Longing for darkness: Tara and the Black Madonna 0140121846

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TARA AND THE BLACK MADONNA

for the

'The heartfelt account of a search feminine face of God. .vivid, vulnerable, and courageous" The New York Times Book Review

—

.

CHINA GALLAND ^

LA / Longing for Darkness

Longing For Darkness joins a venerable tradition of adven-

"Exhilarating

.

ture

that

stories

.

.

take

place

and inner landscapes

outer

the

in

—

multaneously."

"Galland can write beautifully.

.

.

.

si-

San Francisco Chronicle

Iluminating and moving, travel writing

at its best"

—New

Statesman

f

us help

n

selfishly

relieved

for protection

— no

tent,

has only

no food, only what he can

fin

thin coat

along the

Lunch

(Author)

stop.

way or draw

is

given.

Then

there

inspiration. Little

made

dren, so she

this

Dominik, age

is little

six,

from

whom

Dominik's mother was unable to have

Madonna seven

pilgrimage to the

I

chil-

years ago.

She became pregnant and made the pilgrimage the following year during her

last

the pilgrimage sixth year of

month of pregnancy. on August

8,

Little

Dominik was born during

the feast day of

making the pilgrimage, and

Dominic. This

St.

at age six,

he

is

is

his

walking

every bit of the way, very proud of himself.

When

I

see

what other people have

their shoes or physical condition,

own

blisters

become very

small.

Am

can veer so far in that direction, but in the

world,

after days

life is

hard.

of walking

I

am

We

to

and the

with, whether

it's

making,

my

being masochistic? Catholicism

I

I

work

effort they are

don't think

forget.

I

so.

For most people

had no context

discovering that

if

I

just

at first,

make

the

but

initial

LONGING FOR DARKNESS

210

morning to

effort in the

part

is

putting

and

start,

then

don't want to stop.

I

in truth, bearable. Seeing

is,

toll,

I

from everything and everyone

my morning

up

up any

possible to get it

while

we

me

I

know

is

having an

much more

on the

say her mantra

its

isolation

have tried

I

would be im-

it

we

walk, so

me

difficult for

to take

The

effect.

earlier to sit quietly before

I

on.

feel stripped emotionally.

meditations on Tara, but

are walking,

centrated. Afterwards

are contending

expended during the day begins

physical energy

my defenses wear down,

to keep

background

like a

what others

with and the fact that they are contending spurs

The

The hardest

shoes back on in the morning; that hurts. But

few kilometers, the pain becomes

after the first

noise

my

do

I

to stay con-

finger rosary I've

brought from Switzerland.

Today to

make

watch

I

people drop behind the group with Dominik

as

a confession during the day.

to confession.

I

we

munication

want Dominik have

I

have had no thought of going

as a friend; further,

what

little

com-

clouded by our lack of language. Often

is

am we

I

unclear as to what he has understood of the brief conversations

have been able to carry on.

But

as

I

realize that

walk I

most of

a parent,

morning

this

I

see each of

my

all

for having

been an

and

children's faces

have not forgiven myself for mistakes

have

I

alcoholic.

made

The

as

lack of

forgiveness creates an underlying intolerance, a thin, hard rind around

my

heart.

To

forgive

Unable to forgive myself,

means

I

can hardly forgive anyone

to cease to cherish displeasure in another.

not included myself. Further, forgiveness means that willing to give as a victim.

up any version of

The

my

story in

self-righteous anger that

such a position, whether justified or not, myself of to

do

it

this,

I

and to take

is

this.

I

have

have to be

depict myself

I

derive from cultivating

I

poisonous.

full responsibility for

do not know how to do

which

I

else.

my

life.

I

I

have to rid

do not want

Hours of walking

pass, rain

comes and goes, the sorrow deepens, the pain sharpens, and inability to

more

understand how

evident. Finally

I

am

I

my

can forgive myself becomes more and

willing to

do anything

to break through

PILGRIMAGE

THE

ON

dilemma, even talk to Dominik,

this

into this process of forgiveness.

hardness in

heart.

will

I

back behind the

fall

I

my

go to confession

line

think that I want you to hear u Yes?" he says, looking at

we have

in

me

fall

I

assure

my

confession."

puzzled,

knowing what

him

my

in

how

slowest English.

wind gusting

He

hard.

now

when

hearing confession, places

that I

I

fear

He

Dominik's rejection. will tell

man

is

me what

hundred

different.

will tell

must

I

He

anger, the resentments, the pride

my

feet or so,

and

is

so

me

I

cannot receive

He

listens carefully.

and bitterness that rid of.

I

I

words

hears out

would be

tell

him the

alcoholism.

are forgiven, of course.

here between us forgives you. I

around

The wind

us.

believe; but such

done with and have tried unsuccessfully to be

"You

it

have to loan Dominik a wool-knit watchcap. At each

never come. This

story of

up overhead, the

pile

and we begin.

communion. He

my

You must

takes out his purple stole,

are walking behind our group, one

revelation

difficulty

"You must

to forgive oneself.

an equal distance from the next group behind cold

I

confession."

the vestment a priest wears

We

Dominik, and

find

in,

behind the others. Thunderclouds

cool and the

his neck,

my me

about forgiveness, about

help me; please, hear

air is

walking

the weight of

all.

understanding one another.

very simple,"

"It's

We

am

I

feel

after

him. "I want to talk to you about forgiveness, Dominik.

signal to

talk to

have gleaned some insight

can actually

I

my

as a Catholic priest, despite

He must

years of enmity with the Church.

211

I

I

don't forgive you, Christ walking

am

only person,

cannot do such a thing, Christ does

your penance

is

to finish pilgrimage.

The confession has

lasted over

this.

It is

He

I

enough

two hours

am

only human.

understands. Please, difficult."

as

we

struggled to

understand each other. Sometimes Dominik could not understand

me

at all

and

I

had to repeat myself

words. Sometimes

him

closely.

I

again, slower, find different

was not sure he followed

By the time we

finish,

we

me and had to question I

are both exhausted emotion-

LONGING FOR DARKNE

212

ally.

S

has taken great effort and concentration on Dominik's part

It

two

to speak only in English for

me

from

S

hours.

It

has taken a great deal

acknowledge that despite the years and the depths

to

of my rejection of the Church, there are ways in which

am

I

Catholic

still. I

have not had a conversion experience.

Buddhism, yet

it

Catholic too.

don't

correct.

I

the path, to

I

am

fit

anywhere and

way of the

this as

pilgrim

I

hold of different traditions. The

always to walk, no matter what the country

is

knows no boundaries,

on the ground,

Dominik

me

asks

way

the

let

we walk on through

during the afternoon leaves

crosses over the borders.

He

are walking.

Now

lead.

I

me

one must walk,

feel

only begin to understand

time for thought.

to say the rosary with

explains,

it

the afternoon. All the praying in Polish

"You

him over the loudspeaker

Each day the rosary

after confession this afternoon.

Polish.

am

I

for the first time that feels

only the nameless way, and to find

one's feet

a student of

still

not separate from the way. Walking becomes the way

is

or culture. Pilgrimage is

am

walking along a nameless path. This walking creates

weave together the threads that

There

I

wonderfully freeing to acknowledge that

is

say

say 'Hail Mary' for

first

part English,

sung

is

we

we

as

sing rest in

me."

"But, Dominik, no one will understand. People won't like

me

Please don't ask

to

"China, you must. says with his

Can

I

warmest

It

"Hail Mary,

It

I

tell

All the while

good, English. Say for me, please," he

prayer? to

It

has been so

me

of grace, the Lord

women and

"Good.

is

comes back

full

blessed

is

you when to

we

it.

this."

smile.

remember the

said the rosary.

amongst

do

as is

I

years since

I

begin:

with Thee. Blessed

the fruit of say. It's

many

Thy womb,

art

Thou

Jesus."

okay."

are walking, walking. There

is

no end to

walking. Rain begins to splatter us and everyone pulls

up

a

this

hood or

throws on whatever rain gear they have simultaneously and walks on.

The sound of

stiff plastic

crinkling ripples through the

air.

Now hands

Dominik

me

PILGRIMAGE

THE

ON

me

signals

that

it is

213

time to begin the rosary and

the microphone.

"Hail Mary." It is

good to hear the words so

and

clearly

in English.

"Full of grace."

Yes,

I

mean

this,

Mother Mary, hear

my

prayer.

Thou amongst women."

"Blessed art

how great you are, greater than the Church has ever admitted you to be. You are not just the Mother of God, you are God the Mother, know who you are, and am happy to sing your praises, Yes,

I

I

Mary, hear

"And Yes,

my

prayer.

blessed

you

Thy womb,

the fruit of

is

you are a

too, Christ Child,

Jesus."

ripe fruit, raspberry, apple,

plum, something red, something red with blue, a purple stains the

mouth, marks the

lips, is

sweet, fragrant,

you

juicy, tender, soft, inviting to eat. Yes, in truth I

about you.

I

love you.

I

too,

I

full

me

now.

have come

I

of liquid,

can say these things

have always loved you and

had no way to love you. Hear

fruit that

thought

I

all

the

way

to Poland to sing to you. I

hand the microphone back to Dominik to complete the prayer,

"Matka bozska ..." he sings in Polish to the accompaniment of the sisters

on tambourine and

again.

I

can do

these prayers.

this.

What

I

Then he hands me

guitar.

am happy

the microphone

walking next to Dominik singing

better thing to

do

as

we walk under

this

storm-

filled sky. It

we

on during the afternoon and by the time

has rained off and

get to our campsite for the night

it

very muddy.

is

walked over thirty-four kilometers, some say

it

was

ometers because our route was changed at the

last

the sixth consecutive day of walking.

decide to set I

up

my

find a place near Jola

to an

open

see

he can help

if

where

tent

field.

Vesa

me

is

am

up

my

is

bag and

rather than look further. a

narrow lane that

farmyard barn.

my

have

minute. This

stumble with

and Aska along

in the

set

I

I

We

thirty-eight kil-

tent as

I

I

go to

can do

little

find

leads

him

to

more than

LONGING FOR DARKNESS

214

When

walk.

down

look

begins to laugh at me.

what I'm wearing, an ochre

at

a blue scarf fallen

around

and laugh myself.

"I guess

along.

man

step into the barn, a

I

my I

look pretty funny/'

am

I

back to

is

my

him speak Have

hostile.

I

am

I

up

it

With

and

a derisive tone

I

feel

man

this

scalded and turn red. Here

is

havior

is

when two young good

one

English,

is,

me

find

What am

I

to

make of

be crying?

duck into

I

Jola

cannot stop.

must be exhausted. and Aska's tent to

Two men

as

man who

a second

is

sarcastic

and

polite

friendly. This be-

know

I

so

this?

begin to cry,

I

water

he has been watching

completely out of character with the pilgrims

Tears well up and

I

dumping the

have walked with or had any

I

form of communication with has been

I

in very

asked Darek, one of the young Scouts, to help

and unfriendly. Until now, everyone

far.

am me

I

turn quickly and go

I

standing by a corn field

we've walked past farms. Whoever

me.

distincdy

is

"Water, please, Darek, water, water," openly mocking the times

says, I've

past.

good

alone.

tent stakes out of the tent bag onto the ground,

men walk

in very

has never spoken to

seen him before?

tent site to begin to set

Five minutes later

He

English.

go

say, trying to

and

cut to the quick, embarrassed, and feel foolish.

surprised to hear

before and

I

sinister

"You don't know how funny." He

English he says,

a skirt,

neck, tennis shoes and gray leggings,

The man's tone suddenly becomes

unfriendly.

poncho over

rain

I

I

I

can't stop myself.

know

don't

Why should

what's happening.

try to get hold of myself, but

were rude to me,

is

I

still

that any reason to

fall

apart?

"Please stop crying, says, but

I

we

so far in one day as sion

can't bear to see

how

hard

I

you so sad try.

I

like this," Jola

have never walked

have today. Having Dominik hear

my

deepened the intensity of the day beyond the sheer

of the experience.

hidden inside that I

I

cannot, no matter

I

I

was able to speak

him of the sadness

had over leaving the Church twenty years

had never spoken of

physically

fully to

confes-

physicality

this,

nor even recognized

it

before.

I

ago.

am raw

and emotionally.

i

i

•

1

1

1

1

"You must

ON

THE

tell

me who

'That's absurd! they're feeling? likes

PILGRIMAGE

They may

Everybody

two men

these

are," she says.

going to

me

like

.

who knows how

have been tired too,

isn't

215

and not everyone

Americans. In some countries people are rude to you simply

many Poles make something

because you're an American. I've been spoiled because so

Americans. There's nothing to

like

out of

don't want to

it. I

I'm just exhausted."

it,

"No, you don't understand, you must "Jola,

telling

me," she

tell

you who they

says insistently.

are.

I

don't

know

would have to go find them, point them out, that would make matters worse. And then you would scold them. That's

myself.

only

wouldn't think of

I

I

absurd, don't you see?

won't do

it

tonight

If

when

Jola refuses to accept

crouched inside the

little

"China, you must speak to you like

tell

I'm so

my

to be said,

is

me who

it

was.

Why

I

is

not right that they

It is

says.

telling

you."

me," he

to

says with

in his voice.

Worn

"No. Can't you understand, I'm just exhausted? nothing.

and

tent as well.

"You must, you must point them out unexpected authority

it,

upset."

answer. She gets Dominik. Soon he

wouldn't think of

I

will say

I

worn down and

you are our guest," he

this,

"No, Dominik.

anything

won't you stop talking about

this?

It

out.

It's

nothing,

is

nothing!"

"China, is.

We

we

think

is

maybe

secret police.

cannot have them in our group.

and have

it

checked.

things, they drink, they

My The

make

stay at or in the villages.

Please, point

them out

heart sinks.

secret police.

A

We

must know who

it

will ask for identification

We cannot allow this. They always make trouble.

They spy on people. They are rude, they

we

I

to

pilgrims

We

— how you — say?

unwelcome

know

break up

again at the farm

they are on the pilgrimage.

me."

When Dominik

says this,

whirlpool of feeling sucks

me, washing over me, leaving

me

without

air.

I

crumple up

me down, I

is

inside.

drowning

gasp for a breath the

second I'm tossed up to the surface of these feelings again, then

LONGING FOR DARKNESS

216

down

I

am

down,

pulled,

remain calm, yet

of mind, gone, and left alone.

back to me.

The

is

am

there

me

and then

over, will they arrest

letting me know when am alone and the me? What for? I do not remember later,

I

am

I

at this

course, Dominik, the secret police,"

moment. repeat as Jola and

I

They

that they might be the secret police.

them out

over

have ignored come

I

never occurred

"It

are not

seen with our group before. They are strangers. Yes, point

me

do they work? Were they only

Dominik's insistence suddenly becomes reasonable. to

nothing to do but

is

fear. It takes

secret police. All the warnings

How

ever having been as frightened as

"Of

know

I

devoured by

I

that they are watching

pilgrimage

I

my life from me, my wit, my humor, my presence am left feeling like a child crying, terrified to

completely, stealing

be

tossed.

cannot.

I

to you.

I

I

men

I

have

will try to

understand."

"China, you must not travel alone after the pilgrimage like

You

are safe as long as

you must come to

me

this.

you are with us on the pilgrimage, but then in

Warsaw,"

Jola says, 'it's just

my

parents

and me.

We

have a very small apartment, but you are welcome. Tell

me you

will

come."

Go

"Yes, China, please, not be alone like this after pilgrimage. to Jola,"

"But

Dominik I

one night,

says, "is better."

have plans to go to Lublin and Krakow. Jola.

I

will

come, once

I

get back to

beginning to calm down. "I promise to

thank you."

It is

the secret police.

was something

Now sent for.

a strange relief to

To me

that

head,

heavy set woman,

me

as

soon

that these

as

I

I

for say,

return,

men might

be

that I'm not crazy, that there

to

chew two

woman, whom Dominik

has

she lowers herself slowly into the tent if

pilgrims are, but fortunately tells

you

come

sinister in the interchange.

while asking cheerfully in Polish

Many

know

means

the doctor comes, an older

A

call

will

I

Warsaw,"

I

I

am constipated, Jola explains. am not. She pats me on the

tablets of valerian root, drink juice,

and

rest.

"Come

with me, you need hot food,

we

will

go to

priests' table

now,"

says

Dominik.

in the

is still

my hand Hot

PILGRIMAGE

THE

ON

"When we walk to the house, see if the man me which one. Come," he says, taking me up to my feet outside the tent.

barn and say to

and pulling

hot soup, a plate

tea,

of meat and potatoes, served

full

me down

generously by the mistress of the farm, help calm

Not yet ready

for sleep,

I

woman's knee who took

a

I

my

walk back to

go with Aska bad

after dinner to

today.

fall

moon

is

rising.

watch

I

heights, it

rises

enormous moon

this

thin at the top, taut

and

full at

here but

enormously

is

my own

sense or will

over the countryside. at three separate

a pale

moon

fearful,

painful.

even though there

be invisible, or will

I

trust

as

whether with good

all

my own

me my own

have nothing to guide

I

the warnings

good reason? Will

is

golden egg

like this, stretched

intuitive response to people. Will

be tormented by

I

its

the bottom like an egg.

have a decision to make. Being

I

is

rise full

fields

overlooking the corn

rail

have never seen a

I

bandage a

ten o'clock.

stopped, held by

making the moon take on the shape of

up through them.

reason or not,

late,

and drawn out across the horizon

thin

lie

am

I

extravagant beauty. Standing by the fence fields

grows

It

further.

now, down toward the lower

tent alone

from the barnyard. The

The clouds

217

I

I

trust

have been given,

withdraw from people now,

I

sense of

who

is

friendly

and

who

not? It

has been an extraordinary day.

of Geshe

moment and

Champa

feels like a blessing, protection.

circle are

covering

me

this

Is

moon

Far across the field a bonfire

going on. Laughter and music

like a

trust, a different

the dragon's egg

Lodro's Tibetan tale? Seeing the moonrise in this

blanket as

I

lie

down

kind of reason, and

fall

drift across the field,

inside

my

tent.

I

choose

asleep content.

August 12, 1987. I

see one of the

men we

suspected as the secret police

this

morning,

walking quickly past our group, disappearing into the crowd ahead.

He

is

gone by the time

I

find

Dominik

to point

him

out.

The other

LONGING FOR DARKNESS

218

man

has disappeared from our group as well, confirming Dominik's

were

sense that they

They vanish and

secret police.

are not seen in

our group again.

The energy continues into the countryside. place, rather than a

A

deeper and deeper

kind of cleansing and toughening up

wearing down.

days of walking rather than I

we walk

to build as

have the sense that

I

We

taking

is

have more energy after the

less.

am putting together some enormous

puzzle:

Poland, India, Nepal, Switzerland, France, each place representing an

enormous journey out of which piece.

It

good

is

to be

on

I

foot,

am

more

able to glean one

small

walking briskly instead of flying

through time, geography, cultures, hurtling across oceans, mountain ranges.

The countryside begins

and

to roll

dip, beautifully

shaped into

simple rectangles of green, brown, black, and gold.

Midnight, turning into the thirteenth of August. Soon

Czestochowa. The

moon

is full still,

bonfire.

in the

Bosom

more

are

Dominik keeps of

his

round vest,

is

who

start

with a

a larger circle.

and run into the

I

circle

jump

circle,

bare

faster,

Soon we momentum

feet.

the

up and carried as

up, throw off

my

putting

in

my

and out of our join

in.

The next

boots, socks,

grass fire

is

down

cold and wet on

to the music going

which now begins

The

There

arms on the next person's

The

are circling around the

line

Soul

a handful

fire.

of our circle stronger and stronger,

more and more people

My

guitars, har-

Dominik and

dance around the

shoulders for a traditional folk dance.

my

it is

on

We

have a circle

in his thick Polish accent.

duets, solo performances, instrumental

monica. Then the dancing begins. First of others

we

promise and sings "Rock

Abraham" with me

reach

the night brilliant and cold.

walked over twenty-five kilometers today. Tonight

and

we

circle

I

am

lifted

to reel crazily

grows, the laughter

we are bumping into an even larger circle. as we go faster and faster around the bonfire.

grows, and soon

We get and

all,

I

hot

am

dancing, singing,

circle casts a trance,

we

arm

in

Blisters

arm, the energy grows, the

are whirling, burning

up the

night,

still

the

circle

PILGRIMAGE

THE

ON

grows, the music plays even

energy the dancing takes dissolving into laughter,

the circle break open,

After the bonfire

is

faster.

more than

I

The concentration and

can keep up and soon

we

cannot stop laughing,

I

apart,

falls

we

219

are

all

down,

are falling,

I

am

laughing,

it is

over.

walk back to the campsite with Kriezek with

I

whom I've shared my camera as weVe walked. We stop to photograph the

moon. Placing the camera on

a

low fence, we take turns holding

our breath for the timed exposures with the hope of catching the

moon and I

want to keep,

moon and

But

stars streaking across the sky. it's

the night, the dance, the

it's

not the

mood, the

moon

that

singing, the

warmth of the fire, the cold wet grass on my feet, the sense of belonging, drawn around me like a shawl that together we have all woven of song. stars,

the laughter, the

the

chill in

the

air,

August 13, 1987. Jola brings a

young

woman

to

me who

not well. "She speaks no

is

you

English," Jola explains, "but she wants to ask

very sick, diabetes. She help, but she cannot get

them here

for help. She

is

There are drops that can

losing her sight.

is

in Poland. It

is

very

difficult.

She

wants you to get the eyedrops. Also she wants to be able to give herself the shots she needs, but

it

is

very difficult for her to get

needles and syringes. She cannot get disposable needles. Will you

help her?"

My

heart leaps to

my

throat. This

woman

twenty-one, and clearly unwell. Her skin to help, but "Jola, I

will

if

I

my

daughter's age,

I

may

what she needs, what

won't be back take

I

I

if it

want

may be

of no help at

some time

another three weeks as

to find a doctor It

States.

all.

What

doesn't get through to her

in the States for

medication and syringes she needs. Poland.

I

I?

you must explain to her that

can't get

It

can

is

a sallow yellow.

have to send medical supplies from the United

in time? is.

how

is

takes

have no idea what this will cost.

who would weeks

What

give

me

it

the

for mail to get to

she

is

asking

is

not

LONGING FOR DARKNESS

220

so easy, but

before

and

risky It

will

I

do what

go back to the

I

can. Perhaps

I

But she must understand that

States.

a very complicated

may not work. She must

can find help in London

I

this

is

way of getting

the medicine she needs.

try to get

medicine for herself in

still

Poland." Jola explains this to her. "Yes, she understands. She

you

She has been very

will try.

See, she

is

grimage.

It is

She

losing her sight rapidly.

is

getting yellow even. She has been very sick

very difficult for her, but she wanted to

The doctors give her so

Madonna

ill.

hope. She

little

happy that

is

on the

pil-

come anyway.

counting on the Black

is

to help her."

August 14, 1987.

The sky grows cloudy and the unpredictable. a

until nightfall.

we

the day

is

a cold, beautiful

is

no

for washing.

cool and will change half

arrive in Czestochowa.

day with

line at the I

a hint of the

outhouse and

sisters

full

and on

sprinkles off

and the

am

I

lucky and return to

feel

yellow dishpan of Jola's

of

all

warm

shift

from dry to

when we

After only are to

arrive at the

I

waken

warmth

am up

to come.

an hour

able to find

my

6:00 a.m.

at

We

early.

warm water borrowed

tent with a

water.

We

morning.

weave, braid and

I

tie a

stop and

Dominik

start.

cross together out of sheaves

of wheat and bunches of red gladiolas that

afternoon

We

moody,

Few people seem prepared

have only eleven kilometers to walk today.

It

is

begins to sprinkle again.

It

This

There

The weather

chill.

temperature and the frequent

for the variation in

It is

turns

The day can begin warm or

dozen times from then

wet.

air

we

will present this

Monastery of Jasna Gora.

two kilometers we stop

ceremony.

in a clearing for a

go up to anyone that we might have offended or hurt

in

any way during the pilgrimage and apologize, saying "Przepraszam,"

which means "I'm

sorry, please forgive

done to hurt you."

We

me

for anything

I

may have

walk from one to another, saying "Prze-

PILGRIMAGE

THE

ON

praszam," kissing three times

on

the traditional Polish manner.

powerful

As

act.

Saving "I'm sorry"

connected to more of these people than

whom

comes up

aloofness

with

had wanted contact but

I

whom

After

I

we

had

me and

crowds

we

whom

realize that

I

whom

says "Przepraszam."

ceremonv we

I

I

am

I

had sensed an

I

find a

voung man

still

must wait before

We

last

nine kilometers to Czestochowa.

will

be enormous and that our mass will be held

2:00 a.m. in the chapel. This will be a long, Finally

simple and

impatient, say "Przepraszam," and feel cleansed.

felt

are through with the

proceeding the that the

to

a

in

had thought. Someone

I

in

is

most of

to person,

have been unable to speak with the entire time,

with

and embracing

alternate cheeks

move from person

I

221

are told at

full dav.

begin walking again, greatly slowed as nearly a million

pilgrims are converging

from

all

over Poland today.

It

begins to rain

we walk slowly past the fields in harvest. As we crest the next hill we see Czestochowa below, belching enormous black billows of smoke from industrial furnaces. Suddenlv we are walking back into civilization and heaw industrial pollution. We stop before going further. The Scouts make a person-bv-person count of the members of our group. Darek tells us that we are to walk ten abreast and to again as

stay in the lines we're in

be enormous and

is

it

Immediatelv fear

all

once we've been counted. The crowds too easv to get

arises again.

I

lost.

remember

being arrested for taking photographs

last

will

the storv of Westerners

vear in Czestochowa.

One

can hardly photograph the crowd or the monasters without getting a picture of the

outlawed Solidaritv banners. Thev are evervwhere,

carried openlv by large for the

manv

of the groups.

government to be

Though

the pilgrimage

able to stop everyone

from

is

too

flving the

banner, the authorities clearly don't want the outside world to see

how

alive Solidarity

is still

within Poland. The authorities would have

you believe that Solidarity has been eclipsed. The disdain of the Poles for the authorities

is

Solidarity's strength I

am

afraid of

is

strong, their dislike of the Russians palpable.

evident evervwhere on the pilgrimage.

becoming separated from the group

in this

enor-

Solidarity

banner and the Polish jlag. (Author)

We

mous crowd.

seem to be preparing

for a tidal

wave the way the

Scouts are lining us up ten abreast and being so insistent about staying together. Their

sudden

strictness only escalates the anxiety.

the end of a line in the back.

middle of our group just as

I

we

begin the long walk

down

the

end of

We

last

at

lies

at

are in the city with a million pilgrims, as

well as several thousand of the population turned out to

cheer us these

am

the main

boulevard into Czestochowa. The Monastery of Jasna Gora this walk.

I

break away to find Dominik in the

three miles.

have never been

I

in a

watch or

crowd

this

size.

"What

do, where would lose you? What should What would say?" ask Dominik.

if

to find you?

I

I

I

I

go to

try

I

"China, say the rosary with me, please?" he responds, smiling, ignoring

all

my

questions.

have a choice: hide myself

I

fear or accept

To speak

in the

Dominik's invitation and trust that nothing

Czestochowa with police everywhere

into

night not to do,

last

now

so obvious. But

do anything than

what

precisely

is

makes

my

happen.

are walking

was

I

being a Westerner I

would rather

hold sway. right."

all

in the line

fall

it

will

we

find the fear so painful that

I

let it

"Yes, Dominik, I

223

crowd and be devoured by

English over the public-address system as

reminded again

next to him on

my

right, a

young boy on

my

the sisters with their guitars and the singers just behind me.

left,

have

my

PILGRIMAGE

THE

ON

my

tiny

wooden

which

finger rosary, ten beads long,

thumb, from Einsiedeln. Dominik has

he wears looped over his wide leather

crophone and nods for

me

to begin.

I

his long

am

still

flustered at

I

over

brown beads

He hands me

belt.

fits

that

the mi-

and

first

say softly:

"Hail Mary, Yes,

I

am

"The Lord

With each

is

am

comfortable, this

down I am a little less Thou amongst women."

blessed

the fruit of

is

My voice grows cisely

more

is

right.

with Thee."

walking into a state of

"And afraid,

of grace."

step

"Blessed art I

full

already

afraid

and

I

speak louder.

I

am no

trust.

Thy womb,

calm and stronger

still,

Jesus."

and soon

but happy. Exposed and vulnerable, paradoxically

where

safety

lies.

The

rain

stare, others

last

two

wave and

A woman

pilgrim from Russian-occupied Estonia hands

out because

I

am from

you must take

we have It

rose.

it."

I

just signed

takes us

all

pre-

kilometers.

Many we go by.

smile.

have brought flowers and thrust them into our hands as

long-stemmed red

is

comes down harder.

People line the boulevard in the city for the

Some have no expression and only

this

longer

me

a single

She speaks no English, but has sought the West, Aska explains. "It

is

me

her offering,

give her a red carnation in return, feeling that

an international peace

afternoon to walk these

treaty. last kilometers.

We

are

LONGING FOR DARKNESS

224

slowed down, often to a stop, by the sheer numbers of pilgrims have to funnel

we now

down

one

street. Finally, at the

see ahead, each line of ten pilgrims

a full prostration

At the

We

this

bow

as they step

last intersection

make

their

more

to allow the group in front of

bow. The sky

is

walk, the church it

is

we

will enter

we

inch forward,

church along the path

we

empty-handed.

our turn. Crowds of people press along the edge of

our path. The way broadens as

monastery

as

bright red, yellow, blue, white flowers, roses, gladiolas,

carnations. Flowers are offered outside the

Now

gray and drizzling. There

way now

are flowers everywhere lining our

mounds of

stopping and making

onto the monastery grounds.

before the monastery, the lines separate.

stay behind thirty paces or

us to stop and

is

who

monastery which

The

walls.

we

reach the open

Solidarity banners are

below the

field

everywhere draped across

the walls beneath a huge copy of the painting of the Black Madonna.

Her

portrait

between two halves of the Polish

set

is

above the sea of pilgrims. full

making

The earth

Up on

towering

We kneel down on the wet ground, stretch

length, hands

out our bodies a cross.

eagle,

is

and arms extended, each of us

cold,

wet and

gritty

on

my

forehead.

we begin moving to the left through the first we must enter before reaching the inside of the monastery walls. The lines are broken now and people are packed tighdy as we begin to move toward the narrow gate. our feet again,

of three gates that

The sky blackens suddenly and the wind comes up with a blast. A storm threatens as we inch our way along. The closer we get to the gate, the tighter the

am overpowered

crowd

gets

and the

faster

by the crowd and carried along

it

moves. Soon

like a leaf

on

I

a

stream through the narrow gate, then quickly the pressure subsides as

soon as

we

pass through the portal.

Then

a second gate, a third,

and with each the compression which takes

my

moment; then we

The storm breaks and

rain pours

down on

Inside the

move

are inside the courtyard.

along.

breath away for a

us.

monastery walls people are crammed, hardly able to

How

will

I

ever find Jadwiga in this crowd?

Then

I

see

her, there she

PILGRIMAGE

THE

ON

standing out in this rain, waving a bouquet of red

is,

carnations for me, by the door of the pass.

I

break out of the line and

big hug. "I

"you did

am

it!

museum

make my way

that

after

you go

to concentrate

seems to be remaining upright. There

is

me

on

my

a final

in a

Black

are inside

Madonna

and

at the far

still

we

breath away.

push and

my

can barely move.

I

I

this size

am swept

strength.

can see the

end of the chapel. There are no pews

outer chapel, and only a few behind the

this

the flowers,

crowd

over the threshold, carried by an energy far beyond

Now we

soon

will

inside the chapel."

to the church, like the gates, takes

The most important thing

we

to her, giving her a

so proud of you," she says, handing

Meet me here

The entry

225

grill

work

in

that separates

the shrine proper from the rest of the church, in the tiny chapel of the Virgin. There

a solid sea of people,

is

some kneeling on

floor,

others just standing, others, like myself, trying to

it all.

Slowly

we move

our way around the

closer to the icon, step by step, finally winding

side,

then behind the

altar

other side, only able to catch glimpses of the

One cannot

past.

the stone

move through

and back down the

Madonna

as

we walk

stop at this point, there are thousands and thousands

of people behind us, waiting out in the rain, miles of pilgrims arriving, kneeling,

am

I

bowing, passing through the gates, one, two, three.

grateful that

Madonna and look

I

have had a chance to stand here before the at

her before the pilgrimage began. She

mysterious, unmoved. There her.

still

is

so

much

is

so

tumult and feeling around

Amulets, jewels, the necklaces of amber and coral,

silver, rosaries,

crutches, medallions hang throughout the larger chapel and line the walls to testify to the healing in I

this Virgin.

her silver and jewels, set into the black

cannot begin to fathom

We for

power of

this image.

I

altar.

And

She

is

stunning

yet so remote!

walk outside to find Jadwiga.

make our way through a huge parking lot full of lorries looking the sign Group 15, zloty, in the driver's window. We find my

bags,

and drive home to Jadwiga's. There she has hot food waiting,

Arrival

of the pilgrimage, "My Chcemy Boga" ("We Want God"),

Jasna Gora Monastery, Czestochowa. (Adam Bujak)

Detail of icon

of the Black Madonna, Our Lady

of Czestochowa.

PILGRIMAGE

THE

ON

plates of pork slices, potatoes, cabbage,

her garden.

am u

You must

me what

take a bath, the

eat," she insists.

women

the subject of tells

I

of excitement and

still full

tomatoes and cucumbers from

hot water. Luxury!

tea,

wash and

into the I

Hot

229

We

first in

put

my

dirty clothes

Though exhausted,

days.

talk.

A

devout Catholic, when

known

a friend of hers, a professor

I

bring

up

her shoulders. Then she

priests, she shrugs

for her independent

thinking, says. u

Why not have women priests? How is a grown woman to confess

man who

to a

completely taken care

is

no money to earn?

raise,

If

men

the

says, they should bear a child and then

friend told her.

who

of,

are so like

has no children to

God,

we would

like the

Church

believe them," her

could hardly stop laughing.

I

We stay up talking until nearly ten o'clock, when Jadwiga reminds me

that

all

must get some

I

me

to get

sleep.

through the night and ours

group train,

I

will

wake me up

will

is

at 2:00 a.m.

Many

Both Jadwiga and

overslept, there's

I

oversleep. She runs into

my room

thirty at the pilgrim's

from

I

I

had agreed to meet Aska and

my

at ten

have both clothes

on

Jola at one-

house and walk with them through the crowds

there.

race off to the church, one headlight out

dark. She insists

we

no time to do anything but get your

and get into the car."

to the chapel

people in

not see them again.

minutes of two to wake me, saying, "Hurry, hurry,

We

at 1:00 a.m.

from the monastery back to Warsaw on the next

will leave

so

She

back to the church for our group's mass. Masses go on

on taking

me

on the

car, in the

into the monastery courtyard,

where

be almost at the door. Inside, in a blur of exhaustion and

will

make my way into the chapel where our mass will have already started. The church is packed so tightly, I don't know how I will get through the crowd to the tiny chapel in the front where drizzle,

mass

is

I

going on.

"Przepraszam"

me,

as

I

inch

I

say, softly

my way

over and over, "Przepraszam," excuse

toward the

front.

I

see

no one who looks

LONGING FOR DARKNESS

230

familiar.

When

having mass,

my way

get to the chapel,

I

see a different

I

not 15, Gold!

15, Blue,

it is

Where

my

back into the sacristy and pointing to

alternately to the chapel,

young

say to a

I

Dominik?" He understands, and

group there

everyone?

is

priest, "Zloty?

Gold? Father

and

me

that

the time of the mass has been changed for

and wait. sit

I

I

He

indicates that our

and wait and

still

make

after complicated sign language

an occasional word here and there, he manages to convey to

sit

I

watch and then

no one

mass

my

group, that

should

will begin at 3:00 a.m.

know comes. Something

I

I

is

wrong.

go back out into the night and walk over to the pilgrim's house

across the road to try to find Jola

know and no one who

and Aska. But

can find no one

I

Though people seem to understand that am looking for Father Dominik's group, Group 1 5, zloty, cannot understand their replies. I grow increasingly agitated. It's now two forty-five, so go back to the church. How can I have I

speaks English.

I

I

I

come

so far with

everyone, at the

these people only to lose them,

all

last

moment

like this?

what. Back in the main part of the church the crowd, but there

What I

is still

go back

English. If

I

not a single person

How

has happened?

I

someone who speaks start at 3:00 a.m.,

now

then Dominik or George will be in the sacristy by their vestments for mass, but they are not there.

No. No. Finally one

knows

now

English,

who

and ask them

man

almost 3:00 a.m.

I

by the door waiting as

my my me

if

have I've

lost

been

family, barely able to hold

they understand English. No.

sacristy shortly.

them, every one! told, feeling as

back

comes who speaks

predicament, then

we

tells

him again

find the priest in Polish.

"Ah, Father Dominik's group,

I

I

We sit in

though

I

wait.

who It is

the chair

have

lost

tears.

Finally the friend

and he

putting on

walk up to each

I

nods, indicating that he has a friend

coming to the

is

strangers.

could our entire group disappear?

into the sacristy, to try to find

that enters

of them,

walk slowly through

know, only

our mass had been changed and was to

new person

all

have to find them, no matter

I

English.

who

It is

I

explain to

him

has been trying to help

just after three.

know. They must be

in St. Paul's

Chapel. Their mass

monastery.

The

is

priest takes

to the back, in

not in

me

Paul's," the

by the hand out of the

where

one

off to I

step inside just as

No

translates

from

Polish.

sacristy into the large

side,

behind a black iron

grill

work

see Darek, Jola, Kriezek, Valdek, another

Scout, Aska, the sisters, our group! I

man

the chapel, past numerous side altars and clear

another chapel,

of the mass.

23[

chapel or even in this part of the

this

We must go to St.

basilica that adjoins

doorway

PILGRIMAGE

THE

ON

Dominik

They swing open the door and

giving the final blessing at the end

is

Home.

one leaves though mass

over.

is

One

of the

sisters picks

up

the guitar and begins to play a song from our walk. After the song,

A woman whose presence had sensed all along and whose smile always cheered me comes up to say goodbye. do not know her name, nor many of the others who say goodbye, know these people so well. This woman with the curly and yet blond hair and radiant smile who embraces me now is crying, as we

goodbye.

start to say

I

I

I

I

am. Every night she would set up her tent near me. Every morning she would smile at

me

warmly. She encouraged

me

in

wordless ways.

She would share some of her traditional Polish food, made by her mother. The

first

time

bardzo dziekuje!"

I

said the rosary in English with

came up

the loudspeaker, she

to

me

Dominik over

afterwards and said, "Dziekuje,

Thank you, thank you very much. Much of my

warmth of her Though we had no language of words with which to communicate, we have communicated a great deal. discomfort about being a foreigner dissolved in the response.

Now we

are at the end, standing here in this chapel, laughing

and crying, saying goodbye

in a language

do you say goodbye to someone with all

facades?

left

The

intensity of the walking has

us transparent.

whom from

I

have had

this place. If

singing

and praying

I

am

How

you have stripped away

broken down

all

pretense,

grief-stricken to leave these people with

this experience,

only

can't understand.

I

whom

more of

for days

whom

I

have seen in

this

way,

us could walk with one another,

and days,

if

toward the end, and say "Przepraszam,"

more of us could "I

am

stop, there,

sorry, please forgive

LONGING FOR DARKNESS

232

me

for anything

of us could

sit

have done to hurt you," "I

I

around the

fire at

so sorry,"

if

more

if

more

of us could bring each other flowers, just walking,

am

night singing and dancing, let

our care show, be known,

day after day, under the moon, the sun,

in the

wind,

the rain, the heat, the cold, at harvest time, by the water, through

the forests, sandy-floored,

mushrooms growing,

past the red holly-

hocks, pink gladiolas, red carnations, purple and white cosmos in the

garden, the clippety-clop of a horse-drawn

under the blue bowl of the sky, crow

wagon along the road hawk diving, people

calling,

waving, some only staring, the land rising now, rolling so gently, past the gold of the

wheat being cut

softly,

ever

for the harvest, past

the long green rectangles of farmland, plowed by hand, next to black,

and gold the wheat, the heavy horses pulling a load of hay green and sweet, the love,

can you smell

Our name

my

is

Group

15, Zloty,

I

Number

am

Group

15, Gold.

I

carry a note in Polish in

lost that says, "Please return this

15, Gold. Father

me again, me to the

me. Find them for

take

of strangers, lead

place

they too will be relieved, as only

new-mown

golden and thick with the honey of

it?

Gold,

pocket in case

air

I

me

to

Dominik." Please return

by the hand through a crowd

where they

are gathered,

am, to find out that

more of us could be found.

woman

I

am

not

where lost. If

After the Pilgrimage Krakow, Poland

True prayer and love are really learned in the hour when prayer

becomes impossible and your heart turns

to stone.

—Thomas

Merton'

Krakow, Poland August 1987

Afterwards, Dominik, Vesa, and standing in

made our way by

train to

in

Krakow, and Vesa and

I

were invited

him once he had been given permission to have us medieval

city. It is

are lucky to have all

for the

him

as

Dominik's favorite

our guide.

