The Momentum Texts

Citation preview

New York Times Best-Selling Author

M AT T H E W H U S S E Y

THE

texts

67 CounterIntuItIve texts that Lead to reaL reLatIonshIps ( and the Surprising Psychology Behind Why They Work)

New York Times Best-Selling Author

M AT T H E W H U S S E Y

THE

67 CounterIntuitive Texts That Lead to REAL Relationships ( and the Surprising Psychology Behind Why They Work)

I L LU S T R AT E D BY

Michelle Garcia

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Table of Contents Introduction . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 15 • SEND YOUR TEXT AT THE RIGHT TIME: The “Just Met → Committed” Scale . . . . . . . 19

Create Connection: Texts That Share More About You . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 22 Escape the Texting Trap: Texts That "Upgrade the Platform" . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 26 Get Closer: Texts That Give Just the Right Amount of Vulnerability . . . . . . 30 • T H E BL I S S POIN T . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 32

Move Things Forward: Texts That Get You a Date . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 34 • N A IL YO U R TO N E: A S IDE N OT E ON E M O J I S . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 36

Maintain Your Momentum: Texts That Get You ANOTHER Date . . . . . . . . . . 41 • GR AC I O U S IM PAT IE N C E . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 42

Be Irreplaceable: Texts That Build Your Story. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 47 • • • •

T H E C A L L B AC K . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 49 S H OW IN G T HIN G S YO U K N OW A B O U T T H E M A N D T H E IR L IF E . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 50 P OIN T IN G TO T H E F U T U R E E X P E R IE N C E S YO U ’L L H AVE TOGE T H E R . . . . . . . . . . . . 51 R E MIN DIN G T H E M OF T H E S T R E N GT H OF YO U R S TOR Y . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 54

Build Attraction: Texts to Playfully Flirt . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 55 • T H E PAT T E R N BR E A K . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 56

Stoke Desire: Texts That Create Sexual Tension . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 57 • P L ATO NI C VS. DE S IR E L AN G UAGE . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 59

Pump the Brakes: Texts for When They Try to Get Sexual Too Quickly . . . . . . 72 Assert Your Standard: Texts for When Someone Reappears . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 76 Keep Your Momentum: Texts for When You Want to Make the Relationship Official . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 80 Some Closing Thoughts . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 82

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YO U ’R E IN G O O D C O M PA N Y Since 2009, I’ve been fortunate enough to have become the go-to dating authority for TV, radio, podcasts, magazines, and newspapers—and millions of people just like you. Rest assured, what you have here is the most trusted advice to get you the love life you deserve—fast!

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M Y T EC H NI Q U E S W O R K E D F O R T H E S E W O M E N, A N D T H E Y ’L L W O R K F O R YO U, TO O! “We’re Engaged!” “You gave me so much confidence because I felt like you really understood me and the mistakes I was making. After a few weeks, I worked up the courage to start a conversation. I just have to tell you I was so tickled with myself for not overreacting and immediately planning out our future! I focused myself in the here and now and just being my awesome sexy self I always wanted to be. As it turns out, we had a lot in common, and in three conversations, he asked me out. I used the tips for the areas I knew I needed help with, but while I was focusing solely on date to date, it turned out HE was the one thinking about our future. We’ve now been together for seven months and engaged for two of those! :) And of course you’re invited to our wedding if you can make it!” —Amanda

“The Texts Worked!” “I tried your texts . . . and they work! I am happily dating the best guy ever! We met on Match.com and you helped me get things to the next level!!! Best thing so far this year was discovering the great relationship perspectives of Matthew Hussey!” —Genevieve 

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“I Had Three Dates Within One Week of Using Your Skills” “I’m 54 and have three jobs, so I thought I had no time for men and so had no men around. Then as my last child was 17, I wanted to get back into the scene and had no idea how. You showed me how to make time to look in the right places. So, within one week of using the skills I’d learned and actively used, this weekend I have three dates and had to turn two away. So I went from four years with nothing, to more than I can see. To other women out there, I’d say give the advice in the program a try. Try to believe in yourself and approach guys with the skills learned—it gets easier as you work with your own voice and confident body language.” —Polly

“A Common-Sense Approach” “Just wanted to say a big thank you for all of your advice. In truth, there are dozens of sources out there that claim to know what they are talking about, but your program has been really beneficial. I am a psychologist who has worked with various people with various issues, but it has taken me a while to sort out the romantic relationships in my own life. Your common-sense, practical approach has helped me to be in an amazing relationship that I have been in for four months now. He is great and different from any other relationship I have ever been in, in a good way. Your advice to never settle helped me with this.” —Corina 

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“I Met My Mr. Right” “So there I was, clock ticking and me going into my 36th year with no clue as to how I was going to attract the next love in my life, and better yet, how to attract Mr. Right. I started out doing what most women do. I hit the dating sites and went on endless coffee dates—meeting nice guys and a couple of dogs too (even married ones looking for excitement—a fact they only disclosed after the fact). Being of a persistent nature, I refused to let this get me down, and I searched the internet to find out how to meet the right guys . . . and I came across your advice. I met my Mr. Right, and Paul is the type of man I only used to dream about, as I always thought he and his kind would go for some model type. He is fun, handsome, inspiring, kind, good-hearted, successful, well-educated, wealthy, and brave!” —Hanna

“I’m Ending Up With Date Invites Left, Right, and Center” “Your advice is working so well that I’m ending up with date invites left, right, and center. For example, last night, this UK guy got my number and he just texted me this morning to go for dinner, this Italian guy at the gym keeps coming over and asking me what I’m up to over the weekend, and another Czech guy and I actually went on a few dates. We kissed and all, but before it got any further, I had to make up some white lie to say, ‘Sorry, buddy, it’s best if we don’t take this any further.’ 

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Then I had a French guy and a South African guy ask me out after I met them at an event, and again, I had to say no. And there have been more! And this all happened within the last few weeks. I’m having SO MUCH FUN meeting new men. And I’m also feeling SO much better about life—and my love life in particular. I’m 36 and divorced. As much as I get out and do sports and meet people, I hadn’t done it in the way you suggested (as frequently or as well!) and now I’m totally enjoying it and feeling very positive. THANK YOU, MATT! Honestly, you’ve changed my life already.” —Huenu

“In the Last Three Days, Two Guys Gave Me Their Numbers!” “I am having such great fun flirting and having better conversations. I also joined my local walking group, and on my first walk, I worked the group and had a lot of attention. I had a great conversation with a guy I liked, where I set him the task of advising me on the walk to do on my 40th birthday (Striding Edge or Scafell Pike). He said ‘that is a great question!’ and then went on to tell me his alltime favorite walk, so I guess he associated me with good thoughts at that point in time. In the last three days, two guys gave me their numbers!” —Claire

“I Already Have Four Guys Pursuing Me” “OMG, Matthew Hussey, you’ve just made a monster! 

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I’ve been in this course only for two weeks and I already have four guys pursuing me. I don’t know how to deal with this! Now I need to learn how to tell a guy I’m not that interested without hurting his feelings.” —Barbara

“I Feel Freer and More Empowered” “I used the tips on flirting and being more sociable, playing a new role, trying things out, and communicating with guys like never before. I met new people, had new relationships, and came up against some huge life lessons in the process. In the last few weeks, I’ve had more male and female attention than I’ve ever gotten in my life. I feel freer and more empowered about myself than ever before. And I’ve made peace with so many parts of myself and have come to like and love myself more than I ever had before. I see that I am able to be kind, encouraging, loving, and fun to be around, and I’m getting so much affirmation of this. I’ve made so many new friends and awakened old friendships.” —Rebecca

“In Less Than a Week, I Can Already See a Tremendous Improvement” “In less than a week of applying your lessons, I can already see a tremendous improvement in how men react to me, and vice versa. 

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I’m going out with a few guys off and on, and there is one in particular who stands out. He and I are both very into our jobs (he has two, and I juggle three). Last week, we had made tentative plans to get together Thursday, but that didn’t work out, so we tried Friday, and that didn’t work out either. I felt very ‘put off ’ at the last minute (we had said 8 p.m. and he bailed on me at about 7:45 p.m.) and I was crushed. I thought it was his roundabout way of telling me he wasn’t interested. He attempted to contact me around 9 p.m. that same night, but I ignored his call (because I was out with another guy who had called me earlier that day for drinks), and chose not to call him back because I was still feeling hurt and rejected. I watched and listened to all of your videos again. And one of my high-value girlfriends told me ‘He WILL call you.’ And he did. Normally, I would be a bit bitchy and snarky with someone who had treated me so ‘horribly.’ But I was determined to do something I had never done before. I was as sweet as you could possibly imagine. And it turns out that things went absolutely haywire at his second job, and his entire weekend was a mess. We talked about getting together the next day. The conversation was absolutely fantastic. I hung up with an entirely different frame of mind. Later that afternoon, I was surprised when he called me again and said, ‘I can’t wait until tomorrow—what are you doing tonight?’ I was very pleasantly shocked. Guys never call me and say those sorts of things. We met for a terrific dinner and catch-up last night, and still have plans for tonight. He really is one of these ‘good guys,’ you know? In the past, I’d always screwed up the good things, but not this time. 

