Tested Telegrams and how to Write Them [1 ed.]

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Tested Telegrams AND HOW TO WRITE THEM by

ELMER WHEELER Author of "Tested Sentences That Sell," "Tcstcd Public Speaking," "Sizzlemansbip," "Word Magic," "Tested Retail Selling."

Illustrations by H. 0. Hotsenpiller

New York: 1941 PRENTICE-HALL, INC.

Copyriglit, 1941, by

ELMER WHEELER All rights run-ved.

Printed in the United States of America

Dedicated to JOHN

Q.

PUBLIC

To Get More SIZZLE And Less Fizzle Into His Telegrams

Foreword THERE IS MORE TO WRITING A TELEGRAM THAN MEETS THE EYE Of ten the twist of one word spells success or failure for the wire. THERE IS MORE TO A DIAMOND THAN MEETS THE EYE

of the casual observer. There is more to a fur coat than meets the eye of the too hasty bargain buyer. There is more to an automobile than meets the eye of the prospect looking through the showroom windows. And-there is more to writing a telegram than most people realize, who merely dash one off, trusting to gosh it will bring results. For example, the husband wires his wife: WILL ARRIVE TODAY AT FOUR MEET ME LOVE.

Simple enough, you say? Clear? Was it? Let's see a moment. " here" should she meet �

FOREWORD

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him? What station? Will it be four in the after­ noon, or four in the morning? It would have cost the man NOT ONE CENT MORE to have said: ARRMNG THURSDAY AFTERNOON AT FOUR. GRAND CENTRAL INFORMATION BOOTH. MEET ME PLEASE. MUCH LOVE.

Not only is this telegram clearer, but it sounds more natural. It has more warmth. And costs the same 35¢ charge made for such tour types of tele­ grams. THE EMILY POST OF TELEGRAMS

Often the twist of one word spells success for the young man trying to win the hand of his lady; Often the change of a single word brings in the order for the salesman; Often ADDING a single word doubles the effect of the telegram! One word here, another there, and Mother is at the right station platform to meet Father. Or the bill of goods is delivered with greater despatch.

FOREWORD

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And the right choice of words makes the birth­ day or wedding message touch the heart of the receiver twice as gracefully, and many times quicker. So don't run telegrams up dead-end streets. Learn the magic formula for putting words together into "Tested Telegrams" that click for you. Learn this modern art, this new Emily Post of Telegrams! It's for all of you-grandmother, pop, mom, little Willy, one and all. To teach you tact, di­ plomacy, or the gentle art of love by wire. What to write, and how to write it, will get you a job, a promotion, a sweetheart, or an order. It will bring you happiness in the home, more social success, or greater business gains. Turn to the formula now, but always remem­ ber: Telegrams, properly put together, WIN and seldom lose!

We're Never Too Smart to Leam

CONTENTS FOREWORD: THERE IS MORE TO WRITING A V

TELEGRAM THAN MEETS THE EYE • I. DON'T BE A FINGER COUNTER •

3

.

2. ADD-DON'T SUBTRACT-FOR CLARITY

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3· 4·

•

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SIZZLE-DON'T FIZZLE •

12

5·

BE NATURAL

15

6.

IF YOU WERE TO SEND A TELEGRAM TO AN

STOP USING STOPS ,

ESKIMO

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THE STORY OF THE CAPTAIN AND HIS FIRST MATE

8.

THERE'S HOUSE

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always •

•

A MR.

•

•

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•

SMITH IN THE

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DON'T USE MODEL-T WORDS IN TELEGRAMS -BE MODERN

IO. THE MORAL BEHIND THE WIFFLE TELEGRAM

3I

II, HOW TO COLLECT OVERDUE ACCOUNTS WITH "TESTED TELEGRAMS"

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•

,

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12, THERE AREN'T ANY MOTHER-IN-LAW TELE­ GRAMS, BUT YOU MIGHT USE ONE OF THESE BON VOYAGE WIRES

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CONTENTS

13.

WHEN YOU FEEL THE URGE TO CONGRATU­ LATE

0 'f.!!;R

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SOMEBODY

..

,

FOR

SOMETHING

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.

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SIZZLEGRAMS THAT PEOPLE •

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,

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PUT PEP INTO PALE :

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GEE WHIZ, MOM, POP SENT ME A TELEGRAM

50 52 55

VARIOUS WAYS , OLD AND NEW, TO SEND A TELEGRAM •

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•

•

•

19. "1- 2-3-4-5-6 -7-8-9-You'RE

FIRED!" •

20. KEN MURRAY HAS A DARNED GOOD REASON FOR USING TELEGRAM PUNCTUATION •

21.

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TELEGRAMS FOR WEDDINGS BUT NOT FOR DIVORCES-YET •

17. 18.

. .

"STORK TELEGRAMS" THAT MAKE EVEN THE STORK STICK OUT ITS CHEST •

15.

. .

OB.,

WHEN "ELECTED" BECAME "EJECTED" •

•

66 69

22. HOLIDAY TELEGRAMS THAT RING THE DOORBELLS THE WAY YOU WANT THEM RUNG

23.

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WHEN THE MAN AT THE CONVENTION FORGOT TO PRINT HIS MESSAGE •

24. 25.

