Emotional Intelligence for Students, Parents, Teachers and School Leaders: A Handbook for the Whole School Community 9811903239, 9789811903236

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Mabel Gonzales

Emotional Intelligence for Students, Parents, Teachers and School Leaders A Handbook for the Whole School Community

Emotional Intelligence for Students, Parents, Teachers and School Leaders

Mabel Gonzales

Emotional Intelligence for Students, Parents, Teachers and School Leaders A Handbook for the Whole School Community

Mabel Gonzales Australian Executive Leadership Coaching Centre Russell Lea, NSW, Australia

ISBN 978-981-19-0323-6 ISBN 978-981-19-0324-3 (eBook) https://doi.org/10.1007/978-981-19-0324-3 © The Editor(s) (if applicable) and The Author(s), under exclusive license to Springer Nature Singapore Pte Ltd. 2022 This work is subject to copyright. All rights are solely and exclusively licensed by the Publisher, whether the whole or part of the material is concerned, specifically the rights of translation, reprinting, reuse of illustrations, recitation, broadcasting, reproduction on microfilms or in any other physical way, and transmission or information storage and retrieval, electronic adaptation, computer software, or by similar or dissimilar methodology now known or hereafter developed. The use of general descriptive names, registered names, trademarks, service marks, etc. in this publication does not imply, even in the absence of a specific statement, that such names are exempt from the relevant protective laws and regulations and therefore free for general use. The publisher, the authors and the editors are safe to assume that the advice and information in this book are believed to be true and accurate at the date of publication. Neither the publisher nor the authors or the editors give a warranty, expressed or implied, with respect to the material contained herein or for any errors or omissions that may have been made. The publisher remains neutral with regard to jurisdictional claims in published maps and institutional affiliations. This Springer imprint is published by the registered company Springer Nature Singapore Pte Ltd. The registered company address is: 152 Beach Road, #21-01/04 Gateway East, Singapore 189721, Singapore

I dedicate this book to my darling husband David and my precious children Victor and Caroline.

Preface

Life in the twenty-first century has become more complex and challenging. More and more people worldwide are suffering from mental health issues that also lead to physical health challenges. Relationship breakdowns are causing increased family and social problems. Workplace stress and tension are causing burnout and discontentment. A lack of social-awareness is weakening government commitment to solving wicked problems like homelessness and the widening gap between the haves and the have-nots. It is time for us all to become more self-aware, other-aware and societyand community-aware to help solve these problems. This book aims to heighten readers’ awareness of the importance of Emotional Intelligence (EI) and how it impacts our lives. It aims to inspire parents, teachers and school leaders to learn more about EI as a process of self-improvement and a set of relational skills, and to help our students to develop it from the early stages of their lives. It presents theories and models of EI along with research-based evidence about how our emotions affect our cognition, behaviour and relationships. Its logical structure guides readers from knowledge to practice by presenting an overview of each topic followed by in-depth applications and research data from scholarly writings. It can therefore facilitate advancements in EI practice in areas such as education, family relational understanding, organisational behaviour and management, and public health and harmony. The book covers a wide range of topics on EI, giving in-depth explorations of each topic to suit a wide readership, from advanced students and parents to educational professionals, workplace leaders and top-level executives. Its informationdense content covers major areas of interest spanning school education, workplace development and family life. The author is able to capture readers’ attention with gripping messages in every chapter to show them the benefits of EI in different situations. The writing is easy to read but the content is deep. The chapters are clearly structured and numbered with sub-topics to clarify, expand or illuminate the main idea, completing the big picture with evidence-based literature citations. The anecdotal examples bring to life the theoretical arguments and are easily relatable to anyone in any relationships.

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The four parts of the book are aimed at different groups, and each chapter can be read as a stand-alone essay on a specific topic. Key points are highlighted in bullets to present essential information quickly and effectively. The tone of the book is positive and inspirational, with enticing cues to capture the reader’s curiosity to read on. The book has received positive reviews from leadership coaches, workplace EI counsellors and school principals who all look forward to buying a copy for their organisation. Part I: Understanding Emotional Intelligence and Our Emotions explains the importance of Emotional Intelligence to every aspect of our lives. It presents models and theories of EI, and explains how our emotions control our minds, bodies and spirits. Drawing on references from scientific research literature, it describes how, if we do not control our emotions, they will control us, leading to poor choices and negative consequences. It also describes how our hormones affect our emotions and our emotions affect our cognitive ability, behaviour and health. Finally, it presents some strategies to increase our EI. Part II: Emotional Intelligence and Relationships gives insights into the significant role that emotions play in our relationships with others. It discusses the emotions involved in family relationships, marital relationships, parent-child relationships, sibling relationships and peer relationships, and sheds light on how awareness of our emotions can help us prevent and resolve relationship conflicts, build positive relationships and lead a healthy and happy life. Part III: Emotional Intelligence and Workplace Success takes the reader from family to the workplace and highlights the importance of becoming more aware of our emotions and how we relate to others at work. By developing a more vivid understanding of ourselves and our emotions at work, we can both relate to others better and work more effectively. Part III also discusses the importance of leadership, and how leadership EI can improve organisational effectiveness and create a positive work environment. Some practical guides and suggestions for how to increase workplace EI are also provided. Part IV: Emotional Intelligence and School Education emphasises the importance of helping students to develop essential EI in order to face the increasingly complex and challenging world they live in. It discusses the relationship between emotions and mental health, and how students, parents and teachers can work collaboratively to help young people avoid or overcome mental health issues. It also presents studies of teachers’ emotions and how they can affect students, stressing the importance of preparing teachers to be more emotionally intelligent not only for their own self-improvement, but also to aid them in building relationships with students, and gaining a repertoire of skills and knowledge to teach EI at school level. A range of practical guides, strategies and resource links is included. Russell Lea, Australia

Mabel Gonzales

Acknowledgements

I express my deepest gratitude to Dr. Kerrie Le Lievre for her time and support throughout the writing journey of the book and edit-proofing my manuscript.

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Contents

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Understanding Emotional Intelligence . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1.1 Introduction . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1.2 What Is EI? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1.2.1 Self-Awareness . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1.2.2 Managing Emotions . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1.2.3 Empathy and Social Awareness . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1.2.4 Relationships Skills . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1.3 IQ, EQ and EI . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1.3.1 What Is IQ? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1.3.2 What Is EQ? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1.3.3 What Is EI? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1.4 Theories and Models of EI . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1.4.1 Bar-On’s EI Competencies Model . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1.4.2 Mayer, Salovey and Caruso’s EI Ability Models . . . . . . . 1.4.3 Goleman’s EI Performance Model . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1.4.4 The Trait EI Model . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1.5 Why Is EI so Important? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1.5.1 EI Enhances Our Personal Growth and Self-Improvement . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1.5.2 EI Helps Us to Understand How Emotions Impact Our Health . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1.5.3 EI Supports Us in Coping with Strong Emotions . . . . . . 1.5.4 EI Helps Us to Build Healthy Family Relationships . . . . 1.5.5 EI Enhances Positive Social and Work Relationships . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1.5.6 Make Friends and Build Support with Increased EI . . . . Resources . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . References . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

1 1 1 2 2 3 4 4 4 5 6 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 13 14 14 15 16 16

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Understanding Emotions . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 2.1 Introduction . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 2.2 Emotions and Our Mind, Body, and Spirit . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 2.2.1 How Traditional Chinese Medicine Explains Emotions and Our Body . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 2.3 Primary and Secondary Emotions . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 2.4 Emotions and Our Cognitive Processes . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 2.4.1 How Our Moods Affect Learning and Memory . . . . . . . . 2.4.2 Connections Between Emotions, Thoughts, and Beliefs . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 2.5 The Social Aspects of Emotions . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 2.5.1 Viewing Emotions with a Social Lens . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 2.5.2 Cultural Influence on Our Emotions . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 2.5.3 The Benefits of Developing Social-Emotional Intelligence . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . References . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

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Functions of Emotions . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 3.1 Introduction . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 3.2 An Evolutional Interpretation of the Functions of Emotions . . . . 3.3 Alternative Views on the Functions of Emotions . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 3.4 Say Hello to Some of Your Core Emotions . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 3.4.1 Happiness and Joy . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 3.4.2 Sadness and Depression . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 3.4.3 Pride and Embarrassment . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 3.4.4 Guilt and Shame . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 3.4.5 Anger and Frustration . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 3.4.6 Fear and Calmness . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 3.4.7 Love and Empathy . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 3.4.8 Jealousy and Hatred . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 3.5 The Functions of Emotions . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 3.5.1 Emotions Help Us to Learn About Our Basic Human Needs . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 3.5.2 Emotions Motivate Action . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 3.5.3 Emotions Help Us to Connect and Relate to Others . . . . 3.5.4 Emotions Help Us to Verify How We Think About Ourselves . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 3.5.5 Emotions Help Us to Gain Autonomy and Personal Competence . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 3.6 Emotion, Thought and Behaviour . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 3.6.1 Defence Mechanisms . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 3.7 Conclusion . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . References . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

37 37 37 39 40 40 42 44 46 48 50 52 55 58

20 23 25 26 27 27 28 29 31 32

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How to Boost Your Emotional Intelligence . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 4.1 Introduction . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 4.2 Self-Awareness . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 4.2.1 The Internal Self . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 4.2.2 The External Self . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 4.3 Other-Awareness . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 4.4 How to Increase Our Self-Awareness and Other-Awareness . . . . . 4.5 Self-Management and Relationship Management . . . . . . . . . . . . . References . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

73 73 73 75 78 80 84 85 89

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Family Relationships and EI . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 5.1 Introduction . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 5.2 Family Structures and Combinations . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 5.2.1 Types of Family Structure and Combinations . . . . . . . . . 5.2.2 Changes to Family Structure and Transition Adjustments . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 5.3 Family Dynamics . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 5.4 Factors Shaping Family Satisfaction . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 5.4.1 Unconditional Love and Strong Family Bonds . . . . . . . . 5.4.2 Personality and Personal Characteristics . . . . . . . . . . . . . 5.4.3 Interpersonal Relationships Within the Family . . . . . . . . 5.4.4 Financial Stability . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 5.4.5 Quality Family Time . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 5.4.6 Support in Stressful Situations . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 5.4.7 Life Ideals and Values . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 5.4.8 Realistic Expectations . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 5.4.9 Compatibility . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 5.4.10 Power Sharing . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 5.5 Marriage and Family . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 5.5.1 Why Do People Get Married? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 5.5.2 Factors in a Healthy Marriage . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 5.5.3 Marital Conflict . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 5.6 Emotional Intelligence in Family Relationships . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Resources . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . References . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

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Parent–Child Relationships and EI . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 6.1 Introduction . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 6.2 Parent–Child Relationships . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 6.2.1 Understanding Attachment . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 6.2.2 Adult Attachment Styles . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 6.2.3 Attachment, Emotion Regulation, and Interpersonal Relationships . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 6.3 Theories that Guide Parenting . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 6.3.1 Behavioural Theories . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 6.3.2 Cognitive Developmental Theory . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

93 95 96 96 97 98 98 99 99 99 100 100 100 101 102 102 103 105 107 109 113 113 113 114 117 118 119 119 121

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6.3.3 Psychosocial Development Theory . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 6.3.4 Social Learning Theory . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 6.4 Parenting Styles and Positive Parenting . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 6.5 Childhood Trauma and Parenting . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 6.6 Getting in Touch with Our Inner Child . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 6.7 Parenting and EI . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . References . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

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Sibling Relationships and EI . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 7.1 Introduction . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 7.2 Sibling Relationships and Our Psychosocial Development . . . . . . 7.2.1 Sibling Relationships in Childhood and Adolescence . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 7.3 Family Dynamics and Sibling Relationships . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 7.3.1 Family Context . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 7.3.2 Birth Order and Sibling Relationships . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 7.3.3 Parental Emotional Maturity and Its Impact on Sibling Relationships . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 7.3.4 Sibling Conflict and Rivalry . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 7.3.5 Parenting and Managing Sibling Relationships . . . . . . . . 7.4 Sibling Relationships in Unusual Circumstances . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 7.5 Sibling Relationships in Adulthood . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 7.6 Sibling Relationships and EI . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . References . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

139 139 139 141 142 142 143 144 146 147 150 152 155 156

Friendships and Romantic Relationships . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 8.1 Introduction . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 8.2 Friendships at Different Stages of Our Lives . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 8.2.1 Childhood Friendship . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 8.2.2 Teen Friendship . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 8.2.3 Adult Friendship . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 8.2.4 Friendships in Older Adulthood . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 8.3 Friendships in the Digital World . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 8.4 Friendship and Relationship Conflicts . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 8.5 Young Love and Romantic Relationships . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 8.6 Young Love and Romantic Relationships for People with Disabilities . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 8.7 Friendships, Romantic Relationships and EI . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Resources . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . References . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

163 163 163 164 165 168 170 171 174 177

Workplace Emotions . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 9.1 Introduction . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 9.2 The Importance of EI in the Workplace . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 9.3 Workplace Stress and Conflicts . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 9.3.1 Workplace Conflicts . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

191 191 191 195 196

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The Emotional Climate of the Workplace . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Workplace Politics . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 9.5.1 Harmful Workplace Politics . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 9.5.2 Helpful Workplace Politics . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 9.5.3 Perceptions of Workplace Politics . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 9.6 Workplace Bullying . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 9.6.1 What is Workplace Bullying? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 9.6.2 Factors Contributing to Workplace Bullying . . . . . . . . . . 9.6.3 Why Do People Bully? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 9.7 Workplace Wellbeing . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . References . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

199 201 201 203 204 205 206 206 207 208 212

10 EI and Work-Life Balance . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 10.1 Introduction . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 10.2 What Is Work-Life Balance? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 10.2.1 Factors Determining Work-Life Balance . . . . . . . . . . . . . 10.2.2 Theories on Work-Life Balance . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 10.3 Work-Life Balance and Parenthood . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 10.3.1 Working Parents and Work-Life Balance . . . . . . . . . . . . . 10.3.2 Single Parents and Work-Life Balance . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 10.3.3 Challenges Faced by Single Dads . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 10.3.4 Challenges Faced by Single Mums . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 10.3.5 Supporting Single Parents in Finding Work-Life Balance . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 10.3.6 At the Social, Community and Governmental Level . . . . 10.4 Work-Life Balance for Students . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 10.4.1 Study and Life Balance for Schoolchildren and Adolescents . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 10.4.2 Study-Work-Family Demands on University Students . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 10.4.3 Study-Work-Family Demands on International Students . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 10.4.4 Study-Work-Family Demands on Married Couples and Parents . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 10.4.5 Coping Strategies and Support . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 10.5 Using EI to Strike a Work-Life Balance . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 10.5.1 EI and Workplace Burnout . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 10.5.2 EI and Aspects of Work-Life Balance . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 10.5.3 EI and the Caring Industry . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 10.5.4 How Organisations Can Help Employees Find Work-Life Balance . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . References . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

219 219 219 220 223 226 227 229 229 230 231 232 233 234 235 235 236 236 237 238 238 239 240 241

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11 Leadership and Emotional Intelligence . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 11.1 Introduction . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 11.2 What Is Leadership? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 11.3 EI and Leadership . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 11.3.1 Models of EI . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 11.3.2 Why Is EI Important in Leadership? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 11.4 Leading with EI . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 11.4.1 Visionary Leadership . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 11.4.2 Commanding Leadership . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 11.4.3 Democratic Leadership . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 11.4.4 Coaching Leadership . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 11.4.5 Pace-Setting Leadership . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 11.4.6 Affiliative Leadership . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 11.5 The Dark Side of Leadership . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 11.5.1 What Is Dark Leadership? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 11.5.2 Factors Steering Leaders to the Dark Side . . . . . . . . . . . . 11.5.3 Types of Dark Leadership . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 11.5.4 A Trait Approach to Understanding Dark Leadership . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 11.5.5 How Leadership Strengths Can Turn Malicious . . . . . . . 11.6 How to Prevent Leaders from Being Drawn to the Dark Side . . . 11.6.1 Self-Directed Learning to Boost EI . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 11.6.2 Organisational Input to Boost EI . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . References . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

249 249 249 252 252 253 254 254 255 256 257 258 260 260 261 262 263 264 265 266 266 267 269

12 Practice Guide and Strategies to Increase EI . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 12.1 Introduction . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 12.2 Self-Awareness . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 12.3 Other Awareness (Social Intelligence) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 12.3.1 The Neuroscience of Social Intelligence . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 12.3.2 The Different Aspects of Social Intelligence . . . . . . . . . . 12.3.3 Empathy . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 12.3.4 Social Skills . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 12.4 Self-Management . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 12.4.1 Self-Control . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 12.4.2 Honesty and Transparency . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 12.4.3 Adaptability . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 12.4.4 Achievement . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 12.4.5 Optimism . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 12.5 Organizational Awareness . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 12.6 Relational Management . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Resources . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . References . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

273 273 273 277 277 278 280 281 284 284 285 285 286 287 288 289 290 291

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13 Emotional Intelligence and Adolescent Mental Health . . . . . . . . . . . . 13.1 Introduction . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 13.2 Adolescent Mental Health and EI . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 13.2.1 Eating Disorders . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 13.2.2 Digital Addiction . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 13.2.3 School Bullying . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 13.2.4 Substance Abuse . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 13.2.5 Teen Depression and Suicidal Thoughts . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 13.2.6 The School’s Role in Promoting Positive Mental Health . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 13.3 EI Models Used in Education . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 13.3.1 Ability Emotional Intelligence (AEI) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 13.3.2 Traits Emotional Intelligence (TEI) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 13.3.3 Social Emotional Intelligence (SEI) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 13.4 EI and Resilience Competency . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 13.4.1 Factors That Affect Mental Health in Children and Adolescents . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 13.4.2 EI and Resilience Competencies That Support Good Mental Health . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 13.5 The School’s Role in Supporting Students’ EI Development . . . . 13.6 Conclusion . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Resources . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . References . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

295 295 295 296 297 299 300 301

14 School Leadership and Emotional Intelligence . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 14.1 Introduction . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 14.2 Instructional Leadership . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 14.3 Organisational Leadership . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 14.3.1 Capabilities Required by School Leaders in Organisational Leadership . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 14.4 The Era of Collective Leadership . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 14.5 School Leadership and EI . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 14.5.1 The Most Common Challenges Faced by Teachers and School Leaders . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 14.5.2 Challenges and Demands at Different Stages of the Professional Journey . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 14.5.3 Transition Challenges from Teaching to School Leadership . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 14.5.4 Transitioning from Mid-Level Leadership to Senior Leadership . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . References . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 15 Emotional Intelligence and the School Community . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 15.1 Introduction . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 15.2 What Is a School Community? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 15.3 School-Community Collaboration . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

302 303 303 305 307 308 309 310 312 315 316 317 323 323 323 325 327 329 331 331 335 338 341 345 351 351 351 352

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15.4 Building an Emotionally Intelligent School Community . . . . . . . . 15.5 School Leadership in Building Collective EI . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 15.6 Teachers and EI . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 15.6.1 Teachers’ Emotional Competence . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 15.6.2 Supporting Teachers in Conflict Management . . . . . . . . . 15.7 Parent-School Partnership . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 15.7.1 Barriers in Parental Involvement . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 15.7.2 Supportive Structures to Enhance Parent-School Partnership . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 15.7.3 Key Elements in Successful Parent-School Partnership . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 15.8 The School Community and Student Leadership . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 15.8.1 Why Is Student Voice Important? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 15.8.2 Student Leadership: Putting Voice into Action . . . . . . . . 15.8.3 How to Support Student Leadership . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 15.9 Conclusion . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . References . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

353 354 358 358 360 363 363

16 Helping Students to Develop Emotional Intelligence . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 16.1 Introduction . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 16.2 Teacher Efficacy in Facilitating SEL in School Education . . . . . . 16.2.1 Classroom Conflicts . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 16.2.2 Effective Conflict Management Strategies . . . . . . . . . . . . 16.3 What Should Schools Focus on to Increase Students’ EI? . . . . . . 16.4 Current EI Programs Used in Schools Worldwide . . . . . . . . . . . . . 16.4.1 Digital Games for SEL . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 16.5 Practical Teaching Strategies . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 16.6 Conclusion . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . References . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

377 377 378 383 384 385 388 390 393 397 398

365 365 367 368 369 370 371 371

List of Tables

Table 2.1 Table 2.2 Table 3.1

Emotions described in Plutchik’s wheel . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Collectivist and individualist emotions . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Emotions and adaptative behaviours as described by Plutchik . . .

25 31 39

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Chapter 1

Understanding Emotional Intelligence

1.1 Introduction Our emotions play a vital role in our general wellbeing and mental health. They affect how we manage relationships and connect with others. Having the knowledge and skills to increase our emotional intelligence (EI) therefore enhances our ability to better understand ourselves and other people around us. This chapter outlines the current understanding of EI, presents the major models and theories explaining the different aspects of EI, explains how Emotional Quotient (EQ) is measured and highlights the benefits of having high EI.

1.2 What Is EI? In his award-winning book Thinking, fast and slow (2011), Nobel prize winner Daniel Kahneman talks about the two systems in our brain that are persistently fighting for control of our behaviour and actions—a battle that sometimes leads to errors in judgement and poor decisions. System 1 (Thinking Fast) is governed by the unconscious mind and can lead us to make snap judgements and bad decisions based on biased perceptions. System 2 (Thinking Slow) is analytical, problem-solving and evaluative. Without training to develop our EI (Thinking Slow), many of us act in haste, propelled by our emotions (Thinking Fast). This can lead us to lay blame on others, deny responsibility for our actions and avoid thinking about how others feel. In a similar vein, American psychologist Daniel Goleman (1995) suggests that we each have both a thinking mind and a feeling mind. Goleman states that our behaviours are usually governed by our feeling minds, which drive us to react before our thinking minds have had time to process information and determine the best action to take. This strong impulse that urges us to take immediate action is neurologically designed to propel us into action as part of a ‘flight or fight’ response. This natural

© The Author(s), under exclusive license to Springer Nature Singapore Pte Ltd. 2022 M. Gonzales, Emotional Intelligence for Students, Parents, Teachers and School Leaders, https://doi.org/10.1007/978-981-19-0324-3_1

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survival mechanism served to save our cave-dwelling ancestors from being gobbled up by man-eating beasts. Goleman (1995) described four domains of EI: 1. 2. 3. 4.

Self-awareness. Other-awareness (Social awareness). Self-management Relationship Management.

Inspired by Goleman’s book Emotional intelligence (1995), which became a bestseller worldwide, readers became fascinated with emotions and how they affect us. This ignited a keen interest in people from all walks of life wanting to learn more about how to manage their emotions. Suddenly, EI became a popular interest amongst researchers and psychologists.

1.2.1 Self-Awareness Goleman (1995) argues that to be emotionally intelligent, we need to develop selfawareness and be able to self-assess how we respond to different situations. Selfawareness is the ability to recognise and understand how our actions are affected by our emotions and how we tend to react to certain situations. It increases our ability to distinguish between positive and negative emotions and to identify triggers that drive us to react in inappropriate ways. There is an old Chinese saying, ‘Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom’, and it is true that when we become more self-aware of our emotions, we gain clarity about our beliefs and principles, values and motivations, thinking patterns and what we want out of life. When we are more self-aware, we can also protect ourselves from slipping into negative thought patterns, because that self-awareness enables us to distinguish between helpful and harmful behaviours and actions. It also helps us to understand the different defence mechanisms that affect how we relate to others, and how other people see us.

1.2.2 Managing Emotions Whether we know it or not, we all manage our emotions in both helpful and harmful ways. Having the skills and knowledge needed for emotion management increases our control over impulsive feelings and behaviours. This, in turn, prompts us to follow through on our commitments and be more adaptable to changing circumstances. In other words, self-control (self-regulation) is an emotional management skill. It includes flexibility and the ability to adapt to change, increases our trustworthiness and conscientiousness, and trains our minds to tame our fight-or-flight responses when confronted with provoking stimuli and take time to think.

1.2 What is EI?

3

Since the turn of the century, studies on self-regulation as part of emotional management have sprung up like mushrooms. Some of the more popular strategies include: • Attentional control: a strategy that aims to divert our attention away from negative emotions and toward more pleasant ones, or to help us think about how we could do better in dealing with confronting situations in future. • Reappraisal: a strategy that uses thought evaluation to look for better ways to deal with pain and unpleasant emotions, and replaces negative thoughts with positive ones. • Self-soothing strategies: a strategy that uses self-soothing methods such as meditation, music therapy, breathing exercises and self-pampering (e.g., taking a hot bath or having a massage) to deal with anger or pain. We can learn how to manage and regulate our emotions at any stage of our lives. When we are able to manage our emotions, we tend to become more optimistic, motivated and able to achieve more with increased self-confidence. We become victors and not victims. More about emotional regulations will be discussed throughout the different chapters in this book.

1.2.3 Empathy and Social Awareness Psychologists tell us that a child begins to develop self-other recognition in the first year of life, and that this social-cognitive competence shows a sharp increase at the age of two (Asendorpf & Baudonnitre, 1993). Self-other recognition begins when children recognise themselves in the mirror, and progresses to them learning to gain attention from others and communicate their wants and needs by different means, such as crying, cooing and reacting differently to faces familiar or new to them. Some also react with empathetic behaviour to people who are in distress. For example, if a parent pretends to cry or show hurt, the baby will respond with soothing actions such as touching their face or the hurt part. However, as we get older we become less sensitive to others and therefore not as empathetic as we were when we were innocent little infants. Sometimes, it takes will and skill for us to develop sufficient empathy to accurately understand the emotions of other people. Goleman (1995) points out that people who are high in EI are sensitive and responsive to other people’s social signals, recognising their facial expressions, body language and posture, their tone of voice and their eye movements, speech characteristics and breathing characteristics. Other-awareness is our ability to perceive how our behaviour, attitudes, and language impact others. When we are other-aware, we can easily understand why certain emotions may have arisen in certain contexts, and will also have the skills to de-escalate such emotions and help others keep calm. Literature on EI often lists empathy, respect, authenticity, acceptance and tolerance, and perspective-taking as important elements of other-awareness and EI. These

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1 Understanding Emotional Intelligence

capabilities are especially important for teachers and educators, leaders, members of the health care professions and social workers. They are also skills that are learnable, and could even be included in school curricula. Further discussion on how to develop other-awareness is illustrated throughout different chapters in this book.

1.2.4 Relationships Skills To develop a stronger sense of self-awareness, we need to look inward to understand our emotions and what drives our behaviours and actions. However, both social awareness and other-awareness also require the ability to look outward and learn how to appropriately respond to other people’s emotions and behaviour. In fact, social awareness is defined as the ability to take in the perspectives of others, especially those from backgrounds and cultures different from our own. To become more socially aware, it is therefore essential for us to understand others’ cultural values, traditions, communication styles and relational patterns. As people high in EI tend to listen more and refrain from judging, and are more able to identify their emotional biases and think before they speak, EI can help with this. Part II of this book is devoted to understanding relationships and EI. Readers will gain more understanding of this topic and be able to access resources to build their relational EI. Because EI is easier to learn if we start early, in our infancy and school days, this book aims to inspire parents, teachers and school leaders to pay attention to building the EI of our children and future generations. To do this, however, they must first develop a better understanding of their own EI and how to apply it.

1.3 IQ, EQ and EI Renowned American public speaker Clarence Caldwell claims that “IQ shows what you know, EQ shows who you are”. Numerous self-improvement articles throughout the web also mention the notion that IQ + EQ = Success. But what exactly do these terms mean?

1.3.1 What Is IQ? IQ stands for intelligence quotient, which is a measure of intellectual abilities. The first IQ test was introduced by French psychologist Alfred Binet in 1904; it is now being replaced by a range of new tests which measure different aspects of intelligence and cognitive skills. These tests can be helpful in determining interventions for schoolchildren who show signs of learning difficulties. They are also frequently used

1.3 IQ, EQ and EI

5

for workplace recruitment and as entry criteria for college or university degrees, the military and other professional preparation courses. Most IQ tests measure how people understand and apply information, mathematical skills, logical reasoning, word and text comprehension, abstract and spatial thinking, and the ability to filter irrelevant information. Most individuals score between 80 and 110 on an IQ test. People with scores above 110 are considered highly intelligent, and those above 130 are ‘exceptionally smart’ or gifted. Scores below 70 are considered cause for concern, and further testing may be required to determine test accuracy or whether future intervention is needed to support learning at school. The most common IQ tests currently in use are the: • • • • • • •

Stanford-Binet Intelligence Scale. Differential Ability Scales. Peabody Individual Achievement Test. Universal Nonverbal Intelligence. Wechsler Adult Intelligence Scale. Wechsler Individual Achievement Test. Woodcock Johnson III Tests of Cognitive Disabilities.

According to the website Science Trends, the highest IQ score ever recorded belongs to Ainan Celeste Cawley, a Singaporean prodigy born in 1999, who scored 263. He passed his GCSE chemistry exam at the age of seven and studied chemistry at Singapore Polytechnic at the age of eight. This site also notes that Stephen Hawkins had an IQ score of 160, while Albert Einstein scored between 160–190. Both Bill Gates and Steve Jobs are mentioned as having IQ scores of 160.

1.3.2 What Is EQ? As previously mentioned, EQ stands for Emotional Quotient. In 1982, Israeli psychologist Reuven Bar-On, one of the leading theorists of EI, developed the BarOn Emotional Quotient Inventory (EQ-i). It was designed to assess individuals’ emotional and social competencies, and therefore measures the ability • • • • •

to be aware of one’s emotions, understand and express emotions, to understand how others feel and how to interact with others, to manage and control one’s emotions, to manage change, adapt and solve intrapersonal and interpersonal problems, to generate positive affect to enhance self-motivation. (Bar-On, 1997)

The test comprises 133 items—short questions designed to elicit self-reported responses—grouped into 15 scales.. Some years later, Bar-On also developed a multi-rater version of an EQ scale named the Bar-On EQ 360. This involves both self-rating, and the rating of various groups of people in the workplace. Raw scores

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are computer-tabulated and converted to EQ scores. These measurement tools have been translated into more than 30 languages and used in business and government corporations around the world.

1.3.3 What Is EI? Emotional Intelligence (EI) is a relatively new construct in psychology. It is generally described as the ability to identify, understand and assess one’s emotions and those of people one interacts with. In the current literature, EI and EQ are interchangeable terms. Those described as having high EQ or EI are more likely to be able to identify, evaluate, express, and control their own emotions, and use emotions to facilitate thinking and relationship building. In the workplace, people with high EQ scores or well-developed EI are likely to be able to establish amicable working relationships, show leadership, and be motivated and competent in problem-solving and coping with challenges.

1.4 Theories and Models of EI Theories and models are developed through empirical studies to enable us to think about, investigate and measure specific concepts or sets of concepts in order to enrich our understanding of a certain topic. They allow us to apply them for use in personal development or intervention in helping others. Theories on EI were first noted when psychologists began to take an interest in emotions and how they affect behaviours and actions in the 1920s, with Thorndike being the first to describe social intelligence as a form of human intelligence (Thorndike & Stein, 1937). Thorndike (1937) defined social intelligence as “the ability to understand and manage men, women, boys, and girls to act wisely in human relationships” (p. 231). However, it was not until the 1980s that a burst of interest sparked research and theories on emotions and EI. The first publication bearing the term EI was written by American psychology professors Peter Salovey and John Mayer in 1989, following a paper by Beasley (1987) that defined EQ and another by Gardner (1983) arguing that humans have multiple intelligences, including linguistic, logical-mathematical, spatial, bodily-kinaesthetic, musical, naturalist, intrapersonal and interpersonal intelligences. Gardner (1983) described intrapersonal intelligence as the ability to “deal with oneself, the ability to symbolise complex and highly differentiated sets of feelings” (p. 239) and interpersonal intelligence as “the intelligence in dealing with others and to notice and make distinctions among other individuals and, in particular, among their moods, temperaments, motivations and intensions” (p. 239). This resonates with Goleman’s philosophy that “If you are tuned out of your own emotions, you will be poor in reading them in other people” (Goleman, 1995).

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In social sciences such as Education and Psychology, models are important because they provide a framework to guide thinking and investigation. Of the many models of EI that have been developed over the years in the social science literature, there are three major models that are highly recognised and used as references and for practice. They are: • Bar-On’s EI competencies model. • Mayer, Salovey and Caruso’s EI ability model. • Goleman’s EI performance model.

1.4.1 Bar-On’s EI Competencies Model Bar-On adopts a mixed approach that views EI as a balance of social skills, emotional skills and the individual’s associated aptitudes for making smart decisions and taking action. He describes 15 factors that are closely related to emotions, behaviour and social competence (Bar-On, 2001). These factors are: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. 11. 12. 13. 14. 15.

Self-regard: the ability to look inward, and perceive and understand ourselves and our behaviours. Emotional self-awareness: the ability to be aware and identify our emotions. Assertiveness/ Emotional self-expression: the ability to express our feelings in a positive manner. Independence: the ability to be self-reliant and free of emotional dependency on others. Empathy: the ability to be aware of and understand how others feel. Social responsibility: the ability to identify with social groups, work in teams, cooperate with others and contribute to our community in a constructive way. Interpersonal relationships: the ability to form and maintain mutually satisfying relationships with others. Stress tolerance: the ability to manage our emotions in disputes and testing times. Impulse control: the ability to effectively control our emotions and resist the impulse to act when confronted with challenging situations. Reality testing: the ability to validate our feelings and access ‘reality’ against our biased perceptions and thoughts. Flexibility: the ability to adapt and adjust our feelings and actions, and behave calmly and rationally in atypical circumstances. Problem-solving: the ability to solve problems effectively and calmly. Self-actualisation: the ability to set personal goals and have the drive to achieve them. Optimism: the ability to maintain a hopeful and positive attitude to life, especially in the face of adversity. Happiness and wellbeing: the ability to feel comfortable and content with ourselves, with others and with life in general.

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The Bar-On competency model is built on the theory that emotional and social competencies are skills that can be taught and learned. In some parts of the USA, this model is used in the school curriculum and to help university students increase their ability to recognise and manage emotions, relate to others, adapt to change, solve personal and interpersonal problems and efficiently cope with the daily demands of university life. It is also popular in business and the corporate world as a component of staff development programs.

1.4.2 Mayer, Salovey and Caruso’s EI Ability Models Mayer, Salovey and Caruso believe that EI is not innate, but an ability that can be learned and applied to match emotions to tasks, people management and relationship building (Mayer et al., 2004). They define EI as “the capacity to reason about emotions, and of emotions, to enhance thinking … to accurately perceive emotions and emotional knowledge, and to reflectively regulate emotions so as to promote emotional and intellectual growth” (p. 198). The Mayer, Salovey and Caruso EI Model includes four elements. These are: 1.

2. 3.

4.

Perceiving emotions: the ability to decipher emotions in facial expressions, voices, and cultural artefacts, including the ability to process information from sensory cues to make sense of one’s own emotions and those of others. Using emotions: the ability to detect moods and to harness one’s own emotions to think and problem-solve. Understanding emotions: the ability to understand how emotions evolve over time, to appreciate complications in relationships and to understand emotions and language. Managing emotions: the ability to achieve goals by harnessing both positive and negative emotions, and the ability to regulate one’s own emotions and those of others.

These abilities are measured by the Mayer-Salovey-Caruso Emotional Intelligence Test (MSCEIT). There are two parts to the test: the Experiential Emotional Intelligence Score and the Strategic Emotional Intelligence Score. The Experiential section assesses the individual’s capacity to feel emotion and do so productively. It involves perceiving emotions in facial expressions in pictures, facilitating thoughts and showing understanding of how moods affect our reasoning. It also requires the participant to compare different emotions to different sensations, such as temperature, light and colour. The Strategic section involves higher levels of conscious emotion processing. This part includes two sets of tasks: Understanding Emotion Changes tasks and Emotional Management tasks. The Understanding Emotion Changes tasks measure the participant’s ability to understanding emotions and how they can transition from one to another (e.g., how sadness can lead to depression). The Emotional Management tasks require

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the participant to rate the effectiveness of different actions for achieving goals and attaining results, and to decide what actions to take to achieve outcomes based on the involvement of other people (Mayer et al., 2003). The MSCEIT is one of the most commonly used EI tests in the corporate world in English-speaking countries.

1.4.3 Goleman’s EI Performance Model Daniel Goleman ignites global interests in the concept of EI with his book Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ (1995). In this book, he described 4 basic components of EI: Self-awareness, Other-awareness, self-management and relationship management. Upon another decade of exploring and researching EI, Goleman and his colleagues Boyatzis, and researchers from HayGroup in Boston developed a EI performance model and the Emotional and Social Competency Inventory (ESCI), which measures 12 competencies that contribute to the effectiveness of organisation performance and leadership (Goleman et al., 2013). Within the four domains of EI as described in Sect. 1.2, Goleman and his colleagues identified 12 sub-skills in workplace performance that illustrate emotional and social intelligence and competence. They are: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. 11. 12.

Emotional self-awareness: the ability to recognise one’s emotions and their effects. Emotional self-control: the ability to keep disruptive emotions and impulses in check. Adaptability: the ability to be flexible in handling change. Achievement orientation: the ability to strive to improve or meeting a standard of excellence. Positive outlook: the ability to persist in pursuing goals despite obstacles and setbacks. Empathy: the ability to sense others’ feelings and perspectives, and take an active interest in their concerns Organisational awareness: the ability to read a group’s emotional currents and power relationships. Coach and mentor: the ability to sense others’ development needs and bolstering their abilities. Inspirational leadership: the ability to inspire and guide individuals and groups. Influence: the ability to wield effective tactics for persuasion. Conflict management: the ability to negotiate and resolve disagreements. Teamwork: the ability to work with others toward shared goals and create group synergy in pursuing collective goals.

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These elements form the basis of the Emotional and Social Competency Inventory, which is used in workplace assessment and staff development in big corporations worldwide (Wolff, 2005). This inventory measures leadership intelligence and emphasises the ability to raise awareness through feedback, coaching and developing others, and to bring out the best in others. In addition to these three major models of EI, there is another model that is also widely accepted in the business world: the Trait EI Model.

1.4.4 The Trait EI Model Over the last five decades, organisational psychologists have conducted studies to link the Big Five personality traits with EI. The Big Five Personality Trait Model is a major component of trait theory in psychology (John & Srivastava, 1999). The model groups people into five categories: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5.

Openness: the tendency to be open to experience, curious, and inventive. Conscientiousness: the tendency to be efficient, cautious, responsible, and organised. Extraversion: the tendency to be outgoing, sociable, and energetic. Agreeableness: the tendency to be sociable, compassionate, and thoughtful. Neuroticism: the tendency to be sensitive, self-conscious, and generally nervous and moody.

At the turn of the century, scholars became more interested in understanding the connections between personality traits and EI. Petrides et al. (2006) defined this concept as Trait EI. This theory describes “our perceptions of our emotional world: what our emotional dispositions are, and how good we believe we are in terms of perceiving, understanding, managing, and utilizing our own and other people’s emotions” (Petrides et al., 2018, p. 50). Empirical evidence from a large-scale meta-analysis by Judge et al. (2002) shows that all of the Big Five personality traits, with the exception of agreeableness, predict leadership. Paunonen and Ashton (2001) also found that some traits are related to specific leadership capabilities, such as assertiveness, optimism, emotional expression, perception and people management. Whereas the EI ability and competency models are more concerned with the cognitive component, in comparison, the Trait EI model focuses on the temperamental component of emotional competence. Despite deviation between scholars about the different aspects of these schools of thought, the Big Five have provided the theoretical basis for measuring EI in the workplace, and for leadership development. Meanwhile, educational psychologists investigating connections between traits and EI in children were able to produce evidence to support the Trait EI theory. Psychologists in education believe that understanding the construct of personality traits and EI across an individual’s lifespan, especially in childhood, is important in assessing developmental milestones. The quest to understand more about children

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and Trait EI progressed, producing evidence that children with higher Trait EI have better problem-solving skills, are able to maintain better peer relationships (Petrides et al., 2006), have fewer behavioural problems (Baroncelli & Ciucci, 2014) and show higher social competence. Mavroveli et al. (2008) developed a Trait Emotional Intelligence Questionnaire (TEIQue-Child Form) to measure personality traits and EI in children in the age range 8–12. This assessment tool comprises 75 items and measures 15 facets of trait intelligence. These are: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. 11. 12. 13. 14. 15.

Adaptability: flexibility and the willingness to adapt to new conditions. Assertiveness: forthrightness and the willingness to stand up for their rights. Emotion perception for self and others: the understanding of their own and other’s feelings. Emotional expression: the ability to communicate their feelings to others. Emotion management: the ability to influence other peoples’ feelings. Emotion regulation: the ability to control their own emotions. Impulsiveness: the ability to control urges and impulsivity. Relationships: the ability to understand and maintain fulfilling personal relationships. Self-esteem: self-confidence and a sense of success. Self-motivation: self-drive, persistence and the ability to move forward in the face of adversity. Social awareness: the ability to network and show appropriate social skills. Stress management: the ability to withstand pressure and regulate stress. Trait empathy: the ability to take another’s perspective. Trait happiness: cheerfulness and contentment with their own life. Trait optimism: confidence and the likelihood of having have positive thoughts (Mavroveli et al., 2008).

The models and theories presented in this section show us that EI can be understood and measured in different ways—as an ability, as a competency and as an influence from our personality traits. They show us that we can make use of emotional information to guide our thinking and behaviour, and adjust our emotions to adapt to environments. The EI measurement tools also enable clinical psychologists and counsellors to identify where an individual falls short in their emotional health and provide clues to effective intervention, counselling and therapy.

1.5 Why Is EI so Important? Life in the twenty-first century has become increasingly complex and challenging in all aspects. In the face of increased social and political problems and pressures on life in general, people are struggling to cope. According to recent statistics from the World Health Organisation (2021), 284 million people worldwide (3.76% of the

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total population) suffer from anxiety disorders, while 264 million (3.44%) suffer from depression. And these numbers reflect only those identified and diagnosed. In Australia, family violence is on the increase. According to the Australian Bureau of Statistics Personal Safety Survey 2012, one in four women in Australia (about 2.2 million) has experienced at least one incident of violence perpetrated by a male intimate partner. Likewise, one in twelve men (about 694,100) has experienced violence perpetrated by a female intimate partner (Cox, 2015). More than three-quarters of these victims said that their children saw or heard of these violent acts, which had an emotional impact on them as well. These statistics show us the importance of being able to understand and manage our emotions, and of having the ability to control our emotions before they control us, which can lead to disastrous consequences. They also point to a very strong message: that the development of EI is as important as, if not more important than, literacy and numeracy in school education. As an essential aptitude and life skill very much needed by everyone in the fastpaced and pressure-ridden twenty-first century, increased EI will enable us to: • • • • • •

enhance our personal growth and self-improvement. understand how emotions impact our health. cope with strong emotions. build healthy family relationships. build positive social and work relationships. make friends and build support.

In contrast, people who are unaware of, untrained in and low on EI will be more likely to: • • • • • •

lose control of their behaviour, especially under stress. get angry easily without realising the source of their anger. behave in self-centred manners. criticise others and bring out the worst in them. engage in negative thoughts most of the time. lack social skills and find it hard to maintain relationships, and get physically sick due to a lack of emotional and behavioural control.

1.5.1 EI Enhances Our Personal Growth and Self-Improvement Being emotionally intelligent does not mean you will be happy all the time. We all experience both positive and negative emotions at different times and in different situations. What having a good level of EI enables us to do is process information using rational thought, curb our impulses and cope with challenging times with more resilience. When we are more aware of and attuned to how our emotions affect us, we are in a better position to manage them. This enhances our ability to understand

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ourselves better, be more accommodating of and compassionate towards others, become better communicators and problem-solvers and use better judgement in our daily lives.

1.5.2 EI Helps Us to Understand How Emotions Impact Our Health Scientists and physicians have produced extensive evidence that our emotions affect our mental as well as our physical health. Research shows that people who have an upbeat mental state have more energy, are able to achieve more and are generally more contented with life (Gross & Thompson, 2007). In contrast, people who suffer mental health issues such as anxiety and depression are less likely to be aware that their conditions can be caused or exacerbated by suppressed emotions such as anger and sorrow, poor personal relationships, or past traumas. Studies have also shown that people who fail to manage chronic stress tend to suffer from elevated blood pressure and have high resting heartrates (Krantz & McCeney, 2002), and to be more susceptible to viruses, infections, and cancers due to weakened immune systems (Lumley, 2004; Mayne, 2001; Rozanski & Kubzansky, 2005). Evidence also shows that individuals with high EI are better at recovering from acute stress (Ciarrochi et al., 2001; Matthews et al., 2006; Petrides & Furnham, 2003). These research results suggest that people with well-developed EI have a stronger ability to maintain their physical and mental wellbeing.

1.5.3 EI Supports Us in Coping with Strong Emotions Sometimes our emotions can become overpowering and make it difficult for us to think clearly and rationally. Strong emotions such as anger, anxiety, guilt and shame can drive us to make poor choices or lose control of the situation we are in. We all experience sadness, usually associated with the loss of someone or something important; if not properly addressed, sadness can lead to depression, physical health problems and irrational thoughts that can have negative consequences. Developing our EI and knowing about how our emotions affect our thoughts, attitudes and behaviour is therefore an essential life skill at all stages of our lives. When we learn how to manage our emotions and behaviour, perhaps we will find ourselves living in a better world with less violence, less hatred, and a lot more compassion and support.

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1.5.4 EI Helps Us to Build Healthy Family Relationships People with high EI are better able to overcome rifts and strengthen family bonds. Families are made up of interdependent relationships which change with time and circumstances; we develop emotional intimacy with our family members from childhood, and through warm and nurturing attention and positive communication, parents with high EI are able to help their children develop strong self-esteem, a good sense of duty and the ability to make responsible choices. In contrast, parents with low EI are more likely to be critical, derogatory and punitive, which decreases their children’s emotional expression and increases relational tensions and negative emotions. Parental failure to nurture the emotional growth of their children has been theorised to be at the root of family aggression and conflict (Straus et al., 2003). Children growing up in families with low emotional awareness are more likely to have low selfregulation and impulse control. Psychologists tell us that children acquire emotional self-control as a result of interaction with their peers and social play. When children are successful in their negotiation of conflict in childhood, they are likely to be more socially competent and able to maintain amicable relationships in adulthood. We know that ‘and they lived happily ever after’ happens only in fairy tales, and that no relationship is ever trouble-free. Marriage and romantic relationships need work to be successful, with both parties contributing to the understanding of the nuances of feelings and being aware of how their own actions and behaviour impact others, especially their loved ones (Gabb & Fink, 2015). People with higher EI tend to be more able to understand their own emotions and those of their partners, and to make the necessary adjustments to sustain long-term harmonious love relationships. They have the ability to make good decisions, to bring joy and the calmness needed to deflect conflict and solve emotional problems to the family. That is why it is important to start learning EI skills young. If we teach our children the necessary knowledge and skills while they are young, they will grow up into emotionally competent individuals. Part II of this book focuses on a discussion and exploration of different aspects of family relationships and EI.

1.5.5 EI Enhances Positive Social and Work Relationships EI affects our personal as much as our social and work relationships. Meaningful friendships are determined by not only the beliefs, values and shared interests of the people involved in them, but also the compatibility of their levels of EI. Valuable friendships are formed on the basis of mutual trust and emotional intimacy—the experience of being deeply connected to another person who understands your feelings and what you care about. It requires the willingness to take time to support another person and make time to keep up the friendship. When we are equipped with the EI skills that enable us to understand ourselves and others, it is easier for us to

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connect with others and to show empathy and compassion, to share and talk through our feelings and to feel safe in doing so. EI is also an essential quality in workplace success. When we have a good level of EI, we can interact with our colleagues effectively and develop mutually supportive work relationships. We are more able to tactfully resolve conflicts and solve peopleor task-related problems. In an organisation that has a high EI culture, employees are more likely to share affective values, listen to and communicate effectively with one another and show a genuine interest in supporting each other’s success. In contrast, in organisations where people display low EI, there is more likely to be a toxic culture of gossip, professional jealousy, mistrust and an ‘every person for themselves’ attitude. Job satisfaction tends to be low and stress and tension high, and as a result, productivity decreases. Workplace EI has received increasing amounts of attention in the last 30 years. EI grows and strengthens with time, experience, practice, and insight. It is a lifelong development. Just as we need the skill of driving a car to navigate the streets of the modern world, we need EI skills to navigate our way through our journey of life—in our families, our social interactions and our workplaces. Part III of this book therefore discusses workplace EI in a broader perspective.

1.5.6 Make Friends and Build Support with Increased EI Life is full of twists and turns. We make plans and we follow our dreams, and sometimes things go pear-shaped. From time to time, we experience failure, and this may lead us to believe that we are stuck and become overwhelmed with feelings of unfulfillment, discomfort, guilt and shame. It is perfectly fine to feel this way, even for highly emotionally intelligent people. We all need time and space to heal our wounds. However, if we are not aware of what these negative emotions are doing to us, we may fall into depression. This is why we need to form meaningful friendships and have a network of compassionate support from family and colleagues. When we are skilled in emotional awareness and management, we can bounce back from setbacks, seek help from friends and support groups to bring us back to reality and start again. People with weak social support systems are more likely to become withdrawn and suffer from self-imposed social isolation. For example, isolated older people who lose their spouses are more likely to experience self-pity and dwell on memories of the past. Learning to live with the loss of someone you love takes a long time: we all grieve differently, and it is very hard to readjust to a new life without a spouse who loved you. However, those who dwell excessively on negative emotions are at higher risk of developing mental health issues, which will affect them physically too. Fortunately, in many of our cities and communities, there are support groups that exist to bring together people who have gone through similar experiences, from alcohol and drug addiction support groups and bereavement support organisations to groups that bring hope through religious activities or meditation, and groups that aim

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to bring happiness and joy back to your life. These enable a person who is suffering to let go and acknowledge the emotions that are preventing them from moving forward. Friends and relational support are also important to our social health, and EI makes it is easier to find or establish these support networks at any stage of our lives. This chapter has given a broad overview of what EI is, how it is measured and what the importance and benefits of developing our EI are. The next chapter will discuss the different features of emotions and how they affect our health and general wellbeing.

Resources Bar-on Emotional Quotient Inventory sample report. Available at http://eqiq.nl/ docs/samples/EQ-i%20Resource%20Report%20EN.pdf CREIO Consortium for Research on Emotional Intelligence in Organisations. Available at http://www.eiconsortium.org/measures/eci_360.html Discover Your True Self Workbook. Available at https://www.lorilynnsmith.com/ wordpress/wp-content/uploads/2014/02/Self-Awareness-Workbook.pdf Living with difficult emotions. Available at http://www.indigodaya.com/wpcf7_ captcha/2019/04/Difficult-Emotions-Resource-Booklet-Indigo-Daya.pdf Self-awareness workbook. https://marlishuebner.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/ 08/Module-2-Selfawareness-Workbook.pdf Trait Emotional intelligence Questionnaire (short form). Available at https://www. psychometriclab.com/adminsdata/files/The%20TEIQue-SF%20v.%201.50.pdf

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Rozanski, A., & Kubzansky, L. D. (2005). Psychologic functioning and physical health: A paradigm of flexibility. Psychosomatic Medicine, 67(Suppl.), S47–S53. https://doi.org/10.1097/01.psy.000 0164253.69550.49 Salovey, P., & Mayer, J. D. (1989). Emotional intelligence. Imagination, Cognition, and Personality, 9(3), 185–211. https://doi.org/10.2190/dugg-p24e-52wk-6cdg Straus, M. A., Hamby, S. L., & Warren, W. L. (2003). The conflict tactics scale handbook: Revised Conflict Tactics Scales (CTS2): CTS: Parent-Child Version (CTSPC). Western Psychological Services. Thompson, R. A. (1989). Causal attributions and children’s emotional understanding. In C. Saarni & P. L. Harris (Eds.), Children’s understanding of emotion (pp. 117–150). Cambridge University Press. Thorndike, R. L., & Stein, S. (1937). An evaluation of the attempts to measure social intelligence. Psychological Bulletin, 34(5), 275–285. https://doi.org/10.1037/h0053850 Wolff, S. B. (2005). Emotional and social competency inventory. http://www.eiconsortium.org/pdf/ ECI_2_0_Technical_Manual_v2.pdf World Health Organisation (WHO). (2021). https://www.who.int/news/item/08-10-2021-who-rep ort-highlights-global-shortfall-in-investment-in-mental-health Zurbriggen, E. L., & Sturman, T. S. (2002). Linking motives and emotions: A test of McClelland’s hypotheses. Personality and Social Psychological Bulletin, 28(4), 521–535. https://doi.org/10. 1177/0146167202287009

Chapter 2

Understanding Emotions

2.1 Introduction Most people understand emotions as our feelings, moods and affective responses to people, events, experiences, and environmental challenges. But if you shine a light down the rabbit hole of scientific studies on emotions, you will find a kaleidoscope of interests in the scholarly research on the subject in areas including neuroscience, psychology, medical science and even computer science. In this chapter, we will explore how emotions are linked to our brains, our bodies, and our spirit (our thoughts and behaviours). Scholars in the human sciences began to take an interest in human emotions in the nineteenth century. Evolutionist Charles Darwin researched the expression of human emotion to corroborate his theory of evolution, and in his work The Expression of Emotions in Man and Animals, proposed that emotions evolved as ways to help humans adapt, survive, and reproduce. He argued that fear propelled them to fight or flee to protect themselves, while love and affection led them to seek a mate for reproduction (Darwin, 2007). Subsequent theorists have endeavoured to understand emotions further by researching them from different angles: physical, cognitive, and neurological.

2.2 Emotions and Our Mind, Body, and Spirit For decades, scientists have considered the limbic system, a complex set of structures found at the bottom of the frontal lobe and in the inner sections of the temporal lobes of our brain, to be responsible for our emotional and behavioural responses. This is generally referred to as the emotional nervous system. It governs not only our emotional functions but also higher mental functions such as learning and memories.

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Literature on the brain and the emotions describes the four components of the limbic system as significant parts of the brain that govern our emotions and emotional responses. They are: • the cingulate gyrus, which is responsible for coordinating our sensory input with our emotions, regulating aggressive behaviour and responses to pain. It also affects our language expression, decision-making, maternal bonding, and communication. • the hippocampus, which is responsible for preserving and retrieving memories, including both long- and short-term memory, and spatial memory. It helps us to understand the spatial dimensions of our environment, and also plays a role in our decision-making when we are confronted with strong emotions, and in how we handle stress. • the amygdala, which is responsible for protecting us from danger and drives the fight-or-flight response. It plays a crucial role in governing fear and anger. There is one amygdala on each side of the brain. • the thalamus and hypothalamus, which play a crucial role in regulating body temperature and emotional responses, controlling the appetite, maintaining the body’s daily physiological cycles, and releasing hormones. It also affects our moods and happiness. The brain and our peripheral nervous systems communicate with each other via neural circuits, which also provide bidirectional communication between the brain and the heart. Thus, excitement can trigger a rapid increase in heart rate, while a sense of calmness can slow the heart rate down to provide a sense of relaxation. These mentalphysical communications mutually influence the quality of our mental processing, and allow our feelings to determine physical changes in our body (Fig. 2.1).

2.2.1 How Traditional Chinese Medicine Explains Emotions and Our Body For over two hundred thousand years, Chinese healers have believed that physical and mental ailments are caused by imbalances in the energy focus of our body that they called qi (Tao, 1999). They believe that the seven human emotions—happiness, anger, sadness, joy, longing, fear and shock affect the health of our five major internal organs (heart, spleen, lungs, kidneys and liver). Traditional Chinese physicians believe that the heart, including the small intestine (classified as belonging to the element of fire) , is affected by love, joy and happiness. Feelings of love and affection influence the heart and its relationship to the entire physical system. Our hearts react to strong emotions such as anxiety, impatience and hatred, and these emotions can lead to insomnia, palpitations, and other physical disorders (Holman, 2017).

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Fig. 2.1 The Limbic system

The spleen, which includes the stomach and the pancreas (classified as belonging to the element of earth), is affected by feelings of fairness, honesty, openness and trust. When we are bothered by a sense of injustice or unfairness, it will affect the functions of the spleen, which can cause fatigue, weight loss, bloating and skin disorders. Our lungs, including the skin, and our large intestine (classified as belonging to the element of metal), are affected by emotions such as fear and fearlessness (courage) and a sense of righteousness. However, they are also affected by feelings of sadness and depression. Symptoms associated with these negative emotions include shortness of breath, asthma, and skin problems such as eczema and psoriasis. Our kidneys, including the bladder, and our ears (classified as belonging to the element of water), are affected by emotions such as calmness and shock. It is believed that fear affects the adrenal glands as well as the kidneys. When we experience shock or excessive fear, the adrenal glands secrete adrenalin to trigger a fight-or-flight response. Our liver, including the gall bladder, and our eyes (classified as belonging to the element of wood), are affected by anger and its associated secondary emotions. The liver is vital for the release of glucose into the blood. Emotions such as anger, frustration, jealousy and resentment will affect this function and cause harm to our body. Qigong masters (Chinese healers that practise health and wellness through a form of Chinese martial art known as qigong) believe that the flow of qi (internal bodily

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energy) is important to our health. When we experience extreme emotions, our qi (energy) becomes depleted, and we fall sick. According to the philosophy of qigong: • • • • • • •

anger causes the qi to rise, thus causing harm to the liver. joy slows the qi and blood circulation, thus is good for the heart. worry knots the qi, causing concerns to the pancreas and the lungs. shock scatters the qi and will affect the kidney and the heart. sadness knots the qi and will hurt the pancreas. grief (strong sadness) depletes the qi and will harm the lungs. fear depresses the qi and will hurt the kidneys.

People who practice Chinese medicine and qigong believe that the exercises used in qigong will cause the qi to flow better, leading to improved physical health, while meditation and the practice of stillness (relaxation) will calm our emotions and bring back balance to our mental health (Tao, 1999). Hormones and emotions Our brain is wired to detect dangers and threats, pleasures and rewards. It is constantly communicating with the different parts of our body, and to do so it sends chemicals called hormones from one nerve to another. Medical literature informs us that when our brain detects a potential threat, it releases stress hormones such as adrenaline and cortisol to prepare a fight-or-flight response. In contrast, when we experience something pleasurable or fun, it releases chemicals that make us feel good, such as dopamine, oxytocin or serotonin. • Adrenaline (also known as epinephrine) is a chemical produced in the adrenal glands and some of the neurons in the central nervous system. It is also known as the ‘fight-or- flight hormone’. When we feel stressed, or when we perceive danger, the amygdala, which communicates with the rest of the body through the sympathetic nervous system, releases adrenaline into the blood. This increases blood flow to the brain and muscles and stimulates the body to make sugar for fuel, helping the body to react. When this happens, the body also feels less pain, which explains why people can continue to run from danger even when injured. Adrenaline also causes a temporary increase in strength and performance, and heightens awareness. When an allergic reaction occurs (such as anaphylaxis), an injection of epinephrine (which is artificial adrenaline) will help to relax the muscles blocking the airways and enables the patient to breathe normally again. • Cortisol is a steroid produced by the adrenal glands found on top of each kidney. It is mainly released in times of stress. When released into the bloodstream, it can help the body to respond to stress or danger by increasing the body’s ability to metabolise glucose, reduce inflammation and control blood pressure. The body usually produces the right of amount of cortisol, but too much or not enough can create health problem. When we experience excessive stress, too much cortisol is released in our blood streams, which can lead to fat gain. Some people can also develop acne and skin problems, and some women can experience irregular

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menstrual periods or increased facial hair growth. In contrast, if the body releases too little cortisol it can lead to weight loss, muscle weakness, continual tiredness and sometimes pain in the abdomen, nausea and vomiting. • Dopamine is a ‘feel-good’ hormone which leads us to feel pleasure, contentment, joy and even motivation. When we achieve something, we experience a surge of dopamine in the brain, which leads to a sense of happiness. Dopamine is also responsible for governing our moods, our sleep, our learning and concentration, and our body movements. The medical literature states that a decrease in natural dopamine in the body can contribute to depressive behaviours and conditions such as depression, schizophrenia, psychosis and Parkinson’s Disease. However, too much dopamine in the brain can cause binge eating, competitive and aggressive behaviour, and increased susceptibility to different forms of addictions. • Oxytocin is also known as ‘the love hormone’. It enables us to feel love and social bonds, and has a strong impact on our moods and emotions. When people are in love, they experience high levels of oxytocin. So do mothers during childbirth and breastfeeding. Scientists have also found that hugging, kissing, cuddling and being sexually intimate all trigger oxytocin production. Therefore, increased physical intimacy can increase oxytocin levels in people who are sad or depressed, helping them to feel better emotionally. Other studies have linked oxytocin with positive social behaviours, including positive communication, trust, empathy and social bonding. People with low oxytocin levels have been found to have memory problems, irregular heartbeats, and mental health disorders including schizophrenia and social anxiety disorder. • Serotonin is another ‘happy hormone’ that stabilises our moods, promoting feelings of wellbeing and happiness. This hormone is also a neurotransmitter which allows our brain cells and other nervous system cells to communicate with each other, impacting the entire body. Serotonin also helps to regulate our moods, sleeping and eating patterns, and digestion. However, if we are sad or stressed for a long period of time, our serotonin levels can become depleted. This may lead to loss of appetite, increases in anxiety, irritability, aggressiveness, impulsivity and depression, and difficulty in learning due to an inability to concentrate. We can increase our natural production of serotonin by exercising regularly, going out into the sunlight, eating nutritious food, and practicing relaxation techniques such as meditation and yoga.

2.3 Primary and Secondary Emotions One of the pioneers of the study of human emotion is Paul Ekman, a professor of psychology at the University of California, San Francisco. He studied the facial expressions of people from different cultures and identified six basic universal emotions: anger, disgust, fear, happiness, sadness and surprise (Ekman, 1972). Following years of further studies, Ekman (1999) expanded this list to include

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amusement, contempt, contentment, embarrassment, excitement, guilt, pride in achievement, relief, satisfaction, sensory pleasure, and shame. Concurrently, American psychologist Damasio (1994) classified emotions into two groups—primary and secondary—based on neurobiological findings. He argues that primary emotions are innate and support our need to protect ourselves in times of danger and to fulfil other physical, mental, and social needs. He supported this theory with findings from his studies on one-year-old children (Damasio, 2004). Secondary emotions, according to Damasio, involve our thought processes. They are emotional reactions to other emotions. For example, Damasio argues that jealousy is as a secondary emotion triggered by fear or anger: when one sibling receives more attention from the parents than others, the other siblings may feel afraid of losing their attention, or angry that their parents favour the first sibling. Secondary emotions, in other words, are feelings that we have about our primary emotions. For example, contentment is a primary emotion that is associated with affection and acceptance, which are secondary emotions. Studies in psychology suggest that secondary emotions are unconsciously learned and habitual; they are rooted in our belief systems, and therefore, by changing our beliefs, we can alleviate negative secondary emotions. When we understand our primary and secondary emotions, we can trace our way back to the past experiences that led to the formation of our current emotions and behaviour, and adjust them. The current literature in psychology also points out that primary emotions are much more straightforward than secondary emotions, as they are direct reactions to external events, e.g., fear in response to a threat. When the event diminishes, the primary emotion is likely to recede, whereas secondary emotions tend to continue long after the event, and may interfere with our ability to cope with the present, e.g., anxiety about the possibility of the threat recurring. Secondary emotions are more complex emotions and can be ambiguous and hard to understand. In studies expanding on Damasio’s theory of primary and secondary emotions, numerous psychologists presented interesting theories and expanded lists of emotions. One of the best-known ones is Plutchik’s Wheel of Emotions (SixSeconds, 2017). Plutchik and Kellerman (1980) describe eight basic emotions arranged in four dyads, which are: • • • •

sadness and joy. anger and fear. anticipation and surprise. trust and disgust.

In his Wheel of Emotions, he connects basic primary emotions with secondary emotions, and depicts the dyads in three layers of intensity. For example, sadness is a primary emotion. When the sadness is less intense, we experience pensiveness. When it is very intense, we experience grief. These feelings are associated with disapproval. Table 2.1 summarises the concepts presented in Plutchik’s Wheel. Recognising our emotions and learning to manage them can help us to overcome problems and manage difficulties and setbacks. When we are aware of our emotions and how they impact us, we can regulate our behaviours more effectively.

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Table 2.1 Emotions described in Plutchik’s wheel Primary emotion

Less intense emotion

More intense emotion

Associated emotion

JOY:

serenity

ecstasy

optimism

SADNESS:

pensiveness

grief

disapproval

ANGER:

annoyance

rage

contempt

FEAR:

apprehension

terror

submission

TRUST:

acceptance

admiration

love

DISGUST:

boredom

loathing

remorse

ANTICIPATION:

interest

vigilance

aggressiveness

SURPRISE:

distraction

amazement

awe

Our emotions become an internal compass, helping us to make decisions about the situations we are in and figure out what we do and do not want in life. Having the skills and capability to reflect on our feelings will give us more control over how we live our lives. If we struggle to recognise negative emotions and negative thoughts, we are more likely to be unhappy and pessimistic, and to feel helpless and hopeless. In contrast, when we become more aware of our own emotions and develop the skills needed to understand and manage them, we tend to become more aware of other people’s emotions too. This increases our ability to communicate and build relationships with others, to better support our family and friends, and to look after our own and others’ physical and mental health and wellbeing.

2.4 Emotions and Our Cognitive Processes Our emotions are ubiquitous and complex in nature. They have substantial influence on cognitive processes including attention, perception, learning, reasoning, memory and decision-making. It is believed that there are over 100 definitions of emotions, which are generally referred to as ‘feelings’, ‘moods’, ‘affects’ or ‘affective reactions’. Some scholars have classified them into three distinct groups (Davidson et al., 2000): • core affect (or moods). • emotional episodes (emotional states that do not last very long, e.g., sadness, embarrassment). • affects (trait emotions, describing people who are generally happy, worried, depressed, etc.). Scientists have also found that emotions have a strong influence on our attention levels, and this influences our ability to learn, because our attentional capacity affects how much we are able to focus on relevant information. Emotion also affects how

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we store what we have learned in memory and facilitates the retrieval of information. Additionally, empirical studies have shown that the amygdala modulates memory consolidation, the prefrontal cortex influences memory encoding, and the hippocampus is involved in learning and retention (Talmi et al., 2007; Taylor et al., 1998; Vogel et al., 2016).

2.4.1 How Our Moods Affect Learning and Memory A growing interest in the interplay between learning and emotion has been apparent in the psychology literature of the last two decades. In it, some research scholars have classified memory into two groups: episodic memory and semantic memory (e.g., Nestor et al., 2006; Patterson et al., 2007). Episodic memories are memories that we capture from daily experiences or special events, (e.g., a first date, watching a TV show with the kids, cooking a feast for the new year), while semantic memories are things we store as knowledge, facts and figures (e.g., the alphabet, historical facts about the Vikings, and E=mc2 ). Investigators exploring how emotions affect the way we store and retrieve memory have found that semantic memories are generally less impacted by our moods and emotional states than episodic memories, which are strongly associated with emotions. Empirical evidence has shown that when we are in a positive mood, we learn better and faster, whereas when we are in a bad mood, the cognitive flexibility we need to learn new things is reduced (Ashby & Maddox, 2005; Maddox et al., 2006). Perhaps you have experienced a scenario in which a teacher has spent the first ten minutes of a class shouting at their students about bad behaviour and destroying their desire to learn. Half of the children, especially the sensitive ones, are likely to be raging in their inner voice: “Why shout at me, I didn’t do anything wrong!” Unless the teacher is able to change the kids’ moods back to a more positive one quickly, most of them will stay upset and spend the rest of the lesson tuned out, and thus little learning will take place. Other studies also show that when we approach learning in a positive mood, it increases our mental flexibility and creative problem-solving abilities (Bolte et al., 2003; Dreisbach, 2006; Dreisbach & Goschke, 2004). This implies that when children are having fun and experiencing support and encouragement, they will learn better and achieve more. It has also been noted that positive emotions facilitate self-motivation, drive, and curiosity. However, while we know that excessive stress will impede learning and memory, some studies also show that mild levels of stress can be motivating in that they facilitate the urge to learn more (Vogel & Schwabe, 2016). This is influenced by the attentional state of the individual and the motivation components that induce curiosity to drive the person to ‘soldier on’ and combat the challenge (Oudeyer et al., 2016; Vuilleumier, 2005).

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2.4.2 Connections Between Emotions, Thoughts, and Beliefs Our beliefs and thoughts also affect our emotions. People with high EI who are more in touch with their own emotions tend to have a more positive outlook, and often feel more empowered to achieve their goals. On the other hand, people who are less aware of their emotions are more likely to regard themselves as victims of circumstances or injustice, and hold distorted views of others. They often reinforce this negativity through their self-talk, repeatedly telling themselves things like “I’m not good enough”, “I’m a loser” or “I don’t have a rich father like them”. They tend to overgeneralise, for example when a woman who has been hurt by a selfish boyfriend asserts that “All men are selfish” and tells herself “I will die an old maid with no one to love me”. Many people who fall into this pattern of extreme thinking will push or hold themselves to the extreme, depriving themselves of room for nuance or growth. In contrast, people with low EI are more likely to assume that they are at fault for other people’s feelings. If they noticed that a friend was unhappy during dinner, they start to worry, “What did I do or say to make her unhappy?” instead of asking her what is bothering her. These people tend to feel defensive, and their thought patterns also prevent them from seeking alternative views. Psychologists have named these unhealthy thought patterns ‘cognitive distortions’. Having high EI can help people to avoid such self-blaming thoughts and unhealthy beliefs that others are out there to harm us, reducing their levels of worry and distress, as when we become more selfaware and other-aware, we can minimise our tendency to think the negative thoughts that turn our friends into monsters and our lives into a nightmare. There is an ocean of knowledge available about emotions and our cognitive functions. This includes studies of the relationship between motivational and cognitive processes, emotion and motivation anxiety and attentional bias, and other aspects of emotions and attention as well as many more on how emotions impact learning, thinking, motivation, and other cognitive aspects of our emotions. (Bar-Haim et al., 2009; Carver, 2006; McNally, 1998; Pessoa, 2008; Spielberg et al., 2011). Readers who are interested can delve more broadly and deeply into these topics.

2.5 The Social Aspects of Emotions We humans are social animals. We have an innate drive to belong, and we connect with one another for support. We delight in social acceptance and feel hurt over social rejection. Our social world has a tremendous impact on our emotions and our general wellbeing. Theorists studying emotions also claim that our emotions are evolutionarily adaptive to our social environment (Barrett, 2017; Barrett & Russell, 2015; Ekman, 2016). Emotions form a huge part of our social self, and our understanding and experience of our emotions emerges in the context of our social encounters and relations, whether those be conflict between friends, joy shared around the dinner

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table, or fear during a violent act. Understanding emotions means understanding the situations and the social environment that produce them. In infancy, we are shaped by countless social and cultural factors that influence the nature of our emotional experiences and emotional expressions. We continue to develop our social identities and distinctive identity-relevant attitudes throughout childhood. Our social identities are part of our self-concept, derived from our perceptions of our roles in our families, communities and societies. Our social identities guide how we calibrate our values, attitudes and behaviour according to the identity standards placed upon us by our cultures, families, and social environments. This affects how we regulate and express our emotions. Therefore, it is important to explore the social perspective of emotions if we want to better understand ourselves and others.

2.5.1 Viewing Emotions with a Social Lens We form our self-image and self-esteem based on how others treat us and what we perceive their opinions of us to be. For example, we feel pride and joy when we are successful in completing a task or attaining a goal. Positive feedback from others will empower us to become more confident and assertive. However, if we fail to meet others’ expectations, we can become burdened with negative emotions, including feelings of insufficiency, unworthiness, guilt or even shame. The social and emotional qualities of connections with our social environment determine the quality of our self-identity and social identity. Our self-identity (personal identity) is how we perceive ourselves. Having a strong sense of identity brings us confidence, comfort and security, and these help us to connect with other people and make good choices. Our social identity, in contrast, is based on how others perceive us—for example, our gender, race, ethnicity, family status and role, and our occupation or profession. Our parents and family members have a strong impact on our identity formation, and the affection or rejection we experience from members of our families also contributes to the formation of our identity. Friendship and relationships additionally shape our concepts of who we are, and become the hallmarks of our identities. We constantly try to confirm both our self-identities and our social identities in different ways. When our self-conception of these identities is confirmed by others, we experience positive emotions. Conversely, when it is neglected or negated, we experience negative emotions. When we experience excessive social rejection, we tend to feel devalued, and this can threaten our social identity and our sense of belonging, and undermine our social and emotional health. However, the EI literature tells us about that individuals with low self-esteem tend to be very sensitive to signals of social acceptance or rejection, and may sometimes perceive rejection that is not really there. It is therefore important that we develop the social and emotional intelligence skills that will enable us to tell the difference, strengthen our communication and relational abilities, and lead a healthy social life.

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2.5.2 Cultural Influence on Our Emotions Culture has significant impact on our social selves. It influences how we understand and regulate our emotions from infancy. Because culture impacts how emotions are sensed and expressed in a given cultural context, cultural salience has become a growing theme in the research on emotions and emotional intelligence. It shapes people’s behaviour and reactions to different situations. Scholars interested in cross-cultural similarities and differences in emotional perception and expression became more prominent in the early 2000s. While some earlier researchers (e.g., Fiske et al., 1998; Markus & Kitayama, 1991), found that in Western cultures people are encouraged express emotions such as excitement and affection freely, in Eastern cultures people are more likely to value low-arousal emotions such as calmness, and the control of strong emotions such as anger and rage (Tsai, 2007). Supporting this assumption, Eid and Diener (2001) presented empirical evidence that Chinese participants from China and Taiwan in their study reported lower-intensity negative emotions than Western participants from America and Australia. In a study aimed at understanding how Asian children regard the social acceptability of their emotional expressions and how they generally regulate their emotions, Raval et al. (2007) recruited a sample of 80 children aged between 5 and 8 from Gujarat on the west coast of India. They wanted to learn about whether the children thought it was okay to express feelings of anger, sadness and physical pain. What they found was that a majority of these children felt that it was less acceptable for them to express anger and sadness than it was to express physical pain. They reported that when they complained about physical discomfort, they received more attention from their parents or carers. In contrast, when they felt anger or sadness, most of them claimed they would sit quietly in a corner to sulk or use facial expressions to express their emotions rather than verbalising them. Over half of these children also reported controlling their feelings for fear of being scolded or reprimanded by their parents, teachers, or other adults. Consistent with this finding, a number of other studies have also found that Indian patients are more likely to report physical symptoms rather than psychological ones when in distress, and to have higher frequency of somatic reactions to depression than Western (non-Asian) patients (e.g., Bhui et al., 2017; Conrad & Pacquiao, 2005). Somatisation is also found to be common among Koreans, who, when under stress, tend to convert their emotional conflicts into somatic symptoms such as body pains, shortness of breath, and fatigue (Kim, 1977; Lin, 1983). These studies suggest that cultural constraints on how we express or suppress our emotions can have harmful impacts on our physical and mental health. Medical scholars (e.g., Waller & Scheidt, 2006) claim that a lack of knowledge of affect regulation and emotional management is a major cause of this problem. Emotions play a key role in how we relate to others and build relationships. Across the years, many researchers have found that although many emotions are universal, some are also deeply culturally influenced. They suggest that, unknowingly, how we

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express or regulate our emotions is strongly shaped by our culture, and that these ‘unwritten codes’ around emotional expression are governed by our culture’s beliefs, values and cultural expectations. Scholars who explore emotions from a cultural dimension often compare individualistic cultures (e.g., European-American cultures) with collectivist cultures (e.g., Asian and some other non-European cultures). Studies have found that American parents, in general, are more likely to encourage their children to express their emotions and to believe that suppression of emotion is unhealthy and harmful (e.g., Richards & Gross, 2000). In contrast, in Asian cultures, expression of emotions is more likely to be discouraged, and the ability to keep one’s emotions to oneself is highly valued (Rothbaum et al., 2000). When a child is in distress, Asian parents are more likely to ignore the child’s need for comfort and attempt to minimise their experience of negative emotions by saying things like “Don’t cry, people will laugh at you!” or to distract the child by giving them a candy or a toy. Moreover, American mothers have been found to be keen to encourage their children to be successful; for example, if their child achieves a high score on their test, they are likely to make a comment such as “You’re really smart!”. A Chinese mother, however, would be more likely to either provide neutral feedback or focus on a task-related comment, such as “Did you know all the questions, or did you just guess some of them?” In this scenario, the American mothers are ‘up-regulating’ their children’s emotions, while the Asian mothers are ‘down-regulating’ them (Ng et al., 2007). Cultural differences in the expression of emotions are also intriguing. For example, happiness is an emotion that most people desire. Yet, there are subtle difference between individualistic and collective cultures in terms of how it should be expressed. For example, David, an Australian vet working in the Hong Kong government, went to work one day happy as a lark. His boss asked, “How are you, Dave?” and he replied, “Outstanding!”. David was immediately advised by his boss that in the Chinese culture, such a response would be interpreted as ‘arrogant’ because it would make the others feel dull, and the usual (accepted) reply should be ‘Okay la’ or ‘So-so’. Moderation is virtue! In a study on anger expression, Haidt and Keltner (1999) also found cultural differences. For example, they found that Indian youths are more likely to express their anger amongst friends and family, while American youths would express their anger publicly, through road rage, standing up for a friend, or having disturbed by noise from their neighbours. Mesquita (2001) also noted some apparent differences between expressions of emotional in individualistic and collectivist cultures. Her observations are summarised in Table 2.2. As illustrated in Sects. 2.5.2 and 2.5.3, culture affects both our appraisal of our own emotions and the coping strategies we use to manage them. This suggests that the focus of emotion-coping strategies differs depending on whether we use an internal locus of coping (reliance on the self) or an external locus of coping (reliance on others). Researchers have pointed out that individuals with bi-cultural backgrounds (e.g., immigrants moving from a collectivist culture to a more individualist one) are

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Table 2.2 Collectivist and individualist emotions Collectivist emotions

Individualist emotions

• Strong attention to the impact of other people’s behaviour on relative social positions

• Less focus on the impact on relative social position

• Show concerns for one’s own social worth and the worth of the in-group

• Focus on personal concerns only

• The social worth of different people is perceived as interconnected. For example, if someone did something embarrassing, the embarrassment will be regarded as an insult to the family or the group

• One is responsible for one’s own action

• Social sharing of emotions ensures that others share in the concern and behave accordingly. For example, Cousin Tom is engaged, how will that affect us?

• Social sharing is usually informational or about events

• Focused on relationships and action readiness is keen

• Focus on self, therefore, less regard for action readiness (to help or support)

better able to cope with emotional distress because they have two different sets of skills. For example, Kiefer (1974) found that second-generation Japanese Americans have two different coping repertoires that they could use to meet the demands of their different cultural contexts. Likewise, Aboriginal Australian children in the same time frame appeared to use two different sets of strategies to cope with the demands of their parents in their traditional culture, and of Western teachers at school (Davidson et al., 1978). Developing our EI can help us to understand more about our own needs and concerns despite cultural differences and changes. With a better understanding of how our emotions affect us and how we respond emotionally to others’ demand, we will be able to cope better with the demands of modern life and develop stronger resilience and emotional competence.

2.5.3 The Benefits of Developing Social-Emotional Intelligence Renowned professor of psychology Bar-On maintains that having social-emotional intelligence (SEI) is important to our personal development. It helps us to understand and express ourselves effectively, to relate to others better, and to successfully cope with daily demands and challenges. People with high SEI can manage personal, social, and environmental change flexibly by both coping with the immediate situation and making wise choices and decisions. Students who have received training and development in SEI skills have been found to be able to perceive and appraise their emotions more effectively and are

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more proficient in regulating them and establishing better relationships with others (Cherry et al., 2012). In the last 20 years, scholars in the field have therefore designed and delivered programs for teaching SEI practices and therapeutic interventions (e.g., Berenson et al., 2008; Cherry et al., 2012; Collins, 2013; Fuentes et al., 2014; Maree et al., 2013; Ning et al., 2012). These studies have provided proof that students who take SEI programs at school are better able to manage their academic performance, make sound choices about their personal and social decisions and show positive attitudes towards themselves and others. They also indicated that these young people showed enhanced self-efficacy, increased self-confidence, more persistence in their tasks, more empathy when connecting with peers, and a greater ability to articulate their goals and sense of purpose. They showed reduced risk-taking behaviours and emotional stress both at school and at home. Their grades improved, their class attendance became regular, and they had reduced conduct problems (Farrington et al., 2012; Sklad et al., 2012). Educators believe that training teachers to explicitly teach social and emotional skills is an important part of teacher education and professional development (Merrell & Gueldner, 2010; Zins et al., 2004). Teachers can be shown ways to foster such skills in students through their interpersonal and student-centred instructional interactions throughout the school day (Williford & Wolcott, 2015). Teachers who are skilled and knowledgeable in SEI are also able to provide emotional support and generate opportunities and experiences to promote student engagement and student autonomy throughout the educational process. Finally, the school community can also reinforce learned SEI skills by providing students with additional opportunities to refine and apply them (Catalano et al., 2004). Part VI of this book will discuss in more depth how teachers and parents can enhance children’s EI and SEI both at school and at home.

References Ashby, F. G., & Maddox, W. T. (2005). Human category learning. Annual Review of Psychology, 56, 149–178. Barrett, L. F. (2017). How emotions are made: The secret life of the brain. Houghton Mifflin Harcourt. Barrett, L. F., & Russell, J. A. (Eds.). (2015). The psychological construction of emotion. Guilford. Bar-Haim, Y., Fox, N. A., Benson, B., Guyer, A. E., Williams, A., Nelson, E. E., Perez-Edgar, K., Pine, D. S., & Ernst, M. (2009). Neural correlates of reward processing in adolescents with a history of inhibited temperament. Psychological Science, 20(8), 1009–1018. https://doi.org/10. 1111/j.1467-9280.2009.02401.x Berenson, R., Boyles, G., & Weaver, A. (2008). Emotional intelligence as a predictor for success in online learning. International Review of Research in Open and Distance Learning, 9(2), 1–16. Bhui, K. S., Dinos, S., & McKenzie, K. (2017). Ethnicity and its influence on suicide rates and risk. Ethnicity & Health, 17(1–2), 141–148. Bolte, A., Goschke, T., & Kuhl, J. (2003). Emotion and intuition: Effects of positive and negative mood on implicit judgments of semantic coherence. Psychological Science, 14(5), 416–421. https://doi.org/10.1111/1467-9280.01456

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Haidt, J., & Keltner, D. (1999). Culture and facial expression: Open-ended methods find more expressions and a gradient of recognition. Cognition and Emotion, 13(3), 225–266. https://doi. org/10.1080/026999399379267 Holman, C. T. (2017). Treating emotional Trauma with Chinese medicine. ISBN:: 9781848193185. Kiefer, C. (1974). Changing cultures, changing lives. Jossey Bass. Kim, K. I. (1977). Clinical study of primary depressive symptom-part II: Symptom pattern of the Korean depressive. Journal of the Korean Neuropsychiatric Association, 16, 46–52. Lin, K. M. (1983). Hwa-Byung—A Korean culture-bound syndrome? American Journal of Psychiatry, 140(1), 105–107. https://doi.org/10.1176/ajp.140.1.105 Maddox, W. T., Baldwin, G., & Markman, A. (2006). A test of the regulatory fit hypothesis in perceptual classification learning. Memory & Cognition, 34(7), 1377–1397. https://doi.org/10. 3758/bf03195904 Maree, J. G., Fletcher, L., & Erasmus, P. (2013). The relationship between emotional intelligence, study orientation in mathematics and the mathematics achievement of the middle adolescent. Journal of Psychology in Africa, 23(2), 205–211. https://doi.org/10.1080/14330237.2013.108 20616 Markus, H. R., & Kitayama, S. (1991). Culture and the self: Implications for cognition, emotion, and motivation. Psychological Review, 98(2), 224–253. https://doi.org/10.1037/0033-295x.98. 2.224 McNally, R. J. (1998). Information-processing abnormalities in anxiety disorders: Implications for cognitive neuroscience. Cognition and Emotion., 12, 479–495. https://doi.org/10.1080/026999 398379682 Merrell, K. W., & Gueldner, B. A. (2010). Social and emotional learning in the classroom: Promoting mental health and academic success. Guilford Press. Mesquita, B. (2001). Culture and emotion: Different approaches to the question. In T. J. Mayne & G. A. Bonanno (Eds.), Emotions: Current issues and future directions (pp. 214–250). Guilford Press. Nestor, P. J., Fryer, T. D., & Hodges, J. R. (2006). Declarative memory impairments in Alzheimer’s disease and semantic dementia. NeuroImage, 30(3), 1010–1020. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.neuroi mage.2005.10.008 Ng, F., Pomerantz, E., & Lam, S. (2007). European American and Chinese parents’ responses to children’s success and failure: Implications for children’s responses. Developmental Psychology, 43(5), 1239–1255. https://doi.org/10.1037/0012-1649.43.5.1239 Ning, W., Wilhite, S. C., Wyatt, J., Young, T., & Bloemker, G. (2012). Impact of a college freshman social and emotional learning curriculum on student learning outcomes: An exploratory study. Journal of University Teaching & Learning Practice, 9(2), 1–20. Oudeyer, P.-Y., Gottlieb, J., & Lopes, M. (2016). Intrinsic motivation, curiosity, and learning: Theory and applications in educational technologies. Progress in Brain Research, 229, 257–284. https:// doi.org/10.1016/bs.pbr.2016.05.005 Patterson, K., Nestor, P. J., & Rogers, T. (2007). Where do you know what you know? The representation of semantic knowledge in the human brain. Nature Reviews Neuroscience, 8, 976–987. https://doi.org/10.1038/nrn2277 Pessoa, L. (2008). On the relationship between emotion and cognition. Nature Reviews Neuroscience, 9(2), 148–158. https://doi.org/10.1038/nrn2317 Plutchik, R., & Kellerman, H. (1980). Theories of emotion. Academic Press. Raval, V. V., Martini, T. S., & Raval, P. H. (2007). “Would others think it is okay to express my feelings?” Regulation of anger, sadness, and physical pain in Gujarati children in India. Social Development, 16(1), 79–105. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1467-9507.2007.00373.x Richards, J. M., & Gross, J. J. (2000). Emotion regulation and memory: The cognitive costs of keeping one’s cool. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 79(3), 410–424. https://doi. org/10.1037/0022-3514.79.3.410

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Rothbaum, F., Pott, M., Azuma, H., Miyake, K., & Weisz, J. (2000). The development of close relationships in Japan and the US: Pathways of symbiotic harmony and generative tension. Child Development, 71(5). 1121–1142. https://doi.org/10.1111/1467-8624.00214 SixSeconds. (2017). Plutchik’s wheel of emotions: Exploring the emotion wheel. http://www.6se conds.org/2017/04/27/plutchiks-model-of-emotions Sklad, M., Diekstra, R., Ritter, M. D., Ben, J., & Gravesteijn, C. (2012). Effectiveness of schoolbased universal social, emotional, and behavioral programs: Do they enhance students’ development in the area of skill, behavior, and adjustment? Psychology in the Schools, 49(9), 892–909. https://doi.org/10.1002/pits.21641 Spielberg, J. M., Miller, G. A., Engels, A. S., Herrington, J. D., Sutton, B. P., Banich, M. T., & Heller, W. (2011). Trait approach and avoidance motivation: lateralized neural activity associated with executive function. NeuroImage, 54(1), 661–670. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.neuroimage. 2010.08.037 Taylor, S. F., Liberzon, I., Fig, L. M., Decker, L. R., Minoshima, S., & Koeppe, R. A. (1998). The effect of emotional content on visual recognition memory: A PET activation study. NeuroImage, 8(2), 188–197. https://doi.org/10.1006/nimg.1998.0356 Talmi, D., Schimmack, U., Paterson, T., & Moscovitch, M. (2007). The role of attention and relatedness in emotionally enhanced memory. Emotion, 7(1), 89–102. https://doi.org/10.1037/15283542.7.1.89 Tao, W. (1999). Chinese medicine theory: Pathogenic factors. Qigong & Chi Kung. http://damoqigong.net/pathogen1.htm Tsai, J. L. (2007). Ideal affect: Cultural causes and behavioral consequences. Perspectives on Psychological Science, 2(3), 242–259. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1745-6916.2007.00043.x Vogel, S., & Schwabe, L. (2016). Learning and memory under stress: Implications for the classroom. Science of Learning, 1(1), 1–10. https://doi.org/10.1038/npjscilearn.2016.11 Vuilleumier, P. (2005). How brains beware: Neural mechanisms of emotional attention. Trends in Cognitive Sciences, 9(12), 585–594. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.tics.2005.10.011 Waller, E., & Scheidt, C. E. (2006). Somatoform disorders as disorders of affect regulation: A development perspective. International Review of Psychiatry, 18(1), 13–24. https://doi.org/10. 1080/09540260500466774 Williford, A. P., & Wolcott, C. S. (2015). SEL and student-teacher relationships. In J. A. Durlak, C. E. Domitrovich, R. P. Weissberg, & T. P. Gullotta (Eds.), Handbook of social and emotional learning: Research and practice (n.p.). Guilford Press. Zins, J. E., Weissberg, R. P., Wang, M. C., & Walberg, H. J. (Eds.). (2004). Building academic success on social and emotional learning: What does the research say? Teachers College Press.

Chapter 3

Functions of Emotions

3.1 Introduction Emotions are the colours in the tapestries of our lives. They can be positive, feelgood ones like happiness, love and pride, or negative, irksome ones, like sadness, embarrassment or anger. Some people claim that there are no positive or negative emotions. We just need to accept them as we experience them. However, we do experience emotions that are not very pleasant, thus, in this book, the term ‘negative emotions’ is still used. Unpleasant emotions can be fleeting, like a burst of irritation at a co-worker, or long-lasting, like the enduring grief over the loss of a relationship or someone dear. They can distract us from our work, drain our ability to focus or recall information and compel us to act irrationally, leading to distressing or even devastating consequences. So why do we have them? Why do we get emotional? What should we do when we experience powerful emotions that lead us out of control? Are there good and bad emotions? How do they affect us? When we interpret emotions through a functional lens, we can improve our ability to identify them as we experience them, and make informed choices about whether or not they are helpful to us in particular situations. This chapter discusses the functions of our emotions, using findings from both scholarly articles and empirical studies to illustrate their different functions and how they impact our lives. It also discusses how we respond to our emotions, and the defensive mechanisms we use to cope with unpleasant ones.

3.2 An Evolutional Interpretation of the Functions of Emotions Decades of research insights have progressively increased our knowledge of how our emotions function. In 1872, Charles Darwin declared that from an evolutionary perspective, they were biologically rooted and existed to propel people to respond © The Author(s), under exclusive license to Springer Nature Singapore Pte Ltd. 2022 M. Gonzales, Emotional Intelligence for Students, Parents, Teachers and School Leaders, https://doi.org/10.1007/978-981-19-0324-3_3

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quickly to the demands of their environment in order to survive, adapt and undertake their missions in life. For example, fear pushed our ancestors to run from man-eating beasts, or to fight off others who came to steal their food or possessions. Frustration pushed them to invent the wheel. Grief at loss of lives prompted them to build structures to protect their families from fierce animals and stormy weather. Darwin also suggested that emotions helped early humans to communicate and bond with others. Communication is vital in establishing social relationships and social cohesion, and ancient cave paintings and carved symbols trace the evolution of human expression of emotions and show us how our ancestors communicated with one another. Incorporating his observations of and studies on human psychology and adaptive behaviour, Darwin put forward three principles about the origins of human emotions. They are: 1.

2.

3.

The principle of serviceable habits: In order to survive, people developed different emotions which were reinforced over time, such as disgust. A feeling of disgust, triggered via sight, smell or taste, plays a key role in stopping us from drinking dirty water, eating poisonous or rotten food and getting too close to sick people, vomit and dangerous situations. So, disgust serves a useful function for us—it protects us from potential health threats. The principle of antithesis: People (and some animals) express emotions physically, through facial expressions and/or body gestures. When contrasting emotions are present, the physical expression will be the opposite of the first. Darwin used the example of a man who, when confronted with something challenging, takes a firm stance with shoulders squared, chest jutted out and muscles tensed up to show that he is ready to act. When no signs of danger are present, however, the same man will react by shrugging his shoulders and stretching out his open arms to show that there is nothing to worry about. When this man feels proud, he looks up and expands his chest to express it, when he feels ashamed he covers his face and drops his shoulders. The principle of involuntariness (nervous discharge): When people experience an intense emotion such as fear, there is a build-up of energy that results in a nervous discharge such as screaming or trembling. Equally, when we feel sorrow, we cry. Early studies of the evolutionary aspects of emotions give rise to some understanding of emotions, not only in humans but also in animals. The study of human and animal facial expressions and postures is still a rich source of information about emotions. However, an explosion of research on the topic has taken place since Darwin’s era, and consequently, contemporary scientists hold different views of human emotions than Darwin.

