345 12 54MB
English Pages 420 Year 1990
TARA AND THE BLACK MADONNA
for the
'The heartfelt account of a search feminine face of God. .vivid, vulnerable, and courageous" The New York Times Book Review
—
.
CHINA GALLAND ^
LA / Longing for Darkness
Longing For Darkness joins a venerable tradition of adven-
"Exhilarating
.
ture
that
stories
.
.
take
place
and inner landscapes
outer
the
in
—
multaneously."
"Galland can write beautifully.
.
.
.
si-
San Francisco Chronicle
Iluminating and moving, travel writing
at its best"
—New
Statesman
f
us help
n
selfishly
relieved
for protection
— no
tent,
has only
no food, only what he can
fin
thin coat
along the
Lunch
(Author)
stop.
way or draw
is
given.
Then
there
inspiration. Little
made
dren, so she
this
Dominik, age
is little
six,
from
whom
Dominik's mother was unable to have
Madonna seven
pilgrimage to the
I
chil-
years ago.
She became pregnant and made the pilgrimage the following year during her
last
the pilgrimage sixth year of
month of pregnancy. on August
8,
Little
Dominik was born during
the feast day of
making the pilgrimage, and
Dominic. This
St.
at age six,
he
is
is
his
walking
every bit of the way, very proud of himself.
When
I
see
what other people have
their shoes or physical condition,
own
blisters
become very
small.
Am
can veer so far in that direction, but in the
world,
after days
life is
hard.
of walking
I
am
We
to
and the
with, whether
it's
making,
my
being masochistic? Catholicism
I
I
work
effort they are
don't think
forget.
I
so.
For most people
had no context
discovering that
if
I
just
at first,
make
the
but
initial
LONGING FOR DARKNESS
210
morning to
effort in the
part
is
putting
and
start,
then
don't want to stop.
I
in truth, bearable. Seeing
is,
toll,
I
from everything and everyone
my morning
up
up any
possible to get it
while
we
me
I
know
is
having an
much more
on the
say her mantra
its
isolation
have tried
I
would be im-
it
we
walk, so
me
difficult for
to take
The
effect.
earlier to sit quietly before
I
on.
feel stripped emotionally.
meditations on Tara, but
are walking,
centrated. Afterwards
are contending
expended during the day begins
physical energy
my defenses wear down,
to keep
background
like a
what others
with and the fact that they are contending spurs
The
The hardest
shoes back on in the morning; that hurts. But
few kilometers, the pain becomes
after the first
noise
my
do
I
to stay con-
finger rosary I've
brought from Switzerland.
Today to
make
watch
I
people drop behind the group with Dominik
as
a confession during the day.
to confession.
I
we
munication
want Dominik have
I
have had no thought of going
as a friend; further,
what
little
com-
clouded by our lack of language. Often
is
am we
I
unclear as to what he has understood of the brief conversations
have been able to carry on.
But
as
I
realize that
walk I
most of
a parent,
morning
this
I
see each of
my
all
for having
been an
and
children's faces
have not forgiven myself for mistakes
have
I
alcoholic.
made
The
as
lack of
forgiveness creates an underlying intolerance, a thin, hard rind around
my
heart.
To
forgive
Unable to forgive myself,
means
I
can hardly forgive anyone
to cease to cherish displeasure in another.
not included myself. Further, forgiveness means that willing to give as a victim.
up any version of
The
my
story in
self-righteous anger that
such a position, whether justified or not, myself of to
do
it
this,
I
and to take
is
this.
I
have
have to be
depict myself
I
derive from cultivating
I
poisonous.
full responsibility for
do not know how to do
which
I
else.
my
life.
I
I
have to rid
do not want
Hours of walking
pass, rain
comes and goes, the sorrow deepens, the pain sharpens, and inability to
more
understand how
evident. Finally
I
am
I
my
can forgive myself becomes more and
willing to
do anything
to break through
PILGRIMAGE
THE
ON
dilemma, even talk to Dominik,
this
into this process of forgiveness.
hardness in
heart.
will
I
back behind the
fall
I
my
go to confession
line
think that I want you to hear u Yes?" he says, looking at
we have
in
me
fall
I
assure
my
confession."
puzzled,
knowing what
him
my
in
how
slowest English.
wind gusting
He
hard.
now
when
hearing confession, places
that I
I
fear
He
Dominik's rejection. will tell
man
is
me what
hundred
different.
will tell
must
I
He
anger, the resentments, the pride
my
feet or so,
and
is
so
me
I
cannot receive
He
listens carefully.
and bitterness that rid of.
I
I
words
hears out
would be
tell
him the
alcoholism.
are forgiven, of course.
here between us forgives you. I
around
The wind
us.
believe; but such
done with and have tried unsuccessfully to be
"You
it
have to loan Dominik a wool-knit watchcap. At each
never come. This
story of
up overhead, the
pile
and we begin.
communion. He
my
You must
takes out his purple stole,
are walking behind our group, one
revelation
difficulty
"You must
to forgive oneself.
an equal distance from the next group behind cold
I
confession."
the vestment a priest wears
We
Dominik, and
find
in,
behind the others. Thunderclouds
cool and the
his neck,
my me
about forgiveness, about
help me; please, hear
air is
walking
the weight of
all.
understanding one another.
very simple,"
"It's
We
am
I
feel
after
him. "I want to talk to you about forgiveness, Dominik.
signal to
talk to
have gleaned some insight
can actually
I
my
as a Catholic priest, despite
He must
years of enmity with the Church.
211
I
I
don't forgive you, Christ walking
am
only person,
cannot do such a thing, Christ does
your penance
is
to finish pilgrimage.
The confession has
lasted over
this.
It is
He
I
enough
two hours
am
only human.
understands. Please, difficult."
as
we
struggled to
understand each other. Sometimes Dominik could not understand
me
at all
and
I
had to repeat myself
words. Sometimes
him
closely.
I
again, slower, find different
was not sure he followed
By the time we
finish,
we
me and had to question I
are both exhausted emotion-
LONGING FOR DARKNE
212
ally.
S
has taken great effort and concentration on Dominik's part
It
two
to speak only in English for
me
from
S
hours.
It
has taken a great deal
acknowledge that despite the years and the depths
to
of my rejection of the Church, there are ways in which
am
I
Catholic
still. I
have not had a conversion experience.
Buddhism, yet
it
Catholic too.
don't
correct.
I
the path, to
I
am
fit
anywhere and
way of the
this as
pilgrim
I
hold of different traditions. The
always to walk, no matter what the country
is
knows no boundaries,
on the ground,
Dominik
me
asks
way
the
let
we walk on through
during the afternoon leaves
crosses over the borders.
He
are walking.
Now
lead.
I
me
one must walk,
feel
only begin to understand
time for thought.
to say the rosary with
explains,
it
the afternoon. All the praying in Polish
"You
him over the loudspeaker
Each day the rosary
after confession this afternoon.
Polish.
am
I
for the first time that feels
only the nameless way, and to find
one's feet
a student of
still
not separate from the way. Walking becomes the way
is
or culture. Pilgrimage is
am
walking along a nameless path. This walking creates
weave together the threads that
There
I
wonderfully freeing to acknowledge that
is
say
say 'Hail Mary' for
first
part English,
sung
is
we
we
as
sing rest in
me."
"But, Dominik, no one will understand. People won't like
me
Please don't ask
to
"China, you must. says with his
Can
I
warmest
It
"Hail Mary,
It
I
tell
All the while
good, English. Say for me, please," he
prayer? to
It
has been so
me
of grace, the Lord
women and
"Good.
is
comes back
full
blessed
is
you when to
we
it.
this."
smile.
remember the
said the rosary.
amongst
do
as is
I
years since
I
begin:
with Thee. Blessed
the fruit of say. It's
many
Thy womb,
art
Thou
Jesus."
okay."
are walking, walking. There
is
no end to
walking. Rain begins to splatter us and everyone pulls
up
a
this
hood or
throws on whatever rain gear they have simultaneously and walks on.
The sound of
stiff plastic
crinkling ripples through the
air.
Now hands
Dominik
me
PILGRIMAGE
THE
ON
me
signals
that
it is
213
time to begin the rosary and
the microphone.
"Hail Mary." It is
good to hear the words so
and
clearly
in English.
"Full of grace."
Yes,
I
mean
this,
Mother Mary, hear
my
prayer.
Thou amongst women."
"Blessed art
how great you are, greater than the Church has ever admitted you to be. You are not just the Mother of God, you are God the Mother, know who you are, and am happy to sing your praises, Yes,
I
I
Mary, hear
"And Yes,
my
prayer.
blessed
you
Thy womb,
the fruit of
is
you are a
too, Christ Child,
Jesus."
ripe fruit, raspberry, apple,
plum, something red, something red with blue, a purple stains the
mouth, marks the
lips, is
sweet, fragrant,
you
juicy, tender, soft, inviting to eat. Yes, in truth I
about you.
I
love you.
I
too,
I
full
me
now.
have come
I
of liquid,
can say these things
have always loved you and
had no way to love you. Hear
fruit that
thought
I
all
the
way
to Poland to sing to you. I
hand the microphone back to Dominik to complete the prayer,
"Matka bozska ..." he sings in Polish to the accompaniment of the sisters
on tambourine and
again.
I
can do
these prayers.
this.
What
I
Then he hands me
guitar.
am happy
the microphone
walking next to Dominik singing
better thing to
do
as
we walk under
this
storm-
filled sky. It
we
on during the afternoon and by the time
has rained off and
get to our campsite for the night
it
very muddy.
is
walked over thirty-four kilometers, some say
it
was
ometers because our route was changed at the
last
the sixth consecutive day of walking.
decide to set I
up
my
find a place near Jola
to an
open
see
he can help
if
where
tent
field.
Vesa
me
is
am
up
my
is
bag and
rather than look further. a
narrow lane that
farmyard barn.
my
have
minute. This
stumble with
and Aska along
in the
set
I
I
We
thirty-eight kil-
tent as
I
I
go to
can do
little
find
leads
him
to
more than
LONGING FOR DARKNESS
214
When
walk.
down
look
begins to laugh at me.
what I'm wearing, an ochre
at
a blue scarf fallen
around
and laugh myself.
"I guess
along.
man
step into the barn, a
I
my I
look pretty funny/'
am
I
back to
is
my
him speak Have
hostile.
I
am
I
up
it
With
and
a derisive tone
I
feel
man
this
scalded and turn red. Here
is
havior
is
when two young good
one
English,
is,
me
find
What am
I
to
make of
be crying?
duck into
I
Jola
cannot stop.
must be exhausted. and Aska's tent to
Two men
as
man who
a second
is
sarcastic
and
polite
friendly. This be-
know
I
so
this?
begin to cry,
I
water
he has been watching
completely out of character with the pilgrims
Tears well up and
I
dumping the
have walked with or had any
I
form of communication with has been
I
in very
asked Darek, one of the young Scouts, to help
and unfriendly. Until now, everyone
far.
am me
I
turn quickly and go
I
standing by a corn field
we've walked past farms. Whoever
me.
distincdy
is
"Water, please, Darek, water, water," openly mocking the times
says, I've
past.
good
alone.
tent stakes out of the tent bag onto the ground,
men walk
in very
has never spoken to
seen him before?
tent site to begin to set
Five minutes later
He
English.
go
say, trying to
and
cut to the quick, embarrassed, and feel foolish.
surprised to hear
before and
I
sinister
"You don't know how funny." He
English he says,
a skirt,
neck, tennis shoes and gray leggings,
The man's tone suddenly becomes
unfriendly.
poncho over
rain
I
I
I
can't stop myself.
know
don't
Why should
what's happening.
try to get hold of myself, but
were rude to me,
is
I
still
that any reason to
fall
apart?
"Please stop crying, says, but
I
we
so far in one day as sion
can't bear to see
how
hard
I
you so sad try.
I
like this," Jola
have never walked
have today. Having Dominik hear
my
deepened the intensity of the day beyond the sheer
of the experience.
hidden inside that I
I
cannot, no matter
I
I
was able to speak
him of the sadness
had over leaving the Church twenty years
had never spoken of
physically
fully to
confes-
physicality
this,
nor even recognized
it
before.
I
ago.
am raw
and emotionally.
i
i
•
1
1
1
1
"You must
ON
THE
tell
me who
'That's absurd! they're feeling? likes
PILGRIMAGE
They may
Everybody
two men
these
are," she says.
going to
me
like
.
who knows how
have been tired too,
isn't
215
and not everyone
Americans. In some countries people are rude to you simply
many Poles make something
because you're an American. I've been spoiled because so
Americans. There's nothing to
like
out of
don't want to
it. I
I'm just exhausted."
it,
"No, you don't understand, you must "Jola,
telling
me," she
tell
you who they
says insistently.
are.
I
don't
know
would have to go find them, point them out, that would make matters worse. And then you would scold them. That's
myself.
only
wouldn't think of
I
I
absurd, don't you see?
won't do
it
tonight
If
when
Jola refuses to accept
crouched inside the
little
"China, you must speak to you like
tell
I'm so
my
to be said,
is
me who
it
was.
Why
I
is
not right that they
It is
says.
telling
you."
me," he
to
says with
in his voice.
Worn
"No. Can't you understand, I'm just exhausted? nothing.
and
tent as well.
"You must, you must point them out unexpected authority
it,
upset."
answer. She gets Dominik. Soon he
wouldn't think of
I
will say
I
worn down and
you are our guest," he
this,
"No, Dominik.
anything
won't you stop talking about
this?
It
out.
It's
nothing,
is
nothing!"
"China, is.
We
we
think
is
maybe
secret police.
cannot have them in our group.
and have
it
checked.
things, they drink, they
My The
make
stay at or in the villages.
Please, point
them out
heart sinks.
secret police.
A
We
must know who
it
will ask for identification
We cannot allow this. They always make trouble.
They spy on people. They are rude, they
we
I
to
pilgrims
We
— how you — say?
unwelcome
know
break up
again at the farm
they are on the pilgrimage.
me."
When Dominik
says this,
whirlpool of feeling sucks
me, washing over me, leaving
me
without
air.
I
crumple up
me down, I
is
inside.
drowning
gasp for a breath the
second I'm tossed up to the surface of these feelings again, then
LONGING FOR DARKNESS
216
down
I
am
down,
pulled,
remain calm, yet
of mind, gone, and left alone.
back to me.
The
is
am
there
me
and then
over, will they arrest
letting me know when am alone and the me? What for? I do not remember later,
I
am
I
at this
course, Dominik, the secret police,"
moment. repeat as Jola and
I
They
that they might be the secret police.
them out
over
have ignored come
I
never occurred
"It
are not
seen with our group before. They are strangers. Yes, point
me
do they work? Were they only
Dominik's insistence suddenly becomes reasonable. to
nothing to do but
is
fear. It takes
secret police. All the warnings
How
ever having been as frightened as
"Of
know
I
devoured by
I
that they are watching
pilgrimage
I
my life from me, my wit, my humor, my presence am left feeling like a child crying, terrified to
completely, stealing
be
tossed.
cannot.
I
to you.
I
I
men
I
have
will try to
understand."
"China, you must not travel alone after the pilgrimage like
You
are safe as long as
you must come to
me
this.
you are with us on the pilgrimage, but then in
Warsaw,"
Jola says, 'it's just
my
parents
and me.
We
have a very small apartment, but you are welcome. Tell
me you
will
come."
Go
"Yes, China, please, not be alone like this after pilgrimage. to Jola,"
"But
Dominik I
one night,
says, "is better."
have plans to go to Lublin and Krakow. Jola.
I
will
come, once
I
get back to
beginning to calm down. "I promise to
thank you."
It is
the secret police.
was something
Now sent for.
a strange relief to
To me
that
head,
heavy set woman,
me
as
soon
that these
as
I
I
for say,
return,
men might
be
that I'm not crazy, that there
to
chew two
woman, whom Dominik
has
she lowers herself slowly into the tent if
pilgrims are, but fortunately tells
you
come
sinister in the interchange.
while asking cheerfully in Polish
Many
know
means
the doctor comes, an older
A
call
will
I
Warsaw,"
I
I
am constipated, Jola explains. am not. She pats me on the
tablets of valerian root, drink juice,
and
rest.
"Come
with me, you need hot food,
we
will
go to
priests' table
now,"
says
Dominik.
in the
is still
my hand Hot
PILGRIMAGE
THE
ON
"When we walk to the house, see if the man me which one. Come," he says, taking me up to my feet outside the tent.
barn and say to
and pulling
hot soup, a plate
tea,
of meat and potatoes, served
full
me down
generously by the mistress of the farm, help calm
Not yet ready
for sleep,
I
woman's knee who took
a
I
my
walk back to
go with Aska bad
after dinner to
today.
fall
moon
is
rising.
watch
I
heights, it
rises
enormous moon
this
thin at the top, taut
and
full at
here but
enormously
is
my own
sense or will
over the countryside. at three separate
a pale
moon
fearful,
painful.
even though there
be invisible, or will
I
trust
as
whether with good
all
my own
me my own
have nothing to guide
I
the warnings
good reason? Will
is
golden egg
like this, stretched
intuitive response to people. Will
be tormented by
I
its
the bottom like an egg.
have a decision to make. Being
I
is
rise full
fields
overlooking the corn
rail
have never seen a
I
bandage a
ten o'clock.
stopped, held by
making the moon take on the shape of
up through them.
reason or not,
late,
and drawn out across the horizon
thin
lie
am
I
extravagant beauty. Standing by the fence fields
grows
It
further.
now, down toward the lower
tent alone
from the barnyard. The
The clouds
217
I
I
trust
have been given,
withdraw from people now,
I
sense of
who
is
friendly
and
who
not? It
has been an extraordinary day.
of Geshe
moment and
Champa
feels like a blessing, protection.
circle are
covering
me
this
Is
moon
Far across the field a bonfire
going on. Laughter and music
like a
trust, a different
the dragon's egg
Lodro's Tibetan tale? Seeing the moonrise in this
blanket as
I
lie
down
kind of reason, and
fall
drift across the field,
inside
my
tent.
I
choose
asleep content.
August 12, 1987. I
see one of the
men we
suspected as the secret police
this
morning,
walking quickly past our group, disappearing into the crowd ahead.
He
is
gone by the time
I
find
Dominik
to point
him
out.
The other
LONGING FOR DARKNESS
218
man
has disappeared from our group as well, confirming Dominik's
were
sense that they
They vanish and
secret police.
are not seen in
our group again.
The energy continues into the countryside. place, rather than a
A
deeper and deeper
kind of cleansing and toughening up
wearing down.
days of walking rather than I
we walk
to build as
have the sense that
I
We
taking
is
have more energy after the
less.
am putting together some enormous
puzzle:
Poland, India, Nepal, Switzerland, France, each place representing an
enormous journey out of which piece.
It
good
is
to be
on
I
foot,
am
more
able to glean one
small
walking briskly instead of flying
through time, geography, cultures, hurtling across oceans, mountain ranges.
The countryside begins
and
to roll
dip, beautifully
shaped into
simple rectangles of green, brown, black, and gold.
Midnight, turning into the thirteenth of August. Soon
Czestochowa. The
moon
is full still,
bonfire.
in the
Bosom
more
are
Dominik keeps of
his
round vest,
is
who
start
with a
a larger circle.
and run into the
I
circle
jump
circle,
bare
faster,
Soon we momentum
feet.
the
up and carried as
up, throw off
my
putting
in
my
and out of our join
in.
The next
boots, socks,
grass fire
is
down
cold and wet on
to the music going
which now begins
The
There
arms on the next person's
The
are circling around the
line
Soul
a handful
fire.
of our circle stronger and stronger,
more and more people
My
guitars, har-
Dominik and
dance around the
shoulders for a traditional folk dance.
my
it is
on
We
have a circle
in his thick Polish accent.
duets, solo performances, instrumental
monica. Then the dancing begins. First of others
we
promise and sings "Rock
Abraham" with me
reach
the night brilliant and cold.
walked over twenty-five kilometers today. Tonight
and
we
circle
I
am
lifted
to reel crazily
grows, the laughter
we are bumping into an even larger circle. as we go faster and faster around the bonfire.
grows, and soon
We get and
all,
I
hot
am
dancing, singing,
circle casts a trance,
we
arm
in
Blisters
arm, the energy grows, the
are whirling, burning
up the
night,
still
the
circle
PILGRIMAGE
THE
ON
grows, the music plays even
energy the dancing takes dissolving into laughter,
the circle break open,
After the bonfire
is
faster.
more than
I
The concentration and
can keep up and soon
we
cannot stop laughing,
I
apart,
falls
we
219
are
all
down,
are falling,
I
am
laughing,
it is
over.
walk back to the campsite with Kriezek with
I
whom I've shared my camera as weVe walked. We stop to photograph the
moon. Placing the camera on
a
low fence, we take turns holding
our breath for the timed exposures with the hope of catching the
moon and I
want to keep,
moon and
But
stars streaking across the sky. it's
the night, the dance, the
it's
not the
mood, the
moon
that
singing, the
warmth of the fire, the cold wet grass on my feet, the sense of belonging, drawn around me like a shawl that together we have all woven of song. stars,
the laughter, the
the
chill in
the
air,
August 13, 1987. Jola brings a
young
woman
to
me who
not well. "She speaks no
is
you
English," Jola explains, "but she wants to ask
very sick, diabetes. She help, but she cannot get
them here
for help. She
is
There are drops that can
losing her sight.
is
in Poland. It
is
very
difficult.
She
wants you to get the eyedrops. Also she wants to be able to give herself the shots she needs, but
it
is
very difficult for her to get
needles and syringes. She cannot get disposable needles. Will you
help her?"
My
heart leaps to
my
throat. This
woman
twenty-one, and clearly unwell. Her skin to help, but "Jola, I
will
if
I
my
daughter's age,
I
may
what she needs, what
won't be back take
I
I
if it
want
may be
of no help at
some time
another three weeks as
to find a doctor It
States.
all.
What
doesn't get through to her
in the States for
medication and syringes she needs. Poland.
I
I?
you must explain to her that
can't get
It
can
is
a sallow yellow.
have to send medical supplies from the United
in time? is.
how
is
takes
have no idea what this will cost.
who would weeks
What
give
me
it
the
for mail to get to
she
is
asking
is
not
LONGING FOR DARKNESS
220
so easy, but
before
and
risky It
will
I
do what
go back to the
I
can. Perhaps
I
But she must understand that
States.
a very complicated
may not work. She must
can find help in London
I
this
is
way of getting
the medicine she needs.
try to get
medicine for herself in
still
Poland." Jola explains this to her. "Yes, she understands. She
you
She has been very
will try.
See, she
is
grimage.
It is
She
losing her sight rapidly.
is
getting yellow even. She has been very sick
very difficult for her, but she wanted to
The doctors give her so
Madonna
ill.
hope. She
little
happy that
is
on the
pil-
come anyway.
counting on the Black
is
to help her."
August 14, 1987.
The sky grows cloudy and the unpredictable. a
until nightfall.
we
the day
is
a cold, beautiful
is
no
for washing.
cool and will change half
arrive in Czestochowa.
day with
line at the I
a hint of the
outhouse and
sisters
full
and on
sprinkles off
and the
am
I
lucky and return to
feel
yellow dishpan of Jola's
of
all
warm
shift
from dry to
when we
After only are to
arrive at the
I
waken
warmth
am up
to come.
an hour
able to find
my
6:00 a.m.
at
We
early.
warm water borrowed
tent with a
water.
We
morning.
weave, braid and
I
tie a
stop and
Dominik
start.
cross together out of sheaves
of wheat and bunches of red gladiolas that
afternoon
We
moody,
Few people seem prepared
have only eleven kilometers to walk today.
It
is
begins to sprinkle again.
It
This
There
The weather
chill.
temperature and the frequent
for the variation in
It is
turns
The day can begin warm or
dozen times from then
wet.
air
we
will present this
Monastery of Jasna Gora.
two kilometers we stop
ceremony.
in a clearing for a
go up to anyone that we might have offended or hurt
in
any way during the pilgrimage and apologize, saying "Przepraszam,"
which means "I'm
sorry, please forgive
done to hurt you."
We
me
for anything
I
may have
walk from one to another, saying "Prze-
PILGRIMAGE
THE
ON
praszam," kissing three times
on
the traditional Polish manner.
powerful
As
act.
Saving "I'm sorry"
connected to more of these people than
whom
comes up
aloofness
with
had wanted contact but
I
whom
After
I
we
had
me and
crowds
we
whom
realize that
I
whom
says "Przepraszam."
ceremonv we
I
I
am
I
had sensed an
I
find a
voung man
still
must wait before
We
last
nine kilometers to Czestochowa.
will
be enormous and that our mass will be held
2:00 a.m. in the chapel. This will be a long, Finally
simple and
impatient, say "Przepraszam," and feel cleansed.
felt
are through with the
proceeding the that the
to
a
in
had thought. Someone
I
in
is
most of
to person,
have been unable to speak with the entire time,
with
and embracing
alternate cheeks
move from person
I
221
are told at
full dav.
begin walking again, greatly slowed as nearly a million
pilgrims are converging
from
all
over Poland today.
It
begins to rain
we walk slowly past the fields in harvest. As we crest the next hill we see Czestochowa below, belching enormous black billows of smoke from industrial furnaces. Suddenlv we are walking back into civilization and heaw industrial pollution. We stop before going further. The Scouts make a person-bv-person count of the members of our group. Darek tells us that we are to walk ten abreast and to again as
stay in the lines we're in
be enormous and
is
it
Immediatelv fear
all
once we've been counted. The crowds too easv to get
arises again.
I
lost.
remember
being arrested for taking photographs
last
will
the storv of Westerners
vear in Czestochowa.
One
can hardly photograph the crowd or the monasters without getting a picture of the
outlawed Solidaritv banners. Thev are evervwhere,
carried openlv by large for the
manv
of the groups.
government to be
Though
the pilgrimage
able to stop everyone
from
is
too
flving the
banner, the authorities clearly don't want the outside world to see
how
alive Solidarity
is still
within Poland. The authorities would have
you believe that Solidarity has been eclipsed. The disdain of the Poles for the authorities
is
Solidarity's strength I
am
afraid of
is
strong, their dislike of the Russians palpable.
evident evervwhere on the pilgrimage.
becoming separated from the group
in this
enor-
Solidarity
banner and the Polish jlag. (Author)
We
mous crowd.
seem to be preparing
for a tidal
wave the way the
Scouts are lining us up ten abreast and being so insistent about staying together. Their
sudden
strictness only escalates the anxiety.
the end of a line in the back.
middle of our group just as
I
we
begin the long walk
down
the
end of
We
last
at
lies
at
are in the city with a million pilgrims, as
well as several thousand of the population turned out to
cheer us these
am
the main
boulevard into Czestochowa. The Monastery of Jasna Gora this walk.
I
break away to find Dominik in the
three miles.
have never been
I
in a
watch or
crowd
this
size.
"What
do, where would lose you? What should What would say?" ask Dominik.
if
to find you?
I
I
I
I
go to
try
I
"China, say the rosary with me, please?" he responds, smiling, ignoring
all
my
questions.
have a choice: hide myself
I
fear or accept
To speak
in the
Dominik's invitation and trust that nothing
Czestochowa with police everywhere
into
night not to do,
last
now
so obvious. But
do anything than
what
precisely
is
makes
my
happen.
are walking
was
I
being a Westerner I
would rather
hold sway. right."
all
in the line
fall
it
will
we
find the fear so painful that
I
let it
"Yes, Dominik, I
223
crowd and be devoured by
English over the public-address system as
reminded again
next to him on
my
right, a
young boy on
my
the sisters with their guitars and the singers just behind me.
left,
have
my
PILGRIMAGE
THE
ON
my
tiny
wooden
which
finger rosary, ten beads long,
thumb, from Einsiedeln. Dominik has
he wears looped over his wide leather
crophone and nods for
me
to begin.
I
his long
am
still
flustered at
I
over
brown beads
He hands me
belt.
fits
that
the mi-
and
first
say softly:
"Hail Mary, Yes,
I
am
"The Lord
With each
is
am
comfortable, this
down I am a little less Thou amongst women."
blessed
the fruit of
is
My voice grows cisely
more
is
right.
with Thee."
walking into a state of
"And afraid,
of grace."
step
"Blessed art I
full
already
afraid
and
I
speak louder.
I
am no
trust.
Thy womb,
calm and stronger
still,
Jesus."
and soon
but happy. Exposed and vulnerable, paradoxically
where
safety
lies.
The
rain
stare, others
last
two
wave and
A woman
pilgrim from Russian-occupied Estonia hands
out because
I
am from
you must take
we have It
rose.
it."
I
just signed
takes us
all
pre-
kilometers.
Many we go by.
smile.
have brought flowers and thrust them into our hands as
long-stemmed red
is
comes down harder.
People line the boulevard in the city for the
Some have no expression and only
this
longer
me
a single
She speaks no English, but has sought the West, Aska explains. "It
is
me
her offering,
give her a red carnation in return, feeling that
an international peace
afternoon to walk these
treaty. last kilometers.
We
are
LONGING FOR DARKNESS
224
slowed down, often to a stop, by the sheer numbers of pilgrims have to funnel
we now
down
one
street. Finally, at the
see ahead, each line of ten pilgrims
a full prostration
At the
We
this
bow
as they step
last intersection
make
their
more
to allow the group in front of
bow. The sky
is
walk, the church it
is
we
will enter
we
inch forward,
church along the path
we
empty-handed.
our turn. Crowds of people press along the edge of
our path. The way broadens as
monastery
as
bright red, yellow, blue, white flowers, roses, gladiolas,
carnations. Flowers are offered outside the
Now
gray and drizzling. There
way now
are flowers everywhere lining our
mounds of
stopping and making
onto the monastery grounds.
before the monastery, the lines separate.
stay behind thirty paces or
us to stop and
is
who
monastery which
The
walls.
we
reach the open
Solidarity banners are
below the
field
everywhere draped across
the walls beneath a huge copy of the painting of the Black Madonna.
Her
portrait
between two halves of the Polish
set
is
above the sea of pilgrims. full
making
The earth
Up on
towering
We kneel down on the wet ground, stretch
length, hands
out our bodies a cross.
eagle,
is
and arms extended, each of us
cold,
wet and
gritty
on
my
forehead.
we begin moving to the left through the first we must enter before reaching the inside of the monastery walls. The lines are broken now and people are packed tighdy as we begin to move toward the narrow gate. our feet again,
of three gates that
The sky blackens suddenly and the wind comes up with a blast. A storm threatens as we inch our way along. The closer we get to the gate, the tighter the
am overpowered
crowd
gets
and the
faster
by the crowd and carried along
it
moves. Soon
like a leaf
on
I
a
stream through the narrow gate, then quickly the pressure subsides as
soon as
we
pass through the portal.
Then
a second gate, a third,
and with each the compression which takes
my
moment; then we
The storm breaks and
rain pours
down on
Inside the
move
are inside the courtyard.
along.
breath away for a
us.
monastery walls people are crammed, hardly able to
How
will
I
ever find Jadwiga in this crowd?
Then
I
see
her, there she
PILGRIMAGE
THE
ON
standing out in this rain, waving a bouquet of red
is,
carnations for me, by the door of the pass.
I
break out of the line and
big hug. "I
"you did
am
it!
museum
make my way
that
after
you go
to concentrate
seems to be remaining upright. There
is
me
on
my
a final
in a
Black
are inside
Madonna
and
at the far
still
we
breath away.
push and
my
can barely move.
I
I
this size
am swept
strength.
can see the
end of the chapel. There are no pews
outer chapel, and only a few behind the
this
the flowers,
crowd
over the threshold, carried by an energy far beyond
Now we
soon
will
inside the chapel."
to the church, like the gates, takes
The most important thing
we
to her, giving her a
so proud of you," she says, handing
Meet me here
The entry
225
grill
work
in
that separates
the shrine proper from the rest of the church, in the tiny chapel of the Virgin. There
a solid sea of people,
is
some kneeling on
floor,
others just standing, others, like myself, trying to
it all.
Slowly
we move
our way around the
closer to the icon, step by step, finally winding
side,
then behind the
altar
other side, only able to catch glimpses of the
One cannot
past.
the stone
move through
and back down the
Madonna
as
we walk
stop at this point, there are thousands and thousands
of people behind us, waiting out in the rain, miles of pilgrims arriving, kneeling,
am
I
bowing, passing through the gates, one, two, three.
grateful that
Madonna and look
I
have had a chance to stand here before the at
her before the pilgrimage began. She
mysterious, unmoved. There her.
still
is
so
much
is
so
tumult and feeling around
Amulets, jewels, the necklaces of amber and coral,
silver, rosaries,
crutches, medallions hang throughout the larger chapel and line the walls to testify to the healing in I
this Virgin.
her silver and jewels, set into the black
cannot begin to fathom
We for
power of
this image.
I
altar.
And
She
is
stunning
yet so remote!
walk outside to find Jadwiga.
make our way through a huge parking lot full of lorries looking the sign Group 15, zloty, in the driver's window. We find my
bags,
and drive home to Jadwiga's. There she has hot food waiting,
Arrival
of the pilgrimage, "My Chcemy Boga" ("We Want God"),
Jasna Gora Monastery, Czestochowa. (Adam Bujak)
Detail of icon
of the Black Madonna, Our Lady
of Czestochowa.
PILGRIMAGE
THE
ON
plates of pork slices, potatoes, cabbage,
her garden.
am u
You must
me what
take a bath, the
eat," she insists.
women
the subject of tells
I
of excitement and
still full
tomatoes and cucumbers from
hot water. Luxury!
tea,
wash and
into the I
Hot
229
We
first in
put
my
dirty clothes
Though exhausted,
days.
talk.
A
devout Catholic, when
known
a friend of hers, a professor
I
bring
up
her shoulders. Then she
priests, she shrugs
for her independent
thinking, says. u
Why not have women priests? How is a grown woman to confess
man who
to a
completely taken care
is
no money to earn?
raise,
If
men
the
says, they should bear a child and then
friend told her.
who
of,
are so like
has no children to
God,
we would
like the
Church
believe them," her
could hardly stop laughing.
I
We stay up talking until nearly ten o'clock, when Jadwiga reminds me
that
all
must get some
I
me
to get
sleep.
through the night and ours
group train,
I
will
wake me up
will
is
at 2:00 a.m.
Many
Both Jadwiga and
overslept, there's
I
oversleep. She runs into
my room
thirty at the pilgrim's
from
I
I
had agreed to meet Aska and
my
at ten
have both clothes
on
Jola at one-
house and walk with them through the crowds
there.
race off to the church, one headlight out
dark. She insists
we
no time to do anything but get your
and get into the car."
to the chapel
people in
not see them again.
minutes of two to wake me, saying, "Hurry, hurry,
We
at 1:00 a.m.
from the monastery back to Warsaw on the next
will leave
so
She
back to the church for our group's mass. Masses go on
on taking
me
on the
car, in the
into the monastery courtyard,
where
be almost at the door. Inside, in a blur of exhaustion and
will
make my way into the chapel where our mass will have already started. The church is packed so tightly, I don't know how I will get through the crowd to the tiny chapel in the front where drizzle,
mass
is
I
going on.
"Przepraszam"
me,
as
I
inch
I
say, softly
my way
over and over, "Przepraszam," excuse
toward the
front.
I
see
no one who looks
LONGING FOR DARKNESS
230
familiar.
When
having mass,
my way
get to the chapel,
I
see a different
I
not 15, Gold!
15, Blue,
it is
Where
my
back into the sacristy and pointing to
alternately to the chapel,
young
say to a
I
Dominik?" He understands, and
group there
everyone?
is
priest, "Zloty?
Gold? Father
and
me
that
the time of the mass has been changed for
and wait. sit
I
I
He
indicates that our
and wait and
still
make
after complicated sign language
an occasional word here and there, he manages to convey to
sit
I
watch and then
no one
mass
my
group, that
should
will begin at 3:00 a.m.
know comes. Something
I
I
is
wrong.
go back out into the night and walk over to the pilgrim's house
across the road to try to find Jola
know and no one who
and Aska. But
can find no one
I
Though people seem to understand that am looking for Father Dominik's group, Group 1 5, zloty, cannot understand their replies. I grow increasingly agitated. It's now two forty-five, so go back to the church. How can I have I
speaks English.
I
I
I
come
so far with
everyone, at the
these people only to lose them,
all
last
moment
like this?
what. Back in the main part of the church the crowd, but there
What I
is still
go back
English. If
I
not a single person
How
has happened?
I
someone who speaks start at 3:00 a.m.,
now
then Dominik or George will be in the sacristy by their vestments for mass, but they are not there.
No. No. Finally one
knows
now
English,
who
and ask them
man
almost 3:00 a.m.
I
by the door waiting as
my my me
if
have I've
lost
been
family, barely able to hold
they understand English. No.
sacristy shortly.
them, every one! told, feeling as
back
comes who speaks
predicament, then
we
tells
him again
find the priest in Polish.
"Ah, Father Dominik's group,
I
I
We sit in
though
I
wait.
who It is
the chair
have
lost
tears.
Finally the friend
and he
putting on
walk up to each
I
nods, indicating that he has a friend
coming to the
is
strangers.
could our entire group disappear?
into the sacristy, to try to find
that enters
of them,
walk slowly through
know, only
our mass had been changed and was to
new person
all
have to find them, no matter
I
English.
who
It is
I
explain to
him
has been trying to help
just after three.
know. They must be
in St. Paul's
Chapel. Their mass
monastery.
The
is
priest takes
to the back, in
not in
me
Paul's," the
by the hand out of the
where
one
off to I
step inside just as
No
translates
from
Polish.
sacristy into the large
side,
behind a black iron
grill
work
see Darek, Jola, Kriezek, Valdek, another
Scout, Aska, the sisters, our group! I
man
the chapel, past numerous side altars and clear
another chapel,
of the mass.
23[
chapel or even in this part of the
this
We must go to St.
basilica that adjoins
doorway
PILGRIMAGE
THE
ON
Dominik
They swing open the door and
giving the final blessing at the end
is
Home.
one leaves though mass
over.
is
One
of the
sisters picks
up
the guitar and begins to play a song from our walk. After the song,
A woman whose presence had sensed all along and whose smile always cheered me comes up to say goodbye. do not know her name, nor many of the others who say goodbye, know these people so well. This woman with the curly and yet blond hair and radiant smile who embraces me now is crying, as we
goodbye.
start to say
I
I
I
I
am. Every night she would set up her tent near me. Every morning she would smile at
me
warmly. She encouraged
me
in
wordless ways.
She would share some of her traditional Polish food, made by her mother. The
first
time
bardzo dziekuje!"
I
said the rosary in English with
came up
the loudspeaker, she
to
me
Dominik over
afterwards and said, "Dziekuje,
Thank you, thank you very much. Much of my
warmth of her Though we had no language of words with which to communicate, we have communicated a great deal. discomfort about being a foreigner dissolved in the response.
Now we
are at the end, standing here in this chapel, laughing
and crying, saying goodbye
in a language
do you say goodbye to someone with all
facades?
left
The
intensity of the walking has
us transparent.
whom from
I
have had
this place. If
singing
and praying
I
am
How
you have stripped away
broken down
all
pretense,
grief-stricken to leave these people with
this experience,
only
can't understand.
I
whom
more of
for days
whom
I
have seen in
this
way,
us could walk with one another,
and days,
if
toward the end, and say "Przepraszam,"
more of us could "I
am
stop, there,
sorry, please forgive
LONGING FOR DARKNESS
232
me
for anything
of us could
sit
have done to hurt you," "I
I
around the
fire at
so sorry,"
if
more
if
more
of us could bring each other flowers, just walking,
am
night singing and dancing, let
our care show, be known,
day after day, under the moon, the sun,
in the
wind,
the rain, the heat, the cold, at harvest time, by the water, through
the forests, sandy-floored,
mushrooms growing,
past the red holly-
hocks, pink gladiolas, red carnations, purple and white cosmos in the
garden, the clippety-clop of a horse-drawn
under the blue bowl of the sky, crow
wagon along the road hawk diving, people
calling,
waving, some only staring, the land rising now, rolling so gently, past the gold of the
wheat being cut
softly,
ever
for the harvest, past
the long green rectangles of farmland, plowed by hand, next to black,
and gold the wheat, the heavy horses pulling a load of hay green and sweet, the love,
can you smell
Our name
my
is
Group
15, Zloty,
I
Number
am
Group
15, Gold.
I
carry a note in Polish in
lost that says, "Please return this
15, Gold. Father
me again, me to the
me. Find them for
take
of strangers, lead
place
they too will be relieved, as only
new-mown
golden and thick with the honey of
it?
Gold,
pocket in case
air
I
me
to
Dominik." Please return
by the hand through a crowd
where they
are gathered,
am, to find out that
more of us could be found.
woman
I
am
not
where lost. If
After the Pilgrimage Krakow, Poland
True prayer and love are really learned in the hour when prayer
becomes impossible and your heart turns
to stone.
—Thomas
Merton'
Krakow, Poland August 1987
Afterwards, Dominik, Vesa, and standing in
made our way by
train to
in
Krakow, and Vesa and
I
were invited
him once he had been given permission to have us medieval
city. It is
are lucky to have all
for the
him
as
Dominik's favorite
our guide.