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I still can’t believe he called me and said that. Never in my life has a man ever said that to me. Amazing. It never would have happened without you. Thank you, thank you, thank you times a million!” —Carolyn

“I’m Dating a Man Beyond My Wildest Dreams” “I met a guy who I never thought would be attracted to me in my wildest dreams, as I had chosen him, so to speak. He is the type of guy I would want to introduce to my family and even possibly marry. I began speaking to him and now we have been dating for several weeks. I have been asking questions in order to see his values (and whether they are in line with mine) and have been able to really get to know him before becoming intimate and starting a relationship. I look forward to continuing to grow and be the best possible person I can be . . . and having a relationship I never could have dreamed of.” —Janelle

“I Now Feel a Lot More Powerful” “Thanks to your advice, I somehow started meeting people. Now looking back, they were always around, but I didn’t engage with them. I started becoming braver about reaching out to people. Through your really simple trick of asking people ‘why’ instead of the standard getting-to-know-you questions, I got into some really good conversations and made real connections. Eventually, I started 

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connecting people with each other and hosting events. Now I’m meeting people (including new guys) all the time. People reach out to me and introduce me to others. I’m currently a very proud ‘hub.’ I’m still single, but I feel totally different than I’ve felt before. I’m interacting with guys differently. I’ve become more flirty. Where before, I’d diffuse sexual tension, now I just let it sit there, and probably for the first time in my life, I understand what it means when people say ‘I have chemistry with someone.’ I’ve also been treated in a non-‘friend zone’ way by more guys than ever before. I now feel a lot more powerful—like I actually can do something to end up in a relationship. And I have hope.” —Tala

“I Was Extremely Shy With Men” “I am an introvert and am extremely shy when it comes to interacting with men I find attractive. The other night, I was out to dinner with my friend and I saw an attractive man having dinner at the bar. I decided to order my drink at the bar instead of getting it from the waitress at our table, just so I could grab the chance to talk to the guy. OK, that decision in and of itself is so much progress for me. Guess what? I used the strategies I’d learned from you and struck up a conversation with the guy. I brought out my feminine and flirty self, which I used to be too shy to show. I cannot describe the ego boost I got from the success of this interaction. He flirted back and we had a great chat. It was awesome. 

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Now I feel more empowered and more confident than ever. I look for opportunities to interact with men—even if it’s just to practice my new skills. Thank you, Matthew. I know that I am allowing myself to blossom into the confident and feminine woman I know I am, and that very exciting things are in the making now.” —Megan

“A Favorite of Mine Is the Fantasy Dialogue Texting” “A favorite of mine is using the whole fantasy dialogue in texting. It really gets a guy thinking about you in a different way. I’ve been putting into practice so many of the things you’ve taught me that I can fill up every night with a date.” —Illana

“I Got Married!” “I implemented all you taught me strictly. Little did I know that on May 3rd, I met the love of my life. On October 4th, we got married. My husband and I are very happy together, and I also find that your advice is great for married life. Keep up your great work.” —Mo

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IntroduCtIon Over the past 12 years, people have—by the millions—reached out to me with their love life challenges. I haven’t quite been able to read all of their letters, but by this point, I think it’s fair to say I’ve gotten the gist. The questions I receive take many different forms, including: • How to get someone interested enough for a first or second date. • How to escape limbo—the endless casual phase that never seems to lead to an actual committed relationship. • How to keep the fire alive with someone you see every day, or with a partner in a long-distance relationship. But what unites so many of these issues is a consistent desire for momentum with a person. 

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MOMENTUM In short, they either want to be: A. Creating momentum B. Maintaining momentum C. Regaining momentum C R E AT I N G M O M E N T U M is about getting someone attracted. Maybe

they don’t even know you exist, but you want to reach out. Or maybe it’s a friend you’ve fallen for and are sick of settling for something platonic with them. Maybe you don’t know how to use those first few text messages to get to the point of a date, or are struggling to turn date one into date two, or date two into date three. 

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M A I N TA I N I N G M O M E N T U M relates to when you feel you have a

good thing going, and you want to continue to feed and nurture it to its full potential. It’s already good. You just really care about it and want to proactively help it stay that way, rather than having it fizzle out as you’ve personally experienced or seen in other relationships. R E G A I N I N G M O M E N T U M applies when things have gone cold. You

had early interest—maybe even real investment—but it seems to have disappeared. Maybe sometimes it reappears after a while, only to disappear again once you lower your guard for the second, third, or 50th time. Or you’re simply stuck in the phase you’re in—it’s not going backward, but it’s not going forward either. You find yourself wishing for the acceleration you experienced when this person was first trying to win you over, but it’s been a while since it felt like the relationship had forward motion. While I have deeper programs (such as Attraction to Commitment) that focus on going from casual to committed, I wanted to create a simple, easy-to-apply program that would give people quick and easy ways to ignite momentum. Something that wouldn’t take hours to digest. In fact, I wanted it to be the most quick-to-apply, distilled program I have ever delivered.

WHY TE X T MESSAGES? I’ve learned over the years that it’s far easier to philosophize from one’s armchair than it is to provide very practical, field-tested solutions. And I love to philosophize. But experience has taught me that the best way to accelerate a person’s understanding of a concept is to simply show them examples of that concept in action. It is for this reason that I’ve chosen text messages—more than 60 of them, in fact—to illustrate how you can create, maintain, and regain momentum with someone in your life. But they are far more than text messages. Over the years, I’ve found texts to be a highly effective way of showing a principle in action. Behind 

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each of these texts is a universal truth about attraction psychology and human dynamics that is far more important than the text itself. This is because the principle itself will serve you for the rest of your life. It doesn’t matter to me if the text doesn’t feel exactly like you, because once you understand the principle behind the text, you can adapt it to whatever feels right to you, so long as it adheres to that principle. It is therefore not my intention for you to just blindly copy and paste these exact messages into your phone. You can do that, of course, but you can also make them your own—your style, your voice, your language. I go to lengths to ensure you understand the psychology behind each text, because I know that once you know why certain words and language structures work, you won’t need me anymore. You’ll just know what to do. You’ll also find that the psychology behind these texts—and in practically all cases, even the words themselves—can be applied to any communication you have with someone, including by phone or in person. That’s because it’s not really a texting program at all. It’s a program about people: how to demonstrate your incredible value to a person so they keep wanting more of you. The fact that it will revolutionize your text game is a nice bonus though, isn’t it?

CONTEXTUA LIZE You may find yourself asking at various moments during this program: “When is the right time to send this particular text? Am I close enough with them to send that one? Have they actually invested enough in me for me to be sending this?” To solve this problem and make it more user-friendly, I’ve created a simple Just Met  Committed Scale, numbered from 1-5. Each text in this program will have a number next to it so you’ll know which texts to apply to the current stage of your relationship. 

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JUST ME T  COMMIT TED SCALE The two of you just met and are in the first five conversations. You’ve been speaking for a week or more. Flirting has become natural between you. You’ve been on dates and have already built a deeper connection. You find you’re mutually falling for each other. You’re in love and committed to each other.

HOW TO APPROACH THIS PROGR AM This program is not designed to be prescriptive in the way you approach it. In the interest of time, feel free to dip into whichever part best serves your present situation. I want it to be as immediately implementable as possible for you. That being said, if you do wish to read it cover to cover, you will certainly gain from the ways in which the ideas build on themselves. Alongside the text messages I give you are terms and ideas that are explained at various junctures. Should you come across a strange term somewhere, having dipped straight into a later section of the program, it’s likely it was explained in an earlier section.

TEXTS ARE REVEALERS Remember, these texts are just ideas for you to play with. Yes, they’ve been field-tested. They work. But they won’t always go according to plan. That doesn’t mean they’ve gone “wrong.” In fact, these texts, even when they don’t produce the result you’d hoped for, can be wonderful revealers. 

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It may reveal that someone hasn’t got a great sense of humor, because they can’t respond to the playful texts you send. It may reveal that this person isn’t willing to invest any more than they already are, in which case, at least you have closure. It may reveal that they’re just plain wrong for you. Ultimately, learning these things early on will save you time, even if it wasn’t your Plan A. And if one of these texts feels wrong to send, then ask yourself why, and try to be as honest as possible. This too can be a great revealer. Does it feel wrong because it seems out of character for you? And if so, why does it feel out of character? Might it actually be a useful facet of your character to coax out more often? Could not bringing out this part of your character be contributing to why someone isn’t seeing you in the full breadth of color that exists inside you? If sending the text would feel weirdly jarring in your dynamic, it may not speak to a problem with the text itself, but rather to something that’s been lacking in the dynamic until this point—in which case, the text will serve to shake up the dynamic. After all, if the current dynamic isn’t serving you, then what’s the risk? For example: If you send one of the flirtatious texts in this program but you’re worried it will be taken weirdly, it may be because you haven’t flirted at all thus far. This then is the real issue, not the text. So now you’ll be more flirtatious, and the worst that will happen is that they don’t respond, or don’t respond in the way you’d like, but that’s the case already, so you may as well take the chance to change up the dynamic to a more productive one that could create momentum. Which brings me to my final point before we get to the texts: a text could feel wrong to you simply because it represents a risk. But consider the fact that being unwilling to take a risk may have been your biggest problem so far.