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3.3 Alternative Views on the Functions of Emotions Congruent with Darwinian views on evolution and emotional development, Robert Plutchik (Plutchik & Kellerman, 1980) considers emotions to be similar to traits, and claims that they are “basic adaptations needed by all organisms in the struggle for individual survival” (p. 145). He suggests that emotions are associated with behaviours, and ‘emotion’ is a term used to describe these adaptative behaviours. As noted in Chapter 2, Plutchik has identified eight basic emotions, namely fear, anger, joy, sadness, acceptance, disgust, expectancy, and surprise. Readers interested in more in-depth discussion of the functions of emotions are encouraged to read the works of Plutchik. Table 3.1 summarises Plutchik’s explanation of how emotions lead to specific adaptative behaviours. However, the Darwinian, evolutionary view of the functionality of emotions has largely been replaced by a number of alternative theories. One of them, proposed by James Averill (1983), is that emotions are not merely biological, and that some emotions do not involve physical reactions at all. Averill identifies emotions as social phenomena that can be understood from a dispositional or schematic aspect instead. He considers both emotions and traits to be human dispositions, and categorises emotions as short, temporary mental states that a person experiences (e.g., anxiety and fear), which are different from personality traits (e.g., neuroticism), when a person with such a disposition would be prone to suffer long-term anxiety. Averill also believes that emotions are parts of the cognitive schemas (concepts, beliefs, goals and plans) which help us to make sense of our experiences and guide our behaviours. Some of these schemas are legacies from our evolutionary past, while others are shaped by our cultures and are products of our individual experiences. They teach us about our social roles and how to behave in accordance with social norms and social expectations. Importantly, however, Averill argues that schemas Table 3.1 Emotions and adaptative behaviours as described by Plutchik Emotion

Adaptative behavior

Fear

Protection: in response to pain or threat

Anger

Destruction: to destroy a barrier

Joy

Reproduction: maintenance of contact, act of sexual pleasure

Sadness

Reintegration: a response to a loss of something, to seek pleasure or nutrient

Acceptance

Incorporation: The acceptance of a stimulus

Disgust

Rejection: the removal of something unpleasant or harmful

Expectancy

Exploration: to respond to the urge to examine the environment

Surprise

Orientation: stopping or freezing to understand what is happening, to decide if something beneficial or harmful is taking place

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are not static, but dynamic, and undergo continual and dramatic changes during the course of an emotional episode. Other studies on emotion argue that all emotions are closely linked to behaviours and action tendencies. Our emotions affect our perception, attention, learning, memory, choice, physical reactions, and behavioural decision-making. They also activate certain systems in our body and deactivate others, enabling coordinated responses to stimuli. For example, when someone is anxious or scared, their digestive system slows down, reducing saliva production: thus, they get a dry mouth. At the same time, their heart rate increases to pump more blood to their muscles and brain, their lungs take in more air to give the body more oxygen and their pupils dilate so that they can see better in order to run away (Borgomaneri et al., 2014; Hansen & Hansen, 1988; Öhman et al., 2001; Pinkham et al., 2010; Schutter et al., 2008; Van Loon et al., 2010). Emotions, in other words, are waves of energy that flow through our minds and bodies to help us to understand how we connect with ourselves, our environment and our family and friends, and how we build and maintain relationships. How much do you know about the different aspects of your emotions? How good are you at recognising your emotions and those of others?

3.4 Say Hello to Some of Your Core Emotions Our emotions point to our underlying needs and desires, and different emotions affect us differently at different times. Having a better understanding of how these emotions affect us and others can help us to become more motivated, rescue ourselves from destructive thought and behaviour patterns, and become better and happier people. The following sections present research findings on some of the core emotions we need to understand in order to do this.

3.4.1 Happiness and Joy Happiness is a much-sought-after positive emotion, which is also described as contentment, amusement or joy. Although these terms are used as synonyms most of the time, they are felt and explained in different ways by different people. For example, some argue that happiness is a state attained when a desire is met, whereas contentment is the elevated spirit we feel when we are naturally free from desire (Fredrickson, 2013; Kragel & LaBar, 2013). Happiness was described by early philosophers Aristotle and Plato as hedonic and eudemonic. Hedonic happiness (hedonism) is the pursuit of pleasure and the avoidance of with the motivational component of enjoyment while eudemonic happiness (eudemonism) is a state of inner peace and harmony a joy obtained through selfactualising experiences and self-achievement. Other scholars have suggested that

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happiness is the primary emotion that elicits other feelings such as amusement, contentment, interest, curiosity, fun, silliness, intimacy, relief and calmness. Happiness can reduce negative feelings such as anxiety, worry, sadness and arousal, especially when bonding with others. Some researchers have also found that happiness can increase mental abilities such as verbal working memory, cognitive flexibility, cognitive control, and increased working memory capacity (Ashby et al., 1999; Berridge & Kringelbach, 2013; Deci & Ryan, 2008; Ekman & Cordaro, 2011; Fredrickson, 2013; Storbeck & Maswood, 2016; Suardi et al., 2016). Social scientists Forest et al. (1979) argued that when we are happy, we are more likely to show empathy to others through acts such as helping a stranger. Scientific data have also shown that such acts of kindness associated with a happy state of mind are driven by the neurochemical change caused by increased levels of dopamine and oxytocin in our brains. Other psychology writers have also suggested that happiness fosters behavioural changes that enhance social bonding and attachment, promote trust and prosocial behaviour and boost cooperation and support (Baron et al., 1990; Christie & Friedman, 2004; Dunn & Schweitzer, 2005; Shiota et al., 2017; Tsai et al., 2002). Our personality traits and how we respond to happiness also seem to have implications for how we respond to relational demands. The extensive literature on the study of happiness and relationships agrees that a person’s state of happiness can affect their marriage and relationship satisfaction, their sense of self-worth and self-esteem, and their help-seeking behaviours. In essence, happiness facilitates relational bonds and fosters a sense of wellbeing, which has a cyclical effect as it prompts people to develop more quality relationships, leading to more joy. (Cacioppo et al., 2008; Johnson & Fredrickson, 2005; Lucas et al., 2003). We all seek out happiness and peace because they make us feel good. However, the concept of happiness is not the same in every culture. Tsai et al. (2006) found that people in individualistic cultures (e.g., most modern Western cultures) seek highstimulation forms of happiness, such as excitement, success, a sense of achievement, social status or wealth. In contrast, Eastern cultures (and other communal cultures) tend to seek low-stimulation forms of happiness such as physical comfort and health and feelings of peace, wellbeing and calmness. While people in Western cultures pursue satisfaction through winning competitions, protecting their individual freedoms and self-interest, climbing the corporate ladder or breaking glass ceilings, people in collective cultures are more likely to find joy in looking after the social wellbeing of their fellow countrymen, their extended families, the environment and life sources in nature. Joshanloo (2014) describes the West as self-focused and the East as self- transcendent.

3.4.1.1

Joy

Joy is thought to be a deeper emotion than happiness. Harvard psychology professor Dan Gilbert has explained the difference by saying that when you win the lottery, for example, you experience happiness, but when you give birth to a child, you experience

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joy. We experience joy when we care for others, when we feel thankful and when we attain inner peace and contentment. While happiness is a momentary experience, joy is long-lasting. Joy is also associated with spiritual experiences such as feeling close to god. It can also come as a sudden burst of happiness—an experience like riding an elevator to a higher level of happiness. Joy is also associated with hope (Wright, 2015). When we have been longing for something to happen and the day finally arrives—for example, when we learn about the end of a war or pandemic—we experience a sense of joy. Joy is also experienced when a good event is better than anticipated: for example, getting not only promotion but also a company car and free accommodation in a luxury apartment. We also experience joy when we achieve triumph after a long period of struggle— e.g., winning a court case—or a sudden change in our life fortunes, e.g., by finding happiness in relationships after the loss of someone dear (Wright, 2015). And joy can be associated with pride: we feel happy, proud and joyful when we win a contest or get the promotion we worked so hard for. Joy and happiness are self-conscious emotions. We feel them only when we are aware that we are happy and joyful. Some people with specific psychiatric conditions are not able to recognise happiness or feel joy even when others create such opportunities for them. This inability to gain pleasure from happy experiences is known as anhedonia, and is a clinical feature of depression, schizophrenia and other mental illnesses. When we feel joyful, we know our lives are going well. We feel thankful, and we generally become kinder and more helpful towards others.

3.4.2 Sadness and Depression Psychologists argue that people experience two types of pain: physical pain and social pain. When we are injured or suffering from an illness, we experience physical pain. Social pain, on the other hand, is caused by feelings with negative consequences that are related to psychological distance from other people (Chen et al., 2008; MacDonald, 2009). Sadness and depression are forms of social pain that are also associated with physical suffering. Sadness is a form of emotional pain hard to described with words. An example of a definition is that it is a transient emotional state characterised by feelings of disinterest, disappointment, dampened mood, hopelessness and grief. Sadness is a healthy emotional response, part of the ups and downs of life, and it serves to inform us of what is important to us and signals our need for care and compassion. Sadness tells us that we are unable to achieve a goal or a desire, and it motivates us, triggering us to make more of an effort to deal with the challenges we are facing and prompting us to make choices that will improve our lives (Moors et al., 2013; Qiao-Tasserit et al., 2017).

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Sadness can be expressed in many different ways, including crying, lethargy, quietness and withdrawal from others. It is perhaps the most common feeling associated with grief, but it can also be caused by relational conflict, feeling pressure at work or at home, or being ill or watching someone you love suffer illness. It is not a passive emotion; it can lead us to a cognitive restructuring as we think about the causes and consequences of our sadness. Many of us are even motivated by sad experiences to develop resilience and become stronger (Cooper & Shallice, 2006; Watkins & Teasdale, 2001). Sadness is often triggered by the feeling of loss. Losses that trigger sadness can include the loss of a sense of safety, the loss of love, the loss of employment or status and the loss of possessions, pets, and people dear to us. Losing someone suddenly can be shocking and traumatic, especially when it is an accident, and grief for a loss can be experienced as a sense of emptiness or despair. Overcoming such grief can take a long time, as the amount of time spent in grief depends on the personality of the individual and how attached they were to the person they have lost. Severe reactions to traumatic loss caused by death can even change a person’s behaviour, and lead to relational breakdown if it is not handled well. It is therefore important that bereaved people receive kindness and support from their network of family and friends (Bonanno et al., 2005; Nezlek et al., 2008). Sadness also shows us that we have empathy for others. Children, for example, can feel sad for characters they read about in books (Levine, 1995), and adults too often shed a tear or two in response to sad stories in the news or struggling characters in a movie. And eventually, we all come back from feelings of sadness and grief. But extended periods of sadness may lead to depression, which is a more prolonged state.

3.4.2.1

Depression

Depression is a potentially life-threatening mental disorder, which can occur at any age. It can fall into a few different categories, the most common being major depression. People clinically diagnosed with major depression show depressive symptoms that interfere with their ability to work, study, sleep, eat and enjoy life throughout most of the day for at least two weeks. These can include feelings of hopelessness or extreme pessimism, an overwhelming sense of emptiness and persistent feelings of anxiety. Physically, people with depression may feel a loss of energy, fatigue, difficulty concentrating, remembering or decision-making, sleep disturbances or insomnia, or oversleeping and not wanting to get up. Some may also experience changes in appetite or weight, digestive problems, aches and pains with unknown causes, and even thoughts of suicide (Burnam et al., 2011). The 2012 World Mental Health Survey found that on average about 1 in 20 people in 17 countries reported experiencing an episode of depression in the previous year (WHO, 2012), and the number of people with depression is growing globally. Another form of depression is perinatal depression, which can be experienced by women during pregnancy or after giving birth. Women with perinatal depression

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feel overwhelmed, anxious, irritable and angry for no identifiable reason. They may become weepy and feel sad all the time, or feel intensely worried about the baby but have no energy to tend to it, leading them to feel guilty and worthless. Some may lose interest in their newborn due to the degree of physical and psychological discomfort they are experiencing. They may also experience headaches and chest pain, or feel that they cannot breathe properly (hyperventilation). This may be caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain and body during pregnancy. Luckily, over 90% of women who experience perinatal depression recover within weeks, particularly when treated with medication or psychotherapy (Ng et al., 2010; Stuart-Parrigon & Stuart, 2014). A third common form of depression is seasonal affective disorder (SAD). A small number of people who live in countries that are usually cold, dark and gloomy, without much sunshine in winter, have been found to suffer from major depressive episodes during the winter months but recover in spring and summer when they have access to more daylight. Scientists attribute this to hormones, neurotransmitters in the brain and body, and genetic and other psychological factors. Treatment with light therapy and Cognitive Behavioural Therapy have proven to be effective in helping people with SAD (Lambert et al., 2002). Yet another common form of depression discussed in the literature is psychotic depression. This is a type of depression found in people who have both severe depression and some form of psychosis such as delusions or hallucinations (hearing or seeing things that others cannot hear or see). These problems have been found to be associated with neuro-psychological factors and chemical imbalances in the brain. Depression, in other words, is a complex condition that can be triggered by situational events, genetic factors or chemical imbalances in the human body. However, it can be treated, and people with depression can get better with a combination of medical treatment, psychotherapy, and most importantly, support from family and friends.

3.4.3 Pride and Embarrassment While pride is seen as a positive emotion in most Westernised cultures, in some others, it is considered undesirable and even a sin. But what does pride tell us? What can we learn from feeling proud? Is pride a good thing or a bad thing? Poggi and D’Errico (2010) identified three types of pride: 1. 2.

3.

Dignity pride: when one is in the state of being dignified or worthy of respect and appreciation. Superiority pride: when one feels that winning makes one stronger and will elevate one’s social status. People feeling superiority pride think they are stronger, better than and superior to others. Arrogance pride: when one believes that one has power over others but does not acknowledge the power or ability of others. At times, people feeling arrogance pride may engage in abusive actions to belittle others.

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Tracy and Robins argue that pride has an adaptive function that might have evolved to provide information about the individual’s current level of social status and acceptance (Tracy & Robins, 2007). Tracy (2016) also explains that pride can be both healthy and unhealthy. Healthy pride is a sign of self-confidence, and presents a positive notion of self- worth. When we feel a healthy sense of pride, it tells us that we are not satisfied with a mediocre performance and want to do better. It is a genuine feel-good emotion that is not driven by a need to compete with others or to put them down. On the other hand, unhealthy pride is associated with a strong ego and an amplified sense of self-worth. Unhealthy pride is an aggressive declaration of personal superiority in order to inflate one’s self-image. People who constantly display superiority pride or arrogance pride are usually defensive and authoritarian in their behaviour, suggesting that under the surface they may actually feel insecure. Supporting this view, Kaufman et al. (2018) noted that people who exhibit unhealthy pride are generally antisocial and engage in rule-breaking behaviour. They assume that they know more than others, but actually have a myopic perspective that is characterised by self-righteousness and a sense of power over others. People who indulge in long-term arrogance pride may develop into narcissists who relentlessly manipulate their power in order to feed their egos with grandiose plans. This may lead to unconscious behaviour disorder.

3.4.3.1

Embarrassment

Embarrassment tells us that we have violated some social conventions or norms, making us feel unpleasant. This could be a minor error that we can laugh off, or a painful experience such as public humiliation, which can cause restlessness, loss of appetite and insomnia. We feel embarrassment because we are conscious of the social rules around us and not indifferent to them or cold-hearted about making social missteps. Embarrassment is sometimes accompanied by physiological changes such as blushing, sweating or stammering. Some people are more prone to embarrassment than others, especially those who are sensitive or who experience social anxiety. On the other hand, there are some people who rarely feel embarrassment. These people tend to have high levels of self-confidence and self-esteem, and can easily laugh off a small social blunder. However, people who are generally arrogant or apathetic do not feel embarrassment easily, and when they do, are likely to display defensive behaviour to cover up their emotions. Some people are unable to understand the feelings of others, and are therefore less responsive to the feeling of embarrassment; these people may be diagnosed as psychopaths. Sometimes it is hard to overcome embarrassment, especially embarrassment that is related to humiliation. But overcoming embarrassment can help us build our resilience. We can engage in supportive self-talk and affirm to ourselves that we are not overreacting. After all, the feeling of embarrassment that bothers you is solely in your head. If you let it go and stop thinking about it, you can gain perspective on the

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mistake you have made and move forward from it. It is not easy, and can take time, but you can be kind to yourself and forgive your missteps. It is part of self-growth.

3.4.4 Guilt and Shame Guilt and shame share very similar characteristics. They are both unpleasant emotions and are considered self-conscious ones. They encompass feelings of distress that are elicited by one’s perception of having failed or transgressed. Intense feelings of guilt and shame over a long period of time can be associated with psychological disorders such as depression, social anxiety and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) (Andrews et al., 2000; Orth et al., 2006; Tangney & Tracy, 2012). Wilson et al. (2006) argue that guilt comprises negative emotions related to wrongdoings or perceived failures to act appropriately, whereas shame is a negative evaluation of one’s own worth in the wake of acting “wrongly”. According to this conceptualisation, guilt is concentrated on one’s actions, while shame is directed toward one’s moral integrity and self- worth, and how one is perceived by others. In addition, shame includes feelings of disgrace, dishonour, loss of self-esteem, loss of virtue and loss of personal integrity (Wilson et al., 2006). Many trauma survivors feel guilt, and blame themselves for ‘causing’ the trauma. For example, a rape victim may feel that she caused the rape by dressing in a certain way, or children of abusive parents that they were abused because they behaved badly (Kubany & Manke, 1995). In a study on college students’ emotional responses to different types of trauma, Amstadter and Vernon (2008) found that students who experienced sexual and physical assault felt a higher level of guilt than those who experienced traffic accidents or other physical injuries. They also found that these students’ guilty thoughts led to negative emotional responses such as distress, uneasiness and anger, and that these feeling were often accompanied by the desire to go back to the past and undo the wrong (Pitman et al., 1991).

3.4.4.1

Shame

Shame is a multifaceted emotional experience that includes emotional, physical, behavioural, social-cognitive and internal self-evaluative components. The emotional component comprises self-disgust, anger and anxiety. The physical component comprises blushing and changes in sleeping patterns, appetite and bodily stress. The behavioural component involves avoidance (of eye contact or social interactions), aggressive behaviour and a desire for revenge (Gilbert, 2002). Researchers claim that self-conscious emotions such as shame, guilt, pride and embarrassment can only occur when an individual has a sense of self-awareness and self-esteem (Gilbert, 2011; Lewis, 1998; Tracy & Robins, 2007). The consciousness of shame emerges in infancy, at around the age of 18–24 months, becomes more

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evident when children reach the ages of 3–6 and begin to learn more about rules, goals and standards. Barrett et al. (1993) found that young children aged 3–6 would hide a toy they broke or make an effort to ‘mend’ it, demonstrating shame-relevant behaviour. However, most children do not understand shame in the way that adults do until the age of seven or older. Some researchers have also found that children with Autism Spectrum Disorder are less likely to feel shame due to differences in cognitive ability (Griffin, 1995; Lewis, 2000). Higgins et al. (1986) argue that shame is interpreted from two perspectives: a personal perspective (what you believe in) and another perspective (what others who are important to you believe in). They claim that we evaluate ourselves from six standpoints: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6.

actual/own: your actual self against your own expectations of yourself. actual/other: your actual self against others’ expectations of you. ideal/own; your ideal self against your own expectations of yourself. ideal/other: your ideal self against others’ expectations of you. ought/own: what you ought to be or do according to your own expectations. ought/other: what you ought to be or do according to others’ expectations.

People compare their actual selves to internalised social standards and norms: the ideal and ought self. When there is a discrepancy in meeting these expectations, they feel emotional discomfort in the form of shame, guilt, or embarrassment. In their study of shame and guilt, Tracy and Robins (2006) asked students to indicate how they felt about their school grades and exam results. Their findings suggest that students who attributed their low grades to their ability (an internal, uncontrollable factor) were more likely to express shame, while those who attributed their low grades to their lack of effort (an internal, controllable cause) were more likely to express guilt instead. Similarly, Yi and Baumgartner (2011) surveyed impulsive shoppers and found that those who expressed shame attributed the behaviour to their inability to control themselves, e.g., “My impulse buying reflects my weak self”, but those who expressed guilt linked the temptation to the ‘unbeatable discount’ and ‘sales promotion’ e.g., “I got temporarily carried away by a discount”, attributing their impulsivity to situational and short-term factors. Shame is also related to a sense of inferiority. People tend to feel inferior and easily shamed when they do not live up to their expectations of themselves—ideal self or ought self. This can include issues such as body image, academic or work success, financial achievement, social status, and moral standards. Cultural elements also play a part. For example, it is a common phenomenon in Asian cultures to admire people who attain a high social and financial status. This is why many Asians like to dress in expensive brands and drive expensive cars. This pattern is evident in many high schools in Australia: a middle-class Asian student driving a second-hand Toyota would feel embarrassed, or even ashamed, when parking next to the lucky classmate who got a brand-new Mercedes as a birthday present, while in contrast, a non-Asian student two spaces down in the same car park would be more likely to feel pride even in a $500 ‘bomb’ if it was paid for with money earned at a part-time job.

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3.4.5 Anger and Frustration We all experience anger from time to time. Anger is a sign that we have been hurt, that our needs have not been met, that our demands and expectations have not been realised, that our rights have been violated, or just that events have surprised us in an unpleasant way. Williams (2017) argues that anger is an inborn sense developed early in life, and is natural and universal. But anger can also degrade communication and threaten friendships. Throughout our childhood we develop ways to express our anger: while some learn calm and composed reactions, others turn to aggressive or violent behaviour. If we are not taught as children how to deal with our anger responsibly, we can mess up our relationships with friends and loved ones through inappropriate expressions of anger. To understand anger, we must be aware of its three dimensions: physical, cognitive/emotional, and behavioural. In the physical dimension when we feel anger we experience changes in our physical state. Our breath gets shorter, our heart rate increases, and our blood pressure may rise. Some of us turn red in the face; some stutter or raise their voices. Cognitively, anger may cloud our minds and make it hard to think rationally, which can create an intense and sometimes uncontrollable emotional state that produces undesirable behaviour such as swearing, hitting or destructive acts (Williams, 2017). Some psychologists connect anger to personality traits and believe that people with certain traits such as neuroticism are more prone to anger and hostility (Barefoot, 1992; Buss & Perry, 1992; Cook & Medley, 1954). Spielberger et al. (1985) suggest that there are two kinds of anger: healthy and unhealthy anger. Unhealthy anger comprises three elements: anger, hostility, and aggression. The authors argue that while anger is an emotional state that is mainly intrapersonal (i.e., directed at the self and at circumstances that affect the self), hostility is ‘other-directed’. People who are chronically angry and hostile are likely to have lived through traumatic experiences which have shaped their personality, making them more likely to be cynical, unable to build trust in others and suspicious that people are out to hurt them or cause them harm. Some may engage in withdrawal behaviours, while others can be aggressive, hot-tempered, or even violent. Those who experience unhealthy anger tend to have higher levels of anger and frequently feel hatred, sadness, resentment and fear. They are also more likely to employ destructive behaviours to vent their feelings. Cook and Medley (1954) developed the Ho Scale Personality Inventory to learn more about anger and hostility. The selected examples from the scale listed below will give you an insight of what hostility looks like: • Antagonism: ‘I am often inclined to go out of my way to win a point with someone who has opposed me’. • Alienation: ‘ I am not likely to speak to people until they speak to me’. • Physical aggression: ‘If somebody hits me first, I let him have it’. • Cynicism-mistrust: ‘I know people tend to talk about me behind my back’. • Angry reactivity: ‘When I am angry, I sometimes sulk’. • Anger expression: ‘I have physically hurt someone in a fight’.

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• Neuroticism: ‘I never do anything right’. • Anger valuation: ‘People should never get irritated’ (Cook & Medley, 1954). Anger is usually expressed in three different ways: as aggressive, passive or assertive anger. Aggressive anger is the desire to hurt someone emotionally, psychologically or physically, for example by using hurtful language, yelling, putting someone down or physically hurting them. The aim is to protect oneself by hurting others. It is a tactless and destructive choice experienced as a reaction to resentment, rejection or humiliation, as a way to exert power and status or in response to irrational thoughts. This type of reaction is usually followed by a sense of guilt. Passive anger can be understood as an avoidance behavior—a flight response that bypasses direct confrontation. However, the person who experiences passive anger may hold a grudge and later do something unacceptable to take revenge, such as insulting those who angered them behind their backs, spreading rumours or destroying property. Some people who experience passive anger may have poor self-esteem and engage in self-blame. They are not only angry with the people who ‘wronged’ them, but also angry with themselves. These people are viewed as being dishonest in their expression of anger. Assertive anger is a positive way of expressing anger openly and honestly, by engaging others in communication to let them know that their actions have caused anger and discomfort. It is expressed through language such as “I feel angry when you…”. People who express assertive anger are more likely to be confident, selfrespecting and goal-oriented. It is a positive way to express anger, and one that takes some time to learn and practise. Anger may be seen as a negative emotion, but it has a function. It tells us that we are not happy or that we feel hurt, and that unless we do something to make a change, a relationship is at risk. Workplace studies have even shown that assertive anger expression, when handled effectively, can lead to positive outcomes such as improvements in problematic management and staff issues, work relationships and organisational progress (Geddes & Callister, 2007; Sloan, 2012; Stickney & Geddes, 2014).

3.4.5.1

Frustration

Frustration is an unpleasant emotion that arouses tension and may instigate defensive or aggressive behaviours. The word has its roots in the Latin ‘frustra’, meaning ‘in vain’; it describes disappointment. Scholars describe frustration as a mental state marked by feelings of disappointment, anxiety, despair, and irritability over a decrease in the efficiency of an operation or the chance of success, and an experience in the difficulty experienced in achieving a goal. Frustrations stems from the desire to meet physiological, material, or social needs, and the need for security (Vovk et al., 2020). We know from different studies that even infants can feel frustration, and the intensity and frequency of feelings of frustration increase in childhood and adolescence.

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A three-year-old may throw a tantrum and shout “I hate this” to express frustration, while an older child may ask endless ‘why’ questions in an attempt to understand this uncomfortable state. As we grow into adulthood, frustration may also lead to anger, aggression, and feelings of bitterness. Some scholars have also found that people who are prone to frustration are usually more active and less attentive than others, and more likely to have an insecure-avoidant attachment style. Children and adolescents who are easily frustrated have been found to have more problems with social interactions and in establishing social relationships, and appear to find relationships stressful (Buss, 2011; Caspi et al., 2016; Laceulle et al., 2015; McCrae et al., 2005; Putnam et al., 2001). Interestingly, frustration has also been observed in animals such as mice, chimpanzees, pigs, rats and even bees (Vovk et al., 2020). Feelings of frustration can lead to aggression in both humans and animals. Breuer and Elson (2017), for example, explain that when someone feels disappointed at the thought of having only a slim chance of reaching their goal, they will experience frustration, a negative affect. Depending on the person’s emotional stability, personality traits, irritability, and mood, they may experience an aggressive inclination. This may or may not lead to aggressive behaviour, depending on the person’s cognitive ability and level of behavioural control. Some young people prefer to play violent video games because these allow them to vent their frustration- aggression drive by acting aggressively in a virtual environment. When we experience frustration, there are things we can do to relieve it. We can go for a walk in the fresh air to declutter our mind. We can learn to meditate and calm our thoughts. We can engage in positive thinking techniques to shift our focus to more positive matters. If you look for solutions to increase the chance of the success you want to achieve. Learn better communication skills and emotional management skills (Sharpe, 2020).

3.4.6 Fear and Calmness Fear is a fundamental emotion that protects us from danger and harm. When we hear a sudden overwhelming loud noise, we startle—an automatic protective response that makes us pay attention to potential danger close by. Likewise, when we face a perceived threat (e.g., the fear of being attacked by a wild animal), we experience physical reactions such as sweating, increased heart rates and high adrenaline levels. These heighten our alertness. In other words, fear prepares us to face danger, whether physical or psychological. We respond to fear from infancy. For example, while a newborn is generally happy to be passed from one person to another, at the age of 6 months or so, the infant begins to develop memories of familiar faces, and may experience fear when being carried by a stranger. As babies become toddlers, mobile and adventurous, they may develop more fears, of things like heights, bugs, and animals like dogs or

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cats. As they get older and become more imaginative still, they will fear monsters, make-believe creatures and unlikely disasters. Scientists have identified that there are two kinds of fear: innate and learned. The two innate fears are the fear of falling and the fear of loud noises (Garcia, 2017; Öhman et al., 2001). Apart from these, we learn to feel fear through direct experience of threats (e.g., touching a flame and getting burned), via verbal warnings from our parents or social means, or by observing others. No matter how we develop them, though, fears are a natural part of how we grow and learn about our environment.

3.4.6.1

Calmness

Calmness, or serenity, is a positive mental state that includes feelings of comfort and security, and a lack of disturbing thoughts. It is a state of inner peace, and although it may include happiness, some think that the two emotions are different. For example, Bacanli (2016) describes serenity as a feeling of peace which is more closely related to spirituality, while happiness is associated with earthly elements. Calm people are able to maintain balance and harmony despite facing challenges and difficult times. People who are calm have a heightened sense of balance. They are likely to be more stable, flexible and adaptable, and to exhibit a higher level of psychological wellbeing. They are also more likely to be optimistic and to accept people without judging. They tend to forgive easily and be more altruistic, volunteer their services to others more often, show high levels of self-esteem and experience low levels of depression, anxiety and other negative emotions. People who are calm are also compassionate and devoted to serving others and helping strangers. They are likely to have strong relationships and hold strong concepts of self-worth, and many have stronger problem-solving skills and stress-coping skills, are more productive at work and work more efficiently. Calm people who are religious may practice mindfulness and reflection through praying, meditation and mind-calming practices, in groups and alone (Fredrickson, 2013; Post, 2005; Von Culin et al., 2014 ; Xu et al., 2014). Indeed, calmness is considered a kind of spiritual intelligence. Howard Gardner (1993) proposed that people have multiple intelligences, one of which is spiritual intelligence. Scholars exploring this notion have identified some characteristics of spiritual intelligence, for example, Zohar and Marshall (2000) define it as knowing how to solve life problems by applying our thoughts to meaning-giving contexts and assessing our actions and our life paths based on values that guide us. Emmons (2000) contends that it helps us to develop adaptive capabilities to solve problems and achieve goals, and Park et al. (2004) argue that people who score high on measures of serenity also score high on spiritual intelligence. Researchers have found that children with calm natures were inclined to solve problems in an assertive manner and would seldom resort to aggressive behaviour. Interventions have been carried out in different parts of the world to promote positive social-emotional development amongst emotionally unstable children and adolescents with inadequate skills to cope with stress and curb impulsivity and aggressive behaviour. When they were taught to engage in calming strategies such as relaxing

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via deep breathing, engaging in meditation to calm the mind and muscle relaxation, as well as social communication skills and interpersonal skills to help them solve problems, their aggressive behaviours significantly reduced (Nickel et al., 2005). Calmness is a jewel in our lives. To become calm, we need to learn to be still and pay attention to what is important in our lives. What makes us happy? What gives us peace? Are we working hard to achieve hedonism and eudemonism? Both are important. It is all a matter of balance.

3.4.7 Love and Empathy For decades, social scientists have argued about whether love is an emotion. Though many believe that it is, others argue that it is more than an emotion, because unlike other emotions, love is long-lasting. It is physiological, psychological and behavioural. Some describe it as a drive to feed our unconscious needs and others as a disposition, something innate. Some describe it as an affective attitude. But to date, there has been no consensus on its definition. In the literature, love is generally described as a set of emotions characterised by passion, intimacy and commitment. It involves attraction, affection, closeness, care, protection and trust. It also arouses other emotions such as jealousy, despair, anger, anxiety, ecstasy and compassion. It can send us flying like a kite, our moods swinging up with varying intensities of happiness, excitement, euphoria and hope and down again with disappointment, wariness, stress, anger, irritation and apprehension (Ekman & Cordaro, 2011). There are many forms of love. The first and most important is parental love, the essence of personal development. As infants, we form bonds with our parents and caregivers. Through the emotional exchange of verbal and nonverbal interactions such as cuddling, hugging and caressing, we form attachment bonds. Secure attachment bonds help children to develop self- awareness, trust and the sense of safety and security that enables them to explore their environment, learn and develop socially and psychologically. If this secure attachment bond is absent, however, it will inhibit the child from developing emotionally, mentally and even physically, leading to difficulties in learning and forming relationships during childhood and perhaps also later on in life: longitudinal studies have proven that children who have suffered neglect and been deprived of love show reduced growth in both the left hemisphere of the brain, which increases the risk of depression, and the hippocampus, which can hamper memory and learning (Ainsworth et al., 1974). Family love is an extension of parental love. Within a family unit, with parents and siblings, love means sharing and caring. Living together means that family members need to learn how to share, to accommodate each other’s needs, to tolerate each other’s flaws and different temperaments, to forgive each other’s wrongdoings and to love each other as they are. In many cultures, the extended family is also an important part of one’s life—for example, Asian and Latino extended families form nurturing, loving and supportive networks to look after each other’s physical, emotional, social and even financial wellbeing. Ideally, family love is characterised by deep affection,

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loyalty, respect, care and healthy attachment bonds. Healthy family relationships are like water and air. They are vital for our survival. Friendship is also a kind of love. We form relationships and develop bonds with people we are fond of, and these can turn into lifelong relationships. Friendships are usually formed based on chance and physical proximity: many of us develop friendships with our neighbours, schoolmates and workmates because frequent contact allows us to discover more about them, and when we ‘hit it off’ with them, it takes us another level up to become friends. The love shared by friends is known as a platonic love. It involves two people caring for each other and sharing similar interests, values and worldviews, admiring each other, supporting each other’s successes and celebrating their happiness, but does not involve romance or sexual desire. As Aristotle said, a friend is a second self, and a close friendship makes us more fully conscious of our own existence (Cocking & Kennett, 1998). Bartels and Zeki (2000) state that romantic love is a combination of cognitive, emotional, sexual and behavioural phenomena. It is not an emotion but a sentiment. They also describe it as a combination of lust and attachment, involving an intense attraction and the idealisation of the beloved within an erotic context. This kind of love can also be influenced by proximity: when we have regular contact with someone via work or other social activities, we can develop a fondness for that person that eventually sparks romance and love. However, Caston (2006) claims that when we fall too deeply in love, we lose our sensibility and become trapped in our fantasy of the other person, and can fall into a kind of ‘love-sickness’. This is infatuation, not love, and it can make us form idealised views of another person even when there are warning signs that the relationship may be harmful. In toxic relationships, people stay together despite the fact that they are hurting each other because they are afraid to burst the fantasy bubble and face a painful reality. Caston (2006) therefore argues that we must determine whether it is love or infatuation that we are feeling. Doing this takes self-awareness, understanding of the other person, time, and the willingness to be objective. Helen Fisher, a biological anthropologist, argues that romantic love is an instinctive drive—a mating drive—and not necessarily a sexual one (2004). Based on studies in which she scanned the brain activities of people in love, she explains that when we are in love the brain produces large amounts of dopamine, a natural stimulant that makes us feel happy: in other words, love gets us high. Dopamine is found in the areas of the brain associated with motivation, focus and craving, and people who are naturally curious, creative, spontaneous, energetic tend to be high on dopamine in general. These people are more likely to fall in love with those who are like them. Similarly, people who are naturally high in serotonin production, who tend to follow tradition, also choose love partners who share similar personal characteristics. In contrast, though, people with high levels of testosterone, who are analytical, direct, tough-minded and decisive, tend to choose love partners who are opposite. The same goes for people who have high levels of estrogen—those who are imaginative, intuitive and apt in communication and people skills, also choose to love those who are opposite to their characteristics.

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Finally, there is self-love, which Aristotle defined as another important kind of love. He taught that we must understand ourselves in order to view our lives and how to live them objectively. Today, social scientists promote self-compassion—being kind to ourselves and staying free of meticulousness—as a way to support mental health. The ability to be compassionate to ourselves will help us to build resilience in the face of adversity, from relationship breakups to losses, disappointments and whatever curve balls life throws us. Neff and Germer (2017b) describe self-compassion as the ability to understand ourselves and forgive our own flaws and wrongdoings, know our place within humanity, and be mindful of our emotions and how to handle and manage them. Self-awareness, in other words, is an integral part of EI. It is vital knowledge we need to teach ourselves and our children if we want to make a better world.

3.4.7.1

Empathy

Empathy is the ability to put yourself in someone else’s shoes and understand what they are feeling. It is considered an emotional reaction rather than an emotion itself. Hoffman (2000) describes it as the cognitive ability to understand others and see their perspectives, and to react affectively in response to their needs. He believes that empathy is closely related to morality and altruism. Myers and Hodges (2009) describe empathy as the ability to feel the same emotion as another person and show compassion to others, and the ability to refer to one’s own plight or misfortunes in response to perceiving other people’s distress. Nancy Eisenberg, an American professor of psychology, studied empathy in children to find out what kind of parenting practices foster the development of empathy and prosocial behaviours such as caring and sharing, self-regulation and perspectivetaking. She asserts that childhood empathy is influenced by four factors: biology, culture, personal characteristics and situational determinants. The media, parents and peers also play a major part in shaping the development of empathy and prosocial behaviours in children. Through the developmental stages of childhood, empathy emerges in three ways: neurologically (affective arousal), cognitively (emotional understanding) and behaviourally (emotional regulation). A study conducted by Decety (2010) on childhood empathy showed that some children have naturally high empathy responses to others, reporting that children as young as one year old are able to make attempts to comfort people in distress, and engage in spontaneous helping behaviours from the age of 14–18 months. At the age of 2–3, children develop a greater awareness of the context of their social interactions with others. However, Eisenberg believes that empathy can also be learned both as an interpersonal skill and as part of EI development (Eisenberg, 2003). The literature describes empathy as a multidimensional construct, and identifies two major types of empathy: emotional empathy and cognitive empathy. Emotional empathy is the ability to share an emotional experience, feel concern in response to

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someone’s distress and show a willingness to help. It is usually (but not necessarily) related to someone’s own experiences. Studies have found that women tend to be higher in emotional empathy than men (Neff & Germer, 2017a), and that older individuals tend to score higher on measures of emotional empathy than younger people. Cognitive empathy is described as the ability to take another person’s perspective and understand how they are feeling. The person responding does not necessarily share the same experience, but is able to imagine what it would be like to be in the other person’s shoes. Rogers (1957) defines cognitive empathy as including an empathic attitude, empathic attunement, empathic communication and empathic knowledge. It is considered an essential skills for professionals in the helping services, such as counsellors, social workers, doctors, nurses, teachers and educators. It involves active listening to accurately understand how a client or student feels, and is essential in enabling a therapist to perceive the client’s needs and perspectives without judging or imposing their own interpretations. Empathy comes naturally for some people, while for others it is a learned emotional response. Either way, it allows people to build caring relationships and supportive social connections. We can all learn to become more empathic and compassionate in order to improve our lives and make the world a better place.

3.4.8 Jealousy and Hatred 3.4.8.1

Jealousy

Jealousy has been described as a constellation of affective, behavioural and neurological responses to the fear of losing attention and exclusivity in a loving relationship. It arises when we are thrown into relationship-threatening situations and overcome by negative emotions such as fear and sadness. Lazarus (1991) explains the difference between jealousy and envy: envy is wanting and desiring what someone else has, while jealousy is resenting someone for threatening or taking away our source of affection, social status or pride. Jealousy can arise not only in loving relationships but also in our social lives and work relationships. Whether we want to admit it or not, we all feel a little jealous of our friends and colleagues from time to time. This is because it is natural to compare ourselves with others: it helps us to know we where we stand and whether we need to adjust. Presentations of jealousy are even apparent in animals (Harris & Prouvost, 2014; Morris et al., 2008)—there are numerous video clips on YouTube showing how dogs can be jealous of a newborn baby, another dog or a new family pet! But like all other emotions, if we can handle it properly, it should not become a problem. Jealousy, like other emotions, begins in infancy. It has been observed in infants from the age of around 9 or 10 months, but becomes more obvious at 12–18 months when a toddler’s main caregiver directs attention to a third party (Hart, 2015). Selfawareness develops at around the age of 10 months, and as an infant’s cognitive

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capacity expands, so does its understanding of dyadic social exchange. The infant learns to make judgements, and forms expectations about their parents and caregivers through their daily affectionate exchanges and interactions (Lewis, 2000). The world, in the child’s mind, is made up of ‘mummy, daddy and me’, all living happily ever after. A strong bond and attachment is formed. When a new person comes into the infant’s world, everything changes. The new sibling (or pet, or grandparent, or parent’s friend) takes away attention and the child now has to play second fiddle. Sibling jealousy is common in every family. It can be felt by a firstborn who feels threatened by a new sibling stealing attention and focus from their parents, or a younger child who is threatened by the older one being better at everything they do, from riding a bike or telling a story to helping around the house. Sibling rivalry grows as each child competes to win attention from their parents. Skilled parenting can turn sibling competition into healthy motivation and a drive to pursue progress in life, whereas unskilled parenting may mean it develops into relational problems as the children grow into adulthood (Volling et al., 2002). Shifting the focus to another form of jealousy, some psychologists argue that when two people are in love, they are highly dependent on each other. Jealousy arises when this dependency is threatened and insecurity kicks in. Tipton et al. (1978) identified five factors leading to jealousy: the need for loyalty, the need for intimacy, selfconfidence, moodiness and envy. Other scholars have also shown that in a romantic or marriage relationship, jealously emerges when there are signs of infidelity. Men are more commonly threatened by sexual infidelity, while women are more likely to be jealous if they suspect emotional infidelity and sexual infidelity. However, some have found that deception leading to a betrayal of trust is the most damaging thing in a relationship for both women and men (Buss, 2000; Firestone et al., 2005; Harris, 2003). Jealousy is also strongly associated with relational dissatisfaction. Pines (1992) maintains that jealousy functions to make us reassess our relationships, and prompts us not to take our loved ones for granted. Healthy jealousy can increase attention, passion and commitment to our relationships. However, different couples react differently to jealousy. Some will respond with anger, aggressive conflict, verbal and physical aggression, violence and even homicide (Archer & Webb, 2006; Buunk, 1997). Freud (1922) stated that out-of-control jealousy can become a problem. He described pathological jealousy as delusional and abnormally intense, driven by irrational beliefs, a sense of guilt and perhaps a harsh superego. Different factors driving damaging jealousy have also been identified, including self-esteem and ego defence, paranoid personality, obsessiveness, interpersonal sensitivity and separation-anxiety (Clanton & Kosins, 1991; Marazziti et al., 2010; Parrott, 1991). People who suffer from intense jealousy leading to aggression and irrational thoughts must seek help from professionals. Social jealousy, in contrast, mainly stems from low self-esteem. As early as the nineteenth century, James (1890) discovered that people compare themselves to others in terms of ‘worthiness’ and ‘competence’. Social jealousy occurs when one’s real self fails to match up to the ‘ideal self’ (Pope et al., 1988). When people feel less

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‘worthy’ based on a comparison of social status or wealth, or less ‘competent’ due to differences in work achievement, they feel jealous of their peers, and may engage in different defensive mechanisms to cope with their jealousy, such as gossiping and spreading rumours to tarnish the reputation of the person they are jealous of.

3.4.8.2

Hatred

Hatred is a multifaceted emotion that is nested in an assortment of other unpleasant emotions, including anger, fear, disgust, contempt, resentment, jealousy, disappointment, and annoyance (Royzman et al., 2005). It is one of the most destructive emotions we can experience. Scholars who have studied hatred describe it as a kind of rage (Gaylin, 2003), a strong resentment towards someone or something, a kind of generalised anger, a motive to devalue others) and an effort to adapt to deep shame and fear (Rempel & Burris, 2005). Sternberg (2005) postulates that hatred is psychologically related to love, but is neither the opposite of love nor its absence. He explains that hate has a complex relationship with love, and that they both arise from the complexity of personal stories involving the negation of intimacy, passion and/or commitment. Hatred grows from the denial of intimacy, which leads to repulsion and aversion to others. It seeks to distance and detach us from the objects of our repulsion. It can be individual or cultural, racial or religious. However, it is always characterised by the devaluation and reduction of a person, group or race. Hatred invariably shows the stamps of our personal history—the way we were brought up, educated, and influenced by our culture, society, and personal experiences. Hatred is not a primary emotion. It is a learned one, involving cognitive and thought processes. It involves our interpretation of social justice, personal success and achievement, fairness, approval from others, connections, and rejections. These perceptions form part of the automatic thoughts that lie latent in our minds until something triggers a judgement. When we face something unpleasant, it triggers our memories, perceived experiences, beliefs, and ideas. These can lead us to use emotional reasoning and overgeneralise based on memories of previous unpleasant experiences: for example, a reprimand from a teacher leading a resentful student to assume “She hates me just like all the others”, and this can lead to hatred for the teacher. Some of the factors that lead to hatred include an accumulation of personal frustrations, poor self-esteem, emotional immaturity, impulsiveness and peer and family influence. Hatred itself can lead to acts of violence based on a desire to hurt, to defend or to assert power over others. Cultural hostility and prejudice are common in multiethnic societies, and have led to hate crimes, injuries, and deaths. Some people driven by feelings of hate commit acts of violence as a goal or in order to get rid of the people that they hate. Unfortunately, these acts of violence are encouraged in some countries for religious reasons.

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3.5 The Functions of Emotions There is a wealth of information on the functions of emotion available in both scholarly articles and theses and self-help books. The following sub-sections set out the five basic functions of emotion discussed in this literature, and how they serve us.

3.5.1 Emotions Help Us to Learn About Our Basic Human Needs We experience different emotions at different situations and at different times. Our emotions help us to understand ourselves and our states of mind: we interpret our feelings based on our sensory systems and sometimes physical changes as well (e.g., increased heart rate, blushing). Paying attention to our emotional states helps us to recognise and acknowledge our basic physical, psychological, and social needs. Naturally, we tend to prefer positive emotions like happiness, serenity, contentment, peace, satisfaction, and joy, and try to avoid unpleasant emotions like sadness, fear, nervousness, anxiety, and anger. However, whether pleasant or unpleasant, our emotions are a vital part of our humanity, and to be able to experience a blend of emotions in the palette of our lives adds colour to our existences and helps us to grow and develop. Having both ups (positive emotions) and downs (negative emotions) enriches our life experience and helps us to build resilience and become mentally stronger. However, if negative emotions linger, they can impair our health, as unresolved negative emotions can lead to health problems including high blood pressure and mental breakdowns. Persistent negative emotions are there to alert us to the fact that something needs to change in our lives, and can motivate us to make those needed changes. For example, when we are angry all the time, we know that something is troubling us. Anger can be caused by a wide array of triggers, from simple physical exhaustion, to feeling violated or attacked, or experiencing a high level of stress or anxiety. Not knowing the reasons behind a continual state of anger can lead to angry outbursts, but today, with so much knowledge and information available to us about how to understand our emotions, we have the ability to talk about our anger with friends and family or trained professionals, figure out the reasons for it and address them. When we develop EI through self-awareness, we become more attuned to our emotions and able to understand why we are behaving (or reacting) in certain ways. EI motivates us to engage with puzzling facts about ourselves, rather than suppressing unpleasant feelings and avoiding dealing with the causes of our emotions. Tuning into our emotions help us to realise what is important to us, what we really care about and what we should do next.

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3.5.2 Emotions Motivate Action We may not be very conscious of how our emotions drive us into action or making certain decisions. Sometimes we surprise ourselves by making choices based on our emotions. Consider Jack, who is interested in Jill from next door, but is too shy to ask her out: one day he sees Tom the piper’s son flirting with her, and without even thinking about it he grabs two buckets and marches up to ask Jill to go up the hill with him to fetch a pail of water! Jack is being driven by his jealousy. An unyielding emotion like jealousy is a powerful one that can drive action! Likewise, anxiety is not exactly a bad emotion. It can be a motivating factor for some people. In a workplace example, many people, when given a tight timeline to complete a project, feel anxious. However, some are able to convert this anxious energy into motivation and invest it into completing the project on time, where others might worry and head to the bar instead to escape the stress. Similarly, our desire for justice can send us out to march in a rally. Our compassion can prompt us to sign up to sponsor a worthwhile charity. Our pride can set us burning the midnight oil to achieve high scores in exams. Our love for our children can lead us to make all sorts of sacrifices. Undoubtedly, our emotions are significant motivating influences on our actions and decisions.

3.5.3 Emotions Help Us to Connect and Relate to Others Gaining attention from others is a fundamental human need that we develop in infancy. As newborns, totally dependent, we need people to love us, pay attention to us, feed us, and change us. Attention is an important part of connecting with our fellow humans and forming bonds. As we grow up, we learn how to gain attention in other ways than wailing and screaming (although at times, some of us still do this!). We also learn to use different behaviours to let people know how we feel in order to connect with them or gain their attention. Our emotional expressions help us to communicate our feeling faster than words do. We know that we do not always need to tell people how we feel: they can read our facial expressions and know instantly whether we are happy or sad. When we are angry, we reveal it in our tone of voice. When we are intimidated, we stand defensively and avoid eye contact to signal that we feel threatened. And just as we habitually express our emotions through our body language, we gain understanding from reading other people’s body language. A gaze and a smile from someone at a party suggests that it is safe to “Come and talk to me”, while a narrow-eyed glare from the person standing next to them cautions, “Don’t you dare!” And other people’s expressions of emotion arouse emotions in us. When you see someone with teary eyes, for example, depending on your personality and how altruistic you are, you might approach them to offer help or comfort, or walk away

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wondering what’s upsetting them. Just as our own emotions give information to others, the emotional expressions of the people around us provide a wealth of social information that prompts us to respond appropriately in particular situations. Knowing how to do this allows us to build richer and more meaningful relationships with our family, friends, workmates, and fellow citizens. Finally, when we share our emotions with others, it helps us to release any unpleasant feelings we have pent up inside. It allows us to talk through our situation, and that can help us to think more clearly. Sharing your emotions with someone you trust also increases bonding and mutual understanding. Telling someone you are sad can reduce that sadness, and sharing your happiness increases your joy. We all crave closeness to other people, and the sharing of emotions helps us to strengthen that connection.

3.5.4 Emotions Help Us to Verify How We Think About Ourselves Many of us experience self-doubt from time to time. We seek validation from others to ensure that we are accepted and recognised, and to establish our own worth. Validation builds relationships and helps to ease upset feelings; it is like relationship glue. Knowing that we are understood and that our emotions and thoughts are accepted by others is powerful. However, in order to accept our own internal experience, thoughts, and feelings, we also need to self-validate. Ways of doing this include encouraging ourselves to keep trying when we face challenges, acknowledge our strengths and efforts, and feel noticed, accepted, and appreciated by others. Sometimes we need to practice self-validation to prioritise our needs, to treat ourselves with kindness, and to accept our own mistakes and limitations. In contrast, many young people currently seek social validation by making friends on social media, or posting images and messages to seek ‘likes’. This kind of reliance of external validation can make people anxious. Instead of having a thousand online friends, half of whom may express disapproval and make critical comments, these young people are denying themselves the time and opportunities to establish true friendships within a small circle of people with similar interests and values. Sometimes, we can also have thoughts that surprise us or that do not reflect our values and the things we know are true. Learning about the nature of our emotions and understanding their functions can help us to validate our thoughts, which in turn helps us to achieve a state of calm and manage our emotions more effectively. Having the ability to self-validate can help us to accept ourselves, lead to the development of a stronger self-identity, and develop better skills to manage our emotions. Selfvalidation helps us to find wisdom. More about self-awareness and self-validation is discussed in Chapter 4.

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3.5.5 Emotions Help Us to Gain Autonomy and Personal Competence Nobody is truly lazy. Even babies exhaust themselves playing with their fingers and chewing their toes all day! We all need to be engaged—to have something to do, to try something new, to feel a sense of purpose. When we have one, we feel energised and enthused. We also have an inherent need for certainty and control. Even toddlers demonstrate their need to be in control by trying to walk on their own as soon as they achieve that milestone first step. And before their imaginations and creativity are stunted by the industrial values of schools and insensitive teachers, they are tiny Pablo Picassos, Wolfgang Amadeus Mozarts, Lucille Balls and Coco Chanels. For those who may not have the capability to achieve the standards and expectations set by teachers and workplace bosses, however, the most common emotion they feel is likely to be boredom. Boredom is a desire for engagement. When we are bored, we become restless, agitated and nervous, or apathetic (Danckert, 2013). Being bored and alone also creates a sense of emptiness and fatigue. However, boredom is not a bad emotion. For most people, it serves as an impetus to find something interesting to do, or someone to connect with (Bench & Lench, 2013). Sandi Mann, a senior psychology lecturer at the University of Lancashire, wrote in her book The Science of Boredom (2016) that occasional periods of boredom and aloneness are good for our mental health. They give us a chance to quiet down and connect with our inner self. When we are bored, we can soothe our minds with quiet music and learn to enjoy calmness. We can connect with nature and enjoy the blue skies—or the rain—and green grass, and smell the roses (but mind the thorns). In order to fill that sense of emptiness, we can think about the value of our life, develop wisdom or perhaps engage in charity work. When we long for something to do, our mind will become creative. This helps us to find the marvellous amongst the mundane. Humans have an instinctive ability to solve problems and combat challenges. Though it may not be obvious in everyone, we all have an urge for growth. We want to increase our ability to understand and do things, and to be valued and recognised for our achievement and contribution to others. This quest for a sense of significance, independence and control shapes our self-confidence and our sense of competence, and boosts our mental wellbeing (Steger et al., 2008). In the absence of opportunities to fulfil our sense of purpose, our imaginations can create problems for us, leading us to feel worthless and insignificant.

3.6 Emotion, Thought and Behaviour Gendron et al. (2012) suggest that emotion is both biologically marked and socially constructed. They considers primary emotions such as anger, fear, disgust, happiness, and sadness to be associated with the biology of our brains and bodies, as illustrated

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by earlier theorists (e.g. Griffiths, 1997). Changes in our physical states such as pain, hunger, thirst, pleasure and body temperature can trigger new emotions. However, other emotions are also primed by motivational characteristics, cognitive processing, and intention of behaviour. People use cues from the sensory input from the body, and from memories of experiences in the environment, to make a decision to carry out an action. For example, on a food-shopping trip, Mary passes by a bakery and smells an enticing aroma of pies. She salivates slightly, and her thoughts take her back to her childhood, when her grandmother taught her how to make her favourite leek and chicken pie. This evokes a pleasant, happy emotion in her. She decides to buy ingredients to bake the pie for her family. Today, practitioners in psychology and therapy tell us that our thoughts (including our beliefs and attitudes), our emotions (feelings and moods) and our behaviour (actions and intentions) all act together to influence how we behave and make decisions. Positive thoughts can motivate us and endow us with pleasant emotions, which in turn guide us to take positive actions that generate further positive thoughts and emotions. Likewise, negative thoughts can drive us into an unpleasant spiral, leading us into a dark hole of unhealthy mental turmoil. Many of us experience mental distress because we ‘overthink’. It is increasingly acknowledged in the psychology literature that when we allow ourselves to overthink and get caught up in the process of excessive mind-wandering, it affects our cognitive thought processes, including problem-solving, creative thinking and future planning. Evidence shows that excessive overthinking (also called ruminating—wandering into deep thoughts) or fixating on a single problem, can lead to mental health issues and self-defeating behaviours. These episodes of rumination can be brought about by traumatic experiences such as the death of a family member or an accumulation of life problems. As a result of ‘overthinking’ or ruminating, people can become agitated and easily angered, feel anxious, became socially withdrawn and start to prefer social isolation, or begin to display self-harming behaviours such as drinking, taking drugs or being aggressive to others (Andrews-Hanna, 2012). Imagine, for example, that Tom meets Jerry on the street and enthusiastically walks up to greet him. Unfortunately, Jerry does not even look at Tom, and walks hurriedly past him. Tom thinks, ‘Why is he so rude?’ He begins to overthink, feeling hurt and rejected, and decides, ‘Jerry doesn’t like me.’ Angry, he decides to unfriend Jerry on Facebook. This prompts more self- defeating thoughts: ‘Nobody likes me, I’m a loser!’ The anger grows and Tom finds himself writing an angry email to Jerry. Then, after hitting send, Tom immediately feels guilty and thinks, ‘I should not have done that’. As he goes through this spiral of negativity, Tom becomes anxious and socially withdrawn. We are not generally conscious of how our thoughts and emotions work together. Thoughts come to us automatically, and at times we might not even be conscious of them. These automatic thoughts can be neutral, positive or negative. When we dwell too much on the negative ones, we can develop patterns of behaviour that impact our work or social or relational functions, which may be a sign of mental health difficulties. When we experience strong emotions, we can express them in different ways, either helpful or harmful. Some externalise these emotions via aggressive behaviours

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such as verbal and physical abuse, defiance, theft, vandalism, and other destructive and uncooperative actions. Others internalise them and suffer insomnia, somatic symptoms, apathy, inertia, anxiety, depression, and even self-harming behaviours. While writing this chapter, for example, I felt a degree of frustration as I waited for the book contract to be offered. Though I was 80% sure it would happen, it was the 20% uncertainty that led to this frustration. In my younger days, I would have been touchy and reactive, and expressed my frustration with grunts, huffs, puffs and grumbles (behaviour learned from TV), followed by binge eating and compulsive shopping. Now that I am older, wiser and calmer, I sit in my favourite spot on my sofa, which is heavily padded with high-resilience foam, glance at the lush hills outside the window, sip my peppermint tea and coach myself to be patient and relax. The binge eating still occurs from time to time, when the frustration is prolonged, but the trick is to be mindful of what to eat and when to stop. When we have developed levels of EI, we can choose to behave in a positive manners to soothe ourselves. Emotions are part of our lives. Recognising and understanding them is vital for our wellbeing. What matters is knowing how we react to our feelings and acknowledge them as they arise. The more connected we are to our emotional responses, the easier it is to deal with life challenges big or small. Strengthening our knowledge of and skills in EI will help us to cope with the different demands we meet at work, at home and in society. Building our emotional competence is a deliberate, effortful and slow lifelong process. That is why it is essential to help our children to develop such skills and knowledge at a young age.

3.6.1 Defence Mechanisms We all learn to cope with unpleasant situations and emotions in different ways. One very common way of doing so is by using defence mechanisms. These are psychological strategies we use to separate ourselves from threats or unwanted emotions. Interestingly, we are often not even conscious that we are using them. Psychologists consider these behaviours normal, a natural part of our psychological development rooted in three domains: cognition, behaviour and personality (Ihilevich & Gleser, 1993). However, overuse of defence mechanisms can be harmful to our emotional and mental health, and prevent us from facing or dealing with emotional issues that must be addressed in a mature manner. A number of different defence mechanisms have been identified throughout the years. Below are the more common ones mentioned in the literature. 1.

Denial: one of the most common defence mechanisms, which people use to distort reality when trying to avoid pain or hurtful truths. It is an attempt to screen out or ignore unacceptable realities by refusing to acknowledge them, and is a way to avoid the impact of a traumatic situation. For example, many people will refuse to acknowledge that their spouse is having an affair in order to maintain their marriage and family unit.

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2.

Displacement: the transferral or discharge of emotional reactions from one object or person to another. For example, it can occur when, in a heated argument, someone punches the wall instead of the person they are arguing with, or when someone who has had a challenging day at work comes home and yells at their family instead. Intellectualisation: a mechanism people use to avoid pain or confrontation. It involves using rational explanation to remove oneself from an emotionally hurtful or stressful situation or event. Using this strategy can buy us the time and space we need to process a painful situation. An example would be a student blaming poor exam results on bad teaching rather than admitting their failure to prepare for the exam. Similarly, a person who is rejected when they ask someone out on a date might tell themselves, ‘I only asked out of kindness, they’re not even that attractive’. Minimisation: the downplaying of an event’s or emotion’s significance in order to deal with feelings of guilt or to avoid blame. For example, someone after calling another person a racial slur, them claiming that it was just a harmless joke, or a teacher treating school bullying incidents as ‘just pranks’. Projection: a process in which we attach blame for our unacceptable desires, shortcomings, and mistakes to others or to the environment. For example, instead of accepting that you dislike your new co-worker for trivial reasons, you choose to tell yourself that they dislike you instead, or you forget to pay a bill and then blame your spouse for not giving it to you earlier. Regression: a process of resorting to an earlier, more comfortable level of functioning that is characteristically less demanding and responsible, in order to return to a point in development when was accepted and nurturing provided automatically. Examples might be a grown adult throwing a temper tantrum like a child when they do not get their own way, or demanding that their spouse take care of them like a parent when they get sick. Repression: an unconscious mechanism by which unpleasant thoughts, feelings and desires are kept from becoming conscious—almost erased from the memory. This protects a person from a traumatic experience until he or she has developed the resources to cope. For example, a person who suffered abuse in childhood may have no memory of that childhood pain. However, the repressed memories of abuse may still affect the person, causing difficulty in forming relationships. Sublimation: a positive defence mechanism in which people choose to redirect inappropriate urges or strong emotions toward doing something positive, such as taking up kickboxing or creating art instead of lashing out at people when you feel angry.

3.

4.

5.

6.

7.

8.

Many of us resort to one or more of these defence mechanisms to cope with life’s challenges, and none are harmful in and of themselves, or when used for short periods. However, people who have suffer extreme emotional abuse or trauma may develop pathological defences, which can hinder them from leading a normal, healthy emotional life and also affect their thoughts and behaviour.

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Psychology clinician Vaillant (1994) classified pathological defence mechanism into four levels: • Level 1: psychotic defences, commonly found in people, especially children, who suffer from PTSD. These include delusional projection, psychotic distortion, and psychotic denial. • Level 2: immature defences, which include passive aggression (hurting oneself), dissociation (the development of multiple personalities) and autistic fantasy (retreating to a fantasy world). These defence mechanisms are commonly found in adolescents, substance abusers and people with brain injury. • Level 3: intermediate neurotic defences, which include displacement (kicking the dog instead of the oppressor), isolation and repression. They can also manifest as phobias, somatisation and amnesia. • Level 4: mature defences, which are more positive ways of dealing with emotional pain or stress and include engaging in sports to channel anger and aggression, meditation to learn to calm, humour or suppression. However, there are also negative acts at this level of defence mechanism, such as shoplifting or stealing to revenge unfair treatment, or using a position of power to control others.

3.7 Conclusion Our emotions are an integral part of our lives. They inform us of our physical, psychological, and social needs. These needs include our needs for safety and security (physical and psychological), our need for purpose, goals and meaning, for intimacy, for control, our need for attention and affection, our need for challenge and creativity, for status and acceptance, and most important of all, our need for our connections with ourselves. When we are emotionally ill at ease, we can ask ourselves whether some of our needs are not being fulfilled, and act to improve our situations if they are not. And in understanding how our emotions function to serve us, we can come to understand not only our own behaviours, but also the behaviour of others. I hope this chapter has been able to open some windows onto self-awareness for readers seeking to develop self-growth by making closer connections with their emotions, and to help them use this knowledge to develop better relationships with others.

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Chapter 4

How to Boost Your Emotional Intelligence

4.1 Introduction Emotional Intelligence is the ability to recognise and identify our emotions and understand other people’s feelings, motives and behaviour so that we can be more helpful, build supportive and amicable relationships, reduce stress, minimise conflict and increase our life satisfaction and everyone else’s. This chapter discusses how we can boost our EI by increasing our self-awareness, social awareness, and knowledge of self-management and relationship management skills. Goleman (1995) identifies four domains of EI: self-awareness, self-management, empathy and relationship management. To boost our EI, we first must take the time to understand ourselves and to develop the personal competence to manage our relationships. The first step in doing so is developing self-awareness. When we understand ourselves better, we become more attuned to our thoughts, emotional responses and behaviours, and with this understanding, we can develop skills to manage our emotional reactions and behaviour so that we minimise stress and conflict and live happier, healthier lives. We can also build our social competence by increasing our social awareness, and become more empathic and compassionate. By developing our other-awareness, we can decrease our tendencies to over-react, eliminate bad habits such as blaming others, become more positive and be ready to act in constructive and supportive ways to improve our interpersonal relationships.

4.2 Self-Awareness Today, we live in a world driven by greed and competition. As a result, we all suffer from social unrest, economic crises, environmental degradation and increasing mental and physical health issues. Some people compete to rise to the top so that they can earn more money and status. In the process, they can become obsessed with © The Author(s), under exclusive license to Springer Nature Singapore Pte Ltd. 2022 M. Gonzales, Emotional Intelligence for Students, Parents, Teachers and School Leaders, https://doi.org/10.1007/978-981-19-0324-3_4

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greed and power, and develop inflated egos, thirsting for recognition and admiration. And while the powerful become more egotistical, insatiable and indifferent to the condition of others, the meek toil to survive. In their pursuit of financial security for themselves and their families, they become more anxious, stressed and unhappy. Life pressure is making us all—powerful and otherwise—more cynical, pessimistic and defensive. However, if we all make an effort to better understand ourselves and the people around us, we can minimise the conflicts and mental struggles caused by our unconscious thoughts and behaviours and improve our lives. And we can embark on this journey of self-growth and improvement by learning to boost our EI. This journey begins with shining a light onto your own internal world. It demands that you be honest with yourself. As you take this courageous step, you may begin to recognise the contradictions that exist within you and see the blind spots that stop you from achieving your goals, establishing positive relationships and escaping the vicious circles of past behaviours, habits and thoughts to become more self-aware and selfcompassionate. We all have blind spots in our thoughts, emotional responses and actions. These may be more obvious to others than they are to us. Think of the parent who complains, “I can’t understand why my kid is so violent. I’ve smacked him often enough to make him stop!”, or the shop manager who grumbles, “The assistants are useless, I have to do everything myself ”, not understanding that when they do that, they are making their assistants ‘useless’! Recognising that we have these blind spots is an important first step. However, it does not grant us immunity to their effects. We need to engage in ongoing selfdiscovery and self- development to ensure that our actions reflect the discovery of these blind spots, and address them. Luft and Ingham (1955) describe four areas of self-knowledge. These are: • The open self-arena: This refers to our understanding of our attitudes, behaviours, emotions, skills and knowledge, which are also known to our friends, family and others. • The blind self: This refers to our blind spots—information that others know about us but we are unaware of or refuse to acknowledge (e.g., our arrogance, our fear). • The façade: This refers to information known to us that we hide from others (e.g., someone who appears to be very loud and confident in public but is actually very shy). • The unknown area: This refers to the undiscovered self—information that neither we nor our friends know about us. Together, Luft and Ingham developed a model known as the Johari Window to help us to develop self-awareness and know ourselves better. This model is widely used in the corporate world for personal development. Identifying our own blind spots is always a challenge, because if we knew what they were, they would hardly be blind spots, after all! The model is therefore helpful, as it enables us to seek the opinions of our friends, family and colleagues, and become more self-aware of both our brilliance and our flaws.

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4.2.1 The Internal Self Social scientists believe that we have two selves: an internal self and an external self (Summers, 2013). We can increase our self-awareness by examining first our internal selves—what is inside our emotional world, our desires, our beliefs, our values, our thoughts—and then our external selves, the parts of us that influence how we look, how we behave, what drives and motivates us, and how we are perceived by others. We can begin by identifying our personal strengths and weaknesses. Seligman (2002) believes that personal strengths are our inbuilt capacity to think and behave in certain ways. These are guided by six virtues, identified by Western philosophers such as Plato and Aristotle as: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6.

Wisdom, which embraces our creativity, curiosity, love of learning, openmindedness and perspectives. Courage, which includes bravery, zest, authenticity and persistence. Humanity, which includes kindness, compassion, love and social intelligence. Justice, which includes our sense of fairness, sense of community, leadership and teamwork. Temperance, which includes modesty and humility, prudence, our ability to forgive and our capability to self-regulate. Transcendence, which includes our ability to appreciate beauty and excellence, our ability to show gratitude, our spirituality and our sense of humour.

It is a good practice to start reflecting on the virtues that you are already living in your daily life. Identify which ones you would like to further develop, and put them into action whenever you have a chance. Other scholars also stress the importance of understanding our mental and emotional strengths (Clough et al., 2002; Schwartz & Sharpe, 2006), which include things like adaptability, endurance, commitment, determination and dependability. They claim that when we do not recognise our mental strengths, or fail to align with them, they can become weaknesses. For example, adaptability can become inconsistency or indecisiveness, endurance can become victimhood and blaming, and determination can become inflexibility. As with any strengths, overuse may also turn them into weaknesses. Mental and emotional strengths can include our ability to: • • • • • • • • • •

honour our feelings and listen to them. own our gifts and talent and nurture them. ask for support when in need. speak the truth without worries. speak well of others and forgive easily. have a direction and know what we want in our lives. be respectful of ourselves and others. speak well of ourselves without being boastful or egotistic. surround ourselves with positive and supportive people. nourish our body, feed our mind and maintain good physical and mental health.

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On the contrary, we become mentally and emotionally weak when we: • consciously or unconsciously compare ourselves with others, caring only about results and not about other people. • are judgemental of and annoyed by people who are different, or those who disagree with us. • let others define us and are troubled by gossip and opinions. • become compulsive in our desires and addicted to unhealthy habits such as binge eating, shopping or drinking. • crave power and use it to control others in relationships and at work. • submit to quick fixes instead of taking time to understand our issues. • fail to recognise our authentic existence and betray our values (Spiegelman, 2018). Becoming self-aware requires us to be truthful with ourselves and realise not only our strengths but also our weaknesses. We need to know and appreciate our core values, and to lift the masks that we unconsciously put on ourselves, or that were imposed on us as children by our family, our schools, our jobs and our communities. For example, Wegscheider (1981) has identified five roles that we take on as children in order to meet the expectations of our families and to offset dysfunctional family dynamics and relationships. These roles do not always match our personalities or our own needs, but we continue to wear them as masks into adulthood to gain approval from others. These masks include: • The Hero mask: This is a mask of perfection, achievement, responsibility and independence. Family expectations impose these values on the Hero child, whose success is driven by others’ desire to be seen as ‘good’. A Hero personality can be successful, but at the same time, can become a workaholic and a perfectionist. In their journey of self-awareness, the Hero needs to take off the mask and find out what they genuinely like. Did they become a doctor or a lawyer to please their parents? What do they really like? What makes them happy? The Hero also needs to slow down and allow other people to help them. They can have problems saying no, and feel guilty when they are not able to help others or be of service. Consequently, they tend to get overwhelmed by things they need to take care of for others and have no time for themselves, leading to stress and other mental burdens. If you are wearing this mask, it is time for you to put it down and learn to nurture your own needs and develop your own interests and talents. • The Enabler mask: The Enabler, as a child, takes on a lot of responsibilities at home to help out their parents. They are usually firstborn—big brother or sister— but not always. As they grow up, they have a tendency to take care of others and nurture them, and to provide for them if they can, but this is more from a sense of duty than a natural instinct. As a result, they tend to overburden themselves with unnecessary commitments. They are people-pleasers, but also want to maintain control over others, run everybody’s business and control their decisions. If you have been wearing this mask for a long time, you need to look at your own needs,

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nurture yourself physically and mentally, and let go of other people’s worries and burdens. • The Scapegoat mask: This is a mask imposed on children when the family is not in harmony and needs someone to blame for it. Parents blame a child for their problems rather than focusing on their failure to provide security and love for that child. Scapegoat children often have behaviour issues, and can be angry or hostile and confrontational. Some may become somatically sick to escape negative encounters. As adults, Scapegoats have self-esteem issues and struggle with different aspects of their life. They need to become aware of their strengths and talents and develop more self- confidence. They need a lot of support to help them take off their masks. • The Lost Child mask: The Lost Child is usually quiet and shy and prefers to stay out of the way of problems. Some may blame themselves for any family woes or mishaps. They seek privacy, and like to be alone. This can be an authentic disposition for an introverted child, but those who are wearing the Lost Child mask choose to be invisible to avoid getting in trouble. As a result, they do not have the opportunity to develop interpersonal, social and communication skills. When things are complex or difficult, they adopt an avoidance attitude. They deal with reality by removing themselves or their feelings from the situation, withdrawing from things that may cause them distress or challenges. As adults, they may struggle with relationship problems, and have difficulty facing challenging issues. • The Mascot mask: Children unconsciously put on this mask because they want to make their family happy. Some may do so because they were adorable toddlers who were capable of entertaining others with their charm. Others may put on this mask at school and in public to escape from or hide painful experiences at home. Some may use this to vent their anger or sadness. As adults, this tendency to turn everything into a joke—an avoidance behavior—will prevent them from facing real problems and issues. In reality, we all need to put on these masks occasionally, but we must not betray our own authenticity and become slaves to social expectations, constantly falling in line with other people’s demands. As part of becoming more self-aware, we may begin to question our choices in life and think about whether these choices were reactions to please others, or authentic actions that match our values. From childhood to adulthood, we experience a range of emotions—positive ones and negative ones. With the latter, sometimes we suppress them because they are too painful and daunting. We may avoid dealing with issues by becoming workaholics, shopaholics or chocoholics. In worse cases, we may turn to substance abuse or engage in destructive defence mechanisms to escape facing these hurtful issues. However, these suppressed emotions remain stored in our subconscious as if it were the hard drive of a computer, and when a similar situation occurs, they emerge, leading us to think and behave in uncomfortable and sometimes inappropriate ways that hurt ourselves or others. The opposite of suppression is expression. In our journey to understand our emotional selves, we need to become aware of some of the negative emotions that

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may harm us. As mentioned in Chapter 2, Asian physicians believe that our body organs responds to our emotions. Suppressed emotional energy that remains unprocessed is stored in our internal organs, muscles and tissues. Unresolved emotional conflicts build up and fester, draining our energy and leading to burnout. And because our emotional health does affect our physical health, as scientific studies have proven, an unhealthy mental state can also lead chronic health issues. The emotional injuries we all carry may be due to intense stress from home and work demands, loss of a loved one, relationship problems such as breakups or divorces, family breakdown, physical or psychological trauma, financial hardship, neglect or abandonment, discrimination from others, rejection, physical or verbal abuse in the family or workplace and negative self- talk. Many of us carry this emotional baggage with us because we do not know how to deal with it—we were not taught as we grow up. Worse still, we may have learned to deal with our emotional wounds by engaging in negative behaviour, by watching others and via movies and television shows. But these trapped emotions need to be identified, expressed and processed. This self-expression needs to be authentic, and we must be honest to ourselves. Sometimes, a counsellor or a therapist can help. Today, there is also mindfulness training to help us sit and meditate and truly connect with our emotions, current and past, so that we can unearth our hidden emotions and deal with them. Some other, alternative healing processes involve body- tapping and using other body movements to release the trapped energy in our body organs (Nelson, 2019). Keeping a diary or journal is a good way to pursue self-discovery and get to know your internal self better, because this is not a one-off exercise. It is a long process, which requires persistence, bravery and honesty. A journal will help you to reflect and keep track of how your life story unfolds, stage by stage, giving you insights as you gradually discover yourself and create a more confident, positive and happier self. But the journey of self-awareness can also be overwhelming for someone. If you are not able to gain support from a trained therapist, you might be able share this journey with a trusted friend, sibling or partner.

4.2.2 The External Self The external self is how we see ourselves and how we think other people see us. It includes our self-concept, self-esteem, self-confidence, self-regulation and selfpresentation. Our reliance on the people in our family and social environment throughout our lives has a powerful influence on us and our cognitive development. As infants, we learn from our behaviours and our caregivers’ responses that certain behaviours will win us praises—“Oh, what a good baby!”—while others will lead to scoldings. We learn how to behave by observing the people around us and engaging in social activities with them. Sometimes we imitate them, sometimes we get motivated by their success, and sometimes we become cautious of our actions and behaviour, so

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we do not step out of the line of their expectations of us (Meltzoff, 1995; Sebanz et al., 2006). We form our self-concept from how we see ourselves, think about ourselves and feel about ourselves. These self-concepts can be inaccurate, for example if we have an inclination to perceive ourselves as our imagined selves. Simultaneously, we also form our self-concept based on information we gain by interacting with others and from their appraisal of us. We see ourselves based on how we are treated by other people—their acceptance, approval, comments and feedback (McLeod, 2008). However, this may not be accurate either. Sometimes people judge others based on bias and prejudice. For example, in some Western countries, people of colour and Indigenous people are seen as inferior and are given fewer resources at school, in their local community and in social support. Although racial discrimination has reduced somewhat compared to previous centuries, people who live with this sort of labelling bias are still treated unfairly, including by being rejected and disrespected. They can also internalise these social prejudice and form low self-images. Oltmann (2014) tells us that we can evaluate our self-image based on the following six dimensions: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6.

Physical dimension: how we evaluate our appearance. Psychological dimension: how we evaluate our personality. Intellectual dimension: how we evaluate our intelligence. Skills dimension: how we evaluate our social and technical skills. Moral dimension: how we evaluate our values and principles. Sexual dimension: how we feel about our roles in society’s masculine/feminine norms.

People with a positive self-concept and self-image are usually confident and have high levels of self-esteem, whereas those who have a distorted sense of self, and an unhealthy self-image are more likely to have unstable mental states. Some may feel isolated or uninterested in others, or empty. Some may have intense mood swings that last for days. Some may be impulsive and engage in self-destructive or dangerous behaviours such as drug abuse and promiscuity. Some may have strong feelings of anxiety, and feel rejected and abandoned. And some may feel hostile and have difficulty feeling empathy for others. People with unstable or low self-esteem also frequently resort to defensive behaviours. In order to boost our self-esteem, some of us also use different self-presentation strategies. Jones and Pittman (1982) described some examples of such strategies as: • • • •

the use of flattery or charm to gain affection from other. the use of guilt to belittle others and elevate self. the use of intimidation by being aggressive to create fear and a sense of power. the use of self-promotion and self-praise to gain respect and admiration.

We are social animals. Social relationships are important to us. Psychologists tell us that we have three basic social needs: the need for affection, the need for behavioural confirmation, and the need for status. The need for affection refers to

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our need for love and acceptance—for people to love us and accept us for who we are, and not for what we have or what we are able to do. The need for behavioural confirmation refers to the need to be seen as ‘doing the right thing’—meeting expectations, contributing to a common goal, being a ‘useful’ person. It also include our ability to achieve, to influence, to show our knowledge and skills and to be a part of a functional group (Steverink et al., 2020) The need for status refers to our desire to attain prestige, respect and the admiration of others (Rucker et al., 2012). When any of these needs are not adequately met, our mental state may be unbalanced, and our external self will feel insecure. We therefore constantly attempt to validate our self-worth. We have a need to be liked. This is why social platforms like Facebook, Instagram and Twitter are so popular. Young people pose hundreds of selfies online to gain ‘likes’ every week. The more ‘likes’ they get, the more they feel validated and believe that they have friends, they are popular, and they are liked. Many resort to self-validation by evaluating their popularity amongst their friends and people in their social circles, linking popularity to affection. They also self-validate by comparing their achievements, career successes, group memberships, and the praise they get from their social environment with those of their friends to satisfy their need for behavioural confirmation, and their possessions and assets, the cars they drive and the clothing they wear to substantiate their need for status. The internet is full of articles encouraging us to engage in social validation to increase our presence in business, to be more visible so as to gain work opportunities. This is necessary to a degree, but overdoing it can become an obsession and lead to peer competition, resulting in disappointment, anxiety and a loss of authenticity. Self-validation is a healthy process. Becoming self-aware includes self-validation. Know your strengths, identify your weaknesses and address your needs. Develop a growth mindset and become unstuck from your past experiences, thoughts and behaviours so that you can self- improve. Inspire yourself by connecting with positive people and read books about how to nurture your emotional health (or watch YouTube clips from reliable sources if you prefer visual media!), join supportive groups or attend mindfulness activities. There are all sorts of ways to self-validate.

4.3 Other-Awareness Other-awareness is the ability to think from another’s point of view and empathise with their needs and emotions in the context of a given situation. It includes understanding the needs of family members, friends, workmates and schoolmates, and the needs of members of the broader community. Though the terms ‘other-awareness’ and ‘social awareness’ are used interchangeably in the literature, some may interpret the latter as having a broader scope which includes our ability to understand and respond to social cues during interpersonal interactions in different situations, and social expectations in general.

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Our understanding of ‘others’ and social relationships stems from our childhood. Social learning literature shows that our siblings have a strong impact on our development of other- awareness and social awareness. Studies show that sibling interactions promote the development of social-cognitive insights in young children. Two-yearolds with older siblings demonstrate higher levels of reciprocal play and language usage than those without siblings, for example, and some of them also seem to react less strongly to the sharing of toys, while some without siblings showed strong reactions when their toys were taken by another child. Three-year-olds with siblings were able to take their siblings’ perspectives, and show empathy and some understanding when conflict arose (De Rosnay & Hughes, 2010). Birth order also affects the pace and level at which we develop self-awareness and other- awareness. Having more siblings means a child has more opportunities to interact socially, and increases their opportunity to learn from sharing, cooperating, negotiating, and managing conflicts (by positive means or otherwise). A younger child learns to mimic their siblings’ behaviour without explicit instruction. A family with more than one child provides a social context for a child to not only learn how to interact socially with others, but also observe how others behave, widening their perspective on social understanding (Shneidman & Woodward, 2015; Weisleder & Fernald, 2013). However, negative sibling interactions such as jealousy that manifests in bullying, aggression and hostility may have an undesirable effect on a child’s selfconcept. As children begin their schooling, they develop social skills and social competence. How they do so, however, depends greatly on their parents and early education teachers. At the preschool and kindergarten stage, children rely on their parents and teachers as their principal socialising agents, although sometimes an older sibling may be a more effective role model, provided they demonstrate appropriate social behaviour. The child’s personality and disposition also play a vital role in early social interactions, and will have a lasting impact that extends into adulthood. An introverted child may appear shy and reluctant to initiate an interaction, while a more extroverted or socially confident child will happily invite others to join them. And children also grow and change their understanding of social exchanges and social rules. While some will naturally adjust to fit in, others may need support to adapt to different social situations. Peer acceptance is important in our childhood development. Children who experience high levels of peer rejection may develop low self-esteem, leading to defensive behaviours such as withdrawal or aggression. Studies of social maladjustment in children and youths tells us that children who feel that they do not belong or who are constantly rejected have a high tendency to become aggressive, leading to antisocial behaviours and even crime (Hartup, 1999; Vannatta et al., 2009). But where peer acceptance is important, friendship is vital. Children may be rejected by certain groups, but if they have even one good friend, that sense of rejection is eased. Friendship offers children a sense of closeness, the opportunity to share feelings, the experience of building trust, happiness and a positive outlook. The more friends a child has, the easier it is for them to develop social skills, communication skills and social competence, but quality beats quantity. The bond of just two friends

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can ignite powerful action and achievement, and these close connections can last for a lifetime (Ostberg, 2003; Sullivan, 1953). Many children are too young to understand the complexity of group dynamics. When rejected by a group, they tend to assume that it happened because they were not good enough for it. Even as adults, we do not always understand the nature and the dynamics of friendship groups! Most groups are formed based on shared interests or already established relationships, e.g., neighbours, cousins, friends of parents. Many of these groups also have dominant members who assume the role of group leader/s. The acceptance or rejection of new members usually depends on the decisions of these leaders. Children who are seen as ‘different’ are prone to face social exclusion at school. These include those who have learning difficulties or disability, who come from different races, who look different or who speak and communicate differently. If children are able to understand these hidden rules and group behaviours, they will not see themselves as inadequate or not good enough. This is why schools need to actively teach children about friendship skills, kindness and empathy for other people. As we move from childhood to adulthood, some of us become socially mature and able to navigate through different social situations and contexts, while others remain socially awkward and may be told they lack social skills and social competence as a consequence. For example, people who are naturally introverted usually prefer and enjoy spending time alone, or just with one or two friends. They are generally aware of their internal needs and enjoy quietness and solitude. They work better on their own and enjoy coming up with their own ideas and solutions. However, in modern societies this may be seen as having social anxiety, being too shy or having a social skills deficit. In order to meet social demands, many introverted individuals learn to adapt by acquiring a range of social and communication skills to override their natural preferences. For them, making small talks and having to listen to loud and zealous ‘extroverted’ individuals talk about their achievements, ideas and opinions, is tiring because these social behaviours are not their nature. Though the truth is that some of these overzealous extroverts may be introverts in disguise, over-displaying their ‘social competence’ to cope! Social awareness is the ability to be sensitive to how people choose to behave in company with others and not judge them for it or gossip about them. Communication is an integral part of interpersonal relationship and social bonding. It is how we share our thoughts, feelings and ideas with others. Communication is a dynamic process, which involves verbal communication, body language and nonverbal communication such as art and music and writing. How effective our communication is can be affected by different variables: how the message is sent, how it is received, contextual factors and feedback. The sender’s tone of voice carries information about their emotions (loud and angry, soft and intimidated) and their choice of words will indicate the person’s intent (e.g., to insult with sarcasm, to praise with hyperbole). However, the receiver may not always realise the sender’s intention, be it positive or negative. We are often distracted by our image or misconception of a person, and this can lead to miscommunication. Therefore, it is important to be clear and precise with our communication.

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We teach others how to treat us through our communication. When someone spends a lot of time criticising others, people are likely to avoid them. If they are rude to others, people will exclude them from social interactions. If they let people talk over them, some might decide they are weak and lose respect for them. Learning to communicate effectively is an art. It takes time, practice, patience and an understanding of social rules and interpretation of unspoken indicators and signals. Understanding cultural differences in how we communicate also helps us increase our social awareness. A Japanese friend once told me that in Japanese culture, when one person raises their voice, the other is expected to lower theirs to de-escalate the situation and show respect to the first person, and to counter the negative energy. Likewise, in Chinese culture, younger people are taught never to contradict the negative behaviour of an older person: even if the older person is in the wrong, the younger person is expected to hold their tongue so as to save the older person’s face. Similarly, Christian children are taught to ‘turn the other cheek’ in conflict situations, and de- escalate to promote peace. Good or bad, this kind of behaviour is rare now as Asian youths are less exposed to peaceful and humble behaviour, and instead learn aggression from television and violent movies, and resort to swearing, screaming and punching to vent their anger. Despite differences in personality and upbringing, it is still important for everyone to develop appropriate social skills because they are fundamental to our ability to build relationships and connections with our loved ones, our neighbours, our friends and the people we work with. People with strong social skills are able to make friends easily and work well with others because they are able to show empathy and have the skills they need to support others in need. They are able to put people at ease so that they feel supported, and establish trust. Having good social skills allows us to express our emotions in appropriate ways, reduce miscommunication and minimise conflicts. People with good social skills are liked and trusted and people are comfortable around them. Children can learn social skills such as showing respect for others, being polite, sharing, being kind and helping others, developing good communication skills like turn-taking, respecting personal space, including others during play, following rules. They need to be shown and taught how to ask for help, to ask for permission, to be fair, to know how to behave when winning or losing a game, to learn to apologise when needed, and how to problem-solve. As we grow into adulthood, we develop additional interpersonal skills, including active listening, a range of communication skills, showing empathy and taking others’ perspective, being kind to others, negotiating, complimenting others, being cooperative, sharing ideas, resisting peer pressure, being flexible and adaptable, accepting difference, appreciating diversity, following social rules, obeying the law, being a good team member and developing leadership skills in ourselves and in others…this list is non-exhaustive—it takes a lifetime to refine our social skills!—but the point is that having good social skills will improve the quality of our relationships and increase the joy in our lives. As we develop our social awareness, we will understand ourselves better, identify our social discomfort and learn how to calm our emotions when we are placed

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under social pressure or find ourselves in social situations that cause us stress. We will discover our strengths and develop our social competence and further develop ourselves to become more socially confident and more proactive in our social contributions, in helping and supporting others, in making career choices and advancement and in being happier overall.

4.4 How to Increase Our Self-Awareness and Other-Awareness Awareness can be both challenging and liberating. It can take time and a lot of self-convincing to make us see ourselves for who we really are, and to accept that sometimes our attitudes and behaviours do not serve us and those around us well. Realising that we might be the cause of troubled relationships is painful. It can be easier to just ignore our flaws and continue with our avoidance of change—at least until we meet a significant crisis. Awareness is a prompt for action; whether we want to change ourselves is a different matter. When we are bold enough to face reality and reflect on the cause-and-effect patterns stemming from our unconscious thoughts and behaviour that create repetitive negative situations in our lives, we will usually come to a decision to change. Or we can take a proactive stance and shape a better future by making the necessary changes now. Positive thoughts and proactive self-talk are helpful in supporting a determination to change. We can allow our positive beliefs to guide us—the belief that we are responsible for the results of our actions and our behaviours, that our self-worth is not dependent on what others think, that we can do more to help others and to be kind and compassionate, and to serve our community and the world. If we are emotionally disturbed for a long time, we may need to seek professional help. Unfortunately, not all of us can afford to see a therapist or psychologist. In many countries, however, there are community groups that can help people in need of social support and people who are experiencing problems such as cancer, domestic abuse, parenting difficulties or marital difficulties. If you do not know where to get help, maybe a friend will. The key is to ask: to reach out and seek help. But many of us are too busy chasing our dreams, chasing security, chasing approval, chasing vanity, chasing love, chasing wealth and hedonistic pleasure. As a result, we become burnt out, stressed and sick, with detrimental long-term effects on our physical and mental health. Yes, life is tough. Life is demanding. However, if we end up dead or debilitated by illness, all the chasing is in vain. We must take time to nurture ourselves, our emotions and our health. Mindfulness practice is a movement aimed at helping people to relax, calm their minds and free themselves from stress and anxiety. Mindfulness in general means paying attention to whatever you need to pay attention to, but in terms of wellness, it means paying attention to your emotional and physical health. There are many ways to practice mindfulness. Apart from engaging in meditation, you could simply just

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sit quietly in the garden with a cup of tea and clear your mind of any thoughts. You could choose to go for a walk by the seaside or in a quiet park, listen to soothing music, doodle or colour pictures, practise yoga or Tai chi, knit or do needlework, pray, cook or bake for pleasure…the idea is to free your mind from worries and feel your existence in the moment. If you can’t do it regularly, at least set aside an hour per week to experience the joy of quietness and tranquillity. When you have tried it a few times, you will see the calming effect it has on you.

