Transforming Retirement: Rewire and Grow Your Legacy 9781476692685, 9781476650012, 1476692688

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Transforming Retirement

Transforming Retirement Rewire and Grow Your Legacy Janis Clark Johnston

Jefferson, North Carolina

ISBN (print) 978-1-4766-9268-5 ISBN (ebook) 978-1-4766-5001-2 Library of Congress and British Library cataloguing data are available

Library of Congress Control Number 2023013559 © 2023 Janis Clark Johnston. All rights reserved No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying or recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publisher. Front cover images © 2023 Shutterstock Printed in the United States of America Toplight is an imprint of McFarland & Company, Inc., Publishers

Box 611, Jefferson, North Carolina 28640 www.toplightbooks.com

For bystanders, Boomers and beyonders who graciously filled out Johnston Retirement Surveys and for the memory of Lois Treasure Whitacre Clark, a mom for all seasons, who held onto passion for possibilities for 99 years

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Table of Contents Acknowledgment of Gratitudeix Preface1 Introduction: Possibilities to Make Your Encore Years Bloom5 Part I. Loving Possibilities17   1.  Passion for Oneself 18   2.  Compassion for Others 40   3.  Be a Tender Befriender60 Part II. Activity Possibilities79   4.  Purposeful Vocations 80   5.  Purposeful Volunteering 101   6.  Be a Curator of Health’s Wealth 120 Part III. Narrative Possibilities141   7.  Sharing Life-Affirming Stories 142   8.  Sharing Death-Affirming Stories 162   9.  Be Aware (and Beware) of ­Self-Meanings 182 10.  Last Dance

Summary: Encore Chapter

201 202

Appendix I. Johnston Retirement Survey221 Appendix II. Johnston Pandemic Survey222 Chapter Notes223 References241 Index251 vii

Acknowledgment of Gratitude Martin Buber wisely acknowledged: “None of us are able to make contributions without the help of others, and none of us discover new ideas all on our own.” This book is a compilation of my ­hunter-gatherer curiosities. I am a lover of learning who picked up threads from many disciplines to weave a tapestry of understanding of midlife and beyond. The theories of Carl Jung are among the early stitching in my appreciation of complex patterns of human nature. My “calling” as a family psychologist developed when I became a student of Salvador Minuchin’s iconic family therapy where everyone’s personal story of their family was equally valid—from kids to grandparents. I found Minuchin’s quirky interconnection and compassion with each person in the family as a guidepost for all future work. Likely this connection was so powerful for me because I “found” Minuchin when I was a ­fi rst-time parent. I began to take an interest in my extended family legacy stories in new ways. I owe a huge thank you to Dick Schwartz, founder of Internal Family Systems (IFS) psychotherapy and life practice. Already a ­systems-thinker from Minuchin’s influence, the easy wording that each of us has an insider “family” of our personality “parts” made intuitive sense to me. I integrated IFS into my family therapy private practice and developed new ways of teaching children about their personalities. My child clients were powerful teachers for their families in seeking behavior changes. Adults ask children to make changes every day without realizing that they themselves need a few changes! Later, I included Francine Shapiro’s Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) therapy in weaving together best practices for ­post-trauma behavior change. I am appreciative of the Chicago EMDR network for continuing collaboration in sharing what works best for skillful behavior. Happily, I found other psychotherapists who combine both IFS and EMDR in helping clients with their transitioning ­post-traumatic growth. ix

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Acknowledgment of Gratitude

I am enormously grateful to the 125 individuals who poured both their hopes and fears onto paper in my Johnston Retirement Survey. Their candid responses helped to shape the focus of this work. At the age of 98, my biggest supporter was my lovely Mom, Lois Treasure Whitacre Clark, who read and commented on sections of the manuscript, although her best contributions came decades before in her modeling of how to see beyond daily snafus. Her ancestral values for servant leadership (before the term existed) and her compassion for the inclusiveness of everyone in Mother Earth’s family are sustaining guides for me today. Immeasurable thanks go to my precious children, Ryan Clark Johnston and Megan Gale Johnston, for the multiple and ongoing ways in which they raise my ­d aily-living skills. My beloved late husband, Mark Emmett Johnston, was transitioning from his entrepreneurial businesses when he died suddenly. He was rewiring in incredible ways after his successful career. Both of us planned on writing books at the time of his death. Mark wanted to critique big business and even imagined a book title: Chains of America. He had begun to implement creative volunteer efforts for mentoring both young ­i nner-city youth and college students to become entrepreneurs. His enthusiastic generativity as a volunteer is part of my weaving of this project. Melanie Weller challenged my rewiring along the writing journey with incisive critiques of manuscript chapters. I cannot thank her enough! Natalie Goldberg’s writing classes provided a useful link between the practice of writing and the practice of meditation. Her instruction to both hear and heed the writer’s “wild mind” was a creativity boost. There are many writers, poets and researchers who stimulated my thinking about retirement, the last developmental stage of life. I am grateful for my opportunities to hear firsthand the Anam Cara (Gaelic for Soul Friend) philosophy of John O’Donohue and the “personality lift” thinking of Thomas Moore. I rewired each time I heard them speak in person and later read their many books. Also, gratitude goes to Susan Adler, Paul Beckwith, Kathy Clark, Jay Cohen, Mark Friedberger, Marnie Gielow, Joan Suchomel, Mary Rose Lambe, Shirley Lundin, Gayle Pearson, Jay Peterson, Sandra Sokol, Stephen Vogel and Dan Wade for a variety of encouragements for this project. A special thanks goes to Lisa Camp, Mark Durr, Heather Judson, Susan Kilby, Sophia Lyons, Dré Person, Sonya Tedder, and the entire team at McFarland. Book pages become a reality in the many competent hands of a publishing company. To the countless friends who shared stories of their parents’ retirement transitions, including many who continue to watch a beloved relative slip further into dementia each day, I am deeply grateful. The compassion and caring of these dedicated encore adults, whose fragile parents sometimes no longer recognize them, is inspiring. I am impressed by so many individuals who wrestle with ­end-of-life angst with love.



Acknowledgment of Gratitudexi

My extended community is a wellspring of wonderful people. From my Mindful Reflection meditation group, many church groups, writer groups, and book groups offering valuable relationships, to Toastmaster’s where compassionate feedback is a given, I am grateful for the company of others who pursue a growth mindset. Collaboration for Early Childhood ­program-planning and teaching opportunities keep me young at heart. My Mahjong group keeps me laughing! Exercise buddies provide good company for bodymind workouts. A heap of thanks goes to my Master Gardener companions who make plant education exciting for the public every day. Writers weave words best when they take breaks for healthy diversions. I am privileged to mingle with diverse and ­warm-hearted folks who are rewiring their life stories *  *  * What an astonishing thing a book is. It’s a flat object made from a tree with flexible parts on which are imprinted lots of funny dark squiggles. But one glance at it and you’re inside the mind of another person, maybe somebody dead for thousands of years. Across the millennia, an author is speaking clearly and silently inside your head, directly to you. Writing is perhaps the greatest of human inventions, binding together people who never knew each other, citizens of distant epochs. Books break the shackles of time. A book is proof that humans are capable of working magic. —Carl Sagan, astrophysicist, Cosmos, Part 11: The Persistence of Memory

Preface We do not need magic to change the world, we carry all the power we need inside ourselves already: we have the power to imagine better. —J.K. Rowling, British author

We feel uncertain about transitions at every stage of life. Transitions for kids include the first day of kindergarten, family moves due to divorce, the first day at middle school or high school, and moving away from home for college or work. One of my family therapy clients in my psychology private practice was petrified to begin high school because she heard a story about students throwing pennies down the stairwells at incoming freshmen on their first day of school. My ­14-year-old client was scared about falling down the stairs if too many pennies rained upon her. In retirement we also are concerned with falling and pennies. We know people who fell and hurt themselves or died. We fear we may not have enough pennies coming our way to last throughout an unknown number of years of retirement. Unknowns in life keep us up at night with ­w hat-if imaginations. Retire/rewire years make up our last challenging developmental stage, but they have the possibility of becoming our greatest life plots. Are you in midlife, a “bystander” planning a future retirement, or are you retired, semiretired, or envisioning ­never-retirement? Wherever you fall on a retirement continuum, can you imagine your retire/ rewire years with passion? Whether you answer yes, no, or maybe, keep reading. I did not know how to retire, so I researched the topic to find the latest thinking. What I discovered in reading others’ books on retirement proved instructive. The past American standby of hard work and continuous employment may not line up that way anymore. Many retirement books focus primarily on saving enough money for an unknown amount of time. Money is an important topic. Time feels slippery with a scarcity factor. There are unknown health factors ahead, with death as everyone’s 1

2 Preface endgame. Few books had as much focus on the ­d-word as on dying memory—for money issues, car keys, and more. However, there is much more to the topic of one’s ­s o-called golden years than monetary gold, golden memories and/or tarnished memories. There are many kinds of wealth and health. Transforming Retirement focuses on retirement years as a rich time of psychological growth. What might you do to make your life bloom with passion for meeting your basic needs with action plans? What legacy story will you tell? A saying on an art piece prompted me to use the term seasoned citizen instead of senior citizen: “I’m no longer a spring chicken but a seasoned hen.” We can call ourselves seasoned after living for 55+ years. I learned most about the seasons of retirement through asking everyday people in their retire/rewire years about their experiences. I gave my ­one-page (pre–COVID) Johnston Retirement Survey to 125 seasoned citizens (ages 55–96) to find out what makes retirement plots positive versus negative. Following up on participants who gave me their (optional) email addresses, I collected post–COVID responses from 40 individuals to view how the pandemic had affected their lives. My survey reporting is not about percentages; instead, I studied individual beliefs about meaning and time expenditure. I discovered diverse perspectives—from those who found difficulty filling their time to others who loved having “free” time. “What is it that you do with your time?” ­Lin-Manuel Miranda told his interviewer, Willie Geist, that his synopsis of his Broadway hit, Hamilton, revolved around this question. Transforming Retirement covers this topic with many possible answers. Participants’ aspirations for present time and imagined future time are shared throughout pertinent chapters. Anticipation of retiring is one thing. What do seasoned citizens do in their actual retirement? Here is how one newly semiretired individual answered my first question: What does retirement mean to you? 61, female (works 12 hours/week; volunteers 10 hours/week): “We need a new name [for retirement] … INSPIREMENT! I am full of energy without the weight of my prior responsibilities!”

Leaving a longtime career, this spunky seasoned citizen blossomed in ­ art-time work and ­part-time volunteering with her future plan “to crep ate new means to share wisdom.” She grasped new possibilities to change the usage of her expertise. If midlife (ages 35–64) is the summer season of your life, your blossom time, what do we call the years that follow? I suggest bloom or bust! As a gardener, I have many plants that have autumn as bloom time. Also, autumn is the time to plan and plant bulbs for spring. Autumn years are when many write memoirs and think of their legacy. Perhaps you are in the large Baby Boomer generation (born 1946–1964) or



Preface3

beyond. I am a Boomer, beyonder (65+) and a bloomer gal. And I am not just referring to my avid love of gardening. Growing older and continuing to “bloom” is both a genetic gift and a growth mindset that we cultivate, but these factors do not exist for everyone. I feel grateful to have good bodymind health. My ­99-year-old mother was both an incredible ­gene-giver and a role model for continuing bloom time in retirement years. However, during the 11 years that my parents resided in retirement assisted living together—due to my father’s Parkinsonian dementia—I received an extended internship in gerontology with an opportunity to know many seasoned citizens who were compromised in cognitive and/or physical decline. As my lovely mother also slipped into decline in her late 90s, I again learned how painful it is to add dementia to family legacy stories. A participant in a retirement workshop I delivered told her story about the different ways in which her parents retired—her father experienced much suffering with physical illness, while her mother became an even stronger, healthier version of herself. While one parent’s slow demise entails anxious thoughts for this woman, she also feels empowered when she experiences her mother’s resilience. This honest acceptance of opposite parts of her personality—both anxiety and resilience—captures the essence of all personalities. We are a mixture of both/and opposites. Challenging times exist in retirement, but “inspirement” relationships also exist. Transforming Retirement covers the ages of 55+, delving into a plethora of beliefs about retiring and the possibilities for rewiring your personality and skill set. Psychologist Laura Carstensen, founding director of the Stanford Center on Longevity, declares that there are only three kinds of books on aging—those that focus on the dire economic picture as Boomers reach retirement, those that espouse retirement as a time of wisdom, and those trying to convince you that with the right diet/exercise habits you do not have to grow old. Instead, Carstensen recommends asking this question, considering that you may experience 30 years of living ­post-retirement: “What are we going to do with supersized lives?”1 Transforming Retirement offers a refreshing look at supersizing retirement. *  *  *

Introduction: Possibilities to Make Your Encore Years Bloom The blessing of the present is that it brings us to understand the fleetingness of time—to live with the spirit in full bloom. —Joan Chittister, Benedictine nun, The Gift of Years: Growing Older Gracefully Estranged from the music of our own lives, we endure our ordinary days with existential anxiety. We worry about the past and anticipate the future, all the while overlooking the season of the moment. —Thomas Moore, spiritual writer, Original Self

What is your story about your retire/rewire years? Few in Generation Z (born 1997–2010) are reading this book, although you will leave a legacy about your retirement years for younger generations that may help a Zoomer understand their Boomer grandparents better. Did your parents and grandparents have a chance to retire? If so, how did their stories turn out? What memories root in your circling thoughts? All of us attach stories to certain memories, thoughts, emotions, and body sensations. Bodily sensations or “body stories” are incorporated into verbal storytelling for each of us.1 We condense family stories in our own particular words and sensations as we typecast our life stories with a certain bent. Are you working through a legacy of comedy, tragedy, or a mixture of both? Most of us encounter both comic and tragic territory. Yet we often are unaware of the roots of our stories. This book addresses retirement roots as fertile soil for growth. Did you receive legacy burdens2 or legacy blessings from your ancestors? Family backstories are important. Are you intrigued by the story plots rooted in your ancestors’ legacy stories? You may answer, “Yes, but 5

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Introduction: Possibilities to Make Your Encore Years Bloom

how can I know these intergenerational influences?” Plan a psychological pollination process by visiting and/or gathering relatives’ stories that fertilized their upbringing. Ask about ethnic traditions. When did your ancestors come to America? Why did they come? Did they come willingly? Read about the historical immigration journeys of their time. The legacy stories of what we do with our time leave messages for following generations. Consider the story plots you will leave for your loved ones. We all tell stories about our daily lives, but in retirement years we also harvest our bounty of stories. Today is the day to germinate the next ­l ife-garden legacy plot. British journalist Christopher Booker worked on his epic book on “story” for 34 years and lists seven basic plots in novel and movie stories: Overcoming the Monster (and Escaping Death), Rags to Riches, the Quest, Voyage and Return, Comedy, Tragedy, and Finding a Personal Sense of Rebirth.3 Plot types grow to 20 in the view of Ronald Tobias, writer/producer of TV documentaries: Quest, Adventure, Pursuit, Rescue, Escape, Revenge, the Riddle, Rivalry, Underdog, Temptation, Metamorphosis, Transformation, Maturation, Love, Forbidden Love, Sacrifice, Discovery, Wretched Excess, Ascension, and Descension.4 How many family plots can you identity in your life so far? What plots will you produce next? COVID has pollinated a Sacrifice plot for many unsuspecting individuals. Despite the recent “gray wave” of older adults delaying retirement, nearly three million workers (ages 55–70) left the labor force in March– August 2020. A report from the Schwartz Center for Economic Policy Analysis at the New School for Social Research suggests that among older workers, women and workers of color were affected most by pandemic lockdowns. While retirement is a tender time, no one anticipated how a worldwide pandemic would upset so many individuals in their final years. It can take older workers nearly twice as long as younger workers to find a new job. Any new paychecks may offer less than previous wages. If the pandemic economic dilemma pushes millions of individuals into midlife retirement before they have plans in place, it could turn into a monetary Tragedy plot. Ten thousand Baby Boomers turn 65 every day in the U.S.5

Roots of ­Midlife-and-Beyond Rewiring People retire in very different ways. As sociologist Phyllis Moen observes, the U.S. does not have a coherent plan for addressing a growing retiree population who expect to work ­part-time, ­part-year, or as a volunteer: “retirement is no longer an ‘event,’ but a project.”6 Work is only one possibility. I view retirement as a psychological project with unknown



Introduction: Possibilities to Make Your Encore Years Bloom7

structures or time parameters. The retirement initiation rites of the past are disappearing; few retiring individuals receive a gold watch or monetary gold. In fact, many retirees are left dangling with “why me” questions when companies downsize in corporate restructuring that eliminates their positions. Some have lavish retirement parties thrown by their companies; others quietly close the door on a work life with no rituals to mark the occasion. It was only a century ago that life expectancy was about 50 years. People worked. Then they died. Today, some retire in midlife. Others keep working as long as possible. Let’s define who we are talking about: •  Midlife’s ages are 35–64, as defined in the longitudinal MIDUS (Midlife in the U.S.) research of 7000 individuals.7 •  Beyonders cover ages 65+. When Germany set the retirement age at 70 and later changed it to 65 in 1916, few were expected to live beyond 65. The U.S. Social Security system8 also proposed age 65 as ­retirement-coming-of-age in 1935. “Beyonder” is my ­made-up word for those 65+ who gather life wisdom to see beyond surface issues. “Yond” (from Old English) means “distant or farther.” When you look in the distance you can see farther, allowing for a greater perspective. ­Midlife-and-beyond abilities in using skills, experience, and general knowledge—crystalized intelligence—can improve one’s perspective with age.9 The oldest Boomers are in their 70s; they are decades into building their personality ­storyhouse10 of legacy story plots. Typically, beyonders are viewed as possessing limited possibilities. They are referred to as aged, old farts, elders, geezers, gaffers, codgers, women of a certain age, sexagenarians (60–69), septuagenarians (70–79), octogenarians (80–89), nonagenarians (90–99), centenarians (100–109), supercentenarians (110 or older), old fogeys, ­golden-agers, “catching their second wind,” silent generation (born 1928–1945), 11 and senior citizens. It is a myth that everyone in this large group of seniors is “over the hill.” In one poll of individuals over age 60, over 50 percent were uncomfortable with the term senior, finding “Baby Boomer” more palatable. Many just wanted to be called by their own name! Also, participants did not like the term “nursing home,” preferring the label of “retirement community.”12 Many in the 55+ age range are trendsetters. I prefer my labels of “seasoned” citizens and “beyonders.” And I like others’ concept of “encore” adults.13 I use these positive descriptions interchangeably. •  Seasoned citizen is my term for individuals who not only have experienced many seasons of life, but perhaps enjoy a little

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Introduction: Possibilities to Make Your Encore Years Bloom seasoning to the life (and food) they create. People in retire/rewire years have experienced many seasonings in their lifetime—some seasons and seasonings were too hot while some were too bland. The wisdom of their seasoned life is valuable knowledge. •  Encore (from French) means “still, again; extra or additional performance.” A typical usage describes an audience clapping at the end of a concert to request more music.

The words we use for aging are telling. Think about your personal definition of the word “retire.” Perhaps you retired years ago. Or perhaps you are a bystander or an apprentice in your encore stage of life. Consider meanings for some common words. Bear with me. I studied Latin in high school and the root meanings of words intrigue me. •  “Retire” (from French verb retirer) means “to go into seclusion.” •  “Re” (from Latin) means “again, back, anew.” •  “Tire” (from Old English teorian) means “fail, come to an end, physically exhausted.” Who wants their encore years hitting the off switch early due to seclusion or physical exhaustion? Yes, the retire/rewire season records physical changes. Going into seclusion for periods of time is useful for medical, meditative and/or creative purposes, but most of us require the company of others to provide seasoning in our lives. For many individuals, retirement means a relaxed schedule and spending more time with people of one’s choosing.

Retire or Rewire Model: A Rich Psychological Time You can season your mental taste buds when you consider the word “rewire.” •  “Rewire” (from Germanic “wira”) means “flexible metal” and (from Latin verb “viere”) “to braid, weave.” •  The word rewire has meanings for both electricity and psychology. Rewiring refers to replacing faulty electrical wiring when thinking of electrical work. •  Psychologically, rewiring means weaving new skill sets into everyday life. Rewiring consists of flexibility and conscious awareness of beneficial changes you desire in your functioning. Rewiring is a personality ­self-reorganization to provide a greater sense of purpose and meaning. Neuroscientist Michael Merzenish explains that many trillions of electrical neural transactions happen in your brain every day!14 With such



Introduction: Possibilities to Make Your Encore Years Bloom9

complex electrical possibilities, why not focus on your retire/rewire years as a rich psychological time in your life? Electrical and psychological meanings combine in the story of Thomas Alva Edison, who worked on thousands of different theories to develop an efficient lightbulb. While Edison tinkered with a piece of compressed ­c arbon-based lampblack (from a previous lab experiment), he had a proverbial ­a h-ha moment as he rolled the sooty substance in his fingers. What if a thin carbon thread could work? The first successful test of his fledgling electricity lasted 13.5 hours. Edison continued to rewire his design. He filed for U.S. patent 223,898 (granted January 27, 1880).15 Edison not only rewired electric light, but he continuously grew in flexibility and creativity for many inventions. You rewire psychologically by weaving flexibility and creativity into your planning. Edison summarized his guiding principle: “Good fortune is what happens when opportunity meets with planning.” Edison was a possibility pollinator. He asked himself questions. Ask yourself questions. This book asks many questions. Only you can supply your answers, as encore years are distinctive for everyone. One retirement book focuses on one kind of rewiring: “reroute the personal energy you spent on ­f ull-time time work into … personally customized work activities … ­part-time, ­flex-time, phased, sabbatical, seasonal, paid, and/or volunteer.” 16 Transforming Retirement has a more inclusive approach. While some encore adults do find ­work-related ways to enlarge their life, many choose options such as going back to school or caring for grandchildren regularly. •  Rewiring is viewed here as a psychological reboot that applies to both work and ­non-work possibilities. One individual told me that she had been retired for 10 days; she was “practicing retirement” for only a few days until her husband had a sudden onset of illness. Wryly, she added that she now was “practicing” caretaking. The ­newly-planning-for-retirement and the ­newly-retiring individual will find guidance as they focus on their “what next” story. However, there are ­a h-ha moments for those who retired years ago. Rewire ­Warm-Up exercises in each chapter will help you prepare space for new possibilities to germinate today. Possibility Time exercises will foster digging deeper into legacy roots for changes that will make your encore years flourish. You might keep a journal or computer handy to become more aware of your personality possibilities. Writing may help you frame your legacy to leave for future generations. •  “Legacy” (from Latin legare) means “to bequeath.” A personal legacy is passed from one generation to the next and encompasses

10 Introduction: Possibilities to Make Your Encore Years Bloom much more than material assets. Heritage, reputations, and even traumas may be part of one’s personal legacy story. •  “Possibility” (from Latin possibilis) means “able to be done.” Possibilities are selected from alternative plans to utilize your ability potential. Let’s get started! Grab pen and paper, your cell phone, or your computer to record your responses.

Possibility Time When a flower doesn’t bloom you fix the environment in which it grows, not the flower. —Alexander den Heijer, Dutch “purposologist” and consultant

Fix things in your environment that may need changes. Later you can prune any weedy thoughts. 1 .  How do you describe your present environment? 2 .  What is your source of “inspirement,” or blooming with passion? 3 .  How is your psychological wiring these days? 4 .  What happens to your thinking if you rebrand your retirement plots as rewiring plots? By 55+ years, most of us require a bit of psychological rewiring. Our thoughts about aging and retirement are crucial in seeing beyond surface issues. Writer Ashton Applewhite finds that “being ­no-longer-young” embarrasses many, especially women.17 Physician Christiane Northrup interprets: “Your thoughts and beliefs are the single most important indicator of your state of health…[they] are wired into your biology … there’s no supplement, no diet, no medicine, and no exercise regime that can compare with the power of your thoughts and beliefs. That’s the very first place you need to look when anything goes wrong with your body.”18 Become more conscious of your environment, then review the plots of the stories you tell yourself daily.

Blooming Throughout Midlife and Beyond One ­71-year-old woman enjoyed working: “I have no plans for retirement. I intend to continue my career as long as my interest, ability, and



Introduction: Possibilities to Make Your Encore Years Bloom11

health hold. I do find that I don’t put in the 8–­10 hour days I once did … now they range from 4–8 hours.” A ­73-year-old woman bloomed in her own way; she semiretired at age 70 and now works 10 hours a week. She eases into extracurricular possibilities: “I love being a beginner after having to be an expert for many years!” An ­82-year-old man creates abstract wood sculptures that he sells at juried art shows. However, some encore adults struggle with ­post-work identity issues and a sense of purpose. Others worry about money and meaning. Cardinal Richard Cushing mused, “Always plan ahead. It wasn’t raining when Noah built the ark.” Rainy days are in everyone’s forecast. Are your retirement planning thoughts blooming or wilting? Most ­pre-retirement citizens are not making plans for this critical time. The Aegon Center for Longevity and Retirement, surveying more than 100,000 people in 15 different countries, found that only 13 percent of workers have a written retirement plan. Another 44 percent of global workers say they have a plan, but it is not in writing; only 33 percent of workers have a backup plan for income if they find themselves unable to work. A sobering reality is that 39 percent of global retired individuals reported that they retired earlier than they had intended: of those who gave a reason, 30 percent cited reasons of ill health; 26 percent became unemployed due to job loss; 13 percent had family responsibilities, such as becoming a caregiver for a family member; 6 percent had saved enough money and decided to stop working; and 4 percent had received an inheritance which allowed retirement.19 Personal development trainer Brendon Burchard wrote a parable of second chances in life. He received his “golden ticket” or “free pass to possibility” after surviving a car accident at age 19.20 Many of us receive not only second, but third or multiple chances to rewire our thinking after significant life events. Burchard’s ­w ake-up call to reconsider possibilities is a poignant one. Beyonder health issues can interrupt plans. Your ­w ake-up-call stories are unique to you. Whatever backstories you have experienced, consider having a free pass to possibilities. Research has much to offer in hopeful outcomes in the retire/rewire years. Aging brain decline scares beyonders. However, some research shows aging brain growth. In a study of learning word pairs, younger brains used only one part of the brain at a time; older adults used ­bi-lateralization, or two different parts of the brain: “Faced with a challenge…[older brains] tapped into whatever they had, to do what they needed to do … as the [older] brain reorganizes its function, it adds neural possibilities.”21 This is brain blooming! Cognitive changes accelerate as individuals advance into their 80s and beyond. About four in ten respondents (41 percent) ages 85+ report

12 Introduction: Possibilities to Make Your Encore Years Bloom that they experience some memory loss, compared with 27 percent of those ages 75–84 and 20 percent of those ages 65–74. Similarly, 30 percent of those ages 85+ admit that they often feel sad or depressed, compared with less than 20 percent of those who are 65–84. And a quarter of adults ages 85+ say they no longer drive, compared with 17 percent of those ages 75–84 and 10 percent of those who are 65–74. Even with significant challenges, the majority of 85+ beyonders in a Pew Research survey made peace with their circumstances. Only 1 percent of adults ages 85+ reported having lives turning out worse than they expected.22 Pertinent research will be highlighted, while stories of encore adults “blooming” will illustrate the research findings. Joan Erikson is a blooming example. Wife and collaborator with Erik Erikson on the most prominent Western book of life developmental steps, Childhood and Society,23 Erikson assessed her ­95-year life through creating a weaving. She explained ­long-life backstories by looking at the underside of her weaving: “The underpinnings show us where we got off the track…. I look at all the knots I’ve tied and say to myself, this knot in early childhood got me into that knot in adolescence, and wow, look at how uneven the rows became until I worked through that problem.”24 Notice the irregularities Erikson found, and yet she did not despair about them. Poet James Russell Lowell mused, “Mishaps are like knives, that either serve us or cut us, as we grasp them by the blade or by the handle.” Joan Erikson grasped mishaps and kept rewiring. After revisiting the eight stages of human development she had worked on with her husband, Erikson first listed vulnerabilities of each stage to emphasize challenges. She created a ninth stage (80s–90s). Erikson believed that beyonders reflect upon and confront all eight previous stages again and again.25 Former monk and spiritual writer Thomas Moore suggests that the word “retirement” implies an “ending,” with work as life’s mainstay of purpose and/or pleasure. However, having freedom of time means that new possibilities can propagate. Moore reaches out to future generations; he buries a time capsule with legacy photos and messages in most of the homes he has lived in, knowing it might take several generations for his gifts to be discovered.26 Moore’s simple act of generativity, of nurturing those in the future, has meaning for both the sender and possible receivers.

Book Blooming This book is part of a trilogy of developmental books on parenting, midlife grieving, and retirement possibilities. Physicist David Bohm advised that if you really want to understand something you should write



Introduction: Possibilities to Make Your Encore Years Bloom13

a book about it. My first book, It Takes a Child to Raise a Parent: Stories of Evolving Child and Parent Development, 27 focuses on important ways in which children influence parent behavior. Parents discover how each child helps to raise them in particular ways, as well as perceive how they— as children themselves—helped raise their parents/caretakers. Before learning from my own precious children, I began my psychology graduate school understanding of how parenting really works—not in the classroom or library—but in a dozen homes. My late husband and I took on ­l ive-in ­child-sitting roles when parents took vacations without kids. As a newlywed ­nanny-couple, my husband and I encountered family snafus not covered in my child development textbooks. Looking back on that rich experience in my lifetime study of psychology, those stays of one or two weeks with other peoples’ children provided an unparalleled learning laboratory in family dynamics. I believe that I was a caring and compassionate caregiver; however, those children taught me more than I ever gave to them. Later, as a school psychologist and family therapist, I recognized incredible ways that my client children raised their parents. My second book, Midlife Maze: A Map to Recovery and Rediscovery After Loss, 28 follows those same midlife parents (ages 35–64) in grappling with their individual issues of grieving. Midlife Maze focuses on a variety of losses hitting home in midlife. While loss becomes more prevalent in the beyonder season, there are many losses that begin to pile up in midlife—infertility, miscarriage, divorce, job firing, accidents, storm damage to homes, illness, and deaths of loved ones. Even the empty nest can trigger feelings of intense loss for parents. Every loss story is personal. Your path through winding passages of grieving is unique, but please understand that grieving is a natural healing response to loss rather than a pathological experience. In fact, there is much to discover about yourself and life itself through embracing a grieving process. Transforming Retirement is a Plan A book for bystanders and Boomers on how to rewire for possibilities in encore years. It is a Plan B book for readers who have experienced retire/rewire years for some time and desire to weave new possibilities into life. This book has a proactive focus that considers possibilities or plans for having passion for living a life of purpose and meaning during midlife and beyond. In addition to covering healthy, wealthy, and wise issues of your encore years, each chapter will challenge you to consider possibilities: •  What are you doing with your precious time today? •  What kind of rewiring might you tinker with today? Many stories will model rewiring examples. Rewiring your personality and ability skill set is a process during encore years that becomes more

14 Introduction: Possibilities to Make Your Encore Years Bloom poignant when you consider that these precious years are your final developmental stage. You create your unique legacy story. You will decide how best to read this book. Not everyone starts at the beginning and finishes to the end. My ­99-year-old mother usually read the last chapter of a book first. Feel free to be a butterfly reader like Mom. Butterflies flit in an erratic fluttering pattern, making it difficult for predators, especially birds, to predict their next direction. And ­sky-dancing butterflies can fly with half of their wings missing! According to the Australian Butterfly Sanctuary, butterfly wings are larger than needed for flying. Is there a meaning for human behavior folded into these ­butterfly-wing facts?

Part I: Loving Possibilities Part I (Chapters 1–3) explores possibilities in exercising passion for oneself, passion for others, and the underpinnings for a ­tend-and-befriend planet. Research suggests that happy people are not ­self-absorbed and concerned with their own ­well-being; instead, feeling “good” predicted more, not less, caring for others, and taking significant action on causes such as environmental issues. 29 This aspect of making genuine connections with others, finding significance outside of one’s daily routines, relates to a deeper sense of selfhood. We will revisit ­self-meanings throughout the book. Possibilities for meaning in your encore years are ­w ide-ranging and have a huge impact upon our shared future. To transition from career to “carefree” is a myth. Leaving significant aspects of past life is challenging. Wallowing for a time in an ­i n-between stage of transitioning may feel confusing before you discover a seedtime to fill your life with purpose and meaning. Famous people’s aging stories add intriguing examples.

Part II: Activity Possibilities Part II (Chapters 4–6) addresses activity possibilities, both in terms of vocations, avocations, and volunteering, and in caretaking activities for the wealth of your health. Possibilities exist for making the retire/rewire years fertile times of life, even when encore adults may struggle with the loss of their work/career identity. Rewiring to recognize personality strengths and vulnerabilities helps reset possibilities. Hopeful possibilities in daily life impact brain functioning through increasing dopamine, which in turn increases motivation for actions. In beyonder years there are increasing health needs that may require you to leave your home and



Introduction: Possibilities to Make Your Encore Years Bloom15

choose living conditions that may not be your first choice. Such losses are poignant. Downsizing your entire life is not easy terrain.

Part III: Narrative Possibilities Many narrative possibilities are covered in Part III (Chapters 7–9). Affirming ­l ife-enhancing plots as well as coping with inevitable dying stories becomes more prominent in retire/rewire years. Most individuals have encountered many losses by this time. What are your possibilities ­post-loss? We have a core self that we carry with us wherever we go, but we must be conscious of this calm and compassionate core. When we focus on an inner sense of connectedness and creativity—aside from our constant chatter about aging losses—we open ourselves to new possibilities.

Encore Chapter: The Last Dance Each seasoned citizen weaves their own version of retiring certain aspects of their former life and rewiring for a more robust life. This encore time of life offers possibilities in rewiring some electricity into daily actions. The summary chapter brings you full circle to embrace passion and possibilities for your encore years. It is a possibility that readers will not just acknowledge more parts of their own ­self-story and embrace their own ­self-meaning, but also become more conscious of others’ stories and ­self-meanings. Dancing is best when you dance with others. *  *  * The Johnston Retirement Survey participants in this book are actual persons, but names do not appear to preserve their privacy. Real names only appear when information comes from the public record.

Part I

Loving Possibilities What I learned at a very early age was that I was responsible for my life … you cannot blame apartheid, your parents, your circumstances, because you are not your circumstances. You are your possibilities. If you know that, you can do anything. —Oprah Winfrey, TV producer

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Passion for Oneself Age puzzles me. I thought it was a quiet time. My seventies were interesting and fairly serene but my eighties are passionate. I grow more intense as I age. —Florida ­Scott-Maxwell, Jungian psychologist, The Measure of My Days Nothing is as important as passion. No matter what you want to do with your life, be passionate. —Jon Bon Jovi, ­singer-songwriter

German American sex therapist Dr. Ruth Westheimer—still dishing advice into her 90s—quipped, “I tell everyone not to retire, but to rewire.” Instead of this either/or proposition, I favor a both/and approach. Yes, it is possible to both retire and rewire, as each action is unique to each individual. When you need to retire, do it. But plan to rewire your personality and ability skill set as well. Aging into the next decade is a transition in the ongoing development of your life. As a psychologist and family therapist devoted to positive developmental changes in all family members, I embrace a growth mindset for every age. Psychologist Carol Dweck identified two mindsets. •  Fixed mindset: You believe your qualities are set in neurological and psychological plaster—you have a fixed IQ, a set personality, and a certain moral character that defines you. A fixed mindset is a learned behavior. •  Growth mindset: You believe that you are capable of continuing growth. Your personality is flexible. It has plasticity. You cultivate new qualities through your efforts. You can adjust your moral compass with your life wisdom. Your true potential is unknown. Dweck suggests, “The view you adopt for yourself profoundly affects the way you lead your life … no matter what kind of person you are, you 18



1. Passion for Oneself19

can always change substantially.”1 Dweck admits that everyone is a mixture of fixed and growth mindsets. Being conscious of your current mindset gives you valuable feedback. Rewire your personality and skill set to meet your basic needs—energy, discipline, creativity, belonging, and ability2—with a growth mindset.

­Growth-and-Grit Mindset You may question if it is possible to embrace a growth mindset when dealing with hot topics like a pandemic, serious illness, and/or death. The short answer is yes! It is possible that loss, illness, or death of a significant person can serve as a creativity ­wake-up call to change aspects of your life. A growth mindset is critical for coping with suffering and grief, calling for passion for your learning potential and conscious behavior. British actress Julie Andrews is a good example of how a growth mindset makes a difference when loss hits home. Known for her beautiful voice, in 1997 Andrews faced the trauma of waking up from an operation (to remove a cyst on her vocal cord) and discovering her ­perfect-pitch voice had disappeared. She admitted that she lost her identity. Andrews lost hope in her 60s, fostering a depressed part of her personality, as she had had a singing career since age 10, when she sang in a music hall with her pianist mother and singer stepfather.3 Andrews’s ­much-loved musicals have tunes that many in the encore years fondly recall. Fortunately, Andrews rewired both her personality and her skill set. Along with her daughter Emma, she began writing children’s books. She found a new voice, a personal Rebirth plot for herself. Andrews acknowledges still missing singing, but she became adept at whistling! I believe that a good measure of grit is involved in sustaining a growth mindset in your beyonder years. My definition of passion in retire/rewire years combines both growth and grit, or a ­g rowth-and-grit mindset. Both qualities are helpful at every age, but I think they are indispensable for encore individuals. Grit is helpful in navigating suffering and loss. •  Research psychologist Angela Duckworth defines grit as “the power of passion plus perseverance.” Passion is critical in having perseverance for your goals. Grit was a key predictor of who made it through training at the military academy at West Point. Lack of ability was not the reason that some dropped out of training. The successful ones possessed a “never give up” attitude.4 Grit is exercising discipline, a basic human need. Grit is not about luck. It is not about talent. It is what my parents’ generation would call

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Part I—Loving Possibilities

“­stick-to-itiveness.” When you make plans with grit, you stick with a goal even when the going is tough. Grit takes resilience and planning. Ann Richards, the passionate governor of Texas, was asked about the secret to her success. Her answer was the very definition of grit: “passion and perseverance when everyone else would have given up.” E. Gordon Gee, an outspoken academic who held more college presidencies than any other American, quipped: “You can’t measure grit on the S.A.T!” People and other creatures are built for grit. Consider the ­3 00-plus-pound sea turtle. Looking at this creature sunning on a Hawaiian beach, my first impression was that the bulky turtle appeared incapable of much ­f ar-ranging movement. However, the adage “looks are deceiving” applies to this magnificent species. Sea turtles have been around for a gritty 110 million years, the era of some dinosaurs, and can live to around 100 years of age. However, sea turtles are at risk today; scientists in a U.K. study found plastic fragments in the gut of every one of the Atlantic, Pacific and Mediterranean turtles examined. 5 Sea turtles are ocean lawnmowers, as eating seagrass helps other marine life by keeping the seagrass short. Capable of diving deep, sea turtles can hold their breath for five hours underwater through slowing their heart rate (up to nine minutes between heartbeats). These ­G PS-capable turtles migrate thousands of miles over their lifetime to eat, breed, and lay eggs. Sailors use latitude/longitude navigational technology, but a female turtle senses slight variations in Earth’s magnetic field to return to lay her eggs on the exact beach where she was born.6 One female turtle possessed the grit to endure a 12,­0 00-mile roundtrip.

Beliefs About Possibilities Pockets of U.S. culture hold stereotypes about everything, including aging: “negative stereotypes about aging … may directly and indirectly prime diminished capacity for older adults. Similarly, the absence of these cues may prime improved health.” 7 Our internalized negative stereotypes about aging are often not conscious. Social psychologist Jennifer Eberhardt explains that brains are malleable, but we sort people into categories without consciousness. In the “­other-race effect,” both biology and one’s exposure equip individuals to process faces that are familiar. “Implicit bias … is a kind of distorting lens that’s a product of both the architecture of our brain and the disparities in our society … [we] hold biases based on all sorts of characteristics—skin color, age, weight, ethnic origin, accent, disability, height, and gender.”8 Some individuals suffer



1. Passion for Oneself21

from several cultural biases at the same time, as in aging plus a disability, or aging plus ­skin-color discrimination. Psychologist Ellen Langer researched seasoned citizens who had lived with a grandparent before they were two years old with those who had lived with a grandparent after they were 13 years old. The expectation was that the youth who had been toddlers with grandparents would perceive their grandparents as “acting younger” than those in the teen decade. If right about this, the younger group would embrace a “younger” version of older age. This was confirmed, suggesting that mindset starts early. Unfortunately, many encore adults associate aging with a narrowing of their ­self-definition.9 This is an example of a ­fi xed-mindset without grit. What might your life become if you do not believe that your age defines you? What if you approach every day as a new possibility for catapulting yourself upstream with mental energy? Swimming is good exercise, but do you have a ­flow-mode for other activities? The concept of “flow” of talent relates to the depth of involvement in anything you do. When you experience your own sense of flow, or passion for a certain topic, time flows quickly.10 Hungarian American psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, with educators Kevin Rathunde and Samuel Whalen, studied talented youth to ascertain what factors made it possible for them to flow in their ability to achieve well. They gathered over 7,000 ­self-reports of achieving adolescents’ everyday experiences. I recall my daughter’s experience of being a research subject. She was asked to jot down a journal entry every time a random signal from a ­b eeper-watch triggered her attention. What the researchers found will not surprise you: high school students’ motivation for excellence related to their enjoyment of learning tasks. The students lost track of time and ignored other distractions when they focused on their present purpose. Specific intentions and feedback aid one in exhibiting ­flow-mode passion.11 In addition to exercising ability potential, sports, music, and art are common flow activities. Any activity can trigger flow and the pollination of passion. Age is not a factor in identifying passion for yourself and your activities. A ­2 8-year-old physician in Texas died of ­C OVID-19. She was an obstetrician and gynecologist but did a rotation in the ER to help with COVID patients prior to vaccines. Her father advocated a Discovery plot after she died: “Be an Adeline. Have passion for your life.” •  “Passion” (from Latin passio) means “suffering.” From Christian theology, passion refers to Jesus suffering after the Last Supper and until death. Earlier Buddhist teachings consider suffering as one of the principal teachings of the Buddha. Both religious traditions foster acceptance themes.

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Part I—Loving Possibilities •  Secular meanings for passion include identifying an engaging activity that you love, find important, and choose to invest both time and energy in in an ongoing effort. Passion may be harmonious with your overall life or it may be obsessive.12

The harmonious passion you want to cultivate stimulates a wholesome identity and contributes to your ­well-being. Passion takes acceptance and conscious focusing. If an activity takes on obsessiveness, it feels controlling and conflicts with other activities. You might list everything that you ever had harmonious passion for in each decade of your life. While there may be a variety of entries, you might discover that some patterns repeat.13 Early passion persists for many. Basketball wizard John Wooden, a ­t hree-time ­A ll-American Purdue basketball player, coached UCLA to ten NCAA championships even though he was given inadequate facilities for his first 16 years there. His passion for coaching included ­g rowth-and-grit thinking: “You have to apply yourself each day to becoming a little better. By applying yourself to the task of becoming a little better each and every day over a period of time, you will become a lot better.” Wooden’s philosophy is worth pursuing: “Did I win? Did I lose? Those are the wrong questions. The correct question is: Did I make my best effort?”14 Similar advice came from South African president Nelson Mandela: “May your choices reflect your hopes, not your fears.” Fears devastate passion. What deters you from embracing your possibilities?

­Growth-and-Grit with Wrinkles Some seasoned citizens do not view age as a deterrent to their possibilities. The first woman to hold the ­h igh-ranking job of president of CBS News, journalist Susan Zirinsky, was also the oldest person to assume the role in 2019 at age 66. When ­golden-ager Glenn Close was 71, she beat four younger women to win the Golden Globe for best actress for The Wife. Dame Judi Dench collected seven Oscar nominations in her 60s and beyond. Anna Mary Robertson Moses (Grandma Moses) began painting at age 76 when arthritis kept her from holding an embroidery needle; her art hangs in museums worldwide. At 90 years, young-thinking actress Rita Moreno quipped, “The only way I can retire is if I can’t walk. And even then, there’s always a wheelchair—or roller skates.” U.S. politics is an arena for seasoned women to continue their working years. Elizabeth Dole served in the Nixon, Reagan, and George H. Bush presidential administrations, headed the Red Cross, ran for president, was the first female senator from North Carolina, and at age 76 established a



1. Passion for Oneself23

foundation dedicated to helping military and veteran caregivers. Consider the opinion of Representative Donna Shalala of Florida: “We had professional careers, we were achievers in our fields, and you’re seeing the result of that now … we’re comfortable in our own skin, and we don’t put up with nonsense … age is just a number.” Shalala exercised grit in becoming the oldest freshman in her House class, taking office just before her 78th birthday. Also 78, Nancy Pelosi was reelected Speaker of the House of Representatives. Representative Maxine Waters became the first woman and the first African American to lead the Financial Services Committee at age 80. These women model ­g rowth-and-grit mindsets. Nearly a third of women ages 65–69 are working, according to Harvard economists Claudia Goldin and Lawrence Katz. Approximately 18 percent of women aged 70–74 work.15 All likely have wrinkles. As columnist Gail Collins points out, “We’ve expanded our vision of what women can do at any age—Ruth Bader Ginsburg working out with her personal trainer at 86 before a day at the Supreme Court … but that doesn’t mean our prejudice against growing older has been erased. If it had, the 7,000 or so cosmetic surgeons in America would be way underemployed.” Collins researched age discrimination against women; a study in 1929 showed reluctance to hire older women or “almost everybody who had failed to keep that fabled ­19-year-old complexion.”16 Wrinkles still rattle people in the new millennium. Thinking he was delivering a high compliment, an ­89-year-old man said to a younger woman, “For a woman your age, you really don’t have very many wrinkles!” Phrases like “over the hill” are applied more frequently to women than men, although there are more ­hill-walking gals in their 80s than men. Our culture suffers from a fixed mindset about age and wrinkled bodies. Physician and gerontologist Robert Butler coined the term “ageism” in 1969. In medical school Butler was shocked to hear of older patients referred to as “crocks” and viewed as beyond medical help.17 Raised by grandparents, perhaps Butler had a head start in experiencing the competence of wrinkled adults. Every age has wrinkles on the inside! The human brain is quite wrinkled; folds in the brain exist to enlarge a surface area of the cortex to increase brainpower within a small space. Looking at a human brain, you see about ­one-third of its surface; the rest is enfolded in “wrinkles.” If you were able to spread out the wrinkles, the brain would be 2,500 square centimeters, the size of a small tablecloth. There are more wrinkles in the front of the cortex, which is responsible for most abstract forms of thinking.18 Have I convinced you to reconsider wrinkled beliefs? Men largely escape the stereotype of pesky facial/neck wrinkles and more often enjoy work status in their later years. From Congress to the Supreme Court, many beyonder men continue in vital

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Part I—Loving Possibilities

positions. Perhaps most dramatic have been the senators who struggled to cast important votes even when their health was in an acute state: ­8 0-year-old John McCain rallied from surgery and a diagnosis of brain cancer to cast a 1:00 a.m. vote to salvage the Affordable Care Act. The bill passed initially due to ­9 2-year-old Senator Robert Byrd’s arrival by wheelchair to vote for it earlier. In his 90s, President Jimmy Carter continues to work on global issues to improve public health, as well as to build Habitat for Humanity homes. Beyond the political arena, many Boomers choose to work in their 60s and 70s despite some calls for “Boomer remover.”

Retirement Timetables Retirement timetables are a moving target. With companies downsizing, incentives offer early retirement to employees still in their 50s.19 Holding onto your career or starting a new career in your beyonder years are not your only possibilities. Retirement is a process, and it is not ­one-size-fits-all. Norwegian sociologist Gunhild Hagestad emphasizes that there is no right time to retire. People tend to blame themselves for being “off time,” but circumstances can intervene with timing. Hagestad experienced a ­l ife-threatening illness and lost track of time when she put energy into healing: “Life is in f lux, but we still hold to rigid ideas of appropriate behavior for different ages … there is no single age that is ‘right’ to go to school, to marry, or to retire.” 20 Embrace Hagestad’s solution—create a strong psychological portfolio along with a financial one. Retirement, like other developmental stages, is not a single date on a calendar but rather an evolving transition. Retirement views are ­w ide-ranging, and not just from person to person. You may find that plans shift after entering retirement. Some individuals change careers, delighting in a new skill set. Others look forward to leaving the work world to bask in “free” time. Poet Christian McEwen notices how ­t ime-talk often is paired with monetary references such as saving/wasting/investing/spending time. When people are forced into an economic slowdown, time takes on new meanings: “One of the curious facts about the Great Depression is that, despite the spate of suicides, most ordinary people experienced better health than they had in previous years. They also enjoyed longer lives. Quite simply, they had more time at their disposal.”21 The ­COVID-19 pandemic also upended individuals’ sense of time. Many retired individuals referred to “groundhog days” with time distortions as they waited for vaccine deliverance. Gerontologist Ken Dychtwald and management



1. Passion for Oneself25

consultant Robert Morison consider that retired people today have “time affluence.”22 Although my initial Retirement Survey of seasoned citizens occurred pre–COVID, time expenditure was a major focus. Individuals over 55 had time opinions. One ­58-year-old realized that her work friends were all retiring; she sped up her retirement. She anticipated volunteering to deliver Meals on Wheels and becoming a board member for a local nonprofit. Here are different views: 56, female (works 40 hours/week): “Everyone mentions retirement as having freedom to do what you want, but it actually can turn out as wasting time.” 57, female (works 30 hours/week): “I have a fear of becoming irrelevant to society as my parents experienced after their retirement…. I made a cognitive switch from deriving my identity from work/success to valuing living life and experiences, spending more time with family and friends. I cut back work after my mother died.” 59, male (works 40 hours/week, volunteers 8 hours/week): “I do not plan to retire.” 59, female (works 30 hours/week): “[Retirement is] … aimlessness … it feels like a contrived or ­made-up Western concept…. I plan to avoid retirement…. I want to be as useful to humanity as I can be.” Two 60s Boomers felt surprise as they stepped into new retirement shoes. One initially believed that retirement signified an ending, only to discover a fresh start a few months later: “it feels like a beginning!” Another found that retirement was not as easy as she first imagined, but she was determined to segue into “finding my inner self.” More 60s definitions follow: 60, female (semiretired; “works/volunteers” 10 hours/week): “I’m spending more time working/volunteering than I expected … my family expects me to work less; it’s important to share your meaning of retirement with significant others.” 64, female (retired 4 years): “You need to grasp time with loved ones and pursue your interests as much as possible as we don’t know the limitations that will come down the road.” 65, male (retired 4 years; volunteers 1 hour/week): “Everyone has a different take on how to use retirement … there is no one right answer.” 69, male (retired 7 years): “Retirement means a reassessment, a retooling, a reevaluation…. I want to be more of who I was meant to be.”

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Part I—Loving Possibilities

Notice ­t ime-talk by 70s encore adults: 70, female (retired 2 years, volunteers 12 hours/week): “This is a gift of time many don’t get, either because they die, or don’t have enough resources …[it is] a new chapter in life, full of activities, meaning, reflections, possibilities.” 70, male (retired 8 years; current pro bono work varies): “I must stay involved intellectually and socially … [I] couldn’t [retire] cold turkey and feel that it was best for me to do it gradually…. There was a period of time where there was significant caretaking of older generation … involvement with my family and grandchildren is extremely rewarding.” 72, female (retired 11 years, volunteering varies): “It should be enjoyable … a time to learn new things, but also a time to spend more time on favorite hobbies and helping others in the community and beyond.” 75, male (works 23 hours a week): “[Retirement means] … leaving the employment I love [and] greater frailty … retirement is for those who feel they need it.” Time continues as a focus for the 80s decade: 80, female (retired 10 years, volunteers 15 hours/week): “[My] expectation was I’d feel useless to the world, unable to contribute anything valued. In 10 years I have found a way to feel useful and valued … to focus on what I can do, not what I can’t do.” 81, female (works 10–20 hours a week): “I tried to retire, but I was too bored and cranked it back up. Now I have a revived private practice of up to 20 sessions per week … people are not retiring from the university because they don’t know what to do with their time.” 83, male (works 6 hours/week; volunteers 1 hour/week): “I’m enjoying being semiretired more than I expected … a blessing of retirement … is greater freedom of choice about how to spend my time.” 86, male (retired 24 years, volunteers 5 hours/week): “Great time for bettering your education (online courses, graduate courses, lots of reading) … pretty close to my expectation except 80s present different strategies—not able to physically do all I want. No tennis … balance [is] an issue.” ­90-year-olds also used time as a reference: 94, female (retired 29 years, volunteering varies): “Time for reading, Pilates, getting together with friends, and volunteer work.”



1. Passion for Oneself27 95, male (retired 30 years): “It seems strange to have so much free time.” 98, female (my mother, retired 22 years, volunteering varied): “I have so many inspirational ideas urging my involvement … to see the fruition of the ideals … that will benefit all creation, human and nature.”

Compare and contrast the above time references to participants’ responses to my ­follow-up survey: “How have you spent your time during the pandemic?” Many seasoned citizens were challenged, but showed ­g rowth-and-grit mindsets during the pandemic: 68, female: “Oddly enough because of my cancer diagnosis it made my quarantining (due to chemo) not feel so isolating/alone … everybody was having to quarantine. The pandemic certainly validated my belief in the power of relationships …[and] validating the self …[I] helped my children by providing daily care for my grandchildren.” 69, female: “Early on, I spent several months just holding my breath, thinking this will end soon. Then I realized it wouldn’t end soon…. It was boring … my knee needed replacing and I couldn’t walk well … [Finally] I had a knee replacement … and then rehab, still not meeting with friends or family members. I started walking … that is what saved me from boredom and depression and lifted my spirits.” 70, female: “The pandemic has been challenging and isolating. Fortunately, I can be outside a lot and be physically active.” 72, female: “[I grew] closer and fonder of my spouse … really appreciate that we have each other. We were scared to go out, that we would get sick, suffer/die. We mourned the ­beforetimes and our friends who became ill. One died. New volunteer experiences have been satisfying … [I’m] letting go of busyness and overbuying and too much eating out. Now I don’t want these.” 74, female: “I had previously been very active in a number of volunteer activities, all of which shut down during the pandemic…. I was offered a position in 2020 which I was able to do primarily from home…. I had to adjust to much more alone time.” 78, male: “I created a daily to do list. The list includes books, films, courses, zooms, writing, philosophy inquires and puzzles of life. This included daily exercise. Also, major time was spent in involvement in the 2020 Presidential campaign … [I] missed physically being with family.”

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Part I—Loving Possibilities 83, male: “[I’m] aware of what is happening near and far … taking virus safety precautions, staying as active as possible … working on my art (wood sculpture), reading, TV, walking the dog, zooming church activities.”

Time—A Current or Past Reality? Have you found time speeding up in your encore years? There are 24 hours in every day, yet it seems time races as years pass. Research backs up this perception. The release of dopamine, the body’s main neurotransmitter involved in time processing, has a ­d rop-off beginning after age 20. This leads to the appearance that time passes faster. Also, your perceptions are different from younger years when you had to process many new events. There are possibilities to combat the speeding time clock. To make time travel slow down, do something different!23 When you are in ­flow-mode, you do not count hours. Recall events when you were younger. You cannot repeat these events exactly (or may not want to), but can you recall times that fertilized your field of growth? Some individuals found growth as the pandemic forced them to reconsider time. A ­7 1-year-old man was philosophical: “[The pandemic offered] … me more time for contemplation and strategic thought…. I did not feel that I lost time … [lessons included] some patience, some resilience … like a repeat when I was in the service—like something you were compelled to do … better to accept that than to bemoan it—like a wound but try to find the positive way out of it … the greater your gratitude, the greater your happiness … guys, when older, get cranky or better!” A ­74-year-old woman noticed ­pandemic-time opposites: “It limited and slowed down ­face-to-face interactions while speeding up progress on some projects that had lain dormant … time is precious. Using time wisely is harder when your activities are limited, and your schedule falls apart.” Consider the grandfatherly image of archetypal Father Time who holds a ­f arm-harvest tool, a scythe. Greek mythology’s Cronos was a deity of time, harvest, justice, and fate. “Chronos” is the Greek word for time. Some Father Time art includes Baby New Year, a Rebirth plot. British detective novelist Agatha Christie explained time’s trajectory: “I have been on a journey. Not so much a journey back through the past as a journey forward—a starting again at the beginning of it all—going back to Me who was to embark on that journey forward through time.” What harvest or legacy journeys do you experience? What are your dreams that you did not make time for earlier? Brains love novelty. What can you learn that is new? Where might you travel that is new? It does not have to be far away,



1. Passion for Oneself29

as many people do not know about everything within their own surroundings. What different foods might you enjoy preparing and eating? I am a collector and cooker of new recipes. Trying out new ways of combining ingredients leads to tasty treats for my palate. There are a few duds, but my family is flexible. When some seasoning does not work well, I figure out how to improve for another time. Brain wrinkles appreciate thinking in alternative mode. Psychologist Laura Carstensen differentiates time perceptions of younger individuals versus encore adults. Young people operate with the premise of unlimited time, focusing on preparation and knowledge for life. Around age 60 a perception shifts to time limitations; goals reflect emotional meaning and satisfaction. 24 Poet Nikki Giovanni reframes regret: “I have friends who are divorced, and it was like, ‘Oh, it was such a mistake.’ Well, it wasn’t a mistake, it was a lesson learned. You had 10 good years, and you have children and whatever, the house or whatever.”25 We are scriptwriters of our emotional plots going forward. Our backstories inform us, but we own the detective privilege of interpreting our missed steps, sidesteps, and sashaying steps. Hindsight often is a better version of “facts”; it is harder to catch your mistakes when they are in progress. Getting lost along the way happens to all of us but we can learn from our missteps. One beyonder reports, “I tell time through losses—breast cancer, divorce, dying.” Another tells time through birthdays of grandchildren. Time travels in many directions. Italian physicist Carlo Rovelli made the study of time his life’s work. Put on your curiosity cap to grasp this thing we call time. It is not what you think: “We conventionally think of time as something simple and fundamental that flows uniformly, independently from everything else, from the past to the future, measured by clocks and watches … yet, all of this has turned out to be false…[it is our] greatest mystery…[we make] approximations, mistakes determined by our perspective, just like the flatness of the Earth.” Quantum physics both challenges us and offers exploration: “This space … [of] memory [of the past] combined with our continuous process of anticipation [of the future], is the source of our sensing time as time, and ourselves as ourselves.”26 Do you think of time as an hourglass perpetually full or running on empty? Your perceptions count.

Benefits of Acting “Young” Time perception is of essence in a fascinating experiment by Harvard psychologist Ellen Langer in her “counterclockwise study.” Langer studied men and women in their late 70s and early 80s. Her experiment

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had two groups of individuals living in a transformed monastery in New Hampshire for one week. Prior to the study, participants provided a recent photo of themselves and a photo from 20 years ago. The retreat center was outfitted to look as if it was 20 years “younger.” The experimental group was given photos of everyone from 20 years ago. They were instructed to talk about political events of that prior era of life in the present tense. The control group had current photos of everyone and were instructed to speak about events in the past tense. All participants were tested both physically and cognitively before and after their week of living in the time capsule. Both groups showed increases in strength (in hand grip), memory, and hearing, but the ­a cting-20-years-younger group had more gains. When seasoned citizens rewired as if they were younger, they were passionate! In health measurements, individuals acting younger were deemed to “look younger,” showing greater improvement on joint flexibility and finger length (with diminished arthritis); some even possessed better sight and showed higher scores on intelligence tests! Improvement results occurred in just one week of acting 20 years younger. Langer found that the mind has an enormous impact on the body.27 What if ALL seasoned citizens had an opportunity to be in Langer’s ­one-week study and recoup better health? I cannot offer to run this wonderful experiment, but reading this book may help you rewire both physically and mentally. Notice how rewiring occurred when the ­acting-as-if-younger adults had a fun community experience of celebrating ­fountain-of-youth time with other optimists. You do not have to participate in a study to feel vital; exude passion by practicing optimism every day! Longitudinal research followed 69,000 women (average age of 70) for 10 years and 1,400 men (average age 62) for 30 years. The intent was to find who was still alive at the study’s end. Results were clear—optimism was related to a 11–15 percent longer life span. The most optimistic had a better chance of living to age 85+. Results held after accounting for such differences as socioeconomic status, social status, how healthy participants were at the beginning of the study, and daily behaviors of smoking, diet, and alcohol use. “Optimistic individuals tend to have goals and the confidence to reach them … optimism fosters ­health-promoting habits.”28 Find some optimism dance steps today!

Rewire ­Warm-Up We turn not older with years, but newer every day. —Emily Dickinson, poet, Letter to Louise Norcross



1. Passion for Oneself31 Executive communication and mindfulness professor Mark Waldman believes daily intentions are powerful if you are conscious when you first awaken. What you do in your first few minutes awake can make or break your day. 1 .  When you wake up, do not jump out of bed quickly. (OK, you never jump out of bed.) Take a few seconds for a physical/mental inventory. Are you aware of present emotions? Do you feel tired or refreshed? Notice any body sensations. Observe your breathing. Stretch in bed. Nearly every mammal and bird has awakening actions—they slowly stretch while they yawn. Perhaps bird brains grasp something: stretching can eliminate physical tensions. Yawning exercises brain wrinkles. Take notice—bird bodies do not appear out of shape. 2 .  Next, visualize a goal for today. Imagine plans for beginning this activity. Do you detect an anxious part? If so, thank your anxiety for trying to protect you. Find your imagination part. Your imagination cues a mental ­jump-start. Muhammad Ali understood the power of imagination: “The [wo]man who has no imagination has no wings.” Fully visualize an intention and the possibility of success. What part of your personality makes things happen? ­Mover-and-shaker? ________? Now wing up from bed. Breathe peacefully. 3 .  During your day take purposeful ­t ime-outs. This is different from a procrastination part. Most of us have our own versions of procrastination acrobatics. ­Un-focus through relaxing: take ­f iveminute breaks each hour! Sense a calm, centered space inside you. Conscious ­u n-focusing begins with deep breaths. Yawn. Stretch. Learn from dogs. Shake your body. When dogs are stressed, perhaps challenged by another dog, they release stress through shaking. Shaking brings you into the present moment. •  Focus on your wealth of time. •  Ask yourself these questions29: What passionate causes might you begin if you had unlimited money? Who might you help? Whatever your finances, what actions might you take to make this world a better place?

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Step One: Harmonious Passion in a Core Self Our initial step in rewiring is to cultivate harmonious ­self-passion. It is challenging to feel any passion when too many limiting beliefs were installed subconsciously in early years, but it is possible. Feeling ­self-passion is a way of acknowledging an inner calm essence, a core self that is always with you. This will resonate with some of you and may make others scratch your heads with a “Say what?” question. Internal Family Systems (IFS) founder Dick Schwartz interprets: “The last place we look for peace and joy is inside ourselves. We search everywhere else: in intimate relationships, careers, purchases, travel, gurus, ­s elf-help groups, and the grace of God … branches of all the world’s religions … use different words … [but] say the same thing … once we learn to hold awareness of who we really are, we find peace and joy.”30 Rewiring your personality includes conscious awareness of a core self: “[it] reminds parts [of your personality] of the possibility of making moral choices in the present … it poses moral questions when parts are extreme and brings them back in touch with their own morality.”31 When you understand growth as moving toward wholeness with a moral compass, you embrace your inherent wisdom and find purpose. Schwartz’s IFS model includes both psychotherapy and a life practice. Everyone has a birthright core self that Schwartz defines with eight ­C-words: calmness, clarity, curiosity, confidence, courage, creativity, connectedness, and compassion. 32 I consider that consciousness—how we even recognize a core self—to be included as 8+ C’s of core self. Be conscious of your thinking. Perhaps you develop a practice for meditation or a centering prayer. Meditators often experience and recognize a core space of calmness. When you allow your thoughts and emotions to pass through you without getting snagged in ­woe-is-me suffering, you experience a time lapse. You breathe more deeply. ­S elf-acceptance seems available. Some meditation practices refer to this calmness as “­no-self,” but what is meant is a stepping back from an ego or ­decider-part (erroneously thought of as “self ”) that works overtime in overthinking everything. Schwartz translates “­no-self ” to mean “­no-parts” of your personality are needed in meditation—not achieving parts and not your critical part asking, “Are you sure you are meditating the right way?” Consciousness is your focus in centering or meditating (see exercise in Chapter 6). Calm, deep breathing is ­present-moment time. Babies express it well. The existence of an inner calm “core” is an ancient concept. Greeks called it daimon. Egyptians used the term Ba. Mexican Zapotec xquenda (spirit, soul, essence) is another example. There is clarity when you focus on present moments. Austrian British psychoanalyst Anna Freud



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expressed an inner consciousness awareness: “I was always looking outside myself for strength and confidence, but it comes from within. It is there all the time.” I think of the conscious act of experiencing this present moment as being awake and aware in ­self-territory one interaction at a time. 33 French Jesuit priest and naturalist Pierre Teilhard de Chardin wrote eloquently about inner territory. Whether you believe in a divine milieu, as he does, or not, there is truth in his inclusive assertion: “We are one, after all, you and I. Together we suffer, together exist, and forever will recreate each other.” We are interdependent beings in suffering and joy. No one is joyful 100 percent of the time, but people are drawn to others who appear happy. There is an electric energy surrounding joyfulness. Psychologist William von Hippel applies evolution to understanding happy behavior. He sees happiness as communicating competence. This explains why we are reluctant to share any unhappy emotions with others, which may lead to denial of our emotions. We are seldom aware of such denial. No one exudes happiness and ­s elf-passion constantly, but present awareness of happy behavior is important. “Our evolved psychology is deeply entwined with happiness and its pursuit: living the good life is largely a matter of meeting our evolutionary imperatives … understanding the pressures exerted by our past can help guide us.”34 At one time our chimpanzee ancestors lived in trees in the rain forest, but when they made the social leap to living on the savannah, they had to rewire for an entirely different lifestyle. Cooperative clustering together to fend off predators led to chimp survival, along with using branches as fishing rods to burrow into termite mounds for a tasty snack.35 The phrase “You’ve come a long way, baby” comes to mind. We might also admit that we still have a long way to go. Have you ever surprised yourself in a conversation with another person, thinking later, “I wish I hadn’t said that?” This is a normal thing—we have meandering minds. It might be a perfectionist, fearful, or insecure personality part speaking. What do you call the part of you that has regret, or perhaps guilt? Name it. Where do you sense this part in your body? Is it ­g ut-wrenching or a heartache? Meditation teacher Sebene Selassie frames a familiar line of thinking: “I’ve been trying to get rid of aspects of my personality ever since I’ve known me. I reject things that don’t measure up to my ideals—the ways I think I should be. I am my fiercest critic.”36 All of us have personality parts that complain. Just remember, emotional parts of your personality are protective. When you tell a story plot about your life, what part of you is doing the telling? Is it anger, blame or joy? Each part tells its own stories. Jot down examples of your common thinking: “I don’t know why I…” “I can’t stand…” “I had the best time when…” Passion for yourself includes accepting all parts of your personality. Your personality

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­s tory-house evolves with consciousness. You might ask yourself, “Who might I be if I told a different story? What if I act … (confident, assertive, compassionate)?”

