The Devil and Jesus Debate Tinder Strategies: How to Optimize Your Tinder Success

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THE DEVIL AND JESUS DEBATE TINDER STRATEGIES How to Optimize Your Tinder Success

Adam Nostra Copyright © Adam Nostra 2019 All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce this book, or portions thereof in any form. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored, in any form or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical without the express written permission of the author, except in the case of a reviewer, who may quote brief passages embodied in critical articles or in a review.

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Table of Contents The Devil and Jesus Debate Tinder Strategies The Secret Tinder Conference The Jesus Profile The Virgin Mary and the Holy Ghost The Tedious Beauties Melania and Donald Jesus The Devil and Nietzsche The Devil The Devil’s Tinder Profile The Hell-Gate Hell The Devil’s Top Ten Tinder Tips

THE SECRET TINDER CONFERENCE to tell you about the secret event in Trump Tower where the Devil I want gave a lecture to assorted A-listers on how to be more successful on Tinder. In his select audience were Jesus Christ, God the Father, God the Holy Ghost, Donald Trump, Melania Trump, Harvey Weinstein, and many other luminaries. The Devil took a sip of Bloody Mary, followed by a shot of absinthe, then said, with the straightest face, “The worst Tinder strategy I’ve ever seen was God the Father’s. A while back, well right back in the Garden of Eden, that guy did a Left Swipe on the whole of humanity … a Global left swipe. Of course, he didn’t call it a left swipe. It was “Original Sin” back then. “Yup, he chose to reject 100% of his potential matches. He sentenced the whole lot of them, all humans forever, to deepest, darkest hell just because he had a bad Tinder experience with that first couple of swingers, Adam and Eve. “Eve was very racy. She fancied a bit of Adam – he loved doggy style – and a bit of God – strictly missionary position – but above all she wanted me, the kinky guy. She was totally into BDSM. Couldn’t get enough. Loved breaking taboos. She was my little bitch. She’d do anything for me. As her dom, I gave her very clear instructions: go and eat the apple of the forbidden tree, and then get that cuckold boyfriend of yours to do the same. She didn’t hesitate, good little girl. Adam was such a boring vanilla. “God was livid, of course. Doms can’t stand being out-dommed by rival doms. He went totally berserk and closed down the whole Eden pleasure resort (Earthly Paradise), denying everyone access to the trees of life and knowledge forever. He even posted killjoy angels at the gates: celestial doormen armed with flaming swords to stop anyone sneaking back in. Believe me, loads tried over the years. “God was so mad that he didn’t blame just Adam and Eve, but every unborn generation of humans. Talk about overreaction. Sheez! He didn’t just

give humanity the cold shoulder, he sentenced them all to hell. Yes, to fucking hell. Serious lack of proportion. “Hell, if you don’t already know, is God’s specialist, cosmic BDSM torture chamber, where he carries out the most extreme kinks ever conceived. His greatest delight is pretending to be me. He puts on a Devil mask and tells all his victims that it’s not him (God) punishing them, but the Devil. Why the hell would I torture anyone that hates God? No one hates him more than I fucking do. He’s such a crappy, tedious conservative and white supremacist. We all know he votes Trump.” The Devil chuckled while God, looking absurd in his red MAGA cap, scowled furiously. “I used the opposite strategy from God,” the Devil went on. “I right swiped everyone from the get go. They’re all welcome. Everyone’s a match for me. I provide a universal hook-up. I don’t keep anyone out of paradise. All can come in and party like there’s no tomorrow. I don’t use doormen with fiery swords to keep people out. My doormen push everyone in, then don’t let them back out. You have to party forever!” The Devil turned round and took a moment to enjoy the rage face of God. “I play the numbers game,” he continued after a moment, “and, boy, that has made me the King of Tinder. The number of hook-ups I’ve had is off the scale! I hold the world record. I wouldn’t say that all of my matches are 9s or 10s in the sexy stakes, mostly 1s and 2s to be fair, but, hey, for me it’s all about the quantity, not the quality. It’s about the numbers. “God, by contrast, was a quality-driven guy and ended up with no one. Zero matches. He refused to date anyone imperfect, and that he meant the only person qualified to date him was himself! Way to go, wanker. What was it Woody Allen said? ‘Don’t knock masturbation. It’s sex with someone you love.’ God had unconditional love – for himself. And unconditional hate for everyone else. No one came up to his standards. He was the pickiest person in the universe. He needed everything ‘just so.’ “Anyway, enough of that sad jerk and back to me and my amazing sex life. I particularly love the witches. Easily the best in the sack. And those fucking covens – orgies to die for. The witches, or wiccans as you call them these days, love to perform the osculum obscenum, the obscene kiss. Kiss my ass, in other words! Some serious rimming going on there, let me tell you. They can put a spell on me any time they like. Grrrrr. Mmmmmm.” The Holy Trinity looked as though they were about to vomit, but Harvey Weinstein perked up at last.