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PRIDE VS. PROACTIVIT Y We all have to risk our egos in dating. Our pride is always piping up to protect our egos, and in some cases, it can be a good thing—such as when our pride stops us from relentlessly chasing someone who isn’t reciprocating. But for many, pride stops them from doing anything at all. They won’t even reach out to a person for fear of rejection. This contracts our love life to the point where it’s hard for new possibilities to ever be created. We must balance pride with proactivity. And the simple principle is this: be proactive until doing so would no longer be respectful to ourselves—in other words, at the point where it’s clear someone doesn’t intend to reciprocate despite having been given a clear indication of our interest. We would do well to remember that even if we do get it wrong, it’s not a big deal. Don’t sit agonizing over a text you’ve just sent, waiting desperately for a reply. Send the message, then get on with your day. You can always recover, or explain a misinterpreted message in the next one, or the one after that. The bigger danger is never risking anything because you’re trying to be perfect. Don’t be perfect; be human. And if one message really does screw up everything, I dare say there wasn’t much to lose to begin with. The right person won’t be driven away so easily.

E M OJ I K E Y : If there’s a single emoji like this, it means use just this emoji. / / If you see more than one emoji with a slash in between, it means choose the one that best suits your situation. If the text contains more than one emoji with no slashes, it means use them all together as illustrated.

... You’ll find your texts in the pages that follow. Use them wisely. 

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Texts That Share More About You Some of the best early texts are the ones that actually allow you to show more of yourself, while inviting them to do the same. Remember, two of the primary things that create connection are: •  Them getting to see more of you. •  Them opening up more to you.

What song are you listening to on repeat right now? Music is a deeply personal thing. There’s an intimacy to it. When we get into someone’s car and they turn on the engine, we hear the song they were listening to before we got in. Often, this revelation will leave them feeling embarrassed—as if we just caught a glimpse of them in their bathrobe. Asking someone about a song they’re listening to is light and fun on the surface, but it gives us an insight into their current mood and can tell us a lot about what they’re feeling without asking the same old tired questions everyone else is asking. We get to listen to their heart. And of course, when they do share a song with us, we can send them one of ours in return. It’s a fun conversation starter when you compare music 

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and tastes, and most people get a special buzz out of sharing a song they love. It can even become an ongoing ritual of exchanging songs every day.

There are plenty of ways to adapt this text by . . . C O M PA R I N G M U S I C :

What song are you listening to on repeat right now? Let’s see if ours match

M A K I N G I T A P L AY F U L C H A L L E N G E :

What song are you listening to on repeat right now? I’m sending you mine. Let’s see who wins

TURNING IT INTO A COMPLIMENT:

What song are you listening to on repeat right now? I feel like you have good taste in music . . .

S TA R T I N G A C O N V E R S AT I O N :

Hi! I hope you’re having the best day!! Any music suggestions? Lol 

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I like how that last one’s imbued with energy, positivity, and specificity. It’s more than, “How’s your day going?” You’re giving them something specific to do while the lol acknowledges the fact that it’s slightly random. Asking for music (or book) suggestions is flattering, because you chose to ask them over anyone else. Even though this compliment is subtler than the prior text, you’re still telling them you value their taste, which is one of the highest compliments you can pay.

It’s 9 p.m. and I’m on my 3rd bowl of cereal. What weird things have YOU done this week? It’s fun to show a little of your quirky side. Which playful eccentricities could you bring to the table that would show a little more of your personality and your vulnerability? This is all part of making you three-dimensional in their eyes. By stating something like this about yourself, and then putting the question on them, you’re also inviting them to be brave enough to show their vulnerability in return. When they feel “seen” and accepted in their weirder moments, they’ll develop a deeper connection to you. Note: The jovial nature of this message is emphasized by the uppercase “YOU.” It’s what says: “I’ve just revealed something ridiculous about myself, so now it’s your turn.”

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Just made the most amazing tacos . . . Shame you’re not here to share them with me

This shares a piece of your day. It breaks up texting with a picture that brings them into your home with you. The added compliment of saying it’s a shame they’re not there to share the meal is a nice way to make it flirtatious. It also happens to be a compliment to yourself at the same time: it’s a shame for them that they’re not around to share the tacos with you. Feel free to replace tacos with your favorite dish, or anything you’re doing that you’d like to share with them.

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Texts That “Upgrade the Platform” The goal of this program isn’t to get you texting more. It’s to give you more effective texts, and to get you to more dates, and more time spent actually talking on the phone or in person.

T H E P L AT F O R M U P G R A D E This term refers to upgrading to a more intimate form of communication. It’s an upgrade when you go from talking on an app to exchanging numbers and texting. It’s an upgrade when you move from texting to talking on the phone, or from talking on the phone to a FaceTime or Skype chat. You can use the following texts to do exactly that.

Going for a sunny stroll today. Wanna be my virtual walking buddy? -

You may not be with someone in person, but that doesn’t mean you can’t invite them to join you for an activity. In fact, what I like about this is that it almost turns it into a long-distance date instead of just a random phone call. It takes a little more investment for someone to actually commit to a time to speak to you instead of just calling whenever they feel like it. 

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T H E Y T E X T:

Hey you, what you up to? YO U R E P LY:

Hey! Making dinner. FaceTime after? I’ll bring the ice cream This can be used no matter what activity you’re doing. I love that it upgrades a text message to a video call. Or if you’d prefer to do a phone call, you could just say, “Catch up on the phone after?” It’s actually a nice combination, because you’re simultaneously showing them you can’t drop what you’re doing right now to talk, while communicating confidently that you want to get on the phone with them afterward. If they initially think they’re getting the brush-off, that thought is dispelled by seeing that you want to speak with them on the phone. Note: Remember that phone or video calls will always create more connection than texts, so you should take advantage of moments when you can “upgrade” your exchange in this way. S E N D A V O I C E M E S S A G E:

Hey, I just passed by the farmers’ market near your place and it made me think of you. I hope you're having a great day. If you're around later, give me a call. It would be good to hear your voice.

-

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VO I C E M E S S AG E S A R E M A S S I V E LY U N D E R R AT E D. In a sense, they are—in themselves—a Platform Upgrade. You’re upgrading to voice from just text on the screen. And voice is powerful. It means they can hear tone, cadence, your accent, nervous laughs, stutters . . . all of those little human details that you yourself may be embarrassed about, but for them are the colors that bring you to life.

You leap off of the phone and into their ear, literally hijacking a different one of their senses. And if it’s in the early stages and they’re texting other people, you’ll have a natural advantage in sending a voice message, because other people will likely not be doing it. Others will simply be two-dimensional—text on a screen. You, on the other hand, are showing yourself in three dimensions, and that’s where your power lies. You’re also using this to upgrade to a phone call by suggesting they call you later, but without any real pressure: “If you’re around later.” 

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While we’re talking about being three-dimensional, consider different versions of pattern-breaking voice notes that will get someone’s imagination working in powerful ways. Perhaps you record one early in the morning when your voice is scratchy, which might get them thinking about what it would be like to wake up next to you . . . or a whispered sultry message when you need to be quiet so you don’t wake your roommate . . . or perhaps even one that you record a little out of breath in the middle of a workout, letting them know you’ll text them when you’re done. All of these will bring you to life in different contexts in a manner that would be virtually impossible by text.

So are you going to call me tonight or what? We don’t spend enough time in life asking for what we want. Or for that matter, telling people what we want. I’ve spent years fielding questions like, “How do I get them to call me?” and “How do we stop texting and actually speak on the phone?” This kind of message is one answer to these questions. Instead of obsessing over some indirect way of getting someone to pick up the phone and call you, send a playful, assertive message putting the ball firmly in their court. Of course, this isn’t something you’d normally send to someone you’d only exchanged a handful of messages with—unless you were really going for a Hail Mary, and there are certainly some people bold enough to pull this off. There are two more organic ways to use this message: • You’ve been text flirting for several days, yet neither of you has made the move to call the other, or even suggest it. This then serves as a cute way to initiate that phone call—while still getting them to be the one who actually calls. • Speaking on the phone is something you’ve already done, but you haven’t spoken in a few days and you’d like to do it again. 

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Texts Th at Give j ust th e Right A mount of Vuln e ra bility

My friends are going to ask me why I’m blushing -

This is a wonderfully flirtatious message you can send if they send you a compliment by text. The knowledge that they can cause you to blush and have that impact on you will make them even more attracted to you. It will also likely make them want to send more compliments your way. There’s also something cheeky about the idea that there were other people in the room with you when you blushed—it’s a fun sense of power to cause someone to blush in a scenario where they’re trying to hide it. 

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Just watched Hereditary. I need a cuddle You can basically insert whatever scary event/movie you want into this text. The adorable part is that you chose to tell them you needed a cuddle after watching it. It’s not just flirtatious, it’s cute, and it’ll likely bring out someone’s protective instinct. It makes them want to be there to give you a cuddle even though they can’t—a barrier which then creates desire. They can then have fun texting you back and talking about how they want to be there for you.

I keep smiling when I think about talking to you later -

No explanation needed; this is just a really lovely message. Sometimes we need to drop the sarcasm, the dry wit, the ironic edge, and simply be up-front, warm humans who express their feelings. This shows you’re confident enough to be one of those people—while simultaneously making them feel good.

Hey handsome, hope you’re having an amazing week

making them feel good.