We

II.

city in

tour

the kings and queens of Poland were

to

come with

as guests.

Krakow was not bombed during World War intact

Krakow,

from Czestochowa. Dominik wanted to go to the Pauline

several hours

monastery

I

the crowded narrow corridor of the railway car

It

stands, an

Poland and

Wawel

Castle

crowned and

lie

where buried,

Wawel, which the Indian legend holds would be one of the two places to be St.

of

when

Mary's with

Mary

its

the world

is

destroyed.

We

Market Square with

we

its

safe

go to the Church of

rare altarpiece, a triptych, that portrays the

in sculpture,

we

life

have coffees and sweet cakes at the old

fourteenth-century clocktower. Vesa brings 233

LONGING FOR DARKNESS

234

up the subject of Auschwitz over dinner that night

after the

day of

sightseeing.

"How

far

away

are the camps?" he asks Dominik.

"Half a day by train," he

replies,

"but only a

little

more than an

hour by car."

"Then we can

hire a taxi," Vesa said, turning to me.

Do you want

the cost with you.

"Yes," to

go and,

yes,

to go?"

wanting and not wanting to go. "No,

said,

I

We

must.

I

"I'll split

don't want

I

are so close."

"Will you go with us, Dominik?" Vesa asked. "Yes,

go

will

I

too, of course.

I

have been before, maybe

five

"We should leave early tomorrow morning. We must

times," he said.

go not only to Auschwitz, but to Birkenau

too.

It

is

very close

together."

We

It is settled.

plicable desire to

high

cliff

are going to the camps.

jump

that I've felt

or on top of a

tall

when

building, this

have always been haunted by pictures

camps when

was

I

World War

My own pilot.

father

Over the

in

was

clear.

words for

Now

it.

me

I

make

I

it

how much

he ages,

I

real

presences

I

continue to discover.

that

war

way

flight

school.

I

was a bomber is still

alive for

didn't have the

to

Stories

me

as

we go

from

Guam

into conversations.

afraid to look into the darkness of Auschwitz.

could not have gone had

But

I

knew that as a child, but is known both to him and

their

was no longer

ways that

in

through the picture albums of continue to

need to see for myself.

saw of the concentration

in the Air Force, taught flying,

years, as

him becomes

the inex-

grade school.

affected

II

I

It feels like

nearing the edge of a very

who were

I

not

felt

that

Mary and Tara were

with me.

August 18, 1987.

By midmorning we have Oswiecim.

The weather

is

set

out by taxi to Auschwitz-Birkenau.

terrible, hot,

humid, and heavy. The pollution

PILGRIMAGE

AFTER THE here from the nearby mines

The

air

is

is

among

the worst in Eastern Europe.

We ride into the void, windows down, hitting potholes

sour.

high speed. Vesa tries politely to

at

235

make

conversation, but

is

it

impossible. I

got up early to hear Dominik say mass.

would go with us to the camps, and

differences of opinion he I

am

me.

He

is

with

the

all

respectful of the fact that

the importance of this

visit

to

honor the importance of the Church for him.

I

As soon litde

He honors

married to a Jew.

was touched that he

a Catholic priest,

have.

I

I

we arrive, we go straight the museum in front.

as

time in

"This way," Dominik says, "this

you must

certain things

see.

is

into the

camp, spending

very big place. There are

Come."

We walk through a wide gate down a graveled walk. The buildings are

neady kept. Everything looks deceptively "normal." Auschwitz

had been a model camp which the Nazis held open for inspection by the International Red Cross. Dominik takes us into a nearby twostoried brick building.

Young people

are planting flowers in the beds

outside.

The

room

first

and behind

glass

I

walk into looks empty. Then

room

another half

is

toothbrushes, and hairbrushes. Nothing

pared for the effect of so could almost hear them

many

talk.

I

filled

else.

Upstairs,

I

we walked

people's shoes shoes,

But

on

am

I

shocked, unpre-

into a long

I

cars,

had seen them before,

had never seen anything

like this.

narrow room that held only

all

and thousands of

thrown together

in

heaps

order. Shoes.

There was the room of black letters

I

either side. Shoes, thousands

No

left

inanimate yet personal belongings.

men, women, and children,

indiscriminately.

look to the

had expected pictures of railroad

people like skeletons, mass graves, Nazis. since grade school.

I

with shaving brushes,

Harner, Oppenheim, Gibian.

Names were scrawled in large Neumann, them down as we walk along. Then

suitcases.

on the old leather I

cases: Breuer, Frank, Kafka,

jot

a display of prayer shawls, a display of thousands of eyeglasses, another

LONG NG FOR DARKNESS

236

!

room, a display of hundreds of pans. Piles

piles

left.

had brought

my

camera

have

it.

I

much

wanted to be able to show

are real, this happened.

the

after

no picture could capture what

that

first

limbs, of corsets, of pots

No

of people's belongings.

What was

effects. I

and

artificial

went

I

dozen shots and

am

I

my

Yet

see.

I

was glad to

camps

children, to say the

But

there. See. relieved.

knowing

interior debate,

would

I

I

run out of film

The pen

camera, these fragmentary notes the pictures

I

and

people, only their

will

take.

after

have to be

my

We walk through

room of displays. We do not speak. There is a room full of paintings done by prisoners at the camp. These tell more than any photograph of what it was like. A Christmas room

after

scene in the snow, at night, under street

up

lined

in the

lights, outside: prisoners

snow, naked, the Nazis hitting and

are dragged to work.

bodies in the are

smoking

Another shows prisoners pulling

snow while being whipped by cigars

Nazis.

them.

killing

Another painting shows the Nazis laughing and jeering

as prisoners

dead

a cart of

Some of the

Nazis

and laughing while others do the whipping. between the rooms the walls are lined with pho-

In the hallway

tographs of faces with shaved heads in prison uniforms. Their names, professions, dates of birth

wife

.

.

all

listed: poet,

mechanic,

priest,

house-

.

The Room of Children dren photographed in

this

is

lined with photographs of

same way.

young

chil-

All the photographs, in the hall

outside this room, and these children's photographs as well, are strangely passive,

no expression. Except

Children. She has

Her eyes

are full of tears, as are

One room

mine when

tiers

girl in this

Room

I

of

picture.

see her.

of straw, with six to eight people (men and

kept separately) in each

slot,

to twenty-five people "sleeping" virtually

these shelves.

one

has a display showing the sleeping arrangements. There

were three wooden

women were

for

no name, only the number 27129 on her

One

could not

roll over.

making

a total of eighteen

on top of one another on

— PILGRIMAGE

AFTER THE Dominik explains the International

saw photographs of the

holes

where we

Cross, Birkenau,

was not shown. There, the

a short drive away,

We

walked into the room

—

to

sit

We

go to Block

There was a word cells.

for prisoners

1 1

was worse.

row of cement

for a total of ten seconds

there we now was

From

I

who

room

six feet

explains

side, in the

that

I

by

resisted. It

was here they

were kept

difficult prisoners

six feet, eight feet

by eight

feet.

in Polish crudely scratched into the wall in one

Dominik

Off to one

must

what

it

means, "Remember.

"

back of the basement, there was one more

describe. Inside this

room

there were three

feet,

one square yard,

or four bricked-in cells three feet by three

which prisoners who had been part of the Resistance or had

into

tried to escape

were forced to crawl from

a small

work

they were taken out to

wrong

"cell,"

it

morning

day and then returned to

this cell.

is

all

to even dignify this tiny block of torture with the

was so

Think of body

all

door near the floor

night. In the

and remain standing with three other people

it's

for

only

later,

of Hider's medical experiments. By

basement,

in cells in the

it

You're in a crowded elevator where every-

pressed together like sardines and you feel a litde anxious,

no room, you

can't

move an

inch, people's bodies

packed against you. Take the three people crammed

closest to

Dominik

in there

you and build brick walls around your foursome on

sides. That's

I

word

small.

like this.

so tight, there's

are

situation

before being pulled away.

were sent for "correction." The most

It's

go

weeping.

silently

small

will

latrines at Birkenau: a

upon which one was allowed

someone was timing you

of the

was the showplace

that though Auschwitz

Red

237

where they put the ones they wanted

tells

me. People couldn't survive

walked into one of these

cells,

this

all

to break the most,

treatment very long.

where the brick had been knocked

out so that you could see inside. Nothing. There you stood, just you

and three other people. In the dark,

You

just

had to stand

there.

I

all

night,

no room to

sit

down.

got claustrophobia looking at these

LONGING FOR DARKNESS

238

cells.

my

When

breath,

into a

fire.

stepped into the dismantled

I

I

of different nations as for each country, for

had to catch stepping

like

walk went, block

different buildings used to house

we walked

out of Block

There was a block

.

one for Yugoslavian Jews, and so our

after block. In 1943, the population of

was 90-95 percent Jews. Today, one eerie, especially for

Warsaw, only

1 1

a

Jews

Jews from Russia, for Jews from Denmark, one

for Austrian- Hungarian Jews,

in

I

was

It

immediately leaped out.

Dominik pointed out the

is

cell itself,

was being squeezed out of me.

it

me. There are

few thousand

rarely sees a

Jew

Auschwitz

in Poland. It

than fifteen hundred Jews

less

in all of Poland, in

what had been

the flowering of Eastern European Jewry before the war. I

notes

go alone into the Jewish Museum. Dominik waits

become

to another.

increasingly fragmented as

outside.

My

move from one photograph

I

There are photos of Kristallnacht

Germany, photos of

in

Bernard Swierczyna, prisoner #1393, organizer of the Jewish Resistance

—

the edge of an in shock,

open

pit

girl

to

grave to be shot, their faces looking confused,

completely broken-spirited.

one naked young on, her

women marched

Photos of hundreds of naked

killed.

among them

My

attention was riveted by

standing in line with her shoes

hand outstretched to the viewer, her mouth open,

pleading.

Photos of broken bodies. Photos of the Jewish Resistance. Photos of

Hannah Senesh, the Jewish woman from behind enemy

lines to bring a

who

Palestine

parachuted

message of hope to her people

too died in Auschwitz. Photos of naked the "showers," the gas chambers.

I

women

—

she

standing in line for

stumble out of the darkness of

the display, back into daylight.

Dominik

is

together. This

We was

is

waiting.

too

Though we do not

much

walk over to the crematorium, where

built

I

I

go

below ground, of cement, and even now

crematorium ran from 1940

I

talk, it is

good

until 1943, the year

I

is

inside alone.

room with

It

very cold. This

was born.

walk through the gas chamber without even knowing

step into the next

to be

to be with alone.

it

until

the ovens, the extra long ones that

AFTER THE PILGRIMAGE when

could cremate two bodies at once. That's

have just been in the gas chamber.

room and look one a clue

give

inside of. realize

I

at

it

as to

what

Now

it is.

brick oven in particular

around the world. all

I

something but

it is

can do

is

I

I

what you have walked

in,

feel nothing,

even after

room with

look at

for

it

I

One

the ovens.

draped with flowers and notes from

is

must

empty concrete room.

just a big

turn around and go back into the

I

I

There are no showerheads, nothing to

again.

feel

realize that

go back into the big concrete

I

what you are standing

expect to

I

239

some time and then

I

visitors

decide that

stand here on the tracks in front of this oven and

write.

important for you to understand

It is

from the is

now

cold, but

I

this.

I

am

writing to you

cold ovens of Auschwitz. The ovens are cold,

grow hot

am

I

room

knowledge of what

trying to take in the

happened on the precise spot where

this

standing.

I

cannot.

I

can

take only the simplest notes, feverishly. There are pink gladiolas and

red carnations laid in the open oven door, there

is

a trough full of

flowers, white zinnias, pink carnations, yellow sunflowers

bodies once were

laid.

Other people come and go,

am only dimly aware of On the top oven tray is a I

them, I'm

now where

talking in whispers,

such a heat. The oven door.

in

sign. It is the

memorial pledge of

a

group

called C.A.N.D.L.E.S.

We

from the

are the voices of the children saved

We

pledge to do the following.

what happened here

in

will

not

We

Auschwitz.

let

will

part of humanity perished here. This soil

blood of our mothers and fathers, our will

show our

the very

last time.

remember

that a

soaked with the

and brothers.

We

We will work together to eliminate prejudice earth. We will appeal to the conscience

of the world never to

is

sisters

We

children where their grandparents hugged us for

from the face of the

The placard

is

ashes.

the world forget

.

.

.

let this

happen

again.

dated January 27, 1985.

Outside the crematorium the

air

is

warmer now and

the

wind

LONGING FOR DARKNESS

240

Dominik has been waiting

has picked up.

patiently.

am

I

glad that

I

looked.

Now

Birkenau.

Huge. Rows of wooden barracks, most of them burned down by the Nazis.

We

go into one,

full

of empty beds. Birkenau. Burned.

Now quiet open fields of wildflowers and crickets.

Four million people

died here alone.

We

walk down along the tracks to the memorial

down

the crematoria. There has been a stone laid

each person

The

gas

now open thistles

who

and wild

dressing, a gas

I

find

at Birkenau,

to the sky,

Crematory

at once, a

died here.

chamber

is

full

it

end by

at the

in the earth for

disquieting to walk

blown up by the Nazis

on them. at the end,

of rubble, weeds, and water, purple

iris.

had

at Birkenau, the sign reads,

II

chamber which held and

room where

the hair of

killed

women was

a

room

for un-

two thousand people cut

off, a

room where

gold was removed from teeth, stoves for burning personal documents.

The women's

hair

was used to make chair

The Germans planted poplars matoria here.

Human

There are purple I

am

ashes have been scattered

thistles

in

all

over

shock from even the

little

I

I've

ground.

am

walking over

half a century later, the poplars are

of the crematoria of Birkenau.

still

this

seen of just these two

camps. Dominik points to the poplars by Crematory

fires

this

everywhere. Yellow and white wildflowers,

too distracted to notice what kind.

ground

stuffing.

so that you couldn't see the cre-

II.

Now,

nearly

stunted on top from the

There Are Roses of Fire California

As

I dig

in the

for wild orchids

autumn fields,

it is

the deeply-bedded root

that

I desire,

not the fiower.

—

Izumi Shikibu

1

California

1987

September,

Near sunset,

at

home

in California,

walking the ridges of

Mount

Tamalpais, the grasses were dry, most of the wildflowers gone but for the orange

monkey

flower, a

few bright

paintbrush, and the California poppy.

Poland,

I

evil that it

apply I

rise

I

it

after returning

from

would think of Auschwitz-Birkenau and the problem of presented on these walks below and around

Buddhism doesn't tually,

stalks of clear red Indian

Long

talk

understood

about

this,

to Auschwitz.

It

evil,

the term

but the word

is

isn't

Mount

Tarn.

"ignorance." Intellecstrong enough

when

I

has no stench.

was confronted with

a

major cover story

in the

news on the

of neo-Nazis after returning to the States. In a town nearby, a

young man was thrown through

a plate-glass

window by

skinheads 241

LONGING FOR DARKNESS

242

for trying to tear a

down an

young neo-Nazi,

He was

time.

anti-Semitic sign.

who had

in California,

I

read another story of

fallen in love for the first

so transformed by the experience that he renounced

the hatred he had preached and tried to retract his former racist

he had been wrong. His fellow neo-

positions, publicly stating that

him up,

Nazis beat

nailed

him

him

razor blades, being sure to leave

A

alive.

He

his chest

with

cried for help for

who saw him turned away and who knew him to be a racist, came

white people

a long time. All the

passed him by.

and slashed

to a plank

black couple,

to his aid.

This was in America, 1987, taking place while the ovens in Auschwitz.

In

intentioned friend assured

me

over.

It's

foolishly "the

a thing of the past.

all

stood next to

I

London, on the way home,

We

harm

is

a well-

past, gone, done,

should bury the camps, tear

them down, and go on." Having seen the camps, even

how much agreement out. Hitler

made

it

was popularly

briefly,

gave

me

a visceral sense of

took to create the madness that Hider lived elected.

Thousands of people, not just Hider,

Many were

the choices that led to Auschwitz-Birkenau.

well-

meaning people.

The patory,

evil that

culminated in Auschwitz was cumulative,

and involved choice, even

if

partici-

the choice was only to deny

what was happening and to personally do nothing.

The sun

low on the horizon now,

is

half sunk into the sea, the

rays brilliant in the last flash of light that

before

it

sets.

I

is

open

hillside

this

stand on the hilltop to watch until the

extinguished before turning back.

light

comes

The

evening just last sliver

and winds downhill gradually, through bay

laurel groves,

a stand of

redwoods, and the dark green coyote brush, before

becomes

wider

road

I

a

fire

of

dirt trail leaves the

it

road that at the bottom meets the blacktop

take toward home.

Within

a

month

after

coming home from Poland,

son would turn seventeen. After seeing Auschwitz,

I

my

youngest

resolved to speak

ROSES more openly

Ben and

to

FIRE

OF

243

about war. Soon they had to

his friends

face the military.

At Ben's seventeenth birthday party, had been eaten, the dishes done, teenagers

if

and

after the cake

asked the living room

I

they were aware that by law

the young

all

cream

ice

of

full

men

there

had to register with the selective service, by the age of eighteen.

was

might laugh, that

afraid they

just the opposite, they

would embarrass Ben. But

don't want to

I

up

I

was

anyone," they said

I

sign up?"

I

about the law or paying attention to possible fines

kill

"What do you mean, have to when reeled off the consequences

after another,

were astonished

it

wanted to know more.

"I don't believe in war.

one

I

it:

no

They

of not knowing

financial aid for college,

to $250,000.

No, they were not aware. They wanted to know more about the law and their alternatives.

We

began having monthly, sometimes

monthly pot-luck suppers to explore what in the world. tors,

We

Buddhist

combat

meant

to

want peace

and

a

woman

veteran, Lilly

a triage nurse at nineteen. Lilly's story of running

behind the

lines

on the

away any romanticism about the I

it

veterans, conscientious objec-

priests, lawyers, parents,

Adams, who was a hospital

talked with

bi-

battlefields of

military.

Vietnam stripped

We talked with each other.

turned to works of Mennonites, Buddhists, and Quakers.

A

format established

itself.

After supper

we would

read the

fourteen ethical precepts written by Thich Nhat Hanh, the Vietnamese

Buddhist

monk who

the Vietnam

created an order of pacifists in Vietnam during

2

War. The reading was followed by

silent meditation.

I

was continually surprised and moved by these young people. They

were mostly teen-age boys,

who on

the surface might look as though

they had no greater concerns than skateboarding, cars, jobs, school, dating,

and

surfing, but

who

in fact

cared deeply about our world,

other people, the environment, and the future.

we went public and held a successful The group baked cookies, designed and printed

At the group's instigation

community

event.

LONGING FOR DARKNESS

244

up

flyers,

paid the

community center

rent.

They gave speeches about

how our group had started and why we continued to meet. Each member stood up and read one of Thich Nhat Hanh's Precepts, 3

which had been copied and placed on each audience

Then

chair.

they asked the audience to observe five minutes of meditation for

peace with

us.

sat in the back,

I

my

heart singing, so proud of

could burst. All of us, beginners, together.

I

We

them

called ourselves

"The Peace Project." Walking the

hills at

home. Out of the ashes of Auschwitz, out

of the pilgrimage to the Black Madonna, out of following the Buddha Tara, this

was the way

I

was shown.

Spring came, 1988, bringing Geshe Lobsang Tsephel,

met

in

Dharamsala, to San Francisco.

Tara initiation which I

I

He had come

attended in the

Delhi.

to give a

I

Green

and Switzerland,

India

from the days of teachings the Dalai Lama gave

The paper was colored by

the flowers

I

had picked

Some had stuck

to the pages, others fallen loose.

mottled with blues, yellow, pale brown, and

The Tibetan teachings

I

I

I

though

I

I

am

some

I

may

to hear.

There are

not agree with yet

walking into a well-tended garden

hear the teachings. The Tibetans have a wild,

luxuriant imagination that

I

one page

are like flowers to me: fragrant, uplifting,

don't understand,

feel as

bloom when As

light rose;

They bring great consolation and joy

elements

inevitably in

still.

The paper was

out dried blueberries and a stalk of tiny pink flowers.

delightful.

many

in

at the

Lodi Gardens and pressed between the pages. They lay there

spilled

had

city.

thumbed through my notebooks from

finding notes

whom

fills

the

air.

turned the pages, being careful not to disturb the flowers,

was reminded of the Green Tara

initiation that

I

had

just received

from Geshe Tsephel. One of the instructions he gave during the

ROSES OF

FIRE

245

meditation was to imagine that the pellets of rice in our hands were flowers.

Imagine that this rice pellet

Throw

the flowers into the

a flower, that

is

shower

air,

this

we have many flowers. room with flowers. The

Buddhas and bodhisattvas are always throwing flowers showering us with flowers. So Imagine that

room, but

room

this

is

we

drawn

our path,

too should scatter flowers.

not ordinary room. Yes,

also Tara's heaven.

it is

bodhisattvas are being

in

Imagine that

into this

all

room on

ordinary

it is

the Buddhas and

coming from

rays

your heart. See with the mind's eye the Buddhas and bodhisattvas filling this

room. Imagine Tara

speck of dust in the

room

is

air.

as big as a

Imagine

this

mountain and

room

filled

as tiny as a

with Taras. This

blooming Buddhas, bodhisattvas, and Taras.

moon

See Tara sitting on a blossom. See her,

all

on an open white

disk that rests

green, jewels on her head, beautiful

silk

lotus

garments

flowing over her body, and a blue utpala flower, the lotus, in

full

bloom by her

left

left ear.

She holds the stem of the lotus

hand between her thumb and her

in

her

forefinger, over her heart. She

is

smiling at you. She has a beautiful smile. She has a beautiful, gentle face.

She

is

looking at you with loving kindness, she

her compassion to you, she will call

out her name, no matter

who you

unbelieving you have been. She she this

is

world, samsara, she is

the

of Compassion, she

Om

is

is

pouring out

the instant you think of her, are,

where you

are, or

how

the hearer of the world's cries,

the boat that carries us across the river of the sufferings of

Buddhas, she

all.

come

is

the guide, she

is

the energy of

mother of the Buddhas, she is

is

the fully enlightened one, she

all

the

the Bodhisattva is

mother of us

Tare Tutare Jure Soha.

There was a vase of huge red and yellow roses open on the carved red lacquer table in front of the Venerable Chos Kyi in Nepal.

Nyima

There was a bowl of yellow roses on the glass-top table

front of His Holiness the Dalai

Lama, Tenzin Gyatso,

in Delhi.

in

There

LONGING FOR DARKNESS

246

was a small vase of roses on the

table in front of

Rinpoche

in Switzerland

initiation.

There were yellow roses on the

Champa Lodro

by the lake where he gave the Green Tara

Geshe Lobsang

altar as

Tsephel chanted the prayers to Green Tara that night. There was an

enormous blossoming

tree of

open yellow roses outside the second

window where Geshe Tsephel sat see him. The rose tree had grown up

floor

the next day

to

to

when

I

On

my

the desk in

him

roses.

my grandmother's crystal bud vase is Two days ago they were tight buds.

room,

with tiny pink tea

went

to frame

way, as though he was another blossom on the tree of

in this

filled

meet him,

roses.

This morning they are fully opened and their fragrance floats through

drawn by the open window next

me

the

air,

My

great-grandfather loved roses. As nurseryman he helped bring

commercial rose growing to East Texas

know how

I

would grow

scent of roses, California,

would

make an

of

grandfather, ninety-seven

Hope, Arkansas, by

grow one hundred

A

last

own,

wooden

his

fifty varieties

way through

its

grow

inside the

in a flower,

I

I

write of roses.

Did he

would wear only the

altars in India, Nepal,

and

That

my

offer roses?

his son,

a rose garden in

bushel basket mill? That he would

of roses?

my window

this past

winter

pushed open the window, and began

a crack,

room, toward

let it

I

summer, would keep

climber rose growing outside

forced to

on these

my

as

in the late 1920s.

to love roses, that

find roses

altar

to

my altar.

Respectful of such boldness

grow. Wild audacity. The strength of a rose,

determined to bloom, beyond reason.

Who father,

planted this rose?

my

grandmother?

Was

My

it

my

grandfather brought from Arkansas,

them tied

to friends

down

in the

great-grandfather,

open trunk of it

grand-

filled

my

my

the house with them, gave

and neighbors, the roses brought home

Roses. Legend has

my

grandmother received the roses

in barrels

grandfather's car.

that in Mexico,

on December

9,

1531, the

Virgin of Guadalupe miraculously appeared and told the Indian peasant Juan Diego to pick roses

where Juan Diego knew only cactus

HOSES OF could bloom on Tepeyac hair like

247

This Virgin had dark skin and black

Hill.

Juan Diego. She wore a black belt above her waist, traditional

was pregnant. He was to take the

Indian style, indicating that she roses in his cape to the bishop tell

FIRE

and to report

He was

this vision.

to

the bishop that the Virgin wants a church built here.

Juan Diego

is

turned away three times. Trying to hide the roses

from the bishop's attendants to no

become

roses have

bishop's presence.

part of

He

bishop and his cape

This of Fire.*

and

lie

one

is

The

to the ground.

On

on the

is

cape and the

his

then admitted to the

the cape

cloth.

The

is

Eduardo Galeano

Aztec tongue,

when

tells

the image of

roses have fallen

scattered everywhere, their scent

telling.

apparition Juan Diego saw

in Nahuatl, the

he opens

kneels and reaches for the roses to hand the

falls

the Virgin of Guadalupe imprinted to the floor

avail,

Juan Diego

it.

filling

the

air.

us another in Memory

on Tepeyac

spoke to him

Hill

she told him that she was "the

mother of God." It

was the bishop, Zumarraga, who decided that the apparition

was Guadalupe, the Dark Madonna from Estremadura, Spain, that was appearing to Juan Diego. codices set idols

—

on

fire,

was Zumarraga who had the Aztec

It

down

tore

the Indian temples, destroyed their

twenty thousand of them. Bishop Zumarraga, the Indian's

protector,

was the keeper of the branding iron

Indians' faces with the

names of

Zumarraga knew that Tepeyac had been the of the earth goddess, Tonantzin,

who

site

stamped the

that

their proprietors,

Galeano

says.

of the Aztec worship

clad herself in snakes, hearts,

and hands. The Indians loved Tonantzin, Galeano

tells us,

they called

her "our mother."

name meant "mother" in moon and the maguey or century plant

Tonantzin, whose crescent

maguey was quickly pre-empted by the Church

Nahuatl, had the as

her

for the

sign.

5

The

Dark Virgin

of Mexico, whether in the form of Guadalupe or another favored

Madonna,

Los Kemedios,

Juan Diego's

The Remedy.

tilma, his

cape,

still

exists. It is said that if

one looks

LONGING FOR DARKNESS

248

very closely into the eye of the Virgin imprinted on the cloth, the figure of

Juan Diego, standing before her, can be discerned

Our Lady

still.

Madonna who appeared as a Madonna that Pope Pius XI declared

of Guadalupe, the Dark

pregnant Indian

woman,

to be the patroness of

is

all

the

the Americas, from Alaska to the tip of

Tierra del Fuego in South America. 6

There are roses of

fire.

The Madonna 's Face Rio Grande

.

.

.

while birds

Valley, lexas

and warmer weather

are forever moving north, the cries of those who vanish might take years to get here.

— Dallas,

Carolyn Forche

1

Texas

July 1988

There

is

a

famous shrine and pilgrimage

site to a

Black

Madonna

South Texas, the Rio Grande Valley, just north of Mexico, San Juan, Texas, between Harlingen and McAllen, the

Madonna de

los Lagos,

Called morenita, the black,

I

find out,

to call her black.

famed

as a healer

dark one, she

little

though some refuse

Most simply

is

a

is

am

I

told.

home

of

and miracleworker.

brown Madonna, not

this distinction

refer to her as

the

in

and continue

"Our Lady."

I

go to

down

along

see for myself, stopping first to see family in Dallas.

Circling back.

I

my

take

grandfather for a drive

Hackberry Creek after dinner one night. Lightning breaks up the sky

and the wind comes up.

I

pull over

and

stop.

"Mind waiting for a few minutes, Pop?" I ask. "Not at all, you go right ahead," he says as he always

does.

249

LONGING FOR DARKNESS

250

took

I

my

shoes off as soon as

the grassy hillside to the creek.

on

down

in this creek,

that I'm back in Texas.

middle of the stream in the moonlight, with the water

in the

my

flowing over release.

the

got out of the car and ran

know

slippery limestone bed, to

its

I

need to stand barefoot

I

my

feet,

grandfather nearby,

I

softly

feel a quiet sense

the heat, the cicadas, and the family; turn back to a

landscape washed by

and recollected

memory, droning with the resonance of At ninety-seven,

life.

my

was

my

in

of

my

time growing up.

The wind blows hard through the cedar branches, shadows

cast

by the

moon

across the ground.

low and quiet tonight, the moment flooding, swollen

had

built

I

Though

step out into

and crashing, tearing apart the

out of fireplace

logs.

In a flash,

it,

the creek runs I

raft a

down Hackberry Creek to Turtle Creek, River, and down into the Gulf of Mexico were

our hands by I

scattering the

its

cousin and float

out into the taken out of

my

grandfather almost every night

down Drexel Drive, past "3600," house, now sold, as though it creates

in Dallas, along the creek,

my grandparents'

we called

a

mandala, a protective pattern, a labyrinth or circle in which

it,

enclose the fragment I

I

Tom

as

what

it

sinking.

drive this certain route with

when I'm

remember

our plans to

Sawyer-style Trinity

of

lost.

grandparents' house, across the street from this creek,

much

spent

I

lived

memory

grandfather's

the turn of the century grows sharper, while yesterday can be It

of

turn back to this creek, to the cedars, the mockingbirds,

I

fireflies,

that

Out

will find

left

when

I

of this world

we

leave for the Rio

shared.

Grande

I

I

do not know

Valley.

Rio Grande Valley

August 1988

Storm clouds below winds.

as

we

From

drift

above

us,

shadowing the gray-brown-green land

begin the descent in our small plane, buffeted by high the

air,

the landscape

business ruled off the Rio

is

unrelentingly geometric. Agri-

Grande Valley

into the precise square grids

— MADONNA'S FACE

THE

251

we

of farmland cut up by the straight, fast roads that

from the

see

air.

The

Valley

either side.

It's

not actually a valley since there are no

is

a hot,

broad

hills

on

27 degrees north of the

coastal plain,

Equator, with a growing season of three hundred forty days a year that's three

crops

— making

this land

immensely valuable

for fruit

and vegetables.

The land here has been for

heavily irrigated

and

fertilized,

and but

A handful

few exceptions, largely stripped of its natural vegetation.

of state parks and wildlife refuges contain the remnants of native plants

and

grow

trees that

in the Valley.

As the central flyway for

the North American continent, thousands of species of migratory birds fly

through here, increasingly endangered,

from the chemical

wash

and pesticides used

fertilizers

and waterways. But

into the ponds, resacas,

as are

we, by runoff

in agriculture that it's

the Rio Grande

River, snaking across the desert landscape, that controls this Valley, as the Nile

does Egypt.

Its

water can be dammed, drained, dredged,

rechanneled, blessed, and cursed, but ultimately,

River that gives the Valley

its

it's

the Rio Grande

essential character, creating

hundreds

of miles of permeable border between the United States and Mexico.

"You don't have

to

go to Europe to

find a Black

my

heaven's sake, we've got one right here in Texas," said in true native

"You ought

Texan

for

Uncle Peter

style.

to see her shrine.

It's

a big place,

go there for mass on Sundays, the place full

Madonna,

is

thousands of people

packed. There's a

room

of milagritos, photographs, letters of thanks to the Virgin for being

cured, and

all

sorts of things

that people have left behind, like

crutches, because they believe she's healed them.

mass there when I'm

The research

I'd

Madonna

wild.

I

go to

in the Valley."

done on

ceding the trip surprised me. particular

It's

herself.

the Virgin of Guadalupe, but the Virgen de San Juan del

this

Madonna during

I'd

been able to glean

the

months pre-

little

about

this

thought she might be another form of

I

I

Valle,

was wrong. The Madonna is

a replica of the

Madonna

at

San Juan,

de San

juan

LONGING FOR DARKNESS

252

Mexico. Though not

de los Lagos in Jalisco,

Guadalupe, she

tionally as

Hispanic

community

is

in the

as well

known

interna-

famous within Mexico and within the

United

States.

Each

year, at the Feast of

the Purification of the Virgin in February, the Candeleria Festival takes place at San Juan de los Lagos in Mexico, societies of dancers

come from

all

I

read. 2 Brilliandy

costumed

over Mexico on a kind of perpetual

pilgrimage or promesa to dance for the Virgin. Another source said that the

gather

name of the village was Lagos Moreno, the dark lake. I could more information than this. Even the bookstore at the

little

shrine did not have a published history.

The geographical matter.

It

was

a political minefield.

refugees were trapped in the Rio

border

at a

political

Thousands of Central American

Grande

Valley, pouring over the

growing rate of two thousand

asylum

was another

location of her shrine in Texas

week

a

in Brownsville at the federal

3

to apply for

of INS, the

offices

Immigration and Naturalization Service.

The refugee strained border

who

live in

situation

compounds

the problems of the already

community, home to thousands of Texas

families

the Colonias, residential areas that lack the basic services

unemmake this

of sewage and water. Poverty, high infant-mortality rates,

ployment of up to 35 percent, and poor school

most economically depressed

area one of the

The Rio Grande

districts

in the

Valley had seen the Sanctuary

United

root with the arrest of volunteer church workers Stacey

and Jack Elder

in

1984

and shelter refugees house.

4

Casa

in Brownsville.

at the

Romero was

Lynn Merkt

Casa Romero, the Catholic Church's open the response of Bishop John Fitzpatrick of It

was named

outspoken Archbishop Oscar Romero of El Salvador,

mass

in

for the

who was

critic

as-

San Salvador on March 24, 1980.

Archbishop Romero sided openly with the poor of El Salvador

outspoken

take

Merkt and Elder helped feed

Brownsville to the refugees' obvious needs.

sassinated as he offered

States.

movement

as

an

of U.S. policy. Well over $4.5 billion of aid, almost

$900 million of which went to the

military, has

been poured into El

MADONNAS

THE

Salvador, a country of onlv

FACE

253

million people, since

5.2

1980. 5 Aid

continues.

Merkt was arrested in a car

for "transporting illegal aliens" while riding

with Brenda Sanchez

Lutheran Church worker from El

(a

and

Salvador), a nun, another Salvadoran,

1984. Reading about Stacev

and Arizona had pricked

Now

through

Merkt and the Sanctuary

mv

conscience, but

of coincidences

a series

shelter mvself while

I

let

I

would be

Madonna

researched the

I

reporter on February 18,

a

The storm that hovered over the Yallev

as

it

Texas

trials in

go no further.

staving in a refugee

at

we

San Juan. flew in continued

to threaten, darkening the sky, breaking into short bursts of rain

and then quicldv subsiding.

hail at

the Casa de

Merced,

la

I

was expected

to arrive bv

of the Sisters of

a project

provides temporary food and housing to men,

Mercv which

women, and

children

from El Salvador, Guatemala, Honduras, and Nicaragua. Space

premium.

at a

I

Bv the time

had

a place to stav,

uncomfortable with the direction variance between the information in the Yallev, the

it

this I

I

was

feeling increasingly

Madonna was

taking me.

The

gathered mvself about the refugees

unprecedented numbers seeking asvlum, and the

news provided bv Washington grew. 6 The .America in the .American press

were

was

there was room.

arrived in the Yallev,

I

and

supper

stories of stories

"reading the news";

it

"democratic reform"

made

not being published. Classes were offered in

was now considered

in

one country,

What Washington

munist influence."

erratic coverage oi Central

following events dizzving. There

What was termed our government called "Coma skill.

described as "fragile democ-

racy," others called oligarchies held together bv terrorism, torture,

human-rights violations, death squads, and the aid of millions of U.S. tax dollars. I

picked up

puzzling over

a car at the airport in

how

this ht

hension, excitement,

the drive.

The

Harlingen and drove to McAllen,

with the Black Madonna. Resistance, appre-

amazement

fact that the

—

all

Casa de

kinds of feelings la

came up during

Merced was run bv

the Sisters

LONGING FOR DARKNESS

254

of Mercy was reassuring. Underneath

Church

had long forgotten.

I

members of the

the if

that

I

found a

faith in the Catholic

took for granted the fact that

I

would not be involved

clergy

in the refugee issue

something wasn't deeply and morally wrong. Whether or not

was a naive or an accurate assumption remained to be

The cotton standing

—

in the fields

this

seen.

gave comfort as

I

sped by.

Stately

palm

here

feathery mesquite trees, slow-growing native ebony, sabal,

—

mountain

maroon

trees

fan palms, date palms, over

laurel, oak,

bougainvillea,

degrees. at

all

six in the

evening

unfamiliarly

flat.

was

it

When

the road signs were in Spanish;

world. Only a few

more

"Buenos noches, " a la

and bright-blossomed oleanders provided

The landscape was

McAllen,

Merced when

I

grow

groves of oranges and grapefruit, hot pink-

By

pite along the road.

fifty varieties

res-

close to 100

still

got to the turnofF

I

had entered another

I

miles to the Sisters of Mercy.

woman

called

from the porch of the Casa de

drove up and got out of the

car.

"Come on

inside,

you're just in time for supper." Big Rio Grande Valley ash trees

surround the house, protection from the hurricanes that sweep through here. Inside the comfortable two-story frame house the overhead fans

whirl slowly, an old air-conditioning unit cool cool.

air,

The Casa

Now

—

is

with

Grande all

Valley. This

the family gone Sister

who

Border hospitality was

it

Valley. Lived here

all

years, I'm sixty-one

house

Sister of

the

is

what

way of I've

—

but ten years of

my

now

seen our

I've

eaten

Mercy and

home

she grew

has one simple function.

just part of the

— and

—

share the house.

Marian explained, "that's

That's one of the hardest things about

unravel.

pittance of

and eggs Mexican-style

run by Marian Strohmeyer, a

"Border hospitality," vide.

rice, beans,

with the nuns and brothers

native of the Rio in.

its

throbbing in the background. The downstairs was pleasandy

Dinner was simple

at a long table

up

pumps out

life

life

all we prodown here.

seen happen in the

that

means over

way of

life

fifty

begin to

MADONNA'S FACE

THE

"Neighbors have turned against neighbors,

become

afraid to offer the hospitality that

way of life. They're store,

afraid to give

down the street.

illegal aliens.

255

of people have

lots

was part and parcel of our

somebody

a ride to the bus, to the

Afraid that the INS will say they're transporting

People on the street have

come

to believe that

it's

a

crime to offer hospitality. That's no crime!

"The border

is

no longer the border,

wherever there's a

it's

border patrolman," Marian explained in her no-nonsense manner. Short silver hair, blue eyes,

medium

has a straightforward approach to

heard that INS

"I

is

height, with a solid body,

life.

planning to put in a hotline with an 800

number you can call anonymously if you're suspicious employing refugees as a kid

Marian

illegally.

me

That reminds

on Nazi Germany," she

that somebody's

of the movies

recalled over dinner.

I

saw

Her two dogs

bark as someone comes to the back screen door. Marian goes to the

door and a

"We

from Boston picks up the conversation.

sister

usually have about sixteen refugees here, in addition to the

nuns, brothers, and lay volunteers

The

a lot of children.

who

staff the house.

refugees here right

now

are

Often there're

from Honduras,

Guatemala, and El Salvador. They usually stay one to two months,

paperwork done

get their

women came river

in

for the INS,

Monday from

Two

and then move on.

El Salvador.

They walked

across the

and then got caught, a mother and her seventeen-year-old

pregnant daughter. They were taken to the

corralon,

center. There's a children's detention center a

the detention

few miles away from

the corralon. "I just

came down here from Boston not long ago. I was surprised were no signs in Spanish at the INS office. They

to find that there

were read

all

in English.

Most refugees don't speak

English,

much

less

it.

"Two women and two men came

yesterday from Honduras.

They

had taken a bus through Mexico. Twice they were robbed. At one point they had to go without food for five days. These people endure

LONGING FOR DARKNESS

256

great hardships just to get here, that should

how bad

things have gotten

tell

you something about

where they come from.

"We just had an eighteen-year-old boy from

who

Guatemala

because his father was murdered. His father had told him that

was

fled

if

he

country immediately because he would be

killed to leave the

next."

Marian came back to the table to continue our next hour the conversation shifted and turned,

my

talk.

Over the Poland

trip to

mentioned.

"Did you know

that there's a Czestochowa, Texas?" Marian asked.

"Never heard of

"Oh, "It's

you'll

it."

have to go," she said emphatically.

outside of San Antonio. There's nothing there but this big

church, out in the middle of nowhere, with a copy of the

of Czestochowa.

where Chevron

right near Pannamaria, Texas,

It's

Madonna

has a big open-pit uranium mining operation that they're closing

down. "If

you get to San Antonio to see Stacey Merkt, you can get over

to Czestochowa,

no problem."

