Falling in Love for all the Right Reasons [1 ed.] 0446576859

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FALLING

LOVE

IN

FOR ALL THE

RIGH [I

REASONS How

founder of

to

Find

© Harmony.com’

the #1 Online Matching Service

with Ken Abraham

FALLING IN LOVE FOR ALL THE RIGHT REASONS

FALLING IN LOVE FO R ALL THE RIGF T REASONS HOW

TO

FIND

YOUR

SOUL

MATE

Dr. Neil Clark Warren with Ken Abraham

Copyright © 2005 by eHarmony.com All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without permission in writing from the publisher, except by a reviewer who may quote brief passages in a review. Center Street

Time Warner Book Group 1271 Avenue of the Americas, New York, NY Visit

our Web

10020

site at www.twbookmarkcom

Center Street and the Center Street logo are trademarks of Time Warner Book Group Inc. Printed in the United States of America

First Edition: January 2005 10987654321

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Warren, Neil Clark. Falling in love for all the right reasons : how to find your soul mate / Neil Clark Warren with Ken Abraham. p. cm. ISBN 0-446-57685-9 |. Marriage. 2. Mate selection. 3. Dating (Social customs) 4. Love. |. Abraham, Ken.

Il. Title.

HQ734.W31745 646.7'7—dc22

2005 2004019845

To the thousands of couples who have been matched by eHarmony for all the right reasons ... especially to those who have gotten married as a result of meeting on eHarmony.com... And to all the couples in the future who will utilize the principles within these pages to set themselves up for marital happiness by making sure they have broad-based compatibility.

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

Producing a book of this nature requires the concerted efforts of a number of highly skilled individuals, and I am deeply appreciative of

their commitment to the task and their belief in the value of the effort. Certainly, more people contributed to the information in this book than I can possibly list here, but a few who merit special mention are: Rolf Zettersten, my publisher on this adventure, and my friend. Thank you for encouraging me to pursue this project when it would

have been easier to let go of it. Ken Abraham, my collaborator on this book, an extremely talented writer, and more important, a wonderful man. Greg Forgatch, the chief executive officer of eHarmony, and a vir-

tual fountain of energy and ideas, with a commitment to take these principles to every single person in the world! Joe Zink, Steve Carter, Galen Buckwalter, Greg Steiner, and Grant

Langston. Thanks for sharing your insights with Ken and me as we worked on this book. Sue Braden, the “rock” of eHarmony, my marvelous and dedicated administrative assistant who keeps us all on the same page. Most of all, to Marylyn, my wife of more than forty-five years.

Thank you for your unwavering commitment to excellence in all that we do, and for loving me so completely and unconditionally. Thanks again to all the couples who have contributed to my think-

ing about what it takes to make a strong, successful marriage. And special thanks to the more than one-hundred-thirty members of the eHarmony staff who contribute every day to an extension of our understanding of the principles that differentiate disappointing

relationships from great marriages.

CONTENTS

Introduction: Matchmaker, Matchmaker...

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1 How eHarmony Began ..... 0. cece eet n etter | 2 ~~ Finding Your Soul Mateo... eect ete eee 29 GROUP

1

The Screening Dimensions 3 = DIMENSION 4 | Good Character... 4

53

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DIMENSION 2. | The Quality of Your Self-Conception

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............. 6|

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= DIMENSION 3: | Watch Out for Red Flags ........ 0. cece cece eee 67

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DIMENSION 4 | Anger Management ......... 00.0 cece cece ee ees 72

7 8 9

DIMENSION S | Obstreperousness ......... 0. cece eee eee nee ees 79 = DIMENSION 6 | Understandings About Family ................000. 85 DIMENSION 7 | Family Background ........ cece cece ee eee 90 GROUP

2

The Core Personal Dimensions

99

10 11. 12 43° 14 15° 16 9

DIMENSION8 | DIMENSION 9 | DIMENSION 10 DIMENSION 491 DIMENSION 12 DIMENSION 43. DIMENSION 14

Intellect 2... eee ee eee enn Similar Energy Levels ........... 0.0.0.0 e eee eee | Spirituality 2.0.00. eee eee | Education... 0... ene | Appearance ....... 6 ice cece eee eee | Sense of Humor .... 0... ceceeee | Mood Management ............0.0. cee eee

17

DIMENSION 45

| Traditional Versus Nontraditional Personalities .. .127

918 DIMENSION 16 19 = DIMENSION 417 20 DIMENSION 18 24° DIMENSION 19

| | | |

Ambition 0.00... eee eee Sexual Passion 00.0.6 Artistic Passion ...... 0. cece cece Values... 0 cece e tener

Ke} 107 110 114 118 [21 [24 |33 136 144 147

Contents

x

22 23 24 25

DIMENSION DIMENSION DIMENSION DIMENSION

20 24 22 23

| | | |

Industry 0.0... cece cece cee ene Curiosity... 0. eee ete eee nee Vitality and Security ..... 6. cece cece eee eee Autonomy Versus Closeness ........ 0.0 even ees GROUP

3

Skills That Can Be Developed 26 27 28

15 | [53 [55 158

_|6!