HOW TO SEND A CABLEGRAM

MAKE YOUR WIRES LIGHT IN "FEELING" FOR BEST RESULTS •

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•

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WINSTON CHURCHILL KNOWS THE VALUE OF TELEGRAPHIC LANGUAGE

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DON'T TRY TO HYPNOTIZE PEOPLE WITH WORD SLEIGHT-OF-HAND

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x

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CONTENTS THE

TESTED

WAY

OF

HANDLING

"CONDOLENCE" TELEGRAMS •

YOUR

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29. A SHORT LESSON IN WINNING PEOPLE AND HOLDING THEIR RESPECT •

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•

96 99

HOW TO "SAY IT WITH FLOWERS" .

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31. TOUCHES OF HUMOR OFTEN HELP MANY A TOO SERIOUS TELEGRAM

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MAKE YOUR TELEGRAMS SOUND "FRIENDLY" USE WORDS THAT PEOPLE USE IN THEIR

III

EVERYDAY CONVERSATIONS

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MAKE YOUR TELEGRAMS "LEAD" PEOPLE, NOT "SHOVE" THEM, INTO THINGS .

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105 108

II4

DON'T BE A MR. HYDE WHEN WRITING TELEGRAMS

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36. SIR THOMAS LIPTON GIVES US A GOOD SELLING TIP •

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SILLY TELEGRAMS-BUT THEY GET A LAUGH

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HOW TO BE DIPLOMATIC •

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� A FEW TESTED METHODS TO PUT CONGRATU­ LATION TELEGRAMS OVER WITH A WALLOP

•

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40. THE STORY OF THE STRAW HAT ON THE OHIO RIVER

41.

A LITTLE BIT OF PHILOSOPHY TO CO WITH YOUR PSYCHOLOGY •

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134 •

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THIRTY-ONE WAYS TO HOLD SALES UP

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LAST CHAPTER THE FIVE FAMOUS WHEELERPOINTS

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FIVE WHEELERULES TO MAKE YOUR TELEGRAMS "CLICK" I.

"Don't Be a Finger Counter" Think of the idea, not the number of words. Count results-not the cost of each word.

2.

"Add-Don't Subtract-for Clarity" Every word deducted takes away from the meaning. Something taken from something, � leaves less. Add for clarity.

-

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3. "Stop Using Stops" Periods, commas, and question marks are free. Telegrams properly punctuated look natural, not like code messages.

4. "Sizzle-Don't Fizzle" Just another way of saying, "Be original." "Re­ tel" * is all right at times, but "My dogs ache" stole the telegram show at the Chicago World's Fair. Win respect with originality.

5. "Be Natural!" Don't have a false-face personality when you write telegrams. Be yourself-not a cold tele­ graphic statement of fact. Be natural-not militaristic. • "Regarding your telegram."

1 DON'T BE A FINGER COUNTER

(Wheelerule 1) Think of the idea you want to express, not the numbel' of words. THE MAN STOOD AT THE TELEGRAPH COUNTER TEAR­

ing up sheet after sheet of the yellow paper. He would write the wire, count the words, try to cross out some, only to find his meaning was blurred. The man earns a fair salary each day. He must have spent one half hour of that salary trying to save 2 to 5 cents on the extra word. He wanted to keep the wire within ten words, because after that he might have to spend a few pennies more. The point is this: Forget the nth word, and the 12th. They cost less than the cigarettes you smoke trying to eliminate them. 3

4

DON'T BE A FINGER COUNTER THINK OF THE IDEA

,.. You don't always have tO.,,,§end a so-word d.;i, .-I.lk,tte,r, of course, but don't let a few extra words stand in the way of clarity. Take a telegraph blank. Write the story you want to get across to the receiver, then go through your wire and cross out meaningless "ands;' "ifs,'' and "buts." BUT KEEP IN THE MAIN WORDS!

Then re-count your wire and see if you aren't somewhere near the IO-word minimum for full. rate, fast wires. Do the same thing on day or overnight tele­ grams. Write your story. Think only of making it clear. Then go through the wire with a pencil to eliminate any "word whiskers." One good way to save words is to cut out any repetition of the IDEA. Too often you say the same thing twice, because the first time you made it so short and cryptic it sounded unintelligible.

DON'T BE A FINGER COUNTER

s

Say it so CLEARLY, the first time, that you save the words necessary to clarify what you've already said. Stick to the IDEA and the telegram will "click." Think about the number of words, and not only will you lose spontaneity and sparkle, but the idea will become lost. Don't put a wet blanket over a telegram by re­ moving the "guts." Leave the starch in the wire; it will make a better impression-and will go over quicker for you. The rule is: Think of the IDEA you want to express, and not the I Ith, 12th, and 13th words.

Keep Telegrams from Sounding Like Military Reports

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2 ADD-DON'T SUBTRACT-FOR CLARITY

(Wheelerule 2) Every word deducted from the MAJN THOUOHT takes away from the meaning of the telegram. EvERY EGG TAKEN FROM THE CAKE ROBS IT OF

flavor; Every drop of spirits from the glass takes away from the kick; And every word taken out of a telegram weak­ ens it, if that word is necessary to the meaning. Don't add one single word that doesn't add to the meaning, but don't be so foolish as to save 3¢ and lose the effect of a 50¢ telegram. That 3¢ is like an insurance policy-it often insures you that the wire will make a deeper im­ pression, and get over quicker with the person who gets it.