-

While being a very simple text, this does a lot. Imagine sending this on a Tuesday or a Wednesday in the middle of the working day. You’re doing three things with this message: • PAYING A COMPLIMENT. By telling them they’re handsome (or beautiful), and by simply showing you happened to be thinking about them, you’ve paid them a compliment that will likely remain in their thoughts throughout the rest of the day. • DEMONSTRATING KINDNESS. This is a purely altruistic message wishing them a great week. It’s not about you; it’s all about them. • DISPLAYING CONFIDENCE. By not attaching a question mark to this text, you’re showing you don’t need a response. You’re not asking for attention. You’re confident enough to simply give a little attention before moving on with your day.

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THE BLISS POINT This text is an example of The Bliss Point, which I talk about in my more in-depth programs. The Bliss Point is a food industry term used by manufacturers to determine the precise amount of salt, sugar, or fat that will optimize deliciousness (the amount that keeps you wanting more). There is a Bliss Point in communication with a romantic interest, too—an optimal combination of sweet and salty, proactive and challenging, teasing and complimentary, that keeps them wanting more of you. There are many examples of The Bliss Point at work in this guide. The last text demonstrates The Bliss Point by showing a beautiful combination of being proactive (by being warm and sweet in showing up for a moment in their day), and being non-needy (by allowing it to simply be about that moment and not asking a question that would make them feel like they had to return the favor). See how many more Bliss Point messages you notice as we go through this program.

I miss your face . . . might be hard to stay focused when I see you on FaceTime later -

The idea of you finding it hard to stay focused when speaking to them is sexy. We all want to have that impact on someone. Now they’ll be even more excited about the video chat. It’s also fun when missing someone to be specific about the thing you miss. Telling them you miss their face adds a little more color, so it’s more effective than simply saying “I miss you.” Not that there’s anything wrong with telling someone you miss them—it’s just fun to mix it up. You could also say: “I miss your smile” or “I miss your smell” . . . or whatever you actually miss. 

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YO U:

You’re so annoying

T H E M:

Why?

YO U:

Because you’re one of the main people who’s making staying at home so difficult right now This was a counterintuitive message I told people to send while missing someone in isolation. But it works for any situation if you just change some of the details. For example, you could switch out that last line to say: “Because you’re making it really difficult to focus on this piece

of work I need to finish in order to go home.”

The first part of the message is great because it’s unexpected, and the intrigue of it makes someone want to find out why you’re annoyed with them. The second part of the message works because it follows what appears to be a salty beginning with a sweet ending (The Bliss Point). Remember, the idea that you’re annoyed this person is hijacking your thoughts is the reason this message creates tension. If you just said, “I keep thinking about you,” that would be fine, but it’s a different kind of message. One is playful and fun, while the other is just sweet. On the days when you want to be sweet, that’s OK, but some days it’s great to shake things up and create a little tension. 

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texts that get You a date It’s not your job to make all the moves. But you can make it clear—in both direct and indirect ways—that you’d like to see someone, depending on how subtle you’d like to be.

I want to do this / go here / try this -

Maybe you’ve come across something on Instagram—an interesting restaurant, a pretty street, an exhibition. Send them a picture of it with this simple message. Clearly stating what you like, and what you’d like to do, makes it that much easier for them to say, “Let’s go!” 

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The view where I am . . . -

This is a simple message you can send anytime to get someone’s attention. You could take this message literally—such as when you’re looking at a breathtaking sunset, an impressive cityscape, or anything beautiful in nature. Or you could be more tongue-in-cheek with it and send a picture of a delicious-looking dessert you’re eating in bed while watching a show you both love. (This doesn’t mean you need to be in the photo; I’m not talking about a sexy or suggestive message here, unless you want it to be.) If you do send this message while you’re out somewhere, it acts as a nice way to set up a date. When they text you back, you can always say:

Would be fun to do something like this with you sometime -

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This then acts as a direct prompt for them to set something up, while still leaving the ball in their court. You’ve expressed your desire to see them, but you haven’t directly asked them out on a date. They still get to be proactive and “make the move.”

A SIDE NOTE ON EMOJIS This is a nice place to pause to illuminate some principles on emojis. This may seem like overkill, or overly fussy, but less so when thought of in light of one of the most universal complaints about texting: the misreading of tone. Of course, sometimes an ambiguous tone can work in your favor. If you’re saying something dry, witty, and deadpan, nothing kills the wit more quickly than an emoji. The emoji is to a text message what the exclamation point is to writing on the page. As William Zinsser put it in his timeless guide to writing, On Writing Well (1976): “Don’t use it unless you must to achieve a certain effect. . . . Instead, construct your sentence so that the order of the words will put the emphasis where you want it. Also resist using an exclamation point to notify the reader that you are making a joke or being ironic. . . . Readers are annoyed by your reminder that this was a comical moment. They are also robbed of the pleasure of finding it funny on their own.” If I had to guess, my money would be on Zinsser despising emojis (and given that he lived to see the year 2015, someone out there probably has that answer). I agree unequivocally with the points he made here. But did Zinsser ever have to send a sarcastic text to a woman he’d just met on an app, only to sit waiting in mounting horror as no reply arrived, playing out every possible scenario in his

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mind at how his tone may have been taken the wrong way, which may have ultimately denied him a date? In books and articles, we have time to give context to our tone. In some ways, this is a cop-out. To channel Zinsser, it’s just another excuse for bad writing. The emoji, therefore, should be approached in the same manner as the exclamation point: used where it either gives context to something that could likely be taken the wrong way, or included simply to amplify the message in an enjoyable way. Following these rules should help us avoid overusing emojis. In the case of the text from page 35, the tone changes accordingly:

“Would be fun to do something like this with you sometime!” -

The exclamation point here makes it more energetic, but also more casual and less serious. Simply saying: “Would be fun to do something like this with you sometime” feels more direct. The simple statement makes it feel more sincere, and therefore carries with it more meaning and intention. This is either good or bad depending on what you want to convey. Throwing in the exclamation point certainly makes it more of a throwaway comment where you merely want to test the waters.

“Would be fun to do something like this with you sometime -

”

makes it more coy and flirtatious . . .

“Would be fun to do something like this with you sometime

”

makes it more wide-eyed (literally) and innocently excited, and therefore more vulnerable. You’re not trying to be funny here—just genuine about your wanting to see them. -

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This message can be adapted in other ways to prompt a reply: EXAMPLE 1

The view where I am

Why aren’t you here too?? -

Saying “Why aren’t you here too??” obviously makes it more affectionate and flirtatious than the more coy first message on its own, making it a 2-3 on the closeness scale. The subtext is: “I want you here.” But it’s not literal, because you didn’t actually invite them ahead of time, which makes it a low-risk message if you want to flirt with someone without actually risking rejection since there’s nothing real for them to say “no” to. 

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EXAMPLE 2

The view where I am

Come! -

This time, let’s say you send them a message from a cool rooftop bar. This version is a fun, versatile variation on the message. It’s cute and flirtatious because you’re ordering them to come, knowing full well it’s almost certainly too late for them to take you up on the offer.

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EXAMPLE 3

The view where I am

You should be here -

This takes it up a notch again. It’s a little strong for a level 2, but with someone you already have a deeper connection with, the implication that there’s something “amiss” by them not being present, and that the proper order of things would be for them to be there, is very genuine and sweet. A well-timed moment of unironic desire for someone can be very powerful. Not everything needs to be clever. Realness comes at a premium these days. 

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texts that get You another date It could be said that if someone doesn’t automatically ask you on another date, they’re “just not that interested.” Possibly. Maybe even likely. But one thing this theory doesn’t take into account is that sometimes someone doesn’t become interested until they see that you have standards and are not the kind of person who’s going to wait around.

Fitzgerald put it perfectly: “You’ll find another.” “God! Banish the thought. Why don’t you tell me that ‘if the girl had been worth having she’d have waited for you’? No, sir, the girl really worth having won’t wait for anybody.” — F. Scott Fitzgerald, This Side of Paradise 

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GRACIOUS IMPATIENCE Paradoxically, some people need to see us “not waiting,” or at the very least, becoming graciously impatient in order to wake up to our value. Some, of course, will wake up too late, but that’s their problem, not ours. These texts, therefore, demonstrate Gracious Impatience, so that at worst, someone realizes their absence is wearing thin, and at best, they come to see us as someone they must make a move with or risk losing altogether.

You’ve established a connection with someone, texted at length, maybe even had a couple of phone calls, and yet still no date. Maybe he texts you every few days saying, “Hi! How’s your week?” It’s polite, it’s sweet, but it doesn’t seem to be leading to anything. It’s time to get a little more bold. The next time he begins a text conversation, wait until a few messages in—after the pleasantries have been exchanged and a good dynamic has been re-established—and send him this message:

So, Mister, are you going to ask me out, or can I expect a “how’s your week” text every week for the rest of my life? The “So, Mister,” makes you sound playfully authoritative and stern in kind of a “let’s get down to business” way. You then get straight to the point: “Are you going to ask me out?” while also communicating in no uncertain terms that him sending you a pleasant text each week isn’t going to keep you engaged. The humor comes in with “for the rest of my life,” which is intentionally overdramatic. But this humor serves an important purpose in dulcifying the standard you’ve just served him, making it another example of our Bliss Point technique. 