After the dinner clean-up, Adella, the sister from Boston, and

go outside singing.

in

There are oak trees and a Chinese

around on the grass I

sit

one of the

on the front

my

trailer houses.

A

on the ground and the

steps in

women and

children

handful of

steps. Adella translates

the guitar player, as

is

tallow, with chairs set

in a restful setting.

join a circle of people sitting

front of

I

back on the lawn where some of the refugees are

from Honduras.

I

and explains that Ricardo,

realize that he's the

same age

oldest son.

"You can

tell

who

the feeling Ricardo

is

is,"

while and

telling the truth after a

I

have

added Jack, a Litde Brother of the Good

Shepherd who's come to help. Ricardo plays La Bamba and pilgrimage in Poland

someone

With Adella and Jack's

help,

I

I

in

start to laugh.

Every day on the

our group would sing that song.

explained

how young

people in Poland

The Black Madonna, Our Lady of Czestochowa, Czestochowa, Texas. (Author)

"Hey hey

sing for a this

moment

la

bamba, hey hey

la

bamba ..." and we

all

laughed

to think of people in a country so far away, singing

same song and dancing. Ricardo spoke a

the guitar.

little

English and said,

"You

play?" offering

me

LONGING FOR DARKNESS

258

"Un

poquito, "

one song about

I

muy poquito, very

assure him, "un

in Spanish, in Ladino, let

how

me

little,

but

sing that." Bibilicos

is

know

I

a song

the world suffers for love.

For as long as the song lasted makeshift community, then

was

it

I

was part of

A

over.

clapped politely. Others had no interest. guitar. Adella

this

patchwork of

few people smiled and

handed Ricardo back the

I

nudged me.

"It's late, after ten.

I

have to get up

early.

What

time are you

going over to the shrine in the morning?" "Early. Let's go. I'm tired, too."

We

and walk back toward the main house,

and good luck."

buenos noches. Gracias, Ricardo,

As we're walking back

say goodnight to everyone calling out, "Hasta manana,

in the soft night air, Adella tells

me

that

Ricardo just found out that the INS was going to deport him because of an error his

made while

filling

mistake but a volunteer's

out the forms. Apparendy

who was

helping him.

It

it

wasn't

happens, she

says.

So many refugees arrive penniless, either robbed along the way,

their

money

make

extorted, or having had to spend everything just to

the trip across Mexico. There

is

only one group in the Valley that

and they are badly

offers free legal aid, Vroyecto Libertad in Harlingen,

overloaded. 7 Ricardo believes that

he's sent back to

he'll

be killed

if

and

start the

paperwork

Honduras, so he's very anxious. "He's going to try to fight

it

again. He's applied for political asylum," she said.

morning. I'm

in the

room

at the

end of the

hall

all

over

"See you in the

downstairs

if

you

need anything. Goodnight." I

was given

a

room

at the top

of the

conditioner and told to be sure to turn

used

it.

The room was

clean, simple,

and the windows had been closed not on, but

I

all

stairs it

and day.

quickly found the switch.

It

with a

off in the

stifling hot. It

The

air

window

morning

air if

I

faced west

conditioner was

was an older

unit,

but

it

worked. There were two single beds freshly made, one covered with a

homemade

been

laid

quilt.

A

towel, a washcloth, and a fresh bar of soap had

neady on top of

it.

I

felt

welcomed.

MADONNA'S FACE

THE The Shrine of the

me

what brought Before

back as I'm walking

Ask

the highway.

charge. He'll help

modern

large

on

pilgrims walk

I

as she

down

as

goes out the door to work, Marian

the

stairs,

"You

and

in the pot,"

shrine

is full

the

Some

the aisles to the Madonna. She tall,

service

but set dramatically in the

is

is

going on

the focal point for

when

I

arrive, the

half full with people praying quietly, lighting candles. Confes-

is

sions are being heard, so Father Pete

genuflect and kneel

Virgin.

know about

of people coming and going.

down

than two feet

Though no

to

she's gone.

center of a large circle over the main altar that

I

calls

from

can't miss the shrine

for Father Pete Cortez, he's the priest there in

tiny, this one, less

shrine

that's

Tomorrow.

asleep.

have to see her.

their knees

the entire church.

The Madonna,

fall

I

you with whatever you want

Madonna. Hot coffee

is

keep thinking

I

see anything else,

I

The next morning

The

Virgen de San Juan del Valle.

here,

259

I

am

down

in

is

relieved that Pete Cortez

working through where refugee shelter,

now

this root

is

not available.

I

at this

am

still

system has led me: South Texas, a

Madonna

this

not available.

one of the pews to look

in front of

me. Morenita, the

little

dark one. She has long black hair that flows over her satin robes, Spanish-style. She stands alone, without the Christ Child,

cent

on

moon, Our Lady of the Immaculate Conception, La

Mary Most Pure,

as the

Immaculate Conception

is

a cres-

Purisima,

also called in

Mexico. In 1519, the Spaniard Cortes placed a statue of the

Conception

at

what had been the

when he landed

at

site

Immaculate

Mayan moon goddess Mexican Madonnas are

of the

Cozumel. Many of the

the Immaculate Conception, characteristically portrayed standing a crescent

moon, 8

linking her both with the

the Apocalypse and the

moon

woman

in the

on

Book of

goddess of pre-Columbian Mexico.

LONGING FOR DARKNESS

260

wandered around the shrine and found the room

I

side

off to the

where there were thousands of photographs people had sent

in

thanks to the Virgin for their healing or her answer to their prayers. Similar to the ex-votos or retablos along the back walls of the monastery

of healing by the Virgin,

at Einsiedeln, paintings depicting the miracle

the photographs practice.

were

a

There were

more contemporary

milagritos

—

little

expression of this ancient

metal charms of arms,

legs,

hands, hearts, eyes, different parts of the body that had been healed

or needed healing

—

just as

on the

Madonna's shrine

walls in the

Czestochowa. There were also actual crutches and leg braces,

around in the

St. Sara's

like

statue in the crypt of Les-Saintes-Maries-de-la-Mer

Camargue,

timonial,

at

as well as sports trophies, ribbons, letters of tes-

and beautiful shiny long dark braids of hair that had been

cut off straight, at the nape of the neck.

As

came around

I

a corner, Father Pete

confessional, a short, energetic

askew from the myself.

he told

The

I

liked

me

heat.

a little

his collar slightly

big smile spread across his face as

him immediately. He about

invited

me

this particular statue

I

introduced

into his office

where

of the Madonna.

story of the Virgin of San Juan goes back to 1623 in

was then known Jalisco,

A

was walking out of the

man with a mustache,

as the village

of San Juan de

los

what

Lagos Moreno in

Mexico. Spanish missionaries had built an adobe shrine for

Our Lady of

the Immaculate Conception there shortly after they

arrived in Mexico. This Virgin of San Juan of the Valley

is

a

copy of

the one in Jalisco.

According to seventeenth-century legend, a family of traveling acrobats were in the village of San Juan de los Lagos in Mexico

One

of the young daughters

fell

to her

death on pointed daggers below. The child was taken into a

home

rehearsing for a performance.

and

lay dead,

women

her body being prepared for burial,

placed the statue over the girl

when an

Indian

entered the house carrying the statue of the Virgin. As she

was restored to Thereafter

girl's

body and prayed

to Mary, the

young

life.

this Virgen de San

Juan de

los

Lagos

was beloved by the

,

MADONNA'S FACE

THE villagers

and became renowned throughout Mexico

worker. The story breaks into devotion to this Virgin

member

Spain,

is

as a miracle-

when

version

the

brought to Texas. Father Jose Aspiazu from

of the Oblate fathers, to which Pete Cortez, O.M.I.

belongs as well, was the

begun

more than one

261

first

pastor of the San Juan Catholic Mission,

in 1949.

Early in the 1940s,

Mexican Americans

in the Valley

had begun

to make,the long and sometimes dangerous journey to Jalisco, Mexico,

to

make

a pilgrimage to the Virgin of San Juan.

To

save

them

this

journey, he told me, Father Aspiazu ordered a replica of the statue

made

to be

Mexico and subsequendy established the now-famous

in

shrine to her in the Texas Valley,

A

first

dedicated in 1954.

second version of the story intrigued

me

more. Around 1940,

an image of the Virgin was reported to be growing out of a rock northeast of San Juan, Texas. People started bringing candles and

going there to pray.

The Church did not approve of

devotion to the rock Virgin in the

fields.

Bringing the

the growing

Madonna de

Lagos from Mexico brought the faithful back into the parish

los

church.

However the devotion

now

Valley,

it is

site for

many,

to her

came

well established and has

especially

to be in the Rio

become

Mexican Americans from

a

Grande

major pilgrimage

all

over the United

States.

After visiting with Father Pete,

I

met Pedro Rodriguez, the head

who had been with this church for thirtytold me the strange story of the shrine's de-

sacristan at the shrine,

two

years.

Rodriguez

struction in

October 1970, when a crazed single-engine plane

pilot

radioed the control tower saying that he was going to destroy the church. In kamikaze fashion the pilot headed straight for the church

tower, having timed his attack to coincide with a special mass that

was being concelebrated by was

in session

pilot

on

priests

from

all

over the diocese. School

and the attached building was

full

of children. The

crashed into the tower, killing himself and setting the church

fire.

"I

helped the priests save the statue of

Our

Lady," Pedro told

LONGING FOR DARKNESS

262

me.

"It

was eleven

were over forty

came down was

in flames all

morning when

happened. There

it

church to celebrate mass. The

around

us.

ceiling

The school lunchroom next door

of children, but nobody was hurt except for the

full

was a

forty-five in the

priests in the

pilot.

It

miracle.'

The old

shrine

went by with

was completely destroyed by the

activities in a

crash. Years

temporary structure while donations from

the people, primarily migrant workers, steadily accumulated to build this striking,

much

two thou-

thousand people

19, 1980. Fifteen

more in the summer months. this Madonna has a special relationship

the shrine each weekend,

Rodriguez explained that with the migrant workers. that

larger shrine, seating nearly

which was dedicated on April

sand, visit

new, and

poured

It

was

their nickels, dimes,

in to build this shrine.

and

dollars

They marched with the Virgin

of San Juan de los Lagos on their banner to the state capitol in Austin. Before they leave for the fields

or the West, ritual

many come

and orchards of the North

here with their family to light a candle, a

repeated upon return. Father Pete had mentioned this too,

spoken of seeing families sleeping overnight

and

after their journeys as

to light a candle

and fulfill

The

life

and

cars, before

visit to la Virgen,

a promesa, give thanks for a prayer answered.

The strength of the workers' devotion Cortez, opened his heart

in trucks

migrant workers, to pay a

more

of the migrant worker

is

in turn taught Father Pete

to see, as

it

did mine in his

hard with often

water, plumbing, or decent housing.

little

telling.

or no drinking

He knows, Pedro

Rodriguez

assured me, for he was once a migrant worker himself.

Walking out of the shrine

in the early evening,

I

winds that seem to prevail here. At 8:00 p.m., F.

Driving back to the Casa de

gives off

its

last

la

am

hit

by the strong

it is still

Merced, a pale gold

nearly blinding light as

it

sets

92 degrees ball

of sun

over the brown,

MADONNA'S FACE

THE furrowed

behind the palm

fields,

now, the land

crickets are quiet

deserted as

I

trees,

beyond the mesquite. The

for miles

lies flat

speed along. By the Mile 3 road

a perfect fiery ball of

half glitters gold

and

The driveway

263

and

sign, the

miles, the road

sun has become

molten orange. By Mile 4 Road, only the top by Mile

bright;

at the

Casa

is

5, it is

gone.

lined with crimson red and pale pink

oleanders in bloom, the ash trees surrounding the house electric with

buzzing of insects. Marian's dogs bark as

I

walk up to the screen

porch.

"Had any supper

yet?" she asks as

excited about the parallels

I

see

I

walk into the kitchen.

between the Madonna de

a similar role for Solidarity in Poland.

points out at least

one major

am

Lagos

Madonna of Czes-

being a patron of the migrant workers and the

tochowa having

los

I

Marian quickly

"Americans consider unions

difference.

heroic in Poland, but not in the United States," she says without expression, and changes the subject.

Four more people arrived today,

this

time from Guatemala. Over

supper Marian attempts to explain the INS system for the Valley,

one that was unique

in the nation.

Those who applied

directly to INS, if considered eligible,

for

were permitted to

asylum

travel to

the city of their destination for the processing of their application.

Those

who were apprehended and

to travel as well. This

was

all

able to post

bond were allowed

standard procedure.

What was unique

about the policy in South Texas, Marian explains, was that refugees

who were

unable to post bond were required to stay in the Rio

Grande Valley

until their hearing, a process

three to four months, sometimes

became

up

which could

easily take

to five or six as the court systems

increasingly clogged.

While on the surface a refugee

on

illegal aliens

their

own

it

might have seemed a kindness to release

recognizance, because they were classified as

they were not permitted to work. The policy created

increasing hardships as the

Unable to meet the

numbers of people grew

financial

rapidly.

requirements of a bond, ranging

anywhere from $500 up to $7,000, growing numbers of people not

LONGING FOR DARKNESS

264

permitted to leave or to work were stranded in the Valley. In addition

were untold numbers who had

to those unable to post bond, there

who were

not been apprehended

caught in the net, complete with

road blocks, as well. Total estimates ran into the thousands.

By the following winter, with two thousand people even those

The

who had

a

week

ap-

They would no longer allow

plying for asylum, INS policy changed.

properly applied to leave the Valley.

when

story broke into nationwide headlines

Refugee Rights Project in San Francisco against the attorney general

the National

filed a class -action challenge

and INS. 9 The

result

was that over twelve

thousand refugees were allowed to leave the Valley and travel January 1989. 10 But INS changed detaining everyone

them

who

its

policies again

applied, even those

in

and went to simply

who had approached

voluntarily.

By the end of winter, fleeing Central

early 1989, nearly five thousand of those

America would be detained by the INS. The

corralon,

detention center, would be overflowing, and circus-size tents and

Red Cross

shelters

that turned the

The

would be

set

up

to

accommodate the overflow

Rio Grande Valley into a

situation in the Rio

state of chaos.

Grande Valley would deteriorate

to the

point that the Texas Conference of Churches and the Catholic Bishops

of Texas would publicly denounce the newest INS plan to stop the flow of refugees as "the largest concentration the Japanese- Americans

Bishop John plight that

J.

would

Fitzpatrick of Brownsville exist

"These are people

U.S.

soil

since II."

summarized the refugee

by spring.

who

tured, had family killed.

camp on

were incarcerated during World War

have been impoverished, terrorized, tor-

They

are fleeing civil wars. Great

numbers

of the civilian populations have been killed in these countries. Their

economies are ruined. They get here and they're not allowed to work, they're not allowed to leave this

INS

district,

and they're given no

food.

"There are two roads out of South Texas. Both have roadblocks at

which every bus, truck, and car

is

stopped and checked. Road-

MADONNA'S FACE

THE

United

blocks. Inside the

Grande.

The border

States.

no longer the Rio

is

been moved sixtv miles north of Brownsville.

It's

"The Central American Bishops have asked us sisting that the

We

change

a

to continue in-

United States stav out of their countries. Thev must

be self-determined.

must have

265

We

support the Bishops of Central America.

policv in the State Department," Bishop

in

Fitzpatrick said adamantlv."

numbers of people were deported without being

Increasing

formed of elemental

legal rights.

12

The court found

that

in-

"INS had

beaten, drugged, stripped, threatened, lied to and otherwise coerced

Salvadorans into waiving their right to seek political asvlum" and

ordered INS to see to telephones.

13

it

that people

had access to

Contempt proceedings would be

counsel and

legal

instituted against the

INS 14 by March 1989. At issue was the internationallv recognized right to seek asvlum. 15

The

that persons

who

have refugee status have the right not to be de-

ported. In 1987, a landmark U.S. Cardoza-Fonseca,

been applving

in

Supreme Court

decision, INS

v.

considerablv broadened the standard the INS had

determining refugee

the asvlum application

than on the

political

U.S. Refugee Act of 1980 gave recognition to the fact

more

on

status.

The 1987

decision bases

"well-founded fear of persecution" rather

a

proof of clear probabilitv. 16 But

difficult

as

Bishop

Fitzpatrick said, to admit that these people deserve the status of

refugees or political asvlum

means acknowledging

failure

in

U.S.

foreign policv.

When

Stacey Merkt was indicted, she gave a statement that

read years ago and have never forgotten: will

have no excuse.

never heard, the door." 17 I

I

was

I

will

—

T

United States

never be able to that

we

Her words troubled me

in the Valley,

had been

We

never knew'

"W e

set a

sav,

house on

then, and

now

never saw,

fire

in Poland, seen the

government was doing

in the

I

and locked

even more that

beginning to understand what she meant.

Now

camps. Her unspoken allusion to

Germans of the Third Reich who claimed thev their

'I

I

citizens

1930s and 1940s

didn't finallv

know what penetrated.

LONGING FOR DARKNESS

266

had come to see the Madonna de

I

dark one, but

I

Valley had rapidly as

los Lagos, morenita, the little

was being shown something

become

else.

The work

a matter of listening, not looking.

though the Madonna had led

me

there, only to point to

in the It

was

some-

thing else.

At dinner

I

across

sit

from

Sister Alberta, a gray-haired, soft-

spoken nun with a Spanish accent from her years of America. Sister Alberta offers to translate for to hear first-hand

she

still

works

why

people are

fleeing.

me

time on behalf of the poor.

full

her name. She

still

The overhead us as

we

chair

I

sit

can begin

A woman is

from

El

too afraid to give

fan whirrs softly, stirring the

warm night air around

enclosed on the screened porch after dinner. The metal

seems so

The woman begins "She

I

sixty years old,

has family there.

with every move. Crickets chirp

in squeaks

sit

El Salvador

so that

At over

Salvador has agreed to talk with us, though she

living in Central

tells

far

in the grass.

away from the languor of this summer

night.

in rapid-fire Spanish. Sister Alberta translates.

you that there

Salvador. She lived in a zone

were kidnappings, bombings

is

much

where

—

it

is

poverty and danger in El

was impossible to

was impossible to

says that the guerrillas are trying to protect the

army and the death squads, but they

live.

There

stay there.

She

poor against the

are often crushed by the land-

owners, the army, and the government."

The woman goes on air in a

in Spanish,

gesture of frustration.

throwing her hands up

in the

"Where can we go? we asked ourselves.

There was nothing for us to do but leave." "She said that even the very young boys have to go to the army

now even

sell,"

Alberta turns to

about their children.

children,

it's

horrible.

Alberta says.

me

to explain. "These people worry

We

all

the time

have no idea of the suffering that they are

going through in their minds. they

many

before fifteen. They kidnap

Some they even

I

know.

I

know what

kind of country

left.

"I

was

in

Guatemala and there are many from Guatemala here.

MADONNA'S FACE

THE I

left in

1982.

You would

find

it

the people they kidnapped, so

hard to believe

many

how

a truck

and take them

they tortured

children," Sister Alberta said,

putting her face in her hands, "even old ladies, they

on

267

just to rape them.

It

would put them

was unbelievable!

know Guatemala. "One day they took about sixty men to a certain countryside. Then they cut off their arms and legs and lived in

I

these things firsthand.

I

place in the left

them

to

die just like that.

"They took nearly one hundred people another families.

The men had

and then they shot

to dig their graves

men. The children had to watch

Whole

time.

their fathers being shot

all

the

and the

wives had to cover the dead husbands. "I

worked with the poorest people, the ones who

ravines, the hopelessly

poor and the drug

addicts.

lived in the

But even

bothered the authorities, was an offense. People began to that the police

protection.

were looking

torturing Sisters, too.

into hiding in a big convent, but every convent

belonged to a team of Guatemalans

I

I

decided to leave.

was

I

didn't

who worked

now was I

Many

had

I

went

spies around.

I

with the poor, but

a danger to them. That's

want anybody

sixty years old then.

me

me. Being a nun was no longer any

for

They were kidnapping and

they became afraid because

tell

this

when

to be hurt because of me.

thousands have been killed in

Guatemala. 18

"Now

it

The next day

seems that the worst place

I

is

El Salvador."

drove to Harlingen to Proyecto

Libertad,

the one source

of free legal aid for the refugees. Founded in 1983 by attorney Lisa

Brodyaga, Proyecto had nine thousand open

were three lawyers and secretarial

and volunteer

five paralegals,

staff to

at the time.

There

with the support of small

handle the crushing load.

Jim Cushman, one of the paralegals offices.

files

at Proyecto,

showed me the

Jim was particularly concerned about the children being held

in detention.

LONGING FOR DARKNESS

268

"They can be held

Most of the

indefinitely.

kids are fourteen to

seventeen years old, though sometimes they're younger,

the

like

seven-year-old that was brought in this week. Immigration [INS] had the attitude that they're defending our national security.

the CIA, with

like

will

do

in

files,

bad

Proyecto offices,

two couches of refugee

families.

I

them

deniability'

client." files,

so

full

else to pass, past

was going to meet Brenda Sanchez.

Brenda was the former Lutheran Church worker in the car the night Stacey

find

I

crammed with

one had to turn sideways to allow someone

that

was

faith.

you and your

as little as possible to help

walked through the

I

they share

hard to deal with, they have an attitude of 'plausible

really

and

whom

They operate

Merkt was

in El Salvador

who

arrested.

Stacey Merkt pleaded innocent. She was adopted by Amnesty International as a Prisoner of Conscience for her refusal to plead

She was indicted on a

guilty.

legal technicality that

In a subsequent incident she

was

later dismissed.

was ordered by the judge

to prison.

She voluntarily surrendered herself to a prison term while pregnant in 1987.

She was the

first

person in the United States convicted for

participating in the Sanctuary

Brenda speaks English but

movement. 19 is

more comfortable

athon Moore volunteered to translate. Brenda's voice

in Spanish. Jonis

soft

but firm.

Jonathon's sentence-by-sentence translation echoes and gives a res-

onance to her words.

was going home," she

"I

the school.

was fourteen.

I

from there to where that time.

I

I

casa,

got out of

had to take the

was known

It

"mi

said,

I

my bus.

had to get the bus from school.

It

was yet miles

There was a march

at

that after a march, the military comes,

repression occurs. "It ditions. ers.

was

a peaceful

Everybody was out on the

But that time when

bullets whine.

open. it

demonstration asking for better

When

I

So

I

went

was, he pulled

I

streets

was heading

ran to a garage, inside,

down

it

was

it

full

— home, we

for

living

con-

peasants, students, teach-

began to hear

was the only thing

that

was

of people. Whoever's garage

the metal gate in front just after

I

ran inside.

MADONNA'S FACE

THE

269

"He was looking outside through a crack to see what was going He was telling the rest of us what was happening because the bullets kept raining. There is the National Police outside. They're shooting at the demonstrators.' He said to get back, a tank was coming down the street. It stopped. A soldier on top of the tank veiled for him to open the door because he knew there were people on.

inside.

"The

soldier

the garage, that

was saving that there were subversives hidden

someone had been shooting out of the

garage,

in

which

wasn't true. Evervone started shouting, 'No!' But the soldier kept insisting in vulgar

language that they should open the door so that

thev could see that no one was armed. Finally they opened the door

none of us were armed.

so that the soldier could see that

"But the solider began shooting with

He

of the tank. just

opened "It

didn't ask anvthing

couldn't see

Mv

how many

flesh.

survived or

They used explosive

how many

floor. Pieces

blouse had been white.

"When

they opened the door, he

fire.

began to rain pieces of

was throw mvself down on the where.

machine gun from on top

a

when

Now

it

died.

bullets.

Only thing

I

I

did

of bodies were every-

was

red.

he finished shooting into the garage, he said that nothing

had happened here and the

happen there would

die.

first

person that said that something

Then he

left.

The tank

rolled

did

on down the

street.

crawled out from under the bodies around me.

and

I

ran back to school. This was about eleven-thirty in the morning.

I

"I

didn't get

My

home

to

familv thought

my

until

about eleven o'clock that night.

in the garage, before the

whose garage

it

tank had even come,

was had already had the

children go to the back and the

men

because there were people in front of

"The ones who died were old people, people

left

was dead.

I

"When we were the person

house

I

who had

in front. That's

me

in front, the

just

been

that

were

women and why lived, I

shot.

men, some students, some

in the streets

doing their

LONGING FOR DARKNESS

270

routine things of the day.

They hadn't

participated in the march,

they just happened to have been on the street, just the same as me, I

was going to catch the bus." Brenda

left El

Salvador in

December

"When we

1983.

was seven young people from the Lutheran Church.

woman and "A left

I

also

friend that

El Salvador.

old and five

A

had a one-year-old baby, I

my

grew up with was murdered not long before at

Her head was cut

she had been cut into parts.

womb

and cut into

off.

two

womb

morning

in the

week

until a

had been cut open,

Her baby had been taken out of her

When

parts, too.

dogs had already been eating

Her

I

was eighteen years

close friend, like a sister. She

months pregnant. They came

it

daughter Bessie.

and took her out of her house. She wasn't found later, outside.

left,

was the only

I

it.

the body was found, the

Fifteen days later they killed her

husband."

"The baby, the baby too?" was

all

I

could

say.

She nodded her

head and explained their offense.

"They were

Catholics.

Both belonged to

a Catholic base

who needed

munity. Her principal Christian mission was to help those it.

A young wounded man came

She bandaged

his

to her house

com-

and she helped him.

wound and gave him some of her husband's his name. He left.

clothes.

She had never even asked

"Three days

later

they

came

to

get

They

her.

killed

her

brother, too. "If a lot.

you are

a Christian there

She carried out her Christianity

"In El Salvador, before

more

On

and you

friends of ours,

this

were

we

left,

killed.

really practice,

and

in practice

it

costs

you

a crime.

it's

neighbors from our community,

This happened. This

same day they were looking

for Pedro,

were going to take him away but he wasn't

at

my

the truth.

is

husband; they

home when

they came

to look for him.

"The neighborhood was near the the community.

They

didn't let

air force base.

anybody go

They surrounded

in or out.

Between

midnight and two in the morning they began to knock on

specific

MADONNA'S FACE

THE They had

doors.

print of a

hand

a

Sometimes they marked your house with the

list.

had been dipped

that

271

warning. Leave or be killed.

white paint. That was a

in

The death squads of

El Salvador.

It

was

They took two women and three men. They

like their signature.

were looking for four men, Pedro was one of them, but he wasn't home. I

wasn't

I

home

either."

breathed a sigh of

Brenda went on

in

relief,

dug

in

my

bag for more Kleenex.

her simple, calm way, Jonathon

sitting

behind

her on the desk in this office the size of a closet, the only

empty

which we could speak

in

'They took

room

privately.

a girl fifteen, a girl eighteen

who was

pregnant six

months, another they took was a fourteen-year-old boy, then a sixteen-year-old boy, and a boy

who was

nearby. They raped the

to a football field

Then they took them they shot the three

They took them

nineteen. girls in

the football

to a public park in Ilyapango. In that park,

men and

when

The

the girls they continued to rape.

The

fifteen-year-old girl tried to run, so they shot her.

pregnant,

field.

girl that

was

they were through raping her, they put a gun up

her vagina and killed her and her baby."

"Wait "It

a minute,"

was on the

I

said naively, "this

saw everything but nobody saw

it,

they get

killed.

said anything. If

The

people have? Nada, nothing.

They

killed the

was

in public?"

plaza, si," said Brenda, "other people

men

somebody

soldiers have guns,

The person with

at five in the

saw

it.

They

says that they

and what do the

the

gun has power.

morning while everybody was

going out to work."

"You left El Salvador in December 1983, and came to the States. You were caught, but now you are free?" "Not completely. We're still waiting for a deportation hearing." "She's

still

out on bond, waiting for a hearing here on her petition

for political asylum,"

"I'm

still

Jonathon explained.

waiting for

my

destiny." 20

Brenda and Jonathon were calm when she finished deeply shaken.

talking.

I

was

LONGING FOR DARKNESS

272

I

drove straight from Proyecto to the airport at Harlingen to get a

flight to

San Antonio.

I

came

by making wrong turns,

Merced

leaving Casa de la

map

of Harlingen in

north, or south. I

My

my

close to missing the late afternoon flight

was so disturbed by Brenda's story and

I

that morning.

hand

I

Though

I

kept checking a

could not orient myself

east, west,

sense of direction had temporarily evaporated.

returned the rental car as

if

bus to the airport, settling into

by accident and hopped on a shuttle

my

seat

on the

flight just in

time for

takeoff. I

was going to

stay in a house run

by Catholic

religious in

San

Antonio, then drive to Czestochowa, Texas, the next day to see the Black Madonna.

backyard

Sitting in the political

later in

San Antonio at dinner, nothing

was discussed. Everyone made small

talk, to

my relief.

Stacey

Merkt, her husband John Blatz, and their baby Daniel Guadalupe

were there to from

trial in

litde things I

with two church workers

Nicaragua.

Texas, but

tired of being

child.

visit

five years in

I

it.

Rarely have

people talk about,

my

just returned

talk.

She herself was

much

appreciated the

had no stomach for such

asked about

sank into

who had

had intended to ask Stacey about her

I

like the

I

so

weather and the weight of a

chair under the trees and watched with special

pleasure as baby Daniel gleefully ran after a rooster that lived in the

backyard.

The room beds,

no

I

dormitory-style. I

was given to sleep

air conditioning, It

was

in

an electric

clean, pleasant,

was invited to join the residents

before going to bed,

I

was simple, with two

single

bunk

beds,

fan,

and

and

a set of

hot.

for prayer in the morning. Just

walked into the study to ask what time we

would meet, and on the wall

I

saw

a poster of

Robert Lentz's icon

MADONNA'S FACE

THE of the

Madonna

for El Salvador,

Main

273

de los Desaparecidos, the

Mother

of the Disappeared.

Painted in the traditional Bvzantine or Greek icon stvle against the nontraditional backdrop of a Central

Man- was

of this dark brown-skinned the white handprint painting,

smudged

in the

jungle, the

when

I

image

noticed

lower left-hand corner of the

was brought up short and

I

American

stunning. But

a

felt

punch. "The

visceral

white hand," one of the death squads in El Salvador.

Brenda had told

on vour door.

paint

me how

imprint of a

will find the

If

vou

sometimes when vou are marked, vou

human hand

that's

been dipped

in

white

hand on vour door and vou do

find this

not leave, vou too will disappear.

The Madonna with the white hand of

a

death squad on her icon.

She too was marked, in solidaritv with the disappeared. Suddenlv

it

led to bv the

Madonna I'd come to see, this was what had been Madonna de los Lagos. Eventhing had not understood

began to

There's a point at which the spiritual and the political

hit.

This was the

fit.

intersect.

I

I

The icon of the Madre

de los Desapureados

exploded out of

that junction.

stared at this image for a long time before going back to

I

room

mv

to sleep.

It

occurred to

Man- was

me

was something

that there

so often depicted as a passive sufferer.

false I

about the way

no longer believed

that.

Man in

it,

that as a

but

Man

is

it

not passive. The image that we've been shown has truth is

a limited truth.

I

derived great comfort

was an earthlv mother, that she went through

teen-age mother, that she had

had borne

at least

one

child.

But Man's passivitv

a

A woman

ferocious

rising

pregnancy

homelessness, that she

She had witnessed that child's suffering

and death, she knew the depths of

see.

known

in the fact a

mav

be

all

a

mother's sorrow. that we've allowed ourselves to

up against authoritv,

a

woman

woman, an independent woman, an

strong and fearless, heroic

woman,

a

Madre de

los

Desaparecidos. (Robert Lentz)

MADONNA'S FACE

THE physically courageous

woman

—

not have served the social order.

to have seen I

Mary

and meditation.

I

way would

this

began to imagine Mary differendy.

imagined Mary as a fierce mother one morning

I

275

in

my

prayers

imagined her protecting Christ. The Mary

I

saw

stepped in front of his tormentors. She did not stand passively as he

made

way

his

to Golgotha, at

first

she hurled herself at the

wrench

soldiers, "Stop, stop, stop!" trying to

their

Roman

whips away from

them, then to remove his crown of thorns. She was fiercely protective

and she was greatly outnumbered. They shoved her away and formed a phalanx

around Christ.

She denounced the soldiers, she defied them. She did not

faint,

she was not helpless, she did not retreat, she was not polite. She was

tower of strength, she did not take her eyes off her Christ. She

a

walked with him, outside the phalanx of

soldiers.

She was

most

his

powerful witness, she suffered with him mentally and physically. This that

is

a

Mary we have not seen

in the

West. This

is

a

Mary

we need now, a fierce Mary, a terrific Mary, a fearsome Mary, who does not allow her children to be hunted, tortured,

a protectress

murdered, and devoured. "Mary, the poorest people, the most vulnerable, the weakest suffer the

"Why

asked.

We

lioness defending

her young,

"Show me your

see the

Mayo,

I

Mayo.

I

need a mother

I

is

terrible

when

see the

crossed.

face."

Abuelas de la Plaza del

Mothers of the Disappeared, Madres

imagine these

women

women

of

whom

I

de la Plaza del

have only read.

defied the Argentine military's ban

onstrations in April 1977,

know

who

to you?"

Would it be worse if they did who protects us, who is like a

Grandmothers of the Disappeared,

Fourteen

to

do they pray

don't you protect them?

not pray to you?

I

Why

most are devoted to you.

on dem-

and came to the Plaza del Mayo demanding

the whereabouts of their children and loved ones

who had

LONGING FOR DARKNESS

276

"disappeared." They were dismissed as crazy, called

"las Locos*'

The

Mothers refused to be intimidated. They did not go away.

The Mothers returned, every Thursday. By December 1977, they had become

a target of the military themselves in Argentina,

and

nine of their members, including a French nun, were taken away by

plainclothesmen after a meeting and never heard of again. They disappeared, along with thirty thousand other Argentinians.

The

Mothers returned to the Plaza to demonstrate the following Thursday. Nothing stopped them.

By 1984,

las Locas

had become national heroines. The Mothers of

the Disappeared had continued to demonstrate,

week

after

week,

year after year. Bearing witness, powerful witness, witness that has

become known around the world. military in

1

Las Madres.

Maria Acevedo's son and daughter were taken by the

In Chile,

984. Involved in demonstrations against the government

put in power by the CIA-backed military coup against Allende, her children

were targeted by the National

Police.

Maria and her husband Sebastian were kicked in the door and took

work

At

from

his

them

at the police stations

first

the police

The son they took

Maria and Sebastian went looking for

and military headquarters. They were not

the second day,

my

husband

himself in front of the church. ... to a cross

.

.

.

day, Sebastian

He The

arrest. Sebastian

He

said that

he wanted to crucify

asked the priests to

him

nail

but they would not. So at four o'clock on the third

Acevedo

set himself on fire in front of the church.

.

." 2I .

died that night. Sebastian

internationally

Acevedo Movement Against Torture has become

known

for

which Maria plays an

were

home when

increasingly distraught.

"On

in

at

their daughter.

Rape and torture often accompanied

to be found.

grew

place.

first

its

nonviolent direct-action groups in Chile,

active part. In 1987, her son

and daughter

released.

In El Salvador,

we

have CoMadres, Committee of Mothers and

Relatives of Political Prisoners, Disappeared

and Assassinated of

El

MADONNA'S FACE

THE

Salvador, inspired by the

awarded the 1 984 Robert

277

Grandmothers of Argentina. CoMadres was F.

Kennedy Memorial Human Rights Award

for its work on behalf of the disappeared and political El Salvador. Started on December 24, 1977, still they strating, protesting, witnessing, refusing to

prisoners of

demon-

are

accept that their children,

husbands, friends, and loved ones are neither dead nor

alive, "dis-

appeared."

The witness

one

is

who

does not despair or give up,

speak up and

will

looks,

who

does not turn away,

willing to be called upon,

who who

who will take an oath, who will help me God," to the community,

testify in public,

bind themselves to the truth, "so for the

is

who

community,

for without the witness there can be

no com-

munity. I

begin to understand the strength

step, to

be willing to see and to

appears that one In these

is

it

listen,

takes to

doing nothing.

women,

I

make even

even when

begin to see Mary's face.

it is

the

first

terrifying. It

"

Walesa's Prayer CiJonsk. Poland

"The path

Down

is

We

straight.

are at the edge.

in the village the little bell chimes.

Roosters on the fences greet the light

And

and happy.

the earth steams, fertile

"Here

dark.

it is still

Fog

like

a

river flood

Swaddles the black clumps of

bilberries.

But the dawn on bright

wades in from the shore

And

the ball

of

stilts

the sun, ringing,

rolls.

—

Czeslaw Milosz

1

California

September 1988 I

came back from Texas with these

are

many more than

and walked with them

What

is

one to do with

in the

Sister

my

life

in

278

in

my ears.

woke up with them

morning.

la

I

Merced, the

sharp perspective.

Marian Strohmeyer and

There

at night

could not unhear them.

My

House of Mercy, put the

admiration for people

Sister Alberta grew.

day with an awareness of which It

I

kind of knowing? The Mothers of the

this

Disappeared and the Casa de ease of

burning

stories

are told here.

I

They

like

lived every

held only the smallest fragment.

was easy to be outraged by what

I

had seen and heard and

WALESA'S PRAYER yet

knew

I

279

unequivocally that anger was part of the problem, not

the solution. Ultimately the problem isn't "them," be

it

the govern-

ment, the INS, Congress, anything or anyone objectified, separate or

The problem

outside.

my own

around

that there

is

lies

heart, lies in

all

injustice

will is

my own

an "other" that

"they" would change, then then

thinking that wants to imagine

enemy

the

is

It

outside myself.

all

will

be well. No.

be well, must be

my

position. This

to be tolerated nor that

be

will

I

that the solution begins with looking at

see so

grow

in the hardness that threatens to

my

only

If

I

will

If

only

change,

means neither

that

means simply

silent. It

part. Let the

change

was not easy to put the awareness and

received into practice.

I

failed often

spiritual teachings I've

and continue to do

so.

had no

I

easy answers to the enormous complexities of South Texas, but

had a new willingness to

The

live

greatest consolation

Project. This gave circle

I

needed begin with me.

me

with the questions that

I

brought up.

it

was the continued meetings of the Peace

hope. This was what

I

kept in front of me, a

of young people asking, together, what does

it

mean

to "be

peace"? Thich Nhat Hanh's question deepened.

When

the chance

came

to

go back to Poland

Poland had continued to reverberate through

I

my

eagerly accepted. life.

Without the

pilgrimage to Czestochowa, without the Black Madonna, without the

glimpse of Auschwitz,

would not have become part of the Peace

I

would not have stayed

at the Casa de la Merced in

South

Project,

I

Texas.

might have gotten a hotel room, driven out to the Shrine

at

I

San Juan and

to begin to see

left

the Valley, too blind and frightened to be willing

and hear what

Poland was shaking that the U.S.

I

did.

out of the nightmare of totalitarianism

seemed to be backing

was inspired by I

itself

my

friends in Poland

longed to see Dominik.

I

from sheer moral decay.

and what was happening

had had no time or inclination

pilgrimage was over and the

visit

I

there.

after the

to Auschwitz to inquire about the

pre-Christian culture at Jasna Gora. find

into

I

was

still

curious.

I

wanted to

Lech Walesa to ask about the Black Madonna. He wears

a

badge

LONGING FOR DARKNESS

280

with her picture on

everywhere. The pilgrimage the

it

summer before

had been a great show of resistance to the authorities and an outpouring of support for Solidarity while Solidarity was

still

outlawed.

Few seemed to know about or understand the relationship Black Madonna to Poland, Walesa, and Solidarity. I

wanted to go to Yugoslavia where the Virgin

is

reported to be

appearing now, like in the past at Fatima or Lourdes,

meet one of the

would not

Above and I

air,

I

visionaries

who

of the

I

wanted to

speak with her. The apparitions

last indefinitely. all,

I

wanted

to get to the surface.

I

needed perspective

was so uncomfortable, so saddened, so disturbed by what

had found

in Texas,

the situation.

packed and

What

left for

no matter how philosophically

saw and heard was wrong and

I

Poland

six

weeks

could view

I

was

it

tragic.

I

later, reeling.

Gdansk, Poland October

1988

"Yes," Monsignor Jankowsky said, "the Black Madonna.

You want

know about the Madonna and Solidarity. She is our patron, she Queen of the workers. This is a very special relationship, very important. The workers believe that she will take care of them in to is

the

every situation. This devotion

developments, Poland

"Now

it

is

very important. She

movement and now

the Solidarity

finally

the hope of

has a chance.

most important

is

is

today, with the latest political

to act, not to say.

change the situation here in Poland," he

tells

me;

"it

Words cannot is

very difficult

now, but the Polish people are powerful.

"Send Poland your moral support. The change one can stop

it.

Czestochowa's Madonna

helps us to live here.

It's

a sanctuary in

is

sanctuary.

We

makes

this

church

in

which

Gdansk

draw our strength from

it.

inevitable.

No

a great symbol, which

protection. In this northern part of Poland, the in St. Brygid's

is

millions of people get

copy of the Madonna

like a small

Czestochowa

Zxk&»& *U;„^-~

%m& ite*&Si

'

^^ SKff ~w

S,rr A j(,\ ^fefcy '

J

:«fS*r .,,«_.

