Interplay The Process of Interpersonal Communication Fifth Canadian Edition [5 ed.] 9780199033478, 9780199038701, 9780199033522

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Oxford University Press is a department of the University of Oxford. It furthers the University’s objective of excellence in research, scholarship, and education by publishing worldwide. Oxford is a registered trade mark of Oxford University Press in the UK and in certain other countries. Published in Canada by Oxford University Press 8 Sampson Mews, Suite 204, Don Mills, Ontario M3C 0H5 Canada www.oupcanada.com Copyright © Oxford University Press Canada 2020 The moral rights of the author have been asserted Database right Oxford University Press (maker) First Edition published in 2006 Second Edition published in 2009 Third Edition published in 2012 Fourth Edition published in 2016 Original edition published by Oxford University Press, Inc., 198 Madison Avenue, New York, N.Y. 10016-4314, USA. All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, without the prior permission in writing of Oxford University Press, or as expressly permitted by law, by licence, or under terms agreed with the appropriate reprographics rights organization. Enquiries concerning reproduction outside the scope of the above should be sent to the Permissions Department at the address above or through the following url: www.oupcanada.com/permission/permission_request.php Every effort has been made to determine and contact copyright holders. In the case of any omissions, the publisher will be pleased to make suitable acknowledgement in future editions. Library and Archives Canada Cataloguing in Publication Title: Interplay : the process of interpersonal communication / Ronald B. Adler, Constance Winder,    Lawrence B. Rosenfeld, Russell F. Proctor II. Names: Adler, Ronald B. (Ronald Brian), 1946- author. | Winder, Constance, 1961- author. |    Rosenfeld, Lawrence B., author. | Proctor, Russell F., II, author. Description: Fifth Canadian edition. | Includes bibliographical references and indexes. Identifiers: Canadiana (print) 20190202378 | Canadiana (ebook) 20190202386 | ISBN 9780199033478    (softcover) | ISBN 9780199038701 (looseleaf) | ISBN 9780199033522 (EPUB) Subjects: LCSH: Interpersonal communication—Textbooks. | LCGFT: Textbooks. Classification: LCC BF637.C45 A35 2020 | DDC 302.2—dc23 Cover image: Ion Barbu/EyeEm/Getty Images Cover design: Farzana Razak Interior design: Farzana Razak Oxford University Press is committed to our environment. Wherever possible, our books are printed on paper which comes from responsible sources. Printed and bound in the United States of America 1 2 3 4 — 23 22 21 20

Brief Contents Publisher’s Preface  xi Preface xviii

PART 1  |  FOUNDATIONS OF INTERPERSONAL COMMUNICATION Chapter 1 Interpersonal Process 2 Chapter 2 Communication and the Self 38 Chapter 3 Perceiving Others 78 Chapter 4 Emotions 110

PART 2  |  CREATING AND RESPONDING TO MESSAGES Chapter 5 Listening 142 Chapter 6 Language 174 Chapter 7 Non-verbal Communication 208

PART 3  |  DIMENSIONS OF INTERPERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS Chapter 8 Dynamics of Interpersonal Relationships 240 Chapter 9 Communication Climate 274 Chapter 10 Managing Conflict 304

PART 4  |  CONTEXTS OF INTERPERSONAL COMMUNICATION Chapter 11 Communication in Close Relationships: Friends, Family, and Romantic Partners 336 Chapter 12 Work, Group, and Team Communication 364 Glossary 393 References  400 Name index  455 Subject Index  457

Contents Publisher’s Preface  xi Preface xviii

PART 1  |  FOUNDATIONS OF INTERPERSONAL COMMUNICATION Chapter 1 Interpersonal Process  2 Why We Communicate  4 Physical Needs  5 Identity Needs  6 Social Needs  6 Practical Needs  7 The Communication Process  8 A Model of Communication  8 Insights from the Transactional Communication Model  8 Communication Principles  10 The Nature of Interpersonal Communication  12 Quantitative and Qualitative Definitions 12 Personal and Impersonal Communication: A Matter of Balance  15 Communication Misconceptions  16 Interpersonal Communication and Technology  17 Characteristics of Computer-Mediated Communication 18 Interpersonal Communication and Cultural Diversity  22 Culture 22 Intercultural Communication  23 Interpersonal and Intercultural Communication 24 Comparison of Canadian and US Culture  26 Attitudes toward Violence  26 Acceptance of Diversity  27