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YO U – T E X T 1:

It’s been so long since I’ve seen your face HIM:

I know! It’s been so busy YO U – T E X T 2:

Not sure I remember what you look like . . . I think I remember you being handsome Y O U – T E X T 3 ( I M M E D I AT E LY A F T E R T E X T 2 ):

Can’t be sure though

/

I may be accused of trying to export a little dry English sarcasm to the world with this one, but there’s a time and a place. What I like about it is the casual dismissal of whatever he says in his reply. In fact, his reply almost doesn’t matter, because what makes it cheeky is your lack of deference for his response, and your carrying on with your reflection on having forgotten what he looks like (despite the compliment you give him about being handsome). A fun variation on this can be used if he texts you first. Unlike a message I’ll give you later in this guide for when someone messages you after disappearing for weeks, you don’t have to wait for them to “disappear” before you send this. It just needs to have been a minute since you’ve been on a date. The joke is that you’ve forgotten what he looks like because you haven’t seen him in person recently (in that sense, it can also be a good way to upgrade to a FaceTime call if all you’ve been doing is texting).

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HE TEXTS YOU:

Hey! How are you? What are you up to? YOU:

Sorry, who is this? HIM:

Mark?? YOU:

Hmm, tall guy? Dark hair?? HIM:

lol YOU:

My memory is beginning to fade . . . I don’t think I’ve seen your face in at least a year YOU:

AT LEAST 

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This last message serves to emphasize the obvious hyperbole of not having seen each other in a year, when you probably saw him a few weeks ago. Of course, this can serve as bait for him to arrange a date. (“Let’s change that! What are you doing this weekend?”) This is obviously the best-case scenario. It’s also possible he’ll fall far short of this by sending a selfie as a way of “compensating” for the fact that you haven’t seen his face as of late. Now, we know that not getting a picture from him isn’t the problem, so you’re not going to get too excited about a photo, or tell him how handsome he looks, or shrug off the subtext you just delivered letting him know that this text-only relationship is wearing thin. Instead, you can use this as a moment to draw a line in the sand. Of course, this is implying that you’re in a situation whereby it’s actually possible to see each other in the short term (you’re not halfway across the world from each other, or in the middle of a pandemic—wow, it’s crazy to be able to make that reference and have it be universally relatable).

Example: He sends a selfie in response to your message about not seeing his face. YO U - T E X T 1:

Not quite what I had in mind . . . Y O U – T E X T 2 ( I M M E D I AT E LY A F T E R T E X T 1 ):

Let me know when you have some time and want to meet up . . . my thumbs are getting tired of all this texting and not seeing each other 

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———————

Why Not Put the Whole Text in One Message? You may be wondering why I sometimes break up messages instead of just lumping them into the same text. This is because it has a different effect. It mimics the way a real conversation happens—you had one thought, and now you’re having another thought. It also allows for one message to land and have its impact on someone before delivering the next one. A comedian doesn’t deliver every line in an anecdote in the same breath. It’s the building, the pregnant pauses, and the moments inbetween that create the impact of the punchline. ———————

A Final Word on Getting Another Date The right text can certainly inspire the person you like to ask you out again. However, the best way to guarantee a second date (or a third or a fourth . . .) is to have amazing conversations on the first date. Learn how to do this in Chapter 9 of How to Talk to Men: “How to Make Fascinating First Date Conversation That Keeps Him Coming Back for More,” and its accompanying “First Date Cheat Sheet.” ———————

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Texts That Build Your Story BUILDING YOUR STORY Building Your Story is an incredibly powerful tool in relationships. Human beings get invested in stories. That’s why any time you can reinforce the fact that the two of you have a story together, you’re infusing what you have with more value. Consider the moment when someone sees an attractive person on Instagram or a dating app. They may be beautiful, sexy, alluring . . . but there’s no story there. They don’t have a story to draw on with that person; it’s just a superficial attraction. That’s why your greatest asset with a person is the story you’ve created together—and the story you’ll be creating together in the future—because this cannot be easily replaced. Remember, when we realize we have a story with someone and not just a superficial attraction, we’re more likely to continue investing in that story. Let’s look at some ways you can Build Your Story together.

Referencing Shared Memories Whenever you refer to a past memory you’ve shared, that reinforces your story. 

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Just thought about when we were ice skating in the park over Christmas. One of my favorite moments with you -

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Here you’re holding up a light to a special moment you’ve shared, reinforcing the fact that the two of you have history—not just what you feel today in this moment. It’s a Callback.

THE CALLBACK Any good sitcom will utilize Callbacks to a moment from an earlier episode, or even an earlier season, like Michael’s go-to cringeinducing line on The Office: ”That’s what she said,” or Ross’ infamous line right when you think he’s finally going to get back with Rachel on Friends: “WE WERE ON A BREAK!” These lines can often be funny on their own, but for those who are avid viewers of the show, they’re something special. It’s like being handed a little treat for your loyalty to the program. Anyone who starts the show on that later episode won’t have the same understanding as someone who’s watched it from the beginning. It’s an “in” reference. Callbacks are greatly underused by people who are trying to flirt and build connection from a distance. Sending someone a picture of a place you’ve been, a photo of the two of you that they’ve long since forgotten, a reminder of an ongoing joke, or a joke you used to have . . . these are all ways to remind someone of, and solidify, the private bond you have together. It’s one of the things that reminds someone that what they have with you can’t just be replaced by the novelty of someone else— there’s history there, and you can’t easily replace history. Callbacks will come up at different points in this guide as a way of increasing connection and having fun by text.

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I miss smelling your scent on my skin . . . I wish I were in my favorite shirt of yours Smell is a powerful part of attraction. It also happens to be one of the quickest ways to evoke memory and emotion. Therefore, talking about missing someone’s smell is an intimate thing to reference. Additionally, even the fact that you have a favorite shirt of theirs is a sign of history together—it’s a reminder that the connection you have isn’t new, but rather a story that has built up over time.

Showing Things You Know About Them and Their Life

How’s your mom? Did she get that operation for her leg yet? -

And how about your dog, Jack??! -

How’s your shoulder doing? -

Ask someone about their family, or something you know they’ve been struggling with, or things you know they don’t tell everybody— perhaps something they once told you in a vulnerable moment. These are all things someone they just met can’t ask them about, because someone new has no “story” with them. These details are a great asset 

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because they’re a token of your history—the moments you’ve spent, the connection you’ve built, and the extended and deeper conversations you’ve had. Asking about these details also shows a deeper level of care. Yours is not a superficial interest, because you genuinely care for their well-being, and the well-being of those they love.

Pointing to the Future Experiences You’ll Have Together You can also use the future to build your story by highlighting what’s to come. You do this by pointing to what you’re building or looking forward to in the future.

What’s our first meal going to be when we can finally meet up?

-

This is great for long-distance scenarios where you met online but haven’t yet had a chance to meet in person. It allows you both to have some fun picturing something you’re going to do together in the future. It takes you out of just talking about the present.

What’s our first date going to be when we finally get to see each other? This has the same effect as the message above, allowing you to role-play about the date you’re going to go on. Both of you can have fun describing the ideal “date day” you want to have together. It’s a chance to get invested in what’s to come.

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If you’ve already been dating someone for a while, you can simply adapt these messages:

What trip would you love to go on together? What’s one of the things you’d love to do if we could do anything? -

This is obviously something you can ask whether or not you’re longdistance. It makes for fun conversation and fantasizing about the future. But it’s particularly effective if you have to be away from each other right now, maybe because one of you is on a work trip, or away seeing family. Talking about the future when you miss each other is a great way to continue Building Your Story together. 

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It’s a way of saying, “I know we’re apart right now, but look what’s coming! Look at what we have to look forward to!” A relationship can transcend the mood swings and the challenges of the present moment by zooming out to show the beauty of the bigger story being told. If you say to someone:

OK, so where are we going to fly the first chance we get? -

. . . it’s a way to dream together. Picturing a getaway to some island or romantic city is something that will create a lot of excitement between you. You can even have fun sending each other links to cities, accommodations, and food. Or look at places on the phone together later that day. That way, it becomes not just a fantasy for the future, but an activity in the present. Studies have shown that when it comes to vacations, the enjoyment people get from planning a trip can be even greater than the trip itself. You can apply this psychology to your love life. Creating a fantasy scenario of something you’d like to do together in the future can be a low-commitment, fun way of creating those emotions before you even get there. I say “low-commitment” because you don’t have to take it too seriously. You don’t have to book flights or put pressure on it. Just have fun imagining. It doesn’t even matter if it doesn’t happen—the point is the connection you get from imagining together. If you actually book something the two of you can look forward to, then that’s a wonderful bonus.

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Reminding Them of the Strength of Your Story

It’s crazy how much us going through this makes me realize more and more how the two of us are bigger than anything that comes our way. I love you This can be used for any kind of struggle you’re going through together. The beautiful sentiment you’re communicating is that the two of you are bigger than any obstacle you may face. It’s powerful in that it creates an us against the world mindset in both of you. It empowers and unites you against a common enemy: whatever is keeping you apart or making life difficult right now. It makes you an unstoppable team.

Counting down the days till we’re together. You and Me This is another positive message in the face of adversity—but the last three words are the most beautiful part. You and Me. This, like the message before it, reinforces the idea that the two of you have a story together. You’re on a journey. And no matter what happens, the constant, unwavering part of that story is the two of you.