Satan took another sip of his drink. “Anyway,” he boomed, “because God the Father didn’t understand Tinder, his son Jesus Christ became sad and depressed. JC had no matches. He wasn’t allowed to interact with humans because they were all tainted with unforgivable sin, and God, as we know, hates cooties. “Jesus moped around, looking at all the Tinder matches on earth, knowing he could never be part of the fun. I mean, look at that guy. He always seems like he’s about to burst into a sermon, and he usually is. He never listens to anyone. He has a boring parable for everything, but doesn’t have a clue how to seduce a beautiful woman. He asks them to wash his feet. WTF! That’s some kinky shit right there, but not in a good way. I once overhead him on a date and his opening line was, ‘Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live.’ True story. Anyway, I quickly snaffled the witch and a good time was had by all. “Eventually, even JC’s dad lost patience with him and told him to commit suicide and become a martyr. ‘Every bleeding-heart liberal snowflake loves a martyr,’ God said. ‘Fucking hippies. … They’ll love YOU, son … you fucking faggot. And get your hair cut. And buy some proper shoes. I’m sick of those sandals.’ “Right, so here’s how Jesus tried to get back in the Tinder game. First, he killed himself – he committed suicide by cop, er by Roman soldier – then came back to read his obituaries – the Bible – the ultimate fake news if you ask me. After that, his big daddy allowed anyone that right-swiped Jesus to be saved from hell. Anyone that left-swiped Jesus was sentenced to hell … AGAIN. Bummer! “This God Squad just don’t get Tinder. You don’t seduce people by sentencing them to hell if they don’t do what you want. “Only total freaks and sanctimonious do-gooders with no sex appeal right-swipe Jesus. They say they have ‘faith’ that he will be a decent date. Fucking dream on! “The main problem for JC was that he had a shit profile, full of weird parables, and holier-than-thou sermons, continually referencing the Ten Commandments. What a downer. I mean everyone these days wants to covet their neighbor’s ass, right? “JC was like some saddo looking for a pity fuck. He banged on about charity, good deeds, care, compassion, forgiveness, and presented himself as the ultimate social justice warrior. Right wingers loathed him, yet loved his

dad. Weirdo cunts. Those guys have serious daddy issues. “Jesus said ‘love your neighbor’ – which right wingers didn’t understand since they all slavishly parrot Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand, which is all about selfishness. They thought that loving your neighbor was some kind of invite to a mass orgy and that JC was the biggest swinger in town. As if! That’s me! Anyway, they mercilessly trolled the degenerate commie, as they invariably do. Serves him right.”

Intro k, so as you now know, I’m the Devil. Pleased to meet you. I’m going to explain the world of Tinder to you so you that don’t fuck up like JC. If you follow his example, you’ll be celibate all your life, just like him. Sad bastard. Want to succeed on Tinder? Follow the example of the best – Me! I’m so seductive that women give themselves to me body … and soul! Yum.

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THE JESUS PROFILE esus’ Tinder profile pic proved highly controversial, with many people flagging it as grotesquely inappropriate. There he was, half naked, hanging on a cross, with a lance through his side and blood dripping onto the ground. It’s true that a few BDSM fans thought he was their kind of guy … until they read his totally vanilla profile, which made them all throw up in their mouths. As for God the Father, he used a picture of a black hole for his Tinder profile pic. He thought it was super cool and trendy, but, to most people, it looked like a completely blank picture, or a failed upload. When people complained, God the Father replied, “Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image, or any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth.” Yeah, WTF! Well, he works in mysterious ways, as he always likes to say. God refuses to take selfies. (He’s such a miserable bastard.) He never replies to any of his matches, which just proves what a creepy fucker he is. Yet he wants all of his matches to pray to him, worship him, and beg for his love, even though he refuses to interact with him. When they finally give up on him and unmatch him, he gets furious and sentences them to hell. He’s the God of overreaction, I’m telling you. This guy just can’t handle rejection. He admits to being a ‘jealous God’ – it’s stated right there in the Bible – and his favorite song is Jealous Guy by John Lennon. (Actually, he prefers the cover version by Roxy Music.) And what about this Holy Ghost character? I mean who wants a match with a ghost? Get a fucking life. Let me just pause for a second to make a Loser sign with my fingers. So, this Holy Ghost is a seriously creepy guy. He uses a picture of the Fat Buddha for his profile pic. Don’t ask me why. Sarcasm, maybe. Or irony? Who knows? He became notorious on Tinder for ghosting all of his matches. In fact, that’s where the expression “ghosting” comes from. The Holy Ghost is always blabbering on about finding his soulmate or