4.5 Self-Management and Relationship Management As mentioned earlier, EI comprises self-awareness, other-awareness, selfmanagement and relationship management. Guided by our knowledge of ourselves, our strengths and weakness, our social competencies and social discomforts, we can take action to better manage our emotions and build more helpful and healthy relationships. Self-management refers to our ability to manage our emotions—how we control our impulsive emotional responses and behaviour in response to challenging situations. It involves the skills of remaining in control and staying calm and composed (Gross, 1998). People with poor emotional regulation may have heightened emotional sensitivity and react to even mild stressful events with exaggerated emotional responses and behaviours, from blaming and accusing others to crying or throwing tantrums. This tends to escalate conflicts instead of resolving them (Carpenter & Trull, 2013). The literature featuring emotional regulation strategies highlights a few common strategies that we can learn to cope with emotional challenges. These strategies can help us to identify and describe how we feel when we are emotionally charged. They can also help us to acknowledge and accept these emotions, and to manage them instead of avoiding or suppressing them. They can help us to increase our ability to match our emotional information with our needs and use the information to make decisions that meet contextual demands and manage relationships. Some of these strategies can be self-learned, though it takes time to practice them. Some will need to be introduced by a trained therapist who will help you work through problems and develop the insight, knowledge, skills and willingness to change. These strategies include: attentional control, cognitive reappraisal, emotional distancing and selfsoothing. Attention control is a common strategy used to help people with anxiety by letting them choose what they pay attention to and ignore unwanted thoughts. People with pathological anxiety disorder can be overwhelmed with negative thoughts and memories of bad experiences. If they dwell on these thoughts, their thinking becomes distorted, and they lose sight of positive things around them. Unnecessary thoughts

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and false assumptions about themselves and others impair their ability to make decisions or even just to work and live. Some may find it hard to behave normally in the company of people that they perceive to be against them or trying to harm them. Attention control involves diverting one’s attention away from negative emotions and learning to look at positive ones instead. When someone feels an intrusive thought is taking over, they can divert their attention to something else. This might be going for a walk, listening to calming music or looking at pictures from a happy time. You can create a happy diary or scrapbook to direct your attention to positive thoughts. When you are about to take an exam or give a speech, close your eyes and visualise how successful you are, how confident you feel and how your face will light up when people clap for you. These visualisation strategies are common amongst successful sportspeople. Cognitive reappraisal is a strategy that lets people reframe their thinking so that they understand the reality of their circumstances. Many of us have stumbled and fallen at times in our life journey. We have many emotional scars, and some of them still hurt. Unfortunately, if we hang onto a negative view of the world based on these scars, including a negative view of ourselves and the future, we will suffer further emotional turmoil. Cognitive reappraisal helps us to make sense of what we are going through and see the positive side of life lessons instead of dwelling on the negatives. Albert Ellis (2000) presented an ABC model to help us reframe our thoughts to accept reality as it is and not crawl into a black hole of negativity. Step A is to accurately describe the event, Step B is to describe your own belief, and Step C is to think about the consequences: how you respond to the event, your immediate thoughts, the accuracy of these thoughts, your emotional response and automatic reaction to this event. For example, a mother shocked by unexpected news from her son might break down her thoughts in this way: A: My son Jack came home today and told me that he is gay, and he is going to marry his boyfriend. B: I am in shock and can’t help thinking that I have failed him as a mother. Maybe I did not love Jack enough and failed to give him enough attention. Everyone will now look at the family with disrespect and discriminate against us. C: I feel very distress, guilt-ridden, ashamed and worried. I cannot stop crying. I do not want to see Jack because I do not know what to say or what to do. I have become very withdrawn and refuse to talk about the matter.

A skilled therapist would then help Mrs. Smith to go through these ABC steps again and reframe her thoughts about same-sex attraction and love, so that she could better understand her son and his relationship. The therapist could help her to evaluate her beliefs about her role as a mother, and see how she could play a supportive role in her son’s future life by accepting the fact that he is gay and embracing his sexuality and partner. The therapist could also help her to think about the consequences of both fighting and accepting the reality. It is not easy work to do; it would need a lot of time for Mrs. Smith to overcome her pattern of thinking. But if she is able to reframe her thoughts about her son’s upcoming marriage, she will be able to maintain or even improve her relationship with her son.

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Emotional distancing is an emotional regulation technique that lets us distance ourselves from a stressful situation by removing our emotions from it. This lets us gain some psychological relief, so that we can clear our minds and, eventually, solve the problem in front of us. It is difficult to think clearly in the midst of an emotional storm, so sometimes we need to distance ourselves from a situation and find a port of refuge where we can ease our emotional stress. One way of doing this is to find a calming environment and take deep breaths to cool your emotions and return to a rational state of mind. When you are ready to reflect on the matter that is causing distress or discomfort, you can then run through it in your head, trying to step outside of yourself and watch your own reactions and behaviour from a distance, as if you were a character in a film. Pay attention to the language you used, your body language, your tone of voice, and try to recall what was going through your head as you responded to the situation. Think of ways you could improve the situation if something similar happens in the future, so that you will get less emotionally aroused and stay calm and composed, and perhaps resolve the conflict using more positive approaches. Distance can refer to physical distance—that is, physically removing yourself from the situation. It can also refer to time—giving yourself time to process what has happened, what needs to be done, and what are the best ways to do it. It can also means distancing yourself from the emotions that are driving your behaviour. For example, if you find yourself engaged in a heated argument, instead of raising your voice to make your point, you can learn to control your emotions, stop talking and listen to the other person, to gather information about why they feel the way they do so strongly. It takes a lot of learning and practice to do this well. School teachers can teach their students this skill through role-playing or improvisation activities in drama class. Distance can also refer to emotional distance. Emotional distancing is a necessary skill for people in the caring professions, such as doctors, nurses, social workers, counsellors, psychologists and therapists. It is also vital for law enforcement officers and judges, who cannot allow their emotions to get in the way of delivering impartial justice. While most of these professionals are naturally compassionate and sensitive towards other people’s needs and suffering, they cannot afford to get emotionally involved with their patients, their clients or individuals under their care, or they risk becoming burnt out. They can develop the skill of emotional distancing by participating in emotional sharing groups to increasing their understanding of interpersonal differences in how they respond to their emotions, their attachment styles, their motives and attitudes. Self-soothing is a strategy to help us deal with the fact that sometimes reality just really hurts. We make mistakes, and must face consequences. Sometimes people do cruel and hurtful things to us and there is nothing we can do to but bear the pain. Forgiveness is one way of letting go and freeing ourselves from further hurt. We can also take time to be kind to ourselves—treat ourselves with compassion and heal ourselves with self-soothing strategies. Mindfulness meditation is a very good way of letting go and healing our mental and emotional wounds. We can also engage in

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relaxing activities like taking a warm bath, swimming, going for long walks, listening to soothing music and seeking support from trusted and empathic friends. Perhaps it would be easier to deal with our hurtful emotions if we were taught how when we were young. This is why it is necessary to help to develop EI in our children. We can start to foster emotional regulation in children by just being good models for them. Teachers can teach EI through stories to help them develop social understanding and empathy, and present simulation activities to help them discuss coping strategies and work out how to handle challenging situations. We can help them develop an emotional vocabulary so that they can express their feelings and seek help, encourage children to talk about the stresses, worries and relationship challenges they meet at school. We can teach them to respond to intense emotions and delay action when they are feeling emotionally uncomfortable just by using a simple strategy: Stop, breathe, think. Relationship management is an integral EI strategy that we all need to develop. Having the awareness, knowledge and skills to manage our relationships can free us from a lot of the stress and suffering arising from problems in our relationships. These skills include how to build friendship, e.g., to go from work associates to lifelong friends, how to maintain the relationship and how to develop it to make it more meaningful for the parties involved. On the other hand, if there are people who make us uncomfortable and affect us in negative ways, we also need to work out why this is so, and learn ways to either improve the relationship or tactfully avoid it, e.g., by seeing less of the person without being negative. And there are times when we will need to terminate a relationship, for whatever reasons, and so we need to learn to think about the pros and cons of doing so, identify the consequences and prepare ourselves to face the pain we might cause ourselves and the other party. It is always best to be able to end a relationship in an amicable way if you can, and not burden yourself with guilt or regrets. The literature on relationship management focuses mainly on the commercial side of the topic. Writers focusing on relationship management as part of EI development have highlighted topics such as leadership and relationship management, client and customer relationship management, and relationship management strategies in organisations. These are important workplace knowledge and skills. However, we do not only manage our relationships only at work. Knowing how to manage our relationships in our personal lives is equally, if not more, important. Relationships are dynamic and change over time, and these changes are driven by both parties involved. Each actor has their own desires and intentions regarding what they want from a relationship and how they would like it to develop. This means that we need to nurture our relationships, and put in effort to build, maintain and develop them—with our parents, siblings, loved ones, friends and workmates. Without having some level of EI, self-awareness, and other- awareness, we will make mistakes, offend people, trigger misunderstandings and set off negative emotions in ourselves and in others, and this will eventually lead to the deterioration of the relationship. Then both parties suffer.

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But relationship management is not as easy as a six-step strategy in an article on leadership. It involves our attitudes, how we present ourselves to others, our strengths and shortcomings and how we communicate with others, at home and in the workplace. We cannot manage our relationships wisely or properly without understanding the dynamics of all our different relationships. Part II of this book will discuss the different kinds of human relationships: parents and children, siblings, lovers and spouses. Part III will discuss work relationships and relationships with people in our community. Part IV will discuss in more detail how to help children develop EI and cope with emotional challenges. I hope you will find these chapters useful in encouraging your growth and development of a higher level of EI that supports your knowledge and skills in relationship management.

References Carpenter, R. W., & Trull, T. J. (2013). Components of emotion dysregulation in borderline personality disorder: A review. Current Psychiatry Reports, 15, 335. Clough, P. J., Earle, K., & Sewell, D. (2002). Mental toughness: The concept and its measurement. In I. Cockerill (Ed.), Solutions in sport psychology (pp. 32–43). Thomson. De Rosnay, M., & Hughes, C. (2010). Conversation and theory of mind: Do children talk their way to socio-cognitive understanding? British Journal of Developmental Psychology, 24(1), 7–37. https://doi.org/10.1348/026151005X82901 Ellis, A. (2000). Can rational emotive behavior therapy (REBT) be effectively used with people who have devout beliefs in God and religion? Professional Psychology-Research and Practice, 31(1), 29–33. Goleman, D. (1995). Emotional intelligence. Bantam Books. Gross, J. J. (1998). Antecedent- and response-focused emotion regulation: Divergent consequences for experience, expression, and physiology. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 74(1), 224–237. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.74.1.224 Hartup, W. W. (1999). Peer experience and its developmental significance. In M. Bennett (Ed.), Developmental psychology: Achievements and prospects (pp. 106–125). Psychology Press. Jones, E. E., & Pittman, T. S. (1982). Toward a general theory of strategic self-presentation. In J. Suls (Ed.), Psychological perspectives on the self (Vol. 1, pp. 231–262). Erlbaum. Luft, J., & Ingham, H. (1955). The Johari window, a graphic model of interpersonal awareness. In Proceedings of the western training laboratory in group development. UCLA. McLeod, S. (2008). Self-concept. https://www.simplypsychology.org/self-concept.html Meltzoff, A. N. (1995). Understanding the intentions of others: Re-enactment of intended acts by 18-month-old children. Developmental Psychology, 31(5), 838–850. https://doi.org/10.1037/ 0012-1649.31.5.838 Nelson, B. (2019). The emotion code: How to release your trapped emotions for abundant health, love and happiness. St Martins Essentials. Oltmann, S. (2014). N4: Interpersonal relationships and social interaction [PowerPoint slides]. https://www.slideshare.net/suzaanoltmann/n4-interpersonal-relationships Ostberg, V. (2003). Children in classrooms: Peer status, status distribution and mental well- being. Social Science and Medicine, 56(1), 17–29. https://doi.org/10.1016/S0277-9536(02)00006-0 Rucker, D. D., Galinsky, A. D., & Dubois, D. (2012). Power and consumer behavior: How power shapes who and what consumers value. Journal of Consumer Psychology, 22(3), 352–368. https:// doi.org/10.1016/j.jcps.2011.06.001

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Schwartz, B., & Sharpe, K. E. (2006). Practical wisdom: Aristotle meets positive psychology. Journal of Happiness Studies, 7(3), 377–395. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10902-005-3651-y Sebanz, N., Bekkering, H., & Knoblich, G. (2006). Joint action: Bodies and minds moving together. Trends in Cognitive Sciences, 10(2), 70–76. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.tics.2005.12.009 Seligman, M. E. P. (2002). Authentic happiness. Free Press. Shneidman, L. A., & Woodward, A. L. (2015). Are child-directed interactions the cradle of social learning? Psychological Bulletin, 142(1), 1–17. https://doi.org/10.1037/bul0000023 Spiegelman, E. (2018). Rewired: A bold new approach to addiction and recovery. Hatherleigh Press. Steverink, N., Lindenberg, S., Spiegel, T., & Nierboer, A. P. (2020). The associations of different social needs with psychological strengths and subjective well-being: An empirical investigation based on social production function theory. Journal of Happiness Studies, 21(3), 799–824. https:// doi.org/10.1007/s10902-019-00107-9 Sullivan, H. S. (1953). The interpersonal theory of psychiatry. W Norton & Co. Summers, J. (2013). The internal and external aspects of self-determination reconsidered. In D. French (Ed.), Statehood and self-determination: Reconciling tradition and modernity in international law (pp. 229–249). Cambridge University Press. Vannatta, K., Gartstein, M., Noll, R., & Zeller, M. (2009). Peer acceptance and social behavior during childhood and adolescence: How important are appearance, athleticism, and academic competence? International Journal of Behavioral Development, 33(4), 303–311. https://doi.org/ 10.1177/0165025408101275 Wegscheider, S. (1981). Another chance: Hope and health for the alcoholic family. Science and Behavior Books. Weisleder, A., & Fernald, A. (2013). Talking to children matters: Early language experience strengthens processing and builds vocabulary. Psychological Science, 24(11), 2143–2152. https:// doi.org/10.1177/0956797613488145

Chapter 5

Family Relationships and EI

5.1 Introduction Emotional Intelligence (EI) is the ability to truthfully perceive and appraise our emotions and express them in effective ways so as to maintain harmonious interpersonal relationships. The family is where we first learn about relationships. It is where we form emotional bonds and learn about social interactions. The continuous, evolving dynamics of family relationships require us to develop skills, knowledge, practice and emotional intelligence to support, love and care for our family members. Developing EI in family relationships helps us to become more aware of our own needs, and our roles and responsibilities in providing family members with a feeling of security, a sense of belonging and a pride in being valued, loved and respected. This chapter discusses research findings on the different family combinations in our current societies, and how changes to family structure can impact children. It also discusses family dynamics and the factors shaping family and marital satisfaction. It aims to inspire readers to reflect on their current and needed strengths so that they can increase their family joy and wellbeing through both self-awareness and otherawareness within the family, and promote the development of increased EI in family relationships.

5.2 Family Structures and Combinations Family structure is a term used in the discipline of sociology which describes how the members of a family are linked by marriage or marital partnership, biological relatedness and living arrangements. The OECD (2011) tells us that one in six children now lives in a single-parent household headed by a woman. While traditional two-parent nuclear families are still the majority in many countries including Japan, Korea and Greece, family structures all over the world have changed. Internationally, almost 20% of marriages end in divorce within five years, and marital and family © The Author(s), under exclusive license to Springer Nature Singapore Pte Ltd. 2022 M. Gonzales, Emotional Intelligence for Students, Parents, Teachers and School Leaders, https://doi.org/10.1007/978-981-19-0324-3_5

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breakups have resulted in the formation of many different types of family structures. Each of these family groupings has its own characteristics and relational dynamics. This increase in family structure diversity has changed the definition of ‘family’.

5.2.1 Types of Family Structure and Combinations Over the last five decades, there have been significant changes to the types of family structure seen in both Western and Eastern societies. The traditional family form is no longer the sole type of family unit anywhere. Instead, many combinations of family structures are accepted and supported. Current sociological literature describes six major types of family combinations: 1.

2.

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Nuclear families: what have been considered ‘traditional’ families comprising two parents and their children. These children may be the biological offspring of the parents, or they may be adopted. According to the 2016 US Census, 69% of children in the US still live in nuclear families. Single-parent families: families with only one parent—a mum or a dad who is either divorced, widowed, or otherwise, or who has chosen to adopt a child alone and build a family with them. Some studies have found that children who grow up in single-parent families can be more independent than children of nuclear families, as they may need to help their parents out with household chores or look after younger siblings. Depending on family dynamics and circumstantial factors, relationships in single-parent households can be either very close, or problematic due to financial burdens and other pressures faced by the parent. However, it has also been found that children in single-parent families tend to have less parental regulation or emotional support, and thus have weaker coping strategies and be more prone to engage in substance abuse or risky sexual behaviours, and to have problems with interpersonal relationships (Lansford et al., 2006). Stepfamilies: families formed when two people remarry or live together as a couple. One spouse or both may have children from their previous relationships. The parents then become stepfather or stepmother to these children, and any children they have in their new marriage will become their stepbrothers or stepsisters. This family combination can be challenging to all members, as there are dynamics and demands on each member of the family that they all have to learn to adjust and adapt to. Grandparent families: families in which children live with their grandparents instead of their parents. This may be due to the loss of a parent to death or a relationship breakup if the other parent is not able to look after the children due to work or other demands. There may also be other social and personal causes for the formation of grandparent families. Relationships in this familial combination depend on the personalities of the individuals, and the health, age

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and financial status of the grandparents. This arrangement is possibly more preferable to having the children sent to foster care. Extended families: families where, in addition to the nuclear family unit (mum, dad and children), other family members live together including grandparents, uncles, aunts and cousins. These families usually share cultural values and cherish family support and respect for the family’s senior members (grandparents, uncles and aunts). Children growing up in such household tend to learn how to adjust satisfactorily to different demands from their adult family members, and how to get along with many cousins and siblings. There are, however, issues regarding personal privacy, family obligations and personal freedoms in this family structure. Extended families are not uncommon in non-Anglo cultures. Many European, Middle Eastern and Asian families live in this type of family structure. Childless families: families formed by two people who choose to live together to form a relationship and simply enjoy each other’s company without having children. They can include couples who are not able to conceive, and those who choose not to. Many such families have pets instead.

As a result of issues including deaths, marital failure, divorce and remarriage, families can go through various restructurings over time, causing instability in the lives of their members. Some of these changes can be for the better, but experiences of family change and instability still have a tremendous impact on children and their wellbeing (Osborne et al., 2012; Qu & Weston, 2013).

5.2.2 Changes to Family Structure and Transition Adjustments Marital separation and divorce have become common social phenomena in most developed countries. In Australia, for example, Kaspiew (2007) reported that the ‘traditional 2-parent family’, which made up 48.4% of all families in 1976, dropped to 37% of the total by 2006. Similarly, the percentage of single-parent families in Australia increased from 6.5 to 10.7% over the same period. Separation and divorce are not only stressful and difficult for the couple involved, but can also affect children and the extended family. Studies have found that it takes a family at least two years to regain its equilibrium after a separation or divorce, and some scholars have found that children with divorced parents are at higher risk of problems compared to their peers whose parents are not separated or divorced. For example, before or after a parental separation, some children may regress in their behaviour and demeanour, be more irritable, display depressive symptoms, engage in noncompliant behaviour and have problems with social relationships and a decline in school performance (Amato, 2005; Kelly & Emery, 2003). Nonetheless, children appear to be more resilient than was once thought. A majority of children who experience parental divorce adjust well and do not exhibit enduring emotional or behavioural problems. In an American

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study, for example, Hetherington and Kelly (2003) found that 75% of children did well after experiencing parental divorce, while only 25% experienced emotional and behavioural problems. Data captured on children’s resilience also found that most of the difficulties they do experience are short-term, and when given support and time for adjustment, many children bounce back (Amato, 2005; Wallerstein & Blakeslee, 1989). Divorces unavoidably lead to changes in family structure and a period of adjustment for both parents and children. The transition may be more difficult for some families than others. Depending on the temperaments and adaptability of the children and adult family members, some transitional experiences may heighten levels of emotional and behavioural unpredictability in some children, especially less adaptable ones (Ackerman & Brown, 2006). In addition to this, human relationships are complex and challenging, and finding a suitable new partner after a divorce is not easy. Consequently, some children experience multiple family transitions throughout their childhood. This experience of family instability is more strongly associated with compromised and adverse development opportunities for these children (Osborne et al., 2012; Waldfogel et al., 2010). Family structure changes means household shifts and residential moves. Most often, due to changes in household income, middle-class families need to move to lower quality residences. This increased family transition and instability has been found to be a major cause of negative outcomes for children (Crowley, 2003; Ersing et al., 2009). Divorce also tends to bring about a decline in financial resources for the family. Some divorcees, particularly men, may need to pay alimony and child support in addition to financially maintaining a new marital relationship and family. Empirical evidence shows that children in low-income homes generally fare less well in terms of cognitive, social-emotional and physical development compared to those in households with better financial resources. Single-parent households with parents struggling to make ends meet cannot afford to invest in the development of their children in terms of nutritious food, cognitively stimulating toys and quality family time to the same extent (Gennetian et al., 2010), and families facing legal problems around child support, custody arrangements and parent access face more stress than others, adults and children alike (Parkinson et al., 2007). Some studies indicate that teenagers have the hardest time adjusting to new family arrangements. In one example, Ruschena et al. (2005) found a notable increase in parent-teen conflict and lower quality parent-teen relationships. Some scholars have also found that family transitions have a strong impact on high school students, being correlated with a higher rate of school dropouts and the internalising and externalising of emotional stress (Cavanagh & Huston, 2006; Lansford et al., 2006). Nevertheless, family changes and regroupings do not always bring gloom and doom. There are many success stories and happy endings too. When a parent remarries and is able to manage the change in a positive way, children show better developmental outcomes as a result of settling into a new, more stable family environment, with well-adjusted parents who are able to support their needs and help them adapt

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with consistent routines, love and encouragement. These success stories depend heavily on the personal characteristic of each parent, their resources, the quality of the care they provide and other environmental factors (Brown, 2010).

5.3 Family Dynamics Family relationships are complex and intricate and thus cannot be understood in linear terms. We can never explain family issues by simply stating that event ‘A’ produced problem ‘B’. Each family is strongly bonded with complex dynamics and multiple patterns of behaviour unique to it, and these can lead to healthy relationships or family dysfunctions, and in most families a mixture of both. Bonds within the family are influenced by the marital relationship of the parents, parent–child relationships, sibling relationships, and the influence of family dynamics (Ramachandran, 2012). The term ‘family dynamics’ refer to the roles and relationships of family members, their patterns of interactions, and the factors that shape their interactions. These dynamics are influenced by the nature of the parents’ relationship, the number of children in the family, the personalities of the family members, family values and beliefs, the family’s cultural background and ethnicity, the nature of the attachments in the family (e.g., marital attachment, parent–child attachment, sibling attachment), influence from members of the extended family, and social-economic factors such as levels of education, social status, and wealth or poverty (Jabbari & Rouster, 2021). Family dynamics influence how young people see themselves and others, and how they form relationships both in their childhoods and later on, in their adult lives. All families have both helpful and unhelpful dynamics. Sometimes these can lead to family conflicts. Family conflicts arise in every family from time to time. Sometimes they may be due to differing opinions or opposing points of views, differences in values or minor misunderstandings. At other times, there may be relationship issues between marital couples, parent–child issues or sibling rivalries. Sometimes there may be adjustment problems, for example when a new member joins the family—a newborn, step-parent or stepchild. Sometimes, there may be problems encountered by children as they grow from childhood to adolescence. Occasional conflicts are a normal part of family life, and many of these minor conflicts can be solved if family members are able to: • • • • • • • •

respect the other person’s point of view. keep calm and actively listen. define the problem and show a willingness to work out the issue. separate the problem from the person. find common ground. maintain clarity and stay reasonable. refrain from blaming or being defensive. agree to disagree if no resolution can be found.

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Sadly, some families will face multiple problems consistently. In addition to the common conflicts that most families face, they may have more severe problems to deal with, such as addiction issues, domestic violence and abuse issues, chronic financial issues (e.g., poverty) or chronic health issues. These challenges produce intense emotional stress for all members of the family, and can cause long-lasting anger, resentment, anxiety and depression. They can also lead to family breakups, such as divorce or marital separation, and can have adverse consequences for children’s development, diminishing their sense of security, trust, self-esteem and self-worth. These critical problems are too complicated for one person, or the members of one family unit, to solve by themselves. They may need intervention from professionals such as social workers and family therapists. In the complex world we now live in, community support is also essential to help families in need, and more social and community support organisations are needed everywhere. In some countries in Europe and Asia, for example, schools, community and religious groups have set up support groups run by trained professionals to help with family problems.

5.4 Factors Shaping Family Satisfaction Every couple desires a joyful family life and wants to create and nurture a happy family. To do so requires ongoing attention and effort, though, because there are so many interacting factors in a family that can create disharmony. There may be demanding mums and dads, cranky teens and trying toddlers making life challenging. Yet in a close-knit family, if the family is able to create a safe and healthy environment where everyone feels cherished and loved, these are minor issues that will be easily overcome. Sociologists interested in studying family dynamics have identified a range of factors that shape family satisfaction (Chao, 2001; Hamilton & Carr, 2016; Huntington, 2008; Johnson & Greenman, 2006; Kerr et al., 2003). They include: unconditional love and strong family bonds; personalities and personal characteristics; interpersonal relationships within the family; financial stability; quality family time; support in stressful situations; shared life concepts and values; realistic expectations; compatibility; and power sharing. These factors are summarised below.

5.4.1 Unconditional Love and Strong Family Bonds Unconditional love means love that is given or received without any strings attached. Your loved ones are not seen as indebted to you for the love you give, nor do they need to do anything to earn it. Many of us grow up in families that do not understand what unconditional love means. For example, parents may unconsciously make their children earn their love by showing favouritism towards siblings who do well at school or excel in sports. Some parents punish their children when they get in trouble at

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school, or ignore them for days, instead of trying to understand the challenges they face. Some may kick their teens out of the family home if they develop a drug addiction instead of helping them. Similarly, in a marriage, one spouse may use sex as a means to get what they want and withhold affection and sex until they get their desires. Unconditional love does not mean love without boundaries. This can lead to abuses of power and the development of unhealthy relationships. Consider Maggie, who loves her husband deeply. He is an alcoholic who constantly loses jobs because his heavy drinking leads to ill health. For Maggie, unconditional love means looking after him when he is sick, working three jobs to make ends meet, and not complaining when he ‘enjoys his drinking’. Because she gives him unconditional love, she believes that she is being kind and saintly. However, not knowing how to set healthy emotional and relationship boundaries, she lives in an unbalanced relationship of give and give and give some more, neglecting her own needs. We all have different personalities, habits, and flaws. Unconditional love is about accepting, connecting, caring and supporting. When a family member is on a path that may lead to unhealthy or harmful choices and behaviour, unconditional love also means letting them know that they need to make changes, and giving them the support, they need. It is easier said than done, but take Maggie’s case as an example: she could tell her husband, ‘I love you dearly and I want you to know that you need to stop your indulgence and excessive drinking. I can no longer support this family financially when you keep losing your job over your heavy drinking, and I am concerned about your health and our relationship’. When a family member is ‘in trouble’ or doing the ‘wrong’ thing, instead of judging and criticising, family members can show them love, advocate for them, and support them in making changes and overcoming their challenges. This may be easier for individuals with a high level of EI and exceptional personal characteristics to do than it is for the rest of us. However, this deep connection of kindness, acceptance and love will form a strong family bond.

5.4.2 Personality and Personal Characteristics Personality encompasses our inborn traits and the development of the cognitive and behavioural patterns that influence how we think and act. Character is an aspect of our personality, and is influenced by our families and the experiences we have outside the family. We are all different in our personalities and personal characters. Young parents often feel astonished by how different their children are even though they live under the same roof. One child may be quiet and placid and another may be flamboyant and passionate. Even twins have different personalities and characters. Sometimes differences in personality may create conflict between spouses, siblings or parents and children. Awareness of the needs, preferences and behaviours of your family members is therefore a vital factor in creating strong bonds. Knowing how to appreciate the strengths of each personality and learning to accept and adjust

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to personality differences can help to minimise family conflicts that arise due to personality clashes. Find ways to connect to one another that support their needs and wants. Understanding and accepting personality differences will help to build stronger family cohesion.

5.4.3 Interpersonal Relationships Within the Family We are taught both at school and at work about the importance of developing good interpersonal relationships. However, this important social skill actually needs to be taught at home, with parents as models. Interpersonal relationships are built on a combination of self-awareness and other-awareness. Knowing your own thoughts and emotional needs, behaviour and communication patterns is the first step in establishing good interpersonal relationships. Communication is the next step, as conflict usually arises as a result of miscommunication and misunderstanding. Parents must therefore learn to provide a safe and accepting environment that allows children to express their thoughts and needs, ask questions, state opposite views, and protest or complain. When children are encouraged to express their emotions—positive or negative—they will feel free to share and communicate openly with their family.

5.4.4 Financial Stability Financial stability enables families to access safe accommodation, healthy food and other necessities to build a healthy family. A financially stable family can focus more resources on the development of its children. Such a family can afford to go on holidays and create happy childhood memories, and give children more opportunities to follow their interests and develop their potential in art, music and other areas. Family members are also more likely to have more time and energy to take part in charitable events and community service. The majority of social problems in our modern societies stem from family financial hardship. Children living in poverty face many barriers while growing up. A lack of money can lead to parental stress and mental health issues. Sometimes, it can be the cause of marital and family breakups. Short-term debts can be overcome with the aid of governmental intervention and family support, but long-term poverty will impact family life and happiness. This is one reason why access to family planning is so important. Nonetheless, there are always circumstances that are beyond our control. Families facing financial problems need support. Knowing how to seek out and accept help is one way of coping with family financial challenges.

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5.4.5 Quality Family Time Quality family time means having time together as a family to share fun and joy. It helps family members to connect and develop closer relationships, and to know one another better. Spending quality family time together also means having time to listen to one another, communicate and support one another. These days, many parents are so busy with work demands that finding family time to spend together is sometimes challenging, but even having dinner together and talking about each other’s daily undertakings, tasks and amusements can be quality family time. Families that spend a lot of time together tend to be more loving and connected.

5.4.6 Support in Stressful Situations We all feel stressed from time to time, due to pressures from our workplaces, schools, social encounters, communities and perhaps even our governments. Many of us can cope with short bursts of stress, but there are times when we feel overwhelmed and experience strong negative emotions due to these demands. Different people react differently to stress; some may become irritable and some moody, and some may withdraw and prefer quiet time to ease the mind. Emotional support from family members is a protective factor when it comes to dealing with these difficulties and challenges. When we know that we are loved and that our family is always there to help and comfort us, then life becomes easier. Without that safety net, we may feel alone and helpless, and can develop physical and mental ailments such as diminished immunity, high blood pressure and other physical diseases, and even cognitive decline.

5.4.7 Life Ideals and Values Our values are the ideas and concepts that are important to us, such as love, freedom, respect, equality, financial security, friendship, etc. Every family has a set of core values important to its members. Some may be handed down from previous generations. These may include their cultural identity, religious beliefs, beliefs about education, and moral values such as honesty, responsibility, family bonding, love and respect, personal independence and social status. These values can help to define the behaviour of the family as a unit. Family values can also serve as a compass to give family members a clear outlook on life, helping them to develop their identities by understanding their backgrounds and their moral bearings.

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5.4.8 Realistic Expectations Relational expectation is the belief that our loved ones will treat us with love, honesty, and respect. That is the most basic of expectations in a relationship: most people would not marry if their relationships did not meet these expectations in the first place. Our children expect us to love them and support them with our care and financial resources. Our spouses expect us to be truthful, loving and honest with them. As families, we expect to help and support each other and to maintain a healthy, loving family bond. Aside from that, different families have different sets of expectations of their spouses, children and other family members. Having expectations is important because it encourages our loved ones to do better and to behave acceptably. However, some parents may place too many expectations on their children, and create pressure on them, while others may have too few expectations, leading their children to become lazy, dependent, irresponsible and lacking in opportunity to develop their potentials. Likewise, some children expect their parents to shower them with gifts and toys all the time, taking for granted what their parents give them out of love and failing to appreciate all the gifts of love they get. To be an emotionally intelligent family, it is helpful to know what expectations our partners, our siblings and our children have of us, and what expectations we have for each other.

5.4.9 Compatibility Compatibility refers to the alignment of individuals’ values, lifestyle choices, education levels, interests and family goals. People who can find a perfect match in life are lucky, as this is very rare, but when two people in love are compatible to any degree, they tend to feel secure and comfortable with each other. They are happy to spend time together and equally happy to spend time apart. While every couple ‘fights’ from time to time—not physical fights, but disagreements and friction for different reasons—when a couple is compatible, they can easily forgive each other and reconnect. However, when a couple is vastly incompatible in temperament, educational levels, values and so on, there tends to be more conflict in the relationship and an imbalance in power and relational dominance.

5.4.10 Power Sharing Power in a relationship refers to a person’s ability to exert influence and control over others. Power is not a dirty word. We all want power because we want to be able to have our say in decision-making, to feel that our opinions are valued and to feel that we can control our own lives without being controlled by others. In the past, in

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many patriarchal societies, the father, as the head of the family, had ultimate power over the family. Negotiations and compromise were sinful acts and everyone had to ‘respect his authority’! Without education, newspapers, TV and social media, wives and children who did not realise that they had a choice obeyed this tradition for centuries, living in fear under the control of the powerful males around them. Thank goodness for education and equal opportunities for women! We are now blessed with choices and equality, and no longer have to live under men’s control. When two people fall in love and decide to marry and build a family, one of the most fundamental factors in them having a happy relationship is their respect for each other. Respect means treating others the way we want to be treated, and making each other feel valued, supported, and treated fairly and equally. Yet in many marital relationships, one spouse is more controlling than the other. Most of them do not realise this. One spouse may be more easygoing and happier to let the more dominant partner make most of the decisions. But when one spouse gets obsessed with power and becomes controlling, then a power struggle will take place. A power struggle occurs when two or more people are trying to gain control over the same thing and want to have their decisions honoured. In reality, we all want different things, some of which may matter to one person but not another. So, what to do? Communication and understanding are required, and sometimes, family members need to make compromises. This means that one person may have to give something up to accommodate the needs and desires of another. A loving couple would naturally play fair to ensure that one person does not always give up what they want and be the one to compromise all the time, but this doesn’t always happen. Leadership literature teaches us to empower and not to overpower. Empowering means supporting the people we love so that they can fulfil their needs and goals. This is more effective than being dominant and using power to make people do things the way you want. And the concept of empowerment is applicable to maintaining healthy family relationships, too, as power sharing in a family means changing your concept of power from a hierarchical model to a supportive ‘web’ model, where everyone in the family has an equal say in decision-making and need not be tightly controlled by the parents or older siblings.

5.5 Marriage and Family Marriage is the physical, spiritual and emotional union of two people and the beginning of a new family. People get married for many different reasons, but love is usually the major component in their decision, and traditionally, marriage has been considered a lifelong commitment between partners to honour, to love and to care for each other in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer. However, human relationships are complicated, and unfortunately, due to the multiple demands we face in life, marriages have become a more fragile form of fulfilment, and many choose to take the easy way out and choose to live separately or get divorced instead. Lifelong commitment requires both parties to be willing to understand and accept the

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other fully—the good and the bad. When people are prepared with EI skills early in life, they will be more self- and other-aware, more able to show empathy for and understanding of their spouse’s needs, and more able and willing to manage their own emotions and support their partner in weathering relational conflicts. EI is vital to creating healthy family relationships.

5.5.1 Why Do People Get Married? Marriage is an important part of life for many people. We shed tears of joy at weddings and feel happy for the couple as they unite in different cultural, religious and civil ceremonies. People marry for many different reasons that are unique to them: love, is of course the key factor, but other reasons include companionship, demonstrating long-term commitment to a relationship, providing security for children, gaining legal status and financial security, to meet religious standards and avoid ‘living in sin’, and many more. Being married means having more time to spend exclusively with the person you love, doing things together, sharing hobbies and interests and solving life problems together. Marriage enhances physical closeness, creating stronger emotional connections and increasing sexual enjoyment. When both spouses work, their joint financial income can increase their opportunity to buy a property and build a comfortable home, halve the expense of living alone, and in some countries, reduce the amount of tax they have to pay. This is certainly an added bonus to all the other benefits of getting married! Marriage can also expand our family and support networks, offering opportunities to learn more about other cultures and traditions, establish relationships with people with different professions and areas of interests, learn life lessons from more elders, and gain more support for childcare needs and advice on education and marital concerns. Big family celebrations create joy and help to uphold family traditions and cultural institutions.

5.5.2 Factors in a Healthy Marriage Sociologists and psychologists have long been keen to learn about marital satisfaction and factors that promote a healthy marriage. One example is from VanLaningham et al. (2001), who found the following were factors that led to a healthy marriage and marital satisfaction: • • • • •

love and commitment sexual intimacy time for each other honesty and trust generosity and kindness

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• respect and humility • patience and forgiveness • communication VanLaningham et al. (2001) found that newlyweds enjoy high levels of marital satisfaction. First of all, they are deeply in love and create romantic moments for each other. Being in love makes us feel motivated and inspired; it makes us bring the best sides of ourselves to the relationship, serve our partner, please them and overlook and accommodate flaws and weaknesses. Newlyweds are both building a dream based on their hopes, plans and mutual support. Sadly, however, in some relationships, the strong bond may decline after as little as two years of living together. Doss et al. (2009) have claimed that new parents experience a faster and steeper decline than childless couples. However, they also found that one out of ten couples experienced a closer relationship following the birth of their first child. Couples who were mutually supportive in their new journey of parenthood found increased joy in their marriage along with their firstborn. However, couples who found their stress increased upon the birth of a baby experienced a decline in marital happiness. For example, consider a husband with a stressful job who, before the arrival of the baby, comes home to his new wife at the end of the day and gets attention and pampering. He has time and space to relax and engage in other interests and is able to unwind. However, once there is a newborn in the family, when he comes home after a stressful day at work, his wife expects him to help and relieve her after her own long day of feeding the baby, changing nappies, and soothing endless crying. This sudden change of lifestyle will understandably take a toll on their marital relationship! Life will be a bit easier if the couple receives some help and support from their own parents or a domestic helper, but research also shows that many new parents devote more time to childcare and less and less time to maintaining their marriage relationship. Eventually, one parent—most often the father—may start to see their child as a rival for their partner’s attention and affection, and the relationship will start to deteriorate.

5.5.3 Marital Conflict Maintaining a loving relationship takes energy and effort. Those who have good parental models are lucky and perhaps face fewer challenges, have more resources to support them when they are in need, and have advice and strategies available to help them solve their marital problems and build strong and happy family relationships. Today, when support networks are valued, people can establish more supportive communities to help couples to solve marital conflicts before they lead to a decline in relationship. The literature identifies seven major causes of marital conflict (Billingsley et al., 2005; Choi & Marks, 2013; Driver & Gottman, 2004; Gottman & Silver, 1994). These are:

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Communication: The is key to any relationship. Marital relationships weaken when we fail to communicate in a positive manner. Some spouses tend to assume that their partner knows and understands what they need and how they feel, and many will wait until conflict arises to identify issues and concerns. Few couples make time to talk about each other’s needs and how they can help to meet them. Some may not be willing to listen, and will react defensively instead. Some engage in ineffective communication styles likely learnt from TV shows and movies—or from our own parents, such as blaming, criticising, yelling and using verbally abusive language to vent anger and resentment instead of wanting to solve issues. Couples need to learn to develop positive ways to discuss problems, solve them without blame and take action to nurture their relationship to bring it to a harmonious state. Knowing how to communicate without being emotional is a skill that needs to be learnt and practised. Expectations and boundaries: Love is blind. When we are madly in love, we choose to overlook the flaws and bad habits of our lovers, or to believe that we can ‘change them’. As time passes, and we grow more sober, we begin to feel that these bad habits are annoying instead. However, attempts to change your spouse can be perceived as controlling and invasive, and can result in defensiveness and withdrawal. Having unrealistic expectations often ends in disappointment. Overstepping personal boundaries will lead to emotional discomfort and clashes. The decline of sexual intimacy: All couples experience different challenges in their sex lives. With the passage of time, some partners may feel less attracted to each other. The frequency of sex may start to decline. Couples may also find that they have different expectations during sex, including about affection and emotional connection during and after sex, who will initiate sex and how, the decline of sexual pleasure and fun when sex becomes a routine, disappointment with the sexual performance of their spouse, and the decreasing frequency of sex in the marriage. Emotional and sexual infidelity: When people are dissatisfied with their sex lives, some may turn to others and engage in extramarital affairs. People are unfaithful to their spouses for lots of different reasons. They may be emotionally drawn to others or magnetised by their physical attraction, the individual’s personal qualities, attention they get from the other party that is absent in the marriage, or other reasons. Infidelity, whether emotional or sexual, is one of the major causes of relationship breakup because the sense of betrayal of trust is very hurtful and hard for many to forgive. Disagreement over money: Financial matters are closely related to a range of marital problems and family discord, and long-term disagreements about financial management are one of the major causes of fallings-out in marriage. Some contributing factors include one partner’s inability or unwillingness to budget and save, overspending leading to hefty credit card and other debt, unstable income that is inadequate to meet the family’s financial needs, irresponsible habits such as not paying bills on time, and gambling leading to debt crises. Other causes of financial disputes are disagreements about one spouse’s controlling style in the directing of spending decisions and other financial and

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adjustment problems. Couples with financial planning and management skills have been found to enjoy greater marital satisfaction, while those lacking such abilities tend to face more marital conflict and dissatisfaction (Dew, 2007; Papp et al., 2009). Values difference: We are all individuals with our own personalities, likes and dislikes and life priorities. It is natural that couples sometimes have clashes over value differences. Such differences can be related to political affiliations, cultural, traditional and religious views, parenting styles and expectations about child nurturing, and many other social-economic issues. Couples who are not able to be flexible in accepting each other’s views and opinions may experience friction in their relationship. On the other hand, couples with high EI respect each other’s views, and know how to decline discussions of subjects that will lead to heated reactions, and are better able to maintain stable relationships within the family (De Groot & Steg, 2010; Djupe & Calfano, 2013; Döring et al., 2015). Personality difference: Couples are attracted to each other for different reasons. For some, it is because of the similarities they share; for others, attraction comes from the differences in personality that they see in each other. Social psychologists and marriage counsellors suggest that personality traits–the factors that shape our behaviour, our temperament, and how we interact with others—are one key component in marriage satisfaction. They claim that couples with similar personalities are likely to share more positive associations with each other in both the short and the long term. In contrast, those with huge personality differences will experience more turbulence in their relationships (Gonzaga et al., 2007; Kardum et al., 2016; Luo & Zhang, 2009).

5.6 Emotional Intelligence in Family Relationships After the joy of saying ‘I do’ and putting that ring on a loved one’s finger comes the responsibility of achieving the ‘… and they all lived happily ever after’ part of the story. This is everyone’s dream when they get married and form their own family. To live this dream, we need to put in time and effort. Yet as we work to build the ‘home sweet home’ we’ve planned for, sometimes we get drowned in work demands, and may choose to spend those extra hours in the office to please the boss and let our attention to our family slide. Some of us may suppress our anger and frustration at work and project them onto our family members instead. Some parents will be so busy tending to the children that they end up ignoring the needs of their spouses. Couples drift apart when they stop paying attention to each other and to their own need for love and affection. Without emotional and physical intimacy, family interaction can become a burden. People can become strangers to each other. EI is a powerful capability to help us to take control of our own attitudes and behaviours, and to maintain and sustain meaningful, supportive and loving relationships with our spouses, siblings and extended families.

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Remember, you cannot change others; you can only change yourself. By becoming more self-aware of your own needs, roles and responsibilities in the family, your strengths, weaknesses, limitations and potential, you can gain insight into how to enhance family relationships. You can examine your personality and how it matches with the personalities of other members of your family. Are you happy with the way you communicate with them? Do you need to strengthen your communication skills so that you can make your needs known, discuss issues tactfully and solve problems using a collaborative approach? Many people are constantly unhappy because they dwell in their negative emotions. However, we can make the choice to feel what we want to feel. By changing our thoughts and our perspectives, we can learn to let go of unpleasant emotions so that they do not destroy us. Learn to identify your emotions: ask yourself, Why am I frustrated, anxious or upset? What is it exactly that I am feeling? What are these emotions telling me? Am I feeling insecure? jealous? fearful? Of what? Why? Digging deep into these feelings will open doors and untie knots. Learn to recognise your emotional triggers by asking yourself, Why do I dislike some people (this person)? What did they do? Is it my bias or did they do something to hurt me? Do I want to forgive them? How can I learn to be more accepting and less judgemental? EI is the ability to understand and monitor our emotions, and recognise what these emotions are telling us. When we become more self-aware, we are in a better position to exercise self-control, especially in difficult situations. Pay attention to your attitudes and behaviours, and you will be able to unearth unconscious destructive behaviour that is harming your own wellbeing and family relationships—because the best way to fix any emotional problems in the family is to attend to your own emotional health first. When you know how to express your emotional needs in an assertive manner, your family will follow your lead. It takes effort to learn to name your emotional issues and use the most appropriate language to communicate your needs or issues in a way that does not put others on the defensive. You can start by writing your thoughts down, identifying what changes you want to see happen, and planning how to best make your needs heard. Knowing what to do is easy, though; actually putting thoughts into action may take some time and courage. When you have committed to making a change, be sure that you stick to it. Be consistent, or people will lose trust in you. Focus your energy on what you want to change. Develop positive self-talk to motivate yourself to stay committed to the change you need to make. Seek help from trusted friends or professional counsellors if you have complex issues that you cannot solve. Meditate to free your mind. Be other-aware, too. As yourself: What are the needs of my family members? What can I do to help support their emotional needs? Encourage them to talk by making it safe for them to express their views. Be open-minded. Be accepting. We learn to behave in unacceptable ways from all sorts of sources, from our own parents to TV dramas and movies. I would argue that over 95% of these TV shows and movies may do more harm than good to our personal behaviour, our relationships and how we respond to others. Particularly from reality TV programs and movies, we learn to judge others with prejudice, and to vent our anger by kicking a chair or

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punching a hole in the wall. We learn to see smoking as a stress relief, and Valium or non-prescription drugs as ways to ‘escape’ our troubles. We are tempted to swear, curse, hate, criticise, boast, take revenge, manipulate, and engage in all sorts of behaviours that hurt ourselves and others. To be emotionally intelligent is to work on giving up these old bad habits and forming new, constructive and supportive ones. Instead of promoting revenge, hatred, violence and negative thoughts and behaviours, we need more pro-social and compassionate stories to help build personal and community EI. Too bad that Hollywood producers think stories about compassion and being kind to others are old-school and unmarketable! EI gives us the focus, energy and creativity we need to meet the demands of our different relationships. Develop a high EQ and you will be able to lead a proactive life, and perhaps even live happily ever after.

Resources To help you to become more aware of your strengths and needed strengths in your family relationships, here are some questions for you to ponder alone or discuss with your family members. Communication Families benefit from communication that is loving, understanding and patient. When you communicate with your family members • • • • • • • • • • •

Are you honest with each other? Do you listen to each other with full attention? Are you aware of your tone of voice and body language? Do you reassure each other of your love with words? Do you show love with cuddles and touch? Do you make time for each other, to hear each other out? Do you share thoughts and feelings without censuring or criticising each other? Do you encourage positive behaviour? How? Do you allow the expression of negative emotions as well as positive ones? Do you work together to solve problems and conflicts? Do you play and laugh together? Sharing activities Happy families share fun together.

• How often do you share time together just to have fun? • Do you make dinnertime an opportunity for round-table family discussions? • Do you go on regular family outings?

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• Do you make decisions as a family, such as how to celebrate birthdays and festive occasions? • Do you involve the kids in planning holidays that cater for the whole family? Togetherness Happy families share a feeling of togetherness. • • • • • • •

Do you share a common sense of belonging? How do you show it? Do you share beliefs that really matter? Do you resolve differences (of opinions and beliefs)? How? Do you (and your family) enjoy the place you call home ? How do you know? Do you celebrate together? How? what do you do? Do you solve problems together? How? Do you spend time to share memories? Support Happy families support and encourage each other.

• • • •

Are you aware of your spouse’s (children’s) emotional loads? Are you there for each other? Do you encourage each other to try new things? Do you take an active interest in each other’s hobbies, work, dreams? Affection Happy families show their affection for each other in a variety of ways.

• • • •

Do you show love and tell family members how you feel about them? Do you show love as a family? How? Are you considerate of each other’s needs and feelings? Do you care about each other? How do you show that? Acceptance Happy families are able to show acceptance of individual differences.

• Do you show acceptance of the individual differences of your family members? How? • Is there anything you need to work on in this regard? • Do you give each other space? How, and how often? • Do you respect each other’s points of view? • Are you able to forgive others ? • Do you and your family members take on their own responsibilities? • Is there anything you need to work on?

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Commitment Happy families have a genuine commitment to each other. • • • • • •

Do you feel safe and secure with your family members? Do you trust each other? Are you good at keeping promises? Are their rules in the family, and are they being followed? Do you do things for the community? Are you friendly with your neighbours? Do you help each other out? Resilience Happy families show their resilience.

• • • • • • •

Do you talk things through in times of challenge? Do you change plans when there is a need to? Do you learn from the tough times? Do you usually discuss problems? How? Do you encourage and support each other, and keep each other hopeful? Do you pull together in a crisis? How? Is there anything you need to work on in this regard?

The following chapters discuss parent-child relationships (Chapter 6), sibling relationships (Chapter 7), and friendships and romantic relationships (Chapter 8).

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Dew, J. P. (2007). Two sides of the same coin? The differing roles of assets and consumer debt in marriage. Journal of Family and Economic Issues, 28(1), 89–104. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10 834-006-9051-6 Djupe, P. A., & Calfano, B. R. (2013). Religious value priming, threat, and political tolerance. Political Research Quarterly, 66(4), 768–780. https://doi.org/10.1177/1065912912471203 Döring, A. K., Schwartz, S. H., Cieciuch, J., Groenen, P. J. F., Glatzel, V., Harasimczuk, J., et al. (2015). Cross-cultural evidence of value structures and priorities in childhood. British Journal of Psychology, 106(4), 675–699. https://doi.org/10.1111/bjop.12116 Doss, B. D, Rhoades, G. K., Stanley, S. M., Markman, H. J. (2009, March). The effect of the transition to parenthood on relationship quality: An 8-year prospective study. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 96(3), 601–619. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0013969 De Groot, J. I. M., & Steg, L. (2010). Relationships between value orientations, self-determined motivational types and pro-environmental behavioural intentions. Journal of Environmental Psychology, 30(4), 368–378. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jenvp.2010.04.002 Driver, J. L., & Gottman, J. M. (2004). Daily marital interactions and positive affect during marital conflict among newlywed couples. Family Process, 43(3), 301–314. https://doi.org/10.1111/j. 1545-5300.2004.00024.x Ersing, R. L., Sutphen, R. D., & Loeffler, D. N. (2009). Exploring the impact and implications of residential mobility: From the neighbourhood to the school. Advances in Social Work, 10(1), 1–18. https://doi.org/10.18060/77 Gennetian, L. A., Castells, N., & Morris, P. A. (2010). Meeting the basic needs of children: Does income matter? Children and Youth Services Review, 32(9), 1138–1148. https://doi.org/10.1016/ j.childyouth.2010.03.004 Gonzaga, G. C., Campos, B., & Bradbury, T. (2007). Similarity, convergence, and relationship satisfaction in dating and married couples. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 93(1), 34–48. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.93.1.34 Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1994). Why marriages succeed or fail. Simon & Schuster. Hamilton, E., & Carr, A. (2016). Systematic review of self-report family assessment measures. Family Process, 55(1), 16–30. https://doi.org/10.1111/famp.12200 Huntington, C. (2008). Happy families? Translating positive psychology into family law. Virginia Journal of Social Policy & the Law, 16(2), 385–424. Hetherington, E. M., & Kelly, J. (2003). For better or for worse: Divorce reconsidered. W.W. Norton. Jabbari, B., & Rouster A. S. (2021). Family dynamics. StatPearls. StatPearls Publishing. https:// www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK560487/ Johnson, S. M., & Greenman, P. S. (2006). The path to a secure bond: Emotionally focused couple therapy. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 62(5), 597–609. https://doi.org/10.1002/jclp.20251 Kardum, I., Hudek-Knezevic, J., Schmitt, D. P., & Covic, M. (2016). Assortative mating for Dark Triad: Evidence of positive, initial, and active assortment. Personal Relationships, 24(1), 75–83. https://doi.org/10.1111/pere.12168 Kaspiew, R. (2007). Empirical insights into parental attitudes and children’s interests in family court litigation. Sydney Law Review, 29(1), 131–162. Kelly, J. B., & Emery, R. E. (2003). Children’s adjustment following divorce: Risk and resilience perspectives. Family Relations, 52(4), 352–362. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1741-3729.2003.003 52.x Kerr, M. H., Beck, K., Shattuck, T. D., Kattar, C., & Uriburu, D. (2003). Family involvement, problem and prosocial behavior outcomes of Latino Youth. American Journal of Health Behavior, 27(1), S55–S65. https://doi.org/10.5993/ajhb.27.1.s1.6 Lansford, J. E., Malone, P. S., Castellino, D. R., Dodge, K. A., Pettit, G. S., & Bates, J. E. (2006). Trajectories of internalizing, externalizing, and grades for children who have and have not experienced their parents’ divorce or separation. Journal of Family Psychology, 20(2), 292–301. https:// doi.org/10.1037/0893-3200.20.2.292

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Chapter 6

Parent–Child Relationships and EI

6.1 Introduction Parenthood can be a joy for some and a daunting challenge for others. Many of us are thrown into the deep end and learn to stay afloat while facing the demands and expectations placed on us to be perfect parents. The truth is, though, that there is no such thing as a perfect parent. We can only do our best. This chapter shares how understanding our attachment styles can impact how we relate to others, including our children. It introduces key child development theories to help parents understand children’s physical, cognitive, emotional and social growth at different stages of development. It also discusses various parenting styles and how they affect children’s emotional growth and regulation, and highlights how parents who have endured traumatic childhood experiences can learn to heal their childhood wounds and become positive, loving and emotionally intelligent parents.

6.2 Parent–Child Relationships Historically, parenting was a harsh practice. Medieval texts stated that newborns were burdened with ‘original sin’ and had to be redeemed through harsh treatment and instruction. For many, especially the less privileged, childhood was brutal, nasty and almost non-existent. While peasant children were sent to work on the farms or ‘outsourced’ as child labour, the children of the middle and upper classes—especially boys—were sent away to boarding schools to be ‘educated’ by punitive and merciless masters. This does not mean that they had unloving parents, though. It was just the way life was in the past. ‘Spare the rod and spoil the child’ was the motto for parenting until approximately the 1970s, as older readers might recall. And the ‘rod’ was applied not only by parents but also by educators and child carers. Today, however, social scientists have provided evidence that when we undermine our relationships with our children in this way, © The Author(s), under exclusive license to Springer Nature Singapore Pte Ltd. 2022 M. Gonzales, Emotional Intelligence for Students, Parents, Teachers and School Leaders, https://doi.org/10.1007/978-981-19-0324-3_6

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we also undermine their growth and development. Having a good relationship with our children is of utmost importance to raising healthy and happy ones. A plethora of literature in the past decades has confirmed that the parent–child relationship is linked to our children’s sense of self-worth and self-esteem, and to good mental health (e.g., Birkeland et al., 2012; Garber et al., 1997; Kamkar et al., 2012; Laible et al., 2004; Parker & Benson, 2004). And how our parents treated us impacts strongly on how we parent our children. Most of us begin parenting by echoing the parenting styles of our mothers and fathers—and likewise, the way we treat our children, positively or negatively, is how we are unconsciously teaching them to be parents in their turn. We now live in a very complex world with pressures and challenges from many different angles. We should no longer allow our children to walk blindly into parenthood without heightening their awareness of the importance of positive parenting. The ability to establish and maintain parent–child connection is vital to creating healthy parent–child relationships.

6.2.1 Understanding Attachment The term attachment refers to the bond we have with our parents from birth. Bowlby, the creator of Attachment Theory, claims that it is ‘a lifespan theory that attempts to explain human behaviour from cradle to grave’ (Bowlby, 1969, p. 208). Newborns form attachments with their caregivers (parents, especially their mothers) and begin to feel secure and contented. Because of this sense of security, the child will have the courage to explore and learn about their environment with confidence (Moullin et al., 2014). Bowlby explains that ‘to grow up mentally healthy, the infant and young child should experience a warm, intimate, and continuous relationship with his mother (or mother substitute) in which both find satisfaction and enjoyment (Bowlby, 1951, p. 13). Child development literature tells us that secure attachment in healthy parent–child relationships is related to the development of the frontal cortex, which is responsible for reasoning, judgement and decision-making, and is linked to many positive outcomes, including brain development and social-emotional development. Children who feel safe and have a secure attachment to their parents or caregivers are more likely to experience opportunities that stimulate brain growth, through joyful activities such as singing, learning to talk and enjoying bedtime stories. When a child is feeling distressed or insecure, stress hormones take over, but when the parent or caregiver responds with soothing behaviour to comfort the child, the child learns to self-regulate, becomes calm and feels less insecure. Additionally, a secure parent– child attachment leads to the development of trust and empathy for others (Bowlby, 1982; DeBellis & Thomas, 2003; Dozier et al., 2009). In addition to this, infants not only learn to decipher the emotions of their primary caregivers through their touch, body and facial language, and tone of voice, but also store this emotional information and create mental representations of their attachment

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figure. Bowlby labels these ‘internal working models’ and argues that infants will use them throughout their lives as soothing mechanisms in times of stress. Bowlby and subsequent researchers therefore maintain that our early attachment to our mother or primary caregiver has a profound and unconscious impact on our adult behaviour (e.g., Ainsworth & Bowlby, 1991; Bowlby, 1969; Cassidy & Shaver, 2008; Cronin, 2003). Bowlby (1977) identified two key environmental factors that influence the development of mutual attachment between mother and child. The first factor is the opportunity for attachment. The absence of such opportunity deprives children who are not cared for by their parents, such as orphans or wards of the state whose parents may be incapable of caring for them for various reasons, of the chance to form an attachment with their parents or another significant caregiving figure. The second factor is the quality of caregiving. Neglectful parents who spend little time bonding with their children deprive them of the opportunity to form healthy attachments with adults, risking the development of mental and emotional health issues in later life. In a longitudinal study, Schaeffer and Emerson (1964) showed that a healthy attachment is formed only when the primary caregiver is warm and responsive to the child. Just spending a lot of time with an infant does not guarantee healthy attachment. Attachment is formed through the nonverbal emotional communication between the infant and the caregiver. In fact, impatient parents who fail to soothe the child will create the opposite of attachment. Based on their observations, Schaeffer and Emerson identified four stages of attachment. These are: 1.

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Pre-attachment stage: Infants from birth to 3 months do not show any distinct attachment to a specific carer. The infant welcomes any carer who soothes its crying and attends to its physical needs. Indiscriminate attachment: From 6 weeks to 7 months, infants begin to recognise their primary carer (usually their mother) and begin to bond with her. They accept care from any other carer but are able to identify the primary carer and respond more strongly to her. Discriminate attachment: From 7 to 11 months, infants show an established bond with their primary carer or carers (usually mum and dad). They develop stranger-anxiety when approached by other, unfamiliar people, and show separation anxiety when the primary carer(s) are absent in times of need. Multiple attachment: From 9 months of age, infants begin to recognise other members of the family or caregivers and feel safe with them. They also develop attachments with those who respond to them with warmth and love. These carers may include their father (if he is not one of the primary caregivers), siblings, aunts and uncles, grandparents, and friends of the family.

In 1978, Ainsworth identified four patterns of attachment: secure, insecure/avoidant, insecure/ambivalent and disorganised/disoriented. The following illustrates how young children display these attachment patterns. 1.

Secure attachment: A child with secure attachment will be happy to explore a new environment (e.g., a playroom). When the parent leaves the room, the

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child will show some signs of separation anxiety, such as crying and worrying. However, upon the return of the parent, the child will calm down and resume play. Researchers have found that children with secure attachment patterns are loved and have learnt to trust others, and are more likely to develop a healthy self-image and self-esteem. They are also better able to deal with stress later on in life (Dykas & Cassidy, 2007). Insecure/avoidant attachment: A child with this attachment style does not feel safe exploring a new environment even when the parent is present. They may be very conscious of the location of the parent even when exploring. When the parent leaves the room, the child becomes anxious and distressed, and upon the return of the parent, may show anger toward the parent for leaving and refuse to continue with any activity in the new environment. Successive research findings have supported the belief that children with insecure/avoidant attachment tend to be raised in environments that they perceive as stressful and do not receive care and soothing attention in times of need. Their caregivers may have rejected them or be emotionally unavailable. This lack of affective connection distorts the infants’ mental representation of self-image and their sense of security (Gullone et al., 2006). Children with insecure/avoidant attachment are also found to be less able to cope with emotional situations and to experience delays in childhood development. Insecure/ambivalent attachment: A child with this attachment style does not show strong attachment to their mother or caregiver. This may be due to neglect or unloving parenting, or to inconsistent parenting behaviours in which, for example, parents are overly attentive at some times and neglectful at others. Such children may not cry when their parents leave the room; however, they show signs of avoidance when the parents return, appearing unemotional. These children tend to focus more on the toys and objects of interests in the room than the people in that environment. Individuals who grow up with insecure/ambivalent attachment patterns tend to have a negative self-image, lack empathy, be distrustful of others, and believe that they are not worthy of love. They are at greater risk of developing depression, anxiety and addictions (Bifulco et al., 2002). Disorganised/disoriented attachment: A child with this attachment style displays disorganised and mixed behaviour in the presence of their mother or caregiver, and may seem dazed or confused. They do not show a clear attachment to their caregiver and may ‘freeze’ in a new environment, not knowing what to do. When their parent returns to the room, this child may raise their arms to be picked up, but not make eye contact with their caregiver. This indicates an avoidance behaviour despite the child’s need to be soothed, suggesting that the caregiver is a source of both desired comfort and fear. Infants who show this type of attachment style are likely to have been raised in a highly stressful environment or abused by their caregiver(s) in early development, causing an inability to regulate their emotions, and they may be traumatised (Cassidy & Mohr, 2001). Some have learnt to dissociate from reality to avoid further hurt, and many feel powerless when faced with stress (Creeden, 2004; Main & Solomon, 1986).

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The causes of insecure attachment may include: • Parents/caregivers who lack the necessary parenting skills and knowledge to provide emotional support for their infant. • Parents/caregivers who are uncaring or irresponsible and who neglect their child both physically and emotionally. • Parents/caregivers who have health or emotional problems that deprive them of the time and energy they need to pay attention to their infant. • Parents/caregivers who have chronic problems and personal difficulties (e.g., poverty, drug addiction or mental illness). • Parents/caregivers who are separated from the child due divorce, illness, etc. • Infants being cared for inconsistently by multiple different family members or institutions due to changing circumstances (e.g., the death of a parent, war, crime and addiction, entering foster care). Bowlby (1977), Ainsworth (1978) and other theorists believe that the early attachment formed with a child’s primary caregiver has a significant impact on their physical, emotional and psychological health, and the development of social relationships throughout their life. A mother’s attachment to her child is powerful and has a profound and unconscious impact on adult behaviour. However, readers are cautioned that these are data from a sample of psychological observations, and not to over-associate these data with their own experiences. Nonetheless, a safe and loving environment with quality parental care is still vital in the first stage of our lives.

6.2.2 Adult Attachment Styles Building on Bowlby’s Attachment Theory, Bartholomew and Horowitz (1991) presented a model of adult attachment styles to assess attachment styles in social and interpersonal relationships. This model also includes four attachment styles, namely secure, anxious-preoccupied, dismissive-avoidant, and fearful-avoidant. The following is a brief description of these styles (Sable, 2008). 1.

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Secure attachment: Individuals who demonstrate this style of attachment hold a positive self-image and a positive view of others. They find it easy to become emotionally close to others and are seldom worried about being alone or not being accepted. They are likely to have felt secure throughout their childhood, and thus are able to develop responsive interactions with others. Securely attached adults feel contented with both independence and intimacy. They are usually emotionally available to those who need them and responsive, caring and loving parents to their children, forming secure attachments with them. They are also capable of regulating their positive and negative emotions. Anxious-preoccupied attachment: Individuals who display this style of attachment tend to have negative views of themselves and others. They worry that others do not value them, and therefore have difficulties forming friendships or

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relationships with others, often believing that others are rejecting them or failing to acknowledge their presence. They seek high levels of approval and responsiveness from their attached figure, and have a tendency to be overly dependent on that figure. When they do not gain the attention or response they desire from others, they may blame themselves and doubt their self-worth. They may also show high levels of worry, impulsiveness and emotional dysregulation in their relationships. Dismissive-avoidant attachment: Individuals with this style of attachment pattern usually have a positive self-view but a negative view of others. They tend to be very independent and self-sufficient, and prefer not to depend on others. Likewise, they would prefer that others not depend on them. They are comfortable without any close relationships and avoid attachment altogether. They are generally unconsciously defensive, and tend to suppress and hide their emotions, even from themselves. They cope with rejection and relational conflict by distancing themselves, choosing self-isolation and avoidance. Fear-avoidant attachment: Individuals with this style of attachment have unstable views of themselves and others. Many are uncomfortable getting close to others, and find it hard to trust them enough to form a relationship. They tend to be self-protective and will employ a range of defensive mechanisms to protect themselves from hurt. They are more likely to have suffered abuse in their childhood that prompts them to build barriers to emotional closeness, although they may also crave emotional bonds with others. They find it difficult to express their affection for fear of being abandoned by their loved ones, and therefore choose to be emotionally distant. Individuals with this attachment style are also prone to mental health problems such as depression and anxiety disorders.

Bowlby (1969) informs us that our adult attachment patterns are likely to be continuations of our childhood attachment styles. However, other researchers suggest that adult attachment is also influenced by, and may change because of, the events and encounters that we experience in our later childhood or teen years, and our relationships with others through the different stages of development (Brennan et al., 1998; Fraley & Shaver, 1997).

6.2.3 Attachment, Emotion Regulation, and Interpersonal Relationships Bowlby’s Attachment Theory has also been used to study emotion regulation in children and adults. Investigations into parent–child attachment have shown that when an infant does not experience reliable or consistent protection and loving support from their caregivers, they can develop anxiety or avoidance as a coping mechanism. Recent studies have also shown that attachment styles are associated with distinct emotional profiles. Those with secure attachment styles are more confident, calm and

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composed when confronted with emotional challenges, and are more able to regulate their emotions, whereas those with insecure attachment styles have difficulties controlling their emotions and are more prone to anger, depression and other negative emotions. They also tend to display coercive and hostile, dominating behaviours when faced with conflict in interpersonal relationships. (Consedine & Magai, 2006; Schore & Schore, 2008; Schimmenti et al., 2014). A gender difference is also noted amongst those who show anxious-avoidant attachment styles. Women with these attachment styles tend to be more intense in their displays of hostility and distress during relational discord, and are more likely to be dominating and defensive than men (Woodin, 2011). Contrastingly, women with secure attachment style tend to react constructively during conflict, be less defensive and show a commitment to resolving disagreements. They are also more affectionate and more likely to show empathy to others, accommodate others’ flaws, and are more forgiving than men (Campbell et al., 2005; Shi, 2003). Individuals who feel insecure as children carry this sense of insecurity into adulthood. They are likely to have a difficult time adjusting to a new or unfamiliar environments, such as when moving from primary school to high school, changing jobs or moving to a new country. They also have difficulty understanding their own emotions, expressing those emotions in appropriate ways and regulating them when under stress. People with insecure attachment styles also have difficulties forming friendships and other social-interpersonal relationships.

6.3 Theories that Guide Parenting Our grandparents and parents, many of whom might have been victims of cruel parenting themselves, had little access to knowledge and skills about positive parenting. Today, we are lucky to be informed by an ocean of research on the different aspects of healthy parenting, and the consequences of poor parenting too. Section 6.1 reviewed Attachment Theory, one of the most prominent theories that informs us about how the way we bond with our children affects them throughout their lifespan. This section presents other common theories that support positive parenting. Most of these theories are part of the professional education of teachers, child psychologists, social workers and other people working with children. However, not many parents get the chance to learn about them. For parents who want to develop increased EI, having some knowledge of these theories will be helpful.

6.3.1 Behavioural Theories The earliest teaching of the behavioural approach to child rearing was quite bizarre. In the 1920s, John Watson, the founder of the Behavioural Approach, taught that human behaviour could be shaped by stimuli-response factors, which he named

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classical conditioning. He believed that many of our emotional responses are learnt, and applied his theory of classical conditioning to demonstrate how children learn fear. However, in those early days, the focus on child emotional development was thought to be conditioned by external factors and stimuli. Watson therefore warned parents not to love their children too much: ‘Never hug and kiss them, never let them sit in your lap. If you must, kiss them once on the forehead when you say goodnight. Shake hands with them in the morning. Give them a pat on the shoulder when they have done a good job’ (Watson, 1928, p. 81). In the 1940s, American psychologist B. K. Skinner introduced the concept of operant conditioning and used it to help teachers and educators support behavioural change as part of classroom management (Skinner, 1963). The difference between classical conditioning and operant conditioning is that the former involves associating an involuntary response with a stimulus, while the latter is about associating behaviour with a consequence. The basic concept of operant conditioning is that a stimulus (an antecedent) leads to a behaviour, which also leads to a consequence. For example, a child sees a toy in a toy shop (stimulus/antecedent) and wants it. Their mother says ‘No’. The child throws a tantrum and cries loudly (behaviour). The mother, wanting to avoid embarrassment, buys the child the toy (the consequence). So the child has learnt that throwing a tantrum will get them the desired result. This example illustrates Skinner’s teaching—that a target behaviour is followed by reinforcement, which will either strengthen or weaken that behaviour. In this case, the mother has given the child a negative reinforcement: tantrum equals toy. In operant conditioning, both positive and negative reinforcement will increase a behaviour, whether good or bad. When an adult responds to a child who is behaving appropriately (for example, keeping his room tidy as required) by buying them a toy as a reward, that is positive reinforcement. Conversely, when a child behaves badly and demands a toy, and the parent yields to such behaviour and buys the child a toy as a bribe to behave better, they are giving the child negative reinforcement. Operant conditioning is part of the Behavioural Approach used commonly in the last century. Teachers and parents have been using the Behavioural Approach to shape children’s behaviour for three or four decades. However, contemporary social scientists have raised the issue of using punishment—especially physical punishment, which has been shown to be associated with increased child aggression, antisocial behaviour, mental health problems such as fear and anxiety, and poorer quality of parent–child relationships. (Siegel & Bryson, 2014). In one early research study, Alberto and Troutman (1990), found that 90% of American parents used spanking as a punishment. Physical punishments such as spanking, hitting and slapping were common before the 1970s. Now there is legislation in some countries that makes these unlawful, because it is known to do more harm than good in helping children develop self-regulation skills. Even the use of ‘time out’, a technique designed to give an angry child some time and space to calm down before having a rational discussion, is considered an inappropriate method for teaching behavioural management. Parents and teachers are therefore warned to use ‘time out’ cautiously. Siegel and Bryson (2014) warn that when children are sent to a quiet corner or a different room for ‘time out’, they can feel rejected and shamed, especially if it happens in

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the classroom. This will harm the child’s self-esteem, and may even arouse more anger. If a child is sent to the time out room at school frequently, they may also start to use it as an escape to avoid tasks they do not enjoy. Siegel and Bryson (2014) therefore advise parents and teachers not to use time out as a consequence for poor behaviour, but only as a true break to give an angry or distressed child time to calm down. Follow-up actions must be taken as soon as the child comes out from ‘time out’ to reassure them that they are not being punished. Adults (parents or teachers) must make sure they listen to the child’s side of the story, and reinforce a positive parent–child or teacher-student connection.

6.3.2 Cognitive Developmental Theory The Cognitive Developmental Theory developed by Swiss psychologist Jean Piaget (1929) focuses on how children learn and understand their environments, and how they think and acquire knowledge. He suggests that children grow through four different stages of mental development. 1.

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Sensorimotor stage: From birth to around age 2, a child learns mainly from sensory perceptions and motor activities. In their first six months of their lives, they have limited memory and do not have a sense of object permanence. This means that when an object is hidden from sight, they think it has ceased to exist. However, that does not really matter to the child as they will switch their attention to other interesting objects or people. Pre-operational stage: From ages 2 to 6, a child learns to understand and use language. Children at this stage are able to think at a symbolic level but are not ready to use words and sentences in a sophisticated way to organise their thoughts and ideas. They are, however, very good at using their imaginations and playing imagination games. Concrete operational stage: From ages 2 to 11, children are able to use language and understand rules. They begin to think logically, but many are still confined to thinking in terms of concrete events and physical things, and unable to understand abstract or hypothetical concepts. They can only think in terms of operational thoughts. Formal operational stage: From age 12 on, children develop the ability to understand abstract concepts. They progressively develop logical thinking, deductive reasoning, and systematic planning.

Piaget’s Cognitive Developmental Theory is widely used in education and school systems worldwide to guide curriculum and learning activities. Knowledge of these stages of development, and other aspects of the Cognitive Developmental Theory, can be helpful for parents as it lets them know what to expect at the different stages of their children’s cognitive development. This will help them to decide what to provide their children with, and when, in order to support their developmental growth.

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6.3.3 Psychosocial Development Theory American psychologist Erik Erikson, after years of studying children and society, developed his psychosocial development theory, which describes eight stages of development (Erikson, 1958). Erikson believed that we all pass through these eight stages, and that each stage builds on the previous one. In our journey of life, moreover, we face different challenges—at least one crisis at each stage. When we are able to resolve that crisis, we gain maturity and move on to the next stage. This helps us to gain psychological strength and become confident and mentally strong. The eight stages of psychosocial development described by Erikson (1958) are: 1.

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Trust vs mistrust: From birth to about age 18 months, infants form bonds and attachments with their mother/primary caregiver. When the mother/caregiver is consistent with their nurture, love and care, the baby learns to trust and depend on them. However, if the mother/caregiver is inconsistent in their responsiveness with the child, this trusting bond will be unstable or absent. Erikson believes that the development of trust at the infant stage is the basis of the child’s forming a sense of identity. Without trust, the infant will feel insecure and sense that the world is inconsistent and unreliable. Autonomy vs shame and doubt: From age 1 to 3, children begin to discover independence, from taking their first step to being allowed to self-feed and do a lot of basic tasks like putting on their shoes or operating a toy. If children are pressured by anxious parents who limit their freedom to explore their environment or try new things, they will be deprived of a sense of autonomy and may become over-reliant. At the same time, if they are laughed at when they fail to complete a task on their own, they may fail to develop confidence in themselves. For example, children in this age group are generally learning toileting skills, and if parents reprimand children for wetting themselves during the day, or wetting their beds at night, this can cause them to develop feelings of shame. Erikson advises that positive parental support is vital at this stage to ensure the development of self-confidence and autonomy. A lack of support will not help the child to develop self-control and self-esteem. Initiative vs. guilt: From the age of 3 to 5, children develop the ability to do things on their own. They need to develop a sense of purpose in the things they do. Some will start making their own decisions and have confidence in leading others in games and learning activities at school. They will also become very curious and ask a lot of questions to try and understand their world. When children are not allowed to interact with others during social activities, or not given the opportunity to lead or initiate play, they risk becoming socially deprived and not developing the social skills they will need later in life. If they are ridiculed for asking too many questions, they can start to feel guilty for being too inquisitive. Involving a child in planning or making decisions at home or at school can give them a sense of purpose and develop their feelings of pride and self-worth. Industry vs. inferiority: From age 5 to 12, children start to develop a sense of competence. They are old enough to compare themselves with others. In

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traditional classrooms where learning is measured by academic success and test scores, children who are less academically successful can therefore develop a sense of inferiority. Teachers and parents are advised to identify the talents and interests of each child to help build their confidence. Children in this age group also love to be engaged in activities such as art, sports, music, magic and play. Strict parents who do not allow children to engage in these social activities will also deprive them of the opportunity to grow socially and intellectually. Identity vs. confusion: As children transition from childhood to adolescence, between the ages of 12 and 18, they begin to think about their identity (who am I?) and their purpose in life (what do I want to do in life?). This is the stage at which they form their beliefs and values, and develop morality. At this stage, many turn to peers for support, especially if they do not gain the support they need from their parents and families. Peer influence will thus sway their behaviour and ideals. However, when these youngsters receive positive parental support (and school support), they are much more likely to form a healthy and strong self-identity. Without such supports, a young person may not be able to develop a strong sense of self, which can lead to a confusing and problematic adulthood. Intimacy vs isolation: From the ages of 18 to 40, individuals look for love and relationships. Through supportive friendships, positive family relationships and loving relationships, they find satisfaction in fulfilling their need for love and intimacy. This gives them a sense of belonging and acceptance, and a sense of safety, care and commitment. However, those without healthy family relationships during childhood, or those with special challenges, may encounter difficulties in forming meaningful, fulfilling and intimate relationships with others, resulting in isolation and a sense of rejection, loneliness, and lack of self-worth. Generativity vs. stagnation: Between the ages of 40 and 60, most people have established a career or maintained a job and an independent livelihood. Some have married and had children, while others have made productive contributions to their society in other ways. However, if a person has not achieved any of these life events, (e.g., still living with mum at age 45, not married, no job, no life purpose), they may feel uncomfortable about this ‘stagnation’, feel regret and develop a sense of uselessness. Integrity vs despair: As people enter their senior years, from age 65 onwards, many have accepted whatever pain and challenges they have faced in their life journey. They have developed the wisdom to ‘let it be’. Many are proud of their life achievements and feel a genuine satisfaction when looking back. However, people who have failed to complete the previous stages of life, according to Erikson, may look back at their lives with feelings of loss and regret. Some may even fall into depression.

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Erikson’s theory informs us of how our different social experiences at each stage of our life play a role in our psychosocial development and growth. Having a knowledge of this theory helps us understand the social nature of human beings and recognise the importance social influence and parenting, and how they shape our social development, especially in the first five stages of life.

6.3.4 Social Learning Theory Social Learning Theory is a combination of cognitive development theory and behavioural theory, with an added social element. In the 1960s, Canadian-American psychologist Albert Bandura developed this theory to illustrate how we, as children, learn through observation of our role models (Bandura, 1968). These role models can be our parents, teachers, friends and family members, and also book and television characters, which he classified as live models, symbolic models and verbal instructional models. Bandura believes that the reward and punishment methods used in classical and operational conditioning, described in the Behavioural Approach section above, are insufficient to change behaviour. He stresses the importance of role models to guide a child in making behavioural changes. While working with aggressive children in the early 1960s, Bandura studied how and why children behave aggressively. He discovered that observational learning is one of the major factors leading to aggressive behaviour. In a well-known experiment, the ‘Bobo doll’ experiment, Bandura proved that children would repeat aggressive behaviour after watching what an adult model did to the Bobo doll. He also found that children would be more likely to copy the behaviour of models of the same sex rather than those of the opposite sex. The Social Learning Theory is considered by many to be a bridge between cognitive and behaviourist learning theories, because it emphasises cognitive processes such as attention, memory and motivation. Bandura believes that people can learn to change their behaviour without either rewards or punishment, but also that that learning might not actually result in a behaviour change (Bandura, 1997). He maintains that people learn through observation, imitation and modelling. While practitioners of Behavioural Theory use positive and negative reinforcement to instigate behavioural change, Bandura found that people make changes due to their own intrinsic reinforcement—things that matter to them, like their pride, sense of achievement, need to connect with others, etc. (Bandura, 1986). According to Bandura, individuals do not just imitate others. There are cognitive processes involved in learning taking place. These mediational processes include: 1.

Attention: To learn something, it is necessary to pay attention. We come across hundreds of events every day, but we learn only from the ones that we pay attention to. No matter what you try to teach your children, if they do not pay attention to what is taught, there will be no learning involved.

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Retention: People do not learn by just observing others once or twice. The information has to go through our memory and be processed cognitively (consciously or unconsciously). This means that learning something, especially a behavioural change, is a slow process. It does not happen overnight. Reproduction: Change requires action—the ability to do something to achieve a goal. Therefore, the ability to change and the willingness to change are both important factors in enabling a person to reach their target or desired goal/s and create change. Motivation: Motivation is a key factor in change. Unlike the Behavioural Theory, the Social Learning Theory teaches that reward and punishment do not always work. If a child is always punished for behaving inappropriately, they will learn to ignore the consequence, or even abuse the process. For example, if a child knows that they be sent to the time out room or suspended for bad behaviour, they may use this as a way to avoid classroom tasks they dislike. However, if a child is motivated to change through what is important to him/her, and given guidance and modelling, genuine change can take place.

Another of Bandura’s key teaching points is the concept of self-efficacy. Bandura (1986) explains that self-efficacy is part of our self-esteem, comprising our attitudes, abilities and cognitive skills. It is how we see ourselves, and whether we believe in our ability to achieve something—for example, making a behavioural change. Efficacy beliefs affect how we think optimistically or pessimistically, which drives our self-enhancing or self-debilitating behaviours when we have to complete a task or fulfil a goal. It involves both intrinsic (internal) and extrinsic motivations (material rewards, social rewards). It also plays a central role in self-regulation for overcoming challenges and managing our expectations of outcome. The principles of the Social Learning Theory are very useful for parents. Having the knowledge and skills needed to facilitate these principles can help them to provide a reassuring environment for their children, be aware of how they as role models influence their children, understand how intrinsic motivation works in order to help their children develop appropriate behaviour, and understand how self-efficacy drives the achievement of goals. This section has introduced a few key theories of human development to help parents to understand themselves and how their journey from childhood to adulthood might have shaped their beliefs, values, thoughts and behaviours. Professionals working with children are educated about the different aspects of child development, and these theories help them to understand how children develop at different stages, physically, psychologically and emotionally. By understanding these different stages of development, parents can learn how to enrich their children’s learning opportunities and enhance their growth and development. They can also understand why some children have difficulties and challenges in their thinking, reasoning, and social-emotional development.

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6.4 Parenting Styles and Positive Parenting Parenting can be a lifelong process. When our children are young, we have the responsibility to meet their basic needs by providing them with warm and safe shelter, nutritious food, clothing, medical care and protection from harm. But we must also provide them with the support they need to develop physically, cognitively, psychologically and emotionally. Unlike our grandparents and parents, we now know how important positive parenting is in developing strong and affectionate relationships with our children that are based on communication and mutual respect. By understanding their needs at different developmental stages, we can give them the support they need to enrich their lives. One aspect of enhancing our children’s growth is helping them develop emotional competence—that is, the ability to understand their feelings, express them suitably, and regulate their emotions at different situations and social contexts. By providing them with guidance and opportunities to develop interpersonal and social skills, we increase their ability to express and regulate their emotions in a healthy way, thus reducing their chance of experiencing mental health issues and behavioural challenges. As illustrated in Sect. 6.2, parents serve as role models to their children. This means that how we express or suppress our emotions will be watched and copied by those children. It is natural for young children to react with strong emotions in situations that they do not understand or have not experienced before. As they are not able to express themselves verbally, they communicate through their behaviour—for example, by crying or having tantrums. Parents who understand that these situations are attempts to communicate will be able to soothe their children and teach them how to express these feelings better as they get older. However, parents who are not prepared may respond in different ways, which might encourage inappropriate behaviours instead, leading to behavioural challenges later on. There is increasing evidence to show that children with poor emotional competence and self-regulation have difficulties when transitioning to school, and are more likely to experience peer rejection, have behavioural problems and be at risk for low academic achievement (Cohen et al., 2005; Denham, 1986; McClelland et al., 2006). Through years of observational studies and empirical research, Murray, Rosanbalm and Christopoulos (2016) have identified how skilled parents are able to soothe their infants when they are emotionally distressed. They call this ‘co-regulating’. By interacting with them in a warm, responsive way, the parent or caregiver helps the infant to switch their attention away from the stressor and engage with something else that serves as a resource for comfort. Soon, the infant learns to self-soothe. For example, if a baby cries when their mother leaves to go shopping, their father might hold the child and play some soothing music to calm them down. Soon, the child will learn to calm down by themselves when they hear that music. As the child gets older (age 1 to 3) and begins to understand more, parents can teach the child to calm down by sitting with them and modelling calm behaviour. This is called ‘mood mirroring’. Parents can talk calmly to children and teach them about

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rules and consequences. Children are receptive when an adult responds to them with a warm and affective tone, tempo of speech, touch, and eye gaze. But parents must also be patient and firm about delaying gratification, and be consistent in responding to tantrums by staying calm and waiting out the tantrum—for example, ignoring the tantrum, not making eye contact with the child and continuing to do whatever they are doing instead, and then, when the tantrum is over, acknowledging the child’s strong feelings and teaching them a more appropriate way to behave. At the same time, they can teach about rules and priorities, and how to regulate strong emotions. Parenting styles also affect our children’s behavioural and emotional development. In a series of studies, Baumrind (1971) showed that different parenting styles have different impacts on our children’s social-emotional development. The four parenting styles described by Baumrind include: 1.

2.

3.

4.

Authoritarian parenting: These parents use strict disciplinary measures—fear and punishment—to deal with children’s behaviour. Communication is mostly one-way, from parent to child. Parents do not bother to understand the challenges their children are facing. Expectations placed on children are high, and there is little negotiation. Children with these parents are at a higher risk of developing low self-esteem, becoming angry and aggressive, and developing anxiety disorders later in life. Authoritative parenting: Authoritative parenting is very different from authoritarian parenting. Authoritative parents set rules and boundaries, and they explain to their children the reasons behind the rules. They also take the children’s feelings into consideration, even when they fail to follow the rules. These parents also put in a lot of time and effort to develop affectionate connections with their children and help them to develop self-discipline and self-esteem. Children raised by authoritative parents are more likely to grow up to be confident and responsible adults, who are willing to express their feelings and opinions. They are also more likely to make good decisions and become positive parents themselves. Permissive parenting: These parents sometimes overprotect their children because they are too accommodating. They set rules but do not enforce them, let their children get away with mischief and do not teach them about consequences. They are more likely to be manipulated by their children, and to fail to teach them about poor choices. Some children with permissive parents may struggle academically and exhibit more behavioural problems, developing a ‘couldn’t care less’ attitude towards authority, rules and regulations. Others may develop health issues such as obesity or addictions later on in life because they have been taught poor health choices and decision-making. Uninvolved parenting: In today’s demanding world, many parents struggle to balance the demands of and parenting. This is especially true for single parents. Uninvolved parents are those who spend little time with their children, whether by their own choice or because of circumstances beyond their control. Intentionally or unintentionally, they neglect their children’s basic needs. Some children with uninvolved parents learn to be resilient and look after themselves and even

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their younger siblings. However, others can feel unloved and abandoned. They may do poorly at school, have low social and emotional skills, and be generally withdrawn and unhappy. Most of us learn parenting skills by mirroring how our parents treated us. Some of us learn from our siblings and friends, while others do so via trial and error—a somewhat ‘on-the-job’ form of training. Today’s parents are luckier. There are lots of books, videos and websites available to help parents cope with the challenges they will meet in their journey of parenthood. In many places, there are also parent support groups available to help young parents share their experiences and parenting strategies. Pre-parenting workshops are one of the best ways for soon-to-be parents to prepare for successful parenthood.

6.5 Childhood Trauma and Parenting We live in a very complex world. A recent report in Pediatrics journal noted that over half of all children globally (1 billion children aged 2–17) experience violence or some form of trauma every year. In the years between 2015 and 2016, at least 64% of children in Asia, 56% in North America, 50% in Africa, 34% in Latin America, and 12% in Europe suffered traumatising experiences (Hillis et al., 2016). These traumatic experiences include: physical or sexual abuse; psychological abuse and neglect; kidnapping and child-trafficking; family or community violence; natural disasters; terrorism; refugee or war experiences; separation from parents due to divorce, incarceration or addiction; and the loss of parent/s to death. Being caught up in, or witnessing, a violent and traumatic event can have a tremendous impact on a child’s physical, psychological and emotional wellbeing, including delays in the development of cognition, language and learning, and a positive self-identity. These experiences can affect children for a long time if they are not given professional help. Children who lose their families are frequently placed in institutions such as orphanages, or in foster homes, but although they are removed from the unsafe environment where their suffering occurred, these children do not necessarily receive the nurturing and care that they need from their natural parents or caregivers. Unresolved trauma can impact on their mental health, causing post-traumatic stress disorder or PTSD. Symptoms of PTSD include disturbed sleeping patters and nightmares, intrusive thoughts or images, flashbacks to painful and frightful experiences, intense distress at real or symbolic reminders of trauma, panic attacks, irritability, anxiety, aggressiveness and anger, mood swings and being easily startled (Pico-Alfonso et al., 2006). Traumatised children are at higher risk of developing low self-worth, a persistent sense of guilt and shame, and self-doubt. They may be ridden with negative beliefs and thoughts such as ‘I am a bad person because I was abused’, or ‘I am cursed, nothing good will happen to me’, or ‘I will always be a bad person and nothing will change that’ (Berntsen & Rubin, 2007). As a result of their separation from their

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parents, these children tend to develop disorganised attachment styles, which will affect their own parenting experiences later on in life. In other words, early life trauma and adversity also makes it much harder for such individuals to be responsive parents and to develop a healthy attachment with their children. Studies also show that pregnant women with depression or PTSD are at higher risk for slowed foetal growth, premature birth, and low infant birth weight (Muzik & Borovska, 2010). Similarly, children born to mothers with PTSD tend to show greater physical, behavioural and psychological challenges, and more developmental delays (Deave et al., 2008). Parenting through a lens of trauma affects both the quality of parent–child attachment and the development of the children. Studies on the association between childhood trauma and parenting difficulties in later life shows that parents who have lived through childhood traumatic experiences tend to show reduced affection, empathy and consistency in their parenting styles (Tarczon, 2012). They tend to be more permissive and have difficulties setting boundaries, as they equate this with asserting power over their children (DiLillo & Damasheck, 2003). However, some may go in the opposite direction and become too harsh on their children, because they have difficulty regulating their own emotions to cope with their children’s demands (Banyard et al., 2003), and resort to punitive measures as a form of discipline, as this is what they have learnt from their own childhoods (Barrett, 2009). In addition, studies of mothers who experienced sexual abuse as children found that they can become emotionally dependent on their children and see them as a source of comfort, and can also have difficulty forming physically intimate bonds with their babies. For example, one mother stated, ‘It always amazed me that how a beautiful experience like breastfeeding could be, yet, for me, it is such a trauma’ (Wood & Esterik, 2010, p. 138). Fathers who experienced sexual abuse as children, in contrast, tend to be physically and emotionally distant from their children out of fear of becoming abusive parents themselves (Wark & Vis, 2016). Some, still living under the shadow of their childhood trauma, fear that they will hurt their children in the same way. One father explained, ‘It would cross my mind sometimes with diapering them, I never touched them or anything like that, but just, it would cross my mind as far as that’ (O’DoughertyWright et al., 2012, p. 544). Another said, ‘He’s got a lot of rage, that’s why I worry about my son… I don’t want him to be a violent person’ (Kistin et al., 2014, p. 195). Some parents who were orphaned young feel that they have no models to copy from, and strongly doubt their ability to be effective parents, saying ‘How could I possibly be a good mom? I don’t know anything about parenting. I’d never seen it’ (Hall, 2011, p. 33), or ‘I hardly ever feel that I am good enough, I am so preoccupied with everything that I do wrong’ (Tedgård et al., 2018, p. 7). Some are intensely wary of forming emotional attachments with their children, for fear of rejection or because of a lack of experience of being loved: ‘I have a tough time being affectionate with them, showing them the love they deserve. I couldn’t really form a real close bond because there is a child in me that I believe I haven’t accepted’ (Cavanaugh et al., 2015, p. 513). Some, in contrast, become so unhealthily attached to their children that they experience separation anxiety when their children

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go to school: ‘I have never been away from my children… no, no, I will die… I can hardly breathe if I even think about it’ (Tedgård et al., 2018, p. 7). Fortunately, there are also many happy stories in the literature about victims of childhood traumas who have become parents. For some, parenthood is blissful, the beginning of a new and happier life—for example, as one young mother said, ‘These children show me unconditional love, and I didn’t know that before’ (Cavanaugh et al., 2015, p. 512). Another said, ‘Everything changed, everything was so different… The world looks better to me, it made a little more sense … I know why I am here, I need to be a mom’ (Aparicio et al., 2015, p. 51). For some, parenthood is a healing process that helps them find peace: ‘There is an internal peace that I can actually achieve at times now, which is lovely. I think I’m also willing to accept a deeper sense of satisfaction in being a parent’ (O’Dougherty-Wright et al., 2012, p. 547). Many people who have lived through traumatising childhoods need help and support, especially when they become parents (Muzik & Borovska, 2010). However, many have no one to turn to for support, because they do not have family members or friends. Some are wary of judgement from others, while others have experienced unhelpful therapies or interventions in the past. Some are also fearful that unhelpful professionals will see them as unfit parents and take their children away (Hall, 2011). Studies have found that interventions that only address their parenting skills without addressing their mental health needs and histories of trauma are unhelpful (Reyno & McGrath, 2006). There are programs available to help such at-risk mothers in the USA, which incorporate treatment for anxiety, depression and trauma-related stress, as well as support in developing parenting support skills. These programs are usually longterm and include home visitations. Some examples include the CHILD first program (Lowell et al., 2011), and child-parent-psychotherapy (Lieberman, 2004). One of the more prominent programs is the Mom Power program, run by Michigan University (Muzik et al., 2015). This program incorporates both group and individual sessions, and includes an attachment-based parenting education program, reflective consultation, and psychotherapy. Participants in the program are taught how to seek out and enhance peer and social support, and how to seek and accept support. They are helped to feel comfortable socialising and sharing their parenting experiences and problems with others. Mothers involved in the program are also shown how to develop responsiveness with their infants, and taught about the importance of parent– child attachment. Program facilitators help them to identify and address children’s emotional needs at different stages of development, and use a balanced approach to help children regulate their emotions and learn self-discipline. Finally, there is also a self-care component that teaches mothers how to reduce their own stress and be ‘in the moment’ when they are bonding with their children. Participants in the Mom Power program are given a self-care toolkit which helps them to learn to relax, feel safe, and develop positive thoughts and ways to cope with different sources of stress. And there are ‘hands-on’ sessions to practise skills and individual coaching to cater for individual needs (Muzik et al., 2015). Parenting education and family support like this should be a major component in public policies worldwide to prevent child abuse and protect children’s wellbeing.

