Through the Tunnel: Unlock the Pain of Your Past and Find the Courage to Grow Up, Not Just Old 9781940013480, 9781940013442, 9781940013459, 9781940013473, 1940013488

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PRAISE FOR THROUGH THE TUNNEL Dr. Bonnie Lyon is an experienced psychotherapist who lives and breathes what she practices with her clients. Her book passionately reaches out to offer emotional healing to the many who will never make it to her private practice. She is giving us the gi of her wisdom and enlightenment with practical applications every step of the way to resolve even deep seated psychological pain. Dr. Lyon shares her techniques for the average lay person to use in overcoming their personal struggles. She is a firm advocate that healing is possible and attainable for anyone willing to look inward and make some changes. You will hear her voice on every page as you begin your journey—her excitement for you is contagious as she coaches and encourages you to reach your personal goals. —Judy Risner, MALPC is book instantly draws you in. Dr. Bonnie Lyons gently invites you to taste the darkness and pain experienced by her clients as you step into her office right alongside them. She will have you searching deep inside of yourself as you read the detailed experiences of her clients to realize hope and healing is really possible for us all. Dr. Bonnie uses examples from her personal life to humbly show how change is possible if you are willing to face yourself. is book can be an important springboard for addressing the things that may be keeping a person stuck in pain. It is treasured reading that will certainly bless many lives and give hope to those who find life so difficult to handle. —Kerry Bevens, MA I would like to applaud the author for the way she illuminates each client’s habitual bondage with such clarity and genuine kindness. —Janet Hill You have a choice! at is the takeaway message from Dr. Bonnie Lyon’s new book, rough the Tunnel. Although Dr. Bonnie has lost her physical sight, through her amazing giedness of inner vision clarity, she uses her client case studies to teach, illustrate, and empower readers to do the deep work of repairing and rebuilding their lives. She introduces tools for eliminating emotional pain such as Holding Up Your Mirror, Firing the Chorus, Learning to Reframe, and Unlocking the Cage. And she profoundly delivers healing through usage of the Comfort Cycle and the Gummy Worm Rule. Come, women of all ages— read, savor, and be encouraged to grow up, not just old. —Janis Morey Naugle, PhD From the first chapter, rough the Tunnel hooked me in completely. I couldn’t put the book down. Dr Bonnie’s style of guidance is like a female version of Dr. Phil. It’s down to earth and easy to understand. Her voice of reason came through each chapter with clarity, concise, and humorous at times. It’s a good reference for one’s personal library. —Lynn Cole Very well written… informative. Dr. Bonnie is such an inspiration to so many people. —Diane Storm

Stepping into rough the Tunnel is much like walking into Dr. Bonnie’s inviting waiting room. I was instantly comfortable, open, and hungry for the feast of Dr. Bonnie’s wisdom. Her signature blend of common sense and compassion is spiced with humor, peppered with success stories, and garnished with quotable tidbits that I’ll be taping to my mirror to encourage me again and again. rough the Tunnel is comfort food for the soul, and when I was finished, I felt satiated and well-nourished. What a yummy read! —Lara Kerr Dr. Bonnie recognizes that pain is part of life for us all. However, throughout her book she teaches us how to keep pain from running our lives. One of my favorite quotes is, “If you are teachable, it’s fixable!” e book is a mega confidence builder and by the time you finish reading it, you will have been given the keys of courage to do what is necessary for your own particular situation, to grow up vs. just growing old. —Dee Gregory Dr. Bonnie takes you on a journey back through the tunnel of your life to gain control over the pains of your past. You are provided with tools to release the stops that hold you back from being the best version of yourself. Based on a lifetime of intense personal and clinical experience, this is a book for healing, growth and renewal. Easy to read and practical. —Kacee Ramirez, MS, CCC-A Audiologist

Copyright © Dr. Bonnie Lyon, 2018 e information provided in this book is designed to provide helpful information on the subjects discussed. All recommendation are made without guarantee on the part of the author or Dudley Court Press No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form by any means, except for brief excerpts used in a review, without prior written permission from the copyright holder, which may be requested through the publisher.

Published in the United States of America by Dudley Court Press PO Box 102 Sonoita, AZ 85637 www.DudleyCourtPress.com Cover and interior design by Dunn+Associates, www.Dunn-Design.com Publisher’s Cataloging-in-Publication Data Lyon, Bonnie Fernsler rough the tunnel : unlock the pain of your past and nd the courage to grow up, not just old / Dr. Bonnie Lyon Sonoita, AZ : Dudley Court Press, [2018] Includes bibliographical references and index. ISBN: 9781940013480 (hardbound) | 9781940013442 (paperback) 9781940013459 (ebook) | 9781940013473 (audio) | LCCN: 2017958185 LCSH: Self-actualization (Psychology) | Psychic trauma—Treatment. Attitude (Psychology) | Self-acceptance. | Self-realization. | Self-esteem. Mental health. | Happiness. | Self-help techniques. | Quality of life. BISAC: SELF-HELP / Personal Growth / Happiness. LCC: BF637.S4 L96 2018 | DDC: 158.1—dc23 Dr. Bonnie Lyon is available for speaking engagements and personal consultations. Contact her at: [email protected] Phone: 612-888-6635 (612-8-Tunnel) Website: www.BonnieLyon.com

This book is lovingly dedicated to Vikki Hansen, LCSW, my very own Ann Sullivan.

Contents INTRODUCTION

You’re Never Alone with This Book in Your Hand CHAPTER 1

The Painful Process of Growing Up CHAPTER 2

Committing to Change in Your Life CHAPTER 3

Looking in the Mirror CHAPTER 4

Firing the Chorus CHAPTER 5

Trash or Treasure? Learning to Reframe CHAPTER 6

Are You Living at Cause or Effect? CHAPTER 7

You are the Lock and the Key CHAPTER 8

The Thunder of Your Thoughts CHAPTER 9

The Comfort Cycle CHAPTER 10

Change is Survival

CHAPTER 11

Unlocking Resiliency and Tenacity CHAPTER 12

Stop Succumbing to Stress CHAPTER 13

My Own “Stop Pretending” Story EPILOGUE

Loving Yourself and Forgiving Others The Final Takeaway Acknowledgments APPENDIX

Fear versus Love About the Author Bibliography

INTRODUCTION

You’re Never Alone with This Book in Your Hand

H

ave you ever felt akin to a sh? I have. Let me explain. inking back to the day I was born, my birth was more like the spawning of a salmon. For like a salmon, I’ve been swimming upstream, struggling against the currents of life from that very rst day. You see, my birth was accompanied by great pain and heartbreak. My young mother died tragically in the throes of childbirth. My devastated father was le cradling a newborn in one arm while his free hand held on tightly to my two-year-old sister. Beginning life without my mother was mournful at best. Early in my childhood, I struggled with my vision reading the blackboard. At 16, I passed the written exam for a driver’s license but I failed the vision test. As any teenager would be, I was devastated to learn I’d never drive a car. However, nothing could have prepared me for the life-altering piece of news that came only a few years later. At 22, I was diagnosed with retinitis pigmentosa, which meant the progressing and eventual total loss of my ability to see. With his own eyes brimming on the verge of tears himself, my doctor compassionately explained what the future would hold for me. Clearly, he shared my deep shock at this news. Yet as I sat there, I remained strong and determined. Ironically, I became the one to reassure him. Even then, I believed I could face anything if I kept hold of my mind. I decided right then that I’d never allow this dire diagnosis to dictate my potential or the quality of the rest of my life. I’d never allow anything to defeat me and certainly not my ensuing blindness. I’ve carried that strong sense of determination forward with me throughout my life, summoning it

time and again when I needed it—and most recently to win a battle with thyroid cancer.

WHY I’VE WRITTEN THIS BOOK All great friendships have begun with sharing something intimate about ourselves. Just like you, I’ve borne the scars of being wounded by my circumstances. I’ve taken big blows. I’ve been on a rst-name basis with pain at many points in my life, as I suspect you have been, too. You and I are not alone. Many people carry around both visible and invisible wounds—well-etched sources of their daily pain. e questions to ask: Do you have to keep on living in pain, or can you nd a passageway through it? e answer to the second question is YES! Yes, you can, and yes, I can help. I’ve known pain, but I’ve also known recovery, transformation, and joy. When life threw me big challenges, I not only became determined to transcend them, I discovered how to help and inspire others as a professional counselor. I love helping people. I’ve made a successful career of assisting others to move through their pain—the most enduring passion of my life. In rough the Tunnel, I’ve compiled stories from sessions with several of my clients. eir names have been changed, but their stories are true. Each one I share with their permission carries the hope of understanding that, despite the details of every person’s pain, a common thread runs through them. By providing a deeper understanding of this thread, you too can nd true healing.

Seeing the Light at the End of the Tunnel My overriding message to you is this: No matter how severe your trauma, no matter the depths of your pain, no matter how excruciating your circumstances, there is always a light at the end of the tunnel. I’ve spent time in that tunnel; I know it. Yet, even with my challenges, or perhaps because of them, I also know the way out of the darkness that accompanies pain.

rough the pages of this book, I hope to lead you through your own tunnel and into the light. Once you know how to get beyond your pain, the light will shine brightly for you, too.

Finding a Precious Gi in a Disappointing Present Take a moment to think back to the worst gi you’ve ever received—one that looked fantastic on the outside, but when you opened it, boy, were you beyond disappointed! at’s what happened to me on Christmas Day when I was 20 years old, back when I could still see. Under the Christmas tree was a large, brightly wrapped package from my high school sweetheart. Barely able to contain my excitement, I strongly suspected I’d nd a coveted diamond engagement ring for me inside it. He had cleverly concealed it in a tiny velvet jewelry box nested like a Russian doll inside many boxes, I predicted. How thoughtfully he’d worked to prolong my suspense! Well, the suspense didn’t last long. Inside that large box, I was saddened to nd a 19-inch black-and-white portable RCA television. My boyfriend had decided that a TV would make a ne gi for me. And it would serve just as well as an engagement ring, although not with such a binding agreement on his part. I was crushed! He hadn’t even sprung for a color model! My profound disappointment with this gi helped me clearly see the handwriting on the wall. He and I didn’t have a future together.

Embrace My Loss as a Gi Disappointments aside, I’ve done my best to deal with my progressing blindness from the start. At rst blush, losing my sight was a condition I’d never have asked for. However, over the years, I’ve come to embrace my loss as a precious gi from God. I know that, by losing my sight, I’ve gained the vision to see who God created me to be. In place of my sight, I was given my

own authenticity and a mission to help others see for themselves just who they were created to be.

My Brain on Paper For years, my personal mission on this earth has included writing this book. Over decades of providing private counseling and leading groups, seminars, and workshops, I’ve frequently been stopped in my tracks by someone yelling something like “Dr. Bonnie, will you please write a book and put your brain on paper so we can take you home with us?” So this is it, my brain on paper—and my heart. I invite you to come sit next to me. Let me gently offer you the path to the hope I know can heal you, no matter your present circumstances. rough the Tunnel offers you the wisdom, solutions, and tools you need to start embracing life and nding the light through the dark. You’ll learn how to increase the volume of your own voice as you drown out negative in uences. Sharing several painful yet rich stories about clients will paint vivid pictures to help you “see and feel” the truths I want to share as others have lived them. I trust you’ll relate to them. Honestly, I see a little of myself in each story, and I hope you will, too.

IF YOU ARE SUFFERING DEEPLY, THIS BOOK IS FOR YOU In these pages, you’ll read about women from all walks of life and all sorts of socio-economic backgrounds. I’ve been honored to help each of them climb out of the pit of her own pain and onto the solid ground of lasting healing. Each of them claimed she realized great bene t from working with me. Today, they live a fuller, happier life than they’ve ever imagined. It didn’t happen overnight, but they nally anchored securely and claimed the higher ground that once eluded them. Some of these women I met when they attended my lectures. Others worked with me in individual sessions, either in person or by phone or Skype. Gratefully, today’s technology has allowed me to help even more people than I’d ever dreamed I could.

A Universal Sisterhood Yes, I wrote the book for them, but I’ve also written it for you, so you’ll no longer feel alone as you navigate the waters of personal growth. By reading or listening to this book, my hope is you will stop isolating yourself or hiding in shame. I hope you will cease desperately trying to bury the pain of what you’ve endured or what you’re presently suffering. rough these stories and this book’s wisdom, you’ll recognize you’re never alone! So sign on to this journey. Let the stories of these brave women lead you to understand how you’re not only connected to your story but to the stories of many others—to everyone, male or female, who’s ever deeply suffered. You’ll look around and see as I see—that people just like you are part of a universal sisterhood. By releasing your pain, you get to join a new sorority, a better one, imperfect but decidedly lled with strong, resilient women. As I let my mind roam all over the globe with the knowledge of how we all feel the same pain, I clearly see that no matter where you are—California or Cairo, Lesotho or Madagascar, Paris or Podunk, in a little town or a big city—you and I have much in common. is book is for all the women I’d enjoy

knowing, especially those I know I could help but I’ll never be honored to meet in person. e miles only separate us physically but not as sisters. rough the Tunnel explains many principles I wish I’d known years ago. You’ll learn how emotional pain can be far greater than physical pain because it’s the pain you might never let others see. It’s the pain you hide in, the pain you try to solve alone but fail miserably. Regard these pages as the keys to unlocking yourself from that prison of pain and any need to appear perfect. Your time of suffering in silence is over! rough this book, I extend my heart to you in compassion, support, and understanding. If I knew you personally, I could love you through your pain. Let me try to do it here.

THE TAKEAWAY THOUGHT

You’re never alone with this book in your hand.

CHAPTER 1

The Painful Process of Growing Up You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you cannot do.

T

—Eleanor Roosevelt

here’s an old fable about an eagle who thought she was a chicken. When the eagle was very small, she fell from her nest. A chicken farmer found her, brought her to the farm, and raised her in a chicken coop. She grew up doing what chickens do—scratching and pecking, living like a chicken and seemingly believing she was a chicken. A naturalist came to the chicken farm to observe her. He was surprised to see her strutting around the chicken coop, pecking at the ground. e farmer explained to the naturalist that this bird was no longer an eagle. She was trained to be a chicken, and she believed she was a chicken. He laughed at the fact that he hadn’t clipped her wings, but then she’d never even tried to y. e naturalist knew there was more to this great bird. Because she was born an eagle, she had the heart of an eagle. Nothing could change that. He lied her onto the fence that surrounded the chicken coop and said, “You are an eagle! Stretch your wings and y!” e eagle moved slightly, then looked down at her home with the chickens. She jumped off the fence and resumed pecking and scratching. e farmer said, “I told you she was a chicken.” e naturalist, determined, returned each day and kept trying locations around the farm, all at different heights and all getting the same result. Finally, he took her to a mountain far out of view of the farm and the other chickens. One last time, he held the eagle on his arm and pointed her high into the sky. He said, “Eagle, you belong to the sky and not to the earth. Stretch your wings and y.” is time the eagle stared skyward into the

bright sun and stretched her massive wings. ey moved slowly at rst, then more surely and powerfully. Suddenly, with the mighty screech of an eagle, she ew!

WHO CLIPPED YOUR WINGS? As an adult, it’s easy to take for granted that everyone gets emotionally wounded growing up. Everyone! You are not alone in your “woundedness.” Yes, the degree of wounding experienced by an individual varies. For example, being teased is different than being physically beaten, but both can wound deeply. What’s bearable and no big deal to one person can be devastating to another, given the context of the person’s norms, sensitivity, family values, and culture.

What’s bearable and no big deal to one person can be devastating to another, given the context of the person’s norms, sensitivity, family values, and culture. Woundedness also varies by your perception. If you think a “little” thing was a big deal, it was a big deal, and it will stay with you. e exact in uence your childhood has had on your adult life truly depends on the power and clarity of the lens you’ve viewed it through. ankfully, humans are resilient. Let’s consider two people. One suffered unspeakable pain and trauma as a child, yet somehow, she learned to thrive as an adult, and has developed deep, ful lling relationships. She’s productive and a blessing to others—someone who has found a place for the trauma she experienced growing up. She knows her pain is only a part of who she is. Her difficult past doesn’t shadow her present or her future. Her past trauma is like a burned-out light bulb tucked away on a shelf; it’s there, but all the power’s gone out of it.

en there’s another woman who continues to suffer old traumas, telling her sad story repeatedly to anyone who listens. She wraps herself in a blanket of victimhood, replaying her suffering in the theater of her mind, all the while eating stale popcorn and re-traumatizing herself through every frame of her own movie. She’s immobilized and can’t seem to move forward. You are one of these two women. Which one are you? Which one do you want to be?

PAIN IS A NATURAL PART OF PERSONAL GROWTH Deep in the viscera of everyone’s life experience—from our youngest days or even from the moment we realize we are separate from our mothers—each of our lives is marked by deep, signi cant losses—natural and unnatural, conscious and unconscious. ese losses and how we learn to respond to them de ne who we become as adults. Early experiences of loss, abuse, and abandonment can carve deep valleys of pain into your soul, especially if you weren’t adequately supported or protected as a child. e scars are even more profound if you were neglected, physically and/or emotionally. Take a deep breath if this is starting to hit a chord—and keep going. To grow into a healthy, functional adult, children need help navigating through the challenging realities of their childhood. ese might include parental divorce and abuse, bullying by other children, distractions, pressure to perform, and other trying experiences and expectations. It’s common for children to grow up without the right kind of support or guidance as they walk through these passageways. Parents are busy. Unintentional neglect compounds traumatic experiences as people shut off and move on not through painful experiences. Modern culture heralds “getting over it.” A frequent result? An adult who’s stuck living a life lled with a deep pain she never had the tools to manage, one that she’s too fearful to confront. e truth is, many adults never fully grow up emotionally despite their advancing chronological age. Without the right tools and support to make this rite of passage, they limp into adulthood, bearing the full weight of their unhealed hurts. Yet these impairments are not a sentence. Once you know better, they’re a choice. You don’t know what you don’t know, and sadly most people don’t know they can choose to live differently. A life of pain is not your preordained destiny.

e truth is, many adults never fully grow up emotionally despite their advancing chronological age. GROWING UP TAKES COURAGE Most of us think we are grown up if we’re above dirt and breathing. But growing up means more than adding another candle to the cake on every birthday. It’s a process that’s both purposeful and intentional. It takes courage to grow up and not just grow older. Some adults are like babies clinging to a sense of entitlement and dependent on others instead of developing their own self-sufficiency. ey cry when they don’t get their way and retain the right to throw temper tantrums when they feel uncomfortable. As the years passed, they’ve perfected acting helpless because it bene ts them. ey’ve gotten away with being emotionally lazy while still getting their needs met, albeit sometimes by less than enthusiastic friends and family. But, oh, adults never like being treated like babies. When they behave that way, it oen means they’ll be le out, not taken seriously, or denied the rights and privileges enjoyed by other adults. Surely it hurts to be dismissed, yet who’s going to take them seriously when they refuse to take themselves seriously? Why should anyone want to help them when they refuse to help themselves? Unfortunately, you can’t rewrite your past, just as you can’t unscramble eggs. But you do have the choice to refuse to remain wounded by your past. No matter how deep the wounds you’re carrying, you can make a commitment to get well today. You alone can control the role the past plays in your future. And when it comes to blaming others, even if they had a hand in creating your pain, you can forgive them and put your differences behind you.

Unfortunately, you can’t rewrite your past, just as you can’t unscramble eggs.

Why would anyone tolerate limping through adulthood, accepting incapacitation as normal? Just as bodies can be healed of childhood illnesses, emotions can also be healed. And real emotional healing comes from learning to live without being reactive—by living at cause instead of living at effect. (ese concepts are explained in Chapter 6.)

e Time Has Come You must do this work because that pain you’ve tried to stuff all these years is manifesting in your body like a toxin, setting you up for serious emotional and physical illnesses. And it’s not just about you and your avoidance. e resulting dysfunction radiates to the people in your life, causing them unnecessary anguish. You can’t keep ignoring this; the stakes are too high. ere’s no real bene t in continuing to live in pain, so let’s deal with it—today. Consider the story of my client “Vanessa” who decided it was time to grow up and face her pain aer 28 years of marriage.

Vanessa’s Story I hung up the phone delighted and amazed. Vanessa, a client I hadn’t spoken to in 10 years or so, had called gushing with happiness. She’d finally she’d the extra 47 pounds she’d been trying to lose since childhood. Dating a nice man, she was busy, active, and happier than ever. Finally, Vanessa had come to recognize in herself what everyone else had always seen in her—that she was naturally beautiful despite her previous weight excesses, and a woman who’d always exuded “personality-plus.” What a complete turnaround! It wasn’t always like this for her. When she came to see me 10 years earlier, she was in a much sadder place. Dr. Bonnie: Tell me what brings you in to see me. Vanessa: I’m sick of my life—sick of my husband and sick of myself! I am so unhappy and feel like I’m wasting my life living in total misery. I’m always angry, and I feel depressed. No matter what I try to do or how I try to help myself, I’m still angry and depressed. Dr. Bonnie: Tell me about your marriage relationship.

Vanessa: I’ve been married for twenty-eight years. We have a grown daughter and four grandchildren. This is my second marriage and it hurts just as much or more than my first marriage did. Dr. Bonnie: It sounds like you’ve suffered a lot in your marriages. Let’s go back … Tell me about your first marriage. Vanessa: I married my first husband, Roger, right out of high school. It was lust, definitely not love. I wanted to have my own life and move away from my overimposing, critical parents. My parents told me not to marry him, but I was hell-bent. I would’ve done almost anything to move out of their house. But Roger behaved differently toward me after we married. Roger was a gorgeous guy, full of potential, or so I thought. I soon learned what he was full of—himself. Our marriage was all about appearances, with little acceptance for letting them drop. It hurt to be married to him. Dr. Bonnie: So you didn’t get away from your pain by marrying Roger? Vanessa: No, not at all. I got pregnant with our first child, Susan, which made Roger happy. For a time, I was hopeful we could be happy like we were back in high school. I thought having a daughter would make him settle down and be nicer to me.

Like many couples, Roger and Vanessa believed having a child might improve their relationship. Vanessa soon learned differently. When their baby girl almost drowned in a swimming pool, Roger beat the heck out of her, berated her all the way to the hospital, and shamed her in front of the hospital staff for neglecting their daughter. As if she didn’t feel bad enough! is was an accident; no one felt worse than this doting, responsible mother. When they came home from the hospital, Vanessa packed her things, loaded a U-Haul, and went back to her parents’ home. She’d been married for three very long, painful years, but this was the absolute end. She’d had it. She’d become disenchanted with love and marriage. Many times, people marry to escape what they know and are then surprised when, once again, they’re back in that same familiar pain. is is where Vanessa found herself, in home sweet hell. When she told me her story, I sensed her despair and I felt for her deeply. I’d witnessed this anguish many times before in many others. Here are conversations from our early sessions. Dr. Bonnie: Many times, we must look back into the past to understand the present. Tell me a little about what you experienced growing up, Vanessa. Vanessa: Well, I was the baby of the family. My three older sisters and I were reared in a strict Christian home where tolerance was a foreign concept. My parents frequently delivered spankings and even harsher beatings to keep us in line. My dad always said I was his prettiest girl. If I’d lose some weight, I’d be the prettiest girl he’d ever seen. I always felt like I let him down and was ashamed of myself.