Relative Status of Men and Women  27 Communication Competence  28 Communication Competence Defined and Described 29 Characteristics of Competent Communication 31 Summary  34 Multiple-choice Questions  35 Activities  36 Discussion Questions  37 Journal Ideas  37 Chapter 2 Communication and the Self  38 Communication and the Self-Concept  40 How the Self-Concept Develops  43 Self-Concept Development in Context 45 Characteristics of the Self-Concept  48 The Self-Fulfilling Prophecy and Communication 51 Presenting the Self: Communication as Impression Management  54 Public and Private Selves  54 Characteristics of Impression Management 55 Why Manage Impressions?  58 How Do We Manage Impressions?  58 Identity Management and Honesty  60 Disclosing the Self  61 Self-Disclosure Factors  62 Models of Self-Disclosure  63 Benefits and Risks of Self-Disclosure  65 Alternatives to Self-Disclosure  68 Silence and Secrecy  68 Lying  69 Equivocation  70

Contents

Hinting 71 The Ethics of Evasion  72 Guidelines for Self-Disclosure  72 Is the Other Person Important to You?  72 Is the Risk of Disclosing Reasonable?  73 Is the Self-Disclosure Appropriate?  73 Is the Disclosure Reciprocated?  73 Will the Effect Be Constructive?  74 Summary  74 Multiple-choice Questions  75 Activities  76 Discussion Questions  77 Journal Ideas  77 Chapter 3 Perceiving Others  78 The Perception Process  80 Reality Is Constructed  80 Steps in the Perception Process  80 Influences on Perception  86 Access to Information  86 Physiological Influences  86 Psychological Influences  89 Social Influences  89 Cultural Influences  93 Common Tendencies in Perception  96 We Make Snap Judgments  96 We Cling to First Impressions  97 We Judge Ourselves More Charitably than We Do Others  98 We Are Influenced by Our Expectations 98 We Are Influenced by the Obvious  99 We Assume Others Are Similar to Us  100 Perceiving Others More Accurately  100 Perception Checking  101 Building Empathy  102 Summary  106 Multiple-choice Questions  107 Activities  108 Discussion Questions  109 Journal Ideas  109

Chapter 4 Emotions  110 What Are Emotions?  113 Physiological Changes  113 Cognitive Interpretations  114 Outward Expression  115 Influences on Emotional Expression  116 Personality 116 Culture 116 Gender 120 Social Conventions and Roles  120 Social Media  121 Emotional Contagion  121 Expressing Emotions Effectively  122 Recognize Your Feelings  122 Choose the Best Language  123 Share Multiple Feelings  124 Recognize the Difference between Feeling and Acting  124 Accept Responsibility for Your Feelings 125 Choose the Best Time and Place to Express Your Feelings  125 Managing Emotions  125 Facilitative and Debilitative Emotions 126 Thoughts as a Cause of Feelings  126 Irrational Thinking and Debilitative Emotions 128 Minimizing Debilitative Emotions  132 Maximizing Facilitative Emotions  134 Summary 136 Multiple-choice Questions 137 Activities 138 Discussion Questions 139 Journal Ideas 139

PART 2  |  CREATING AND RESPONDING TO MESSAGES Chapter 5 Listening  142 The Nature of Listening  144 The Importance of Listening  144 Listening Defined  145 Listening Styles  147

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The Challenge of Listening  148 Recognizing Barriers to Listening  148 Avoiding Poor Listening Habits  149 Components of Listening  150 Hearing 150 Attending 151 Understanding 151 Remembering 154 Responding 155 Types of Listening Responses  155 Silent Listening  156 Questioning 157 Paraphrasing 160 Empathizing 163 Supporting 164 Analyzing 165 Evaluating 166 Advising 166 Which Style to Use?  167 Summary  169 Multiple-choice Questions  170 Activities  171 Discussion Questions 172 Journal Ideas  172 Chapter 6 Language  174 The Nature of Language  176 Language Language Language Language

Is Symbolic  176 Is Governed by Rules  176 Is Subjective  178 and Worldview  179

The Influence of Language  180 Naming and Identity  180 Credibility and Status  183 Affiliation 184 Power and Politeness  185 Sexism 187 Sexual Orientation  188 Racism 189 Uses (and Abuses) of Language  190 Precision and Vagueness  190 The Language of Responsibility  195 Culture and Language  198 High- versus Low-context Cultures  198

