The courage to grow

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Joseph

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ll> Gro1v

October

28, 1973

Last week I said that while whites tend to be more acade111ically developed, blacks tend to better understand people. Like Jim Grasty, a black from Harlem. I usually don't use real names in my collllllI1, but want you to rernember Jim. Some day his 1 understanding will do much to help blacks and whites come together. Jim came to summer school with reservations. He had left two other smm11er schools the first week because of homesickness. He tried the same thing at Hyde but this time I stopped him. After a ''man to man''' talk failed, I brushed 1 aside his ''lofty ' reasons for leaving with sarcasm and a lecture about ''guts''. He· wasn t. used to it. ''Man, are you calling

i.n fields Before1-t ~eatness tif ic dee universal sie Owens

r studies :, 'White. taughtme Leintelli-

,e the same E intelli·

ca for the

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me plastic?''

''Ji 11u11y, I've heard all the 'reasons' , it still adds up to a quitter.'' Next, I cut off his escape route by bolstering up his parents, a very strong influence in Ji,11,uy' s life. Ghetto fa111ilies that are able to stay together are some of the best. ''If Jir1a11y is ever going to find his best, you must demand he stay and face up to things.'' I also had some help from Barry, a white student counselor, who got to lmow Jim by playing him ''one on one'' in basketball. Barry had resigned from Hyde the year before and didn't want Jim to make the same mistake. I managed to keep him at school, although 011r eyes seldom met and J irmny' s pet name for me in the dormitory was ''warden'' .

practically

When Ji11n11ybecame a Senior, Barry called me from college: ''I got thinking, Mr. Gauld. I'm making money on my job, so I want to help Jimmy go to college. I know there's something important in that kid.'' I was able to tell Barry that Jjr1u11yhad been accepted to Brown on full scholarship. Barry was so choked up, his ''that's incredible'' was barely audible. When I told Jirrnny what Barry had tried to do, he broke down and cried. The depth of their relationship became even more obvious to me later. A teacher recalled Barry's shortcomings in Jinnny's presence and brought fire to Jirrnny's eyes as he came to Barry's defense. It rerninded me of the only time I '' 1 it in to'' my grandmother - she had unfairly criticized my brother, Tom.

But Jim gradually began to accept both Hyde and me. Later he even ca111e to me when he was upset by overtones of racial prejudice in school. After investigating, I found the source to be Mark, a Southerner, so I called both Mark and Jj1101iyinto my office for a conference .

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''You both must realize that your feelings towards each other are not of your doing . I was brought up in a segregated Washington, D .C. and was shocked to find a black in my high school when we moved up north. But I knew my prejudice was wrong, and making black friends helped me face myself.''

Jirm11y graduated last June and his classrnates and teachers voted him the Hyde Award for outstanding development of courage, integrity, concerr1 for others, curiosity and leadership. To quote the last of his Co1mr1ence1nentspeech: ''This

year has unquestionably been an exhilarating one for me, as the relationships I've made and the experiences I've encountered have all contributed greatly to my future. My life will never be an easy one nor will it ever be the same bec~use of the cormnitments I've taken on,. My attachments to family friends, race, and coun~ry ~e ali very deep and probably in that order, and all are a fo~m of incentive. However, that which d has been most inspiring to me an . h I am most thankful for that wh ic . has been the goodness and s1ncer-

I heard nothing more until a year later. Almost by accident, J ir1011ytold me he had invited Mark to visit him in Harlern after school let out. dr''Mr · Gauld, people think Harlem is just all ugs and muggings and I wanted Mark to see it 11 as a place of real families. • n,;Jino,ry told how Mark had planned to spend only 0 days, but stayed a week with only one anx· ....... , 1 c · ious moment: 'I did some errands and when I home Mark was gone. My sister said Bobby i k ieu d - took him somewhere. I nearly pan~ ed, imagining Bobby a militant Black Panther, v11 th a · . ' th . preJud1ced Souther11er. I rushed out to e neighborhood, but found them talking away,

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CONTINUED ON PAGE 89

Tlie CouraueTi 7'

November 4

o Gro

tv

·, 1973

the matter with kids

to-

5

Adults ask: ''What' • day?,, This girl answers.

f the subject 0 ''Whenever I th1. •s I ant to cry. Love 1 love, w b uch a beautiful supposed to es. well . d young people as th1ndg anlts abuse this word so as a_ u -a to exmuch that when it is use . press a feeling it sounds phony. . an• t use· I ''What is real love? c the word love anymore. It seems strange. I think ~o~t the condition this world is in now.. parents ar,e supposeq to be dedicated to th-eir kids and make sure they are growing ~ right. There are problem parents as well_as problem kids and a lo·t of t1m~s its the parents fault why a kid ·nk

goe,s down a drain.

