Counseling Toward Solutions: A Practical, Solution-Focused Program for Working with Students, Teachers, and Parents [1 ed.] 0367640910, 9780367640910

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“An indisputable classic in the field—newly updated and more relevant than ever! This book should be read by everyone who works in schools.” Anne Hearon Rambo, professor/director of M.S. Graduate Certificate and Undergraduate Programs, co-author of Doing Well while Doing Good “As Dr. Metcalf says in her introductory note, using the solution focused approach with students and young people isn’t just the application of certain tools such as the Miracle Question but about ‘honoring the goodness in people’ and this attitude informs everything she writes. On practically every page we are treated to fascinating examples of work in schools that clearly demonstrate how we can maintain our hope and respect for our students regardless of the extent of their problems. Dr. Metcalf also puts considerable emphasis on systemic thinking (‘always, always, always involve the system!’), a valuable reminder as to the importance of connecting with teachers and parents. This excellent book will be of great value to everyone working in the field of education.” Harvey Ratner, BRIEF, London, co-author of Solution Focused Brief Therapy: 100 Key Points and Techniques and Solution Focused Practice in Schools: 80 Ideas and Strategies

Counseling Toward Solutions

This book provides a solution-focused approach to working alongside students, parents, and teachers that decreases misbehaviors, encourages mental health and growth mindset in students, and provides social emotional learning opportunities. Grounded in the notion that focusing on problems often leads to frustration when tried and true remedies fail, the book provides an efficient and simple three-step approach to having solution-focused conversations with students, parents, and in response to intervention (RTI) and team meetings. This systemic approach enlists the client rather than the counselor to conjure a preferred plan for success, consequently reducing future counseling visits and promoting independent success in students. Each chapter includes a specific topic that was developed from the issues and situations faced by school counselors today, including consideration for working with all students, including LGBTQ students, and those with traumatic experiences or substance abuse. Complete with specific dialogues for students of all ages, and case studies, this text provides school counselors with a road map to looking beyond problems and seeking solutions with students, creating grit and resilience. Linda Metcalf, MEd, PhD, is the director of Graduate Counseling Programs at Texas Wesleyan University. She is the author of 11 books and an international presenter on using the solution-focused approach in schools. She is a former middle school teacher and school counselor.

Counseling Toward Solutions A Practical, Solution-Focused Program for Working with Students, Teachers, and Parents

Linda Metcalf

Illustrations by Ryan Metcalf

First published 2021 by Routledge 52 Vanderbilt Avenue, New York, NY 10017 and by Routledge 2 Park Square, Milton Park, Abingdon, Oxon, OX14 4RN Routledge is an imprint of the Taylor & Francis Group, an informa business © 2021 Linda Metcalf The right of Linda Metcalf to be identified as author of this work has been asserted by her in accordance with sections 77 and 78 of the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988. All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reprinted or reproduced or utilised in any form or by any electronic, mechanical, or other means, now known or hereafter invented, including photocopying and recording, or in any information storage or retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publishers. Trademark notice: Product or corporate names may be trademarks or registered trademarks, and are used only for identification and explanation without intent to infringe. First edition published by the Center for Applied Research in 1995 Second edition published by Wiley in 2008 Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data A catalog record for this book has been requested ISBN: 978-0-367-64091-0 (hbk) ISBN: 978-0-367-64090-3 (pbk) ISBN: 978-1-003-12212-8 (ebk) Typeset in Times New Roman by MPS Limited, Dehradun

To educators everywhere, remember that the words you say to students will stay with them for a lifetime … say them with empathy and kindness. To my husband, Roger and our grown children, Roger, Kelli and Ryan, you are still my inspiration.

Contents

About This Book About the Author Foreword

x xi xii

PART I

Basics Behind the Approach 1 Learning to Think with a Solution Focus

1 3

2 Creating Possibilities through Language

27

3 Solution-Focused Conversations

52

4 Reviving Piaget: Helping Teachers to Become Solution Focused

74

5 Setting the Stage for Miracles

101

PART II

Applications of the Approach

115

6 Supporting All Students through Challenges

117

7 Grit, Growth Mindset and College Readiness

140

8 Working with Teams and Families

155

9 Rethinking How We Prevent School Violence

175

10 Guiding Students through Dangerous Habits and Crises Index

187 199

About This Book

As the world and schools have evolved, so has this book evolved. In this third, revised edition, readers will find the same practical and simple explanations about what it means to become a solution-focused school counselor, but with the addition of new material on important issues. Since the publication of the second edition, there have been school tragedies that have robbed students, parents and teachers of feeling secure in the classroom. The emergence of school violence has caused everyone in our country to take pause and wonder desperately: “why is this happening?” Social media has become a hallmark in the lives of everyone on a school campus and while many of the opportunities associated with social media have been positive, there have also been challenges. For students dealing with mental health issues, previous, healthier coping mechanisms have morphed into isolative, dangerous ones, leaving school counselors overwhelmed with questions and few answers for teachers and parents. Yet, in spite of these current challenges, I think it is vital to see the strengths of today’s students, teachers and school counselors as they navigate today’s schools. Students are still growing, developing into creative generations that will push progress toward incredible outcomes. Instead of spending lots of time pondering over “why” things have been happening it seems more important to identify the missing links that can connect us together in communities that relate, respect and engage with each other. You may notice the term, “school client” is used interchangeably with the words “student, teachers or parents.” That is due to the similarities of using the model with everyone involved in the schools. Additionally, I have added narrative therapy into the book, a result of my integration of the two models, resulting in a new model, solution focused narrative therapy (Metcalf, 2017). No matter where you work in schools or who your students are, the ideas in this book will provide a launching pad for making things better for all of you. The approach is about honoring the goodness in people, the successes that occur spontaneously at times and being curious about how, systemically, those successes occur With deep affection for you, your students, parents and school communities all over the world, I invite you to read this book and begin to feel that sigh of relief so that your day is filled with possibilities rather than distress.

Reference Metcalf, L. (2017). Solution Focused Narrative Therapy. New York: Springer Publishing.

About the Author

Linda Metcalf, MEd, PhD, is a former middle school teacher, a certified school counselor, a licensed professional counselor supervisor, and a licensed marriage and family therapist supervisor in the State of Texas. She is the director of Graduate Counseling Programs at Texas Wesleyan University, where she developed a solution-focused school counseling program for graduate students. She is an international presenter who has taught the solution- focused approach to educators and clinicians across the United States, Canada, Japan, China, Singapore, Thailand, Australia, Norway, The Netherlands, Scotland, England, and Germany. She is the author of numerous professional articles and the following books which have been translated into many languages: Teaching Toward Solutions, 1st and 2nd editions The Field Guide to Counseling Toward Solutions Solution-Focused RTI Parenting Toward Solutions The Miracle Question Solution Focused Group Therapy How to Say It to Get into the College of Your Choice Marriage and Family Therapy: A Practice Oriented Approach, 1st and 2nd editions Solution Focused Narrative Therapy The Art of Solution Focused Therapy (co-authored with Elliott Connie)

Foreword

If you are a teacher, school administrator, or school counselor/psychologist, you probably remember the sense of excitement you had when you first decided to pursue your career. For some of you, it was a teacher who touched something inside you that inspired your choice. For others, it was a sense that you had something you could contribute to children, and this was a way to do it. But as you acquired more education, training, or experience, some of you might have lost touch with that original excitement or sense of possibility. You may even have become cynical and decided that kids were more unmotivated than you initially thought or that parents weren’t that interested in their children’s education or that school personnel were being asked to fix society’s problems. This book by Linda Metcalf is a powerful way to reconnect with your sense of energy and possibilities even in the face of serious challenges in schools. Reading this book can be like a massive injection of vitamins and minerals, full of hope and solutions for you. Without minimizing the serious problems teachers, school counselors/psychologists, parents, and students face in today’s schools, she gives a practical road map for rapidly solving these problems. This road map doesn’t require massive infusions of federal funding or new students or any other pie-in-the-sky solutions. Instead, it relies on strengths and resources that are already available and dormant within students, parents, and the school. A revolution is going on in the mental health field, which has for so long been a mental illness field. We are finally focusing on health. We have seen dramatic and moving changes in the people we counsel with the techniques and philosophies explored in this book. School is a natural place to use these ideas. Teachers, administrators, and school counselors/psychologists don’t have time to do psychoanalysis with troubled students. Brief, pragmatic, and effective interventions are required. This book has more of those than you need. I got so excited when I read this book that I requested a copy for my son’s third-grade teacher and the new principal of his school. I’ll bet you’ll get so excited; you’ll end up buying and recommending this book to your friends and colleagues. But here’s a warning: this book could be dangerous to your sense of burnout and discouragement. Reading it could cause persistent episodes of hope and enthusiasm in you and your students. Now you’ve been warned. Proceed at your own risk. Bill O’Hanlon, MS, 1995

Part I

Basics Behind the Approach

1

Learning to Think with a Solution Focus

When I first met Nate, two weeks into the new school year, I saw a very anxious 15-year-old who was refusing to attend school. His father, a single parent, accompanied him to the session and was very concerned about Nate’s school attendance. While I never ask why a client comes to counseling, Nate’s father was so distraught that he blurted out his concerns immediately and talked nonstop for 20 minutes about many factors that he believed had caused his son to refuse going to school. He had a lot of theories: his job, Nate’s mother’s departure, social media, and more. He was desperately concerned that Nate’s anxiety kept him not only from school but from having friends and getting out of the house. After listening to Nate’s father, I thanked him for the information and asked them both what their best hopes were for the session: Nate: Father:

I want to go to school but I get this anxiety that makes me so nauseous, from the time I wake up. It won’t go away. I try to go but I can’t seem to get out of the car. I want the best for him and to me, the best is for him to attend a school with other students his age. I homeschooled him last year after we had this same issue come up in September. He seemed good with staying at home. But in the spring, we visited a private school that only has about 300 students in the high school and he liked it. But here we are again, with him not being able to go to school.

Go Slow to Be Brief When school clients (students, teachers or parents) come into my office as distressed as Nate and his father, it is important at first to allow the school clients to feel heard. It has been my experience that sometimes school clients seem to need some time to talk about their concerns and recognize how the issue that brought them to therapy has intruded in their lives. This new addition to my solution-focused work is from narrative therapy, created by White and Epston (1990). Its addition seems to add a rich dialogue to conversations, especially when school clients are upset and not open to talking about a preferred future, yet. This addition to the approach, which I now refer to as solutionfocused narrative therapy (Metcalf, 2017) also helps the school client to get a new view of the problem … that it is not he who is the problem … the problem is the problem. This is referred to as externalizing the problem, which allows the school client to step back and away from the issue, examine it and create a plan of action to defeat it.

4

Basics Behind the Approach

So, together, Nate and I talked about the ways that the anxiety was robbing him of his desire to go to school. I made a long list which included the following: The Anxiety: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8

Kept him from attending school Robbed him of friends Made him sleep too much at home Kept him from talking to his father Made him behind in his schoolwork Isolated him Made him feel badly about himself Upset his father

Once the list was composed, I asked what their best hopes were, and the father said that his best hope was that Nate would attend school. Nate wanted the anxiety to stop happening. I then asked about times when Nate was able to stand up to the anxiety and go to school: Nate:

LM: Nate:

Father:

During elementary school it was better. I was a little anxious, but the teachers took time with me and things weren’t so busy in the hallways. That’s really what makes me anxious. Once I got into a routine, it got better, and I made it through the year. Seventh grade was okay too. This year, I did go to the new school for two days. Really? How did you make it those two days? There is this coach. He teaches history and he’s really, really interesting. I like his class. My English class was okay too. It’s at the end of a hallway and it’s quiet down the hallway. Not many kids. She’s really nice. She just lets us come in and start reading so that’s good. I agree that elementary school was better. He can be a little shy sometimes but once he warms up to people he does well. I think I was different then too, because I made him go. His mother had just left us, and Nate had to go to school because I didn’t have the flexible job I have now to homeschool him. I’m glad to hear that there are two classes that he likes.

I asked Nate to scale where he was in regard to the anxiety, taking him over when he came in that day, using a scale of 1–10, with a 10 meaning anxiety was completely taking him over. He replied that the anxiety was at a 9. I asked how our conversation had possibly helped to lower the anxiety. He said it was then about an 8. We then discussed how he could go to school the next day and continue to stand up to the anxiety. He discussed taking breaks in the classroom, which were already set up by the school counselor. His father said he could be more insistent with Nate in the morning. The next day, which was a Friday, I called to check to see how things had gone. His father answered and said things did not go well that morning. Nate refused to get up and get in the car. I then suggested that we try to meet on Monday with Nate’s teachers, early, before the classes began. I asked Nate’s father to call the school and arrange a meeting for all of Nate’s teachers, his school counselor and principal to meet for 20–30 minutes. I then asked his father to tell Nate that he only needed to go to school on Monday for a short time, for the meeting.

Learning to Think with a Solution Focus 5

A Solution-Focused Conversation for School Refusal The meeting on Monday was initially challenging for Nate. He did come into the school with his father, reluctantly, but when I approached him, he was physically trembling. He said he hoped he did not throw up in the meeting. I assured him that I would not ask much of him in the meeting and that I only wanted him to listen. My plan for the meeting was to use a solutionfocused conversation process consisting of three steps: 1

2 3

Identify the best hopes of everyone present, including Nate, his parent, teacher and administrator. Develop together a preferred future, described by Nate’s teachers, parent and Nate. Discuss exceptions with the teachers, or, times when Nate seemed more comfortable in school.

When I greeted the teachers, I thanked them for their time and said that I had permission to talk to them about Nate and began by saying that I was interested in what their best hopes were for Nate. Even though they had only had him in their classes twice, I always like beginning conversations such as these with this viewpoint. It immediately takes us to destination building, which is essential in the solution-focused approach. Talking about the problems takes things sideways and often backwards. Talking about where we want to go propels us all forward with a clearer mindset toward building solutions together. Nate was not in the room at that point. Often, when I make school visits for my school clients, I meet teachers first, to give me a sense of where they are with a student. Some students may have been disrespectful to teachers, and I always want to give teachers time to vent if needed and discuss what they would like to see happen. In other words, they become my school clients too. I wait until I sense that the conversation can become solution building, which includes what the teachers need as well as the student. Sometimes, it takes a while longer, but since the student comes in toward the middle of the meeting, it is essential to set the climate up in a solution-focused manner. Fortunately, Nate’s teachers responded to my initial question of “What are your best hopes for Nate?” well. They were quite positive in their remarks. I noticed though, that the coach spoke more. He described Nate as a student who seemed to be interested in his class which was a plus for him as a teacher. He said he liked Nate and noticed that he was sometimes nervous. At this point, with everyone having their turn to talk, I invited Nate into the meeting with his father. Nate was nervous. At that point, I again asked the teachers to start off with their best hopes and impressions of Nate, which included helping him feel comfortable in class. Several of them were very friendly and supportive. The coach said “Hey, you know, I am always in the hallway keeping things running smoothly. If you ever need to talk or just hang out with me, no worries! Just walk up to me.”

6

Basics Behind the Approach

Next, the English teacher spoke up and said, “I usually see you fairly calm in my classroom. You are always polite and get right into your reading. I think my class being at the end of the hallway is helpful to you, right?” Nate nodded. “I thought so. I like a calm classroom too,” she said. As the meeting continued, some of the other teachers jumped in with things such as: “I eat lunch in my classroom each day; you are welcome to join me. My son once had similar concerns, so I get it!” The school counselor suggested that anytime he felt anxious he could certainly come to her office to sit on her couch and hangout until he felt better. The principal was supportive in giving him some tasks to do in the office early in the morning so he could get comfortable before going to class. The meeting in all was quite a surprise to Nate, who sat rather stunned at what he was hearing. Before the meeting was over, I asked Nate, to scale for everyone where he was at that point. He said “At first when I came in here, I was really, really anxious, probably a 10. Now I am at an 8.” When I left the meeting that day, I thanked the teachers and mentioned to Nate to just try to make it through the morning. He nodded and then walked off with the principal who was talking to him. At a follow up meeting two weeks later, Nate shared that he had been to school every day since the meeting except for one day when he had a doctor’s appointment. He smiled throughout our session and told me that he had eaten lunch with the teacher who offered that option to him for several days but after that, he decided to go to the cafeteria where he continued to eat for the rest of the time with friends. He then said his new friends wanted him to try out for football and he was thinking about it. When I asked him about the meeting we had at school, he smiled and responded: “Well, it was really different…it was good.” A month later, I called the school to check on Nate. The principal said at that very moment he was working with some other students in the hallway, putting up decorations for a dance. He was coming to school regularly, seemed quite happy, engaged and was doing well academically.

The Helpfulness of Using a Systemic Approach This first case illustrates a very different way of approaching school refusal. It illustrates the way students can be perceived and assisted with a solution-focused approach. If Nate had seen a problem-focused counselor individually, he might have made progress in understanding his anxiety and might have recognized how it was holding him back. A counselor seeing him on his own certainly could have provided some coping mechanisms for when he was the most anxious and if things worsened, even referred him to a psychiatrist for medication. These measures are typical treatments of situations such as school refusal, where professionals apply researched interventions that are said to work to the individual needing help. Yet, the solution-focused approach provides another avenue for resolution, and when the system is involved, such as Nate’s teachers, everyone in the system has the chance to learn what would be helpful to Nate and then join together to escalate change. In this case, there were no meetings where staff brainstormed how to help Nate. Instead, Nate’s input

Learning to Think with a Solution Focus 7 from the “exceptions,” or, times when things were slightly better, gave me and the teachers the clues to the solutions Nate needed. The teachers’ job and my job then became one of simply listening and recognizing that the exceptions could become new strategies to help Nate. Since the staff agreed to try out the strategies, Nate received consistent support and change was easier and, long lasting.

An Elementary Student Makes Her Mark! Across town on that same morning, an elementary school counselor was meeting with a parent who had called her late on Tuesday afternoon and was very upset. The parent had told the school counselor that her daughter’s teacher had sent a note home with her daughter describing how she was not working up to her potential. Apparently, the daughter had always done well in school, and now the mother was frantic. She admitted that there had been changes with her daughter recently. She was having stomachaches in the morning and complaining about school in the evening. The conversation started as follows: SCHOOL COUNSELOR: MOTHER:

SCHOOL COUNSELOR: MOTHER: SCHOOL COUNSELOR:

MOTHER:

SCHOOL COUNSELOR: MOTHER:

SCHOOL COUNSELOR: MOTHER:

What can we talk about today that would be helpful to you? Somehow, I have to figure out what’s going on with Megan. This has never happened to her before. She has always been such a good student. How will that help you? I guess if I know what’s behind this, I can help her. You mentioned that you have never had this problem before. Take me back to a time when this problem was much smaller or didn’t happen at all. Well, she attended a different school last year. We moved to a different neighborhood during the summer, and I had thought things were working out. She did have trouble making friends at first, but now she plays with the other children quite well in the neighborhood. How about at school last year? What was different in any way that made it better? I didn’t work last year. When we moved, I took a part-time job in the evening to help with the new house payment. Now her stepdad helps her with her homework. Come to think of it, she did better when I helped her with her homework. Her teacher was different last year too. Megan needs to be prompted rather often. She is bright and will do the work for you if she gets praise and encouragement. She needs help to stay on task because she has a tendency to daydream. A few times this year, she has told me that her teacher rarely asked her if she needed help. Megan tends to be shy, and if she doesn’t understand the work, she will just stop doing it. So, when you helped Megan with her homework, how did that make a difference? We did it early in the evening and when she completed it, we would watch a movie together before bedtime. We had a routine. With my working now, I’m not sure that the routine is in place.

8

Basics Behind the Approach

SCHOOL COUNSELOR:

MOTHER: SCHOOL COUNSELOR:

MOTHER: SCHOOL COUNSELOR: MOTHER :

SCHOOL COUNSELOR:

MEGAN: SCHOOL COUNSELOR:

MEGAN:

SCHOOL COUNSELOR: MEGAN: SCHOOL COUNSELOR: MEGAN:

SCHOOL COUNSELOR:

MEGAN:

And you said that when her teacher prompted her, that made a difference. Yes. I know Megan’s teacher rather well, and I would like to share your suggestions with her. Would that be all right with you? Absolutely. Would it also be all right if I went to get Megan out of class for just a few minutes so that we could talk with her? Sure. The school counselor went to get Megan from her classroom. She told the teacher that she had been talking with Megan’s mother and that she needed to speak with Megan briefly. Together, Megan and the school counselor walked back to the meeting room where her mom was waiting. Hi, Megan. It’s good to see you. Your mother and I have been talking this morning about how things are going here at school. Your mother told me some ideas that I would like to share with your teacher, and I wanted you to know about them first. Okay. Your mother said that last year, your teacher helped you differently than your teacher this year is. Can you tell me what she did? Well, we had these bookmarks that we had made, and if we had a question, we were supposed to put them on our desks, and she would see it and then come help us. She was really nice. I liked her. Your mother mentioned that you did your homework with her last year. Is that right? Yes, but she works now to get money. If you could teach your stepdad to help you like your mother did, what would you teach him? (smiling) Me teach him? Well, we would have to do homework at the same time each night because sometimes he forgets until it’s almost time for bed, and sometimes I forget what my homework is. All right. And what would you be willing to do in return for your teacher if she tries to help you more in class just for this week? I would be really good. I might not talk as much. Sometimes I talk when she is talking.

Learning to Think with a Solution Focus 9 SCHOOL COUNSELOR:

MEGAN:

SCHOOL COUNSELOR:

MEGAN: MOTHER:

Would there be a better place for you to sit in class to help you do that? Last year I sat up in front next to the blackboard. That is where she wrote the homework assignments down, and I would always remember to write them down that way. Okay. You have both given me some great ideas. Megan, it sounds like it might help if you and your mother could work with your stepdad on a time to do homework. When I walk you back to class this morning, I would like to share with your teacher what worked for you last year. Would that be all right with you? Yes. That would be great.

Megan and the school counselor walked down to her classroom and spoke with Megan’s teacher briefly in the hallway. The teacher was told that the school counselor was working with both Megan and her mother to help get Megan back on track with her schoolwork. The school counselor shared the ideas that both Megan and her mother had told her about the classroom that Megan was in last year. The teacher was receptive but unsure how to use a signal like the bookmark. Megan said that she would try and come up with something. The teacher was also told that Megan was going to try to behave more in class in response to the teacher’s helping her more in class. The teacher was surprised that she had not been helping Megan enough. The school counselor thanked both Megan and the teacher and promised to check in with both of them the next day. On Thursday, the school counselor sent Megan a note: Dear Megan, It was nice to visit with you and your mother yesterday. I learned a lot from you both. I learned that when you get the help you need in class, you do extremely well. I appreciated the way that you volunteered to help your teacher come up with a way to get her attention when you need help. I look forward to seeing your idea when I visit with you on Friday. Warmly, Ms. Johnson, School Counselor On Friday, Megan’s teacher came to see the school counselor to compliment her on Megan’s new enthusiasm in class. She said that Megan had made a bookmark for her language arts book out of some magazines that the teacher had used in an art project. When several of the other students saw Megan’s bookmark, they asked to make one too. The teacher asked Megan to show everyone how she made the bookmark, which instantly resulted in her getting along better with her classmates. Megan’s mother spoke with her

10

Basics Behind the Approach

husband about a consistent time for homework and chose to call Megan each evening from work when she started her homework, which served as a reminder for her stepdad too. Megan’s grades improved, and so did her behavior. The teacher still uses the bookmark idea each year.

The Ripple Effect Creating a “ripple effect” by involving the system (teachers, parents, administrators and students) in the solution-focused conversation has been one of the most rewarding experiences I have ever had when working with students, teachers and parents in schools. Typically, school counselors and administrators try desperately to create interventions or consequences to affect the behavior and academic success of students. They follow the rules and policies, try to be consistent and yet, some students still don’t change. School counselors talk to students and try their absolute best to help the student be more successful. Afterwards, the student usually feels better and goes off to class. The problem is, they go back to the class where many times, it was the system in that class that helped to create and maintain the problem. This is not to say the teacher creates the problem, but perhaps the interactions between everyone in the classroom might be the culprits that sustained the problem. When that occurs, the student walks back into the same context and the chances are that the problem will reoccur. Those students then get referred again and become what many school counselors refer to as, “frequent flyers.” By involving the system in meetings such as Nate’s and Megan’s, the context changes, and thus, the opportunity for the problem to resurface decreases. I was very fortunate that Nate’s teachers were interested in assisting Nate. This is not always the case when teachers are burned out by a student. In those meetings, which I have certainly witnessed and been involved with, it takes time to understand the teachers’ concerns too. They too, become my school client and deserve my time and respect. And, here’s a tip: When working in a high school as a school counselor, I learned soon, the importance of always saying to teachers first, “I work for you too…I want you to have the classroom that you want.” That has seemed to earn me buy in when I needed to talk to a student or, when I returned a student to the teacher’s classroom. And, it was true. My job was to engage and assist everyone in the school.

Using the Wrong Glasses to See Students Can Make You Blind I recall a day as a young teacher,, in the mid1970s, when I sat in the teachers’ lounge, listening to the teachers describe the negative behaviors of their middle school students. I, too, had begun experiencing frustration, and asked some of the teachers for help or advice. I received many empathetic statements such as, “Yes, he’s in my class and he’s a terror there, too,” and, “Her mother has refused to answer my phone calls—one of those families.” Their answers were not helpful and instead, seemed harmful to me. While I am certain these statements were meant to be supportive to me, they offered me little help.

Learning to Think with a Solution Focus 11 Fortunately, I recalled a professor from one of my education classes in college who once stated to our class that the most helpful thing teachers, could do for themselves and their students was to stay out of the teachers’ lounge! If not, they would become prejudiced against their own students! With this in mind and frustrated that I was not getting anywhere talking to equally frustrated teachers, I retreated to my art classroom on a regular basis with another young teacher for lunch and conference periods. We soon found that our more positive conversations at lunchtime were refreshing as we talked about students we liked, students who were puzzling and interesting lesson plans. I noticed how almost immediately I began to feel differently about my students without the labeling I was hearing from fellow teachers. Thereafter, I also noticed how the students reacted more positively to me when I knew less about their behaviors in other classes. I stayed in that middle school for eight years and found my time there quite rewarding, after I escaped from the teachers’ lounge. Teachers, school counselors and administrators who are in the trenches know that students today deal with issues that leave even the most experienced educator lost for answers. There are grandparents rearing their grandchildren while their son or daughter is incarcerated. Financial worries push parents to work overtime, leaving little time for families to concentrate on school. Walking into a school, it is easy to see the things that are not working. When a teacher refers a student to the school counselor, it’s usually with a list of complaints. Schools have become so focused on problematic behaviors and situations they have lost sight of times when things are working. The climate itself has become conducive to a negative discourse. That makes using a new lens quite difficult. Nate could have been given a diagnosis of depression, anxiety and school refusal. By not stepping into problematic thinking or language, we were able to sidestep the anxiety and create a context where Nate and his teachers could see him differently. Not once in our conference at school that day did I mention any diagnosis or problems. Instead, we focused on a “preferred future” where school refusal had little chance of reoccurring. Those glasses helped us all to clearly see a preferred future for Nate. And, it was a preferred future that Nate described to us all. We just needed to listen.

The Solution-Focused Approach Is a Mindset–Make It Yours! The approach in this book intends to guide you toward learning from your school clients what their best hopes are, what their preferred futures look like and noticing times when things go slightly better for students. These three simple steps will help you to amplify those preferred times into more of the same. But, like all new approaches, this one seems simpler than it is! One way to begin seeing the rewards of looking for times when things are slightly better in students, teachers and parents, is to begin identifying your own personal competencies. That makes the solution-focused model a part of your life and creates the mindset! So, consider these questions: “When you think about your week, yesterday, or today, what went slightly better than usual?”

12

Basics Behind the Approach “As a result of what went well, what were you able to do that you felt good about?” “What did others notice about you as you did those things?” “As a result of them noticing, and possibly remarking to you, how did that make a difference for you?” “When you plan next week, which of those instances might you include?”

Don’t feel badly if you cannot recall at once what went better! It takes time to answer these questions because when life goes smoothly, we mostly breathe a sigh of relief or just enjoy it. We rarely think: “Wow, how did I make this happen?” “What part did I play in Joshua doing so well on this activity?” “How did I get this good result?” But thinking differently about what we do in our schools and our classrooms means looking for the times when the problems occur less frequently and thinking about what we are doing that contributed to the success. We are big contributors to the outcome. Problems are relational and are sustained by relational interactions. In the same way, solutions occur within relational contexts, too. This way of thinking changes the context of the problem from: “Josie, you’re angry again; get some control” to: “Josie, the anger seems to be in control again. How can you take it over, like you did yesterday?” It takes noticing when Charlie sits in his seat, if only for five minutes, while other students are running around the room. It takes noticing that Cassie stayed on task slightly longer today, even though Jonathan was bothering her. It may mean noticing that a poem in English class stirred a high school junior to ask a question for the first time that week. Finding out what happened during those slightly successful times gives us clues to re-creating those times. That is the essence of the solution-focused approach! Doing something different will usually result in a different outcome. But, how can you get to a point where you know how to do something different? You start with seeing yourself differently. So, sit back and think about a current school dilemma that you might have. Then, imagine that the room you are in is filled with people who love and appreciate you. Add in some of the students who like talking to you and the teachers and staff in the building that depend on you. Then, do the exercise on the next page.

Learning to Think with a Solution Focus 13

At Your Best When you are at your very, very best as a school counselor, what are you doing? What would your students say you are doing? What would your staff and teachers say you are doing? How do you do the things they say are so valuable? What are you believing about yourself that drives you to do those things? What difference does it make for you to be at your very, very best? (At Your Best exercise developed from Iveson, George, & Ratner, 2016)

At Your Best versus at Your Worst? No Contest This exercise has just taken you through a short solution focused process. The same questions can be asked of absolutely everyone you encounter in your school life. It is an exercise in strengths and abilities and can be used with your staff, your students and parents with a little word substitution! Notice how from the very first question, the focus is on when you have done well, rather than what problem is occurring. I must add that this first question is often the hardest, especially since students are simply not used to being asking when things went well. They are used to being told when things don’t go well. Chances are, you will get a lot of “I don’t know’s” at first. Hang in there! Do not, do not fill in the blank for them or suggest anything. There may be silence. Let it be. Wait, and say “I don’t know either, but let’s keep thinking.” Eventually, the student may answer. If not, let the student know that it is hard sometimes to recall when things went better and that you would like them to just think about that question for a while. Send them back to class and later, check in again. There is always an exception. Here are some other hints for helping students recall times when things were better: “Tell me, what would your best friend, or favorite relative say you are doing when you are at your very best?” “What might your pet see you do when you are at your very best at home?” These questions are sometimes easier to talk about, as that way, the student looks through the eyes of others in their life and can conjure up some answers.

Suspend All Assumptions and Take a Break The solution focused ideas in this book will contain suggestions for simplifying interactions between you and students. So, begin suspending your thoughts about needing to solve every problem of every student, teacher, parent, and administrator who walks through your door. First, you cannot possibly do that, and second, if you did, you would teach them that they needed you

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Basics Behind the Approach

to solve their problems again in the future. That’s not only overwhelming for you but unfair to them. Think how much better you will feel when you begin helping students to solve their own problems and they leave your office realizing that they had the tools all along. They will grow, become more successful, and begin believing in themselves for a change. This is Social Emotional Learning at its best! By using different tools from this approach to free your students, teachers, and parents from their problems, they will see themselves as competent, many for the first time. As for the tools? The students and teachers will show you which ones work for them. You will merely have to start asking the right questions. The next two cases illustrate how.

It’s the Locker’s Fault, Ma’am A very energetic seventh-grade boy once told me that his failure to turn in many homework assignments caused his grades to stay below the passing level. During one of our sessions, he said that he did well in the classes where he sat in the front row. In response to this comment, I suggested that he and his parents request a seating change for the remaining classes. But there was more. I asked him, “Tell me more about what else helps you to turn in your homework.” He said that what really mattered the most was where the classroom was located. I was confused, so he explained that he turned in some assignments when he put his homework in the class textbook and then took the textbook to class. (This was when students actually had assigned books!) Unfortunately, he said he could do so only when his books were in his locker and were near certain classrooms. If the locker was far from his classroom, he did not have time to get his work from his locker and turn it in. He said that he had never been one for using an organizer much to his parents’ dismay, because he found it to be too much trouble. But after the conversation and observation about the locker, he turned to me in the session and said, “I think I know what to do…I just need to put my homework in each of my books and carry all of my books to class in my athletic bag.” Although this solution would not have occurred to me, it worked well for him. His teachers called his parents to report his improvement in turning in his homework. And as for the student, he developed some great muscle tone!

Get through the Day without Crying Susie Peters, a fifth-grade teacher specializing in English as a Second Language (ESL), came to therapy as a last resort before she resigned her teaching position. She had taught for twenty years in another city and had recently taken a job at an inner-city school. She told me she was experiencing a depression that affected her so deeply that merely walking into the school building in the morning caused her to burst into tears at the sight of her students. The students, a majority of whom were dealing with severe problems at home such as neglect, abuse, poverty, and little supervision, would react violently in the classroom toward Ms. Peters when she tried to discipline them with conventional discipline plans set by the district. She had spoken to the principal but received little support except for empathizing.

Learning to Think with a Solution Focus 15 I began the first session by asking Ms. Peters what her best hopes were, and she said she just wanted to get through the day without crying. When school clients give an answer to the best hopes question that is what they do NOT want, it is important to turn that into what they DO want. So, I asked her: “So, to get through the day without crying, how would you rather things go?” and she said, “I could reach students and see them respond.” I then asked how she had been able to stay in teaching for 20 years in what I considered to be a challenging teaching position. She responded modestly, saying that she was a good teacher who loved her profession. There had been students over the years who had made it a rewarding career. She said that was the difficult part, for these students were not all difficult. I asked about the students she found less difficult and how she had made it in her current position for the past five months in spite of the difficulties. She responded that there had always been one class in the morning at 10:00 A.M. that she looked forward to. The children in that class could not read when she began teaching them, and now they were progressing. Many of them were adolescents, and since they were nearing an age to drive a car, she had taught them to read a driver’s license test booklet since she knew that subject would keep their interest. She began to smile as she told me of one boy whom other teachers found very violent. She said initially she often placed her hand on his shoulder, and he would wince. Now she could place her hand on his hand, and he smiled at her. I commended her spirit and caring for her students and her practical approach to gaining their interest in reading. As the session ended, I asked her to do only one task until I met with her again: “During the next week, I would like you to look at your students differently. Instead of seeing them as resisting you and fighting you, I would like you to see them as needing you but not knowing how to relate their needs to you. I’d like you to pick one student this week and do what you did for the student you told me about. I am asking you to do this for yourself, not just the student, because I can see the joy you receive when you touch a student and make a difference. It seems to work for you. Your smile told me so.” Reluctantly, Ms. Peters said she would try but did not expect to really do it. I told her I realized that this was a tremendous task for someone as sad as she described herself. This realization prompted me to write her a note, which I often do for students and school clients. I mailed it to her the same day after the session: Dear Susie, I enjoyed meeting with you very much today. As I mentioned to you, I hold a special feeling for teachers, having been one for ten years. I admired your desire to talk to me about things that were bothering you at school and also your need to have better experiences in your classroom. This week I hope you will look at your students differently. I have a feeling that the magic you worked with [student name] made a tremendous difference in your life as a teacher. My hope for you this week is that you will do this for yourself once again with another student. I look forward to hearing about it! Sincerely, Linda Metcalf Merely focusing on Ms. Peters’ problems would have done little to rid her of the frustrations and sadness she was experiencing. Since she conveyed that she wanted relief from her depression and get through the day without crying, it was more helpful to focus on her successes and help her fondly reminisce on times when she did not cry. It was important

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that Ms. Peters to recall her teaching successes at a time when she felt there was little current success. She needed a reminder that she was indeed a teacher who made a difference, even in her current situation. More important, her goal was to “get through the day without crying,” so that is the direction we moved toward. If I had appealed to her that her students needed her and that she must give more of herself and put aside her feelings, I would not have honored her goal. The task for Ms. Peters was also designed from her previous successes so they were easier for her to think about doing. I make it a point when using solution focused ideas to never to ask a client to do something he or she has not done before. This means I always connect the task to a similar successful action the person has taken previously. For example, Ms. Peters was successful with a student who often experienced violent situations. In short, I cooperated with her goal. Steve de Shazer, one of the founders of the solution focused approach, mentioned in his many writings that cooperating lessens resistance and encourages success. One week later, Ms. Peters returned to therapy, smiling and reporting that her students had been better that week. She thanked me for the note, commented on my taking the time to write her, and mentioned how much that had meant to her. She also said that she was uncertain if she would have followed through with the task if I had not sent the note. She said she realized now that she had just been “thinking too negatively about the kids.” I complimented her on this discovery. From that point on, she turned our conversations to other issues of concern in her life.

Discovering Together! The solution focused approach presented in this book offers a different way of thinking about school problems and assists both educators and counselors in discovering solutions through exceptions, times when the problem occurred slightly less. The ideas in this book will integrate the solution focused approach with narrative therapy, encouraging at times, for the student, parent, or teacher to step outside the problem for a moment and observe the influence of the problem on his or her life. From this observation and from identifying times when the problem is in less control, the student and teacher are able to develop new tasks so that they are in more control of the problem, rather than the problem controlling them.

Guidelines for Using the Solution-Focused Approach in Schools In our current world, empathy and engagement are vital to sustaining the mental health of our students, and our teachers. Listening with a solution focused ear has proven to me over the years to be so successful that I

Learning to Think with a Solution Focus 17 cannot imagine working any other way. The need for empathy, suspending beliefs about students and parents and finding a way to engage relationally presents many more possibilities for peaceful and safe classrooms than any other approach I have found. This does not mean we suspend expectations and policies. Not at all. It does mean that by developing relationships, enforcing such policies can be carried out with more cooperation between all parties, because the focus is about better outcomes instead of giving threats. The following guidelines are ways to develop a solution focused school climate. I adapted these guidelines from the work of William Hudson O’Hanlon and Michele Weiner- Davis, authors of In Search of Solutions (1989) and, from the work of Michael White and David Epston, authors of Narrative Means to Therapeutic Ends (1990) 1

Using a Nonpathological Approach Makes Problems Solvable The term, redescription, comes from narrative therapy and the work of White and Epston (1990). Both Epston and White found that how a person viewed himself or herself was directly related to their actions. So, when we take a diagnosis/label such as depression, and redescribe it as sadness, the pathology seems less intense. Often, educators get stuck when traditional strategies don’t work with a student. They begin to think the problem is worse than they thought, after all, the strategies typically work, right? By redescribing a diagnosis into a more normalizing label, educators become less stuck, hope is lifted and new possibilities for strategies and actions develop. For example, the middle school boy who tends to be “oppositional and defiant,” becomes a boy who “is assertive and in need of speaking his mind.” This may lead a teacher to pull him aside before class begins, share her new view of him and give him time to provide his opinion more often in class, if he behaves appropriately. That engagement with the boy, which is quite different than the continuous threats of referral will go much farther for several reasons. First, the boy will begin seeing the teacher differently and that automatically triggers new responses from him. Second, being given what he needs in the classroom as long as he also respects what the teacher needs, changes his actions toward the teacher. I have countless cases where teachers did this and reported to me that they were amazed with the effectiveness of “doing something different.” All they really did was relate to the student differently.

2

Always Let the Student Define the Goal While educators absolutely know what needs to happen academically for students to be successful, too often, students are left out of the planning and strategizing and that can cause resistance. Resistant students are typically cast aside as unmotivated. Additionally, when students are simply told how to be successful, they become dependent on the expertise of the teachers who already have many other students to help. As a result, socially and emotionally, our students lack confidence in themselves and how to build

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Basics Behind the Approach solutions for social and emotional situations and educators are overworked. The technique builds dependency, not competency. That is the opposite of Social Emotional Learning goals. Imagine how much better it was for a student such as Nate, to be given opportunities to solve his anxiety issue, which was his goal. Imagine what happens when a student who wants to pass three classes out of six, brainstorms what is occurring in those other three classes that he is passing to bring up grades in the other three. Think how helpful socially it would be for two elementary students who want to be friends again after a quarrel, to think about how they were NOT quarreling during the first two months of school. The key to assisting students, teachers, and parents in solving their own problems lies in listening to what they want to accomplish and then assisting them in imagining a preferred future.

3

Complex Problems Do Not Require Complex Solutions When I was an elementary school counselor, I recall being asked to talk to a fourthgrade boy who had a problem with encopresis. He soiled his pants each morning, supposedly, around 11:00 A.M., and had done so for the past two years. Everyone in the school had an explanation of the problem: The teacher thought the boy was avoiding social interaction. The principal thought he was being defiant. The school psychologist thought he had sad feelings about his parents’ divorce. The school nurse thought he was just too needy.

So, doubtful about what to do, they sent him to me. I was intrigued. He was slightly over-weight, polite and kind, and loved to play video games. I asked him some behavioraloriented questions about what happened when he soiled his pants. He said he would go to the office and call his mother, and she would come to pick him up and take him home to change clothes. There, he washed his own clothes and his mom, if she had time, would make him a hot lunch. He said he loved her hot lunches. At first, it nearly slipped by me, so I asked more about the lunch. He said his mom always sent sandwiches in his lunch, and he disliked them. He preferred hot lunches, but his mom did not always have money to purchase the school lunch. I asked the principal if we could get Ryan on free lunch as an experiment for two weeks. I asked Ryan to bring up a few sets of clean clothes in case he didn’t get to the bathroom on time. I then told him that the school had discovered that he could get a sort of “grant” from the school that enabled him to eat hot lunches for the next two weeks. There was only one incident during the next two weeks! We kept him on free lunch for the rest of the year, and the incidents completely stopped. There will always be students who present with problems that seem very complex. Teachers will share their concerns that sound immense and parents will produce verifying information that their son or daughter has a diagnosis that may keep them from performing. Still, don’t let that deter you from always asking: “So, what are your best hopes for our conversation?” You are not there to come up with brilliant solutions that save everyone. That task is too, too hard. What’s better is to enlist the help of those requesting relief to take you to a

Learning to Think with a Solution Focus 19 destination of their choice, so they are more likely to accompany you in the tasks needed to reach that destination. Additionally, by noticing exceptions, you can become instantly reassured that the issues are not as complex as others think. Perhaps the hardest part of becoming solution focused is developing a mindset that keeps reminding you that the best hopes of the school client is always where to start and seeking exceptions to fulfill those best hopes is the next step to take. 4

It Is Not Necessary to Understand or Promote Insight to Be Helpful Using the solution focused approach does not necessitate that the counselor knows everything about the problem that a student may present in order to be helpful. In fact, knowing less is more helpful. That way there are no assumptions that get in your way and no problem talk that can color a student’s self-image in a problem focused way. Here is a good example below. A kind and understanding teacher once related a story to me about a seventhgrade student from a neglectful home (under investigation by authorities) who repeatedly came to her for nurturing when she was tearful. The teacher attempted to talk to her about the sadness, and the student refused. The teacher wisely and respectfully recalled times when her own daughters were young and felt a need for attention when they were saddened. She told the student it was fine with her if she needed attention at times, even if she did not want to relay the problem at hand. The student continued to approach the teacher for attention at times and eventually developed more trust with her. The teacher never knew what the exact problem was and did not find that information necessary in order to be helpful with the solution. In many situations, respecting a student’s or teacher’s need for privacy will lessen the resistance to communication and open up possibilities for solution talk. And it can happen without knowing details. By not knowing, a school counselor opens the door for students to direct the conversation, often resulting in a much richer and applicable dialogue. When the student chooses the goal and then, the solution, the chances of the student following through increase dramatically.

5

Students, Teachers, Administrators, and Parents Have Complaints, Not Symptoms Anyone who has ever been labeled knows how it can change a person’s selfperception. I recall a young college student who came to counseling and declared that she was manic- depressive, suicidal, and bipolar, and she also was bothered by posttraumatic stress disorder. She even looked the part. She was sad, hopeless about her life, and saw no future with the labels and diagnoses. After hearing this résumé of pathology, I looked at her and said: “Would it be all right, just for this session, to put the labels outside in the hallway and just talk about what it is that you want to be different? In other words, what are your best. Hopes?” When the session was over, I asked the question that I typically end with, which was: “What did we do in here that might have made a difference?”

She said, “It was nice to talk about something besides ‘the problems,’ because now I don’t feel as sick. I don’t feel as hopeless as I did before.”

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Basics Behind the Approach

What does this mean for us, who are subjected to diagnoses, labels and RTI meetings? It may mean that the next time you are in a team meeting or an RTI meeting and you hear the diagnoses being discussed by well-meaning colleagues, notice the stuckness that also enters the room. Be the school counselor who suggests that perhaps there is another way to describe the student. See what happens then. You may have some sceptics but just be patient and suggest that your idea is simply meant to expand ideas for solutions. When the barriers of a label are removed from a conversation and a student appears, the results will be much different. 6

There Is a Ripple Effect When One Person Changes that Affects the System Including Systems Theory was a big part of composing the revision of this book. “A system… is a set of things that affect one another within an environment and form a larger pattern that is different from any of the parts,” (Bertalanffy, 1968). Any organized group of people, including a family, a classroom of students and a group of teachers, is a system. How the leader of that system organizes things directly impacts the learners in the room. In the same way that how a classroom is organized can create harmony and a rich context for learning, unfortunately, sometimes, the same classroom that perhaps is not as differentiated in learning, can produce students who begin to get off track. We may try to get the students back into how the classroom is organized with the same leader, but without the students AND the leader working together in the creation of the new climate, the students will stay off track. It is the collaboration of everyone in a system that can, in Bertalanffy’s words, “form a larger pattern that is different from any of the parts.” How does this play out in a classroom? It happens every time you see a student in your office, do your good work, and then send the student merrily back to the same classroom, alone, without any communication from you and the student to the teacher. If the issue being discussed was behavior, the teacher still sees the student the same when she returns to the classroom and naturally, will pull the student back into the same behavior. Sound familiar? Instead, using systems theory as a school counselor, I soon noticed this phenomenon and stopped sending students back without notifying the teachers involved of our plan. I would either walk the student back to class, ask for one minute of the teacher’s time, and with the student’s permission, explain that the student had a plan to improve. That action was always my first choice, but if that couldn’t happen due to, a scheduling issue, I would compose an e-mail with the student in my office, and sign both of our names. The e-mail would be something like: Dear Teachers, Kayla and I have talked today, and she has come up with some ways to show each of you that she is interested in improving her behavior and her schoolwork in your class. I am impressed with her ideas, which are her own. Please watch for times over the next few days when you see her try out her new ideas. Thank you. Linda Metcalf and Kayla Smith

By connecting with teaches, the student’s plan is now known. The details are not known, in case Kayla decides to do something else that wasn’t part of her current plan. The

Learning to Think with a Solution Focus 21 teachers now know a plan exists, however, and as a result, both enter back into the classroom with a new mindset. 7

Fitting into the School Client’s Worldview Lessens Resistance

Many counselors have encountered students who felt put down by a teacher or parent. The student may even exaggerate the dilemma and appear to dramatize the seriousness of the situation. Suggesting to that student that she must change so she doesn’t get in trouble, or that part of the issue is her fault is destined to put up a wall. The same goes for teachers who complain. However, aligning with a student or teacher, and stepping into her worldview is the quickest way to resolution. Resistance basically disappears when you empathize, ask what their best hopes are and discuss the preferred future that they want. If the preferred future includes changing someone else, continue exploring what such a change would do for the student. LM:

So, someday when Mr. Quantum does things differently in your Physics class, what difference would that make for you? Student: I might actually try. LM: And, how would he know you were trying? Student: I would get into the group he assigns me in without questioning him and maybe work on things. LM: So, that would be different than what happens now? Student: “Yeah.” LM: “What else would you be doing?” (Get a list of at least ten actions) LM: Imagine – could we do an experiment and you try out a few of those ideas just for tomorrow in class?” And, I would like, with your permission, to send Mr. Quantum a note that you have some things that you are going to try out tomorrow. I won’t tell him. It will be your surprise. Student: I guess Then, Mr. Quantum gets a note from the student and I to watch out for some new actions. He also gets reassurance from me that my purpose is to help both of them get some resolution. In conversations like this, there is buy in for both the student and the teacher.

Coach Me, Please! In another example, a high school student who feels the coach just won’t get off his back and is full of complaints to the vice principal might respond differently to a dialogue such as the following: VICE PRINCIPAL: STUDENT: VICE PRINCIPAL: STUDENT: VICE PRINCIPAL:

How will you know when things are just slightly better for you in regard to the coach? He won’t hound me as much. He’ll get off my back. I agree, getting him off your back is a good idea. When, this year, has he been off your back slightly less? Early in the school year before everything started, things went pretty well. Really? What were you doing to help things go pretty well? What else?