Verbal Communication Styles  200 Code-Switching 200 Gender and Language  201 Extent of Gender Differences  201 Online Language and Gender  202 Non-Gender Influences on Language Use 203 Summary  204 Multiple-choice Questions  204 Activities  206 Discussion Questions  207 Journal Ideas  207 Chapter 7 Non-verbal Communication  208 Non-verbal Communication Defined  210 Characteristics of Non-verbal Communication 211 Non-verbal Communication Is Always Occurring  211 Non-verbal Communication Is Primarily Relational  212 Non-verbal Communication Is Ambiguous  212 Non-verbal Communication Occurs in Mediated Messages  213 Non-verbal Communication Is Influenced by Culture and Gender  215 Functions of Non-verbal Communication  218 Creating and Maintaining Relationships  218 Regulating Interaction  219 Influencing Others  219 Influencing Ourselves  220 Concealing/Deceiving  221 Types of Non-verbal Communication  222 Body Movement  222 Touch  224 Voice  225 Distance  227 Territoriality  229 Time 230 Physical Attractiveness  231 Clothing  231 Physical Environment  232

Contents

Summary  234 Multiple-choice Questions  235 Activities  236 Discussion Questions  237 Journal Ideas  238

PART 3  |  DIMENSIONS OF INTERPERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS Chapter 8 Dynamics of Interpersonal Relationships  240 Why We Form Relationships  242 Appearance 242 Similarity  243 Complementarity  244 Rewards  245 Competence  246 Proximity  247 Disclosure  247 Intimacy and Distance in Relationships  248 Forms of Intimacy  248 Forms of Distance  249 The Influence of Culture and Gender on Intimacy  250 Models of Relational Dynamics  253 Stages of Relational Development  253 Dialectical Tensions in Relationships  259 Characteristics of Relational Development  262 Communicating about Relationships  263 Content and Relational Messages  263 Maintaining and Supporting Relationships 265 Repairing Damaged Relationships  268 Summary  270 Multiple-choice Questions  270 Activities  272 Discussion Questions  272 Journal Ideas  273 Chapter 9 Communication Climate  274 What Is Communication Climate?  276 How Communication Climates Develop  276 Levels of Message Confirmation  277

Causes and Effects of Defensiveness  282 Climate Patterns  283 Creating Supportive Climates  283 Evaluation versus Description  285 Controlling Communication versus Problem Orientation  287 Strategy versus Spontaneity  287 Neutrality versus Empathy  289 Superiority versus Equality  289 Certainty versus Provisionalism  291 Invitational Communication  292 The Language of Choice  293 Responding Non-defensively to Criticism  294 Summary  299 Multiple-choice Questions 300 Activities  301 Discussion Questions  302 Journal Ideas 302 Chapter 10 Managing Conflict  304 What Is Conflict?  306 Expressed Struggle  307 Interdependence  307 Perceived Incompatible Goals  307 Perceived Scarce Resources  307 Inevitability  307 Conflict Styles  308 Avoidance (Lose–Lose)  309 Accommodation (Lose–Win)  310 Competition (Win–Lose)  311 Compromise   312 Collaboration (Win–Win)  313 Which Style to Use?  314 Conflict in Relational Systems  316 Complementary and Symmetrical Conflict 316 Serial Arguments  317 Toxic Conflict: “The Four Horsemen”  318 Conflict Rituals  319 Variables in Conflict Styles  321 Gender  321 Culture  322

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Conflict Management in Practice   324 Steps for the Win–Win Approach  325 Summary  330 Multiple-choice Questions  331 Activities  332 Discussion Questions  333 Journal Ideas  334

PART 4  |  CONTEXTS OF INTERPERSONAL COMMUNICATION Chapter 11 Communication in Close Relationships: Friends, Family, and Romantic Partners  336 Communication in Friendships  338 Types of Friendships  338 Friendships, Gender, and Communication  339 Friendship and Social Media  342 Communication in Successful Friendships  342 Communication in the Family  345 Creating the Family through Communication  345 Patterns of Family Communication  347 Families as Communication Systems  348 Effective Communication in Families  350 Communication in Romantic Relationships  355 Characteristics of Romantic Relationships  355 Effective Communication in Romantic Relationships   358 Summary  360 Multiple-choice Questions  361 Activities  362

Discussion Questions  363 Journal Ideas  363 Chapter 12 Work, Group, and Team Communication  364 Communicating in Organizations  366 Formal Communication  366 Informal Communication  367 Relationships in Work Groups and Teams  369 Characteristics of Groups and Teams  369 Personal Skills in Work Groups and Teams 370 Group Cultures  373 Face-to-Face and Mediated Relationships  374 Leadership, Power, and Influence in Working Groups  375 Types of Leadership  376 Types of Power  376 Leadership that Supports Diversity and Inclusion   379 Advancing Your Career  381 Networking  381 Interviewing  382 Summary  388 Multiple-choice Questions  389 Activities  390 Discussion Questions  391 Journal Ideas  392