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More needs to be done in this era of society complexity and global chaos. Community groups need to play a part, and parents should also voice their desire for governments to provide the kind of support that will help them become responsible and loving parents who can keep their children safe, nurtured and thriving.

6.6 Getting in Touch with Our Inner Child Sigmund Freud, the Austrian neurologist and psychologist who developed the psychoanalytical approach to understanding people with psychological and mental issues in the 1900s (Freud & Rank, 2012), proposed that the psyche comprised three parts: Id, Ego and Super-ego. The Id is the unconscious, impulsive, childlike part of our mind; the Ego is the conscious part; and the Super-ego is the moral conscience, which curbs our self-indulgence and keeps us from making mindless decisions. Building on this theory, the German psychiatrist and psychoanalyst Carl Jung focused on the Id and developed his concept of ‘the Divine Child’ (Jung & Kerenyi, 1963/1949). This Divine Child is part of our psyche—the unconscious part of us that is the source of our enthusiasm for life and the foundation of our sense of wellbeing, joy, peace and zest for adventure. It represents hope, transformations and new beginnings. It also serves as a connection between our conscious and unconscious minds. Successive scholars in the psychoanalysis school have further developed Jung’s concept of the Divine Child. The theory of the inner child, described by Firman and Russel (1994), is a phenomenon of our life journey that includes our past, hidden lived experiences—those that we are unconscious of. Some of these experiences might have been harmful to us, such as childhood abuse, neglect or abandonment. When these hurts are suppressed, they can lead to unconscious self-sabotaging behaviour or mental health issues in adulthood. Kohut (1984) described the inner child as a connection to the strains and pains of our lives not being acknowledged. Stern (1985) states that the inner child can be considered the inner core of a person, which we carry through our lifespan, including both strengths and weaknesses. Cullberg-Weston (2009) explains that when we develop an understanding of how our childhoods contribute to our adult lives, we are able to create happier and healthier lives for ourselves. And Siegel (2015) maintains that people need to be seen, heard, and understood by other people, and when this need is not recognised in childhood, it is harder to establish the interpersonal connections and sense of belonging that are essential to our mental and social wellbeing. Childhood trauma and the absence of a sense of acceptance leave scars. This hurt inner child does not go away unless we recognise it and heal it. While some of us have an inner child that is angry, insecure, vulnerable, or riddled with guilt or shame, others have an inner child that never grows up. This means that when an adult is stressed or hurt, they tend to resort to childhood behaviours like throwing tantrums, crying, sulking and sneering. Some may crave attention and appear overly emotionally needy. Others, especially those who did not grow up with

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loving parents or have many play opportunities when young, and so never got to experience the joy of play and fun, may not know how to have fun. As adults, they can become very serious, lack a sense of humour, and be critical of those who are playful and spirited. Psychologists and therapists working on inner-child healing propose that in addition to an inner child, we all have an inner adult who is the same chronological age that we are. This is the ‘inner voice’ that we sometimes hear when we are experiencing challenges or self-doubt, saying ‘You can do it, give it a go, don’t be scared’, or ‘Don’t do it, you will make a fool of yourself!’. In the last three decades, some therapists have contributed further to theory on healing the inner child. For example, Whitfield (1987) discovered through working with his patients that childhood deprivation of love and recognition haunts us in our adulthood, and that it is important to identify these hidden hurts in order to address the issue as an adult, and leave that hurt child behind in order to a new life of hope and positive advancement. Capacchione (1991) shared her experience of helping her patients to heal their inner child through art therapy and journaling. She argued that we can become our own ‘inner-parent’ in order to nurture the needy part of our inner child and set it free. Parks (1994) provided strategies to help other therapists and professional practitioners ‘rescue the inner child’. Finally, Paul (1992) indicates that adults who grew up with a wounded inner child live with ongoing inner conflicts, and that it is important for these individuals to become their own inner-parent and develop a bond with the hurt inner child. By nurturing and addressing these childhood wounds, the individual can learn to reduce negative and destructive feelings of shame, powerlessness, addiction, lack of self-worth and withdrawal from relationships. Here is a summary of Paul’s six-step approach to creating inner bonding (1992): 1. 2. 3.

4.

5.

6.

Be willing to feel pain, to make a conscious decision to change, and to take responsibility for your feelings. Move into the intent to learn. In order to build a genuine inner bond with yourself, you must embrace all feelings uncovered and not try to avoid or protect yourself. Dialogue with your wounded self and core self. By making dialogues (guided by your therapist) with yourself, you can identify the roots of fear, pain, guilt or shame and release the suppressed anger and pain stored in the wounded self. Then explore with the core self what would bring joy and happiness. Dialogue with your higher guidance. This refers to your spirituality (which is not necessarily related to religion or faiths). By throwing questions out into the open and allowing answers to come to you naturally, through art, music, words, you may be inspired to resolve some problems of the past. Take loving action. Learn to develop gratitude for all that you have and be thankful for the opportunity to learn, the people who support you, and the materials and assets that you have. Evaluate your action. By going through the previous steps over and over, you will discover whether healing has occurred and discover the truth and actions

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that bring a sense of peace. When this happens, you know you have established an inner bond with yourself. EI involves self-awareness. Having an awareness of how our childhood impacts our present self is vital for our mental and social health. Today, the use of inner child therapy is common in helping individuals to address their mental health and relationship issues and develop their EI.

6.7 Parenting and EI To be emotionally intelligent parents, we must first understand our own emotions, feelings and moods. We must be honest in how we express our emotions and understand that the way we do so affects our children. When we pay attention to our communication styles and habits, we can begin to realise how our use of language, word choice and tone of voice carry positive or negative messages to our children. Likewise, by understanding how our childhood attachment styles affect our behaviour and connections to our family members, we can work to improve our responsiveness to our children and form healthy connections with them. Knowing about the different aspects of child development will keep us informed of our children’s needs at different ages. We can also identify the unmet childhood needs that prevent us from being more loving and nurturing parents. It is never too late to make changes and repair broken relationships with our children, our parents, and other family members. Empathy is key to any relationship. When we truly understand what empathy means, we can be more open-minded, non-judgemental and accepting of the generational differences between us, our children and our parents. Using empathy and compassion as our core guides, we can learn to adjust our parenting styles to meet the developmental and emotional needs of our children, and help them to develop empathy and compassion too. Parents who had difficult childhoods themselves may need professional help to heal. They must be honest about their emotional struggles and identify their underlying causes. Learning to both seek and accept help is a challenge in itself—we live in a hostile world, and many people are selfish and judgemental, and hold distorted views of others who are different from them. For that reason, we need to voice support for a more compassionate government that cares more about its people than profits and economic growth. We need communities to come together to help those in need and give them support. And we need more people to study sociology and psychology to gain the professional knowledge and skills needed to help our fellow citizens! Parenting is both a bliss and a challenge. There is no such thing as the perfect parent. We are all both good parents and bad parents at different times, and we can only do our best. I hope that this chapter has inspired more parents to become aware of their strengths, needed strengths, and limitations, and to take actions to improve their parenting skills and enjoy parenthood.

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Hillis, S., Mercy, J., Amobi, A., & Kress, H. (2016). Global prevalence of past-year violence against children: A systematic review and minimum estimates. Pediatrics, 137(3), e20154079. https:// doi.org/10.1542/peds.2015-4079 Jung, C. G., & Kerényi, K. (1963). Essays on a science of mythology: The myth of the divine child and the mysteries of Eleusis (Rev). Princeton University Press. Kamkar, K., Doyle, A.-B., & Markiewicz, D. (2012). Insecure attachment to parents and depressive symptoms in early adolescence: Mediating roles of attributions and self-esteem. International Journal of Psychological Studies, 4 (2). https://doi.org/10.5539/ijps.v4n2p3 Kistin, C. J., Radesky, J., Diaz-Linhart, Y., Thompson, M. C., O’Connor, E., & Silverstein, M. (2014). A qualitative study of parenting stress, coping and discipline approaches among lowincome traumatized mothers. Journal of Developmental and Behavioural Pediatrics, 35(3), 189– 196. https://doi.org/10.1097/dbp.0000000000000032 Kohut, H. (1984). How does analysis cure? (A. Goldberg & P. Stepansky, Eds.). University of Chicago Press. Laible, D. J., Carlo, G., & Roesch, S. C. (2004). Pathways to self-esteem in late adolescence: The role of parent and peer attachment, empathy, and social behaviours. Journal of Adolescence, 27(6), 703–716. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.adolescence.2004.05.005 Lieberman, A. F. (2004). Child-parent psychotherapy: A relationship-based approach to the treatment of mental health disorders in infancy and early childhood. In A. J. Sameroff, S. C. McDonough, & K. L. Rosenblum (Eds.), Treating parent-infant relationship problems: Strategies for intervention (pp. 97–122). Guilford Press. Lowell, D., Carter, A., Godoy, L., Paulicin, B., & Briggs-Gowan, M. (2011). A randomized controlled trial of child First A comprehensive home-based intervention translating research into early childhood practice. Child Development, 82(1), 193–208. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.14678624.2010.01550.x Main, M., & Solomon, J. (1986). Discovery of an insecure-disorganized/disoriented attachment pattern: Procedures, findings and implications for the classification of behavior. In T. B. Brazelton & M. W. Yogman (Eds.), Affective Development in Infancy (pp. 95–124). Ablex. McClelland, M., Acock, A., & Morrison, F. (2006). The impact of kindergarten learning-related skills on academic trajectories at the end of elementary school. Early Childhood Research Quarterly, 21(4), 471–490. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.ecresq.2006.09.003 Moullin, S., Waldfogel, J., & Washbrook, E. (2014). Baby bonds: Parenting, attachment and a secure base for children. The Sutton Trust. Murray, D. W., Rosanbalm, K., & Christopoulos, C. (2016). Self-regulation and toxic stress report 3: A comprehensive review of self-regulation interventions from birth through young adulthood. Office of Planning, Research and Evaluation, Administration of Children and Families, U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. Muzik, M., & Borovska, S. (2010). Perinatal depression: Implications for child mental health. Mental Health in Family Medicine, 7(4), 239–247. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/224 77948 Muzik, M., Rosenblum, K. L., Alfafara, E. A., Schuster, M. M., Miller, N. M., Waddell, R. M., et al. (2015). Mom power: Preliminary outcomes of a group intervention to improve mental health and parenting among high-risk mothers. Archives of Women’s Mental Health, 18(3), 507–521. https:// doi.org/10.1007/s00737-014-0490-z O’Dougherty-Wright, M., Fopma-Loy, J., & Oberle, K. (2012). In their own words: The experience of mothering as a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. Development and Psychopathology, 24(2), 537–552. https://doi.org/10.1017/s0954579412000144 Parker, J. S., & Benson, M. J. (2004). Parent-adolescent relations and adolescent functioning: Self-esteem, substance abuse, and delinquency. Adolescence, 39(155), 519–530. Paul, M. (1992). Inner bonding: Becoming a loving adult to your inner child. Harper Collins. Parks, P. (1994). Rescuing the inner child: Therapy for adult sexually abused as children. Souvenir Press. Piaget, J. (1929). The child’s conception of the world. Routledge and Kegan Paul.

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Pico-Alfonso, M. A., Garcia-Linares, M. I., Celda-Navarro, N., Herbert, J., & Martinez, M. (2006). Changes in cortisol and dehydroepiandrosterone in women victims of physical and psychological intimate partner violence. Biological Psychiatry, 56(4), 233–240. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.bio psych.2004.06.001 Reyno, S. M., & McGrath, P. J. (2006). Predictors of parent training efficacy for child externalizing behavior problems—A meta-analytic review. Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry, 47(1), 99–111. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1469-7610.2005.01544.x Sable, P. (2008). What is adult attachment? Clinical Social Work Journal, 36(1), 21–30. https://doi. org/10.1007/s10615-007-0110-8 Schaeffer, H. R., & Emerson, P. E. (1964). The development of social attachments in infancy. Monographs of the Society for Research in Child Development, 29(3), 1–77. https://doi.org/10. 2307/1165727 Schimmenti, A., Passanisi, A., Pace, U., Manzella, S., Di Carlo, G., & Caretti, V. (2014). The relationship between attachment and psychopathy: A study with a sample of violent offenders. Current Psychology, 33(3), 256–270. https://doi.org/10.1007/s12144-014-9211-z Schore, J. R., & Schore, A. N. (2008). Modern attachment theory: The central role of affect regulation in development and treatment. Clinical Social Work Journal, 36(1), 9–20. https://doi.org/10.1007/ s10615-007-0111-7 Shi, L. (2003). The association between adult attachment styles and conflict resolution in romantic relationships. The American Journal of Family Therapy, 31(3), 143–157. https://doi.org/10.1080/ 01926180301120 Siegel, D. J. (2015). Interpersonal neurobiology as a lens into the development of wellbeing and resilience. Children Australia, 40(2), 160–164. https://doi.org/10.1017/cha.2015.7 Siegel, D. J & Bryson, T. 2014. Time-outs are hurting your child. http://time.com/3404701/discip line-time-out-is-not-good/ Skinner, B. F. (1963). Operant behavior. American Psychologist, 18(8), 503–515. https://doi.org/ 10.1037/h0045185) Stern, D. N. (1985). The interpersonal world of the infant: A view from psychoanalysis and developmental psychology. Basic Books. Tarczon, C. (2012). Mothers with a history of childhood sexual abuse: Key issues for child protection practice and policy (ACSSA Research Summary). Australian Centre for the Study of Sexual Assault, Australian Institute of Family Studies. Tedgård, E., Råstam, M., & Wirtberg, I. (2018). Struggling with one’s own parenting after an upbringing with substance abusing parents. International Journal of Qualitative Studies on Health and Well-Being, 13(1), 1–15. https://doi.org/10.1080/17482631.2018.1435100 Wark, J., & Vis, J. (2016). Effects of child sexual abuse on the parenting of male survivors. Trauma, Violence & Abuse, 19(5), 499–511. https://doi.org/10.1177/1524838016673600 Watson, J. B. (1928). Psychological care of infant and child. W.W. Norton. Whitfield, C. L. (1987). Healing the child within: Discovery and recovery for adult children of dysfunctional families. Health Communications. Wood, K., & Esterik, P. V. (2010). Infant feeding experiences of women who were sexually abused in childhood. Canadian Family Physician, 56(4), e136–e141. Woodin, E. M. (2011). A two-dimensional approach to relationship conflict: Meta-analytic findings. Journal of Family Psychology, 25(3), 325–335. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0023791

Chapter 7

Sibling Relationships and EI

7.1 Introduction Sibling relationships are the most enduring relationships in our lives. We share our family genes, our family names and heritage, and large parts of our life histories with our siblings—especially our childhoods. We are in each other’s stories of good times and challenges. We share and fight for our parents’ love and attention, compete for praise, glory, and achievement, and help one another to weather tough times. There are consistent findings in the literature that sibling relationships impact childhood development, including cognitive, psychosocial, behavioural, language and interpersonal skills. Elements such as age, gender, age spacing, parenting styles and family context all contribute to the quality of sibling relationships. This chapter discusses how sibling relationships impact the different stages of our lives, explains the intricate positives and negatives of sibling rivalry and the significance of sibling support in different family contexts, and how parents can influence the quality of sibling relationships. It will help readers to acknowledge and manage their feelings about their relationships with their siblings, and develop increased EI so that they can enhance, rebuild, and consolidate supportive relationships with them.

7.2 Sibling Relationships and Our Psychosocial Development Not everyone is blessed with a sibling, but a majority of us grow up with at least one brother or sister. In the USA, nearly 80% of youngsters below the age of 18 live with at least one sibling (USCB, 2019). Having a sibling certainly does spice up our lives! Sibling relations are defined by intimacy, strong, uninhibited emotions, intimate knowledge of one another, and a huge range of personality differences. Siblings know how to push our buttons, but they also know how to come to our © The Author(s), under exclusive license to Springer Nature Singapore Pte Ltd. 2022 M. Gonzales, Emotional Intelligence for Students, Parents, Teachers and School Leaders, https://doi.org/10.1007/978-981-19-0324-3_7

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defence, to love and protect us, and make us feel better when we are hurt. They are our first friends and playmates, with whom we learn to share, to fight and to forgive. As early peers, siblings play an exceptional role in our lives, presenting continuous opportunities for social interaction. Sibling relationships are thus instrumental in the development of social skills throughout our childhood and early adolescence. Sociology research has shown that sibling interaction enhances the opportunity to develop social skills and perspective taking—that is, understanding another’s thoughts and feelings (Perner et al., 1994; Whiteman et al., 2016). Due to affectionate bonding, younger siblings tend to look up to their older siblings as role models, which has an influential impact on their social and behavioural development. Older siblings also learn from their younger siblings through observation and routine interactions (Brody, 1985). Interactions with older siblings promotes children’s language and cognitive development, as well as their understanding of others’ emotions. Studies of child development illustrate that while children with siblings are more verbally expressive, children with no siblings appear to be more self-centred, have a lower level of behavioural and social skills, and are less cooperative compared to those who have siblings. Siblings provide one another with reciprocal development opportunities through routine and ongoing interaction, and have a powerful influence on each other’s social-emotional development (Azmitia & Hesser, 1993; Cameron et al., 2013; McHale et al., 2012). Children learn from their siblings how to communicate with other children and form friendships, cooperate with peers, initiate play, give compliments and interact with others, giving them a repertoire of social skills. These interactions boost their self-esteem and social confidence, which also affects their academic achievement. As children enter kindergarten and primary school, their social interactions become more complex. Having an older sibling at school helps the younger one to adjust and adapt to the new environment more easily (Berk, 2008; Bolnick, 2008; Downey et al., 2015). Evidence over the last two decades has shown that sibling support also improves academic achievement in childhood. Children who receive intimacy and warmth from their sibling/s are more likely to cherish their support and appreciate their advice, which leads to increased motivation to learn and achieve at school (Alfaro et al., 2009). Students who took part in a study by Milevsky and Levitt (2005) reported that they valued their siblings’ support in making academic adjustments, helping with their homework and studies, helping them feel better when things bothered them, and spending time together and doing fun things together. In sports, studies have found that younger siblings look upon their older siblings as role models, and sometimes as rivals, and tend to outperform their older siblings (Whiteman et al., 2016). Highquality positive sibling relationships characterised by warmth, closeness and trust have been shown to have a positive impact on children’s psychological adjustment and social competence (Buist et al., 2013; Dirks et al., 2015). Siblings look to one another for mutual support in times of stress—especially family stress when inter-parental conflicts are frequent. Studies have found that having positive sibling relationships helps children who are frequently exposed to parental disharmony to buffer each other from stressful family conflicts and minimise

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symptoms of anxiety and reduce emotional and behavioural problems, compared to children without positive sibling relationships. It reduces signs of insecurity and lowers levels of emotional reactivity and anxiety (Bush & Ehrenberg, 2003; Hank & Steinbach, 2018). On the flip side of the coin, however, younger siblings can also use older siblings as role models when it comes to risky behaviours such as smoking and alcohol consumption (Whiteman et al., 2016). And as children grow into adolescents, sibling relationships may change. An older sibling who was once a role model for healthy social development may backflip into an antisocial influence. Many studies have documented how younger siblings can follow a brother or sister’s choice of behaviour across many domains, from smoking, drinking and risky sexual behaviour to substance abuse and other antisocial conduct (Craine et al., 2009; Fagan & Najman, 2005; Kim et al., 2007; McHale et al., 2009).

7.2.1 Sibling Relationships in Childhood and Adolescence Siblings are a fundamental part of most children’s social worlds during childhood. In one study, McHale and Crouter (1996) found that children still spent over 30% of their time with their siblings in their mid-childhood, compared to 23% with their mothers, 19% with their fathers, 13% with friends and 12% alone, showing that sibling interaction is still the most valued of all interactions at that point. However, as children grow into adolescents, sibling relationships undergo some degree of developmental transformation. Their need to develop their own identity and independence steers them to become less emotionally engaged with their parents and siblings, and more involved in the wider social world of friends and romantic partners. A decline in both positive and negative interactions between siblings is observed in many cases, and this includes intensity of sibling conflicts, quarrels, competition and issues of power and status (Tucker et al., 2003). In many cases, siblings who were regarded as friends and playmates in early childhood swiftly become peers with whom young teens can share secrets and personal information that they do not want to share with their parents. Many adolescents come to value their siblings as peers they can rely on and trust to help them deal with problems, and prefer to seek their sibling’s advice rather than their parents’ over personal matters (Lempers & Clark-Lempers, 1992). No sibling relationship is either totally positive or totally negative, blazingly problem-ridden or brilliantly conflict-free. Nonetheless, perceptions of parental favouritism, unfair treatment of different children and parental rejection can be linked to aggressive behaviour and negative sibling relationships, which increase from childhood to adolescence. Aggressive, conflict-driven sibling relationships, if not handled properly, can lead to antisocial behaviour and personal adjustment problems, and even mental health issues during adolescence (Golombok, 2000). However, some scholars argue that a degree of sibling conflict during adolescence can also help individuals develop conflict management skills, learn to adopt different viewpoints and learn to respect and accept differences. They believe that dealing with sibling

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conflict helps to facilitate a deeper understanding of the self and others, and is an integral part of identity formation and the development of social maturity (Solmeyer et al., 2014; Van Volkom, 2006). Older siblings can be a unique source of explicit imitation, vicarious learning and reinforcement for a range of behaviours both good and bad. Admiration for older siblings can sometimes lead a younger sibling down a less ideal path to harmful behaviours such as drug use, alcohol consumption, vandalism, theft, and other misdemeanours. However, some empirical studies found that family characteristics are also likely to influence siblings’ choices of antisocial behaviour and delinquency. Family characteristics such as disharmony and aggression, parental violence, parent–child hostility and negative communication styles, family mental health issues, parental criminality and family financial status all contribute to siblings engaging in negative choices and antisocial behaviour (Craine et al., 2009; Fagan & Najman, 2005; Hank & Steinbach, 2018; Kim et al., 2007).

7.3 Family Dynamics and Sibling Relationships Parental input in establishing positive and healthy sibling relationships will provide benefits for a lifetime, as early relationship conflict is associated with poor developmental outcomes psychologically, mentally and socially. Today, with changing family structures, not all children live in a ‘traditional’ family unit with their birth parents. Some may live with step-parents, some with foster parents, single parents, same-sex parents, or grandparents. Instead of, or in addition to, birth siblings, some may also have half siblings, step-siblings, or foster siblings. No matter what types of sibling relationships they have, however, quality bonding and connections will enhance the wellbeing of all members of the family. Unfortunate life events such as divorce, family trauma, sudden job loss or deaths happen sometimes. These changes to parent–child relationships are also associated with changes in sibling relationships. Often, siblings turn to one another for support when family circumstances are difficult, but parents who are able to maintain quality parent–child relationships with their own children and with children after such life events, including in new marital relationships or partnerships (which is often a huge challenge in itself) can help the whole family to adjust to its new structure and build a supportive unit.

7.3.1 Family Context Family structures have undergone substantial changes in the last few decades. There is no longer a ‘standard family’, as the concept of ‘family’ has become more fluid. And research informs us that despite changes to their family lives, many children

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of divorced parents, for example, quickly adjust to their new family without experiencing a great deal of psychological harm (O’Connor et al., 2000). Indeed, some actually benefit from new family arrangements because of reduced parental conflict or exposure to abusive acts by the adults in their lives. It has also been noted that children with close sibling relationships adjust more easily to new family arrangements than those who do not get along with their siblings (Dunn, 2004; Emery, 1999). While there is evidence that much of the stress and agony encountered by children during parent separation and divorce decline as time passes, however, there are also some studies that report some of these effects persisting into adulthood (Kennedy et al., 2008).

7.3.2 Birth Order and Sibling Relationships Psychologists believe that the birth order of children in a family has an impact both on them individually and on their sibling relationships (Dunn, 2004; Emery, 1999). The birth order theory developed by Alfred Adler (1956) states that the order in which a child is born affects their personality development. Adler (1956) also claims that every individual has a self-perceived place in the family related to the order of their birth. A firstborn child is usually raised with immense affection and a mixture of instinct and lots of trial and error. Parents are likely to view their firstborn as a role model for younger siblings, and they are given both more responsibilities, and at the same time more privileges. Firstborns tend to identify closely with their parents, and to mirror their parents’ beliefs and attitudes. Many choose to spend more of their time with adults, and are considered reliable, conscientious, cautious, structured and highachieving due to parental expectations. Some can also be controlling and powerseeking, as they like to be seen as the leader of the pack. Middle siblings (second-born, third-born, etc.) tend to think that they have to work hard to gain parental attention, as this always seems to go to the firstborn and/or younger siblings instead. As a result, they are either more agreeable or more rebellious. The former know how to negotiate, be diplomatic and compromise, and the latter may try to gain attention through misbehaviour such as temper tantrums or getting into trouble. Middle children often appear to be more independent and selfreliant than their siblings. They learn how to handle disappointment and develop resilience. Many of them turn to other family members (e.g., grandparents) for attention and affection, and gravitate towards friends and peers for support. Middle children who do not receive sufficient parental attention may grow up with an inferiority complex and a need to grab the attention of those in their social world. Youngest children are often seen by their siblings as pampered and sometimes even spoilt. Having had the experience of raising two or three children, parents often allow their youngest child more freedom to be who they are without the pressure of expectations. This is why the youngest child in a family tends to be more carefree, easygoing, sociable and fun-loving than their older siblings. They may also appear

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smarter, as they learn from their older siblings and can avoid repeating their mistakes. On the flip side, the youngest may sometimes be bullied by older siblings, and they may not get as much attention from their parents as their older siblings. Many youngest-born siblings feel that their opinions are not valued in the family. While many subscribe to the belief that birth order affects personality development and sibling relationships, some contemporary scholars have contested this belief (Healey & Ellis, 2007; Rodgers et al., 2000). Naturally, human development is influenced by a complex of factors including relationship dynamics, interactions, and environmental, cultural, and family contextual factors. However, when we are aware of how the concept of birth order affects our behaviour as siblings or as parents, we can be more mindful of the way we communicate, share and give support to both our own siblings and our children, to ensure that they receive the emotional support and parental nurturing they need.

7.3.3 Parental Emotional Maturity and Its Impact on Sibling Relationships It is well documented that families headed by emotionally balanced parents are able to provide their children with strong family bonds, a comforting sense of belonging and security, good communication skills and healthy connections to others outside the family. On the other hand, parents with low EI, and especially those who are selfcentred and emotionally immature, are more likely to neglect the emotional needs of their children, undermine their confidence and self-esteem, and leave them with emotional scars that will continue to hurt them as they grow into adulthood. Parents low on EI also tend to be so preoccupied with their own worries and problems that they are not able to give their children the safety, consistency, and unconditional love they need. As a result, these children may feel unloved, stressed, and anxious, and have low self-esteem (McHale et al., 2009; Mullan & Higgins, 2014). Parents who have grown up in traditional cultures that demand conformity carry this baggage with them as they become parents themselves. They continue this generational placement of unrealistic expectations on children to ‘keep up the family image’ and ‘honour the family name’. This does not mean that they are less loving, but that they love in a way that can be harmful to the emotional and mental development of their children. These parents are usually very controlling and expect obedience, diligence and submission from their children. They expect their children to serve the ideology of the family. Such parents, many of whom are victims themselves of their parents and culture, often unconsciously assign one of the following roles to their children (Alford, 1998; Potter & Williams, 1991): 1.

The Golden Child: The high-achiever, usually in academics, art, music or sport. They are the pride of their parents who enjoy showing off the child’s achievement and talents. When a Golden Child is able to meet their parents’ expectations,

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they are showered with love, praises, material rewards and power over their siblings. However, there is a lot of pressure on the Golden Child because they always have to be perfectly well-behaved and continuously perform to please their parents. These children are more likely to become egotistical individuals themselves and place the same pressure on their own children when they become parents. The Scapegoat: The one who gets the blame most of the time, not only from their parents but also from siblings and other members of the family. A Scapegoat may be a less conforming child who refuses to obey and has a different personality from their siblings, or a rebel who appears to be ‘misbehaving’ all the time, or a ‘failure’ who cannot meet their parents’ demands for high academic performance and other unrealistic goals. They are often blamed and shamed for not meeting family expectations. The Lost Child: The one who is ‘invisible’, especially amongst other siblings in a large family. The parents may be so obsessed with the Golden Child or so busy unloading their guilt and stress on the Scapegoat that the Lost Child gets forgotten and seldom receives any parental support or attention. This child may be introverted and prefer to spend time alone, shying away from family conflict. They may also have difficulties with communication and have a hard time forming relationships. The Caretaker: The one who is most likely to take on responsibility for looking after other siblings and doing house chores with their parents, or assuming a parental role if the parents are too busy (or too selfish) to pay attention to all the children. When there are financial struggles in a family, the Caretaker will often take a part-time job at a young age to help support the family. They are usually a more emotionally mature member of the family, who has a selfless personality and is giving and loving. However, as they grow into adulthood, they may feel resentful at the loss of opportunities to develop themselves, or have difficulty saying ‘no’ to unreasonable demands. The Mascot or Family Clown: The one who lightens the mood when there is tension between family members. They may be physically charming or witty and funny. Their role is to facilitate denial or minimise real problems that the family is not ready to face. The Mascot is skilled at lifting tension during a heated argument; however, these problems may not be solved because of their intervention, and can surface again. The Mascot may have difficulty facing reality and solving emotional problems, and may choose to live in denial when they reach adulthood. The Martyr: The one who knows how to capitalise on other family members’ guilt to get what they want. They are opportunistic and skilled in guilt-tripping others to make them feel that they owe the Martyr for any favour they have done. Martyrs often blame others for their emotional discomforts, physical illnesses, crushed dreams and lost opportunities, even into adulthood.

These descriptions of the different roles children can play in the family to live up to their parents’ expectations are theoretical portrayals based on assumptions made by

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social researchers. Many of us tend to associate ourselves or people we know with character traits we read about, for example in horoscopes or personality tests: “Oh, this would be my sister…that would be my cousin Jill…” But it is much better to look at your family relationships in context and with clarity, and not to try to stereotype yourself, your siblings, or your children using these descriptions and labels. If you are a parent, however, you can use these descriptions to think about what expectations you have of your children and how you treat them, and whether that has the potential to steer them into any of these roles.

7.3.4 Sibling Conflict and Rivalry Sibling conflict exists in nearly every family. Some parents think that sibling rivalry is normal and not a concern. Developmental studies argue that through sibling conflict, children learn to deal with jealousy, envy and competition, and that this is good for their social and emotional growth (Edward, 2013; Fosco et al., 2012). Sibling rivalry can teach children how to share and compromise, solve problems through communication, and develop self-regulation skills which they will carry forward into adulthood. Social scholars also believe that through conflict, children learn about their own and others’ emotional reactions and expressions, and develop emotional regulation skills (Halligan et al., 2014; Solmeyer et al., 2014; Volling, 2012). Sibling rivalry comes in many forms: a toddler rejecting a newborn and showing regressive behaviour to gain attention, a fight over a toy, disagreements over small matters, verbal expressions of anger and jealousy, silent competition for parental and familial recognition, or emotional manipulation such as undermining a sibling by spreading rumours, gossiping about them and excluding them from friendship groups and family activities. However, some studies have found that children engaged in healthy sibling rivalry also often express warmth and love towards their siblings (Buist & Vermande, 2014; Tucker et al., 2013). There is a clear distinction between healthy sibling rivalry and sibling aggression. Finkelhor et al. (2006) state that developmental immaturity and everyday close contact that causes friction are factors contributing to sibling aggression. In childhood, acts of physical aggression such as hitting, slapping, shoving and kicking are a common part of sibling conflict, but without skillful parental mediation and teaching, these aggressive acts can become habitual and turn ugly. Some may even develop into violence and sibling abuse. Victims of such abuse often suffer both immediate and long-term aftereffects linked to physical and mental illness (Button & Gealt, 2010). Sibling aggression in childhood is also associated with later antisocial tendencies such as bullying, substance use and academic problems (Solmeyer et al., 2014). Sadly, in many cultures across the globe, sibling violence and abuse are silently condoned (Eshuys, 2008). These included biting, punching, kicking, and in some extreme cases threatening or attacking with sticks, knives or other sharp objects. Other forms of sibling violence found to be common in some East-Asian countries included physical abuse, sexual abuse, emotional abuse, abandonment and neglect

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(UNHRC, 2009; UNICEF, 2016; Weisner, 1993). Meyers (2017) claimed that sibling violence is the most common type of family violence in the US, and advocated for more attention to provide intervention and family education, and no longer regard it as private family matters. Some scholars have found that differential treatment by parents is one of the key causes of sibling conflict (McHale et al., 2012). Favouritism towards one sibling, not only from parents but from other siblings and members of the extended family, can also cause jealousy and lead to sibling rivalry. Other factors contributing to sibling conflict include negative parent–child relationships, coercive parenting styles, poor parental communication and parent aggression. Through observational learning, children imitate their parents’ behaviour. Children with parents who are constantly involved in marital conflicts have been found to be more aggressive in their interactions with their siblings and other children (Meunier et al., 2012). The quality of sibling relationships depends on both the personal characteristics of different siblings and the different family dynamics around them, such as parentparent relationships, parent–child relationships, child-child relationships, parenting styles, family values and family socioeconomic status. When parents are aware of the indirect influence they can have on their children’s relationships, they can learn skills and strategies that will reduce tension amongst family members and foster a more agreeable family environment. However, there are no silver bullets, as each family is unique and so is every child. Not many of us get taught effective parenting skills. We all learn to deal with our children’s problems based on how we were treated as children. However, EI is about both self-awareness and other-awareness. Therefore, we need to start by understanding ourselves, the ways we communicate and relate to our spouses and our children, the way we solve problems and the way we express ourselves emotionally— to both utilise our strengths and work on our needed strengths—to solve family problems.

7.3.5 Parenting and Managing Sibling Relationships Decades of research on parent–child relationships have proven that parenting styles and parent influence have a significant impact on many different aspects of child development, including sibling relationships (Biglan et al., 2012; Heckman, 2008; Ross & Lazinski, 2014). Children who grow up in a safe, warm, and nurturing environment are more likely to become responsible, caring, and well-balanced socially, psychologically and emotionally. Parents who are more responsive than demanding, are consistent in providing boundaries and are able to help their children develop essential interpersonal and social skills significantly shapes children’s lifelong relationship-building capability (Sanders, 2012). Supportive and democratic parenting is another factor that influences positive and healthy sibling relationships, which are defined by strong bonds, low distress, and fewer sibling conflicts (Gamble & Yu, 2014; Ross & Lazinski, 2014).

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For generations, parents have struggled to find ways to solve the problem of sibling rivalry. Some early studies specified that nearly 70% of parents indicated a need for support in resolving conflictual behaviour among their children, but a majority of them did not see themselves—their parenting and communication styles, or differential treatment of their children—as the cause of the conflict. Still, many researchers recognise that parent-based interventions as the most effective way to help parents manage sibling conflicts, the key being to help them identify the strengths and limitations of their parenting skills (Biglan et al., 2012). Research on sibling relationships and sibling conflicts is still scarce, as many still regard such discords as a normal part of family life (Tucker et al., 2013). However, there are some successful interventions and parent support programs documented in the literature, which have been able to help both children and parents develop communication and problem-solving skills, and encourage positive behaviour. One such programs was the Fun with Brothers and Sisters program (FWSB) developed by Kramer and Radey (1997). This comprised five 40-minute sessions where children were taught social skills, play and friendship skills, perspective-taking, how to deal with angry feelings and how to manage conflict. Positive results were reported, including a decrease in rivalry, fewer problematic sibling behaviours and a reduced power discrepancy between siblings. In 2008, Kennedy and Kramer extended this program and named it the More Fun with Sisters and Brothers Program. This program used a sibling dyad approach rather than a group approach. Siblings attended the sessions as interactive dyads at play under ‘experimental conditions’. Through these simulations of conflict, the children learned to control their negative emotions and refrain from reacting negatively to each other. The results showed a decrease in conflict between the siblings after the intervention. Another success story involved a group intervention named the Siblings Are Special program (SIBS) in Pennsylvania, USA. The program involved parents and children in mid-childhood (Grades 3–5), and provided 12 weeks of afterschool sessions and three Family Nights where children and parents were taught skills and attitudes that would lead to supportive and cooperative sibling relationships. Children were also taught social skills, which helped them to not only develop better relationships with their siblings, but also deal with conflicts with peers and classmates. Parents were also shown appropriate strategies to guide their children in the development of self-control, social competence and academic competence. Pre- and post-intervention assessments showed reductions in maternal depression and children internalising problems, but a reduction of sibling conflict was not observed (Feinberg et al., 2013). In contrast, Ross and Lazinski (2014) taught parents strategies to mediate their children’s conflicts and demonstrated that when parents are given appropriate strategies and guidance, they can reduce sibling conflict, and also create an improvement in their children’s social skills. In addition to giving these parents skills and strategies, successful parental support programs that taught parents to establish a warm, responsive, consistent family environment have significantly shaped the behaviour of both parents and children, resulting in positive outcomes. Rather than taking over and

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reprimanding the children during a conflict, parents were taught to be coaches and help their children develop effective conflict resolution techniques that they would otherwise not have learnt (Sanders, 2012). In Australia, a Positive Parenting Program, also known as the Triple P program, was developed by the University of Queensland as part of a public health approach to parenting support (Sanders, 2012). This comprehensive parenting support system aims to supports infants, toddlers, preschool children, primary school children and teenagers. There are a range of delivery modules targeting different groups with different needs. The program incorporates five levels of intervention: • • • • •

Level 1: Universal messages for all parents. Level 2: Low intensity large group giving brief parenting advice. Level 3: Topic-specific parent discussion groups and individual programs. Level 4: Intensive groups and individual programs with focused parenting skills. Level 5: Intensive family intervention for high-risk or vulnerable parents.

Within these different levels of intervention, parents learn skills and strategies to improve their parenting skills and knowledge through discussion and sharing, and by watching simulations of different challenges. Some of these activities include: • • • • • • • • •

Setting ground rules. Identifying common and specific problem behaviours. Identifying reasons for fighting. Teaching awareness of parent traps and helping parents to identify personal traps they fall into when handling sibling conflicts. Teaching skills to teach children to play and interact cooperatively. Teaching skills to encourage good behaviour. Manage conflict by using directed discussion (i.e., asking the children what they should do and how they can practice doing the right thing). Setting boundaries and giving constructive consequences. Manage aggression (e.g., by using quiet time and time out).

Based on theories of social learning, the Triple P program helps parents to build positive parental skills by using assertive discipline and acting promptly when children misbehave. It shows parents how to set realistic expectations for themselves and their children. Over 290 trials and studies have been conducted by different scholars who have applied the approach in many different cultures and family situations. It is one of the more successful parenting programs aiming to help parents manage sibling rivalry (Sanders, 2012). This section has illustrated that positive parenting is vital to helping children to develop positive, loving relationships. Parents influence sibling relationships by the way they relate to their marital partners and to their children, where they serve as role models. A majority of parents need extra knowledge, skills and support to become effective parents; to date, research on parental support of this kind is still scarce.

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7.4 Sibling Relationships in Unusual Circumstances Parents of children with disability or chronic health condition face tremendous challenges and stress. Siblings of these children, too, experience a wide range of emotions and stressors. The birth of a brother or sister with such additional needs can lead to disrupted attachment to the parents, a change in family roles and an increased amount of stress. Some children may feel jealousy and resentment of the sibling who requires additional care and an inordinate amount of attention from their parents, feeling that it comes at their expense. They may feel neglected because so much of their parents’ time and emotional energy is necessarily directed at the child with additional needs. They may also resent any apparent preferential treatment their sibling receives and develop a perception of parental favouritism (McHale et al., 2000; Suitor et al., 2009). Sometimes siblings are expected to help out with caring for a disabled or sick child, or to take on extra household chores to relieve parental stress. While this may help siblings feel valued and useful, it can also interfere with their social development and their psychological growth and wellbeing. Research has found that some children who are required to care for their siblings with additional needs can feel resentful, and guilty about feeling resentful (Seligman & Darling, 1989; Strohm, 2002). Children with a sibling who has developmental delays may not have the same opportunities to develop socially at home as other children. A sibling with additional needs may not have sufficient skills to communicate with their brother or sister, be an active playmate or be a role model. They may not be able to share imagination games or dreams, or take on an equal role in companionship. They may also be less responsive and less active in social and play interaction, making playtime more difficult for both. In one study of children with siblings with additional needs, Ali and Sarullah (2010) found that the majority had a positive outlook toward and felt acceptance of their siblings with additional needs, but many also reported feelings of anger, guilt and sadness mixed with their love, pride and empathy. Many siblings of children with a disability or chronic illness also report feeling fear, guilt and shame: some fear that they may ‘catch’ the same condition as the sibling with additional needs; some feel a degree of ‘survivor’s guilt’ about being ‘the lucky ones’ who have good health and freedom of movement; some, especially those who are teased and harassed by ignorant people at school and in the community, feel shame (Strohm, 2002). Other studies have reported that children who have a sibling with autism, in particular, tend to be shyer and more reserved than those without (Inam et al., 2017), display lower self-concept (Roberts et al., 2016), and are more likely to experience anxiety and depression, resulting in a lower overall emotional wellbeing rating (Emerson & Giallo, 2014). Some reported feeling embarrassed to be seen in public with their sibling with disabilities and experiencing higher levels of stress due to an inability to talk about their feelings regarding their relationships with their sibling with additional needs (Loots & Pit-Ten Cate, 2000). Children or adolescents who are older than their siblings with disability may also find themselves taking on a caregiving role if their parents fall physically or

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mentally ill, or if the family became overwhelmed by social or economic challenges such as extreme poverty and lack of support. Likewise, single parents working long hours who cannot afford childcare, incarcerated parents and parents with addiction issues may need to enlist older siblings to look after the younger ones. For example, one study in 1998 reported that over 50,000 children and adolescents in the UK had undertaken a carer role in the family at the time (Dearden & Becker, 2000). These roles included caring for a grandparent (38%), a sick parent (34%), siblings (11%), or other relatives (9%). Another report on a cross-national survey carried out in six European countries—Italy, the Netherlands, Slovenia, Sweden, Switzerland and the UK—found that 28% of their respondents were young caregivers between the ages of 5 and 17 (European Policy Brief, 2019). This report noted that 49% of young caregivers spent a lot of time taking care of their family members, including performing personal care tasks such as helping with bathing, dressing and feeding, household tasks and meal preparations. Historically, children were seen as social capital—resources that families could use to provide for the family in one way or another, including by earning an income as child-labourers (Lee & Bulatao, 1983). Today, in some sociocultural contexts such as Asian and Latin American cultures, children—especially older siblings— are still considered essential supporters of the family (Kuperminc et al., 2009). In such cultures, parents believe that giving a child the role of caregiver will help to promote maturity, responsibility, and fundamental family goals and values (Weisner, 2001). A gender bias is also present in parents assigning children a caregiving role in the family. The literature unanimously finds that girls are expected to take on a caregiver role far more often than boys. Many young girls take on the role of baby-tender or child carer because it is considered ‘natural’ for them to do so (East et al., 2009; Zukow-Goldring, 2002). Some girls even declare that they value these roles and show a desire to take on such responsibilities (Kroska, 2003). Studies that report positive outcomes for children caring for family members, especially younger siblings, claim that this role fosters a positive self-identity (Brubaker & Wright, 2006), gives children a sense of purpose and responsibility (Burton, 2007), and increases their perspective-taking and social understanding (Bryant, 1992). However, many reports have also testified to the negative costs of children taking on such roles. Some argue that excessive family labour can deprive children of their own opportunities for social development, health, and mental wellbeing. Researchers have also found that children or adolescents who take on a caregiving role in the family for a prolonged period of time are more likely to experience depression (Shifren & Kachorek, 2003), stress, poor academic performance (Dodson & Dickert, 2004), and early sexual activity, particularly for teenaged girls (East & Jacobson, 2001). Some may have poor self-esteem and feel worthless and unloved, while others feel angry and pressured by the extra burdens placed on them (Aldridge & Becker, 1993; Earley et al., 2007). These days, when parents talk about the juggling act involved in raising a family, they mostly mean helping their children with their studies and taking them to soccer and dancing, art class and ballet, on top of doing the grocery shopping and laundry

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and handling sibling rivalry. However, when there is a child with additional needs in the family, parents have to deal with doctor’s visits, therapy visits and tending to the personal needs of the sick child along with those of their other children. They have to juggle attending to their children and taking care of their own needs, and handling the emotional adjustments required for the whole family. No family can do this alone. Those with a supportive extended family and friends who are willing to take up caring for their child with special needs from time to time are the lucky ones. Others have to rely on their older children. However, in some advanced countries, these families can also get some help from the government. Over the past two decades, respite services are provided in many advanced countries such as Australia, Canada, the US, the UK and New Zealand, and some Asian and European countries, to provide temporary care for children with disabilities and chronic illnesses, and for their parents and family members too. Respite care is a service which provides care for the child with additional needs, with specially trained carers, so that the family can have a short break from taking care of the child (Meadan et al., 2010). There are also respite camps available for siblings who need a break from caring for a brother or sister, so that they can spend time with their peers. These respite camps give them time to rest, relax, refresh, and recharge—and in doing so, also improve their caregiving capacity (Doig et al., 2009; Merriman & Canavan, 2007). Empirical evidence has been found that respite care can have positive effects on the mental health of siblings, improve the marital relationships of parents, and allow parents to spend more time with their other children so that they do not feel neglected (Hoffman et al., 2006; Langer et al., 2010; Welch et al., 2012). Chan and Sigafoos (2001) also found that the more a family uses respite care, the lower the incidence of family conflict. There are many families in need of this kind of social support. These include children who bear the responsibility of caring for their parents or their siblings. If governments are not able to provide sufficient support to meet the increasing demands of today’s societal weights, it is up to us to take action and contribute to alleviating the multidimensional pressures on these children. As teachers, fellow parents, and community members, we can pool our resources, cooperate and form support groups to help our fellow citizens, especially children.

7.5 Sibling Relationships in Adulthood Sibling relationships change at different stages of our lives. It is common to see less closeness amongst siblings as they transition to different stages in life, for example when moving from adolescence to adulthood and gaining their own circles of friends, starting a career, leaving the family home, and getting married and starting their own families. During young adulthood, sibling relationships become a choice, as siblings no longer have to live under the same roof. Those who have close bonds with their siblings will likely continue to connect with one another and share warmth and closeness, while those who did not get along in childhood may drift further apart.

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Emotional ties between adult siblings can be positive, negative or ambivalent. Siblings who are intimate tend to consider each other good friends. Their bond is based on loyalty and family allegiance in addition to personal experience. Siblings who fail to connect tend to feel apathy and indifference towards one another. In adulthood, communication tends to be a rare event, as they are neither emotionally connected nor socially associated. They are friendly with each other at family reunions but prefer to leave each other alone at other times. Siblings who are actively hostile to each other are likely to have shared a history of intense negative sibling rivalry since childhood. Their relationship is characterised with anger, resentment, bitterness and avoidance. Studies on sibling closeness in adulthood have found that while the connections between siblings may decline in young adulthood, when individuals are building careers and families, there is a tendency for them to get closer again when one of them has a child (Conger & Little, 2010). Likewise, a family crisis, the death of a parent, unfortunate events, family hardships and challenges can also bring siblings back together, as many feel an obligation to support one another and rebuild a family bond (Fowler, 2009; Myers et al., 2001). Some studies have found that sisters are more likely to maintain a warm relationships with their siblings than brothers and to be more involved in initiating contacts either through telephone conversations or via face-to-face meetings with their siblings (Voorpostel & Van Der Lippe, 2007). While sister-sister dyads are more engaged in sharing emotions through talking and being each other’s confidants, brother-brother dyads bond by engaging in activities such as playing sports, having a drink with social groups, or playing chess or card games (Floyd, 1996). However, there is no gender difference when siblings help each other out by doing favours, helping in emergencies, and just being there to support one another. Relational communication is dynamic. People with different personality traits communicate differently. When one family member is less active in initiating communication with their siblings, it does not necessarily mean that the emotional bond between them is weak, because people communicate through nonverbal as well as verbal means. People also choose to communicate with their siblings for different reasons. The motive of affection revolves around communicating in order to demonstrate appreciation of and concern for others, while the motive of connection could be to interact with others in order to reduce loneliness. People also connect and communicate with their siblings to share enjoyment and pleasure, excitement, and fun, such as going on vacation together, engaging in adventurous endeavours or even going into business together. Unfortunately, some also communicate with their siblings for less pleasant reasons, such as to seek validation, to exert control, or to fulfil their need to brag and gloat. Finally, many older adult siblings communicate to share comfort and to reminisce about the ‘good old days’ together (Canary & Dainton, 2003). Parental influence can have a long-lasting impact on sibling relationships. The perception of unequal treatment from parents can carry forward into adulthood and still affect how some adults view their siblings and how they relate to each other well into their lifespans. Such perceptions have been found to be associated with

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behavioural problems in childhood and adolescence, low self-esteem, negative judgement, depressive symptoms, and risky or antisocial behaviour (Long et al., 2015). They can also either facilitate or hinder the development of coping mechanisms for interpersonal challenges and relational stress in later life, particularly for the siblings who are not ‘favoured’ (Meunier et al., 2012). However, cultural influences also determine how parental differential treatment is perceived. In some Asian cultures (e.g., Chinese, Japanese, Korean), the eldest son is recognised as the heir to the family’s inheritance and legacy. From childhood to adulthood, he is given a broad range of support (emotional, social and financial) and groomed to be the leader of the family. He may inherit a much larger portion of the family wealth later in life, and receive respect and high esteem from all other family members, including aunties and other female family members (Lu, 2007). But with privileges come obligations and responsibilities. The eldest son, whether he is endowed with family wealth and fortune or the son of a working-class family, is expected to repay the benefits gained from this ‘parental favouritism’ later on in life. First and foremost, he has to look after his parents in their old age, in sickness and in health—including paying for their living expenses, medical bills and other financial obligations. At the same time, he is expected to handle problems faced by younger siblings and support them, including helping them financially when they are out of a job, helping to support them during family crises, and providing other forms of emotional and financial support when required (Lu, 2007). In other cultures, adult siblings often come into conflict over who should be the primary caregiver for their elderly parents. Having to bear this responsibility alone can result in resentment, strained relationships, and conflict among adult siblings. Feuds over family inheritances can also be a devastating experience for adult siblings, leading to relationship crises and even legal disputes. Although siblings may detach themselves from family relationships to establish their own lives in young adulthood, there is a tendency for many to attempt to reconcile past differences and create stronger emotional bonds later on in life (Moyer, 1993). With age and life experience, communication patterns between siblings change, and the quality of the relationship may change as well (Myers & Goodboy, 2010). Social scientists have identified several relationship maintenance behaviours in older adults as part of their attempts to repair or strengthen sibling relationships. These include: assurance, or indicating to their siblings their continual support and connection; conflict management, or understanding and addressing conflict in a more patient and mutually supporting way; positivity, or communicating in a positive manner; joint participation, or mutual engagement in family tasks and support; mutual counselling and advice; and networking (Richmond et al., 2005). In general, many older adults report that they are in regular contact with their siblings and share a positive and supportive relationship with them. Earlier feelings of ambivalence, conflict and parental favouritism in childhood and young adulthood no longer bother them. There is also evidence to show that older people who enjoy harmonious sibling relationships are less lonely, more joyful and enjoy better health (Van Volkom, 2006).

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7.6 Sibling Relationships and EI Sibling relationships are enduring and play a vital role in shaping our wellbeing across our lifespans. As illustrated in the sections above, there is substantial evidence to show that the quality of our relationships with our siblings, both positive and negative, can influence our psychosocial, behavioural and emotional wellbeing. Having healthy sibling relationships and connections can generate a greater sense of happiness and contentment, while stressful sibling relationships can compromise our health. EI is not only about being self-aware and understanding our emotions and how they affect us at different times and situations, but also about strengthening our ability to manage our strong emotions and remaining calm and composed in stressful times, and using positive thoughts to facilitate our emotions and behaviour. It is also about understanding other people’s emotions and strengthening our ability to acknowledge and interpret their emotional signals and behaviour, and respond to them in appropriate ways. Our siblings are one of the greatest sources of love and support across our lifespan. Sadly, however, in some sibling relationships, there is tension because of misunderstandings, different views and opinions, or unresolved childhood resentments. Consequently, the siblings who were our first friends can become strangers and even foes. When we focus on developing increased EI, we become more attuned to ourselves and understand how emotions drive our behaviour and thoughts. We also become more aware of others’ needs, and more understanding and accommodating of their emotions and behaviours. We learn to develop more emotional intimacy with our family members and will have a stronger desire to form close connections with them, especially those from whom we have drifted apart. Change begins with the self. When we are more aware of our emotional strengths and utilise them to enrich our relationships, the whole family will notice the change. This might lead to positive changes in them too. When we have identified our need to develop more emotional strength, our behaviour will change, and this will improve the way we communicate and connect with others. Remember that consistency builds trust. Practise your new skills consistently, and remember that change takes time. As parents, we need to be mindful of how we treat our children and make sure we appreciate them for who they are. Some are talented at academics, some at sports, art, or music. Some are outgoing, while some are quiet. Some are compliant and people-pleasing while others may have a more defiant and rebellious nature. It is more easily said than done, but when parents are fair and loving, they can reduce sibling rivalry and promote a more loving and happy family. And if our childhood memories are tainted with sibling aggression and conflict, perhaps we can consider replacing them with more pleasant ones in order to reconnect with the siblings who were once our friends? Rebuilding and repairing a relationship is a challenging and time-consuming process. The desire to reconnect with your siblings may need to be facilitated by other family members to make it a reality, or in some cases, by a professional therapist. The process of letting go of the pain and

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anger of childhood sibling conflicts will set you free from other related mental issues too. The key is forgiveness. The scope of EI is wide and covers different aspects of intrapersonal and interpersonal relationships. It takes time, practice and dedication to increase one’s EI, and to harness this intelligence to facilitate healthy and valuable relationships with others. Every relationship is as unique as the individual in it. It is my hope that you can use this chapter to gain a deeper understanding of the complexity of sibling relationships, and pursue skills and strategies to enrich your relationship with your siblings or provide more insightful parenting approaches to enhance the sibling relationships of your children.

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Emery, R. E. (1999). Marriage, divorce, and children’s adjustment (2nd ed.). Sage Publications. Eshuys, D. M. (2008). The relationship between religiosity and sexual misconduct (Doctoral dissertation, Griffith University, 2008). https://www120.secure.griffith.edu.au/rch/file/f76d00f0-234a05eb-16c1-bf031394f2e5/1/02Whole.pdf European Policy Brief. (2019). https://www.egmontinstitute.be/publication_parent/european-pol icy-briefs/ Fagan, A. A., & Najman, J. M. (2005). The relative contributions of parental and sibling substance use to adolescent tobacco, alcohol, and other drug use. Journal of Drug Issues, 35(4), 869–884. https://doi.org/10.1177/002204260503500410 Finkelhor, D., Ormrod, R. K., Turner, H. A., & Hamby, S. L. (2006). Measuring poly-victimization using the Juvenile Victimization Questionnaire. Child Abuse and Neglect, 29(11), 1297–1312. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.chiabu.2005.06.005 Floyd, K. (1996). Communicating closeness among siblings: An application of the gendered closeness perspective. Communication Research Reports, 13(1), 27–34. https://doi.org/10.1080/088 24099609362067 Fosco, G. M., Stormshak, E. A., Dishion, T. J., & Winter, C. E. (2012). Family relationships and parental monitoring during middle school as predictors of early adolescent problem behavior. Journal of Clinical Child & Adolescent Psychology, 41(2), 202–213. https://doi.org/10.1080/153 74416.2012.651989 Fowler, C. (2009). Motives for sibling communication across the lifespan. Communication Quarterly, 57(1), 51–66. https://doi.org/10.1080/01463370802662499 Feinberg, M. E., Solmeyer, A. R., Hostetler, M. L., Sakuma, K.-L., Jones, D., & McHale, S. M. (2013). Siblings are special: Initial test of a new approach for preventing youth behavior problems. Journal of Adolescent Health, 53, 166–173. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jadohealth.2012.10.004 Gamble, W. C., & Yu, J. J. (2014). Young children’s sibling relationship interactional types: Associations with family characteristics, parenting, and child characteristics. Early Education and Development, 25(2), 223–239. https://doi.org/10.1080/10409289.2013.788434 Golombok, S. (2000). Parenting: What really counts? Routledge. Halligan, C., Chang, I. J., & Knox, D. (2014). Positive effects of parental divorce on undergraduates. Journal of Divorce & Remarriage, 55(7), 557–567. https://doi.org/10.1080/10502556.2014. 950905 Hank, K., & Steinbach, A. (2018). Intergenerational solidarity and intragenerational relations between adult siblings. Social Science Research, 76, 55–64. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.ssresearch. 2018.08.003 Healey, M. D., & Ellis, B. J. (2007). Birth order, conscientiousness, and openness to experience: Tests of the family-niche model of personality using a within-family methodology. Human Evolution and Behavior, 28(1), 55–59. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.evolhumbehav.2006.05.003 Heckman, J. J. (2008). Schools, skills, and synapses. Economic Inquiry, 46(3), 289–324. https:// doi.org/10.1111/j.1465-7295.2008.00163.x Hoffman, L., Marquis, J., Poston, D., & Summers., J.A., & Turnbull, A. (2006). Assessing family outcomes: Psychometric evaluation of the Beach Center family quality of life scale. Journal of Marriage and Family, 68(4), 1069–1083. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1741-3737.2006.00314.x Inam, A., Kausar, R., & Abiodullah, M. (2017). Does having a sibling with autism affect one’s self concept? An empirical research. Isra Medical Journal, 9(3), 166– 170. http://www.imj.com.pk/wp-content/uploads/2017/08/10.-Does-having-a-Sibling-with-Aut ism-affect-ones-Self-Concept-An-Empirical-Research.pdf Kennedy, D. K., & Kramer, L. (2008). Improving emotion regulation and sibling relationship quality: The More Fun with Sisters and Brothers program. Family Relations, 57(5), 567–578. https://doi. org/10.1111/j.1741-3729.2008.00523.x Kennedy, T. L. Smith, A. Wells, A. T. Wellman, B. (2008). Networked families. Pew Research Center. https://www.pewresearch.org/internet/2008/10/19/networked-families/

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Chapter 8

Friendships and Romantic Relationships

8.1 Introduction We all have friends; we all need friends. Friendship can increase our sense of belonging, boost our happiness, and offer us companionship. Children make friends easily, while teens are more selective, and as we get older, some adults find it harder to meet and make friends and may drift apart from their old friends too. Developing and maintaining friendships requires effort, time, and social-emotional intelligence. This chapter provides research-based data on how friendship impacts us at different stages of our lives—in childhood, adolescence, adulthood, and old age. It also discusses how friendship has changed in this digital era. It then moves on from friendship to discuss romance and love relationships for young people, and highlights the challenges people with disability face in navigating their social worlds, and in forming friendships and love relationships.

8.2 Friendships at Different Stages of Our Lives Friends enrich our lives and give us support in many different ways. They share our thoughts and interests, help us in times of need, and make us feel valued and appreciated. Some people keep the same friends from childhood through to old age, and these lifelong buddies may be more valuable to them then their family. Others form different friendships at different stages of their lives. However, some people have difficulty forming or maintaining friendships. The following may give some insight into the different aspects of friendships, and inspire you to become more selfaware of your strengths and needed strengths in maintaining healthy friendships—or help your family members, friends, or students to develop more meaningful social relationships too.

© The Author(s), under exclusive license to Springer Nature Singapore Pte Ltd. 2022 M. Gonzales, Emotional Intelligence for Students, Parents, Teachers and School Leaders, https://doi.org/10.1007/978-981-19-0324-3_8

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8.2.1 Childhood Friendship Friendships give children a sense of belonging, acceptance, and security, and help them to develop important life skills and social-interpersonal skills. Through friendships, children are able to learn more about themselves and develop their own identities. While playing and interacting with their friends, they also learn to understand and accept others’ viewpoints, to recognise and copy age-appropriate behaviour, and to learn about rules by observing their friends and having conversations. Studies have revealed that the nature of childhood friendships changes at different developmental stages. For example, Sullivan (1953) claimed that there is a distinction between friends, schoolmates, and playmates for young children. From preschool age to ages 6–8, friends are just playmates, but from ages 9–12, children understand the concept of friendship better and begin to form a closer relationships with their friends. From ages 13 to 22, young people look for emotional connection in their friendships. Damon and Hart (1988) also observed that ‘friends’ equates to ‘playmates’ in early childhood, as many children are still rather self-focused at this age. Later, in midchildhood, a strong sense of trust and loyalty becomes important, and children expect and desire friends whom they can count on for support in times of difficulty. In early adolescence, they develop closer and more intimate relationships with their friends. Trust and loyalty become stronger elements in adolescent friendship. Bigelow and LaGaipa (1975) described childhood friendships as having three stages: 1.

2.

3.

The reward-cost stage: This refers to easy access and availability (e.g., neighbours and classmates), and those who can provide them with interesting toys and share activities that they mutually enjoy. The normative stage: At this stage, children aged around 10–11 want to make friends with others who share the same values as them, and those that they can trust. They are also more conscious of rules and fairness in games and social interactions. The empathetic stage: As children get older (ages 11–13), they form emotional connections with their friends and disclose personal information to one another.

In preschool, children play with everyone. They are not very conscious of gender difference. As children enter primary school, however, they tend to congregate around friends of the same sex. While most girls favour gentle games, sometimes involving dolls and soft toys, boys tend to prefer more active games which involve intense physical motions, like running, climbing and ball games. However, there are also boys who enjoy playing with dolls and girls who love running about kicking a ball or sweating it out in physically strenuous activities, and gender difference in friendship groups is less obvious these days than it was in the past. Some children make friends naturally and move easily between different friendship groups. Some may have problems making and maintaining friendships, and need help from adults to teach them social and friendship skills. This is particularly true for children who are shy or have a quiet nature. Such children sometimes respond

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to peer conflict with fear, and prefer to be by themselves. Other children, especially those with special needs conditions (e.g., ADHD, aggressive behaviour disorder and other disabilities) will need to be taught specific skills to help them form and maintain friendships. This will require the input of parents, teachers, and trained professionals (Gonzales, 2020). In the past, children with friendship problems were blamed for both their behaviours and their personalities. As parents and teachers, however, it is our responsibility to help children and support their need for friendship. By understanding the reasons behind the challenges they face, we can provide assistance so that they can connect with their peers. Positive parental input, for example, is vital to build the self-esteem and self-confidence children require to make friends. Letting the children know that their parents and teachers are there to talk to them and help them with their problems can be a source of comfort for children who are lonely. Enrolling them in team sports or group activities can also help to teach them the necessary social skills and emotional intelligence, language pragmatics and communication skills to form friendships too. Children with poor social and interpersonal skills are more likely to be aggressive when they are involved in a conflict. Many may still be emotionally immature and less conscious of how their behaviour affects others. When rejected, they may resort to name-calling or teasing, or even become physically aggressive. Some may try to boss people around, while others may whine or complain excessively because they do not know how to handle disagreement or tensions among group members. And some may overreact when losing a game, and become angry or despondent. Children with good social skills are likely to have parents with good social skills as role models (Hamner & Turner, 2001). By observing the way their parents interact with others and how they communicate, these children learn how to relate to and connect with people in a positive way. In some Asian cultures, for example, social and interpersonal skills are part of a child’s personal development or character education curriculum. Most Asian children are taught from a young age how to take turns, respect other people’s personal space, play fair, behave well when winning or losing a game, and apologise when they have offended others. These days, EI is part of the school curriculum in many countries.

8.2.2 Teen Friendship Friendships are an important aspect of a teenager’s life. Adolescent friendships are a key part of forming one’s sense of identity, self-validation, and emotional security. Supportive friendships can increase a teenager’s positive self-concept, self-worth and emotional stability, and form a protective mechanism supporting the development of resilience. At this stage of development, most teens turn to their friends for support in times of stress and challenge. The ability to both seek and accept help is an essential part of building resilience. It helps to strengthen the bond between friends and promotes the development of compassion, trust, and empathy.

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Peer networks based on both school friends and out-of-school friends are prominent features of a teenager’s social world, and an important influence on them as they develop autonomy and social adjustments. By developing different friendship groups, young people can learn to do new things that they do not do with their family members. They can exchange information about how puberty affects them physically and emotionally—things that they may feel more comfortable discussing with friends of their own age than with parents or teachers. They can also feel more able to talk about their fears or desires when befriending a person that they are attracted to in the pursuit of a romantic relationship. They can discuss, argue about and learn to understand different values, ideas and viewpoints. They can talk about their dreams, their futures, and share knowledge and expertise with their mates. Teenagers know that the quality of their friendships is important. Friendship quality refers to the satisfaction each partner gains from a relationship (Aboud & Mendelson, 1996). While positive friendship quality can act as a buffer against stressors and minimise the extent to which they internalise problem behaviour, low friendship quality can lead to social isolation and increase externalising behaviours in teenagers (Thompson et al., 2006; Waldrip et al., 2008). Adolescents who experience low friendship quality are also more likely to find themselves subjected to victimisation, harassment and teasing within their friendship group, or with individual friends. This can impact their social adjustment and even affect their academic performance (Underwood, 2002). Numerous scholars have surveyed and interviewed different sets of teenagers and found similarities in what they describe as positive friendship quality. Features of positive friendships include intimacy, loyalty, attachment, companionship, closeness, validation, mutual disclosure, help and guidance, conflict resolution and mutual support (Allen et al., 2005; Burkowski et al., 1994). A gender difference has also been observed. Teenage girls tend to report that they value intimacy, companionship and self-disclosure more than boys, and are more exclusive in their friendships (Simpkins et al., 2006). However, both sexes choose friends who share the same interests and values, such as academic priorities, sports, music, art, fashion (Knecht et al., 2010). Adolescents are easily influenced by their friends, both in positive ways and in ways that may lead them down antisocial paths in the long run. For decades, truancy and underage drinking have been two of the major adolescent problems found in Western countries like the UK, Europe, USA and Australia (Atkinson et al., 2012; Wachtel & Staniford, 2010). Students play truant from school for many different reasons. These may relate to family problems, self-esteem issues, lack of a sense of belonging and acceptance, victimisation, poor teacher-student relationships, or low academic performance. However, some also choose to skip class because their mates do, and some just see it as an exciting risk-behaviour and want to experience some unstructured, unmonitored time doing ‘cool’ stuff with their friends. Some of these activities could be perfectly innocent, like going to a friend’s home to play online games or hanging around the shopping mall, but others might involve gratifying their curiosity by try smoking, drinking, or even taking drugs. Henry and Thornberry (2010) found that increased truancy behaviour and unsupervised time spent with

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peers is more likely to lead to adolescent alcohol and substance abuse amongst high school students. Studies have also found strong links between peer influence and adolescent binge drinking (Engels et al., 1999), which can eventually lead to alcoholism in adulthood (Burk et al., 2011). Alcohol consumption is an intrinsic part of Western culture, and plays a significant role in most people’s social lives, from weddings and funerals to sports events and even just winding down after a day’s work. In Australia, for example, alcohol is the most used drug throughout society, and causes a range of health issues, including being one of the leading causes of death for young people (AIHW, 2020). Teenagers engage in risk-taking behaviour connected to alcohol out of a desire to blend in, and as a status-seeking pursuit to gain recognition amongst their friend groups. Even when a teen knows better, they may lack the skills needed to resist peer pressure or avoid being teased, mocked or isolated by their peers. Peer pressure is defined generally in social psychology literature as a direct influence on someone to act in the way their peers or friends want them to. The pressure to conform is hard to resist, especially for younger teens aged 13 to 16 and many people, especially children and adolescents, feel that they must do what their friends do to be accepted. Many follow trends created by youth culture, such as fashion or music, or get involved in daring, high-risk activities (e.g., roof planking, agile dance moves). Studies have found that adolescents who are most easily swayed by peer pressure are those with low self-esteem, those who have a strong need to be liked and accepted, and those who identify strongly with their ethnic or cultural groups. Adolescents who also have problems in the family, feel unloved or are troubled by parental conflicts or family disharmony, and have a great fear for rejection and a strong need to belong to a group or a community, are particularly at risk. In contrast, teens who have high self-esteem, self-confidence, social skills and interpersonal skills, and have strong connections with their family are found to be less vulnerable to peer pressure (Bongardt et al., 2015; Brown, 1982). Peer pressure can be good as well as bad. When young people are influenced by positive peer pressure, they will improve in their mental health, social lives and decision-making. Positive peer pressure can be seen in action when a teenager is encouraged, or even pushed, to make a positive choice, such as giving up bad habits and forming new ones by spending less time on video games and more time on schoolwork, or giving up junk food and exercising more, or being more honest and responsible. In contrast, negative peer pressure can influence a young person to do things that might be harmful or even dangerous, from smoking, drinking, and taking drugs to shoplifting, car-stealing and joyriding, and other criminal activities (Wong et al., 2016). When children and young teens are taught social skills and given coaching to raise their EI, they tend to be more able to make good choices and decisions for themselves, and to walk away from peer pressure. When they understand their own emotional and social needs, values and beliefs, they can develop a stronger sense of self. However, many young people, especially those with family problems, need intentional teaching and EI coaching to strengthen their personal and social development. Parents and teachers therefore need to develop better knowledge and skills to

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help students overcome the challenges they face in their friendships and interpersonal relationships. Educators and curriculum planners need to consider strengthening EI training at school, rather than just focusing on academic results and test scores.

8.2.3 Adult Friendship What does friendship mean to adults? The importance of friendship has been deliberated since the beginning of civilisation. The great Chinese philosopher and teacher, Confucius (551 BCE), considered friendship to be a relationship from which one could derive trust and the joy of benevolence. Roman scholar Cicero (106 BCE) described two types of friendships: friendship based on virtue, and friendship based on mutual support and self-benefit. And the eminent Greek philosopher, Aristotle (384 BCE), described three types of friendship: (1) perfect friendship, that provides qualities of virtuousness that mutually benefit both parties; (2) friendship of pleasure; and (3) friendship of utility, that provides help and support (Blieszner & Adams, 1992). Contemporary scholars describe friendship as a voluntary relationship that people form to gain mutual support, intimacy, and self-validation (e.g., Birditt & Antonucci, 2007; Demir et al., 2015), and as ‘the social glue to paste over networked lives’ (Vernon, 2005, pp. 1–2). Lynch (2015) presents two views on friendship: a noninstrumental perspective that involves genuine care and concern for a friend, and an instrumental perspective that involves getting together to seek pleasure, achieve desirable outcomes, and carry out acts of mutual benefit. Demir et al. (2015) have found that affective bonds between friends are a central source of joy which create mental strength and good moods. Argyle (2001) claims that friendships provide us with companionship to share laughter and cheerfulness and generate enjoyment. These scholars believe that we further develop our own identity through our friends thanks to the enrichment we gain from sharing our thoughts and experiences with them. Friendships differ from other relationships. Sutcliffe et al. (2012) identify three types of relationships: (1) family members and loved ones, including spouses and close friends; (2) relationships based on family ties, e.g., in-laws and cousins; and (3) acquaintances, or people we do not share deep affection with, e.g., neighbours and work colleagues. Ajrouch et al. (2001) found that 70% of people valued family relationships over friendships, while Cheung et al. (2015) identified that adults tended to turn to family members for support in time of stress rather than to their friends, and also preferred to spend more time with family members than with friends. Many scholars believe that relationships with family are naturally strong and do not require frequent contact, though frequency of contact will affect the maintenance of a friendship. Family relationships are also more interdependent, and family members play unique roles in our lives that impact us from different perspectives (Fuller-Iglesias et al., 2015). Social researchers have also found that most people include family members as ‘friends’ in their social networks. In fact, family members constitute a

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larger percentage of most individuals’ social networks than friends do (e.g. Acock & Hurlbert, 1993; Roberts et al., 2009). What distinguishes friendships from family relationship is that friendship is voluntary: people can choose their friends in a way they cannot choose their siblings, cousins, uncles and aunts. They can drop their friends when they choose to, or grow apart from them naturally without continual contact, as friendships are ‘less regulated by social norms and easier to dissolve’ (Miller, 2009, p. 208). Friendships also mandate fewer obligations than family relationships, and do not require the deep commitment, passion, and investment of time that romantic relationships do. On the other hand, people tend to have fewer antagonistic and hostile exchanges with friends than with family members! Some think that close friendship can buffer people against issues with their spouses (Argyle, 2001; Fuller-Iglesias et al., 2015), while others think that individuals can benefit from multiple friendships as they can serve different functions and provide different sources of satisfaction and wellbeing that spouses and lovers, and other family members, cannot (Gillespie et al., 2014; Walen & Lachman, 2000). Some scholars have found that friends can provide more positivity and understanding, and that people tend to turn to friends for support that they might not get from their spouses or partners for this reason. Such connections appear to increase the individual’s personal wellbeing, sense of security, and happiness (Cheung et al., 2015). Through the lens of the Attachment Theory, some social practitioners tell us that for most adults, their attachment figures are their romantic partners and their best (or closest) friends (Birditt & Antonucci, 2007). In many cases, people who are married also refer to their spouse or partner as their ‘best friend’ (La Guardia et al., 2000). People describe best friendships as having qualities such as intimacy, closeness, acting in each other’s best interest, being emotionally supportive of each other, exhibiting caring, concern and understanding, and being able to act as mirrors of each other without judgement, criticism, or conflict (Demir et al., 2015). When couples share intimacy as well as close friendship with each other as a result of sharing life experiences, challenges, successes and disappointments, they are able to maintain a continuous connection that influences their thoughts, feelings and behaviour, resulting in a unique and lasting bond (Antonucci et al., 2004). Such a loving relationship and friendship can be the greatest blessings of a person’s life. Research informs us that men and women often have different outlooks on friendships. They may share the same level of happiness and wellbeing with their friends, but in general, they differ in the quality of their emotional experiences and friendship expectations. For example, Biehle and Mickelson (2012) found that men tend to think they are more satisfied with their marriages than women and to invest more time into their marriage than into forming new friendships. Likewise, Demir et al. (2015) found that men are more likely to be content with a satisfying romantic relationship, while women need both a romantic relationship and intimate friendships for their wellbeing. Tschann (1988) also discovered that married men are less likely to disclose intimate information to their friends than unmarried men, and that men encountered more qualitative declines in friendship after marriage than women.

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In contrast, Demir et al. (2015) found that women value emotional closeness, self-disclosure and conversational support in friendships more than men do. They are more drawn to satisfy their sense of belonging and to support their self-esteem through friendships, and therefore, many women have larger social networks than their husbands or boyfriends (Pietromonaco & Perry-Jenkins, 2014). Many women stated that their friendships were as important to them as their marital relationships, while those who were experiencing marital problems thought friendships with other women were more vital to them than their relationships with their husbands (Argyle, 2001). Age also affects how couples connect socially with their friends. Finkel and colleagues (2014) found that younger couples have larger networks of friends with whom they interact regularly. However, as they become parents, the demands of parenthood begin to constrain their ability to bond socially with their friends, and they start to spend more time with family members such as parents and siblings who can provide them with resources and advice on looking after their children.

8.2.4 Friendships in Older Adulthood As we get older, we also change how we make friends and maintain our friendships. In an earlier study, Matthews (1986) discovered three distinctive friendship styles in older adults, noting that discerning individuals prefer to interact with only a few close friends, while more independent older adults abstain from close friendships, and those with more extraverted and outgoing personalities continue to make friends throughout their lifespan. In a later study, Miche et al. (2013) confirmed these friendship styles, and added that friendship style also varied based on socioeconomic status, gender, health, and individual characteristics. For example, people from different socioeconomic spheres have different standards of behaviour and expectations of friendships, and they tend to congregate in groups with similar ethnic or cultural backgrounds, or levels of economic resources. Adams and Blieszner (1994) found that friendships among older adults are influenced by three factors: cognitive, affective and behavioural. Some older people value quality over quantity when it comes to friendship. They choose their friends via a cognitive process and evaluate their friendships based on similarity, personal character, shared experiences and even attractiveness. Some choose their friends via an affective process, based on their emotional reactions towards others. They look for friends who show empathy, trust, affection commitment, joy and other pleasurable emotions. Those who choose friends via a behavioural process look for people with whom they can communicate and share thoughts and feelings, people who display affection, social support, and accommodation of a friend’s desires, and people who share similar interests and likings. Muraco (2012) found that in general, older adults regard respect, trust, loyalty, tolerance, consideration, affection, commitment, and self-disclosure as norms for friendship.

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In a German study, Hahmann (2013) found that older adults who are widowed tend to position their friends or adult children as substitutes for their lost partners. They value everyday care-related routines, like morning phone calls and friendly visits for a cup of tea or to provide some assistance with household needs. For some, even just a caring phone call will make their day. This is especially noted amongst those with declining health. Some even turn to their carers or domestic helpers for friendship. Bouwman et al. (2017) also found that more and more older adults are turning to social media and online friendships to alleviate loneliness. In Europe, there are friendship enrichment programs to help older people maintain or build new friendships, which could help to prevent mental health issues caused by loneliness. Reciprocal positive friendships are essential for optimal wellbeing. They are built on trust and acceptance, are mutually supportive, have healthy boundaries and challenge us to grow. People with caring and supportive friends experience higher levels of wellbeing and better mental health, are more optimistic, have fun and enjoy life more. Friendships, in other words, are significantly linked with both physical and mental good health.

8.3 Friendships in the Digital World Digital technology has changed how we form and maintain friendships, and how we communicate and share information with our friends. Social media helps us to nurture and expand our relationships with our friends, work colleagues and family by providing a platform that breaks down spatial and temporal constraints. Today, we do not need to make expensive long-distance calls to get in touch with our loved ones and friends overseas. We can send a message to a friend in the middle of the night and get a response the next morning! In the old days, when we moved to live in another state or country, we had to cut our social ties with our buddies. Today, digital technology offers us a way to extend our friendships even across long-distances. Rawlins (1992) identifies three types of friendships: active, dormant, and commemorative. 1. 2.

3.

Active friendships: these are relationships with existing friends, with whom we connect frequently and provide with emotional and other support. Dormant friendships: these are friendships we developed earlier in our lives. We may still keep in touch with them from time to time, but due to spatialtemporal constraints (e.g., friends who have moved to other places), it is not possible to keep in touch as much as we would prefer. Commemorative friendships: these are friendships we formed long ago, e.g., a childhood friend or high school buddy, but that have drifted apart and that we probably do not expect to become active again, though the people involved may still be fond of each other.

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With social media platforms such as Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, Linked-in and countless others, we can now reconnect with our friends of all types and reinvigorate friendships that have lapsed over time. Facebook was created by Mark Zuckerberg to help people to connect with friends, especially those who feel socially anxious or too shy to approach others to establish a meaningful friendship (Kirkpatrick, 2010). Through social media, people can choose a range of social activities with which to connect with others, such as discussion boards, online games, instant messages and voice chat. This has opened many doors for lonely or timid people who might feel awkward about communicating with others in face-to-face situations. Journalist Rosenwald states that social networks, ‘particularly Facebook, are for shy people what water is for the thirsty’ (2011, p. 1). Recent studies have confirmed that the opportunity for people, especially young ones, to communicate with others on Instagram has reduced social isolation. Li et al. (2018) observed that young people found new opportunities for self-expression and self-acceptance through posting photos and self-disclosing information on Instagram, especially when they received affirmatory responses. Other studies have also confirmed that social platforms which allow young people to share photos and videos have increased self-esteem and decreased social isolation amongst young people (McMillan & Morrison, 2006; Stapleton et al., 2017). Digital technology is changing what friendship means for all of us, young and old. We are all learning to navigate new friendship norms and unconventional friendship dynamics. In a more recent research study by the UK Safer Internet Centre (2018), the following data reveal how young people (aged 8–17) viewed digital friendships: • The most popular platforms used by young people aged 8–17 on a daily basis were YouTube (41%), WhatsApp (32%), Snapchat (29%), Instagram (27%) and Facebook (21%). • Around 39% of the respondents reported they had made friends online that they would not have otherwise. • Over half (54%) of the respondents claimed that they would feel isolated if they could not talk to their friends via digital devices. • 73% said that it was important that their friends reply to their messages. • 60% said that it was important to them to be included in group chats. • 51% said that it was important that their friends ‘like’ their updates or posts. • A majority (83%) of them thought that most of the people they connected with online were kind to them. • 68% of them said that chatting to their friends online cheered them up. • Connecting with their online friends make them happy (89%), excited (82%) and inspired (74%). • Just under half (49%) reported having bad experiences online, which included people being mean to them, or excluding them. • These bad experiences made them feel sad (56%), angry (52%), and worried or anxious (42%). • Ways of dealing with these bad experiences included doing something else offline (65%), doing other enjoyable online activities (63%), talking to a parent or carer

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(62%), talking to other friends (62%), or reporting the interaction/blocking the mean person (58%). A majority (88%) said they had sent a kind message to a friend online who was feeling upset. A majority (80%) said they had stood up for a friend who was being treated unkindly online. Over three quarters (78%) said that that everybody on the Internet has a responsibility to be respectful. Over three quarters (77%) said that they wanted their parents or carers to be there for them if they experienced negative treatment online. Just under three quarters (72%) wanted their schools to teach them how to deal with cyberbullying and manage friendships online. Over half (58%) felt that their teachers did not understand their online lives, but less than a third (28%) said that their parents did not. One third (33%) said that they would not speak up when they had a negative online experience because they were scared of getting into trouble.

In a review of the impacts of social media on children and young people, Swist et al., (2015, pp. 5–6) identified eight spheres of influence: 1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

Physical and mental health: while most social media promote positive norms about health and wellbeing, at the same time, some introduce a range of risks, especially in the form of inaccurate information. Identity and belonging: well-meaning organisations can foster identity formation in children and youth and promote community-building and creativities via social media, but at the same time, some sites can present upsetting and potentially harmful content which can have serious effects on wellbeing. Formal and informal learning: some websites support the self-directed learning and aspirations of marginalised young people, and extend formal and informal knowledge and social support for young people generally; however, poor integration of social media in formal and informal learning networks can also reinforce social exclusion. Play and recreation: many social platforms provide leisure, play and recreation spaces for children and young people; online video games in particular provide opportunities for learning, creativity, identity formation, socialisation, relaxation, and stress relief. Consumer practices: some media platforms can positively influence the consumption patterns of children and young people by facilitating supportive networks and attitudes to financial wellbeing and empowering young people’s consumer and financial literacy. Civic and political engagement: some media platforms are creating new spaces for young people’s civic and political engagement by opening up opportunities for diverse forms of participation and self-expression, and creative ways to address social issues. However, while only a small minority of young people are considered to be at risk of radicalisation, social media can also be used

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to circulate politically extremist messages which, in combination with other complex factors, can potentially lead to harmful practices. Risk and safety: social media can amplify risks to physical and emotional safety, but can also promote proactive approaches that empower children and young people, develop their resilience and support their wellbeing. Family and intergenerational relationships: some social media platforms support family and intergenerational relationships and utilise different forms of expertise—including the knowledge and skills of children and young people, their peers, their family members and other adults—to promote safety, wellbeing and resilience.

Just as many young people are actively connected through virtual socialisation, more and more older adults are also connecting with their friends online. Gatto and Tak (2008) disclosed that in 1996, only 2% of Americans aged 65 and older used the Internet. This increased to 15% in 2000, and 22% in 2004. Zickhur and Madden (2012) later found that 70% of adults in the USA use the Internet every day to connect with their friends via email or stay in touch via other social media platforms. Today, social media allows older adults in particular to maintain connections with friends and family. This is especially helpful for those who live apart from their family members, particularly if they can no longer drive, or have physical and cognitive limitations that prevent them from enjoying face-to-face connections with others such as meeting a friend for a cup of tea or having a beer at the pub. Wright (2000) observed that social media had led to an increase in social inclusion and wellbeing for older adults, lowering the stress caused by loneliness, and improving life satisfaction. More and more community services globally are providing computer and Internet skills programs to equip older adults to use digital technology to seek out different forms of self-entertainment, from watching a movie on YouTube or listening to concerts online, to playing bridge or card games online and connecting with other people who share the same interests, with whom some might eventually become online friends.

8.4 Friendship and Relationship Conflicts Friendship is a very important part of our psychosocial development from childhood right through to old age. However, we all have both a good-natured side, and a dark side that we can fail to recognise. While many of us may think we are kind, sensible, caring, and responsible individuals, we may have a blind spot to flaws such as vanity, selfishness, vengefulness and envy. Some of us may be aggressive by nature and not realise that we are pushing our friends, especially the very gentle and accommodating ones, to a point where they feel uncomfortable or hurt. In the old days, especially for Baby Boomers, teasing, misogynistic and bigoted comments, uninvited personal contact, and racist and sexist slurs were all part of a ‘friendly’ social exchange, with

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those telling the ‘jokes’ not realising, or not caring, how hurtful it was to be on the receiving end. Runde and Flanagan (2010, p. 19) identified a list of traits that may be harmful to our friendships and interpersonal relationships. This list can help us to reflect on our own behaviour, or recognise the behaviours of our friends and understand why and how they make us feel uncomfortable. The traits are: • • • • • • •

Abrasiveness: being arrogant, sarcastic, and demeaning. Aloofness: being isolated, not seeking input, and hard to approach. Hostility: being angry, frequently yelling and losing their temper. Micro-management: constantly monitoring and checking on others. Being overly analytical: focusing on minor issues, perfectionistic. Self-centredness: caring only about the self, believing they are always correct. Lack of appreciativeness: failing to give credit, seldom praising good performance. • Unreliability: missing deadlines, unable to be counted on. • Untrustworthiness: exploiting others, taking undeserved credit.

In an earlier study, Samter and Cupach (1998) also unearthed a number of causes of friendship conflicts and tensions, giving insights into how a relationship may become problematic. They include: • Rival relationships: When a third person comes between two close friends and takes away the time and attention of one friend. • Disapproval of relationship choices: When one friend dislikes or does not feel comfortable with the other friend’s association with an individual or group of friends who do not share the same values, or behave in ways that they perceive to be unacceptable. • Disagreement about ideas: When one friend strongly disagrees with another about anything from political views to cultural issues, or fashion trends and celebrities. • Sharing activities: When one friend frequently has to accommodate the other in the choice of leisure activities (e.g., choice of movie, sports activities, travel destinations, etc.) and there is no reciprocity. • Friendship rule violations: When a friend fails to fulfil an obligation, or is constantly unreliable, dishonest, or irresponsible. • Sharing space and possessions: When two friends share a living space and there are frequent disputes about the sharing of space and utilities, and even food. • Relationship intimacy: When one friend (whether platonic or romantically involved) becomes jealous of the other becoming too friendly with others outside the friendship. Tension may also arise when one party fails to show as much intimacy as expected in the relationship. • Misunderstanding and communication breakdowns: When there is miscommunication between friends, or confusion due to other situational or relational reasons. Misunderstandings are common in every relationship.

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Earlier studies on competition amongst friends pointed out that humans need a certain measure of both similarity to and differentiation from others. We share closeness with our friends because of our similarities, yet we also crave distinctiveness, which sparks a desire (conscious or unconscious) to compete with them (Fromkin, 1972). A long history of studies of friendship competition and social comparison has found that individuals’ attitudes, personal qualities, and social-cultural influences drive competitive behaviours amongst friends and associates. As children, many of us are taught to do well and excel, and also to do better than others: for example, in Western cultures, some middle-class families will acquire the latest household utilities to keep up with the Joneses, wear Prada or Gucci fashions to demonstrate their taste for luxury goods, and spent thousands on Mercedes or Porsche to demonstrate their wealth and status. Likewise, Asian parents will make endless sacrifices to get their children into elitist schools, then boast about their children’s academic achievements and keep count of whose sons become doctors and lawyers, and whose daughters marry rich and reputable husbands. Wood (1989) argues that people engage in this kind of social comparison for three reasons: self-evaluation, self-improvement, and self-enhancement. • Self-evaluation: this is the tendency to compare yourself to somebody who is similar to you, and measure them against your own personal standards, in order to gain a sense of self and of your own abilities. The outcome of the comparison will drive future performance. • Self-improvement: this is the tendency to compare yourself to somebody who is doing better, such as an idol or a celebrity, so as to push oneself to a higher level of performance, state of health, lifestyle, appearance, weight loss goal, or social and wealth status. This is called upward comparison. • Self-enhancement: This is the tendency to compare yourself to others who are not doing as well. Known as downward comparison, this gives the individual a mental boost by telling them that they are doing better than others, which protects their self-esteem, strengthens their self-confidence, and improves their motivation to continue toward their goal attainment. Today, lots of people both young and old make use of social media and Internet platforms (Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, TikTok, etc.) to connect with friends and sometimes strangers. It has become a trend to post photos and videos of travel and trips, weddings and birthdays, baby achievements, and personal achievements— both to share our joys and perhaps to boast a little. These photos and videos are placed online with different intentions. It can be to communicate with friends and family—to give them an update on family lives or personal growth—or it can be to fulfil a need to socially compare. Some postings may be accurate; some are grossly exaggerated. Research in the last decade has found that sharing personal information via digital posting of photos or videos can have positive outcomes, such as increasing self-esteem and receiving social support, and encouraging more social disclosure for individuals who otherwise are too shy or reluctant to share personal information in face-to-face situations (Best et al., 2014). But at the same time, some scholars have found that many people, especially adolescents, develop depressive symptoms when

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they compare themselves with their ‘fortunate’ friends who are successful, highachieving, popular, and happy. Some even develop jealousy towards their friends and resent their ‘oversharing’ (e.g. Chou & Edge, 2012; Kross et al., 2013). People are competitive for a multitude of reasons. It can be part of their personality, insecurity, arrogance, or the need to prove superiority. It can be a perceived need to measure up to their friends’ expectations in order to gain acceptance or approval. Whatever the reason, there are many different ways to respond to overly competitive friends. First of all, make sure you are not throwing stones while living in a glass house. It is easy to see other’s flaws, and not so easy to see your own! So selfawareness is important. Try to understand why this friend wants to compete with you, and why you are responding negatively toward their apparent competitive behaviour. Could it be your own bias, driven by envy? The first step is to make the person aware of this behaviour, in a tactful way, if possible. Give praise and approval where they are due and be as supportive a friend as you can. If you do not want to listen to more bragging, change the subject, and refuse to give negative reinforcement that encourages further bragging or competitive behaviour. Seek help and advice from others, or read about how to develop skills to handle friendship competition and jealousy. And remember, you cannot change others. You can only change yourself.

8.5 Young Love and Romantic Relationships Changes in our physical and cognitive development as we move into adolescence bring about transformations in our relationships with our family and friends. Adolescence is marked by the desire to gain more independence and a shift away from parental control to self-reliance and autonomy. Social interactions and friendships therefore become a stronger focus for a developing teen. Following years of study and observation of adolescent development, Spano (2004) has identified three stages of transformation: 1.

2.

Early adolescence: At about age 11–14, children begin to experience dramatic physical, mental and emotional changes. While they are still very attached to their parents, they begin to turn to friends and peers for emotional and social support. Many become sensitive about their physical appearance and how they are judged by others. Some begin to take an interest in the opposite sex and desire a romantic relationship. However, most remain in friendship groups or have individual friendship dyads. Mid-adolescence: This falls between ages 15 and 16, and is a short but fastchanging period. In their process of gaining independence, some may experience more parent-teen conflicts and turn more to their friends for new attachment figures from whom they can gain emotional support. While many struggle to understand what their hormones and physical changes are doing to them, some experience strong sexual urges and have intense yearnings to experience love and sexual relationships. However, many of these initial relationships are also

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short-lived and superficial, because these teenagers have not yet gained the maturity they need to appreciate what a loving relationship is about. Late adolescence: At around age 17–21, a young person begins to mature and gain a firmer sense of their own identity. Consequently, they become more thoughtful about their actions and long-term goals. Physical attractiveness is a substantial influence on their self-esteem. They also seek commitment in relationships and have a clear sense of what they want in a romantic partnership.