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Another approach to this same situation would be to invite the coach and the student for a joint conference. The conference might begin with addressing the coach: “Coach, Todd’s concerned about the way you and he have been dealing with each other lately. I want you to know that I called you both here because I want you both to get what you want in this situation. Can you tell me a time this year when you didn’t find it necessary to keep after Todd?” During the conversation, Todd may hear the coach say that when Todd showed up for practice on time in the fall and worked hard, he had no reason to give him a hard time. Todd could also be asked what the coach was doing differently during that time that assisted him in getting to practice on time. Then, asking “what else was different” can lead the conversation into details that are helpful. The conversation ends with an understanding of what each person needs from the other instead of ruminating over the problem. Again, systemically, when people in a system take on a new behavior, the old behavior rarely lasts. 8 Motivation Is a Key Ingredient for Change Here’s something to consider: People are motivated by different things. As teachers and counselors, we have an idea, we think, of what might motivate a student. Yet, what if our ideas don’t fit the student’s needs for motivation? We might begin thinking that the student just doesn’t want to try. That may lead to us getting frustrated or trying less. The following case is an example of some wellintentioned educators’ attempts to help a middle school student maintain good behavior. Mike, age 13, was a puzzle to his teachers. He was bright but often got off track when another student looked at him wrong or said something negative. Once upset, he had difficulties concentrating. During counseling he appeared concerned about his behavior but did little to win the incentives that the teachers and counselor suggested. One day he was referred again to the counselor, and the counselor mentioned that she was very puzzled, as she was trying to find something to motivate him to have better behavior. He looked up at her and said, “Ma’am it is really simple…when I have a decent day, let my Dad know. See, he doesn’t think I am going to amount to anything. When people sometime say good things about me, he lays off of me and that’s a lot better for me.” The counselor then said she was ready to call or send a note home with Mike the first time she saw him have a decent day. He was soon having many decent days. In a future chapter, there will be more suggestions for team meetings and RTI meetings. Note that in each case, the student is present. Why? Because the student knows what could make things better. This is the key to unlocking potential in students and understanding solutions that build motivation. 9 Go Slowly, Building on Skills and Successes in Other Areas As you are reading, notice that the cases often involve my asking students or teachers to do something for an afternoon or just one class tomorrow, as an experiment. Of course, we want them to do these new ideas forever, but that’s too

Learning to Think with a Solution Focus 23 hard! We want to experiment with short amounts of time so that the likelihood for success increases. If a student has a failing grade of 60, first, that means they have been able to achieve 60 points. By asking them to go slow when they bring up the grade, the task becomes achievable. In fact, it is so achievable that many times, students soar past the small steps and achieve more. This is also where using the scaling question can be immensely helpful. The scaling question is basically a way of getting perspective on a dilemma: “So, on a scale of 1–10, where 10 means you are having a fantastic day and a 1 means not such a great day, where are you now?” For example, if a student has been referred to you for behavior, scale the impact of the behavior on the student’s school day. On a scale of 1–10, with 10 meaning the student is winning over the behavior and a 1 means the behavior is winning, ask the student what the current score is. Then, after discussing times when the student was more in charge and identifying those exceptions, ask the student to consider which of those “strategies” she might try to move up the scale one point, just for that day. Since the student has been successful with defining the exception strategies, the task is not overwhelming. Also, cautioning students to go slowly prevents slow success from being perceived as failing or not happening fast enough. In actuality, when defeating a problem is the focus, not going backward into the grip of the problem should also be viewed as success. Make sure you commend students, for example, for not going backward into the clutches of the problem and ask: “How did you do that?” If a student does better one week and then slips the next, the question becomes: “Tell me, what did you forget to do this week that worked last week?” 10 Every Complaint Pattern Contains Some Sort of Exception How often have you heard the following statements? “He is angry all the time.” “He’s hyperactive constantly.” “She never stays in her seat.” “I’m totally stressed out all of the time with all of my classes.” These broad statements of complaints are typical because noticing what doesn’t work is easy. It takes a new lens, a solution focused lens, to see past problems and onward to “exceptions,” the times when the problem occurs slightly less. Again, notice the word “slightly.” To think that a behavior or academic issue can simply vanish is not realistic. But what is realistic is seeking times when a student does turn in homework, isn’t referred, comes to school, behaves in one class, ignores a student who taunts her. So, when you hear, “she is never in. her seat,” nod, acknowledge and then come back with: “Wow, that sounds really challenging. Tell me about other times when she was in her seat slightly more than other times. What was going on, where was she, what was different in any way?”

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I recall a ten-year-old who was being bullied at school by another boy. He was in the office one day and was really trying to stay away from the bully. He was frustrated as he said: “Yesterday, he kicked me three times. The third time I kicked him back and got into trouble.” On first glance, the tendency may be to think, “well, he responded in a way that was not appropriate…he should have walked away from the bully like we discussed.” But something else happened in this scenario: the boy waited to kick back until he was kicked the third time. So, I asked, “so, tell me, how is it that you refused to kick him the first two times?” His parents looked at him and said, “that’s right, how did you?” Exceptions can sometimes be tough to find but they are there. When you put on the solution focused glasses, you will begin to see what you have been missing. Once that happens, your curiosity takes over and your students will also begin to discover a different side of who they can become.

Summary Here’s one of my favorite stories to end this chapter. In an episode of Northern Exposure, shown in the 1990s, a Native American woodcarver carves a flute out of an alder branch as a younger man watches him, filming the activity with his camera. The woodcarver is focused and quite careful. The younger man is curious: “How do you know where to carve?” The woodcarver respectfully replies in reference to the wood that he holds in his hands: “Inside every alder branch, there is a flute—your job is to find it.” The solution focused approach is about finding the flute. Now, go find it!

Learning to Think with a Solution Focus 25

Solution-Focused Training Exercise: Chapter One The following questions have been designed as a personal exercise to assist in understanding solution focused ideas. The exercise can be duplicated for faculty meetings. For maximum benefit, discuss your findings in groups of two or three people. THE PROBLEM-FOCUSED APPROACH What has been the most frustrating problem for you this year at school? This is the problem. _____________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________ What did you do to solve your problem? These are your strategies. _____________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________ Which ones worked? Circle those strategies. Which ones did not work? Draw a line through those. If your answer was full of success, congratulations! If, however, you were not satisfied with your strategies, please read on. The problem with “problems” is that we notice them only when they’ are bothering us—when they are present. Clues to solutions lie in the times when problems are not present. These are called exceptions. THE SOLUTION FOCUSED APPROACH What will be different when the problem that has been bothering you at school disappears? This will become your goal or best hopes. _____________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________ Someday soon, when these best hopes happen, what difference will that make for you? _____________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________ What will others notice about you when they happen? _____________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________ When was the last time you were just slightly successful in achieving some of your best hopes? (Searching for exceptions) _____________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________ If you tried just one or two of these strategies in school for a week, what would you do? What would someone see you doing differently? _____________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________ Tasks • •

Today, notice what goes well. Make notes of what works instead of focusing on what doesn’t work in your job, with your kids, or with others in your family. Before the week is over, try a strategy that you identified as helpful in your personal life at school with one student, one teacher, or one parent. Observe what happens.

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References Bertalanffy, von L. (1968). General systems theory. New York: Braziller. White, M., & Epston, D. (1990). Narrative means to therapeutic ends. New York: Norton. Iveson, C. & George, E., & Ratner, H. (2016). Personal Communication- Texas Wesleyan University Study Abroad Workshop. London. Metcalf, L. (2017). Solution Focused Narrative Therapy. New York. Springer. O’Hanlon, W. H., & Weiner-Davis, M. (1989). In search of solutions. New York: Norton.

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Creating Possibilities through Language

When Kate brought her nine-year-old daughter Marsha to counseling, I knew something was going on when both mom and daughter sat far away from each other on the couch. Kate began immediately describing what was wrong with Marsha as her daughter glared at her: “She has bipolar disorder, depressive disorder, oppositional defiance disorder and she is ADHD. We have horrible nights at home. She is the oldest and she is setting a bad example for her siblings with her terrible tantrums and behaviors.” Hold on! I thanked mom for the introduction and quickly excused Marsha to a room next door with some toys. I told Marsha that I needed some time with her mom and would come to get her in a short while. Marsha readily agreed with the break and practically ran out of the room. When I met back with mom, I thanked her for her thorough assessment which she said she had received from several psychiatrists and mentioned to mom that I noticed Marsha looked rather sad as she read the list of diagnoses. I asked mom if we could talk about Marsha as a person for a few minutes instead of the diagnoses. Mom agreed. She said she thought I needed that information to be helpful. I assured her that her information was important but that I was interested in other aspects of Marsha’s life. I soon learned that Marsha was a perfect student at school with absolutely no behavior problems. I asked if the school knew about Marsha’s diagnoses and mom said they did not. After all, she said, they did not need that information because the problems never occurred at school. What? After that first conversation, our future conversations were spent with mom and daughter, and later the entire family, which consisted of four children. I learned that the rest of the children also behaved well in school and daycare. I also saw how overwhelmed the parents were by stress from their jobs and the children’s activities. Each member of the family came up with how they each wished their home life was and began exploring what that might look like. When we discussed what was different at school, the children were quick to describe what was different, especially Marsha, who talked about how at school things always happened at the same time. I also asked Marsha and her school-aged siblings how else they each managed to be in control of their behavior at school and Marsha quickly said, “I have to, or else I go to the principal’s office and I don’t want that to happen.” Learning about times when behaviors or actions do not happen often gives us clues as to what to re-create to achieve the same results. In this family, while Marsha did seem distractible, she was able to control her distractibility when she had structure and consistency. That information was invaluable to the parents and I as we navigated toward some changes that they came up with for their home life.

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Language Guides Our Actions We describe our world with language. Problems to one person are not always problems to others because of the meanings attached to them. Because language plays such a central role in how we perceive ourselves and our behavior, redescribing situations can often lead to different perceptions and different solutions. White and Epston (1990) mention that the description that an individual gives about herself in her story is her unique reality, and that reality directs the way she lives life. Most of us seem to notice the tragedies in our stories easily and ignore the rich exceptions or alternative stories in our lives that might make the story less dreary if we added them. Today’s neuroscience discoveries are also teaching us that focusing on problems and finding the root to problems refines and deepens neuropathways which makes it even harder to see solutions. White (1989) encourages us to also notice the “exceptions” in our life stories in place of the problems, thereby creating new possibilities (and neuropathways) in which to live and perceive our experiences. The following explanation of this process by White and Epston (1990) is very interesting: “As unique outcomes are identified, persons can be encouraged to engage in performances of new meaning in relation to these. Success with this requires that the unique outcome be plotted into an alternative story about the person’s life.” (p. 41) A good way to explain this quote is to think about a person defined as a sexual abuse victim. If the person defines herself/himself as a victim, chances are that the person will live their life as such. If, however, the person defines herself/himself as a survivor, the person might live their life as such as well. The difference in language can make the difference in behavior. It makes sense, then, that assisting students, teachers, and parents to see themselves as competent may require redescribing their concerns with a more solvable description, too. In the case of Marsha, her mother only saw her as problematic and that most probably changed how she responded to Marsha as a result of the diagnoses Marsha had received. Yet, the diagnoses were only one definition of Marsha. What seemed more helpful was to begin thinking of Marsha differently and noticing times when the behaviors were not occurring as often. In this case, I referred often to Marsha as “simply off track” at home, while she is “on track” at school. This normalizing approach seemed to lessen the burden of diagnoses and allowed mom and dad to become more consistent and structured, similar to the school context.

Labels Are for Soup Cans Not Students! So, how much power does a label have? Enough to keep a high school graduate from applying to college after being told she’s not college material because her PSAT score was

Creating Possibilities through Language 29 too low. Enough to stop a student from trying to complete his math homework because he’s been told he doesn’t concentrate well enough and has attention deficit disorder. Enough to convince a parent that her elementary school child may not be able to perform like the other children because the child did not attend preschool. When labels start looming over students and parents, self-esteem drops and conventional ways of teaching the student are changed to be in sync with the label. When those ways don’t work, the label gets the credit for the problem and hope for success shrinks. Staff begin to feel as if they have done everything. Students feel defeated and quit. While diagnoses are certainly important for classifying many students into categories that can lead to different kinds of instruction, special services, interventions and even medication, it is also important to seek out additional descriptions. The solution-focused school counselor might try to add a new description to the situation when labels interfere with solution building. Otherwise, teachers and administrators feel limited in how to reach and teach students and talk to parents. Everyone feels stuck when their approaches fail. Some stop trying. The biggest loser is the student. Redescription can save the day. The next case explains how an assumption or label can intrude on a student’s efforts to change. The following case taught me more about working with a solution-focused approach and involving the system than any other case I have had in my career. While my approach in working with adolescents stayed the same, my approach with always collaborating with the school staff, systemically, changed dramatically as a result. The case shows the importance of involving everyone in the student’s system, in the intervention. It also shows the power of changing descriptions of a school client during parent conferences and teacher conferences so that everyone uses a new lens to see the student, not just the problem.

The Good Kid with No Future Marty was 13, and according to his mom, he had made A’s in elementary school. When he got to middle school, he was placed in advanced classes such as Algebra 1 and Spanish 1 because his test scores indicated that he was college material. However, during the months prior to our first meeting, Marty had stopped doing his homework and often fell asleep in class. When Marty’s mom found marijuana in his sock drawer, her suspicions were confirmed about Marty’s behavior changes. Shortly afterwards, he was expelled because he had brought marijuana to school. That was the final straw that caused his mom to make an appointment for counseling. Marty’s parents were divorced, and his mom was a teacher. When Marty’s behavior continued to get worse and he wouldn’t listen to her, Marty’s mom had his grandparents take Marty to his dad’s house, where Marty slept in a refurbished barn in the back yard that had only the bare essentials: heat, electricity and water. Marty had tried to get things back on track, but his dad continued to put him down emotionally, saying that he was a disappointment to him and his family. Marty responded with more rebellion, smoked pot in the barn, and spent his time going back and forth from one parent’s house to another. When I met individually with Marty, he was convinced that his parents thought of him as “a bad kid with no future.” We talked that first day about what the substance abuse problem had done to his relationship with his family:

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LM:

MARTY:

LM: MARTY:

LM: MARTY: LM:

LM: MARTY:

MARTY: LM: MARTY:

I know that you say you like smoking marijuana. I understand that it relaxes you and that you do it with your friends. But it also looks like it is interfering with some things in your life. Tell me how marijuana has interfered with your family life, schoolwork and friends. Well, I only smoke it with my friends, except when I am at dad’s house. I am mad that my mom went through my stuff. She’s never done that before. But I guess it interferes with school because I just don’t want to go anymore. I’d rather sleep. What about your relationship with your parents? My mom yells, but then she has always yelled. My grandparents, they come on way too strong. They come over when my mom calls them and take me out of my own house to my dad’s house. That is not cool. Then my dad gripes at me the entire time I am there. The whole thing makes me mad. It seems like your parents aren’t seeing you anymore; they just see the problem with the marijuana. Yeah. Actually, I don’t think they have ever really seen me anyway. And now they just think that I am a bad kid. How do you wish that they would begin seeing you? With that question, Marty began to sob openly, saying that there was no point in any counseling because his parents would never believe in him again. I know, but I am still wondering what you wish they would see in you and believe in again. That I am a good kid. I am really. I did get good grades. I did take care of my sister when my mother used to ask me. I did get along with my stepbrother at my dad’s. No one ever thinks of those things. They only see me one way. LM: Right. What do you think that you could begin doing that would help your mom and dad begin to see you differently, like the good kid you just mentioned? MARTY: Probably not make any more holes in the wall at my mom’s house. That really ticked her off. And probably stop smoking dope. I don’t have to do it. I just like it. LM: What else? Probably listen and do what Mom says when I am at home. LM: What about Dad? What about dad? He’s close to impossible, but if I lay off the dope, he might stop griping about that. At that point, I went out to get Marty’s parents, both of whom I had invited to the session. I had begun inviting divorced parents to sessions because I found that they often contributed ideas of what had worked with their child in their respective homes or in other places. In addition, when working with a child who visited both parental homes, I felt it was

Creating Possibilities through Language 31

LM:

PARENTS: LM:

LM: MARTY: LM: MARTY: LM: MARTY:

LM: MOM: MARTY: MOM: MARTY: MOM: MARTY:

MOM:

important for both parents to agree with the interventions that we developed together. I stopped Marty’s parents in the hallway and spoke to them. I know that your son is doing some things that you disagree with. I also know that you both are trying very hard to get him back on track. Dad, you have tried staying on him, and Mom, you have tried talking loudly to him and getting your parents to help. Would you say that these strategies have worked to accomplish what you want? Obviously not. Then when we go back into the session, I am going to use a new approach, mostly because I am concerned that the old approach that you have been trying may cause you to lose your son, and I get the impression that you don’t want to do that. Together, we are going to help him become responsible for gaining your respect back. When parents become as obsessed, as Marty’s parents were to find a way to get through to Marty, punishing him in the hope of making a point, they make things worse. For some adolescents who rarely get into trouble, consequences such as those tried by Marty’s parents work at times. But for adolescents who feel lost, hopeless and are involved with drugs, such as Marty, certain consequences don’t work. This had become the cycle where Marty made a mistake, was punished and was never acknowledged for anything that he tried to do better. At 13, he had given up on himself. That led to more time with his drug-using friends, who were accepting, resulting in more negative actions toward his family. We went back into the room, and Marty was waiting with anticipation. The tears had dried, but his eyes were still red. His parents were surprised at his emotions. Marty, I would like for you to share with your parents how you want your parents to begin seeing you. (quietly) Like I am a good kid. Tell us what you think you would need to begin doing so that they see you as a good kid. Probably stop smoking and stop making holes in my walls. What do you think your parents could do to begin helping you to accomplish that? I want to live with my mother all of the time. No offense, Dad, I like coming to see you but not living with you. The barn is cold, and you never spend time with me anyway. Mom, what will Marty need to do to stay with you? He can do what he just said. And I don’t want my grandparents spying on me. I can do this. They were just helping me. I don’t need their help. You and I just need to get along better. Like how? Like we used to do before you started working. Now you come home late and just give orders to me to take care of this and that. We used to get along better when you didn’t yell as much either. All right, if you can stop making holes and even begin patching the ones that you have already made, then I will watch the yelling and keep my parents away.

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MARTY: MOM: MARTY: DAD: MARTY:

Okay. And I intend to give you a drug test every few weeks to make sure you are not using. It isn’t allowed in either house. I know. What about school? I can get it together in school. I always have.

At this point, the session ended, and Marty moved home with his mother. I continued to see them for a month until his mother said that things were going so well that they could stop coming until school started. Over the summer, they both took time to get to know each other better, and the mother thanked her parents for their help but assured them that she could handle things from there. Marty went to summer school and passed the classes that he had been failing that spring with A’s. Soon, Marty was ready to go back to his middle school in the fall. He and mom were getting along well, and his dad had backed off from negative comments. He was showing them the “good kid.” When Marty returned to school on the first day of the fall semester, he was optimistic. Then an administrator stopped him when he walked in the door of the school and said, “Why did you even bother to come back? Don’t you know you are not welcome here?” Marty turned around and walked out the door. Three miles later, he was at home. The school called his mother to report his truancy. His mother and I called the school and did what we could to tell the administrator that he had been in counseling, had made changes, was no longer using drugs and was motivated to begin school again. Although the principal scolded the administrator for his action and called Marty herself, it did little to raise Marty’s spirits. His mother eventually placed him in a private school that fall, and although he did well there, the rebellion he had tucked away surfaced at times. As for my lesson, I learned to always communicate with the student’s system, or school staff, on what the student intended to do differently. Without such notice as an e-mail or classroom visit with the student nearby, the system that unknowingly helped to create the problematic issue would reinstate the problem. By communicating that the student had a desire to do things differently with those staff members or teachers that the student encounters daily, I noticed that change was more likely to occur and last. After countless meetings with teachers and students, I can attest to the effectiveness of involving the system consistently. To this day, whether I see a client with a school issue or are consulting at a school on a student concern, I get permission to share our plans from the student or parent and inform the system or go to the campus to meet the staff.

There Is Magic in Reauthoring As school clients describe their stories, they tell us about the experiences and descriptions that directed their past behaviors and contributed to their current problems.

Creating Possibilities through Language 33 Reauthoring (Epston & White, 1989) is simply encouraging a student or client to think of who they wish to be. By getting a rich description of their wish, they begin seeing their lives through a new lens. The reauthorship then encourages new behaviors and relieves the person of feeling hopeless, motivating him or her to engage in new behaviors that do not support the problem. Problem Talk Hyperactivity Anger problem Lazy Oppositional

Reactions Reprimand and constantly redirect Refer or promise consequences Get frustrated, try, sometimes give up Become oppositional to the student, refer

A way to change the focus from doom to dream is by redescribing the presented problem into solution talk. The lists that follow are typical descriptions composed by school counselors and educators when I provided training in the solution-focused approach. When we do the exercise, I ask them to tell me the descriptions of challenging students in their schools as problem talk and then together, we develop a more solvable solution talk list. The exercise, which is illustrated on the following page is a powerful tool to assist teachers and administrators in seeing how powerful a label can be. Each description lends itself to a reaction, which then leads an educator to seek solutions to solve it. Either the educator asks the school counselor or complains to the administration for help. While done with diligence and good intentions, it often fails. That is where redescribing a situation that is bothering a student can lead to better ideas.

Redescription Example The following two lists compose common descriptions and reactions to problematic behaviors and situations that have occurred in numerous workshops. Participants were teachers, school counselors and administrators. The list on the left was gathered when the groups were asked to describe students who demonstrated problematic behaviors at school. The second list describes their typical reactions to such problems. Describing a problem negatively, in detail, rarely motivates people to change. For example, if you have the choice to be described as having a major depressive disorder versus being sad, which would you rather be labeled as having? Which one seems temporary and which seems incapacitating? In the same way, new descriptions assist and empower students, teachers and parents. The descriptions that follow, were redescribed from the Problem Talk list and a Solution Talk list was created. The New Actions list then evolved. Look at the difference in the New Actions list, as compared to the Reactions list. Solution Talk

New Actions

Energetic Tries to protect herself Bored, yet has potential Has opinions

Allow to stand and do work/keep busy Respond calmly and listen to concerns Watch out for what is interesting to student Ask opinion/give guidelines for expression

What’s fascinating when I do this exercise, is how quickly the participants create New Actions. When they just thought of the problem talk, they were lethargic and not very vocal. Once we redescribed the same behaviors, they had new insights and possibilities

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emerged. The response to the exercise is always “I never thought like this before. Thank you.” You’re welcome.

How to Talk to Students so They Will Talk to You The attitude and perspective of the solution-focused educator when working with school clients are as vital to the process of assisting people as are the questions that are asked. The following suggestions are ideas that can be used to connect with students. 1

Talk about the experiences of the school client as if the experiences were in the past, available for reference, but also workable enough for redesigning in the future. “Sue, I certainly understand how moving four times in the past two years has made it difficult for you to feel as if you are part of the high school. I wonder how you might like things to be different now that you know you will be at this school for the next full year at least.”

Encourage and invite very young children to imagine describing their story to a child in need of a solution. “Alex, I often work with children such as you who are very angry at their parents for one reason or another. You and I have talked about how you want things to be today and you have described to me what you are going to do the next time anger gets in your way. I’d like you to tell me in your own words what I might tell the next child I see who is dealing with anger, based on what you now know.”

2

Redescribe behaviors that sound pathological into behaviors that seem solvable and common. “So, you get upset sometimes when people tell you what to do. Gee, it sounds like you’ve got your own ideas and people aren’t listening to you right now. I wonder what you might try so that people begin to listen to you. How would you like your teachers to see you? What would that look like just for today?” Normalize behaviors for the student, teacher or parent. Help them feel as if their situation occurs commonly and that they do not have a severe problem. “Ann, I am really impressed that you have stayed in the geometry class this year. Many students wouldn’t have pushed themselves to get tutoring or persevere like you have. Even though your grade is low, you keep on going. How do you manage to have such drive?”

3

Pretend that the student’s issue is considered to be Act 1 in their life and you wish to construct with them, Act 2.

Construct “Act 2” with the student. Help the student to change the characters, if necessary, the interactions and behaviors into a new scene in which the student does things differently.

Creating Possibilities through Language 35 “Imagine, Juan, if you woke up tomorrow and you are going to be in Act 2, just for that day. What might your character be doing on that day that others would notice and appreciate? What would you be pleased about your character when the day was finished?” Assume change will occur or has already occurred. “Lauren, someday soon when the sadness about your grandfather’s death is not bothering you as often as now, what will you be doing more of?” “Jonathan, when you bring your grades back up to passing in the next few weeks or so, what will be different for you, here at school and at home?” “Mr. Smith, when Priya begins to comply with your rules at home, what do you see as happening more often at home between the two of you?” Notice how the language makes a difference in the above suggested dialogues. Using when rather than if sends a message that the changes will happen. This use of presuppositional language is a suggestive way of not only suggesting success but obtaining answers. If, for example, a student is asked, “If things change for you, what do you think might be different?” the chances are that the student will say, “I don’t know.” But if the same student is coaxed again by words such as, “Tell me what will change for you when things are different soon,” this becomes an optimistic look into the future. This use of language is particularly helpful for students who are not as verbal as the educator might wish. This way of talking not only helps school clients to state what they want to happen, but it also helps them to recognize that it can happen. That leads to trying it out.

A Story about School Refusing—Contributed by David Epston The following case, contributed by David Epston, co-director of the Family Therapy Centre in Auckland, New Zealand, shows how a new focus on an old problem motivated the student to change his behavior. The case illustrates the use of various narrative ideas so that the adolescent concerned begins to see himself differently and gives up negative behaviors for new ones. Because Epston wrote the case study, the “I” mentioned throughout refers to Epston. Fifteen-year-old Ronald was the very intelligent only son of a frail 70-year-old father and 54-year-old mother. This family had been known to our agency for some time. His father had retired recently and ever since that day, Ronald started refusing school. My colleagues asked me to see this family, as they had grave fears that Mr. Peterson who had had open heart surgery recently, would not survive Ronald’s temper tantrums, which involved breaking windows and smashing furniture. Mrs. Peterson also suffered from angina and there was concern for her health too. Several things impressed me upon reading the file. Ronald, despite his infrequent neurological disorder as a three-year-old, and, despite reassurances from a neurologist, pediatrician and child psychiatrist, that Ronald’s problems had resolved themselves, Mr. Peterson remained unconvinced Ronald could change. The family entered my room with Ronald at its head followed by his mother and then some time later by his father. I asked Ronald why he wasn’t attending school. He said: “Because of the headaches!” Before the word was hardly uttered, Mr. Peterson offered me the medical history, his attendance at school and said that he was maintaining an A average. Apparently Mr. Peterson had suffered through Ronald’s neurological disorder as much as Ronald. When he was finished, I said, “Ronald, what did you get in history?” He said, “A.” I turned to his father, “Mr. Peterson, do you think

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some of your son’s brain is missing?” “No!” he said with increasing gusto. “Ronald, what did you get in biology?” “A.” “Mr. Peterson, do you think your son’s brain is moulded?” “No!” I then turned my attention to Ronald, “Ronald, how long did your last headache last?” He told me proudly, “Half an hour.” “That’s nothing! Why last week I met a boy your age who had a headache for three days. Matter of fact, he sat in the chair you are sitting in now. Guess how long it took for his self-hypnosis to work?” Ronald said, “I don’t know.” “Twenty minutes. That’s all. Do you want to ring him up? I know he’d be glad to tell you all about it. He’s a smart kid like you.” As usual, he declined my offer, but showed a keen interest in “self-hypnosis.” “I suppose you want to learn about hypnosis?” He agreed. I outlined what practice was required of him and ushered the Peterson family out of my room. They were surprised later that their consultation had lasted over 20 minutes. I sent them the following letter: Dear Friends, Ronald has agreed to return to school in return for hypnotic anesthesia training. I will expect 95 percent attendance and that sickness be defined as at least 101 degrees Fahrenheit. Ronald will practice having headaches at home for one hour per day. His parents have agreed to leave him alone for this period of time. Ronald has agreed to keep a daily record of the time he induced his headache, the time he stopped his headache, what was going on, etc. In general, Ronald will take over responsibility for his headaches. Ronald, I will contact you on the first day of the next school term to see if you have proven yourself. Good luck! Yours sincerely, David Epston I contacted the family on the arranged date. Ronald’s attendance had been 100 percent since I saw him, and he had gone happily off to school for the first day of this term. There had been no headaches or “temper outbursts.” Mrs. Peterson also noticed that he had even shown restraint on a number of occasions. I wrote Ronald the following letter: Dear Ron, I know you have lived up to your side of the bargain and that your headaches have disappeared. If you wish to commence your self-hypnosis training, fine. Ring me. If you feel it is no longer necessary, get in touch with me when you stop attending school the next time. I know I can depend on you. Yours sincerely, David Epston

Be Noteworthy David Epston makes it a habit to write notes to his school clients. His habit developed when he recognized that he needed to take case notes anyway, so why not send along a copy to his school clients? This is another way of reinforcing a school client’s new discovery and changing his or her thinking with language. Remember when someone in your life put a note in your lunch box, or when your spouse remembered to write down just the right message on your anniversary card? The educator who takes the time to write a special note or compliment on a sticky note and puts it discreetly on the desk of a secondary student or in an elementary student’s backpack for the trip home can make a huge difference. Michael White (1989) said that a note sent to someone in counseling is worth six visits of counseling in terms of influencing the

Creating Possibilities through Language 37 student to change. Imagine how that could both streamline your time and benefit the student! Try sending a note to a teacher who is struggling with a class or student, or a parent who feels overwhelmed. When Terry Walkup, a school counselor in Plano, Texas, learned that an adolescent he had been working with had walked away from a gang fight for the first time that year, he quickly wrote a note to the student, commending her on the courage it took to walk away. At their next meeting, the student acknowledged how nice it was to get the letter and for him to notice. The note took about two minutes to write; the effects lasted the rest of the term. The student might not have acknowledged that it was her courage that helped her back down until the counselor took the time to describe it as such. The student, having thought of herself as stuck in the gang, changed her thinking after reading the note. Take the time to notice when school works for your students and write those instances down in a note. The language of possibilities can convey support and belief in a school client and then maintain and amplify change!

Using Language to Construct Helpful Questions David Epston’s letter writing does much to amplify the competency that he sees in his clients. Not only do the clients hear validating responses from David, they see them as well, in his letters. To begin learning how to compose validating responses and questions to situations, read the following scenarios as examples. • • • •

•

•

Mom, what new behaviors will tell you that your daughter is capable of being responsible for her curfew? When have you helped her achieve responsibility in the past? When else? When this problem of being referred to the office is no longer happening, Jay, what difference will that make to you, your teacher and your father? What else? Someday when the talking habit is not bothering you as much, Carly, how will you know? What will you be doing, exactly, that will tell you and I that things are better? What else? When you begin passing four of your five classes, Shawn, what difference will that make to you and your parents? What will they notice you doing that will assure them you have what it takes to pass? What else? Mia, when you start showing your teacher the kind of student you can be, what will she see that will please her? When she sees that in you, what difference will that make for you? What else? Someday, Ms. James, when you are at your best in your classroom, what will the students notice about you? What will that mean to you? What else?

There are several key words and phrases to notice in these questions: Someday when … When you begin … When you start … What new behaviors …? What else? What difference will that make? These phrases and words are helpful in assisting school clients to visualize their solutions in the future. It is also important to note that when having such conversations with students, teachers and parents, answers such as “I don’t know,” or, “I don’t want …” will happen. This most likely happens because students in particular are not used to being asked questions such as these. They are used to being told what would make things better for them. A way out of the “stuckness” is to keep asking the same questions differently. This may take a few attempts. One clever question that often works was coined by Chris Iveson (2016): “What would your best friend say you would be doing?”

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That takes pressure off of the student, as it does not mean the student has to brag on himself. Instead, he just imagines his best friend’s answer. Additionally, in these questions, notice the addition of the question, “What else?” This question should be asked at least five times! At least! Each time you ask the “What else?” question, you may have to wait as the school client thinks about the answer, but then you will start noticing that the answers will be deeper and more meaningful. Detharickale T. Bradshaw, an elementary school counselor in Rosenberg, Texas, writes about his experiences in asking the “what difference would it make?” question. He writes: I have a third-grade student that I am working with who is having a difficult time being away from his parents. It makes him sad. I followed the solution-focused process and asked him what difference it would make if he could enter the building without feeling sad. Also, what difference would it make for his parents if he would enter the building without crying? He shared his thoughts with me, and towards the end, I asked what he needed from me to enter the building without feeling sad. Based on his answer, he wanted me to do a scaling question check throughout the day. If he gave me a thumbs up, he would let me know everything is well. If he did a thumb sideways, it would notify me that things were okay, but he would work through it. A thumbs down would be my way of knowing that he needs to see me immediately. Every day, I see the progress, and I remind him how successful he is, that he has everything he needs to solve his problem. The great news is that his parents and teachers are also a part of the system and are all working together. Again, the problem is not essential; the SOLUTION is the goal. Yes, Detharickale, the solution is the goal, and when it is the student’s solution, the result is…exceptional.

Applying Language and Questions to Specific Situations Here are some more examples of some situations where using language and solutionfocused questions can transform a tough situation into possibilities: 1

A student is referred for misbehaving in class:

Student: Response:

2

I don’t know how I want things to be. I don’t know either. Suppose you wake up tomorrow and when you go to school on that day, things go better in Ms. Han’s classroom. What might you begin doing that would help things work out slightly better for you? What would she notice?

A teacher is concerned about a student’s disrespectful behavior and has come to the office with the student. She wants to drop off the student with you to fix!

Teacher:

I just want her to stop behaving so badly in my class. It is bothering the other students and I find it disrespectful. Response to Teacher: Okay, so instead of her behaving badly in your class, what would she be doing differently someday that would be helpful to you and to other students? What else? When have you noticed her doing some of these actions before, even in other areas such as in the hallway, other classes, etc.?What difference would it make to YOU, when she begins trying out some of those actions?

Creating Possibilities through Language 39 Response to Student:

3

How might Ms. Jenkins help you to start trying out these ideas? What could she do to keep you on track in the classroom? What can you do? What else?

A student is complaining about a teacher who is dismissive to him.

Student: Response: Student: Response: Student: Response:

Mr. Domingo hates me. He picks on me and nobody else. I am beginning to hate AP English. So, what does Mr. Jackson not realize yet about you? That I am a good kid who really wants to do well in his class. It’s a big deal to be in anAP class. It’s the first time I have taken one. I wonder what you could begin doing to show Mr. Jackson that you are so driven to do well? Would it be okay if we spoke with Mr. Jackson when I walk you back to class? I guess.The counselor takes the student back to Mr. Jackson’s class and knocks on the classroom door to speak to the teacher. Mr. Jackson, I have just talked with Raul. He told me he is quite glad to be in an AP class but thinks that perhaps you don’t see that he is a good kid who wants to do well in your class. He has just told me he is determined to try out some new actions. Would you please watch for signs that he is trying and that he really wants to do well?

Each of these scenarios illustrate typical situations in schools, yet different dialogues. Notice that not once was a response anything but asking a new question, based on the response given by the school client. The questions led the school client to the beginnings of solution building.

When Searching for Solutions, Find Exceptions The ideas behind the solution-focused approach suggest that insight is not necessary for change. Knowing what is wrong does not provide suggestions for doing things better. Instead, such knowledge is often debilitating to educators and students, as it creates all sorts of reasons why a student cannot succeed. But, fortunately, gazing into past successful behaviors, or exceptions, can provide clues to doing things successfully once again. The exceptions become key to developing solutions for change. Exceptions are: • • • •

Times when a problem occurs less often Times when a person is able to refrain from participating in the problem Times when a problem does not interfere with a person’s life Times when the problem does not seem as intense

As an example, a high school football quarterback may take the time to watch the mistakes he made after the football game in the film room. He may want to see which plays did not work. However, watching plays that did work will give him more clues to being successful. If I want to learn how to play the piano, I might not learn well if I hear someone playing the wrong notes. However, hearing the correct notes and practicing until I can play them may help me learn how to play.

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In the same way, checking with students about the times when they experienced some success can enlighten them on what to do next. Asking questions such as the following can help you and the student to gather exceptions: “What is it about Math class that works better for you?” “What goes on in that class that seems to help?” “What does the teacher do that makes the difference for you?” “What are you doing in that class that is leading you towards doing well in that class?” “What was different last year that seemed to help in other classes?” “What else seems to work?” (Ask at least five times) The exceptions are the music of the solution-focused approach. It has been my experience that many counseling tasks fail when school clients are asked to do tasks that are new or so foreign to them that they simply do not have the skills to carry them out. By focusing on current or past exceptions to the problems and letting those exceptions become the solutions, the chances of success increase because the school client has done them before. In other words, the solution-focused approach never suggests that a school client do something new. Instead, it is more focused on discovering what has worked before in a variety of situations. That way, failure is not an option.

Recycling We Shall Go: Using Exceptions in Other Situations Mara was experiencing difficulties with her two children. She said that the children refused to do chores, listen to her expectations or come home on time. She was sure that her parenting skills would end up costing her custody of the children. She said her goal was to “learn how to get my children’s attention, so they know I am serious about my expectations.” After asking about her occupation, I learned that she had taught fifth grade for almost ten years. During that time, she told me she had received excellent reviews and was team leader for her grade level. I asked how she managed to run such an effective classroom. She then told me her solution: “I have rules to go by; the first day of school I go over them until they are crystal clear. I stick to my guns about the rules. I’m fair but I always follow through. With fifth graders you have to, so they don’t run over you. I give assignments that are fair. If the students want to question my assignment, I go over it with them and compromise. I’m really consistent. When I say I’m going to do something, I do it—that goes for rewards and punishments.” After she described the effective way that she managed her classroom, I commended her on her ability to run things so smoothly and then wondered out loud how she might begin to apply the same excellent methods at home. She became very quiet. She then said that home was different, with different types of relationships. I agreed with her yet wondered out loud if the skills might be just as effective with her children (ages 10 and 12) as they were for fifth grade students. She said she would try. In two weeks, she returned, saying that her children were behaving better, and she was less stressed.

Different Situations, Similar Language I admit to feeling overwhelmed at times, with school clients who present so many tragic or overwhelming situations to discuss. My head spins with so many thoughts of how to be

Creating Possibilities through Language 41 helpful. But, what saves me every time is listening, putting aside any ideas of my own and asking “So, what are your best hopes for our time?” or, “What can we talk about today that would be the most helpful to you?” Immediately, my school client takes me to what is the most important for them to discuss. That is the key to the efficiency and brevity of the approach. Here are some exception gathering questions applied to a variety of situations. Each question is crafted from the school client’s goal. “Tell me about the times when you were able to speak to your mother in a calm way?” “When was the last time you were slightly successful in school? What did you do then that worked? How did you do that?” “When was the last time you noticed Roberto sitting still in his seat? What was going on in class at the time? Where was he sitting? What else was different?” “How have you controlled this problem with anger before? What did you do so that you were in control?” “I see that you passed six out of eight classes. How did you manage to pass those six? What would the teachers in those classes say you did that worked for you?” “What did the teachers do that worked for you?” “You have been off drugs for almost two months now. Today you are telling me how hard it is to be around it at times. How did you make it for two months? What was your strategy?” “Your concern about alcohol at the next party is admirable. Not many kids can tell me about their fear of alcohol. You seem like the kind of person who really takes care of yourself. How have you avoided similar situations in the past?” “The idea of sex with your boyfriend is a real worry to you. I’ve noticed over the past months that you are a very careful young lady. You seem to choose your friends carefully, and you take the right classes for college-bound students. How have you made such effective decisions in the past? I wonder how that might help now?” “Mr. and Mrs. Zapiro, you must be extremely proud that your son has been chosen by four top colleges for admission. Henry, I am very excited that you have been chosen for admission to Harvard, Stanford, Rice and Baylor. What a tough decision! How have the three of you made decisions similar to this one in your family before?” “Jeanie, I am impressed that you have not cut yourself for the last three days. Tell me, what else you did instead of cutting to relieve the stress when it came along?”

Noticing Exceptions in the Moment I remember times, as a school counselor, when school clients came to my office with a referral for anger or disrespect, sat down, said hello and began talking to me in a cordial manner. I couldn’t help myself from asking them during those times, “Wow, it looks like the anger and disrespect that this referral describes certainly did not come into my office with you. What’s different in here that is helping you to be in control of anger/disrespect?” Here are some other sample questions to help you see the power of spontaneously noticing exceptions in the moment: “Tim, I’ve noticed that you haven’t let ‘energy’ take over this morning and keep you out of your seat in class. How have you done that?” “Todd, I can’t believe your performance on the court today. How did you pull it together out there in spite of being disappointed in yourself?”

42

Basics Behind the Approach “Latisha, your teacher sent you to talk to me because she was worried about your being so quiet in class. How have you managed to talk to me so freely for the past 20 minutes?” “Jacob, your vice principal sent you here and said you were very unruly and angry in the lunch line about 20 minutes ago. I’m wondering how you calmed yourself so quickly. How did you do that? What would she say you did? ” “Ann, your grandmother died so suddenly last week. I am amazed at the peace in your eyes as your talk of your special times with her. How have you managed to deal with her death so peacefully?”

Notice the amazement that the language conveys, as used in the questions. The amazement becomes an indirect compliment to the school client, who suddenly sits up, smiles and says, “I don’t know.” When that occurs, the rest of the conversation centers around finding out more about the student’s competencies so when the student finally leaves your office, the problem seems smaller and the school client a little taller.

Praise? It’s Not as Good as Curiosity! When my daughter was in second grade, she had an amazing teacher. The first day of school many years ago, I went to meet her after school. Right before the school bell rang, I found her teacher speaking softly to the children in Kelli’s class: “Students, in all my years of teaching, I have never experienced such a wonderful first day of school with such wonderful children. We are going to have a great year.” I approached her and she turned to me and said, “Linda, I can’t believe it, they are all angels.” The children glowed, lined up for their bus trip home, and seemed to float out of their classroom like angels. Across the hall, I heard another second-grade teacher who apparently did not have such a favorable day. She wasn’t speaking softly; she was screaming: “This is the first day of school, and already you are not following the rules. Move here! Stay in line! No talking! Stop that!” I again watched as those children followed suit to that teacher’s outrage and reacted accordingly disrupting the hallway and giving the teacher a hard time. Her affect conveyed her frustration, and the children responded in kind. I felt badly for the teacher as I watched her walk gloomily to her car. I wonder if she would ever think about her part in creating a climate where the students would follow the rules. I would have loved to say to her: “It seems like a tough day. Tell me times in the past when you taught before, where students did follow the rules slightly better. What was different then? What would the students in your class say was different in any way?” Notice the words, “slightly better.” Words such as these minimize a big success and encourage even the smallest of exceptions.

Coping Is a Skill to Be Amplified Tricia Long, a school counselor, related the story of a young student currently living with an abusive mother and her companion. The counselor had reported the verbal abuse to the proper

Creating Possibilities through Language 43 authorities, but the child still was not removed from the home. In individualized counseling, the counselor began to brag to the child how brave she was and asked her how she coped with things at home when it became difficult. The child described reading her book, calling a friend, listening to tapes, and holding her stuffed animals when she was sad and her mom yelled at her abusively. The counselor continued to affirm her methods to calm herself and remove herself from the tough situations. The counselor had encouraged her to tell her father, whom she visited every other weekend, about the abuse. The child had refused in the past for fear that her mother would become worse. After two weeks of following the support of the solution-focused approach with her school counselor, on her next weekend visit with her dad, the child told him of the verbal abuse. He filed for custody and won. There will be times as a school counselor when our school clients have to deal with terrible circumstances. I am always thankful when faced with situations such as Tricia’s to be able to ask school clients, “How are you managing, in spite of the situation, to come to school, look nice, and be ready to learn? You are amazing. Tell me your secret.” This is another indirect compliment that builds competency and selfefficacy. It also builds what social emotional advocates call self-awareness. Students in tough situations are often stuck but become more resilient when we notice and inquire how they make it through.

Columbo—the Non-Expert One way to approach and reinforce a situation where a school client did things slightly better is to act perplexed and ask, “How did you know to do that?” By doing this, the school counselor gives all of her curiosity to the student, who then feels quite powerful that he confused a competent adult with his skills! The glow on his face may be priceless: COUNSELOR:

BODE: COUNSELOR:

Bode, you know, you had such a terrific morning, doing your work and staying on task. I am baffled and excited for you. How did you manage to be so responsible? I don’t know. I don’t know either, but I can’t wait to see what you do this afternoon. You are quite amazing.

Notice how the school counselor complimented Bode. If he had simply praised him, he might have said: “Bode, you did a fine job finishing your work this morning. I am proud of you. I hope you do the same this afternoon.” What’s different? Here, the school counselor is the expert, giving out his approval to the student. In the previous dialogue where the school counselor is more curious, it is the student who is the star and the school counselor merely an observer. This builds confidence and motivation.

Don’t Internalize Problems— Externalize Them White and Epston (1990) describe externalizing the problem as “an approach to therapy that encourages persons to objectify and, at times, to personify the problems that they experience as oppressive. In this process, the problem becomes a separate entity and thus external to the person or relationship that was ascribed as the problem” (p. 38).

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When I walk into schools to see a client or consult, I often hear description such as: He’s ADHD. She’s Bi-polar. These labels serve to cripple us all with worries of how we can possibly help. In those cases, it is often helpful to literally separate the school client from the problem. Children and adolescents like to talk about problems as if they were outside of themselves. An adolescent usually understands easily how his “attitude” gets in the way of a good relationship with his teacher. A child understands how the “talking habit” keeps her from recess. As school clients begin to see themselves as intruded on by problems, they begin to move around the problem to get back on track. When Michael White (1989), began externalizing problems, he found that his client families often felt like failures, since everyone had tried various ways of solving the child’s problem. Working with ill children primarily, he began to externalize the problem of their illness, as an entity in itself that could be maintained or dissolved. As he offered this suggestion for families, the children felt empowered and decided to eliminate the power of the problem over their lives by externalizing it and not allowing its influences to intrude as often. Externalizing problems helps school clients see the problems as separate from themselves and see themselves not as failures but intruded on by a problem. White (1989) mentions what externalizing the problem accomplishes: It decreases unproductive conflict between persons, including disputes over who is responsible for the problem. It undermines the sense of failure that has developed for many persons in response to the continuing existence of the problem despite attempts to resolve it. It paves the way for persons to cooperate with each other, to unite in a struggle against the problem, and to escape its influence in their lives and relationships. It opens up new possibilities for persons to take action to retrieve their lives and relationships from the problem and its influence. It frees persons to take a lighter, more effective, and less stressed approach to problems. While the solution-focused approach tends to not pay attention to problems and instead, focus more on the destination of the client, there are times when I divert to narrative therapy and use externalizing as a means of getting buy in that a change is needed in a school client’s life. Perhaps, for example, the school client is so discouraged about the current events around his misbehavior or anger or trauma that he cannot imagine an answer to “What are your best hopes?” When that happens, I prefer to step into the world view with the school client and offer a chance for us to separate the problem from the school client, so the school client can: a b

Get relief from thinking she is the problem. Compose a list of what the problem is causing in her life (mapping the effects of the problem).

The following are steps that show how the process might unfold when working with a school client.

Creating Possibilities through Language 45

Externalizing Problems and Internalizing Solutions 1

2

3

4 5

6

Listen for words that the school client uses, including words such as “it,” “my problem” or “anger,” and identify the problem with the student and together give the problem a name. A tablet and markers can also be used to draw the problem if desired. Talk about the problem externally by asking the school client to describe what happens when the problem is too close. For example, when the anger takes over, what happens to the school client? Talk about who notices and who reacts when that happens. Ask the school client to imagine what it would be like if a new creature that was more helpful appeared. Or, what skill could appear to help the problem shrink. Talk at length about how things would be different, who would notice, who would be surprised. Come up with a plan to keep the problem away for a short time and help the school client to be specific in detailing what she will do to keep the problem away. With the school client’s permission, share with the teacher that the student is going to try to defeat the problem that is bothering her. Ask the teacher to watch out for times when the student tries to do so. When the school client begins to have success, draw up a certificate of success, proclaiming her as more powerful over the problem.

An Externalizing Conversation with a Teacher Consider the following dialogue with a teacher about depression, which was keeping her from being her best in the classroom. We changed the word “depression” to “sadness” in an effort to normalize yet stay respectful of the issue. COUNSELOR:

COUNSELOR: TEACHER: COUNSELOR: TEACHER: COUNSELOR: TEACHER: COUNSELOR: TEACHER:

How has this sadness interfered with your ability to teach effectively? TEACHER: It keeps me from enjoying my students, being creative in the holiday activities I used to love, and from looking forward to the next day. COUNSELOR: How else is the sadness trapping you and keeping you from being the person you want to be? TEACHER: Well, I go home and just sit, or I go to school and think about how bad things are since Jim left me, or I think that things will never get better. How many hours a day would you say you let sadness interfere like that? It’s worse in the morning for about an hour and then at night, three hours. Really, so about four hours a day? Yes. What about the other waking hours of the day? How many would that leave? About eight, I guess. Does the sadness bother you as much during those hours? No, because I’m here at school or doing things for my kids at home.

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COUNSELOR: TEACHER: COUNSELOR: TEACHER: COUNSELOR:

How do you keep the sadness from bothering you so that you are able to do things for your children or at school? I have to. I have to do certain things to survive. That’s great—wow—with all of this going on, you still think ahead, about surviving, and do it because you have to. Yes, my kids depend on me. You certainly are tuned in to what others need from you. Based on what you’ve told me this morning about how you keep the sadness from interfering as much for eight hours a day, what do you think you might try to keep it away, say, for nine hours?

The dialog pulls together the importance of language and suggests how externalizing the problem of depression and redescribing it as sadness can convey a person’s strength. The reference to the sadness as external helps it to become a target to defeat. Since the depression did not paralyze the teacher’s life completely by diminishing her ability to go to school and care for her children and herself, the counselor assumed that she was winning the battle with the sadness at least part of the time. The school counselor simply pointed out her competency. This normalizing of how she handled sadness encouraged her since it meant she was not paralyzed by its influence. A note from the counselor to the teacher shortly after the meeting might be constructed as follows: Dear Tamara, I was glad to meet with you today. I have always been impressed with your dedication to teaching, and after meeting with you today, that impression proved correct. You truly have your priorities straight. You want things better in your life and even though you are dealing with some sadness, you gallantly keep going, saying, “I just have to.” I was touched by your determination to do something different; I still am amazed that you fight off the sadness so well, allowing it to bother you for short periods of time in a very long day. I look forward to hearing more ways that you are learning to keep sadness away from times that you want to enjoy. Sonia

The Temper Tantrum That Became a Snake Kathy, age six, her two siblings, and her mother came to visit the counselor after Kathy was reported to have temper tantrums in school as well as at home. Her mother reported that she had recently divorced the children’s father due to his alcoholism and that all the family members had been experiencing difficulty with Kathy’s tantrums, which disrupted the household. The mother described her older children as “taunting” to Kathy, which encouraged the tantrums. Kathy had a difficult time sitting still in the meeting, trying to capture the attention of everyone. The family presented a goal of “getting along better.” When asked how that would take form, the mother described a possible scenario of Kathy being calm and the older children being more cordial to her.