Step Two: Passionate Actions Change requires movement. Rewiring happens when we take some action. We now understand that our personality has plasticity, although at one time it was believed that personality was set like plaster at age 30. Research on 1,208 personalities of ­14-year-olds (rated by their teachers) was compared to surveys of these same individuals when they turned 77. There was little resemblance to their teenage personalities!37 The “Big Five” traits of personality in research—conscientiousness, agreeableness, neuroticism, openness, and extraversion (CANOE)—are open to shifts in adulthood. Notably, women declined substantially in neuroticism (a pessimistic attitude characterized by anger, anxiety, and/or depression) throughout adulthood; men declined to a lesser extent. Men increased slightly in extraversion with age, while women decreased slightly. 38 As an encore adult it is not too late to rewire negative programming from younger years. You might encourage more expression of personality parts or roles that delight you. William Shakespeare’s As You Like It called the world a “stage” and told of each person “playing” many parts. The question to ask is, “How conscious am I of the personality parts I play every day?” •  Personality is how your innate temperament (in activity level and approachability) combines with learned qualities (as emotional responses and habits) to create your distinctive character. “Personality” (from Latin persona) likely stems from early Etruscan and Greek words. In early theater a persona was a mask worn by actors to signify a character or role. One actor could play several roles using different personas or masks. All of us use different parts/roles for dealing with different people or situations. COVID ­mask-wearing served as a reminder of protective personality parts. There are good reasons to rewire your personality ­story-house and evolve from negative plots through which you view yourself, others, and the world we share. Like domino moves, rewiring for positive thinking initiates complementary changes in the cells of our body. Remarkably, whole sections of genes appear considerably different in lonely people compared with people who are socially secure! When individuals can raise their optimism and deepen their social connections, their conscious happiness



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enhances both their biology and everyday functioning. Cell biologist Bruce Lipton relates that when we change a negative belief, we also change our blood’s neurochemical composition. Behavioral epigenetics reinforces how important it is to act from the sunny side of life: “positive perceptions of the mind enhance health by engaging immune functions, while … negative perceptions can create debilitating, chronic psychological stress that has a profound and negative impact on gene function.”39 You may think, “OK, but this is not easy.” Rewiring habitual thinking and behavior is challenging. It takes conscious intention to edit habitual, negative life stories. Remember, you have plasticity possibilities in your personality. Rewiring includes having “unconditional friendliness” for yourself. Consider Buddhist teacher Pema Chödrön’s explanation from one of her teachers: “making friends with myself meant seeing everything inside me, and not running away or turning my back on it.”40 Novelist James Baldwin observed: “Love takes off masks that we fear we cannot live without but that we know we cannot live within.” You can rewire actions that you know you can no longer live with easily. Greek philosopher Aristotle is attributed with this action lineup: “All human actions have one or more of these seven causes: chance, nature, compulsions, habit, reason, passion, desire.” Do not leave retire/rewire actions up to chance! Cultivate passion! Rewire your personality and ability skill set to evolve as you make ­d ay-to-day choices with more ­s elf-passion. You will have more peace in your life if you do not judge each emotion as “good” or “bad.” Accept all emotional parts as protectors.

Are You Stingy with Passion? People are not only stingy with their money; they are stingy with their love. And as surprising as this may seem, people are stingy with love for themselves! There is debate about how many days it takes for a change in behavior. Physician Christiane Northrup recommends practicing an affirmation for 21 straight days to ­jump-start a change. She recommends initial ­s weet-talk to yourself: “beloved, please change me into someone who loves myself fully.”41 Your words will take a different tone, but edit your words if you are swearing at yourself! It varies from person to person, but research on ­health-related changes shows an average of 66 days to set a new habit.42 If your chosen behavior change is linked to some passion you hold, you can make it happen with a ­g rowth-and-grit mindset and the compassion of your core self. Some feel stingy about having compassion for others.

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Part I—Loving Possibilities •  “Compassion” has a literal meaning of “suffering together.” While related to empathy, compassion has a slightly different meaning. When a person has empathy, there is a mirroring of another’s emotion. Empathy may take on others’ emotions and become distressful. Brain research has shown that empathic distress and compassion are rooted in different areas of the brain. Compassion encompasses empathic caring but goes further, involving an authentic desire to take helpful actions.43 Passion action has power, both for yourself and others. Jungian analyst Ann Belford Ulanov viewed wisdom as considering both/and relationships instead of opposing either/or pairings.44

Passion action shows up in diverse ways. An artist pours passion into paint; an engineer draws passion into designs. Kristin Neff, psychologist researcher of ­self-compassion, outlines the challenges of ­self-passion: “[we must] stop to recognize our own suffering … [our] pain comes from ­s elf-judgment … see these as moments of suffering … rather than condemning yourself … use the experience of suffering to soften your heart.”45 ­Self-compassion is a skill you can learn because you have practiced using compassion with others. Unlike ­self-criticism, which nags you about being good enough, ­self-compassion focuses on what is good for you. A circular kind of passion can form; you connect with the suffering of another while connecting more deeply with yourself. Neff offers a personal example: she uses ­self-compassion every day, as she embraces herself as mom of Rowan, her son with the impairment of autism. She allows herself to feel whatever emotions she feels. She says kind words to herself. She accepts herself unconditionally. When Neff’s son was four years old and banging his hand repeatedly at the playground, Neff detected a part of her personality complaining: “Why can’t I have a ‘normal’ child like everyone else? Why am I the only one who’s having such a hard time?” Just as quickly, Neff identified another voice inside herself: “I’m assuming that these (other) kids are going to grow up with carefree, unproblematic lives, that none of these mothers will have to struggle as they raise their children. But for all I know, some of these kids could grow up to develop serious mental or physical health issues, or just turn out to be not very nice people! There’s no child who’s perfect, and no parent who doesn’t go through some form of hardship or challenge with their children at one time or another.”46 Finding consciousness in the present moment, Neff embraced a deep connection with the other mothers at the park. At her acknowledgment and acceptance of her critical part, Neff was free to connect deeply with a wellspring of ­s elf-compassion. I call



1. Passion for Oneself37

this connection—with both ­s elf-compassion and compassion for others—becoming conscious of her core self or ­s elf-territory. Neff delivered ­s elf-compassion to opposing parts of her personality. “The passion for stretching yourself and sticking to it, even (or especially) when it’s not going well, is the hallmark of the growth mindset … that allows people to thrive during some of the most challenging times in their lives.”47 Neff ’s ­g rowth-and-grit mindset helped ­s elf-passion evolve. A retired grandmother shared how she took special classes so she could help her ­special-needs grandson. These compassionate women, one in midlife and one a beyonder, found ways to rewire their skill set regarding child difficulties. There is a ­flow-mode energy surge when you determine how to rewire and handle a difficult situation. Becoming conscious of ­self-territory, we can rewire our skill set to meet new goals. Yanni, Greek keyboardist/composer, recommends, “All you need is passion. If you have a passion for something, you’ll create the talent.” One seasoned citizen feels energized with her newfound passion: 74, female (retired nine years; volunteers with focus on human rights, peace/justice, and grandkids): “At first retirement meant not having to get up with the alarm clock but over the years a philosophy of retirement has evolved. This phase provides me with an opportunity to expand my horizons, explore various interests, make time to be more thoughtful and engaged with others, and have more time to sit calmly for moments for reflection and mindfulness…[I’m] thinking about my legacy and aging gracefully … before I retired, I was fearful of getting sick like many of my colleagues and not being able to enjoy retirement. I hoped for two years of retirement but here I am almost 10 years out and my life has been healthful, happy, and adventurous … talking to my peers, I realize that there are so many different ‘importants.’ My goals are to finish a book of my personal wisdom for my children and grandchildren; to travel … become more fluent in French; to stay healthy by eating better and staying fit; to read more; and to find a spiritual ‘happy place.’” It is important to develop a philosophy of retirement wisdom like this seasoned citizen. You may not conform to what people in your family and/or friend tribes do. While these individuals have ideas about who you are, you may have different ideas. Perhaps your focus is changing since retiring. Or you may not wish to delve any deeper. It is a possibility that people are content with where they are on life’s stage. There are many possibilities.

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Possibility Time Every person in this world represents something … that never existed before, something original and unique. Everyone’s foremost task is the actualization of their unique, unprecedented, and ­never-recurring possibilities. —Martin Buber, Austrian philosopher

To rewire, look for answers to questions. Many questions for seasoned citizens involve one’s identity. Interestingly, this was a pressing issue in our adolescence. Then life moved on. Some of us were so busy with school, friends, sports, ­part-time jobs, taking care of younger siblings (and/or parents), or any number of other captivating causes that we had little time or energy for ­soul-searching questions. Whether or not you grappled with questions at an earlier stage of your life, perhaps today is the time to provide some answers to the ­who-am-I (really) question. 1 .  Pretend that a nonjudgmental interviewer asks you, “Who are you at this age?” Jot down as many words and emotions as you can think of in a few minutes. You may add to your list later. Try not to censor anything. If some description pops into mind and you do not like what it conveys about you, write it anyway. Notice what you dislike! It is not all of your personality, just a part of who you are today. 2  .   If you imagine that you are leaving this life tomorrow, would you feel OK with what you have accomplished? Whether your answer is yes or no, what possibilities still exist for you? Write about passion action(s) that you wish to make happen today. 3 .  You may want to read your responses to a trusted other person. 4 .  What stands out to you when you reread your responses? Underline key words or phrases. Do not despair if you uncover some tough territory. All of us have wilderness territory. When you accept your personality in present time, you are more likely to find passion for yourself. Consider the words of Vietnamese Buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hanh: “People deal too much with the negative, what is wrong … why not try and see positive things, to just touch those things and make them bloom?”



1. Passion for Oneself39

In this chapter we began a focus on accepting your internal thoughts and emotions with consciousness and ­self-compassion. In Chapter 2 we investigate finding compassion for others.

2

Compassion for Others The most precious gift we can offer others is our presence. When mindfulness embraces those we love, they will bloom like flowers. —Thich Nhat Hanh, Vietnamese Buddhist monk My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style. —Maya Angelou, poet

Oprah Winfrey learned from thousands of interviews how much people treasure having someone listen to and appreciate their ­meaning-of-life events. From an incarcerated father who murdered his twins to a president of the United States, Oprah found that people she interviewed would ask her for affirmation at the end of the interview: “Was that OK?” American Canadian writer Carol Shields captured the essence of acknowledgment: “Life is an endless recruiting of witnesses. It seems we need to be observed in our postures of extravagance or shame, we need attention paid to us.”1 Acknowledging one another with respect, whether you find their ­life-story plots easy or difficult to hear, is vital to compassion. Compassion revolves in a ­360-degree circle. Compassionate respect is a gift that we give both to ourselves and to another. When we connect with another person with compassion, there is a possibility for ­co-regulation with ­back-and-forth exchanges. Compassionate communication has an energy that is passed from one person to another. Some individuals choose not to retire because they feel most energetic when on the job. Officer L.C. “Buckshot” Smith tried retirement from a ­4 6-year sheriff deputy position in Camden, Arkansas, but his retirement lasted only 30 days! He reinstated his employment and continued his pattern of arriving 15 minutes early for his shift every morning. At age 91 he knew nearly everyone in town and stopped to say hello to people on the street. When asked about making arrests over the years, 40



2. Compassion for Others41

Smith replied that he took more people home than to jail.2 ­Co-regulation is an important skill in law enforcement. Organizational behavior and human development researcher Linda Stroh and academic editor/writer Karen Brees offer results of three years of conversations with beyonders (ages 65+). Of nearly a thousand individuals studied, few ever had been asked about their emotions about aging! It is telling that participants expressed that their mental image of who they were had changed little over the decades. And yet, many reported a change in how they believed others perceived them as encore adults; they did not feel honored, respected, or valued, and even felt burdensome. Actress Sarah Jessica Parker and her costars of a 2021 revival of their successful Sex and the City series experienced a social media flurry of misogynist and ageist criticism—you may have guessed that wrinkles were one of the barbs hurled at the ­20-year changes in the women. One explanation for ­off-putting ageist attitudes brings up death: “older people may make some younger adults uncomfortable. The elderly are reminders of how fleeting life is, evoking fear in younger people who don’t want to be reminded of their own mortality.”3 We need to cultivate more compassion for aging in U.S. culture.

Compassion Cultivation At its best, compassionate communication becomes an interactive dance with each participant adjusting their responses based upon another’s perspective. Medical anthropologist and Zen teacher Joan Halifax attends to inmates, dying people in hospice, and ethnic tribes in faraway places such as the Himalayas. She perceives a deficit of compassion in today’s world, both in the West and in the East. It takes consciousness to have compassion, whether for yourself or for others. Halifax found that caring and compassion work best “[when] offered, given away, or shared. We cannot bank love; it grows as we give it away. The more we give it away, the greater our capacity for love.”4 Halifax recommends practicing compassion both for ourselves and for others through GRACE 5 steps. Notice how one first needs to attune to oneself (with ­self-passion) before practicing compassion with another person. G—Gather your attention. R—Recall your intention to have compassion. A—Attune first to yourself and then to the other person. C—Consider what will really serve. E—Engage.

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You may ask, “If I want to become happier, why focus on others?” Research suggests that we benefit from helping and giving to others. However, too much of a focus on others may lead to exhaustion. A study involving over 200 adults asked participants to do one of three activities. One group was assigned a “moral deed,” such as giving to charity or helping another person. A second group was asked to think “moral thoughts,” perhaps hoping for someone else’s success, while a third group was instructed to do something kind for themselves. Every evening (for ten days) the participants filled out surveys of their happiness, energy levels, emotions, purpose in life and how connected they felt to others. All three practices led to participants reporting some happiness, life satisfaction, and belongingness. However, only doing moral deeds and thinking moral thoughts led to empathy and gratitude that day. And only doing moral deeds led to feeling less angry, less isolated, more in control, and more purposeful. The unique benefit of being kind to oneself led participants to feel less exhausted.6 Belongingness is one of our basic needs.7 Mammals need to belong with others to ­c o-regulate their nervous systems, according to psychologist Stephen Porges. The cues we detect from the face and tone of voice of others are ­co-regulators that allow us to feel safe. Unable to fulfill belongingness with very many others is only one of the relationship problems that surfaced during the ­COVID-19 pandemic; the necessary social distancing and wearing of masks prohibited connections with others for optimal health.8 Psychologist Paul Ekman is a ­4 0-year researcher of the universality of human emotional behavior through mapping facial expressions. He tested individuals in more than 20 nations and found all of them to label human expressions of anger, fear, and happiness similarly. Even studies of children who were born blind and deaf can laugh, smile, and cry like typical children in similar circumstances. Emotions are hardwired.9 However, through research Ekman determined that each person’s emotional profile is unique, just like having a ­one-of-a-kind thumbprint. Some individuals become emotional quickly and with intensity—their emotions fade slowly—but others have an opposite intensity and response time. Those with ­f ast-rising emotional responses have a much harder experience in guiding when and how to express themselves. Ekman does not categorize compassion as an emotion for several reasons. He suggests that compassion needs to be grown: “compassion needs to be cultivated, while emotions do not … compassion once cultivated is an enduring feature of the person, while emotions come and go … compassion does not distort our perception of reality, while emotions do initially…[compassion] is not something that you can turn off. If you



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have become a compassionate person, it is there all the time, whenever you confront a situation that calls upon relieving suffering. Things that are permanent … are not emotions.” 10 Compassion is one of Schwartz’s Internal Family Systems’ eight ­C -words to define a steadfast core self. I view consciousness as a prerequisite to connecting with compassion, and we are more likely to act with compassionate actions when we have a growth mindset. One ­8 4-year-old participant in my Johnston Retirement Survey captured both compassion and consciousness in this response: “I want to learn to listen better to other people and to walk with them as a caring friend.” Awareness of compassionate belongingness makes your own life richer. Irish philosopher John O’Donohue used a long lens to picture belonging: “The child lives in the house of discovery. The unconscious innocence of the child assembles new experiences … brick by brick … innocence falls to ruins … in contrast to how a child belongs in the world, adult belonging is never as natural, innocent, or playful. Adult belonging has to be chosen, received, and renewed. It is a lifetime’s work.” 11 We adults too often protect ourselves from everyday belongingness without much consciousness. We place people in categories—old, young, skinny, fat, liberal, conservative, stingy, or generous. While this labeling is one way to protect ourselves from threatening interactions, it also limits us when there is no reason to feel threat. This ­fi xed-mindset focus stops us from learning anything important about another complex person. When you consider that you also are labeled with such categories by others, the awareness of this fact is bothersome.

Rewire ­Warm-Up For one human being to love another human being: that is perhaps the most difficult task that has been entrusted to us, the ultimate test and proof, the work for which all other work is merely preparation. —Rainer Maria Rilke, ­ Bohemian-Austrian poet, Letters to a Young Poet

1 .  When talking to another individual, instead of focusing on the roles you assign them or the grades you give their body, be conscious of their overall being. Initially you might try this exercise with someone who appears neutral to you. Next, try it with individuals who are partners, friends or family.

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2 .  Notice the numerous roles that may fit this person: i.e., son, brother, spouse, father, uncle, retiree, cancer survivor, golfer, neighbor, reader of mysteries, and supporter of charities. What emotions do they frequently act upon? 3 .  Just as you experience many thoughts about them, recognize that they also have their list of thoughts and emotions about you. How do you think they categorize you? 4 .  Be conscious of internal changes within you—perhaps you worry at one moment and feel relieved soon afterward. Consider that such rapid changes also occur in the other person. Recognize that pleasure versus pain, and joy versus sorrow, are just as keen in others. Such recognition calls for humility. Offer the other person the gifts of respect and acceptance of their complexities. If you are comfortable talking about what you have discovered, share your perspective with them. The real test of holding an open consciousness is when you do this with a challenging individual, perhaps a “difficult” family member or obnoxious former/current colleague.

An Awakened Heart Saint Hildegard, German Benedictine abbess (1098–1179), identified compassion with wisdom and activity.12 Buddhist nun Pema Chödrön explains compassion today as an “awakened heart,” defined as being free from whatever might hold you back from helping others. Chödrön characterizes compassion as being conscious or “fully awake to your deepest nature.” If you read these lines with skepticism, know that the skeptical part of you is just one part of your personality, not all of it. I have a skeptical part as well, but not for the words of Chödrön. She has studied and meditated for decades on viewing others with compassion. She admits that she once felt under attack all the time but was able to relinquish aggressive retaliation; she now views others with positive feelings. Chödrön asks a rhetorical question: “Is that because I have less aggression or because they’re actually nicer?”13 You might guess her answer. Both/and applies again. Names we call others can affect our ­well-being. Consciousness of a compassionate core self, or whatever you choose to call it, has a profound effect on how you perceive and treat your outer world. Your reactions affect others’ reactions. In case you remain skeptical of all this attention to ­self-passion and



2. Compassion for Others45

compassion for others, consider longitudinal research following the lives of 268 male Harvard graduates and 456 men from the poorest neighborhoods of Boston. The men were interviewed repeatedly about their lives, along with enduring brain scans and blood samples. Psychiatrist and director emeritus George Vaillant spent three decades studying the men’s development. The fourth and current director of the study, Robert Waldinger, is a psychiatrist and Zen priest. The $20 million Harvard Study of Adult Development, originally funded by entrepreneur and philanthropist William T. Grant, originated during the Great Depression. Instead of focusing on pathology, the research emphasis was on predicting successful aging: is it physical endowment, childhood social privilege, or early love that makes a difference?14 Some men were career climbers, while others struggled with work. One man became president of the United States—John F. Kennedy. The study is ongoing, including the men’s children, and the results may surprise you. Along with demonstrating that people can grow substantially, as human growth continues throughout midlife and beyond, it was warm, intimate relationships—and the ability to foster them in later life—that predicted flourishing in all aspects of these men’s lives. These findings applied to both Harvard graduates and ­inner-city participants. Those most satisfied with their relationships in their lives at age 50 were the healthiest at age 80.15 The history of one participant is compelling. He lacked ­self-passion. At age 32 he considered suicide. At 35, he had a health scare which was life changing. Hospitalized for 14 months in a veterans’ hospital with pulmonary tuberculosis, his first reaction was relief: “It’s neat; I can go to bed for a year, do what I want, and get away with it…. I was glad to be sick.” His ­O vercoming-the-Monster plot of illness turned out to be a time of being cared for, which was a welcome change from his bleak childhood years. When asked at age 70 what he had learned from his children, he became emotional. “I haven’t stopped learning from them,” he blurted out through tears; “I learned love!” When his daughter was interviewed years later, she described her dad as an exemplary father. Love is a ­t wo-way street. The Harvard study results did not find status, financial success, or the amount of exercise as defining factors of a fulfilling and happy life; instead, it was belonging in relationships that kept the men happier and healthier. For those in retirement ages, the happiest individuals were those who made new friends when they lost touch with previous work friends. Happiness is homegrown passion—both for oneself and for others. Several ­g rowth-and-grit lessons are key: •  As we become better able to endure life’s challenges, our coping mechanisms mature. Mental health improves into the seventh decade in the absence of illness.

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Part I—Loving Possibilities •  Our daily paths are filled with ruts. No one is doomed, but no one has it made either. People can change; a difficult childhood is not destiny. •  What goes right is more important than what goes wrong—the quality of a child’s total experience (not any one trauma or any one relationship) undergirds adult functioning. •  The key influence by far on a flourishing life is love—not early love exclusively, and not necessarily romantic love.16

It is not only difficult relationships or illnesses that unsettle people. Stress accumulates for seasoned citizens when there is perceived boredom. Financial security is not the sole reason an encore adult decides not to retire. According to a TD Ameritrade survey, 10 percent of Boomers returned to work due to boredom.17 A recently retired ­67-year-old Boomer reported on my Retirement Survey how surprised she was to find that her ­much-anticipated retirement did not go as planned. She described retirement as “great at first, without stress,” but she lapsed into a different ­stress-filled life from previous job distress when she later felt “bored and unfulfilled … [with] too much free time.” Similarly, a ­77-year-old man had looked forward to a “­stress-free life,” only to discover, after ten years of retirement, “it [is] difficult to fill up the many hours of the day or night.” Some seasoned citizens connect more to electronic devices than to people. Their solo recreation is digital instead of familial, even though family members are in the next room.18 Fix any of your boredom potholes.

Passion That Resonates with Another (or Not) One ­73-year-old woman’s compassion for her spouse was evident in her response to the pre–COVID ­blessings-of-retirement question: “More time with my spouse is great! It also uses more time than I expected, but we continue to learn ways to make space for each other.” This is rewiring! Happily, several individuals commented on how they became closer to their spouse during the pandemic shutdown. However, others do not cherish their aging relationships. I met a seasoned citizen in a restaurant checkout lane pre–COVID; casually she began speaking of her marriage of 58 years. When I congratulated her, she looked at me with a downturned face, replying, “It isn’t easy.” She quickly recovered, as if telling a stranger might be ­off-limits. ­Half-smiling, she added, “My husband says only 25 years have been happy, and not consecutive years!” We both laughed, but it is not so funny. It accurately describes some ­long-term marriages. A moment later this beyonder chatted about her grandson complaining that life is not fair. She told him, “You are right. Life is not fair … and then you



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die.” Later, she talked about her grandson copying her words, “Life is not fair,” but he stopped abruptly. The “d” word scares every age. Another scary event is abuse. It is estimated that 4.3 million Americans ages 65+ are physically abused, financially exploited, or neglected by a caregiver each year; other countries report even higher incidences.19 As many as 60 percent of wives of Japanese retirees suffer from physical problems—stomach ulcers, tension headaches, depression, and other symptoms of stress—that are referred to as “Retired Husband Syndrome” (RHS, named by physician Nobuo Kurokawa). These women were raised to be traditional housewives and subservient to husbands. While the traditional husbands previously worked (and socialized after work), now they are home 24–7 and barking orders at their wives. They refuse any household chores. Some become physically abusive. The stressed women call their retired husbands derogatory names like “sodaigomi” (oversized garbage) and “nureochiba” (wet fallen leaf). The husbands reportedly resent the time that their wives devote to female friends. The number of RHS wives is growing due to Japan’s high number of seasoned citizens, contributing to the “gray divorce” rate of couples (married 20+ years) as the fastest rate in that country.20 My guess is that these RHS men might relate to French philosopher Voltaire’s lines: “‘You’re a bitter man,’ said Candide. ‘That’s because I’ve lived,’ said Martin.” Much has been written about marriage and partnerships, but little of this literature pertains to the retire/rewire population. For example, studies have linked choice of a life partner to relationship satisfaction and career success. There are a few intriguing studies about seasoned couples. The emotional connection one has with a spouse can impact one’s longevity. Holland researcher Olga Stavrova analyzed data on 4,300 couples from the University of Michigan’s Health and Retirement Study (ages 50+) to consider the relationship between a spouse’s current life satisfaction and their partner’s survival over the next eight years. When an individual’s partner rated as happy in life satisfaction, that person had a 13 percent lower chance of dying within these eight years. And yes, one’s own happiness was also tied to their chances of living longer.21 Happiness often coexists with belongingness. Socrates (470–399 bc) is attributed with this twist: “By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.” It makes me wonder about Socrates’s compassion meter. Was he a “good” husband? A study by William Chopik and Ed O’Brien found that simply having a happy partner can enhance one’s health as much as striving to be happy oneself. In a sample of nearly 2,000 couples, a person’s own happiness predicted better ­self-health (and exercise habits) as well as better health for one’s partner.22 Remember the chewing gum ad: “Double your pleasure, double your fun!” Satisfying relationships have emotional resonance.

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Psychiatrist Dan Siegel explains: “Resonance makes two a part of one system, at least temporarily. Attuning to ourselves within mindful states, we have the observing and experiencing self in resonance. Attuning to others, we open ourselves to the profound adventure on linking…[as] one interactive whole…[in] an intimate communion of the essence of who we are as individuals yet truly interconnected with one another … we are part of a larger whole, [in] that we need one another … we are created by the ongoing dance within, between, and among us.”23 Compassion is a cornerstone for this ­self-to-self dance. Compassion describes what happens in your mimicking ­dance-move “mirror” neurons when you form a mental image of what is going on in another’s brain: “Mirror neurons are proof of our instant connection … brain circuits in your head are turned on when they ‘reflect’ (like a mirror) my movement, intention, and emotions when you are near me … something between you and me ‘transmits’ this information … a line of communication is open … and the effect is instant.”24 When you enlist a conscious and compassionate core self, you can free yourself from confusion. However, there are blocks to the ­m irror-neuron dance. When Martin Luther King, Jr., visited India in 1959, he initially was distraught to hear himself described as a “fellow untouchable,” a person of the lowest possible caste. However, upon compassionate reflection, King realized that the 20 million African American folks that he was leading to secure civil rights were treated as if they were a lower caste in America.25 King gathered a ­g rowth-and-grit mindset; he mirrored and modeled Gandhi’s courageous nonviolent approach. Unfortunately, mirroring and positive connections do not occur for all. For example, when couples live together for decades, perhaps sharing ­child-raising with demanding careers, there is a transition in relating when kids leave home and/or individuals retire. Problems occur when one or both partners take an ­ego-driven stance rather than a “­pro-relationship” approach.26 Often, there is unevenness in couples’ transitioning goals. One partner may catch a second wind, desiring a new career that involves travel, while the other prefers to kick back and stay home. Another ­out-of-sync issue involves differences of where to live; one may desire a ­year-round warm climate while the other wants to live where the grandkids live.27 Some rifts are so intense that a friendship/romantic relationship severs.

Severed Relationships The loss of a best friend can cause as much suffering as losing a romantic relationship. Both relationships carry the emotional intimacy



2. Compassion for Others49

of knowing one another’s hopes and heartbreaks. Swiss psychologist Carl Jung experienced relationship severing with a significant friend, Sigmund Freud. Jung understood belongingness: “The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.”28 Jung was 37 when he and his ­56-year-old buddy parted ways; Jung described his loss in poignant detail: “a period of inner uncertainty began for me … a state of disorientation. I felt totally suspended in ­m id-air, for I had not found my own footing.”29 Relationship changes stimulate positive transformation and/or end up as loss for one or both parties. Losing a significant relationship can feel like a death. Zen teacher Geri Larkin explains the pain: “Nobody seems to talk about this or how much it can hurt, especially when we lose a best friend. Not through death, although that is killer heartbreak, but by the simple withdrawal of their friendship … he or she moves on. Without us.”30 If you were blindsided in the severing process, you may have hurt and/or angry personality parts. And yet, you keep aspects of former relationships; you may keep precious memories and previous feelings of caring. You experienced a shared history of a certain “growing up.” You tested your ­g rowth-and-grit mindset. When you can see beyond a failed relationship as a time of some aspect of growth, you can turn to new possibilities. British American poet W.H. Auden suggested advice for relationships without equal closeness—be the more loving person. Notice that loving is not assigned a particular direction; you may need to work on your passion for yourself before you can turn on compassion toward others. You might feel like a sidelined actor on stage at times, as you cannot control other people. However, you are both the playwright and leading actor in your own personality. Rewire. Create new life plots. Detaching from compassion is not easy, but it is likely to happen for all of us. It may happen as you distinguish your emotions from the emotions of another person. The Hazelden Betty Ford Foundation advises questioning individuals about their relationship with an addicted person: “What are your needs beyond the needs of the alcoholic or addict? How can you take care of yourself even if the person you love chooses not to get help?” Individuals juggle basic needs daily, but they often are at odds with others’ timeframes of meeting needs. Birthright needs— energy, discipline, creativity, belonging, and ability—relate to your instinctual need for survival. When daily needs go unmet, ennui, disorder, conformity, the “blues,” and apathy take over. 31 If you are a parent, you know that you cannot control how your children meet their needs. Influence is not control. If you are a partner or spouse, you know that each person has influence, but not control over another (even if you want to stop them from

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harm). Most partners and spouses have diverse viewpoints on many topics. In fact, marriage researcher John Gottman sees value in conflict: “conflict usually arises from missed attempts to communicate, especially in one person attempting to get emotionally closer to the other [or] from discrepancies between partners in expectations … it’s diversity that makes relationships interesting. We are not looking for our clones.”32 However, relationship conflicts challenge your compassion meter and it may burn out, as in the case of divorce. On a less contentious level, you may become frustrated with your beloved and simply withdraw your compassion for a reflection time. Another significant time for detaching from compassion is when a worker or volunteer becomes too emotionally involved with clients; if the client fails, the worker/volunteer may personalize the failure.33 Surgeon Atul Gawande admits that medicine has “dazzling successes but also frequent failures”; simple checklists can focus a medical team’s ­co-regulation to prevent errors.34 Families may need ­meeting-basic-needs checklists. Consider how male chimpanzees settle conf licts with one another. Dutch American primatologist Frans de Waal studied the unique ways in which differences are put behind them, literally. After a fight two males reconcile by grooming each other’s anus—sometimes performing this ­rear-end-licking grooming ritual on each other at the same time, followed by grooming each other’s faces. If this ritual is not performed in a timely fashion, a powerful female chimp might tug at the arm of a perpetrator to initiate this reunion if the fight buddies seem reluctant!35 While such behavior may not end human fights, it does suggest the necessity for reconciliation rituals. Humans are more likely to yell to a foe, “You can kiss my a__!” Humans are often clueless in finding positive relationship repairs, although de Waal’s studies show reconciliation occurring in all social creatures—from rats to dolphins, wolves to elephants—even in birds. 36 Some reckoning is needed to handle one’s own strong emotions within oneself. Chimpanzee moms reconcile grief when they lose a newborn through excessive rocking, ­s elf-clutching, refusal of food, and incredible screaming. Do these behaviors sound familiar?

Possibility Time It was wrong: it was unfair and cruel … he suffered time after time in memory the same humiliation until he began to wonder … —James Joyce, Irish novelist, A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man



2. Compassion for Others51 Rewire your communication to include passion for yourself and compassion for others. Psychologist Rick Hanson suggests “10,000 causes upstream led [a person] … to do whatever they did. Be careful about assuming it was intentional; much of the time you’re just a bit player in other people’s drama … take responsibility for your own part in the matter … you can have compassion and forgiveness for others while still seeing their actions as unskillful, harmful, unfair, or immoral.”37 If you search for what to say to another when you are upset, try these words: 1 .  When you … (State simple facts, and not from anger: “you’re a jerk!”) 2 .  A part of me feels … (Share your tender part, such as “insecure,” and not your blaming part: “you liar!”) 3 .  Because I need … (Explain your needs: “I need respectful belonging.”) When we tell another person how we feel in a situation, we give parts of our personality a voice. We might even discover a part that was hidden from our consciousness previously.

A Nation of Healers Canadian American columnist David Brooks travels extensively around the U.S. and meets people of every age and from every socioeconomic group. Due to ­s tressed-out individuals he kept meeting, he initiated “Weave—The Social Fabric Project” in 2018. Brooks defines “weaving” as caring behaviors that weave into every interaction with another; one is open and loving without regard to receive anything in return. Brooks met people who shared his concerns about loneliness and despair in Americans. He cites the 55,000 people who are dying of opioid addiction every year and an additional 45,000 individuals committing suicide every year. Brooks calls upon a “nation of healers” where belonging relationships are valued at life’s center: “We are born into relationships, and the measure of our life is in the quality of our relationships. We precedes me.” 38 All ages join the #WeaveThePeople movement. For Brooks, weaving is an effort to build belonging connections that make people feel valued. This is rewiring territory. Remember the definition for rewire (see Introduction); one meaning of “wire” (from Latin verb viere) is “to weave.” Weaving is an ancient art. The Greek goddess Athena

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was a weaver and a symbol of wisdom. An artistic weaving has pattern and passion. Here are Brooks’s Weaver patterns: •  •  •  • 

Treat neighbors as family regardless of outward differences; Find meaning and joy in connection and caring for others; Resist the ­hyper-individualism of modern culture; and Demonstrate values of love, empathy, and compassion.39

Values are the building blocks for all behavior. One of my favorite artists is ­Texan-born Amado Maurilio Peña, Jr., a man of Mexican/Yaqui ancestry and values. Peña’s work celebrates his ancestors who negotiated tough times in life. Peña’s ­self-proclaimed values are close identification with the land, strong family ties, and a powerful respect for elders. Although my cultural identity is European and British Isles, and I grew up in Midwest farmlands, these are my values also. When we overcome our notion that people from different cultures are so “different” from each other, perhaps we can rewire as “weavers” of compassion to care for one another and our shared planet. We will address the topic of values more in Chapter 5. A German proverb teaches: “Shared pain is half the pain, and shared joy is twice the joy.” Sharing is critical in the encore time of life. I asked in my Retirement Survey: “Who might you share the gift of retirement with this year? Check as many as you like: Partner / Children / Grandchildren / Greater family / Friends / Pet / Less fortunate / Myself / Community / Country / Planet.” Many seasoned citizens responded similarly to Brooks’s Weavers in sharing their time with caretaking of others, especially parents, grandchildren and friends. Others reported volunteering in their communities: 59, male (works 40 hours/week; volunteers 8 hours/week): “[I am] not retired yet, but retirement [is] a time to give back to those in need.” 60, female (retired 5 years; volunteers 4 hours/week): “I first found volunteer website work with the Pro Bono Network, a great program of matching skills and needs.” 71, male (retired 6 years; volunteers 3 hours/week): “to help people whenever they need help.” 71, female (retired 16 years; volunteers 20 hours/week): “It’s a time to finish well … by intentionally continuing to grow and invest in others, especially family and the next generation.” 72, male (retired 3 years; volunteers 6 hours/week): “Time available to help somebody.” 73, female (retired 12 years, volunteers 4 hours/week): “I am so pleased to have been able to accomplish what I set out to do … [I



2. Compassion for Others53 have] time to do things without having to exhaust my energies. I loved my profession, but I gave all my energy to it … [retirement] should be a time for giving back, for helping others, for renewal, and reconnecting with others…. I was so grateful to have had the time to help take care of my late parents when they were at the end of their lives.” 74, female (retired 17 years; volunteering varies): “I’m grateful I was available to help my mom … [and] to be of service to my church.” 80, male (retired 3 times; volunteering varies): “Close friends are more important than before … [I have] opportunities to do favors for others.” 81, female (retired 26 years): “[Caretaking] … a lot of elder care followed by husband care.”

Similarly, my ­follow-up survey found that individuals were able to realize “gifts” and be grateful in spite of difficult pandemic times: 61, female: “I feel gifted by our weekly family Zoom meetings with extended family and consequently I am much closer to them.” 70, male: “I have been on Zoom with my 10 siblings almost every week of the pandemic. This has led to us becoming closer … we designed a game, ‘How well do you know your siblings?’ which went on for 11 weeks.” 74, female: “I learned how to set up Zoom meetings and that I can adjust to new situations.” 75, male: “[I spent time] studying Japanese, volunteering with the organizations I worked with before the pandemic.” 76, male: “[I’m grateful for] scientists developing several vaccines in a very short period of time.” 77, female: “[I] appreciate my good health, appreciate my husband and family; [I have] increased patience.” 78, male: “[The pandemic] brought me to explore many ideas and projects that I did not have the time to pursue previously…. I love to learn and so far nothing can stop that.” 81, female: “I’m lucky to have a ­l ive-in partner.” Seasoned citizen health and ­well-being is different for each person; it is especially challenging when adult children live in a different state from parents who require caretaking. Joy Loverde, consultant in eldercare, describes eldercare as requiring time travel—remembering the past but imagining the future. Planning ahead avoids some pitfalls.40 Psychologist Michael Poulin researched the links between helping others, stress, and mortality rates among 846 individuals (ages 34–93) in Detroit.

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Participants were followed over a ­five-year period and were asked if they had experienced any stressful events and if they spent any time helping others. Stressful events had a correlation to mortality, but only for those who had not engaged in altruism or acting unselfishly for others!41 The individuals who had helped friends or family members had reduced mortality rates, regardless of their own stressful events which included burglary, job loss, financial difficulties or death of a family member. Social isolation has a cost similar to the cost for high blood pressure, smoking, and a sedentary lifestyle. Compassion for others can prolong your life! Some individuals seem stymied about looking outside of their immediate family for compassionate actions that they might take. When you do not know what to do next, consider that your uncertainty part is just a pause button, a reminder that it is time to rewire. Brain researcher and psychiatrist Srini Pillay explains that the brain is addicted to past actions. Family first is a good value, but your encore years are a time to consider many possibilities. Pillay views unfocused time as important, as it can lead you to possibilities. We need both focused and unfocused time in our days; unfocused minutes act as a distraction filter, a crucial ingredient in keeping you focused! Our amazing brains can synchronize with one another automatically without our focus. For example, when people watch a movie together, their brain waves connect just as the world connects over distance with cellphones and the internet.42 Your ­g rowth-and-grit mindset connects with others too. You may become very engaged in retire/rewire years; first you become a parts detective for your personality, and then you become a relationship scientist for the personalities around you! Both activities involve creativity and rewiring.

Cooperation in Nature Not only are our body and personality parts all connected, but nature’s diversity has fascinating connections. Mexican American psychologist Dacher Keltner finds a biological basis for compassion, as compassion is essential for human survival.43 Bruce Lipton challenges notions of our competitive nature; he believes that biologists too often have ignored the importance of cooperation: “You may consider yourself an individual, but as a cell biologist, I can tell you that you are in truth a cooperative community of approximately 50 trillion ­single-celled citizens.” Lipton points out the many ways in which cooperation serves the planet’s species well. One example of cooperation is between yellow shrimp and goby fish.44 While the shrimp goes fishing for food, the goby fish protects the shrimp from predators. Similarly, consider how bees and plants connect in



2. Compassion for Others55

coevolution, a ­you-scratch-my-back-and-I’ ­l l-scratch-yours togetherness. A bee and an apple tree have a coevolutionary bargain: the bee receives food while it transports apple genes. Similarly, people are givers and takers. People plant seeds to grow plants, but plants bear fruit crucial for people’s survival: “plants are nature’s alchemists, expert at transforming water, soil, and sunlight into an array of precious substances … from plants come chemical compounds that nourish and heal and poison and delight the senses, others that rouse and put to sleep and intoxicate … a few … alter consciousness.”45 People may trample plants, but plants are our lifeline. Recall the story of John Chapman (Johnny Appleseed), who collected apple seeds from the leftovers of apple pulp at the back door of cider mills and redistributed those seeds wherever he traveled. He was one of many pioneers who planted America’s apple orchards for future generations. Chapman had grit. He planted nurseries from western Pennsylvania through central Ohio and into Indiana. Like so many other topics, patience is necessary for coevolution—it takes 10 years for an apple tree to bear fruit. Now that you have lived a few decades, what are the seeds that you planted throughout life? Which of your actions were fruitful? Were you compassionate at that time? In Radical Compassion, psychologist Tara Brach outlines three characteristics to be “present,” a prerequisite for compassion: wakefulness (or consciousness), openness, and tenderness.46 Practice being in the present moment with these characteristics. When you rewire for compassionate responses to others, you become conscious of even more possibilities. Compassion is not meant to fatigue you; it may rejuvenate you! It is when you are not compassionate that you may suffer. Emotional intelligence proponent Daniel Goleman explains, “­self-absorption … kills empathy, let alone compassion. When we focus on ourselves, our world contracts as our problems and preoccupations loom large. But when we focus on others, our world expands. Our own problems drift to the periphery of the mind and so seem smaller, and we increase our capacity … compassionate action.”47 But what is happening when you cannot find any caring or compassion for a particular person?

A Compassionate Self versus Passion on Lockdown Good relationships take consciousness and compassion. It is challenging to show compassion for those we disagree with; it is as though passion is on lockdown. When the part of your personality that shows caring takes a hike around certain people, how do you reengage your capacity for any compassion? First, ask how you view your personality part that

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is defending you from getting too close to another. Can you be curious about that part of you? What name would you give that part? Is it a fearful or insecure part? Any label that sounds right to you to describe what keeps you from feeling compassion is OK. You are the scriptwriter who names your own personality parts. Getting to know your personality well will help you in all future relating with others. Some people call an overseeing manager part of their personality their “ego.” This word is confused with a core self. •  “Ego” (from Latin) literally means “I.” It is an opinionated part that often speaks for you, especially relating to your abilities and intelligence. A common usage includes, “His job gives his ego a boost.” As Jungian analyst Robert Johnson explains, this “I” only refers to a small sector of ourselves.48 Carl Jung differentiated ego from self. He believed in a universal center of personality or self.49 “Intellectually the self … transcends our powers of comprehension. It might equally be called the ‘God within us’ … all our highest and ultimate purposes seem to be striving towards it … the self is our life’s goal, for it is the completest expression of … individuality, the full flowering not only of the single individual, but of the group, in which each adds his portion to the whole.”50 Psychologist Judith Jordan expands on interdependence embedded within ­self-meaning: “When empathy and concern flow both ways, there is an intense affirmation of the self and, paradoxically, a transcendence of the self, a sense of the self as part of a larger relational unit. The interaction allows for a relaxation of the sense of separateness; the other’s ­well-being becomes as important as one’s own.”51 •  The term “self ” in this book is based upon the above ideas, but is best described by family therapist Dick Schwartz: “at the core … [is] a state of mind … people called [this] their true Self … they describe feeling centered, a state of calm ­well-being and lightheartedness … ­open-hearted … being in the present … they lose their sense of separateness and feel an exhilarating connection … this state is similar to what people describe when they meditate. A similar experience has been reported by participants in a variety of human activities, from various sports to other creative endeavors … the Self is not only a passive witness to one’s life; it can also be an active leader, both internally and externally.”52 Schwartz describes a core self as a connection to healthy attachment. From a ­self-compassionate and ­secure-attachment sense it is possible to accept all parts of your personality. From a core self you can correct mistakes in how you treat yourself and others. I view an ego part in terms of



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having concern for your issues, but a core self encompasses a larger reality to include compassion for oneself and others. The Mohegan Native Americans teach their children how to treat relatives with respect; they also teach that everyone is a “relative.” Brooks’s weavers also value interdependence. Inclusive compassion is an example of a core self in action. In the stories writers tell, in both books and movies, Christopher Booker builds upon Jung’s universal definitions: “On the one hand there are the forces [in stories] making for disintegration, confusion … and ultimately death. These are all centered on the ego. On the other are all those forces which are urging both central figure and story towards wholeness … to the point where he or she can at last realize their complete identity. What these have in common is that they are centered not on the ego but on something much deeper in the human personality, something ­a ll-connecting, something universal. This ultimate state of wholeness…. Jung and others have called the Self.” In Booker’s lifetime of analyzing stories, he found some story characters as lacking ­self-meaning: “[they are] frozen in immaturity … incapable of making any contact with the deeper Self.” Booker suggested that such characters cannot grasp the significance of others’ lives; generally, they do not fare well by the story’s end.53 I realize that such characters in novels suffered from early trauma and were unable to find repairing relationships later. ­Post-trauma, an individual’s behavior reflects “a defensive bias … [they lose] the resilience to return to a state of safety,” according to psychologist Stephen Porges.54 Story characters (usually based upon real people) may have their passion on lockdown. Perhaps one reason that people are drawn to reading novels and seeing movies is to search for characters who transform, breaking out of their protective lockdown and discovering a sense of wholeness or ­s elf-meaning. It is not enough to focus on individual freedom. Austrian psychiatrist and neurologist Viktor Frankl’s wisdom on wholeness affirms interdependence: “Individuality can only be valuable when it is not individuality for its own sake but individuality for the human community.” This community includes everyone from ancestors onward. Our legacy stories affirm a shared humanity. Ysaye Maria Barnwell, composer and singer with Sweet Honey in the Rock, sang: “We are one.”

I-Thou Relationships Relating well with compassion for others takes the consciousness of the fittest. The most useful compassion description I have found is from Austrian Jewish philosopher Martin Buber. He differentiated I-Thou relating, or accepting the other person as sacred, from I-It relating, where

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people treat others more as objects useful for one’s benefit. In I-Thou relationships there is a genuine dialogue where you discuss issues with another with your “whole being.”55 Such conscious relating can remove arbitrary boundaries between individuals. If both partners in a relationship believe in I-Thou dialoguing, they stop themselves from projecting their own painful stories onto the other. Blaming of the other happens without much consciousness. The ability to “catch yourself ” when you are projecting your plots onto others is an aspect of rewiring. Every one of us needs to have the consciousness to ask periodically, “In what ways do I need to do something differently? How am I compassionate to others’ concerns?” Too many relationships lack this compassionate ability to see what each person might change to make improvements (that could be helpful to both parties). Rather, Buber found that people default into I-It monologues, where they talk at others and not with others. In such relating, genuine emotions are not expressed and true sharing is compromised. An I-Thou dialogue has both mutuality and connection; relating is considered as precious time. For many, I-It relationships are filled with stories of hurt and suffering. If love can be blind, Buber also views hate as blinding: “Hate remains blind by its very nature; one can hate only part of a being.”56 Your angry part of your personality serves a protective function for you. But holding onto anger and hating all parts of another person ends up hurting you most of all. This could lead to living a life with Revenge as your defining plot. Buber’s philosophy of ­quality-relating has a story plot of Tragedy behind it. At age three, he lost his mother and his family home. His mother simply disappeared one day. Suddenly he found himself living with grandparents, who never brought up his mother’s name. Buber was 14 when he returned to live with his father, who had remarried. Buber did not see his mother for 30 years, as she had moved away to Russia with an army officer and had more children. He coined a new word, “mismeeting,” to describe the loss of a “real meeting between people.”57 How many individuals can identify with childhood abandonment and/or mismeeting in ­child-parent relating? Buber is an example of someone who had a ­g rowth-and-grit mindset. He grappled with loss and endorsed a philosophy of living that has helped many to understand the importance of being a total participant, open and compassionate, in relationships. In I-Thou relating, there is an enhancement and acceptance of the other, likely a missing link in Buber’s early family. He is widely quoted today from religious circles to collaborative work groups. I-Thou relationships include both the nonverbal communication of conscious listening (smiling, eye contact, mirroring, and free of



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distracting behaviors—such as checking one’s cell phone) and verbal communication (positive reinforcing of the other, questioning, reflecting, and clarifying points of view). For historian Theodore Zeldin, conscious relating is inclusive: “[dialoguing] back and forth until an intimacy develops, and the other individual’s concerns become his or her own.”58 This realization has ancient roots in East Asian Buddhism’s Heart Sutra. While the earliest version of this wisdom manuscript exists on a palm leaf (kept in the Tokyo National Museum in Japan), it is believed that the Heart Sutra was initially composed in China.59 In the opening lines there is a teaching about “emptiness.” While becoming “empty” may not sound much like wisdom, the intended meaning is about the emptiness of boundaries. Zen teacher Norman Fischer explains that the Heart Sutra’s message is the necessary first step to becoming a compassionate person: “Emptiness and compassion go hand in hand. Compassion as … me over here, being compassionate to you over there, is simply too clunky and difficult. If I am going to be responsible to receive your suffering and do something about it…. I will soon be exhausted. But if I…recognize that my suffering and your suffering are one suffering … then I can do it. I can be boundlessly compassionate and loving … living this teaching takes time and effort, and maybe we never entirely arrive at it. But it’s a joyful, heartfelt path worth treading.”60 This interpretation of compassion is what Buber may have intended. Like Buber, poet Mary Oliver had a keen focus both on asking questions and paying attention. In the title piece of her final essay collection, Upstream, Oliver links attention with devotion. Oliver had many reasons to give her full devotion to nature and to link that devoted attention to poetry. Like Buber, the young Oliver knew about abandonment. In childhood she needed a ride from a stranger when her father did not pick her up from ice skating: “He had simply, he said, forgotten that I existed.”61 It is no wonder that Oliver wrote poignantly about being in the present moment. Her searing images about nature capture both survival and grieving themes; while she refers to sorrow with dearness, the reader understands that her message is about holding compassion for oneself as well as others in tough times. In this chapter we extended our compassion for ourselves to include significant others. In Chapter 3 we take these concepts even further to understand how we might tend and befriend people beyond our friend and family homes.

3

Be a Tender Befriender Weeds happen. They pop up in our minds in many forms. Random thoughts. Angry thoughts. Worried thoughts. Fantasies. They move like storm fronts through our brains … it takes guts to admit we are fond of these storms of emotion. —Geri Larkin, Zen teacher, Plant Seed, Pull Weed: Nurturing the Garden of Your Life When people think of keeping their youth as they age, they often think too physically, materially, and literally. They get ­face-lifts but not personality lifts. —Thomas Moore, spiritual writer, Ageless Soul

It is a paradox how human development occurs. Psychologist Alison Gopnik states that the role of parents (and other caregivers) is to transform a dependent baby into an independent and autonomous adult.1 What happens decades down life’s lane is often a reversal of this caretaking— the seasoned citizen may be the one wearing the diapers that need changing. An issue for encore adults is the real need for parent and/or partner caretaking. As Gopnik notes, “We end up caught in the same double bind in our care of the old that we do in our care of the young. Either we have to find the time to care by not working ourselves, or we have to find the money to pay other people to do it … [however] the people who take care of the old, like those that take care of the young, are among the lowest paid in the country.”2 Where can we find tender befrienders for our precious young and beloved beyonders when our culture does not value caretakers? While many seasoned citizens prefer to live in their own homes, some will require 24–7 assistance as they age. Illness and ensuing bodymind competency issues make considerable caretaking a necessity, as in the case of physical frailty and/or dementia. Befriending such conditions challenges both the encore adult and their family members. For all of us who are fortunate to retain our cognitive functioning as we age, we must tend our basic needs—energy, discipline, creativity, belonging, ability—and 60



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rewire our personality parts to meet these needs to live as robustly as possible. Thomas Moore’s notion of a “personality lift” is another way of describing rewiring. In both retirement planning and transitioning ­post-retirement we can benefit from rewiring, especially in stressful times of bodymind decline. Psychologist Shelley Taylor and her research team at UCLA identified the unique stress response beyond ­fight-flight-freeze instincts, which she termed “­tend-and-befriend.” Befriending is making and maintaining compassionate ties. Tending relates to nurturing oneself and others (especially offspring and beyonders), to both ensure safety and reduce distress. Unencumbered by long work hours, grandparents report many rewarding tending times with precious grandchildren. The ­tend-and-befriend response is more prevalent in females than males due to the hormone oxytocin. Taylor explains an evolutionary reason for females’ responsiveness: tending in times of stress increases survival of both females and their offspring, increasing the chances of subsequent reproduction. Estrogen increases the effects of oxytocin already in excess in females as compared with males. Testosterone and vasopressin (counterparts of estrogen and oxytocin) occur during a frequent male stress response (­fight-or-flight) and exhibit the opposite effects of oxytocin.3 Consider evolutionary explanations for testosterone: “in males the neuro circuitry for sexuality is in close proximity to the neuro circuity for aggression … among early primates, a male’s sexual access to females often required him to do battle with rivals.”4 Yes, but there is a befriending and bonding that occurs among soldiers in stressful wars and later in veteran groups. Belonging bonds also occur among men (and women) on sports teams. We might challenge the ways in which we socialize boys when our culture reinforces the rugged individualist image for successful males. Men can be tender befrienders. Oxytocin, dubbed the “cuddle chemical,” helps move sperm! Oxytocin is not only present in sexual encounters, but is associated with giving birth, breastfeeding, and touching/caretaking of others. Stress responses are subdued with tender touch. As somatic psychotherapist Susan McConnell points out, physical touch helps to hold one’s focus in the present moment; even imagined physical contact releases oxytocin in the body.5 Oxytocin contributes to relaxation. In turn, one’s relaxed response allows one to soften and be conscious of a centered self. When fathers give infants loving care, they experience decreased testosterone.6 Cuddling babies increases oxytocin, and we feel cozy. Our ­tending-and-befriending of others is like a boomerang; we receive back tending/befriending of our health. Healthy benefits of these close encounters include lowering blood pressure for a few hours (with a single

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occasion), counteracting inflammation, reducing pain sensations,7 and filling up your ­feel-good bucket. We need more tending/befriending for the good of the planet. Whom might you choose to tend and befriend? When do you tend and befriend yourself? We might focus more on tending ourselves when we face a transition like retirement or having to cope with health challenges. A regret part may surface, a wish that different decisions might have produced better results.

Transitioning Time Transitioning from work to “free” time unsettles many encore adults. Other cultures may handle developmental transitions better, as they relish rituals or rites of passage. There are few rituals or preparation classes in the U.S. on retirement transitions. Author and PBS host Bruce Feiler calls transitions “lifequakes.”8 Consultant William Bridges described a transition as a psychological time that involves both inner redirection and ­self-redefinition: “Think of transition as a process of leaving the status quo, living for a while in a fertile ‘­t ime-out,’ and then coming back with an answer … [which] takes place in an ­i n-between state … a time of renewal … [where you] come out of it stronger and better adapted to your world than you were when you went in.”9 Bridges’s transition stages include an ending, a neutral zone or ­i n-between state, and new beginnings. Transformation plots are possible. However, finding a Rebirth plot is seldom a quick ­t urn-around. A transition to retirement often begins with an end to former belongingness at work. ­Day-to-day belonging relationships shift when you no longer see workmates regularly. I favor using the verb “transitioning,” as ­well-lived encore years require ongoing mental and physical movement or rewiring. You rewire your personality through “rough cut” 10 editing of daily changes. You likely will edit your current story about yourself more than once. It takes a ­g rowth-and-grit mindset to transition well. •  “That’s a wrap” to changes—or not Initial transitioning involves saying goodbye to what you are losing. What is ending in leaving a job/career/relationship/marriage? Was the transitioning your choice or did someone else initiate the ending? Either way, belonging and ability needs may go unmet initially. Grieving may accompany your ending. However, befriending what is ending in your life includes finding what you might keep. Some things to consider are the skills you learned from your experiences, healthy relationships, work processes, and/or aspects of your previous identity. Perhaps there are relationships that you choose



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to keep from your workplaces. I count some former colleagues as among my current lifelong friends. •  Lost in a maze of emotions 11 and unmet needs A muddling stage of transitioning is where confusion and angst may pile up. Your body may feel tense. Fearful and insecure parts of your personality can surface. You experience vulnerability when you are “lost in a maze” of feelings and unmet needs. Your energy may plummet. This is a clue for you to tend to yourself with great care. “The new growth cannot take root on ground still covered with the old habits, attitudes, and outlooks.”12 Uncertainty swirls as you try on different methods of meeting your unmet needs. Jungian analyst James Hollis describes the upending: “Something dies out, runs its course. Turgid and top heavy, it topples over, seeking replacement by something else … what we thought we knew, what we thought we understood, what we thought was a reliable map of our world, all seem now to fail us.”13 In my family therapy private practice, many of my clients faced job endings not of their choosing; there was no “neutral” middle zone, but a time of considerable angst. Before you fertilize for new beginnings you may go through a time of grieving. •  Personality rewiring—or not Personality rewiring carries possibilities. Bridges advised: “Things go slowly for a time and nothing seems to happen—until suddenly … the branch blossoms … when the endings and the time of fallow neutrality are finished … we can launch ourselves anew, changed and renewed by the deconstruction of the structure and outlooks of the old life phase.”14 Norwegian sociologist Gunhild Hagestad cautions that transitions take time, as first reactions to retirement change. It takes time to grapple with identity issues. You are more than your former job titles, but if you enjoyed your work this may not seem apparent. Your purpose in life may change.15 Writer Natalie Goldberg reframes the identity issue: “We can’t run from our identities, but maybe we can wear them a little lighter, not so heavy.”16 You can meet your basic needs in new ways when you are skillful in rewiring your personality. Some prefer facelifts to personality lifts. Others experience the heavy lift of illness. Consider both the turmoil and the personality rewiring in this brave seasoned citizen: 66, female (retired 1 year; volunteers 30 hours/week): “After six months of retirement I was diagnosed with breast cancer … [I] didn’t plan for this in retirement … one week prior to my diagnosis I had scheduled a trip … when I received my diagnosis

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Part I—Loving Possibilities my first thoughts were, ‘That’s what I get for retiring and planning a trip! I should have kept working’ … ridiculous, I know, but I thought it! You hear about it all the time … someone retires, and they die … the first five weeks of the diagnosis were literally mind numbing … initial information was dire, and I thought instead of planning retirement activity, I needed to plan for the end of life…. I have dodged a couple of bullets since I have moved through the process of fighting this cancer. It has not spread to my lymph nodes and after the lumpectomy the cells around the cancer are clear. The doctors say my prognosis is good … [A] new retirement goal … [is] to fight this disease with the same intensity I have lived my life. If you want to do something, don’t wait … you literally do not know what tomorrow will bring … flexibility and a sense of humor is so important in life, in retirement, and in the throes of an illness like cancer!”

I am in awe of the ­tend-and-befriend efforts of this woman. She faced her illness ­head-on with passion for her transitioning steps and her life. Her encore ­g rowth-and-grit mindset is inspiring.

Personality “Lifting” Through Consciousness Personality rewiring in retirement transitioning is a process that is different for each person. Rewiring your personality and ability skill set takes consciousness. The notion of becoming more conscious of your emotional states is ancient. Indian Vedic Hindu theories of consciousness date back to at least 2000 bc.17 In your encore years you might have more urgency to be conscious and ask yourself, “Who am I at this stage of my life?” Hollis urges us to realize that we have an internal guidance system to help us sort out our choices.18 Schwartz elaborates on how to accept fearful and insecure personality parts with the consciousness of a core self.19 You have possibilities for tweaks in your ­l ife-story plots for your remaining years. It is a misperception that ­a ge-related changes are completely beyond our control: “adults have more control over their aging than they think.”20 Yes, if you are conscious, you have many possibilities. Let’s investigate consciousness. Cell biologist Bruce Lipton labels himself a scientific detective. He finds that we are only conscious about 5 percent of the time, leaving us 95 percent clueless! I think of myself as a bit more conscious than a drifter Inspector Gadabout, but maybe it is not true. My personality has memories “lost” to consciousness, stashed somewhere in my ­story-house basement and forgotten—like the forgotten old sled, child’s ice skates, and



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rusty ice cream maker that I stumbled upon last summer in cleaning out my basement. To understand what Lipton means about our lack of consciousness in our lives, consider the science of early awareness timeframes. Watch children’s ongoing rewiring with curiosity. •  Between our tender birth and age two, our brains operate predominately at the lowest level of EEG frequency with delta waves. •  Between ages two and six, a higher level of EEG activity, theta, is possible. Children are keen observers, downloading caretaker beliefs and behaviors into subconscious memory. Lipton considers that much early programming is “disempowering” and limits one’s thinking. This may be the root of fixed mindsets. What personality plots were planted in you? Which ones are still rooted today? Hypnotherapists understand that their patients’ brain theta activity is a suggestible, programmable state.21 Theta functioning connects with imagination. We do not “make up” anything in our imagination; brains simply use various images or symbols to interpret something the conscious mind can perceive.22 •  As children we are less vulnerable to outside programming in ages six to seven, possessing ­high-frequency alpha waves associated with states of calm consciousness. •  At about age 12 we sustain a pattern of an even higher frequency, termed beta waves, with increasing alert consciousness. High anxiety and/or excitement may exist. When engaging in the arts or sports, we focus intently. •  A yet higher state of EEG activity frequency can occur in gamma waves, which come in handy when a top performance is needed, such as a pilot’s landing of a plane.23 Lipton explains that the subconscious operates like a computer hard drive; when some situation grabs your attention, your body finds and fires off a response that was learned when a younger (and similar) episode was first experienced. Some first experiences are seared in the brain. Think about the common phrases “My buttons were pushed” or “I acted on autopilot” as examples of the subconscious. According to Lipton, this incredible subconscious hard drive can process 20 million environmental stimuli per second, while the conscious mind detects only 40 environmental stimuli in that same second!24 This aspect of time makes me feel in awe of our human brains. Physicist David Bohm described brain consciousness: “[it is] never static or complete, but … in an unending process of movement and

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unfoldment.” He explained this ­e ver-moving brain as largely guided by a “fragmentary” worldview (especially by people who live in the Western world). Such fragmentation of consciousness prevents people from working together for the common good. Bohm attributed ­f ragment-thinking as contributing to pollution and worldwide economic disorder.25 Now my awe turns into angst. Can you appreciate that you are not always aware or conscious of the big picture? How aware are you of the origins of your very own thoughts? Do you carry legacy story plots from your ancestors? Are you aware of your ancestors’ temperaments? Acknowledge who you are; embrace both strengths and vulnerabilities. This ­tend-and-befriend attitude involves consciousness. I will never forget going into the neonatal nursery a day after the birth of my first child and seeing the ­c ocoon-like babes swaddled in blankets. Some, like my son, slept peacefully amid loud commotion. Others were ­red-faced and screaming. Some newborns breathe peacefully with little movement, while others emit thrashing, jerky motions. Reading about temperament in my psychology child development books never approached the learning that I received that morning. Sometimes a picture is worth a thousand words. I finally grasped the significance of temperament. When we tend our own basic wiring, it is easier to make peace with the hard drives of significant others, especially in times of stress.

Rewire ­Warm-Up We are feeling creatures who think … if we do not process and take care of our emotions … this gets in the way of our mental health … because of mindfulness, we have the ability to change the underlying anatomy of our brain. —Jill Bolte Taylor, neuroanatomist

We may tell ourselves that we cannot make any difference in serious life events. What about making a difference in daily events? Psychologist Tara Brach views most daily events as falling below conscious awareness. To become conscious of possibilities, Brach suggests enhancing ­self-awareness through RAIN, a tool devised by mindfulness teacher Michelle McDonald.26 My further adaptation of RAIN steps can ­jump-start rewiring within a matter of minutes. •  Recognize what is happening in the present moment. Is your body tense or relaxed? •  Allow what is happening. Just allow it for the moment. Slow down your breaths with a longer exhale than inhale.