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ADD-DON'T SUBTRACT-FOR CLARITY

7

PENNY WISE AND POUND FOOLISH

It is no trick to take out words. The trick is to boil the idea, not the words, down into the fastest reading time. Saving a penny or two on the nth word is penny wise that may result in losing a dollar, or goodwill. Don't be thought "Scotch" by your friends be­ cause your wires to them are so cryptic they have to be read several times to make the meaning clear. Learn the art of "telegraphic" short-hand. Learn how to speak telegraphically, but don't be so telegraphic that people read things they shouldn't between the lines. There is great power in a condensed telegram, but one so highly condensed its meaning is lost is a worthless dud. You never add anything to anything by deduc­ tion, for the law of deduction is that something from something leaves LESS, not more.

I

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ADD-DON'T SUBTRACT-FOR CLARITY

Therefore, step two in preparing a sure-fire telegram is to abandon any idea that tightly squeezed telegrams show business acumen, or get admiration for your thrift. You will gain MORE ADMIRATION for the wire that gets across with the other person, regardless of cost, than the penny-savings admiration you might get on a wire that looks weak. Put this second rule to work at once if you want to pep up your wires, socially or commercially. Add words to the IDEA when you want to make it clearer.

Something from Nothing ls Still Not/zing

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3 STOP USING STOPS

(Wheelerule 3) Punctuation is free anyway, and makes the telegram read so much smoother.

HAVE YOU EVER RECEIVED A TELEGRAM FILLED WITH

"stops"? Didn't it irritate you? Having the other fellow advise you when to "stop," just as if you didn't know when to anyway. Oh, yes, it was to prevent you from reading into telegrams various meanings you shouldn't, but somehow or other the psychology of a tele­ gram filled with "stops" was not so good. The salesman wires for an order, and as a sort of warning to the prospect against buying, he puts jn..,s)ot of "stops." Poor, poor psychology. So the telegraph companies decided to let you have periods, commas, and question marks in your wires, at no extra cost. ires took on a more personal meaning. They looked less like mysterious code messages, and 9

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STOP USING STOPS

everybody benefited. Fewer wires were misinter­ preted, and the telegraph company and the send­ ers and receivers had fewer headaches. TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THIS SERVICE

So, rule three, to get your telegrams across with others quicker, is to put in periods and other marks of punctuation. All you want-to make the wire read more "streamlined." Put in the right period and help yourself get the order! Add a comma-and let the young lady read the wire more easily. A lot of things can happen when punctuation is left out or put in the wrong place. The story is told how Amon Carter, owner of the Fort Worth Star Telegram, once ran a cartoon showing a little boy kneeling beside the bed of his mother saying, "Goodby, God. I'm going to Dallas." Mr. Carter .figured his old rival Dallas would

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STOP USING STOPS

11

get a good dig out of this, but the Dallas News reprinted the cartoon and changed the punctua­ tion so the message under the kneeling boy read: "Good! By God, I'm going to D�las!!" _ You know you can change the old slogan, "Ask the Man Who Owns One," used to promote Pack­ ard cars, to "Ask the man: Who owns one?" Take a tip from this third great point in writing wires that win, and stop using stops. Use punctuation freely. Periods (.), Commas (,), and Question Marks (?) too, if you want.

It's as Much How You Punctuate as What You Say

4 SIZZLE-DON'T FIZZLE

(Wheelerule 4) "Retel" is all right at times, but "My dogs ache" stole the telegram show at the Chicago Fair.

BY THIS FOURTH POINT I MEAN: BE ORIGINAL.

Too many telegrams are stuffy and mousy and sound as if they had been used over and over again. "Having a good time and wish you were here" has become almost the biggest joke in the travel business. Avoid such bromides. Avoid others such as: "RETEL" "INST"

"sAP" (Soon as possible) Originality is not facetiousness. Don't try to be funny in business telegrams, and don't try to be dignified in '.Ein" telegrams. "Boy, the fafr's a wow, but my dogs ache," will 12

SIZZLE-DON'T FIZZLE

13

get more reaction from the family than the "Hav­ in a good time" type of telegram. If you can't think of anything original, go to a telegraph office and see some of their "planned wires" already fixed up for you to send. ese telegrams were chosen from the best of thousands submitted by free-lance writers, and some which the public have, of their own accord, seen fit to write over a period of years. They are truly "Tested Telegrams." Instead of merely saying, "RECEIVED ORDER. SHIP­ MENT ON WAY," try to add a little personal touch, and say perhaps something like this: "MANY THANKS FOR YOUR ORDER. IT IS ON ITS WAY,"

Nothing original about that, but just "different" enough to make the company who ordered the goods feel you are a "bright, up-te>-the-minute house." And the wire costs you NO MORE to send! If you want your telegrams to succEED with all the punch a wire can put behind your words, prac­ tice this fourth point and be original.

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SIZZLE-DON'T FIZZLE

Remember the old sales rule of ours: It's the sizzle that sells the steak and not the cow. Put some sizzle in your wires and watch them steal the show.