Creating Possibilities through Language 47 The counselor presented Kathy with several stuffed animals from which to choose “the temper tantrum animal” and “the calm animal.” Kathy quickly chose a bright snake for “temper tantrum” and a soft white elephant for “calmness.” The counselor mentioned to Kathy that the “calm animal” was magical (White, 1989), and as long as she clutched the animal close to her, it would keep her calm. The counselor gathered the older siblings around Kathy and told them, with Kathy’s agreement, that as long as Kathy held the “calm animal,” it was a symbol that they could not taunt her. The older children seemed quite intrigued by the idea and on hearing their role, left the immediate area to play quietly by themselves. The mother liked the idea and promised to remind Kathy of the “calm animal” and its powers, should Kathy forget. Kathy soon felt more powerful in her life, and her siblings realized her power as well. As a result, she gave up the temper tantrum and became quite fond of the white elephant. The following is a worksheet entitled “My Solutions,” that can be used alongside the dialogue for externalizing problems. Again, the visual of a worksheet that a school counselor can use and then give to the student can be a reminder to stand up to the problem. Additionally, in groups, the same sheet can be given to group members. What is helpful in groups is the cohesion that develops when the group begins identifying times when the problems of others do not interfere at school. The same externalizing steps in this chapter can be used for groups of students dealing with a variety of situations.

My Solutions! Name: Date: New name for the problem: _______________________________________________________________ How things will be for me when the problem is solved: _______________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________ Times when the “problem” is less of a problem for me: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5.

_______________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________

How I will conquer the problem for today (this week, and so on) based on how I did before: 1. 2. 3.

_______________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________

Scaling Down Trauma through Externalizing Adolescents or children who have survived physical, sexual or emotional abuse, lived with chemically dependent parents or have observed violent acts, often find great nurturing from a

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counselor who describes their survival skills as the best she has ever seen. While The American School Counseling Association does not recommend individual sessions, favoring group or classroom guidance, occasionally the school counselor can begin offering support. Some parents may not have the financial ability to take their children/adolescent to counseling, yet the student still comes to school and their emotional and academic life is impacted. By meeting with the student at least once individually to construct a timeline (as described in the following section) the student may begin seeing herself as victorious over the event. Placing the abuse in a context of being one small part of the school client’s long life to come, changes the perception that the school client must stay in that story for life. In addition, by talking to the school client as if the effects of the abuse are separate from her personhood, the school client begins to feel freer to escape, survive and move away from the effects of the situation. One method that is useful in assisting school clients dealing with traumatic situations is to draw a timeline on a large piece of paper or even a chalkboard, such as the timeline example that follows. A school counselor can help the school client place her birth at the beginning of the timeline on the left and then ask the client about the typical life span of her family members. Once this information is added, the client is asked what she would like to call the event that happened to her. The event is named (externalized) and can be written below the dot on the timeline. The school counselor can begin showing the school client how many years are left in her very long life. They begin to brainstorm how it will be for the school client to move far away from the event every day. Typically, just visualizing how the client has already moved away from the event brings relief. Then together the school counselor and school client can glance at the timeline weekly and talk about what’s gone better as the school client moves forward in her life. Those notes can be added below that portion of the timeline. • • 80 _____________________________________________________________________________________ birth event family life

A Timeline to Heal When Casey, age ten, first came to counseling after being sexually abused by an older boy, he rarely got out of a fetal position while sitting on the couch in my office. He refused to talk about the event, so I was quite careful to talk about it differently. When I drew the timeline, I asked him to tell me what the event was like for him. With a few small suggestions he came up with a description that it was like a very deep, black hole. I drew a hole above the timeline where the event happened and then asked him to imagine moving forward. He slowly sat up on the couch and became more engaged. I talked too, as I moved my marker along the timeline, about how he had nothing to do with what happened to him and that I was sorry that such an event happened at all. Together we colored the black hole a very black color and then began to talk about what he could do for the next week until I saw him whenever the black hole came to bother him. He said: “Play a video game.” “Go outside and ride my bike.” “Watch television.” “Play with Dad.” “Ride a skateboard.” “Listen to a CD.” Casey continued with his list in a much more playful manner as I exclaimed each time how brilliant he was to think of such a great strategy to escape from the black hole. He

Creating Possibilities through Language 49 brightened more as the session ended. I made a copy of our paper with the timeline and his list of solutions and gave it to him before he left that day. I asked him to use his own ideas to escape the black hole during the next week. After two more weeks of counseling, Casey brightened enough that we agreed to do checkups once a month for a few months. His dad reported that while Casey still clung to him on occasion, all he needed to say was, “Ok, so how are we going to shrink that black hole right now?” Language in the solution-focused and narrative therapy approach can make all the difference. It just takes a good solution ear to listen, write down key words that school clients use, name problems and then construct solutions based on how school clients want to reclaim their lives.

I Now Declare You Certified! A final way of supporting school clients after they have defeated the problem and improved is to offer a certificate. The certificate might include the problem description, the exceptions that helped solve the problem, and the signature of the educator. (A reproducible certificate is included at the end of this chapter.) White and Epston (1990) routinely gave certificates to their school clients and families. The certificate can be a surprise or a promise, whatever is more appropriate. It is also fun to compose the certificate together with the student. Find a software program such as Word and look for a template certificate. If the student likes video games, cut and paste a picture from the internet of a favorite character who is great at standing up to a problem on the certificate. The sky is the limit when creating a certificate. The important part is that it is composed by both of you. This rite of passage can be presented in several ways: in a group setting, teacherstudent conference, parent conference, or individual session. Small groups or classes can vote each week and choose who has been the most successful at managing his or her behavior and contributing to the class or group, and so on. The nominations must be accompanied by specific exceptions in order to be considered for election. Hearing about what others think you’ve done well is usually a morale booster. And, teachers love certificates too!

Summary On a Friday afternoon, several years ago, a vice principal approached me as I left for home and asked me this question: “How do you do this? Don’t you carry home the burdens of your students on the weekend and worry about them?” When I heard myself quickly tell her, “No, I don’t,” I felt rather embarrassed. I quickly made up for the embarrassment by sharing with her that I believe each student knows how to take care of himself. “They have the skills to have survived so far. I trust that they can make it over the weekend.” I smiled to myself and realized that the solution-focused approach is not just for school clients, it is for us, the school counselors. As you begin to use the language suggested in this chapter and the useful idea of externalizing problems, you may find that your counseling load lightens. You may also find that you leave each day more hopeful yourself.

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Solution-Focused Training Exercise: Chapter Two Today, consider writing someone you work with a note. Remember a note you might have received once and how it made you feel about yourself or something you had done. Noticing is detective work! Exceptions abound but are often difficult for people to notice. Today, notice what someone does well and see it as exceptional: • • • • • •

A teacher who always seems to have her students’ attention The principal who puts in long hours The janitor who smiles and jokes with students in the hallway The bus driver who waits for that one last student to board The parent who has too much to do but still manages to participate in class activities The secretary who remains level-headed and focused on the most hectic days

Write a note using one of the forms shown here, describing what you noticed him or her doing that seemed to make a difference. Watch the reactions! Dear _________________________________________: I am amazed at you! How did you do that? _______________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________ “Secret Admirer” Signature _______________________________________ _______________________________________________________________ Dear _________________________________________: No one does it better than you. I am proud to know you. _______________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________ “Secret Admirer” Signature _______________________________________ _______________________________________________________________

Creating Possibilities through Language 51

References Epston, D. (1989). Collected papers. Adelaide, South Australia: Dulwich Centre Publications. White, M., & Epston, D. (1990). Narrative means to therapeutic ends. New York: Norton. Iveson, C. (2016). Presentation, personal communication. London. White, M. (1989). Selected papers. Adelaide, South Australia: Dulwich Centre.

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One morning at school, a ninth-grade girl wandered into my office “by mistake,” she said. Julie seemed quite agitated and said she wasn’t sure whose office she was looking for, but she needed to talk to someone because she was getting ready to fight another girl in the cafeteria. Apparently, the other girl had been bullying her at school, and Julie was tired of it. I introduced myself and told Julie that I was delighted that it was my office that she wandered into, as I liked getting to know students on the campus. After a few minutes, I asked if talking to me would work, and she said, “I guess.” I soon learned that Julie had moved from another city three months ago and had enrolled at our school early in the school year. At first, she seemed reluctant to talk a lot about her old school, but soon told me that she had been in trouble there regularly. Here is how our conversation evolved: LM: JULIE:

LM: JULIE: LM: JULIE: LM: JULIE: LM:

So, tell me, how have things been different for you since you moved here? Well, I haven’t been in any trouble. Last year, well, getting in trouble was a weekly thing for me. After a while, I didn’t care. But I have been good here, and today is the last day for me to be good. I have had it with that girl putting me down in front of my friends. I’ll bet you have had it. But tell me, how is it that you have been able to maintain such dignity for the first three months of school here? Well, I was grounded almost every weekend last year. I wanted to go out and do things at my new school. And has that been happening for you? Yes, until last weekend when I stayed out an hour later than I was supposed to. But other than that, yeah, things have been going pretty well. That is really remarkable that you had the courage and fortitude to change your life like that. Tell me, who noticed the change in you this year? I guess my mom did. We all live with her and my grandmother. They both tell me sometimes that they aren’t so worried lately since I am doing okay. You know, should you decide not to fight the girl in the cafeteria today, I would really like to know about it. I will be here tomorrow, and if you stop by and tell me that you decided to keep your dignity, I would like to call your mom and commend her on having such a respectable daughter.

(Silence. And, weird looks from Julie!)

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Julie left my office calmer than she entered. She came back to my office the next day and informed me that when she left my office and headed toward the cafeteria, she decided to sit at another table, away from the girl who bullied her. I called her mother and described her daughter as one who valued her dignity enough to make wise decisions on how to handle problems. Julie just smiled when I talked to her mother. Afterwards, she said, “Thanks, Dr. Metcalf. I was in trouble last night, so this is going to help me a lot!”

Problem Focused versus Solution Focused If I had been problem focused, I could have talked to Julie about the consequences of fighting at school. I could have even assumed that she was purposely undermining herself after having a successful three months of school. I could have inquired about what she had done at the other school. But none of that information would have helped me help her deal with the situation in a competent manner. Instead, I looked at Julie as a student who seemed to value mentoring from her teacher. I had no history, so I just got to meet Julie. Then, when we finished our conversation, Julie seemed to look at herself differently than when she entered my office that day. She had a new description. While I doubt that she would have used the term “dignity and integrity” in her own self-description, she undoubtedly listened to me as I wondered about those two attributes out loud and began to behave herself as such. And, the phone call didn’t hurt either. It reinforced to her family system the changes Julie had made at her new school and helped them to recognize who she was becoming. In tears, the mom conveyed that she had never received a phone call like that from her daughter’s school. I told her that I hoped she would continue to watch for the changes her daughter was making and tell her whenever she noticed. Julie made it through ninth grade without misbehavior of any kind. This chapter will be full of samples of conversations, using the solution-focused approach to address a variety of dilemmas that occur in school each day. My purpose is to share how simply the approach can work with virtually any situation, whether the concern is about academics, behavior, mental health or day to day activities that happen to students routinely in a school. The approach has three steps, some of which can be used interchangeably as the dilemma presents itself.

Ideas for Developing Solution-Focused Conversations When I spoke with Julie, I listened primarily with a “solution ear,” listening for exceptions to the

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problem that she was concerned about. When I heard her say that she wanted to stop some bullying and later, that she had been on good behavior for the first three months, I thought that was a good way to amplify her strengths. She had put up with bullying from the girl and maintained her integrity. By redescribing her, as we discussed in the second chapter and then hearing “exceptions” to the times when she was in trouble this year, I was able to have a conversation with a new outcome. I became very curious alongside Julie, in protecting what she had changed in regard to her behavior. I tried to amplify her ability to change her behavior for three months. It was a noteworthy moment that I became curious about, and I wanted to help her recognize that there was an alternative story she could write. Below are Solution-Focused Guiding Steps that you can utilize as you talk with school clients. As always, join with your school client first, and listen if they have a story or complaint to tell you. However, try to not get into problem-focused questions or statements such as “Why did this happen?” Or “It looks like you are going to fail the course.” Those questions go backward. Instead, let the solution-focused approach take you forward to solutions. 1.

Ask the Best Hopes Question After listening to the story, ask a question such as one of the following: “What are your best hopes/wishes for us as we talk today?” (Goal) “If you had your way and things got better for you today, what would be going on?”(Future) “Tell me exactly what will be happening when you do that? What will others see?”

What is intriguing about asking these questions is that you will often hear something very different from what you were told in the referral, or, what you expected was the goal. And the goal must be the school client’s goal, not someone else’s goal. When the school client states his own goal, there is a much better chance that he will pursue it. As you seek the best hopes, it may happen that school clients won’t know what they want. You may hear “I don’t know” and “I don’t care.” When this happens, don’t change your approach or write the student off as “difficult” or “impossible,” and above all, don’t think that the solution-focused approach won’t work with that student. Instead, see it as a challenge for you to find a way to cooperate. Your job is to find the questions that the student can answer. Get creative with the way you ask the questions. Chris Iveson (2016) often recommends asking students who can’t think of their own best hopes, what their best friend would hope for them. Reflecting on what others would say is a great way to ask questions, as it is less intimidating to muse over what others think rather than what you think about yourself.

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As you work with the school client, remember too, that the goal must be specific. So specific, in fact that you could video tape the student doing it. For example, if student replies to the best hopes question: “I would be happy.” Say: “And, what difference would it make to you to be happy?” And the student might say: “I would have friends.” Say: “And, what might I see you doing to get friends?” And the student might say: “I guess I will have to say nicer words.” Notice how more specific and doable the last answer is. The best hopes question is the compass that points you in the direction of the exact destination. Unless you have the destination, specifically, the conversation will meander all over the map. Find the destination and you will be on the freeway. 2.

Build a Preferred Future Once you do have the destination, it’s time to build the preferred future, or how they will make it to the destination. The preferred future can be compared to a painting. If a student says he wants to be happier, you might paint a picture of a face with a smile. But smiles don’t exist by themselves. They typically occur in places, with interactions or activities. So, we must add places, interactions, activities, etc., to the painting to get the clearest picture of the preferred future. Each time a school client adds another characteristic of the preferred future, the painting gets clearer and the school client can walk out of the office with a clear destination that they know well. That makes it easier to practice. In fact, make a copy of their words for the preferred future. On the worksheet, Goals and Solutions Worksheet that follows, you will have spaces to list their words. Make a copy, give them the original. Building the preferred future is also where the “miracle question” can be helpful “Suppose that just for the rest of the day, school goes well. When you leave my office, and you begin practicing saying nice words, who will notice? What difference might saying nice words do for them? And in turn, what would that do for you? What nice words do you think might work best?” “What else?” X10

3.

Make the list. Check Out Exceptions: Times When Things Were Better

Problems do not occur 100 percent of the time. If they did, most people would not make it

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out of bed, go to work, or take care of their children. The exceptions to problems give clues to solutions. For example, perhaps the school client is a parent who, on the first visit, emphasizes that her daughter has never had a problem with behavior until this year. The parent describes her daughter’s activities and how she is responsible and caring to others outside school. In these two sentences are two important exceptions: (1) the daughter has not had a behavior problem until now, and (2) the daughter is successful in relationships outside school. Listening closely for these exceptions might mean asking the mother questions like the ones below: “Take me back to a time when your daughter behaved well in school, like she does elsewhere.” “Tell me what was different then.” “What would your daughter say was different then that worked?” Help teachers and parents to learn to notice exceptions as well. The following statements and questions are helpful when working with teachers or parents to identify exceptions for students who are not receptive: “Glance back to the past and recall times when the student was a little more receptive to you or to others. What was different then? How did you or someone else talk so that he listened more often? What would the student say you did?” “This week, ask your son during a quiet time what was different during the times when things were slightly better for him at home.” “Watch your own actions this week, Ms. Smith, for times when things seem less challenging in class with Shari.” “How is it that you have reared your 14-year-old so successfully for the past thirteen and one-half years? I am quite impressed that it is only for the past few months that things are off track.” These questions focus on times when the problem is slightly better. By emphasizing the words slightly, less often and a little better, you encourage the parent or school client to observe more exceptions. These slight changes become the difference that motivates parents to look at their children or adolescent differently. And that difference can create a new climate. The list that follows, Solution-Focused Steps, was designed to help you try out the three steps. The diagram can help you fill in the Notes for School Clients Worksheet with school clients that follows on the following page.

Solution-Focused Steps Begin by welcoming, listening and empathizing about the situation. There is no need to ask about the problem or what is troubling the school client. Instead, just be a good listener and join with the school client. Then, proceed with the three steps below. 1.

Find Out the Best Hopes of the School Client “What are your best hopes/wish for our time today?” Or, “So, how do you want things to be, instead of how they are now?”

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Or, “Suppose you leave here in a while and you think our time was helpful. What would you say we talked about that helped the most?” 2.

Design a Preferred Future with the School Client “Suppose you leave my office and things begin to get so much better, as if a (miracle, magic wand, fairy dust) fixed it all. What would be going on (this afternoon or tomorrow) that would tell you things were so much better?” “What might you be doing(this afternoon, on that day) that would tell you and others that things were much better? What else?” X 10 (Make a list) “What difference would it make for you to have a day like that?” “What else?”

3.

Discover Exceptions to Create Confidence for Success “Tell me, how have you done a little of this before?” “What would your teacher/friend/etc. say you have done before that worked?” “What else?” X10. (Make a list)

NOTE: Make the results systemic by getting permission from the school client to share with teachers, parents and administration that the student plans on trying out some new actions. Walk the student back to class and talk to the teacher, or write an e-mail, signed by you and the student.

Notes for School Clients Name: ___________________________________________________ Date: __________________________________________________ Concern: _______________________________________________ Goal: __________________________________________________ Preferred Future: ________________________________________ 1. 2. 3. 4. 5.

____________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________ Exceptions:

1. 2. 3. 4.

____________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________

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Finish on a Good Note “Conversation is, by its very nature ephemeral. After a particularly meaningful session, a client walks out aglow with some provocative new thought, but a few blocks away, the exact words that had struck home as so profound may already be hard to recall. But the words in a letter don’t fade and disappear [the] way conversation does; they endure through time and space, bearing witness to the work of therapy and immortalizing it.” (Epston, Freeman, and Lobovits, 1997, p. 112) Writing your school client a note based on your conversation is an extra gesture that can help ensure that change continues. According to Michael White (1989), a note to a client is worth six sessions in impact. The note should simply be your recap of the session along with encouraging words that empower the school client to do things differently between then and when you see him or her again: Dear Lamar and parents, I wanted you to know how much I enjoyed talking with you today. I learned about your goals to make new friends and try out a “nicer” approach by using words that are nice. You also told me about times outside of school where you have friends. Lamar, your goal to have friends at school seems really important to you. I look forward to hearing how you start to make that happen soon. Sincerely, Linda Metcalf

Solution-Focused Conversations for Other Dilemmas The next section takes a variety of common school related issues and presents dialogue to illustrate how the solution-focused approach can assist you with school clients. Solutions for Fighting: Just Be Friends This first case comes from Singapore many years ago where I taught the solution-focused approach to Singaporean educators. The people were lovely and wanted to learn other ways to help children and adolescents behave and be motivated to learn. While the culture tended to focus on the problem, and many participants struggled at first, eventually, stories such as the one that follows surfaced. A Singaporean Discipline Master (similar to assistant principal) told a story to a group I was teaching in Singapore many years ago. He said to the group who was learning the approach, “I know the things she is talking about sound too soft. But I want you all to know what I did last month with two boys who were fighting after school. They were sent to me when they were caught, and they probably thought that I was going to punish them severely. Instead, I did something different. See, I knew that they had been friends, because I always saw them together after school. So, I told them: ‘I know that you have been friends for a while. How long have you been friends? (They said that they had been friends for three years). So, you must have forgotten how to be

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friends yesterday. What do you need to remember to do when you walk out of my office today to get back to being friends?’ The boys looked at each other rather puzzled, again expecting me to tell them what to do. But then they started telling me what they had done to be friends. I kept asking them ‘What else?’ and they kept telling me more things. I told them to get back to doing that and dismissed them. I wondered if I was going to see them again in my office soon, but it has been a month and I did not see them again. When I do see them, they are being friends.”

Solutions for Scheduling: Figure Out What Works I recall as a high school counselor, putting together schedules for the tenth-grade students to get them ready for their junior year, and asking them which of the available courses would be the best for them to take. I also asked them to tell me how taking those courses would work out with their other activities or responsibilities in other courses. Putting simple situations and requirements in their hands for decisions seemed to be the right thing to do and they were often surprised that I asked, rather than just tell them what to take. If a student signed up for a course that was too overwhelming, they soon learned that their decision was not such a good one. But, in my district, opting out of an overly ambitious class was not an option four weeks into the course. That meant the student had to find a way to deal with their decision. We then had a heart-to-heart conversation, solution-focused style: LM:

So, taking this course has proven to be a bit much. Tell me, what have you done before that got you through a rough course like this? Student: Well, actually, I haven’t taken one like this before. I am just barely passing it. I am used to making A’s and B’s. LM: So, it’s rough, but you are passing. How are you managing that so far? Student: I am working on it all the time. LM: So, tell me again, what have you done before with other situations where you had some challenges? Student: I ask for help. I have asked my stepdad to help me with this class and that does help. LM: What else? Asking “What else?” at least ten time helps students identify clearly, what their goal is. LM: So, how can you do that just for the next few days? Student: I just have to do it. Now that my mom knows about the class, she is on me and that will help to push me. Staying the course and exploring ways that the student has managed to get through tough situations as a result of a decision is a teachable moment. Chances are that the student will

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remember the challenges of this course as he chooses his next selection of courses more carefully. We know that experience is the best teacher. Help your students by providing them with options and information and let them do the choosing whenever possible. There will always be students who need to take a certain, specific class for graduation but even those students can be asked about which strategies they need to use to get through. Decision-making skills develop from making lots of decisions … help students recognize which decisions work. Solutions for Impossible Requests: Agree with Them Suppose a student tells you that she wants her mother to stop yelling. What if a parent tells you that she wants the school to completely redo the discipline policy, which she finds much too punitive? What if a teacher tells you he wants a student out of his class so he can teach? What are you to do with such impossible goals? Agree with each of them. Don’t throw away this book, yet. What does that answer mean? It means that cooperating with your school client is the fastest road to success. In the solution-focused process, cooperation is the name of the game. That doesn’t usually mean we end up doing what the impossible request is, after all, it is impossible. But, it does mean we inquire: “What difference would that make for you?” And when we get that answer, we ask: “What difference would that make for you?” And to that answer, we ask: “What difference would that make for you?” And we keep on asking the same question, sincerely, with interest, until the school client gives you a doable answer. And they will. You just have to keep asking the same question. For example, recently, while training teachers the solution-focused approach, I asked them to get into groups, where one person was to state something that they wished they could achieve. Here is a dialogue that developed between a teacher and his colleague: Colleague: Teacher: Colleague: Teacher: Colleague: Teacher: Colleague: Teacher: Colleague: Teacher: Colleague: Teacher:

So, tell me, what is something that you wish you could achieve currently. I would like to exercise more, but it seems hard with such a busy schedule at school and kids’ activities at home. So, what difference would that make for you? I would be more physically fit and feel better, probably. And, what difference would that make for you? I would have more stamina and not be so tired each day. And, how would that make a difference? I would spend more time with our kids instead of just coming home exhausted and watching television. And, what difference might that make to you and your kids? I would be the father I always wanted to be. Like my father was. No matter how tired he was, he would always play basketball with me when he got home. So, what difference would it make to you to be the father you always wanted to be? It would mean a lot. Like I was teaching them how to be a good parent.

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At the end of the conversation, the teacher got emotional. The same question asked over and over took him to a place that was meaningful, that even he had never imagined. Some critics of the solution-focused approach have said that the model isn’t deep enough to cause lasting change. Yet, I have experienced the opposite. From listening to conversations like the one between the father and colleague, to students and their parents mending relationships, I have seen change happen in sincere ways that the participants never imagined. When conversations take you to a place of meaning, pulling at your values that sometimes hide away, a burst of fresh air comes into your life and you are not the same. Solutions for Loss: Tell Me Who He Was A student once came to talk to me after his father passed away suddenly. He was very close to his father and depended on him for emotional support fairly often. He was devastated after his father died and his mother tried her best to carry on yet did not see the point of discussing the loss with her son. She disliked it when he wanted to talk about his father, often telling him he had to be a man and deal with it. I began by asking the student about who his father was. Then we proceeded to: “What difference could that make to you if your Dad were alive?” Then, I just sat back and listened. After asking the question a few times, he said, “I would feel like I had someone to support me again.” That could led to inquiries about others who might give slight support. The questions were empathetic and supportive yet vigorously encouraged the student to be in charge of his own destiny. As for the student whose mother yells too much, validate the student and tell her that her need not to be yelled at is perfectly reasonable. Help her to focus on times when her mother does not yell at her. Explore how the student keeps other adults in her life from yelling at her. While there will always be adults who yell at adolescents, when adolescents realize that their reactions to adults can sometimes modify adults’ behavior, they become more aware of their own actions and are more likely to try a new strategy. The following comments might assist a student such as the one described: “While we can’t change your mother and since she isn’t here to talk with us, one thing that we can do is to explore what you might be doing during the times when she is not yelling or yelling less. Tell me about those times.” What about the parent who expects the school to go above and beyond for her child? School staff members often feel pushed around and threatened by such a parent, and when everyone becomes defensive nothing is accomplished, and the student suffers. This situation gives the parent more reason to stay defensive. However, when school staff begin to think of such parents differently, such as “passionately concerned,” and invite the parent to participate in the solution, the story can turn out very differently, like the one described next. Solutions for Passionate Parents: Ask about Their Profession A parent was asked to come for a conference by the school counselor because her thirdgrade son was referred to her after being disciplined for throwing rocks at children at recess. The school counselor initially used a problem-focused approach and discussed the situation in an attempt to get the mother to understand what her son was doing. The

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school counselor told the mother that the son had to stop throwing rocks at recess or he would be sent to the alternative campus the next time it occurred. The mother refused to believe that her son would throw rocks. She explained that he was a Cub Scout and that she was the troop leader. He was involved in community projects and had achieved many badges. Because of his community involvement and good behavior in Scouts, the mother denied that he could participate in throwing rocks and walked out of the meeting. The young man continued throwing rocks. The counselor and I decided to use a solutionfocused approach. I called the mother and asked her to return for a “different kind of meeting” about her son. At the meeting, we learned that she was a Boy Scout troop leader and were intrigued with the fact that the mother said her son behaved well as a Scout. Apparently, the boy knew how to behave in certain situations. So, we proceeded with: “We need your help here at school, particularly since you have valuable skills as a Boy Scout troop leader. Surely there are times when some of the boys in the troop need to get back on track. (She nodded in agreement.) How do you get them to do that?” The mother responded that she structured the meetings and made sure that she supervised each boy. We then asked her to come and supervise her son for a day or two during the current week to help the school staff learn how to help him behave, much as how she kept her Boy Scout troop on track. The mother said she would be happy to do so, especially so that the school staff would see that her son was not at fault. The mother never came to school to observe her son. And the boy never threw rocks again. What happened? We never knew. But I suspect that by being more respectful to the mother and emphasizing that we saw her competencies, she used those competencies with her son in her own way. Teacher/Student Conflict? Meet Together! Finally, what about the teacher who demands from you or the administration that in order to teach a student must be removed from his class? Again, agree, cooperate, and collaborate—only do it together with the student in the same room. If you meet only with the student, you may get the student to a great place, send him back to class and be met by the same upset teacher. Guess what happens then? The same climate pulls the student back into the problem. Instead, invite both teacher and student to meet with you at the same time. Once you try this, you will probably never see the student again. Really!

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Mr. Jackson, your best hopes to teach more effectively in your class is truly admirable. Since I cannot remove Jacob from your class, let’s talk about what you need from him. What could Jacob begin doing in your class so that could happen more often? TEACHER: He could stop making snide remarks. That keeps the class from focusing and disrupts the lessons. LM: So instead of making snide remarks, what could Jacob do differently? TEACHER: He could listen in class and wait his turn to speak. LM: Jacob, what could Mr. Jackson begin doing to help you remember to listen and wait your turn to speak? JACOB: I don’t know. I just never think he likes me, so I guess I don’t care to listen. LM: I see. So, what would be signs that he was beginning to like you? JACOB: I don’t know that either. I guess he wouldn’t be coming down on me all the time. I have to stand up for myself when he does that. LM: Got it. Tell me what you think you might begin doing so that he didn’t come down on you as often. JACOB: I guess I wouldn’t be talking smart aleck to him. LM: What else would Mr. Jackson say? JACOB: I guess that I would listen and do my work. LM: Sounds like a good idea. What would you say about Jacob’s ideas, Mr. Jackson? TEACHER: Well, if he can do it, but I’m not quite sure he can. Plus, I do like you, Jacob; I just need to be able to teach, and I can’t with things the way they are. LM: Okay. Then let’s try an experiment. Jacob, just for the rest of the week, I would like you to do what you just suggested: listen to Mr. Jackson and do your work. Mr. Jackson, when you begin seeing Jacob try to do what you need him to do, let him know. Tip: This real-life session could also go slightly differently with one additional action. Prior to this meeting, which happened spontaneously, as they often do, the school counselor might send a note or e-mail to Mr. Jackson, asking him to watch for things that Jacob does that are acceptable to him. Additionally, speak with Jacob and let him know you sent that note to Mr. Jackson. By the time they both get to your office for the meeting, chances are that they experienced each other slightly differently and the meeting might be less argumentative. Setting the stage for solutions is necessary at times, as schools often operate with a problem-focused lens. Having a teacher watch out for exceptions prior to a meeting can go far in creating a calmer conversation. Student/Student Conflict—Create a Competition Sometimes situations can be made into competitions using the scaling question differently. For example, two young boys who are consistently fighting on the playground can meet to talk with a teacher or school counselor about the “fighting habit” that seems to have taken over both of them and even restricted them from playing together. Asking the questions on the worksheet for the Exercise for Defeating Bad Habits can get things progressing positively. Make a copy of the worksheet and, with students’ permission, give each of the students' teachers a copy. When

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the teachers know the plan, the students gain support and know that others are watching. This is a subliminal way of sending the message of confidence to the students.

Exercise for Defeating Bad Habits “What shall we call this habit that seems to bother you?” “Which of you thinks that he/she can be stronger in beating the [name the habit here].” “How is this habit keeping you both stuck?” “I am going to draw a scale for both of you. The middle of this scale means that there is no [habit]. The ends of the scale mean there is lots of [habit]. If I were to place each of you on the opposite ends of this scale, where should I put you?” Student’s Name ____________

1

2

Student’s Name 3 4 5 4 3 2 1 ________

“What would I see you both doing slightly differently if you each moved up one space this week, so you weren’t so trapped by the habit? What would others see?” “What difference will it make for you both if you conquer the habit?” “Who do you think will reach the middle first?” “I look forward to hearing who gets there first. I will check in with you tomorrow.” It is also helpful to follow up with students after using the exercise. “How have you managed to move toward the center so quickly?” “What did you notice doing when you reacted in that way? As a result of doing that, what did you do?” “What difference has it made for both of you, doing this exercise?” Solutions for Sadness A young elementary school student began to cry one afternoon about the recent death of her grandmother, and her teacher sent her to the school counselor. Upon meeting the little girl, the school counselor learned that the grandmother had lived with the girl’s family until she passed away. The little girl cried and told the school counselor how sad she was that her grandmother was no longer there with her. The school counselor asked the girl how big her sadness was, and the little girl looked up and said, “It fills this room, goes through the ceiling and all the way up to heaven.” The counselor asked the girl to tell her about her grandmother and the things that she loved to do with her. The girl described playing dolls and going outside to swing and how her grandmother would watch. She talked of holidays and how her grandmother liked to read to her. Soon the girl stopped crying and started smiling as she recalled her grandmother, and the school counselor noticed. She then said to the girl, “It seems like you enjoy talking about your grandmother, and I enjoy listening to you. I notice that you aren’t crying as much. How big is the sadness right now?” The girl sat up in her chair and put her hand near her waist and indicated that the sadness had shrunk, “It’s about this big now. I really like talking about my grandmother.” The school counselor walked the student back to her classroom and with the student’s permission mentioned to her teacher that talking about her grandmother helped her. The teacher told the student that any time that she wanted to talk about her grandmother to

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her, she could. In solution-focused school counseling, the exceptions become the basis for strategies. They work because they have worked prior to the current situation. When School Clients Don’t Know What They Want: Get a Wish School counselors have two types of school clients: those who are referred or sent to them because of poor behavior, and those who voluntarily show up at their door. The first group is the tougher one since that school client does not want to be in the counselor’s office. Identifying the concern of referred school clients is crucial and can create motivation for them to talk about what caused them to be referred. Asking questions such as these can help: “How do you wish your teacher saw you as a student?” “If you had your way, how would school be working for you?” “How do you wish things could be for you at school?” “What do you wish everyone knew that you needed from them?” “What can we talk about in here that could help you?” “What do you wish your students knew about you as a teacher?” “What do you want to happen differently for your son [daughter]?” What is intriguing about asking these questions is that you will often hear something very different from what you were told in the referral. The importance of listening to the school client first and moving forward toward goals that he or she has designated is crucial to satisfying not only the school client but eventually the referring person. Need Some Perspective? Scale the Problem When the young girl described losing her grandmother and explained how big the sadness was, she was in effect scaling the effect that the problem had on her life. This approach involves using two methods: externalizing problems and scaling. Scaling questions (de Shazer, 1985) use a scale and are helpful in focusing on small changes. According to Berg and Steiner (2003), a scaling question helps school clients to gain a perspective of just how much impact a problem has on their lives, “We find that children respond quite well to communicating with numbers, rather than words, because numbers are something they can understand” (p. 21). Using a scale such as this one can be very helpful when working with school clients. _____________________________________________________________________________________ 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 problem is in control school client is in control

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Questions to ask using this scale after listening, setting goals and identifying exceptions, with the school client would be: “On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 meaning that the problem is in control of you and a 10 meaning that you are in control of the problem, where would you have rated yourself before we began talking?” “Where are you now?” “Where would you like to be before we meet again?” “What will you begin doing just for the next few days to get there?” The question can also be used with nonverbal students who feel they have no control over their own destiny. For example, a young elementary student may be bullied on the playground. By using the scale, the conversation can become more productive, “On a scale of 1 to 10, with a 10 meaning that you are in charge and are never being bullied and a 1 meaning that you are being bullied constantly, where are you?” Ask, “What’s different during those times when you are not at a 1? Where are you? Who are you around? What is different in any way?” Asking the scaling question in this way allows you to learn how often the bullying happens and examine when the exceptions happen less. Those exceptions become the solutions. Berg and Steiner (2003) also mention that “Parents and teachers can teach children to adapt the scaling question and apply it to a variety of situations, to monitor their own behaviors.” This type of question also makes most children feel competent and successful. They feel cared for and confident about things. In cases where children have experienced abuse or trauma, the question offers a way for students to notice times when the abuse (externalized) affects them less. That conveys an idea that means that they are not allowing it to keep them stuck. Another way to use the scaling question for very young children who have trouble vocalizing answers is by spreading your hands out wide and saying, “If this means the anger habit takes over your day (holding your hands far apart) and this (holding your hands close together) means that it does not take over your day at all, show me where is it this morning?” Children as young as four can answer that question rather easily. Then, use the activity as a sort of signal if things get off track, saying, “Hmm, I wonder how big that anger is right now? I wonder how you could shrink it. Tell me.” Again, the solutions that emerge are personal and that is why students use them successfully. Case Study: Getting to Know Each Other Chris’s mother, Linda, brought her seventhgrade, 14-year-old daughter to counseling because she was concerned about her daughter’s sudden drop in grades (from all A’s to some B’s) and her isolation from her family. Linda said that Chris preferred talking to friends on

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the phone to talking to her, and she was concerned that all Chris and she did when they were together was fight. Linda said that Chris’s father agreed that life around the household was frustrating to him as well, especially when he came home from work each night and was asked to referee disputes between his wife and daughter. Linda mentioned that she had recently been in drug rehabilitation for her use of prescription drugs, and she wondered if that situation had caused Chris to become angry with her. Chris complained instead of her mother criticizing her friends, her school work and her appearance. Sitting with her finger over a blemish on her face, Chris explained that she had an allergic reaction to some antibiotics and had forgotten to put cream on the night before. She angrily blamed her mother for her forgetfulness and Linda looked painfully guilty. Mother and daughter were physically distant as well as emotionally distant in the therapy room, both exchanging angry glances and responding with resentment and defensiveness. As parents and children begin to disagree during this developmental stage, often labeled as rebellion, many parents bring their children to counseling hoping to mend the conflict that has developed. These conflictual relationships also occur in the school setting between teacher and student, and even between teachers and administrators. The counselor may be presented with a very angry adolescent such as Chris (who blames the parent for the conflict and fears that the counselor may simply be another adult who will take the parent’s side) and with a parent who feels abandoned and helplessly frustrated. The mutual blaming that occurs manifests itself as parents seek some recognition in their being older, wiser and more responsible, and adolescents seek some confirmation that their parents are being unreasonable. This interaction can be a disaster for counselors who try to assist the parent and child to “work things out” without taking sides. Counselors and other school staff members often get caught between such conflicts in the school setting. Even if facts surface and everyone thinks they know why the conflict is occurring, the facts and explanations still do not assist anyone in knowing what will solve the problem. It is at this point that many counselors, teachers, administrators and parents become stuck. This often results in the school staff offering solutions that may have worked with other students in general. The recipient of the information will either reject the suggestions or give it a try. It has been my experience that the reason most counseling efforts fail is that people are asked to do things so differently from their usual way of acting that they simply do not know how. According to Linda, the problem was the conflictual relationship she and her daughter had. Their goal was to resolve the conflict and develop a communicative and interactive relationship. The mother was also concerned about whether her drug rehabilitation had caused Chris to be distant. In our meeting I sought to assist Chris and Linda in identifying those aspects of their previously close relationship (exceptions) on which they might now be able to build. The dialog that follows is from Metcalf, L. (1991, pp. 25–34). LM: Chris, what would Mom say she misses the most from your relationship? CHRIS: I don’t know. Ask her; she wanted me to come here. MOTHER: This is what it’s like at home: she won’t look at me or talk to me. I don’t know what’s wrong. LM: How often is it like this? MOTHER: Every time we talk. LM: How often, daily, weekly? MOTHER: Daily. CHRIS: When she criticizes my friends and tells me I should do good in school like she did, that’s when it happens, and that happens every day. LM: How long has this gone on? MOTHER: It started six months ago. I was in rehab two months ago, so for a few months things were tough when I was having problems.

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LM: And how are you now? MOTHER: I’m much better. I no longer take pain medications. My doctor is giving me muscle relaxers sparingly for my back pain. LM: How would the two of you like things to be if you both had your say? MOTHER: I'd like us to talk more and not fight. CHRIS: I’d like her to get off my back about everything! LM: Linda, Chris is saying that you criticize her. Can you tell me some of the things about Chris that you appreciate? MOTHER: No. I can’t think of anything that I really like about her now. She’s cruel to me, and her friends are not the kind I want her around. LM: Chris, can you think of some positive things to say about your mom? CHRIS: Not really. She thinks her hospital thing made me different. It didn’t. I’m just tired of being criticized. These goal statements were constructed initially in what Chris and her mother wanted less of: their complaints. When using the solution-focused approach, it is important for the goals to develop into what the parents, teachers or students do want. Often this solutionfocused goal develops as exceptions to the presenting complaint are identified. The continuing dialogue attempts to accomplish this: LM:

Chris, take me back to a time when you and your mom got along a little better than now and you didn’t feel as criticized. CHRIS: It’s hard to remember. It’s been a long time. MOTHER: (interrupting) Two years ago it was perfect. CHRIS: (brightening slightly) Yeah, when I was in the fifth grade, things were pretty good between us. LM: Tell me more, Linda, about what you liked about your daughter two years ago. MOTHER: She and I did a lot together. We shopped, took walks, you know, she wasn’t so worried about boys then, so she and I were really close. There was a lot I liked about her. LM: Chris, what did you like about how things were two years ago with your mom? CHRIS: What she said is true: we spent time together, and I didn’t mind talking to her. She liked my friends too. That made it easy to bring them home. (glancing) She didn’t put me down either. I felt like she was proud of me. She said nice things to me once in awhile. CHRIS: I enjoyed my relationship with my mom when I felt she was proud of me, when we spent time together, talked, and she liked my friends. MOTHER: I enjoyed our time together: shopping, taking walks, feeling close. The similarities in the goal developments are obvious. Both mother and daughter had been close previously and had accomplished this through mutually enjoying time together, validation, providing acceptance and offering compliments. With these goals in mind, the dialogue continued, focusing now only on the exceptions that encompassed their goals:

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LM:

Mom, tell me about some of those nice things you noticed about your daughter two years ago. MOTHER: She was pretty, as she is now, and she talked to me a lot. She did okay in school, and her friends were pleasant. It seemed like it meant something to her to do things with me. She smiled a lot and helped me around the house. LM: What about those characteristics today? Are they still there? MOTHER: You know, I haven’t noticed in a while because we fight so much, but I still think she’s pretty. It’s just that we can’t cooperate much today like we did then. LM: If you could come up with some of the things you and she did then, how would you describe the way you were able to get your daughter to be so close to you? There were many issues that could have been seen as important in this case. The mother’s drug abuse, Chris’s isolating behavior or her father’s intruding role might have been interesting to explore, but such exploration could have magnified the issues between mother and daughter, increased the feelings of blame and lessened the hope of reconciliation. The discovery and questioning of past success with current exceptions, however, quickly stopped the resentments from surfacing and allowed mother and daughter to reminisce about good times. In situations such as these, reminiscing about past enjoyable experiences in an hour-long meeting can be like an oasis. The mother’s rediscovery of the daughter of two years ago brought back parental memories that obviously were dear to her. The daughter, with her current need for validation and acceptance as an emerging young woman, was able to recall the compliments given to her two years ago and place them in a present state as if there was an imminent chance her mother would accept her once again. As the positive events from their relationship began to emerge, each attributed the times when things were better to a difference in each other. However, within the more positive and hopeful focus that emerged, it was easier to ask questions that encouraged the mother to identify her part in fostering the close relationship and Chris to consider what she did. By asking each of them to identify past successful behaviors that alleviated the problem, blame was dissolved, and competency-based conversations emerged: MOTHER: Probably in the time I spent with her. LM: Chris, if you could think of some of the ways you kept Mom from criticizing you two years ago, what would you say you did that helped? CHRIS: I guess I didn’t blame her as much, and I talked to her more. LM: So, two years ago when you and your mom talked more, and you spent more time with her and she did not criticize you. Things were much more pleasant between the two of you. Would that be correct? MOTHER: Yes. CHRIS: Yeah. Through the questioning, mother and daughter came to an agreement that talking together was something that worked in the past. In contrast to the global, all-encompassing picture of their conflict, this was a specific behavior that they were able to agree on. In other words, their previous success became their task. I suggested a small homework task that used their described behavior, as de Shazer (1985) does, by asking them to “do more of what works.” The importance of this task was that it flowed directly from their exploration of previous success and current exceptions. That is, asking them to do more of what they had already agreed worked in the past was much more likely to be successful than if I had simply designed something different for them to try. The following dialogue shows the task development and assignment:

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LM:

You know, it’s reassuring to me that you both have already experienced some really good times together. It’s no wonder that you want those good times back. It sounds as if those were good times for both of you. Linda, since you said such nice things about your daughter, I’d like you to compliment your daughter once a day based on what you notice that you like about her. It can be anything you notice. Chris, would you be willing to give maybe 30 extra minutes a day to your family time, especially to Mom, if she drops the criticism? CHRIS: I can try. LM: Mom, can you agree not to criticize your daughter for just a week, until I see you again? MOTHER: Okay. One week later, mother, daughter, younger sister and father were at the session. Mother mentioned immediately that she and her daughter had experienced a wonderful week. Dad volunteered that he had enjoyed a week of freedom: he had not had to discipline Chris or referee his wife and daughter all week. He said that the atmosphere at home had improved drastically and that he and Chris had also enjoyed more fun times together. Linda said that at first, Chris came out of her room only for short periods of time each evening, but by the end of the week, she was spending most of her time with the family. Linda also commented that to her surprise, she had noticed many things about her daughter that she liked but had not noticed before. She felt that the compliments had at first seemed artificial to Chris, but as she discovered more of her daughter’s positive assets and the compliments continued, Chris accepted them readily. Jenny, the younger sister, told me that she and her sister had played together during the past week and that she liked the fact that the house was quiet. Although Chris was still concerned about her complexion, she smiled more and began to discuss other issues with me and her parents regarding her friends. The second session continued with much more open communication between Chris and her parents about a friend who was struggling. The family dynamics had switched from a focus on conflict to concern for each other. This case represented an example of the use of solution-focused questions that promoted a rekindling of relationships between parents and their adolescent. Their skills at making their relationship successful, discovered during the counseling sessions were found in their knowledge that they had performed them before. The fondness that existed between mother and daughter at that time in their lives was too attractive in their memories to pass up in the present. The reminiscing changed their strategy from a problem focus to a solution focus.

Summary The solution-focused conversation is a different way of communicating. School clients come to school counselors to tell them how awful their lives are and want to be listened to. When a school client leaves your office, she should feel that things aren’t as terrible as she thought. She should leave with specific tools generated by her, not you, because she knows what fits. You are contributing to life strategies that can help your school clients have better relationships, learn to be more responsible for intrinsic changes and understand how they learn best. And, you get to do all of this without solving the problem.

Solution-Focused Conversations

Solution-Focused Training Exercise: Chapter Three Take a personal inventory. The questions here are designed to help you identify your current competencies and help you reauthor the way you want others to see you in the school setting. What do you do well with students? _____________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________ With parents? _____________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________ With other educators? _____________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________ How do you do that? 1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

____________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________ What would your colleagues describe as your most valuable qualities? _____________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________ How would you like to be perceived at school by your students, parents and teachers? _____________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________ When have you done this before, in school or in your personal life? _____________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________

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Basics Behind the Approach How did you do that? 1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

____________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________ On a scale of 1–10, where are you now in accomplishing how you want to be at school? ________________________________________________________________________________ 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

Where would you like to be by the end of the term? Based on how you have accomplished this before, how will you do this? 1. 2. 3. 4. 5.

____________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________ ………………………………………………………………………………………

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References Berg, I, & Steiner, T (2003). Children’s solution work. New York: Norton. de Shazer, S (1985). Keys to solutions in brief therapy. New York: Norton. Epston, D, Freeman, J, & Lobovits, D (1997). Playful approaches to serious problems. New York: Norton. Iveson, C (2016). Presentation, personal communication. London. Metcalf, L (1991). Therapy with parent-adolescent conflict: Creating a climate in which school clients can figure out what to do differently. Family Therapy Case Studies, 6(2), 25–34. White, M (1989). Selected papers. Adelaide, South Australia: Dulwich Centre.

4

Reviving Piaget: Helping Teachers to Become Solution Focused

At Gonzalo Garza High School, the atmosphere is different from the moment a student steps into the building. The school building is a historic, 1930 elementary school where students have painted the walls with creative work, the principal is constantly in the hallways greeting and speaking with students in a supportive respectful manner and teachers are referred to as facilitators of learning. The school’s mission, from its conception 15 years ago, was to provide high risk students who had dropped out, been expelled and given up on graduating, a chance to be successful. When I visited “Garza,” an award-winning solution-focused alternative high school in the Austin, Texas ISD, I was invited into their weekly team meeting, similar to an RTI meeting, where approximately ten students were referred for consideration on an average week. As the team of 12 facilitators, the principal and school counselor discussed the concerns, a picture of the student was projected onto a screen. What was unique about the discussions was that no matter what the issue, such as absenteeism, low test grades or lack of motivation, not one diagnosis or one problem-focused word was uttered for two hours. Instead, when a concern was brought up, the principal led the way with these words: “How can we assist this student to be more successful? What do we need to do to help the student move forward?” These words were said, backed by a belief by everyone present that the student was motivated, because the student was coming to school the majority of the time. From there, ideas for staff such as being more flexible with a student who worked until midnight and came an hour late to school, resulted in ideas such as allowing the student to come an hour late and make up time later. Ideas for students who did not seem motivated at the moment, included seeking and providing opportunities to explore interests that might guide staff with ways to get the students engaged. By the way, in case you did not notice, I did not include their concerns over misbehavior, disrespect, anger, violence. That is because, there are no discipline problems at Garza High School. None. How could it be possible, then, that at a school where on average 80 percent of the students are high risk, have dropped out of school or have been expelled, that there are not discipline problems and that 80 percent of the students graduate and go on to college? Why isn’t the model of this well-kept secret of a school adopted in every school? Because it’s non-traditional and the mindset of the principal and every facilitator at Garza High School is very different. They believe that instead of the school driving students and formulating how they can be successful, the students are better at driving the

Reviving Piaget 75 way to their educational goals. The facilitators are there to facilitate the process using the solution-focused ideas, similar to those in this book. Since the students create their own path, scale their own progress, develop their own strategies, they are more likely to stay motivated to finish. And, they do.