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texts to pLaYfuLLY fLIrt You’re not funny -

Send this message when someone is teasing you and you want to be “pretend” annoyed. If you were saying this in person, you’d be fake pouting, or playfully hitting them. It’s fun to tease someone we’re getting a flirty rise out of. As long as the teasing (on both sides) is being done affectionately and isn’t focused on something hurtful, this is a great message to make the interaction more fun.

I hate you -

This is designed for the same kind of scenario as the previous message. It could even be sent as an addition to the previous message if they continue to ramp up the teasing after you said, “You’re not funny.” It’s all about context. “I hate you ” in this context means “I like you and we all know it.” The fascinating thing about language is that there’s something about “I hate you ” that in this context is just way more fun and achieves something different than “I like you.” It’s like you’re really saying: “You’re teasing me about something I don’t really mind being teased about, but I’m going to use it as an opportunity to pout and play annoyed because you’re going to find my cute act adorable and it’s going to make you want to come and hug me (and also tease me even more), but also underneath all that, I find you funny, and you being funny and playing with me is making me like you even more than I already do” . . . hence, “I hate you .” 

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Stop it, Hussey! -

OK, why is my name in there? Well, because I’m making a point. There’s something fun and sexy about using someone’s last name. People’s names stand out to them. As Dale Carnegie famously wrote: “A person’s name is to that person, the sweetest, most important sound in any language.” The interesting thing is that many of us often eventually stop using each other’s first names when we get really close, and end up using either a nickname or simply “babe” or “baby.” To this effect, even using their first name in a close relationship can be unexpectedly flirtatious. But someone’s last name is even more unexpected. The “stop it” part of this message isn’t important—you can use their last name in any way you wish. There’s a formality to it, but in the right context, it can be extremely endearing. Going back to The Office, think of Jim calling his wife, Pam, by her last name—“Beesly”— even after they’re married. It’s like if someone surprised you with something romantic and you said:

You’re such a sneak, [ Last Name ]! -

What works about this is that it’s a Pattern Break.

THE PATTERN BREAK A Pattern Break occurs any time you text, say, or do something that breaks the pattern of the normal dynamic between the two of you. You can break the pattern of an argument by walking over and passionately kissing your partner. You can break the pattern of a playful conversation by telling them, “I’m sorry, I know it’s off-topic, but you look so handsome/beautiful right now.” It’s about using the unexpected. The element of surprise. Taking someone off-road in a delightfully unanticipated way. 

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texts that Create sexuaL tensIon Showing our sexuality is important, especially in keeping the fire burning when we’re apart. But showing our sexuality doesn’t mean being X-rated. Porn sites across the web make their living out of being X-rated, but that’s not the key ingredient in you showing your sexuality. That’s not to say there’s anything wrong with it at all. I’m no prude when it comes to sexting or phone sex. If you’re having fun with someone you feel comfortable with—and most importantly, when it comes to anything you have in written or picture form, it needs to be someone you trust—then go for it. Just remember, sexuality is as much about—and sometimes even more about—what you don’t say as what you do say. Rather than always spelling things out, using the power of allusion is one of your best tools. You just bought a new outfit? Do you look great in it? Show them. By saying “Yes or no?” in this simple message, you’re asking for their opinion of you in an outfit you already know you look good in, but it makes for a nice excuse to show them how cute you look in it without actually having to say, “Check out how hot I look in this dress!” 

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What are you up to? I’ve been on Zoom calls for work all day. Wish everyone would leave this room so we could have it to ourselves / / / / There’s something sexy about bringing an image of your work life into your romantic interactions with someone. Your work is not a world they get to visit. It’s separate from them—even mysterious. You go there to play a different role, and to show a different side of your personality. Being on a work video call but saying you want everyone to leave so you can have the room to yourself feels taboo. They may not know the people from your work, but there’s something sexy about knowing they’re seeing a different side of you than all the colleagues and bosses you’re acting so professional around right now while you surreptitiously flirt via text.

Was thinking about when you opened the car door for me last night. That was so hot -

This message can be anything from a 2 to a 5 depending on the type of thing you’re referring to. In the example I’ve given, it’s a 2-3. It’s the kind of thing you might say the day after a second date. This text is great for its versatility, because you don’t even need to be using something that’s actually sexual as an example. If they were chivalrous enough to open the car door for you, on the night, you might have smiled warmly and said, “That’s really sweet. Thank you.” But if the day after, you find yourself recollecting it, and that moment was actually a turn-on, then this message is a wonderful way to introduce a little sexuality. You’re no longer saying it was “sweet” or “nice”—you’re telling them it was hot, which carries a different feeling. 

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If you want to modify the intensity away from sexuality, instead of saying “That was so hot,” write “That was really attractive.” Note: Many people continually end up in platonic relationships simply because they never make the leap from platonic language to desire language. The text on the previous page is an example of how to avoid that trap. Just don’t overdo it. Not everything should be “hot,” just as not everything should be “sweet.” The key is showing you can move between the two when the occasion suits.

P L AT O N I C V S . D E S I R E L A N G U A G E

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There’s language that shows what a nice, warm, lovely person you are, and those words can be very meaningful in creating connection. And then there’s language that creates desire in someone else. Knowing the difference between the two is essential to both flirting and creating sexual tension.

Platonic

Desire

You look handsome/beautiful I’m missing you You look good I’d like it if you did that again You’re so much fun I’m/you’re a good kisser

You look hot I’m craving you You look really fucking good OK, you have to stop . . . You’re trouble I’m/you’re a dangerously good kisser

I could go on. There are many examples of the differences between platonic and desire language. The examples above should help to steer you. There’s a different feeling when you read them. When you watch movies or TV—or even when someone speaks to you—have fun noticing the moment when desire language has been injected into the conversation.

OK, you have to stop -

This is a very versatile text that can be used in many different situations. First, we’re using the word “stop” here ironically in a playful context. I hope it doesn’t need to be stated that when said in a serious tone in very real, physical contexts, “stop” is a word that means what it says. We should therefore never use this word playfully when the reality is that we mean business and have no desire to carry on. But in an obviously ironic text—or even in person—when said with a smile and a wink, “You have to stop” can be an intensely fun and sexy phrase. This is true in the directly sexual sense as well as in the more absurd sense. Here’s a scenario that illustrates both: 

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Scenario A

They send you a picture in which they’re wearing a suit/ dress/sexy outfit in general. OK, you have to stop lol what??

You can’t send me pictures of you looking like that . . . it does things to me -

This doubles down on the tone of the last message. Saying “you can’t” (again, in a PLAYFUL context—please don’t misunderstand me here) is an immediate taunt for someone to keep going. When they hear you say they’re essentially not allowed to send you any more pictures like that, that’s exactly what they’ll want to do. In fact, they’ll likely want to do it even more—and have more fun doing it—than if you’d said, “Please send me more photos like that.” Why? Because it turns it into a playful game. This is why language matters. You can literally be saying the same thing, but one type of language will make someone want to do something more, and another will make them shrug their shoulders, put the toy down, and go do something else. Additionally, “. . . it does things to me” is a deliciously ambiguous and sexy phrase. You’ll leave them thinking, “Does what? Tell me!” 

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Scenario B

You ask him what he’s up to, and he tells you he’s cleaning the kitchen. Y O U S AY :

Stop . . . You can’t tell me things like that You . . . Cleaning the kitchen . . .

It does things to me . . . -

In this case, I’m playing with cadence by not sending all of these messages as one message, but instead, they arrive in quick succession so that each new one pops up on the screen—leading him to wait for the next message through the use of “ . . . ” It’s a way of saying: don’t leave your phone; I’m not finished. It also clearly reveals that you’re using sexuality in a playful and slightly absurd way by spelling out what he just told you he’s doing, followed by “it does things to me.” People become way too literal with their sexuality. The goal isn’t to become some Jessica Rabbit-like character oozing sexuality. It’s to show you have a sexual side, even when using sexuality in conjunction with something that’s not typically sexual. In fact, when something isn’t inherently sexual, like cleaning the kitchen, it gives you more license to be directly sexual. It’s like a free pass to show that side of yourself with no real “danger.”

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Have fun with these three powerful pieces of desire language, in a direct or absurd context:

OK, you have to stop -

You can’t tell me / say / do / send me things like that -

It does things to me . . . -

Take a picture of something that reminds you of a sexual or sexuallycharged moment you had together. It could be a chair in your house, an outfit you wore on a particular night, or just an item that holds an exciting memory for you both. Send the picture along with the text below. It’s a way of instantly inducing a state in them by taking them back there too.

Hmm . . . what could this be reminding me of right now? -

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This is another form of a Callback, like the ones we talked about earlier. Except it’s not a Callback to a shared joke—it’s a Callback to a shared sexual memory.

Another example would be: Can’t quite watch this movie the same way anymore . . . -

This achieves the same thing as the previous text. If you had a “fun” time during that movie, this is a great way to create a sexual moment by text. And the real beauty of it is that you haven’t actually said anything explicitly sexual. You’ve just directed their attention to that memory and are allowing their mind to do the work for you. You can always add a little to this message by splitting it into two parts: 

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T E X T 1:

Can’t quite watch this film the same way now . . . T E X T 2:

My mind goes places . . . -

This section of the couch just makes me horny now. It’s a problem -

First, telling them that looking at a part of the couch (or anywhere in the house/car/wherever) now evokes a memory of the two of you, and that the memory makes you horny, is hot. So is telling them that “it’s a problem.” I can’t stress enough how these little moments—where you playfully suggest there’s something annoying/frustrating/uncontrollable about something you’re feeling—can turn a complimentary message into a fun 

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and playful one. It suddenly feels like a game. It gives them permission to tease. It gives them a kind of playful (obviously not real) power over you. And like so many of these sexual messages, it doesn’t actually require sexting at all. It just requires you to point their mind in a certain direction and let it do all the work for you.