Glossary 393 References  400 Name index  455 Subject Index  457

Publisher’s Preface The fifth edition of Interplay builds on the successful approach used in the previous Canadian editions that have served instructors and students well. It gives first-time students a useful, compelling, and accurate introduction to the academic study of interpersonal communication. Readers of Interplay come away with a new appreciation of how scholarship about communication in interpersonal relationships can make a difference in their everyday lives. To that end, this fifth edition presents new and expanded coverage of key concepts while retaining the trusted qualities and features of the previous editions.

Key Features • An accessible writing style based on the belief that even complicated ideas can be presented in a straightforward way. • A commitment to showing how scholarship offers insights about the process of interpersonal communication. • Thought-provoking photos and cartoons that thoughtfully and compellingly illustrate the text’s insights.

Increased Coverage of Contemporary Issues Impacting Day-to-Day Life • To help students better understand the issues and contexts they will face in their everyday lives, this edition features expanded content on communication and the self, technology, culture, and work throughout. Some new topics include: 42

PART ONE: Foundations of Interpersonal Communication

SELF-ASSESSMENT HOW MUCH COMPASSION DO YOU SHOW YOURSELF? Please read each statement carefully before answering. To the left of each item, indicate how often you behave in the stated manner, using the following scale: Almost Never 1 2 1.

Communication and the Self • Chapter 2 – Self-compassion • Chapter 4 – Change your Self-Talk • Chapter 4 – Combining Daily Mindfulness with Reappraisal

2. 3. 4. 5. 6.

3

Almost Always 4 5

When I fail at something important to me, I become consumed by feelings of inadequacy. I try to be understanding and patient towards those aspects of my personality I don’t like. When something painful happens, I try to take a balanced view of the situation. When I’m feeling down, I tend to feel like most other people are probably happier than I am. I try to see my failings as part of the human condition. When I’m going through a very hard time, I give myself the caring and tenderness I need.

When something upsets me, I try to keep my emotions in balance. When I fail at something that’s important to me, I tend to feel alone in my failure. When I’m feeling down I tend to obsess and fixate on everything that’s wrong. 10. When I feel inadequate in some way, I try to remind myself that feelings of inadequacy are shared by most people. 11. I’m disapproving and judgmental about my own flaws and inadequacies. 12. I’m intolerant and impatient towards those aspects of my personality I don’t like. 7.

8. 9.

Lower scores on items 1, 4, 8, 9, 11, and 12 and higher scores on the remaining items (2, 3, 5, 6, 7, and 10) indicate greater self-compassion. SOURCE: Raes, F., Pommier, E., Neff, K.D., and Van Gucht, D. (2011). Construct and factorial validation of a short form of the self-compassion scale. Clinical Psychology and Psychotherapy, 18, 250–5.

FOCUS ON RESEARCH SELF-CONTROL, SELF-COMPASSION, SOCIAL TEMPTATIONS, AND PROCRASTINATION Most of us have been distracted or put something off that we know we should be doing—maybe even reading this chapter! Procrastination is the voluntary delay of important, necessary, and intended action despite knowing there will be negative consequences for this delay (Sirois and Pychyl, 2013). Many colleges and universities have student success programs that focus on improving our time management skills, but research suggests a different approach will probably work better. Procrastination researcher Tim Pychyl and his colleagues have identified many of the challenges that make us vulnerable to putting things off and suffering for it (Pychyl and Sirois, 2016; Sirois and Giguire, 2018). They know we delay boring or difficult tasks that have long-term payoffs and are not much fun for more pleasant activities that are immediately rewarding, less because we failed to manage our time effectively than because we didn’t feel like doing the boring

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or difficult thing. Socializing with others is something that it is immediately rewarding for most people and is very tempting when we’re working on a difficult, boring, or frustrating task. We want to feel better so we ditch the schoolwork and engage in social activities to improve our negative mood. We “give in to feel good” (Pychyl and Sirois, 2016; Sirois and Giguire, 2018). The irony is we then feel bad about procrastinating! Rather than thinking about procrastination as a time management problem, we’re better off thinking about it as a challenge in regulating our emotions and coping. It’s more correctly conceptualized as a test of our self-control and our self-compassion. So, how do we say “no” to the immediate gratification of socializing either in person or online when those temptations are available 24/7? Research suggests we can learn to tolerate and modify the negative emotions we experience during