We
II.
city in
tour
the kings and queens of Poland were
to
come with
as guests.
Krakow was not bombed during World War intact
Krakow,
from Czestochowa. Dominik wanted to go to the Pauline
several hours
monastery
I
the crowded narrow corridor of the railway car
It
stands, an
Poland and
Wawel
Castle
crowned and
lie
where buried,
Wawel, which the Indian legend holds would be one of the two places to be St.
of
when
Mary's with
Mary
its
the world
is
destroyed.
We
Market Square with
we
its
safe
go to the Church of
rare altarpiece, a triptych, that portrays the
in sculpture,
we
life
have coffees and sweet cakes at the old
fourteenth-century clocktower. Vesa brings 233
LONGING FOR DARKNESS
234
up the subject of Auschwitz over dinner that night
after the
day of
sightseeing.
"How
far
away
are the camps?" he asks Dominik.
"Half a day by train," he
replies,
"but only a
little
more than an
hour by car."
"Then we can
hire a taxi," Vesa said, turning to me.
Do you want
the cost with you.
"Yes," to
go and,
yes,
to go?"
wanting and not wanting to go. "No,
said,
I
We
must.
I
"I'll split
don't want
I
are so close."
"Will you go with us, Dominik?" Vesa asked. "Yes,
go
will
I
too, of course.
I
have been before, maybe
five
"We should leave early tomorrow morning. We must
times," he said.
go not only to Auschwitz, but to Birkenau
too.
It
is
very close
together."
We
It is settled.
plicable desire to
high
cliff
are going to the camps.
jump
that I've felt
or on top of a
tall
when
building, this
have always been haunted by pictures
camps when
was
I
World War
My own pilot.
father
Over the
in
was
clear.
words for
Now
it.
me
I
make
I
it
how much
he ages,
I
real
presences
I
continue to discover.
that
war
way
flight
school.
I
was a bomber is still
alive for
didn't have the
to
Stories
me
as
we go
from
Guam
into conversations.
afraid to look into the darkness of Auschwitz.
could not have gone had
But
I
knew that as a child, but is known both to him and
their
was no longer
ways that
in
through the picture albums of continue to
need to see for myself.
saw of the concentration
in the Air Force, taught flying,
years, as
him becomes
the inex-
grade school.
affected
II
I
It feels like
nearing the edge of a very
who were
I
not
felt
that
Mary and Tara were
with me.
August 18, 1987.
By midmorning we have Oswiecim.
The weather
is
set
out by taxi to Auschwitz-Birkenau.
terrible, hot,
humid, and heavy. The pollution
PILGRIMAGE
AFTER THE here from the nearby mines
The
air
is
is
among
the worst in Eastern Europe.
We ride into the void, windows down, hitting potholes
sour.
high speed. Vesa tries politely to
at
235
make
conversation, but
is
it
impossible. I
got up early to hear Dominik say mass.
would go with us to the camps, and
differences of opinion he I
am
me.
He
is
with
the
all
respectful of the fact that
the importance of this
visit
to
honor the importance of the Church for him.
I
As soon litde
He honors
married to a Jew.
was touched that he
a Catholic priest,
have.
I
I
we arrive, we go straight the museum in front.
as
time in
"This way," Dominik says, "this
you must
certain things
see.
is
into the
camp, spending
very big place. There are
Come."
We walk through a wide gate down a graveled walk. The buildings are
neady kept. Everything looks deceptively "normal." Auschwitz
had been a model camp which the Nazis held open for inspection by the International Red Cross. Dominik takes us into a nearby twostoried brick building.
Young people
are planting flowers in the beds
outside.
The
room
first
and behind
glass
I
walk into looks empty. Then
room
another half
is
toothbrushes, and hairbrushes. Nothing
pared for the effect of so could almost hear them
many
talk.
I
filled
else.
Upstairs,
I
we walked
people's shoes shoes,
But
on
am
I
shocked, unpre-
into a long
I
cars,
had seen them before,
had never seen anything
like this.
narrow room that held only
all
and thousands of
thrown together
in
heaps
order. Shoes.
There was the room of black letters
I
either side. Shoes, thousands
No
left
inanimate yet personal belongings.
men, women, and children,
indiscriminately.
look to the
had expected pictures of railroad
people like skeletons, mass graves, Nazis. since grade school.
I
with shaving brushes,
Harner, Oppenheim, Gibian.
Names were scrawled in large Neumann, them down as we walk along. Then
suitcases.
on the old leather I
cases: Breuer, Frank, Kafka,
jot
a display of prayer shawls, a display of thousands of eyeglasses, another
LONG NG FOR DARKNESS
236
!
room, a display of hundreds of pans. Piles
piles
left.
had brought
my
camera
have
it.
I
much
wanted to be able to show
are real, this happened.
the
after
no picture could capture what
that
first
limbs, of corsets, of pots
No
of people's belongings.
What was
effects. I
and
artificial
went
I
dozen shots and
am
I
my
Yet
see.
I
was glad to
camps
children, to say the
But
there. See. relieved.
knowing
interior debate,
would
I
I
run out of film
The pen
camera, these fragmentary notes the pictures
I
and
people, only their
will
take.
after
have to be
my
We walk through
room of displays. We do not speak. There is a room full of paintings done by prisoners at the camp. These tell more than any photograph of what it was like. A Christmas room
after
scene in the snow, at night, under street
up
lined
in the
lights, outside: prisoners
snow, naked, the Nazis hitting and
are dragged to work.
bodies in the are
smoking
Another shows prisoners pulling
snow while being whipped by cigars
Nazis.
them.
killing
Another painting shows the Nazis laughing and jeering
as prisoners
dead
a cart of
Some of the
Nazis
and laughing while others do the whipping. between the rooms the walls are lined with pho-
In the hallway
tographs of faces with shaved heads in prison uniforms. Their names, professions, dates of birth
wife
.
.
all
listed: poet,
mechanic,
priest,
house-
.
The Room of Children dren photographed in
this
is
lined with photographs of
same way.
young
chil-
All the photographs, in the hall
outside this room, and these children's photographs as well, are strangely passive,
no expression. Except
Children. She has
Her eyes
are full of tears, as are
One room
mine when
tiers
girl in this
Room
I
of
picture.
see her.
of straw, with six to eight people (men and
kept separately) in each
slot,
to twenty-five people "sleeping" virtually
these shelves.
one
has a display showing the sleeping arrangements. There
were three wooden
women were
for
no name, only the number 27129 on her
One
could not
roll over.
making
a total of eighteen
on top of one another on
— PILGRIMAGE
AFTER THE Dominik explains the International
saw photographs of the
holes
where we
Cross, Birkenau,
was not shown. There, the
a short drive away,
We
walked into the room
—
to
sit
We
go to Block
There was a word cells.
for prisoners
1 1
was worse.
row of cement
for a total of ten seconds
there we now was
From
I
who
room
six feet
explains
side, in the
that
I
by
resisted. It
was here they
were kept
difficult prisoners
six feet, eight feet
by eight
feet.
in Polish crudely scratched into the wall in one
Dominik
Off to one
must
what
it
means, "Remember.
"
back of the basement, there was one more
describe. Inside this
room
there were three
feet,
one square yard,
or four bricked-in cells three feet by three
which prisoners who had been part of the Resistance or had
into
tried to escape
were forced to crawl from
a small
work
they were taken out to
wrong
"cell,"
it
morning
day and then returned to
this cell.
is
all
to even dignify this tiny block of torture with the
was so
Think of body
all
door near the floor
night. In the
and remain standing with three other people
it's
for
only
later,
of Hider's medical experiments. By
basement,
in cells in the
it
You're in a crowded elevator where every-
pressed together like sardines and you feel a litde anxious,
no room, you
can't
move an
inch, people's bodies
packed against you. Take the three people crammed
closest to
Dominik
in there
you and build brick walls around your foursome on
sides. That's
I
word
small.
like this.
so tight, there's
are
situation
before being pulled away.
were sent for "correction." The most
It's
go
weeping.
silently
small
will
latrines at Birkenau: a
upon which one was allowed
someone was timing you
of the
was the showplace
that though Auschwitz
Red
237
where they put the ones they wanted
tells
me. People couldn't survive
walked into one of these
cells,
this
all
to break the most,
treatment very long.
where the brick had been knocked
out so that you could see inside. Nothing. There you stood, just you
and three other people. In the dark,
You
just
had to stand
there.
I
all
night,
no room to
sit
down.
got claustrophobia looking at these
LONGING FOR DARKNESS
238
cells.
my
When
breath,
into a
fire.
stepped into the dismantled
I
I
of different nations as for each country, for
had to catch stepping
like
walk went, block
different buildings used to house
we walked
out of Block
There was a block
.
one for Yugoslavian Jews, and so our
after block. In 1943, the population of
was 90-95 percent Jews. Today, one eerie, especially for
Warsaw, only
1 1
a
Jews
Jews from Russia, for Jews from Denmark, one
for Austrian- Hungarian Jews,
in
I
was
It
immediately leaped out.
Dominik pointed out the
is
cell itself,
was being squeezed out of me.
it
me. There are
few thousand
rarely sees a
Jew
Auschwitz
in Poland. It
than fifteen hundred Jews
less
in all of Poland, in
what had been
the flowering of Eastern European Jewry before the war. I
notes
go alone into the Jewish Museum. Dominik waits
become
to another.
increasingly fragmented as
outside.
My
move from one photograph
I
There are photos of Kristallnacht
Germany, photos of
in
Bernard Swierczyna, prisoner #1393, organizer of the Jewish Resistance
—
the edge of an in shock,
open
pit
girl
to
grave to be shot, their faces looking confused,
completely broken-spirited.
one naked young on, her
women marched
Photos of hundreds of naked
killed.
among them
My
attention was riveted by
standing in line with her shoes
hand outstretched to the viewer, her mouth open,
pleading.
Photos of broken bodies. Photos of the Jewish Resistance. Photos of
Hannah Senesh, the Jewish woman from behind enemy
lines to bring a
who
Palestine
parachuted
message of hope to her people
too died in Auschwitz. Photos of naked the "showers," the gas chambers.
I
women
—
she
standing in line for
stumble out of the darkness of
the display, back into daylight.
Dominik
is
together. This
We was
is
waiting.
too
Though we do not
much
walk over to the crematorium, where
built
I
I
go
below ground, of cement, and even now
crematorium ran from 1940
I
talk, it is
good
until 1943, the year
I
is
inside alone.
room with
It
very cold. This
was born.
walk through the gas chamber without even knowing
step into the next
to be
to be with alone.
it
until
the ovens, the extra long ones that
AFTER THE PILGRIMAGE when
could cremate two bodies at once. That's
have just been in the gas chamber.
room and look one a clue
give
inside of. realize
I
at
it
as to
what
Now
it is.
brick oven in particular
around the world. all
I
something but
it is
can do
is
I
I
what you have walked
in,
feel nothing,
even after
room with
look at
for
it
I
One
the ovens.
draped with flowers and notes from
is
must
empty concrete room.
just a big
turn around and go back into the
I
I
There are no showerheads, nothing to
again.
feel
realize that
go back into the big concrete
I
what you are standing
expect to
I
239
some time and then
I
visitors
decide that
stand here on the tracks in front of this oven and
write.
important for you to understand
It is
from the is
now
cold, but
I
this.
I
am
writing to you
cold ovens of Auschwitz. The ovens are cold,
grow hot
am
I
room
knowledge of what
trying to take in the
happened on the precise spot where
this
standing.
I
cannot.
I
can
take only the simplest notes, feverishly. There are pink gladiolas and
red carnations laid in the open oven door, there
is
a trough full of
flowers, white zinnias, pink carnations, yellow sunflowers
bodies once were
laid.
Other people come and go,
am only dimly aware of On the top oven tray is a I
them, I'm
now where
talking in whispers,
such a heat. The oven door.
in
sign. It is the
memorial pledge of
a
group
called C.A.N.D.L.E.S.
We
from the
are the voices of the children saved
We
pledge to do the following.
what happened here
in
will
not
We
Auschwitz.
let
will
part of humanity perished here. This soil
blood of our mothers and fathers, our will
show our
the very
last time.
remember
that a
soaked with the
and brothers.
We
We will work together to eliminate prejudice earth. We will appeal to the conscience
of the world never to
is
sisters
We
children where their grandparents hugged us for
from the face of the
The placard
is
ashes.
the world forget
.
.
.
let this
happen
again.
dated January 27, 1985.
Outside the crematorium the
air
is
warmer now and
the
wind
LONGING FOR DARKNESS
240
Dominik has been waiting
has picked up.
patiently.
am
I
glad that
I
looked.
Now
Birkenau.
Huge. Rows of wooden barracks, most of them burned down by the Nazis.
We
go into one,
full
of empty beds. Birkenau. Burned.
Now quiet open fields of wildflowers and crickets.
Four million people
died here alone.
We
walk down along the tracks to the memorial
down
the crematoria. There has been a stone laid
each person
The
gas
now open thistles
who
and wild
dressing, a gas
I
find
at Birkenau,
to the sky,
Crematory
at once, a
died here.
chamber
is
full
it
end by
at the
in the earth for
disquieting to walk
blown up by the Nazis
on them. at the end,
of rubble, weeds, and water, purple
iris.
had
at Birkenau, the sign reads,
II
chamber which held and
room where
the hair of
killed
women was
a
room
for un-
two thousand people cut
off, a
room where
gold was removed from teeth, stoves for burning personal documents.
The women's
hair
was used to make chair
The Germans planted poplars matoria here.
Human
There are purple I
am
ashes have been scattered
thistles
in
all
over
shock from even the
little
I
I've
ground.
am
walking over
half a century later, the poplars are
of the crematoria of Birkenau.
still
this
seen of just these two
camps. Dominik points to the poplars by Crematory
fires
this
everywhere. Yellow and white wildflowers,
too distracted to notice what kind.
ground
stuffing.
so that you couldn't see the cre-
II.
Now,
nearly
stunted on top from the
There Are Roses of Fire California
As
I dig
in the
for wild orchids
autumn fields,
it is
the deeply-bedded root
that
I desire,
not the fiower.
—
Izumi Shikibu
1
California
1987
September,
Near sunset,
at
home
in California,
walking the ridges of
Mount
Tamalpais, the grasses were dry, most of the wildflowers gone but for the orange
monkey
flower, a
few bright
paintbrush, and the California poppy.
Poland,
I
evil that it
apply I
rise
I
it
after returning
from
would think of Auschwitz-Birkenau and the problem of presented on these walks below and around
Buddhism doesn't tually,
stalks of clear red Indian
Long
talk
understood
about
this,
to Auschwitz.
It
evil,
the term
but the word
is
isn't
Mount
Tarn.
"ignorance." Intellecstrong enough
when
I
has no stench.
was confronted with
a
major cover story
in the
news on the
of neo-Nazis after returning to the States. In a town nearby, a
young man was thrown through
a plate-glass
window by
skinheads 241
LONGING FOR DARKNESS
242
for trying to tear a
down an
young neo-Nazi,
He was
time.
anti-Semitic sign.
who had
in California,
I
read another story of
fallen in love for the first
so transformed by the experience that he renounced
the hatred he had preached and tried to retract his former racist
he had been wrong. His fellow neo-
positions, publicly stating that
him up,
Nazis beat
nailed
him
him
razor blades, being sure to leave
A
alive.
He
his chest
with
cried for help for
who saw him turned away and who knew him to be a racist, came
white people
a long time. All the
passed him by.
and slashed
to a plank
black couple,
to his aid.
This was in America, 1987, taking place while the ovens in Auschwitz.
In
intentioned friend assured
me
over.
It's
foolishly "the
a thing of the past.
all
stood next to
I
London, on the way home,
We
harm
is
a well-
past, gone, done,
should bury the camps, tear
them down, and go on." Having seen the camps, even
how much agreement out. Hitler
made
it
was popularly
briefly,
gave
me
a visceral sense of
took to create the madness that Hider lived elected.
Thousands of people, not just Hider,
Many were
the choices that led to Auschwitz-Birkenau.
well-
meaning people.
The patory,
evil that
culminated in Auschwitz was cumulative,
and involved choice, even
if
partici-
the choice was only to deny
what was happening and to personally do nothing.
The sun
low on the horizon now,
is
half sunk into the sea, the
rays brilliant in the last flash of light that
before
it
sets.
I
is
open
hillside
this
stand on the hilltop to watch until the
extinguished before turning back.
light
comes
The
evening just last sliver
and winds downhill gradually, through bay
laurel groves,
a stand of
redwoods, and the dark green coyote brush, before
becomes
wider
road
I
a
fire
of
dirt trail leaves the
it
road that at the bottom meets the blacktop
take toward home.
Within
a
month
after
coming home from Poland,
son would turn seventeen. After seeing Auschwitz,
I
my
youngest
resolved to speak
ROSES more openly
Ben and
to
FIRE
OF
243
about war. Soon they had to
his friends
face the military.
At Ben's seventeenth birthday party, had been eaten, the dishes done, teenagers
if
and
after the cake
asked the living room
I
they were aware that by law
the young
all
cream
ice
of
full
men
there
had to register with the selective service, by the age of eighteen.
was
might laugh, that
afraid they
just the opposite, they
would embarrass Ben. But
don't want to
I
up
I
was
anyone," they said
I
sign up?"
I
about the law or paying attention to possible fines
kill
"What do you mean, have to when reeled off the consequences
after another,
were astonished
it
wanted to know more.
"I don't believe in war.
one
I
it:
no
They
of not knowing
financial aid for college,
to $250,000.
No, they were not aware. They wanted to know more about the law and their alternatives.
We
began having monthly, sometimes
monthly pot-luck suppers to explore what in the world. tors,
We
Buddhist
combat
meant
to
want peace
and
a
woman
veteran, Lilly
a triage nurse at nineteen. Lilly's story of running
behind the
lines
on the
away any romanticism about the I
it
veterans, conscientious objec-
priests, lawyers, parents,
Adams, who was a hospital
talked with
bi-
battlefields of
military.
Vietnam stripped
We talked with each other.
turned to works of Mennonites, Buddhists, and Quakers.
A
format established
itself.
After supper
we would
read the
fourteen ethical precepts written by Thich Nhat Hanh, the Vietnamese
Buddhist
monk who
the Vietnam
created an order of pacifists in Vietnam during
2
War. The reading was followed by
silent meditation.
I
was continually surprised and moved by these young people. They
were mostly teen-age boys,
who on
the surface might look as though
they had no greater concerns than skateboarding, cars, jobs, school, dating,
and
surfing, but
who
in fact
cared deeply about our world,
other people, the environment, and the future.
we went public and held a successful The group baked cookies, designed and printed
At the group's instigation
community
event.
LONGING FOR DARKNESS
244
up
flyers,
paid the
community center
rent.
They gave speeches about
how our group had started and why we continued to meet. Each member stood up and read one of Thich Nhat Hanh's Precepts, 3
which had been copied and placed on each audience
Then
chair.
they asked the audience to observe five minutes of meditation for
peace with
us.
sat in the back,
I
my
heart singing, so proud of
could burst. All of us, beginners, together.
I
We
them
called ourselves
"The Peace Project." Walking the
hills at
home. Out of the ashes of Auschwitz, out
of the pilgrimage to the Black Madonna, out of following the Buddha Tara, this
was the way
I
was shown.
Spring came, 1988, bringing Geshe Lobsang Tsephel,
met
in
Dharamsala, to San Francisco.
Tara initiation which I
I
He had come
attended in the
Delhi.
to give a
I
Green
and Switzerland,
India
from the days of teachings the Dalai Lama gave
The paper was colored by
the flowers
I
had picked
Some had stuck
to the pages, others fallen loose.
mottled with blues, yellow, pale brown, and
The Tibetan teachings
I
I
I
though
I
I
am
some
I
may
to hear.
There are
not agree with yet
walking into a well-tended garden
hear the teachings. The Tibetans have a wild,
luxuriant imagination that
I
one page
are like flowers to me: fragrant, uplifting,
don't understand,
feel as
bloom when As
light rose;
They bring great consolation and joy
elements
inevitably in
still.
The paper was
out dried blueberries and a stalk of tiny pink flowers.
delightful.
many
in
at the
Lodi Gardens and pressed between the pages. They lay there
spilled
had
city.
thumbed through my notebooks from
finding notes
whom
fills
the
air.
turned the pages, being careful not to disturb the flowers,
was reminded of the Green Tara
initiation that
I
had
just received
from Geshe Tsephel. One of the instructions he gave during the
ROSES OF
FIRE
245
meditation was to imagine that the pellets of rice in our hands were flowers.
Imagine that this rice pellet
Throw
the flowers into the
a flower, that
is
shower
air,
this
we have many flowers. room with flowers. The
Buddhas and bodhisattvas are always throwing flowers showering us with flowers. So Imagine that
room, but
room
this
is
we
drawn
our path,
too should scatter flowers.
not ordinary room. Yes,
also Tara's heaven.
it is
bodhisattvas are being
in
Imagine that
into this
all
room on
ordinary
it is
the Buddhas and
coming from
rays
your heart. See with the mind's eye the Buddhas and bodhisattvas filling this
room. Imagine Tara
speck of dust in the
room
is
air.
as big as a
Imagine
this
mountain and
room
filled
as tiny as a
with Taras. This
blooming Buddhas, bodhisattvas, and Taras.
moon
See Tara sitting on a blossom. See her,
all
on an open white
disk that rests
green, jewels on her head, beautiful
silk
lotus
garments
flowing over her body, and a blue utpala flower, the lotus, in
full
bloom by her
left
left ear.
She holds the stem of the lotus
hand between her thumb and her
in
her
forefinger, over her heart. She
is
smiling at you. She has a beautiful smile. She has a beautiful, gentle face.
She
is
looking at you with loving kindness, she
her compassion to you, she will call
out her name, no matter
who you
unbelieving you have been. She she this
is
world, samsara, she is
the
of Compassion, she
Om
is
is
pouring out
the instant you think of her, are,
where you
are, or
how
the hearer of the world's cries,
the boat that carries us across the river of the sufferings of
Buddhas, she
all.
come
is
the guide, she
is
the energy of
mother of the Buddhas, she is
is
the fully enlightened one, she
all
the
the Bodhisattva is
mother of us
Tare Tutare Jure Soha.
There was a vase of huge red and yellow roses open on the carved red lacquer table in front of the Venerable Chos Kyi in Nepal.
Nyima
There was a bowl of yellow roses on the glass-top table
front of His Holiness the Dalai
Lama, Tenzin Gyatso,
in Delhi.
in
There
LONGING FOR DARKNESS
246
was a small vase of roses on the
table in front of
Rinpoche
in Switzerland
initiation.
There were yellow roses on the
Champa Lodro
by the lake where he gave the Green Tara
Geshe Lobsang
altar as
Tsephel chanted the prayers to Green Tara that night. There was an
enormous blossoming
tree of
open yellow roses outside the second
window where Geshe Tsephel sat see him. The rose tree had grown up
floor
the next day
to
to
when
I
On
my
the desk in
him
roses.
my grandmother's crystal bud vase is Two days ago they were tight buds.
room,
with tiny pink tea
went
to frame
way, as though he was another blossom on the tree of
in this
filled
meet him,
roses.
This morning they are fully opened and their fragrance floats through
drawn by the open window next
me
the
air,
My
great-grandfather loved roses. As nurseryman he helped bring
commercial rose growing to East Texas
know how
I
would grow
scent of roses, California,
would
make an
of
grandfather, ninety-seven
Hope, Arkansas, by
grow one hundred
A
last
own,
wooden
his
fifty varieties
way through
its
grow
inside the
in a flower,
I
I
write of roses.
Did he
would wear only the
altars in India, Nepal,
and
That
my
offer roses?
his son,
a rose garden in
bushel basket mill? That he would
of roses?
my window
this past
winter
pushed open the window, and began
a crack,
room, toward
let it
I
summer, would keep
climber rose growing outside
forced to
on these
my
as
in the late 1920s.
to love roses, that
find roses
altar
to
my altar.
Respectful of such boldness
grow. Wild audacity. The strength of a rose,
determined to bloom, beyond reason.
Who father,
planted this rose?
my
grandmother?
Was
My
it
my
grandfather brought from Arkansas,
them tied
to friends
down
in the
great-grandfather,
open trunk of it
grand-
filled
my
my
the house with them, gave
and neighbors, the roses brought home
Roses. Legend has
my
grandmother received the roses
in barrels
grandfather's car.
that in Mexico,
on December
9,
1531, the
Virgin of Guadalupe miraculously appeared and told the Indian peasant Juan Diego to pick roses
where Juan Diego knew only cactus
HOSES OF could bloom on Tepeyac hair like
247
This Virgin had dark skin and black
Hill.
Juan Diego. She wore a black belt above her waist, traditional
was pregnant. He was to take the
Indian style, indicating that she roses in his cape to the bishop tell
FIRE
and to report
He was
this vision.
to
the bishop that the Virgin wants a church built here.
Juan Diego
is
turned away three times. Trying to hide the roses
from the bishop's attendants to no
become
roses have
bishop's presence.
part of
He
bishop and his cape
This of Fire.*
and
lie
one
is
The
to the ground.
On
on the
is
cape and the
his
then admitted to the
the cape
cloth.
The
is
Eduardo Galeano
Aztec tongue,
when
tells
the image of
roses have fallen
scattered everywhere, their scent
telling.
apparition Juan Diego saw
in Nahuatl, the
he opens
kneels and reaches for the roses to hand the
falls
the Virgin of Guadalupe imprinted to the floor
avail,
Juan Diego
it.
filling
the
air.
us another in Memory
on Tepeyac
spoke to him
Hill
she told him that she was "the
mother of God." It
was the bishop, Zumarraga, who decided that the apparition
was Guadalupe, the Dark Madonna from Estremadura, Spain, that was appearing to Juan Diego. codices set idols
—
on
fire,
was Zumarraga who had the Aztec
It
down
tore
the Indian temples, destroyed their
twenty thousand of them. Bishop Zumarraga, the Indian's
protector,
was the keeper of the branding iron
Indians' faces with the
names of
Zumarraga knew that Tepeyac had been the of the earth goddess, Tonantzin,
who
site
stamped the
that
their proprietors,
Galeano
says.
of the Aztec worship
clad herself in snakes, hearts,
and hands. The Indians loved Tonantzin, Galeano
tells us,
they called
her "our mother."
name meant "mother" in moon and the maguey or century plant
Tonantzin, whose crescent
maguey was quickly pre-empted by the Church
Nahuatl, had the as
her
for the
sign.
5
The
Dark Virgin
of Mexico, whether in the form of Guadalupe or another favored
Madonna,
Los Kemedios,
Juan Diego's
The Remedy.
tilma, his
cape,
still
exists. It is said that if
one looks
LONGING FOR DARKNESS
248
very closely into the eye of the Virgin imprinted on the cloth, the figure of
Juan Diego, standing before her, can be discerned
Our Lady
still.
Madonna who appeared as a Madonna that Pope Pius XI declared
of Guadalupe, the Dark
pregnant Indian
woman,
to be the patroness of
is
all
the
the Americas, from Alaska to the tip of
Tierra del Fuego in South America. 6
There are roses of
fire.
The Madonna 's Face Rio Grande
.
.
.
while birds
Valley, lexas
and warmer weather
are forever moving north, the cries of those who vanish might take years to get here.
— Dallas,
Carolyn Forche
1
Texas
July 1988
There
is
a
famous shrine and pilgrimage
site to a
Black
Madonna
South Texas, the Rio Grande Valley, just north of Mexico, San Juan, Texas, between Harlingen and McAllen, the
Madonna de
los Lagos,
Called morenita, the black,
I
find out,
to call her black.
famed
as a healer
dark one, she
little
though some refuse
Most simply
is
a
is
am
I
told.
home
of
and miracleworker.
brown Madonna, not
this distinction
refer to her as
the
in
and continue
"Our Lady."
I
go to
down
along
see for myself, stopping first to see family in Dallas.
Circling back.
I
my
take
grandfather for a drive
Hackberry Creek after dinner one night. Lightning breaks up the sky
and the wind comes up.
I
pull over
and
stop.
"Mind waiting for a few minutes, Pop?" I ask. "Not at all, you go right ahead," he says as he always
does.
249
LONGING FOR DARKNESS
250
took
I
my
shoes off as soon as
the grassy hillside to the creek.
on
down
in this creek,
that I'm back in Texas.
middle of the stream in the moonlight, with the water
in the
my
flowing over release.
the
got out of the car and ran
know
slippery limestone bed, to
its
I
need to stand barefoot
I
my
feet,
grandfather nearby,
I
softly
feel a quiet sense
the heat, the cicadas, and the family; turn back to a
landscape washed by
and recollected
memory, droning with the resonance of At ninety-seven,
life.
my
was
my
in
of
my
time growing up.
The wind blows hard through the cedar branches, shadows
cast
by the
moon
across the ground.
low and quiet tonight, the moment flooding, swollen
had
built
I
Though
step out into
and crashing, tearing apart the
out of fireplace
logs.
In a flash,
it,
the creek runs I
raft a
down Hackberry Creek to Turtle Creek, River, and down into the Gulf of Mexico were
our hands by I
scattering the
its
cousin and float
out into the taken out of
my
grandfather almost every night
down Drexel Drive, past "3600," house, now sold, as though it creates
in Dallas, along the creek,
my grandparents'
we called
a
mandala, a protective pattern, a labyrinth or circle in which
it,
enclose the fragment I
I
Tom
as
what
it
sinking.
drive this certain route with
when I'm
remember
our plans to
Sawyer-style Trinity
of
lost.
grandparents' house, across the street from this creek,
much
spent
I
lived
memory
grandfather's
the turn of the century grows sharper, while yesterday can be It
of
turn back to this creek, to the cedars, the mockingbirds,
I
fireflies,
that
Out
will find
left
when
I
of this world
we
leave for the Rio
shared.
Grande
I
I
do not know
Valley.
Rio Grande Valley
August 1988
Storm clouds below winds.
as
we
From
drift
above
us,
shadowing the gray-brown-green land
begin the descent in our small plane, buffeted by high the
air,
the landscape
business ruled off the Rio
is
unrelentingly geometric. Agri-
Grande Valley
into the precise square grids
— MADONNA'S FACE
THE
251
we
of farmland cut up by the straight, fast roads that
from the
see
air.
The
Valley
either side.
It's
not actually a valley since there are no
is
a hot,
broad
hills
on
27 degrees north of the
coastal plain,
Equator, with a growing season of three hundred forty days a year that's three
crops
— making
this land
immensely valuable
for fruit
and vegetables.
The land here has been for
heavily irrigated
and
fertilized,
and but
A handful
few exceptions, largely stripped of its natural vegetation.
of state parks and wildlife refuges contain the remnants of native plants
and
grow
trees that
in the Valley.
As the central flyway for
the North American continent, thousands of species of migratory birds fly
through here, increasingly endangered,
from the chemical
wash
and pesticides used
fertilizers
and waterways. But
into the ponds, resacas,
as are
we, by runoff
in agriculture that it's
the Rio Grande
River, snaking across the desert landscape, that controls this Valley, as the Nile
does Egypt.
Its
water can be dammed, drained, dredged,
rechanneled, blessed, and cursed, but ultimately,
River that gives the Valley
its
it's
the Rio Grande
essential character, creating
hundreds
of miles of permeable border between the United States and Mexico.
"You don't have
to
go to Europe to
find a Black
my
heaven's sake, we've got one right here in Texas," said in true native
"You ought
Texan
for
Uncle Peter
style.
to see her shrine.
It's
a big place,
go there for mass on Sundays, the place full
Madonna,
is
thousands of people
packed. There's a
room
of milagritos, photographs, letters of thanks to the Virgin for being
cured, and
all
sorts of things
that people have left behind, like
crutches, because they believe she's healed them.
mass there when I'm
The research
I'd
Madonna
wild.
I
go to
in the Valley."
done on
ceding the trip surprised me. particular
It's
herself.
the Virgin of Guadalupe, but the Virgen de San Juan del
this
Madonna during
I'd
been able to glean
the
months pre-
little
about
this
thought she might be another form of
I
I
Valle,
was wrong. The Madonna is
a replica of the
Madonna
at
San Juan,
de San
juan
LONGING FOR DARKNESS
252
Mexico. Though not
de los Lagos in Jalisco,
Guadalupe, she
tionally as
Hispanic
community
is
in the
as well
known
interna-
famous within Mexico and within the
United
States.
Each
year, at the Feast of
the Purification of the Virgin in February, the Candeleria Festival takes place at San Juan de los Lagos in Mexico, societies of dancers
come from
all
I
read. 2 Brilliandy
costumed
over Mexico on a kind of perpetual
pilgrimage or promesa to dance for the Virgin. Another source said that the
gather
name of the village was Lagos Moreno, the dark lake. I could more information than this. Even the bookstore at the
little
shrine did not have a published history.
The geographical matter.
It
was
a political minefield.
refugees were trapped in the Rio
border
at a
political
Thousands of Central American
Grande
Valley, pouring over the
growing rate of two thousand
asylum
was another
location of her shrine in Texas
week
a
in Brownsville at the federal
3
to apply for
of INS, the
offices
Immigration and Naturalization Service.
The refugee strained border
who
live in
situation
compounds
the problems of the already
community, home to thousands of Texas
families
the Colonias, residential areas that lack the basic services
unemmake this
of sewage and water. Poverty, high infant-mortality rates,
ployment of up to 35 percent, and poor school
most economically depressed
area one of the
The Rio Grande
districts
in the
Valley had seen the Sanctuary
United
root with the arrest of volunteer church workers Stacey
and Jack Elder
in
1984
and shelter refugees house.
4
Casa
in Brownsville.
at the
Romero was
Lynn Merkt
Casa Romero, the Catholic Church's open the response of Bishop John Fitzpatrick of It
was named
outspoken Archbishop Oscar Romero of El Salvador,
mass
in
for the
who was
critic
as-
San Salvador on March 24, 1980.
Archbishop Romero sided openly with the poor of El Salvador
outspoken
take
Merkt and Elder helped feed
Brownsville to the refugees' obvious needs.
sassinated as he offered
States.
movement
as
an
of U.S. policy. Well over $4.5 billion of aid, almost
$900 million of which went to the
military, has
been poured into El
MADONNAS
THE
Salvador, a country of onlv
FACE
253
million people, since
5.2
1980. 5 Aid
continues.
Merkt was arrested in a car
for "transporting illegal aliens" while riding
with Brenda Sanchez
Lutheran Church worker from El
(a
and
Salvador), a nun, another Salvadoran,
1984. Reading about Stacev
and Arizona had pricked
Now
through
Merkt and the Sanctuary
mv
conscience, but
of coincidences
a series
shelter mvself while
I
let
I
would be
Madonna
researched the
I
reporter on February 18,
a
The storm that hovered over the Yallev
as
it
Texas
trials in
go no further.
staving in a refugee
at
we
San Juan. flew in continued
to threaten, darkening the sky, breaking into short bursts of rain
and then quicldv subsiding.
hail at
the Casa de
Merced,
la
I
was expected
to arrive bv
of the Sisters of
a project
provides temporary food and housing to men,
Mercv which
women, and
children
from El Salvador, Guatemala, Honduras, and Nicaragua. Space
premium.
at a
I
Bv the time
had
a place to stav,
uncomfortable with the direction variance between the information in the Yallev, the
it
this I
I
was
feeling increasingly
Madonna was
taking me.
The
gathered mvself about the refugees
unprecedented numbers seeking asvlum, and the
news provided bv Washington grew. 6 The .America in the .American press
were
was
there was room.
arrived in the Yallev,
I
and
supper
stories of stories
"reading the news";
it
"democratic reform"
made
not being published. Classes were offered in
was now considered
in
one country,
What Washington
munist influence."
erratic coverage oi Central
following events dizzving. There
What was termed our government called "Coma skill.
described as "fragile democ-
racy," others called oligarchies held together bv terrorism, torture,
human-rights violations, death squads, and the aid of millions of U.S. tax dollars. I
picked up
puzzling over
a car at the airport in
how
this ht
hension, excitement,
the drive.
The
Harlingen and drove to McAllen,
with the Black Madonna. Resistance, appre-
amazement
fact that the
—
all
Casa de
kinds of feelings la
came up during
Merced was run bv
the Sisters
LONGING FOR DARKNESS
254
of Mercy was reassuring. Underneath
Church
had long forgotten.
I
members of the
the if
that
I
found a
faith in the Catholic
took for granted the fact that
I
would not be involved
clergy
in the refugee issue
something wasn't deeply and morally wrong. Whether or not
was a naive or an accurate assumption remained to be
The cotton standing
—
in the fields
this
seen.
gave comfort as
I
sped by.
Stately
palm
here
feathery mesquite trees, slow-growing native ebony, sabal,
—
mountain
maroon
trees
fan palms, date palms, over
laurel, oak,
bougainvillea,
degrees. at
all
six in the
evening
unfamiliarly
flat.
was
it
When
the road signs were in Spanish;
world. Only a few
more
"Buenos noches, " a la
and bright-blossomed oleanders provided
The landscape was
McAllen,
Merced when
I
grow
groves of oranges and grapefruit, hot pink-
By
pite along the road.
fifty varieties
res-
close to 100
still
got to the turnofF
I
had entered another
I
miles to the Sisters of Mercy.
woman
called
from the porch of the Casa de
drove up and got out of the
car.
"Come on
inside,
you're just in time for supper." Big Rio Grande Valley ash trees
surround the house, protection from the hurricanes that sweep through here. Inside the comfortable two-story frame house the overhead fans
whirl slowly, an old air-conditioning unit cool cool.
air,
The Casa
Now
—
is
with
Grande all
Valley. This
the family gone Sister
who
Border hospitality was
it
Valley. Lived here
all
years, I'm sixty-one
house
Sister of
the
is
what
way of I've
—
but ten years of
my
now
seen our
I've
eaten
Mercy and
home
she grew
has one simple function.
just part of the
— and
—
share the house.
Marian explained, "that's
That's one of the hardest things about
unravel.
pittance of
and eggs Mexican-style
run by Marian Strohmeyer, a
"Border hospitality," vide.
rice, beans,
with the nuns and brothers
native of the Rio in.
its
throbbing in the background. The downstairs was pleasandy
Dinner was simple
at a long table
up
pumps out
life
life
all we prodown here.
seen happen in the
that
means over
way of
life
fifty
begin to
MADONNA'S FACE
THE
"Neighbors have turned against neighbors,
become
afraid to offer the hospitality that
way of life. They're store,
afraid to give
down the street.
illegal aliens.
255
of people have
lots
was part and parcel of our
somebody
a ride to the bus, to the
Afraid that the INS will say they're transporting
People on the street have
come
to believe that
it's
a
crime to offer hospitality. That's no crime!
"The border
is
no longer the border,
wherever there's a
it's
border patrolman," Marian explained in her no-nonsense manner. Short silver hair, blue eyes,
medium
has a straightforward approach to
heard that INS
"I
is
height, with a solid body,
life.
planning to put in a hotline with an 800
number you can call anonymously if you're suspicious employing refugees as a kid
Marian
illegally.
me
That reminds
on Nazi Germany," she
that somebody's
of the movies
recalled over dinner.
I
saw
Her two dogs
bark as someone comes to the back screen door. Marian goes to the
door and a
"We
from Boston picks up the conversation.
sister
usually have about sixteen refugees here, in addition to the
nuns, brothers, and lay volunteers
The
a lot of children.
who
staff the house.
refugees here right
now
are
Often there're
from Honduras,
Guatemala, and El Salvador. They usually stay one to two months,
paperwork done
get their
women came river
in
for the INS,
Monday from
Two
and then move on.
El Salvador.
They walked
across the
and then got caught, a mother and her seventeen-year-old
pregnant daughter. They were taken to the
corralon,
center. There's a children's detention center a
the detention
few miles away from
the corralon. "I just
came down here from Boston not long ago. I was surprised were no signs in Spanish at the INS office. They
to find that there
were read
all
in English.
Most refugees don't speak
English,
much
less
it.
"Two women and two men came
yesterday from Honduras.
They
had taken a bus through Mexico. Twice they were robbed. At one point they had to go without food for five days. These people endure
LONGING FOR DARKNESS
256
great hardships just to get here, that should
how bad
things have gotten
tell
you something about
where they come from.
"We just had an eighteen-year-old boy from
who
Guatemala
because his father was murdered. His father had told him that
was
fled
if
he
country immediately because he would be
killed to leave the
next."
Marian came back to the table to continue our next hour the conversation shifted and turned,
my
talk.
Over the Poland
trip to
mentioned.
"Did you know
that there's a Czestochowa, Texas?" Marian asked.
"Never heard of
"Oh, "It's
you'll
it."
have to go," she said emphatically.
outside of San Antonio. There's nothing there but this big
church, out in the middle of nowhere, with a copy of the
of Czestochowa.
where Chevron
right near Pannamaria, Texas,
It's
Madonna
has a big open-pit uranium mining operation that they're closing
down. "If
you get to San Antonio to see Stacey Merkt, you can get over
to Czestochowa,
no problem."