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•  Investigate any emotional parts of your personality with curiosity. Is there a fearful part? •  Nurture yourself with compassion. Consciously breathe into ­self-territory. Understand that most events are not happening to you, but are simply happening. No one enjoys feeling lost. Tend and befriend yourself.

Seeing a Bigger Picture Our subconscious lost times become second nature. Lost times occur almost every day. Obsessive thoughts churn, or perhaps pleasing fantasies saturate your thinking, in habitual ways. In whatever ways you experience feeling lost, you lose track of the present moment. Here are common examples: “I lost track of where I was on the highway … I must have been daydreaming.” “Where did the morning go?” “Can you say that again? My mind was somewhere else.” When we tenderly catch ourselves not paying attention to the present moment, we stop feeling lost. We vow to treat our thoughts, emotions and sensations with more consciousness: “Oh, there’s anger about my job ­lay-off … oh, there’s loneliness. I miss my work colleagues.” Recognize that such thoughts are different and distinct from the conscious awareness that observes them. We each have a garden of thoughts/emotions/sensations, both annual (temporary) and perennial (­long-lasting over years). You can decide whether your internal garden has more blooming flowers or ­t ake-over weeds. I am aware that my backyard garden and my internal garden have some of each. I would like to tell you that my internal garden is “blooming” all day, but it is not true. It is hard to admit to weedy behavior, especially if we are not aware of it. This lack of awareness applies to everyone. While knowledge of the subconscious existed in Austrian neurologist Sigmund Freud’s time, he embellished it by highlighting how experiences lost in the subconscious might later turn up in terms of mental and/or physical illness.27 Jung elaborated on how common it is that our mind hijacks us: “all perceptions and intuitions; all rational or irrational thoughts, conclusions … and all varieties of feeling—any or all of these can take the form of partial, temporary, or constant unconsciousness.”28 Constant unconsciousness sounds scary! Most of us make excuses for ourselves: “we content ourselves with all sorts of rationalized accounts of our behavior, all of them equally inadequate.” 29 We continuously regurgitate our emotions, especially when

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we are not conscious of them. Neuroscientist Richard Davidson became enamored of the human brain when he was in high school and had a job at a sleep clinic. He found that every person’s dreams contained strong emotions such as terror or joy, jealousy or hatred.30 What if we become curious about consciousness? What if we think of our subconscious emotions as sunken vessels carrying treasures, submerged in memory’s wrinkled folds, and temporarily not within sight? I was excited to snorkel on a family vacation. We had ­sun-drenched ­80-degree weather. We were told that we would see tropical fish in the Caribbean Sea. The brilliant turquoise water beckoned. But there were no colorful fish in our sight lines where our catamaran tour took us. We were alert, but murky water from sediment was not a conducive environment for viewing ­water-dancing fish. Sometimes it takes more than alertness to find what you are looking for. We sailed on to a second area and this time we found submerged possibilities. We had a thrilling swim with large sea turtles! Their flowing and graceful motion looked completely different from what you see when you watch a box turtle lumber across a road. However, no tropical fish were evident at the second site either. We cannot control nature, even when we track its wonders carefully. Nature teaches acceptance. Everyone in midlife and beyond reaches times where they question, “What’s it all about, Alfie?” This song title comes from the 1966 British romantic comedy Alfie. It is a phrase that my late husband and I asked each other frequently. We usually went into depths (or heights) of conversation that led us far away from the question. Perhaps that is the point— when you want to consider the “big picture,” ocean and/or sky metaphors are within limits. One definition for what human development is about is understanding Jung’s concept of individuation, the lifelong maturation process of becoming aware of one’s unique process of wholeness: “universal traits and possibilities are combined in each individual in a way that is unlike anyone else.”31 Many misunderstand individuation, thinking that it is merely ­navel-gazing or being selfish, although Jung was inclusive in seeing a bigger picture: “the individual is not just a single, separate being … his [her, or their] very existence presupposes a collective relationship … the process of individuation must lead to more intense and broader collective relationships and not to isolation.”32 As we mature in years, we come to recognize that an individual cannot experience rewiring solely through isolation. “We are caught in an inescapable network of mutuality, tied in a single garment of destiny,” wrote Martin Luther King, Jr. In fact, it is often through tendingand-befriending people from different cultures that we grow and learn something important about ourselves. You make sense of your internal struggles when you also understand the collective struggles of others.



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Name your own definition of wholeness. There are no perfect words. There is no expectation that you become perfect. Life keeps challenging us with imperfect situations. The pandemic has reinforced the notion that there is no charmed life even if you win several pots of gold in lotteries.

Rewiring in Retirement With a ­g rowth-and-grit mindset, life is about ongoing and conscious rewiring—a journey of affirming wholeness both for oneself and for others. It helps to become conscious of having a core self where you witness and accept opposite parts of your personality. You relate as a tender befriender to both your personality and the personalities of others. One ­70-year-old man quoted a ­well-known sentiment in his Retirement Survey response: “Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself,” adding his understanding: “I think it is a bit of both.” Yes, life is both detecting past story plots and rewiring for present creative growth. Seasoned citizens often grow in transitioning: 65, female (retired 2 years): “Fired turned into retired—I call it ‘refired’—[retirement is] liberation, [an] opportunity to reinvent and capitalize on my strengths, talent, interest, and giving to others…. I love not working (especially in a somewhat hostile culture) but do miss my extrovert gene. I am helping my ­94year-old mom. I can’t yet find the ideal ­part-time work and/or volunteering gigs but I’m getting closer. It’s a work in progress … grab the gusto while you can.” 69, male (retired 1 year; volunteers 3 hours/week): “As I approached retirement, I did not have a clear picture of what was next. I did have two things: (a) an opportunity to travel for an extended time, and to be centered during that time on a college campus, and (b) a desire to ‘reinvent’ myself…. I have enrolled in a degree program…. I believe retirement should be a time to devote energy to making this world better for the next generation.” 70, female (retired 2 years; volunteering varies): “I look back on the turning points in my life, some of which I regretted at the time and now know that I wouldn’t be where I am now if those unfortunate things had not happened. I am my own master … for me, retirement was liberation.” 73, male (semiretired for 18 years; work and volunteering hours vary): “It’s best to have a plan. My plan was to expand my business and indulge my interest in geology through travel. I seek to explore all corners of the vast state of California.”

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Part I—Loving Possibilities 75, female (semiretired 5 years; volunteering pro bono varies): “I am in my Encore Stage of Life … to absorb how others courageously face what their lives are…. I worry about our planet … but I believe in the goodness of humans … [to] find our way to fulfillment and peace.” 75, female (semiretired 5 years; volunteers 12 hours/week): “[Retirement] is a very ridiculous word. I retire when I sleep only. That is it! Life has many stages and journeys. Life is hints followed by guesses. Life is bringing forward all my accumulated trials, errors, and wisdom. Life is presence to the present moment as each day’s morsels are presented and responding with the best of my love available to me.” 76, male (works 15 hours/week; volunteers 15 hours/week): “time to pursue many interests, read and write more…. I planned it this way…. I enjoy friends all over the world.” 80, male (retired 12 years; volunteering varies): “time for reflection; (1) opportunities seized and missed, (2) appreciation for the hard work and dedication of parents and grandparents, (3) satisfaction in past achievements and acceptance of mistakes … (4) time for real spiritual growth.” 82, female (retired 8 years; volunteers 11 hours/week): “time to give back to my community … a new chapter of life.” 82, male (retired 11 years; volunteering varies): “freedom to engage in activities I love. I am released from the toxic work culture I was in. I have an opportunity to engage in political activity (I am starting)…. I can and do associate with loving, ethical people doing constructive things.”

It would be fascinating to have ­follow-up interviews with these individuals to explore story plots from childhood that set the scene for current times. Perhaps this is a future project. We will explore childhood plots of individuals who have life stories detailed in the public record in future chapters.

Legacies from Childhood Just as our brain grows through various stages of conscious awareness, personality formation grows throughout childhood. Parents/caretakers influence children and vice versa.33 “When a child is uncertain or pessimistic about his or her value, the child may strive to become what is perceived as pleasing to the caretaker.” In ­approval-craving parts, a child



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imitates one or more caretakers in an effort to become valued. These child personality parts may take on the burden of perfectionism or disapproval, echoing critical caretaker parts.34 Such criticism can linger like mold for decades. Consider the phrase, “Afraid of one’s own shadow.” Lingering fears from childhood of being “enough” may receive reinforcement from bosses, partners, and others echoing their own internalized caretaker voices, real or imagined. Legacy stories are part of every family. Some legacies are positive and model for children some powerful ways to navigate the world. However, there also are what Schwartz calls personal burdens that become ingrained in young children when there are issues such as abandonment and abuse. In the extreme situation of a person who molests children, there often is a painful legacy of that person being molested as a child. There are legacy burdens that do not reside in one’s personality from experience but are handed down through generations.35 The culture handing down slavery is one sad example of a legacy burden. We may not consider where our habitual legacy messages originated. If one grows up in Western culture, there is a strong pull toward autonomy and independence. When these ideals are not met, others may judge one as underachieving or lazy. Adaptive attachment and behavior can mean different things in various cultures.36 Each seasoned citizen has ethnic and cultural roots of influence as well as familial legacies. All of us have personality parts that ref lect, accept and/or reject certain ties that bind. Once a person can approach any vulnerable emotional parts with curious intention, it becomes possible to begin to speak for an emotion, rather than speaking from that emotion. You might practice saying, “Part of me feels mad,” rather than, “I’M MAD!” 37 While this shift sounds simplistic, it is profound. It takes grit to catch yourself thinking that you are ­a ll-in on one emotion in the heat of the moment. Did a parent, teacher, or boss sound like this? What happens to your compassion meter (for self and other) when you are ­A LL-IN ANGRY? It is helpful to have neuroscientist Jill Bolte Taylor’s reminder that each surge of an emotion has a biochemical ­clock-time of approximately 90 seconds at the long end. Emotions that are not so intense may have a life span as brief as a few seconds!38 Psychologist Joan Rosenberg elaborates on how your emotion seems to last beyond 90 seconds due to memory of the emotion—not the emotion itself. Likely, that memory is subconscious. Grief—made up of many emotions—is an exception, as emotions surface like a series of waves and do not wash away in 90 seconds. Waves of grieving do decrease in frequency and intensity with time. 39 There is no set amount of grieving time. Grief stories will be covered in Chapter

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8, but start focusing now on remembering significant loss events in your life. Your remembering may evoke the same bodily sensations that you felt at the initial time. That is OK. As somatic IFS therapist Susan McConnell suggests, our vulnerable parts use the body to tell their stories.40 You want more consciousness in your thoughts, emotions and sensations going forward. Consider times that you have gone over and over the same story in your mind about a work or relationship injustice. This happens to all of us. Story plots have a rising action, a climax, and a falling action where loose ends of the story find either resolution or an insufficiency. All of us can feel stuck in our stress stories’ insufficiencies. We have possibilities to clarify Underdog plots we hold onto. How can you tend and befriend your basic needs of energy, discipline, creativity, belonging, and ability if you see yourself as an underdog? Start sharing your life stories with a significant other or in psychotherapy. I had a psychology private practice for over 25 years and had the privilege of guiding my clients in exercising passion over victimhood. Along with the enduring inf luence of Carl Jung’s ideas, Salvador Minuchin’s family therapy, and Francine Shapiro’s EMDR (eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) therapy for trauma, I practiced Dick Schwartz’s Internal Family Systems (IFS) psychotherapy. IFS distills ­non-pathologizing, everyday language to help people identify hidden (subconscious) parts of their personality that often begin in childhood.41 Many individuals use IFS principles as a daily life practice

Internal Family Systems (IFS) Schwartz developed IFS psychotherapy after listening to clients’ wording about opposite parts of their personalities: “What we call ‘thinking’ is often our inner talking with different parts of us … think of someone you love who has died. How do you feel toward the grief you have about that person? Maybe you fear being overwhelmed by it and hate the way it brings you down. You try to keep it locked up somewhere in your psyche and avoid anything that might remind you of the death. Perhaps you also get impatient with it: ‘Why do I still feel this way after all this time? I thought I’d already worked through all that.’”42 It is typical to go over and over our parts’ reactions to a loss story and feel stuck. I experienced this initially after my husband’s sudden death. My clients also experienced stuck emotions for a whole range of losses—from miscarriages to job firings to cancer diagnoses. Schwartz labels these stuck body sensations, thoughts, images,



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and emotions as protective parts of you. For example, pushing away thoughts about the death of a loved one may protect you from feeling sad or lonely temporarily, but this ­s hoving-to-the-background delay does not last over time. “Exile” parts may have their rising action in a childhood trauma. Our early naked emotions may require several layers of ­c over-up for protection. Perhaps you try protecting yourself from ­tough-stuff stories with “manager” parts through overwork. When that fails, a “(fire)fighter” part may overeat, overdrink, and/or pursue other addictive diversions. Jung called personality parts “splinter psyches,” or complexes that are separate from consciousness.43 Jung believed in the capacity to resolve personality divisions and set new goals.44 Schwartz provides the words to become aware of a core self and a path forward in reconciling personality divisions. A core ­s elf-recognition can help rescript traumatic narratives by encouraging a vulnerable part of your personality to tell their story, including what was missing at the time of traumatic impact: “[perhaps one wanted to] restrain an adult, speak up to others.”45 Witnessing and airing past or present trauma both validates one’s suffering and creates the possibility of living your life more consciously. When you rewire your personality with ­t end-and-befriend ­s elf-compassion, there is an energy reservoir to create new narratives. Trauma takes a lot of energy to keep under wraps. Schwartz often asks a client what they might enjoy “inviting back” into their personality after they become conscious of how much ­b ound-up energy it takes to keep a tight rein on themselves. Invariably, clients say they desire more lightheartedness, play, and/or spontaneity when they are in the ­f alling-action resolution of some life plot. Also, when we learn to have ­s elf-compassion for the parts of our own personalities, we are capable of having compassion for people who may resemble our challenging parts.46 Combining IFS and EMDR techniques is powerful for personality rewiring. EMDR therapy also deals with taming opposite emotional parts.47 EMDR founder and psychologist Francine Shapiro addressed the importance of earlier trauma in defining personality: “In addition to genetic factors, each characteristic or personality trait is based on a group of memory networks that cause us to behave or feel in a certain way. These memory networks are created throughout our lives and ref lect who we were, where we were, and what was happening when the network was created. This explains why we can seem to be very different at work than we are at home. We can have different typical responses because we may have had a very chaotic home life when we were children, but we were very successful in school.”48 All of us can learn to

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“interweave” both/and opposites: “As a child, you were helpless, you couldn’t choose; as an adult you can choose.”49 Shapiro further explains: “Even though we may be 30, 40, 50, 60 years old or more, it’s as if we are holding the hand of our young self, and it’s telling us what to do.”50 Opposing emotional reactions become understandable when we are conscious that childhood programming was not our fault. EMDR therapy integrates subconscious childhood memories and releases their grip on one’s present functioning through bilateral movements. Understanding neural brain networks provides exploration for all future psychotherapy approaches in becoming more conscious.

Consciousness of the Fittest Research on the octopus suggests that consciousness is not only a human specialty. While it is hard to believe, this ­u nlikely-looking sea creature is incredibly smart and curious. An octopus can detach its own arm, even in the absence of a predator. Also, an octopus can rewire a new arm when needed! Each arm may have its own personality, almost like a separate creature. An octopus can have a “shy” arm and a “bold” arm.51 These opposite arms are like personality parts! Australian philosopher and science writer Peter ­G odfrey-Smith explains that these intelligent creatures are capable of consciousness as they notice novelty, something that is considered a conscious action in humans. Octopuses in at least two different countries’ aquariums will squirt water at a very bright bulb until it ­short-circuits, turning off light in their tank. They can tell humans apart, even when individuals are wearing the same uniform. Many people forgo the joy of dancing, but a scuba diver enjoyed dancing with a curious octopus in the ocean. However, the octopus has serious opposite actions; ­Godfrey-Smith also scuba dives and has taken videos of warring octopuses.52 Perhaps consciousness only goes so far. British neurologist Oliver Sacks described the dedicated consciousness of athletes: “At first, an intense conscious effort and attention are necessary to learn every nuance of technique and timing. But at some point, the basic skills and their neural representation become so ingrained in the nervous system as to be almost second nature, no longer in need of conscious effort or decision … a champion sprinter may be up and running and already 16–18 feet into the race before he is consciously aware that the starting gun has fired.”53 This aspect of seemingly lapsed consciousness happens to all of us. In fact, some of the most brilliant discoveries happen as a spontaneous “eureka” when a person least expects progress.



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French mathematician Henri Poincare was troubled about a math problem until he stepped onto a bus and suddenly an answer drifted into his awareness. In another instance, Poincare received a math solution while walking at the seaside. German composer Richard Wagner had a sudden jolt of consciousness during an afternoon nap: “I suddenly felt as though I were sinking in swiftly flowing water. The rushing sound formed itself in my brain into a musical sound, the chord of E flat major…. I at once recognized that the orchestral overture to the Das Rheingold, which must have long lain latent within me … had at last been revealed to me.” Russian chemist and inventor Dmitri Mendeleev recognized the periodic table of chemical elements in a dream! He woke up and wrote down his discovery on an envelope. Like many others’ ­a h-ha moments, Mendeleev’s solution arrived in his mind when he was not “consciously” working.54 Creativity is mercurial. You do not know where or when your next inspiration will arrive to help rewire you. I receive creative inspiration when I tend and befriend plants in my garden and in the many gardens I visit. Neurologist Oliver Sacks knew about the power of gardening, as he took his patients to gardens whenever he could, offering this novel advice: “In 40 years of medical practice, I have found only two types of ­non-pharmaceutical ‘therapy’ to be vitally important for patients with chronic neurological diseases: music and gardens.” Sacks explained that music attaches memories and emotions in reaching many parts of the brain. He found that patients with advanced Alzheimer’s knew exactly what to do when they were taken to a flower garden and given seedlings to plant—none of the patients planted something upside down. 55 Incorporate more music and gardening appreciation in your life. I do not know whether there is consciousness in plants, but plants rate as among the fittest on the planet. Consider the delicate yet hardy fern. With fossil records going back approximately 383 million years, ferns are one of the oldest groups of plants on Earth.56 Some fern varieties are extinct, but they are a diverse group and have managed to survive the ages. After a lava flow the ­g rowth-and-grit fern is the first to sprout into new life. Even more compelling in fossils: there was a major extinction of most of the plants and land animals around 66 million years ago (late Cretaceous timeframe), but ferns bounced back! Also, ferns live a long time; in some botanical gardens there are ferns living more than 100 years.57 Are ferns more fit than people? Questions keep our personality parts well exercised in consciousness. Neuroscientist Antonio Damasio considers that consciousness is essential, as it shapes mental experiences “in the struggle to govern life successfully.”58

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Possibility Time Sometimes, people can go missing right before our very eyes. Sometimes people discover you even though they’ve been looking at you the entire time. Sometimes, we lose sight of ourselves when we’re not paying enough attention. —Cecelia Ahern, Irish novelist, A Place Called Here

You exercise daily emotional roles or parts in the arenas of work, volunteering, relationships, health, family, personal growth, money, spirituality and/or religion. You have a ­one-of-a-kind personality of diverse parts but perhaps you are not conscious of this. If you watch the 2015 Pixar movie Inside Out, you get adult messages that this wonderful children’s movie may not give to youngsters; your subconscious mind is working behind the scenes, storing and organizing your emotions, beliefs, memories and core values. Make your personality more obvious to yourself by listing your personality parts. Some parts reflect your core values. For example, where and when does honesty show up for you? 1 .  Ask yourself, “What is important to me about my life?” Write down any words that pop into awareness. Is there a special place in your body that you associate with each part? 2 .  Now imagine yourself as your most important teacher. See the various parts of your personality that are wise and intuitive. How often do you hear others worrying about a flagging memory in their encore years versus how wonderful it is to have their crystalized intelligence of life experience and wisdom? You have life wisdom after 55+ years! If you did not find a wise part earlier, can you recognize one now? 3 .  Next, imagine yourself as a stranger. Acknowledge any personality roles or parts of you that you seldom see. Tend and befriend these “stranger” parts. 4 .  Finally, see any part of you that feels fragile and wounded, and perhaps acts in ways that create confusion or chaos for you (and others in your life).59 Tend and befriend all parts.

Detecting Personality Parts Many individuals have a sergeant at arms, a critical part of their personality that commands a semblance of order, even shutting down certain



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behaviors at times. Criticism and contempt for a partner is one of the predictors of divorce. The power of your inner critic can feel like insider divorce, with a running commentary of what is wrong with you! It is how we listen to that protective part of our personality that counts. You can listen to the critical part with acceptance or not. Have you ever asked of your critical ranting, “What? I’m supposed to take that crap?” An angry part tries to protect you from criticism which in turn tries to protect you from fear! You have a whole internal family of parts of your personality. They frequently are in opposition to one another, just as family members may be. Blaming and shaming rarely take you to a good place in relationships, but you might find yourself thinking: “She (or he) makes me mad,” or “He (or she) made me feel stupid.” When you detect this complaining part of your personality berating yourself or others, slow down your speeding thoughts. When you tend and befriend yourself, you can distinguish how a critic may save your life, as in alerting you to slow down when you overshoot the speed limit while driving distracted. Become curious about where the critic’s complaint comes from—perhaps it has been with you for years—and have ­self-compassion for its protective nature. So many thoughts and emotions pass through us quickly, but it is helpful to take time to detect ­self-criticism. Angela Santomero, a TV executive producer who worked with Mr. Rogers, created the PBS show Daniel Tiger’s Neighborhood after Fred Rogers’s death. With a master’s degree in child development and psychology, Santomero’s understanding of personality follows familiar parts and plots: “Each of us has a whole cast of characters inside our heads … there’s the worrier, the champion, the doubter, the ­do-gooder, the gossip, the nitpicker, and the one with anger management issues. Let the voices in your head have their say. Give them attention…. Know that they improve you … all [are] parts of yourself. […] Listening to them … [when] you don’t judge … [and] you stop trying to suppress them, they usually move on.”60 If this sounds complicated, take a deep breath! Then name your own personality parts. We can be the tender befriender to ourselves. We then open up the possibility of tending/befriending the personality parts of others we meet. Fred Rogers was a master tender befriender. His ­child-friendly advice was meant for adults too; his advice (adapted from an earlier version by novelist Henry James) is simple: “There are three ways to success: ‘The first way is to be kind. The second way is to be kind. The third way is to be kind.’” Rogers understood that each person is important to others in ways that are subconscious: “There is something of yourself that you leave at every meeting with another person.” For example, you never know when it can be your turn to tend in such a way that it is lifesaving. Editor Gary Jansen works in New York City and once narrowly escaped being hit by a speeding

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taxi that ran a red light. His yelling at pedestrians, who also stepped back from disaster, was a lifesaving Escape plot. Only the tip of Jansen’s elbow was hit by the taxi’s ­side-view mirror. ­Tending-and-befriending often is a ­t wo-for-one action. Jansen calls for ­m icro-shifts or small changes in life, as he sees how everything connects. Jobs, families, relationships, suffering, finances, health, emotions—disappointments, joys, and sorrows—all are interdependent. All of us can be ­l ife-enhancers for one another. Jansen notes: “there are 1440 minutes in each day. So, 1% of one day equals 14 minutes and 24 seconds, or a little less than 15 minutes. What would happen if we took just 1% of our day and dedicated that time to changing something in our life or helping the world around us? Consider this: if you practiced the guitar, writing, or cooking for 15 minutes a day and did that consistently every day, by the end of the year, you would have invested more than 90 hours … that’s an entire semester of class.”61 When you are a tender befriender, first to yourself and then to others, you are more likely to feel a sense of purpose and meaning. Just 15 minutes a day to rewire your personality could be monumental. Your time expenditure counts. In this chapter we took passion and compassion into the deeper territory of our ­tend-and-befriend brain development and personality function. In Chapter 4 we take a close look at vocations and how individuals deal with their work identities ­post-working years.

Part II

Activity Possibilities Imagine a planet where most of us are in our 60s, 70s, or 80s—or even older. Our hearts are hearty, our bones are sturdy, our brains are blooming. What exactly are we going to be doing? —Barbara Strauch, health journalist, The Secret Life of the ­Grown-Up Brain

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Purposeful Vocations We can each define ambition and progress for ourselves. The goal is to work toward a world where expectations are not set by the stereotypes that hold us back but by our personal passion, talents and interests. —Sheryl Sandberg, COO, Facebook We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful about what we pretend to be. —Kurt Vonnegut, novelist, Mother Night

I was looking for a retirement card for a friend. The only choice on the card rack had this message: “So glad you’re retiring…. You look like you need to. Congratulations.” Some find this funny. Others are miffed. Consider this retirement standard: “I have to have pants on by noon.” Humor varies from person to person. Do you remember George Burns? His view is silly, but not raunchy: “Retirement at 65 is ridiculous. When I was 65, I still had pimples.” A ­meant-for-humor event in a retirement community (55+) is called “Dead Pool.” Neighbors pitch in $20 each and name five famous people whom they suspect will die in the next calendar year. With ­end-of-life results tallied, one woman won $200 the following year! Humor is one way to cope with the ­d-word. Here is another version of aging humor: “An older lady said she might take off all her clothes at the Flower Show. Her friend dared her. The naked lady burst into the show, and everyone applauded her—why? She was just in time to be judged. She won for best dried arrangement.” Yes, that was sexist (like many jokes about women). To even the playing field, here are two jokes about older men: “I didn’t make it to the gym today and that makes five years in a row.” Are you laughing or frowning? Try this doozy of a joke: “At my age ‘getting lucky’ means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.” What does such humor have to say about popular culture’s views of aging? Contrast these culture samples with the real life of Louise Hawkins. 80



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At the ripe age of 100 Louise had plans to meet her basic needs—Monday art class, Tuesday wellness class, ­c ard-playing on Fridays, church on Sundays, plus three private yoga sessions each week. She grew up in California where she was a swimmer and volleyball player in high school. She mastered making wreaths for a gift business along with a winning knack for angling; she made world records on her fishing expeditions. Her 1983 record for a ­short-nosed spearfish catch still impresses fishermen, but her first landing of a marlin set her fishing ­g rowth-and-grit into action. Later Hawkins was passionate about underwater photography and scuba diving. When scuba and fishing were not physically possible anymore, Louise took up golf at age 85, winning a tournament in Hawaii with expert putting.1 Louise is an “inspirement” for creating Adventure plots! Broadcaster and writer Studs Terkel noted: “Most of us have jobs that are too small for our spirits.” Columnist David Brooks agrees: “The paradox of life is that people seem to deliberate more carefully over the little choices than the big ones … when it comes to choosing a vocation, they … slide incrementally into a career because someone gave them a job … for many, the big choices in life often aren’t really choices: they are quicksand. You just sink into the place you happen to be standing … but when you are making a transformational choice, you are leaping into an unknown territory.”2 If this describes you, rewire and find who else you might be. Educational consultant Miriam Grace Mitchell and psychologist Frieda Farfour Brown summarize this point: “The most common question people ask when you tell them you are planning to retire is, ‘What are you going to do?’ No one asks, ‘What are you going to be?’”3 All of us have personality possibilities for who we are becoming.

Work Identity Some encore adults are financially fit for retirement, but they identify primarily as workers. As one seasoned citizen explained, “I’ve worked since I was 16; work is a salvation for me.” The world of work defines time and can define one’s personal identity. Some encore adults never leave their careers; they “die with their boots on.” Because work is their passion and/or because they cannot imagine giving up their work identity, some hold onto work. Others must work to pay the rent. Semiretired individuals continue working ­part-time, keeping their options open. Results from my Retirement Survey suggest that there is a need for addressing the loss of career identity. This was not true of all individuals, but I believe it was ­u nder-reported, as I did not ask about this directly. Participants gave honest feedback:

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Part II—Activity Possibilities 62, female (works 20–40 hours/week): “[retirement] has never really been a goal. Finding meaningful and productive work has been a goal.” 62, female (works 35 hours/week): “You have to have a plan before retiring so your retirement years don’t lead to depression. Do some of the grief work before retirement.” 70, male (retired 3 years): “Initially I had loss of prestige, identity (career), income, but now I can sleep, dictate my schedule, and exercise.” 71, female (still working; hours vary): “I never considered retirement.” 71, female (semiretired 6 years): “I didn’t want to totally retire…. Stopping abruptly wasn’t for me. I had a career, not just a job…. I missed the ­day-to-day interaction with colleagues … [who] were busy and I needed to email and keep in contact with them.” 72, male (works 30 hours/week): “[I’m] not going to retire … if you love your work, why retire?” 72, female (retired 16 years; volunteering varies): “If I could, I’d go back in ­part-time…. I miss the ­20-somethings. They keep you young.” 75, male (works 23 hours/week): “Retirement is for those who feel they need it.” 75, male (retired 11 years): “In the first few years of retirement, I thought I might do some consulting. I found that the paperwork red tape took almost as much time as the work.” 78, male (retired 22 years): “[Retirement means] … loss of feeling of productivity.” 80, female (semiretired 20 years): “It took 10 years to replace my work identity.” 83, male (works 6 hours/week): “I would have a difficult time giving up my professional identity … were I to retire fully. It is too much who I am to give up entirely, at least as I feel at this point.” 87, male (retired 20 years): “I would have worked longer, but my job ended. I had chances to get promotions, but it meant going into administration and I never wanted that.”

Encore adults often are skilled workers. They are adept at making strategic choices quickly; they have the capacity for holistic or systems thinking. This ­t hinking-out-of-the-box skill leads to novel ­problem-solving. Psychiatrist and gerontologist Gene Cohen advocates for seasoned citizens as they can synthesize more information using many parts of their brain for tasks where younger individuals would use only one part. Cohen’s research



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findings (of ages 65+) match many of my Retirement Survey responses: recognizing the gratitude of having time for activities and interests, realizing more satisfying relationships, and nurturing new intellectual growth.4 Many seasoned citizens acknowledge their incredible skill sets and choose to continue working, often on a ­part-time basis and/or flextime schedule. Work routines provide structure and socialization benefits. Some companies are beginning to value more mature employees. Studies show that diverse ages in a company’s employees can foster more creativity, resilience, and effectiveness, as well as greater profitability when compared with companies who dismiss such workplace diversity.5 Gerontologist Karl Pillemer suggests that working in later life can have benefits if the worker has a choice; those who must work due to financial necessity often find their work conflictual. For those individuals in paid employment, there is extra money to ward off worry about retirement savings.6 However, there is a difference between working to pay for eggs for breakfast each week and working to build a nest egg for later years. There is the unwelcome reality that not all companies value encore adults. In an AARP study, 76 percent of older workers found age discrimination as a factor in finding a new job. For those who felt “pushed out” of previous jobs, the opportunity to earn their previous salary when they reentered the workplace often did not occur.7 Psychologist Nancy Schlossberg struggled with finding a new identity after her retirement from a university teaching career. She asked herself many questions. One aspect of her new identity was finding passion for a partner after the death of her husband. She also rewired her skill set; at age 89 she is an advocate for navigating aging transitions ­post-retirement.8 ­L ong-term work identities are strong parts of our personalities. When the job or career ends, there may be a letdown effect. You no longer identify as a worker. This is a time of reckoning and transitioning. In a study of 7,000 retirees, over half (54 percent) say that they wish they had spent more time planning for the ­non-financial issues in retirement.9 The ­what-next question needs to align with what holds meaning for you. Philosopher Henry David Thoreau recommended: “There is no remedy for love but to love more.” Loving more work is a life remedy for some. Research on working individuals ages 16–64 supports the idea that having a job boosts mental ­well-being. Significantly for many individuals’ upbeat moods, it does not require more than eight hours of work in a week to create healthy benefits. The ­well-being of these ­part-timers was similar to working up to 48 hours a week! The ­eight-hour-workweek results were true across age, marital status, number of children, ­long-standing illness, and household income.10 Some seasoned citizens make an identity shift rather quickly. This is more likely when one plans for retirement and

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gradually comes to an understanding that life stretches forward beyond work. Others leave a work identity with relative ease because they perceive their work as no longer a viable source of who they want to be, or they already have positive feelings about their ability to leave a positive legacy story. Yet others hold onto part of their work identity through finding meaningful activities in their community that utilize their ability skill set. One electrical engineer transitioned to a community project on his own time, becoming a project manager with less stress than he experienced in his former position.11 A successful semiretirement can be creative. Encore adults may transition into ­f ull-time retirement after working ­part-time for a few years. There are many possibilities.

Transitioning Blues Feeling a loss of your work identity makes sense when you held a job that gave you the sense that you were useful and made significant contributions to society. Some experience a rite of passage into retirement with their company and/or family throwing a party; they receive a plaque signifying ­g reat-contribution status. Other individuals slip into their encore years without any ritual fanfare. A career provides purposeful work, but also a sense of belonging or socialization that may be difficult to replace once the retirement party balloons break. Some of my Retirement Survey participants reported a lack of any understanding of what to do next. One person did not give any identifying age or retirement information; their sole response was printed in capital letters—“Having trouble making positive social connections.” Another individual gave this sole response: “Retirement is loss—giving up validation and esteem of job.” Encore individuals can feel adrift after closing the final workplace door. Others keep work hours for various reasons. Here is a sample of what retirement may mean: 59, female (works 30 hours/week; volunteers 2 hours/week): “means change, some loss, even aimlessness … it feels like a contrived or ­made-up Western concept … [I will] work for as long as I can, be as useful to humanity as I can.” 62, female (retired 1 year; volunteers 15 hours/week): “I am still burdened by expectations of myself … so I can’t yet fully enjoy my new ‘freedom.’ I miss the structure of my old job … not feeling fully grounded.” 65, female (works 30 hours a week): “to withdraw—I don’t see any blessings in retirement.” 68, male (not retired): “I look forward to leaving a job I’ve grown



4. Purposeful Vocations85 tired of but can’t figure out what to do professionally after that. I’m anxious about that.” 68, male (retired 1 year): “boredom.” 70, male (works 18 hours a week; volunteers 15 hours/week): “A highly stressful job that I held for 37 years has ended…. I thought my savings would go farther … health concerns are a reality … [there’s] not enough time or money to do all that I want.” 72, female (retired 2 years, works 6 hours/week, volunteers 10 hours/ week): “I didn’t think I’d be working for money; I thought I’d be volunteering…. I’m limited by my health and finances.” 72, male (retired 5 years): “I hadn’t anticipated a divorce.” 73, female (works 18 hours/week; volunteers 15 hours/week): “For my parents/grandparents [retirement] meant no longer working. It is difficult for me to envision retirement—it seems, as I think about this, that I equate it with poor health. I think I am in the process of letting go of ­self-limiting beliefs.” 75, female (retired 13 years; volunteers 1 hour/week): “I had to shift my sense of identity from my earlier professional lives…. The retirement years involve so much loss—getting support during grief is so important.” 75, female (retired 8 years; volunteers 6 hours/week): “a little bored, unfocused, meaning or purpose not so clear … worried that I will not be able to care for myself or become a burden on family.” 79, male (semiretired at age 60; retired 9 years): “feelings of loss of a piece of me…. I feel past stuck or burdened.”

In spite of their good health, the pandemic was a disruption of activities in the life of active seasoned citizens. And yet, most adapted and were resilient: 68, female: “It took a while (maybe a year) for me to feel comfortable about not being the one to always think about my job. It was a shift for me to realize that other people can do what I did and things will be OK.” 70, male: “My partner and I participated in a ‘zoominanny’ (hootenanny on Zoom) every two or three weeks during the pandemic with a group of about twelve … each person playing a song for the others. Some like myself try to learn two new songs for each occasion.” 71, male: “I actually had more contact with ­out-of-town relatives since I started using Zoom … [I] learned that I can still adapt at age 71.”

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Part II—Activity Possibilities 72, male: “[I] provided ­e-learning support and childcare for my grandchildren ­f ull-time … [it was] an ­a ll-encompassing commitment … [an] intense time with one set of grandkids was a gift, but the rest was severely compromising.” 73, female: “I’m totally responsible for my physical, cognitive, and social health … [I] need to push myself every day to improve every area … resilience is vital to ­well-being … [I’m] relishing unhurried days and spending more time contemplating nature.” 77, female: “Sometimes [I’m] feeling like in a twilight zone. At other times I feel very good and normal because of my work; both consulting and volunteer work continue to engage me, anchor me in qualitative ways with others.”

Your work goals may have involved competition and dominance, sometimes referred to as “hard” power. Your encore years are more about “soft” power where understanding, compassion, and receptivity prove more useful. The wider culture is skeptical of “soft” power, as it gives the appearance of vulnerability. However, highly successful individuals often say that they learned more from vulnerable failures than from their successes! Architect Frank Lloyd Wright is one example: “I have learned from my mistakes the most. You will never learn anything from your successes.” Organizational psychologist Adam Grant recommends “rethinking” as a life skill where individuals define their identities in terms of values such as learning and curiosity.12 I call this rewiring with a ­g rowth-and-grit mindset. Our identities likely experienced several shifts over the years, but as Grant acknowledges, “evolving your identity can leave you feeling derailed and disconnected.”13 I call this grieving. When you accept that all emotional parts in your personality are protective of you, you are more likely to find meaning in the beyonder years. You realize that your work identity is just part of your personality. There are individuals who experience the workplace as a toxic environment and have work wounds. These individuals may take longer to rewire when they leave the work force. I am thinking of my midlife clients who were called into the boss’s office and told in terse words to pack their things and leave—immediately. One stunned worker was given an escort to “help” carry personal possessions out the door. The worker thought the real message meant, “Don’t steal your work computer.” A ­70-year-old woman remained bitter for five years: “I was fired after 22 years at the plant … the ‘#*^@!’ fired me when I turned 65.” There was no “thank you for your service.” ­Non-voluntary departures—firings, downsizing and various restructuring explanations—often occur without any notice and shock employees. A work wound is complicated by not having the ability to say



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goodbye to coworkers on the way out the door. If this happened to you or someone you know, you understand how ­rapid-fire emotions from such a blow feel catastrophic. Firings and layoffs test your ­g rowth-and-grit mindset. You cannot control a work environment, but you can rewire in your grieving process and learn from vulnerable personality parts about what holds real meaning for you. Cognitive psychologist, economist, and Nobel Prize winner in economics Herbert Simon coined the word “satisficing” (“satisfying” plus “suffice”). Stemming from his years of combining psychology and economics, Simon developed an interest in organizational ­decision-making. “Satisficing” was his explanation for the behavior of ­d ecision-makers in situations where an optimal solution was not immediately available, so a “good enough” solution was accepted. 14 What is “satisficing” to a boss may not satisfy employees. How often in their work histories do people “settle,” perhaps grumbling or swearing to themselves with the reassignments of their work responsibilities? Consider the wise words of former South African leader Nelson Mandela: “There is no passion to be found playing small, in settling for a life that is less than the one you are capable of living.” If your work years did not measure up to your expectations, rewire your personality and ability skill set. Discover new possibilities. Frank Ostaseski, a hospice founder, observes, “The identities we have carried for so long—of mother or father, provider or caregiver, loner or ­p eople-person, rich or poor, success or failure—all these descriptions gradually are stripped away by illness and old age, or they are gracefully surrendered.”15 One ­74-year-old woman looked forlorn upon moving into an assisted living residence; I suggested that it must be challenging for her to leave her home for a small apartment. She pasted a smile on her face. She was stoic: “I’m sick. I have to be here.” Ostaseski recalls ­end-of-life individuals who review their life stories: “we find the courage to change in the second half of life [and] we often turn inward. The skills we developed to address the ­fi rst-half-of-life tasks are not sufficient or appropriate to support us on this next stage of our journey … we usually orient toward exploring the meaning of life, embracing mystery, cultivating wisdom, and relaxing a certain striving.”16 This ­goal-shifting is an aspect of transitioning. I call it rewiring. It takes growth plus grit.

Grieving Work Loss and Work Wounds While work identity is only part of your personality, losing that identity can entail a major grieving process. Everyone grieves in unique

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ways and there is no blueprint for steps 1, 2, or beyond. While some believe that Swiss American psychiatrist Elisabeth ­Kübler-Ross offered a blueprint of grief steps to follow, she later explained that her theory of grieving was never meant as a linear process. 17 There is no ladder of grief—first stepping into denial, then climbing into rage or anger, followed by bargaining and depression steps until finally there is blessed acceptance to top off your struggle. Most individuals ­f lip-f lop in grieving stages. Some skip certain steps. There is no set length of time for any grieving step. While these emotions were initially outlined in death grief, ­Kübler-Ross believed they applied to many kinds of loss. ­Kübler-Ross’s colleague, David Kessler, admits that the ­f ive-stage model of grieving cannot “prescribe,” but only “describe” a general process of grieving. After experiencing the death of his beloved adoptive son, Kessler added a sixth stage of “meaning.”18 There is the meaningful possibility of finding gratitude for time well spent with a loved one. Even after bad circumstances, a person can rewire with a ­g rowth-and-grit mindset and locate new meanings. In grieving it is possible to develop more passion and persistence, or grit. Grief can awaken you to take a closer look at your internal narratives. Grief therapist Claire Bidwell Smith also wants to add a sixth step, anxiety, to ­Kübler-Ross’s model. Smith lost both of her parents to cancer by the time she was 25; as an only child, she slid into anxiety before getting a master’s degree in clinical psychology. She chose hospice work because of the compassionate care her father had received in hospice. Some of her grieving clients thought they were “doing it wrong” when they did not follow the ­Kübler-Ross ­f ive-stage model. Smith believes that normal grieving includes anxiety, or feelings of dread or foreboding. When she became pregnant with her first child, she understood how differently our culture treats the transitions of birth and death; birthing a child has much fanfare, but when there is a family death, the expectation is to move on quickly and be “back on track.” 19 Yes, anxiety may accompany seasoned citizens’ emotional maze when they experience the loss of a cherished relationship or a beloved career, although there are numerous personality parts that occur commonly in grieving. Insecurity, shame and guilt often emerge. Psychologist and grief researcher ­M ary-Frances O’Connor points out that grief never ends, as moments may overwhelm a person even years after loss. O’Connor distinguishes grief from grieving: “Grief is a moment that recurs over and over … grieving requires the difficult task of throwing out the map we have used to navigate our lives … grieving … is ultimately a type of learning … we must update our virtual maps, creating a revised cartography of our new lives.” New learning is key to rewiring.

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Recent research shows that there is wide variation in people’s experiences of maintaining some connection to a deceased loved one. Some carry out the perceived wishes of their loved one while others cherish music that was shared during their relationship. Representations of a loved one are coded in our neurons.20 Representations of a ­much-loved career are also coded in neurons. A developmental model of grieving, the Pinwheel Model of Bereavement, offers additions to the ideas of ­K übler-Ross and O’Connor’s research. Based upon the nursing research of Susan Carter21 and clinical work of Ann ­Solari-Twadell and colleagues at Loyola University, Chicago, this commonsense model recognizes the complexities in grief work. Often feeling tired, individuals report their grieving process as “work.” In the Pinwheel Model there is a ­back-and-forth process where one day you face learning to live your life after loss with gratitude; on another day you feel emotionally tossed about as if in a windstorm of swirling turmoil. Picture a toy pinwheel with an initiating wind of loss. Some feel completely blown away by loss. Others thrive after bouts of grieving as they are anchored by their personal history, the very center of the pinwheel. I view this centering as connecting with a conscious and compassionate core self. The amount of turning and spinning of your pinwheel of grieving also depends upon your reservoir of resilience built up over a lifetime. Grieving issues include: •  being stopped or interrupted in your life following loss •  feeling pain and hurting emotions (not everyone experiences anger, but most feel sadness) •  yearning for all that has been lost (sensing a hole in your life) •  holding desire, often a holding onto what was good •  seeking meaning, comfort, support •  valuing what matters most and provides purpose in life When individuals revisit their losses, the time they spend in whirlwind emotions is usually of a shorter duration with the cultivation of strengths: •  •  •  • 

surrendering or a releasing experience which can occur at any time opening to reality with hope, trust, and increasing confidence finding renewed balance to rejoin life investing in love and energy in new people and/or new situations22

In my personal life, as well as my professional life with clients who grieved a variety of losses, I came to view grief as a ­maze-like process where it was common to feel completely lost.23 Grief transitioning is like no other transition in life. People do not know what to say to you. Some say unbelievable

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things. When my husband died suddenly, a woman said to me, “You are too pretty to live alone.” Another advised, “What you need is a ­boy-toy,” suggesting that a younger man could take the place of my beloved husband from a ­30-year marriage. Several people gave the unwanted advice of getting a dog. Instead, I gathered passion and persistence (grit). Transitioning well after loss happens by mulling over life stories and considering your own legacy story. With a ­g rowth-and-grit mindset, you learn that you can rewire in any situation. However, loss of precious people in your life can complicate the loss of a work identity: 69, female (works 15–20 hours a week): “I did not expect to be without a partner in this last stage of life … does the world need me at this time? I would like to see retirement as a time of ripening reconciliation, continued growth. It could be lonely.” In transitioning well, you tend and befriend yourself with resilience that is larger than your grieving due to a work wound, the loss of a relationship, or a physical illness. For example, you might focus on the resilience of gratitude. The power of gratitude takes you closer to ­self-compassion and compassion for others. You hold onto a sense of gratitude for something that has meaning in your life. Consider the story of Sono, a Japanese Zen master. She was consulted by many individuals when they experienced sorrow and grief. The wise woman’s advice was always the same—repeat these words every day: “Thank you for everything. I have no complaints whatsoever.” Whether the grieving was over a loss of finances, a failed relationship or a death, all who took Sono’s advice found happiness and healing.24 I found the simple act of keeping a daily gratitude journal to be one of my most powerful healers in grieving loss. At the end of each day you write down three things you feel grateful for. The items do not have to be monumental events. On a really difficult day, remind yourself to start thinking of something to write in your gratitude journal as the end of the day approaches.25 Calling upon a grateful part of your personality coaxes a sense of calmness.

Rewire ­Warm-Up I am 65 and I guess that puts me in with the geriatrics. But if there were 15 months in every year, I’d be only 48. That’s the trouble with us: We number everything. —James Thurber, cartoonist and author



4. Purposeful Vocations91 One difficulty with beyonder time is that it is so different from time spent working where keeping track of numbers was important. Antoine de ­S aint-Exupéry’s beloved childhood book, The Little Prince, challenges adults to enlarge their focus beyond numbers: “­Grown-ups love figures. When you tell that you have made a new friend, they never ask you any questions about the essential matters: They never [ask] …‘What game does he love best? Does he collect butterflies?’ Instead, they demand, ‘How old is he? … How much does he weigh? How much money does his father make?’ Only from these figures do they think they have learned anything about him.” Admit it. We are a culture of numbers. We awaited the daily reporting of grim COVID death numbers in the pandemic. What is more important than numbering is what can we learn from our experiences. 1 .  What did you learn from your various jobs? List at least one thing from each of the positions you held over the years. It is OK if what you learned was from a work wound. Wounded parts of our personality are important mentors in moving forward. 2 .  How does this learning apply to your present life circumstances? 3 .  What kind of time expenditure is of use today? 4 .  How does your notion of how to spend time connect with other people?

Retire/Rewire Corners When you choose to turn a corner from your previous habits of spending time, you create new habits to meet your basic needs. This may mean that you look for “satisficing” solutions and keep a gratitude journal. Many fail to grasp the incredible power of their negative ­self-talk. If you are a person who constantly criticizes yourself, as in thinking, “I can’t _____” or “I no longer have the skills to____,” you wire these messages into brain circuitry. When you repeat negatives frequently, they become ingrained in your storying like ­stored-up bullets in a gun. Canadian neuropsychologist Donald Hebb understood that “neurons that fire together, wire together.”26 If you are counting yourself out of circulation in your encore years, stop! Be a tender befriender of the critical part of your personality. Ask your inner critic what it is afraid of. I admit that some days it is not easy to embrace both gratitude and criticism. Our opposing emotional personality parts are what make us interesting. Color oppositions

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in paintings draw our keen attention. In the spring of 1887 French artist Vincent van Gogh rewired his palette. He called his ex­perimentation with color oppositions his “gymnastics”27; painting red next to green or orange next to blue made the intensity and movement of his artwork soar. Songwriter Don Schlitz and singer Kenny Rogers scored a hit with the song, “The Gambler.” The catchy phrasing can apply to holding onto certain habitual thoughts: “you got to know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away, and when to run….” Losing positive thoughts of yourself as a worker takes up considerable headspace. The loss of a work identity is different for everyone, but few give it much thought until work ends. Start rewiring your daily routines. You can make a resolution any time of the year. Perhaps it is even more important to plan resolutions ­off-season, away from New Year’s Day! The brain loves novelty, so you will find energy by focusing on a desired change with ­g rowth-and-grit. Think of retire/rewire resolutions as guideposts for daily living: 60, female (works 8–10 hours/week; volunteering varies): “It’s important to share your meaning of retirement with significant others … be aware of [your] partner’s [retirement] meaning … use wisdom/intelligence to ‘give back’ to help others.” 70, male (retired 5 years; volunteers 6 hours/week): “Planning ahead is key … got to think it through beforehand … [retirement is] exactly what I expected … [I] was ready and acted when opportunity came.” 74, female (retired 9 years; volunteering varies): “Retirement can mean at times feeling invisible and accepting the fact that ‘it’s not about me anymore,’ and welcoming that change … reposition with respectful curiosity about a different present and the future.” 76, male (retired 9 years): “One needs to evaluate yourself not in the context of what you did for a living. You are not your job, but something else…. Decide daily what matters most, and then do it…. Retirement needs to focus on change, big time … retirement gives many choices to expand a life.” Semiretired psychologist Teresa Amabile and colleagues researched ­p ost-employment life, as Amabile sought an “­e vidence-based retirement” for herself. Aware that many do not make retirement plans, Amabile identified twin processes that encore adults face—“life restructuring and identity bridging.” Both ­f ull-time retirees and ­part-timers have life restructuring. Not everyone faces the identity crisis.28 Some are ecstatic to be out of a job that they perceived as “over” for years before retirement. Life restructuring involves all your basic needs: energy for each day, discipline plans for structure, creativity in how you spend your time, belonging



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relationships, and chosen ability activities. If work was your benchmark for all of these, there may be a large gap in what comes next, even in meeting such simple energy needs as “Where/when will I eat?” One encore woman told Amabile: “my life structure now is that I have Sunday— Church Day—followed by Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday.” The structure of the workweek sets boundaries for many individuals. Working 9–5 weekdays curbed choices, so retirement may come as a big surprise in the possibility arena. As a daughter of a retired father told me on an airplane, “All my dad does is sit in front of the TV all day; he doesn’t know what to do with himself since he retired.” “Identity bridging” involves developing some ­non-work aspect of your identity. What calls to you now? Do you finally have time to create the opus you dreamed of earlier but never could create space for? Do you find there is time for precious solitude? Perhaps you use time for a deeper kind of reflection. Just recognizing that you have possibilities is freeing. There are many talents that people possess or perhaps are eager to enhance, in terms of an avocation or a deepening relationship. Amabile asked research participants, “Would you be more likely to say that your work is what you do or your work is who you are?” Women were more likely than men to say, “My work identity is who I am, but it is not all of who I am.” Amabile attributed this to the fact that some women took time off from work to raise children. I identify with these women. I cut my career back from ­f ull-time employment to ­part-time (three days a week) so that I had more time with my children. I thoroughly enjoyed both of my chosen commitments, although I recognize that women without a partner (who supports the family in a major way) are not able to have their cake and eat it too.

Encore Job Crafting Entrepreneur Chip Conley, CEO for 24 years in the boutique hotel business, found himself at a transition point when he left his post. At age 55 Conley was recruited by the ambitious and youthful founders of Airbnb, who had great technology skills but needed a mentor in the hospitality industry. Conley admitted that he never would have made the change with any success if he had held a fixed mindset; he needed the risk and creativity of a growth mindset to be open to new possibilities.29 Conley set up a program for others to retool their skill sets for a second or third work endeavor, finding that many midlife workers appear “­shell-shocked” regarding their coming transition to retirement. Conley established Wisdom@Airbnb in 2017 with a goal to have ­cross-fertilization between the generations.30 This idea applies to companies beyond Airbnb.

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Communities might harness the expertise of their seasoned citizens by letting them know of their local possibilities. In 2018, Conley created Modern Elder Academy (MEA) in El Pescadero, Mexico (Baja Sur California), where encore adults focus on the unexpected pleasures of aging. Conley’s list includes acknowledging good judgment, intuitive insight, emotional intelligence built through years of practice, holistic thinking, and a stewardship realization that beyonders impact future generations. 31 Attendees receive a certificate in “Mindset Management.” Spiritual writer Thomas Moore promotes a mindset with passion: “We talk about looking for the right job or finding meaningful work, but what we really want is work that we can love.” 32 Organizational psychologist Amy Wrzesniewski advocates a change mindset for “job crafting” to turn any job you have into a “calling”: •  Craft job boundaries through expanding or diminishing certain tasks. •  Craft interdependent relationships at work, perhaps mentoring younger employees; and/or •  “­Cognitive-craft” your perceptions of any job. In a study of hospital custodial staff, workers who reframed their work as “I am an ambassador,” or “I am a healer,” have a “calling” instead of a ­9-to-5 assignment.33 When you find either paying or volunteer work that you love, you gather energy and meaning. You rewire! Seasoned citizens in Conley’s program shifted their mindset on aging to become more adaptable and resilient. Opportunities to try new activities ranged from meditation and yoga to communal bread baking, improv acting, and comedy. Each group was a composite of different ­c areer-holders, yet their shared exploration of what it meant to be an encore adult held meaning and purpose for many beyond the ­week-long program. Conley believes that work may be described as 25 years of experience, but in reality it may be one year of experience copied 25 times.34 This was not the worker identity Conley wanted for himself. Other programs for encore adults to enliven their possibilities exist within university environments. For example, sociologist Phyllis Moen created the University of Minnesota Advanced Careers Initiative (UMAC) to bring Boomers back to campus. Encore adults reimagined their identities, engaged in intergenerational learning, and participated in community organizations.35 Actor John Barrymore observed, “A [wo]man is not old until regrets take the place of dreams.” Psychotherapist Bill O’Hanlon literally acts on his dreams. Author of



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39 books, he is contemplating his next ones! His catchy book title, Do One Thing Different, 36 was the impetus for an invitation to Oprah’s TV show. In the book’s ­20-year anniversary edition, O’Hanlon tells the moving story of how a person he never met read his book over and over, claiming this rereading action literally saved her life. She made small changes every day. After a successful psychotherapy practice, O’Hanlon ­job-crafted into coaching 300 individuals on book writing. I participated in his online course to organize my second book, Midlife Maze. Now O’Hanlon writes songs, often inspired by couples’ relationship issues that he worked with in the therapy office. He wrote 126 songs in a ­six-month period. This guy exudes a ­g rowth-and-grit mindset! You may ask when he sleeps. I wondered this, but O’Hanlon must have guessed that people were curious about it because he addressed sleep in a Zoom talk—he wakes up with book ideas on his mind! O’Hanlon fits the Boomer profile espoused by CEO of AARP, Jo Ann Jenkins: “We are a generation of makers and doers who have a desire to continue to explore our possibilities and to celebrate discovery over decline.”

Possibility Time I realize that all of my friends are retired except me. That’s probably why most of them are bored. It’s like they’re sitting around just waiting to die, but I do not subscribe to the belief it’s all downhill from here. Life isn’t over at ­sixty-five. —Terry McMillan, It’s Not All Downhill from Here: A Novel

With increasing improvements in health care, some beyonders will experience retirement years equal in length to working years. This trend likely differs from your parents’ generation. Currently, Americans 55+ make up about 25 percent of the nation’s labor force; however, they were hired in 49 percent of the 2.9 million jobs gained in 2018, accounting for the largest share of any age group. Those in the 25–54 age group (who constitute nearly ­t wo-thirds of the workforce) were hired in 45 percent of the jobs gained. Several reasons were suggested by analyst Philippa Dunne to account for this surprising data: •  40 percent of U.S. workers 55+ are managers or professional employees who are needed to train younger workers. •  Workers who are not in manual labor jobs can work longer.

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If you are one of the nearly 50 percent of individuals 55+ who is ­job-jumping, consider these questions: 1 .  What industry or new learning holds interest for you? Are there any “I always wanted to be…” thoughts from early years that you might entertain now? 2 .  Is there a part of your identity you have to let go to evolve into a new direction? 3 .  Which of your mastery skills are portable no matter what direction you choose? 4 .  Consider the individuals you most admire. What is one thing you wish they could teach you? How can you set out to learn it on your own?38

Learn Something New Too many individuals in retire/rewire years have a limited focus for possibilities in new learning. Stanford University professor of education Jo Boaler understands how women with a fixed mindset about learning mathematics often dropped out of studying math when they were young; some cemented their belief that they were not good at math for their entire life. However, women with a ­g rowth-and-grit mindset, believing anyone can learn anything to some extent, rejected stereotypical messages and were successful in math. The notion of “not good enough” holds people hostage from what could be satisfying avocations in beyonder years. Boaler points out that the very definition of learning is about growth: “Every time we learn, our brains form, strengthen, or connect neural pathways … we are all on a growth journey.”39 Times of difficulty in learning something new are actually good for the brain! Some of our best lessons occur when we flounder. According to researchers at the National Institutes of Health (NIH), brains are better able to consolidate and retain new skills (learned a few seconds earlier) by indulging in short rest periods. This is good news for those of us who enjoy a coffee or tea break while working! “Everyone thinks you need to ‘practice, practice, practice’ when learning something



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new. Instead … resting, early and often, may be just as critical to learning as practice,” reports physician Leonardo Cohen, senior investigator at NIH’s National Institute of Neurological Disorders and Stroke.40 Previously, it was believed that brains only required a good night’s sleep to bolster memory in practicing a new skill. However, spreading out a learning process into small chunks, with short rests throughout the day, bolsters new learning. I find that gardening breaks help my writing practice. Figure out exactly what ­i nterest-break helps you. Grit, or passion and perseverance, can take you where you want to go in terms of new learning. If you find actions that have meaning for you in your present life, you are fortunate. I am forever grateful for my psychology career, as it is versatile and has challenged me in good ways. It is my belief that work challenges are what young people—today’s elementary school students—will face in their future. A report by Dell Technologies and the Institute for the Future predicted that 85 percent of the jobs in 2039 have not been invented yet! There is no evidence for this percentage,41 yet it is certain that new industries will emerge for the next generations of workers. The new work force will also face identity issues. How might those of us in the encore years help them prepare for future possibilities? Perhaps we first examine what we learned from our own work difficulties. German philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche wrote about the meaning of existence and believed that embracing difficulties was necessary for life fulfillment: “That which does not kill us makes us stronger.” While some jobs do face ­death-defying circumstances, many individuals experience discrimination, harassment, and other job indignities. Another gem from Nietzsche is a warning: “Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process [s]he does not become a monster.” One legacy that seasoned citizens might pass onto younger workers is to model a mentoring mentality. Whether you currently engage in paid employment, pro bono work, or volunteering, there is a need for you to mentor others: “there are certain forms of knowledge that can’t be put into rules or recipes—practical forms of knowledge that only mentors can teach … a mentor lets you come alongside and participate in a thousand situations … [learning is] more caught than taught.”42 In every aspect of life, and especially in work life, your brain’s neuroplasticity caught learning experiences and wired them into neural pathways to shape your present thinking and behavior. Now is the time to reconsider what your work experiences meant for you. In earlier times it was believed that your personality was stuck, set like plaster at age 30. However, longitudinal research findings show that traits of personality have more plasticity than plaster in middle and older age. People exhibit unique patterns of development at every stage of life, but overall, individuals show increased ­s elf-confidence, warmth,

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s­ elf-control, and emotional stability with age.43 Winston Churchill lived with a ­g rowth-and-grit mindset: “Never give up on something that you can’t go a day without thinking about.” Believing something is possible decreases stress and increases dopamine levels in the brain; just anticipating a pleasure response leads to feelings of pleasure. When you endorse possibilities in your life, you influence your emotional regulation. In the internet age, encore adults are creating online customers of everything from craft items on Etsy to learning webinars. A New Yorker staff writer and ­c o-founder of the podcast Planet Money, Adam Davidson advocates for individuals to find their passion and ask these questions: “What are you selling? Who wants it? Why do they want it?”44 Not everyone has an entrepreneurial spirit, but a market exists for newcomers who want to create some online venture. Whatever ideas you may entertain, infuse playfulness into your aspirations. Children are always learning, and often they learn most through play. They do not need the Latin proverb, “As long as you live, keep learning how to live.” Children tinker with various aspects of any game to make it unique. When do adults turn off such creativity? Consider some new tasks for playful tinkering.

Make Creativity a Priority There is no cap on creativity years. Do not give up on your own basic need for creativity in your encore years. Thomas Edison showed amazing passion and perseverance (grit) in his lightbulb deliberations: “I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.” Chinese American computer scientist Andrew Ng, formerly of Google and now founder of Coursera Deep Learning, has grit in the field of artificial intelligence: “In my own life, I found that whenever I wasn’t sure what to do next, I would go and learn a lot, read a lot, talk to experts. I don’t know how the human brain works but it’s almost magical: when you read enough or talk to enough experts, when you have enough inputs, new ideas start appearing.” You do not have to be a genius to pursue creativity in your thinking about possibilities. I love the idea of Canadian consultant to the U.N. ­L ee-Anne Ragan, who urges one to evolve from an “empty nest” to a “refeathered nest”—a place of possibility, creativity and delight! Think/do something creative every day. Ruth Richards, educational psychologist and psychiatrist, believes in everyday creativity where individuals adapt flexibly, improvise, and try different possibilities. Similar to Ny’s idea, once you focus on everyday creativity, it appears more. Richards sees creativity as universal and a key to ­self-development: “One need not make or produce something. One



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can bring more creative choice to one’s lived experience … everyday creativity is less about what we do than how we do it.”45 Psychologist Teresa Amabile found that the more frequently people experience meaning and a sense of progress, the more likely they will find that creativity accompanies them. She cites the time Steve Jobs was trying to entice John Sculley to leave his successful career at PepsiCo to become the CEO of Apple. Jobs asked: “Do you want to spend the rest of your life selling sugared water or do you want a chance to change the world?”46 Each person has a chance to create change in the world in positive ways. ­S elf-doubt can hold you hostage! Likewise, suppressing ­s elf-doubt does not work well either. Think of your retirement years as being a student of rewiring. You are both teacher and student for your encore years. Master teachers know what works best in the classroom: normalize errors and avoid reprimanding a student for getting something wrong. In the classroom of life, many of us still need to learn this lesson. When you beat up on yourself or doubt your ability, you are not focusing on the present moment. How can you think of ways to move forward if you are blaming or shaming yourself? ­Past-focus efforts take you down a rabbit hole that leads to despair, frustration, and hopelessness. Call out the part of your personality that doubts your ability to make any changes. Accept that this part of you wants to protect you from future failure. Thank this protective part! We all have a part in our personalities that worries, but some individuals have runaway fear or anxiety. In contrast, the creative part of your personality does not dwell on fear, but rather on curiosity. Be curious as you ask yourself ­open-ended questions: •  How can I make ______ happen? •  What specific things can I begin to do? •  How have others successfully handled an impasse? Use focused questions to realize an unfocused sense of possibility.47 Perhaps the greatest aspect of creativity is the little surprise or “aha” when some novel thought sees beyond habitual thinking. Psychiatrist and brain researcher Srini Pillay notes that some people believe that they are not “­r ight-brained,” and therefore have no creativity. This is a myth, as research suggests that creativity activates a widespread network in the brain and does not favor either hemisphere over the other.48 Embrace rewiring your whole brain. Albert Einstein wrote a letter of encouragement to his creative son who had passion for playing the piano: “the way to learn the most, [is] … when you are doing something with such enjoyment that you don’t notice that the time passes. I am sometimes so wrapped up in my work that I forget about the noon meal.” Practice increases creativity, but so

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does exercise. Researchers found that walking boosts creative output by 60 percent, perhaps because a variety of areas in the brain are firing at once.49 There are business leaders who regularly schedule walking meetings. An unusual and fun approach to promote creativity is to ask yourself: “What is the most useless idea you can imagine?” ­Follow-up: “What are the best features of this terrible idea?”50 In his book, Life at Work, spiritual writer Thomas Moore models: “An opus is the lifelong process of getting life together and becoming a real person, and it is no coincidence that the word is also used for a musical composition or an artist’s total production. You are also a work of art.” Keep at the drawing board. In this chapter we considered work identities and how they may lead you into finding ­p ost-retirement vocational activities. In Chapter 5 we address meaningful volunteer activities.