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Make Every Telegram a Real

SIZZLEGRAM

5 BE NATURAL

(Wheelerule 5) Don't cultivate a false.face personality when you start to dictate or write telegrams. Be yourself. IF, BEFORE DICTATING OR WRITING A WIRE, YOU

must cough and sound dignified and pompous, because you feel wires demand that, then you are fizzling. Your wires will reflect your dignity and pom­ posity, and so will the person who receives them. Keep "pomp and circumstance" in its place! "CANNOT USE YOUR PLAY. TRY US AGAIN," will win more friends for the producer than a wire reading, "SORRY. MUST REJECT PLAY." The first wire is what you would say to the person if you faced him, because you would want to be natural with him. The second wire is the kind people write who feel that wires demand dignified words. 15

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BE NATURAL

The rule is simple: Write telegrams with the same good nature, the same friendliness with which you would write a letter. Wires should "breathe" and "live." DON'T MAKE WIRES STILTED

I am told about the telephone conversations at the main casting offices of Hollywood. When the h opeful actor or actress called up, the casting director would say, "Nothing today!" Discouraged, the caller often left Hollywood, and there were cases of suicide. Today the director says, "Call us tomorrow!" The first was cold and blunt; it unintentional!y hurt many callers and discouraged others. Both Hollywood and the profession suffered. The second way, telling the actor to call again because there was nothing that day, gave encour­ agement. "Perhaps tomorrow," was the thought of the one who called. Hope was renewed.

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The point is to make your wires natural. Don't think, because a boy will personally deliver your message and because it will receive prompt atten­ tion, that you must make it "military-sounding." Stilted wires are read in a stilted manner. Ideas that reach the minds of readers with difficulty get a bad reaction. If you want fast action from your wires, let them be natural-sounding, so the receiver won't wrinkle his brow trying to figure your too concise wue. Natural, flowing wires feed their thoughts quickly into the mind of the receiver, and get him on your side quickly. Don't handicap a wire with too long words, too stilted ones, or those that have dubious meanings. You've heard the story many times of the red­ headed boy who, applying for a job, saw a big line ahead of him. He rushed into the nearest telegraph office and sent the interviewer this wire: "BEFORE YOU HIRE ANYONE, WAIT FOR THE RED HEADED BOY AT THE END OF THE LINE."

Simple language, natural, just what the fellow would say if he phoned or had written a letter, and that's the .fifth and .final point in writing a sure-fire telegram that "clicks."

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BE NATURAL

The rule is this: Save your false�faces for Halloween; in writing a wire, be yourself.

You Can't Make Love to a Scarecrow

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-NOW SEE HOW THESE FIVE WHEELER­ POINTS CAN WORK FOR YOU.

6 IF YOU WERE TO SEND A TELEGRAM TO AN ESKIMO Often the most facetious yam carries a real moral behind it. 1 believe this story does. IT CONCERNS A MAN WHO WANTED TO BE FUNNY.

He went into the nearest telegraph office and said: "I'd like to send a telegram to an Eskimo." He smiled, and settled back to hear what the telegraph girl would say. Not to be outdone, she asked: "Do you want to send it to an Eskimo at the North Pole or to an Eskimo at the South Pole?" The man lost his balance. He looked a little sheepish and said, "Well, I just wanted to be the .first to send an Eskimo a wire. What's the differ­ ence whether I send a greeting wire to an Eskimo at the North Pole or one at the South Pole?" "Oh," ohed the cute young girl, "you see, greet­ ing wires to the Eskimos at the North Pole are sent just, 19

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A TELEGRAM TO AH ESKIMO GLUB, GLUB, GLUB."

The man thought for a moment, then figuring he had the young lady stuck, said, "Yes, but what would you say to an Eskimo at the South Pole?" "You would send this wire," said the young lady, "GLUB, GLUB, GLUB - YOU ALL,"

The wisecracking man left the telegraph office, and you say, "Cute story-but what's the point?" It is this: Be Intelligent in Your Wires. HOW TO SEND INTELLIGENT WIRES

To be intelligent in wires, first take advantage of all the words allowed. If a fast wire, take the full IO words, or more. If an overnight telegram, take the.full '2� words or IU.Q.� I got this wire the other day regarding a speak­ ing engagement: OKAY

6TH $250 6

P. M.

How much better to have said: OKAY FOR YOUR TALK NOVEMBER

$250.

J

TALK AT

6

6

FOR

P. M.

This sounds natural and human. If you wanted to cut this down to IO words, that's easy. Leave out the "for your" and the second "at."

A TELEGRAM TO AN ESKIMO

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Here's another bewildering wire: SEND FOLLOWING COD.

(I) TRESSLER, ENG­

LISH IN ACTION, COURSE I

-3 COPIES: AC­ 3 COPIES; (2)

COMPANYING WORK BOOKS,

TRESSLER, ENGLISH IN ACTION, COURSE II, I COPY. SMITH GRAMMAR DIV. HOUSTON

It took two girls to figure whether to send one copy or three, and which books were desired. Be more specific-less the mechanical man when sending wires. Too many people feel a telegram requires ultra­ concentration, to a point where the wires sound stilted and often unintelligible. The moral from this and the Glub, Glub tele­ gram to the Eskimo could be: Sound like a human being in your wires, not like a Robot Mechanical Man.