_->.-

'•'&t±j-

S*Sl&rfSC%»fcfl

STflH q

5*

S"

UP

1

1988 and

Czestoc/iowa pilgrimage

"Come Thursday Walesa about

Hi

Bii'if

OTN/CV

Solidarity banners.

(Photographer unknown)

one- thirty and you can speak directly with

at

this."

Lech Walesa's devotion to the Black Madonna was well known within Poland, but

I

could find no way to arrange a meeting with him from

the United States to ask I

him about

Solidarity

it.

was

still

oudawed.

conferred with a Polish friend. "Just go to

St.

Brygid's

told me.

"You must ask

want to

talk to

for

Church

in

Gdansk," Wiktor Osiantinski

Monsignor Jankowsky.

Tell

him

that

you

Walesa about the Madonna and see what happens,"

he said in his characteristically understated fashion.

"You

will stay

writer too, she It's

with us

in

Warsaw.

knows everyone.

very simple what you must do.

If

Go

Call

my

wife Ewa. She's a

anyone can help you, she can. to

Gdansk and

find

St.

Brygid's,

LONGING FOR DARKNESS

282

and ask for Jankowsky. Maybe he

that's Solidarity headquarters,

be there, maybe not.

be up to him whether or not you see

will

It

will

Walesa."

Having been

would work Poland in

Poland before,

in

out,

The

sensed.

I

exceedingly generous.

is

Warsaw and go

to

I

knew he was

wanted

I

to see

Everything

right.

hospitality provided

by people

Dominik and

Gdansk no matter what. Whether

I

in

friends

got to see

Walesa or not was not so important. Go. See what happens.

joined a small group for the

I

first

part

of the journey.

As

became more complicated

life

of the government in power,

One had

forward.

it

in

Poland with the crumbling

simultaneously became

correspondence with people

in Poland,

more

no getting through

headquarters, might be tapped. Mail was oftened opened

to

in

Poland was enormous, something on the

an Arctic glacier breaking loose in a surge and suddenly

traveling at a

of a glacial

hundred times

dam

icebergs, water, Solidarity,

that

and

about to loose massive roaring torrents of

debris. at the bargaining table

with the

Agreement had been reached

to hold roundtable

no one could agree under what circumstances they would

take place.

It

Gdansk with

was

a stunning development.

its Stare

Miasto, the old city,

and medieval buildings

much

normal speed or the pending breakup

headed by Rakowski, an arch enemy of Solidarity's

in the early eighties. talks, yet

is

its

oudawed, was

still

Polish government,

had

Wiktor

the contact direcdy.

What was happening scale of

still.

There was nothing to do but go to Gdansk and attempt

right.

make

secretaries,

or answering machines. Phones, especially at Solidarity

assistants,

was

straight-

was no lengthy advance

to act direcdy. There

now

with

its

graceful fountains

reconstructed along the Vistula River

historical significance.

I

wanted

to find St. Brygid's. Every

time Solidarity or anything remotely political was brought up, our

WALESA'S PRAYER government guide would change the

Warsaw, we had passed

a large

subject.

demonstration

283

The day before

in

Warsaw

in front of the

City Hall with police ringing hundreds of protesters waving banners,

and people

still

pouring in from side streets to join the gathering.

we drove through

As

the middle of the crowd-filled street in our

Mercedes-Benz tour bus, our guide tried to convince us

it

was

a

student prank, to be taken as a joke.

The country was on the The discrepancy between what I could see

The buildup of pressure was verge of breaking apart.

my own

with

I

wanted to grab him by the shoulders and

"Are you crazy? Surely you see what's happening?

we

that

can't?" Officially

the obvious. Best to find

it

seemed

St.

its

location.

I

went up

Soon

a

in

to anyone

my

on

own,

I

decided, and

Gdansk, not having any sense of

who

looked friendly and

young couple overheard

to the door, only a

Do you imagine

that he could not acknowledge

Brygid's

walked off alone that afternoon

Brygid's?"

made me

eyes and our guide's official description

increasingly tense, until say,

palpable.

said, "St.

me and walked me

direcdy

few blocks away from the market where we

stood.

At

St.

Brygid's there

was noticeable enthusiasm

in the

crowds of

people going in and out of the church. Flags fluttered in the strings of

them suspended from the church

spire to the

a country fair or Tibetan prayer flags. People milled

air,

ground

long like

around outside

the entry, while inside the church the sale of Solidarity souvenirs

went on

briskly in the back.

where

might find

I

I

this

There

I

was

able to get directions as to

Monsignor Jankowsky.

went out of the church and around

rang the

bell,

to the parish house

not knowing what to expect. Within moments

ushered in to wait while the housekeeper found someone speak English. time later

I

Someone came, we

talked,

was told that Jankowsky was

More people came into was ushered into a vistors' room

I

in

who

I

and

was

could

waited again, then some

and would see me. Please

be seated.

the hallway. Within half an hour,

I

as three

hands, walked out.

men, smiling and shaking

LONGING FOR DARKNESS

284

Monsignor Jankowsky was

rimmed

glasses.

motioned sat

down

me

to

across

He was not sit down in

a large, portly

man, with gold wire-

sure of the purpose of a large carved black

on the black

No.

He spoke I

table

where we

sat.

very litde English, so

pulled out pictures of the

in Polish,

He bounced

in a state

called

and

chair

the cut-glass

I

Madonna of

up, walked out of the

and soon returned with

flag, in

asked

Jasna Gora and the

He understood someroom

saying something

young man who spoke English

a

more fluendy and could translate for us. The new cabinet was to be announced was

wooden

he

me if spoke German. explaining my visit was difficult. He

pilgrimage and he smiled, no words required. thing now.

visit as

from me, looking slighdy puzzled. There were red

and white carnations, the colors of the Polish vase

my

that week. Everything

of flux. There were talks of strikes everywhere, whether

by Walesa or not. Young workers were fed up.

clear that they

It

was not

would follow Walesa. The government made

ening statements about not allowing anarchy. Poland's

threat-

mood was

volatile.

Yes,

Jankowsky promised me,

for fifteeen, perhaps

agreed.

Once

twenty minutes, the following Thursday.

the group tour

is

over

the 700-kilometer round trip from at the

could speak with Walesa alone

I

I

will

Warsaw

somehow have to Gdansk.

to

It is

make

The phones

church were out of order and there was no indication of when

they might be fixed. His translator ventured, 'The government?

Maybe they cut the phones off, maybe they just are broken. No way to know. No way to confirm the appointment. Just come." I thank the good Monsignor and his translator and take my leave. The hallway is

full

of people waiting to see Jankowsky.

The next morning we went shipyards, built in

memory

1970s and 1980s.

Formed

to the Solidarity

of those in

who

monument by

the Lenin

died in the strikes of the

the turmoil of August

1980

as

an

expression of the cooperation between the steel mill workers and

WALESA'S PRAYER the shipyard workers, Solidarity

To

about Solidarity and what set

No

was not

begin to understand Poland

I

285

just another political party.

had to learn something more

apart from other political movements.

it

matter what would happen in the future, Solidarity had had an

impact on the country and

irreversible

its rise

was

instructive. Jon-

athan Schell's essay on Solidarity and interview with one of

Adam

architects,

Michnik,

instructive.

is

life

Rather than

which to

in

chief

nonviolence and the arena

Solidarity's genius lay in its choice of

of everyday

its

2

resist the authorities, Schell points out.

resist the totalitarianism

and repression of the Polish

government with an equallv violent response,

Solidarity completely

sidestepped the usual revolutionary process.

Michnik's finely honed philosophy was grounded in his

own

Often he wrote from prison. The philosophy he articulated

actions.

was direct and straightforward. ".

.

start

.

doing the things you think should be done, and start

being what you think society should become.

speech?

Then speak

you believe in a

in

freely.

Do you

love the truth?

an open society? Then act

humane

decent and

society?

Do you

believe in free

Then

in the open.

tell

Do you

it.

Do

believe

Then behave decendy and hu-

manely."

When KOR,

the

Workers Defense Committee and spearhead of

the democratic opposition,

was founded

public statement of purpose to

in 1976,

which they

members wrote

affixed their names,

a

phone

numbers, and addresses, an unheard-of action for the opposition of a totalitarian regime. Early on,

and trust

a

political situation,

with the danger of

the secret police, they their

KOR

made openness,

truthfulness,

matter of policy. This was not naive idealism. In their

knew

movement. They chose

that fear trust,

infiltration

by informers and

and suspicion would destroy

within the bounds of

sense, as a matter of public policy. This

common

was the kind of building

block out of which Solidarity was constructed.

Despite the declaration of martial law in Poland in 1982 and the

banning of Solidarity, resistance continued and grew.

When

Michnik

LONGING FPU DARKNESS

286

was released from prison people in Poland sistance

he found

in 1984,

more than

dreams of a

free

exceeded, he told Schell. Re-

fulfilled,

and repression existed

his

side by side. People

were arrested but

not intimidated. Poles refused to consider themselves defeated by the government, despite tremendous repression, and so they were

not defeated. This affirmation of autonomy and decency in the face of repression seems to be key to the survival and to the future successes,

whatever they might be, of

Solidarity. This acting "as if"

they were a free people, coupled with the violence, helped bring Solidarity into

The

policy of nonviolence also

its

strict discipline

of non-

position of strength.

made

it

possible to have the

support of the Church, Jankowsky told me, so crucial to the opposition^ survival.

The Madonna of Czestochowa had long symbolized

the triumph of a free Polish spirit against icon of the Black in

Madonna

at

all

odds.

A

Poland during martial law but

it

sparked so

much

dom

Czestochowa Madonna

is

villages

resistance that

the authorities placed the painting under house arrest. religious symbol, the

copy of the

Czestochowa circulated through

More than

a

an archetype of free-

in the Polish psyche.

The sense of freedom here being in Poland because

and person

I've

isn't unfamiliar.

is

building rapidly. In part,

been here before. Every

I

feel freer

single situation

But the other part belongs to Poland.

As the economic system and the government's authority continue to break down, something else opens up. Exhilaration, confusion, sor-

row, frustration, excitement, exhaustion, ignation, I

all

mixed together,

returned to

Warsaw

linger

and

fill

relief,

the

early the next morning.

Professor Andrzej Wiercinski kindly received first

day of classes for the

cynicism, and res-

air.

fall

me

in his office

on the

semester, amidst the busde of student

conferences and scheduling changes.

I

make my way

to his office

WALESA'S PRAYER

287

hoping that, as an anthropologist at the University of Warsaw, he

me

will tell

about pre-Christian use of the

of Jasna Gora.

site

is a man of medium height with wavy white hair and He wears a white coat like a physician. He tells me that he yet made a god of his health and smokes heavily, do mind?

Wiercinski glasses.

has not I

am

I

and

in his office

feel that

can only say that

I

don't, but he

I

make me

kind enough not to light up during our conversation and

prove

is

it.

He

has

no

interest in the pre-Christian Slavic culture,

me blundy when

him about the

ask

I

site

he assures me, was very patriarchal. in the

Great Mother Goddess, he

the Hymns thrust back

"She

Goddess

to the

on what

I

of Jasna Gora. Slavic culture,

He

interested in Hinduism,

is

says, pulling

from the Sanskrit

down

a translation of

off his bookshelf.

I

am

already know.

ruin you

will

he informs

if

you devote yourself

seriously

to

this

problem," he says ruefully. I

do not know what he means by

rather than

condemned by

territory, at least for myself.

I

fit

both liberating and disorienting.

need for approval, the desire to I

don't belong.

I

remark.

this

this pursuit.

I

know

I

am

felt

in

delivered

unmarked

nowhere and everywhere. This begin to discover the depth of

fit in,

is

my

to be a part of, to belong, but

search for a label that

I

have

I

that

I

can grab onto but there

one.

isn't

Perhaps this

is

what Wiercinski meant:

to seek and to worship

these images of divinity, to claim the darkness as well as the light of

the

Buddha Tara, of Mary, of God the Mother,

against

But

Western

this

is

My enemy

culture,

fight,

just as

to pit myself direcdy

soon she was

left out.

old thinking again, to see myself embattled, in conflict. is

my own way

experience. There

must

which would

is

there

is

is

my own

not a person or an institution outside that

only

The dream of the

of ignoring the authority of

my own

Dalai Lama:

for you, not the Dalai

I

thinking.

no one can

verify

Lama, not the Pope, not

all

your experience the professors,

lamas, rinpoches, teachers, friends, family, or people one considers

LONGING FOR DARKNESS

288

wise in the world. There

only the effort to be in relationship with

is

what some might choose to

"We

under the

live

call

God.

of the Great Mother," Wiercinski went

spell

window

on, pacing back and forth in front of the

Warsaw

"The material world is

that

we

nourished.

we

this,

the female side of God, mater.

is

don't recognize

so

it,

we

are

consumed by

The problem it

rather than

We are under the spell of mater-iality; if we don't recognize

will

be devoured."

Late that afternoon is

in his office, the

sky outside gray and threatening.

I

went on

and the

a Catholic priest,

to

meet Professor Janusz

who

Pasierb,

art historian in charge of preserving the

icon at Jasna Gora. Early for the appointment,

sit

I

on

outside

a

stone wall next to his apartment building, watching as the late after-

noon

light softens

pearls, casting a

Warsaw

walls along this I

and

milky pink over the stone

street.

had been directed to Pasierb by Professor Anna

historian with a special interest in folk art

the

Madonna. Over

tea

Madonna

Czarna Madonna. dark, yes, she

I

of her she was black, yes, but

art

me

that

some

art

being called the Black Madonna,

was completely surprised by

was dark brown.

an

and roadside shrines of

and cookies, she informed

historians objected to the

Iracka,

In black still,

this

remark. She was

and white representations

not everyone approved of

this

term, "Black Madonna."

Janusz Pasierb received Yes, he told

Madonna"

is

me

in his spacious

me, Anna Iracka was correct, the expression "Black inaccurate.

It is

a recent turn of phrase, possibly sparked

by the popularity of a song written by concedes that perhaps

way

book-lined apartment.

it

to oppose the authorities, resistance

itarianism, but

still,

it

a

nun

became popular because

is

in the sixties. it

was

grows subde under

an incorrect term,

in his opinion.

represents something negative in European culture, he

"She

is

not black, she

is

He

a linguistic

tells

total-

Black

me.

cosmic red, the color of blood, of

life!

WALESA'S PRAYER Cosmic red comes from the

289

painter's intuition that as these figures

descended from above the earth, they would have to burn through the atmosphere, thus the term 'cosmic red.' a

deep red-brown. Red

Cosmic red

is

actually

in Byzantine art represented the fluid of

life.

Black was not used in icons."

Red.

was astonished to hear

I

wonderful about

this description.

The Black Madonna

it.

is

There

is

something

cosmic red.

Mary, Star of Heaven, burning through the atmosphere, the descent fiery and glowing into the earth,

now

rising darkened,

deep

red-brown, some say scorched, black. Tara, Morning and Evening Star,

growing out of the rock, colored

blood red with

brilliant

tika

powder.

Glowing and molten, the image brown-red. Black symbolizes the in the

Gdansk, sit

stage of the alchemical process

first

I

is

go to

visit

Dominik

at the Pauline

room.

upstairs in a large receiving

that he painted himself of the

is

an accomplished painter. The copy

open the

and

I

fairly

"The

large double

can see

it

fully.

glow with

Monastery

He

Warsaw.

has brought a copy

windows

I

hadn't realized that Dominik

is

small in scale but beautiful.

to let in the afternoon sunlight

The lower windows

are the color of

a kind of ancient, honeyed,

Wlodzimierska

in

leave for

famous Russian icon Ikona Wlodzimierska

show me, another Dark Madonna.

so that

we

the interview with Lech Walesa. Before

to

We

from black to dark earth

West; red, the crucial moment of transformation.

Tomorrow

We

shifts

Madonna means

autumnal

to the Russians

amber

light.

what the

Madonna at Czestochowa means to the Poles." Dominik had been allowed to be alone with the icon of the Madonna of Jasna Gora one day at Czestochowa. "Did I tell you about this?" he asked. "It was quite wonderful, really." The painting had been removed from the chapel for some restoration work and he was given permission to see "Face to

face,

it

by himself for

not somewhere up above. Yes,

just a it

few minutes.

was

a very great

LONGING FOR DARKNESS

290

experience, really.

The

someone with

old, like

see the ages

on

it

was completely

were very

colors

body with

You can was completely dark. I know

picture

another place should be red, but

in

"It

is

picture.

altogether.

The

bright. It

just

a lot of scars.

looked completely dark.

it

off the overhead light for the

different, mysterious

very difficult to

It isn't

Very strange, very

like the earth.

that in this certain place there should be green

Then the Father switched it

is

The

this picture.

from having studied and

picture

a very old

—

the picture was

room and light! The

was wonderful.

tell

you what

wood and

it

was

like. It isn't a

paint and gesso.

painting isn't an

It is

normal

something

else

but someone, do you understand

'it'

me? "But for that time

know.

was

I

was surprised,

my

prayer.

I

kept thinking

the 'Our Father,' but

I

Twenty people took

I

that's

in

part, arriving in

two hundred seventy-seven

now

changed.

From

for

my

me,

my

presence

way.

a year ago began

"The Warsaw pilgrimage used but

couldn't really pray, you

should be praying, maybe saying

was praying

"The pilgrimage we went on 1711,

I

was only staying and looking, because

I

on August

2,

171

Czestochowa on August

1.

14,

years ago. to be the

all

most famous pilgrimage,

over Poland now, everywhere,

people are walking, since 1978. Every group has the Solidarity banner.

You

saw. This

way

unofficially people are

our government that Solidarity

though

it is still

Polish,

whoever

outlawed. Solidarity is

free inside

"Walesa has done his relationship

still

showing others and showing

exists, is

is

alive in Poland,

inside everyone

who

is

even really

and independent.

this pilgrimage, too. Yes,

Walesa started from

with the Black Madonna, from God, for

Solidarity.

Every time he would go to Jasna Gora for a very important feast and pray to the Black Madonna.

"Ask Walesa about him, she

is

his relationship

with the Black Madonna. For

very important. Most people from abroad ask him only

political things,

but there

is

something

else here in Poland,

more

WALESA'S PRAYER than

politics. In

life

our nation there are not only

We

problems.

spiritual

of the

have

a

martial law

if

when he had been

alwavs had the

little

remember

I

"It

Madonna

He gave to He made the

his

was

a very

the Black

in

Madonna

of the broken

gift

totally.

life,

vou should be working

Nobel Prize

made during

he was

in prison

plaque

a little

heart.

He

gave

His prayer was alwavs 'My

my

wonderful prayer of Lech Walesa. He gave

Madonna,

[for peace] to the

the prayer for that reason.

It's

a private matter of his

life,

life

life.'

in the

it's

monasterv

really his love for

not for show.

He

her and his

his at

make

Jasna Gora. He's a very famous person in Poland, but he didn't

It's

he

badge of the Black Madonna with him. Afterwards

with a broken heart.

vours,

and the

authorities

well, he

When

arrested.

he came to Jasna Gora.

is

problems but

political

war between the

spirit.

"This praver of Walesa,

the Black

291

spirit.

said this prayer in

Jasna Gora and asked for her protection for our country.

'The Walesa.

portrait of the

You can

pinned over

We

see

worker

in the

him with the

his heart.

He wears

little it

Blikle, the oldest

for you, pani,

and

Gora

painting of the Black

dark.

It

delicious

bakery in Warsaw, founded salty

at Jasna

is

Lech

Madonna

to this day."

Warsaw for Gdansk just after way. Our taxi driver has brought

leave

each

museum

is

350 kilometers

little

in 1869.

cakes from

"Sweet ones

ones for the men."

who accompanies me, is a painter Warsaw after the pilgrimage. One of my favorites is his "Black Madonna and Child Fleeing Warsaw," done in 1982, during martial law. A tall, blond man with an attractive, angular face, Tomasz has a capacity for optimism unusual for anyone, much less Poles, who seem characteristically more inclined toward irony. Soon he will Tomasz

had met

Sikorski, the friend

I

in

be coming to the States to marry a After the

first

hour of the

drive,

woman he met while teaching. we are quiet. It's well after dark,

LONGING FOR DARKNESS

292

nearly eight o'clock.

fall

I

bounced around, and

asleep despite being

wake up not long before we

Gdansk

arrive in

at eleven o'clock.

Ewa

Bogdan, the driver, delivers us to a friend of

who

has generously opened her

upon spreading

us and insists In

moments she

tins

some bread and

sardines,

nearly time to be at

Walesa.

table.

We

St.

museum

tomatoes, eat three

I

Suddenly

in the old city.

Brygid's and

I

still

want

to

women, men "Wait

it

buy flowers

is

for

dash out to Bogdan, asleep in the taxi parked off the

square. In Poland flowers are given at every occasion: to

for

cheese, and have to say goodnight.

the archeological

visit

fish, slicing

on the

tea

up

our useless protests.

1988

October 13,

We

of meat and

and

cheese, bread, setting out butter

Osiantinski's

to us. She has waited

a full dinner over

opening up

is

home

to

women, women

to

men,

from

women

the custom.

it is

Tomasz

here, then we'll drive to the church,"

explains

quickly in Polish, as he bends over, leaning into the cab. Walking

quickly to a nearby flower stand, six

I

buy red and white

of each, the colors of the Polish

We Gdansk.

flag.

drive into the parking lot at

staying with the car.

He

is

It is illegal

nervous since he

for is

roses, a dozen,

Bogdan

Brygid's.

St.

him

obviously not a

painted on the doors of his bright yellow

on

insists

to have driven his taxi to

We

taxi.

local.

Warzsawa

are right

is

on time

for the interview at one- thirty.

We

are walking across the courtyard to the parish house

Walesa himself drives into the courtyard alone,

new

gray

VW van.

He

gets out, a short

man

sandy brown hair, dusty black shoes, a blue is

him the bouquet of

roses.

He

strangers, smiles politely, thanks

the time

we make

it

is

me

when

wheel of a

with a gray mustache, shirt,

about to go into the parish house when

and give

at the

I

and gray pants,

walk up to him to

used to receiving flowers from in Polish,

and hurries

inside.

By

through the small group that has gathered inside

the hallway waiting for him, Walesa has disappeared into a meeting

WALESA'S PRAYER room with Jankowsky and

We

others.

wait.

293

Soon

it

is

1:45 p.m.,

past time for the meeting.

Just then Jankowskv's translator bursts through the front door

and

me. "I'm very sorry to be

finds

late.

me

Let

Monsignor,"

find

he says as he walks past, and he too disappears into the meeting

room. Moments "It

later

he comes out.

He cannot see you now. Impossible. The new cabinet today. In Warsaw.

impossible today.

is

government. They just announced the

Come

to the press conference he's giving at

two o'clock

in the

church

Go around to the back. You'll have time with him there. best we can do. Sorrv," he says sweetly, and dashes off.

tower. the

I

imagined trying to get a word

in

It's

edgewise between the various

wire services and newspapers' seasoned and aggressive reporters, or josding for space with television crews.

having to ask questions about the

I

am

Madonna

startled at the idea of

in public.

At two o'clock sharp, Walesa comes out of

and

parish hall

a

meeting

strides quickly across the courtyard to the church.

A

room

in

group of us follow, up the narrow circular staircase into the tower. There are nearly thirty of us in the

everyone

He

seated.

is

with

sits

to

my

many

no

relief,

room with him, once

No

I

don't

television crews,

know who

the other

His translator announces a few ground rules, asks

are.

of us he must translate for, and then Walesa

The room

is

more

cabinet appointments,

questions of the

it.

to this or not,

She it is

is

what

strikes,

what

moment.

Madonna seems

else will ask

is

open

how

to questions.

quiet.

Will there be

the

few reporters.

radio,

a

his translator in front, the eagle of

Poland patterned on the wallpaper behind him.

people

in the

will

My

is

his

response to Rakowski's

happen to Poland?

—

these are the

question about his relationship with

small and abstract in comparison, yet no one

not a "news" subject. Whether Walesa speaks

clear

from

my

and Monsignor Jankowsky that

conversations with Father Dominik his relationship

with the Madonna,

indeed, Solidarity's relationship with her, has a great deal to do with the events unfolding in Poland.

How

to get to this level of discussion

LONGING FOR DARKNESS

294

be

will

now,

difficult

my

if

not impossible.

Still,

must

I

"Would Mr. Walesa speak about

hand.

try.

Finally

I

his relationship

and

Contrary to Jankowsky and Dominik's comments, Walesa

lets

raise

Solidarity's to the

me know

Madonna?"

immediately that his relationship with the Madonna

a

is

personal affair and has nothing to do with the movement. But they are priests, defensive.

Walesa

He

who

not believers or

"We

a politician.

is

The question puts him on many members who

points out that Solidarity has

belong to other

the are

faiths.

we

are very pluralistic in our organization and

are not

oriented by what religion you are or are not as far as trade unions are concerned. This

"The badge

I

is

a separate, private matter.

wear with her image was given

me

to

by Cardinal

Wyszynski during the Polish workers' pilgrimage to Jasna Gora.

was very happy because of

this

and

have worn

I

ever since.

it

I

a

It's

very long story and a complicated issue," he assures me, at the same

me know that he is not going to go into it. moment am disappointed. This "complicated

time letting

For a precisely

the

most

I

what

had wanted to hear him

I

internationally significant political

tury, a nonviolent revolution,

Poland

side of

it

Here

talk about.

issue" is

is

one of

movements of the cen-

and unbeknownst to most people out-

grew and survived

precisely because

and, because for many, though not everyone,

it

it

was nonviolent

had a

spiritual di-

mension. The Church provided a bulwark of freedom and has been a safe

harbor for

much

the arts, Solidarity, and

What

is

happening

tends far beyond I

its

of the underground press, the all

in

Poland

is

this

wave of freedom

nor Martin Luther King, political side

The

significance ex-

But Walesa

nor the Dalai Lama.

is

He

not Gandhi, stays

on the

of the intersection he occupies and only alludes to what

had hoped to explore. Yet on balance he

so.

its

know this, being here. Naively Madonna has something to do

that's building. Jr.,

intelligentsia,

resistance to the authorities.

tremendous,

borders, one can

want him to acknowledge that the

with

I

manner of

intersection of politics

and

religion

is

is

wise and correct to do

also occupied

by

fanatics.

Lech Walesa, Gdansk, Poland. (Author)

It is

a

dangerous place. With Poland's history of anti-Semitism, Walesa

and Solidarity follow a prudent course

in

keeping the relationship of

Madonna and Solidarity separate, so that Solidarity come too closely aligned with the Catholic Church. the

doesn't be-

"Poland cannot be understood without the issue of the cross and belief,"

he says now. "Many times, especially

in very difficult periods,

Poland was saved by the Church and the Polish nation was better off because

it

was

a nation of believers.

and that makes people heroes. Sometimes led us to survive

—

We believe

much

in miracles

only a belief in miracles

especially at the very crucial points of our history

LONGING FOR DARKNESS

296

in the fight for

to help us

We

independence.

when something

go to the Madonna and beg her

very important for us."

is

Walesa gesticulates strongly with both hands

he

as

He's an

talks.

emphatic speaker. Clever, diplomatic, cheerful, so energetic that he has a quality today of nearly bursting.

and his

the

perestroika follow, his

words tumbling out words

More

questions about strikes

voice rising with feeling and excitement,

and

faster

faster.

Again and again

I

discern

for pluralism, revolution, reform, individualism, effective

economic reform.

I

don't need Polish to understand Solidarity's de-

mands.

"The

situation in Poland

he explains.

for strikes,"

particularly difficult, there

is

"We

are very

much

afraid.

been saved from explosions, but people's patience

is

So

but afterwards

is is

It

away overnight.

unknown.

We

a dangerous

His wife

all

were

is

the license

men were

numbers of the

at the press conference.

or

call

him

what we were doing. like," there

a plague.

"We

I

is

will

not go

anxious for us to

is

I

He

in the parking lot taking

tells

us he

tomorrow they

They

will

is

will

Tomasz and

afraid that they are

telephone him in

want to know who we were and

try to reassure him.

down

it.

u

Tell

them whatever you

Everyone becomes captive

feel sorry for

license plate in a

is

cars there, noting the time of

nothing for him to hide. The fear of the authorities

dan are caught up and on

in.

too have had

should

job, taking

may well,

worried about the long drive and he himself

the secret police and that

Warsaw

have

are not trying to take over the

entry and departure from the church's parking lot while I

It

We hope that our Madonna will help us to survive."

nervous because two strange

down

we

may go

moment. Our problems

After the press conference, Bogdan, our driver, leave.

far

strained.

not be possible for this situation to continue. The talks

government.

a climate

is

them," Tomasz

says.

is

in the dance.

"What

a terrible

numbers!" Suddenly Tomasz and Bog-

heated discussion in Polish that continues off

until well into the night.

WALESA'S PRAYER

297

Should one pay attention to the authorities or simply ignore them, regardless of their threats and posturing? Bogdan with three children. a run-in

He

is

subject to losing his livelihood

is

He many taxi drivers have become informants, who work the big hotels and airports. Not that

with the police.

the drivers

he has

evidently despises the authorities.

us that

tells

married, if

He

especially

they want

to be informants, but they are often required to report to the police in

exchange for their license to operate. So, to avoid being drawn

into this situation,

Bogdan

drives his taxi illegally and doesn't take

from the airport or the big

fares

this trip to

dollars

Being tracked

hotels.

Gdansk could endanger

But

his situation.

I

down from

had American

and could pay him good money. He hadn't counted on being

noticed by the police in Gdansk.

By the time we twilight.

There

is

like lace against

eat

Now

there

is

nothing to be done.

and drive out of Gdansk

for

Warsaw,

it's

a low-lying fog over the countryside, the trees look

the falling

Ground

light.

fog obscures the trunks and

the tops appear to float across the landscape above the ground as

we

hurtle past. It is

two hours now

nearly

discussion in Polish. to translate.

I

be surprised

if

don't

They

know what

from

is

I

Now

it is

I

I

is

at

any

down

a bicycle

at

at

looms

can.

they

Bogdan keeps

his eyes

excited, their voices louder,

came

lights

on the

more em-

on the road.

traveling at such high speed with the

in the headlights, at

then a tractor with no

20 kilometers while

100 with a truck coming toward us on the other

say the beads that I've I

wouldn't

each other with such intensity. Suddenly a

can't look. Leaning

fast as

moment and

I

Tomasz has leaned over the

shows up lumbering along the road

lights

bear

they are talking about.

completely dark. There are no

two of them going on

stops

so heated.

grow more and more anxious

villager

their

Tomasz no longer

his place in the back,

road, but the conversation phatic.

Tomasz and Bogdan began

Bogdan stopped the car

to blows, their discussion

front seat

since

are so passionate,

my

head back into the rear-window

unwound from my

we

side.

well,

wrist over and over as

LONGING FOR DARKNESS

298

we

Before

get into

Warsaw, the conversation

explains that their discussion

was

strictly philosophical,

not angry, they had different points of view as to in a

country

like

other, he says. as

Tomasz has been arguing

said. "If

—

is

what

I

to live

later recognized

acting as if one

they want to listen in on telephone

where you've been and with

To

is

to be the

mouse

is

free,

not.

refuse to be intimidated by the regime at

find out

hide

for

Solidarity's success

whether the government says so or he

they were

how one

Poland. They have learned something from each

one of the keys to

"One must

Tomasz

stops.

whom

to their cat.

—

calls,

let

costs,"

open your

them!

One must

all

Do

mail,

not hide.

simply step into

another world altogether and refuse to be afraid, regardless of threats. It is

the only

way

out."

The Mystery of the Messages llcJjucjorjc,

Moses and the Shepherd [God speaking

to Moses]

have given each being a separate and unique way of seeing

/

and knowing and saying that knowledge.

What seems wrong What

is

am

I

to

you

poison to one

apart from

is

is

right for him.

honey

all that.

to

someone

else.

.

.

.

Ways of worshipping

are not to be

ranked as better or worse than one another.

— Rumi On

Way

the

October It

to

Medjugorje

1988

was nearly midnight by the time

I

got back to Ewa's from Gdansk.

There was only time for three hours'

sleep,

then the waking up in

the dark to finish packing and be ready for a 5:00 a.m. taxi. sleep

1

I

would

on the plane to Yugoslavia.

My

was the

destination

Herzegovina, where

tiny village of Medjugorje, in western

Mary was reported

to be appearing daily to a

group of young people. The appearances had been occurring since 1981. I

hoped to meet one of the

Though two

zerland

I

had

first

visionaries

who had been

heard of the events

years earlier,

I

at

was not inclined to

seeing Mary.

Medjugorje in Switgo.

The

description

299

LONGING FOR DARKNESS

300

reminded

me

of afternoon movies of Lourdes and Fatima, shown by

the nuns in their heavy starched collars at Ursuline

when we were

thunderstorms

forced to stay inside. But after the

experiences in Poland and Texas, willing to look.

I

Time was running

young people no longer saw

six

Academy during

felt less biased,

out.

Two

more open and

of the original group of

her.

Janusz the taxi driver knocked softly on the apartment door precisely at five o'clock.

me which

tea for

I

was almost ready. Ewa poured

I

The bulging camera and recorder bag went over

me goodbye on each cheek, then once picked up my duffel and we were off.

kissed

Janusz

Janusz spoke a

my

shoulder;

You come back

"Rakowski

like before,

said, as

we

drove out the boulevard of linden

government

said the

is

saying,

is,

government

will talk

had

I

little

will

Not anarchy

not stand for

it."

available in Poland,

information about what's going on in the rest of the

Though

world.

is

with Walesa, but not

has the military.

There were no English-language newspapers so

maybe, but

to Poland.

government strong

he

Ewa

again, Polish-style;

trees to the airport, "the borders, Yugoslavia closed

to forget, the

cup of

English.

little

"Don't worry," he

okay.

a

hurriedly finished as Janusz gathered the luggage.

civil

war was rumored

in Yugoslavia, their

economy

had gotten a tremendous boost from pilgrims going to Medjugorje, over

million so

1 1

far.

Medjugorje would probably be one place

would continue

the country that people

matter what happened

On

to be able to get to,

no

politically.

the flight out of Frankfurt to Dubrovnik there were groups

of Western pilgrims going to Medjugorje with plastic

pinned to their clothes.

I

was

to get to Medjugorje nor

advance. friend

in

I

who

had the name of stayed with

to reach them.

full

had

I

of questions.

I

didn't

been able to reserve

name tags know how a room in

a family that takes in boarders

them two

years ago, but

I

from

a

had not been able

1

MESSAGES

THE

how

hoping to ask her

"No She

woman

introduced myself to a

I

leader,

States

—

We

German

me

that

I

accent, then laughs.

be able to get information

will

Dubrovnik.

stop in Budapest for nearly an hour.

ground away from the terminal and bottom of the

a tour

but she does not offer her name or any

information, instead telling at the airport in

me who was

behind

to get to Medjugorje from Dubrovnik.

English," she says in a thick

from the

is

30

steps,

I

am

The plane

sits

on the

allowed to stand at the

but can go no further.

An armed guard

stands

at the end of the gangplank, as in Poland. In the Eastern bloc, soldiers

have become an unobtrusive part of the landscape until like this. It I

moments

has been a long day of traveling and sitting, sitting,

need to go for a walk, but

sitting.

have no way to communicate, so

I

I

stay put.

The day

is

drowning out

all

noise.

that I'm homesick.

Frankfurt just as

was on it's

I

A

like to

was finding

By the time we land

A

in their sounds,

San Francisco was being called

my

my

gate for Yugoslavia.

I

fellow pilgrims reminds

wish that

me

flight

have befriended

waiting in the customs

line.

from the airport and the I

Dubrovnik, other pilgrims

me

and the sense of isolation has eased.

When

dollars will

The

leader

it's

is

friendly

is

while

no bus

wants $180 to drive me, if

I

now,

can pay

my way

yes, there

is

in

room.

airport,

I

ask the Yugoslavian guide

I show him the card with name of the family I was told to stay with and he begins laughing: his aunt whose name I have in my hand. She lives next door to

aboard the

discover that there

me

be enough.

As we pull away from the

how

I

local taxi driver

turn to the tour group and ask

their chartered bus.

Twenty

I

of what

it.

at the airport in

couple from Tennessee struck up a conversation with

one way,

in

be a stranger. Another pilgrimage has begun. Anonymity

and loneliness are part of

on the

me

stand buffeted on the bottom step, realizing

I

flight to

The coolness of

it.

wrap

mild, with high winds that

to find housing in the village.

— LONGING FOR DARKNESS

302

He

him.

group

me

will take

there himself once he has deposited the tour

at their respective houses.

We wind up the coast along the Adriatic Sea in the late afternoon There are palm

light.

hot pink and purple bougainvillea, wild

trees,

dark green cedars-of- Lebanon, lemon

olives, tall, thin

trees,

pink and

white oleanders, deep and leafy arbors overhung with grapevines in

homes overlooking the

front of

neady tended vegetable gardens

down

reach take

on

Sycamore

trees, pines, roses,

The limestone

line the drive.

hills

to the sea, the water turns pink, the limestone rocks

a pale rose

touched with the faintness of gold. The

light turns to a cool blue falling light

sea.

and

finally

of sunset. Only two

warm

darkens to red-purple in the

more hours

to Medjugorje.

From the bus after dark, the road still hugging the sea, I glimpse wooden fishing boat anchored out with a lantern hung from wooden pole over the water. A lone fisherman holds his line taut

a small a

in the translucent

lime green water that gleams like a glittering stone

inky sea.

in the

The

light in the

with hope.

We

water

is

radiant, seeing

it

inexplicably buoys

know who or what we are to one never know how he affected a passing

rarely

The fisherman

will

The

boat rocked gendy in the back of

light blue

into the last

low and light

moment

silvered

above the blue-black

A

priest traveling

bus

is

pearls

sea.

Beyond

his small circle

with the group leads everyone I

in the rosary.

am

tells

and the

lives

history of the apparitions at Medjugorje

known

of

village. Light.

pilgrims again. Dragan, the Yugoslavian guide,

first

moon hung

were strung along the shore

quiet but for the chanting of prayers and

Mary

stranger.

mind, floating

of dusk as the thinnest crescent

was only the dark. Gray

wherever there was a

my

me

another.

appeared to

as Apparition Hill

six

— on

The

glad to be with

us a

little

of the

of the visionaries.

peasant children on Podbrdo Hill

June 24, 1981. She has continued to

appear daily since then to them, though

now

only four

still

see her.

MESSAGES

THE Two

303

have received whatever messages she was to give them and have

gone on with their

lives.

Four continue to see her, every day,

at least

once, at 5:40 p.m. sharp, in the choir loft of the village church.

Witska, one of the visionaries, says that the basic message pray,

more and more. Dragan

He

families are, in his eyes, legitimate.

known

has

is

to

assures us that the visionaries and their

too

from Medjugorje and

is

the visionaries since childhood, long before Mary's ap-

pearance.

very hard

"It's a

gain involved.

The

coming from

are

knock on

life

they have," he

all

tells us;

"there

is

no material

no privacy whatsoever. People

visionaries have

over the world. Sometimes people don't even

walk into their homes to see them.

their door, they just

Please have consideration for them.

"Mary's appearance

may be

want something, they go to

mother goes

trouble, their

cerned for

us.

The world

explained like

to them. She

is

in trouble.

is

this.

When

their mother.

our Mother, she

is

con-

We

must pray

listen to her." Is

in

children

She brings a message of love

and of hope. She asks for peace and reconciliation. and

When

children are in

Mary appearing

in

My mind

Pharping?

Medjugorje, balks.

I

is

Tara growing out of the rock

pray for an open heart and the

willingness to look.

my

The sky

is

my way

into the village to the church, three miles

gray, the air cool

staying with Dragan's aunt

The English

on

and her

speakers' mass

is

face the next

morning

as

make

I

from where

I

am

family.

going on

when

I

arrive at the

church, packed with over two thousand people. At least one thousand

more stand and kneel Services

go on

the mass

is

outside, following the service over loudspeakers.

in a variety of languages during the day. In the evening

in Croatian, the villagers' mass. Inside the

are standing

and

sitting

including the bare floor,

church, people

everywhere. Every inch of space

making

it

very difficult to move.

is

taken,

LONGING FOR DARKNESS

304

After mass I

am

told that

meet

go toward the parish house to

I

must speak with Father Slavko

Though Father Slavko

visionaries.

to

I

woman who

a

in,

woman who is

the gatekeeper; he decides

is

in the choir loft

not

I

one of the

priests.

in

order to meet the

am

fortunate enough

helps take care of Marija Pavlovic, another

of the visionaries as well as the Father Slavko

is

find

with the visionaries

Father Slavko's assistant.

who

when Mary

can and cannot be

appears at 5:40 p.m.

A handful of people, about ten, are allowed in with them each evening. am invited to meet Marija and told to come to her house by I

2:00 p.m. Marija's helper and fields,

walk a mile or so through the open

I

stopping to pick fresh tomatoes and peppers for Marija's supper.