5

Purposeful Volunteering The meaning of life is to find your gift. The purpose of life is to give it away. —Pablo Picasso, Spanish artist It is only through disruptions and confusion that we grow and are set free, jarred out of ourselves by the collision of someone else’s private world with our own. —Joyce Carol Oates, writer

All of us are connected in more ways than we may acknowledge. Internationally recognized leader in the disability community, beyonder Judy Heumann faces life as a quadriplegic resulting from polio at the tender age of 18 months. She declares that any story about making the world a better place involves a “we,” not an “I.”1 As social psychologist Adam Waytz points out, other individuals greatly influence our behavior, and we underestimate their ability to do it. We also underestimate our ability to have any influence on others.2 An ­89-year-old woman who completed my Retirement Survey believed in community networking as early as her high school years. She was her school’s delegate to the National Conference of Christians and Jews, working to build a just and interracial community in the St. Louis area. ­Fast-forward 70+ years—this spunky octogenarian called herself “an outlier!” Around her dining room table, she initiated an ongoing community group of seasoned citizens to discuss common aging concerns. Soon a community organization was born to work together on such topics as ­co-housing for beyonders. She is a good example of an encore adult who is a servant leader. Physician Rachel Naomi Remen observed: “When you help, you see life as weak; when you fix, you see life as broken; and when you serve, you see life as whole.” Many encore adults volunteered to receive ­e arly-testing samples of COVID vaccines; others routinely join research studies to receive a placebo or a trial medication for a variety of illnesses. Seasoned citizens plan to “volunteer” even after death, by donating organs for transplant 101

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purposes or research. Our ability to thrive as a species stems from our “unprecedented ability to cooperate flexibly in large numbers,” according to historian Yuval Noah Harari. Humans exhibit such ­large-scale cooperation due to their acceptance of common myths or story plots that people pass onto others.3 Your legacy stories that you pass onto the next generations have power. Start thinking about your legacy narratives. How can you model ­tend-and-befriend philanthropic and volunteer endeavors for younger generations? Recall David Brooks’ project, #WeavethePeople (see Chapter 2). As you weave possibilities for yourself in retire/rewire years, where is the meaning in volunteer efforts?

­One-of-a-Kind Actions Dance icon Martha Graham gave advice to ­d ancer-choreographer Agnes De Mille. Graham shared this ­g rowth-and-grit mindset for new endeavors: “There is a vitality, a life force … that is translated through you into action, and there is only one of you in all time. This expression is unique, and if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium … it is not your business to determine how good it is, nor how it compares with other expression. It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly, to keep the channel open … to the urges that motivate you.”4 You may question how one person’s efforts can make a difference. Consider the opinion of the Dalai Lama: “If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.” Journalist Dorothy Day, founder of the Catholic Worker Movement, explained one person’s effort: “People say, what is the sense of our small effort? A pebble cast into a pond causes ripples that spread in all directions. Each one of our thoughts, words and deeds is like that. No one has a right to sit down and feel hopeless. There is too much work to do.” Whether on an individual basis, a community group project, or in corporate philanthropy, volunteer efforts have influence effects that ripple through communities. For example, a single workday of volunteering—an employee group cooperating in repainting buildings and building a playground in a city park—fostered relationships among the coworkers and made them feel more connected and committed to their company. Active participation in voluntary work provides belongingness in social interactions for seasoned citizens, as well as providing valuable service. When considering “What are the blessings of retirement,” many of my Retirement Survey participants reported volunteer possibilities: 72, female (works 15–20 hours/week; volunteering varies): “Volunteering has been critical to adjusting to life after spousal



5. Purposeful Volunteering103 loss. Giving without expectation, staying active, and meeting new, interesting people are a bonus!” 73, male (retired 6 years; volunteers 20 hours/week): “I find my calendar is more hectic than I expected because there are so many interesting things to do.” 73, male (retired 7 years; volunteers 10–20 hours/week): “helping my children enjoy life … being an activist to change our world for the better.” 74, female (retired 9 years; volunteering varies): “My dreams are to continue to become more of who I am and what I value, ‘the best me’ and to be available to those—family, friends, strangers—who need me.” 75, female (retired 14 years; volunteers 3 hours/week): “I do miss my workplace friends, but I still see some of them and I have made some new friends through volunteering.” 75, male (retired 3 years; volunteers 20 hours/week): “Sometimes I feel isolated when I’m not doing volunteer work, or otherwise in social situations … retirement allows me to focus on developing as a real person … it allows me to pursue my real passions.” 76, female (retired 8 years; volunteers 6 hours/week): “time to volunteer for the causes I am interested in…. I have many more new interests than I had before; I have a wider social justice calling.” 78, female (retired 14 years; volunteering varies): “I can share my skills with others to make a better world.” 80, female (semiretired 20 years; volunteers 15 hours/week): “time to make and keep connections with important people and the larger earth … treasure each day and let go of regrets.”

Psychologist Laura Carstensen suggests that we change the script of work years. Instead of working ­f ull-time in younger years (to retire as soon as possible), why not spread out the working years? She favors creating a balance with work, family and civic life to span across the decades to the 80s. Carstensen’s work script has younger workers ease into work, as they often care for young children, and older workers would ease back out just as gradually.5 ­Part-time work during childrearing years could involve shorter work weeks, shorter daily shifts, flextime, ­job-sharing, or working from home. Before it was popular, I arranged to ­job-share in a public high school as a school psychologist working within a ­self-contained special education program while I had an infant and a preschooler at home. This arrangement also allowed time for me to volunteer some evenings on several boards in my community.

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Resilient Longevity Includes Volunteering Psychologist Lewis Terman studied 1,500 gifted individuals beginning in 1921 and followed them for their lifetimes. In ­follow-up research, psychologists Howard Friedman and Leslie Martin wanted to understand what contributed to resilient personalities for longevity. They also wanted to dispel retirement myths: “Retire as soon as you can and play more golf to stay healthy and live longer!” “Take it easy and don’t work so hard and you will stay healthier!” If such myths do not increase your longevity, what does? Their findings reinforce the idea that having compassion for oneself and others is ­health-giving. Having a purpose for daily living, along with meaningful activities, are good omens for longevity. Meeting the basic need of belongingness is key. Notice how these findings of resilient beyonder adults support developing a ­g rowth-and-grit-mindset: •  Being “suited to one’s job” did not always predict a longer life. Instead, contributing factors were thoughtful planning, a sense of control and accomplishment, and perseverance (grit). Taking the easy way out was not healthy. •  To stay healthy and live longer, embrace social health (or belongingness). Those who cared about others, who were “agreeable but not necessarily sociable,” thrived even in adverse circumstances. •  Cheerfulness does not equal longevity. It is living with purpose, working hard, reaching out to others, and bouncing back from difficult times that matter. •  Religious seasoned citizens lived longer. Perhaps this relates to healthier lifestyles. Also, many religious individuals foster belongingness in their communities: “those who were engaged with others lived longer lives.”6 CEO Edgar Bronfman retired at age 65 and began interviewing retirees. Similar to my results, he discovered many encore individuals who had no ­post-retirement plans. He took offense at the saying he had heard to summarize retirement: “I have time to kill.” Instead, Bronfman viewed retirement as a new skill to master. His father’s generation operated with an assumption that life was performed in two acts: years of learning followed by years of working. Bronfman adopted a third act with three components—good mental health, active involvement, and love of life (passion). His motto endorses planning: “Retire to something, not from something.” Bronfman suggested that individuals start a volunteering life long before retiring: “Most elderly volunteers are just young volunteers who



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grew older.” 7 Compassion for others has health benefits at every age from Zoomers to Boomers and beyonders. Global research on volunteering in the UN’s “State of the World’s Volunteerism Report 2018: The Thread That Binds” estimates that there are 1 billion volunteers who give back to their communities, often in dire circumstances, “weaving a strong social fabric” for their people. Global volunteerism is extensive and exists in all societies: “[it] … exceeds the number of people employed in more than half of the 10 most populous countries.” Formal volunteering (in organizations) is almost evenly divided between women (51 percent) and men (49 percent), while informal volunteering (more spontaneous and happening directly between individuals) is more often ­female-supported (60 percent) worldwide.8 Volunteers find personal fulfillment when they are compassionate and contribute to the welfare of others. In a 2017 report by UnitedHealth Group, “Doing Good Is Good for You,” 75 percent of 2,705 adults (ages 18+) reported that volunteering enhanced their health, while 93 percent found that volunteer activities led to an improved mood; 79 percent reported that volunteering lowered stress levels. In addition to reducing loneliness, volunteers increased their time management and teamwork skills.9 Longitudinal studies of U.S. seasoned citizens (ages 60+) who engaged in volunteer activities reported better ­s elf-rated health, physical activity, and life satisfaction as well as decreased depression. Volunteering did not decrease the risk for having a chronic disease, as there are many factors involved with a disease process.10 A ­four-year study of 13,000 individuals (ages 50+) who volunteered two hours each week found that participants were happier, more optimistic, and exhibited a substantial reduced risk of mortality or developing physical limitations.11 Certain seasoned citizens who continue working during their entire lifetime live longer than average: Catholic nuns, symphony conductors and other musicians, scientists, professors, artists, journalists, actors, and clergy are examples.12 There always are exceptions. For the working poor in the U.S. (and in other countries), there may be no retirement, but these individuals often are volunteers. Volunteering is ­g rowth-and-grit territory; you never know what you are getting into when you take on any new project, but most find some aspect of new learning. Finding the best volunteer possibility can take time, according to one Retirement Survey participant: “I was surprised that it was harder to give away free labor than I expected; many opportunities are really ­low-skill level. Nonprofits are poorly organized … [in one instance] other volunteers were elbowing in to do the work, so clearly I was not needed.” The organization of volunteers may be skillful or lack structure. Another survey participant, a physician,

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was frustrated when he was turned down to join Doctors Without Borders. ­Post-retirement transitioning takes grit. Business consultant Ken Blanchard and physician Spencer Johnson wrote The New One Minute Manager with a simple message: “People who feel good about themselves produce good results.”13 ­Self-compassion leads to having compassion for others in the workplace, volunteer space, and home. ­One-minute praising (finding others doing something positive) and ­one-minute redirecting (of ­off-track behavior) applies both to volunteer work and paid work. The key is for any leader to ask: “Did I make sure the expectations were clear?” Bypassing blame and having a partnership approach gives most problems a reasonable chance of resolution. These ideas are akin to “servant leadership.”

Servant Leaders Recognizing the gifts of your various talents is a first step in volunteering. You likely have undeveloped talent that can surprise you if you begin to volunteer in some activity. Can you hit a nail with a hammer? An inspiring example of volunteering, President Jimmy Carter and his wife Rosalynn offered leadership for three decades in Habitat for Humanity. They extended ­post-presidential and unprecedented work for the American people by leading a group of volunteers in renovating an affordable housing ­six-story building for 19 families in New York City in 1984. The couple worked in 14 countries to build, renovate, and repair 4,331 homes, working in partnership with 103,000 volunteers. President Carter’s words capture volunteering at its best: “Habitat has successfully removed the stigma of charity by substituting it with a sense of partnership.”14 The Carters’ legacy of compassionate caring for those less fortunate is a model for many who can organize, build, paint, and otherwise contribute to providing shelter for families in need. A volunteer possibility that offers service opportunities for Americans 55+ is AmeriCorps Seniors. Encore adults use their wisdom to mentor and tutor others. Others expand their horizons and reach out to underserved populations like beyonders or veterans who need help in maintaining independence in their homes. The AARP Foundation Experience Corps offers individuals 50+ an intergenerational service project in tutoring children who score below grade level in reading by the fourth grade. Almost 40 percent of all U.S. fourth graders read below expected levels on a national reading test.15 An organization called Encore.org matches seasoned citizens with nonprofits across the country. Many ­pre-retirees join the Encore Fellows program. 16 There are extensive volunteer



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possibilities, but the important ingredients for successful volunteering are a ­g rowth-and-grit mindset and finding the right volunteer fit. Volunteering perspectives from my Retirement Survey often reflected “serving” values: 68, female (retired 4 years; ­volunteer-hunting): “I am in need of finding something more…. There are some causes I believe in … my life has always been ­goal-oriented with the goal being to help…. I am willing to do it on an individualized basis as acquaintances and friends have needed help and sometimes for months.” 70, female (retired 2 years; volunteers 12 hours/week): “This is a gift of time many don’t get, either because they die, or don’t [have] enough resources … [I want to] be of service to local community organizations, vote and advocate for solid public servants, be ecologically responsible, do my part to save the planet.” 72, male (retired at ages 52, 57, and 70; volunteers 10 hours/week): “[There] needs to be time for transition to do more of a variety of serving, teaching, mentoring the younger generation … an opportunity to serve … wisely providing my time, talents and treasures.” 76, male (retired 9 years; volunteers 20 hours/week): “Retirement gives many choices to expand a life … one needs to evaluate yourself not in [the] context of what you did for a living. You are not your job, but something else … a chance to learn and grow intellectually and spiritually.” 77, female (retired 21 years; volunteers 3 hours/week): “things have changed since you worked; respect those doing their jobs if you want to volunteer or help.” 86, male (retired 24 years; volunteers 5 hours/week): “Keep stimulated, find beauty and challenges every day. Don’t sweat about dying. Keep positive!” 98, female (my mother, retired 22 years; lifelong volunteer): “a time to refire the opportunities … with leaders in ­l ike-mind serving ‘for the people and by the people.’” AT&T management guru Robert Greenleaf coined the term “servant leadership” in his essay, “The Servant as Leader.”17 Learning from his mechanic and machinist father about community stewardship, Greenleaf noticed that many workers lacked a vision or mission for their organization; it was later in his career (at age 65) that he published his leadership perceptions. His theme, “servant leader,” emerged after reading the history of George Fox and the Religious Society of Friends (Quakers), the first religious

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group to both condemn slavery and forbid Quaker members from having slaves 100 years before the Civil War. Greenleaf endorsed a “pervasive social concern” in all viable organizations; more than administrators, he saw a need for “seekers” to provide a vision of how to get things done: “the transforming movement that raises the serving quality of any institution, large or small, begins with the initiative of one individual … no matter how large the institution or how substantial the movement.”18 It is often one person who fertilizes possibilities for growth in a group. Ken Blanchard and psychologist Morton Shaevitz advocated for individuals to find a sense of significance in their work and to adopt servant leadership in managing people at work.19 Similarly, there are many applications of servant leading for volunteers. Consider these characteristics for servant leaders from a poll of 130 leadership professionals: empathy was mentioned most, followed by caring, collaboration, compassion, honesty, ­open-mindedness, patience, and ­self-awareness. Compassion defines a core self. The top skills identified by industry leaders for a servant leader include “being a better listener, asking questions (instead of telling), developing people, building trust and ­d ay-to-day coaching.” 20 Some of the world’s most dynamic change agents—Mahatma Gandhi, Mother Teresa, Martin Luther King, Jr., Aung San Suu Kyi, Malala Yousafzai and Nelson Mandela—are considered servant leaders.21 To have a vision of your reasons for joining an organization, and certainly for volunteering for an organization, you want to access your personal values. Your values provide answers to the question, “What do I want to live by?”22 How conscious are you of the roots of your values? How many of your values are legacy values from ancestors?

Rewire ­Warm-Up Legacy. What is a legacy? It’s planting seeds in a garden you never get to see. —­Lin-Manuel Miranda, American playwright, composer and actor

While everyone maps their own journey, in retire/rewire years you may find awesome and unexpected possibilities. The sheer number of volunteer activities is dizzying. A few seasoned citizens wrote in my Retirement Survey that they are pleasantly surprised with how incredibly busy they are. Others reported having too much time unaccounted for. While there are possibilities about how to spend your days, first consider why you might engage in an activity. It likely connects to values.



5. Purposeful Volunteering109 Business and “­neuro-coach” Mark Waldman gives the following assignment on the first day of class in the Executive MBA Program at Loyola Marymount University (Los Angeles). While his CEO management students initially were unhappy with this assignment, nearly everyone found the exercise enlightening by the tenth day.23 It only takes a few minutes daily to become more conscious of your values. 1 .  Ask yourself each morning, “What is my deepest innermost value?” Notice how it feels when you say your value word(s). Repeat this value to yourself throughout your day. “Certain positive words—like peace or love—may actually have the power to alter the expression of genes throughout the brain and body, turning them on and off in ways that lower the amount of physical and emotional stress we normally experience throughout the day.”24 2 .  Do this exercise for 10 days in a row. Each day identify a core value that gives you a sense of meaning and purpose. You may come up with a list of words or you may find that you repeat words. Keep a small log. Record any feelings that occur during the day in doing this exercise. 3 .  On the eleventh day, answer these questions: What was your initial reaction to the exercise? Was the exercise enjoyable, boring, interesting, or annoying? How much time did you spend each day thinking about your inner values? 4 .  Did the exercise have any effect on your days? What did you discover? My addition to this practice is to look at your list of values again. A value is not only a noun, but more accurately a verb that takes some action on your part. For example, if you wrote “truth” as one of your ­ten-day values, now write “telling truth” (a ­value-in-action). Remember the sage advice: “Practice what you preach.” Catch yourself practicing your basic values daily. Decide what values you wish to pass on to others as your legacy.

Volunteering with Values Our values help us define what is important in life, so it is beneficial to be conscious of them. Social psychologist Shalom Schwartz began searching for a universal set of basic values in 1982. Collaborating with 150

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researchers and measuring values in 82 countries, he adopted six value themes: 1 .  Values are beliefs and when activated, they are infused with emotion. 2 .  Values refer to desirable goals that motivate actions. 3 .  Values transcend specific situations. 4 .  Values serve as standards to evaluate actions, policies, people, and events. 5 .  Individuals’ values form a set of priorities. 6 .  Any attitude or behavior typically involves more than one value and sometimes our values compete with one another.25 Yes, we confuse ourselves regularly. Ten values that research suggests are recognized across cultures have both conflicts and compatibility among them. For example, you may have values about achieving and exercising power, while at the same time valuing benevolent actions. Or you may embrace the value of stimulating novelty, but also hold onto values of tradition and security. This is the conundrum of being human! Our values and the parts of our personalities have opposites. Compare your list of 10 days of jotting down your values with this research list of values. What can you discover about yourself? •  Self-direction: autonomy, independence, creativity, freedom, curious, independent •  Stimulation: excitement, novelty, daring •  Hedonism: pleasure, sensuous, ­self-indulgent •  Achievement: competence, ambitious, successful, capable, influential •  Power: prestige, control, dominance, authority •  Security: safety, harmony, stability (of society, of relationships, and of self), healthy •  Conformity: obedient, ­self-discipline, politeness, loyal, responsible •  Tradition: respect, commitment, acceptance (of the customs and ideas that one’s culture or religion provides), humble, devout, responsiveness (to expectations from the past) •  Benevolence: concern (for others’ welfare), helpful, honest, forgiving, responsible, loyal, true friendship, mature love, sense of belonging, meaning in life, a spiritual life, cooperative •  Universalism: understanding, appreciation, tolerance, protection (for the welfare of all people and for nature), social justice, equality, world at peace, world of beauty, unity with nature, wisdom, inner harmony, spiritual life



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Like many encore individuals, I learned about core values from my parents and grandparents. One of my core values is universalism, which includes concern for the welfare of people in larger society plus a concern for preserving nature. I follow in the footsteps of my mother’s universalism value in terms of my psychology career. Serving as a coordinator of parent and community volunteers for Head Start for 31 years, Mom tried to retire a couple of times, but her boss would not accept her retirement. Finally, she told her boss that she heard “76 trombones marching her out!” She left her post at age 76, but she continued in community volunteer and outreach initiatives for 20 years until her health and the 2020 COVID pandemic kept her sheltered in place. Mom’s passionate attachment to educating preschool children and their parents led to my initial work as a school psychologist and later work as a family therapist. My volunteering with local boards and groups supporting parents and caregivers for children stems from my mother’s legacy modeling. Also, I am a ­nature-lover, having grown up in the farmlands of my paternal grandparents in northern Indiana. My paternal grandmother and my father had wonderful vegetable gardens that produced food for every season. Canning tomato juice and green beans or freezing corn and peas were ­t ime-consuming activities that commanded the attention of many family hands each summer. I did not appreciate my playtime and summer reading interruptions due to ­food-prep duties until I was an adult. My grandma’s flower garden was the epicenter of many happy childhood hours for me. I picked bouquets for Grandma’s Arts and Crafts vases and pretended that the f lower garden belonged to me and the kittens who scampered around me. Baby bunnies and chicks on the farm were a source of wonder and joy. I helped Grandma gather eggs from seasoned hens. Grandma protected me from certain ­v icious-beaked hens guarding their nests, taking on the cantankerous personalities herself. We weighed each egg on a little scale to fill medium, large, or ­extra-large egg boxes. Life on my grandparents’ farm was a constant source of work, but it had a rhythm that was comforting, along with consuming comfort foods ­co-created by many hands in Grandma’s kitchen. Walking back along the lane to Grandpa’s maple syrup camp, I loved the beauty and expansive feeling of fields. I love my field of psychology work, but I also love spending time in my backyard “field.” Today I work in many gardens and volunteer as a Master Gardener docent in Chicago’s Millennium Park Lurie Garden. Dutch garden designer Piet Oudolf captured the essence of planning this garden: “Garden design isn’t just about plants; it is about emotion, atmosphere, a sense of contemplation. You try to move people with what you do … it goes deeper than what you see. It reminds you of something in the genes … the longing for nature.” Substitute the word “volunteering”

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for Oudolf ’s “garden design” and the word “universalism” for the word “nature.” Our values exude meaning and purpose. I know many seasoned citizens who treasure nature’s bounty and happily volunteer their time in winter months to grow plants for their neighborhood conservatory’s annual plant sale each spring. Master Gardeners care for neighborhood gardens all over the country; many are in their beyonder years. There are multiple reasons to tend and befriend gardens, but brain health is an important reason. “Gardening has been shown in multiple studies to be associated with a reduced risk of cognitive decline or dementia in older adults,” according to physician David Carr, professor of geriatric medicine. We are wired to have a security value for safety and health. Is this value a conscious one for you? Name your values and see where they lead you today. Perhaps you want to delve into a new passion. What value(s) might lead you in that direction?

Possibility Time When you’re 20, you worry about what everybody is thinking of you; When you’re 40, you don’t give a damn about what anybody thinks of you; When you’re 60, you realize nobody’s been thinking about you at all. —Daniel Amen, psychiatrist, Change Your Brain, Change Your Life

The important question is what you think about your ­well-being. Italian actress Sophia Loren pronounced: “Sometimes when I say I’m 86, I don’t believe it. I feel 20!” Ask questions of yourself in your encore years. I agree with consultants Andrew Sobel and Jerold Panas that questions stimulate your thinking. In fact, they maintain that good questions are often more important than answers. Have you ever noticed after having a conversation with someone that the aspect you recall later was some question asked of you? Here are questions to take you into your past and possibly propel you into your future: 1 .  Where did you grow up? 2 .  How did you end up living where you live now? 3 .  Who taught you? How did you learn your craft? 4 .  How did you decide to do that at the time? If that had fallen through … what do you think would have happened? 5 .  What was the toughest life lesson you have had to learn?



5. Purposeful Volunteering113 6 .  What do you focus on most during your retirement (or ­preretirement)? 7 .  Have you developed a ­longer-term agenda for yourself?26

A Purpose with Passion Your values contribute to your sense of purpose in beyonder years. Having a purpose aligns with what I call rewiring: a renewed ­s elf-organization to provide a sense of meaning. As found in longitudinal research, having a purpose leads to feelings of satisfaction, mental and physical ­well-being, and may even add to your longevity.27 Recognizing “ikigai,” a sense of purpose (or life worth living), is associated with longevity in Japan; “some people have found their ikigai, while others are still looking, though they carry it within them.”28 Psychologist Jonathan Haidt uses the term “elevation” to describe the warm, satisfying sensations in the chest or a lump in one’s throat when individuals are motivated to act more compassionately after they watch another person act in a helping manner. A research study gave mothers of babies a video to watch with either elevation or amusement themes. Those who watched the ­elevation-inducing video were more likely to nurse or cuddle their babies. Such elevation is linked to our physiology of the ­tend-and-befriend hormone of oxytocin.29 Our biological inclination to be helpers and cuddlers is hopeful (See Chapter 3). We need more Love plots in the stories we create for ourselves. Enlist the advice of Seneca the Younger (4 bc–ad65) when he reportedly said, “Old age is full of enjoyment if you know how to use it.” Perhaps you have already found good ways to spend your retire/rewire years. If nothing has caught your fancy yet, British editor Rebecca ­Burn-Callander offers reflections on finding the passion in life that has eluded you. She cautions that your passion does not have to be a job, as there are many things worth doing that do not entail a paycheck. Volunteering will not pay you in dollars, but it may bring benefits that surprise you. These questions can prove useful: “What subject could you read 55 books about without getting bored? What could you do for 5 years straight without getting paid? What would you do if you had the complete financial wellbeing to do anything?”30 One ­70-year-old man wrote on my Retirement Survey that he has 500 books he wants to read! He hopes to have enough time to pass on his own legacy wisdom. Consider ­p assion-possibility suggestions of entrepreneur Oliver Emberton, founder of British software ­start-up Silktide. If you combine several of your skills together, you might uncover your passion. “Say you’re

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an average artist, with a decent sense of humor,” explains Emberton. “You won’t have much hope without an art degree, and you can’t study ‘humor’ as a subject. But you could be an awesome cartoonist.” Emberton’s point is that successful people with passion are seldom defined by one skill area. Also, he proposes that passion often follows projects that you start from scratch. There are few instantaneous successes, as most passions that reach fulfillment take a great deal of work. This is ­g rowth-and-grit territory. Ask your friends and family for their ideas about their passions. Experiment with new activities or perhaps pick up on something you enjoyed as a child. Imagine that you are jumping out of bed every morning; yes, we covered this in Chapter 1. Imagine that you are enthusiastic about today. What do you want to invent or reinvent in your precious time? Marketing consultant Dorie Clark suggests there are two kinds of reinvention: “There’s the slow and steady what I call the ‘lowercase r’ reinvention and then there’s ‘capital R’ reinvention where there’s some kind of a break or a disjunct in people’s lives.” When Clark was laid off from her journalist job, she did not have a Plan B and had to create a new narrative for herself. Her Pursuit plot evolved into a ­spin-master role for political candidates, a nonprofit advocacy, and eventually a consulting business launch. While she wrote a book for executives at all stages of their careers who want something different for themselves, her broad advice applies to those who have retired and find that they need a new personal brand.31 Many seasoned citizens rewire with reinvention that entails small changes ­day-to-day. Finding online courses, auditing college courses, and building new networks outside of previous work prove satisfying. After you learn something new, who might want to learn from you? It is not just changing your own perceptions of possibilities; you may want to make new connections with people who do not pigeonhole you into one kind of activity. Social media can prove useful in this regard as you cast a wider network for your future. You may develop a Quest plot—passion for many different activities. For optimal brain development in your encore years, you might choose new tasks where you are not already proficient. The Global Council of Brain Health Studies found that the brain games that many encore individuals think will increase cognitive functioning have little to offer your brain if you keep repeating the same games. Crossword puzzles and sudoku are not the most cognitively demanding activities. Instead, continuing to engage in new experiences, learning new skills, and volunteering in ways that are new to you are good choices. When you adopt cognitively stimulating activities you increase “cognitive reserve.” Building this reserve will allow you to have better coping skills with ­a ge-related brain changes; it may reduce your risk for dementia or Parkinson’s and reduce the severity



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of symptoms if such diseases occur. Cognitive reserve also can reduce the effects of strokes and traumatic brain injuries.32 This may be the motivation that leads you to jump into community volunteering.

Volunteering Close to Home One place many seasoned citizens volunteer is in caring for grandchildren. This is more prevalent than the public grasps; 8 percent of young children in the United States live with their grandparents. Furthermore, “about a third of children under age one, and about ­one-fifth of preschoolers, are cared for by their grandparents. One in every 15 grandparents contributes extensive care—the equivalent of a ­f ull-time job—for their grandchildren while the parents are at work. In times of family trouble, grandparents may take over as their grandchildren’s primary guardians; one in 10 grandparents performs this duty for at least six months.”33 Across cultures, many in retire/rewire years look forward to the possibility of spending precious time with grandchildren. I met a spice store owner in Grenada who could not wait to retire so she could enjoy her grandchildren more often. There are seasoned citizens without their own grandchildren—or those who have family too far away to tend and befriend frequently—who “adopt” children in a regular volunteer position by going to their public library to read stories to preschoolers. All of us might take the sage advice of an anonymous ­six-year-old: “Anyone could be family. You just have to love each other and feed each other.” Anthropologist Kristen Hawkes suggests that a “grandmother hypothesis” explains why there is survival beyond the reproductive years. Grandmothers often provide food to ensure the survival of their grandchildren—a continuation of their genetic lineage. When a daughter has help in childrearing, she may produce more surviving offspring, which has the consequence of producing more of the grandparents’ descendants. And the more fit the grandparent, the more they provide help. 34 Child development specialist Susan Kettman cautions, “Most cultures, notably our own, do not train grandparents for their important job. It is pretty much accepted that when the time comes, the wisdom of a lifetime will guide the way.”35 However, many grandparents find a Riddle plot in handling grandchildren; kids often challenge adult thinking. While caring for grandchildren requires a ­g rowth-and-grit mindset, caring for a relative with an ­end-stage illness or dementia is even more challenging and deserves training opportunities. If you are a caregiver for a loved one in either of these situations, you must increase your ­self-compassion. “Caring for caregivers” is finally being recognized as a

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critical stage in family development. Social psychologist Judith Moskowitz and her research team worked with dementia caregivers to improve their health and ­well-being. Caregivers practiced ­p ositive-emotion skills. A control group simply reported in a survey on emotions they felt every day. The caregivers who practiced the emotion skills ended up having more positivity, as well as experiencing less depression and anxiety compared to the control group. It was most telling when the practicing group of caregivers could be positive even when their stress levels were rated high. Many of these caregivers had become accustomed to neglecting themselves; just giving themselves permission to take deep breaths and notice one positive event in their day was a revealing experience for them. Training in positive emotions for caregivers combined these steps: •  Notice even tiny positive events: as an antidote to relentless negatives, become aware of the good things in your life. •  Capitalize on positive emotions: find ways to extend and savor positive emotions, perhaps by telling someone else, writing them down, or recalling them later. •  Become mindful: be aware of the present moment without judgment. Learn a mindful breathing exercise and incorporate mindfulness into daily activities (perhaps you can start when brushing your teeth or washing dishes). •  Note personal strengths: recognize your personal resources and how you use them daily as an antidote to helplessness. •  Set attainable goals: choose small gains that allow you to feel accomplished and successful.36 The loss issues with dementia progression in a loved one may cause great distress, both emotionally and physically. As physical needs increase for the dementia patient, the ­d ay-to-day caregiver work becomes harder. Knowing when and how to find additional assistance is critical.

­Cleaning-Out Volunteering My parents moved from their home of 50 years to a retirement home (with extra stuff piled in the basement) and later to an assisted living ­t wo-bedroom apartment (with extra stuff in another basement). Each downsizing move was a strenuous event for our family. Perhaps your current home needs a volunteer. Mine does. I give away books from one bookshelf and later it takes in a few more books. Sorting and cleaning out are at best creative activities, and at worst a seemingly endless chore in the beyonder years unless you keep a tight rein on ­s tuff-accumulation. My



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excuse for stuffing my home is having two packrat ­Depression-era parents who held onto everything because “you never know when you might need it.” This attitude is not helpful, as I often watched my mother become frustrated when she knew she had saved an item, although she had no idea where it was located. Your stuff can stifle you, as one ­68-year-old woman suggested on her Retirement Survey response: “I need to get free of my current home and things.” Lawyer Maria Leonard Olsen moved into a small cottage after a divorce and found having less stuff “freeing.” Whether you downsize or not, Olsen’s advice is valuable: “reclaim a corner of your dwelling just for you and things that inspire you. It can be your meditation space, your recharging space, your place to practice a pause before reacting or responding to whatever life has thrown at you.”37 Swedish death cleaning intrigues me. Artist Margareta Magnusson describes herself as “somewhere between 80 and 100 years old.” She offers ­packing-up and ­paring-down advice so loved ones are not left with a huge chore. You can start anytime, even if you are years away from death; you ease into the notion that you will leave the planet someday. And Magnusson does not intend for death cleaning to be sad or just for others! She simply states: “I have death cleaned so many times for others, I’ll be damned if someone else has to death clean after me … when I was younger, I never used to have the time to sit and think about what an object meant to me in my life … the number of possessions grows … the weight of all those things can begin to seem tiring … death cleaning … is about a permanent form of organization that makes your everyday life run more smoothly.”38 If you have a house, you might start in the basement or attic. I started in my basement. I realize that I have emotional attachments to stuff, especially items from precious relatives and many friends. I am challenged with acknowledging that certain treasures have fulfilled their life span in my home. One of the best pieces of advice about downsizing a home came from a woman who had been retired for five years. She shared a technique that she learned from a Jerry Seinfeld clip: “Everything is garbage. Some is garbage now, and the rest is garbage later!” She uses these words when she cleans out a closet. She gives away, or otherwise moves out, the garbage of now. She gathers boxes to keep the rest, labeling each box with the words “Garbage Later!” Rabbi Hyman Schachtel wisely reminds us: “Happiness is not having what you want but wanting what you have.” Japanese tidying consultant Marie Kondo uses a gratitude approach: when you give away an object, you touch it and say, “Thank you for all you have done for me.” You keep up this ritual of giving away unnecessary objects until all you have left are the ones that “spark joy.” When this house cleansing occurs, Kondo asserts that tidying changes your mindset:

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“You can see any issues you have been avoiding … you will be compelled to reset your life.” Such ­de-cluttering is one form of rewiring. When you can master the art of discarding, you may have a more spacious feel to your environment. Kondo rules start with discarding one category, perhaps one’s clothing or books. Kondo surely would wag a finger at me, as I have books in every room of my house. So far, I have followed only one of Kondo’s rules: “Don’t do it every day!” However, ­big-time tidying is supposed to be completed within a single timeframe so that you transform a room quickly and know where to put everything.39 I prefer volunteering in Master Gardener events rather than in Master Cleaner ones. Do you have excess stuff or clutter to give away? Ruthless declutterer Dana White defines clutter as any item that consistently “gets out of control.” She implores: “Are you living above your Clutter Threshold (exceeding both the limits of what you can handle and the space available in your home)?” White’s advice is simple, but I find it difficult when it comes to my scarves and bookshelves. How did White know that these are two of my clutter challenges? You may reach Master Cleaner status before me. White advocates embracing a Container Concept—for example, designate a container to hold scarves. Fill it with your favorite scarves first. When the container is full, you have the scarves you can keep! White calls a bookshelf a container; if your shelves are full you have to ditch books that cannot fit.40 She suggests you apply this Container Concept to every room of your house (with some containers on the large size if you are like me). The key to keep from overwhelming your volunteer Master Cleaner part is to take small steps, surface by surface, shelf by shelf. White does not advocate pulling everything out of your closet all at once. Take out a segment of one closet at a time and always keep a Donate Box (or two) handy. Writer Christian McEwen has a ­one-liner approach to cleaning out: every day find five things that you can part with. Decide whether each thing goes to garbage, recycling, a local thrift store, or to a friend who would enjoy it. Make the practice one of curiosity: What will I find today? What can I let go? Her practice of Slow Cleaning provides a certain kind of liberation. Finding what makes the cut to stay with you becomes chosen and a source of gratitude.41 If you can make McEwen’s process work, downsizing might feel creative. Or you may prefer the Swedish or Japanese possibilities. Or maybe you don’t find the clutter trail creative or even want to spend your time decluttering. Can you find another person to help you? You may be helping them by allowing them to volunteer in cleaning out your stuff. Cleaning out is not a happy dance for everyone. Follow the advice of philosopher and poet Suzy Kassem (who follows the advice of her Egyptian grandfather): “Whatever your passion is, keep doing it. Don’t



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waste time chasing after success or comparing yourself to others. Every flower blooms at its own pace. Excel at doing what your passion is.” In this chapter we considered the possibilities of meaningful volunteer activities. In Chapter 6 we tackle the ­d ay-to-day health and wealth of seasoned citizens.

6

Be a Curator of Health’s Wealth Wherever we’re putting the mind, we’re necessarily putting the body. —Ellen Langer, psychologist It is health that is the real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver. —Mahatma Gandhi, Indian lawyer

John Clarke’s 1639 book of English and Latin proverbs advises, “Early to bed and early to rise, makes a [wo]man healthy, wealthy, and wise.” Yes, Benjamin Franklin’s Poor Richard’s Almanack in 1735 popularized the quip, but it is likely that Clarke borrowed the words also, as proverbs were shared via word of mouth. Notice how “healthy” comes first—and rightly so. Good health is our greatest treasure. However, we know why monetary wealth is addressed so frequently when considering retirement. Without an income, pension, or saved pot of gold for the golden years, ­d ay-to-day life is tough—especially if your health is compromised. Let’s address monetary wealth with brevity, as many retirement books cover financial planning extensively. An Indian proverb addresses planning: “All the flowers of all the tomorrows are in the seeds of today.” Some encore adults planted some retirement pennies early; many could not, and others did not. A billboard in Seattle captivated my curiosity: “They say 1 in 3 people won’t retire. They haven’t met you.” I searched online to see if this was true. Billboards not only stretch their words across highways, but sometimes stretch the truth. Research suggests that one in four Americans expects to never retire. Some Americans simply cannot afford to retire from a ­low-wage job. Overall, people are saving less for retirement. Savers are challenged among both millennials and Boomers. Of those who save, millennials are reported to start saving for their encore years beginning 120



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at age 26; Boomers reportedly did not begin lining their nest egg until age 31 and many only began saving around age 50.1 Is your retirement plot ­R ags-to-Riches or more of a Sacrifice plot?

Saving for Retire/Rewire Years Saving for retirement is simply not happening in the U.S. to the extent necessary for a long life. Not finding a ­good-paying job with benefits is more prevalent than you might think; it partly relates to employers. Employers may not offer retirement plans, nor educate their workers about saving plans, and/or not hire ­f ull-time employees who receive benefits.2 According to the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics, in 2020 the median wage for U.S. male employees was $55,744 (across all occupations) and $46,488 for women.3 Race and ethnicity also are factors in salaries; 44 percent of all workers (aged 18–64) were ­low-wage workers with a median annual income of $17,950 prior to the pandemic.4 Unfortunately, the pandemic made this economic picture more dire. Many face financial hardship: “too embarrassed or ashamed to talk about it … we fake normal as best as we can, trying to keep up appearances as the floor collapses underneath us,” wrote Boomer Elizabeth White. Formerly employed by the World Bank, White obtained her MBA degree at Harvard, became an entrepreneur and then lost her ­start-up business. Neither a failed business nor ­part-time consulting work provided retirement benefits. Her Underdog plot of having no retirement savings is happening across America. White discovered that she and others 55+ were not finding jobs commensurate with their abilities in the post–­2008-recession economy. White suggests that many who have not saved up for retirement have to “small up…[with] ­space-saving homes.”5 “­Small-up” living may become more commonplace. British ­long-range planning is impressive. From 2002 onward, Britain initiated giving every infant an invested endowment through the Child Trust Fund. The account can fund education or a business ­start-up after age 18. Education is a strong factor in preparing for retirement funds.6 Money for retire/rewire years picked up steam in 1935 in America when ­s team-train-riding President Franklin D. Roosevelt initiated the Social Security Act; money was extracted from workers’ paychecks each month, to be returned to them in retirement. Predating this initiative was a version of social security following the Civil War when thousands of disabled veterans, widows, and orphans received pensions.7 Farmers have their own version of retirement plans by giving their children the family farm in exchange for eldercare.

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Researchers at the Stanford Center on Longevity suggest that to retire at age 65 (with your current standard of living), you need to stash 10–17 percent of your current income into a retirement account. This applies if you started saving at age 25. The reality is that one out of five U.S. individuals (21 percent) do not save any money annually; 20 percent save 5 percent or less, and 28 percent save 6–10 percent. Only 16 percent are saving more than 15 percent of their income.8 And 48 percent of those 55+ have nothing put away in a 401(k)-style contribution plan or individual retirement account.9 However, some savers cannot cash in their ­hard-earned pennies later. The 2008 recession affected many individuals’ finances. An ­82-year-old man wrote in my Retirement Survey: “I retired January 1, 2009, and my 401(k) was badly damaged.” Plan A suggests that Americans need a ­g rowth-and-grit mindset that includes handling money (and backup planning). Plan B relies upon younger generations to bail out encore adults. Psychologist Lynda Gratton and economist Andrew Scott teach their MBA students at the London Business School to consider a probable long life: “If you live 100 years, save around 10 percent of your income and want to retire on 50 percent of your final salary, at what age will you be able to retire?” Students are shocked to hear the answer: into your 80s! We might teach about retirement savings plans to high school students. Few can attend ­B -school. While money is important for a long life, the professors acknowledge that the biggest challenge to longevity is health inequality; life expectancy gains are not equal among socioeconomic classes.10 Health and wealth interrelate. As life span increases for many, biomedical research is helping to delay the health effects of aging. This has huge fiscal implications, according to economist Dana Goldman. Research on the biology of aging is critical to per capita medical costs declining. When current beyonders require 24 percent of Medicare’s expenditures for care in their last years, the system is strained. 11 However, the economic fallout of poor health is not the only concern. How do you feel when you are infirm? What is your quality of life when you are not healthy? We might apply advice that is attributed to Benjamin Franklin: “An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure,” originally about safe removal of hot coals in the fireplace! Today Franklin’s pithy words are invoked to prevent all kinds of danger. Is your physical and/or mental health in danger? Franklin was humorous: “You may delay, but time will not.” OK, you may have had enough of Ben Franklin, but he was wise in describing time: “Lost time is never found again.” Your present time is precious. How positively you “spend” your time and how you care for your health make up your true wealth.



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Time to Heal Thyself Successful aging is characterized by many ingredients, but your health and engagement with life are key.12 When there is a health snafu, each of us participates in our own healing of what ails us. Psychologist and gerontologist Ken Dychtwald wrote Bodymind in 1977, but neuroscientist Candace Pert explained the science: “Mind doesn’t dominate body, it becomes body—body and mind are one … when we explore the role that emotions play in the body, as expressed through the neuropeptide molecules … emotions can be seen as a key to the understanding of disease.”13 Too often we lose contact with our bodymind health as a connected entity. French philosopher Simone Weil said it best: “Mind and body have become strangers to one another. Contact has been lost.” •  The word “health” means “whole” (from Germanic hail and Old English hale) and “holy” (from Old Norse helge). “Health!” was a salutation or toast to wish welfare or prosperity for someone. Appearing at the beginning/ending of written letters, the root meaning “whole” in Russian meant “to salute,” or “I’m wishing you wholeness.” Later Russian translations became “I kiss (you).”14 “Healthy” ­definition-tracing proves interesting. There are many possibilities for health and wholeness. Injured moon jellyfish “heal” by swimming. If they lose half of their arms, they relax and contract their muscles through swimming until the remaining limbs rearrange to be symmetrical.15 Jellyfish rehabilitation relies on movement just like much human rehabilitation. Battered butterflies still fly! When I asked, “Where do you feel stuck or burdened by retirement?” on my Retirement Survey, the predominant concerns were battered bodymind wellness: 72, male (retired 6 years): “Health issues can be a damper.” 73, female (works 18 hours a week; volunteers 15 hours/week): “I equate retirement with poor health, ­self-limiting beliefs…. During semiretirement, health concerns have come to the forefront at times. People seem to think that I have more time than I do … a part of me revolts.” 73, male (retired 8 years): “not [burdened] by retirement per se, but by health/aging issues.” 75, male (works 23 hours/week): “greater frailty, loss of energy and stamina.” 77, female (retired 13 years; volunteers 4 hours weekly): “Health issues take up more time than anticipated … engagement in community…[is my] sanity.”

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Part II—Activity Possibilities 77, male (retired 17 years; volunteers 3 hours/week): “Physically slowing down and at times not getting anything done in the time that it used to take.” 84, female (retired 22 years; volunteering varies): “about 10 years ago, I began having some serious health problems which have really limited me…. I deal with a lot of stiffness and pain … it has been quite a rough adjustment … retirement can be depressing … fraught with the deaths of longtime friends.”

The pandemic intensified health concerns among beyonders. A ­64-year-old female shared angst: “The pandemic has been hard on my colleagues and myself … retirement scares me to be honest. I worry about losing my sense of purpose and identity…. I feel my fragility and my age more and have constant reminders of how short life really is.” Another woman, age 73, offered sober losses: “Take nothing for granted. Three husbands of friends and two acquaintances died from COVID … now that I am older and have some underlying health issues, I am more aware of enjoying life now and that all of us have a life end. When I was young, it was hard to realize that, even when older family members died.” Psychologist Norman Anderson understands health basics: “health is more than the absence of disease … emotions are a crucial part of the ‘connective tissue’ that binds the other determinants to longevity.” 16 How you feel about your bodymind is critical. Psychologist Barbara Fredrickson’s “ ­broaden-and-build” theory of positive emotions focuses on people’s daily experiences of positivity. Over time your positive emotions broaden and build, a deposit that you can draw on when times are tough. Using ­loving-kindness meditation (see later in this chapter), research participants increased their personal assets—­l ife-purpose development and social support—while decreasing illness and depressive symptoms. Research links positive emotions with combatting lingering cardiovascular aftereffects of stressful experiences and negative emotions.17 ­Ten-year longitudinal research of 69,744 female nurses (ages 58–86) showed that nurses with the highest scores on an optimism questionnaire lived 15 percent longer than those with the least optimistic life outlook. “­High-optimists” had a 50 percent greater chance of reaching age 85. The study followed 1,429 men (ages 41–90) for 30 years; the most optimistic men lived 11 percent longer than the least optimistic men with a 70 percent greater chance of living to age 85!18 Looking on the bright side translates into coping with a plethora of issues. Formal education is important, but researchers found that one can make up for earlier educational disadvantages by engaging in stimulating activities and/or jobs. MIDUS, Midlife in the United States, is one of



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the largest studies to survey people ages 32–84.19 Results found that into midlife (ages 35–64) and beyond, people made up for a lack of schooling by reading, writing, attending lectures, or even doing word games. People with the fewest years of schooling showed the greatest benefits! One benefit was in episodic memory or ­long-term memory of everyday events and past personal situations. This encouraging research suggests that meeting our birthright ability needs through learning may slow the negative aspects of aging by a decade.20 There are no deadlines for finishing a degree program. Additional research recommends knitting and photography as learning possibilities. Learning a new language increases brain activation in a more integrated ­multi-path brain network, even in ­short-term training.21 Learning new skills ­broadens-and-builds your positivity bank account.

Memory Lane Memory is a frequent worry among seasoned citizens. Memory is a complex set of steps in the brain. I view aging memory as a checkingaccount passbook—it goes up and down through life. In a TED talk, psychologist Elizabeth Loftus discusses other metaphors: “[while] people believe that memory works like a recording device … decades of research has shown that’s not the case. Memory is constructed and reconstructed. It’s more like a Wikipedia page—you can go change it, but so can other people!”22 Unfortunately, people are highly influenced by another’s misinformation. This may be inadvertent, but people are suggestible. The good news is that our procedural memory, our memory of how to type on a computer keyboard or ride a bicycle, is seldom affected by aging. People often remember information that has importance in their lives. However, it is mild impairment in recollection, especially in remembering names, that is worrisome. Psychologist Alan Castel studies memory and aging; he admits that he forgot his locker combination at the gym after missing gym time for several weeks! Also, he forgets people’s names: “The reason we do not remember names is that we don’t do much to remember them, as we hear them and rapidly forget them.” Information overload is problematic for beyonders’ memory. Be intentional about what is worth remembering. Multitasking may delay several tasks at once!23 It is a normal thing to occasionally forget where you parked your car in the grocery store parking lot, but it is not normal to forget that you own a car. Psychologist Laura Carstensen clarifies forgetfulness: “dementia is not part of normal aging— it is a disease.”24 Your working memory starts a slow decline early in adulthood, covering up initial (and gradual) changes. You may not notice early

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differences. When you have unscheduled time and you experience “senior moments,” you notice memory gaps. Beyonders joke about forgetting: “Being diagnosed with memory loss isn’t the worst thing that can happen to you, because in 15 minutes, you’ll have forgotten all about it.” What can you do to improve ­off-putting memory lapses? Psychologist Michael Aisenberg explains how memories are encoded in the brain. When you have more neurons engaged with material, there is a greater likelihood for recall. A simple intentional strategy for improving recall is to retell new information to another person shortly after learning it. Also, using several sensory modalities increases memory. Saying a new name aloud adds auditory processing to ongoing cognitive processing.25 Making up unusual cues improves recall. Is there something ­e ye-catching about the new person you just met? Perhaps you notice the gray hair color of Gayle—remember ­silver-lining Gayle. Visual processing is a strong ­memory-enhancer. Let’s face it. What seasoned citizens’ worry part is most fixated on is “catching” dementia, as if it is viral. Maria Carrillo, chief science officer for the Alzheimer’s Association global research program, states, “While there is no proven cure or treatment for Alzheimer’s, a large body of research now strongly suggests that combining healthy habits … reduces your risk of cognitive decline.” This is reassuring, although less so for females. ­Two-thirds of those living with Alzheimer’s disease in the U.S. are women, and it is not necessarily due to women living longer. One factor is a faster rate of memory decline among women who did not engage in waged employment compared to those who were active in the labor force. Pregnancy may offer some protection for women who have three or more children (compared to having one child).26 This reminds me of the “grandmother hypothesis” (see Chapter 5); when there are grandchildren to feed and shelter, a grandmother requires a vigorous, long life. One in eight older Americans has Alzheimer’s. The risk of this crippling disease doubles every five years after age 65. President Obama signed the National Alzheimer’s Project Act into law in 2011, earmarking $130 million for research in fiscal years 2012–2013, plus an additional $26 million for Alzheimer’s services, professional training, and public education. Obama’s Secretary of Health and Human Services, Kathleen Sebelius, established a National Advisory Council on Alzheimer’s Research, Care, and Services. An emphasis on prevention, as well as addressing the “silver tsunami” of ­long-life beyonders, were goals. The American Psychological Association called for interdisciplinary teams, in addition to physicians, to plan comprehensive treatments. Prevention of dementia addresses the known health risks of obesity, diabetes, hypertension, smoking, depression, and mental and/or physical inactivity. 27 For example, smoking in



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early adulthood is detrimental to cognitive health as early as your 40s. Heavy drinking has an association for increased risk of dementia in encore women.28 We have possibilities to flatten the upward curve of Alzheimer’s disease. Accompanying encore worries about Alzheimer’s is the worrisome burden of eldercare for a beloved relative who already has the disease. Gerontologist Sandi Peters cautions caretakers of dementia patients: “We almost universally deny personhood to elders in this stage … what caregivers need now is a working understanding of Self or soul … providing compassionate care … requires caregivers to have an appreciation for the sacred and for mystery … we do not know how our hearts might be opened as a result of encountering this disease.”29 Disoriented seasoned citizens often have family members who cannot understand their formerly vibrant parent or partner and may feel inadequate in terms of caretaking. Writer Elizabeth Berg captures the complexities in her parents’ relating when her father’s Alzheimer’s disease progressed: “First my mom wanted to move, and then she didn’t. Then my dad wanted to move, and then he didn’t.” Unpredictability and confusion characterize dementia. When cognitive loss occurs, reality is a moving target. Relating becomes challenging. It becomes difficult to build upon a dementia patient’s personal strengths. However, one eldercare approach, Eden Alternative, holds fast to the idea of continuing growth. Their innovative practice with ­long-care facilities involves plants, children, and pets as helpers with beyonders’ loneliness, helplessness, and boredom. In 1997 Eden Alternative joined other programs to create the Pioneer Network, a ­not-for-profit ­forward-thinking group that fosters ­p erson-centered ­long-term care to address each individual’s spirit, mind, and body. 30 Changing patronizing speech about aging is one goal of the Pioneer Network.

Bodymind Memory Research findings, shared at the Alzheimer’s Association International Conference, listed healthy lifestyle choices—including healthy diet, exercise, and cognitive stimulation—as best practices to decrease your risk of cognitive decline. Reading is a form of mental gymnastics and is one way to prevent dementia, as it uses many parts of the brain. Taking another’s perspective and figuring out why story characters (or characters in your life) act the way they do stimulates thinking. Billionaire Warren Buffett claims to read 80 percent of his days.31 I wonder how many of Buffett’s book selections are about the wealth of health. I am an avid reader of

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nonfiction, but I also read countless novels for a monthly book club (lasting 25+ years). ­A nglo-Canadian cognitive psychologist Keith Oatley studied the psychology of fiction. Reading is a solitary act, although it benefits social intelligence: “fiction … prompts us towards emotions … it affords insights into ourselves and others … people often think the word ‘fiction’ means untrue, but…[stories] are not false; they are about … what is possible for us human beings.” For example, when reading the word “smiled” in fiction, readers vicariously smile.32 Reading is a form of creativity. I believe creativity is a birthright need. Psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi also viewed it as essential: “creativity is a central source of meaning in our lives … when we are involved in it, we feel that we are living more fully than during the rest of life.”33 Who does not want to feel more fully alive? Remember the 7–20 possible plots in novel and movie stories (see Introduction). What creative plots are foundations of your ­story-house 34 personality? Your cognitive account grows with multiple deposits. A ­14-year ­follow-up of 1,845 participants (Chicago Health and Aging Project) and 920 participants (Rush Memory and Aging Project) found that those who adopted four to five ­low-risk lifestyle behaviors had a 60 percent lower risk of Alzheimer’s when compared with participants who did not follow any or only one of the ­low-risk factors. Adding one more factor decreased a participant’s risk 27 percent. Consider a healthy diet, at least 150 minutes per week of moderate to vigorous physical activity, not smoking, light alcohol intake, and engaging in cognitive stimulation.35 The brain damage caused by Alzheimer’s does not result in the same degree of cognitive impairment in all who suffer this disease. Is it possible to lessen the degree of impairment in beyonders? Is it possible to escape Alzheimer’s cognitive bankruptcy if you have a genetic link? More answers are needed. A 2018 study tested Americans 60+ to see whether they had the APOE gene, which delivers an increased risk of Alzheimer’s disease. The good news is that carrying this gene does not equal a 100 percent chance of developing dementia. Psychologist Becky Levy evaluated results from the longitudinal University of Michigan Health and Retirement Study. Levy’s team followed 4,765 people (average age of 72) who were free of dementia at the start of the study. Individuals with positive age beliefs (who carry the ε4 variant of the APOE gene) were 49.8 percent less likely to develop Alzheimer’s disease than negative peers! Levy advocates for a public health campaign to address negative age beliefs.36 She determined that aging stereotypes are internalized across the life span and operate without consciousness. ­Dementia-free participants (Baltimore Longitudinal Study of Aging) had yearly MRIs and later brain autopsies. Participants with more



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negative age stereotypes earlier in life had significantly adverse outcomes in brain structure and pathology compared with participants with more positive ­a ge-related perceptions. India holds seasoned citizens in deep regard, while the U.S. has a prevalence of negative age stereotypes; in addition, diet has been linked to why the rate of Alzheimer’s disease in the U.S. is five times the rate in India.37 Research findings (1976–2016) provide U.S. health associations: •  Obesity has an association with cardiovascular diseases, numerous cancer sites, psoriasis, multiple sclerosis, kidney stones, and eye disease. •  Physical inactivity relates to cardiovascular diseases, breast cancer, psoriasis, and neurodegeneration. •  Smoking has a correlation with type 2 diabetes, cardiovascular diseases, colorectal and pancreatic cancer, psoriasis, multiple sclerosis, and eye disease. •  Sleep issues may underlie chronic diseases.38 Let’s dig into healthy possibilities in each of the above areas.

Are You What You Eat? Eat NUTS! Eat lots of different kinds of nuts! ­Hunter-gatherers who ate nuts and berries lived long enough to populate the planet. Nuts are a major source of flavonoids. Absorbed flavonoids “accumulate in brain hippocampal regions involved in learning and memory.” Pistachios stimulate gamma brain waves necessary for improving processing of information and maintenance of memories. Pistachios can enhance sleep! The resin of the pistachio plant was medicine for stomach complaints 3,000 years ago. Peanuts (legumes, not nuts) increase delta brain waves and link to immune responding and healing, as well as deep sleep. Walnuts tackle harmful inflammation in the brain, as well as curbing eating when you are full.3940 We often turn to carbohydrates and fats when we feel stressed. In caretaking worry, carbs and fats are not your best choice. If eating is how you reach for ­de-stressing, gather nuts or berries! Do not overlook spices. Two of my favorites are turmeric and cinnamon. Turmeric, related to ginger, has been popular in medicinal uses in India for centuries (for breathing problems, rheumatism, pain, and fatigue). Turmeric has been studied for use with Alzheimer’s disease and prostate and colon cancer.41 Ceylon cinnamon helps stabilize insulin levels in type 2 diabetes. Cinnamon contains ­c ancer-fighting enzymes and has ­a nti-inflammatory effects.42 Put cinnamon on your breakfast cereal; add

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some to coffee/tea. Hippocrates, called the father of medicine, is recorded as saying, “If we could give every individual the right amount of nourishment and exercise, not too little and not too much, we would have found the safest way to health.” Master his advice. Journalist Dan Buettner investigated longevity in five places in the world (Blue Zones) where people lived the longest, healthiest lives with a disproportionately high number of ­100-year-old residents. Buettner partnered with National Geographic and the National Institute on Aging to study habits of people who live in Ikaria, Greece; Loma Linda, California; Sardinia, Italy; Okinawa, Japan; and Nicoya, Costa Rica: “only about 25 percent of how long we live is dictated by genes … the other 75 percent is determined by our lifestyles and the everyday choices we make.” Consider centenarian choices: •  Eat two ounces of nuts, four to five times a week. Nutty eaters may add two years to their life! •  Drink coffee or tea, with and without caffeine (no cream, no sugar). Drink your beverage socially, as in afternoon tea. •  A daily drink of beer, wine, or spirits is acceptable, especially if paired with friend time. Do not save up for one week and binge a week’s worth of wine on Saturday night. •  Eat meals with family and friends. Many centenarians eat a primarily ­plant-based diet which may give you an extra two years. Beans are a staple and number one longevity food. •  Eating seven or more servings of fruit and veggies a day may lower a risk of premature death by 42 percent. •  Change the size of your plate (from a ­1 2-inch to a ­10-inch plate); you will eat 23 percent less. I often do this. •  Beyonders in Okinawa say “hara hachi bu,” a ­Confucian-inspired mantra meaning “belly 80% full” before each meal. Make up your own mantra to cut calories. •  Nearly all Okinawan centenarians are gardeners, providing both healthy food and daily physical exercise.43 If you do not (or cannot) garden, visit others’ organic gardens! Cultural critic Wendell Berry summarizes U.S. corporate attitudes: “People are fed by the food industry, which pays no attention to health, and are treated by the health industry, which pays no attention to food.” Many people try diet after diet. Journalist Michael Pollan sums up eating rules with seven words: “Eat food. Not too much. Mostly plants.”44 This describes the Japanese approach to food, ­Shoku-iku, meaning food education.45 No calorie counting is needed! Our Western diets often are subtraction diets where you limit what you eat (­low-carb, ­g luten-free). Instead,

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the Japanese practical approach uses multiple small dishes—including many different colored vegetables, rice and some protein—and shares eating with others. If you are looking for a diet plan, consider the MIND diet—a hybrid of the Mediterranean and DASH (Dietary Approaches to Stop Hypertension) diets. Epidemiologist Martha Clare Morris and colleagues developed the MIND diet based upon research linking certain foods to effects on brain functioning.46 One simply eats healthy foods without rigidity. Benefits can occur for individuals who follow the diet in moderation: if a person is challenged in limiting red meat to four servings per week, they still can reach the goal of eating one leafy green vegetable daily. Nuts or nut butters are an everyday recommendation! Morris claims the MIND diet is protective against many different health conditions, including dementia.47 You might guess that daily sugary desserts are not recommended. Rewire with ­health-filled nutrition possibilities, including beverage choices.

Sobering Facts Research published by JAMA Psychiatry in 2017 included 40,000+ Americans with sobering results. Significantly, many Americans are not sober: between 2001 and 2013 there was an increase in ­1 2-month alcohol usage in the total population. There was also an increase in ­h igh-risk drinking, especially in women, encore adults, racial/ethnic minorities, and the socioeconomically disadvantaged. Researchers believe that this public health crisis was not highlighted due to increases in much less prevalent substance use (marijuana, opiates, and heroin) during the same timeframe.48 Drinking definitions are established by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention: •  Moderate drinking for women is up to 1 drink per day: for men, up to 2 drinks per day. •  Binge drinking (single occasion) for women is 4+ drinks; for men, 5+ drinks. •  Heavy drinking per week is defined for women as 8+ drinks; for men, 15+ drinks.49 ­L ong-term health risks of excessive alcohol use include liver disease, heart disease, digestive problems, increased cancer risk, memory problems (including dementia), mental health issues (anxiety and depression), social problems (family issues, unemployment), and alcoholism. For women, excessive drinking is often ignored, as women do not need to drink as much as men to encounter the same adverse effects; women’s bodies

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process alcohol differently from men. 50 Breast cancer risk is associated with alcohol consumption in early and later adult life, even at low levels of consumption.51 Management consultant Marilyn Paul suggests that many individuals substitute eating, drinking, or other stimulation for what they actually desire: “a deeper, more profound sense of peace and happiness … stillness and awe … or gratitude and genial company.”52 Addictions curb your possibilities.

Rewire ­Warm-Up The myth that our brains are fixed and that we simply don’t have the aptitude for certain topics is not only scientifically inaccurate; it is omnipresent and negatively impacts not only education but many other events in our everyday lives. —Jo Boaler, British mathematics professor, Limitless Mind

We need to tend and befriend our bodymind. How long have you been sitting and reading? Let’s exercise! You can do this bit of rewiring from your chair or wheelchair. Rewire energy in your face and feet. Qigong (pronounced “­c hee-gong”) Master Chunyi Lin advises: “Put a smile on your face.” A smile releases muscle tension and sends a powerful message throughout your bodymind. Change your posture. Sit up! Look up! When your face looks up, you may feel more energetic. The motivated part of your personality perks up. What is your name for your ­I-think-I-can part of you? Be conscious of your feet. My tai chi teacher, Bea DeFranco, suggests that you send “energy blooming” to one part of your body where you have aches or pains. You may feel energy when you focus on your feet in an exercise recommended by Bea and many physical therapists. This exercise is practiced either standing or sitting. 1 .  You can exercise one foot at a time or both feet together. Put weight on the ball, padded support of the big toe, the little toe, and your heel. Press these three areas of each foot into the floor. This will raise your foot’s arch, even if only a little. Hold for a few seconds and then slowly lower your toes flat on the floor again while keeping your raised arch. Hold in this position for one minute. When you raise your arch, your foot length shortens slightly, giving the name, “short foot.” 2 .  Keep your knee pointing forward over the center of your foot. 3 .  Try “short foot” while leaning slightly forward.



6. Be a Curator of Health’s Wealth133 4 .  If possible, stand. Try to balance on one “short foot” while raising your other foot off the floor. Fix your gaze across the room and hold for 30–60 seconds. Do this on both sides. Is one side of your body better at balancing? 5 .  Try “short foot” with your eyes closed for 10 seconds. How does this work for you? This simple practice will help you the more you practice. If you exercise with another person, remind each other to do ­face-to-foot practice often! Benefits include improved stability of your bodymind with joint alignments. Warm up your smile and your feet.

Brains Require Exercise Brains crave exercise, both cognitive and physical. ­Hunter-gatherers experienced both in their food hunting for nearly two million years; farming/herding only emerged around 12,000 years ago.53 It is believed that due to our bipedal status, our brains are more cognitively challenged than those of quadrupedal ancestors! There is an additive energy effect of combining physical exercise with cognitive demands in terms of producing new neurons. In a study of over 7,000 ­m iddle-age-and-beyond adults, researchers reported that individuals who spent more time in moderate to vigorous physical exercise had larger hippocampal volumes (implicated in memory) as well as an expanded prefrontal cortex (facilitating ­decision-making). In addition to helping reduce the risk of Alzheimer’s, exercise improves the function of many organ systems.54 Do not believe that it is too late to begin exercising. You do not have to join a gym. Can you stand another ageist joke? ­W hite-haired woman: “Instead of the John I call my bathroom the ‘Jim!’ That way it sounds better when I say I go to the ‘Jim’ first thing every morning!” Create a home exercise practice to follow your morning Jim visit. Cultivate exercise success by choosing actions that you enjoy for a minimum of 15 minutes, three days a week. Consistency is more important than intensity. Health psychologist Kelly McGonigal sees any sustained physical activity as ­stress-reducing and producing an exercise “high” that triggers don’­t-worry-be-happy chemicals. This positivity primes you to connect with others; individuals report better interactions with friends and family on days when they exercise. Disciplined exercisers report a stronger sense of purpose and are less lonely. These results hold across every socioeconomic group and even apply to people with chronic pain, physical disabilities, serious mental or physical illness, and hospice care.