Here were the roots of a blooming eating disorder, or more specifically, the roots of inferior self-esteem of which the eating disorder was a symptom. Two of the most significant people in her life, her mother and

father, had repeatedly told this sensitive child that she simply wasn’t good enough. She was too fat by their standards, so they rejected her in ways that would have negative consequences far into her adulthood. Due to this rejection, Vanessa cloaked herself in an ever-growing coat of shame, slowly detaching from herself, becoming the “who” she thought “they” wanted her to be. She hid her feelings, hid her wants— especially for food—and pretended to agree with everyone to fit in to her own family. It was her attempt to reduce her growing dislike for herself. Vanessa wasn’t okay, yet she had to feign she was. She learned to cry silently as showing tears would oen precipitate a spanking. By trying to please her family, Vanessa lost her “self.” Instead of giving her unconditional love and acceptance, her parents robbed her of feeling good enough, thin enough, smart enough. Plus, they treated her differently than her “perfect” sisters. Dr. Bonnie: How do you feel about yourself? Vanessa: Awful! I hate my body! I am sick of being so heavy and feeling so miserable about my body! I am exhausted from pretending to make my marriage work when I don’t think I even love him! Dr. Bonnie: What is your second marriage like? What in your marriage causes you such pain? Vanessa: Jim and I used to have fun together sometimes, but not anymore. Recently we were in New York City and I splurged recklessly when I bought a ten-thousanddollar diamond ring on a credit card! I got a thrill out of doing that. I guess I was so desperate for fun and what appeared to be love that I impulsively bought that stupid ring, thinking it would make me happy. Dr. Bonnie: Did it make you happy? Vanessa: For a few hours … Later I realized it didn’t make me happy at all! And I don’t think I’ve ever really been happy with Jim. I married him because he just plain wore me down. His beautiful green eyes drew me in. He was so handsome! Still, I felt sorry for him, for his pain. When we met, I think we talked more about our individual pain than anything else. We were just two rejected, hurting people who found comfort in making each other feel better. I used to make him laugh, and he could make me laugh over stupid little things. But in truth, we bonded because we had similar painful histories.

To Vanessa’s way of thinking, wasn’t love supposed to hurt because it had all her life? Surprisingly, although she felt at home in this relationship with Jim, it had taken her seven years to agree to marry him. Deep in her gut, she knew it wasn’t right. But she’d been taught to distrust her gut. It screamed NO but her lips said YES! Looking back, she understood this relationship had been unhealthy since day one. But where do you go to fix a broken “husband-picker”? e legacy of pain is a hard nut to crack. It can be done, but it takes focus, action, and bone-deep honesty, which Vanessa was yet unable to express at that point in her life. No wonder truth felt so uncomfortable to her! Even before they married, her second husband had been unfaithful to her. But Vanessa dismissively made excuses for him while unconsciously feeling good about being used by him. She’d been emotionally manipulated throughout her life, so this treatment felt normal to her. In fact, she

believed her role was to throw herself into making him happy, making his life more fun, and building him up. She played that role well but lost herself in the process. en they bought a house together, which gave them purpose and focus. Vanessa put off dealing with her gut feelings, distracting herself with how she could help Jim. Living to please others became a survival mechanism for her. ey stayed together for 28 years and for 18 of those years, they had no emotional intimacy. All they had in common was an interest in art that, she told herself, had to be enough. Vanessa finally woke up to not liking who she’d become as a result of his abuse. She was a mean, shopping-addicted, food-addicted woman who hated her husband. In fact, she saw him as her captor while telling herself it was enough. e only way to make the marriage work was to turn herself off and try harder to be what he wanted—until finally she knew she just couldn’t. Working with me, Vanessa found her own vision and began incubating the dream of creating luxurious getaways for couples and families who wanted to experience the wonders of the sea. Whenever she’d speak about this dream, Vanessa’s eyes glazed over and she went somewhere else in her mind. I could see her get caught up in her own imaginings, so I gave her an exercise. Dr. Bonnie: Vanessa, your assignment is to maximize your current employment as much as possible while developing formality to your dreaming. Start working toward making your passions come true. Vanessa: Do you think it’s possible? Could I really do that? How would I finance such projects when I don’t even know how I’ll put food on the table? Dr. Bonnie: Don’t think about the “how” just now. Focus on the vision of your forthcoming lucrative business, and the money will come to you. Money flows to good ideas. Do you have enough guts to put your energy where your mouth is? It’s time to find out. Whether you think you can or you think you can’t, you’re right! Do you really want freedom from suffering, Vanessa? Or do you intend to cower in the mundane forever? Vanessa: I’ll go to the coast tonight with my computer and put my dreams into a business plan. Can we meet the same time next week?

When Vanessa came back the next week, she had a trifold color brochure in hand and a fully conceived plan. Her seaside adventures sounded so exciting, I wanted to sign up! In a matter of months, she launched her sea-faring adventure planning business part-time. Several years later, she told me she’d finally quit her bread-and-butter job, le her husband, lost the weight that had dogged her, and even had a waiting list for her personalized, customized, outrageously exciting sea adventures! Facing her fears had set Vanessa free. Our sessions years before had delved deeply into where she’d lost confidence in herself. She learned to heal old wounds so she could find the belief in herself that she needed to succeed. Today, Vanessa’s life is wonderful. She owns who she is just the way she is because she committed to working through the pain of her past and finally grow up.

Questions for You • How old are you? How old do you occasionally act emotionally? • What triggers you to act like a child? • Have you emotionally le your home of origin? • How oen do you say YES when you mean NO? Give examples.

Purposeful Direction • Identify and list the circumstances when you revert to childish behavior. • Identify and list people in your life around whom you nd it difficult to act like an adult. • Consider how and when your parents were raised and by whom. en stop long enough to step into their shoes and get a picture of how they had experienced their early years. Have you forgiven them? Forgiveness is critical to healing, and forgiving your parents is where it all begins. • Whether your answer is yes or no, write them a letter right now. In that letter, forgive them for what has been revealed to you, but also offer forgiveness for what you don’t understand. Your parents may be deceased, estranged from you, or part of your life. You may be fearful that reading your letter would rock their boat. Remember, it’s your choice what to do with your nished letter. Your assignment is to write it.

THE TAKEAWAY THOUGHT

Becoming an adult means taking control of you and your complete well-being.

CHAPTER 2

Committing to Change in Your Life We all must suffer from one of two pains: the pain of discipline or the pain of regret. The difference is discipline weighs ounces while regret weighs tons.

C

—Jim Rohn

ounseling has the power to work miracles, but only when it’s the right time. Many people enter counseling before they’re truly ready. Whenever this happens, particularly with new clients, I tell them straight out not to waste their money or my time. When I can clearly see they haven’t experienced enough pain to honestly face their challenges, I also tell them to leave and return when they are ready. Why am I so blunt? Because nothing any counselor can offer will work until that de ning moment comes. Changing your entire frame of reference on your life is hard work. Looking backward to delve into the origins of your deepest pain isn’t easy. erefore, I always take my time getting to know potential clients. Like all successful relationships, the t must be right.

ARE YOU READY FOR COUNSELING? Whether you work with me or another therapist, those worth their salt take time to explore your potential and establish a trusting rapport. If counselors can’t create this kind of relationship, they won’t begin, or at least they shouldn’t. Never sign on to work with a counselor who will eagerly take your money but who doesn’t feel quite right to you. Readiness and trust are the two most important elements in a counselor/client relationship. Imagine you’ve made your rst appointment with a counselor. You’ve come to it full of apprehension and questions but still driven by the possibility that something in your painful existence can change. You feel unsure how it can happen, but you’re willing to do whatever it takes to bring it on. If I were

your counselor and you were my client, I’d promise to assist and support you while I help you fully explore the question “Am I truly ready to begin this journey?”

MAKING THE COMMITMENT No one can make or sustain a commitment to change for you— only you can. You usually reach this point when you’ve become sick of yourself and your circumstances. You’re realizing that no matter how hard you try, you can’t unscramble eggs, and you can’t leave the mess on the oor. It’s time to nd solutions. Decision and commitment come when you feel as if no one can possibly be suffering like you are, and you’re absolutely done living in blame, complaint, and shame. When you reach this much pain, you’ll be able to make a rock-solid commitment to the process.

Decision and commitment come when you feel as if no one can possibly be suffering like you are, and you’re absolutely done living in blame, complaint, and shame. Understand that this type of commitment is never sustained on the level of feelings. ey ebb and ow. ere’s always a danger you will feel like quitting as soon as your pain eases and you experience a false sense of relief. However, it’s important you don’t quit the rst moment you start to feel okay. You must remain committed until you reach the very core of your pain. Pull it out like the roots of a decaying vine, prune it with new coping tools, and lay a new foundation with proven, life-management practices. You might be wondering how you’ll know that counseling is working, that you’re healing. How will you know when you have graduated counseling? Remember, no one will ever experience the joy, the freedom from pain as precisely as you will—in your unique way. Because the healing happens within you, you will be the one to determine that it’s working. However,

although the outcome will happen internally, it will be re ected externally. You’ll know, and your counselor will see signi cant signs of improvement. Webster de nes commitment as the “state or quality of being dedicated to a cause or activity, a promise, being bound emotionally.” In this case, it means your dedication and commitment to this change must be so deep that there’s no turning back. is commitment must not be based on a eeting feeling but on knowing you will no longer tolerate your life as it is or yourself as you are. It involves the realization that you are better than the way you are living, better than you are being treated—by others and by yourself. Indeed, you are better than how you’re acting, reacting, and not acting in ways that are imperative for you to recover—that is, if recovery is what you want. You must be willing to do whatever it takes to change because you are worth the trouble. e only way out of pain is through it. Some people will choose to never recover, heal, or deal with their pain. It’s not because they can’t; rather, it’s because they won’t. You de nitely have the full potential to recover completely; how completely or partially depends on your own investment. If you want to break free from your pain, you can’t quit when it gets too hard or temporarily more painful. You’ve got to tough it out. at’s the meaning of commitment. How smoothly your counseling goes totally depends on how much you’re willing to be honest with yourself and persevere when the process seems painful and difficult. Stated another way, the degree to which you are willing to embrace and accept the pain of recovery is the degree to which you will heal and recover.

e degree to which you are willing to embrace and accept the pain of recovery is the degree to which you will heal and recover.

GETTING SERIOUS ABOUT COMMITMENT Deciding to commit is a great rst step, but commitment without action can end up being just another New Year’s Resolution destined to be abandoned. Here’s a checklist of the ABCs (and D) I use to answer the following question: “Are you able to commit to this healing process?”

A - Awareness Awareness comes when your pain has nally caught up with you. You are tired of living the way you are and you’ve become aware that you’re merely surviving your life rather than living it. Many living in emotional pain describe a feeling of something having died inside of them. is awareness can propel you to deal with and resolve your pain so you can come alive again. You don’t have to be dead to die inside.

B - Yes … But Perhaps you’ve come to the point of awareness time and time again, but what stops you from progress is the “Yes-but.” You’ve reached awareness and you really, really want to change but … life is too hard, but … you don’t have time, but … you don’t know how, but … life is too busy, but … you have no money to seek help to change. e list goes on and on. You’ll do it later, aer you __________ ( ll in the blank). Here you are—10, 15, 20, even 30 years later—and you’re still living in pain.

C - Commitment Commitment cannot come without a sincere change of heart. In the words of the 19th-century philosopher James Allen: “As a man thinketh in his heart so is he.” What you seek to accomplish in counseling must travel down from your head to your heart, the seat of your soul. When this happens, it will ignite a drive for action that surges out of the depths of your pain and manifests in

unstoppable hope and belief. Only then can real change happen. And then the commitment will be spoken from your lips.

D - Decision A decision is a conscious, informed, rational change of mind. However, decisions alone can and do fail in the heat of a moment. A change of mind is only half, albeit an important half, of what’s needed for sustained recovery. e other half is the synesthesia (the synergy of cognitive pathways) of the head and the heart, the mind and the emotions. Once you integrate the ABCs, you will be on your road to Decision (D) that leads to freedom. e freedom won’t tolerate your old worn-out excuses of how you’ve tried and failed or why you can’t just “do” it. First, you learn how and soon aer, you’ll say, “I did!”

THOUGHTS BEFORE TURNING THE DOORKNOB Say you’ve made this decision and a rock-solid commitment to change your life. What is the level of your commitment? Cool - Really? You need more pain. Moderate - Still considering options. Hot - Nothing will stop you! When you can assess yourself as Moderate or Hot, call and make an appointment with a counselor. Sometimes the pain of recovery feels temporarily more hurtful than what rst caused that pain. You need to feel motivated enough to overcome this temporary intensity and stay committed through that hard part to get to the good part. e rewards are worth it. You don’t have to remain feeling broken as if you’re living a second-rate life. When your commitment to recovery is nally deeper than your pain, press on.

WELCOME TO DR. BONNIE’S COCOON Now stretch out on my couch, and I’ll uff your pillow. Many of my clients have the impression, and maybe you do, too, that counselors’ offices are sterile and clinical. Most are, but mine is not. You see, I understand this isn’t the same sort of thing as going to a clinic with a six-inch gaping esh wound. Wounds like that require getting stitched in the most sterile enviroments. But sterile seldom works when what needs xing is your heart, your soul. In fact, it’s quite the opposite. As my client, you need a womb-like safe room, a welcoming and comfortable cocoon where you can begin to know yourself in a safe space— a place you feel completely supported. Come on and I’ll describe for you the beautiful surroundings we’ll be working in. When you enter my office, I want you to feel enveloped in warmth and safety. To help create a so landing, I appeal to each of your ve senses: Olfactory - Can you smell the freshly brewed coffee? Would you like a cup? Maybe some locally sourced tea, herbal or caffeinated? A cinnamon-apple scented candle mingles with all the other welcoming aromas. Gustatory - Hungry? How about some fresh fruit, pastries, or muffins? We humans bond over food. Visual - My office is decorated with warm, luxurious furniture, Tiffany lamps, and beautiful owers. Kinesthetic - We sink into luxurious chenille fabrics. We are warmed by a ickering re. You grab a plump, overstuffed pillow and slowly settle in. Allow this setting to give you a feeling of warmth and security. Auditory - Soothing music plays quietly, almost indistinguishably, in the background; the sound of water running in the fountains gently

calms ragged nerves. Come on over. My sculpted marble tea table is over owing with delicious things to drink and sumptuous treats. I want all of this to deliver comfort to the place in you that needs nurturing—the place where I want you to “be” before we begin our session. Safe. Comforted. Protected. is is your yummy, come-here, settle-down, and “tell me all about it” shelter. Many clients come early just to relax in my waiting area to wind down and get centered before beginning their session. ey nd it rejuvenating. is sensory setting is my personal signature. Because I know you feel apprehensive, fearful, and in pain, my goal is to calm you and set the scene for our intimate visit. Here, I can honor you and cater to you in soothing comfort.

Because I know you feel apprehensive, fearful, and in pain, my goal is to calm you and set the scene for our intimate visit. Here, I can honor you and cater to you in soothing comfort. I hope you’ll feel protected, safe, and deeply heard as I begin to transfer the tools and solutions I’ve developed to you. I want to provide the fuel for you to master your most joyous life.

CLOSE YOUR EYES AND TAKE A MOMENT Envision a place where you’re seated comfortably, maybe with a caring and trusted friend. You are warm but not too warm; fresh air has a pleasant aroma. You feel alert and safe. is place you see in your mind’s eye can be real or one you’ve created in your imagination. is is the picture I ask you to hold in your mind along with the feeling of warmth and safety that you’ll return to as you explore the wisdom in this book.

As you embark on your journey, look around your own environment and, if you can, make it like that place you have envisioned—a physical place that’s similarly welcoming and comforting. If you don’t have a space like this in your home, maybe a neutral place you can go physically or mentally such as a favorite coffee shop, a library, a good friend’s house, a beach, or a park. Fluff some pillows, even if they’re imaginary, and settle in.

MY APPROACH TO COUNSELING roughout this book, I’ll ask you questions and give you things to do or think about to help you get in touch with your own feelings. ese will assist in applying the knowledge I’m sharing to the context of your life. As it might be dawning on you, I’m different because I emphasize personal education and the development of self-awareness. I believe you have the resources to integrate what I teach you if you make the effort and do the following: Commit to doing the exercises you are given in each chapter. Remain teachable and open. If you do, I promise “it” is whatever your “it” is.

xable,

Read this book with the commitment and yearning to discover how wonderful your life can be whether you’re living with managed pain or without pain. e bottom line is this: I can’t want this more for you than you want it for yourself. Nobody but you can rescue you from your own life. Do you have the courage to do this? Or do you need to experience more exhaustion, sleepless nights, and deep pain before you are ready? e choice is yours. Only you can assess how ready you are.

Questions for You • Are you seeking counseling solely for yourself, to please others, or to prove to yourself or others that they are the problem, not you? • On a scale of 1-10, how much emotional pain are you in right now if 1 indicates “very little” and 10 means “through the roof ”?

• How committed to changing your life would you say you are? Cool. Moderate. Hot.

Purposeful Direction • Speak with your medical doctor if you have health concerns. Do you have sleep disturbances, substance abuse issues, destructive behaviors, or anything else that might indicate your need for immediate medical care or intervention? • Make and keep appointments with yourself to work through the exercises in this book. Access your calendar right now and schedule the time. • Create a place in your world where you will feel just as nurtured as if you were in my office. Go to it every time as you work with the concepts in this book.

THE TAKEAWAY THOUGHT

Commitment involving both your head and heart is the on ramp that will take you to your new destination.

CHAPTER 3

Looking in the Mirror If you’re still looking for that one person who can change your life, take a look in the mirror!

T

—Ritu Ghatourey

his chapter encourages you to look more deeply at yourself so you can:

Hold your own gaze. See yourself versus your image. Stop the blaming. Embrace the unknown as you exchange your pain for something better.

CAN YOU HOLD YOUR OWN GAZE? ere’s something about human nature and denial. When you’re little and do something wrong, or when you’re older and experience discomfort or pain, it’s oen tempting to point the nger away from yourself. You dismiss your feelings because of something or someone other than you. When you’re mature, the only place that nger points is toward you. Let me be speci c. I don’t mean you should be pointing to yourself in blame. As an adult, you’re required to have the ability to look to yourself to understand yourself. You’re also required to control yourself as well as your interactions and reactions to people and events in your life. But know the difference between understanding and blaming. You can show understanding, but there’s no gain in blaming another when your life isn’t going as you’d hoped.

You can show understanding, but there’s no gain in blaming another when your life isn’t going as you’d hoped. Right now, look deeply in the mirror and see yourself as never before. Considering how you interact with others comes aer looking at how you relate to you. When you understand who you are, only then can you clearly see your role in your own life. Facing yourself in the mirror initiates learning how to harness selfawareness. What you see on the surface, your re ection, is never who you are; it’s what you are. Actually looking in the mirror means digging deep with the courage to see beyond your physical re ection. Look to learn who you authentically and uniquely are. Only when you peer deeply into the heart of you and acknowledge the pain you’re holding can you begin releasing it.

Actually looking in the mirror means digging deep with the courage to see beyond your physical reflection. As you come in and connect with your deepest pain, know that you aren’t taking this journey alone. I’ll be here, encouraging you, whispering to you, insisting, “It’s okay; you can do this.” rough this book, I’ll show you how to become your own coach, your own support, and your own best friend. You’ll hear me saying, “You can do this, dear one” until you’ve internalized this message so deeply that you can support yourself. As you consider yourself in the mirror, slow down enough to see what’s important. Know that it’s nally time to stop running from everything you’ve been afraid to confront. To show you how this unfolds, step into the room with me as I guide one of my clients, “Alice,” through a healing process. Join me while I escort her down the path to seeing herself clearly,

perhaps for the rst time. Be a y on the wall as we touch her painful memories. And imagine it’s not Alice; it’s you—your re ection, your pain, and your circumstances. Now, please grab a mirror!

Alice’s Story Alice didn’t live in Wonderland. In fact, when she first arrived at my office, she was as white as the March Hare, scurrying down the proverbial rabbit hole and disappearing into the darkness. Afraid of facing herself but determined to find relief, Alice was driven by her absolute exhaustion. Her state of depletion was the consequence of having nominated herself to be responsible for everyone and everything in her life. As you can imagine, Alice was feeling taken for granted. She’d developed a sense of being invisible as if her wants, needs, and voice were no longer worth serious consideration by anyone in her life. Yet, even while feeling neglected, she continued to internalize other people’s problems as if they were her own. In Alice’s mind, the line between where she ended and others began was blurred. For example, Alice’s daughter called and asked her to babysit the children while she and her husband went shopping for the day. Immediately, Alice responded, “Yes” forgetting all of her own commitments scheduled with her husband. When she got to her daughter’s house, her daughter was upset with her because she was 20 minutes late. Rather than speaking up for herself, Alice smiled and said, “So sorry, honey. I’m here now. I guess I just don’t listen well enough. It seems you think I’m always late.” However, upon reflection, Alice thought, “No, my daughter had asked me to be here by eight-thirty and I was barely ten minutes late! Why do I always let someone else tell me what I’ve agreed to and not speak up for myself? Why do I constantly make other people right and second-guess myself?” Seated uncomfortably, Alice unconsciously rung her hands. When she spoke, it seemed like decades of pain raced out of her mouth like a team of unrestrained horses. Pausing only to take short breaths, she pounded out her life’s sorrows, frustrations, and disappointments. Alice knew she was in pain, but she didn’t know that she had held the shovel and dug the hole she was in —and only she alone could climb out and fill it up. Here’s what Alice said. Perhaps you’ll see a little bit of her in yourself. Alice: I’m so depressed. I have a terrible relationship with my husband. I don’t feel like he’s there for me. I don’t even know if I love him anymore. He’s mean to me and yells so loudly, I can’t even tell what he’s saying. Dr. Bonnie: How long have you been together? Alice: I’ve known him since high school. He is three years older than I am. He chased me until I married him. We’ve been married twenty-five years. Dr. Bonnie: What did you like about him back in high school that drew you to him? Why did you want to date him?