After the dinner clean-up, Adella, the sister from Boston, and
go outside singing.
in
There are oak trees and a Chinese
around on the grass I
sit
one of the
on the front
my
trailer houses.
A
on the ground and the
steps in
women and
children
handful of
steps. Adella translates
the guitar player, as
is
tallow, with chairs set
in a restful setting.
join a circle of people sitting
front of
I
back on the lawn where some of the refugees are
from Honduras.
I
and explains that Ricardo,
realize that he's the
same age
oldest son.
"You can
tell
who
the feeling Ricardo
is
is,"
while and
telling the truth after a
I
have
added Jack, a Litde Brother of the Good
Shepherd who's come to help. Ricardo plays La Bamba and pilgrimage in Poland
someone
With Adella and Jack's
help,
I
I
in
start to laugh.
Every day on the
our group would sing that song.
explained
how young
people in Poland
The Black Madonna, Our Lady of Czestochowa, Czestochowa, Texas. (Author)
"Hey hey
sing for a this
moment
la
bamba, hey hey
la
bamba ..." and we
all
laughed
to think of people in a country so far away, singing
same song and dancing. Ricardo spoke a
the guitar.
little
English and said,
"You
play?" offering
me
LONGING FOR DARKNESS
258
"Un
poquito, "
one song about
I
muy poquito, very
assure him, "un
in Spanish, in Ladino, let
how
me
little,
but
sing that." Bibilicos
is
know
I
a song
the world suffers for love.
For as long as the song lasted makeshift community, then
was
it
I
was part of
A
over.
clapped politely. Others had no interest. guitar. Adella
this
patchwork of
few people smiled and
handed Ricardo back the
I
nudged me.
"It's late, after ten.
I
have to get up
early.
What
time are you
going over to the shrine in the morning?" "Early. Let's go. I'm tired, too."
We
and walk back toward the main house,
and good luck."
buenos noches. Gracias, Ricardo,
As we're walking back
say goodnight to everyone calling out, "Hasta manana,
in the soft night air, Adella tells
me
that
Ricardo just found out that the INS was going to deport him because of an error his
made while
filling
mistake but a volunteer's
out the forms. Apparendy
who was
helping him.
It
it
wasn't
happens, she
says.
So many refugees arrive penniless, either robbed along the way,
their
money
make
extorted, or having had to spend everything just to
the trip across Mexico. There
is
only one group in the Valley that
and they are badly
offers free legal aid, Vroyecto Libertad in Harlingen,
overloaded. 7 Ricardo believes that
he's sent back to
he'll
be killed
if
and
start the
paperwork
Honduras, so he's very anxious. "He's going to try to fight
it
again. He's applied for political asylum," she said.
morning. I'm
in the
room
at the
end of the
hall
all
over
"See you in the
downstairs
if
you
need anything. Goodnight." I
was given
a
room
at the top
of the
conditioner and told to be sure to turn
used
it.
The room was
clean, simple,
and the windows had been closed not on, but
I
all
stairs it
and day.
quickly found the switch.
It
with a
off in the
stifling hot. It
The
air
window
morning
air if
I
faced west
conditioner was
was an older
unit,
but
it
worked. There were two single beds freshly made, one covered with a
homemade
been
laid
quilt.
A
towel, a washcloth, and a fresh bar of soap had
neady on top of
it.
I
felt
welcomed.
MADONNA'S FACE
THE The Shrine of the
me
what brought Before
back as I'm walking
Ask
the highway.
charge. He'll help
modern
large
on
pilgrims walk
I
as she
down
as
goes out the door to work, Marian
the
stairs,
"You
and
in the pot,"
shrine
is full
the
Some
the aisles to the Madonna. She tall,
service
but set dramatically in the
is
is
going on
the focal point for
when
I
arrive, the
half full with people praying quietly, lighting candles. Confes-
is
sions are being heard, so Father Pete
genuflect and kneel
Virgin.
know about
of people coming and going.
down
than two feet
Though no
to
she's gone.
center of a large circle over the main altar that
I
calls
from
can't miss the shrine
for Father Pete Cortez, he's the priest there in
tiny, this one, less
shrine
that's
Tomorrow.
asleep.
have to see her.
their knees
the entire church.
The Madonna,
fall
I
you with whatever you want
Madonna. Hot coffee
is
keep thinking
I
see anything else,
I
The next morning
The
Virgen de San Juan del Valle.
here,
259
I
am
down
in
is
relieved that Pete Cortez
working through where refugee shelter,
now
this root
is
not available.
I
at this
am
still
system has led me: South Texas, a
Madonna
this
not available.
one of the pews to look
in front of
me. Morenita, the
little
dark one. She has long black hair that flows over her satin robes, Spanish-style. She stands alone, without the Christ Child,
cent
on
moon, Our Lady of the Immaculate Conception, La
Mary Most Pure,
as the
Immaculate Conception
is
a cres-
Purisima,
also called in
Mexico. In 1519, the Spaniard Cortes placed a statue of the
Conception
at
what had been the
when he landed
at
site
Immaculate
Mayan moon goddess Mexican Madonnas are
of the
Cozumel. Many of the
the Immaculate Conception, characteristically portrayed standing a crescent
moon, 8
linking her both with the
the Apocalypse and the
moon
woman
in the
on
Book of
goddess of pre-Columbian Mexico.
LONGING FOR DARKNESS
260
wandered around the shrine and found the room
I
side
off to the
where there were thousands of photographs people had sent
in
thanks to the Virgin for their healing or her answer to their prayers. Similar to the ex-votos or retablos along the back walls of the monastery
of healing by the Virgin,
at Einsiedeln, paintings depicting the miracle
the photographs practice.
were
a
There were
more contemporary
milagritos
—
little
expression of this ancient
metal charms of arms,
legs,
hands, hearts, eyes, different parts of the body that had been healed
or needed healing
—
just as
on the
Madonna's shrine
walls in the
Czestochowa. There were also actual crutches and leg braces,
around in the
St. Sara's
like
statue in the crypt of Les-Saintes-Maries-de-la-Mer
Camargue,
timonial,
at
as well as sports trophies, ribbons, letters of tes-
and beautiful shiny long dark braids of hair that had been
cut off straight, at the nape of the neck.
As
came around
I
a corner, Father Pete
confessional, a short, energetic
askew from the myself.
he told
The
I
liked
me
heat.
a little
his collar slightly
big smile spread across his face as
him immediately. He about
invited
me
this particular statue
I
introduced
into his office
where
of the Madonna.
story of the Virgin of San Juan goes back to 1623 in
was then known Jalisco,
A
was walking out of the
man with a mustache,
as the village
of San Juan de
los
what
Lagos Moreno in
Mexico. Spanish missionaries had built an adobe shrine for
Our Lady of
the Immaculate Conception there shortly after they
arrived in Mexico. This Virgin of San Juan of the Valley
is
a
copy of
the one in Jalisco.
According to seventeenth-century legend, a family of traveling acrobats were in the village of San Juan de los Lagos in Mexico
One
of the young daughters
fell
to her
death on pointed daggers below. The child was taken into a
home
rehearsing for a performance.
and
lay dead,
women
her body being prepared for burial,
placed the statue over the girl
when an
Indian
entered the house carrying the statue of the Virgin. As she
was restored to Thereafter
girl's
body and prayed
to Mary, the
young
life.
this Virgen de San
Juan de
los
Lagos
was beloved by the
,
MADONNA'S FACE
THE villagers
and became renowned throughout Mexico
worker. The story breaks into devotion to this Virgin
member
Spain,
is
as a miracle-
when
version
the
brought to Texas. Father Jose Aspiazu from
of the Oblate fathers, to which Pete Cortez, O.M.I.
belongs as well, was the
begun
more than one
261
first
pastor of the San Juan Catholic Mission,
in 1949.
Early in the 1940s,
Mexican Americans
in the Valley
had begun
to make,the long and sometimes dangerous journey to Jalisco, Mexico,
to
make
a pilgrimage to the Virgin of San Juan.
To
save
them
this
journey, he told me, Father Aspiazu ordered a replica of the statue
made
to be
Mexico and subsequendy established the now-famous
in
shrine to her in the Texas Valley,
A
first
dedicated in 1954.
second version of the story intrigued
me
more. Around 1940,
an image of the Virgin was reported to be growing out of a rock northeast of San Juan, Texas. People started bringing candles and
going there to pray.
The Church did not approve of
devotion to the rock Virgin in the
fields.
Bringing the
the growing
Madonna de
Lagos from Mexico brought the faithful back into the parish
los
church.
However the devotion
now
Valley,
it is
site for
many,
to her
came
well established and has
especially
to be in the Rio
become
Mexican Americans from
a
Grande
major pilgrimage
all
over the United
States.
After visiting with Father Pete,
I
met Pedro Rodriguez, the head
who had been with this church for thirtytold me the strange story of the shrine's de-
sacristan at the shrine,
two
years.
Rodriguez
struction in
October 1970, when a crazed single-engine plane
pilot
radioed the control tower saying that he was going to destroy the church. In kamikaze fashion the pilot headed straight for the church
tower, having timed his attack to coincide with a special mass that
was being concelebrated by was
in session
pilot
on
priests
from
all
over the diocese. School
and the attached building was
full
of children. The
crashed into the tower, killing himself and setting the church
fire.
"I
helped the priests save the statue of
Our
Lady," Pedro told
LONGING FOR DARKNESS
262
me.
"It
was eleven
were over forty
came down was
in flames all
morning when
happened. There
it
church to celebrate mass. The
around
us.
ceiling
The school lunchroom next door
of children, but nobody was hurt except for the
full
was a
forty-five in the
priests in the
pilot.
It
miracle.'
The old
shrine
went by with
was completely destroyed by the
activities in a
crash. Years
temporary structure while donations from
the people, primarily migrant workers, steadily accumulated to build this striking,
much
two thou-
thousand people
19, 1980. Fifteen
more in the summer months. this Madonna has a special relationship
the shrine each weekend,
Rodriguez explained that with the migrant workers. that
larger shrine, seating nearly
which was dedicated on April
sand, visit
new, and
poured
It
was
their nickels, dimes,
in to build this shrine.
and
dollars
They marched with the Virgin
of San Juan de los Lagos on their banner to the state capitol in Austin. Before they leave for the fields
or the West, ritual
many come
and orchards of the North
here with their family to light a candle, a
repeated upon return. Father Pete had mentioned this too,
spoken of seeing families sleeping overnight
and
after their journeys as
to light a candle
and fulfill
The
life
and
cars, before
visit to la Virgen,
a promesa, give thanks for a prayer answered.
The strength of the workers' devotion Cortez, opened his heart
in trucks
migrant workers, to pay a
more
of the migrant worker
is
in turn taught Father Pete
to see, as
it
did mine in his
hard with often
water, plumbing, or decent housing.
little
telling.
or no drinking
He knows, Pedro
Rodriguez
assured me, for he was once a migrant worker himself.
Walking out of the shrine
in the early evening,
I
winds that seem to prevail here. At 8:00 p.m., F.
Driving back to the Casa de
gives off
its
last
la
am
hit
by the strong
it is still
Merced, a pale gold
nearly blinding light as
it
sets
92 degrees ball
of sun
over the brown,
MADONNA'S FACE
THE furrowed
behind the palm
fields,
now, the land
crickets are quiet
deserted as
I
trees,
beyond the mesquite. The
for miles
lies flat
speed along. By the Mile 3 road
a perfect fiery ball of
half glitters gold
and
The driveway
263
and
sign, the
miles, the road
sun has become
molten orange. By Mile 4 Road, only the top by Mile
bright;
at the
Casa
is
5, it is
gone.
lined with crimson red and pale pink
oleanders in bloom, the ash trees surrounding the house electric with
buzzing of insects. Marian's dogs bark as
I
walk up to the screen
porch.
"Had any supper
yet?" she asks as
excited about the parallels
I
see
I
walk into the kitchen.
between the Madonna de
a similar role for Solidarity in Poland.
points out at least
one major
am
Lagos
Madonna of Czes-
being a patron of the migrant workers and the
tochowa having
los
I
Marian quickly
"Americans consider unions
difference.
heroic in Poland, but not in the United States," she says without expression, and changes the subject.
Four more people arrived today,
this
time from Guatemala. Over
supper Marian attempts to explain the INS system for the Valley,
one that was unique
in the nation.
Those who applied
directly to INS, if considered eligible,
for
were permitted to
asylum
travel to
the city of their destination for the processing of their application.
Those
who were apprehended and
to travel as well. This
was
all
able to post
bond were allowed
standard procedure.
What was unique
about the policy in South Texas, Marian explains, was that refugees
who were
unable to post bond were required to stay in the Rio
Grande Valley
until their hearing, a process
three to four months, sometimes
became
up
which could
easily take
to five or six as the court systems
increasingly clogged.
While on the surface a refugee
on
illegal aliens
their
own
it
might have seemed a kindness to release
recognizance, because they were classified as
they were not permitted to work. The policy created
increasing hardships as the
Unable to meet the
numbers of people grew
financial
rapidly.
requirements of a bond, ranging
anywhere from $500 up to $7,000, growing numbers of people not
LONGING FOR DARKNESS
264
permitted to leave or to work were stranded in the Valley. In addition
were untold numbers who had
to those unable to post bond, there
who were
not been apprehended
caught in the net, complete with
road blocks, as well. Total estimates ran into the thousands.
By the following winter, with two thousand people even those
The
who had
a
week
ap-
They would no longer allow
plying for asylum, INS policy changed.
properly applied to leave the Valley.
when
story broke into nationwide headlines
Refugee Rights Project in San Francisco against the attorney general
the National
filed a class -action challenge
and INS. 9 The
result
was that over twelve
thousand refugees were allowed to leave the Valley and travel January 1989. 10 But INS changed detaining everyone
them
who
its
policies again
applied, even those
in
and went to simply
who had approached
voluntarily.
By the end of winter, fleeing Central
early 1989, nearly five thousand of those
America would be detained by the INS. The
corralon,
detention center, would be overflowing, and circus-size tents and
Red Cross
shelters
that turned the
The
would be
set
up
to
accommodate the overflow
Rio Grande Valley into a
situation in the Rio
state of chaos.
Grande Valley would deteriorate
to the
point that the Texas Conference of Churches and the Catholic Bishops
of Texas would publicly denounce the newest INS plan to stop the flow of refugees as "the largest concentration the Japanese- Americans
Bishop John plight that
J.
would
Fitzpatrick of Brownsville exist
"These are people
U.S.
soil
since II."
summarized the refugee
by spring.
who
tured, had family killed.
camp on
were incarcerated during World War
have been impoverished, terrorized, tor-
They
are fleeing civil wars. Great
numbers
of the civilian populations have been killed in these countries. Their
economies are ruined. They get here and they're not allowed to work, they're not allowed to leave this
INS
district,
and they're given no
food.
"There are two roads out of South Texas. Both have roadblocks at
which every bus, truck, and car
is
stopped and checked. Road-
MADONNA'S FACE
THE
United
blocks. Inside the
Grande.
The border
States.
no longer the Rio
is
been moved sixtv miles north of Brownsville.
It's
"The Central American Bishops have asked us sisting that the
We
change
a
to continue in-
United States stav out of their countries. Thev must
be self-determined.
must have
265
We
support the Bishops of Central America.
policv in the State Department," Bishop
in
Fitzpatrick said adamantlv."
numbers of people were deported without being
Increasing
formed of elemental
legal rights.
12
The court found
that
in-
"INS had
beaten, drugged, stripped, threatened, lied to and otherwise coerced
Salvadorans into waiving their right to seek political asvlum" and
ordered INS to see to telephones.
13
it
that people
had access to
Contempt proceedings would be
counsel and
legal
instituted against the
INS 14 by March 1989. At issue was the internationallv recognized right to seek asvlum. 15
The
that persons
who
have refugee status have the right not to be de-
ported. In 1987, a landmark U.S. Cardoza-Fonseca,
been applving
in
Supreme Court
decision, INS
v.
considerablv broadened the standard the INS had
determining refugee
the asvlum application
than on the
political
U.S. Refugee Act of 1980 gave recognition to the fact
more
on
status.
The 1987
decision bases
"well-founded fear of persecution" rather
a
proof of clear probabilitv. 16 But
difficult
as
Bishop
Fitzpatrick said, to admit that these people deserve the status of
refugees or political asvlum
means acknowledging
failure
in
U.S.
foreign policv.
When
Stacey Merkt was indicted, she gave a statement that
read years ago and have never forgotten: will
have no excuse.
never heard, the door." 17 I
I
was
I
will
—
T
United States
never be able to that
we
Her words troubled me
in the Valley,
had been
We
never knew'
"W e
set a
sav,
house on
then, and
now
never saw,
fire
in Poland, seen the
government was doing
in the
I
and locked
even more that
beginning to understand what she meant.
Now
camps. Her unspoken allusion to
Germans of the Third Reich who claimed thev their
'I
I
citizens
1930s and 1940s
didn't finallv
know what penetrated.
LONGING FOR DARKNESS
266
had come to see the Madonna de
I
dark one, but
I
Valley had rapidly as
los Lagos, morenita, the little
was being shown something
become
else.
The work
a matter of listening, not looking.
though the Madonna had led
me
there, only to point to
in the It
was
some-
thing else.
At dinner
I
across
sit
from
Sister Alberta, a gray-haired, soft-
spoken nun with a Spanish accent from her years of America. Sister Alberta offers to translate for to hear first-hand
she
still
works
why
people are
fleeing.
me
time on behalf of the poor.
full
her name. She
still
The overhead us as
we
chair
I
sit
can begin
A woman is
from
El
too afraid to give
fan whirrs softly, stirring the
warm night air around
enclosed on the screened porch after dinner. The metal
seems so
The woman begins "She
I
sixty years old,
has family there.
with every move. Crickets chirp
in squeaks
sit
El Salvador
so that
At over
Salvador has agreed to talk with us, though she
living in Central
tells
far
in the grass.
away from the languor of this summer
night.
in rapid-fire Spanish. Sister Alberta translates.
you that there
Salvador. She lived in a zone
were kidnappings, bombings
is
much
where
—
it
is
poverty and danger in El
was impossible to
was impossible to
says that the guerrillas are trying to protect the
army and the death squads, but they
live.
There
stay there.
She
poor against the
are often crushed by the land-
owners, the army, and the government."
The woman goes on air in a
in Spanish,
gesture of frustration.
throwing her hands up
in the
"Where can we go? we asked ourselves.
There was nothing for us to do but leave." "She said that even the very young boys have to go to the army
now even
sell,"
Alberta turns to
about their children.
children,
it's
horrible.
Alberta says.
me
to explain. "These people worry
We
all
the time
have no idea of the suffering that they are
going through in their minds. they
many
before fifteen. They kidnap
Some they even
I
know.
I
know what
kind of country
left.
"I
was
in
Guatemala and there are many from Guatemala here.
MADONNA'S FACE
THE I
left in
1982.
You would
find
it
the people they kidnapped, so
hard to believe
many
how
a truck
and take them
they tortured
children," Sister Alberta said,
putting her face in her hands, "even old ladies, they
on
267
just to rape them.
It
would put them
was unbelievable!
know Guatemala. "One day they took about sixty men to a certain countryside. Then they cut off their arms and legs and lived in
I
these things firsthand.
I
place in the left
them
to
die just like that.
"They took nearly one hundred people another families.
The men had
and then they shot
to dig their graves
men. The children had to watch
Whole
time.
their fathers being shot
all
the
and the
wives had to cover the dead husbands. "I
worked with the poorest people, the ones who
ravines, the hopelessly
poor and the drug
addicts.
lived in the
But even
bothered the authorities, was an offense. People began to that the police
protection.
were looking
torturing Sisters, too.
into hiding in a big convent, but every convent
belonged to a team of Guatemalans
I
I
decided to leave.
was
I
didn't
who worked
now was I
Many
had
I
went
spies around.
I
with the poor, but
a danger to them. That's
want anybody
sixty years old then.
me
me. Being a nun was no longer any
for
They were kidnapping and
they became afraid because
tell
this
when
to be hurt because of me.
thousands have been killed in
Guatemala. 18
"Now
it
The next day
seems that the worst place
I
is
El Salvador."
drove to Harlingen to Proyecto
Libertad,
the one source
of free legal aid for the refugees. Founded in 1983 by attorney Lisa
Brodyaga, Proyecto had nine thousand open
were three lawyers and secretarial
and volunteer
five paralegals,
staff to
at the time.
There
with the support of small
handle the crushing load.
Jim Cushman, one of the paralegals offices.
files
at Proyecto,
showed me the
Jim was particularly concerned about the children being held
in detention.
LONGING FOR DARKNESS
268
"They can be held
Most of the
indefinitely.
kids are fourteen to
seventeen years old, though sometimes they're younger,
the
like
seven-year-old that was brought in this week. Immigration [INS] had the attitude that they're defending our national security.
the CIA, with
like
will
do
in
files,
bad
Proyecto offices,
two couches of refugee
families.
I
them
deniability'
client." files,
so
full
else to pass, past
was going to meet Brenda Sanchez.
Brenda was the former Lutheran Church worker in the car the night Stacey
find
I
crammed with
one had to turn sideways to allow someone
that
was
faith.
you and your
as little as possible to help
walked through the
I
they share
hard to deal with, they have an attitude of 'plausible
really
and
whom
They operate
Merkt was
in El Salvador
who
arrested.
Stacey Merkt pleaded innocent. She was adopted by Amnesty International as a Prisoner of Conscience for her refusal to plead
She was indicted on a
guilty.
legal technicality that
In a subsequent incident she
was
later dismissed.
was ordered by the judge
to prison.
She voluntarily surrendered herself to a prison term while pregnant in 1987.
She was the
first
person in the United States convicted for
participating in the Sanctuary
Brenda speaks English but
movement. 19 is
more comfortable
athon Moore volunteered to translate. Brenda's voice
in Spanish. Jonis
soft
but firm.
Jonathon's sentence-by-sentence translation echoes and gives a res-
onance to her words.
was going home," she
"I
the school.
was fourteen.
I
from there to where that time.
I
I
casa,
got out of
had to take the
was known
It
"mi
said,
I
my bus.
had to get the bus from school.
It
was yet miles
There was a march
at
that after a march, the military comes,
repression occurs. "It ditions. ers.
was
a peaceful
Everybody was out on the
But that time when
bullets whine.
open. it
demonstration asking for better
When
I
So
I
went
was, he pulled
I
streets
was heading
ran to a garage, inside,
down
it
was
it
full
— home, we
for
living
con-
peasants, students, teach-
began to hear
was the only thing
that
was
of people. Whoever's garage
the metal gate in front just after
I
ran inside.
MADONNA'S FACE
THE
269
"He was looking outside through a crack to see what was going He was telling the rest of us what was happening because the bullets kept raining. There is the National Police outside. They're shooting at the demonstrators.' He said to get back, a tank was coming down the street. It stopped. A soldier on top of the tank veiled for him to open the door because he knew there were people on.
inside.
"The
soldier
the garage, that
was saving that there were subversives hidden
someone had been shooting out of the
garage,
in
which
wasn't true. Evervone started shouting, 'No!' But the soldier kept insisting in vulgar
language that they should open the door so that
thev could see that no one was armed. Finally they opened the door
none of us were armed.
so that the soldier could see that
"But the solider began shooting with
He
of the tank. just
opened "It
didn't ask anvthing
couldn't see
Mv
how many
flesh.
survived or
They used explosive
how many
floor. Pieces
blouse had been white.
"When
they opened the door, he
fire.
began to rain pieces of
was throw mvself down on the where.
machine gun from on top
a
when
Now
it
died.
bullets.
Only thing
I
I
did
of bodies were every-
was
red.
he finished shooting into the garage, he said that nothing
had happened here and the
happen there would
die.
first
person that said that something
Then he
left.
The tank
rolled
did
on down the
street.
crawled out from under the bodies around me.
and
I
ran back to school. This was about eleven-thirty in the morning.
I
"I
didn't get
My
home
to
familv thought
my
until
about eleven o'clock that night.
in the garage, before the
whose garage
it
tank had even come,
was had already had the
children go to the back and the
men
because there were people in front of
"The ones who died were old people, people
left
was dead.
I
"When we were the person
house
I
who had
in front. That's
me
in front, the
just
been
that
were
women and why lived, I
shot.
men, some students, some
in the streets
doing their
LONGING FOR DARKNESS
270
routine things of the day.
They hadn't
participated in the march,
they just happened to have been on the street, just the same as me, I
was going to catch the bus." Brenda
left El
Salvador in
December
"When we
1983.
was seven young people from the Lutheran Church.
woman and "A left
I
also
friend that
El Salvador.
old and five
A
had a one-year-old baby, I
my
grew up with was murdered not long before at
Her head was cut
she had been cut into parts.
womb
and cut into
off.
two
womb
morning
in the
week
until a
had been cut open,
Her baby had been taken out of her
When
parts, too.
dogs had already been eating
Her
I
was eighteen years
close friend, like a sister. She
months pregnant. They came
it
daughter Bessie.
and took her out of her house. She wasn't found later, outside.
left,
was the only
I
it.
the body was found, the
Fifteen days later they killed her
husband."
"The baby, the baby too?" was
all
I
could
say.
She nodded her
head and explained their offense.
"They were
Catholics.
Both belonged to
a Catholic base
who needed
munity. Her principal Christian mission was to help those it.
A young wounded man came
She bandaged
his
to her house
com-
and she helped him.
wound and gave him some of her husband's his name. He left.
clothes.
She had never even asked
"Three days
later
they
came
to
get
They
her.
killed
her
brother, too. "If a lot.
you are
a Christian there
She carried out her Christianity
"In El Salvador, before
more
On
and you
friends of ours,
this
were
we
left,
killed.
really practice,
and
in practice
it
costs
you
a crime.
it's
neighbors from our community,
This happened. This
same day they were looking
for Pedro,
were going to take him away but he wasn't
at
my
the truth.
is
husband; they
home when
they came
to look for him.
"The neighborhood was near the the community.
They
didn't let
air force base.
anybody go
They surrounded
in or out.
Between
midnight and two in the morning they began to knock on
specific
MADONNA'S FACE
THE They had
doors.
print of a
hand
a
Sometimes they marked your house with the
list.
had been dipped
that
271
warning. Leave or be killed.
white paint. That was a
in
The death squads of
El Salvador.
It
was
They took two women and three men. They
like their signature.
were looking for four men, Pedro was one of them, but he wasn't home. I
wasn't
I
home
either."
breathed a sigh of
Brenda went on
in
relief,
dug
in
my
bag for more Kleenex.
her simple, calm way, Jonathon
sitting
behind
her on the desk in this office the size of a closet, the only
empty
which we could speak
in
'They took
room
privately.
a girl fifteen, a girl eighteen
who was
pregnant six
months, another they took was a fourteen-year-old boy, then a sixteen-year-old boy, and a boy
who was
nearby. They raped the
to a football field
Then they took them they shot the three
They took them
nineteen. girls in
the football
to a public park in Ilyapango. In that park,
men and
when
The
the girls they continued to rape.
The
fifteen-year-old girl tried to run, so they shot her.
pregnant,
field.
girl that
was
they were through raping her, they put a gun up
her vagina and killed her and her baby."
"Wait "It
a minute,"
was on the
I
said naively, "this
saw everything but nobody saw
it,
they get
killed.
said anything. If
The
people have? Nada, nothing.
They
killed the
was
in public?"
plaza, si," said Brenda, "other people
men
somebody
soldiers have guns,
The person with
at five in the
saw
it.
They
says that they
and what do the
the
gun has power.
morning while everybody was
going out to work."
"You left El Salvador in December 1983, and came to the States. You were caught, but now you are free?" "Not completely. We're still waiting for a deportation hearing." "She's
still
out on bond, waiting for a hearing here on her petition
for political asylum,"
"I'm
still
Jonathon explained.
waiting for
my
destiny." 20
Brenda and Jonathon were calm when she finished deeply shaken.
talking.
I
was
LONGING FOR DARKNESS
272
I
drove straight from Proyecto to the airport at Harlingen to get a
flight to
San Antonio.
I
came
by making wrong turns,
Merced
leaving Casa de la
map
of Harlingen in
north, or south. I
My
my
close to missing the late afternoon flight
was so disturbed by Brenda's story and
I
that morning.
hand
I
Though
I
kept checking a
could not orient myself
east, west,
sense of direction had temporarily evaporated.
returned the rental car as
if
bus to the airport, settling into
by accident and hopped on a shuttle
my
seat
on the
flight just in
time for
takeoff. I
was going to
stay in a house run
by Catholic
religious in
San
Antonio, then drive to Czestochowa, Texas, the next day to see the Black Madonna.
backyard
Sitting in the political
later in
San Antonio at dinner, nothing
was discussed. Everyone made small
talk, to
my relief.
Stacey
Merkt, her husband John Blatz, and their baby Daniel Guadalupe
were there to from
trial in
litde things I
with two church workers
Nicaragua.
Texas, but
tired of being
child.
visit
five years in
I
it.
Rarely have
people talk about,
my
just returned
talk.
She herself was
much
appreciated the
had no stomach for such
asked about
sank into
who had
had intended to ask Stacey about her
I
like the
I
so
weather and the weight of a
chair under the trees and watched with special
pleasure as baby Daniel gleefully ran after a rooster that lived in the
backyard.
The room beds,
no
I
dormitory-style. I
was given to sleep
air conditioning, It
was
in
an electric
clean, pleasant,
was invited to join the residents
before going to bed,
I
was simple, with two
single
bunk
beds,
fan,
and
and
a set of
hot.
for prayer in the morning. Just
walked into the study to ask what time we
would meet, and on the wall
I
saw
a poster of
Robert Lentz's icon
MADONNA'S FACE
THE of the
Madonna
for El Salvador,
Main
273
de los Desaparecidos, the
Mother
of the Disappeared.
Painted in the traditional Bvzantine or Greek icon stvle against the nontraditional backdrop of a Central
Man- was
of this dark brown-skinned the white handprint painting,
smudged
in the
jungle, the
when
I
image
noticed
lower left-hand corner of the
was brought up short and
I
American
stunning. But
a
felt
punch. "The
visceral
white hand," one of the death squads in El Salvador.
Brenda had told
on vour door.
paint
me how
imprint of a
will find the
If
vou
sometimes when vou are marked, vou
human hand
that's
been dipped
in
white
hand on vour door and vou do
find this
not leave, vou too will disappear.
The Madonna with the white hand of
a
death squad on her icon.
She too was marked, in solidaritv with the disappeared. Suddenlv
it
led to bv the
Madonna I'd come to see, this was what had been Madonna de los Lagos. Eventhing had not understood
began to
There's a point at which the spiritual and the political
hit.
This was the
fit.
intersect.
I
I
The icon of the Madre
de los Desapureados
exploded out of
that junction.
stared at this image for a long time before going back to
I
room
mv
to sleep.
It
occurred to
Man- was
me
was something
that there
so often depicted as a passive sufferer.
false I
about the way
no longer believed
that.
Man in
it,
that as a
but
Man
is
it
not passive. The image that we've been shown has truth is
a limited truth.
I
derived great comfort
was an earthlv mother, that she went through
teen-age mother, that she had
had borne
at least
one
child.
But Man's passivitv
a
A woman
ferocious
rising
pregnancy
homelessness, that she
She had witnessed that child's suffering
and death, she knew the depths of
see.
known
in the fact a
mav
be
all
a
mother's sorrow. that we've allowed ourselves to
up against authoritv,
a
woman
woman, an independent woman, an
strong and fearless, heroic
woman,
a
Madre de
los
Desaparecidos. (Robert Lentz)
MADONNA'S FACE
THE physically courageous
woman
—
not have served the social order.
to have seen I
Mary
and meditation.
I
way would
this
began to imagine Mary differendy.
imagined Mary as a fierce mother one morning
I
275
in
my
prayers
imagined her protecting Christ. The Mary
I
saw
stepped in front of his tormentors. She did not stand passively as he
made
way
his
to Golgotha, at
first
she hurled herself at the
wrench
soldiers, "Stop, stop, stop!" trying to
their
Roman
whips away from
them, then to remove his crown of thorns. She was fiercely protective
and she was greatly outnumbered. They shoved her away and formed a phalanx
around Christ.
She denounced the soldiers, she defied them. She did not
faint,
she was not helpless, she did not retreat, she was not polite. She was
tower of strength, she did not take her eyes off her Christ. She
a
walked with him, outside the phalanx of
soldiers.
She was
most
his
powerful witness, she suffered with him mentally and physically. This that
is
a
Mary we have not seen
in the
West. This
is
a
Mary
we need now, a fierce Mary, a terrific Mary, a fearsome Mary, who does not allow her children to be hunted, tortured,
a protectress
murdered, and devoured. "Mary, the poorest people, the most vulnerable, the weakest suffer the
"Why
asked.
We
lioness defending
her young,
"Show me your
see the
Mayo,
I
Mayo.
I
need a mother
I
is
terrible
when
see the
crossed.
face."
Abuelas de la Plaza del
Mothers of the Disappeared, Madres
imagine these
women
women
of
whom
I
de la Plaza del
have only read.
defied the Argentine military's ban
onstrations in April 1977,
know
who
to you?"
Would it be worse if they did who protects us, who is like a
Grandmothers of the Disappeared,
Fourteen
to
do they pray
don't you protect them?
not pray to you?
I
Why
most are devoted to you.
on dem-
and came to the Plaza del Mayo demanding
the whereabouts of their children and loved ones
who had
LONGING FOR DARKNESS
276
"disappeared." They were dismissed as crazy, called
"las Locos*'
The
Mothers refused to be intimidated. They did not go away.
The Mothers returned, every Thursday. By December 1977, they had become
a target of the military themselves in Argentina,
and
nine of their members, including a French nun, were taken away by
plainclothesmen after a meeting and never heard of again. They disappeared, along with thirty thousand other Argentinians.
The
Mothers returned to the Plaza to demonstrate the following Thursday. Nothing stopped them.
By 1984,
las Locas
had become national heroines. The Mothers of
the Disappeared had continued to demonstrate,
week
after
week,
year after year. Bearing witness, powerful witness, witness that has
become known around the world. military in
1
Las Madres.
Maria Acevedo's son and daughter were taken by the
In Chile,
984. Involved in demonstrations against the government
put in power by the CIA-backed military coup against Allende, her children
were targeted by the National
Police.
Maria and her husband Sebastian were kicked in the door and took
work
At
from
his
them
at the police stations
first
the police
The son they took
Maria and Sebastian went looking for
and military headquarters. They were not
the second day,
my
husband
himself in front of the church. ... to a cross
.
.
.
day, Sebastian
He The
arrest. Sebastian
He
said that
he wanted to crucify
asked the priests to
him
nail
but they would not. So at four o'clock on the third
Acevedo
set himself on fire in front of the church.
.
." 2I .
died that night. Sebastian
internationally
Acevedo Movement Against Torture has become
known
for
which Maria plays an
were
home when
increasingly distraught.
"On
in
at
their daughter.
Rape and torture often accompanied
to be found.
grew
place.
first
its
nonviolent direct-action groups in Chile,
active part. In 1987, her son
and daughter
released.
In El Salvador,
we
have CoMadres, Committee of Mothers and
Relatives of Political Prisoners, Disappeared
and Assassinated of
El
MADONNA'S FACE
THE
Salvador, inspired by the
awarded the 1 984 Robert
277
Grandmothers of Argentina. CoMadres was F.
Kennedy Memorial Human Rights Award
for its work on behalf of the disappeared and political El Salvador. Started on December 24, 1977, still they strating, protesting, witnessing, refusing to
prisoners of
demon-
are
accept that their children,
husbands, friends, and loved ones are neither dead nor
alive, "dis-
appeared."
The witness
one
is
who
does not despair or give up,
speak up and
will
looks,
who
does not turn away,
willing to be called upon,
who who
who will take an oath, who will help me God," to the community,
testify in public,
bind themselves to the truth, "so for the
is
who
community,
for without the witness there can be
no com-
munity. I
begin to understand the strength
step, to
be willing to see and to
appears that one In these
is
it
listen,
takes to
doing nothing.
women,
I
make even
even when
begin to see Mary's face.
it is
the
first
terrifying. It
"
Walesa's Prayer CiJonsk. Poland
"The path
Down
is
We
straight.
are at the edge.
in the village the little bell chimes.
Roosters on the fences greet the light
And
and happy.
the earth steams, fertile
"Here
dark.
it is still
Fog
like
a
river flood
Swaddles the black clumps of
bilberries.
But the dawn on bright
wades in from the shore
And
the ball
of
stilts
the sun, ringing,
rolls.
—
Czeslaw Milosz
1
California
September 1988 I
came back from Texas with these
are
many more than
and walked with them
What
is
one to do with
in the
Sister
my
life
in
278
in
my ears.
woke up with them
morning.
la
I
Merced, the
sharp perspective.
Marian Strohmeyer and
There
at night
could not unhear them.
My
House of Mercy, put the
admiration for people
Sister Alberta grew.
day with an awareness of which It
I
kind of knowing? The Mothers of the
this
Disappeared and the Casa de ease of
burning
stories
are told here.
I
They
like
lived every
held only the smallest fragment.
was easy to be outraged by what
I
had seen and heard and
WALESA'S PRAYER yet
knew
I
279
unequivocally that anger was part of the problem, not
the solution. Ultimately the problem isn't "them," be
it
the govern-
ment, the INS, Congress, anything or anyone objectified, separate or
The problem
outside.
my own
around
that there
is
lies
heart, lies in
all
injustice
will is
my own
an "other" that
"they" would change, then then
thinking that wants to imagine
enemy
the
is
It
outside myself.
all
will
be well. No.
be well, must be
my
position. This
to be tolerated nor that
be
will
I
that the solution begins with looking at
see so
grow
in the hardness that threatens to
my
only
If
I
will
If
only
change,
means neither
that
means simply
silent. It
part. Let the
change
was not easy to put the awareness and
received into practice.
I
failed often
spiritual teachings I've
and continue to do
so.
had no
I
easy answers to the enormous complexities of South Texas, but
had a new willingness to
The
live
greatest consolation
Project. This gave circle
I
needed begin with me.
me
with the questions that
I
brought up.
it
was the continued meetings of the Peace
hope. This was what
I
kept in front of me, a
of young people asking, together, what does
it
mean
to "be
peace"? Thich Nhat Hanh's question deepened.
When
the chance
came
to
go back to Poland
Poland had continued to reverberate through
I
my
eagerly accepted. life.
Without the
pilgrimage to Czestochowa, without the Black Madonna, without the
glimpse of Auschwitz,
would not have become part of the Peace
I
would not have stayed
at the Casa de la Merced in
South
Project,
I
Texas.
might have gotten a hotel room, driven out to the Shrine
at
I
San Juan and
to begin to see
left
the Valley, too blind and frightened to be willing
and hear what
Poland was shaking that the U.S.
I
did.
out of the nightmare of totalitarianism
seemed to be backing
was inspired by I
itself
my
friends in Poland
longed to see Dominik.
I
from sheer moral decay.
and what was happening
had had no time or inclination
pilgrimage was over and the
visit
I
there.
after the
to Auschwitz to inquire about the
pre-Christian culture at Jasna Gora. find
into
I
was
still
curious.
I
wanted to
Lech Walesa to ask about the Black Madonna. He wears
a
badge
LONGING FOR DARKNESS
280
with her picture on
everywhere. The pilgrimage the
it
summer before
had been a great show of resistance to the authorities and an outpouring of support for Solidarity while Solidarity was
still
outlawed.
Few seemed to know about or understand the relationship Black Madonna to Poland, Walesa, and Solidarity. I
wanted to go to Yugoslavia where the Virgin
is
reported to be
appearing now, like in the past at Fatima or Lourdes,
meet one of the
would not
Above and I
air,
I
visionaries
who
of the
I
wanted to
speak with her. The apparitions
last indefinitely. all,
I
wanted
to get to the surface.
I
needed perspective
was so uncomfortable, so saddened, so disturbed by what
had found
in Texas,
the situation.
packed and
What
left for
no matter how philosophically
saw and heard was wrong and
I
Poland
six
weeks
could view
I
was
it
tragic.
I
later, reeling.
Gdansk, Poland October
1988
"Yes," Monsignor Jankowsky said, "the Black Madonna.
You want
know about the Madonna and Solidarity. She is our patron, she Queen of the workers. This is a very special relationship, very important. The workers believe that she will take care of them in to is
the
every situation. This devotion
developments, Poland
"Now
it
is
very important. She
movement and now
the Solidarity
finally
the hope of
has a chance.
most important
is
is
today, with the latest political
to act, not to say.
change the situation here in Poland," he
tells
me;
"it
Words cannot is
very difficult
now, but the Polish people are powerful.
"Send Poland your moral support. The change one can stop
it.
Czestochowa's Madonna
helps us to live here.
It's
a sanctuary in
is
sanctuary.
We
makes
this
church
in
which
Gdansk
draw our strength from
it.
inevitable.
