The Seven Core Issues Workbook for Parents of Traumatized Children and Teens 9781787756694, 9781787756700, 1787756696

Citation preview

“This thoughtful, experiential workbook is a must for every foster, kinship and adoptive parent. With a deep understanding of the core issues that you and your child face, the authors compassionately guide you on a personal and empowering journey to understand yourself as the way to understand, parent, and meet the needs of your child. This is an incredible, user-friendly book that will help you deal with the ‘hard stuff’ and come out a winner. It will open your eyes, touch you deeply, and change your life and the life of your child and family. So buckle-up, get a little vulnerable, and embrace this self-reflective journey.” — Jill Stowell, author and Executive Director and founder, Stowell Learning Centers “This workbook is profound! I couldn’t stop reading it and doing the exercises. Thank you, Sharon and Allison, for your amazing insight and understanding of the issues facing our parents. This is an invaluable resource for organizations helping to support kinship, foster and adoptive parents. If I could, I would gift this workbook to every single parent who is parenting a child with loss and trauma.” — Mary M.McGowan, Executive Director of ATTACh “All children need is love. It should be easy for parents to give & for children to accept, unfortunately not for traumatized children. After reading the book Seven Core Issues in Adoption and Permanency I had a much better understanding of the core issues. The handbook helped me walk through the issues and build a clear picture that enables me to manage issues better.” — Benny Saville, adoptive father, Chairman, Mishpachta the Israeli adoptive community “Thank you so much for the opportunity to read and comment on this incredible workbook. The authors have written a document that can help all parents as they seek to better parent their children, regardless of how each of those children joined their family. This content of the workbook will facilitate many avenues for parents and youth and older children to best use and understand the content—individual learning, informal group discussions and leader led instruction. Magnificent!” — Irene Clements, adoptive and foster parent, past E ­ xecutive ­Director of the National Foster Parent Association

The Seven Core Issues Workbook for Parents of Traumatized Children and Teens

from the author Seven Core Issues in Adoption and Permanency A Comprehensive Guide to Promoting Understanding and Healing in Adoption, Foster Care, Kinship Families and Third Party Reproduction

Sharon Roszia and Allison Davis Maxon Foreword by Deborah N. Silverstein, MSW ISBN 978 1 78592 823 9 eISBN 978 1 78450 930 9

of related interest The A–Z of Survival Strategies for Therapeutic Parents From Chaos to Cake

Sarah Naish Illustrated by Kath Grimshaw ISBN 978 1 83997 172 3 eISBN 978 1 83997 173 0

The A–Z of Therapeutic Parenting Strategies and Solutions

Sarah Naish ISBN 978 1 78592 376 0 eISBN 978 1 78450 732 9

Therapeutic Parenting Essentials Moving from Trauma to Trust

Sarah Naish, Sarah Dillon and Jane Mitchell ISBN 978 1 78775 503 1 eISBN 978 1 78775 032 6

Superparenting!

Boost Your Therapeutic Parenting Through 10 Transformative Steps

Dr Amber Elliot Foreword by Sally Donovan ISBN 978 1 78592 095 0 eISBN 978 1 78450 357 4

A Tiny Spark of Hope

Healing Childhood Trauma in Adulthood

Kim S. Golding and Alexia Jones Foreword by Daniel A. Hughes ISBN 978 1 78775 431 7 eISBN 978 1 78775 432 4

The Unofficial Guide to Therapeutic Parenting The Teen Years

Sally Donovan Foreword by Vivien Norris ISBN 978 1 78592 174 2 eISBN 978 1 78450 444 1

The Seven Core Issues Workbook for Parents of Traumatized Children and Teens A Guide to Help You Explore Feelings and Overcome Emotional Challenges in Your Family

ALLISON DAVIS MAXON and SHARON KAPLAN ROSZIA

First published in Great Britain in 2022 by Jessica Kingsley Publishers An imprint of Hodder & Stoughton Ltd An Hachette Company 1 Copyright © Allison Davis Maxon and Sharon Kaplan Roszia 2022 The right of Allison Davis Maxon and Sharon Kaplan Roszia to be identified as the Author of the Work has been asserted by them in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988. All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means without the prior written permission of the publisher, nor be otherwise circulated in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without a similar condition being imposed on the subsequent purchaser. A CIP catalogue record for this title is available from the British Library and the Library of Congress ISBN 978 1 78775 669 4 eISBN 978 1 78775 670 0 Printed and bound in Great Britain by CPI Group Jessica Kingsley Publishers’ policy is to use papers that are natural, renewable and recyclable products and made from wood grown in sustainable forests. The logging and manufacturing processes are expected to conform to the environmental regulations of the country of origin. Jessica Kingsley Publishers Carmelite House 50 Victoria Embankment London EC4Y 0DZ www.jkp.com

Contents Introduction . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 13 1. Loss . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 25 The Myths in Adoption, Foster Care and Kinship . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 26 Life Loss History Questionnaire . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 27 My Loss History Timeline . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 29 My Loss History Timeline Activity . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 30 Four Kinds of Losses . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 31 Core Losses Impact the Mind, Heart and Body . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 34 Core Losses and the Mind . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 35 Core Losses and the Heart . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 36 Core Losses and the Body . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 37 My Beliefs About Parenting . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 44 My Fantasy of Me as a Parent . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 45 Journey to Becoming a Family . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 46 My Sensory Profile . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 50 My Shadow Self . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 51 Managing My Emotional Triggers . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 53 The Power of Our Attention . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 54 Flowers vs. Weeds . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 56 My Child’s Sensory Profile . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 57

My Child’s Sensory Triggers . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 59 My Sensory Trigger Plan . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 61 Loss: My Key Points List . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 62 2. Rejection . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 63 Attachment and Relational Self-Survey . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 65 My Feeling Garden . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 67 My Attachment Questionnaire . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 68 Attachment: Purpose and How it Helps the Child . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 71 Patterns of Parent-Child Attachment . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 72 Attachment: Our Internal Working Model . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 73 My Internal Working Model . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 74 Attachment Disruptions and the Internal Working Model . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 75 Circles of Belonging . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 76 Rejection Hurts! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 77 My Worry Bubble . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 79 Rejection and My Emotions . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 80 Rejection in Adoption and Permanency . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 81 Rejection Impacts the Mind, Heart and Body . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 82 Cycle of Rejection . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 83 Rejection: Words Matter! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 84 Rejection and My Child . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 85 Adoption and Permanency Positive Language . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 86 Rejection: My Key Points List . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 87 3. Shame and Guilt . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 89 Shame Impacts the Mind, Heart and Body . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 91 De-Shaming My Mind . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 92

Shame in My Heart . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 93 Shame and My Body . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 94 Growing Up in My Family . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 95 The Two Ss . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 96 What Happens in Childhood Doesn’t Stay in Childhood! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 99 Facts About ACEs . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 101 Adverse Child Experiences . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 102 Finding Your ACE Score . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 103 My ACE Story . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 105 What to do With All That STRESS! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 108 Good Stress vs Bad Stress . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 110 Self-Esteem Beliefs . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 111 Guilt and Shame in the Parenting Game . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 112 Four Ingredients of Self-Esteem . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 113 Connectiveness Questionnaire . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 114 Uniqueness Questionnaire . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 116 Power Questionnaire . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 118 Role Models Questionnaire . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 120 Liking Myself . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 122 Radical Self-Acceptance . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 124 Shame and Guilt: My Key Points List . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 125 4. Grief . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 127 Myths About Grief . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 129 My Grief Questionnaire . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 130 Grief in My Mind, Heart and Body . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 133 Grief and My Mind . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 134

Grief and My Heart . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 135 Grief and My Body . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 136 Grief Is Messy! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 137 Grief and My Family . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 138 Grief in Adoption, Foster Care and Kinship . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 139 The Attachment Pyramid and Grief . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 141 The Gifts of a Secure Attachment . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 141 Childhood Trauma and ­Attachment Disruptions . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 142 Grief and the Story of Adoption . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 143 Parenting Triggers and Responses . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 144 Grief and the Spectrum of Human Intelligences . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 145 What is Emotional Intelligence? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 146 My EQ . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 147 The Language of Emotion . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 148 If Feelings Could Talk . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 149 My Angry Volcano . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 150 Activities to Discharge Pain and Grief . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 151 Grief and My Child’s Story of Adoption . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 152 Healing My Parenting Ouches . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 153 Forgiving Myself . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 154 Welcoming a Child into My Heart . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 156 Grief: My Key Points List . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 158 5. Identity . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 159 My Identity Questionnaire . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 161 The Self as a House! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 164 My Parental Identity . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 166

Infertility and Identity . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 168 Identity: Pieces of the Puzzle . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 170 One Amazing Child! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 172 Identity, Diversity and Adoption . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 173 How Diverse Is My World? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 174 Identity and White ­Privilege Questionnaire . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 175 Building Racial and Ethnic Identity . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 178 Family Storytelling . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 179 A Parents’ Guide to Difficult Conversations . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 180 Identity: My Key Points List . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 182 6. Intimacy . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 183 My Intimacy Questionnaire . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 185 The Different Kinds of Intimacy . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 188 Intimacy and My Mind, Heart and Body . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 189 Intimacy and My Mind . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 190 Intimacy and My Heart . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 191 Intimacy and My Body . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 192 My Communication Plan . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 193 What Am I REALLY Trying to Communicate? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 194 Guidelines for Improving Communication . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 195 Where Did the Intimacy Go? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 196 Single Parenting and Intimacy . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 199 Parenting and Communication . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 202 Parenting Chart to Strengthen Emotional Intimacy . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 204 Intimacy Opportunities and ­Barriers in the Constellation . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 206 Intimacy and Being Adopted . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 209

Exploring Parenting Curve Balls . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 211 Tips to talk about the tough stuff . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 214 Intimacy: My Key Points List . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 215 7. Mastery and Control . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 217 My Mastery and Control Questionnaire . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 219 Losses and Control . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 222 Weighing the Pros and Cons of Control . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 224 Why I Fight for CONTROL! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 225 To Control or Not to Control! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 226 My Thoughts and Feelings Log . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 227 Seven Core Issues Stuck in Control! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 228 What’s Your Zone? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 233 Four Steps to Mastery . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 236 Mastery and the Seven Core Issues . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 238 Forgiveness and the Core Issues . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 242 The Gifts of Forgiveness . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 244 Mastery and Mindful Parenting . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 245 What Openness in Adoption Means . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 246 Ten Things Your Child Needs to Hear from YOU . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 249 Five Stages of Parenting . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 250 Your Gains from the Journey . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 252 Mastery and Control: My Key Points List . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 253 Congratulations to YOU! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 254 About the Authors . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 255

INTRODUCTION WE CANNOT HEAL WHAT WE CANNOT ACKNOWLEDGE This workbook is designed to assist parents in examining and understanding their own core issues, attachment experiences and history of loss and trauma as a way to gain insight, self-awareness and tools to parent a child with trauma/loss. The majority of people in our culture were not raised in a family where adoption, foster care or kinship care was the norm. Few people imagine that they will be infertile, lose a child or grow up in another family. People generally have a vision for how they think their life will unfold. When shifting into a parenting role that includes adoption, foster and kinship there are additional developmental milestones and complex tasks that need to be understood and addressed. This workbook helps parents, and prospective parents, understand and address their core issues and the important role they commit to when parenting a child not born to them who has a history of loss and trauma. Parents are invited to explore their strengths, challenges, thoughts and feelings through a series of activities. May this journey strengthen your ability to claim, love and attune to your child’s unique needs, growth and healing process.

Parents’ Journey

13

THE SEVEN CORE ISSUES WORKBOOK FOR PARENTS OF TRAUMATIZED CHILDREN AND TEENS

Child’s Journey

This workbook has been created as a companion to our book Seven Core Issues in Adoption and Permanency: A Guide to Promoting Understanding and Healing in Adoption, Foster Care, Kinship Families and Third Party Reproduction. The book is an in-depth exploration of the lifelong, intergenerational impact on those individuals who experience adoption and permanency. The Seven Core Issues in adoption and permanency include loss, rejection, shame/guilt, grief, identity, intimacy and mastery/control. This book aims to address the truth in this area, both the pain and the gain. The Seven Core Issues are present in all forms of permanency, including infant adoptions, older child adoptions, kinship or guardianship families, foster families, step-families, third party reproduction such as surrogacy and donor insemination, and in both open and closed adoptions. The presence of these issues does not indicate that either the individual or the family formed through adoption or permanency is abnormal, “less than,” broken, damaged or wrong. Rather, these are additional and expected emotions and challenges which evolve logically out of the experience of adoption and permanency. These issues can create intense feelings in the lives of young people and families that must be acknowledged and addressed in order for healthy belonging, identity and attachments to occur. A parent’s understanding of the Seven Core Issues enables them to better address the complex challenges and feelings their child may experience throughout various stages of development. Acknowledging and understanding the complex losses and issues connected to these forms of family building allows for the experience of trust, love and joy that all individuals and families deserve. It has been a part of our culture narrative to put a positive spin on adoption and wrap it in a nice bow. Children often hear how “lucky” they are to have been adopted or “chosen.” Parents often focus on the gains in adoption and may have difficulty exploring their own losses, talking to their child about why they were adopted or exploring the child’s feelings about their birth/first

14

Introduction

family. Parents may feel isolated in their experience of being a non-traditional family in a society that does not understand the complexities, strengths and challenges that come with parenting a child with a history of loss, trauma or neglect. 

LOSS Loss begins the journey. It is crisis and/or trauma that creates the circumstances that lead to the necessity of adoption and permanency. The crises of an unplanned pregnancy, rape, incest, poverty, addiction, divorce, mental illness and war, or a country’s crisis that results in refugees, natural disasters, epidemics and cultural biases, all lead to the displacement of children. The Seven Core Issues in adoption and permanency are created through the disassembling and creating of a new family system. Loss is the unifying issue that binds the members of this constellation together. For birth/first parents, adoptive/foster/kinship parents, and people who are adopted, involvement with adoption/permanency is typically associated with an initial loss and many secondary losses that continue to affect constellation members throughout their lives. There are ambiguous losses that impact all members of the constellation which are vague and may be described as a feeling of distress and confusion about people who are physically absent but psychologically and emotionally present in their lives. For birth/first parents, adoption and permanency means the loss of a child whom they may never see again, and the loss of their parenting role. Adoptive parents may have experienced the loss of not giving birth to a particular child, failed fertility treatments, and dreams of raising a child with whom they are genetically connected. People who are adopted lose their birth/first families, and siblings, grandparents, aunts and uncles and cousins. They may lose cultural, racial and ethnic connections and their language of origin. If they are adopted as older children, they may also lose friends, foster families, pets, schools, neighborhoods and familiar surroundings. Losses for constellation members may include: • • • • • • •

A family member; several family trees are permanently altered. The loss of their familial tree, which includes a history, culture and lineage. Vital physical, genetic, mental health and historical information. Safety, love and protection of birth/first parents. Societal status and being part of the norm. Their original role in somebody’s life. Control and power over their life’s circumstances.

REJECTION Constellation members’ core losses are most often experienced as a form of social rejection. Rejection is a perceived loss of social acceptance, group inclusion or a sense of belonging. Rejection can be real, imagined or implied. People get their most basic needs met through human

15

THE SEVEN CORE ISSUES WORKBOOK FOR PARENTS OF TRAUMATIZED CHILDREN AND TEENS

connectedness; being rejected or ostracized from a person, family or community can leave an individual feeling a deep sense of abandonment and isolation. People describe feelings of unworthiness, being of little value, and having a fear of future rejection. Constellation members may personalize their core losses in order to gain a deeper understanding about what happened to them and what role they may have played in those events. In an unconscious attempt to avoid future losses and to regain control of their life’s journey, the individual may assume the responsibility for the loss, believing that, if the rejection was their fault, then they can change or act differently and avoid future rejection. Rejection is felt in a person’s body as discomfort and physical pain. Feelings of rejection may include: • • • • •

Increased sensitivity to any further rejection, large or small. Subsequent losses being experienced as rejection. Asking questions such as “Why me?” or “What did I do or not do to deserve this?” Believing the crisis was their fault due to ego-centric thinking. Feeling judged, unwanted, different, “less than”, or “not good enough.”

Constellation members may anticipate rejection, provoke rejection and/or defend against further rejection.

SHAME AND GUILT Rejection leads to feelings of shame and guilt. Shame and guilt impact an individual’s self-esteem and self-worth and may create anxiety. Shame is maladaptive, while guilt is generally an adaptive emotion. Shame relates to self, guilt to others. Shame is the painful feeling that one is bad and undeserving of deep connections and happiness. Guilt is a feeling of responsibility or remorse for some offense, crime or wrong, whether real or imagined. Shame is about “being” (I’m bad) and guilt is about “doing” (I did something bad). When shame is intensely experienced from infancy through the formative years, an inner critic is developed that creates a negative or harsh view of the self, caretakers and the world. Shame greatly impacts self-esteem. Shame leaves a person believing that their core self is “less worthy” than other people. These beliefs increase anxiety and may lead to defensive behaviors. Shame and guilt discourage people from thinking of themselves in a constructive or positive way. This can limit individuals from loving and receiving love, as they do not feel worthy. Guilt develops from our earliest parent-child attachment experiences. Guilt is a learned social emotion. Consistent, secure and healthy primary attachment relationships allow a child to experience and internalize the attachment figures’ values and beliefs on which a conscience develops. The conscience allows for guilt to be felt and develops as the child internalizes the primary attachment figures’ voices, actions and images, which are subsequently carried within an individual for the rest of their lives. Family members, religious institutions and societal expectations have long created shame and

16

Introduction

guilt that impact birth/first parents and extended family. Adoptive, foster and kinship parents can also experience shame and guilt from those same sources. Children impacted by foster, adoption and kinship caregiving often experience ongoing shame and guilt as their understanding of what happened to them unfolds developmentally over time. Shame and guilt have long been created by the secrecy attached to adoption and permanency. Secrecy has been used as an element of control over constellation members in the name of privacy. Constellation members may experience shame and guilt when: • • • • • •

attachments have been broken relational trauma, violence, abuse and neglect occur stigmatizing words and labels are used parents withhold important information from the child/teen/adult people are lied to, manipulated and coerced, or important information is withheld professionals and “systems of care” criticize or demean (intentionally or unintentionally).

GRIEF The profound losses that created feelings or fears of rejection, which led to the emotions of shame and guilt, must be grieved. Adoption and permanency losses are too often left unnamed, unacknowledged and un-grieved. The losses may be difficult to acknowledge and mourn in a society where these forms of family building are seen as problem-solving events that benefit everyone. The culture perceives these families being formed as a solution to several individuals’ problems: a child needs a family, a parent can no longer parent and new parents are created. This may be perceived as a “gain” for everyone, rather than an event to which loss is integral. Because of this point of view, it may be difficult to accept, discuss and express the emotions connected to grief. Acknowledging loss and making room for the “work of grief” is essential to any healing process. In today’s culture, there are few models for healthy grieving. People live in a “quick-fix” society where individuals are expected to get over things rapidly and simply move on. Children are not taught how to cope with loss. Grieving is important because it allows people to speak their truth and express their feelings. Grief is universal. However, it is experienced as a personal and highly individual process. A person’s grief process depends on many factors, including: personality, gender, culture, temperament, religious and/or spiritual beliefs, coping styles, life experiences, the age the loss occurred, the nature of the loss and an individual’s support system. Everyone grieves according to their own timeline and in their own way. There is no recipe or prescription to shorten the process or make the suffering go away. It illuminates a truth in an individual’s life. Grief is about acceptance, patience, adaptation, forgiveness and endurance; it changes you. Grief for constellation members is complex as they have experienced a profound loss that changed the trajectory of their lives. In the re-arranging of family trees through adoption and permanency, parents are grieving unborn children, children are grieving as their understanding

17

THE SEVEN CORE ISSUES WORKBOOK FOR PARENTS OF TRAUMATIZED CHILDREN AND TEENS

of what happened to them unfolds, and birth/first parents are grieving the loss of their baby/ child that they hope is alive and well. Constellation members may experience grief when: • • • • • • •

the original separation occurs anniversaries of the loss or crisis occur subsequent losses that require more adaptation occur someone asks a question that triggers the feelings of loss memories surface in connection to the crisis, loss or person lost a child/teen’s understanding of adoption and their story unfolds search and reunion occur.

IDENTITY If constellation members have acknowledged and identified their losses, examined feelings or fears of rejection, become aware of any issues connected to shame and guilt, and addressed their grief process, they have the opportunity to build a cohesive identity that includes their adoption and permanency status. As a life-altering event, adoption/permanency affects an individual’s identity. The pursuit for self-identity is at the heart of the human journey. All individuals are on a quest to understand who they are and where they fit in, and to share their stories with others to better understand themselves. Stories that are broken due to historical or personal events can make it difficult for people to understand and express who they are and solidify their life’s narrative. Identity formation begins in childhood and moves to the forefront during the teenage years. Gaps in identity may be more pronounced when a child starts school or has a family-oriented classroom assignment (e.g., creating a family tree). If you are adopted, you may have experienced adoption-related identity issues throughout your life and you may feel that your identity is incomplete, as if you are missing some pieces to your puzzle. Your birth/first parents are your genetic parents, but they aren’t parenting you. You were born into one family and became part of another family from whom you learned values, religions, traditions, family stories and views of the world. If you were adopted and lack genetic, medical, religious, cultural, ethnic, racial and other historical information about your birth/first family, you may want answers to questions that would help form your identity, such as why your birth/first parents placed you, what became of those parents, if you have siblings, and whether you resemble your birth/first parents or extended family. Adoptive, foster and kinship parents may not feel like the “real” parents or feel entitled to be the “real” parents. Birth/first parents may be unsure of their role in their child’s life since they are not actively parenting the child day to day. People who were parents are no longer the “everyday parents,” and people who did not give birth become “everyday parents.”

18

Introduction

The losses in adoption and permanency create complexities and additional tasks for all constellation members that need to be addressed in order to achieve a healthy identity. Constellation members may experience identity issues when: • • • • • • • •

tweens and teens are forming their identity children feel insecure or angry and say, “You’re not my real mother/father” search and reunion occur personal or intrusive questions are asked medical issues arise people ask, “Are those your real children?” “Are those your real parents?” people ask the birth/first parent, “How many children do you have?” birthdays, Mother’s Day and Father’s Day create questions about family connections.

INTIMACY Intimacy requires an individual to know who they are and what they need in relationships and believe that they have value. Individuals’ most primary motivation is the drive to belong and learn how to get their emotional needs met through human connections. Intimate attachments provide the network through which all social, emotional, physical and psychological needs get met. Intimate attachment relationships require trust, respect, acceptance, empathy and reciprocity. If individuals have acknowledged their core losses, noted where, when and with whom rejection surfaces, addressed feelings of shame and guilt, taken time to grieve, and have embraced their identity, they are able to offer an authentic self in an intimate relationship. Identity and intimacy are linked; as a person clarifies and re-clarifies who they are, their ability to relate to others, forgive others, embrace others and trust others is enhanced. If the earlier core issues have not been addressed, an individual may not know themselves well enough to know what they “really need” or what they have to offer the other person in an emotionally intimate relationship. All constellation members have been impacted by a core loss that changed their identity, which may lead to intimacy challenges. Constellation members may experience intimacy challenges when: • • • • • •

they have experienced relational trauma, multiple moves, and attachment disruptions they have experienced abuse, violence and neglect an adoptee lacks genetic, ethnic and racial mirroring they lose an intimate connection to a child they were parenting they lose an intimate relationship with a partner and/or family members the crisis of infertility, invasive medical procedures and sex on demand in order to conceive impacts a couple’s sexuality and their relationship • professionals and the courts intrude into a person’s most intimate and personal decisions • people ask intrusive questions about infertility, their child’s story or the loss of their children.

19

THE SEVEN CORE ISSUES WORKBOOK FOR PARENTS OF TRAUMATIZED CHILDREN AND TEENS

MASTERY AND CONTROL All of the unidentified, unnamed, unacknowledged and un-grieved losses can create intense feelings of powerlessness and loss of control. Mastery over their life circumstances has been lost at some point by all members of the constellation. Everyone lost some power and control because of a life crisis, with the infant/child losing the most as they had no input into the decision that changed their life trajectory. For adoptees, the early loss of control that moved them from one family tree to another resulted in the ultimate loss of power and control. Traumatic losses and multiple attachment disruptions are a repeated assault on a person’s need to feel empowered, secure, valued and connected. The desire for power and control over one’s life unfolds through each stage of development and throughout adulthood. Human beings need to feel in control to feel secure. The loss of control can have a long-term impact on constellation members. Birth/first parents may emerge from the adoption/permanency process feeling victimized and powerless. Adoptive/permanency parents have lost control of over when, how and whom to parent. Adoptees and children in foster care had no choice about being adopted or fostered and must cope with the haphazard nature of how they joined their particular family. They may wonder, with all the families in the country that are looking to adopt or foster, “How did I end up in this family?” The ultimate goal for all members of the constellation is mastery, which is a regaining of power and control over one’s life. Every human being needs to feel powerful. Power is a strong component of resilience. Feeling empowered gives a person the ability to have an effect on others, feel that they have authority and rights, be hopeful and create change. Mastery is a hard-earned proficiency. The achievement of mastery in various aspects of one’s life is a process, a journey, which includes adapting, learning, self-awareness and forgiving. Constellation members may experience a loss of power and control when: • major life decisions about who will parent the child are made by courts, social workers and others • infertility, genetic factors and life circumstances force a decision whether or not to parent and how to become a parent • the courts terminate parental rights • an infant/child/teen is repeatedly moved from place to place • a new birth certificate is issued and the child’s name and birth information is changed. Constellation members gain a sense of mastery when: • • • • •

their own core issues are acknowledged and addressed they can identify their strengths, needs and value to themselves and others they clarify what they were able to control and not control they can forgive themselves and others for decisions/mistakes that were made they can acknowledge other constellation members’ losses, challenges and pain

20

Introduction

• they clarify the lessons that they have learned and take the time to celebrate their accomplishments, resiliency, strengths and gains. The Seven Core Issues in adoption and permanency trigger such depth of emotions that we recognize that there is no way to put into words the feelings that all constellation members experience over time and no words that truly reflect each individual constellation member’s unique experience.

SEVEN CORE ISSUES, ATTACHMENT AND TRAUMA

ach Att

ma

Constellation members

u Tra

me

nt

Constellation members experience the complex interplay between the Seven Core Issues, attachment and trauma on both individuals and family members’ development.

Seven Core Issues in adoption and permanency

Figure I.1 Constellation members are touched by the Seven Core Issues in adoption and permanency, attachment and trauma Copyright: Sharon Kaplan Roszia and Allison Davis Maxon 2019

Attachment Attachment is the building of a relationship through connection and trust. The primary attachment caregiver is the first relationship that every person experiences as a prenate/infant/child. It is on this original attachment dancefloor that the infant/child learns how to get their most basic developmental and emotional needs met through human connectedness. It is our emotions that connect and bind us to another person. Children attach to parents who are sensitive and responsive to their physical and emotional needs and cues. Later in childhood, children use their parents, or primary attachment caregivers, as a secure base from which they can explore their world and other relationships. Humans are social-emotional beings that are wired to attach in order to get their most basic needs met. Early bonding and attachment experiences result in a cascade of bio-chemical

21

THE SEVEN CORE ISSUES WORKBOOK FOR PARENTS OF TRAUMATIZED CHILDREN AND TEENS

processes that stimulate and enhance the growth and connectivity of neural networks throughout the brain.1 These early attachment experiences set the stage for future interpersonal skills and relationships. Children become securely attached as they seek physical and emotional closeness to caregivers who remove their distress and increase their pleasure states. Childhood attachment experiences become encoded in sensory memory as children develop a pattern of attaching in order to get their most primary biological and emotional needs met. Parents have an attachment pattern and style, whether positive or negative, that was experienced, learned and subsequently internalized from their caregivers, and this is what the parents will be intuitively passing along to the child. Attachment is a lifelong process. Attachment behaviors and patterns can be learned, unlearned and updated as we age and gain new insights and experiences. It is important to note that attachment experiences and relationships require emotions. Our emotions help connect us to the emotions of the other person. Feelings are contagious. We are hardwired to be in emotional relationships, with both the giving and receiving of emotions. In order to create and maintain deep, meaningful attachment relationships, we must use our emotions. All children, including those placed at birth, experience attachment disruptions—the severing of the attachments from their original familial trees. The child/teen/adult will be understanding and processing this major life-altering event through each developmental stage. A child’s developmental understanding of adoption/permanency changes and unfolds over time as their ability to understand what adoption/permanency is generally (why some children are not raised by their birth/first parents) and what happened to them specifically (why they are not living with their birth/first parents) evolves. Babies, children and teens experience the traumatic losses associated with losing their connections to their birth/first families through a series of unfolding insights and understandings that often trigger the deep feelings, challenges and tasks associated with the Seven Core Issues. For further guidance see the chapter ‘A Child’s Developmental Journey Through Adoption and Permanency’ (pages 230–243) in the Seven Core Issues in Adoption and Permanency. It will assist parents in recognizing, guiding and supporting the child/teen with additional resources and tools.