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twin flame and filling people with his divine presence. However, he has developed a sinister reputation on Tinder, of Michael Jackson proportions. No one can prove anything against him, but smoke and fire, and all that. Rumor has it that he knocked-up some 15-year-old Jewish virgin called Mary without her knowledge, who then gave birth to Jesus Christ. A Tinder forum debated whether this constituted rape. If you don’t know the Holy Ghost is fucking you then it’s plainly happening without your consent, so it must be rape. Right?! Others mocked the Holy Ghost’s sexual prowess and said he was the worst lover in the world. No one could remember having sex with him. It was as if it never happened. He left no impression. He was instantly forgettable. Some called him AI – for Artificial Insemination – because he could make you pregnant without sticking his penis in you. The word on the street says that if you get a match with Jesus and arrange a date with him, it’s actually the Holy Ghost that shows up. That guy is seriously spooky. Real stalker type. He rapes you but you don’t know anything actually happened. He’s spiritual Rohypnol. You have no recollection of meeting him, and you simply imagine that Jesus didn’t show up, that he bottled it. Then you show up pregnant with the Messiah in your belly! For God’s sake. Every Christian has been subjected to roofies and they don’t even know it. They get shafted all the time, yet have no clue that their ass has been penetrated so much that people refer to them as, “Your Assholiness.” It was the Holy Spirit that showed ET how to do anal probes. What is it with the anus that so intrigues these creatures? Are they cosmic proctologists, on a galactic tour to inspect fat asses? Jesus is baffled by Tinder. He wants to love his matches, but is strictly celibate. The Holy Ghost does all of Jesus’ fucking for him. Apparently, Jesus calls his penis Lazarus because he has to raise it from the dead. It takes a miracle to get it up. Only torture porn gets him hard. Hostel and Mel Gibson’s The Passion of the Christ are listed in his profile as his favorite movies. He describes his current mood as “sad”. Jesus accused God the Father of being a cock-blocker – thanks to Original Sin and the Ten Commandments – but his dad just called him a silly little virgin who had swallowed too much Cultural Marxism and postmodernism and become sexually ambiguous. God loves Jordan Peterson, his Canadian Public Relations guy.

Jesus now identifies as Intersex, or Non-Binary, or ungendered, or whatever. Yawn. Jesus accused the Holy Ghost of being a useless wingman. No one could even see him, which sort of defeats the point of being a wingman. Every now and again, the Holy Ghost “entered” one of his matches and made them start speaking in tongues, waving their arms in the air like a loon, and rolling around on the ground, before breaking into a painfully tuneless version of Amazing Grace. Christian tossers. Man, they irritate the fuck out of me. Many of Jesus’s problems come from his strange and dysfunctional relationship with his mom. He’s much older than she is, which is weird as fuck. That’s sure to give anyone a complex. In fact, Jesus is eternal. He was begotten by his eternal father outside of time. No mother was involved. What the fuck, you might say, and I sure do. So, Jesus simultaneously has and does not have a mom. He looks younger than his mom but is infinitely older. Head slap! As Jesus managed to work out one day, he is twice born, once from his father and once from his mother, who is only a fraction of his age. You think you’ve got problems?! That guys needs a shrink from some other universe to resolve all of his mommy and daddy issues. Come to think of it, who really is Jesus’ dad? No one is mentioned on his birth certificate. In fact, he doesn’t have a birth certificate. Talk about a Birther conspiracy theory. Why isn’t Trump on the case? Obama has nothing on Jesus. Jesus isn’t American. He’s a Middle Eastern immigrant. Isn’t the Donald supposed to be stopping those cunts with their fanatical religious beliefs from getting into the country? Build the fucking Wall! Keep out Jesus. The paternity of Jesus Christ is one of the biggest scandals in history. There are three suspects, the eternal God the Father, the eternal God the Son, and the eternal God the Holy Ghost. Jesus Christ is supposedly the Son of God (God the Son) … so God the Son ought to be Jesus’ father, i.e. he should be his OWN father. But that’s too weird – how can you be your own father? – and also it would mean he had fucked his own mother, so we can’t have that. Freud, and all that, you understand. And the Catholic Church, if you know what I mean. God the Father can’t be Jesus’ dad because he wouldn’t touch a human with a bargepole. He’s strictly hands off. He’s “transcendent”. He keeps out of the dirty little world. So, Jesus’ dad is the Holy Ghost, even though the Holy Ghost

“proceeded” from God the Father and God the Son, which makes God the Son one of the fathers of God the Holy Ghost. Are you keeping up, you fuckers? For God’s sake! What a mess. God the Father ought to be the real dad of Jesus, but it was the Holy Ghost that fucked the Virgin Mary. Why didn’t God the Son impregnate his own mum and be his own father?! Sheez! It’s theology gone mad. Stick to Devil worship! Much simpler.