When we

arrive, Marija

is

on the

front steps talking to at least

two hundred or so pilgrims who have gathered outside her house hear about the messages from Mary. There the crowd.

I

is

no way

to get through

decide to walk up Podbrdo Hill instead where Mary

appeared to the children, just behind Marija's house.

first

The

hill is

similar to the

one

walk

I

at

home, but

stops.

There

is

It

takes

how

often

rockier.

perhaps twenty minutes to reach the top, depending on

one

to

a constant stream of people going

up and down,

sharing the path with goats and an occasional vendor.

Within an hour living

room

me and

to wait.

I

am

back at Marija's.

she has gone out to pray with

questions about the

I've

been shown into the

Another group of pilgrims has arrived

Madonna,

goes on each day and

is

again.

just after

them and answer

people's

Meeting with groups of pilgrims

a large part of Marija's

life.

Dragan meant about the lack of privacy and the

I

glimpse what

difficulty

of their

lives.

Marija Pavlovic

is

a pleasant

young woman with an

easy,

good-

natured smile, despite the constant swirl of people around her. She is tall

and

thin,

with large

warm brown

eyes, short curly

and wears a pair of khaki slacks and blouse. She

home, comfortably and simply. Her of the apparitions. Another day,

I

lifestyle

lives in

brown

hair,

her family's

has not changed because

found her taking out the garbage

MESSAGES

THE

305

Her mother was tending the cow. Marija has not an

in a large pail.

ounce of pretension.

There are three or four others she asks kitchen.

in the living

me to wait. Two more people are A large, opulent woman from Rome

room with me where busy cooking

in the

the other end

sits at

of the couch from me. She wears rhinestone-studded eye glasses and

and rhinestone comb

a large tortoise-shell

The man

in the chair

mid- thirties,

In his

to be helpful in in the reality

who

hair.

a friendly

is

American, Terry

has been here over a dozen times.

with one of

whatever way he can.

his

He

young children, he

offers

an enthusiastic believer

is

of the Virgin's appearances at Medjugorje.

"Medjugorje

is

seventh trip here, I'd tell

visiting

me

next to

Colafrancesco, from Alabama,

her

in

a

if

new Bethlehem,

someone had

them they were

crazy.

said

But

if

this

and I'm beginning to understand what

you ask me. Even up to

what I'm about

is

my

to say to you,

my

fourteenth time here

really

going on, underneath

is

the surface.

"Medjugorje

is

down

going to go

Flood, with the Flight out of Egypt, It's

in history

with Noah and the

maybe even

the birth of Christ!

an event of that magnitude," he

tells

me

in his soft

Alabama

drawl.

"Mary's practically living here, she comes here every day. The fact that she's

coming and that

seven years

a strong

is

in the scriptures,

I

she's

message

been coming every day for over

in itself.

think that this age

is

Our

Lady's been so hidden

being given to Mary, this

is

her time." I

am

taken aback by the depth of his enthusiasm.

and can only respond with a long I

me

had to think back over

my

I

have no reply

"Hmmmm."

decision to

come

here.

What made

curious about Medjugorje was the ecumenical nature of Mary's

message. Brendan O'Reagan, a neurochemist working on a docu-

mentary

me

series for public television called

about

his trip to

"The Healing Mind,"

told

Medjugorje to examine medical records of cases

LONGING FOR DARKNESS

306

claimed to be "miraculous" healings. 2

one of the

visionaries, that finally

It

was Brendan's

piqued

talk

with Ivan,

my interest enough to come.

According to Brendan, Mary was calling people to

a life of the spirit,

not necessarily to become Catholics. Not only had the Yugoslavian

government been disturbed by the events

Many were put

Catholic Church. for

religions; further, there

all

at

Medjugorje, so had the

off by Mary's insistence

had been a

on respect

bitter controversy

between

the local bishop and the parish priests as to whether or not to believe the young people. I

asked Terry

understanding

—

His answer, like

if

what

I

had been told of Mary's message was

a call to a life

much

of what

of the I

spirit,

his

not to a specific religion.

was told and would

later learn

about

Medjugorje, was mixed. Yes and no.

A

Frenchman, Cyril Auboyneau,

sitting across the

room from

us,

man in his early years. He was very

joined in the conversation. Refined, witty, a slender

he had been

forties,

familiar at

Medjugorje.

village,

He

also

and often served

Franciscan priest

months

living in

Medjugorje for four

with the visionaries, the messages, and the ongoing events

who

spoke Croatian, the native tongue as a translator for Father

first

in the

Jozo Zavko, the

believed the children and spent eighteen

in a Yugoslavian prison for

doing

so.

Despite the orders of

the authorities, Father Jozo refused to close the church to the thou-

sands of people

who

immediately began streaming to Medjugorje.

Civil authorities feared revolutionary plots,

church authorities feared

challenges to power.

While we waited the messages of

he

felt

for Marija, Terry

Mary

at

and Cyril told

me more

about

Medjugorje. Cyril reviewed the ones that

were the most important.

The conversation reminded me of some of

the talks with Tibetan

lamas and friends in Buddhist practice. Mary's existence, the Tibetan deities, was spoken of with as

much

confidence as

have in our perception of the person sitting next to question about their reality.

like that

us.

There

is

Both Mary and Jesus were included

of

we no in

MESSAGES

THE

307

conversations at Medjugorje as though they were relatives coming to visit,

who had just stepped into the next room. who believe, the kind of intellectual distance

or someone

For those

might hold does not

exist.

the experience of being in pilgrims in Poland. This

I

like

Kathmandu or Dharamsala, or being with

the landscape of belief.

is

that

Being in Medjugorje was something

I

enjoyed the stories

people told, their complete confidence in Mary, whether

I

could share

their devotion or not.

"The main message

to pray, pray, pray," Cyril assured me,

is

"pray to be enlightened by the Holy of the Holy Spirit, for

Spirit,

when you have

pray for an outpouring

the Holy Spirit, you have

everything.

"Perhaps her most important message up to

"was given

tinued,

and say the rosary every day; erably

this time,"

he con-

August 1984. Our Lady asked that people pray

in

fast

on Wednesdays and

Fridays, pref-

on bread and water; read the Bible every day and meditate;

don't just attend the mass, live the mystery of the Redemption.

These are This

Our Lady

five things

where

is

I

Live the mystery of the mass, live

it.

And go

to confession once a

month.

asks of us."

get confused about Medjugorje.

It

sounds

as

though one has to be a Catholic to respond to Mary's messages.

When

I

asked Cyril about

the wisest reply,

come

this,

he gave

"The messages

me what

I

later realized

One must

are a mystery.

was

pray to

to understand them."

Prayer, fasting,

and reconciliation are

traditional spiritual practices

widely used throughout the world, not limited by easily grasp.

Perhaps

it

is

belief.

This

the language of the Church of

which the messages come clothed that puts

me

off,

I

could

Rome

in

not the messages

themselves.

"Our Lady wants

us to pray as a family and to read the Bible

every day," Cyril said. "She wants us to have togetherness in prayer

and communion, brotherhood, and sages have

love. Since July 1986,

been about holiness. She said that

we

cannot

many mes-

live

without

LONGING FPU DARKNESS

308

holiness. Holiness all

means to overcome

with

difficulties

love.

with love, to overcome

sin

all

God

She said that

has given us the gift of

holiness.

"In 1987,

Our Lady

talked to the visionaries about saving the

world through Medjugorje. She encouraged them to pray more to understand God's plan to use them as a tool to save the world." Central to the idea of saving the world

on the verge of destruction. There Medjugorje that gives

me

pause.

I

is

the premise that

it is

an apocalyptic overtone at

is

wanted to ask more about

this

but now Marija has time to talk. Just as we sit down at the table a woman walks up slowly to the doorway, accompanied by friends who

They

help her stand just inside.

are very excited. She wants to

tell

Marija the story of her healing, 'it was a miracle!" they exclaim.

Can

please wait a

I

little

We

longer?

draw

chairs

her

forties.

around the table

to listen.

She

a

is

woman named

glasses, taking

them

Nada,

off as she sits

and complications from

disease

in

down. Through

She wears dark a

combination of

a serious car accident, she

confined to a wheelchair, unable to walk, for nearly the years of her

She

in the

a

life.

her story in a simple, moving way. Her hands shake as

tells

she speaks.

Her

healing has only just happened yesterday. She was

church, at mass,

wheelchair here

who

when will

the priest said, "There

now

Is

tells this story.

this a miracle,

illness

psychosomatic? There

There

is

less

tell

I

feet.

feel a

She

rises to

or the power of suggestion? is

in

her

feet,

surge of excitement as she

no way to know which,

us that no one could believe that

walking to the

altar.

the church began to weep. just

someone

if

Was any,

her it is.

no objective context.

They

much

is

stand up and walk."

Suddenly she found herself on her trembling as she stands up.

had been

last fifteen

Her family and

Today

gone up Podbrdo, Apparition

here to Marija's house.

Her

face

is

is

her

Nada was

first real

Hill, to

flushed.

standing,

friends with her in

"walk." She has

the top and back

down

MESSAGES

THE By the time Nada

finishes her story

309

too late to speak with

it is

We

Marija. She needs to rest briefly before the afternoon apparition.

put off our talk again until tomorrow.

1988

October 16,

The weather blue.

is

a crisp, clear, cool

Women in elaborate traditional black and white Croatian ethnic Sunday mass, weaving

dress arrive for tourists

and peasants

up Podbrdo like

The sky

beautiful this morning.

is

and out of the crowds of

in their simpler dress.

with only

Hill

in

the other pilgrims.

I

my

am

I

determined to walk

rosary and candles to leave burning

will take

no camera

for photographs,

no

money for gifts along the way; no decisions to make. I am exhilarated! The soil is deep red in this rocky limestone country. The older houses are fitted together of cream-colored limestone rocks, the

newer ones are whitewashed and of simpler construction. Shiny yellow squashes and ochre pumpkins

peppers are ripe glory vines

—

now

lie in

the

fields;

green and red

for picking. Grapevines, climber roses,

pink and blue flowered

here and there in scattered

—

The paths

fields.

morning

Cows low, tethered worn by peasants and

abound.

pilgrims are shot through with the white of limestone polished by

brown

footsteps breaking through the dark soil.

Just before

carrying a large

On

the

reach the bottom of the

I

round pan

hill,

I

and leave

I

bow low,

do

cross placed

first

bow

my

low,

where Mary

head to the earth,

some

find a place

on

burning,

it

hill,

I

wooden

stop again,

on a rockpile covered with hundreds

some melted down, the rock blackened.

a suitable rock to

Hundreds of people softly,

At the top of the

for a blessing.

still

first

light a

burning on the pile of rocks with other candles.

light a candle, placing

of candles,

woman

pass a

write the names of family and friends on the back of the

cross as others

I

it

I

hill,

of uncooked bread dough in her hands.

stop at the

I

appeared to the children. candle,

full

brick red, cosmic red

mill about

sometimes not speaking

at

sit

on

all.

down and be this

rocky

quiet.

hillside,

speaking

Instinctively people leave each

LONGING FOR DARKNESS

310

Some

other alone.

some

kneel in prayer, others

are weeping,

arrives at the top huffing

mood

with their eyes closed,

some stand looking out over

simply stare. Occasionally someone

the reflective

sit

is

and talking

the valley, others

insensitive to the

is

at the

mood and

top of their voice, but

Cam-

inescapable and soon they too are quiet.

eras click

and whirr,

come and

go, helping each other along the rocky way: elderly people,

Some

people with canes. crutches. Goats

wax runs

all

burnings.

It is

church, the I

different languages drift across the

are crippled, but

still

they

wander up and down, looking

peaceful

fields

on Podbrdo

come with

for garbage.

many blackened and

over the rocks,

People

air.

their

Candle

charred from the

overlooking the valley, the

Hill,

of vegetables, grapes, and tobacco.

have been granted permission to be in the choir

visionaries this evening

when

the apparition appears.

judgments and defenses be removed, that

I

am

I

loft

with the

pray that

all

able simply to be

present.

Many

moved by Medjugorje; some describe hill remember the comerso, the heart- turning experience had with Chos Kyi Nyima may not become in Nepal after my first Tara initiation. And though it

as a

people are profoundly

conversion experience. Sitting on top of this

I

I

I

a convert as

some do

at

Medjugorje,

I

have had similar enough

experiences to have an abiding respect for people's feelings here.

Overlooking a

this valley, thinking

prayer to Tara which

form

I

love.

a person needs her to

3

In

it

assume

about Mary and Tara,

she in

True compassion. Buddha Tara, indeed emanate

in billions

suit the person.

form that

is

is

said to

come

all

From

possible,

the

can say that Mary

isn't

useful and recognizable to the West?

is

necessary to

Tara appearing

he assured me. "If there is

is

a person

in a

When the Venerable we spoke

the Buddhist perspective, one cannot say that this

Madonna

recall

the Buddhas, are said to

Tara Tulku came to Green Gulch a few months ago, this.

I

whatever

order for her to be helpful.

of forms, taking whatever form

Who

in

who

of

isn't

says definitely no,

not an emanation of Tara, then that person has not

understood the teachings of the Buddha." Christ could be an ema-

MESSAGES

THE nation of the Buddha. to say that

me

Mary

I

am

comforted remembering

Tara or that Christ

is

way

a different context, another

me

Such thinking gives

This

this.

not

is

Buddha. Buddhism gives

is

to reflect

upon

this experience.

room, provides spaciousness.

I

draw no

conclusions.

Whether Mary

appearing in the choir

is

Tara, whether anything or anyone

Some

be known.

know on all

only that sitting

my

—

think

face,

I

am

I

actually appearing,

is

and dismiss

fabrication

here on

afternoon or

on

this hilltop

it

may never

altogether.

a rock, the

sun

— whether we

I

warm

comforted by the outrageous notion underneath

that heaven cares

When

it's

loft this

it

understand, believe, or not.

come down from Podbrdo

Hill,

I

young

see the

woman

with the round bread pan again, returning from a neighbor's where

been baking. The odor of freshly baked bread sweetens the

she's as

we I

air

pass.

go back to Marija's

as planned,

many

but there are too

pilgrims

outside clamoring to see her today. She cannot talk now. People have

come from many of

the neighboring towns and villages for Sunday

mass, as well as the usual crush of tourists from around the world to see the visionaries.

go off alone into the

We

fields

make

plans for

tomorrow morning and

and vineyards, Marija to her room to

I

rest

before the apparition. Birds warble cheerfully, crickets sing in the grass, children's voices float across

the

field,

cows low,

there's a faint

the distance and a rumble of cars, but in the

and

sit

middle of

this vineyard.

down under

by the belltower,

in

I

a large oak. In an

hour

I

have to be at the church,

want

to

sit

There I

is little

want to do

and do nothing.

I

time to

rest.

I

a watercolor of

must remember

allow twenty mintes to get to the church from the

to

fields; that leaves

twenty minutes to rest and twenty minutes to paint. I

a radio in

peaceful here out

order to meet Father Slavko and to be admitted

could have slept for a good two hours. I

sound of

it is

spread out a poncho on the ground

to the choir loft with the visionaries.

this vineyard.

mosdy

I

set

begin to feel frantic. Tension races up the back of

my alarm. my neck,

LONGING FOR DARKNESS

312

my

lower back pangs and tightens,

This

is

way

not the

Take refuge

The grapevines

them on

am

I

can rarely,

in front

satisfying pleasure.

mix

am

I

behind them

light

my watercolors and begin to paint.

colors like the ones in front of me.

match

ever,

warm weather and do nothing.

of me are turning red, the

pull out

I

lost in trying to if

breath.

moment.

quiedy in the mild

sit

Then

fire.

I

I

my

to prepare for the apparition. Stop. Take a breath.

in the present

For a while

catch myself holding

I

a color, this effort gives

me

a

sets

Soon

Though

deep and

happily defeated by trying to paint a tiny faint

gold line around the edge of the burnished copper red, brown, and vermilion leaves, backlit by the sun. don't mind.

lie

I

back and give

At 4:45 p.m. sharp,

I

outside the apparition

inside the

room— choir

the stairwell saying a rosary and

go

signals us to

in

alternately praying I

and take our

I

at the

church

men

places.

Now

I

am

are standing in

I

can. loft,

chairs. Ivan Dragicevic,

another of the visionaries,

one end of the room, the folding sits in

wearing black slacks, a checked sports coat, and black time I've seen Ivan. clean-shaven,

looking young I

find a

man

brown

the doorway, tie.

He's an attractive, black-haired,

the fair-

in his early twenties.

leather kneeler to

to people inside the church below,

at all possible.

It is

medium-height-and-build, utterly normal-

sit

on next

to a

man who

filming for local television in Atlanta. Since the choir loft

ourselves visible.

someone

in the choir loft

in every detail that

Mary

first

I

white walls of the choir

the large painting of

skinned,

that

doorway to the choir

join them. Minutes later,

this picture, the

at

up

at the top of the stairs

Three

loft.

and mentally taking

want to memorize

a kind of giving

weariness to the ground.

meet Father Slavko

By 5:00 p.m. I'm

loft.

my

It is

We

we

is

is

visible

have been asked not to make

are told not to stand

up or

to walk upright

if

One must hunker down and move quickly from position

MESSAGES

THE to position.

We speak in whispers. The cameraman and

where we

to

more

be

this

at

and nods,

dark."

cameraman switched on

I

dig into

yes,

still

a

I

my

try to

me

leans over fast,"

when

and

the visionaries

suitable,

and

at the

painting of Mary.

all

come

reload.

won't

he glances

How much

time

calm myself again and focus on breathing.

same time,

He

speed of

in. It

roll that

few minutes before the apparition

The cameraman and

I

Mary

will start.

Being

to appear seems very

perfectly natural.

up

are

in front

by a chest below the

explains that the half-dozen large plastic bags

next to the chest are

sitting

me what

and asks

he informs me, "won't work.

in a choir loft in Yugoslavia waiting for

strange,

is

to photograph the vision-

camera bag, hold up a

would be

it

have? Done.

I

There are

and pray.

nervously check the camera, get a light

I

have in the camera. "Too

All the lights are

do

visionaries will kneel

relaxed. Father Slavko has asked

I

motioned

from Atlanta has been in the choir loft before and

reading, then the film

are

apparition appears in front of the

which the

during the apparition.

aries

The

feet away.

painting of Mary, before

The man

I

be facing the visionaries as they pray, off to one

will

maybe ten

side,

313

of petitions to Mary from people

full

over the world. There are two plastic rose bushes on the chest,

some slighdy dust-covered pink and blue

more

little piles

silk imitation flowers,

and

of letters of petition.

"Quick," the cameraman advises, "if you have any pictures of your family with you, write a prayer for that person on the back of their picture

when out.

and put

it

on the

table with the other petitions."

always carry a packet of pictures of family, friends, and teachers

I

I

There may be thirty pictures.

who's there and to think of what is

no time to go through the

my of my

on the backs of a

camera bag, side pocket.

travel; luckily it's in the

group shot

forty people at once.

I

I

quickly

would wish

entire stack.

children's

I

pull

I

it

thumb through

to see

for that person.

There

scrawl something quickly

and husband's photos. Luckily

I

find

entire family in Texas; that takes care of about

Would my

friends? Definitely Father

brother laugh at

Dominik.

What

me

or care?

Which

about the pictures of

my

LONGING FOR DARKNESS

314

Tibetan teachers and the Dalai Lama?

them

all

back

in the

pouch

with every one of them in

on the

it

No

time for decisions.

they're carried in chest, just

I

put

and put the pouch

under where

I

calculate

Mary's feet will be.

Below us people

church are saying the rosary, people

inside the

One

outside are saying the rosary.

"Personally Yours."

corner of the stairwell,

in the

plastic

bag

full

of prayers says

Through the doorway stacked over

piled full of more petitions.

high

six feet

see extra-large gray garbage bags

I

Camera

flashes are

going off below. There

are perhaps ten of us in the fading light of the choir

loft. It's

nearly

time.

Suddenly the Ivan are the only

lights are

two

switched on. Marija walks

visionaries

who

will

in.

be in the choir

She and loft this

afternoon. Marija wears a blue and white-striped sweater and a blue skirt.

Looking neither

left

nor

right,

they go directly to their places

down on the floor, and begin to pray. down with them. The television camera

in front of the painting, kneel

Those of us whirrs

in the loft kneel

softly.

Marija and Ivan are praying out loud at

them, then

I

feel a

first, softly,

clammy heat sweep through me and

I

I

can hear

no longer

hear them. They are looking up, intendy, at what appears to be the

same spot

in the air.

Then

their lips stop moving.

They nod

their

heads as though indicating that they understand something that's just

been said to them. Ivan seems to ask a question, but no words are uttered out loud. Marija nods.

want I

to be distracted.

I

Something

take a picture quickly, but don't clearly has

come over them, though

cannot see or even sense anything of what

In this

moment

present for thanks.

I

I

— and my

very close to

—

down on

a remarkable event,

the floor next to

and

I

I

am give

me and bow

forehead to the floor out of respect, then kneel

quiedy with them until the apparition later.

going on for them.

have no doubt that they are seeing Mary.

put the camera

low, touching

is

Then they make

is

over, perhaps five minutes

the sign of the cross, stand up, return to

themselves and begin to leave.

MESSAGES

THE

315

Marija and Ivan stand by the doorway talking

softly.

around to just behind where they were kneeling to take

A

the painting of Mary.

put

my hand on

am

suddenly aware of

Then the must

leave.

I

his

how happy

I

a very large

others to go

crowd

waiting.

We

first.

Now

for a glimpse of Marija

them.

took

It

this intense

am

mv

and

through the crowd

a gauntlet of people ten

in I

moments and can

sit

and

touch

live

with

talk.

I

The moon

looking around for an

collect myself.

But before

with

me comes

in the loft

have no words for the experience and

them now. They

will

come

later.

know

Now

rises to the

burns on the cross-topped

it

feels like

an age has

south over Krizevac Hill where a

hill.

Church

fire

people stand in

bells peal,

around the building walkway for confessions being heard

Italian, English,

Croatian, French, and German.

on the grass

respectful distance

a

it

talk.

only six o'clock in the evening and

It's

Marija and Ivan wanted

people long. They were waiting

down, one of the men who was

important not to

line all

why

breath away to think that the visionaries

over and wants to

passed.

turn comes to walk out. There see

focus day after day, year after year.

better than to try to find is

fifty

into the early evening.

first

Ivan, or better yet, a chance to

empty spot on the lawn where sit

I

out

must walk through

deep on either side and over

can

we

bag, take the packet of pho-

into line to descend the spiral metal

file

who were with them in the loft file am caught off guard when my

I

I

joyful.

turned off and Ivan signals to us that

my

I

well and

all is

of the tower. Ivan and Marija step aside, letting those of us

stairs

I

and

feel, light

I

camera into

tographs off the chest, and

is

there openly weeping.

sits

shoulder to reassure him that

lights are

zip the

man

Japanese

move

I

a picture of

away and

I

spread

sit

my

in

shawl

down with

this

experience. I

was

in front

the apparition. guileless

be Mary?

I

of Marija and Ivan the whole time thev were seeing

watched them

closely

from the

start.

Marija

and strong. Yes, they seem to see something, why can't

What may seem

far-fetched to

many seems

possible to

is

it

me.

LONGING FOR DARKNESS

316

I

am

grateful to have

been allowed into the presence of the

Mother of God, or God the Mother,

as

always in this presence. Only rarely do

we

think of her, but

I

we become aware

of

are

it.

Now all around the church the doors are opened and mass begins. Crowds

out onto the walk. People sing the mass in Croatian,

spill

haunting harmonies of Eastern Europe. Outside,

the unfamiliar,

confessions continue whispered, the penitent kneeling on

walkway

stones next to priests sitting in folding chairs. Sins float and vanish into the thin night

air.

The next morning when as planned. Sitting at

I

go to

Marija's,

one end of

we

are finally able to

meet

a long dining table, Marija peels a

tangerine, offering the translator, Nives Jelich,

and

I

each a section.

Marija has on a turquoise blue sweatshirt and a polka-dot apron over

her

Her mother stands

skirt.

more people

sit

in the adjoining kitchen cooking; three

on the couch waiting to see

guide, pops his head in the door:

moment

to pray with his

would Marija come outside

is

for a

group of pilgrims? The phone

rings for

moment, then puts her

tangerine

Marija. She takes the call, talks for a

down and

Marija. Dragan, the tour

politely excuses herself to

easy in the midst of a constant

go pray with the

commotion

that

I

pilgrims. She

imagine would

have broken many. The calm and cheerfulness with which Marija lives in this daily intensity

that

whatever

is

is

perhaps the strongest evidence to

going on with her

is

authentic.

been occurring daily for over seven years

We

resume talking again

Marija what

She

is

is

The

me

apparitions have

at this point.

after the pilgrims have

left.

I

asked

important for people to understand about Medjugorje.

soft-spoken but animated.

"Fasting, prayer, peace, conversion,

message of what

Our Lady

wants," she

and mass says.

—

this

is

the main

MESSAGES

THE

'The strongest connection with our Lord

Our Lady

317

through the mass.

is

very emphatic that the center of our

is

life is

the holy

mass." "But, Marija,"

I

ask,

"what about people of other

faiths?"

"Our Lady said that she is the Mother of all children and other faiths come here. We are not in a position of separating them. She is

inviting everyone.

or not.

.

.

not at mass, but she

who

Nives,

of knowing choice,

come

We

have free

if

is

up

will. It is

She's not saying that your faith

.

is

to us

we want

if

it

not good because you're

giving us a chance to have the best."

translates for us,

"best" was

is

a devout Catholic.

have no way

I

Mary's word, Marija's word, or Nives'

and no way to find out. Over the

last

two

days, people

to Medjugorje often have said that there are five

who

main elements

or principles in the messages. (These are separate from the five

Mary that Cyril explained the first day at Marija's.) I move on and review the list which I had been told Mary

requests of

decide to

had

articulated.

"Marija, did

Mary

say that

'God did not create division

"God

'God did not create

in religion,'

which

is

religion,'

it?"

or that

ask.

I

did not divide people into different religions,

He meant

for us to be one," she replies.

"Now which one? We should ask that," Nives interjects pointedly. "Let me ask her about the second principle, Nives, as understood I

it.

'Whatever

gift

of

faith

self.' Is this

"Our Lady

people have, they should practice with a complete correct, Marija?"

didn't say that," she begins to

tell

me, then she and

Nives talk between themselves in Croatian. "I

was told that Ivan

said that, to a

him direcdy. Several people have saying that

is

told

man

know who spoke with me this. What is Our Lady I

giving people this idea?"

"She doesn't remember that," Nives explains. I

go on. "The third one,

down on people

of other

'It

faiths.'

is

"

the fault of Christians to look

'

LONGING FOR DARKNESS

318

"Yes, that

is

Our Lady

correct.

down on I

am

story of

other

being.

We

Mary

inquired as

we must

must not look

faiths.'

relieved to have understood this correcdy.

their village

Mary

She said that

said that.

human

respect everyone as a person, as a

telling the visionaries that there

whom they should seek to whom this might be, was

identified, Pasha,

was

more

had heard the

woman in When they the woman

a holy like.

4

to their surprise,

a Muslim.

"The fourth one: God works

in different religions,

but not every

same amount of grace?"

religion has the

"Our Lady

to be

I

didn't say that. That's

what the

Our Lady

decided in reflection from what

concluded as a group that the Catholic

visionaries as a

group

has been saying.

They

most grace

faith has the

available."

Given that they're

good

know

to

that

all

Mary

Catholic, this

visionaries' interpretation of a series

"The

principle

fifth

was

that

appearing in a Catholic Church.

The answer can't

tell.

that the

is

unclear.

I

as

no

surprise.

Was

it

It is

was the

of her messages, not her words.

was no accident

What

that

Mary

the translation or the question?

it

is

can Marija say about this?" I

Marija goes off on what seems to be a tangent, explaining

Muslims don't

reject Mary's appearance here because they

have had an apparition of Mary

whom

comes

didn't say this herself, that this

Our Lady

as the

Mother of Jesus

they consider a prophet.

move on

to the secrets. This

Medjugorje that

I

can

is

the side to the messages of

least appreciate: the ten secrets.

visionaries will receive ten secrets from Mary,

it is

Each of the

said.

Once they

have received them, they will stop having the apparitions, except for perhaps once a year. This has been true for two of the visionaries so

far.

The is

to

litde

come

if

I

know about

the secrets concerns the future and what

people don't heed Mary's requests for prayer,

and conversion,

as

it's

fasting,

often called.

The apocalyptic overtones of

earlier

Marian apparitions are

es-

"

MESSAGES

THE

3|9

pecially strong at Medjugorje. Mirjana Dragicevic,

who no

aries

longer sees

the Madonna, was

one of the vision-

told the tenth

on Christmas Day, 1982, according to Mary

secret

Some months

and

last

Craig's account.

later,

The world would be given

she was deeply pessimistic.

three

warnings, in the form of three dire events, before the visible

would appear; and three days before the first warning, its imminence to a priest of her choice. The short intervals between the three warnings would be, she sign

Mirjana would announce

said,

u

a period of grace," but

if,

once the great sign appeared,

the world did not turn to God, the punishment would come.

There was no use expecting the whole world to be converted, she conceded, but prayer could alleviate the extent of ishment.

The seventh

"the eighth secret for

it

to be

to get

it

made

is

secret

Every day

I

might be averted. But then she told

it

was even worse. As for the tenth, it.

It will

happen.

it.

me

Madonna

lives to

begged

it is

if

everyone prayed

the ninth secret and terrible,

and nothing

s

The only preparation people could make would be had to give their

I

beseeched the Madonna

mitigated, and at last she said that

it

can alter

pun-

had already been annulled. But:

worse than the seven before

less severe.

its

spiritual,

they

God, Mirjana told her interviewer. The

told her that this

was the

last

time she or Christ would

appear on earth. There would be no more apparitions after Medjugorje.

"Marija, there that

we

if

is

will all

be destroyed.

Mary threatening us "I

an apocalyptic tone to Medjugorje, an implication

the world doesn't respond to Mary's messages and requests, I

find

it

hard to imagine a loving

God and

like that.

thought Mary's message was to have peace in our hearts, to

bring peace into our families and into the world, that the emphasis

was on being peaceful and

joyful.

the destruction of the world?"

How

does that

fit

in

with hints of

LONGING FOR DARKNESS

320

"Our Lady

Our Lord

"God

We make the

and

fast,

God

the

is

will

even stop the wars.

us,

he doesn't want to

and peace to help

gives us love

destroy us.

and prayer

said that fasting

choice.

Our Lady

of love.

not because of her. She loves

has

come

us, she

asking us to pray

wants us to be joyous,

she wants us to be happy. She wants us to have the

coming because she loves reads this find that

Our

talk

is

us,

but

Our Lady

is

it's

May

our choice.

Spirit.

She's

everyone

who

our Mother."

cut short by the arrival of another group of pilgrims,

wanting to see Marija. Soon

I

must

leave to

meet Father

Jozo. Marija

once again to pray with the pilgrims and answer ques-

steps outside tions.

I'm

still full

who

a friend

of questions.

woman close to Marija, much of the last few years.

speak with a

I

has been with her through

She asked not to be named. Marija's friend's explanation of the messages was broader. She was a Westerner, a native English speaker,

who had

spent a significant

amount of time

traveling abroad

and had

Medjugorje years ago.

We

stood in the kitchen talking while Marija was outside with the

pil-

home

lived in Asia before finding her

in

grims.

"Our Lady Jesus

of

is

All,'

and

this

back to the to read the

companion

told

Good News gospel many

me

that

Mary

is

teaching the visionaries

She wants people to turn

of the gospels. She has told the visionaries times.

Marija's friend said that the

way

the

word "conversion" was used

by the visionaries simply meant choosing God.

mean conversion

to a specific religion.

Christ because they associated

Church, but " 'Jesus is

to

Mother

on more than one occasion."

a day-to-day basis to live the gospel.

light

way back

the Catholic Church. She did say that she was 'the

Marija's

oh

has never specifically said that our only

him with

Many

It

didn't necessarily

people were afraid of

Christianity or the Catholic

that's too limited a concept. is

the light of the world,' she said.

looking for Jesus,

is

Anyone looking

looking for the Christ,

is

for

looking for their

MESSAGES

THE God,

is

32|

looking for this contact with their God.

should worry about what they

don't think

I

we

find.

we make our ideas about God into a God becomes a problem. We think we

"People don't realize that

god and then Marija pilgrims for

of

this idea

know who God

and we don't."

is

moves

come and

some time

and out of the conversation

in

the kitchen as

prepare to go.

finally

I

and

go. Nives, Marija's friend,

me

in the kitchen. Marija gives I

more groups of

as

continue talking

I

from

a beautiful smile

take one

last

look at her

standing in the sunlight in front of her kitchen window, the light

framing her, and

I

leave.

Leaving Medjugorje,

Whether we this

live in

kind of thinking.

come, comes out of

I

on the apocalyptic undercurrent.

reflect

"the end days" or not, I

this

know

only

this

I

cannot sanely entertain

moment; what

present

present moment. Thich Nhat Hanh's phrase,

"take refuge in the present

moment," consoles me.

The simple aphorism "take what you need and releases is

me from

happening

at

will

imagining that

I

Medjugorje. As

different this experience has

I

leave I'm acutely aware of

been from

the sun in Medjugorje. There

is

leave the rest"

have to resolve or understand what

earlier ones.

how

People stare at

and more mention

talk of miracles

of Satan than I've heard in years. Yet the quiet flood of joy and

happiness that

I

experienced in the choir

that something true

loft

and good has happened

is

a clear indication

for

me

here.

Many

moments here have moved me. Of some I remain wary. After leaving Marija, I go to meet Father Jozo and to hear him speak at his nearby church. His words to

all

are

"Do

not

fear,

do

not be afraid." Even his physical presence, joyful and loving, conveys this

message.

The

secrets,

which sounded so

frightening,

I

had only read

of,

I

LONGING FOR DARKNESS

322

heard nothing about them firsthand. Marija confirmed nothing about

them of which

to be afraid,

proached with prayer," I

I

realized.

words, "the messages are a mystery, they must be ap-

Cyril's

I

took with

me

from Medjugorje.

thought back to the journeys that came before.

Poland

—

which

to

Madonna growing growing

in

I

was

originally

bark of

in the

me. Switzerland

—

drawn because of

stories of the

trees, only to find the

Madonna

the song of the monks' Salve Kegina

opened the door back into the overgrown, wild, walled-off garden

where her image stood untended and unwatered

in

my

heart.

Green

Tara planted in me.

Poland

—

the pilgrimage to Jasna Gora cut wide the swath through

the weeds, released a floodgate, let loose a stream of feeling that

courses through

Nepal

—

my

heart.

going to see the Tara growing in the rock at Pharping,

meeting Chos Kyi Nyima Rinpoche, Buddha Tara taking root breaking until

all

my

heart open with her

world

suffering in the

woman's body, they

said

body, chooses to be a

this

take

up the practice of

Texas

—

finding the political

it

is

vow

to have only a

on

me,

woman's body

ended. Becoming enlightened in a

couldn't be done.

woman.

Sisters,

Buddha Tara chooses

dance and beat the drum,

rejoicing.

flying to see the

Madonna of San Juan de

Mother of the Disappeared, Madre

los

Lagos,

de los Desaparecidos.

The

dimension of the Dark Madonna: Brenda Sanchez's

stories,

and

Vroyecto

Marian Strohmeyer's merciful house, Casa Libertad.

in

Finding the Sanctuary

de la Merced,

— "we —

Liberation theology,

Romero

in El Salvador, the

movement

a burning house, there are people inside"

the assassination of Archbishop Oscar

Maryknoll

sisters, forty

me. The murder of the

was yet to come. Back to Poland

thousand

civilians

six Jesuits, their

— Gdansk and

are locking the door

alone killed,

all

cut through

housekeeper, and her daughter

Walesa, the Black Madonna on

MESSAGES

THE The

his lapel.

river of

323

Mary coming up from underground

at Jasna

Gora; changing to cosmic red from intergalactic black. Struck by the the sky,

Madonna

in Texas, like a meteorite falling out of

didn't see her coming,

I

would take

me

I

didn't see that following Tara

back through Mary, would knock

me

off a solitary

path into the heat and controversy of community. The Madonnas de de los Guadalupe, de los Desaparecidos let the

los Lagos,

Mary

is

dark from entering

lives

on

The Indoeuropean root of the word later did the

Home

—

world

in.

Burned.

fire.

black

meant

gleaming, only

meaning darken. the Peace Project. Meeting for peace, pot-luck suppers,

and reciting Thich Nhat Hanh's Precepts for the Order of Interbeing. Again of the

we

ask ourselves

how

can

Diamond Sangha comes

reminds

us,

"Breathe."

we "be

peace"? Robert Aitken Roshi

to meditate with us,

sits

with

us,

Where

the Streams Cross California

Whoever wants

world

to paint the variegated

Let him never look straight up at the sun

Or he

will lose the

Only burning

memory of

him kneel down, lower

Let

And

things he has seen.

tears will stay in his eyes. his face to the grass,

look at light reflected by the ground.

There he will find everything we have

The

and

stars

lost:

and

the roses, the dusks

—

the dawns.

Czeslaw Milosz

1

Warsaw, 1943 Texas

Dallas,

May 1989 Circling.

Ever since

I

returned from Eastern Europe

great slow circle closing. In

My father

is

included

my

I

live

through the summer and that

our respects and say goodbye.

sense

some

grandfather's death.

family called from Texas mid-spring to say that

might not

to pay

it

He would

we

my

grand-

should

come

be ninety-eight in

August. I

called

how much

324

my

grandfather and asked him what he thought about

longer he was going to

live.

Should

we

wait and

come

WHERE THE STREAMS CROSS we come

August or should

for his birthday in

325

He thought "What month

before?

he'd live until August, he always had before, after

all.

this? Isn't it July?"

is

"No, Pop,

it's

April."

"Oh." Matthew, Madelon, Ben, and

week of May.

my

family,

It

has been years since

now grown, where we

go to see Pop, pack up where:

and though

easily tired,

I

if

he approves.

"No,

tell

I

had helped

a voice teacher,

over.

alert

still

like this,"

Now

I

am

I

me

more, so let

Madelon next

I

give the

— him now waving shouting"

as

learn

listen to

me

making

German him

sing

and

it

it

tell

over and

accent.

in Texas, singing.

it is

heart out for

sits

crying,

last line

him —

want

is

sits in

straining to listen.

"Bright Morning Stars

to cry, but it

I

want

up out of

fathers have

my grandfather,

air,

He

just the three of us in the

volume, bring

him, that's

were

I

— "Our

cane in the

Florence, always swore

we

it,

must

at his funeral,

it

My friend Marita Gunther,

hard of hearing, he

he marches past the gates of

After

as pleased as a child

is

to sing

that he

hymn.

to him,

hymn more

yes, that's his

is

my

— Madelon

myself move. The

He

want

I

standing in front of

sing loudly, singing

Are Rising"

We

she would say firmly, then singing a phrase.

Though he

front room.

We

and take him with us every-

lives.

him

"Again. For Grandfather," in her

his wheelchair,

with

and present.

a shape-note

It's

like this

to the countryside near the Brazos River

have learned a song for him.

but he won't be there so

me

have had time

I

Uncle Robert's house for dinner.

my mother now

where

in Dallas the last

Creek, past the former family home, to

my

him overnight down

to the farm

back

stay together for days visiting.

his wheelchair,

down by Hackberry

the cafeteria for lunch, to take

arrive

all

I

all

to sing

my

feet,

gone to heaven

Walter.

I

can see

shouting, "Wait, here

I

come!"

St.

Peter that

my

grandmother,

there.

return to Dallas, Ben asks Pop

how

he

feels

about dying.

"I'm not afraid, Ben, I'm ready. I'm glad you asked me. Ninety-

LONGING FOR DARKNESS

326

seven

am

a long time to live. I've enjoyed every

is

a

tired

little

read.

and

be ready

I'll

my

when

minute of

hearing's not so good.

the Lord

It's

it,

but

me

hard for

I

to

me.

calls

"I'm so happy you came to see me."

The afternoon we Sue's

—

sandwiches

for his nap.

It

we had

left,

—

then Pop got tired and went in to

was almost time to leave

The shades were drawn striped trousers off his coat

in his

and a dress

and shoes

shirt

for the airport.

room.

and

He was on

tie

after

me, Pop, and Ben.

down on We've come to he lay

I

my Aunt down

lie

went

inside.

dressed in his gray-

as always.

for his nap. Jaki, his nurse,

wool blanket over him "It's

lunch outside with Pop at

He had

had pulled

taken

a light

top of the covers. say goodbye."

He had

almost fallen asleep, but he roused himself.

"Oh, good," he don't think

I'll

see

said,

you

'it's

been such

Remember

again.

a

wonderful

that

I

visit.

Ben,

I

love you and take

good care of your mother." I

now

just

remember my hands on

his face, stroking his forehead,

My

so thin, the bones showing more.

115 pounds now, weighing

less

grandfather, shrinking, at

than me. Fading.