Trauma Trauma is a deeply distressing or disturbing experience. Most members of the constellation have experienced some kind of emotional trauma, such as the loss of a child, family violence, child abuse/neglect, attachment disruptions or infertility. Some will have experienced physical trauma as well, such as rape, abuse, domestic violence, incest, poverty or homelessness. Children who witness domestic violence often experience the trauma as if it were happening to them. As a result of trauma, many individuals experience toxic stress, which occurs when one lives in a chronically stressful environment. Toxic stress is when the body releases cortisol and other stress hormones which raise the heart rate and blood pressure and trigger a fight/flight or freeze

1 Schore, A.N. (1994) Affect Regulation and the Origin of the Self: The Neurobiology of Emotional Development. Hillsdale, NJ: Lawrence Erlbaum Associates.

22

Introduction

response. Toxic stress has a negative impact on one’s ability to physically grow, maintain positive physical health, learn and retain information, continue to emotionally develop and create and sustain emotional attachments. It is especially harmful to children as they mature. If you’re a parent who has experienced trauma in your childhood, parenting a child with trauma may retrigger intense feelings. The most vulnerable constellation member is the displaced baby, child, teen and eventual adult. Children enter foster care due to neglect, physical abuse, sexual abuse, domestic violence and in-utero drug exposure, and many of these children will suffer the effects of complex and developmental trauma. Disruptions and moves may have occurred at a pre-verbal stage of development when the child had no way of understanding or giving language to their trauma. The child’s body and sensory system may be loaded with toxic stress, fear and anxiety. If the body cannot relax, the mind has trouble focusing, learning, retaining information, growing and thriving. Parenting a child who fears attaching (emotional intimacy) and closeness may be a new challenge for many parents. The child who has learned to fear and avoid attachment may be aggressive, moody, defiant, oppositional, angry, disrespectful, anxious, controlling and lacking in empathy. When a little body cannot relax, even things like falling asleep, enjoying a meal, playing with a sibling, reading a book or following directions becomes challenging for both child and parent. This workbook will help you learn therapeutic parenting tools and techniques to strengthen attachment and attune to the emotional needs of your child.

23

—  Chapter 1  —

LOSS Mast ery /C on

cy ima Int

l tro

I d e n tit y

Reje

cti o n

LOSS Gr

ie f

Sh

/G ame

u il

t

Loss begins the lifelong, intergenerational journey in adoption and permanency. Why is it so important to carefully examine our own loss history as parents? The simple answer is that any of our own “unexplored” losses can easily become emotional triggers during parenting. In addition, when parents do the emotional work of acknowledging and healing any historical losses they have suffered, it deepens their emotional sensitivity and responsiveness to their child’s pain, losses and trauma. A deep exploration of our losses, which begins our journey to the gains of adoption and permanency, allows us as parents to walk with, guide and support our children as they understand and experience their losses at each developmental stage. The losses we are addressing as constellation members are intergenerational, lifelong and life altering. They strike at the very essence of a person’s being. They alter our experience of ourselves and our world. People who were parents to a particular child are no longer their “everyday” parents or legal parents; parents who did not give birth to a particular child are now parenting and

25

THE SEVEN CORE ISSUES WORKBOOK FOR PARENTS OF TRAUMATIZED CHILDREN AND TEENS

attaching to that child; children who were born from particular family trees are now connected to new ones. Adoption and permanency change the trajectory of everyone’s lives, and the long-term ramifications of these disruptions and changes cannot be fully understood at the time the losses occur. Some losses are concrete, such as the loss of things, people, relationships or roles. Others are abstract, such as fantasy parents, fantasy children or a fantasy family. Subsequent “sub” losses that may retrigger the original traumatic loss experience are more subtle, gradual and tend to surprise people; these are the losses that are highlighted in day-to-day interactions. For example, comments such as “Too bad you couldn’t have your own children” and “What happened to the real parents?” As people are living their lives, losses can be triggered by a question, a picture, an event, a dream, a nightmare, an anniversary, a birthday, a season, an item, a movie, a book or a news article. The losses in adoption/permanency, and the subsequent pain and grief that result, have largely been minimized and ignored. This workbook gives you the opportunity to uncover, examine and address many types of losses and their impact on your particular role as a parent to a child who will also have losses to address, even if they were placed at birth.

THE MYTHS IN ADOPTION, FOSTER CARE AND KINSHIP By now you’ve experienced a lot of myths and stereotypes about children who are adopted and families who are touched by adoption, foster care and kinship. Think about how these reactions impact you and your family. Feel free to add some additional myths to our list. • • • • • • • • • • • • • • •

All children need is love. Children will appreciate what you are doing and show it. Children’s early abuse history will fade in memory. Attaching will be easy. Keeping children connected to prior attachments will confuse or upset them. You will not think bad thoughts about the birth/first parents. Adoption is second best. Your child is lucky. Adopt and you’ll get pregnant, right away. It’ll be love at first sight. Children don’t remember, think about or yearn for people they were attached to from their past. I’m color blind. Racial, ethnic and cultural differences don’t matter. ? ? ?

26

LIFE LOSS HISTORY QUESTIONNAIRE List all the losses in your life since you were born. Be specific, the pain is in the details: ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... List the emotions and physical symptoms you experience in connection to these losses: ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... What has been the greatest loss of your life and why? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... How did that significant loss impact your life and who you are today? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... .........................................................................................

27

THE SEVEN CORE ISSUES WORKBOOK FOR PARENTS OF TRAUMATIZED CHILDREN AND TEENS

List any and all losses that have been unresolved and continue to create painful feelings: ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... What kinds of things do you do to cope with the painful feelings and memories listed above? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... What have you learned from these losses and how do you feel about yourself? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... How have these losses impacted your relationships? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... .........................................................................................

28

MY LOSS HISTORY TIMELINE Name: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Date: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Complete the Loss History Timeline by placing an X beside your age at the time of each loss you experienced. Losses may include people, places, pets, siblings and so on. Include illness, hospitalizations, divorce, parental separation, job loss, addiction, mental illness, incarceration and so on. For each X, write a brief description of the loss. Year . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Age 0 3mos

6mos

9mos

1

2

3

4

5

6

7

8

9

10

11

12

21

22

23

24

25

26

27

28

29

30

41

42

43

44

45

46

47

48

Year . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Age 13 14

15

16

17

18

19

20

Year . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Age 31 32

33

34

35

36

37

38

39

40

Year . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Age 49 50

51

52

53

54

55

56

57

29

58

59

60

61

62

63

64

65

+

MY LOSS HISTORY TIMELINE ACTIVITY After completing your Loss History Timeline, review each loss and circle the ones that still hurt today. Think about those losses over time as you’ve aged, grown and learned. Select a few of the losses that still cause hurt and pain today and complete the below activity.

Description of loss

Describe how the loss impacts your life and relationships

30

FOUR KINDS OF LOSSES Core losses

Secondary losses

The original core losses in foster care, kinship and adoption are lifelong and intergenerational. They are experienced as traumatic events that strike at the center of a person’s being. These core losses alter our life path and change how we feel about ourselves and the world. The long-term ramifications cannot be fully understood at the time of the loss.

These losses stem from the core losses and are experienced in our day-to-day lives. Secondary losses often surprise or trigger us as they show up in our everyday activities. These secondary losses surface and can intensify throughout the various stages of our lives.

Ambiguous losses

Vicarious losses

These are losses that we experience that have no closure, rituals or acknowledgement of what was lost. It leaves us stuck in grief/pain and searching for answers. These are losses that are difficult to grieve when they have not been identified, validated or supported.

These losses stem from traumatic memories and painful experiences. They can easily be retriggered during times of distress and cause sensory overload. These vicarious losses can live in sensory memory outside our conscious awareness, creating feelings of confusion and overwhelm.

List, in detail, your core losses connected to foster care, kinship and adoption. For example, if infertility occurred, your child is not genetically connected to you. Other losses occurred from this original core loss. ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... .........................................................................................

31

THE SEVEN CORE ISSUES WORKBOOK FOR PARENTS OF TRAUMATIZED CHILDREN AND TEENS

Which core losses have had the biggest impact on your life and why? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... List the emotions and physical symptoms you experience in connection to the core losses: ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... What have you learned from these core losses? Have they impacted how you feel about yourself? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... How have these core losses impacted your relationships with your partner/spouse, extended family, peer group or friends? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... How have these core losses impacted your parenting? How do you feel about your role as a parent? Do you have fears or concerns that impact your parenting? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... .........................................................................................

32

Loss

How do your child’s questions, appearance and/or personality traits trigger your core losses? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... What are your child’s core losses? (Be specific.) ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... How do these core losses affect your child’s thoughts, feelings and behaviors? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... In what ways do you or could you acknowledge and support your child’s understanding of their core losses? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... .........................................................................................

33

CORE LOSSES IMPACT THE MIND, HEART AND BODY Losses affect our mind, heart and our body. It is common to minimize and/or avoid the impact of these losses. Reflect on the questions below.

Mind What is the story you tell yourself about why these losses happened to you?

Heart What feelings and emotions are connected to these losses?

Body Where do you feel these emotions in your body and how does your body react?

34

CORE LOSSES AND THE MIND We are all living the story of our lives. Our mind is doing the work of understanding and explaining why and how things happen to us. Write the story of why and how your core losses happened to you.

35

CORE LOSSES AND THE HEART Use colors, words and/or images to fill your heart with all of the feelings and emotions you have connected to your core losses.

36

CORE LOSSES AND THE BODY Core losses like the death of a loved one, divorce, miscarriage and so on are experienced as stressful and traumatic events that impact our bodies. On the body below, draw, color or write how your body experiences the pain, stress and emotions connected to these losses.

My secondary losses Secondary losses show up in our day-to-day lives. For example, when your child says “You’re not my real mother” or someone says “How come your child doesn’t look like you?” or when you’re filling out medical forms for your child. List examples of how the secondary losses show up in your day-to-day life: ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... What secondary losses and feelings happen to you on Mother’s Day and Father’s Day? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... .........................................................................................

37

THE SEVEN CORE ISSUES WORKBOOK FOR PARENTS OF TRAUMATIZED CHILDREN AND TEENS

What secondary losses and feelings happen on your child’s birthday? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... What other holidays, activities or religious events trigger secondary losses and feelings? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... List the life experiences that you missed that are triggered when you observe others living those experiences (e.g., baby shower, pregnancy, naming their child): ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... List the questions or observations from others that trigger your secondary losses and feelings (“Who are your children’s real parents?” “How come you didn’t have any of your own children?”): ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... List the seasons, dates and life events that trigger secondary losses connected to the anniversary of your core losses (miscarriage, loss of a child, disrupted placement): ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... How do these secondary losses and the thoughts and feelings connected to them impact your parenting? ......................................................................................... .........................................................................................

38

Loss

......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... How do your child’s questions, appearance and personality traits trigger your secondary losses? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... What do you think your child’s secondary losses would be? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... .........................................................................................

My ambiguous losses These are losses that we experience that have no closure, rituals or acknowledgement of what was lost because society sees adoption and permanency as a solution to a problem. The focus is on what everyone gains, not what they have lost. These unacknowledged and unnamed losses create emotional landmines that are easily triggered. For example, parenting a child that doesn’t look like you, sharing your mother/father role with another, or having no ritual to grieve for a lost child.

List your ambiguous losses that are rarely or never acknowledged by yourself, others and society: ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... What thoughts and feelings are connected to your ambiguous losses? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... .........................................................................................

39

THE SEVEN CORE ISSUES WORKBOOK FOR PARENTS OF TRAUMATIZED CHILDREN AND TEENS

List the events or times in your life when your ambiguous losses were triggered: ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... What coping strategies do you use when you’re triggered? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... What do you want others to know about your ambiguous losses? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... How is your parenting affected by your ambiguous losses? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... How do your child’s questions, appearance and personality traits trigger your ambiguous losses? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... What do you think your child’s ambiguous losses would be? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... .........................................................................................

40

Loss

In what ways do you or could you acknowledge and support your child’s ambiguous losses? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... .........................................................................................

My vicarious losses These are losses that we experience that are connected to our child’s pain, loss and trauma. Early trauma is experienced through our five senses and lives in our sensory system beyond our awareness. As parents, we “catch” the emotions of our children and can find ourselves easily triggered by their pain, loss and trauma reactions.

List any traumatic losses and traumatic experiences from your childhood: ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... What thoughts and feelings are connected to your childhood trauma? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... What vicarious losses did you “catch” from your parents or family? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... How did those vicarious losses impact your life and relationships? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... .........................................................................................

41

THE SEVEN CORE ISSUES WORKBOOK FOR PARENTS OF TRAUMATIZED CHILDREN AND TEENS

How do those vicarious losses and traumas from your childhood impact your beliefs, values and feelings about parenting? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... Under what circumstances do these losses or traumas get triggered? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... What vicarious losses or traumas did your child bring into the family? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... What feelings and behaviors does your child have due to their vicarious losses and traumas? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... How do these feelings and behaviors impact you and family members? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... What feelings and reactions do you have in reaction to your child’s distress? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... .........................................................................................

42

Loss

What other family members or individuals connected to the family are impacted by your child’s traumatic losses and trauma? How do those individuals respond to you and to your child? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... How does all of this impact your parenting of this child? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... When you “catch” your child’s distress or triggers, what coping strategies work? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... What additional resources and supports could you use to recover from a stressful event? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... .........................................................................................

43

MY BELIEFS ABOUT PARENTING We all grow up with beliefs about what we would be like as parents. Take a few minutes and write down your thoughts and beliefs about parenting by foster care, adoption and kinship.

I believe: … . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . … . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . … . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . … . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . … . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . … . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . … . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . … . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . … . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . … . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . … . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . … . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . … . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . … . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . … . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . … . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . … . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

44

MY FANTASY OF ME AS A PARENT We begin to form our beliefs and feelings about parenting at a very young age as we learn from our parents. As children, we learn through a series of social-emotional experiences that help us form our beliefs and feelings about parenting. These beliefs are deeply embedded within our sensory system. Write down all your fantasies about yourself as a parent in the fantasy cloud.

The difference between how we envisioned ourselves as a parent and the reality of how we are actually parenting is where the learning and healing begin. Our losses live in the spaces between what we “thought” this journey would be and the reality of our “real” parenting journey.

45

JOURNEY TO BECOMING A FAMILY For families touched by adoption, foster care and kinship, the journey to becoming a family is very different for the parent/s versus the child. Reflect on the thoughts, feelings and additional tasks for both your child and yourself. A parent’s adoption/permanency journey:

A child’s adoption/permanency journey:

46

Loss

Three Stages of Becoming a Parent for the Foster, Adoptive and Kinship Parent There are normal crises and issues that should be expected as new parents leave their fantasy and idealized version of themselves as a parent and claim their role as a “real parent” to a “real child.” As the new parent adjusts to the emotional demands of attaching to a hurt child who often does not trust, relax and enjoy close human connectedness, the parent’s learning process begins. Parents may benefit from therapeutic and/or peer support during the crisis stage. Stage 1: The commitment to the fantasy (pre-child) • • • • •

The parent is deeply committed to the “idea” of adoption/parenting. The parent is adamant about never giving up on a child. The parent is critical of other parents/the system. The parent overestimates their own parenting abilities and skills. The “halo effect” is strong (I’m highly trained/knowledgeable, and I would never harm, yell, threaten, hit a child).

Stage 2: The reality (placement/child moves in) • • • • • • • • • •

The bubble has burst, the fantasy changed to reality. I’m not the kind of parent that I imagined I’d be. I’m much more angry/distressed/embarrassed than I thought I’d be. My partner is not the kind of parent I thought they’d be. This child is not my fantasy child (“no one told me,” “I feel tricked”). I’m not sure I can do this (feeling emotionally depleted). This is much more difficult than I’d imagined (“I don’t like/love this child”). I feel confused and/or used by the system. The system is placing too many demands on me. I’m overwhelmed and I feel as if I’ve ruined my life, family and relationships.

Stage 3: The re-commitment to the reality • I know what it takes to do this, and I’m committed. • I now realize how emotionally difficult this is (because I’m living it) and I’m willing to see it through to the end (adoption/reunification). • My distress has decreased as I use support, mentoring and further educate myself. • My expectations of myself as parent have decreased as I realize I don’t have to be perfect. • I now know my child—their strengths and challenges, and what they need from me.

47

THE SEVEN CORE ISSUES WORKBOOK FOR PARENTS OF TRAUMATIZED CHILDREN AND TEENS

Three Stages of Placement for the Child There are normal crisis issues, challenges and emotional responses for a child being placed into a foster/ kinship/adoptive home. For the child, this is a life-altering experience which presents an overwhelming emotional and psychological challenge as they need to attach to new parents. Stage 1: The commitment to the fantasy (pre-placement) “Yay, I’m being adopted. What’s adopted?” • The child is excited about the idea of a new family, new parents, fresh start. • The child is eager to leave loss/pain/distress behind (“Yay, I get to start a new life. Do they have a dog? Do I get my own room?”). • The child is very unrealistic about how significantly their life will change. • The child thinks their new life will be like visits (no demands, no chores, no homework). • The child is not aware of the losses they are about to suffer. • The child is unaware of the fear/sadness/anger that they will be feeling as a result of those losses: parents/caregivers, siblings, friends, culture, routines, pets, neighborhood, school, predictability. • The child may start to show signs of distress (acting-out behaviors) in an anticipatory response to the move. Severing attachments is painful; the child may feel overwhelmed emotionally and may appear agitated, rejecting, stressed and angry. Stage 2: The reality (placement) “No, I don’t want to be adopted—‘attaching’ hurts!” • The child may work to “please” the parent (honeymoon) for fear of being rejected (again): “I’ll pretend I’m ‘good’ so they don’t send me away.” • The child’s fear and distress may be overwhelming, as they are now suffering the loss of previous parents/caregivers. “I’m afraid of attaching to new parents,” “I’m afraid you’ll leave me too,” “I want my old life back,” “Take me back to the group home.” • The child appears very emotionally reactive because they don’t yet have a “secure attachment relationship” with their new parents. • The child will reject the new parents: “I hate you,” “You’re not my mom/dad,” “I don’t belong here.” • The child feels abandoned and rejected. They may hide this deep emotional pain—and suffer in isolation. “I’m in pain/distress—does anyone see my pain, does anyone care, does anyone know how to help?” Stage 3: The commitment to reality “Okay, I guess you meant it and I’m not going anywhere. I’ll let you adopt me.” • The child begins to feel safe and secure in their new family/environment. • The child experiences their needs being met. The parents have “claimed” the child’s attachment and developmental needs by consistently being emotionally available and responsive. • The child adjusts to the new structure and parenting style. • The child appears more relaxed, less agitated/distressed.

48

Loss

• The child talks about their future with their new family. • The child experiences pleasure with parents and seeks parental approval. • The child feels connected to the family and that they belong with their family. They feel valued and that they have an important and unique role in their family.

Three Stages of Placement for My Child After reviewing the three stages of placement for a child, complete the chart below. If you’re beginning a placement with a child, use the chart to become sensitive to the child’s thoughts, feelings and subsequent behaviors. For those of you already parenting a child placed with you recently or in the past, use the chart to gain insight into your child’s placement experience.

Stage 1: Pre-placement

Stage 2: Placement

Stage 3: Commitment to reality

Thoughts:

Thoughts:

Thoughts:

Feelings:

Feelings:

Feelings:

Behaviors:

Behaviors:

Behaviors:

49

MY SENSORY PROFILE All of us experience life, relationships and events through our senses. It’s important to understand your own sensitivities to various kinds of sensory stimuli. For example, if loud noises are stressful for you, noise-canceling headphones may be helpful in loud places. Identify what bothers you in each of these areas and what choices you can make to proactively reduce how it affects you.

50

MY SHADOW SELF All of us have a darker part of our personality that can be triggered when we experience strong emotions. We may work to hide or avoid these more negative feelings or aspects of ourselves, and therefore be unaware of how our facial expressions, body language and tone of voice are being experienced by our children. Stand in front of a full-length mirror and think about a time you felt angry, out of control or enraged. Recreate what you think you looked and sounded like in that moment. Describe or draw your facial expressions.

Describe or draw your body language, posture and stance.

Describe your tone of voice and the sounds/words coming out of your mouth.

51

THE SEVEN CORE ISSUES WORKBOOK FOR PARENTS OF TRAUMATIZED CHILDREN AND TEENS

My Emotional Triggers All parents get triggered. We all have different triggers based on our unique life experiences, beliefs, temperament and style of attaching. Think of a few recent issues or events with your child that upset you, and complete the following chart.

Thoughts

Feelings

Actions

I think

I feel

What I did

I think

I feel

What I did

I think

I feel

What I did

52

MANAGING MY EMOTIONAL TRIGGERS Thoughts

Now that you know your automatic thought patterns, change your old thought to a more positive thought. Example: “My child never listens to me” changes to “My child struggles to follow directions when they are scared or anxious and their thinking brain is overwhelmed.”

Feelings

Now that you are aware of your emotional reactions to your thoughts when you’re triggered, write down what new emotional responses your new thought patterns might create. Example: “I feel more empathy for my child when I see their body, mind and emotions so easily triggered.”

53

Actions

Now that you are aware of your thoughts and feelings, what actions and behaviors can you change so you are intervening more effectively with your child? Example: “I stay connected to my child when they are feeling overwhelmed and distressed. I comfort, soothe and help my child find calm so they can listen and solve the problem they created.”

THE POWER OF OUR ATTENTION Children want and need our attention and emotion. Unfortunately, it is easy for parents to get stuck in a “negative emotional pattern” where they are using anger, punishment and yelling to try to change their child’s negative or acting-out behaviors. A negative response to a child’s negative behavior actually reinforces the behavior. It’s easy to get stuck in the weeds. Many of us were raised with a lot of negative emotion from our parents. A negative plus a negative equals a negative.

( - + - = -) Imagine your child is a garden. It has both seeds of potential, areas of strength, as well as areas of challenge or sensitivity. You are the watering can, nurturing and attending to areas of potential, need and strength. When you pay attention to and reinforce the strengths and positives in your child, those areas or seeds of potential grow.

What we “attend to” grows—when we focus and attend more to negative behaviors in our children, our children become adept at negative attention-seeking behaviors and see the negative in themselves. We can all get stuck in the weeds! Your child has unique strengths, talents and characteristics that are their “seeds of potential.” These seeds do not grow if they’re not nurtured. Using the seeds below, identify your child’s unique strengths and talents.

54

Loss

Next, identify the concrete ways you are actively nurturing these specific seeds of potential in your child: 1. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 2. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 3. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 4. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 5. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 6. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 7. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 8. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 9. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 10. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

55

FLOWERS VS. WEEDS Many of us were raised with a lot of negative or critical parental attention and feedback. Changing the ratio of negative to positive emotional feedback or reinforcement can be done with practice. Using positive reinforcement focused on our child’s strengths and pro-social behaviors is the key. If you want flowers to grow, you have to reinforce and nurture the seeds of the flower. “I like how you’re sitting at the table,” “Wow, you put your clothes away without being reminded, thanks,” “Excellent job remembering your backpack today,” “Thanks so much for helping with the groceries,” “I really like how you just handled your frustration.”

Ten positives (+) for every one negative (-)

Practice using the ratio of ten positives for every one negative. What did you learn? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... .........................................................................................

56

MY CHILD’S SENSORY PROFILE Every human enters life with a sensory profile that helps them adapt to their unique environment. Each of us must experience and learn to tolerate various amounts of sensory input. Attachment disruptions, trauma, neglect and abuse overwhelm immature sensory systems. Create a sensory profile for your child by spending one full day observing how your child experiences their world through their senses.

What does your child see? How do they react to what they see?

What smells is your child experiencing during the day? What smells do they like and not like? Are there smells that trigger certain feelings/behaviors?

57

THE SEVEN CORE ISSUES WORKBOOK FOR PARENTS OF TRAUMATIZED CHILDREN AND TEENS

How does your child use their mouth to experience their world? Are they biting, gnawing, sucking, tasting, grinding, yelling, grunting, constantly talking or remaining silent?

How does your child’s body experience touch, hugs, cuddling, tickling and affection? Does your child explore their environment through touch? Or do they avoid touch? Does your child use touch to self-stimulate and/or self-soothe?

What sounds does your child hear? What sounds calm or upset your child?

58

MY CHILD’S SENSORY TRIGGERS After you complete your child’s sensory profile, let’s examine your child’s sensory triggers. Children who have a history of attachment disruptions, trauma and neglect have experienced those events through their sensory systems. Those sensory experiences live in implicit memory outside conscious awareness. Your insight into your child’s sensory triggers allows you to not personalize their behaviors and to intervene effectively.

Has your child seen something that triggered a reaction from their past? How did your child react? What were they feeling? What were they seeing? How did you react? What did you feel? What did you do?

Has your child smelled something that triggered a reaction from their past? How did your child react? What were they feeling? What were they doing? How did you react? What did you feel? What did you do?

59

THE SEVEN CORE ISSUES WORKBOOK FOR PARENTS OF TRAUMATIZED CHILDREN AND TEENS

What happened that triggered an oral response (e.g., biting, yelling, vomiting, gnawing, spitting)? How did your child react? What were they feeling? What were they doing? How did you react? What did you feel? What did you do?

What happened that triggered your child’s bodily touch system? How did your child react? What were they feeling? What were they doing? How did you react? What did you feel? What did you do?

What happened that triggered your child’s auditory system? How did your child react? What were they feeling? What were they hearing? How did you react? What did you feel? What did you do?

60

MY SENSORY TRIGGER PLAN Once you know your child’s sensory triggers, you can plan to proactively create an environment that allows your child’s sensory systems to heal. Parents can create an environment where their child is not overwhelmed and triggered with toxic stress. A child’s sensory systems can learn best when there is a predictable, structured and calm environment in which their senses can feel safe, adapt, learn and thrive. Each day, my child…

61

LOSS: MY KEY POINTS LIST Reflect on what you have learned about yourself from the exercises and activities on loss. Make a Key Points List of the most meaningful and important lessons for you as a parent.

• . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . • . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . • . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . • . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . • . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . • . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . • . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . • . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . • . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . • . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . • . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . • . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Now that you have carefully explored your own loss history and its impact on relationships, you can use those insights to examine and understand how losses can create feelings of or fear of rejection.

62

—  Chapter 2  —

REJECTION Mast ery /C on

cy ima t n I

l tro

I d e n tit y

Reje

cti o n

LOSS Gr

ie f

Sha

G m e/

u il

t

Rejection is the first spoke in the wheel emanating from loss. According to Webster’s Dictionary, rejection is defined as: “to discard or throw out as worthless, useless, or substandard. Rejection is a perceived loss of social acceptance, group inclusion or a sense of belonging.” We all have a strong need to belong. To get our most basic needs for belonging and connectedness, we must first learn the dance of attachment. As children, our first “dance partners” are our parents. When attachments are severed or lost, we may feel rejected, abandoned or unwanted. Being rejected or ostracized from a person, family or community can leave us feeling isolated and alone. Rejection lowers our self-esteem and self-worth. All constellation members can feel and fear rejection. In an unconscious attempt to avoid future losses and to regain control of our life’s journey, we may assume the burden of the responsibility of the loss, believing that if rejection was our fault, we can change or act differently and avoid

63

THE SEVEN CORE ISSUES WORKBOOK FOR PARENTS OF TRAUMATIZED CHILDREN AND TEENS

future rejection. The severity of our experience of rejection will be influenced by any early adverse childhood experiences of trauma, loss and neglect as well as our present emotional well-being. We may ask ourselves “Why me?” and “What did I do or not do to deserve this?” Children believe that the things that happen to them, including abandonment, abuse, neglect, divorce and death, are a result of something they did; that it is their fault! We may find ourselves anticipating rejection from other members of the constellation. Parents may fear rejection from their children, their extended family or from the birth/first family. Our rejection triggers and sensitivities may be carried into our day-to-day activities and interactions at work, school, extended family functions, religious institutions, neighborhoods and communities as well as our parenting and marital interactions.