What if the Students Drove the Bus? “Jean Piaget placed great importance on the education of children. As the Director of the International Bureau of Education, he declared in 1934 that ‘only education is capable of saving our societies from possible collapse, whether violent, or gradual’.” (Munari, p. 311) Jean Piaget focused on how humans make meaning in relation to the interaction between their experiences and their ideas. Keeping this in mind, we can see how our interactions with students evolve into how they see themselves in the classroom. More often than I would like to admit, I have worked with children and teens in my practice who have told me that they were in the “dumb group,” or were told by their teachers that “I’m not worth the trouble.” Then, add to that, test preparations for state aptitude tests, where students become anxious because their teachers are anxious. The perceived context for a student becomes that of their needing to fit inside the box. When a student fails, the response from the teacher is sometimes, “I’ve done everything I know. He needs to just try harder or apply himself.” That doesn’t happen at Garza High School. Instead, what does happen is a conversation initiated by a teacher, known as a facilitator, such as the following: Facilitator:

Facilitator:

Kirsten, I noticed that your grades this week are off track from last week. Can you tell me what you did last week to keep them up? How can I help? Or: Blake, it seems tough for you to get going on this project for the government class. What do you need from me to help you get going? What do you think you might do to get started?

Creating a solution-focused school means giving up the mindset that only teachers know best when it comes to helping students succeed. Of course, teachers are educated in curriculum and teaching methodology. They know basic classroom management strategies and how to write objectives. Many teachers are phenomenal at what they do and many of those teachers do not have discipline issues. But it also means that when students don’t succeed or they misbehave, it is not because they are a hopeless cause, but instead are not in the right context for success. Our job is to help them create such a context with their help. Franklin (2018, p. 36) suggests that the solution-focused school abides by the following solution-focused principles: 1. 2.

Priority should always be given to individual relationships and relationship building. Faculty and staff should emphasize building the strengths and resources of students instead of focusing on deficits.

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3. 4. 5. 6.

Faculty and staff should emphasize student choices and personal responsibility. Students should demonstrate an overall commitment to achievement and hard work. Faculty and staff should trust student evaluations and respect student ideas. Faculty and staff should focus on students’ current and future success instead of past difficulties. Faculty and staff should celebrate students’ small steps toward success. Faculty and staff should rely on goal-setting activities and the immediate progress of students.

7. 8.

Amplifying Strengths Can Lead to Change What seems helpful in reference to Franklin’s principles is the idea that teachers seek to see strengths not deficits in their students. Deficits are easy to spot, yet strengths take more time and a deliberate focus to recognize. Sometimes simply being in class, sitting in a chair for some students is a success. If noticed, a teacher who might otherwise think, “Well, he’s here today, let’s see how he does.” To “He came, in spite of his current challenges … that means he’s putting an effort forward. How can I amplify that effort, just for today?” That different mindset will lead to a different approach to the student, then a possible different outcome. The next section illustrates how small steps, focusing on a student’s strengths, can result in creating a conversation that helps even the youngest student begin to recognize what works.

Making the Time Fly By Kathryn Reaves is an elementary school counselor in Rosenberg, Texas. She has been a school counselor for 21 years and has been in education for 32 years. She told me how the solution-focused method helped to re-energize her! She said, “It has given me such a great foundation that I can use with every kid in every situation. I have gained so much confidence as a counselor and truly feel that it has helped me find many successes with my students, teachers and parents in ways that I have not previously experienced.” After she told me how it helped her, I asked how it was influencing her work. She wrote the following answer. I will tell you about my experience with a student yesterday. The student is a third grade boy who struggled greatly last year with classroom behavior. He is a very bright, GT student, but he has a hard time staying focused and getting his work done. He also has a tendency to make noises in class and be disruptive to the other students’ learning. Last year he would often spend time under his desk or making his own paper creations instead of doing his work. This year, he has so far been more successful than last year in terms of not causing major class disruptions, but he is still struggling to get his work done. Yesterday was proving to be a challenging day. When I spoke to him, I asked him what it was he really wanted. I asked: “If you could have your best hope for the day, what would it be?” He responded by saying: “I want the time to go by really fast so that I can get to the weekend.”

Reviving Piaget 77 I asked him what that would do for him and he responded by saying that he is going to be getting a pet lizard and he just wanted to be done with all of the school days so that great day would be here and he could just play with his lizard. I asked him if he had ever been in a situation before in which the time seemed to go by really fast, and he responded by saying that time goes by really fast when he is having fun. He said that he loves to play with his Legos and sometimes he gets so involved in playing that he doesn’t even look at the clock or notice the time and before he knows it, several hours have passed by. I told him that there was a saying “Time flies when you are having fun” and it seemed to match what he was saying. He agreed. So then I said: “I wonder what it is about having fun that makes time go by so quickly?” He thought about it for a moment and then he said: “It is because my mind is busy on whatever it is I am doing at the time.” In response, I said: “What a great discovery! When your mind is busy on what you are doing, time seems to go by faster!” I told him that his answer almost seemed like magic! I asked him if there was ever a part of the school day that seemed to go by fast. He replied that Math and Science usually go by fast because he likes those subjects and Social Studies had been going by fast this week because they were learning about Harriet Tubman and that was interesting. I asked him what he was doing during those subjects and he said that he was listening, looking at the teacher and then getting his work done. I repeated what he had said, really focusing on the amazing idea that when he was doing his work, the day went by faster. I wondered out loud if there was a way to take that idea and use it in the other subjects. Of course he said that it would be a lot harder to do in Reading and Writing because those were not fun. I had to get him back to class soon, so I ended our conversation by asking him to be a detective. I told him that it was like we were trying to solve the mystery of what worked for him. I asked him to notice the times during the day when he was able to get his work done and make the time go by faster and pay attention to how he was able to do that. I told him that I would check back with him tomorrow to see if he had discovered any new tricks. He responded by saying “I have an idea! If we can figure out what works for me, maybe we can help other kids who are like me!” I told him that was another amazing idea, because I DID know other kids that could definitely use his help. I have been working for quite a while to build a relationship with this student and to find the moment when the conversation would lead to a great discovery. Today felt like a great step in the right direction. I shared the discussion with his teacher, and we are looking forward to finding out more about what our student can discover about himself this year.

No Drama, Please! I met Maria in a high school several years ago after her father was arrested two days prior for beating up both Maria and her mother. Bruised, with makeup applications to

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cover as many scratches and bruises as possible, she had refused to read a script in drama class, and the teacher, not knowing her situation, had referred her for being disrespectful. The vice principal caught my arm that morning as I walked by his office and told me he was concerned about how to handle Maria’s situation discreetly. Maria, weeping and distressed in his office, told me of the events of that week and how embarrassed she had been for anyone to see her at school. Looking into her eyes, I saw many hidden, emotional scars along with the superficial ones that told me the need Maria had for understanding and support. Together we walked down to the drama classroom where her teacher, Ms. Robberts, was directing the play. Ms. Robberts walked over to us and out into the hallway. MS. ROBBERTS:

Hello. Can I help you?

LM: Yes. I just wanted to share something rather private with you about Maria. She has given me her permission to speak to you. I explained to Ms. Robberts that Maria had given me permission to share that there had been violence at her house a few days ago and that she had bruises that she was embarrassed about. That was the reason, I explained, for her reluctance to stand up in front of the class and read. Ms. Robberts quickly hugged Maria and responded: MS. ROBBERTS: Maria, I am so sorry. If I had known this, I would have never asked you to read. Thank you for letting Dr. Metcalf share that information with me. Why don’t we do this: you can sit wherever you feel comfortable in the theater today, and when you are ready to participate again, I will be ready for you. MARIA: (crying) I would like that a lot. I think I will be fine by Monday. Later, I sent Ms. Robberts an e-mail thanking her for her obvious compassion for Maria. I commended her on her insightful recommendation and told her that I would be available if she needed to speak to me. Maria was able to get back on track on Monday, and she said that she and Ms. Robberts continued to get along very well for the rest of the semester. Toward the end of the year, Ms. Robberts came to my office to thank me for “letting her in.” She said that too often she suspected that students were hurting, but she couldn’t always decipher which ones were sincere. She also said that my connection with her gave her permission as a teacher to reach out. The systemic approach that is appearing more in this third edition is utilized even more today than when I wrote this book the first time. Everywhere I go to teach and consult, teachers are left out of the loop. Once included, however, teachers not only feel part of the team, but they allow their sensitivity and engagement skills to shine. Always include them. They are your eyes and ears in the classroom.

The Importance of Teachers and Students Talking Together, Differently Notice how the dialogue shifted when I spoke with Maria’s teacher? As I mentioned in Chapter Three, it has become my practice to always involve the system of the student, that

Reviving Piaget 79 is, the teachers and school staff who are involved when a referral is made. As a family therapist as well as a school counselor, I have learned that if I do not involve the system, the same interactions that helped to create a problem will re-create the problem. As a result, I have witnessed how behaviors are maintained and changed through the context of new relationships and the interactions of others. For example, think of all the times that you have done good work with a student, and then you return the student to class—where nothing has changed. That same system will inevitably try to place him back into the same behaviors because the roles of those in the student’s system are familiar. Why should they change? Unless the teacher begins to think differently and a conversation with the student is different, change will be hard-pressed to last. A typical e-mail may be sent out regarding such a conversation as follows: Dear Ms. Joseph, Thank you for your recent referral of Stephanie Brown. I have met with Stephanie briefly. Since you know her best, please e-mail me back at your earliest convenience and let me know when you are available to spend 10 to 15 minutes with Stephanie and me. This will be a different kind of conversation, one where we look at a better direction for Stephanie and yourself. To assist in the conversation, please glance over your grade book for days and assignments where Stephanie did slightly better than usual. Your help will be invaluable to me as I work with her to improve her behavior and to help you teach your class in the manner that you wish. Linda Metcalf Teachers are typically open to meeting with students if the meeting is brief and they are informed of the process. Meetings using a solution-focused approach are not threatening and leave teachers with a different mindset about the student. This leads to new interactions and lasting change. The student typically begins to see the teachers as willing to be helpful and that changes the relationship. This approach is different from one of constantly focusing on problems, the primary approach used in schools all over the world. The solution-focused approach stirs relief within the student as well, and that relief often develops into motivation. During an admissions interview with a teacher, who was applying to the school counseling program at my university, I verified this idea when I asked him: “What would your students say about you that has made you successful as a teacher?” He replied: “That’s easy. It is the relationship that I build with them. All it takes is to go watch them play soccer once, attend a play that they are in or stop them in the cafeteria and tell them what a good job they did on the homecoming decorations, and you have them in your pocket. Then classroom management is a snap.”

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Relationships do blossom when students see the teacher in a different context, one in which the teacher is not simply the authority. Consider the teachers in your school to whom students cling for attention. Those teachers rarely make referrals. Instead, they talk to their students independently. The students respect their efforts. Things get better. As you gather teachers and students together when you receive a referral, and host a solutionfocused conversation, you will see a student who hears the teacher describe how he is willing to do something different. The student often becomes motivated as well to do something different too. Now, there will always be teachers who have been so burned by a student, they find it difficult to engage initially with a solution-focused conversation. You might know, as the school counselor, that Margie has a tough time with many students. Yet, I can assure you that confronting her will not work. Instead, appeal to what she wants. When that happens, use the model to help them too. Here is an example of words to say LM:

LM: LM:

Margie, I know that Joey has been difficult. I also know that you have been teaching for 15 years. I would bet there have been challenging students along the way and you somehow found a way to work with them. Tell me, what are your wishes for Joey in your classroom? If the teacher describes what she does not want, ask: So, instead of that, what do you wish he would do that would help you be the teacher you want to be? So, what have you tried so far to get him to do that?

That response often results in all sorts of strategies and actions that did not work. Then I invite the teacher (I did say invite) to try something new, a conversation with Joey in my office. I ask the teacher to be ready to hear what Joey might say would work for him and then assure her that I will ask her what she needs from him. This prep session is very helpful in that it provides the teacher with: • • • •

empathy engagement respect opportunity In the years that I used this approach in schools, I have never had being empathetic and respectful fail me. The solution-focused process creates relationships that are based on mutual respect and trust. With that in mind, when we practice those attributes, they become contagious. The Student‒Teacher Conversation worksheet that follows can be used in a studentteacher conference and at all grade levels. Language may be changed or simplified for very young students. The questions use the basic solution-focused ideas in this book and place them in an easy-to-follow process. Consider copying the worksheet and giving it to both teacher and student after the conference. At a parent conference, the worksheet can also serve as a valuable tool not only in informing parents of what works but in demonstrating a sincere effort by the teacher to resolve the student’s concern.

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Student‒Teacher Conversation How would both of you like things to be? (Goal setting) Teacher: Student: If I gave you both a scale of 1–10, where 10 meant that both of your goals (or wishes) were happening, where would you both put things right now? If I glanced into your classroom over the next few days, what would I notice you doing that would push up the score just 1 number? Teacher: Student: What difference would it make to both of you to try out these ideas just for days? Teacher: Student:

Engaging Students in Classroom Management and Lesson Plans Stephanie Rodenberg-Lewis is a school counselor in Rosenberg, Texas, and uses the solutionfocused approach with students in her office. When she wanted to extend the helpfulness of the solution-focused model to her teachers, she reached for a lovely lesson plan written by Whole Hearted School Counseling, entitled “Tree of Hope Solution-Focused Hanging Scale,” https:// www.teacherspayteachers.com/Product/SolutionFocused-School-Counseling-Goal-SettingStrength-Based-Interventions-2746490. The lesson plan includes an exercise where ten trees are placed in a classroom. Each tree has a different amount of leaves. Each leaf is a representation of a competency or achievement. The first tree has one leaf and the last leaf has ten leaves, with the leaves in between having smaller numbers of leaves below ten. Teachers can instruct the students to glance at the trees each day and decide which tree they want to represent as the day goes on, or, which tree represents their behavior or progress for the day. In addition to the nice example of the tree, I have often suggest to teacher audiences what it might be like on a Friday afternoon if they were to ask students “What did we do this week that you found helpful or interesting?” It may take some minutes for the students to think about the activities they favored, but eventually students might share some insight that will make the teacher aware of what worked. Students are rarely asked a question like this. Yet, I can imagine how students might react, recognizing that their opinion does matter. That can be motivating. As a graduate school professor, I ask my students about how the class went after

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every class. I want them to know that their opinion is very important to me, and very often, they identify things that we did that were really helpful that I didn’t recognize as that helpful. It can really be a surprise! I then take their feedback and incorporate it into the next class session. It usually ends up at the end of the semester, different than what I had planned. By seeing teachers at your school as professionals who are doing the best that they can, you are more likely to be able to guide them slowly into solution-focused land by engaging and respecting them. When I began using this approach, I encountered teachers who thought my requests to watch for times when students were slightly more compliant were odd. Why would I ask them to do something when they expected the student to do things differently? I soon learned that by complimenting and empathizing with the teacher first, assuring them that I was working for them as well as the student, I received more cooperation and collaboration.

The Importance of Keeping Teachers in the Loop The solution-focused school counselor wears many hats. Sometimes those hats get snug when the pressure to take care of a student is hindered because her teacher is out of touch with the student’s mental health needs. The following story is an example of how a student, minding his own business, was sent spinning out of control, only to face consequences that were harmful to his mental health. As you read this story, think about how a solution-focused school counselor could have saved this young man much frustration. Kenny, age 15, had lived a few too many lifetimes before reaching his sophomore year in high school. Moving with his family from house to house at least four times that school year, the most recent move due to an eviction, Kenny was bitter. He hated the homeless shelter where his family was living. He disliked not knowing where his family would move next. He worried about his little brother, who got upset when the other people at the shelter stared at him. It was a sad time in his life, but he was determined not to let anyone at school know. He looked around the classroom most days when he attended school to see other students much better off than he and his family were. They were dressed better than he, and they had their cell phones and MP3 players. So when Kenny’ s aunt gave him an inexpensive CD player, he was thrilled. It wasn’t the latest in technology, but it was his, and having something that belonged to him alone was rare. He treasured it. It almost made him feel like the other kids. He carried his CD player everywhere in his backpack, until one day, late in the afternoon, before the last bell. When his work was done in his last period class, he noticed other students taking out their technologies to listen to music before the dismissal bell. Sitting back in his seat, earphones plugged in like everyone else, CD player in his backpack to hide its obvious technological antiquity, he was surprised that Mr. Locke came up to him, leaned toward him, stared in his face, and demanded that Kenny give him his CD player. MR. LOCKE: Give that to me. It’s not allowed in class. KENNY: But other students are listening to their players, so I thought it was all right. MR. LOCKE: I don’t care (cursing) what the others are doing. You are not

Reviving Piaget 83 going to use yours. I don’t understand this. I did my work, and I don’t think you need to have my player when others have theirs. You don’t need to be demanding it from me. MR. LOCKE: Are you threatening me? KENNY:

Angrily Kenny leaned forward toward Mr. Locke, who quickly grabbed his CD player and held it behind his back, smiling. MR. LOCKE: Don’t ask for it back. You are going to the office. With a discipline slip in hand and his CD player in Mr. Locke’ s possession, Kenny made his way to the office, and once there he met with an assistant principal who apparently was also having a bad day. One look at the referral where the word threat was written, and Kenny was on his way to alternative school for six weeks. When I heard this story, I cringed. My thoughts were with Kenny and the CD player. I asked the school counselor what happened to Kenny when he returned from the alternative school, and he said that he was given the CD player back, but his morale was quite low. I then learned that Kenny had never before been to the assistant principal’s office. This was his first referral. The school counselor wondered if there would be more. I wondered that too. I asked the school counselor if he had known about the situation for long, and he said that he learned of it only when Kenny returned from alternative school. I asked about the teacher and whether the school counselor felt comfortable talking to the associate principal about the teacher’s actions. The school counselor said he did not know what to do about the teacher, but he had plans to visit with Kenny several times in the future.

First, Do No Harm Students such as Kenny, in ragged clothes and sometimes unclean due to the limitations of the homeless shelter, could be perceived as threatening to a teacher such as Mr. Locke, who may see students through only one lens. But what if Mr. Locke and Kenny’s other teachers had received an e-mail note like the one that follows from Kenny’s school counselor if he had learned, upon Kenny’s enrollment, about his home(less) life. Dear Teachers, Kenny Smythe will begin attending your classes tomorrow. Kenny has given me permission to inform you that he and his family are struggling severely and that he

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Basics Behind the Approach would appreciate any emotional support that you can give him. He and his family have moved four times this school year, and in spite of the moves, Kenny has maintained a B average at each high school that he has attended. He said that he doesn’t want any special attention, but I would appreciate your understanding that things are tough right now for him and his family. As his counselor, I will see him occasionally to help support him. Please give Kenny your TLC whenever you can. School Counselor

I suspect that a note such as this one would have been appreciated by Kenny’s teachers. As a school counselor, I always make it my practice to ask permission from students to send such a note to their teachers. No student has ever refused. And teachers often e-mail me back thanking me for taking the time to inform them of something they already suspected was bothering their student. Today’s teachers are diamonds in the rough. Full of information on how to help students learn, they are often the least informed on how to help those same students feel comfortable enough to learn. Just a hint of a suggestion by a school counselor can help the misinformed, or uninformed, teacher greet a student, take care to ask if she needs anything that day or back off if the student seems preoccupied. When school counselors help teachers alter their perceptions of their students in need, their interactions change and provide opportunities for students that truly make a difference.

Get Permission to Be Nice So, consider this possibility: that the teachers in your school might need administrative permission to be compassionate, open and flexible enough to build relationships with their students. This statement comes from my experiences with teachers who were surprised that I encouraged them to engage, be open and flexible with students and to ask students what they needed from them. After all, it was their classroom and they were in charge. They were concerned that they might lose their stature as an authority. They were worried that being “soft,” as they referred to my request, would lead to lower performance and misbehavior. This culture really came to light once when I spoke at a faculty meeting about using the solution-focused approach with students, and a teacher said, “If I begin asking students what they need from me, I open myself up to being vulnerable.” Her comments were sensitive and sincere. Her principal stood up, looked out over the audience of teachers, and said, “If we can’t be sincere, open and empathetic with our students, who will be? Many of our students have parents who never take the time to do that. Yes, you all have my permission.” I saw the teacher who asked the brave question almost terrified of what she would start to do next. Most teacher education programs do not offer problem-solving skills to teachers so that they may help students with their personal difficulties or mental health. Yet each day students look to teachers with the hope that they may connect with them when things get tough. When they don’t connect because their teachers lack the skills to deal with a difficult issue or the confidence to engage, those students often act out. Taking 15 minutes during each faculty meeting to train staff to have a solution-focused conversation or discuss a success that one of the faculty had with a student using the approach will provide tools and encouragement that teachers can use every day. When their students begin to respond differently and the parent conferences are more positive, the teachers themselves will begin feeling competent in dealing with a variety of situations. And, their classroom management will improve.

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Helping Teachers Feel Better Too Ms. Peterson came for personal counseling in my private practice because she was tired of “abusive, disruptive students who sabotaged her lessons.” She was certain that in all her years of teaching, she had never found such difficult students. As we explored the various times in which she felt good about her day at school, she reported to me that on days when she “worked herself to death to make it interesting,” her students complied. She then looked at me and said, “Gee, do you think I need to do this daily?” The answer was obvious. And yes, it may take more work. Consider our competition: video games that make kids feel they are “on site,” television shows, movies, music—interesting things to young, imaginative minds. It is difficult to gain attention from students today. I asked Ms. Peterson to look over her lesson plans that evening when she returned home and highlight which lectures, activities, assignments and readings seemed to be more successful than others. She returned the next week to tell me that three of the five days had been good, with students cooperating and minimal disruptions. She said she had realized that the time of day had a lot to do with attention spans and thus cooperation. For example, she said most disruptions occurred in her afternoon classes, so she realized that a movie first, then an activity with an interesting discussion relevant to something they understood calmed down the students and helped to keep their attention after lunch. I commended her diligence and asked her to do more of what was beginning to work; her students had the answers she was looking for.

The Joy of Staying Outside the Box In his book Maybe (Maybe Not)(1993), Robert Fulghum writes about the joy of having a student who created a bit of a challenge for him as an art teacher. The student worked with Tinker toys whenever he had spare time during class. Instead of pushing him toward another medium, which surely would have made teaching the art class simpler and less cluttered, Fulghum cherished the student because he inspired other students to pursue their own interests as well. The first year I worked as a high school counselor, I learned the hard way that it’s important to tread softly in the secondary school classroom. A student dropped by to talk to me about what he felt was an unfair teacher who would not allow him to drop her advanced placement class. He had been placed in the class by mistake, he said, and he wanted to take another class, which he could pass. It was the fall semester and he was on the football team. In the state of Texas, failing a class meant that he would be sitting on the bench for the next nine weeks until he passed each class. This young man was a star athlete, and it was early in the semester, so being optimistic and quite naive, I told him that perhaps if we talked to the teacher together, she might allow me to change his class. I suggested that we walk to her class together. I greeted and introduced myself to the teacher as new to the high school and asked for her help, which she seemed surprised to hear. I then mentioned that Jimmy was interested in transferring from her course since he felt he could not perform to the level of the other students. She looked at me and said rather loudly, “Why are you here? I have never met a school counselor who came to my room like this. He needs to wake up, stay awake in class, do the work and he will pass. Good-bye.” As she spoke to me in the hallway, I noticed that the student, who was initially standing next to me, was now backing off, with a terrified expression on his face. Later in my office, I confided my experience to a colleague, who smiled and guessed who the teacher was. “She takes her course very seriously. He will not be allowed to drop it.” The student did stay in her class, where he performed minimally but passed. The teacher

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came by my office a week later, angry that I had asked her to watch for what he did better, even though the student was managing. I recognized that I needed to find a way to cooperate with her language, which was stern and firm. So, firmly, I told her that the student still had difficulties in her class due to her firm approach. He needed some encouragement, I told her, and unless he got it, he would surely not perform in a way that would please her. She backed off considerably and left the office. A week later, she asked me to sit in on a parent conference with his father. I was not only shocked that she asked me, I was shocked that she began to support my efforts. It was a big lesson for me to remember that my school clients at school were not just the students, they were the teachers as well. By stepping into her worldview and trying my best to meet her there with her language, she somehow saw me as an ally and began to collaborate. Although we were never close friends, we did begin to respect each other.

Higher Fences in Higher Grades A school counselor wears many hats, and in no place is that more evident than in secondary schools. After the experience with the secondary teacher, I met with my principal, who told me that I had to be careful in asking for help from high school teachers. He said, “They are challenging because they have so many responsibilities, and you must deal with their needs too. You can’t just walk in and ask them to do one more thing.” Those words stayed with me and even today when I visit schools for my school clients I always thank the teachers for their time, ask what they need, tell them I have their interests at heart and accommodate their schedule, not mine. With that knowledge, I also learned that I had to find a way to cooperate with teachers to stay effective. After that first eventful year, I can honestly say that I did learn to cooperate, and I did it by listening to my solution-focused philosophy and applying it to myself. On my way to a teacher’s classroom or to a meeting with a teacher who was upset of concerned about a teacher I reminded myself that I must: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5.

Step into the world view of the teacher and cooperate, listening for their language. Let the teacher know that I work for him as well as the student. Ask the teacher what her best hopes were for her class and the student. Maintain a very respectful stance with the teacher in front of the student. Make sure that when the student entered, the conversation was equal in the tasks that developed.

During the next semester, taking up these guidelines, whenever I needed a teacher to observe times when a student did better or a conference with a teacher, I met with the teacher first, got to know him, complimented him on one aspect of his teaching and told him that not only did I work for students, I worked for him. I would share that I wanted his classroom to be the kind of classroom that he wanted. I got into the habit of: 1. 2.

Returning e-mails requesting that I see a student with appreciation to the teacher that sent it. Writing thank you notes and notes of appreciation for any efforts that a teacher took to assist a student.

Reviving Piaget 87 3.

Checking in with a teacher who agreed to meet with a student a few days later.

By the end of the first year as a solution-focused high school counselor, I had rebuilt my reputation from being the school counselor who asked teachers to watch for what works (which I still did, only differently) to the school counselor who had a unique way of working with students and teachers, and, most important, was on their side too.

Helping Teachers Help Gifted Students to Succeed There is another kind of student that school counselors often get referrals on who is sometimes the most baffling of them all. The next story illustrates what many teachers would describe as one of their foremost frustrations: the bright student who “doesn’t apply himself.” Sean’s dad, a single parent, had brought his 15-year-old son to counseling when Sean’s report card in January revealed that he was four credits behind due to failing classes. Shy, polite and slightly timid, Sean said little as I interviewed him about what he wanted to talk about. His dad did most of the talking and stated that he thought perhaps Sean had attention deficit disorder. He said his son loved to read and often read for hours after school in his room, but when it came to homework, he rarely kept focused long enough to complete assignments. He was certain that I simply needed to prescribe medication for his son and the school problems would disappear. When I told the dad that I was “not that kind of doctor” (I am not a medical doctor) but that I did have ideas that might assist his son, he was slightly disappointed yet agreed to continue talking. After Sean and his dad set a goal of Sean passing his classes and beginning to accumulate credits for graduation, I began asking Sean and his dad some “exception” questions: LM: DAD: LM: SEAN: DAD:

LM: SEAN:

Take me back to a time when completing homework was not as difficult. That’s easy: elementary school. In fact, he was on the honor roll until middle school. He received high scores on the state aptitude tests each year. What was different then, Sean, that made completing homework easier? I don’t know. I do. The teachers were great. His current teachers teach only to the state aptitude tests. They don’t really care about the kids. I am fed up with the school systems in this state. So, Sean, what would it take for things to begin getting better for you, if you had your way? I really don’t know. Maybe the classes could be more interesting. The conversation continued to be rather strained, and I began to wonder if Sean’s dad’s description of the school was influencing Sean’s motivation. However, being solution focused, I did not address that concern and instead continued mining Sean and his dad for exceptions. When the session

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was finished, I was doubtful that attention deficit disorder was the culprit that was keeping Sean from achieving academic success. After all, he had been successful until middle school, and he was able to concentrate not only on reading volumes of history and science books, but also on more challenging projects and papers in some of his classes. But I needed more information on other exceptions that only the school could offer, so I had Sean’s dad sign a release for me to contact his son’s school, talk to his school counselor and set a meeting with as many faculty members as I could gather. Meeting school clients at school teaches me about the context in which my school clients experience school. After speaking with Sean’s school counselor and asking her to arrange for Sean’s teachers to meet me, I made sure that the teachers were not inconvenienced and requested only 15 minutes of their time. I knew the constraints of being a high school teacher and wanted to convey the respect that their time was valuable. I also requested that Sean attend the meeting, but not when it began. He was to wait in the lobby until I came to get him. The three teachers who met that morning were curious about an outsider coming to school. I introduced myself as Sean’s therapist who was interested in their ideas on when Sean did slightly better in their classes. I mentioned that I wanted to focus on when he was successful rather than when he was not. The teachers immediately looked at their grade books and after a few minutes began to describe Sean in a way that surprised me: ENGLISH He is one of the brightest students I have ever had in my English class. He TEACHER: reads things that I can’t read. He talks about subjects that are way out of the other students’ league. He does better when he has a written assignment and can be creative. He can really write. When we discuss novels, he has insight and very intelligent things to say. He just seems to get lost sometimes when the other students act up. Then I see him fold his book and put his head on his desk. BIOLOGY Look at his homework grades: he has turned in only two out of ten homework TEACHER: assignments yet look at his exam grade in biology: it’s a 100. I know he is bright. I really enjoy his presence in my class. He is never a problem and always polite. I wish I knew how to get him to turn in his work. I have asked him what I can do, and he promises to do the work, but it just never makes it to school. COMPUTER I am his computer teacher, TEACHER: and he used to sit in the back of the room until yesterday, when I moved him. He does not have homework in my class, just daily assignments. I found him on the Internet last week and moved him yesterday. He has begun doing the assignments now that he is sitting up front.

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LM:

SEAN: LM:

The conversation was informative and exciting. I was working with a bright, intelligent, yet very bored student. The teachers agreed that if he did his work, he could be in AP classes, but without effort, there was no way he would be recommended. I decided to bring Sean into the meeting. Sean looked terrified as I invited him into the meeting. His school counselor had been talking to him about credit recovery options while he was waiting for me. He looked as if he was going to face a firing squad. Little did he know what was really in store for him. Sean, I have been talking to your teachers. I am quite impressed with them and have learned that they are very impressed with you. Do you realize how much your teachers think of you? No. Then I will let them tell you.

Sean’s teachers relayed their thoughts about his successes and their beliefs that he had enormous potential. They reiterated our conversation in regard to times when he did things well. They said they were willing to do whatever he needed to help him, including providing more challenging assignments. They spoke in such a manner that Sean began smiling and kept smiling during the rest of the short meeting. When the meeting was almost over, I asked his English teacher if she would be interested in recommending him for Advanced Placement English 3 if Sean brought his grade up during the semester, and she said she would. Again, Sean looked at me in disbelief. Before I left the school that day, I asked Sean what he thought of the meeting, and he said, “I had no idea they thought about me like that. I don’t know what to say.” We agreed to meet in a week at my office, and I asked him what he thought he should do at that point. He said, “The least I can do is begin working for them.” A week later, I got a phone call from another teacher who could not make the meeting, and he said Sean was doing all of his assignments. He was much more motivated and attentive. I asked the school counselor to forward the following e-mail to Sean’s teachers, with Sean’s permission: Dear Teachers, Thank you for taking time out of your very busy day to meet with me and Sean Smith last week. I am continuing to work with Sean in regard to his school work. He has told me that he was quite surprised that you thought so much of him. He also said that he plans to show you his appreciation by being more productive in your classes this week. Please watch for times when you see him performing slightly better and mention your observation to him if you have time. Feel free to e-mail me at any time with your thoughts as you watch this future AP student in action. Sincerely, Linda Metcalf The next week, Sean was much more talkative and animated as he described his reaction to the meeting as “awesome, surprising, amazing.” He said he was doing his work more often in several of his classes. After all, he said, he owed it to his teachers. I asked him, on a scale of 1 to 10, with a 10 meaning that he was completely motivated to do his work and a 1 meaning that he was not motivated at all, where he was the first time we met. He said at that time he was at a “3.” I asked him where he was today and he said, “I am an 8.” Meetings with teachers such as Sean’s should be brief, efficient and focused on exceptions. The goal is usually to change behavior or improve academic performance. Thus, the

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role of the school counselor becomes one of helping everyone describe a goal and spend time identifying exceptions. In the meeting with Sean’s teachers, we discussed strengths and exceptions, and the possibility of placing Sean in an Advanced Placement class emerged as a reward that seemed rather logical. How different this meeting might have turned out if the focus had been on asking Sean why he was not performing up to his ability. The chances are that he would have left feeling worse than he did when he entered, and the teachers would have less of an idea to help. But by keeping the meeting solution focused, the possibilities blossomed for everyone.

Stop Power Struggles Now! When people are accused of wrongdoings, they often become defensive and sometimes respond by blaming someone. Students, especially adolescents, often feel vulnerable to the expectations of others (parents or teachers) and respond defensively. The following ideas suggested by Michael Durant in Creative Strategies for School Problems (1990) help school counselors when presented with a student or teacher who feels “persecuted”: 1.

Aligning with the student or teacher in his or her complaint and pursuit of justice will lessen resistance. Try saying: “It must be really tough to hear what Mr. Scott says about you so often; no wonder you want things to be better for you. How will you know when things are better for you in his class? What will I see you doing when that happens?”

2.

Assuming that the student or teacher has a valid argument and that the argument is a defense mechanism, not an attempt to defeat someone, will “normalize” the student’s or teacher’s view: “I certainly understand why you’re upset and why your mom is worried. Can you tell me times when you don’t feel quite as upset? What are you doing during those times that helps you to stay calm and not be as upset by this ‘problem’?”

3.

Wondering out loud what new behaviors might change the “blamed” person’s mind about the student will stop the blame and place responsibility on the student: “I wonder what Mr. Scott might see you doing in the near future that would really change his mind about you. I’ve got this feeling that he really hasn’t seen the person I’m meeting with today. You seem so concerned about school. What do you think it would take to get Mr. Scott off your back? Have you gotten him to lay off before? How did you do this?”

4.

Assuming that the student has accomplished a similar task in other similar situations will encourage his or her chance at success again:

Reviving Piaget 91 “You know, this is the first time I’ve met with you this year and that tells me you have known how to keep the teachers happy for quite some time. How have you done this? What would your other teachers say you do in their classes that works? Based on what you just described to me, what do you think you might try for just a few days in Mr. Scott’s class, to get him to back off? ”

But What If the Teacher or Student Won’t Change? The previous questions place the responsibility of change on the student and the teacher as they meet and discuss what they both need. However, while we always hope that a teacher can collaborate, it may not always happen. There may be a teacher who simply wants the student to change and ignores any request that she try something different. I admit that the solution-focused approach, particularly when it is introduced gently and, as a way for the teacher to get the classroom that she wants, works most of the time. However, I would be neglectful to mention the possibility that a teacher might simply be resistant to doing something new. And, that’s okay. If that is the case, the following questions may be helpful and, realistic: “What if the other person does not change?” “How might you adapt and get through this situation/class/dilemma anyway?” “How have you gotten through situations before, where others did not help?” “What else did you do? What else?” See how these questions still tap into the expertise of the client, seeking exceptions. In the following dialogue from Becoming Solution Focused in Brief Therapy(1992), Peller and Walter explore the possibility of the other person not changing and the consequences of that happening. The solution may not contain what the student desires (such as changing the teacher or parent involved), but it opens possibilities to some change by inquiring about what the student can do alone which may cause someone else to change in future interactions: COUNSELOR: JACK: COUNSELOR: JACK:

COUNSELOR: JACK:

COUNSELOR: JACK: COUNSELOR:

What brings you in, Jack? Mr. Simons kicked me out of algebra class again. That jerk! Really! What happened? He does this every time. The whole class can be talking and screwing around while he is out of the room. When he comes back, who does he yell at and kick out? Nobody else but me. He says with my grades I can’t afford to be screwing around. He just embarrasses me in front of the whole class. I wish I could embarrass him a few times. I wish I could get out of that class. Hmmm. What are you going to do? (With curiosity) I don’t know, he’s such a jerk. He just decided the first day that he didn’t like me and now he is after me every chance he gets. He should retire. He’s too old to be teaching. Guess you figure he’s too old to change, is that right? Are you kidding? He’s so crusty. He would crack at the joints if he tried changing. He shouldn’t be teaching. Well, you might be right about his not changing. He might be set in his ways. So, if he is not likely to change, what will you do? (Accepting his

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JACK: COUNSELOR: JACK: COUNSELOR:

JACK:

COUNSELOR: JACK: COUNSELOR:

JACK: COUNSELOR:

JACK: COUNSELOR: JACK: COUNSELOR: JACK:

COUNSELOR: JACK:

frame, asking the hypothetical solution and presupposing that he will do something) I am probably going to flunk algebra. Oh, and then would you have to repeat it? Yes, and I can’t do that. My parents would be all over me. Oh, no! What are you going to do? You don’t want that. (Presupposing that he will solve the problem) I guess I’ll just have to bite the bullet and be mute in Simons’s class. Will that do it? No, he will still have it in for me. What would he say he wants you to do? (Hypothetical solution, reporting for the other) Simons? He would probably say he wants me to “cooperate” in class. What do you think he would say would be signs, in his way of thinking, that you were cooperating? (Hypothetical solution, reporting for the other) But I am a cooperative guy. So, what do you have to do to be “cooperative” in Mr. Simons’s eyes? I guess he would say that I would not be screwing around when his back is turned. So, you would not be doing that. What would you be doing instead? (Eliciting a positive representation for a well-defined goal instead of the negation) I guess I would be doing my work or at least keeping my mouth shut. Yeah. He would probably say he would like me to volunteer more, too. (Further description) In this dialogue, notice that the counselor honors Jack’s desire to get Mr. Simons to stop kicking him out of class. That is quite different than siding with the teacher. This is what Mr. Simons would say? Yes.

By aligning with Jack yet not offering a solution, the counselor guided Jack to a conclusion that he must take responsibility to help Mr. Simons change. The result? A student who discovers how to behave in class to reach a personal goal which was just staying in class. I would like to add to this section the suggestion of sending an e-mail, with Jack’s permission, to Mr. Simons after the conversation that said something like this:

Reviving Piaget 93 Mr. Simons, I have spoken with Jack today, about your concerns. He developed some ideas that he can try so that his behavior in your class improves. Please watch for what he might try over the next few days. Thanks, Linda Metcalf Again, it is one more step that takes the solution-focused approach systemic. Mr. Simons is upset with Jack and targets him when things get out of hand in his classroom. Jack has misbehaved and desires to just get through the class without being referred, a reasonable and personal goal. If I sent Jack back to class to the same climate, where Mr. Simons is NOT glad to see him, the same behavior is more likely to occur. However, if I write an email prior to Jack’s returning or, walk Jack down to his class, which I always prefer, and re-introduce Jack to Mr. Simons as a student who is going to try and make some changes, the chances are that both Jack and Mr. Simons will see each other slightly differently. That different context has a better chance for change to occur and last.

What If the Teacher Wants the Student to Change NOW? Consider the following dialogue about a possible referral that never took place! MRS. JONES:

COUNSELOR:

MRS. JONES:

COUNSELOR: MRS. JONES:

COUNSELOR: MRS. JONES: COUNSELOR: MRS. JONES: COUNSELOR:

I need you to see Suzanne. She has become so disruptive in my class this week that the rest of the class has a hard time concentrating on anything but her. I need you to see her and find out what’s wrong. Okay, I will see her this afternoon. Before you leave, I would like to ask you something. You mentioned that Suzanne has been disruptive this week. How have things been going the last few months of school? Have you found her as disruptive during that time as well. Well, she’s been one of those students who talks constantly—you know how eighth-grade girls are. She has all these friends and just can’t keep her mouth shut. So, does that mean she has been different and not as disruptive earlier in the year? Probably so. I remember one unit we did two months ago, on Shakespeare. She really liked Romeo and Juliet. At that time, she talked to me and participated really well in class. Good. When else have you noticed Suzanne not disrupting class and participating just slightly better? She was doing okay until about two weeks ago. This has been building steadily. The disruptiveness? Yes. Okay. Would you do something for Suzanne this afternoon, and for the rest of the week, as a way to identify how she and I can work on improving this disruptiveness?

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MRS. JONES: COUNSELOR:

Sure! Here is a teacher referral form. If you would, notice times when Suzanne is not allowing the disruptiveness to bother her. I’d like you to look for times when she is in control of her tendency to be distracted and stays focused. If you will put it in my mailbox tomorrow afternoon, I would really appreciate it so I can assist you with Suzanne.

This dialogue again, shows support and empathy to the teacher and then quickly turns to asking the teacher to do something different. Once the teacher knows that the counselor is an ally, defensiveness typically shrinks. In this case, the teacher never referred Suzanne to me at all. Instead, when I talked to the teacher as a follow up to her request, the teacher said, “I don’t know what happened, but she is doing well now.”

Keeping Score … Differently Another way that teachers can make simple interventions and motivate their students is through using weekly scaling questions. Ellen Boehmer, a former school counselor adapted scaling questions into a simple-to-use method for teachers. She duplicated a scale on three-by five-inch note cards (see sample that follows). When she gave them to teachers of referred students, she explained to the teacher and the students that 1 meant the problem was in control and 10 meant the student was in control. She suggested that the teacher and student collaborate once a week (the day of their choice) about where the student was moving to, based on his or her behavior, grades and participation in school. The simplicity of the card encouraged participation, for all it required was circling a number and noticing the progress. All the teacher had to ask was: “Where do you think you are today?” “How have you moved from here to here?” Teacher: Class/Grade Student: Week of 1

2

3

4

5

6

7

8

9

10

If the student does well one week and then moves downward the next week, the question does NOT become “What’s wrong this week?” Instead, the question becomes “So, tell me what you did last week that you forgot to do this week?” Again, staying solution focused means focusing on the successful times, no matter how small or insignificant they may appear to others.

The End of Resistance: Finding a Way in with Resistant Staff Some of us become resistant when we are confronted, accused, wrongfully blamed or rejected. Within school settings, many systemic factors contribute to a teacher’s, student’s or parent’s resistance. After years of observing teachers, students and parents in the school setting, it has been my observation that resistance is created when we are not respectful of others’ points of view and fail to ask for their input. Sixteen-year-old Steven had been admitted to the psychiatric hospital after he was found drunk repeatedly by his mother, who struggled with alcohol herself. Each week I worked

Reviving Piaget 95 with Steven, and together we noted his achievements in school (which were outstanding) and his participation in the unit group. At treatment team one week, where staff gathered to discuss more diagnosis and progress, I listened as staff discussed what Steven still needed to do according to their diagnosis of him. After listening to the long litany of complaints and pathological descriptions, I asked the team what he had been doing well. Caught off guard at the suggestion, the head nurse replied that he “never did anything well … in fact, he spits, he goes to the gym instead of AA and rarely participates in group.” After repeating my inquiry several times in several different ways, I decided to try a different approach with the nurse. I mentioned to her that she was undoubtedly the most observant member on the team since she saw so much that he did not do well. I then asked her to do something for me that would really help: “Watch for the times next week when Steven does something okay and tell him about it.” She responded quietly that she would try to do that but was doubtful that she would find anything. But, before the end of that treatment team, she turned to me and said: “You know, come to think of it, he did pretty well in group this morning; there was a new patient, and he sort of took him under his wing and got him a chair.” After that comment, I thanked the nurse profusely and asked if she would continue to use her good observation skills. I then found that my client started to do better. When I asked once how he was managing to move up the behavior chart so well, he mentioned that the head nurse was talking to him more and actually complimenting him occasionally.

Get Ready—There will be Puzzled Looks Galore Just as teachers need time and patience to understand the solution-focused approach, so too do students need time to believe in their own abilities or competencies. It is a different experience (and a very pleasant one) for students to hear what they do well instead of being reprimanded. Puzzled looks may appear on the face of a high school junior who is told repeatedly how interesting his responses are in English class, while other teachers find the student annoying. As his teacher inquires of his humorous approach and helpful comments the student wonders what she’s up to. The relationship shifts. Nevertheless, some school clients are determined to focus only on problems and are quite resistant to noticing anything besides the problem at hand. In keeping with the solution-focused basic philosophy, nothing is 100 percent, and sometimes various approaches need to be taken to approach those who see things particularly negatively. If this occurs, a school counselor can cooperate with the problem focus (by stepping into the problem, negatively, with them), since it is the person’s worldview and ask: “This sounds awful for you. When is it the absolute worst?” “How did it get slightly better the next day?”

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Basics Behind the Approach “What might I have seen you doing?” “What did others notice you doing?”

This attempt to cooperate will be appreciated as the school client feels heard and validated. The solution-focused approach may seem positive but is more than complimenting and talking about exceptions. It is about connecting with school clients wherever they are emotionally or mentally. Once that connection is made, especially between teacher and student, guiding both of them on a tour of exceptions is enjoyable and productive.

Fifty Miles and 25 Years I want to share one of my favorite conversations that I had with a teacher in the high school where I was a school counselor. Prior to our conversation, the teacher had tried several strategies with a high school senior who, in her words, “was out to get her.” A seasoned and dedicated teacher of 25 years, she told me she traveled 50 miles each way to teach at the high school each day and often seemed to be proud of her diligence in doing so. So, when she was constantly disrespected by the student, she was not only frustrated and angry, she was hurt. She was one of the teachers in my high school who was a little puzzled by the way I worked. So, on that day she came in and said, “Okay, I’ve got one for you.” I knew I was being challenged! Here is what our conversation looked like: Step 1: Best Hopes LM: TEACHER:

LM: TEACHER: LM: TEACHER:

You have been through a lot with this student. Tell me, what can we talk about right now that would be helpful to you? I guess, help me to know what to do next. Yesterday another incident happened. I had been standing in the hallway, and the same student had snuck up behind me and waved “bunny ears” behind my head when I was talking to another teacher. That was the last straw. I’ll bet. What was that like for you when he did that? To be honest, it hurt my feelings. It was humiliating. I wonder if he knew that. Probably. But he has no conscience.

Step 2: Design the Preferred Future LM:

TEACHER: LM: TEACHER:

You know, you have tried so many things. In fact, I rarely see a teacher as committed to her students as you. And now you are focused on changing a situation. If you had your way, what would you like to see happen between you and this student? Respect. I want him to respect me. What will that look like when it happens? I suppose that he will listen to me and not respond negatively anymore.

Step 3: Exceptions LM:

That sounds very important to you. Tell me, in the past, when people hurt your

Reviving Piaget 97

TEACHER: LM: TEACHER:

LM:

TEACHER: LM: TEACHER: LM:

TEACHER:

TEACHER: LM: TEACHER:

LM: TEACHER:

LM: TEACHER:

feelings, such as friends, relatives or other staff members, what did you do to get them to listen to you? I am actually pretty straightforward. I tell them that they hurt my feelings. How do you do that? I get fairly quiet and serious and then just tell them. Sometimes it’s embarrassing, so I do it in private. So, we ended the conversation like this: You know, since you have tried everything else with this student, I want to encourage you to think about sharing with your student how he hurt your feelings in the same way that you would with a friend, relative or colleague. You mean, actually tell a student that he hurt my feelings? Yes, as you have done with others. I didn’t think we were supposed to be so vulnerable with students. Well, some people think that way, but you seem to be the kind of teacher who could handle that. You did, after all, come to tell me the story, and that tells me you are someone who can handle being vulnerable. I suppose I could try. I really don’t know about this, though. We said goodbye, and the next block of classes began. About an hour and a half later, when the block ended, the teacher literally came running to my office, breathing hard: It worked, it worked! Okay. What worked? Before class started, I took the student outside into a hallway where it was quiet and private. Then I told him that when he waved the bunny ears behind my head yesterday, it hurt my feelings. I told him that his disrespect really hurt me too. I told him I drive 50 miles each way each day to teach because I love the students. Do you know what he did? What? He dropped his head, stared at his shoes, and, I swear, the boy started to cry. When we went back into the classroom, he said nothing for the entire class period. In fact, he was a model student. But who knows if it will last. Who knows? But, you know, not only did you do something different, you did something that has worked for you before. That was very wise. I suppose it was time to do something different.

As time went by during the semester, I had more visits with the teacher, who professed to me each time that her classes were going quite well and that she and the student had not had any more altercations. Each time she warned, “It may not last,” and each time I responded, “Who knows, but whatever you are doing, it’s working so far, so keep on doing it!” What’s quite endearing about the last story is that the same teacher had been skeptical and critical of my methods when I was first hired as a school counselor at her high school. She had

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criticized the way that I visited classrooms to watch for times when students did better work. However, as time went on, she became a good friend and referred many students to me. She also had a good year. And after 25 years, she deserved it. She just needed someone to notice her qualities, just like the students did.