We

have said

goodbye many times before. I

is

push the hair back on

his forehead.

nothing more to say or do.

he'll

I

I

stand at his bedside. There

have already made him promise that

come back to haunt me, to give me a made it safely to the other side.

sign that will let

me know

that he

"Don't

forget, Pop,

I

love you,"

I

say as

I

lean

down and

kiss

him goodbye.

When

I

get back to California,

I

walk home the several miles from

Green Gulch Farm, up over Coyote Ridge. At Green Gulch, Yvonne

WHERE THE STREAMS CROSS

327

Rand had lectured on Death and Dying, her straightforward

how

to

from the long walk,

at

comfort. Yvonne, learning about the breath from the dying,

be with someone,

now

teaching me.

Hands numb, thighs and

home

had had

I

hand, wrote full

calfs tingling

get ready to bathe but see that

I

writing.

a

I

hand

left

covered with

is I

used

my

up with words while holding

filled it

it,

of wildflowers and a pen in

half undressed,

my

pen on the walk but no paper so

over

all

talk a

my

Now

right.

copy them down quickly,

sitting in

a

left fist-

my room

straight off the palm:

"blue-eyed grass, wild strawberry, blackberry vine, sage, lupine, poison oak everywhere, Indian paintbrush, orange hives, clatter

the

wind

—

moon,

—

six o'clock, pale in the sky."

name, Matt, with

whom

I

mean

Learning natural history

names of wild

—

soft

Then from up

"pale silvered grasses ripple in the wind, water

my

oldest son's

form of meditation,

reciting the

streaming." In the middle of the palm, squared,

a

flower, bee

in the pines along the ridge top, eucalyptus leaves

half a

thumb

left

monkey

world that without

my

a

is

things, a litany.

I

is

to talk.

say

them now

grandfather will be

to

ground myself

in

less familiar.

Santa Monica, California July

1989

Those

Circling.

who were

far,

The Dalai Lama comes

draw

near.

to Los Angeles to give the Kalachakra

initiation,

four days of teaching and ritual ceremonies for world peace.

Kalachakra

means the Great Wheel of Time.

monks

that

Sawas

arrive

United

As

met

I

in India again.

from Switzerland

for

I

see several of the Tibetan

Geshe Champa Lodro and Carol Geshe Rinpoche's

first visit

to the

States. I

walk along the beach during

learned to originally

summer

swim

in Santa

Monica

from Rochester,

in California

New

with her

a break,

at the age

I

remember

of h\c.

that

I

first

My grandmother,

York, would sometimes spend the

six children to avoid the fierceness

of

LONGING FOR DARKNESS

328

the Texas heat. At least once,

moved south,

was brought

I

along. Part of the family

some

to California before the turn of the century,

some to the north.

I

had forgotten that I have roots

to the

in California

too, not just Texas.

The in

Kalachakra

ceremony was nearly complete. Some of us stayed

and around the auditorium to watch the ceremonial disassembling

of the mandala that was to take place

now

that the full initiation

had been given. The Dalai Lama would return to the to

civic

auditorium

sweep the granules of colored sand from the mandala

monks by

would be taken by His Holiness and

into a

a

band of

car to a nearby inlet in the bay to be returned to

moving

container, then they

waters in the traditional way. I

stood by an open doorway and looked out onto the lawn. The

sight of a Native

American

against a gray wall caught

attention.

metal folding chair

The dark blue velveteen

turquoise necklace, wide pink headband around his gray hair,

shirt,

set

him apart from everyone

man, he looked

familiar, so familiar that

and a wide-woven red belt stocky, older to

sitting alone in a

my

him and

after excusing

myself and asking

if

I

else. I

might speak with

Thomas Banyacya?" "Yes," he said. He had come to pay his respects to Lama whom he'd met with on other occasions. Banyacya

him,

I

said,

The Hopis

A short,

walked up

"Aren't you

a special kinship

feel

understanding

is

similar,

the Dalai is

with the Tibetans, the

ceremonies are

similar,

a Hopi. spiritual

even certain words

and prophecies seem to be connected, Banyacya explained.

When

the Sixteenth Karmapa, the head of the Kargyu sect, one

of the four main schools of Tibetan Buddhism, came to the United States in

1

974, one of his stops was Hopi Land (Arizona) where he

met with Hopi

elders. Tibetans

to be interlinking prophecies.

and Hopis have what some consider

A

Tibetan prophecy from the tenth

"when the iron bird flies and horses run on wheels, the Dharma will come to the land of the red man." In a film of the Karmapa 's visit we are told that there is a corresponding Hopi century predicted that

WHERE THE STREAMS CROSS

329

come with red hats and reveal themselves to be the friends of the Hopi." The Venerable Dudjom Rinpoche, the now deceased head of Nvingmapa School, also met with Hopi prophecv that "men

will

:

elders in the 1970s.

Hopis do have

a

prophecv about someone,

nation, with red hats or red cloaks

me

as

we

busde of

person or even

a

a

come. Banvacva told

wavs to interpret the prophecies. Suddenly there was our conversation was cut short, the Dalai Lama

activity,

would soon

arrive.

I

went

inside.

turned back from the doorway. Banvacva was by himself again.

I

The

will

stood talking, but he was careful to point out that there

are different a

who

was painfully emblematic. Here thousands had gathered

sight

to

honor and hear the teachings of the most revered Tibetan teacher, the Dalai Lama, vet the elders of our interpreters like Banvacva,

we

ignore.

He

own

landscape, and their

sat alone,

I

sensed, to our

peril.

Standing in the auditorium doorwav,

it

occurred to

me

that we,

myself included, rush to aid the Tibetans in their struggle with the Chinese, not seeing that what the Chinese are doing to the Tibetans,

we have

already done to the Native Americans.

We've

killed then-

people, their languages, broken treaties, stolen lands, usurped them,

displaced them, imprisoned them, plied paying, unsafe jobs, verv

much

like

them with

alcohol,

low-

what the Chinese have done and

continue to do to the Tibetans.

One are

of the Dalai Lama's greatest concerns

making Tibet

dump and

a global sacrifice area. It's

is

game

is

as a

nuclear

being ruined, forests and minerals stripped,

depleted. Part oi the Dalai Lama's Five Point Peace Plan

to have Tibet established as a

tarized,

that the Chinese

launching pad for nuclear weapons bv the Chinese. The

Tibetan environment wild

is

being used

making

it

a giant global

zone of peace, completely demilipark between India and China.

The Four Corners area of the American Southwest

is

5

littered

with nuclear test grounds, radioactive wastes, strip mines and above-

LONGING FOR DARKNESS

330

ground radioactive mine

how much

no matter

tailings,

making

it

a "national sacrifice area,"

would be denied. The phrase

it

"national

was used by the National Academy of Science

sacrifice area"

determining that

this arid

land with so

little rainfall

has

after

little, if

any,

probability of being restored after strip-mining. 4

The

parallel

When a clearer

I

is

striking.

home

returned

I

stayed in touch with Banyacya to get

understanding of the significance of what he had told

me

during our brief meeting at the Kalachakra.

found that though there may be different ways to interpret the

I

prophecies, in 1948 there was one prophecy that the Hopi spiritual

"A gourd

leaders agreed upon:

would

that

When up so

that

kill

that the time

fall

out of the sky"

grow

crops.

event took place, the Hopi were obligated to speak

this

we

of ashes would

the earth and leave the land unable to

all,

the earth included, might

had come to make known

Indian world before

—

live.

In 1948, they decided

their prophecies to the

the prophecies implied

—

For Chief Sackmasa and the other leaders

it

was too

who met

in

non-

late.

1948 at

Shungopovy pueblo on Second Mesa, "the gourd of ashes" was the atomic at

bomb

that

Alamagordo,

had been dropped only three hundred miles away

New

Mexico, in 1945, and then used on Hiroshima

and Nagasaki. 5 In the

series of councils that followed, the spiritual

leaders came to agreement about the meaning of the prophecies and

how

they were to be presented to the outside world.

The prophecies warn us to turn, each in our

We

say.

we

against poisoning the earth

own way, back

own

our

to the Great Spirit, as the Hopis

are told that balance with the earth

will suffer the consequences. lives

and urge us

must be

restored, or

We must each begin today to purify

and the land around

us,

Banyacya told me.

Global warming, deteriorization of the ozone layer, polluted waters and lands, vanishing rain forests, acid rain, extinction of species,

the proliferation of radioactive waste, just to mention of few of

our modern horrors, these are but Western the Hopi prophecies long ago foretold.

scientific

terms for what

1

WHERE THE

T R

S

A M

E

CROSS

S

33

California

July 28,

1989

Two weeks

later at

home, there are

five statues

of Tara sitting on

offerings:

pyramids of green

crowded with

the dining-room table

apples, dark purple-black plums, pale peaches, braided breads, cookies all

on white

neatly stacked

statues,

and flowers. In front of her several

plates,

bouquets of fresh garden flowers

—

blue

yellow spider

iris,

pink and magenta carnations, deep purple and white gladiolas,

lilies,

lavender foxgloves, and red roses the table.

More

piano bench,

flowers

now

sit

—

on the

all spill

out of vases and

jars

floor in front of the hastily

on

draped

incorporated, into a temporary altar along with the

dining table.

The

living

room

is

full

of friends and family who've

and additional

itation cushions

that has in,

statues of Tara. She leaves

been blessed, the insides

"opened." The furniture

forming the living devotional

room

come

bringing

Yvonne Rand has brought twenty med-

the fresh fruits and flowers.

is

filled

me

one

with prayers, the eyes painted

moved back

against the wall, trans-

into a small meditation hall for a puja, a

ceremony and

offering to the

Buddha

Tara.

The Venerable Geshe Champa Lodro Rinpoche, my teacher from Switzerland, has come to visit. Carol Sawas and his niece accompany him

after the Kalachakra It

is

ceremony.

nearly three years since

Lodro Rinpoche telling the story

in Switzerland;

of Tara and

Geshe Rinpoche begins

why we make

how

I

met Carol and Geshe Champa

now

they

sit

in

my

living

room,

she became a Buddha.

in the traditional

Tibetan way to explain

prayers and offerings to Tara. "Everyone wants to be

happy, no one wants to suffer. In this way, no matter what our differences, I

sit

we

next to

are

all

my

husband Corey, while Anna, our two-and-a-half-

alike."

LONGING FOR DARKNESS

332

year-old friend from across the street, feet.

She

up

steals

from the

to the table

plates of offerings.

whether or not

what she

and takes sugar cookies, one I

at a time,

begin to be distracted, wondering

should try to stop her (her parents are seated off

I

but Geshe Rinpoche only glances at her,

in the opposite corner),

notices

thumping her

sits in his lap,

is

doing, smiles unperturbed, and continues talking.

"Many aeons ago, when Tara was the Princess Yeshe Dawa," he "she made great collections of merit and wisdom. Her name, Yeshe Dawa, means Wisdom Moon." Though had heard the story of her vow only to be enlightened in a woman's body many times, now it seems as though am hearing it for the first time. says,

I

I

The

my

having

my

fullness of this circle, this

root teacher staying in

children,

my

coming home,

my

me

husband, friends, and sang ha, gives

long arc back from around the globe to where in California,

this

by Green Gulch Farm, where

moved me

fragment of Tara's story that

roundness,

home, meeting and had

I

had

I

pause: this

set

first

blessing

out from

heard the

to set out for mountains

I

never reached. Friends from Green Gulch here tonight, reconnecting after long absence; I

now

after this long journey, out of

see into a darkness that

black

Rinpoche

is

always coming to us, can

asks.

'The Buddha Tara

man, sometimes

as a

as a

is

we come

coming to

this longing,

The root of

woman. She

Tara has the power to free

all

to her?"

us.

has

numerable forms, she sends out many emanations us.

all

light.

gleaming.

is

"Tara

comes

not separate from

is

Geshe

Sometimes she

many

forms, in-

order to help

in

beings from the world of suffering,

samsara.

"In India, she was

Great Fears. really

we make

lack of

known

especially for freeing us

Sometimes they are

from unlimited

end to her If

6

abilities to

called the Sixteen Fears, but

fears that she

can save

help us. Tara has the

not hers.

us.

There

power

prayers to her and get no result,

effort,

from the Eight

it is

is

no

it is

limit or

to grant anything.

only from our

own

White Tara. (Line drawing,

"Since Tara

is

artist

unknown)

Buddha, she

is

no greater accomplishments than If

we do

this,

and

if

we

best

we

hers.

We

have come to meet Tara.

take Refuge in her, then

find the happiness of liberation,"

We

completely enlightened. There are

he assures

we

can definitely

us.

begin the Twenty-one Praises, chanting them in Tibetan as can, repeating

them three

times.

7

Tara's eyes are like lightning, her face fashioned

from

a

hundred

— LONGING FOR DARKNESS

334

moons of autumn, gleaming

full

of a thousand

like the light

stamp of her foot and whole universes shake,

just to

stars.

A

remember her

beauty provides protection like armor.

Geshe Champa Lodro speaking or

Is it

warm

whole body grows

The concentration required

power

puja holds the

we

as

that

is

Tara teaching?

it

Am

tremendous. does for

it

is

My

repeat the praises again in Tibetan.

me

or

imagining that this

I

this the teaching

is

the dreaming, the calling forth of Tara. Bringing Tara to the West.

Buddha

Tara. If

Over on

his

we

call her,

a year ago,

desk which

I

I

made

she will surely come. a small second altar in

use now.

On

this little altar,

I

my

son's

room

placed a picture

of Green Tara that one of Geshe Rinpoche's students in Switzerland

me

had given

for

my

birthday.

Geshe Rinpoche, and

had spent the evening with Carol,

I

his students at the Yiga

Chozin Center

in

Zollikon.

Now

Geshe Champa Lodro

son in the

room where

Switzerland. visit,

that

my

It

made

I

and

recites prayers

blesses

my

oldest

the small altar for Green Tara from

had never occurred to

me

that he might

come

to

whole family would spend time with Geshe Rinpoche.

Just before he arrived,

I

had hung

a

photograph of Tibetan monks

over the bed. The 360-degree panoramic photograph

is

contemporary,

taken in the 1980s of monks from the Sera Monastery outside Lhasa. 8

There are two hundred monks pictured

in front

a monastery that once held six thousand. Sera

main monasteries

in Tibet.

of what remains of

was one of the four

When showed Geshe Rinpoche his room, I

he became very happy and pointed at the picture for us

all

to look.

Geshe Rinpoche had entered Sera Monastery when he was eight years old.

The

circle continues to close.

As

I

walk up to the top of the

hills in a

blaze of sunlight, the

WHERE THE STREAMS CROSS wind

high and chilled.

is

mv

and pull

One I

freezes as

soon

walk along the

tall

I

wrap

a scarf

watchcap down over as she sees

my

335

mv neck more Two deer graze

around

tightly

ears.

below.

me, the other continues to feed

Suddenly they turn and bound off into

hilltop.

stand of poison hemlock, where they blend

easily,

as

a

dun tan

the

of their coats with the dense growth of narrow, bamboo-like stalks, the dark interior of their ears the same height as the blackened,

dried-out flowers on top.

me

on

Poland's hold

is

mysterious. Like the patchwork landscape

of childhood, half-remembered, onlv the longing lingers clearlv.

As

I

walked,

I

thought about

make up

together to

this

the different streams that

all

come

being called Mary.

Poland was a river of Man', fed by hidden springs, some capped off long ago,

reduced to

dammed

a trickle

up, others

or

grown

now

stagnant, others

underground, feeding and swelling

which

I

swollen ready to burst; some

this

still

running strong

stream of the Mother from

could not get enough to drink.

I

wanted

to

go deeper.

I

hadn't sought the bodv of Christ but the bodv of Mary, her mys-

was the bodv

terious, dark, elusive, multifaceted form. This

to eat, the

the Bvzantrne Church, where the icon

sion of the deitv

of God.

Out of

earlv

itself,

Marv

the Bvzantine

at Jasna

also

Holy

Wisdom

is

Gora

is

Wisdom,

also associated

The Black Madonna

in

with

Sophia, WisSpirit to the

at Jasna Gora, our Lady

Mother of God and the black Artemis/Diana

that

.And before Artemis and Diana, the Dwpetes, "fallen

was worshipped

at

Wisdom,

as well.

Theotokos,

came before

down

her.

out of the

Ephesus. Ephesus was at the

Silk Road to China and the caravan route from West through the Parthian Empire. had stood in the

end of the the

Isis.

from the underground stream of Ephesus, the

sky," the meteorite,

Mother

great Hagia Sophia,

of Czestochowa, draws from the spring of Sophia,

Pouring

an expres-

the apex of Byzantine

an earlv name for the Mother, was the Holv

Jewish Christians.

is

the Theotokos,

Church came the

535) the Church of Holv

architecture.

dom,

needed

wine to drink.

Drawn from

(ca. A.D.

I

I

India to foothills

LONGING FOR DARKNESS

336

of the Himalayas at Dharamsala in northern India and looked west,

out over the plains that Alexander the Great had crossed. The lines

between East and West,

left

over in

my mind from schoolroom maps,

cracked. There was dynamic interchange between Alexandria and India in the ancient world.

Could Tara and Mary's streams have crossed? Look

with Tara in the area between ancient Persia and

a possible link

Lindegger wrote.

India, Peter

at Astar for

Some

historians of religion believe that

Tara might be derivative. Astar or Astarte was one of the sources of

Mary, he had told

common

source?

unwieldy

if

Up

me some

To

time ago. Could she prove to be a

follow out such a notion might well prove

not impossible.

out of Egyptian Africa the waters

the Monastery of Jasna Gora, there

Egyptian, St.

who withdrew

Sara of the

to a

life

is

rolled. In the sacristy

the painting of

St.

Sarah the

of repentance as a desert hermit.

Camargue came from Egypt

Les Saintes-Maries-de-la-Mer.

St.

of

one of the

in

stories of

Paul the First Hermit, the patron

of the Pauline Order that keeps Jasna Gora, the Egyptian desert hermit, was sustained miraculously by a raven

who

brought him

bread each day. Born in Thebes in Upper Egypt in A.D. 233, Paul fled into the desert to

years.

9

said that

It is

hundred

escape persecution, remaining there over ninety

two

lions

dug

his grave

when he

died at one

thirteen.

The Marys of the Camargue

are venerated in the church of Les

Saintes-Maries-de-la-Mer by a statue that depicts them standing in a boat.

u

Isis is

the one

associated with a boat. Tara

who

is

described as a boatwoman,

leads us across," an epithet that reverberates with the

Hodegetria, "the

one

who

leads the way." Tara

is

also the vessel itself,

"the perfect boat to carry the great load of beings" to the shores of peace. 10

The

seal

of Jasna Gora Monastery, the palm tree with lions

standing on both sides, a raven

perched

at the

is

a sign of the Great

Mother.

It

also reveals

top of the palm in other renderings.

And

the

WHERE THE STREAMS CROSS raven

is

a

symbol of the Great Mother. 11 The raven, the

phase of the alchemical process; the two ravens of

first

at Einsiedeln

A

come

337

nigredo, St.

to mind, iconographic code.

copy of Spain's Black Madonna of Montserrat, La Morenata,

high above a doorway in the sacristy at Jasna Gora across the

from the painting of

A Matka

the

Meinrad

sits

room

St. Sara.

multitude of streams pour into the Boskies Zielnes is

Madonna

another appellation of the

at Jasna

Madonna of

Gora and means the Mother of the Good Crops. To her the

Gora. Jasna

faithful

bring rye, wheat, and herbs as offerings in the middle of August, the

ancient grain protectoress in Christian form. Mid-August was also the feast of Artemis/Diana.

Great Mother worship flourished throughout Old Europe, 7000—

3500 else, is

a

B.C.;

there

no need

is

to look to the Mediterranean or any place

anthropologist Marija Gimbutas

tells

me, "The Black Madonna

goddess of Old Europe, the Earth Mother." Black meant

and white meant death in figures over thirty

this

fertility,

pre-Indoeuropean culture. 12 Goddess

thousand years old have been found

in

Europe,

from Yugoslavia to France. In the tian

Camargue

at Les-Saintes-Maries-de-la-Mer, the pre-Chris-

elements taken over by the Church were clearly in evidence, as

they were in Marseilles at

St.

Victor's, the oldest

church

in Marseilles,

with the dark wooden statue of the Madonna, Notre Dame de in the crypt. It

was

first

is

said that

it

was

in Marseilles that a

Confession,

temple of

Isis

converted to the worship of the Madonna.

The symbols of the Camargue

are the bull

and the mare, drawn

from hidden streams, charged with the energy of pre-Christian like Einsiedeln's ravens, like

cults,

Jasna Gora's palm tree with the lions

and the raven. Ephesian Artemis was the patron and oracle for early

from Greece

who

in

importers

brought Black Artemis to Gaul with them in the

sixth century B.C. This

Madonnas

tin

may

well explain the distribution of Black

France along the route of the tin portage, around

LONGING FOR DARKNESS

338

Boulogne-Marseilles. 13 lously" found often

Where

these ancient images were "miracu-

became the

of worship, the most famous

sites

of which were the Black Madonnas, such as the

Vierge Noire at

Le

Puy, where Joan of Arc's mother went to pray as her daughter rode to confer with the king of France. In Paris, Chartres has a Black

Madonna amongst

its

treasures.

In southern France, the

Magdalene

who

in certain

Dark Madonnas

swirl in legends of the

medieval traditions brought the Holy Grail,

the child of Jesus, from Jerusalem to France. 14

La Divina Pastora, the Divine Shepherdess in Trinidad, the statue

of Mary,

is

also called Soparee

The Black Virgin

Kay Mai, which means Mother

at Regla, the protectress of

Havana Bay,

is

Kali.

also the

African Yemaya, "the silvered goddess of the seas," Eduardo Galeano writes.

15

No matter where giving her a depth

I

look,

Mary

has an earlier, non-Christian source

and richness beyond any of the jeweled adornments

she wears in the Church.

It

is

deeply satisfying to find

streams in her, like the sweetness of water after great

The at

fullness of this circle holds within

home.

come

I

I

had made

at

and discover that she had told

Machig Labdron, the great Tibetan Both were

women who

asking. Further

I

is

I

comments.

my room

I

I

have them trans-

which

I

woman

chod practice about

didn't understand this then. Years ago,

my

find

had been

Nyima Rinpoche's mother,

a respected teacher of

had answered many of

In

I

me stories of Yeshe Tsogyel and women masters, years before. 16

raised families, stories for

mandu. She herself was the kind of

it.

these

Chos Kyi Nyima's monastery

discovered that Chos Kyi

Kunsang Dechen, though

the fullness of what

had to go away to become aware of

across the tape

that included his mother's untranslated lated

it

all

thirst.

questions, had told

whom

I

in

Kath-

inquired,

now learn, she me that having a I

WHERE THE STREAMS CROSS woman's bodv was no cause

many women "One can

—

practice with great results whether you are married,

this

sake of

all

doesn't matter

It

and how much vou

married, unmarried,

said.

vour mind

"It's

practice.

one has the desire to become enlightened for the

as

beings, bodhicitta, having

than

spiritual practice

Yeshe Tsogyel

—

not what's important," she

is

that brings results

"As long

There had been

for discouragement.

masters in the past, she assured me.

have children or are a nun. children

339

when

a man's.

woman's body can be

This

better for

what Padmasambhava

is

told

she complained to him about having a woman's

bodv. This was over a thousand years ago, remember, one should

never regret being born

a

woman."

Termas are hidden Tibetan teachings, buried the skv, or even in the

or until there Finallv

I

is

mind

—

until the

a student to receive

learned her name, had her

read them.

::

Then

realized

I

I

are also

The

ideal

now

—

in a rock, a lake,

right to reveal

is

comments

translated and could

women who

was surrounded bv

who

have or have had

model

One "left Buddhist. One had

has too long been the

for spiritual practice

the world" for the monastery, be

or

to

abandon the

family, take

awav

structions to be cleared

practice

is

—

mav be

no longer

evil,"

monastic

life,

Spiritual

celibate,

but

it's

celibacy. Family, as

ob-

Way

or the Spirit,

called.

with or without families

no longer limited to the for the

so.

Christian

committed person who has

God, the Dharma, the

trulv given themselves to it

for the

up

it

been viewed

relationships, children especially, have too long

This

are

families.

teaching.

monastery.

however variously

them

them. Kunsang Dechen's words.

seriouslv involved in spiritual practice

Some

time

practice for everyday

—

is

coming

into

monastic model.

time to see family

I

life

its

own.

life,

We

lav

are

have great respect not

as

"the lesser

but as an equally demanding, though different, choice for intense

spiritual practice.

home. Keeping an

The realm of altar,

the sacred

is

being rekindled in the

having time for spiritual reading, meditation

and or prayer with our family and our

friends, these are practices

I

LONGING FOR DARKNESS

340

found encouraged from Medjugorje to Dharamsala. They remind us of what

we

already know.

The sacred

not something separate from

is

a dimension of everyday

it.

down the list of women know or had heard teach my own limited experience. All are women who have

begin to go

I

recendy within

I

raised or are in the process of raising children.

some

are not.

life,

Some have grown

have infants. Their significance

lies in

of mothers teaching, giving us

new

Some

some have

children,

are married,

teenagers,

the fact that these are

all

some

voices

choices.

Maurine Stuart Roshi, Zen master and president of the Cambridge Buddhist Society, came to Green Gulch to lecture and lead a meditation retreat, sesshin. this

woman

went

I

master lecture

to hear her, deeply in the zendo

where

moved I

first

to listen to

began

as a

student. 18

Several

women

at

Zen Center, both

senior students and priests

with families, had begun to lecture and teach while elsewhere. 19

Wendy Johnson,

in collaboration ers,

on

a

my

focus was

head of the Green Gulch garden, works

with other Zen students and parents, especially moth-

book entided

practice with family

Simple Treasures:

life

—

ways to incorporate

work, partners, children

—

this

spiritual is

being

explored at the inspiration of Thich Nhat Hanh. The Buddhist Peace Fellowship sponsors Family Practice Days at Green Gulch Farm. Thich

Nhat Hanh's meditation

retreats include

and

invite children.

He

has

a special genius for imaginative application of ancient practices, for

example, giving a child a "mindfulness bell" to ring

tempers

rise,

to

remind us to

stop, take a

when household

moment,

breathe, and

return to ourselves.

Yvonne Rand, who came

to the Tara puja, received

full

dharma

Zen master Katagiri Roshi in Though Yvonne's main focus was Zen, our paths crossed again in finding ourselves drawn to Tibetan teachings. Her Holiness the Sakya Jetsunma Chime Luding, also known as transmission from the Japanese Soto

Minneapolis, Minnesota.

Jetsun Kushola, perhaps the highest

dhism

in the

woman

teacher of Tibetan Bud-

West, came to the Tibetan Buddhist Center,

Ewam

1

WHERE THE STREAMS CROSS Choden,

Berkeley to give initiations and teachings, including the

in

White Tara Richmond,

Lama

initiation for long life

and

healing.

Inge Sandvoss was the

first

Chagdud Rinpoche's

Her center

is

in

lama ordained bv the Venerable

Padma Amrita,

is

to the West.

I

meet Lama where

retreat center in Napa, California,

she was leading part of the retreat.

his

20

British Columbia, Canada.

Chagdud Tulku Rinpoche when he came Inge at

34

Her own center where she

teaches,

Spokane, Washington.

in

Among the several teachers who trained Chagdud Rinpoche was own mother, Dawa Drolma, recognized as one of the women

masters of her generation in Tibet. Fleeing Tibet in 1959, Chagdud

Rinpoche, until

like so

coming

erner, Jane

The main the black

manv Tibetan

manv

masters, spent

vears in India

United States ten vears ago. Married to

to the

Trogme, Chagdud Rinpoche has

is

a fierce

raised children as well.

Red Tara and Troma, form of Tara. Tara in her manv

practice of Chagdud's students

chod dakini who

West-

a

aspects, as well as other Tibetan deities,

is

is

studied at his main Buddhist

center, Rigdzin Ling, in the Trinitv Alps of northern California. I

of

all

Her rubv

Tara.

color represents the desire

beings for the freedom of liberation. She

sun, full

speech.

moon

21 I

behind her. She

\isited

the strength of

drew

Red

begin to studv

closer.

is

known

sits

on

a disk of the

especially to help in purifying

Chagdud Rinpoche's community, noted

women members

its

and

Chagdud Rinpoche became

Tsering Everest,

a

Chagdud Rinpoche's

its

in part for

balance of families.

I

teacher of mine as well. translator,

whom

I

first

encountered some years ago, has been authorized to give certain Tara teachings and to teach

dream

voga. Tsering Everest too has

made

a

great studv of Tara.

Of Troma,

the fierce black form of Tara,

her practice for students

more advanced than

I.

I

have learned

But

this

much

little,

Tsering

explained: black can also be understood to represent emptiness, the

complete overcoming of ignorance: the

false

perception of

realitv,

the illusion of dualism, of anvthing existing separatelv.

Emptiness, the true nature of Tara, the

womb

of enlightenment,

LONGING FOR DARKNESS

342

can be understood symbolically as darkness or the color black. tiness

is

not nothing. This

a great conceptual error that

is

Empmany

Westerners make. Emptiness refers to the radical insight of the Buddha twenty- five hundred years ago that distinguishes Buddhism from most systems of belief

—

there

is

no

arising, separate self. All that

is

is, is

independendy

in constant flux, rising

and with something

in relationship to

This

individually existing,

and

falling

else.

darkness to the thinking mind, to the ego that grasps and

holds that there

is

such a thing

as

"mine." This goes beyond thinking

mind, beyond the world of appearances, into the vast direct experience of being. This

not ordinary

is

reality.

This

the black of

is

midnight, imminence, that comes before the pre-dawn of en-

starless

lightenment, the "clear light," a state of translucence or transparency that

is

beyond dark and

light.

Thus emptiness can be

womb

is

Walking up into the the stories

I

This

is

a radiant black.

said to be dark or black to us. This

of enlightenment. This

the Buddhas, this

22

Wisdom. This

is

is

the

is

Mother of

the All

Tara.

hills,

I

think about Tara, about the image and

read of her as a joyful, slightly mischievous sixteen-year-

woman, who would sometimes chide a person whose life them before she would save them, Tara, slaying demons with a prayed her. Fearless hadn't to

old young

she had just saved, or even chide if

they

frown from her brow, her eyes flashing

from her brings the world and

its

like lightning. Just a

demons under her sway.

I

laugh catch

myself smiling just to think of her.

But where cool I

on

my

is

face,

the joyful Mary? Walking along this road, the air

with the

imagine Mary smiling as

first I

hint of

remember

fall,

the sun

warm, suddenly

the magnificent Greek icon,

21 the Virgin Kardiotissa: the infant Jesus has thrown his arms

his

mother's neck, his head thrown back

up around

in joyful, loving

abandon,

WHERE

dangling from his

his sandal

about to pull her

he's

When

left foot, as

Man

her arms from plav; and

though

STREAMS

THE

see this Linage

I

-

smiling

,

CROSS

though he had =:

rhild.

::..-

just

run into

who

looks as

her head.

veil off

recognize her expression and

I

J43

I

am

flooded

again with sweet jov of bearing innocence, the sheer, inexplicable,

gratuitous jov that pierces mothering, the remarkable sound of

newborn babv nursing

—

vou nurse

tracting as

vour breast, the feeling

at

a

the uterus con-

:;

the growing, visceral understanding that the

much more vast and moment of giving birth

bodv. like the earth, has an intelligence so

complicated than our to a child,

moment

and the

that nullifies

new

life,

all

moment,

New

into the world.

moment,

distinct, the

the painter has put

down

mv

right, the top. East

is

will

make

too,

vourseli

or verv like a

up

The

:r.

and West peaks.

moment

the

I

this jov. that

make

vou want

a fool

whirling and twirling them around, or

will

be

down on

fours

all

t

:

}ssing

arming

them

Oh. how mine laughed. is

feel this

the

power

morning

two rubv-chested for

on with

to go

out of vourseli. fathers

cooing or making some face that onlv an infant

of jov that

that

hillside grasses are a dull

enough

i::er

one discovers what makes them

dog or plaving hide and go seek, or standing now.

in the air.

and

dizzv

as

voung child enjovs, or vou

So great it

a crib

see Mar.'

I

whirling her child around in the sweet

them

and

walk past pine

I

the brush. She has stepped outside the is

laugh and smile. So sweet

bending over

a gh nog A new life

bliss.

for this vear. past eucalvptus. ever

dance that mothers and babies do

like this forever

being into

Life

dav bright.

image given to us and she

all

outside the icon, as

done

on

the mountain. Tamalpais.

and

whole bodv taken over,

separation between bodv as sexual and bod',

trees, past the blackberries,

clear

then that

of labor, the

of being launched into an electrifving irgasmic jov

see the next

I

— and

dissolving, for that

come

has

own

bevond the pains

me

to

I

women

and men

gold and

brown from

their

this place.

the lack of rain,

birds chase each other through the

make out

will die for

could die for the beautv of

markings and see

air

who

never

still

thev are.

LONGING FOR DARKNESS

344

and the mountain, closer now, dark green

hawk hovers high above

in the

in the distance.

wind, then dives, taking

with her. Underneath, the San Andreas Fault the Point Reyes Peninsula

is

A redtail my heart

creaking and, slowly,

moves two inches further north each

year,

while the great tectonic plates grind and shift below the sea, the

movement of cannot see slightly,

it

it,

continents deep, in that dark, even as

the landscape

breathes.

is

alive.

It

I

look though

I

cracks and shifts ever so

On

the

Mountain

The Dalai Lama,

Mount lamalpais, California

As a bee seeks nectar

from

all kinds

offlowers,

seek teachings everywhere; like

a deer that finds

a quiet place

to graze,

seek seclusion to digest all

you have

Like a

beyond

gathered.

madman all limits,

go wherever you

and

live like

a

please,

lion,

completely free of all fear.

— Dzogchen

tantra'

California

October

1989

Sitting

on the small stage on top of Mount Tamalpais, the Dalai Lama

leans over the for reporters.

arm of

a satin brocade armchair to

answer questions

Thrust to the forefront of the international spotlight

by the award of the Nobel Peace

Prize,

Tenzin Gyatso, the Fourteenth

Dalai Lama, continues to be himself, earthy, spontaneous, and present.

The

press has been flown in suddenly

from

all

over the country to 345

LONGING FOR DARKNESS

346

him conduct the Lahsang,

see

a Tibetan

The Lahsang

healing the earth.

is

ceremony

also a

for purifying

ceremony

for

and

world peace

and part of the Twelfth Tai Situpa's worldwide Pilgrimage for Active Peace in which the Dalai

Lama

participates.

Revered by the Native American Coast Miwok times called

"Coyote's

it

a dramatic setting for feet

who someRound House," Mount Tamalpais provides the ceremony as we sit twenty-six hundred tribe

above a world blanketed by

fog, floating.

Francisco Bay, Point Reyes Peninsula,

The

Pacific

Ocean, San

are invisible below.

all

Here

on the West Peak, the highest point on the mountain, the sky brilliant

is

blue and clear, the sun hot. Ravens cry, swooping in and

out of the manzanita and pines, blue jays squawk and squirrels scold, all

adding to the commotion that breaks up the usual quiet of the

mountain.

am

I

locked into a spot a few feet in front of the stage by the

crush of photographers, television cameramen, and reporters. eras

go off

Two

like tiny

Cam-

automatic gunfire.

questions recur: what kind of impact did the Nobel Peace

on him, and what does the future hold

Prize have

for Tibet in

its

campaign to regain independence from China.

The Dalai

clearest,

Lama

most forthright answer

himself. His presence

is

to

all

the questions

light, cheerful,

is

the

warmhearted, and

genuine. "I

am just

a simple

Buddhist monk, no more, no

less,"

he begins,

"that hasn't changed."

"Human maybe "I

it is

am

kindness and compassion, that's

my

personal religion,

the universal religion.

always optimistic. There

A

that needs freedom.

is

against

human blood human nature. It

spirit

cannot stand the

something

repressive system

is

won't work in the long run. The human

in the

negative, evil forces of repression.

may be the most important century in many sad things that are happening, but when things become so terrible, so dan-

"This twentieth century

human

history.

There are

the positive aspect

is

that

LONGING FOR DARKNESS

348

gerous, people that

it

have

wake

up.

The nuclear

it,"

is

so awful, so powerful,

how bad

The Tibetan emphasis

is

eliminate,

ferings of others.

Our

society's salvation

is

"Violence

is

we

responsibility for the

everyone's.

We

life.

A

to

must have

me

is

is

genuine

family.

just that, individual, but altruistic attitude

the

is

patience.

unstable. Revolutions

The reason

human

can minimize the misfortunes and suf-

system by force, but they have very

way of

We must

not useful, he

the world situation seems.

individual salvation

seed of a happy future.

is

abidingly positive.

"Each individual must take

we cannot

hope.

is

he adds emphatically. Becoming depressed

notes pragmatically, no matter

If

threat

wakes up a desire for world peace. So there

little

may overthrow an

existing

to offer as a new, meaningful

quite clear. These revolutionary

come from hatred, not from love. Yes, there is some compassion, some concern for less privileged people, for people's suffering, that's very good: but when you compare

movements

that use violence mainly

the motivation of love to the motivation of hatred, the force of hatred

makes up maybe seventy percent of the motivation. Such unstable.

It

cannot

last

over time,

only generates

it

a force

more of

itself.

is

In

the long run, the only motivation that creates stability, lasting change is

loving kindness, compassion, nonviolence, and the altruistic desire

to help others. I

giving in

These are the answers."

had seen him

Dzogchen

in the

teachings,

Los Angeles, but

politics, in

to the

now

auditorium at San Jose only days before, I

I

had seen him

am

seeing

the world's eye and there

way of

is

no

at the Kalachakra

ceremony

him under the pressure of difference. His

commitment

kindness, compassion, altruism, and nonviolence

is

completely embodied.

The Chinese met him

repression of Tibetans has only

in India in

capital of Tibet, in

grown

since

I

first

1986. Martial law was declared in Lhasa, the

March 1989,

demonstrations against Chinese

independence from China and

in

response to increased nonviolent

rule.

Tibetans continued the

call for

in the ensuing violence, pressure

con-

mount

tinued to

and revolution.

MOUNTAIN

THE

ON

Lama

for the Dalai

He would

not.

349

armed

to advocate

resistance

Hundreds of Tibetans were

killed,

thousands more were imprisoned, and the international press was expelled from the country. 2

Three months

after martial

law was declared

world

in Tibet, the

saw firsthand the lengths the Chinese government would go to main-

The Goddess of Democracy ruled Tiananmen Square

tain control.

an unforgettable hundreds,

moment

turned and massacred

until the authorities

not thousands, of their

if

own

in

citizens.

The numbers

will

never be known. The gasoline-doused bodies of demonstrators were

on the

ignited

spot.

Like Gandhi before him, Tenzin Gvatso refuses to

or to hold the Chinese in enmity.

He

He

continues to put

to brutality

speaks of the anguish of the

condemn

Tibetans, yet never does he dismiss or

bow

the Chinese people.

Peace Plan, again and again

forth his Five Point

advocating reason, love, and compassion. 3

Now offering closely

the sweet

smeU of juniper smoke

lingers in the air,

from the Lahsang ceremony. The Dalai Lama

cropped head to one

sits

thought, red robe over one shoulder, leaning forward

he speaks on top of

this

mountain that

mountain underneath whose shadow tain that

we

the Dalai

Lama now

world of what nonviolence, of

I

we

work

sits

alreadv

had begun to

I

I

bow

know

—

bow

to

on

again

daily, this

moun-

children, this

knelt

my

walks, pav

all

—

for the entire

he

is

the

trail,

respects

the

replenishing the store

human

Mount Tamalpais from

down on

my

He reminds

choose love, choose kindness,

walked below for some months before

I

mv

speaking.

of,

I

coming. Looking around self-consciouslv

was alone,

now and

walk almost

I

raised

to

on top

for the benefit of

wisdom and compassion I

down

have climbed on, played on, slept on, drawn, painted,

and loved. This mountain that to,

here smiling,

side, tinted glasses slipped slightly

looking over their top, his hand on his chin in

his nose, his eves

as

an

familv.

the ridgetop

where

heard the Dalai Lama was at first, to

touched

mv

be sure that

head to

this

I

ground

LONGING FOR DARKNESS

350

that

I

hold dear, and offered a momentary prayer.

the mountain, to the North, then rose and

I

bowed

bowed

first

to

again in each of

the remaining three directions: East, South, and West.

Over time, making these bows when part of

The

my

walks, a

directions

the north,

is

way of

grew to have

I

reached the hilltop became

revering this corner of the landscape. specific meanings.

the spirit of this place; the east,

Mount

my

Tamalpais, to

family and

com-

munity; the west, out over the ocean, the death which soon comes to

my

that

I

grandfather and one day to me. will

meet

it

as serenely as

I

pay

does he.

I

my

respects and

hope

do not yet know what

the south represents.

The next morning

I

walk early down a muddied

flank of the mountain. Facing east as

dawn I

in the pre-

lit

perplexed by the tiny

flickers

and blown out, that

see near the ground. After a

I

of light going

realize that these are the

glimmer of

bush to bush, hop up and

down from

full

road on the

dark, only the softest light has begun to pearl the horizon.

am

being I

fire

home

turn toward

1

of night that

wings.