64

ATTACHMENT AND RELATIONAL SELF-SURVEY Explore your attachment and relational beliefs, skills and vulnerabilities by completing the survey. We all have strengths and challenges connected to attachment and our interpersonal relationships which require emotional intimacy. There are no right or wrong answers. Your goal is to identify your unique strengths and areas for growth. Ranking: 1 being the lowest score and 5 being the highest. 1. I can understand the emotions, needs and concerns of other people, and pick up on their emotional cues. 1

2

3

4

5

2. I feel comfortable socially and recognize the non-verbal, emotional cues in myself and others. 1

2

3

4

5

3. I understand that meaningful parent-child attachment relationships are never interchangeable and the loss of any significant attachment relationships will be grieved and mourned throughout one’s lifespan. 1

2

3

4

5

4. I am aware of my own non-verbal emotions and cues as these are key indicators of what I am really feeling and experiencing in my “internal subjective state” (my inner world). 1

2

3

4

5

5. When relational conflict arises, I can identify constructive ways to resolve and manage stress and develop solutions that repair the rupture and re-establish connection. 1

2

3

4

5

6. I believe that keeping connections for children to people, culture, language, race and important objects is meaningful and enhances a positive sense of identity and belonging. 1

2

3

4

5

7. I recognize my own internal “emotional states” and how they affect my thoughts, perceptions and behaviors. 1

2

3

4

5

65

THE SEVEN CORE ISSUES WORKBOOK FOR PARENTS OF TRAUMATIZED CHILDREN AND TEENS

8. I know how to develop and maintain meaningful, authentic relationships. I know what my needs are and can communicate them clearly. 1

2

3

4

5

9. After a stressful interpersonal conflict, I can emotionally bounce back and find inner calm. 1

2

3

4

5

10. I am aware of my own attachment style/pattern as it impacts every aspect of my intimate relationships: children, partners and meaningful friendships. 1

2

3

4

5

11. As a parent, in order to establish “attachment security” with my child, I am emotionally available, sensitive and responsive to their needs and emotional cues. 1

2

3

4

5

12. It’s easy for me to get close to others. I am comfortable depending on others and having them depend on me. I don’t worry about abandonment or becoming too close to others. 1

2

3

4

5

13. When I have an open, trusting relationship with someone, I seek feedback that will help me become more self-aware. When self-awareness is increased, I’m more insightful. 1

2

3

4

5

14. I realize that parenting experiences during the formative years creates an attachment style with an internal working model that operates outside of our awareness yet influences all aspects of our interpersonal relationships. 1

2

3

4

5

15. When I’m feeling distressed or overwhelmed, I have the skills and emotional resources to manage my feelings and return to a calm state. My increased emotional intelligence allows me to manage my intense emotions and think through coping strategies and behavioral options. 1

2

3

4

5

16. I am able to accept my own imperfections and the imperfections of others. I can forgive myself, and others, when mistakes are made and a rupture in the relationship occurs. 1

2

3

4

5

66

MY FEELING GARDEN Our early childhood attachment experiences create emotional memories that are deeply embedded within the mind and body. Our first school for emotional learning is within the intimacy of the family and home environment. Using colors, words or images, draw your feeling garden that reflects the emotions and experiences of your childhood.

67

MY ATTACHMENT QUESTIONNAIRE Describe what it was like growing up in your family: ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... Describe your relationship with your parents as a young child. Begin as far back as you can remember: ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... List five adjectives or words that describe your relationship with your mother/caregiver, starting from as far back as you can remember: 1. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 4. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 2. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 5. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 3. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Give an example for each adjective or word you chose from your memory of your childhood with your mother: 1. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 2. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 3. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 4. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 5. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . List five adjectives or words that describe your relationship with your father/caregiver starting from as far back as you can remember: 1. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 2. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 3. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 4. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 5. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

68

Rejection

Give an example for each adjective or word you chose from your memory of your childhood with your father: 1. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 2. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 3. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 4. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 5. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Which parent did you feel closer to, and why? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... When you were upset as a child, what would you do, and what would happen? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... Were you ever afraid or terrified of your parents/caregivers? If yes, why? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... When you were sick, injured or emotionally distressed, what would happen? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... .........................................................................................

69

THE SEVEN CORE ISSUES WORKBOOK FOR PARENTS OF TRAUMATIZED CHILDREN AND TEENS

Why do you think your parents behaved the way they did during your childhood? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... When you were a child, did anyone close to you ever die or leave you? What happened? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... What is your relationship with your parents like now? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... What are the main things you’ve learned about caring for a child from your parents/caregivers? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... .........................................................................................

70

Rejection

ATTACHMENT: PURPOSE AND HOW IT HELPS THE CHILD In the animal kingdom, the primary purpose of attachment is to provide safety and protection for the vulnerable. The young animal that seeks proximity to its caregiver is more likely to survive. It helps ensure the survival of the species. Attachment in humans has many secondary purposes: • • • •

The stimulation of the child’s intellectual potential. The development of the child’s socialization skills. The facilitation of identity formation. To enable the child to modulate stress and arousal levels, to increase pleasurable states/ feelings and to decrease stressful/painful states/feelings. • The development of the conscience, allowing the child to learn the critical skill of having empathy for others. • The ability to attend and focus. • The ability to delay the gratification of their needs being met, and manage their impulses. Attachment helps the child: • • • • • • • • • •

attain full intellectual potential feel deeply valued, loved and connected think logically, with good decision-making skills develop social emotions (reciprocity) trust others (emotional intimacy) trust self; become self-reliant cope with stress/frustration (emotional resilience) reduce feelings of despair/loneliness/jealousy overcome common fears/worries/anxieties increase feelings of self-worth and self-esteem.

71

PATTERNS OF PARENT-CHILD ATTACHMENT Early attachment experiences are a central factor in shaping our development. We are social-emotional beings with an innate need to be in relationships. Early attachment experiences shape brain development and help a child maximize their social, cognitive, emotional and conscience development.

Attachment pattern

Parents’ response pattern

Secure

Emotionally available, dependable and responsive

Insecure: Anxious

Inconsistently available, intrusive, distressed

Insecure: Avoidant

Emotionally unavailable, unresponsive, rejecting

Insecure: Disorganized

Frightening, frightened, disorienting, alarming

The ABCs of Creating a Secure Attachment Pattern Attunement: Aligning your own internal state with your child’s; most often through non-verbal signals and communications. Balance: Your children attain balance of their body, emotions and states of mind through attunement with you. Coherence: The integration the child acquires through their relationship with you allows them to feel both internally integrated and interpersonally connected to others.

72

ATTACHMENT: OUR INTERNAL WORKING MODEL

Attachment patterns develop on a continuum, with the optimum being a secure attachment pattern. The infant enters the world in a “disorganized state” and will respond to the attachment pattern of the adult caregiver. If the caregiver is attentive, responsive and attuned to the emotional and developmental needs of the infant, a secure pattern will likely develop. The infant enters the world with an “attachment behavioral system”1 that needs to be responded to or activated in order for the infant/child to learn, grow and develop healthy interpersonal and emotional regulation skills. The infant brain is malleable (vulnerable) to adverse (toxic) experiences. The infant brain is experience dependent (on attachment); its structural organization reflects the history of the organism. Infants/children carry those to whom they are attached inside their mind, in the form of multi-sensory images—face, voice, smell, taste and touch. This mental representation of the “primary attachment relationship” is internalized, giving the child the sense that they can access their attachment figure when needed (especially when experiencing distress, pain and fear). These “limbic bonds” are created through thousands upon thousands of sensory rich experiences between the attachment figure (parent) and the infant/child and become embedded/ encoded within the limbic system (emotional brain) of the child. The child creates an internal working model—a belief/template about themselves, their caregiver and the world, based on these early attachment experiences: I am . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Parents are . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . The world is . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1 Bowlby, J. (1988) A Secure Base: Parent-Child Attachment and Healthy Human Development. New York, NY: Basic Books.

73

MY INTERNAL WORKING MODEL Through hundreds of thousands of intimate social-emotional experiences with our parents, we create an “internal working model,” a belief system about our value and how relationships work. Our “internal working model” powerfully influences our thoughts, feelings and perceptions about ourselves and others. Complete the below grid with as many words that describe your internal working model.

My internal working model I am … ...................................................................................... ...................................................................................... ...................................................................................... ...................................................................................... ......................................................................................

Parents are … ...................................................................................... ...................................................................................... ...................................................................................... ...................................................................................... ......................................................................................

The world is … ...................................................................................... ...................................................................................... ...................................................................................... ...................................................................................... ......................................................................................

74

ATTACHMENT DISRUPTIONS AND THE INTERNAL WORKING MODEL When a child experiences the loss of a parent or caregiver and/or a parent is unable to lovingly care for their child, those experiences can feel like abandonment and rejection. There are many reasons why a person may be unable to parent their child: mental illness, death, trauma, addiction, incarceration, depression and so on. Repeated attachment disruptions, relational trauma, neglect and exposure to violence all have a significant impact on a child’s internal working model. Complete the grid below with the words and emotions that a child who has experienced relational trauma and attachment disruptions might have incorporated into their internal working model.

Internal working model from loss and trauma I am … ...................................................................................... ...................................................................................... ...................................................................................... ...................................................................................... ......................................................................................

Parents are … ...................................................................................... ...................................................................................... ...................................................................................... ...................................................................................... ......................................................................................

The world is … ...................................................................................... ...................................................................................... ...................................................................................... ...................................................................................... ......................................................................................

75

CIRCLES OF BELONGING One of our most important needs is our need to belong, to feel meaningfully connected. We need to know and to feel that we belong in our family, our clan and our community, that we are valued and needed. Complete the Circles of Belonging by putting the names, groups and places where you belong.

Intimate circle: family/close friends

Social circle: groups and clubs

Public/community circle: events and activities

76

REJECTION HURTS! List the times when you felt rejected by someone, and what happened. ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... What thoughts about yourself did you have when you experienced rejection? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... What feelings did you experience during and after being rejected? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... What thoughts and feelings did you have about the person/group that was rejecting you? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... List the times when you rejected someone, and why. ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... .........................................................................................

77

THE SEVEN CORE ISSUES WORKBOOK FOR PARENTS OF TRAUMATIZED CHILDREN AND TEENS

What were you thinking when you rejected the other person? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... What were you feeling when you rejected the other person? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... How did you feel about yourself and your actions afterward? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... .........................................................................................

78

MY WORRY BUBBLE People have a fundamental need to belong. When we experience rejection by a person, family member or social group, it can trigger negative thoughts and worries about our own self-worth. Name your worries connected to feelings of rejection or your fears of rejection. Get them out of your head and into the Worry Bubble!

79

REJECTION AND MY EMOTIONS

ED

SE

D

T APPRECIATED

RTAN

VALUABLE

NG

G

L

HFU

IMPO

DISCER NING

UL

CO

NFI

DEN T

FAI T

RT

UR

IN

TI

US

NU

TR

UL NK F

IC

IST

SED PRI SUR

ESSF

SUCC

TIM

OP

RE

L FU PE ARE AW

HO

ILE WORTHWH

TH A

L

D

CU

DARING EXCITED SENS UOUS FASCI ENE NATIN RGE G TIC CH STIM EE RF CR ULA UL EA TIN G TI VE AM US ED PL AY FU L

YFU

PROU

SE

ED

JO

RESPECTED

E

EN

L

EFU

C PEA

TE UA

EQ AD

IN S LES LP SSED E H ARRA VE I B S M E MIS SUB E R U C LMED INSE OVERWHE S U O XI AN

AR

SC POWERFUL

CONTENT TFUL D UGH RELAXE THO TE IMA T IN G SIVE PEN VIN O L IVE NS O P RES R SE

I

SA

TIRED

NT

A FIC

NI

IG NS

MAD

D

D

SLEEPY

ANGRY ILE

BORE

HOST

ETIC

ES

ELY

ED

LON

APATH

M

PR

FRUSTRAT

ED

HA

Y

DE

LAT

ILT

AS

RT

R

HU

ISO

IO

GU

FER

ID

C

UP

IN

ASTI SARC

T TAN DIS UL EF RS MO RE

ST

JEALOUS SELFISH HATE FUL IRRITA CRI TED TIC CO A L NF US RE SKE ED JE PTIC CT AL ED BE WI LD DI ER SC ED O UR AG ED

The experience of rejection may trigger many different emotions. Think about a time you experienced rejection and use the emotion wheel below to identify all the feelings you felt both during and after the experience of rejection.

..............................

..............................

..............................

..............................

..............................

..............................

..............................

..............................

..............................

..............................

..............................

..............................

..............................

..............................

..............................

..............................

..............................

..............................

..............................

..............................

..............................

80

REJECTION IN ADOPTION AND PERMANENCY Individuals who have experienced foster care, kinship and adoption can experience feelings of rejection and/or fear of further rejection. For example, birth/first parents and foster, kinship or adoptive parents may feel judged and/or rejected by each other, or by the child. Try seeing through the eyes of each constellation member by completing the grid below to better understand these feelings and fears of rejection.

Constellation member

Rejected by whom?

Reason for rejection?

Birth/first parents

Child or teen

Foster, kinship or adoptive parents

Extended birth/first family

Extended foster, kinship or adoptive family

81

Feelings and actions

REJECTION IMPACTS THE MIND, HEART AND BODY Rejection can be real, imagined or implied and may impair our ability to think clearly and make good choices. The pain of being rejected is not so different from the pain of a physical injury; the depth of the pain is influenced by the closeness of the connection. Rejection is experienced in the mind, heart and body. Choose one experience of being rejected and answer the questions below.

Mind Our thoughts create feelings. What thoughts about yourself and other/s did you have?

Heart What feelings did your thoughts trigger?

Body Where in your body did you feel those emotions? What bodily symptoms did you experience?

82

CYCLE OF REJECTION Our thoughts and perceptions that occur during an experience of rejection can trigger specific feelings and emotions that lead us to act or behave in a certain way. Complete the following activity to understand your own cycle of rejection. Thoughts

Feelings

Behaviors

A stressful event occurs and I think I’m being rejected. I begin to tell myself things such as ...................................................................................... and ...................................................................................... and ...................................................................................... These thoughts that I’m thinking create the following feelings: ...................................................................................... ...................................................................................... As a result of my thoughts and feelings, I act or behave in the following ways: ...................................................................................... ...................................................................................... ...................................................................................... ......................................................................................

83

REJECTION: WORDS MATTER! It’s easy to fall into the “rejection trap,” both in our own minds and with our children. Practice the activity below to use your words wisely and not fall into the “rejection trap!”

Words

Matter

Instead of this

Try this!

I’m not good enough.

I’m growing and learning every day. My mistakes help me grow.

Stop feeling bad, complaining or crying.

I’m having lots of feelings right now because

What was I thinking?

What really happened?

I’m a failure. I’m stupid/dumb/bad.

I have done lots of hard things in my life successfully, such as

...........................................

........................................... I can’t do anything right. I’ll never be perfect at anything.

I’ve done lots of things right, such as

I’m broken or damaged.

I’m healing, learning and growing.

I hate my body or how I look.

I’m thankful for my strong and capable body.

...........................................

Change your thoughts and you’ll change your world!

84

REJECTION AND MY CHILD It’s easy to fall into the “rejection trap” with a child who has experienced attachment disruptions, relational trauma and losses in adoption and permanency. Practice the activity below to use your words wisely and not fall into the “rejection trap” with your child!

Child

Parent

Rejection can sound like this

Try this!

You’re not my “real” parent. I don’t have to listen to you!

Sounds as if you’re having some BIG feelings about adoption and your birth/first parents.

I don’t want to be adopted.

Being adopted is hard sometimes. I am not adopted, so I don’t know how it feels. As your parent, I hope you can share all of your big feelings with me.

I miss my “real” mom/dad.

Sounds as if you’re having sad or lonely feelings right now. It’s okay to miss your birth/first parents. I hope you’ll always come to me with your big feelings.

Why didn’t my “real” parents love me?

Being able to parent a child and meet their needs every day is a big job. Just because your birth/first parents couldn’t be your “everyday” parents, it doesn’t mean they didn’t love you.

Why was I adopted? (I think it’s because I’m a bad kid!)

In our family, we can always talk about adoption, why adoptions happen and especially why you were adopted. Let’s talk about your adoption story and the feelings you have about why you were adopted.

“I need your help so I can understand WHY I was adopted and cope with all of the feelings I have about adoption.” 85

ADOPTION AND PERMANENCY POSITIVE LANGUAGE The words and phrases used in foster care, kinship and adoption can be negative or hurtful, which can create feelings of rejection. As parents, we have a big job in helping our child know and understand their adoption story. Children need to learn the “language of adoption” to express their thoughts and feelings, and to be able to ask questions so they can understand why they were adopted or in foster care. Using “child first” language (saying the child’s name first, and any descriptors or labels after the child’s name) helps the child avoid being stigmatized by negative labels. Children are forming who they are, their identity and self-esteem. For example, being labeled as a “foster child” can feel embarrassing and shaming. We would be correct in saying they are “a child in a foster care system.” Use these terms/phrases

Avoid these terms/phrases

Birth or first parents

Biological, natural or “real” parents

Children by birth or adoption

Biological, natural or “real” children

My/your/our children

Own child/our adopted or foster child

Chose to parent the child

My child is “a gift,” “lucky,” “chosen,” “special needs,” “hard to place”

Made an adoption plan, chose adoption

Put up/gave up or placed for adoption

We are an adoption-built family

My child is adopted

Child in foster care

Foster child

Kinship family

Biological family

86

REJECTION: MY KEY POINTS LIST Reflect on what you learned about yourself from the exercises and activities on rejection. Make a Key Points List of the most meaningful and important lessons for you as a parent.

• . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . • . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . • . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . • . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . • . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . • . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . • . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . • . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . • . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . • . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . • . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . • . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Now that you have carefully explored your experiences, thoughts and feelings connected to rejection, you can use those insights to examine and understand how those experiences can create feelings of shame and/or guilt which impact self-esteem.

87

—  Chapter 3  —

SHAME AND GUILT Mast ery /C on

cy ima t n I

l tro

I d e n tit y

Reje

cti o n

LOSS Gr

ie f

Sha

G m e/

u il

t

Shame, guilt, and trauma are often passed from one generation to another. The second spoke in the wheel of the Seven Core Issues in adoption and permanency is shame and guilt, both of which may impact an individual’s self-worth and create anxiety. Everyone, at some point in their life, experiences shame and guilt. Shame and guilt are both social emotions meant to keep people from acting in pure self-interest. Shame makes us feel badly about ourselves, while guilt makes us feel badly about what we have done. Shame is about who we are, and guilt is about what we’ve done. Shame and guilt are used to help people conform to the culture’s social norms. Parents often use shame and guilt to try and change their child’s behavior. Shame, guilt and trauma are often passed from one generation to another. Shame and guilt discourage people from thinking of themselves in a constructive or positive way. Too much shame and guilt from parents or loved ones can limit our ability to give and receive love, feel empathy and develop healthy self-esteem. Shame originates as a negative reflection from others; it is an “outside-in” emotion. When

89

THE SEVEN CORE ISSUES WORKBOOK FOR PARENTS OF TRAUMATIZED CHILDREN AND TEENS

shame is intensely experienced from infancy through childhood, an inner critic is developed that creates a negative or harsh view of the self, parents/caregivers and the world. Shame lives in both the mind and the body. When shame is triggered, we can feel small and powerless, like a child. When we feel ashamed, we want to disappear, we avoid eye contact, our body constricts and we collapse inward. Shame greatly impacts self-esteem and self-worth. It leaves a person believing that their core self is “bad” or “less than” others. These beliefs increase anxiety and may lead to defensive behaviors. Guilt develops from our earliest parent-child attachment experiences and is a learned social emotion. It plays an important role in the development of the conscience. Guilt motivates people to seek forgiveness, accept responsibility for mistakes and correct a wrong. Many of us have absorbed large doses of shame and guilt through our childhood attachment experiences. Children who have experienced foster care, kinship and adoption have all experienced attachment disruptions, even if placed at birth. In addition, some have also experienced abuse, domestic violence, prenatal drug exposure, sexual trauma, neglect and multiple moves, all of which can create feelings of shame, guilt, anxiety, fear and despair. These traumatic experiences are occurring at a time when the child is developing their sense of self. As parents, to help create a healing relationship with our child, we must explore our own history of shame, guilt and trauma. Any unaddressed, unacknowledged and unhealed trauma can be easily triggered in the parent-child attachment relationship.

90

SHAME IMPACTS THE MIND, HEART AND BODY Shame is experienced when someone looks at us in disgust, as if we’re “less than” or invisible, or treats us as if we don’t matter. Early trauma and poor attachment experiences can create feelings of shame that embed themselves in the mind, heart and body. Shame is often passed from one generation to the next. Choose one experience of feeling shame and answer the questions below.

Mind Our thoughts create feelings. When you think about a time you felt shame, what thoughts do you have about yourself?

Heart When you think about this memory now, what feelings are triggered?

Body Where in your body do you feel those emotions? What bodily symptoms do you experience?

We must learn to replace shame with empathy! 91

DE-SHAMING MY MIND We all have an inner voice. Some of us have internalized a lot of negative or critical messages about ourselves. These negative and hurtful thoughts can get in the way of us feeling happy and fulfilled. To de-shame our minds, we need to be aware of these thoughts and work to change them. Put all of the shaming and negative thoughts about yourself in the trash can below.

Tr a

sh

TRASH CAN

......................................... ...................................... ..................................... ................................... .................................. ................................. ................................ .........................

92

SHAME IN MY HEART Experiences that create feelings of shame can feel demeaning, stressful and deeply hurtful. Use colors, words and/or images below to show how your heart feels when you experience shame.

93

SHAME AND MY BODY Shame is a deeply painful and hurtful emotion. Experiences that lead us to feel “less than,” “bad” or that we don’t matter leave an imprint in our body. On the body below, draw, color or write where and how your body experiences feelings of shame.

94

GROWING UP IN MY FAMILY Every family is different. Families have values and rules that can be spoken or unspoken. Answer the following questions based on your childhood.

Family members

Family values ...................................................................................... ...................................................................................... ...................................................................................... ......................................................................................

Family rules

Consequences or punishments

........................................

........................................

........................................

........................................

........................................

........................................

........................................

........................................

........................................

........................................

If you could, what would you have changed? ...................................................................................... ...................................................................................... ...................................................................................... ...................................................................................... ......................................................................................

95

THE TWO SS Secrecy and Shame are partners! We cannot build a strong and healthy family on secrets or lies. There is a long history in adoption and foster care of not telling children the truth about their story and history. While it is normal for parents to want to protect their children from pain and loss, withholding the truth and facts of the child’s story does not allow them to 1) understand why they were in foster care or adopted and what happened, and 2) go through the normal grieving process related to their specific losses. For parents to avoid connecting Secrecy and Shame to their child’s story they will need to address the additional parenting tasks related to their child’s developmental understanding of their unique story (see page 230 in Seven Core Issues in Adoption and Permanency: A Child’s Developmental Journey Through Adoption and Permanency). Remember that secrets: • • • •

undermine attachment and trust destroy intimacy and distort reality create feelings of shame, guilt, anxiety and fear produce fantasies and confusion.

Questions to consider: What were some of your family’s secrets? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... How and when did you find out? And how did you feel? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... .........................................................................................

96

Shame and Guilt

When family secrets are kept, there are some people who know the secret and others who are kept from knowing the secret. How does it feel to be on either side of the “family secret?” ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... What happens to the relationships inside a family where secrets are kept? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... How do you think identity formation is affected when the facts and truth about someone’s history and story are withheld from them? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... What is the difference between privacy and keeping secrets? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... We know that trust is the foundation to a healthy parent-child attachment relationship. Children need to know and feel that they can deeply trust their parents. As parents, we need to be able to discuss all

97

THE SEVEN CORE ISSUES WORKBOOK FOR PARENTS OF TRAUMATIZED CHILDREN AND TEENS

kinds of difficult topics with our children: sex, boundaries, religion, death, dating, race/ethnicity and adoption, foster care and kinship…and their story! Remove the secrecy and shame by telling the truth from the beginning, in ways that are developmentally digestible to your child, over time.

“We are an adoption-built family. We are proud to be a family built by adoption/foster care/kinship. We talk openly and honestly about how our family grew. Everyone in our family is allowed to have all of their feelings about adoption, foster care and/or kinship.” Feelings will change over time as a child’s understanding of their story deepens. Children have lots of questions about their story but may not always have the right words to express their feelings or ask questions that help them understand what happened and why it happened. Parents need to talk about the child’s story, through each developmental stage, to provide the language their child needs. Parents need to work hard to be open to hearing those questions, responding to the feelings those questions create, and try to find as many honest answers as they can.

Healthy attachment and identity formation requires trust and honesty!

98

Shame and Guilt

WHAT HAPPENS IN CHILDHOOD DOESN’T STAY IN CHILDHOOD! Adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) are stressful or traumatic events, like abuse, neglect and trauma. These kinds of early life experiences can result in feelings of deep shame, unhealthy guilt and chronic anxiety. They include family dysfunctions such as witnessing domestic violence or growing up with family members who are addicted to drugs or alcohol or have mental illness. ACEs are strongly related to the development and prevalence of a wide range of health problems throughout a person’s lifespan, including those associated with substance abuse and addiction. ACEs include: • • • • • • • • • • •

Physical abuse Sexual abuse Emotional abuse Physical neglect Emotional neglect Intimate partner violence Mother treated violently Substance misuse within household Household mental illness Parental separation, abandonment or divorce Incarcerated household member.

Recent research has demonstrated a strong relationship between childhood trauma, neglect and other adverse experiences, and substance use disorders and behavioral problems in adulthood. When children are exposed to chronic stressful experiences, their neurodevelopment can be disrupted as their biological system is exposed to toxic stress during critical stages of their development. As a result, the child’s cognitive functioning or ability to cope with negative or difficult emotions can be impaired. Over time, and especially during adolescence, the child may use negative coping strategies, such as substance use or self-harm, to cope with the intense or overwhelming emotions they are experiencing such as shame, loneliness, hurt, fear and anxiety. Eventually, these unhealthy coping mechanisms can lead to addiction, disease, disability, social and emotional problems and a shortened lifespan. For more about the effects of childhood trauma throughout someone’s lifetime, see Nadine Burke Harris’s informative TED talk at: www.ted.com/talks/ nadine_burke_harris_how_childhood_trauma_affects_health_across_a_lifetime#t-622453.