Alice: Back then, he was really cute. He made me laugh. He came from a good family. Well, I thought it was a good family. But he turned out to be very much like his dad—loud, controlling, and full of himself. His dad still bosses him around, and he won’t stand up for himself. That certainly makes me mad! Dr. Bonnie: Does your husband still make you laugh? Alice: No. Well, sometimes. But when he does, I resent him for it. He’s not funny, though, and I get mad at myself that I still laugh at him sometimes. Dr. Bonnie: It sounds like you work to remember to be mad at him when you find yourself laughing at him. Alice: I do. If I laugh, he thinks everything is okay and I’m just fine, even when I’m not. I want him to know how mad I feel when he tells me to go back to sleep at two in the morning after I’ve woken up with panicky dreams. I hate that he doesn’t take me seriously or know how upset he makes me. Maybe I should get a divorce and move far away—buy the little Victorian house I want instead of always living where he wants. I want my own house! Dr. Bonnie: What has prevented you from living in a house you like rather than living where he wants? Alice: His parents have a ski resort. They let us live on the slopes in their chalet in exchange for keeping up their acres of land and running the slopes in the winter. In the summer during the offseason, we provide adventure excursions for families. We do all the work, yet after twenty-five years, they still tell us we haven’t earned the house or the land. I’m so mad! Dr. Bonnie: Was there ever any formal written agreement? Alice: I don’t think so; his dad just said … Dr. Bonnie: It seems you’re not clear about many areas of your life. Alice nods. Dr. Bonnie: Let’s summarize these areas you spoke about: You don’t know if you love your husband or ever wanted to marry him. You don’t like where you live. You resent working so hard for twenty-five years and not having a deed to the property. You can’t sleep at night, and your husband gets mad when you disturb his sleep asking for his comfort. Alice: I know, this is not what I wanted my life to be like, and my family isn’t what I want them to be. I’m just so exhausted and depressed. Sometimes I get tired of being angry, but I still find the energy to be mad.

Dr. Bonnie: Okay, Alice, you came here today, but so far this has been about everyone else, right? About your husband, your father-in-law, and things—the home, the business, and so on. Now it’s time to look at the role you’ve played in creating your own pain. If you’ve been so miserable for so long, why have you chosen to keep living in this state of depressed exhaustion? Alice: Oh, I just don’t know what to do! Dr. Bonnie: Well, I know what to do, and it all starts with you. I’m pulling out my mirror. Regardless of all these scenarios you’ve told me about, it isn’t all about the people in your life. It’s about you and how you have been a willing participant in creating your own circumstances. Alice: But, but …

At this point, I reached over, grabbed Alice, and stood her in front of the mirror so she could begin to see herself. Looking through Alice’s eyes, we can see that, for her, attaining happiness has been impossible. No matter how she tries, she can’t make people do what she wants them to do. She doesn’t have a remote to control them. Yet, oh, how she tries. Alice’s failure to get other people to change was making her miserable. Hold up your own mirror as I ask Alice to look more deeply for the truths she needs to face. At the same time, look for your own truths in the reflection. Dr. Bonnie: Remember, Alice, you are the only one looking in the mirror now, and you are the only one staring back at yourself. If others appear for you there, move them out. You can’t control anyone else in your life, so let’s take this time to focus entirely on you. Alice: I do want to … but, my husband Ron … doesn’t he have some responsibility in this? It isn’t right how he treats me. As my husband, he’s supposed to be there for me. He needs to listen to me rather than yell at me and get mad. We wouldn’t have anything if I spent money like he does. He spends so much money … Dr. Bonnie: Alice, that may be true, but you can’t control or change him. You can, however, learn to take your life into your own hands, which means you become responsible for your own sense of peace and happiness. You can no longer leave that in his hands and expect to be happy. Remember, your husband is not responsible for making you happy or meeting your emotional needs. That’s your job. Alice: What? You mean he can get away with treating me rudely? He’s allowed to spend our money irresponsibly, and I’m supposed to work like a dog while he’s a big shot? Dr. Bonnie: No, not at all. Ron does have a responsibility to you, but not for you. He is responsible to you for being morally faithful, financially responsible, spiritually honest; however, he’s not responsible for meeting your emotional needs or making you happy. That’s your job.

In fact, he can’t make you happy when you’re mad and don’t want to be happy. He can’t shift your depressed moods; you manufacture your own chemistry. Did you know that every single thought in your head has its own chemistry? You and only you control that. How you react or respond to him is your responsibility, no matter how badly he treats you. Alice: So, am I supposed to have no feelings? To let Ron treat me any way he wants and do whatever he wants, and I’m not supposed to react? Dr. Bonnie: Yes, that’s right. You’re not supposed to react unless you want to fuel a forest fire. Reactivity ruins relationships. Responses that are mature and controlled keep you calm so you can function. Again, whatever he does is not in your control, but what you do is. So, this needs more of your attention. Now, let’s just talk about you, Alice. Neither your husband nor your father-in-law is here. Okay? Alice: (Sighing) Alright. It’s not fair, though. I’m sick of everyone! Even my father treats me like I’m a stupid little girl. He talks to my husband about our business like he pays the bills, like he’s financially responsible, but it’s been me. I forced my husband, Ron, to be financially aware. I’m the saver. He’s the spender. Sometimes I feel extremely angry at all of them. I want to move far away, leave everything that’s taken me all these years to build up, and let them do it all by themselves. Not one of them pays a bill! Maybe I do want that little Victorian after all, even more than I realized. Dr. Bonnie: Okay, Alice. There’s a lot going on here. I can understand why you have difficulty sleeping! You get depressed because even though you seemingly give your all, you don’t feel acknowledged or significant in the business or in your relationships. Alice: I just want to be happy and feel like my husband listens to me, like he’ll fight for us and all we’ve worked so hard for. And my dad, I’m so mad at my dad and my father-in-law for talking down to me like I don’t have a brain. Dr. Bonnie: I hear you about your dad! Can you talk to him or your father-in-law and tell them your concerns? Alice: Maybe, but I don’t know if they’ll listen. Dr. Bonnie: Alice, here’s what you do. First, get clear and familiar with your facts. Drop the emotion and talk with your father-in-law as an adult, not as an angry daughter-in-law. Second, consider addressing how you feel with your own father. Perhaps he’s totally unaware of the effects of his behavior on you. Next, what can you do to make sure your sleep problems aren’t hormonal? Are you willing to make a doctor’s appointment to rule out hormone problems? Alice: Okay, my husband has been wanting me to do that. I’ll make an appointment this afternoon. Dr. Bonnie: Good. Now, how much physical activity do you do each day? Alice: I’m in the office all day. Sometimes I walk with a friend, but not often.

Dr. Bonnie: Okay, it seems you agree there’s value in exercising. Putting physical activity into your daily schedule will help you feel better emotionally as well as physically. The most beneficial aspect of being physically active is the feeling of wellbeing. Moving your body changes your brain chemistry and floods your body with “feel good” hormones. I’d like to see you invest in yourself this way. Alice: I just don’t know when I have time to fit it in. Dr. Bonnie: How much is your life worth? There will never be enough time for this; you must make it a priority to seize the time. Once you begin, protect that time and value it as sacred. This is how you must look at it. How much is feeling good about yourself and feeling in control worth to you? Nobody else can exercise for you. Alice: (Sighing again) Okay, I could start by walking thirty minutes a day. I could ask my neighbor if she’ll walk with me. Otherwise, I could just take our dogs and walk with them. Dr. Bonnie: Alice, this is the magic … It’s taking the focus off how your husband makes you suffer and feel bad. It’s quite likely he doesn’t even know how much impact his behaviors are having on you. Focus on what you have control over. One sure thing—you never have control over your husband or anyone else, but you do have control over yourself.

SEE YOUR “SELF” VERSUS YOUR “IMAGE” Now you get to look in the mirror, too. It’s interesting when you gaze at your own re ection with intention, isn’t it? What do you see? If you’re like most people, your eyes tend to focus on your imperfections. A new wrinkle here, under eye puffiness there, a new blackhead, or those stubborn gray hairs! Many of us (especially women) are trained to view physical appearances with an overly critical eye. is cultural disposition oen causes us to develop harsh judgments about what we see. If you do this, you aren’t alone. When you look in the mirror, peer beneath the surface of your physical appearance—beyond your wrinkles and outward imperfections. Can you dig deeper into the soul of who you are— beyond the aws visible on the surface harboring lie the deep shas of your own pain? If you think looking at the blemishes is tough, looking deeper will be tougher.

If you think looking at the blemishes is tough, looking deeper will be tougher. Mirrors don’t lie except for those carnival mirrors that distort reality. Well, that kind of mirror isn’t allowed here! If you’ve been looking through one of those, kiss it goodbye. Dealing with your pain means seeing yourself without distortions. You might be thinking, “What’s the point?” It’s easy enough to remedy a wrinkle with a good face cream or cover a blemish with a bit of concealer. Yes, you can apply cosmetics or get injected with botox, and you’ll change your appearance enough to look like you’re doing great. at’s all that matters, right? … No. You know what I’m talking about. I asked you to reach down to what’s tucked away in your personal vault. Find the combination and spring the lock on those deep imperfections, and then apply a different kind of remedy. Until you feel okay with every little bit of yourself, there’s only so much coverup before it oats to the surface anyway. And when all that you’ve buried comes up unmanaged, don’t expect it to look pretty. Like Alice found out, those dark places are never quite gone, are they? ey have a terrible record of nding their way back to your consciousness when you least expect it. It’s similar to being jarred awake at night with heartpounding anxiety, unable to rest. Perhaps it manifests in fear that keeps holding you back from fully embracing the opportunities in your life. Or maybe you just can’t shake a sense of doom or a feeling of worthlessness. When these dark places reside inside, you can never really, truly feel happiness. Don’t despair. Know that it isn’t this darkness itself that steals your happiness. Avoiding dealing with that darkness will steal it. To heal, to grow,

means bringing it all to the surface and then dealing with it once and for all. at’s when you can be truly happy.

To heal, to grow, means bringing it all to the surface and then dealing with it once and for all. at’s when you can be truly happy. Because learning to love what you see deep within is the key to happiness, you must lay it all out rst. In effect, you must “disembowel” yourself of your deepest pain and extract the lessons hidden in that pain. Right now, maybe you’re like a lot of people and can’t stand to gaze into a mirror. When you try to look at yourself, you feel uncomfortable almost immediately, and it causes you to look away. In my years as a counselor, I’ve encountered this experience oen. Some people do almost anything to avoid seeing themselves, both literally and guratively. ey’ll even cross streets to avoid confronting their re ection in a shop window. e pain for them is that bad! Is that true for you? Let me warn you—what I’m asking of you is hard work. You will feel uncomfortable as I encourage you to probe within yourself. But you don’t have to do this alone. e pain you’re harboring—deep hurts from childhood experiences or early adult traumas—is commonly experienced. Realizing that will help you feel less alone. Knowing others have “been there” will help you reach out, connect, and create a support team. You need to know that you are never alone, ever. I’m with you.

STOP THE BLAMING AND EMBRACE THE UNKNOWN It’s essential to know you can only control one thing, yourself—including your perceptions, your reactions, your choices. When you realize this, it becomes easier to stop blaming others. en you can be sure it’s you who’s been making yourself miserable—not others, not an incident you couldn’t

have prevented, not a person you couldn’t control, not the events of your life or the time and circumstances you were born. None of that matters. You matter. You look at the world through your eyes and use your alert mind. ough it’s not in your power to change and control others, you can shi how you see your world and your position in it. (You’ll learn more about this as you explore the concept of reframing in Chapter 5.) It’s counterintuitive but common for even those suffering from the deepest pain to continue choosing to live in crippling pain rather than risk the “unknown” that change initiates. e only people who love changes, aer all, are wet babies! I assure you, the unknown you’ll step toward holds the power needed to li you out of your pain. You’ll see how making changes can erase the distortions in your reality. You’ll get a sense of what you don’t know and, if you’re teachable, how it’s xable. at’s why looking honestly in the mirror and seeing the real you is imperative. It’s not easy. You will need to return to the mirror many times before you get through the layers of your carefully craed veneer. You also need to be brutally honest with yourself, and doing so can take time.

You will need to return to the mirror many times before you get through the layers of your carefully craed veneer. You also need to be brutally honest with yourself, and doing so can take time. However, I promise that once you nd the courage to do this work, you’ll be rewarded with an ability to release blame, abandon shame, and look deeply at yourself with your eyes wide open and unafraid.

Remember, millions of people like you are living lives of quiet desperation. ey too have normalized, excused, and denied their pain rather than dealt with it. ose who shy away from this process will leave this earth having never experienced a rich, full life. When they pass on, it will be as if they haven’t lived at all, still enveloped in crippling, unresolved pain they’ve carried like an unruly sack through every mile of their embittered lives. is is tragic in itself. But what’s criminal is how living like this can leave a wake of wounding in the lives of your signi cant relationships—your spouse, your children, your friends, and others. Living in pain doesn’t prevent you from forming relationships, but it can poison them. Don’t let this happen to you or your loved ones. My goal is to help you release yourself from the prison of pain in which you’ve been caged.

Living in pain doesn’t prevent you from forming relationships, but it can poison them. YOU’RE IN CHARGE OF YOU, SO CHANGE YOU! Just as Alice did, many people focus on controlling what’s out of their control—that is, other people. ey fabricate excuses and refuse to do things they can certainly control themselves. is approach rarely works and leads to more pain and drama. But it’s so engrained, it gets perpetuated generation aer generation aer generation. Living in pain can become so normal that oen people need to relearn that there’s a powerful option to live differently. is is the crucial lesson of reframing.

In Alice’s Case Aer listening to Alice’s situation, I offered her several concrete suggestions for reframing. Here’s how she reacted. Alice: Okay, let me see if I get this straight. Here’s what you want me to take away:

See a doctor and have my hormones checked regarding my sleepless nights. Talk to my father-in-law with concrete data delivered non-emotionally and discuss having an agreement or a property deed. Exercise to gain a sense of well-being that lets me handle my life better. Stop looking at my husband’s behaviors and focus on my own. Discuss my growing resentment toward my dad with him directly. Let him know how I feel when he talks down to me. Dr. Bonnie: Yes, this is a great start for your first week. Alice, please remember, this is a process, not an event, so it will take time. Slower is better than faster; deeper is better than broader. As I like to say, “If you are teachable, this is fixable.” You can only do your part. It’s time to do what you can and let go of what you can’t. Alice: Ooooh, but it’s not all my fault; it’s his fault! He wants to always blame me when he doesn’t get what he wants. He needs to come in and see you or someone, but he won’t ever do that because he thinks it’s all my problem. He tells me I’m out of control emotionally, yet he yells and thinks he’s perfect! Dr. Bonnie: I know that hurts and makes you mad and feel misunderstood and unappreciated. But right now, let’s only focus on you. Are you willing to push everyone else aside and truly look at yourself? Alice: Well, yes, I guess. In a way, I feel relieved. I never could get him to do what I wanted him to do anyway. I might as well focus on me. Dr. Bonnie: Alice, he’s not your responsibility. You are your responsibility, and that’s a full-time job. You are made of good stuff, so stay clear, stay focused, and follow through with your assignments.

Questions for You • What was your rst reaction when you looked in the mirror? • On a scale of 1 (easy) to 10 (hard), how difficult was it to hold your gaze in the mirror? • How does refusing to address your pain keep you stuck? • What do you get out of blaming others for the pain in your life?

Purposeful Direction

• Take time each day to gaze in your mirror, then verbally acknowledge something beautiful about yourself. • To separate the who and the what of you, draw a line down the middle of a sheet of paper. Above the le-hand side of the paper write Who and on the right-hand side write What. Under the Who, note who you are (e.g., kind, generous, easily angered). Under the What, note what you are (e.g., an attorney, a teacher, a tennis player, a mother, a daughter). • Write down the names of everyone you blame for your pain.

THE TAKEAWAY THOUGHT

Facing yourself is a giant step toward personal integrity.

CHAPTER 4

Firing the Chorus If you hear a voice within you say, “You cannot paint,” then by all means paint, and that voice will be silenced.

I

—Vincent Van Gogh

t’s time to address the chorus. You know the voices I mean—the ones chattering all sorts of negative messages at you, preventing you from living a “normal life.” ese voices form what I call the chorus. When you looked in the mirror at yourself, did other people come to mind? Did you imagine their faces looking over your shoulder, peering back in the re ection with you? Could you almost hear their voices? Did their voices express opinions about you? e chorus will always be telling you what to do unless you deliberately silence it. It might be made up of people dead or alive, perhaps those in your family of origin or your friends. ey might even be the subliminal messages that come at you from every direction and every medium. ese voices shape your behavior and instruct the minutia of your life. Chorus members have strong opinions. Sometimes they gang up on you— like when they insist you change your out t ve times before you’re deemed presentable enough to walk out the front door. If you’re hearing these voices, though, you’ve given away your voting rights long aer women’s suffrage took effect! e chorus will criticize, judge, minimize, insult, compare, and shame you. Get the picture? e cacophony of voices can be unrelenting, telling you what you can’t do and saying you aren’t good enough. ey demand to know “who are you to think you’d ever be successful?” To do this deep work of repairing and rebuilding your sense of self-worth, you have to re the chorus in your life!

To succeed in doing this deep work of repairing and rebuilding your sense of self-worth, you have to fire the chorus in your life! It’s taken a lifetime for this chorus to affect your attitudes, emotions, and behaviors. Forcing them out will demand your strongest resolve. Once they’re gone, you’ll experience a silence to ll. But this process will put something better in its place, I promise. You hear the message the chorus tells you: “I am not enough”— that is, not good enough, thin enough, strong enough, pretty enough, rich enough, smart enough, or successful enough. is happens, in part, when your parents didn’t have positive self-esteem themselves. Parents can’t teach what they didn’t learn themselves nor can they give you what they don’t have themselves. No one can parent beyond their own woundedness. Unfortunately, many wounded parents unwittingly instill this “I am not enough” message in their children. It becomes the next generation’s deepseated belief. rough their own choruses, parents normalize and perpetuate a legacy of pain.

rough their own choruses, parents normalize and perpetuate a legacy of pain. To provide a clear perspective on this, meet my client “Kim” and see how and why her chorus interfered in her life. Take note that her mother’s voice sounds the loudest.

Kim’s Story

Kim grew up in an intact family with a sister and a brother. Her mother taught school; her father worked in a factory. ey lived in a nice suburban bungalow and appeared to be a close, loving, cohesive family. Everyone seemed to love Kim’s mom. Friends oen remarked how wonderfully she played with children, reflecting the seemingly loving relationships she had with the first graders in her class. Nevertheless, at home, it was a different story. Behind closed doors, Kim never felt as loved as her mother’s first graders. And somehow everything she said appeared to get under her mother’s skin. Kim took her concerns to her mom many times, but when she did, she always felt she was burdening her. Not only was her mom too busy to listen, but she never seemed interested in hearing what her daughter had to say. Kim was invariably disappointed that her mom wouldn’t hear her concerns. For instance, when Kim didn’t have a date for her senior prom, her mom flippantly told her to “get over it” and went about her own business. In fact, her mom’s standard response to any of her daughter’s emotional needs was “just grow up and handle it yourself.” Outside the home, her mom seemed to empathize with everybody. For example, in church, people approached her with their difficulties and she provided a sympathetic ear. Aer retiring from teaching, Kim’s mom spent most of her time at church meeting other people’s needs. Kim was mystified. How could her mother do this so easily while continuing to be completely unavailable to her own family members? Now grown up, Kim is a well-educated dance instructor who’s accomplished a lot and has much to be proud of, including being married with a young child. Yet when she takes her family to visit her parents, her mom always has more pressing responsibilities and doesn’t put Kim’s family first, even though they travel four hours each way to see her. Kim gets the same messages from her mom as an adult as she did in her childhood. Loudly and clearly, they convey: “You’re too sensitive!” “You’re a big girl; take care of yourself!” “You aren’t capable of _______.” (fill in the blank) “I don’t have time for you.” “You aren’t, you can’t, you’re less than.” Not surprisingly, Kim has internalized these messages. Her pain manifested an eating disorder—bulimia and anorexia nervosa. Even aer years of therapy and daily out-patient treatment, Kim needs to remain aware of how the chorus in her head can still trigger her eating disorder. Essentially, Kim has recovered, but she’s vigilantly alert for triggers that could catapult her back into the pit of her childhood and young adult pain. Even though Kim was committed and eager to heal, turning off her mom’s critical, condescending voice happened gradually. She no longer wanted to feel like a child looking for approval, direction, and permission from her parents, especially her mom. She had to learn to love her mom without doing everything she was told to do. It felt scary to say how she felt when her mom criticized her, but when she told her directly, Kim began to obliterate those negative messages.

Kim hasn’t lived at home for more than a decade, yet she still “hears” the judgment she grew up with. It carries through into her work as a dance instructor when she doubts herself and feels inferior to her colleagues. She’s even earned a master’s degree, graduating at the top of her class. But the chorus tries to impose its critical, hurtful messages whenever she feels stressed, overwhelmed, or exhausted. rough counseling, Kim has learned to recognize the triggers that threaten to send her backward.

WHAT’S YOUR CHORUS SAYING? Is your pain rooted in childhood messages you’ve been hearing from your own chorus? Has your chorus existed so long that maybe you don’t know how to turn off those voices? e chorus can relentlessly remind you that “I am not enough.” What do the voices in your chorus say? How loudly do they speak to you? Are your parent’s voices louder than your own? Is it possible they didn’t have healthy self-esteem themselves? e truth is your parents couldn’t possibly teach you what they didn’t know themselves. Hearing voices from their own choruses, your parents likely normalized and perpetuated in their own children the legacy of pain, as Kim’s wounded mother did. ough, commendably, Kim’s mother hid her wounds from people outside her home, it didn’t help matters in her own family. She failed to hide her pain while inside her home, evidenced in the way she couldn’t connect with Kim. Every time she denied her daughter the emotional access she craved, she telegraphed this sad message: “You are not enough.” at message became Kim’s deep-seated belief. If you feel like you’re in the same position as Kim right now, don’t despair. You’re not alone. Using techniques in this book, you can learn to tune out your own long-standing voices and eventually re them for good!

Questions for You • What painful voices in your chorus do you need to silence? • What are their messages and from whom did each originate? • How oen do you allow your chorus to run your life?

Purposeful Direction • List all the painful messages you can remember. • Take one of those painful messages and reframe it. Give it a brand new voice with a comforting message such as “I am good enough. I am important, needed, and loved.” • Recall or imagine what it’s like to hear supportive, encouraging, positive, esteem-building voices.

THE TAKEAWAY THOUGHT

Look in the mirror to see who you really are and not what other people want you to be.

CHAPTER 5

Trash or Treasure? Learning to Reframe A man should never be ashamed to own he has been in the wrong, which is by saying, in other words, that he is wiser today than he was yesterday.