No
a great symbol, which
protection. In this northern part of Poland, the in St. Brygid's
is
millions of people get
copy of the Madonna
like a small
Czestochowa
Zxk&»& *U;„^-~
%m& ite*&Si
'
^^ SKff ~w
S,rr A j(,\ ^fefcy '
J
:«fS*r .,,«_.
_->.-
'•'&t±j-
S*Sl&rfSC%»fcfl
STflH q
5*
S"
UP
1
1988 and
Czestoc/iowa pilgrimage
"Come Thursday Walesa about
Hi
Bii'if
OTN/CV
Solidarity banners.
(Photographer unknown)
one- thirty and you can speak directly with
at
this."
Lech Walesa's devotion to the Black Madonna was well known within Poland, but
I
could find no way to arrange a meeting with him from
the United States to ask I
him about
Solidarity
it.
was
still
oudawed.
conferred with a Polish friend. "Just go to
St.
Brygid's
told me.
"You must ask
want to
talk to
for
Church
in
Gdansk," Wiktor Osiantinski
Monsignor Jankowsky.
Tell
him
that
you
Walesa about the Madonna and see what happens,"
he said in his characteristically understated fashion.
"You
will stay
writer too, she It's
with us
in
Warsaw.
knows everyone.
very simple what you must do.
If
Go
Call
my
wife Ewa. She's a
anyone can help you, she can. to
Gdansk and
find
St.
Brygid's,
LONGING FOR DARKNESS
282
and ask for Jankowsky. Maybe he
that's Solidarity headquarters,
be there, maybe not.
be up to him whether or not you see
will
It
will
Walesa."
Having been
would work Poland in
Poland before,
in
out,
The
sensed.
I
exceedingly generous.
is
Warsaw and go
to
I
knew he was
wanted
I
to see
Everything
right.
hospitality provided
by people
Dominik and
Gdansk no matter what. Whether
I
in
friends
got to see
Walesa or not was not so important. Go. See what happens.
joined a small group for the
I
first
part
of the journey.
As
became more complicated
life
of the government in power,
One had
forward.
it
in
Poland with the crumbling
simultaneously became
correspondence with people
in Poland,
more
no getting through
headquarters, might be tapped. Mail was oftened opened
to
in
Poland was enormous, something on the
an Arctic glacier breaking loose in a surge and suddenly
traveling at a
of a glacial
hundred times
dam
icebergs, water, Solidarity,
that
and
about to loose massive roaring torrents of
debris. at the bargaining table
with the
Agreement had been reached
to hold roundtable
no one could agree under what circumstances they would
take place.
It
Gdansk with
was
a stunning development.
its Stare
Miasto, the old city,
and medieval buildings
much
normal speed or the pending breakup
headed by Rakowski, an arch enemy of Solidarity's
in the early eighties. talks, yet
is
its
oudawed, was
still
Polish government,
had
Wiktor
the contact direcdy.
What was happening scale of
still.
There was nothing to do but go to Gdansk and attempt
right.
make
secretaries,
or answering machines. Phones, especially at Solidarity
assistants,
was
straight-
was no lengthy advance
to act direcdy. There
now
with
its
graceful fountains
reconstructed along the Vistula River
historical significance.
I
wanted
to find St. Brygid's. Every
time Solidarity or anything remotely political was brought up, our
WALESA'S PRAYER government guide would change the
Warsaw, we had passed
a large
subject.
demonstration
283
The day before
in
Warsaw
in front of the
City Hall with police ringing hundreds of protesters waving banners,
and people
still
pouring in from side streets to join the gathering.
we drove through
As
the middle of the crowd-filled street in our
Mercedes-Benz tour bus, our guide tried to convince us
it
was
a
student prank, to be taken as a joke.
The country was on the The discrepancy between what I could see
The buildup of pressure was verge of breaking apart.
my own
with
I
wanted to grab him by the shoulders and
"Are you crazy? Surely you see what's happening?
we
that
can't?" Officially
the obvious. Best to find
it
seemed
St.
its
location.
I
went up
Soon
a
in
to anyone
my
on
own,
I
decided, and
Gdansk, not having any sense of
who
looked friendly and
young couple overheard
to the door, only a
Do you imagine
that he could not acknowledge
Brygid's
walked off alone that afternoon
Brygid's?"
made me
eyes and our guide's official description
increasingly tense, until say,
palpable.
said, "St.
me and walked me
direcdy
few blocks away from the market where we
stood.
At
St.
Brygid's there
was noticeable enthusiasm
in the
crowds of
people going in and out of the church. Flags fluttered in the strings of
them suspended from the church
spire to the
a country fair or Tibetan prayer flags. People milled
air,
ground
long like
around outside
the entry, while inside the church the sale of Solidarity souvenirs
went on
briskly in the back.
where
might find
I
I
this
There
I
was
able to get directions as to
Monsignor Jankowsky.
went out of the church and around
rang the
bell,
to the parish house
not knowing what to expect. Within moments
ushered in to wait while the housekeeper found someone speak English. time later
I
Someone came, we
talked,
was told that Jankowsky was
More people came into was ushered into a vistors' room
I
in
who
I
and
was
could
waited again, then some
and would see me. Please
be seated.
the hallway. Within half an hour,
I
as three
hands, walked out.
men, smiling and shaking
LONGING FOR DARKNESS
284
Monsignor Jankowsky was
rimmed
glasses.
motioned sat
down
me
to
across
He was not sit down in
a large, portly
man, with gold wire-
sure of the purpose of a large carved black
on the black
No.
He spoke I
table
where we
sat.
very litde English, so
pulled out pictures of the
in Polish,
He bounced
in a state
called
and
chair
the cut-glass
I
Madonna of
up, walked out of the
and soon returned with
flag, in
asked
Jasna Gora and the
He understood someroom
saying something
young man who spoke English
a
more fluendy and could translate for us. The new cabinet was to be announced was
wooden
he
me if spoke German. explaining my visit was difficult. He
pilgrimage and he smiled, no words required. thing now.
visit as
from me, looking slighdy puzzled. There were red
and white carnations, the colors of the Polish vase
my
that week. Everything
of flux. There were talks of strikes everywhere, whether
by Walesa or not. Young workers were fed up.
clear that they
It
was not
would follow Walesa. The government made
ening statements about not allowing anarchy. Poland's
threat-
mood was
volatile.
Yes,
Jankowsky promised me,
for fifteeen, perhaps
agreed.
Once
twenty minutes, the following Thursday.
the group tour
is
over
the 700-kilometer round trip from at the
could speak with Walesa alone
I
I
will
Warsaw
somehow have to Gdansk.
to
It is
make
The phones
church were out of order and there was no indication of when
they might be fixed. His translator ventured, 'The government?
Maybe they cut the phones off, maybe they just are broken. No way to know. No way to confirm the appointment. Just come." I thank the good Monsignor and his translator and take my leave. The hallway is
full
of people waiting to see Jankowsky.
The next morning we went shipyards, built in
memory
1970s and 1980s.
Formed
to the Solidarity
of those in
who
monument by
the Lenin
died in the strikes of the
the turmoil of August
1980
as
an
expression of the cooperation between the steel mill workers and
WALESA'S PRAYER the shipyard workers, Solidarity
To
about Solidarity and what set
No
was not
begin to understand Poland
I
285
just another political party.
had to learn something more
apart from other political movements.
it
matter what would happen in the future, Solidarity had had an
impact on the country and
irreversible
its rise
was
instructive. Jon-
athan Schell's essay on Solidarity and interview with one of
Adam
architects,
Michnik,
instructive.
is
life
Rather than
which to
in
chief
nonviolence and the arena
Solidarity's genius lay in its choice of
of everyday
its
2
resist the authorities, Schell points out.
resist the totalitarianism
and repression of the Polish
government with an equallv violent response,
Solidarity completely
sidestepped the usual revolutionary process.
Michnik's finely honed philosophy was grounded in his
own
Often he wrote from prison. The philosophy he articulated
actions.
was direct and straightforward. ".
.
start
.
doing the things you think should be done, and start
being what you think society should become.
speech?
Then speak
you believe in a
in
freely.
Do you
love the truth?
an open society? Then act
humane
decent and
society?
Do you
believe in free
Then
in the open.
tell
Do you
it.
Do
believe
Then behave decendy and hu-
manely."
When KOR,
the
Workers Defense Committee and spearhead of
the democratic opposition,
was founded
public statement of purpose to
in 1976,
which they
members wrote
affixed their names,
a
phone
numbers, and addresses, an unheard-of action for the opposition of a totalitarian regime. Early on,
and trust
a
political situation,
with the danger of
the secret police, they their
KOR
made openness,
truthfulness,
matter of policy. This was not naive idealism. In their
knew
movement. They chose
that fear trust,
infiltration
by informers and
and suspicion would destroy
within the bounds of
sense, as a matter of public policy. This
common
was the kind of building
block out of which Solidarity was constructed.
Despite the declaration of martial law in Poland in 1982 and the
banning of Solidarity, resistance continued and grew.
When
Michnik
LONGING FPU DARKNESS
286
was released from prison people in Poland sistance
he found
in 1984,
more than
dreams of a
free
exceeded, he told Schell. Re-
fulfilled,
and repression existed
his
side by side. People
were arrested but
not intimidated. Poles refused to consider themselves defeated by the government, despite tremendous repression, and so they were
not defeated. This affirmation of autonomy and decency in the face of repression seems to be key to the survival and to the future successes,
whatever they might be, of
Solidarity. This acting "as if"
they were a free people, coupled with the violence, helped bring Solidarity into
The
policy of nonviolence also
its
strict discipline
of non-
position of strength.
made
it
possible to have the
support of the Church, Jankowsky told me, so crucial to the opposition^ survival.
The Madonna of Czestochowa had long symbolized
the triumph of a free Polish spirit against icon of the Black in
Madonna
at
all
odds.
A
Poland during martial law but
it
sparked so
much
dom
Czestochowa Madonna
is
villages
resistance that
the authorities placed the painting under house arrest. religious symbol, the
copy of the
Czestochowa circulated through
More than
a
an archetype of free-
in the Polish psyche.
The sense of freedom here being in Poland because
and person
I've
isn't unfamiliar.
is
building rapidly. In part,
been here before. Every
I
feel freer
single situation
But the other part belongs to Poland.
As the economic system and the government's authority continue to break down, something else opens up. Exhilaration, confusion, sor-
row, frustration, excitement, exhaustion, ignation, I
all
mixed together,
returned to
Warsaw
linger
and
fill
relief,
the
early the next morning.
Professor Andrzej Wiercinski kindly received first
day of classes for the
cynicism, and res-
air.
fall
me
in his office
on the
semester, amidst the busde of student
conferences and scheduling changes.
I
make my way
to his office
WALESA'S PRAYER
287
hoping that, as an anthropologist at the University of Warsaw, he
me
will tell
about pre-Christian use of the
of Jasna Gora.
site
is a man of medium height with wavy white hair and He wears a white coat like a physician. He tells me that he yet made a god of his health and smokes heavily, do mind?
Wiercinski glasses.
has not I
am
I
and
in his office
feel that
can only say that
I
don't, but he
I
make me
kind enough not to light up during our conversation and
prove
is
it.
He
has
no
interest in the pre-Christian Slavic culture,
me blundy when
him about the
ask
I
site
he assures me, was very patriarchal. in the
Great Mother Goddess, he
the Hymns thrust back
"She
Goddess
to the
on what
I
of Jasna Gora. Slavic culture,
He
interested in Hinduism,
is
says, pulling
from the Sanskrit
down
a translation of
off his bookshelf.
I
am
already know.
ruin you
will
he informs
if
you devote yourself
seriously
to
this
problem," he says ruefully. I
do not know what he means by
rather than
condemned by
territory, at least for myself.
I
fit
both liberating and disorienting.
need for approval, the desire to I
don't belong.
I
remark.
this
this pursuit.
I
know
I
am
felt
in
delivered
unmarked
nowhere and everywhere. This begin to discover the depth of
fit in,
is
my
to be a part of, to belong, but
search for a label that
I
have
I
that
I
can grab onto but there
one.
isn't
Perhaps this
is
what Wiercinski meant:
to seek and to worship
these images of divinity, to claim the darkness as well as the light of
the
Buddha Tara, of Mary, of God the Mother,
against
But
Western
this
is
My enemy
culture,
fight,
just as
to pit myself direcdy
soon she was
left out.
old thinking again, to see myself embattled, in conflict. is
my own way
experience. There
must
which would
is
there
is
is
my own
not a person or an institution outside that
only
The dream of the
of ignoring the authority of
my own
Dalai Lama:
for you, not the Dalai
I
thinking.
no one can
verify
Lama, not the Pope, not
all
your experience the professors,
lamas, rinpoches, teachers, friends, family, or people one considers
LONGING FOR DARKNESS
288
wise in the world. There
only the effort to be in relationship with
is
what some might choose to
"We
under the
live
call
God.
of the Great Mother," Wiercinski went
spell
window
on, pacing back and forth in front of the
Warsaw
"The material world is
that
we
nourished.
we
this,
the female side of God, mater.
is
don't recognize
so
it,
we
are
consumed by
The problem it
rather than
We are under the spell of mater-iality; if we don't recognize
will
be devoured."
Late that afternoon is
in his office, the
sky outside gray and threatening.
I
went on
and the
a Catholic priest,
to
meet Professor Janusz
who
Pasierb,
art historian in charge of preserving the
icon at Jasna Gora. Early for the appointment,
sit
I
on
outside
a
stone wall next to his apartment building, watching as the late after-
noon
light softens
pearls, casting a
Warsaw
walls along this I
and
milky pink over the stone
street.
had been directed to Pasierb by Professor Anna
historian with a special interest in folk art
the
Madonna. Over
tea
Madonna
Czarna Madonna. dark, yes, she
I
of her she was black, yes, but
art
me
that
some
art
being called the Black Madonna,
was completely surprised by
was dark brown.
an
and roadside shrines of
and cookies, she informed
historians objected to the
Iracka,
In black still,
this
remark. She was
and white representations
not everyone approved of
this
term, "Black Madonna."
Janusz Pasierb received Yes, he told
Madonna"
is
me
in his spacious
me, Anna Iracka was correct, the expression "Black inaccurate.
It is
a recent turn of phrase, possibly sparked
by the popularity of a song written by concedes that perhaps
way
book-lined apartment.
it
to oppose the authorities, resistance
itarianism, but
still,
it
a
nun
became popular because
is
in the sixties. it
was
grows subde under
an incorrect term,
in his opinion.
represents something negative in European culture, he
"She
is
not black, she
is
He
a linguistic
tells
total-
Black
me.
cosmic red, the color of blood, of
life!
WALESA'S PRAYER Cosmic red comes from the
289
painter's intuition that as these figures
descended from above the earth, they would have to burn through the atmosphere, thus the term 'cosmic red.' a
deep red-brown. Red
Cosmic red
is
actually
in Byzantine art represented the fluid of
life.
Black was not used in icons."
Red.
was astonished to hear
I
wonderful about
this description.
The Black Madonna
it.
is
There
is
something
cosmic red.
Mary, Star of Heaven, burning through the atmosphere, the descent fiery and glowing into the earth,
now
rising darkened,
deep
red-brown, some say scorched, black. Tara, Morning and Evening Star,
growing out of the rock, colored
blood red with
brilliant
tika
powder.
Glowing and molten, the image brown-red. Black symbolizes the in the
Gdansk, sit
stage of the alchemical process
first
I
is
go to
visit
Dominik
at the Pauline
room.
upstairs in a large receiving
that he painted himself of the
is
an accomplished painter. The copy
open the
and
I
fairly
"The
large double
can see
it
fully.
glow with
Monastery
He
Warsaw.
has brought a copy
windows
I
hadn't realized that Dominik
is
small in scale but beautiful.
to let in the afternoon sunlight
The lower windows
are the color of
a kind of ancient, honeyed,
Wlodzimierska
in
leave for
famous Russian icon Ikona Wlodzimierska
show me, another Dark Madonna.
so that
we
the interview with Lech Walesa. Before
to
We
from black to dark earth
West; red, the crucial moment of transformation.
Tomorrow
We
shifts
Madonna means
autumnal
to the Russians
amber
light.
what the
Madonna at Czestochowa means to the Poles." Dominik had been allowed to be alone with the icon of the Madonna of Jasna Gora one day at Czestochowa. "Did I tell you about this?" he asked. "It was quite wonderful, really." The painting had been removed from the chapel for some restoration work and he was given permission to see "Face to
face,
it
by himself for
not somewhere up above. Yes,
just a it
few minutes.
was
a very great
LONGING FOR DARKNESS
290
experience, really.
The
someone with
old, like
see the ages
on
it
was completely
were very
colors
body with
You can was completely dark. I know
picture
another place should be red, but
in
"It
is
picture.
altogether.
The
bright. It
just
a lot of scars.
looked completely dark.
it
off the overhead light for the
different, mysterious
very difficult to
It isn't
Very strange, very
like the earth.
that in this certain place there should be green
Then the Father switched it
is
The
this picture.
from having studied and
picture
a very old
—
the picture was
room and light! The
was wonderful.
tell
you what
wood and
it
was
like. It isn't a
paint and gesso.
painting isn't an
It is
normal
something
else
but someone, do you understand
'it'
me? "But for that time
know.
was
I
was surprised,
my
prayer.
I
kept thinking
the 'Our Father,' but
I
Twenty people took
I
that's
in
part, arriving in
two hundred seventy-seven
now
changed.
From
for
my
me,
my
presence
way.
a year ago began
"The Warsaw pilgrimage used but
couldn't really pray, you
should be praying, maybe saying
was praying
"The pilgrimage we went on 1711,
I
was only staying and looking, because
I
on August
2,
171
Czestochowa on August
1.
14,
years ago. to be the
all
most famous pilgrimage,
over Poland now, everywhere,
people are walking, since 1978. Every group has the Solidarity banner.
You
saw. This
way
unofficially people are
our government that Solidarity
though
it is still
Polish,
whoever
outlawed. Solidarity is
free inside
"Walesa has done his relationship
still
showing others and showing
exists, is
is
alive in Poland,
inside everyone
who
is
even really
and independent.
this pilgrimage, too. Yes,
Walesa started from
with the Black Madonna, from God, for
Solidarity.
Every time he would go to Jasna Gora for a very important feast and pray to the Black Madonna.
"Ask Walesa about him, she
is
his relationship
with the Black Madonna. For
very important. Most people from abroad ask him only
political things,
but there
is
something
else here in Poland,
more
WALESA'S PRAYER than
politics. In
life
our nation there are not only
We
problems.
spiritual
of the
have
a
martial law
if
when he had been
alwavs had the
little
remember
I
"It
Madonna
He gave to He made the
his
was
a very
the Black
in
Madonna
of the broken
gift
totally.
life,
vou should be working
Nobel Prize
made during
he was
in prison
plaque
a little
heart.
He
gave
His prayer was alwavs 'My
my
wonderful prayer of Lech Walesa. He gave
Madonna,
[for peace] to the
the prayer for that reason.
It's
a private matter of his
life,
life
life.'
in the
it's
monasterv
really his love for
not for show.
He
her and his
his at
make
Jasna Gora. He's a very famous person in Poland, but he didn't
It's
he
badge of the Black Madonna with him. Afterwards
with a broken heart.
vours,
and the
authorities
well, he
When
arrested.
he came to Jasna Gora.
is
problems but
political
war between the
spirit.
"This praver of Walesa,
the Black
291
spirit.
said this prayer in
Jasna Gora and asked for her protection for our country.
'The Walesa.
portrait of the
You can
pinned over
We
see
worker
in the
him with the
his heart.
He wears
little it
Blikle, the oldest
for you, pani,
and
Gora
painting of the Black
dark.
It
delicious
bakery in Warsaw, founded salty
at Jasna
is
Lech
Madonna
to this day."
Warsaw for Gdansk just after way. Our taxi driver has brought
leave
each
museum
is
350 kilometers
little
in 1869.
cakes from
"Sweet ones
ones for the men."
who accompanies me, is a painter Warsaw after the pilgrimage. One of my favorites is his "Black Madonna and Child Fleeing Warsaw," done in 1982, during martial law. A tall, blond man with an attractive, angular face, Tomasz has a capacity for optimism unusual for anyone, much less Poles, who seem characteristically more inclined toward irony. Soon he will Tomasz
had met
Sikorski, the friend
I
in
be coming to the States to marry a After the
first
hour of the
drive,
woman he met while teaching. we are quiet. It's well after dark,
LONGING FOR DARKNESS
292
nearly eight o'clock.
fall
I
bounced around, and
asleep despite being
wake up not long before we
Gdansk
arrive in
at eleven o'clock.
Ewa
Bogdan, the driver, delivers us to a friend of
who
has generously opened her
upon spreading
us and insists In
moments she
tins
some bread and
sardines,
nearly time to be at
Walesa.
table.
We
St.
museum
tomatoes, eat three
I
Suddenly
in the old city.
Brygid's and
I
still
want
to
women, men "Wait
it
buy flowers
is
for
dash out to Bogdan, asleep in the taxi parked off the
square. In Poland flowers are given at every occasion: to
for
cheese, and have to say goodnight.
the archeological
visit
fish, slicing
on the
tea
up
our useless protests.
1988
October 13,
We
of meat and
and
cheese, bread, setting out butter
Osiantinski's
to us. She has waited
a full dinner over
opening up
is
home
to
women, women
to
men,
from
women
the custom.
it is
Tomasz
here, then we'll drive to the church,"
explains
quickly in Polish, as he bends over, leaning into the cab. Walking
quickly to a nearby flower stand, six
I
buy red and white
of each, the colors of the Polish
We Gdansk.
flag.
drive into the parking lot at
staying with the car.
He
is
It is illegal
nervous since he
for is
roses, a dozen,
Bogdan
Brygid's.
St.
him
obviously not a
painted on the doors of his bright yellow
on
insists
to have driven his taxi to
We
taxi.
local.
Warzsawa
are right
is
on time
for the interview at one- thirty.
We
are walking across the courtyard to the parish house
Walesa himself drives into the courtyard alone,
new
gray
VW van.
He
gets out, a short
man
sandy brown hair, dusty black shoes, a blue is
him the bouquet of
roses.
He
strangers, smiles politely, thanks
the time
we make
it
is
me
when
wheel of a
with a gray mustache, shirt,
about to go into the parish house when
and give
at the
I
and gray pants,
walk up to him to
used to receiving flowers from in Polish,
and hurries
inside.
By
through the small group that has gathered inside
the hallway waiting for him, Walesa has disappeared into a meeting
WALESA'S PRAYER room with Jankowsky and
We
others.
wait.
293
Soon
it
is
1:45 p.m.,
past time for the meeting.
Just then Jankowskv's translator bursts through the front door
and
me. "I'm very sorry to be
finds
late.
me
Let
Monsignor,"
find
he says as he walks past, and he too disappears into the meeting
room. Moments "It
later
he comes out.
He cannot see you now. Impossible. The new cabinet today. In Warsaw.
impossible today.
is
government. They just announced the
Come
to the press conference he's giving at
two o'clock
in the
church
Go around to the back. You'll have time with him there. best we can do. Sorrv," he says sweetly, and dashes off.
tower. the
I
imagined trying to get a word
in
It's
edgewise between the various
wire services and newspapers' seasoned and aggressive reporters, or josding for space with television crews.
having to ask questions about the
I
am
Madonna
startled at the idea of
in public.
At two o'clock sharp, Walesa comes out of
and
parish hall
a
meeting
strides quickly across the courtyard to the church.
A
room
in
group of us follow, up the narrow circular staircase into the tower. There are nearly thirty of us in the
everyone
He
seated.
is
with
sits
to
my
many
no
relief,
room with him, once
No
I
don't
television crews,
know who
the other
His translator announces a few ground rules, asks
are.
of us he must translate for, and then Walesa
The room
is
more
cabinet appointments,
questions of the
it.
to this or not,
She it is
is
what
strikes,
what
moment.
Madonna seems
else will ask
is
open
how
to questions.
quiet.
Will there be
the
few reporters.
radio,
a
his translator in front, the eagle of
Poland patterned on the wallpaper behind him.
people
in the
will
My
is
his
response to Rakowski's
happen to Poland?
—
these are the
question about his relationship with
small and abstract in comparison, yet no one
not a "news" subject. Whether Walesa speaks
clear
from
my
and Monsignor Jankowsky that
conversations with Father Dominik his relationship
with the Madonna,
indeed, Solidarity's relationship with her, has a great deal to do with the events unfolding in Poland.
How
to get to this level of discussion
LONGING FOR DARKNESS
294
be
will
now,
difficult
my
if
not impossible.
Still,
must
I
"Would Mr. Walesa speak about
hand.
try.
Finally
I
his relationship
and
Contrary to Jankowsky and Dominik's comments, Walesa
lets
raise
Solidarity's to the
me know
Madonna?"
immediately that his relationship with the Madonna
a
is
personal affair and has nothing to do with the movement. But they are priests, defensive.
Walesa
He
who
not believers or
"We
a politician.
is
The question puts him on many members who
points out that Solidarity has
belong to other
the are
faiths.
we
are very pluralistic in our organization and
are not
oriented by what religion you are or are not as far as trade unions are concerned. This
"The badge
I
is
a separate, private matter.
wear with her image was given
me
to
by Cardinal
Wyszynski during the Polish workers' pilgrimage to Jasna Gora.
was very happy because of
this
and
have worn
I
ever since.
it
I
a
It's
very long story and a complicated issue," he assures me, at the same
me know that he is not going to go into it. moment am disappointed. This "complicated
time letting
For a precisely
the
most
I
what
had wanted to hear him
I
internationally significant political
tury, a nonviolent revolution,
Poland
side of
it
Here
talk about.
issue" is
is
one of
movements of the cen-
and unbeknownst to most people out-
grew and survived
precisely because
and, because for many, though not everyone,
it
it
was nonviolent
had a
spiritual di-
mension. The Church provided a bulwark of freedom and has been a safe
harbor for
much
the arts, Solidarity, and
What
is
happening
tends far beyond I
its
of the underground press, the all
in
Poland
is
this
wave of freedom
nor Martin Luther King, political side
The
significance ex-
But Walesa
nor the Dalai Lama.
is
He
not Gandhi, stays
on the
of the intersection he occupies and only alludes to what
had hoped to explore. Yet on balance he
so.
its
know this, being here. Naively Madonna has something to do
that's building. Jr.,
intelligentsia,
resistance to the authorities.
tremendous,
borders, one can
want him to acknowledge that the
with
I
manner of
intersection of politics
and
religion
is
is
wise and correct to do
also occupied
by
fanatics.
Lech Walesa, Gdansk, Poland. (Author)
It is
a
dangerous place. With Poland's history of anti-Semitism, Walesa
and Solidarity follow a prudent course
in
keeping the relationship of
Madonna and Solidarity separate, so that Solidarity come too closely aligned with the Catholic Church. the
doesn't be-
"Poland cannot be understood without the issue of the cross and belief,"
he says now. "Many times, especially
in very difficult periods,
Poland was saved by the Church and the Polish nation was better off because
it
was
a nation of believers.
and that makes people heroes. Sometimes led us to survive
—
We believe
much
in miracles
only a belief in miracles
especially at the very crucial points of our history
LONGING FOR DARKNESS
296
in the fight for
to help us
We
independence.
when something
go to the Madonna and beg her
very important for us."
is
Walesa gesticulates strongly with both hands
he
as
He's an
talks.
emphatic speaker. Clever, diplomatic, cheerful, so energetic that he has a quality today of nearly bursting.
and his
the
perestroika follow, his
words tumbling out words
More
questions about strikes
voice rising with feeling and excitement,
and
faster
faster.
Again and again
I
discern
for pluralism, revolution, reform, individualism, effective
economic reform.
I
don't need Polish to understand Solidarity's de-
mands.
"The
situation in Poland
he explains.
for strikes,"
particularly difficult, there
is
"We
are very
much
afraid.
been saved from explosions, but people's patience
is
So
but afterwards
is is
It
away overnight.
unknown.
We
a dangerous
His wife
all
were
is
the license
men were
numbers of the
at the press conference.
or
call
him
what we were doing. like," there
a plague.
"We
I
is
will
not go
anxious for us to
is
I
He
in the parking lot taking
tells
us he
tomorrow they
They
will
is
will
Tomasz and
afraid that they are
telephone him in
want to know who we were and
try to reassure him.
down
it.
u
Tell
them whatever you
Everyone becomes captive
feel sorry for
license plate in a
is
cars there, noting the time of
nothing for him to hide. The fear of the authorities
dan are caught up and on
in.
too have had
should
job, taking
may well,
worried about the long drive and he himself
the secret police and that
Warsaw
have
are not trying to take over the
entry and departure from the church's parking lot while I
It
We hope that our Madonna will help us to survive."
nervous because two strange
down
we
may go
moment. Our problems
After the press conference, Bogdan, our driver, leave.
far
strained.
not be possible for this situation to continue. The talks
government.
a climate
is
them," Tomasz
says.
is
in the dance.
"What
a terrible
numbers!" Suddenly Tomasz and Bog-
heated discussion in Polish that continues off
until well into the night.
WALESA'S PRAYER
297
Should one pay attention to the authorities or simply ignore them, regardless of their threats and posturing? Bogdan with three children. a run-in
He
is
subject to losing his livelihood
is
He many taxi drivers have become informants, who work the big hotels and airports. Not that
with the police.
the drivers
he has
evidently despises the authorities.
us that
tells
married, if
He
especially
they want
to be informants, but they are often required to report to the police in
exchange for their license to operate. So, to avoid being drawn
into this situation,
Bogdan
drives his taxi illegally and doesn't take
from the airport or the big
fares
this trip to
dollars
Being tracked
hotels.
Gdansk could endanger
But
his situation.
I
down from
had American
and could pay him good money. He hadn't counted on being
noticed by the police in Gdansk.
By the time we twilight.
There
is
like lace against
eat
Now
there
is
nothing to be done.
and drive out of Gdansk
for
Warsaw,
it's
a low-lying fog over the countryside, the trees look
the falling
Ground
light.
fog obscures the trunks and
the tops appear to float across the landscape above the ground as
we
hurtle past. It is
two hours now
nearly
discussion in Polish. to translate.
I
be surprised
if
don't
They
know what
from
is
I
Now
it is
I
I
is
at
any
down
a bicycle
at
at
looms
can.
they
Bogdan keeps
his eyes
excited, their voices louder,
came
lights
on the
more em-
on the road.
traveling at such high speed with the
in the headlights, at
then a tractor with no
20 kilometers while
100 with a truck coming toward us on the other
say the beads that I've I
wouldn't
each other with such intensity. Suddenly a
can't look. Leaning
fast as
moment and
I
Tomasz has leaned over the
shows up lumbering along the road
lights
bear
they are talking about.
completely dark. There are no
two of them going on
stops
so heated.
grow more and more anxious
villager
their
Tomasz no longer
his place in the back,
road, but the conversation phatic.
Tomasz and Bogdan began
Bogdan stopped the car
to blows, their discussion
front seat
since
are so passionate,
my
head back into the rear-window
unwound from my
we
side.
well,
wrist over and over as
LONGING FOR DARKNESS
298
we
Before
get into
Warsaw, the conversation
explains that their discussion
was
strictly philosophical,
not angry, they had different points of view as to in a
country
like
other, he says. as
Tomasz has been arguing
said. "If
—
is
what
I
to live
later recognized
acting as if one
they want to listen in on telephone
where you've been and with
To
is
to be the
mouse
is
free,
not.
refuse to be intimidated by the regime at
find out
hide
for
Solidarity's success
whether the government says so or he
they were
how one
Poland. They have learned something from each
one of the keys to
"One must
Tomasz
stops.
whom
to their cat.
—
calls,
let
costs,"
open your
them!
One must
all
Do
mail,
not hide.
simply step into
another world altogether and refuse to be afraid, regardless of threats. It is
the only
way
out."
The Mystery of the Messages llcJjucjorjc,
Moses and the Shepherd [God speaking
to Moses]
have given each being a separate and unique way of seeing
/
and knowing and saying that knowledge.
What seems wrong What
is
am
I
to
you
poison to one
apart from
is
is
right for him.
honey
all that.
to
someone
else.
.
.
.
Ways of worshipping
are not to be
ranked as better or worse than one another.
— Rumi On
Way
the
October It
to
Medjugorje
1988
was nearly midnight by the time
I
got back to Ewa's from Gdansk.
There was only time for three hours'
sleep,
then the waking up in
the dark to finish packing and be ready for a 5:00 a.m. taxi. sleep
1
I
would
on the plane to Yugoslavia.
My
was the
destination
Herzegovina, where
tiny village of Medjugorje, in western
Mary was reported
to be appearing daily to a
group of young people. The appearances had been occurring since 1981. I
hoped to meet one of the
Though two
zerland
I
had
first
visionaries
who had been
heard of the events
years earlier,
I
at
was not inclined to
seeing Mary.
Medjugorje in Switgo.
The
description
299
LONGING FOR DARKNESS
300
reminded
me
of afternoon movies of Lourdes and Fatima, shown by
the nuns in their heavy starched collars at Ursuline
when we were
thunderstorms
forced to stay inside. But after the
experiences in Poland and Texas, willing to look.
I
Time was running
young people no longer saw
six
Academy during
felt less biased,
out.
Two
more open and
of the original group of
her.
Janusz the taxi driver knocked softly on the apartment door precisely at five o'clock.
me which
tea for
I
was almost ready. Ewa poured
I
The bulging camera and recorder bag went over
me goodbye on each cheek, then once picked up my duffel and we were off.
kissed
Janusz
Janusz spoke a
my
shoulder;
You come back
"Rakowski
like before,
said, as
we
drove out the boulevard of linden
government
said the
is
saying,
is,
government
will talk
had
I
little
will
Not anarchy
not stand for
it."
available in Poland,
information about what's going on in the rest of the
Though
world.
is
with Walesa, but not
has the military.
There were no English-language newspapers so
maybe, but
to Poland.
government strong
he
Ewa
again, Polish-style;
trees to the airport, "the borders, Yugoslavia closed
to forget, the
cup of
English.
little
"Don't worry," he
okay.
a
hurriedly finished as Janusz gathered the luggage.
civil
war was rumored
in Yugoslavia, their
economy
had gotten a tremendous boost from pilgrims going to Medjugorje, over
million so
1 1
far.
Medjugorje would probably be one place
would continue
the country that people
matter what happened
On
to be able to get to,
no
politically.
the flight out of Frankfurt to Dubrovnik there were groups
of Western pilgrims going to Medjugorje with plastic
pinned to their clothes.
I
was
to get to Medjugorje nor
advance. friend
in
I
who
had the name of stayed with
to reach them.
full
had
I
of questions.
I
didn't
been able to reserve
name tags know how a room in
a family that takes in boarders
them two
years ago, but
I
from
a
had not been able
1
MESSAGES
THE
how
hoping to ask her
"No She
woman
introduced myself to a
I
leader,
States
—
We
German
me
that
I
accent, then laughs.
be able to get information
will
Dubrovnik.
stop in Budapest for nearly an hour.
ground away from the terminal and bottom of the
a tour
but she does not offer her name or any
information, instead telling at the airport in
me who was
behind
to get to Medjugorje from Dubrovnik.
English," she says in a thick
from the
is
30
steps,
I
am
The plane
sits
on the
allowed to stand at the
but can go no further.
An armed guard
stands
at the end of the gangplank, as in Poland. In the Eastern bloc, soldiers
have become an unobtrusive part of the landscape until like this. It I
moments
has been a long day of traveling and sitting, sitting,
need to go for a walk, but
sitting.
have no way to communicate, so
I
I
stay put.
The day
is
drowning out
all
noise.
that I'm homesick.
Frankfurt just as
was on it's
I
A
like to
was finding
By the time we land
A
in their sounds,
San Francisco was being called
my
my
gate for Yugoslavia.
I
fellow pilgrims reminds
wish that
me
flight
have befriended
waiting in the customs
line.
from the airport and the I
Dubrovnik, other pilgrims
me
and the sense of isolation has eased.
When
dollars will
The
leader
it's
is
friendly
is
while
no bus
wants $180 to drive me, if
I
now,
can pay
my way
yes, there
is
in
room.
airport,
I
ask the Yugoslavian guide
I show him the card with name of the family I was told to stay with and he begins laughing: his aunt whose name I have in my hand. She lives next door to
aboard the
discover that there
me
be enough.
As we pull away from the
how
I
local taxi driver
turn to the tour group and ask
their chartered bus.
Twenty
I
of what
it.
at the airport in
couple from Tennessee struck up a conversation with
one way,
in
be a stranger. Another pilgrimage has begun. Anonymity
and loneliness are part of
on the
me
stand buffeted on the bottom step, realizing
I
flight to
The coolness of
it.
wrap
mild, with high winds that
to find housing in the village.
— LONGING FOR DARKNESS
302
He
him.
group
me
will take
there himself once he has deposited the tour
at their respective houses.
We wind up the coast along the Adriatic Sea in the late afternoon There are palm
light.
hot pink and purple bougainvillea, wild
trees,
dark green cedars-of- Lebanon, lemon
olives, tall, thin
trees,
pink and
white oleanders, deep and leafy arbors overhung with grapevines in
homes overlooking the
front of
neady tended vegetable gardens
down
reach take
on
Sycamore
trees, pines, roses,
The limestone
line the drive.
hills
to the sea, the water turns pink, the limestone rocks
a pale rose
touched with the faintness of gold. The
light turns to a cool blue falling light
sea.
and
finally
of sunset. Only two
warm
darkens to red-purple in the
more hours
to Medjugorje.
From the bus after dark, the road still hugging the sea, I glimpse wooden fishing boat anchored out with a lantern hung from wooden pole over the water. A lone fisherman holds his line taut
a small a
in the translucent
lime green water that gleams like a glittering stone
inky sea.
in the
The
light in the
with hope.
We
water
is
radiant, seeing
it
inexplicably buoys
know who or what we are to one never know how he affected a passing
rarely
The fisherman
will
The
boat rocked gendy in the back of
light blue
into the last
low and light
moment
silvered
above the blue-black
A
priest traveling
bus
is
pearls
sea.
Beyond
his small circle
with the group leads everyone I
in the rosary.
am
tells
and the
lives
history of the apparitions at Medjugorje
known
of
village. Light.
pilgrims again. Dragan, the Yugoslavian guide,
first
moon hung
were strung along the shore
quiet but for the chanting of prayers and
Mary
stranger.
mind, floating
of dusk as the thinnest crescent
was only the dark. Gray
wherever there was a
my
me
another.
appeared to
as Apparition Hill
six
— on
The
glad to be with
us a
little
of the
of the visionaries.
peasant children on Podbrdo Hill
June 24, 1981. She has continued to
appear daily since then to them, though
now
only four
still
see her.
MESSAGES
THE Two
303
have received whatever messages she was to give them and have
gone on with their
lives.
Four continue to see her, every day,
at least
once, at 5:40 p.m. sharp, in the choir loft of the village church.
Witska, one of the visionaries, says that the basic message pray,
more and more. Dragan
He
families are, in his eyes, legitimate.
known
has
is
to
assures us that the visionaries and their
too
from Medjugorje and
is
the visionaries since childhood, long before Mary's ap-
pearance.
very hard
"It's a
gain involved.
The
coming from
are
knock on
life
they have," he
all
tells us;
"there
is
no material
no privacy whatsoever. People
visionaries have
over the world. Sometimes people don't even
walk into their homes to see them.
their door, they just
Please have consideration for them.
"Mary's appearance
may be
want something, they go to
mother goes
trouble, their
cerned for
us.
The world
explained like
to them. She
is
in trouble.
is
this.
When
their mother.
our Mother, she
is
con-
We
must pray
listen to her." Is
in
children
She brings a message of love
and of hope. She asks for peace and reconciliation. and
When
children are in
Mary appearing
in
My mind
Pharping?
Medjugorje, balks.
I
is
Tara growing out of the rock
pray for an open heart and the
willingness to look.
my
The sky
is
my way
into the village to the church, three miles
gray, the air cool
staying with Dragan's aunt
The English
on
and her
speakers' mass
is
face the next
morning
as
make
I
from where
I
am
family.
going on
when
I
arrive at the
church, packed with over two thousand people. At least one thousand
more stand and kneel Services
go on
the mass
is
outside, following the service over loudspeakers.
in a variety of languages during the day. In the evening
in Croatian, the villagers' mass. Inside the
are standing
and
sitting
including the bare floor,
church, people
everywhere. Every inch of space
making
it
very difficult to move.
is
taken,
LONGING FOR DARKNESS
304
After mass I
am
told that
meet
go toward the parish house to
I
must speak with Father Slavko
Though Father Slavko
visionaries.
to
I
woman who
a
in,
woman who is
the gatekeeper; he decides
is
in the choir loft
not
I
one of the
priests.
in
order to meet the
am
fortunate enough
helps take care of Marija Pavlovic, another
of the visionaries as well as the Father Slavko
is
find
with the visionaries
Father Slavko's assistant.
who
when Mary
can and cannot be
appears at 5:40 p.m.
A handful of people, about ten, are allowed in with them each evening. am invited to meet Marija and told to come to her house by I
2:00 p.m. Marija's helper and fields,
walk a mile or so through the open
I
stopping to pick fresh tomatoes and peppers for Marija's supper.