Can’t stop thinking about the other night -

This simple message acts as a Callback to an experience you recently had together. Of course, if you haven’t seen each other in a while, you could adapt it to a specific memory:

I keep thinking about that time we were in your car on the way back from the restaurant . . . -

You could always follow that up with:

I can’t wait to do that with you again -

Or let’s say you’ve never actually met in person, but you’ve had some sexual moments together over the phone or by text. Perhaps you were discussing the things you can’t wait to do when you’re finally together. You could say:

I keep thinking about our conversation the other night -

This text can be sent when you’re referencing a sexy conversation the two of you recently had. Remember, any sexual tone you create 

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by text may lead to a more sexually-explicit conversation. It’s likely someone could text you back asking for specifics: “Tell me what you’re imagining” or “Tell me what you’d like to do with me.” Again, I have absolutely no interest in telling you not to sext. That’s up to you. If you like someone, are having fun with them, and trust that their intentions are good, then go nuts. But just remember: there are ways to avoid it if you’d like to. For example, when they ask what you’re imagining specifically, you could say:

Lol I’m imagining things I can’t type -

Or:

You’ll have to use YOUR imagination for that part. But I’m having a good time in mine -

Of course, that’s the version where you choose to refrain from saying anything. You can always take a halfway stance and give a little. For example:

Lol. Definitely not going to type everything that’s going through my mind right now. But I may or may not be thinking about you bending me over the sink in my kitchen -

This has a little bit of everything. It says you’re not going to elaborate beyond this—which you can always back up in your next message if he tries asking—but it gives him enough detail to get his mind racing. The added emoji at the end suggests you’ve already said too much and adds a playful edge to it. 

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I may have had a dream about you last night . . .

what happened? Can’t say . . . but I’ve never seen that side of you before -

This message gets away with murder. You’re able to direct their mind to a sexy dream you had, without actually telling them anything other than the fact that they clearly did some unspeakable things in the dream. It’s another great way to talk about sex without actually talking about sex.

Whatever you’re up to right now, you’re in the wrong place -

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It’s entirely possible to send a picture of yourself that gets someone’s imagination going without sending a nude. In the example on the previous page, you’re in the bath, sending this message along with a picture of just your legs in the water—or even just your feet! The point isn’t to send a nude, but rather to give them a visual of where you are so they can think about you in that sexy setting. This doesn’t have to be in the bath—you could just as easily be on a lounge chair outside and pull the same move.

Scenario

He sends you a photo of himself (possibly out with friends, or with family) and you send the following texts: YO U – T E X T 1:

Yay! That looks so fun!

Y O U – T E X T 2 ( I M M E D I AT E LY A F T E R T E X T 1 ):

Also . . .

Y O U – T E X T 3 ( I M M E D I AT E LY A F T E R T E X T 2 ):

Your arms in this photo . . .

[Wait for his reply . . .] 

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HIM:

haha what? YOU:

Just enjoying the view -

The last message could even be adapted to:

Nothing . . . just enjoying the view -

I like this message because you acknowledge his text in a sweet way before delivering the afterthought that you couldn’t help but mention that his arms look sexy in the photo. You can obviously change this to suit anything about him/the photo. For example:

Also . . . You in that suit . . . Your smile in this pic . . . Your hair in this pic . . . Your body in this pic . . . Your eyes in this pic . . . 

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Scenario

They send you a photo in which they’re dressed up. YOU:

You look really fucking good. Wow -

This is a simple, to-the-point message. Though it feels like a nobrainer, a lot of people don’t send messages like this—they’re too coy, trying to hold back too much. Sending messages like this every day might be a bit much (or not—it just depends on your dynamic). But a well-timed, direct message showing you’re taken aback by how great they look in that moment can be powerful. I intentionally used “fucking” here because it adds to the punch. You may not like cursing—if so, don’t use it. Just consider whether “you look really good” has the same effect. The well-placed curse word here says there’s something significant about how good they look in this photo. So save it for when you really mean it. The “wow” on the end just completes this effect. They, for a moment, stopped you in your tracks.

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Texts for When They Try to Get Sexual Too Quickly There may be times when you find yourself needing to slow someone down sexually. This means setting boundaries, and sometimes, expectations. Here are a couple options for when you want to communicate the fact that, even though you like someone, you aren’t comfortable “going there” yet. Scenario A

They get too sexual too quickly. That’s a little fast for me, even if I do find you very handsome -

This is a great text for when someone tries to get too sexual with you at a stage in the relationship where you’re not comfortable enough to do so. This message is another example of The Bliss Point. It communicates a standard—“that’s a little fast for me”—at the same time as giving a compliment— “even if I do find you very handsome”— and as an added bonus, it shows this isn’t coming from a place of you being a prude with no sexuality. You could even add to this message if you’d been enjoying the tension that had been building until that point: 

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That’s a little fast for me, even if I do find you very handsome. Enjoying the foreplay though -

This last part could refer to the sexual banter the two of you were having before it became more sexual than you were comfortable with. Warning: I’m not saying you should use this very sweet and complimentary text with someone who is being sexual in a distasteful or disrespectful way. That should be a major red flag warning you to move on—not pay the guy a compliment. This text is not about appeasing someone’s bad behavior; it’s more about gently nudging a guy you like—who happens to have a bit of a different pace than you—in the right direction. And even then, if he continues to persist against your polite wishes, you can be much more firm or move on altogether. It is for this reason that I haven’t included this message as a level 1 text, because if they jump to something explicitly sexual the first time they message you, why bother?

Here’s another useful text to have in your pocket for when someone tries to get too sexual too fast:

I think you have me confused with a future me who’s been on many more dates with you -

Credit for this fantastic text goes to Jameson Jordan, my infamous video director and producer extraordinaire. I love this message because it makes two things clear when it’s sent: • I’m not saying this because I’m a prude. In fact, I’m a sexual being, which you would know if you invested more time and energy in me. • It’s too early for me to engage in the very sexual dynamic you’re trying to set up. 

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Scenario B

They invite you over, but you’re not ready to go to their place. THEM:

Want to come watch a movie at my place on Friday? YOU:

Hmm, might be a little early for me to do that

Which you should be thankful for . . . I’m a dangerously good cuddler -

“Netflix and chill” became a ubiquitous term in dating for a reason. The ease of simply inviting someone over to watch a movie on the couch, amongst other things, is always a temptation. There’s nothing wrong with it, of course, but if you find yourself feeling like you haven’t yet reached that comfort level with someone, the response above is a great way to deflect while still applying The Bliss Point technique mentioned earlier in the program. Saying “might be a little early for me to do that” is a nice way of communicating that it’s not a hard “no”—it’s just a “not yet.” The implication is that they’ll have to invest more to get to that point with you. But by suggesting they should be “thankful” because you’re a “dangerously” (notice the desire language) good cuddler, you’re giving them something to think about. There’s something sexy about the insinuation that your affection is so powerful that it could suck them in—in a way they’re not ready for. 

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You could also adapt this language to: Which is lucky for you, because I’m a dangerously good cuddler -

Messages like these work because, by asserting your boundaries in the beginning, you give yourself license to be more playful and sexy at the end. You’ve already drawn the line by that point.

Your place could be trouble. Think you may have to take me on a date this week, Mister -

This is a great text to send when someone’s trying to get you to come over, but you don’t feel they’ve invested enough for you to do that. I’ve also made this relevant to a level 4, because it can also work in scenarios where you’ve already slept with someone, but feel they’re not investing enough in an ongoing way for you to continue sleeping with them. I love this message for its directness. You’re not passively trying to find excuses to avoid going to his place for a date. You’re demonstrating confidence by saying exactly why his place is a no-go right now, but there’s also a hint of playfulness in the word “trouble.” You can guarantee this playfulness is received if you use an emoji or two:

Your place could be trouble. / Think you may have to take me on a date this week, Mister -

The word “trouble” is also a desire word. Trouble is fun. Trouble is sexy. Which is also why—if this is true for you—it’s not happening this week. So even though you’re rebuffing his “house date” right now, you’re still feeding his imagination about what it might have been, while also telling him the only realistic way forward is for him to take you on a real date. 

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Texts for When Someone Reappears This is a very common scenario. You build a connection with someone and have a great time, only to be disappointed when they drift away.