C

—Alexander Pope

hristmas Eve 1975, Daytona Beach, Florida. e creaky old door swung open. e sweet, musty smells drew me in, reminiscent of days gone by.

During this time of my life before I lost my sight, I found myself returning on every vacation to this quaint little shop where I’d search for treasures among the trash. e back room held clearance items, so I always began there. One time when I scanned the dusty contents, something against the back wall caught my eye. A battered frame held the most intriguing old painting, heavily caked with years of dust and dirt. In no time, I was scooting out the door, my treasure in hand. e next day, I le the painting with a framer to out t it with a new frame. When I returned to retrieve it, I was astonished. How amazing that this painting someone hadn’t valued had now become my exquisite treasure!

BRAND NEW FRAME OF THINKING Even aer you’ve spent time looking in the mirror and made a rm commitment to resolve your issues, you may still be hanging around the 75%-off sale rack in that back room. It’s time to realize that you are a treasure, and a brand new frame of thinking around your old beliefs will enhance your value, not only to others but to yourself.

It’s time to realize that you are a treasure, and a brand new frame of thinking around your old beliefs will enhance your value, not only to others but to yourself. Reframing is de ned as a shi in mindset—the active process of rethinking something in your experience or life so you can see it as neutral or positive, depending on your desired outcome. It requires the ability to change your thoughts while continuing to stay focused on a relevant issue. Let’s look at how reframing can help you change the way you think about your issues. When you become fully responsible for how you think, any trash can be turned into a treasure. Walk with my client “Marsha” as she discovers how her own thinking has been responsible for the core of her pain.

Marsha’s Story On a hot, sultry August aernoon, Marsha sat on the top step of her porch watching her children play Frisbee. She cheered wildly each time her four-year-old son caught it, and she rooted for all the others, even when they missed. Marsha loved being a mom and absolutely thrived on her children’s love. “What is wrong with me?” she pondered soulfully as she twisted a blade of grass between her fingers. In the past, Marsha always had friends. But in this new neighborhood, she wasn’t included at all. Her neighbors seemed nice enough but since her family’s move, she hadn’t made any friends and didn’t have anyone she felt close to. Every day at noon when Marsha picked up her children from school, she chatted with other moms and exchanged pleasantries. During those pickups, Marsha became aware the others were getting together for coffee, working out together, walking together, and more. But no one ever invited her. Why was she never asked to join in? Aer all, her kids seemed well liked by their classmates, who invited them on play dates. Even though the mothers waiting at the fence for their children were always pleasant enough to her, why did the conversations end there? Marsha and her family had lived in this town a year and a half, which had been long enough to settle in. So why did she still feel lonely? e lady she worked with part-time was kind but kept a professional distance, with no budding personal friendship on the horizon. Sigh.

Marsha told me she had tried to talk it out with her husband. He simply hugged her and said she was his best friend—that was all he needed. Nevertheless, Marsha wanted female friends she could develop deep connections with. Her husband meant well, but he didn’t really get it. “What’s wrong with me, what’s wrong with me, what’s wrong with me?” was Marsha’s internal chatter, which caused her even more pain. “Why don’t the other moms reach out and include me?” Her thoughts were constantly, “What could I have done wrong? How am I wrong? Am I too tall, too blonde, too quiet, too what?” And why was this upsetting her so much? It seemed her peace of mind rested in the hands of people she didn’t even know. is lovely, out-going young mother carried sadness in her voice. Until she moved, she’d always lived in one community and hadn’t needed to integrate into a new one. ere, Marsha had been sought aer—for couple’s activities, family barbecues, neighborhood parties, lunch dates, and other social engagements. Yet here, in response to how she thought she was being received, she was heading down that rabbit hole of despair. She made up stories about it based on her fears rather than on facts. On top of that, Marsha’s husband was thriving in his new position. Her children delighted in their new home where they oen played with their new friends. Sigh again. Her negative self-talk and pessimistic thoughts prevented Marsha from reaching out to find other women she could bond with. at’s what caused her to retreat, not rejection by her new neighbors. As more time passed, this made-up story became an ever-growing challenge for Marsha. By failing to connect, it reaffirmed the stories in her head about how no one liked her. “ey’d probably reject my attempts at friendship anyway.” Eventually, her loneliness became so isolating, pain became her constant companion. at’s when she picked up the phone and made an appointment with me. Marsha’s pain was based on her insecurities of not being enough—not good enough, pretty enough, or even not plain enough to fit in with the other moms. It shook her world and made her sad. When she first came to my office, she was fighting depression and an evergrowing, pervasive anxiety. In our first few sessions, Marsha and I talked deeply and candidly. Like Alice, she looked deep into the mirror, and we pinpointed the thoughts that instigated her downward spiral.

Four-step Reframe We worked with a process to help Marsha reframe that pain into something positive. I call it the four-step reframe. 1. Become aware of your pain. 2. Identify your thoughts surrounding that pain. 3. Ask yourself: “Does your pain feel good? Do you want to keep it?” 4. Replace your self-destructive thinking with thoughts that inspire self-esteem. Marsha’s decision to act on these four steps enabled her to reach out and invite a couple of women to her home for lunch. Once she chose to silence the negative chatter in her mind, she took charge and refused to remain invisible. It no longer mattered that they didn’t reach out to her first; she believed she was capable and deserving of being part of this group.

Making that first move took enormous courage, but remaining so isolated was no longer an option. By reframing the way she was recognizing the corner she’d painted herself into, Marsha gained enough confidence to take the necessary risks. She trained her mind to look forward to what she wanted—not backward to where she’d been constantly drawing on her insecurity and thoughts of not measuring up. Marsha realized that by changing her thoughts, the whole situation changed. By the end of the school year, Marsha felt comfortable in her new community and had fostered friendships with women who shared similar values. Guess what else? Marsha was astonished to discover some of the women she’d reached out to felt as isolated as she did—even those who had lived in the same community all their lives! Marsha drew camaraderie from their shared experiences of self-doubt.

REBUILDING SELF-ESTEEM ONE FRAME AT A TIME Pain is pain, and it hurts regardless of its source. It runs on a continuum from conceptual awareness to marked acuity, limiting your ability to focus and function at optimum ability. You alone must choose: Either get lost in your own pain or develop the courage to look at yourself, take back control of what you can—your thinking—and let go of the rest.

You alone must choose: Either get lost in your own pain or develop the courage to look at yourself, take back control of what you can—your thinking—and let go of the rest. Depending on your circumstances and experiences, the time it takes to go from being negative and reactive to being positive and proactive can vary. In this process, you can turn around lifetimes of pain when you’ve nally suffered enough to get and stay motivated. at’s when you can commit to the work of letting go, learning, and growing. I like to say, “If you are teachable, it’s xable.” Marsha turned her life around in about a year’s time. Alice took a while longer, but it happened for her, too. e pivotal knowledge for each was learning to quiet the stream of negative chatter from the chorus and stop blaming everyone else for feeling miserable. Once those two things were accomplished, each realized lifechanging progress.

It’s called growing up!

Questions for You • What chronic issues do you continually frame with a negative thought pattern? • Does this negative thought pattern stunt your growth and isolate you from others? • Are you waiting for someone or something to change for you to be happy? • What trashy thought patterns distract you from embracing the treasures all around you?

Purposeful Direction • Grab an empty picture frame, hold it over pictures on your wall, and notice how it either adds to or detracts from their value. • Drop a penny in a jar each time a negative thought comes up regarding the same old situation. • Go to an estate sale and look for a fabulous treasure for yourself in someone else’s cast-offs.

THE TAKEAWAY THOUGHT

Rebuilding your self-esteem begins one frame at a time.

CHAPTER 6

Are You Living at Cause or Effect? If you are teachable, it’s fixable.

L

—Paul Hagstrom

et me outline another key concept—living “at effect.”

When you’re living at effect, you’ve relinquished direct control of your life. It means you have handed over control of your condition to others. Maybe you’ve given control to a person in your life; maybe you’ve handed it to the chorus. You rely on others, blame others, and even lie to support your own misery. Being at effect represents the ultimate victimhood or martyrdom. Less savory terms for people being at effect are “whiners” and “complainers.” It’s no surprise they’re the noisiest part of society.

DIFFERENCE BETWEEN “AT EFFECT” AND “AT CAUSE” If you’re living at effect, you complain about everything yet do little to help yourself. It’s a result of “learned helplessness” in which you’re suffering and think you’re being unfairly treated. You believe there’s nothing you can do about the situation. At effect, you suffer silently or do it loudly, telling everyone who comes close—in no uncertain terms—how badly you’ve been treated, how unfairly you’re judged, or how unfair life is to you. Being at cause, on the other hand, means taking the in uence you have on yourself and using it to unlock the hidden potential in your own life. When you’re at cause, you may be just as unfairly mistreated as a counterpart, but because you’ve stopped listening to your chorus and won’t engage in learned helplessness, you can navigate your life, even in times of adversity. By living at cause, you stop allowing anyone or anything—your circumstances, your chorus, your family—to dictate your potential, peace, or happiness. In essence, you “cause” your own life.

By living at cause, you stop allowing anyone or anything— your circumstances, your chorus, your family—to dictate your potential, peace, or happiness. In essence, you “cause” your own life. When you’re at cause, your relationships are more open and you can take direct responsibility for them. It centers on how you respond. For example, if you realize you’re not adequately prepared for the work you want to pursue, you’ll seek more education and training. You nally get on a diet/exercise program and she’d those nagging 10 pounds that have followed you like a pack of hungry dogs. You simply don’t allow others’ moods to dictate your mood. You take the key, unlock your circumstances, and create what you want in life. It’s like you’ve taken custody of the jail keys and set your inner prisoner free. You just won’t settle for less than your heart’s desire.

How TO TAKE CHARGE To recap ways to free yourself from pain and take charge, you: take custody of yourself. face what’s painful in your life. actually see yourself in the mirror. commit to counseling and doing the work to change. no longer live shaming or blaming yourself or anyone else. pick up the megaphone and tell your chorus to move the heck on. reframe your painful past with a goal of understanding and learning. No matter what you’ve been through, this is how you take charge of your life and become your own cause.

You can be more successful when looking back at painful memories by seeking help. A counselor gets you to see your past and bad childhood experiences using the perspective you’ve gained as an adult. Good counselors won’t let you quit too soon. ey provide the support and encouragement to press on when you’d prefer to retreat. ey can show you how you can re-wire your brain and let go of any crutches as you develop new, healthier pathways. Note: Is there a possibility you are depressed? If yes, I encourage you to see your doctor. A temporary prescription for an anti-depressant might help you get through the hardest part of this process.

THE BENEFITS OF LIVING AT CAUSE It’s a perfect day to begin changing your thinking and your attitude. e past can’t hold you once you decide to deal with it and live in the present. It’s all you have—today, not the past—and the future is only imagined. Consequently, taking these actions today will help you nally unlock your pain: Quit being a victim of your life. Move from living at effect to being at cause. Stop being helpless and blaming others for your feelings and your circumstances. Don’t justify your seeming lack of power to change your situation. Once you realize what you think and how you behave is no one else’s problem, you move toward “being cause.” At cause, you accept responsibility for your life and your negative reactivity. ink of it this way: No one else can go to the bathroom for you, digest your food, or make you behave in a way you haven’t rst thought about and chosen. Yes, chosen. When you’re at cause, you make things happen as a participant in your own life outcome. When you’re at effect, you are “done unto,” approaching life

from a mindset of learned helplessness, victimhood, or martyrdom. ese perspectives keep you locked up—an important concept to grasp. One of the challenges of a counselor is to move clients from effect to cause. Only aer that can the work move forward. Conversely, when clients refuse to release their death grip on their victimhood, it’s a waste of time and reputation to proceed. In my practice, at this point I ask clients to come back when they are ready to stop focusing on other people.

Are you ready to turn the tumblers in the deadbolt that’s been holding you prisoner in a cell of your own making? DEALING WITH MY BLINDNESS—I HONOR IT I can’t force people to look at their issues one iota faster than they are ready. Again, it takes unmitigated tenacity and courage. You can move forward into joy, and it’s my job to show you this. I succeed as a counselor because I’m living the words of my own advice. My life hasn’t been easy, yet I’m still an energetic, upbeat, positive person who refuses to let anything defeat her. Clients look at me and see what I deal with being blind. at inspires them, and they say, “If Bonnie can do it, I can do it.” As for my blindness, I’ll never be hidden away. I’ll continue to be active in my community until the day I die. What I can’t see with my eyes, I’ve learned to see with my heart. I oen forget I can’t see because it’s become part of who I am. us, I refuse to let my trauma de ne me or be a victim of my circumstances. is is the attitude I teach my clients to adopt—and what I’d like you to adopt, too. You are not solely a survivor of sexual abuse or PTSD, OCD, ADD, or any other D label as the sum of who you are. You are not your doubts or addictions. You may have characteristics of disorders with names, but these problems are never solved at the level of the problem. You must go deeper. You are the lock and the key to your own happiness.

You never want to wrap a label around you so tightly that you become onedimensionally stuck. You can’t allow a label or diagnosis to become an excuse for why you “can’t.” Instead, seek to take the trauma out of your life and put it in the right context in your past. Honor it. Give it a personal spot of signi cance. Determine you’ll learn what you can from it. en keep moving forward.

Seek to take the trauma out of your life and put it in the right context in your past. Honor it. Do you need to suffer more? Okay. But if you choose to quit now, you might nd there’s a lot more suffering to be had. It can only get worse, and it becomes much worse when you refuse to take charge of your life. Why invite that? And why wait when you can begin to turn it around today? Let me tell you about “Heather” who just waited and waited for things to change.

Heather’s Story is is the terrifying but true story of one of my clients, Heather, who has successfully moved through incredible trauma to a new life living at cause. She did it, and you can, too. You’ll hesitate to believe her story, yet every word is true. She hopes sharing it with you will be inspiring. With cement dust ground into her mouth and her face bleeding profusely, Heather struggled to move across the driveway where her husband had violently slammed her body down and then le her battered and bloodied. What was broken? Could she move her legs? e palms of her hands were embedded with gravel. As she put pressure on her feet to get up, pain shot right through her. e night air was cool. An inky darkness enveloped her. She listened through the stillness to hear if he was gone. Her head exploded in racking pain, her nose felt broken into bits. She was barely aware enough to realize if he’d le, so she lay a long time melding into the cement, hoping to become invisible. Was he still watching, ready to pound her once more if he detected any life le? Aer lying there for seemingly hours, she simply couldn’t do it anymore. at’s when Heather’s rage out powered her pain, and she slowly pulled herself up. Her two little boys were, last she knew, sleeping peacefully inside their house. She had to get to them to see if they, indeed, were still there. With determination and an instinct known to mothers, she staggered

toward the house. If he was still there, she felt like she could kill him on the spot. Emboldened by the rage growing within her, clearly she was taking the situation into her own hands. As she reached the front door, Heather paused, listening for movement before entering the house. Afraid to turn on lights, she tiptoed to her boys’ bedroom and just listened for their breathing. ankfully, they were still sound asleep, undisturbed, oblivious to the terror that had just unfolded in their driveway. A brutal realization thundered savagely in her mind. en a light bulb went on. His threats of wanting to kill her meant she was worth more to him dead than alive. He really meant to kill her. And those threats she’d heard repeatedly were no longer idle. Even amid this trauma, Heather could hear her own mother’s voice nagging in the back of her mind. It said, “Heather, if you were a better wife, he wouldn’t be an alcoholic. If you would just lose some weight, he’d be more interested in you and stop drinking. If you kept a better house and cooked gourmet food, he wouldn’t have to drink.” Shaking her head to clear it of these insidious messages, she stumbled into their bedroom and collapsed onto the bed. She sensed he wouldn’t be back. For all she knew, Charlie believed she was dead and he was watching the TV news for confirmation.

Her Boys Wouldn’t Be Motherless Would it lead to her boys becoming motherless before she took his words and actions seriously? Her pain finally trumped her fears. She took action to leave both the marriage and the area. Barely escaping with her life, she let her internal conviction that her boys wouldn’t grow up motherless give her the courage to believe in something better. She was better than being le for dead by her husband in the driveway. Heather took the two boys and fled to the coast. With just enough money to rent an apartment, she enrolled them in a local school and looked for a job. But the storm that had turned her life upside down wasn’t quite over yet. Soon aer, she was rushed to the local emergency room with a life-threatening asthma attack. She couldn’t breathe and was turning blue, struggling for her life once again. Heather spent the next 62 days in the hospital while her boys were temporarily cared for in foster care. On St. Patrick’s Day that year, Heather was finally released. Hospital personnel insisted she go to a convalescent home for a month to regain her strength. But she couldn’t; she’d run out of money. ey’d lost their apartment, but nobody was going to keep her from her boys. Her boys! She would gain strength, get a job, and make everything okay—if only she could find a job, any job. Heather read a help wanted sign for a carnival in town, applied for a job there and got it! She and her 14year old son started working and, within two weeks, they’d earned enough money to buy a small wooden trailer complete with icebox and gas cooktop. is became the family’s new home. e owner of a vacant lot allowed Heather to park the trailer during the first 90 days of this odyssey. She discovered a local campground, which is where they went to use bathrooms and showers. e boys and Heather felt encouraged. Together again, they were no longer in fear. Heather had regained her health with the love of her sons. She knew if she had them, she had hope. She needed all the hope she could get, too, because at the time she was attacked, she was also battling cancer. Somehow, she had prevailed through the rigors of both the chemotherapy and the abuse.

When you don’t deal with underlying pain, when you shove it down, it tends to come out sideways, influencing your choices and your relationships. You can bet it dampens your chances for living a healthful, joyous life.

Cultivating Her Own Voice rough a county mental health practitioner, Heather learned she was a “superb enabler.” In recovery from her illnesses, Heather’s husband told her he would kill either her or the boys if she didn’t get her life together. Notice who had to do the changing here. Heather did. Heather also began to understand it wasn’t all her fault. Charlie was an alcoholic. She couldn’t fix him or the situation by becoming thinner, neater, blonder, a better cook, or more _______ (fill in the blank). ankfully, she’d learned to tell herself this truth, no matter how loudly her chorus bellowed at her telling her otherwise. Heather learned to stop listening to the competing voices inside her head and began cultivating her own voice. She had to stop living to please, avoid, and serve unconditionally at her own expense. She had to turn off the autopilot she’d let her chorus switch on and take back the wheel. Her own life and those of her children depended on it. Her husband’s alcoholism was the effect of his own unmanaged pain. But it could no longer be Heather’s problem, too.

A Mother’s Influence Heather’s poor self-esteem resulted from her relationship with her parents. She was raised in a home in which her mother was jealous of her relationship with her father. Because Heather and her father got along effortlessly, her mother resented her. In her jealousy, her mother actively sought to undermine her daughter’s confidence whenever she could. When Heather’s husband asked to marry her, it was her mother who strongly encouraged her, telling her to grab him because no one else would ever want to marry her. Before getting married to Charlie, though, Heather didn’t have time to restore herself from her mother’s early harms, and she brought all of it to her relationship with her husband. She had no self-worth, no healthy boundaries, and little self-respect. She learned the hard way that, in her marriage, survival meant being compliant and invisible, having no needs, and sacrificing her desires to keep everyone else around her happy. Heather didn’t know what love was or if she was capable of loving. She didn’t love herself. What she gave to her husband wasn’t love; it was desperation, a sell-out because she believed she didn’t have another choice. She became his doormat, willingly lying down to be walked on. What Heather had lived through instilled in her a belief that she was to be tolerated and nothing more. “We learn what we live”—a common belief among women. When our emotional needs aren’t met and our parents’ needs weren’t met either, the pain carries on generation aer generation. Broken children have grown-up pain—a prison of pain.

Jewels Hidden in the Pain

e incident that le Heather in the gravel told her, finally, how she’d become Charlie’s enabler. She did not cause his addiction, but she helped him continue in it. And she’d learned the hard reality that Charlie was capable of killing her—or the boys—if she didn’t take action, grow up, and make big changes. ese were the precious jewels hidden in her pain. Aer that night in the driveway with Charlie and the hard times that followed, Heather went on to secure a good-paying job with benefits. She provided a good home for her growing sons, and she discovered she could thrive without constant emotional pain. is new state of health was foreign to her. Heather applied her lessons to creating a brighter future for herself and her sons. She took the necessary actions to divorce not only Charlie but her past life and all the lies she’d been forced to hear growing up. She divorced it all!

Free from the Cage of Pain is is a critical point in anyone’s healing, in your healing: to have the courage to face your own truth. It all starts to change for the better when you take custody of your own behaviors and make the needed changes in yourself. You decide to free yourself from your own cage of pain. You truly are the lock—and you are the key. Kids always want to love their parents. Heather wanted to love her mother and gain her approval in ways her mother would acknowledge and accept. When she got married, she tried to please her husband at all costs and it almost cost her life. Ultimately, however, she realized she could never gain her mother’s approval or respect no matter what she did or didn’t do. Her mother was incapable of giving it to her. So, Heather went from a home of disrespectful rejection to a marriage of the same fabric. It was all she knew. When she let go of everything she couldn’t change, she began to heal. It’s easy to see how an upbringing like Heather’s, given her strained relationship with her mother, could result in an adult life that perpetuated trauma and pain. Because Heather’s mother was never “there” for her, she took what her mother routinely delivered. Indeed, Heather had been perfectly set up to choose the kind of mate she did long before she’d know better. Trauma and pain like Heather’s can root in families that, for all intents and purposes, appear to be cohesive. All is not what meets the eye.

Questions for You • Are you sick of yourself or your situation? • What do you get out of your pain? • What scares you about taking control of your own life? • What needs to happen for you to give yourself permission to take ownership of your life?

Purposeful Direction • List all the ways you feel you’re at the end of the whip (at effect). • Picture yourself holding the handle of that whip (at cause) and think about how that will change your life. • Add up all the money it cost you to live at effect (drinking, smoking, drugging, shopping, eating, therapy, etc.), then project into the future what you could do with those same dollars if you lived at cause.

THE TAKEAWAY THOUGHT

Sprint from effect to cause and take charge of your life.

CHAPTER 7

You are the Lock and the Key Reality: to realize that it is you—and no one else—who creates your thoughts, your feelings, and your actions.

Y

—Peter Shepherd

ou attract what you are rather than what you want.

It seems everyone wants to be happy. Yet, to many people, happiness translates to recreating whatever familiar dysfunctional patterns they grew up with. Because pain and dysfunction seem “normal” to you, even though they perpetuate your pain, you’ll subconsciously seek similar situations to what you’ve experienced. is sort of thinking will land you locked in a cage of pain feeling isolated, fearful, and confused.