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Publisher’s Preface

7 | Non-verbal Communication

• Chapter 4 – Social Media and Emotional Contagion • Chapter 6 – Online Language and Gender • Chapter 7 – Emojis, Mediated Messages, and Nonverbal Communication

could be a compliment or a criticism, and the vague statement, “I’m almost done” could mean you have to wait a few minutes or an hour.) Most non-verbal behaviour has the potential to be even more ambiguous than verbal statements like these. To understand why, consider how you would interpret silence from your companion during an evening together. Think of all the possible meanings of this non-verbal behaviour—affection, anger, preoccupation, boredom, nervousness, thoughtfulness—the possibilities are many. The ambiguity of non-verbal behaviour was illustrated when a supermarket chain tried to emphasize its customer-friendly approach by instructing employees to smile and make eye contact with customers. Some customers mistook the service-with-a-smile approach as sexual come-ons. As this story suggests, non-verbal cues are much more ambiguous than verbal statements when it comes to expressing willingness to become physically involved (La France, 2010). Because non-verbal behaviour is so ambiguous, caution is wise when you’re responding to non-verbal cues. Rather than jumping to conclusions about the meaning of a sigh, smile, slammed door, or yawn, it’s far better to use the kind of perception-checking approach described in Chapter 3. “When you yawned, I got the idea I might be boring you. But maybe you’re just tired. What’s going on?” The ability to consider more than one possible interpretation for non-verbal behaviour illustrates the kind of cognitive complexity that we identified in Chapter 1 as an element of communication competence. Popular advice on the subject notwithstanding, it’s usually not possible to read a person like a book.

Non-verbal Communication Occurs in Mediated Messages

1 | Interpersonal Process

HIGH

Parent and child discuss their changing relationship.

Not all mediated communication is solely verbal. Video calls/chat obviously provide non-verbal information, as do photos on social networking apps and messaging platforms. Even text-based digital communication has non-verbal features. The most obvious way to represent non-verbal expressions in type is with emoji. Emoji, as we

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Husband and wife from different cultural backgrounds develop mutual understanding.

Over time, able-bodied and disabled fellow employees develop ways to work effectively together.

Traveller unintentionally violates customs of a culture that he or she doesn’t understand.

English-speaking caller requests directory assistance from English-speaking telephone operator.

LOW

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INTERCULTURAL SIGNIFICANCE

HIGH

FIGURE 1.2 Possible Interactions among Interpersonal and Intercultural Dimensions of Person-to-Person Communication

far less difficult than that for the international traveller. In between these extremes falls a whole range of encounters in which culture plays varying roles. What is the relationship between intercultural communication and interpersonal relationships? William Gudykunst and Young Kim (2003) summarize an approach that helps answer this question. They suggest that interpersonal and intercultural factors combine to form a two-by-two matrix in which the importance of interpersonal communication forms one dimension and intercultural significance forms the other (see Figure 1.2). This model shows that some interpersonal transactions (for example, a conversation between two siblings who have been raised in the same household) have virtually no intercultural elements. Other encounters (such as a traveller from Senegal trying to get directions from an Iranian-Canadian taxi driver in Vancouver) are almost exclusively intercultural, without the personal dimensions that we discuss throughout this book. Still other exchanges—the most interesting ones for our purposes—contain elements of both intercultural and interpersonal communication. This range of encounters is broad in the global village:

business people from different backgrounds try to wrap up a deal; Canadian-born and immigrant children learn to get along in school; health care educators seek effective ways to serve patients from around the world; neighbours from different racial

TAKE TWO

described in Chapter 4, can help communicate emotion and clarify a meaning that isn’t evident from words alone (Derks et al., 2008; Lo, 2008; Riordan, 2017; Riordan and Kreuz, 2010). For example, see how each graphic below creates a different meaning for the same statement: • You’re driving me crazy • You’re driving me crazy • You’re driving me crazy Yet the meaning of emoji can be ambiguous (Skovholt et al., 2014). A smiley face could have a number of meanings, such as “I’m happy,” “I’m kidding,” or “I’m teasing you.” Other online communication markers are also ambiguous (Vandergriff, 2013). Exclamation marks (sometimes more than one!!!) can be used at the end of sentences

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Culture • Chapter 1 – Individuals’ and Collectivists’ Cultural Values • Chapter 2 – Ableism and “Person First” Language • Chapter 6 – Code Switching in Canada

CONCEPTS IN INTERCULTURAL COMMUNICATION • Culture: the language, values, beliefs, traditions, and customs people share and learn. • In-groups: groups of people with whom we identify. • Out-groups: groups of people whom we view as different. • Co-culture: a subgroup that is part of an encompassing culture. • Intercultural communication: the process by which members of two or more cultures exchange messages in a manner that is influenced by their different cultural perceptions and symbol systems.