It may not happen all in an instant, such as in the case of someone completely “ghosting” you. Perhaps instead you notice their texts getting shorter, and the time between them getting longer, until entire weeks pass without really hearing from this person. No one says anything, or puts a name to what’s happening, but an unacknowledged distance begins to occur. When you do talk for short moments, there doesn’t seem to be any real depth. It’s almost as if they’re just reaching out to see if you’re still there, but they have no interest in building any momentum. You find yourself chasing the 

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connection you had with them, which felt so real on that amazing day, week, or month you shared together when the attraction, chemistry, and/or connection appeared to build on itself effortlessly. When they do reach out, even if only with a cursory message, there’s an instinctive, impulsive, emotional gut punch that works its way up your body, at first converting itself into a surge of hope and possibility that floods your heart, then continuing to travel toward the head, where your brain overanalyzes how to respond. This overanalysis typically takes the form of waiting: trying to construct the ideal message that will get them to try harder— something that will convey self-respect, but not inadvertently reveal all of the resentment, longing—and if you’re honest with yourself, hurt— that have plagued you since the last time you spoke. As with any of the texts in this guide, there’s no perfect message. Only a series of words that come together to echo a much deeper and more universal truth of attraction and connection. Understanding the principle is key. Seeing an example of the text is necessary for learning. Once you have both, you can create any message you’d like, provided it adheres to the principle. Here’s a message you can send in this scenario. Let’s assume the two of you were close, but the communication has all but died off. Then, out of nowhere, they send you a sweet text telling you “I miss you” or “I wish I could see you.” Try sending this:

Hey you. I hope you’re well. If I’m being completely honest, when you text me something like that, I’m not really sure what to say. I haven’t felt like we’ve been that close for a while and those messages (rightly or wrongly) come across like a bid for attention 

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Let’s look at the principles behind this message:

Hey you. I hope you’re well This is a way of showing that what comes next is not said in anger or passive-aggression, but with a kind heart and good intent.

I haven’t felt like we’ve been that close for a while This line is another example of The Bliss Point. On one hand, you’re showing that you feel you had something good going with them. But the operative word is had. They’ve let it go stale, and the consequence is that you haven’t felt that close for a while. This is not objectively saying you’re not close anymore; it’s just expressing how you feel. Someone can debate you on whether or not your claim is objectively true, but it’s much harder for them to deny your feelings on something.

Those messages (rightly or wrongly) come across like a bid for attention This is, without a doubt, the bite in the message. You’re pointing out in no uncertain terms the way this looks. It’s obviously the part that has the most potential to make the other person defensive, which is why it’s couched in the language of “rightly or wrongly” and “come across.” This allows it to be another “feeling” and “perception” you have, as opposed to you trying to make it about whether it’s objectively true. You’re allowing for the fact that you may be wrong about this, while pointing out from your side that their messages are coming across like a bid for attention. Therefore, whether it’s true or not, if they want more from you, this is a perception they’re going to have to correct with their actions (such as by investing more). 

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Notice that while there is real vulnerability in this message—it takes vulnerability to be this honest, after all—it maintains a kind of emotional neutrality. When you send this, you’re showing that you are very much in control of your emotions in this situation, even if they register an undertone of disappointment in the message.

It’s also extremely candid, but doesn’t lack warmth. In my more in-depth programs, I talk about this as Charming Candor. In this case, you are: • Being honest about what’s been lost, while . . . • Leaving the door open for things to get better, but . . . • Being clear about what it would take for it to actually be better (such as them building real closeness and momentum instead of these sporadic messages).

Isn’t it amazing how much can be communicated with so few words? This is why although texts often feel trivial in nature (and sometimes can be), the potential of words should not be trivialized in any context, texting or otherwise. Language is language, whether it’s an inscription on a cave wall, a message in a bottle, a handwritten letter, or a text. They are all simply a means to an end . . . understanding and being understood. And of course, there’s nothing in this text that wouldn’t work just as well if you said it face to face.

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Texts for When You Want to Make the Relationship Official YOU:

So it just occurred to me that when people ask me out, I have no idea what to tell them THEM:

Someone just asked you out?

YOU:

That wasn’t really the point, and it wouldn’t be important even if they had. But I know I like you, and I don’t want to disrespect what we have if this is going somewhere -

This should really be an in-person conversation, but I’m providing it as a text to illustrate the psychology. That’s not to say these texts couldn’t be used to kick off an in-person conversation about cementing your relationship if it’s still ambiguous. 

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If you know you’ll be speaking to them later, this text can be a way to set up the conversation. But to be clear, I still believe that the words in these messages would be better delivered on the phone or in person— although, as with all communication, that requires more bravery. You can obviously use someone else asking you out as the impetus for sending this message, or make it a hypothetical: “If someone asked

me out today, I wouldn’t know what to say to them.”

-

The implication is the same: I won’t be on the market forever, so you’d better decide what this is to you or risk losing me. Nothing turns on someone’s desire switches like the idea of something (or someone) going away. However, I’m not in favor of using this psychology in a childish or cruel way. Here we’re doing neither. We’re simply being real. What’s more, you’re following it up with genuine warmth, affection for what the two of you have, and a desire to protect it. How they take this information now will reveal how much they value what you have together, and whether they actually intend to take it somewhere.

FOR FURTHER STUDY As I mentioned, it’s best to have conversations about commitment in person, for obvious reasons. Still, many people find it nervewracking to discuss such important (and emotionally-loaded) topics face to face without time to compose their thoughts in a text. That’s why I’ve devoted an entire section of How to Talk to Men to help you navigate conversations like “Are you seeing anyone else?” and “Are we exclusive?” with confidence and ease. Just turn to Part 7: “How to Talk to Men . . . About Commitment” to find step-bystep guidance for your situation. If you don’t have a copy, you can download it instantly here. 

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Some Closing Thoughts Someone could be forgiven for thinking that the person who created this program loves texting, or thinks of it as tremendously important. I don’t. I love communication. More to the point, I love effective communication. Nothing gives me more joy than delivering an idea well in one of my videos, or in a speech on stage, or in a program like this. Communicating my thoughts, feelings, and ideas is more than a personal love of mine—it’s my life’s work. But it should be something we’re all focused on. Our ability to communicate our value, our standards, and our ideas will determine the strength of our relationships. Since we spend so much time texting each other, it felt appropriate to not only use texts far more powerfully to achieve desired results, but to also use them as a practical vehicle for communicating much bigger lessons about attraction and communication on a universal level. Texting was my Trojan horse. My goal was to leave you, dear reader, with the feeling that, through this program, you’ve gained a far deeper knowledge than you ever bargained for that can help you in all of your communication in life and love. In that, I hope I have succeeded. If you’ve enjoyed this teaching style, a valuable next step would be to try my program How to Talk to Men, which provides 59 different examples of things you can say to someone in conversation to create attraction, demonstrate your value, set boundaries and expectations, and navigate difficult conversations. It builds on what you’ve learned in this program and expands these ideas to many more situations in which you’ll inevitably find yourself in the course of dating and relationships. Once armed with these tools, you will have them forever. The moment, the conversation, and even the man may change, but the words will never go out of fashion. They will be the gift of communication you give to yourself and everyone you meet—and it will never stop giving. To give How to Talk to Men a try, CLICK HERE. Thank you for the time you’ve dedicated to this program. It has been a pleasure creating it for you. And I hope we’ll come together in many more ways to learn and grow in each other’s company. Your Coach,

Matthew Hussey

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hoW to taLk to Men Now that you’ve learned how to ignite momentum through texting in the early stages, you’re ready to learn to communicate with confidence through every phase of dating and relationships. If you’ve already grabbed your copy of How to Talk to Men, smart decision—you can jump right in and get started! Think of it as your communication bible, where you’ll find a decade of my expert coaching experience packed into 59 practical examples of things you can say to create attraction, demonstrate your value, set boundaries and expectations, navigate difficult conversations, and move your relationship forward. It builds on what you’ve learned in this program and expands these ideas to almost every situation or make-or-break moment you could encounter—from your first flirtation on a dating app (or in line at Starbucks) to the “Where is this going?” conversation . . . and beyond. 

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You’ll never have that “Help! What do I say?” moment again. In fact, without having to overthink every word or text, flirting and dating will be easy and carefree, and you can actually have FUN talking to men. (Imagine that!) How to Talk to Men goes way beyond texting to cover all forms of communication:

• Phone • FaceTime/Skype • Dating apps • Social media • In person (body language and conversation) • And, yes, even more texting It’s the ultimate communication compass that you will use again and again—forever. I designed this as a go-to guide: always there for you in any situation, and just like this book, it’s easy to jump straight to the answer you need. The moment, the conversation, and even the man may change, but the words will never go out of fashion. It’s the gift of communication you give to yourself and everyone you meet that will never stop giving—one that allows you to powerfully, clearly, and authentically tell the story of you. If you haven’t yet downloaded How to Talk to Men, you can get your copy instantly by CLICKING HERE .

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The Momentum Texts This powerful, versatile program will show you how to quickly and easily ignite momentum via text. You’ll want to return to this book again and again at different stages in your relationship—in addition to situations that call for “just the right words.” Before long, you’ll know exactly how to: • Playfully flirt • Use texting to get a date • Create attraction and sexual tension • Respond when someone reappears after ghosting you • Become irreplaceable in their eyes • Make your relationship official Behind each of these texts, you’ll find a universal truth about human dynamics that will serve you for the rest of your life. At its core, this book is about demonstrating your incredible value to a person so they can’t help but want more of you—although the fact that it will revolutionize your text game is a nice bonus!

About Matthew Hussey Matthew Hussey is the New York Times best-selling author of Get the Guy, and the creator and host of the #1 YouTube channel for dating and relationship advice for women. His sold-out live tours, immersion retreats, and powerful training videos have empowered millions, and his proven approach inspires people to get the relationships they deserve while feeling confident and in control of their own happiness.

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