Human-Sounding Telegrams Get Fastest Action

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7 THE STORY OF THE CAPTAIN AND HIS FIRST MATE Not a true story, but then again, it co11/d be true-don't you think? THE FIRST MATE WAS LOOKING OVER THE SHIP'S LOG

when he came upon the notation: "First mate drunk today." The first mate was troubled. He appealed to the captain, who held his ground. The next day the captain was taken ill. He asked the first mate to make up the day's log, which the mate did, ending with: "Captain was sober today." What I am still trying to do in these few pages is to convince you over and over again of the value of weighing your words. For, once the wire is on its way, it can't be recalled. It is then too late.

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THE CAPTAIN AND HIS FIRST MATE

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THINK FIRST-NOT LAST

It will pay you, therefore, to weigh your words, for it is all in what you say. Words that attract attention to your education, words that attract attention to themselves, words that sound different from the way you would sound, are to be avoided. Use only words that highlight your ideas, not your education or "word ability." The simpler the word, the quicker the idea gets across to the readers. Don't throw a blanket of BIC WORDS over a telegram I Large words dominate telegrams I It is your idea, not your word choice, that should dominate the telegram. Avoid new words, or words with new meanings. Recently the word "asylum" was used for that which you would give refugees from the war. The word is correctly used, but to me and thou­ sands of others the word "asylum" still stands for an "insane asylum." Am I wrong? Other words with modern new meanings should be avoided in wires, which are short and don't have space for interpretation. You should never have to "interpret" a mean­ ing in a telegram, and yet that is the worst mis­ take we make-the other person must look at our

,;

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THE CAPTAIN AND HIS FIRST MATE

choice of words in a long or short message, and must decide what we mean. Make wires so clear that interpretation is un­ necessary. The point is: Use only simple words that highlight your ideas, not your education or your "word ability."

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Large Words

DOMINATE

Telegraphic Ideas

8 "THERE'S ALWAYS A MR. SMITH IN THE HOUSE" So spell out full first names and give middle initials where possible to insure prompt de­ livery. THEY TELL ME ABOUT THAT MUSICAL SHOW WHERE

one of the actors, disguised as an usher, keeps walking up and down the aisle saying: "Mr. Smith. Is there a Mr. Smith in the house?" This goes on for many minutes, when suddenly a man stands up in the audience and says, very meekly, "I'm Mr. Smith." At this the fake usher tears his hair, stamps on the floor, and screams: "There's ALWAYS a Mr. Smith in the house!" He storms off and the audience enjoys a hearty laugh, realizing that there are millions of Smiths, Joneses, Browns, and Whites, to mention a few. So take a tip from musical comedy: Remember there is always a Mr. Smith on almost every street! So IDENTIFY your Mr. Smith efficiently. 25

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"THERE'S ALWAYS A MR. SMITH" SOME WAYS TO IDENTIFY PEOPLE

The simplest way, of course, is to spell out their full names rather than use initials. Don't write "S. J. Smith." You look in the phone book and find: S. J. Smith S. John Smith Stewart Joseph Smith Sylvan J. Smith

And a hundred other variations-and, to your amazement, you find two S. J. Smiths on the same street, and in many Believe-It-Or-Not Cases you find two S. J. Smiths in the SAME office build­ ing or apartment house. So, IDENTIFY your Mr. Smith by spelling out his entire name. The second step, then, is to put on the full ad­ dress. Don't write: S. J. Smith Burke Building New York City Instead, say: Sylvan John Smith Suite 500 Burke Building u3 West Street New York City

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Indeed, a telegram is easy to send-easy to gum up and get lost, or easy to make reach the destina­ tion promptly. Many people go so far as to write a man as: S. J. Smith, Oklahoma City, trusting to the in­ genuity of the telegraph office. The third step in making sure a wire gets quick­ est delivery is to spell the name of the person and his address correctly. You often find a Mr. S. J. Smith, Peach Street, and a Mr. S. J. Smyth, Perch Street. Not much difference, perhaps, except many minutes' delay if you twist Smyth with Smith and Peach with Perch. So, in writing efficient telegrams, remember one more axiom: Sending a telegram is easy; it is easy to lose, or easy to have delivered. So spell out the full name and full address, and spell them CORRECTLY.

Life Is Only as Difficult as You Make It

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9 DON'T USE M EL-T WORDS IN TELEGRAMS -BE MODERN ---Make your wires as modern and as interest­ in g as whatever you are selling. THIS IS A VARIATION OF THE "WIFFLE" TELEGRAM.

It is about a young thing who trotted blithely into a telegraph office and sent a telegram to her boy friend with just the one word, "YEs." The alert telegraph clerk, with the usual desire to be efficient and helpful, said: "You are entitled to 10 words on a fast wire. You may, if you wish, put down 9 more yesses." The cute thing said cutely, "Oh, but if I do that he'll think I'm overly anxious!" I think that, like the "wiffie drunk," she had something there. At least she didn't wire, "RE­

TEL YOURS IOTH ULTIMO ANSWER IS YES."

Too many people boil the starch out of a human-sounding wire by trying to be businesslike, and too often with old-fashioned methods.

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DON'T USE MODEL-T WORDS

The modern wire requires V8 Streamlining, and no Model-T words. Therefore don't be an "ultimo" user, or an "inst" inserter. You don't have to say, "RETEL YOURS OF THE EIGHTH." It takes up a lot of needless words, in the .first place, and in the second place sounds old­ fashioned. People often judge your business by the "sound" of your telegram. AND DON'T USE "WOULD SAY"

"Regarding your order would say ...." This is needless waste of words, and no telegraph office appreciates waste in words. Say, "BOOKS ARE ON THEIR WAY. SHOULD ARRIVE MONDAY."