Social scholars have observed a pattern in the transformation of social relationships amongst teens. Pre-teens move from a same-gender group to a mixed-gender group as they reach mid-adolescence. Most teenagers engage in affiliative activities, e.g. going to parties and on social outings, in a group context. Then they begin to ‘date’ someone from within that group, and finally, they begin to form dyadic romantic relationships. It has also been observed that those who are regarded as ‘popular’ tend to date more than the rest of the group (Connolly et al., 2004; Furman & Hand, 2006). In an earlier study, Carver et al. (2003) similarly reported that 36% of 13-year-olds, 53% of 15-year olds, and 70% of 17-year-olds in their study claimed that they were involved in a ‘romantic relationship’. Collins (2003) defines a romantic relationship as a connection shared between two people with a distinctive intensity of affection and a desire for sexual behaviour. This connection is also marked by the duration of the relationship, the frequency of dating, how the people in the dyad spend time together and what they do, and the cognitive processes (perceptions and self- and other-attributions) and emotional processes (feelings and moods) associated with the relationship. Connolly and Konarski (1994) explain that romantic experiences foster the development of a sense of identity in teenagers. In growing from childhood to adolescence, they have formed different selfschemas of themselves with their general peer group, their close friends and their romantic partners. Adolescents who have experienced positive romantic experiences may think of themselves as attractive and appealing, which increases their selfconfidence and self-esteem, while those who have been through negative romantic experiences may have lower self-regard. Furman and Shaffer (2003) believe that romantic relationships can also have an impact on an adolescent’s identity and sense of sexuality, their transformation of family and peer relationships, their scholastic achievements, and their career planning. Romantic love is associated with a strong feeling of attraction to, fixation on, and fascination with someone. It is accompanied by a fast pounding heart, a feeling of euphoria, and also anxiety. This feeling, called infatuation, gives people an uncontrollable, passionate, obsessive desire to be with the special person, even to the point of becoming totally consumed by the thought of this person. However, many still debate whether infatuation is really love, especially when it happens to young teens. Some social scholars argue that infatuation fades over time once the intensity of the initial magic of physiological and psychological arousal diminishes (Langeslag et al., 2013). When infatuation is strongly associated with sexual desire, it may be called ‘lust’ and in time, one or both parties will find out that their relationship is

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only fuelled by sexual attraction and their desire for sex and physical connection. However, love can also grow from the initial passionate feelings of infatuation. Love requires compassion, a genuine care for the other person, the desire to understand them, a degree of common interests, and an attachment or a special bond with that person. It requires personal maturity, interpersonal skills and communication skills. In a recent conversation with some friends, I collected some anecdotal data on how they described the romantic relationships they had in their late teens. Ronny described himself as a rather manipulative ladies’ man. He had several romantic relationships going on at the same time, and whilst he enjoyed the company of these women, he was distracted from his studies and failed to get into university. Larry told me he had a very demanding girlfriend who was very fashion conscious. On the plus side, Larry improved his dress sense but he also spent a fortune on unnecessary clothing and accessories to please his girlfriend. He soon realised that this superficiality was not part of a genuine relationship and was glad that he met his current, very down-to-earth wife a few years later! Eve stated that she suffered body-image issues because all of the men she went out with adored slender women. She was always hungry and unhappy trying to please these men. Eve commented that her behaviour was a sign of lack of self-respect and self-confidence. Nathan talked about his struggles with his first girlfriend at age 18. He described her as a ‘spoilt princess’ who had a tendency to blow small issues out of proportion. He was glad that they eventually broke up. Nancy reported that she experienced an abusive relationship with her first boyfriend. He was very controlling and verbally abusive, but she was in love with him and could not separate from him. It took her a long time, and a lot of care and support from her family, to break off that relationship. However, it also taught her what to look for in a relationship, and now she is very happily married. Nancy’s story is not unusual. Any young people, both male and female, experience abusive treatment from their partners in their romantic relationships. Murphy (2020) reports that nearly 1.5 million high school students in the US experience dating abuse each year, including emotional, verbal and physical abuse. Only 33% of these teens tell their parents or another adult about it. However, 81% of American parents believe that teen dating violence is not an issue, or admit that they do not know if it is an issue. Many of these abusive behaviours are not recognised by the person on the receiving end (the victim), partly because of a lack of life experience, and partly because some believe that it is normal or feel too ‘in love’ to challenge being treated badly. The most common abusive behaviours described in the literature include: • • • • •

using disrespectful language (swear words, put-down language, bigotry). extreme jealousy or insecurity. explosive outbursts of temper. mood swings (using their moods to control the partner). extreme possessiveness (constantly checking the partner’s calls, social media activities). • dictating the partner’s social activities (who they can and cannot see or connect with).

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• displaying a very domineering behaviour (telling the partner what to do or wear). • psychological abuse (verbal aggression, threats, insults, humiliation). • physical abuse (slapping, pushing, throwing a drink at someone’s face, and other forms of hitting and kicking). Studies have shown that dating abuse and violence amongst young people are prevalent across cultures and nations, and that they seriously affect the mental health of these youngsters (Halpern et al., 2001; Silverman et al., 2004; Tabachnick, 2009). Schools in many developed countries across the globe have put in place child and youth protection policies and relationship education packages to educate high school students about respect and relationships, and to teach young people how to recognise the warning signs of abusive behaviours, what to do and how to handle dangerous situations, and how friends and bystanders can take action to help a victim. Our early experiences in romantic relationships can have ramifications for later love relationships in our adult lives. Parental support is essential to help young teens navigate their social and romantical landscapes as they learn and develop through these relational experiences.

8.6 Young Love and Romantic Relationships for People with Disabilities Young people with disabilities are no different from any other adolescents. They have the same need for love and friendship as all of us. The only difference is that they face more challenges during their journey of growing up and establishing a selfidentity. Despite generations of changes and societal evolution, attitudinal barriers in the form of stereotyping, prejudice and discrimination still exist today. The centuriesold medical model that portrays people with disabilities as ‘sick and needed to be fixed’ still endures, as is demonstrated by the attitude of the general public globally. Although the social model of empowering people with disabilities through social and educational inclusion has been advocated for and endorsed by governments across the globe for nearly half a century, its influence is as yet ineffective and its impact minimal. Social science literature that studies love and marriage amongst people with disabilities remains scarce. Amongst them, Tepper (2000) reported that persons with disability in general face hurdles in finding romance or intimate relationships because of the common myth that people with physical disability are asexual. Miller et al. (2009) also found that a key reason for the challenges faced by individuals with disabilities is that a disabled body may not be aesthetically appealing. A few studies have detected that women with disabilities face double discrimination for this reason. The gender-role dynamics compounded with disability stereotyping have put them in the most marginalised and vulnerable position in terms of both building a career and developing romantic relationships (Beleza, 2003; Mostert, 2016). Women with disability in some African countries, such as Ethiopia, are ill-treated and neglected

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by their families, verbally and physically abused and even raped (Spratt, 2017). A report from the Council of Europe (2003) spells out the fact that many men would never think of having a sexual relationship with a woman with a disability. Recently, Zewude and Habtegiorgis (2021) conducted a study to determine the willingness of young people without disabilities to have romantic and marital relationships with persons with disabilities. Of the 403 participants (202 female, 201 male), 85.5% reported that they would not engage in any romantic or marital relationships with people with disabilities. The reasons for this were: • • • • • • • • •

Fear of their family members’ reactions (44.2%). Fear of the reactions of other members of society (40.03%). Fear that they would not live up to their expected role (34.8%). Fear of passing the disability on to their children (16.5%). No stated reason (15.8%). People with disabilities did not meet their criteria of beauty (13.2%). Belief that a person with disability would be asexual (10.3%). Other reasons (8.1%). Religious reasons (1%).

Although this is just a snapshot of a small group of young people, it does reflect a general view found in most societies across cultures. In another study, Ward et al. (2010) interviewed 47 individuals (22 women, 25 men) with some degree of intellectual disability to learn about their romantic relationships. Of the participants, 83% were single and had never married, and 85% of them reported that they had had experience of romantic relationships (17 people) or were in a romantic relationship with someone at the time of the interview (22 people). Participants reported that they shared strong emotional feelings with their partners. They enjoyed each other’s company and supported each other emotionally and in other areas. Their dating activities included going for walks, watching movies, going out for dinner, and staying at home and enjoying home activities such as playing video games. Some stated that they enjoyed flirting with each other, and engaged in intimate acts including holding each other, kissing and, for a few, having sex. However, 60% (14 women and 10 men) also reported experiencing physical and emotional abuse from previous partners, including name-calling, screaming, yelling, hitting, harassment, threats, denial of food and shelter, financial exploitation, and destruction of property. One even reported being beaten up by his partner’s stepson. Five women reported experiencing forced sexual contact in previous relationships. This is congruent with the findings of previous studies that women with disabilities are more likely to experience sexual abuse than those without disabilities (Armour et al., 2008; Reiter et al., 2007; Sobsey, 1994). In another study, Azzopardi-Lane et al. (2019) found that people with disabilities have the same desire as their counterparts without disability to experience romantic love and relationships, get married, and have a family with children. However, many, especially women, feel that they do not have as many opportunities as their friends to meet someone who will relate to them romantically. Some studies have found

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that young people with disabilities can also be ‘overprotected’ by their parents and carers. At times, this overprotective behaviour becomes a barrier preventing these young people from developing social skills and robbing them of the opportunity to develop more intimate relationships with individuals that they are attracted to (Callus & Bonello, 2017; Debattista, 2015). Azzopardi-Lane et al. (2019) argue that parents should be taught how to strike a balance between protecting their teens from abusive harm in relationships and learning how to empower them to lead a more independent social life. From a personal point of view, as an educator who has worked with young people with disabilities, I have observed that youngsters with mild disabilities of any form usually do not experience as many hurdles in finding love and romance as those with more severe disabilities. Those with vision and hearing impairments, and those with mobility issues, are also often able to find love, get married, and enjoy a fulfilled family life. Some of my previous students have married their schoolmates, who are also visually impaired or have hearing loss, while over half of them married persons without disabilities. In many cases, these couples met through service-related situations, with the non-disabled partner being a volunteer in areas such as academic support or social activities, a nurse or social work professional, or the sibling of a friend with the same disability. But they all have one thing in common: they see the person first, not the disability. It takes a lot of courage to become romantically involved with a person with disabilities. Some have to overcome disapproval from their parents and family, or nasty and discriminatory comments from friends and neighbours. But it is important that persons with any form of disability get the support they need so that they can enjoy the same lives as their non-disabled peers. As educators and parents, we still have a lot to learn, and a lot to do in order to empower them to access and enjoy their basic human rights.

8.7 Friendships, Romantic Relationships and EI EI begins with knowing yourself—being in tune with your own feelings and emotions in different situations. Recognising what triggers unpleasant moods and emotions such as anger, anxiety or fear is the first step in helping yourself to regulate your emotions in times of stress and when dealing with change, and to manage your behaviour. It is an ongoing, lifelong process and it takes time and effort, and a willingness to master the skills involved. But it is worth it. When we are in control of our emotions, we can identify how other people’s emotions affect us. We can learn to read our friends’ emotions better, and perhaps even understand some of the underlying reasons for them. Consequently, we can develop further skills to help manage our emotions in friendships and relationships. When we become more attuned to our own emotions and the emotions of others around us, we can become more mindful of how some of our own emotions and behaviours create barriers in our relationships. We may develop the skills and wisdom

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to ‘hold our tongues’ at times and not voice our opinions so easily, to think about the language we use when communicating with others, and to differentiate real issues from minor annoyances. Empathy is a key element in EI. It is the ability to understand the thoughts and emotions of others. It is about perspective-taking, refraining from judgement and prejudice, and communicating understanding of another person’s emotions. Knowing how to respond to others with empathy is a skill that requires cognitive, emotional and behavioural development. This chapter has given you some data from research studies to illustrate how friendships at different stages of our lives affect our mental and social-emotional health. It also discusses how romance and intimate relationships in adolescence impact the development of future adult love and marital relationships. I hope it will inspire you to think about your own friendships and romantic relationships status, and how you want to strengthen and further develop them. Everyone learns differently. There are numerous checklists and articles available to help you develop or strengthen your self-awareness, self-management, social awareness and relationship management skills. There are also lots of great books on how to develop EI, including practical skills and suggestions. The following list of resources may be helpful.

Resources These scales and assessment tools may help you to improve your self-awareness and reflect on your expectations in your friendships or relationships. Developing Self-Awareness: 1. 2. 3.

4.

Positive Psychology.com: https://positivepsychology.com/building-self-awareness-activities/ Free Management Books: https://free-management-ebooks.tradepub.com/free/w_frec243/prgm.cgi How Self-Aware Are You?: https://p2r.com.au/Resources/P2R%20Coaching%20Tools_How%20SelfAware%20Are%20You%20Quiz.pdf The Self-Awareness Quick Guide: https://ap.themyersbriggs.com/content/Quick_Guides/Self-Awareness_a_q uick_guide.pdf Social-Emotional skills and competence

1.

2.

Social and Emotional Competence Checklist: https://safesupportivelearning.ed.gov/sites/default/files/Building_TSS_Han dout_7_social_and_emotional_competencies.pdf EQ Self-Assessment Checklist: https://achca.memberclicks.net/assets/Convo2 018/1103.Bilson%20EQ%20(1)%20-%20EQ%20Self%20Assessment.pdf

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Love and Relationship scales and checklists 1.

2. 3.

4.

5.

6.

7.

The Passionate Love Scale: http://www.elainehatfield.com/uploads/3/4/5/2/34523593/passionate_love. pdf The Marital Disillusionment Scale: https://www.midss.org/sites/default/files/mds.pdf Arthur Aron ‘Sharing Game’ questions: https://www.coralgablescounseling.com/wp-content/themes/coralgables/ pdf/Arons-36-questions.pdf The Relationship Expectations Questionnaire: https://www.coralgablescounseling.com/wp-content/themes/coralgables/ pdf/Relationship-expectations-questionnaire.pdf Practising Communication with Your Friends or Partners: https://www.coralgablescounseling.com/wp-content/themes/coralgables/ pdf/Practicing-communication-skills.pdf Marriage Satisfaction Scale: https://www.coralgablescounseling.com/wp-content/themes/coralgables/ pdf/Marriage-Satisfaction-Survey.pdf Relationship Assessment Scale: https://fetzer.org/sites/default/files/images/stories/pdf/selfmeasures/Self_M easures_for_General_Relationship_Satisfaction_RELATIONSHIP.pdf

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Chapter 9

Workplace Emotions

9.1 Introduction Emotional Intelligence (EI) is broadly understood in business and professional education literature to be an important element of the interpersonal and intrapersonal skills that help to enhance communication, people management, problem-solving and decision-making in the workplace, at all levels of staff and leadership, whether the workplace is a huge corporation, a bank, a supermarket, a school, a hospital or a small business. This chapter aims to acquaint readers with intriguing research that explores both EI and the broader issue of emotions in the workplace, including workplace stress and conflicts, workplace politics and workplace bullying. It discusses how an increase in EI at both the personal and the organisational level can help to reduce workplace stress, enhance a harmonious emotional climate within an organisation, and enrich workplace and employee’s wellbeing.

9.2 The Importance of EI in the Workplace Emotions affect us in multiple ways: biologically, cognitively, psychologically and behaviourally. Some people interpret emotions as feelings and moods (Parkinson et al., 1996); some believe that they influence our behaviour (Buck, 1993); and some explain them as motivational impulses (Lang, 1995), for example hunger driving a caveman to hunt for food and fear propelling him to build a house for protection. The overlapping definitions of emotion, such as moods, affect, and feelings, appear to be used interchangeably by different authors; however, many argue that they mean different things depending on the context. Goleman (1998) explained that it is important that we understand our emotions and are able to regulate them, especially in the workplace. Goleman’s works ignited a robust interest in industry psychology in identifying how emotions in the workplace affect job performance, and how improved EI can empower an individual to regulate their mood at work, manage their ability to © The Author(s), under exclusive license to Springer Nature Singapore Pte Ltd. 2022 M. Gonzales, Emotional Intelligence for Students, Parents, Teachers and School Leaders, https://doi.org/10.1007/978-981-19-0324-3_9

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think, establish better interpersonal relationships through compassion and empathy, and increase productivity. Carmeli (2003) observed that EI involves a self-awareness and the ability to perceive one’s own strengths and limitations, self-worth and technical and professional capabilities accurately. This self-awareness acts as a core analyst for managing interpersonal relationships and employees’ emotions. Studies have produced evidence that those with high levels of EI tend to make better decisions, work well under pressure, work collaboratively with others to solve problems, support others to achieve personal and team success, and listen, reflect and respond to others in positive ways. Those who are low on EI, in contrast, are more likely to play the role of the victim, refuse to work in a team, have passive or aggressive communication styles, and be overly critical of others and dismiss their opinions (e.g., Petrides & Furnham, 2000; Schaubroeck & Jones, 2000; Zapf et al., 2001). The research works of Goleman (2001) McQueen (2004) and Akerjordet and Severinsson, (2007) found common factors among leaders and staff members who are high in workplace EI. They include: • Self-awareness: the ability to understand one’s own emotions, feelings, moods, strengths and weaknesses, and how these impact one’s ability to work effectively as an individual contributor and as a team member. • Self-regulation: the ability to manage one’s emotions and behaviour in difficult situations, such as by staying calm and composed under pressure and in challenging times. • Other-awareness: the ability to interpret the emotions expressed by others, the empathy to understand others’ difficulties, having a sense of the mood and pace of the workplace emotional climate and having the ability to maintain a good balance in workplace relationships. • Motivation: the ability to drive oneself (and lead others) to set and achieve goals and achieve success. • Impulse control: the ability to control one’s urge to do something impulsively, and instead take time to think about a proper response, even in pressing and challenging situations. • Flexibility: the ability to modify one’s emotions and behaviours to suit changing situations and work requirements. • Optimism: the ability to maintain a positive outlook even in uncertain times and to work through ambiguity, especially in meeting business and work demands. • Conflict management: the ability to handle, manage, negotiate and resolve interpersonal or organisational conflicts with clarity and composure. • Teamwork capabilities: the ability to think as part of a team, to understand the team’s frame of mind and work through individual differences to achieve team goals and establish team synergy. Today, the complexity of the world’s demands and the fast-paced changes to society can overwhelm us. Many of us feel confused and bewildered by the excess of input from different aspects of our lives. EI can facilitate our capacity for empathy, reasoning, motivation and resilience, and give us the ability to make sense of this

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crazy world and its perplexing demands on us. When we work to develop and increase our EI, we will be better equipped to communicate more effectively, to understand others better and handle stress better, and will have an increased ability to navigate a plethora of social situations and work conflicts. The benefits and values of EI are immense in terms of both personal and professional success. It is a core competence that we need to develop to protect ourselves from both real and imagined threats that are harmful to our physical and mental health. Having strong EI will help us to cope with a range of challenges and stress (Bar-on, 2001). The interest in emotional intelligence in the workplace stems from the widespread recognition that these abilities—self-awareness, self-management, empathy and social skill—separate the most successful workers and leaders from the average. This is especially true in roles like the professions and higher-level executives, where everyone is about as smart as everyone else, and how people manage themselves and their relationships gives the best and edge (Goleman, 2019). To increase our EI in the workplace, we must be aware of and understand the relationship between it and our emotions. Studies of emotions in the workplace have grown exponentially during the last two decades, as demonstrated in the tremendous surge in business literature and organisational psychology research articles being published. For example, Frost (2003) indicated that discontented employees tend to disconnect from their work and workplace, resulting in a lower sense of workplace commitment and a decrease in job performance. Employees who are passionate about their work and devoted to their workplace, in contrast, go the extra mile. Allen and Meyer (1990) identified work commitment as having three components. These are: • Affective commitment: People who have affection for their job form an emotional attachment to their workplace (organisation) and the work they do. They identify with the goals and values of the organisation, and they genuinely want to be there and contribute their best to the workplace. • Continuance commitment: This refers to the need to remain in the same state. Some people are committed to their job because they need it for monetary purpose (salary and benefits), for professional recognition (while working in an esteemed organisation or a role with an important status) or for the social contacts and relationships that they have established throughout the years. • Normative commitment: This refers to a sense of obligation that can stem from being brought up to value loyalty, or feeling a strong sense of gratitude because the organisation has invested heavily in a person’s education and growth, privileges and benefits (e.g., paying for children’s tuition, a company car, a housing allowance, etc.), or gratitude to the business owner or top-level management. These three types of commitment are not mutually exclusive, but can be experienced simultaneously to varying degrees. Knowing about the passion we have for our work and understanding the different levels of commitment we feel towards our workplace can help us to realise what is important to us and to our work lives. Likewise, when the leaders of an organisation understand the different levels of commitment among their employees, they can identify gaps that cause employees to disconnect and develop ways to motivate them, provide needed development or inspire and coach them.

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There is now an abundance of business literature showing that EI matters in the workplace. Business schools and professional agencies are teaching business executives how to boost their EI in order to increase their people and relationship skills and better manage their staff. However, some models may be oversimplified and vague, focusing mainly on the ‘what’ (e.g., what is workplace EI?) and not the ‘how’ (e.g., how do I develop EI?). In 2003, Ashkanasy developed a 5-level model to elaborate how one can understand workplace emotions from multiple perspectives. The five levels include: 1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

Within-person level: This involves individuals being aware of their own emotions, how their emotional states and situational influences (events) affect their moods and behaviour, and how these, in turn, affect their work and job performance. Between-person level: This involves an understanding of individual differences between co-workers. It includes their affective commitment, job satisfaction, personality traits, burnout points and how they impact interpersonal relationships. It takes account of the level of EI shown by the individuals involved, and how well they can perceive, understand and manage their own and other’s moods and emotions. Interpersonal-interaction level: This includes how one manages emotions when communicating and relating to others. It encompasses how emotions are displayed and felt. It requires individuals to understand the emotional exchange in interactions, and the emotional labour involved (emotional labour is the process of managing one’s emotions and feelings as a requirement of a job—for example, shop assistants and waiting staff having to smile while serving their customers and not react with anger or impatience when the customer is annoying or unreasonable). Group level: This requires an understanding of the affective composition of the group, and of emotional contagion (e.g., how someone being depressed or angry can induce a similar emotional reaction in others in a group through their body language, facial expressions and choice of words). It also includes the influence of leader-member exchanges and interactions, and the EI levels of group members. Organisation-wide level: This includes an understanding of the organisation’s policies, requirements for emotional labour, stress and wellbeing, and emotional climate and culture (i.e., the general atmosphere of the organisation—whether it is a cheerful organisation with an optimistic and supportive culture, or a gloomy and pessimistic, hierarchical culture where everyone is struggling for power).

Workplace EI can be learned and mastered when staff members are given appropriate development and education. However, it is not as easy as many bloggers make it out to be. David Caruso, a management psychologist at Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence, has pointed out that it is a misconception that EI can be easily learned. It requires deep understanding, a wide scope of organisational knowledge and a range of skills (Caruso & Salovey, 2004). The following sections will define EI in the context of the workplace, and use research data and evidence-based approaches

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to look at how we can develop needed EI capabilities for self-improvement and to improve the wellbeing of our co-workers and staff in the workplace.

9.3 Workplace Stress and Conflicts Workplace stress and conflicts exist everywhere. Improving our EI can help us to manage stress, empathise with others, build strong relationships and achieve goals. When we have a clearer understanding of the different angles of workplace stress and conflict, we can assess and affect situations and relationships more effectively, be more able to cope with demands and work pressure, and be better able to navigate and negotiate these workplace challenges. Workplace stress is defined as adverse physical or mental reactions towards tension in the workplace. It has become a big concern in many advanced societies and has been proven to have harmful impacts on both employees and employers (Ahmed et al., 2020). Workplace stress occurs when individuals face work demands that do not match their capabilities and knowledge, or when work pressures exceed their ability to operate effectively. Social and environmental factors in the workplace can also contribute to workplace stress (Semmer, 2007). A 2007 Australian study commissioned by Medibank found that unhealthy employees take nine times more sick leave than healthy workers, while healthy employees are three times more productive than their unhealthy counterparts (Australian Safety & Compensation Council, 2007). Employees are often exposed to different issues that cause stress, and chronic job stress can lead to workplace and organisational ineffectiveness, which in turn causes low productivity and poor-quality work, increases accidents, risks and high staff turnover, and leads to complaints from clients and customers. A 2007 World Health Organization (WHO) report identified three key issues that can lead to workplace stress: 1.

2. 3.

Physical issues: This is caused by heavy workloads resulting in physical exhaustion that hinders concentration and clear thinking, and leads to other physical sicknesses. Ethical issues: This is caused by conflicts or misunderstandings that arise due to poor communication. Role-related issues: This is caused by an employee having to take up multiple roles or change roles frequently. It can also include work-life imbalance when employees struggle to manage both work and family demands.

Helpguide, a not-for-profit Californian organisation which supports the mental health of the American public, had also identified common stressors in the workplace (2021). These include: • The physical environment: noise and overcrowding, health and safety risks, and ergonomic factors such as office furniture and use of computers.

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• Work factors: unreasonable performance demands, excessive work hours. • Organisational practices: poor communication, lack of autonomy, unclear roles and responsibilities. • Workplace change: job insecurity, lack of opportunities for promotion, high staff turnover. • Relationships: poor interpersonal relationships, office politics, poor supervisorstaff relationships, bullying or harassment, excessive competition and conflict. A stressful work environment can cause health problems such as headaches, sleep disturbances, short tempers and poor concentration, and lead to anxiety, insomnia, high blood pressure and weakened immune systems. Compounding the problem, people who experience excessive stress often deal with it in unhealthy ways, such as smoking, overeating, eating unhealthy foods or drinking excessive alcohol, resulting in obesity, heart diseases and mental health issues. WHO (2007) has pinpointed three ways to prevent and manage workplace stress: 1.

2. 3.

Primary prevention: This refers to reducing stress through better ergonomics and environmental design, to create a more comfortable workplace environment, and paying attention to organisational and management development. Secondary prevention: This refers to reducing stress by providing education, training and development to both workers and leaders. Tertiary prevention: This refers to developing sensitive and responsive management systems to enhance occupational health.

At the individual level, employees can reduce their stress by being self-aware of their needs, strengths, and limitations, and identifying ways to seek help when they feel stressed. They can develop healthy lifestyle habits and take regular exercise and relaxation. Workwise, the individual can also take a proactive stance and: • create a balanced schedule by managing their time and priorities purposefully, • plan short, regular breaks to relax and recharge in order to be more productive, • be mindful not to over-commit, and break large projects into small steps to avoid becoming overwhelmed, • delegate responsibility and build trust and collaboration with others, and • communicate to make their needs known and seek help when necessary. • Stress management techniques can be taught to staff members and leaders to build a healthy emotional climate in the organisation.

9.3.1 Workplace Conflicts Conflicts occur naturally in all human interactions. Workplace conflict can arise when there are disagreements, differences of opinion, clashes of beliefs and priorities, competition for resources, personality differences, perceived incompatibility, disrespect, discrimination and injustice. The consequences of conflict can impact organisations and workplaces in different ways. Poorly managed conflict can be

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costly in both human and financial terms; it can result in wasted time and resources and shape counterproductive workplace behaviour, which can lead to unnecessary costs such as health-related problems or even litigation. At the personal level, workplace conflict can cause emotional exhaustion, which affects attitudes and staff morale, resulting in lower job satisfaction and job performance. Consequently, it can negatively impact the emotional climate of the workplace, causing decreased levels of trust, cooperation and collegial support, while also increasing the level of collective work stress, tension and even aggression (Jaramillo et al., 2011; Liu et al., 2014). While conflict generally has negative connotations, numerous scholars in organisational studies have analysed the causes and consequences of workplace conflicts and identified some constructive elements of such discords (e.g., Chan et al., 2008; Epitropaki & Martin, 2005; Hullman, 2004). They found that through conflict, people can learn to see different perspectives and the pros and cons of different viewpoints. When handled and managed positively and effectively, workplace conflicts can therefore actually enhance decision-making, inspire creativity, increase group unity and cooperation, increase respect and improve future communication. Other writers (e.g., Bano & Pierce, 2013; Vue et al., 2017) have also indicated that differences in personalities, and the perceptions that individuals have of their co-workers’ behaviour, can also impact the frequency of workplace conflicts. From time to time we all experience tension and discomfort when working with people who appear to be ‘difficult’ and unpleasant to work with. Some of them may behave in ways that are strongly associated with their personalities at all times, while others may behave differently with different people and in different circumstances. These ‘difficult people’—some of whom we have probably all encountered in our work lives now and again, may include : • the backstabber, who puts on a friendly face but secretly undermines others with malicious gossip and rumours. • the busybody, who loves to meddle in other people’s business and eavesdrop on everything so as to gain power by ‘knowing everything in the workplace’. • the complainer, who usually plays the victim by complaining a lot and offering very little. • the yes-person, who grovels to upper management and tends to over-promise and under-deliver. • the no-person, who refuses to cooperate for a variety of different excuses. • the harasser, who personally attacks co-workers and tries to set others up to fail in order to impress the boss. Do bear in mind that we all have a tendency to judge and quickly categorise people into stereotypes! How these distinct judgements come together to form an overall impression of someone is a very subjective process that can be affected by numerous variables, including our own personal traits, our past experiences, and our expectations of the person we are judging. Bano and Pierce (2013) argue that our behaviour is motivated by our physical and psychological needs and wants, and an innate desire for balance. To be able to work

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with these ‘difficult’ people, it is important to first understand their quest for balance. What do they want? Why are they behaving the way they do? It is easier said than done, but if we begin by looking at the behaviour and not the person, we can learn to think about them differently and adopt a positive attitude, and make the necessary change we desire. Again, self-awareness and other-awareness play an essential part in handling ‘difficult’ people. Keep track of your emotions (e.g., excitement, unease, frustration, disappointment) associated with specific uncomfortable incidents—for example, when you feel you are being disrespected or criticised publicly, rejected offensively, ignored or excluded, or betrayed. You may observe that your responses to these events can vary based on your frame of mind at a certain time, or on a certain day, or if the circumstances surrounding the situation are different. Acknowledge these emotions and identify their triggers. What particular actions or behaviours from other people will trigger these emotions (e.g., I feel angry when...I feel frustrated when...)? Developing mindfulness skills can help you become more self-aware and in tune with your feelings, and to understand what triggers them. This way, you can find helpful ways to cope, or strategies to resolve the conflict. Communication is key to all human relationships. Whether you are a supervisor, the CEO, or a junior assistant in a workplace, having good communication skills will take you far in achieving your goals. Pretending that workplace conflict or harassment does not matter and trying to avoid facing these challenges, on the other hand, will only make things worse. Goleman (2019) states that managers and supervisors who are high in EI and trained in conflict resolution skills are able to minimise organisational and workplace conflict. Some of the techniques involved in doing this are: • facilitating face-to-face meetings with the conflicting parties to identify problems and resolve them through open discussion. • creating shared goals that cannot be attained without the cooperation of the conflicting parties. • ensuring that resources are equally available to all and shared evenly. • facilitating understanding between the conflicting parties and playing down their differences while stressing their common interests. • helping the conflicting parties to make compromises to reach a satisfactory outcome. • using formal authority where necessary to communicate a desire for the conflict to be resolved and to resolve it. At the organisational level, management can put in place policies and procedures to create constructive norms to address team and interpersonal conflicts (Gosline & Stallworth, 2001). These strategies can include: • providing multiple options for employees to raise and address conflicts. • supporting confidentiality and safety. • incorporating systemic structures and support that coordinate access to and use of various options to address conflict.

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• providing all staff with training and development in understanding conflicts and conflict resolution, and negotiation skills. • employing an integrated conflict management system to prevent, manage and resolve conflict that focuses on not only solving but also preventing conflicts. When organisations are able to put in place systems to help staff and workers deal with conflicts, it will not only increase organisational efficiency and workplace justice, but also build a more harmonious and optimistic emotional climate in the workplace.

9.4 The Emotional Climate of the Workplace Our jobs are not just a source of income but a source of purpose and meaning; they provide us with a social identity, satisfaction and contentment, a sense of belonging and a sense of community. Every workplace has its own culture and emotional climate. This refers to the values and purpose of the organisation and the workforce as a whole—their attitudes, commitments, interpersonal communications and relationships. Within the workplace culture there is an element of emotional temperature. Are the people in the workplace generally optimistic, cheerful, helpful, supportive and positive, or are they mostly gloomy, grouchy and irritable? Emotionality and rationality coexist in a workplace. Of course, there are up days when the majority of the workplace is filled with high energy, and down days when it is filled with a misty gloom and undercurrents of anger and impatience, and people are irritated with each other. As early as the 1900s, sociologist Emile Durkheim noticed that people shared emotions as a group (Lukes, 1972). He postulated that we humans exist with two consciousnesses: an individual consciousness, which is about our individuality and uniqueness, and a collective consciousness, which is about the values, beliefs and ideas common to a group or society. He described this shared consciousness as ‘the spirit of the people’. Subsequent scholastic writing has elaborated on this shared feeling—collective emotions—and began to investigate how such emotions affect the individual’s emotions (e.g., Bar-Tal et al., 2007; Goldenberg et al., 2014; Von Scheve & Salmela, 2014). From these discussions, we have learned that there are two types of collective emotion: non-group-based emotions (e.g., when the passengers on a bus become angry with the reckless driving of the bus driver), and group-based emotions (e.g., when women in the #metoo movement shared the same sentiment over sexual harassment). Non-group-based emotions are shared by multiple people who are not related. They are common sentiments: for example, fear caused by the COVID-19 pandemic or grief caused by the death of a popular celebrity (e.g., Mother Teresa, Princess Diana). Group-based emotions describe the feelings of people who share a similar identity (such feelings can include national pride, negative emotions due to racial discrimination, shared joy at achieving the most Olympic gold medals, etc.). And emotions are contagious. When you walk into the workplace and are welcomed by

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smiling faces and friendly greetings, it will most certainly lift your mood, whereas if you walk in and everyone is sleepy and dull, it might dim your enthusiasm and pretty soon you will find yourself yawning and feeling lethargic too. When we are more attuned to how emotional contagion affects us in the workplace, we can help to lift the mood, keep the emotional temperature in the positive range and raise workplace performance. Leaders who are aware of how emotions affect the workplace will be mindful of how they impact both individuals and work teams, and might consider elevating the importance of positive human qualities like empathy, compassion, kindness, respect, patience, understanding, honesty, trust and forgiveness in the work organisation. Workplaces, large or small, need to put in place support mechanisms to enhance a supportive social and emotional climate in the workplace, and reduce stress, conflicts and tensions. This requires skills and development both for leaders (small business owners, HR professionals, departmental leaders) and staff members at different levels through onboarding training and ongoing development programs. Strong interpersonal relationships will support individuals in a workplace to become more resilient, knowing that they are trusted, valued and supported. To build a high-performing workplace, leaders must realise that employees need to find their work fulfilling and know that they are appreciated. The workplace atmosphere and the physical environment that the employer or team leaders create, and the relationships they build, are vital for this. It can be done by: • • • • • • • • • • • • •

creating a strong sense of the team and a clear sense of belonging. creating a culture of support and friendliness. discouraging gossip and unnecessary comments about personal issues. giving employees choices and empowering them to work alone or collaboratively on individual or group initiatives. helping employees feel connected and informed through both formal and informal communication. being clear about the roles and responsibilities of individuals and teams, and avoiding excessive multitasking and cognitive overload. providing breaks and break areas so that employees can manage their sensory stimulation, keep calm and connect with others for social support. developing skills in giving positive feedback. developing skills in receiving feedback as a learning process. encouraging creativity, teamwork and collaboration. organising recreational sport teams to enhance bonding outside work. organising after-work interest groups (e.g., music or creative performance groups, book clubs). celebrating! Having regular fun sessions to celebrate success and other important workplace and social events (e.g., birthdays, sales target achievements, etc.).

Emotions play a significant role in the workplace. Employees’ performance, decisions and actions are linked to emotions at the personal, interpersonal and group levels. A positive workplace climate will help to promote workplace wellbeing and organisational growth.

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9.5 Workplace Politics Workplace politics, more commonly known as ‘office politics’ to many, appear to be a taboo in most people’s mind—something to be frowned upon. In organisational and business literature, the term ‘workplace politics’ has multiple definitions. They include: • the unwritten rules that determine who gets what, when, and how in an organisation (Laswell & Blumenstock, 1939). • a manifestation of social influences processes that are prevalent to organisational life (Gotsis & Kortezi, 2010). • a natural social process, which can be positive or negative, to influence decisionmaking, communication and innovation (Hochwarter, 2012). • necessary practices for building and using relationships, building personal reputation, controlling decisions and resources, and influencing decision-making and interpersonal and organisational communications (Landells & Albrecht, 2017).

9.5.1 Harmful Workplace Politics In past decades, researchers have studied workplace politics and employee engagement from different angles and established different theories to explain such practices. These include the demand-control theory (Karasek, 1979), the person-environment fit theory (Caplan, 1987), the conservation of resources theory (Hobfoll, 1989), the effort-reward imbalance theory (Siegrist, 2001) and the appraisal theory (Troup & Dewe, 2002). Findings from these and many other related studies unearthed the point that despite the predominant view that workplace politics are harmful and have negative outcomes for both the organisation and individuals, they can be used in positive ways to benefits employees and achieve organisational outcomes. However, studies have also provided evidence that a highly political environment can cause low employee job satisfaction, inadequate commitment, low productivity and even detrimental organisational behaviour (Chang et al., 2009; Ferris et al., 2002). Forms of office ‘dirty politics’, include tactics such as manipulation, backstabbing, undermining others and putting them down, passing the buck, taking credit for groups’ or other employees’ achievements, blaming, gossiping and passing rumours to destroy another’s reputation and trustworthiness (Byrne et al., 2017; Chang et al., 2009; Kahn, 1990; Li et al., 2014). Some people use gossip as a political tactic for selfserving purposes, by making harmful comments to devalue others and ensuring that they spread like wildfire. McAndrews et al. (2007) found that high-status managers and work supervisors are usually the targets for negative gossip, and Ellwardt et al. (2012) echoed this claim, adding that many target them due to their distrust of people in management positions. Brady et al. (2017) state that gossips normally spread rumours about their supervisors and co-workers behind their backs for different reasons, such as envy, competition, revenge or a sense of insecurity. Workplace

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gossip is frequently viewed as a harmful form of office politics, as it breaks down trust between employees and their supervisors, undermines individuals, groups and corporate governance, strains the ethical values of the workplace, and consequently decreases staff motivation, interpersonal relationships and staff morale (Grosser et al., 2002). Some studies define workplace politics as becoming harmful when staff members or leaders in management use them for self-serving purposes, without regard for the wellbeing of others or the organisation (Kacmar & Baron, 1999). Regardless, when the workplace becomes too political, employees’ stress levels will rise, and as a result, their engagement and productivity will drop (Byrne et al., 2017; Hakanen et al., 2006). Power—the ability to influence someone in order to achieve goals—is important for some individuals. Some people engage in harmful politics to manipulate others so they can gain power and be seen as superior or as an esteemed leader, or to defeat an opponent or competitor, win a project or attain a position of greater authority (Yulk, 1989). Others consciously or unconsciously use politics to sabotage group or organisational outcomes due to fear of the unknown, increased psychological strain caused by workplace stress and workload demands, or perceptions of unfair treatment (Chang, et al., 2009). Some people are driven by specific personality traits such as aggressiveness, competitiveness, and the need to control and dominate (Wakou et al., 2003). Bad workplace politics tend to arise when there is excessive competition at the top, when the organisation structure is complex (e.g., when a team of employees has to report to two or three different bosses), when there are limited resources within the organisation, when jobs are at risk (e.g., in a threatening climate like an economic downturn or a global pandemic), when top management levels are rigid and fail to lead necessary change to meet changes in the work environment, and especially when interpersonal relationships are weak. In a workplace riddled with harmful workplace politics, where the executives are predominantly focused on increasing their power or plumping up their wallets, one can see ongoing power struggles and power plays taking place. In these toxic workplaces, management and team leaders have a ‘my way or the highway’ attitude and seldom consider employees’ personal or family issues. Supervisors pay more attention to what employees do wrong than what they do right, and problems automatically trigger a search for a scapegoat. Internal conflicts are common and entire departments might be at war with other departments within the organisation. Gossip, putdowns and backstabbing are common among co-workers, and people talk to management only if it is absolutely necessary. Unfortunately, such hellish workplaces do exist, including in big corporations and government organisations such as hospitals, schools and social services departments. To survive such harmful workplaces, individuals need to be emotionally adept— to be able to manage their own emotions as well as those of the people around them. When we are high on self-awareness and self-management skills, and have the capability to negotiate challenging situations using increased social awareness and relationship management skills, we become able to ignore ignorant remarks and focus on important work goals. When we are empathetic and compassionate, we can

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lend an ear to our colleagues to help them overcome the harshness of a brutal work culture, or even take a step further and help to create a changed culture, especially if we hold a leadership position.

9.5.2 Helpful Workplace Politics Recent organisational studies have produced evidence that not all workplace politics are bad. In fact, some claim that when they are aligned with the organisation’s goals and ethics, effective workplace politics can be helpful in improving decision-making, communication and innovation in the organisation, enhancing career advancement and organisational change (Vigoda-Gadaot & Kapun, 2005), and increasing collaboration and trust (Kurchner-Hawkins & Miller, 2006). Low (2009, 2011) points out that instead of avoiding workplace politics, organisations can benefit teaching their staff to harness positive politics to build a positive organisational culture. Good politics involve advancing one’s interests without neglecting other people’s rights and the organisation’s legitimate interests. Today, effective organisations value individuals who are politically savvy—those who can get things done with others by understanding interpersonal dynamics, the political roles people play in the organisation, and their own and others’ political behaviours and attitudes. Ferris et al. (2002) have indicated that a person who is competent at workplace politics can enhance job performance and build a cohesive and trusting organisation/workplace. They pointed out four key skills necessary to build political savvy: 1. 2.

3.

4.

Social intelligence: This involves being self-aware and other-aware, and having the ability to see how others see you and how your behaviour impact them. Social and relational influence: This involves understanding the needs and wants of employees and having the ability to communicate with them and align organisational goals to match their abilities and agendas. Networking capability: This involves having the ability to form mutually beneficial relationships with a range of diverse people. It is the ability to relate to both friends and foes so to establish constructive connections, enhance cooperation and reduce opposition. Sincerity and authenticity: This involves building trust with people and presenting a responsible image that is representative of your true self.

Whether one is a leader or a just a cog in a larger organisation, it is important to be attuned to organisational politics. Some people are naturally alert to their environment and are able to see around corners and over the horizon. They know where the power lies, and understand how to leverage it to achieve goals. This political shrewdness is constructive when it is used to achieve organisational agendas and goals. However, when it becomes self-serving with egotistic motives, then it can be harmful both to the individual and to the workplace.

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9.5.3 Perceptions of Workplace Politics Every individual has his or her own perception of reality. Our perception of workplace politics is therefore filtered through our lenses of past experience, thoughts and values. This perception is heightened when people experience high levels of stress due to excessive workplace politics that can cause employee burnout and high turnover (Chang et al., 2009; Tong et al., 2015), and workplace politics have been cited in numerous workforce surveys as one of the least enjoyable aspects of organisational life (Bruzzese, 2014; Gallup, 2015). However, Witt et al. (2000) have indicated that the way one perceives workplace politics is more important than the actual presence of the workplace politics and climate themselves. Employee perceptions of workplace politics are usually negative; they are perceived as being inherently unfair because they imply a lack of meritocracy, the presence of favouritism and in-groups, power struggles, personal animosities, egos and ambitions, and power that is retained in the hands of only a top few (Ferris & Kacmar, 1992). Ferris et al. (2000) indicate that perceptions of organisational politics are associated with how people perceive the intent behind their co-workers’ or supervisors’ behaviours, especially if they are regarded as self-serving rather than other-serving or organisation-serving. In a work environment that is highly politically charged, employees who perceive workplace politics to be stressful, ambiguous and frustrating may leave the organisation. Some may remain but take care not to become involved in the politics, while others may attempt to engage in political activities in order to gain some control over the workplace environment. Employees caught in a highly political workplace soon learn to cope by engaging in political behaviour such as ingratiation and grovelling to gain favour from supervisors and upper management, and scholars in organisational studies have found that in highly politicised workplaces, employees coping with uncertainty and lack of control would betray their own moral values, commitment and loyalty to pursuit their own interest and secure their survival in the organisation (Low, 2011). In contrast, some researchers have found that employees with high moral efficacy showed minimal fear of their own interests being undermined by adverse political behaviour. This illustrates that if employees’ perceptions of the organisational environment are positive, then they will maintain good relationships with the organisation and continue to show good organisational citizenship behaviour (Purba et al., 2015). Several scholars have found that people with a positive mindset are able to respond to workplace politics with a confident and constructive voice, and counter personal and career risks in such unhealthy work environments (Burris, 2012). While many hold the belief that it is unsafe to express their grievances or objections to unfair practices in the workplace, as it might negatively affect their status and career outcomes (Detert & Edmondson, 2011), those who are willing to voice their opinions are able to gain more support from the organisation (Burris, 2012; Li et al, 2014). EI in the workplace involves having an awareness of how the political climate affects one’s own emotions and those of others. This means, in addition to selfawareness (how you respond to workplace politics) and other-awareness (how other

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people are mutually influencing each other with their political behaviour), one must also develop an awareness of the political environment in the workplace. By paying attention to acquiring insight, knowledge, tools and wisdom to help you navigate the political territory effectively, you will be able to navigate tricky circumstances, manage delicate workplace relationships and stay true to your moral values. This can be achieved by developing an understanding of the organisation hierarchy and mapping the political power and influence to find out who the real influencers are, how they exercise their power and influence, and how they communicate and relate to others (in both positive and negative ways). It is helpful to pay attention to how people interact in order to understand formal and informal work and social networks. Many non-business professionals such as teachers and nurses may not have heard of or know about stakeholder analysis and stakeholder management. Being aware of who the stakeholders are in your workplace will help you to remove barriers and enhance your work projects and initiatives, and give you more resources to support your work. Ignoring workplace politics is a naïve choice, because someday you may fall victim to self-serving persons, but this does not mean you have to take sides and become ‘one of them’. Stay true to your course and do not let political dramas divide you from your co-workers. Be brave and stand by your values. Be decisive, and make sure not to develop double standards. Speak honestly and maintain your trustworthiness. Dare to make things happen and advocate for change. And as the old saying goes: have the serenity to accept things you cannot change, the courage to change the things you can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Find support from other people outside the workplace. Seek advice and coaching if need be. Stay positive.

9.6 Workplace Bullying Over the last two decades, research into workplace bullying has grown exponentially, with data showing a prevalence of workplace bullying across the world and illustrating that such occurrences are not only harmful to employees’ health but can be crippling to businesses and organisations (e.g., Einarsen & Nielsen, 2015; Fevre et al., 2010). Research interest in workplace bullying grew from the work of Heinz Leymann in Scandinavia in the 1980s; Leymann described such behaviour as ‘mobbing’, illustrating a victim who was mistreated by a group and left feeling isolated, unsupported, or discriminated against (Leymann, 1996). Subsequent writers collected more data on the subject of workplace bullying, and referred these actions as ‘workplace incivility’, ‘workplace aggression’ and ‘emotional abuse in the workplace’ (Keashly & Jagatic, 2003). Workplace bullying threatens the psychological safety of employees and affects their work-life quality, leading to reduced job satisfaction and lowering their productivity and efficiency.

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9.6.1 What is Workplace Bullying? Authors of studies on workplace bullying have given different definitions of workplace bullying across the years in the millennium. These definitions include: • emotional abuse and mistreat of employees, primarily at the hands of supervisors, but also including peer bullying (Einarsen & Mikkelsen, 2003). • a series of escalating and persistent negative events that result in social exclusion and harassment of an individual, while at the same time undermining their personal and professional reputation in the workplace (Salin, 2003). • an extreme psychosocial risk at work, in which a number of negative behaviours such as the withholding of information that affects performance, the spreading of rumours, social isolation and verbal abuse are frequently and persistently directed over time at one individual employee (Einarsen et al., 2011). • a subjective perception by the victims that the repeated acts directed at them are hostile, humiliating and intimidating (Einarsen et al., 2011). • the prolonged and repeated exposure to negative, degrading or offending acts at work, against which targets find it difficult to defend themselves (Hogh et al., 2016). Workplace bullying is prevalent globally. In Australia, there are anti-bulling laws in place to protect workers. Here is an example of how workplace bullying is defined in the Australian legal context: • Workplace bullying means any behaviour that is repeated, systematic and directed towards an employee or group of employees that a reasonable person, having regard to the circumstances, would expect to victimise, humiliate, undermine or threaten and which creates a risk to health and safety. (Australian Occupational Health, Safety and Welfare Act, 1986 (Section 19)) • Unreasonable and inappropriate workplace behaviour, which comprise behaviour which intimidates, offends, degrades, insults or humiliates an employee possibly in front of co-workers, client or customers, and which includes physical or psychological behaviour. (Law Society of New South Wales, Australia, 2004, p. 6) • A worker is bullied at work when another individual or groups of individuals repeatedly behave unreasonably towards the worker and that behaviour creates a risk to health and safety. (Australian Fair Work Act, 2009, amended in 2014, p. 6, Section 789FD-1)

9.6.2 Factors Contributing to Workplace Bullying In the literature, workplace bullying is generally described from the individual and organisational perspectives. Many scholars identify personality characteristics as a factor that allows individuals to fall victim to workplace bullying, and the evidence

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suggests that people who are shy, anxious or sensitive, those with low social skills, and those who appear to be neurotic, submissive and non-controversial are more likely to become targets of bullying (e.g., Coyne et al., 2003; Einarsen et al., 2011). Contrarily, other scholars have found that personality has little to do with one being targeted for workplace bullying, and maintain that people who are skilled in social competence, self-reflection and perspective-taking are more likely to overcome bullying behaviours directed towards them (e.g., Matthiessen & Einarsen, 2010; Zapf et al., 2001). At the organisational level, researchers found that organisations with complex structures, authoritative hierarchies and predefined power structures influenced the way jobs are conceived and designed, and provide conducive environments and conditions for workplace bullying (Apaydin, 2012; Ngale, 2016; Rockett et al., 2017). Chappell and Di Martino (2006) proposed a work environment approach to understanding workplace bullying, and identified several risk factors. These include: • Contextual risk factors: globalisation, job insecurity, team diversity and technology change can contribute to competition, disagreement and workplace conflicts. • Organisational level risk factors: organisational hierarchy, leadership, reward systems, bureaucracy, maintenance of tradition, and organisational change. • Task-level risk factors: role conflict, low autonomy, high workload, job ambiguity, lack of skill utilisation, monotonous tasks, forced cooperation and lack of goal clarity. • Societal risk factors: negative culture and values, increased intolerance of aggression. When leaders in the organisation are aware of these risk factors, they can put in place measures to prevent the practice of bullying in the workplace, reduce stress and deescalate conflict, and build a more harmonious workplace climate and a cooperative culture free from bullying.

9.6.3 Why Do People Bully? Workplace bullying can take place in a downward direction (from supervisors to their staff), an upward one (from staff to their supervisors), or a horizontal one (from peers to co-workers). A broad variety of motives and reasons for it have been discovered by researchers. Disturbingly, numerous studies have shown that bullying behaviours were learned at school and brought forward into the workplace. This evidence points to the fact that many workplace bullies were either bullies or victims of bullies at school (Brotheridge & Lee, 2010; Lereya et al., 2015; Magee et al., 2015; Peskin at al., 2006). Some scholars have opined that perpetrators bully because they feel insecure, and are driven by envy and jealousy that their targets are smarter and more competent than them. Many are fearful of losing authority and respect because they

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feel less knowledgeable or experienced than their targets, or have other self-serving interests (Glambek et al., 2014; Park & Ono, 2016). Organisational culture can play a huge role in condoning workplace bullying. When organisations fail to acknowledge bullying and instead see it as ‘firm management’, they condone a cultural norm of tolerance for aggression and dominance, and in some cases, victims who complain and witnesses supporting them are punished instead. Luckily, many negative and abusive workplace interactions, traditionally approved of in the past, are now considered to be improper, unethical and abusive, and are guarded against by legal policies designed to protect the welfare of workers and employees (Escartín et al., 2011; Han & Ha, 2016). Yet such toxic cultures still exist all over the world, in professional institutions such as universities, in the health profession, and in governments. Scholars have expressed regret that to date, not enough is known to be able to explain why such practices still exist, and called for further in-depth investigation into cultural factors to better understand workplace bullying (Anderson & Bushman, 2002; Hollis, 2017). However, it is increasingly being recognised that bullying can have legal consequences for organisations. In many advanced countries, governments are taking action to protect the wellbeing of employees by advising organisations and supporting them in raising awareness of and understand what workplace bullying looks like and how to handle it. Some of this advice includes raising awareness at all levels of staff and leadership, putting in place policies and grievance procedures to provide support for victims of bullying, and providing training and development to educate staff on how to manage conflict and develop better communication, anger management, stress management, diversity management, emotional regulation and work-life balance strategies. Empathy is a major part of EI. It refers to our ability to sense and feel the emotions, thoughts and perspectives of others. When everyone in the organisation has developed boosted EI, the workplace will be more understanding and tolerant and this may decrease the occurrence of workplace bullying.

9.7 Workplace Wellbeing Workplace wellbeing is about how employees and workers feel about their work, their work environment and their relationships with the people they work with. For large organisations and small businesses to thrive, they need employees who are productive and motivated and who feel safe at and secure about their jobs. Leaders and management therefore need to ensure that their employees and workers are healthy, safe, engaged and satisfied with their work and workplace. Workplace wellbeing is necessary to help employees deal with challenges, weather storms, minimise stress and manage their mental health. It is paramount to reducing and preventing workplace accidents, minimising sick leave, decreasing conflict, avoiding declines in productivity, preventing burnout, and creating a more supportive workplace culture for all.

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Mental health issues are now the leading cause of short-term sick leave and longterm work incapacity in many developed countries, costing businesses and governments billions of dollars each year (Henderson et al., 2011; Shiels et al., 2004; Wang et al., 2004). According to the study findings from LaMontagne et al. (2011), sick leave due to physical and mental illness has cost Australian businesses between $11 billion and $12 billion annually in the past two decades. To address the seriousness of workplace mental health, the Australian federal government has established the National Mentally Healthy Workplace Alliance to promote workplace wellbeing across the country. The Alliance worked with university scholars and psychologists to identify six key areas and strategies for creating mentally healthy workplaces (Harvey et al., 2014). They include: 1.

Improving Work Design by: • creating flexibility around working hours and where, when, and how work is performed. • creating more opportunities for individuals and teams to be involved in decision-making processes. • meeting workplace health standards requirements to reduce risks to mental and physical injury.

2.

Building Better Work Cultures by: • providing training for leaders and supervisors including workplace mental health education. • ensuring senior staff are engaged in mental health promotion and maintaining a safe and positive climate. • developing, implementing, and monitoring a mental health policy which includes zero tolerance of bullying and discrimination. • ensuring that change is managed in an inclusive manner with open and realistic communication.

3.

Building Resilience by: • providing stress management and resilience training for those in high-risk jobs. • providing stress management and resilience training with evidence-based approaches, such as cognitive behavioural therapy. • creating a workplace that provides opportunities for regular physical activity. • providing mentoring and coaching to staff.

4.

Planning and Implementing Early Intervention by: • promoting and facilitating staff to seek help early. • conducting wellbeing checks and put in place appropriate support and resources.

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• offering Employee Assistance Programs which use experienced staff and evidence-based methods. • providing mental health training across the organisation (workplace) so all staff can help to support each other. • providing a peer-support program for staff. 5.

Supporting Recovery by: • providing training programs for leaders and supervisors on how to support workers’ recovery from mental illness and during stressful life events. • facilitating flexible sick leave arrangements; providing return-to-work programs. • modifying job/work schedules or duty rosters where appropriate. • ensuring that those with a history of mental illness are not discriminated against. • Increasing awareness by: • providing access to mental health information and resources. • conducting regular mental health awareness programs and training. • including mental health education in staff induction and staff development. • actively engaging in R U OK. Day and World Mental Health Day.

Over the past decade, numerous scholars interested in organisational and workplace wellbeing have investigated the types of intervention provided by business organisations, government organisations and not-for-profit organisations, and their effectiveness. For example, Haby et al. (2016) conducted a systemic review of interventions to facilitate sustainable jobs and health sector workplaces. They found that interventions that had positive impact on staff health include elements such as: • enforcement of occupational health and safety regulations. • provision of flexible working arrangements that increase worker control and choice. • implementation of certain operational changes to shift work schedules. • use of employee participation schemes. • In contrast, interventions with negative impacts on health include: • restrictions or downsizing. • temporary and insecure work arrangements. • outsourced or home-based work arrangements. • some forms of task restructuring. Moen et al. (2011) looked at organisational interventions designed to increase flexibility and support for IT workers in the USA. In a longitudinal study spanning twelve months, they found that increased employee control over work time and greater supervisor support for workers’ personal lives reduced burnout and perceived stress, and increased job satisfaction. The study demonstrates that organisations can promote employee wellbeing with a rigorous work design at the organisation level. In Holland, Meyers and Van Woerkom (2017) studied the use of ‘strengths interventions’. Such interventions explored matching employees with tasks based on their

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strengths, talents, interests and experience to achieve organisational goals, offering more choices in the nature of work, increasing employees’ engagement, sense of achievement and job satisfaction, and enhancing their independence and resilience. The study found that such practice created short-term increases in employee positive affect, and both short- and long-term increases in psychological wellbeing. Daniels et al. (2017) examined thirty-three intervention studies on job design, a process of coordinating and optimising work processes to maximise performance. The authors found huge improvements in staff wellbeing and performance when effective training was coupled with job design. Lloyd et al. (2017) found that stress management training given to UK government employees increased their levels of intrinsic work motivation. They discovered that guided e-learning health promotion interventions for managers based on management standards for the improvement of employee welling were able to reduce leaves of absence due to sickness. And De Bloom et al. (2012) noted that when workers were given longer lunch breaks to take a walk in a park, they were able to mentally detach from their work for a while, relax and recover, leading to reduced fatigue and increased job satisfaction. Ebert et al. (2015) conducted a trial to evaluate the efficacy of an Internet-based intervention for American teachers, which aimed to help them to recover from work-related strain and reduce sleeping problems and work-related rumination. They found moderate improvement among 128 participating teachers with insomnia, and concluded that such programs can have a positive impact on the mental health of teachers who are stressed. Resilience programs and interventions are also common in many organisational and workplace wellbeing initiatives. Robertson et al.(2015) directed a systematic review of work-based resilience training interventions. They found that people responded differently to such training and the benefits were evident depending on how resilience was defined, conceptualised, developed and assessed. This notion is backed by the meta-analysis of Theeboom et al. (2014), who found that coaching is more effective in helping employees develop needed workplace resilience, especially in areas like work attitude, job performance skills, coping, and goal-directed self-regulation. They also found that providing staff with mindfulness intervention increased their resilience and workplace wellbeing. Meyers et al. (2013) investigated the effectiveness of positive psychology interventions applied in the organisational context. These interventions involved cultivating of respect and appreciation for co-workers, embracing creativity, making use of mentoring and coaching to support employees, and helping employees to develop a positive mindset focused on strengths rather than deficits. The study concluded that such interventions seemed to diminish stress and burnout, and could be considered promising tools for promoting employee wellbeing. This chapter has stated the importance of EI in the workplace and illustrated what constitutes workplace stress and conflict, how organisational climate can affect our thoughts, emotions and behaviour, and how the perception of organisational politics affects our performance and productivity. It has also discussed challenges people face with workplace bullying and the reasons for these bullying behaviours. The author

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hopes that readers can look at workplace challenges from these perspectives and become more aware of these stressors, and be prepared to face and cope with them by developing a higher level of workplace EI. Chapter 12 will present some practical guides and strategies to help readers to become more self- and other-aware, establish healthy boundaries, develop helpful responses, take time to recharge and learn how to relax, and most important of all, seek help and gain support when needed.

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Chapter 10

EI and Work-Life Balance

10.1 Introduction Our lives can be characterised as a complex fabric woven out of events and activities driven by our needs, wants and interests, which lead to both pleasure and pressure. We all desire a happy and fulfilled life. Some scholars claim that our happiness is under our own control. A balanced life is not elusive at all if we understand ourselves better, become more aware of our environments, pay attention to our relationships and know how to use our strengths, and emotional intelligence. This chapter looks at how the demands of our work, study and family and social responsibilities shape our levels of happiness and peace of mind through what’s called ‘work-life balance’. It draws on empirical studies to discuss how people understand and explain work-life balance using different theories, and what factors determine work-life balance. It presents data to illustrate what work-life balance means for different groups of people, including married couples, single dads and single mums. It also describes, based on research evidence, how students in different age groups struggle to create work-study-family balance. These include school-aged students, domestic and international university students, and mature-age students with different family responsibilities and demands. Finally, it gives some coping strategies and recommendations to help readers gain insight into how they can manage their own work-life balance.

10.2 What Is Work-Life Balance? In today’s fast-paced society, diligence is regarded as an asset. Many of us burn the midnight oil and put in overtime to gain recognition, promotions and bonuses, and to satisfy our desires to be respected, earn more money, climb the corporate ladder and achieve desired success. Studies have provided evidence that we are working harder and for longer hours and becoming more ‘time-poor’ and unable to attend © The Author(s), under exclusive license to Springer Nature Singapore Pte Ltd. 2022 M. Gonzales, Emotional Intelligence for Students, Parents, Teachers and School Leaders, https://doi.org/10.1007/978-981-19-0324-3_10

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to other aspects of our lives, which is leading to work-family conflict, physical and mental health issues, and work-life balance issues (Bacharach et al., 1991; Jennings & McDougald, 2007; Kang et al., 2010). Kalliath and Brough (2008) identified six definitions of work-life balance that are commonly used in the literature. According to them, work-life balance: • is about people having a measure of control over when, where and how they work. • reflects an individual’s orientation across different life roles. • is about the extent to which an individual is engaged in—and equally satisfied with—their work and family roles. • is about achieving a satisfying experience in all life domains, and requires personal resources such as energy, time and commitment to be well distributed across domains. • is the extent to which an individual’s effectiveness and satisfaction in work and family roles are compatible with their life role priorities at a given point in time. • is about having low levels of inter-role conflict and high levels of inter-role facilitation, which contribute to higher levels of perceived work-family balance.

10.2.1 Factors Determining Work-Life Balance Achieving work-life balance is not easy but it is achievable—and important. The consequences of work-life imbalance can cause our health to deteriorate, increase strain in our personal relationships, and reduce our work productivity, but when we understand how and why these imbalances occur, we may be able to avoid their detrimental effects. Studies in the work-life balance literature have identified numerous personal factors that can contribute to work-life imbalance. These include our gender, age and stage in our life cycle, personality, education level, marital status, parental status and family responsibilities. Gender:

Age and life-cycle stage:

Scholars have found that men and women tend to prioritise work and family roles differently, with women assuming the majority of childcare duties and men generally taking on the breadwinning role and devoting more time to work (Haworth & Lewis, 2005; Jennings & McDougald, 2007). However, women who take on part-time jobs as a secondary income source sometimes experience conflict between their work and family commitments (Drew, 2005). In an earlier study, Bardwick (1986) noted that individuals learn to attain work-life balance as they mature and gain age, experience and expectations. Wang et al. (2010) also reported that older adults report greater success in achieving work-life balance. Some scholars,

10.2 What Is Work-Life Balance?

Personality differences:

Education level:

Marital status:

Parental status:

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however, have observed that many individuals born in the 1970s (also known as Generation X) have a better sense of work-life balance and actively seek types of employment that suit their lifestyles in order to gain a healthy work-life balance (Cogin, 2012; Gursoy et al., 2008). Individuals have unique personalities, values, emotions and moods, which all affect how they view work and work-life balance. Some people are able to draw clear boundaries between work and life, while others struggle to find balance because they think about life and family while they work, and about work while they are with their family and friends. While some feel guilty about working too hard and not meeting the needs of their family, others are happy to satisfy their basic psychological needs for autonomy, competence, growth and creativity, and the pursuit of career success. Individuals who show a personality characteristic of ‘openness’ are best able to strike an optimal balance between work and life, while those viewed as having a ‘neurotic’ personality type are more vulnerable to work-life imbalance (Bekker et al., 2010). One study suggests that work-life balance is greater among those with high-school graduation levels and lower, while those with undergraduate or advanced university degrees tend to have more work-life balance issues. However, among individuals with advanced degrees, those with more work experience and a high level of self-confidence and self-efficacy tend to be more skilled in maintaining work-life balance (Chong & Ma, 2010). Some studies have found that married people found it harder to establish separation between their work and family lives and experience more work-life conflict than those who are unmarried (Hall & Richter, 1988; Martins et al., 2002). People in parental roles also found it harder to balance the roles and demands of their work and family lives. Many showed a tendency to struggle with balancing household demands, family commitments, spousal support and work stress (Blau et al., 1998). In a comparative study, Tausig and Fenwick (2001) found that couples without children reported a greater sense of work-life balance than those with children.

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Family responsibility:

Work demand:

Work characteristics:

Personal motivation:

Performance standards:

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Warren (2004) showed that family responsibility and the family environment can also affect worklife balance. For example, an individual’s financial resources, dwelling, neighbourhood, support from extended family, social support from friends and community, and state of health are all factors that can influence the state of their work-life balance. The nature of our jobs and employment and our work environment can also play a key part in the balancing act that is finding work-life equilibrium. These factors include work demands, work characteristics, personal motivation, performance standards, organisational (workplace) culture, work flexibility, and social support. Both employees and business owners face challenges in terms of work demands. High-demand tasks can include long working hours, high workloads, intense emotional effort in responding to distressing situations, and exposure to traumatic events or work-related conflict (or even violence). These can lead to high exertion of mental or physical energy, emotional stress and adverse psychophysiological consequences that can impact the quality of personal and family life (White et al., 2003). Individuals with less control over their work generally report higher role overload and tension between their work and family roles. Studies have found that people working in occupations that demand frequent interactions with others, a lot of people in management and multiple work roles found it harder to maintain work-life balance (Judge & Colquitt, 2004). Work factors such as job autonomy, flexibility in scheduling and work hours and the amount of support received in the workplace also contribute to work-life balance or imbalance (Chong & Ma, 2010). Some people are motivated intrinsically; that is, by their desire to seek enjoyment, growth, fulfilment, novelty and excitement through work. Some are motivated extrinsically; that is, by the opportunity for gain, whether that gain is monetary or in the form of social status, recognition and power. Studies have found that people who are driven by intrinsic motivation are more able and willing to manage their work-life balance than those who are extrinsically motivated (Alexandris et al., 2002; Meyer et al., 2004). Many workplaces and organisations have set performance standards to ensure and improve employees’

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Organisational culture:

Work flexibility:

Social support:

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performance. Mumford et al. (2002) found that when employees are well supported in the workplace to achieve these standards, they will find more job satisfaction and fulfilment; those who are not are more likely to feel stressed and lose their work-life balance. Organisational (or workplace) culture can also create a drive for high performance and job satisfaction. When employees feel respected, valued and supported with human and material resources, they feel less stressed and find more joy in their work and their non-workrelated life (Maxwell & McDougall, 2004). Work-related flexibility is important to organisational leaders, business owners and employees. It relates to the ability of the workplace to cope with changes and enable workers and employees some choices in where, when how and for how long they wish to work. Organisations and well-planned small businesses can help their employees to balance their work and family demands by offering flexible work arrangements, flexi-time, job sharing, shift work, working from home or other work modes (Kara et al., 2002; Maxwell, 2005). Social support is a crucial resource to help people to cope in times of stress and difficulties. People with different support resources, such as support from coworkers and community groups and different forms of financial support (e.g., government subsidies), are able to cope with life’s harsh challenges much more easily (Cinamon & Rich, 2010; Martins et al., 2002).

Maintaining a healthy work-life balance is important both for the individual and for businesses and organisations. Knowing how to prioritise our time and understanding our own needs and those of our family will help us to find the balance we need. Likewise, by supporting employees to find balance between their work lives and family lives, businesses and organisations can gain through increased engagement, commitment and work productivity. People who are happy in their workplace tend to go the extra mile and become loyal and dedicated.

10.2.2 Theories on Work-Life Balance As interest in work-life balance has grown in the last three decades, numerous theories have been developed to help us recognise and identify problems, enrich our knowledge and broaden our perspectives on the topic. Here are some theories associated with work-life balance.

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Work-life border theory:

Segmentation theory:

Compensation theory:

Boundary theory:

10 EI and Work-Life Balance

This theory explains that even though our work and family lives belong in different spheres, they influence each other and are continually crossing the complex ‘border’ between them. These borders are physical (behaviour and actions), psychological (thinking and behavioural patterns, and emotions) and temporal (time required in role-specific work). People make daily efforts to shape each domain in order to create their desired balance (Clark, 2000). Karassvidou and Glaveli (2015) have provided empirical evidence to explain these borders and found that many individuals struggle to cross the work-family border because demands from the work domain are too powerful and beyond their control. This theory assumes that every domain in our life functions independently. It postulates that when people are unhappy with their work, they can leave their dissatisfaction behind them with the workplace and not let it disturb them (Zedeck & Mosier, 1990). Scholars subscribing to this theory think that people can find balance if they can use a segmentation approach to separate their workplace demands and pressures from their personal life and vice versa in order to find balance and harmony (Edwards & Rothbard, 2000). This theory was first introduced by Piotrkowski (1979), who observed that workers who felt dissatisfied with their work tended to redirect their energies towards their home lives. Subsequent theories have postulated that when someone feels unfulfilled at work, they tend to seek compensation and balance at home (Lambert, 1990; Young & Kleiner, 1992). Others have found that people who are not satisfied with their work become disengaged and put their energy into their family life or other interests, such as sports, art, music and other hobbies, to gain satisfaction and balance. Likewise, if they are unfulfilled with their family life, people can transform into workaholics and seek balance by keeping busy and creating job demands (Edwards & Rothbard, 2000). This theory explains how people assign meanings to their work life and non-work life, and how they transition between these roles (Ashforth

10.2 What Is Work-Life Balance?

Work-life enrichment theory:

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et al., 2000). It uses a segmentation-integration continuum to illustrate how some people view role boundaries as flexible and permeable, while others are segmented. Some people enjoy work and do not see it as an interference in their family lives. For them, their work-life boundary is blurred, as they can happily ‘integrate’ demands from both domains, whereas on the extreme other side of the spectrum, ‘segmentors’ are not able to mix work life with non-work life, and find it inappropriate or distracting. For example, individuals who are more on the ‘segmentor’ side of the spectrum would prefer to use ‘flexi-time’ to meet work and parental demands, whereas a more ‘integration-minded’ individual would welcome on-site childcare facilities in the workplace. Likewise, some people enjoy working from home, while others need to be in the formal workplace (office) to function optimally. Today, many corporations and government organisations have learned to use boundary management strategies to help their staff manage the critical boundaries between their multiple life domains and find balance (Rothbard & Ollier-Malaterre, 2015). This social-cognitive theory proposes that work and family lives can interfere with one another as well as enhancing quality of life (Greenhaus & Powell, 2006). It suggests that enrichment occurs through two pathways, the instrumental and the affective. Many people can benefit from investing expanded energy in their work to find joy in their family life. For example, an individual can utilise people skills and work insights to manage family and social relationships (instrumental benefit), and when they find fulfilment at home, they will also contribute more at work with their positive emotions and mental energy (affective benefit). Likewise, when people find love and joy at home, they are likely to become more compassionate with their co-workers and build better social and interpersonal relationships. Empirical evidence has confirmed that work-life enrichment is positively linked to job related attitudes such as increased job satisfaction, decreased

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Ecological systems theory:

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turnover intentions and higher levels of physical and mental health (Baral & Bhargava, 2010; McNall et al., 2010; Russo & Buonocore, 2012). This theory, developed by Bronfenbrenner (1994), considers the ecological environment as a set of nested structures and systems that impact on the growth and development of the individual. These systems include microsystems (the immediate environment where an individual develops personal identity, social roles and interpersonal relationships), the mesosystem (the school and community environments, and the people in these environments, which shape the person’s thoughts and values), the macrosystem (the culture and values surrounding a person), and the chronosystem (the passage of time and how it transforms the person). Scholars contributing to work-life balance research have applied this theory to broaden our understanding of work-life balance through a systems lens, which includes social context, passage of time and personal characteristics (Voydanoff, 2005).

A growing number of organisations have made use of these theories and related strategies to help their employees manage their work-life balance. These strategies have been developed into organisational policies and included in their education, training and development agendas (Beauregard & Henry, 2009).

10.3 Work-Life Balance and Parenthood Today’s working parents face a juggling act, blending work and life to create a balance between their professional and family lives. Contemporary researchers have found that many young parents experience difficulties in balancing work and caring for their children. This feeling of imbalance impacts on their employment and relationships, and lowers their performance standards and productivity (Aggarwal, 2012; Culbertson et al., 2012). Some studies have found that there is no gender difference, and that both male and female parents faced imbalances in their family and work lives (Doble & Supriya, 2010). Many are able to find peace and an increase in their job satisfaction and performance when given support in the workplace in forms such as flexi-hours, opportunities to work from home, part-time work options and policies allowing flexi-time and emergency leave to attend to family crises (Asadullah & Fernández, 2008). The following sections describe the different challenges working couples face and the different circumstances they face as parents.

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10.3.1 Working Parents and Work-Life Balance Parenting has never been easy. Many contemporary couples find balancing the dual demands of work and parenting a challenge. Studies in the new millennium have revealed that many parents find their work experiences have a significant impact on their parenting behaviour and the overall quality of their family life. Some are turning to harsher parenting styles due to their emotional responses to work pressures, work overload, long working hours and negative workplace environments (Crouter & Bumpus, 2001). They have reduced parent–child interactions and less leisure to enjoy quality family time and to bond with their children and build positive family relationships. This is especially true for shift workers and those who need to work during holidays and weekends (Cho, 2018; Perry-Jenkins et al., 2017). Research has established that parents who experience high levels of work-family conflict are more likely to have lower-quality parent–child connections that are marred by irritability, insensitivity and inconsistent parenting behaviour (Cooklin et al., 2016). Many of these parents reported low parenting efficacy and low parental satisfaction (Cinamon et al., 2007; Vieira et al., 2012). Using the border theory, Clark (2000) has explained that in order to strike a balance, people need to understand, negotiate and manage both the work and family spheres and the borders between them. He describes three kinds of border: the physical (the workplace location and environment), the temporal (work hours and demands), and the psychological (the individual’s thinking patterns, behaviour and emotions). The workplace environment can be both physical and non-physical. The physical components includes its size (spacious or crowded), ergonomics (functional design, furniture, atmosphere, ventilation) and ambience (quiet or noisy, good or bad air quality, presence of indoor plants and decor to lift moods). The non-physical components can include its climate and culture (general mood, work relationships, policies and procedures, professional and social supports). As for location, naturally, the closer to home the better. If one has to drive over an hour and tolerate heavy traffic and road pollution to get to work and home again, it will impact one’s mood and health in the long run. The time demands of work can take a toll on an individual’s physical and mental health. High levels of work-time demand and long work hours have been found to negatively impact workers’ health and wellbeing (Albertsen et al., 2008; Hughes & Parkes, 2007), and are linked to increased work-family conflict (Hosking & Western, 2008). Psychological factors that influence work-family conflict can include lack of role clarity, poor person-job fit, career development issues (e.g., promotion opportunities; lack of job security), relationship issues (e.g., lack of support from supervisors), repetitive and monotonous work, harassment, discrimination and problems with organisational structure and climate such as low level of perceived control over work tasks, office politics, tight schedules and deadlines, poor communication, etc. Three American studies reported that work-family conflict led to poor eating habits and an increased consumption of unhealthy food, and heavy alcohol use for

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some people. These studies also found that work-family conflict was associated with negative outcomes, including increased stress symptoms and decreased life satisfaction (Adams et al., 1996; Grandey & Cropanzano, 1999; Hammer et al., 2004). Many families today still adhere to the traditional norm of the male being the key breadwinner and the woman being charged with domestic responsibilities, even when she works and contributes to the family’s income. While some people experience work-to-family conflict, many others therefore also experience family-to-work conflict. Factors found to lead to such conflicts include childcare and household chores, marital tensions, number of children, family financial situation, personality differences within the household, and family support network (Bellavia & Frone, 2005). A UK study found that women preferred working from home (e.g., as teleworkers) because their jobs allowed them to perform multiple roles and continue to fulfil their domestic responsibilities, while men preferred to work away from home as it allowed them to separate work from family life (Sullivan & Lewis, 2001). Social psychologists believe that work-life balance differs at different stages of parenthood. Wepfer et al. (2018) divided their study subjects into five distinctive family-life stages: Stage 1: young adults without children. Stage 2: parents of pre-schoolers. Stage 3: parents with primary-school children. Stage 4: parents of children older than age 12. Stage 5: parents with grown children. They found that men experienced significantly higher work demands than women in all of these family stages, as most were the main breadwinners of the family. They also found that both work and family demands were at their highest in Stages 2 and 3, and women reported significantly more demands on them than men did. These women felt more responsible for their children, and in addition to their work demands, they felt pressure in childcare-related matters. Though many more men have been found to be more involved in caring for their children nowadays, this study found that most men’s involvement with their children was recreational and leisure-related. Stage 5 parenthood reported the greatest sense of work-life balance, as their children were grown and they had more experience of life and how to cope with demands coming from different angles (Wepfer et al., 2018). In order to strike a balance and overcome work-family conflict, one has to be conscious of what balance entails. Greenhaus et al. (2003) point out that when one is mindful of time balance (devoting equal time to both work and family), involvement balance (maintaining equal levels of psychological involvement in both work and family roles) and satisfaction balance (how one defines and obtains satisfaction from work and family life), then work-life balance can be achieved. Learning to become more self-aware and mindful of these roles and role demands will be helpful for those who need more work-life balance.

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10.3.2 Single Parents and Work-Life Balance Single parenthood is becoming more common these days. The reasons for a person becoming a single parent include the death of a spouse, a divorce or relationship breakdown, or a single woman choosing to raise a child alone. Today, more and more women are choosing to give birth to or adopt a child while remaining a single parent. It appears to be a common practice in the USA and some other parts of the world for mothers to get primary custody of the children in a divorce while most fathers become non-custodial parents (Flood, 2010). Co-parenting is still a relatively rare practice in the US (Doucet, 2006), whereas joint custody is more common in Canada. Statistics from the Canadian Department of Justice show that between 2014 and 2015, 65% of divorcing mothers and 10% of divorcing fathers received sole custody, while 12% received joint or shared custody of their children (Canadian Department of Justice, 2021). The literature informs us that single parenthood impacts men and women differently. Fathers in the new millennium tend to demonstrate greater involvement with their children than previous generations (Cowan et al., 2009). A growing number of studies found that children of highly engaged fathers show more positive social, emotional and cognitive development. These fathers are also found to be more patient, flexible, emotionally responsive and sensitive to their children. They tend to demonstrate more self-confidence, find more satisfaction in their bonds with their children and are intrinsically motivated to be with their children. However, Flood (2010) also found that in some cases, fathers’ involvement with their children can be heavily impacted by a mother with full custodial rights, which divorced fathers referred to as ‘the maternal gatekeeper’. When a divorce is amicable, the father-children connection is more likely to be harmonious, whereas when a marriage has ended in a hostile and unforgiving manner, the children may be used by one parent—or both—as weapons against the other.

10.3.3 Challenges Faced by Single Dads People tend to pay attention to the struggles of single mums, and not much has been written about how single dads and fathers without custodial rights face their challenges. But men who suffer relational losses endure the same amount of pain as their spouses, and losing their children can be devastating for some men. Divorce is often a heart-breaking and stressful process, and in many cases it can be brutal for men who struggle with the sudden loss of their identity as the family provider, the involved father, the husband. Some of them see themselves as having ‘failed’ as a man, and feel that they are being judged by their community for the failure of their marriage the breakdown of their family (Doucet, 2006). For some, losing custody of their children also means an additional financial burden, as they

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have to pay child support, and possibly alimony, on top of the increased cost of living as a single person. These experiences and demands can take a toll on their physical, psychological and emotional balance. Men can become single fathers due to divorce, the death of their spouse or the children’s mother abandoning them (Goldscheider et al., 2013). Both Eastern and Western societies generally identify the mother as the primary caretaker and the father as the financial provider and disciplinarian (Biblarz & Stacey, 2010). However, many more fathers are readily accepting emotional as well as financial responsibility for their children now, and so, in addition to having to face the juggling act of managing emotional demands and work demands, single fathers also have to face the new demands of playing the dual roles of mum and dad at the same time. Literature studying the challenges faced by single fathers is still rare. The most common discussions focus on the difficulties fathers experience when raising daughters. These studies have found that single fathers tend to feel more equipped to raise sons and deal with the developmental stages of their same-gender child, and find it more challenging to meet the needs of their daughters (e.g., Lee & Kushner, 2008). However, some scholars have found that men who demonstrate a strong desire to accept this responsibility and to become a ‘good father’ soon learn to develop ‘maternal capacities’ (Biblarz & Stacey, 2010). Bronte-Tinkew et al. (2010) found that many single fathers seem to employ a broadminded parenting style, characterised by responsiveness, acceptance and affirmation, and sometimes, a bit too permissive. On the other hand, those without support from extended family are less able to meet the recreational needs of their children, such as for sports and out-of-school educational programs. Some studies also note that single fathers generally experience less economic stress than single mothers (Bronte-Tinkew et al., 2010), but that those without social support tend to become overwhelmed by the demands of the household tasks and obligations they have to complete every day (Östberg & Hagekull, 2013). While parenting may look different depending on demographics, the reality is that children require a particular level of care from their caretaker, whoever that is, in order to function in society, and many single fathers experience an imbalance in their work-family balance due to the multiple roles they have to play (Lawson, 2012).

10.3.4 Challenges Faced by Single Mums Women became single mothers for a range of reasons, including being widowed, having an unplanned pregnancy, and going through a relationship break-up or divorce. In addition, some single mothers choose to be single parents by having or adopting a child alone. Challenges faced by single mums can be different in some ways from those faced by single dads. Research data have shown that single mothers experience more stressful life events compared to married mothers, as well as more mental health issues, and are more likely to have low psychological wellbeing. They also indicate that single mums aged 45–50 are likely to be four times worse off financially

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than married mothers (Craig, 2007; Loxton et al., 2006). The gender gap in work and pay in many Western societies, where despite having higher levels of education, women earn less than men in general, adds to the challenges faced by single mums. Correspondingly, stress leading to work-life imbalance can come from role overload, as single mothers without financial child support become the sole financial providers for their families, and have to cope with both being the sole nurturer and carer for the children, and meeting work and household demands (Bird, 1997; Lucas, 2007). Unmarried single mothers also have to deal with stigmatisation and societal and cultural acceptance in some cultures, including Asian cultures (Rudowicz, 2001). Financial difficulties remain a key challenge for many women across the globe. According to the Australian Council of Social Services (2018), 32% of single parents (mums or dads) live in poverty, 59% of single-parent households rely on government assistance as their main source of income, 72% of single mothers have children under the age of 10, and 88.5% of jobless families are headed by single mothers. Half of these unemployed mothers also have health issues or are caring for children with disability or special needs. The financial difficulties faced by these mothers include non-payment of child support from divorced fathers who fail to support their children. Accordingly, custodial parents who do not receive financial support from their ex-partners tend to be socioeconomically disadvantaged (Dinh et al., 2017). Many single-mum families living in poverty lack the resources to meet their basic needs. As a result, they face physical and mental health challenges and may experience extreme imbalance in their family lives. As a result, children may be neglected or abused, show behavioural and emotional problems, and have difficulties with school engagement and attendance, leading to poor education and employment outcomes. Many are also excluded from extracurricular activities and leisure activities (Gault et al., 2018). A 2017 Australian Salvation Army report notes that average single-mum households spend 64% of their income on rent and living accommodation. More of these families are therefore at risk of being homeless, and despite governmental assistance, some children also face food insecurity. Mothers who are unemployed survive on an average of $14.35 a day after paying utilities and housing expenses. Children living in such underprivileged circumstances are more likely to develop behavioural and emotional problems, especially when their mother is unable to cope with all the demands on her.

10.3.5 Supporting Single Parents in Finding Work-Life Balance Solo parenting is not just challenging; it can be an ordeal for many. Knowing how to find help and support is the key to maintaining a more balanced family life for both the parent and their children. In addition to dealing with the grief associated with the loss of a spouse or partner, whether to death or to separation, the single parent

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needs to maintain their own wellbeing in order to look after the children. Below are some recommendations from the Australian National Council for Single Mothers and Their Children and the Father’s Rights Law Centre to assist with doing so. At the personal level: • Establish routines to help yourself and your children to find balance: By creating steps to simplify daily routines, parents can help themselves and their kids to stop feeling overwhelmed, especially in stressful times. Organisation techniques such as setting up routines for daily, weekly and monthly chores can ease worries and reduce unnecessary stress. • Set aside time for your kids: In addition to meeting work demands and household demands, it is important to set aside some time each day to attend to the needs of the kids. If it is impossible to do this daily, at least plan to do so a few times a week. Spending quality time with the kids can help both parents and children to relax, bond, enjoy each other’s company and renew their energy. • Ditch the guilt: Life is particularly tough on single parents. It is therefore important to prioritise. Most single parents feel guilty when they cannot find more time to spend with their kids, and this feeling of guilt can add up, leading to mental health issues. Single parents must learn to forgive themselves if they are not able to do everything. By seeking help, they may be able to find support resources among family, friends and even neighbours that can help them meet their kids’ social or educational needs. • Frequently reflect on your own wellbeing and develop positive habits to support yourself: It can be helpful for single parents to seek help from friends, family and professional counsellors to talk about their problems and release tension. So can establishing routines to maintain good physical and mental health, e.g., by going for a walk, listening to calming music or engage in meditation, and refraining from self-denial and negative thoughts. • Understand your financial state and organise your finances: It is important for single parents to be realistic about their financial state and needs, to create a budget and, if possible, to set aside some savings. Taking some time to find out where they can get financial assistance to meet their family’s needs is also helpful. • Seek support from your work organisation: Single parents should never feel ashamed or embarrassed about talking to their workplace management to seek help. Options such as working flexi-hours and negotiating flexible working arrangements can enable them to maintain a healthier work-life balance and have time to look after the kids.

10.3.6 At the Social, Community and Governmental Level There are increasing amounts of support provided by governments, charity organisations and community groups to assist single-parent households in meeting their needs. Such assistance comes in the form of welfare payments, training and development to help parents upskill so they can find better jobs. There may also be financial

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support including free or reduced rates for medical care, subsidies for childcare and afterschool care, food donations, donations of toys, clothing and household goods, and so on. However, the biggest and most challenging factor that is increasingly impacting single-parent households, and other low-income family households, is housing access. Due to property investors and governmental unwillingness to regulate ever-increasing property costs, low-income families and young adults are finding it hard to afford even rental accommodation. As a result, homelessness has become a global phenomenon. Poverty is a wicked problem—one that is complex, dynamic, evolving and seemingly unsolvable. However, it is still the responsibility of every government to look after their citizens’ wellbeing. More people need to step up and advocate for more input from both the government and the community to solve problems that lead to extreme poverty and human suffering. People need to become advocates for the disadvantaged, and governments need to prioritise their citizens instead of serving the rich and their political sponsors. Parenting is hard. Solo parenting is even harder. However, parents must always be responsible for their children and make sure that they are cared for and supported, so that they can grow and develop without interruptions. When people are mindful of what good parenting is, they naturally do their best for their children. But knowing how to prioritise and reduce stress is essential; no one can achieve perfect worklife balance all the time, so sometimes we need to develop strategies to manage the discomfort brought about by competing demands instead.

10.4 Work-Life Balance for Students In today’s demanding world, many students as young as sixteen have to work parttime to meet their personal and family financial needs. A majority of university students, both domestic and international, also need to work to pay for both living expenses and study-related costs. Juggling their work, study and family life demands means that many endure imbalance and mental stress caused by their competing obligations. Finding work-life balance is especially challenging for international students studying in a foreign country. Married couples and parents engaging in adult education and higher degrees also face difficulties maintaining equilibrium in their lives as they wrestle with the demands of their studies, work, and family responsibilities. The following sections discuss how these demands affect different groups of students.

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10.4.1 Study and Life Balance for Schoolchildren and Adolescents Contemporary studies disclose that youth in both Western and Eastern cultures suffer mental health issues related to the transition from childhood to adolescence. The WHO 2014 report shows that many adolescents experience mental health challenges leading to anxiety and depression during this life-stage transition. Other studies have provided evidence that teenagers who are unable to find balance in their life are more likely to pursue risky behaviours such as smoking, drinking and drug use, and to experience suicidal thoughts and behaviours (Feld & Shusterman, 2015; Finkelstein et al., 2006). Many Asian research studies have also provided evidence that younger children suffer anxiety due to the demands on them to perform well and compete with their peers at school. This pressure is felt even in primary school, and especially in the final year of primary school when parents expect their children to earn places in elite and esteemed high schools (Zhang, 2014). While many of their counterparts in the West do not experience similar academic stress (Bjorkman, 2007), many Asian teens, especially in China, experience tremendous amounts of academic stress that leads to mental health issues. This is especially so among students in the final year of high school, and those who attained lower grades in their school exams (Xu et al., 2014; Zhang, 2014). In countries including Korea, China, and Singapore, teachers and parents tend to blame students for not meeting academic requirements instead of helping them, causing feelings of low self-esteem, insecurity and anxiety (Ang & Huan, 2006; Zhou et al., 2012). As a result, many students have difficulty sleeping, live with self-blame and guilt and lose interest in everything; some can gain weight and some contemplate committing suicide (Zhu et al., 2014). Luo et al. (2014) have shown that students from lower-income families reported higher levels of depression related to both academic stress and family-life stress. The educational levels and psychological behaviours of their parents also impacted these young people and how they responded to academic stress. In addition, the marital status of their parents affected the work-study-life balance of students, in both Eastern and Western cultures. Some students were able to create balance thanks to peer support, especially when they were able to establish a sense of belonging with and acceptance by their peers. For example, students who formed study groups were able to support one another and find a better work-study balance, and were less prone to the academic stress that many of their peers endured (Carman & Zhang, 2008; Haynie, 2002). Cultural demands are hard to deal with and often manifest as wicked problems. For centuries, Asian children have been burdened with pressure to perform well at school. It is unlikely that such generational weight can be lifted or abolished. However, when parents, teachers and educational policy makers become mindful of the situation and develop more empathy, they may be able to help their students to cope better and maintain a better work-study-life balance.

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10.4.2 Study-Work-Family Demands on University Students Today, more young people are pursuing university degrees and higher education after completing high school. However, the cost of higher education is skyrocketing in many advanced countries, including the UK, the US and Australia. Many students need to work part-time to make ends meet. In a comprehensive study, Mclnnis and Hartley (2002) made the following observations about students in higher education (universities and TAFE) in Australia, noting that: • a majority of working students (75%) depended on paid work as a major source of income; 23% of students reported paid work as a minor source of income, and only 3% reported that paid work was not a source at all. • students from lower social-economic backgrounds have greater access to income support than those from middle-class backgrounds. • one in five students from the middle-class group took up part-time work to meet entertainment and personal consumption needs (e.g., buying clothes, going on holidays). • students from higher socio-economic backgrounds had higher rates of participation in university and educational activities because they did not need to work to make ends meet. Many of them believed that having a part-time job would distract them from their studies and university life. • students under the age of 25 tended to find part-time work, while older students were more likely to prioritise their studies. On top of meeting their financial needs while studying, other social demands can also take a toll on students in their young adulthood, including gaining independence, learning to establish trust in the adult world, managing emotions in romantic relationships and friendships, and trying to establish a career path.