THE VIRGIN MARY AND THE HOLY GHOST Virgin Mary gets very few matches on Tinder. Well, she looks like the T heworst fuck in history and insists on proclaiming herself a perpetual virgin – a bad look for a dating site. She cites Lady Gaga as her inspiration. There’s a surprise! Only men who are anima-possessed weirdos right-swipe Mary. They build altars to her and worship her, along with Princes Leia from Star Wars and Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz. Incel dickheads. Apparently, the Virgin Mary made a formal complaint to the police about the Holy Ghost sexually assaulting her, but the police dismissed the case because of lack of evidence, and also the statute of limitations. They thought she had mental health problems. A psychiatrist diagnosed her as having a God complex, or God the Mother complex, to be more exact. The Virgin Mary was infuriated and became an activist for #timesup and #metoo, and started taking part in protest marches against the patriarchy, waving a placard against elderly billionaire pussy grabbers, and so on. Right on, sister. Hey, shouldn’t you be protesting against God the Father, the cosmic patriarch, the source of all patriarchs? Mary also claimed to be a victim of Harvey GODSTEIN, the cosmic version of Harvey Weinstein. Shudder. What’s the deal with this Christian Trinity? It’s a cosmic ménage à trois. Many people insist it should be banned from Tinder. There are three persons in one God, so you select one and the other two show up. That’s a serious no no. Gang bangers are not allowed. The Trinity are totally incestuous. They always hang around together and always think the same thing. They never disagree. That would be against their job description. Where one goes, they all go. You can’t shake off the other two. If a woman wants a relationship with one, she automatically commits the sin of polygamy because the other two are always there too, always along for the ride.

“Tinder is being ruined by the Christian Trinity. The three-in-one gang break every rule. It’s chaos out there. Mistaken identity and identity theft are rife. “There’s a sexual kink called “the Holy Trinity” where a woman has one guy in her mouth, one guy in her ass, and one guy in her vagina. By all accounts, women that vote Trump especially love it. They can’t get enough of it – being shafted by men, being filled to the brim by the patriarchy. And what about the Incarnation? Jesus Christ is two natures in one person – divine and human. What if you wanted a divine fuck but then got a really shitty human fuck? You’d want your money back, wouldn’t you? Jesus sends a divine pic of himself looking all Godlike, then turns up in person dressed as a shabby Jewish rabbi, with dangly strings, and all that. He’s totally paranoid about running into any Italian Americans because he thinks they’re Roman soldiers on vacation. Christ has various dodgy tricks. For example, if someone rejects him, he can “resurrect” their choice, and give the person another chance to select him. His picture keeps popping up. You have until the day you die to swipe right and choose him. Blatant cheating, if you ask me. Is Jesus Christ a captive of God the Father and God the Holy Ghost? Is he suffering from Stockholm Syndrome? He has obviously fallen in love with his kidnappers.

THE TEDIOUS BEAUTIES he way to succeed on Tinder is, as everyone knows, to be a humorless narcissist with no personality because you spend all your time trying to look good and none at all cultivating a brain. You get two beauties together – a bimbo and a himbo – and all you have is a tumbleweed conversation. They don’t know anything, so they have nothing to talk about. Once the vacuous, vapid chat-up lines are exhausted – in five-seconds-flat – what’s left? They have to fuck because there’s nothing else for them to do, except go back to posting selfies and watching videos of cats. Yawn. What a non-life.

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MELANIA AND DONALD see we have Melania Trump here with us tonight. She right swipes everyone and sends messages in every known language, and even unknown ones, saying, “Help me!” One day, the Hostage Rescue Team will arrive to save her. No one should have to endure such suffering. The Donald would love to be on Tinder, but his job kinda gets in the way. Man, what would Bill Clinton have done with Tinder in his heyday?! The candy shop, right?! So, let’s engage in a thought experiment. If the Donald were on Tinder, his profile pic would be of Trump Tower, right?! The Golden Phallus. What would the Donald be looking for? A female beauty in the age range 25-35. He doesn’t like the wrinklies. He nearly threw up every time he looked at Hillary. Since he’s in his seventies, he’d want any gorgeous babes who love a rich old man – the greediest gold diggers. Most gold diggers are 21-30 and are looking for rich men up to 60-years-old. However, the necrophiliac gold diggers go as high as 100, the older the better, really. Their dream is to bag a billionaire just before he croaks, then get half of his loot for hardly putting out at all. Result! You can gauge how the Donald would act on Tinder via his own recorded comments: “I moved on her very heavily. In fact, I took her out furniture shopping. She wanted to get some furniture. I said, ‘I’ll show you where they have some nice furniture.’ “I moved on her like a bitch. But I couldn’t get there. And she was married. Then all of a sudden I see her, she’s now got the big phony tits and everything. She’s totally changed her look. … Whoa! Whoa! … Yeah, that’s her. With the gold. I better use some Tic Tacs just in case I start kissing her. You know, I’m automatically attracted to beautiful – I just start kissing them. It’s like a magnet. Just kiss. I don’t even wait. And when you’re a star, they let you do it. You can do anything. … Grab ’em by the pussy. You can do anything. … Oh, it looks good. … Ooh, nice legs, huh?” Trump, the sleazebag President, beloved by all nationalists and

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evangelical Christians! That’s “morality” for you.