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Regular exercisers who are sedentary for two weeks become more anxious, tired, and even hostile. Within one week of missing their regular physical activity, they report a 31 percent decline in life satisfaction.55 Somatic psychotherapist Susan McConnell finds that people can release painful psychological issues that are held in the body’s tissues and organs.56 Airing backstories of psychic wounds increases bodymind awareness. Studies suggest how effectively aerobic exercise strengthens your brain, even preventing decline of cognition. 57 Yoga and aerobic exercise have similar effects on the brain. Yoga is a 3,­0 00-year-old bodymind practice with origins in Indian philosophy. Yoga combines physical postures, rhythmic breathing, and mindfulness meditation. Research demonstrates a positive effect of yoga on the brain’s networking (with no internet needed). Studies had individuals with no prior yoga experience participate in one or more yoga sessions per week (for 10–24 weeks). Researchers compared the Hatha yoga participants’ brain health preand ­p ost-intervention and found positive changes—increases in the volume of the hippocampus (memory processing), a larger amygdala (emotional regulation), a more efficient prefrontal cortex (planning and ­d ecision-making), and brain default mode network changes (planning and memory). In addition, yoga practitioners gained flexibility, mobility and balance while they reduced stress levels.58 Bodymind yoga “gives you permission, tools, and reasons to find a new intimacy with your body … based on ­s elf-respect … this intimacy requires you to touch, massage, hold, smooth, soothe, and care for your body in a way most people never do … [you] learn how to love, listen to, and trust yourself … [for] health and healing.”59 One healing practice is grief yoga.60 Yoga is one of my favorite bodymind exercises. Another of my weekly disciplines is tai chi, a Chinese exercise with roots in the ancient tradition of qigong. Qigong and tai chi also focus on deep breaths and have rhythmic, meditative movements. Although tai chi and yoga have similarities, yoga involves holding positions for a few breaths, while tai chi consists of gentle, ­flow-mode movements without pauses between postures. You do not need yoga pants for tai chi! In addition to benefits of strengthening muscles and tendons, tai chi reduces stress, improves flexibility, helps you sleep better and is known to aid in the treatment of heart disease, high blood pressure, arthritis, fibromyalgia, digestive disorders, skin diseases, depression and cancer.61 If you have injuries, you may experience tightness in areas of your body; kinesiophobia (fear of reinjury) tries to protect you. Through gentle tai chi movements, your bodymind learns to trust new movement patterns. If you enjoy music, you may like tai chi, as you learn body rhythms. Music and tai chi have fluidity within structure.62



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Both yoga and tai chi improve your balance. One out of four individuals ages 65+ falls each year. In addition to pain, falls increase admissions to nursing homes and may lead to general health decline. Beyonders make three million ER visits annually for falling injuries. Falls are the number one cause of unintentional injury leading to death among seasoned citizens.63 If tai chi or yoga seem too strange or too challenging (even in chair versions), consider stretching exercises. I have a daily practice of 20+ minutes of classical stretch with PBS television fitness trainer Miranda ­Esmonde-White. She designed her comprehensive exercises for encore individuals as well as for an eclectic group that includes ­back-pain and arthritis sufferers, cancer survivors, professional hockey players and Olympic athletes.64 Walk if you are physically able. Research participants who took weekly ­1 5-minute-outdoor “awe walks” for eight weeks displayed increasing smile intensity during the “selfies” they were asked to take! They reported increased compassion and decreased daily stress.65 Blue Zone centenarians are walkers. Some have furry friends and are walked daily by their dogs. Seventh Day Adventists in Loma Linda, California, enjoy quiet nature walks as part of a Sabbath ritual. Gardening and doing housework are daily Blue Zone actions.66 Keep moving. Take elongated breaths. If possible, climb stairs instead of taking elevators. Perhaps you can no longer perform physical activities well that once gave you energy. Follow advice of Czech American tennis pro Martina Navratilova. In her 60s she no longer competes professionally, but she still enjoys hitting tennis balls. Her quip is a motivator for all: “The ball doesn’t know how old I am.”

Possibility Time When I pass a restaurant table of women all having an “organ recital”—talking about their doctor visits and so on—I get out of there quickly. —Christiane Northrup, physician

Michelle Segar, a psychologist and kinesiologist, finds that women are less physically active than men. Segar’s research finds ­m idlife-and-beyond women more likely to develop exercise programs if they hear certain messages: “being centered … balanced and relaxed … [having] ‘­s elf-determination.’”67 I consider exercise part of rewiring. Create your own exercise centering. Rebrand exercise as feeling “balanced.” Physician Gabor Mate suggests that balance in life is hidden from us when we cannot face our negatives. What about exercise turns you off? Face the truth about your bodymind thinking.68 Wholeness means accepting ALL of you.

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1 .  What is not in balance about your health? What do you ignore? 2 .  What does your bodymind say no to? Why? 3 .  What is the part of your personality that feels “down?” 4 .  On a really great day, what three behaviors help you “balance”? 5 .  Whenever you need an energy boost, this ­well-being activity works: _________.

Blessings of Sleep If you said that sleep (including a nap) is a way to boost your energy, it is true! Without sound sleep, both intellectual and emotional functioning are compromised. A lack of sleep is associated with changes in working memory and negative emotional processing (including irritability, emotional volatility, anxiety and aggression).69 While it is true that some individuals need more sleep than others, research shows encore adults who get six to nine hours of sleep per night have better cognition than those sleeping either fewer or more hours.70 According to neuroscientist Daniel Levitin, sleep disturbance may cause memory loss and increase the risk of neurodegeneration. Unfortunately, more than 40 percent of encore adults over age 65 report sleep problems.71 General sleep tips include the following: stop caffeine by 2:00 p.m. and stop alcohol use at least three hours before sleep. Do not use a snooze alarm. A consistent sleep/­wake-up time is best. There are sleep disorders that need medical attention, so do not hesitate to talk with your physician about these: insomnia (if it takes more than half an hour to fall asleep), snoring, sleep apnea, restless leg syndrome, and narcolepsy (daytime drowsiness and/or suddenly falling asleep). Sleep research addresses how our ­near-constant use of technology impacts sleep habits. The blue wavelength light from ­L ED-based devices (phones, tablets, computers) increases the release of cortisol in the brain, making you more alert and inhibiting the production of melatonin needed to fall asleep. Research shows that ­task-switching anxious individuals may sleep with their phones close by to check them when they awaken at night. It is best to put all devices in another room before sleep. Start dimming the room lights for an hour before sleep to slowly release melatonin.72 The National Sleep Foundation suggests turning off all devices one hour prior to your bedtime. This means that your habit of reading before you “fall” asleep might best happen with books rather than ­e-books. This is a falling you want to happen. One of the best sleep tips is to take a nap. Napping refreshes your



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energy levels. Danish American psychologist Sara Mednick’s nap research began when she was a graduate student. She relied on shots of espresso and splashes of cold water on her face to survive the rigors of study until a nap one day on an old couch in the Psychology Department startled her with an “­a h-ha” moment. She recognized her energized bodymind and changed the subject of her doctoral thesis to study napping. Mednick discovered that learning after napping is equal to learning after a full night of sleep! From airlines to NASA, nap schedules improve the performance of pilots on extended flights. NASA studies found that pilot alertness increased by as much as 100 percent after a brief nap, even in ­well-rested subjects. NASA recommends that airline pilots take one ­4 0-minute nap for every nine hours of flying time. You might even lose weight by napping. Do I have your attention now? Sleepy people crave ­h igh-fat, sugary foods more than people who are rested. Napping produces more growth hormone that can reduce body fat. Napping may also reduce risks of heart attack and stroke. Naps increase relaxation and alertness, improve mood, and deliver quicker reaction times and better memory. The best nap times are 1:00–3:00 p.m. A ­20-minute nap increases stamina, motor performance, and alertness; a ­4 5-minute nap helps restore muscle tissue. Sleeping more than an hour will not deliver a shorter nap’s benefits.73

Meditation Soothes Bodyminds Sleeping difficulties do not disappear when job stress is alleviated. A frequent complaint of seasoned citizens is waking in the night and not going back to sleep. One possibility you might try is mindful meditation for sleep wellness. Mindfulness meditation is a current “in” approach for individuals to respond to stressors, although it has ancient roots. Research suggests that not all mindfulness practice is equally effective in dealing with stressors. Stressed adults of various ages and ethnicities participated in an ­eight-week training course. Some learned to pay attention mindfully to ­present-moment experiences in an accepting, nonjudgmental way, while others participated in mindfulness training without the acceptance component. All participants learned to pay attention to breath, body sensations and eating mindfully. Study results showed that acceptance skills (part of ­self-compassion) were key in effective meditation for stress reduction. Those finding most stress relief learned to allow ­stress-filled thoughts to “run their course and dissipate.” Embracing opposites, participants both accepted stress and noticed other feelings and thoughts occurring at the same time.74 This is rewiring through ­tending-and-befriending yourself.

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Meditation teacher Jon ­Kabat-Zinn brought ­mindfulness-based stress reduction (MBSR) meditation into mainstream medicine and society. ­K abat-Zinn was the founding executive director (in 1979) of the University of Massachusetts Medical School Center for Mindfulness. Over 22,000 individuals, often referred by physicians, have completed the ­eight-week MBSR meditation training to learn how to handle stress, pain, and illness. ­K abat-Zinn expanded the usage of MBSR to populations beyond those stressed by illness; prison inmates/staff and a variety of corporate workplaces also benefit from his ­user-friendly approach.75 Training focuses on paying attention to the present moment, on purpose, and observing whatever comes up without passing judgment. There are many myths about meditation. It is not limited to sitting ­cross-legged on the floor. You can meditate sitting, lying down, standing, or walking. Mindfulness is becoming aware of present moments. It does not require going on a meditation retreat. Time to meditate is in the eye of the beholder. You create your own meditative practice: it may involve centering prayer, music, silence, counting slow breaths, visualization, yoga or qigong, just to name a few variations. ­K abat-Zinn calls for the consciousness of “falling awake” in everyday life through becoming aware of present moments: “understand how this moment shapes what might emerge in the next moment, and the next … we can get caught up in thinking of ourselves as players on an inert stage, as if the world were only ‘out there’ and not also ‘in here’ … our lives actually impinge upon and shape the world.” 76 Time is constantly “now” again and again. Mindfulness meditation is about listening. You may ask, “What is there to listen to in silence?” You listen to your inner storying. When you want to rewire, recognize current thoughts. Do your thoughts focus on ­self-passion or ­loving-kindness? Predating Buddhism, ­loving-kindness is mentioned in the Sanskrit texts of Hinduism, the Upanishads (800–200 bc), along with compassion and equanimity (mental calmness).77 In case you think meditation is ­woo-woo, there is extensive research upon the health benefits of meditating. Psychiatrist James Gordon, a researcher at the National Institute of Mental Health, worked with Washington, D.C., professionals in mindfulness meditation exercises; one congressman admitted being “too stressed out to deal with stress!” Gordon also taught meditation to groups such as a ­b ombed-out Gaza neighborhood and international soldiers who had to recover the bodies of the dead. “In humans, the ­f ight-or-f light and freeze responses, and all the biological changes that stress brings, can last a very long time: for the duration of a war, while growing up in an abusive household, or enduring a demoralizing marriage, or coping with an ominous medical diagnosis and its painful treatment … memories can affect us just as profoundly as the



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original trauma.” 78 Meditation is needed around the world for all kinds of stressors. Sometimes having a mantra or saying is helpful for a 10–­20-minute meditation (or anytime you have conf licting thoughts roaming). One woman says these words: “I know that I am not the only one that has dealt with this. Pretty soon I’ll be looking back on this.” A man recites this Bible verse: “Blessed are the peacemakers.” I find it fascinating that an ancient Hawaiian mantra is backed by contemporary research. The “ho’oponopono” Hawaiian mantra considers that you heal yourself by healing others: “I love you. I’m sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you.”79 Use these words or make your own mantra to install friend/family ­problem-solving. Right after my husband’s sudden death, a woman asked me, “What are you going to do?” I could barely think, but from somewhere in my personality an instant response surfaced: “Make something good happen every day.” I still find this mantra useful. It reminds me to recognize both ­self-passion and compassion for others. Persian poet Rumi is attributed with these wise words: “You went out in search of gold far and wide, but all along you were gold on the inside.” Perhaps you develop a ritual instead of a mantra. One retiree sits quietly with a cup of coffee each morning and gathers her thoughts for the day. This is a form of intentional pausing. Another retiree goes to her health club and spends 45 minutes on the treadmill to ensure that she can catch her breath for future years. Her ritual is a pause to be intentional despite its moving parts. Identify your own times of conscious pausing. Notice your breathing.

Meditation Possibility (Timeless) There is more hunger for love and appreciation in this world than for bread. —Mother Teresa, Catholic nun

Meditation teacher Kate Johnston refers to meditation as “making friends with yourself.” 80 Experiment with conscious ­loving-kindness meditation for 10–20 minutes a day. Do not give up when you find your mind wandering. This is what minds do. Notice passing thoughts with curiosity. Come back to your breath. Your brain rewires with ongoing meditation practice. 1 .  Sit in a comfortable chair. Lying down works well too. Find a posture that gives your bodymind ease. Allow yourself to feel held and supported by whatever you’re sitting, standing, or lying on. Close your eyes or have a soft gaze.

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2 .  Soften your belly. Feel expansion and contraction as each breath fills your belly and chest. Your breath may lengthen. If you feel any tense body part, show curiosity. 3 .  Imagine being compassionate. Focus on your heart area. You may place your hand(s) on your heart. Focus ­i n-breathing into the belly and ­out-breathing from your chest. 4 .  Recite the following phrases. Whether you believe each phrase or not, it is OK to say them, as they offer something to aspire to.81 5 .  May I be safe. 6 .  May I be healthy. 7 .  May I be ­self-compassionate. 8 .  May I be tender. 9 .  May I be kind. 10 .  May I befriend others. 11 .  Next, repeat the phrases adding other people’s names. In this chapter we focused on how to be the banker of both your health and wealth. Some, like Mahatma Gandhi, have suggested that your wealth is your health. Perhaps all of us might agree with this statement post–­ COVID-19. In Chapter 7 we delve further into affirmation stories of seasoned citizens.

Part III

Narrative Possibilities The trick is in what one emphasizes. We either make ourselves miserable or we make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same. —Carlos Castaneda, Peruvian American anthropologist and writer

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Sharing Life-Affirming Stories This packrat has learned that what the next generation will value most is not what we owned but the evidence of who we were and the tales of how we loved. In the end, it’s the family stories that are worth the storage. —Ellen Goodman, journalist A thought is a transformation of a possibility. —Daniel Siegel, psychiatrist (Psychotherapy Networker Conference, 2015)

James Stewart stars in the Christmas movie, It’s a Wonderful Life (from Philip Van Doren Stern’s short story, “The Greatest Gift”). While the movie was not a ­box-office success upon release in 1946, it has an encore following today. Now considered one of the 100 best American films ever made, 1 some watch it repeatedly. Do you feel that your life, like character George Bailey, has not been the Metamorphosis plot and ­box-office hit you hoped for? Do you need a visit from a guardian angel like Clarence Odbody who will guide you through a ­Voyage-and-Return plot to show how the lives of your family and friends would have turned out if you had never been born? Instead of asking the ­near-suicidal George Bailey to keep a gratitude journal, Clarence gives George the possibility to see a different story plot play out without him having touched others’ lives in particular ways. We applaud the happy ending when George begins to appreciate his possibilities and finds life precious. As Irish writer Niall Williams claims, “We are our stories. We tell them to stay alive or keep alive those who only live now in the telling.” What story plots do you enact currently? Are you inf luenced by certain movie plots? Neuroscientist Paul Zak knows that movies change brain activity. He found himself sobbing during an airplane ride while he watched a sad movie, feeling as if he were a character in the movie. The man seated beside him became alarmed, asking Zak, “Sir, is there something I can do to help you?” It turns out that immersing yourself 142



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in narrative, following the rising and falling tension of a dramatic story, stimulates an oxytocin release (see Chapter 3). Zak’s research finds that compassion, even in a movie, evolves when we care about a story character: “We have put ourselves into the narrative.”2 Some seasoned citizens only watch others’ narratives and forget that they, too, have meaningful narratives. Zooming in a family reunion during the pandemic, I loved hearing my cousins reminisce about parents, as well as beloved aunts and uncles, offering stories of both Comedy and Transformation. We make sense of our lives by the stories we tell.3

Will You Rewire (Again)? Psychologist Dan McAdams developed the ­l ife-story theory of adult identity with a special interest in generativity, a developmental stage in Erik Erikson’s eight developmental stages of life. Erikson characterized the midlife years as “generativity versus stagnation.” His generativity concept was based upon adults establishing and guiding the next generation. Midlife individuals (ages 35–64) create and/or nurture others in ways that will outlast them. However, birthing children or guiding young students/employees is no guarantee of reaching generativity. Erikson viewed stagnation as describing people too preoccupied with ­self-concern due to physical or psychological invalidism.4 McAdams took Erikson’s ideas further: “A person’s life story can … be a generative legacy, for the story … [is] offered to others (one’s children or others) as a lesson or gift … because all good stories anticipate an ending, the narration of generativity in one’s life may … [offer] an ending that … may engender new beginnings.”5 New beginnings represent possibilities and vitality. I like to think of new beginnings as evolving or spiraling. Spirals are highlighted in the captivating art of Georgia O’Keeffe’s flowers and seashells, suggesting an inner core vitality. Distant galaxies appear as spiral nebulae. On top of Mauna Kea on the big island of Hawaii, my family and I saw a sky densely sprinkled with stars. Through a telescope, we were seeing distant galaxies. They looked dim but I was awestruck with the possibilities. You will interpret your spiraling years of transitions with your own symbolism. McAdams suggested options: “Life transitions may be experienced as changes for better or for worse—depending on how they are viewed and storied. Sometimes what is experienced initially as tragedy or loss is later emplotted as epiphany or insight leading to growth.”6 Will you use a ­g rowth-and-grit mindset to make sense of any Tragedy you encounter? Erikson’s characterization for beyonder ages (65+) is stark: “ego

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integrity versus despair.” The definition for ego integrity is what I call rewiring, where encore adults learn to adapt to both their triumphs and disappointments: “[finding] an emotional integration which permits participation by followership as well as acceptance of the responsibility of leadership.” 7 Despair is expressed as regarding time as too brief to explore alternative paths or anything new. You cannot meet your basic needs well—energy, discipline, creativity, belonging, ability—with despair as your main scriptwriter. In McAdams’s research there are two overarching themes to an individual’s life story: a redemption story, which often starts from trauma or pain before finding a positive outcome (like George Bailey in It’s a Wonderful Life), and a contamination story that goes in an opposite direction. Perhaps you experienced a time in your life when your positive circumstances soured. A redemption or contamination narrative can be years in the making, as evidenced by such a variety of legacy stories coming from people’s lives after the Great Depression. COVID had a staggering global influence, again beset with both redemption and contamination possibilities. McAdams views each person as actor, agent, and author in creating their life story. You begin your life narrative as a social actor, born with temperament traits—such as extraversion versus introversion. Temperament impacts your personality parts. Reaching middle childhood, you have a more individualized (agent) personality as you begin developing values and goals. McAdams’s author time follows and is different for each emerging adult. Life scenes are set within a certain history and society. Ralph Waldo Emerson reminds us that history is in the eye of the beholder: “There is properly no history; only biography.” Each person has unique personality expressions and cocreates life narratives with significant others both at home and in each workplace over time. McAdams summarizes one’s personality: “[there are] different kinds of social actors on the theatrical stage of human life. It depends not only on variation in the group but also the group members … variation [is] important, worth gossiping about … in order to get along and get ahead in this complex social milieu … we need to know … who is honest? Who can be trusted?”8 Have you ever thought about someone, “What a character”? The important thought to ponder is this: you play many characters! How many parts play out roles in your personality ­story-house?

Personality ­Story-House I call this actor/agent/author storage of life memories (and how you interpret them) your personality ­story-house. As I wrote in my first book,



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It Takes a Child to Raise a Parent, you begin building the foundation for your personality ­s tory-house even before you have language development, as bodymind memories from early childhood stash stories in unsuspecting youth. For example, a young father recalled a nightmare from his childhood. He dreamed that his birth was a catastrophic experience; he was positioned “upside down, like in a well,” with sensations of “doing a headstand to right himself.” This individual carried squeamish memories of his mother telling him that he had a “terrible birth.” Whenever we link snippets of family legacy stories or otherwise piece together vague images and sensations from our memories, we tell narratives—even in dream stories.9 Psychiatrist and trauma specialist Bessel van der Kolk emphasizes changeability: “as soon as a story starts being told, particularly if it is told repeatedly, it changes—the act of telling itself changes the tale … the meaning we make of our lives changes how and what we remember.”10 We often find new meaning in our retelling of stressful times. Psychologist Monisha Pasupathi summarizes: “We become the stories that we tell; our stories aren’t single authored.” These cocreated story plots influence our lives whether we are conscious of them or not. From the earliest of times people shared legacy stories. Before printing existed, fables and myths were handed down through generations. I am fascinated by the lovely ­story-buildings in Europe. In the Middle Ages special legends were painted onto exterior walls of buildings where each floor told a different tale. Such floors were called “stories.”11 Just like those traditional walls hold certain story plots, your personality holds many plots in your ­story-house of life experiences. I envision that we store subconscious memories down the basement stairs of our personality ­story-house. Interestingly, Jung had a big building metaphor, although I did not discover it until after I had envisioned a ­story-house metaphor: “People live on only one or two floors of a large apartment building which is our minds, forgetting the rest.”12 Often subconsciously, our bodies do not forget. Writing teacher Susan Wittig Albert emphasized how our bodies hold onto our life story: “Our lives are written in our bodies … a story written in many chapters … of our deepest, most meaningful experiences, often the most painful ones.”13 We stash stories into our bodymind’s personality ­story-house on a daily basis. New stories plaster our inner ­story-house walls to remodel certain aspects of our personalities, while past stories seem stuck inside invisible walls. However, your personality ­story-house is not set in “hard plaster”; in fact, research supports a “soft plaster” evolving personality: “[changing] gradually but systematically throughout the life span, sometimes more after age 30 than before.”14 The possibilities for you to change aspects of your personality relate to whether or not you embrace a ­g rowth-and-grit mindset.

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One thing to grasp in considering your ­story-house is to recognize how many recurrent plots you uncover that are similar to others’ storying. While it is important to know who you are as an independent person, at the same time you come to realize the common humanity in all our stories. Jung made this connection a cornerstone of his contributions to psychology. He was intrigued by recurring myths that cross cultural boundaries, as in heroic Rebirth: “symbolic rebirth coincides with sunrise, for the growth of personality is synonymous with an increase of ­self-consciousness. For the same reason, most heroes are characterized by solar attributes, and the moment of birth of their greater personality is known as illumination.”15 Archetypal legacy plots, or ­old-as-the-hills symbols and characters, overlap in our personalities. This reminds me of the Russian nesting dolls where you may think you have unearthed the final one, only to discover there is yet another. We can carry a variety of archetypal characters inside our personality ­story-house: Father, Mother, Child, Hero, Wise One, Magician, and Trickster are common ones. Whether we experience certain life plots or not, we connect with changing family and friend ­s tory-houses. Recall Christopher Booker’s seven plots—Overcoming the Monster, Rags to Riches, the Quest, Voyage and Return, Comedy, Tragedy, and Finding a Personal Sense of Rebirth— as well as the extended version of Ronald Tobias’s 20 plots—Quest, Adventure, Pursuit, Rescue, Escape, Revenge, the Riddle, Rivalry, Underdog, Temptation, Metamorphosis, Transformation, Maturation, Love, Forbidden Love, Sacrifice, Discovery, Wretched Excess, Ascension, and Descension. In Tobias’s view, change is the point of a story! Story plots are often surprising riddles: “a riddle … is any mystifying, misleading, or puzzling question that is posed as a problem to be solved or guessed.”16 Our personality ­story-house plots, at times mystifying and often misleading, are most puzzling in transitions. What we overlook when we are busy with opposite parts of our personalities overlapping in our ­story-house is that we can calm the clamor by taking a few deep breaths and coming into an inner space of a core self. In Booker’s search for story plots, he captured our inner/outer nature: “the more fully we realize our own individual identity, the more we come into contact with that ­ego-transcending level of the psyche which links us to the wider world. The Self is both the core of our individual identity and that which connects us with everyone and everything outside us.”17 Due to our ­co-regulation of one another, we are seldom alone in our storytelling. Most of us tell stories of our experiences with other people embedded in them. We may cast the “other” as the villain while we are saintly in our own eyes. Of course, if the “villain” were to enter our story stage, there surely would be two sides to the telling! Can you rewrite (rewire) any of



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the stories you tell yourself that are only ­one-sided? What legacy stories will you hand off?

Writing to Heal Psychotherapy is one possibility for taking a respectful look into your personality, but this is not an available option for many seasoned citizens. Writing is another possibility for rewiring when you are faced with a problematic plot in life. Writing (or recording) your stories is available to most of us. Australian social worker and family therapist Michael White found that writing was extremely powerful in adults’ ability to ­re-author (rewire) the stories that they told themselves and others about their lives. White realized that most clients had a similar belief: “[problems] are internal to their self or the selves of others … they or others are, in fact, the problem. And this belief only sinks them further into the problems they are attempting to resolve.” People blend with their problems until they can externalize their thoughts and emotions. Writing is a solitary method of excavating what has happened that is upsetting: “[writing] makes it possible for people to experience an identity that is separate from the problem; the problem becomes the problem, not the person.”18 Many issues a person brings into therapy are cultural in nature. Individuals link sequences that unfold over time around a theme or plot with unmet basic needs. When you rewire you continue to tell stories about your life, but you do so with curiosity and consider alternative storylines. Most of us keep a few hidden stories. Social psychologist James Pennebaker began his research career studying the nature of physical symptoms in relationship to an individual’s personality and situational issues. He issued an ­80-question survey to college women. Surprising to him, a critical question on the survey was suggested by one of his students: “Prior to the age of 17, did you experience a traumatic sexual experience?” Nearly 15 percent of 800 participants answered yes. These respondents reported much higher rates of all health symptoms (and more trips to a doctor) than those who answered no. In further studies Pennebaker determined that the critical issue was not the sexual trauma per se but that experiencing any kind of trauma, and keeping it a secret, was linked to a variety of health problems. Secret stories led Pennebaker to test a theory: if keeping a trauma secret was unhealthy, revealing the trauma experience might improve health. Students assigned to write about traumas for four days (15 minutes a day) had half as many trips to the student health center in the next six months as students in a control group who wrote about superficial

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topics.19 In his study of 24,000 adults completing a health survey (including the question of childhood traumatic sexual experience), 22 percent of the women and 10 percent of the men reported that a sexual trauma had happened to them. Each recalled sexual traumas that had occurred almost 20 years prior. These individuals were hospitalized nearly twice as often as those who were not burdened with sexual trauma. The majority had never told anyone about their secret. Expressive writing about the emotional upheavals in one’s life can improve both physical and psychological health. Consider research results on expressive writing with 50 senior engineers (average age of 52) who were laid off from a large computer company with no warning. Most had worked with the company for 30 years, but they were escorted out of their offices by a security guard. Months later, when the engineers had not found new employment, they were feeling bitter. Of those who were asked to write their deepest thoughts and emotions about being laid off (30 minutes a day for five consecutive days), 27 percent of them landed new jobs within three months! Less than 5 percent of those in ­no-writing or ­t ime-management control groups found a job. An interesting detail is that all participants had gone on the same number of job interviews. Writing made a difference in addressing underlying hostility toward their former employer. Pennebaker and colleagues found that mindful writing had many positive health effects: fewer ­stress-related visits to a physician, improved immune system functioning, reduced blood pressure, improved lung and liver functioning, fewer days spent in a hospital, improved mood, and a feeling of greater psychological ­well-being were results of the engineers’ heartfelt writing.20 While writing may not excite everyone in retire/rewire years, contemplate how powerfully it can help to heal what ails. Pennebaker found that when you put your negative thoughts and emotions into words, there is a protective benefit. For example, he and colleagues found health benefits for asthma and arthritis patients who wrote about upsetting times: “[there were] objective improvements in lung function [for asthma sufferers] while arthritis patients had improvements in joint health. The size of the improvements was as impressive as if they had tried a successful new medication!”21 Writing is a ­cost-effective way to rewire your bodymind. Some seasoned citizens on my Retirement Survey reported that they now had time for writing in their life: 64, female (recently retired): “[I am] writing some children’s books, especially for young girls who … suffer societal pressure to conform to the latest norm.” 70, female (retired 16 years): “[I am] compiling another book (my fourth book) of my husband’s family history of pioneers.”



7. Sharing Life-Affirming Stories149 71, male (retired 6 years; volunteers 3 hours/week): “I have time to read and research on any subject I want, but in particular to work on a trilogy of novels to be published next year about a true story of the Civil War.” 71, female (not retired): “[I will] get several more books written and published to preserve the rich history I’ve been uncovering the past 17 years.” 72, male (retired 6 years): “I don’t know where the time goes! I am contemplating writing a memoir.” 74, female (retired 17 years): “I think of the song in Hamilton—Who will write your story? How will you be remembered? I’ve been working on my memoir—a bunch of answers to prompt questions and my own thoughts to leave to my family. It’s 730 pages and in progress!”

In my ­follow-up with participants to inquire how they spent their time during the pandemic, writing was one chosen activity: 70, male: “I began writing poetry and reading at a local open mic. The pandemic both limited and expanded reading opportunities so I am now reading [poetry] monthly with a group [online in another state] … I hope to publish at least one book of poetry.” 77, female: “I spent a great deal of time writing and learning about indie publishing and marketing. My debut novel … was released.” While some plan on leaving a writing legacy for family members, I wonder if the most important aspect of journaling or writing is that you want to understand yourself better. If you have not found McAdams’s Redemption plot playing out in your life yet, is there a possibility that you can make it happen? New possibilities may arise after just one ­10-minute session of writing. Writer Natalie Goldberg suggests writing longhand for ­10-minute segments with your pen never leaving the page in addressing just one simple prompt (such as “What’s missing?” or “I remember _______”). Goldberg’s wise counsel for ­self-understanding recognizes that one cannot divorce oneself from parts of oneself. Through writing definitive statements, you embrace your different personality parts: “You will find endless resources inside yourself. Writing is the act of burning through the fog in your mind … even if you are not sure of something, express it as though you know yourself. With this practice you eventually will … out of this tornado of fear will come a genuine writing voice.”22 Her technique works! Give yourself permission to keep pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard) for an intended amount of time. Write one “true sentence,” to use Ernest Hemingway’s example. You may

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surprise yourself with your unwinding trail. You may find answers to certain questions in your life.

Rewire ­Warm-Up Try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms … live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer. —Rainer Maria Rilke, ­Bohemian-Austrian poet, Letters to a Young Poet

Pennebaker’s 15–­2 0-minute writing exercise23 is an easy way to start a healing writing experiment. In his research Pennebaker tells participants that some people report after writing that they sometimes feel sad or depressed. He compares this to seeing a sad movie and advises that these emotions typically go away in a couple of hours. However, if you find that you are extremely upset about a writing topic, take a break. This writing is for health. Whether you save it is up to you. Some people keep writings and edit them later. They gradually change their writing over time. Others keep entries to read later to see how they have changed. Still others burn or shred their writings. 1 .  Choose a time and quiet place without disturbance. A good time is before you go to bed. Make an intention to write for a minimum of 15 minutes a day for at least three or four consecutive days. 2 .  Once you begin, write continuously as both Goldberg and Pennebaker recommend. Spelling and grammar are not your main interest. If you run dry, pick one aspect of your story and dig deeper. Type or write longhand. If you cannot write, you might record your thoughts. It is a choice to write about the same thing on all three or four days or write about something different each day. 3 .  Write about your deepest emotions and thoughts on the most upsetting experience in your life. All of us weather conflicts or stress storms in our lives. You may write about something that you think affected your life in an unhealthy way. Link this experience to childhood, your relationship with parents or caretakers, people you loved or love now, or your work years. How is this experience related to who you have been in the past, who you are now and/or who you would like to become?



7. Sharing Life-Affirming Stories151 What do you notice after completing this writing experiment? Did you tell about values and how they helped or hindered you? Did you recognize personality parts that were present at the time of emotional upheaval? Perhaps you met an insecure or anxious part. Hopefully, you now greet this part of your personality with compassion, like a tender friend who tried to protect you from danger. Recognize that any role or part of your personality is not ALL of you. You have a calm core self, a compassionate witness to all raw emotions.

Your Storying Matters Each of our stories carries importance. A physician attending my retirement workshop at a conference shared this worried bystander observation: his colleagues retire and four months later get sick. A hospice worker finds time caring for her own mother frustrating; her mother has dementia and keeps repeating, “I can’t hear you.” Yet another person exudes enthusiasm ­post-retirement, declaring, “I am aggressively retired!” Do you have anything in common with these encore adults’ different personality parts? Consider more retirement viewpoints: 64, male (does not plan to retire): “[Retirement would mean] not getting sued.” 66, female (retired at 55, 61, 64 and finally at 65; volunteers 30 hours/ week): “With each retirement personal time increased. I probably would have stayed retired after my second retirement if it weren’t for the loss of my husband. I filled the void with work until I got my act together and created my new reality without my husband.” 69, female (retired 2 years; volunteers 2 hours/week): “I have seen my husband through surgery and a couple months later through chemotherapy for a half year; then I got my own hip replaced. I feel lucky to live this long [as my] mother died at age 55; my father died at 62.” 72, male (retired 5 years): “I had looked forward to more time to engage, but instead received a huge surprise—I hadn’t anticipated a divorce.” 72, female (works 21 hours a week; volunteers 3 hours/week): “[Retirement] … is not just sitting around.” 73, male (retired 5 years; volunteers 2 hours/week): “Retirement is even much better than I expected … the only issue is maintaining one’s health.”

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Part III—Narrative Possibilities 75, male (retired 20 years): “[Retirement is] … relaxation, peace, and quiet, but busier than I ever could have imagined.” 75, female (retired 3 years; volunteers 6 hours/week): “[Retirement is] … traveling, reading, gardening, sharing time with family and friends, exercising more.” 78, female (retired 25 years; volunteers 2 hours/week): “My time is freed up … [I have] more time with my children and grandchildren.” 93, female (retired 29 years): “No more days to go away to work…. It’s a special time to use as planned.” (She uses her expert sewing skills to mend clothing for others in her assisted living residence.)

How many of us planned our adult jobs? What training may have occurred in childhood for later use? Epidemiologist David Snowdon grew up with a lively childhood business—raising chickens and selling their eggs. His egg business made more money than friends’ newspaper routes and he relished his nickname of “Eggman” (from a Beatles tune). Snowdon worked passionately on keeping each of nearly a hundred Rhode Island Reds alive and productive. He later believed that this early training prepared him for his career. Growing up Catholic, it seemed natural for this medical detective to study aging among 678 Sisters of Notre Dame in their beyonder years. Ranging in age from 75 to 106, these smart and altruistic women gave Snowdon complete access to their medical and personal records, including their agreement to donate their brains to science when they died. Their first leader arrived in the U.S. from Bavaria in 1847; following Mother Theresa’s example, they spent five decades establishing about 200 schools. Snowdon studied their daily lives and was amazed to find out their accomplishments—one octogenarian sister was translating German into English, another was writing a letter to her congressperson, and a third was typing her memoirs.24 In Snowdon’s longitudinal study, a group of these nuns still possessed healthy minds in spite of having altered brain structures that often predict Alzheimer’s disease in late life. Followed for decades, autopsies uncovered that many of the nuns showed no evidence of dementia during their life. In fact, they had scored well on memory tests! After neuroanatomist Alois Alzheimer first described the disease 100 years ago, Alzheimer’s disease still baffles clinicians and pathologists as it affects people differently; this is also true of cancer, diabetes, influenza and pneumonia.25 This great variance of disease impact characterized COVID as well, ranging from asymptomatic individuals to those who died. One curious finding from Snowdon’s research was that nuns who



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were verbally adept had more resistance to Alzheimer’s disease. Echoing the research cited earlier about positive thinking, nuns’ early writings were predictive. Each nun wrote her autobiography at about age 22, just prior to taking her vows. Their early writing was a startling predictor of which of them would be alive six decades later: “[those] that had used the fewest ­positive-emotion sentences, the average age of death was 86.6 years … for sisters who … flooded their autobiographies with positive emotions, the average was 93.5 years.” One nun died at the age of 103, yet when her autopsied brain was studied it looked like it came from a ­65-year-old! Another (who died at age 102) would not admit to being retired, proclaiming, “I only retire at night.”26 Perhaps you kept a journal or wrote an early autobiography in your ­young-adult years. Have no worries if you did not make time for personal writing then. Simply imagine what kind of story plots you would have written about your life in your 20s. I graduated from college at age 22, married my college sweetheart one week after graduation, and embarked on a ­f ive-year Quest plot of completing a doctorate in counseling psychology. I wrote papers for graduate school instead of a journal. My autobiography plots in those years could add Booker’s ­O vercoming-the-Monster plot in completing a dissertation. When we are in the thick of things, we put one subconscious foot in front of the next. Many may identify with cancer survivor Mark Nepo who tells the story of his life as largely subconscious until illness became a Rescue plot: “For years I lived this way: turning the side of me to others that they could understand … offering only what others wanted or needed or felt most comfortable with…. I became very good at this … what I didn’t realize was that more and more of who I truly am was being hidden, and that showing only the part of me that others found acceptable was not being true to myself. Over time…. I have learned … that each of us is an entire symphony, and though there are times when all of us will not be heard, ­d is-ease begins the moment all of us is not played.”27 What parts of your personality might you bypass?

Possibility Time An elder’s wisdom is often raw, unscripted, unbranded, poignant, and deeply personal … if you ask an elder to share their story … spend some time … they will teach you something that you cannot learn from even the most successful ­self-help gurus. —David Romanelli, wellness innovator, Life Lessons from the Oldest & Wisest

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Two narrative writing possibilities are offered. Choose one (or do both if you wish). You can choose to write in ­fi rst-person or ­t hird-person. Bruce Lipton suggests that in a time of stress, using ­t hird-person focus creates psychological distance that allows one to see their emotions with reduced activation. He caught himself in a tirade of ­self-criticism until his ­t hird-person point of view could intervene!28 Everyone rewires in their own way.

I. 1 .  Name several key experiences in your life that seem relevant to present time. 2 .  Choose one part of your personality that was an actor in one incident. You might focus on a busy organizer part or a critic. Write from the point of view of this part of your personality. Include these story elements: •  First sentence as a good “hook” to hold attention; •  “Birth” story of your identified part (how old you were when this part emerged); •  Complication or struggle; •  A turning point and/or conscious realization about this part; and •  A learning or moral to your story. If this proves interesting to you, choose another personality part and write on.

II.

If journaling your ­p ersonality-part narratives seems like a stretch, and even writing 15 minutes for four days in a row seems like a chore, perhaps write a letter to yourself. Think about how George in It’s a Wonderful Life learned about how valuable his life was when he took the point of view that some important relationships never would have existed without his presence. The practice of “mentally subtracting positive events” has research backing up how completing a ­1 5-minute writing exercise can lead to increases in happiness and gratitude. 29 Thinking about the ways in which one life event might not have taken place has an element of surprise attached. Surprise often brings with it other unexpected emotions. Researchers Minkyung Koo and colleagues suggested rating (on a ­7-point scale where 1 = not at all, and 7 = extremely) a set of 13 affective possibilities in one’s personality repertoire to consider in their writing: distressed, happy, thankful, upset, grateful, joyful, sad, hopeful, appreciative, lonely, depressed, secure, optimistic. You may enjoy



7. Sharing Life-Affirming Stories155 rating yourself. Or you may choose not to be your own research subject with numbers on any scale! Do choose to write a letter to yourself from any of these possibilities: 1 .  Think of a positive event in your life, such as an educational or career accomplishment, a child’s birth, or a memorable trip. What circumstances led up to it? Write about all the ways in which this positive event in your life might never have happened. Imagine what your life might be like now if you had not experienced this event. Does anything surprise you? 2 .  Write as if an imaginary friend’s perspective of you pours onto your longhand journal or computer screen. This imaginary friend exhibits core ­self-territory and unconditionally cares about you. This imaginary person sees something unique about you that you seldom notice. 3 .  Write from the point of view of having a conversation with a beloved friend who struggles with similar concerns that you have. 4 .  Write from ­self-territory to the part of you that struggles with some issue currently. Sometimes rekindling the impact of certain past life events has the potential to reset (rewire) your current thinking and feeling. Did your writing uncover any plots and personality parts that surprised you? If you found writing useful, you might make time to do the practice once a week, focusing on a different event or different friend (imaginary or not) each week. Perhaps you set a time and weekday when you can make the next entry.

Biographical Journeying English detective novel writer Agatha Christie reminisced in An Autobiography: “I have been on a journey. Not so much a journey back through the past as a journey forward—a starting again at the beginning of it all—going back to Me who was to embark on that journey forward through time.” The paradox is that in looking into your past, you are journeying forward, hopefully with a few powerful lessons tucked into consciousness. Just beware. Memories are not 100 percent historical truth, as we often bypass certain details to slant our stories sideways. If you decide to write your autobiography, it may be different from how a childhood friend would write your biography.

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Neurologist Oliver Sacks wisely noticed: “We have no direct access to historical truth, and what we feel or assert to be true … depends as much on our imagination as our senses … our only truth is narrative truth, the stories we tell each other and ourselves—the stories we continually recategorize and refine.”30 Nevertheless, your storying has great importance, both for you and for others. A wonderful guidebook if you decide to write your memoir is the book How to Write the Story of Your Life by Frank Thomas, a journalist who provided supportive classes for hundreds of people (some of whom had no prior writing experience). Thomas observed that he had many writing colleagues who used writing as their form of psychotherapy.31 You can write as a therapeutic aid or simply write legacy stories for grandchildren and other relatives to open when they reach significant ages. Psychologist Timothy Wilson found that individuals reinterpret traumatic life events through the writing process. Wilson does not endorse the practice of first responders administering a ­t hree-hour Critical Incident Stress Debriefing to trauma victims, as research suggests that doing such immediate assessments can “freeze” memories of a tragedy. Instead, the alternate method of writing about the event later is recommended. Writing exercises are most helpful when you gain some distance from events to better assess what meaning such an event has in your overall life story.32 As former CEO Michael Hyatt suggests, “What happens to us is not as important as the meaning we assign to it. Journaling helps sort this out.” You see a larger snapshot of your life when you take time to write. Perhaps you pay tribute to other people along the way. In writing, journalist Jim Rendon paid tribute to his father, a Holocaust survivor of the ­M ittelbau-Dora concentration camp. Michael Rendon told his son harrowing stories about his forced labor in ­t wo-mile-long underground tunnels that he dug with other camp prisoners. The tunnels evaded Allied bombing as they housed a production line of rockets built for bombing London. When the prisoners left out sections and loosened screws on the rockets, Nazi guards found out and became increasingly brutal in their beatings, even hanging some individuals in the underground factory. Rendon’s father ran away and was shot while escaping. He survived in the woods for two weeks before finding the uniform of a dead SS officer that enabled him to walk into a SS field hospital for medical attention. He narrowly escaped being killed by American troops later because of his stolen clothing. While sheer grit kept his father alive, Rendon’s extended family was not so fortunate. Of a family of over 100 people, only a few cousins survived; his ­g reat-grandparents, grandfather, and uncle, along with his father’s stepmother, uncles, aunts, and some cousins, all perished.



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While monstrous times carry with them obsessive memories, Rendon’s father developed compassion for injured birds and stray dogs and cats. The best predictor of ­p ost-traumatic growth after war is the amount of social support a person receives. Michael Rendon did not keep his harrowing war memories a secret; he shared his Escape stories with his son often.33 The legacy of our ancestor stories is a cornerstone in our personality ­story-house. Writer Virginia Woolf understood history: “For the present when backed by the past is a thousand times deeper.” Hungarian American psychologist Edith Eva Eger did not publish her memoir, The Choice: Embrace the Possible, until age 90. Her past was filled with ghosts and ­post-traumatic stress wounds. Eger struggled as a youngster, growing up in a family where she saw herself as the “silent sister, the invisible one.” She later realized that her childhood identity was less about her than about parental legacies of what each was missing in life. Like Michael Rendon, Eger endured a treacherous Escape plot from misguided Nazi guards. A talented gymnast and ballerina, she narrowly escaped rape as a teenager when she was forced to dance “The Blue Danube” in Auschwitz for Nazi physician Josef Mengele. Forced labor and starvation were ­e ver-present foes. Eger was able to claw her way to stay alive by repeating her mother’s last words (before being cast into the extermination line upon arrival at Auschwitz): “Just remember, no one can take away from you what you’ve put in your own mind.”34 This legacy blessing from her mother sustained Eger through terror and tragedy. While Eger was later able to forgive the Nazis, she found it more difficult to forgive herself. For decades she relived the selection line at Auschwitz: “Is anyone sick? Under 14? Over 40? Go left.” Eger was 16 but of slight build. Her mother saved her by admonishing her to button up her coat and stand tall, but Eger could not save her mother. Dr. Mengele pointedly asked Eger to declare if she was with her mother or her sister—Eger believed that her truthful response resulted in her mother’s death assignment. The words, “Why didn’t I say sister?” became a burden etched in Eger’s memory: “How easily the life we didn’t live becomes the only life we prize.”35 It took decades for Eger to make ­l ife-affirming choices—to accept herself, to become a psychologist and function as well as she could by serving others, and to forgive herself. She was asked to speak to an army unit returning home after combat duty in Afghanistan; it was a unit with a high suicide rate. Eger realized that her talk must convey to the distressed soldiers that their biggest prison was in their own minds. She knew each one possessed possibility: the willingness to release themselves from judgments and find ­s elf-compassion for themselves as imperfect, yet whole human beings. Eger spoke to the very unit from Fort Carson that had rescued her 65 years previously. Overcome

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with emotion, Eger ended her speech with both laughter and tears as she danced her highest ballet kick.

Possibility Time Preserving the truth even as you reinvent the details one by one … allow the story to replace your actual memories … past, present and future collide and break apart. —Julie Chen, artist, True to Life

III. Yes, this is another writing possibility. Perhaps you jot down some values and experiences without a whole story. This is ­w riting-lite. Instead of a grocery list, jot down a value list: •  I most value…. I also value…. •  To stand up for my values and beliefs in my life, I…. •  One of the most important lessons I learned in my life is…. •  One person who had a big impact on who I am as a person is … because s/he valued…. •  A favorite saying that is a guiding principle for me is….36 When you look back on your life, what stands out most? Psychologist Laura Fielding cautions, “The thoughts we have can actually activate our brain as if the things we are thinking about are real, not just imagined. Unfortunately, our creative storytelling mind can … work against us … [as] it can shift from the conscious place to the assumption place. Once thoughts and ideas retire in assumption land, it’s really hard to see evidence to the contrary, evidence that might disconfirm the story we’re holding on to….”37 Beware. Are you “doctoring” your stories about your life or are they (mostly) factual?

Trial attorney Kilroy Oldster wrote a series of personal essays, Dead Toad Scrolls, during midlife transitioning as he searched for ways to rewire his personality. Unhappy with the practice of law—finding too much conflict and greed in Wretched Excess plots—Oldster embarked on a review of



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his formative life experiences through writing essays. He began examining childhood memories to figure out what went wrong with the American Dream of financial success. Oldster encourages others to write their stories: “telling other people our life story changes us in a startling and profound way. The act of telling demands selection, prioritization, evaluation, and synthesis, which … expands our empathy for other people … experiencing personal pain … toughens us while also softening us … by listening to other people’s stories and by sharing our personal story, we deftly weave the threads that compose the sacred hoop of the tribe.”38 Writing your life legacy stories can not only enhance your current ­well-being, but also result in rewiring for new possibilities in your life and perhaps the lives of others.

Gratitude Journaling Professor and poet Ross Gay decided to write a brief essay every day for one year, starting and ending on his August 1 birthday. He had other intentions as well: write the essays by hand, draft them quickly, and write about “delight.” Gay planned to develop a “delight muscle”! His everyday plan reminds me of my own delight when I remember my mantra to make something good happen every day. Gay did not write an essay every day, and I have fallen short on my motto sometimes too. However, setting an intention will help you accomplish something you deem useful on most days. Gay muses, “the more you study delight, the more delight there is to study. A month or two into this project delights were calling … write about me! Because it is rude not to acknowledge your delights, I’d tell them that though they might not become essayettes, they were still important, and I was grateful to them.”39 Focusing on delight creates a pause in my days. Gratitude is another pause worth taking daily, whether you write about it or ponder it. Cochiti Nation artist Helen Cordero was grateful for her grandfather, Santiago Quintana, whose storytelling passed down cultural morals and belief systems for his tribe. Storytellers are revered for their contribution to preserving every culture. Cordero began making female and male pottery “storytelling dolls.” Each figurine has an open mouth, as if telling or singing stories, and is seated with several children piled onto their laps. As in all ancestral traditions, oral stories are held sacred because they preserve the experiences of an entire culture. If you feel more comfortable telling than writing your life stories to significant others, consider recording them so they are preserved. Making space for your stories, either by writing or telling them, will prove useful in ­t ending-and-befriending yourself and others. Entrepreneur Steve Jobs

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observed: “The storyteller sets the vision, values, and agenda of an entire generation that is to come.” Most of the time we tell our stories to ourselves, revising them as it suits us. Spiritual writer Thomas Moore accurately points out, “the first telling of a story may be just a sketch. You have to tell it again and again, because it gets richer, deeper, and perhaps darker with each telling … stories of the past … usually say something enlightening about the present … [however] you can catch yourself in resistance to parts … you can notice omissions, hesitancy, or a tendency to gloss over certain details … we tend to interpret our experiences the way our family has always done it, or the way the culture in which we live does it. Or we have our own prejudices and habits of thought that limit what we see and experience … new possibilities come with … confusion.”40 Socrates warned: “Beware the barrenness of a busy life.” When we kept ourselves too busy in our younger years, did we miss out on something important? One ­68-year-old man believes that he may have “missed out” and wants to reinvent his personality; he sought new learning to see beyond past limitations. Retirement legacy building may fill you with gratitude. Gratitude journaling is powerful rewiring for those who try a brief writing exercise. I kept a gratitude journal for three entire, but not consecutive, years in my life—the year after my ­54-year-old husband died of a sudden heart attack, the year after my ­90-year-old father died of Parkinsonian dementia, and the year that my mother was struggling mightily with her physical health at age 96. In each year, I was rewarded by becoming more conscious of gratitude. I chose a simple method. Each night before going to sleep I wrote two or three things I was grateful for in a small journal. The daily journal served a double purpose: because I set an intention to be grateful each evening, during the day I often paused to think of gratitude to mention that evening. If it was a challenging day, the nudge to be grateful regularly became a rewiring that I eagerly sought. After jotting down my entries, I fell asleep in a relaxed state. Here are sample entries from my Gratitude Journals: I am grateful for the arts today—cha cha dancing at Pritzker Pavilion this morning, a lecture and new exhibit on 1500s French kings at the Art Institute, and the Newberry Consort playing Lincoln’s 1850s music this evening. I am grateful to be able to spend my son’s birthday with him! We saw a galactic sky show at Adler Planetarium, had lunch at a favorite family restaurant, went to the 103rd floor sky deck of the Willis Tower [previously Sears Tower] and saw a movie. FUN! I am grateful for brothers! I picked up Mom and took her to my



7. Sharing Life-Affirming Stories161 brother’s house for dinner. He has a wonderful garden. We picked the first tomatoes and zucchini, the end of the bean crop, and lots of fresh lettuce. I made Mom’s recipe of Zucchini Appetizers and my favorite Chocolate Zucchini Cake.

What is so interesting in rereading these snippets of life from earlier years is how delicious in gratitude they still appear to me. Gratitude is something to savor over and over, like a good recipe. In this chapter we focused on the power of writing life stories. In Chapter 8 we turn to the narrative benefits of death stories.

8

Sharing Death-Affirming Stories One of the greatest legacies a person can leave is a moral ecology—a system of belief and behavior that lives on after they die. —David Brooks, Canadian American columnist, The Second Mountain In spite of illness, in spite even of the archenemy, sorrow, one can remain alive long past the usual date of disintegration if one is unafraid of change, insatiable in intellectual curiosity, interested in big things, and happy in small ways. —Edith Wharton, novelist, A Backward Glance: An Autobiography

As sociologist Arthur Frank points out, bodies need voices, especially if becoming seriously ill: “stories have to repair the damage that illness has done to the ill person’s sense of where she [he or they] is in life … stories are a way of finding new destinations.” When Frank became ill with rapidly progressing testicular cancer, he realized that he had told a version of his illness story eight times in one day!1 Death-and-dying mentor Elisabeth ­Kübler-Ross understood the importance of storytelling: “You must get it out. Grief must be witnessed to be healed. Grief shared is grief abated. Tell your tale because it reinforces that your loss mattered. In sharing our story, we dissipate the pain little by little, giving a small drop to those we meet to disperse it along the way.” We are detective scriptwriters trying to unravel the clues of our Maturation plots, especially plots that seem ­maze-like with grief twists and turns. We forget that grieving is transitioning. All transitions offer the possibility for rewiring changes. We search both ­past-backward and ­f uture-forward for meaning. Perhaps one meaning we seek in reading fiction is some clue about death, a ­f uture-forward topic that is both mysterious and gripping. The 162



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detective story has been labeled the “narrative of narratives” by interdisciplinary scholar Peter Brooks. The detective plot takes the reader through trauma. In fiction there often is a constant reworking of the characters’ changing narratives. This is rewiring! “Our lives are ceaselessly intertwined with narrative, with the stories that we tell and hear told, those we dream or imagine … all of which are reworked in that story of our own lives that we narrate to ourselves … sometimes ­s emi-conscious … reassessing the meaning of our past actions, anticipating the outcome of our future projects.”2 Much literature offers the reader a chance to grapple with approaching death.3 The COVID pandemic bombarded us with ­death-contemplation as staggering numbers of daily deaths were part of each evening’s news. I know people who died from COVID and perhaps you do too. Which narratives do you tell yourself about death? Which new narratives will you create before your death? Yes, the ­d-word awaits all. The Stoics used the Latin phrase memento mori (“remember you must die”) as a reminder to invigorate their current lives. Consider the invigorating perspective of centenarian Sadie Delany, who said of herself and her younger sister Bessie, also a centenarian: “Truth is, we both forget we’re old…. I’ll reach for something real quick, just like a young person … my reflexes are not what they once were. It surprises me, but I can’t complain. I still do what I want, pretty much … in the mornings, Monday through Friday, we do our yoga exercises. I started doing yoga exercises with Mama about 40 years ago…. I started exercising with her to straighten her up again…. Every morning … we each take a clove of garlic, chop it up, and swallow it whole. If you swallow it all at once, there is no odor. We also take a teaspoon of cod liver oil…. I don’t worry about dying, and neither does Bessie. We are at peace. You do kind of wonder, when’s it going to happen? That’s why you learn to love each and every day, child.”4 I admire this spirited approach to ­100-year living, with or without the ­garlic-cod-liver-oil tonic.

Death as Teacher We may or may not fear death, depending upon our beliefs of this final transition. Whether we see death as a Tragedy plot, nature taking its course, and/or attach religious or other meanings, death arouses our curiosity. Some avoid contemplating death, but death is our companion throughout life. How many readers have experienced a close call with death? I was a preschooler when my close call happened. I have family stories, but no conscious memories of the accident. My mother was driving the car. It was a warm day. All the car windows were open. In the era before

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child car seats, I was standing in the front seat with my mother’s elbow in front of me to keep me safely in place. Mom drove into a cement culvert along a country road; I flew out a backseat window, landing in an unconscious state. My traumatized mother took me to a physician friend’s home nearby and he took me to a hospital. When I did not regain consciousness immediately, a surgical plan was discussed to peek inside my brain. The church family prayed for me. Fortunately, I “woke up” that Sunday evening by saying to my mother, “Read me about The Three Bears.” One meaning I carry from my ­Voyage-and-Return plot (from unconscious to conscious) is how very precious life is—I am grateful for aliveness every day. Is it any wonder that I am an avid reader and have a love affair with books? Judy Lief, pastoral counselor, calls death a great teacher despite rampant denial. We keep our ­death-thoughts under wraps: “[it is a] conspiracy of silence … [where] we feel that there must be something wrong with us, because the people around us all seem fine.”5 The majority of widowers tend to hide any grieving for their partner—thinking through what has happened is more typical than allowing emotional tidal waves of grief.6 While reactions to death are highly individualistic, there is a strong possibility that when someone close to you dies, or you have a serious illness, you think about your life with more poignancy for present moments. While my Retirement Survey did not ask about thoughts on dying, some female participants addressed death: 74, female (retired 17 years): “I vividly recall Oprah saying that when you retire, you can pursue your passion. I always wondered what … my passion might be … [whether I’d] be able to indulge in doing it! Physical limitations prevent me from doing many things. I never found my passion to pursue. I don’t fear death but do fear loss of ability to be independent and burdening my only child.” 82, female (retired 12 years; volunteers 1 hour/week): “[written in memoir form] … cast into a life without your dad and my ‘Mr. Wonderful,’ there have been more fabulous highs amidst the unimaginable lows. Returning to nursing practice after 28 fallow years was a stretch. Yet, it was a rich endeavor with consistent satisfactions and accomplishments. It seems as ­fast-forward now to these elder years and their particular insights. Seeing the ‘Twinkles in Dad’s eyes’ in your fully adult years, with your own growing up ‘Twinkles’ brings great joy to my life. The questions persist as always, how to keep learning, growing, and enriching my life and my community…. My friends keep me honest and shore me up in the sad times. I am content, and have learned to carry loss with grace, and occasionally even wit.”



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Death became a more prominent cultural topic during the COVID pandemic. Several females in my ­follow-up survey referenced death: 72, female: “I was among many at the beginning of the pandemic who faced a possibility that I could die or lose people close to me, but I have been fortunate.” 75, female: “The pandemic has put a crimp on our social interactions, churchgoing, etc. We’ve had to do everything on Zoom…. I had to miss my cousin’s wedding. Bummer…. Missed the funerals of two more cousins who died of COVID.” 76, female: “My pandemic time has been an emotional roller coaster, feeling very, very sad for the COVID tragedy inflicted on so many families—then feeling grateful and relieved that our family had been spared.” Notice how these encore women deal with interdependence. While much Western psychological theory focuses on individual personality traits and experiences,7 our interdependence is critical. However, much of our culture has moved away from family interdependence when it comes to dying. Sociologist Deborah Carr notes, “Today … death [is] something to be staved off … in the 18th and 19th centuries, death happened at home, where family members, clergy, and community members would provide care to the dying person.” Today it is more likely that beyonders die in hospitals and other institutions. Many are subjected to ­high-tech medical treatments such as ventilators and feeding tubes.8 This is only one side of the dying narrative. There are many wonderful caretakers for beyonders, both in retirement residences and in hospitals, who believe that a person has the right to decide about extraordinary measures to extend life. We must acknowledge courageous physicians, nurses, caretakers and hospice workers who do noble work, especially when they were exhausted with many COVID patients. At the age of 88, radio broadcaster and historian Studs Terkel wrote candidly about death in his final book: “those who have a faith, whether it is called religious or spiritual, have an easier time with loss. They find solace in believing there is a something after—that they will … in some form, again meet or even merge with the departed one. Nonbelievers have no such comfort.”9 Terkel’s book title is the name of an old hymn: “will the circle be unbroken by and by … there’s a better home awaiting.” Terkel grew up alongside death, but he admits that he did not grapple with the ­d-word until late in life. His father and two brothers died in their mid–50s. Terkel was 19 when his father died, but it was not until writing about other people’s ­death-affirming stories that he became conscious of old memories and “all sorts of ambivalences” of his own. His mother kept a rooming house where his invalid father was bedridden for years; in preadolescence

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Terkel shared a bed and a bedside radio with his father. The two guys were ­radio-junkies. Terkel called his mother “a tough little sparrow” who “lived life at its flood tide” until she “hung up her gloves at 87.”10 I translate Terkel’s words to mean that the lady had grit! With a law degree but never practicing law, Terkel joined a theater group before establishing a popular radio show lasting 45 years. While he referred to himself as a sickly child, he lived to age 96.11 His admission that he had difficulty with his grieving process until late in life is not unusual in America. What are we missing when we cannot acknowledge death as a teacher early in life?

Dying Decisions U.S. culture needs rewiring for ­death-affirming narratives. Elisabeth ­Kübler-Ross learned how to affirm death at a young age. She recalled a childhood experience of being at the bedside of her father’s friend as he lay dying from a fall from a tree. The man lived long enough to say goodbye, encouraging his friends to help his wife and children save their beloved farm. Even though ­Kübler-Ross was just a child, she, like the others, was called into the man’s room personally and alone to hear these last words. The following summers she worked hard alongside others to bring in a good harvest for their family friend. As a ­second-grade student, ­Kübler-Ross again witnessed death in a personal manner. A ­10-year-old girl became blind, paralyzed, and lost her hearing; she died of meningitis. Schools closed and over half of the Swiss village came to the funeral. Teachers and students joined the bereaved family in walking behind the hearse to the graveyard: “There was a feeling of solidarity, of common tragedy shared by a whole community.”12 Community ­tending-and-befriending is a gift to the bereaved; ­Kübler-Ross’ medical career, along with her ­death-accepting childhood experiences, sets an exemplary model. Contrast the ­Kübler-Ross witnessing of death with a poignant time that I experienced in the dying days of a friend. “Helen” (not her real name) was released from the hospital and was confined to a hospital bed in her senior residence after experiencing a debilitating stroke. She was a lover of books. I visited Helen and read favorite Mary Oliver poems to her. As I began reading, Helen’s eyes followed mine and it seemed that she was “there,” but her mouth hung open, drooping to one side, and her breathing was labored. Helen’s son was present. He told me that his mother never wanted to live “this way” and he did not know whether she should keep eating. I said that this realization must be so hard for him, and he acknowledged that it was terrible. During this conversation, I looked at Helen and she winked at me! Winking was a common gesture from Helen. I realized that she was alert.



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Since Helen gave me a sign of consciousness, I told her about hearing a lecture on brain development—how brain functions sometimes can take over for other functions that have injury. However, I offered that she had a choice about whether to eat or not. Her son thanked me for telling this story and said that he planned to talk more with Helen about her wishes. I planted a fingertip kiss on Helen’s upper lip and she moved both lips as if to receive this small token of love. A phone call later that week suggested that Helen was transitioning from life. I picked a bouquet of flowers from my garden and visited again. Helen appeared unconscious with pinched facial skin and eyes ­half-closed. I held the bouquet to her nose and asked if she could smell fresh mint. Her eyes fluttered and she gave a wink! Then a nurse intervened. She told me that Helen “had one foot in each world.” She said that while it was nice to have people loving Helen, having visitors made Helen “tired.” The nurse expanded her ­fi xed-mindset narrative; she said that entering the “next world” took “preparation.” Helen’s son then said that his mother was on morphine because she grimaced when they tried to move her in bed. I understood Helen’s look; she was heavily drugged. I gave her another fingertip kiss to her upper lip but this time she made no movement. As tears streamed down my face, I realized that I was not saying “goodbye.” I did not feel welcome, instead chastised by the nurse, but I knew I had done the right thing to visit again. As I fumbled for the elevator button in the hallway, I consoled myself with the thought that a fingertip kiss can say “goodbye.” As I have learned with many personal deaths, “goodbye” happens in many forms. •  “Goodbye” (from 1500s English Godbwye) means “God be with ye.” We have different narratives about death. What may seem ­death-affirming to one will not agree with another’s viewpoint. This is not surprising, as the same thing is true for every other topic. Geriatrician Louise Aronson explains: “When we’ve reached old age, we may be very experienced, but we’ve never died. This process of dying is always new, invariably meaningful.”13 Environmentalist Joanna Macy recalled the abrupt end of her ­56-year marriage when her beloved husband died suddenly. Just weeks before, Macy and her translation collaborator, Anita Barrows, signed a contract to produce a book of daily readings of Austrian Rainer Maria Rilke. Macy might have dropped the project, but she knew Rilke as a ­deep-dive poet who had much to say about death. She immersed herself in both the loss of the love of her life and the blessings of Rilke’s powerful writing: “Rilke’s poetry resides in his fearless confrontation with the fact of suffering. His capacity to embrace … loss brings comfort to the reader…. There is nothing that cannot be redeemed. No degree of hopelessness, such as that of prisoners,

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beggars, abandoned animals … is outside the scope of the poet’s respectful attention.” Rilke believed that the ­d-word only becomes foreign to people because it is so often excluded from polite conversation.14 Life/death is the ultimate both/and pairing. In an On Being interview with Krista Tippett, Macy captures what is best in her ­death-affirming story: “in that devastation and loss [of my husband], I had to work on this book…. I couldn’t say, ‘Oh, I’m too weak. Oh, let me mourn’…I just had to pull up my socks and do it … we’re changing all the time … [death] is part of my world now. You become what you love … you’re always asked to sort of stretch a little bit more … actually we’re made for that.”15 Macy is a ­g rowth-and-grit proponent of openly expressing her emotions, and that kept her from becoming stuck in them. She admits she increased her preoccupation with time.16 Just as time stretches a bit forward and often backward with grief, we can stretch our consciousness to accept grieving parts of our personalities. One of the best descriptions I’ve read about grieving is by psychologist/grief researcher ­M ary-Frances O’Connor: “Grieving people often describe having lost a part of themselves, as if they have a phantom limb … once believed to be an entirely psychological phenomenon, studies have proven that…[phantom] sensations are actually nerve activity … the brain map has not yet rewired itself … so the sensations persist and are often painful … we might think it is simply a metaphor to say that we have lost a part of ourselves when a loved one dies, but … representations of our loved ones are coded in our neurons.”17 Belongingness does not end with death.