10.4.3 Study-Work-Family Demands on International Students As a result of globalisation, studying overseas has become a common trend. Like their domestic counterparts, international students studying in foreign universities need to take up part-time work to make ends meet. Some of the factors that can impact their sense of balance include culture shock, homesickness, language and communication barriers, a lack of a sense of belonging and the absence of social support. Research has also shown that international students face an increased risk of experiencing anxiety and other mental illnesses compared to domestic students. These risk factors include social and cultural isolation in a new country, financial stress, culture shock, high expectations and performance pressures, language and communication barriers, and difficulties in adjusting to a new academic system. Some international

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students also report fear and perceived threats to their safety in relation to theft, workplace exploitation, race-related assault, religious differences and communication barriers. Due to these challenges, many international students are unable to establish social support networks to help them settle down and balance their workstudy demands. A number of them still rely on digital communication with their family overseas for support, emotional comfort and encouragement. However, some also find it challenging to cross the temporal boundary when there is a clash between the time zones of their university location and their motherlands. Asian students also tend to find that managing expectations from parents is an added burden when adjusting to their university lives (Forbe-Mewett & Sawyer, 2016).

10.4.4 Study-Work-Family Demands on Married Couples and Parents Many mature-age students pursue a university degree in order to expand their employment or career advancement opportunities. The investment of time, energy and emotions in marital relationships and parenthood can take a toll on work-study-family life balance for some couples and parents (Fincham & Ming, 2010), and a commitment to further education can add to these work-life demands. Managing multiple roles is a psychological burden for many university students who are also parents, and they can feel guilty about being unavailable to their children while studying (CarneyCrompton & Tan, 2002). Women, particularly, find it hard to maintain work-studyfamily balance. These role strains can cause married women students intense stress, anxiety and even depression (Darab, 2004). Some scholars have found that these role conflicts impacting their academic achievement, and they eventually drop out of study (Benshoff, 1991). Universities could help prevent this by providing special counselling services for married students to help them develop coping strategies and adjustment tools (Meehan & Negy, 2003), and university staff (educators) could provide additional support by being sensitive and flexible, and adapting learning programs to their unique needs.

10.4.5 Coping Strategies and Support Universities around the globe have policies and measures in place to help both domestic and international students cope with the challenges they face and balance their work-study-life demands. For example, according to the Guide to best practice in international student mental health (2018), higher education institutions and universities are required to: • develop a safety plan to increase student awareness of mental health and minimise safety risks.

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• recognise vulnerable cohorts, such as under-eighteens and lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer, intersex and other diverse gender or sexuality identifying (LGBTQI+) students. • develop and deliver targeted information in plain English (or the local language). • provide training to enable staff to be sensitive to students’ needs. • work with stakeholders, including community groups and local emergency services, to meet identified students’ needs. • facilitate student reporting by allowing anonymous reporting or direct reporting to staff to protect students who need to complain or seek specific help. • use data to review safety procedures. • provide training and awareness for staff members who respond to students with mental health challenges. • hold regular mental health promotion activities. • develop procedures for early identification of mental health issues. When one is aware of potential issues and prepared for them before stepping into a commitment, such as enrolling at a university –whether local or overseas—it is then easier to cope with the pressures it brings. Students need to be forewarned by parents, friends and educators of what to expect (e.g., culture shock), how to manage their time and priorities, what coping strategies to use to deal with homesickness and loneliness, resiliency skills, and most important of all, how and where to seek help. This will help them to plan for the endeavour of pursuing higher education.

10.5 Using EI to Strike a Work-Life Balance Work-life balance is a critical aspect of a healthy work environment. As noted above, it covers three major domains—physical, psychological and social wellbeing (Emmerling & Boyatzis, 2012)—and affects the overall quality of an employee’s experience. Our emotions constitute strong psychological forces that influence our work behaviour and performance, and there is now a plethora of literature and studies providing evidence that individuals with higher EI will have better work-life balance because they are better able to cope with stress and challenging situations and are more adaptive to interpersonal and intrapersonal functioning (e.g., Elfenbein, 2007; Kidwell et al., 2011; Kirk et al., 2008). Despite EI being a relatively new theory, it has gained immense attention from business corporations and public organisations, which recognise the role it plays in helping employees achieve work-life balance, reduce stress and burnout, and maintain their physical and mental health.

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10.5.1 EI and Workplace Burnout Garton (2017) reported that problems associated with employee burnout cost an estimated $125 billion to $190 billion per year in corporate spending in the USA. Increasingly, organisations around the world have realised that in order to be competitive and efficient in today’s business environment, they need employees who are not only competent in terms of their knowledge and technical skills, but have a high level of EI (O’Boyle et al., 2011). Business owners and workplace leaders are becoming more aware that EI plays a regulatory role between work attitudes and organisational citizenship behaviour, and can therefore help to enhance job performance and limit burnout (Pradhan et al., 2016). Maslach et al. (2001) explain that burnout includes emotional exhaustion, loss of job satisfaction and lack of a sense of accomplishment. When people are mentally and emotionally exhausted, it is harder for them to maintain work-life balance. Durán et al. (2004) have provided empirical data to show that individuals who are high in EI have both the ability to express their emotions in alignment with their situation, and the ability to adjust their emotions in order to contribute to goal achievement. Other scholars have also demonstrated that employees with higher EI have higher levels of emotional control, are more able to find solutions, and have the capability to apply emotional resources skilfully to gain needed social support and avoid burnout (Brief & Weiss, 2002; Chan, 2006).

10.5.2 EI and Aspects of Work-Life Balance In the literature, EI is strongly associated with work-life balance. Some of these factors are mentioned in Sect. 10.2.1 above. In addition to these factors, the three most studied factors with regards to EI and work-life balance are: job satisfaction, job engagement and job stress. Job satisfaction:

This is a feeling of fulfilment and gratification associated with one’s job. It is associated with productivity and efficiency in the workplace, as well as with the personal success of individual’s. It reflects feelings of achievement and pride in accomplishing a task or project, and can also contribute to appreciation from others, personal growth and development, productivity, advancement opportunities and increased income (Kaliski, 2007). Individuals who demonstrate high EI are better able to identify and control forces that drive the success or failure of a task and have stronger communication skills and decision-making capabilities, leading to success and greater achievement (Stone et al., 1998). Workplace leaders who have outstanding levels of EI are able to apply their social influence to motivate others and create enthusiasm for teamwork

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to achieve goals and create a collective sense of achievement (Chastukhina, 2012). This refers to the energy and enthusiasm that employees put into their work to meet job demands, and the level of commitment and involvement employees feel towards their workplace (Stairs, 2005). Pritchard (2008) described employee engagement as their level of commitment and loyalty to their workplace, and Markos and Sridevi (2010) describe it as the harmonious and positive relations between workers and leaders that lead to emotional commitment to the workplace or organisation. When employees are not satisfied with their work or workplace, they have a tendency to become disengaged from their work and work relationships with others. This negatively impacts staff morale and can lead to absenteeism, increased turnover and increased feelings of work-life imbalance.

People with high levels of EI are able to minimise work-related stress because they have the ability to examine negative situations before making decisions and taking action. They are generally clear on the requirements of their jobs, and are able to handle conflict, maintain focus, listen to others and show empathy to support their co-workers and colleagues (Washington & Shen, 2018).

10.5.3 EI and the Caring Industry Professionals working in the caring industry (e.g., nurses, doctors, social workers, welfare workers, psychologists and therapists, teachers, police officers, disability carers, aged care workers and foster carers) experience high level of stress in their daily work. Having to work with people who are hurt, sick, in a vulnerable condition, or even violent is emotionally demanding. These professionals have to maintain their own composure in distressing situations, correctly identify their own emotions and those of others, and understand and manage those emotions (Baird & Kracen, 2006). Additionally, most of them have to work with limited resources, poor support from their management hierarchy, and heavy workloads due to high staff turnover (Benson & Magraith, 2005). EI thus plays a vital role in helping them to develop their professional capabilities and proficiencies. Empathy is one of the key elements of EI, and a key requirement in the caring industry. It is the ability to recognise, understand and appreciate how other people feel, and to be able to articulate an understanding of different perspectives on a matter. People with high levels of empathy can easily establish trust with others, and trust is an important foundation for establishing interpersonal relationships. People high on EI also tend to have a well-developed social conscience and a clear understanding of their social responsibility and to act responsibly, displaying a social conscience and willingness to collaborate with others to achieve goals. Professional care workers

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need a high level of EI to be able to hold tough conversations with the people they serve and support. They need the capability to be assertive and to communicate concerns effectively in order to create mutually respectful relationships in often traumatically stressful situations. This, like empathy, is a skill that can be developed. Chapter 12 of this book will provide more details on how to become more empathetic and illustrate steps you can use to develop your empathy and build better relationships in the caring industry. Organisations and small business owners in this industry can also help their staff to reduce work pressure and find more balance in their lives. Shift work and staffing patterns can impact the work-family-life balance, but when workers have the capability, knowledge and skills to develop their EI, they are better able to cope with these challenges and manage the demands of their work and home lives. With a good level of EI, workers, professionals, staff and leaders can all reduce stress, bounce back more easily from challenges, plan and make time for their families, engage in personal interests and hobbies, and pursue personal goals. They will be more able to manage the spillover effect from work to home and stay focused on their work, free from mental and emotional distractions. People with high levels of EI also know where and how to seek help to overcome problems that burden their minds (Kaliski, 2007).

10.5.4 How Organisations Can Help Employees Find Work-Life Balance The effects of work-related stress on our physical and mental health have been well documented. Governments in advanced countries have put in place policies and systems to help organisations and workplace leaders set up policies, procedures and mechanisms to help their workers and employees attain a more balanced life. These strategies, noted by Baicker et al. (2010), Beauregard and Henry (2009) and Dex and Scheibl (2001), include: • providing training and development to increase EI in the workforce. • helping workers and employees to better manage their workload using time and priority management skills. • incorporating work-life balance policies into their organisations’ Occupational Health and Safety policies at work. • providing more flexi-work programs and schedules to allow employees to match their work requirements with the timeslots that suit them. • simplifying staff meeting arrangements and cutting down on the frequency of meetings to reduce time wastage. • providing more recreation spaces, and opportunities and programs that encourage staff bonding and engagement in physical activities to reduce stress and anxiety. • providing employee assistance programs to coach or counsel employees with family problems and work-related relationship problems.

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• providing on-site childcare facilities or subsidising payments to help working parents meet childcare demands. • holding staff recognition and appreciation celebrations to encourage and acknowledge staff input and increase job satisfaction. • building a positive workplace climate and a friendly and supportive organisational culture. In the long run, encouraging work-life balance benefits everyone in the workforce and contributes to a healthy workplace environment. When employees have more time to spend with their families and have greater job satisfaction, they will be more committed and loyal, and voluntarily put in the extra mile when required. Meanwhile, employers will reap the rewards through improved productivity and employee engagement, and decreased turnover. Life is a balancing act. Juggling competing demands and responsibilities is part of it. With the increased societal demands, work demands, and personal life demands we face, we need to develop an increased awareness of how these requirements impact us and learn how to cope with them to attain balance in our lives. As illustrated in this chapter, work-life balance can be attained at both the personal level and at the organisational level. Having a higher level of EI means we will be better able to understand ourselves and others, more objective when facing challenging situations, and better able to control our emotions and responses to difficulties, so that we can avoid stress and protect ourselves from mental health issues in the workplace.

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Chapter 11

Leadership and Emotional Intelligence

11.1 Introduction Leaders with high levels of Emotional Intelligence (EI) are more likely to influence others in positive ways by supporting them with empathy and compassion, building trusting relationships that lead to increased work performance, motivation and job satisfaction. This chapter therefore presents theoretical concepts and research evidence to show how EI is important in leadership and how leaders can develop effective EI skills for leadership. It also explores the dark side of leadership, which manifests when leaders become negative and malicious, causing damage to the organisation and harm to their co-workers. It covers factors that can lure a good leader to the dark side, and ways that individuals can develop awareness of these factors and avoid sliding into the dark territory of workplace immorality. Finally, it introduces measures that organisations can take to deter dark leadership, and develop collective EI.

11.2 What Is Leadership? The construct of leadership has evolved markedly in the last century and a half, and there is now a vibrant range of approaches, models and theories to help us understand and explain what it encompasses. One of the most renowned authors on this subject, Peter Northouse, teaches that ‘leadership is a process whereby an individual influences a group in order to achieve a common goal’ (2010, p. 3). Drawing on his three decades of experience and expertise on the subject of leadership, Northouse recently gave a comprehensive introduction to the major schools

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of thought on leadership that have been studied across the globe over the past 150 years (Northouse, 2016). Here is a brief summary: 1800s to 1940s Great Man Theory: In the mid-1800s, scholars of leadership believed that leaders were not made but born. They were considered to be exceptional people gifted with unique qualities and attributes, and destined to be leaders. Trait Theory: Influenced by the Great Man Theory, scholars in the early to mid1900s believed that leadership traits could be developed, and valued intelligence, masculinity and dominance as common leadership traits. However, some believed that leadership varied from situation to situation, leading to the birth of situational theory. Situational Theory: This school of thoughts suggested that effective leaders were those capable of using different leadership strategies and leadership styles to lead and influence people to accomplish tasks and achieve goals. It had a strong link to behavioural theory, especially in its focus on adaptability and flexibility. 1950s to 1970s Behavioural Theory: In the 1950s, intellectuals began to focus on human behaviour and skills as the source of leadership success. The two key factors determining leadership effectiveness were considered to include competencies in people-oriented leadership (the ability to support others at the personal level) and task-oriented leadership (the ability to establish structure to get things done). Contingency Theory: In the mid-1960s, interest in leadership studies shifted to a focus on both behaviour and skills. Contingency theory argued that leaders should adopt different leadership styles to manage different people in different situations. This theory also considered the leader’s position of power, the degree of task structure and the leader-staff member relationship. 1970s to 1990s Leader-Member Exchange Theory: From the 1970s to the 1990s, interest shifted to studying the intermix of leader characteristics, follower characteristics, interpersonal relationships, contextual variables and how these affected outcomes in achieving organisational goals, relational goals and organisational effectiveness. Transactional Leadership: Transactional leaders were considered to concentrate on results and conform to a system of rewards and penalties. They viewed themselves as figures of a responsible authority, driven by routines to manage individual and organisational performance. This style of leadership was widely practised after World War II, when the focus was on rebuilding with a high level of structure to maintain national stability. Today, transactional leadership is still valued among some leaders who focus on short-term goals, favour structured procedures and protocols, and thrive on observing rules and doing things ‘right’.

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Transformational leadership: In contrast to Transactional Leadership, advocates for Transformational Leadership believed that effective leaders should inspire and motivate their staff by understanding their needs and supporting them without micromanaging, by building trust and inspiring them to transform (grow and develop) to meet the changing demands on the workforce. The new millennium Distributed leadership: As the world becomes more complex and dynamic, some are now arguing that leadership must be shared. Scholars in leadership studies have begun to write about the significance of distributed leadership, teamwork and collaboration. This is especially applicable when organisations become global, with international branches and multinational work teams. Authentic leadership: In the 2000s, following the global economic downturn caused by the greed of big business and corrupt practices in many financial and governmental organisations, the literature has advocated for a strong focus on honesty and integrity in leadership. The Authentic Leadership model calls for leaders to be genuine and transparent. Other authentic qualities include being mindful and self-aware, having the ability to understand their own and others’ thoughts, feelings, motives and values, having the capability to build honest and supportive relationships, and having the ability to resolve conflict and the integrity to observe social and ethical values. Entrepreneurial leadership: The focus of leadership studies has also shifted from large corporations and organisations to small-to-medium businesses. Entrepreneurial leadership is the capability to turn problems into opportunities to create economic and social values. It involves strong self-belief, creative and innovative thinking, risktaking, problem-solving and strong people and networking skills. This leadership concept is important for both large corporations and organisations and small-tomedium businesses, which make up 60-90% of the world’s economic contributions. Neuro-based leadership: This school of thought integrates the ideologies and insights of positive psychology, social neuroscience, leadership practice and organisational studies to propose a new kind of brain-based leadership—the capability to optimise workers’ engagement, performance, job satisfaction, productivity, innovation and to achieve planned goals. The evolution of leadership theories and approaches demonstrates that we have moved on from valuing authority, compliance, correction, rigid policies and a rewardpunishment mindset of the past, to a more human-focused, supportive, cooperative and collaborative mentality that values the nurturing of growth and development. It also shows a shift in focus, to respect for staff and employees, acceptance of different perspectives, and facilitation of innovation. Through this futuristic lens, leadership is associated with the removal of boundaries, the encouragement of bold exploration, the power of networking, and the use of technology to advance new knowledge with which we can greet and shape our future. However, the concept of leadership does not only apply to people with positional power. Charan et al. (2001) argue that everyone is a leader. We begin our leadership

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journeys by being individual contributors in our workplaces or organisations. Selfleadership requires the capability of self-awareness: knowing who we are, setting our personal goals, developing interpersonal, social and communication skills, and managing our time and priorities to maintain a healthy work-life balance. From selfleadership, we move on to leading followers; these can include student groups in high schools or college, community groups, or teams in the workplace. To advance to further leadership roles, we need to demonstrate our proficiency in technical or professional skills, but we also need to focus on developing our people management skills. This is a transitional challenge for many who excel as first-level leaders in roles such as a team supervisor, but struggle when they have to find a balance between leading projects, programs and plans and leading different groups of people, for example by managing up and down and in a multidirectional way. As we progress to more senior levels, another shift in focus must take place. Senior leaders achieve through others; they must let go of hands-on work and lead by providing vision, structure and support to empower others to do that work, to lead and to gain success. The best part of being a leader is being able to understand people, communicate with them clearly and effectively, and help and influence them so that they can progress and achieve life satisfaction or professional success.

11.3 EI and Leadership EI, as previously mentioned, is the individual’s capacity to understand and manage emotions. Initially, psychologists believed that EI is innate. However, thanks to over three decades of research, specialists in the field now have a different view. For example, Mayer et al. (2004) believe that EI is an ability that everyone can learn; Baron (2004) describes it as an individual’s emotional, behavioural and social competence; and Daniel Goleman (1998) teaches that it is more important than IQ (cognitive intelligence) and is a capability that can be learned to enhance personal relationships and workplace performance.

11.3.1 Models of EI Mayer, Salovey and Caruso began studying EI in the 1980s and subsequently developed an ability model which describes it as ‘the capacity to accurately perceive emotions, and emotional knowledge, and to reflectively regulate emotions so as to promote emotional and intellectual growth’ (Mayer et al., 2004, p. 198). Their model of EI ability comprises four elements: perceiving emotions, using emotions, understanding emotions and managing emotions. Additionally, they have developed a measurement tool known as the Mayer-Salovey-Caruso Emotional Intelligence Test (MSCEIT), which is currently widely used globally to measure these four elements of EI.

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Bar-On (2004, 2006) also developed a model of EI, viewing it as a competency comprising five domains: self-perception (including self-regard, self-actualisation and emotional self-awareness); interpersonal competence (including interpersonal relationships, empathy and social responsibility); decision-making competence (including problem-solving, reality testing and impulse control); self-expression competence (including emotional expression, assertiveness and independence); and stress management (including stress tolerance, flexibility and optimism). To measure such competencies, Bar-on has developed two measurement tools to measure an individual’s emotional quotient (EQ). They are the EQ-I 2.0 and EQ 360 Composite Scales and Subscales. He has also developed a tool to help to measure the EQ of children. This scale, known as The Bar-On EQ-i:YV, is widely used in education, especially in the UK, Europe and Asia. Daniel Goleman ignited global interests in the concept of EI with his book Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ (1995). In this book, he described four basic components of EI: self-awareness, other-awareness, selfmanagement and relationship management. After another decade of exploring and researching EI, Goleman, his colleague Boyatzis and researchers from HayGroup in Boston developed an EI performance model and the Emotional and Social Competency Inventory (ESCI), which measures twelve competencies covering four domains (HayGroup, 2011). These domains are: • Domain 1: Emotional Self-awareness: This involves recognising and understanding our own emotions. • Domain 2: Social awareness: This involves recognising and understanding the emotions of others, empathy and organisational awareness, • Domain 3: Self-management: This involves effectively managing our own emotions, and includes emotional self-control, achievement orientation, positive outlook and adaptability. • Domain 4: Relationship management: This involves applying our emotional understanding in our dealings with others, and includes the ability to influence, coach and mentor, manage conflict and provide inspirational leadership and teamwork.

11.3.2 Why Is EI Important in Leadership? Inspiring evidence has been captured in the contemporary literature showing that EI plays an important role in leadership. Siegling et al. (2014) established that leaders who scored high in trait EI assessments showed more leadership potential and strong self-efficacy in their leadership roles. Leaders with high EI are more able to build trust and work with integrity and honesty, and to demonstrate their ability to walk the talk. They are able to build strong, cohesive teams, motivate and inspire, consult and make collaborative decisions, and empower staff to take initiative and become more creative (Higgs & Aitken, 2003; Palmer et al., 2001).

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Research reports have also substantiated a strong correlation between leaders with high EI and organisational effectiveness. These studies found that EI positively influenced the promotion of teamwork, increased employee commitment, morale and health, elevated productivity, work efficiency and innovation, and improved quality of service and customer loyalty (Batool, 2013; Côté et al., 2010). Studies have shown how emotionally competent leaders can influence members of a workplace or organisation by facilitating a climate that promotes individual and group productivity and performance, building support structures, encouraging warmth and support among the workers and employees, showing appreciation and valuing staff input, setting clear guidelines on roles and responsibilities, and encouraging tolerance of diversity and difference. Leaders with strong EI can generate attitudinal change and lead a reflective culture, and encourage adaptability, initiative and creativity (Abdulkarim, 2013; Ashkanasy & Nicholson, 2003; Chan, 2014). Team leaders who are competent in self-awareness and other-awareness are able to build consensus in teams, manage diversity and drive overall team effectiveness. They are able to strategise goal achievement by tapping into the emotional and behavioural capabilities of the team, utilise different talents and provide the needed ‘glue’ to increase team bonding and unity. They know how to effectively delegate, reward performance, coach members who need extra support and establish high standards to get optimum results (Goleman, 2014; Harminder & Jaya, 2011; Stough et al., 2009).

11.4 Leading with EI Based on their years of studying and working with global leaders, Goleman et al. (2002) have identified six leadership styles that leaders with high EI demonstrate: visionary leadership, commanding leadership, democratic leadership, coaching leadership, pace-setting leadership and affiliative leadership. They affirm that strong leaders are able to deploy these six styles and switch between them to suit different situations and different people. To become leaders with high levels of EI, we can work to develop the core competencies underlying these six leadership qualities.

11.4.1 Visionary Leadership Effective and forward-looking leaders are visionary thinkers who are able to stimulate others to create an ideal future through their ability to create and communicate a coherent vision of the organisation’s purpose and direction. They are perceptive and confident in embracing the unknown, and see problems and understand issues before others do. They have the ability to come up with fresh perspectives and breakthrough ideas, introduce new paradigms that create value in their business/service. A visionary leader is skilled in turning visions into reality by stating clear goals and developing

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strategic plan and support structures to achieve those goals. They can inspire their followers to boldly strive for and achieve new heights in organisational success. Individuals with innovative talents and creative thinking ability can develop this leadership capability more easily than others. However, we can all develop our visionary thinking and leadership skills by: • constantly challenging ourselves to learn more at a faster rate, especially additional skills in problem analysis and process improvement. • learning to anticipate problems by identifying the paradigms that govern our beliefs, assumptions and expectations, and learning how to think in different paradigms (for example, by reading more widely and engaging in relevant discussions). • expanding our awareness and seeking out new information related to our industries, professions or businesses. • learning and practising lateral thinking and synergistic approaches in order to develop creative ideas. • understanding the role of a visionary leader and developing skills to communicate our mission to others and it. • looking for signals and opportunities in the market, and paying attention to what our business associates or opponents are doing. • identifying risks in our business or profession, and areas that require attention and improvement, amendments or progress. • maintaining a long-term, big-picture view of the business/service and identifying current imperfections and future needs, as well as how the organisation must adapt to meet these needs. • staying abreast of important international trends and global activities that could impact our business/profession. • having a clear understanding of our organisation’s mission and business processes, and ensuring that policies and plans align with the organisation’s purpose and growth. • most important of all, having wide-ranging curiosity and interests.

11.4.2 Commanding Leadership Commanding leadership is also known as directive leadership. We employ this leadership style when we need to assign clear accountability, clarify employees’ roles and responsibilities, take preventive measures to avoid a crisis, tackle problems that need to be resolved urgently, intervene to address lagging performance and barriers to achievement, confront problem performers and integrate efforts across functions and organisation. A commanding leader is one who is highly experienced and skilled with projects and tasks, understands competency requirements and knows how to monitor results

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and outcomes. They understand what is required for successful completion of a project or a plan, and are knowledgeable in assigning tasks to team members based on their talents and skill in order to reach productivity and task fulfilment. They can adequately communicate expectations without seeming arrogant or bossy. An emotionally intelligent commanding leader is able to delegate effectively to give staff a sense of empowerment, and support those who need additional development. The word ‘commanding’ does not mean nasty, tough or micromanaging. Leading with EI means having the ability to be forceful and direct, and to confront problems by understanding staff members’ their needs and perspectives, identifying their skill deficiencies, managing disagreements about rules and policies and determining the importance of discrepancies, and helping staff members to grow. Commanding leaders are able to carry out corrective action by making people aware of the situation and involving them in being part of the solution. To become an emotionally intelligent commanding or directive leader, we need to learn to: • understand change and change management and have a clear idea of personal and organisational processes. • analyse the barriers to success that cause attention and concern. • provide clarity on rules and expectations, and support for new and inexperienced members of the team. • help people to learn and accept that continual change and improvement are required in our work life. • encourage staff to work out problems and come up with solutions. • provide support structures to assist staff members who need to strengthen their skill set and address performance gaps. • make collaboration an expectation and set up support structures to enhance teamwork and build a collaborative climate.

11.4.3 Democratic Leadership A democratic leader works both through and with others. Democratic leadership is also known as participatory leadership, distributed leadership and integrative leadership. An emotionally intelligent democratic leader can attract and select the best high-calibre talents and build strong teams with members who have complementary strengths. They encourage and value diversity in the organisation’s talent pool, and are able to recognise and unleash the full potential of others by providing needed resources, support, coaching and structure. They can create an environment that provides direction and promotes continuous learning and development, and develop successors and talents by knowing and accurately appraising the strengths and needed strength of their direct reports. Leaders who combine EI and democratic leadership skills are able to promote ideas persuasively because they have the ability to identify, build or create areas of

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common ground with others. They are highly aware of their stakeholders’ needs, and realise that every situation is unique and every group has a different dynamic. They have a range of influencing skills and are able to positively assert their ideas and motivate and energise others by connecting with them in the emotional sphere. They are very approachable and convey confidence in their team. When delegating, they have the techniques necessary to set the context and then let go. By taking on a participatory leadership role, democratic leaders can help their staff realistically evaluate the outcomes of team decisions and effort, and decide which team processes work best and which ones need improvement. To become competent democratic leaders, we need to learn how to: • nurture and develop staff by giving them the opportunity and latitude to trial their initiatives. • create a climate that energises, excites and stretches staff members, and promote personal investment in their careers and professional growth. • promote collaboration and remove obstacles to team unity. • understand the art of empowerment by finding out what makes our staff members feel empowered, and unchallenged. • communicate high expectations and challenging goals, and inspire people to excel by demonstrating excellence as a role model. • create an active performance review process that reinforces distinguished performance and provides constructive feedback and coaching to consolidate new knowledge and skills. • promote an atmosphere of respect and an environment that is friendly and supportive. • develop a culture that values diversity, and deal with inappropriate comments and behaviour effectively. • develop the capability to work through conflicts and create win/win outcomes, and to negotiate skilfully to achieve mutually beneficial goals.

11.4.4 Coaching Leadership Coaching leadership is practised by caring leaders who help their staff members to grow and develop, and improve their performance, work behaviour and attitudes. Similar to democratic leadership, it is characterised by support, guidance and collaboration. Empathy is a significant component of coaching leadership, because it is not about what the leader wants to coach but what the staff member needs to learn and what skills they need to develop. Coaching benefits both the coaching leader and the coachees by fostering quality in their efforts to achieve their personal and organisational goals. Coaching is a process that aims to unlock someone’s potential and maximise their performance. Instead of giving instructions and directives, a staff member builds selfbelief and self-confidence via learning goals that they set for themselves. A skilled

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coach can lead a coachee to recognise blind spots by increasing their self-awareness, identify their learning needs, build on their strengths and think about different ways to improve themselves. This approach removes blame and relieves the fear of making mistakes, and thus has a more direct impact on the employee’s desire to grow and make improvement. One of the biggest challenges when coaching is being able to ask powerful questions that foster deep thinking. It is so much easier to tell someone what to do, or give instructions or directives to a staff member. However, through self-discovery and having a conversation with a supervisor or colleague who cares, a staff member can develop the drive and motivation to plan and achieve goals for change and improvement. Effective coaches make a conscious effort to develop a range of communication styles and skills so that they can switch their communication techniques for different coachees to meet different needs. To develop our coaching leadership, we need to: • develop active listening skills so we can listen attentively to help coachees explore issues in greater breadth and depth. • learn to ask power questions to identify not only facts but underlying issues. • learn to use appropriate terminology and to reframe questions and ideas when necessary to demonstrate care and sensitivity. • know how to tap into coachees’ personal values to motivate them to plan goals for self-enhancement. • develop effective goal-setting techniques so that goals are achievable, actionable and measurable, with sub-goals if necessary. • elicit ideas by engaging in collaborative brainstorming or providing coachees with case studies, examples and alternatives that they can choose from. • convey con confidence in coachees’ ability and desire to do their best. • be empathetic and put ourselves in our coachees’ shoes to draw out problems and the roots of conflict or challenges. • encourage reflection by asking insightful, open-ended questions that prompt coachees to think through situations from many different angles. • be resourceful, and instead of telling coachees what to do, provide resources so that they can make an effort to take the needed action to effect change or growth independently. Coaching leaders are more than supervisors or advisers. They are trusted supporters, or even friends, who are committed to helping their staff and are respected and regarded as trustworthy, helpful and reliable.

11.4.5 Pace-Setting Leadership Pace-setting leadership requires a leader to set an example of high performance, appropriate work pace and quality of work. This leadership style is suitable for working with highly motivated and competent staff members who need very little direction (e.g., professionals such as teachers, engineers, scientists, lawyers and

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doctors). This leadership style works better when the leader and the team have a high degree of trust and a mutually supportive relationship. Regrettably, this style of leadership does not tend to work with employees who are highly dependent on their leaders to provide them with constant feedback and guidance. Nor will it work with employees who are not strong on big-picture thinking. A pace-setting leadership style is appropriate when a team is behind due to barriers that have not been identified, or changes in the internal or external environment that have caused a down spell. An emotionally intelligent pace-setting leader will be able to work out what the obstacles and hurdles are, outline key steps that the team needs to undertake to make necessary changes, and provide a timeline to ensure completion with expected outcomes. This will work when the team is a high performing one comprising self-driven, high-calibre staff. Pace-setting leadership is best used when there is pressure to deliver results or complete a project within a specified timeline. It can also be used when the leader notices faltering morale and wants to lift performance standards and boost optimism and team spirit. The advantage of using a pace-setting leadership style is it helps that to get things done quickly, efficiently and to a high standard. However, if it is used inappropriately, employees can become overwhelmed and stressed because of the demands on them. To learn how to use a pace-setting leadership style effectively, it is important to: • communicate in terms of strategic priorities and goals, and use communication as a learning opportunity for the staff. • focus attention on core content (e.g., what is the desired outcome or timeline) and present our goals with a logical and chronological, simple-to-complex structure. • convey a commitment to understanding and doing what is required, and communicate why it is important to put project success above individual gain. • develop (or boost) team confidence by emotionally connecting with team members and gaining their respect, trust and loyalty. • manage anxiety by engaging the team in a mental scanning of the psychological impact of the project being undertaken (e.g., its time and work demands), and discuss how they can manage anxiety or stress and how they need to be supported. • work constructively and calmly under stress and pressure. • cope effectively with political realities. • understand the overall strategies of the organisation and know the drivers of the teams we lead. • put in place some measures to support staff when required, and ensure that staff members know that they are not completely on their own. • put in place contingency plans in case something unexpected happens. • maintain a constructive, positive outlook even if plans are thwarted. • model a strong work ethic and a caring attitude.

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11.4.6 Affiliative Leadership Affiliative leaders bring a strong sense of belonging to the work culture. They connect with people at all levels of the organisation, and relate well with their peers and colleagues, direct reports and higher management. They respect individual difference and recognise and respond to the needs and concerns of their staff members. They promote collaboration and continuously seek to improve how management and team members can work together to achieve individual and organisational goals. The affiliative leadership style works best in times of challenge, such as cutbacks or drops in productivity or profits due to internal or external environmental factors, when staff members need to understand what is going on, process any sense of insecurity and work through their emotions with a leader they can trust. A caring affiliative leader can support workers and employees to reduce workplace stress, increase workplace wellbeing and encourage positive workplace interactions. Affiliative leaders understand the organisation’s human capital strategies and how staff members are supported. They take care of the learning and development needs of staff members and also support organisational growth by providing necessary training and development to encourage growth and increased competencies and performance qualities. To develop an affiliative leadership style, we need to: • identify current networks and find opportunities to develop new relationships or strengthen existing ones. • connect with people through face-to-face communication, rather than merely via email or digital means. • be mindful of our communication style, choice of words and language, non-verbal cues and tone of voice. • develop and practise effective interpersonal communication, including giving non-verbal attention to people when talking with them, and using traditional communication etiquette such as saying, ‘Thank you’ and ‘please’. • be active listeners, show patience and adjust to others’ communication styles. • create an environment of acceptance and confront disrespectful and discriminatory behaviours and practices. • promote teamwork and collaboration across the organisation. • build trust by maintaining high standards of personal integrity. • emphasise integrity and concern for people, and articulate the underlying values and principles that guide your leadership and treatment of others: no one can be a perfect role model, but people will notice and respect a sincere effort.

11.5 The Dark Side of Leadership While there are volumes of literature on organisational studies and leadership focused on effective leadership and the positive qualities of successful leaders, interest in the

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‘dark side’ of leadership has also increased in the last two decades. The term ‘the dark side of leadership’ refers to the practices of abusive and self-serving leaders whose destructive and toxic behaviours create a range of negative consequences for workplaces and organisations, including increased absenteeism, high turnover, occupational stress and mental health issues among staff members.

11.5.1 What Is Dark Leadership? Dark leadership describes leaders who engage in destructive behaviours and act to serve their self-interest at the expense of the organisation’s welfare and productivity (Benson & Campbell, 2007; Krasikova et al., 2013). Some scholars think that not all ‘dark leaders’ are entirely evil or destructive; some only behave in toxic and destructive ways when they are stressed or under pressure to produce results (Kaiser & Hogan, 2007). Many leaders, especially charismatic ones, are able to lead based on their personalised power to effect change and produce results with their admiring followers and fans. However, when these leaders fall prey to greed for money and/or power, they can develop an insatiable need for recognition and control, and unintentionally get pulled to the ‘dark side’. There are three major themes prevalent in the literature that describes dark leadership. They are abusive supervision, leadership derailment and toxic leadership. Abusive supervision: This is a dysfunctional type of leadership observed in leaders in supervisory roles who generally engage in disrespectful and offensive behaviours when interacting with staff members. These behaviours include yelling, ridicule, belittling, rudeness, invasions of privacy and using the silent treatment as a demonstration of power. Studies on abusive supervisors have found that these individuals usually target staff members who appear to be vulnerable, quiet and unwilling or unable to defend themselves. They also found that abusive supervisors are low on thoughtfulness, angry in general, easily frustrated and usually impulsive (Martinko et al., 2013; Tepper, 2007). Leadership derailment: This is defined as either career derailment or an overuse of strengths. Leader career derailment is thought to be the result of a combination of two factors: an inability to adapt or develop (i.e., to learn from mistakes and feedback), and a lack of the personality traits needed to build effective working relationships. Derailment occurs when leaders only capitalise on their key strengths and fail to develop more widely, so that they ultimately fail to deliver when confronted by circumstances that require a broader range of capabilities. These leaders tend to be rigid and low on both self-awareness and other-awareness, and are poor at establishing essential work relationships with others. Many of them display insensitive, abrasive and bullying behaviours, appear to be aloof, arrogant and emotionally volatile, and fail to listen to or accept alternative views and perspectives (Benson & Campbell, 2007; Judge & Lepine, 2007, Najar et al., 2004).

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Toxic leadership: This describes a negative pattern of behaviour shown by leaders who focus on self-serving intents and sabotage or undermine the achievements of other staff members and colleagues. Krasikova et al. (2013) have shown that toxic leadership does not necessarily equate to ineffective or incompetent leadership, and claim that toxic leaders act with intent to be destructive in order to gain power or control. Padilla et al. (2007) describe toxic leaders as having a selfish orientation, focusing effort and resources only on serving their self-interest and gains rather than on the common good. They added that toxic leaders employ dominance, coercion and manipulation rather than influence, commitment and persuasion to achieve goals, and their behaviour compromises the quality of work life in an organisation. Padilla et al. (2007) have noted five characteristics associated with destructive leaders: personalised power, charisma, narcissism, negative life themes and an ideology of hate. Likewise, Burke (2006) outlined his observations of individuals considered to be dark leaders. He claimed that these leaders are generally incompetent and lack the will or skill to create effective action or positive change. They are usually callous, uncaring, unkind and insensitive to the needs of others. Many are also impulsive and lack self-control. Some have negative personal characteristics and are more likely to lie, cheat, steal and engage in corrupt activities. They are narrow-minded and insular. and ignore the needs and welfare of others. Some may even intentionally cause harm to others.

11.5.2 Factors Steering Leaders to the Dark Side Leaders are not drawn to the dark side overnight, and they are not solely to blame for becoming toxic and destructive. The work environment and the influence of followers can also contribute to the making of the work antihero. Many of these followers, who can be called ‘colluders’, share the same values and motivations as the toxic leader and consciously engage in morally dubious behaviour with their toxic boss, engaging in unethical acts because there is a direct benefit for them in doing so (Padilla et al., 2007). There are also followers who conform and serve the toxic leader because they are afraid of negative consequences if they fail to do so; many of these ‘conformers’ have low self-esteem, low EI and psychological maturity, poor judgement, and unmet needs that they think their leader can fulfil. And others susceptible followers choose to conform because of the group apathy effect (everyone is doing it) or the belief that subordinates should be obedient to their superior (May et al., 2014; Padilla et al., 2007). From her studies of the followers of dark leaders, Lipman-Blumen (2005) identifies three types of followers who enable and support toxic leaders. They are: 1.

Benign followers, who are gullible and do not question the negative actions of their leaders, or prefer to conform for practical reasons such as keeping their jobs.

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The leader’s entourage, who are committed to and willing to collude with the leader and their team members to gain control or power and to serve the leader’s agenda. Malevolent followers, who are driven by greed and competitiveness but aim to overthrow the leader once they are able to overpower him or her.

The influence of these followers is instrumental because it accentuates the leader’s shortcomings and strengthens their desire to achieve goals and gain power by hook or by crook. The environmental factors that can nurture and sustain the development of dark leadership include questionable cultural values (e.g., workplaces where bullying and discrimination are not banned), workplace insecurity (e.g., when leaders centralise their control by making fundamental changes), perceived threat (e.g., when the organisation is dependent on a ‘star’ who is also a toxic leader to get them through a crisis or business survival threat), and an extreme laissez-faire governance style with no set standards and no checks and boundaries on leadership competence and effectiveness (Milosevic et al., 2020; Padilla et al., 2007).

11.5.3 Types of Dark Leadership Psychologists have identified the three most malevolent qualities of the dark leader and categorised them as the ‘dark triad’. They are narcissism, Machiavellianism and psychopathy. Narcissism is characterised by egotism, pride, grandiosity and a lack of empathy. Narcissists have inflated views of themselves and their abilities, feel entitled to excessive rewards and recognition, and seek power, influence and control (Ackerman et al., 2011). Machiavellianism is characterised by an absence of morality, the manipulation and exploitation of others, a high level of self-interest, and very low EI. Machiavels tend to be very cold to others and use ingratiation and intimidation to get what they want. Many of them demonstrate a love of money and prestige, and will behave in unethical ways to get them (Boddy et al., 2015; Dahling et al., 2009). Psychopathy is characterised by impulsivity, selfishness, unemotional traits, continuous antisocial behaviour and an absence of remorse. Psychopaths are intolerant and easily bored. Some exhibit parasitic behaviour and behave in irresponsible and deceitful ways. Many use bullying and intimidation to create a culture of fear (Boddy et al., 2015). Theoretical and empirical evidence suggests that all of these three traits share key characteristics such as lack of empathy, interpersonal hostility and interpersonal offensiveness (Campbell et al., 2011; Jones & Paulhus, 2011).

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11.5.4 A Trait Approach to Understanding Dark Leadership Psychologists believe that there are five basic dimensions of personality traits, which they have termed the ‘Big Five’. The Big Five help to identify both positive and negative leadership traits. They are openness, conscientiousness, extroversion, agreeableness and neuroticism. Every dimension of these traits has both positive and negative impacts on an individual, and for decades, psychologists have made use of these traits to understand leaders and leadership. • Openness: People who are high in openness tend to be curious and eager to learn new things. They also have a broad range of interests and enjoy challenges. They are generally creative and have the ability to think about abstract concepts. In contrast, people who are low on this trait dislike change and resist new ideas. They are not very imaginative and are not likely to understand theoretical concepts. • Conscientiousness: People who are high in conscientiousness are thoughtful and have good impulse control. They are very responsible and tend to be organised. They plan ahead and complete tasks in a timely manner, paying attention to detail. They care about what others think of them and are careful not to make mistakes. They usually have a timeframe and a set schedule to work with. In contrast, those who are low on conscientiousness dislike structure and schedules, tends to be messy or careless with their work, and may have a tendency to procrastinate or not complete their assigned tasks. They may also show irresponsible behaviours such as not returning things they have borrowed or putting things back where they belong. • Extroversion: People with a high extraversion trait are described as being excitable, socially active, talkative and usually emotionally expressive. They are outgoing and enjoy being the centre of attention. They can easily build rapport with anyone and find it easy to make new friends. They also feel energised around people and tend to have a large circle of friends. In contrast, those who are low on extraversion prefer solitude, are generally quiet and dislike making small talk. They feel more comfortable pondering their inner thoughts and ideas rather than focusing on what’s happening externally, and enjoy spending time with just one or two people, rather than in large groups or crowds. • Agreeableness: People who are high in agreeableness are generally kind, altruistic and cooperative, and show prosocial behaviour. They show interest in other people and care about them. They tend to be high in EI and easily feel empathy towards people. They enjoy helping others and do things to make people happy. In contrast, those who are low in agreeableness tend to show little interest in others, and can be selfish, manipulative to get what they want and argumentative, and may even insult and belittle others. • Neuroticism: People with this trait are generally characterised by moodiness, constant sadness and emotional instability. They can be irritable and get upset easily. They worry excessively over small matters, experience a lot of selfgenerated stress, and struggle to bounce back. In contrast, those who are low in

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neurotic traits are emotionally stable, rarely feel sad or depressed, are generally calm and relaxed, and are naturally resilient. The trait theory indicates that personality traits have both positive and negative components. When leaders are aware of the characteristics attached to these traits, they can harness their strengths to become effective leaders. Personality tests are useful tools that can help us identify our strengths, motivations and attitudes, and enable us to find out where our talents are best served. Personality tests that use a trait approach can also help us shine a light on our ‘dark sides’ and increase our selfawareness so that we can refrain from drawing on our negative traits and behaviour when we are under stress, or being influenced by others to cross the border into the dark side.

11.5.5 How Leadership Strengths Can Turn Malicious Scholars of organisational leadership believe that leaders are most likely to cross to the dark side and engage in dysfunctional behaviours when they have an excessive need to achieve, to compete or to feed their egos. Some believe that having a moderate level of dark-side tendencies can actually be helpful to leadership success, and even view these tendencies as ‘situational strengths’ (Furnham et al., 2012). However, when these characteristics become too extreme, or when certain behaviours are overused, they can create problems. Many leaders engage in ‘derailing behaviour’ when their personal and psychological resources are depleted. This is especially true for those who rely on specific leadership styles and do not know how to switch their leadership strategies to suit different groups of followers. Leaders who are low on self-awareness and other-awareness are less likely to realise that they need continuous learning and development to increase their leadership capability and reduce their negative impact on others and in the workplace. (Benson & Campbell, 2007; Hogan & Hogan, 2001). Hogan and Hogan (2001) developed a measurement tool to help leaders understand their potential leadership challenges as indicated by their personality traits. This tool, known as the Hogan Development Survey (HDS scale), gives insight into how some personality strengths can become weaknesses and cause leadership derailment (i.e., failure to fulfil role expectations). It measures 11 personality characteristics to help individuals develop self-awareness and recognise how these characteristics can affect their thoughts and behaviour when they are under stress, leading them to act with ‘dark demeanour’ (Hogan Assessments, 2015). The results of the assessment are explained by trained consultants who produce a detailed report to help leaders to recognise their shortcomings, maximise their strengths and develop leadership-enhancing skills. Dark leadership literature points out that some leaders transform into dark leaders due to a lack of self-awareness, especially of their emotionally charged. They may have painful past experiences that drive them, and/or pick up negative cues from

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the workplace that lead them to behave in ‘dark’ ways. Leaders must therefore be aware of any tendencies they have to engage in behaviours that negatively impact others in the workplace, and develop self-awareness and self-regulation strategies to enable them to curtail their damaging impact on others. Leaders who have the capability to engage in intrapersonal self-regulatory processes will be able to control their impulsivity, curb their crave for power and control and achieve their goals in more positive ways (Vazire & Funder, 2006). Self-regulation processes incorporate personal characteristics (including an understanding of one’s own trait behaviours and self-esteem), skills (selfobservation, self-monitoring and self-talk) and self-discipline and emotional selfcontrol (knowing what to stop doing and what to do more). They also require a person to be willing to change. But it is not possible to do all these alone. Leaders who have fallen to the dark side will therefore need help from different sources. Some of the more effective of these include behavioural coaching to increase self-awareness and identify motives and triggers, personality and trait-behaviour assessments and multi-rater assessments such as 360-degree profiling to help leaders identify their self-image, how others view them, and how they impact others in the workplace. (Moran, 2011; Trickey & Hyde, 2009; van Knippenberg, 2012).

11.6 How to Prevent Leaders from Being Drawn to the Dark Side Most dark leaders are not aware of their behaviour. A snake does not know it is poisonous, after all: it bites to protect itself, or to catch prey for its supper, which is an act of survival. Part of the role of human capital specialists (also known as human resources consultants or HR personnel, some of whom are trained professionals with degrees in organisational or industry psychology) is to help organisations identify problematic behaviour that negatively impacts the workplace, causing a negative workplace climate and toxic culture. To prevent leaders slipping into a dark space, HR personnel and management need to put in place preventive measures, including ongoing leadership and managerial learning and development programs, multi-source feedback, executive coaching, formal and informal mentoring and action-learning groups.

11.6.1 Self-Directed Learning to Boost EI There are some individuals who appear to be gifted with natural leadership skills and personality traits that draw admirers and followers. However, to be effective leaders, we all need to learn and grow continuously. Leadership development involves recognising and identifying key skills and characteristics that are essential to becoming

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a successful leader. In Primal leadership: Unleashing the power of emotional intelligence (2002), Goleman et al. emphasise the importance of continual self-directed learning, arguing that to master the repertoire of EI leadership skills and qualities mentioned above, we need to invest time and effort into intentionally developing and strengthening our leadership capabilities, through learning new knowledge, building new skills, forming new habits and putting all of these into practice. This requires genuinely knowing our real selves and our ideal selves, and understanding both the change process and the steps needed to achieve change. People who can successfully change in sustainable ways cycle through five discovery stages: Discovery 1: The ideal self. Who do I want to be? Discovery 2: My real self. Who am I? What are my strengths? What are the gaps I need to fill to take me from my real self to my ideal self? Discovery 3: My learning agenda. What do I need to do to build on my strengths while reducing the gaps? Discovery 4: Brain reprogramming. To achieve sustainable changes, we need to build new neural pathways through mastery. What are the new thoughts, behaviours and emotions I need to achieve these changes? Discovery 5: Develop trusting relationships to help, support and encourage each step in the process (Goleman et al., 2002, pp. 111–112).

11.6.2 Organisational Input to Boost EI The literature also suggests that destructive leaders, even once identified and reported, are often reluctant to change. It is then the organisation’s decision whether to tolerate such individuals or remove them. Sometimes, clear policies and guidelines set up by the organisation are helpful, as they can both motivate change and eliminate further toxic influence by removing leaders who do more harm than good (Krasikova et al., 2013; Rate & Sternberg, 2007). However, many dark leaders have powerful allies and a strong influence on a network of powerful people. For decades, women have suffered gender bias, sexual harassment and misogyny in the workplace. Sexual harassment and systemwide discrimination against women, people of different racial backgrounds, people with disability and LGBTQIA people has gone on for decades. It is shocking that such a systemic issue is not only allowed to exist but proves to be ubiquitous across the globe when it is finally dragged out of the shadows and thrust into the spotlight. One of the major barriers to acknowledging and addressing such appalling practices is fear. People knowingly turn a blind eye and refrain from engaging in honest communication out of fear: of embarrassment, of humiliation, of being culturally misunderstood or of being punished. And this only intensifies the culture of silence in the workplace, perpetuating the illusion that some people, especially those in positions of power, are worthy of speaking and being heard while others do not deserve a voice in matters that affect their welfare and wellbeing. Victims of harassments

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are often blamed or punished, leading them to feel shame, guilt and self-doubt, and frequently to give up their job. Yet the alleged perpetrators usually get away without any consequences. Silence can be considered a form of grooming. It create a conducive environment that breeds more wrongdoing. Cultures of silence can be changed, and it is not only up to victims to join together and advocate for their rights as a group, but also up to organisations to take proactive action and set up mechanism to prevent unlawful and unethical behaviour ruining the lives and happiness of other staff members (Khurana & Gautam, 2018; Vreja et al., 2016). EI can be developed in the workplace. Organisations can learn to be emotionally intelligent as connected entities, and systems can be put in place to support the enhancement of organisational EI. These are: Organisational self-awareness: Board directors and top management, including HR personnel, must have a clear understanding of organisational values and mission, and how these are translated into everyday behaviour. They need to be alert to whether staff feel safe in expressing their needs and wants and able to be honest with their opinions and complaints. They need to put in place uncomplicated grievance procedures staffed by professionals who are able to emotionally support complainants or victims of unjust treatment. They also need to know whether current policies and procedures are observed and acknowledged by all levels of staff. Organisational empathy: Every level of leadership and board governance body needs to know how the organisation works to benefit from diversity among its people. They need to keep abreast of what the organisation is doing to maintain staff welfare and support staff in maintaining work-life balance—and how it is doing it—and look for evidence that it is genuinely open to learning from both the internal and external environment to build a supportive, friendly and compassionate work community. Organisational self-management: Top management and board directors need to know what mechanisms are in place for resolving conflict and whether they work. They need to be sensitive, unbiased, proactive in problem-solving and preventing the rise of dark leadership in the workplace, and to understand how emotionally intelligent its workforce is and what is needed to support the development of EI for individual and as a group. To do that, it is important that they know how to measure organisational EI, reinforce emotionally intelligent behaviour, encourage such practices, incorporate EI into their learning and development programs and measure the effectiveness of these training efforts. Organisational relationship management: There must be a vibrant understanding of how people build trust in the organisation. Are there trust issues among staff, across different functional departments and at different levels? Do people feel respected, listened to and free to communicate honestly? Do staff members enjoy working in the workplace? Are they proud to be part of the organisation? Do functional departments build collaborative relationships with one another, and with external stakeholders, clients, customers and related communities?

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Attention to and interest in learning about and promoting collective EI is rising. The literature on business and organisational studies is collecting evidence to show that the development of collective EI is not only possible but important, and that it has a significant impact on building a harmonious workplace culture. When all members of an organisation are working with a higher level of EI, they are much more likely to choose cooperation and collaboration over competition, and the organisation will gain benefits in the form of improved work performance and productivity, and a happier and healthier workforce (Clarke, 2010; Cur¸seu et al., 2015; Fernández-Berrocal et al., 2014; Ofighi et al., 2015).

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Chapter 12

Practice Guide and Strategies to Increase EI

12.1 Introduction Emotional Intelligence (EI), as previously noted, is the capacity to recognise, understand, and manage our own feelings so we can respond to those of others effectively and positively. Chapter 1 of this book introduced the various popular models of EI and explained that it is a capability that can be taught and learned. In 1995, Daniel Goleman sparked global interest in EI with his book Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ, and since then, scholars from different disciplines such as business management and leadership, organisational psychology, psychosocial therapy and counselling, education, and personal wellbeing have contributed further insights into how we can understand and apply EI in different aspects of our lives. This chapter focuses on the four domains introduced by Goleman (1995) and presents some practical guides and strategies to help readers to gain a broader and deeper understanding and knowledge of the four domains of EI—self-awareness, other awareness, self-management and relationship-management—and the ability to apply them.

12.2 Self-Awareness Self-awareness is not a modern construct. It was mentioned in Jesuit philosophy the sixteenth century as one of the four pillars of success (Lowney, 2012). Those four pillars were self-awareness, ingenuity, love, and heroism. The Jesuits believed that through constant self-reflection, one could become both more self-aware and able to discover one’s own blind spots and bad habits. What does self-awareness mean to you? There is an overabundance of definitions in the literature that interpret ‘self-awareness’ through many different lenses. Here are some examples:

© The Author(s), under exclusive license to Springer Nature Singapore Pte Ltd. 2022 M. Gonzales, Emotional Intelligence for Students, Parents, Teachers and School Leaders, https://doi.org/10.1007/978-981-19-0324-3_12

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• Self-awareness is the ability to reflect on and accurately assess one’s own behaviours and skills as they are manifested in workplace interactions (McCarthy & Garavan, 1999). • Self-awareness is the capacity to become the object of one’s own attention (Morin, 2006). • Self-awareness is the capacity to allow one’s feelings, thoughts and behaviour into consciousness, especially in the context of a counsellor-client relationship (Oden et al., 2009). • Self-awareness means knowing how one forms beliefs about oneself (Wilson and Dunn, 2004). • Self-awareness is the awareness of one’s feelings, thoughts, reactions and personal values (Pompeo & Levitt, 2014). • Self-awareness is the continuous process of understanding and knowing one’s own identity, beliefs, thoughts, traits, motivations, feelings and behaviour, and recognition of how they affect others; it also involves objectively examining one’s personal beliefs, attitudes, strengths and limitations (Rasheed, 2015). • Self-awareness is the degree to which a person’s self-views reflect what they are really like (Sun & Vazire, 2019). Goleman (1995) describes self-awareness as the ‘keystone’ of EI. He stresses the importance of being able to recognise our own emotions and the impact they have on our lives and those of the people around us, to being able to accurately identify our strengths and limitations, and having self-confidence as a result of knowing our selfworth and capabilities. These elements of EI are important not only in the workplace but also in our personal lives, and in the relationships we build with our family, friends and community. Psychology and sociology scholars have identified that we can gain self-awareness by gaining understanding of our social behaviour and how we communicate with others, and of the layers and dimensions of the self. We can gain understanding of these layers and dimensions by developing our cognitive awareness—that is, recognising our perceptions and how we form concepts and thoughts, understanding that our behaviour is influenced or driven by our conscious and unconscious minds, and recognising how our words and actions, and the way we communicate, affect and impact others (Baumeister, 2005; Beck et al., 2004; Fromm, 1965). Rochat (2018) believes that self-awareness is a complex ability that is developed progressively, in three levels. These are: Level 1—the identified self: As infants, we discover the self from our mirror image and begin to make links between the self as experienced from within, and the self that is displayed in the mirror. Level 2—the permanent self: As we gain more knowledge through our interactions with our environment and other people, we begin to form a self-identity, with a more developed sense of self-conception, self-referent cognition, and a greater understanding of our roles, responsibilities and social relationships. Level 3—the external self: After this, we learn that the ‘self’ is also seen by others and gradually develop the ability to both see ourselves more distinctly to

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understand who we are, and be aware of how others see us and how we fit into our social environment. In a similar vein, Lane et al. (1990) view emotional self-awareness as a cognitive skill and explain this concept using a developmental lens based on Piaget’s the five developmental stages of human development. These stages include: • Stage 1: The sensorimotor reflexive stage, in which the child has awareness of physical sensations but not the ability to explain or express them • Stage 2: The sensorimotor enactive stage, in which the child becomes aware of body sensations and responses with action tendencies: cry to be picked up, smile at the sight of mum approaching. • Stage 3: The pre-operational stage, in which the child is aware of their own feelings and able to name one emotion at a time (e.g., I feel sad, I feel afraid, etc.). • Stage 4: The concrete operational stage, in which the child gains the ability to express a blend of emotions (e.g., I felt happy and worried at the same time when I got elected as the school captain). • Stage 5: The formal operational stage, in which the child gains the ability to distinguish a blend of emotions in the self and others with a higher level of clarity and understanding (e.g., hurting another’s feelings due to one’s own insensitivity, and feeling guilty about it). This school of thought helps to explain why some young children are not yet able to understand or express their own and other’s emotions. It signals the importance of helping children develop an understanding of their own and others’ emotions, and the vocabulary and language needed to express those emotions. Developing a greater emotional awareness can lead to greater behavioural and emotional control, and a stronger ability to endure stress and deal with relationship and situational challenges. Researchers also argue that people who are low on self-awareness are at a tremendous disadvantage and prone to stress and poor mental health (e.g., Bradberry & Greaves, 2009). Goleman (2006) claims that people who fail to understand themselves are more likely to turn to less effective means of managing their moods and emotions, and to experience anxiety, depression and even substance abuse. He adds that self-awareness is a fundamental component of EI which helps us to manage our unruly feelings and motivates us to think and take action. The better we understand our emotions, the easier it is for us to work through problems. However, developing self-awareness and applying the strategies we need to change our behaviour is a process that requires commitment and perseverance. As human beings, we grow and change as we gain new experiences, move into different environments, and interact with different people. Self-awareness is a life-long aptitude that continues to develop as we come to an understanding of our unique strengths and limitations, core values, beliefs and desires. Self-awareness can be quantified or assessed with scientific measures, though these may not totally reflect our true selves. In the commercial world, large corporate and government organisations employ tools such as 360-degree and multi-rater

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assessments to help us see ourselves better by rating our capabilities using measurement scales, so that we can then think more clearly about how we behave and perform. These measurement tools also require co-workers and other stakeholders in the work environment to rate us so that we gain an understanding of how we are seen by others. Today, as HR specialists and organisational psychologists fine-tuned their assessment and reporting skills, more and more people are finding these 360-degree tools helpful for their growth and development of both work skills and people skills in the workplace. For our own personal growth and development, making self-awareness a habit can help to increase our self-confidence and self-worth, and so help us achieve success. It requires us to become more objective in our thinking and develop a self-distanced perspective in order to understand our underlying emotions and what they are telling us, and not dwell on previous relational conflicts and the emotions we experienced during past events. To become more self-aware, we need to develop an understanding of ourselves in different aspects, such as our personality traits, our personal values, our emotions, the psychological needs that drive our behaviours, and our habits (Duval & Silvia, 2002; Kross et al., 2005). There are numerous models, strategies and checklists available to help people develop self-awareness. A list of resources is given at the end of this chapter to give you access to a comprehensive range of tools to develop insights and skills. Some of the more common methods mentioned in the literature include: • Knowing your strengths and limitations: You can make a list of your perceived strengths and weaknesses, ask your family and friends for feedback, or complete formal assessments such as personality tests that are available through work, school, universities or counsellors. • Understand your roles and responsibilities: We all wear different hats in different situations. Try to list all the roles you play in your life, as a son, daughter, spouse, work-partner, professional, sibling, parent, etc. Part II of this book provided a comprehensive discussion of the different aspects of our relationships with our family, spouses, siblings and friends, which may help you gain more insight into your roles and responsibilities in the different parts you play in your life journey. • Learn how to name your emotions: Get into the habit of engaging in selfreflection from time to time, whether you are happy, frustrated or sad. When we are able to name our emotions, we can take a step back from them and appreciate the feeling or mood we are experiencing in a particular situation, and think about what we can learn from it or how to deal with it in the present or future. • Know your values, beliefs and assumptions: Knowing what is important to you in your life—what you believe in—is an essential part of self-knowledge. Dig deep to examine some assumptions you have about yourself (e.g., I am fat and nerdy, I will never find a husband). Sometimes we are blinded by our assumptions and blame others for our misfortunes, or hide behind them to avoid changing. Learn to recognise some productive and unproductive assumptions you hold and think about how they might be affecting you.

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• Identify your self-enhancing and self-destructive behaviours: Life is like a yin-yang symbol. We all have a bright side and a dark side. It is important to be able to recognise both your ‘good self’ and your ‘bad self’. How do you react in a challenging situation? What drives your behaviour? What sort of defence mechanisms do you use to protect yourself? What do you need to work on to change unhelpful behaviours?

12.3 Other Awareness (Social Intelligence) Another key component of EI is other awareness. When we are able to understand ourselves, our emotional needs and how our emotions impact us in different situations, we can learn to bring that awareness to managing our relationships with others. Other awareness is also known as social intelligence. This notion was first introduced by American psychologist Edward Thorndike in the 1920s; he described it as the ability to read and react to social signals and understand, monitor and manage one’s own emotions to fit into a range of social contexts (Thorndike, 1920). He observed that human babies exhibit social intelligence at the age of 6 weeks, and by 18 months they are able to understand complex social cues and others’ intentions. However, as we get older, our social environment becomes more dynamic and complex, and this can be a challenge for people who do not acquire social intelligence easily. Nevertheless, Thorndike claimed that social intelligence is a skill that we can learn, and that we can significantly benefit from doing so.

12.3.1 The Neuroscience of Social Intelligence Neuroscience has discovered that the human brain is literally wired to connect with others, and there are neurobiological components to the experience of empathy. Research suggests that we possess neurons that allow us to learn through the observation and imitation of facial expressions and how people behave in different situations. These neurons, known as mirror neurons, are found in the frontal lobe of the brain. They enable us to identify the emotions and moods of others and help us to understand them. In other words, our brains are constantly responding to our environment, monitoring what is happening in other people and helping us to track their emotions. This explains the common expression ‘to be on the same wavelength as someone’. And emotions are infectious. When we are among happy people, we are generally happy, and when we are in the company of sad people, we will be affected by their sadness. This is why Goleman (2006) pointed out that leaders have to be aware of their emotional states and moods because these influence how their staff feel. He reiterates that work supervisors who want their teams to become productive must lift their moods and motivate them using positive thoughts and encouragement.

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Likewise, teachers and parents need to be aware of how their emotional states affect their children, especially when they are in a learning state.

12.3.2 The Different Aspects of Social Intelligence Some of the more popular writings on social intelligence include • Karl Albrecht’s Social intelligence: The new science of success (2006), • Chris Peterson and Martin Seligman’s Character strengths and virtues: A handbook and classification (2004) and • Daniel Goleman’s Social intelligence: The new science of human relationships (2006). Albrecht (2006) observed how successful business leaders with a high level of social intelligence were able to influence others, while those low on social intelligence caused their staff and followers agony and stress. He created a model of social intelligence with the acronym S.P.A.C.E. to illustrate how the development of these skills increases social intelligence and subsequently impacts others positively. • • • • •

S: Situational awareness P: Presence A: Authenticity C: Clarity E: Empathy

Peter and Seligman (2004) described social intelligence as a character strength that is characterised by six virtues: • Wisdom: the cognitive strength needed to acquire and use of knowledge. • Courage: the emotional strength and determination needed to overcome adversity and achieve goals. • Humanity: the interpersonal strength needed to build relationships and support others. • Transcendence: the spiritual strength needed to connect with the universe and find meaning. • Justice: the strong sense of civic responsibility needed to foster the foundations of a healthy community life. • Temperance: the strength of self-discipline needed to protect against excess. Goleman (2006) further proposed that social intelligence comprises two aspects: social awareness and social facilitation. Social awareness refers to the ability to sense someone else’s inner state and understand their feelings and thoughts and why they feel the way they do. Social awareness as described by Goleman, encompasses:

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• Attunement: the ability to tune in to a person’s feelings through attentive and receptive listening. • Primal empathy: the ability to sense another’s feelings based on observation and visual cues. • Empathic accuracy: the ability to understand not only someone’s thoughts and feelings, but also their intentions. • Social cognition: the knowledge and understanding of how the social world works. Social facilitation explains that we tend to perform differently when we are around others and when we know that our work is appreciated. For example, performers on stage put in more energy when they receive applause and cheers from the audience. When we work side by side with a buddy or a co-worker, we can facilitate (consciously or unconsciously) positive energy and motivation to encourage one another, leading to higher productivity and increased chances of success. According to McLeod (2020), the concept of social facilitation was first introduced by in 1898 by Norman Triplett, who noted that cyclists’ performance was facilitated when they trained as a group. There are two types of social facilitation, the co-action effect (i.e., when people work together to achieve a task they do better than when they work on it alone) and the audience effect (i.e., we are more motivated when we have someone to show appreciation of what we do). However, some people feel nervous and tense and are prone to make more errors when they are being observed in their task performance. As a result, they perform less well than when they work alone, leading them to view themselves with increased self-doubt. This is described as social inhibition (Shrestha, 2017). Subsequent psychology scholars have added further observations of social facilitation to the literature (e.g., Forgas et al., 1980; Strauss, 2002; Zajonc, 1965). They claim that social facilitation involves: • Self-presentation: the ability to present oneself in accordance with the expectations of others based on the role one plays. • Synchrony: the ability to build rapport with others through non-verbal language and cues. • Concern: the ability to demonstrate care and respond to the needs of others. • Influence: the ability to shape the outcomes of social interactions. When we increase our self-awareness and social intelligence, we become better able to understand our emotional and behavioural responses in different circumstances, and understand what affects us physically (drive and arousal), cognitively (distraction and attention) and affectively (anxiety and self-presentation). Then we can understand more clearly how to improve ourselves.

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12.3.3 Empathy Empathy is a major component of social intelligence. It is the ability to emotionally understand how other people feel and see things from their point of view, and it enables us to build social connections with others, drives us to make active attempts to understand them, and promotes helping behaviour. Scientists tell us that the ability to show empathy is influenced by genetics, and that women are more likely to pick up on emotional cues accurately than men (Demetriou, 2018). A scientific research has identified that the gene LRRNI on Chromosome 3, which is an active part of the brain called the Striatum, is related to our capacity to empathise (Warrier et al., 2018). Functional MRI research has also found that the inferior frontal gyrus plays a critical role in the experience of empathy, and that people with damage to this area of the brain generally find it hard to show empathy and have difficulty understanding the emotions of others (Hillis, 2014; Shamay-Tsoory et al., 2009). There are many people who are unable to show empathy and respond with indifference or even hostility when they see others suffering or struggling to deal with challenges. In addition to physiological reasons caused by conditions linked to the dysfunction of part of the frontal lobe of the brain, there can be a range of reasons for this apathy. It can relate to a person’s upbringing and an absence of role models to learn from. It may be due to negative and harsh life experiences that have shaped the individual to become bitter, unkind and inconsiderate. It can be due to a lack of sensitivity and other-awareness for those who are low on EI or who do not have the skills to handle emotional situations and therefore choose to shy away due to the fear of being overwhelmed. It may also be due to cognitive biases due to exposure to misinformation, prejudice and discriminatory thoughts and beliefs, or a preference for following the crowd (e.g., on social media), or a thinking pattern that does not consider facts in a logical and rational manner. However, social scientists have also proven that for those who are not genetically endowed with natural empathy, it is an attitude and a skill that can be learned and developed (Hodges & Myers, 2007; Ratka, 2018). Psychologist Albert Bandura proposed a Social Learning Theory (1977) which suggested that people can increase their social intelligence and capacity for empathy through observation, imitation and modelling based on the people around them. People can increase their experience and practice of empathy by taking the time to listen to others, observing their responses and reactions in different social and formal situations, and learning additional communication skills to improve their understanding of others. The literature on empathy presents three kinds of empathy: affective empathy, cognitive empathy, and somatic empathy. Affective empathy: This is the ability to understand another person’s emotions and feel concerned for their wellbeing, and show a willingness to help. Cognitive empathy: This is the ability to take on another person’s perspective without being emotional ourselves. For example, in a personal or a workrelated conflict, when we have cognitive empathy, we may become more broadminded and take our opponent’s viewpoint into consideration. Cognitive empathy

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is important especially for people in the helping industry, such as psychologists and counsellors, social workers and teachers. Somatic empathy: This involves physically sharing the emotions of another person, for example, crying when we see another person crying, or sharing joy, laughter and fun when among a joyful group of people who are laughing and rejoicing. Having a balance of cognitive and affective empathy can help us establish better relationships with the people we love, our friends and the people we work with. When people feel heard and understood, they are more willing to establish trusting emotional connections with us and working in a more collaborative manner. When we have the capacity to show and exercise cognitive and affective empathy in balance, we can make people feel safe, identify their needs and help them solve problems. And as noted above, empathy is a skill that can be learned, developed and improved. We can strengthen our empathy and social intelligence by: • learning to communicate and develop a repertoire of communication skills. • thinking before we act, and learning to curb our impulsive reactions, especially when emotional or tense. • being mindful of our own reactions, body language and tone of voice. • being mindful of others’ body language, non-verbal cues, tone of voice and situation. • reflecting on events that have triggered emotional tension or conflict. • learning from the past by keeping a journal of what has worked and what has triggered negative emotional responses in us and others. • learning the skills of emotional mapping (i.e., naming the emotions we feel and the emotions that we have observed in others, especially in conflict, and trying to understand the triggers). Some people appear to be able to naturally exude empathy, and demonstrate the ability to effortlessly put someone at ease and build trust. Some of us may need to put in some effort and time to boost our EI and become more empathetic. But with perseverance, time and perhaps some professional coaching, we can improve our empathy skills exponentially and enjoy building rewarding friendships and relationships.

12.3.4 Social Skills Social skills are part of our social intelligence. The involve utilising our social cognition and knowledge of social facilitation to decide when and how to listen, and what to say and what to do in different situations so that we can build and maintain healthy and positive relationships. It comprises social and emotional learning, how we recognise and manage our emotions, and how we form different behaviour patterns in different social situations, facilitate interaction and communication, establish relationships

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with others, follow and observe social rules and use social cues to make decisions and handle relationship challenges (Kabasakal & Çelik, 2010). People who do not have strong social skills tend to face problems with interpersonal interactions and feel socially awkward in social and workplace communications. With a sufficient set of social skills, however, we can enhance our personal development and human connections, productivity, employability and career success. Individuals who are competent in using their social skills are able to follow patterns of behaviour that facilitate understanding and caring for others, enriching communication skills, and effortlessly building rapport with people. Acquiring essential social skills involves learning and understanding the social rules, attitudes and beliefs of our society, including verbal and non-verbal symbols, language and communication modes (Borghans et al., 2006; Hops, 1983; Segrin, 2001). We begin to learn social skills as children through our interactions with our family and other children at school. The building-blocks for early acquisition of social skills include: • Play skills: learning how other children behave at play; learning to take turns and observe rules. • Pre-language skills: understanding non-verbal cues by observing other people’s body language and facial expressions, and recognising pleasure and displeasure based on these experiences. • Attention and concentration: learning to focus on activities and ignore distraction, and to develop patience to complete a task with sustained effort. • Receptive language: learning to listen and understand spoken language and detect emotions through tone of voice, volume and pitch. • Expressive language: learning how to express ourselves with language, speech and tone of voice. • Executive function: learning to develop our cognitive functions by strengthening our attention and memory and developing skills to perform planned tasks. • Self-regulation: learning to control our emotions and behaviour in different social situations. Children with weak social skills might have difficulty making friends, maintaining friendships with peers and communicating effectively with others who are unfamiliar to them. They may also have difficulty expressing their needs and wants and their emotions, interpreting social situations, and understanding jokes or figurative language. Some may have difficulty regulating their emotions in public, dealing with conflict or coping with failure. Many will even carry these social skill deficits into adulthood, where they may encounter more problems in their interpersonal relationships with family, friends and colleagues. As a result, they risk facing peer rejection or developing social anxiety, or other mental health issues such as aggression and anxiety. Some people with introverted personality types may not choose to behave in the same vivacious and bubbly way as their extroverted counterparts, but this does not mean that they have less strong social skills. Many social introverts prefer to interact in small groups and feel awkward or anxious in larger groups like a wedding party

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or business conference. Some appear shy and uneasy when they have to make small talk with strangers or feel drained after a short period of interaction with people. This may mean they appear aloof and unfriendly, so it can be an advantage for introverted individuals to practise being confident in large groups, or develop tactful ways to avoid misunderstandings. That itself is a social skill! There are a myriad of strategies and approaches to help people strengthen their social skills. Many of these were developed by shy or ‘socially awkward’ people who were looking for ways to overcome the difficulties they experienced in coping with social demands. The following are some of these strategies and approaches: Communicating with and understanding others: There are lots of programs and social skills training sessions that people can attend to strengthen their communication skills. Some good examples include improving adolescent social competence and peer interactions, social skills training in groups and 101 ways to improve communication skills. Meeting, mingling and caring: We all learn when we are having fun. When we can buddy up with some caring friends and develop appropriate social skills by observing them as they mingle and meet other friends in different group situations, we can easily pick up helpful interpersonal and social skills. There are also therapeutic programs for individuals with emotional and behavioural challenges or mental health issues that use this form of social training. Taking the initiatives: This is a popular cognitive-behavioural approach used by school counsellors and therapists for socially anxious individuals. After being taught how to take the initiatives and develop relevant skills, students and ‘patients’ learn how to apply these skills in their daily lives and gain feedback and encouragement from their social worker, school counsellor or family therapist (Chung & Watkins, 1995; Yildirim, 2006). Creating an environment of confidence: When parents and teachers are able to develop the knowledge and skills necessary to create a safe environment that nurtures students to develop more self-confidence and social awareness, students who have difficulties in adapting to their social environment can gradually and progressively develop their social and interpersonal skills and self-reliance, and grow comfortable behaving more boldly and proactively (Shapiro, 2004). The same is true for support groups set up to assist those with social anxiety. Getting rid of irrational beliefs: Some people are uncomfortable around others because they have low self-esteem or have lost trust in people due to past pain and hurtful experiences. Talking to a professional (e.g. a coach or psychologist) may help them to clarify issues and reduce the fears and negative thoughts that hinder social participations or relationship building (Ellis, 2004). Developing a sense of responsibility: Some people experience social rejections because they are not aware that their social behaviours are unacceptable. Such behaviours can include rudeness, disrespect for others, racism, misogyny or selfabsorption. These social skill deficits may be a result of having negative role models in their upbringing or being treated rudely and unkindly by others, which can lead to low self-esteem, self-hatred and feeling angry at the whole world.

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These individuals may need more time and effort to learn about themselves, let go of their skewed views and attitudes and unlearn their anti-social behaviours. They need to take responsibility for their lack of social awareness and develop new attitudes and skills so that they can fit in socially again (Burch, 2003; Lickona, 2004). Having a solid set of social skills enables us to connect with others and build friendships and mutually beneficial relationships. We can all benefit from strengthening our social and people skills at different stages of our lives.

12.4 Self-Management Self-management is a significant component of EI. It refers to our ability to control impulsive responses and behaviour, manage our emotions in helpful ways, adapt to changing circumstances, take the initiative and follow through on commitments. Selfmanagement capabilities include self-control, honesty and transparency, adaptability, achievement and optimism.

12.4.1 Self-Control Self-control is our ability to regulate our impulsive and irrational responses in order to steer clear of undesirable behaviours. It includes avoiding temptation and delaying gratification, and developing and increasing desirable traits such as eating a healthy diet, exercising regularly, being aware of our bad habits and eliminating them, developing perseverance and self-discipline, setting worthwhile goals achieving them. Exercising self-control can be a challenge for many of us. When we become more self-aware of our bad behaviour and really want to make changes, we must set achievable goals and work towards them step by step. It can be easier if we share these goals with our loved ones, our friends, or mentors, coaches or teachers, as these people can help us monitor our progress and encourage us to persist and achieve. Self-control and self-regulation also require metacognitive skills. People with higher metacognitive abilities are more able to overcome setbacks and make the necessary changes to complete tasks and achieve goals, because they know how to assess their thought process and reframe the way they think to meet the demands of their new situations. Metacognitive skills include knowing our own learning styles, abilities and needs, and knowing how to plan effectively, access resources required, organise our time, space, resources and human support, monitor our progress, learn from our mistakes, evaluate our task success and change our strategies to adjust to different pressures or difficulties. It also requires us to engage in critical thinking, lateral thinking and creative thinking to make decisions and solve problems encountered. To put self-control and self-regulation into practice, we can:

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be mindful of our thoughts and feelings. practice our communication skills. use cognitive reframing to change our thought patterns and emotional responses. build our distress tolerance skills. find ways to manage our difficult emotions. look at challenges as opportunities. recognise that we have a choice in how we respond to challenging situations. work on accepting our emotions.

Having the resilience needed to overcome difficulties and setback is an advantage in life. People who are more resilient can bounce back from failures more easily, and try again with more determination, a stronger sense of purpose, hopefulness and positive self-talk.

12.4.2 Honesty and Transparency Being honest means being truthful, trustworthy and open. It also means being true to ourselves, and not pretending to be someone we are not. It means upholding what we believe in with integrity and living by our highest values, and behaving in a moral, ethical way even when no one is watching. People with integrity are dependable, responsible, trustworthy, reliable, thoughtful towards others, respectful, and committed to doing the right thing even if they are tempted with gains and perks. It is sometimes a tall order to be totally honest, as we all lie a little in one way or another. What matters is being honest with ourselves and making an effort to be open and truthful with others as much as we can. Transparency is a term more commonly used to describe work relationships, especially in leadership. It is essential to establish trust among the people we work with. A person who is ‘transparent’ has nothing to hide; leaders who are transparent show empathy and compassion to the people they work with, genuinely listen to others and do not shy away from criticisms, and invite suggestions and opinions in a positive and open way. They are willing to confront difficult situations, take risks and bear the consequences of their decisions. They provide access to information, communicate goals, procedures and processes clearly and do not sweep bad news or mistakes under the carpet. They also consult and involve people in making important decisions, and value openness, accountability and communication.

12.4.3 Adaptability Adaptability is the ability to rapidly learn new behaviours and skills in order to respond to changing circumstances in our lives. We all go through different changes and face new demands at different stages of our lives—moving from toddlerhood

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to going to ‘big school’, moving from childhood to adolescence and then into the multi-faceted demands of adulthood, building our career, getting married, starting a family, being parents, getting promotions, changing jobs, moving to other countries, etc. The current COVID-19 pandemic is a big test of our adaptability due to mobility restrictions, the need to working from home, worries about health threats, and being separated from our friends and relatives due to lockdown rules (Tu et al., 2020). Even without exceptional challenges such as this, we all need to take a breath and step out of our comfort zone to do something new sometimes. That requires courage and adaptability. Being adaptable means working without limitations on our thinking and actions, and not becoming overwhelmed by changes and giving in to dread of the unknown. It means choosing to embrace challenge and being open to finding diverse and unexpected solutions to problems in our lives, our relationships and our work. And it means not being afraid to start over when we suffer from harsh adversity, such as fires, war or the loss of a loved one to death or relationship breakdown. In the workplace, adaptable leaders are the ones who can identify where change is necessary for the betterment of the organisation and business. They are the ones who remain positive in times of challenges and hardship, and keep their teams motivated. They are open-minded and willing to consider solutions from different points of view, and value contributions from staff members at every level. People who are adaptable do not grow old because they have a growth mindset and make sure to keep pace with the changing times. Adaptable leaders and workers are willing to try different strategies and use different tools to achieve the best outcomes. They are positive thinkers who believe that if there is a will, there is a way (Reupert et al., 2017). We can all become more adaptable by observing how others combat adversity and remain strong, and developing a positive and optimistic ‘Yes we can!’ mindset. Always be on the lookout for the silver linings when you are weathering heavy storms. Be willing to make mistakes and learn from them. And, as Steve Jobs once said, ‘Be curious, be hungry’. Having a curious mind leads us to want more in our lives. When we are hungry for a needed change, we will not be deterred by setbacks but learn new ways to adapt and find solutions to achieve our goals (Price-Robertson et al., 2017).

12.4.4 Achievement A strong desire to achieve is the difference between being ordinary and being outstanding. Achievements are the building blocks to success in life. Superstars like Angela Merkle, Mohammed Ali, Steve Jobs, Bill Gates and Barack and Michelle Obama, all have a strong drive to achieve, which helped them overcome negative forces that placed obstacles in their journey to success. Their self-confidence, conviction and desire to achieve propelled them to rise up time and time again, dust off the dirt, lick their wounds and start again. People with a strong sense of achievement do not buy into instant gratification. They are emotionally strong and aware of

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their strengths and limitations, and know how to develop themselves at different life stages and points in their careers. They have attitudes and abilities that include selfawareness, open-mindedness, self-advocacy, problem-solving and relational skills, which are the core requirements for them to take charge of their lives. And above all, their desire to success is not self-focused, but is aimed at the common good. They have the growth mindset and intelligence necessary to set goals, evaluate options and make the right choices to achieve their goals.

12.4.5 Optimism The dictionary definition of optimism is ‘a disposition or tendency to look on a more favourable side of events to expect the most favourable outcome’. However, Goleman and Davidson (2017) inform us that optimism, which is a form of social cognition, is a skill that can be learned and developed. Scholars have proven that optimism is a mental attitude that strongly influences our physical and mental health (e.g., Aspinwall et al., 2001; Martínez-Correa et al., 2006; Matthews et al., 2004). Using patient recovery rates and survival chances as evidence, medical studies show us that patients who are optimistic are significantly more successful in their recovery from life-threatening diseases such as cancer and cardiovascular health concern then those who hold more pessimistic attitudes (Rasmussen et al., 2006; Steele & Wade, 2004). Scheier and Carver (1985) claimed that optimistic patients actively look for coping strategies and social supports to help them recover, while pessimistic patients who felt hopeless showed more somatic complaints (Martínez-Correa et al., 2006). Schou et al. (2005) found that optimistic women with breast cancer showed coping strategies characterised by acceptance of the situation and hopeful beliefs, and learned to alleviate their worries by engaging in fun and relaxing activities, enjoying companionship and time with loved ones, and having a strong sense of humour; all of these qualities led to improvements in their quality of life, and for some, recovery from their health challenges. In addition to the correlation between optimism and health, business studies have also found that optimism influences entrepreneurial success, and helps stressful people to overcome challenges by using humour to reframe their thoughts and acceptance strategies to cope with difficulties that they deemed uncontrollable). Some scholars have also found that optimism is an attribute of classroom success, especially amongst socio-economically disadvantaged students, and that teachers who are optimistic are able to have a positive influence on their students, leading to learning improvement and academic success (Beard et al., 2010; Crane & Crane, 2007; Hoy et al., 2006; Thomas, 2011). Happily, psychologists and scholars in the field of organisational behaviour inform us that optimism can be learned (Meevissen et al., 2011; Miller, 2001; Peters et al., 2010; Seligman, 2011). Here are some of the strategies found in the literature:

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• Adopt a growth mindset and positive thinking • Practise ignoring negative thoughts and switching to thinking of something pleasant as soon as some negative thoughts come to your mind • Consider what went well instead of just focusing on what went wrong. • Set realistic goals and expectations, and adopt a ‘Plan B’ thinking mode. • Record periodic progress when pursuing a long-term goal (e.g., weekly, monthly). • Practice gratitude. People who are religious can thank their God for guidance, and people who are not can be thankful that good things have happened and be grateful for what they have. • Refrain from negative rumination, and let bygones be bygones. We all make mistakes. Move on. • Find the positive in difficult situations wherever and whenever possible. • Remember that you can’t control others or change them. You can only manage your emotions and how you respond to people who hurt you or are not nice to you. • Take action on the things you can control. • Surround yourself with optimistic people and reduce contact with negative individuals who are always finding fault or complaining. • Remember to smile. It can change your mood. • Anticipate with excitement. Be like a child again—got excited about little advantages like learning to cook something new or attending a special event. • And remember that nothing is permanent. Things will change in time. Sometimes we have to endure the unknown and some amount of suffering related to the challenges you are facing, but it will always pass. Look for the light at the end of the tunnel. At the work level, EI and social intelligence involve not only interpersonal skills but our understanding of the organisation (workplace) as a whole. Many people, especially professionals such as teachers, nurses, doctors and lawyers are very focused on their technical and professional skills and not mindful enough of the relational aspects of their work life. It is time we all started to think not only as individual contributors, but also as pillars of the organisations we belong to. Understanding and facilitating relationship harmony is crucial to a happy and healthy work life. The following section therefore presents two key organisation (workplace) social intelligence skills that are helpful for leadership and work harmony.

12.5 Organizational Awareness Goleman and Davidson (2017) tell us that if we want to excel in our workplace or business, we must have adequate knowledge of the organisation we work in. This involves having the ability to connect with our colleagues, co-workers, bosses and supervisors, clients and other stakeholders, and a grasp of the power relationships, influencers, cliques, networks and dynamics within the organisation. The authors

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also alert us that people with ‘organisational attention deficit’ are likely to miss out on the data they need to make sound decisions, and not be able to focus energy on things that matter in the workplace. The three areas we need to observe and develop to have good organisational awareness are: 1. 2. 3.

an internal awareness of factors that most people do not really pay attention to, such as the emotional climate and people’s collective mood and enthusiasm. the relational dynamics from staff groups to external suppliers and competitors. the economic and political climate and forces that influence the organisation or workplace.

Goleman also indicates that when we are able to recognise networking opportunities and observe key power relationships, we are better equipped to handle the demands of the workplace. When we are aware of the guiding values and unspoken rules in operation and develop our organisational awareness competency, we will be better able to sense the personal networks that make the organisation run, know how to gain support from the right people in order to make key decisions, and form partnerships to get something done. Organisational awareness is especially important for people who are external to an organisation, such as IT support, project managers and teams, HR contractors and coaching consultants. Having a big-picture understanding of the organisational structure, policies and procedures, and taking the time to zoom in on and understand its human relationship dynamics and the complexity of interactions among individuals, teams and departments, will help external contractors gain more insight into the solutions the organisation is looking for and help them to meet goals.

12.6 Relational Management Goleman et al. (2002) introduced the concept of ‘primal leadership’ and explained that a leader’s primal task is an emotional one—to reach people with a sense of purpose by motivating them with goals and messages that resonate with their emotional reality, and support them at both an emotional and a relational level. To do that, leaders must develop not only EI, but also social intelligence and relationship management skills. Some of these skills include: Knowing how to inspire: This involves knowing what is important to staff members and aligning organisational goals by sharing a compelling vision and a sense of common purpose that will engage teams and support them in achieving these goals. Developing skills in influence: This involves developing proficiencies in communication in order to persuade and engage others by showing respect for their talents and appreciation for their hard work, in order to gain buy-ins for plans and projects. Knowing how to develop others: This requires an understanding of the personal aspirations of different members of staff and an understanding of their skills,

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talents, strengths and development needs. It also involves developing strong communication skills in order to give constructive feedback, handle conflict and energise others. Becoming a change catalyst: We live in a fast-changing world that demands that we not only to be able to accept and cope with change but also lead change. Facing change is a highly emotional challenge. Leaders and work colleagues who have the skills and talents to support others are therefore assets to an organisation. An effective change catalyst can create not only a sense of urgency that convinces others that change is necessary, but also a safe environment to lead them through the progressive change process. Knowing how to manage conflict: Conflict is inevitable, whether in our personal life or our work life, and knowing how to manage conflict is a necessary survival skill. Instead of avoiding conflict, we need to develop competence to address it by understanding different perspectives, identifying common ground for all parties involved and finding solutions that benefit everyone. At the same time, it is important to support those who suffer stress and anxiety caused by conflict. Develop skills in leading teamwork and collaboration: Leaders at all levels need to develop teamwork and collaboration skills, and teach and mentor team members in how to be team players. Those who can model respect, helpfulness and cooperation with others are able to build active, enthusiastic commitment, generate team spirit and collective effort, and form a team identity. This chapter has presented some practical strategies and guides for how to develop and boost our EI. Some readers may find some of the elements discussed a bit too idealistic, but we stand at different points along the development spectrum in our personal and professional life, and idealism can inspire people and mobilise them to take action. It is also important to be realistic, though. Ask yourself: How far am I from my ideal self? What is possible and doable? What do I need to change? What can I do on my own and what do I need help with? How and where can I get support? What are the transitional challenges? Decide for yourself what you want to achieve. Success comes over time, not overnight. Start where you are. Use what you have. Do what you can. Believe and achieve.

Resources Activities and Tools • 17 Self-Awareness Activities and Exercises (+Test). From https://positivepsychol ogy.com/self-awareness-exercises-activities-test/ • tools to increase your self-awareness and make it your unfair advantage in business. From https://imogenroy.medium.com/4-tools-to-increase-your-self-awaren ess-and-make-it-your-unfair-advantage-in-business-6dde523c16b1

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• A Comprehensive Guide to Cultivating Self-Awareness: A Foundational Skill for Emotional Intelligence by Scott Jeffrey. From https://scottjeffrey.com/self-awa reness-activities-exercises/ YouTube Resources • Sparks: How Youth Thrive | Peter Benson | TEDxTChttps://www.youtube.com/ watch?v=TqzUHcW58Us • Increase your self-awareness with one simple fix | Tasha Eurich | TEDxMileHigh https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tGdsOXZpyWE • The Power of Self-Awareness | William L. Sparks | TEDxAsheville https://www. youtube.com/watch?v=R9qVa4LoJx8 • 14 Social Skills to Help You Win in Life https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4nm 3vgg8k-0

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Chapter 13

Emotional Intelligence and Adolescent Mental Health

13.1 Introduction Our mental health is just as important as our physical health. Good mental health is vital for healthy adolescent development. A high level of emotional intelligence is associated with good mental health. Children and adolescents who are emotionally intelligent are more positive about themselves, have healthier relationships with family and friends, are able to cope with changes and challenges, and generally feel happier and optimistic. This chapter discusses how schools can help to increase students’ social-emotional intelligence by using a combination of EI models. Evidence-based data are presented to illustrate how youth mental issues can be prevented with emotional intelligence skills and competence. Complemented with research data, the chapter also discusses the effectiveness of some school programs used internationally, and how they benefit students in the improvement of their mental health and wellbeing.

13.2 Adolescent Mental Health and EI Mental health refers to our cognitive, emotional and behavioural wellbeing. Some scholars viewed mental health as the positive adaptive functioning to one’s environment, and the adaptivity to cope with changes of mood (Campbell-Sills et al., 2006). The World Health Organization (1979) defines mental health as a “state of wellbeing whereby individuals recognize their abilities, are able to cope with the normal stresses of life, work productively and fruitfully, and make a contribution to their communities.” The U.S. Department of Health and Human Services (1999) defines mental health as: “Basic cognitive and social skills; ability to recognize, express and modulate one’s own emotions, as well as empathize with others; flexibility and ability to cope with adverse life events and function in social role.” And the Scottish Public Mental Health Alliance (SCOTPHO, 2012) describes mental health as “a positive © The Author(s), under exclusive license to Springer Nature Singapore Pte Ltd. 2022 M. Gonzales, Emotional Intelligence for Students, Parents, Teachers and School Leaders, https://doi.org/10.1007/978-981-19-0324-3_13

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resource that enables one to cope with life’s demanding conditions and identified sense of self-worth and esteem, empathy, the ability to express emotions, to form and maintain healthy relationships, and to effectively communicate with others.” As young people transition from childhood to adulthood, they go through a unique period of multiple changes: physical, psychological, social, and emotional. Their developing sense of self and emotional competence corresponds to their environmental demands and influences. Coping and adapting to these changes can be distressing and challenging at times. Normative and maladaptive thinking and behavioural patterns can shape their future. Good mental health helps young people to have a greater sense of calm and inner peace, increase their self-esteem and self-confidence, have clearer thinking, manage their moods, and cope with changes. Being a teenager can be exciting and challenging. Life for them can be sweet, embarrassing, awkward, and everything in between. For some, it is a dilemma because sometimes they are still treated as children, but at other times they are expected to act like adults. Mental health issues are common amongst adolescents because they are still learning to cope with new experiences. These common issues include feeling stressed, having low self-esteem, loneliness, having relationship issues at home, self-image challenges, academic and school pressure, and some may have financial worries. Some of these challenges may be temporary, and with support from adults, many young people would learn coping strategies and move on with their lives. However, the effect of cumulative stress may become a risk factor leading to mental health issues. Young people who do not know how to get help or advice may resort to escapist behaviour and develop mental health challenges like eating disorders, digital addiction, school bullying, substance abuse, self-harm, and may even have suicidal thoughts.