Summary Whether it is letting your teachers know how valuable they are to you through e-mails, notes, cards or even an occasional “solution-focused award” at a faculty meeting, you will change more than their attitude. The ripple effect that occurs when one person changes in a system is invaluable. Let teachers know that not only are you working for students, you are working for them so that they can teach as they want. They are just as much your school clients as are the students and parents whom you work with each day. By always using the solution-focused approach with teachers who ask for your help, you help them grow exponentially! They will become independent and competent, and their students will benefit. You may even find your days less stressful and more delightful! And you deserve that. Dear Miss Guided, I wanted to thank you for assisting me in my work with [student]. With the student’s permission, I will keep you informed of her progress. I know you are a dedicated teacher with many activities to pursue. The time you spent in the hallway was very appreciated. My aim as the school counselor at this school is to meet your needs in the classroom as well as the student’s needs. I look forward to working with you more often to help you continue to be the teacher that you want to be. Sincerely, School Counselor Extraordinaire

Reviving Piaget 99

Solution-Focused Training Exercise: Chapter Four The conversations and interactions that you have with the teachers of your students will have a direct impact on your work with the students. This systemic approach is vital to working efficiently and briefly with students. Write the initials (for privacy reasons) of one teacher in your school who is challenged with problem thinking that might affect the students whom you are working with. Fill in the blanks as indicated. Initials _____________ What are the teacher’s traits that concern you? __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ My current strategy with this teacher is: __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ Is the strategy working? (Circle one) yes no sometimes What do other colleagues do to get the teacher’s attention or cooperation? __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ When you are approached by the teacher or approach the teacher yourself, what is the teacher’s language like: critical, frustrated, helpless, linear in thinking, or something else? __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ What would the teacher say she or he needs from you? __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ When the teacher receives what is needed, how will that help the teacher? __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ What might you do to begin helping the teacher achieve the goal that he or she indicates would be helpful, using his or her language and the way others approach him or her successfully? __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ “Before the week is over, write a brief note,” and place it in the teacher’s school mailbox so it is available to the teacher the next day.

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References Durant, M (1990). Creative strategies for school problems. New York: Norton. Franklin, C (2018). Solution focused brief therapy in alternative schools: ensuring student success and preventing dropout (p. 36). New York: Taylor &Francis. Kindle Edition. Fulghum, R (1993). Maybe (maybe not). New York: Villard Books. Munari, A (1994). “Jean Piaget (1896–1980)” (PDF). Prospects: The Quarterly Review of Comparative Education, XXIV (1/2): 311–327. Peller, J, & Walter, J (1992). Becoming solution focused in brief therapy. New York: Brunner/Mazel. Whole Hearted School Counseling. Tree of hope solution focused hanging scale. Retrieved from https://www.teacherspayteachers.com/Product/Solution-Focused-School-Counseling-GoalSetting-Strength-Based-Interventions-2746490.

5

Setting the Stage for Miracles

Suppose tonight, while you sleep, a miracle happens. When you walk into school tomorrow, what would be going on that would tell you that a miracle had truly occurred? “What would you be doing that you have longed to do as a school counselor?” “As a result of that, what would your teachers notice about you on that miracle day? What would your students notice about you on that miracle day?” “As a result of everyone noticing, what difference might that make for them? What difference would it make for you, when they had a different day?” I begin this chapter with these questions because I know the enormous responsibilities that you have as a school counselor and wish for you, days where you too, can experience the power of thinking with a solution-focused approach. It may be easy to overlook the days when things are not as challenging, yet, by noticing what you do at times, that brings change and assistance to students and teachers, replication of those skills becomes more automatic. You may recall that asking the miracle question is part of step two in the solution-focused process. It is such a vital part of the process, that it gets an entire chapter! It always stuns me when I ask the miracle question and the school client answers with descriptions that would never have occurred to me. And, that is the magic behind the question. The answer is typically the heart’s desire of the school client. Whether teacher, student or parent, the answers give you, the school counselor a glimpse into what would make all the difference for your school client. And when you work with the school client to get a very clear picture of the miracle, you are off and racing toward the solution. This chapter will cover many different and unique applications of the miracle question so that you too, can become an expert at asking it.

The Miracle Question and School Refusal The following case shows another version of using the miracle question with a high school sophomore, dreadfully behind in credits and stuck in a sequence of substance abuse, psychiatric medications, truancy and tragic family life. Travis, age 16, had been truant from school for most of the fall semester. He was typically attending one class out of four each day and was making a high grade in that class. At lunch, he sat in his truck and drank alcohol. He had been evaluated by a psychiatrist and had been given several diagnoses, including depression and bipolar disorder. He was taking medications inconsistently and on occasion would take too much and sleep through class. Travis, age 16, had been truant from school for most of the fall semester. He was typically attending one class out of four each day and was making a high grade in that class. At lunch, he sat in his truck and drank alcohol. He had been evaluated by a psychiatrist and had been

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given several diagnoses, including depression and bipolar disorder. He was taking medications inconsistently and on occasion would take too much and sleep through class. One morning when Travis did come to school, the associate principal requested that I meet with him and his father. I learned quickly from the father that he and Travis’s mother were divorced and that his mother had little to do with her son. This was said in front of Travis, and I noticed how sad he looked as his father continued to describe his mom as a drug abuser and “worthless.” Travis chimed in and said that he had been involved with baseball until this school year when his teammates found out that his mother sold drugs. He said it embarrassed him so much that he dropped out of baseball. Then everything else seemed to go downhill as well. The associate principal tried to find out what Travis wanted to do in regard to school, and he responded that he wanted to drop out and work: “My friends are older, and I relate to them better,” he said. He had little motivation to stay in school. I began talking to Travis, trying to get to know him, and I learned that he lived with his grandparents because he and his dad did not get along. He told me that he had few rules to follow at his grandparents’ house; they left him alone for the most part, yet when they did speak, they were critical of him, so he stayed to himself. I wondered where this young man went for support. It seemed as if he needed a miracle. So I asked him the “miracle” question: “Suppose tonight while you are asleep, a miracle happens, and when you awake tomorrow, you think, ‘Hey, I don’t mind going to school today!’ What would be different as you went through the day that would tell you this miracle had come true?” For the first time in our meeting, I saw Travis sit up and look interested. Then the conversation took a totally different direction: TRAVIS:

LM: TRAVIS:

LM: TRAVIS:

LM: TRAVIS: LM:

I’ll tell you exactly what would be going on. I wouldn’t be in classes with stupid freshmen. They are too lame. I am there because I failed some classes last year, but still, they are so immature. What else? I would have more teachers like Ms. Frazier. I always go to her class. It’s psychology. I like learning about myself and all the stuff that people say is wrong with me. What else is it about Ms. Frazier that keeps you going to class? I walk in, and she comes up to me and says, “I’m glad you are here, Travis.” Then she pats me on my shoulder, and I sit down to work. There should be more teachers like her. What else? I would have friends. I have none, mostly because of the stupid classes that I have with freshmen. Thanks. You have given me an idea. Since it is December and this semester is almost finished, I think it would be a good idea for us to look at your schedule for next semester and change it to accommodate your needs. Come with me to my office now, and let’s figure out what we can do that would help things to get better for you. Travis agreed to look at his schedule and seemed intrigued that I was so willing to help. I changed the schedule so that he was placed with teachers I knew were

Setting the Stage for Miracles 103 more likely to give him the same attention that Ms. Frazier did. I also placed him, with his consent, as an office aide, for which he could earn half a credit doing office clerical work with a secretary in the counseling department. I knew that we had juniors and seniors who were office aides who might befriend Travis. I also knew that the secretary was everyone’s “grandmother,” and he needed an adult to care. Travis seemed to like the idea of a schedule, based on what he told me would be in his miracle. Since the next week was the last before the holiday break, I asked him to come to my office before he went to his first class when the spring semester began. I told him carefully, “Do not go to your first class alone. You are important to me, and I want to introduce you to your teachers before you get to class.” I then e-mailed his future teachers about a ten-minute meeting prior to school starting on the first day of the next semester. He showed up early on the first day of the spring semester, and his four teachers came so I could re-introduce him to his new teachers. His first block teacher put her arm on his shoulder and welcomed him into her classroom. I had e-mailed each of his teachers prior to the first day of the semester, alerting them about Travis’ s need for attention, and each had responded positively. A s the weeks went by, I saw Travis occasionally in the hallway, greeted him, and then followed up by giving one of his teachers a note to give to him that said, “So glad to see you here at school.” The secretary I had assigned him to work with quickly became his “grandmother” and began letting him use her desk as his locker. He soon became friends with the other students who worked along with him in the office. The semester progressed. He missed one day of school. Summer arrived, and Travis put in an application for our district’s accelerated high school program and was accepted. He completed two years of high school in nine months, graduated at the top of his class, and won an award for a science-fiction essay. He graduated that June. After graduation, he came by to see me and brought with him a scholarship application for college that needed a reference. “Would you be a reference?” he asked. I filled out my part of the application and we had this conversation: LM: TRAVIS: LM:

TRAVIS:

You know, I’ve told you that I talk about you when I do workshops. Yes, you told me. (smiling) I trust your opinion. Tell me, if you could tell educators everywhere what some people did for you while you were a high school student to turn things around, what would you tell them? Tell them to build relationships with their students. Some kids never get anybody to care. Let them know how much they mean to students, even when the students don’t show them!

Students like Travis come to us, often needing a miracle, with issues that are intense and tragic. Homelessness, immigration concerns, incarcerated parents, substance abuse, death, divorce, depression, anxiety all weigh heavily on our students’ minds and influence their actions, leaving many of us puzzled in regard to how to help them. Some well-meaning

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counselors think that talking through the issues with students dealing with difficult situations is helpful. Yet, research now tells us that such dialogue can retraumatize the student. Instead, what seems safer and more respectful is to honor what the student wishes to talk about. Neuroscientists are seeing too, that repeatedly going over traumatic experiences in an effort to deal with situations merely deepens the crevices of our neuropathways with the problem descriptions. Eventually, such rumination of the problem makes changing directions toward solutions much more difficult. The miracle question can often help our students to guide the conversations toward what each student wants and needs from us. The miracle question was originally created by Insoo Kim Berg. The story goes that Insoo came up with the idea as she was responding to a client who said, “That would take a miracle” when asked to describe her future life without the problems that brought her to therapy (de Shazer S, Dolan Y, Korman H, Trepper T, McCollum E, Berg IK, 2016). Insoo thought the client’s response was unique and insightful and began asking the miracle question of clients who were unsure how she could be helpful to them. BRIEF Therapy Practice in London, in recent years has rephrased the miracle question into the “tomorrow question,” as an alternative way of asking what a client desires to talk about (Iveson, George, and Ratner, 2016, personal conversation). However the question is asked, the idea behind the miracle question is to seek out the “preferred future,” or, what the client’s world would look like, specifically, when things changed for the better. By getting a very rich, specific, detailed answer, the client begins to visually and emotionally construct an alternative story that can be played out for a short time. It makes sense then, that when working with children and adolescents, helping them to identify what they want to have happen versus what is wrong give them a chance to choose a better destination, and just for a moment, imagine what it would be like for them.

My Miracle? A New Teacher Mehmet was a high school student who had been dubbed “the complainer” by some of my colleagues who had worked with him previously. He was an only child who apparently had a voice at home and wanted that same voice at school. When he couldn’t seem to comply with his algebra teacher’s expectations in class to work silently by himself, he often complained that he just could not stay in that class, so he often walked out. When I met him, it was mid-semester and much too late to switch teachers. I asked him the miracle question, and he answered that a miracle would mean that Mr. Jenkins was out of his life. Since I couldn’t help him to do that, I asked him what that would do for him and he said, “It would keep him from criticizing my homework and constantly calling my parents.” Mehmet’s answer was sensitive and important. A problem-focused counselor might have responded back with “well, it is what it is and you will have to learn to cope with it.” But, fortunately, the solution-focused approach allows for dreams. After hearing what the miracle would do for him, we continued our conversation: LM:

MEHMET:

Mehmet, I appreciate your honesty. Unfortunately, I can’t take you out of his class because it is halfway through the semester and past the transfer date for our school. But let’s keep talking. If Mr. Jenkins were in here right now sitting with us, what would he say you could do just for today that would keep him from criticizing you and calling your parents? I don’t know; maybe not talk when he is explaining a problem at the board. But see, Miss, he just doesn’t like me anyway.

Setting the Stage for Miracles 105 LM: MEHMET: LM: MEHMET: LM: MEHMET: LM:

MEHMET: LM:

LM:

MR. JENKINS: MR. JENKINS: LM: MR. JENKINS: LM:

MR. JENKINS: LM: MR. JENKINS: LM: MR. JENKINS:

Okay. What else would he say? Probably to stop acting up in his class and do my homework and turn it in. I haven’t heard from any of your other teachers this year, and its already March. What have you done in those classes, which must be going okay? If a teacher acts like she likes me, I don’t give them a hard time, and I try to work in their class How would you know if Mr. Jenkins liked you? If I raised my hand, he would call on me instead of ignoring me. He wouldn’t make comments about me either. Tell you what, I would like for both you and Mr. Jenkins to meet with me tomorrow morning for about 15 minutes before school. Until then, watch for signs that he is not always criticizing you. You know, since the class is 50 minutes long, see how many minutes he really spends NOT giving you a hard time. Write them down just for today, okay? I’ll try. I think you are worth our trying something new. What happened in this conversation? Mehmet was listened to and was respected for his wish to get Mr. Jenkins to stop criticizing him, which was Mehmet’s concern. Then I took Mehmet into “responsibility land” by asking him to describe how he had kept his other teachers from criticizing him for almost six months. This approach surprised and empowered him, because he had not thought of himself as responsible for how others treated him. That also gave me new information, that showed me he knew what to do. From there, we decided to discuss the issue with Mehmet’s teacher, using a different kind of conversation. I invited Mr. Jenkins in for a 15-minute meeting the next day and let Mehmet know he agreed to come. Thank you, Mr. Jenkins, and Mehmet, for coming early this morning. I wanted you to be here, Mr. Jenkins, because I know that you are the kind of teacher who wants to do whatever is necessary to help a student. I would hope so. (interrupting) A long time. With this information, what could you each do just for the next few days so that Mehmet gets back on track, like before? I can come by your desk after I have explained a new problem, and if you need help, you can ask me to help you. As you know, I am working with Mehmet, and we are trying to find times when school goes better for him. He has given me permission to talk about his concerns about your class. I’m interested in times when you notice Mehmet doing better in your class. Lately, there haven’t been many times. Earlier in the year there were a few more times. What was different earlier in the year? He participated in class appropriately. If I looked in on him during those days, what would I have seen him doing that was appropriate? He wouldn’t be cutting up with his friends or refusing to do his work like he does now. That makes my job pretty hard. I spend too much time disciplining

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LM: MR. JENKINS:

LM:

MEHMET:

LM: MEHMET:

LM: MEHMET: MR. JENKINS:

LM: MEHMET:

kids and not enough explaining the work to them. I run out of time. Okay. Wow. I’ll bet that is difficult. What would Mehmet be doing differently in the future that could help you instead of cutting up? If he raised his hand before speaking and turned in his work most of the time. He’s a bright student, and when he works, he does quite well. Mehmet, what did Mr. Jenkins do that helped you to raise your hand before and do your work? He explained the work in a way that made it easier to do. I knew the answer, so I raised my hand. How did he explain it so that it was easier? He would ask if anyone had questions, and I raised my hand, and he went over it with me at my desk. How long has it been since you raised your hand for help? Okay. I think I have forgotten to do that for a few other students too, since we have been so busy preparing for the achievement tests next month. You will have to remind me, Mehmet. I want to help you. I want to mention one more thing. You know, early in the year, we did group work, and I always thought of you as a natural leader. You have real potential. Wow, Mehmet, did you think that Mr. Jenkins thought that about you? (looking up, stunned and quiet) MR. JENKINS: Yes, you are.

This conversation took about 15 minutes, and both Mehmet and Mr. Jenkins left my office talking to each other. Mehmet’s behavior radically changed, and when I asked him in a follow-up session the next week, “What’s gone better?” he told me that his teacher was being nicer to him. My response to him was, “What did you do to help that to happen?” He smiled and said, “I guess I behaved better.” Mehmet went on to not only do better in algebra class but began to correct other students in his class when they got off track and stopped listening, to Mr. Jenkins, who thought Mehmet’s new actions were amusing. I suppose he was developing his leadership skills further!

Impossible Miracles? The miracle question can help parents define what they need, especially when their requests or demands, seem impossible: My father would be alive. My mother wouldn’t be in prison. I would not be in a wheelchair I would be the soccer team star. I would be popular. I would be taller, prettier, thinner, handsome.

Setting the Stage for Miracles 107 So, the question becomes, “what do you say when miracle answers such as these can’t happen?” Here’s the answer: “That sounds like a great miracle day.” Yes, agree with the school client. Let them know that you support their dream, their miracle, their answer to their problems. As a wonderful teacher told me once, “never blow out a student’s candle.” The following dialogue with a school client who missed his time with his mother, explains the importance of going slowly and staying patient when asking the miracle question.

Just 30 Minutes Marcus was a ten-year-old school client who was missing his mother’s presence at home and was asked the miracle question to help the school counselor understand her needs: STUDENT:

SCHOOL COUNSELOR: STUDENT:

SCHOOL COUNSELOR: STUDENT: SCHOOL COUNSELOR: STUDENT:

SCHOOL COUNSELOR: STUDENT: SCHOOL COUNSELOR:

My mother would not be married to Joe. She would not work so much either. I think she just wants money. It gets so bad sometimes that I just stay in my room and cry all night long. What would be happening instead of that in the miracle? She would spend more time with me. With Joe around, I never see her. He has this truck that he works on, and he’s always asking her to go out and sit with him while he works on it. She leaves my brother and me to fend for ourselves. It’s not fair. What would you see in the miracle that would begin to tell you that things were becoming a little fairer? Well, with my father dead, it would finally seem like having my mother do things with me occasionally. That would be a start. And how would that help you? I guess I would feel like I hadn’t lost everything. After my father died, I felt lost too. He and I were very close. We did a lot together. Lately I have been thinking how I really don’t have anything. Oh, so doing some things with your mom might mean that you weren’t as lost. Exactly. How much time do you think you might need from your Mom?

Here, the school client comes focused on changing someone else in her miracle, which is doomed to be disappointing. By asking about what the miracle would “do for her,” she was able to verbalize something more specific. “Feeling like I hadn’t lost everything” is a conversation that can deal with, once we know what would be happening instead of that, which was spending time with mom. By then identifying times when the school client did not feel as lost, she identified what time with her mom would provide. With the student’s permission, I often ask if I can call their parents to let them know what their child/teen needs from them. Another option if a phone is not available at their

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home is to write a letter with the school client in your office that she can take home to her mother. This is also a helpful way for the school client to learn to verbalize feelings and needs. Here is the letter that Dear Mom, Ever since Dad died two years ago, I have felt very insecure. I know that you love Joe and that he is important to you, but sometimes I feel like he is more important than me when he stays around so much and takes all of your time when you are not working. I would like it very much if you and I could spend maybe 30 minutes together, two times a week. That would help a lot. -Marcus

My Miracle? To Go Home The questions so far have illustrated how using the miracle question can make a difference in helping students to construct solutions. Yet, as a busy school counselor, chances are that sometimes you might find yourself talking in a hallway or outside the cafeteria. When that happens and time does not allow for a longer conversation, taking the basic idea behind the miracle question and using it can be just as effective. Marisa Bienek, a school counselor in Rosenberg, Texas, shared the following story with me that shows the power of a simple conversation with a first-grade student who was angry and just wanted to go home. Instead of getting into problem talk, Marisa was able to help the student to process some ways he could go home! She told me later that always honoring the student’s request, even if impossible has made a difference for her. I had a first grader who was angry, didn’t want to do any work, and was being very disruptive in class. He was brought to me to see if I could get him to cool down. Once we started talking, he just kept saying “I want to go home. I don’t want to be here.” I asked him: “What would be different at home that would make it better?” He replied, “I could go outside.” I knew that his class was going to specials at that time and there were only about two hours left in the day. So, I asked him: “What if we could go outside on your way to specials?” He said he wanted to do that, so we went on a walk around the building and took the long way to Art. When we got to the classroom, he didn’t want to go in, so I asked him: “What would change if you do go in?” He said: “I could get to go home sooner.” We talked a little more and he finally went into the classroom. I saw him in the hallway on the way back to class after Art and he gave me a big smile and thumbs up. His teacher told

Setting the Stage for Miracles 109 me at the end of the day that he had a fabulous rest of the day! He is doing better and better each day since then. By following the lead of the student, listening to his wish and finding a way to cooperate with the student’s wish by walking around the building, the school counselor did something quite different than just telling him that he should go to class. That cooperative mindset led to the student deciding to go into class as a means of achieving the outcome he wanted … to go home.

The Miracle Question for Grief and Loss The dialogue below is from an actual student who lost his father two years before our conversation. The student was struggling with courses at that time as a junior in high school. He told me that he was present when his father died at home. It was traumatic for him. His answer to the miracle question was, “my dad would be alive.” LM: Mark:

LM:

Mark:

LM: Mark:

LM: Mark: LM: Mark: LM: Mark:

LM:

What difference would that make for you if your father was alive? He was everything to me. He always helped me with my math class and would say how much of a future I had. When he died, no one else did that for me. What difference did that make for you when he would tell you that you had a future? Lots of times, I would be down on myself and when he said that, I would get started again to bring up my grades. And, what else did that do for you when he said that? Like I said, I would get started again and actually start believing in myself too. That always got me going and motivated me. When else, since your father passed away, have you had times when you believed in yourself? I don’t know. Let’s think for a second about places even outside of school when you believed in yourself just slightly and that helped you to get something done. My younger sister sometimes asks me for my help. Somehow, she thinks I can go a lot. (smiling). Little does she know! When else, would you say, that you believe in yourself just slightly? My boss at work seems to think I know things. He put me in charge of checking all of the credit card terminals over the weekend. He said I was a computer person and that he didn’t know what he was doing. It was really simple stuff. Wow. When else?

And the conversation continued with more “when else’s?” and resulted in quite a list. I made a copy of the list and handed it to the student, asking him to keep watching for times

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when he sensed that others and him, believed in him. I also crafted an e-mail to Mark’s teachers that day, with Mark, that went like this: Dear Teachers, I am talking with Mark Smith, who told me that he wants to get back on track with his grades. Mark shared with me that when he thinks others believe in him, he is more likely to be motivated to get his work done. Over the next few days, when you see Mark trying to bring up his grades or work in class, consider letting him know that you noticed. Thanks, Linda Metcalf Mark Smith The e-mail to his teachers provides his teachers with information that may help them to reach out to Mark on occasion. Taking the time to do that for Mark in addition to checking in on him often, honored his exceptions and gave him support that he needed at school.

Just a Sprinkle of Fairy Dust for Elementary Students Using the miracle question with elementary school clients can be done in many different ways depending on the age and ability of the student to conceptualize the future. It is a delightful way to help them to figure out what would make the “problems” less of a problem. I like using questions such as: “If I sprinkled fairy dust over your school while you slept tonight, and you went to school tomorrow what would you notice?” “If you had a wish that you wanted to come true at school tomorrow, what would that wish be?” And again, whatever response you get, honor the response and help it become more specific and doable with: “So, on that day, what would you be doing that would tell you the fairy dust worked?” “How would that help you have a good day?” The goal is to help the school client to share with you what their goal would do for them. This helps you to get the goal to be specific and clear. It is essential that when a young person shares their wish with us that we must try and grant it by continuing to seek what the most important wish will do for them. From there, you can progress to more questions that help the student to gain specific actions and thoughts that will push them into a better story. Take your time and write down their ideas, making a copy for them as they lead your office. Students may lose notes that are punitive or notes that convey a problem at school. I rarely have seen a student lose a note with their future ideas enclosed.

The Brilliance of a Question: What Difference Would That Make for You? The question, “what difference would that make for you” (Iveson, George, and Ratner, 2016) helps a student to continue to process to describe the preferred future in detail. Of all

Setting the Stage for Miracles 111 the questions that may compose a solution-focused conversation, this one is priceless, as it has the ability to transform an impossible wish to a possible wish, just by asking the same question over and over and over again. And, the school client doesn’t even know that you are doing so! For minutes in your office, they are free from the affliction of a problem that has tormented them and are given a chance to step into a new story. Sometimes, you may consider acting out the wish. Iveson, George, and Ratner (2016, personal conversation) talked of a young kindergarten student who was misbehaving so much she was in jeopardy of being expelled. As Chris talked with her, and she told him what she would be doing so that her miracle happened, she said: 1 2 3 4

Share Sit up straight Pay attention Walk in a line

Chris then asked the girl to show him what that would look like, so he could learn to do it too. She did so. Soon, she and Chris were sitting up straight and then walking in a line around his room. While fun and imaginative, this brilliant adaptation of the miracle question, allowed the girl to practice so Chris could be amazed at what she knew to do! This also served to please her mom, who wondered if her daughter knew how to follow the rules. Once she saw that her daughter indeed did know, she felt less anxious as well. The girl began to do much better in school and was not expelled. Other strategies that I have used include using stuffed animals to represent the problem and then, the solution. In my office I have an array of stuffed animals, everything from monsters, teddy bears, tigers, snakes and elephants. When I ask young children to tell me which of the stuffed animals are like the problem, they quickly grab the snake, tiger or ugly monster. When I ask them to replace the problem with a stuffed animal that might help them to have a happy day, they grab the stuffed animals and start talking. I sometimes send the stuffed animal home “on loan.” While I have lost a few, this strategy keeps visually, their goal in mind through the week.

The Miracle on the Roof I recall an eight-year-old child whose parents had moved from another state due to the father’s job change. Upon meeting the mother and daughter, her mother told me that she, herself, was depressed that she had not found a new job. She was also concerned that her child had begun having hysterical crying outbursts at school, requesting that her mother pick her up during the day. The mother dutifully picked up the girl and then took her out to lunch to spend time with her, hoping to soothe her. I noticed how the daughter clung to her mother. The mother also said that at home, the girl would stay in the house with her in the afternoon instead of playing with her ten-year-old brother, whom she used to love playing soccer with. With situations like these, with so many things to consider, I simplified things by asking the mother what she hoped we could talk about. The mother replied simply that she wanted the girl to go to school and be happy there. I asked the girl: “Suppose tonight, while you sleep, I sprinkle fairy dust on your school. There is so much fairy dust that when you get to school tomorrow, you want to stay there. If I watched you on that day, what would I see you doing?”

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The girl sat up on the floor where she and I were sitting and said: “I would be on top of the school building eating lunch, looking up at the sky. Then, after school, I would be running outside with my brother. That would be a great day.” Before I could respond, the mother said, “oh my, I had no idea. It sounds like she feels like she has to be with me.” From there, rather surprised at the mother’s translation, I watched as the mother told her daughter that playing more with her brother at home was a super idea. Suspicious that perhaps the girl was trying to take care of her mother, I asked the mother at that point, to tell the girl about her plans to get a new job and also what she liked about the new town that they were living in. The mother replied to the daughter about how she was looking forward to getting a new job and that she, (the girl) did not need to worry. I encouraged the mother to reiterate her goals and to tell her daughter about her plans for the day each morning when she dropped her daughter off at school. Within a couple of days, the girl was not having any crying outbursts and the mother reported seeking a job more consistently. On the next page is a brief template that can be used with a variety of students, parents and teachers, using the miracle question to gather information from the school client. It is Step Two in the solution-focused steps, so this expanded template will provide you with more information about the miracle for school clients who need more time conceptualizing what it might look like.

Watch Out for the Miracle! Life can be hard, and sometimes it can be so challenging that it’s hard to think of what you would like to be different. This exercise will help you to figure out what you do want, just by observing. We will discuss it when I see you again! As you go through the next day or week, watch for times when things are slightly better. Write them down. ___________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________ Times when things seemed to work better for you? ___________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________ What difference did those activities make for you? ___________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________

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The Miracle Question 1

Ask the miracle question: “Suppose tonight while you sleep, a miracle happens. When you awake tomorrow morning, what will be different that will tell you that a miracle has happened in your life?”

Adapt this accordingly for conversations with elementary and secondary students or parent conversations. Help the client to define the miracle in terms of what he or she wants versus what would not be happening. The client has to be able to see the miracle. ___________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________ “Tell me what difference will your miracle make for you?” X5 ___________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________ “Tell me about times when a little of this happens now, even in other places or situations.” ___________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________ “From these ideas, which ones you would like to try, just for a day [for elementary students] or a week [for secondary students].” ___________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________

Summary Remember that on any given day, any of us could use a miracle. When you have a tough day and wish things were different, ask yourself the miracle question and go through the steps described in this chapter. It will give you a sense of relief to know what you are really looking for. And then, as the solution-focused approach promises, once you know what you are looking for, creating the preferred future is easier.

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Solution-Focused Training Exercise: Chapter Five Let’s follow the process by going back to the beginning of this chapter a little more specifically. Suppose tonight, while you slept, your school became solution focused. What would be happening when you arrive at the building tomorrow morning that would tell you things were very different? Who would be doing things differently? ___________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________ How would those changes make your day different? ___________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________ What else would be happening to make your day different? ___________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________ What would that do for you? ___________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________ As a result, what would you be doing that you would be the proudest of? ___________________________________________________________________ Just for today, try out one of the answers. ___________________________________________________________________

References de Shazer S. Dolan Y. Korman H. Trepper T. McCollum E. Berg IK. (2016). More than brief therapy. Oxon, UK: Routledge. Iveson, C. George, E. & Ratner, H. (2016). BRIEF Therapy Practice Workshop-Personal Communication. London.

Part II

Applications of the Approach

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Supporting All Students through Challenges

Taylor was a bright, precocious five-year-old who glanced through each magazine in the waiting room, reading each page aloud to his mother. Then he tackled the box of blocks with ferocious energy, building a structure that seemed architecturally ahead of his time. Although quite masculine in appearance and behavior, I soon learned that Taylor was teased by the first and second-grade boys as being gay because he only wanted to play with the girls. This didn’t seem to faze Taylor, but it bothered his mother. She was as concerned about his overt feminine side as much as she was over Taylor’s tendency to become angry and violent with other boys when they teased him. When that happened, Taylor was punished by his teacher, which again brought him negative attention. Taylor’s teacher often dealt with his misbehaviors by announcing to the class that Taylor was to be “invisible” to everyone, which often meant that he was invisible at lunch, so his classmates sat far away from him. The mother had spoken to the teacher and even the principal about this technique, which she found offensive and cruel. However, both educators dismissed her request for a different approach, saying it was school policy. Taylor increasingly disliked going to school due to the humiliation he experienced from the bullying. When he continued to act out, his mother wondered if he was out of control or a victim of emotional abuse. I approached Taylor carefully and played blocks on the floor with him for a while, talking to him and asking what his time at school was like. I learned that he played with the girls more often because they were nicer to him. The boys, he said, liked to play rough sports, and he was more into playing school and house with the girls. He loved certain parts of school, especially library time, when he could read whatever he wanted. He disliked being called “invisible” very much. As I played with him briefly, I asked him to imagine a new day when school went well for him, almost like I had waved a magic wand and created a new story for that day when he was the star. He told me that on that day, he would not be in trouble because he wouldn’t be getting angry and that his teacher would like him. The other boys would also like him. It was getting angry, he said, that got him into too much trouble with everyone. I admit that I was very distressed that a school would use a tactic such as the “invisible” punishment. Yet, Taylor and his mom did not want to address that issue when they came to the first session. So neither did I during the session. After the session, I did mention to his mom that I was very concerned that a school would have such a policy. The mother took my comment to heart and continued to pursue the practice while Taylor and I met a few times.

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Taylor’s identification of anger as “getting him in trouble” also gave me a reason to try externalizing the anger with Taylor and help him write a new story. Our conversation went like this: LM: TAYLOR: LM: TAYLOR: LM: TAYLOR: LM:

LM:

TAYLOR: LM: TAYLOR:

Tell me about getting angry. What is it like for you when that happens? I get really mad and then I hit people. Then the teacher punishes me. And then what happens? I get in trouble and then my mom gets mad at me too. So, the anger kind of takes over your day at school and makes you do things that you don’t want to do, right? Yeah. Tell you what. Here is some paper. Let’s draw what that anger looks like when it is at school, following you around, waiting to take over. Can you draw it with me so we know what it might look like? Being a former art teacher, I love drawing pictures with children and often find it a good joining technique. Together, Taylor and I composed a sort of monster with a huge grin and ugly teeth. He said, “It wears sunglasses because it gets so bright outside sometimes.” As we put sunglasses on the monster, it reminded me of Cousin It from the Addams Family television show. I told Taylor about Cousin It with his long hair over his face, and Taylor liked the idea, smiling and laughing with me. So, this is what the anger looks like when it follows you. Not too much fun. And, remember, it’s not you; it’s Cousin It that is the problem. Tell me, what will happen when Cousin It begins to stay away? I won’t be in trouble, and I won’t hit anybody. Wow. What would be there instead of the anger monster then? Something a lot better.

And so, we began to draw “something a lot better,” which turned out to be a gigantic teddy bear with a smile, soft eyes and soft fur. Taylor loved the drawing and wrote his name across the top of that page. I then gave both pages to Taylor and his mother and asked his mother to remind him each day to choose between the two pictures as he got out of the car at school. Taylor said that he knew which one that he would choose each day. He wanted to “take” the bear to school and wanted me to keep Cousin It. I complimented Taylor on his choice and reminded him that Cousin It might try to trick him into being angry. I then mentioned that there was a good chance that the teddy bear and Taylor would win over Cousin It. To that remark, he smiled and hugged his mother. As a safeguard, I mailed a note to Taylor’s teacher describing the externalizing process and asking her to notice when Taylor was able to control the anger. Taylor returned with his mother two weeks later, carrying the picture of the bear. Smiling, he described two weeks of staying out of trouble. His mother, still unhappy with the teacher, said that Taylor had done quite well at home and at school in spite of the atmosphere at school. I applauded Taylor in his ability to keep the bear alive even when it was difficult for him. The mother told me that she had plans to enroll Taylor in a private school the next year where he could be accepted for who he was. As I write this new edition, an interesting follow up occurred from nine years ago. A school counseling student began her internship at a middle school in a town near me. One day she came in and said, “Dr. Metcalf, do you remember a boy named Taylor?” I looked

Supporting All Students through Challenges 119 up and actually did not recall that name. She said, “Well, the other day, I was telling my middle school students where I go to school and that you are my teacher. A very nice, polite young man named Taylor came up to me and said, ‘Tell Dr. Metcalf that Cousin It still isn’t around.’”

Helping LGBTQ Students to Be at Their Best While Taylor’s case is troubling for several reasons, he was fortunate to have a supportive parent who believed in him enough to find a school that was more accepting. This case occurred in the early 2000’s. Years later, more sensitivity is encouraged according to the Human Rights Campaign Foundation. The 2018 LGBTQ Youth Report sheds light on the current state of our LGBTQ youth: The more than 12,000 respondents, ranging in age from 13 to 17, and from all 50 states and Washington D.C., participated in the online 2017 LGBTQ Teen Survey located at (Kahn, Johnson, Lee & Miranda, 2018): https://assets2.hrc.org/files/assets/ resources/2018-YouthReport-NoVid.pdf LGBTQ young people who participated in the survey also made crystal clear that supportive families and inclusive schools are the key to their success and well-being. HRC and researchers at the University of Connecticut noted: The survey found that these teenagers are not only experiencing heartbreaking levels of stress, anxiety and rejection, but also overwhelmingly feel unsafe in their own school classrooms. •

• •

• • •

Seventy-seven percent of LGBTQ teenagers surveyed report feeling depressed or down over the past week Ninety-five percent of LGBTQ youth report trouble sleeping at night LGBTQ youth of color and transgender teenagers experience unique challenges and elevated stress—only 11 percent of youth of color surveyed believe their racial or ethnic group is regarded positively in the U.S., and over 50 percent of trans and gender expansive youth said they can never use school restrooms that align with their gender identity More than 70 percent report feelings of worthlessness and hopelessness in the past week Only 26 percent say they always feel safe in their school classrooms—and just 5 percent say all of their teachers and school staff are supportive of LGBTQ people Sixty-seven percent report that they’ve heard family members make negative comments about LGBTQ people

In other words, seeing all students, teachers and parents, regardless of diversity, as humans who have wishes or goals for their life can guide us into a conversation that can be more helpful and informative. The need to address such diversity specifically, by a counselor or teacher who thinks it needs to be addressed, seems less important than what the student wants addressed. We must honor what the student wants, and the solution-focused approach does just that!

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Guiding Ideas for Working with LGBTQ Students Rebekka Ouer, author of Solution-Focused Brief Therapy with the LGBT Community (2015) works with LGBT youth, families and couples in her practice in Dallas, Texas. In the case of working alongside diverse students, who struggle with identity, orientation, cultural differences, race, ethnicity, homelessness and more, the idea of seeing them first as humans rather than simply diverse seems the most respectful approach for schools to take. Writing this chapter, I have chosen certain tenets from Ouer’s work and explanations that follow to emphasize the usefulness of solution-focused work with students, teachers and parents in schools with LGBT youth. The ideas expressed so well by Ouer are guiding ideas for us as educators. When we put aside our suspicions that diverse students are struggling because of their uniqueness, we rob them and ourselves from seeing their abilities. Like any other student we see, students of diversity deserve a kind human who focuses on their goal and seeks strengths and abilities in that student to achieve those goals. Ouer writes as follows: “…With the assumptions and tenets of SFBT as my base, I have outlined five important principles that highlight these beliefs as they pertain to solution focused sessions with LGBT school clients. These basic principles, along with a solution focused perspective, guide my therapeutic conversations in every single session I have with LGBT individuals, couples, and families.” 1

LGBT school clients/relationships/families are valid and have as much chance of health and success as their cisgender-heterosexual counterparts In relation to the LGBT community in general, keeping the discussion targeted squarely on solutions requires an unwavering belief in the client’s ability to reach their very best hopes. And therefore, it is of the utmost importance as a clinician working with the LGBT community that you see these school clients and their relationships as being as valid and healthy as their cisgender-heterosexual counterparts. All of our school clients deserve a therapist who believes fully in their true potential to have a healthy and successful life, and when you hold on to this principle you are likely to ask respectful questions that reflect this belief.

2

LGBT school clients come into therapy with histories that are rich with evidence of resiliencies, strengths, values, skills and resources. Every client that you see has some story to tell about their life, and in her book Tales of Solutions: A Collection Of Hope-Inspiring Stories, Insoo Kim Berg (2001, p. xiv,

Supporting All Students through Challenges 121 co-authored with Y. Dolan) writes: “While many approaches to therapy involve helping school clients to tell their stories, a distinguishing principle of the solution focused approach is that the therapist empowers school clients to retell their stories based upon their goals, rather than basing their goals upon their stories.” It is my belief that as a direct result of their minority status, an LGBT individual, couple, or family must be overcoming familial, personal, and/or societal difficulties somehow, and with this principle as a guide we can both carefully listen for, and respectfully invite them to tell us, how they have done so. 3

A client’s LGBT status does not automatically correlate with the problems they are experiencing. This principle asserts that you simply cannot assume that your client is experiencing negative effects of their sexual or gender minority status in congruence with working in a solution-focused way. As I pointed out earlier, many people believe that simply identifying as transgender is reason enough to need therapy, regardless of whether that individual wants or feels the need to go to a therapist. It is my assertion that this belief is simply wrong. I think it is akin to believing that all left-handed people should go to therapy because of the difficulties faced by their left-handedness.

4

Until proven otherwise, family members of LGBT individuals have the ability and potential to evolve and change their thoughts and feelings after a loved one comes out. I’ll never forget the session that I had with a man in his fifties who came to me with the hope of coming to terms with the possibility that his adult son was gay. This man was devout in the strictest of faiths, and everything about his religion told him that if his son was in fact gay, he would suffer both in life and in his afterlife. But this incredibly loving and dedicated father came to a therapist who he knew to specialize in the LGBT community, with the hope of responding out of love for his son, should he come out, and keeping their relationship strong and healthy through this potentially difficult process. I realized that day that there is always potential for loved ones to come around and find ways to love and accept their LGBT kin, and even when every card is stacked against the odds, that love can prevail.

5

As experts in their lives, each LGBT client defines for themselves: sexuality. It is important not to assume anything about how your client identifies until they tell you. I once had a session with a young man who emailed me through my LGBT website—so my seemingly innocent and logical assumption was that he was somehow from within this community. When he came in to see me, it was in the back of my head the whole time that he was either gay or bisexual. His hope from our work together was to get over a recent break-up that was giving him an incredibly hard time. About ten minutes into our session, he hadn’t yet specified the gender of the person he had broken up with, but I still found myself assuming it was a male—he had come to me via my LGBT website after all. But before I could embarrass myself by asking a question about his ex-boyfriend, he specified two things: his relationship had been with a girl, and although he was very much heterosexual, he came to me, a therapist that he knew specialized in the LGBT community, because he had recently tried another therapist who ended up being a conservative religious man that he didn’t click well with at all. He assumed that because I was a therapist who specialized in work with the LGBT community, I must be pretty liberal and open-minded, and he though we would have a

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Applications of the Approach much better chance of connecting and getting along, and thus having a more helpful conversation. (Ouer, 2015, pp. 24–22)

Honoring and Cooperating with Culture As a high school counselor, I received a surprising phone call one day from Ms. Sang. Her son, a bright and well-liked student, had achieved an afternoon release from classes as a senior. He had taken all of the required classes to graduate. When I heard Ms. Sang’s distress, I invited her to come talk to me at school so I could further understand her concern. LM: What brings you in, Ms. Sang? MS. SANG: I am very upset with this school. They are not giving my son enough of what he needs for college. He is a senior and he is not taking enough AP [Advanced Placement] classes so that he can be the top student in his class at graduation. It is September, and I demand that you put him in all honors classes in the spring. In our family, you are supposed to work hard. He works at school and then in our restaurant at night. He studies until midnight, then comes to school. Next semester he tells me that he qualifies for a class period time off since he has taken all of his required classes. He says that he can get out of school at noon. He tells me that there is nothing else to take. This is ridiculous. He needs to study! LM: This sounds very important to you. I agree that it is a good idea for your son to study hard. But I am a little confused about what we can do. Let me ask you something. If you had your way and our school was doing exactly what you wanted us to do for your son, as if a miracle happened when you woke up tomorrow, what would we be doing? MS. SANG: You would have my son studying something important that would help him in college next year. He would not have a time off in the afternoon. LM: Tell me what sorts of classes that you feel have already helped him to prepare for college. MS. SANG: He is very interested in physics. The more he knows, the better he will do in college. He spends time with Mr. Johnson, his former physics teacher, in the afternoon after school. He is the Physics Club sponsor. It seems that Mr. Johnson is someone he enjoys talking to. He loans him books. LM: Since we really do not have any other classes that your son could take, let’s come up with some sort of way that he could expand his knowledge of, maybe, physics. You said that Mr. Johnson is someone he enjoys talking to. MS. SANG: Yes, he is. LM: I wonder if Mr. Johnson needs an assistant in an afternoon class? Would your son like to do that? MS. SANG: He is very interested in aeronautics.

Supporting All Students through Challenges 123 LM:

Great. I would like you to contact Mr. Johnson and ask him about how your son could assist him. I will e-mail him now before you leave and let him know that you are going to talk to him this week. MS. SANG: Yes. I can do that. Ms. Sang talked with Mr. Johnson, who then asked her son, Tim, to be his lab assistant during the last period of the day that semester. Not only did Tim enjoy the chance to work with his teacher, he used the experience to write about on his college essay. He is now in college and, I assume, studying very hard! As educators, we know the value of consistency, support, encouragement and safety. We attempt to provide such ideas each day in our classrooms. Yet, imagine if the classroom was the only place a student experienced such comforts, for 7 out of 24 hours a day. The report, Federal Data Summary School Years 2014–15 to 2017–17, Education for Homeless Children and Youth, National Center for Homeless Education, states that “homelessness among students enrolled in schools from kindergarten through twelfth grade has increased 70 percent over the past decade.” (“Federal Data Summary School Years ...,” 2019). Below, according to the report, are some considerations to keep in mind about homeless youth: “The majority of students experiencing homelessness, 76% share housing with others due to loss of housing, economic hardship, or a similar reason. Shelters are the next most commonly used type of housing, at 14%. Six percent had a primary nighttime residence of hotels or motels and 4% were identified as unsheltered. The unsheltered category grew the most, with a 27% increase in the number of unsheltered students.” The change in the unaccompanied homeless youth subgroup was the most marked of the subgroups, with an increase of 25 percent. Additionally, unaccompanied youth make up 10 percent or more of the homeless student population in 28 states. The report also highlights a link between homelessness and poor academic outcomes, finding that 64 percent of homeless students graduated in the 2016–17 school year—13 percentage points below other low-income students and 20 percentage points below all students. And then, there was this statement: “However, during SY 2016-17, approximately 30% of students experiencing homelessness achieved academic proficiency in reading (language arts), and 25% of them were proficient in mathematics.” Resiliency, determination and a desire to achieve is often within the students without homes. As school counselors, are we prepared to talk with the homeless student and share resources when they are requested? And, are we prepared systemically, to promote their need to succeed alongside their peers who have homes? To do so we must again see past what the students do not have toward what they do have. What better place to look for guidance than Garza High School, where all students are served with the same solutionfocused mindset.

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Keeping Expectations High for at Risk Students When Linda Webb, principal at Garza High School, talks to audiences about her students, who are often referred to as at-risk, she makes a statement that we all should keep in our minds when we encounter struggling students: “When we dumb down the curriculum for at-risk youth, we put them more at risk.” (Webb, personal communication, 2019) As a result of Dr. Webb’s beliefs, at Garza High School students dealing with a variety of situations that typical public schools can’t handle are faced with a staff that wants to find reasons to admit them into their school. To go to Garza the student must apply and then go through an interview. Not only is the student interviewed, the student interviews the principal, the primary interviewer. “The student is encouraged to be very honest during this interview, as there are no right or wrong answers to the questions. Consistent with the solution-focused mind-set, the principal is looking for reasons to grant the student acceptance into the school, not reasons to deny the individual. Instead of looking for students to respond in the right way, an administrator will be thinking about whether or not the school is equipped to fully support the student to reach a goal of graduation. Can this student’s life provide space for success in this school right now? Students with specific struggles, such as homelessness, would require a detailed plan on how the school can best support them, which might include connections with the students’ shelter caseworker and a plan for meals. The administrator must consider if the school’s student support team has the appropriate resources to best help this student. If they do, the student becomes part of the student body.” During the interview, the student is directed to ask, “Is this school a good fit for me?” At the same time, the administrator considers whether or not the student is a good fit for the school. As mentioned before, the emphasis is also placed on the choice of the student: Does the student want to be here? Without that choice, the school becomes a disciplinary center where students are sent rather than a choice the student has made to be a part of a new educational opportunity that will build solutions. During the actual interview, questions are asked of the student, such as “What worked at your old high school?” “What didn’t work?” and “How can our school fit your needs?” The principal will also explain the solution-building approach, how the school focuses on the future and that the student can start there with a clean slate, perhaps even stating, “Whatever happened in your past education is the past, and you can choose to become a new person here.” Additionally, the principal emphasizes to the prospective student the school’s high standards and expectations of respect towards all individuals. In the same mind-set of holding high standards for staff members, students are expected to raise themselves to a higher standard. Garza has a code of honor that communicates these expectations. The Garza Code of Honor, states that everyone: “demonstrate personal honor and integrity at all times choose peace over conflict, and [provide] respect for ourselves and others.” (Franklin, 2018, pp. 52–54)

Supporting All Students through Challenges 125 As students go through the orientation at Garza they are also encouraged to imagine a future and set some goals for themselves. They are asked the miracle question, similar to the ones we discussed in Chapter Four. They are encouraged to dream about what might be different when the problems that brought them to Garza are no longer present. Questions for students who struggle with homelessness, substance abuse and other situations are asked questions such as: “Someday, when that miracle begins to happen, what difference will that make for you?” “What would others in your life begin seeing you do?” “Who would you hope would be pleased?” “What might it be like for you to know you were pleasing important people in your life?” “What else would be different for you?” By adding in the questions of what others might see the student do, new relational strategies begin to take form. “What would it mean to a family who had never had a high school graduate when the student graduates?” “What might it be like for an uneducated single mother who struggled to help her daughter get through school make it and go on to junior college?” These new chapters occur every day at Garza High School and other schools that take notice more of a student’s potential rather than a student’s past. As for the teachers at Garza, they are trained intensely in the solution-focused approach, making it easier to converse with students who have so much going on in their lives. Using the three steps illustrated in this book, any teacher or administrator can talk with a student who seems to have problems staying in school, behaving or following policies. By seeing the student as another human who has not found her way yet, the questions are a breath of fresh air, designed to get them back on track.

Students Who Struggle with Mental Health One in six youth suffer from a mental illness or disorder. Those students come to school, bothered by symptoms that teachers may never recognize. As school counselors, we have an opportunity to talk with students and try to find ways to provide relief. By externalizing problems of “trauma,” “loss,” “sadness,” “homelessness” or “feeling different” or any other words that your students present to you, you offer them a reprieve from the problems that attempt to crush their spirit. Sometimes, the problem may be that the student is having to cope with a problematic environment at home, and a parent that does not intend to change their negative interactions with the student. Helping the student may mean externalizing the problem so the student feels less like he is a problem and more like he has some control to stay out of the parent’s way occasionally. The next case shows us how the questions around externalizing can elicit exceptions that lead to amplifying the student’s self-worth in spite of a negatively reacting parent.

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Just Seeking Confidence Melissa, age 16, came with her father to counseling. Her mother had passed away when she was younger. She initially talked about feeling very self-conscious and insecure around people. Her father then told me that he wanted her to talk to me about recent events with her boyfriend. I could tell from Melissa’s silence that perhaps talking separately might be helpful. I asked her father to take a break and reassured him that I would invite him back when Melissa and I had talked a while. When her father left, Melissa said that she wanted to talk about feeling more confident, not about her boyfriend. He was fine, she said. She was also concerned that her father was at times very rude and critical of her. She wanted to spend more time with him where things were good between them. She said she felt terrible about herself and wanted the confidence to get through the rough times with him in a better way. As we talked, I asked her to tell me how the “lack of confidence” bothered her and we constructed quite a list that include such things as: • • • •

I isolate into my room more than I should. I stay away from groups of people at school. I feel very sad. I don’t want to go out with my boyfriend at times … and more.

