, three kids, so

much

I'm reading Dr. Spock and trying to get

an

organized

file

of what I'm doing. Man,

from!

The

kids are always doing something: pulling, running,

.

.

.

jumping,

I

have nothing

draw

to

hitting, throwing, biting, spitting, pulling hair. Etc.

John used marijuana and transcendental meditation cope.

He complained

about

made him jealous. But kids with that's

I

felt

could

Halloween to

there were times

in

I

1

to

believe

when he handled

more firmness and patience than

when

We

my nursing Emily, which

the

could muster, and

most partnered with him.

still

have fun too.

New York,

We

celebrated Emily's

first

dressing her up as a puppy Dalmatian

go trick-or-treating in our building. Kevin went as a prince,

Sean was Batman, and John decked himself out

in a

Ninja

Turtle shell.

If

dealing with three

kids at

ing to be even crazier on the road.

home was

I'd

—

even

if

it

promised myself

more with John, both because he seemed out us

tough,

was goto travel

so miserable with-

he blamed us for making him lose

when we

209

TATUM O'NEAL were along school,

—and

which they would soon, we could no longer join him

a family

on the

as

circuit.

took pride

I

once Kevin and Sean started

also because,

in

having done the tough job of getting both

Kevin and Sean into private schools. The top echelon of

Man-

hattan elementary schools and even preschools were as wildly

competitive as Ivy League colleges, and the applications were

almost as daunting, especially for me, a high school dropout. It

was tempting

and

laugh at questions about the "strengths"

to

and

"interests" of four-

"Uh, strengths?

five-year-olds.

Like playing in the sandbox?"

wanted

I

to say. "Interests? Like

firetrucks? Cookies? Popsicles?"

For driven, overachieving Manhattan parents, getting into

even

a prestigious school,

matter of

life

and death

kindergarten

at the

—something

that

level,

was

like a

would supposedly

benefit or haunt the child for years, possibly even into adult-

hood. Having always seen school as a straitjacket myself, didn't

buy

into that obsession.

any parent when

dressed up in their

From

the time

I

I

would be

I

though,

kids in turn got accepted by

sent

I

them

I

I

to hit the cir-

—which made

When my

it

children

did two tours of Australia with John and even

Finland. Cities

became

a blur: Venice,

Florence,

Verona, Paris, Lyon, Diisseldorf, Munich, and more,

210

all

always had a set of bags by

the front door, packed and ready to go.

to

one by one,

was determined

—

went

off,

got pregnant with Emily

tough to look for movie work

were young,

as thrilled as

little suits.

While we could, cuit.

my

three of

all

our first-choice school, and

Still,

I

all

with

TATUM O'NEAL & JOHN McEnroe

niliMElMiMW She was the child star with the painful past. He was tennis's bad boy. Against all odds, their marriage seemed to work. But here is

the poignant story of the family conflict they could noi resolve

People magazine cover, December 14, 1992.

True

love.

The Oyster Bay Catholic Church

iu

Neiv York. August

1,

1985.

COVER GIRL r.()llin(>

oL

(

\ll 1)1 \.

C.Cordon Liddy, The Nark Who Came to Dinner

IMum O'Neal

\l

I

I

Stone

liii s^ oi (

0\1

i!()i

It

;';/

1

INC,

973.

/

siomVuhnnkr

I'llorOCKAPII BV

STEPHKN

1.

Jamaica: The Wild Side of Paradise

Norman Mailer: 'Who's Afraid of Truman CapoteT

Newsweek COURTESY OF

/» 1976. .\£\\

SWEEK

Interview magazine in 1980. I\TERML\V MAGAZINE, FEBRUARY 1980, COURTESY BRANT PUBLICATIONS, INC.

My two sons,

Kevin and Sean, in a rare

photo with their uncle

O'Neal at the

Redmond "Red"

(far right) at the children's table

house

my dad

shared with Farrah

Fawcett on Antelo Road, in Bel California. Circa 1988.

Air,

M)

family photo (the way

1992 just before the

we were hack

split).

in Malihii in

(Left to right)

Sean

Timothy McEnroe, John McEnroe, Emily Katherine

McEnroe, Kevin Jack McEnroe, me, Patrick Young O'Neal, Griffin Patrick O'Neal.

Smiling Kevin McEnroe in front of George Harrison's mansion

England. Boy, we had fun.

in

^^^.

One

my

of

favorite photos.

My son

Kevin

ivitli

the great

Stanley Kubrick at his house in Enghnid.

Tire lo^al tennis wife.

And

thiit little

the left}

uho's

guy nn

(Our

tired

Kevin McEnroe.)

©

APA\ IDE

PHOTOS

WORLD

A

plioto of nie with

dark hair

(age txvetity-fotir) with

Sean and Kevin on the

my

sons

front porch

of the old johnny Carson house.

/

-^\

% Sean and Kevin's favorite picture of their

sister,

New York

Emily. Circa 1994,

City,

East

End Avenue.

PHOTOGR'\PH BY DEWEY NICKS

Reconnecting with my sober mom. We're enjoying the fresh air of Big Sur. Circa 1980.

Al\ eldest son, Kevin. So

tall, s)nm-t,

and handsome. He's headed for college this fall.

Like itiother like daughter. }ny best

Me

Acadeiny Aivard date

and

ever:

Miss Emily McEnroe. Here we are

on the red carpet 2002.

It

at the

Oscars in

was wonderfid sharing

this

experience together. WIREI.MAGE.COM

Mr

handsome son Sean

in

the Dublin airport during

our Christinas vacation year.

last

^ ^^..

Emily and

oiti

last siunnier.

'^^!-,jrP»r^^^w?|2f

Scottish Terrier, Leiin, in Idiiipkins SLjUcire l\irk.

Sew York

City,

Last year in

HoUyuood

at the thirtieth

amiirersan o/ Paper

Moon and

the

was a poignant moinent where my jather and I and my three kids were in a rare photo oppoi-titnity together. My father and / U)ok so uncomfoi-tahle, ivhich makes me so sad. But that picture helow of just me launching of the DVD.

It

and my children hrings me pure, wireima(;e.c