When we
arrive, Marija
is
on the
front steps talking to at least
two hundred or so pilgrims who have gathered outside her house hear about the messages from Mary. There the crowd.
I
is
no way
to get through
decide to walk up Podbrdo Hill instead where Mary
appeared to the children, just behind Marija's house.
first
The
hill is
similar to the
one
walk
I
at
home, but
stops.
There
is
It
takes
how
often
rockier.
perhaps twenty minutes to reach the top, depending on
one
to
a constant stream of people going
up and down,
sharing the path with goats and an occasional vendor.
Within an hour living
room
me and
to wait.
I
am
back at Marija's.
she has gone out to pray with
questions about the
I've
been shown into the
Another group of pilgrims has arrived
Madonna,
goes on each day and
is
again.
just after
them and answer
people's
Meeting with groups of pilgrims
a large part of Marija's
life.
Dragan meant about the lack of privacy and the
I
glimpse what
difficulty
of their
lives.
Marija Pavlovic
is
a pleasant
young woman with an
easy,
good-
natured smile, despite the constant swirl of people around her. She is tall
and
thin,
with large
warm brown
eyes, short curly
and wears a pair of khaki slacks and blouse. She
home, comfortably and simply. Her of the apparitions. Another day,
I
lifestyle
lives in
brown
hair,
her family's
has not changed because
found her taking out the garbage
MESSAGES
THE
305
Her mother was tending the cow. Marija has not an
in a large pail.
ounce of pretension.
There are three or four others she asks kitchen.
in the living
me to wait. Two more people are A large, opulent woman from Rome
room with me where busy cooking
in the
the other end
sits at
of the couch from me. She wears rhinestone-studded eye glasses and
and rhinestone comb
a large tortoise-shell
The man
in the chair
mid- thirties,
In his
to be helpful in in the reality
who
hair.
a friendly
is
American, Terry
has been here over a dozen times.
with one of
whatever way he can.
his
He
young children, he
offers
an enthusiastic believer
is
of the Virgin's appearances at Medjugorje.
"Medjugorje
is
seventh trip here, I'd tell
visiting
me
next to
Colafrancesco, from Alabama,
her
in
a
if
new Bethlehem,
someone had
them they were
crazy.
said
But
if
this
and I'm beginning to understand what
you ask me. Even up to
what I'm about
is
my
to say to you,
my
fourteenth time here
really
going on, underneath
is
the surface.
"Medjugorje
is
down
going to go
Flood, with the Flight out of Egypt, It's
in history
with Noah and the
maybe even
the birth of Christ!
an event of that magnitude," he
tells
me
in his soft
Alabama
drawl.
"Mary's practically living here, she comes here every day. The fact that she's
coming and that
seven years
a strong
is
in the scriptures,
I
she's
message
been coming every day for over
in itself.
think that this age
is
Our
Lady's been so hidden
being given to Mary, this
is
her time." I
am
taken aback by the depth of his enthusiasm.
and can only respond with a long I
me
had to think back over
my
I
have no reply
"Hmmmm."
decision to
come
here.
What made
curious about Medjugorje was the ecumenical nature of Mary's
message. Brendan O'Reagan, a neurochemist working on a docu-
mentary
me
series for public television called
about
his trip to
"The Healing Mind,"
told
Medjugorje to examine medical records of cases
LONGING FOR DARKNESS
306
claimed to be "miraculous" healings. 2
one of the
visionaries, that finally
It
was Brendan's
piqued
talk
with Ivan,
my interest enough to come.
According to Brendan, Mary was calling people to
a life of the spirit,
not necessarily to become Catholics. Not only had the Yugoslavian
government been disturbed by the events
Many were put
Catholic Church. for
religions; further, there
all
at
Medjugorje, so had the
off by Mary's insistence
had been a
on respect
bitter controversy
between
the local bishop and the parish priests as to whether or not to believe the young people. I
asked Terry
understanding
—
His answer, like
if
what
I
had been told of Mary's message was
a call to a life
much
of what
of the I
spirit,
his
not to a specific religion.
was told and would
later learn
about
Medjugorje, was mixed. Yes and no.
A
Frenchman, Cyril Auboyneau,
sitting across the
room from
us,
man in his early years. He was very
joined in the conversation. Refined, witty, a slender
he had been
forties,
familiar at
Medjugorje.
village,
He
also
and often served
Franciscan priest
months
living in
Medjugorje for four
with the visionaries, the messages, and the ongoing events
who
spoke Croatian, the native tongue as a translator for Father
first
in the
Jozo Zavko, the
believed the children and spent eighteen
in a Yugoslavian prison for
doing
so.
Despite the orders of
the authorities, Father Jozo refused to close the church to the thou-
sands of people
who
immediately began streaming to Medjugorje.
Civil authorities feared revolutionary plots,
church authorities feared
challenges to power.
While we waited the messages of
he
felt
for Marija, Terry
Mary
at
and Cyril told
me more
about
Medjugorje. Cyril reviewed the ones that
were the most important.
The conversation reminded me of some of
the talks with Tibetan
lamas and friends in Buddhist practice. Mary's existence, the Tibetan deities, was spoken of with as
much
confidence as
have in our perception of the person sitting next to question about their reality.
like that
us.
There
is
Both Mary and Jesus were included
of
we no in
MESSAGES
THE
307
conversations at Medjugorje as though they were relatives coming to visit,
who had just stepped into the next room. who believe, the kind of intellectual distance
or someone
For those
might hold does not
exist.
the experience of being in pilgrims in Poland. This
I
like
Kathmandu or Dharamsala, or being with
the landscape of belief.
is
that
Being in Medjugorje was something
I
enjoyed the stories
people told, their complete confidence in Mary, whether
I
could share
their devotion or not.
"The main message
to pray, pray, pray," Cyril assured me,
is
"pray to be enlightened by the Holy of the Holy Spirit, for
Spirit,
when you have
pray for an outpouring
the Holy Spirit, you have
everything.
"Perhaps her most important message up to
"was given
tinued,
and say the rosary every day; erably
this time,"
he con-
August 1984. Our Lady asked that people pray
in
fast
on Wednesdays and
Fridays, pref-
on bread and water; read the Bible every day and meditate;
don't just attend the mass, live the mystery of the Redemption.
These are This
Our Lady
five things
where
is
I
Live the mystery of the mass, live
it.
And go
to confession once a
month.
asks of us."
get confused about Medjugorje.
It
sounds
as
though one has to be a Catholic to respond to Mary's messages.
When
I
asked Cyril about
the wisest reply,
come
this,
he gave
"The messages
me what
I
later realized
One must
are a mystery.
was
pray to
to understand them."
Prayer, fasting,
and reconciliation are
traditional spiritual practices
widely used throughout the world, not limited by easily grasp.
Perhaps
it
is
belief.
This
the language of the Church of
which the messages come clothed that puts
me
off,
I
could
Rome
in
not the messages
themselves.
"Our Lady wants
us to pray as a family and to read the Bible
every day," Cyril said. "She wants us to have togetherness in prayer
and communion, brotherhood, and sages have
love. Since July 1986,
been about holiness. She said that
we
cannot
many mes-
live
without
LONGING FPU DARKNESS
308
holiness. Holiness all
means to overcome
with
difficulties
love.
with love, to overcome
sin
all
God
She said that
has given us the gift of
holiness.
"In 1987,
Our Lady
talked to the visionaries about saving the
world through Medjugorje. She encouraged them to pray more to understand God's plan to use them as a tool to save the world." Central to the idea of saving the world
on the verge of destruction. There Medjugorje that gives
me
pause.
I
is
the premise that
it is
an apocalyptic overtone at
is
wanted to ask more about
this
but now Marija has time to talk. Just as we sit down at the table a woman walks up slowly to the doorway, accompanied by friends who
They
help her stand just inside.
are very excited. She wants to
tell
Marija the story of her healing, 'it was a miracle!" they exclaim.
Can
please wait a
I
little
We
longer?
draw
chairs
her
forties.
around the table
to listen.
She
a
is
woman named
glasses, taking
them
Nada,
off as she sits
and complications from
disease
in
down. Through
She wears dark a
combination of
a serious car accident, she
confined to a wheelchair, unable to walk, for nearly the years of her
She
in the
a
life.
her story in a simple, moving way. Her hands shake as
tells
she speaks.
Her
healing has only just happened yesterday. She was
church, at mass,
wheelchair here
who
when will
the priest said, "There
now
Is
tells this story.
this a miracle,
illness
psychosomatic? There
There
is
less
tell
I
feet.
feel a
She
rises to
or the power of suggestion? is
in
her
feet,
surge of excitement as she
no way to know which,
us that no one could believe that
walking to the
altar.
the church began to weep. just
someone
if
Was any,
her it is.
no objective context.
They
much
is
stand up and walk."
Suddenly she found herself on her trembling as she stands up.
had been
last fifteen
Her family and
Today
gone up Podbrdo, Apparition
here to Marija's house.
Her
face
is
is
her
Nada was
first real
Hill, to
flushed.
standing,
friends with her in
"walk." She has
the top and back
down
MESSAGES
THE By the time Nada
finishes her story
309
too late to speak with
it is
We
Marija. She needs to rest briefly before the afternoon apparition.
put off our talk again until tomorrow.
1988
October 16,
The weather blue.
is
a crisp, clear, cool
Women in elaborate traditional black and white Croatian ethnic Sunday mass, weaving
dress arrive for tourists
and peasants
up Podbrdo like
The sky
beautiful this morning.
is
and out of the crowds of
in their simpler dress.
with only
Hill
in
the other pilgrims.
I
my
am
I
determined to walk
rosary and candles to leave burning
will take
no camera
for photographs,
no
money for gifts along the way; no decisions to make. I am exhilarated! The soil is deep red in this rocky limestone country. The older houses are fitted together of cream-colored limestone rocks, the
newer ones are whitewashed and of simpler construction. Shiny yellow squashes and ochre pumpkins
peppers are ripe glory vines
—
now
lie in
the
fields;
green and red
for picking. Grapevines, climber roses,
pink and blue flowered
here and there in scattered
—
The paths
fields.
morning
Cows low, tethered worn by peasants and
abound.
pilgrims are shot through with the white of limestone polished by
brown
footsteps breaking through the dark soil.
Just before
carrying a large
On
the
reach the bottom of the
I
round pan
hill,
I
and leave
I
bow low,
do
cross placed
first
bow
my
low,
where Mary
head to the earth,
some
find a place
on
burning,
it
hill,
I
wooden
stop again,
on a rockpile covered with hundreds
some melted down, the rock blackened.
a suitable rock to
Hundreds of people softly,
At the top of the
for a blessing.
still
first
light a
burning on the pile of rocks with other candles.
light a candle, placing
of candles,
woman
pass a
write the names of family and friends on the back of the
cross as others
I
it
I
hill,
of uncooked bread dough in her hands.
stop at the
I
appeared to the children. candle,
full
brick red, cosmic red
mill about
sometimes not speaking
at
sit
on
all.
down and be this
rocky
quiet.
hillside,
speaking
Instinctively people leave each
LONGING FOR DARKNESS
310
Some
other alone.
some
kneel in prayer, others
are weeping,
arrives at the top huffing
mood
with their eyes closed,
some stand looking out over
simply stare. Occasionally someone
the reflective
sit
is
and talking
the valley, others
insensitive to the
is
at the
mood and
top of their voice, but
Cam-
inescapable and soon they too are quiet.
eras click
and whirr,
come and
go, helping each other along the rocky way: elderly people,
Some
people with canes. crutches. Goats
wax runs
all
burnings.
It is
church, the I
different languages drift across the
are crippled, but
still
they
wander up and down, looking
peaceful
fields
on Podbrdo
come with
for garbage.
many blackened and
over the rocks,
People
air.
their
Candle
charred from the
overlooking the valley, the
Hill,
of vegetables, grapes, and tobacco.
have been granted permission to be in the choir
visionaries this evening
when
the apparition appears.
judgments and defenses be removed, that
I
am
I
loft
with the
pray that
all
able simply to be
present.
Many
moved by Medjugorje; some describe hill remember the comerso, the heart- turning experience had with Chos Kyi Nyima may not become in Nepal after my first Tara initiation. And though it
as a
people are profoundly
conversion experience. Sitting on top of this
I
I
I
a convert as
some do
at
Medjugorje,
I
have had similar enough
experiences to have an abiding respect for people's feelings here.
Overlooking a
this valley, thinking
prayer to Tara which
form
I
love.
a person needs her to
3
In
it
assume
about Mary and Tara,
she in
True compassion. Buddha Tara, indeed emanate
in billions
suit the person.
form that
is
is
said to
come
all
From
possible,
the
can say that Mary
isn't
useful and recognizable to the West?
is
necessary to
Tara appearing
he assured me. "If there is
is
a person
in a
When the Venerable we spoke
the Buddhist perspective, one cannot say that this
Madonna
recall
the Buddhas, are said to
Tara Tulku came to Green Gulch a few months ago, this.
I
whatever
order for her to be helpful.
of forms, taking whatever form
Who
in
who
of
isn't
says definitely no,
not an emanation of Tara, then that person has not
understood the teachings of the Buddha." Christ could be an ema-
MESSAGES
THE nation of the Buddha. to say that
me
Mary
I
am
comforted remembering
Tara or that Christ
is
way
a different context, another
me
Such thinking gives
This
this.
not
is
Buddha. Buddhism gives
is
to reflect
upon
this experience.
room, provides spaciousness.
I
draw no
conclusions.
Whether Mary
appearing in the choir
is
Tara, whether anything or anyone
Some
be known.
know on all
only that sitting
my
—
think
face,
I
am
I
actually appearing,
is
and dismiss
fabrication
here on
afternoon or
on
this hilltop
it
may never
altogether.
a rock, the
sun
— whether we
I
warm
comforted by the outrageous notion underneath
that heaven cares
When
it's
loft this
it
understand, believe, or not.
come down from Podbrdo
Hill,
I
young
see the
woman
with the round bread pan again, returning from a neighbor's where
been baking. The odor of freshly baked bread sweetens the
she's as
we I
air
pass.
go back to Marija's
as planned,
many
but there are too
pilgrims
outside clamoring to see her today. She cannot talk now. People have
come from many of
the neighboring towns and villages for Sunday
mass, as well as the usual crush of tourists from around the world to see the visionaries.
go off alone into the
We
fields
make
plans for
tomorrow morning and
and vineyards, Marija to her room to
I
rest
before the apparition. Birds warble cheerfully, crickets sing in the grass, children's voices float across
the
field,
cows low,
there's a faint
the distance and a rumble of cars, but in the
and
sit
middle of
this vineyard.
down under
by the belltower,
in
I
a large oak. In an
hour
I
have to be at the church,
want
to
sit
There I
is little
want to do
and do nothing.
I
time to
rest.
I
a watercolor of
must remember
allow twenty mintes to get to the church from the
to
fields; that leaves
twenty minutes to rest and twenty minutes to paint. I
a radio in
peaceful here out
order to meet Father Slavko and to be admitted
could have slept for a good two hours. I
sound of
it is
spread out a poncho on the ground
to the choir loft with the visionaries.
this vineyard.
mosdy
I
set
begin to feel frantic. Tension races up the back of
my alarm. my neck,
LONGING FOR DARKNESS
312
my
lower back pangs and tightens,
This
is
way
not the
Take refuge
The grapevines
them on
am
I
can rarely,
in front
satisfying pleasure.
mix
am
I
behind them
light
my watercolors and begin to paint.
colors like the ones in front of me.
match
ever,
warm weather and do nothing.
of me are turning red, the
pull out
I
lost in trying to if
breath.
moment.
quiedy in the mild
sit
Then
fire.
I
I
my
to prepare for the apparition. Stop. Take a breath.
in the present
For a while
catch myself holding
I
a color, this effort gives
me
a
sets
Soon
Though
deep and
happily defeated by trying to paint a tiny faint
gold line around the edge of the burnished copper red, brown, and vermilion leaves, backlit by the sun. don't mind.
lie
I
back and give
At 4:45 p.m. sharp,
I
outside the apparition
inside the
room— choir
the stairwell saying a rosary and
go
signals us to
in
alternately praying I
and take our
I
at the
church
men
places.
Now
I
am
are standing in
I
can. loft,
chairs. Ivan Dragicevic,
another of the visionaries,
one end of the room, the folding sits in
wearing black slacks, a checked sports coat, and black time I've seen Ivan. clean-shaven,
looking young I
find a
man
brown
the doorway, tie.
He's an attractive, black-haired,
the fair-
in his early twenties.
leather kneeler to
to people inside the church below,
at all possible.
It is
medium-height-and-build, utterly normal-
sit
on next
to a
man who
filming for local television in Atlanta. Since the choir loft
ourselves visible.
someone
in the choir loft
in every detail that
Mary
first
I
white walls of the choir
the large painting of
skinned,
that
doorway to the choir
join them. Minutes later,
this picture, the
at
up
at the top of the stairs
Three
loft.
and mentally taking
want to memorize
a kind of giving
weariness to the ground.
meet Father Slavko
By 5:00 p.m. I'm
loft.
my
It is
We
we
is
is
visible
have been asked not to make
are told not to stand
up or
to walk upright
if
One must hunker down and move quickly from position
MESSAGES
THE to position.
We speak in whispers. The cameraman and
where we
to
more
be
this
at
and nods,
dark."
cameraman switched on
I
dig into
yes,
still
a
I
my
try to
me
leans over fast,"
when
and
the visionaries
suitable,
and
at the
painting of Mary.
all
come
reload.
won't
he glances
How much
time
calm myself again and focus on breathing.
same time,
He
speed of
in. It
roll that
few minutes before the apparition
The cameraman and
I
Mary
will start.
Being
to appear seems very
perfectly natural.
up
are
in front
by a chest below the
explains that the half-dozen large plastic bags
next to the chest are
sitting
me what
and asks
he informs me, "won't work.
in a choir loft in Yugoslavia waiting for
strange,
is
to photograph the vision-
camera bag, hold up a
would be
it
have? Done.
I
There are
and pray.
nervously check the camera, get a light
I
have in the camera. "Too
All the lights are
do
visionaries will kneel
relaxed. Father Slavko has asked
I
motioned
from Atlanta has been in the choir loft before and
reading, then the film
are
apparition appears in front of the
which the
during the apparition.
aries
The
feet away.
painting of Mary, before
The man
I
be facing the visionaries as they pray, off to one
will
maybe ten
side,
313
of petitions to Mary from people
full
over the world. There are two plastic rose bushes on the chest,
some slighdy dust-covered pink and blue
more
little piles
silk imitation flowers,
and
of letters of petition.
"Quick," the cameraman advises, "if you have any pictures of your family with you, write a prayer for that person on the back of their picture
when out.
and put
it
on the
table with the other petitions."
always carry a packet of pictures of family, friends, and teachers
I
I
There may be thirty pictures.
who's there and to think of what is
no time to go through the
my of my
on the backs of a
camera bag, side pocket.
travel; luckily it's in the
group shot
forty people at once.
I
I
quickly
would wish
entire stack.
children's
I
pull
I
it
thumb through
to see
for that person.
There
scrawl something quickly
and husband's photos. Luckily
I
find
entire family in Texas; that takes care of about
Would my
friends? Definitely Father
brother laugh at
Dominik.
What
me
or care?
Which
about the pictures of
my
LONGING FOR DARKNESS
314
Tibetan teachers and the Dalai Lama?
them
all
back
in the
pouch
with every one of them in
on the
it
No
time for decisions.
they're carried in chest, just
I
put
and put the pouch
under where
I
calculate
Mary's feet will be.
Below us people
church are saying the rosary, people
inside the
One
outside are saying the rosary.
"Personally Yours."
corner of the stairwell,
in the
plastic
bag
full
of prayers says
Through the doorway stacked over
piled full of more petitions.
high
six feet
see extra-large gray garbage bags
I
Camera
flashes are
going off below. There
are perhaps ten of us in the fading light of the choir
loft. It's
nearly
time.
Suddenly the Ivan are the only
lights are
two
switched on. Marija walks
visionaries
who
will
in.
be in the choir
She and loft this
afternoon. Marija wears a blue and white-striped sweater and a blue skirt.
Looking neither
left
nor
right,
they go directly to their places
down on the floor, and begin to pray. down with them. The television camera
in front of the painting, kneel
Those of us whirrs
in the loft kneel
softly.
Marija and Ivan are praying out loud at
them, then
I
feel a
first, softly,
clammy heat sweep through me and
I
I
can hear
no longer
hear them. They are looking up, intendy, at what appears to be the
same spot
in the air.
Then
their lips stop moving.
They nod
their
heads as though indicating that they understand something that's just
been said to them. Ivan seems to ask a question, but no words are uttered out loud. Marija nods.
want I
to be distracted.
I
Something
take a picture quickly, but don't clearly has
come over them, though
cannot see or even sense anything of what
In this
moment
present for thanks.
I
I
— and my
very close to
—
down on
a remarkable event,
the floor next to
and
I
I
am give
me and bow
forehead to the floor out of respect, then kneel
quiedy with them until the apparition later.
going on for them.
have no doubt that they are seeing Mary.
put the camera
low, touching
is
Then they make
is
over, perhaps five minutes
the sign of the cross, stand up, return to
themselves and begin to leave.
MESSAGES
THE
315
Marija and Ivan stand by the doorway talking
softly.
around to just behind where they were kneeling to take
A
the painting of Mary.
put
my hand on
am
suddenly aware of
Then the must
leave.
I
his
how happy
I
a very large
others to go
crowd
waiting.
We
first.
Now
for a glimpse of Marija
them.
took
It
this intense
am
mv
and
through the crowd
a gauntlet of people ten
in I
moments and can
sit
and
touch
live
with
talk.
I
The moon
looking around for an
collect myself.
But before
with
me comes
in the loft
have no words for the experience and
them now. They
will
come
later.
know
Now
rises to the
burns on the cross-topped
it
feels like
an age has
south over Krizevac Hill where a
hill.
Church
fire
people stand in
bells peal,
around the building walkway for confessions being heard
Italian, English,
Croatian, French, and German.
on the grass
respectful distance
a
it
talk.
only six o'clock in the evening and
It's
Marija and Ivan wanted
people long. They were waiting
down, one of the men who was
important not to
line all
why
breath away to think that the visionaries
over and wants to
passed.
turn comes to walk out. There see
focus day after day, year after year.
better than to try to find is
fifty
into the early evening.
first
Ivan, or better yet, a chance to
empty spot on the lawn where sit
I
out
must walk through
deep on either side and over
can
we
bag, take the packet of pho-
into line to descend the spiral metal
file
who were with them in the loft file am caught off guard when my
I
I
joyful.
turned off and Ivan signals to us that
my
I
well and
all is
of the tower. Ivan and Marija step aside, letting those of us
stairs
I
and
feel, light
I
camera into
tographs off the chest, and
is
there openly weeping.
sits
shoulder to reassure him that
lights are
zip the
man
Japanese
move
I
a picture of
away and
I
spread
sit
my
in
shawl
down with
this
experience. I
was
in front
the apparition. guileless
be Mary?
I
of Marija and Ivan the whole time thev were seeing
watched them
closely
from the
start.
Marija
and strong. Yes, they seem to see something, why can't
What may seem
far-fetched to
many seems
possible to
is
it
me.
LONGING FOR DARKNESS
316
I
am
grateful to have
been allowed into the presence of the
Mother of God, or God the Mother,
as
always in this presence. Only rarely do
we
think of her, but
I
we become aware
of
are
it.
Now all around the church the doors are opened and mass begins. Crowds
out onto the walk. People sing the mass in Croatian,
spill
haunting harmonies of Eastern Europe. Outside,
the unfamiliar,
confessions continue whispered, the penitent kneeling on
walkway
stones next to priests sitting in folding chairs. Sins float and vanish into the thin night
air.
The next morning when as planned. Sitting at
I
go to
Marija's,
one end of
we
are finally able to
meet
a long dining table, Marija peels a
tangerine, offering the translator, Nives Jelich,
and
I
each a section.
Marija has on a turquoise blue sweatshirt and a polka-dot apron over
her
Her mother stands
skirt.
more people
sit
in the adjoining kitchen cooking; three
on the couch waiting to see
guide, pops his head in the door:
moment
to pray with his
would Marija come outside
is
for a
group of pilgrims? The phone
rings for
moment, then puts her
tangerine
Marija. She takes the call, talks for a
down and
Marija. Dragan, the tour
politely excuses herself to
easy in the midst of a constant
go pray with the
commotion
that
I
pilgrims. She
imagine would
have broken many. The calm and cheerfulness with which Marija lives in this daily intensity
that
whatever
is
is
perhaps the strongest evidence to
going on with her
is
authentic.
been occurring daily for over seven years
We
resume talking again
Marija what
She
is
is
The
me
apparitions have
at this point.
after the pilgrims have
left.
I
asked
important for people to understand about Medjugorje.
soft-spoken but animated.
"Fasting, prayer, peace, conversion,
message of what
Our Lady
wants," she
and mass says.
—
this
is
the main
MESSAGES
THE
'The strongest connection with our Lord
Our Lady
317
through the mass.
is
very emphatic that the center of our
is
life is
the holy
mass." "But, Marija,"
I
ask,
"what about people of other
faiths?"
"Our Lady said that she is the Mother of all children and other faiths come here. We are not in a position of separating them. She is
inviting everyone.
or not.
.
.
not at mass, but she
who
Nives,
of knowing choice,
come
We
have free
if
is
up
will. It is
She's not saying that your faith
.
is
to us
we want
if
it
not good because you're
giving us a chance to have the best."
translates for us,
"best" was
is
a devout Catholic.
have no way
I
Mary's word, Marija's word, or Nives'
and no way to find out. Over the
last
two
days, people
to Medjugorje often have said that there are five
who
main elements
or principles in the messages. (These are separate from the five
Mary that Cyril explained the first day at Marija's.) I move on and review the list which I had been told Mary
requests of
decide to
had
articulated.
"Marija, did
Mary
say that
'God did not create division
"God
'God did not create
in religion,'
which
is
religion,'
it?"
or that
ask.
I
did not divide people into different religions,
He meant
for us to be one," she replies.
"Now which one? We should ask that," Nives interjects pointedly. "Let me ask her about the second principle, Nives, as understood I
it.
'Whatever
gift
of
faith
self.' Is this
"Our Lady
people have, they should practice with a complete correct, Marija?"
didn't say that," she begins to
tell
me, then she and
Nives talk between themselves in Croatian. "I
was told that Ivan
said that, to a
him direcdy. Several people have saying that
is
told
man
know who spoke with me this. What is Our Lady I
giving people this idea?"
"She doesn't remember that," Nives explains. I
go on. "The third one,
down on people
of other
'It
faiths.'
is
"
the fault of Christians to look
'
LONGING FOR DARKNESS
318
"Yes, that
is
Our Lady
correct.
down on I
am
story of
other
being.
We
Mary
inquired as
we must
must not look
faiths.'
relieved to have understood this correcdy.
their village
Mary
She said that
said that.
human
respect everyone as a person, as a
telling the visionaries that there
whom they should seek to whom this might be, was
identified, Pasha,
was
more
had heard the
woman in When they the woman
a holy like.
4
to their surprise,
a Muslim.
"The fourth one: God works
in different religions,
but not every
same amount of grace?"
religion has the
"Our Lady
to be
I
didn't say that. That's
what the
Our Lady
decided in reflection from what
concluded as a group that the Catholic
visionaries as a
group
has been saying.
They
most grace
faith has the
available."
Given that they're
good
know
to
that
all
Mary
Catholic, this
visionaries' interpretation of a series
"The
principle
fifth
was
that
appearing in a Catholic Church.
The answer can't
tell.
that the
is
unclear.
I
as
no
surprise.
Was
it
It is
was the
of her messages, not her words.
was no accident
What
that
Mary
the translation or the question?
it
is
can Marija say about this?" I
Marija goes off on what seems to be a tangent, explaining
Muslims don't
reject Mary's appearance here because they
have had an apparition of Mary
whom
comes
didn't say this herself, that this
Our Lady
as the
Mother of Jesus
they consider a prophet.
move on
to the secrets. This
Medjugorje that
I
can
is
the side to the messages of
least appreciate: the ten secrets.
visionaries will receive ten secrets from Mary,
it is
Each of the
said.
Once they
have received them, they will stop having the apparitions, except for perhaps once a year. This has been true for two of the visionaries so
far.
The is
to
litde
come
if
I
know about
the secrets concerns the future and what
people don't heed Mary's requests for prayer,
and conversion,
as
it's
fasting,
often called.
The apocalyptic overtones of
earlier
Marian apparitions are
es-
"
MESSAGES
THE
3|9
pecially strong at Medjugorje. Mirjana Dragicevic,
who no
aries
longer sees
the Madonna, was
one of the vision-
told the tenth
on Christmas Day, 1982, according to Mary
secret
Some months
and
last
Craig's account.
later,
The world would be given
she was deeply pessimistic.
three
warnings, in the form of three dire events, before the visible
would appear; and three days before the first warning, its imminence to a priest of her choice. The short intervals between the three warnings would be, she sign
Mirjana would announce
said,
u
a period of grace," but
if,
once the great sign appeared,
the world did not turn to God, the punishment would come.
There was no use expecting the whole world to be converted, she conceded, but prayer could alleviate the extent of ishment.
The seventh
"the eighth secret for
it
to be
to get
it
made
is
secret
Every day
I
might be averted. But then she told
it
was even worse. As for the tenth, it.
It will
happen.
it.
me
Madonna
lives to
begged
it is
if
everyone prayed
the ninth secret and terrible,
and nothing
s
The only preparation people could make would be had to give their
I
beseeched the Madonna
mitigated, and at last she said that
it
can alter
pun-
had already been annulled. But:
worse than the seven before
less severe.
its
spiritual,
they
God, Mirjana told her interviewer. The
told her that this
was the
last
time she or Christ would
appear on earth. There would be no more apparitions after Medjugorje.
"Marija, there that
we
if
is
will all
be destroyed.
Mary threatening us "I
an apocalyptic tone to Medjugorje, an implication
the world doesn't respond to Mary's messages and requests, I
find
it
hard to imagine a loving
God and
like that.
thought Mary's message was to have peace in our hearts, to
bring peace into our families and into the world, that the emphasis
was on being peaceful and
joyful.
the destruction of the world?"
How
does that
fit
in
with hints of
LONGING FOR DARKNESS
320
"Our Lady
Our Lord
"God
We make the
and
fast,
God
the
is
will
even stop the wars.
us,
he doesn't want to
and peace to help
gives us love
destroy us.
and prayer
said that fasting
choice.
Our Lady
of love.
not because of her. She loves
has
come
us, she
asking us to pray
wants us to be joyous,
she wants us to be happy. She wants us to have the
coming because she loves reads this find that
Our
talk
is
us,
but
Our Lady
is
it's
May
our choice.
Spirit.
She's
everyone
who
our Mother."
cut short by the arrival of another group of pilgrims,
wanting to see Marija. Soon
I
must
leave to
meet Father
Jozo. Marija
once again to pray with the pilgrims and answer ques-
steps outside tions.
I'm
still full
who
a friend
of questions.
woman close to Marija, much of the last few years.
speak with a
I
has been with her through
She asked not to be named. Marija's friend's explanation of the messages was broader. She was a Westerner, a native English speaker,
who had
spent a significant
amount of time
traveling abroad
and had
Medjugorje years ago.
We
stood in the kitchen talking while Marija was outside with the
pil-
home
lived in Asia before finding her
in
grims.
"Our Lady Jesus
of
is
All,'
and
this
back to the to read the
companion
told
Good News gospel many
me
that
Mary
is
teaching the visionaries
She wants people to turn
of the gospels. She has told the visionaries times.
Marija's friend said that the
way
the
word "conversion" was used
by the visionaries simply meant choosing God.
mean conversion
to a specific religion.
Christ because they associated
Church, but " 'Jesus is
to
Mother
on more than one occasion."
a day-to-day basis to live the gospel.
light
way back
the Catholic Church. She did say that she was 'the
Marija's
oh
has never specifically said that our only
him with
Many
It
didn't necessarily
people were afraid of
Christianity or the Catholic
that's too limited a concept. is
the light of the world,' she said.
looking for Jesus,
is
Anyone looking
looking for the Christ,
is
for
looking for their
MESSAGES
THE God,
is
32|
looking for this contact with their God.
should worry about what they
don't think
I
we
find.
we make our ideas about God into a God becomes a problem. We think we
"People don't realize that
god and then Marija pilgrims for
of
this idea
know who God
and we don't."
is
moves
come and
some time
and out of the conversation
in
the kitchen as
prepare to go.
finally
I
and
go. Nives, Marija's friend,
me
in the kitchen. Marija gives I
more groups of
as
continue talking
I
from
a beautiful smile
take one
last
look at her
standing in the sunlight in front of her kitchen window, the light
framing her, and
I
leave.
Leaving Medjugorje,
Whether we this
live in
kind of thinking.
come, comes out of
I
on the apocalyptic undercurrent.
reflect
"the end days" or not, I
this
know
only
this
I
cannot sanely entertain
moment; what
present
present moment. Thich Nhat Hanh's phrase,
"take refuge in the present
moment," consoles me.
The simple aphorism "take what you need and releases is
me from
happening
at
will
imagining that
I
Medjugorje. As
different this experience has
I
leave I'm acutely aware of
been from
the sun in Medjugorje. There
is
leave the rest"
have to resolve or understand what
earlier ones.
how
People stare at
and more mention
talk of miracles
of Satan than I've heard in years. Yet the quiet flood of joy and
happiness that
I
experienced in the choir
that something true
loft
and good has happened
is
a clear indication
for
me
here.
Many
moments here have moved me. Of some I remain wary. After leaving Marija, I go to meet Father Jozo and to hear him speak at his nearby church. His words to
all
are
"Do
not
fear,
do
not be afraid." Even his physical presence, joyful and loving, conveys this
message.
The
secrets,
which sounded so
frightening,
I
had only read
of,
I
LONGING FOR DARKNESS
322
heard nothing about them firsthand. Marija confirmed nothing about
them of which
to be afraid,
proached with prayer," I
I
realized.
words, "the messages are a mystery, they must be ap-
Cyril's
I
took with
me
from Medjugorje.
thought back to the journeys that came before.
Poland
—
which
to
Madonna growing growing
in
I
was
originally
bark of
in the
me. Switzerland
—
drawn because of
stories of the
trees, only to find the
Madonna
the song of the monks' Salve Kegina
opened the door back into the overgrown, wild, walled-off garden
where her image stood untended and unwatered
in
my
heart.
Green
Tara planted in me.
Poland
—
the pilgrimage to Jasna Gora cut wide the swath through
the weeds, released a floodgate, let loose a stream of feeling that
courses through
Nepal
—
my
heart.
going to see the Tara growing in the rock at Pharping,
meeting Chos Kyi Nyima Rinpoche, Buddha Tara taking root breaking until
all
my
heart open with her
world
suffering in the
woman's body, they
said
body, chooses to be a
this
take
up the practice of
Texas
—
finding the political
it
is
vow
to have only a
on
me,
woman's body
ended. Becoming enlightened in a
couldn't be done.
woman.
Sisters,
Buddha Tara chooses
dance and beat the drum,
rejoicing.
flying to see the
Madonna of San Juan de
Mother of the Disappeared, Madre
los
Lagos,
de los Desaparecidos.
The
dimension of the Dark Madonna: Brenda Sanchez's
stories,
and
Vroyecto
Marian Strohmeyer's merciful house, Casa Libertad.
in
Finding the Sanctuary
de la Merced,
— "we —
Liberation theology,
Romero
in El Salvador, the
movement
a burning house, there are people inside"
the assassination of Archbishop Oscar
Maryknoll
sisters, forty
me. The murder of the
was yet to come. Back to Poland
thousand
civilians
six Jesuits, their
— Gdansk and
are locking the door
alone killed,
all
cut through
housekeeper, and her daughter
Walesa, the Black Madonna on
MESSAGES
THE The
his lapel.
river of
323
Mary coming up from underground
at Jasna
Gora; changing to cosmic red from intergalactic black. Struck by the the sky,
Madonna
in Texas, like a meteorite falling out of
didn't see her coming,
I
would take
me
I
didn't see that following Tara
back through Mary, would knock
me
off a solitary
path into the heat and controversy of community. The Madonnas de de los Guadalupe, de los Desaparecidos let the
los Lagos,
Mary
is
dark from entering
lives
on
The Indoeuropean root of the word later did the
Home
—
world
in.
Burned.
fire.
black
meant
gleaming, only
meaning darken. the Peace Project. Meeting for peace, pot-luck suppers,
and reciting Thich Nhat Hanh's Precepts for the Order of Interbeing. Again of the
we
ask ourselves
how
can
Diamond Sangha comes
reminds
us,
"Breathe."
we "be
peace"? Robert Aitken Roshi
to meditate with us,
sits
with
us,
Where
the Streams Cross California
Whoever wants
world
to paint the variegated
Let him never look straight up at the sun
Or he
will lose the
Only burning
memory of
him kneel down, lower
Let
And
things he has seen.
tears will stay in his eyes. his face to the grass,
look at light reflected by the ground.
There he will find everything we have
The
and
stars
lost:
and
the roses, the dusks
—
the dawns.
Czeslaw Milosz
1
Warsaw, 1943 Texas
Dallas,
May 1989 Circling.
Ever since
I
returned from Eastern Europe
great slow circle closing. In
My father
is
included
my
I
live
through the summer and that
our respects and say goodbye.
sense
some
grandfather's death.
family called from Texas mid-spring to say that
might not
to pay
it
He would
we
my
grand-
should
come
be ninety-eight in
August. I
called
how much
324
my
grandfather and asked him what he thought about
longer he was going to
live.
Should
we
wait and
come
WHERE THE STREAMS CROSS we come
August or should
for his birthday in
325
He thought "What month
before?
he'd live until August, he always had before, after
all.
this? Isn't it July?"
is
"No, Pop,
it's
April."
"Oh." Matthew, Madelon, Ben, and
week of May.
my
family,
It
has been years since
now grown, where we
go to see Pop, pack up where:
and though
easily tired,
I
if
he approves.
"No,
tell
I
had helped
a voice teacher,
over.
alert
still
like this,"
Now
I
am
I
me
more, so let
Madelon next
I
give the
— him now waving shouting"
as
learn
listen to
me
making
German him
sing
and
it
it
tell
over and
accent.
in Texas, singing.
it is
heart out for
sits
crying,
last line
him —
want
is
sits in
straining to listen.
"Bright Morning Stars
to cry, but it
I
want
up out of
fathers have
my grandfather,
air,
He
just the three of us in the
volume, bring
him, that's
were
I
— "Our
cane in the
Florence, always swore
we
it,
must
at his funeral,
it
My friend Marita Gunther,
hard of hearing, he
he marches past the gates of
After
as pleased as a child
is
to sing
that he
hymn.
to him,
hymn more
yes, that's his
is
my
— Madelon
myself move. The
He
want
I
standing in front of
sing loudly, singing
Are Rising"
We
she would say firmly, then singing a phrase.
Though he
front room.
We
and take him with us every-
lives.
him
"Again. For Grandfather," in her
his wheelchair,
with
and present.
a shape-note
It's
like this
to the countryside near the Brazos River
have learned a song for him.
but he won't be there so
me
have had time
I
Uncle Robert's house for dinner.
my mother now
where
in Dallas the last
Creek, past the former family home, to
my
him overnight down
to the farm
back
stay together for days visiting.
his wheelchair,
down by Hackberry
the cafeteria for lunch, to take
arrive
all
I
all
to sing
my
feet,
gone to heaven
Walter.
I
can see
shouting, "Wait, here
I
come!"
St.
Peter that
my
grandmother,
there.
return to Dallas, Ben asks Pop
how
he
feels
about dying.
"I'm not afraid, Ben, I'm ready. I'm glad you asked me. Ninety-
LONGING FOR DARKNESS
326
seven
am
a long time to live. I've enjoyed every
is
a
tired
little
read.
and
be ready
I'll
my
when
minute of
hearing's not so good.
the Lord
It's
it,
but
me
hard for
I
to
me.
calls
"I'm so happy you came to see me."
The afternoon we Sue's
—
sandwiches
for his nap.
It
we had
left,
—
then Pop got tired and went in to
was almost time to leave
The shades were drawn striped trousers off his coat
in his
and a dress
and shoes
shirt
for the airport.
room.
and
He was on
tie
after
me, Pop, and Ben.
down on We've come to he lay
I
my Aunt down
lie
went
inside.
dressed in his gray-
as always.
for his nap. Jaki, his nurse,
wool blanket over him "It's
lunch outside with Pop at
He had
had pulled
taken
a light
top of the covers. say goodbye."
He had
almost fallen asleep, but he roused himself.
"Oh, good," he don't think
I'll
see
said,
you
'it's
been such
Remember
again.
a
wonderful
that
I
visit.
Ben,
I
love you and take
good care of your mother." I
now
just
remember my hands on
his face, stroking his forehead,
My
so thin, the bones showing more.