13.2.1 Eating Disorders The teenage years can be exhilarating and trying. During this period, teenagers are learning to adapt and cope with challenges and new experiences. Some may turn to food for comfort, while others may pay too much attention to their changing body image and refrain from eating proper healthy meals. Eating disorders in young people have become an increasing problem in our societies (Bagaric et al., 2020). Eating disorders are an obsession with food or body image that leads to unhealthy eating habits. Severe cases of eating disorders can cause serious health problems including brain damage or even death. A recent report (Deloitte Access Economic, 2020) shows that worldwide, over fifty million teens across the world have an eating disorder, with five and a half million in the U.S., three million from the U.K., and over 900,000 from Australia. Research found that eating disorders may be caused by factors that are biological, psychological, or social. Biological causes include the amount of physical activity that an individual engages in, and the metabolic rate of an individual. Some people tend to burn fat faster than others due to genetic factors. It also includes health conditions such as

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insulin resistance and diabetic conditions. Psychological factors include body image dissatisfaction, personality traits (e.g., someone who desires perfection), behavioural inflexibility, and mental conditions such as anxiety disorder. Social factors include being victims of bullying and teasing, cultural expectation of how a person should look (e.g., in Asian culture, girls are expected to be slim), the desire to be popular and admired, loneliness, and lack of social support, thus turning to food for security and relief of stress (Isomaa et al., 2009). The more common types of eating disorders include: Anorexia nervosa: People with this disorder have an intense fear of gaining weight even when they are actually underweight. They have a dislike for food and are generally unhealthily thin. This condition can lead to severe health conditions, which may sometimes be fatal. Bulimia nervosa: People with this condition also fear weight gain but will eat at meal times, sometimes in large amounts, then make themselves vomit. This is also harmful to their health in the long run. Binge eating disorders: People who binge eat uncontrollably turn to food for comfort to help them cope momentarily when they are confronted with disappointment or upsetting events. As a result, many may become overweight and develop other harmful health conditions (Kotler et al., 2001). It is important that young people develop a positive self-image through being selfaware. Self-awareness is a key component of emotional intelligence. Adolescents with strong self-awareness know who they are, why they react to situations the way they do, and have a stronger sense of direction and life purpose. It helps them to understand things from multiple perspectives and free them from assumptions and biases. Emotional competence such as self-awareness will help young people to be more confident, make better decisions, and to have the power to cope with challenges.

13.2.2 Digital Addiction The fast-paced progression of online digital technology has gifted us with boundless opportunities to learn, to connect with others, to create and innovate. Digital technology has advanced us with greater ease of doing business, buying and selling online, doing our banking and accounting, and even teaching and learning from home. Online games as a form of digital entertainment have given us over thirty years of enjoyment in different modes. Their attractiveness and variety thrilled us to no limits. Children and adults enjoy using digital technology to communicate with others and to keep themselves occupied and entertained in one way or another. Increasingly, teenagers are gaining limitless access to digital technology with the introduction of multifunctional portable devices. Many also use them for school learning. A 2017 OECD report informs us that nine out of ten young teens in OECD countries have access to a smartphone, a tablet, or a laptop.

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The report also found that eighty-four per cent of OECD students engage in social media to connect with their friends with seventy-three per cent using mainly Facebook and sixty-two per cent engaging in other social media platforms, including online chats on a daily basis. Seventy-two percent of these students reported that they feel ‘pressured’ to check their digital device constantly to connect with their friends. Woods and Scott (2016) cautioned that this sort of ‘emotional investment’ may lead to emotional stress, higher levels of anxiety, and sometimes affect the sleeping patterns of young people. Digital games are fun and engaging and have been found to benefit young people in increasing their imagination, and helping them to expand their vocabulary and general knowledge; some games are designed to help young people to learn about the environment, history, geography, science, and even cookery and fashion design. They help them to set goals and develop persistence to reach these step-by-step goals, building their thinking and strategic skills in a progressive manner (OECD, 2018). Many also develop a range of computer skills and become technologically savvy. This may be helpful for their future career choices, such as becoming digital artists, game designers, software developers, or hardware engineers. Students who are shy and introverted can join in multi-player online games and play collaboratively with others to achieve game goals. A U.K. study found that young people who engaged in digital games for around two hours during weekdays and four hours during weekends have experienced little negative effect on their learning and emotional health (Przybylski & Bowes, 2017). Unfortunately, digital game addiction has become a problem for teens around the world leading to mental and physical health issues. Research found that young people with little parental guidance, and those with an insecure attachment to their parents are more prone to digital game addiction. Many spend hours online to escape reality and avoid facing unpleasant experiences associated with family conflict, relational complications, academic challenges, and personal problems. Excessive screen time engagement is not only harmful to one’s vision, but it can also cause chronic neck and back problems, insomnia and loss of appetite. Game addiction is especially severe in Asia because many Asian children are not as athletic as their counterparts in western culture, and few value team sports and outdoor physical activities. This will also compromise their immune system (OECD, 2012). Studies have also produced evidence that digital addiction in young people leads to many social problems and mental health issues, such as cyberbullying, self-image issues leading to eating disorders, excessive aggression due to a lack of coping skills and social skills, anxiety disorders and depression (Pew Research Center, 2018; Przybylski & Bowes, 2017). In fulfilling their social and community responsibilities, tech giants such as Facebook, Microsoft and Nintendo have online support services to help children and teens with their digital addiction problems. For example, Facebook has a Bullying Prevention Hub to help young people learn about bullying and how to seek help, while Microsoft, Sony, and Nintendo provide online guides and videos for adults to teach them how to set time limit and content restrictions on their game systems to protect children. Unfortunately, not too many parents and teachers are aware of these

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platforms, and not much is known about the effectiveness of these support programs (Woods & Scott, 2016; Yager et al., 2013). Despite the accumulating demands on school leaders and school teachers, suggestions have been made for schools to do more to help prevent and reduce digital game addiction and over-usage of digital devices. One way of doing so is to equip teachers with skills and knowledge in digital literacy and learn how to empower children to exercise self-control and self-regulation in their usage of digital technology (OECD, 2014; Poli, 2017; Vannucci et al., 2017). Some helpful suggestions and strategies for parents, teachers and young people can be found in the Resource section at the end of this chapter.

13.2.3 School Bullying A 2018 OECD report on school life for students has revealed that twenty-three per cent of the students across all OECD reported being bullied at least a few times a month. Students who reported being frequently exposed to bullying also reported feeling a range of negative emotions including fear, sadness, and depression. Boys who are low-achieving students appeared more likely to be bullied than those with higher academic achievement. It was also noted that a higher rate of bullying occurred in schools where the school climate did not support a sense of belonging in all students. In an earlier report, Cross et al. (2009) found bullying was more common in Year 5 and Year 8. Surprisingly, eighty-seven per cent of the students in this study reported that they had witnessed bullying interactions and did nothing to help, most of them claiming they did not know what to do, or felt that it was nothing unusual worth reporting. Research shows that young people bully for a variety of reasons. Some of the reasons for bullying identified in the literature (Doehne et al., 2018; Earnshaw et al., 2018; Plamondon et al., 2021; Shetgiri, 2013; Tippett & Wolke, 2014) include: • • • • • •

A desire for power A desire for popularity Peer pressure Problems at home Prejudice Bullying just for fun

It is well documented that victims of bullying suffer negative consequences, from being anxious and fearful, to adopting maladaptive coping strategies, or even becoming bullies themselves at a later stage. It is also found that most bullying victims are nervous, shy, vulnerable, and have low resilience attributes. Other studies suggest that bullying victims are often lonely, have difficulty making friends, and are more likely to be avoided by their peers (Kochel et al., 2015; Nansel et al., 2004). Bullying victims reported more intense emotional problems such as anxiety and depression

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than other students. There is also a likelihood that they are more at risk in developing emotional disorders such as anxiety, depression, substance abuse, anti-social personality disorders, and even psychosis (Stein et al., 2007). Evidence was given in an Australian adolescents report that bullying victims had the highest rates of self-harm, suicidal thoughts, and attempted suicide (Ford et al., 2017). Alarmingly, some bullying victims have admitted to thoughts of taking a gun or a weapon to school to protect themselves, or even to using it to commit major acts of violence against the bullies and other students who remained silent bystanders (Glew et al., 2008; Unnever, 2005). Currently, many schools worldwide engage in a whole-school approach to address the problem of bullying using preventive strategies, effective pedagogy, and developing strong school-parent partnerships. In addition, school leaders and educators now understand that helping students to develop a higher level of emotional intelligence and preparing them with skills to manage their emotions and developing resilience and problem-solving skills are more effective and would yield more positive results.

13.2.4 Substance Abuse Substance abuse refers to the excessive consumption of alcohol and other drugs (legal or illegal) to cope with emotional unrest or painful experiences. Some people are also addicted to inhaling petrol or glue to gain a heightened stimulation in their brains. The use of highly addictive drugs (including alcohol) can lead to increased dependence and craving. An addicted person will experience withdrawal symptoms which are very uncomfortable and debilitating (Johnson et al., 2014). Many young people use drugs or consume alcohol out of curiosity, or to feel ‘grown up’ and be part of a group. Some may do so to ‘relax’ or have fun, to escape boredom and loneliness, or to distract themselves from mental or physical pain or challenges. Medical reports have found that substance abuse in teens will affect their brain growth and physical development. Many have problems with sleeping, poor appetite, and some may even have high blood pressure or heart conditions. They are more likely to engage in risky behaviour such as fighting, dangerous driving, or even criminal activities to get money to buy drugs (Kann et al., 2014). Currently, there are educational programs embedded in the school curriculum, such as drug education and family life education. In addition to these programs, the teaching of social emotional learning will also help students to understand their problems, learn skills and competence to self-regulate, problem solve, and make better choices.

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13.2.5 Teen Depression and Suicidal Thoughts Teen suicide is also a prevailing mental health-related problem in many countries. One study claimed that there are eleven youth suicides every day in the U.S. (Drapeau & McIntosh, 2015). Globally, according to the World Health Organization, suicide was the second leading cause of death among fifteen- to twenty-nine-year-olds in 2016. That year, about 60,000 boys and girls between the ages of ten and nineteen died by suicide. The suicide rate was highest in India and Bangladesh amongst young people who struggled in poverty. Other young people, such as those in Japan and South Korea, committed suicide due to academic pressure and poor family relationships (WHO, 2016). Major risk factors identified include mental health issues, poor family relationships and weak parental support, loneliness and absence of friendship and peer support, alcohol and drug use, and being bullied or abused physically, sexually or psychologically. It was also found that ninety-per cent of the young people who committed suicide had mental health issues, and over fifty per cent of them suffered from depression (Holt et al., 2015; McKinnon et al., 2016). Depression, also known as major depressive disorder or clinical depression, is a mood disorder that causes persistent feelings of sadness and hopelessness. In children and adolescents, symptoms can include irritability, excessive worries, physical aches and pains, moodiness, anger, low sense of self-worth, poor attention, lack of interest in everything, extreme sensitivity and reactivity. They may even have eating disorders and sleeping problems. It could be linked to the change of brain chemistry, or hormonal imbalance, or it could be associated with personality traits. Some people are more sensitive than others and tend to repress their feelings (American Psychiatric Association, 2017). Some scholars found that suicidal behaviour tend to be associated with young people who are aggressive and impulsive, and deficient in coping and problemsolving skills (Smischney et al., 2014). Adolescents with low socioeconomic status who live with a single parent are also prone to engage in suicidal thoughts. Since the turn of the century, schools worldwide have put in place policies to identify at-risk students and help them with guidance and referrals to other trained professionals, such as child psychologists and counsellors. More and more schools have put in place suicide prevention programs to heighten the awareness of teachers and parents in observing suicidal symptoms, and educational programs to develop necessary knowledge and skills to address mental health problems (Erbacher et al., 2015; Huberty, 2006). These programs include skills in developing self-awareness, stress management, coping and resilience skills, problem solving, and communication skills. Some components of these programs also incorporate helping students to be aware of their thoughts and identify signs of behaviour associated with suicidal risks, and also to be aware of these signs in their friends. Other schools have student assistant programs guided by policies and a student suicide safety plan. Some partnered with mental health services in the community and offer individual counselling,

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and group counselling sessions for identified at-risk students (Zenere & Lazarus, 2009). Studies have also found that school-based suicide prevention programs are effective in heightening students’ awareness, increasing their knowledge, and helping them to develop a more positive attitude towards suicide prevention. What they found to be most helpful was that from these programs, more students have learnt to develop help-seeking skills and problem-solving skills with their social relationships (Calear et al., 2014; Cusimano & Sameem, 2011). Other researchers have also reported that students who received instructional intervention on mental health issues presented more sensitivity and empathy towards their peer who showed at risk behaviour (Naylor et al., 2009). On the other hand, some studies have reported that not all of these school-based programs were effective. Miller et al. (2009) looked at thirteen programs and found that only two of them offered strong evidence to show a reduction in suicide attempts or improved knowledge and attitudes towards depression and suicide. This suggests that school leaders and teachers must understand the seriousness of youth suicidal thoughts and be given adequate learning and development to effectively help their students. Cigularov et al. (2008) detected two major barriers to effectively identify students who are at risk of suicide. They found that many with suicidal thoughts and tendencies are reluctant to get help, because some fear being stigmatised, some cannot find a trusted adult to talk to, some have had similar experiences and did not find the intervention helpful, and some just do not want to talk about it. Another barrier is associated with the peers of the at-risk students. Some of them seemed to be overprotective and did not want their friend to be ‘in trouble’, or they have promised them to keep their secrets about suicidal thoughts, or they just do not have the maturity and skills to know what to do. Teen suicide is a very complex challenge, but it is preventable. School leaders and teachers need to be equipped with more knowledge and skills to understand the complexity of this issue. By forming partnerships with mental health agencies and organisations, a school can gain more resources and learn more strategies. Helping students to develop their social-emotional intelligence is one beneficial approach.

13.2.6 The School’s Role in Promoting Positive Mental Health School in the twenty-first century is no longer an institution that imparts knowledge with books and information delivery. This antiquated school-factory model is now replaced by a dynamic and evolving one that changes with time and societal demands. The learning environment is no longer confined to the classroom but extends into the home and the community. Students are not just consumers of curriculum plans but are active creators of knowledge and capacity building. They are no longer taught

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but are inspired and nurtured to take charge of their own learning and develop their individual potential and talents. Being a teacher is a multifaceted profession. Teaching is an art as well as a science. It involves knowledge and skills in pedagogies as well as the development of relationship capability. Young teachers in this generation are coached and inspired to adapt and adopt new practices to manifest the essence of the education philosophy of whole-child development by being caring, knowledgeable, responsible, and able to lead change. However, teachers are not super beings. The demands on them are too intense. It is therefore vital that they learn to work collaboratively and share their talents and diverse strengths to meet the different challenges placed upon them. Teachers choose their profession because they are passionate about making a difference in young peoples’ lives. When they partner with other members of the school community, they will ease their burden and find more satisfaction in their vocation.

13.3 EI Models Used in Education Emotional intelligence is generally understood to be an individual’s capability to perceive, understand and manage one’s own emotions, to use emotional information to guide thinking and behaviour, to show empathy towards others and use effective social and people skills to build relationships with others, and to enhance positive and helpful interpersonal relationships. The three most common models in EI are: The Ability Model (AEI), The Trait Model (TEI), and the Mixed Model, which is a combination of the two previous models with a focus on social emotional intelligence (SEI).

13.3.1 Ability Emotional Intelligence (AEI) Ability Emotional Intelligence (AEI) is defined as “one’s capacity to process emotional information accurately and efficiently, including information that is relevant to the recognition, construction, and regulation of emotion in oneself and others” (Mayer & Salovey, 1995, p. 197). This capacity embraces the ability to truthfully perceive emotions in oneself and to manage one’s emotions, to use emotions to facilitate thinking, to understand the emotions of others, to understand emotional signals sent through non-verbal cues, and to have the ability to manage emotions in order to attain goals (Mayer & Salovey, 1997). Following the introduction of Howard Gardner’s concept of Multiple Intelligences in 1983, growing attention was focused on exploring other aspects of human intelligence pertaining to relevant information about the construct of general intelligence. Mayer et al. (2000) acknowledge the notion that the construct of AEI embraces intrapersonal and interpersonal intelligences and other aspects of the multiple intelligences described by Gardner, and should be regarded as a domain of intelligence.

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Likewise, Mayer and his colleagues (2008) have produced empirical evidence to substantiate that AEI plays an important role in understanding a diverse domain of human abilities. John Carroll (1993) points out that AEI incorporates the inclusion of other intelligences, combining perceptual organisation, visualisation, and verbal comprehension. He further explains that intelligence develops with age and experience, reflects mental performance rather than behavioural attributes, and can be described as a set of related abilities. This means students can develop and increase their AEI through school education and other experience-learning opportunities in extracurricular activities. There is a range of tools developed by researchers who investigated the development of EI in school children and adolescents. Amongst them, two commonly used assessment tools include: 1.

2.

The Mayer-Salovey-Caruso Emotional Intelligence Test (MSCEIT-YRV) (2002) This assessment tool is designed to assess the EI of young people aged between ten and eighteen. It measures how they perceive emotions, facilitate thoughts with emotions, and understand and manage them. It includes their capacity to associate reasons with feelings, and their capacity to enhance thoughts with emotions. It also measures how well these young individuals can perform tasks and solve emotional problems. The Emotional Intelligence Scale for Children (EISC) (Sullivan, 1999) This assesses the ability of children to identify, understand, control, and use emotions. The assessments are carried out through different activities, such as perceiving emotions through interpreting facial expressions, musical activities and stories, understanding emotions through brief vignettes, and managing emotions through interactive stories.

There are both strengths and limitations in these measurement instruments, and critics have pointed out the pros and cons of using these and other similar assessment tools. However, they provide educators, psychologists and professionals working with children the basic information on the strengths and development needs of the children they work with. Through using these tools and employing other quantitative and qualitative studies, a volume of data has substantiated that young people with high AEI tend to gain positive outcome from various aspects of life. For example, Fine et al. (2003) found that AEI positively correlates with good social relations in school children and negatively correlates with social deviance. Similarly, Brackett et al. (2006) found correlated aspects of AEI in how young people relate with their family and the understanding of self and others in relationships. They also confirmed that young adults with higher AEI show greater self-perception, social competence and less use of negative interpersonal behaviour. They are more empathic, more pleasant to be around, and more socially skilful than those with lower AEI. The studies of Barchard (2003) and Brackett and Mayer (2003) also found that AEI correlated with higher academic achievement and intellectual problem solving. AEI has also been found to positively correlate with healthy adolescent mental health (Davis & Humphrey,

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2012). Furthermore, Sanchez-Ruiz et al. (2013) suggest that measurements of AEI predict academic achievement above IQ and personality traits. However, Steinberg (2005) opines that understanding the relationship between AEI and academic achievement involves an understanding of the biopsychosocial developmental changes in adolescence, including their cognitive development, emotional and social development. It is a complex process. He points out that the adolescent emotional changes occur at the onset of puberty, leading to an increase in emotional sensitivity, stress, and a heightened sense of novelty and rewards. In contrast, changes in their cognitive-control system is slower to mature and will keep developing until they reach young adulthood, around the age of twenty-five. This will affect their ability for self-regulation and impulse control, and some executive functions, such as decision making. Other experts in the field advocate for more research studies on AEI to maintain practitioner enthusiasm to learn more about how children acquire AEI and the developmental process of AEI in different age groups spanning childhood to adulthood (Agnolie et al., 2012; Billlings et al., 2014, Humphrey et al., 2007). In summary, research on AEI in the last two decades has substantiated that AEI plays a critical role in achieving desired objectives in various aspects of the lives of young people -personal, family, academic, and work performance. This demonstrates the significance of EI abilities in facilitating life success and relationship building.

13.3.2 Traits Emotional Intelligence (TEI) While AEI recognises an individual’s cognitive-emotional ability, Traits Emotional Intelligence (TEI) acknowledges the behavioural dispositions relating to perception, procession and how one uses emotional information. It describes one’s emotional self-efficacy (Petrides, 2011). The TEI model distinguishes the non-cognitive facets related to personality traits. They include: • Adaptability: flexibility and willingness to adapt to new environments and conditions • Assertiveness: forthrightness and willingness to stand up for one’s rights. • Emotion expression: the ability to communicate one’s feelings to others. • Emotion management (self and others): the ability to control one’s emotions and to influence others’ feelings. • Emotion perception (self and others): to be clear about one’s own emotions and other people’s feelings. • Emotion regulation: the ability to control one’s own emotions. • Impulsiveness: to be reflective and less likely to give in to one’s urges. • Relationship management: capability of maintaining fulfilling personal relationships. • Self-esteem: self-confidence and positive self-worth. • Self-motivation: unlikeliness to give up when facing adversity.

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• Social awareness: to have adequate social skills and be able to connect with social networks. • Stress management: to be capable of withstanding pressure and regulating stress. • Trait empathy: to be able to understand someone else’s perspective. • Trait happiness: usually cheerful and satisfied with one’s life. • Trait optimism: usually confident and likely to look on the bright side of life. Examples of assessment tools commonly used to measure TEI in children and adolescents include: 1.

2.

The Schutte Self-Report Measure of Emotional Intelligence (SSREI) (Schutte et al, 1998) This is a thirty-item self-report which comprises four sub-scales measuring emotion perception, utilising emotions, managing self-relevant emotions, and managing others’ emotions. Participants responds to items using a seven-point Likert scale ranging from one (completely disagree or strongly disagree) to seven (completely agree or strongly agree). One study by Ciarrochi et al. (2001) found this tool useful in measuring adolescents’ self-esteem and trait anxiety. Trait Emotional Intelligence (TEIQue-AF) (Petrides & Furnham, 2001) This is a 150-item questionnaire, and a shorter version with 33 items, which identify the following dispositions: • Well-being: self-esteem; happiness; optimism • Self-control: emotion regulation; low impulsiveness; stress management • Emotionality: empathy; emotion perception; emotion expression; relationship skills • Sociability: emotion management; assertiveness; social awareness/social competence • Auxiliary facets: adaptability; self-motivation

3.

The Swinburn University Emotional Intelligence Test (SUEIT-EY) (Billings et al., 2014) This is a 68-item questionnaire designed to assess a four-factor model of EI in pre-adolescents. The first part of the test contains 38 self-report items to measure perception and appraisal of emotion, emotional facilitation of thinking, and reflective regulation of emotion. The next eight items measure the participant’s ability to identify emotions in others, while the remaining twenty-two items measure understanding and emotion analysis, using performance-based assessment methods.

No measurement tool is perfect. Despite criticism from other researchers, these tests give useful information to teachers and professionals working with children and youths, and are also good tools to help young people gain increased self-awareness and to reflect on how these trait qualities impact them in helpful and unhelpful ways.

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13.3.3 Social Emotional Intelligence (SEI) Social Emotional Intelligence (SEI) refers to the ability to be aware of one’s own emotions, to have self-control and be able to manage one’s emotions, to be socially aware, including understanding others’ emotions, and knowing how to build and maintain social relationships. In the school setting, this involves a repertoire of selfunderstanding, social understanding, and social skills. In the past two decades, increased attention has been devoted to help school children to develop SEI and social-emotional competencies. Globally, educators and teachers became interested in learning about the importance of SEI and developing knowledge and skills to incorporate Social Emotional Learning (SEL) in the school curriculum. According to Lickona (1991), SEL stems from traditional moral education, an integral component in education over the past 200 years with the aim to “help young people to be smart, and help them to be good” (p. 6). In the 1990s, there was a refocus to help young people to develop an ‘ethical character’, thus, ‘character education’ has become the buzz word. This component of school education focuses on the building of six teachable ‘pillars of character’: respect, responsibility, fairness, trustworthiness, caring, and citizenship (Lapsley & Narvaez, 2006). In 1994, a group of educators, researchers, psychologists, child-welfare practitioners and child advocates came together in a U.S. conference to discuss the ‘missing pieces’ in education. They formed an organisation known as CASEL: Collaborative for Academic, Social, and Emotional Learning. Their goal was to establish highquality, evidence-based learning and development of SEI in school education. In 1997, members of CASEL collaborated and contributed their respective knowledge, insights and expertise and produced a book entitled Promoting Social and Emotional Learning: Guidelines for Educators (Elias et al., 1997). This book instigated a wave of research on the effectiveness of SEL for supporting students’ social and academic success. Positive results produced by these studies led to a surge of demands from teachers, school leaders, educational policy makers, parents and students themselves, to learn more about SEI and SEL, locally (in the US) and globally. Today, SEL is becoming an integral part of school education worldwide. Social-emotional learning (SEL) is seen as a preventative approach to help students develop higher social-emotional intelligence and social-emotional competence. Internationally, schools are incorporating SEL with a multitude of approaches. Some programs are embedded into the academic curricula, such as Language Arts and Personal Development subjects. Some approaches include co-operative learning and collaborative learning, where students are encouraged to work in small groups to achieve a common goal. Some schools plan programs to engage students in service learning, to plan projects to help members of the school community achieve specific goals, some lead students in friendship and bonding camps, and some schools hold regular ‘conversation circles’ to listen to students’ challenges, and help students find solutions through student leadership training, buddy systems and peer mentoring (Brock et al., 2008; Fredericks, 2003; Ginsburg-Block et al., 2006).

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Through SEL, students demonstrated increased levels of self-awareness, leading to stronger ability in self-management and making responsible decisions. Many have developed stronger self-efficacy leading to increased school engagement and academic achievement. Students who are strong in self-confidence and self-efficacy experienced less bullying victimisation, less loneliness, and an increased sense of optimism and happiness (Cheng & Furnham, 2002; Kokkinos & Kipritsi, 2012). Other studies also produced evidence that through SEL, students increased their self-awareness and self-efficacy, resulting in fewer behavioural problems at school, less substance abuse, fewer suicide attempts and less crime involvement (Griffin et al., 2015; Jones et al, 2015; Tangney et al., 2004; Wulfert et al., 2002). An increase in relationship skills is also noted with effective SEL programs in school education. Studies found a decrease in bullying behaviour and instances of school bullying, including cyberbullying, when schools focused attention on addressing these problems by helping students to develop and strengthen their socialemotional competencies. It was also found that students with stronger relationship skills are more popular, have more friends, show more confidence and ability to solve relationship problems, and have fewer depressive symptoms than those with poor SEI (Adams & Bukowski, 2007; Boulton et al., 1999; Dalley et al., 1994; Kwon et al., 2012). In 2011, Durlak and colleagues conducted a meta-analysis and studied 213 universal SEL programs. They found that students who participated in school-based SEL programs showed improvement in their social-emotional skills, more positive attitudes and social behaviour, were more able to cope with academic demands, and showed improved academic performance. They found that these programs are more effective when they are carried out or taught frequently throughout the school year. In addition, teachers who are specifically trained in SEI and SEL had more positive student outcomes compared with those who did not receive SEI training. This was also noted by other researchers who indicated that teacher preparation is essential to help school children develop SEI and social-emotional competence (Aber et al., 2003; Reyes et al., 2012).

13.4 EI and Resilience Competency Resilience is the ability to recover from setbacks, disappointment, challenges, and adversity. Children and teens with high levels of EI are better able to control and regulate their emotions and are better able to cope with challenges and misfortune with higher resilience. It was also noted that adolescents with a stronger sense of self-identity and have better coping skills are stronger with their interpersonal and social skills, and are generally happier and healthier (Cahill et al., 2015).

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13.4.1 Factors That Affect Mental Health in Children and Adolescents There are numerous factors in life that can have an impact on our mental health. These can be risk factors or protective factors. Risk factors can include: • poor parenting and dysfunctional family relationships. • socio-demographic influences: young people from a low socio-economic background are more vulnerable and tend to suffer setbacks and pressures that lead to mental health issues. • lack of community support: adolescents who do not know where to access support usually fall victim to unhelpful peer pressure and engage in negative and even criminal conduct. • Lack of motivation and direction: teens without necessary adult support feel lost and hopeless. They have poor self-esteem and are often lonely and unmotivated, resulting in low achievement at school. On the other hand, young people who are well supported by their family and parents are more confident, feel loved and valued; they are curious, enjoy learning, have better friendship skills and a positive attitude. Dray et al. (2017) suggest that there are internal and external protective factors that enhance resilience in young people. Internal protective factors include: • • • • • • • • •

cognitive competence ability to cooperate communication skills moral competence a sense of empowerment goals and aspirations emotional competence: self-awareness, self-control, self-regulation, self-efficacy social and emotional competence: awareness of others, empathy social and emotional skills

External protective factors include: • • • • • • • • • •

family and parental support adult expectations community caring relationships community meaningful participation community support home caring relationships pro-social peers school support school caring relationships school meaningful participation

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Beyond Blues is an Australian organisation that supports and promotes mental health for adults and children. It listed four major factors that influence the development of resilience: 1.

2. 3.

4.

Factors within the child: including genetic and biological factors, self-esteem, self-compassion, autonomy and independence, ability to identify and understand one’s emotions, social skills and empathy, optimism and positive attitudes, sense of responsibility, connection with the family and community, and healthy thought habits. Family factors: include positive family relationships, family identity and connectedness, and effective parenting. Community and Societal factors: include peer connection and interaction, education setting providing positive support, social inclusivity, family and child friend community, community values and belief, socially inclusive and family/child-friendly public policies. Factors within family, community and society: include opportunities for healthy risk taking, opportunities for positive experiences, ongoing, meaningful relationships with family and community members, supportive networks.

13.4.2 EI and Resilience Competencies That Support Good Mental Health Studies incorporating empirical data verify that resilience competencies include selfefficacy, empathy, compassion, self-reflection, self-identity, problem solving and decision-making skills, coping, and knowing how to seek help. • Self-efficacy: this refers to the ability to believe in one’s capabilities, maintain and apply skills to accomplish tasks and achieve goals, and have the needed confidence and skills to complete what one sets out to do (Bandura, 1994; Baumeister et al., 2003). It requires a growth mindset and a range of coping strategies to face challenges and setbacks (Dweck, 2000). Bandura (1994) maintained that self-efficacy can be learned through observing role models, from past experience of success, and from support and encouragement from family and school. Zimmerman & Schunk (2008) found that when children are provided with positive feedback, they are more likely to sustain the belief that they can achieve tasks and goals without self-doubt. However, Shean et al. (2014) warned that parents and other adults who are over-protective may impede the development of a child’s self-efficacy. • Empathy: Grotberg (1995) believes that empathy is an important predictor of resilience. McGrath and Noble (2011) claim that empathy is a pro-social trait found in children who are loved. They found that young people with empathy show kindness and support to peers and are less judgemental and more accepting of others. Conversely, those with low levels of empathy are likely to engage in antisocial behaviour.

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• Compassion is the ability to feel concern for the suffering or misfortune of others. It also embraces the act of altruism, a behaviour that is intrinsically motivated to benefit others without self-interest. Lozada et al. (2016) claimed that people experience a natural sense of happiness when they are engaging in altruistic acts. Children learn to be compassionate and altruistic through observing others, and also through mindfulness training. In an investigation with a group of students in a public school, Lozada et al. (2016) found that, in a period of 10 weeks, participants of the program showed increased cooperation and increased self- and other-awareness. • Self-reflection is the ability to observe and evaluate our own cognitive, emotional and behavioural processes. It is a basic skill that empowers an individual to think about past choices, and conduct risk analysis for future plans and decisions. Self-reflection can enhance personal coping strategies and build resilience. When young people are challenged with conflict or confronted with situations of uncertainty, they can learn to use self-reflection to work through information, from known to unknown. They can learn to think through ‘what if’ scenarios and consider alternatives for achieving goals or solving problems. Grotberg (1995) found that children with self-reflection skills are able to modify or regulate their behaviour. Reflective skills can also strengthen resilience. • Self-identity involves being true to oneself and having clarity about one’s personal values and beliefs. It is acquired through experience and accumulated knowledge in our stages of childhood to adulthood development (Erikson, 1968). Young people with a strong sense of self-identity are confident and have a strong sense of self-efficacy. Young people who are confronted with traumatic family or personal life disruptions (e.g., loss of parents, parental divorce, ill-treatment from adults such as excessive criticism, child abuse) usually have an unstable self-identity. They generally have low self-esteem and view themselves as inadequate, unworthy, and have a chronic feeling of emptiness. They have no sense of self-direction resulting in the inability to set goals, low motivation to achieve, an absence of aspiration, and choose to dissociate when under stress (Aldridge et al., 2016; Nicoll, 2014). • Problem solving requires critical thinking and sound decision making skills. We learn to solve problems by watching others and also from our past experience. It also requires cognitive skills such as perception to understand cause and effect, pros and cons, and the ability to define the problem. It also requires good communication skills to listen to others to understand the underlying causes of problems and knowing what alternatives are available. Creativity and flexibility in thinking are also contributing factors. Young children learn to solve problems through playing with blocks or educational toys. At school, they learn to discuss with others, to develop analytical and deductive skills. They expand their thinking through reading and acquiring general knowledge about their social environment and the world. Apart from these skills, young people need to develop self-regulation to control impulsivity and not to react with unhelpful behaviour. Parental input and school education play a strong role in helping young people to develop problem solving and decision skills. Teens with mental health issues are

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often weak in identifying their problems, let alone having the skills to solve them. On the other hand, young people who are strong in problem solving are resilient and have higher levels of EI. • Coping and knowing how to seek help. Children and teens experience a vast array of emotions. In the process of growing up, they need to learn to cope with boredom, disappointment, embarrassment, fear, and anxiety. Sometimes they learn through trial and error, and perhaps painful experience and a few tears to deal with these ‘not nice feelings’. Psychologists and practitioners working with young people talk about two types of coping skills: emotion-focused coping skills and problem-focused coping skills. Emotion-focused coping skills are necessary when the situation cannot be changed, or a problem has no solution. Young people must learn how to accept reality, tolerate stress, and gain perseverance to deal with unpleasant emotions associated with the matter. Problem-focused coping skills involve examining the problems and analysing the situation to find a way to solve the issue, and to decide what actions to take to change the undesired situation. This is a developmental and learning process that takes place at home, in social situations, and at school. Many young people develop mental health issues because they have no one to help them with those matters that are bothering or hurting them. It is vital that young people are taught to seek help from adults by talking to them, or by seeking professional help when they have upsetting problems. Knowing how to seek help is a necessary skill in developing resilience competence (Ben-Zur, 2009; Brannon & Feist, 2009; Folkman & Lazarus, 1988).

13.5 The School’s Role in Supporting Students’ EI Development Changes brought by transition phases may cause stress and uncertainty. Young people need to draw on resilience skills and support resources from home and school. Research evidence shows that school plays a significant role in improving the mental wellbeing of children and adolescents through the SEL program and a strong focus in helping students to develop resilience skills. Programs that are aligned with curriculum goals and implemented on a continual and long-term basis have been found to be effective in raising academic standards, improving cognitive ability, and reducing behavioural problems (e.g., Barret & Pahl, 2006; Greenberg, 2010; Nelson et al., 2003; Nicoll, 2014; Ruttledge et al., 2016; Slee et al., 2009). Teachers devoted to supporting their students’ emotional growth are skilled in not only developing their SEL through teaching, but also encourage and instil the ability of self-empowerment. This means students are nurtured to make conscious decisions to make positive choices, to plan and take action to accomplish goals, to understand their strengths and required strengths to be motivated to learn and achieve success. Schools that are successful in implementing EI components in their educational programs also foster the understanding that an attitude of optimism is essential when dealing with difficult situations. They also encourage friendliness and care for others,

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to be adaptive to change, and develop useful help-seeking behaviour when they need it. These SEI and resilience skills are beneficial in promoting personal and peer wellbeing (Cahill et al., 2015; Grotberg, 1997; Seidenfeld et al., 2014; Shean et al., 2014). There are many different models for raising the EI and resilience competence of school children and teens. Here are examples of a few commonly used ones in school education. They are The Bounce Back program, The Grotberg’s Resilience Project, and The Resilience Doughnut. The Bounce Back Program (McGrath & Noble, 2003) Bounce Back teaches the core skills advocated by CASEL. It is a whole-school approach incorporating evidence-informed coping skills and activities based on effective teaching strategies, psychological theories and cognitive behaviour therapy. It provides a wide range of practical strategies and resources for teaching primary school students how to cope with the challenges and difficulties they face in their everyday lives, and to learn how to ‘bounce back’ when they experience sadness, disappointment and uncertainty, frustration, and challenging times. It provides strategies and teaching materials for primary schools at three levels, from kindergarten to Year 2, Years 3–4, and Years 5–6 with age-appropriate children’s literature and reading material, interactive activities to foster cooperative learning, and teacher resource books. The organisation of the units is sequential and is helpful for teachers, especially those who have not undergone SEL training. The program features the following themes: • Core values: honesty, fairness, acceptance of differences and responsibility. • Social values: inclusion, kindness, cooperation, friendliness, being respectful to others and self-respect. • Bouncing back skills: skills and attitudes for coping and being resilient. • Courage: finding courage in both everyday life and difficult circumstances. • Looking on the bright side: optimistic thinking and positivity skills. • Emotions: amplifying positive emotions and managing uncomfortable ones. • Relationships: social skills for making and keeping friends and managing conflict. • Humour: using humour to connect with others, to cope better and to understand differences between helpful and harmful humour. • Being safe: skills for understanding, countering and managing bullying situations; skills for supporting others who are being bullied. • Success: skills that lead to successful goal achievement (goal setting, growth mindset, overcoming obstacles); identifying your own positive character strengths and ability strengths. The Bounce Back program has won many educational awards and has been acknowledged to be highly effective in increasing student’s EI and resilience over many years. The use of high-quality children’s literature and videos, thinking tools and educational games, as well as relationship-building strategies of cooperative learning and circle time, have been found to be highly engaging and effective in enriching students’ understating of their personal development and building effective personal and social skills (McCrath & Noblem, 2011, 2018).

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Grotberg’s Resilience Project (1995) This program is built on the philosophy that young people can develop resilience through understanding themselves, their strengths and capabilities, and the resources available to them so that they know where and how to seek help when necessary. The project comprises three components: I HAVE, I AM, and I CAN (Grotberg, 1997). I HAVE refers to support and resources the individual can access in times of need. They include: • People around me I trust and who love me, no matter what—trusting relationships • People who set limits for me so I know when to stop before there is danger or trouble—structure and rules at home • People who show me how to do things correctly by the way they do things—role models • People who want me to learn to do things on my own—encouragement for autonomy • People who help me when I am sick, in danger, or need to learn—access to health, education, welfare, and support services I AM. This component helps students to be self-aware of their personal strength characteristics. • A person people can like and love—lovable • Glad to do nice things for others and show my concern—loving, empathic, altruistic • Respectful of myself and others—proud of self • Willing to be responsible for what I do—autonomous and responsible • Sure, things will be all right—possessing hope, faith, and trust I CAN refers to the individual’s interpersonal and social skills • Talk to others about things that frighten me or bother me—communicate • Find ways to solve problems that I face—problem solving • Control myself when I feel like doing something not right or dangerous—manage feelings and impulses • Figure out when it is a good time to talk to someone or take action—gauge my temperament and that of others • Find someone to help when I need it—seek trusting relationships Grotberg believes that behaviour is shaped by the interplay of these factors of resilience: I have, I am and I can. Adults helping children and teens to develop resilience must understand the process of resilience. This model helps teachers and other adults working with young people to focus attention on the impact of these factors. Each student is different and has unique qualities and needs; knowing what factors of resilience need more attention will be more effective when helping them develop the needed mindsets and capabilities to cope with challenges and adversity.

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The Resilience Doughnut (2018) The Resilience Doughnut is a model developed by Lyn Worsley (2006) and her colleagues to help people increase and develop their resilience by recognising their personal strengths and building on them. Worsley is one of the founders of The Resilience Centre in Australia. There are two models, one for children and adolescents, which is commonly used in schools, and one for helping adults. The model is shaped like a doughnut, i.e., a circle with a hole in the middle, very similar to Grotberg’s Resilience Project. The core of this model (the hole in the middle) represents the person’s values and beliefs, including how they view themselves (‘Who I am’), their awareness of those who support them (‘I have’), and the level of confidence they have in their own abilities (‘What I can do’). The outer circle of the doughnut comprises seven sections, each one representing a key factor to build resiliency. Teachers, school psychologists or social workers need to consider each of these factors to work out the underlying causes of the child’s problems. These factors are: • The Parent Factor: characteristics of strong and effective parenting. • The Skill Factor: evidence of self-competence. • The Family and Identity Factor: where family identity and connectedness is evident. • The Education Factor: experience of connections and relationships during the learning process. • The Peer Factor: where social and moral development is enhanced through interaction with peers. • The Community Factor: where the morals and values of the local community are transferred and the young person is supported. • The Money Factor: where the young person develops the ability to give as well as take from society through employment and purposeful spending. A scoring system was designed to help individuals to identify their strengths in facing challenges and adversities. The scoring system identifies the three strongest factors of the seven listed above, from which the participant can draw on to strengthen their resilience skills and build on the rest. Teachers and professionals working with children and adolescents need to undergo training to obtain a licence to use this model. The model aims to facilitate interventions and programs that help young people to build resilience, improve their EI, and enhance their mental health.

13.6 Conclusion Mental health issues are becoming more prevalent globally as the world becomes more complex and challenging with so many environmental, social and health issues. An OECD report in 2015 found that one in six people across EU countries had a mental health problem. Globally, mental health problems represent the largest burden of disease among young people. Half of all mental illnesses are found in young teens at the age of fourteen, and over seventy per cent are found in young people between

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seventeen and twenty. It was also found that the onset of mental disorders begins years before they were diagnosed. Due to the lack of knowledge and underdeveloped skills in handling stress and emotional problems, these young people and the adults around them are usually not aware of the symptoms and consequences of these challenges until they become mental health issues (Choi, 2018). Concerned advocates appeal to school policy makers, education ministers and school leaders to do more and become more aware of the risk factors that exist in families, communities, and those embedded in cultural and traditional values. Apart from planning and implementing school-wide approaches to support constructive mental health programs and curricula, schools can promote community efforts to reduce social factors impacting the mental health of young people. Stronger collaboration between governmental and educational agencies are required to address problems such as discrimination, physical violence, bullying, sexual abuse, and social injustice. More attention and joint actions are required to develop collective resilience in the community with a well-planned and holistic approach to address youth mental health issues (Darling-Hammond et al., 2020; OECD, 2014). A growing number of school systems in the U.S., Canada, and Australia are integrating school-based trauma-sensitive approaches along with SEL programs and student welfare policies to address student needs using a restorative rather than a punitive approach. This kind of approach requires teachers and school leaders to be sensitive, and understand how adversity or trauma can affect students’ emotions, selfregulation, relational reactions, and behaviour (Howard, 2019; Stokes & Brunzell, 2019). As educators and parents, we have to acknowledge the progress we have made, but keep in mind that there is still more to be done.

Resources Digital Addiction Prevention • What is internet addiction? https://www.addictioncenter.com/drugs/internet-add iction/ • Smartphone Addiction. https://www.helpguide.org/articles/addictions/smartp hone-addiction.htm • Internet addiction https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/healthyliving/int ernet-addiction • 8 Ways to Control Your Internet Addiction. https://www.americanexpress.com/ en-us/business/trends-and-insights/articles/8-ways-to-control-your-internet-add iction-1/

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Smischney, T. M., Chrisler, A., Villarruel, F. A., By, P., Borden, L. M., Casper, D. M., et al. (2014). Risk Factors for Adolescent Suicide: The Research and Outreach (REACH) Laboratory. The University of Minnesota Suicide. https://reachfamilies.umn.edu/sites/default/files/rdoc/ Stein, J. A., Dukes, R. L., & Warren, J. I. (2007). Adolescent male bullies, victims, and bully/victims: A comparison of psychosocial and behavioral characteristics. Journal of Podiatric Psychology, 32(3), 273–282. Steinberg, L. (2005). Cognitive and affective development in adolescence. Trends in Cognitive Sciences, 9(2), 69–74. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.tics.2004.12.005 Stokes, H., & Brunzell, T. (2019). Professional learning in Trauma informed positive education: Moving school communities from Trauma affected to Trauma Aware. School Leadership Review, 14(2), 1–12. Sullivan, A. K. (1999). The emotional intelligence scale for children (Doctoral dissertation, University of Virginia). ProQuest database. (UMI 9916408). http://search.proquest.com Tangney, J. P., Baumeister, R. F., & Boone, A. L. (2004). High self-control predicts good adjustment, less pathology, better grades, and interpersonal success. Journal of Personality, 72, 271–324. Tippett, N., & Wolke, D. (2014). Socioeconomic status and bullying: A meta-analysis. American Journal of Public Health, 104(6), e48–59. https://doi.org/10.2105/AJPH.2014.301960 Unnever, J. D. (2005). Bullies, aggressive victims, and victims: Are they distinct groups? Aggressive Behavior, 31(2), 153–171. UNICEF. (2017). How does the time children spend using digital technology impact their mental well-being, social relationships and physical activity? An evidence-focused literature review. https://www.unicef-irc.org/publications/pdf/Children-digital-technology-wellbeing.pdf. U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. (1999). Mental health: A report of the Surgeon General. U.S. Public Health Service. Vannucci, A., Flannery, K., & Ohannessian, C. (2017). Social media use and anxiety in emerging adults. Journal of Affective Disorders, 163–166. Wang, X., Zhang, Y., Hui, Z., et al. (2018). The mediating effect of regulatory emotional selfefficacy on the association between self-esteem and school bullying in middle school students: A cross-sectional study. International Journal of Environment and Public Health, 15(5). https:// doi.org/10.3390/ijerph15050991 Woods, H., & Scott, H. (2016). #Sleepyteens: Social media use in adolescence is associated with poor sleep quality, anxiety, depression and low self-esteem. Journal of Adolescence, 41–49. World Health Organization. (1979). Formulating Strategies for health for all by the year 2000. Guiding principles and essentials issues. http://apps.who.int/iris/bitstream/10665/40669/1/924 180002X.pdf World Health Organisation (WHO). (2016). Suicide Prevention. https://www.who.int/health-topics/ suicide#tab=tab_1 Worsley, L. (2006). The Resilience Doughnut: The secret of strong kids. Alpha Counselling Services. Wulfert, E., Block, J. A., Santa Ana, E., Rodriguez, M. L., & Colsman, M. (2002). Delay of gratification: Impulsive choices and problem behaviors in early and late adolescence. Journal of Personality, 70, 533–552. Xie, B., et al. (2010). Overweight, body image, and depression in Asian and Hispanic adolescents. American Journal of Health Behavior. https://doi.org/10.5993/AJHB.34.4.9 Yager, Z., et al. (2013). What works in secondary schools? A Systematic Review of Classroom-Based Body Image Programs. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.bodyim.2013.04.001 Zenere, F. J., & Lazarus, P. J. (2009). The sustained reduction of youth suicidal behavior in an urban, multicultural school district. School Psychology Review, 38(2), 189–199. Zimmerman, B. J., & Schunk, D. H. (2008). Motivation: An essential dimension of self-regulated learning. In D. H. Schunk & B. J. Zimmerman (Eds.), Motivation and self-regulated learning: Theory, research, and applications (pp. 1–30). Lawrence Erlbaum Associates Publishers.

Chapter 14

School Leadership and Emotional Intelligence

14.1 Introduction School leadership today is described as multidimensional and demanding. At the beginning of the millennium, some scholars began to look at school leadership with a different lens highlighting the development of school leaders with a balanced focus on instructional leadership and organisational leadership. This include professional knowledge in the art of teaching and learning, leading curriculum, knowledge and skills in organisational management and having a repertoire of people skills. This chapter discusses the new concepts of collective leadership in the school community. It also presents empirical data on how school and teacher leaders at different levels of leadership explain the importance of emotional intelligence in their leadership development journey, and in their daily practice to connect with the school community.

14.2 Instructional Leadership Over the past few decades, discourse on instructional leadership has alternated between focusing on instructional management, instructional expertise, management of the curriculum and the behaviour of school principals in effective schools. Scholarly analyses in the 2000s have placed a distinct emphasis on ensuring that principals are able to attain their instructional leadership role with research focuses explicitly linked to training curricula in major government-led efforts in the USA (Hallinger, 2005, 2011), Australia (Davis, 2003; Ylimaki & Jacobson, 2013), and Hong Kong (Lam, 2003). In line with changing times and societal demands, the literature describing instructional leadership has shifted focus from supervising classroom instruction to viewing principals as instructional leaders charged with formulating strategies and outlining school missions, supervising instructional programs and nurturing positive learning © The Author(s), under exclusive license to Springer Nature Singapore Pte Ltd. 2022 M. Gonzales, Emotional Intelligence for Students, Parents, Teachers and School Leaders, https://doi.org/10.1007/978-981-19-0324-3_14

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climates. These roles also involve obtaining necessary resources, improving working conditions, and aligning actions with the communication of visions and goals (Hallinger & Heck, 1996; Hallinger et al., 1996; Lambert, 1998). These descriptions contrast with earlier views of principals as directors and instead, underscore the importance of their role in capacity building. Continuous interest in instructional leadership has resulted in widening perspectives and extended attention to non-human factors. Research has found that the structural composition of a school, such as its size and demography (Elmore, 2002), and the necessity for cultural change and the effect of the school’s capacity to meet identified needs (Fullan, 2011), all have a strong impact on instructional leadership. Supporting factors that can influence pedagogical improvement have also been identified. These include teacher quality, teacher personality and professional development, appropriate pedagogical application and content knowledge, teacher qualifications, and teacher experience. The notion of collective responsibilities in leading instructional matters was recognised as a result of this research trend. This illustrates that the concept of instructional leadership extends beyond the span of the school principal’s role and necessarily involves other in-school leaders. Scholars globally have also kept pace with understanding barriers to effective instructional implementation. These include teacher attitudes and readiness and mismatches between teachers’ and administrators’ beliefs about instructional implementation and deliveries. This has fuelled increased attention on teacher recruitment and selection, continuous professional development, and their impact on student learning. The traditional instructional leadership paradigm was also challenged on the grounds that school principals are not experts in education and do not have expertise in the full range of subject matters, especially at the secondary school level. Hence, instructional or pedagogical leadership came to be seen as a shared function between management and classroom teachers, who are trained specialists in their subjects. Instructional leadership is also seen as ‘everybody’s work’, including midlevel leaders, department chairs, and classroom teachers (Beswick, 2006; Fullan, 2011; Leithwood & Louis, 2011; Louis et al., 2010; Van Driel et al., 2001). To substantiate this argument, Frost (2011) produced empirical evidence that departmental chairs and mid-level leaders could have a positive influence on teachers in curriculum matters, and that collegial support and sharing were a source of instructional strategies for teachers. Other scholars remarked that the principal is responsible for elevating the performance of teachers and students (Pont et al., 2008) by creating a conducive environment that includes strategic planning, coordinating and evaluating teaching, and curriculum implementation. Robinson et al. (2008) found in a meta-analysis that the principal’s role in capacity building through promoting and participating in teacher learning and development has a strong positive influence on student improvement. Such improvements became evident when principals adhered to research-based instruction, connected professional learning with a clear vision and developed teachers as a collective group (Day & Leithwood, 2007). Fairman and Mackenzie (2012) also found that classroom teachers become effective instructional leaders when they move from their own practice to engage in collaborative learning and sharing with their peers.

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The work of leading a school effectively, once recognised as the function of a few members of a school management team, is now being considered a shared responsibility, with teachers as leaders contributing individually or collectively to achieving outcomes (Schechter & Mowafaq, 2013). Teachers who step out from the classroom to take on a leadership role need to develop a repertoire of management and operational skills and capabilities to work with different stakeholders in the school community. These teacher leaders need to develop capabilities that enable them to lead in complex situations, using different leadership styles and approaches, individually and collectively, to carry out their daily duties. Scholars who advocate a new approach to preparing school leaders argue that practising leadership in today’s schools requires new thinking, especially thinking with a growth mindset (Dweck, 2006; Kaiser & Halbert, 2009). Others point out the need for developing the capacity to lead with a shared vision and the skills to set directions. Another important element of this new paradigm of leadership development is to increase the capability of senior leaders to develop people under their supervision and understand their development needs (Day et al., 2011; Gurr & Day, 2014). In summary, school principals who were once called upon to be the core instructional leaders of their schools are now asked to take a new direction and distribute leadership across the school community, in order to effect sustainable improvements within the school organisation. They must also take into consideration other dynamics in the school environment that may enhance or hinder progress whilst also facilitating instructional leadership.

14.3 Organisational Leadership Since the beginning of the new millennium, principals and school executive teams in many advanced countries have been subjected to intense scrutiny and accountability for honouring policy expectations, ensuring student achievement, and serving the needs of the school community. Leithwood (2014) states that schools are dynamic organisations and change in ways that cannot be predicted. He suggests that school leadership today should be viewed in a new light and proposes that a balance of instructional and organisational leadership strategies is the best way to create effective schools to meet demands from changing landscapes of education and leadership. Schools are organisations with bureaucratic structures and exist in environments that are shaped by internal and external forces (Fullan, 2006). Constant changes are part of the existence of an organization—for example, changes brought about by new technologies and new cultural and social demands. The impact of these changes on school leaders has caused leadership scholars to reconceptualise school leadership and reconsider some of its implications for practice. To complement their pivotal roles as instructional leaders, school principals must also be organisational leaders who are required to put in place supportive practices and provide system-wide leadership development within the school community. School principals today need

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to be organisationally savvy, knowing how to develop and share a vision with the school community. They need to have the knowledge and skills to influence others as a way of leading change, and use a range of leadership styles to support change and lead the organisation. Organisational leadership involves more than educational administration and management. It deals with the human side of organisational management as well as the operational dimension of the organisation. There are two key components of organisational leadership identified in the current literature—human capital and operational management capabilities (Gonzales, 2019; Grissom & Loeb, 2011)— and these have a direct influence on student learning, as they involve the selection and development of staff to ensure alignment with student performance and learning goals. Senior school leaders who are well-versed in human capital management concepts can influence job satisfaction, provide effective professional development, and build a supportive culture (Boyd et al., 2011; Harris, 2015). In addition to this, principals with school operational management abilities have been shown to improve school learning and student achievement. These capabilities include budget management, curriculum choice, facilities and services management, planning and resource mapping. Some scholars declare that although leadership and management overlap, they are not synonymous (e.g., Bass, 2010; Yukl, 1989). Lalonde (2010) explains that management is concerned with the day-to-day functioning of an organisation, placing attention on getting the job done, while organisational leadership is about vision, focusing attention on the future and on what needs to be done to empower others and reach goals. Organisational leaders seek to find new solutions to bring about improvements, while managers and administrators direct the workforce to complete tasks and meet goals. Principals need to be capable both in organisational leadership and in management and administration. According to Keaster and Schlinker (2009), educators who have undertaken leadership preparation programs that include balanced components of instructional and organisational leadership went through an interesting transformation. Prior to their enrolment in the programs, many aspiring school leaders thought that the principal’s key role was to ensure that teaching and learning took place effectively to meet set goals. On completion of a preparation program, however, they had developed a broader view and a new leadership mindset, and acquired a new set of skills and dispositions that increased their confidence and willingness to lead complex, diverse and innovative institutions. Organisational leadership is described by the Australian Public Service Commission (2010) as the ability to combine people skills with the organisation’s processes, systems, culture and structures to deliver business outcomes. To help members of the public service to develop the knowledge, skills, and attitudes to succeed in the workplace, a capability framework was established stating technical and operational requirements, soft skills and strategies. The three major components of the framework are: (1) leadership capabilities, which include setting directions and motivating and developing people; (2) strategic capabilities, which include outcome-focused strategies, making evidence-based choices, collaborating and building common purpose;

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and (3) delivery capabilities, which include managing performance, sharing commitment and using sound delivery models for planning, resourcing and prioritising, and engaging innovative delivery. These descriptions can be used as a reference to guide school leadership in public schools, as they are also part of the public service. In North America, the Wallace Foundation, a renowned organisation that supports evidence-based research in education, has outlined five key functions of organisational leaders that enhance school success based on their studies and observations of effective principals. These functions are: shaping a vision, creating a climate hospitable to education, cultivating leadership in others, improving instruction and managing people, and using data to foster school improvement (Wallace Foundation, 2013).

14.3.1 Capabilities Required by School Leaders in Organisational Leadership To further illustrate the capabilities required by organisational leaders, this section highlights some of the most commonly discussed organisational leadership capabilities in contemporary educational literature. These include systems thinking, strategic thinking, developing self and others, emotional intelligence and resilience, effective communication and relationship building, and enhancing the use of technology and innovation. • Systems thinking and school leadership In recent years, there has been a growing realisation of the need to understand schools as systems in the education literature. Systems thinking, a concept introduced by Senge (2008), is the understanding of the linkage of and interactions between the elements that compose the entire system. Scholars of educational leadership are calling on school leaders to develop systems thinking as part of engaging in organisational development and to approach educational assessment . Recent research has also focused on how the use of systems thinking has enhanced leadership skills in mid-level school leaders (Shaked & Schechter, 2016). In Europe, an emerging trend of teachers taking on roles as systems leaders is gaining attention in the literature (e.g., Boylan, 2016; Hargreaves, 2011, 2012). School leaders today need to cultivate innovations, expand choices in creative problem solving, and lead collective decisions and actions. Systems thinking is a needed capability for school leaders (Shaked & Schechter, 2017). • Strategic thinking and school leadership Strategic thinking is the ability to think with a future orientation (Olson & Simerson, 2015). While systems thinking looks at education holistically to understand the interconnectivity of and relationships between its different parts, strategic thinking informs and guides actions and enables success in achieving goals. Strategic leadership is a means of building both an organisation’s capacity to achieve change and the direction of that change. Strategic leaders define the vision

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and moral purpose of an organisation and translate them into action. Strategic thinking also involves encouraging individual initiative, creating a work environment where quality relationships are valued and trust is foster, promoting the capacity to learn, change and adapt in high-velocity environments (Carmeli et al., 2010; Davies & Davies, 2010). • Developing self and others Self-development and people development are also seen as essential skills in organisational leadership. Self-knowledge is important in enhancing the individual’s ability to make judgements, to create a personal vision for learning and growth, understand one’s leadership styles, and manage relationships and work priorities with a balanced view (Cardno & Youngs, 2013). Competent leaders are those who can leverage individual talent, competencies and skills to promote group and organisational achievements. When senior leaders are able to identify potential talents in the staff, and help them build their capacity to evolve in response to changes and demands, higher levels of organisational success will be achieved. Self-awareness of one’s own strengths and development needs is an essential part of leadership growth (Charan et al., 2011). Leaders who are aware of their own strengths and needed strengths can leverage their own strengths and others to achieve goals. • Emotional intelligence and resilience Emotional intelligence is another integral element of leadership in an organisation (Goleman, 2013). Studies demonstrate that emotional intelligence is important to establishing relationships and leading achievement through creating rapport and bonding with others in the workplace. In education, scholars have found that teachers with high emotional intelligence are able to relate better to at-risk students and those that live in underprivileged environments. They are resilient, usually optimistic and positive, and can influence their co-workers and help them bounce back from setbacks. Principals with high emotional intelligence are able to build cultures of trust and warm support in the school community (Bar-On et al., 2007; Brinia et al., 2014). Like emotional intelligence, resilience is vital in today’s stressful work environment. In the context of organisational leadership, resilient employees are more likely to be receptive to necessary organisational changes and show a greater capacity for recovery from workplace setbacks. • Effective communication and relationship building Effective communication and relationship building skills are important capabilities for organisational leaders to have. “Great schools grow when educators understand that the power of their leadership lies in the strength of their relationships” (Donaldson, 2007, p. 29). Studies have found strong communication skills and relationship building abilities to be major components of school success. This includes leader-member exchanges when leaders are capable of being professionally supportive and sincere, and working in collaboration: “If a school is truly developing and growing, and if learning is collaborative, each person is a leader and follower at various times” (Crippen, 2012, p. 39). Communication and relationship building between teachers, school leaders and parents are also vital.

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Parental involvement in schools has been proven to influence student success (Harrison & Gold, 2017; Yoder & Lopez, 2013). However, differences in expectations and the power to influence may sometimes lead to miscommunication; it is therefore crucial for teachers and school leaders to be clear in their communication and diplomatic in their relationship building (Day, 2017). • Technology and innovation Educational literature in the last decade has also drawn attention to the demand on school leaders to utilise technology to lead educational innovations. School leaders have an added responsibility to understand and lead the use of digital technology as a pedagogical tool and approach (Perez et al., 2010). The “flipped classroom model” of learning, a model that guides students to engage with interactive content of a subject, has enabled “active learning” and learner-directed engagement to allow students to learn at their own pace and level of performance, achieving the principles of inclusive education and student equity in learning. Teachers and school leaders are given professional development to make use of data and technology to inform curriculum and program planning (Perez et al., 2010) and student assessments (Knoeppel & Logan, 2011). To support the demands on leading innovation and technology, leadership preparation in the future must include building leaders’ capacity to define the organisation’s digital capability to meet the needs of their schools and to share information via digital platforms. As illustrated in this section, the current demands of organisational leadership are vast and multifaceted and cannot be met by an individual school leader or a small group of school executives. A different approach to leadership is therefore essential— one that moves from hierarchical entities to a flatter, matrix-type structure in order to respond to complexity, uncertainty and fast-changing demands.

14.4 The Era of Collective Leadership Contemporary descriptions of leadership are shifting away from a focus on a sole leader toward the concept of collective leadership. It is evident in the literature that leadership is no longer considered the sole province of the principal (MacBeath & Dempster, 2009; OECD, 2013), and that while the principal is the pivot of school leadership, responsibility for the implementation of effective learning needs to be shared and distributed (Bolden, 2011; Crawford, 2012). In the wider literature, collective leadership has been discussed in different constructs and practices with key focus on leader-team exchange, team communication, leader networks, team networks and social support to enhance the affective climate. In earlier literature on collective leadership, attention was focused on understanding how leaders utilise networks to develop and increase their skills by sharing insights with other leaders and on different ways of distributing leadership in the organisation. These leader networks also contribute to developing leaders through different stages, as they provide development opportunities to support emergent

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leadership, informal leadership and other key leadership performance (Crawford, 2012). Since the year 2000, literature on collective leadership has discussed the increasingly common organisational practice of assigning leadership at different levels of management and operations using teams and multiple leaders. Studies of this nature focused on the importance of understanding team dynamics and the flow of information within groups (Mehra et al., 2006), team structure and team-level processes (Uhl-Bien & Marion, 2009), and utilising teams to increase innovation and adaptability within the organisation (Friedrich et al., 2010). Numerous studies have focused on leaders and team exchange. In an organisation where collective leadership is practised, leaders need to learn how to handle different views and directives, both logistical and relational. Communication is vital to ensure that team members have a common understanding of objectives, goals and problems to solve. Friedrich and Mumford (2009) highlight the capability of leaders to engage in sense-giving, to make sure that objectives or processes make sense to team members engaged in a work task. Studies on the topic of team support, whether work-related or social and emotional, found that leaders can create organisational conditions for emotional expression to foster an affective climate (Barsade & Gibson, 2007), and assist in coping with workrelated stress. Similarly, Sonnentag and Frese (2003) have also made a connection between affect and relevant collective leadership concepts such as communication, relational exchange, feedback, conflict and support networks. In education, collective leadership can be enacted in different ways, for example, in leading subject-planning teams, or cross-curriculum committees (Anderson, 2012), and chairing or leading functional community programs and parent-teacher committees. Additionally, distributed leadership appears to be a popular discussion topic in the global practice of collective leadership (e.g., Crowther et al., 2009; Dufour & Marzano, 2011). Spillane (2006, p. 15) defines distributed leadership as a collective, interactive approach to leading, with leadership “stretched over multiple leaders” using a non-linear and non-hierarchical approach. In considering the effects of distributed leadership, Woods and Gronn (2009) list four main benefits: increased effectiveness; increased engagement and self-esteem; enhanced organisational capacity; and greater sharing of leadership burdens. For distributed leadership to work efficiently, the social dimension of the concept must be stressed. Distributed leadership can only thrive in a climate of trust and well-established relationships that are supported by a well-designed organisational restructure away from the traditional school model and toward one that engages in flatter, more lateral decision-making processes (Hargreaves, 2012; Hargreaves & Fink, 2006). Today, school principals are encouraged to embrace collective leadership as a new measure of school leadership. The facilitation of distributed leadership requires specific skills and capabilities, and a sound understanding of each school’s specific situation and context to make the operation effective. Principals and senior school leaders need to develop these skills, and gain experience, in order to mobilise others in collective and distributed responsibilities (Bolden, 2011; Leithwood et al., 2009).

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14.5 School Leadership and EI As interests expand in leadership and EI, scholars in school leadership studies also contributed to the literature on the importance of EI in school management and leadership in the school community. One study in the US found that primary school principals with high EQ scores showed more effective leadership (Munroe, 2009). In two other similar studies, Berkovich and Eyal (2015) declare that the job of a school principal is emotionally laden, having to deal with competing objectives, meeting multi-directional demands from the internal and external school environment, and Maxwell and Riley (2017) affirm that instructional leaders face tremendous pressure from all angles in the school community and it is emotionally draining. Fullan (2015) adds to this view by pointing out that on top of other leadership demands, school leaders are expected to handle the emotional demands of their teachers, students and the school community and stresses the importance of equipping school leaders with knowledge, skills and capabilities to face these challenges. In today’s fast evolving and dynamic school environment, school leaders need to know how to understand and handle the emotional demands on themselves and their staff. However, some researchers found that not many school leaders are given the needed learning and development preparation to help them strengthen their emotional intelligence and related skills and capabilities (Singh et al., 2007; Hebert, 2011). Voices for more input into the study of emotional intelligence as part of preparatory programs for principals and school leaders are getting louder (e.g., Leithwood et al., 2004; Mills, 2009; Singh et al., 2007). In an earlier study, I have collected qualitative data from teachers of NSW Australia to learn about their challenges as classroom teachers, teacher leaders and executive school leaders (Gonzales, 2019). The following presents these data on how class teachers and school leaders at different levels of leadership described the challenges they faced and the emotional demands on them in their daily professional life. The sample was a small one comprising 35 teachers and principals from different demographic areas of NSW, Australia. These participants were given code names as CT (classroom teacher), TL (teacher leader), HT (head teacher), AP (assistant principal), DP (Deputy principal) and P (principal).

14.5.1 The Most Common Challenges Faced by Teachers and School Leaders This first set of data reports the three most common challenges faced by the participants as a core group—teachers, mid-level leaders and senior leaders. The challenges include: handling difficult situations and challenging people, the need to develop higher emotional intelligence and stronger resilience, balancing time and priorities.

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• Handling difficult situations and challenging people One of the most common challenges identified in this study included dealing with challenging situations presented by students, parents, and colleagues. Over half of the teacher participants claimed they needed to strengthen their conflict resolution skills and build their capacity to “remain relaxed” and not get “emotionally overwhelmed” to “resolve challenging situations in a professional manner”. The challenges they reported manifested in different ways in their school environments, including tension between teachers and parents, disagreements between supervisors and staff or between colleagues, and polarisation of values and expectations amongst stakeholders. Parental aggression in the school environment was found to be the biggest challenge for many teachers, which was illustrated with comments including “rude and loud complaints”, “intimidating postures” and “confrontational tones” . These comments were in line with the findings of several studies (e.g., Jaksec, 2003, 2005) which found increased parental aggression toward teachers in the US public school system. Engaging with parents and carers to enhance students’ learning is a professional practice expected by the Australian Professional Standards for Teachers (2011), (Standards 3.7, 5.5 and 7.3). Teachers and school leaders who participated in this study generally acknowledged that they share with parents the common goal of helping students to achieve or overcome identified problems. However, as TL5 pointed out, “by acting in an intimidating way, they (some parents) feel a sense of power and control, resulting in escalating the situation”. Facing emotionally charged parents and remaining calm is not easy. Amongst the participants who expressed a need to develop stronger conflict management skills, CT2 identified assertiveness training as a development need that would enable her to better handle conflicts with parents: The most common complaints from parents are that their child is not given enough attention, there is too much homework, not enough homework, so and so is bullying my child. Many parents came complaining without finding out the truth. Sometimes I feel like a punching bag for these parents to vent their frustrations. Maybe I’m too soft and polite. I want to learn how to be more assertive and how to be more diplomatic in deflecting these rude and unreasonable verbal attacks. (CT2, Sydney south west primary school)

Conflict situations arise when people hold different perceptions and expectations. Participants indicated that conflicts between teachers and students or parents, and conflicts between staff members and unit supervisors, occur occasionally in their schools. DP5 related the challenges of communicating with people who are perceived as “demanding, uncooperative, or arrogant” and pointed out “that having the ability to resolve these conflicts depends on the individual’s communication style and experience”. One assistant principal considered seeking coaching to help strengthen her conflict resolution skills. The biggest challenge is when people have an ‘us and them’ mentality. They get into cliques and gossip and backstab one another. Some of them tried to be deliberately difficult when asked to contribute. Most of the time, people do not realise that these behaviours can impact

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staff morale. I have read books about it but without support, it is hard. I think the most effective ways to help me with this challenge is to have a coach who can help me assess the different aspects of the problems and help with some suggestions to deal with them. (AP1 Sydney north Primary)

Mid-level leaders revealed difficulties in discussing issues with staff members who were not contributing, demotivated, or being uncooperative. This was a challenge identified by both mid-level leaders and some senior leaders. One assistant principal was particularly vocal about her development needs in giving feedback as a supervisor: I find giving feedback to some staff members rather challenging. I need to develop skills in communicating in a way that they do not take feedback as criticism or an attack, which will put them on the offensive or lead to resentment. The challenging ones are those nearing retirement and have an attitude. (AP3, NSW regional primary)

Offering her insights gained from experience, P5 indicated that “it is imperative that employee performance issues are dealt with quickly and efficiently. Having the ability to give effective feedback can help to motivate staff members and resolve issues before they become problematic”. She added that this was a needed skill amongst novice supervisors, a skill that is learnt through mentoring and practice. As participants made clear, in today’s complex environment, conflict management is an area in which school leaders need professional development to prevent conflict from reaching damaging levels or escalating into formal disputes. • The need to develop stronger resilience and emotional intelligence The second most mentioned area of attention from teachers and school leaders is strengthening emotional intelligence as a development need. In identifying it as a needed skill in today’s stressful workplace, participants recognised the need to manage conflict and learn to communicate more effectively with people who are perceived as “challenging”. In the following example, a team leader acknowledged his need to increase his emotional intelligence in order to manage his emotions, handle challenges and defuse conflicts: I’d like to have the opportunity to strengthen my skills in handling conflicts, perhaps to increase my emotional intelligence. Sometimes I felt I am caught in situations when I felt I could handle the situation better if I had the proper skills. You see, not all conflicts are alike. A confrontation with an angry parent is very different from a personal tiff between co-workers. I feel that if I had some formal training, I’d feel more confident when handling these challenging situations. (TL3, Sydney north high school)

Here, TL3 identifies conflict management with emotional intelligence, recognising that there is no single, straightforward way to handle conflicts. His desire for further training in using the concept of emotional intelligence endorses the theory that conflict management involves a multistep process comprising assessment, analysis, monitoring and negotiation, a capability that is developed and practised over time (Brinia et al., 2014). In addition to emotional intelligence, participants also mentioned the need to develop resilience, which they described in different ways. For some, resilience meant

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“the ability to adapt well to change”; for others, it was “the ability to recover from setbacks” or to “become mentally stronger”. These comments show that resilience is important to teachers because the evolving student demographic inevitably brings about changes, and increasing demands on class teachers to do more while seemingly achieving less: I became a teacher because I believe that I can make a difference in helping students achieve educational success. With the constant change these days, I find I’m not coping well. I need to strengthen my ability to adapt well to change. I feel I have lost my confidence and the pride I used to have when I was younger. Now I have no sense of accomplishment. Yes, I need some coping skills, to learn how to be more resilient. (TL7, NSW regional primary school)

TL7 illustrated how stress and work pressures have impacted his self-esteem and self-efficacy. He wished to develop more skills to harness his resilience and bounce back from adversity, conflict and workplace challenges. In a more recent study, Day and Gu (2014) suggested that due to the multidimensional nature of stress faced by teachers, they need strategies to build their resilience. To achieve this, Edwards (2010) defined resilience as a process of positive adaptation that can be developed with specific competencies. Participants in this study were selfaware of their need to develop resilience and identified it as part of their professional development. The findings on this theme also correspond with recent discussions on the importance of building teachers’ resilience by boosting their emotional intelligence, in order to prevent burnout and stress caused by heavy workloads, poor student behaviour and a perceived lack of appreciation (Day & Gu, 2014). The need to increase attention to develop school leaders’ emotional intelligence is apparent in the data captured. • Balancing time and priorities Concerns over teachers achieving work-life balance via the ability to balance time and priorities have increased in the last decade as indicated in the literature (e.g., Bushra & Yasir, 2014; Maeran et al., 2013). In his latest book, Day (2017) stresses the necessity to understand the complexity of the work environment and the importance of supporting teachers to maintain work-life balance, to reduce stress and prevent burnout. In this study, 40% of the participants communicated the need to develop strategies to achieve a work-life balance: I need people to help me with how to balance the juggling act. I always have something new to learn, something else to share with others, just so much to do. It seems that my work is never complete. I sometimes feel so overwhelmed. (C2, Sydney south west primary school)

In his third year as a teacher, CT1 said that he often felt that his work and personal life were out of balance. He attributed this problem to his lack of experience in prioritising, but was not able to find enough support to deal with this issue: I need to learn to use my time wisely and not to put too much pressure on myself. There is so much to do and even though I know I need to separate my work life from my home life, it is a very hard thing to do, and I don’t know where and how to get help. I have spoken to my colleagues, but they don’t seem to have any concrete or practical suggestions. They seem to be struggling with this too. (C1, Sydney north primary school)

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Some mid-level leaders who were charged with mentoring younger teachers have also observed this phenomenon: Young teachers tend to take on too much as they are passionate about their work, especially the talented ones. And others tend to call on these talented ones to do jobs that they don’t want to do, or are not confident doing. So, these young talented ones tend to feel burnt out eventually. As a mentor, I always remind them to take it slowly and be aware of how much they can handle, and not to put too much pressure on themselves. (HT3, Sydney north high school)

The findings regarding participants’ concerns over work-life balance correspond with studies from Day and his colleagues, who found that teachers today face not just work-related demands but also demands from their personal lives (Day, 2017; Day & Gu, 2014), prompting the urgent need for organisational leaders to create a work environment that prioritises work-life balance.

14.5.2 Challenges and Demands at Different Stages of the Professional Journey The path of a career transition is usually filled with new challenges, which may be both stress-inducing and rewarding at the same time. These career transitions may include joining the workforce after graduating from a university, returning to work after childbirth, or a long break, moving to a new state or country, or being promoted to a more senior position. The following are participants’ views and insights into their transitional experiences. • Psychosocial needs in job transition Psychosocial needs include the needs to find a sense of self within a larger social environment, the need to find a sense of individuality and fitting into society as a whole. A psychosocial lens in leadership transition helps to understand how the surrounding social environment impacts the physical and mental wellness of an individual and their ability to function (Woodward, 2015). The psychosocial needs during leadership transition identified in this part of the study include: • • • •

developing a sense of belonging (14%) developing a professional identity (14%) a need for peer acceptance (17%). a need for social support and friendship (26%)

The need for social support and friendship development and the desire to develop a sense of belonging were stronger amongst classroom teachers than other leadership groups. The following illustrate participants experiences and emotions with qualitative data from the study.

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• A sense of belonging Workplace loneliness when transitioning between roles was described as a challenge by three classroom teachers (CT), one head teacher(HT) and one deputy principal (DP). For some, the development of connections with their colleagues took longer than anticipated due to personality differences, generational differences and even racial and cultural differences. For example, CT3 related the challenges posed by her own personality and highlighted the psychosocial aspects of transition into a new environment: When I was younger, I was very shy. To others, I appeared aloof or uninterested, but I just did not know how to join in a conversation. I was very lonely. I usually sat quietly watching people chitchatting enthusiastically, but I was not a joiner. It took me a long time to learn to socialise. Some of my co-workers were very nice to me, some just ignored me. Now I am more conversational. I have learned the skills. My advice to people is to be more self-aware and make the effort to come out of your shell if you are a super-introvert like me. (CT3, Sydney west primary school)

Being aware of her personality traits and the impact of the negative elements of these traits has helped CT3 to develop emotionally and socially. This highlights the importance of self-awareness as a school leadership capability in leading self. Two of the interview participants candidly discussed their social transition needs related to gossip and the lack of social support. CT2, who has been in her current school for five years, reflected on how the discomfort she experienced in a previous role hindered her development of a sense of belonging: When I first started teaching, not in this school, in another school, people loved to gossip, and I hated that. I seldom joined in staff morning tea because I did not like to hear backstabbing comments. I was very unhappy in that school. (CT2, Sydney SW primary school)

In the workplace, gossip is a naturally-occurring social phenomenon and it is important for all leaders to understand its implications for organisations, because it can be a form of social mistreatment and have an impact on both the gossipers and their unfortunate targets (Farley et al., 2010). Despite teachers being professionals, many are not aware of the negative effects of the gossip and rumours they spread, probably seeing them as a social glue to bond with co-workers (Farley et al., 2010). CT2, who did not share this social value, “hated” this kind of behaviour and was unhappy in the environment. Luckily, I got a new position in another school after a year. People are nice in this school, very friendly and no gossips. (CT2, Sydney SW primary school)

The examples given by CT3 and CT2 prompt attention to social support for newcomers to a school community and sensitivity to the contextual nature of support expectations and perceptions among newcomers as they interact with their workplace communities.

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• Development of a professional identity Professional identity is described as a form of self-awareness based on an ideal model and an expectation of goals to be achieved (Vignoles et al., 2011). It impacts the development of self-confidence as well as overall performance at work. Six interview participants identified the process of developing a professional identity as a transition need. Their descriptions included experiences as young teachers trying to establish their professional identities and receiving acceptance from their peers, building relationships with the school community, and meeting the professional standards and expectations. Two examples are presented to illustrate the transition challenges faced by a graduate transitioning into a class teacher role, and a teacher from another country trying to fit into a new environment. CT6, a young teacher from a regional primary school, stepped into her classroom determined to live up to her childhood dream to establish her professional identity as “not just a teacher but a ‘good teacher’”. In her transition from a graduate to a class teacher, she was confronted with a reality shock and described in emotive terms how she was “let down”, “stunned and disappointed” and “felt lost”: Unfortunately, I felt so let down when I realised that teaching is more complex than what I had observed from my revered teachers as a student. I was stunned and somewhat disappointed because my students seemed to lack so many of the foundation skills and prior knowledge relevant to their grade level. I also came to the realisation that regardless of how effective my teaching strategies were with one group of students; they did not work with other groups. Sometimes I felt lost. (CT6, NSW regional primary school).

Her high expectations of herself and the lack of information on her students’ backgrounds compounded her disappointment in the lack of resources and support from senior leaders in a small regional primary school. One teacher, who joined the Australian teacher workforce from overseas, felt challenged as she attempted to cross cultural borders to establish her teacher identity in an Australian school, and shared her experience on how she had to overcome adversity related to her racial difference: It does not matter how well-qualified you are, when you speak with an accent, people immediately second-rate you. I do not think my accent is very strong, but I certainly do not speak like a native Aussie […] Coming from a different culture, I have different views on teaching strategies. These were often disregarded in team meetings, and I felt diminished, robbed of my professional identity as a highly-regarded teacher in my own country. (CT4, Sydney west School for specific needs)

These two responses unmask some embedded dilemmas faced by new beginner classroom teachers in transition, either from university to the real classroom or another school, or even when crossing international boundaries. As teachers move into a new environment with unique cultural values, they need support to help them understand the interplay between their self-perceptions and the professional expectations of the organisation in order to develop a positive professional identity. Access to appropriate, supportive transition arrangements can reduce barriers for newcomers.

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14.5.3 Transition Challenges from Teaching to School Leadership Participants of the study were also asked to describe some of the challenges they met in the process of stepping out of the classroom and taking up additional leadership role in mid-level school leadership, such as in the role of a head teacher or assistance principal. The following challenges were identified: • Transition needs in people management Transition needs in the area of people management were reported by mid-level (head teachers and assistant principals) and senior leaders (deputy principals and principals). These two tiers of leaders described their transitional challenges as: becoming problem solvers; learning to lead through others and delegating, knowing how to give feedback tactfully and constructively; and leading collaborative learning and planning. • Becoming a problem-solver A common challenge identified from the information provided by this group of leaders was the demand placed on them to become problem solvers. The range of problems thrown to them included everything from equipment breakdowns, team member conflicts and teacher-parent conflicts to curriculum-related matters, resource planning and distribution, scheduling times and locations, and problems caused by miscommunication. Mid-level leaders used a number of metaphors to describe the intensity of this shift. For example, HT3 claimed that her new role was “an emotional roller coaster” causing her “tremendous stress”. AP2 stated “suddenly, life was a chain of problems waiting to be solved”, the word “suddenly” denoting inadequate preparation and unforeseen expectations. The most mentioned issues about problem solving were framed around handling challenging students, pointing to the standard recurrent problem of having challenging and disruptive students sent to them or DPs during class time. HT2 described how he has learnt through experience to frame these problems using a strategic mindset: When I was new to the job, I felt compelled to handle the problems and prove my prowess as a good leader, and I wanted to fix every problem. Behaviour management is teamwork. A concerted team effort is required in solving challenging student behaviour. With more experience now, I’ve learnt to bring my team together and we would brainstorm ideas on how to be consistent in our practice, on planning strategies to help students develop selfregulation skills, and on designing learning activities that would engage these students. (HT2, Sydney north high school)

This remark is consistent with previous observations that student behavioural problems bring with them a string of underlying factors that need to be looked at, such as cultural and contextual factors. Leaders moving from classroom management to people management need to develop relevant capabilities to mobilise collective input and make necessary changes.

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• Learning to lead through others and delegations A majority of the participants claimed that they learnt to cope with their transition challenges mainly through self-taught strategies, trial and error, and experience. AP2 shared her narrative of how she developed her specialist expertise through time and experience when the inclusion of children with autism was still a new concept eight years ago: I knew very little at that time on how to support these students, especially the more challenging ones with autism who had difficulties following classroom rules and getting along with other children. I was not alone, my principal and DP supported me a lot, but it still made me feel inadequate as a leader because I was not able to give the kind of support that many class teachers needed. I attended some professional training but what I found most helpful was learning from specialist teachers, talking to parents and therapists, and observing class teachers. It took a couple of years for all of us to learn and cope and now we are all confident, and we work closely with parents, and they are happy and feel supported. (AP2, Sydney north primary school)

This retrospective account confirmed the statements made by other mid-level leaders about being regarded as problem solvers, and being expected to intervene and meet the diverse needs of different student groups. For AP2, despite being thrown into the deep end of the unknown, she had support from her seniors, and with time and experience, they worked collegially to provide needed services to students with special needs. AP2 now mentors aspiring teacher leaders to prepare them for the role based on her own experiences and transition challenges. • People management and giving feedback While a newly promoted leader needs to adjust to their new leadership identity, so do the followers who were once their peers. Two assistant principals and three head teachers reported sudden feelings of isolation and found that co-workers and friends suddenly became critics. This adjustment period was testing and impacted on their social and emotional well-being: At the beginning, I was very uncomfortable having to deal with people who were critical or highly defensive and emotional when they disagree with issues. I did not know how to manage a pushback, or confront a direct report who frequently engage in undermining behaviour. I felt threatened especially with more matured staff who have been here for many years. Luckily, my DP always backed me up and she taught me how to manage my anxiety and how to ask questions, instead of telling. Successful people know how to ask the right questions instead of telling. I’m still not very good with that. (HT 1, NSW regional high school)

HT3 offered the following insight to future mid-level leaders: “it is important to realise that when you’ve taken up the role of a head teacher, you have crossed the boundary. You need to communicate differently and form new relationships with your colleagues. You need to make mental adjustments to fit into the new role”. This advice is congruent with the three stages of leadership transition described by Bridges (2009, pp. 27–76), which are to let go of the past and enter a neutral zone, launch a new beginning, and continue to learn to deal with consistent change.

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• Leading and engaging in collaborative activities Teachers value their autonomy and, in the past, have generally worked independently. Now, they are increasingly being encouraged to work together and engage in collaborative planning and implementing school projects. The concept of collaboration centres on leaders developing their team members at all levels by letting go of ‘control’ and sharing development opportunities that will help others to step up and develop their own leadership and professional skills (Lumby, 2013). However, responses from the participants (28%) revealed a discrepancy in the understanding of collaboration, and a perceived deficit of skills in leading collaborative interactions to effect connection and commitment. Call me old fashioned but I don’t really understand collaboration. Well, I assume, when it is done properly, it works, but most of the time, it is just allocation of work given a fancy name. First of all, it is hard to reach a decision when everyone puts out a suggestion, and you know, when you are not in a position of influence, your idea never counts, you’d think, why bother? This means, the majority must conform to the more powerful ones in the group. After a few times, you just wait to be assigned the work, and do what you have to do. You can see this in the kids doing collaborative projects. Some don’t even bother to contribute. They rely on the domineering ones to do all the work or to tell them what to do. Perhaps I need some PL (professional learning) to convince me. (C5, NSW regional high school)

In describing her need to increase her understanding of collaboration, C5 pointed out the reality of ‘collaboration’ when frictions arise through competition of ideas and the ambiguity of the process. She highlighted the power play involved and that people need more training and understanding of the term ‘collaboration’, and reflect on the current state of play in staff assignment and classroom projects. Collaborative leadership is about building trust, breaking down silos and generating a culture of planning and working together, leveraging the different talents, skills and experiences of different members of the organisation or group (AITSL, 2012). To do this requires training and a shift in the leader’s thinking about what effective collaboration is, and how it can be achieved to maximise collective effort. Leading collaboration is hard. It requires time and practice and a strong sense of team. In my experience, I am able to lead effectively with some groups and less effectively with other groups. It also depends on the nature of the project. If it is something that everyone is passionate about, it is easy. When it is a task which is novel or one that encompasses different views, it is harder. It is a skill that requires fine tuning. I want to spend some time studying it and applying new approaches for different situations. I think it is a development area that all teachers need. (DP4, Sydney west high school)

This response substantiates and extends on what C5 pointed out, and advocates further training and development for teachers and school leaders. Professional collaboration comprises different layers of elements rooted in deep relationships, which require trust, leadership skills and communication skills. To inform plans for further skill development in leading and engaging in authentic collaboration to increase collective contributions, an inspection of the school community’s work culture and its readiness for collaborative work is necessary (Crowther, 2015; Lumby, 2013).

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14.5.4 Transitioning from Mid-Level Leadership to Senior Leadership Evidence captured through the stories from mid-level leaders discussed in the previous section establishes that mid-level leadership roles provide the training ground from which teachers learn to generate ideas through others and define reasonable alternatives to resolve problems. Additionally, the experiences gained in midlevel leadership can play a large role in preparing these leaders for senior leadership. However, according to Bridges (2009), moving to the third tier of leadership requires another shift in mindset and capability: the capability of thought leadership. Key themes captured in this study described these elements of thought leadership. They included: learning to adopt a big-picture lens and developing visionary thinking skills, developing strategic thinking skills, matching the values of the school community, bringing necessary changes to create a new school culture, mentoring and coaching. • Big-picture thinking and strategic thinking Three senior leaders (two DPs and one P) identified the ability to think strategically as an important transitional capability when moving from mid-level leadership to senior leadership. The term ‘strategic thinking’ may have different meanings for people in different fields, so these senior leaders were asked to explain the concept and how they applied strategic thinking in their roles, as well as how they developed this capability before and after their transition to their current roles. One principal stated that: The shift from mid-level leadership to senior leadership is learning how to be visionary. Mid-level leaders are exposed to visionary development before becoming DPs as they are part of the school executive team, and they contribute to the annual school plan and other future planning. (P1, Sydney north primary school)

Here, P1 linked strategic thinking with developing the annual school plan using a collaborative approach with the executive team, thus giving mid-level leaders the opportunity to develop the capability before advancing to senior leadership. In contrast, one DP interpreted strategic thinking differently and clarified how it is applied in the daily operation of leadership at their level: Many people think that strategic thinking is only what principals do. Everyone can be a strategic thinker. It is about having a vision, a goal and then planning how to achieve the goal. It is about setting directions and then prioritising activities. I have always been a strategic thinker but being a Deputy Principal, I needed to strengthen my strategic thinking at a different level so that I can support people and guide them to achieve goals. I have to think through the challenges faced by my staff and make some workable plans to help them overcome obstacles or fear, or discomfort, when we need to implement change. (DP1, Sydney north high school)

Following a similar line of thought, DP5 defined being strategically minded as having “the ability to apply strategic concepts to make complex decisions based on reliable

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information”. Over half of the senior leaders also linked strategic thinking with establishing organisational goals, strategic resourcing and planning as a core component of educational management. • Matching the values and culture of the school community For principals who move to a new school to take up their new role, one of the biggest transitional adjustments is fitting into the culture of their new workplace. P2, a very experienced principal in the NSW public school system, testified to her experience of being a mismatch for the school culture when she acted as a caretaker principal for a school that held values opposite to hers: I was asked to be a caretaker principal because there was a sudden change in that school, until they found a new one. Unfortunately, when a school is going through change, the parents feel insecure, the staff feel insecure, and therefore, there were more complaints than necessary. I could see the change that I need to make but the school community held a very different cultural view. They did not see the need to increase attention to academic improvement because the school had always valued a sports culture. Fortunately, they found a new principal soon enough and this principal seemed to be a better fit for the culture. (P2, Sydney north primary school)

P2 walked into a school that held opposing cultural values to hers and realised that she was not a fit for its culture. Whilst she valued a culture of academic excellence through active learning and quality pedagogical input, the school community of that school regarded sports as their major priority. P2 realised that it would take her tremendous time and effort to lead a cultural change and was glad that it was only a temporary position. Understanding cultural fit is a selection criterion in the corporate recruitment process of many organisations (Sarala & Vaara, 2010), indicating that this is a capability that candidates must have to be qualified to advance to positions of senior leadership. This capability forms an essential base for pre-role preparation and support. • Bringing necessary changes to create a new school culture From another perspective, one principal highlighted sensitivity toward the increasingly multicultural nature of school populations in regions where ethnic diversity is growing. Knowing how to approach and handle the social reality of the changing cultural demands on schools is an essential capability for senior school leaders when leading the organisation and the community. P1, a senior school leader with vast experience, shared his insights into this issue: We are a multicultural school as you can see, and we value diversity. The previous school that I worked in as a DP was also very multicultural, with a majority of students with Asian backgrounds. When I became a principal of this school, I actively reached out to parents and listened to their expectations. I consulted with the staff and the director, and we started running bilingual classes for Chinese and Korean children. Also, as you can see, over half of our staff here are also from Asian backgrounds. My point is, being a leader of the school, you need to be clear of your vision and how the vision matches with the school and the changing demography of the school community. (P1, Sydney north primary school)

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The responses of P1 and P2 confirm the importance of developing sensitivity to cultural values and understanding as senior leadership skills, matching the current discussion on the importance of leadership in culturally-diverse schools (Davis et al., 2015; DeMatthews & Mawhinney, 2014). Both leaders reported developing this capability via experience and insights gained from previous roles. However, for novice principals who might not have such experience, the mismatch between leadership and community demands can lead to problems. This highlights another aspect of transition support for school leaders in transition to senior leadership. • Mentoring and coaching Both mid-level and senior level leaders are responsible for mentoring or coaching staff members at different levels to help them develop their professional skills. A mentor guides and shares specific technical skills and knowledge with a mentee, while a coach inspires and lead a ‘coachee’ to think of solutions and plan goals for future growth and actions. A skilled mentor can be both a mentor and a coach at different stages when helping a developing staff member to grow, but a good relationship between the mentor and mentee is vital to the success of the mentoring process (Ingersoll & Strong, 2011). Mentors given the responsibility of mentorship without training and development in this area may do more harm than good, as this narrative from one respondent shows: I’d like to develop some skills in mentoring. I am very lucky to have a DP who is a brilliant mentor. She is very objective in her approaches and did not impose her ways. Sometimes we discussed issues that we did not agree on, and she let me decide what would work best for me. She is patient with me and frank to point out how I could do better by giving me a range of suggestions. Unlike my friend who was paired with a rather controlling mentor, and it gave him a year of hell. He quit and has gone into the IT world where he is now very happy. But he is so talented and good with kids. What a waste! (TL4, Sydney west primary school)

It is, as indicated by TL4, important that mentors know their own limitations and seek to develop their mentoring skills, as self-awareness is always a process of refining and polishing one’s skills further, as AP4 pointed out: I love mentoring. Working with young teachers energises me. Mentoring is a mutual learning process; you learn from them, and they learn from you. I find that I tend to give too much advice and I find myself constantly curbing my urge to fix things. It has to do with my ego, I now realise. As a mentor, you have to be careful with what you tell them. It is better to ask and give them options. Don’t give them the answer. I am still refining my mentoring skills. That would be one of my development needs. (AP4, Sydney west primary school)

Mentoring young teachers is listed as one of the roles of a Lead Teacher in the Australian Professional Standards for Teachers (AITSL, 2011). Classroom teachers who wish to be accredited as Lead Teachers must provide evidence of their ability to mentor and support new teachers in conjunction with their principal or deputy principal. Currently, to reinforce this development, the NSW Department of Education has established a Leadership Development Initiative with online resources to support the development of leadership skills to help school leaders strengthen supporting and mentoring abilities.