Rewire ­Warm-Up I still miss those I loved who are no longer with me, but I find I am grateful for having loved them. The gratitude has finally conquered the loss. —Rita Mae Brown, writer

Our bodymind is shaken to the core when someone we love dies. This is normal but you do not feel normal. Emotional parts of your personality swirl as if a microburst windstorm has landed overhead. I weathered a microburst in my yard. The devastation was unbelievable. Multiple giant tree limbs crashed to the ground and lay twisted, perhaps surprised to lose connection with their roots. Often encased in heavy rain, you cannot see a microburst coming, but it can whip wind at 150 mph. Less known than tornadoes, microbursts are 10 times more common according to the National Weather Service. We do not need a National Death Service to alert us to the prevalence of death, although the pandemic performed that role.



8. Sharing Death-Affirming Stories169 Psychiatrist James Gordon worked with psychological trauma around the world for 20+ years in ­conflict-laden war zones and after natural disasters. The different losses he encountered in every culture were layered with similar emotions: grief, anxiety, anger, fear, and depression. He found several practices particularly healing. Choose one of these methods for one of your losses. 1 .  Imagery or visualization of your choosing: Following the meditation work of a Native elder, Linda EagleSpeaker, guided imagery allows an individual grappling with an unimagined loss a way of creating healing space.18 You can guide yourself. Identify an image of a safe place. Visualize it in your mind. When you think of this safe place, what do you see, smell, and/or hear? Where might you feel bodily safety? You can return to your safe image at any time. 2 .  Breath-practice: After the 2010 earthquake in Haiti, a multicultural team led ­b reath-work training in ­105-degree heat. Healing ­b reath-work calmed both children and encore adults. Participants reported quieting their minds with “soft belly breaths.” The practice brings relaxation to fight/flight/freeze responses. Say to yourself “soft” as you inhale and “belly” as you exhale. Continue this focused breath for five minutes and repeat it two or three times a day. You might try this if you have difficulty falling asleep.19 3 .  Drawing or sketching: ­Non-verbal drawing can uncover personality parts that may be masked or hidden from awareness. I used drawing in my family therapy practice with people of all ages. Drawing Personality Maps in a time of loss and grieving is especially helpful.20 Here is another drawing exercise that may surprise you. Use three sheets of paper (one for each sketch) and colored markers/pencils. Sketch in this order: (a) yourself as you are now; (b) yourself with your biggest concern or challenge; and (c) yourself with your biggest challenge resolved. Writing about your drawings and/or talking with another person may add more perspectives. 4 .  Shaking and dancing: People suppress their emotions and/or feel numb after loss. James Gordon worked with Kosovo Albanian victims who watched family members being massacred and Haitians who lost relatives in

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the rubble of their homes in an earthquake. An ancient ritual of shaking/dancing helps grieving people to release tension and horrific memories. Choose two pieces of music. Have a timer set to play six to eight minutes of a fast tempo selection. Shake your arms, bounce on your heels, and shake your whole body as you are able. Shake up from your feet (you may participate in a seated position). Take two minutes of silent relaxation. Notice your breath and thoughts. Now play upbeat and inspiring music for “dancing.” Bend your knees and relax your shoulders. Allow your body to move in any free and spontaneous way with more shaking/dancing for 10–15 minutes (move as you are able if seated). If you have any sounds you want to make, go ahead. We hold tension in our jaws.21 Rest in silence for a few minutes. What do you notice?

Wounded and Still Whole Stress scientist and psychologist Peter Levine was headed to a friend’s 60th birthday party. Stepping into a crosswalk, a teenage driver knocked him off his feet. Wounded and stunned, Levine’s instinctive ability for fight/flight was impossible. Instead, his bodymind reaction took over— he began spontaneous trembling—in the first step to recovery. Already an astute student of trauma, Levine knew that animals shake themselves “well” after experiencing an attack or threat: “The shaking and trembling … reset my nervous system and helped restore my psyche to wholeness.” A park biologist of the Mzuzu Environmental Center in Malawi, Central Africa, shared with Levine how essential this trembling behavior (accompanied with deep spontaneous breaths) was to captured animals before they are released back into the wild. 22 A similar “shaking” can alleviate rigidity and the freeze response in people ­post-trauma. In trauma psychiatrist Bessel van der Kolk’s words: “Trauma victims cannot recover until they become familiar with and befriend the sensations in their bodies.”23 The discharge of energy through physical shaking helps individuals to rewire neurologically. As Quaker elder and writer Parker Palmer observes: “Wholeness does not mean perfection; it means embracing brokenness as an integral part of life … we can use devastation as a seedbed for new life.” Palliative care physician BJ Miller knows firsthand about ­near-death and needing a new seedbed. When he was a college student at Princeton, he met with unbelievable wounding in a freak accident that necessitated the amputation of one arm below the elbow and both legs below the knees. He might have



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felt sorry for himself and given up on life, but just the opposite occurred. Miller finished college, competed in the summer Paralympics, completed medical school, and volunteered abroad. After working with amputees, he turned to palliative care, merging spirituality and medicine. As executive director of San Francisco’s Zen Hospice Project, Miller views his medical role as “an usher for someone’s final stages of ­self-realization.”24 Miller’s observations about death are both ­d eath-affirming and ­l ife-affirming: •  You do not “get over” the death of a loved one, but you learn to “live on.” •  Grief is different for different people; be aware of comparing grief reactions. •  A grieving individual may not have any energy to respond to questions or offers. A small gesture of compassion may comfort someone, even if the griever cannot respond right away. •  “Grief is … feeling so many emotions we can barely stand to wake up in the morning, the sweetness of having loved—and still loving … this can be a very tender time, raw and unprotected … more truthful. The grieving process is an opportunity, too. Take it.”25 Isak Dinesen (pen name for Danish writer Karen von ­Blixen-Finecke) wrote, “Anything in life can be born, as long as it can be seen as part of a story.” There are many stories that hold uncanny repeat sufferings. British writer and lay theologian C.S. Lewis was no stranger to death. When he was nine years old his mother died from cancer. Lewis was sent to a private boarding school. At 19 he experienced the devastation of war as a frontline soldier in France in World War I. Lewis was wounded by “friendly fire” while two colleagues were killed. He had made a pact with a fellow soldier that if either of them died in battle, the one left would take care of the other’s extended family. Lewis kept his promise, caring for the mother and sister of his fallen friend. He visited his buddy’s mother every day until she died, institutionalized with dementia. When Lewis married at age 58, his American writer wife, Joy Davidman Gresham, had been diagnosed with bone cancer. She died at age 45 just after four years of marriage with Lewis.26 The microburst of loss struck again. Lewis initially published a journal of raw grief under a pseudonym: “No one told me grief felt so much like fear. I am not afraid, but the sensation is like being afraid. The same fluttering in the stomach, the same restlessness … at other times it feels like being mildly drunk or concussed. There is a sort of invisible blanket between the world and me. I find it hard to take in what anyone says. Or perhaps, hard to want to take it in. It is so uninteresting. Yet I want the others to be about me. I dread the

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moments when the house is empty.”27 Did Lewis’s personal suffering somehow fuel his desire to meet his need for creativity? Wounded survivor of war and emotionally wounded with multiple losses, Lewis was author of more than 30 books with translations in 30+ languages. Lewis possessed a ­g rowth-and-grit mindset.

Good Grief We took an initial dive into grieving in Chapter 4 in addressing the loss of one’s work life and worker identity. Grieving takes place all along the life span, but perhaps most often in transitions. There is grief alongside happy transitioning in graduations. Both happiness and sadness are present, like two sides of the same coin. While you are relieved and happy to finish certain Adventure plots of life, there is the realization that you may never see certain familiar people again. Relationships change in transitioning times. People move into new storylines ­post-transition. Actor and director Orson Welles summed up life: “If you want a happy ending, that depends, of course, on where you stop your story.” Much ­story-stopping is out of our control, especially in the COVID pandemic. Grieving is a normal reaction to loss. Both meditation and prayer are helpful in times of grief, as both practices bring an individual into consciousness in the present moment. Minister Alan Taylor suggests, “Prayer opens our heart to what is and, in time, to possibility.” Kathie Lee Gifford walked away from her coanchor position with Hoda Kotb on the fourth hour of NBC’s Today show at age 65. (Previously Gifford was cohost with Regis Philbin on the show Live with Regis and Kathie Lee.) Gifford might have retired, but instead she pursued early passions in her life: “there was a more powerful dream within me that had yet to be fulfilled. All I ever wanted to do, from the time I was a little girl, was sing and be in movies.” Gifford sent Walt Disney a letter asking for a film role when she was in elementary school. Now she makes movies. Gifford cowrote (with Craig Ferguson) and was an actress in Then Came You, a story about a widow. Confronted with widowhood when her second husband (football player and sports commentator Frank Gifford) died, she experienced intense grieving and the awkward social times common to widows. Using ­g rowth-and-grit, Gifford quipped: “I’m considered a senior citizen. But I’ve just decided that at this point in my life, I’m not gonna use my senior citizen discount to go to other people’s movies. I’m gonna make movies for them.”28 As seasoned citizens, most of us have experienced grieving, but how many of us rewire for new beginnings? Unfortunately, many do not have ­death-affirming narratives at their



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fingertips. English writer Virginia Woolf committed suicide in midlife (at age 59) by holding the rocks she put in her coat pockets to drown herself in River Ouse. Her past included the traumas of her mother dying when she was 13; two years later, her mother figure (her ­half-sister Stella) died. These untimely deaths were followed by the deaths of her father and brother within a few more years.29 Emotional stability became a lifelong challenge for Woolf. She did not have the benefit of the psychotherapy methods available today. Woolf was ref lective in her attempts to make sense of life: “the past is beautiful because one never realizes an emotion at the time. It expands later, and thus we don’t have complete emotions about the present, only about the past.” This is especially true with emotions about death. All of us would do well to look into our past journeys with compassion. The British biologist and naturalist Charles Darwin did not use the phrase “survival of the fittest,” although it is often attributed to him. British sociologist Herbert Spenser coined the phrase after he read Darwin’s On the Origin of Species. More accurately we might attribute the phrase “survival of the kindest” to Darwin, who asserted, “those communities, which included the greatest number of the most sympathetic members, would flourish best, and rear the greatest number of offspring.”30 ­Tending-and-befriending self and others is both adaptive and necessary for survival. Psychologist Abraham Maslow wrote a letter to a friend shortly after experiencing a ­near-fatal heart attack: “The confrontation with death— and the reprieve from it—makes everything look so precious, so sacred, so beautiful that I feel more strongly than ever the impulse to love it, embrace it, and to let myself be overwhelmed by it … death, and its ­e ver-present possibility, makes love, passionate love, more possible.”31 Maslow counseled that one must have confidence, despite little initial progress: “[plans] must bloom out in their good time.” This hopefulness is both ­life-affirming and ­death-affirming. However, a close call with death is not the only way to affirm life and its partner, death. Psychologist Tara Brach urges that we ­t ime-travel into the future and imagine that we are close to death. Once embarking on the imaginary journey, Brach asks that you reflect upon one key relationship in your life and ask yourself some questions. My questions are these: Did the time with this person include caring, openness, and acceptance? Or was there a different storyline of anger, judgment, and blame? How might an ­end-of-life perspective be helpful in relating to this person (if alive) or in how you think about them in the present moment? “Witnessing how resentment ensnares our heart moves us toward a path of forgiving in small and large ways … there is a wisdom in us that knows that we need to release blame if

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we are to love each other and love our life.”32 Can you forgive yourself for past missteps?

Rewiring Through Forgiveness Forgiveness is often misunderstood. Forgiveness is an act of both ­self-compassion and compassion for another. Canadian poet and novelist Alden Nowlan recognized: “The day the child realizes that all adults are imperfect, he becomes an adolescent; the day he forgives them, he becomes an adult; the day he forgives himself, he becomes wise.” Hospice and palliative care physician Era Byock agrees: “Forgiveness is actually about emotional economics. It’s about a ­one-time cost that you pay to clear up years of compounded emotional pain. It’s like taking a ­one-time loss in financial investments. Refusing to forgive means accepting the cost of the hurts inflicted on you compounded a thousand times … they accrue in negative emotional energy … forgiveness is not about the other person; it’s about you … letting go of old wounds that weigh you down.”33 When you hold onto painful wounding, there is a distortion of future possibilities for oneself and others. Byock finds that many dying individuals still make changes that have the power to transform the lives around them by saying some key phrases. He uses the same words that are similar to a Hawaiian mantra (see Chapter 6) and are among the most important to say in ­e nd-of-life times: “Please forgive me. I forgive you. Thank you. I love you.”34 If we avoid people who are dying, we do not know what important final messages might be exchanged. Knowing when a loved one’s final moments may come is an issue. Our ancestors often died quickly, but today’s new treatments may enable an individual’s prolonged serious illness. A family member’s diagnosis becomes a lingering diagnosis for the entire family.35 Perhaps the silver lining is a greater timeframe for needed forgiveness. Forgiving someone is not the same as forgetting what happened. We rarely forget violence, adultery, or crimes. Forgiving does not mean that you endorse such behavior. You may have to remove yourself from an environment to ensure that you are not treated wrongly again. You may need help from the justice system; mediation is a powerful resource for giving your voice a platform for working through a conflict. Perhaps best known for use in resolving custody disputes in separating and divorced families,36 mediation provides ­face-to-face dialoguing for conflicting parties with an impartial professional keeping the conversation civil and productive. In most mediations there is the possibility for grievances to subside, as a plan of resolution (and restitution in some cases) is set into motion. The importance of such dialoguing is that people take actions instead of stockpiling



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passive resentment and rumination. Agha Shahid Ali, Indian American poet, captures the angst and complexity of forgiveness in “Farewell” when he describes how our memories can block another person’s reality and history. Sometimes, we erase our own memories. Just remember, if you choose to forgive another individual, you no longer dwell in past preoccupations. You rewire for present actions. In The Book of Forgiving, Archbishop Desmond Tutu and his daughter, Anglican priest Mpho Tutu, advised, “It is important to understand the role grief plays in the forgiveness process … there is no fixed time, no fixed order, no one way of experiencing the grief associated with a loss … one may be in acceptance and then find oneself in anger again … grief is how we come to terms not only with the hardship we have endured, but also with what could have been if life had taken a different course … forgiving is how we move from victim to hero in our story. We know we are healing when we are able to tell a new story.”37 The way to move forward in a grieving/forgiveness process is summarized by psychiatrist Dan Siegel: “Name it to tame it.”

Possibility Time Forgiveness can be quite short, happening in a matter of minutes, or it can take years … no one has the right to tell you how quickly you should walk this path. —Desmond Tutu, South African Archbishop, and Mpho Tutu, Anglican priest

How might you grant forgiveness, both to yourself for any mistakes you made and to another for whatever hurt they caused? Tutu and his daughter suggest a ­non-verbal ritual: 1 .  Find a ­palm-size stone. 2 .  For a ­six-hour timeframe, hold the stone in your ­nondominant hand. Do not put down the stone for any reason during this period. 3 .  At the end of six hours, write down your observations to these questions: What did you notice about carrying the stone? When did you notice it most? Did it hinder any of your activities? Was it ever useful? In what ways was carrying the stone like carrying an unforgiven hurt?

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Part III—Narrative Possibilities Make a list of all those you would like to have forgiven you. What would be the best outcome you could imagine if you were to forgive? How would your life be different? How would your relationships be different—both your relationship to the one who harmed you and your relationships with others?

4 .  What do you want to do with this stone? You can turn your stone into a new thing of beauty or release it back into nature. If you choose to renew the stone, decide how you might paint or decorate it. Or choose to turn it into something useful in your home or garden. If you choose to release your stone, take it back to the place you found it, or take it to a new place that is meaningful to you.38 Archbishop Tutu’s words are powerful: “I will forgive you. My forgiveness is not a gift that I am giving to you. When I forgive you, my forgiveness will be a gift that gives itself to me.” In The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying, Sogyal Rinpoche reminded us: “All religions stress the power of forgiveness, and this power is never more necessary, nor more deeply felt, than when someone is dying.”

Death’s Meaning Death may be our toughest topic, but the main takeaway is that it has meaning. What you believe about death’s meaning is inf luenced by what you were taught, what you may have rejected, what you experienced in loss, and what you hear others say. Spiritual writer Thomas Moore acknowledges the inf luence of others’ thoughts: “You don’t have to argue with anyone else about what you believe about death … but you could converse with others … you might receive support and get some new thoughts about death.” 39 Journalist David Brooks views life as a ­t wo-mountain climb. The first mountain includes the midlife goals of an engaging job, a family, a cozy home, good food, and friends. In spite of achieving this climb, some falter in retirement. I met a woman in sharing an Uber ride; she had experienced a successful career, but she was unhappy in retirement. While relieved to have no deadlines, she sadly talked about having nothing to do except for “watching” her ­g reat-grandson a few days a week. It was as if the manager parts of her personality lost climbing gear. Without her job as her meaning, her life was in free fall. I wondered if she feared death.



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When we fall out of a ­purpose-filled life, Brooks explains, “[there are] seasons of suffering … [that] have a way of exposing the deepest parts of ourselves … [people are] reminded that they are not just the parts of themselves that they put on display. There is another layer to them they have been neglecting … where the dark wounds, and most powerful yearnings live.”40 Brooks views U.S. culture as too ­f irst-mountain focused on moving up in the world, while ­s econd-mountain people look for “moral joy” in making a contribution to some “ultimate good.” In Brooks’s vision, the second mountain does not disparage the first mountain. Rather it is the next ­A scension-and-Descension plot. I call it rewiring. Some rewire their lives by choosing to engage with dying people. Buddhist spiritual teacher Frank Ostaseski is a cofounder of Zen Hospice Project in San Francisco. After an especially difficult day of work, he consulted with psychiatrist Elisabeth ­Kübler-Ross, who had much experience with death. She suggested, “You have to open yourself up and let the pain move through you … it’s not yours to hold.” Ostaseski interprets dying as our final stage of growth. It is the possibility for an unprecedented Discovery plot: “turn toward death like a master teacher and ask, ‘How, then, shall I live?’”41 As a young boy wounded by sexual abuse from a priest, Ostaseski likely asked himself this question many times. Opposite personality parts bubble up to the surface when death approaches our shoreline. Fear, loneliness, guilt and caring can surface in grieving waves together: “although it is embarrassing to admit, we are secretly glad that it is someone else who has cancer and we are the one looking after him [her/them] rather than the other way around … there is no point in hiding that tendency … we could acknowledge that we are afraid of sickness, afraid that the same thing might happen to us, and we are desperate to distance ourselves from that possibility.”42 Acknowledging fragile parts of your personality is one of the more useful things you can do as an encore adult. Name how lonely you will feel to lose an important person in your life. Be curious about prior times in your life when fear or loneliness were present. Did these times have anything to do with your sense of safety? Physical survival is instinctual but consider “survival of the kindest,” beginning with yourself. All parts of your personality desire protection. Some protective parts keep us from reaching out to others. Writer Anna Quindlen’s words capture such overprotection: “she conjured up an entire life that might have been … and suddenly she knew in her bones … that was a life no better than the life she had … she had filled her days mourning that shadow life.” How much time and energy do you place in reminiscing about the past and wishing it had been a different story?

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Flying Solo Sociologist Robert Putnam sounded an alarm about the increasing loneliness of Americans in 2000. Eerily, in the age of COVID, perhaps a renewed sense of community will prevail 20+ years after Putnam made this observation: “­re-creating social capital is no simple task. It would be eased by a palpable national crisis, like war or depression or natural disaster, but for better and for worse, America at the dawn of the new century faces no such galvanizing crisis.”43 Beyonders may imagine that they are the only ones who are lonely, yet Gen Xers, millennials, and Gen Z or Zoomers (born 1997–2012) also are lonely. ­Compassion-crisis has no age limits. Sociologist Brene Brown sees the frequency of finding ourselves “solo” and “braving the wilderness” of our insecure, vulnerable, and critical parts of our personalities. Brown shares her childhood story of moving many times with her family, weathering parental arguments, and feeling like she did not belong even to her own family. A lonely personality part often entails grieving. When you do not acknowledge and care for your lonely part, it is dangerous.44 Loneliness has been found to have the same impact on dying early as smoking 15 cigarettes a day, making it even more dangerous than obesity. Researchers Julianne ­Holt-Lunstad and colleagues found that living with loneliness increases your odds of dying early by 45 percent. In contrast, living with obesity can increase your odds of dying early by 20 percent; excessive drinking, by 30 percent.45 ­Self-compassion is too often in short supply. Brown advocates spiritual compassion: “we are all inextricably connected to each other by a power greater than all of us … grounded in love and compassion.”46 COVID illustrated in brutal lessons that we are inextricably connected. When wearing COVID masks in public places to respect others’ right to health by not spreading the silent killer, we showed spiritual compassion. Nearly constant media footage of our brothers and sisters—as war victims, survivors of natural disasters, and refugees forced to escape violent homelands—gives us pause. We do not wish to trade our wilderness for others’ truly wild landscapes. American Cuban French writer Anaïs Nin had her eye on belonging connections: “Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born.” While 46 percent of all women 75+ live alone, nearly 70 percent of encore individuals living alone are women. Statistics show that men often die before their wives; widowed and divorced men are more likely to remarry than are widowed or divorced women. Seasoned citizens living alone make up nearly 29 percent of the 46 million in community housing in the U.S. Encore adults may not talk about loneliness, but one study (ages 75+) stated that 60 percent report feeling lonely. Despite loneliness, almost



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90 percent of these solo flyers expressed a desire to maintain their independence.47 Sociologist Eric Klinenberg interviewed solo beyonders and found that those with health and enough wealth to pay for their living costs did not want to become dependent upon their adult children. While lonely at times, these encore adults built supportive social networks. Health is the critical factor in the ability to live independently. When you possess mobility (even with a walker), there are more possibilities for enjoying the company of others. Singletons have fewer health problems than comparable individuals who are married but otherwise have few social outlets. Solo encore women who lived alone had fewer mental health problems than married peers.48 Klinenberg also interviewed seasoned citizens who were childless or lived too far away for family visits, had illness that kept them homebound, and/or lived below the poverty line. The most isolated individuals are men. Social isolation is even more prevalent for those in large city neighborhoods with violence fears and few grocery options. Meals on Wheels provides not only much needed nutrition for beyonders but equally needed regular social contact. The irony of U.S. culture gives pause: “in New York City … some of the most dangerous and isolating neighborhoods lie in the shadows of the most safe and prosperous communities on earth.”49 Solo and socially isolated seasoned citizens are at greater risk for health problems—cardiovascular disease, infections, hypertension, and premature cognitive decline—than their socially connected peers. The AARP Public Policy Institute estimated that social isolation elevates Medicare costs annually by $6.7 billion, as more skilled nursing facilities and hospital care are involved. The issue is not only problematic in the U.S. The British government appointed its first minister of loneliness to tackle the problem in 2018.50 Some call loneliness an epidemic. Surgeon General Vivek Murthy advocated targeting loneliness in public health campaigns like those to educate people about the ills of smoking. In Murthy’s experience as a physician, he found loneliness as the “most common pathology” among beyonders, rather than heart disease. 51 Some solo encore adults find that a pet combats loneliness. Research suggests that pet owners have reduced risk for heart attack and stroke, lower levels of pain, better immune function and even improved longevity. Dog owners were found to have a lower risk of death from all causes, especially for those who live solo.52 Cats tend and befriend too!

­Life-Affirming/­Death-Affirming Heroic Stories Death and the fear of death rattle our life stories. Our narratives fill with narrow Escape plots, both behaviorally and emotionally. You may

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not have survived a lonely ­prisoner-of-war (POW) experience as harrowing as John McCain’s heroic endurance, although like McCain you may have developed ­g rowth-and-grit. Research on the PTSD of Air Force aviators captured and imprisoned by the North Vietnamese found that 61 percent of POWs reported having beneficial changes as a result of captivity, while only 30 percent of a control group of veterans who were not captured reported benefits. The POWs who weathered prison the longest and experienced the harshest treatment were much more likely to report positive changes than those held for shorter timeframes. McCain was one of the ­l ife-affirming individuals who gained wisdom about what is most important in life.53 He might have become bitter in grieving his serious war wounds that resulted in lifelong physical disabilities, but he rewired. Psychologist Robert Neimeyer studies grieving. He concluded that circumstances are less important than how you integrate your losses into a unique life story of survival. Death loss has a lifetime incidence of 100 percent! For most grievers, it is not a onetime occurrence. By age 65, half of all women and 10 percent of men are widowed at least once; by age 85, the numbers rise to 80 percent and 40 percent respectively. Losses of siblings include grieving the loss of a shared history. Chronic grief characterizes 16 percent of widows and widowers. Death of a child, especially if by a violent manner, also has a lasting grief period. Losing a loved one is one of life’s greatest challenges, but research finds that most seasoned citizens eventually adapt to their losses. Depression rises over the first six months of bereavement but tapers off in the following year. Many individuals rewire to develop newfound resilience and personal growth. Having a positive ­pre-loss narrative is helpful, 54 but most survivors of loss also need to reorganize, deepen, or expand their personality narratives. Our created story plots make a difference in all of life, but especially in bereavement. Memorial services and funerals are important in the deepening story of grieving. Psychologist Mary Pipher observes: “Ceremonies and events give us opportunities to formulate new stories…[or] reframe our narratives … we realize how many vantage points there are on one particular time.” You may reframe your story by asking others this question: “What do you remember about _____?” As Pipher notes, stories are merely our interpretation of facts.55 Are your ­self-narratives more myth than reality? Psychologists David Feinstein and Stanley Krippner suggest that everyone is a mythmaker: “[your] map … forever needs to be updated … [if] you lose a lifelong partner, your mythology is turned upside down.”56 Personal legacy stories carry the mythology of your culture and family. Actress Sonia Manzano played Maria on Sesame Street for 44 years before her retirement. She also contributed plot ideas as she was asked for



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Hispanic content. Manzano had a memoir simmering for over 20 years. Her ­l ife-affirming manuscript with stories about alcoholism and child/ spouse abuse make one shiver. In a book talk for the American Library Association, Manzano spoke of her troubled father in terms of her opposite emotions: “That’s the difficulty of being a kid—when you feel two things at the same time.” This is also the difficulty of most seasoned citizens. We have both positive memories and memories that make us shiver. Other people give us plenty of advice, both asked for and unsolicited. Manzano explains: “Everyone knows how others should live … [as] if everyone’s life is like a coat they can give each other to try on for size.” Manzano recalled her favorite game in kindergarten—setting up blocks and pretending to jump out a window of a burning apartment: “[to] practice so I’m not like those kids in the newspaper who always die because they are afraid to jump.”57 Many children are heroic simply by their capability to thrive in torturous family plots. Finding resilience and positive possibilities throughout life takes rewiring. We move to a consolidation of ­self-meanings in life in Chapter 9.

9

Be Aware (and Beware) of ­Self-Meanings A burden of these years is the possibility that I might stay more buried in my losses than aware of my gains. A blessing of these years is the transformation of the self to be … the self I have been becoming all my life. —Joan Chittister, Benedictine nun, The Gift of Years: Growing Older Gracefully Now is the season to know that everything you do is sacred. —Hafiz, Persian poet

Physics, matter, and energy are topics that have always fascinated me—not because I understand them; perhaps they capture my curiosity because I struggle to comprehend the inner/outer workings of the Universe. Now there is the concept of a Multiverse. I am in awe that there is a revised number of galaxies in the observable universe from a previous estimate of 100 billion to 200 billion or more.1 I took high school physics 55 years ago and even had a female teacher. I so admired her patience in trying to explain something vital to students who did not appreciate the topic, from what I could tell by their lackluster faces in class. I am a keen observer of faces. Without being conscious of it at the time, I was intrigued more by questions than by answers. Still intrigued, and often in awe, I keep learning. Consider Italian physicist Carlo Rovelli’s brain explanation: “We have 100 billion neurons in our brains, as many as there are stars in a galaxy, with an even more astronomical number of links and potential combinations through which they can interact. We are not conscious of all of this.”2 I only fathom the ­not-being-conscious aspect. In my ­17-year-old existence, I had a lot of questions arising from physics class about science and probably an equal number about religion. I recently found my notebook from a church youth camp. Here are some of my notes from a college professor’s ­leadership-and-religion lecture for 182



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high school campers: “Personality is the sum total of external and internal adjustments … all behavior has meaning—certain looks and gestures have meaning … people are in search of meaning … an intellectually healthy person has an insatiable curiosity … one has to be intellectually healthy to be religious.” I wrote questions on several pages and handed them to the campers sitting beside me, but they never wrote any answers to my questions: “We know who, what, where’s and when’s of news stories, but not the why’s—why Viet Nam?” “Where is the line between faith and the questions? Do you understand what I’m asking?” What one adolescent did write back in my notebook is entertaining and enlightening in rereading it five decades later. Her thoughtful comments about a speaker are special: “He is quite wrinkled and also quite thin; he is a very active man and has really lived his life to the ultimate. I just think he’s tremendous. Right after the first time I heard him, I decided to be a foreign diplomat.” Later she wrote in my notebook from another personality part: “The second boy from the end of this row … [is] the one I talked to before lunch!” Since there are no names attached to these fleeting words, I do not know if this gal ended up in foreign service and/or with the guy! However, a takeaway message is her timeless admiration of a wrinkled encore adult who lived life “to the ultimate.” He embodied archetypal Father Time with growth plus grit. He spoke wisdom from core ­self-territory.

Revisiting Core Self Viktor Frankl, Austrian psychiatrist and neurologist, is an individual who lived life to the ultimate. How Frankl managed to survive for three years in four different concentration camps—and write what is considered (by the Library of Congress) to be one of the 10 most influential books in America—is inspiring. Frankl wrote Man’s Search for Meaning anonymously, shortly after his camp release, only adding his name later upon his friends’ urging. Frankl’s concentration camp coping skill of composing speeches to avoid attacks of delirium is revealing. He used shorthand on tiny scraps of paper to reconstruct a manuscript on psychotherapy that was taken from him. He received meager favors as he listened to the marriage troubles of a guard who held Frankl’s life in his hands. This must have caused added suffering, as Frankl was not at the same camp as his wife, Tilly; instead, he held onto imaginary conversations with Tilly. She did not survive the ordeal. “Love goes very far beyond the physical person of the beloved. It finds its deepest meaning in his [her/their] spiritual being, his [her/their] inner self.”3 Holding onto a core self throughout the

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terror of the Holocaust shines through in Frankl’s writing. Neither torture nor starvation can damage a core self. Beware of confusing core self with “ego,” one word for an ­e ver-chatty, opinionated part of personality. Ecumenical teacher Richard Rohr suggests that people spend much of their time in “ego pretend,” or what he calls “False Self.” Rohr admits that no one is ­s elf-aware or conscious 24 hours a day, but he explains a core self: “we might call the True Self our soul … an absolute reference point that is both utterly within you and utterly beyond you at the very same time.”4 Rohr acknowledges how frequently an individual gets sidetracked from true ­s elf-awareness and suggests a way forward: “[when] a resentment, negativity, or irritation comes into your mind … move that thought or person literally into your heart space because such commentaries are almost entirely lodged in your head.”5 Rohr’s explanations of complaining emotional parts and True Self are similar to Schwartz’s Internal Family Systems (IFS) definitions of a critical personality part as distinct from a core self.6 Schwartz suggests that our inner critic is the most misunderstood part in personalities! What IFS contributes to a keen understanding of personality is the conscious awareness of a core self and the radical compassion it has for all of who you are. When you learn how to practice ­self-compassion, you open yourself to have compassion for others; likewise, if you hate or fear the angry part of your personality, you struggle to have any compassion or forgiveness for another’s anger. Schwartz describes parts’ protectiveness: “these things we think of as our inner enemies are really heroes stuck in time.” 7 A student of Schwartz, Jenna Riemersma, applies IFS to her faith. She defines a core self as “Imago Dei” (God Image) and understands opposing personality parts in her faith tradition: “Apostle Paul … wrote, ‘I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.’”8 A core self is not defined by any particular faith. Your definition of this core consciousness is what counts. You define your own personality.

Rewire ­Warm-Up Joseph Campbell: Have you ever read Sinclair Lewis’s Babbitt? —Bill Moyers: Not in a long time. Joseph Campbell: Remember the last line? “I have never done a thing that I wanted to do in all my life.” That is a man who never followed his bliss.



9. Be Aware (and Beware) of ­Self-Meanings185 Do you have a complainer part? Will Bowen, a minister in Kansas City, invited 250 parishioners to don a rubber wrist band imprinted with the word “spirit.” Bowen asked his congregation to shift their attention away from “lack of abundance” by giving up complaining for 21 days. For each time a person caught themselves complaining, they would change the purple rubber bracelet to their other wrist and restart the ­2 1-day countdown. While this sounds easy, Bowen found it takes most individuals 4–10 months to go three weeks without complaining! After appearing on The Oprah Winfrey Show he received orders for more than two million bands from around the world. He established a nonprofit, A Complaint Free World. “Complaining is like bad breath. You notice it when it comes out of somebody else’s mouth, but not when it comes out of your own.” Bowen views complaint reduction as larger than any religion.9 The frequency of our complaining is subconscious. Do you enjoy a good challenge? This exercise will challenge you. 1 .  See if you can go a single hour without having a complaint. When you detect criticism, be glad you are conscious in “catching” complaining in action! Pause. Take a deep breath. Be curious about your complaint. As Frankl observed, “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” You probably guessed that this exercise is about rewiring. 2 .  Find a rubber band and place it on one wrist. You might decorate it with a word of your choosing. Make a commitment to wear this for at least the next 21 days. If you find yourself complaining, place the rubber band on your other wrist. Start your count over. Be aware that this can go into extra innings. Listen to each story from your complainer part. Extend ­self-compassion. 3 .  You might jot down what you notice. I caught a complaint soon after I put a regular rubber band, labeled with my word— compassion—on my wrist! I became curious about the pitch that scored a critical hit. When you become curious about your critical part and appreciate its protective aspect, you are rewiring.

Encore ­Self-Meanings In Chapter 1 we covered how negative perceptions have a negative effect on chronic stress levels in your body; conversely, your positive

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perceptions enhance your bodymind. Who among us does not desire a flourishing bodymind? Psychologist Martin Seligman made a career of studying flourishing, or ­well-being. He found acts of kindness as the most reliable momentary increase in ­well-being. Seligman focused on five elements for ­well-being: •  positive emotion (such as pleasure, ecstasy, or comfort); •  engagement (as in ­t ime-stopping to be in the moment); •  meaning (“belonging to and serving something that you believe is bigger than … religion, political party, being green, or even family”); •  positive relationships (with people who really care about you); and •  accomplishment (in what you do, when free of coercion, that absorbs you).10 As other researchers report, Seligman found that many individuals who had endured at least one awful event in their lifetime (torture, grave illness, death of a beloved person, rape, or imprisonment) experienced higher ­well-being than individuals who had none. ­Post-traumatic growth included constructive ­s elf-disclosure (rather than keeping secrets) and creating narratives that included both grief and gratitude.11 In retelling life plots—possibly featuring Rivalry, Temptation, or Forbidden Love narratives—individuals reframed themselves as “compassionate.” This is ­s elf-territory where all personality parts are affirmed. McAdams’s redemptive narratives align with Seligman’s research: “If there is to be redemption, there must first be pain.”12 COVID impact was measured in a 9,­0 00-person, ­f ive-generation study by psychologist and gerontologist Ken Dychtwald (collaborating with Edward Jones Investments and the Harris Poll). Despite possible health differences, results showed that 15 percent of Boomers and 8 percent of those older reported that they suffered mental health declines compared with 37 percent of Gen Z and 27 percent of millennials. The pandemic has caused nearly 68 million U.S. adults to rethink their retirement timing, yet 31 percent of new retirees struggle to find a sense of purpose in transitioning to their new life stage. 13 However, 33 percent of the participants reported that the pandemic stimulated having family conversations about ­end-of-life planning; this was a ­f irst-time sharing on such topics for 44.5 million Americans.14 What about those who find it challenging to rewire in challenging times? Lise Van Susteren is a psychiatrist with expertise on the psychological impacts of climate change. She finds that a growing number of U.S. individuals experience a sense of foreboding, negativity, heightened



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vigilance, and a sense of dread. This “emotional inflammation” was rampant in her practice before COVID. With many disasters in nature piling up—from wildfires to hurricanes—people are shaken with uncertainty. ­Human-made disasters also are increasing. Mass shootings, hate crimes, ­nuclear-missile testing and wars are threats. Both youth and adults may abuse substances to dampen anxiety. In just one year (2017) opioid overdoses were responsible for 47,000 U.S. deaths, a number greater than six times the number of U.S. service members killed post 9/11 in wars in Iraq and Afghanistan combined.15 Finding solace in drugs distracts but does not reduce stress. While there are enormous issues fueling emotional inf lammation in the U.S., Van Susteren remains hopeful. In 2018 a group of over 100 leaders was asked what gave them hope for the future. The leaders’ list was long: youth and youth movements, advances in social justice (such as Black Lives Matter and MeToo movements), technological and scientific innovations, music and other creative expression, and the human traits of ingenuity, kindness, and compassion. I agree with Van Susteren’s call for a balance between turning inward (becoming aware of your emotions) and reaching outward to engage in activities that provide purpose. She advocates fostering a sense of community where compassionate individuals accept different people’s coping styles without judgment.16 This takes rewiring some ­long-practiced brain pathways. Identify the part(s) of your personality that are too quick to complain about others. Accept any personality parts’ stories as protective of you. Engage a ­g rowth-and-grit mindset to cope with challenging people. Maintain a ­s elf-meaning that embraces both passion for yourself and compassion for others. A fixed-mindset perspective entails wanting everything to “be the same.” Have you noticed how the seasons keep changing? The weather, including weathering the pandemic, is a moving target. We may not live the “same” way as we did ­pre-pandemic. Also, we cannot live the “same” way in escalating encore years. Consider Frank Baum’s ­Voyage-and-Return plot for all ages, The Wonderful Wizard of Oz, published in 1900. There are messages for both adults and children in Baum’s classic story.17 While he visited Kansas only once, Baum was deeply moved by a tornado which ripped through the state in 1893, killing 31 people and destroying two towns. Baum turned his grieving into a redemptive narrative about a girl and her dog who are swept away by a tornado. Dorothy Gale was named for Dorothy Gage, his ­five-month-old niece who died during his writing about Oz. He created his name for a ­made-up kingdom by staring intently at his filing cabinet. The three drawers were marked, A to G, H to N, and O to Z. The letters ­O -Z captured his imagination.18 Heroine Dorothy endured many

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challenges before reaching the Wizard. Coping with fear and uncertainty are mainstays in Baum’s original story. Dorothy asks the ­pretend-Wizard if he is frightened and he replies truthfully: “Child, you’re talking to a man who’s laughed in the face of death, sneered at doom, and chuckled at catastrophe…. I was petrified.” One takeaway message is the ­g rowth-and-grit mindset of Dorothy, an orphan raised by her aunt and uncle amid conf lict at home. Aunt Em orders Dorothy, “Find yourself a place where you won’t get into any trouble!” Like many runaways, Dorothy takes this message to heart and runs off with her dog, Toto. Then the tornado strikes. Dorothy meets the Tin Man, Scarecrow and Lion, finding that everyone struggles. Each friend feels inadequate—not having enough compassion, or intelligence, or courage. When all work together in their ­O vercoming-the-Monster plot to save Dorothy from a Wicked Witch, they each rewire. Each possesses inner strengths (in spite of the Scarecrow’s and Tin Man’s bodily disabilities), although they were unable to recognize their possibilities initially.

Autumn Aging Time John O’Donohue, Irish theologian and philosopher, acknowledged both fears and gifts of aging. Losing purpose and independence of younger ages is scary and uncertain. Few speak as passionately about the gifts of aging as O’Donohue. Ironically, he wrote about autumn as a favorite time of the year: he died suddenly and unexpectedly at age 52 before reaching the winter of his life. His ­old-soul understanding of growth inspires many people: “when it is autumn in your life, the things that happened in the past, or the experiences … almost unknown to you, now yield their fruit … you are able to gather lost moments and experiences, bring them together, and hold them as one … see aging not as the demise of your body but as the harvest of your soul … aging can be a time of great strength, poise, and confidence.”19 Encore harvesting is ripe with ­s elf-meaning. When the COVID pandemic wreaked sickness and/or death upon many families, there were openings to harvest what is essential in life. When we become more conscious of what is meaningful, we find belonging or interconnectedness. Psychologist William James illustrated belongingness in an image: “We are like islands in the sea, separate on the surface, but connected in the deep.” We find meaning when we pause to connect to our inner core self, realizing interconnectedness with others. When we pause, we take a break from our nearly constant inner ­chitter-chatter that



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clogs daily thinking. Negative chatter is a barrier to our possibilities for connections. Our storytelling plots, both about ourselves and about others, can sequester us on separate islands rather than explore deeper meanings that we might share. I remind myself to pause, become conscious of ­s elf-territory, and rewire by making sense of my thinking when I catch myself sliding into negative chatter. Zen teacher Pema Chödrön reminds us how to see beyond negatives: “We have the capacity to wake up and live consciously … we can realize that people … say mean things for the same reasons we do. With a sense of humor, we can see that our sisters and brothers, our partners, our children, our coworkers are driving us crazy the same way we drive other people crazy … [life is] an experiment. In the next moment, in the next hour, we could choose to stop, to slow down, to be still for a few seconds … once you start doing it, pausing becomes something that nurtures you; you begin to prefer it to being all caught up.”20 Can you pause to rewire when ­stress-filled reactions cram your bodymind? Is it time to start a new habit? “What?” you ask. “At my age?” Yes! Pick a new habit to weave into daily life. Now choose a starting date. Motivational writer Daniel Pink offers a list of 86 calendar days that are auspicious for new beginnings: “12 first days of the month, 52 Mondays, the 4 days that begin each season, July 4th, your favorite holiday, a birthday … the first day back from vacation, or anniversary date (wedding, first date, divorce).” 21 Your ­s tart-up may lead to an exciting possibility. Chilean American Isabel Allende was forced to leave her homeland during a military coup that resulted in the assassination of her relative, Salvador Allende, president of Chile. Exiled in Venezuela and wanting to keep her family memories alive, Allende began writing a series of unmailed letters when her ­9 9-year-old grandfather was dying in Chile and she could not visit him. Allende’s ­l etter-writing turned into a ­5 00-page first novel, The House of the Spirits. Allende began her writing January 8; she waits for that day to begin each new novel. 22 You may wait for January 1 to start something new, but today is another possibility.

Possibility Time I Sometimes our light goes out but is blown into flame by another human being. Each of us owes deepest thanks to those who have rekindled this light. —Albert Schweitzer, German French theologist and physician

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Reviewing life events and finding thanksgiving moments is meaningful in a variety of ways. As gratitude researcher and psychologist Robert Emmons points out, gratitude implies humility, a realization that we might not be who or where we are in life without the contributions of others. This interdependence is especially key at the beginning and ending of life.23 Gratitude for others’ contributions to us affirms interdependence. One new move you might enjoy is a Gratitude Visit. Gratitude is appreciating what is meaningful, a thankfulness, and/or an appreciation of something or someone. German theologian Meister Eckhart believed: “If the only prayer you said in your whole life was ‘thank you,’ that would suffice.” 1 .  Think about a living person who years ago said something or did something that changed your life for the better. Perhaps you never thanked this person, or you would like to thank them in a more poignant way now. 2 .  Write a letter of gratitude to this individual; if possible, deliver it in person. Use specific examples of recalling the person saying/ doing something and how it affected your life. Make it dynamic! 3 .  Call the person and let them know that you would like to meet but be vague about the purpose of the visit; this exercise is special when it is a surprise. When you meet up, read your letter. Notice the reactions, including yours. If you are interrupted as you read, respectfully say that you want to finish it in one reading. 4 .  Talk about your emotional personality parts! Seligman’s research suggests that you will be happier and less depressed one month later.24 ­Brain-performance coach Jim Kwik suggests, “Feeling gratitude and not expressing is like wrapping a present but never giving it to the person we bought it for.” Gratitude is felt keenly in the bodymind: it is not unusual to have tears accompany gratitude moments. The part of your personality that may keep you from feeling gratitude is often a complainer or critic. When you are busy with a downer mentality, it is difficult to let gratitude fly freely. Gratitude is a boomerang. You can fling it many directions, but often it somehow comes back to you.

Winter Aging Time The only immortal creature is a Turritopsis dohrnii jellyfish. This fascinating “jelly” does not retire or die but rewires dramatically. After adults



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reproduce, they experience a reverse metamorphosis into a juvenile polyp state. It seems magical, but a lot of nature is in the awesome realm. As the jellyfish body becomes smaller, its tentacles retract, drop to the ocean floor, and then bodily growth resumes. There are two possibilities for jellyfish death—being eaten by a fish or contracting a disease—but they do not die due to aging.25 Bristlecone pine trees avoid cellular aging, which gives them the opportunity to live for thousands of years; they do show signs of wrinkled and twisted aging from suffering lightning strikes or losing limbs from heavy snow.26 Do you wish you were a pine tree or a jellyfish? No, me neither. Mary Oliver’s poem “In Blackwater Woods” 27 captures the timeframe for the winter of our aging; at some point, either with consciousness or without, all of us encounter the time to let everything in our life “go.” You may have definite thoughts about “going,” or not. Religious and/or spiritual beliefs are personal. Psychologist Clara Hill suggests: “Even if I believe that the meaning of life is a religious meaning, I still need to make it my meaning … every little thing you do … [ask] what do I choose to do? …[and] what meaning do I take from that?”28 Hill emphasizes that no person finds only one meaning to life. ­Meaning-detection is an ongoing process of legacy construction. Your life stories have great meanings whether or not you care to ponder what they might tell about you. We often do not consider the meaning of our stories until certain transitioning times demand explanations. Early meanings can change. In a rare interview Mary Oliver was asked by radio host Krista Tippett about becoming more spiritual with aging.29 A survivor of lung cancer, Oliver replied: “I’ve become kinder, more ­people-oriented, more willing to grow old. I always was investigative in terms of everlasting life, but a little more interested now, a little more content with my answers.” Are you more content with your answers? The ­meaning-in-life question was asked of the Dalai Lama when he visited the U.S. and wanted to see skiing. He was thrilled by his chairlift view of mountains looking like Tibet, his exiled homeland. Skilled at living in the moment, he yelled to a skier to be careful! Later a waitress popped the meaning question when the Dalai Lama’s group of monks came inside the ski lodge. The Dalai Lama speaks four languages, but he answered in English: “The meaning of life is happiness … [the] hard question is not, ‘What is meaning of life?’ That is easy question to answer! No, hard question is what make[s] happiness. Money? Big house? Accomplishment? Friends or compassion and good heart? This is [a] question all human beings must try to answer: What make[s] true happiness?”30 Then, in his wisdom, the Dalai Lama smiled. Each of us gathers our own harvest of happiness.

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Surgeon and CEO of Haven (a ­h ealth-care company formed by Amazon, JP Morgan Chase & Company, and Berkshire Hathaway), Atul Gawande was well trained and grew up with two physician parents. He witnessed numerous family members battling ­l ife-threatening illnesses, but medicine always came to their rescue. It was when he encountered the first deaths in his patients that Gawande had an awakening. Literally, he awakened with recurring nightmares where he dreamed that his dead patients were in his bed. He imagined that the meaning of his dreams was that he had failed them. “You don’t have to spend much time with the elderly or those with terminal illness to see how often medicine fails the people it is supposed to help … lacking a coherent view of how people might live successfully all the way to their very end, we have allowed our fates to be controlled by the imperatives of medicine, technology, and strangers.”31 Too many encore adults suffer from treatments that promise only a slight improvement at best. Just one level below his surgery unit, Gawande bypassed the floor with geriatric patients for years until one day he asked to accompany a skilled geriatrician, Juergen Bludau, on hospital rounds. What Gawande learned is something most physicians learn on the job. Medical school teaches doctors to treat diseases. Bludau’s focus was more comprehensive. He asked questions about his geriatric patients’ quality of life from head to toe, including their social life. Gawande’s grandfather in India lived to the ripe beyonder age of almost 110; he died falling off a bus even though he was accompanied by family members. He had outlived three wives and had 16 children.32 In the past, taking care of seasoned citizens and living with multigenerational family members was the norm all over the world, but aging in the new millennium has different meanings. The number of children that might share eldercare in the U.S. was seven children per family in the mid–1800s; by 1940 that number dropped to 2.2 children in the average family. In 1850 nearly 70 percent of those 65 and older lived with their adult children; by 2000 under 15 percent were cared for in this manner. However, since the unsettling Great Recession in 2008, the number of people per household went up for the first time in 160 years. Families began “doubling up” with shared living. In 2019, 20 percent of U.S. households were shared, up from 17 percent in 2007. 33 Death in homes was the norm in 1945, but then dropped in the late 1980s to only 17 percent of Americans dying at home. After modern hospice care originated in England in 1967, now common in the U.S., people desirous of dying at home are accommodated. 34 With the COVID pandemic affecting every aspect of life around the world, many changes unfolded, from medical care by teleconference to how families share households.



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“Running” Out of Time What does “running” out of time mean to you? Some words are tricksters. Economist John Maynard Keynes quipped: “In the long run we are all dead.” To me, the phrase suggests that we exercise some possibilities of purpose before it is too late. One proactive possibility that will help both you and significant others is to discuss with adult children (and/or partners) what your final wishes are before you run out of time. You can put your wishes into writing in accord with your state’s power of attorney paperwork (often available online). Gerontologist Sandi Peters recommends that you put together a binder with all your important papers: include the type of care you desire, as well as a list of foods, music, movies, books and interests that you love. Peters refers to this planned itinerary as helpful for your ­end-of-life “trip.”35 A national survey by the Conversation Project found that 92 percent of Americans report that talking about ­end-of-life care with loved ones is important, although only 32 percent have engaged in “the conversation.” Although a majority are willing talkers, most give this reason for not taking action: “It is too soon!” Kate DeBartolo, director of the Conversation Project, notes: “It’s always too soon, until it’s too late.” You may have squeamish thoughts about delaying such conversations, but research suggests that family members have less depression after their loved one dies if they had “the conversation” before death. Conversation starter kits are available to download and print for free.36 Knowing a loved one’s ­end-of-life wishes makes a difficult time less stressful. My mother at age 96 was not interested in being the “last rose of summer.” Even though she no longer qualified for her assisted living apartment due to her increasing loss of mobility in both knees and shoulders, her mental clarity kept her vibrant for making plans. She was not a ­bingo-playing candidate for a nursing home. She chose a group home residence for beyonders in her community. While some in their 90s speak of existing in “God’s waiting room,” my mother simply could not typecast herself as waiting for anything except for the public library to deliver the next books she selected. She kept herself busy with her many moral projects, mainly racial justice and world peace. Poet Naomi Shihab Nye believed “the real heroes of race and culture would always be the people who stepped out of their own line to make a larger circle.” My mom lived with the “larger circle” in mind, but she sensed that she was running out of time. As lovely a person as she was, Mom began to criticize herself as she realized her final days would come. She kept asking me about certain life events and questioned whether she had done her “best.” She quoted her ­second-grade spelling book: “Good, better, best. Never let it rest, ’til

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your good is better and your better is best.” The quote is attributed to Latin priest St. Jerome. Zen Hospice Project cofounder Frank Ostaseski observed, “As people come closer to death, I have found that only two questions really matter to them—‘Am I loved?’ and ‘Did I love well?’” Ostaseski views grief in bodymind expressions. He sees how diverse grief is, from numbness to criticism: “The critic knows your every move … every bit of your past. It has been right there with you throughout your life. You shower with it. Take it to work. It sits next to you at every meal and even sticks around for dessert … it’s definitely there when you are dying.”37 I experienced the enduring power of a critical part as I sat with a seasoned citizen days before her death. She was embarrassed about her basement. She had saved all her kids’ school papers and she did not want people to see her basement. While she had worked on a massive ­clean-up, she criticized herself for running out of time. Ostaseski survived a heart attack and gained a new appreciation of time. He instructs us to welcome every emotion, especially at death’s gate: “As we come into adulthood, the harsh, coercive voice of the judge outgrows its usefulness. But it continues … [it] wants to protect us by managing our lives … we don’t need the critic’s constant appraisal and attacks, its humiliation … or the suffering it generates. But mostly, we still think we do … there is an alternative to the critic … in the movement from judgment to discernment.”38 Yes, there is an opportunity for beyonders to rewire when cognitive abilities are present. ­S elf-territory discernment embraces clarity, connectedness, calmness, creativity, curiosity, confidence, courage, consciousness and, perhaps most importantly, compassion for oneself and others. Poet Stanley Kunitz embraced these qualities to write poetry well into his 90s. He became the United States Poet Laureate in 1974 and was appointed a second time in 2000 at the age of 95, when he was still publishing and promoting poetry. Some believe that the quality of his poetry increased with age. Kunitz described his later poetry: “spareness and rigor and a world of compassion.” His main theme became the way death and life are tied to each other. Kunitz was no stranger to death. His father had experienced bankruptcy and committed suicide six weeks before Kunitz was born. In one poem, “The Portrait,” Kunitz tells of finding a portrait of his father in the attic. When he shared it with his mother, without a word she ripped it into shreds and slapped him soundly; at age 64 the poet still felt the slap. His stepfather also filed for bankruptcy and died when Kunitz was 14 years old. At age 15 Kunitz moved out. He worked as a butcher’s assistant before graduating with college and master’s degrees from Harvard. He served a noncombatant role as a



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conscientious objector in World War II prior to finding his vocation in professorships. He likened his ­l ifting-up efforts in mentoring students to tending plant growth.39 Kunitz died at age 100, but at age 98 he kept rewiring, even in his dreams. One dream embraced change when he felt himself transforming. During his entire life Kunitz tended gardens: “working the land…. I am celebrating a ritual of death and resurrection. Every spring I feel that. I am never closer to the miraculous than when I am grubbing in the soil.”40 Kunitz deemed gardening “a living poem.”41 I resonate with devotion to garden plots. Gardens model ­g rowth-and-grit. Gardens are always transforming. When spring bulbs die, emerging perennials begin their run in the sun. Kunitz’s poem “The Layers” (written when he was in his 70s) gives his ­g rowth-and-grit philosophy: he simply could not stop making changes.42 Kunitz gathered necessary strength to reconcile both past pain and present awareness through poetry and gardening. Indian American physician Deepak Chopra also champions ­g arden-healing: “the perfect medicine is often blooming outside our front doors.” Name your own avocation. Rewire within a ­s elf-meaning that holds a ­healing-center space.

Healing What Ails with Joy Ostaseski faced cancer with courage. His chosen hospice work taught him that it is not possible to let go of suffering until it is faced. When one has a ­f ixed-mindset personality that demands control over illness, an underlying fearful part is close by: “we are all split personalities … it is as though we had a permanent committee meeting going on inside us, with one member wanting to go this way and another wanting to go that way … this committee never seems to adjourn or break for lunch. It can get pretty annoying … the harder we struggle to get rid of our thoughts, the more thoughts there are.”43 Gerontologist Sandi Peters finds that the very issues a person avoided earlier in their life often rise to awareness in late life.44 All of us need grit in finding ways to address both suffering and joy. When Canadian therapist and educator Catherine Fenwick was diagnosed with ­advanced-stage breast cancer, she devoted her time to reevaluating her life. She rewired. As she pushed a reset button for herself, she claimed to be happier, healthier, and more fully alive than previously. Fenwick discovered humor and joy as part of her healing.45 When we figure out how to heal whatever ails with some joy, we rewire. If you have been reading at least every other chapter, you have encountered many examples of opposites. Ostaseski points out that

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when serious illness overtakes an encore adult’s body and they have lost functioning, they may feel unlovable. This is a time when the joy of love becomes ­a ll-important. “The boundlessness of love is made evident when the veils between this world and the invisible world are thinnest.”46 Thomas Moore might agree, but he uses different words: “love is always laced with death.”47 This is serious talk. When we are younger, we have excuses for not dealing with loss, but all of us who love others will face the inevitable separation of death. Look for joy and the healing of love to surround you when you are grieving. Artist Georgia O’Keeffe observed, “Nobody sees a flower, really—it is so small we haven’t time, and to see takes time.” What is your most important use of your time? When do you harvest joy? Consider the life of anthropologist and motivational speaker John Goddard, who lived his 88 years full of both ideas and vigor. At age 15 he sat at his kitchen table and pondered life; he wrote “My Life List” at the top of a piece of paper. What happened next is inspiring. Goddard’s fishing for creative living caught 127 goals! As an adolescent he plotted Adventure for his life and then proceeded to live with gusto. His bucket list included climbing the world’s major mountains, piloting the world’s fastest plane, running a ­five-minute mile, and reading an entire set of encyclopedias. By the time he died, he had accomplished 109 of his original goals. Goddard suggested, “People don’t get what they want out of life because they don’t know what they want out of life.”48 Jungian analyst Carl Greer states that the reason people do not change course, even when they are unhappy with what they are doing, is because they are too attached to their anger, jealousy, or fearful parts of their personalities. Greer advocates for joy, courage, love, and compassion as possibilities, but first sees a need for respecting one’s past efforts: “Each aspect of your current story has, in one way or another, served a purpose. Even if you want to change or shed part of your current story, it is important to honor it for the role it has played.” Greer asks poignant questions: •  If you had a half hour to live, what would you do next? •  What if you had one day? One month? One year?49

Possibility Time II If you take care of the minutes, the years will take care of themselves. —Tibetan Proverb



9. Be Aware (and Beware) of ­Self-Meanings197 When you are aware of your blame, anger, jealousy and/or fear as protective parts of your personality, choose to give a little respect to one of these protectors today. You may have competing emotions vying for your attention. You may ask, “Where am I supposed to feel stuff?” Neuroscientist Antonio Damasio explains: “­Body-brain communication goes both ways, from body to brain and in reverse … the body tells the brain: this is how I am built and this is how you should see me now. The brain tells the body what to do to maintain its even keel … it also tells the body to construct an emotional state…. Body and brain are engaged in a continuous interactive dance.”50 Reassure all your personality parts that you will make time to dance with each of them. 1 .  Take a deep breath. Reflect on your intense emotions or sensations that always try to defend your point of view. Recall a time, either current or from a past interaction, when you experienced an intense emotion, such as blame, anger, jealousy, or fear. Check where you might have any sensations in your body that may stow this emotional part of you. Is it hanging out in the attic of your body, or brain? Maybe you carry it around in an upset stomach or body family room. Take deep breaths. Acknowledge how this part of your personality is protective. 2 .  How do you feel toward this part? Can you be curious toward it? Can you extend some appreciation for how hard it tried to intervene in some way on your behalf? What happens when you give a peace offering of acceptance instead of hating how it responded one time? Instead of saying, “I am mad,” try, “A part of me is mad.” 3 .  Ask if there is a second emotion or sensation that has any details to add to the same interaction. Reassure the first part that you will return to it shortly. Also reassure these intense emotions that you have the capacity to have positive regard for both. We may encounter jealousy battles within our own thinking! Check where you might find the second emotion in your body. Does it express different bodily sensations? What fears emerge if this part of you does not keep lobbying for attention? Let both parts of your personality know that you respect and appreciate how protective they are of you. Accept that opposing parts coexist in your personality. Experience a core self as their compassionate mediator who accepts both viewpoints without judgment. As in all skillful mediations, keeping the presentation of opposite parties civil can allow for insights and new possibilities.

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4 .  Figure out what you might change to have more joy in your life. You might list the qualities you dislike in others. Which one bothers you most? Can you identify a time when you showed such a part in your own personality? Now ­fast-forward to what you may be missing out on because of your preoccupations. When you acknowledge your past plots with compassion for the trials you endured, you free yourself for new possibilities. How might you use your responses in this exercise to have more joy in your life? You can do this exercise in your head, or you can sketch your responses in a map.51 Journaling is another possibility.

Meaningful Music In reading this book, you are making present time for reading. Miles Davis, jazz trumpeter and composer, said it boldly: “Time isn’t the main thing. It’s the only thing.” I suggest you turn on some background music of your choosing while you read the rest of this book. While I love Beatles music when I’m driving my car, when I write or read, I have a classical radio station playing in the background. There are many gifts in time spent with music as a companion. Music can elevate mood, reduce stress hormones, ease pain, and enhance social bonds.52 It was sweet to hear Ode to Joy on the radio when I was writing the section on joy! Little synchronicities melt time. Beethoven’s final movement of his final Symphony No. 9 always conveys joy for me. Words are ­e motion-laden too. French poet Paul Verlaine’s poem “Clair de Lune” (“Moonlight”) inspired ­m usic-making for Claude Debussy, Gabriel Faure and Josef Szulc.53 ­Thought-provoking poetry and the beauty of music enlarge our sensing of time. Perhaps you already write lyrics or play a musical instrument. If not, you might entertain either or both as possibilities. Drumming is available to many and is satisfying even if you are a novice. Engaging music, especially dancing to music, has benefits beyond enjoyment. Research in Spain found that aging ­non-professional salsa dancers outperformed ­non-dancers in several health markers: “dancing is more beneficial than repetitive physical exercise … it activated brain plasticity mechanisms at a greater extent.” Dancing not only can slow down ­a ge-related cognitive decline and reduce the risk of cardiovascular disease, but it promotes social time.54 Powerful conversations take place on the dance floor. Music—an ancient human language—moves your bodymind grooves.



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You might consider ­belly-dancing moves. When my beloved spouse died suddenly, I joined a ­belly-dance class as one way to affirm life. Swirling a huge silk scarf overhead and gyrating to unusual (to me) music was far more invigorating than I had imagined. I gained appreciation for another culture. Middle Eastern belly dance commemorates special occasions such as giving birth. Initially, it was a religious dance. You do not have to join a class to receive benefits from ­d ance-time. There are online opportunities to try out dance moves in the privacy of your home. If movement is challenging, try simple ­music-making. A study using musical training with stroke survivors found that making rhythmic sounds with a mallet hitting a “singing” bowl can rewire brain waves to change brain activity! Musical training encourages hearing, motor, and perception brain systems to work together.55

Nature’s Time According to the National Human Activity Pattern Survey, the average American spends 87 percent of their time indoors, plus another 6 percent of their life in cars. This means that Americans only spend 7 percent of their entire life outdoors—approximately one half of one day per week. If you are mobile, do not wait until you have some chronic condition (and have to rely on someone else) to take respite in nature’s many wonders. The common myth is that people experience more colds and viruses in winter months because it is cold outside; the reality is that staying inside will expose you to higher concentrations of airborne disease. Even moving for five minutes a day outside boosts your mood and health.56 You do not have to tend a garden to appreciate gardens, but there is an intimacy with the planet when you dig Earth’s soil. You appreciate each perennial having its turn with blossom time. I identify with the philosophy of Scottish American naturalist John Muir: “I only went out for a walk and finally concluded to stay out till sundown, for going out, I found, was really going in.” There is an inward simplicity to spending time in nature. There is gratefulness for food that comes from plants. Americans planted “victory gardens” during World War II as the nation faced uncertain food shortages. In 2020 many people created COVID gardens when they were sheltering in place for months. Garden centers became essential businesses! Writer and avid community gardener Ross Gay grew up in Pennsylvania in an apartment complex; he had never gardened until arriving in the Midwest to teach at Indiana University. He began his compassionate appreciation of fruits of the land in a community orchard. It was not just beauty, but also wildness that caught his attention. Gay recognized both/

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and complexities. In an essay he contemplated fleeting time and saw how belonging with others was the way to define joy: “we ought to know each other better … every person I get to know … lives with some profound personal sorrow. Brother addicted…. Dad died in surgery. Rejected by their family. Cancer came back. Evicted. Fetus not okay … is this sorrow … the great wilderness? …and if it is—and if we join them—your wild to mine … what if we joined our sorrows? What if that is joy?”57 Having compassion for others interweaves sorrow and joy. British theoretical physicist Stephen Hawking, a man who knew incredible personal sorrow in living his life with a disability, lived much longer with his genius mind intact than his doctors had predicted. In 1963 he was told that he had two years to live, yet he lived until 2018. Hawking came to this conclusion: “We are here together … we must become global citizens. Our only … borders [are] the way we see each other … let us fight for every woman and every man to have the opportunity to live healthy, secure lives, full of opportunity and love. We are all ­t ime-travelers, journeying together into the future. But let us work together to make that future a place we want to visit. Be brave, be determined, overcome the odds. It can be done.”58 Whatever odds you face, you can muster a ­g rowth-and-grit mindset like Hawking and embrace possibilities for making the future a place you want to visit. Let us be grateful for the mystery of being here. In this chapter we addressed advancing time in one’s lifeline and how important it is to be ­present-focused. In the final chapter we add stories of encore individuals who rewired and summarize our journey together.