115 pounds now, weighing
less
grandfather, shrinking, at
than me. Fading.
We
have said
goodbye many times before. I
is
push the hair back on
his forehead.
nothing more to say or do.
he'll
I
I
stand at his bedside. There
have already made him promise that
come back to haunt me, to give me a made it safely to the other side.
sign that will let
me know
that he
"Don't
forget, Pop,
I
love you,"
I
say as
I
lean
down and
kiss
him goodbye.
When
I
get back to California,
I
walk home the several miles from
Green Gulch Farm, up over Coyote Ridge. At Green Gulch, Yvonne
WHERE THE STREAMS CROSS
327
Rand had lectured on Death and Dying, her straightforward
how
to
from the long walk,
at
comfort. Yvonne, learning about the breath from the dying,
be with someone,
now
teaching me.
Hands numb, thighs and
home
had had
I
hand, wrote full
calfs tingling
get ready to bathe but see that
I
writing.
a
I
hand
left
covered with
is I
used
my
up with words while holding
filled it
it,
of wildflowers and a pen in
half undressed,
my
pen on the walk but no paper so
over
all
talk a
my
Now
right.
copy them down quickly,
sitting in
a
left fist-
my room
straight off the palm:
"blue-eyed grass, wild strawberry, blackberry vine, sage, lupine, poison oak everywhere, Indian paintbrush, orange hives, clatter
the
wind
—
moon,
—
six o'clock, pale in the sky."
name, Matt, with
whom
I
mean
Learning natural history
names of wild
—
soft
Then from up
"pale silvered grasses ripple in the wind, water
my
oldest son's
form of meditation,
reciting the
streaming." In the middle of the palm, squared,
a
flower, bee
in the pines along the ridge top, eucalyptus leaves
half a
thumb
left
monkey
world that without
my
a
is
things, a litany.
I
is
to talk.
say
them now
grandfather will be
to
ground myself
in
less familiar.
Santa Monica, California July
1989
Those
Circling.
who were
far,
The Dalai Lama comes
draw
near.
to Los Angeles to give the Kalachakra
initiation,
four days of teaching and ritual ceremonies for world peace.
Kalachakra
means the Great Wheel of Time.
monks
that
Sawas
arrive
United
As
met
I
in India again.
from Switzerland
for
I
see several of the Tibetan
Geshe Champa Lodro and Carol Geshe Rinpoche's
first visit
to the
States. I
walk along the beach during
learned to originally
summer
swim
in Santa
Monica
from Rochester,
in California
New
with her
a break,
at the age
I
remember
of h\c.
that
I
first
My grandmother,
York, would sometimes spend the
six children to avoid the fierceness
of
LONGING FOR DARKNESS
328
the Texas heat. At least once,
moved south,
was brought
I
along. Part of the family
some
to California before the turn of the century,
some to the north.
I
had forgotten that I have roots
to the
in California
too, not just Texas.
The in
Kalachakra
ceremony was nearly complete. Some of us stayed
and around the auditorium to watch the ceremonial disassembling
of the mandala that was to take place
now
that the full initiation
had been given. The Dalai Lama would return to the to
civic
auditorium
sweep the granules of colored sand from the mandala
monks by
would be taken by His Holiness and
into a
a
band of
car to a nearby inlet in the bay to be returned to
moving
container, then they
waters in the traditional way. I
stood by an open doorway and looked out onto the lawn. The
sight of a Native
American
against a gray wall caught
attention.
metal folding chair
The dark blue velveteen
turquoise necklace, wide pink headband around his gray hair,
shirt,
set
him apart from everyone
man, he looked
familiar, so familiar that
and a wide-woven red belt stocky, older to
sitting alone in a
my
him and
after excusing
myself and asking
if
I
else. I
might speak with
Thomas Banyacya?" "Yes," he said. He had come to pay his respects to Lama whom he'd met with on other occasions. Banyacya
him,
I
said,
The Hopis
A short,
walked up
"Aren't you
a special kinship
feel
understanding
is
similar,
the Dalai is
with the Tibetans, the
ceremonies are
similar,
a Hopi. spiritual
even certain words
and prophecies seem to be connected, Banyacya explained.
When
the Sixteenth Karmapa, the head of the Kargyu sect, one
of the four main schools of Tibetan Buddhism, came to the United States in
1
974, one of his stops was Hopi Land (Arizona) where he
met with Hopi
elders. Tibetans
to be interlinking prophecies.
and Hopis have what some consider
A
Tibetan prophecy from the tenth
"when the iron bird flies and horses run on wheels, the Dharma will come to the land of the red man." In a film of the Karmapa 's visit we are told that there is a corresponding Hopi century predicted that
WHERE THE STREAMS CROSS
329
come with red hats and reveal themselves to be the friends of the Hopi." The Venerable Dudjom Rinpoche, the now deceased head of Nvingmapa School, also met with Hopi prophecv that "men
will
:
elders in the 1970s.
Hopis do have
a
prophecv about someone,
nation, with red hats or red cloaks
me
as
we
busde of
person or even
a
a
come. Banvacva told
wavs to interpret the prophecies. Suddenly there was our conversation was cut short, the Dalai Lama
activity,
would soon
arrive.
I
went
inside.
turned back from the doorway. Banvacva was by himself again.
I
The
will
stood talking, but he was careful to point out that there
are different a
who
was painfully emblematic. Here thousands had gathered
sight
to
honor and hear the teachings of the most revered Tibetan teacher, the Dalai Lama, vet the elders of our interpreters like Banvacva,
we
ignore.
He
own
landscape, and their
sat alone,
I
sensed, to our
peril.
Standing in the auditorium doorwav,
it
occurred to
me
that we,
myself included, rush to aid the Tibetans in their struggle with the Chinese, not seeing that what the Chinese are doing to the Tibetans,
we have
already done to the Native Americans.
We've
killed then-
people, their languages, broken treaties, stolen lands, usurped them,
displaced them, imprisoned them, plied paying, unsafe jobs, verv
much
like
them with
alcohol,
low-
what the Chinese have done and
continue to do to the Tibetans.
One are
of the Dalai Lama's greatest concerns
making Tibet
dump and
a global sacrifice area. It's
is
game
is
as a
nuclear
being ruined, forests and minerals stripped,
depleted. Part oi the Dalai Lama's Five Point Peace Plan
to have Tibet established as a
tarized,
that the Chinese
launching pad for nuclear weapons bv the Chinese. The
Tibetan environment wild
is
being used
making
it
a giant global
zone of peace, completely demilipark between India and China.
The Four Corners area of the American Southwest
is
5
littered
with nuclear test grounds, radioactive wastes, strip mines and above-
LONGING FOR DARKNESS
330
ground radioactive mine
how much
no matter
tailings,
making
it
a "national sacrifice area,"
would be denied. The phrase
it
"national
was used by the National Academy of Science
sacrifice area"
determining that
this arid
land with so
little rainfall
has
after
little, if
any,
probability of being restored after strip-mining. 4
The
parallel
When a clearer
I
is
striking.
home
returned
I
stayed in touch with Banyacya to get
understanding of the significance of what he had told
me
during our brief meeting at the Kalachakra.
found that though there may be different ways to interpret the
I
prophecies, in 1948 there was one prophecy that the Hopi spiritual
"A gourd
leaders agreed upon:
would
that
When up so
that
kill
that the time
fall
out of the sky"
grow
crops.
event took place, the Hopi were obligated to speak
this
we
of ashes would
the earth and leave the land unable to
all,
the earth included, might
had come to make known
Indian world before
—
live.
In 1948, they decided
their prophecies to the
the prophecies implied
—
For Chief Sackmasa and the other leaders
it
was too
who met
in
non-
late.
1948 at
Shungopovy pueblo on Second Mesa, "the gourd of ashes" was the atomic at
bomb
that
Alamagordo,
had been dropped only three hundred miles away
New
Mexico, in 1945, and then used on Hiroshima
and Nagasaki. 5 In the
series of councils that followed, the spiritual
leaders came to agreement about the meaning of the prophecies and
how
they were to be presented to the outside world.
The prophecies warn us to turn, each in our
We
say.
we
against poisoning the earth
own way, back
own
our
to the Great Spirit, as the Hopis
are told that balance with the earth
will suffer the consequences. lives
and urge us
must be
restored, or
We must each begin today to purify
and the land around
us,
Banyacya told me.
Global warming, deteriorization of the ozone layer, polluted waters and lands, vanishing rain forests, acid rain, extinction of species,
the proliferation of radioactive waste, just to mention of few of
our modern horrors, these are but Western the Hopi prophecies long ago foretold.
scientific
terms for what
1
WHERE THE
T R
S
A M
E
CROSS
S
33
California
July 28,
1989
Two weeks
later at
home, there are
five statues
of Tara sitting on
offerings:
pyramids of green
crowded with
the dining-room table
apples, dark purple-black plums, pale peaches, braided breads, cookies all
on white
neatly stacked
statues,
and flowers. In front of her several
plates,
bouquets of fresh garden flowers
—
blue
yellow spider
iris,
pink and magenta carnations, deep purple and white gladiolas,
lilies,
lavender foxgloves, and red roses the table.
More
piano bench,
flowers
now
sit
—
on the
all spill
out of vases and
jars
floor in front of the hastily
on
draped
incorporated, into a temporary altar along with the
dining table.
The
living
room
is
full
of friends and family who've
and additional
itation cushions
that has in,
statues of Tara. She leaves
been blessed, the insides
"opened." The furniture
forming the living devotional
room
come
bringing
Yvonne Rand has brought twenty med-
the fresh fruits and flowers.
is
filled
me
one
with prayers, the eyes painted
moved back
against the wall, trans-
into a small meditation hall for a puja, a
ceremony and
offering to the
Buddha
Tara.
The Venerable Geshe Champa Lodro Rinpoche, my teacher from Switzerland, has come to visit. Carol Sawas and his niece accompany him
after the Kalachakra It
is
ceremony.
nearly three years since
Lodro Rinpoche telling the story
in Switzerland;
of Tara and
Geshe Rinpoche begins
why we make
how
I
met Carol and Geshe Champa
now
they
sit
in
my
living
room,
she became a Buddha.
in the traditional
Tibetan way to explain
prayers and offerings to Tara. "Everyone wants to be
happy, no one wants to suffer. In this way, no matter what our differences, I
sit
we
next to
are
all
my
husband Corey, while Anna, our two-and-a-half-
alike."
LONGING FOR DARKNESS
332
year-old friend from across the street, feet.
She
up
steals
from the
to the table
plates of offerings.
whether or not
what she
and takes sugar cookies, one I
at a time,
begin to be distracted, wondering
should try to stop her (her parents are seated off
I
but Geshe Rinpoche only glances at her,
in the opposite corner),
notices
thumping her
sits in his lap,
is
doing, smiles unperturbed, and continues talking.
"Many aeons ago, when Tara was the Princess Yeshe Dawa," he "she made great collections of merit and wisdom. Her name, Yeshe Dawa, means Wisdom Moon." Though had heard the story of her vow only to be enlightened in a woman's body many times, now it seems as though am hearing it for the first time. says,
I
I
The
my
having
my
fullness of this circle, this
root teacher staying in
children,
my
coming home,
my
me
husband, friends, and sang ha, gives
long arc back from around the globe to where in California,
this
by Green Gulch Farm, where
moved me
fragment of Tara's story that
roundness,
home, meeting and had
I
had
I
pause: this
set
first
blessing
out from
heard the
to set out for mountains
I
never reached. Friends from Green Gulch here tonight, reconnecting after long absence; I
now
after this long journey, out of
see into a darkness that
black
Rinpoche
is
always coming to us, can
asks.
'The Buddha Tara
man, sometimes
as a
as a
is
we come
coming to
this longing,
The root of
woman. She
Tara has the power to free
all
to her?"
us.
has
numerable forms, she sends out many emanations us.
all
light.
gleaming.
is
"Tara
comes
not separate from
is
Geshe
Sometimes she
many
forms, in-
order to help
in
beings from the world of suffering,
samsara.
"In India, she was
Great Fears. really
we make
lack of
known
especially for freeing us
Sometimes they are
from unlimited
end to her If
6
abilities to
called the Sixteen Fears, but
fears that she
can save
help us. Tara has the
not hers.
us.
There
power
prayers to her and get no result,
effort,
from the Eight
it is
is
no
it is
limit or
to grant anything.
only from our
own
White Tara. (Line drawing,
"Since Tara
is
artist
unknown)
Buddha, she
is
no greater accomplishments than If
we do
this,
and
if
we
best
we
hers.
We
have come to meet Tara.
take Refuge in her, then
find the happiness of liberation,"
We
completely enlightened. There are
he assures
we
can definitely
us.
begin the Twenty-one Praises, chanting them in Tibetan as can, repeating
them three
times.
7
Tara's eyes are like lightning, her face fashioned
from
a
hundred
— LONGING FOR DARKNESS
334
moons of autumn, gleaming
full
of a thousand
like the light
stamp of her foot and whole universes shake,
just to
stars.
A
remember her
beauty provides protection like armor.
Geshe Champa Lodro speaking or
Is it
warm
whole body grows
The concentration required
power
puja holds the
we
as
that
is
Tara teaching?
it
Am
tremendous. does for
it
is
My
repeat the praises again in Tibetan.
me
or
imagining that this
I
this the teaching
is
the dreaming, the calling forth of Tara. Bringing Tara to the West.
Buddha
Tara. If
Over on
his
we
call her,
a year ago,
desk which
I
I
made
she will surely come. a small second altar in
use now.
On
this little altar,
I
my
son's
room
placed a picture
of Green Tara that one of Geshe Rinpoche's students in Switzerland
me
had given
for
my
birthday.
Geshe Rinpoche, and
had spent the evening with Carol,
I
his students at the Yiga
Chozin Center
in
Zollikon.
Now
Geshe Champa Lodro
son in the
room where
Switzerland. visit,
that
my
It
made
I
and
recites prayers
blesses
my
oldest
the small altar for Green Tara from
had never occurred to
me
that he might
come
to
whole family would spend time with Geshe Rinpoche.
Just before he arrived,
I
had hung
a
photograph of Tibetan monks
over the bed. The 360-degree panoramic photograph
is
contemporary,
taken in the 1980s of monks from the Sera Monastery outside Lhasa. 8
There are two hundred monks pictured
in front
a monastery that once held six thousand. Sera
main monasteries
in Tibet.
of what remains of
was one of the four
When showed Geshe Rinpoche his room, I
he became very happy and pointed at the picture for us
all
to look.
Geshe Rinpoche had entered Sera Monastery when he was eight years old.
The
circle continues to close.
As
I
walk up to the top of the
hills in a
blaze of sunlight, the
WHERE THE STREAMS CROSS wind
high and chilled.
is
mv
and pull
One I
freezes as
soon
walk along the
tall
I
wrap
a scarf
watchcap down over as she sees
my
335
mv neck more Two deer graze
around
tightly
ears.
below.
me, the other continues to feed
Suddenly they turn and bound off into
hilltop.
stand of poison hemlock, where they blend
easily,
as
a
dun tan
the
of their coats with the dense growth of narrow, bamboo-like stalks, the dark interior of their ears the same height as the blackened,
dried-out flowers on top.
me
on
Poland's hold
is
mysterious. Like the patchwork landscape
of childhood, half-remembered, onlv the longing lingers clearlv.
As
I
walked,
I
thought about
make up
together to
this
the different streams that
all
come
being called Mary.
Poland was a river of Man', fed by hidden springs, some capped off long ago,
reduced to
dammed
a trickle
up, others
or
grown
now
stagnant, others
underground, feeding and swelling
which
I
swollen ready to burst; some
this
still
running strong
stream of the Mother from
could not get enough to drink.
I
wanted
to
go deeper.
I
hadn't sought the bodv of Christ but the bodv of Mary, her mys-
was the bodv
terious, dark, elusive, multifaceted form. This
to eat, the
the Bvzantrne Church, where the icon
sion of the deitv
of God.
Out of
earlv
itself,
Marv
the Bvzantine
at Jasna
also
Holy
Wisdom
is
Gora
is
Wisdom,
also associated
The Black Madonna
in
with
Sophia, WisSpirit to the
at Jasna Gora, our Lady
Mother of God and the black Artemis/Diana
that
.And before Artemis and Diana, the Dwpetes, "fallen
was worshipped
at
Wisdom,
as well.
Theotokos,
came before
down
her.
out of the
Ephesus. Ephesus was at the
Silk Road to China and the caravan route from West through the Parthian Empire. had stood in the
end of the the
Isis.
from the underground stream of Ephesus, the
sky," the meteorite,
Mother
great Hagia Sophia,
of Czestochowa, draws from the spring of Sophia,
Pouring
an expres-
the apex of Byzantine
an earlv name for the Mother, was the Holv
Jewish Christians.
is
the Theotokos,
Church came the
535) the Church of Holv
architecture.
dom,
needed
wine to drink.
Drawn from
(ca. A.D.
I
I
India to foothills
LONGING FOR DARKNESS
336
of the Himalayas at Dharamsala in northern India and looked west,
out over the plains that Alexander the Great had crossed. The lines
between East and West,
left
over in
my mind from schoolroom maps,
cracked. There was dynamic interchange between Alexandria and India in the ancient world.
Could Tara and Mary's streams have crossed? Look
with Tara in the area between ancient Persia and
a possible link
Lindegger wrote.
India, Peter
at Astar for
Some
historians of religion believe that
Tara might be derivative. Astar or Astarte was one of the sources of
Mary, he had told
common
source?
unwieldy
if
Up
me some
To
time ago. Could she prove to be a
follow out such a notion might well prove
not impossible.
out of Egyptian Africa the waters
the Monastery of Jasna Gora, there
Egyptian, St.
who withdrew
Sara of the
to a
life
is
rolled. In the sacristy
the painting of
St.
Sarah the
of repentance as a desert hermit.
Camargue came from Egypt
Les Saintes-Maries-de-la-Mer.
St.
of
one of the
in
stories of
Paul the First Hermit, the patron
of the Pauline Order that keeps Jasna Gora, the Egyptian desert hermit, was sustained miraculously by a raven
who
brought him
bread each day. Born in Thebes in Upper Egypt in A.D. 233, Paul fled into the desert to
years.
9
said that
It is
hundred
escape persecution, remaining there over ninety
two
lions
dug
his grave
when he
died at one
thirteen.
The Marys of the Camargue
are venerated in the church of Les
Saintes-Maries-de-la-Mer by a statue that depicts them standing in a boat.
u
Isis is
the one
associated with a boat. Tara
who
is
described as a boatwoman,
leads us across," an epithet that reverberates with the
Hodegetria, "the
one
who
leads the way." Tara
is
also the vessel itself,
"the perfect boat to carry the great load of beings" to the shores of peace. 10
The
seal
of Jasna Gora Monastery, the palm tree with lions
standing on both sides, a raven
perched
at the
is
a sign of the Great
Mother.
It
also reveals
top of the palm in other renderings.
And
the
WHERE THE STREAMS CROSS raven
is
a
symbol of the Great Mother. 11 The raven, the
phase of the alchemical process; the two ravens of
first
at Einsiedeln
A
come
337
nigredo, St.
to mind, iconographic code.
copy of Spain's Black Madonna of Montserrat, La Morenata,
high above a doorway in the sacristy at Jasna Gora across the
from the painting of
A Matka
the
Meinrad
sits
room
St. Sara.
multitude of streams pour into the Boskies Zielnes is
Madonna
another appellation of the
at Jasna
Madonna of
Gora and means the Mother of the Good Crops. To her the
Gora. Jasna
faithful
bring rye, wheat, and herbs as offerings in the middle of August, the
ancient grain protectoress in Christian form. Mid-August was also the feast of Artemis/Diana.
Great Mother worship flourished throughout Old Europe, 7000—
3500 else, is
a
B.C.;
there
no need
is
to look to the Mediterranean or any place
anthropologist Marija Gimbutas
tells
me, "The Black Madonna
goddess of Old Europe, the Earth Mother." Black meant
and white meant death in figures over thirty
this
fertility,
pre-Indoeuropean culture. 12 Goddess
thousand years old have been found
in
Europe,
from Yugoslavia to France. In the tian
Camargue
at Les-Saintes-Maries-de-la-Mer, the pre-Chris-
elements taken over by the Church were clearly in evidence, as
they were in Marseilles at
St.
Victor's, the oldest
church
in Marseilles,
with the dark wooden statue of the Madonna, Notre Dame de in the crypt. It
was
first
is
said that
it
was
in Marseilles that a
Confession,
temple of
Isis
converted to the worship of the Madonna.
The symbols of the Camargue
are the bull
and the mare, drawn
from hidden streams, charged with the energy of pre-Christian like Einsiedeln's ravens, like
cults,
Jasna Gora's palm tree with the lions
and the raven. Ephesian Artemis was the patron and oracle for early
from Greece
who
in
importers
brought Black Artemis to Gaul with them in the
sixth century B.C. This
Madonnas
tin
may
well explain the distribution of Black
France along the route of the tin portage, around
LONGING FOR DARKNESS
338
Boulogne-Marseilles. 13 lously" found often
Where
these ancient images were "miracu-
became the
of worship, the most famous
sites
of which were the Black Madonnas, such as the
Vierge Noire at
Le
Puy, where Joan of Arc's mother went to pray as her daughter rode to confer with the king of France. In Paris, Chartres has a Black
Madonna amongst
its
treasures.
In southern France, the
Magdalene
who
in certain
Dark Madonnas
swirl in legends of the
medieval traditions brought the Holy Grail,
the child of Jesus, from Jerusalem to France. 14
La Divina Pastora, the Divine Shepherdess in Trinidad, the statue
of Mary,
is
also called Soparee
The Black Virgin
Kay Mai, which means Mother
at Regla, the protectress of
Havana Bay,
is
Kali.
also the
African Yemaya, "the silvered goddess of the seas," Eduardo Galeano writes.
15
No matter where giving her a depth
I
look,
Mary
has an earlier, non-Christian source
and richness beyond any of the jeweled adornments
she wears in the Church.
It
is
deeply satisfying to find
streams in her, like the sweetness of water after great
The at
fullness of this circle holds within
home.
come
I
I
had made
at
and discover that she had told
Machig Labdron, the great Tibetan Both were
women who
asking. Further
I
is
I
comments.
my room
I
I
have them trans-
which
I
woman
chod practice about
didn't understand this then. Years ago,
my
find
had been
Nyima Rinpoche's mother,
a respected teacher of
had answered many of
In
I
me stories of Yeshe Tsogyel and women masters, years before. 16
raised families, stories for
mandu. She herself was the kind of
it.
these
Chos Kyi Nyima's monastery
discovered that Chos Kyi
Kunsang Dechen, though
the fullness of what
had to go away to become aware of
across the tape
that included his mother's untranslated lated
it
all
thirst.
questions, had told
whom
I
in
Kath-
inquired,
now learn, she me that having a I
WHERE THE STREAMS CROSS woman's bodv was no cause
many women "One can
—
practice with great results whether you are married,
this
sake of
all
doesn't matter
It
and how much vou
married, unmarried,
said.
vour mind
"It's
practice.
one has the desire to become enlightened for the
as
beings, bodhicitta, having
than
spiritual practice
Yeshe Tsogyel
—
not what's important," she
is
that brings results
"As long
There had been
for discouragement.
masters in the past, she assured me.
have children or are a nun. children
339
when
a man's.
woman's body can be
This
better for
what Padmasambhava
is
told
she complained to him about having a woman's
bodv. This was over a thousand years ago, remember, one should
never regret being born
a
woman."
Termas are hidden Tibetan teachings, buried the skv, or even in the
or until there Finallv
I
is
mind
—
until the
a student to receive
learned her name, had her
read them.
::
Then
realized
I
I
are also
The
ideal
now
—
in a rock, a lake,
right to reveal
is
comments
translated and could
women who
was surrounded bv
who
have or have had
model
One "left Buddhist. One had
has too long been the
for spiritual practice
the world" for the monastery, be
or
to
abandon the
family, take
awav
structions to be cleared
practice
is
—
mav be
no longer
evil,"
monastic
life,
Spiritual
celibate,
but
it's
celibacy. Family, as
ob-
Way
or the Spirit,
called.
with or without families
no longer limited to the for the
so.
Christian
committed person who has
God, the Dharma, the
trulv given themselves to it
for the
up
it
been viewed
relationships, children especially, have too long
This
are
families.
teaching.
monastery.
however variously
them
them. Kunsang Dechen's words.
seriouslv involved in spiritual practice
Some
time
practice for everyday
—
is
coming
into
monastic model.
time to see family
I
life
its
own.
life,
We
lav
are
have great respect not
as
"the lesser
but as an equally demanding, though different, choice for intense
spiritual practice.
home. Keeping an
The realm of altar,
the sacred
is
being rekindled in the
having time for spiritual reading, meditation
and or prayer with our family and our
friends, these are practices
I
LONGING FOR DARKNESS
340
found encouraged from Medjugorje to Dharamsala. They remind us of what
we
already know.
The sacred
not something separate from
is
a dimension of everyday
it.
down the list of women know or had heard teach my own limited experience. All are women who have
begin to go
I
recendy within
I
raised or are in the process of raising children.
some
are not.
life,
Some have grown
have infants. Their significance
lies in
of mothers teaching, giving us
new
Some
some have
children,
are married,
teenagers,
the fact that these are
all
some
voices
choices.
Maurine Stuart Roshi, Zen master and president of the Cambridge Buddhist Society, came to Green Gulch to lecture and lead a meditation retreat, sesshin. this
woman
went
I
master lecture
to hear her, deeply in the zendo
where
moved I
first
to listen to
began
as a
student. 18
Several
women
at
Zen Center, both
senior students and priests
with families, had begun to lecture and teach while elsewhere. 19
Wendy Johnson,
in collaboration ers,
on
a
my
focus was
head of the Green Gulch garden, works
with other Zen students and parents, especially moth-
book entided
practice with family
Simple Treasures:
life
—
ways to incorporate
work, partners, children
—
this
spiritual is
being
explored at the inspiration of Thich Nhat Hanh. The Buddhist Peace Fellowship sponsors Family Practice Days at Green Gulch Farm. Thich
Nhat Hanh's meditation
retreats include
and
invite children.
He
has
a special genius for imaginative application of ancient practices, for
example, giving a child a "mindfulness bell" to ring
tempers
rise,
to
remind us to
stop, take a
when household
moment,
breathe, and
return to ourselves.
Yvonne Rand, who came
to the Tara puja, received
full
dharma
Zen master Katagiri Roshi in Though Yvonne's main focus was Zen, our paths crossed again in finding ourselves drawn to Tibetan teachings. Her Holiness the Sakya Jetsunma Chime Luding, also known as transmission from the Japanese Soto
Minneapolis, Minnesota.
Jetsun Kushola, perhaps the highest
dhism
in the
woman
teacher of Tibetan Bud-
West, came to the Tibetan Buddhist Center,
Ewam
1
WHERE THE STREAMS CROSS Choden,
Berkeley to give initiations and teachings, including the
in
White Tara Richmond,
Lama
initiation for long life
and
healing.
Inge Sandvoss was the
first
Chagdud Rinpoche's
Her center
is
in
lama ordained bv the Venerable
Padma Amrita,
is
to the West.
I
meet Lama where
retreat center in Napa, California,
she was leading part of the retreat.
his
20
British Columbia, Canada.
Chagdud Tulku Rinpoche when he came Inge at
34
Her own center where she
teaches,
Spokane, Washington.
in
Among the several teachers who trained Chagdud Rinpoche was own mother, Dawa Drolma, recognized as one of the women
masters of her generation in Tibet. Fleeing Tibet in 1959, Chagdud
Rinpoche, until
like so
coming
erner, Jane
The main the black
manv Tibetan
manv
masters, spent
vears in India
United States ten vears ago. Married to
to the
Trogme, Chagdud Rinpoche has
is
a fierce
raised children as well.
Red Tara and Troma, form of Tara. Tara in her manv
practice of Chagdud's students
chod dakini who
West-
a
aspects, as well as other Tibetan deities,
is
is
studied at his main Buddhist
center, Rigdzin Ling, in the Trinitv Alps of northern California. I
of
all
Her rubv
Tara.
color represents the desire
beings for the freedom of liberation. She
sun, full
speech.
moon
21 I
behind her. She
\isited
the strength of
drew
Red
begin to studv
closer.
is
known
sits
on
a disk of the
especially to help in purifying
Chagdud Rinpoche's community, noted
women members
its
and
Chagdud Rinpoche became
Tsering Everest,
a
Chagdud Rinpoche's
its
in part for
balance of families.
I
teacher of mine as well. translator,
whom
I
first
encountered some years ago, has been authorized to give certain Tara teachings and to teach
dream
voga. Tsering Everest too has
made
a
great studv of Tara.
Of Troma,
the fierce black form of Tara,
her practice for students
more advanced than
I.
I
have learned
But
this
much
little,
Tsering
explained: black can also be understood to represent emptiness, the
complete overcoming of ignorance: the
false
perception of
realitv,
the illusion of dualism, of anvthing existing separatelv.
Emptiness, the true nature of Tara, the
womb
of enlightenment,
LONGING FOR DARKNESS
342
can be understood symbolically as darkness or the color black. tiness
is
not nothing. This
a great conceptual error that
is
Empmany
Westerners make. Emptiness refers to the radical insight of the Buddha twenty- five hundred years ago that distinguishes Buddhism from most systems of belief
—
there
is
no
arising, separate self. All that
is
is, is
independendy
in constant flux, rising
and with something
in relationship to
This
individually existing,
and
falling
else.
darkness to the thinking mind, to the ego that grasps and
holds that there
is
such a thing
as
"mine." This goes beyond thinking
mind, beyond the world of appearances, into the vast direct experience of being. This
not ordinary
is
reality.
This
the black of
is
midnight, imminence, that comes before the pre-dawn of en-
starless
lightenment, the "clear light," a state of translucence or transparency that
is
beyond dark and
light.
Thus emptiness can be
womb
is
Walking up into the the stories
I
This
is
a radiant black.
said to be dark or black to us. This
of enlightenment. This
the Buddhas, this
22
Wisdom. This
is
is
the
is
Mother of
the All
Tara.
hills,
I
think about Tara, about the image and
read of her as a joyful, slightly mischievous sixteen-year-
woman, who would sometimes chide a person whose life them before she would save them, Tara, slaying demons with a prayed her. Fearless hadn't to
old young
she had just saved, or even chide if
they
frown from her brow, her eyes flashing
from her brings the world and
its
like lightning. Just a
demons under her sway.
I
laugh catch
myself smiling just to think of her.
But where cool I
on
my
is
face,
the joyful Mary? Walking along this road, the air
with the
imagine Mary smiling as
first I
hint of
remember
fall,
the sun
warm, suddenly
the magnificent Greek icon,
21 the Virgin Kardiotissa: the infant Jesus has thrown his arms
his
mother's neck, his head thrown back
up around
in joyful, loving
abandon,
WHERE
dangling from his
his sandal
about to pull her
he's
When
left foot, as
Man
her arms from plav; and
though
STREAMS
THE
see this Linage
I
-
smiling
,
CROSS
though he had =:
rhild.
::..-
just
run into
who
looks as
her head.
veil off
recognize her expression and
I
J43
I
am
flooded
again with sweet jov of bearing innocence, the sheer, inexplicable,
gratuitous jov that pierces mothering, the remarkable sound of
newborn babv nursing
—
vou nurse
tracting as
vour breast, the feeling
at
a
the uterus con-
:;
the growing, visceral understanding that the
much more vast and moment of giving birth
bodv. like the earth, has an intelligence so
complicated than our to a child,
moment
and the
that nullifies
new
life,
all
moment,
New
into the world.
moment,
distinct, the
the painter has put
down
mv
right, the top. East
is
will
make
too,
vourseli
or verv like a
up
The
:r.
and West peaks.
moment
the
I
this jov. that
make
vou want
a fool
whirling and twirling them around, or
will
be
down on
fours
all
t
:
}ssing
arming
them
Oh. how mine laughed. is
feel this
the
power
morning
two rubv-chested for
on with
to go
out of vourseli. fathers
cooing or making some face that onlv an infant
of jov that
that
hillside grasses are a dull
enough
i::er
one discovers what makes them
dog or plaving hide and go seek, or standing now.
in the air.
and
dizzv
as
voung child enjovs, or vou
So great it
a crib
see Mar.'
I
whirling her child around in the sweet
them
and
walk past pine
I
the brush. She has stepped outside the is
laugh and smile. So sweet
bending over
a gh nog A new life
bliss.
for this vear. past eucalvptus. ever
dance that mothers and babies do
like this forever
being into
Life
dav bright.
image given to us and she
all
outside the icon, as
done
on
the mountain. Tamalpais.
and
whole bodv taken over,
separation between bodv as sexual and bod',
trees, past the blackberries,
clear
then that
of labor, the
of being launched into an electrifving irgasmic jov
see the next
I
— and
dissolving, for that
come
has
own
bevond the pains
me
to
I
women
and men
gold and
brown from
their
this place.
the lack of rain,
birds chase each other through the
make out
will die for
could die for the beautv of
markings and see
air
who
never
still
thev are.
LONGING FOR DARKNESS
344
and the mountain, closer now, dark green
hawk hovers high above
in the
in the distance.
wind, then dives, taking
with her. Underneath, the San Andreas Fault the Point Reyes Peninsula
is
A redtail my heart
creaking and, slowly,
moves two inches further north each
year,
while the great tectonic plates grind and shift below the sea, the
movement of cannot see slightly,
it
it,
continents deep, in that dark, even as
the landscape
breathes.
is
alive.
It
I
look though
I
cracks and shifts ever so
On
the
Mountain
The Dalai Lama,
Mount lamalpais, California
As a bee seeks nectar
from
all kinds
offlowers,
seek teachings everywhere; like
a deer that finds
a quiet place
to graze,
seek seclusion to digest all
you have
Like a
beyond
gathered.
madman all limits,
go wherever you
and
live like
a
please,
lion,
completely free of all fear.
— Dzogchen
tantra'
California
October
1989
Sitting
on the small stage on top of Mount Tamalpais, the Dalai Lama
leans over the for reporters.
arm of
a satin brocade armchair to
answer questions
Thrust to the forefront of the international spotlight
by the award of the Nobel Peace
Prize,
Tenzin Gyatso, the Fourteenth
Dalai Lama, continues to be himself, earthy, spontaneous, and present.
The
press has been flown in suddenly
from
all
over the country to 345
LONGING FOR DARKNESS
346
him conduct the Lahsang,
see
a Tibetan
The Lahsang
healing the earth.
is
ceremony
also a
for purifying
ceremony
for
and
world peace
and part of the Twelfth Tai Situpa's worldwide Pilgrimage for Active Peace in which the Dalai
Lama
participates.
Revered by the Native American Coast Miwok times called
"Coyote's
it
a dramatic setting for feet
who someRound House," Mount Tamalpais provides the ceremony as we sit twenty-six hundred tribe
above a world blanketed by
fog, floating.
Francisco Bay, Point Reyes Peninsula,
The
Pacific
Ocean, San
are invisible below.
all
Here
on the West Peak, the highest point on the mountain, the sky brilliant
is
blue and clear, the sun hot. Ravens cry, swooping in and
out of the manzanita and pines, blue jays squawk and squirrels scold, all
adding to the commotion that breaks up the usual quiet of the
mountain.
am
I
locked into a spot a few feet in front of the stage by the
crush of photographers, television cameramen, and reporters. eras
go off
Two
like tiny
Cam-
automatic gunfire.
questions recur: what kind of impact did the Nobel Peace
on him, and what does the future hold
Prize have
for Tibet in
its
campaign to regain independence from China.
The Dalai
clearest,
Lama
most forthright answer
himself. His presence
is
to
all
the questions
light, cheerful,
is
the
warmhearted, and
genuine. "I
am just
a simple
Buddhist monk, no more, no
less,"
he begins,
"that hasn't changed."
"Human maybe "I
it is
am
kindness and compassion, that's
my
personal religion,
the universal religion.
always optimistic. There
A
that needs freedom.
is
against
human blood human nature. It
spirit
cannot stand the
something
repressive system
is
won't work in the long run. The human
in the
negative, evil forces of repression.
may be the most important century in many sad things that are happening, but when things become so terrible, so dan-
"This twentieth century
human
history.
There are
the positive aspect
is
that
LONGING FOR DARKNESS
348
gerous, people that
it
have
wake
up.
The nuclear
it,"
is
so awful, so powerful,
how bad
The Tibetan emphasis
is
eliminate,
ferings of others.
Our
society's salvation
is
"Violence
is
we
responsibility for the
everyone's.
We
life.
A
to
must have
me
is
is
genuine
family.
just that, individual, but altruistic attitude
the
is
patience.
unstable. Revolutions
The reason
human
can minimize the misfortunes and suf-
system by force, but they have very
way of
We must
not useful, he
the world situation seems.
individual salvation
seed of a happy future.
is
abidingly positive.
"Each individual must take
we cannot
hope.
is
he adds emphatically. Becoming depressed
notes pragmatically, no matter
If
threat
wakes up a desire for world peace. So there
little
may overthrow an
existing
to offer as a new, meaningful
quite clear. These revolutionary
come from hatred, not from love. Yes, there is some compassion, some concern for less privileged people, for people's suffering, that's very good: but when you compare
movements
that use violence mainly
the motivation of love to the motivation of hatred, the force of hatred
makes up maybe seventy percent of the motivation. Such unstable.
It
cannot
last
over time,
only generates
it
a force
more of
itself.
is
In
the long run, the only motivation that creates stability, lasting change is
loving kindness, compassion, nonviolence, and the altruistic desire
to help others. I
giving in
These are the answers."
had seen him
Dzogchen
in the
teachings,
Los Angeles, but
politics, in
to the
now
auditorium at San Jose only days before, I
I
had seen him
am
seeing
the world's eye and there
way of
is
no
at the Kalachakra
ceremony
him under the pressure of difference. His
commitment
kindness, compassion, altruism, and nonviolence
is
completely embodied.
The Chinese met him
repression of Tibetans has only
in India in
capital of Tibet, in
grown
since
I
first
1986. Martial law was declared in Lhasa, the
March 1989,
demonstrations against Chinese
independence from China and
in
response to increased nonviolent
rule.
Tibetans continued the
call for
in the ensuing violence, pressure
con-
mount
tinued to
and revolution.
MOUNTAIN
THE
ON
Lama
for the Dalai
He would
not.
349
armed
to advocate
resistance
Hundreds of Tibetans were
killed,
thousands more were imprisoned, and the international press was expelled from the country. 2
Three months
after martial
law was declared
world
in Tibet, the
saw firsthand the lengths the Chinese government would go to main-
The Goddess of Democracy ruled Tiananmen Square
tain control.
an unforgettable hundreds,
moment
turned and massacred
until the authorities
not thousands, of their
if
own
in
citizens.
The numbers
will
never be known. The gasoline-doused bodies of demonstrators were
on the
ignited
spot.
Like Gandhi before him, Tenzin Gvatso refuses to
or to hold the Chinese in enmity.
He
He
continues to put
to brutality
speaks of the anguish of the
condemn
Tibetans, yet never does he dismiss or
bow
the Chinese people.
Peace Plan, again and again
forth his Five Point
advocating reason, love, and compassion. 3
Now offering closely
the sweet
smeU of juniper smoke
lingers in the air,
from the Lahsang ceremony. The Dalai Lama
cropped head to one
sits
thought, red robe over one shoulder, leaning forward
he speaks on top of
this
mountain that
mountain underneath whose shadow tain that
we
the Dalai
Lama now
world of what nonviolence, of
I
we
work
sits
alreadv
had begun to
I
I
bow
know
—
bow
to
on
again
daily, this
moun-
children, this
knelt
my
walks, pav
all
—
for the entire
he
is
the
trail,
respects
the
replenishing the store
human
Mount Tamalpais from
down on
my
He reminds
choose love, choose kindness,
walked below for some months before
I
mv
speaking.
of,
I
coming. Looking around self-consciouslv
was alone,
now and
walk almost
I
raised
to
on top
for the benefit of
wisdom and compassion I
down
have climbed on, played on, slept on, drawn, painted,
and loved. This mountain that to,
here smiling,
side, tinted glasses slipped slightly
looking over their top, his hand on his chin in
his nose, his eves
as
an
familv.
the ridgetop
where
heard the Dalai Lama was at first, to
touched
mv
be sure that
head to
this
I
ground
LONGING FOR DARKNESS
350
that
I
hold dear, and offered a momentary prayer.
the mountain, to the North, then rose and
I
bowed
bowed
first
to
again in each of
the remaining three directions: East, South, and West.
Over time, making these bows when part of
The
my
walks, a
directions
the north,
is
way of
grew to have
I
reached the hilltop became
revering this corner of the landscape. specific meanings.
the spirit of this place; the east,
Mount
my
Tamalpais, to
family and
com-
munity; the west, out over the ocean, the death which soon comes to
my
that
I
grandfather and one day to me. will
meet
it
as serenely as
I
pay
does he.
I
my
respects and
hope
do not yet know what
the south represents.