''When I was living with my parents, there was a house full of kids, an

alcoholic father who always drank up the money and wouldn't come home, and a mother who always ran to her mothers house while leaving us at home. We had no food, no clothing, and the most important thing that we didn't have was love. After a while things got worse and we all got split up and sent to a home. Do you know how we all got put there? My mother told us that we were going on a picnic and the next thing we knew we ended up in a home. Is that real love? ''Parents are babying their kids, giving them anything, and for what? Parents are some of the worst abusers. They are supposed to be e:xaxrtples for the younger generation and they push and sell ~gs and drink excessively. Believe me, this isn't something that I heard but have actual knowledge of. ''Mr. Gauld, I haven't had the chance to read all of your articles and the ones I ha:7e read have been about P!:~blem kids. Have you written anything on problem parents?'' perhaps you think such ,_ . .JUS t in . s 1,,rr,s. uncortlfil1. t t- ed But 1 f. d ,, · parents are today that are even let~~n r:spectable'' homes Such parents either t tog kids down worse .. never saying- ''no'' 0 r ry buy affection by sweep th-· problems under the ru _eir children's . . g to main tai image in the co1inttlllli ty Th . n a successful ''fine children who ha • ey so promote their are afraid telling thve no problems'' that kid down . e real truth will 1 s · et them T'\

consider the scars a ''closed'' h . . t . b ome he, make on t h is sensi ive, ut ungu •d .i.ped l ed gir1''When I was 14 years old I · . b was seeing a oy steadily. We tinued to date all the nex.t con-. I became 15, he was 16 A Year • s we b catne closer and more intimat e... shared many . things, one of whe1ch .we was sexual intercourse. Th· b . t I 1S ecame a h ab i , a thing to do , In a way it was an expressio · t 1 0 n of 1.1mnaur e ove . ur love was feeling of mutual warmth ' an aexchange of ideas, affection friendship. Our sexual reiations were exploratory; we were finding out about sex; about each other The thought never really impres~ed us that sexual intercourse led to pregnancy or venereal disease. Eight months after the beginning of our sexual intimacy I became pregnant. Various 'solutions' were evident: I could kill myself, tell my parents and have them put me in a home for unwed mothers ( which would tra_u,11atize my mother), or have an illegal abortion. I knew I could never really kill myself, I could not Jring myself to tell my parents, so I had an illegal abortion with money which I borrowed from my brother. It was strictly confidential. The abortion itself was a rather harrowing experience, psychologically. I felt that, • although I was being totally unrealistic, I wanted to keep the child. I wanted to have that baby, to love it, to. watch it grow. I realized that the baby would not be a doll, an adorable toy to play with all my life so the only escape was to have all life scraped and sucked out of my uterus. Afterwards , I was overcome with gui 1t _ that I had murdered my child - if left untouched he could have been a living, breathing individual, a creative thj_nking person. I ~ still haunted by the deep lasting guilt even now.'' like tbiS But suppose she had told her parents girl: .Tnn'I

''A few surmners ago I got into trouble - I becai,ie pregnant· . After a lot of thinking and talking to other people I caID.eto tl:e t1on conclusion that having an aoor 1

abortion

I .was very relieved

an

AGE89 CONTINUED ONp

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'

Kids Talk About Drugs ay one school proudly announced it d . d . . The other done case involving rugs in six has only ha

their childrens in it.

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''For years I've lied to my parents ab ut taking drugs. I thought my fa~her would call the police and • st have an overall hassle. Rel~ntly I thought about telling them but I don't know if I would be doing thern wrong. I've gotten ~o the point in lying that they think I'm dead set against drugs. I feel it would be a shock if they 1mewnow but I don't feel good about not being honest. This sounds stupid but I enjoy some dru.gs and I don't really care what drugs do to me.

Parents must understand the pressures from peers to do drugs is intense. Few kids have this one's strength: ''I know something of the pressures to srnoke pot. It is a miserable situation to be in when everybody in a room is srr1oking up and you' re not. This has happened to me a few times and I get very upset, ernutionally. I feel like an oddball. I'm pretty sensitive to feelings and usually I can tell that those people don't respect me for my decision. The pressure gets really bad and I find I want to smoke it, do anything so they won't reject me, but respect and like me. So far, when this has happened I have still said no; something inside of me says no. But how strong that feeling inside of me is I don't know.''