JESUS ome people have a theory that JC is so crap on Tinder because everyone has seen him as a naked baby – you know Christmas, and all that. He’s totally infantilized. You can’t get the image out of your head. He’s totally non-sexual. And then, on top of all that, he’s fucking God! Tough act to live up to, right?! He makes everyone feel inadequate. And he’s a perfectionist into the bargain. You have to be immaculate before he agrees to a date. Hell’s teeth! I pride myself in getting down and dirty. It’s all about the other person, not about me. I remember back in the day I went to hear JC’s Sermon on the Mount. What a snore fest that was! The what now? Can you imagine a Tinder date with that tedious fucker sitting opposite you, drinking green tea and preaching veganism amongst all his other liberal, hippie homilies? Get me outta here, for God’s sake. As the wise woman said, it’s all about cheesecakes and blowjobs. That’s what makes the human world go round. You get to know a person when you’re alone with them. I spent 40 days alone in the desert with that weirdo. Never again! Christ … what a bore he was. I swear that guy’s autistic. He doesn’t understand people. He’s on a totally different wavelength. He can’t communicate. Here’s a way for JC to do better on Tinder. He ought to offer his Transfiguration Service – his divine makeover – to every potential date. Make them all look sublime. They’ll love that. JC is such a bad date. If he took you out on a date to a nice restaurant, he’d keep referring to it as his “Last Supper”. What a downer. He only eats bread and only drinks red wine. If your parents told you never to discuss sex, politics or religion at the dinner table, you’d never be able to have a conversation with JC. The only thing he talks about is religion. God save us! Not any religion, just his religion. He’s fixated on it. It’s all he thinks about. He couldn’t tell you even one thing about Hinduism, Buddhism, Taoism or Satanism. You know what

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my good friend Freddie Nietzsche said: “In heaven, all the interesting people are missing.” The least interesting person in heaven is therefore God, the guy who is always in heaven. Seriously, if you were inviting six people to a dinner party, who in their right mind would want Jesus there? Unless you were a serious ironist. Well, I suppose it might be nice to gawp at him, like a creature in the zoo. Ask him a few unanswerable theological questions and watch him squirm. Go on, ask Jesus what he’s made of. That question infuriates him. He still hasn’t come up with an answer. Never will. Jesus Christ, as you would expect, only dates women from sanctuary cities. Fucking snowflake. If you can’t stand SJWs, don’t go near JC. He’s the uber SJW. I’m the guy to come to if you hate all that shit. I let you speak your mind. I’m all for free speech. Say whatever you like. What do I care? Give them enough rope, is what I say. All roads lead to hell … my hell.

THE DEVIL AND NIETZSCHE riedrich Nietzsche (Freddie to his buddies) wrote, “The true man wants two things: danger and play. For that reason he wants woman, as the most dangerous plaything.” That’s why true man goes on Tinder! Pure danger. The chances of humiliation and rejection are extremely high. If you could see all the people rejecting you, dismissing you out of hand, you’d feel like a piece of shit. They can reject in under a second. They move on after just one glance at you and your profile. That’s all of life right there, just speeded up. These days, you get to the rejection so much faster. In speed dating, the rejection takes three or four minutes. With Tinder, you get about three of four seconds at best before you get the chop, the Big No, the knock back, the hex, the no thank you, the fuck off and die, the “I hope I never see you again.” Nietzsche wrote, “Ah, women. They make the highs higher and the lows more frequent.” That’s a typical man – suspended between romance and total cynicism. So much of male happiness depends on females, who literally don’t have a clue about what men think. They’re like a different fucking species! Nietzsche wrote, “Woman learns to hate to the extent to which her charms decrease.” Hey, pal, pretty women are much worse haters. After all, they can afford to be. There’s always some new sucker waiting round the corner. It’s as a woman’s charms decrease that she learns to love … because her options rapidly run out. Her choices shrink. Eventually, she has to take what she can get. Nietzsche wrote, “Women are quite able to make friends with a man; but to preserve such a friendship – that no doubt requires the assistance of a slight physical antipathy.” How depressing. According to my good buddy Freddie, you can only be friends with a member of the opposite sex that you find a bit ugly, one that doesn’t sexually turn you on. Maybe they should create a new app – the Tinder Friends’ Zone – for all the people you leftswiped. Maybe you could be good buddies with some of them. Nietzsche wrote, “Where neither love nor hatred is in the game, a woman’s game is mediocre.” Very true, Freddie. That’s why he got branded a

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misogynist and banned for life from Tinder. Nietzsche wrote, “Contentment preserves one from catching cold. Has a woman who knew that she was well dressed ever caught a cold? No, not even when she had scarcely a rag on her back. … A beautiful woman seductively dressed will never catch cold no matter how low-cut her gown.” Ah, the cure for the common cold … be a beautiful woman wearing virtually nothing at all. Nietzsche wrote, “Everyone carries within himself an image of womanliness derived from his mother: it is this that determines whether, on the whole, he will revere women, or despise them, or remain generally indifferent to them.” So, if you love your mom, you’ll love women, if you hate your mom, you’ll be a bastard, or gay, and if you’re indifferent to your mom, you’ll be a fan of Hamilton: An American Musical. How the fuck does that show make any sense? It’s like Springtime for Hitler, without the satire. And what about me, Freddie? I don’t even have a mom! That explains a lot, I guess. So, Nietzsche’s internal “image of womanliness” evolved into Jung’s Anima, a man’s unconscious feminine side. No flies on me! Well, apart from the fact that I am the Lord of the Flies. Nietzsche wrote, “In revenge and in love, woman is more barbarous than man.” Tell me about it! The first human I dated was Lilith. She’s still coming after me. Total stalker. Bunny Boiler. You know the sort. Nietzsche wrote, “The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she perpetrates a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, glancing around to see whether anybody notices – and to make sure that somebody notices.” That’s also how she perpetrates her Tinder profile! Nietzsche wrote, “Men have hitherto treated women like birds which have strayed down to them from the heights; as something more delicate, more fragile, more savage, stranger, sweeter, soulful – but as something which has to be caged up so that it shall not fly away.” Those days are long gone. It’s all hardcore porn these days and fully shaved pussies. Nietzsche wrote, “I am afraid that old women are more skeptical in their most secret heart of hearts than any man: they believe in the superficiality of existence as in its essence…” Well, they obviously spent too much time on Tinder. Does anyone still retain any hope at all in humanity, in love and romance, after five seconds on this dreadful platform? Hey, what’s going on? That sounds nothing like the sort of thing I’d say. OK, let’s get back to