Then

I

birds'

off, like

wings as they

the ground.

Dawn

matches

moment flit

from

is still

so

cannot detect the birds until they spread their

the palest light catches the edge backlit and shows

in the briefest flash illumined,

me

not the bird, but the outspread wing.

Chapter 1.

The Unremembered Gate

1.

The Book of Enlightenment, translated and introduced by Daniel

The

Matt,

Classics of

1983), p. 55.

Western

The Zohar

is

Spirituality

(New

the thirteenth-century spiritual classic and

major text of the Kabbalah, the Jewish mystical 2.

Julius Friedrich Sachse,

1694-1708 (Printed 3.

Chanan

York: Paulist Press,

The German

Pietists

of

tradition. Provincial

Pennsylvania,

for the author, Philadelphia, 1895).

Walpola Rahula, What

the

Buddha Taught

(New

York: Grove Press,

1974), p. 61. 4.

Ibid.

Rahula notes

(p.

xii)

that Theravada

Southeast Asian countries such

as,

Thailand, Cambodia, Laos; whereas

is

followed primarily in

but not limited

to,

Ceylon, Burma,

Mahayana developed

later in Tibet,

Mongolia, China, and Japan. 5.

(Berkeley: University of California Press, 1978).

6.

See

Hugh

Harper 7.

For

R.

Downs, Rhythms of

& Row,

this version

a Himalayan Village (San Francisco:

1980), p. 21.

of Durga's story

I

relied primarily

on David

Kinsley,

Hindu Goddesses (Berkeley: University of California Press, 1986), and Ajit

Mookerjee's

Kali: The Feminine Force

(New

York: Destiny Books,

1988).

351

LONGING FOR DARKNESS

352

8.

Kinsley, p. 96.

9.

Ibid., p.

10.

11.

118.

Margaret and James Stutley, Dictionary of Hinduism (San Francisco: Harper 8c Row, 1977), p. 137.

known

Also

(New

translated by Arthur Avalon

as the Mahanirvana Tantra,

York: Dover, 1972),

barrister, Sir

p.

SO.

"Arthur Avalon" was the British

John Woodroffe, who

lived in India in the nineteenth

century. 1

2.

Subsequently published as Sky Dancer: The Lady Yeshe Tsogyel (London: Routledge

&

13.

Mookerjee,

14.

Anne Fausto- Sterling, "Society Writes

and Songs of

the

Paul, 1984).

p. 28.

Gender," Daedalus, 116 15.

Secret Life

Kegan

The English word

wrathful

form of the deity that

Biology/Biology Constructs

(Fall 1987), p. 64. is

am

I

often used in translation to describe a

choosing to

call fierce.

I

am

departing from

the general use of wrathful as "wrath" inevitably connotes "anger" and these deities, in the Tibetan tradition at least, cannot in

anyway be

said to be angry, despite the ferocity or fierceness of their facial expres-

sion or general demeanor.

and

Other terms that might be used are

terrific

terrible.

The

fierceness of Tara

and the other

deities

is

often likened to the

behavior and expression of a mother trying to get her only child out of the path of a speeding car.

To

the child the mother might appear

"fierce" or even angry but in fact the mother's motivation

and compassion. This

The word fierce active

and

opinion, deities

ardent in

comes

is

includes intensely eager; its

is

Arthur Avalon Stotra)

intense, furiously zealous

and

in

or

my

wrathful.

Though more commonly many terms and

misleading. As in the case with it

"fierce"

is

others generally use the 6.

was love

motivation.

closer to accurately describing the motivation of these

concepts in translation,

The word

—

definition (Oxford English Dictionary)

than does the English word

used, wrathful

1

the crucial distinction

(Sir John

(Madras: Ganesh

too has limitations. generally used throughout this text

where

word "wrathful."

Woodroffe), translator, Hymn &.

to Kali (Karpuradi-

Co., 1965), citing the Yogini-Tantra.

"The

notes

353

notion of a difference between them has given (p.

17.

Vidya

34).

a

is

rise to various Mantras" form of the Mahadevi or the Great Goddess.

Leonard Nathan and Clinton Wild Hair, Selected Poems

Seely, translators, Grace and Mercy in Her

Mother Goddess by Kamprasad Sen (Boulder,

to the

Colo.: Great Eastern, 1982), p. 27. 18.

Tara,

Durga, Kali, Mother, the Great Devi

— Ramprasad

sang over and

over in his astonishing poems. "Listen to this storv, Mother Tara," he

demanded in one poem; in another he cried, "Tara, Tara You are the mother of all. ..." Ramprasad said "You'll find Mother /in any .

house

/

.

.

.

She's mother, daughter, wife, sister / Even-

.

.

woman

close

to you." 19.

The Legend of the Great Stupa of Boudhanath, translated bv Keith

Dowman

(Kathmandu: Diamond Sow Publications, 1978). 20.

The amnesiac scopolamine that was given during childbirth produced some said allergic, some said what later found out was an extreme I

I

neurochemical

—

knew nothing about it

—

reaction to the drug. At twenty and twentv-one,

medications, nor had

I

except in foreign countries. At the time

I

heard of childbirth without I

was told that

I

had

a

very

low pain threshold and poor pain tolerance.

The drug

is

rarelv used anv

more with

childbirth.

Manv women

have had similarly severe reactions.

Chapter 1.

Underneath

Charles Olson, "These Days," The Collected Poems of Charles Olson, edited

by George p. 2.

2.

F.

Butterick (Berkeley: University of California Press, 1987),

106.

For further discussion of Stanislav Grof,

this

topic, see the

M.D., The Stormy Search for

work of

the Self

Christina and

(Los Angeles: Tarcher,

1990). 3.

Letters,

edited by Gerhard Adler and Aniela Jaffe, translated by R.F.C.

Hull, Bollingen 'Series 95, Vol.

II;

University Press, 1961), cited in

World 4.

Services, 1984), pp.

1951-61 (Princeton, N.J.: Princeton Anonymous, Pass It On (New York:

684-685.

See Ernest Kurtz, Not God (Center City, Minn.: Hazelden, 1979), pp. 8-9.

.

LONGING FOR DARKNESS

354

5.

The National Council on Alcoholism, founded in 1944, has affiliates in nearly 100 cities in the U.S. They provide information and referrals about alcoholism and treatment on the local as well as national level.

The National Council on Alcoholism 12 West 21st Street New York, New York 10011 (212) 206-6770 Alcoholics ship of

Anonymous, founded

women and men who

with each other to solve their

is

an international fellow-

common problem and help

from alcoholism. Numerous other successful recovery

in 1935,

share their experience, strength and hope others recover

self-help groups have established

programs modeled

after

AA's Twelve Steps such

as

Al-Anon, Narcotics Anonymous, Adult Children of Alcoholics, Cocaine

Anonymous, Debtor's Anonymous to mention only a few. AA is free and widely established with over 42,000 groups worldwide.

AA

registered

can be found in any telephone directory, or contact:

Anonymous World Box 459 Grand Central Station Alcoholics

New

York,

New

Services, Inc.

York 10163

(212)686-1100

Chapter 1

Leonard ed.,

N.J.:

Sky

W. Moss and

Princeton University Press, 1974),

Stephen C. Cappannari,

Mother Worship (Chapel

Press, 1982), pp.

Hill,

Newsweek magazine, July 1984.

4.

(New

5.

The Secret Book of Revelation

6.

Ibid., p.

133.

7.

Ibid., p.

15.

York: Vintage, 1981),

James

J.

Preston,

N.C.: University of North Carolina

p. xvi.

(New

Elaine Pagels, The Gnostic Gospels

An

in

Man-

p. 321.

53-74.

3.

8.

Down Out of the

The Great Mother: An Analysis of the Archetype, translated by Ralph

heim (Princeton, 2.

3. Fallen

excellent source

York: McGraw-Hill, 1979),

(New

on the Gnostics.

York: Vintage, 1981),

p.

120.

p. xvi.

notes 9.

355

Marina Warner, Alone of All Her Sex. Warner notes that in Hebrew, the spirit of God was feminine, the Shekinah, "neuter in the Greek, pneuma, feminine as sophia (wisdom), invariably feminine in Syriac, but in Latin

10.

it

became incontrovertibly masculine:

Eleanor Munro, On Glory Roads, A York:

Thames and Hudson,

Pilgrim's

spiritus

Book about Pilgrimage

145. Ephesus

1987), p.

sanctus" (p. 39).

is

now

(New

part of

western Turkey. 11.

The Secret Book of Revelation, p. 12.

12.

Joseph Jablonski, Free

Spirits,

Annals of the Insurgent Imagination (San

Francisco: City Lights, 1982). 1

3.

Johann Kelpius's Order of the Woman in the Wilderness is described as one of the early Utopian communities in America in Delores Hayden, Seven American Utopias

(Cambridge, Mass.:

more fully by Julius "The Hermits on the Wissahickon,"

is

written about

Pennsylvania 14. Julian

The German

(New

of

Provincial

Martin Buber,

S.J.,

The

Classics of

Edmund Western

York: Paulist Press, 1978), pp. 298-299.

Ecstatic Confessions

Chapter

4.

"Uttama's Song," from The by and Stories of the Earliest

(1909), p. 110.

Where Tara Emerges

Therigata, The First Enlightened

Women

in

Women Poems :

Buddhism, translated by Susan Murcott.

Unpublished manuscript (Marblehead, Mass., 1985), 2.

Pietists

of Norwich, Showings, translated with an introduction by

Spirituality

1.

The Order

Press, 1977).

1694-1708.

Colledge, O.S.A., and James Walsh,

15.

MIT

Friedrich Sachse in his chapter

p. 26.

Stephan Beyer, The Cult ofTara (Berkeley: University of California Press, 1978), p. 4.

3.

At the time, Tara Doyle was running the Antioch College Buddhist Studies Program at Bodh Gaya, India.

4.

Professor Robert

5.

John Blofeld has commented of

Tibet

Thurman pointed clearly

this out.

on

this subject in The Tantric Mysticism

(Boston: Shambhala Publications, 1987), p. 199.

Many

descriptions

of actual practices, sadhanas, are rarely set forth except in the most

.

LONGING FOR DARKNESS

356

general way, he maintains. Block prints and manuscripts kept privately

by lamas

may even have

certain passages scrambled or

Chapter 1

Proverbs

and Songs from

out so that

left

them without proper guidance.

the uninitiated could not use

This Nameless Path

5.

Harvard

Countryside of Castille (Cambridge:

the

University Press).

2.

By "close

at

hand"

mean

I

the San Francisco Bay area.

Women

teachers

were emerging out of the turmoil of some of the Zen communities on the East coast and in Los Angeles, but by 1985, I had turned to the study of Tibetan Buddhism where there were fewer women teachers. See the Kahawai Collective's work, Not Mixing up Buddhism (Fredonia,

White Pine Press, 1986); Ellen S. Sidor, ed., A Gathering of Spirit, Women Teaching in American Buddhism (Cumberland, R.I.: Primary Point

N.Y.:

Press, 1987); Teachers in

Lenore Friedman, Meetings

Boucher, Turning

the

Wheel, American

& Row,

(San Francisco: Harper America (Berkeley:

of some of the 3.

4.

North Point

women

(Boston: Routledge Ibid., pp.

&

Women, Buddhist

Women

Creating the

New

Buddhism

1988); and Helen Tworkov, Zen

Press, 1989), for discussion

and

in

profiles

teachers emerging during this period.

Kegan

Paul, 1984).

52-54. Allione's discussion of the delog draws on Mircia Eliade's

Shamanism and Guiseppi Tucci's

Chapter 1.

with Remarkable

Shambhala Publications, 1987); Sandy

America (Berkeley:

6.

Who

Is

Religions

Leaving,

of

Who

Tibet.

Will Return?

Transformation into the Exalted State, Spiritual Exercises of the Tibetan Tantric Tradition, translated

by Carol Sawas and Lodro Tulku,

Fasc.

1

8.

(Rikon,

Switzerland: Tibet Institute, June 1987), p. 24.

2.

John

F.

Avedon's book,

In Exile from the

Land of

the Snows, The First Full

Account of the Dalai Lama and Tibet Since the Chinese Conquest

Knopf, i984), 3.

(Ithaca, N.Y.:

is

basic reading

Snow Lion

on

this subject.

Publications, 1985).

(New

York:

notes Chapter 1.

Effort

Is

Required

Not Mixing up Buddhism: Essays on Women and Buddhist N.Y.:

2.

7.

357

White Pine

Practice

(Fredonia,

Press, 1986), p. 7.

"Green" in Tibetan also can

mean

dark or black. Cf. Martin Willson, In

of Tara, Songs to the Saviouress (London: Wisdom Publications, syama, which can mean any dark colour black, 1986), "sNgo sangs

Praise

=

dark blue, brown, grey, green of Green Tara (Syama-Tara)" 3.

4.

Ibid.,

—

—

(p.

but 402,

is

the usual

word

for the colour

n. 82).

elephants, and demons, pp. 304-306.

human incarnation of Tara, the present incarnation Phagmo was handpicked by the Chinese, making her authenticity suspect. The Tibetans I spoke with in Dharamsala had little Believed to be a

of Dorje

faith in her.

5.

I

am indebted to Professor Robert Thurman for some understanding how astonishingly rich and different the Indo-Tibetan view is from

of

the West.

Lama Anagarika Govinda's 1

Foundations of Tibetan Mysticism (pp.

99-

10) further clarifies the spiritual basis of the Buddhist image of deities

in union, for

only sexual

what to the untrained Western eye might appear to be York: Samuel Weiser, 1977).

(New

6.

(Boston: Shambhala Publications, 1987), pp. 84

7.

Ven. Tulku Chagdud Rinpoche's excellent description.

8.

Ibid., p.

85. Blofeld cites

ff.

Edward Conze's Buddhism (Oxford: Bruno

Cassir).

9.

10.

Karma Lekshe Tsomo, Sakyadhita: Daughters of the Buddha (Ithaca, N.Y.: Snow Lion Publications, 1989), edited the proceedings and talks from the Bodh Gaya conference. For a discussion of the complexities of

Simmer-Brown's ters:

this matter, see Dr. Judith

article in The Vajradhatu Sun, "Mahaprajapati's

The Restoration of the Bhikshuni Order

in Tibetan

Daugh-

Buddhism,"

Vol. 10, no. 5 (June-July 1988), pp. 8-28. 11.

Karma Lekshe Tsomo, "Tibetan Nuns and Nunneries,"

Tibet Journal,

LONGING FOR DARKNESS

358

(Winter 1987). Reprinted

Vol. 12, no. 4,

Women and

Tibet,

in Feminine Ground: Essays on

edited by Janice D. Willis (Ithaca, N.Y.:

Snow Lion

Publications, 1987). 12.

I

have added to Lekshe's

telling

with material from Susan Murcott's

"Women Who Have Grown Old with Knowledge," her new translation of the Therigata. Unpublished manuscript (Marblehead, Mass., 1985). 13. 14.

See Helen Tworkov, Zen See Hopkinson, as the

Hill,

in

America (Berkeley:

and Kiera,

3 (1986), Professor Rita Gross,

whose work

I

would

"Horologium"

(in

Klein,

"Gain or Drain? Buddhist

Spring Wind, Vol. 6, nos.

and others writing

at this

1,

2,

time

later discover.

Chapter 1.

Press, 1989).

Not Mixing up Buddhism, as well

eds.,

work of Professor Anne Carolyn

and Feminist Views on Compassion," and

North Point

8.

The Ravens of Einsiedeln

Swedish),

poem

no.

in Mellan polerna

11

I— XIII

(Stockholm: Norstedts, 1982), or "Trees," translated into English by the author. 2.

Ean Begg's The Cult of the Black Virgin (Boston: Arkana, 1985), contains an important gazeteer in the back, giving the location and description of

many of

the Black

Madonnas

in

Europe and around the world.

3.

Dora Kalff died January

4.

C. G. Jung and C. Kerenyi, Essays on a Science of Mythology (Princeton,

Princeton University Press, Bollingen Paperback, 1973),

N.J.: 5.

6.

15, 1990, at Zollikon, Switzerland.

p. 73.

Ibid., p. 79.

more widespread than many realize. In Egypt December 25 was celebrated as the birth of the sun god,

Cultural absorption was

and

Syria,

brought forth by the Virgin, prior to the birth of Christ. the Virgin

who

"No doubt

thus conceived and bore a son on the twenty-fifth of

December was the

great Oriental goddess

whom

the Semites called

the Heavenly Virgin ... a form of Astarte," Sir James Frazer, The Golden

Bough 7.

I

(New

York: Macmillan, 1967),

Kings 11:5.

p.

416.

notes

359

and Iraq down to the Nile

8.

Modern-dav

9.

This fusion of elements from one culture to another

Svria

dynamic,

cretism" in anthropology.

It is a

Dr. Lindegger indicated,

many churches

temple

Vallev.

logical,

is

called "syn-

ongoing process. As

on former pagan

are built

sites.

W. Moss and

Anthropologists Leonard

one of the clearest descriptions of

this

Stephen C. Cappannari give

process in their essay, "In Quest

of the Black Virgin," that of Pope Gregory the Great, writing in A.D.

601 to

water

"We

his priests:

the idols.

It is

in these

same temples,

relics therein. If

from destroying the temples of

to build ourselves altars

God; because

from the

it

cult of

come

will

continued existence of a sort

refrain

the construction of these temples

useful, they will pass

true

must

necessarv onlv to destroy the idols, and to sprinkle holv

demons

71.

and place holy solid,

good and

to the service of the

to pass that the nation, seeing the

old places of devotion, will be disposed, bv

its

Quoted

of habit, to go there."

in

Worship (Chapel Hill, N.C.: University of p.

is

James

Preston, ed., Mother

J.

North Carolina

Press, 1982),

Gregory's priests had trouble winning converts, sparking his

counsel to use the

sites

alreadv considered sacred as

a

means of making

conversion more palatable.

Moss and Cappannari

give

what they claim was one of the most

interesting examples of this cultural diffusion at

Enna

—

the case of a church

in Sicilv.

Enna, situated on a steep mountain in the northwest corner of Sicily,

for

was

a site

sacred to Ceres and Proserpina, the

Roman names

Demeter, Great Mother Goddess of the earth and her daughter,

Persephone, the

Queen

of the Underworld. (In the earlier Greek legend,

Persephone was called "Saviour" because of her annual death and resurrection.) In the

Roman

version of the mvth,

it

was believed that

Proserpina's abduction bv Pluto took place on the shores of Lake Enna. "It

is

at

Enna

in Sicily that

of pagan symbolism bv the

one

finds the

Roman

most

interesting adaptation

Catholic Church: until the mid-

nineteenth century, the images of Ceres and Proserpina were used in the church as the Virgin and Infant Jesus, despite the fact that } r oserpma

A papal order bv Pius IX removed the pagan statues to an museum that is, somehow, never open to public viewing."

was female!

adjacent

Ibid., p. 61.

.

LONGING FOR DARKNESS

360

Ceres had a black aspect, as did Demeter Melaina, the Black

Demeter. Both were earth goddesses, sources of fertility, and precursors of the Black Madonna, along with Ishtar, Inanna, Cybele,

Isis,

Artemis,

Diana, and others. 10.

Today named Monte San

1 1

I

Guiliano,

according to Dr. Lindegger.

on Gustafson's substantial research for the story of the Madonna. The monastery publishes versions of it as well,

rely largely

Einsiedeln

but his work is the most detailed and analytical for my purposes. The monastery books, those available in English, are primarily chronological histories. Gustafson gives that and more. His work has been revised substantially and rewritten as a book, The Black Madonna (Boston: Sigo Press, 1990). 1

2.

Fred Gustafson, "The Black Madonna of Einsiedeln:

A

Psychological

Perspective," dissertation, Jung Institute, Switzerland, p. 4. 13.

Ibid., p. 5.

14.

Ibid., p.

15.

Idem.

16.

Ibid., p.

17.

The angel Gabriel said to Virgin Mary, "The Holy Spirit will come upon you, and the power of the Most High will cover you with its shadow.

Luke

13.

14.

And

so the child will be holy and will be called Son of God."

1:35.

18.

Ean Begg, The

19.

James

Cult of the Black Virgin.

Trefil, The

Dark

Side

of the Universe

(New

York: Anchor Books,

1988). 20. See Virginia Trimble, professor of physics at the University of Cali-

"The Search for Dark Matter," Part Two of "Our Cosmic Origins," Astronomy, Vol. 16, no. 3 (March 1988), pp. 18-23. fornia at Irvine,

21.

Marcia Bartusiak quoting researcher in "Wanted: Dark Matter," cover

22. Erich

(December 1988),

Neumann,

Dis-

pp. 63-69.

The Great Mother,

translated by Ralph

Manheim

(Princeton, N.J.: Princeton University Press, 1974), p. 165.

NOTES 23. Atlas of the World

3^J

(Washington, D.C.: National Geographic Society,

revised 3rd ed., 1970), pp. 156-57. 24.

Cf.

Joseph Campbell and

Geoffrey Ashe, The

van Sertima, ed.

et

Virgin,

25. Original Blessing (Santa Fe,

Moyers, The Power of Myth; Ean Begg,

Bill

Cult of the Black Virgin; Ivan

Black

Women

in Antiquity;

al.

N.M.: Bear and Co., 1985).

26. Bread Not Stone: The Challenge of Feminist Biblical Interpretation (Boston:

Beacon, 1985). 27.

The Mother's Songs, Images of God the Mother

(New

York: Paulist Press,

1986). 28.

Pagels

was working on her

York:

Random House,

book Adam,

latest

1988)

Eve and the Serpent

when we spoke

(New

the following January,

1987. 29.

Geshe Champa Lodro Rinpoche gave an explanation of Tara that included the essential points of the account given by the sixteenthcentury Tibetan lama Jo-nan Taranatha. Taranatha's text was called The Golden Rosary and in

A

it

he

clarified the origin

of the Tara Tantra.

published as The Origin of the Tara Tantra, translated and edited by David Tempelman (Dharamsala: Liversion of Taranatha's text

brary of Tibetan

would have

his

Works and

own

is

Archives, 1981)* Geshe

Champa Lodro

Champa Choling

in Adligenswill,

center at Rige

outside Lucerne, as well as teaching at Yiga Chozin, where

I

met

him. 30.

He

explained that there are

Chapter 1.

Tao Te Ching,

& Row, 2.

#1,

9.

many more than twenty-one

The

Way

to

Taras.

Poland

translated by Stephen Mitchell

(New

York: Harper

1988).

Nagarjuna wrote a well-known "Praise of Khadiravani Tara" to

form of Tara. See Martin Willson, (London:

Wisdom

In Praise

of Tara, Songs

Publications, 1986), pp. 282-285.

this

to the Saviouress

LONGING FOR DARKNESS

362

We Go Now

Chapter 10. 1.

Selected Poems, translated

by

W.

H.

Auden and

Leif Sjoberg

(New

York:

Pantheon Books, 1971), p. 42. "*Ayiasma (Hagiasma): purifying well. The water cult is still alive in Greece and the Near East. A glass of cold water 2.

is

the people' " (p. 37).

among

the holy welcoming drink

Marian Zalecki, O.S.P., Theology of a Marian

Shrine,

Our Lady of Czestochowa,

Marian Library Studies, Vol. 8 (Dayton, Ohio: University of Dayton, 1976). 3.

S. Pasierb, The Shrine of the Black Madonna at Czestochowa. Photographs by Janusz Rosikon, Chris Niedenthal, Josef Jurkowski. (War-

Janusz

saw: Interpress Publishers, 1985), 4.

Ibid., p. 75.

Chapter 1.

p. 6.

The Songlines

(New

1 1

.

The Pilgrimage

to the Black

York: Viking, 1987),

p.

Madonna

171.

Chapter 12. After the Pilgrimage 1.

New

Seeds of Contemplation

(New

York:

New

Directions, 1961), p. 221.

Chapter 13. There Are Roses of Fire 1.

The Ink Dark Moon. Love Poems by Ono no Komachi and Izumi Shikibu,

of

the Ancient Court

Aratani 2.

(New

Women

of Japan, translated by Jane Hirshfield with Mariko

York: Charles Scribner's Sons, 1988),

p.

116.

Thich Nhat Hanh was nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize by Martin Luther King,

Jr.,

for his

work

as

chairman of the Vietnamese Buddhist

Peace Delegation during the war.

He

is

a poet

and Zen master and

author of numerous books including Being Peace (Berkeley: Parallax

.

.

343

much

of Thich Nhat Hanh's work:

1987). Parallax publishes

Press,

Box 7355,

P.O.

NOTES Berkeley,

CA

94707.

The fourteen Precepts of the Order of Interbeing, in shortened form: 1. Do not be idolatrous about or bound to any doctrine, theory, or ideology, even Buddhist ones. All systems of thought are guiding

means; they are not absolute truth.

Do

2.

truth.

edge.

.

.

.

.

not think the knowledge you possess

Truth

.

found

Do Do

5.

is

changeless, absolute

knowl-

in conceptual

not force others, including children, by any means what-

soever, to adopt your views. 4.

and not merely

in life

.

Do

3.

is

.

.

.

not avoid suffering or close your eyes before suffering. not accumulate wealth while millions are hungry.

.

.

.

simply and share time, energy and material resources with those

.

.

.

Live

who

are in need.

Do Do

6. 7.

not maintain anger or hatred.

.

.

.

not lose yourself in dispersion and in your surroundings.

Learn to practice breathing in order to regain composure of body and mind.

.

.

Do

not utter words that can create discord and cause the community to break. Make every effort to reconcile and resolve all conflicts, however small. 8.

9.

Do

not say untruthful things.

and hatred.

division

.

.

.

.

Have the courage to speak out about

may

doing so 10.

.

Do

not utter words that cause

threaten your

own

situations of injustice even

when

safety.

A religious community should take a clear stand against oppres-

and

sion

.

Always speak truthfully and constructively.

injustice

and should

strive to

change the situation without

engaging in partisan conflicts.

Do

11.

nature.

.

.

.

not

live

with a vocation that

Select a vocation

which helps

is

harmful to humans and

realize

your

ideal of

com-

passion. 1

2.

Do not kill. Do not let others kill.

to protect 1

3.

14.

life

Find whatever means possible

and prevent war.

Possess nothing that should belong to others.

Do

not mistreat your body. Learn to handle

it

.

.

with respect.

For the complete Precepts see Thich Nhat Hanh,

Interbeing:

.

.

.

Com-

LONGING FOR DARKNESS

364

mentaries on the Tiep Hien Precepts, ed.

Fred Eppsteiner (Berkeley: Parallax

Press, 1987). 4.

5.

(New

York: Pantheon Books, 1985),

p. 84.

Victor and Edith Turner, Image and Pilgrimage thropological Perspectives

(New

in Christian Culture:

An-

York: Columbia University Press, 1978),

p. 47. 6.

Zsolt Aradi, Shrines

&

Straus

to

Our Lady Around

the World

(New

York: Farrar,

Young, 1954), pp. 155-156.

Chapter 14. The Madonna's Face 1.

"San Onofre, California," Hauling up Morning. The 1990 Martin Steingesser

ed.

Peace Calendar,

(New York: War Resisters League & New Society

Publishers, 1990). 2.

Victor and Edith Turner, Image and Pilgrimage thropological Perspectives

in Christian Culture:

An-

York: Columbia University Press, 1978),

100.

p. 3.

(New

My

visit in

August 1988 took place during the growing buildup of

refugees in the Valley that winter. Precise

numbers

would reach

crisis

proportions the following

are difficult to arrive at

and must include not

only INS District applications for asylum but also arrests by the Border Patrol

and unknown numbers

who

did not present themselves to any

federal agency, voluntarily or involuntarily.

December of 1988, 450 people were applying

for political

By October, November, month)

a day (nearly 10,000 people a

asylum to the INS Director, the Brownsville

INS Deputy Director told me. The rate in August was well on its way to 2,000 per week, whether they had that exact number of formal

week of my stay. Figures are for "OTMs" Than Mexicans), INS explained. On December 23, 1988,

applications or not for the

only (Other

the Brownsville Herald reported that 30,000 had applied to INS alone since the preceding

May.

By January 1990, there would be

a dramatic rise of Salvadorans

On

February

in

South Texas again after the rebel offensive of 1989.

7,

1990, INS reinstituted the detention policy and began to put up

circus-size tents again to handle the influx.

INS

said that

it

could

handle up to 10,000 people in the detention camp. Robert Suro, "U.S.

NOTES Is

4.

345

Renewing Border Detentions" The New

The Sanctuary movement temples

—

is

a

group of

faith

communities

—

churches,

that have established themselves as sanctuaries, safe havens,

undocumented refugees seeking

for

York Times, February 8, 1990.

political

asylum from war-torn

areas of Central America. In opposition to the United States govern-

ment's limited interpretation of the 1980 Refugee Act, participating congregations help provide food, shelter, and assistance in applying

and the appropriate

for proper papers

legal status.

They

also

accompany

refugees in resettlement. 5.

Charles Lane, "The

and 6.

lives in

War That Will Not End,"

The

New Republic, October

Lane covers Central America for Newsweek magazine

16, 1989, p. 23.

San Salvador.

"Before 1975, the United States Department of Justice adjudicated

fewer than 200

political

asylum cases per year. In 1989 more than

50,000 petitions are pending in immigration courts. The flow of Central

American refugees

in the 1980's

was simply not

anticipated." Central

American and Haitians account for the majority of Aurora Camacho

De

petitions pending.

Schmidt, "United States Refugee Policy and

Central America," Christianity and

Crisis,

Vol. 49, no. 13, September 25,

1989, p. 284. 7.

In July for

1

989, the American Bar Association began a pro bono program

asylum applicants in Harlingen, Texas, called ProBar. After meeting

staff and studying the refugee crisis, they denounced the lack of access to legal counsel and established ProBar to

with Proyecto Libertad

help insure proper representation for refugees' asylum claims. 8.

9.

Turner and Turner, Image and The

New

York Times, January 7, 1989, "Suit Attacks Policy of

Aliens in Texas," Peter 10.

11.

Morazon I

Pilgrimage, p. 51.

v.

Thomburgh, Civil Action No. B-89-002

spoke with Bishop Fitzpatrick in

reading on this subject

Keeping

Applebome.

is

May

(New

Renny Golden and Michael McConnell's Railroad (Maryknoll, N.Y.:

Obis

D. Tex. 1989).

1989. Important background

Penny Lernoux's work,

York: Viking, 1989), Cry of the People

(S.

People of

God (New

York: Penguin, 1982), and

Sanctuary: The

Books, 1986).

New Underground

LONGING FOR DARKNESS

366

The statement of the Texas Conference of Churches and

Catholic

Bishops was issued February 20, 1989. 12.

INS approved 75 percent of Iranian

In fiscal 1988, district directors for

requests for political asylum, 77 percent of Ethiopian requests, 53.7

percent of Polish requests, 5 percent of Guatemalan, and 2.7 percent of El Salvadoran requests for political asylum. 13.

Robert Kahn, the Orantes-Hernandez

Brownsville Herald, v.

Meese,

685

F.

May

2,

sequently referred to as Orantes-Hernandez 14.

1989. Findings

came from

Supp. 1488 (C. D. Cal. 1988), subThornburgh.

v.

The INS was accused of

violating Federal District Judge David V. Kenyon's permanent injunction which ordered the Service to inform

Salvadorans of their legal right to apply for political asylum. 15.

The

U.S., a country

align itself

we

founded by refugees and immigrants, must

agreed to abide by in 1968. See Helsinki

York: U.S. Helsinki

Watch Committee,

16.

480 U.S. 421 (1987).

17.

Quoted

18.

Over

Watch

Deported, Asylum Seekers in the United States,

Denied,

at least

with international standards and honor the U.N. Protocol Report, Detained,

June 1989 (New

1989).

in Sanctuary, p. 72.

a year later,

Francisco Examiner

an

on October article

10,

1989,

I

would read

in the San

by Larry D. Hatfield on Archbishop Pros-

pero Penados del Barrio from Guatemala. Penados, president of the Central American Conference of Bishops and

member

commission on Third World countries, had

Paul's

of Pope John

called for withdrawal

of United States and Soviet support from Latin America. Like Arch-

bishop

Romero

before him, Archbishop Penados had received nu-

merous death threats for becoming an outspoken advocate for the masses. Penados is responsible for the controversial pastoral letter, "A Cry for Land," in which the Guatemalan bishops "denounced as sinful the distribution of wealth" in their impoverished nation.

knowledge he in

is

It is

a likely target for right-wing death squads.

public

He was

San Francisco to receive the San Francisco Archdiocese human-

rights

award and to address the Guatemala refugee community of over

30,000 in the Bay Area. 19.

Vicki

Kemper, 'innocent

September 1987,

p. 22.

in

the Eyes of God," Sojourners, August/

notes 20.

367

Brenda Sanchez, her husband, and daughter were granted asylum on September 22, 1989, after

five years

was granted on the

was reason

basis

that there

political

of waiting. Asylum for

them

to fear

persecution in El Salvador. 21.

Matt Meyer,

"Women in Chile Demand Justice,"

The Magazine of the War

The NonViolent

Activist,

Resisters League (April/May 1989), p.

5.

Chapter IS. Walesa's Prayer 1.

"Recovery," The

(New 2.

"Reflections

Much

on

1931-1987, translated by the author

Collected Poems,

York: Ecco Press, 1988),

p. 54.

a Better Today," The

New

Yorker,

of the groundwork for Solidarity was laid

Workers Defense Committee the government, daily life to its

KOR assist

3,

1986.

the

established in 1976. Rather than address

offered concrete assistance in the difficulties of

members

be necessary to

February

down by KOR,

—

legal help, food, financial aid,

members who had

whatever might

suffered from

government

repression.

Chapter 1.

1 6.

The Mystery of the Messages

and Letters oJRumi (thirteenth-century by Coleman Barks and John Moyne (Putney, Vt.: Thresh-

This Longing. Poetry, Teaching Stories Sufi), translated

old Books, 1988), p. 20. 2.

The documentary grew out of Brendan's

project, the Inner

Mechanisms

of the Healing Response, at the Institute for Noetic Sciences, Sausalito, California, of

which O'Reagan

is

also Vice President for Research.

Institute has the largest data base in the

The

country of medically reported

cases of spontaneous remissions. 3.

"Prayers of Request to the Lady Tara," Transformation State,

Tibet Institute, June 1987, Fasc. 18), 4.

into the Exalted

translated by Carol Sawas, Opuscula Tibetana (Rikon, Switzerland: p. 21.

Mary Craig, Spark from Heaven: The Mystery of the Madonna at Medjugorje (Notre Dame, Indiana: Ave Maria Press, 1988), p. 81. Craig's balanced, account was written from her experience of working on documentary film on Medjugorje for BBC television in 1986. historical

5.

Ibid., p.

107.

a

.

LONGING FOR DARKNESS

368

Chapter 17. Where the Streams Cross 1.

"The Sun," The

(New 2.

1931-1987, translated by the author

Collected Poems,

York: Ecco Press, 1988)

p. 55.

The Lion's Roar, Center Productions, 1985, a film in tribute to the late

Gyalwa Karmapa. 3.

The

Dalai Lama's Five Point Peace Plan was formulated in September

1987 and has been presented to the European Parliament

at Strasbourg.

Transformation of the whole of Tibet into a zone of peace.

1

Abandonment of China's population

2.

transfer policy

which

threatens the very existence of the Tibetan people.

Respect for the Tibetan people's fundamental

3.

human

rights

and

democratic freedoms. 4. Restoration and protection of Tibet's natural environment and abandonment of China's use of Tibet for the production of nuclear weapons and dumping of nuclear waste. 5. Commencement of earnest negotiations on the future status of Tibet and of relations between the Tibetan and the Chinese people.

the

4.

Study Committee on the Potential for Rehabilitating Lands Surface

Mined

for Coal in the

Western United

States, Rehabilitation Potential of

Western Coal Lands (Cambridge, Mass.: Ballinger, 1974).

Conflicts over the at the Kalachakra late

Four Corners area continue. Banyacya arrived

because of his involvement in the Big Mountain

area of Black Mesa, the holy land within the Four Sacred Mountains

of the Dineh (Navajo) and Hopi, a territory that overlaps Arizona, Utah,

Mexico, and Colorado. Now the battles continue in U.S. where Native Americans await the outcome in the various

New

courts,

lawsuits 5.

and appeals they've brought to

Peter Matthiessen, Indian Country

an account

(New

of this historic gathering.

halt relocating their people.

York: Viking, 1984),

Banyacya helped

initiate

p. 78, for

the Indian

movement that grew out of these meetings. Four were chosen to carry the Hopi prophecy to the white 1948. Only Banyacya remains.

cultural revival

interpreters

world

in

6.

See chapter

7.

There are several different versions of the Twenty-one Praises to Tara.

7, p.

100.

notes

349

These praises are adapted from "A Short Tara Puja" (Kagyu Shenpen

Kunchab, 751 Airport Road, Santa

N.M. 87501), the

Fe,

text

we used

for the Tara puja. 8.

George C. Berticevich, "Sera Monastery, Near Lhasa, Tibet," April 1985 (Sausalito,

9.

See Janusz

Calif.).

Pasierb and Jan Samek, The Shnne of the Black Madonna

S.

at Czestochowa.

Photographs bv Janusz Rosikon, Chris Niedenthal, Jozef

Jurkowski (Warsaw: Interpress Publishers, 1985), 10.

p. 5.

Nagarajuna, "Praise of Khadiravani Tara," in Martin Willson, of Tara, Songs of the Sanouress (London:

Wisdom

In Praise

Publications, 1986), p.

284. 11.

Neumann,

Erich

The

Great

Mother,

translated

12.

Manheim

by Ralph

(Princeton, N.J.: Princeton University Press, 1974)

p.

165.

Conversation with Marija Gimbutas; see also her book, The Gods and Goddesses of Old Europe (Berkelev: University of California Press, 1982).

13.

Emile

Saillens,

Sos

vierges noires, leurs ongines (Paris:

erselles, 1945), as cited

ed.,

bv Moss and Cappannari

Mother Worship, (Chapel

Hill,

Les editions Univ-

in

James

J.

Preston,

N.C.: Universitv of North Carolina

Press, 1982), p. 68. 14.

Conversation with Ean Begg. For a discussion of Black Virgins and valuable gazeteer of locations of Black

Madonnas around

a

the world,

see his The Cult of the Black Virgin (Boston: Arkana, 1985). 15.

A Memory of

Fire

1:

Genesis,

Pantheon Books, 1985), 16.

Ugyen Chudon

17.

Also

known

as

p.

(New

translated bv Cedric Belfrage

York:

277.

translated the tape.

Yum

stories of Tibetan

Kusho, Kunsang Dechen related

women

masters, the

a

handful of

two most important being Yeshe

Tsogyel, eighth centurv, and Machig Labdron, the eleventh-century

master. Machig had thousands of disciples,

some of

whom came

from

was married, had children, one son, achieved enlightenment as her student. Machig is

India to Tibet to hear her teach. She

of

whom,

a

considered the source of Chod practice in Tibet, the special form of

meditation practice of which Kunsang Dechen is

translating Machig's biography

is

a teacher.

Carol Sawas

and writing about the development

.

LONGING FOR DARKNESS

370

of

cW practice under the guidance of Geshe Champa Lodro Rinpoche.

18.

Maurine Stuart Roshi died February 26, 1990.

19.

The

history of the growing

numbers of women teachers

both in the United States and around the world,

by others. The handful

I

mention are

in

is

in

Buddhism,

being documented

no way to be construed

as

being the only ones, the most important ones, the most significant ones.

They

are teachers with

and know to be of

whom

2,

chapter

I

I

reliable.

whom

I

women

fine

teachers

have heard but not yet had the opportunity to meet.

refer the reader to the existing

Women's

have had some form of contact

There are many other

Activities,

Liberal Arts,

books on the subject

in footnote

Also see the quarterly Newsletter on International Buddhist

5.

NIBWA,

Thammasat

(c/o Dr.

Chatsumarn Kabilsingh, Faculty of Bangkok 10200, Thailand), a small

University,

but important publication documenting the rapidly changing role of

women 20. Jetsun

in

Buddhism around the world.

Kushola

is

a Tibetan, the sister of Sakya Trizin, head of

one of

the four major lineages of Tibetan Buddhism. Trained alongside her brother, Jetsun Kushola has been teaching since she

was eleven years

old.

21

Jane Tromge, the

Tara, Instructions for the Short

Red Tara

Practice According to

Chagdud Tulku Rinpoche (Box 387, Junction City,

Teachings of

CA

96048). 22.

Professor Robert Thurman's translation of the stages of the enlightenment experience. There are four stages that the mind can go through at death in ordinary experience, well-mapped in the Tibetan system, or during the experience of enlightenment. These stages and the colors associated with them are translated variously. White is the first color encountered in the layers of the subtle mind, according to Thurman. This is the stage of luminescence, described by the Tibetans as moonlight. Then comes red, radiance, described as sunlight. Next comes black, which he translates as imminence, described as the starless

midnight before enlightenment. Enlightenment

is

re-

ferred to as the "clear light," translated as translucence or transparency,

which comes

just before

dawn and

is

beyond

color,

beyond dark and

light.