11 | Communication in Close Relationships: Friends, Family, and Romantic Partners

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Technology

INTERPERSONAL SIGNIFICANCE

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Work • Chapter 5 – Multicommunicating at Work • Chapter 11 – Social Media and Relationships with Co-workers • Chapter 12 – Leadership that Supports Diversity and Inclusion

SOCIAL MEDIA AND RELATIONSHIPS WITH CO-WORKERS Search the phrase “social media and co-workers” and you’ll find a host of articles about the pros and cons of friending and following workmates online. This kind of sharing involves both risks and rewards. On the positive side, social media can help create bonds by allowing colleagues to learn about each other’s lives away from the job. It can help colleagues get to know each other on a deeper level, which can positively influence their productivity (Goodman, 2014). Along with these benefits, however, online sharing with co-workers has its risks. Some experts believe the risks are so great that they categorically recommend against friending colleagues (Wu, 2017). Others suggest proceeding with caution (Penning, 2016; Whittenberry, 2016). And while you might think that using filters to manage what content certain audiences (family and friends versus professional colleagues) can see is a cautious strategy, recent research suggests it might not achieve the results you want. Anika Batenburg and Jos Bartels (2017) found that integrating work and personal contacts on social media platforms produced higher levels of likeability among colleagues than a “segmenting” strategy, which involved restricting or filtering professional contacts’ access to personal information. These investigators suggest that because liking is related to self-disclosure, being included in a colleague’s

inner circle of friends might increase the likeability of that individual; similarly, when one is kept out of that circle they might feel rejected and their liking of the co-worker might actually decrease. Additional research has revealed that we are more likely to want to integrate our co-workers into our inner social media circles when we perceive them to be trustworthy and sociable (van Prooijen et al., 2018). As you know, our perceptions of others are not always accurate (see Chapter 3) and filters do not ensure privacy; people who have less restricted access to your posts can always share them with a broader audience. We’ve suggested throughout this book that it’s important to keep your online audience in mind when you’re choosing what to share on social media. Although it may feel private and fleeting, it’s not. Before you hit “post,” imagine how your manager, your most reserved co-worker, and your grandmother or another older relative would react if they saw your post. Self-monitoring is your friend. Although this suggestion seems obvious, everyone is aware of people whose social media posts have cost them their jobs. Critical thinking: What’s your preference in terms of including co-workers in your social media? What are the benefits of your approach? What are the potential costs?

Share Joys and Sorrows

Share Laughs and Memories

When you have bad news, you want to tell friends who will offer you comfort and support (Vallade et al., 2016). When a friend has good news, you want to hear about it and celebrate. When sharing sorrows and joys with friends, it’s often important how quickly and in what order the news is delivered. The closer the friendship, the higher the expectation is that you’ll share such things soon after they happen. If a friend asks, “How come I’m the last to find out about your new job?” you may have committed an expectancy violation.

A hallmark of a healthy relationship is shared laughter (Kurtz and Algoe, 2017). One study found that close friends have a distinctive laugh, and that people across cultures can pinpoint in seconds how intimate friends are by listening to them chortle together (Bryant et al., 2016). Another study found that friends regularly prod and deepen each other’s memory banks—so much so that “sharing a brain” is an accurate description for the bond between very close friends (Iannone et al., 2016). If you get together with long-time pals and laugh as

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Publisher’s Preface

Engaging Pedagogy This edition of Interplay builds on the pedagogical approach that has successfully helped students appreciate how scholarship leads to a better understanding of communication in the “real world.” 168

PART TWO: Creating and Responding to Messages

TAKE TWO TYPES OF LISTENING RESPONSES • Silent listening: staying attentive and nonverbally responsive, without saying anything. • Questioning: asking the speaker for additional information. • Open questions allow for a variety of extended responses. • Closed questions only allow a limited range of answers. • Sincere questions are aimed at understanding others. • Counterfeit questions are disguised attempts to send a message, not receive one. • Paraphrasing: restating, in your own words, the message you thought the speaker sent. • Empathizing: showing that you identify with a speaker. • Supporting: revealing your solidarity with the speaker’s situation. • Analyzing: offering an interpretation of a speaker’s message. • Evaluating: appraising the speaker’s thoughts or behaviour in some way. • Advising: providing the speaker with your opinion about what she should do.