As we began talking about standing up to the “lack of confidence” that Melissa had portrayed to me as taking over her life, she responded: “Well, I think if I acted like I do at my new job, I would do better.” I then asked about her new job and she said: “I am a hostess at a restaurant.”I sat there and smiled and said, “Wow, you are a hostess. How are you able to put aside lack of confidence when you are a hostess?” She smiled and said: “Well, I just push myself. I have worked there for about three months and I think it is good for me.” The “exception” Melissa shared about the hostess position is so unique to the solutionfocused approach, that it gave Melissa and I quite a bit to talk about in regard to her competencies. We also addressed how she could talk with her father if/when he was rude and critical. Before, she said, she would argue and yell back at him, which made things worse for both of them. We talked about how she sometimes had to address a rude customer as a hostess. She smiled and told me what she did, successfully. After our session, we had constructed two great lists. One list was full of the problems that “lack of confidence” brought to her and the other list was full of her solutions. At the end of the session, I asked Melissa’s father to come back in for a few minutes. The first thing I said to him with Melissa’s permission was, “You are so important to your daughter.” The father bowed his head and said, “She’s really important to me too.” I then said that over the next week, she was going to try out some new strategies for building her

Supporting All Students through Challenges 127 confidence. He seemed pleased. I then asked if he would just watch for those times and then let her know that he noticed. He said he would. The worksheet that follows can be helpful to school counselors who are trying to help students dealing with mental health issues or challenging situations. While it is always recommended that referring to an outside therapist is best, school counselors can also provide brief conversations that can help a student get through the day. The steps externalize the problem using the student’s language and assist the student to find ways to stand up to the problem and gain freedom from the event. Useful for trauma, abuse, social and environmental disasters, the process is freeing for students, as they are no longer the problematic person, but a person bothered by a problem, needing a path out of the problem, if only for a short time.

Push the Problem Far, Far Away! Student Name: Date: Student’s name for the problem situation: Step 1. How does (the problem) keep you from being the student you want to be? What does it make others see in you? (Get at least 10!) Keep asking “What else does it do?” and “What else would others say it does?” 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 Step 2. Imagine, that when you walk out of my office today, that you spend the rest of your day (or tomorrow) NOT letting the problem take you over. What would you be doing and what would others see you doing? 1 2 3 4 5 Step 3. Copy this form, give to the student and set the next conversation time to check in. With the student's permission, send an e-mail to teachers letting them know that the student is going to be working on some new strategies. No need to explain them. Step 4. Follow up: At the second conversation, begin with “What’s better?” and “What would others say is better?” Then, “How did you do that?”

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When Students Struggle with Bad Habits: Get a Skill Ben Furman is a Finnish psychiatrist and an author of many children’s books. In his groundbreaking book Kids’ Skills (2004) Furman gives solution-focused school counselors another way to conceptualize how they work with elementary and middle school students. For example, instead of thinking that Sally needs to stop tattling on Jeanne, her friend, the teacher thinks that Sally just needs to learn how to be a good friend and sets up some opportunities during class time for her to do so. What if a child who needs to stop creeping into his parents’ room at night needs to learn how to fall asleep in his room by himself and his parents begin brainstorming with him how that can happen?. Furman (2004) writes that “the kids’ skills program is based on the notion that children do not actually have problems; they simply lack skills that they have not yet learned. In other words, most issues confronting children, including fears, bad habits, and disorders involving sleep, eating, urinating and defecating, can be perceived as undeveloped skills. By learning the relevant skills, children overcome the corresponding problems” (p. 4). This is a refreshing way to redescribe children who others fear have deeply rooted problems. Furman mentions that thinking about kids’ skills prevents “blamestorming,” something that happens when parents blame teachers or each other for their child’s problems. When using kids’ skills, “We do not devote much time to finding out the original cause of the child’s difficulty. Instead we focus on what the child needs to learn, thus avoiding those typical faultfinding conversations so characteristic of more traditional approaches to childhood issues” (p. 8). Furman (2004, pp. 10–11) lists these 15 steps as important to developing kids’ skills: 1 Converting problems into skills—Find out what skill the child needs to acquire to overcome the problem. 2 Agreeing on the skill to learn—Discuss the issue with the child and agree on what skill he will start learning. 3 Exploring the benefits of the skill—Help the child become aware of the advantages of having the skill. 4 Naming the skill—Let the child give the skill a name. 5 Choosing a power creature—Let the child choose an animal, or some other character, to help her learn the skill. 6 Gathering supporters—Let the child invite a number of people to become his supporters. 7 Building confidence—Help the child build confidence in her ability to learn the skill. 8 Planning the celebration—Plan with the child, ahead of time, how to celebrate when the skill has been acquired. 9 Defining the skill—Ask the child to tell you, and to act out for you, how she will behave when she has acquired the skill. 10 Going public—Inform people what skill the child is learning.

Supporting All Students through Challenges 129 11 Practicing the skill—Agree with the child about how she will practice the skill. 12 Creating reminders—Let the child tell you how he wants others to react if he forgets the skill. 13 Celebrating success—When the child has acquired the skill, it is time to celebrate and to give her an opportunity to acknowledge all those who helped her learn it. 14 Passing the skill on to others—Encourage the child to teach the new skill to another child. 15 Moving on to the next skill—Find agreement with the child about the next skill to learn. In addition to the 15 steps, Furman designed a fun, interactive game, Bam, the Wizard, in which a child and an adult sit together and review the skill development. Find the game here: http://www.kidsskills.org/bam/english/index.htm During the game, the child is asked a variety of questions, including these: • • • • • • • •

How old are you? What are some things that you are good at? Would you like to change a bad habit? Tell how the bad habit hurts you. Tell who you would like to have as a support team. What would you like to name the new solution? How can you get started practicing? What would you like your support team to remind you about if you forget to practice?

The child and adult complete the game together, and after the child has learned the skill, Bam, the Wizard types out a certificate with the child’s name on it that can be printed. The Wizard also writes a letter to the people whom the child chooses as a support team, so that they know their part in the program. The game is a great training tool for school counselors to teach themselves the process of choosing new skills for children and to implement as classroom guidance lessons. It is also a great tool for parent training and use at home.

From Trauma to a Preferred Future Many schools discourage school counselors from working with students who have been traumatized since it may take a lot of time using traditional models of counseling. However, if a student is not receiving outside therapy, the chances of the student being academically successful decreases. The emotional toll is simply too much to put aside on their own. In these cases, the school counselor can provide tremendous support. This section provides a unique way for school counselors to approach students who have experienced events such as abandonment, physical abuse, loss or sexual abuse. It gives children an opportunity to express the feelings that bother them without infringing on their privacy. It also helps the student to construct strategies that help them manage the events rather than the events managing them. For the school, this approach is invaluable for supporting students who otherwise may not have any support at all. The next case is an illustration of how helpful school counseling guidance lessons can be in raising awareness about sexual abuse.

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Leanne, age 13, came to counseling with her mother after confiding in her mother that her cousin had sexually abused her several times when she was nine years old … The previous week at her middle school, a school counselor gave a guidance lesson on sexual abuse. The counselor described situations, possible signs and actions that adults or even people close in age to the students might partake in that were inappropriate and wrong. Leanne told me that sitting in the classroom that day, she seemed to go back in time and experience again, what she did at age nine. She realized then that what had happened to her was sexual abuse. She left the class in tears, told the school counselor what she remembered and the school counselor called Leanne’s mother, who came to school immediately. Her mother called me for an appointment. When Leanne came to the first session, she was emotionally drained and kept a blanket on her lap, holding it close throughout our session. She had spoken to the police over the weekend and her cousin had been arrested. I learned that Leanne’s mom had believed her daughter immediately when Leanne told her about the abuse and offered her support in any way possible. While I did not ask about details, I did listen to the basic information that Leanne’s mother provided and then asked both mom and Leanne what their best hopes were. Leanne said she wanted help in dealing with the situation. She wanted peace. Her mother said she wanted her daughter to be able to cope with whatever came next in regard to the arrest, possible conversations with prosecutors, etc. After a few minutes of dialogue, Leanne asked to talk to me alone. When clients come to therapy with such trauma, it has been my experience as a solutionfocused narrative therapist, that seeking and listening to my client’s direction is the most important thing I can do as a therapist. To this day, I do not know what Leanne’s cousin physically did to her, nor did I ever ask. I was more interested in what Leanne needed than what I thought she should do. Yvonne Dolan, author of Resolving Sexual Abuse (1991) talks about alternative therapies for sexual abuse resolution below: “Having a victim of sexual abuse tell and retell the tale of her victimization for the sole therapeutic purpose of desensitization is like removing a bullet slowly and painfully, one tiny millimeter of metal at a time, reopening the wound each time. This form of desensitization is not always dependable; even in the cases where it does succeed over time, it is often an inefficient and unnecessarily painful method of treatment that prolongs the client’s suffering and revictimizes her over and over again.” (Dolan, 1991, p. 29) Therefore, instead of inquiring about the abuse, I followed Leanne’s lead by asking and then listening to her best hopes, which were to get help dealing with the situation at hand. Needing a more specific goal to be the most helpful, I asked Leanne what that might look like in the near future when she was dealing with the situation and achieving peace. Leanne clarified that she would be able to get back to doing what she had been doing before she recalled everything so clearly. She was not sleeping well and when she did sleep, she had nightmares about the event. She was isolating in her room and not associating with friends at school. At that point, I began a conversation using the ideas that follow, which combine solution-focused therapy and narrative therapy together, creating a story structure.

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Composing a New Chapter after Trauma 1

Listen to the story, if the client insists. Do not ask about events as it could be traumatizing. Make sure the abuse is no longer occurring. Acknowledge survivorship. It is important in this step to not suggest victimhood. Instead, ask the client what her best hopes are. While the client has been harmed, suggesting survivorship over victimhood increases hope and validates that the client indeed did survive the abuse and is a powerful redescription. 2 Draw a timeline for the client, gathering vital information in the process. If possible, use a large piece of paper, or, draw on a white board and take a photo of the diagram when finished and give it to the client. On the left end of the timeline, write the birthday of the client. At the right end of the timeline, write down the typical age that people in the client’s family live to be their longevity. Place a mark on the timeline when the incident occurred. Ask the client what he/she wants to call the incident. Write the client’s name for the trauma above the mark. ____________________x________________________________________________ Birth Incident Life Span 1

2

3

4

Ask how the incident has kept or is keeping her from living his/her life. Ask how the incident has trapped her. Write down her answers under the “incident.” Gather as many effects of the problem as possible. This is a crucial part of the exercise, as it enables the client to vent about the abuse and, map the effects of the problem on her life. Get at least 20 effects. Ask the client to scale how big the problem has been, on a scale of 1–10, with 10 being the biggest. Subtract the client’s current age from the number at the right of the timeline. Suggest that she/he has_____years to keep stepping away from the story, writing a preferred future. Moving forward on the timeline, ask the client to describe her preferred future, the way she wants things to be as she begins to step out of the incident into a new chapter or story. Ask her to describe what others will see her doing that will tell them she is the author of the new chapter. Write the client’s descriptions of her preferred future down under the timeline on the right side, past the situation mark. In this part of the exercise, gather as many descriptions of the new actions as possible. Ask her to name the new chapter and write it above the area with the descriptions. Read back the descriptions of the effects of the incident, slowly and clearly to the client. Then suggest, “As you think of the effects of ‘the incident’ that I just read and begin stepping out of the story that was written for you, here are the things you said you wanted to achieve in the new chapter.” Then, read the descriptions of the preferred future, slowly. Make a copy of the timeline and give it to the client. This last step has two options: a) Ask the client for very small actions that she can begin doing to move down the scale so that she is in charge, not the event. Ask what others will see her doing just over the next few days that will tell them too, that she is moving down the scale to be in charge and b) Present the timeline copy to the client and let her know that you look forward to hearing next time how she has begun to take small actions over the event. Give her full control over what to do with the timeline.

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As Leanne and I went through the steps above, I learned that her grandmother had lived until 90 years old, which gave Leanne 77 years to step out of the story of abuse into a new one. She told me approximately 25 effects of the abuse, which she named “sexual abuse,” because, in her words, “that’s what it was.” She scaled the effects of the abuse on her life at a nine. Some items on her list were: I I I I

don’t trust males. keep myself shut away from people. don’t do as well in school as I could. cut myself in the past when I thought about it.

As she composed her new chapter, she named it: “The Best Chapter of All,” and listed items such as: I I I I I

will meet someone I trust and get married won’t get pregnant in high school. may become a police officer. will spend more time with my family. will sleep very well each night.

I gave Leanne a copy of the timeline and told her that I was impressed with her descriptions of the “Best Chapter of All.” I told her I looked forward to hearing how she stood up to the “sexual abuse” effects over the next week. When Leanne’s mother came into the session, the first words from Leanne to her mother were. “Mom, I have 77 years,” with a smile. Mom did not understand what Leanne was referring to so with Leanne’s permission, I explained the timeline. When Leanne returned the following week, she was back in school and when I asked, “What’s better?” she reported that she had been sleeping each night since our session. I asked her where she was on the scale and she said a “five.” I asked her mother what she had noticed about Leanne and she said that Leanne had been spending more time with her family, getting caught up on school and doing a few activities with her friends. I saw Leanne two more times for this issue, each time, beginning the session with “What’s better?” Eventually, at the end of the fourth session she said, “I’m good.” Leanne’s story is unfortunately not unusual for someone who had been coerced into sexual abuse. Fortunately, the solution-focused approach was protective, in that she did not have to tell me details to feel better. Instead, we saw the trauma as the problem and her as someone who could triumph over it. That, in itself, provides a way for school clients too, to see the stories that are behind them as past and chapters in front of them as opportunities for healing.

The Sun and the Clouds The following case illustrates a solution-focused approach for working with students who have faced sexual abuse or other kinds of trauma. Annie, age ten, was brought to counseling by her father and stepmother who, only a week before, had found Annie and her brother, age 14, engaged in a sexual situation. The parents immediately called Child Protective Services and the brother was removed from the home. Child Protective Services mandated counseling for Annie and placed her brother in a first offenders’ program 50 miles away, where he was to live with his uncle. Annie was quiet and reserved when we first met. Her parents accompanied her, and I invited them into the session so that she would know that I was a safe person to talk to.

Supporting All Students through Challenges 133 things with her and with Jim. A true survivor, Annie talked about how much better she felt now that “the secret was out.” Like many other sexual abuse survivors, she loved her brother and missed him. She did not, however, miss the activities. The stepmother revealed that since finding out that the abuse had been going on, Annie seemed more relaxed and was even sleeping better. “She doesn’t curl up anymore. Instead, she sleeps with her arms and legs spread out.” This told me that Annie was feeling safe again. My job was to continue to enhance that safety, and I chose a visual activity during our second session that she enjoyed. Janet Roth, a talented social worker in Brisbane, Australia, has written of ways in which she uses the scaling question (Metcalf, 1998). She cuts out ten teardrops and asks children to tell her how sad they are because of an event, by counting out the number of teardrops that measure their sadness. Then together they discuss what it would take to reduce the number of teardrops, which would indicate that the sadness was lessening. Using ideas from Epston and White (1990) about externalizing the problem and mapping the effects of the problem, blaming “it” for robbing her of safety, I asked Annie what her days looked like when the secret was still happening. She said that it was like a cloudy day with no sun. So, I cut out ten clouds and a sun and asked her to arrange them on the floor with me so that I could understand what it was like for her when the secret dominated her days. She placed them as they appear in. I remarked to Annie how small the sun was and how big the clouds were. Then I told her how brave she had been during those secret days and how glad I was that the secret days were over forever. I reinforced it by saying that she never had to go back to those secret days because now she was safe. I asked her to tell me the supportive people in her life who were making sure that she was safe. She listed her parents, her caseworker, her group counselor, me and her best friend, Lisa. I asked her what they were doing that helped her to feel safe and she told me several things. I then asked her to begin thinking about how things will be from now on, since the secret days were over. I asked her if the clouds and sun would look different since things are now so different at home. She then rearranged the clouds, and when we looked at the sun, it still seemed too small. She said it should be bigger. I cut out a bigger sun, and the picture took on a dramatically different look, shown in. Together Annie and I talked about what she would be able to do more of now that the clouds were not covering the sun. She talked about being able to go wherever she wanted in her house without worrying that her brother would make her do things that she did not want to do. She talked about being able to tell her parents the truth more often. Apparently keeping one rather large secret had taken its toll on her truth telling, which her parents brought up later in future sessions. She admitted that she would miss her brother, whom she enjoyed playing video games with, but she would not miss feeling like she was “living a lie.”

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Annie and I worked together for about six months, and each week we used the sun and clouds as a way to scale her week. If she had a tough week, there were more clouds, and we talked about better weeks where there were fewer clouds. She blossomed into a young preadolescent girl who took pride in her appearance and made new friends at school. Her teachers noticed a remarkable difference in her personality. Her parents confided in her teachers that they had discovered some sexual abuse issues, and together, the school and parents provided Annie with safety and support. Annie terminated counseling with a positive self-esteem. I encouraged her parents to continue their support by letting her always know that they were there to keep her safe. Children and adolescents who experience traumatic, sad events such as sexual abuse often feel shameful about what has happened to them. Without help, they can begin living their story as a sexual abuse victim, and as they grow into adolescents, they may act out sexually toward others. Therefore, in the initial sessions, instead of talking details, I abide by what Yvonne Dolan (1991) said once in a workshop … that asking about the details is itself, more abuse. Instead, I prefer to draw pictures and use scaling techniques like the sun and clouds. As the children describe how they felt during the time the “secret” (or whatever they choose to call it) was occurring. I have noticed that young people feel more at ease with this technique, and together we accomplish helping them to see a future without uncomfortable feelings. They begin seeing the “secret” as something that they can indeed escape from in their mind, with the help of visuals. That escape is emotional freedom, which leads to a new story and a new chance at a happier life.

Tell Me a Story: Helping Students Cope In the same way that Annie experienced a new vision of her life where the sun was brighter and the clouds smaller, rewriting stories with children like Annie provides an opportunity for a child to take on a new meaning for their personhood, which results in new behaviors. Writing stories is something that a school counselor can certainly do, and the effects can be efficient and quick! The solution-focused model is quite helpful with any age of client and with young students, it is particularly helpful as they navigate what they want in their young lives. By giving them visuals such as fairy dust, wishes, stuffed animals and drawings, there is a good chance that students can convey exactly what those wishes would be like. That helps the process move quickly and efficiently. Another way of helping students to conceptualize their miracles is through story development. Berg and Steiner (2003) mention the case of 12-year-old Miguel and his younger brother who were adopted from Chile when Miguel was seven and his brother Pedro was five. His adoptive mother was very concerned and upset that Miguel would never allow her to touch him—because Miguel just did not trust her or had difficulty emotionally bonding with her—even after many years of being cared for and loved by his adoptive parents.

Supporting All Students through Challenges 135 “In the first meeting, I [Therese Steiner] learned that in Chile, Miguel had to watch his brother Pedro getting beaten up by his aunt and uncle to the point that he was hospitalized three times. Miguel’s answer to the miracle question was that he would become friendly with his mother, would play nicely with other children, and have friends of his very own [p. 87].” Steiner used the technique of storytelling to work with Miguel and related this story to them: “There were two sisters. One was two years younger than the other. Both were very pretty, with fair hair and blue eyes. They were brought up in a very hostile family and nobody really cared about them. One day, the younger of the two girls became very ill. She was so sick that she had to be brought to the hospital several times. There she was looked after very well, she got lots of toys to play with, people smiled at her, and she had enough to eat. Meanwhile, the older sister stayed home all on her own without her younger sister, she was not allowed to go visit her sister at the hospital and nobody would tell her about her sister in the hospital. She had no idea how her younger sister was doing, whether she was safe at the hospital, or was getting enough to eat. She was very lonely without her younger sister, very miserable and worried about her. In a way, the older sister had a harder time and was more miserable than the sister in the hospital. Nobody took any notice of the older sister because, everyone assumed, she had to be glad that she was not sick and in the hospital; everyone thought she should be happy because at least she was healthy.” Miguel listened painfully to the story and when he returned to the next visit, he shared more of his painful life with the therapist. Eventually, the therapist asked Miguel to finish the story that she had told him. He said it would end like this: “Somebody, some grown-up person, would spend an afternoon with me and take me fishing and listen to me; the grown-up person would talk, and we would have something to eat.” (Berg and Steiner, 2003, pp. 88–89) As the therapist began drawing pictures with Miguel going fishing with someone grownup, that grown-up turned out to be his adoptive mother. Together, composing wishes and goals, and sprinkling fairy dust throughout new stories is not only a chance to step out of a sad story but an opportunity to use imagination to seek resolution to very difficult situations, emotionally. Social emotional learning is about becoming a human who understands how to deal with a variety of situations. By creating new stories, children are awakened to how characters learn ways of dealing with a variety of situations. A Better Story template follows, to use with children in need of a new story. Once you compose it with the student, copy it and send with them. For children and adolescents who experience trauma, the following example, A Better Story, contains a template to use that can help the student process ways to step out of traumatic experiences. Through story development, the student can compose a story to visualize coming out of the trauma towards a better life and recognize what he/she will be doing to achieve that escape. It also includes a systemic view, in that it helps the student imagine how others will react to him/her as the process develops.

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A Better Story Once upon a time, there was a young person named ______. This story happened during (season, day, etc.). ______________was good at_______________ and________________. There were some people in ____’s life that did things that made him/her feel_____. When those things happened, _____did not know what to do. As a result, he/she did things like _____, and _____ sometimes felt____. One day, ____remembered something that used to help her/him to feel better. It was when he/she used to do the following: 1 2 3 ________remembered that whenever he/she did those things they felt a little better. Even though it was still hard to get over what other people had done ______noticed that when he/she did those things, everything was much better. That day __________decided to try out those ideas and share them with an adult that was trusted. It felt so good that soon, ____________________had much better days and began to do the following: 1 2 3 Soon, __________________’s friends noticed how much better ______________felt and they wanted to do more things with __________________. That made______________happier. The End.

Certifying Successes to Show Victory Over Problems After the stories are told and the monsters are fought, the use of a certificate brings smiles and a welcome documentation to success. For children who rarely get positive notes sent home from school, constructing such a document not only reinforces the child’s changed behavior, it also stimulates the child’s system to praise and brag. Epston and White (1990), developers of certificates for problem-defeating behaviors, have written, “We have found children taking fear-busting certificates to school and endeavoring to identify other children who either are in need of assistance or might already be members of the Fear Tamers and Monster Catchers Association” (p. 192). Documents such as certificates celebrate the new stories that children create in therapy. I have routinely used certificates to reinforce problem resolution and solution development. I have found it most helpful to design certificates with the children or adolescents so that they describe to me their own success. As we design the certificate, we reiterate what helped the success to happen, and once these new actions are on paper, they become permanent. The certificate is given to the student to take home and, with the student’s permission, the teacher gets a copy. The more certificates are distributed, the more the child’ s system can support her (see the example of the certificate of success shown here).

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Certificate of Success This certifies that: Elli has done an extraordinary job at defeating shyness. She has done so by learning new skills such as: 1 2 3

Asking her fellow students to play with her, one at a time. Watching for signs that other students like her company. Playing politely alongside other students. Elli has done a great job. School Counselor ____________________ Elli Smith ____________________

Summary By keeping the solution-focused mindset and seeing past the problems and problematic situations that students bring to you, you will be able to ask the questions such as “What are your best hopes?” and get traction toward a solution. There will always be students who do not know the answer, due to frustration, trauma or other emotional barriers. But that’s okay. When you hear “I don’t know,” that is when you can insert the miracle question and wonder alongside the student what a better day might look like. There is no need to insert what YOU think would be better because your vision is not the same as the student’s vision. It is essential, especially in tough situations, that you absolutely let the student guide you. If the student cannot respond when you first meet with them, let them know that it’s fine and that you just want them to think about it for the day. Then, find them the next day and start again. There will also be times when a student is in a dangerous situation that we need to just support the student, teacher or parent with appropriate resources. Yet, even after you do the responsible tasks, take time to be curious about the young person, teacher or parent, who is experiencing situations that you cannot imagine yourself going through. Learn how they are currently coping. Then, learn about their wish for the future, what that wish would look like and how you can help. Practice believing that inside each of your students, teachers and parents is a competent human being, no matter how they present to you. If they made it to school and to your office to talk with you, they are motivated. They are sitting in front of you with limited answers at the moment, but with the right composure from you, that may change.

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Solution-Focused Training Exercise: Chapter Six Our lives are stories. The characters and events that are part of our lives influence who we are and who we aspire to be. Perhaps in your life you have some characters and even events that enhance your life and others that keep you from being the person you want to be... for now. But what if you had the chance to write Chapter Two of your own story? Who would you include or exclude, and how would those changes make a difference for you? What else would you include in Chapter Two? Maybe traveling, reading more, becoming a dancer, learning karate, gardening more or being with your children or partner more often? On the lines below, write down some ideas for your Chapter Two. And along with the new adventures that you include in your Chapter Two, list the beliefs about yourself that are necessary to begin carrying out the new chapter. After all of that, think of times when you had those beliefs. Focus on how you held on to them. Think of how you can reclaim them today. _____________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________

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References Bam, the wizard. Retrieved from http://www.kidsskills.org/bam/english/index.htm. Berg, I. & Dolan, Y. (2001). Tales of solutions: a collection of hope-inspiring stories. Brunswick, ME: Frenchboro Books. Berg, I. & Steiner, T. (2003). Children’s solution work. New York: Norton. Dolan, Y. (1991). Resolving sexual abuse. New York: Norton. Epston, D, & White, M (1990). Narrative means to therapeutic ends. New York: Norton. Federal Data Summary School Years 2014–15 to 2017–17. Education for homeless children and youth, National Center for Homeless Education. Retrieved from https://nche.ed.gov/wp-content/ uploads/2019/02/Federal-Data-Summary-SY-14.15-to-16.17-Final-Published-2.12.19.pdf. Franklin, C. (2018). Solution focused brief therapy in alternative schools: ensuring student success and preventing dropout (p. 36). New York: Taylor and Francis. Kindle Edition. Furman, B. (2004). Kids’ skills. Australia: St. Luke’s Innovative Resources. Retrieved from http:// www.kidsskills.org/bam/english/index.htm Kahn, E., Johnson, A. Lee, M., & Miranda, L. (2018). 2018 LGBTQ Youth Report. Human Rights Campaign. LGBTQ (2018). Youth report. Retrieved from https://www.hrc.org/resources/2018-lgbtq-youth-report?utm_ source=GS&utm_medium=AD&utm_campaign=BPI-HRC-Grant&utm_content=456246405331&utm_ term=lgbt%20youth%20issues&gclid=CjwKCAjwq_D7BRADEiwAVMDdHqWvNEB-kTFNZjuUzG3bsonA7n8On_zA9HykAGpm7VJd9H8cuRPDxoCsWsQAvD_BwE. LGBTQ (2017). Teen survey. Retrieved from https://assets2.hrc.org/files/assets/resources/2018YouthReport-NoVid.pdf. Metcalf, L. (1998). Solution focused group therapy. New York: Free Press. Ouer, R. (2015). Solution focused brief therapy with the LGBT community. New York: Routledge. Webb, L. (2019). Personal communication.

7

Grit, Growth Mindset and College Readiness

Chris, age ten, was sent to the counselor by his teacher when she grew tired of his tendency not to complete homework. She knew that Chris was bright and that his mother worked two jobs, so she wanted to make sure she gained the mother’s atten­ tion. She wrote the following note to Chris’s mother and gave it to Chris. Once he read it, he burst into tears and told his teacher that if he took the note home he would be beaten. Dear Ms. Browne, Chris is in danger of failing the semester because he is not doing his assignments. Please make sure that he begins completing his homework on a regular basis. Call me if you have questions. Ms. Jones This was a typical note that teachers sometimes write. Unsure whether Chris was telling the truth about being beaten, she sent him to me, his school counselor. When situations like this one happen, I am always curious as to how else a problem can be handled. I began thinking about the purpose of the note: to get Chris to do home­ work. Since I was also concerned about possible beatings, I spoke with Chris about finding a different way to approach the dilemma, one that he would agree to. I was searching for a way to cooperate with both Ms. Jones’ concerns and Chris’s, so I asked him: “I wonder what Ms. Jones would need to see you do this afternoon in order for her to decide not to send this note home today?” Chris immediately sat up and told me the following ideas: • • • • • •

complete all homework pay attention in the afternoon don’t start any fights help my teacher listen to instructions participate in discussions.

I turned to Chris and told him he was brilliant because the tasks he described were exactly what a teacher would want a student to do. When I asked him if we should call it “A Good Day,” and he said, “No, call it Chris’s Successful Day.”

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Chris’s Successful Day Complete all homework. Pay attention in the morning. Pay attention in the afternoon. Don’t start any fights. Help my teacher. Listen to instructions. ____________________ School Counselor ____________________ Student

Chris and I walked back to the classroom where we showed Ms. Jones the form that we had constructed. While at first reluctant, she eventually agreed to try the contract. That afternoon, Chris checked off all the tasks that applied to him on the contract, signed it and asked Ms. Jones to sign it. Ms. Jones then walked with Chris to the front of the school after school where he got picked up. His mother, obviously tainted by previous “bad notes,” frowned as he walked up to the car with his teacher, but quickly smiled as she read the contract. I was glad that we constructed the contract and decided to not send the note home. A day later I learned that Chris’s mother had been reported for child abuse several times in the past. While I am confident that Chris’s teacher wanted him to be successful, her strategy did little to motivate him. Instead, her threat to send home a note that could have made things worse for Chris, made him fearful and less likely to be able to concentrate and do his work. It is my belief that the solution-focused approach is the approach to use in our schools today to encourage and expedite growing grit in our students. This chapter will attempt to provide you with some specifics to growing that grit. I encourage you to simply experiment with the ideas in this chapter and see how they might work for your students. To build on the possibilities that lie ahead for you as you experiment, I will begin by briefly sharing some ideas for growing grit by citing some current re­ search on grit and resilience, and adding my comments on how the solution-focused approach fits.

Grit Comes from Exceptions Imagine for a moment, that a student who is struggling comes to see you and feels hope­ less. As you conduct a solution-focused conversation, you listen closely for compe­ tencies and hear something from that student that intrigues you: Perhaps the student is late to class but tells you he has been working until midnight for the past six months at a job to help his family. That means he must make it to work on time and is responsible. Maybe you are seeing an elementary student who, in spite of being consistently impulsive, is always helpful to a classmate in a wheelchair, helping her to get from class to class.

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Applications of the Approach Or, maybe it is the student in middle school who, in spite of being disrespectful to most of his teachers, is always respectful to you.

The “exceptions” in these cases or times when the student shows resiliency and grit deserve the questions: “How is it that you have kept the job for six months and yet still get to school, slightly on time? How do you do that? I wonder how you might use this ability to get to class slightly more on time?” “How is it that you manage to always know when Tiffany needs your help to get from class to class? It’s amazing how focused you are on helping her. I wonder what might happen someday when you focus slightly more in class?” “You know you are so respectful to me? What does that say about you? I wonder what your teachers might do someday when you show them that side of you?” These questions are grit growing questions. The questions imply that the student not only has ability to show competence but is conscientious, a key ingredient, according to de­ veloping grit. While many students come to school with grit and resilience as their mindset, others do not. What makes a person either resilient or gritty? Seligman (Bashant, 2014, p. 14) has an idea about how that happens. “Resilience … is related to grit because part of what it means to be gritty is to be resilient when challenges present themselves. There are many other traits one must possess in order to be gritty, which include conscientiousness, selfdiscipline and perseverance. Having grit means that you choose to invest time and energy in a particular endeavor and give up many other things in order to pursue this passion. Gritty people have deep commit­ ments to which they remain loyal for many years.” The majority of the stories in this book are com­ posed of students of all ages, who seemed to show or grow grit during times that were challenging. Before they had a solution-focused conversation, they might have been quite doubtful about how they would progress during a challenging time. While most students presented with problematic situations that they wanted help with, the solutionfocused approach helped them see that: • • •

they were already coping they already had the ability to find a way out of the problem they were competent.

By discovering that they had abilities already, they pushed forward and developed their own solutions. It was not praise that got them there, it was curiosity that evoked grit growing questions from the educator, or solution-focused questions. As a result, once the

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students identified what they wanted differently for themselves they looked deeper into their resume of successful times and they were off. The educator’s job was to create a context within the conversation that conveyed that the student could find a way to succeed.

Steps to Growing Grit with a Solution-Focused Approach 1

Let the student be the expert. Do you want your students to become responsible, independent and confident? Do you want them to figure out how to keep their grades up and behave according to school policy? Do you want them to deal effectively with the bully in the cafeteria or the group of mean girls who start rumors? How about finishing their college applications on time and getting their last assignment done for the IB program? To help them grow grit and achieve these attributes, do less and don’t praise. Don’t send reminders. Forget repeated announcements or text messages. And, above all, forget praise! Read what Dweck says about praise: According to Carol Dweck in Mindset: The New Psychology of Success, “After seven experiments with hundreds of children, we had some of the clearest findings I’ve ever seen. Praising children’s intelligence harms their motivation and it harms their performance. Children love praise, and especially for their intelligence and talent. It really does give them a boost, a special glow—but only for that moment. The minute they hit a snag, their confidence goes out the window and their motivation hits rock bottom. If success means they are smart, then failure means they are dumb. That’s the fixed mindset.” (Bashant, 2014, Journal for Leadership and Instruction) So, instead of praise, imagine a teacher who takes a curious approach and sees a student with problematic behavior do something different one afternoon. The teacher walks up to the student and says something like: “Wow, Rachel, you have gotten the first math problem done and I am quite impressed. How are you managing to do this so far? Think you can do another two by the time I check again?” And the teacher checks again to get some momentum going. When Rachel, who is not used to such an observation, hears the surprise comment, she is likely to wonder what the teacher is up to and continue. She has not been reinforced … she has received something much more … an observation that perhaps she too, can be successful like her classmates. What does a response like this convey? Possibilities. A new story line in her chapter book that’s different from the last one. Imagine what might happen when the teacher greets Rachel the next day with: “You know, you did such an amazing job working on your math problems yesterday that when you do it again this afternoon, I would like to send a note home to your mom, letting her know what I saw you do today. Would that be okay with you?”

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Imagine too, that Rachel does continue that afternoon and as a result, takes a note home to her mom. How might such a note to her mom result in Rachel’s evening being different? And as a result of that, how might Rachel be even more different the next day? The systemic view shared throughout this book suggests that such actions will indeed have a chain reaction that is positive. 2

Grow grit by asking how the school client has coped so far. After a few decades of believing that we can simply reinforce good behavior in all students by praise, we are now discovering that, as Dweck mentions earlier, it only lasts for the moment. Some students don’t even need praise. They are already prone to be gritty and simply push forward on their own. The other students who don’t usually get praise due to their lack of focus and work ethic, don’t get praised anyway. Those are the students that have always intrigued me! I see them as left out of a context that could encourage potential. If they are praised just once by an enthusiastic teacher, they may get moving, but that becomes so expected that when they don’t get praise, they give up. And, let’s face it, a teacher gets busy. To be able to concentrate on teaching a lesson and then reinforcing every student in a class takes that of a magician. There is a difference, therefore, in praising and being curious. It is the later that is longer lasting. So, start noticing when students are slightly successful or don’t show up in your office the next day. Go find them and ask them “How are you doing that?” with the curiosity of the television show character, Columbo. Scratch your head, walk off mumbling about their brilliance. Send a note home to their parents commending them on having such a remarkable child or adolescent. You will be planting grit and it will grow.

3

Use pre-suppositional language. Did you notice that there was something different too, about how the teacher challenged Rachel to continuing? Notice the use of the words “when you do it again,” instead of “if you do it again.” This is referred to as pre-suppositional language, which infers that a person will do something different. Therefore, throughout this book, you will notice questions constructed in that way, where it is suggested that change will occur in the future. This slight, but extremely important way of constructing observations and questions eliminates a yes or no answer and simply puts the suggestion out there for a student to imagine a new behavior. Doing something different, as this section explains, can result in a new response and classroom atmosphere. The following section offers more of a dramatically new way of cultivating such competencies in a context of curiosity.

4

Be curious about small successes and amplify them. Insoo Kim Berg and Lee Schiltz created a program (2005) in Classroom Solutions: WOWW approach, which stands for Working On What Works. They did so with a belief that when teachers watch for behaviors that indicate com­ petencies and conscientiousness, and then relay their discoveries to their students, they create a very different classroom environment. Below is an excerpt, slightly edited for brevity, from an

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article by Trepper and Dolan (2017). The article describes a WOWW coach who visits a classroom on occasion. However, any teacher or school counselor can use the ideas in any classroom on any given day! This is especially helpful for a school counselor who is consulted by a teacher dealing with disruptive students or a chaotic classroom. This process progresses essentially as follows: 1

2

3

The coach, after introducing herself, tells the students that she is there to observe the things the class does that are good and helpful. She then has some observation sessions, noting what individual students and the class as a whole are doing well, and then reporting these back to the students, e.g. “Today I noticed that several of you did a good job of continuing to focus on your assignment even though there was a lot of noise going on in the hallway outside the classroom. I was very impressed! I also noticed people helping each other, passing out the assignment sheets, taking turns using the art supplies. This shows that you are doing a good job of paying attention to the teacher and also that you were paying attention to each other in a very cooperative way.” The coach, with the students, provides a 1–10-point scale … with 10 symbolizing the best and 0 the opposite. The students are invited to describe what the best classroom … would look like, what a 5 would like, etc. Following this, the coach asks the students to pick a number on the scale based on how things are going in their classroom today, “What number on the scale would you give your classroom today?” The students are also invited to describe their rationale, e.g., “What do you see happening in class today that makes you give it that number?” Additionally, the coach might ask “What would help keep the number at that point, what could have made it go down, and what will make it go up higher?” In subsequent sessions, the coach repeats these steps. She continues to observe the class, compliments the students and teacher, whenever possible referring to specific things the students are doing that are going well, asks the students to identify where they think their class is currently on the scale now and invites the students to describe what needs to happen for the class to move up a little bit on the scale. Meanwhile, following each classroom coaching session, the coach also meets privately with the teacher to do a similar goal setting, scaling, give positive feedback on what the teacher is doing that is working, and complimenting.

Initial studies have found that students in WOWW classes had improved student‒teacher relationships, the teachers and students had more collaborative classroom environments, had fewer absences and tardiness and showed a trend toward higher grades and fewer suspensions (Trepper and Dolan, 2017). As a school counselor, you can assist teachers by being the coach initially and then handing over the process to the teacher. Many teachers in K‒12 classes take on the WOWW program simply by putting the scale on a white board in the classroom and initially asking the students to describe a 10 classroom. Once done, the teacher asks the students what would be helpful to them with a higher score. I think it is very helpful when the teacher also states what would be helpful to him/her with a higher score. If the students get off track, the teacher merely stops the class and refers to the scale, asking students to describe where they are and what it would take to get back on track. This is slightly reminiscent of the Restorative Practice approach, which involves a community approach to classroom man­ agement. When the students have some say in how they should be constructing the classroom environment, they are more likely to be involved in its creation.

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Growing a Mindset Children who have more of a growth mindset tend to be grittier. According to Duckworth et al. (2012) there are five factors that compose grit and resiliency: “These five factors are conscientiousness, agreeableness, extra­ version, emotional stability and openness to new experiences. Relative to the other big five traits, conscientiousness is the most reliable predictor of academic course grades, physical health, longevity, job performance and marital stability.” I certainly respect Carol Dweck’s work, but to build on the solution-focused approach I propose that instead of telling stu­ dents that practice is not easy, which promotes the teacher as an expert in the student’s ability, I prefer the teacher saying: “This is a challenging project. I would like us to brainstorm an idea as we approach it together.” “Suppose as you start this project, you are at your very, very best.” “What might you notice yourself doing that would tell us all that you were your very, very best?” “What do you think I would notice?” “What would your group members notice?” “What else?” X10 This line of questioning cultivates what the students think would make them successful and provides directions and solutions. When the teacher continues to ask, “What else?” there is a chance that the students may not answer easily after the fourth or fifth time. That’s fine! But the teacher should continue to ask the question. The result of asking the question at least ten times is typically a list that involves deeper thinking and some intrinsic thinking and actions. What is crucial, is that the teacher NOT suggest what they will be doing. That makes the teacher the expert and robs the students of competency and a growth mindset. The following case illustrates how a school counselor helped a student to overcome a need for approval and learn on her own how to manage a tough situation.

A Free Pass to Resolution Land Trigg Even is a licensed professional counselor and was once an interventionist at a high school where he used a solution-focused approach to work with students who presented with issues of cutting, substance abuse, violence and disrespect. He worked with a 15-year-old student who had developed a pattern of intense emotional reactions to various crises and was referred to him for counseling. Several times per day, the student would leave class upset and ask to go to the high school counseling center requesting assistance. The problem, according to the teachers, was that this student was failing to complete class work and was simply seeking attention. Furthermore, if the student remained in class, she had a tendency to dominate the

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class discussion with lengthy and emotional narratives of her various personal and family problems. When interviewed, the student said that she was having serious personal and family concerns to which no one would pay attention or offer support. She expressed feeling isolated, invalidated and frustrated. It was clearly important to the student that she be heard and it was equally important to her teachers that she remain in class, able to learn. The following question was asked of both student and teachers, and served the function of meeting each party’s needs: “What if she were able to express her feelings by telling her story and maintaining her schoolwork?” When both parties were on board, “Cooperation with the problem” resulted in the counselor giving the student a “free pass” to the counseling center once her work in class was completed. Upon entering the counseling center, she would be provided a notebook in which she was instructed to write about her crisis. She then handed the notebook to the counselor and returned to class. The counselor read it and, if necessary, followed-up. By cooperating with the problem, both the student and teacher benefitted and there was a better chance that both parties would cooperate, which they did. The solution-focused approach attempts to help the student become more in­ dependent and less dependent on teachers and school counselors, and when that is achieved, the student develops grit. Part of helping students have grit can be compli­ cated at times, especially when a student does not believe in herself enough to manage situations. Sometimes, well-meaning educators simply decide that students need more attention and time from them than they can muster. While that is certainly under­ standable, it often leaves a student who is not aware of their competency at a loss. And, as a result, the student perseveres to get support from a system that tries to simply tell her that she is managing her life wrong. What seems more helpful is to see problematic behavior as a student’s manifestation of a way to cope. Whether it is cutting, drinking, taking drugs or texting inappropriate messages, such behaviors are coping mechanisms that students turn to when at a loss of what else to do. While dangerous and proble­ matic, the likelihood of not having access to healthier solutions will lead to a sort of “resistant” attitude.

Where in the World Is Julio? Linda Fielding was an intervention specialist in Fort Worth, Texas, and she relayed to me a story that not only had her excited but had a teacher wondering out loud, “What on earth have you done with Julio, and where has the old Julio gone?” Her story follows. “One of the programs that my school district has put into place is a student service team. This team is designed to counsel with students who are at risk for failing for any number of reasons. One of my assignments was to work with Julio, a middle school student. Julio had received about 25 infractions since the beginning of school and, characteristically, students who have such a history are often a challenge. I was constantly told: ‘You need to see Julio again; he’s still late to my class.’ Imagine my surprise, then, when one of Julio’s teachers stopped me in the hallway one day and asked what I had been telling

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Applications of the Approach Julio. The teacher said Julio’s behavior had changed dramatically. In fact, he said Julio was now ‘perfect’ in class.” “Just before I received Julio as an assignment, I had been reading a book about narrative counseling. Excited about a fresh approach to counseling with students, I decided to make Julio my first attempt. After researching the reasons he was referred to the student service team, I called Julio into my office, where we spent some time getting to know each other. I asked Julio what was causing him problems at school, at home, and with his friends. He said that he had no problems with his friends, but the problems at home usually happened when he got in trouble at school for things like talking, being late to class, and not doing his work. I explained to Julio that we all have problems and that what we have to do is learn how to fix the problems. I asked him how he thought these problems affected his reputation with his teachers. He said his teachers saw him as a troublemaker. I asked him if he would like to change the ‘troublemaker reputation.’ He said that he would.” “I then asked Julio which classes he felt successful in. He said he was successful in English class. We discussed specific things that he did in his English class that brought him success. He replied that he sat at the front of the class, which helped him to pay better attention. He said he didn’t sit around any of his friends, and that helped him to concentrate and to get his work done. I asked how he could take these successes and apply them to the classes in which he had problems. He said he could ask to be moved to the front of the class or away from his friends. I asked him what he could do to get to class on time. He replied he would ‘just get to class on time.’ I told him these were big changes and a great beginning to fixing his ‘troublemaker’ reputation. I asked him if he thought he could really ‘fix’ these problems. He said that he could.”

I was so proud of Julio for beginning to address the problems he was having at school that I asked for his approval to write his parents the following note. To the parents of Julio: I am so proud of Julio! He wants to fix the problems that are causing him trouble at school. Julio is a very determined young man and has set several goals for himself. He has decided to get to class on time, pay attention in class, and do his work. Julio wants to be a positive role model in the classroom, and these changes will help him to do just that! I am convinced that Julio is committed to achieving his goals. Linda Fielding Two weeks later, I had another conversation with Julio’s teacher about his improvement in his performance. I explained to him that I was using a new technique with Julio and asked if he would reinforce the change in behavior by complimenting Julio on the changes that he had noticed. The teacher seemed delighted to do so. After the conversation with Julio’s teacher, I wrote the following note to Julio and his parents: To Julio and his parents: Today, I had a conversation with [his teacher]. He was excited about the positive changes Julio has made in class. [His teacher] said Julio was now one of his best students and is a role model for others. He said Julio was turning in his work and paying attention in class. It’s important that you know that I did not seek out the teacher and ask about Julio. The teacher found me in the hallway and began bragging about Julio. It’s wonderful to know

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that Julio has earned [his teacher’s] respect. I am so proud of Julio and his smart decisions. I know that you are too. Linda Fielding, Crisis Intervention Specialist

A Solution-Focused Approach to College Readiness I would like to suggest that getting students ready for college should begin in kindergarten. College readiness, simplified, refers to a student’s knowledge, behaviors and skills that will make him successful in a higher education setting. The knowledge often refers to the Common Core subjects plus a variety of intense learning experiences leading to mastery. The behavior refers to a mindset that can strive and thrive in a variety of situations and a self-knowledge of how a student learns best. The skills are those of knowing how to deal with a variety of academics such as scientific skills, critical thinking and an ability to selfmanage. These key components are typically involved in all grade levels. We want our students to have knowledge about subjects, be able to imply from their knowledge, how to apply concepts to higher thinking and do all of this with confidence and curiosity. It starts in kindergarten. That means that while the teacher provides information and constructs lessons that provide knowledge, practice and competence, it is the student who pushes himself to achieve. The question becomes, then, “How do we manage what we do so that a student is conscientious and desires to achieve?” It’s in the approach. Here’s how a solution-focused approach might assist students to recognize how they master tasks: 1

Notice times when students are competent in certain tasks and ask with curiosity how they manage those tasks. Ask them repeatedly: “What else did you do to accomplish this? What did you think about? What did you believe about yourself?”

2

Inquire, when a student is stuck and not performing, of how the student has overcome other tasks that were similar rather than reminding them what to do next. If the student cannot recall, let them know you will return again and ask again because you know they are capable. “So, last week you did a terrific job on the biology quiz. I wonder what you did that made such a difference?”

3

Compliment a student on their diligence and exclaim your puzzlement at their ability to perform so well. Ask for their advice for other students who struggle! “Wow. You went beyond on that vocabulary project. Any ideas you can share with me for other students?”

4

Give leadership opportunities for further advancement and expertise building. Ask for help with a task or make a student a mentor for another student who is struggling.

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Applications of the Approach “I could use your talent on this advertisement for the play next week. Could you show me what you can do with this title?”

5

Send a note home, commending the family or parent on their child’s/adolescent’s abilities. “Mr. Smith, I am honored to work with your daughter. She is such a bright student and so kind to others. I wanted you to know what a delight she is in my class.”

6

When a student feels defeated, together think about how they have come back from other defeated experiences and done well. “This seems really tough for you. What are your ideas for getting through this? If tomorrow comes and you are getting through it, what might others see you do? How have you gotten through other tough times before?”

The solution-focused approach to college readiness is about putting the student in the driver’s seat. When the student is able to navigate a variety of subjects in high school and skills for thinking through tough projects, he develops the mindset on how to get through troubled situations. The mindset of the solution-focused school counselor is to provide the expectations that each of the students who want to go to college can get college ready. That is done by asking students for their strategies, watching as they test those strategies and coming back to discuss their success or struggles and learning from the experiences how to try again.

Let’s Talk about Scheduling Each school has its own protocol for scheduling classes. The solution-focused school counselor listens to students for exceptions that help to guarantee a successful school experience by asking questions like the following: “When you look at the list of required courses for your freshman year, which ones do you suggest taking this first semester? Second semester?” “When you think about participating in the marching band this fall and the rigorous schedule of practicing after school, what courses do you think you could handle?” “When you look over the courses that most colleges expect applicants to have, which ones do you think would work best for you during your junior year?” “What kind of teaching style fits the way that you learn best?” “What have you found works for you in regard to study habits?” “What do you need your teacher to know about you?” For a needy student, send an email to the teacher with this information. “When you think about college, what majors or careers interest you the most?” “When you think about working during high school, what kinds of jobs interest you?” These questions give you a chance to get to know your students better and give them a chance to identify their strengths, dreams and needs. Suddenly the courses that they take are those that they choose because they know what path they want to take. There is less complaining because they chose the classes, and when they are scheduled with the right teacher, you will have more time to counsel on personal issues.