23.

By Angelos, sixteenth century, from the

art exhibit

and book Holy

NOTES Image,

Holy Space,

Icons

and

Museum

Culture, Byzantine

Chapter 1.

Namkhai Norbu,

The

Frescoes

Crystal

from Greece

(

Greek Ministry of

of Athens, 1988), #44.

S.

1

37,

On

and

the the

2.

Documented

125.

Mountain

Way of

Light,

Dzogchen, compiled and edited by John Shane (London: Paul, 1986). p.

p.

Sutra,

Tantra

and

Roudedge Keg an

135.

reports to

Amnesty

International revealed the widespread

use of torture. Tibetan nuns raped with electric cattle prods by Chinese soldiers,

monks hung upside down and beaten with

paddles, the

list

Amnesty

International

human-rights abuses

is

in Tibet.

comes from such sources the International

nail-studded

of abuses and human-rights violations

wooden

extensive.

an important source of information for

More comprehensive information on

as the U.S.

Campaign

is

for Tibet

D.C., Humanitas International in

Tibet Committee

and

Menlo

Tibet

in

New

Tibet

York,

Watch in Washington,

Park, and .New? Tibet published

New York, New York The Snow Lion newsletter and catalog (P.O. Box 6483. Ithaca. New York 14851) is a helpful source of information on the situation in Tibet, Tibetan Buddhism and the Tibetan communitv-in-exile. bv the Office of Tibet, 107 East 31st Street, 10016.

3.

See note

3,

chapter 17, Five Point Peace Plan.

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2

Page numbers

AA

(Alcoholics

in

Anonymous), 354 275—77

italics

refer to illustrations.

archetypes, Jungian, 144

Abuelas de la Plaza del Mayo,

Artemis, 52, 145, 146-47, 335, 337-38

Acevedo, Maria, 276

Arya, 165

Acevedo, Sebastian, 276

Asher, Leah, 21

Adams,

Asherah, 145

Lilly,

addiction,

243

44—47

Aspiazu, Jose, 261

recovering from, 151-52 Adella, Sister, 256,

258

Aitken, Robert, 77, 323 Alberta, Sister,

266-67, 278

alchemy, 150-51, 152, 289, 337 Alcoholics

Anonymous (AA), 354

alcoholism, 44-47, 354 see also

Astarte, 145, 146, 336, 358

Asura Cave, 66 asuias,

26

Atisa,

166

Attis,

145

Auboyneau,

Cyril,

306-8, 317, 322

Auschwitz, 234-40, 241, 242 Avalokitesvara, 61-62, 89, 107, 166

addiction

Alexander the Great, 336

Avalon, Arthur (Sir John Woodroffe),

AUende, Salvador, 276 Alone of All Her Sex

352 "Ayiasma" (Ekelof), 180, 362 Aztecs, 247

Amnesty

Banskota, A. K., 31, 36, 37-38, 41

AUione, Tsultrim, 77, 78, 79, 356

(Wamer), 355 American Bar Association, 365 International, 268, 371

Ananda, 116

Banyacya, Thomas, 328, 329, 330, 368

anger, 24

Baur, O., 140

ani,

denned, 60

Begg, Ean, 358 beggars, 97-98, 105, 127-28, 133

animal sacrifice, 25

annulments, 13

Beyer, Stephan, 22, 77

anti-Semitism, 242, 294

bhiksuni lineage,

Apocalypse,

Book

of,

1

apparitions, see Medjugorje, apparitions wit-

nessed at

Biblicos,

Big

114-15, 116

258

Bend National

Park,

8-9

Birkenau, 237, 240

381

INDEX

382

history of, 75

blaclc

Mahay ana,

enlightenment stages and, 153, 370 of,

symbolism

of, 153,

288, 289, 337,

341-42

darkness

see also

20, 351

nuns and, 114-17

323

etymology

student-teacher relationships and, 69-71,

75 texts of, 33

Black Madonnas:

two main forms of, 20 Western practice of, 115, 117, 118

cultural migrations and, 50, 146

176-79, 260, 336, 337-38

in France,

see also

Tibetan Buddhism

Buddhist Peace Fellowship, 340

of, 51

literature on,

teachers of, 76, 77, 78, 94, 97,

338-39, 356, 369, 370

156-57

Isis vs.,

Jungian role

in

women

51-52

early Christian texts and,

49-50

Bujak,

Mexico, 246-48, 251-52, 260-61

Adam, 226-27

Byzantine Church, 189, 335

as political symbols, 155 as spiritual

as

Woman

development symbolized by, 142 in the Wilderness,

Czestochowa, Black Madonna

see also

Einsiedeln, Black Black Madonna,

"Black

52-53

Madonna

The (Gustafson),

Madonna and Child

at;

Warsaw"

154, 359

caste system, 18

Catholic Church, Catholicism:

annulments granted by,

John, 272

Blofeld, John, 109,

13,

187

Buddhism vs., 19-20 Central American refugees and, 252-58

291

355-56

female priests prohibited

Blyth, R. H., ix bodhicitta,

C,

Merced, 253-58, 263

Catholic Bishops of Texas, 264

(Sikorski), 291

Blikle,

la

Casa Romero, 252

360

Black Tara, 120 Blatz,

Cappannari, Stephen

Casa de

at

Fleeing

Camargue, 175-97, 337 C.A.N.D.L.E.S., 239

in,

187-88, 202,

229

denned, 107, 165

bodhisattva, 18, 165

Marian worship

bodhisattva vows, 68, 70, 118

masochistic behavior and, 209

Boehme, Jakob, 12, 53 Bogdan (taxi driver), 292, 296-98 border hospitality, 254-55

Medjugorje apparitions and, 306, 307, 318,

Boudhanath, Great Stupa

34

at,

of, 21

Central America:

workers

religious

Buddha (Siddhartha Gautama) (Sakyamuni

see also refugees,

Buddha): of,

17,

background 115-16

historical

Tara and

18-19, 166 of,

17-18, 56, 72,

Buddha Mahakashyapa, 34 Buddhas, four, 34

Buddhism: in,

25

on Buddha emanations, 310-11 ceremonies of, 68-69, 70, 71, 108-9, 244of,

107

emptiness, concept of, 341-42 evil as

ignorance

Champa

Lodro:

in,

of,

162, 271

Green Tara initiation given by, 174, 175, 246 on Tara, 163-66, 331-34, 361 as teacher, 370 U.S. visit of, 327 Chatwin, Bruce, 197 Chenrisig, 89

Chernobyl, nuclear accident

245, 246, 327, 328

compassionate component

266—67, 270

Ceres, 359-60 Chagdud Tulku, 341

background 119

animal sacrifice prohibited

in,

Central American

author visited by, 331-32, 334

166

as teacht., 18, 19,

159

320 sexism

Brodyaga, Lisa, 267

enlightenment

in,

241

female enlightenment and, 21, 95, 163-64

at,

203 children:

INS policies and, 267-68 on meditation retreats, 340

128, 131-32,

INDEX China, People's Republic of, Tibet oppressed by, 3, 87,

383

Czestochowa, Black Madonna

88-89, 329, 348-49, 371

Chisos Mountains, 8

background

Chod, 369

Byzantine Church and, 335 Everest), 22

Chos Kyi Nyima: background of, 64

51-52, 160, 161 in, 144

as

Cleary,

263

pilgrimage arrival as political

225

at,

symbol, 155, 190-91, 263, 280,

286 roadside shrines to, 199

movement

and, 279-81, 281,

293-96

U.S. copy of, 256, 25 7, 272

Czestochowa, Tex., Black Madonna

in,

256,

Czestochowa, Warsaw pilgrimage

to, 203,

209, 226-27, 281

advice offered for, 179, 181, 195, 202, 223

distance of, 167

252

fatality suffered on,

colors:

enlightenment stages and, 153, 370

288-89, 337, 341-42

CoMadres (Committee of Mothers and Relatives

of Political Prisoners, Disappeared and Assassinated of El Salvador),

206

on Feast of the Assumption, 167 government surveillance and, 171, 172-73, 199, 204-5, 214-18 Group 15 Gold on, 196, 197, 199, 230-32 group organization

276-77

in,

183, 196, 201, 221,

222

206-10

compassion, 107

hardships

concentration camps, 234-42

masses

confession, 210, 211

origin of, 183,

conversion experiences, 310, 320

overnight accommodations on, 200

cotTalon, defined,

289-

children on, 208, 209

Saint, 161

Colafrancesco, Terry, 305, 306

of, 153,

vs.,

arrival of, 220-25 ceremony of apology on, 220-21

100

Thomas, 77 Clement of Alexandria,

Lagos

257, 272

53-54, 161

in,

los

patron of Poland, 50, 190-91

290

Catholic Church, Catholicism

symbolism

337

physical descriptions of, 191-92, 225,

159, 161

in,

Christ in the Desert Monastery, 14

Colon i as,

Madonna de

286, 290,

early female deities in,

mystical tradition

288-89

healing abilities of, 220, 225, 260

75

jungian archetypes found

chuba,

of,

ecumenical symbol, 197

Solidarity

Christianity:

Marian worship

189-90

of,

as grain protectress,

69, 70-71, 310 mother of, 338 rose symbolism and, 24 S on sacred sites, 66-67 on Tara image at Pharping, 64-65 as teacher, 69-71, 74, 75, 76-77, 103 on visualization, 102 Christian Gnostic Gospels, 50-51

see also

darkness as

Buddhist ceremonies administered by, 68,

vs.,

(Madonna of

daily viewing periods for, 190, 192, 193

Chogyey Trichen, 94

Chomolungma (Mount

Buddhism

at

Jasna Gora), 194, 228

255, 264

of,

for,

progress

of,

181, 204,

229-31 290

198, 204, 213, 218, 220

222-23

Cortes, Hernando, 259

rosary said on, 212-13,

Cortez, Pete, 259, 260, 261, 262

singing on, 199, 201-2, 203, 204, 208,

cosmic red, 288-89

218-19

cosmology, 153-54

size of, 182,

Craig, Mary, 319,

washing

367

195-96, 199, 290

facilities

on, 207

Craighead, Meinrad, 161 crematoria, 238-39, 240

"Cry

for Land, A,"

Dalai

366

Cult of Tara, The (Beyer), 22,

Lama (Tenzin

Gyatso), 91, 34)

author's audience with, 80, 82,

77

author's

358

dream

of,

91-96

168-69, 287

Cushman, Jim, 267-68

Buddhist nuns and, 114, 115 ceremonies performed by, 327, 328, 346

Cybele, 145, 146

ebullience of, 96

Cult of the Black Virgin, The (Begg),

8

INDEX

384

Lama (Tenzin Gyatso)

Dalai

on enemies

as teachers,

in exile, 87,

88-89,

1

1

(com.

Group

)

30—31, 139

IS

Gold headed

by, 183, 196,

10

in

Krakow, 233

Five Point Peace Plan of, 329, 349, 368

name day

on mental attitude, 129-30, 346-48 monastery of, 100 Nobel Peace Prize awarded to, 345, 346

physical appearance of, 183 playfulness of, 202

physical appearance of, 129

on

political issues

and, 130-31, 294, 329,

346-49

public lectures given by, 128-31, 244, 245,

346-48 reputation of, 89 security precautions established for, 128

U.S. visited by, 327,

215-18

secret police,

singing efforts of, 204, 218

on Walesa, 290-91 on women priests, 202 Dorje Phagmo, 357 Dowie, Anne, 347 Keith, 28

Doyle, Tara:

background

49, 355

of,

on Buddha Tara, 49

175

of,

celebration given for, 201

prayers led by, 212-13, 222-23

Dowman,

on sexual equality, 95, 96 on Tara, 94-95 on teachers, 93-94 Tibetan palace

345-49

Buddhist ceremonies undergone by, 68, 69,

dark matter, 153-54

70, 71

Chos Kyi Nyima and, 64

darkness:

divergent symbolic meanings

of,

152, 173

meditation and, 67, 68, 72

of female gods, 30-31

Nepal

transformation process and, 150-52

on Pharping excursion,

see also

Dasara,

black

Prema (Kelzang Drolkar), 121-26, 129

Davis Mountains, 8

Dawa Drolma, deity yoga,

slide

show presented

by, 48—49 59-60

trek led by, 50 Dragan (Yugoslavian guide), 302-3, 304, 316 Dragicevic, Ivan, 306, 312, 314-15, 317

Drolma, 165

Dudjom Rinpoche, 329

1 1

Delhi:

dulia,

84-85 121, 124-27

159

political tension in,

Dupchok

railway travel to,

Durga, 25-28, 30, 50

79,

58,

Dragicevic, Mirjana, 319

341

death squads, 271, 273, 366

deloa,

230-

232

Gyaltsen, 99, 100-104, 106, 108, 120

dying, process of, 324-27, 370

356

Demeter, 359, 360 DePazzi, Maria Madalena, 54

Eastern Orthodox Church,

De

Eckhart, Johannes (Meister Eckhart), 53, 161

Schmidt, Aurora Camacho, 365

de Vaca, Alvar Nunez Cabeza, 8

Eight Fears, 100, 332

Dharamsala, 86, 114

Einsiedeln, Black

Madonna

Dharma, 69, 119, 120 Diamond Sangha, 77

cultural roots of,

Diana, 52, 335, 337

darkness

chapel

of,

1

36,

1

50,

1

1

59

at,

140

54

Diego, Juan, 246—48

156-S8 49-50, 135, 139, 154-56 18th-century restoration of, 155-56

Dilgo Khyentse, 94

healing powers attributed to, 139

Diopeies,

hymn sung

335

disappeared, the,

275-77

Divina Pastora, La,

338

Dolma

Gyari,

of,

137-38

Kali vs., 50, 57, 134, 135, 157

90-91

physical descriptions of, 49, 50,

Dominik, Father, 203

on Auschwitz-Birkenau 238, 240

to,

Jung on, 156

political visit,

confessions heard by, 210,

234-35, 237-

St.

svmbolism

211-12

136-37

155

Meinrad and, 148-50, 152, 154 development symbolized by, 142

spiritual

on Czestochowa Madonna, 197, 289-91 English-speaking skills of, 197, 210, 21 1-12

of,

storv of, 360 Ekelof,'

Gunnar, 180

Ekner, Reidar,

1

34

—

9

INDEX

385

famiK background 250. 127-21

Bade, Mnxia. 3S6 r_

nl. =

it:*

•

n

-"j"

*.".•"

rr.»t

Mack-nm

r;

pobcv

akl

S

tor.

marriages

24S-7I, 322

of.

1

:

ntwiiui irm experiences

252-53 :-

M

:-".--:

67-61 74-75

asnt-other. 13

Buddha,

brmmn. «««,

18-19. 166

17.

21.

Nepali

16-17, 20-21,

of.

102-4

"_.

M U

14

"niliimi

li

143

15

of,

jJiJ -f SB experienced by. 35-43

163-64

ime given

370

stages of,

249-

.-

rt.

H_-___i-i_-

:•-.

261

:r_-.-r.z.-

of historical

167. 186, 246.

of,

t

-

_r.

273, 274

far,

poirtxal violence in. 26*

U

:::-:-

::'

Elder. Jack. 233

to.

experiences

71 of,

9-13, 14

Ephrata. 53 = '•--«-

Evan

:-.

~5-t-_-_£

Choden.^ 340-41

godof.

•',-

30-31

:-:-

.

•Mtherfaood and. 53-54. 158. 161

m

at. 130. 133.

natural settings, 49. 50

need

160-61 149

for.

sabeth Scot-safer. 161 fiscber. Carer. 331

1-— -J

13.

;-,-_-.;

r.zzzzs.zr.z>.

:-;_i~.

:

:

_r"rl

Eofc

—— -!

_

:••-

Mi_-i

249 210-11

Forcnp. Caxorvn. forgn-eness,

162

145

God, female images of 1 5 the Mother. 158, 161 Goethe, Johann Wolfgang --on. 52 ,

r: .-

Four

1

:

— t-;

None

:_--;]

Truths,

1

Fax, Matthew. 160-61

Gaida Bough. The (Frazer"

France, Black -----

176-79. 260. 336.

5_r

Gt-U-»

^

-38

i

rrsz-

in,

>-.-

35•

'

_.i

:

U3

z-.-zri-

:--

::•

.r.

r_Lr.

_r_

'

t,

::-t_:~.t

l":-~~

:.5i::-ri-rt

-_-.-

Great Mother, 287, 288, 336-37 _•

_z

'.

r -s~~

Z-fr.

:_:—_. :• ; — "-

peace activisn. and, 242—43

51

:5"

::f

_•"—".

rrr.i*.-r—i_-. "Ur.tr.-er

"'

-'

-

--_^l-j_

*41 '•"ttr.

3

7ke (Taranthai. 361

fj

'

j

_-:•-_-

Coflms and LaPier-

W-r.

;:'

:•_.--_-:

•

God

-

:

_ _._.-_:-

t^itrr:

i:

126-27, 340 -

'

20-21

Green Tara: aJacritr of, 100, 101

i.

Catholic background of. 13, 14-15, 19-20.

102-3, 138-39, 186-87, 211-13 ^—~~ -" -:-•::'

-r-.:

:39-42. 353

_.-.;-

=

l.__t

color of. 30

:'::

:-

in aspect of, 107

244-45 VkgiDof. 246-48 in. 266-67 for, 174, I7S

244

".

5

3

INDEX

386

Gunther, Marita, 325

initiations, 70,

Gustafson, Fred, 148-52, 154, 155, 156, 157,

Inner Mechanisms of the Healing Response,

360 Gyalwa Karmapa,

"In Quest of the Black Virgin" (Moss and Cap-

Gyatso, Tenzin,

367 1 1

Dalai

see

Lama

pannari), 359 INS (Immigration and Naturalization Service), 252, 255, 258, 263-65, 268, 364, 366 Institute for Noetic Sciences, 367

Gypsies, 176

Hagia Sophia, 335 "Hail Mary,"

108-9, 244-45, 246, 327

212-13

Buddhist School of Dialectics,

Institute for

Hancock, Lee, 159-60

INS

Hannibal, 146

International Conference

v. Catdoza-Fonseca,

366 Hayden, Delores, 355

International

"Healing Mind, The," 305

Iracka,

Anna, 288

Heart sutra, 33, 42

Ishtar,

145-47

Helcate, 147

Isis,

Hatfield, Larry D.,

1

14

265

on Buddhist Nuns,

114

Red

Cross, 235, 237

145, 147, 156-57, 335, 336, 337

Henderson, Jane, 160 Hildegarde of Bingen, 53, 161

Jamyang Choling,

Himalayas, deforestation of, 2

Jankowsky, Monsignor, 280-81, 282, 283-84, 286, 293

Hinduism:

Japanese Zen Buddhism:

animal sacrifice and, 25 female deities

of,

25-28

Great Mother Goddess sacred sites

of,

feminine images

vs.,

Jasna Gora,

29

Black

Hindus, Sikhs' political differences with, 84, Hider, Adolf, 237, 242

Hymn

Jelich, Nives, 316, 317, 321

Jetsun Kushola, 340-41, 370

287

Jewish Museum, 238

352-53

159

icons, 189,

Joan of Arc, Saint, 338 John Casimir, King of Poland, 191

289

John Paul

Ikona Wlodzimierska,

II,

Pope, 366

Johnson, Wendy, 340

Ignatius, Saint, 52

illness, spiritual

of:

183

Swedish military attack on, 191

to the Goddess,

hyperdulia,

Czestochowa,

336-37

seal of,

307-8

to Kali,

of,

see

pilgrimage initiated by, 183

190, 336

Hopis, 328-29, 330, 368

Hymns

22

Madonna of, Madonna at

Jasna Gora, Monastery

name

86, 87, 133

holiness,

in,

Mahayana Buddhism and, 20

287

60

of, 56,

Tibetan Buddhism

Hodeaetria,

1 1

289

path found through, 79-80

Immaculate Conception, Our Lady

of,

259

Juan Diego, 246-48 Julian of Norwich, 53, 161 Jung, Carl:

Inanna, 145

on on on on

India:

students

Immigration and Naturalization Service (INS), 252, 255, 258, 263-65, 268, 364, 366

imminence, 370

caste system of, 18

independence gained by, 133

addiction,

47

alchemy, 150-51, 152 archetypes, 144

Madonna of

Einsiedeln,

of, 50,

141

Jung Institute, 50, 135, 148 Jurek (Polish driver), 195, 196

Polish connection with, 132

84-87, 121-22, 128 123-24 121, 124-27

political tensions in,

Kabbalah, 351

public prayer in,

Kahawai, 11, 78, 99

railway travel

in,

Indian Country (Matthiessen),

Indrahar Pass, 109

368

Kalachakra, 327, Kalff,

328

Dora, 141-42, 162, 358

Kalff, Martin, 142,

162

1

56

5

S

INDEX on meditation practices, 102-4, 106-8 on Tara, 100, 106-8

Kali:

consort

29

of,

creation

of,

darkness

26

Lodi Gardens, 244

27-28

Luke, Gospel According

of,

Madonna

Eins)edeln

of,

56—57

Machado, Antonio, 74 Machig Labdron, 143, 338, 369

McLeod

26-27

as warrior,

Kalsang

Ngodup

Shaklho, 92

sect,

los Lagos,

251-52, 260—

261

Madie de

328

los

Desapareados (Mother of the Disap-

peared), 273, 274

340

Katagiri Roshi,

Madies de

Kelpius, Johann, 12, 53, 355

Kennedv Memorial Human Rights Award, 277

Robert

Ganj, 87

.Madonna de San Juan de

Kannon, 22 Kargyu

360

luminescence, 370

176

30-31, 59-60, 157

vs.,

to,

Luke, Saint, 189

338

vs.,

peaceful depiction of,

Tara

50, 54, 134, 135, 157

vs.,

Gvpsv meaning

Mary

387

F.

la

275-77

Plaza del .Mayo,

146

.Magna Mater,

'

Kenyon, David

V.,

366

Mahaprajapati, 115-16 mahasiddhas,

1

and Compassicm (Gvatso), 96

Kindness, Garity

King, Martin Luther,

Jr.,

mala,

30

mandala, 68

294, 362

koans, 68, 77, 99

Mani Rimbu, Mara, 18-19

KOR

Marv:

Kisen, Sekito, ix

(Workers Defense Committee), 285, 367

Krakow, Poland, 233 Kramer, Samuel Noah, 145

as divine

238

power, 158-59, 161

273-75 342—43

as fierce protectress,

image

jovful

of,

Kali vs., 338

Yin, 22

Tara

Duke

of Opole, 183

vs.,

160, 310-11, 336

147

virginity of,

Lahsang, 346, 349

worship prescribed

Lakshmi, 15

see also

for,

1

59

Medjugorje, apparitions witnessed at

Marys, three, 176, 177

lamas:

hierarchy of,

93-94

reincarnation

of,

Matthew, Father, 139, 167 Matthiessen, Peter, 368

100, 102

Lao Tzu, 170 latria,

Maya, Queen,

LeksheTsomo, Le Puy,

105, 113-14,

116-19

272-73

Vierge Soir at,

Works and

of,

16—17, 67

visualization in,

Madonna

176-79, 260, 336, 337

Librarv of Tibetan

meditation:

rudiments

338

Les Saintes-Maries-de-la-Mer, Black in,

1 1

Mechtild of Magdeburg, 53

159

Lentz, Robert,

Archives, 88,

120

67-68, 70

walking, 205

Medjugorje, apparitions witnessed apocalvptic overtones

ecumenical nature

of,

of,

305-6, 317-18

government reaction

Linear-B script, 147

healing incidents and, 306,

Lobsang Tsephel, 244—45, 246

messages

of,

onset

299, 302

276-77

Locho, 99-108, 120, 162

on lamas reincarnation, 100, 102 '

of,

petitions to,

at:

318-19, 321

Lindegger, Peter, 143, 144-48, 156, 336, 359

locos,

335-38,

358, 359

Kunsang Dechen (Yum Kusho), 338-39, 369

Ladislaus,

3

cultural origins of, 144-48, 157,

Kordecki, Augustin, 191

Kwan

20, 351

Mahisa (Mahisasura), 26

24

khata, defined,

Kristallnacht,

66

Mahayana Buddhism,

Khampas, 90

to,

306

308—

307-8, 316-22

313-14

pilgrims to, 300-301, 304, 305

INDEX

388

Medjugorje, apparitions witnessed at (com.) visionaries of,

302-3, 304-5, 312, 314-15,

316

Newari

29

culture,

Newsweek, 50 151, 152, 153, 336

nigredo,

Meinrad, Saint, 148-50, 151, 152, 154, 161, 337

nirvana, defined, 18

Memory of Fire (Galeano), 247

Nobel Peace

Merkt, Stacey Lynn, 252, 253, 265, 268, 272

nonviolence, 130, 285, 286, 294

Merton, Thomas, 233

Notre

Mexico:

nuclear weapons, 329, 330

Black

Madonnas

of,

246-48, 251-52, 260-61

Immaculate Conception Madonnas

in,

259

Dame

Prize, 291, 345, 346,

362

337

de Confession,

nuns, Buddhist, 114-17 Nyingmapa School, 29, 329

Michener, James, 132 Michnik, Adam, 171, 285-86

Olson, Charles, 44

migrant workers, 262, 263

Order of the

260 243

defined,

milagritos,

military service,

53,

Woman

in the Wilderness,

1

2,

355

O'Reagan, Brendan, 305-6, 367

Milosz, Czeslaw, 278, 324

Origin of the Tara Tantra, The (Tarantha), 361

Monastery of Einsiedeln, 136, 137 Monastery of Jasna Gora, see Jasna Gora,

Osiantinski, Ewa, 281, 292, 299, 300

Monastery of monastic practice, 114-15, 137, 339

monsoons, 1-2 Montserrat, Black

Madonna

of,

Osiantinski, Wiktor,

281-82

Our Lady of Guadalupe, 155 Our Lady of Montserrat, 192, 337 Our Lady of the Immaculate Conception, 259

192, 337

Moore, Jonathon, 268, 271 Morel, Father, 176-77

"Moses and the Shephard" (Rumi), 299 Moss, Leonard W., 154, 359 Mothergod, 161 motherhood: active view vs. passive vision of, 273-75 divinity of, 53-54, 147-48

Pa dm a Amrita, 341

Padmasambhava,

24, 29, 66,

339

50-51, 161

Pagels, Elaine,

Palden Lhamo, 59, 60 Paracelsus, 174 Pasierb, Janusz,

Paul

I,

288-89

Saint, 192

Paul the Hermit, Saint, 336

joyful aspects of,

343

Pausanias, 147

as spiritual path,

78

Pavlovic, Marija, 304-5, 308-9, 311, 314-21,

Mothers of the Disappeared, 275-76 Mother Worship (Preston, ed.), 49, 359

Mountaineering Center,

1

10

322 Peace Project, 243-44, 279, 323

Penados del Barrio, Prospero, 366

Mount Everest (Chomolungma), 22 Mount Tamalpais, 346

Persephone, 359

Murcott, Susan, 77, 78, 358

Pharping, Tara image

Peter, Uncle, 251

49, 58, 59-65, 61,

at,

94

Muslims, 318

pilgrimage:

to Czestochowa, see Czestochowa,

Nagarjuna, 361 Nahuatl, 247

name

days, 201

to

Namgyal Monastery, 100 National

Warsaw

pilgrimage to

Academy of

Science, 330

Madonna de San Juan de

walking experience Pius IX, Pope, 359

National Refugee Rights Project, 264

Pius XI, Pope, 248

Native Americans, 328-30, 368

Podbrdo

Nazis:

Poland:

Hill,

302, 304,

concentration camps run by, 235-42

air pollution in,

INS

anti-Semitism

neo-Nazis,

241-42

Neumann,

Erich,

255

48

los Lagos,

261

212

Pilgrimage for Active Peace, 346

National Council on Alcoholism, 354

policies vs.,

of,

221,

in,

309-10 234-35

295

Communist government 221

of,

170-73, 185,

INDEX government surveillance

in,

215-18, 296—

297, 298

in,

219-20

name dav political

celebrations

changes

refugees, Central American:

190-91

military history of,

in,

at

201

279, 280, 282, 283,

in,

Casa de

taxi regulations in, 292,

Merced, 253-58, 263

267-68

as,

flow

252, 364, 365

of,

policies and, 255, 258,

263-65, 365,

366

297

movement

Solidarity

la

children

INS

284, 296

see also

Cross, 264 Tara, 341

Refugee Act (1980), 265, 365

Indian connection with, 132

medical care

Red Red

389

267-68, 365

legal services for, 258,

Poland (Michener),'l32

political violence suffered by,

Polish people:

Sanctuary

dry

humor

203

of,

Book of, 52-53 Ricardo (Honduran refugee), 256-58 Revelation,

207

asylum, 263-65, 364, 365, 366, 367

234-35

pollution, 221,

356

Religions of Tibet (Tucci),

292

hospitality of, 282,

politeness of,

Rigdzin Ling, 341 Rige

Champa

Choling, 361

"Praise of Khadiravani Tara" (Nagarjuna), 361

Rio Grande River, 9-11, 251

hajnaparamita, 33, 42

Rio Grande Valley:

Prakrit,

176

Pravirti,

19

agriculture

in,

250-51

Central American refugees

123-24

prayer, public,

prayer wheels, 34,

1

255-56, 266-71

and, 252-53, 268

reincarnation, 100, 102

flowers given by, 292

political

movement

in,

252-53,

263-65, 364

24

roadside shrines, 199

Precepts for the Order of Interbeing (Thich

F. Kennedv Memorial Award, 277 Rock Slide, 10-11

Robert

Human

Rights

'

Nhat Hanh), 323, 363 Preston, James J., 359 priests,

women, 187-88,

Rodriguez, Pedro, 261-62

202, 229

ProBar, 365^

Roman

Proserpina, 359

Romero, Oscar, 252, 322, 366

Room

Protestantism, 159, 160

hoytao puja,

Lbertad, 258,

267-68, 365

roses,

Punjab, political tension Purisima, La,

in,

86-87, 121-22

259

212-13, 222-23 of, 245—48

Roy, Sunil, 84, 132

Rumi, 299

66-67

sacred

quintessence, 153

Sackmasa, Chief, 330

50-53

sites,

sadhanas, St.

Ra, 177

355-56

Brygid's Church, 280, 281-82, 283

St Victor's Church, 337 Sakya Lama, 93-94

racism, 152, 242 radiance,

145, 146

symbolism

Quakers, 53

Quispel, Gilks,

in,

of Children, 236

rosary,

defined, 29

Empire, Cvbele cult

370

Sakyamuni,

Rahula, 18, 351

Rakowski (Polish

see

Buddha

Sakya Trizin, 370 politician), 282, 293,

300

Samdhang Dorjc Phagmo, 102

Ramprasad, 30-31, 353 Rand, Yvonne, 326-27, 331, 340 rangjung, 65, 120

Sandokai (Kisen), ix

94

Sandvoss, Inge, 341

rangjung lamas,

ravens, symbolic role played by,

336-37

Sanctuarv movement, 252-53, 268, 322, 365

San Francisco Zen Center. leadership difficulties

Reagan, Ronald, 203 red, cosmic,

149-50, 151.

Sanchez, Brenda, 253, 268-71, 367

288-89

of,

67

Soto Zen School and, 20 see also

Green Gulch Farm

D

390

sangha, defined, 67,

69

resistance tactics used by, 285-86, 294,

Madonna

San Juan, Tex., Black

249, 251 —

at,

259-62

252, 253,

Santa Elena,

Soto Zen School, 20

9-10

South Africa,

Santa Maria Maggiore, 190 Sara, Saint,

298

Solomon, King, 145

176

Sanskrit,

X

E

176-79, 178, 260, 336

Sarah, Saint, 192,

spiritual

336

development, Black Madonna

of,

142-43, 162

Champa Lodro

political Sri

initiation and, 174,

literary efforts of,

175

369-70

made

Tara retreat

by, 142

Schell, Jonathan, 285,

339-40 movements and, 294

Devi, 59

Strohmeyer, Marian, 254-56, 259, 263, 278

286

stupa, defined,

34

Schmidt, Erik Hein, 65, 66, 71, 77

Suddhodana, 18

scopalamine, 39, 353

suffering, 19,

Acevedo Movement Against Torture,

276

68 Sumbha, 26-27 58

sunyasin, defined,

Supreme Court,

security procedures, 128 selective service,

370

Stuart, Maurine, 340,

student-teacher relationships, 69-71, 75

327, 331

visit of,

265

U.S.,

Suro, Robert, 364

243

Swayambhunath, 72 Sweden, Poland invaded by, 190-91

Senesh, Hannah, 238 Sera Monastery, 334

340

Swierczyna, Bernard, 238

Seven American Utopias (Hayden),

355

syncretism, 359

29-30, 117-18

sexuality,

Shakers, S3

Taking Refuge, 68-69

Shamanism (Eliade), 356

Tantra of Great Liberation, 27

Shekinah, 54, 355

Tantric Mysticism

Sherpas,

3,

of

Tibet,

The (Blofeld), 109,

355-56

22

tantric practices, 29, 70, 108-9,

Shikibu, Izumi, 241

Siddhartha Gautama,

see

Buddha

85-86, 87, 133 Tomasz, 291, 292, 296-98

Tara:

Sikhs, 84,

Black, 120

Sikorski,

boat imagery and, 336

Simon, Paul, 128

as

Simple Treasures (Johnson),

Sisters

340

287

74-75 movement:

legalization of, 171

95

fierceness of, 30, 342, 352

of, 196, 221,222, 224 Czestochowa Madonna and, 224, 263, 279-81, 281, 286, 290, 293-96

Gdansk headquarters

female enlightenment and, 163-64 as feminist,

banner

of, 171,

59-60

333

Slavko, Father, 304, 311, 312, 313

development

107

enlightenment achieved by, 21, 95, 165,

Sixteenth Karmapa, 328

Solidarity

of,

emptiness symbolized by, 341-42

of Mercy, 253, 254

sobriety,

Buddha, 158, 165-66, 333

compassion

cultural origins of,

defined, 3

Slavic culture,

117-18,

355-56

Shiva, 28, 29, 56

sirdar,

sym-

lay practice of,

audience, 163, 164,

166

Green Tara

sesshin,

as

addiction recovery and, 45, 47

background

Sebastian

90

of,

spirituality:

Sawas, Carol:

U.S.

problems

bol of, 142

Sarnowski, Kryziek, 199

at

racial

Spark from Heaven (Craig), 367

284-86 for,

282, 283

forms of, 30, 54, 58, 108, 332, 341, 361 Green, 30, 100, 101, 107, 174, 175, 244245, 246, 334, 357

hymns

to,

58-59, 82, 123-24, 333-34,

368-69 initiation ceremony and, 70 361,

INDEX in

independence sought by, 346, 348-49

Japanese Zen Buddhism, 22

mantra

Mary

legendary origins

30-31, 59-60, 157

Kali vs.,

vs.,

168, 310-11,

336

tika

spiritual

powder used

development symbolized by, 142 163-65, 331, 332-34, 342

as tantric deity,

word

for,

four main schools

Hinduism

vs.,

328

of,

29

male-female symbolic union

29 165

Twenty-one aspects

self-arising

of, 30, 108,

163

White, 23, 30, 107, 333

images

sexual union

in,

in,

65, 120

29-30

student-teacher relationship stressed

Tara

teachers:

visualization practices of,

students' relationships with, 69-71, 75 76, 77, 78, 94, 97, 119-20,

338-39, 356, 369, 370

339

Texas Conferences of Churches, 264 Theotokos,

S.,

62-64

335

Theravada Buddhism, 20, 351 Therigata,

masters

55, 77,

166

in,

108-9

338-39, 356, 369

Zen Buddhism vs., 356 Buddhism tin trade, 337-38 130-31

Tonantzin, 247 transformation, color symbolism

of,

289

translucence, 370 travel, security

terrorism, 128

Thapa, G.

75

see also

tolerance,

Tempelman, David, 361 Temple of Diana, 52 Tenzin Geyche Tethong, 92, 95, 96 termas,

in, 21, 22,

women

130-31 selection of, 118-19 as,

as,

in,

117-18,

355-56

Tara Tullcu, 310 Tashi Tsering, 120

women

1Q2-3

tantric practices in, 29, 70, 108-9,

Tarantha, Jo-nan, 361

enemies

in,

origins of, 24

Tibetan progenitor, 61

Tibetan

in, 3

flower imagery and, 244-46

on, 289

stories of,

as

Chinese attack on, 88-89

compassion stressed

Red, 341 red

114-15, 116

bhiksuni lineage in,

Pharping, 49-50, 58, 59-65, 61, 94

at

61-62

of,

Tibetan Buddhism:

106

of,

391

procedures and, 128

Trogme, Jane, 341 Troma, 341 Tucci, Guiseppi, 356 Tulku, defined, 64 Tulshig Rinpoche, 24, 25

Tushita Meditation Center, 109-13

78

Thich Nhat Hanh:

Twenty-one

Praises to Tara, 123-24,

368-69

children taught by, 340

fourteen ethical precepts of, 243, 244, 323,

362-63

Ugratara, 30 unions, American attitudes toward, 263

pacifism of, 243, 279

walking meditation taught by, 205, 321

"United States Refugee Policy and Central America" (De Schmidt), 365 of, 66-67 Renewing Border Detentions" 364-65

Third Reich, 265

uranium, natural locations

Thomas, Gospel of, 50 Thupten Jinpa, 92 Thupten Sangye, 120 Thurman, Robert, 357, 370 Thyangboche Monastery, 3, 24 Tiananmen Square, 349

"U.S.

Is

(Suro),

Vajrayana, 70, 108-9 Varanasi, 56

Venus, 147, 148

Tibet:

Vidya, 353

Chinese repression

in, 3, 87,

88-89, 329,

348-49, 371 environmental damage

to,

329

Five Point Peace Plan for, 329, 368

four main monasteries history of,

in,

87-89, 90-91

334

Vietnamese Buddhist Peace Delegat on, 362

Vietnam War, 243 Pancho, 9

Villa,

Virgen de San

Juan

262 Virgin, see

Mary

del Voile,

251-52, 253, 259-

1

INDEX

392

Virgin Kardiotissa,

342—43 246-48

enlightenment achieved by, 21, 163-64

Virgin of Guadalupe, visas, 128,

spiritual practice for, 339,

171

119-20,

338-39, 356, 369, 370

Vishnu, 15 visionaries,

340—41

as teachers, 76, 77, 78, 94, 97,

302-3, 304-5, 312, 314-15, 316

74-75, 108-9

visualization techniques, 70,

Women

in the Wilderness, 12,

50

Women of Wisdom (Allione), 77 "Women Who Have Grown Old with Knowl-

Walesa, Lech, 295

edge," 358

access to, 281-82,

284

Woodroffe,

Sir

John (Arthur Avalon), 352

Czestochowa Madonna and, 279-80, 281, 290-91, 293-96

Workers Defense Committee (KOR), 285, 367

Nobel Prize awarded

Wysyzynski, Cardinal, 294

to,

291

296 government and, 284, 300 press conference given by, 293-96 walking, 73, 74, 80-81, 205-6, 212 Warner, Marina, 355 Wawel Casde, 132, 233 Weber, Andy, 101 white, cultural symbolism of, 337

worship, Catholic degrees

of,

1

59

physical appearance of, 292,

Polish

White, Meryl, 28

White Tara,

23,

Yeshe Tsogyel, 29, 338, 339, 369 Yiga Chozin Center for the Study of

Buddhism and Psychology,

107

300 (Kunsang Dechen), 338-39, 369

political tensions in,

Yum Kusho

the Virgin Black?" (Moss and Cap-

pannari), 50

Wiercinski, Andrzej,

zabuions, defined,

286-88

1 1

Zalecki, Jadwiga, 188, 189, 195,

Buddhist verse on, 25

author's friendship with,

spiritual transformations attained in, 13,

at

community

in,

12,

50

life of,

188

physical appearance of, 182

Warsaw

161, 335

pilgrimage and, 181, 182-84, 195

189-90

Wolkstein, Diane, 145

Zalecki, Marian,

womb

Zavko, Jozo, 306, 320, 321

imagery, 53, 54

Zen Buddhism,

women: as Christian clergy,

229

159-60, 187-88, 202,

184-88

Czestochowa Madonna, 190, 192, 193

home

150 Utopian

224-29

Zalecki, Josef:

wilderness:

Wisdom,

142,

162, 334

Adriatic coast of, 302 of,

peaceful aspect of, 30 Is

Yemaya, 338 Yeshe Dawa, 163-65, 332

Yugoslavia:

333

compassionate aspect

"Why

Yasodhara, 18

Zohar,

1,

20, 22

351

Zumarraga, Bishop, 247

acknowledgment is made for permission to reprint the following copyrighted works: Excerpt from tne Zohar from The Book of Enlightenment, translated and introduced by Daniel Ghana n Matt. By permission of Paulist Press. Grateful

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White Tara, Nepal, eighteenth century. Courtesy of The Asian Art Museum The Avery Brundage Collection, #B60 S22.

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