• “Take Two” boxes recap core concepts and terms to ensure students understand their meaning and draw linkages between them.

These skills comprise what pioneering therapist Carl Rogers (2003) calls active listening (see Weger et al., 2014). Rogers maintains that helpful interpersonal listening begins with reflective, non-directive responses. Once you have gathered the facts and demonstrated your interest and concern, it’s likely that the speaker will be more receptive to (and perhaps even ask for) your analyzing, evaluating, and advising responses (MacGeorge et al., 2017). You can improve the odds of choosing the best style in each situation by considering three factors. 1. Think about the situation, and match your response to the nature of the problem. People sometimes need your advice. In other cases, your encouragement and support will be most helpful, and in still other cases, your analysis or judgment may be truly useful. And, as you have seen, there are times when your questioning and paraphrasing can help others find their own answer. 2. Besides considering the situation, you also should think about the other person when deciding which approach to use. It’s important to be sure that the other person is open to receiving any kind of help. Furthermore, you

BUILDING WORK SKILLS WHICH LISTENING STYLE IS BEST? 2 | Communication and the Self

Explore the various types of listening responses by completing the following steps:

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1. 2. Known to self

Not known to self

1 OPEN

2 BLIND

3 HIDDEN

4 UNKNOWN

Known to others

Not known to others

FIGURE 2.3 Johari Window Source: From Group process: An introduction to group dynamics. Copyright © 1963, 1970 by Joseph Luft. Used with the permission of Mayfield Publishing Company.

Part 1 represents the information that both you and the other person already have. This part is your open area. Part 2 represents the blind area: information of which you are unaware, but that the other person knows. You learn about information in the blind area primarily through feedback from others. Part 3 of the Johari Window represents your hidden area: information that you know, but are not willing to reveal to others. Items in this hidden area become public primarily through self-disclosure. Part 4 of the Johari Window represents information that is unknown to both you and to others. At first, the unknown area seems impossible to verify. After all, if neither you nor others know what it contains, how can you be sure it exists at all? We can deduce its existence because we are constantly discovering new things about ourselves. For example, it is not unusual to discover that you have an unrecognized talent, strength, or weakness. Items move from the unknown area into the open area when you share your insight, or into the hidden area when you keep it secret. The relative size of each area in our personal Johari Window changes from time to time according to our moods, the subject we’re discussing, and our relationship with the other person. Despite these changes, a single Johari Window could represent most people’s overall style of disclosure.

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CHECK IT! 3.

Describe the four quadrants of the Johari Window and the relationship of each to receptivity to feedback.

4. 5.

Join with two partners to form a trio. Designate members as persons A, B, and C. Person A begins by sharing an actual, current work- or school-related problem with B. The problem need not be a major life crisis, but it should be a real one. Person B should respond in whatever way seems most helpful. Person C’s job is to categorize each of B’s responses as either: silent listening, questioning, paraphrasing, empathizing, supporting, analyzing, evaluating, or advising. After a four- to five-minute discussion, C should summarize B’s response styles. Person A then describes which of the styles were most helpful and which were not helpful. Repeat the same process twice, switching roles so that each person has been in all of the positions. Based on your findings, your threesome should draw conclusions about what combination of response styles can be most helpful.

Benefits and Risks of Self-Disclosure By now, it should be clear that neither all-out disclosure nor complete privacy is desirable. On the one hand, self-disclosure is a key factor in relationship development, and relationships suffer when people keep important information from each other (Porter and Chambless, 2014). On the other hand, revealing deeply personal information can threaten the stability, or even the survival, of a relationship. Communication researchers use the term privacy management to describe the choices people make to reveal or conceal information about themselves (Hammonds, 2015; Petronio, 2013). In the following pages, we will outline both the risks and benefits of opening yourself to others.

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• “Check It!” questions give students a great tool for study and review.