Summary

Encore Chapter To tell one’s own story, a person needs others’ stories…. all [are] wounded storytellers…. Suffering does not magically disappear when the tale is told, but the more stories I heard the less space my own suffering seemed to take up. I felt less alone…. The wounded storyteller, ending silences, speaking truths, creating communities, becomes the wounded healer. —Frank W. Frank, medical sociologist, The Wounded Storyteller

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Last Dance Never be afraid to fall apart. It presents an opportunity to rebuild yourself the way you wish you had been all along. —Rae Smith, British theater designer Whatever you can do or dream you can begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it. —Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, German poet, novelist and playwright

Your true wealth consists of time, how positively you “spend” it, and your bodymind health. The years from age 55+ are a special time if you are privileged with the opportunity to live these years. Make time your dance partner! Retire when you wish, but also rewire: both your personality and your ability skill set to enjoy the current season of your life. You might volunteer in an organization that shares your values. Boomers are found to exhibit the highest volunteer rate of any group of people; the number one U.S. state for Boomer volunteerism is Utah, with a rate of 46.9 percent (most states rank between 25 and 35 percent),1 but volunteer goodness happens at every age. A London beyonder, ­86-year-old Hazell Jacobs, met her need for belonging by addressing the loneliness of COVID quarantines with writing a blog. Previously she had volunteered as a suicide hotline volunteer. Despite a slight stroke and vision challenges, Jacobs gathered her scarf collection and began a blog, Scarf Aid, with uplifting ­round-the-world scarf stories. She modeled recycling a scarf into a fancy pandemic face mask.2 Later, Jacobs dropped the scarves and rewired her blog. On my Retirement Survey, a ­62-year-old dedicated high school teacher expressed relief at her recent retirement, as she noticed how tired she had become the last few years in her demanding career. She sensed that she no longer could give her “all” to her students. She had dropped out of a community choir because she was falling asleep at choir practice. ­Post-career she rejoined and took a leadership role. She switched her opera and symphony tickets from evenings to afternoons. She began exercising 202



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every day and volunteering at a local food pantry. In my ­follow-up survey, this participant responded: “The pandemic was a good boundary for me…. I am more aware of what is around me and cherish my experiences … actually, my ‘adaptive behaviors’ felt thrilling—figuring out how to avoid infection and still be out and about.” When she emerges from this ­i n-between transitioning, what other new perspectives might she see beyond her career? Transition coaches Jeri Sedlar and Rick Miners make the case that one does not rewire in a vacuum.3 There are individual needs as well as mutual needs for consideration in transitioning. Recall the saying: “Once a teacher, always a teacher.” What rewired teaching voice exists for career teachers? Oprah advises, “Step out of the history that is holding you back. Step into the new story you are willing to create.” Please tolerate one last ageist joke: “I think more about running away now than I did as a kid. But by the time I put my teeth in, my glasses on, and find my keys, I forget why I’m going.” Do not time yourself out from an engaged life! Consider Thomas Moore’s sky’­s-the-limit possibilities: “At every moment, we are a star, an agent, and an emerging butterfly … to keep the ­u nfolding-self alive, you have to open yourself to change, every step of the way.”4 As the Australian Butterfly Sanctuary informs, ­sky-dancing butterflies can fly with half of their wings missing. However, seasoned citizens may give up on life when they lose some functioning. In Joanna Cannon’s novel, Three Things About Elsie, a nursing home resident bemoans: “I studied the pavement through the window. I wonder if I made any difference to the world at all.” Some encore adults bury their dreams until it is too late to enact them. Do not let that happen to you. Instead, bury seeds for possibilities. Is there some ­half-time activity you desire? Executive chairwoman of IBM Virginia Rometty, 62, reflected on life on the cusp of retiring: “I learned to always take on things I’d never done before. Growth and comfort do not coexist … [it is] true for people, companies, nations … always, no matter what it is, it is relentless reinvention.” People of every socioeconomic class experience transitioning times. In an interview with Alec Baldwin, Paul McCartney honored what would have been John Lennon’s 80th birthday on October 9, 2020. McCartney described a challenging transition when Lennon left the other three Beatles: “it was closing the factory … on the only life we knew.”5 It takes ­g rowth-and-grit to rewire when you lose work that you love. Countless possibilities exist, but Rometty is right; comfort is not guaranteed. Remind yourself to gather more consciousness of a core self with the discernment that stressed emotions are only part of your personality. All personality parts develop over time with gyrations of their story plots. What waltzing moves might you try next? What meaning do your current story plots have for you today?

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Rewire for Meaning Buddhist monk Gavin Harrison was born in South Africa to parents of English and Dutch descent. He became a CPA, but gave up his livelihood to become a monk after attending a meditation retreat. He realized that his passion meant more than his comfort. He understood that pay would come in things other than money. Harrison described meditation as a gift in dealing with the sexual and physical abuse he endured in his boarding school years: “When you feel the fear and you feel the rage in meditation, there’s no storyline … just the experience of the arising and passing away of the emotions and the sensations in the body and seeing how they relate to one another. And in that seeing, the abused person becomes less and less a victim … you realize that you have choices that weren’t available to you before. Having choices is a liberating experience.” Harrison could see beyond his past. He experienced ­post-traumatic growth.6 He rewired and created a meaningful legacy. Harrison’s rewiring of his personality and ability skill set was complicated by an AIDS diagnosis which brought incredible suffering with night sweats, an elevated temperature and pneumonia. He lived with AIDS for over 30 years before dying at age 68. When asked how AIDS affected his life, Harrison replied candidly: “I would never call the virus a blessing, but I have no doubt that if I lived to 90 years without this sickness, I probably would never know the depth of peace and contentment that I’m experiencing in my life now. I truly am happier than I’ve ever been.” Harrison spent his time contributing to his South African heritage. He discovered that ­co-experienced positive emotions are more important than solo positive emotions. He formed a belonging relationship with the indigenous Zulu community and became a fundraiser for Woza Moya, a group supporting AIDS orphans.7 Harrison awakened compassion for both himself and others despite dwindling health. Powerful possibilities exist when people unite for a common cause, as in the many acts of compassion in the COVID pandemic of sharing both collective sadness and resolve. French sociologist Émile Durkheim coined the term “collective effervescence” to describe a community coming together to share energetic communication and engagement in the same action: “A shared misfortune has the same effect as … a happy event. It enlivens collective feelings … not only do the kin most immediately affected bring their personal sorrow to the gathering, but the society exerts moral pressure on its members … feelings intensify when they are collectively affirmed. Like joy, sadness is heightened and amplified … every person is pulled along by every other.”8 While Durkheim saw communal efforts as embodying religious experience, there are many secular



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examples—serving meals to first responders during the pandemic, people cleaning up neighbors’ debris after hurricanes, and soccer/football fans cheering on their favorite team. Sociologist Brene Brown cites watching a YouTube video of 95,000 Australian fans of the Liverpool Football Club gathered in Melbourne and singing the club’s anthem, “You’ll Never Walk Alone.” As the fans waved red scarves and sang together with passion, Brown found herself ­t eary-eyed even though she was not physically part of the singing fans’ moment of contagious solidarity.9 Generating moments of collective electricity is a reminder of how good it feels to be a part of something larger than oneself. Brown suffered many rejections through her early schooling, often feeling intensely lonely. It took time for her to develop a ­g rowth-and-grit mindset. Brown began writing herself permission slips on ­Post-it notes to stop being so serious and fearful; she rewired to give herself permission to have fun! 10 Do you need ­Post-it note pep talks? Each seasoned citizen crafts their own version of retiring certain aspects of their former identity and rewiring for a more robust life. Encore time has possibilities in rewiring renewed energy into daily actions. Planning steps for moving ahead can satisfy your appetite for meaning. When he wrote his poem “A Servant to Servants,” Robert Frost offered grit: “the best way out is always through.” Jungian analyst James Hollis describes facing unsettling changes: “I am called to grow despite my preferences for ease, predictability, and control. Most of us … grow most out of our traumas, our disappointments, our defeats … toward the life that wants to live through us, rather than the one we planned.” 11 My Johnston Retirement Survey results showed that retiring well is through rewiring one’s personality and ability skillset.  We may rewire at every developmental stage, but we are not conscious of our constant tinkering. People may assume that in beyonder years they are finished with “­who-am-I” development. Do not believe this! Encore development has possibilities for continued personality growth. In fact, ­p ost-traumatic events that challenged you earlier in your life can act as fertilizer for “gerotranscendence” (positive changes related to aging). 12 Ecumenical teacher Richard Rohr explains the first half of life “[as] no more than the starting gate” with a preoccupation for oneself. Rohr’s perspective adds that the second half of life is not a chronological age! Some youth may be there already, especially if they have learned from early suffering, while seasoned citizens can be oblivious to growth possibilities. Rohr urges individuals to make good use of “fallings” or missteps: “[we change through] falling off of the very wagon that we constructed.” 13 We may not grasp life lessons until we fall apart, either figuratively or literally.

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John O’Donohue urged people to embrace aging: “You stand on the shore of new invitation … to open your life to what is left undone … have the courage for a new approach to time … live the dreams you’ve waited for … for the person who lives time consciously there is a continuous undertow of possibility always at work.”14 Gather possibilities today.

Rewire ­Warm-Up Compared with what we ought to be, we are only half awake. Our fires are damped, our drafts are checked. We are making use of only a small part of our possible mental and physical resources. —William James, psychologist, The Energies of Men

Listen to both your internal thoughts and others’ thoughts in cultivating consciousness. When you acknowledge that each person has a core self that resonates with others, you become conscious of interdependence. You might write (or audio record) your life wisdom as an “ethical will,” a legacy of your frequent emotions, beliefs, life lessons, and passions you have gathered across decades. A legal will records your wishes around material valuables; an ethical will leaves a legacy of your values for following generations. Hospice medical director Barry Baines found that 77 percent of his patients reported that their emotional ­well-being improved and 88 percent believed their physical ­w ell-being improved after completing an ethical will. Participants reported having more life purpose. There is no expense except time, as you do not need a lawyer. 1 .  You can create an ethical will with these prompts, or make up your own prompts: •  As I grow older I continue to value… •  What I value most is… •  What I did in my life to stand up for my values and beliefs is… •  I found that these mistakes were the springboard of future success… •  One person can make a difference … and here is an example… •  I apologize for the times I… •  Forgive me if I have hurt you in any way…

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1 .  Choose one of your ancestors who is a role model for you. Jot down why this person is important to you. If you were named after an ancestor, record any stories about this individual. What was their life like? Name their values. What did they regret? 2 .  Write summary statements. Here is my example for my children: Along with health, time is our precious wealth; how we use it matters. Know that my love ­t ime-travels with you. Baines found some encore adults enjoyed writing ethical wills in a group. Others compiled their ethical will over time, collecting ideas in a journal over a period of weeks, months, or even years.15 Our life plots are a time capsule bonding one generation to the next. Ojibwe environmentalist Winona LaDuke understands interdependence: “What we have is because someone stood up before us. What our Seventh Generation will have will be a consequence of our actions today.”

Scholars of Meaning As encore adults we seek meaning. Ralph Waldo Emerson, philosopher and poet, wrote in his diary: “My garden is my dictionary.” An avid scholar of nature’s meaning, he took many examples of his philosophy from observing nature. Emerson’s famous lecture, “The American Scholar,” was delivered at Harvard in 1837. Transitioning from teacher to minister to public speaker, Emerson’s lecture to several hundred of Boston’s (and the country’s) elite was not appreciated by many; in fact, after a second address at Harvard Divinity School a year later, it was 27 years before he was invited back! Emerson was not the first choice of speakers, although he had Harvard history along with his father and three brothers. This lecture (dubbed “America’s intellectual Declaration of Independence” by Oliver Wendell Holmes) was filled with passion and idealism when ­3 4-year-old Emerson experienced a season of ­self-doubt.16 We tend to hold up famous people’s lives as ­t rouble-free, but they need rewiring just like the rest of us. Emerson was transitioning in that muddling ­i n-between state when one leaves an aspect of life and is unsure of where to travel next. Transitioning is ­g rowth-and-grit territory. Emerson cultivated his ­g rowth-and-grit mindset early in life. His life tumbled from one grief to the next. His father died of stomach cancer shortly before Emerson’s eighth birthday. Three of his siblings died in childhood.

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When family poverty threatened to curb his education, ­14-year-old Emerson was admitted to Harvard. His father had been a distinguished minister and colleague of Harvard’s president. Young Emerson served as freshman messenger to the president and worked other jobs throughout college. While his grades put him in the middle of his class of ­fi fty-nine students, as a junior he listed the books he read in a journal titled “Wide World.” He taught at the School for Young Ladies, a school run by his brother, William, and held in his mother’s home, before attending Harvard Divinity School and becoming a minister. His first season of marriage lasted 17 months with his beloved Ellen, who died at 20 of tuberculosis; two adult brothers suffered this fate also. In a second marriage, his ­five-year-old son, Waldo, died. Emerson advised, “You cannot do a kindness too soon, for you never know how soon it will be too late.” Though Emerson lived to age 78, his later years were afflicted with aphasia. He lost his memory of his name. However, when asked how he felt, he had a gritty reply: “Quite well; I have lost my mental faculties but am perfectly well.”17 Emerson embraced possibilities even when his limitations seemed overwhelming. Emerson believed that character held a higher value than intellect. His collection of calamities became his teachers: “one who takes action … [finds] drudgery, calamity, exasperation, want, are instructors in eloquence and wisdom … experience is converted into thought, as a mulberry leaf is converted into satin. The manufacture goes forward at all hours.” Emerson’s 1800s wisdom still speaks to current generations: “The literature of the poor, the feelings of the child, the philosophy of the street, the meaning of household life, are the topics of the time … the scholar is the [wo]man who must take up into himself [or herself] all the ability of the time, all the contributions of the past, all the hopes of the future.” One thorny issue that Emerson tackled was racism, still a societal thorn. In a Smithsonian lecture Emerson stated: “Emancipation is the demand of civilization.” 18 Emerson was a scholar of compassion and interdependence. We cannot escape personal wounding or chaotic aspects of society. We need a ­g rowth-and-grit mindset and collective wisdom to enact creative ­problem-solving. Wisdom was important to Emerson—and not just the wisdom of the educated. Hungarian American psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi grasped wisdom: “We can measure IQ … and can calculate a person’s net worth down to the last dollar, indicators we take very seriously. But when it comes to the much more meaningful issue of whether a person’s life increases harmony or chaos, we become very tentative and ­tongue-tied.”19 We might heed the perspective of astrophysicist Carl Sagan: “Every one of us is, in the cosmic perspective, precious. If a



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human disagrees with you, let him live. In a hundred billion galaxies, you will not find another.” Sagan was a scholar of meaning on a large scale. He reminded us that planet Earth has a tiny stage in the grand cosmos. His words capture both missteps and hopes for our planet: “On it … every human being who ever was, lived out their lives. The aggregate of our joy and suffering, thousands of confident religions, ideologies, and economic doctrines … every hero and coward, every creator and destroyer of civilization, every king and peasant, every young couple in love … every teacher of morals, every corrupt politician, every superstar … in the history of our species lived there—on a mote of dust suspended in a sunbeam…. To me, it underscores our responsibility to deal more kindly with one another and to preserve and cherish the pale blue dot, the only home we’ve ever known.”20 While we may sense the importance of tending and befriending our planetary sisters and brothers, we also need to tend and befriend our planet. ­One-third of my Retirement Survey participants checked “planet” as one concern where they could share their gifts in retirement.

Mindset Possibilities In one study of encore adults, the more participants believed that their abilities were changeable, the more they focused on plans for continuing ­h ealth-related actions. And the greater their intentions, the younger the seasoned citizens viewed their subjective age!21 Reverend Clarence H. Wilson of the Flatbush Congregational Church said, “How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you were?” Narratives you adopt for your life are critical. Every person’s story at one time or another has operated out of a fixed mindset. In retirement it may seem easier to kick back and not “upset the apple cart.” However, Supreme Court Justice Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr., cautioned, “Too many people die with their music still in them.” Your encore years are an exploration time. What untapped talent is waiting for your discovery? I like this statement by my community park district, advocating for gardening time: “When your hands are dirty, your mind is clear. Get back to your roots and get growing.” You do not have to love gardening, where you get dirt under your fingernails, but to endorse a growth mindset it does take grit (passion and persistence) under the fingernails. Growth mindset researcher Carol Dweck noted, “The hand you are dealt is just the starting point for development.” She advocates asking yourself questions. Write them down and tape them to a mirror. When you face a new day, make plans:

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Summary—Encore Chapter •  What can I learn today? For myself? For the people around me? •  When will I act on my new plan? •  How can I continue my growth?22

Your answers may surprise you. A ­g rowth-and-grit mindset is fertilizer for rewiring your personality and ability skill set. There are possibilities to develop beyond those you practiced and were proficient in earlier. A Chinese proverb comes to mind: “The two best times to plant a tree are 20 years ago and tomorrow.” Environmentalist Joanna Macy taught that hope is a verb: “Hope is not something you have, it’s something you do.” The show tune “Tomorrow” (by composers Martin Charnin and Charles Strouse) captures hope for planting possibilities: “Til tomorrow…/ You’re only / A day / Away!” A danger in aging is that one may see memories as mere shackles instead of reseeding possibilities. Do not believe that your memories define your entire identity. Who can you be today? Consider how it is positive to be young and receive the label of an “old soul.” Originating from a 1708 English nursery rhyme, “Ole King Cole was a merry ‘auld’ soul,” an old soul today conveys that a person has wisdom beyond their years and is more enlightened than others their age. As an encore adult, are you a merry old soul? I do not know if Polish mathematician and astronomer Nicolaus Copernicus was merry, but he was a wise soul, speaking five languages and acquiring a large library on astronomy. He died at age 70 just as he published his life’s work, On the Revolutions of the Heavenly Spheres. Copernicus created a revolution that upended both science and religion by theorizing that the Sun was at the center of the universe rather than Earth. Greek mathematician and astronomer Aristarchus of Samos had hypothesized the same conclusion 2,000 years earlier, but his wisdom was soundly rejected.23 It takes time for ­big-picture ideas to take root. You do not have to study astronomy to have ­big-picture wisdom for your daily possibilities. Look inward. You may delight yourself with discovering latent talents. Perhaps you write some lyrics for a song. Music moves us deeply. Many songs seem timeless. Paul McCartney wrote “Let It Be” in 1969, but the words capture many eras. Diana Ross sang “If We Hold on Together” (words and music by James Horner and Will Jennings) during the ending credits of the 1988 movie The Land Before Time. This ­holding-on-together notion is needed in today’s pandemic era. British evolutionary biologist Nichola Raihani summarizes our current situation: “We may like to think of ourselves as autonomous, ­self-sufficient creatures, but ­large-scale crises emphasize that we are fundamentally interdependent. A crisis also offers an opportunity: a moment to pause … to consider alternative realities.”24 It is time to hold on together.



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Wisdom Time Cognitive psychologist Alan Castel’s definition of wisdom recognizes mistakes. Wisdom is creative, as it looks at any mistakes you and others made and draws conclusions about why anyone would behave in that manner.25 Your lived history has afforded you much crystallized intelligence about human behavior. Some individuals are forced to learn more about the range of human behaviors than they could have imagined. French lawyer and politician Simone Veil survived the Auschwitz ­I I-Birkenau concentration camp. She lied about her age to avoid immediate death, but she did not escape hard labor. Her parents and a brother did not survive. Veil availed herself of many possibilities after liberation. She went to law school and became the first female president of the European Parliament, unshaken by sexist insults hurled her way, and lived to 89.26 Veil’s ­g rowth-and-grit wisdom rose above monumental Nazi mistakes. Another ­g rowth-and-grit gal is British primatologist and activist Jane Goodall, who was interviewed at 86 by Krista Tippett (On Being). In childhood Goodall spent most of her time outside, learning from nature. At age four and a half she waited four hours in a henhouse to watch a chicken lay an egg. When Tippett asked about continued learning, Goodall asserted, “the fact that we developed this way of [verbal] communicating…. I can tell you things you don’t know. You can tell me things I don’t know. We can teach children about things that aren’t present … [it] enabled us to ask questions, like, ‘Who am I? Why am I here?’” Goodall’s revelations of chimpanzee intelligence in Tanzania in the 1960s startled many; human beings are not the only creatures who communicate and make tools! She discovered that human ­nonverbal-gesturing communication is “virtually the same as chimpanzees.” Bypassing an undergraduate degree, Goodall received a graduate degree at Oxford. She was criticized there by scientists who believed that chimps were incapable of having a personality or emotions. She could see beyond the narrow definitions of fixed mindsets. Goodall transitioned from studying chimpanzees to becoming an ­a nimal-rights activist. Caging, deadly scientific research on chimps, and deforestation have caused dwindling numbers of the species prior to her ecosystem activism. Goodall’s legacy Roots & Shoots youth movement, beginning with twelve teenagers gathered on her back porch in Tanzania, now has programming in 100 countries.27 Young participants create conservation change as tender befrienders in their communities.28 The Dalai Lama is inclusive: “The topic of compassion is not at all religious business; it is important to know it is human business, it is a question of human survival.” Compassionate interdependence needs more dance partners for survival of the planet.

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Composer and music theorist John Cage danced through life, choreographing a path that was not always well received (or capable of supporting him financially). He dropped out of college after he discovered that his classmates were in the library reading copies of the same book. He went to the stacks, selected the first book by an author whose last name began with Z, and received the highest grade in the class on that assignment. Armed with ­g rowth-and-grit fingernails, he was a pioneer of indeterminacy music (music performed in different ways) and the “prepared piano” (making sound changes through placement of objects on piano strings and hammers). Cage’s career transitioned from dance accompanist at UCLA to Wesleyan University, where he taught experimental music.29 His philosophy exudes grit: “I can’t understand why people are frightened of new ideas. I’m frightened of the old ones.” The first woman to win the Pulitzer Prize for Literature, Edith Wharton published 44 books (only four appeared before she was 40). Born during the Civil War into a wealthy New York family, Wharton experienced both privilege and oppression in childhood. Her paternal relatives, the Jones family, became wealthy through real estate—the saying “keeping up with the Joneses” referred to her relatives. Her mother was largely unavailable and critical; one of her rules forbade reading novels until marriage, but Edith began making up stories at age four. She walked around with open books, often held upside down, improvising as she turned pages. While the family visited Europe extensively, young Edith became fluent in French, German, and Italian. At age nine she developed typhoid fever in Germany and almost died. Her education was provided by tutors and governesses, but Wharton met her need for discipline by regularly reading in her father’s library or those of his prominent friends to satisfy her thirsty mind. At age 15 she secretly wrote a novella, Fast and Loose. Her father privately published her poetry until she began publishing her poems anonymously in the Atlantic Monthly.30 Writing was therapeutic for the passionate and persistent (gritty) adolescent. Wharton’s writing ranged from poetry to short stories, nonfiction and, significantly, 25 novels. Various versions of her mother appeared in her fiction. Wharton claimed that all writing is autobiographical. She viewed writing as her “secret garden,” although she also enjoyed outdoor gardens. Her ­g rowth-and-grit mindset is captured in a journal entry: “Life is always a tightrope or a feather bed. Give me the tightrope.” Her examination of her past helped enlarge her perspective on life plots. In her Pulitzer Prize–winning book, The Age of Innocence, Wharton posed, “We can’t behave like people in novels, though, can we?” While Wharton sought her mother’s approval without success, she credited a childhood nurse as providing the warm cocoon she craved.31 Her mother’s criticism lingered.



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Wharton’s critical personality part appeared in her article, “Confessions of a Novelist”: “Every artist works, like the Gobelins weavers [of French tapestry], on the wrong side of the tapestry, and if now and then [s]he comes around to the right side, and catches what seems a happy glow of color … [s]he must instantly retreat again … so few writers seem to have watched themselves while they wrote … the deeper processes of their art do not greatly interest them … [my writing] takes place in some secret region on the sheer edge of consciousness, [but] is yet always illuminated by the clear light of my critical attention.”32 Wharton’s weaving analogy is reminiscent of Joan Erikson’s view of life missteps as the underside of a weaving. 33 Everyone has underside stories to probe for meaning.

Rewire Time Now is the time to make sense of any underside legacy burdens in your life. Give your vulnerable personality parts acceptance for their overarching protection. Forgive yourself. Forgive others. Breathe into a core self of calmness, connection, compassion, creativity, clarity, curiosity, confidence, courage with consciousness. Whether you work for justice like Veil, give back to your homeland like Harrison, save animals from extinction like Goodall, pioneer new music like Cage, or cope with conflicts through writing like Wharton, I hope you include rewiring through reading as one possibility in your encore years. Reading and writing are two of my mainstays in my own rewiring, but there are many possibilities for exercising a ­g rowth-and-grit mindset. It is easy to ­second-guess yourself, questioning whether you desire any change in your life. Skepticism is just one personality part wanting to protect you from taking risks. Change takes rewiring. Hollis outlines change: “Please try not to view your life through the caboose window of this rapidly moving train. You need to walk forward, enter the engine room, look out the window, and steer the thing ahead. The past is past and is trailing behind us. The future, with new friends, relationships, and challenges, is rushing toward you, asking that you be ready for it.”34 Some endorse the limited retirement possibilities posed by French philosopher Simone de Beauvoir: “Retirement may be looked upon either as a prolonged holiday or as a rejection, a being thrown onto the ­scrap-heap.” Either one of these ­fi xed-mindset possibilities may not fuel your dreams. What are your dream possibilities for the rest of your life? Here are some (pre–COVID) responses from my Retirement Survey:

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Summary—Encore Chapter 55, female (working 40 hours/week): “Fulfilling time to give back; enjoy my passions and interests fully.” 59, female (semiretired 3 years): “A continuation of my commitment to love, learn, have gratitude, grow and explore the world around me, following my curiosity, and living the values I hold dear.” 63, female (retiring soon): “I hope to have a partner or spouse to travel with for the rest of my life, health permitting.” 67, male (retired 5 years): “Start a small company.” 69, male (semiretired 5 years; volunteers 10 hours/week): “Carving out a new chapter in one’s life is fantastic … [to] travel, learn, adventure, survive, help.” 70, male (retired 6 years; volunteers 8 hours/week): “Keep active … time to pursue what I find meaningful (social action, charity work, fitness, golf, love life, family time).” 70, female (retired 16 years; volunteers 10 hours/week): “I have completed all of the goals that I initially set up at the beginning of retirement (writing down family history, completing a child’s family history book, writing my grandmother’s memoirs, working on my art) and am now creating new goals…. The quiet allows for introspection … retirement is a privilege.” 71, male (retired 5 years): “Learn new topics or even a language.” 73, male (retired 6 years; volunteers 20 hours/week): “Watch my grandchildren grow and thrive. To do what I can to make the world a better place.” 74, female (retired 17 years): “I hope someday to live close to my children and grandkids. I’d like to do more to advocate for climate action.” 78, male (retired 22 years; volunteers 2 hours/week): “I’m not a dreamer … [I’m] focused on today.” 78, female (retired 8 years; volunteers 1 hour/week): “Increase my volunteerism.” 81, female (retired 16 years; volunteers 4 hours/week): “Live independently as long as possible and contribute in many ways to our church, our family, community and the world.” 82, female (retired 8 years; volunteers 11 hours/week): “Return to taking art classes, find an affordable living situation for the next 10 years, [have] independent living as long as possible.” 82, male (retired 11 years): “Political activity and my art which I sell at summer juried art shows.”

Embrace your aging as a time for growth. Welcome a ­g rowth-and-grit mindset as a present to yourself! You cannot know if delight will



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accompany your choices. Just know that change is a ­brain-tickler, as wrinkly brains crave new ideas. Venture out of your comfort zone and new brain synapses can occur. Singer Shaina Taub’s song, “Room,” reminds us of ongoing possibilities: “There’s a house in my head under permanent construction. I’m the lone architect of an imaginary house.” When you contemplate possibilities, you are transitioning and unsure of what construction might happen next. Growth often feels uncertain. British American Jungian analyst Helen Luke characterized aging growth: “wisdom … speaks to us in the phrase, ‘[one] is growing old’ … growing into old age, into the final flowering and meaning … [instead of] being dragged into it, protesting, resisting, crying out against their inevitable imprisonment.” Grin and gather grit (passion plus persistence). Growth possibilities do not require arduous effort all day. How might you dispense your wisdom but also have fun? British writer Alan Watts considered ancient Hindu thinking: “[Hindus] … look upon the whole manifestation of all the universes as a play, as a sport, as a kind of dance.” Dance is both playful and great for your bodymind. Dancing improves your neuroplasticity, boosts your memory (especially muscle memory), and enhances balance.35 The ancient Hawaiians expressed bodymind wisdom in rhythmic mele oli (chanting or singing), prior to having written language. Mela hula dances share traditions through both voice and movement.36 Try hula dancing! In a longitudinal study of beyonders, dancing was a ­leisure-time activity that associated with a reduced risk of dementia. 37 Did you just stop reading and jump to your feet? How might you move and laugh more? Helen Luke explained beyonder laughing: “laughter of a certain kind springs from the heart of those who have truly grown old. It is the laughter of pure delight in beauty—beauty of which the golden butterfly is the perfect symbol—a fleeting, ephemeral thing … [with] fragile yet omnipotent beauty of the present moment.”38 Be conscious of your personality or “psyche” to find delight in present moments. •  “Psyche” (from Greek) means soul, personality, mind, or “butterfly” (the imagined soul).

Possibility Time You’re under no obligation to be who people think you are. Change, grow, rearrange yourself. Free and beautiful things always bloom and spark with no holding back. —Charlotte Eriksson, Swedish writer, Everything Changed When I Forgave Myself

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Psychologist Ellen Langer captures the essence of change: “when we acknowledge that things change … possibility presents itself.”39 Change is easy to suggest, but the legacy of cultural myths or archetypes hangs in the back of everyone’s closet. Literature professor Joseph Campbell was influenced by Jung’s writings on archetypal myths. Jung borrowed the theory of universal mythologies from the early times of Cicero, Pliny, and Augustine, suggesting that archetypes underlie all our life stories: “archetypes appear … at the same time [as] both images and emotions…. When there is merely the image, then there is simply a ­word-picture of little consequence. But by being charged with emotion … consequences … f low from it.”40 Carrying myths forward, Campbell focused on both the image and the emotional energy of archetypal hero journeys. I believe his focus on mythical heroes finds roots in the family story of his father, Charles. At age six, Charles Campbell fell into a pond with thin ice and was saved by his dog who became the family hero.41 Where are heroes or heroines in your family? How are you heroic? Many narrative and movie themes feature hero archetypes— The Lion King, Harry Potter, Star Wars, The Matrix, ­Spider-Man, and Lord of the Rings. Heroine themes are prominent in The Iron Lady, Silkwood, Frozen, The Color Purple, Hidden Figures, and Wonder Woman. You do not have to be a screenwriter for anyone except yourself! However, writing a ­t hree-act version of a hero’s/heroine’s journey might appeal to you. Writing is a tutorial in ­g rowth-and-grit. However, in this final exercise you do not have to write complete sentences—use bullet points. Another possibility is to draw or sketch responses on a timeline. Some individuals answer questions such as the ones posed here to produce an audio version of their legacy story for Story Corps, a nonprofit organization that records individuals’ stories for future listeners. 1 .  Where in your lifetime did you confront obstacles and/or trials? 2 .  When did you experience heroic moments? 3 .  Does your life story follow three acts? I .  Departure (leading to rising action) of adventure(s); II .  Initiation (involving struggles and climax); and III .  Return (overcoming obstacles or falling action), having mastered something.42 4 .  How might your retirement years rewire any cultural or legacy burdens that held you back?

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Campbell asked: “what is the most meaningful thing to you, your raison d’etre … ally yourself with that.”43 His mantra, “Follow your bliss,” was developed after he studied the Sanskrit Upanishads: “If you follow your bliss, you put yourself on a kind of track that has been there all the while, waiting for you.”44 His student, family therapist Maureen Murdock, moved beyond Campbell to define the heroine journey and incorporate an interdependent “we” voice. Furthermore, Murdock asked what happens when women have followed male success rules and later ask themselves, “What have I lost?”45 You will determine the meaning of your own past plots.

Meaning Mindsets An important motivation for the encore years is to review one’s ­l ife-meaning. Some find psychotherapy helpful in exploring ­l ife-meaning. Psychologist Francine Shapiro viewed most of her clients as seeking therapy because they had a mystery to solve.46 Your expectations for psychotherapy results make a huge difference in the outcome. Hollis highlights how therapy helps an individual become more conscious: “[to] find one’s story more interesting … amid a deeply coursing drama, filled with ­l ife-defining choices presented on a daily basis.”47 Viktor Frankl joked about Freud’s “depth psychology” of delving into the unconscious and one’s past; instead, Frankl wryly suggested that he practiced “height psychology!” I call his “height psychology” rewiring, as Frankl focused on consciousness for an individual’s possibilities. Frankl made possibility observations in a series of lectures delivered in Vienna eleven months after his concentration camp liberation: •  Take actions—create a work, whether in artistic form or a labor of love—for something to outlast oneself and have ongoing influence [as a legacy]. •  Appreciate nature and works of art, including loving people. •  Adapt to the suffering that rises from unavoidable limits placed on one’s life possibilities.48 This is ­g rowth-and-grit territory. How do you put your meaning of life into words? When asked to state his meaning of life in one sentence, Frankl responded in a way which reflects our belongingness to one another: “The meaning of your life is to help others find the meaning of theirs.”49 This is one of my meanings also. It requires being conscious of the unique personality ­story-house of each person I encounter: to look, listen and be compassionate. I like French

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theologian ­Jean-Baptiste Henri Lacordaire’s poetic version of belonging: “We are the leaves of one branch, the drops of one sea, the flowers of one garden.” Individuals may find belongingness in other people, nature, spirituality and/or religion. Minister Galen Guengerich has a ­user-friendly definition of a spiritual path—being open to how interdependent we are as people. When conscious of interdependence, one’s response is gratitude. Gratitude lends itself to possibilities. However, Guengerich suggests that autonomy of the individual, rather than interdependence, is the most important value for some people. Guengerich argues that this stance has led to a loss of moral capital in the U.S. He views “worshiping the idol of personal freedom” as defining freedom in a ­self-serving manner that can lead to a loss of meaning in life.50 I believe finding meaning in life involves both ­self-passion and compassion for others. The global pandemic cast many of us, like upended sailors into the ocean, into an awakening of interdependence and the preciousness of life. I am curious when people asked me about the “new normal” in COVID times. There was no “normal” prior to the pandemic. We had possibilities for our actions ­pre-pandemic, and we have possibilities today. However, I believe that if there is a newer normal, it is a cascading of more possibilities than we had conscious awareness of prior to 2020. It takes passion and persistence (grit) to participate in meaningful change. The Broadway musical Rent made a big impression in my household. I did not understand at the time (in 1999) how poignantly the song “Seasons of Love” would forever create a catch in my throat. Songs deliver stories of grit. Songwriter Jonathan Larson died the night before the preview opening. The song, intended for the ending of Rent as a tribute at the funeral of the main character, Angel, was inserted by the cast at the beginning to acknowledge Larson’s death. My husband found “Seasons of Love” gripping and purchased a “timeless” clock for me for our 30th wedding anniversary. Just a few months later he died from a sudden heart attack. All of us maneuver story plots until we no longer have time to carry them out.

Time Waits for No (Wo)Man Now is possibility time. John O’Donohue’s timeless words have power: “Sometimes in very old bodies there are incredibly young, wild souls looking out at you … there is a place in the soul that time cannot touch … new possibilities can come alive for you.”51 When we relate from an internal core with both ­s elf-compassion for our wounding and compassion for wounded others, we open to possibilities. We grasp the



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advice of theologian Rebecca Parker: “None of us alone can save the world. Together—that is another possibility, waiting.” Final years of your life have possibilities! Embrace actions that have purpose and meaning for you. I end this book the way I began, echoing my first question to you: what is your story about your retire/rewire years? Hopefully, you are both becoming more conscious of your own personality ­s tory-house with ­s elf-meaning and have greater appreciation for others’ stories and ­self-meanings. Rewrite (rewire) any story plots you tell yourself that are only ­one-sided. Carl Sagan was right when he said that writing brings people together, even those who never knew one another. Whether books can break the shackles of time is up to each reader. Music connections often break through time dimensions: “music is the art most sacredly capable of helping us get in touch with the deepest passions and compassion, and deepest understanding of ourselves,” according to Ethan Hawke, actor/ writer/musician/director. Music has a neurological and psychological impact upon every age. Your encore years are your last dance. Last dance songs are the ones that end wedding receptions on a high note. The grandparent set often misses this ritual of joy as they go to bed earlier. For a majority of young wedding guests, the last dance is their final chance to shake it up on the dance floor, giving newlyweds a joyful ­send-off. It is time to turn your life into a celebration. Include joy and music daily! Humming counts! In addition to greeting each new day with music, one of my daily ways to celebrate life is to nurture plants. The sensual beauty of blooming plants is uplifting and joyful. I laughed when I repotted one of my phalaenopsis orchids while writing this chapter and found the plastic plant ID hiding under encircling roots; “Happy Dancer!” is the orchid’s name! I love when synchronicities sprout to create tiny celebrations of connection. Find connections in your ­last-dance years. “Edelweiss” was the last song written jointly by Richard Rodgers and Oscar Hammerstein II, as Hammerstein suffered from stomach cancer and died nine months after The Sound of Music opened.52 The soaring song appeared at the end of the Broadway production and was written for the male lead, Captain Georg von Trapp. The edelweiss is the national flower of Austria and traditionally symbolizes deep love and devotion; men gathered the flower growing along treacherous (and sometimes fatal) climbs to give to their brides. Soldiers also risked hunting the ­cold-hardy flower and wore it on their hats. The simple beauty of this ­star-shaped flower growing in rocky terrain matches the simple beauty of the soulful music. You do not have to hunt for elusive edelweiss blossoms, but you might risk trying something new. Embrace your possibilities. What legacy story will you tell?

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I have been a ­hunter-gatherer my entire life. In these pages you encounter some of my gathered research as well as life stories I hunted for their blooms of wisdom. All of us wish for joyful endings, but ­fairy-tale endings are rare, and blooms do not last. This book will nudge you to make timely plans. In composer and conductor Leonard Bernstein’s finale for the Broadway operetta Candide, he urged planning or possibility pollination with his wise song, “Make Our Garden Grow.” What story plots will you cultivate today to make your life bloom? The legacy stories of what we do with our time leave messages for following generations; our legacies may be a burden or blessing for others. Grow your personality and ability skill set to make yourself as healthy in your bodymind as possible, as wealthy in your belonging relationships as possible, and as wise in your meaning of life as possible. Twirl joy into your legacy stories! Retire in your own way, but also rewire.

Appendix I

Johnston Retirement Survey If you are age 55+ and would enjoy helping me with my next public talk (and eventual book), please give me some feedback! You can remain anonymous or give your name, your choice. Many thanks in advance, Jan Johnston Your current age _____ Gender _____ You retired at age _____ or plan to retire at age _____ or you semiretired at age _____ or you do not plan to retire _____ Hours a week you work currently _____ Hours a week you volunteer currently _____ 1 .  What does retirement mean to you? 2 .  If you have retired or are semiretired, how does your meaning differ from what you expected retirement would be like? 3 .  If you have retired, where do you feel stuck or burdened by retirement? 4 .  What are the blessings of retirement? If this is a future goal, what do you envision? 5 .  List your beliefs about retirement. 6 .  What are your dream possibilities for the rest of your life? 7 .  Who might you share the gift of retirement with this year? Check as many as you like! 8 .  Partner ___ Children ___ Grandchildren ___ Greater family ___ Friends ___ Pet ___ 9 .  Less fortunate __ Myself __ Community ___ Country __ Planet ___ 10 .  What additional comments would you like to make about the topic of retirement? Optional: Name ____________________ Email _______________________ 221

Appendix II

Johnston Pandemic Survey Thank you for your responses on my initial Retirement Survey to inform the book I am writing on the topic of retirement. Thank you especially for giving me your email address to ­follow-up! I never imagined a pandemic could be a reason for reconnecting with you. All of us have experienced certain changes with the arrival of ­C OVID-19. I am interested in the ways in which the pandemic may have affected your retirement plans. Many thanks in advance, Jan Johnston Your current age _____ Gender _____ You retired at age_____ or plan to retire at age _____ or you semiretired at age _____ or you do not plan to retire _____ Hours a week you work currently _____ Hours a week you volunteer currently _____ 1 .  How has the pandemic affected your retirement and your personal identity? 2 .  How have you spent your time during the pandemic? 3 .  Is there something you wanted to do during the pandemic but did not do? 4 .  What lessons did you learn from the pandemic? 5 .  What unexpected gifts came from the pandemic? 6 .  What are your dream possibilities for the rest of your life? Additional comments? Optional: Name_____________________ Email ______________________ Thanks again! 222

Chapter Notes Preface

Child to Raise a Parent: Stories of Evolving Child and Parent Development (Lanham, MD: Rowman & Littlefield, 2013), 5. 11.  “Generations,” accessed June 28, 2020. ht t ps://w w w.pew resea rch.org / fact-tank/2020/04/28/­m illennials-over take-baby-boomers-as-americas-largestgeneration/. 12.  Alan D. Castel, Better with Age: The Psychology of Successful Aging (New York: Oxford University Press, 2019), 4. 13.  Phyllis Moen, Encore Adulthood: Boomers on the Edge of Risk, Renewal, & Purpose (New York: Oxford University Press, 2016). 14.  Michael Merzenich, ­S oft-Wired: How the New Science of Brain Plasticity Can Change Your Life (San Francisco: Parnassus, 2013), 95–96. 15.  “Electricity,” accessed September 22, 2019. https://www.fi.edu/­h istoryresources/­edisons-lightbulb. 16.  Jeri Sedlar and Rick Miners, Don’t Retire, Rewire! 5 Steps to Fulfilling Work that Fuels Your Passion, Suits Your Personality, Fills Your Pocket. 3rd ed. (New York: Alpha, 2018), xiv. 17.  Ashton Applewhite, This Chair Rocks: A Manifesto Against Ageism. (Networked Books, 2016), 11. 18.  Christiane Northrup, Goddesses Never Age: The Secret Prescription for Radiance, Vitality and ­Well-Being (Carlsbad, CA: Hay House, 2015). 19.  “The New Social Contract: A Blueprint for Retirement in the 21st Century,” accessed January 20, 2020. https:// www.aegon.com/contentassets/6724d00 8b6e14fa1a4cedb41811f748a/­r etirementreadiness-survey-2018.pdf. 20.  Brendon Burchard, Life’s Golden

1.  Laura L. Carstensen, A Long Bright Future: An Action Plan for a Lifetime of Happiness, Health, and Financial Security (New York: Broadway, 2009).

Introduction 1.  Susan McConnell, Somatic Internal Family Systems Therapy: Awareness, Breath, Resonance, Movement, and Touch in Practice (Berkeley, CA: North Atlantic, 2020), 14. 2.  Richard C. Schwartz, Internal Family Systems (New York: Guilford, 1995), 138–140. 3.  Christopher Booker, The Seven Basic Plots: Why We Tell Stories (London: Continuum, 2004). 4.  Ronald B. Tobias, 20 Master Plots: And How to Build Them (Blue Ash, OH: Writer’s Digest, 1993). 5. “C OV I D e a r l y re t i re me nt s ,” accessed August 20, 2020. https://www. economicpolicyresearch.org/­jobs-report/­ over-half-of-older-workers-unemployedat-risk-of-involuntary-retirement. 6.  “Redefining retirement,” accessed Ju ne 29, 2020. ht t ps://contex ts.org / articles/­redefining-retirement/. 7.  “MIDUS: Midlife in the United States,” accessed November 11, 2019. http:// www.midus.wisc.edu/. 8.  “Retirement,” accessed June 29, 2020. https://www.ssa.gov/history/age65.html. 9.  “Crystalized Intelligence,” accessed November 25, 2019. https://w w w.very wel l m i nd .com /­f lu id-i ntel l igence-vscrystallized-intelligence-2795004. 10.  Janis Clark Johnston, It Takes a

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Ticket: A Story About Second Chances (New York: HarperOne, 2016), 201. 21.  Barbara Strauch, The Secret Life of the ­G rown-up Brain: The Surprising Talents of the ­Middle-Aged Mind (New York: Viking, 2010), 92–94. 22.  “Growing old,” accessed November 15, 2019. https://www.pewsocialtrends. org/2009/06/29/­g rowing-old-in-americaexpectations-vs-reality/. 23.  Erik Erikson, Childhood and Society, 2nd ed. (New York: Norton, 1963). 2 4.  Joan Anderson, A Walk on the Beach: Tales of Wisdom from an Unconventional Woman (New York: Broadway, 2004), 103–104. 25.  Joan M. Erikson, The Life Cycle Completed: Extended Version (New York: Norton, 1997), 106–114. 2 6.  Thomas Moore, Ageless Soul: The Lifelong Journey Toward Meaning and Joy (New York: St. Martin’s, 2017), 150; 187. 27.  Johnston, It Takes a Child. 28.  Janis Clark Johnston, Midlife Maze: A Map to Recovery and Rediscovery after Loss (Lanham, MD: Rowman & Littlefield, 2017). 29.  Kostadin Kushlev, et al. “Do happy people care about society’s problems?” The Journal of Positive Psychology,15 (2019): ­4 67-477. https://doi.org/10.1080/17439760 .2019.1639797.

Chapter 1 1.  Carol Dweck, Mindset: The New Psychology of Success (New York: Random House, 2006), 6–13. 2. Johnston, It Takes a Child, 17. 3.  “Julie Andrews,” accessed February 15, 2020. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/ Julie_Andrews. 4.  Angela Duckworth, Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance (New York: Scribner, 2016), 7. 5.  “Microplastics in sea tur t les,” accessed January 6, 2019. https://www. cnn.com/2018/12/05/world/­m icroplasticpollution-turtles-study-intl-scli/index. html. 6.  “Sea turtles,” accessed February 15, 2020. https://www.ecowatch.com/­9 -supercool-facts-about-sea-turtles-1891175453. ht m l; ht t ps://ocea nconser va nc y.org / blog/2016/10/21/­5 -weird-facts-about-seaturtles/.

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spouse is associated with lowered risk of mor ta lit y,” Psychological Science, 30 (2019): 798–803. https://doi.org/10. 1177/0956797619835147. 22.  William J. Chopik and Ed O’Brien, “Happy you, healthy me? Having a happy partner is independently associated with better health in oneself,” Health Psychology, 36 (2017): 21–30. https://dx.doi. org/10.1037/hea0000432. 23.  Daniel J. Siegel, The Mindful Therapist (New York: Norton, 2010), 55–56. 2 4.  Srini Pillay, Tinker, Dabble, Doodle, Try: Unlock the Power of the Unfocused Mind (New York: Ballantine, 2017), 202. 25.  Isabel Wilkerson, Caste: The Origins of Our Discontent (New York: Random House, 2020), 21–22. 2 6.  Stan Tatkin, Wired for Love (Oakland, CA: New Harbinger, 2011). 27. Roberta K. Taylor and Dorian Mintzer, The Couple’s Retirement Puzzle (Waltham, MA: Lincoln Street, 2011), 31–39. 28.  Carl G. Jung, Modern Man in Search of a Soul (New York: Harcourt, Brace & World, 1933), 49. 29.  Carl G. Jung, Memories, Dreams, Reflections. ed. Aniela Jaffe, trans. Richard and Clara Winston (New York: Pantheon, 1973), 170. 30.  Geri Larkin, Close to the Ground: Reflections on the 7 Factors of Enlightenment (Boulder, CO: Shambhala, 2013), 74. 31.  Johnston, It Takes a Child, 17–23. 32.  “Relationship differences,” accessed January 25, 2020. https://www.gottman. com/blog/­d ebunking-12-my ths-aboutrelationships/. 33.  Adam Waytz, The Power of Human: How Our Shared Humanity Can Help Us Create a Better World (New York: Norton, 2019), 194. 3 4.  Atul Gawande, The Checklist Manifesto: How to Get Things Right (New York: Metropolitan, 2009), 31–36. 35.  Frans de Waal, Mama’s Last Hug, 4; 28. 36.  Frans de Waal, Mama’s Last Hug, 7. 37. “Wronged ,” accessed November 19, 2019. https://w w w.rickhanson. net/­stay-right-when-youre-wronged/. 38.  David Brooks, The Second Mountain: The Quest for a Moral Life (New York: Random House, 2019), 63–75. 39.  “Weavers,” accessed November 17, 2019. https://w w w.aspeninstitute.



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2. Waytz, Power of Human, 78. 3.  “Cooperation,” accessed January 25, 2020. https://www.ynharari.com/ topic/­power-and-imagination/. 4.  “Questioning success,” accessed March 17, 2020. https://www.geni.com/ p e o p l e /­M a r t h a - G r a h a m / 6 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 15862348180. 5. Carstensen, Long Bright Future, 68–69. 6. Howard S. Friedman and Leslie R. Martin, The Longevity Project: Surprising Discoveries for Health and Long Life from the Landmark ­E ight-Decade Study (New York: Hudson Street, 2011), xi–xii: 205–214. 7.  Edgar M. Bronfman, with Catherine Whitney, The Third Act: Reinventing Yourself After Retirement (New York: G. P. Putman’s Sons, 2002), 23–66. 8.  “Volunteerism and community resilience,” accessed March 16, 2020. https:// w w w.unv.org/sites/default/files/UNV_ SWVR_2018_English_WEB.pdf. 9.  “ Vo lu nt e e r s fe e l h e a l t h i e r,” accessed March 16, 2020. https://www. unitedhealthgroup.com/newsroom/2017 /0914studydoinggoodisgoodforyou.html. 10.  Monika von Bonsdorff and Taina Rantanen, “Benefits of formal voluntary work among older people: A review,” Aging Clinical and Experimental Research, 23 (2011): 162–169. 11.  “Volunteering in older adults,” accessed August 16, 2021. https://doi. org/10.1016/j.amepre.2020.03.004. 12.  Carstensen, Long Bright Future, 92. 13.  Ken Blanchard and Spencer Johnson, The New One Minute Manager (New York: William Morrow, 2015), 9. 14.  “President Carter volunteering,” accessed March 26, 2020. https://www. habitat.org/volunteer/­build-events/­c arterwork-project. 15.  “Volunteering tutoring,” accessed April 23, 2021. https://www.propelnon prof it s.org /st ud ies/­a a r p-fou nd at ionexperience-corps/. 16.  Conley, Wisdom, 171. 17.  Robert K. Greenleaf, “The Servant as Leader” (Atlanta: Greenleaf Center for Servant Leadership, 1970). 18.  Robert Greenleaf, “Servant: Retrospect and Prospect,” in The Power of Servant Leadership: Essays by Robert Greenleaf, ed. Larry C. Spears (San



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Chapter 6 1.  “Never retire,” accessed March 31, 2020. https://w w w.fool.com/retire m e n t / 2 017/ 01 / 2 7/­1 - o u t- o f- e v e r y- 4 americans-expects-to-never-retire.aspx. 2.  “Savings for retirement,” accessed M a rc h 31, 2 0 2 0 . ht t p s : //w w w. i nc . c om /­g e n e -m a r k s /­1-i n-3 - a m e r ic a n s have-0-saved-for-retirement-its-partlytheir-employers-fault.html. 3.  “Average salaries,” accessed April 20, 2021. https://www.thebalancecareers. com/­a verage-salary-information-for-usworkers-2060808.

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Social Psychology, 95 (2008): 1045–1062. https://psycnet.apa.org/doiLanding?doi=1 0.1037%2Fa0013262.  18.  Lee, Optimism, 18357–18362. 19.  “MIDUS: Midlife in the U.S.,” accessed November 11, 2019. http://www. midus.wisc.edu/. 20.  Margie E. Lachman, et. al., “Frequent cognitive activity compensates for education differences in episodic memory,” American Journal of Geriatric Psychiatry, 18 (2010): 4–10. https://www.ncbi. nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2855891/. 21.  Jing Yang, et. al., “Neural changes underlying successful second language word learning: An fMRI study,” Journal of Neurolinguistics, 33 (2015): 29–49. https:// doi.org/10.1016/j.neuroling.2014.09.004. 2 2.  “Memor y,” accessed March 26, 2020. https://blog.ted.com/­t k-elizabethloftus-at-tedglobal-2013/. 23.  Castel, Better with Age, 46–55. 2 4.  Carstensen, Long Bright Future, 55–56. 25.  “Trouble remembering,” accessed April 1, 2020. https://www.ahchealthenews. com/2019/09/10/­t rouble-rememberingthings-try/. 2 6.  “Alzheimer’s risk,” accessed March 26, 2020. https://www.aarp.org/health/ dementia/­i nfo-2018/­w omen-alzheimerspregnancy-link.html. 27.  “Silver tsunami,” accessed March 31, 2020. https://www.apa.org/monitor/ 2012/10/tsunami. 2 8.  “Memory benefits,” accessed January 20, 2020. https://www.alz.org/aaic/ releases_2019/­sunLIFESTYLE-ul14.asp. 29.  Sandi Peters, Aging with Agency: Building Resilience, Confronting Challenges, and Navigating Eldercare (Berkeley, CA: North Atlantic, 2020), 147–148. 30.  Peters, Aging with Agency, 160–162. 31.  “Prevent dementia,” accessed January 20, 2020. https://www.psychology today.com/za/blog/­m etacognition-andthe-mind/201804/­c an-reading-help-mybrain-grow-and-prevent-dementia. 32.  Keith Oatley, Such Stuff as Dreams: The Psychology of Fiction (Chichester, UK: ­Wiley-Blackwell, 2011), 7; 55. 33.  Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, Creativity: Flow and the Psychology of Discovery and Invention (New York: HarperCollins, 1996), 1–2. 3 4.  Johnston, It Takes a Child, 5.



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drinking, and ­D SM-IV alcohol use disorder in the United States, 2001–2002 to 2012–2013,” JAMA Psychiatry, 74 (2017): 911–923. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/ pmc/articles/PMC5710229/. 49.  “Alcohol and health,” accessed Apri l 4, 2020. ht t ps://w w w.cdc.gov/ alcohol/­fact-sheets/­a lcohol-use.htm. 50. “A lcohol? ” acce ssed Apr i l 4 , 2 02 0. ht t ps://w w w. a hc he a lt hene w s . com/2019/11/01/­h ow-much-alcohol-istoo-much/. 51.  Ying Liu, et.al., “Links between alcohol consumption and breast cancer: A look at the evidence,” Women’s Health, 11 (2015): 65–77. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih. gov/pmc/articles/PMC4299758/. 52.  Marilyn Paul, An Oasis in Time: How a Day of Rest Can Save Your Life (New York: Rodale, 2017), 216. 5 3 .   “­H u n t e r - g a t h e r e r c u l t u r e ,” accessed April 5, 2020. https://w w w. nationa lgeographic.org/encyclopedia/ hunter-gatherer-culture/. 5 4.  “Exercise,” accessed March 3, 2020. https://www.visualizingthebrain. org /uploads/1/2/6/1/12614 8826/­w hy_ your_brain_needs_exercise_-_scientific_ american.pdf. 55.  Kelly McGonigal, The Joy of Movement: How Exercise Helps Us Find Happiness, Hope, Connection, and Courage (New York: Avery, 2019), 3–23. 5 6.  McConnell, Somatic Internal Family Systems Therapy, 88. 57.  ­S eung-Soo Baek, “Role of exercise on the brain,” Journal of Exercise Rehabilitation, 12 (2016): 380–385. https:// w w w.ncbi.n l m.n i h.gov/pmc/a r t icles/ PMC5091051/. 58.  Neha Gothe, et. al., “Yoga effects on brain health: A systematic review of the current literature,” Brain Plasticity, 5 (2019): 105–122. https://content.iospress. com/articles/ ­brain-plasticity/bpl190084. 59.  Lauren Walker, The Energy Medicine Yoga Prescription (Boulder, CO: Sounds True, 2017), 24–25. 60.  “Grief yoga,” accessed May 27, 2021. https://www.pauldennistontraining. com/­yoga-for-professionals. 61.  “Tai chi,” accessed April 7, 2020. https://www.medicinenet.com/tai_chi/ article.htm#introduction_to_tai_chi. 62.  Peter M. Wayne with Mark L . Fuerst, The Harvard Medical School Guide

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to Tai Chi (Boston: Shambhala, 2020), 49; 254. 63.  “Facts about falls,” accessed April 7, 2 02 0. ht t ps://w w w.c dc .gov/ home andrecreationa lsafet y/fa lls/adu ltfa lls. html. 6 4.  “Classical Stretch,” accessed October 10, 2020, https://en.wikipedia.org/ wiki/­M iranda_Esmonde-White. 65.  “Awe walks,” accessed October 2 , 2020. ht tps://w w w.ucsf.edu/news/ 2020/09/418551/­awe-walks-boost-emotion al-well-being. 6 6.  Buettner, Blue Zones, 118–251. 67.  Michelle L. Segar, et.al., “Rebranding exercise: Closing the gap between values and behavior,” International Journal of Behavioral Nutrition and Physical Activity, 8 (2011): 94. https://ijbnpa.biomedcentral. com/articles/10.1186/­1479-5868-8-94. 6 8.  Gabor Mate, When the Body Says No: Exploring the ­S tress-Disease Connection (Hoboken, NJ: Wiley, 2003), 244. 69. Ada m J. K rause, et.a l., “ T he ­s leep-deprived brain,” Nature Reviews Neuroscience, 18 (2017): ­4 04-418. https:// w w w.ncbi.n l m.n i h.gov/pmc/a r t icles/ PMC6143346/. 70.  Theresa E. Gildner, et. al., “Associations between sleep duration, sleep quality, and cognitive test performance among older adults from six middle income countries,” Journal of Clinical Sleep Medicine, 10 (2014): 613–621. https://jcsm.aasm.org/ doi/10.5664/jcsm.3782. 71.  Daniel Levitin, Successful Aging: A Neuroscientist Explores the Power and Potential of Our Lives (New York: Dutton, 2020), 302–303. 7 2.  “Sleep,” accessed January 8, 2020. https://hbr.org/2015/08/­r esearch-showshow-a n x iet y-a nd-tech nolog y-a reaffecting-our-sleep. 73.  Sara C. Mednick with Mark Ehrman, Take a Nap! Change Your Life (New York: Workman, 2006), 8–116. 74.  Brian Chin, et.al., “Psychological mechanisms driving stress resilience in mindfulness training,” Health Psychology, 38 (2019): 759–768. https://doi. org/10.1037/hea0000763. 75.  “Mindf u lness,” accessed April 9, 2 02 0. ht t ps://mbsr t r a i n i ng.c om / jon-kabat-zinn-mbsr-training/. 76.  Jon ­K abat-Zinn, Coming to Our Senses: Healing Ourselves and the World

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Chapter 7 1.  “It’s a Wonderful Life,” accessed April 10, 2020. https://en.wikipedia.org/ wiki/It%27s_a_Wonderful_Life. 2.  Paul J. Zak, “Why Inspiring Stories Make Us React: The Neuroscience of Narrative,” Cerebrum, January/February (2015): 2. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/ pmc/articles/PMC4445577/. 3.  Jennifer Louden, The Life Organizer: A Woman’s Guide to a Mindful Year (Novato, CA: New World, 2007), 52. 4. Erickson, Childhood and Society, 266–267. 5.  Dan P. McAdams, et. al., “The Anatomy of Generativity,” in Generativity and Adult Development: How and Why We Care for the Next Generation, eds. Dan P. McAdams and Ed de St. Aubin (Washington, DC: American Psychological Association, 1998), 9–12. 6.  Dan P. McAdams, Ruthellen Josselson, and Amira Lieblich, eds., Turns in the Road: Narrative Studies of Lives in Transition (Washington, DC: American Psychological Association, 2001), xvii. 7. Erickson, Childhood and Society, 268–269. 8. Dan P. McAdams, The Art and Science of Personality Development (New York: Guilford, 2015), 4–7; 39. 9. Johnston, It Takes a Child, 29.



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10.  Bessel Van der Kolk, The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma (New York: Viking, 2014), 191. 11.  William Morris and Mary Morris, The Morris Dictionary of Word and Phrase (New York: Harper and Row, 1971), s. v. “story.” 12.  Claire Dunne, Carl Jung: Wounded Healer of the Soul (London: Watkins, 2012), 105. 13.  Susan Wittig Albert, Writing from Life: Telling Your Soul’s Story (New York: Tarcher/Putnam, 1996), 61. 14.  Srivasstava, “Development of Personality,” 1041–1053. 15.  Carl G. Jung, “The Development of Personality,” Collected Works of C. G. Jung, Vol 17, trans. R.F.C. Hull (New York: Princeton University Press, 1981), par. 318, 184. 16.  Tobias, 20 Master Plots, 6. 17.  Booker, Seven Basic Plots, 305. 18.  Michael White, Maps of Narrative Practice (New York: Norton, 2007), 9. 19.  James W. Pennebaker, “Expressive writing in psychological science,” Perspectives on Psychological Science, 13 (2018): 226–229. 20.  James Pennebaker and Joshua M. Smyth, Opening Up by Writing It Down: How Expressive Writing Improves Health and Eases Emotional Pain, 3rd ed. (New York: Guilford, 2016), 14–23. 21.  Pennebaker and Smyth, Opening Up, 43. 22.  Natalie Goldberg, Writing Down the Bones: Freeing the Writer Within (Boston: Shambhala, 1986), 84–86; 106. 23.  “Writing exercise,” accessed April 14, 2020. http://homepage.psy.utexas. e du / home pa ge/ Fac u lt y/ Pen ne ba ker/ Home2000/WritingandHealth.html. 24.  David Snowdon, Aging with Grace: What the Nun Study Teaches Us About Leading Longer, Healthier, and More Meaning ful Lives (New York: Bantam, 2001), 16–20. 25.  Snowdon, Aging, 86–87. 26.  Snowdon, Aging, 107; 193–204. 27.  Mark Nepo, The Book of Awakening: Having the Life You Want by Being Present to the Life You Have (San Francisco: Conari, 2011), 306–307. 2 8.  “Stress talk,” accessed April 23, 2020. ht t ps://w w w.br ucel ipton.com / blog/­one-simple-solution-one-step.

29.  Minkyung Koo, et.al., “It’s a wonderful life: Mentally subtracting positive events improves people’s affective states, contrary to their affective forecasts,” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 95 (2008): ­1217-1224. 30.  Sacks, River of Consciousness, 121. 31.  Frank P. Thomas, How to Write the Story of Your Life (Cincinnati, OH: Writer’s Digest, 1984), 45. 32.  Timothy D. Wilson, Redirect: The Surprising New Science of Psychological Change (New York: Little, Brown, 2011), 5–17; 57. 33.  Jim Rendon, Upside: The New Science of ­Post-Traumatic Growth (New York: Touchstone, 2015), ix–xi; 90. 34.  Edith Eva Eger, The Choice: Embrace the Possible (New York: Scribner, 2017), 40. 35.  Eger, Choice, 230–231. 36.  Barry K. Baines, Ethical Wills: Putting Your Values on Paper (Cambridge, MA: Perseus, 2002), 46–49. 37.  Laura E. Fielding, Mastering Adulthood: Go Beyond Adulting to Become an Emotional ­G rown-Up (Oakland, CA: New Harbinger, 2019), 38–40. 38.  Kilroy J. Oldster, Dead Toad Scrolls (Bradenton, FL: BookLocker, 2016), 41. 39.  Ross Gay, The Book of Delights: Essays (Chapel Hill, NC: Algonquin, 2019), xi–xii. 4 0.  Moore, Life at Work, 66–71.

Chapter 8 1.  Arthur W. Frank, The Wounded Storyteller: Body, Illness and Ethics (Chicago: University of Chicago Press, 2013), 53–54. 2.  Peter Brooks, Reading for the Plot: Design and Intention in Narrative (New York: Knopf, 1984), 22–25; 3. 3.  “Death in literature,” accessed October 2 , 2020. ht t ps://w w w.ca mbridge scholars.com/download/sample/61601. 4.  Sarah Delaney and A. Elizabeth Delaney, with Amy Hill Hearth, Having Our Say: The Delany Sisters’ First 100 Years (New York: Kodansha International, 1993), 201–205. 5.  Judith L. Lief, Making Friends with Death. A Buddhist Guide to Encountering Mortality (Boston: Shambhala, 2001), 67–71. 6.  Edward H. Thompson, Jr., Men, Masculinities, and Aging: The Gendered Lives of

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25.  Bruce J. Mi l ler and Shoshana Berger, A Beginner’s Guide to the End: Practical Advice for Living Life and Facing Death (New York: Simon & Schuster, 2019), 422–431. 2 6.  “C. S. Lewis,” accessed April 29, 2020. ht t ps://en.w i k iped ia .org /w i k i / C._S._Lewis. 27.  C. S. Lewis, A Grief Observed (New York: HarperCollins, 1961), 15. 2 8.  Judith Newman, “Kathie Lee Gifford flips the script,” AARP The Magazine, April/May 2019, 32–36. 29.  “Virginia Woolf,” accessed April 25, 2020. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/ Virginia_Woolf. 30.  Charles Darwin, The Descent of Man (London: John Murray, 1879), 72. 31.  (Quoted in) Rollo May,  Love and Will (New York: Norton, 1969), 99. 32.  Brach, Radical Compassion, 141. 33.  Ira Byock, The Four Things that Matter Most: A Book About Living (New York: Free Press, 2004), 62–76. 3 4.  Byock, Four Things, 3; 26. 35.  Ira Byock, The Best Care Possible: A Physician’s Quest to Transform Care Through the End of Life (New York: Avery, 2012), 19. 36.  Shirley Ann Higuchi and Stephen J. Lally, Parenting Coordination in Postseparation Disputes: A Comprehensive Guide for Practitioners (Washington, DC: American Psychological Association, 2014). 37.  Desmond Tutu and Mpho Tutu, The Book of Forgiving: The Fourfold Path for Healing Ourselves and Our World (New York: HarperOne, 2014), 102; 140. 38.  Tutu and Tutu, Forgiving, 29; 63; 161. 39.  Moore, Ageless Soul, 252; 271. 4 0.  Brooks, Second Mountain, xii. 41.  Ostaseski, Five Invitations, 7–11. 4 2.  Lief, Making Friends with Death, 161–162. 43.  Robert D. Putnam, Bowling Alone: The Collapse and Revival of American Community (New York: Simon & Schuster, 2000), 402–403. 4 4.  Brene Brown, Braving the Wilderness: The Quest for True Belonging and the Courage to Stand Alone (New York: Random House, 2017), 8–20. 45.  Julianne ­H olt-Lunstad, et. a l., “Loneliness and social isolation as risk factors for mortality: A ­m eta-analytic Review,” Perspectives on Psychological Science, 10 (2015): 227–237.