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The data captured on transitional challenges and support for school leaders clearly indicate that leadership transitions can be and are stress-generating when the new position demands instantaneous leaps and expansion in the scope of responsibility. Factors disclosed by interview participants indicated that clarity around the expectations of new roles was lacking during and after their transitions. School leaders in transition were riding the wave of prior successes, probably as outstanding instructional leaders meeting selection criteria for the position guided by current teacher and principal standards. As evident in their responses, many of the transition challenges they faced were people-related rather than learning- or instruction-related, suggesting that a stronger focus on organisational leadership capability and awareness of one’s strengths in these capabilities is vital pre-transition groundwork. Transition support takes place at both the individual and the organisational level. At the individual level, leaders in transition need to reassess their own strengths and vulnerabilities and prepare a self-development agenda. They need to know where they can access a support network and prepare themselves by talking to leaders at the level they aim to pursue, to find out about the range of challenges they might encounter. An understanding of the range of emotional strains during this period of adjustment may make the transition less stressful. Learning how to be open and enlist the help of others may also ease the pressure of fearing being judged when facing challenges in the new role. In the corporate world, leaders in transition are supported by assessment tools to help them identify their needed strengths . With evidence pointing to a need for these, access to such tools and how to administer them will assist leadership transition for school leaders. At the organisation level, awareness of transition support as a vital component of talent management in a school system. Transition support is part of a comprehensive talent management system. To prepare for more effective leadership development, school systems would benefit from learning more about talent management and succession planning. When senior school leaders are aware of the transitional needs of staff members before, during and after their advancement to a leadership position, and provide the needed transitional support it will empower those staff members to climb the learning curve quickly and attain professional fulfilment and confidence in their new roles. This chapter has presented a synthesis of current views of school leadership and the demands faced by current school leaders with a range of scholarly works in the literature of educational leadership. It highlights the importance of collective leadership and emotional intelligence in school leadership. The presentation of the qualitative data obtained in a previous study by the author of this book (Gonzales, 2019) helps to paint a more realistic and vivid picture to advocate for greater emphasis in strengthening the EI development of class teachers and school leaders.

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Crippen, C. (2012). The importance of followership in schools: First, teacher awareness. Education Canada, 52(2), 38–41. Crowther, F. (2015). Teacher leaders and experts: Equally important but not to be confused. Australian Educational Leader, 37(3), 6–7. Crowther, F., Ferguson, M., & Hann, L. (2009). Developing teacher leaders. Corwin Press. Davies, B., & Davies, B. J. (2010). Talent management in academies. Journal of Educational Management. Emerald Publications, 24(5), 418–426. https://doi.org/10.1108/095135410800 00452 Davis, B. (2003). Developing leaders for self-managing schools: The role of a principal center in accreditation and professional learning. In P. Hallinger (Ed.), Reshaping the landscape of school leadership development: A global perspective. Swets & Zeitlinger. Davis, B., Gooden, M., & Micheaux, D. J. (2015). Color-blind leadership: A critical race theory analysis of the ISLLC and ELCC standards. Educational Administration Quarterly, 51(3), 335– 371. https://doi.org/10.1177/0013161X15587092 Day, C. (2017). Teachers’ worlds and work: Understanding complexity, building quality. Routledge. Day, C., & Leithwood, K. (Eds.). (2007). Successful school principal leadership in times of change: International perspectives. Springer. Day, C., & Gu, Q. (2014). Resilient teachers, resilient schools: Building and sustaining quality in testing times. Routledge. Day, C., Sammons, P., Leithwood, K., Hopkins, D., Gu, Q., Brown, E., & Ahtaridou, E. (2011). Successful school leadership: Linking with learning and achievement. Open University Press. DeMatthews, D., & Mawhinney, H. (2014). Social justice leadership and inclusion. Educational Administration Quarterly, 50, 844–881. https://doi.org/10.1177/0013161X13514440 Donaldson, G. A. (2007). What do teachers bring to leadership? Educational Leadership, 65(1), 26–29. Dufour, R., & Marzano, R. (2011). Leaders of learning: How district, school, and classroom leaders improve student achievement. Solution Tree Press. Dweck, C. S. (2006). Mindset: The new psychology of success. Ballantine. Edwards, A. (2010). Position statement on resilience. Paper presented at the ESRC. https://www.not tingham.ac.uk/research/groups/crelm/documents/teachers-resilience/sem-1-anne-edwards.pdf Elmore, R. (2002). Bridging the gap between standards and achievement: The imperative for professional development in education. The Albert Shanker Institute. Fairman, J. C., & Mackenzie, S. (2012). Spheres of teacher leadership action for learning. Professional Development in Education, 38(2), 229–246. Farley, S., Timme, R., & Hart, J. (2010). On coffee talk and break-room chatter: Perceptions of women who gossip in the workplace. The Journal of Social Psychology, 150(4), 361–368. https:// doi.org/10.1080/00224540903365430 Friedrich, T. L., & Mumford, M. D. (2009). The effects of conflicting information on creative thought: A source of performance improvements or decrements? Creativity Research Journal, 12, 265–281. Friedrich, T. L., Mumford, M. D., Vessey, B., Beeler, C., & Eubanks, D. (2010). Leading for innovation: Re-evaluating leader influences with regard to innovation type and complexity. International Studies of Organization and Management, 40, 6–29. Frost, D. (2011). Supporting teacher leadership in 15 countries: International steacher leadership project Phase 1. University of Cambridge Faculty of Education. Fullan, M. (2006). Change theory: A force for school improvement. Center for Strategic Education, 157, 3–14. Fullan, M. (2011). Change leader: Learning to do what matters most. Jossey-Bass. Fullan, M. (2015). The new meaning of educational change (5th ed.). Teachers College Press. Goleman, D. (2013). Focus: The hidden driver of excellence. Harper Collins Publishers. Gonzales, M. (2019). A school leadership pipeline model: A systemic and holistic model for school leadership development. Islandora Repository, Western Sydney University Thesis Collection.

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Chapter 15

Emotional Intelligence and the School Community

15.1 Introduction A connected school community can enhance learning opportunities for students and support a whole-child development philosophy. It encourages shared responsibilities and collective leadership amongst all stakeholders in the school population. To build a compassionate and inclusive school community, school leaders and teachers need to develop knowledge and skills to increase enhanced personal emotional intelligence and collective emotional intelligence. This chapter captures research-based approaches to inspire school leaders and teachers to strengthen their capabilities to increase their personal emotional intelligence (EI). It also presents models and strategies on how to lead collective EI to build constructive partnerships with parents and students, and how to help students put their voices to action.

15.2 What Is a School Community? Every school is unique with its own identity, culture, and school community. A community is a group of people sharing common interests, social values, attitudes, and responsibility to practise a common ownership. The school community comprises students, teachers, school leaders, parents, the school board of directors or governors, and school sponsors who directly fund the school. It also embraces the wider community that supports the school in different ways, such as social welfare services, teachers’ unions and teacher educators, before-and-after-school care providers, specialist teachers who support students with additional needs, therapists and educational psychologists, school health services, religious or faith groups, student advocate groups, legal advisors and the like. A unified and supportive school community will help to enrich the school by increasing its social and operational capital, and the necessary human and material resources. It will better provide a school with a positive environment and school © The Author(s), under exclusive license to Springer Nature Singapore Pte Ltd. 2022 M. Gonzales, Emotional Intelligence for Students, Parents, Teachers and School Leaders, https://doi.org/10.1007/978-981-19-0324-3_15

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climate that reinforces its common values, culture and supportive relationships. Historically, the term ‘community’ refers to a place or a territory, such as a neighbourhood. Today, this term is also used to describe a group of people who create social relationships amongst themselves, sharing common interests and values, and working together to achieve common goals. A class within a school can be a small community. Children in a class generally share common aspirations, friendships, and collaboration. A key aspect of a community is to foster a sense of belonging, inclusion, and respect for differences (Day, 2006; Delanty, 2003). Contemporary literature on school leadership is stressing the importance of helping school principals and different levels of school leaders to develop increased people skills and to develop their capability in parents and community engagement. Scholars urge university and education ministries globally to provide more learning opportunities for school leaders to enrich their collaboration and communications skills. These skills are necessary to engage with today’s diverse school community members. They also need to learn the skills to analyse and use multiple frames to develop meaningful solutions to solve today’s complex problems in schools (Bryk, 2009; Capper et al., 2006; Furman, 2012; Guajardo et al., 2015). It is important that leaders at both school and district levels have an open mind in understanding the different values of the diverse school community. They must also learn to shift from a deficit mindset to an empowering one. This means they have to stop viewing parents and community members from different backgrounds as ‘inadequate’ and not value their input, but instead, give them a voice to express their perspective members (Boethel, 2003; Epstein et al., 2013; Furman, 2012).

15.3 School-Community Collaboration The term ‘school community’ also describes the social and emotional attachments that community members may have to a school. This includes those who work in the school, from parents and families, alumni, services and volunteers, and those who directly or indirectly fund the school, such as sponsors and taxpayers. Growing attention is focused on the importance of the school community and its contribution to the whole school. School leaders can foster stronger parental and stakeholders’ engagement by building trusting relationships. Many parents are uncomfortable voicing their opinions or even complaining when they are seen as ‘trouble makers’ who ‘complain too much’. They worry that their actions may negatively impact their children. School leaders and teachers with strong EI and sensitivity towards parents’ needs are better able to help them solve problems. One way to develop a learning community is to run seminars and group learning sessions and invite parents to join in. School leaders can also elicit the help of school counsellors and specialist teachers to help parents to build the necessary skills, too. This may be done directly through having positive and friendly dialogues with them, or refer them to support groups and parenting networks.

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Many schools in Australia excel in forming partnerships with parents and grandparents, for example, through helping to work in the school canteen, forming ‘busy bees’ groups to help with environmental enhancing projects (such as starting a vegetable garden), leading weekend environmental projects, and teaching cultural arts and crafts as extra-curricular activities. Many parents also volunteer in helping with reading programs, supporting young readers, and taking care of newly arrived students from non-English speaking backgrounds. Some work collaboratively with teachers and school staff to run monthly school newsletters to inform others on what is happening at the school, celebrate student and staff achievement, and acknowledge input from other stakeholders. They seek input from other parents by inviting suggestions or completing surveys to identify and implement needed change. Those who are not able to give of their time are often willing to help financially, either by donating money, small items for school bazaars, or even finding sources to gain sponsorships for students’ projects, small scholarships, or other revenue-generating activities. Such school-community collaboration is increasingly recognised as an important element of school success, with proof showing how such team effort is vital in accomplishing collective goals, such as supporting families, improving student outcomes, supporting school development and change, and most importantly, looking after the mental health of students, staff and other parents (Anderson-Butcher et al., 2006; Bryan & Henry, 2012; Epstein, 1995). Franklin and Streeter (1995) indicated eight important dimensions of school-community collaborations. They are: leadership skills and capability, commitment, planning, funding, resources, learning and development, scope of change, and impact. Learning these skills does not come naturally. It is a continual learning process which requires school staff, parents, and other stakeholders to have the willingness and persistence to learn and apply them.

15.4 Building an Emotionally Intelligent School Community Effective school-community partnership and collaboration depends on: • environmental factors (the size of the school, amenities and physical facilities, culture of the neighbourhood), • organisational factors (leadership and leadership capabilities, values, school culture, school climate), and • individual factors (personalities, interests, different viewpoints). It is also impacted by processes such as the school governance, collaborative coordination, and power distribution (Blank et al., 2012; Hillier et al., 2010). This highlights the unique nature of each school and the different demands and challenges each school community faces. Partnerships between schools and community members will help to foster greater integration and inclusion. Through effective communication and

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exchange of suggestions and expertise, school community members can work to create better outcomes for the students and their families. There is currently a growing interest in the conceptual work on group emotionality, and the understanding of collective emotions and collective emotional competencies. Collective emotional intelligence is defined as the ability of a group to be aware of the affective dynamics within a group. It also includes skills to facilitate emotional expression, and the ability to effectively regulate one’s own emotions and those of others in a group. Authors on collective EI noted that some people are naturally high on social awareness and sensitivity and are able to innately facilitate the coordination of agreement in social interaction. Gifted with interpersonal attraction, these individuals can influence and persuade others to concurrence. They are also highly capable of fostering emotional bonds within a team (Walter & Brunch, 2008; Wooley et al., 2010). To build a successful school, members of the school community may work as individual teams, as well as collaboratively to plan and set goals to perpetuate school improvement and community development. Both individual and collective EI are key elements in building trust and forming emotional bonds with other community members. Collective EI requires the individual to first have a good level of EI and the ability to be emotionally self-aware. Individuals also need to have empathy and understanding towards others, and to have the skills and capability to manage others’ emotions in stressful situations. When the majority of the group have this capacity, they can develop collective EI. They can work towards building a collaborative culture. Group emotions grow out of social interactions and through observing how each behaves. When a group is able to develop a set of norms that manage emotional expression and emotional processes, they can lift the emotional intelligence of the group and generate positive and supportive behaviour (Druskat & Wolff, 2001a, 2001b; Goleman et al., 2002; Jordan & Troth, 2004). A connected school community with high collective EI cares for and supports its members. The majority of the group is likely to have sufficient skills to ignore, dismiss and regulate unproductive emotions of its own. Members refrain from gossiping and spreading rumours, but instead, support each other to develop their talents and provide each other with opportunities to learn and grow to maximise their ability to operate at their best. When a group is high on EI, they do not raise their voice when feeling upset or annoyed by opposing views or comments, but are able to remain composed and listen to seek ways to solve problems raised, and to work on them collaboratively. These are all learnable soft skills that can be developed through individual or collective efforts (Goleman et al., 2002).

15.5 School Leadership in Building Collective EI A school community high in collective EI shows empathy. Community leaders and agents are sensitive to the group’s emotions and are willing and able to address unproductive emotions instead of yielding to the control of the dominant few. Effective

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community and team leaders are competent in communication. They use knowledgeable means and continuous learning to set and accomplish team goals, following sound methods and focusing on the process instead of pursuing immediate deliverables. They truly listen and they ask questions to gain information. They can employ clever questioning techniques to understand others and persuade others to gain buyin. The skills of asking instead of telling is an important one in leading and working in collaboration with others. Current literature presents evidence to show that team leaders and work supervisors who are strong with EI capabilities have a direct influence on team and group performance. They are able to manage a team’s emotions to improve performance by inspiring them with optimism and showing support with empathy, and helping team members to manage their own emotions while supporting others to regulate their emotions through building confidence, trust and resilience (Kerr & Garvin, 2006; Pescosolido, 2002; Koman & Wolff, 2008; Zhou & George, 2003). Studies have also found that work teams that have a high level of collective EI are better able to manage conflict and seek collaborative solutions when confronted with disagreement and relationship tensions (Jordan & Troth, 2004; Schlaerth et al., 2013). To lead and create an emotionally intelligent school community, school leaders and other community leaders need to have a repertoire of soft skills to inspire others, move them to action, help them to resolve conflict, and deal with stressful situations positively and productively. To do so, they need to form trusting relationships with their teams and group members. Cook and Wall (1980) describe two dimensions of trust in team coherence: cognitive-based trust (confidence in someone that they can be responsible and reliable and deliver what they promise to do), and affective trust (feelings of emotional closeness, friendship, empathy, and faith in the honourable intentions of others). To gain and build such trusting relationships, leaders need to be secure in their professional competence and integrity, as well as being personable and have strong interpersonal and social skills. Druskat and Wolff (2001a, 2001b) believe that group behaviour is structured through norms defined by informal rules adopted by group members, or standards set by professional and organisational governing bodies. Members of a group or a team bring with them a range of emotions, such as contentment, joy, anger, fear, and embarrassment—emotions that have unavoidable and influential effects in group settings. Through the multi-directional interactions between and amongst group members, a certain pattern of behaviour is formed. This is known as the group dynamic, which affects the collective emotional structure of the group. Based upon years of research and studies, Druskat and Wolff presented their theories on emotional intelligence process in group EI in three dimensions of emotional intelligence, including twelve norms of group EI behaviours described as follows: Dimension One: Individual focus • Group awareness of members. This describes perspective-taking and interpersonal understanding (including the willingness to listen to and accept others’ opinions).

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Group members who have a high level of this ability are able to express their emotions clearly and in a positive manner, while those who don’t are unaware others’ emotions, and when problems occur, tend to take it personally or blame others. • Group regulation of members. This is the ability to graciously confront members who break norms. Members with this aptitude are able to regulate their own emotions and also to facilitate a healthy environment and build supportive relationships, while those who lack such skills tend to become overly emotional, are easily upset, and are unaware of their negative impact on their team-mates. Group or team leaders low on this capability also have trouble facilitating the smooth progress of work projects and work plans. Dimension Two: Group focus • Group self-awareness. This is developed through the group’s (or team’s) ability to self-evaluate continually and seek feedback. When group leaders are not proficient in helping their members to develop such group awareness, members are unable to build trust, are suspicious of one another, gossip and spread rumours, and work under negative energy. • Group self-regulation. This is the ability to create an affirmative environment, proactively solve problems, and create resources to promote positive emotions. Group leaders with this capability are able to set their meeting agenda early to prepare their groups so they can bring contributing ideas to complete or plan their projects, make decisions, or solve problems collaboratively. Conversely, leaders weak in this skill often fail to motivate others, and carry out ‘pseudo’ collaboration (e.g., assigning tasks instead of encouraging collective input). This can result in group members preferring to work on their own, showing no interest in group meetings, and refraining from contributing to constructive involvement. Dimension Three: Cross-boundary focus • Group social awareness. This is the ability of individual teams to develop organisational awareness and inter-group awareness. Effective leaders inform their team with big-picture information and keep them abreast of organisational-wide knowledge. • Group social skills. This is the ability of group members to build external relationships. Leaders proficient in this skill are able to communicate with crossfunctional teams. They lead in a timely manner to plan goals that align with organisational missions, while those lacking in these skills keep their team and themselves isolated and work in silos. Studies on school leadership have produced evidence that school principals who are good with people skills and strong on emotional intelligence are able to use empathic listening to help teachers and school community members to engage in more positive thinking and behaviour in communication and problem solving. They are able to influence others in the workplace to develop higher emotional sensitivity and positive emotional behaviour that impact an attitude change and enhance job

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satisfaction and higher work performance. With this capacity to build a trusting bond with the school community, these principals and school leaders can confidently create the impetus for school change to happen successfully. (Berkovich & Eyal, 2015; Gkolia et al., 2018; Hoxha & Hyseni-Duraku, 2017; Ozdemir & Kocak, 2018). School principalship is a highly demanding role. Despite the focus of current literature still on the principal as the sole leader of a school, more scholars are advocating for the practice of collective leadership and the sharing of leadership responsibilities (Bolden, 2011; Crawford, 2012; Gonzales, 2019; MacBeath & Dempster, 2009; OECD, 2013). School leaders at all levels concurrently perform invisible yet demanding emotional work day in day out. They must deal with student academic and behavioural, social and emotional problems, parents’ demands, and societal pressure. Singh et al. (2009) claimed that emotional intelligence matters twice as much as cognitive abilities, especially in a people-oriented environment. Unfortunately, current literature also illustrates that leadership preparation programs for principals and school leaders in many parts of the world still fail to equip these leaders with the needed skills and capacity. Advocates call for a strengthening of the components of emotional intelligence and emotional competence as part of leadership education and ongoing leadership development to equip them with the mindset and capability to build a safe and harmonious emotional climate at their school, and to lead social justice and collective emotional intelligence in the school community (Beatty, 2006; Beatty & Brew, 2004; Leithwood, et al., 2008; Mills, 2009). These leadership preparation programs must strengthen school leaders’ understanding and sculpt leadership muscles to apply knowledge and skill in order to make a difference in the lives of individuals, families, organisations and the whole school community. They have to include theoretical aspects that are framed around questions of equality, ethics, social justice and practical know-how to lead collaborations to solve today’s complex problems. They must provide leadership candidates the opportunities with field-base opportunity to observe, participate and develop capacities to work with different groups of the school community. This will enable them to build partnership and practise using multi-perspectives to understand complex issues to shape knowledge and skills to develop meaningful solutions (CPED, 2014; FitzGerald & Militello, 2016; Waterston, 2015). As the world become more complex and diverse, leaders in any profession and discipline face challenges that are impossible to solve alone, no matter how competent and highly intelligent they are. By developing a higher sense of EI and bringing more emotional intelligence to our teams and communities, we are able to foster a more open culture of communication and empathetic camaraderie. Emotional intelligence is about human connection. Leading collective EI is about knowing how to harness our influence and using the right tools to improve results and affect change. We have a young generation of hopeful leaders with potential, boundless ideals and strengths to change the world. With necessary leadership education and development, they can lead collective efforts to solve unsolvable problems. When the whole school community comes together, we can nurture that collective vision to make the world a better place, starting with our school community.

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15.6 Teachers and EI Teaching is a profession that is fraught with intensely emotional demands. Teachers experience a wide array of emotions day in and day out, having to deal with student learning problems, and behavioural challenges. Their interactions with their colleagues, other professionals in education, and sometimes irate parents, also pose problems at times. Teachers with a high level of personal EI understand how to meet the needs of their students leading to a more holistic way to support the learning and development of the children and youths in their class. Studies on teachers’ EI have produced prolific volumes of literature showing how teachers’ EI influenced students’ learning and achievement, increased their job satisfaction, reduced stress and burnout, and strengthened their interpersonal relationships with all the stakeholders in the school community (e.g., Becker et al., 2014; Hargraves, 2017; Yin et al., 2013). Teachers’ EI is also strongly linked with teaching efficacy, that is, teachers’ belief in their own capacity to promote students’ engagement, maximise students’ academic performance, and have the expertise to nurture their students’ development with a whole-child approach. Chan (2008) found in her study that teachers with a higher level of EI are able to manage stressors better and have stronger self-efficacy. Interestingly, more recent studies have identified that young teachers, especially primary school teachers and those who have less than six years of teaching experience, have a stronger emotional competence in dealing with students and school-related challenges (Valente et al., 2019). Evidence also shows that teachers who have received a higher degree, such as a master’s degree or a PhD, are also stronger in their EI and emotional competence (Fernades, 2015; Valente, 2019). This suggests that there is a stronger component of EI in teacher education and teacher preparation in recent years.

15.6.1 Teachers’ Emotional Competence Some researchers discovered that teachers working in low-income environments face more challenges and stressful demands, having to work with fewer resources, more challenging student behaviour, and low student achievement. For these teachers, a higher level of EI would help them to cope with these challenges, and to help their students to develop the necessary social and emotional knowledge and skills to overcome familial challenges and learning difficulties (McCoy et al., 2015). Education authors maintain that teachers with underdeveloped EI will struggle to meet the complex demands in today’s schools, and they advocate for increased attention in helping teachers to develop their emotional intelligence and relevant emotional competence (Holzberger et al., 2013; Lancaster, 2014).

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The 1997 Bar-on Emotional Intelligence model (2006) appears to be more popular (amongst other EI models) in education and in the development of teachers’ emotional competence. The model comprises five main categories and sub-categories of EI: 1.

Intrapersonal EI (self-awareness and self-expression) • • • • •

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Self-regard: to know and understand oneself Emotional self-awareness: to perceive and understand one’s own emotions Assertiveness: to express one’s emotions positively and effectively Independence: to be free from emotional dependence on others Self-actualisation: to endeavour to do one’s best to achieve personal goals and to develop one’s potential

Interpersonal EI (social awareness and interpersonal relationships) • Empathy: to be aware of and understand how others feel • Social responsibility: to cooperate with others and to identify with social groups to whom they belong • Interpersonal relationships: to have the ability to relate well with others and to establish healthy relationships and friendships with others

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Stress management (emotional management and regulation) • Stress tolerance: to be able to manage one’s emotions in stressful times • Impulse control: to be able to regulate one’s reactions and behaviour, even when faced with pressure or stress; to know how to think before acting

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Adaptability (change management) • Reality-testing: to objectively validate one’s feelings and thoughts with external reality • Flexibility: to be able to adapt and adjust one’s feelings and think of new ways to cope with situational demands • Problem-solving: to effectively solve problems without being emotional

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General Mood (self-motivation) • Optimism: to develop a positive mindset and look at the bright side when faced with difficulties • Happiness: to feel content with oneself, with others, and with life in general.

Scholars all over the world are urging universities and teacher education providers to invest more time and effort in increasing teachers’ EI and emotional capacities to cope with their own needs, and to teach and help students to develop their emotional intelligence. They stress the importance of personalising these learning opportunities, and not just provide online training and grant them a certificate of completion after two or three hours of learning. To help teachers to develop EI and related skills, they must be supported with ongoing development opportunities. These include opportunities to have professional dialogues with specialists or experts on the subject, to

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observe others and see how they utilise their EI and skills to build relationships and solve problems, to equip them with practicable strategies in the classroom and in the school environment and, if possible, provide them with personalised mentoring or coaching (Dolev & Leshem, 2017a, 2017b; Hassan et al., 2015; Ju et al., 2015; Patel, 2017; Thakur, 2012; Vesely et al., 2017).

15.6.2 Supporting Teachers in Conflict Management Constructive conflict management is vital in the school environment. Yet it remains one of teachers’ major concerns as many do not believe they have the capacity to handle conflict effectively (Rimm-Kaufman et al., 2005). Many researchers conceptualised conflict as neutral and should not be viewed as something negative nor to avoid (King et al., 2009; Rahim, 2011). For example, Putnam and Poole (1987) described conflict as ‘the interaction of interdependent people who perceive opposition of goals, aims, and values, and see the opposing party as potentially interfering with the realisations of these goals’ (p. 552). Some authors see conflicts as ‘constructive controversy’ and claimed that, when perceived positively and handled with skill, they will lead to positive outcomes, like higher task accomplishment, increased job satisfaction, and greater future cooperation (De Dreu & Gelfanc, 2008; Tjosvold et al., 2003). Teachers and school leaders face conflicts in the form of complaints on a daily basis. Education ministries and school governance bodies worldwide have set policies and procedures to guide school staff on how to handle complaints and conflict within the school environment. Teachers should be aware of these policies and procedures. They can also seek support from their supervisors and senior management to help them to solve these challenges. For example, the Department of Education and Early Childhood Development of Victoria, Australia, has produced a very comprehensive policy guide for the public school system (2009). In this policy booklet, guidelines are set out to help teachers to develop EI competence to handle conflict and manage relationships in the school environment. Readers may find the following summary helpful. 1.

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Building positive relationships Positive relationships are built upon mutual respect. Communication is key to all healthy relationships. Teachers must learn to communicate effectively and engage in active listening to understand and appreciate parents’ perspectives. Highlight the positive things that the school can do to address parents’ concerns and invite them to set common goals to facilitate a better outcome. Dealing with a complainant Teachers and school leaders need to value complaints and not perceive them as totally negative. Complaints are an important way for the community to communicate with a school. Complaints provide valuable feedback about the teacher and how the school is performing to meet the needs of the students and

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the parents concerned. When the complainant’s emotional investment is high, the complaint can come across as a demand. Listen to the complainant carefully and with an open mind and treat them with respect. Take notes and do not be in a defensive mode. Show the complainant that you are there to help and not to fight them. Keep the discussion on relevant issues, check facts, check assumptions, and refrain from forming an opinion before hearing all sides of the story. Seek support from your supervisor, the principal, or refer to policy guidelines if in doubt. Follow-up actions are important, especially if it is a complex issue. Keep lines of communication open and make sure that written responses address all of the issues and are written in easy-to-read language. Active listening Even if the complainant is very emotional, teachers and school leaders should be patient and really listen. Allow silence in the conversation. Never be defensive. Be mindful of your tone of voice and body language. A friendly nod and a welcoming body posture may calm the complainant and lead them to shift their attitude, and be more willing to listen and engage in a more positive conversation. Be genuine when listening, and acknowledge the person’s feelings. Being assertive: saying ‘yes’ or ‘no’ with confidence Some people have problems saying ‘no’ because they may think it is selfish or uncaring to do so, or try to avoid confrontations, or just simply don’t know how to do it effectively. Teachers need to develop assertive skills to handle parents who make unreasonable demands. Be sure to give a reason for refusing the request by explaining the facts and rationale for the decision. Offer alternatives if you can think of any. Ask for more time to consider the request and discuss the matter with your supervisor if you are not sure about what to do. Understanding the blame cycle Being under extreme pressure can make a person angry, judgemental, fearful, self-righteous or revengeful. They might find themself believing that other people have bad intentions or lack ability, and wanting to blame (and punish) anyone and everything. Blaming might appeal as a quick fix, but it creates bad feelings, undermines everyone’s willingness to work together, and can perpetuate difficulties rather than address them. Understand that many parents are not trained in handling their emotions and they may need to blame someone or something to hide their sense of guilt and their sense of failure to meet their responsibility. Learn the art of deflecting blame and, most importantly, do not blame the complainant, even if they are really at fault. Managing a request for an apology Parents who make a complaint may ask for an apology. If both parties recognise each other’s rights and responsibilities and want a ‘win-win’ outcome, an apology alone may resolve the complaint. Where it does not, it can reduce tension and pave the way for maintaining and repairing relationships. However, if the apology is given in a way that results in the recipient seeing it as a defeat, the apology can backfire and escalate a conflict. If a teacher does not feel she is in the wrong and needs to make an apology, she can still maintain a good relationship by stating how she feels, e.g., “I understand that you are

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angry/upset because...”, in other words, state the negative impact of the cause of the complaint. “You are concerned because it...Let’s move on and find a better way forward”. If the complainant is still upset, schedule another meeting and seek advice from someone who can support you. Moving beyond a stalemate Sometimes a matter of concern may drag on without reaching a mutually desired resolution. Parties concerned need to focus on the problem and not the persons and refrain from blaming and gossiping. Go through the record and see if the same solution has been tried repeatedly. Explore barriers to further discuss alternative ways to move on. Address emotions and seek help and advice from other members of the school community or from external professional experts. Encourage fair play in negotiations. Managing aggressive reactions When the complainant is aggressive, you must stay calm yourself. If possible, offer a glass of water. This can also buy time for the complainant to calm down. If possible, bring in another person (your supervisor or a colleague). Acknowledge the complainant’s concerns. Do not argue or defend. Ask open questions, such as “What would we need to do to address this matter? (e.g., to improve communication, to help your child?). It is helpful to follow up with a letter (or email) or keep in touch with the complainant to see if the solution worked, and decide if further interactions are required, or if further steps are needed to address the issue. Managing unreasonable confrontation Acknowledge the complainant’s concerns but at the same time, assert the school’s position and policies. If, after investigating the complaint, there is nothing further you can do, and no resolution or mutually agreed remedy has been reached, teachers and school leaders may need to send the complaint to the regional office in line with departmental policy. Where appropriate, make it clear that there will be no further correspondence or contact with the school about the complaint. Communicate clearly, keep records of meetings and take notes.

Conflict management and conflict resolutions are specific skills. Teachers need training and practice to develop such tactics and capabilities. No one can achieve all these skills and competence by simply reading about them. They need to observe how other people do it and practise by role playing with a buddy or a colleague. We learn better through experience and even mistakes. Like building our muscles through physical training, we can build our emotional intelligence through being mindful at being self-aware, understanding our emotions and effectively managing our emotional reactions. We need to put effort into developing positive behaviour and unlearning old, unhelpful habits, learning to be sensitive to others, showing empathy, and having the genuine desire to build healthy and mutually supportive relationships with others.

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15.7 Parent-School Partnership There is no shortage of literary works on the value of parental input in students’ overall development and school success. When parents form partnerships with teachers and the school community, visible benefits are noted, such as reduced absenteeism and truancy, improvement in students’ conduct, attitude toward school, self-esteem and motivation, and increased effect in academic achievement (Dearing et al., 2006; Hill & Tyson, 2009; Wairimu et al., 2016). Parental involvement is broadly articulated as an important aspect of children’s educational success worldwide. Good parenting at home is considered one of the most important factors that impact a child’s educational attainment, and the overall development of the child. However, parental expectations vary in different cultures. For example, parents in Eastern cultures, such as Chinese, Japanese, and Korean, generally believe that teachers and school leaders are trained professionals who know what is best for the education of their children and tend to refrain from ‘interfering’ with the school process. They have high regard for teachers and school personnel. Many Asian parents support their children with home-based intervention, such as helping them with homework and revision, engaging tutoring to encourage supplementary learning, enrolling their children in art, music and sports classes to develop their social and extra-curricular interest after school. Likewise, some teachers in Asian countries generally do not welcome parental input and sometimes view their suggestions and feedback as complaints (Gu & Yawkey, 2009). On the other hand, parents in Western culture believe that children learn and grow at home, at school, and in their communities (Daniel, 2011). They understand that home support from parents is not sufficient for effective learning to take place and are happy to contribute their time and effort in partnership with teachers and the school community to support a whole-child development.

15.7.1 Barriers in Parental Involvement Amongst the many barriers described in the literature that deter parents’ engagement in the school community, three common themes surfaced: culture and identity, communication barriers, and organisational barriers. Cultural and identity barriers Parents from non-Western culture do not share the concept of parental input at school and generally do not expect to be involved in such participation. They show very low efficacy as ‘partners’ who can work side-by-side with a teacher. Furthermore, these parents will not ‘interfere’ unless they are invited to take part in activities instigated by school personnel and other members of the school community. Additionally, there are other psychological factors that influence parents’ hesitation to participate in school intervention and to help their children at the school level. This includes their

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language skills, their education levels, work commitments, and their socio-economic status (Giallo et al., 2013; Green et al., 2007; Walker et al., 2005). Studies have found that teachers who are culturally sensitive are better able to form partnerships with parents who are not familiar with this idea. Some parents may learn through their children’s school experience and form an awareness of a cultural distance when they perceive social-cultural differences (language, dress, faith and values) and discrimination. This will lead to a reluctance to show up at school ‘unnecessarily’ or to avoid social contact with ‘unfriendly’ members of the school community. Teachers with an open mind and willingness to understand and accommodate these parents’ concerns are able to help nervous parents feel safe and build their confidence in supporting their children in accordance with school expectations. Communication barriers Communication barriers stretch beyond spoken and written language. Many schools are able to employ translators to help with written communication or enlist the help of other bi-lingual parents to serve as interpreters in face-to-face meetings with parents. Communication barriers can exist even between people who speak the same language. These include perceptual barriers and emotional barriers. We form unconscious bias toward someone that we do not know well, or someone very different from us. This is deeply rooted in our culture and upbringing. This preconceived judgement or bias will affect how we communicate with others, and create perceptual barriers. When we are self-aware and other-aware, we will learn to ditch our preconceived assumptions about others, and replace judgement with curiosity by learning to ask questions tactfully to build rapport and establish trust. Similarly, we create barriers of communication when we are emotionally charged. It is therefore important to be mindful of our emotional state when we communicate with others. This is especially vital when engaging in a sensitive and tricky conversation. Genuine authentic communication happens when we listen in order to understand, and not to respond or defend. Organisational barriers Some studies found that parents’ enthusiasm in school involvement is often dampened by organisation barriers, such as the lack of understanding of how to get involved and what they are expected to do, feelings of marginalisation due to their socioeconomic status, confusion about the school operation structures, untrained staff who are not friendly or even discriminatory in their manners and language, and the aloofness of school leaders (Byrd, 2011; Yoder & Lopez, 2013). Despite increasing awareness of the importance of engaging parents as partners in the education of the students, more needs to be done to support school leaders and staff to develop attitudes, skills and capacity to put such an ideal into practice.

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15.7.2 Supportive Structures to Enhance Parent-School Partnership Parent-school partnerships are based on mutual respect, trust and collaboration. Leadership is critical in establishing, maintaining and revitalising partnerships. Mapp & Kuttner introduced a Dual Capacity-Building Framework for Family-School Partnerships (2013), which is now widely adopted and practised worldwide. The framework outlines five key principles: • • • • •

Build relationships with families before plunging into program work Collaborate in order to get to know students’ needs, passions, and knowledge Work together and make projects interactive Provide support to develop families’ capacities to assist their children Link it all to learning. Focus conversations on academic content and strategies, rather than rules and expectations

To strengthen parent-school partnerships, school leaders need to create conditions which are conducive to enhancing and promoting positive and effective relationships, and for such partnerships to be sustainable. Some schools put action groups in place to plan, organise, implement, and evaluate parent engagement activities. Today, many schools in the western world (e.g., the U.S., Canada, Australia) are guided by governmental guidelines with policies and procedures which explicitly state principles and strategies of how to establish and maintain effective parentschool partnerships. There are also support networks to enable school communities to discuss issues, share ideas and best practice, report on successes, and drive continuous improvement in partnerships.

15.7.3 Key Elements in Successful Parent-School Partnership Mapp and Kuttner (2013) also point out two essential conditions which are vital to parent-school partnership success. They include process conditions, and organisational conditions. Process conditions 1.

Processes should be relational and built on mutual trust Teachers who are under-developed with their skills to work with parents as partners may make inaccurate and unhelpful assumptions about students and their families. Education leaders (education ministers and school directors) must ensure that teachers and staff understand the importance of establishing trusting relationships with others and provide learning and development opportunities to build their capacity. They also need to develop relational strategies to enhance amicable interaction between school staff and parents to encourage more active

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participation from parents with different activities to support their children’s education. Processes should be connected to student learning and development Mapp and Kuttner (2013) noted that many schools involve their parents mostly in social activities and miss the opportunity to engage them in sharing the responsibility of supporting their children’s cognitive, emotional, physical and social development. The authors feel that schools should create more opportunities to inform parents about their curriculum, instructional practices and academic goals for different student groups. Parents would benefit if the school invited them to attend learning and development days to discuss such plans and policies and provide opportunities for parents to run workshops or meetings to discuss other social issues, such as how to deal with bullying, preventing substance abuse, establishing relationships with their teens, and programs that help parents develop skills they need. Processes should be asset-based Mapp and Kuttner (2013) also remind school leaders and teachers to adopt a positive view and drop the traditional ‘deficit-based’ mindset of focusing only on the shortcomings or deficiencies of the students. Instead of discussing why students are ‘lazy’, ‘unmotivated’, or ‘misbehaving’, teachers should focus on the existing strengths and necessary strengths of these students and work with their parents to develop their potential. They call this an ‘asset-based’ or ‘strength-based’ approach to identify the strengths and interests of the students and build their potential as a strategy to solve learning and behavioural problems. Processes should be culturally responsive and respectful Culturally responsive engagement requires all school community members to be respectful and responsive to cultural differences and refrain from unhelpful and discriminatory attitudes and behaviour. This applies not only to racial differences but also to religious and generational differences, gender and sexual identity, students with disabilities, students with refugee status or backgrounds, and students with unconventional family combinations. We live in a world very different from a couple of decades ago when we were students ourselves. It is necessary to have an open mind and embrace the diverse needs of our students and their families. Processes should be collaborative Leaders need to build their school’s capacity to work collaboratively, enabling teachers and parents to work together and learn from one another. By offering program specifics to meet the needs of their parent group, the school can enhance a joint effort that ultimately impacts positive developmental, social, and educational outcomes for their students. Through collaboration, the school community can build supportive social networks and develop a stronger social capital for their community. Processes should be interactive Mapp and Kuttner (2013) assert that parent-school partnerships need to be interactive, with both parties learning from each other. They would work best if there were feedback mechanisms put in place to monitor progress and to identify

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problems so that improvements can be made. The school should also provide opportunities for parent engagement with a developmental orientation (to help parents build skills and knowledge and learn how to solve problems) and a service orientation (to provide services and support for those who need help). Organisational conditions 1.

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to build systemic family-school partnerships Parent-school partnerships and parental engagement needs to be a long-term strategic goal in the school annual plan and be evaluated and revised annually. It should be embraced by leadership across the organisation. to enhance integrated family-school partnerships The practice of parental engagement should no longer be an optional practice. It needs to be embedded into the structures and processes in the professional development of teachers and school leaders and integrated into the job description of the teaching profession. to establish sustainable family-school partnerships Parental engagement and parent-school partnerships need to become part of the school’s infrastructure, with funding to support such practices, and policies and procedures to guide their implementation and performance.

To sum up, school leaders who are able to develop their capability to utilise the human capital of parents’ skills and knowledge, to harness the social capital of the school community to build relationships and support networks, and to nurture and develop a collaborative school community, life will change for the better for the whole school community. It will take time and a lot of hard work, but it will happen. Where there is a will, there is a way. Believe and achieve.

15.8 The School Community and Student Leadership Students are the key component of a school community. Sadly, many students across the world still feel a low level of belonging in their school and their school community. To promote a stronger sense of students’ connectedness with their school, we must give them a voice and listen to their needs. The term ‘student voice’ has become a buzz word in education literature, describing active student engagement and participation in issues that are important for their learning, growth and development. A school that values student voice listens to their students to understand the different aspects of their school life as feedback for planning and decision-making in their school goals and strategies. Student voice in the classroom creates consistent opportunities for feedback and reflection from which teachers can learn so that they can improve their pedagogy and relationship with their students. Student voice in the school community provides ways for students to realise their interests and talents and develop real-life skills and experience that will enhance their whole-person development. Traditionally, students have had no voice in any part of school decisions. The growing movement in promoting student voice actually began as early as the 1960s

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and -70s. This philosophical shift encourages the whole school community to embrace the belief that everyone plays a part in contributing to the common good of the school, and student voice should be heard and valued. Education leadership scholars noted that the absence of a student voice has resulted in chronic absenteeism, disruptive behaviour, poor academic achievement, increased bullying, aggression and violence in the school, and a high drop-out rate (Fullan, 1991; Kozol, 1991; Liberman & Miller, 1990; Smyth, 2006). Haller and Strike (1986) proposed the inclusion of student voice in school decisions to give them a choice in their learning options. Fullan (1991) asked, “what would happen if we treated students as someone whose opinion mattered?”(p. 170). And Cook-Sather (2007) urged school leaders not to treat students as consumers of products but co-makers of the product, given an equal role in planning their learning and contributing to the development of school policies and curriculum programs. Globally, scholars have produced evidence to prove the importance of student voice. Rudduck et al. (1997) in the UK have given testimony that student voice impacts positive educational change. In Canada, Pekrul and Levin (2005) found that democratic student voice can impact a mass shift in school cultural change. In Denmark, the government values student voice as a driving force to revitalise the positive energies in creating democratic schools (Flutter, 2007). And in the U.S., Mitra (2004) found that when school leaders listen to their student voice, they are better able to understand why students struggle in their learning and social adjustments, pointing to blind spots that adults missed. The promotion of student voice has been linked to elevated learning achievement, increased classroom participation, enhanced school reform, fewer behavioural problems and enhanced self-reflection for both students and teachers in teaching and learning.

15.8.1 Why Is Student Voice Important? The student achievement gaps in education are getting wider across the world. In the U.S., the high drop-out rate in high schools is prevalent, especially amongst students of colour and minority groups, and those living in poverty and low socioeconomic areas (Smyth, 2006; Steinberg & McCray, 2012). Students are disengaged because their primary human needs are not met. They feel powerless, inadequate, and hopeless. Likewise, other groups of students who have additional support needs are not given the help and understanding to build their self-esteem and self-confidence. Scholars are pleading with education policy makers and school leaders to respond to the complex interplay of factors that marginalise students, and truly listen to their voices (e.g. Brenner-Camp, 2011). Emotionally intelligent school leaders value student voice and are compassionate. Evidence has been found to prove that when students are heard and feel valued, they change for the better. Such evidence was given by Yaffe (2018) who found that black male teens showed marked improvement in their academic achievement when their teachers were able to show empathy and understand their problems, supporting them

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with strategies to help them learn and grow. Stelmach et al. (2017) also gave evidence on how Canadian teachers with high levels of empathy and compassion helped their aboriginal students to enjoy school better, reduced the absenteeism rate and increased school attendance. Other scholars also proved that when teachers are more caring and amicable, and are sensitive to the emotional needs of their students, they are able to create a friendly environment to strengthen students’ sense of belonging and increase their self-esteem. These teachers are able to help their students to build friendships and establish peer support groups, leading to increased school success and student satisfaction with their school lives (Berk, 2012; Gallardo et al., 2016). American educational psychologists Eric Tsahalis and Michael Nakkula point out the importance of teachers’ awareness and understanding of student engagement (2012). They have introduced a spectrum to help teachers to involve students’ input through listening to them and developing practical strategies to put their student voice into feasible teaching and learning approaches. The spectrum ranges from expression, consultation, participation, partnership, and activism to leadership. • Expression: Expression gives students the opportunity to express their opinions, complaints, praises, and objections. Additionally, teachers learn from their students’ study attitude, school work presentation, and test scores to gather information to evaluate teaching effectiveness, and to understand students’ challenges, difficulties and relational issues. • Consultation: Consultation actively asks students for feedback and suggestions. Even surveys and focus group research can be conducted to gain students’ perspectives on their learning. • Participation: Participation involves students in planning and decision making in curriculum programs and projects, and gives suggestions on how these can best be implemented and evaluated. • Partnership: This encourages and provides students with opportunities to take a lead role in identifying issues that need attention, and to work collaboratively with them to decide how best to address them. • Activism: Activism encourages students to be proactive and aware of issues other than learning and academic matters. It teaches them to advocate for what they value with integrity, honesty, and respect. • Student leadership: This helps students to develop leadership skills and provide them with opportunities to learn and exercise these skills. Student leadership can be developed in formal and informal situations, such as through recreational clubs, and sports and art clubs. Students can take part in academic- and subject-related leadership roles, as well as social and citizenship development.

15.8.2 Student Leadership: Putting Voice into Action Genuine response to student voice by hearing and using their ideas and suggestions will help students increase their motivation to learn and overcome challenges they meet at school. School leaders and teachers can further drive meaningful student

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engagement by giving them opportunities to lead initiatives and to develop student leadership. They can partner with students and regard them as critical stakeholders, and also embrace their capacities for creative and innovative ideas to solve problems from a young person’s perspective. Students can develop their intrapersonal and interpersonal intelligences and competence to face a complex and fast-changing world. School leaders and teachers can help them to develop adaptability, flexibility and resilience. Having the opportunity to take on a student leadership role is hugely beneficial for young people. First of all, they will learn about self-awareness and gain a better understanding of their strengths and limitations. They will increase their self-confidence through delivering speeches to their fellow students or speaking to adults on their behalf. Through working with teachers and other school community members, they will develop better social, management, and organisation skills. Through collaborative involvement, young people will learn how to work through others and with others. They will learn about responsibility and accountability. By helping their fellow students, they will learn to understand others with empathy, develop active listening skills, inspire others and learn how to respond to other students with opposing views (Lavery & Hine, 2013; Neumann et al., 2009). Being a student leader is not about glory. It is about service and learning how to be humble. It is about mobilising action with persuasion, developing negotiation skills to achieve goals, and dealing with defeat and disappointment. Student leaders will learn to set realistic goals and expectations and, in the process, learn to deal with intense emotions and self-conflict. Sometimes, through painful experiences and hurt feelings, they will learn how to balance criticism and praise, to ignore spiteful gossip, and to consistently strive to be bold, fair, and work with integrity. When young individuals can weather all these challenges in their adolescence, imagine what outstanding adults they will become.

15.8.3 How to Support Student Leadership Currently, schools worldwide are providing leadership opportunities for their students, even in senior primary school years. However, school leaders and teachers need to be aware that these leadership opportunities are not tokenistic, such as merely announcing school events in school assemblies and addressing parades. Apart from offering opportunities for them to be class captains, prefects, club chairs, sports captains, and school council representatives, school can support leadership development through offering appropriate leadership development programs. School leaders and teachers can also involve students in adult-own and youth-led engagement, bearing in mind that, while the responsibility belongs to the students, the accountability rests with the teachers and school leaders.

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15.9 Conclusion The growing complexity of today’s school environment compels us to find creative solutions for a kaleidoscope of demands and challenges. This requires us as educators and parents to develop a wider breadth of skills rooted in academic and professional competencies, people skills, critical thinking, emotional intelligence and competence, and a growth mindset. These skills are all interconnected. Challenging as they seem, they encourage us to be agile thinkers and learners who are willing and able to adapt, to work together as collective teams, and to lead necessary change. To lead and prepare our next generation to establish their self-identity, and a sense of agency and purpose, we need to support them to be more curious, compassionate, innovative and creative, and have the courage to stand up for human integrity and social justice. We need to put our cognitive, social and emotional resources into action. To achieve this, we need to be their role models and lead by example. Life is exciting!

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Chapter 16

Helping Students to Develop Emotional Intelligence

16.1 Introduction Young people go through extreme ups and downs at different stages of their lives, especially during puberty. Without proper support and guidance, some children and adolescents can find it hard to understand why they have unhelpful responses to their emotional reactions. This chapter discusses the importance of teacher efficacy in helping students to develop emotional competencies through school Social Emotional Learning (SEL) programs. It presents research-based approaches that can help teachers to prevent and resolve conflicts at school and in the classroom. It draws on research data to illustrate how successful schools have focused effort on leading SEL in their schools and districts, and presents current EI programs and learning software that have been found to be effective in enhancing SEL at school in different parts of the world. EI provides students with the knowledge and skills to make sound decisions and good choices. It gives them tools with which to solve problems and develop moral values, become empathic and friendly, and take responsibility for their actions. Educators and government policy-makers are recognising the importance of EI in school education, and in the last decade, more schools and teachers have been working collaboratively to plan and implement SEL in schools all over the world. Many youth problems stem from low self-esteem and the absence of an idyllic childhood. This can be exacerbated by adults (parents and/or teachers) who, instead of understanding children’s emotional needs, spend most of the time telling them what they’ve done wrong. Given this string of disappointments and failures to meet expectations, young people can develop a pervading sense of being ‘not good enough’. When parents and teachers are skilled in EI, though, they can be more sensitive to the needs of young people with low self-esteem and help them to shed their negative emotional conditioning in a respectful, careful and gentle way. Currently, teachers and educators are coached to utilise a strength-based approach to help students to build self-confidence and self-esteem. They are reminded to look for opportunities to compliment and support students’ existing strengths instead © The Author(s), under exclusive license to Springer Nature Singapore Pte Ltd. 2022 M. Gonzales, Emotional Intelligence for Students, Parents, Teachers and School Leaders, https://doi.org/10.1007/978-981-19-0324-3_16

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of focusing on their problems or limitations. This does not mean accommodating bad behaviour or accepting low-quality work; it means helping students using a more positive mindset and focusing on how to increase their ability to grow by first attending to the emotional side of learning. The strength-based approach to teaching and learning requires teachers to engage in reflective thinking and practice, and to develop a critical understanding of their own pedagogy— how they relate to their students, and how this impacts the students’ learning and development. It also requires teachers to be inclusive, and focus not only on academic achievement but also on helping students to tackle learning difficulties. Finally, it requires teachers to create opportunities for students to express their thoughts and feelings by actively influencing what happens in the classrooms and on the school playground. Teaching is a challenging and demanding profession. Being an effective teacher takes patience, passion, dedication and continuous learning and self-development. This is why teachers need to have strong EI—so that they will be able to understand and manage both their own emotions and those of the people around them. They need strong interpersonal skills and communication skills to connect with students and members of the school community. They need to have genuine collaborative skills so that they can work with their colleagues and other professionals to solve complex student problems. And they need caring support from their colleagues and supervisors, and a strong belief in themselves, to be able to make a difference in the lives of their students and fulfil the vocational mission they have chosen.

16.2 Teacher Efficacy in Facilitating SEL in School Education There is growing evidence that emotional competence is a vital part of teaching. Teachers with high EI and emotional competencies are better able to pay attention to the emotional aspects of classroom learning and to create a conducive atmosphere for learning. They are also able to empathise and respond appropriately to others’ emotions, and show a greater ability to enhance student engagement, leading to higher learning achievement (Chesnut & Burley, 2015; Wu, 2013; Yoke & Panatik, 2015). With the increased attention on enhancing SEL in schools, many teachers feel they need more learning and development to strengthen their efficacy in fostering SEL in their daily practice. Researchers also stressed the importance of understanding the personal EI of teachers and whether they are adequately prepared during their pre-service teacher education (Turner & Stough, 2019). In a recent study, Gallardo et al. (2019) interviewed 624 first- and fourth-year students studying for Bachelor of Education degrees at various Australian universities to understand their perceptions of EI’s role in education. When asked to describe what EI meant to them, over 30% gave the following replies:

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• • • • • •

379

the understanding of emotions (self and others). the ability to control and manage emotions. the ability to empathise. the awareness of one’s own emotions and behaviour, and those of others. the ability to communicate and interact with others. the ability to express emotions appropriately.

Their most common responses to the question on how important EI was to them as future teachers were that it was important: • for classroom management. • to deliver wellbeing programs. • for making decisions about curriculum content. Participants were also asked to describe what they thought were the most effective modes of delivery in teacher education. Their responses were, in order of preference: • • • •

lectures/tutorials/learning units. examples and real-life teaching. practical training and activities. interaction with other teachers and students.

Additionally, about 10–12% of the participants responded that they were not sure, and over 16% expressed a need to strengthen the SEL elements to build stronger efficacy. In another study, in 2017, Loinaz surveyed and interviewed 750 teachers from Greece, Spain, England and Sweden to understand their perceptions of SEL (which in Europe is known as Social Emotional Education or SEE). The study focused on three main themes: (1) The purpose of SEE; (2) How it helps teachers to fulfil their responsibilities; and (3) How it prepares students for the future. Below is a summary of the key findings: 1.

What is the purpose of SEE? • Theme 1: Helping students to develop intrapersonal skills and improve their understanding of emotions: – it equips students with the information and skills required to deal with emotional distress, and to cope with negative emotions. – it helps students understand what a positive attitude is and how to generate it. – it gives students the tools and skills to be happy and experience more positive states of mind. • it helps children connect with their emotions and the emotions of others, and not be afraid of dealing with their emotions.

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• it helps students understand how their emotions change as they transition from childhood to adolescence. • it helps students understand how emotions serve to improve them as people, and acquire and improve personal strategies to channel emotions to improve mental health. • it teaches students to manage their emotions in such a way as to enrich their learning and develop healthy social interactions and relationships. • Theme 2: Increasing students’ intrapersonal skills in knowing more about themselves: – it helps students understand and build self-acceptance by acknowledging their strengths and limitations. – it increases students’ sense of self-worth and self-esteem. – it allows students to develop their own identities through experiencing independence. – it helps students develop the skills to reflect on their inner lives and become more self-aware. • Theme 3: Increasing students’ intrapersonal skills in managing adversity: – it helps students develop the resilience needed to deal with challenges and adversity. – it helps students to become resilient when facing barriers in education and beyond. – it helps students develop coping skills and learn how to handle stress and manage negative emotions. – it helps students to develop conflict resolutions skills and acquire the necessary tools to handle personal and social conflicts. – it teaches students how to prevent conflict and avoid self-generated problems. • Theme 4: Increasing students’ interpersonal skills in order to understand others: – – – – – –

it teaches students how to face problems rather than avoiding them. it teaches students how to solve problems appropriately. it helps students to develop a sense of belonging. to help students understand the environment they live in. it helps students respect diversity and create a climate of mutual respect. it helps students understand and accept the differences within the classroom. – it increases students’ social and cultural awareness and help them to develop understanding and empathy for children with different backgrounds. – it teaches students how to show consideration and respect other people.

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• Theme 5: Increasing students’ interpersonal skills to form positive relationships: – it helps students develop needed social skills and improve their communication skills – it helps students develop assertive skills and use them to solve relational problems. – it empowers students to work together and solve problems with a collaborative approach. – it heightens students’ awareness of where and how to seek help when they need it. – it encourages social participation in community groups. 2.

How Does SEE Help Teachers to Fulfil Their Responsibility? • Theme 1: Facilitating learning: – it impacts learning by helping students develop a positive mindset. – it meets students’ emotional needs by providing a safe and secure learning environment. – it does not isolate emotions from knowledge. – it individualises and tailors learning to meet students’ needs. – it gives students ownership of their learning and facilitates the internalisation of learning, so that they feel more involved in the process and learn more. – it helps students understand how to remove barriers to learning and overcome learning adversity. • Theme 2: Facilitating socialisation: – It provides resources, tools and strategies to help students better handle and interact with the outside world. – It helps students develop all aspects of their personality by adopting a whole-person/whole-child development approach. – It helps students integrate into society by being mindful of inclusion and helping students to be inclusive. – It supports students by offering a comprehensive education that teaches them empathy and personal and social skills. – It helps teachers listen to their students and build positive rapport with them. • Theme 3: Supporting students’ wellbeing and mental health: – It ensures that the wellbeing of all students is considered and that mental health needs are placed on a par with physical and educational needs. – It promotes the mental health and wellbeing of students in the school community.

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– It helps teachers be aware of the increase in mental health issues among young people and learn how to help and support them. 3.

How Does SEE Prepare Students for the Future? • Theme 1: Increasing students’ sense of social-political citizenship: – It makes students aware of their responsibilities and how to become active citizens. – It instils democratic values and shapes tomorrow’s citizens, and increases a sense of justice in society. – It helps students become fulfilled, empathetic citizens in a global democratic world. • Theme 2: Increasing students’ ability to improve their society: – It helps students learn to regulate their emotions, live in peace and avoid conflicts. – It helps students understand how others feel and take their perspectives, so that they can live together in peace. – It helps students to develop the awareness and empathy needed to improve justice and coexistence, and to show respect for their surroundings. – It helps students learn acceptance of socially excluded groups and collaborate with others regardless of their socio-economic level, identity and appearance. – It teaches that the pleasure of sociability is the foundation of productive civilisation. – It improves the pro-social growth of society by teaching students how to work on their emotions from childhood, leading to a modern, humane and social society.

While there were some cultural differences identified among the four European countries surveyed, teachers mostly shared a common perception of their self-awareness, and similar reflections on their own emotions at work and their roles and responsibilities in planning and implementing SEE to assist their students’ holistic personal development throughout the different stages of their life journey. Scholars from other parts of the world also advocate gaining a broader and deeper understanding of teachers’ needs and developing professional education content and approaches to help teachers strengthen their efficacy in planning and implementing SEL/SEE in school education. Many suggested applying a longitudinal research approach to gain greater insights and provide more helpful suggestions for teacher development (Darby et al., 2011; Darling-Hammond, 2010; Schonert-Reichl, 2017).

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16.2.1 Classroom Conflicts Episodes of conflict take place in schools on a daily basis. These may be due to minor disagreements or differences in interests, values and needs, or misunderstandings. They appear in the form of arguments, exchanges of verbal abuse and offensive language, disrespectful comments, classroom disruptions, destruction of school property, and even acts of aggression and violence. Common classroom conflicts include student–student disputes and student–teacher tensions or even power struggles in the classroom. EI plays a vital role in helping teachers manage job-related stress and handle stressful teaching conditions positively. Teachers are role models for their students. EI is a vital component of teaching and learning, because when teachers have high EI, they are able to articulate, identify, and understand their own emotional processes and those of their students in the classroom, thus improving interpersonal relationships and establishing positive student–teacher bonds. Studies have found that teachers who are able to perceive and identify the emotions of their students during class time are more effective in regulating emotions in the classroom. They are able to read students’ emotions from non-verbal cues and monitor the pace of their teaching to minimise boredom, reduce anxiety for those who struggle to catch up and motivate thinking and action. They are also able to create a caring and nurturing emotional classroom climate that is conducive to collaborative learning (Brackett et al., 2010; Meyer & Turner, 2007). We all learn from our role models—our parents, our current and former teachers and our colleagues. At the moment, many teachers still resort to old-school dominating or even coercive strategies for solving student–teacher conflict. However, there are numerous papers in the education literature on teacher stress and burnout, and some scholars highlight the need to strengthen teachers’ capability to understand and handle conflict to avoid these. One of the major gaps in teachers’ abilities to handle student–teacher conflicts is their inability to perceive students’ emotional needs, which then translate into behavioural challenges (Hopkins & Yonker, 2015; Rispens & Demerouti, 2016). It is therefore vital that teachers become proficient in resolving problems using a high level of EI. In the twenty-first century school context, conflicts with students have become progressively more complex. Teachers need a wide repertoire of skills and capabilities to adapt their practices to handle that complexity. They also need such capabilities to become role models who promote social and emotional competencies and demonstrate pro-social behaviours. However, the literature continues to highlight that teachers have difficulties in handling conflict management constructively without affecting their relationships with students due to a lack of key skills and preparation (e.g. Do˘gan, 2016; Özgan, 2016).

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16.2.2 Effective Conflict Management Strategies There are numerous models of effective conflict management used in the corporate realm. One of these, which is also one of the models most employed in education settings, was developed by Rahim et al. (2002). These professional advisers on conflict management viewed conflict as a two-dimensional motivation orientation: a self-interest orientation and a solution-focused orientation. They observed that people who use a dominating style of conflict resolution seek to achieve a self-interest goal, and in the process neglect others’ interests and emotional needs. Rahim et al. (2002) identified five common strategies that people use to handle conflicts. They are: integrating, obliging, compromising, dominating and avoiding. • Integrating: This style of conflict management requires open and honest discussion and active listening to understand each other’s concerns and discontentment. It uses a collaborative approach to find common ground and involves both parties (and other supportive parties) in finding a solution with a win–win outcome. Teachers who used this strategy reason with students inside or outside of the classroom setting, and involve students and/or other people concerned (parents, other teachers) in discussing problems and working collaboratively to move forward. • Obliging: This style of conflict management is usually adopted by people who have a non-confrontational nature and tend to settle conflicts by giving up their own needs and concerns to make peace. It is adopted by people who see their relationships as more important than their justifications. It can work to resolve minor issues, especially in marital relationships. When teachers value the interests of and their relationships with their students, they tend to adopt this conflict management style and follow students’ decisions rather than asserting their own needs. • Compromising: This style of conflict management sees both parties willing to give up something to reach a common goal. It indicates a degree of concern for both the self and others. It is a practical strategy when time is a factor, as it enables temporary solutions, and is workable in low-level conflicts. Teachers using this strategy usually discuss the matter of concern with the whole class to explore a generally accepted way to settle the conflict or problem. • Dominating: This style of conflict management is self-interest oriented. It is seen when someone with positional power or authority is dealing with someone who is less powerful. It leads to win-lose situations in which one party has to submit to the domination of the controlling party, resulting in increased relational problems. When teachers adopt such a strategy, they neglect and suppress the needs of their students, and this can lead to long-term problems. • Avoiding: This style of conflict management indicates a low level of concern for both parties. It reflects a refusal to acknowledge the existence of a problem, or indifference to a problem-causing conflict. Avoidance may give immediate relief from anxiety or grievances, but it can also lead to further and more intense tension and conflict in the future. Teachers who are experiencing burnout or emotional

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stress may choose avoidance to deal with classroom conflicts, and need support from their schools to develop and strengthen their conflict management skills. Studies have shown that teachers with high EI competence are better able to resolve disagreements and resolve conflicts, and have a high preference for using integrating and compromising strategies to instigate collaborative and cooperative problemsolving and manage conflict (Chan, 2006; Godse & Thingujam, 2010; Henderson, 2006; Heris & Heris, 2011). Conflicts are not always negative. They can lead to improved thinking and help us to develop wider perspectives by understanding others and adopting positive attitudes to support them. Teachers need the support of their schools and other school leaders to help them deal with conflicts. Schools can give this support by providing needed learning and development opportunities. They can also benefit from recognising potentially harmful influences that can impact student and staff wellbeing, and establish support structures to guard against harmful personal attacks or aggressive conflicts. By understanding common responses to conflict in the school community, school leaders can plan to meet the development needs of their staff and members of the school community in dealing with them.

16.3 What Should Schools Focus on to Increase Students’ EI? Schools play a central role in nurturing the healthy social and emotional development of their students. Like cognitive skills, social-emotional competence can be learned through different modes of education and specific learning activities, and in response to the complex needs of and demands on modern students and teachers, schools and education systems across the world are incorporating SEL into their national curriculum frameworks and supporting the professional development of teachers and school leaders to enable them to implement effective SEL. In 1994, a group of compassionate educators and scholars met in the U.S. and formed an organisation known as CASEL—Collaborative for Academic, Social and Emotional Learning. This organisation aims to promote high-quality, evidence-based SEL as an integral part of school education from kindergarten through to high school. Based on their years of research and practical experience, CASEL introduced an SEL model which is now used worldwide. It identifies five core competencies that support the healthy development of students throughout their early childhood to adolescence. These are: self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, relationship skills and responsible decision-making. Self-awareness is the ability to accurately recognise one’s own emotions and thoughts, and how they influence behaviour, and the ability to know one’s strengths and limitations.

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Self-management is the ability to regulate one’s emotions, thoughts and behaviour in different situations, including controlling impulses, managing stress, motivating oneself, setting goals and knowing how to work towards them. Social awareness is the ability to see the perspective of others, show empathy, understand social and ethical norms for behaviour, show respect for people from diverse backgrounds, and recognise family, school and community members as resources and support. Relationship skills is the ability to establish and maintain healthy friendships and relationships with diverse individuals and groups, and includes the ability to communicate clearly, listen actively, cooperate with others, resist inappropriate social pressure, handle conflict constructively and to know how to seek or offer help when required. Responsible decision-making is the ability to make constructive, safe and respectful choices about personal behaviour, realistically evaluate the possible consequences of various actions and look after one’s own wellbeing and that of others. CASEL has also produced a framework to help educational systems develop a system to plan and implement SEL in school settings. They stress that for authentic SEL to take place and be transferred into practice, the whole school community, including the government, needs to play a part, as establishing a pro-SEL school culture with operable school policies and practices, and skilled teachers to create learning environments that enhance SEL, requires authentic partnership from all stakeholders in the school community. CASEL suggests four implementation focus areas. They are: 1.

2.

3.

Building foundational support and plans: At the state level, education ministries can create state-wide school policies, develop organisational structures and fund the human resources needed to support school SEL. At the district level, systems leaders can plan and engage community stakeholders to support SEL learning goals and align human resources and financial supports to support school SEL. At the school level, school leaders can work collaboratively to develop a shared vision and a clear plan with goals, action processes and ownership of implementation, and foster awards for practitioners. Strengthening adult SEL competencies and capacity: It is vital that universities and advanced education institutions align their teacher and leadership education programs to equip teachers and school community members with the knowledge, skills and capabilities to implement SEL. State governments can also contribute by addressing social and cultural equity issues. District education and school leaders must also have the capability to cultivate a community of adults who engage in their own social and emotional learning and develop collaborative skills to promote SEL and serve as positive role models for their students. Promoting SEL for students: Education ministries need to provide frameworks for competence and measurement standards to support the high-quality implementation of evidence-based SEL programs and practices. They can also

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plan complementary programs to support parents and other community stakeholders. School leaders need to develop strategies to enhance students’ SEL across schools, classrooms, homes and communities. Reflecting on data for continuous improvement: District and state education leaders and policy-makers can set up mechanisms to collect data, monitor implementation outcomes and use the results to provide additional support where needed to enhance SEL in schools that need extra support. At the school level, school leaders also need to establish structures to collect and apply data so that they can check program outcomes and plan for improvement.

Currently, many education systems and schools in the USA, Canada, Australia, and Singapore follow the CASEL model, and have established system-wide and schoolwide organisational structures, policies and leadership preparations to support the systemic implementation of SEL. Approaches in implementation include: • integrating SEL skills into the academic curriculum in subjects such as Language Arts, social studies, science and maths, including incorporating SEL practice in classroom interactions through group and collaborative learning, with guidelines to support students in communicating with their classmates; • knowing how to solve problems in the learning process; and • designing free-standing lessons that address SEL competencies to help students develop emotional literacy, and specific skills and competency lessons to develop problem-solving, decision-making and conflict management skills (Hawkins et al., 2008; Jones et al., 2016; Rimm-Kaufman & Hulleman, 2015). However, there are calls for more research into further understanding and addressing the needs of indigenous students and students with additional support needs, students who are new migrants, students who are at risk and students who are gifted in these countries (Martin et al., 2017; Smith, 2017). In Asia, character education has always been a central part of the school curriculum. Current practice also incorporates components of the CASEL model to complement students’ classroom learning (Lee & Bong, 2017; Liem et al., 2017). Though not a lot of research has been done on how Asian countries fare in promoting SEL in their schools, from personal observation the author can attest that many school leaders and teachers are very innovative in their integration of SEL into their curriculum and extracurricular activities. Many young teachers and authors of education-tech programs are likewise innovative and creative in producing software and digital learning games to meet the needs and interests of Asian students that are also culturally relevant. There are still many schools in both Western and Eastern countries that are not supporting their teachers and students in developing SEL. Researchers interested in understanding what teachers need in order to implement SEL effectively in the curriculum have stressed the importance of supporting their development in creating a positive and supportive classroom and having the essential competence to address their own emotional challenges (Collie, 2017; Hazel, 2017).

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Guyn Cooper Research Associates (2013) have listed the barriers to doing this as: • • • • •

lack of awareness of SEL as an approach. fragmentation of practice. lack of SEL’s alignment with education ministry outcomes. competing views about evidence-based programs. lack of pre-service or professional development in SEL for teachers.

This book aims to heighten awareness of the importance of SEL among school policy-makers and education leaders so that they will do more to promote SEL in their schools.

16.4 Current EI Programs Used in Schools Worldwide In addition to school-based learning programs created by talented teachers and educational authors, there are some commercially-produced SEL programs that are used worldwide. This section presents a few of the more common ones. The ELSA Program The Emotional Literacy Support Assistants (ELSA) program was introduced by a British senior educational psychologist named Sheila Burton (2008). The program aims to support the emotional education and development of young children and teens by supporting teachers and teacher assistants to design learning resources for individualised support programs that are tailored to the needs of individual students with additional support needs. It provides training and support to help schoolchildren develop social skills, anger management capabilities, friendship skills and ability to deal with bereavement through the use of social stories, therapeutic stories and activities, and counselling/coaching sessions. The length of the program depends on the needs and progress of each student. It is now widely used in the UK and many other parts of the world. The RULER Approach This is a systemic approach offered by the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence of Yale University, USA. RULER is an acronym for: • • • • •

Recognising emotions in oneself and others. Understanding the causes and consequences of emotions. Labelling emotions with a nuanced vocabulary. Expressing emotions in accordance with cultural norms and social contexts. Regulating emotions with helpful strategies.

This is a comprehensive approach that involves the whole school community, as it is based in the idea that EI is the ‘immune system’ for a healthy school. Learning and development programs are designed to build the capabilities of school leaders at all levels, including classroom teachers, school-based mental health professionals,

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parents and other members of the school community. It also provides a range of resources to support school and community learning. The RULER approach holds that to enrich the EI of school children, the whole school community must raise its EI. Intervention strategies therefore include educating and providing skills training for school leaders, teachers and staff, including teaching and learning elements in the school curriculum, and including parent education to support optimal parenting. The program aims to enhance the emotional literacy skills of both adults and children in the school community, and to create a healthy emotional climate through the school in order to create improved academic performances and outcomes, more harmonious and supportive relationships, and a resilient and healthy school community. The RULER approach incorporates four ‘Anchor Tools for Emotional Intelligence’, which were designed using evidence-based research and aim to enrich and develop the EI of children and adults. They are: the Charter, the Mood Meter, the Meta-Moment and the Blueprint. The Charter is a collaborative document established by members of the school community. Through discussion and exploration of their aspirations for a healthy school climate, school leaders, teachers and other members of the school community design and establish a supportive and productive school environment. This shared vision is then translated into an actionable and measurable document that outlines how they want to feel at school, the behaviours they want to see and the negativity they want to eliminate. Based on this shared vision, a charter is established to set common goals and accountability for achieving them. The Mood Meter is a learning system that helps students from kindergarten level to adolescence identify and label their emotions. It helps children to replace ‘meaningless’ phrases like ‘I’m OK’ or ‘I’m upset’ to articulate how they really feel, e.g., by saying ‘I feel alienated’ or ‘I feel helpless because I can’t figure this out’. By understanding the different layers of moods and emotions, and the proper labelling of these feelings, students learn to understand their emotions and become more self-aware of how these emotions affect them. When they can better express their emotional challenges with clarity and specific word choices, they can also seek help from adults without them second-guessing what the students need. The Mood Meter therefore empowers both teachers and students to recognise the full scope of their emotions and learn how to address them effectively. The Meta-Moment is a strategy that helps both adults and students to handle strong emotions by taking a step back and thinking, ‘What went wrong? How can I do better? What actions can I take to reflect my “best self”?’ It helps individuals replace ineffective responses with more productive ones when faced with challenges. By helping students with this practice, teachers learn to do the same, enabling them to make better choices, build helpful relationships and experience enhanced wellbeing. The Blueprint helps educators, parents and students manage conflict more effectively. Using the Blueprint resources, both adults and students learn how to consider a disagreement from the other person’s perspective as well as from their

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own. They then work collaboratively to find a solution that will ease or end the conflict. This strategy helps learners to develop empathy and empowers them to repair relationships in an emotionally intelligent way. It also helps to restore the class climate after a conflict, and create a more optimistic learning environment. RULER is currently one of the most popular approaches to teaching SEL in schools worldwide. It has been translated into Spanish, Chinese and other languages. Brackett et al. (2012) conducted a study on the effectiveness of RULER in schools and found that it is useful in helping teachers and educational professionals to develop and strengthen their EI and EI competencies, and enables them to better handle stress. Researchers who have studied the effectiveness of RULER have found a 10% increase in students’ academic performance and a 12% improvement in classroom climate, all after just one year of implementing RULER. They also found shifts in school climate in some schools that have resulted in more positive youth development. Specific student outcomes included: increased development of EI skills; stronger social and leadership skills; increased confidence in solving relational problems; and higher academic engagement leading to improved academic achievement. Among adults, school leaders and teachers showed more positive relationships, experienced lower levels of stress and burnout, became healthier both physically and mentally, and enhanced their instructional practices (Bavarian et al., 2013; Brackett et al., 2012).

16.4.1 Digital Games for SEL Digital games that teach SEL are gaining popularity among schoolchildren. Research has substantiated the value of digital games in teaching SEL, arguing that these games can increase students’ motivation, enable their knowledge assimilation, encourage analysis and thinking, and provide rich simulations of reality which expose students to different social rules and norms and help them develop intrapersonal and interpersonal emotional literacies. They allow students to ‘walk in someone’s else’s shoes’ and experience challenges and difficulties that they may not encounter in real life. They also help students develop empathy and problem-solving skills and practice making moral judgements (Garris et al., 2002; Hromek & Roffee, 2009; Prensky, 2007). Below are a few examples of the more popular digital games used in schools. The Second Step Elementary Digital Program The Second Step Elementary Digital Program (2021) is a large-scale program that provides schools with a well-planned SEL program that includes teachers’ guides and lesson plans. There are five units in each theme, with each comprising a 15–30 minute teacher-student interaction followed by digital game activities. For example, in the ‘Emotional Management’ unit, students learn to explore and identify their own and other’s emotions, expand their emotional vocabulary and learn to understand different perspectives and respond to different situations. In the ‘Empathy and Kindness’ unit, students learn through digital games to recognise

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kindness and act kindly towards others, and to understand what empathy means and how to apply it in their lives. Peekapak This is a literacy-based program that uses narrative in children’s stories to help young children to build foundational SEL skills such as empathy, self-regulation and emotional management. By helping digital animal characters overcome challenges, children develop empathy and compassion for others, and learn how to problem-solve, make choices and overcome hardship independently. Happy 8–12 video game This game presents students aged 8–12 with different playground and classroom scenarios in which they must learn to think, evaluate the situation and choose what action to take. It aims to build skills in attention deployment, cognitive evaluation and decision-making. Faiella and Ricciardi (2015) conducted an evaluation of its effectiveness for 574 students. Based on the results of a pre-test and post-test questionnaire, they noted a marked improvement in the students’ understanding of emotional management skills. A reduction in playground conflict was also noted as a result of this program intervention. Spock video game This program, targeted at high school students, comprises four elements of EI— perception of emotions, emotions to facilitate thoughts, understanding emotions and emotional regulation. Spock is a fictional character in the Star Trek TV and movie TV series. As the Commanding Officer, he has to make hard decisions to ensure the safety of his crew. The video game presents students with hypothetical situations to help them understand both intrapersonal and interpersonal qualities. Students need to choose alternatives offered by the program and think about their decisions and consequences. Cejudo et al, (2019) conducted an investigation to find out how this program benefited young people aged 17–19. The results showed that the Spock video had a positive effective on the 92 adolescent participants’ choices of behaviour. It improved the trait EI and psychosocial adjustments of the participants, especially boys. The researchers concluded that the game was an effective educational tool for schools to use in their SEL programs. A recent report by Liverpool et al. (2020) has explored different digital interventions used by mental health professionals and agencies to help young people face mental health challenges and develop skills to resolve issues causing them stress and anxiety. The key focus of this study was on how current interventions using digital learning and activities are carried out, the level of engagement they can generate, and how effective they are. They found that many of these web-based digital treatment programs are comparable to face-to-face psychotherapy in effectively treating and reducing mental health issues such as anxiety, depression and substance abuse among adolescents. Most digital intervention programs are presented in different modes and offer the following learning components and practical strategies to help young people change their mindsets and thinking patterns and improve their behaviour: • cognitive behavioural therapy. • cognitive skills training mechanisms.

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• applied behaviour analysis concepts. • social skills training. • social support. Most of these programs also included elements of information dissemination, peerto-peer communication, skills development, text message reminders, and multimedia learning materials such as text, photos, audio and videos that can be easily downloaded. Delivery modes include: • • • • •

website interventions. games and computer-assisted learning activities. virtual reality experiences. special learning apps for mobile devices. robots and digital devices.

The young people involved in the study told the researchers that they were more likely to use the intervention if it was facilitated by real people such as a psychologist or therapist, and includes peers with whom they could share similar experiences through text messages. Trust was a major concern for many of these young people, and so they preferred to engage with programs presented by professionals that they knew, or by well-known organisations. Many preferred not to have to disclose their personal details, as they found it easier to tell strangers about their problems without being known, to avoid embarrassment and discomfort. Liverpool et al. (2020) contend that digital intervention is a sound strategy for helping young people to conquer their mental health challenges because it gives them a sense of agency and control. However, structures must be put in place to ensure that these programs cater to the needs of the users by providing needed support in a progressive way. This will motivate the students to continue so that they will not give up half-way through the intervention processes, and their effort will not be wasted. Teachers and parents should be made aware of such programs, and enlist the advice of school psychologists and social workers to help young people access such digital interventions. In the last decade, increased focus has been placed on embedding EI into the school curriculum. Studies have found numerous benefits from schools that take a school-wide approach to doing this. The benefits have included greater student engagement in academic work, a higher tolerance for stress both in students and teachers, increased EI, self-confidence and self-efficacy in both teachers and students, and student development of a range of social and interpersonal skills (Castillo et al., 2013; Chang, 2013; Durlak et al., 2011; Nathanson et al., 2016; Reyes et al., 2012; Yin et al., 2013). Education forms the foundation of any society. Schools play an important role in shaping a nation’s future by nurturing and facilitating the all-round development of their students. EI can steer us towards a path to a happy and fulfilled life. And as our world gets more complex and demanding, we need these skills and competencies more than ever before.

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16.5 Practical Teaching Strategies Teachers around the world are beginning to realise the importance of EI in education. For years, many teachers have been using different class-based and teacher-designed activities to help children to develop moral understanding, friendliness, cooperation and other essential character strengths, but in addition to a systemic approach such as the RULER approach discussed in Sect. 16.4, there are other strategies that can also be helpful in developing students’ emotional intelligence (intrapersonal) and social-emotional intelligence (interpersonal and social). Some of the core skills (Brackett et al., 2012; Durlak et al., 2015;) required to strengthen students’ EI or SEI include: Reflective thinking: This enables us to understand why we do what we do and how doing it affects us (positively or negatively). It involves exploring our emotions and reactions, and our knowledge of what drives our reactions and behaviours. Reflective thinking helps us to identify causes and effects, actions and consequences. In learning, reflective thinking is a higher-order form of thinking. Through reflective learning, we can relate new knowledge to prior understandings, move from the concrete to the abstract, and understand how to apply new knowledge to help us in our thinking, study and work performance. Metacognition: This is the ability to understand and examine how we process our thoughts and feelings. Having metacognition skills helps us to identify our own learning needs and styles and to understand how we gather and organise information in our heads, plan to do a task, view and evaluate success, monitor mistakes and develop strategies to adjust, change and improve. Metacognition skills can increase our self-awareness. Empathy: This is the ability to appreciate how the world looks from other people’s perspective, and to understand and share their feelings. It includes the ability to share our feelings with others in appropriate ways, show interest in others, acknowledge their feelings and offer support, and be encouraging and comforting when they are suffering. It also includes the ability to show gratitude to others who are kind and supportive. To increase our empathy, we need to be imaginative, accepting and open-minded. Creativity: This is the ability to generate new ideas and recognise alternatives and new ways to solve a problem or create something new. It involves drawing knowledge and ideas from our memories and looking at them from different angles to find new understandings or inspirations. It also involves communicating well with others to gain different perspectives so that we can increase our knowledge and learn new thinking patterns. Creativity opens our minds and helps us to overcome our prejudices and biases. It can help us to deal with uncertainty and cope with the unknown. A few years ago, I heard a very sad joke. It begins: Early one morning a mother went to her sleeping son and woke him up.

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Mother:

“Wake up, son. It’s time to go to school.”

Son:

“But why, Mama? I don’t want to go to school.”

Mother:

“Give me two reasons why you don’t want to go to school.”

Son:

“The children hate me and all the teachers hate me.”

Mother:

“But you must go to school. You are the school principal!”

As a special needs teacher, I had the privilege of visiting many different schools in Sydney, Australia. Most of these schools, especially primary schools, were welcoming and had a happy atmosphere. The children loved school and did not wish to miss a school day even when they were sick. Skillful teachers know how to create a fun-filled, stress-free, cooperative learning environment. They set clear rules and behavioural expectations at the beginning of the school term which are visible in the classrooms. Smart teachers are creative and have novel ideas to make these rules look appealing instead of threatening; they empower their students to set their own class rules and ask them to present these rules on posters to give them ownership. Students are rewarded for good behaviour rather than being punished for unacceptable behaviour. Children with behaviour challenges are dealt with privately after class to protect their self-esteem. And children who need extra behaviour support are given one-on-one attention, so that they will respond in a positive manner and make an effort to do the right thing in class. Teachers who show zest for their work and a friendly demeanour are admired by their students. Their enthusiasm is contagious, and their cheerfulness inspires children to learn. Of course, no one is happy all the time, but when teachers are aware of their emotional state, they are able to promote an active learning environment by empowering their students to lead learning activities too. Emotionally intelligent teachers are also resourceful. They know how to enlist help from other school community members. They may invite parents and other professionals to help with classroom learning, such as leading literacy or numeracy groups, art and music activities or outdoor learning that increases the general knowledge of the community and the development of responsible citizens. Some of the more common strategies that can help to develop and boost students’ EI include: Conversation circles: Many teachers use this strategy to help students discuss emotional matters, relationships and friendships, and current affairs in order to stimulate thinking, enable students to see different perspectives, improve attention and listening skills, become open-minded and non-judgmental, and contribute ideas to solve problems. It is also a very helpful way for students with non-English speaking backgrounds to improve their language skills. However, teachers have to be skillful in setting rules and forming groups to enhance cooperation and meet the diverse needs of different student groups. Class meetings: These can be run by student leaders in the class, and can teach them skills including preparing an agenda to define a meeting’s goals and purposes. Class meetings can enhance an environment of trust and respect and promote a stronger sense of belonging. To create an emotionally intelligent class,

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however, teachers need to make sure that students are inclusive and that no one is made to feel left out or not valued. Holding well-run class meetings can lay a strong foundation for student collaboration and strengthen students’ sense of democracy and consensus. Storytelling: This is not only an effective way to increase students’ receptive and expressive language skills, but also a way to help them understand emotions through the characters of the story and the circumstances they are in. It gives them the opportunity to see from another person’s experience, whether fictional or real, and that can shape, strengthen or challenge their opinions and values. Through listening to each other’s stories, students also build trust and create deeper connections with their classmates. It is an effective way to unite emotions with intention and meaning. Journal writing: This is a powerful tool to help individuals reflect on their feelings and understand their emotional responses to situations. Putting thoughts into words is a good way to gain clarity about a problem or an anticipation. Journal writing is also a private way to vent one’s unexpressed emotions, which is good for mental health. Reading over what we have written afterwards can also give us insights into how we respond to challenges and difficulties when we are emotional, and how our thoughts can change over time. Encouraging students to write journals will increase their writing and language skills. Literature and poetry: Novels, short stories and poetry are filled with emotions. Literature offers a gateway to SEL in the classroom. Through reading about the ecstatic joy, hair-raising horror, tormenting pain, distressing anguish, and heartwrenching struggles of the characters in a story, students can gain insight into human behaviours that they may never experience in their own lives. They can learn to compare the characteristics and personality traits of different characters, think about the actions and reactions of the characters and reflect on how they might behave if they were placed in such circumstances. Some poetry and writing presents vivid descriptions of body language to convey deep feelings, and this can also help students learn about how emotion is conveyed. EI through art: Art and craft can be a wonderful therapeutic experience for students, especially for younger children who do not yet have enough language skills to express themselves. Consciously or unconsciously, people use different colours to express emotions. However, teachers must be mindful not to focus on the ‘beauty’ of an artwork, but instead look at how and why the art piece is presented in the way the student has chosen. Every piece of art has meaning to the artist, and it is the teacher’s job to explore it and understand what it means to the child. Craft work such as kneading dough can also be an outlet for anger or excessive energy. EI through music: Music evokes all kinds of emotions. Upbeat music can lift our mood and make us want to dance. Certain songs or melodies embedded in our memories can evoke pleasant or painful experiences from the past. The power of music has been studied for decades; in the 1990s, schools across the world were influenced by the ‘Mozart effect’ and played soft music in the background during lessons to enhance learning. Music as therapy has also helped patients who suffer

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from anxiety to calm down and relax. Rap music is a way for new generations of young people to share their resentments and voice their anger. Music can also aid learning by putting rhymes to melodies help children to memorise poetry, timelines in history, maths formulas or even the periodic table of elements. And when students learn to play music as a group, they learn to listen to each other, wait their turn, play in harmony and understand the importance of unison. EI through dancing and movement: Many schools and educators have realised the social and emotional benefits dance offers. While many students enjoy hiphop dancing and other free-form creative dancing styles, ballroom dancing is also making its way into school learning. Researchers suggest that it can promote teamwork, respect for others and social etiquette. Cooper (2010) claims that when teachers and parents combine books and stories with music and movement, it increases cognitive and language skills and language acquisition because children can express their thoughts and feelings through movement. The literature also illustrates that dancing can boost social-emotional skills, promote creative expression and enhance not only verbal but also non-verbal communication between dance partners. It also promotes self-regulation in the form of ignoring distractions and resisting impulses in order to follow the rhythm of the music. It builds selfconfidence in children, especially when they are encouraged to perform in front of an audience, and is a good way to showcase the strengths of some students who do not often receive recognition through academic achievement. Dance education can also help students appreciate other cultures, arts and celebrations. Social media and TV: Social media has become a very intimate part of our lives, especially for young people. While there are many positive aspects of using social media for communication and connecting with friends, there are also numerous negative ones. Researchers have shown that prolonged use of social media platforms such as Facebook and Instagram is related to symptoms of depression, anxiety and stress, and can affect young people’s self-image and self-identity development, giving them distorted views of what is ‘cool’ and what is ‘appalling’ (Barryman et al., 2018; O’Reilly, 2020; O’Reilly et al., 2018). Likewise, many reality shows on television can have a bad influence on young people. Perritano (2021) comments that ‘reality television is the lowest form of entertainment, an insult to our collective intelligence. Many of these shows glorify abuse, elevate shallow personalities and promote dysfunctional relationships’. Even cookery shows, from which viewers can learn useful cooking techniques and scrumptious recipes, have a competition format that ruins the viewers’ enjoyment by encouraging negative behaviour and spiteful comments from the competitors to ‘spice up the content’. Likewise, instead of promoting cooperation, shows about building and renovating houses focus on contestants using scornful and contemptuous language to discuss each other and promote negative behaviour based in jealousy and feelings of insecurity. Additionally, romance-focused shows promote promiscuity and discriminatory judgement of others who fail to meet the superficial ideals of the show’s protagonist (Cassidy, 2006; Taylor, 2011). Children and young people therefore need guidance from teachers and parents to help them understand what ‘reality’ actually is and how they can be a wise viewer.

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Teachers are creative and versatile. When they work together with their colleagues and other members of the school community, they can come up with omnifarious ideas for implementing SEL at schools. Asking for input from students will also spark innovative initiatives grounded in these young people’s perspectives, needs and interests.

16.6 Conclusion Our children are our future. Their personal qualities and characters will determine the choices and decisions they make to shape the society they live in. As parents, teachers and educators, it is our obligation and responsibility to nurture them as best we possibly can. We need to tap into their personal talents and interests in order to develop their potential so that they can lead happy, fulfilling lives and ideally, be contributing global citizens. As we progress into an advanced and fast-changing era, schools and education leaders have come to realise the importance of a whole-child development approach to education. This comprehensive approach supports and nurtures students’ development and learning, from cognitive skills including literacy, numeracy, science understanding and technology innovations to a focus on developing their social-emotional growth and mental health. This has become an integral part of education. Good mental health is also vital to our overall wellbeing. By helping children develop emotional intelligence from early childhood, we can prepare them to make good life choices throughout each stage of development. To do this, parents, teachers and school leaders must develop a broader and deeper knowledge of the different development demands and needs children have as they transition from one life-stage to another. They must understand how family relationships impact a child’s emotional growth, how sibling relationships can support or hamper their socio-psychological growth at different stages of their lives, how they make friends and develop interpersonal skills, and what challenges they may experience leading emotional stress. As adults, we need to have sufficient EI competence ourselves to facilitate the EI growth of our children. As parents and professionals, we also are faced with different challenges in our own work lives. Some of us may experience work-life balance issues, which in turn will hamper our marital and family relationships if we do not handle them properly. When we have the opportunity to develop our EI and lift our EI competence, we will know how to seek support to overcome these challenges, so that we can be healthy and positive role models for our children. Mental health issues are complex. We need a holistic approach to address these problems. When we have the skills and understanding to work collaboratively as a school community, we can harness this energy and positivity to achieve more. We can support those who struggle in poverty and help parents overcome their challenges by establishing supportive networks. We can also form a collective voice to urge

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governments and politicians to do more to ease current social problems. We can volunteer to help others, even if it is just one person at a time. Be more! Do more!

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