Learning to Deal with Pain It takes tremendous courage to unlock the cage, move on, and nd a new home where you can be a new self, one who is emotionally honest with herself. Moving on doesn’t mean your life will be completely devoid of pain or you’ll become immune to or removed from it. Rather, it means you’ve learned to deal with pain as it occurs. And when the pain comes, you let it wash over you like a wave while you remain strong until it recedes. It means you focus on creating the changes you can make rather than stressing out over what, and who, you cannot change. It also means you’ve changed your response to pain and can now manage it better. If you’re above dirt, you’ll always experience pain of some sort: physical, emotional, mental, social, or even spiritual. Expect the unexpected. at’s the condition of being human. e most important thing to remember is that pain will not kill you, but how you respond to pain will either cage you or set you free. It’s critical that you learn how to manage your response.

ARE YOU PRISONER, JAIL-KEEPER, OR BOTH? You need to be ready to look in the mirror, face your pain, and stop hiding, lying, and blaming. I understand it’s a threatening proposition to lay yourself bare, but nevertheless, it’s imperative for you to be bone-deep honest with yourself. Only then can you release yourself from the prison in your mind that only you created … one thought at a time, one lie at a time, one blame at a time. I understand you haven’t known how to deal with your pain or let it go. It’s time to gure out where you’re actively making choices that contribute to your own suffering. Even if your pain was delivered at the hand of someone else and you weren’t able to protect yourself, you still have the power to change the situation now. Let go of being a victim and take steps to manage your pain. You “gotta get real” about the part you’re playing in perpetuating your misery. I know a client is ready to face what’s kept her prisoner when she says, “What I understand I can deal with; what I can’t drives me crazy! I don’t want to keep living this way.” Similarly, it’s not your fault you were wounded; it is your fault if you stay wounded.

A client is ready to face what’s kept her prisoner when she says, “What I understand I can deal with; what I can’t drives me crazy! I don’t want to keep living this way.” WHO DO YOU BLAME? Is there one person or more—a spouse, family member, boss, or another signi cant person in your life, living or deceased—you blame for your suffering? It’s my job to help you see they have no power over you except what you allow. Like Dorothy in e Wizard of OZ with her ruby slippers, the power has always been within you.

When you blame someone for how you feel or the quality of your life, you’re hiding out as you attempt to avoid being hurt again. You’re lying to yourself, believing that someone else not only causes your pain but is responsible for resolving it. inking like this may relieve you of responsibility, but it won’t remove the pain. It’s time to grow up and realize how you and only you allow yourself to be held captive in the prison of your own mind. Let me tell you about “Betsy” who oiled her prison lock every night at the refrigerator.

Betsy’s Story Well aer midnight, alone in the kitchen, Betsy painstakingly cut tiny shards of chilled butter. She consumed them slowly with delectable but fleeting pleasure. is was her escape time and place—in the kitchen in the wee hours of the morning, silent as a mouse, indulging her addiction. Only once was she caught in the act. Her teenage daughter found her sitting on the floor slicing off minuscule bits of butter. What could she say? She’d been caught red-handed in the act of indulging in the forbidden—butter! Feeling deep shame and humiliation, Betsy made feeble excuses to cover up her anger at being caught. She put the butter back into the refrigerator as naturally as if she was simply cleaning up aer dinner. However, the emotional rage Betsy unleashed at herself following this incident was enough to make anyone tremble. Why in the world was she so self-destructive? Why couldn’t she get over this painful, shameful behavior? She was painstakingly thin and so out of control! Who was she to think she had the right to indulge herself? Butter, no less. How disgusting she was! On and on … By the time Betsy arrived at my office, she’d already sought help from professionals and self-help books and had attended seminars on food addiction. She was beyond frustrated and infused with self-disgust. She apologized profusely to me for her behavior and her inability to recover; she almost le our first session due to her embarrassment. Afraid to take up any more of my time, she declared there had to be more “worthy” clients than her with more “serious” trouble than hers. ey needed my help more. To the best of my recollection, here’s how that initial session unfolded: Dr. Bonnie: How long have you been struggling with this eating disorder? Betsy: For as long as I can remember. Dr. Bonnie: Even as a child? Betsy: Yes. I always used to sneak food when my parents were out. And so the obsession began. Dr. Bonnie: When you were growing up, did you have tight limitations placed on food, types of food, amounts, and so on?

Betsy: Yes. My mother always told me not to eat too much or I would get fat. She didn’t allow me to eat much of food she considered fattening. When I was permitted such foods, she always reminded me how bad they were and how I could get fat. Dr. Bonnie: Have you ever been overweight? Betsy: Well … Betsy then described a very fit woman and, from that word picture, it seemed she hadn’t ever had a single ounce of extra weight on her. Betsy: My mother is a gorgeous woman, perfect in every way. Gorgeous, even as an older woman—gorgeous! Dr. Bonnie: Did she ever use food as a reward, an incentive? Betsy: I don’t think so. I just want to be like her, slim and beautiful. Dr. Bonnie: From your description, you are slim and beautiful. Betsy: No, I just know how to dress the right way to camouflage my weight. Dr. Bonnie: May I ask … what size do you wear? Betsy: (in a very small voice) “Size four.” Dr. Bonnie: How do you feel, emotionally, being a size four? Betsy: Angry at myself, discouraged, not good enough. Dr. Bonnie: How far back can you recall feeling this way? Betsy: Forever … Dr. Bonnie: Is that why you sneak down to the kitchen to eat butter at night? Betsy: Yes. It makes me feel better—until I hate myself. Dr. Bonnie: What do you get out of hating yourself? Betsy: Relief. Dr. Bonnie: Relief from what? Betsy: From feeling not good enough, pretty enough, smart enough … you know, feeling bad about myself, like I can’t measure up. Dr. Bonnie: That’s got to feel awful, and it drains your energy and motivation to face the problem under the pain. Betsy: Yes, it’s too deep and too painful, so I just sneak food. Butter is my favorite.

is was the cycle of self-destruction Betsy chose. Her condition of anorexia nervosa meant she was starving herself to try to be “good enough.” Her compulsive eating behavior displaced the pain of not feeling good enough, but it was followed rapidly by the pain and self-hate of secretly eating the butter. Unable to turn off her anxiety, her pain, she reached for forbidden food to try to feed her soul, which felt so empty. is cycle is typical of the feelings of anxiety and spinning out of control that precede all manner of addictive behavior. Oen, people continue to prefer enduring familiar pain and anxiety over learning to sit in their pain, which might allow them to get to the bottom of it. When anxiety gets so high it overrides their pain, they can be drawn to addictive behaviors, whether it’s food, alcohol, drugs, or even people. ey want to numb it, numb it, numb it.

When anxiety gets so high it overrides their pain, they can be drawn to addictive behaviors, whether it’s food, alcohol, drugs, or even people. ey want to numb it, numb it, numb it. It seems easier in the short term to assuage the pain by numbing it than enduring the angst, sitting in it, and waiting it out until realizing the pain won’t kill them. Ironically, not dealing with it can kill them. Avoidance oen includes destructive, risk-taking behavior. In addition, the stress of bearing unmanaged pain over time can weaken your will and desire to change, damage your self-esteem, and harm your relationships. Betsy: I’m not always so distraught. I’ll be alright for months sometimes, then I get triggered, and I’m back fighting to control my urges. Dr. Bonnie: Can you identify the trigger that caused this current episode? Betsy: Yes. I’m angry at my kids. My husband has been away on business, and they just won’t listen to me when he isn’t home. They don’t help when I ask them to, and they act so entitled! I don’t even like being around them anymore. When I ask them to pick up, help, or tell me when they’ll be home, they just ignore me or verbally flip me off. I hate it! They were so sweet when they were younger, and I thought we had a good relationship. Today, I don’t know. I don’t even want to ask them to do anything to save myself the pain. Dr. Bonnie: So instead of saying it out of your mouth, you stuff it down your throat— the butter, that is, or any other forbidden food, right? Betsy: (Amazed) Well, yes, of course. It doesn’t hurt as much as hearing them be so mean and condescending to me. Dr. Bonnie: However, in the long run, it hurts you more. You’re just burying your pain under shards of butter in the wee hours of the morning. You’re full of trepidation,

afraid of being caught, and filled with shame because you let your kids bully you into silence. Betsy: It’s easier to be bullied than to endure their wrath and bitter entitlement.

Because Betsy refused to enforce discipline with her children, their disrespect continued, triggering the pain she still harbored from her own childhood, which triggered her compulsion. Sadly, Betsy will continue to have pain until she musters the courage to deal with her own issues of why she feels she isn’t good enough. She needs to honestly examine her family history so she can stop polishing the halos she’d bestowed on both of her beautiful, successful parents.

Step into the Light You can run but you can’t hide from these kinds of issues all your life. e pain will persist—either the pain of bringing on change or the pain of staying the same—until you deal with it. With Betsy, once we peeled away the layers, we found a lot more going on than a little late-night butter consumption. Betsy was also sneaking out in the aernoons for a dozen pastries or ordering a huge slab of “forbidden” cake. With every fork full, she sunk deeper into the fear that she couldn’t stop, into realizing she was out of control while knowing she couldn’t walk away. e subsequent purging and self-revulsion always made her physically and emotionally weak, compounding her feelings of powerlessness. With my help, Betsy came to an understanding about fear—that it doesn’t go away unless you confront it and see it for what it is. What did it take for Betsy to heal? We addressed her chorus, got out the megaphone, and moved those chorus members along. We dethroned the imperial parents and the need for their approval while setting boundaries with her children, and we installed a lot of esteem-affirming self-talk. Betsy was finally free.

Face it, don’t fear it! THE THREE NEGATIVE EMOTIONS THAT LOCK YOUR CAGE ese three emotions, if unmanaged, can lead you to get stuck at effect: Anger Fear Insecurity

Effect is when our condition is the result of things happening to us or in us and our choice to see ourselves as victims. I call these the three locks that seal your cage. Let’s look at the rst one.

Anger When your anger supersedes your fear (as it did for Heather), you’ll stagger to your feet and overcome any situation. Culturally, women in parts of the world frequently have more difficulty displaying anger than men. Many cultures program little girls to be “sugar and spice and everything nice.” Girls and women are oen shamed when they demonstrate anger so they keep it locked up inside of them—but it’s there. Oh, it’s there alright. And if they don’t get a grip on it, it’s sure to come out in other ways that are oen self-destructive. Girls are supposed to grow up to be nurturers, comforters, peacemakers. It is a woman’s job to bite her tongue, keep the peace, and change her behaviors to make things better for others, right? e thought is, “If I just keep calm and carry on … ignore my own emotions and stuff my pain down, things will get better.” If a woman shows her anger, especially toward a man, she’s seen as at least impolite and at worst, a witch. Most women learn early to hold back their inner rage and replace it with a pleasant smile. But oen, those smiles go no deeper than the lip gloss. To let go of your anger, be aware of the role it’s playing by keeping you a prisoner in your pain. Replaying the tape over and over again in your head will not shi the pain. You can’t unscramble eggs. You can never restore them to their former tidiness. It’s “done,” whatever “it” is for you. To be healthy, allow anger to become part of your emotional vernacular whenever appropriate. I don’t advocate using anger without restraint or you’ll explode and overreact. But I’m saying that anger can be a productive emotion—the “cause” that motivates you to action. Anger is a step forward from depression, shame, self-blame, and defeatism. Accessing it can help you nd your voice. When your chorus is effectively

silenced and you nd your own voice, then you can progress as you establish what you will permit in your life. All of this is crucial to freeing yourself from your cage of pain.

Fear In Western culture and in many regions, women become the mediators in relationships. ey argue but they frequently fail to express anger for fear of rocking the boat. While anger can serve to motivate and cause people to act, fear can immobilize them. is fear is irrational, as evidenced by a wellknown study titled the “Visual Cliff ” conducted in 1960 by social scientists Eleanor J. Gibson and Richard D. Walk. ey say humans are born with only two fears. Fear of falling Fear of loud noises All our other fears are learned. Fear paralyzes you and cripples your growth to adulthood. It’s an invisible cell to which you grant the power to hold you captive. It can leave you cowering, feeling too afraid to challenge authority even when you need to. When you give in to the voices of your chorus or an overbearing spouse, you allow others to mistreat you. Your irrational fears get in the way of standing up for yourself. (See the Appendix for a comparison of Fear versus Love in a chart.) Fear is perception specific to you. Someone else may not personalize the same fear that holds you captive. You must confront your fear and go forward into it to pass through it. Fear kills life, love, and relationships. It’s the lion you stare down before you can move into joy. Start by asking these questions: Do you live in constant fear? Do you ever use fear to manipulate and control people? Do you attempt to manage fear by trying to control those around you? Does controlling other people give you the illusion of feeling safe?

Do you do self-destructive things in your efforts to get yourself under control? Do you feel safe when you believe you are in control, even if it’s eeting? Although you can feel highly uncomfortable facing your fears, if you yearn to grow, pushing through a fear can harness con dence. All sorts of workshops offer a safe zone for people to push their personal envelopes, overcome their fears, and excel through accomplishment. When you face your fears, you realize your ability to live more freely and openly, without secrets. You can enjoy the con dence of holding yourself in your own gaze and loving what you see. You’ll recognize a new brave, capable person in place of the one who cowered in fear or hid in shame.

You’ll recognize a new brave, capable person in place of the one who cowered in fear or hid in shame. Insecurity Many people live with crippling insecurity, with women suffering from insecurity in greater numbers than men. e key to unlocking pain for many of my clients is helping them feel better about themselves. When you feel good about yourself, you don’t tolerate being put down or dismissed by anyone. When you feel good about yourself, your negative behaviors change. Everyone is insecure to some degree; however, when you feel good about yourself, any insecurity just passes through, without putting down stakes and buying real estate. Many people spend their entire lives disliking themselves for no good reason. For them, feeling down is a constant state. If that’s the way you’ve always felt, it has become normal to you. But this isn’t acceptable for me as a counselor who wants you to have a good relationship with you. e goal? To

spend time with yourself not being afraid to sit quietly with your own thoughts and feelings. Secure people can make mistakes without feeling embarrassed. ey know perfection isn’t possible and realize things won’t always go smoothly. ey also know how to own their mistakes; they don’t hide from them, and they don’t worry about other people nding out they failed. On the other hand, insecure people seldom know how to recover from making a mistake. For many, their egos are so fragile, they avoid facing their shortcomings as evidenced by their addictions, self-destruction, and poor responses to adversity. Adversity and failure, however, can make you stronger when you allow them to. I suggest you adopt this motto to help you manage failure: “ere is no failure, only feedback.” Whenever things go awry in your life, you are best served by asking yourself, “What can I learn from this?”

Whenever things go awry in your life, you are best served by asking yourself, “What can I learn from this?” Developing con dence means saying NO when you need to and saying YES when you’re afraid to. Con dence allows you to stand up for yourself without feeling guilty. So many people are overwhelmed and unhappy doing what they don’t want to do. ey simply don’t have the con dence to face the truth or stand their ground, even when their happiness demands they do.

THE THREE KEYS TO UNLOCK THE CAGE As I’ve said, it isn’t easy to gain the courage to release yourself from your cage of pain, but once you’ve gained that courage, you can use these three keys to unlock it.

Stop hiding. Stop lying. Stop blaming. Remove whatever mask you’ve been wearing. Give up whatever you’ve been cloaked in that’s preventing you from letting go of your negative reactivity. Heave your emotional crutches into the depths of that smoldering pit from which they came. Face yourself squarely and learn how to be safe in the world by revealing yourself with honesty and freeing yourself to embrace happiness and joy. It’s time to say goodbye to your long-held shame and blame as you stop worrying what the people in your life think.

It’s time to say goodbye to your long-held shame and blame as you stop worrying what the people in your life think. is sort of growth can make you quite uncomfortable as you intentionally change yourself. It might make your family and friends uncomfortable, too —and that’s okay. When you feel uncomfortable, you’ll know you’re on the path out of your pain and into a more purposeful life. Fortunately, the discomfort will lessen as it becomes the “new normal.” You’ll operate outside your comfort zone with the intention of growing up instead of just growing old. is table shows how we respond to fear and how we respond to love. FEAR is the opposite of love. It’s also shown in Appendix. Fear

Love

Fear feels obligation.

Love has preference.

Fear lacks respect.

Love is based on respect.

Fear controls.

Love is open, vulnerable.

Fear is full of pity.

Love has compassion.

Fear avoids responsibility.

Love embraces responsibility.

Fear is unkind.

Love is kind.

Fear wears a mask of anger. Love listens. Fear wears a mask of sadness.

Love is hopeful.

Fear wears a mask of jealousy.

Love is generous.

Fear is sel sh.

Love is unsel sh.

Fear is full of conditions.

Love is unconditional.

Fear has “have to be’s.”

Love allows freedom.

Fear creates drama.

Love brings peace.

Fear causes suffering.

Love fosters security.

Fear sets conditions.

Love sets boundaries.

Fear creates expectations.

Love expresses preferences.

Fear creates obligations/rules.

Love offers genuine willingness.

Fear hurts.

Love doesn’t hurt.

Fear exacts punishment.

Love forgives.

Fear creates a war of control.

Love offers justice.

Fear owns Home Sweet Hell.

Love creates a Healthy Happy Home.

Fear means paralysis, suffering.

Love means action and happiness.

Fear manipulates.

Love embraces what is.

Fear works alone.

Love builds a team.

Fear is emotional poison.

Love has a sense of healthy well-being, no judgment

By the end of this chapter, you will have learned a lot about what you are feeling and why. You’re beginning to understand what you feel, how you got stuck in pain, and what was keeping you there. Next, we go back and look at how you became the person you did. We examine the origins of pain and how it becomes unmanageable due to never getting managed well in the rst place.

Questions for You • What kind of relationship do you have with yourself? Are you your own honest and supportive friend? Are you your toughest critic? Are you a naysayer? • In what areas do you reject yourself? • Do you feel bad about yourself all the time? • Do you feel right inside only when you feel bad about yourself? • Do you always feel guilty about something? • What makes you angry that you don’t want to admit? • Have you so repressed your anger that you’ve become depressed? • Do you need to speak to a counselor about anger issues? • Are you hurting yourself with self-destructive behaviors? • Are you getting exercise and doing other kinds of self-care? • What steps can you take today to dissipate the intensity of your anger so you can practice managing it in your behavior? • What fears do you allow to paralyze you?

• How do guilt, anger, and fear affect your quality of life? • Who are you when you aren’t “performing”? • Do you like to spend time with yourself? • What do you want out of life? • Are you ready to face your anger, fear, and insecurities? • Do you have the courage to stop hiding, stop lying, and stop blaming? • Are you ready to pick up the keys and unlock the real you?

Purposeful Direction I hope you’ve gained insight into what you’re feeling and why you feel that way. Are you beginning to understand how you got stuck in pain and what’s keeping you there? Let’s go back in time and look at how you became the person you did. We’ll examine the origins of pain and how it becomes unmanageable when it never gets managed in the rst place.

THE TAKEAWAY THOUGHT

Only you can set the prisoner free.

CHAPTER 8

The Thunder of Your Thoughts Our life is what our thoughts make it.

A

—Marcus Arelius

small crowd gathered around the gnarled r tree. “Watch out!” cried one neighbor as he held his boy back. “Get a gun!” yelled another, who shielded his eyes in the late aernoon glare. “I see him up there! He’s a big one!” e neighborhood became a beehive of activity. Everyone had to get a look at the black bear up in the tree. “He’s been there since yesterday, I think,” said one man. “I didn’t see him this morning,” cried another. “Everyone stand back now. I’ve got a gun, and I’m gonna shoot him down,” said a third. “e animal rights folks may protest, but we’ve got small kids here.” Dogs barked and cars slowed as they passed the small crowd. “What’s going on?” a young man shouted as he weaved his car through the growing crowd of onlookers. “ere’s a huge black bear up in the tree. It’s been there a while,” someone explained. As word of the spectacle spread, mothers turned off their stoves, put dinner aside, and ran out to grab their children. “Everyone clear!” bellowed the redfaced, self-appointed gunman. As the man pulled the trigger, shouts rang out from the crowd … and nothing happened. en he pumped another couple of rounds up into the top of that gigantic old tree, and nally the “black bear” crashed down through the branches and landed soly on the ground. “What’s this?!” roared a bald man. “at’s no bear! at’s a black garbage bag! What in the world were you guys thinking?”

Cheers of relief and laughter erupted throughout the crowd. People slapped high- ves. en suddenly their faces stiffened. “Well, dad blast it! It sure looked like a bear!” growled the marksman. “You all thought it was a bear, too! I came because I thought you guys knew what you were talking about.” en he stomped home. Animal control showed up, asking if anyone knew where the bear was. With his pipe in his hand, a man slowly pointed to the large heap of black plastic under the tree and said, “ere she is.”

THOUGHTS CREATE FEELINGS - FEELINGS CREATE REALITY You feel the way you think 100 percent of the time. Every thought has a chemistry. Your brain chemistry creates your feelings. ere’s an active lab between your ears producing chemicals from all the positive and negative thoughts you have, which consequently cause your feelings. Just as people thought the black bag in the tree was a bear, you are what you think every second of the day. Like most people, you might believe you have no control over how you think. Boy, wouldn’t that set you up for a victim mentality? But nothing could be further from the truth. You feel the way you think, and you always have a choice about how you think.

You feel the way you think, and you always have a choice about how you think. Awareness of what you’re thinking is therefore paramount to changing how you feel. Negative thoughts build feelings of rejection, disappointment, neglect, and trauma. e internal chatter of your mind is either a quagmire of negative thoughts or the fertile ground of self-empowerment. Earlier you learned about the chorus and how to stop listening to your personal assembly of naysayers. When you silence those voices, you then

need to move something into that prime real estate located between your ears. What will it be? inking about the power of self-talk and the importance of being one’s own champion brings to mind a client named “Margo.”

Margo’s Story Margo began her life as an “almost” only child. Her older siblings had le home by the time she turned two. She had her parents all to herself, at least until she was nine, when they rocked her world by adopting three little girls. Dr. Bonnie: Life really changed then, didn’t it? How did having three new siblings affect you? Margo: Until then, I’d always felt special and close to my parents. Then the needy trio of ribbons and bows arrived to steal my parents’ attention. I didn’t know what to do with one, let alone three, new sisters. Not only did I have to share my parents’ love and attention, but suddenly I had to share my room, my toys, my friends, and my place as the baby of the family! Dr. Bonnie: Your identity as the baby of the family certainly shifted, didn’t it? But even though your world changed drastically, wasn’t it fun to suddenly have siblings to play with? Margo: I wanted to like them, I really did! But there were three of them and one of me. My parents focused all their time and attention on these new girls, and that shook me right out of what had been my secure world. Dr. Bonnie: Explain what you mean by that. Margo: I was suddenly adrift. I didn’t know where I fit in my family anymore.