''Mymother is more liberal than my father, but I think telling her could be worse. Women are emotional. I don' t want anyone to think the problem is them. It's my choice, I made it and I'll live (and die) with •l t

•

II

few Then when kids care enough to level, So kids don't parents struggle to understand. respect their judgment: ''Recently I was having a very heated and consequently open discussion with my parents. I told them I have taken LSD. They were upset but not in a way that was understanding. They shook their heads and looked at the ground as though I had thrown my life away. fl

involvement

''It seems to me that the problem lies in the parents understanding of their children's curiosity. Most parents haven't got the closeness with their children that would let their kids rely totally upon their judgment. Therefore when a child rejects their ideas of how drugs can physically or mentally harrr1 them, they don ' t understand. Can't parents realize that it's out of curiosity and a rejection of their judgment, that their kids take drugs?''

ears· . e grew out of this utterly false , 5 time w ......... 1 It t not having the problems everyone e se th idea a better teachers or parents. Such has makes us top kids from getting help with statementls s oblems. They feel bursting our ·r rea pr 1 · h thel. 11 let us down further, eaving t em bubbles wi t sense of guilt for duping us. A . th a grea ~ypical example:

y_

:,.

Tl,e Courage To Grow November 11, 1973

Or this

kid's:

''I live in the guts of New York. I'm living in an environment of drugs. My friends take it for fun or for to join the group. ,,1 go to parties

and dances with this around. I have been offered some and the guy to put me down low, they take it or srnoke right unde: m nose' but I know if I srnoke cigiettes drink, smoke pot or shoot I'li feel this guilt in myself up,much that there's no where to so from my hide from my parents or . ld ·1t I believe this guilt wou gui f. the rest of my life.'' stay or 1 1ear11 the extent of a Most parents on y . serious trouble. kid's drug use when ~e gets 1~imply availability. And serious trouble is often .. ed at the beginning

Parents that I know, usually base their ideas about drugs upon what they read, what they see on TV, and hearsay. Unfortunately, what they usually read is from one point of ~iew. Just about the only articles in the newspapers concer11ing drugs are of people who have overdosed ~r died from therr1. The same goes or most brochures, etc. They speak only of what may happen but of what may not. Therefore, hey think that if a child (maybe th eir o·wn) take~ a drug he Ptobabl · ' and 1ose h" Y will become addicted ls sanity. God knows how many ~~u~s take or have taken drugs and eir parents haven't a notion of

:ot-

of 7th grade 10th the last term of close to four years

of

That was continual

CONTINUEDON PAGE90

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11,e Courd at or ~ ject I started, I'm suro this •~ fllf ~r lfJ'/ parents ond tonchers (my - ~ter 15 t:ho sa:n way. so I can now It u,ok special attention fr0111 to ma)ccm.e even a passing student. ,It

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c1.uciplin , I don't mean super,,. dlSsroc- teaching ,-,here a teacher asks £ al --4 5 impl.Y calls upon student hands • ~;ii)lt response. I mean ll.ke the time ~ep!atheftoolt over when I '-'8.S flWlking f! stti)' aridaade111ee,cplain every an1Ncr I &«-'~ l couldn't:, bnck I \.'OUld go to my :for further st.-udy. I can still feel his :1.st1ess .:id uncoaipromisin& "whys" which drew r; tearaand ultuaately put me back on page one. t.it !or the first ume, I l.Ulderstood math. tf '- ~c

J llti equally lucky in English. I took a ym of pre;, after the war. I vividly recall ±t class of seniors dotted with World War II

irtvar.s, :loudly singing to Mr. Benshimol • s R"".:ir. ('-'ithout daring even to grin): "Silent e «.!i;s aregenerally dropped, before a consm:t, begl.nning with a vowel, and the cons:act • does not double. Except c e and g e le! ea or 0000. " Mr. Benshi.mol got ' away with ' ~btca:lSe he made everything in English come 51m!·~~ enacted Hlmlet for us, grabbing a tllrgggt hi~ lectum and stabbing Polonius I curta1.n. eiecurwn They say he had to replace every year.)

"G - a - u - l - d". Someho\o." I forgot -who deserved the credit.)

I tried to do all my graduate work in s\.lllllers, but was stymied when they failed to off er a certain required advanced course. Thev reluctantly granted my persistent request to · try it on my own, stating it couldn't be oone.