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College Application, Anyone? When students in high school begin thinking about college applications, they are often at a loss unless an older sibling has already been through the process. I once had a senior student come into my office, sullen, with her SAT scores in hand. She said, “I don’t think I can go to college. I heard that your SATs should be higher, so I didn’t even complete the common application.” I looked at her scores, which were outstanding, and assured her that she was definitely on her way to college if she chose to do so, and together we called her mother who cried on the phone as her daughter told her the news. We then got online to apply before the deadline. Misinformation is rampant in high schools, so it is important that both high school and middle school counselors consider how to get the right information to each student on ev­ erything, from taking algebra in middle school to the usefulness of the PSAT and the im­ portance of AP classes. While this dispensing of information is very difficult in high schools where the senior class may top out at over a thousand students, giving each student in­ formation firsthand is a must. To accomplish this, consider in your high school how other information filters through to your students about various kinds of try-outs, meetings, sports events, musicals, tournaments and other events. Use whatever means there is to gain access to students so that, together, you can help them choose what they need to be successful. When it comes to helping students decide on how to apply to college, or which college to apply to, the following solutionfocused questions may provoke ideas for students to consider (Metcalf, 2007): • • • • • • • •

If you woke up tomorrow and it is five years in the future, what would you be doing after college graduation that would make you feel good about your accomplishment? When you think about your personality and traits, which seems to fit: a junior college near home or a four-year college away from home? When you think of your personality, what size of the college town or city would suit you best? For those who are taking the ACT or SAT: When you think how you have studied for class tests before, what did you do that worked? What has worked for you in the past when you had to plan on a future project? How have you organized yourself in other projects so that you could get the job done? How have you approached your parents on other decisions? How do you make your own decisions? Which ones have you made before that worked out well for you?

And for the parents who are trying to plan for their adolescent’s college future and just can’t seem to get them to apply on time or apply at all, the following questions may save the day: “Tell me what you have been doing for your daughter to help get her motivated to apply to each college that she is interested in. Which strategies worked?” If the answer is few or none, continue.

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Applications of the Approach “When you think about how you have been able to motivate your daughter about other situations before, what did you do then that worked even slightly? What would your daughter say worked?” “What would your son say would be the most helpful to him right now as he thinks about which college to apply to? What will you need to tell yourself so that you can begin doing some of that, just as an experiment, to see if it helps him to get started?”

There can be many thoughts and beliefs that keep adolescents and families stuck when it comes to this big decision. By helping them to identify how they have made decisions before, the path opens up as everyone learns their part in the journey.

Summary We typically go into education because we want to be helpful. We thrive on the moments when students learn and prove their competence. We do our best to provide knowledge and skill building ideas, and coach them into behaviors that are expected of them in our schools. At times, the requirements for us are overwhelming and sometimes we get burned out. So do our students. Imagine a school, then, where teachers and counselors still provide knowledge and skill building ideas, and coach students, but something is different … in the end, it is the student who drives the process because they become conscientious. After using the solutionfocused approach with students as a school counselor, a teacher in higher education, a director of a graduate counseling program and with our own children, I can attest to the challenge of sitting back and letting students drive the process. It can be maddening at first. After all, don’t we have the mastery? Sure, but in the end, our ways of mastering our art is unique and may not make sense to our students. When you do need to share a process that the students need to follow such as filling out an FAFSA or a college ap­ plication, share the expectations and then sit back. If there is a question about a part of the form, ask the student what they think they need to do. Be their coach but be the coach that coaches them on the path they want, not your path. That develops grit. Grit develops college readiness and all of it results in … a growth mindset

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Solution-Focused Training Exercise: Chapter Seven Think of a project or a situation in your professional or personal life where you felt very challenged and later succeeded. On a scale of 1–10 (10 being the highest) where were you when you first realized that you were challenged? What was the goal you were trying to reach? ____________________________________________________________ How did you manage to move up the scale and what did others see you do that told them you were moving up the scale? (Fill out ALL 10!) 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 What beliefs and values did you take with you on that journey and adhere to that helped you move forward? 1 2 3 4 5 In the end, where did you end up on that scale? What did you learn about yourself in this exercise? The same exercise can build grit within you and your students. Use this exercise when students seem confused on how to proceed. The answers are within them and discovering those answers on their own makes them grittier!

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References Bashant, J. (2014). Developing grit in our students: why grit is such a desirable trait, and practical strategies for teachers and schools. Journal for Leadership and Instruction, 13(2), 14–17. Berg, IS. & Shilts, L. (2005). Classroom solutions: WOWW approach. Milwaukee, WI: Brief Family Therapy Center. Duckworth, AL. Weir, D. Tsukayama, E. & Kwok, D. (2012). Who does well in life? Conscientious adults excel in both objective and subjective success. Frontiers in Psychology, 3(356), 1–8. Dweck, CS. (2006). Mindset: the new psychology of success. New York: Random House Publishing. Metcalf, L. (2007). How to say it to get into the college of your choice. New York: Prentice Hall Press. Trepper, T. & Dolan, Y. (2017). Solution focused inspirations for the educator. Westminster, MA: Institute for Solution focused Therapy.

8

Working with Teams and Families

If you were to stroll through the hallways of your school today, the chances are that you would see many children or adolescents who have come to school with the weight of family problems in their backpacks. Many of the behaviors that students bring with them to school are often family related. However, when teachers, staff and even school counselors are unaware of home issues, they often just see students as unmotivated, lazy, compulsive, belligerent or defiant. What if there was another explanation? What if that explanation revealed that the problems at home were directly influencing the student? And what if there was a way for the school counselor to help the student cope? Research has suggested that students react to changes and stress within their families and often act out or become emotional as a result. In fact, according to systems theory, those acting-out behaviors often serve a purpose: to distract parents from their issues. When I was working in a residential treatment center, I recall a ten-year-old boy who was placed there for having severe temper tantrums after his parents decided to divorce. He had been diagnosed as being oppositional and defiant. Later, when I was working with him, I asked him how the temper tantrums knew when to come along and bother him. He replied, “When my parents fight, I have a tantrum. Then they stop. It works.” Imagine, then, the well-intentioned school counselor who is working diligently to help that student give up the temper tantrums when the family system is working to defeat her efforts at home. By checking in with a family and inviting them to a family conversation at school at least once, the school counselor may make more of an impact than she realizes: A more productive distraction occurs, one that points out to the parents that family problems are affecting the student at school. The parents may learn from their child or adolescent, with the school counselor’s help, what is needed from them to keep their child on track at school. The parents may refocus on what their child or adolescent’s emotional needs are from them and even learn that yelling and name-calling hurt their children, causing them emotional pain that keeps them from focusing at school.

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Applications of the Approach

The bonus to this sort of conversation is that once families are involved, student success can skyrocket, which leaves the school counselor to attend to other issues. The family learns how each member can assist the student, systemically changing the interactions around school work. When I was working as a school counselor, I routinely invited families to campus to meet with me and their student. I rarely had to meet with them more than twice. This is because when the school counselor involves the family system, perceptions change, particularly using the solution-focused approach. A student who had formerly been perceived by his parents as a poor student might learn that he merely needed assistance at home with homework, or, fewer chores to do. His teacher says that when he is assisted slightly in class, he turns in his work correctly. These insightful conversations serve everyone well and allow the school counselor to be an important instrument of systemic change.

Helping Families Can Help Students Working with a family in the school setting brings many rewards to solution-focused school counselors: •

•

•

Family sessions will help the school counselor understand what it is like to live with the family and determine how the child or adolescent is supported, or not supported, at home. The setting also provides safe opportunities for the child or adolescent to talk about his concerns and needs. If, after interviewing the family, the school counselor learns that the family is not capable or responsive to what the child or adolescent needs, he or she will brainstorm with school staff who can begin meeting some of the needs. By observing family discussions, the school counselor has the opportunity to ask everyone involved if the strategies being used to address the issues are working to achieve the desired goal. If they reply no, the counselor then has a chance to gain their attention by suggesting that everyone talk about doing something in a different way. Asking the miracle question can accomplish that! Family involvement will give the school counselor a chance to plant new, encouraging ideas about the adolescent within the family and give them a new way to perceive and then interact with the child or adolescent at home. When new perceptions are provided, new reactions are inevitable. New reactions have a domino effect on others, which continues the process of change.

The school counselor will become an instrument of change, entering the system and providing a new structure, influence and direction for the family to address their concerns, one where they see themselves and the adolescent as more competent than they previously did. •

The school counselor will help the family see that they are not helpless because the conversation will enable them to identify exceptions to times when the problem occurs.

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The school counselor will assist the family in seeking to help their adolescent rebuild a reputation that begins at home and follows her to school, where she has support. When both school and home work together, things get better.

Just Fix Her While I Go to the Mall Many times, in private practice, I would go into the reception area where an adolescent and parent were waiting. After greeting them, the parent would often tell me that she or he had errands to run and would be back to pick up the adolescent in an hour. Ethically, I couldn’t see the adolescent under age 18 without the parent. As a family therapist, theoretically, I needed to visit with both parent and child. That often led me to inform parents that while I understood they had errands to run, I needed to speak with them. Thankfully, after one session, the parent saw the helpfulness of meeting with the adolescent and me and often returned to therapy with the adolescent for the duration of our sessions. The next example of a family therapy session in the section that follows, written by Elliott Connie, shows how change can occur throughout a family when parents change their approach to each other, even if unwillingly at first.

Creating Change in a Family to Help a Student—a Case by Elliott Connie Douglas was 13 years old and attending the eighth grade at the time I was working with him and his family. He had been dealing with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder and conduct disorders for most of his life and as a result had been placed in several out-ofhome placements during the past few years. In fact, Douglas’s behaviors had become so severe that he was sent to live with his grandmother so he would not do physical harm to his siblings, mother and stepfather. While he was in therapy, incidents of aggressive behavior were drastically reduced so the family decided to bring him home. Throughout therapy the mother and stepfather had been attending sessions that were held at the grandmother’s home, and Douglas had not been to their home in several years. The mother and stepfather decided to allow Douglas to stay at their home for one night during the upcoming weekend. A therapy session was scheduled the next day. Before the home session, the therapist received a phone call from Douglas’s mother who informed the therapist that there were severe problems on the previous night involving Douglas, herself and the stepfather. The mother was very emotional as she explained that Douglas had become upset and aggressive after she had a verbal altercation with the stepfather. The mother explained she was afraid because she did not know if her marriage could survive the fight. The therapist met with the family and knowing that Douglas and his two younger siblings were home, the therapist brought pizza to keep the children busy while the parents and therapist met. As the therapist approached the front door, the yelling could be heard. The following excerpt is from the session. THERAPIST: MOTHER: STEPFATHER: THERAPIST: STEPFATHER:

What would be helpful to talk about today? I would like to talk about our marriage. If Douglas is going to come stay here, we have to be sure we are not fighting in front of him. I agree; I just don’t know how I can get that into her head. Get what into her head? The fact that I love her and would never leave her and my family for anyone or any reason. All of the arguments we have are because she is accusing me of wanting to leave.

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MOTHER:

STEPFATHER:

THERAPIST: MOTHER: THERAPIST: MOTHER:

STEPFATHER: MOTHER:

MOTHER: STEPFATHER: MOTHER: THERAPIST:

MOTHER: STEPFATHER:

That is because you ignore me. I don’t feel like you even want to be here. You don’t make me feel special anymore, and I am scared that you want to leave. I am not going anywhere; I LOVE YOU and I would never leave you. (The stepfather then stood up from the couch where he was previously sitting.) Do you feel ignored right now? Yes. Tell me about times when you do not feel as ignored by [your husband]. That is easy: when he is touching me. I feel like the only person in the world when he is touching me. (The stepfather then sat back down on the couch next to the mother and placed his hands on her cheeks and began crying.) I love you; you are everything to me. (crying) I love you too and I never want to lose you. I just want you to be happy. THERAPIST: I am curious. Are you feeling ignored by [your husband] right now? No, I love this. I do not feel nagged either. This is so cheesy, but it worked. I feel completely different than I did at the beginning of this session. How can we use this to help you guys each feel not ignored and not nagged by the other in the future? It appears to be very effective from what I have just seen. Since this is so cheesy, I will ask him for “cheese” when I am upset and feeling ignored. I will sure give it to her because I don’t want to be nagged. (laughter)

I saw the family once a week for another month, helping them to adjust to Douglas having longer, more frequent visits in their home. The couple reported that they continued to use the “cheese” intervention they developed and have noticed a drastic reduction in arguments. As a result, Douglas began to show the same improvement while in their care that he was showing at his grandmother’s home. During the last session, the couple informed the therapist they are making plans to buy a home large enough to house Douglas and the grandmother.

Systems Theory at Work Systems theory teaches that the many circular, interlocking and sometimes time-delayed relationships among its components are often just as important to understand as are the individual components. As Elliot Connie found in the previous case, by helping the parents to reconcile their differences and find another method of expressing their needs, Douglas began to act more appropriately. In most families, when the parental system is in sync and operating well, children and adolescents feel safe and rarely act out. However, when the parental dyad is out of sync, an unrest permeates the system. In order

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to call attention to that unrest, adolescents act out and children have tantrums or do poorly in school. At a seminar once, a school counselor asked me what she should do with a 16-year-old girl who was extremely disrespectful to her mother. The girl said that all she wanted to do was run away from home so that she could do drugs. The school counselor had tried suggesting ideas to the girl about finishing high school and looking toward college, but the girl refused to listen. As I talked more with the school counselor, she eventually mentioned that she had recently met the girl’s mother, whom she described as tyrannical, rude and critical of her office staff. It began to make sense as to why the girl was unreasonable and disrespectful to everyone else. The school counselor told me after the seminar that she now planned to visit with both mother and daughter the next week, with the intention of talking about respect between them both. In the movie Dangerous Minds (1995), teacher and ex-marine Louanne Johnson accepts a full-time job at East Palo Alto High School, realizing that the students in her class are intelligent but their social problems keep their reputation from being respected. She soon learns that she either must give up on them due to their violent and disrespectful tendencies toward her or learn how to cooperate to get the students’ attention and help them learn. One such student was Raoul, a street-smart Hispanic young man. One day he got into a fight with another boy and was expelled for three days. Ms. Johnson had tried talking to Raoul about his strengths and abilities, even stroking him for the good work that he handed in occasionally. But nothing worked. One day Ms. Johnson drove to his home in a ghetto neighborhood and spoke to his parents, who were surprised to see her. Raoul was present. At first, the father took charge of the situation and assured Ms. Johnson that Raoul would be punished severely for the trouble that he caused at school. Interrupting him, Ms. Johnson told the parents that she was not there to make sure he was punished. Instead, she was there to tell them “what a pleasure it is to have Raoul in my classroom. He is very bright, funny and articulate…in fact, he’s my favorite.” Stunned, the father glanced at his son and said, “It’s a miracle!” Ms. Johnson smiled at Raoul, who then smiled back. “What happened when Ms. Johnson entered the system of her student?” Prior to the visit, chances are that the parents saw their son as a future dropout. When he came home from school, they probably never asked about homework. Instead, he waltzed back out the door to keep company with his street friends until dawn. Now, however, the story changes along with Raoul’s new-found reputation. My hunch is that when Ms. Johnson left, the parents’ hope in their son returned. In the future, they might ask him when he comes home from school, “Do you have homework? Your teacher said you are smart. Go study.” This movie is based on a true story. Raoul graduated from high school.

Is There Time to Do Family Counseling? While school counselors are not family therapists, sometimes seeing a family once or twice can make a difference in their child's education. As a school counselor, I often saw families in my office at school when the student indicated that things at home were contributing to

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their school challenges. As a school counselor, I often found that good times to see families were when they dropped off their child or adolescent at school. The sessions were not long and often one session was all that was needed, especially using the solution focused approach. When the family members got on board with what the student needed at home, the student often improved quickly. As a high school counselor, I had slightly more flexibility in that parents could come during the day or after school occasionally. My job was then to give teachers some warning that the student would be absent from class that day. I found that by seeing families, I could do more for the child or adolescent and the families were thrilled to get free counseling. By visiting with families and focusing on how the family could assist their child or adolescent at school, I was able to help the family to change their interactions enough so that the student could literally return to class and get relief. The good news, too, is that meeting with families at school is different from private practice, where families are seen up to six times by a solution-focused therapist. As a school employee, you will deal with school issues only, and that will keep your conversations brief. In fact, meetings may be brief (approximately 30 to 45 minutes) and most do not have to continue past one or two sessions. When I worked with families as a school counselor, I found that most teachers or administrators welcomed such involvement, granting a pass from class for a student to attend the conversation. The teachers who are involved simply need to know that you need time with the student, who will make up any missed work. Give teachers plenty of notice so that it does not take the teacher by surprise. Students are sometimes reluctant to bring in their parents, but often they report later that the joint session was worth their time. Again, it is the systemic change that occurs when meeting with the family and offering new ways of thinking that leads to longer-lasting change.

Basic Ideas for Seeing a Family at School The following steps may help as you meet with families about a variety of issues. You will notice that the steps follow the same protocol for working with individual students and teachers. The difference is that you have many more voices to hear from, learn their best hopes and talk about exceptions 1

Introduce yourself. Begin by introducing yourself and learning everyone’s name. Ask about where the parents work and ask them to tell you a little about themselves. Also ask the parents to tell you some strengths of their child or adolescent before getting started. David Epston, a narrative therapist and co-developer of narrative therapy, includes special ways of starting sessions where he suspects there may be some tension. The excerpt that follows is from Narrative Therapy in Wonderland (2016) a book he co-authored: “DE regularly summarizes, weaving together wonderfulnesses and events as a means of giving the nascent story line initial lift. In spite of the fact that the story under construction is based on long-standing values and events, it may not have been sufficiently woven or cogently told until now. And even still it is an early draft.” (Marsten, Epston, and Markham, 2016, p. 107)

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So, a conversation with the family of a child or adolescent who may be in trouble or not performing well academically can begin by asking: “Would it be okay if I digress for a minute and learn some things from you? I want to learn about some wonderfulnesses that you see in your son or daughter during his/her growing up with you. Can you share some of those wonderfulnesses with me?” Then: “Can you tell me a memory about your son or daughter that makes you smile and remember good times? I would like to learn about him/her.” This way of beginning a hard conversation works like magic and helps the parent(s) to recall better times. If you suspect that a parent is very upset prior to the meeting, consider giving the parent a heads-up about the wonderfulness question. The answers can be soothing to the offspring, who might not have heard endearing words from a parent in a while. 2

Learn about what the family’s best hopes are. Ask everyone, especially the student: “What are your best hopes for our time?”

Get the best hopes to a specific, doable goal that you can focus on before going forward by asking “What difference would that make for you?” For goals such as: “I want him to stop____,” help the parent to rephrase it as a doable goal by asking: “So, instead of that, what do you hope for?” 3

Describe a preferred future. After you hear the best hopes, help the family focus on a preferred future. Ask each person the following questions: “What will be happening that will tell you that things are better?” “Who will be doing something differently? Who else? Who else?” “How will these changes be helpful?” “How will the changes affect your family life?” “What would be a way to begin achieving that on a small scale?”

4

Identify exceptions. After the family defines the preferred future, say to everyone: “I’d like each of you to think back to a time when a little of this was happening.” “Where else has this happened?” “In what kind of situation, even outside the home, does the goal happen even slightly?” Listen and ask for everyone’s responses and write them down.

5

Use the scale. “You have each described some times when the problem was not as much of a problem. Let me read them to you.” Then read each exception and continue:

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Applications of the Approach “This question is for everyone: On a scale of 1 to 10, with a 10 meaning that your family has achieved the goal we have talked about, and a 1 meaning that your family has not begun to achieve the goal, it, where would you each scale your family” “If you were to move up just one place before I see you again, what would you say you could each do to accomplish that, based on what I just read to you?”

End the session and ask for feedback. As you end the session, ask the family, “What did we do in here today, if anything, that you found helpful?” This is valuable information for you and the family to verbalize. It will help you feel motivated to continue working with them and it will send the family a message that you are sincere in working with them. From that information, you will learn what to continue doing. Use the Family Solutions Template that follows to assist you in the conversation. Copy the page when your session is over and hand it to the parents.

Family Solutions Template What are the family’s best hopes? ____________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________ What will everyone in the family see in the future that will mean things are better? What else? (X5) ____________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________ When are times when parts of the preferred future have happened before? When else? (X5) ____________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________ On a scale of 1–10, with 10 the highest, where was the family when the conversation started today? What does the family think it will take to begin moving up the scale? ____________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________

Before the family leaves, ask if they would like to meet again. The following case shows how the steps presented helped a middle school student teach her parents what she needed.

A New Way to Parenting Success: Ask the Student Sophia, age 12, was a soccer star extraordinaire. Adopted as an infant, she was the younger of two children, her older brother being her parents’ biological child. Sophia had a rebellious tendency that sometimes kept her from seeming respectful—except on the soccer field. Her coach, she reported, would never put up with any rebellion or disrespect; he would make her run five miles if she did that.

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When Sophia was arrested at her school for spray-painting graffiti on the walls at school, she was placed in an alternative school with strict rules and consistent consequences. She did well. In fact, for the first time that semester, Sophia did well academically as well as behaviorally. When Sophia’s parents brought her to family counseling, they were still at a loss. It seemed that although Sophia had done much better at the alternative school, she remained disrespectful and belligerent at home. Our conversation went as follows: LM: MOM: LM: MOM: SOPHIA:

LM: SOPHIA: LM: SOPHIA: DAD: SOPHIA: DAD: SOPHIA: SOPHIA:

So, what can we talk about here today that would make our time together productive? We need to know how to settle her down at home, like she is at school. We don’t want any more situations where she gets arrested either. So, you want her behavior to improve. What would that look like? She would be more respectful to myself and her dad. (cursing) Why would I do that? You don’t do anything for me … ever. I ask you to take me places and help me with things, and you never have time. You always say, “When I get around to it.” Sophia, I am curious about something. Your parents say that you are doing quite well in the alternative school. Tell me what helps you do so well. I don’t know. I guess it’s because I earn points each day, and when I do, I get privileges right then. I know that they will happen too. What does it do for you to know you can depend on those rewards? I guess it makes me pay attention to what I do. Now, Sophia, we have done the charts at home for you before. We set up an allowance, and you still didn’t cooperate. Yeah, because you would forget to give it to me. We can’t help that I lost my job. No, but you just never follow through with anything. LM: What would be better, Sophia? I’ll tell you what I need. First, a chart with dates on it so that I can do my chores, and they can be written on the chart, so I don’t forget. Second, an allowance that my parents could afford that I would get each week, based on what I did right. If I messed up one day, they could subtract that day and give me the allowance based on what I did do right at the end of the week. Friday is good. Third, privileges that they would follow through with and I could depend on.

That day, Sophia presented a mature side of her that seemed genuine. Sophia basically described what worked for her at the alternative school and tailored it to her home life. Her parents listened to her three ideas and then described that it was true that they often did not follow through. However, by talking to her parents about how determined they were to keep their daughter on track, they were able to contract with each other that they would sit with Sophia, work out the chart with her assistance, and try the technique for one week. After one week, Sophia’s parents described their daughter as doing more around the house without being told and being more respectful of her parents. When I asked Sophia what her parents had done differently, Sophia answered, “They are following through with what they told me they would do, finally.”

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When Parents Struggle to See the Student Differently: A Case Once families see their influence in solving issues of their children, they become quite helpful. However, some parents still have difficulty in seeing their part. When this happens, school counselors can also use the process of externalizing problems, which has been discussed in this book several times, as a strategy, since it minimizes blame and increases family cooperation. This case describes how 16-year-old Joey was able to improve his own behavior when the issue was not him but tension. Joey, a sophomore in high school, had been a star athlete for most of his school years. He had played baseball since preschool and had excelled at the sport until this year, when he was dropped from the team for failing three classes. Depressed and rebellious at home, he came to counseling with his mother, stepdad and brother. The school was concerned about Joey’s failing grades and his tendency to engage in fights. In my first meeting with Joey and his family, his mother expressed her concerns about his father’s murder when Joey was two, Joey’s violent outbursts toward her and in school, and her fear that he would fail his sophomore year. Joey’s stepdad described his relationship with Joey as stable but was concerned that Joey had recently stopped talking to him and was choosing to stay out late with his friends instead of studying or being at home with the family. As I listened to the family’s description of the problem that they felt was bothering Joey, I watched him stare at the floor and sink deeper and deeper into the couch, as if succumbing to the problem and its claim on his life. The family was desperately concerned, and their concern was burying Joey and creating a sense of hopelessness. They had confronted him enough to drive him away from any responsibility for his own actions. Instead, their confrontation had perpetuated his rebellion. The last thing I needed to do as a counselor was to help them create more of the same hopelessness by trying to probe or understand what was troubling Joey. It has been my experience as a teacher, school counselor and therapist that adolescents respond with rebellion, resistance and sadness when they are blamed or criticized. I was interested in Joey’s opinion and solutions to his school problems, and I knew that to gain his cooperation in counseling, I needed to align heavily with him against the problem. I knew he was competent in at least part of his educational history, because he had, in fact, succeeded in school up to this point. He had also succeeded in doing well at a sport. Most important, he had come to counseling willingly with his family. With these exceptions in mind and an assumption that Joey wanted things to be different, I began the session by expressing my concern for the family’s worries and then asked: LM: MOM:

STEPDAD:

TOMMY: JOEY:

How will you know when things are getting better for all of you?After a few minutes of silence, the family replied: Things will be better when I don’t worry as much about Joey’s grades or his outbursts at school. I will receive fewer phone calls about Joey’s behavior and will feel confident to go to work without worrying. The tension that seems to perpetuate the family life will be less prevalent, and I’ll be able to stay off Joey’s back and do more things with Tommy [Joey’s younger brother]. I’ll be able to play with Joey without being afraid that he will beat me up, and I’ll have friends over more often because there will be less yelling. I don’t know, I guess school will be better and everybody—family, school—will be off my back.

Working with Teams and Families

LM:

MOM:

STEPDAD:

TOMMY:

JOEY:

LM: JOEY: LM: JOEY: LM: JOEY: LM: JOEY: LM: JOEY:

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Listening to the family’s description of the problem, I asked about the tension his stepfather had described and how each of them kept this tension around. I explained to the family that problems are often maintained through interactions and that people influence the life of the problem. With this in mind, I addressed each of the family members: I’ve often learned that problems are, what I refer to as, maintained—you know, that possibly people keep problems around by their behaviors with each other. Can you each tell me how you might possibly keep this tension in your family? I badger Joey, I worry too much, I yell at Brian [stepdad] when I worry about Joey. I complain too much about his low grades. I get so frustrated that I keep nagging him. I pick on Joey. My dad and I used to punch each other, and I used to think that playing around with Joey would lighten him up. Wrong! I do let things get to me and then jump down Joey’s throat. I yell back at Joey when he bugs me. I tell on Joey to Dad and Mom, he gets in trouble, and then everybody yells. Then I guess I aggravate him when his friends are over. It’s fun. I don’t do my school work, don’t come home on time, and I yell back when they yell at me. I get mad pretty easy. As each of the family members described how they contributed to the tension, Joey began to look up at his family and me instead of at the floor. He seemed to feel less blamed, and the family backed off from blaming him as well. We continued to talk more about times when the tension was not as prevalent. Joey, take me back to a time when school was better and the tension your dad talked about wasn’t in control of your life. Last year. I passed all my classes last year. How did you do that? They have this class at school called Academic Opportunity, where you go for help when you need it. I went when I needed to, and I passed. Really! By the way, aren’t you passing four classes now? Yes. Tell me which ones. Math, English, home economics and art. That’s great! What’s your secret to doing that? I don’t know. I do my work in class and just hand it in. Joey brightened considerably and became more forthcoming instantly. He began to describe additional ways he had passed classes in the past and strategies he was using to pass classes now. He recalled that a few years ago, his mom had praised him and rewarded him with time they spent together. He also mentioned that she had been reacting differently lately, not noticing his passing grades and barely giving him a pat on the back. According to

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JOEY:

LM: JOEY: LM: JOEY:

LM: JOEY: LM: JOEY: LM: JOEY: LM: JOEY:

Joey, she was correct to be concerned about her badgering: her efforts to encourage him had backfired. Joey then turned his attention to his stepdad and reminisced how at one time they had gone over his homework together before he turned it in. His stepdad admitted that he had become negligent in checking Joey’s work recently and recalled that he did enjoy checking Joey’s work in the past. As Joey described his past successes, his mother mentioned her concern about the violent outbursts at school. Joey admitted that he had a temper, but by this time in the session, he too was changing his thinking as he mentioned that on more than one occasion since eighth grade, he had learned to curb his temper. I was curious about his ability to curb his temper, especially since that was an issue brought to my attention by the family and the school. I asked him to describe how he did this: One day at school, I was sitting with six of my friends at lunch. We got up to get some food, and when we came back, a bunch of guys had thrown our books on the floor and were sitting in our seats. It took about 15 seconds for me to clench my fists and get ready to fight. Did you fight? No. How did you stop? We asked them “Would you please move?” and then I noticed the coach watching us. I slowed myself down. Wow, you asked them to move first? Yeah. Has that helped in other situations? Yeah, it has. That’s incredible. Tell me. With my mom once, she was yelling at me and grabbed me. I was mad but I kept my cool and didn’t hit her. Amazing. I would never hit my mom. I love her.

The initial session ended with a simple task: the family was asked to focus on easing the tension. By easing the tension, the tension remained externalized (Epston and White, 1990). As the family discussed how they maintained the problem, they discovered what they might do to make it less dominant in their relationships. Joey had stated his specific strategies to control anger and pass some classes at school, and he had expressed how important his mom was to him. He indeed had the resources he needed to escape from the tension. I noted to him and his family that there were simply too many occasions when he did not allow the problem to influence his behavior for this not to be the case. The other family members, hearing the exceptions I solicited from Joey, agreed that the tension was the problem at hand. In an effort to assist the family in noticing more times when the tension was not interfering with their family life, I asked Joey and his family to do the following, “During the next week, I’d like you all to notice times when, purposefully, you do not allow the tension to interfere with your family life. Joey, I’d like you to notice when school works, especially in the four classes you are passing, and notice specifically how you are doing that.” By offering a task to notice when the problem was less bothersome, Joey and his family were more likely to see relief and experience themselves as more competent. It was important that

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Joey experience himself as competent so as to lessen any dependency on his family and teachers to succeed in school behaviorally and academically. The ability to gain independence from the problem is clearly a self-esteem builder and motivating agent for change in adolescents. Within a week, his stepdad again began checking his stepson’s work, and his mom stopped badgering her son. After three weeks, Joey had raised his grades to passing. Tommy, following his parents’ lead, bugged his brother less, resulting in more pleasant times together with Joey. Interestingly enough, in a future session, his mom said to me, “I started noticing what he passed instead of what he was not passing, and the times we got along instead of what went wrong that day.” This was a nice outcome of the first session task, and since I had only suggested that the family look for exceptions, her behavior change was her own decision. I made sure I gave her credit for such a nice way of relating differently to her son. The case notes that follow illustrate the steps I took with Joey and his family as I externalized the tension.

Solution-Focused Case Notes for Joey’s Family Listen to the problem concern according to each of the family members. Listen for language that describes the concerns of the family. Their descriptions will assist you in joining with them to externalize and then stand up to the problem that has invaded the family. The following steps are how the process went for Joey’s family: 1

Externalized Problem: Tension

2

Best Hopes and Preferred Future: Joey will have fewer angry outbursts, and he will make passing grades in school. Mom will notice when Joey improves and will not hear from the school as often with complaints about Joey. Stepdad and Joey will get along once again and do homework together. Tommy will play more with friends his age and bother his big brother less. The tension will be replaced with “better interactions” among the family members.

3

Exceptions: Joey is age appropriate for his grade in school. Joey is passing four of six subjects and does so by Academic Opportunity course training and by turning in all work. Joey has been in difficult situations and has not had an angry outburst by responding politely before losing his temper. When Mom was supportive and complimentary of Joey in the past, he did better in school. When Stepdad checked Joey’s schoolwork, he was more patient with him, and Joey did well. When Tommy did not tattle on Joey to his parents, there was less conflict between the brothers. Joey loves his mother very much and does not want to hurt her.

Scaling Family Progress Previously in this book, I used an alteration of the scaling question between two elementary students who were fighting. Using the scaling question differently, placing a 5 in the middle and a child at opposing ends of the scale, the students focused on moving toward a mutual goal. The same idea for using the scaling question can be helpful to families, particularly when one member of the family does not feel as if the other

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family members are working as hard as he or she is. The following case illustrates this dilemma. Sam, 15 years old, was referred to counseling after he was arrested by police for carrying a knife and possessing a small amount of marijuana. After attending day treatment in a nearby psychiatric facility for ten days, he and his family began family therapy. As Sam began to lobby his family for recovery of his car (he had a hardship license) and other privileges, he became quite frustrated when his parents refused to comply with his wishes. Instead, they told Sam what it would take for him to recover his car and other privileges. Sam looked at me and said, “See, they never compromise.” I was concerned that Sam truly believed his family did not want to work things out and saw him determined to try to get his way. I proposed the following scale to Sam: 1

LM:

2

3

4

5

4

3

2

1

I’m going to draw a scale with both of your goals in the middle. I’m then going to put you and your family on a scale, with you at one end of the scale and your parents at the other end, since you are disagreeing at this moment. Sam, when you look at the scale, where do you see yourself in regard to meeting the goals that you both talked about? Where do you see your mom and dad? And Mom and Dad, where do you see yourselves on this scale? Where do you see your son?

Sam said he was a “1.” He had no plan. Sam’s parents were at a “4.” They had a plan for Sam, but Sam showed no movement. They said if Sam could get to a “4” he could get his car back and have some privileges. To do that, he would also have to be drug free on a home drug test. The parents continued to list what they were willing to do to move forward on the scale and what Sam needed to do to move forward as well. Together, they negotiated that Sam could eventually reclaim his car when he got to a 4 on the scale by getting clean drug screens for three months, associating with nondrug-using friends, and his parents’ receiving no calls from the school regarding discipline problems and skipping class. As the scale showed, Sam had not defined what he was willing to do to reach the goal; he was more concerned with what his parents would do. The scale assisted him in seeing how his parents were willing to compromise yet he was not. He became very quiet and then began to collaborate.

Hard to See Parent Competencies? Ask about Work As a family therapist, in addition to being a school counselor, I know that not all sessions go just as I plan. Sometimes parents are at a loss with their child and can’t imagine things getting better. They have difficulties identifying times when their offspring did better and see only problems now. When this happens, consider talking to the parents about their profession, for within their professional and even personal lives most parents use strategies that work for them. Help them to see how these strategies that they use outside their family can be used at home too. Consider, for example, the following traits: Secretary: Physician: Attorney: Teacher:

Patient and understanding, problem solver Thorough, bedside manner, seeks answers and offers ideas Objective, factual, listens, is supportive Structured, methodical, tries to be helpful

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Creative, listens to directions from others and complies

When working with parents, I ask the following questions about their professional and personal relationships, particularly when I am searching for exceptions: “What would your boss say your best asset is in working with others?” “What would your partner or friends say you do that makes relationships work?” “Would the way you respond at work be different from how you do things at home?” “If you pretended that your son/daughter was your client or colleague at work with the same type of behavior, what would you do differently?” These questions help parents examine their competencies elsewhere. When typical parenting strategies do not work, many parents sense that perhaps the situation is beyond their control. By helping them to identify exceptions outside the home, they can discover other ways that they deal with adults often and are able to converse differently. Whenever a school client can discover personal competencies and exceptions, or times when they used those personal competencies, the present issue is less intimidating. After all, they are simply focusing on doing what they already know how to do.

Working with Teams at School Remember Nate from Chapter One? If he had only been seen individually, chances are that it would have taken him longer to achieve school attendance success. When students develop behavioral or academic challenges in schools, they often speak individually with a counselor. During such conversations, the counselor and student may identify strategies that can provide relief for the student or the referring teacher. However, once the student returns to the classroom, armed with a bright outlook and strategy, the student can be derailed by the same context that previously helped to create the problem. Without support from the teacher, the chances of lasting change for the optimistic student diminishes rapidly. What has become more helpful when using a solution-focused approach in schools, is to involve the system that the student is connected with each day in a conversation.

Building a Solution-Focused Team Throughout this book, I have attempted to reinforce the importance of systemic thinking while using the solution-focused approach. The conversation that can develop when adults and students in the system share “best hopes” can result in several opportunities. First, the system begins to see and know the student in a different context and recognize that the student is indeed interested in succeeding. Students involved in such

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meetings often appear quite differently when everyone is meeting to find strategies to be helpful. Second, the student begins to know his/her teachers differently, recognizing the teachers’ desire to be helpful. The resulting new relationships begin to transform a system from one of maintaining a problem to one of providing an opportunity to achieve solutions together. The process is similar to a solution-focused conversation only it enlists responses from many individuals in the team. The result is a collaborative effort where rich descriptions of strengths and exceptions dominate the conversation rather than deficits. The solutionfocused team conversation is a radically new approach as instead of placing the educator in the role of expert, as with traditional interventions, it invites the students and parents to assist educators in designing the solutions. Discussing problems is typical in education, but rarely does that primary discussion offer solutions that work for both students and staff. Too often, the staff simply assigns strategies or suggests them, and the student does not follow through … the strategies may not fit. Then, the staff takes the view that they are trying harder than the student and they give up. Everyone loses. The solution-focused team conversation amplifies possibilities for change through focusing less on the problem and more on the outcome. The team is interested in getting to know the student so well during the meeting, that not only does their relationship with the student change, they learn about exceptions (times when things go better for the student) and are able to use those discoveries in planning interventions. The process found to be the most successful when forming and utilizing a Solutionfocused Team Conversation includes the following steps: 1

Teachers in the team (everyone involved in the student’s school day), the parents and student are invited to the meeting. Teachers receive a request, usually from the school counselor, to identify exceptions for the student a few days prior to the solutionfocused team meeting. The form that follows can be used for the request. The form, Observations of Success, prepares and suggests to teachers what the focus and climate of the meeting will be like. Without such prompting, the meeting may evolve into complaints about the student and problem talk. 2 A Solution-focused Team Conversation process includes similar steps as used in individual conversations throughout this book except that everyone in the meeting responds, including parent and student. The next form that is provided, Solution-focused Team Conversation, provides simple steps for the team leader or school counselor to use to facilitate the conversation. As a follow up and consistent reminder of systemic support, the teachers are encouraged to visit with the student each week to complete the Exceptions Findings form, which simply allows the teacher and student to summarize and notice times when school went better. These exceptions can be presented to the team at the next meeting and serves as more information for helpful strategies.

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Solution-Focused Team Conversation Name: Date: 1

Identify best hopes: The leader opens by expressing appreciation to those attending the meeting, then starts the conversation by asking everyone: “What are your best hopes for our meeting today?”

(It is common for attendees to answer by saying what they do not want. Help those who respond in this way to develop a more workable goal by asking, “What do you want to happen instead?”) Write the answers below: On a scale of 1–10, with 1 meaning not successful and a 10 meaning completely successful, where is the student currently: Parent:____ Student:____ Teachers:____ (Take average score:____) 2

Create a preferred future: The leader thanks everyone for their responses and asks everyone, “What will the student be doing in the classroom over the next three weeks so that the score increases, and our concern decreases?”

3

Identify exceptions: The leader asks the teachers about the exceptions that everyone present was asked to document: “Looking at your Observations of Success form, what have you noticed about the times when things are slightly better?” Direct a question to Parent/Student: “When have things been better in other classrooms, grades, or situations at school or even outside of school?”

4

Develop new strategies from exceptions: The leader asks the student, teachers, and parents:

“From our conversation today, which ideas do you think we might try out to move the score up the scale slightly?” Classroom strategies: Home strategies: Student strategies: The leader asks for a collaborative agreement from everyone to experiment with the strategies for a certain time. (Recommended time is one to three weeks.) Next meeting date: Time:

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Observations of Success Dear Teacher, There will be a Solution-focused Team Conversation for_____ on______ at_____ in Room_____. The conversation will consist of everyone involved in____’s academic life, the student and parent. The conversation will not last longer than 30 minutes. Prior to the conversation, please watch for times when things go slightly better for the student academically or behaviorally and note what is occurring during that time. Consider lesson plans, activities, interactions with other students and teachers or any other actions that show slight success. Please write only those “exceptions” down on the lines below and bring to the conversation. Thanks! Exception Findings Date:__________________ Student:____________________________Grade:__________________ The documentation in this form is only for exceptions—activities, situations or assignments when the student begins to be more successful in the classroom. Week 1 Exceptions: List activities, situations or assignments: 1._________________________________________________________ 2._________________________________________________________ 3._________________________________________________________ 4._________________________________________________________ 5._________________________________________________________ Weekly score: Student:______ Teacher:_______ Week 2 Exceptions: List activities, situations or assignments: 1._________________________________________________________ 2._________________________________________________________ 3._________________________________________________________ 4._________________________________________________________ 5. ________________________________________________________ Weekly score: Student:______ Teacher:_______ Week 3 Exceptions: List activities, situations or assignments: 1._________________________________________________________ 2._________________________________________________________ 3._________________________________________________________ 4._________________________________________________________ 5._________________________________________________________ Weekly score: Student:______ Teacher:_______

By engaging the student with his team, relationships change. There is something magical when a student who feels that none of his teachers like him, hears words such as “You are good in groups … you have leadership qualities.” Or, “You seem to really like the book we have been reading … can you tell me what attracts you to it?” These are words that honestly evolve, especially when the teachers scout out the exceptions prior to the team conversation. The job of the school counselor or educator who conducts those

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conversations is to stay mindful of the solution talk, not problem talk. Doing so will reward the student and the team with a new mindset where possibilities emerge and deficits shrink.

Systemic Approaches: Efficient and Effective After over 20 years of providing the solution-focused team conversations with student school clients, parents, school counselors/psychologists, teachers and principals, I have found that doing so has provided lasting change in 95 percent of my client cases. Typically, families seem to learn their part in a child or adolescent’s behavior that they did not realize. Family dynamics affect students’ school lives. Students worry about their families when financial, medical or employment difficulties emerge. Less experienced in understanding how their parents will get back on track, they worry and sometimes that worry turns into acting out behaviors that distract their parents from the home situation. As a school counselor, while you may not be a family therapist, the ideas in this chapter will guide you in family conversations. Let your principal know that you see the academic needs of the child or teenager as dependent on family involvement. Even if the family does not immediately seem engaged to change their interactions, make sure the suggestions come from their child or adolescent. Their words are the most meaningful of all and when expressed sincerely, with your help, they may receive responses from their families that can relieve them. On occasions when I suspected that a student was concerned about a parent’s job situation or depression, I asked the parent to mention each morning when the student went to school to mention their plans for the day to solve the current issue and reassure the student that they need not worry. The result on many occasions was less misbehavior, more school focus and the ability to be…a child.

Summary According to Brian Gerrard (1997) at the Center for Child Development at the University of San Francisco, 85 percent of the students referred by teachers, parents and other staff members have problems that are related to problems at home. Although the school counselor may be helpful in speaking to the referred student about the symptoms of the home problems that occur at school, unless the home problems are addressed, the chances of change for the student are minimal. Seeing families in a school setting recreates the sense of communities; that schools are the pillars of society. Today’s families experience stressors related to finances, legal issues, divorce, substance abuse, custody issues, marital discord, parental neglect and even siblings in gangs. Where do they turn? If the school has some basic services such as individual, family and group counseling available to its students and parents, many issues can be addressed. By using a solution-focused approach, the school counselor can be an integral part of getting help for families in regard to helping their children be more successful.

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Solution-Focused Training Exercise: Chapter Eight Look through the list of students with whom you are working now and identify one whom you feel stuck with. Call the student’s parents and schedule a family counseling session, mentioning that the session intends to help their child or adolescent do better in school. Write what impressed you about the family after they leave. Practice composing a letter to the family and mail.

References Dangerous Minds (1995). Retrieved from https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0112792/. Epston, D. & White, M. (1990). Narrative means to therapeutic ends. New York: Norton. Gerrard, B. (1997). School-based family counseling: a new paradigm. San Francisco: Center for Child and Family Development. Department of Counseling, University of San Francisco. Marsten, D. Epston, D. & Markham, L. (2016). Narrative therapy in wonderland. New York: Norton.

9

Rethinking How We Prevent School Violence

This is a chapter to propose a different way of thinking about managing students and preventing school violence. It is a chapter to rethink how we respond to students who misbehave, frighten us and act out. It proposes creating a different, solution-focused climate in our schools that can, systemically, begin to make a difference. As a world, we scramble ambitiously to find answers that will stop school violence. We examine our gun laws, our profiling processes and social media to find clues that can help us to stop the violence. Our students march for revolutionary change. It seems that there are all sorts of proposed solutions and most of them are reactive. We put things in place to recognize and profile students who may be sending us messages that they are planning an attack. We are hypervigilant in our efforts to protect our youth. We are fighting a war, and we just want our children to be safe. We are trying everything we know.

Remembering Maslow To begin, let’s take a look back at Abraham Maslow, someone that each of us probably studied as educators, who proposed a long time ago that human beings have needs: “Maslow's hierarchy of needs (1943) is used to study how humans intrinsically partake behavioral motivation. Maslow used the terms ‘physiological,’ ‘safety,’ ‘belonging and love,’ ‘social needs’ or ‘esteem’ and ‘self-actualization’ to describe the pattern through which human motivation generally moves.” Maslow defined self-actualization to be “the desire for self-fulfillment, namely the tendency for him [the individual] to become actualized in what he is potentially … to become more and more what one is, to become everything that one is capable of becoming.” (http://psychclassics.yorku.ca/Maslow/motivation.htm) Ideally, then, according the Maslow, children and adolescents need a context to become what Maslow refers to as self-actualized. The children and adolescents in our school that are motivated, kind, respectful and have a good sense of self have probably encountered loving adults and community that provided for their needs. They are becoming selfactualized. We enjoy and praise such children and adolescents and rally around them, promoting them as examples of success. We invite them to be in a variety of school clubs, projects, events and other activities that highlight their strengths. But the other students, less fortunate to have a community that cares and can provide for their needs, long for such support. They come to school without the skills to ask for emotional help. Some are very quiet, shy, even embarrassed about their personal lives and others act out, trying to fit in to feel a belonging of sorts. Oftentimes the group the students choose is made up of similar students like them. Together, the group seeks justice, perhaps for not having what the other groups have that are revered by the school and staff and they do so through

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unfortunate, even destructive, means. They are, after all, young humans without healthy life experiences, seeking desperately to be accepted, to belong and to be loved. That population is often conceptualized as the troublemakers, students at risk or students to watch closely. Our tendency as an educational system is to consequence such students and push them away as a means to teach them how to behave and become good citizens. The problem is, however, that given their lack of connection to a healthy community they rarely know how to accept such actions willingly, as a means designed to change their behavior for the better. So, they repeat the offenses over and over and educators scratch their heads, wondering what to do next. The behaviorists proclaim that consistency in consequences should result in a change of behavior. They proclaim, too, that rewards work. Yet, those rewards rarely happen in a context where only profiling happens, along with fear of another case of school violence. So, capitalizing on Maslow’s ideas, imagine instead, as a beginning of doing something different, we take a new route to get students of concern on the road to self-actualization. If humans must achieve a sense of belonging, feeling loved and self-actualization, those students who engage in questionable behavior should be given consequences but also should be asked to join a club, project or activity that engages them with a new sort of community after the consequence. The systemic change that occurs in that engagement might begin to provide what the student is indeed looking for, only healthier. This solution-focused process of relational engagement focuses on creating a preferred future with the student, after a conversation that involves asking the student how he/she wishes things to be after suspension, alternative school, etc. Instead of a warning when the student returns, the student is instead welcomed back for a new chapter. Here are some proposed steps: 1.

2.

3.

4.

After a student is referred for a misdeed, the administrator quotes the policy that was broken and then describes the expectations that the student must honor the policy. If the offense results in suspension, when the student returns they are invited to a team meeting where the teachers and administration let the student know that they are determined to help the student succeed in school. The meeting results in offering the student a teacher mentor, who will check daily on the student to ensure a connection. The administrator also invites the school counselor to the conversation with the referred student. The referral incident is put aside for a while, as the administrator and staff talk with the student. It is as if a new opportunity is provided to the student. Together, the educators talk with the student about his/her interests. They have a conversation about what the student likes to do outside of school, what home is like, strengths he may possess and how they want him to be an integral part of the school. If the offense does not include immediate removal from school, the school counselor sets a time weekly, for a few weeks for the student to come by and talk about whatever the student wishes to discuss. The three solution-focused steps that delineate the student’s best hopes should be discussed. The Reputation Rebuilding Conversation can also be used during the first conversation. This occurs for at least three weeks in a row. The administration then requires the student, as part of the referral or suspension process, to choose from a variety of clubs, activities, school events, office aid positions, etc., as a means of re-integrating him/her into a new context. If there are no clubs of interest, the student is invited to create one with administrative approval and a teacher mentor. The student must participate in the new activity for at least six weeks. If the student does not follow through, the school staff rethinks how they can continue to pursue his involvement, utilizing the mentor. The staff does not give up until the student is engaged!

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Teachers meet as a faculty as this program unfolds and are informed of the process that the student must embark on and are encouraged to engage with the student each day in a friendly manner. They are asked to watch for the student’s interests and to create opportunities in the classroom for the student to engage. The teachers are given some training by the school counselor about the ideas behind the new solution-focused program. The teachers are told that that such involvement at first may be a challenge for the student and the teacher is to remain patient. However, the teacher pursues until they get involvement. Parents are notified of the school’s plan for the student and are invited to come to school and meet with the counselor and teachers in an effort to support their child or adolescent’s evolution into a healthier context of friends, community and school involvement. The conversation is completely solution focused, providing a refreshing new conversation about best hopes for the student.