Based on Margo’s thoughts about the situation, she created these sad feelings and began programming herself to believe she wasn’t enough. If she’d been enough, she reasoned, they wouldn’t have needed these three new girls. Her thoughts had no basis in reality, yet her feelings of rejection felt real. She became the rejected sister. She told herself, “I’m not enough, so my parents adopted more kids.” “I’ve lost my family.” “I’m not good enough for them to just want me by myself.” Her negative, thunderous thoughts soon became her absolute truth. Margo was so young at the time, she didn’t have the verbal skills or maturity to check out these negative thoughts with her parents. She repeated them oen enough to herself that they became the truth for her. Margo: Life was never the same for me again. I just became one of the many girls my parents loved. I didn’t feel special anymore. Dr. Bonnie: You were so young. You didn’t know how to dissect your feelings and harness your thoughts to stay connected to your value and significance in your family

despite the pink threesome. You saw this entire situation through the eyes of a child. How did that perception affect you as a teenager? Margo: I became a liar. I lied all the time to my parents to go and do what I wanted. Their rules didn’t matter to me anymore. I wasn’t allowed to date, so I snuck out or had my friends lie to my parents for me. I broke every rule, but not on purpose. I simply didn’t think they cared. Dr. Bonnie: So because you didn’t think they cared, you didn’t care about their rules and did whatever you could get away with. Is that right? Margo: Yes. Why should I obey the rules of people who didn’t listen to me or want me? I always felt like one of the girls, although I felt all alone when I was at home with them. I was only important to them when I could do something they needed me to do such as take care of the girls, wash the dishes, do their chores. On it went that way.

Margo’s thoughts continued to separate her from what she wanted most, connection with her parents. Margo: I remember always being afraid to be alone. In the arms of a young man, I didn’t feel alone. My parents offered no understanding when I tried to explain how I felt, so I chose to sneak around and lie.

Like many, Margo romanticized love and marriage, longing for someone who could be “all hers.” When she contemplated her future, she refused to be alone and never seriously considered any options besides marriage. And thus entered Ted. Margo: Ted seemed like a dream come true. At first, he treated me with respect. He would have hung the moon and stars for me if he could have. My girlfriends went goo-goo over him. They swooned when I talked about him and said they’d line up if I ever wanted to dump him. With this kind of adulation, I believed he was a sure thing, a great catch, the real deal.

Although her parents didn’t support their nuptials due to their age difference, Margo married Ted just two weeks aer her eighteenth birthday. At age 25, Ted was “robbing the cradle,” they said. e real Ted stepped forward soon aer the knot was tied. Dr. Bonnie: Margo, I hear your pain and understand your history. What do you want out of counseling? Margo: To quit picking men who aren’t emotionally available and to stop feeling alone even though I’m with someone. Dr. Bonnie: Every thought has a chemistry. Margo, if you want to feel more alone, keep focusing on thoughts of being alone. If you want to change, you could change your thoughts and re-direct your own chemistry. Margo: So even though I do feel alone, I shouldn’t feel that way? Dr. Bonnie: No, that’s not what I’m saying. I mean when you think about how lonely you are, your thoughts support the on-going flood of toxic chemistry that makes you

feel alone. It’s because you feel the way you think one hundred percent of the time. Margo: All I want is to be loved by someone. That’s my goal. But it gets confusing when I don’t really love myself, right? Dr. Bonnie: First you must love yourself before you can let love in. I mean love, not lust. Margo: But I DID love him! And I thought he loved me. (Sigh) Ted began forgetting to come home, or he stumbled home in the wee hours if he came home at all. I didn’t know it, but even as a single guy, his favorite pastime was to hang out at his sister’s place smoking pot. I never realized he did drugs. Dr. Bonnie: Was that a red flag for you when you found out? Margo: Well, a lot of people smoke marijuana. I didn’t like it, but he didn’t care that I didn’t like it. He did what he damn well pleased. He did come home most of the time; besides I knew he loved me because we were married and he was all mine. And he came home most of the time.

ree years into their union, they welcomed their first-born son. e advent of their first child thrilled Ted at first—but not for long. Home Sweet Hell broke out two months aer their baby was born. at’s when Ted began demeaning Margo, calling her names, bruising her from head to toe. ere she was with a newborn baby and no job. So she stayed in the marriage and told no one. Visiting neighbors came to see the baby and discovered her hand was broken. Fearful that Ted would be put in jail, she told them not to take her to the emergency room. She didn’t seek treatment for herself and protected Ted. Two weeks later, she threw him a surprise 30th birthday party, complete with a band—as if nothing had happened between them. Like many who suffer abuse, Margo thought it would never happen again. It was only an isolated incident, right? Margo: I thought he would realize how much I loved him and that I forgave him because I threw that huge birthday party for him. I thought that would make him happy and he would love me more.

Like most abusers, Ted said something like: “If you hadn’t _______, I wouldn’t have …” “It’ll never happen again.” “I just lost it.” “You shouldn’t have …” Dr. Bonnie: Margo, you couldn’t see Ted for who he really was; you saw him as you wanted him to be. Margo: But it didn’t work. The abuse continued. I was too scared and embarrassed to go to a shelter. Lower class people, not well-to-do people went there. I thought it would never happen again—until it did. Not long after that, he slapped me, followed by other incidents. It went on like that until the day Ted put me in a headlock. As I

struggled, barely able to breathe, it ran through my mind that he could kill me in front of our terrified, screaming, six-year-old son. Then what would become of my boy?

Margo’s Chorus Margo’s chorus was loud, demanding she give him another chance, and another and another, although nothing changed. It told her if she would do X-Y-Z, then he wouldn’t be provoked and he would (maybe) change. So the story goes. She listened to her chorus. And she got pregnant with their second child. But Ted couldn’t sustain the promises he made. He was using drugs and staying out all night. Margo, a deeply religious woman, prayed and begged God to heal her family. Ted didn’t change, though, and one day, Margo finally got the courage to leave. For many years, Margo had thought it was her fault. Guilt caused her to stay. Ted blamed everything on her. Even today, 28 years later, he blames her for everything. What caused her to endure such pain and not act on what she’d known in her gut from the first days of their marriage? ose powerful messages from her chorus. e voices sounded more “right” than she felt. ey’re what kept her sacrificing herself; others knew better. Margo had locked herself in the prison of her marriage and handed over the keys. Listening to the chorus can cause you to tolerate the intolerable and undermine your ability to be free. In fact, it can seem like a truthful part of you! But its members will destroy your life if you continue to listen to them and believe what their distorted perceptions tell you. In a session with Margo and clients like her, we first delve into the past to understand, then we replace negative misperceptions with better, more affirming ones—a reframing process. Here’s an example: Dr. Bonnie: Margo, you learned to think those thoughts when you were how old? Margo: Nine years old. Dr. Bonnie: How old are you now? Margo: Forty-three. Dr. Bonnie: When you hear yourself repeating thoughts that break you down, I want you to stop yourself. It takes time to re-train your brain, but it can be done and must be done. You can’t make progress if you keep telling yourself you can’t. By saying you can’t, you’re right. Let’s start with your baby sisters. Did your parents adopt them to make your life miserable, or did they adopt them because the girls had a need, and they got the love and a home they needed? Margo: Well, when you put it that way, it does make sense. It was just so hard for me. That’s why when Ted shined all his light on me, it felt so good. My earliest, happiest memories were of having the world revolve around me. When my sisters were adopted, I got thrown into the back seat. Still, I was ashamed of my needs and felt I had to be better and get on board. I thought I was being selfish. But I couldn’t overcome my deepest feelings and, besides, no one understood.

Dr. Bonnie: That’s where it all began for you. It’s so clear. We need to go back and support you through those unresolved feelings now. “It’s okay, baby. You’re not the only little girl here now, but you still matter, baby. You’re still loved and important. The more the merrier! It’s okay to feel displaced, but you don’t need to be the only one to be an important one. Love is infinite. Your parents have enough love for you and for them, too. It’s okay. With Ted, he has his own problems. You really tried, didn’t you? And it’s okay. It has nothing to do with your weight or not being good enough. He has issues he’s denying and may never do the work to get through them. You don’t have to be his punching bag. You are loved, you are valuable, and you are deserving of a good life and respect.

Whenever your mind runs away from you and you think “I’m worthless, I’m fat, I’m whatever … ,” STOP. Look in the mirror and tell yourself to stop lying to yourself. You’re beautiful, you’re loved, and you’re a special creature put on the earth by your higher power with a purpose—to be joyful. Repeat this long enough and you’ll believe it, even in your darkest moments. Remember these points: oughts are not necessarily facts. Don’t believe everything you think. You are not your thoughts; you are your actions.

No Rewards for Being a Martyr e truth is, Margo will not get a reward for being a martyr. No one will. e rewards in this lifetime come from being persistently faithful and grateful. Similarly, no matter what situation you face, you have the power to change it. No matter how low you may be feeling and how defeating your thoughts may be, you have the power to turn them around. You replace negative thoughts with positive ones. Practice doing this until the thoughts of your negative chorus are nally drowned out by the roar of your own inner cheerleader!

No matter how low you may be feeling and how defeating your thoughts may be, you have the power to turn your thoughts around.

Questions for You • What does your inner monologue sound like? Have you ever had thoughts that paralyzed you? • Does the thunder of your own positive thoughts drown out the naysayers and detractors that discourage your happiness? • What negative, historic thoughts do you hold that it’s time to expose, illuminate, and overcome?

Purposeful Direction ink of phrases of encouragement that correct your self-doubts. Stop saying things such as, “I don’t deserve love because I’ll always be fat.” Instead, nd something positive to tell yourself such as “I know I’m not perfect, but I’ve got the most penetrating, soulful eyes ever, and I’m full of love to give.” When you focus on what’s good about yourself, you’ll nd that good re ected back to you from others. Take these steps: • Set your boundaries. Now that you’re treating yourself well, shouldn’t others? • List the keys you need to unlock the cages of insecurity, anger, and fear that stand in the way of your progress. • Investigate your thinking; don’t simply take it at face value. Slow down and take time to become aware of your thoughts and then question them. Are they true?

• Remember, you choose your thoughts; you don’t have to entertain or accept every one that pops into your head.

THE TAKEAWAY THOUGHT

Unless your thinking changes first, nothing else will change.

CHAPTER 9

The Comfort Cycle There’s no need to be perfect to inspire others. Let people be inspired by how you deal with your imperfections.

H

—Dr. Bonnie Lyon

ave you ever tried sitting in your pain deliberately— to look at it, not to drown it, numb it, forget it, or deny it? Have you ever sought to simply understand it? Most people have never tried. It seems easier to grab food, alcohol, drugs, or people to avoid what you can never make fully go away. You know exactly what I’m talking about, don’t you? Have you ever felt so much pain, so much emotional distress, that you thought you might break inside? Have you felt like your life was falling apart, that it would never be the same again—and nothing could possibly x it? Did it ever seem like hope was a foreign concept? Hope was something only others were blessed to embrace while you were le out in the cold? Has it ever seemed as if you had no possibilities, no genuine loving relationships, no true support? How many times has your heart felt shattered to smithereens? How many times have you felt wrung out of hope, crumbling in exhaustion? How many times have you felt you’ve become too much of a burden to reach out for help? When the pain is unbearably gripping, crushing your every breath, the only direction is up. Once you’re sufficiently humbled to slow down, you stop shooting from the hip and thinking you know it all. When you nally give up desperately protecting your awed sense of yourself, that’s when you crack enough to let in the light.

EVERYONE CAN FEEL THIS WAY Desperation respects no culture, no economic standing, no educational level or career specialty. Pain happens to all of us, whether we acknowledge it or not. Sooner or later, it’s a part of our lives, and oen more so as we accumulate experiences. We are taught to run from pain, to do whatever it takes to get rid of it and “feel better”; to take steps to conquer, control, and cleanse ourselves of it. But this approach isn’t realistic. It’s a skewed expectation that doesn’t equip us psychologically to handle our pain as it arises. And arise it will because we will experience pain as long as we’re on this planet in our fallen, imperfect state of mind and body. So, you say, if running, ignoring, avoiding, minimizing, blaming, excusing, and hiding from your pain doesn’t work, what does?

Embrace Your Pain, Feel Your Feelings You may not believe it now if you’re hurting, but you can learn to embrace your pain by sitting in it and feeling your feelings. Start by realizing that neither your pain nor your feelings will kill you, and if you have the courage to do what it takes, they will deepen you. Experienced pain survivors and thrivers have dug below the surface of their lives, drilling down to the core. ey’ve unearthed the root of their pain, laid it out, examined it, and seen it for what it’s worth. en they’ve discarded the rotten parts with emotional weed killers. What’s the root of pain and addictions? Frequently it’s “young” pain. Meet “Jennifer” and learn how she triumphed.

Jennifer’s Story Jennifer’s high-achieving parents both had impressive degrees and careers. eir home was spotless, and they had the “right” everything. Jennifer was the cutest little pink bundle who grew into the smartest pigtailed beauty you’ve seen. As a baby, she resembled the baby on the Gerber jars from which her spotless nanny spooned her dinner. At elementary school, she was every teacher’s delightful pet. Her piano tutor glowed when she touched the ivories and beautiful music flowed through her fingertips.

en as Jennifer approached puberty, everything began to change. She seemed to lose confidence in her ever-changing world of high parental expectations. Some nights she couldn’t sleep as she rehearsed in her mind the “what ifs” of disappointing her parents. is, in turn, promoted an ever-growing anxiety. Jennifer put on weight. Her face broke out in blemishes, and her mother, who was thin and polished, began to freak out. Jennifer was suddenly under the microscope to determine how her parents could “fix” her to get her back on track for what her mother wanted. Jennifer didn’t know it at the time, but ironically her mother barely ate anything. Suffering with her own eating disorder, her mother had figured out the minimum she needed to eat to survive and function. To her, beauty was everything. Suddenly, her daughter was not fitting the mold of what mattered. So Jennifer did what her mother suggested. She followed the directions of her fitness trainer, worked earnestly at her tennis game, and practiced for unending hours at the piano. Finally, everything began to click. She lost weight and her complexion cleared. However, her skin had become terribly dry and she felt weak and airy all the time. Jennifer wasn’t eating, and her sleep was plagued with anxiety. en, at age 14, she fainted at a recital. By then, her weight had fallen under 100 pounds—a grave situation for a girl who was five-foot-six.

Working rough Her “Crutches” When I met Jennifer, as you might imagine, she was highly protective of her secret “crutches”—mostly her bulimia. We worked together on getting to the heart of the matter. Jennifer revealed that her parents’ perfection and success had become an unbearable burden on her. She struggled to please them as she “knew” how imperfect she, herself, was and had developed quite a bit of self-loathing. How could this imposter be part of a family of “perfect people”? When she looked at the magazines and television ads, she never saw models and actresses who looked like she did; rather, they looked like children of her parents, not her. is anxiety fueled Jennifer’s eating disorder, plunging her into a world where she could never win. I stepped Jennifer through the process of looking in the mirror and seeing her true self. At 14, she told me she had a hidden talent. She loved to doodle and her artwork was quite spectacular. Her parents had made it crystal clear they valued her skills in sports and music and in having a fashionable appearance— not her “cartoon” art. She’d never shown her drawings to anyone outside her family. We played the tape of what her parents had told her she “should” be, and we identified this refrain as her chorus. I explained the thunder of her own thoughts. en (and not before), we tackled her crutches and her anxiety about not being “enough,” which had led to fullblown anorexia. I helped her understand that a problem is never solved at the level of the problem and introduced the Comfort Cycle. Dr. Bonnie: Jennifer, I know it’s going to be uncomfortable, but I want you to describe for me exactly what you feel right before you make yourself sick. Give me an instance when you did this and tell me what happened right before that. I want to know what role the purging cycle is playing. If you trust me, I’ll give you tools to use to comfort yourself instead of harming yourself. When we can accomplish this, you’ll be on the road to recovery.

Jennifer: Okay, Dr. Bonnie. Here’s a great example. I can almost feel myself beginning to burn thinking about it. It was the day of the recital when I fainted. My mother had been making me nervous, saying she was worried I wasn’t prepared. I don’t know how she could think that because all I do is practice, and my instructor says I’m one of her best students. I came down from my room ready to go dressed in one of my best outfits, and she started screaming at me. Until that point, I’d been okay. I’d eaten lunch, just a salad, and I actually felt okay. I didn’t overeat. But my mother didn’t like the dress I had chosen. I had worn it before. So she ordered me to go up to my room and change. I stomped upstairs to change, but I was so mad, I could barely contain myself—so I didn’t. I locked myself in the bathroom and made myself throw up. I felt relieved for like three seconds, then I felt mad I’d done it. I know it’s unhealthy, but when I get that out-of-control feeling, it’s an escape valve. For a moment, it feels like I’m in control at least of something. Then I came back down wearing the dress she wanted me in, picture perfect. Her little virtuoso. I sat backstage waiting my turn. When it came, I made my way across the stage, sat down, played two movements of what I’d rehearsed, and then I passed out. Next thing I knew, I was in a hospital and my parents and a doctor were discussing my weight. I felt like a burden had lifted off my shoulders because they finally knew my secret. Dr. Bonnie: Okay, very good, Jennifer. That’s a lot. I want you to close your eyes. Think back to that moment when you got really upset. I bet your heart is racing after re-telling that story to me. Jennifer: It is, Dr. Bonnie. How did you know that? Dr. Bonnie: You aren’t the only one who feels this way. I want you to know that. Now, here’s what I call the Comfort Cycle. You’re back in that room after stomping up the stairs. You have the two dresses in your hand, and you’re furious. You feel like you just have to do SOMETHING! You have a passing fantasy of choking your mother (Jennifer chuckles), then the bathroom calls and you think about choking yourself. Your eyes come up. You step over to a mirror and tell yourself what you know is true. “Calm down, baby,” you say to yourself. “It’s alright.” You feel like you need to do something, but you don’t need to. You just sit there a moment and let this awful outof-control feeling roll over you like a wave. If tears flow, just let them. Jennifer, you have two choices. You can put on the dress she wants and tell yourself she can win this time. Or you can put on the dress you want and assert yourself without any drama. They’re both nice dresses. The fact you’ve worn one before is her problem, not yours. If you choose this route, be prepared to ignore her protests, for there can be no argument when only one of you fights. Breathe in deeply and exhale, and do that ten times. In for five; out for five. Let it go. Know that either choice is okay. You don’t have to fight every fight. You can slowly and deliberately take charge of yourself in a non-dramatic way that your mother will eventually respect. Ultimately, if you feel good about yourself, that’s all that matters. Not her approval.

Next, tell yourself, “I am a very good pianist. I enjoy making music for others’ enjoyment, and I will do this for me and for them. My mother is out of this. I’ll play music for as long as I feel it’s fun. When it stops being fun, I won’t do it again. I’ll refuse. I don’t have to make myself sick about it today or any day. I will become my own champion. Today, I will do this for me.” Sit through the pain. Sit through the doubt. Cry it out if you need to. Let it flow. The tears will stop. At some point, keep telling yourself, “I’m fine; I’m in control; it’s okay” until you feel your breath and heartbeat returning to normal and your shoulders relaxing. Compose yourself and then rejoice in the fact that THIS time you didn’t make yourself sick. THIS time you were in control because you felt terrible being out-of-control. THIS time you didn’t hurt yourself … Yay! Jennifer, we call this the Comfort Cycle. We can administer this type of caring to ourselves at life’s toughest moments, and we can offer it to others. If you were in a room with someone having a tough time, imagine walking over and sitting quietly by that person while offering loving reassurances. Now imagine that person in need is you and the person doing the comforting is you. Then you’ve got it!

A MEDICINE BAG OF COMFORT Whenever you need to feel comforted, use this medicine bag of actions: Pray. Many people nd comfort in prayer. Prayer is an act of realizing you’re not in control of everything. As a friend once said to another in her time of need, “Remember, it’s not you who makes the sun come up every day.” Meditate. e discipline of meditation not only resets the body and reduces cortisol, it resets the mind. Studies have shown that regular meditation reduces blood pressure and anxiety. (If you don’t know how to meditate, take a class.) Move your body. Take a walk, clean the house, walk the dog. All these help diffuse tension and put thoughts in perspective. Learn a new skill such as painting, drawing, or writing. Volunteer. is one is oen overlooked. Many troubled people may think they have nothing le to give. However, volunteering and feeling valued provide a terri c antidote to too much self-examination.

When you know how to comfort yourself, you can offer comfort to others. is has been the focus of my entire career. I share what I’ve learned dealing with my own pain and teach others that they, too, can survive through their own disappointments, traumas, and tragedies. Sit with others who are suffering—for their own sake and your own. ere’s no better way to gain perspective than trying on someone else’s burden for size. It can make your own troubles seem small. Stop trying to go it alone, and you’ll nd true relief.

When you know how to comfort yourself, you can offer comfort to others. Here’s the story of another courageous client, “Susan.”

Susan’s Story Susan was a young mother fighting for her life. Aer six weeks of radiation and chemotherapy for her cancer, she found herself alone with her two small, energetic children, wondering how she’d ever get through the day. When she finished her treatments, the friends who had flown in to stay with her went home. She was suddenly all alone and still in need. When Susan called her husband and asked if he would come home for lunch, he replied, “So sorry, but I’m going out to lunch with the guys. See you tonight.” Burnout had claimed her husband. He’d taken six weeks off from work to shuttle her to the oncology ward for her daily infusions of the toxic chemicals that would hopefully kill the cancer cells before they had a chance to kill her. She could hear it in his voice; he was flat-out done. Susan understood his needs; still, she couldn’t help but feel his message to her was “all the treatments are over so you’re on your own now.” rough her tears, I heard the heartbreak in this beautiful young 33-year-old mother’s voice—the fear, the loneliness, the anger. Not only had she finished six weeks of treatment, but the regimen had thrown her into menopause. She felt attacked. She’d temporarily held off the cancer cells in a body that had betrayed her, while her chorus was terrifying her and her small children were clamoring for lunch and attention! Susan called her parents, who lived nearby. ey, too, were thinking it was time Susan got a grip on herself, used hormone therapy, or did whatever it took to depend on herself. ey believed Susan was too emotional. Her mother said, “You’ve taken up our time for the past six weeks. Pull something out of the freezer for the kids for lunch. Handle it, Susan. I’ve gotta go.” And with that, her mother hung up the

phone. is le Susan feeling like a burden. It caused her lot of pain and frustration to ask her mother for help, and she felt humiliated.