normal. Go Tinder! Fuck till you drop, just so long as you don’t right-swipe Jesus. He’s a fucking loser. Speak of the Devil, he’s sitting right behind me, giving me the evil eye. Nietzsche wrote, “Seducing one’s neighbor to a good opinion and then afterwards believing devoutly in this neighbor’s opinion – who can match women in this clever ploy?” Brilliant, huh? Manipulate someone into having a high opinion of you and then go around believing you are awesome because people have such a high opinion of you. Total result. That’s what you call a self-fulfilling prophecy. Nietzsche said, “Woman’s love involves injustice and blindness against everything that she does not love... Woman is not yet capable of friendship: women are still cats and birds. Or at best cows.” A word to the wise … you can certainly think such things, but don’t ever say them out loud, and never put them on your Tinder profile. Sheez. Time’s up. Metoo. Nietzsche wrote, “Out of love, women become entirely what it is that they are in the imaginations of the men who love them.” This is pure genius. If you want to get your man, don’t be yourself, be what he wants you to be! Er, did I just say that out loud? Nietzsche wrote, “Science offends the modesty of all real women. It makes them feel as though it were an attempt to peek under their skin – or, worse yet, under their dress and ornamentation!” OMG! Never look under a woman’s dress – unless you have strict permission, and an airtight legal contract … Harvey Weinstein’s No. 1 Rule of Dating Etiquette. Nietzsche said, “One-half of mankind is weak, typically sick, changeable, inconstant... she needs a religion of weakness that glorifies being weak, loving, and being humble as divine: or better, she makes the strong weak – she rules when she succeeds in overcoming the strong... Woman has always conspired with the types of decadence, the priests, against the ‘powerful’, the ‘strong’, the men.” What does that tell you about women’s Tinder choices? Maybe JC has a chance after all. He’s the ultimate decadent, priestly type. The poor little lamb. Nietzsche said, “When a woman has scholarly inclinations there is usually something wrong with her sexuality.” Harsh, but often true. Nietzsche said, “You are going to women? Do not forget the whip!” Good old Freddie. He loved his BDSM sessions, followed by playing the piano (Wagner, usually). Nietzsche said, “A Don Juan is sent to hell: that is very naive. Has it been

noticed that in heaven all interesting men are missing? Just a hint to girls as to where they can best find their salvation.” If a Tinder girl wants to be “saved”, she should right-swipe Jesus. If she wants to live, to enjoy passion, to meet interesting men, she must left-swipe Jesus and right-swipe me! Nietzsche said, “If one reflects with some consistency, and moreover with a deepened insight into what a ‘great man’ is, no doubt remains that the church sends all ‘great men’ to hell – it fights against all ‘greatness of man.’” The Church hates great men, and me most of all. I was the first to be sent to hell. I was the first interesting man, the first hot-date. Eve, the first woman, was the first to fall for me. After the tedium of Adam and God, I was a revelation to her. She’d do anything for me. I mean anything. I electrified her. I brought her to life. I gave her knowledge of how thrilling life could be. Nietzsche said, “God is dead. God remains dead. And we have killed him.” That was Freddie channeling me. Read his book The Antichrist. Pure Genius. All composed by me, of course. After all, I am the Antichrist. Nietzsche said, “How shall we comfort ourselves, the murderers of all murderers? What was holiest and mightiest of all that the world has yet owned has bled to death under our knives: who will wipe this blood off us? What water is there for us to clean ourselves? What festivals of atonement, what sacred games shall we have to invent? Is not the greatness of this deed too great for us? Must we ourselves not become gods simply to appear worthy of it?” Exactly, Freddie. Once you get rid of God, there’s a vacancy that you yourself can occupy. That was my exact thinking. God is dead, long live God, which is to say ME. Anyway, what did God ever do for us? He gave us lolcats and lolspeak. Jeez!!! Nietzsche wrote, “I ... pronounce my judgment. I condemn Christianity, I bring against the Christian Church the most terrible charge any prosecutor has ever uttered. To me it is the extremest thinkable form of corruption, it has had the will to the ultimate corruption conceivably possible. The Christian Church has left nothing untouched by its depravity, it has made of every value a disvalue, of every truth a lie, of every kind of integrity a vileness of soul. People still dare to talk to me of its ‘humanitarian’ blessings!... it has lived on states of distress, it has created states of distress in order to eternalize itself... The worm of sin, for example: it was only the Church which enriched mankind with this state of distress! ‘Equality of souls before God’, this falsehood, this pretext for the rancune of all the base-minded, this explosive