Toxic Stress is Bad for Our Brain! Brain science has taught us that, in the absence of protective factors, toxic stress damages children’s developing brains. Stress is the body’s normal response to everyday events or challenges. Positive stress—from the first day of school, a big game, or a test—is a normal part of growing up, and parents or caregivers can help children learn how to handle positive stress that is moderate

99

THE SEVEN CORE ISSUES WORKBOOK FOR PARENTS OF TRAUMATIZED CHILDREN AND TEENS

and temporary. These kinds of daily demands for a child will increase their heart rate and the amount of stress hormones in their body, but they will return to normal levels quickly. Too much stress—toxic stress—occurs when the child is exposed to overwhelming amounts of fear and distress related to violence, threats of violence, physical or sexual abuse, parental loss or abandonment, foster care, parental addiction or mental illness. Then a child’s brain and body will produce an overload of stress hormones, such as cortisol and adrenaline, that harm the function and structure of the brain. This can be particularly devastating in children, whose brains are still developing at a significant rate, especially during the first three years of life. Toxic stress is the kind of stress that occurs when a child lives for months or years with a violent alcoholic parent, has a severely depressed and neglectful caregiver, has repeated “attachment disruptions” such as those experienced in foster care, or a parent who takes out their frustrations by physically and emotionally hurting or demeaning the child. For teenagers, the higher the ACE score (see the next exercise), the more likely they are to engage in increased high-risk or self-injurious behaviors such as smoking, drinking, illicit drug use, promiscuity/pregnancy, cutting and suicidal ideations and/or attempts. For children and teens, it’s important for parents to try to understand these behaviors through a “trauma lens” as a way for the child to cope with overwhelming amounts of toxic stress. Teens are often impulsive, emotionally reactive and have poor regulation skills. Knowing our ACE score helps us to gain insight into why we may be struggling with feelings of depression, shame, guilt, anxiety or loneliness. To relieve these feelings, many of us resort to overeating, drugs (nicotine, marijuana, opioids) or alcohol as a way to get temporary relief from the toxic stress that lives in our bodies and minds. Adverse childhood experiences and other traumatic events in childhood do not have to dictate the future. Children are both malleable and resilient. Children survive and can even thrive despite the early trauma they experienced in their lives. For these children, adverse events and protective factors experienced together have the potential to strengthen resiliency. The most significant factor that will help a child cope with ACEs such as exposure to violence, trauma or abuse is having at least one dependable, meaningful, primary attachment relationship. One adult caregiver who has developed a positive, trusting and committed relationship with the child is the most critical factor in assisting the child in healing from a traumatic history. For adults, knowing and understanding our ACE score gives us the ability to have compassion for our younger selves having survived a tremendous amount of toxic stress in our childhood. It can also serve to guide us to our strengths and resiliencies as we learn to replace those negative coping strategies with ones that are building us up, relieving our distress and helping us feel more connected to ourselves and to others. To learn more about ACEs, go to https://acestoohigh.com.

100

FACTS ABOUT ACEs The myth that babies and small children “don’t remember” what happens to them may lead to parents and professionals underestimating the lingering effects of neglect, trauma and impaired attachment on the developing brain. Neuroscience has proven that, by age three, about 90 percent of core brain structures have been formed. ACEs negatively impact the brain’s social-emotional learning during these critical periods of development. The result is overwhelming amounts of internal toxic stress, chronic fear, anxiety, anger and shame.

ZERO

36% ONE

26% TWO

16% THREE

9.5% FOUR OR MORE

12.5%

Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (https://vetoviolence.cdc.gov) and ACEs Too High (https://acestoohigh.com)

Figure 3.1 How common are ACEs? • An ACE score of four or more—you are seven times more likely to become an alcoholic. • An ACE score of six or more—decreased life expectancy by 20 years compared to an ACE score of 0. • An ACE score of seven or more—increased suicide attempts by 3,100 percent compared to an ACE score of 0. (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention [https://vetoviolence. cdc.gov] and ACEs Too High [https://acestoohigh.com]) For adults, knowing and understanding our ACE score gives us the ability to have compassion for our younger selves having survived trauma, neglect, a parent’s mental illness or addiction, violence and/or deep shaming. Knowing our ACE score helps us gain insight into why we may be struggling with feelings of depression, shame, guilt, anxiety or loneliness. To relieve these feelings, we may resort to overeating, drugs (nicotine, marijuana, opioids) or alcohol as a way to get temporary relief from the toxic stress that lives in our bodies and minds. Toxic stress occurs when a child is exposed to overwhelming amounts of fear and distress related to violence, threats of violence, physical or sexual abuse, parental loss or abandonment, foster care, parental addiction, and/or mental illness. Toxic stress, shame, unhealthy guilt and anxiety are carried within our heart, mind and body into adulthood. Our job is to heal our heart, mind and body so we do not inadvertently transfer unacknowledged trauma, pain and suffering to our children.

101

ADVERSE CHILD EXPERIENCES For adults, knowing and understanding our ACEs score gives us the ability to have compassion for our younger selves having survived trauma, neglect, a parent’s mental illness or addiction, violence and deep shaming. Knowing our ACEs score helps us gain insight into why we may be struggling with feelings of depression, shame, guilt, anxiety, or loneliness. To relieve these feelings, we may resort to over-eating, using drugs (nicotine, marijuana, opioids) or alcohol as way to get temporary relief from the toxic stress that lives in our bodies and minds. Toxic stress occurs when a child is exposed to overwhelming amounts of fear and distress related to violence, threats of violence, physical or sexual abuse, parental loss or abandonment, foster care, parental addiction, and/or mental illness. The toxic stress, shame, unhealthy guilt and anxiety are carried within our heart, mind and body into adulthood. Our job is to heal our heart, mind and body so we do not inadvertently transfer our pain and suffering to our children.

Adult

Adolescence

Pre-teen

School age latency

Infancy and toddlerhood

102

FINDING YOUR ACE SCORE (Source: Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/aces) While you were growing up, during your first 18 years of life: 1. Did a parent or other adult in the household often…swear at you, insult you, put you down or humiliate you? Or act in a way that made you afraid that you might be physically hurt? Yes No If yes enter 1 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 2. Did a parent or other adult in the household often…push, grab, slap or throw something at you? Or ever hit you so hard that you had marks or were injured? Yes No If yes enter 1 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 3. Did an adult or person at least five years older than you ever…touch or fondle you or have you touch their body in a sexual way? Or try to or actually have oral, anal or vaginal sex with you? Yes No If yes enter 1 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 4. Did you often feel that…no one in your family loved you or thought you were important? Or your family didn’t look out for each other, feel close to each other or support each other? Yes No If yes enter 1 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 5. Did you often feel that…you didn’t have enough to eat, had to wear dirty clothes or had no one to protect you? Or your parents were too drunk/high to take care of you or take you to the doctor? Yes No If yes enter 1 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 6. Were your parents ever separated or divorced or did they leave you? Yes No If yes enter 1 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

103

THE SEVEN CORE ISSUES WORKBOOK FOR PARENTS OF TRAUMATIZED CHILDREN AND TEENS

7. Was your mother or stepmother: often pushed, grabbed, slapped or had something thrown at her? Or sometimes or often kicked, bitten, hit with a fist or hit with something hard? Or ever repeatedly hit or threatened with a gun or knife? Yes No If yes enter 1 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 8. Did you live with anyone who was a problem drinker or alcoholic or who used drugs? Yes No If yes enter 1 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 9. Was a household member depressed or mentally ill or did a household member attempt suicide? Yes No If yes enter 1 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 10. Did a household member go to prison? Yes No If yes enter 1 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Now go to https://acestoohigh.com to learn more about your score and ways you can better attend to your physical, emotional and mental health needs.

104

MY ACE STORY When bad things happen to us as children, it may be hard to talk about because it’s easy to get overwhelmed or flooded by the feelings connected to those memories. It is important to tell the story of what happened to us as children because childhood trauma is never the fault of the child. Telling the truth of your story may help to relieve any lingering guilt, shame, self-loathing or embarrassment.

When I was younger, I remember a time when: ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... .........................................................................................

First: ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... .........................................................................................

Next, I remember: ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... .........................................................................................

Last, I remember: ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... .........................................................................................

105

THE SEVEN CORE ISSUES WORKBOOK FOR PARENTS OF TRAUMATIZED CHILDREN AND TEENS

......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... .........................................................................................

I remember feeling: ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... .........................................................................................

When I think about that memory now, I feel: ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... .........................................................................................

These are the things that I did in order to survive and cope: ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... .........................................................................................

These are the things I do now to feel safe: ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... .........................................................................................

106

Shame and Guilt

These are the people in my life who support me: ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... .........................................................................................

Now when I get upset, I can: ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... .........................................................................................

107

WHAT TO DO WITH ALL THAT STRESS! Parents and children experience STRESS through their senses (body).

Did you know there is good stress and bad stress? From the moment we enter the world, we are learning how to cope with stress or adversity, and it is an important part of healthy human development. All babies and children have developmental milestones that require them to learn something new. These necessary developmental learning experiences create adversity and challenges for the child that become “good stress.” Children will be making mistakes and feeling upset, as they are challenged to learn new things. These experiences help them to learn the skills of resilience, overcoming challenges and bouncing back from stressful events. Bad or toxic stress does not refer to the cause of the stress. It refers to the body’s physiological response to the stress. Your heart rate increases, your blood pressure goes up, stress hormones are activated and this triggers a fight/flight/freeze response. The difference between toxic stress and good stress is the extent to which children/people can manage the stress by feeling some sense of safety and control, which leads to bringing our stress system back down to baseline (homeostasis). For children, prolonged states of toxic stress can slow, or even stop, both brain development and physical growth. For babies, toddlers and children, their ability to manage their own stress and emotions is not entirely up to them. They are dependent on their parents and caregivers to help their bodies return to a calm state after a distressing event. Attachment plays a critical role in helping children to decrease toxic stress and return to a calm state, and to learn emotional regulation skills that allow them to bounce back from distressing events. These regulation skills are most easily learned when children experience good stress which requires supportive, loving caregivers who can help the child return to homeostasis, thus providing a co-regulating experience between parent and child, minimizing feelings of isolation, fear and despair. To de-stress the family home environment for everyone, parents should think about how their senses experience their own home. What do you see? What do you hear? What do you smell? How does it feel to be in your home and family? We experience stress through our sensory systems. For example, loud noises, people yelling and dogs barking can feel overwhelming. Listening to the sounds of the ocean or rain, or rhythmic music, feels calming and relaxing. A home that is overly cluttered and disorganized may trigger some people. Certain strong odors may also trigger a stress response. Try these de-stressing the home tips: • All children need to feel safe. They need to feel secure knowing their parents can take care of them and meet their needs no matter what else is going on in the adults’ lives. Parents who provide that sense of safety must feel that sense of safety themselves. None of us can feel safe

108

Shame and Guilt

•

•

•

•

•

•

•

and secure by ourselves all of the time; humans are wired to be in relationship with one another in order to feel safe and secure. Feelings of safety and security are rooted in permanent attachment relationships. Exercise. Our bodies need to be “in motion” to de-stress; be creative and get your body moving. When we are in a fearful or anxious state, we are in a heightened state of arousal or alarm, relying on lower-functioning brain regions. Walking, running, dancing, singing and repetitive meditative breathing all use brain stem-related somatosensory networks, which calms the body and brain. Structure your day. We all feel better when our world is predictable and stable. Create daily “together time” by having family meals, creating bedtime routines and adding play and reading time. Children are more resilient if they have predictable relationships and routines that they can depend on when stress increases. When children have experienced years of toxic stress that was extreme and prolonged, without the needed consistency in both relationships and structured routines, their ability to regulate their emotions and bounce back from daily stressors is limited. Play is probably the most important stress reducer. Parents and children need to have outlets for the physical energy that toxic stress creates. Play with your child. Play creates opportunities for problem-solving, taking turns, making decisions, sharing, being silly, laughing—all of which strengthens resilience and coping skills. “Serve and return” interactions strengthen brain development. Take a sensory break. Give your child and yourself a sensory break. Allow your sensory system to go into “shutdown”: be quiet, calm and still. The mind cannot calm down inside a body filled with toxic stress. Try music, drawing, meditation, yoga, walking, reading. Limit screens and media. Children and parents can easily absorb other people’s anxiety, fear, negativity and stress. Emotions are very contagious and children often sense when others are anxious, stressed or scared. Avoid media that is violent, scary or over-stimulating as it activates the brain’s stress response system. Teach your child the “language of emotion.” Become a family that talks about all feelings, including those that are stressful such as anxiety, fear, sadness, shame, guilt and anger. All feelings are a part of the human experience; none are good or bad. They need to be labeled, acknowledged and expressed. Learning to label and express our feelings takes practice. Use feelings cards, books and games to make learning about feelings FUN. Go to www.childswork.com for ideas. Make a list of “Ten Things We Can Do to De-Stress our Family” and post it on your refrigerator. Each day a new family member gets to pick one activity. Proactively de-stress your family and home to minimize the impact of toxic stress.

109

GOOD STRESS VS BAD STRESS From the moment we enter the world, we are learning to cope with stress and adversity; it’s part of child and human development. Toxic stress does not refer to the cause of the stress. It refers to the body’s physiological response to the stress. Your heart rate increases, your blood pressure goes up and stress hormones are activated, which triggers a fight/flight/freeze response. The difference between toxic stress and manageable stress is the extent to which we can bounce back and return our body and mind to a state of calm.

Ten Things I Do to De-Stress My Body and Mind 1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

7.

8.

9.

10.

110

SELF-ESTEEM BELIEFS We all internalize beliefs about ourselves based on childhood experiences. Some of us may have negative or faulty beliefs about ourselves that can keep us from feeling positive or enjoying our life, parenting and relationships. Child/adult with a history of neglect may believe: • • • • • • •

Child/adult with a history of abuse/trauma may believe:

I don’t matter No one cares I’m not important or valuable or worthy I don’t know who I am I don’t know what is right I am a victim I don’t know how to get close

• • • • • •

I am bad, damaged, broken Everything is my fault I’m not important or valuable or worthy I deserve bad things to happen to me I am weak, not powerful I don’t trust others; I stay isolated to avoid emotional closeness • If people get close to me, they will see how bad or worthless I am

Replace those negative beliefs/thoughts with … Self-esteem: Positive beliefs • • • • • • • • •

I am good, valuable, important and worthy I was a victim of trauma/neglect and I am strong and resilient It’s okay to ask for what I need I deserve to have good people and things in my life I am loveable and loved I am unique, there is only ONE me in the whole world I can trust and depend on others; others can trust and depend upon me I have strengths and talents that I can nurture and share with others I’m really good at . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . and . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Print and practice these daily! Repetition is the key. To unlearn an automatic thought pattern as an adult, we must create new pathways in our brain that will help break the “old pattern” and replace it with new learning.

111

GUILT AND SHAME IN THE PARENTING GAME Guilt and shame are learned emotions. Cultures and families use guilt to teach family and cultural values and societal expectations. Healthy guilt is an adaptive emotion, while shame is maladaptive. Shame is experienced when a parent ignores, demeans, intentionally harms or traumatizes a child. A secure parent-child attachment relationship will allow for healthy guilt which is the foundation for conscience development.

Healthy guilt

Unhealthy guilt

Shame

What is it?

An uncomfortable feeling about something we’ve done that we know is wrong.

A consistent feeling of not being able to live up to our own and others’ expectations.

A feeling that I am deeply flawed, broken, bad, damaged and/or “less than” others.

Example

When a child hits his sibling and the parent responds by saying, “Our family doesn’t hit. How would you feel if your sibling hit you?”

When a child hits his sibling and the parent responds by saying, “Why do you always hit your sibling? How many times do I have to tell you not to hit?”

When a child hits his sibling and the parent responds by hitting/hurting the child and saying, “You are mean, stupid and dumb.”

Feelings

Parent is feeling concern and empathy. Child is feeling stressed, frustrated, hurt or embarrassed.

Parent is feeling angry, frustrated or powerless. Child is feeling scared, hurt, overwhelmed and helpless.

Parent is feeling inadequate, rejected, enraged, like a failure. Child is feeling terror, isolated, confused and overwhelmed.

Outcomes

Healthy guilt allows the child to learn positive social and emotional skills and behaviors such as empathy and forgiveness.

Unhealthy guilt teaches the child to punish themselves and think negatively about their skills and abilities.

Shame teaches the child that there is something wrong, flawed or bad about who they are.

Helpful tips

Allow yourself and your child to make mistakes, take responsibility for those mistakes and learn new ways of coping with life’s stressors. Have empathy for yourself and your child, use forgiveness as a tool to repair relationships.

Become aware of your “negative self-talk” so you understand your emotional triggers. Identify your strengths, skills and abilities. Create healthy outlets for your toxic stress so your anger, frustration and pain are not projected onto your child.

De-shame your selftalk; accept and forgive yourself for being a child/person who makes mistakes. Take three deep breaths before you react when emotionally triggered; think through your options and then make an empowering choice.

112

FOUR INGREDIENTS OF SELF-ESTEEM Our childhood lays the foundation for our self-esteem and self-worth. How our parents emotionally attune and respond to our attachment and developmental needs will largely determine our level of self-esteem. There are four necessary ingredients for healthy self-esteem.

My Self-esteem

Uniqueness

Connectiveness

• Knowing that there is something special about oneself, there is only one me! • Knowing other people think we are special • Being able to express ourselves in own unique way • Respecting ourselves and valuing our own uniqueness

• • • •

Identifying with a group Connecting to a past; or a heritage Feeling we are important to others Knowing that the people we are connected to are seen in a good light • We belong to something or someone • We fit in with our family, clan and community

Power

Role models

• Feeling that our voice matters • Being able to use our skills and talents • Feeling self-empowered and motivated to find our purpose and solve problems • Feeling that we have some control over our life and can make good life decisions for ourselves

113

• Knowing people worthy of admiration • Feeling competent that we know the difference between right and wrong • Having values and beliefs that guide us • Having goals our role models support • Being able to make sense of what’s happening around us • Having role models that reflect us

CONNECTIVENESS QUESTIONNAIRE List the people you feel the most connected to and accepted by in your family, clan and community: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Describe the ways that you are connected to the people you listed: ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... How do you know that you are important to them? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... How would people outside your family, clan or community describe themselves? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... In what ways are you like your family, clan and community? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... .........................................................................................

114

Shame and Guilt

What parts of your heritage, family history and racial/ethnic/cultural background are valued by you? And why? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... What parts of your heritage, family history and, racial/ethnic/cultural background are you wanting to pass down to your child? How? Why? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... What important relationships are you wanting to share with your child? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... In what ways has the experience of infertility, foster care, kinship and/or adoption impacted your ability to connect with other parents or given you a sense of belonging? (Example: “I don’t fit with all those young moms talking about their pregnancy and birthing stories.”) ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... In what ways have these experiences impacted your connections with your partner, family and extended family? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... .........................................................................................

115

UNIQUENESS QUESTIONNAIRE List all the ways YOU are unique and special; there is only ONE you! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

How do all of those aspects of your uniqueness impact your life? Why? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... Where do you think these unique aspects of yourself come from? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... What other people do you know who share some of your unique characteristics? Do you feel closer to them or are you competitive with them? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... Who are the people that you feel have recognized and valued your uniqueness? How do you know they value your uniqueness? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... .........................................................................................

116

Shame and Guilt

Who are the people you feel have not recognized and/or have devalued your uniqueness? In what ways have they devalued your uniqueness? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... At what age did you begin to recognize your unique characteristics? What events and/or which individuals assisted in your feeling more comfortable with your uniqueness? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... Over time, how have you expressed your uniqueness? What has changed from childhood and adolescence into adulthood? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... How do you value and recognize the uniqueness in others? Share some examples of individuals who are different from you and how you have respected and valued their uniqueness. ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... In what ways has the experience of infertility, foster care, kinship and/or adoption impacted your feelings about your own uniqueness? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... .........................................................................................

117

POWER QUESTIONNAIRE List all the ways that you feel powerful and in control of your life: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

List all the ways you feel powerless and out of control in your life: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

What events and circumstances have allowed you to feel empowered? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... What events and circumstances have created feelings of powerlessness? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... What relationships and people have empowered you? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... .........................................................................................

118

Shame and Guilt

What relationships and people have disempowered you? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... In what ways do you use your voice, opinions and ideas to empower yourself and others? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... What skills and talents in you do you recognize and use to empower yourself? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... In what ways has the experience of infertility, foster care, kinship and/or adoption either empowered or disempowered you? How and why? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... If you have felt disempowered and a loss of control through your journey to parenthood, how have you regained control and re-empowered yourself? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... .........................................................................................

119

ROLE MODELS QUESTIONNAIRE List all the positive role models in your life: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

What are the values, beliefs and characteristics of your role models? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

In what ways have these role models been supportive and helpful? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... Describe how you are similar to your role models: ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... How have your role models supported your goals and personal growth? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... .........................................................................................

120

Shame and Guilt

We often choose role models who reflect our racial/ethnic and cultural background. In what ways do your role models strengthen your racial/ethnic and cultural heritage and identity? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... Who are your parenting role models? And why? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... Who are your role models connected to infertility, foster care, kinship and adoption? And why? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... Having “parenting peers” who have experienced infertility, foster care, kinship and adoption gives us much needed support during stressful times. Who are your “parenting peers” that you can lean on in times of crisis and distress? In what ways have they supported you on your parenting journey? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... .........................................................................................

121

LIKING MYSELF Some of us grew up with critical or negative messages about ourselves. We may struggle to see ourselves in a positive light or even like ourselves. Practice focusing on your positive and likeable qualities.

My name is . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . I am . . . . . . . . . years old and am unique and intelligent. I’m really interested in quite a few things: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

I also have learned a lot while I’ve been here on the planet. Here are some of the positive things that I’ve learned about myself: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Here are some things that I’m really good at: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

My favorite things to do in my spare time are: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

122

Shame and Guilt

I also know that no one is perfect and I make mistakes. These are some things I’m not very good at: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

I also like to learn about new things. These are some things I’m interested in learning more about: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Through the years, others have shared that they like the following things about me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

These are the things that I like most about myself: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

123

RADICAL SELF-ACCEPTANCE Mirror, mirror on the wall, I’m saying these positive statements to myself so I can “radically accept” that I’m doing the best I can. When I know better, I do better! When I feel better, I do better! List and then recite five positive statements of encouragement so that you can radically accept yourself.

Radical self-acceptance allows you to learn and grow through mistakes, relax and enjoy parenting! It also allows you to accept your child unconditionally: their own unique learning process, temperament, quirks and challenges! 124

SHAME AND GUILT: MY KEY POINTS LIST Reflect on what you learned about yourself from the exercises and activities on shame and guilt. Make a Key Points List of the most meaningful and important lessons for you as a parent.

• . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . • . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . • . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . • . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . • . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . • . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . • . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . • . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . • . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . • . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . • . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . • . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Now that you have carefully explored your experiences and feelings about shame and guilt, you can use those insights to acknowledge, validate and heal any unresolved grief. Most human suffering is connected to love and loss.

125

—  Chapter 4  —

GRIEF Mast ery /C on

cy ima t n I

l tro

I d e n tit y

Reje

cti o n

LOSS Gr

ie f

Sha

G m e/

u il

t

Grief is the healing process of the heart and mind! Grief is the gateway to healing; in order to get to the gains in adoption, foster care and kinship, a person must acknowledge the losses they have experienced and the impact that rejection, shame and guilt have had on their lives and relationships. Pain is part of the reality of living and loving. Acknowledging loss and making room for the “work of grief” is essential to any healing process. Grief is messy, hard work and may feel never ending. Grief is connected to remembering, recollecting, feeling, questioning, accepting and reorganizing. In our society, there are few acceptable outlets for healthy grieving. We live in a “quick-fix” society where you are expected to get over your losses quickly. Children are rarely taught how to cope with loss, deep sadness and pain. The problem is that unacknowledged grief and pain can accumulate, simmer and turn into bitterness, depression and anger. Grieving is important because it allows us to express our deepest feelings of hurt, sorrow and pain. When we are free to express the feelings connected to our grief, it allows us to move through our pain, get the comfort

127

THE SEVEN CORE ISSUES WORKBOOK FOR PARENTS OF TRAUMATIZED CHILDREN AND TEENS

and support we need from those we trust and love, and once again feel hopeful, connected and loved. Grief is the healing process of the heart, mind and body. Grief is a personal and highly individual experience. Grieving depends on many factors including one’s personality, gender, culture, age, temperament, religious and spiritual beliefs, coping styles, life experiences, the developmental stage a loss occurred at, and the nature of that loss. Everyone grieves according to their own timeline, beliefs, emotions and coping strategies. There is no recipe to follow. The “work of grief” is like riding a roller coaster with many ups and downs. Triggers for grieving are everywhere and catch us by surprise. When we are grieving, we may be unfocused, forgetful and unable to complete tasks or learn. While we are grieving, our immune system may be lowered, our throat may feel tight and we may experience heaviness in our chest. Sometimes when grieving, we may do things in extremes such as not sleep, or sleep all the time, or we may have no appetite or be unable to stop eating. Grief can come in waves of emotion that can bring both sadness and longing, as well as smiles and laughter. Children who have suffered significant, life-altering losses often express fear, anxiety and anger. Painful and distressing feelings in children are typically repressed and/or displaced. This may lead to “reactive behaviors” such as defiance, avoidance, isolation, rage, self-injury and aggression. Parents can easily misread the child’s grief and trauma-response behaviors—and react to the child’s distress by being punitive, angry, withholding and emotionally reactive. It is the parents who set the “emotional tone” in the family and who are modeling how the family does “BIG feelings” like grief, hurt, fear and anger. It helps when parents understand that it is typical for children to feel angry, agitated, distressed or numb by the overwhelming losses they have suffered. Children need reassurance that their parents understand and are there to teach them how to identify and express their deep hurt and BIG feelings. Learning the “language of emotion” and modeling healthy ways of expressing feelings like sadness, hurt, fear and anger are important tasks for all parents. When parents have had childhood losses and traumatic experiences that have not been grieved, their unexpressed or repressed suffering will make it difficult for them to attune with their child’s emotional needs. Parents who avoid the “work of grief” and suffer internally, without healthy outlets for their loss and pain, may be unable to meet the emotional needs of a grieving child. Developing a secure parent-child attachment relationship requires the parent to emotionally attune to the child’s pain, distress and needs. This requires us as parents to have a deep understanding of our own internal emotional landscape, especially any landmines, and the skills to express our deepest feelings in a healthy way.

128

Grief

MYTHS ABOUT GRIEF There are many myths about grief that we learn from our family, culture and society. These myths can make it hard for us to be comfortable expressing the deep feelings connected to grief. Many of us suffer in isolation or repress these painful emotions, which stunts our grief process. Feel free to add some additional myths to our list. • There is a set time limit to our grief. • There is a specific pattern that describes how grief unfolds. • This is all a part of God’s plan: “They’re in a better place.” • Grief needs to be “resolved”; there is an ending to our grief. • “Think positive” and you will avoid the pain and suffering of grief. • Your loss is not “big enough” or important enough to be grieved. • “You’ll be okay” (this can minimize the intense emotions of grief). • Only sad feelings are acceptable while grieving. • Parents should shelter their children from grief. • You should keep your emotions to yourself and grieve in isolation. • If you played a role in the loss, you do not have a right to grieve. • ? • ? • ? • ? • ?

129

MY GRIEF QUESTIONNAIRE Describe your beliefs about grief and grieving. Where did you get these beliefs? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... What losses needed to be grieved in your family? How did various family members grieve those losses? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... What strong emotions did you observe and experience in your grieving family? How were emotions such as despair, shame, fear, anger and blame expressed? Did family members withdraw or isolate? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... Were there any unhealthy responses to grief such as drug/alcohol abuse, physical or emotional abuse, domestic violence, parental alienation or divorce? If yes, describe its impact on you: ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... As a child, what did you learn about grief as your family experienced a loss? How did that affect you as a child? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... .........................................................................................

130

Grief

What traditions and rituals did your family use to grieve? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... As an adult looking back on how your family grieved, what do you think your parents could have done differently to help you cope with the BIG feelings connected to grief? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... What have you grieved and what did you do to cope with your losses? Were those effective and would you use them again? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... Who do you trust with your most intimate feelings of grief, sadness, anger and despair? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... How have you helped others through their grief process? What did you do and how did it make you feel? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... .........................................................................................

131

THE SEVEN CORE ISSUES WORKBOOK FOR PARENTS OF TRAUMATIZED CHILDREN AND TEENS

What have you learned about yourself as you did your “grief work?” ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... What traditions and rituals connected to grief and grieving will you incorporate into your parenting/ family? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... Parenting children with a history of loss, trauma and/or attachment disruptions will create more grief and “grief work” for the parents/family. What things can you do as a parent to create a safe and accepting home environment for the BIG emotions connected to grief? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... For children, BIG feelings are overwhelming. It is often the isolation connected to their loss, trauma and grief that triggers intense emotions. Families that grieve together send a strong message to their child that they are not alone with their pain and suffering. What can you do to help your child express BIG feelings like grief, sorrow, sadness and fear? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... .........................................................................................

Sorrow shared is halved; while joy shared is doubled.

132

GRIEF IN MY MIND, HEART AND BODY Grief and grieving affects our mind, heart and body. Loss, suffering and mourning are a normal part of the human experience. Reflect on the questions below.

Mind What thoughts and themes run through your mind when you’re grieving?

Heart What feelings do you experience when you’re grieving?

Body How does your body feel when you’re grieving? Where in your body do you experience the symptoms of grief?

133

GRIEF AND MY MIND When we are grieving, we may want to retreat both physically and emotionally into a dark cave for protection. Our thoughts can get dark when we are suffering. Write some of the thoughts and themes that go through your mind when you are grieving.