Delivering the Comfort Cycle—by Phone is is why she came to me. My job was to comfort her over the phone from 1,800 miles away. I couldn’t reach out and hug her, hold her, or touch her in any way. is was unfortunate because I knew she needed a great big hug. If she were in my office, I’d administer the Comfort Cycle directly. But by phone, I had to get creative. In a soothing tone, I asked her questions and gently probed, imagining how we would step through it together. In addition to the technique of re-directing thoughts I shared with Jennifer, the Comfort Cycle can include: Waiting until the stressed person’s body relaxes, crying eases or stops, and facial tension dissolves. Providing a gentle physical touch—holding hands, placing your arm on a shoulder, or offering any other non-threatening, comforting touch. Listening actively. Muzzling your mouth. Not trying to x, agree, disagree, or state you know how it feels. It’s important to never say, “It wasn’t that bad” or to top someone’s story with your own. Just “zip it” and listen with your heart. Whether you are the supporter in the Comfort Cycle or comforting yourself, your job is to soothe and not add stress. You’re a reliever of stress. e best news? You can learn how to administer the Comfort Cycle to yourself and to others. One of the kindest things you can do is simply sit with another person, with no need to talk or do anything. You might even read aloud to the person in pain. Mainly, people need someone to sit with them and perhaps hold their hand. In the nal stages of life, this kind of care is called “palliative,” which means “painkilling”—that is, easing someone’s suffering without trying to x anything.

Questions for You • Can you remember how it felt to be comforted as a child? • Did the adults in your life seem to hear you? • Were you allowed to express yourself emotionally, or did you feel like an emotional beggar? • Does a display of emotions make you squirm? • Are you uncomfortable with silence?

Purposeful Direction • Name the crutches you developed trying to numb your pain. • Practice processing, not reacting; sit in your pain until you peace.

nd

• Embrace silence and allow it to take you to deeper levels of yourself. • Keep your mouth closed and your heart and ears open. • Go inside yourself to soothe your pain. Stop grasping outside yourself to numb it.

THE TAKEAWAY THOUGHT

Sit still in your thoughts until you know what your pain is trying to teach you.

CHAPTER 10

Change is Survival We underestimate our ability to change and over-estimate the ability for others to change.

N

—Dr. Bonnie Lyon

o one knew how old Floyd the old gray donkey was. He was in the pasture when the kids were born and was still there when the kids le home. He’d seen it all. Some days he roamed the hills; other days he was content to hang out under the sprawling sycamore. One moonlit night, pranksters took a short cut through Floyd’s pasture and decided to play a trick. With abandon, they threw Floyd down the old deserted well, guring someone would nd him in the morning and rescue him. ey saw it as an innocent, stupid joke. But there was no rescue for poor old Floyd. e farmer gave up searching for him and gured he’d wandered off to die somewhere in private. He missed Floyd but took comfort in knowing he’d provided this old donkey a good long life. Each day eld workers would nish up their day’s activities by throwing dirt and other roots and clippings down the old deep well in the pasture. ey, too, missed Floyd, but soon they didn’t give him a thought—until Halloween night. Just as everyone was leaving an old-fashioned barn dance, folks were riveted by an apparition, a silhouette in the light of the full moon. Rising from the well, lthy-dirty old Floyd emerged snorting and hee-hawing. He pulled up his weary bones, shook himself off, and walked away. What in the world? How could this be? It seemed every time the eld workers threw dirt down into the well, Floyd pawed his way up to the top of the dirt. Finally, the well was full enough that he could pull himself out! He worked with his unfortunate circumstances, refusing to be buried alive. He was old, but he wasn’t done living yet.

ARE YOU STUCK IN A WELL? ink about your childhood. Was it a nurturing time or did you incur wounds that haven’t yet healed? Here’s a dose of perspective. No one can parent beyond their own woundedness. Like a rusty family heirloom, the legacy of pain perpetuates itself generation aer generation. Broken children carry their pain into adulthood and pay it forward to their own children.

No one can parent beyond their own woundedness. Like a rusty family heirloom, the legacy of pain perpetuates itself generation aer generation. You may nally move through your pain, but you’ll need to look at it rst. I understand your reluctance, and you’re not alone. Families don’t talk about childhood pain and disillusionment, do they? Why not? Oen, it’s because everyone endures too much unresolved pain. ey don’t know what to do, and they feel shame. ey’ve developed dysfunctional coping mechanisms and addictive behaviors to numb and avoid their pain, generation aer generation. Many adults believe “what’s done is done” and because there’s nothing they can do about it, why talk about it? ey blame, avoid, and minimize. Sometimes they take their displaced anger out on their kids, in icting the same sort of wounding they were dealt as youngsters, which perpetuates the cycle. Now, with your increased awareness, this cycle can and must stop—with you. Let’s look at the types of pains that get carried from childhood.

THE FIVE WOUNDING PAINS OF CHILDHOOD Physical and emotional abuse

Physical and emotional neglect Incest (happens within a family) Molestation (happens outside the family) Rejection (the rst wound) Being heard is an important rst step. When I walk clients back in time to discover the origins of their pain, I oen nd that what people don’t want to confront happened when they were young children. People bury their trauma because they think no one will listen or believe them. Since you picked up this book, you’ve been asked to pretend you’re in my office—a place where you’ll feel emotionally heard. Did you know the reason people bury their trauma is they believe no one will listen or believe them? ey oen think a kind of statute of limitations applies to childhood trauma and they’re expected to move on. But moving on isn’t possible without understanding what’s happened. Yet, unless a vital connection is made between counselor and client, the client may not feel safe enough to move forward. Keep this in mind as I guide you through an exploration to discover the origins of your pain. It was back in your imperfect childhood when you heard the chorus and other voices in your head working tirelessly against you. ere were the extra faces in the mirror, the extra voices in your mind. Trust me that you can do this on your own with guidance. You can move through the pain, and you’ll start to feel better.

THE HOLY FAMILY Paradoxically, many adults who are consciously aware they’ve experienced trauma within their family still “saint” their families. ey may realize it was highly dysfunctional and even destructive, but loyalty simply won’t allow them to condemn or even question members of their family. Actual healing means looking back at what happened and who was involved—not to place blame but to extract an understanding of what happened. Most important, as a mere child, know that you could not have caused the trauma in icted on

you by a dysfunctional family member. Once you understand and accept this, you can choose let it go. Let me tell you “Olivia’s” story. At every turn of her life, she rose above negative forces that threatened to stop her progress and derail her success. She never allowed anything to get the better of her. She made changes every step of the way to heed her own internal voice when it said, “is isn’t for you … press on.”

Olivia’s Story I heard the click of a car lock and listened outside my office window. A beautiful young woman was striding up the steps to my office. In she came and, extending her hand, she said, “Hello, Dr. Bonnie. I’m Olivia Harper. I have a two o’clock appointment with you.” We settled into our individual chairs and prepared to get acquainted. She was exceptionally articulate with a poise and command about her. As she described the surface of her life, she seemed to have the world in her hands, but I knew better. Aer exchanging pleasantries, we quickly got down to business. Olivia had married into a large, well-known, financially strong family. At first, she’d been lovingly embraced by all her in-laws who had encouraged and supported the marriage. She had relocated to be married and found herself living amidst a family dynasty of her husband’s mother, siblings, and cousins. At first, this large family was her dream come true, her fantasy fulfilled. But sitting in my office, the words tumbling out of her mouth reflected confusion and self-doubt. Olivia: My siblings and I were put in foster care when I was seven. My mother had a drug problem. Initially, she cleaned up her act and got sober. Within four months, we were reunited as a family. Sadly, the reunion only lasted eight months. My mother couldn’t deal with four kids when her unresolved demons came back, so we were all put in foster care, each of us placed in a different family. Not only were we separated from our mother but were split apart as siblings—like puppies out for adoption, torn apart and scared to death. At seven, my world imploded. My foster families were unfamiliar and foreboding. I always looked at other kids and wondered why I was so unlovable that my mother had given me away. By the time she gave up parental rights, my dad had been gone from the family for years. I couldn’t understand what was so wrong with me and my siblings that we were just given away to foster care. Why couldn’t I have a house and parents—at least a mother—if not a mother and a father? Why couldn’t I live with my brothers and sisters? I cried myself to sleep for months. In eight years, I was placed in six different foster homes, never belonging anywhere or to anyone. Mostly my foster parents were nice to me, but I always knew they weren’t my real parents. I remained the outsider looking in, flooded with shame because I was not good enough. I felt unwanted and alone.

By seventeen, I’d had enough. Off to the courts I marched, determined to have a better life emancipated from foster families. I’d been working at Sears part-time since age sixteen and was frugal with my money. I had enough saved to rent my own apartment while I was a senior in high school. That job didn’t cover my expenses so I got a second job as a night receptionist in a doctor’s office. I worked until seven in the evening five days a week after I got out of school. Things improved when I realized with certainty that I did belong to someone—myself. I was dedicated to taking good care of me and never, ever needing to rely on others to take responsibility for me. I belonged to myself. Emancipation was sweet! I didn’t get a car until I was nineteen. Instead, I got around on my bicycle. It took me everywhere I needed to go—to school, home, and work. When I graduated from high school, I enrolled in a medical assistant training program. Then I had a succession of odd jobs to pay tuition for an EMT course and was hired as dispatcher for an ambulance company, working from six until ten at night. I went to my night job at a local gas station and worked from midnight to six in the morning. Saturday nights, I was a cocktail waitress. For three years, I plowed through this rigorous work schedule until it paid off. That’s when I was offered an amazing position in sales in a medical corporation. At the age of twenty-four, I earned a salary of $110,000. No more bicycles for me; I could buy a car, a new car if I wanted, although I stayed true to my frugal nature. Responsibility and independence became the capstones of my life. Along came another medical company to snatch me away, offering a position and salary I couldn’t refuse. However, the job meant moving away from all that was familiar to me. Soon after moving, not only did I have a fabulous sales position, but I met a handsome young stranger who worked his way into my heart. Wedding bells rang. I’d never known such happiness as my childhood fantasy had come true! Jake’s family was large and loving, and laughter filled their gatherings. I felt like a princess, a long-lost daughter in the family I’d always longed for! Life was more than perfect; it was “to die for.” When I had a baby and shifted to working part-time, however, it seemed the honeymoon was over. Dr. Bonnie: As you speak, you seem so sure of yourself and you’re so accomplished. What’s causing you such emotional turmoil? Olivia: I feel lost and alone again, like I did when I was a child. The panicky, empty feelings are back. Even though I now have real family members who love and want me, things seem very wrong. Dr. Bonnie: Can you tell me more specifically? Olivia: They’re so big as life, so loving, so loud, I get lost among them. I feel insignificant like an outsider. Jake complains I’m too serious and take things too personally. He puts down my opinions and discounts my concerns as if I don’t have a brain and he needs to think for me. Dr. Bonnie: That surely must be disconcerting. Obviously, you have a very good brain. You’re capable of making important decisions.

Olivia: That’s what I thought, but now I’m waffling … doubting. Maybe it’s me. Maybe I’m too serious like he says. He’s told me I’m not the fun-loving girl he met and married. And I’m not. Now I’m a mother. I feel protective of Abe and concerned about him when I leave him with Jake or his parents. Jake has an aunt I feel comfortable leaving Abe with, although I haven’t. Am I being too controlling? Am I being too possessive of my son? Dr. Bonnie: Is it when they’re drinking, when Jake has had too much, that you become concerned? Olivia: Mostly, but not always. Sometimes I think they’re all on drugs. Working as a drug rep, I know the signs of abuse. I don’t like to think these thoughts or question these people. They’re such a wonderful family, the family I never had. Yet, I sense something is very wrong about them.

Olivia went on to describe how Jake allowed his large family to intimidate her. ey sided with him on every concern she brought up. When she wouldn’t drink with them, they began questioning her. What Olivia had longed for all her life, a large family, was covering for her husband’s addictive behaviors. Family members enabled him to abuse her by condoning and minimizing not only his behaviors but theirs as well. When the proverbial stuff hit the fan, the more I probed, the more it all came out. Olivia: One night I called 911 just before Jake tore the phone out of my hand. I pressed charges of domestic violence. His family was furious with me and won’t even acknowledge my existence. They see Abe only through Jake. This leaves my stomach in knots. It’s not the way I wanted it to be. The situation is more than I can wrap my mind around, yet it’s happening. Dr. Bonnie: Broken dreams and shattered expectations can certainly affect your grasp of reality. Are you willing to see reality, Olivia? I understand your pain is deep, so heavy and hurtful. Yet the way out of your life-altering pain is through it. Are you ready to give up your confusion? Can look reality in the face and shine the light of truth on the situation so you can clearly see what you’re dealing with? Olivia: Yes, I must—for Abe’s sake. I want this nightmare to end—at any cost.

With my encouragement, Olivia took the first steps. While Abe she moved out and got her own place. Jake protested, but he let her go. He didn’t have a choice and didn’t try to physically block her move. ey agreed to a weekly couple’s counseling session. However, because the problem is never solved at the level of the problem, Jake wasn’t committed to digging deep enough to get to the root of their issues. ree months into their separation, Jake served her divorce papers. Steroids and alcohol are a brutal combination. He was numbing his indignity over this situation with Olivia with many forms of addiction. He sank deeper into his pain and covered it up with anything that would deaden it. He loved Olivia, but he didn’t like her for uncovering and highlighting all the dysfunction in him and his family. Who was she to expose them? But Olivia’s story has a happy ending. Jake, who is now clean and sober, credits Olivia for saving his life. He admitted if she hadn’t been adamant about blowing the whistle on him, he would have died of a drug

overdose. With tears in his eyes, he thanked her for giving him his life back. He still loves her. She loves him, too, but she won’t get too close. She has moved on and is happy in a new relationship. A welladjusted, carefree little boy, Abe is thriving in a real home and functional family. He loves to play, looks forward to Christmas and birthday presents, and is living the life Olivia never had—but does now. He knows he belongs and is wanted. When I asked Olivia to what she attributes her success, she stated, “I never had anyone to depend on. It was sheer survival. I didn’t have parents to go back home to so I had no choice but to depend on me and learn to belong to myself. I always heard my own voice the loudest, and I listened to myself no matter what anyone else said.” Her mantra is this: It is not how many times you get down; it’s how many times you get up.

No one can rescue you from your own choices. When Olivia’s perception of having the family of her dreams was shattered, she had the courage to seek help. By refusing to go into denial about her reality, she chose to be proactive, acknowledge her pain, and make big changes. In doing so, she broke the legacy of pain she’d grown up with. Olivia has become a card-carrying member of the Embrace Change Club, refusing to get stuck in pain or live a lie denying reality and enabling addictions. To her, change was not optional; it truly meant survival in all areas of her life.

Questions for You • Are you tolerating something you know isn’t right? • In what ways do you neglect to take care of yourself? • What needs to happen for you to wake up and deal with your situation? • What is your biggest fear about owning your pain?

Purposeful Direction

• Identify the anxieties that come up when you consider making changes in your life. • Recognize the changes in your life you know are critical yet you minimize their importance. • Distinguish between surviving and thriving. • Realize the price you are actively paying for staying the same.

THE TAKEAWAY THOUGHT

Take care of yourself so nobody else has to!

CHAPTER 11

Unlocking Resiliency and Tenacity The race is not to the swift, but to those who endure to the end.

J

—Anonymous

une and her husband were sick and tired of the feral cats using their back yard for a litter box. ey took charge, positioning a set-andrelease trap in the yard, complete with tantalizing Purina Cat Chow to draw them in. e next morning, June was still on her rst cup of coffee when she heard a loud commotion out back. Imprisoned in that trap was a mighty angry squirrel frantically trying to claw his way out. He was running up one side and down the other, not nding an escape route to save his life. Hissing and fuming, this thing had indeed gone “squirrely.” ey reset the trap, hoping to do a better job of catching a cat the next night. Sure enough, early the next morning June heard another commotion out back. is time, to her surprise and horror, she found a skunk in the cat trap. She watched in amazement as that black and white “cat” delicately nibbled at his breakfast. When he was through with his meal, he calmly reached through the wire cage and pulled in paw aer paw of green grass, piling it into a corner. When he was nished, he nestled down in the bed he had made for himself and dried off to sleep. What a contrast to the squirrel the day before! Who would have thought a skunk would be wiser and calmer than a squirrel? Clearly, the squirrel and skunk had different perspectives on that trap, didn’t they? Most of life’s challenges are made easier or more difficult with a change of perspective. When you were young, learning to ride a bicycle looked simple until you tried it, but you persevered because you wanted to ride! A short time later, you realized the result was, indeed, worth all those skinned knees.

Most of life’s challenges are made easier or more difficult with a change of perspective. A SIMPLE REQUEST When people asked me to “put my brain on paper” to write a book, it sounded like a simple request. Aer thinking about it for several years, I nally got serious about doing it. Little did I know how much tenacity it would take to write it! Let me explain what I’ve been doing in a recent week to get this work done. Monday dawned bright and early, and I was eager to put more of my “brain on paper.” However, my computer refused to cooperate. Realizing I couldn’t proceed without its participation, I was forced to seek technical help to continue. I made call aer call. Monday evening, as the sun went down at 10 p.m., I realized I’d been sitting in the same chair since 8:00 a.m. I felt myself pushing down feelings of frustration and exhaustion. First thing the next morning, I made another call for technical support. Aer an additional two and a half hours on the phone, my “helper” gave up and advised me to take my computer to a physical location for hands-on help. I made an appointment to see a real live person who assured me he could x it. With mounting anxiety, I knew time was of the essence. But another expert told me he was stymied. He directed me to yet another source of help I didn’t even know existed. Pumping myself up and reframing the situation, I zeroed in on the location only to nd it was a recently vacated space in the mall. No one home. How could something so simple and straightforward be so difficult to resolve? is became a Starbucks moment. So armed with caffeine, I soldiered on in search of a help center that was open and functioning, not a mirage. “Tenacity” means pushing on despite obstacles and refusing to let circumstances defeat you. I located a new help center across town that presented itself with friendly, eager voices. Soon, I was able to return home

with a restored computer and resume writing this book. But aer rewriting what had previously been lost, my computer shut down completely. at’s when I lost everything I’d entered all week!

“Tenacity” means pushing on despite obstacles and refusing to let circumstances defeat you. Is this book worth writing? Should I scrap this project? It all seemed like a smattered mess. Disappointment and a great sense of loss ooded my thoughts. What am I doing wrong? Why isn’t this working? Does my message have redeeming value or should I just forget the whole thing? I knew being angry would only elevate my blood pressure and giving into discouragement would only lead to depression. So, in my best interests, I maintained faith in my message and committed to follow through with what I’d set out to do. I had designated the previous week as uninterrupted time with my editor at hand to help me complete the book. at didn’t turn out to be reality. With unmitigated determination, I walked once more into the help center I had been to earlier in the week. For the technicians to do a full diagnostic evaluation and restoration, I’d have to leave the computer for three to ve business days. at meant the time I had allocated to complete the book would be unproductive. It’s like my computer and partner in this project would be taking sick leave. Re ecting on the week, I was amazed to realize I’d spoken to 11 different people who offered 11 different diagnoses and 11 different solutions to my dilemma. I’d decided not to be defeated, and I kept my focus on writing. I’m no hero, just stubbornly tenacious. I remembered who I am, kept focused on my goal, and refused to be defeated by the circumstances. I wouldn’t give in to a hostile takeover of my attitude and behavior. It was my choice to turn an untenable situation into an opportunity to take a break. And so I did, just like the skunk.

ONE STEP FORWARD, TWO BACK People who think their problems can be resolved with a few days of counseling aren’t prepared for the setbacks they’ll need to work through. Neuropsychologists have documented that it takes at least 30 months for an individual’s brain to be rewired and for the person to change behaviors. Yet most people want a quick x. ey think that aer three or four sessions, when their pain has lessened, they don’t need to continue counseling. When pain is no longer running their life, they prematurely assume that everything is xed. Counseling gets a bad rap when people think an issue is resolved before they’ve gotten to the core of the problem—because the issues always come back. Full recovery takes time, whether it’s for a computer or a person. It takes both follow-up and follow-through.

When pain is no longer running their life, most people prematurely assume that everything is fixed. WHAT STORIES DO YOU TELL YOURSELF? We’re all tempted to make up stories of how we’ve suffered when our preferred stories get derailed. However, we can make ourselves even more miserable by creating a story around our misery or by giving up. My preferred story is this: By setting aside a certain amount of time to complete writing this book, if I did my part, it would get nished. But reality didn’t cooperate. Flexibility and remembering the outcome I was aer enabled me to responsibly deal with the situation. I didn’t allow my emotions to control me and make up a “misery” story. Feeling responsible to deal with my situation directly opposed the message my emotions were screaming at me: row that bleeping computer through the window! roughout this whole ordeal, I remembered that my response was my responsibility. It took a great deal of awareness, focus, and purposeful effort to follow through without reverting to being an adult baby. Did I get frustrated? Absolutely! Was I disappointed? Positively! But I made a

conscious choice not to be a victim in my own story. Instead, I made up a tale of how this book would be even better because I took a forced intermission. Rather than focus on the difficulties, I chose to believe it would all work out, that there was a purpose for all the interruption. I refused to let a computer failure dampen my world. I dropped off my computer, recruited my editor, and did what all women do well: We headed straight for the summer sales racks! is was a positive step so we could be at “cause.”

It took a great deal of awareness, focus, and purposeful effort to follow through without reverting to being an adult baby. FLEXIBILITY WINS—GUMMY WORMS RULE I love gummy worms! Just thinking about them makes my mouth water. Sometimes I like to think I am one; they are so exible, colorful, and sweet! By contrast, rigidity steals our peace. I’d much rather see myself as a gummy worm than a hard, rigid stick of candy incapable of bending under pressure. How sad it would be to be broken by circumstances that were out of our control. When was the last time you let your emotions rule you? Can you step back, reframe the situation, and be exible? Flexibility turns a negative, sour situation into a positive, purposeful outcome. Remember: Let exibility rule. A plan is just a plan, not an absolute. Make up a good story with a positive outcome. Never let rigidity rob you of your goals. Bend with the winds of circumstance.

Your response is your responsibility. KEEPING YOUR EYES ON THE GOAL On the foggy morning of July 4, 1952, Florence Chadwick waded into the numbing cold waters of Catalina Island, just off the coast of Southern California. Her goal was to swim the channel from the island to the shore. An accomplished long-distance swimmer, she’d been the rst woman to swim the English Channel in both directions. e fog was so thick that morning that Florence could barely see the support boats rowing beside her. Several times during her swim, sharks had to be driven away with ri e re. She persevered for more than 15 hours before she quit. Being so close to her goal, her trainer desperately encouraged her to keep on swimming. But the fog was so thick she couldn’t see the land even though it was only one mile away. Later she said if she could have seen the land, she would have continued. In this case, the fog had prevented her from realizing her goal. Two months aer Florence gave up, she tried again. is time she swam the whole distance and set a new speed record in the process. e difference? On this day, no fog obscured her view and she could see the land ahead! For me, this book would never have come into being if I had given my power away to the “fog” of peculiarities of an inanimate object called a computer. Likewise, you won’t achieve your goal if you don’t persevere until you reach it, despite circumstances. So many times, it’s tempting to throw in the towel out of sheer exhaustion and frustration. You think “everybody but me gets what they want,” “I’ll never get it right,” or “no matter what I do, it never works out,” so you quit and forsake your dreams.