Put a "thank you" on the wire, too, if you want to be human. Too often business heads feel they sound more businesslike when they sound stilted. That idea is all wrong. Warm telegrams warm cold prospects. Instead of making you sound businesslike, wires .filled with "would says" and "yours of roth" really brand you as old fashioned. You wouldn't drive a Model-T Ford today, as

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DON'T USE MODEL-T WORDS

good as they were in the old days, so why use words you used in the Model-T days? Don't be fancy. Don't attract attention to your vocabulary instead of your ideas-but do modern­ ize your wires. Bring them up to date, in keeping with whatever you are selling the public. "Thank you" may cost you as much as 6 cents, but it will warm up many a telegram and get many a repeat order. The rule to put into practice is: Spend 6 cents to warm up cold telegrams -if repeat business is worth 6 cents-and it usually is.

Modern Business Requires Modem Vocabularies

10 THE MORAL BEHIND THE "WIFFLE" TELE­ GRAM There's an art to writing a telegram, and you who master it save many dollars. THE MAN, SLIGHTI.Y INEBRIATED, STEPPED OR RATHER

moved up to the telegraph counter in a large hotel. "I want to send my wife a wire," said he, and received paper and a pencil (tactfully tied on a beaded chain). He pushed his hat back, leaned on the counter, wet the pencil, and began to think. On his left coat lapel was a badge. A large one. You know, the kind you wear at conventions. The man was on the third day of the conven­ tion, and feeling a little guilty, I guess. He wanted to wire his wife something-but clever. His mind didn't work so well. Smoke and high­ balls no doubt slowed up his thinking, but he struggled on and on. Many yellow pages were torn up and crumpled 31

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32

THE "WIFFLE" TELEGRAM

on the telegraph counter before he got a sudden idea. You could see the idea come across his face. It lighted it up. It straightened his body. It put a twinkle into his eyes, and this is what the telegram read when he handed it to the young lady: MRS. JOHN JONES 1313 DWITE DRIVE WACO, TEXAS WIFFL:E, WIFFLE, WIFFLE, WIFFLE, WIFFLE, WIFFLE, WIFFLE, WIFFLE, WIFFLE. YOUR HUSBAND.

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Part of the little lady's training was to accept such unusual telegrams without registering the slightest emotion on her face. She merely accepted the telegram and began counting the words. There were exactly 9 words. Nine "wiffles." She counted them again. Still nine. She looked up. The man was holding on nicely to the coun­ ter. He had a self-satisfied smile on his face, and Robert Benchley couldn't have portrayed a better husband putting something over on a wife. Radiating the spirit of service that had been taught her, the young lady said: "There are just nine words, sir; nine-er-wif­ fles. You can put down another word or another -er-wifHe-and at no extra cost."

THE "WIFFLE" TELEGRAM

33

Wasn't that nice of her? Real, telegraphic serv­ ice. Telling a wire-sender he could add an extra word "at no extra cost." You would have thought the man might appre­ ciate such service, wouldn't you? But he didn't. Perhaps it was the smoke of the convention. It may have been the stuff that is consumed at those conventions, foods and drinks, you know. Then again it may have been, well, what does it matter? The point is the man straightened his hat, pushed his convention badge forward on his chest, and with greatest of dignity said: "Don't you think another wiffie would sound sort of silly?" The man, however inebriate, had something there, don't you think? Anyhow, the point is: There is more to writing a telegram than meets the eye.

Make Your Wires Sizzle-Not Fizzle

11 HOW TO COLLECT OVERDUE ACCOUNTS WITH "TESTED TELEGRAMS" Telegrams are legal everywhere. Here are 19 effective wires to hiing home the bacon faster.

y

OU HAVE MUCH TO GAIN AND NOTHING TO RISK IN

making a test yourself to show you how effective the right telegram can be in making faster col­ lections. Delinquents heed telegrams for three reasons: Reason One: The telegram commands atten­ tion. Reason Two: The telegram is short and to the point. Reason Three: The telegram urges action.

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The attention value of the telegram is a� good as a personal call. People read the wire before they read any other mail. The telegram wastes no words-and gets right down to the facts, which stirs up the delinquent. 34

OVERDUE ACCOUNTS

35

Like the fire alarm and the taxi horn, the tele­ gram gets action out of people who often take things too easy. The delinquent receives a telegraphic jolt that starts money Bowing your way, so try the wire method of collecting money. When you consider the money it brings you, its cost is smaller than the value of the time it takes to write a letter and the cost of stationery and stamps. It brings money FASTER and MORE OFTEN.

..:::::::.

Using the Five Wheelerpoints, build yourselves some "Tested Collection Telegrams." Test them out. Send one to several delinquents. Note re­ sults. Then send another. Soon you will know which type of telegram your money-owers respond to most quickly. Just to pump your mind, I'm passing on a col­ lection of telegrams that have brought home the bacon for many business houses. You might be able to use several of these. They might stimubte your mind, as water primes the pump, to set up a flow of better telegrams.