134

GRIEF AND MY HEART When we are grieving it can feel as though our heart is breaking. Use colors, words and/or images to fill your heart with all of the feelings and emotions you have when you are grieving and mourning.

135

GRIEF AND MY BODY The emotions and symptoms we experience in response to grief are also felt in our bodies. Physical symptoms like a lump in our throat, intestinal problems, tightness in our chest, headaches, loss of appetite, lethargy and sleepiness are all connected to grief. On the body below, draw, color or write how your body experiences the grief process.

136

GRIEF IS MESSY! The truth about grief and grieving is that it is messy, difficult and often lonely. There is no set timeline, pattern or process for grieving. Grief that results from a significant, life-altering loss brings BIG intense emotions that can feel overwhelming and frightening.

List the big feelings you have connected to your grief. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

137

GRIEF AND MY FAMILY We first learn about grief, loss and how to express or cope with our BIG feelings inside our family. Complete the following based on what you learned growing up in your family. What did you learn about expressing strong feelings, such as anger, fear, sadness, pain and loneliness, during your childhood?

When I was a child, my parents expressed feelings like sorrow, pain, fear and/or sadness by . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ...................................................................................... ......................................................................................

Growing up in my family, when I was sad and grieving I would . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ...................................................................................... ...................................................................................... ......................................................................................

Messages about feelings

Messages about children and grief

........................................

........................................

........................................

........................................

........................................

........................................

........................................

........................................

........................................

........................................

These are the things I would change about how BIG feelings like grief, sorrow, pain and sadness were expressed in my family: ...................................................................................... ...................................................................................... ...................................................................................... ...................................................................................... ...................................................................................... ......................................................................................

138

GRIEF IN ADOPTION, FOSTER CARE AND KINSHIP Core Issues Grid, 1–4 The losses created through adoption, foster care and kinship are profound, lifelong and life altering. Parents have their own losses that need to be acknowledged and grieved so they are emotionally able to support their child through the losses and grief work that surface over time developmentally. Child/adult adoptee

Birth/first parent

Permanent parent

Loss

Loss of maternal and paternal familial tree. Why didn’t they want me? Loss of culture/ ethnic/racial heritage and relationships. Loss of the truth and facts of my story and families of origin. Loss of maternal and paternal familial trees creates secondary and ambiguous losses through each developmental stage.

Overwhelmed by lost child; initial loss merges with other life events; pain/yearning/despair may lead to isolation; changes in body and self-image. Emotional numbing, addiction and self-loathing: “What kind of person loses their child or gives up their child?”

Infertility equated with loss of self and immortality; issues of entitlement lead to fear of loss of child/over-protection; loss of impact on child’s early years. Loss of seeing themselves in the child. Loss of giving own parents a genetic grandchild.

Rejection

“Why didn’t my ‘real’ family want me or work harder to keep me?” Feels like a personal rejection; issues of self-esteem; can only be “chosen” if first rejected; anticipate rejections; misperceive situations and may provoke rejection out of fear of further rejection.

Reject self as irresponsible, unworthy because they created an unsafe situation (drugs/abuse/ etc.). Adoption/rights terminated; turn these feelings against self as deserving rejection; come to expect and cause rejection.

Ostracized because of procreation difficulties; scapegoat partner; fear rejection by birth parents or the agency/homestudy process; may reject child to avoid anticipated rejection; child’s behaviors may cause rejection by others.

Shame/ Guilt

Deserving misfortune; shame of being different or “not wanted”; may take defensive stance/anger. Shame about not feeling “good enough” to be kept by parent, family, community or country.

Shame of not being prepared to parent. Shame of neglect/abuse of child. Guilt for placing or losing a child; judged by others; double-bind: not okay to keep child and not okay to place. “I deserve bad things to happen to me.”

Shame of infertility; view childlessness as curse or punishment; religious crisis; shame about child’s behaviors; guilt if they don’t like the child.

139

THE SEVEN CORE ISSUES WORKBOOK FOR PARENTS OF TRAUMATIZED CHILDREN AND TEENS

Grief

Understanding of core losses, secondary losses and ambiguous losses unfolds over childhood and intensifies in adolescence. Grief may be overlooked, minimized or blocked by adults/ parents. Feelings of depression, isolation, anger and/or “acting out”; may grieve lack of “fit” in adoptive family.

Grief may be delayed 10–15 years; lack rituals for mourning; sense of shame blocks grief. May project blame and anger onto others. May feel undeserving of empathy. May work hard to “not feel” and use substances/ alcohol to avoid the suffering and pain of grief.

140

Pain of infertility. Must grieve loss of “fantasy” child and the path of “traditional parenting”; “I’m not the mother/ father I thought I would be”; unresolved grief may block attachment to child; may experience child’s grief and trauma as attachment deepens.

Grief

THE ATTACHMENT PYRAMID AND GRIEF Parenting children who experience attachment disruptions, neglect and/or trauma is different from parenting a non-traumatized child. Parents can experience vicarious trauma, pain, anger, sadness and depression as their child’s trauma triggers fear of closeness and fear of further rejection. The child’s trauma is triggered through the emotional intimacy of the parent-child attachment relationship. Feeling emotions and being comfortable with BIG emotions are important parts of the healing process. Your child will have lots of BIG and often intense or overwhelming feelings. They will need your help in understanding, validating and expressing their hurt, scared, angry, sad and painful feelings.

THE GIFTS OF A SECURE ATTACHMENT

Me Secure Conscience, Disciplined Cooperative, Respectful, Motivated Well-being, Empathy, Mastery, Self-worth Attached, Rooted, Belonging, Connectedness, Loved, Safe

141

CHILDHOOD TRAUMA AND ­ATTACHMENT DISRUPTIONS The internal emotional landscape of a child who has experienced chronic relational trauma and neglect in their attachment caregiving system or a series of rotating “parents” or residential care results in a child who has never had their developmental and attachment needs met.

Me Angry, Defensive, Overwhelmed Scared, Worried, Needy, Mad Lonely, Confused, Oppositional Narcissistic, Sad, Defiant Powerless, Helpless, Demanding Shame, Hurt, Self-loathing, Frightened Abuse, Neglect, Pain, Suffering, Alone, Fear Abandoned, Rejected, Victimized, Isolated, Despair

• Parents who are attaching, claiming and parenting a child with a history of trauma, neglect and/or attachment disruptions need to have increased emotional regulation and attunement skills. • Healing from relational trauma requires the emotional intimacy, stability and love of a permanent parent: “Nothing stops my love.”

142

GRIEF AND THE STORY OF ADOPTION Parents begin their journey into adoption in a variety of ways. They may experience infertility, the loss of a child or a family crisis leading to kinship care or fostering to adopt. This created an unexpected journey with various losses and emotional landmines. Your child will be curious and will want to understand your journey to becoming their parent. Why did you decide to parent (adopt/foster or kinship) this particular child? How did you come to make the decision? What were the issues and losses? What was the process you went through? Who was involved? How long did it take? How did you get connected to your child?

Write the story of your adoption journey: ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... .........................................................................................

List the feelings connected to sharing your story with your child: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

143

PARENTING TRIGGERS AND RESPONSES Unacknowledged grief, pain or anger show up when we least expect it. We all have emotional triggers, and unique responses we’ve learned to cope with those triggers. In the box below on the left, write or draw your parenting triggers. In the box on the right, write or draw the ways you defend or protect yourself.

Trigger

Response

My child says, “I don’t have to listen to you, you’re not my real parent.”

I’m hurt, upset and angry and say loudly, “I am too your real parent.”

144

GRIEF AND THE SPECTRUM OF HUMAN INTELLIGENCES Individuals experience their world through their senses and their unique, multi-faceted ways of learning and expressing who they are and how they feel. Grief is connected to remembering, feeling, questioning, learning, accepting, reorganizing and expressing. We all have dominant forms of intelligence that help us make sense and respond to our suffering, pain and grief. • Verbal (IQ, intellectual intelligence) – Using executive functioning and words to communicate. • Mathematical-logical alacrity (IQ) – Using executive functioning to assess patterns, cause and effect and problem-solving. • Spatial capacity intelligence – Visual and spatial aesthetic intelligence and artistry. • Kinesthetic intelligence – Strengthened sensory, physical gifts and abilities – Learn by doing, and sensory driven. • Musical intelligence – Gifted musicians and composers. • Interpersonal skills (EQ, emotional intelligence) – People skills, emotional attunement, communication and conflict resolution skills. • Intrapsychic capacity (EQ) – Inner contentment, self-awareness, “know thyself.”

145

WHAT IS EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE? The wonderful news about emotional intelligence (EQ) is that it can be strengthened and nurtured at any point in our life. As parents of children who have experienced adoption, foster care and kinship, we must be more able to emotionally attune to the distress, pain and grief of our children. Parents who integrate the language of emotion into their day-to-day lives are teaching and modeling increased emotional intelligence. The skills of EQ include our ability to: • experience emotions – identify and recognize the feelings, emotions and moods of oneself and others. • have “thoughts” about our feelings – identify, name and communicate our feelings – recognize the interplay between our internal feelings and moods and our thought processes. • use our emotional wisdom – use our emotional knowledge and experiences to build healthy relationships and meaningful social interactions. • manage our inner emotional world – be open to feelings, and modulate them – modulate arousal levels; downregulate after a stress response and/or up-arouse into a pleasure state.

146

MY EQ Individuals with increased emotional intelligence generally have the following qualities: empathy, adaptability, friendliness, are respectful, are likeable, have interpersonal problem-solving skills and are resilient. Parents with increased emotional intelligence are more able to process their grief and help their child strengthen their EQ. The good news is that at any point in our lives we can increase our emotional intelligence. Answer the following with “never,” “sometimes” or “always”:

I find it easy to put my feelings into words. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . My feelings are clear to me at any given moment. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . I am emotionally balanced. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . I accept responsibility for my reactions. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Even when I’m upset, I’m aware of my feelings and actions. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . When I’m angry at someone I can manage my hurtful impulses. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . I care about what happens to others. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . I consider the impact my feelings and actions have on others. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . I can easily sense when I’m getting angry. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . I’m able to express and show affection. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . I’m generally a cheerful and friendly person. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . I find it easy to share my deep feelings with people I trust. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . I’m okay with others expressing strong emotions. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . My moods and emotions impact those around me. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . I’m generally patient and kind. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

147

THE LANGUAGE OF EMOTION To effectively express deep feelings of pain, loss and grief, we need to learn and use the language of emotion. Use these feeling words to identify and express the emotions that you experience in your day-to-day living so that you can become more comfortable expressing and modeling emotions. Tip for parents: the primary way children learn is through imitation. Our facial expressions, body language and feeling words should all match.

HAPPY

SAD

STRONG

CALM

• • • • • • • • •

• • • • • • • • •

• • • • • • • • •

• • • • • • • • •

Excited Cheerful Energetic Playful Silly Grateful Loving Optimistic Creative

Upset Heavy Tearful Sorrowful Lonely Bored Tired Guilty Depressed

Secure Confident Empowered Determined Powerful Unique Energetic Ambitious Adventuresome

Peaceful Secure Content Trusting Hopeful Valuable Relaxed Aware Thoughtful

ANGRY

HURT

ANXIOUS

SCARED

• • • • • • • • •

• • • • • • • • •

• • • • • • • • •

• • • • • • • • •

Frustrated Annoyed Mad Resentful Furious Bitter Critical Hateful Hostile

Rejected Let down Abandoned Crushed Punished Abused Damaged Criticized Ashamed

148

Worried Nervous Stuck Stressed Frozen Troubled Inadequate Embarrassed Desperate

Fearful Alone Overwhelmed Hurt Helpless Lost Victimized Insignificant Terrorized

IF FEELINGS COULD TALK We are wired to feel. Our emotions are an important form of communication. When we are aware of our feelings and what they are communicating to us, we are better able to meet our needs in a healthy way. Read and complete the following sentences to learn what your feelings are communicating to you.

LONELINESS might be telling me I need CONNECTION. SHAME might be telling me I need SELF-COMPASSION. ANXIETY might be telling me I need BRAVERY. RESENTMENT might be telling me I need FORGIVENESS. SADNESS might be telling me I need TO CRY. STRESS might be telling me I need . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ANGER might be telling me I need . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . HURT might be telling me I need . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . GUILT might be telling me I need . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 149

MY ANGRY VOLCANO Unacknowledged feelings and thoughts from our grief and pain can easily turn into bitter and angry feelings that simmer beneath the surface of our mind, heart and body. Anger is a common defense against deep feelings of sadness and hurt. If we don’t heal what hurt us, we’ll bleed on people who didn’t hurt us. Fill the lava pool below with all the bitter and angry feelings that become toxic stress as they get stuck in your mind, heart and body.

150

ACTIVITIES TO DISCHARGE PAIN AND GRIEF Grief and grieving create intense emotions and toxic stress that need to be discharged from the body, heart and mind. Below is a checklist of activities that allow you to release the angry energy and toxins.

Pound a drum or join a drumming circle. Paint, sculpt, scribble and draw your feelings. Listen to sad songs, watch a sad movie and have a good cry. Punch a punching bag or pillow, yell, growl and scream as loud as you want. Release toxins in your body through deep massage. Exercise, run, walk, ride a bike, kayak, do yoga—get your heart rate elevated and your blood circulating. Bang on pots and pans, throw wet sponges at your garage door, break things. What additional things can you do to release pain, grief and anger from your body? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

151

GRIEF AND MY CHILD’S STORY OF ADOPTION Parenting a child who you did not genetically create or give birth to means there are birth/first parents who are the progenitors of your child. Your child’s story did not begin with you as their parents. This can create feelings of insecurity, sadness and anxiety. One result is that parents may avoid talking about their child’s origin story, birth/first parents or the facts connected to the adoption. It is important for the child to know and understand why they were adopted and what were the circumstances and crisis that led to the need for adoption.

Write the story of your child’s adoption: ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... .........................................................................................

List the feelings you have connected to telling your child’s story: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

152

HEALING MY PARENTING OUCHES For kinship, foster and adoptive parents, this journey comes with additional issues and experiences that can bring pain and grief. Write down the healing messages that you could give yourself or that others could say to you, that will help you acknowledge, grieve and heal. Share these messages with someone you trust.

153

FORGIVING MYSELF We all make mistakes and have done things that have hurt ourselves or others. Forgiveness requires that we take full responsibility for these things. It allows us to take responsibility for our actions, let go of resentment and suffering, and reclaim our emotional well-being.

My name is . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . I am human and have made mistakes like all other humans. Here are some of the mistakes I’ve made, both BIG and little: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

The following mistakes have created hurt and suffering for myself or others: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

These are some of the things I can do to take responsibility for the hurt and suffering I have caused myself and others: ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... .........................................................................................

154

Grief

These are mistakes that I have trouble forgiving myself or others for: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

These are the feelings I have when I think about these mistakes: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

I am tired of continuously beating myself up for these mistakes. Below, write a letter of compassion and forgiveness to yourself or another:

Dear me, ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... .........................................................................................

155

WELCOMING A CHILD INTO MY HEART Rituals and ceremonies help us to acknowledge important shifts in our development or our family’s development. They serve to close a chapter and open a new chapter in our lives. Rituals and ceremonies function as benchmarks, guideposts and bridges for significant, life-altering events, such as welcoming a new child into our heart, home and family. A ritual and ceremony can assist extended family, clan or community to be a part of the “welcoming” of a child. Create a personal ritual/ceremony that will help you as a parent to welcome a child into your family, clan or community. Remember to engage all five senses to create a meaningful, memorable emotional experience.

Purpose of the ritual/ceremony: To welcome a child into our heart and home List of family and friends who can help welcome the child into the family and clan/community: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Location, music, food, story, poem, prayer: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

New parent/s: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . My commitment to open my heart and home to . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . (name of child): ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... .........................................................................................

156

Grief

New grandparents and/or godparents and/or siblings: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . My commitment to open my heart and home to . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . (name of child): ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... .........................................................................................

To everyone: It is never easy for a child to move from one home or family to another. We ask all of you to support and love us and our new son/daughter. We ask you to be patient, kind and committed to all of us while we are adjusting to becoming a family. We will have growing pains like all families and parents. We hope you reach out and offer support, love and a listening ear. Thank you for helping us welcome . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . (name of child) into our heart, home and community/clan.

157

GRIEF: MY KEY POINTS LIST Reflect on what you learned about yourself from the exercises and activities on grief. Make a Key Points List of the most meaningful and important lessons for you as a parent.

• . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . • . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . • . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . • . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . • . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . • . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . • . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . • . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . • . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . • . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . • . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . • . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Now that you have carefully explored your experiences, thoughts and feelings connected to the core issues of loss, rejection, shame/guilt and grief, you’re ready to bring those understandings and insights into the core issue of identity.

158

—  Chapter 5  —

IDENTITY Mast ery /C on

cy ima t n I

l tro

I d e n tit y

Reje

cti o n

LOSS Gr

ie f

Sha

G m e/

u il

t

The pursuit of self-identity is at the heart of the human journey. Identity is the fourth spoke in the wheel. Every individual is on a quest to understand who they are and where they fit—their reason for being. Identity includes our values, beliefs, spiritual identification, national and political associations, talents, intellectual capabilities, sexual self-image, gender, role, collective and social identity, personality traits, racial, ethnic and cultural heritage, age, personal expectations and our physical characteristics and career paths. All of these are facets of our identity and unfold over time with a major thrust in adolescence. Identity can either be self-described or attributed by others and can be either positive or destructive. Self-identity emerges from relationships with others. Before there is an “I,” there is a “we.” We are social-emotional beings built to live in meaningful connections within our family and clan. Abuse, neglect, trauma and multiple attachment disruptions have a significant effect on all aspects of a child’s development and identity. Stories that are broken due to historical or personal

159

THE SEVEN CORE ISSUES WORKBOOK FOR PARENTS OF TRAUMATIZED CHILDREN AND TEENS

events can make it difficult for people to understand themselves because important pieces of information may be missing, diminished or distorted. Children, teens and adult adoptees may experience themselves as incomplete or unfinished when important parts of their story, or actual people, are missing. Adoption and permanency alter all constellation members’ identities. The norms, values and beliefs of a culture have a great impact on how children and parents touched by foster care, adoption and kinship are viewed. Constellation members are absorbing the spoken and unspoken messages of the society that they are embedded in and may take on the labels that are projected onto them. Identity is defined by both what a person is and what a person is not. Birth/first parents are both parents and then not parents; adoptive/permanent parents are not parents to a specific child and then are parents to that child; and children born into one family become part of another family and take on the new family’s identity. Constellation members who carry more than one identity in the constellation, for example a birth/first mother who becomes an adoptive mother, have more complex challenges related to those dual roles and identity. The core issues of adoption and permanency change everyone’s identities. If constellation members have acknowledged and identified their losses, examined their feelings of rejection or fear of rejection, become aware of any issues connected to shame and guilt and address their grief process, they have the opportunity to build a cohesive identity that includes their adoption and permanency status. Healthy identity formation allows constellation members to experience the gains in adoption and permanency. If, however, children/adoptees and parents have not fully addressed the initial core issues, identity challenges may occur. The last three core issues are focused on creating empowerment and healing; it is a shift from losses to gains.

160

MY IDENTITY QUESTIONNAIRE Describe yourself in a few short sentences: ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... We all have an internal mental image of ourselves. Write how you think and feel about yourself: ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... How do you think those that know you well would describe you? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... Identity includes: our values, beliefs, spiritual identification, national and political associations, talents, intellectual capabilities, sexual self-image, gender role, collective and social identity, racial/ethnic/ cultural heritage, physical characteristics, work/career paths and our developmental stage/s. In other words, identity is complex, unique and quite varied. At your current stage of development, using the above puzzle pieces, how would you describe your identity in the present? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... How would you have answered this question as a teen? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... How would you have answered this question as a young child? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... .........................................................................................

161

THE SEVEN CORE ISSUES WORKBOOK FOR PARENTS OF TRAUMATIZED CHILDREN AND TEENS

All of us have dark or hidden parts of our self or identity; describe yours: ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... What have been your identity challenges and how have you addressed them? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... Who helped you form your identity? Who were your role models? And why? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... Becoming a parent changes your identity. Aspects of your identity influence how you parent. How has your identity been impacted by your unique journey into parenting? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... Becoming a foster, kinship or adoptive parent creates new aspects of your identity. What have those new roles, relationships and characteristics been like for you? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... When people refer to you as a “foster,” “kinship” or “adoptive” parent how does that impact your identity and make you feel, and how do you respond? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... Parenting a child from a different culture/ethnicity/race brings new experiences and learning opportunities. How have those experiences impacted your identity as a person and a parent? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... .........................................................................................

162

Identity

What identity growing pains have you experienced in becoming a foster, kinship or adoptive parent? What has been difficult about these changes? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... Sharing our parenting role with the birth/first parents is not easy because, no matter what, we will never be the birth/first parent of our child. This can create uncertainty and insecurity in our identity as a parent. How have you coped with this additional challenge in your parenting identity? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... If you are parenting a child who looks different from you, your identity as their parent may be called into question. How does this make you feel and how have you responded? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... Supporting healthy identity formation in our children is a critical part of our parenting role. For the child in foster care, kinship or adoption, the identity challenges and tasks are more complex. As an adoptive, foster or kinship parent, we have additional identity tasks, listed below: 1. Gathering all the facts of our child’s story, history and lineage. 2. Sharing those facts with our child according to their developmental understanding, without judgement or bias. 3. Nurturing and supporting our child’s unique identity characteristics, some of which come from their genetic heritage. Without the benefit of genetic mirroring, these aspects of identity can create feelings of confusion or distress and can disrupt identity formation. 4. Supporting and accepting our child’s emotional responses and BIG feelings connected to the facts of their story. 5. Continuing to gather and update information connected to our child’s birth/first familial trees and staying open to new information and family members. 6. Supporting our child/teen/adult’s search and/or reunion based on their unique needs and desires.

As your child’s identity unfolds and forms over the years, your parental identity will also change as you age and gain knowledge, skills and insights.

163

THE SELF AS A HOUSE! The most powerful and impactful tool we have as parents is our self! Self-awareness includes knowing our beliefs and values, knowing our internal emotional landscape, and being aware of our biases and blindspots. On a large piece of paper with colored pencils or crayons, complete the following exercise to increase your self-awareness.

First, draw an outline of your house, and include a basement and an attic. Next, write your unique values and beliefs along the foundation of your house. These foundational values and beliefs are what help to guide your life and choices. Next, add rooms to the interior of your house that represent all the different roles and/or aspects of your self: culture/ethnicity/race, gender identification, sexuality/sexual orientation, son/daughter, brother/sister, spouse/partner, friend, career/work, parent, foster/kinship/adoptive parent and so on. Next, in your attic, write or draw your life goals, hopes and dreams. Next, in your basement, write or draw any traumas, losses and painful experiences and feelings that may be lurking or stuck in the darker parts of your self. This is where unacknowledged or unexpressed grief, pain, shame and suffering may reside. Using colored pencils or crayons that represent different feelings (yellow is happy, pink is love, blue is sad, black is fear/hurt, red is anger, etc.), color each room with the feelings that capture the various emotions connected to those relationships and roles. Identify your blindspots. We all have vulnerabilities and areas of sensitivity. These show up as emotional triggers or patterns. Draw or write these as big or little “fireballs” coming towards your house, depending on their impact.

164

Identity

Developing our identity is like writing a story. The words we use to narrate our story of self/identity, our relationships and our journey through life change and evolve over time. What did you learn about yourself? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... What did you learn about your basement? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... What strengths did you see in your house? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... What areas of your house need your attention? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... .........................................................................................

165

MY PARENTAL IDENTITY Becoming a parent creates one of the greatest identity transformations we will ever experience. People who go from being non-parents to suddenly parenting a baby, child, teen or siblings experience a seismic shift in their identity. This new role brings significant emotional, physical and psychological demands, as well as changes in how we see ourselves, our relationships and the world. As with any new chapter in our life, there will be both losses and gains, as well as growing pains, as we learn to adapt to the children who land on our “attachment dancefloor.” When you were younger and envisioned yourself as a parent, what did you think it would be like for you? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... Describe the things that have been the easiest and/or most enjoyable for you in becoming a parent: ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... Describe the things that have been the hardest for you as a new parent: ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... Describe what it has been like to have others see you as a “mother” or “father”: ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... Becoming a “mother” or “father” is a deeply personal, life-changing role that brings many intense emotional experiences. Which emotions have been the most difficult and why? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... When we shift from being non-parents to parents, one of the first things we experience is a loss of freedom and a significant increase in the daily demands on our time, attention and emotion. Describe how this transition has been for you:

166

Identity

......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... Claiming your role as a parent is a very important part of the attachment process for both you and your child. Describe how you have integrated parenthood into your identity: ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... When becoming a parent, it’s really important that we allow ourselves to make mistakes, ask for help and go easy on ourselves. Describe a few of your parenting mistakes and what you learned from those mistakes: ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... Becoming a kinship, foster or adoptive parent adds another layer of complexity into our identity. Describe what people say or do when they find out you are a foster/kinship/adoptive parent: ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... How do you feel about being an “adoptive parent,” “foster parent” or “kinship parent,” and why? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... When your child is upset, hurt or angry, they may say things like “You’re not my real mom/dad, I don’t have to listen to you.” This may trigger feelings of loss, sadness, insecurity or anger connected to your parent identity. Describe how you would react. What would you do or say to your child? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... .........................................................................................

As parents, we cannot control how our children turn out, but we can control the environment in which they grow!

167

INFERTILITY AND IDENTITY Infertility can significantly impact both female and male identity. For most people, our image of ourselves as a mother or father genetically connected to our children has been developing since childhood. The thought that we might not be able to create a pregnancy and bring our own offspring into the world feels unimaginable. We have fantasies about who we will marry so our children will look and be a certain way; how we will announce our pregnancy to our spouse and loved ones; what the pregnancy and delivery will be like; what our baby will look like and what we will name it; how we will act as a mother or father; and what positive characteristics our child will inherit from us and our genetic ancestry. The experience of infertility and the process of losing the ability to create a child and the subsequent losses connected to infertility impact how we feel about our body, our womanhood/manhood, our worth or self-esteem, our role as progenitors on our family tree, our participation in the normative life experiences of our peers and the insecurity in the mothering/fathering role in parenting a child born from another set of parents. Describe your experience of infertility: ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... How did infertility impact your relationship with your partner? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... How did infertility impact your body image? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... How did infertility impact your gender identity and/or sense of womanhood or manhood? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... How did infertility impact your relationship with your faith or your religious and spiritual identity? ......................................................................................... .........................................................................................

168

Identity

......................................................................................... Describe your journey through infertility (miscarriages, in-vitro, surrogacy, adoption options, etc.) and who supported you: ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... How did you and/or your partner shift from infertility treatments with the focus on getting pregnant to exploring other options towards parenting? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... What has been the most challenging part of the infertility experience and what have you learned about yourself? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... What knowledge, skills and new worldviews have you gained? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... Infertility is a lifelong loss. Adopting a child will cure “parentlessness” but it does not erase the losses associated with infertility. How have you explored and addressed your specific losses regarding infertility? How has your partner explored or addressed their infertility losses? How has infertility affected your relationship? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... How do you think the losses connected to your infertility will impact your parental identity? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... .........................................................................................