Itifse aenme didn • t cure me of daydreaming, but they be}?ed iraduatescoooito squeak through college to . lped• get ~ (Hy st~father unknowingly 1!:i aper bach to graduate school. Lacking 03'1t a,,,._.~"6round ldth a poor record I -.., -.,.__ So -P.4CJ: If I r~Lsten'twe l/!18 ning but ten to mistrust iJl "" .... 1 Reaso .,iJCecetlec.....,.,.gut"feelings. JP 1·ke oll •nets J. • Aspen that helpe d coniJ$'1 Jan e,qierten~e view is and how prej8 l h hO" 1illlit~ al" way of thinking. #ce oe CJl'f"1og1c .,diced be invited to participate flattered. tote of Asian Studies. More 1 ,-as Instl cu . weAspen and a vacation, I think I 1n an eiq,erience week semimar by the glamclla!1 dri11'1l to the twOticipants. They included: .as other ¢ of the the par University o f M.1.ch'1.gan, A s st . president0 : f the New York Times, S ecre0 ~iD& &dito; Asian Affairs, Princeton Prorair of Stateano;tudies, a former Ambassador, fesscrof ASl tc The roster read like a noted,;r1ter' " .

J;~t

,..s

l'il)'S 1/hnd ~~~~ •'Orko~t, finishing with a sauna. <her,1tand Hyde's deeper purpose anctried to so help his classmates - without success. lllt DOV TiD 'lolOuldteach in death.

me the

power of lifo

I wtat to Lo"' Island to help wi. th the funeral. ~ter vacation, the c;tudertc; and faculty invited the McCoverns for a Hyde Memorial Service.

r It "'IS deeply moving, not saddening. As kids ~scec about Tim ( "truck in' on do"n the : ill his yellow suspenders"), he seemed to dlive. Then I delivered the eulogy:

"Death in life is hardost whoo it COl:.esat Till' s age. It leaves SUcha sense of incompleteness. own sens" of Uleompleteness by his concerns ~ a leader that he could not turn on' the students at Hyde. 0

give Tim's

llha • "'8 DIUst first · t he llas trying in ea.ch of you

·s01neCl

ownlif:es

1 sensed this deep concern for others and desire for adventure in the McGovern f!l!llily when I intcrviowod Tim in 1968 But I also sensed a real frustrati.on in this boy who seemed to be all elbows and knees. He could not seen to find himSolf nor ~rfectivcly give of himself.

1

''Tim dicln • t like the interv~ew, but he thought i r fru.r. H1s l father w-rote: 'Hyde was the on y school chat brought up vha~ iq>Ortont in seemed to us so . dJ.dn' t , life Whoroas Tim T im s • d under your enjoy boing pl ace . ' k he sees this. attac , H de much for Y "Nor did he care carted a pro-

'"rimdescribed his

•~/

•

life

a completeWlderstand to ' turn on'

School when he s re yeor, Re bational'Y soph~ero confi.llilli· found the ao:ios;> the Hyde conHe strug&l~ w;:,hsense of_adcept, findrfurther d0ubtit>8A• venture an f 1.ts people, 'l the concern o the faculty: wrote about realize rJY he would alSO e ic; w1sh they d hoW I get th~r co 111e, future an rime imPortanc: such also ~f ~ ect pressur~~e pro,cd I don t !s of· If I 1 belie,e

•

can be found in Tim's I>arent Re was a product of 9 for Whohad a doop concern 0 liloth~~ children. Tim' c; father 8 a school nurse, his a zest ; Pedilltrician. They bad tain d or life. Tim's Dad mainhJ,6 ; 8 practice that allowed Lor.g~ly to alternately live 1n eia and and in Hai ti. This faafly lldvonture brought their closer together.

1ng

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as questi here, righL to be

IIIY

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CharacterDevelopment Begins At Home

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detcn:iined to develop char'Ihe parents ;.,c~;ldren. They stayed home to actcr 1n th;i~t "'ent to church toge the~• tal(e care o f '·e resp0nsibility and d1s0 g11veplonty O .~d~ college educations. But i Iir.C and pron tho · t e P, h'ldren grew up resonting au n y, their c \.,ork LO :;eek only fun and plcnsurc, 1:~:bew1ldored parents to wonder - what

f

,;ent \.TOng? Their !-tory typlifies what our society scrioush misunderstands about growth. Character developnent must begin in the home, with the parent giving his own character to the child. Ho1o1evcr this means giving their real Sl'h:cs, "warts :ind all." The first definition of character is: "the combination of quali tics or rrai cg to distin~uish an individual ... ", but most parents are so insecure about themselves, they attempt to be "model par en ts, " thus giving theh: chil