You won’t achieve your goal if you don’t persevere until you reach it despite circumstances.

It takes a concerted effort to be bigger than your challenge. Mostly it takes tenacity to keep your eyes on the goal and perseverance until you reach it! Keep in mind: e ultimate “why” of your goal. Your unique ability to accomplish your goal. e outcome you have chosen.

Questions for You • When’s the last time you shut down like my computer did? • When your plans abruptly change, do you become a squirrel or a skunk? • What goals have you given up on out of sheer frustration and exhaustion? • What’s your story? Everybody has one.

Purposeful Direction • Make an inventory of how your rigidity perpetuates your pain. • List all the times in your life you’ve wanted to give up but persevered instead. Write about those outcomes. • Give up the story of how you’ve suffered; write a story of how you want your life to be.

THE TAKEAWAY THOUGHT

Your response to adversity doesn’t have to define you, but it will reveal you.

CHAPTER 12

Stop Succumbing to Stress We don’t have a choice over how or when we’re going to die, but we do have a choice about how we’re going to live.

L

—Anonymous

ife is messy! But you don’t have to let the things going on around you affect what is going on inside you. You can unlock yourself from the pressures of stress.

Isn’t it amazing what we allow stress to do to our health? Too oen, we unwittingly grant stress permission to take charge. It’s that feeling in the pit of our stomachs when the “unknown” runs rampant like butter ies out of formation, uttering into each other like bumper cars. Too much of this and your stress can lead to disease because you refuse to manage or acknowledge it. Guess what? Stress has been identi ed as a silent contributor to diseases such as cancer. I’m a cancer survivor, and I don’t discount genetics, but stress is certainly a factor. Stress affects everyone, and when you become aware of this, you can modify your behavior and bring it under control. Stress can: Send your heart into overdrive, pounding at four times its natural rate. Constrict your blood vessels and raise your blood pressure to dangerous levels. Cause overeating or shut down your stomach and digestive system. Drain the blood from your face and skin. Scramble your immune system. Wreck your ability to sleep.

Turn off sexual interest and reproduction. Slow down the healing process. Increase the risk of skin, periodontal, and autoimmune disease. Turn off short-term memory and rational thought. Literally shrink part of your brain. Does this sound like bad news to you? I’ll bet you’d go out of your way to avoid any drug that could do this to you, right? Yet you give yourself doses of one every single day. is drug is called cortisol, the most famous of the glucocorticoids or stress hormones. When you’re stressed out, your body provides a daily over-supply of them. Be aware that, when you say “I’m stressed out!” you really mean “I can’t relax!” Events and tasks pile up throughout the day causing pressure added to carryovers over from the previous day. Soon you’re scrambling to deal with it all. ings don’t get resolved, you’re not able to relax, and soon you’re bathing in a sea of cortisol. Stress is the polar-opposite of relaxation.

Be aware that when you say, “I’m stressed out!” you really mean “I can’t relax!” SURVIVAL EVOLUTION Stress is your body gearing up to tackle a threatening situation. It responds to threats by sending out stress hormones in all directions. Out of your brain comes adrenalin; out of your adrenal glands comes cortisol. Your hormones are like messengers rushing through your body with a megaphone announcing, “Attention! Prepare for action!” is is known as the “ ght or ight” response. Your heart, your muscles, your skin, and the rest of you have all been warned. Aer the threat is over, your systems are supposed to go back to relax mode.

By itself, “ ght or ight” isn’t a bad response because it makes sure all systems are on high alert to act on a threat. It’s helpful when you need to save a child from a burning building or run from a snarling dog. When the all-clear signal is given, your heart rate goes back down and life goes on. You’re hungry and grab a snack to make up for the energy you used when you raced through those ames and dealt with the urgent danger. You see how cortisol and the other stress hormones help you in the short term. e problem comes when your stress experience is constant. In the case of unending stress, those same hormones that help us on occasion can make us exceedingly sick. ey can even kill us when they’re ooding our bodies every day. Today, we don’t have to run from wildebeests or saber-tooth tigers. Chances are, we’re not even called upon to rescue a child from a burning building. Most of our stressors are either imagined and unnecessary or completely manageable—but we prime ourselves to stay keyed up on stress. If you’re living a typical modern lifestyle, these hormonal changes can happen within you every single hour, not just every day. Here’s how.

THREE KINDS OF MODERN STRESS Stress - Daily stress, such as a driver cutting you off while driving to work. Eustress - Motivating stress, such as preparing dinner for guests. Distress - Stress that’s destructive because the cortisol level remains unabated for too long. Your adrenalin is unrelenting. Your brain can literally shrink. It’s rare that any of these stressors are as life threatening as, say, running from a hungry lion. However, your body can’t distinguish the difference between perceived stress and real stress, so aer a while, it becomes conditioned to release the hormones on a regular basis.

e good news is your brain can manage stress when you get a grip on what you’re thinking and make the effort to downsize your stress. Here’s how you can proactively reduce stress and return to a calm equilibrium.

WAYS TO DE-STRESS Become aware of your mental and emotional state. Use discipline to harness your thinking. Slow down and choose to breathe consciously. Relax your jaw and unclench your sts. Take a break and move your body. Go for a brisk walk. Consistent exercise is essential for your physical, emotional, and mental well-being. Whenever you can, take someone you enjoy along with you on that brisk walk, either with a two-legged or four-legged friend. Going by yourself? Take along a good podcast or some relaxing music to listen to along the way. Other ways to downsize your stress include: Maintain healthy nutrition. - Eat healthy food on a regular basis. You know what that looks like. If you don’t, then see a nutritionist or ask a doctor. Supplement with B and C vitamins. - Increase the dose as your stress escalates and talk to a knowledgeable person about other supplements to suit you. Sleep well. - Get the number of hours your body requires. If you thrive on six hours nightly, get six. If you run best on eight, get eight. Keep consistent sleep patterns. - Set a routine go-to-bed time and wake-up time every day.

Support good sleep. - If you struggle to sleep, try a blacked-out room with no electronics. Charge your phone in another room and don’t view a screen for at least 60 minutes before retiring. Limit your daily news exposure. Become aware of your runaway thoughts and lasso them. Remember, every thought has a chemistry. e chemistry of negative thoughts creates negative emotions, which cause sleep-depriving stress.

START TRUSTING YOUR GUT Your body knows how to warn you about “over the top” stress and sends you signals. So why aren’t you listening? Slow down and deal with whatever’s causing it. Stop saying you’re too busy. Deal with this. Heed the early warnings of physical disaster. Do something different. e inklings you’re ignoring aren’t going away—unless you do something. Cemeteries are full of folks who pretended “it could never happen to me.” Stress results from pretending to be what you’re not or pretending everything is okay when it’s not. Dealing with stress involves being honest with yourself and making necessary changes. at means rst overcoming your natural resistance to change. Did I put a scare into you? en stop right now and take a deep breath.

Reframe Stress into Strength ink of something funny and work up a laugh. Guess what? Laughter works like medicine and oods your brain with serotonin, norepinephrine, and dopamine—hormones that counteract cortisol. You’ll feel better by taking a daily spoonful of this happy juice. Let your face re ect your joy, so you don’t walk around looking like the photo on your driver’s license! Give yourself permission to take time out to relax every single day. For example, watch the Comedy Channel on TV; teach your dog stupid pet tricks; act as if your life depends on laughter. It does!

Questions for You • Is it difficult to fall or stay asleep and wake up rested? • How many hours a day are you in front of a screen: a phone, computer, television, tablet? • Do you behave like a head on a platter and exclude taking care of your body? • Do you have anxiety or panic attacks? • Are you in poor health or overweight?

Purposeful Direction • Slow down, calm down, and breathe. • Love yourself extravagantly and re ect that love to others. • Forgive lavishly and live in the present. • Laugh openly even at yourself and refuse to judge others.

THE TAKEAWAY THOUGHT

Reframe your negative stress with humor.

CHAPTER 13

My Own “Stop Pretending” Story I am more than my eyesight.

J

—Dr. Bonnie Lyon

acksonville, Florida, 1966. Our high school band was invited to play in the Gator Bowl and perform the pre-game show. It was a freezing cold January night, but we were a hot band! e air crackled with excitement as thousands of loud, crazy football fans lled the stadium to over owing. I was a senior in high school. I loved wearing my purple and white band uniform—especially the big white plume that stuck straight up out of my hat! e spats were another matter. Putting them on was like stuffing spaghetti into a sandwich-size baggie. It wasn’t easy, but it could be done. From head to toe, I was raring to go! But I was scared. I was a great pretender. I pretended to see as well as everybody else could. e truth was I could see fairly well during the day, but when the sun went down, my eyesight went with it. It’s called night blindness. I tried to tell my parents I couldn’t see in the dark, but they wouldn’t see that I couldn’t see. So when the sun went down, I’d li my eyes in search of some kind of light. A porchlight? A streetlight? A Dairy Queen? Back at the Gator Bowl, it was 7:15 p.m. and our band was urgently being called to attention. We began marching in single le, heads up, shoulders back, knees high. We headed toward the goal post to prepare for our performance. en it happened! A nanosecond power surge plunged the entire stadium into inky black darkness! Where are they? I can’t see! Am I in line? Suddenly, with a bright, blinding ash, the lights again ooded the eld. I could see again! But to my horror, I was all alone on the eld marching

toward the 50-yard line! Over the loudspeaker came a booming voice, “ere’s a lone clarinet player on the fiy yard line!” Amidst thunderous applause from thousands of fans, a red-faced drum major marched robotically out to rescue me. I knew I was in big, big trouble! I marched in his wake back to the end of the eld and assumed my position. en the two of us marched the most memorable pre-game show in Gator Bowl history (at least in my mind). I wish I could tell you my pretending stopped that night, but it didn’t. It took many more years of pretending that broken bones didn’t hurt, pretending not to feel the pain of a broken spirit. e morning I looked in the mirror and nobody looked back at me numbed me out so much, it deepened my resolve to pretend. Long aer my sight was gone, I pretended to see what I no longer could.

Long aer my sight was gone, I pretended to see what I no longer could. When a renowned retina specialist pronounced with nality that I’d never see again, my pretending days were over. I had a choice to make. ere was nothing I could do to regain my eyesight, but I refused to lose my vision. I was more than my eyesight. So I reframed the situation to take control of my new life. Every challenge comes with its perks so I purposefully focused on nding the positives: I wouldn’t have to see myself age, I could justify permanent makeup, and my lighting bill would plummet.

No SHOCKING BEHAVIORS Whether you’re working through this book by yourself or with the assistance of a counselor, know that there’s nothing you’re doing that hasn’t been done before. Oen a client says, “Dr. Bonnie, you’re not going to like this,” afraid of shocking me. It’s hard to shock me. I’ve listened to stories of all sorts of destructive behaviors. Substance and alcohol abuse, eating disorders, raging,

hair pulling, and cutting are just a few of the behaviors regularly confessed on my couch. Many clients carry deep embarrassment and shame. ey have a hard time telling me how they’ve been getting through their pain and what they’ve resorted to so they could maintain a front of being “okay.” But I’m rarely shocked. My clients think they’re unique, and that belief becomes part of their shame. ey think someone else is handling their issues better than they are. As a counselor, I know this behavior is typical when the pain and stress of life has gone unrelieved. e longer someone waits to deal with his or her pain, the harder it can be to avoid destructive coping mechanisms.

e longer someone waits to deal with his or her pain, the harder it can be to avoid destructive coping mechanisms. When my clients con de in me about their self-destructive behavior, my reply is always the same no matter what avor of destruction they’ve chosen. “Wow! I’m fascinated by how you keep choosing this for yourself. You’re good at this, aren’t you?” It’s important to consistently remind clients that their actions and behaviors are the results of choices. eir choices. If there’s anything life threatening in what they do, I encourage them to seek medical help. Otherwise, I keep the focus on the power they already have to change. No matter what’s happened or what they’ve been doing to themselves, I put the responsibility right where it belongs—in the client’s hands. I never promise that getting over their problem—addiction, for example—is easy. However, I will say that recovering from such self-abuse is possible, given the right information and the right tools. en they have to do the work.

YOU’VE WORKED HARD TO FORGET You can’t know what you don’t know, and many clients come to me knowing only two things: 1) they’re hurting and 2) they have to do something. ey don’t know where to begin.

Oen, they say, “Dr. Bonnie, what I went through hurts so bad, I can’t forget it, but I don’t want to remember it either!” I can’t erase your past, true, but I can help you change how it presents in your life. When you have deep pain, you learn how to function in that pain. It becomes your normal as you believe that particular pain is an unavoidable part of your life. “It is what it is,” you say. “Nothing I can do about it—drown it, stuff it, hide it, carry on, right?” WRONG! When you choose to bury traumatic experiences and hurt without dealing with them, you make “non-coping” your coping method. Instead, give yourself a way to change how you’ve been dealing or not dealing with these hurts. Because you are capable of learning to reframe the way you see your past—even a painful, traumatic past—you can better manage your present state. Until and unless you have the courage to take the time to face yourself, all other attempts at self-help will fail. Self-honesty is the fundamental building block upon which all hope and healing reside.

Until and unless you have the courage to take the time to face yourself, all other attempts at self-help will fail.

Questions for You • What shame are you trying to cover up by pretending? • How are you choosing to compensate for your pain? • Which of your fears are bigger than life? • Who needs to give you permission to stop pretending?

Purposeful Direction

• Take a good look at yourself. Are you marching into the darkness or into the light? • Re-evaluate the darkness of your pain and determine to walk away from it. • Review the chapters that will give you the determination you need to go forward. • Picture yourself over owing with hope for the future. You now have the tools to nally deal with the past.

THE TAKEAWAY THOUGHT

Stop pretending that pain doesn’t hurt!

EPILOGUE

Loving Yourself and Forgiving Others It’s time to reload love!

I

—Dr. Bonnie Lyon

t’s time to begin intentionally loving the wounded child within you who was caught at a young age in the cross re of life when she had no control over it. It’s time to love her for not knowing what she couldn’t have known and set her free to know and grow right now! Do you want to reload love? If so, venture out with the wisdom you’ve gained and invest it in living and loving your life. e journey is exhilarating. It’s time to reload love—for you!

MY MISSION Like the spawning salmon, I feel as if I’ve always been swimming upstream, against the currents of life. Although life’s challenges have been exhausting at times, those challenges have forced me to develop strong muscles of determination and faith. When I discovered I was to be blind the last two-thirds of my life, I decided it was important to me to be a high-functioning, contributing person who just happens to be blind. ankfully, this work of mine is both personally and professionally driven. When my clients are trapped in hopelessness, self-pity, or rage, I help them turn around their thinking and their behaviors. I provide tools that give them the ability to never give up, cave in, or become victims of their circumstances. I hope I’ve accomplished the same thing with you through this book. At the very least, I hope you are starting to think in the right direction.

Living what I teach, I let people know me: my humanity, my heart, and my ability. Even though I’ve lost my sight, my vision for what’s possible, for myself and everyone else, has never been clearer! Circumstances don’t have to dictate our attitudes. It’s the strength of our souls that opens the doors of possibility, whatever the situation may be. So be sure to open your soul and embrace the best God has in store for you. My blindness is a gi. Can you look at the burdens you have carried, see the gis in them, and then release those burdens and set yourself free?

I never knew who I could be until God gave me a new vision by taking away my sight. It allowed me to truly see who I was created to be. My mission is to help others see who they can be.

THE TAKEAWAY THOUGHT

It’s time for the eagle to stop being a chicken and soar.

The Final Takeaway Cancer can take away all of my physical abilities. It cannot touch my mind, it cannot touch my heart, and it cannot touch my soul.

C

—Jim Valvano

ancer is life-threatening; blindness is life-altering; addictive behaviors have taken a crooked path. ose diagnosed with cancer are directed to speci c protocols that will (hopefully) lead to remission. When people lose their vision, they learn to see in different ways and oen nd even more satisfaction and ful llment in life. Yet when someone is ensnarled in addictive behaviors, the prognosis can be as devastating as terminal cancer or as emotionally crippling as it might be for a blind person who won’t pick up a cane. Life throws us unexpected curve balls. e way we catch them and remain in the game despite the circumstances governs the quality of our lives or the isolation of our days.

Life throws us unexpected curve balls. e way we catch them and remain in the game governs the quality of our lives or the isolation of our days. Sometimes a strong enough impetus for change only arises when life has crushed us and there’s nowhere to go but up. But we can’t do what we don’t know how to do. Change only becomes possible when we: Acknowledge our pain and own it. Have the courage and determination to get to the root of it. Stop going through the tunnel alone and become open to getting help.

We’ve all been wounded, disappointed, rejected, put down, made fun of, lied to, abandoned, and disillusioned on the way to growing up. Many of us didn’t have the tools to handle such hurt or deal with the stress in our lives. When stress isn’t addressed, it can lead to exhausting anxiety and go on to deep dark depression. We pop prescription pills to alleviate our suffering, yet they only mask our symptoms at best. A pill has never cured disease; it only dulls our senses.

IT’S YOUR CHOICE When you no longer choose to live in your pain and you’re willing to look in the mirror at your own dysfunction, change can occur and be maintained. Yes, the human spirit is resilient and capable of profound transformation. Believe it or not, the odds are in your favor. But you must want change more than your spouse wants it, more than your parents plead for it, more than your boss insists on it, and more than your doctor demands it. is step must be your choice. ankfully, the human brain and the human heart are phenomenal resources. You can use them to help yourself. You have no excuse. I hope you’ve learned with as much vigor as I have imparted the information. As with in-person clients, I aim to work myself out of a role with you. It’s your job to go through the tunnel integrating new skills and awareness into your life.

It’s your job to go through the tunnel integrating new skills and awareness into your life. Keep using your new knowledge to feel safe, not only in places but also with people. No one can let you down or get to you ever again without your consent. You are armed and protected. Let that knowledge be the power that pays great dividends in the richness of your life.

THE FINAL TAKEAWAY THOUGHT

Life doesn’t have to be perfect to be wonderful!

Acknowledgments My heart is full of love and appreciation for the brave women who agreed to share their stories with me and then have allowed me to share their stories with you. I extend warm appreciation to my sister Dee Gregory for her never-ending support and technical help. To Paul Lyon for his continual support. To Katrina Lyon for being a loyal sounding board. To Dr. Mark Henga for his commitment of support. To Kerry Bevens, always my cheerleader. To Clayton and Jessica Connolly who had the vision to believe in this work before a single word was written. anks to my editor par excellence Barbara McNichol and publisher Gail Woodard for believing in “putting my brain on paper.” And to my very own Ann Sullivan, aka Vikki Hansen, who saw in me what I couldn’t see in myself. She lit the match that illuminated my potential so I could see even better in the dark what I couldn’t see in the light.

APPENDIX

Fear versus Love

Fear is the opposite of love. is table spells out the differences. Fear

Love

Fear feels obligation.

Love has preference.

Fear lacks respect.

Love is based on respect.

Fear controls.

Love is open, vulnerable.

Fear is full of pity.

Love has compassion.

Fear avoids responsibility.

Love embraces responsibility.

Fear is unkind.

Love is kind.

Fear wears a mask of anger. Love listens. Fear wears a mask of sadness.

Love is hopeful.

Fear wears a mask of jealousy.

Love is generous.

Fear is sel sh.

Love is unsel sh.

Fear is full of conditions.

Love is unconditional.

Fear has “have to be’s.”

Love allows freedom.

Fear creates drama.

Love brings peace.

Fear causes suffering.

Love fosters security.

Fear sets conditions.

Love sets boundaries.

Fear creates expectations.

Love expresses preferences.

Fear creates obligations/rules.

Love offers genuine willingness.

Fear hurts.

Love doesn’t hurt.

Fear exacts punishment.

Love forgives.

Fear creates a war of control.

Love offers justice.

Fear owns Home Sweet Hell.

Love creates a Healthy Happy Home.

Fear means paralysis, suffering.

Love means action and happiness.

Fear manipulates.

Love embraces what is.

Fear works alone.

Love builds a team.

Fear is emotional poison.

Love has a sense of healthy well-being, no judgment

About the Author

Dr. Bonnie Lyon reshapes the vision of what’s possible in life. An educational counselor, speaker, seminar leader, and author, Dr. Bonnie holds a doctorate degree in the eld of psychology. Diagnosed with retinitis pigmentosa at age 23, Dr. Bonnie gradually lost her usable sight, but her visionary message has reached thousands striving for personal and professional growth over the decades. Dr. Bonnie’s humorous presentation style is loaded with thought-provoking empowerment strategies that affect the attitudes and actions of all who hear her. A guest on numerous national radio talk shows including KPRL’s “Sound Off,” Dr. Bonnie hosted her own radio talk show “Picking Up the Pieces” and produced the radio talk show “Girl Talk” in Southern California. She has also been featured in CBS’s Great Speakers Anthology book series. Dr. Bonnie is active in her Paso Robles, California, community through Quota International, which helps disadvantaged women and children, speci cally those with hearing impairments. Her motto is, “Life doesn’t have to be perfect to be wonderful.” And she claims her life truly is wonderful!

Dr. Bonnie Lyon is available for speaking engagements and personal consultations. Contact her at: [email protected] Phone: 612-888-6635 (612-8-Tunnel) Website: www.BonnieLyon.com

Bibliography Frankel, Victor A. Man’s Search for Meaning. 1946. Gibson, PhD, Eleanor J. and Richard D. Walk, PhD. “e visual cliff experiment 1960s,” Visual Cliff, Wikipedia. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Visual_cliff Gorkin, LICSW, Mark. Practice Safe Stress: Healing & Laughing in the Face of Stress, Burnout and Depression. AuthorHouse, 2004. Hegstrom, PhD, Paul. Broken Children, Grown-Up Pain: Understanding the Effects of Your Broken Past. Beacon Hill Press of Kansas City, 2001-2004. Hegstrom, PhD, Paul. Angry Men and the Women Who Love em: Breaking the Cycle of Physical and Emotional Abuse. Beacon Hill Press of Kansas City, 1999-2004. Leaf, Dr. Caroline. Switch On Your Brain: e Key to Peak Happiness, inking, and Health. Baker Books, 2015. Leaf, Dr. Caroline. Who Switched Off My Brain? Controlling Toxic oughts and Emotions, 2017. Mate, MD, Gabor. When the Body Says No: Understanding the Stress-Disease Connection. Wiley, 2011. Meyer, Joyce. Never Give Up: Relentless Determination to Overcome Life’s Challenges. Faith Words, 2010. Sood, MD, MSC, Amit. e Mayo Clinic Guide to Stress-Free Living. Da Capo Lifelong Books, 2013.