169

IDENTITY: PIECES OF THE PUZZLE Identity formation is quite complex. We all have many puzzle pieces that come together from our various family trees to form a whole identity or a picture of ourselves. In our partnerships and parenting we are often opening, adapting and learning to include the puzzle pieces of others to create an expanded and inclusive self-image. All individuals have a culture, ethnicity, race and class that create various parts of their identity. When we add a child to our family, we are always blending a child’s original culture, race, religion/spirituality and ethnicity into the new family, even if the child was adopted at birth from a similar background. This is what happens in a marriage or partnership when two cultures, races and/or ethnicities (or puzzles) are combined. Culture: A way of life for a group of people, or clan; an integrated pattern of human knowledge, beliefs and behavior. Culture includes attitudes, values, morals, goals and customs. Culture is taught human to human, generally adult to child. Culture is not learned from a book. It requires lived, sensory experiences within the customs and rituals of a specific clan or community. Cultures are nuanced, varied and influenced by generations, locations, history and other factors that do not allow one person to represent all people of a specific culture. Ethnicity: The state of belonging to a social and/or ancestral group that has common national, country or cultural traditions. Ethnicity is linked to cultural expressions and identifications such as religion or country of origin. For example, a person that identifies themselves as “white” may have an ethnic heritage that is Italian and German. Race: A present-day definition of race views racial categories as socially constructed. Race is not intrinsic to human beings but rather an identity created, typically by socially dominant groups, to establish power and hierarchy within communities and countries. The historical concept of race emerged as a product of the colonial enterprises of European powers from the 16th to 18th centuries which identified race in terms of skin color and physical differences. Inter-racial, bi-racial and multi-racial are terms that can apply to a marriage between people of a different race, a family formed from different racial backgrounds or a peer relationship between people of different races. Racism: This is prejudice, discrimination, stereotyping or antagonism directed against a person or group of people from a particular racial or ethnic group. It is a complicated system of knowledge where science, religion and philosophy are used to justify inequality and hierarchy. It is a learned set of behaviors where people assign meaning to how you look. Class: The system of ordering society in which people are divided into sets based on perceived social, economic and racial/ethnic status.

170

Identity

Gender: The socially constructed characteristics of women and men, such as norms, roles and relationships of and between groups of women and men. It varies from society to society and can be changed. Gender roles in some societies are more rigid than those in others. Sexual orientation: Patterns of sexual, romantic and emotional attraction and one’s sexual identity based on those attractions. LGBTQ: Lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, questioning or queer. This includes a person’s sexual orientation or gender identity. Religion/Spirituality: A social-cultural system of beliefs, practices and rituals.

171

ONE AMAZING CHILD! Most children are raised by the parents who created them. Children who are adopted are created and genetically connected to maternal and paternal family trees. They are then raised, parented and often adopted by another set of parents connected to other sets of family trees. The additional emotional and psychological tasks for the child/teen/adult are integrating those aspects of themselves that come from all their various trees.

It is typical for parents to minimize the additional developmental tasks and complexities their child must integrate into their identity and understanding of themselves, when the parents were not adopted.

172

IDENTITY, DIVERSITY AND ADOPTION Children, teens and adults who are adopted face additional tasks connected to identity formation. Who am I? Where did I come from? What was the culture, ethnicity, race and class of my maternal and paternal familial lineage? What parts of myself are like them? What parts of myself are different? Complete the grid below with as much detail as possible to understand the additional challenges your child has related to integrating the various influences on identity formation from all sets of parents. Permanent parent 1

Permanent parent 2

Culture

Ethnicity

Race

Class/ socio-economic status

Gender/sexual orientation and/ or LGBTQ

Religion and spirituality

173

Birth/first maternal lineage

Birth/first paternal lineage

HOW DIVERSE IS MY WORLD? When you choose to parent a child from a different racial/ethnic background you must be willing to learn, adapt and integrate the child’s heritage and background into the family system. This assists your child in developing a positive racial/ethnic identity. You may feel that you are free from any racial/ethnic biases, but it is more likely that you are not aware of your biases and privileges if you are seen as “white” or are in the majority culture. To discover how diverse your world and relationships are, complete the activity below by choosing colored crayons or pencils that represent the colors of the people in each of the categories below.

Family

Extended family and close friends

Neighborhood and school

Broader community and country

This is your world! This is the world your child will experience. Will this world help them integrate a positive racial and ethnic identity? 174

IDENTITY AND WHITE ­PRIVILEGE QUESTIONNAIRE For parents to increase their self-awareness, learning and growth, we must confront our own learned bias and belief systems that create the conditions where racism flourishes. White privilege and white conditioning benefits those that society views as white. For white parents who are parenting non-white children, this process of claiming, loving and meeting the needs of our child will bring new and painful experiences connected to white privilege, bias and racism. We as parents are growing and learning right along with our child. Growing pains hurt but are necessary for growth. We can learn from our children when we begin to see the world through their eyes. Will you be open to becoming sensitive to your child’s ethnicity, race, culture and heritage? If so, how will you do that over time? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... Have you ever experienced racism? What happened? How did you feel? What did you do? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... How will your child interact with people from their ethnic or racial heritage? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... Where will your child make friends of their same race, ethnicity and culture? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... .........................................................................................

175

THE SEVEN CORE ISSUES WORKBOOK FOR PARENTS OF TRAUMATIZED CHILDREN AND TEENS

What opportunities will your child have to be a part of their racial, ethnic and cultural community every day? For instance, does their school, neighborhood, church or community reflect who they are? Your child needs to see a variety of images that reflect them. ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... What foods, books, magazines, movies, music and art are in your home that reflect your child’s racial, ethnic or cultural heritage? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... How will your child develop a positive racial and ethnic identity? What role models from your child’s racial, ethnic or cultural heritage are regularly available to both you and your child? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... How will your child feel a sense of racial, ethnic and cultural pride within their family? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... How often do you talk about race, racism and white conditioning or privilege? What are the themes in these conversations? How have your thoughts and feelings changed since becoming a parent? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... .........................................................................................

176

Identity

What skills or strategies will you use to confront or manage racism when your child experiences it? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... How will you prepare your child to manage their thoughts, feelings and actions connected to racism and their experiences of racism? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... How does your extended family talk about white privilege and racism? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... When your family, colleagues or friends talk about the race, ethnicity or culture of your child, what words, stereotypes, jokes or beliefs are shared? How do you respond? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... .........................................................................................

177

BUILDING RACIAL AND ETHNIC IDENTITY Becoming a parent to a child that is from a different racial and ethnic background requires parents to become aware of the biases, stereotypes and racism that are part of our culture. Look around your home, neighborhood and community and try to experience your world through the eyes of your child. Our goal is to help every child feel included, loved and respected as a valued member of their family and the broader community in which they live. It is our hope that children feel a sense of pride associated with their racial and ethnic heritage, developing a positive racial/ethnic identity with the assistance and support of their parents. Children may: • feel different. They look different from members of their family and others may see them as not fitting in or being a “real” member of their family, neighborhood or community. • feel confused about their identity. They may lack role models and relationships that allow them to integrate those aspects of themselves connected to their racial and ethnic heritage. • lack coping strategies to combat prejudice and racism. They may not know how to defend themselves against racism and prejudice and how to cope with negative thoughts and feelings those experiences create. Tips and tools for parents: • Educate and prepare yourself for racism and prejudice: – What will you do when someone calls your child a racial slur or tells your child to go back where they came from? – How are you as the parent helping to ensure your child feels safe and secure both physically and emotionally in their home, school and neighborhood? • Talk openly and honestly about differences, diversity and racism: – Acknowledge and celebrate differences. – Think about where you live, where you go to church, where your child goes to school, where your child plays, what your doctor/dentist/coaches/youth leaders look like. Your child needs to see positive reflections and mirror images of themselves from people in positions of authority and who have achieved their goals. • Celebrate your child’s race/ethnicity/culture: – Use books, TV shows, pictures, historical figures, stories, rituals, foods, music and holidays that celebrate and honor their heritage. – Encourage them to have role models and relationships with mentors who have lived experience connected to your child’s race/ethnicity/culture. They can coach your child with coping strategies and help them develop a positive racial/ethnic identity. • Prepare your child for racism and prejudice:

178

Identity

– Children who have not been prepared for racism and bullying often feel demeaned, scared and ashamed about the color of their skin, the shape of their eyes or the differences in their appearance from the majority culture. They may not know what to do, what to say or how to act when racism occurs. – Find a group, mentor or coach who can assist you and your child in developing the knowledge, attitudes and skills necessary to defend against racism and prejudice. Both you and your child can learn to become advocates to create a more inclusive, diverse and anti-racist community and culture.

FAMILY STORYTELLING Children learn a lot about family history, culture and identity through family storytelling. Intergenerational stories help to anchor children into their extended family, clan and community. Children are strengthening their listening skills during storytelling as they follow the social and emotional dynamics of the story. Storytelling helps build connectedness, rootedness and belonging. Tips for successful family storytelling: • Choose stories that your child can relate to and that may be relevant to their current life stage or challenges. • Select meaningful and interesting stories to tell. • Include the viewpoints and emotions of the people in your story. • Try and keep the family story light and entertaining; for older children or teens, more complex or challenging stories can be shared. • Find new family stories to share by interviewing family members about their favorite or most memorable family story. • After the story, ask your child what was their favorite part of the story and why. What would they have done differently? • Family stories often include life lessons, challenges, conflict and insights that help to normalize some of the issues a child, teen or family member may face. • Ask your child to tell you their favorite family story.

Your life is your story. Write well. Edit often!

179

A PARENTS’ GUIDE TO DIFFICULT CONVERSATIONS As parents, there will always be times when we have to have emotionally complex or difficult conversations with our children. Topics like sex, divorce, death, religion, racism, trauma, violence, adoption, foster care, kinship, birth/first parents, addiction, mental illness—all are subjects that can be emotionally difficult for parents and children to navigate. Unfortunately, too often, parents miss opportunities to talk openly and honestly about the facts of their child’s story, how they came into foster care, or why they were adopted, which can lead to a child feeling confused, blaming themselves, or left alone with feelings of grief, loss, rejection and anger. • Get comfortable! Grab some big pillows and get into a relaxed position. Parents need to feel as relaxed as possible so they can attune with their child’s emotions as the conversation evolves. Let your child know that you want to talk for a few minutes about some “really important” things. For many parents, talking about adoption or the birth/first family can be emotionally loaded. Before talking to your child, be sure you are emotionally calm and clear about what you want to discuss. Be sure to acknowledge your child’s feelings which may include many changing and confusing emotions such as happy, sad, angry, numb, hurt, lonely, loving, rejecting, scared and curious. • Timing is everything! Consider the time of day and the place that will most allow your child to listen, ask questions and be allowed to express their feelings. Let them know it’s okay to cry if they’re sad, or it’s okay to hit the pillow if they’re angry, or it’s okay to ask mom/ dad for a hug if they need to be held. • Take a break! If you find yourself getting too anxious or distressed or you notice your child feeling agitated or distracted, you may decide to stop and delay the conversation for another time. For your child to process any kind of serious talk about BIG feelings and complex topics, planning and timing are everything. Pick up the conversation when you and your child are calm and have the time and privacy to explore subjects and relationships that are emotionally sensitive and complex. • Consider your child’s body, mind and heart! In order for your child to understand what you are trying to tell them, you need to give them information in a way that is developmentally understandable and digestible. Think about your child’s unique temperament, emotional maturity and cognitive skills. Parents need to educate their children regarding the vocabulary and terminology connected to their story of why they were adopted, and to be able to process their complex feelings associated with their losses. For example, children need to be given basic definitions of the following terms: birth/first parents, adoption, foster care, kinship, addiction, mental illness, trauma, home-study, infertility and siblings. They need to understand how and why their story (their losses) occurred and that it was the “adults,” such as birth/first parents, adoptive/foster/kinship parents, judges and social workers, who made all of the decisions. The adoption was not the child’s fault. The child is never

180

Identity

to blame. This is important for parents to understand and convey as children often feel that they did something to cause the adoption. • Check back with your child the next day! “Remember what we talked about yesterday regarding your adoption story, what did you hear Mommy or Daddy say? How did you feel about us talking about your adoption story? Do you have any questions about your adoption story or your birth/first parents? Are you confused or curious about anything we talked about? I hope you always remember that you can come to Mommy and Daddy with your BIG questions and feelings about adoption and your story.” • Take good care of yourself! These conversations with your children are highly emotional, at times stressful, and require lots of parental attunement, attention and time. These conversations should not be rushed and can be emotionally draining for the parent. Be sure you are taking good care of yourself emotionally, mentally and physically.

181

IDENTITY: MY KEY POINTS LIST Reflect on what you learned about yourself from the exercises and activities on identity. Make a Key Points List of the most meaningful and important lessons for you as a parent.

• . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . • . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . • . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . • . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . • . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . • . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . • . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . • . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . • . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . • . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . • . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . • . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Now that you have explored the additional identity complexities and tasks, you can bring those understandings and insights into the core issue of intimacy.

182

—  Chapter 6  —

INTIMACY Mast ery /C on

cy ima t n I

l tro

I d e n tit y

Reje

cti o n

LOSS Gr

ie f

Sha

G m e/

u il

t

Intimacy involves risk, vulnerability and the belief that the self is valuable and worthy of love! Intimacy is the fifth spoke in the wheel of the Seven Core Issues in adoption and permanency. Every interpersonal skill that we need to feel deeply loved and connected must be learned and begins even before birth. Intimacy involves risk, vulnerability and the belief that the self is valuable and worthy of love. Our primary motivation is to belong, to feel connected and to learn how to get our emotional needs met through meaningful, intimate relationships. Intimate attachments provide the network through which all social, emotional, physical and psychological needs get met. Attachment relationships require trust, respect, acceptance, empathy and reciprocity. Intimacy requires that an individual be both a separate “self” and still able to join “the other” in an emotionally meaningful way. This requires bringing an authentic self into that relationship. Emotional intimacy is much like a dance. In this dance of relationship, each person needs to first understand themselves, their own needs, emotions, thoughts, expectations and vulnerabilities. In this intimate dance, it is much more than words that connect us, it is also a willingness to

183

THE SEVEN CORE ISSUES WORKBOOK FOR PARENTS OF TRAUMATIZED CHILDREN AND TEENS

be open and vulnerable, to make eye contact, be aware of our tone of voice and facial expressions, and understand our reactions to touch and affection. Our primary dance steps are learned in childhood and become more sophisticated over time. Two important qualities help create a secure parent-child attachment relationship, which sets the stage for all future intimacy. First, parents need to be able to see their child as a separate being, not as an object/possession or a needed reflection of themselves. Second, the parents must be emotionally available to attune to the changing emotional and developmental needs of each unique child. Mistakes, ruptures or missteps are part of learning the “dance of relationship” and may later require repair through forgiveness of self and the other person. If constellation members have addressed the earlier core issues, they are able to offer an authentic self for an intimate relationship. Identity and intimacy are linked. As a person clarifies and reclarifies who they are, their ability to relate to others, forgive others, embrace others and trust others is strengthened. All constellation members have been impacted by a core loss that changed their identity, which in turn impacts intimacy. The initial losses may have impacted self-esteem and created negative feelings that may keep individuals from getting close to others. Foster care, kinship and adoption inherently impact intimacy as children are shifted on and between familial trees. These experiences can leave children feeling unwanted, rejected, confused and fearful, which can create barriers to attachment and emotional intimacy. Intimacy may also be impacted by individuals who carry adverse childhood experiences and relational trauma. Fear of more pain, loss and trauma can keep us from getting close. Very few people become members of the adoption and permanency constellation with any preparation for how it will impact their lives on an emotionally intimate level. Losing a child to adoption through the courts or by choice, experiencing the losses that come with infertility and the involvement of social workers or the courts in the private lives of prospective foster, adoptive and kinship families are all felt as emotionally intrusive experiences. All parents should explore the unique intimacy challenges that permanency trauma and broken attachments create for constellation members. Embedded within these issues are opportunities to deepen and strengthen our relationships and intimacy skills.

184

MY INTIMACY QUESTIONNAIRE How do you define emotional intimacy? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... With whom have you created emotional intimacy and why? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... What qualities must be present in someone for you to be able to trust them enough to create an intimate relationship? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... What qualities do you bring to the relationship that allow the other person to be open and vulnerable in return? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... What are your expectations of others in an intimate relationship? How do you communicate those expectations? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... What expectations do you have of yourself in an intimate relationship? What do you do to nurture your intimate relationships? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... .........................................................................................

185

THE SEVEN CORE ISSUES WORKBOOK FOR PARENTS OF TRAUMATIZED CHILDREN AND TEENS

On average, how long did it take you to build an emotionally intimate relationship? Why? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... Who are your role models for healthy intimate relationships? Why? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... How have you responded to the ruptures or stressors that naturally occur within intimate relationships? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... How do you repair a rupture in your intimate relationships? Are you comfortable taking the lead? Are you able to forgive ruptures or do you hold grudges that negatively impact intimacy? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... What fears or concerns do you have about getting too close to others? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... How do you accept and/or address your own and another person’s flaws, differences and limitations in your intimate relationships? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... How do you know if your intimate relationships are healthy or toxic? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... .........................................................................................

186

Intimacy

In what ways has adoption, foster care or kinship impacted your intimate relationships? How are you adapting? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... How do you create connections to other members of the constellation? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... Becoming a parent is one of the most emotionally intimate commitments requiring self-awareness and vulnerability. Describe how your intimacy skills will be used in your parenting style: ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... Building the emotional closeness within the parent-child relationship requires parents to take the lead in setting the emotional tone that enables the trust and safety required for love. This task can feel exhausting and requires parents to nurture their own emotional well-being. How will you nurture yourself and who else will nurture you? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... .........................................................................................

Children learn the “dance of intimacy” and connection within and through the safety and love of the parent-child attachment relationship. Parental attunement takes time, commitment, energy and empathy.

187

THE DIFFERENT KINDS OF INTIMACY Intimacy means different things to different people. There are different kinds of intimacy, such as those we experience with our parents, partners, children and friends. Each of us learned our original “dance of intimacy” within the family that raised us. As we mature, grow and have other intimate relationships, we learn new dance steps. Our intimacy skills can be strengthened or negatively impacted through various life experiences. Different kinds of intimacy: • Emotional intimacy – Deep feelings of closeness where we can be authentically ourselves. Sharing our intimate thoughts, feelings, vulnerabilities, beliefs and desires/goals. • Intellectual intimacy – Exchanging thoughts and ideas about things we really care about: favorite books, songs, poems, art and so on. • Physical intimacy – Being physically affectionate using touch, hugging, cuddling, holding hands. • Sexual intimacy – People may confuse intimacy with the act of sex. Sex can occur with or without emotional intimacy. Sex without emotional intimacy might include rape, incest, one-night stands or sex without love, trust or warmth. • Spiritual intimacy – Sharing the same religious or spiritual belief systems. Feeling unity and mutual commitment to those values and teachings.

188

INTIMACY AND MY MIND, HEART AND BODY Each of us brings our own mind, heart and body into our intimate relationships. Our internal self-awareness allows us to communicate our needs, hopes and desires to those we love and trust. At the same time, in order to create and sustain healthy emotional intimacy, we need to be able to read and attune with the mind, heart and body of the other person.

Mind What thoughts, perceptions and belief systems do I have about myself or others that either allow or dismiss emotional intimacy?

Heart What needs and wants does my heart desire? Do I know what my heart needs from another? Do I communicate those needs and expectations?

Body Is my body comfortable with emotional closeness and physical affection? Am I comfortable touching and being touched?

189

INTIMACY AND MY MIND The most important organ in relationships is our brain. What we think about ourselves, our personal worth or value, either strengthens or weakens emotional intimacy. The words we use and stories we tell ourselves create either barriers or connections to others. Write the words and phrases that come to “your mind” when emotional intimacy is experienced.

190

INTIMACY AND MY HEART Each of us is different and unique. None of us knows the heart of another. We must first know and listen to our own heart in order to effectively listen and attune to the needs of another. Fill your heart below with your emotional needs and wants connected to intimacy.

How do you communicate these needs and wants to someone you love and trust? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... .........................................................................................

191

INTIMACY AND MY BODY Babies and children first learn loving touch and physical affection from their parents. Children may also have learned fear and physical pain connected to corporal punishment, family violence, abuse and neglect and lack of loving touch. Our bodies remember both positive and negative experiences of touch. On the body below, draw, color or write where and how your body experiences touch (either positive or negative) and emotional intimacy.

192

MY COMMUNICATION PLAN Creating and sustaining meaningful intimate relationships requires effective communication skills. We can practice and strengthen these skills at any stage in our life. For three consecutive days, complete the questions below at the end of each day to reflect on your own communication style and skills.

Day 1

Day 2

What were you trying to communicate to another person today? What was your intention? What beliefs or values were you trying to communicate?

What feelings did you observe in the other person?

What feelings did you experience?

What could you do to improve your communication? What did you do to help the other person know you were listening and trying to understand their perspective? What behaviors are you willing to change to become a better listener and communicator?

193

Day 3

WHAT AM I REALLY TRYING TO COMMUNICATE? Effective communication skills begin with self-awareness. The more aware we are of our own thoughts, intentions, values, emotions and blindspots, the more effectively and honestly we can communicate with others. Communication involves thoughts, feelings and behaviors. Think of a recent argument or conflict you had and complete the sentences below to explore what you were thinking, feeling and doing as you were arguing.

Thoughts

Feelings

Behaviors

I was thinking . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . because . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . I was feeling . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . because . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . I behaved . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . because . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . As I reflect on my thoughts, feelings and behaviors when I’m in conflict with someone, I’m aware that I ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... .........................................................................................

194

GUIDELINES FOR IMPROVING COMMUNICATION The most complex organ in the universe is the human mind. When two “human minds” come together to communicate their values, intentions, needs, emotions and thoughts, things can sometimes get a bit messy and impact intimacy. Post these guidelines for improving communication on your fridge and practice, practice, practice!

Be aware of YOUR mood and feelings. Be aware of the other person’s mood and feelings. Be responsible for your feelings. Communicate them honestly, openly and effectively. Listen deeply to what the other person is sharing. Notice all the non-verbal messages. Listen to understand rather than listening to “be right.” Be empathic. Hear, identify and verbalize the other person’s feelings. Identify communication barriers. Brainstorm solutions, take a break, reverse roles and try again later.

Encourage differences and uniqueness.

195

WHERE DID THE INTIMACY GO? When couples shift from “parentlessness” into the everyday, all night, every week, every month, all year responsibilities of parenting one, two, three or more children, their emotional resources are diverted away from each other, their marriage or partnership, towards the children. If couples aren’t careful, they can easily end up feeling as if their marriage or partnership has been neglected and they can lose the emotional intimacy that helps them feel loved, connected and valued.

The couple’s emotional resources and energy go towards one another and their relationship.

Emotional resources and energy now go towards the children. Each added child adds new demands to the emotional resources and energy of the couple.

Describe your intimate relationship with your partner before parenthood: ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... .........................................................................................

196

Intimacy

What aspects of your intimate relationship did you treasure or find the most fulfilling? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... What aspects of your intimate relationship would you never want to lose? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... How do you and your partner maintain those most important aspects of your intimate relationships? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... As couples shift into parenthood and their emotional resources go towards meeting the needs of their children, there is a risk of losing the intimacy connected to their and their partner’s needs. How have you and your partner managed your own and each other’s needs through this shift? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... How have your intimacy needs changed with the addition of all of the parental responsibilities and how are you communicating those needs to your partner? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... .........................................................................................

197

THE SEVEN CORE ISSUES WORKBOOK FOR PARENTS OF TRAUMATIZED CHILDREN AND TEENS

None of us can offer the emotional attunement needed for healthy intimacy when we feel depleted or overwhelmed. Identify all the things that help you to feel nurtured and replenished: ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... In what ways will you communicate your needs to your partner? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... In what ways does your partner communicate their needs to you? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... .........................................................................................

A strong healthy partnership filled with love, respect, joy and meaning allows children to see, feel and learn the dance of intimacy. Children live inside the emotional environment of their parents. Keeping your couple relationship strong and healthy is one of the greatest gifts you can give your children.

198

SINGLE PARENTING AND INTIMACY When an individual shifts from “parentlessness” into the everyday, all night, every week, every month, all year responsibilities of parenting one, two, three or more children, their emotional resources are diverted away from themselves and their loved ones, towards the children. If individuals aren’t careful, they can easily end up feeling as if their needs and close relationships are neglected and they can lose the emotional intimacy that helps them feel loved, connected and valued.

An individual’s emotional resources and energy go towards themselves and their loved ones.

Emotional resources and energy now go towards the children. Each added child adds new demands to the emotional resources and energy of the single parent.

Describe your emotionally intimate relationship before parenthood: ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... .........................................................................................

199

THE SEVEN CORE ISSUES WORKBOOK FOR PARENTS OF TRAUMATIZED CHILDREN AND TEENS

What aspects of your intimate relationships did you treasure or find the most fulfilling? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... What aspects of your intimate relationships would you never want to lose? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... How do you maintain those important aspects of your intimate relationships? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... As an individual shifts into parenthood and their emotional resources go towards meeting the needs of their children, there is a risk of losing the intimacy connected to their loved ones. How have you continued to get your own needs met through this shift? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... What has been challenging to your intimacy needs being a single parent? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... .........................................................................................

200

Intimacy

How have your intimacy needs changed with the addition of all of the parental responsibilities and how are you communicating those needs to your loved ones? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... None of us can offer the emotional attunement needed for healthy intimacy when we feel depleted or overwhelmed. Identify all the things that help you to feel nurtured and replenished: ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... In what ways will you communicate your needs to your loved ones? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... .........................................................................................

Strong, healthy, intimate relationships filled with love, respect, joy and meaning allow children to see, feel and learn the dance of intimacy. Children live inside the emotional environment of their family. Keeping your relationships with your loved ones strong and healthy is the greatest gift you could give your children.

201

PARENTING AND COMMUNICATION As parents, “what” we communicate and “how” we communicate are equally important. When we model effective communication skills like being respectful with our tone of voice, having empathy and following through with our commitments, our children learn and incorporate these values and styles of communicating.

Children learn what they live: “I want my child to be responsible and respectful, therefore I need to be a parent who is responsible and respectful.” As parents, it’s important to note that the primary way a child learns is through imitation. They are always watching, learning and imitating YOU. Give examples of how you model being responsible and respectful while communicating with your child: ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... .........................................................................................

The golden rule of parenting: “I mean what I say and I say what I mean.” As parents, it’s easy to turn our own words into garbage by not meaning what we say or not following through with what we said we were going to do. Give examples of how you keep your words golden by saying “what you mean” and “meaning what you say”: ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... .........................................................................................

202

Intimacy

You get more bees with honey: “I use encouragement to reinforce the positives I see in my child. I use empathy instead of anger when my child makes a mistake and has to work to fix it.” As parents, our attention is a very powerful force that our children crave. Describe how you encourage your child when they’re doing well and how you replace anger with empathy when they make mistakes: ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... .........................................................................................

203

PARENTING CHART TO STRENGTHEN EMOTIONAL INTIMACY Strengthening emotional intimacy with your child is all about feelings and emotions. A child is more likely to share painful, scary or sad feelings when they feel emotionally safe and connected. Parents can do things each day to strengthen the emotional intimacy between themselves and their child. Use the parent chart below to discover ways to strengthen the connection with your child and track your progress.

Mon

Tues

Wed

Hugged my child for no reason Did something silly and playful to make my child smile or laugh Listened and validated my child’s feelings Apologized when I got upset/angry Helped my child clean their room or do their chores Had a family meal together and talked about our day Told my child five things I like about them Shared a funny story from my childhood Went for a hike, walked or biked with my child

204

Thur

Fri

Sat

Sun

Intimacy

Asked my child to teach me something they learned in school Showed empathy for my child when they got upset Tucked my child into bed and read them a story Let my child know it was okay to cry and be sad Played a board game and made it fun Put a “feelings poster” on the fridge and used it to talk about feelings Showed my child how to express anger the right way Did a puzzle, colored in, played with Lego®, made cookies, drummed, built something, danced— TOGETHER!

Emotional intimacy is like a dance. Our primary dance steps are learned in childhood within the emotional intimacy of the parent-child attachment relationship. When children “feel better” they “do better!” 205

INTIMACY OPPORTUNITIES AND ­BARRIERS IN THE CONSTELLATION There are added tasks for adoptive, foster and kinship parents connected to the roles and relationships they have to the other members of the constellation. These relationships can be challenging to navigate at times due to the emotional intimacy and intensity they create. Adoptive, foster, kinship and birth/ first parents all have a unique connection to the same child. These relationships create the potential to have both intimacy barriers and opportunities. Complete the following to explore intimacy within the adoption/permanency constellation.