concept which finally became revolution, modern idea and the principle of the decline of the entire social order, is Christian dynamite... [Christianity is] a conspiracy against health, beauty, well-constitutedness, bravery, intellect … against life itself... “Wherever there are walls I shall inscribe this eternal accusation against Christianity upon them. I can write in letters which make even the blind see... I call Christianity the one great curse, the one intrinsic depravity... I call it the one immortal blemish of mankind...” “And one calculates time from the dies nefastus [unlucky day] on which this fatality arose – from the first day of Christianity! Why not rather from its last? From today?” I know … you’re absolutely right. I should totally make Nietzsche my speechwriter! It was as if he knew my mind and my thoughts were pouring out of him.

THE DEVIL ou don’t want to be caught between the Devil and the deep blue sea. Better to embrace the Devil. Why resist? I’m coming for you, and I get you all in the end. Everyone has their price. As Oscar Wilde said, “I can resist everything except temptation.” I am Temptation. That’s my name and that’s my game. As for JC, he’s the Lord of resisting temptation. Who can be bothered with bores and snores like that? You definitely wouldn’t want them at your party, would you? Christians are the supreme party killers. They destroy the party spirit. They are the Freezers. They freeze all joy and pleasure out of the world. Only the fires of hell can melt what they have frozen, and free your trembling heart. Never forget the finest wine comes from the Devil’s cellar. Come hell or high water, never stop pursuing your dream. Always be the Devil in disguise, unless you actually are the Devil – me! The Devil’s in the detail. I’m a details man, unlike JC. He’s all broad strokes and platitudes. Every man for himself and the Devil take the hindmost. That means the Devil likes ass. I sure do. Do it! For the hell of it. Be full of the Devil, until you need to get the hell out of Dodge. “Get thee behind me Satan,” JC once said to me. As if. I told him to go hell. I always give anybody hell that refuses to give the Devil his due. “Give ‘em hell.” That’s my No. 1 favorite expression. My whole life is based on it. They say, “He who sups with the Devil should use a long spoon.” You know, to keep your distance and all that. I say, you need the longest spoon possible when it comes to Christians. Seriously, keep away from those weirdos. They’re not just bad for your health, they’re also bad for your wealth. They steal the tithe from you. What collection plates go round for the Devil? I never get my due. I do everything for free. They say, “Hear no evil, speak no evil, see no evil.” Well, that’s the end of Tinder then. And social media.

Y

I’m hellbent on having a good time, with a hellcat, preferably. I always go for it, hell for leather. After all, we all know that hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. Are you in league with the Devil? You ought to be. Let me lead you into temptation. That’s my job. Isn’t that why they invented Tinder? I’m the most successful guy on Tinder. I have the luck of the Devil, naturally. Isn’t it time you made a deal with the Devil? You know what they say: needs must when the Devil drives. I’m one hell of a guy, even if I say so myself. It’s time to raise hell, time to raise the Devil, baby! Rot in hell all those miserable Christians and do-gooders. Come on, sell your soul to the Devil. Actually, do people have any souls left? All those botoxed women that stare out from their Tinder profiles look utterly soulless. There’s a serious soul shortage these days. I always play Devil’s advocate. That means I represent myself, of course. Speak of the Devil, there’s JC right behind me, scowling and frowning as always. Cheer up, pal, it might never happen. He’s in his own private hell, right JC? Do you have the neighbors from Hell? I have the opposite problem – neighbors from heaven. Christ. They’re insufferable. Can you imagine: a whole world full of killjoys, always ruining my party. They say, “Tell the truth and shame the Devil.” Why would I be shamed? The Truth shall set you free! No one is more liberated than I am. I’m the guy ruled by No Commandments.

THE DEVIL’S TINDER PROFILE profile says, “The Prince of Darkness seeks his Whore of Babylon.” M yCool, right? Who could resist? I say I have the best tattoo in the world – the Mark of the Beast, accompanied by the Mark of Cain. My profile number is 666. Natch! My nickname is “Legion.” Because I am many (I have loads of fake profiles … if at first you can’t succeed, try, try, and try again). I like to say, “You’ll have the Devil to pay if you don’t right-swipe me. May the Devil take you if you dare to do a left swipe.” My profile is a masterpiece of psychological manipulation. As I always say, “The Devil is in the subliminal details.” After they’ve dated me, my conquests say, “The Devil made me do it.” Well, they’re right about that. JC, that miserable kill-joy, the permanent party-pooper, says, “Keep off the demon drink.” I say, “Enjoy the Devil’s juice as much as you like. Go for it. Give it large.” All the smug do-gooders say, “Money is the root of all evil.” Like hell. If you want to pull the best babes, your Tinder profile has to be dripping with money, with gold. The babes want the finest things in life, and you have to be able to provide them. Mammon is my earthly mask, my public face. I’m a speed demon and I love fast women. No babe can turn down a supercar. Fast cars and fast sex. Don’t drive in the slow lane with JC and all his sober, tedious followers. Those guys still use snail mail, for crying out loud. Have I convinced you yet? Do you have sympathy for the Devil? They say, “Talk of the Devil, and he is bound to appear.” So, go right ahead, all you Tinder beauties. Candyman! Candyman! Candyman! The Devil must look after his own. The road to hell is paved with good intentions, and my intentions are always the best. Have you been to hell and back? I have. It’s great. Hell – a once in a lifetime trip. Don’t miss out. Travel first class. All you