The next morning
I
walk early down a muddied
flank of the mountain. Facing east as
dawn I
in the pre-
lit
perplexed by the tiny
flickers
and blown out, that
see near the ground. After a
I
of light going
realize that these are the
glimmer of
bush to bush, hop up and
down from
full
road on the
dark, only the softest light has begun to pearl the horizon.
am
being I
fire
home
turn toward
1
of night that
wings.
Then
I
birds'
off, like
wings as they
the ground.
Dawn
matches
moment flit
from
is still
so
cannot detect the birds until they spread their
the palest light catches the edge backlit and shows
in the briefest flash illumined,
me
not the bird, but the outspread wing.
Chapter 1.
The Unremembered Gate
1.
The Book of Enlightenment, translated and introduced by Daniel
The
Matt,
Classics of
1983), p. 55.
Western
The Zohar
is
Spirituality
(New
the thirteenth-century spiritual classic and
major text of the Kabbalah, the Jewish mystical 2.
Julius Friedrich Sachse,
1694-1708 (Printed 3.
Chanan
York: Paulist Press,
The German
Pietists
of
tradition. Provincial
Pennsylvania,
for the author, Philadelphia, 1895).
Walpola Rahula, What
the
Buddha Taught
(New
York: Grove Press,
1974), p. 61. 4.
Ibid.
Rahula notes
(p.
xii)
that Theravada
Southeast Asian countries such
as,
Thailand, Cambodia, Laos; whereas
is
followed primarily in
but not limited
to,
Ceylon, Burma,
Mahayana developed
later in Tibet,
Mongolia, China, and Japan. 5.
(Berkeley: University of California Press, 1978).
6.
See
Hugh
Harper 7.
For
R.
Downs, Rhythms of
& Row,
this version
a Himalayan Village (San Francisco:
1980), p. 21.
of Durga's story
I
relied primarily
on David
Kinsley,
Hindu Goddesses (Berkeley: University of California Press, 1986), and Ajit
Mookerjee's
Kali: The Feminine Force
(New
York: Destiny Books,
1988).
351
LONGING FOR DARKNESS
352
8.
Kinsley, p. 96.
9.
Ibid., p.
10.
11.
118.
Margaret and James Stutley, Dictionary of Hinduism (San Francisco: Harper 8c Row, 1977), p. 137.
known
Also
(New
translated by Arthur Avalon
as the Mahanirvana Tantra,
York: Dover, 1972),
barrister, Sir
p.
SO.
"Arthur Avalon" was the British
John Woodroffe, who
lived in India in the nineteenth
century. 1
2.
Subsequently published as Sky Dancer: The Lady Yeshe Tsogyel (London: Routledge
&
13.
Mookerjee,
14.
Anne Fausto- Sterling, "Society Writes
and Songs of
the
Paul, 1984).
p. 28.
Gender," Daedalus, 116 15.
Secret Life
Kegan
The English word
wrathful
form of the deity that
Biology/Biology Constructs
(Fall 1987), p. 64. is
am
I
often used in translation to describe a
choosing to
call fierce.
I
am
departing from
the general use of wrathful as "wrath" inevitably connotes "anger" and these deities, in the Tibetan tradition at least, cannot in
anyway be
said to be angry, despite the ferocity or fierceness of their facial expres-
sion or general demeanor.
and
Other terms that might be used are
terrific
terrible.
The
fierceness of Tara
and the other
deities
is
often likened to the
behavior and expression of a mother trying to get her only child out of the path of a speeding car.
To
the child the mother might appear
"fierce" or even angry but in fact the mother's motivation
and compassion. This
The word fierce active
and
opinion, deities
ardent in
comes
is
includes intensely eager; its
is
Arthur Avalon Stotra)
intense, furiously zealous
and
in
or
my
wrathful.
Though more commonly many terms and
misleading. As in the case with it
"fierce"
is
others generally use the 6.
was love
motivation.
closer to accurately describing the motivation of these
concepts in translation,
The word
—
definition (Oxford English Dictionary)
than does the English word
used, wrathful
1
the crucial distinction
(Sir John
(Madras: Ganesh
too has limitations. generally used throughout this text
where
word "wrathful."
Woodroffe), translator, Hymn &.
to Kali (Karpuradi-
Co., 1965), citing the Yogini-Tantra.
"The
notes
353
notion of a difference between them has given (p.
17.
Vidya
34).
a
is
rise to various Mantras" form of the Mahadevi or the Great Goddess.
Leonard Nathan and Clinton Wild Hair, Selected Poems
Seely, translators, Grace and Mercy in Her
Mother Goddess by Kamprasad Sen (Boulder,
to the
Colo.: Great Eastern, 1982), p. 27. 18.
Tara,
Durga, Kali, Mother, the Great Devi
— Ramprasad
sang over and
over in his astonishing poems. "Listen to this storv, Mother Tara," he
demanded in one poem; in another he cried, "Tara, Tara You are the mother of all. ..." Ramprasad said "You'll find Mother /in any .
house
/
.
.
.
She's mother, daughter, wife, sister / Even-
.
.
woman
close
to you." 19.
The Legend of the Great Stupa of Boudhanath, translated bv Keith
Dowman
(Kathmandu: Diamond Sow Publications, 1978). 20.
The amnesiac scopolamine that was given during childbirth produced some said allergic, some said what later found out was an extreme I
I
neurochemical
—
knew nothing about it
—
reaction to the drug. At twenty and twentv-one,
medications, nor had
I
except in foreign countries. At the time
I
heard of childbirth without I
was told that
I
had
a
very
low pain threshold and poor pain tolerance.
The drug
is
rarelv used anv
more with
childbirth.
Manv women
have had similarly severe reactions.
Chapter 1.
Underneath
Charles Olson, "These Days," The Collected Poems of Charles Olson, edited
by George p. 2.
2.
F.
Butterick (Berkeley: University of California Press, 1987),
106.
For further discussion of Stanislav Grof,
this
topic, see the
M.D., The Stormy Search for
work of
the Self
Christina and
(Los Angeles: Tarcher,
1990). 3.
Letters,
edited by Gerhard Adler and Aniela Jaffe, translated by R.F.C.
Hull, Bollingen 'Series 95, Vol.
II;
University Press, 1961), cited in
World 4.
Services, 1984), pp.
1951-61 (Princeton, N.J.: Princeton Anonymous, Pass It On (New York:
684-685.
See Ernest Kurtz, Not God (Center City, Minn.: Hazelden, 1979), pp. 8-9.
.
LONGING FOR DARKNESS
354
5.
The National Council on Alcoholism, founded in 1944, has affiliates in nearly 100 cities in the U.S. They provide information and referrals about alcoholism and treatment on the local as well as national level.
The National Council on Alcoholism 12 West 21st Street New York, New York 10011 (212) 206-6770 Alcoholics ship of
Anonymous, founded
women and men who
with each other to solve their
is
an international fellow-
common problem and help
from alcoholism. Numerous other successful recovery
in 1935,
share their experience, strength and hope others recover
self-help groups have established
programs modeled
after
AA's Twelve Steps such
as
Al-Anon, Narcotics Anonymous, Adult Children of Alcoholics, Cocaine
Anonymous, Debtor's Anonymous to mention only a few. AA is free and widely established with over 42,000 groups worldwide.
AA
registered
can be found in any telephone directory, or contact:
Anonymous World Box 459 Grand Central Station Alcoholics
New
York,
New
Services, Inc.
York 10163
(212)686-1100
Chapter 1
Leonard ed.,
N.J.:
Sky
W. Moss and
Princeton University Press, 1974),
Stephen C. Cappannari,
Mother Worship (Chapel
Press, 1982), pp.
Hill,
Newsweek magazine, July 1984.
4.
(New
5.
The Secret Book of Revelation
6.
Ibid., p.
133.
7.
Ibid., p.
15.
York: Vintage, 1981),
James
J.
Preston,
N.C.: University of North Carolina
p. xvi.
(New
Elaine Pagels, The Gnostic Gospels
An
in
Man-
p. 321.
53-74.
3.
8.
Down Out of the
The Great Mother: An Analysis of the Archetype, translated by Ralph
heim (Princeton, 2.
3. Fallen
excellent source
York: McGraw-Hill, 1979),
(New
on the Gnostics.
York: Vintage, 1981),
p.
120.
p. xvi.
notes 9.
355
Marina Warner, Alone of All Her Sex. Warner notes that in Hebrew, the spirit of God was feminine, the Shekinah, "neuter in the Greek, pneuma, feminine as sophia (wisdom), invariably feminine in Syriac, but in Latin
10.
it
became incontrovertibly masculine:
Eleanor Munro, On Glory Roads, A York:
Thames and Hudson,
Pilgrim's
spiritus
Book about Pilgrimage
145. Ephesus
1987), p.
sanctus" (p. 39).
is
now
(New
part of
western Turkey. 11.
The Secret Book of Revelation, p. 12.
12.
Joseph Jablonski, Free
Spirits,
Annals of the Insurgent Imagination (San
Francisco: City Lights, 1982). 1
3.
Johann Kelpius's Order of the Woman in the Wilderness is described as one of the early Utopian communities in America in Delores Hayden, Seven American Utopias
(Cambridge, Mass.:
more fully by Julius "The Hermits on the Wissahickon,"
is
written about
Pennsylvania 14. Julian
The German
(New
of
Provincial
Martin Buber,
S.J.,
The
Classics of
Edmund Western
York: Paulist Press, 1978), pp. 298-299.
Ecstatic Confessions
Chapter
4.
"Uttama's Song," from The by and Stories of the Earliest
(1909), p. 110.
Where Tara Emerges
Therigata, The First Enlightened
Women
in
Women Poems :
Buddhism, translated by Susan Murcott.
Unpublished manuscript (Marblehead, Mass., 1985), 2.
Pietists
of Norwich, Showings, translated with an introduction by
Spirituality
1.
The Order
Press, 1977).
1694-1708.
Colledge, O.S.A., and James Walsh,
15.
MIT
Friedrich Sachse in his chapter
p. 26.
Stephan Beyer, The Cult ofTara (Berkeley: University of California Press, 1978), p. 4.
3.
At the time, Tara Doyle was running the Antioch College Buddhist Studies Program at Bodh Gaya, India.
4.
Professor Robert
5.
John Blofeld has commented of
Tibet
Thurman pointed clearly
this out.
on
this subject in The Tantric Mysticism
(Boston: Shambhala Publications, 1987), p. 199.
Many
descriptions
of actual practices, sadhanas, are rarely set forth except in the most
.
LONGING FOR DARKNESS
356
general way, he maintains. Block prints and manuscripts kept privately
by lamas
may even have
certain passages scrambled or
Chapter 1
Proverbs
and Songs from
out so that
left
them without proper guidance.
the uninitiated could not use
This Nameless Path
5.
Harvard
Countryside of Castille (Cambridge:
the
University Press).
2.
By "close
at
hand"
mean
I
the San Francisco Bay area.
Women
teachers
were emerging out of the turmoil of some of the Zen communities on the East coast and in Los Angeles, but by 1985, I had turned to the study of Tibetan Buddhism where there were fewer women teachers. See the Kahawai Collective's work, Not Mixing up Buddhism (Fredonia,
White Pine Press, 1986); Ellen S. Sidor, ed., A Gathering of Spirit, Women Teaching in American Buddhism (Cumberland, R.I.: Primary Point
N.Y.:
Press, 1987); Teachers in
Lenore Friedman, Meetings
Boucher, Turning
the
Wheel, American
& Row,
(San Francisco: Harper America (Berkeley:
of some of the 3.
4.
North Point
women
(Boston: Routledge Ibid., pp.
&
Women, Buddhist
Women
Creating the
New
Buddhism
1988); and Helen Tworkov, Zen
Press, 1989), for discussion
and
in
profiles
teachers emerging during this period.
Kegan
Paul, 1984).
52-54. Allione's discussion of the delog draws on Mircia Eliade's
Shamanism and Guiseppi Tucci's
Chapter 1.
with Remarkable
Shambhala Publications, 1987); Sandy
America (Berkeley:
6.
Who
Is
Religions
Leaving,
of
Who
Tibet.
Will Return?
Transformation into the Exalted State, Spiritual Exercises of the Tibetan Tantric Tradition, translated
by Carol Sawas and Lodro Tulku,
Fasc.
1
8.
(Rikon,
Switzerland: Tibet Institute, June 1987), p. 24.
2.
John
F.
Avedon's book,
In Exile from the
Land of
the Snows, The First Full
Account of the Dalai Lama and Tibet Since the Chinese Conquest
Knopf, i984), 3.
(Ithaca, N.Y.:
is
basic reading
Snow Lion
on
this subject.
Publications, 1985).
(New
York:
notes Chapter 1.
Effort
Is
Required
Not Mixing up Buddhism: Essays on Women and Buddhist N.Y.:
2.
7.
357
White Pine
Practice
(Fredonia,
Press, 1986), p. 7.
"Green" in Tibetan also can
mean
dark or black. Cf. Martin Willson, In
of Tara, Songs to the Saviouress (London: Wisdom Publications, syama, which can mean any dark colour black, 1986), "sNgo sangs
Praise
=
dark blue, brown, grey, green of Green Tara (Syama-Tara)" 3.
4.
Ibid.,
—
—
(p.
but 402,
is
the usual
word
for the colour
n. 82).
elephants, and demons, pp. 304-306.
human incarnation of Tara, the present incarnation Phagmo was handpicked by the Chinese, making her authenticity suspect. The Tibetans I spoke with in Dharamsala had little Believed to be a
of Dorje
faith in her.
5.
I
am indebted to Professor Robert Thurman for some understanding how astonishingly rich and different the Indo-Tibetan view is from
of
the West.
Lama Anagarika Govinda's 1
Foundations of Tibetan Mysticism (pp.
99-
10) further clarifies the spiritual basis of the Buddhist image of deities
in union, for
only sexual
what to the untrained Western eye might appear to be York: Samuel Weiser, 1977).
(New
6.
(Boston: Shambhala Publications, 1987), pp. 84
7.
Ven. Tulku Chagdud Rinpoche's excellent description.
8.
Ibid., p.
85. Blofeld cites
ff.
Edward Conze's Buddhism (Oxford: Bruno
Cassir).
9.
10.
Karma Lekshe Tsomo, Sakyadhita: Daughters of the Buddha (Ithaca, N.Y.: Snow Lion Publications, 1989), edited the proceedings and talks from the Bodh Gaya conference. For a discussion of the complexities of
Simmer-Brown's ters:
this matter, see Dr. Judith
article in The Vajradhatu Sun, "Mahaprajapati's
The Restoration of the Bhikshuni Order
in Tibetan
Daugh-
Buddhism,"
Vol. 10, no. 5 (June-July 1988), pp. 8-28. 11.
Karma Lekshe Tsomo, "Tibetan Nuns and Nunneries,"
Tibet Journal,
LONGING FOR DARKNESS
358
(Winter 1987). Reprinted
Vol. 12, no. 4,
Women and
Tibet,
in Feminine Ground: Essays on
edited by Janice D. Willis (Ithaca, N.Y.:
Snow Lion
Publications, 1987). 12.
I
have added to Lekshe's
telling
with material from Susan Murcott's
"Women Who Have Grown Old with Knowledge," her new translation of the Therigata. Unpublished manuscript (Marblehead, Mass., 1985). 13. 14.
See Helen Tworkov, Zen See Hopkinson, as the
Hill,
in
America (Berkeley:
and Kiera,
3 (1986), Professor Rita Gross,
whose work
I
would
"Horologium"
(in
Klein,
"Gain or Drain? Buddhist
Spring Wind, Vol. 6, nos.
and others writing
at this
1,
2,
time
later discover.
Chapter 1.
Press, 1989).
Not Mixing up Buddhism, as well
eds.,
work of Professor Anne Carolyn
and Feminist Views on Compassion," and
North Point
8.
The Ravens of Einsiedeln
Swedish),
poem
no.
in Mellan polerna
11
I— XIII
(Stockholm: Norstedts, 1982), or "Trees," translated into English by the author. 2.
Ean Begg's The Cult of the Black Virgin (Boston: Arkana, 1985), contains an important gazeteer in the back, giving the location and description of
many of
the Black
Madonnas
in
Europe and around the world.
3.
Dora Kalff died January
4.
C. G. Jung and C. Kerenyi, Essays on a Science of Mythology (Princeton,
Princeton University Press, Bollingen Paperback, 1973),
N.J.: 5.
6.
15, 1990, at Zollikon, Switzerland.
p. 73.
Ibid., p. 79.
more widespread than many realize. In Egypt December 25 was celebrated as the birth of the sun god,
Cultural absorption was
and
Syria,
brought forth by the Virgin, prior to the birth of Christ. the Virgin
who
"No doubt
thus conceived and bore a son on the twenty-fifth of
December was the
great Oriental goddess
whom
the Semites called
the Heavenly Virgin ... a form of Astarte," Sir James Frazer, The Golden
Bough 7.
I
(New
York: Macmillan, 1967),
Kings 11:5.
p.
416.
notes
359
and Iraq down to the Nile
8.
Modern-dav
9.
This fusion of elements from one culture to another
Svria
dynamic,
cretism" in anthropology.
It is a
Dr. Lindegger indicated,
many churches
temple
Vallev.
logical,
is
called "syn-
ongoing process. As
on former pagan
are built
sites.
W. Moss and
Anthropologists Leonard
one of the clearest descriptions of
this
Stephen C. Cappannari give
process in their essay, "In Quest
of the Black Virgin," that of Pope Gregory the Great, writing in A.D.
601 to
water
"We
his priests:
the idols.
It is
in these
same temples,
relics therein. If
from destroying the temples of
to build ourselves altars
God; because
from the
it
cult of
come
will
continued existence of a sort
refrain
the construction of these temples
useful, they will pass
true
must
necessarv onlv to destroy the idols, and to sprinkle holv
demons
71.
and place holy solid,
good and
to the service of the
to pass that the nation, seeing the
old places of devotion, will be disposed, bv
its
Quoted
of habit, to go there."
in
Worship (Chapel Hill, N.C.: University of p.
is
James
Preston, ed., Mother
J.
North Carolina
Press, 1982),
Gregory's priests had trouble winning converts, sparking his
counsel to use the
sites
alreadv considered sacred as
a
means of making
conversion more palatable.
Moss and Cappannari
give
what they claim was one of the most
interesting examples of this cultural diffusion at
Enna
—
the case of a church
in Sicilv.
Enna, situated on a steep mountain in the northwest corner of Sicily,
for
was
a site
sacred to Ceres and Proserpina, the
Roman names
Demeter, Great Mother Goddess of the earth and her daughter,
Persephone, the
Queen
of the Underworld. (In the earlier Greek legend,
Persephone was called "Saviour" because of her annual death and resurrection.) In the
Roman
version of the mvth,
it
was believed that
Proserpina's abduction bv Pluto took place on the shores of Lake Enna. "It
is
at
Enna
in Sicily that
of pagan symbolism bv the
one
finds the
Roman
most
interesting adaptation
Catholic Church: until the mid-
nineteenth century, the images of Ceres and Proserpina were used in the church as the Virgin and Infant Jesus, despite the fact that } r oserpma
A papal order bv Pius IX removed the pagan statues to an museum that is, somehow, never open to public viewing."
was female!
adjacent
Ibid., p. 61.
.
LONGING FOR DARKNESS
360
Ceres had a black aspect, as did Demeter Melaina, the Black
Demeter. Both were earth goddesses, sources of fertility, and precursors of the Black Madonna, along with Ishtar, Inanna, Cybele,
Isis,
Artemis,
Diana, and others. 10.
Today named Monte San
1 1
I
Guiliano,
according to Dr. Lindegger.
on Gustafson's substantial research for the story of the Madonna. The monastery publishes versions of it as well,
rely largely
Einsiedeln
but his work is the most detailed and analytical for my purposes. The monastery books, those available in English, are primarily chronological histories. Gustafson gives that and more. His work has been revised substantially and rewritten as a book, The Black Madonna (Boston: Sigo Press, 1990). 1
2.
Fred Gustafson, "The Black Madonna of Einsiedeln:
A
Psychological
Perspective," dissertation, Jung Institute, Switzerland, p. 4. 13.
Ibid., p. 5.
14.
Ibid., p.
15.
Idem.
16.
Ibid., p.
17.
The angel Gabriel said to Virgin Mary, "The Holy Spirit will come upon you, and the power of the Most High will cover you with its shadow.
Luke
13.
14.
And
so the child will be holy and will be called Son of God."
1:35.
18.
Ean Begg, The
19.
James
Cult of the Black Virgin.
Trefil, The
Dark
Side
of the Universe
(New
York: Anchor Books,
1988). 20. See Virginia Trimble, professor of physics at the University of Cali-
"The Search for Dark Matter," Part Two of "Our Cosmic Origins," Astronomy, Vol. 16, no. 3 (March 1988), pp. 18-23. fornia at Irvine,
21.
Marcia Bartusiak quoting researcher in "Wanted: Dark Matter," cover
22. Erich
(December 1988),
Neumann,
Dis-
pp. 63-69.
The Great Mother,
translated by Ralph
Manheim
(Princeton, N.J.: Princeton University Press, 1974), p. 165.
NOTES 23. Atlas of the World
3^J
(Washington, D.C.: National Geographic Society,
revised 3rd ed., 1970), pp. 156-57. 24.
Cf.
Joseph Campbell and
Geoffrey Ashe, The
van Sertima, ed.
et
Virgin,
25. Original Blessing (Santa Fe,
Moyers, The Power of Myth; Ean Begg,
Bill
Cult of the Black Virgin; Ivan
Black
Women
in Antiquity;
al.
N.M.: Bear and Co., 1985).
26. Bread Not Stone: The Challenge of Feminist Biblical Interpretation (Boston:
Beacon, 1985). 27.
The Mother's Songs, Images of God the Mother
(New
York: Paulist Press,
1986). 28.
Pagels
was working on her
York:
Random House,
book Adam,
latest
1988)
Eve and the Serpent
when we spoke
(New
the following January,
1987. 29.
Geshe Champa Lodro Rinpoche gave an explanation of Tara that included the essential points of the account given by the sixteenthcentury Tibetan lama Jo-nan Taranatha. Taranatha's text was called The Golden Rosary and in
A
it
he
clarified the origin
of the Tara Tantra.
published as The Origin of the Tara Tantra, translated and edited by David Tempelman (Dharamsala: Liversion of Taranatha's text
brary of Tibetan
would have
his
Works and
own
is
Archives, 1981)* Geshe
Champa Lodro
Champa Choling
in Adligenswill,
center at Rige
outside Lucerne, as well as teaching at Yiga Chozin, where
I
met
him. 30.
He
explained that there are
Chapter 1.
Tao Te Ching,
& Row, 2.
#1,
9.
many more than twenty-one
The
Way
to
Taras.
Poland
translated by Stephen Mitchell
(New
York: Harper
1988).
Nagarjuna wrote a well-known "Praise of Khadiravani Tara" to
form of Tara. See Martin Willson, (London:
Wisdom
In Praise
of Tara, Songs
Publications, 1986), pp. 282-285.
this
to the Saviouress
LONGING FOR DARKNESS
362
We Go Now
Chapter 10. 1.
Selected Poems, translated
by
W.
H.
Auden and
Leif Sjoberg
(New
York:
Pantheon Books, 1971), p. 42. "*Ayiasma (Hagiasma): purifying well. The water cult is still alive in Greece and the Near East. A glass of cold water 2.
is
the people' " (p. 37).
among
the holy welcoming drink
Marian Zalecki, O.S.P., Theology of a Marian
Shrine,
Our Lady of Czestochowa,
Marian Library Studies, Vol. 8 (Dayton, Ohio: University of Dayton, 1976). 3.
S. Pasierb, The Shrine of the Black Madonna at Czestochowa. Photographs by Janusz Rosikon, Chris Niedenthal, Josef Jurkowski. (War-
Janusz
saw: Interpress Publishers, 1985), 4.
Ibid., p. 75.
Chapter 1.
p. 6.
The Songlines
(New
1 1
.
The Pilgrimage
to the Black
York: Viking, 1987),
p.
Madonna
171.
Chapter 12. After the Pilgrimage 1.
New
Seeds of Contemplation
(New
York:
New
Directions, 1961), p. 221.
Chapter 13. There Are Roses of Fire 1.
The Ink Dark Moon. Love Poems by Ono no Komachi and Izumi Shikibu,
of
the Ancient Court
Aratani 2.
(New
Women
of Japan, translated by Jane Hirshfield with Mariko
York: Charles Scribner's Sons, 1988),
p.
116.
Thich Nhat Hanh was nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize by Martin Luther King,
Jr.,
for his
work
as
chairman of the Vietnamese Buddhist
Peace Delegation during the war.
He
is
a poet
and Zen master and
author of numerous books including Being Peace (Berkeley: Parallax
.
.
343
much
of Thich Nhat Hanh's work:
1987). Parallax publishes
Press,
Box 7355,
P.O.
NOTES Berkeley,
CA
94707.
The fourteen Precepts of the Order of Interbeing, in shortened form: 1. Do not be idolatrous about or bound to any doctrine, theory, or ideology, even Buddhist ones. All systems of thought are guiding
means; they are not absolute truth.
Do
2.
truth.
edge.
.
.
.
.
not think the knowledge you possess
Truth
.
found
Do Do
5.
is
changeless, absolute
knowl-
in conceptual
not force others, including children, by any means what-
soever, to adopt your views. 4.
and not merely
in life
.
Do
3.
is
.
.
.
not avoid suffering or close your eyes before suffering. not accumulate wealth while millions are hungry.
.
.
.
simply and share time, energy and material resources with those
.
.
.
Live
who
are in need.
Do Do
6. 7.
not maintain anger or hatred.
.
.
.
not lose yourself in dispersion and in your surroundings.
Learn to practice breathing in order to regain composure of body and mind.
.
.
Do
not utter words that can create discord and cause the community to break. Make every effort to reconcile and resolve all conflicts, however small. 8.
9.
Do
not say untruthful things.
and hatred.
division
.
.
.
.
Have the courage to speak out about
may
doing so 10.
.
Do
not utter words that cause
threaten your
own
situations of injustice even
when
safety.
A religious community should take a clear stand against oppres-
and
sion
.
Always speak truthfully and constructively.
injustice
and should
strive to
change the situation without
engaging in partisan conflicts.
Do
11.
nature.
.
.
.
not
live
with a vocation that
Select a vocation
which helps
is
harmful to humans and
realize
your
ideal of
com-
passion. 1
2.
Do not kill. Do not let others kill.
to protect 1
3.
14.
life
Find whatever means possible
and prevent war.
Possess nothing that should belong to others.
Do
not mistreat your body. Learn to handle
it
.
.
with respect.
For the complete Precepts see Thich Nhat Hanh,
Interbeing:
.
.
.
Com-
LONGING FOR DARKNESS
364
mentaries on the Tiep Hien Precepts, ed.
Fred Eppsteiner (Berkeley: Parallax
Press, 1987). 4.
5.
(New
York: Pantheon Books, 1985),
p. 84.
Victor and Edith Turner, Image and Pilgrimage thropological Perspectives
(New
in Christian Culture:
An-
York: Columbia University Press, 1978),
p. 47. 6.
Zsolt Aradi, Shrines
&
Straus
to
Our Lady Around
the World
(New
York: Farrar,
Young, 1954), pp. 155-156.
Chapter 14. The Madonna's Face 1.
"San Onofre, California," Hauling up Morning. The 1990 Martin Steingesser
ed.
Peace Calendar,
(New York: War Resisters League & New Society
Publishers, 1990). 2.
Victor and Edith Turner, Image and Pilgrimage thropological Perspectives
in Christian Culture:
An-
York: Columbia University Press, 1978),
100.
p. 3.
(New
My
visit in
August 1988 took place during the growing buildup of
refugees in the Valley that winter. Precise
numbers
would reach
crisis
proportions the following
are difficult to arrive at
and must include not
only INS District applications for asylum but also arrests by the Border Patrol
and unknown numbers
who
did not present themselves to any
federal agency, voluntarily or involuntarily.
December of 1988, 450 people were applying
for political
By October, November, month)
a day (nearly 10,000 people a
asylum to the INS Director, the Brownsville
INS Deputy Director told me. The rate in August was well on its way to 2,000 per week, whether they had that exact number of formal
week of my stay. Figures are for "OTMs" Than Mexicans), INS explained. On December 23, 1988,
applications or not for the
only (Other
the Brownsville Herald reported that 30,000 had applied to INS alone since the preceding
May.
By January 1990, there would be
a dramatic rise of Salvadorans
On
February
in
South Texas again after the rebel offensive of 1989.
7,
1990, INS reinstituted the detention policy and began to put up
circus-size tents again to handle the influx.
INS
said that
it
could
handle up to 10,000 people in the detention camp. Robert Suro, "U.S.
NOTES Is
4.
345
Renewing Border Detentions" The New
The Sanctuary movement temples
—
is
a
group of
faith
communities
—
churches,
that have established themselves as sanctuaries, safe havens,
undocumented refugees seeking
for
York Times, February 8, 1990.
political
asylum from war-torn
areas of Central America. In opposition to the United States govern-
ment's limited interpretation of the 1980 Refugee Act, participating congregations help provide food, shelter, and assistance in applying
and the appropriate
for proper papers
legal status.
They
also
accompany
refugees in resettlement. 5.
Charles Lane, "The
and 6.
lives in
War That Will Not End,"
The
New Republic, October
Lane covers Central America for Newsweek magazine
16, 1989, p. 23.
San Salvador.
"Before 1975, the United States Department of Justice adjudicated
fewer than 200
political
asylum cases per year. In 1989 more than
50,000 petitions are pending in immigration courts. The flow of Central
American refugees
in the 1980's
was simply not
anticipated." Central
American and Haitians account for the majority of Aurora Camacho
De
petitions pending.
Schmidt, "United States Refugee Policy and
Central America," Christianity and
Crisis,
Vol. 49, no. 13, September 25,
1989, p. 284. 7.
In July for
1
989, the American Bar Association began a pro bono program
asylum applicants in Harlingen, Texas, called ProBar. After meeting
staff and studying the refugee crisis, they denounced the lack of access to legal counsel and established ProBar to
with Proyecto Libertad
help insure proper representation for refugees' asylum claims. 8.
9.
Turner and Turner, Image and The
New
York Times, January 7, 1989, "Suit Attacks Policy of
Aliens in Texas," Peter 10.
11.
Morazon I
Pilgrimage, p. 51.
v.
Thomburgh, Civil Action No. B-89-002
spoke with Bishop Fitzpatrick in
reading on this subject
Keeping
Applebome.
is
May
(New
Renny Golden and Michael McConnell's Railroad (Maryknoll, N.Y.:
Obis
D. Tex. 1989).
1989. Important background
Penny Lernoux's work,
York: Viking, 1989), Cry of the People
(S.
People of
God (New
York: Penguin, 1982), and
Sanctuary: The
Books, 1986).
New Underground
LONGING FOR DARKNESS
366
The statement of the Texas Conference of Churches and
Catholic
Bishops was issued February 20, 1989. 12.
INS approved 75 percent of Iranian
In fiscal 1988, district directors for
requests for political asylum, 77 percent of Ethiopian requests, 53.7
percent of Polish requests, 5 percent of Guatemalan, and 2.7 percent of El Salvadoran requests for political asylum. 13.
Robert Kahn, the Orantes-Hernandez
Brownsville Herald, v.
Meese,
685
F.
May
2,
sequently referred to as Orantes-Hernandez 14.
1989. Findings
came from
Supp. 1488 (C. D. Cal. 1988), subThornburgh.
v.
The INS was accused of
violating Federal District Judge David V. Kenyon's permanent injunction which ordered the Service to inform
Salvadorans of their legal right to apply for political asylum. 15.
The
U.S., a country
align itself
we
founded by refugees and immigrants, must
agreed to abide by in 1968. See Helsinki
York: U.S. Helsinki
Watch Committee,
16.
480 U.S. 421 (1987).
17.
Quoted
18.
Over
Watch
Deported, Asylum Seekers in the United States,
Denied,
at least
with international standards and honor the U.N. Protocol Report, Detained,
June 1989 (New
1989).
in Sanctuary, p. 72.
a year later,
Francisco Examiner
an
on October article
10,
1989,
I
would read
in the San
by Larry D. Hatfield on Archbishop Pros-
pero Penados del Barrio from Guatemala. Penados, president of the Central American Conference of Bishops and
member
commission on Third World countries, had
Paul's
of Pope John
called for withdrawal
of United States and Soviet support from Latin America. Like Arch-
bishop
Romero
before him, Archbishop Penados had received nu-
merous death threats for becoming an outspoken advocate for the masses. Penados is responsible for the controversial pastoral letter, "A Cry for Land," in which the Guatemalan bishops "denounced as sinful the distribution of wealth" in their impoverished nation.
knowledge he in
is
It is
a likely target for right-wing death squads.
public
He was
San Francisco to receive the San Francisco Archdiocese human-
rights
award and to address the Guatemala refugee community of over
30,000 in the Bay Area. 19.
Vicki
Kemper, 'innocent
September 1987,
p. 22.
in
the Eyes of God," Sojourners, August/
notes 20.
367
Brenda Sanchez, her husband, and daughter were granted asylum on September 22, 1989, after
five years
was granted on the
was reason
basis
that there
political
of waiting. Asylum for
them
to fear
persecution in El Salvador. 21.
Matt Meyer,
"Women in Chile Demand Justice,"
The Magazine of the War
The NonViolent
Activist,
Resisters League (April/May 1989), p.
5.
Chapter IS. Walesa's Prayer 1.
"Recovery," The
(New 2.
"Reflections
Much
on
1931-1987, translated by the author
Collected Poems,
York: Ecco Press, 1988),
p. 54.
a Better Today," The
New
Yorker,
of the groundwork for Solidarity was laid
Workers Defense Committee the government, daily life to its
KOR assist
3,
1986.
the
established in 1976. Rather than address
offered concrete assistance in the difficulties of
members
be necessary to
February
down by KOR,
—
legal help, food, financial aid,
members who had
whatever might
suffered from
government
repression.
Chapter 1.
1 6.
The Mystery of the Messages
and Letters oJRumi (thirteenth-century by Coleman Barks and John Moyne (Putney, Vt.: Thresh-
This Longing. Poetry, Teaching Stories Sufi), translated
old Books, 1988), p. 20. 2.
The documentary grew out of Brendan's
project, the Inner
Mechanisms
of the Healing Response, at the Institute for Noetic Sciences, Sausalito, California, of
which O'Reagan
is
also Vice President for Research.
Institute has the largest data base in the
The
country of medically reported
cases of spontaneous remissions. 3.
"Prayers of Request to the Lady Tara," Transformation State,
Tibet Institute, June 1987, Fasc. 18), 4.
into the Exalted
translated by Carol Sawas, Opuscula Tibetana (Rikon, Switzerland: p. 21.
Mary Craig, Spark from Heaven: The Mystery of the Madonna at Medjugorje (Notre Dame, Indiana: Ave Maria Press, 1988), p. 81. Craig's balanced, account was written from her experience of working on documentary film on Medjugorje for BBC television in 1986. historical
5.
Ibid., p.
107.
a
.
LONGING FOR DARKNESS
368
Chapter 17. Where the Streams Cross 1.
"The Sun," The
(New 2.
1931-1987, translated by the author
Collected Poems,
York: Ecco Press, 1988)
p. 55.
The Lion's Roar, Center Productions, 1985, a film in tribute to the late
Gyalwa Karmapa. 3.
The
Dalai Lama's Five Point Peace Plan was formulated in September
1987 and has been presented to the European Parliament
at Strasbourg.
Transformation of the whole of Tibet into a zone of peace.
1
Abandonment of China's population
2.
transfer policy
which
threatens the very existence of the Tibetan people.
Respect for the Tibetan people's fundamental
3.
human
rights
and
democratic freedoms. 4. Restoration and protection of Tibet's natural environment and abandonment of China's use of Tibet for the production of nuclear weapons and dumping of nuclear waste. 5. Commencement of earnest negotiations on the future status of Tibet and of relations between the Tibetan and the Chinese people.
the
4.
Study Committee on the Potential for Rehabilitating Lands Surface
Mined
for Coal in the
Western United
States, Rehabilitation Potential of
Western Coal Lands (Cambridge, Mass.: Ballinger, 1974).
Conflicts over the at the Kalachakra late
Four Corners area continue. Banyacya arrived
because of his involvement in the Big Mountain
area of Black Mesa, the holy land within the Four Sacred Mountains
of the Dineh (Navajo) and Hopi, a territory that overlaps Arizona, Utah,
Mexico, and Colorado. Now the battles continue in U.S. where Native Americans await the outcome in the various
New
courts,
lawsuits 5.
and appeals they've brought to
Peter Matthiessen, Indian Country
an account
(New
of this historic gathering.
halt relocating their people.
York: Viking, 1984),
Banyacya helped
initiate
p. 78, for
the Indian
movement that grew out of these meetings. Four were chosen to carry the Hopi prophecy to the white 1948. Only Banyacya remains.
cultural revival
interpreters
world
in
6.
See chapter
7.
There are several different versions of the Twenty-one Praises to Tara.
7, p.
100.
notes
349
These praises are adapted from "A Short Tara Puja" (Kagyu Shenpen
Kunchab, 751 Airport Road, Santa
N.M. 87501), the
Fe,
text
we used
for the Tara puja. 8.
George C. Berticevich, "Sera Monastery, Near Lhasa, Tibet," April 1985 (Sausalito,
9.
See Janusz
Calif.).
Pasierb and Jan Samek, The Shnne of the Black Madonna
S.
at Czestochowa.
Photographs bv Janusz Rosikon, Chris Niedenthal, Jozef
Jurkowski (Warsaw: Interpress Publishers, 1985), 10.
p. 5.
Nagarajuna, "Praise of Khadiravani Tara," in Martin Willson, of Tara, Songs of the Sanouress (London:
Wisdom
In Praise
Publications, 1986), p.
284. 11.
Neumann,
Erich
The
Great
Mother,
translated
12.
Manheim
by Ralph
(Princeton, N.J.: Princeton University Press, 1974)
p.
165.
Conversation with Marija Gimbutas; see also her book, The Gods and Goddesses of Old Europe (Berkelev: University of California Press, 1982).
13.
Emile
Saillens,
Sos
vierges noires, leurs ongines (Paris:
erselles, 1945), as cited
ed.,
bv Moss and Cappannari
Mother Worship, (Chapel
Hill,
Les editions Univ-
in
James
J.
Preston,
N.C.: Universitv of North Carolina
Press, 1982), p. 68. 14.
Conversation with Ean Begg. For a discussion of Black Virgins and valuable gazeteer of locations of Black
Madonnas around
a
the world,
see his The Cult of the Black Virgin (Boston: Arkana, 1985). 15.
A Memory of
Fire
1:
Genesis,
Pantheon Books, 1985), 16.
Ugyen Chudon
17.
Also
known
as
p.
(New
translated bv Cedric Belfrage
York:
277.
translated the tape.
Yum
stories of Tibetan
Kusho, Kunsang Dechen related
women
masters, the
a
handful of
two most important being Yeshe
Tsogyel, eighth centurv, and Machig Labdron, the eleventh-century
master. Machig had thousands of disciples,
some of
whom came
from
was married, had children, one son, achieved enlightenment as her student. Machig is
India to Tibet to hear her teach. She
of
whom,
a
considered the source of Chod practice in Tibet, the special form of
meditation practice of which Kunsang Dechen is
translating Machig's biography
is
a teacher.
Carol Sawas
and writing about the development
.
LONGING FOR DARKNESS
370
of
cW practice under the guidance of Geshe Champa Lodro Rinpoche.
18.
Maurine Stuart Roshi died February 26, 1990.
19.
The
history of the growing
numbers of women teachers
both in the United States and around the world,
by others. The handful
I
mention are
in
is
in
Buddhism,
being documented
no way to be construed
as
being the only ones, the most important ones, the most significant ones.
They
are teachers with
and know to be of
whom
2,
chapter
I
I
reliable.
whom
I
women
fine
teachers
have heard but not yet had the opportunity to meet.
refer the reader to the existing
Women's
have had some form of contact
There are many other
Activities,
Liberal Arts,
books on the subject
in footnote
Also see the quarterly Newsletter on International Buddhist
5.
NIBWA,
Thammasat
(c/o Dr.
Chatsumarn Kabilsingh, Faculty of Bangkok 10200, Thailand), a small
University,
but important publication documenting the rapidly changing role of
women 20. Jetsun
in
Buddhism around the world.
Kushola
is
a Tibetan, the sister of Sakya Trizin, head of
one of
the four major lineages of Tibetan Buddhism. Trained alongside her brother, Jetsun Kushola has been teaching since she
was eleven years
old.
21
Jane Tromge, the
Tara, Instructions for the Short
Red Tara
Practice According to
Chagdud Tulku Rinpoche (Box 387, Junction City,
Teachings of
CA
96048). 22.