Barriers

Opportunities

Knowing all the facts of my child’s history and the constellation members connected to my child Knowing the parents/ families that created my child gives me a deeper understanding of my child The more I know about my child’s paternal and maternal heritage, the better I can meet their needs Creating or sustaining a relationship with the birth/ first mother Creating or sustaining a relationship with the birth/ first father Creating or sustaining a relationship with extended birth/first family members Knowing my child’s siblings that I’m not parenting lessens my child’s losses

206

Intimacy

Giving permission to my child to share their intimate thoughts and feelings about their birth/first family Supporting my child’s search and reunion choices, journey and feelings Reflecting on the intimacy barriers and opportunities within the constellation, what did you learn about yourself? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... Strong emotions are a part of everyone’s journey through adoption and permanency. These strong emotions can either connect and heal or separate and wound. The disconnection of constellation members who are all intimately connected to the same child creates emotional tension, conflict and loyalty issues for the child/teen/adult adoptee over time. What strong emotions came up for you as you explored the barriers and opportunities above? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... What strong emotions, barriers and opportunities do you think your child’s birth/first family members experience in their relationship with you? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... .........................................................................................

207

THE SEVEN CORE ISSUES WORKBOOK FOR PARENTS OF TRAUMATIZED CHILDREN AND TEENS

Acknowledging the complexity and courage it takes to honestly examine and confront your own fears, biases and concerns as a parent, what actions will you take to help your child navigate the emotions, tasks, stressors and relationships connected to their history, heritage and development? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... .........................................................................................

208

INTIMACY AND BEING ADOPTED The majority of parents who adopt are not themselves adopted. Parents may assume the emotional intimacy with their child will develop naturally, just as if the child was born to them. The more parents become knowledgeable and sensitive to the needs and issues that come with “being adopted,” the more effective they will be at deepening the emotional intimacy between themselves and their child. Parents who avoid honestly discussing their child’s adoption story, integrating a positive cultural/racial/ethnic identity and teaching coping strategies and resiliency skills related to the additional developmental tasks that “being adopted” creates may add barriers to the emotional intimacy between themselves and their child. From the lived experiences and voices of adoptees: • The emotions I feel can be intense or overwhelming: – I feel as if my birth/first parents didn’t want or love me. – I feel lonely, hurt and sad that I don’t know them. – I feel hurt or rejected by my birth/first parents or family. – I’m afraid I could lose you too! • Emotional closeness and vulnerability may be hard or scary: – My story begins with loss. Right from the beginning of my life I lost parents, siblings and extended family. – I fear more loss and pain; I may keep people at a distance. – It’s hard to get close to others when I don’t know who I am, or I’m confused about who I am and where I come from. – If you get too close to me, you might reject or abandon me too. • I need to be comfortable with my own feelings in order to be comfortable with sharing or expressing my feelings to others: – I feel my losses at different times; sometimes they sneak up on me and overwhelm me, triggering grief, sadness, hurt or anger. – My feelings change over time. I may be happy about being adopted, then sad or angry. I get tired of people thinking they know how it feels to be adopted, or hearing “how lucky” I am to be adopted. • I need my parents to be good listeners: – I was trying to communicate how I felt and how hard being adopted was at times, but I couldn’t always find the words. – I needed my parents to help me feel comfortable talking about my adoption story, my birth/first parents, my feelings and my questions. Despite the challenges to intimacy, research and experience show that adoption and permanency for a child offer the most intense intervention that exists to help heal attachment or relational trauma.

209

THE SEVEN CORE ISSUES WORKBOOK FOR PARENTS OF TRAUMATIZED CHILDREN AND TEENS

Supporting our child’s grief and healing process over time takes emotional courage. Parents walk alongside their child and teen as they move through their journey of understanding themselves, what happened to them and why it happened to them.

210

EXPLORING PARENTING CURVE BALLS Life doesn’t always deliver things in a nice, neat package. Whether we’re talking about marriage, our career or parenting, life always throws us curve balls. These are the things you never see coming. There are always challenges, hiccups and bombshells we never thought we would experience. Parenting children through foster care, kinship or adoption will bring lots of curve balls. When we look at these as opportunities to grow, learn and adapt, we can experience the love, intimacy, connection and healing that these relationships and experiences can offer. When a child joins your family who has lived in an environment where they have experienced trauma, violence, addiction, mental illness and/or neglect, they will have developed lots of coping strategies that helped them to survive. It may be shocking for new parents to parent a child who lies, steals, hoards food, curses, fights, bites, hits, screams, is destructive, can’t sleep, won’t shower, avoids touch, has poor boundaries or won’t attach but can be superficially charming with outsiders. How have you handled some of these parenting curve balls? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... If a school-aged child joins your family, and you missed those years of building physical intimacy through touch and emotional closeness, you may lack the physical intimacy in the attachment relationship. The foundation of attachment is touch and movement such as rocking, holding, feeding, bathing, caressing and playing. When a parent and child miss these critical experiences, it can negatively impact intimacy. This physical intimacy sets the stage for deepening parent-child intimacy over time. How can you build physical intimacy that allows the child to feel safe, connected, loved and relaxed in their bodies? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... When a child has been exposed to sexualized experiences like witnessing sexual acts and pornography, the sexualized behaviors of others, sexual abuse or incest, as well as sexualized language, they bring the memories, feelings, expectations, language, coping strategies and trauma-reactive behaviors into the new family. The child must learn new and healthy ways of connecting, showing affection, having good boundaries, learning to ask for what they need, and not blaming themselves for the “bad things” that happened to them. They will need parents who are very comfortable talking about sex, sexuality,

211

THE SEVEN CORE ISSUES WORKBOOK FOR PARENTS OF TRAUMATIZED CHILDREN AND TEENS

healthy touch and boundaries. How have you managed this very significant curve ball and what feelings and thoughts have been the most difficult for you? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... Human sexuality, sexual orientation and gender identification are quite complex and unfold throughout development. When a child joins your family, how their sexuality, sexual orientation and gender identity will unfold is still a mystery. A parent’s acceptance and unconditional commitment to their child/teen/ adult as they mature and fully become who they were meant to be is an important part of attachment and intimacy. For parents who were raised with more traditional gender roles, this may be a significant curve ball. How have you educated yourself about the complexities of these issues and assisted your child in accepting who they are without shame or guilt? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... Attachment grows over time. When older children are added to the family, who have not yet had the opportunity to develop healthy physical and emotional intimacy with their new parents or siblings, those relationships can be easily sexualized by hormonal pre-teens or teens. They may not have experienced healthy relational permanency. They may develop “crushes” on family members, confuse their needs for closeness with sex, may be awkward with touch and affection, have poor boundaries such as leaving bathroom or bedroom doors open when dressing or showering, and trying to see others naked or getting dressed. Having open, honest and clear discussions about sex, sexuality, dating, boundaries and family expectations is very important for healthy attachment to occur. Describe some of the ways you have helped strengthen healthy intimacy with your teens: ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... Many parents struggle to feel comfortable talking about sex, sexuality and the thoughts, feelings and values connected to these issues. These conversations are even more important when parenting a child

212

Intimacy

whom you did not give birth to and who needs to know who created them, how they were created and the story of why they were adopted or in foster care. If you have struggled with infertility and/or miscarriages, these conversations with your child about their birth story, reproduction, sex and sexuality become more emotionally loaded. Discussions about our bodies, sexuality and values should be ongoing and matched to the child’s developmental stage. The most important ingredient in these conversations is a parent who is relaxed and comfortable. How will you talk to your child about their birth story, reproduction, sex and sexuality over time? What thoughts and feelings surface for you when you think about this parenting task? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... There are additional “curve ball” issues that parents may need to adapt and learn from, such as intellectual or developmental challenges, medical issues, mental illness, death of the birth/first parent, addiction, divorce, whether or not to adopt your child’s siblings, and search and reunion. Each of these are curve balls that other parents in the adoption and permanency community have faced. Which of these curve balls did you experience? And how did you cope? Who have been your mentors and supporters who have helped you to continue learning and growing on your parenting journey? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... If you have not yet parented, which of these curve balls would be the most difficult for you, and why? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... .........................................................................................

When parenting throws you a curve ball, grab a bat and swing!!

213

TIPS TO TALK ABOUT THE TOUGH STUFF Talking about adoption and foster care isn’t always easy for children or parents and can create intimacy barriers. It’s important for children to learn emotional resiliency skills from their parents through emotionally intimate conversations. Here are some tips for parents to help them talk about the “tough stuff” and listen to the deep emotions that these conversations trigger. • Parents should be well rested and emotionally calm. • It’s the parents’ job to initiate conversations about adoption, birth/first family, foster care, moves, siblings, social workers and so on. • Use movies, books and stories to talk about adoption and foster care. Ask questions about the story and characters, such as what happened to the birth/first parents, what the crisis was that led to adoption and how the different characters felt or acted. • Never lie to a child about the past or their birth/first family. Trust is hard to recover once a parent has lied to their child. • Use adoption-positive language that is clear and avoids judgement, myths and stereotypes. • Allow the child to have and express their own feelings towards their birth/first parents and their adoption/foster care/kinship journey. Don’t jump in to judge or take what they say personally. Deep grief, loss, hurt, anger, love and sadness are all normal responses to adoption losses. • Information and facts should be shared as developmentally appropriate over time. By about age 12, children should have all of their information. They have a right to the truth of their whole story. (For additional information see the Development Grid in Seven Core Issues in Adoption and Permanency: A Child’s Developmental Journey Through Adoption and Permanency, page 230.) • If there is developmental trauma and/or the information feels too overwhelming and distressing for the parent to discuss, use the assistance of an adoption and trauma competent therapist. • Parents should treat their child’s adoption and foster care story as belonging to the child. It’s personal, private and intimate to the child. The child needs to know and understand their story before it is shared with others. The child needs control over when and with whom their story is shared.

214

INTIMACY: MY KEY POINTS LIST Reflect on what you learned about yourself from the exercises and activities on intimacy. Make a Key Points List of the most meaningful and important lessons for you as a parent.

• . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . • . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . • . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . • . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . • . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . • . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . • . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . • . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . • . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . • . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . • . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . • . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Now that you have explored the additional issues and tasks connected to intimacy, you’re ready to explore the last core issue of mastery and control.

215

—  Chapter 7  —

MASTERY AND CONTROL Mast ery /C on

cy ima t n I

l tro

I d e n tit y

Reje

cti o n

LOSS Gr

ie f

Sha

G m e/

u il

t

The first step towards mastery is self-awareness, an inward journey to self-discovery! The sixth and last spoke in the wheel of the Seven Core Issues in adoption and permanency is mastery and control. Mastery is a skill, a grasp of a subject or knowledge. It includes mastery over one’s life circumstances, which is connected to self-awareness. The loss of control over a person’s early life journey diminishes their power to direct their future life course. Experiences like the death or loss of a child, trauma, infertility, divorce, foster or kinship care and adoption can leave adults and children searching to regain some control and power in their life. Traumatic losses and multiple attachment disruptions are a repeated assault on our need to feel empowered, safe, secure, valued and connected. To cope with loss and trauma, we may have a need to “over control” all aspects of our life or we may withdraw from trying to get our needs met through human connection. This can lead to an inability to create close, meaningful attachment relationships as we struggle to protect ourselves from further emotional pain or loss. Alternately, mastery requires that we be open to the risks and vulnerabilities of building deep,

217

THE SEVEN CORE ISSUES WORKBOOK FOR PARENTS OF TRAUMATIZED CHILDREN AND TEENS

intimate emotional connections. Mastery does not mean we are done grieving or processing the losses and complexities that come with adoption and permanency, but it allows for the recognition that the experience is only a part of the story and that there are always opportunities for growth and healing. Every human being needs to feel powerful; power is a strong component of resilience. We feel strong and powerful when we overcome obstacles. Feeling powerful gives us the ability to affect others, to feel that we have authority and rights, to feel valued, hopeful and to create change. Loss of control and power may lead to feelings of hopelessness, fear, blame, vulnerability, shame and helplessness. Human beings feel secure and empowered when they have an element of control over their own life choices, identity and destiny. The lost power and control that we experience makes mastery a challenging task. Parents need to recognize that children in foster care, kinship and adoption struggle with mastery for the following reasons: they have been disconnected from both paternal and maternal familial trees; their losses and traumas occurred pre-verbally at a developmental stage where they could not understand, protest or express their fear/confusion/distress/pain; their history of disrupted attachments inhibits their sense of power and can create developmental delays; or they may lack information regarding their own history, and they become dependent on their parents to empower them with accurate information and connections to their past/history. To gain some control, children may fight for power with their parents. Therefore, parents must have mastery over their core issues and emotions so they don’t end up in a chronic power struggle with their child. For parents, being empowered to claim your “parenting role” and being open to the emotions, demands, mistakes and learning on your own unique parenting path is all a part of mastery. People are born with an innate ability to adapt and learn. Mastery is available to anyone willing to commit to the hard, emotional work of the journey. Parents who seek mastery are open to learning, are curious, can make mistakes, seek forgiveness and are committed to practicing new skills to strengthen the parent-child attachment relationship. Parents and children often seek mastery in the following ways: • • • • • •

Learning to trust and create emotional intimacy. Forgiving themselves and others. Building meaningful attachment relationships. Communicating their needs honestly and directly. Identifying and managing their deep feelings and losses. Understanding and telling their unique adoption story from their perspective.

These all reflect the healing side of your journey through the Seven Core Issues of adoption and permanency: the gains, the joy, the learning and the growth.

218

MY MASTERY AND CONTROL QUESTIONNAIRE Words connected to mastery include empowered, powerful, confident, knowledgeable, successful, skillful and fulfilled. Describe specific areas in your life where you have experienced a sense of mastery: ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... What feelings and emotions are connected to your areas of mastery? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... Words connected to control include self-doubt, fear, disempowered, helpless, insecure, impotent, vulnerable and unsafe. Describe areas in your life where you have experienced a loss of control: ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... We all have a desire to have control and power in how our life unfolds. Describe some of the things that have happened in your life that have taken some of your control and power away: ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... Each of us has a unique response to the loss of power and control. What actions and behaviors are typical for you when you lose control and power over important things in your life? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... .........................................................................................

219

THE SEVEN CORE ISSUES WORKBOOK FOR PARENTS OF TRAUMATIZED CHILDREN AND TEENS

Mastery and control dynamics are always a part of the parent-child attachment relationship. From the moment infants come into the world they have a need to feel empowered and valued and to exert their free will. In what ways did you get your needs for control met in childhood and how did your parents respond to sharing control with you? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... People with a strong need for control often have had early experiences where they had little or no control. They may have experienced trauma, violence, poor attachment, isolation, threats, intimidation, bullying and powerlessness. These experiences can leave them fearing emotional intimacy. Describe how you have managed these emotional triggers in your intimate relationships: ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... Becoming a parent thrusts us quickly into learning many new skills all at once. None of us starts in a place of mastery. We all have to start the learning process by making mistakes, adapting, learning, growing and making more mistakes. Describe what this process was like for you. What was easiest? What was the most challenging? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... If you have prior parenting experience, remember that each child who enters your family has a unique temperament, emotional and developmental needs, history of attachment disruptions and trauma, and their own personal way of experiencing their world. Each child brings you a new opportunity to learn more about yourself, grow as a parent and develop more mastery. In what ways have you been adapting and learning from each new child that entered your family? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... .........................................................................................

220

Mastery and Control

In what ways has adoption, foster care or kinship created mastery and control issues? How have you managed these challenges? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... Foster, kinship and adoptive parents have lost some control over certain aspects of parenting and parenting decisions. Some parents who experienced infertility have lost control over their ability to build their family without outside assistance. Describe how this loss of control has impacted you and your spouse/partner: ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... Children who suffer through multiple attachment disruptions, loss of their birth/first family, trauma and neglect experience intense feelings of loss, powerlessness and helplessness. They often have strong needs for control connected to these early life adversities. How do you manage the strong emotions for both you and your child? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... Mastery includes replacing parental anger with empathy. Mastery includes having empathy for our children who are struggling to heal and feel empowered. How have you been able to replace anger with empathy? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... .........................................................................................

221

LOSSES AND CONTROL All of us experience loss of control throughout childhood and across the lifespan. How we learn to cope, adapt and regain some control and mastery is an important aspect of the learning process. Some of us have experienced intense loss of control at early stages of development and may struggle more with the anxiety and distress that resulted. Complete the grid below to identify the ages at which you had significant losses of control, which will help strengthen your self-awareness of your emotional dynamics and triggers.

Loss of control

Age

How I coped with the loss of control

Parental divorce or abandonment

Death of a parent or loved one

Birth or addition of siblings

Physical illness or disability of self, sibling, parent, grandparent

Mental health issues, developmental or learning challenges of self or family member Addiction issues for self or family members

Poverty, creating food and housing issues

222

Lingering effects of loss of control

Mastery and Control

Victim of abuse, neglect, rape, incest

Multiple family moves or a significant move

Significant adult relationships or spouses

As an adult, aging parents or the death of parents

Unplanned pregnancies, abortion or placing a child

Infertility, miscarriages or death of a child

Economic instability, loss of a job/s

Adult physical, mental health, and/ or addiction issues

Missing genetic, cultural, ethnic, racial information needed for identity formation

223

WEIGHING THE PROS AND CONS OF CONTROL There are pros and cons to our controlling behaviors. People use control to get their emotional and psychological needs met and avoid further pain. We have all learned ways to have control over getting love and avoiding pain. People with an extreme need to control are often fighting deep feelings of vulnerability, anxiety, shame, fear and powerlessness. Write down the pros and cons connected to the ways in which you control others in order to get your needs met in relationships.

PROS

CONS

...................................

...................................

...................................

...................................

...................................

...................................

...................................

...................................

...................................

...................................

...................................

...................................

...................................

...................................

224

WHY I FIGHT FOR CONTROL! From the moment we enter the world, we want control. We all have a desire to have power and control over our life and how it unfolds. Experiences like trauma, abandonment, addiction, divorce, abuse and the death of a loved one can lead to overwhelming feelings of fear, helplessness, pain and powerlessness. To counteract these feelings, we can get “over-controlling” in our life and relationships, creating more conflict and distress. “Under the surface” are the thoughts and feelings we carry internally. Complete “On the surface” in the table below, with the actions and behaviors others would observe and experience.

Under the surface

On the surface

I’m anxious and worried all the time that something bad will happen again. I’m scared of getting too close. I don’t deserve love and feel as if I don’t matter. I feel bad and blame myself for my losses or traumas. I feel helpless, as if I have no control over my life and choices. I’ve been hurt a lot and no one sees my deep pain or losses. I can’t do anything right. I’m not good at anything. I’m broken or damaged. I deserve the bad things that happen to me. I don’t want to feel powerless, so I fight for control. I’m afraid of how much anger I feel related to my losses or trauma.

Understanding our NEED for control is the first step towards healing the emotions underneath the surface! 225

TO CONTROL OR NOT TO CONTROL! Think about all of the things you can control: your beliefs, your attitude, your reactions to others, your thoughts, being honest, how you choose to spend your time, worrying, your decisions, how you respond to challenges, and whom you forgive. List all the things that you can control in your life.

Things I can control: • . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . • . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . • . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . • . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . • . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . • . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . • . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . • . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . • . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . List all of the things you cannot control: someone else’s decisions, reactions, feelings, likes or dislikes; how others view me, my genetics, my child’s genetic heritage and temperament; an illness, the economy and death.

Things I cannot control: • . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . • . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . • . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . • . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . • . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . • . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . • . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . • . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . • . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Life is made up of an infinite number of choices. Choosing wisely depends on our ability to know the difference between what we can control and what we cannot control. 226

MY THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS LOG Understanding our need for control, and how it might be helping or hurting us and our relationships, is an important step in exploring the thoughts and feelings that are underneath our controlling behaviors. When something happens that triggers your need for control, write down the event, your negative thoughts/worries, what feelings you experienced and what the outcome of the event was for both you and the other people involved.

Event (people involved and what happened)

My negative thought/s

What was I feeling?

227

How long did my feelings last?

Outcome

SEVEN CORE ISSUES STUCK IN CONTROL! The losses created through adoption, foster care and kinship are significant, lifelong and change the trajectory of one’s life and identity. It’s easy to get stuck, lost, overwhelmed and fearful. Review the core issues for each of the constellation members and answer the related questions that follow. Child/adult adoptee

Birth/first parent

Foster/kinship/adoptive parent

Loss

Of all the constellation members, the infant/child/ adult adoptee loses the most. The trajectory of their life course is significantly altered without their consent. Loss of maternal and paternal familial tree, including siblings that remain with birth family and subsequent siblings. “Why didn’t they want me?” Loss of culture/ethnic/racial heritage and relationships. Loss of the truth and facts of their story and families of origin.

Overwhelmed by loss of their child; initial loss merges with other life events; pain/ yearning/despair may lead to isolation; changes in body and self-image; emotional numbing, addiction and self-loathing. “What kind of person loses their child or gives up on raising their child themselves?”

Infertility equated with loss of creating and birthing one’s own offspring. Lack of entitlement to parent a child born from another. Fear of loss and rejection of child leads to overprotection. Loss of attachment during early developmental stages with infant/child. Loss of seeing themselves or their partner in the child. Loss of giving their own parents a genetic grandchild.

Rejection

“Why didn’t my ‘real’ family want me or work harder to keep me?” Feels like a personal rejection which impacts selfesteem; can only be “chosen” if first rejected or abandoned; anticipates rejection; misperceives situations and may provoke rejection out of fear of further rejection. Ongoing fear of rejection from foster, kin and birth family, and/or their adoptive family. For children who have experienced multiple attachment disruptions, feelings of rejection and fear of further rejection are embedded within their attachment pattern.

Reject self as irresponsible for having an unplanned pregnancy; may feel unworthy because they created an unsafe situation for their child (drugs, abuse, etc.) and their parental rights were terminated. May turn these feelings against themselves as deserving rejection from others, and come to expect and cause rejection. May fear rejection from the child they did not raise, from the other birth/first parent, from the adoptive family and their own family.

Feel like outsiders or not “in the club” with peers and other family members because of procreation difficulties. May fear rejection from partner, by birth/first parents or the agency homestudy process or professionals. May reject child to avoid anticipated rejection; child’s behaviors may cause rejection by others, including one’s own family and friends.

228

Mastery and Control

Child/adult adoptee

Birth/first parent

Foster/kinship/adoptive parent

Shame and guilt

Feel deserving of misfortune because they weren’t good enough to be kept; shame of being different or “not wanted.” May take defensive stance/ anger. Shame about not feeling “good enough” to be kept by parent, family, community or country. Shame and/or guilt for not living up to adoptive/foster or kin families’ standards for them: “I never feel good enough for them.”

Shame of not being able or willing to parent. Shame of neglect, abuse, mental illness or addiction that caused the child pain. Guilt for placing or losing a child; feeling judged by others. Feel caught between the shame of losing the child and the shame of keeping the child when others could do more for the child. Secrecy surrounding the loss of the child keeps them in shame. Guilt and shame about how they treated the other birth/first parent: “I’m a failure and I deserve to be punished.”

Shame of infertility; view childlessness as curse or punishment because of the things they’ve “done wrong.” May feel like a religious or spiritual crisis. Shame/guilt due to a lack of attachment to the child. Shame and guilt about the child’s behaviors at home, school and with others. Guilt about the impact of adoption on their family. Shame or guilt for avoiding connections to child’s birth/first family and their cultural/racial/ethnic heritage. Shame and guilt about avoiding the facts and the feelings connected to the child’s story.

Grief

Understanding of core losses, secondary losses and ambiguous losses unfolds over childhood and intensifies in adolescence. The child understands losses as they age and mature, which triggers grief reactions again and again. Grief connected to lack of information and relationships to birth/first family; being like everyone else; the parent’s inability to understand the child’s losses/pain. Grief may be overlooked, minimized or blocked by adults/parents. Feelings and expressions of grief may include avoidance and numbing, depression, isolation, anger and/or “acting out.” May grieve lack of “fit” in the family that’s raising them.

Birth/first parents lose the child and every developmental milestone as the child ages. The child’s absence from the family tree is grieved by many. Grief unfolds over a long period of time and is connected to anniversary reactions such as birthdays or holidays. The lack of rituals for mourning a child removed from the family tree blocks grief. “I may project blame and anger onto others to avoid my pain.” May feel undeserving of empathy. May work hard to “not feel” and use substances/alcohol to numb themselves.

Ongoing losses of infertility create grief. “I must grieve the loss of my fantasy child and the loss of ‘traditional parenting.’” Parenting a child through foster, kin and adoption comes with additional issues and tasks that create emotional landmines. May grieve the fact that they are not the mother/father they thought they would be, nor is their partner. Any unresolved grief from their own childhood, infertility or trauma may block attachment to the child. The child’s grief and trauma may trigger grief as attachment deepens.

229

THE SEVEN CORE ISSUES WORKBOOK FOR PARENTS OF TRAUMATIZED CHILDREN AND TEENS

Child/adult adoptee

Birth/first parent

Foster/kinship/adoptive parent

Identity

Disconnection from maternal and paternal familial trees creates lack of information and impedes formation of a cohesive identity. Multiple attachment disruptions that disconnect a child from their caregivers, who hold pieces of their story and identity, will create deficits in identity formation. May try on identities from the information they know about birth/first family to create a sense of belonging. In the process of searching for parts of their identity they might experiment with what they know or suspect about their birth/first family, like the friends, clothing, foods, music or activities of the birth/first family. Search and reunion fantasies and thoughts are typical as the child/teen is trying to understand “why” it happened and “who they are.” The additional identity tasks of integrating aspects from the birth/first family trees and their adoptive/foster/kin experiences create more emotional and psychological work over the lifespan.

What is a birth/first mother/ father? “Am I ‘really’ a mother or father? I’m not ‘mothering’ or ‘fathering.’” May hide this part of their identity from others for fear of rejection and shame. Others may not know their full identity and the individual can only offer a limited view of who they are to the child. “How do I and others define my identity as a birth/first mother/ father? How do I adjust, claim and integrate this specific role into my identity?” The negative cultural or societal view from others can diminish self-worth as they devalue this role that is connected to their identity. A fragile sense of self and identity may interfere with future decisions such as having additional children, getting married and having a relationship with the child placed/lost. The additional identity tasks include forgiving oneself and others for the crisis that occurred at a vulnerable time, and claiming a positive, worthy identity.

Parents must claim all aspects of their identity, including their parenting role. Infertility may lead to a diminished sense of self and may negatively impact the full claiming of the parental role. Their identity as a parent who chooses to parent by foster/kinship/adoption may be viewed by their family and community as different, “second best,” not “real” and temporary to one generation. For individuals who have already parented, growing their family through foster/ kinship or adoption creates a shift in how they see themselves and how others see them, as they’re parenting children not genetically connected. “I’m a parent but I’m not the genetic parent. I don’t see ‘me’ in my child.” Role confusion about being a foster/kinship or adoptive parent. “Am I fully claiming my role as parent?” The additional tasks include claiming and attuning to the unique needs of the child, helping the child understand their adoption story and supporting their grief/losses over time.

Intimacy

Attachment disruptions and traumatic losses create pain, suffering and fear. Lack of cohesive identity limits intimacy. “If I don’t know who I am, what I need and what I have to offer others, it’s hard to achieve emotional intimacy.” Emotional closeness creates feelings of vulnerability and fear of more loss/rejection/ shame. Fear of getting close and risking re-enacting earlier losses; if people get “too close” they’ll discover that the child is bad or an imposter; “I don’t deserve unconditional love.” Attachment issues may lower capacity for intimacy. Child creates emotional distance to avoid rejection.

“Losing a child that I created is like losing an important piece of myself.” May create feelings of being unworthy, shameful and not valuable enough to be loved. Emotional numbing, addiction, avoidance of grief will make it difficult to access the emotions needed to create healthy intimacy/connection. Secrecy connected to birth/first parent identity limits ability to be fully honest and authentic in relationships. May never tell anyone about the child they lost or placed. May not feel comfortable in their own body and may avoid touch and physical closeness.

Infertility, failed fertility procedures, miscarriages and/ or the loss of children to whom they are attached all impact intimate relationships. If the pain of loss is not addressed as both an individual and a couple, intimacy suffers. Unresolved grief over these losses may lead to attachment and intimacy problems. What their body could do or not do may make it hard for them to feel entitled to parent or claim a child born from another. “Do I even have a right to be a parent if I can’t create my own child?” Adopting a child with trauma and/or attachment disruptions adds stress or strain to the intimacy of the adopting couple.