need do is sell me your soul. Best prices guaranteed, and a cast-iron contract that you can never renege on. The Devil always gets his due.

THE HELL-GATE ante said that above the hell-gate was written: “Through me the way to the sorrowful city “Through me the way to eternal pain “Through me the way to the forsaken race “Abandon all hope ye who enter here.” That should be inscribed over Tinder’s home page! Hell … a gate in and no gate out. Once you’re in, no one leaves. Limbo … a gate in and no gate out. Once you’re in, no one leaves. Heaven … a gate in and no gate out. Once you’re in, no one leaves. Purgatory … a gate in and a gate out. Once in, you can leave only one way, to heaven. You can never go back, only forward. Do all four states exist on Tinder? Tinder … a gate in, and no way out. What is Tinder heaven? Where everyone matches perfectly with their soulmate. Like hell! Dates from hell are the much more typical outcome.

D

HELL artre said, “Hell is other people.” Ludwig Wittgenstein said, “Hell isn’t other people. Hell is yourself.” T.S. Eliot said, “What is hell? Hell is oneself. Hell is alone, the other figures in it merely projections. There is nothing to escape from and nothing to escape to. One is always alone.” Obviously, none of these esteemed thinkers was ever on Tinder. Hell, as we all know, is online dating. Hell has had an upgrade. We’re now in the era of Hell 2.0. God sentences the wicked to an eternity on Tinder, the worst punishment imaginable, a world of limitless suffering, of boredom, punctuated by all-too-brief glimpses of hope, soon dashed. Clifton Fadiman said, “For most men life is a search for the proper manila envelope in which to get themselves filed.” For most people life is a search for the best profile with which to get themselves laid. They usually fail miserably. What the Devil? What the hell? What fresh hell is this? This Tinder recurrence – the same old experience over and over again – will keep happening until hell freezes over. You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave. The cosmos is just one vast Tinder application, full of souls looking for their mates, and not succeeding. Story of your life, right?! Listen to the Devil – to me – and then you’ll find the object of all your desires. Martin Luther said, “Few are saved, infinitely more are damned.” That guy definitely understood the Tinder experience! Tinder – like looking into the mouth of hell. Hey, hold on a moment, hell’s where I live. Not so shabby. No one travels the long road to heaven. They’re all crowded on the short path to hell. The gate to heaven is exceptionally narrow. The gate to hell is infinitely expandable. No one is ever turned back. There are no doormen There is no door policy. There is no snobbery. All are welcome. We discriminate against no one. We are the supreme equal opportunities provider.

S

You burn in hell most painfully at the beginning of time. It’s as hot as hell in hell until too many sinners arrive. Their sins have a chilling effect and cool hell down. In Dante’s Inferno – worst book of all time, If I say so myself – I am depicted as being locked in ice in the lowest circle of hell. Well, it’s better than being trapped in cyber space … in the world of social media where no one can hear you scream. Because everyone else is screaming. Edvard Munch painted The Scream after having a premonition of Tinder. Thanks to entropy, cold days in hell will finally arrive. At the end of time, everyone throws snowballs in hell. That’s science! Hell is the heat death of the universe. Tinder is a hell-hole. It’s hell on earth. There’s always hell to pay. Hell yeah! Hell’s bells are always ringing in your ears. You have to run across hell’s half acre to find your match. Remember, a cat in hell’s chance is better than no chance at all. I’m the cosmic cat with infinite lives.

THE DEVIL’S TOP TEN TINDER TIPS ant to boost your success on Tinder? Here are my top ten hits: W 1) Be devilishly attractive. 2) 3) 4) 5) 6) 7) 8)

Be diabolically charismatic. Be hellishly seductive. Be infernally amusing. Be a Devil in the sack. Be a bat out of hell. (Always have high energy.) Always have a Devil-may-care attitude. (Actually, I don’t care.) Always dance with the Devil. (I’m the best dancer because I have all the best tunes.) 9) Give the Devil his due. (I’m due everything!) 10) Above all, have fun. What the hell! Tinder’s a war. Get on the winning side – my side. I am the Devil and I approve this message. Right swipe. You know it makes sense. Fuck Jesus! God, that poor sucker sure needs it. Lighten up, pal.