36

OVERDUE ACCOUNTS

At any rate, here are some good collection tele­ grams for you:

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TESTED COLLECTION TELEGRAMS

YOUR PROMPT REMI'ITANCE WILL ASSIST US

(

GREATLY. PLEASE FORWARD TODAY.

REMITIANCE FOR OUR INVOICE OF (DATE)

\.....wn_L BE APPRECIATED. YOUR ACCOUNT OVERDUE. WILL APPRECIATE REMIITANCE. YOU

HAVE

PROBABLY

STANDING ACCOUNT. REMITIANCE.

OVERLOOKED

OUT­

KINDLY FAVOR WITH

HAVE BEEN VERY PATIENT.

WON'T YOU

KINDLY RE1'1IT? URGENT. CLOSING BOOKS FOR AUDIT,

PLEASE OBLIGE

WITH REMITTANCE. TODAY LAST DAY TO TAKE ADVANTAGE Of CASH DISCOUNT. WHEN MAY WE DEPEND ON REMITTANCE ASKED FOR? SECOND REMINDER. PLEASE MAIL CHECK IMMEDIATELY FOR PAST DUE ACCOUNT. THANK YOU. VERY IMPORTANT REMITTANCE REACH US BY (DATE). ASK YOUR CO-OPERATION. WILL DRAW ON YOU (DAY) UNLESS WE RE·

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CEIVE REMI'ITANCE IMMEDIATELY.

37

OVERDUE ACCOUNTS MUST TAKE SHARP ACTION IF REMITTANCE NOT RECEIVED AT ONCE. NECESSARY PAY PART ACCOUNT.

FURTHER

DELAY IMPOSSIBLE. TELEGRAPH AMOUNT TO­ DAY. ATTENTION PAST DUE ACCOUNT IMPERATIVE. DISLIKE TO TAKE FURTHER ACTION. LAST CHANCE MAKE GOOD.

WIRE REMIT­

TANCE TODAY. CONDITION YOUR ACCOUNT NOT CONDUCIVE TOWARD GMNG FAVORABLE CREDIT REFER­ ENCE. S.O.S. ! SHERIFF JUST ONE STEP BEHIND US. ( RUSH PAYMENT ON ACCOUNT• ......_ AFTER ALL, OLD FRIENDS ARE BEST. AS FRIEND

l

TO FRIEND, HOW ABOUT A CHECK? CAN SHIP AT ONCE OUR NEW MODEL RECEIPT FORM FILLED IN, IF YOU WILL SAY AT ONCE HOW MUCH YOU WILL PAY ON ACCOUNT.

Telegrams are legal everywhere.

Telegrams Net1er Go to the "Dead Letter" Office

12 •

THERE AREN'T ANY "MOTHER-IN-LAW TELEGRAMS" BUT YOU MIGHT USE ONE OF THESE "BON VOYAGE" WIRES

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When people take a t1ip, wish them God­ speed-even dear, dear wife's Mother.

"you \ know, Mathilda, they used to fight duels for me, and now they flip coins!" But, ah, alas, when even they go on a voyage, that bon voyage telegram cheers them up, and they forget to look under the bed for a man-or do they? The point is you might forget to say good by to someone, or maybe you may miss the train; at any rate, you can save your face by rushing into the nearest telegraph office. Shout for a bon voyage telegram. Light a Murad, be nonchalant, and the day is saved. And boys, send Mother-in-law one too. Remem­ ber she is the dear, dear mother of your wife. Or do you hold that against her too? NE OLD MAID SAID TO THE OTHER OLD MAID,

38

BON VOYAGE WIRES

39

At any rate, if the excitement gets you, and you can't find a single thought, here are a few "Tested Telegrams" that will tickle the person who re­ ceives them. BON VOYAGE AND THE HAPPIEST JOURNEY TO YOU. A GOOD JOURNEY, LOTS OF LUCK, AND DON'T FORGET WE'LL BE THINKING OF YOU EVERY MILE OF THE WAY. BEST WISHES FOR A PLEASANT TRIP.

MY

THOUGHTS WILL BE JOURNEYING WITH YOU EVERY MILE OF THE WAY. MAY EACH WHITE-CAPPED CREST ON THE OCEAN'S BLUE BEAR OUT MY WISH-HAPPY VOYAGE TO YOU. HAPPY HORIZONS AND A SAFE RETURN FROM A GLORIOUS VOYAGE. BON VOYAGE. HERE'S HOPING THAT HAPPI· NESS AND GOOD HEALTH WILL ACCOMPANY YOU. SINCERE GOOD WISHES FOR A SAFE AND HAPPY CROSS1NG. MAY GOOD LUCK AND SUCCESS BE YOUR SHIPMATES. BEST WISHES FOR A PLEASANT TRIP AND A HAPPY LANDING. GOODBYE, GOOD LUCK, GOOD RIDDANCE TO ALL CARES AND A GOOD WARM WELCOME WHEN YOU COME HOME AGAIN.