DIMENSION 24 | Communication ....... 0. ccc eee eee ene 163 DIMENSION 28 | Conflict Resolution .......... 00. c eee eee eee |70 DIMENSION 26 | Sociability ..... 6... cece een ene ee |8| GROUP

4

Qualities That Can Be Developed

185

29 3O 31

DIMENSION 27 | Adaptability 0.0.0.0... ccc eee e ees |87 DIMENSION 28 | Kindness ........ cc cece cece een een ees 192 DIMENSION 29 | Dominance Versus Submissiveness ...........4. 95

32 33.

Chemistry—The Key Factor ....... 0... cece eee eeeeen ee e nas 199 =Commitment—The Glue That Keeps It All Together ............. 205

Appendix A: Three Secrets to a Great Relationship ...............0005 217 Appendix B: Twenty Questions ...... 6. c cece cece e nets 229 Appendix C: Similarities or Differences? 2.0... ccc cece eens 23!

How eHarmony Works

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INTRODUCTION

Matchmaker, Matchmaker

Since FORMING eHarmony in August 2000, I have been approached in the most unusual places by people with requests for help in finding lifelong love and happiness for themselves or someone they care about deeply. For instance, two years ago I was assisting

in the funeral ceremony for a good friend, Lewis B. Smedes, when Ross Porter—a popular Los Angeles radio and television personality

who for years has been one of the three “voices” of the Los Angeles Dodgers baseball broadcasts—clutched my arm. I had known Ross for a number of years, but I was surprised nonetheless at the sense of urgency with which he sought me out. “Neil, I have a daughter named Rosalyn,” Ross said furtively. “She has been divorced for seven years, and she’s a wonderful young woman. She’s bright, beautiful, and articulate.” Ross paused and took a deep breath before continuing. “She has two great kids, so following the divorce, she moved back home and my wife and | have helped raise the children.” My friend stepped closer to me and lowered his voice. “But I have to tell you, she has not been able to find the right kind of person... not even to date, much less to marry. I've heard your advertisements

on the radio, and | think she'd be a good candidate.” “Have her give me a call,” I said, “and we'll see what we can do to help.” I handed Ross a business card, feeling a bit awkward about holding our conversation in the midst of our fellow mourners, but wanting to assist nonetheless. Ross later told me that while driving home after the funeral, he

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Introduction

informed his wife, Lynn, of our conversation: “I talked to Neil Warren about Rosalyn—”

Lynn interrupted him. “Oh, Ross. You didn’t! That's terrible. Have you lost your senses? You should never have done that! Rosalyn would not be happy. She would probably take that as an insult or be

terribly embarrassed.” “Okay, fine,” Ross said. “I'm sorry I mentioned it.” He handed my business card to his wife. “No harm done.”

About two weeks later, Rosalyn and her mother were engaged in a conversation concerning Rosalyn’s stagnant social life. When Rosalyn mentioned her frustration at not being able to find a man with whom she felt strongly compatible, Lynn let it slip that Ross had discussed her discouragement with me. “You know, your dad talked to

Neil Warren about you at Lew Smedes’ funeral, and Neil gave him his business card for eHarmony . . Let’s see, I have it right here in my purse... but I told your father that you would not be the least bit in-

terested...” “Give me the card,” Rosalyn said. “Wha—?” “Just give me the card,” Rosalyn said. Her mother found the card in her purse and handed it over to Rosalyn. She called me, and I explained to her how eHarmony.com works.

“T think I'd like to try that,” Rosalyn said. She completed the eHarmony personality profile and eventually was matched with a

man named Jeff, an eye surgeon who was also divorced and was raising three children by himself. They began to communicate through the eHarmony Web site and quickly progressed through the four stages of “safe” correspondence leading to open communication. Before long, Rosalyn and Jeff met and went out on a date. During their conversation, they couldn't believe how compatible they were. They shared common interests, values, and goals. They hit it off so well that they were finishing each other’s sentences! Within a year, Jeff proposed to Rosalyn and the couple sent my wife, Marylyn, and me an invitation to their wedding. We're not able

Introduction

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