Benefits of Self-Disclosure Although the amount of self-disclosure varies from one person and relationship to another, all of us share important information about ourselves at one time or another. There are a variety of reasons we disclose personal information (Duprez et al., 2015). Catharsis Sometimes, you might disclose information in an effort to “get it off your chest.” Catharsis can indeed relieve the burden of pent-up emotions (Pennebaker, 1997), whether face-to-face or online (Vermeulen et al., 2018), but when it is the only goal of disclosure, the results of opening up may not be positive. Later in this chapter, we’ll discuss guidelines for self-disclosure that improve your chance of achieving catharsis in a way that helps, instead of harms, relationships. Self-Clarification It’s often possible to clarify your beliefs, opinions, thoughts, attitudes, and feelings by

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PART TWO: Creating and Responding to Messages

The remarkable thing was that Fox was a complete fraud! He was a professional actor who had been coached by researchers to deliver a lecture of double-talk—a patchwork of information from a Scientific American article mixed with jokes, non-sequiturs, contradictory statements, and meaningless references to unrelated topics. When wrapped in a linguistic package of high-level, sophisticated professional jargon, and delivered by an engaging, humorous, and well-spoken person, the meaningless gobbledygook was judged favourably. In other words, Fox’s credibility came more from his vocabulary and style of speaking than from the ideas he expressed.

REFLECTION

• “Reflection” sidebars offer first-person accounts of how principles covered in the text apply to real life.

ACCENTS AND SELF-FULFILLING PROPHECIES My mother-in-law came to Canada from Italy with her husband and children about 50 years ago. The family settled in an Italian-Canadian community and she was able to continue to speak Italian in order to manage the household and raise her family. Her husband and kids all learned to speak English but she did not. As the only non-Italianspeaking in-law in this big, warm, tightknit family, this posed some communication challenges. I quickly figured out her receptive English vocabulary was very good and when it was just the two of us, she would speak a bit of English and I would muddle along with my rudimentary Italian and we could understand each other. I noticed she never spoke English in front of her husband and children. I was puzzled. I pushed my husband to tell me why this was and discovered that in her early days in Canada, she tried speaking English and her young and much more fluent children teased her about her pronunciation. She immediately lost confidence and quit trying—believing that she could never be as fluent as her children. I was shocked that good-natured teasing could have such a negative impact on a person’s beliefs about themselves and I resolved to never make fun of people’s accents or pronunciations.

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Affiliation Accent and vocabulary are not the only ways in which language reflects the status of relationships. An impressive body of research has shown how language can build and demonstrate solidarity with others. Communicators adapt their speech in a variety of ways to indicate affiliation and accommodation, including through their choice of vocabulary, rate of talking, number and placement of pauses, and level of politeness (Giles, 2016). In one study, the likelihood of mutual romantic interest increased when conversation partners’ use of pronouns, articles, conjunctions, prepositions, and negations matched (Ireland et al., 2011). The same study revealed that when couples use similar language styles while instant messaging, the chances of their relationship continuing increased by almost 50 per cent. Close friends and lovers often develop a set of special terms that serve as a way of signifying their relationship (Dunleavy and Booth-Butterfield, 2009). Using the same vocabulary serves to set these people apart from others. The same process works among members of larger groups, ranging from online communities to street gangs and military units. Convergence is the process of adapting one’s speech style to match that of others with whom the communicator wants to identify (Dragojevic et al., 2016). Language matching creates bonds not only between friends but also between strangers online (Rains, 2016; Riordan et al., 2013). When two or more people feel equally positive about one another, their linguistic convergence will be mutual. But when one communicator wants or needs approval, convergence is more one-sided (Muir et al., 216). We see this process when employees seeking advancement start speaking more like their superiors. One study even showed that adopting the swearing patterns of bosses and co-workers in emails is a sign that an employee is fitting into an organization’s culture (Lublin, 2017). The principle of speech accommodation works in reverse too. Communicators who want to set themselves apart from others adopt the strategy of divergence, that is, speaking in a way that emphasizes their differences (Gasiorek and Vincze, 2016).

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Publisher’s Preface

6 | Language

Racism

Gorodenkoff/Shutterstock

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• “Self-Assessment” quizzes allow readers to analyze their current communication behaviour and its consequences.

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How often do you hear biases like sexist language, sexually prejudiced language, and racist language in the language of people around you? How often do you use them yourself?

SELF-ASSESSMENT SEXIST LANGUAGE Section I For each of the following statements, rate your agreement or disagreement on a scale ranging from 1 to 5, where 1 = “strongly disagree” and 5 = “strongly agree.” 1. Women who think that being called a chairman is sexist are misinterpreting the word. 2. Worrying about sexist language is a trivial activity. 3. If the original meaning of he was “person,” we should continue to use he to refer to both males and females t