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19.  John O’Donohue, Anam Cara: A Book of Celtic Wisdom (New York: HarperCollins, 1997), 167–168. 20.  Pema Chödrön, Taking the Leap: Freeing Ourselves from Old Habits and Fears (Boulder, CO: Shambhala, 2019), 1–6. 21.  Daniel H. Pink, When: The Scientific Secrets of Perfect Timing (New York: Riverhead, 2018), 108–109. 2 2.  Naomi Epel, Writers Dreaming (New York: Vintage, 1994), 7–8. 23.  Robert A. Emmons, Thanks! How Practicing Gratitude Can Make You Happier (New York: Houghton Mifflin, 2008), 5: 186. 24.  Seligman, Flourish, 30–31. 25.  “Immortal Jellyfish,” accessed May 12, 2020. https://­i mmortal-jellyfish.com./ 2 6.  “Plants Live Forever,” accessed May 12, 2020. http://www.bbc.com/earth/ story/­20150622-can-anything-live-forever. 27.  Mary Oliver, New and Selected Poems (Boston: Beacon, 1992), 177–178. 2 8.  “Find meaning,” accessed March 14, 2019. https://www.apa.org/research/ ac t ion /­s p e a k i ng- of-ps yc holog y/­l i fe meaning. 29.  “Mary Oliver,” accessed May 13, 2020. ht t ps://onbei ng.org /prog ra ms/­ m a r y- ol iver-l i s ten i ng-to -t he -worldjan2019/. 30.  “The Dalai Lama,” accessed January 31, 2020. https://slate.com/humaninterest/2014/02/­d alai-lama-at-a-santa-feski-resort-tells-waitress-the-meaning-oflife.html. 31.  Atul Gawande, Being Mortal: Medicine and What Matters in the End (New York: Metropolitan, 2014), 7–9. 32.  Gawande, Being Mortal, 16; 37–41. 33. “People i n U. S . household s ,” accessed May 13, 2020. https://w w w. pewresearch.org/­f act-tank/2019/10/01/­ the-number-of-people-in-the-averageu-s-household-is-going-up-for-the-firsttime-in-over-160-years/. 3 4.  “Dying at Home,” accessed May 14, 2020. https://w w w.statnews.com/ 2019/12/11/­more-americans-die-at-home/. 35.  Peters, Aging with Agency, 231. 36.  “­E nd-of-life,” accessed January 25, 2020. https://theconversationproject.org. 37.  Ostaseski, Five Invitations, 134. 38.  Ostaseski, Five Invitations, 137–139. 39.  “Stanley Kunitz,” accessed May

19, 2020. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/ Stanley_Kunitz. 4 0.  “Stanley Kunitz,” accessed May 19, 2020. https://www.poetryfoundation.org/ poets/­stanley-kunitz. 41.  Stanley Kunitz, The Wild Braid: A Poet Reflects on a Century in the Garden (New York: Norton, 2005), 50. 4 2.  Kunitz, Wild Braid, 82–83. 43.  Lief, Making Friends with Death, 55–56. 4 4.  Peters, Aging with Agency, 67. 45.  “Humor and Healing,” accessed May 12, 2020. http://healingwithhumor. com/i_about.html. 4 6.  “Friend Until the End,” accessed May 19, 2020. https://w w w.lionsroar. com/­a-friend-until-the-end/. 47.  Thomas Moore, Soul Mates: Honoring the Mysteries of Love and Relationship (New York: Harper Perennial, 1994), 35. 4 8.  “John Goddard,” accessed May 20, 2020. https://www.johngoddard.info/. 49.  Carl Greer, Change Your Story, Change Your Life: Using Shamanic and Jungian Tools to Achieve Personal Transformation (Scotland, UK: Findhorn, 2014), 23–30; 145–159. 50.  Antonio Damasio, Self Comes to Mind: Constructing the Conscious Brain (New York: Pantheon, 2010), 94–96. 51.  Johnston, It Takes a Child, 269–273. 52.  “Does Music Boost Your Cognitive Performance?,” accessed March 14, 2020.  https://w w w.scientificamerican. c om /a r t ic le/­do e s -mu sic-b o os t-you rcognitive-performance/. 53.  “Paul Verlaine,” accessed March 15, 2020. https://interlude.hk/­t he-music-ofpoetrypaul-verlaine-clair-de-lune/. 5 4.  Carmen Noguera, et al., “Shall we dance? Dancing modulates executive functions and spatial memory,” International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health, 17 (2020): 1960. https:// doi.org/10.3390/ijerph17061960. 55.  “Uncovering why playing a musical instrument can protect brain health,” accessed May 23, 2020. https://w w w. eureka ler t.org /pub_releases/­2 017- 06/­ bcfg-uwp060117.php. 5 6.  “The National Human Activity Pattern Survey,” accessed March 4, 2019. https://digital.library.unt.edu/ark:/67531/ metadc719357/. 57.  “Ross Gay,” accessed April 30, 2020.



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Chapter 10 1.  “Boomer Volunteerism,” accessed March 20, 2020. https://w w w.national ser v ice.gov/vcla / ­b aby-boomer-volu n teer-rate-states. 2. “­86-Year-Old Blogger,” accessed September 28, 2020. https://busybeehazell. com 3.  Sedlar and Miners, Don’t Retire. Rewire!, 219. 4.  Thomas Moore, Dark Nights of the Soul: A Guide to Finding Your Way Through Life’s Ordeal s (New York : Got ha m, 2004), 35. 5.  “Beat les,” accessed October 9, 2020. https://blog.siriusxm.com/hearpau l-mcca r t ney-a lec-ba ldw i n-honorjoh n-len nons- 8 0 t h-bi r t hd ay-plu smore-exclusive-specials-on-the-beatleschannel/. 6.  “Trauma and Transformation,” accessed Ju ne 23, 2021.  ht t ps://doi. org/10.4135/9781483326931. 7.  “Gavin Harrison,” accessed June 23, 2020. ht t ps://t r ic ycle.org /ma ga zi ne/ lotus-fire/. 8.  Émile Durk heim, The Elementary Forms of Religious Life, trans. Karen E. Fields (New York: Free Press, 1995), 403–404. 9.  “Collective effervescence,” accessed May 29, 2020. https://greatergood.berkeley. edu/article/item/why_experiencing_joy_ and_pain_in_a_group_is_so_powerful. 10.  Brown, Braving the Wilderness, 20. 11.  Hollis, Living Between Worlds, 3. 12.  “Posttraumatic growth and gerotranscendence,” accessed September 23, 2021. https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/ abs/10.1177/0022167813492388. 13.  Richard Rohr, Falling Upward: A Spirituality for the Two Halves of Life (San Francisco: ­Jossey-Bass, 2011), ix–xxi. 14.  John O’Donohue, Benedictus: A Book of Blessings (London: Bantam, 2007), 181; 207–208. 15.  Baines, Ethical Wills, 14–16; 32–53.

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Index AARP Foundation Experience Corps ​106 AARP Public Policy Institute ​179 abandonment ​59, 71 ability ​7, 10–11, 19; accomplishment 52, 104, 110; doubt of 99; and ego, differentiated from self-meanings 56; importance of 49, 60, 62, 65, 72, 84, 93, 99, 101, 125, 144, 186, 191, 208–209; see also ability skillset, growth of; basic needs ability skillset, growth of ​13, 18–19, 64, 83– 84, 87, 93, 96, 103, 202, 204–205, 210, 220; see also personality, skillset; rewiring abuse ​47, 71, 97, 138, 156, 174, 177, 181, 186, 194, 204; see also harassment accidents ​13, 163, 170–171 acting ​105, 144, 166 activism/social justice ​37, 103, 107, 110, 187, 193, 211, 213–214; see also Black Lives Matter; MeToo movement addictions ​73, 132, 200; see also drinking excess; opioids; overeating; smoking; substance abuse adolescence ​38 adventurous ​37 Aegon Center for Longevity and Retirement ​ 11 affirmations ​35 Affordable Care Act ​24 age discrimination ​23, 41 ageism ​7, 21, 23, 41, 80, 127, 133, 203; see also discrimination, age; sexism; stereotypes aggression ​44, 61, 136; see also anger aging ​3, 8, 10, 14–15, 18, 21, 25–28, 37, 60, 84–85, 94, 122–125, 127, 151, 191, 206; successfully 2, 30–31, 37, 45, 52–53, 69–70, 82, 85–86, 102–103, 107, 128, 148–149, 152, 164, 203, 214; with purpose 113, 205; see also positivity Ahern, Cecelia ​76 AIDS ​204 Airbnb, Wisdom@Airbnb ​93 Aisenberg, Michael ​126 Albert, Susan Wittig ​145

alcohol ​30, 49, 127–128, 130–132, 136; and women 131–132; see also drinking excess Ali, Agha Shahid ​175 Ali, Muhammad ​31 Allende, Isabel ​189 Alzheimer, Alois ​152 Alzheimer’s disease ​75, 126–129, 133, 152–153; Alzheimer’s Association 126–127; APOE gene; dementia Amabile, Teresa ​92, 99 Amen, Daniel ​112 American Psychological Association ​126 AmeriCorps Seniors ​106 Anderson, Norman ​124 Andrews, Julie ​19 anger ​33–34, 42, 60, 67, 71, 77, 88–89, 169, 173, 175, 184, 196–197, 204; as protector 58; see also aggression; emotions anxiety/anxious ​3, 5, 31, 34, 85, 88, 99, 131, 134, 136, 151, 169, 187; relief from 116; see also emotions; worry aphasia ​208 APOE gene ​128; see also Alzheimer’s disease; genetics Applewhite, Ashton ​10 archetypes 28, 146, 183, 216; see also myths Aristarchus of Samos ​210; see also Copernicus, Nicolaus Aristotle ​35 Aronson, Louise ​167 art ​21–22, 28, 98, 100, 105, 114, 143, 160, 214, 217, 219 arthritis ​22, 134–135; writing aid 148 artificial intelligence ​98; see also intelligence As You Like It ​34; see also Shakespeare, William assisted living ​3, 116 asthma, writing aid ​148 Athena, Greek goddess ​51–52 attachment, secure ​56, 71; insecure 58; see also self-meanings Auden, W.H. ​49 Augustine ​216

251

252 Index Aung San Suu Kyi ​108 autonomy ​218; see also independence avocations ​14 Ba, Egyptian ​32; see also self-meaning Baby Boomers ​2–3, 5–7, 25, 46, 94–95, 105, 120–121, 186; “Boomer remover” 24; volunteer statistics 202 back pain ​135 backstories ​5, 11–12, 29, 134; see also legacy Bailey, George ​142, 144, 154; see also It’s a Wonderful Life Baines, Barry ​206 balance, improvement of ​133–135, 215; psychological 136; see also tai chi; yoga Baldwin, Alec ​203 Baldwin, James ​35 Baltimore Longitudinal Study of Aging ​128 Barnwell, Ysaye Maria ​57; see also Sweet Honey in the Rock Barrows, Anita ​167 Barrymore, John ​94 basic (birthright) needs ​19, 49, 60, 72, 80, 91–92, 98, 128, 144, 147; see also ability; belonginess; creativity; discipline; energy; needs; unmet needs Baum, Frank ​187; see also The Wonderful Wizard of Oz belief, negative ​35 belongingness ​19, 42–43, 45, 47, 49, 60, 62, 72, 84, 92, 104, 110, 144, 168, 178, 188, 200, 202, 204, 217–218, 220; see also basic needs Berg, Elizabeth ​127 Bernstein, Leonard ​220; see also Candide Berry, Wendell ​130 beyonder, definition of ​3, 7 Bible ​139 “Big Five” personality traits ​34; see also personality; temperament Black Lives Matter ​187; see also activism/ social justice; MeToo movement; racism Blanchard, Ken ​106, 108 Bludau, Juergen ​192 Blue Zones ​130, 135; see also Buettner, Dan; longevity Boaler, Jo ​96, 132 body awareness ​5, 43, 71–72, 76, 109, 133, 137, 162, 168–171, 182–183, 197, 204; facial expression 42; sensation “stories” 5, 31, 72 bodymind ​3, 30, 60–61, 120, 123–124, 127, 132–139, 145, 148, 168, 170, 186, 189–190, 194, 197–198, 202, 215, 220 Bohm, David ​12, 65–66 Bon Jovi, Jon ​18 Booker, Christopher ​6, 57, 146 boredom ​26–27, 46, 85, 95, 109, 113, 127; see also emotions Bowen, Will ​185 Brach, Tara ​55, 66, 173; see also McDonald, Michelle

brain ​8, 20, 23, 54, 65–66, 70, 74, 82, 91, 98–99, 142, 158, 164, 187, 197, 215; autopsies 128, 132, 152–153; cognitive reserve 114–115; compared to stars 182; decline 11, 170; and exercise 133; and food 129, 131; games 114, 125; and gardening 112; and grief 89, 167– 168; and growth 11, 28–29, 96–97, 109, 125, 128, 134, 139, 198–199, 215; hemispheres 99–100; mirror neurons 48; and novelty 92; research 36; and sleep 68, 136; see also conscious/subconscious; epigenetics; mirror neurons; neuroplasticity; novelty breath, mindful ​31–32, 77, 129, 134–135, 137–140, 146, 170, 185, 213; benefit of 116; exercises 139, 169, 197; see also meditation; mindfulness Brees, Karen ​41 Bridges, William ​62–63 Bronfman, Edgar ​104 Brooks, David ​51, 57, 102, 162, 176–177 Brooks, Peter ​163 Brown, Brene ​178, 205 Brown, Frieda Farfour ​81 Brown, Rita Mae ​168 Buber, Martin ​38, 57–59; see also I-It relating; I-Thou relating Buddhist teaching ​44, 59; see also Chödrön, Pema; Hanh, Thich Nhat Buettner, Dan ​130; see also Blue Zones Buffett, Warren ​127 Burchard, Brendon ​11 Burn-Callander, Rebecca ​113 Burns, George ​80 Bush, Pres. George H. administration ​22 Butler, Robert ​23 butterfly (imagined soul) ​215; Australian Butterfly Sanctuary 14, 203; collection 91; missing wing 14, 123; unfolding-self 203; see also psyche, Greek definition of; soul Byock, Era ​174 Byrd, Robert ​24 Cage, John ​212–213 calmness ​15, 32, 56, 90, 194, 213; equanimity 138 Campbell, Charles ​216 Campbell, Joseph ​184, 216–217 cancer ​27, 29, 63–64, 72, 88, 129, 131–132, 134–135, 151–153, 162, 171, 177, 191, 195, 200, 207, 219; aid 134, 162; see also illness Candide ​220; see also Bernstein, Leonard Cannon, Joanna ​203 cardiovascular disease ​124, 129, 131, 137, 179; aid 134, 198; prevention 198; see also heart attack career (profession) ​2, 14, 26, 47, 53, 78, 82– 84, 93–95, 104, 164, 176, 202; with benefits 121; choosing vocation 81, 112, 152; end of 62, review of 91, 97, 155 caretaking ​9, 13–14, 26, 38, 53, 60, 65, 69–71,



Index253

87, 111, 115–116, 127, 151, 192; institutional 165; see also helping; hospice Carr, David ​112 Carr, Deborah ​165 Carrillo, Maria ​126 Carstensen, Laura ​3, 29, 103, 125; see also Stanford Center on Longevity Carter, President Jimmy ​24, 106 Carter, Rosalynn ​106 Carter, Susan ​89 Castaneda, Carlos ​141 Castel, Alan ​125, 211 Catholic Worker Movement ​102; see also Day, Dorothy Centers for Disease Control and Prevention ​ 131 Chapman, John (Johnny Appleseed) ​55 Charnin, Martin ​210 Chen, Julie ​158 Chicago Health and Aging Project ​128 Childhood and Society ​12; see also Erikson, Erik Chittister, Joan ​5, 182 Chödrön, Pema ​35, 44, 189; see also Buddhist teaching Chopik, William ​47 Chopra, Deepak ​195 Christie, Agatha ​28,155 church ​28, 53, 81, 164–165, 182, 214 Churchill, Winston ​98 Cicero ​216 clarity ​32, 194, 213 Clark, Dorie ​114 Clarke, John ​120 cleaning out ​116–118 Close, Glenn ​22 cognitive decline ​3, 11, 170, 179; see also brain, decline Cohen, Gene ​82 Cohen, Leonardo ​97 collaboration ​108 Collins, Gail ​23 The Color Purple ​216 comedy ​5, 6 compassion ​15, 35, 37, 40–44, 46, 48, 50, 52, 54–59, 61, 71, 78, 86, 105–106, 108, 113, 135, 139–140, 143, 151, 157, 171, 173–174, 184, 186–188, 191, 194, 196–197, 199, 204, 208, 211, 213, 217–219; definition of 36; selfcompassion 32, 35–37; 39, 71, 73, 77, 89–90, 104, 115, 138–139, 174, 178, 184–185, 194, 204, 218; see also passion competence ​32, 110 confidence ​89, 97, 173, 188, 194, 213 Conley, Chip ​93–94 connectedness ​14–15, 34, 36, 40, 42, 52–54, 82, 89, 91, 101, 103, 114, 133, 178, 188, 194, 213, 219; barriers to 55, 189 conscious/subconscious ​19–20, 22, 31–35, 39, 41, 43–44, 51, 55, 58–59, 61, 64–76, 89, 108,

132, 139, 145–146, 153–155, 158, 160, 163– 165, 167–168, 172, 182, 184–185, 188–189, 191, 194, 203, 206, 213, 215, 217–219; see also brain; present moment; self-meanings, unconscious Conversation Project ​193; see also DeBartolo, Kate; end-of-life planning cooperation ​33, 54, 102, 110; coevolution 54–55; see also nature Copernicus, Nicolaus ​210; see also Aristarchus of Samos; On the Revolutions of the Heavenly Spheres Cordero, Helen ​159 co-regulation ​40–42, 146 cortisol ​135 courage ​32, 188, 194, 196, 200, 206, 213 Coursera Deep Learning ​98; see also Ng, Andrew COVID ​2, 6, 21, 24–25, 34, 42, 46, 91, 101, 111, 124, 140, 144, 152, 163, 165, 172, 178, 186–188, 192, 199, 202, 204, 218 creativity ​8–9, 15, 18–19, 32, 49, 56, 60, 69, 72, 75, 83–84, 92–93, 98–100, 110, 116, 118, 128, 144, 158, 172, 178, 187, 194, 196, 208, 211, 213; see also basic needs; selfmeanings criticism ​33, 58, 71, 76–77, 90–91, 154, 173, 178, 184, 211–213; as complainer 185, 187; self-criticism 36, 193–194, 213 Cronos, Greek diety ​28 Csikszentmihalyi, Mihaly ​21, 128, 208; see also flow curiosity ​29, 32, 56, 64, 74, 77, 92, 95, 99, 110, 118, 120, 139–140, 147, 162–163, 177, 182–183, 185, 194, 197, 213–214, 218 Cushing, Cardinal Richard ​11 daimon, Greek ​32; see also self-meaning Dalai Lama ​102, 191, 211 Damasio, Antonio ​75, 197 dancing ​15, 74, 102, 118, 157–158, 160, 198– 199, 212, 215, 219; and shaking 169–170 Darwin, Charles ​173; see also On the Origin of Species DASH diet ​131; see also diet Davidson, Adam ​98 Davidson, Richard ​68 Davis, Miles ​198 Day, Dorothy ​102; see also Catholic Worker Movement death ​1–2, 7, 13, 19, 25, 29, 49, 51, 54, 57, 83, 88, 101, 107, 124, 135, 138, 151–152, 156, 166–168, 178–180, 187, 189, 193–196, 200, 207–209, 211, 219; affirming 162–164, 171–174; and COVID 91, 165, 188; “death cleaning” 117; defying 73, 190–191; dreams of 192; fear of 27, 41, 47, 179; as growth 176–177; humor 80; near-death 170, 173; sudden 72, 90, 139, 160, 188, 218; see also grief; suicide

254 Index DeBartolo, Kate ​193; see also Conversation Project; end-of-life planning de Beauvoir, Simone ​312 Debussy, Claude ​198 de Chardin, Pierre Teilhard ​33 decision-making ​62, 133–134; organizational 87 DeFranco, Bea ​132 Delany, Bessie ​163 Delany, Sadie ​163 Dell Technologies ​97 dementia ​3, 60, 75, 112, 114–116, 125–128, 131, 151, 171, 215; prevention of 126–127, 131, 152, 215; see also Alzheimer’s disease; Parkinsonian dementia De Mille, Agnes ​102 Dench, Dame Judi ​22 denial ​33, 164 depression ​12, 19, 27, 34, 82, 88, 105, 124, 126, 131, 134, 150, 154, 169, 178, 180; relief from 116, 190, 193 de Saint- Exupéry, Antoine ​91 despair ​99, 144 de Waal, Frans ​50 diabetes ​126, 129, 152 Dickinson, Emily ​30 diet ​3, 10, 30, 37, 127–130; eating mantra 130; see also DASH; diabetes; food; Mediterranean; MIND Dinesen, Isak (Karen von Blixen-Finecke) ​ 171 disabilities ​21, 36, 42, 101, 133, 166, 170–171, 180, 188, 200 discipline ​19, 49, 60, 72, 83, 110, 133, 144, 212; definition of 92; see also basic needs discrimination, age ​83, 97, 203 Disney, Walt ​172 divorce ​1, 13, 29, 47, 50, 77, 85, 117, 151, 178, 189; mediation 174; see also marriage Doctors Without Borders ​106 Dole, Elizabeth ​22–23 dopamine ​14, 28, 98 downsizing work ​7, 14–15, 86; home 14, 116–118 drawing exercises ​169, 198, 216 dreams ​28, 68, 75, 94, 103, 145, 163, 172, 195, 202–203, 206, 213; nightmares 192 drinking excess ​131, 178, 181; see also addictions; alcohol driving loss ​12 Duckworth, Angela ​19; see also grit 19 Dunne, Philippa ​95 Durkheim, Émile ​204; “collective effervescence” 204 Dweck, Carol ​18–19, 209; see also mindset, growth/fixed Dychtwald, Ken ​24, 123, 186 EagleSpeaker, Linda ​169 Eberhardt, Jennifer ​20

Eckhart, Meister ​190 Eden Alternative, Pioneer Network ​127 Edison, Thomas Alva ​9, 98 education, in retirement ​9, 26, 38, 53, 69, 98, 114, 125; see also learning EEG activity ​65 Eger, Edith Eva ​157; see also Holocaust survival ego, differentiated from self-meanings ​ 56–57, 144, 146, 184; see also parts, personality Einstein, Albert ​99 Ekman, Paul ​42 electronic devices ​46 Emberton, Oliver ​113 EMDR ​72–73; “interweave,” description of 74; see also psychotherapy; Shapiro, Francine Emerson, Ralph Waldo ​144, 207 Emmons, Robert ​190 emotions ​38, 44–45, 60, 63, 66–68, 71, 76–78, 87–89, 98, 110–111, 128, 147, 164, 168, 171–174, 187, 194, 197, 216; in body sensations 5, 72, 75, 123–124, 148, 169–170, 204; emotional intelligence 55, 94, 128, 186; training in 116; and writing 150–151, 153–154, 206; see also anger; anxiety/ anxious; boredom; fear; gratitude; grief; insecurity; jealousy; joy; kindness; parts, personality; sadness; worry empathy ​36, 42, 52, 55–56, 108, 159 employment ​1, 9–12, 14, 22–26, 52; transitions 62; wages 6; see also jobsharing; part-time work; semi-retired empty nest ​13 encore adults, definition of ​5, 7- 9 Encore Fellows Program ​106 end-of-life ​87, 165, 193; planning 186, 193; see also Conversation Project; hospice energy ​9, 19, 21, 33, 40, 42, 49, 60, 69, 72, 144, 170, 177, 182, 216; loss of 38, 53, 63, 93, 123, 135, 171, 174; as rewiring 37, 73, 89, 92, 94, 132–133, 136, 205; see also basic needs entrepreneur ​69, 98, 113–114, 121, 159, 214 environment ​10, 14, 52, 62, 66, 70, 75, 107, 186–187, 209, 211, 214 epigenetics ​35, 109: see also brain, growth Erickson, Erik ​12, 143 Erickson, Joan ​12, 213 Eriksson, Charlotte ​215 Esmonde-White, Miranda ​135 estrogen ​61 exercise (movement) ​3, 10, 27–28, 82, 130, 152, 214; deficit 134; habit 47, 100, 135, 163, 202; as rewiring 127–128, 132–135, 199 expectations ​21, 80, 84, 87–88, 103, 106, 110, 217 extroversion/introversion ​34, 69, 144; see also “Big Five” personality traits; temperament



Index255

falling ​1, 135, 166, 192; see also balance; injuries family 17, 25, 52, 57, 76, 78, 103, 111, 114, 117, 121, 130, 133, 143, 152, 156–157, 160–161, 165–166, 176, 180, 186, 189, 192–193, 208, 214; hero/heroine 216; lack of 178–179; problems 13, 59, 77, 93, 174, 178, 181, 188, 212; responsibilities 11, 27, 53–54, 69, 85, 115–116 family therapy ​18, 63 Faure, Gabriel ​198 fearful ​1, 11, 22, 27, 33, 35, 37, 41, 56, 63–64, 72, 77, 91, 99, 124, 134, 149, 163–164, 169, 171, 176–177, 179, 184, 188, 196–197, 202, 204–205; of sickness 37; see also emotions Feiler, Bruce ​62 Feinstein, David ​180 Fenwick, Catherine ​195 Ferguson, Craig ​172 fibromyalgia aid 134 Fielding, Laura ​158 fight-flight-freeze ​61, 138, 156, 169–170; aid 170; see also tend-and-befriend Fischer, Norman ​59 flexibility ​9, 18, 64, 98, 102, 134 flourishing (well-being) ​186 flow ​21, 28, 37; see also Csikszentmihalyi, Mihaly food ​29, 78, 94, 111, 115, 128, 130–133, 163, 176, 193, 205; eating mindfully 137; pantry volunteer 203; see also diet; gardening; Meals on Wheels forgetting ​125–126, 145, 163, 174, 203 forgiveness ​110, 139, 157, 173–176, 184, 206, 213; rewiring practice 175, 206, 215 Fox, George ​107; see also Religious Society of Friends (Quakers) Frank, Arthur ​152 Frank, Frank W. ​201 Frankl, Viktor ​57, 183–185, 217; see also Holocaust survival; Man’s Search for Meaning Franklin, Benjamin ​120, 122 Fredrickson, Barbara ​124 freedom ​84, 110, 118 Freud, Anna ​32–33 Freud, Sigmund ​49, 67, 217 Friedman, Howard ​104 friends ​38, 43, 45, 59, 95, 114, 117, 130, 133, 152, 170, 191; loss of, 48–49, 166, 171, 176, 188, 191, 213; imaginary 155; new 103; with oneself 35; value of 53, 70, 107, 110, 142, 164; from work 25, 63 Frost, Robert ​205 Frozen ​216 funeral/memorial ​165–166, 180, 218 Gandhi, Mahatma ​48, 108, 120, 140 gardening 2–3, 55, 60, 75, 97, 111–112, 118, 130, 135, 152, 195, 199, 209–210, 212, 218–219;

and brain 112; planning 111–112; see also food; Oudolf, Piet Gawande, Atul ​50, 192 Gay, Ross ​159, 199–200 Gee, E. Gordon ​20 Geist, Willie ​2 Gen X (generation) ​178 Generation Z ​5 generativity ​12, 143 genetics ​3, 73, 111, 115, 128, 130; see also APOE gene gerontology ​3 Gifford, Frank ​172 Gifford, Kathie Lee ​172 Ginsburg, Ruth Bader ​23 Giovanni, Nikki ​29 Global Council of Brain Health Studies ​114 goals ​29, 31 Goddard, John ​196 Godfrey-Smith, Peter ​74 Goldberg, Natalie ​63, 149–150 Golden, Claudia ​23 Goldman, Dana ​122 Goleman, Daniel ​55 Goodall, Jane ​211, 213 goodbye, definition of ​167 Google ​98; see also Ng, Andrew Gopnik, Alison ​60 Gordon, James ​138, 169 Gottman, John ​50; see also marriage Graham, Martha ​102 grandmother hypothesis ​115, 126 grandparents/grandchildren ​5, 9, 21, 26–27, 29, 37, 48, 58, 61, 85–86, 115, 152, 156, 159, 176, 214, 219 Grant, Adam ​86 Grant, William T. ​45 gratitude ​28, 42, 53, 83, 88–90, 117–118, 132, 142, 154, 159–160, 164–165, 168, 186, 190, 199, 214, 218; Gratitude Visit 190; journal 90–91, 142, 159–161, 190; as rewiring 160; see also emotions Gratton, Lynda ​122 Great Depression ​24, 45, 117, 144 Great Recession ​192 Greenleaf, Robert ​107–108; see also servant leadership Greer, Carl ​196 grief ​13, 19, 27, 50, 59, 62–63, 71–72, 82, 85– 90, 134, 151, 162, 164–172, 177, 180, 186–187, 194, 207; and forgiveness 175; moments of 88; saying goodbye 87, 167; theories of 88–89; see also death; emotions grit ​19, 21, 23, 55, 71, 90, 97–98, 104, 106, 156, 166, 183, 195, 205, 208, 212, 215, 218; definition of 19; sea turtle 20; see also Duckworth, Angela; growth-andgrit mindset; passion; perseverance/ persistence growth-and-grit mindset 22, 37, 48–49, 54,

256 Index 58, 62, 69, 75, 81, 86–88, 90, 92–93, 95–96, 98, 102, 104–105, 107, 114–115, 122, 143, 145, 168, 172, 180, 183, 187–188, 195, 200, 203, 205, 207–214, 216–217; see also grit; mindset, growth/fixed growth mindset ​3, 18–19, 21, 43; see also growth-and-grit mindset; mindset, growth/fixed Guengerich, the Rev. Galen ​218 guilt ​33, 88, 177 Habitat for Humanity ​24; see also Carter, Pres. Jimmy; Carter, Rosalynn; volunteering habits ​3, 34–35, 63, 91–92, 99, 126, 160, 189 Hafiz ​182 Hagestad, Gunhild ​24, 63 Haidt, Jonathon ​113 Halifax, Joan ​41 Hamilton ​2, 149; see also Miranda, LinManuel Hammerstein, Oscar, II ​219 Hanh, Thich Nhat ​38, 40; see also Buddhist teaching Hanson, Rick ​51 happiness ​14, 28, 33, 37, 42, 45, 47, 90, 117, 132, 141, 154, 172, 191, 204, 213; aid 190 Harari, Yuval Noah ​102 harassment ​97; see also abuse Harrison, Gavin ​204, 213 Harry Potter ​216 Harvard Study of Adult Development ​45 Hawke, Ethan ​219 Hawkes, Kristen ​115 Hawking, Stephen ​200 Hawkins, Louise ​80–81 Hazelden Betty Ford Foundation ​49 health ​1–2, 10–11, 20, 30, 37, 42, 45, 47, 53, 61, 76, 78, 85–86, 95, 104–105, 110–113, 119–120, 122–124, 130, 147–148, 151, 179, 186, 202, 207, 209, 214, 220; definition as wholeness 123; healing 90, 94, 129; inequality 122; insurance 96; see also longevity; mental health hearing ​30 heart attack ​173, 179, 194, 218; see also cardiovascular disease Heart Sutra, Buddhist ​59 Hebb, Herbert ​91 Heijer, Alexander den ​10 helping ​26, 52–53; altruism 54; see also caretaking heroin ​131 Heumann, Judy ​101 Hidden Figures ​216 Hildegard, Saint ​44 Hill, Clara ​191 Hippocrates ​130 hobbies ​26–28, 80, 125 Hollis, James ​63–64, 205, 213, 217

Holmes, Oliver Wendell, Jr. ​207, 209 Holocaust survival ​156–157, 183–184, 211, 217; see also Eger, Edith Eva; Frankl, Victor; Rendon, Michael; Veil, Simone Holt-Lunstad, Julianne ​178 Horner, Jack ​210 hospice ​41, 87–88, 133, 151, 165, 174, 177, 192, 194–195; see also caretaking; end-of-life; Ostaseski, Frank humor ​40, 64, 80, 94, 102, 114, 143, 164, 189, 195 hurt, humiliation ​49–51 Hyatt, Michael ​156 hypnotherapy ​65 I-It relating ​57–58; see also Buber, Martin I-Thou relating ​57–58; see also Buber, Martin identity ​22, 25, 57, 62–63, 78, 81, 83–86, 96–97, 100, 143, 146, 157, 210; crisis 92; “identity bridging” 92–94; loss of 14, 19, 82, 84, 87, 90, 92, 124, 172; and rewiring 11, 38, 147, 205 illness ​3, 9, 11, 13, 19, 24, 45–47, 60, 63–64, 67, 75, 87, 90. 101, 105, 115, 129, 131, 133, 151, 162, 164, 179, 188, 192, 195, 212; terminal 192; see also cancer imagination ​1, 31, 61, 65, 80, 153, 155–156, 158, 163, 173, 181, 183, 187, 215–216; see also visualization immigration ​6 independence ​57, 60–61, 71, 106, 110, 146, 179, 214; loss of ​164, 188; see also autonomy individuation ​68; see also Jung, Carl infertility ​13 infidelity ​174 inflammation ​62, 129 inheritance ​11 injuries ​134–135; see also falling inmates ​40–41 insecurity ​56, 63, 84, 88, 99, 151, 178; see also emotions; uncertainty “inspirement” ​2, 10, 81 Institute for the Future ​97 intelligence ​30, 74, 83, 92, 107, 188, 208; chimpanzee 211; crystalized 7, 76, 211; emotional 55, 94, 183; social 128; see also artificial intelligence intentions ​31, 35, 41, 139, 150, 159–160, 209 interdependence ​56–57, 69, 78, 94, 165, 179, 190, 206, 208, 210–211, 217–218 intergenerational influence ​6, 9, 10, 13, 25, 33, 45, 52–53, 65–66, 68, 70–71, 93, 97, 102, 104, 106, 108, 110–111, 121–122, 143, 148, 156–157, 159–160, 166, 186, 189, 192, 207, 214, 216, 220; see also Seventh Generation Internal Family Systems (IFS) ​32, 72–73, 77, 184; “exile,” manager, and (fire) fighter parts 73; see also psychotherapy; Schwartz, Richard intuition ​67, 76, 94



Index257

The Iron Lady ​216 isolation ​8, 54, 68, 84, 103, 179 It Takes a Child to Raise a Parent ​13, 144– 145; see also Johnston, Janis Clark It’s a Wonderful Life ​142, 144, 154; see also Bailey, George Jacobs, Hazell ​202 James, Henry ​77 James, William ​188, 206 Jansen, Gary ​77–78 jealousy ​196–197; see also emotions Jenkins, Jo Ann ​95 Jennings, Will ​210 “job-crafting” (calling) ​94 job loss ​11, 13–14, 63, 67, 69, 72, 82–84, 86–88, 114, 148, 172 job-sharing ​103; see also employment; parttime work Jobs, Steve ​99, 159–160 Johnson, Robert ​56 Johnson, Spencer ​106 Johnston, Janis Clark ​see ​ It Takes a Child to Raise a Parent; Midlife Maze: A Map to Recovery and Rediscovery After Loss; Personality Map Johnston, Kate ​139 Johnston Pandemic Survey ​2; questions 222 Johnston Retirement Survey ​2, 15, 25, 43, 46, 52, 69, 81–84, 101–102, 105, 107–108, 113, 116, 122–123, 148, 202, 205, 209, 213; questions 221 Jordan, Judith ​56 joy ​32–33, 44, 52, 59, 78, 117, 154, 164, 177, 195–196, 198, 200, 204, 208–209, 219–220; see also emotions Joyce, James ​50 Jung, Carl ​49, 56–57, 67–68, 72–73, 145–146, 216; see also individuation Kabat-Zinn, Jon ​138 Kassem, Suzy ​118 Katz, Lawrence ​23 Keltner, Dacher ​54 Kennedy, Pres. John F. ​45 Kessler, David ​88 Kettman, Susan ​115 Keyes, John Maynard ​193 kindness 77, 140, 177, 186–187, 191, 208–209; “survival of the kindest” 173; see also emotions; loving-kindness King, Martin Luther, Jr. ​48, 68, 108 Klinenberg, Eric ​179 Kondo, Marie ​117 Koo, Minkyung ​154 Kotb, Hoda ​172 Krippner, Stanley ​180 Kübler-Ross, Elisabeth ​88–89, 162, 166, 177 Kunitz, Stanley ​194 Kwik, Jim ​190

labor force ​6 Lacordaire, Jean-Baptise Henri ​218 LaDuke, Winona ​207 The Land Before Time ​210 Langer, Ellen ​21, 29, 120, 216 Larkin, Geri ​49, 60 Larson, Jonathan ​218; see also Rent, “Seasons of Love” laughter ​42, 215, 219 learning ​26, 53, 69, 86, 88–89, 96–97, 102, 104, 114, 125, 149, 160, 164, 210, 214; intergenerational 94; online 26–27, 86, 98, 114, 152; see also education, in retirement; problem-solving; rewiring legacy ​2–3, 5–7, 12, 14, 28, 37, 57, 66, 71, 84, 90, 97, 102, 106, 113, 143–147, 160, 162, 180, 191, 204, 206, 211, 216–217, 219–220; definition of 9–10; morals 159, 162; and values 108–109; in writing 148–149, 156– 159; see also backstories; legacy blessing; legacy burden legacy blessing ​5, 111, 143, 149, 157, 220; see also legacy; legacy burden legacy burden ​3, 5, 71, 213, 216, 220; see also legacy; legacy blessing Lennon, John ​203 Levine, Peter ​170 Levitin, Daniel ​136 Levy, Becky ​128 Lewis, C.S. ​171–172 Lewis, Sinclair ​184 Lief, Judy ​164 Lin, Master Chunyi ​132 The Lion King ​216 Lipton, Bruce ​35, 54, 64–65, 154 living choices ​48 Loftus, Elizabeth ​125 loneliness ​34, 42, 51, 67, 73, 87, 90, 105, 127, 133, 154, 177–179, 202, 205; British minister of loneliness 179 longevity ​104, 113, 130, 179; and health inequality 122; see also Blue Zones; health longitudinal research ​30, 34, 45, 97, 104–105, 113, 124, 128, 152, 215 Lord of the Rings ​216 Loren, Sophia ​112 love ​35, 41, 45–46, 49, 52, 58–59, 83, 89, 94, 109–110, 115, 139, 167–168, 171, 173–174, 183, 186, 194, 196, 200, 208, 214, 217, 219 Loverde, Joy ​53 loving-kindness ​138–139; see also kindness; meditation; passion Lowell, James Russell ​12 Luke, Helen ​215 Macy, Joanna ​167–168, 210 Magnusson, Margareta ​117 Mandela, Nelson ​22, 87, 108 Man’s Search for Meaning ​183; see also Frankl, Viktor

258 Index mantras ​139, 159, 174, 217 Manzano, Sonia ​180–181 marijuana ​131 marriage ​24, 27, 46–47, 53, 179; difficult 138, 183; end of 62, 151, 167, 171; researcher 50; see also divorce; Gottman, John Martin, Leslie ​104 Maslow, Abraham ​173 Mate, Gabor ​135 The Matrix ​216 McAdams, Dan ​143; redemption/ contamination stories 144, 186–187 McCain, John ​24, 180 McCartney, Paul ​203, 210 McConnell, Susan ​61, 72, 134 McDonald, Michelle ​66; see also Brach, Tara McEwen, Christian ​24, 118 McGonigal, Kelly ​133 McMillan, Terry ​95 Meals on Wheels ​25, 179; see also food meaning ​2, 26, 52, 82–84, 87–90, 92–94, 97, 99–102, 110, 119, 128, 145, 156, 162–163, 176, 183, 186, 188–189, 191, 203–205, 207–208, 213–215, 217–220; loss of 218; see also purpose medical care ​8 Medicare ​96, 122; costs 179 meditation ​8, 32–33, 44, 56, 94, 117, 124, 134, 137–139, 169, 172, 204; practice 139–140; see also breath, mindful; loving-kindness Mediterranean diet ​131; see also diet Mednick, Sara ​137 memoir writing ​2, 149, 152, 156–157, 162, 181, 214; see also writing memory ​5, 30, 49, 71, 73, 75–76, 125–126, 133–134, 137–138, 145, 159, 165, 181, 189, 210; enhancement 125, 215; and food 129, 131; and legacy construction 191; loss of 2, 12, 64–65, 68, 131, 208; and sleep 97, 136; and truth 155–158, 175 Mendeleev, Dmitri ​75 Mengele, Josef ​157 mental health ​45, 66, 104, 113, 122, 131, 133, 173, 179, 186; see also health mentoring ​93–94, 97, 106–108, 114, 152, 195 Merzenish, Michael ​8 MeToo movement ​187; see also activism/ social justice; Black Lives Matter midlife ​1–2, 6–7, 13, 45, 68, 93, 125, 135, 143, 158, 176; definition of 7; see also MIDUS (Midlife in the U.S.) Midlife Maze: A Map to Recovery and Rediscovery After Loss 13, 95; see also Johnston, Janis Clark MIDUS (Midlife in the U.S.) ​7, 124–125 millennials ​120, 178, 186 Miller, BJ ​170 mind, definition of ​215; see also personality; psyche, Greek definition of; soul

MIND diet ​131; see also diet; Morris, Martha Clare mindfulness ​116, 138 ; see also breath, mindful; present moment mindset, growth/fixed ​21, 23, 35, 37, 43, 65, 93–94, 96, 117, 132, 167, 187, 195, 209, 213; definition of 18; Mindset Management 94; see also Dweck, Carol; growth-and-grit mindset; growth mindset Miners, Rick ​203 Minuchin, Salvador ​72 Miranda, Lin-Manuel ​2, 108; see also Hamilton mirror neurons ​48, 54; see also brain miscarriage ​13, 72 Mitchell, Miriam Grace ​81 Modern Elder Academy ​94 Moen, Phyllis ​6, 94 Mohegan Native Americans ​57 money ​1, 2, 11, 24, 31, 35, 45, 54, 60, 69, 76, 78, 82–83, 85, 90–91, 98, 159, 179, 191, 212; financial exploitation 47; financial security/insecurity 46, 54, 81, 120–122 Moore, Thomas ​5, 12, 60, 94, 100, 160, 176, 196, 203 morals ​18, 32, 42, 154, 162, 204, 208–209; loss of 51, 218; see also values Moreno, Rita ​22 Morison, Robert ​25 Morris, Martha Clare ​131; see also MIND diet Moses, Anna Mary Robertson ​22 Moskowitz, Judith ​116 Mother Teresa ​108, 139 motivation ​14, 21, 102, 113, 115, 132; athletes 74 moving ​1, 14, 127, 189; decisions 214 Moyers ​184 Muir, John ​199 Murdock, Maureen ​217; see also family hero/heroine Murthy, Atty. Gen. Vivek ​179 music ​21, 75, 78, 89, 99–100, 105, 134, 138, 170, 187, 193, 198–199, 209–210, 212–213, 219; music-making 85, 95, 198–199, 215 myths ​14, 102, 132, 145–146, 180, 199, 216; see also archetypes napping tips ​136–137; see also sleep narrative exercises ​15; see also writing National Advisory Council on Alzheimer’s Research ​126: see also Sebelius, Kathleen National Alzheimer’s Project Act ​126; see also Obama, Pres. Barack National Geographic ​130 National Human Activity Pattern Survey ​ 199 National Institute on Aging ​130 National Institute of Health ​96 National Institute of Mental Health ​138



Index259

National Institute of Neurological Disorders and Stroke ​97 National Sleep Foundation ​136 natural disasters ​13, 168–170, 178, 187, 205 nature ​27, 52, 54–55, 59, 86, 110–112, 127, 143, 176, 182, 191, 199, 207, 209–211, 217–218; see also cooperation Navratilova, Martina ​135 needs ​63; see also basic needs unmet needs Neff, Kristin ​36 Neimeyer, Robert ​180 Nepo, Mark ​153 neuroplasticity ​97; see also brain, growth New School for Social Research ​6 Ng, Andrew ​98; see also Coursera Deep Learning; Google Nietzsche, Friedrich ​97 Nin, Anaïs ​178 Nixon, Pres. Richard ​22 Northrup, Christiane ​10, 35, 135 novel writing ​149, 155, 189, 212; see also writing novelty ​28, 99, 110, 114; see also brain, growth Nowlan, Alden ​174 Nye, Naomi Shihab ​193 Oates, Joyce Carol ​101 Oatley, Keith ​128 Obama, Pres. Barack ​126; see also National Alzheimer’s Project Act obesity ​126, 129, 178; see also overeating O’Brien, Ed ​47 O’Connor, Mary-Frances ​88–89, 168 Odbody, Clarence ​142 O’Donohue, John ​43, 188, 206, 218 O’Hanlon, Bill ​94–95 O’Keeffe, Georgia ​143, 196 Oldster, Kilroy ​158–159 Oliver, Mary ​59, 166, 191 Olsen, Maria Leonard ​117 On the Origin of Species ​173; see also Darwin, Charles On the Revolutions of the Heavenly Spheres ​ 210; see also Copernicus, Nicolaus opioids ​51, 131, 187; see also addictions; substance abuse optimism ​124 organ donation ​101 Ostaseski, Frank ​87, 177, 194–195; see also hospice “other-race-effect” ​20 Oudolf, Piet ​111–112; see also gardening, planning overeating ​73; see also addictions; obesity oxytocin ​61, 113, 143; see also tend-andbefriend pain ​52, 62 palliative care ​170–171, 174

Palmer, Parker ​170 Panas, Jerold ​112 pandemic ​2, 6, 19, 27–28, 42, 46, 53, 69, 85, 91, 111, 121, 124, 143, 149, 163–165, 168, 172, 186–188, 192, 202–205, 218; see also COVID Parker, Reverend Rebecca ​219 Parker, Sarah Jessica ​41; see also Sex in the City Parkinsonian dementia ​3, 114, 160 part-time work ​2, 6, 9, 38, 69, 81–84, 92–93, 103, 121; see also employment; job-sharing parts, personality ​19, 32–34, 36, 38, 44, 51, 54, 56, 60, 63–64, 67, 74, 76–77, 87, 91, 132, 144, 149, 151, 154–155, 168–169, 176–177, 184–186, 190, 195, 197–198, 203, 213; as burdens 71; in facial expression 42; as protectors 35, 72–73, 77, 86, 99, 153, 177, 184, 187, 197, 213; see also ego, differentiated from self-meanings; emotions; personality; roles; story-house passion, in aging ​1–2, 13, 15, 18–22, 30, 72, 80, 87, 90, 103–104, 118–119, 164, 204–207, 212, 214, 219; definition of 19, 21–22; desire 35, 46, 83; for learning 19, 97–99, 112; on lockdown 55, 57; self-passion 14, 32–33, 36–38, 41, 44–45, 51, 138–139, 187, 218; for work 81, 94, 111- 114, 172; see also compassion; grit; loving-kindness; perseverance/persistence Paul, Apostle ​184 Paul, Marilyn ​132 Pelosi, Nancy ​23 Peña, Amado Maurilio, Jr. ​52 Pennebaker, James ​147, 150 perseverance/persistence ​19, 215, 218; see also grit; passion personality 3, 8, 18, 145, 160, 165; definitions of 34, 183; growth of skillsets 13, 35, 18–19, 64, 202, 204–205, 210, 220; opposite parts 3, 69, 73, 77, 91, 110, 137, 146, 181, 195, 197; see also ability skillset, growth of; “Big Five” personality traits; emotions; mind, definition of; plasticity, personality; plots (story); psyche, Greek definition of; rewiring; soul; story-house; temperament Personality Map ​169; see also Johnston, Janis Clark Pert, Candace ​123 Peters, Sandi ​127, 193, 195 pets ​90, 127, 135, 179 Pew research ​12 Philbin, Regis ​172 physical activity ​65, 102, 104–105; importance of 123, 126, 129 physical decline ​3, 8, 26–27, 61, 105, 116, 123–124, 133, 160, 164, 193; and rewiring 162, 180, 204, 206 Picasso, Pablo ​101 Pillay, Srini ​54, 99 Pillemer, Karl ​83

260 Index Pink, Daniel ​189 Pinwheel Model of Bereavement ​89 Pioneer Network ​127 Pipher, Mary ​180 plasticity, personality ​34–35, 145; see also personality play ​73, 91, 98, 111, 215; games 125 Pliny ​216 plots (story) ​6, 10, 33, 58, 64–66, 69–70, 72–73, 77, 102, 113–114, 128, 142, 145–147, 153, 155, 162–163, 172, 180–181, 189, 198, 203, 207, 212, 217–220; see also personality; stories poetry writing ​149, 194, 212; influence of 198; see also writing Poincare, Henri ​75 Pollan, Michael ​130 Porges, Stephen ​42, 57 positivity ​30, 34–35, 44, 99, 125, 128, 133, 153–155, 181, 185–186, 205; co-experienced 204; optimism research 124; see also aging, successfully possibilities ​5–7, 9–11, 13–15, 22, 26, 32, 37–38, 54–55, 63–64, 68, 72–73, 81, 87–88, 93–95, 97–100, 102, 107–108, 114–115, 129, 131–132, 142–144, 147, 149, 155, 158–159, 164–165, 172–174, 177, 181–182, 188–189, 191, 193, 196–198, 200, 203–206, 210–211, 213, 215–220; definition of 10 Possibility Time exercises ​9–10, 38, 50–51, 76, 95–96, 112–113, 135–136, 139–140, 153–155, 158, 175–176, 189–190, 196–198, 215–217 Poulin, Michael, 53 poverty ​121–122, 208 prayer ​164, 172, 190; centering 138; see also present moment present moment ​5, 32–33, 36, 55–56, 59, 61, 66–67, 70, 116, 122, 137–138, 164, 172–173, 186, 191, 215; see also conscious/ subconscious; mindfulness; prayer prison ​186 Pro Bono Network ​52; pro bono work 26, 70, 97 problem-solving ​82, 139, 146, 208; see also learning; rewiring procrastination part ​31 psyche, Greek definition of ​215; see also butterfly (imagined soul); mind, definition of; personality; soul psychological growth ​2, 9 psychotherapy ​1, 13, 32, 63, 65, 72, 74, 95, 111, 147, 156, 169, 173, 183, 217; from writing 156; see also EMDR; Internal Family Systems purpose ​11, 13–14, 32, 42, 52, 78, 82, 84–85, 87, 89, 94, 101, 104, 107, 109, 111–112, 133, 138, 160, 196, 206, 219; and longevity 113: loss of 124, 177, 188; see also meaning Putnam, Robert ​178

qigong ​132, 134, 138 quantum physics ​29 Quindlen, Anna ​177 racism ​121, 208; see also Black Lives Matter; stereotypes Raegan administration ​22 Ragan, Lee-Anne ​98 Raihani, Nichola ​210 rape ​186; see also abuse Rathunde, Kevin ​21 reading ​26–28, 57, 70, 95, 111, 113, 125, 127– 128, 136, 149, 152, 162–164, 166, 196, 198, 212–213, 219 regret ​29, 33, 62, 94, 103, 207 relationships ​27, 32, 47, 54, 58, 76–78, 83, 93, 95, 103, 110, 172–173, 176, 186, 213–214, 218; difficulties/loss 42, 46–50, 55, 58, 62, 72, 86–88, 90, 172, 176, 212, 220; from work 85, 102–103 relaxation ​8, 31, 61, 137, 152; practice 169–170 religion 21, 32, 58, 76, 104, 107, 163, 165, 176, 182–183, 185–186, 191, 204, 209–211, 218; religious dance 199; see also spirituality Religious Society of Friends (Quakers) ​107– 108; see also Fox, George Remem, Rachel Noami ​101 Rendon, Jim ​156 Rendon, Michael ​156; see also Holocaust survival Rent, “Seasons of Love” ​218; see also Larson, Jonathan resilience ​3, 20, 28, 57, 83, 85–86, 89–90, 94, 104, 180–181 rest, importance of ​96–97 retire/rewire 1, 5, 8–9, 14, 18, 35, 54, 91, 96, 102, 108, 113, 115, 148, 218–220; see also rewire, definition of; rewiring retirement ​1, 2, 7; definition of 6–9; early 11; German age of 7; savings 120–121; see also parental retirement; retirement planning; semi-retired retirement planning ​1, 11, 20, 61, 63, 69–70, 82–83, 92, 104, 113, 120, 152, 205, 220; savings 83, 120–122; see also retirement Rewire Warm-Up exercises ​30–31, 43–44, 66–67, 90–91, 108–109, 132–133, 150–151, 168–170, 184–185, 206–207 rewiring ​30, 35, 38, 49, 51–52, 54–55, 61–64, 68–69, 73, 78, 83, 86–87, 90–92, 94, 99, 102, 114, 132, 137, 139, 144, 146–147, 155, 158–160, 162–163, 170, 172, 175, 177, 180–181, 185–190, 194–195, 199, 202–205, 207, 213, 216–217; definition of 8–9, 113; see also ability skillset growth; learning; personality, growth of skillsets; problem-solving; retire/rewire Richards, Ruth ​98 Riemersma, Jenna ​184 Rilke, Rainer Maria ​43, 150, 167–168



Index261

Rinpoche, Sogyal ​1 rite of passage, rituals ​7, 62, 84, 219 Rodgers, Richard ​219 Rogers, Fred ​77; see also Santomera, Angela Rogers, Kenny ​92 Rohr, Richard ​184, 205 role ​43–44; model 207; see also parts, personality role model ​3 Romanelli, David ​153 Rometty, Virginia ​203 Roosevelt, Pres. Franklin D. ​121; see also Social Security Rosenberg, Joan ​71 Ross, Diana ​210 Rovelli, Carlo ​29, 182 Rowling, J.K. ​1 Rumi ​139 Rush Memory and Aging Project ​128 Sacks, Oliver ​74–75, 156 sadness ​12, 73, 89, 142, 150, 154, 164–165, 172, 204; see also emotions safety ​28, 61, 110, 112 Sagan, Carl ​208, 218 Saint Hildegard ​44 St. Jerome ​193–194 Sandberg, Sheryl ​80 Santomero, Angela ​77; see also Rogers, Fred satisficing ​91; definition of 87; see also Simon, Herbert Schachtel, Rabbi Hyman ​117 Schlitz, Don ​92 Schlosberg, Nancy ​83 Schwartz, Richard ​32, 43, 56, 64, 71–73, 184; see also Internal Family Systems (IFS) Schwartz, Shalom ​109 Schwartz Center for Economic Policy Analysis ​6 Schweitzer, Albert ​189 Scott, Andrew ​122 Scott-Maxwell, Florida ​18 seasoned citizen, definition of ​2, 7 Sebelius, Kathleen ​126; see also National Advisory Council on Alzheimer’s Research secrets ​147–148, 157, 186, 212; see also sexual experiences, as trauma Sedlar, Jeri ​203 Segar, Michelle ​135 Seinfeld, Jerry ​117 Selassie, Sebene ​33 self-meanings ​14–15, 25, 31–32, 35, 37, 43–44, 48, 56–57, 61, 64, 69, 73, 89, 108, 113, 127, 146, 151, 171, 181–188, 195, 197, 203, 206, 213, 218–219; doubt 99; “False Self ” 184; Imago Dei (God Image) 184; self-leadership 56; self-territory 33, 67, 155, 194; True Self 184; see also attachment, secure 56; Ba, Egyptian; conscious/subconscious;

daimon, Greek; xquenda, Mexican Zapotec Seligman, Martin ​186, 190 semiretired ​1–2, 11, 26, 69–70, 81, 84, 92, 123, 214; see also employment; retirement Seneca the Younger ​113 senior moments ​126 servant leadership ​101, 106–107; see also Greenleaf, Robert Seventh Generation ​207; see also intergenerational influence Sex in the City ​41; see also Parker, Sarah Jessica sexism ​7, 10, 23, 80, 90, 97, 211–212; see also ageism; stereotypes sexual experience, as trauma 71, 147–148, 157, 177, 204; see also secrets Shaevitz, Morton ​108 Shakespeare, William ​34; see also As You Like It shaking ​31, 169; in rewiring 170 Shalala, Donna ​23 shame ​40, 88 Shapiro, Francine ​72–73, 217; see also EMDR Shields, Carol ​40 shootings, mass ​187 Siegel, Dan ​48, 142, 175 silence ​138, 170 Silkwood ​216 Simon, Herbert ​87; see also satisficing singing, song lyrics ​210, 215, 218–219 sleep ​55, 68, 70, 82, 95, 97, 120, 129, 134, 160; disorders 136; and memory 136; tips 134, 136, 169; see also napping tips Smith, Claire Bidwell ​88 Smith, L.C. “Buckshot” ​40–41 Smith, Rae ​202 smoking ​30, 54, 126–129, 178–179; see also addictions Snowdon, David ​152–153 Sobel, Andrew ​112 Social Security ​7, 121; see also Roosevelt, Pres. Franklin D. social status ​30, 45 Socrates ​47, 160 Solari-Twadell, Ann ​89 soldiers ​28, 61, 138, 156–157, 171, 187, 219 solitude ​93, 147, 150; as introspection 214 solo adults ​178–179 Sono, Zen master ​90 soul ​32, 127, 188, 210, 215, 218; soul searching 38; see also butterfly (imagined soul); mind, definition of; personality; psyche, Greek definition of The Sound of Music ​219 Spenser, Herbert ​173 Spider-Man ​216 spirit, sacred ​5, 32–33, 57, 127, 159, 173, 182, 185

262 Index spirituality ​37, 70, 76, 94, 104, 107, 110, 165, 171, 176–178, 183, 191, 218; see also religion sports ​21, 38, 56, 74, 81, 104, 135, 196, 215 Stanford Center on Longevity ​3, 122; see also Carstensen, Laura Star Wars ​216 Stavrova, Olga ​47 stereotypes ​20, 43, 80, 96, 128–129; see also ageism; racism; sexism Stern, Philip Van Doren ​142 Stewart, James ​142 stories ​5–6, 13, 33, 57, 71–73, 88, 101, 128, 142–143, 145–146, 153, 155–159, 162–163, 171–172, 177, 180, 187, 191, 196, 201, 203, 207, 209, 217–219; oral storytelling 5, 159–160, 162; Story Corps 216; see also plots (story) story-house personality ​7, 34, 64, 128, 144– 146, 157, 217–219; see also personality Strauch, Barbara ​79 stress ​35, 46–47, 51, 53–54, 61, 66, 72, 84–85, 98, 105, 109, 116, 124, 129, 133–138, 145, 148, 150, 154, 157, 170, 185–189, 193, 203; reduction of 31, 198 Stroh, Linda ​41 strokes ​115, 137, 166, 179, 202; music as aid 199 Strouse, Charles ​210 substance abuse ​187, 200; see also addictions; opioids suicide ​24, 45, 51, 157, 173, 194; hotline volunteer 202; see also death surgery ​19, 27 Sweet Honey in the Rock, 57; see also Barnwell, Ysaye Maria Szulc, Josef ​198 tai chi ​132, 134–135; see also balance, improvement of Taub, Shaina ​215 Taylor, the Rev. Alan ​172 Taylor, Jill Bolte ​66, 71 Taylor, Shelley ​61 technology devices ​46, 59; effects on sleep 136 temperament ​34, 66, 144; see also “Big Five” personality traits; extroversion/ introversion tend-and-befriend ​14, 59–62, 64, 66–69, 72–73, 75–78, 90–91, 102, 112, 132, 134, 137, 140, 159, 166, 170, 173, 179, 208–209, 211; see also fight-flight-freeze responses; oxytocin Terkel, Studs ​81, 165–166 Terman, Lewis ​104 testosterone ​61 Thomas, Frank ​156 Thoreau, Henry David ​83 Thurber, James ​90 time ​3, 6, 24–32, 37–38, 52–54, 62, 65, 69–70, 78, 81–83, 86, 91, 103–105, 114–115, 149–153, 168, 173, 184, 197–200, 202, 205, 207–208,

218–220; and dopamine 28; Father Time 28, 183; focused/unfocused 54, 85, 99; free 27, 46; for psychological growth 2, 8, 83, 93, 107, 109, 172, 214; running out of 1, 5, 85, 122–123, 177, 191, 193–196; “timeless” 218 Tippett, Krista ​168, 191, 211 Tobias, Ronald ​6, 146 traditions ​6 tragedy ​5–6, 58 transformation ​6, 49, 57, 60, 62, 81, 108, 118, 142–143, 146, 182; end-of-life 174, 195; “gerotranscendence” 205 transitioning ​1, 14, 18, 24, 48, 61–64, 69, 83–84, 87, 89–90, 93, 106–107, 143, 146, 158, 162, 172, 186, 202–203, 207, 211–212, 215, death, as final 163, 167 trauma ​10, 19, 46, 57–58, 73, 86, 91, 138–139, 144–145, 147–148, 156–157, 163–164, 169– 170, 173, 186, 205; post-traumatic growth 156–157, 186, 204–205; post-traumatic stress 157, 205 travel ​28, 32, 37, 69, 152, 214 tuberculosis ​45 Tutu, Archbishop Desmond ​175 Tutu, Mpho ​175 Ulanov, Ann Belford ​36 uncertainty ​54, 63, 93, 127, 187–188, 207, 215; see also insecure unconscious ​43, 67, 164, 167; see also conscious/subconscious UnitedHealth Group, “Doing Good Is Good for You” ​105 UN’s “State of the World’s Volunteerism Report” ​105 U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics ​121 University of Michigan’s Health and Retirement Study ​47, 128 University of Minnesota Advanced Careers Initiative ​94 unmet needs ​49, 63, 147; see also basic needs Upanishads, Hinduism Sanskrit tests ​138, 217 Vaillant, George ​45 values ​25, 52, 54, 76, 89, 108–113, 142, 151, 158, 202, 206–208, 214, 218; definition of 110; see also morals van der Kolk, Bessel ​145, 170 van Gogh, Vincent ​92 Van Susteren, Lise ​186–187 vasopressin ​61 Veil, Simone ​211, 213 Verlaine, Paul ​198 veterans ​28, 45, 106, 171, 180 visualization ​31, 138, 169; see also imagination Voltaire ​47 volunteering ​2, 14, 25–27, 37, 52–53, 63, 69–70, 76, 84–86, 92, 94, 100–107, 111–115,



Index263

118, 123, 151–152, 171, 202–203, 214; see also Habitat for Humanity von Goethe, Johann Wolfgang ​202 von Hippel, William ​33 Vonnegut, Kurt ​80 Wagner, Richard ​75 Waldinger, Robert ​45 Waldman, Mark ​31, 109 walking ​28, 100, 135, 199 war ​61, 138, 156–157, 169, 171–172, 178, 183, 187, 195, 211; prisoner-of-war 180 Waters, Maxine ​23 Watts, Alan ​215 Waytz, Adam ​101 Weave—The Social Fabric Project ​51, 102 Weil, Simone ​123 Welles, Orson ​172 Westheimer, Ruth ​18 Whalen, Sammuel ​21 Wharton, Edith ​162, 212–213 White, Dana ​118 White, Elizabeth ​121 White, Michael ​147 widow/widower ​160, 164, 172, 178; statistics 180 Williams, Niall ​142 wills, legal ​206; ethical 206–207 Wilson, the Rev. Clarence H. ​209 Wilson, Timothy ​156 Winfrey, Oprah ​17, 40, 164, 203; The Oprah Winfrey Show 95, 185 wisdom ​2–3, 7–8, 32, 36–37, 44, 57, 59, 70, 76,

87, 92, 106, 110, 113, 115, 120, 153, 173, 191, 206, 208, 210–211, 215, 220 Wonder Woman ​216 The Wonderful Wizard of Oz ​187–188; see also Baum, Frank Wooden, John ​22 Woolf, Virginia ​157, 173 worry ​44, 60, 99, 112, 126–127, 129, 151; see also anxiety/anxious; emotions Wright, Frank Lloyd ​86 wrinkles ​22–23, 31, 41, 68, 183, 191, 215 writing ​9, 12–13, 27, 37–38, 70, 78, 95, 97, 114, 116, 125, 145, 147–149, 158–160, 165, 169, 183, 198, 212–213; as rewiring 148, 150–155, 161, 189, 195, 202, 207, 213, 216, 219; see also memoir writing; narrative exercises; novel writing; poetry writing Wrzesniewski, Amy ​94 xquenda, Mexican Zapotec ​32; see also selfmeanings Yanni ​37 yoga ​81, 94, 134–135, 138, 163; and grief 134; see also balance, improvement of Yousafzai, Malala ​108 Zak, Paul ​142 Zeldin, Theodore ​59 Zirinsky, Susan ​22 Zoom ​27–28, 53, 85, 95, 143, 149, 165 Zoomer (Gen Z) generation ​5, 82, 85, 105, 178, 186