230

Mastery and Control

Mastery and control

Child/adult adoptee

Birth/first parent

Foster/kinship/adoptive parent

Adoption altered their life in a profound way. They had no control or power over any of the decisions about moving, foster care or adoption, staying connected to the birth/first family, especially parents and siblings. No power to stop the traumatic events in their life. Other people had all the control over their destiny, preservation of their information and history; the truth and facts of their story. Traumatic losses include all of the macro and micro losses of losing two familial trees along with each subsequent attachment disruption moving from a home, neighborhood, school, culture and community. “I’m trying to avoid experiencing more loss and pain, so I fight for control even when it doesn’t benefit me, so I can feel that I have some power in my world.” Some individuals may relinquish all control and assume complete helplessness. They may feel like a chronic victim, always powerless: “I have no power and control over my life and what happens to me. Why keep trying?”

Birth/first parents may have had their own childhood trauma, neglect, foster care or adoption experience. Deep shame/ trauma can lead to unresolved pain, grief and unmet attachment and developmental needs, which may leave them feeling that their life is out of their control. Addiction, depression, mental illness, poverty and lack of support and life skills may lead to risk-taking behaviors and further victimization. Some birth/first parents experienced a crisis pregnancy beyond their control. Whether or not birth/ first parents received guidance, support and resources to make the best choice for themselves and their child, they either felt empowered or disempowered. The loss of the parenting role may lead to feelings of helplessness and further victimization. Without feeling empowered over their life decisions, birth/first parents may get stuck in anger and grief and fight for control and power.

The experiences of infertility, foster care, kinship and adoption may lead parents to feel out of control and powerless. The fertility doctors, the birth/first parents and the child welfare and court system appear to have all of the power. Sharing the power with all of the above may make them feel helpless as they are trying to achieve their goal of parenting. May feel insecure about the parenting role, which may lead to them fighting for control with others as well as their child. May feel a need to over-protect and over-control the child in order to reclaim their power, defend against further losses and prove that they are a “real” parent.

Reflecting on your child’s history of loss, trauma and disrupted attachments, what specific losses of control did your child experience and what ages did they occur? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... As you review the child’s experiences of loss, trauma and attachment through the lens of the core issues, describe the controlling behaviors and actions you might see, or do see: ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... .........................................................................................

231

THE SEVEN CORE ISSUES WORKBOOK FOR PARENTS OF TRAUMATIZED CHILDREN AND TEENS

What feelings are underneath those controlling behaviors and actions? What are those feelings and controlling behaviors trying to tell you about what your child REALLY needs? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... In what ways can I share control and empower my child without giving away my parental control? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... Given that through the child you as a parent are always connected to your child’s birth/first parents/ family, review the core issues of the birth/first parents. What do you think it would feel like to be a birth/ first parent? If you were a birth/first parent, what might you do to regain some control and power? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... The birth/first parents’ core issues are connected to your family. Their presence is experienced through your child’s losses, behaviors and questions, any ongoing contact, and future search and reunion relationships. How might these additional complexities trigger power and control issues? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... In reviewing the core issues for foster, kinship and adoptive parents, what are the challenges or issues that impact your sense of power and control? How are they being addressed? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... .........................................................................................

232

WHAT’S YOUR ZONE? While we cannot control everything, there are plenty of things we can control, like our responses, reactions and behaviors. Fear zone: • I complain frequently. • I spread emotions related to fear, anxiety and anger. • I get mad easily. Learning zone: • I evaluate information before spreading something false. • I recognize we are all trying to do our best. • I start to give up what I cannot control. Growth zone: • I thank and appreciate others. • I look for ways to adapt to new changes. • I am empathetic with myself and others. What’s your zone? How has this zone developed over time? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... How does this zone work or not work for you in your relationships? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... .........................................................................................

233

THE SEVEN CORE ISSUES WORKBOOK FOR PARENTS OF TRAUMATIZED CHILDREN AND TEENS

How does being in this zone impact your parenting? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... Identify three things you could do to strengthen your zone: ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... What zone do you think a child who has experienced loss or trauma might be in? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... .........................................................................................

234

Mastery and Control

EMPOWERED PARENTING POWER is like a candle. You can give your child power without giving away any of your own power.

Kids don’t want YOUR power, they want THEIR OWN power!

Help EMPOWER your kids by: • • • • • •

Remember to:

acknowledging their FEELINGS starting with their STRENGTHS offering CHOICES, not orders asking for their HELP giving them RESPONSIBILITIES using EMPOWERING words.

• create structure and rules that are clear and predictable • avoid power struggles • use empathy, not anger, to correct misbehavior • use respectful and clear communication.

Children who feel helpless and powerless on the inside spend a lot of time fighting for power and control!

235

FOUR STEPS TO MASTERY Neuroscience teaches us that people have a “habitual behavioral system” that operates at a level deeper than conscious thought. This habitual system is deeply engrained, difficult to change and requires awareness and practice in order to create a new pattern of behavior. Learning generally occurs in stages; a stage ends when the “habitual system” has been reprogrammed to new skills. This is why “practice makes perfect.” It takes many repetitions for the sensory system to create new habits and skills. This journey to mastery is not about achieving a goal or getting to a finish line. It is about the process of learning and practicing every day. Becoming a parent thrusts us quickly into learning new skills and changing habitual patterns. Parenting is an intense and emotional journey that includes lots of new learning as we adjust and make mistakes. Parents must learn to adapt to each unique child who lands on their attachment dancefloor. Be patient with yourself as you gain mastery.

Mastery Practice. Practice. Practice Gaining knowledge Self-awareness

Steps to mastery: 1. Self-awareness. Examining who we are at our core in order to discover our purpose, goals, needs, desires and those aspects of the self that allow us to reach our full potential and create a meaningful life. What barriers, belief systems or unresolved issues do we carry within that keep us stuck? 2. Gaining knowledge. Using what we learned from our journey into self-awareness in step one, we can now identify what knowledge, skills and which teachers can assist us on our path towards mastery. This is the “learning” phase of mastery. 3. Practice. Practice. Practice. We must actively utilize the knowledge gained from learning in step two and practice integrating those skills into our daily life. Lots and lots of practice is required, which includes making mistakes, getting feedback, learning something new and more practice. This is the “doing” phase of mastery.

236

Mastery and Control

4. Mastery. Remaining self-aware, practicing and using our newly acquired knowledge and skills with ease. Mastery has been habituated. Obstacles to mastery: • A lack of self-awareness, emotionally numb or detached, unaddressed core issues, trauma and disrupted attachments, a victim mentality that keeps one powerless, allowing others to define us, co-dependency and minimal emotional supports.

237

MASTERY AND THE SEVEN CORE ISSUES When constellation members have acknowledged and identified their losses, examined feelings or fears of rejection, become aware of any issues connected to shame and guilt, addressed their grief process and built an authentic identity that includes their adoption and permanency status which allows for healthy emotional intimacy, mastery and healing occurs. The achievement of mastery connected to adoption and permanency is a process that requires adapting, resiliency, learning, self-awareness and forgiveness. Child/adult adoptee

Birth/first parent

Foster/kinship/adoptive parent

Loss

Loss of maternal and paternal familial tree. “Why didn’t they want me?” Loss of cultural/ethnic/racial heritage and relationships. Loss of the truth and facts of their story and families of origin.

Overwhelmed by lost child; initial loss merges with other life events; pain/yearning/ despair may lead to isolation; changes in body and self-image. Emotional numbing, addiction and self-loathing. “What kind of person loses their child or gives up their child?”

Infertility equated with loss of self and immortality; issues of entitlement lead to fear of loss of child/overprotection; loss of impact on child’s early years. Loss of seeing themselves in the child. Loss of giving their parents a genetic grandchild.

Rejection

“Why didn’t my ‘real’ family want me or work harder to keep me?” Feels like a personal rejection; issues of self-esteem; can only be “chosen” if first rejected; anticipate rejections; misperceive situations and may provoke rejection out of fear of further rejection.

Reject themselves as irresponsible, unworthy because they created an unsafe situation (drugs/ abuse/etc.), adoption/rights terminated. May turn these feelings against themselves as deserving rejection, and come to expect and cause rejection.

Ostracized because of procreation difficulties; scapegoat partner; fear rejection by birth parents or the agency/homestudy process. May reject child to avoid anticipated rejection. Child’s behaviors may cause rejection by others.

Shame and guilt

Deserving misfortune; shame of being different or “not wanted”; may take defensive stance/anger. Shame about not feeling “good enough” to be kept by parent, family, community or country.

Shame of not being prepared to parent. Shame of neglect/abuse of child. Guilt for placing or losing a child; judged by others; double-bind: not okay to keep the child and not okay to place the child. “I deserve bad things to happen to me.”

Shame of infertility; view childlessness as curse or punishment; religious crisis; shame about child’s behaviors; guilt if they don’t like the child.

238

Mastery and Control

Child/adult adoptee

Birth/first parent

Foster/kinship/adoptive parent

Grief

Understanding of core losses, secondary losses and ambiguous losses unfolds over childhood and intensifies in adolescence. Grief may be overlooked, minimized or blocked by adults/parents. Feelings of depression, isolation, anger and/or “acting out”; may grieve lack of “fit” in adoptive family.

Grief may be delayed 10–15 years; lack rituals for mourning; sense of shame blocks grief. May project blame and anger onto others. May feel undeserving of empathy. May work hard to “not feel” and use substances/alcohol to avoid the suffering and pain of grief.

Pain of infertility. Must grieve loss of “fantasy” child and the path of “traditional parenting.” “I’m not the mother/father I thought I would be.” Unresolved grief may block attachment to child; may experience child’s grief and trauma as attachment deepens.

Identity

Disconnection for maternal and paternal familial trees creates deficits in information and impedes integration of identity; may try on identities of birth family in order to create sense of belonging; may search for identity in various ways, including early pregnancies. Search and reunion fantasies and thoughts are typical as the child/teen is trying to understand “why” it happened and “who they are.”

What is a birth mother/ father? “How do I come to terms with this role or part of who I am?” Diminished sense of self and self-worth may interfere with future parental desires. “Am I ‘really’ a mother or father? I’m not ‘mothering’ or fathering.’” May hide this part of their identity from others for fear of rejection and shame.

Diminished sense of continuity of self: “I’m a parent but I’m not the genetic parent; I’m an adoptive parent.” Role confusion about being a foster/kinship or adoptive parent and fully claiming role as parent: “I don’t see ‘me’ in my child.” May struggle with allowing their child to have feelings for the “other” mother or father.

Intimacy

Fear of getting close and risking re-enacting earlier losses: “If people get ‘too close’ they’ll discover I’m bad or an imposter.” Concerns over possible incest; attachment issues may lower capacity for intimacy. Creates emotional distance to avoid rejection.

Loss of intimacy with child may create strong desire for more children. Emotional numbing, addiction, avoidance of grief will make it difficult to access the emotions needed to create healthy intimacy/ connection.

Unresolved grief over losses may lead to attachment and intimacy problems; may not feel entitled to fully “claim” the child as theirs; child may split the parents; may avoid closeness with child to avoid feelings of loss, pain, trauma or rejection.

239

THE SEVEN CORE ISSUES WORKBOOK FOR PARENTS OF TRAUMATIZED CHILDREN AND TEENS

Mastery and control

Child/adult adoptee

Birth/first parent

Foster/kinship/adoptive parent

“Adoption altered my life. I had no control of any decisions about adoption, staying connected to my birth/first parents, siblings, moves and/or trauma. I have worked hard to know and understand the facts of my story and how it affected my life and relationships. I know who I am. I know the truth of my story as much as is possible.”

“Whether I relinquished my parental rights or my parental rights were removed from me by the courts, I accept and forgive myself for the struggles that were in my life at the time. I don’t project my trauma, pain, loss or wound onto other constellation members. My trauma and my wounds are my responsibility to heal, understand and acknowledge. I am not punishing myself and am able to enjoy my life.”

“Whether I chose to foster or adopt my child due to infertility, crisis or kinship, I see the losses and opportunities for growth and healing. I have forgiven myself for any parental mistakes. I feel good about my decision and my growth as a parent. I am not in competition with the birth/ first parents. I am confident in my role as a parent and feel deeply attached to my child. I have a lifelong commitment to my child/ adult and their needs.”

Getting to mastery is often a hard-fought journey to self-awareness. What have you learned about yourself through the experience of parenting by foster, kinship and/or adoption? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... Reflecting on your journey through the core issues to mastery, describe the skills and strengths you’ve achieved: ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... .........................................................................................

240

Mastery and Control

Parents who have been in the trenches, learning and growing through their parenting journey, have much wisdom to offer other parents. What words of wisdom would you pass along to other parents at earlier stages of parenting? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... For a child or teen connected to foster, kinship or adoption, the road to mastery is loaded with emotional landmines and can often feel very lonely. Describe some of the ways you think a parent could help a child/teen explore their core issues: ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... In what ways has your journey through the core issues and increased self-awareness impacted your relationships with other constellation members? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... .........................................................................................

241

FORGIVENESS AND THE CORE ISSUES Before we are parents, we don’t really know what this parenting journey will look like or feel like to us personally. How will it feel to be a mother or father? How will I know what my child needs or how to understand their unique emotional cues or behaviors? What skills do I need to learn to deepen and strengthen the attachment relationship with my child? What are their unique developmental needs and how can I adapt and grow through this parenting journey with my child? Most of the time we are learning through trial and error, which requires that we make mistakes. It is hoped that we learn from those mistakes so we’re not repeating them. Of course, this requires lots of forgiveness, of both self and others. Forgiveness is a process that begins with taking responsibility for our actions and behaviors that may have caused pain or harm, intentionally or unintentionally—forgiving yourself for parenting mistakes like not knowing how or when to tell your child the “hard parts” of their story. Write down all of the parenting mistakes you need to forgive yourself for so you can wake up tomorrow feeling forgiven: ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... Now that you’ve identified all of those things that you’ve been beating yourself up about, write a letter to yourself explaining why those mistakes occurred and what you would do differently, and end it with forgiving yourself.

DEAR . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... .........................................................................................

242

Mastery and Control

Accepting our own and others’ flaws, differences and limitations is an important part of forgiveness. How have you learned to accept yours and others’ flaws, differences and limitations? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... Becoming a parent is an intense, emotionally intimate relationship. Sharing your child with other members of the constellation (birth/first parents, foster parents, siblings, grandparents) can trigger the core issues. What issues or events have occurred with constellation members connected to your child that remain unaddressed or unresolved? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... How could you use the skills and tools you’ve learned through this workbook to address these issues/ concerns? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... .........................................................................................

FORGIVENESS is a gift we give to ourselves.

243

THE GIFTS OF FORGIVENESS We are wired to connect, love, hurt and grow. Our emotions allow us to love deeply and to hurt deeply. Learning to forgive ourselves and others is an important skill to master during our parenting journey. Understanding our own feelings, what hurt us and why it hurt us, allows us to also forgive, grow and gain wisdom.

CONNECTEDNESS as I heal past ruptured relationships. SELF-COMPASSION as I let go of past mistakes. TRUST in SELF as I take responsibility for my actions. INNER PEACE from releasing self-doubt. SELF-AWARENESS as I know my inner needs, fears and strengths. EMPATHY for self and others. BELONGING as I deepen my relationships. JOY from the healing that occurs through forgiveness. OPEN HEARTEDNESS as I’m open to life’s possibilities. 244

MASTERY AND MINDFUL PARENTING Becoming more mindful and intentional within the dance of attachment between ourselves and our child begins with us! Complete the activity below for several days in a row as you work to become more mindful and intentional in your parenting. Notice your own feelings when you are in conflict with your child. What is happening internally within you that is creating your response? What is the pattern you notice within yourself?

STOP! PAUSE! Take a few deep breaths! Think through your various actions and behaviors before reacting. Describe possible options: 1. 2. 3.

Being calm and regulated, you can listen carefully to your child’s point of view and attune to their emotions. Even if you disagree, work to understand their challenges and perspectives.

245

WHAT OPENNESS IN ADOPTION MEANS Secrets, misinformation and disconnection from our roots and history can lead to identity confusion, shame and distress. The large majority of adoptions today are from foster care where children have connections to birth/first parents, siblings and extended family. Keeping children connected to important and meaningful people in their lives helps to minimize their losses over time. We view openness on a continuum from being open and honest when communicating the truth of your child’s story to nurturing important relationships your child already has and preserving connections to people who hold pieces of your child’s history, identity and story. OPENNESS CONTINUUM

Some identifying info

Closed/confidential No identifying info

Exchange facts/pictures

No updated info

No in-person contact Some updated info

Open, in-person and ongoing contact Exchange of info Updated info

Benefits of open adoption for the child: • They get to know and understand the “real” people who created them. This avoids the creation of the “fantasy” birth/first parent that they may idealize or by whom they feel rejected. • They get to see, feel, touch and know the people/family that made them. • They get the mirroring that the rest of us get from our families of origin (race/ethnicity/culture/ socio-economic). • They get to ask all the questions they have about “what happened” and “why it happened” from the people who made those decisions. Those questions evolve, change and deepen as the child develops. • They get to experience that people and families change, grow and evolve. They get to have relationships with both older and future siblings connected to their birth/first parents. Build boundaries, not walls. All longstanding relationships require effort and work because we are all growing, evolving and changing. When foster/kinship and adoptive parents, along with birth/first parents, can keep the child’s emotional and psychological needs at the forefront, openness in adoption works really well for the child. As you are the gatekeeper for all of your children’s relationships when they are young, what factors allow you, as the parent, to establish meaningful connections and healthy boundaries with your child’s teachers, coaches, extended family, mentors, peers and their families? .........................................................................................

246

Mastery and Control

......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... What circumstances would cause you to limit those relationships and what could you do to address the causes that created the conflict, and re-establish healthy boundaries with the others both for your child and your family? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... One of your jobs as an adoptive, kinship and foster parent is to create, manage and preserve relationships with other meaningful people in your child’s life. One of our roles as parents to our children is to help them learn how to create healthy relationships, which includes healthy boundaries with honest communication. What life experiences and skillsets have you used to build relationships where conflict or challenges needed addressing and clear boundaries needed to be set? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... Give an example of a time you used your skills of direct communication and clarification of healthy boundaries to address or resolve a relationship issue. What was the outcome? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... .........................................................................................

247

THE SEVEN CORE ISSUES WORKBOOK FOR PARENTS OF TRAUMATIZED CHILDREN AND TEENS

All of these mastery skills are transferable to your parenting role. These skills will help you address the challenges that surface around your core issues, how they’re emotionally triggered, and strengthen openness with the birth/first family. Describe the concerns for yourself connected to building a relationship and setting boundaries with the birth/first family. What skills can you use to address your concerns? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... Describe your concerns for your child connected to openness with the birth/first family. What skills would you use to address your concerns? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... Describe the benefits of openness for your child when they’re infants, five, ten and fifteen: ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... .........................................................................................

Remember: • Walls are rigid and not moveable. • Boundaries are malleable; they can be changed and moved. • Mastery involves overcoming your fears. Mastering our core issues as parents increases our insight and sensitivity to our child’s core issues and needs.

248

TEN THINGS YOUR CHILD NEEDS TO HEAR FROM YOU 1. Nothing stops my love for you! 2. Even though I get angry or mad at you sometimes, I always, always love you! There may be times when I need to take a break and think about what I’m feeling and why I am upset, hurt or mad. 3. Your voice matters, your feelings matter, I see and hear you! 4. You will have lots and lots of deep feelings about your adoption story and what happened to you. All those BIG feelings are normal and I hope you share them with me! 5. You are unique, strong and worthy of love! 6. The only person I want you to be is you! My job is to help you explore and find out who you are! 7. You will have lots of questions about your birth/first family, such as “What happened and why did it happen?” All those questions are okay and I’m always here to talk and listen. 8. It’s okay to be sad, mad, hurt, scared or overwhelmed sometimes about all the things that have happened to you. Finding words to express your feelings can be hard. I’m here to help with all those BIG feelings! 9. You do not have to choose between loving us and your birth/first family. I will support your decision to find out more about your birth/first family and/or your lost connections. Your heart is BIG and it can love everyone! 10. Being adopted can feel really different sometimes. Lots of people don’t understand how it feels and may make jokes or comments, or tell you how lucky you are. I want you to know that I am the lucky one because I get to be your parent.

249

FIVE STAGES OF PARENTING There are five basic stages of parenting. Each stage comes with its own unique tasks, responsibilities, challenges and opportunities for growth. As parents, in order to reach mastery, we need to acknowledge these stages and allow our children to develop as a separate self, with a separate identity, enabling them to successfully launch into adulthood. The Seven Core Issues add additional tasks and complexities at each of these stages for both the parent and the child. The need to share and discuss your child’s history and story unfolds throughout all five stages of parenting. 1. Pre-child stage (physical or emotional pregnancy). We prepare for the arrival of the baby/child by imagining how we will be as parents, how our lives will change, and how we will cope with the responsibilities and challenges of a baby/child. 2. The attachment stage (0–5 years). Parents nurture their baby/child and form the bonds of attachment as they learn to balance the needs of the baby with work, partner, social life and other family and household needs. This is a very emotionally intense stage for both parents and child; as children grow, develop and change quickly, parents are often running to catch up, both emotionally and physically. At about age two, parents must establish boundaries, structure and rules for their children. Rules are often quite black and white during this stage, to ensure that the child’s safety and developmental needs are met. Attachment precedes discipline. The parent is adapting to meet the ever-changing social, emotional and developmental needs of their child. The “work” of meeting these needs deepens and strengthens the parent-child attachment relationship. This stage may be delayed and/or elongated based on when the child enters the family. 3. The latency years (5–12 years). The child goes to school and begins to see themselves as a citizen of their own world. They play sports, music and chess, and participate in other activities at school, church or in their community. They begin to experience their world outside their parents/family. Children are learning to create meaningful peer connections, coping with peer pressure, developing their strengths and talents and becoming resilient. Children who have missed the opportunity to develop a secure attachment relationship and have missed earlier developmental milestones often struggle with learning, emotional regulation, peer relationships, cause-and-effect thinking, empathy and conscience development. 4. The teen years. The teen is adapting to increased independence while they are still somewhat dependent. The major task for the teen is identity formation—the understanding of their history and the discovering of their life path. This can be a difficult time for both parents and adolescents as the family tries to find a balance between dependency and increased freedom and independence. As the teen thinks more abstractly and feels more deeply and intensely, the parents’ job is to be emotionally available and supportive of the teen’s journey to find themselves and create their path. 5. The launching stage (late adolescence to adulthood). The empty nest! From the time your child joined your family you have been preparing them to launch successfully into adulthood. It may be celebrated or dreaded! The departure stage is when the child reaches full or almost complete independence. The parent must release control and allow their adult child to launch, find themselves, make life’s mistakes and travel their own life path. If your child joined your family at a later stage of development, this stage may need to be extended to allow your child to complete

250

Mastery and Control

earlier developmental tasks. All children should be launched from the love and safety of their family with the full truth of their story, both the difficult and positive aspects. After reviewing the Five Stages of Parenting, describe the stage you are currently in and what tasks as a parent you need to master: ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... What has made mastering these parental tasks a challenge? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... What have been the gains, gifts or rewards of this parental stage? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... Parenting is all about adapting. What have you learned about yourself that helps you continue to grow, learn and adapt as you move through the various parenting stages? ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... ......................................................................................... .........................................................................................

Mastery is not about perfect parenting. Mastery is about LOVING the role of being a parent and having your child see your joy and growth through this parenting journey. 251

YOUR GAINS FROM THE JOURNEY There are both losses and gains in this journey into parenting. By acknowledging and strengthening your awareness into your own core issues, you are able to enjoy a deeper appreciation of all the gains and benefits there are in foster, kinship and adoptive parenting. Identify all the gains, joys and benefits you have experienced in your journey. Be specific! 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. 11. 12. 13. 14. 15. Enjoy the gains, love and growth in your journey. Childhood is short! Your child needs to see you enjoying being their parent.

252

MASTERY AND CONTROL: MY KEY POINTS LIST Reflect on what you learned about yourself from the exercises and activities on mastery and control. Make a Key Points List of the most meaningful and important lessons for you as a parent.

• . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . • . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . • . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . • . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . • . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . • . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . • . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . • . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . • . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . • . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . • . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . • . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

One of the most important, meaningful and challenging jobs we will ever have is parenting. We are raising young humans to be kind, loving citizens of the world, able to feel, work, love, connect and make their dreams come true. Congratulations on completing your journey of self-discovery.

253

THE SEVEN CORE ISSUES WORKBOOK FOR PARENTS OF TRAUMATIZED CHILDREN AND TEENS

CONGRATULATIONS TO YOU! Allison and Sharon congratulate you for your commitment to examining your Seven Core Issues and becoming more therapeutic and healing in your parenting. The gifts you have secured for your child by completing these exercises are a deeper understanding of your child’s journey, a more sensitive attunement to their needs and a richer attachment that lasts a lifetime.

Notes to Self • We all learned to parent from our parents when we were children. Some of those attributes we may want to replicate but others we may want to change. Self-awareness allows us to focus on our habitual systems and practice changing them to create a loving, healing, secure attachment with our child. • All parents make mistakes! So often we hear, “I wish I knew then what I know now!” Apologize, forgive yourself and do it differently next time. • No two people parent the same way. Allow your partner their style, their mistakes, their journey of self-awareness and skill building. • Adoptive, foster and kinship parents do all the same work of other everyday parents but have additional tasks that require special knowledge, extra time and often courage. • Remember, your child is connected to their whole constellation in their heart and mind, even if not in person. To make your child’s journey easier, respect each other, allow for differences, honor each other’s Seven Core Issues. • Birth/first, adoptive, foster and kinship parenting roles are all important in a child’s life. They are all real and all are important to your child. Claim your role and honor the others. • The losses for all constellation members are life-altering and intergenerational. It is the day-to-day secondary losses that sting the most. Recognize them, plan for them, accept the feelings associated with them. • Because of their loss history, our children can be more sensitive to rejection. Do not take everything personally. Watch what you say and how you say it; be a role model for your children. • Our self-esteem has been impacted by our loss history, our fear and feelings of rejection. Choose strong role models, be proud of your unique gifts and experiences, treasure the groups of people to whom you are connected, and be aware of your roots and your goals for the future. All of the above must also be provided for your child. • Reject the shame others may have laid on you and examine the guilt you carry. Be careful to avoid shaming your child/teen. • All losses must be grieved in order to heal. Knowing what you have lost and taking the time out of your busy life to grieve and address your pain offers the gifts of resilience and insight, and the joy that leads to a fulfilling life. • Identity is multi-faceted. Knowing as much as possible about your story and the truths of your life, both the painful and positive aspects, allows for a cohesive, authentic identity to

254

ABOUT THE AUTHORS

develop. We must bring our authentic selves to our parenting roles and must investigate, preserve and share the complete story of our child’s history in order for them to develop a cohesive, authentic identity. • A cohesive identity allows for true emotional intimacy. We must understand our needs, wants, fears, what we offer another, and our attachment style. It is not your child’s job to meet your emotional needs as a parent. It is your job to emotionally attune to your child’s ever-changing developmental and attachment needs. • Achieving mastery creates increased self-awareness and knowledge and skills that assist you in feeling empowered and insightful in your role as a therapeutic, healing parent.

ABOUT THE AUTHORS Allison Davis Maxon, M.S., LMFT, is a nationally recognized expert in the fields of child welfare and children’s mental health, specializing in attachment, developmental trauma and permanency/ adoption. She is the Executive Director for the National Center on Adoption and Permanency and was the child welfare consultant on the Paramount Pictures movie Instant Family. Allison was honored in 2017 with the Congressional Coalition on Adoption Institute “Angels in Adoption” award and is the co-author of Seven Core Issues in Adoption and Permanency: A Guide to Promoting Understanding and Healing in Adoption, Foster Care, Kinship Families and Third Party Reproduction (Jessica Kingsley Publishers 2019). Contact Allison at www.allisondavismaxon.com. Sharon Kaplan Roszia, M.S., is an internationally known trainer and author who helped pave the way for open adoption practice, believing in keeping connections over time. She has been devoted to her work in adoption and foster care since 1963 and is also a parent by birth, adoption and foster care. She has co-authored two books on open adoption, The Open Adoption Experience and Cooperative Adoption. She is the recipient of an “Angels in Adoption” award from the Congressional Coalition on Adoption Institute and a “Humanitarian Award” from the American Adoption Congress and is the co-author of Seven Core Issues in Adoption and Permanency: A Guide to Promoting Understanding and Healing in Adoption, Foster Care, Kinship Families and Third Party Reproduction (Jessica Kingsley Publishers 2019). Contact Sharon at www.sharonroszia.com.

255