This process is indeed a new idea for schools to consider. It creates a Solution-focused Climate and that leads to relational engagement. Once engaged, a student has a better chance to trust his/her environment, feel valued and most probably, react differently.

No Change of Policy Required: Just a Change of Heart Hopefully, now that you are reading Chapter Nine, you are beginning to get an idea that how we engage even the most disrespectful and frustrating student is different with a solution-focused approach. A basic principle of solution-focused work, as described by Steve de Shazer is this; “There is no such thing as a resistant client, only an inflexible therapist.” (de Shazer, 1988) In other words, to achieve adherence to policies that keep our schools safe, we need to enforce the policies and engage at the same time! We should reach out to the very population we are serving and find ways to cooperate with basic human needs. We must keep in mind what our best hopes are for our schools: to provide a safe environment where students are motivated to succeed and do succeed. If our current approach is not working, it is insanity to continue. By engaging, rather than disengaging, we follow Maslow’s thinking that in order for selfactualization to occur, students must have opportunities to see themselves as successful and feel love and engagement. Without the addition of these important assets, we will continue to fear and profile our youth, and the lives of our youth will be lost. Back to Garza for inspiration! The climate at Garza High School is an example of the climate described earlier. When a student who has taken part in questionable acts and has been expelled or has dropped out of school, they walk into a welcoming climate. All of the staff and clerical staff are friendly, engaging and interested in every person who walks through the doors (Webb, 2019). The climate is purposefully one where respect and mindset rule. The faculty have a mindset that all students who enter the door want to be there and their job, as facilitators, is to assist the student to find what will drive them to success. They know that it is not easy to reach every student, but they are determined to try as many times as needed to make a connection. It is the student who drives the process.

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According to Franklin and Streeter (2003, p. 11), eight characteristics enable Garza High School to be considered a solution-building school are as follows. • •

Faculty emphasis on building strengths of students Attention given to individual relationships and progress of the students Emphasis upon student choices and personal responsibility Overall commitment to achievement and hard work Trust in student evaluations Focus on student’s future success instead of past difficulties Celebrating small steps toward success Reliance on outcome-setting activities

• • • • • •

The administrators at Garza High School developed a mission statement that is both relational and individualized to reflect the major values and philosophy of the solution-building school, “Gonzalo Garza Independence High School shall foster a community of empowered learners in an atmosphere of mutual respect and trust where every individual is challenged to learn, grow, and accomplish outcomes now and in the future” (Franklin and Streeter, 2003, p. 13). All individuals—administrators, facilitators (teachers), staff and students—are expected to practice and model the Garza Code of Honor: • • •

Demonstrate personal honor and integrity at all times Choose peace over conflict Respect for ourselves and others (Franklin and Streeter, 2003, p. 13).

The following provides a list of statements reflecting the students’ enforcement of the code of honor. Each student is given this code of honor and is expected to follow it. The staff reinforce the code by their own behaviors, similar to the code.

Statements Reflecting Students’ Code of Honor Garza High School • • • • • • • • •

Students are not given suspension, but “reflection” when they do something wrong. Students are loyal to the school and protective of other students and the school environment. Students become more independent and confident because they take personal responsibility for their success. Students need more self-discipline to succeed at Garza because they are given a lot of freedom. Students do not have fights. Students are mature. Students respect the campus and code of honor. Students treat teachers with respect. Students respect each other. Students get to know teachers, counselors, administrators and staff on an individual basis. During disciplinary situations there is also evidence that students take personal responsibility for breaking the code of honor. Source: Franklin and Streeter (2003, p. 14).

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No Hammer Involved Eighty percent of Garza High School students are at risk. Eighty percent of its students graduate. They have no discipline problems. None. So an alternative school with a high at-risk population of students who otherwise would not get a high school diploma is the most peaceful of schools in its school district. What on earth are the staff doing to create this climate? They respond differently to their students, creating an atmosphere of trust and respect. Students are engaged every day by adults who see the power of engagement. The solution-focused school counselor works with the mindset that her job is to create an opportunity (within the code of honor expectations) where students can find their way to success. Sometimes students come with a reputation and it is exciting to begin asking them about their reputation. The reputation of any adolescent is particularly important, since the adolescent years are all about identity. Consider the following dialogue: COUNSELOR: STUDENT:

COUNSELOR: STUDENT:

COUNSELOR:

Tell me what your reputation is in Mr. Howard’s class. He would probably say that I am disrespectful to him even though it is he who is much more disrespectful to me. He told me last week that I had a real attitude and that it would probably get the best of me. This description and defensiveness usually lead an adolescent to show that defensiveness in the classroom, defying the authority more because of the damage done to his self-esteem. Yes, the student was responsible for his attitude in the classroom, but a solutionfocused school counselor sees that perhaps another influence encouraged that attitude to be maintained, such as the teacher’s remarks. An adolescent’s nature is to see himself as invincible, so when an adult tries to destroy his attitude through words, the defense mechanism goes full throttle. By listening to the adolescent and giving him a chance to find solutions to the situation for his own sake, the counselor might continue: That must be terrible for you. How do you wish he would talk to you in class that would be less hurtful? Something nice for a change. In fact, if he would be nice to me first, I might be nice back. That will never happen though. You don’t know him. He just doesn’t like me. I can tell. Here the adolescent reveals what he wishes would happen. While he is still focusing on what the adult is doing, he begins to give the school counselor an idea of what he might do in response to the teacher’s doing something different: Too bad Mr. Howard doesn’t see you like you are in here right now. I wonder what you think you might do as an experiment, just for tomorrow, that might really shock him and change his belief about you so that he could see this kind and concerned trait that I see?

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STUDENT:

COUNSELOR:

This challenge is something that both adolescents and children enjoy. It becomes a game to play that they feel they might win, along with a little coaching from the counselor. And, of course, they love the shock factor that sometimes happens: “Shock my teacher? Yes, I would like to do that.” I would probably have to walk in, sit down and do my work. He probably wouldn’t notice though. This becomes a crucial point for the solution-focused school counselor to pay attention to. As the adolescent describes what he can do, it is important that the counselor commend him on the idea and then relay the plan, along with the student’s help and permission, to Mr. Howard, opening up the possibilities for success. This can be done through an email message or a handwritten letter and should note only what the student is trying to do. Whether or not Mr. Howard is interested in learning that his challenging student is trying new strategies in class is not as important as it is for the student to know that Mr. Howard knows about the plan. This will help the teacher watch the student’s behavior. Mr. Howard will have a tough time ignoring the fact that the student makes the changes, and as he notices he may respond differently to the student. But even if the teacher does not, most students continue with their plan. That is a terrific idea. With your permission, would you help me write an e-mail to Mr. Howard, describing to him that you are working on changing his image of you? I want him to notice the kind of student that I see in my office. You seem bright, interested in being perceived correctly and you also like to stand up for what you believe. I believe you are all these things and my hope is that Mr. Howard can begin to see it too.

Dear Mr. Howard, Thank you for referring Ken to me. He and I are working on some issues that you were concerned about, and he has given me permission to write to you. He wanted to let you know that he has some ideas about changing his behavior. Please watch over the next few days for changes that Ken makes in your class. When you notice, I am sure Ken would appreciate your saying so. Sincerely, Linda Metcalf and Ken Smith Even if Mr. Howard never mentions the changes that Ken makes, the fact is that Ken knows his school counselor believes in him. Then the counselor can talk to Ken about how there may be other people in his life who won’t respond to his changes when he wishes they

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would. By processing this, the counselor can ask Ken what he could think about to keep on making changes in spite of that tendency. As a school counselor, I learned that it was often the toughest students who bought into the idea of rebuilding their reputation. It was as if they knew they had apparently dug themselves into such a deep hole with their misbehavior, lack of motivation and other antics that no one ever thought that they could climb out. Merely suggesting to them that they could climb out and rebuild their reputation seemed as if they could lift themselves out. A guide to help students rebuild their reputation follows.

Reputation-Building Exercise Step 1: Describe the student’s current reputation. “Tell me how you and others in your life would describe you now, with this current reputation.” _____________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________ Step 2: Describe how the reputation has interrupted the student’s life. “Tell me how the current reputation has interfered with your life at school, at home or with friends.” _____________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________ Step 3: Describe how you would like people to see you at school? _____________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________ “What will others begin seeing you do that will convince them that your reputation has changed?” _____________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________ “How will the new reputation help you to get what’s important to you?” _____________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________

A Prevention Exercise Goes a Long Way School counselors often have an opportunity to help students bypass punishment by simply processing with them alternative ways of relating to school staff. When this opportunity knocks, it can intrinsically change a student, which then has an impact on her teachers and school staff. How one approaches such an unhappy, disgruntled student is “all in the conversation,” as the following case study by Nicole Shannon illustrates. Rena, age 13, was referred to interventionist Nicole Shannon at a middle school in Fort Worth, Texas, because of her disrespectful attitude toward her English teacher. When she

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arrived at the interventionist’s office, Nicole asked Rena why she had been referred. She said she was referred because her teacher hated her and wanted to send her away to alternative school. She told Nicole that she was close to being placed in the alternative school if she was referred one more time. Nicole wrote this description as she spent time working with Rena: I began by asking her if she had ever been sent to alternative school before and she said “yes,” she was sent last year. I said: “Wow, how have you made it through 24 weeks of the school year without being sent to the alternative school?” She replied, surprised, that she was just lucky. I then asked her what she had been doing that had helped her to remain at school so far. She said that she had been trying to do better but now she did not care because she really believed that her English teacher hated her. I asked her if there was another teacher at school that she felt did not hate her. She said “yes.” I asked her what she did that helped the teacher to not hate her. She said that it might be because she does not talk in that class and that she is on time to that class. I told Rena that I was very proud of her for not talking in that class and commended her on getting to that class on time. I asked her when she did those same things when she was in her English class, and she said “never.” She told me that her friends were in the English class and she likes to talk to them. I told her that it sounds like she must be well liked by her peers and that I suspect that she has a lot of friends. I then asked her if she would like to get her English teacher off her back. She said she did not care. I asked what she did care about, and she said she did not want to get placed in alternative school again because she would then have to go live with her grandmother. Rena and I began talking about what it would take for her to stay in school. I asked her how was it that she was able to remain in class during the rest of her school days and not be referred. She said that her friends were not in those classes, so she did not talk as much. I then asked what she thought she could do to not talk as much in her English class. She said she could try to not sit by her friends. I told her that I thought she had a great idea and that she must be rather mature to come up with an idea like that. Then I asked her how she could do that. She suggested that she could ask her teacher to move her away from her friends. I said that sounded like a great idea and asked if she would like to try that. She said “yes.” Together, we composed a letter to her teacher asking her to move her away from her friends and then sent a copy of the letter to her vice principal, letting him know what she was trying to do. The next week when I checked in with Rena, she had only been referred out twice since we had talked, which was a dramatic improvement. My plan is to continue to seek her expertise in lowering those referrals. What did Nicole do that made a difference in Rena’s actions? She stepped into the worldview of Rena and became an ally against the situation. By doing so, she was able to sympathize with the situation and then make Rena responsible for changing her actions to achieve a better outcome. If Nicole had begun the session discussing what Rena had done wrong, chances are that like many other adolescents, Rena would have felt accused by yet another adult and then rebelled.

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Another important aspect of Nicole’s intervention was her ignoring the fact that Rena said that she “did not care.” Most preadolescents and adolescents do care, but their integrity often gets in the way of admitting so. The solution-focused approach helps the school counselor see past this pathology and keep moving forward to solutions.

A Team Effort Pays Off A 14-year-old female student relayed to me this wonderful intervention that occurred for her one day at her middle school, and it points to the power of teams: STUDENT:

LM: STUDENT:

LM:

I guess I had not been doing as well as I was before these last six weeks. I’d kind of gotten lazy. One day last week, all my teachers called me into the conference room. I knew I was in deep trouble. Instead, do you know what they said? They said they were concerned about me. They said I was a good kid and that other students really looked up to me and that I could really help them out. I was shocked. Then they went around the room, and each of them told me something good about myself. I’ve never had anything like that happen to me at school. Wow, what else happened then? They told me my grades had dropped, but they had my folder there and showed me how I had done so well early in the year. They asked me if I needed anything from them so I could improve. I couldn’t believe it. It was really cool. I told them I didn’t know right away, but I would think about it. They told me they were going to watch me very closely and ask me if I needed them again. They must really believe in you. STUDENT: I guess so. It was awesome.

The student went from grades in the 70s to 80s and 90s in six weeks, and her behavior improved dramatically. She had previously dropped out of several activities, but after the conference, she began to get tutoring and join new activities. Her mom was impressed with the initiative of the school to call this conference with her daughter. The daughter felt a positive pressure to improve and a sense of support that she had not recognized before. The teachers who were clever enough to devise such a conference gave this student a belief in herself that she needed during the troubled time she was going through. The teachers also changed their image in the student’s mind and the student “paid them back” by being more supportive of the teachers during class time. How wise of the teachers to approach the student in this way. The conference was a respectful, compassionate and empowering experience for the student. The student felt supported and saw herself as important to the teachers. The conference took ten minutes from class preparation before school one day, and the results lasted the rest of the term. Focusing on when the student did well, mixed with concern, empathy and compliments for a plan of action, equaled student success and impressed the parent as well. A guide for conducting such a conference is included here. The “What Works!” worksheet can be filled in by teachers who cannot make the conference, but there is power in numbers. If the student has been working with an administrator, ask for his or her comments as well, and give a copy to the student.

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What Works! Name: Date: What we’ve noticed about you and your successful times at school Teacher: Teacher: Teacher: Teacher: Teacher: Teacher: Teacher:

Summary Are the disciplinary strategies at your school affecting your students in a manner designed to produce moral or mental improvement? Or do those strategies convey punishment? Do the strategies come across as a collaborative means to help students improve their academic performance, or merely teach them consequences? Are students engaged or does the current process push them further away and disengage them? These are tough questions, and a school counselor and school staff are wise to consider their answers. In addition, if the current strategies are not working the school staff is even wiser to revise them. An integral part of the solution-focused approach is to stop doing what is not working. When the solution-focused ideas are combined with Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, schools can come up with unique ways to engage students, so they become self-actualized. And, self-actualized, involved, engaged and successful students are more likely to be good school citizens.

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Solution-Focused Training Exercise: Chapter Nine Years ago, I saw a principal ask his faculty at the mid-year faculty meeting to pass around sheets with students’ names that were in each teacher’s grade levels. He then asked them to check off names of students that they knew. He then told them that by the time the faculty meets again in two weeks he wanted each teacher to seek out students that they DID NOT know and introduce themselves to them. His thinking was clear. He wanted all students engaged, not just the best students or the most visible ones. This week seek out students that you typically do not see as a school counselor. Ask teachers to suggest students that seem less engaged in school and invite those students into your office to just chat. You can suggest that you are making it a point to meet all of the students in your school and get to know them. Don’t be surprised if they are surprised and a bit quiet at the notion of meeting with you. Persevere and be friendly. Do the same for a teacher that you know sometimes struggles with classroom management. Try stopping by his/her classroom and just saying hello. Don’t attempt to talk about any issues. Instead, just let them know that you don’t know them well and want to change that! Doing something like this models a new behavior and is systemic, in that a teacher who feels cared for might do more of that for her/his students! To carry this even further, ask teachers, through an e-mail, to do the following: walk up to a quiet student or a student that sometimes does not perform well or misbehaves and just ask them to chat. Ask the teacher to just learn about who they are. The teacher could just choose the student to do an errand or ask them for their ideas about an activity. The idea is to engage them. Carrying out this type of activity is proactive and sends a message to staff, students and teachers that they are important. And, according to Maslow, when we feel important, we are the best human we can be, especially to others.

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References de Shazer, S. (1988). Clues: Investigating solutions in brief therapy. New York: W. W. Norton & Company. Franklin, C. & Streeter, G. (2003). Solution focused alternatives for education. Retrieved from https:// socialwork.utexas.edu/projects/r0181/. Maslow (1943). A theory of human motivation. Psychological Review, 50, 370–396. Retrieved from http://psychclassics.yorku.ca/Maslow/motivation.htm. Webb, L. (2019). Personal communication at Gonzalo Garza Independent High School, Austin, Texas.

10 Guiding Students through Dangerous Habits and Crises

Lee, age 15, loved marijuana. He began smoking it at age 12 and told me that he used it four days a week after school and on the weekends. His father was unemployed and his mother took in sewing to support the family, which had moved from Pakistan. When Lee forgot to hide his stash in a friend’s car and took it into school one day, he was sent to an alternative school. There he listened to drug abuse counselors and watched videos that taught the dangerous side effects of drug use. Lee told me that he laughed through the videos because he knew that he didn’t have a problem. He could quit any time; he just didn’t want to. His parents came for the first session at the alternative school, something that I often requested with students who were bothered by substance abuse issues. Lee was candid with his parents and told them that he had no intention of quitting smoking marijuana. Seeing that Lee felt it wasn’t a problem for him, a common thought of adolescents, I took a different approach from that of his drug counselor and asked him how smoking marijuana helped him. He told me that it helped him to mellow out and relax. At home, he said, his parents fight all the time because his father lost his job and then his mother yells at him to do his chores. This, he said, had gone on for several years. I told him that I understood but was concerned. He said “Miss, I can’t promise you anything like quitting. I’ve got too much going on.” I told him that I didn’t want him to promise me anything. Instead, I was interested in what he wanted. He quickly sat up and said, “I want a car.” His father said that he could not afford a car and that if Lee wanted one, he would have to get a job and start saving. Lee said that he had been filling in applications for some neighborhood grocery stores. Lee’s goal gave me an idea. I began talking to him about how unfortunate it would be, some day in the future, when the marijuana habit interfered with his getting a car. He seemed puzzled. I mentioned that sometimes grocery stores do drug screens. How awful, I said, that marijuana could ruin his chance at a car. He was, after all, such a good student (he made B’s). I then went on to commend him on wanting a car and wanting to be independent. I also commended him on knowing that he needed a job and taking action to get one. He was, I said, being rather responsible for a 15-year-old. His parents began looking at him slightly differently, smiling at their son and acknowledging that he was indeed a “good boy.” At the end of the session, I told Lee that all I wanted him to do during the next week was to think about the car and how he could keep the marijuana from interfering with his goal of getting one. He said again, “Miss, I can’t promise you anything.” I then acknowledged with a smile, “I don’t want you to. I just want you to think about what you want.”

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A week later Lee told me that he had not smoked marijuana since I had talked to him. He began our conversation, “Miss, I can’t promise you anything, but, you know, it would not be fair if pot interfered with my getting a car. I don’t know if I can stop using it. I think I can, but for now, I need to get a job.” I saw Lee throughout the last two years of high school. Occasionally he would slip and smoke marijuana, but his habit decreased dramatically. When I saw him recently in a computer store working full time, planning to go to a nearby community college, he was bright and articulate as he described how he had graduated from high school, landed his job, bought his car and had a new girlfriend. He looked different, and I mentioned that to him. He leaned in and quietly said, “Yeah, I stopped doing some things that were interfering with my life … but, Miss, I can’t promise I’ll do that forever,” with a smile. I smiled back and told him I would like to see his car someday.

To Gain Cooperation, Seek the Need for the Habit Not all students bothered by substance abuse issues make good decisions like Lee did, but this approach has provided me with a respectful way to work with adolescents who think drug use is helpful to them in some way. Most people use substances (alcohol or drugs) or engage in cutting, eating disorders or other dangerous habits to help them deal with or enjoy life. Those who use healthier coping skills have a hard time understanding such unhealthy behaviors and often scold those unhealthy persons, alienating them and making them rebel even more. It seems more helpful to try to understand how the behavior is helpful, not why students use substances or engage in these behaviors. This change will earn the students’ trust. The following question is one that I often use with adolescents engaging in harmful behaviors: “I am trying to understand how this activity helps you, but I have a question for you to think about: How will you know, someday soon, when this problem gets bigger than you?” Students are caught off guard by this question. What makes this question work? Adolescents are, by nature, egocentric. When they begin to think that anything—their parents, school, the police or even their problem with cutting—could possibly get bigger than they are, they stop and think. Many students I have asked this question of, have given me answers such as the following: • • • • • • • •

I will drink all of the time. I will not have any money because I will spend all of it on drugs. I may cut deeper and bleed more. I would stop going to school. I would give drugs to my sister. I would fail all of my classes. I might lose my job. I wouldn’t care about anything else.

Guiding Students through Habits and Crises 189 I write down their answers as they tell me and continue to ask, “What else?” until I have at least seven or eight answers. I then make a copy of the list, keeping one for my file and giving the adolescent the original. I tell them as they leave: “I realize that you aren’t ready to make a big change right now and don’t want to talk about it. But I am concerned that someday this may get bigger. This week, watch for signs whether it is in control or you.” Whether it is my phrasing or my sincerity, most of the students I have worked with and continue to work with come back and tell me that they often continue to think about whether they should cut back on their habit. I again acknowledge to them that I am quite impressed that they were thinking of changing. I then ask how much the problem was interfering that week. When I learn that it interfered slightly with school performance or their home life, I mention that it is unfortunate that it is taking over their life. Then we begin talking about how the student can begin to regain control of the habit so that it doesn’t control him. This conversation continues in our sessions, and each week we discuss times when the student did not use, and I inquire, “How were you able to do that?” This method of externalizing the problem, which has been discussed often in this book, is another way to take a label off of a student and let the student sit back and scrutinize something that is interfering with their life. This approach is quite different than just telling them they are ruining their lives, on the way to addiction or rehabilitation. Instead, it allows the student to be watchful over their own lives and decide on their own whether they like giving up control that easily to a substance.

Scare Tactics? Do They Work? Schools have made many attempts to stop students from using drugs and engaging in selfharming behaviors. Each spring there are staged alcohol-related accidents that take place in front of high schools to demonstrate the lethality of drinking and driving. These programs mean well, but they primarily get the attention of the students who participate in the staged accident, while the rest of the student body gazes at the project casually. When I was a high school counselor, our school staged a program, which involved many devoted community members. That program, created by the Texas Alcoholic Beverage Commission in 2001, was a fine educational program that combined the dangers of drinking and driving and sought to educate students about the consequences. It definitely contributed to the knowledge base of students, particularly juniors and seniors in high school, about alcohol abuse and use. The students who were allowed to participate in the program were those who received parental permission. The other students who perhaps needed to be involved in such a program were not allowed to because their parents did not want to participate with the student. (Refer to Chapter Nine as to why this was a bad idea!) After watching the process, I found that the speakers who talked with the students in the assembly that followed the staged accident had the most impact. Students were quiet and stunned as people who had lost their child to an accident spoke of the sadness that had

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enveloped their lives forever. Students cried, and many left the gym somber. To follow up, I spoke with students in several classes later that day. Many of them liked the speakers but thought the staged accident was silly. They weren’t taking things as seriously as we had hoped. So, I asked them: “Raise your hand if you have known someone who has been injured or killed by a drunk driver.” To my amazement, in each classroom that I visited, at least three students out of 25 raised their hands. I then talked with the class for a while on what it was like for them to recall their friends being involved in such an accident. I asked them what impact it had on them. I asked them what those friends might advise them to do on prom night, which was approaching. The responses I received seemed genuine and thoughtful, and the message that circulated throughout the classroom was theirs, not mine. I thanked them for their time and left. The solution-focused approach helped me to cultivate such conversations in an effort to: • • • •

Understand what the adolescent’s viewpoint is on a timely subject which is everything to an adolescent, to be heard. Help the adolescent develop alternative strategies for dealing with pressures, which they did, and those strategies became theirs. Respect the adolescent’s feelings and need to comply with peers’ expectations. That let me into their minds and opened up possibilities for me to talk with them. Create an opportunity to think differently about a sensitive subject, and they did!

This experience taught me that whenever school counselors, teachers or other school staff members design and implement a prevention or proactive program, it is important to involve students in the design, intervention and discussion. It creates ownership.

Involving Student Input after Crises Gives Them Direction Consult with your principal, associate principals, student council sponsor and counseling colleagues about any new program you decide to start. Check out how the program is to be planned and executed and see how the students will be involved. Push for programming that involves student input, consulting with student council members as well as students who rarely get involved. When at-risk students become involved in healthy programs, a ripple effect occurs that is unstoppable. Their peers begin to take notice as the at-risk student supports the program. This creates an influence on a population that needs attention and gives these students opportunities to mingle with healthier students. Make sure that the programming teaches as well as reaches students. And get the faculty involved, asking them to integrate ideas into their classroom. For example, I was involved in an HIV-AIDS prevention program that was written for the American Red Cross (Metcalf and Chilton, 1994). This project involved each classroom teacher and requested that the teachers integrate the informational subject matter into their lesson plans. All teachers were to use the information in their lesson plans as appropriate. These are some of the activities suggested:

Guiding Students through Habits and Crises 191 Social studies: Art: Language arts:

Teachers asked: “How have other epidemics affected various societies?” Students painted or drew the many “faces” of diseases such as HIV. Students read stories of the Holocaust and talked about the devastation of losing human life. Math: Students examined the statistics of HIV complications and how its numbers could multiply if a cure was not found. Science: Students discussed how HIV was contracted and how it could be prevented. Physical education: Students researched athletes who had contracted diseases such as HIV and had their careers destroyed. Because the material was integrated into the regular classroom, the week that the program was presented, the students were inundated with information that was applicable. And since their teachers promoted the program through their participation, the message was clear: we took the time to share this with you because you matter to us.

Helping Students with Grief and Loss The solution-focused approach offers questions to assist school clients with dealing with loss by searching for times when the loss impacts them less. However, I have also noticed that when talking with school clients that are experiencing loss, there is a need to talk about the person. So, a way to begin conversations with students who have lost someone is to ask about the person: “Tell me about your Dad and the things you loved about him.” I think it is also important to talk about the person who has been lost in a way that fond memories begin to overtake the loss. In Michael White’s article, Saying Hello, Again: The Incorporation of the Lost Relationship in the Resolution of Grief (1988) Michael talks about the helpfulness of bringing forward the relationship between the person who is left behind and the person who is lost. The following questions are formed from Michael White’s work and changed slightly to fit the understanding of children and adolescents more easily. If you were seeing yourself through your Dad’s eyes right now, what would you be noticing about yourself that you could appreciate? What difference would it make to how you feel if you could see that in yourself right now? What is it like to recall and bring alive the enjoyable things that your Dad knew about you? What difference would it make to you to keep these thoughts alive on a day to day basis? What difference would feeling this way make to taking steps to get back into life? How could you let others know that you have reclaimed some of the discoveries that your Dad saw in you and want to hold on to them? What might you do? How would being aware of those things that your Dad saw, help you reclaim your days ahead in a way you like? By doing these things, what do you think you will learn about yourself? (White, 1988, pp. 30–31)

Making It through Desperate Times Like some adolescents, many children share frustrations and have even fewer methods of coping with their feelings. Jenny Jacobs, a school counselor in Flower Mound, Texas,

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worked with a ten-year-old child in her school who became very upset whenever it rained. She learned from the child that her parents had divorced and that she and her mother had moved to Texas, far from her verbally abusive father. The father was apparently so upset that his ex-wife took his daughter away from him that he told them to think about this, “Whenever it rains in Texas, that means I am going to come down and hurt you both.” These words were so harmful that Susie burst into tears whenever the first raindrop fell. In spite of his threats, the father still had supervised visitation rights, and Susie was not only having to cope with the springtime rain showers but had to think about the upcoming spring break when she would have to visit her father. Working with Susie, Jacobs used the miracle question to help Susie step out of the story that had been written for her by her father and construct a new story regarding the rain using finger puppets. Jacobs began as follows: JJ: SUSIE: JJ: SUSIE: JJ: SUSIE: JJ:

SUSIE:

Let’s talk about what you will say to your father when you see him next week. Okay. I have some puppets here. Let’s pretend that one is you and the other is your father. Here we go. “Hi, Susie, how is school?” My dad would never ask me about school. I don’t think it matters to him that I get good grades. Okay. That seems hard for you. Let’s do something different then. Would you like to draw while we talk? Yes. Okay, listen to this question. Suppose tonight when you were sleeping, a miracle happened. When you woke up, it would be raining, but you wouldn’t be afraid of the rain. What do you think you would be thinking about to make that happen? I read a book about something like that once. I think it would look like this.

Susie began to draw rain clouds, but instead of drawing rain-drops falling from the sky, she drew hamburgers, lemons and other kinds of food. Jacobs’s intervention was helpful to Susie in that it allowed her to reconstruct a story that was less scary than the actual situation. As the session concluded, Jacobs continued to ask about the miracle day when rain looked like hamburgers and lemons. Jacobs and Susie had a good time talking and laughing about the new “rain”. One week after the session, it rained. Instead of crying and feeling anxious, Susie was able to stay calm. When Jacobs visited her on that rainy afternoon, Susie was able to visualize the rain as hamburgers, lemons and strawberry jelly. Situations such as the one that Jacobs worked with can be frustrating to school counselors, yet the solutionfocused approach offers a way to be helpful. Being able to construct an alternative story for a child or adolescent who feels frustrated and unhappy is rewarding for both.

Guiding Students through Habits and Crises 193

A Good Time to Lie Children and adolescents lie for a variety of reasons, and often the adults in their lives spend a lot of time telling them that “telling the truth will get you into less trouble than telling a lie.” We have heard this line and perhaps have said it ourselves. It rarely works. One adolescent told me that he lied because his parents were too strict, and he was determined to have a few more minutes of television time. Other children tell me that they are afraid of being in trouble, so they tell lies to stay out of trouble. Unfortunately, neither strategy works for them either. One method that I have used with children and adolescents that lends itself to cooperate with the child’s or adolescent’s belief that lying can be helpful to them is to say: “Tell me a good time to lie.” The first response back from both children and adolescents is usually, “But there really isn’t a good time.” Then I can acknowledge their wisdom that there is never a good time to lie, and together we talk about times that they chose the time wrong and it did not work for them. The goal of such an odd but alternative conversation is to give the child or adolescent a new perception of lying. Then I ask the student to go through the next day or two and ask himself or herself, when tempted to lie, “Is this a good time to lie?” If the parents are involved, I ask the student to decide if it is a good time to lie, and if it is not, to go directly to his or her parent and say: “I have thought about it, and this is not a good time to lie, so I am going to tell you the truth.” I instruct the parents to be delighted when this happens and to hug their child or offer some other positive response. This allows the parents to see a new effort on behalf of their child, and it gives the child a chance to prove that he or she is thinking before lying. The sequence of events changes, the meanings of the lie change, and new behaviors have a chance to emerge. The same strategy can also be used with taking things from others without asking or stealing.

How about a Coupon? Teachers often ask whether the solution-focused process is applicable to all students. I often reply that as long as a student has an average cognitive ability, the process can be helpful. The following story was written by Nishani S. Grigsby, a school counselor, who uses the solution-focused approach in Fort Worth, Texas. Katy was a 21-year-old student with an intellectual mental disability and a medically fragile condition due to a rare liver disorder. At age 19, her full-scale IQ on the WISC [Wechsler Intelligence Scale for Children]–III was 45. Her verbal score was a 52 and her performance was 48. She was still being educated in public school, which continued until her twenty-second birthday. Her parents frequently sought care from a long-time respite provider named Amy. There was a brief period where the family terminated services with Amy. During that period, Amy had another child. The family recently requested Amy’s respite services again. Katy began acting anxious, and when I inquired of her job coach what had changed, her coach mentioned that she was going to Amy’s again. I asked Katy to come and visit with me in my office. This was our conversation:

194 NG: K: NG: K: NG: K: NG: K: NG: K: NG: K:

NG: K: NG: K: NG: K: NG: K: NG: K: NG: K: K: NG: K:

NG: K: NG: K: NG:

Applications of the Approach Tell me about what happens at Amy’s. The kids yap, and Amy spanks them. They cry. They fight. The kids get on Amy’s nerves. What do you do when all of that happens? I go to my room. I clip coupons. I run away. You run away? How often has that happened? One time. What happened after you ran away? My dad came and got me and told me don’t run away. Can you think of a time when the kids are not fighting? Yes. What do you do? Sometimes Amy takes me to Sonic or Mexican Inn. I help her load the dishwasher; I help empty the trash. I help with the groceries; I get candy or gum. I watch TV alone in Amy’s bedroom. What do you like to watch? Scary movies. What else is happening when things are better? I notice Christian [Amy’s son] is growing big. Coupons. Alexis [Amy’s youngest daughter] goes to my house. So, let’s talk about what you can do when things are feeling a little uncomfortable. Cut coupons. That sounds like a great idea. I want you to close your eyes and pretend that you are asleep. When you wake up things are different. What would that be like? There would be a castle, fresh fruit, hash browns, Tater Tots, coconut cream pie, key lime pie, pecan pie and three kids. Who are the kids? Britney Spears, Nick Lachey, Jessie McCartney. Music playing at the house. We had punch, Chex Mix, nachos, Fritos. We see movies called Strangers. What do you do in the castle? I eat peas, mashed potatoes, onion rings. I want to make another story.NG: What is the title of this story? She Has a Garden. Okay. Tell me about the garden. She grows onions and cucumbers. One day me and Mom went to Wal-Mart and saw Brad Parker with big muscles and a Fossil watch. Saltwater taffy, Cherry Coke, Tater Tots. Amy went to bingo at 6:45. Watched Saw II. We bought pickles, Pam Spray. She bought Hungry Jack, gave it to Erin, I got $20.00. I bought DVD Survivors. On Monday February 6, I had a birthday. That’s it. Both of your stories sound very interesting. Which one is more like the place you would like to be when the kids are getting on Amy’s nerves? The castle. One of the things you mentioned doing in the castle that you liked was cutting coupons. Is that something that you can do at Amy’s? Yes. When the kids are fighting, do you think you could go to your room and cut coupons?K: Yes.

[Nishani noticed that Katy brightened up substantially after their talk and whenever she had a tough day at Amy’s, Nishani would invite Katy to want to talk about the castle. It

Guiding Students through Habits and Crises 195 became her reprieve. It became her solution. Even in a special education classroom, the solutions developed from exceptions that only Katy could dream of].

When a Student Passes Away One morning, the high school secretary where I worked received the phone call that a 16-year-old student had suddenly passed away. The news swept quickly, and hysteria broke out in the hallways. Immediately the counselors took the most distraught students to a comfortable classroom, where they began talking with the students. After the students calmed down and were able to begin processing what had happened, the counselors began talking to the students in this manner: “Tell us about Lauren. What was she like?” “What do you remember about her that is important to you?” The questions caused students to cry and laugh, giggle and joke about Lauren and all of the things they loved to do with her. The idea of asking students who were mourning the loss of Lauren were influenced by those of Michael White, who composed elegant questions for clients who had suffered personal loss. White (1989) wrote, “I formulated and introduced questions that I hoped would open up the possibility for persons to reclaim their relationship with the lost loved one” (p. 29). Then I said: “How can we begin to honor Lauren?” “Where shall we begin?” The process of working with the students led them to design a banner for Lauren on which they wrote notes and affectionate remarks. The banner was laid across the auditorium stage for a week so that any student could add a message. When completed, the banner was given to Lauren’s parents, who were touched by the students’ thoughtfulness. As a result, I have always leaned toward asking students in a crisis what we need to do next that they would find helpful. One fourth grade class that experienced their friend being killed by a drive by shooting, decided to pick a place in the hallway where he often congregated with his friends in the morning. They decorated the hallway and left it up for weeks to remember him. In my university, a few years ago, a young graduate student lost his life in a fatal car accident. I talked with students in his class the evening after he passed away and found them very traumatized and sad about his death. At first, they would barely look at me. Slowly, I asked them to tell me about him: “You all knew Joe better than anyone … he was in your cohort. Tell me who he was.” Slowly, the conversation began, and even though some students did not speak up, those who did were soon telling funny stories about Joe. “He loved pizza. He loved partying…a bit too much! He liked cheering us all up when we were studying for tests. You could always depend on him to get in your face with a smile. He loved his job working with children. He was good at it. He helped us to work with

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From that point, the atmosphere in the class lightened up and I began asking: “So, how can we celebrate who he was and who he was to you?” Again, slowly, they came up with things such as a balloon launch, or pizza at the next class meeting. Eventually, over several months, a brick for the school was engraved with his name, donated by another student. When the cohort graduates, they plan on asking the university president if Joe can also graduate posthumously with them.

Calming the Storm How can the solution-focused approach work in a crisis situation? Because of its versatility and ability to cooperate with a student’s feelings, the solution-focused process helps to calm students by asking them to think about what they can do at the moment to bring about a small bit of change and relief. By listening and then asking questions such as the miracle question, students are able to set their own direction. The following guide for crisis situations offers students the chance to be heard and then to decide what they want different in their lives. The guide can be used for individual situations or a mass disaster. From there, the solution-focused school counselor becomes a coach who helps the students understand how they had solved other critical situations before.

Solution-Focused Approach to Crisis Intervention 1

Listen and empathize with the student. Refrain from any advice giving or telling the student that things will be better.

2

Set a very small goal for the moment. “What can we talk about or do right now that might help?” With all of these issues occurring at once, which one do you think would be best to focus on “If your best friend were here, what would he say would make your friendship better?” “I know things are difficult. What would you suggest doing differently, just for a day, to begin moving forward?”

3

Set strategies based on exceptions. Only ideas presented by the student should be discussed as possible solutions or strategies to cope at the moment. “Tell me, what have you done before when times have been tough?” “What else?” “Who did your turn to?” “What did they do that helped?”

4

Follow up with the student and start the conversation off with: “What’s better?” This will pave the way further for more solution building and lessen the possibility of retraumatizing the school client.

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Summary A client once told Michael White, that it seemed like there were always boulders dropping in front of him, causing him problems. He said he did not know what to do or why they kept appearing. He asked Michael what to do the next time he encountered another boulder. Michael replied: “Look behind you at all of the other boulders you have gone around. How did you get around them?” This chapter has attempted to share with you how to deal with crises that happen in a school. There are many new crises and situations that occur in our world. This revision was written during the Covid-19 pandemic, which had educators panicking as to how to deal with the crisis. Many people kept asking professionals how to cope and received suggestions that just did not fit. The panic got worse. The solutionfocused approach helped me and my clients during the pandemic when we began reflecting how we dealt with other crises in our lives, and other drastic changes, even if they were smaller than those brought on by the pandemic. Soon, there was a slight calmness that took us over, due to a recognition that we had made it through other tough times. How we deal with things is as unique as the person. Well intentioned advice may not work, and as a result, may make school clients feel worse. When you are tempted to help too much, notice, instead, the amazing skills in your students. Be amazed at their resilience, abilities and assets, even when their behaviors hide those qualities. By doing so, you both will discover solutions that will set you free and then continue to take you around other boulders that you may face in the future. The good news will be that by discovering your own solutions, you will be ready.

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School Counselor Practice Task: Chapter Ten This week think back over times in your life when you faced a crisis. How did you get by and make it the next week and the next month? What values did you tap into that guided you through? What did your best friend or relatives see you do? By getting through the crisis, what did you come to recognize about yourself? As a result of that recognition, what did you realize about yourself that perhaps you had not noticed before? Who did you become as a result? How did who you became assist you with the next boulder in your life?

Thank you for trusting my words to become part of your life. -Linda Metcalf

References Metcalf, L. & Chilton, S. (1994). PALS for life. Waco, TX: American Red Cross. White, M. (1988). Saying hello again: the incorporation of the lost relationship of grief: collected papers. Adelaide, South Australia: Dulwich Centre Publications. White, M. (1989). Selected papers. Adelaide, South Australia: Dulwich Centre.

Index

abuse 47, 129–34 actions: language guided by 28 amazement 42 American School Counseling Association 48 anger 118 anxiety 3–4 AP classes 151 assumptions 13–14 at-risk students 124–25, 179, 190 bad habits 64, 128–29, 187–90 Bam, the Wizard 129 behavior referral 23 best hopes question 54–56, 96, 161 Bienek, Marisa 108 blamestorming 128 Boehmer, Ellen 94 Bradshaw, Detharickale T. 38 building on skills 22–23 Center for Child Development 173 certificates 49, 136–37 change: amplifying strengths for 76; in families 157–58; insight and 39; motivation for 22; responsibility for 91; by students 91–94 classroom management 81–82 Classroom Solutions: WOWW approach 144 collaboration 29 college: applying to 151–52; misinformation about 151; readiness for 149–50 communication: with school staff 32; solutionfocused conversations as 70 compassion 84 competence 28, 152 competency-based conversations 69 complaints 19, 23–24 complex problems 18 complimenting 96, 149 conference 22, 183 confidence 126–28 Connie, Elliott 157–58 conversations, solution-focused see solutionfocused conversations coping 42–43, 134–35, 147, 191 Covid-19 pandemic 197

Creative Strategies for School Problems 90 crises: death of student 195–96; grief 191; loss 191; for school counselor 198; solutionfocused approach for 196; student input after 190–91 culture 122–23 curiosity 42, 144 cutting 146–47 Dangerous Minds 159 de Shazer, Steve 177 death of student 195–96 defensiveness 179 depression 45–46, 173 diagnoses 29 dignity 53 distractability 27 divorce 155 Dolan, Yvonne 130, 134 drinking and driving 189 Durant, Michael 90 Dweck, Carol 143–44, 146 e-mail 20 emotional abuse 47 emotional barriers 137 empathy/empathizing 14, 16–17, 21, 56, 196 engagement 16 English as a Second Language 14 Epston, David 17, 35–37, 160 ESL see English as a Second Language Even, Trigg 146 exceptions: description of 28, 39–42, 56, 96–97; for families 161, 167; grit from 141–43; strategies based on 196 expectations 90, 124–25 externalizing: of anger 118; conversations about 45–46; of problems 43–46, 125, 133, 189; trauma scaled down through 47–48 facilitators of learning 74 families: best hopes question for 161; creating change in 157–58; exceptions for 161, 167; helping of 156–57; preferred future for 161, 167; scaling questions for 161–62, 167–68; in

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Index

school settings 156–57, 159–62, 173; stress in 155; student referral for problems involving 173; student’s lives affected by dynamics of 173; template for communicating with 162; see also parent(s) family counseling 159–60 Family Therapy Centre 35 Federal Data summary School Years 2014–15 to 2017–17, Education for Homeless Children and Youth 123 Fielding, Linda 147–49 fighting 58–59 “frequent flyers” 10 frustration 191–92 Fulghum, Robert 85 Furman, Ben 128 Garza Code of Honor 124, 178 Garza High School 124, 177–78 Gerrard, Brian 173 gifted students 87–90 goal developments 68 goal statements 68 grief 109–10, 191 Grigsby, Nishani S. 193–95 grit: college readiness and 152; exceptions and 141–43; solution-focused approach for 143–45 grit growing questions 141–43 growth mindset 146 hierarchy of needs 175, 184 HIV-AIDS prevention program 190–91 homeless students 83–84, 123, 125 impossible requests 60–61 In Search of Solutions 17 insights 19, 39 Insoo Kim Berg 104, 120, 144 “invisible” punishment 117 Iveson, Chris 37, 54 Jacobs, Jenny 191–92 Johnson, Louanne 159 Kids’ Skills 128 knowledge 149 labels 28–29 lack of confidence 126–27 language: actions for guiding 28; application to situations 38–39; pre-suppositional 144; questions constructed using 37–38 leadership opportunities 149 learning: facilitators of 74; social emotional 14, 18 lesson plans: students in 81–82 letter writing 37 LGBTQ students 119–22 list making 55–56 listening 56, 65

Long, Tricia 42 loss 61, 109–10, 191 lying 193 Maslow, Abraham 175–76, 184 Maybe (Maybe Not) 85 meetings 79 mental health issues 125, 127 mental illness 125, 127 mindset: growth 146; solution-focused approach 11–12, 124, 137 Mindset: The New Psychology of Success 143 miracle question 55, 104, 106–8, 111, 113, 192, 196 misbehavior 38, 117 mission statement 178 motivation 22 Narrative Means to Therapeutic Ends 17 narrative therapy 3, 44 Narrative Therapy in Wonderland 160 National Center for Homeless Youth 123 neuropathways 28 nonpathological approach 17 Northern Exposure 24 note taking 36–37 note writing 58 O’Hanlon, William Hudson 17 Ouer, Rebkka 120 parent(s): case study of 164–67; communicating with 107; competencies of 168–69; miracle question used by 106; passionate 61–62; personal lives of 168; problem-solving role of 164–67; put-downs by 21; resistance by 94; suspending beliefs about 17; see also families parenting 162–63 passionate parents 61–62 physical abuse 47 Piaget, Jean 75 power struggles 90–91 praise 42, 143–44 preferred future 55, 57, 96, 104, 110, 129–31, 161, 167, 176 pre-suppositional language 144 problem(s): complex 18; externalizing of 43–46, 125, 133, 189; miracle question for dealing with 110–11; negative description of 33; redescribing of 33; success in overcoming 136–37 problematic behaviors 33 problematic thinking 11 problem-focused approach 25, 53, 104 PSAT 151 punishment: prevention of 181–83 questions: application to situations 38–39; asking of 40; best hopes 54–55; grit-growing 141–43; language to construct 37–38; miracle

Index 201 55, 104, 106–8, 111, 113, 192, 196; scaling 23, 65–66, 133, 161–62, 167–68 reauthoring 32–33 Reaves, Kathryn 76 redescribing 28–29, 33–34, 46 redescription 17 relational engagement 176–77 reputation-building exercise 181 requests, impossible 60–61 resiliency 123, 142, 146 resistance 17, 21, 94–95 resistant students 17 resolution 6 Resolving Sexual Abuse 130 Restorative Practice approach 145 ripple effect 10, 20, 98, 190 Rodenberg-Lewis, Stephanie 81 Roth, Janet 133 RTI meetings 20 sadness 64–65 SAT 151 Saying Hello, Again: The Incorporation of the Lost Relationship in the Resolution of Grief 191 scaling questions: description of 23, 65–66, 94, 133; for families 161–62, 167–68 scare tactics 189–90 scheduling 59–60, 150 Schiltz, Lee 144 school: family counseling in 156–57, 159–62, 173; Garza High School case study 124, 177–78; mission statement for 178; solutionfocused climate in 17, 177 school clients: coping by 144; externalizing of problems 43–46; listening to 65; meeting with 88; note writing to 58; traumatic situations 48; types of 65 school refusal: case study of 35–36; miracle question and 101–4; solution-focused conservation for 5–6 school staff: communication with 32; resistant 94–95 school violence 175–85 secondary schools 85–86 self-actualization 175, 184 self-harming behaviors 189 self-perception 19 self-worth 125 sexual abuse 47, 129–34 sexuality 121–22 shame 134 Shannon, Nicole 181–83 situations: exceptions in 40; language applied to 38–39; questions applied to 38–39 skills 149 social emotional learning 14, 18 solution-focused approach: case study of 193–95; college readiness 149–51; crisis intervention

through 196; dreams and 104; exercises for 25, 138, 153, 174; grit growing through 143–45; guidelines for 16–21; ideas behind 39; meetings using 79; as mindset 11–12, 124, 137; problemfocused approach versus 25, 53; for sexually abused students 132–34 solution-focused award 98 Solution-Focused Brief Therapy with the LGBT Community 120 solution-focused conversations 53–73; case studies of 58–70; as communication 70; developing of 53–56; for fighting 58–59; for impossible requests 60–61; for loss 61; for passionate parents 61–62; ripple effect 10; for sadness 64–65; for scheduling 59–60; for school refusal 5–6; steps involved in 56–58; for teacher/student conflict 62–63; teambased 170 solution-focused narrative therapy 3 solution-focused principles 75–76 solution-focused process 13 solution-focused school climate 17, 177 solution-focused teams 169–73 solution-focused training 114, 138, 153, 174 solutions: internalizing of 45 story development 134–36 strengths 76 student(s): abusive 85; at-risk 124–25, 179, 190; behavior referral for 23, 176; blaming of 90; change by 91–94; in classroom management 81–82; college readiness of 149–50; complimenting of 95–96; death of 195–96; defensiveness by 179; defining of goals 17–18; encouraging of 86; expectations of 90, 124–25; gifted 87–90; homeless 83–84, 123, 125; input from, after crises 190–91; inspiring of 85; lack of change by 91–92; in lesson plans 81–82; LGBTQ 119–22; meeting with 89–90; mental health needs of 82–83; resistant 17; self-worth of 125; skill development in 128–29; solutionfocused approach to 84; student/student conflict 63–64; suspending beliefs about 17; talking to 34–35; talking with 104; teachers and 78–81, 84; teacher/student conflict 62–63; team engagement with 172, 183; vulnerability of 90 substance abuse 125, 146 success certificates 136–37 system: communication with 32; definition of 20; in solution-focused conservation 10 systemic approach 6–7 systems theory 20, 155, 158–59 Tales of Solutions: A Collection of HopeInspiring Stories 120 talking to students 34–35 teacher(s): compassion by 84; cooperating with 86; counseling of 85; externalizing conversations with 45–46; helping of 85; “invisible” punishment used by 117; lack of

202

Index

change by 91–92; new 104–6; put-downs by 21; resistance by 91; staying in loop 82–83; students and 78–81, 84; working with 86–87 teacher/student conflict 62–63 teams: solution-focused 169–73; solutionfocused conversations 170; student engagement with 172, 183; working with 169 temper tantrums 46–47, 155 thoughts: suspending of 13 timeline 48–49 “tomorrow question” 104 trauma: coping with 134–35; externalizing used to scale down 47–48; preferred future after

129–31; sexual abuse 47, 129–34; story development for dealing with 134–36; talking to students about 104 verbalizing of feelings 108 violence, school 175–85 Webb, Linda 124 Weiner-Davis, Michele 17 White, Michael 17, 36, 44, 58, 191, 195, 197 WOWW approach 144–45