Professor Robert Thurman's translation of the stages of the enlightenment experience. There are four stages that the mind can go through at death in ordinary experience, well-mapped in the Tibetan system, or during the experience of enlightenment. These stages and the colors associated with them are translated variously. White is the first color encountered in the layers of the subtle mind, according to Thurman. This is the stage of luminescence, described by the Tibetans as moonlight. Then comes red, radiance, described as sunlight. Next comes black, which he translates as imminence, described as the starless
midnight before enlightenment. Enlightenment
is
re-
ferred to as the "clear light," translated as translucence or transparency,
which comes
just before
dawn and
is
beyond
color,
beyond dark and
light.
23.
By Angelos, sixteenth century, from the
art exhibit
and book Holy
NOTES Image,
Holy Space,
Icons
and
Museum
Culture, Byzantine
Chapter 1.
Namkhai Norbu,
The
Frescoes
Crystal
from Greece
(
Greek Ministry of
of Athens, 1988), #44.
S.
1
37,
On
and
the the
2.
Documented
125.
Mountain
Way of
Light,
Dzogchen, compiled and edited by John Shane (London: Paul, 1986). p.
p.
Sutra,
Tantra
and
Roudedge Keg an
135.
reports to
Amnesty
International revealed the widespread
use of torture. Tibetan nuns raped with electric cattle prods by Chinese soldiers,
monks hung upside down and beaten with
paddles, the
list
Amnesty
International
human-rights abuses
is
in Tibet.
comes from such sources the International
nail-studded
of abuses and human-rights violations
wooden
extensive.
an important source of information for
More comprehensive information on
as the U.S.
Campaign
is
for Tibet
D.C., Humanitas International in
Tibet Committee
and
Menlo
Tibet
in
New
Tibet
York,
Watch in Washington,
Park, and .New? Tibet published
New York, New York The Snow Lion newsletter and catalog (P.O. Box 6483. Ithaca. New York 14851) is a helpful source of information on the situation in Tibet, Tibetan Buddhism and the Tibetan communitv-in-exile. bv the Office of Tibet, 107 East 31st Street, 10016.
3.
See note
3,
chapter 17, Five Point Peace Plan.
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2
Page numbers
AA
(Alcoholics
in
Anonymous), 354 275—77
italics
refer to illustrations.
archetypes, Jungian, 144
Abuelas de la Plaza del Mayo,
Artemis, 52, 145, 146-47, 335, 337-38
Acevedo, Maria, 276
Arya, 165
Acevedo, Sebastian, 276
Asher, Leah, 21
Adams,
Asherah, 145
Lilly,
addiction,
243
44—47
Aspiazu, Jose, 261
recovering from, 151-52 Adella, Sister, 256,
258
Aitken, Robert, 77, 323 Alberta, Sister,
266-67, 278
alchemy, 150-51, 152, 289, 337 Alcoholics
Anonymous (AA), 354
alcoholism, 44-47, 354 see also
Astarte, 145, 146, 336, 358
Asura Cave, 66 asuias,
26
Atisa,
166
Attis,
145
Auboyneau,
Cyril,
306-8, 317, 322
Auschwitz, 234-40, 241, 242 Avalokitesvara, 61-62, 89, 107, 166
addiction
Alexander the Great, 336
Avalon, Arthur (Sir John Woodroffe),
AUende, Salvador, 276 Alone of All Her Sex
352 "Ayiasma" (Ekelof), 180, 362 Aztecs, 247
Amnesty
Banskota, A. K., 31, 36, 37-38, 41
AUione, Tsultrim, 77, 78, 79, 356
(Wamer), 355 American Bar Association, 365 International, 268, 371
Ananda, 116
Banyacya, Thomas, 328, 329, 330, 368
anger, 24
Baur, O., 140
ani,
denned, 60
Begg, Ean, 358 beggars, 97-98, 105, 127-28, 133
animal sacrifice, 25
annulments, 13
Beyer, Stephan, 22, 77
anti-Semitism, 242, 294
bhiksuni lineage,
Apocalypse,
Book
of,
1
apparitions, see Medjugorje, apparitions wit-
nessed at
Biblicos,
Big
114-15, 116
258
Bend National
Park,
8-9
Birkenau, 237, 240
381
INDEX
382
history of, 75
blaclc
Mahay ana,
enlightenment stages and, 153, 370 of,
symbolism
of, 153,
288, 289, 337,
341-42
darkness
see also
20, 351
nuns and, 114-17
323
etymology
student-teacher relationships and, 69-71,
75 texts of, 33
Black Madonnas:
two main forms of, 20 Western practice of, 115, 117, 118
cultural migrations and, 50, 146
176-79, 260, 336, 337-38
in France,
see also
Tibetan Buddhism
Buddhist Peace Fellowship, 340
of, 51
literature on,
teachers of, 76, 77, 78, 94, 97,
338-39, 356, 369, 370
156-57
Isis vs.,
Jungian role
in
women
51-52
early Christian texts and,
49-50
Bujak,
Mexico, 246-48, 251-52, 260-61
Adam, 226-27
Byzantine Church, 189, 335
as political symbols, 155 as spiritual
as
Woman
development symbolized by, 142 in the Wilderness,
Czestochowa, Black Madonna
see also
Einsiedeln, Black Black Madonna,
"Black
52-53
Madonna
The (Gustafson),
Madonna and Child
at;
Warsaw"
154, 359
caste system, 18
Catholic Church, Catholicism:
annulments granted by,
John, 272
Blofeld, John, 109,
13,
187
Buddhism vs., 19-20 Central American refugees and, 252-58
291
355-56
female priests prohibited
Blyth, R. H., ix bodhicitta,
C,
Merced, 253-58, 263
Catholic Bishops of Texas, 264
(Sikorski), 291
Blikle,
la
Casa Romero, 252
360
Black Tara, 120 Blatz,
Cappannari, Stephen
Casa de
at
Fleeing
Camargue, 175-97, 337 C.A.N.D.L.E.S., 239
in,
187-88, 202,
229
denned, 107, 165
bodhisattva, 18, 165
Marian worship
bodhisattva vows, 68, 70, 118
masochistic behavior and, 209
Boehme, Jakob, 12, 53 Bogdan (taxi driver), 292, 296-98 border hospitality, 254-55
Medjugorje apparitions and, 306, 307, 318,
Boudhanath, Great Stupa
34
at,
of, 21
Central America:
workers
religious
Buddha (Siddhartha Gautama) (Sakyamuni
see also refugees,
Buddha): of,
17,
background 115-16
historical
Tara and
18-19, 166 of,
17-18, 56, 72,
Buddha Mahakashyapa, 34 Buddhas, four, 34
Buddhism: in,
25
on Buddha emanations, 310-11 ceremonies of, 68-69, 70, 71, 108-9, 244of,
107
emptiness, concept of, 341-42 evil as
ignorance
Champa
Lodro:
in,
of,
162, 271
Green Tara initiation given by, 174, 175, 246 on Tara, 163-66, 331-34, 361 as teacher, 370 U.S. visit of, 327 Chatwin, Bruce, 197 Chenrisig, 89
Chernobyl, nuclear accident
245, 246, 327, 328
compassionate component
266—67, 270
Ceres, 359-60 Chagdud Tulku, 341
background 119
animal sacrifice prohibited
in,
Central American
author visited by, 331-32, 334
166
as teacht., 18, 19,
159
320 sexism
Brodyaga, Lisa, 267
enlightenment
in,
241
female enlightenment and, 21, 95, 163-64
at,
203 children:
INS policies and, 267-68 on meditation retreats, 340
128, 131-32,
INDEX China, People's Republic of, Tibet oppressed by, 3, 87,
383
Czestochowa, Black Madonna
88-89, 329, 348-49, 371
Chisos Mountains, 8
background
Chod, 369
Byzantine Church and, 335 Everest), 22
Chos Kyi Nyima: background of, 64
51-52, 160, 161 in, 144
as
Cleary,
263
pilgrimage arrival as political
225
at,
symbol, 155, 190-91, 263, 280,
286 roadside shrines to, 199
movement
and, 279-81, 281,
293-96
U.S. copy of, 256, 25 7, 272
Czestochowa, Tex., Black Madonna
in,
256,
Czestochowa, Warsaw pilgrimage
to, 203,
209, 226-27, 281
advice offered for, 179, 181, 195, 202, 223
distance of, 167
252
fatality suffered on,
colors:
enlightenment stages and, 153, 370
288-89, 337, 341-42
CoMadres (Committee of Mothers and Relatives
of Political Prisoners, Disappeared and Assassinated of El Salvador),
206
on Feast of the Assumption, 167 government surveillance and, 171, 172-73, 199, 204-5, 214-18 Group 15 Gold on, 196, 197, 199, 230-32 group organization
276-77
in,
183, 196, 201, 221,
222
206-10
compassion, 107
hardships
concentration camps, 234-42
masses
confession, 210, 211
origin of, 183,
conversion experiences, 310, 320
overnight accommodations on, 200
cotTalon, defined,
289-
children on, 208, 209
Saint, 161
Colafrancesco, Terry, 305, 306
of, 153,
vs.,
arrival of, 220-25 ceremony of apology on, 220-21
100
Thomas, 77 Clement of Alexandria,
Lagos
257, 272
53-54, 161
in,
los
patron of Poland, 50, 190-91
290
Catholic Church, Catholicism
symbolism
337
physical descriptions of, 191-92, 225,
159, 161
in,
Christ in the Desert Monastery, 14
Colon i as,
Madonna de
286, 290,
early female deities in,
mystical tradition
288-89
healing abilities of, 220, 225, 260
75
jungian archetypes found
chuba,
of,
ecumenical symbol, 197
Solidarity
Christianity:
Marian worship
189-90
of,
as grain protectress,
69, 70-71, 310 mother of, 338 rose symbolism and, 24 S on sacred sites, 66-67 on Tara image at Pharping, 64-65 as teacher, 69-71, 74, 75, 76-77, 103 on visualization, 102 Christian Gnostic Gospels, 50-51
see also
darkness as
Buddhist ceremonies administered by, 68,
vs.,
(Madonna of
daily viewing periods for, 190, 192, 193
Chogyey Trichen, 94
Chomolungma (Mount
Buddhism
at
Jasna Gora), 194, 228
255, 264
of,
for,
progress
of,
181, 204,
229-31 290
198, 204, 213, 218, 220
222-23
Cortes, Hernando, 259
rosary said on, 212-13,
Cortez, Pete, 259, 260, 261, 262
singing on, 199, 201-2, 203, 204, 208,
cosmic red, 288-89
218-19
cosmology, 153-54
size of, 182,
Craig, Mary, 319,
washing
367
195-96, 199, 290
facilities
on, 207
Craighead, Meinrad, 161 crematoria, 238-39, 240
"Cry
for Land, A,"
Dalai
366
Cult of Tara, The (Beyer), 22,
Lama (Tenzin
Gyatso), 91, 34)
author's audience with, 80, 82,
77
author's
358
dream
of,
91-96
168-69, 287
Cushman, Jim, 267-68
Buddhist nuns and, 114, 115 ceremonies performed by, 327, 328, 346
Cybele, 145, 146
ebullience of, 96
Cult of the Black Virgin, The (Begg),
8
INDEX
384
Lama (Tenzin Gyatso)
Dalai
on enemies
as teachers,
in exile, 87,
88-89,
1
1
(com.
Group
)
30—31, 139
IS
Gold headed
by, 183, 196,
10
in
Krakow, 233
Five Point Peace Plan of, 329, 349, 368
name day
on mental attitude, 129-30, 346-48 monastery of, 100 Nobel Peace Prize awarded to, 345, 346
physical appearance of, 183 playfulness of, 202
physical appearance of, 129
on
political issues
and, 130-31, 294, 329,
346-49
public lectures given by, 128-31, 244, 245,
346-48 reputation of, 89 security precautions established for, 128
U.S. visited by, 327,
215-18
secret police,
singing efforts of, 204, 218
on Walesa, 290-91 on women priests, 202 Dorje Phagmo, 357 Dowie, Anne, 347 Keith, 28
Doyle, Tara:
background
49, 355
of,
on Buddha Tara, 49
175
of,
celebration given for, 201
prayers led by, 212-13, 222-23
Dowman,
on sexual equality, 95, 96 on Tara, 94-95 on teachers, 93-94 Tibetan palace
345-49
Buddhist ceremonies undergone by, 68, 69,
dark matter, 153-54
70, 71
Chos Kyi Nyima and, 64
darkness:
divergent symbolic meanings
of,
152, 173
meditation and, 67, 68, 72
of female gods, 30-31
Nepal
transformation process and, 150-52
on Pharping excursion,
see also
Dasara,
black
Prema (Kelzang Drolkar), 121-26, 129
Davis Mountains, 8
Dawa Drolma, deity yoga,
slide
show presented
by, 48—49 59-60
trek led by, 50 Dragan (Yugoslavian guide), 302-3, 304, 316 Dragicevic, Ivan, 306, 312, 314-15, 317
Drolma, 165
Dudjom Rinpoche, 329
1 1
Delhi:
dulia,
84-85 121, 124-27
159
political tension in,
Dupchok
railway travel to,
Durga, 25-28, 30, 50
79,
58,
Dragicevic, Mirjana, 319
341
death squads, 271, 273, 366
deloa,
230-
232
Gyaltsen, 99, 100-104, 106, 108, 120
dying, process of, 324-27, 370
356
Demeter, 359, 360 DePazzi, Maria Madalena, 54
Eastern Orthodox Church,
De
Eckhart, Johannes (Meister Eckhart), 53, 161
Schmidt, Aurora Camacho, 365
de Vaca, Alvar Nunez Cabeza, 8
Eight Fears, 100, 332
Dharamsala, 86, 114
Einsiedeln, Black
Madonna
Dharma, 69, 119, 120 Diamond Sangha, 77
cultural roots of,
Diana, 52, 335, 337
darkness
chapel
of,
1
36,
1
50,
1
1
59
at,
140
54
Diego, Juan, 246—48
156-S8 49-50, 135, 139, 154-56 18th-century restoration of, 155-56
Dilgo Khyentse, 94
healing powers attributed to, 139
Diopeies,
hymn sung
335
disappeared, the,
275-77
Divina Pastora, La,
338
Dolma
Gyari,
of,
137-38
Kali vs., 50, 57, 134, 135, 157
90-91
physical descriptions of, 49, 50,
Dominik, Father, 203
on Auschwitz-Birkenau 238, 240
to,
Jung on, 156
political visit,
confessions heard by, 210,
234-35, 237-
St.
svmbolism
211-12
136-37
155
Meinrad and, 148-50, 152, 154 development symbolized by, 142
spiritual
on Czestochowa Madonna, 197, 289-91 English-speaking skills of, 197, 210, 21 1-12
of,
storv of, 360 Ekelof,'
Gunnar, 180
Ekner, Reidar,
1
34
—
9
INDEX
385
famiK background 250. 127-21
Bade, Mnxia. 3S6 r_
nl. =
it:*
•
n
-"j"
*.".•"
rr.»t
Mack-nm
r;
pobcv
akl
S
tor.
marriages
24S-7I, 322
of.
1
:
ntwiiui irm experiences
252-53 :-
M
:-".--:
67-61 74-75
asnt-other. 13
Buddha,
brmmn. «««,
18-19. 166
17.
21.
Nepali
16-17, 20-21,
of.
102-4
"_.
M U
14
"niliimi
li
143
15
of,
jJiJ -f SB experienced by. 35-43
163-64
ime given
370
stages of,
249-
.-
rt.
H_-___i-i_-
:•-.
261
:r_-.-r.z.-
of historical
167. 186, 246.
of,
t
-
_r.
273, 274
far,
poirtxal violence in. 26*
U
:::-:-
::'
Elder. Jack. 233
to.
experiences
71 of,
9-13, 14
Ephrata. 53 = '•--«-
Evan
:-.
~5-t-_-_£
Choden.^ 340-41
godof.
•',-
30-31
:-:-
.
•Mtherfaood and. 53-54. 158. 161
m
at. 130. 133.
natural settings, 49. 50
need
160-61 149
for.
sabeth Scot-safer. 161 fiscber. Carer. 331
1-— -J
13.
;-,-_-.;
r.zzzzs.zr.z>.
:-;_i~.
:
:
_r"rl
Eofc
—— -!
_
:••-
Mi_-i
249 210-11
Forcnp. Caxorvn. forgn-eness,
162
145
God, female images of 1 5 the Mother. 158, 161 Goethe, Johann Wolfgang --on. 52 ,
r: .-
Four
1
:
— t-;
None
:_--;]
Truths,
1
Fax, Matthew. 160-61
Gaida Bough. The (Frazer"
France, Black -----
176-79. 260. 336.
5_r
Gt-U-»
^
-38
i
rrsz-
in,
>-.-
35•
'
_.i
:
U3
z-.-zri-
:--
::•
.r.
r_Lr.
_r_
'
t,
::-t_:~.t
l":-~~
:.5i::-ri-rt
-_-.-
Great Mother, 287, 288, 336-37 _•
_z
'.
r -s~~
Z-fr.
:_:—_. :• ; — "-
peace activisn. and, 242—43
51
:5"
::f
_•"—".
rrr.i*.-r—i_-. "Ur.tr.-er
"'
-'
-
--_^l-j_
*41 '•"ttr.
3
7ke (Taranthai. 361
fj
'
j
_-:•-_-
Coflms and LaPier-
W-r.
;:'
:•_.--_-:
•
God
-
:
_ _._.-_:-
t^itrr:
i:
126-27, 340 -
'
20-21
Green Tara: aJacritr of, 100, 101
i.
Catholic background of. 13, 14-15, 19-20.
102-3, 138-39, 186-87, 211-13 ^—~~ -" -:-•::'
-r-.:
:39-42. 353
_.-.;-
=
l.__t
color of. 30
:'::
:-
in aspect of, 107
244-45 VkgiDof. 246-48 in. 266-67 for, 174, I7S
244
".
5
3
INDEX
386
Gunther, Marita, 325
initiations, 70,
Gustafson, Fred, 148-52, 154, 155, 156, 157,
Inner Mechanisms of the Healing Response,
360 Gyalwa Karmapa,
"In Quest of the Black Virgin" (Moss and Cap-
Gyatso, Tenzin,
367 1 1
Dalai
see
Lama
pannari), 359 INS (Immigration and Naturalization Service), 252, 255, 258, 263-65, 268, 364, 366 Institute for Noetic Sciences, 367
Gypsies, 176
Hagia Sophia, 335 "Hail Mary,"
108-9, 244-45, 246, 327
212-13
Buddhist School of Dialectics,
Institute for
Hancock, Lee, 159-60
INS
Hannibal, 146
International Conference
v. Catdoza-Fonseca,
366 Hayden, Delores, 355
International
"Healing Mind, The," 305
Iracka,
Anna, 288
Heart sutra, 33, 42
Ishtar,
145-47
Helcate, 147
Isis,
Hatfield, Larry D.,
1
14
265
on Buddhist Nuns,
114
Red
Cross, 235, 237
145, 147, 156-57, 335, 336, 337
Henderson, Jane, 160 Hildegarde of Bingen, 53, 161
Jamyang Choling,
Himalayas, deforestation of, 2
Jankowsky, Monsignor, 280-81, 282, 283-84, 286, 293
Hinduism:
Japanese Zen Buddhism:
animal sacrifice and, 25 female deities
of,
25-28
Great Mother Goddess sacred sites
of,
feminine images
vs.,
Jasna Gora,
29
Black
Hindus, Sikhs' political differences with, 84, Hider, Adolf, 237, 242
Hymn
Jelich, Nives, 316, 317, 321
Jetsun Kushola, 340-41, 370
287
Jewish Museum, 238
352-53
159
icons, 189,
Joan of Arc, Saint, 338 John Casimir, King of Poland, 191
289
John Paul
Ikona Wlodzimierska,
II,
Pope, 366
Johnson, Wendy, 340
Ignatius, Saint, 52
illness, spiritual
of:
183
Swedish military attack on, 191
to the Goddess,
hyperdulia,
Czestochowa,
336-37
seal of,
307-8
to Kali,
of,
see
pilgrimage initiated by, 183
190, 336
Hopis, 328-29, 330, 368
Hymns
22
Madonna of, Madonna at
Jasna Gora, Monastery
name
86, 87, 133
holiness,
in,
Mahayana Buddhism and, 20
287
60
of, 56,
Tibetan Buddhism
Hodeaetria,
1 1
289
path found through, 79-80
Immaculate Conception, Our Lady
of,
259
Juan Diego, 246-48 Julian of Norwich, 53, 161 Jung, Carl:
Inanna, 145
on on on on
India:
students
Immigration and Naturalization Service (INS), 252, 255, 258, 263-65, 268, 364, 366
imminence, 370
caste system of, 18
independence gained by, 133
addiction,
47
alchemy, 150-51, 152 archetypes, 144
Madonna of
Einsiedeln,
of, 50,
141
Jung Institute, 50, 135, 148 Jurek (Polish driver), 195, 196
Polish connection with, 132
84-87, 121-22, 128 123-24 121, 124-27
political tensions in,
Kabbalah, 351
public prayer in,
Kahawai, 11, 78, 99
railway travel
in,
Indian Country (Matthiessen),
Indrahar Pass, 109
368
Kalachakra, 327, Kalff,
328
Dora, 141-42, 162, 358
Kalff, Martin, 142,
162
1
56
5
S
INDEX on meditation practices, 102-4, 106-8 on Tara, 100, 106-8
Kali:
consort
29
of,
creation
of,
darkness
26
Lodi Gardens, 244
27-28
Luke, Gospel According
of,
Madonna
Eins)edeln
of,
56—57
Machado, Antonio, 74 Machig Labdron, 143, 338, 369
McLeod
26-27
as warrior,
Kalsang
Ngodup
Shaklho, 92
sect,
los Lagos,
251-52, 260—
261
Madie de
328
los
Desapareados (Mother of the Disap-
peared), 273, 274
340
Katagiri Roshi,
Madies de
Kelpius, Johann, 12, 53, 355
Kennedv Memorial Human Rights Award, 277
Robert
Ganj, 87
.Madonna de San Juan de
Kannon, 22 Kargyu
360
luminescence, 370
176
30-31, 59-60, 157
vs.,
to,
Luke, Saint, 189
338
vs.,
peaceful depiction of,
Tara
50, 54, 134, 135, 157
vs.,
Gvpsv meaning
Mary
387
F.
la
275-77
Plaza del .Mayo,
146
.Magna Mater,
'
Kenyon, David
V.,
366
Mahaprajapati, 115-16 mahasiddhas,
1
and Compassicm (Gvatso), 96
Kindness, Garity
King, Martin Luther,
Jr.,
mala,
30
mandala, 68
294, 362
koans, 68, 77, 99
Mani Rimbu, Mara, 18-19
KOR
Marv:
Kisen, Sekito, ix
(Workers Defense Committee), 285, 367
Krakow, Poland, 233 Kramer, Samuel Noah, 145
as divine
238
power, 158-59, 161
273-75 342—43
as fierce protectress,
image
jovful
of,
Kali vs., 338
Yin, 22
Tara
Duke
of Opole, 183
vs.,
160, 310-11, 336
147
virginity of,
Lahsang, 346, 349
worship prescribed
Lakshmi, 15
see also
for,
1
59
Medjugorje, apparitions witnessed at
Marys, three, 176, 177
lamas:
hierarchy of,
93-94
reincarnation
of,
Matthew, Father, 139, 167 Matthiessen, Peter, 368
100, 102
Lao Tzu, 170 latria,
Maya, Queen,
LeksheTsomo, Le Puy,
105, 113-14,
116-19
272-73
Vierge Soir at,
Works and
of,
16—17, 67
visualization in,
Madonna
176-79, 260, 336, 337
Librarv of Tibetan
meditation:
rudiments
338
Les Saintes-Maries-de-la-Mer, Black in,
1 1
Mechtild of Magdeburg, 53
159
Lentz, Robert,
Archives, 88,
120
67-68, 70
walking, 205
Medjugorje, apparitions witnessed apocalvptic overtones
ecumenical nature
of,
of,
305-6, 317-18
government reaction
Linear-B script, 147
healing incidents and, 306,
Lobsang Tsephel, 244—45, 246
messages
of,
onset
299, 302
276-77
Locho, 99-108, 120, 162
on lamas reincarnation, 100, 102 '
of,
petitions to,
at:
318-19, 321
Lindegger, Peter, 143, 144-48, 156, 336, 359
locos,
335-38,
358, 359
Kunsang Dechen (Yum Kusho), 338-39, 369
Ladislaus,
3
cultural origins of, 144-48, 157,
Kordecki, Augustin, 191
Kwan
20, 351
Mahisa (Mahisasura), 26
24
khata, defined,
Kristallnacht,
66
Mahayana Buddhism,
Khampas, 90
to,
306
308—
307-8, 316-22
313-14
pilgrims to, 300-301, 304, 305
INDEX
388
Medjugorje, apparitions witnessed at (com.) visionaries of,
302-3, 304-5, 312, 314-15,
316
Newari
29
culture,
Newsweek, 50 151, 152, 153, 336
nigredo,
Meinrad, Saint, 148-50, 151, 152, 154, 161, 337
nirvana, defined, 18
Memory of Fire (Galeano), 247
Nobel Peace
Merkt, Stacey Lynn, 252, 253, 265, 268, 272
nonviolence, 130, 285, 286, 294
Merton, Thomas, 233
Notre
Mexico:
nuclear weapons, 329, 330
Black
Madonnas
of,
246-48, 251-52, 260-61
Immaculate Conception Madonnas
in,
259
Dame
Prize, 291, 345, 346,
362
337
de Confession,
nuns, Buddhist, 114-17 Nyingmapa School, 29, 329
Michener, James, 132 Michnik, Adam, 171, 285-86
Olson, Charles, 44
migrant workers, 262, 263
Order of the
260 243
defined,
milagritos,
military service,
53,
Woman
in the Wilderness,
1
2,
355
O'Reagan, Brendan, 305-6, 367
Milosz, Czeslaw, 278, 324
Origin of the Tara Tantra, The (Tarantha), 361
Monastery of Einsiedeln, 136, 137 Monastery of Jasna Gora, see Jasna Gora,
Osiantinski, Ewa, 281, 292, 299, 300
Monastery of monastic practice, 114-15, 137, 339
monsoons, 1-2 Montserrat, Black
Madonna
of,
Osiantinski, Wiktor,
281-82
Our Lady of Guadalupe, 155 Our Lady of Montserrat, 192, 337 Our Lady of the Immaculate Conception, 259
192, 337
Moore, Jonathon, 268, 271 Morel, Father, 176-77
"Moses and the Shephard" (Rumi), 299 Moss, Leonard W., 154, 359 Mothergod, 161 motherhood: active view vs. passive vision of, 273-75 divinity of, 53-54, 147-48
Pa dm a Amrita, 341
Padmasambhava,
24, 29, 66,
339
50-51, 161
Pagels, Elaine,
Palden Lhamo, 59, 60 Paracelsus, 174 Pasierb, Janusz,
Paul
I,
288-89
Saint, 192
Paul the Hermit, Saint, 336
joyful aspects of,
343
Pausanias, 147
as spiritual path,
78
Pavlovic, Marija, 304-5, 308-9, 311, 314-21,
Mothers of the Disappeared, 275-76 Mother Worship (Preston, ed.), 49, 359
Mountaineering Center,
1
10
322 Peace Project, 243-44, 279, 323
Penados del Barrio, Prospero, 366
Mount Everest (Chomolungma), 22 Mount Tamalpais, 346
Persephone, 359
Murcott, Susan, 77, 78, 358
Pharping, Tara image
Peter, Uncle, 251
49, 58, 59-65, 61,
at,
94
Muslims, 318
pilgrimage:
to Czestochowa, see Czestochowa,
Nagarjuna, 361 Nahuatl, 247
name
days, 201
to
Namgyal Monastery, 100 National
Warsaw
pilgrimage to
Academy of
Science, 330
Madonna de San Juan de
walking experience Pius IX, Pope, 359
National Refugee Rights Project, 264
Pius XI, Pope, 248
Native Americans, 328-30, 368
Podbrdo
Nazis:
Poland:
Hill,
302, 304,
concentration camps run by, 235-42
air pollution in,
INS
anti-Semitism
neo-Nazis,
241-42
Neumann,
Erich,
255
48
los Lagos,
261
212
Pilgrimage for Active Peace, 346
National Council on Alcoholism, 354
policies vs.,
of,
221,
in,
309-10 234-35
295
Communist government 221
of,
170-73, 185,
INDEX government surveillance
in,
215-18, 296—
297, 298
in,
219-20
name dav political
celebrations
changes
refugees, Central American:
190-91
military history of,
in,
at
201
279, 280, 282, 283,
in,
Casa de
taxi regulations in, 292,
Merced, 253-58, 263
267-68
as,
flow
252, 364, 365
of,
policies and, 255, 258,
263-65, 365,
366
297
movement
Solidarity
la
children
INS
284, 296
see also
Cross, 264 Tara, 341
Refugee Act (1980), 265, 365
Indian connection with, 132
medical care
Red Red
389
267-68, 365
legal services for, 258,
Poland (Michener),'l32
political violence suffered by,
Polish people:
Sanctuary
dry
humor
203
of,
Book of, 52-53 Ricardo (Honduran refugee), 256-58 Revelation,
207
asylum, 263-65, 364, 365, 366, 367
234-35
pollution, 221,
356
Religions of Tibet (Tucci),
292
hospitality of, 282,
politeness of,
Rigdzin Ling, 341 Rige
Champa
Choling, 361
"Praise of Khadiravani Tara" (Nagarjuna), 361
Rio Grande River, 9-11, 251
hajnaparamita, 33, 42
Rio Grande Valley:
Prakrit,
176
Pravirti,
19
agriculture
in,
250-51
Central American refugees
123-24
prayer, public,
prayer wheels, 34,
1
255-56, 266-71
and, 252-53, 268
reincarnation, 100, 102
flowers given by, 292
political
movement
in,
252-53,
263-65, 364
24
roadside shrines, 199
Precepts for the Order of Interbeing (Thich
F. Kennedv Memorial Award, 277 Rock Slide, 10-11
Robert
Human
Rights
'
Nhat Hanh), 323, 363 Preston, James J., 359 priests,
women, 187-88,
Rodriguez, Pedro, 261-62
202, 229
ProBar, 365^
Roman
Proserpina, 359
Romero, Oscar, 252, 322, 366
Room
Protestantism, 159, 160
hoytao puja,
Lbertad, 258,
267-68, 365
roses,
Punjab, political tension Purisima, La,
in,
86-87, 121-22
259
212-13, 222-23 of, 245—48
Roy, Sunil, 84, 132
Rumi, 299
66-67
sacred
quintessence, 153
Sackmasa, Chief, 330
50-53
sites,
sadhanas, St.
Ra, 177
355-56
Brygid's Church, 280, 281-82, 283
St Victor's Church, 337 Sakya Lama, 93-94
racism, 152, 242 radiance,
145, 146
symbolism
Quakers, 53
Quispel, Gilks,
in,
of Children, 236
rosary,
defined, 29
Empire, Cvbele cult
370
Sakyamuni,
Rahula, 18, 351
Rakowski (Polish
see
Buddha
Sakya Trizin, 370 politician), 282, 293,
300
Samdhang Dorjc Phagmo, 102
Ramprasad, 30-31, 353 Rand, Yvonne, 326-27, 331, 340 rangjung, 65, 120
Sandokai (Kisen), ix
94
Sandvoss, Inge, 341
rangjung lamas,
ravens, symbolic role played by,
336-37
Sanctuarv movement, 252-53, 268, 322, 365
San Francisco Zen Center. leadership difficulties
Reagan, Ronald, 203 red, cosmic,
149-50, 151.
Sanchez, Brenda, 253, 268-71, 367
288-89
of,
67
Soto Zen School and, 20 see also
Green Gulch Farm
D
390
sangha, defined, 67,
69
resistance tactics used by, 285-86, 294,
Madonna
San Juan, Tex., Black
249, 251 —
at,
259-62
252, 253,
Santa Elena,
Soto Zen School, 20
9-10
South Africa,
Santa Maria Maggiore, 190 Sara, Saint,
298
Solomon, King, 145
176
Sanskrit,
X
E
176-79, 178, 260, 336
Sarah, Saint, 192,
spiritual
336
development, Black Madonna
of,
142-43, 162
Champa Lodro
political Sri
initiation and, 174,
literary efforts of,
175
369-70
made
Tara retreat
by, 142
Schell, Jonathan, 285,
339-40 movements and, 294
Devi, 59
Strohmeyer, Marian, 254-56, 259, 263, 278
286
stupa, defined,
34
Schmidt, Erik Hein, 65, 66, 71, 77
Suddhodana, 18
scopalamine, 39, 353
suffering, 19,
Acevedo Movement Against Torture,
276
68 Sumbha, 26-27 58
sunyasin, defined,
Supreme Court,
security procedures, 128 selective service,
370
Stuart, Maurine, 340,
student-teacher relationships, 69-71, 75
327, 331
visit of,
265
U.S.,
Suro, Robert, 364
243
Swayambhunath, 72 Sweden, Poland invaded by, 190-91
Senesh, Hannah, 238 Sera Monastery, 334
340
Swierczyna, Bernard, 238
Seven American Utopias (Hayden),
355
syncretism, 359
29-30, 117-18
sexuality,
Shakers, S3
Taking Refuge, 68-69
Shamanism (Eliade), 356
Tantra of Great Liberation, 27
Shekinah, 54, 355
Tantric Mysticism
Sherpas,
3,
of
Tibet,
The (Blofeld), 109,
355-56
22
tantric practices, 29, 70, 108-9,
Shikibu, Izumi, 241
Siddhartha Gautama,
see
Buddha
85-86, 87, 133 Tomasz, 291, 292, 296-98
Tara:
Sikhs, 84,
Black, 120
Sikorski,
boat imagery and, 336
Simon, Paul, 128
as
Simple Treasures (Johnson),
Sisters
340
287
74-75 movement:
legalization of, 171
95
fierceness of, 30, 342, 352
of, 196, 221,222, 224 Czestochowa Madonna and, 224, 263, 279-81, 281, 286, 290, 293-96
Gdansk headquarters
female enlightenment and, 163-64 as feminist,
banner
of, 171,
59-60
333
Slavko, Father, 304, 311, 312, 313
development
107
enlightenment achieved by, 21, 95, 165,
Sixteenth Karmapa, 328
Solidarity
of,
emptiness symbolized by, 341-42
of Mercy, 253, 254
sobriety,
Buddha, 158, 165-66, 333
compassion
cultural origins of,
defined, 3
Slavic culture,
117-18,
355-56
Shiva, 28, 29, 56
sirdar,
sym-
lay practice of,
audience, 163, 164,
166
Green Tara
sesshin,
as
addiction recovery and, 45, 47
background
Sebastian
90
of,
spirituality:
Sawas, Carol:
U.S.
problems
bol of, 142
Sarnowski, Kryziek, 199
at
racial
Spark from Heaven (Craig), 367
284-86 for,
282, 283
forms of, 30, 54, 58, 108, 332, 341, 361 Green, 30, 100, 101, 107, 174, 175, 244245, 246, 334, 357
hymns
to,
58-59, 82, 123-24, 333-34,
368-69 initiation ceremony and, 70 361,
INDEX in
independence sought by, 346, 348-49
Japanese Zen Buddhism, 22
mantra
Mary
legendary origins
30-31, 59-60, 157
Kali vs.,
vs.,
168, 310-11,
336
tika
spiritual
powder used
development symbolized by, 142 163-65, 331, 332-34, 342
as tantric deity,
word
for,
four main schools
Hinduism
vs.,
328
of,
29
male-female symbolic union
29 165
Twenty-one aspects
self-arising
of, 30, 108,
163
White, 23, 30, 107, 333
images
sexual union
in,
in,
65, 120
29-30
student-teacher relationship stressed
Tara
teachers:
visualization practices of,
students' relationships with, 69-71, 75 76, 77, 78, 94, 97, 119-20,
338-39, 356, 369, 370
339
Texas Conferences of Churches, 264 Theotokos,
S.,
62-64
335
Theravada Buddhism, 20, 351 Therigata,
masters
55, 77,
166
in,
108-9
338-39, 356, 369
Zen Buddhism vs., 356 Buddhism tin trade, 337-38 130-31
Tonantzin, 247 transformation, color symbolism
of,
289
translucence, 370 travel, security
terrorism, 128
Thapa, G.
75
see also
tolerance,
Tempelman, David, 361 Temple of Diana, 52 Tenzin Geyche Tethong, 92, 95, 96 termas,
in, 21, 22,
women
130-31 selection of, 118-19 as,
as,
in,
117-18,
355-56
Tara Tullcu, 310 Tashi Tsering, 120
women
1Q2-3
tantric practices in, 29, 70, 108-9,
Tarantha, Jo-nan, 361
enemies
in,
origins of, 24
Tibetan progenitor, 61
Tibetan
in, 3
flower imagery and, 244-46
on, 289
stories of,
as
Chinese attack on, 88-89
compassion stressed
Red, 341 red
114-15, 116
bhiksuni lineage in,
Pharping, 49-50, 58, 59-65, 61, 94
at
61-62
of,
Tibetan Buddhism:
106
of,
391
procedures and, 128
Trogme, Jane, 341 Troma, 341 Tucci, Guiseppi, 356 Tulku, defined, 64 Tulshig Rinpoche, 24, 25
Tushita Meditation Center, 109-13
78
Thich Nhat Hanh:
Twenty-one
Praises to Tara, 123-24,
368-69
children taught by, 340
fourteen ethical precepts of, 243, 244, 323,
362-63
Ugratara, 30 unions, American attitudes toward, 263
pacifism of, 243, 279
walking meditation taught by, 205, 321
"United States Refugee Policy and Central America" (De Schmidt), 365 of, 66-67 Renewing Border Detentions" 364-65
Third Reich, 265
uranium, natural locations
Thomas, Gospel of, 50 Thupten Jinpa, 92 Thupten Sangye, 120 Thurman, Robert, 357, 370 Thyangboche Monastery, 3, 24 Tiananmen Square, 349
"U.S.
Is
(Suro),
Vajrayana, 70, 108-9 Varanasi, 56
Venus, 147, 148
Tibet:
Vidya, 353
Chinese repression
in, 3, 87,
88-89, 329,
348-49, 371 environmental damage
to,
329
Five Point Peace Plan for, 329, 368
four main monasteries history of,
in,
87-89, 90-91
334
Vietnamese Buddhist Peace Delegat on, 362
Vietnam War, 243 Pancho, 9
Villa,
Virgen de San
Juan
262 Virgin, see
Mary
del Voile,
251-52, 253, 259-
1
INDEX
392
Virgin Kardiotissa,
342—43 246-48
enlightenment achieved by, 21, 163-64
Virgin of Guadalupe, visas, 128,
spiritual practice for, 339,
171
119-20,
338-39, 356, 369, 370
Vishnu, 15 visionaries,
340—41
as teachers, 76, 77, 78, 94, 97,
302-3, 304-5, 312, 314-15, 316
74-75, 108-9
visualization techniques, 70,
Women
in the Wilderness, 12,
50
Women of Wisdom (Allione), 77 "Women Who Have Grown Old with Knowl-
Walesa, Lech, 295
edge," 358
access to, 281-82,
284
Woodroffe,
Sir
John (Arthur Avalon), 352
Czestochowa Madonna and, 279-80, 281, 290-91, 293-96
Workers Defense Committee (KOR), 285, 367
Nobel Prize awarded
Wysyzynski, Cardinal, 294
to,
291
296 government and, 284, 300 press conference given by, 293-96 walking, 73, 74, 80-81, 205-6, 212 Warner, Marina, 355 Wawel Casde, 132, 233 Weber, Andy, 101 white, cultural symbolism of, 337
worship, Catholic degrees
of,
1
59
physical appearance of, 292,
Polish
White, Meryl, 28
White Tara,
23,
Yeshe Tsogyel, 29, 338, 339, 369 Yiga Chozin Center for the Study of
Buddhism and Psychology,
107
300 (Kunsang Dechen), 338-39, 369
political tensions in,
Yum Kusho
the Virgin Black?" (Moss and Cap-
pannari), 50
Wiercinski, Andrzej,
zabuions, defined,
286-88
1 1
Zalecki, Jadwiga, 188, 189, 195,
Buddhist verse on, 25
author's friendship with,
spiritual transformations attained in, 13,
at
community
in,
12,
50
life of,
188
physical appearance of, 182
Warsaw
161, 335
pilgrimage and, 181, 182-84, 195
189-90
Wolkstein, Diane, 145
Zalecki, Marian,
womb
Zavko, Jozo, 306, 320, 321
imagery, 53, 54
Zen Buddhism,
women: as Christian clergy,
229
159-60, 187-88, 202,
184-88
Czestochowa Madonna, 190, 192, 193
home
150 Utopian
224-29
Zalecki, Josef:
wilderness:
Wisdom,
142,
162, 334
Adriatic coast of, 302 of,
peaceful aspect of, 30 Is
Yemaya, 338 Yeshe Dawa, 163-65, 332
Yugoslavia:
333
compassionate aspect
"Why
Yasodhara, 18
Zohar,
1,
20, 22
351
Zumarraga, Bishop, 247
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