40

BON VOYAGE WIRES WISHING YOU A SAFE AND HAPPY TRIP AND LOADS OF JOY UNTIL WE MEET AGAIN. GODSPEED, A HAPPY JOURNEY AND A SAFE RETURN TO YOUR FRIENDS. MAY YOUR VOYAGE BE PACKED WITH THRILLS AND GOOD LUCK. GOOD WEATHER, GOOD TIMES, GOOD FRIENDS AND GOOD FORTUNE-THAT'S MY WISH FOR YOU ON YOUR JOURNEY! BON VOY ACE. PLEASANT TIME AND SAFE RE­ TURN. LOVE AND ALL GOOD WISHES FOR A SAFE AND DELIGHTFUL VOYAGE. A GREETING FROM FAR AWAY. MAY YOUR TRIP BE A HAPPY AND PLEASANT ONE.

I The Right Words Make Even Mothers-in-law Smile

13 WHEN YOU FEEL THE URGE TO CONGRATU­ LATE SOMEBODY FOR SOMETHING OR OTHER When Pop talks at the Rotary Club, or Abe opens a pawnshop, send them one of these Planned Congratulation Wires. THIS IS AN OLD GAG, BUT ITS AGE MAKES IT A "TESTED

Joke," one tested to go over. It seems Schultz opened a fish market and put a sign in his window that read: FRESH F1sH Sow

HERE TODAY.

One telegraph boy walked by and realizing brevity is important said, "Mr. Schultz, you can omit the word 'today' since if the fish are fresh they are today's fish." Good suggestion. Schultz made the sign read: FRESH F1sH Sow HERE, and then the second tele­ graph boy asked, "Where else would they be sold but 'here'?" So off came the word "here." The third telegraph boy smiled and said, "Mr. Schultz, you can shorten that sign even more be- / 41

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42

THE URGE TO CONGRATULATE

cause naturally the .fish are for sale." So off came the word "sold." The fourth telegraph boy scratched his head, then said, "You only sell fresh .fish, so why not.... " So off came the word "fresh." And then Schultz, snapping his fingers, wink­ ing his eye, said to himself he'd out-smart even the telegraph boys, and so he rubbed off the word, the last word, "fish," saying to himself, "They know this is a fish market. They can smell me a block away." Wires to be good must be brief, but not so brief that the meaning is lost. When you send some­ body a congratulation telegram, go over the list below. Fit the wire to the occasion. They are just the right length to make somebody smile with joy. CONGRATULATION TELEGRAMS

On Engagement DELIGHTED TO HEAR THE GOOD NEWS AND WISH YOU GREAT HAPPINESS.

43

THE URGE TO CONGRATULATE CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR ENGAGEMENT, THIS BEARS OUR BEST WISHES. CONGRATULATIONS TO BOTH ON THE UNANI­ MOUS CHOICE. YOU ARE AMONG THE LUCKY ONES. CHEER UP. THE WORST IS YET TO COME. THE GOOD NEWS MAKES US VERY HAPPY. HEARTIEST CONGRATULATIONS TO BOTH.

t�?° LUCKY, L!l,C�BIRD.

ALL 01:l.R C.,9NGRAT­ ULATIONS AND BEST WISHES. AND THEY SAY

s'i'.rn IS

AS GOOD AS SHE�AUTIFUL.

On Promotion CONGRATULATIONS.

I KNEW YOU WOULD

WORK HARD AND WIN THAT PROMOTION. CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR PROMOTION. I KNOW YOU EARNED IT AND I AM HAPPY TO HEAR OF YOUR SUCCESS. HARD WORK ALWAYS TELLS.

YOUR WELL­

EARNED PROMOTION IS ANOTHER STEP TO­ WARD FUTURE SUCCESS.

To Winners YOUR BRILLIANT WORK PLAYED AN IMPOR­ TANT PART IN WINNING THE GAME. CON­ GRATULATIONS.

WE ARE SOLIDLY BEHIND

YOU, THREE CHEERS FOR OUR TEAM. WITH YOUR FIGHTING SPIRIT NOTHING CAN STOP YOU. KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK.

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THE URGE TO CONGRATULATE CONGRATULATIONS TO EVERY MEMBER OF THE TEAM ON YOUR SPLENDID VICTORY, WE ARE PROUD OF YOU. WE HAVE THE GREATEST TEAM THERE IS, YOU PUT UP A GREAT BATTLE, AND WE ARE BACKING YOU TO THE LIMIT. YOU ARE ALWAYS A TOWER OF STRENGTH ON OUR TEAM BUT YOU WERE BETTER THAN EVER TODAY. GREAT WORK.

Success of Artist ENJOYED YOUR PERFORMANCE SO MUCH. IT WAS SPLENDID. CONGRATULATIONS. YOU WILL GO A LONG WAY AND YOUR PER­ FORMANCE TONIGHT ATTESTS IT. YOUR PERFORMANCE WAS A MEMORABLE EVENT. I SHALL NEVER FORGET IT. THE PLAy'S THE THING. IT IS A GLORIOUS ACCOMPLISHMENT OF WHICH YOU MAY WELL BE PROUD. CONGRATULATIONS ON ANOTHER FINE PIECE OF WORK. THE CRITICS WILL RAVE. IT IS ANOTHER SMASH HIT AND ANOTHER TRIBUTE TO YOUR GREAT TALENT. TONIGHT IS A BIG NIGHT FOR ALL YOUR SUP­ PORTERS. WE PREDICT YOUR SUCCESS IN FULL MEASURE.

On Opening New Store CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NEW STORE.

ON THE

OPENING

OF

45

THE URGE TO CONGRATULATE YOUR NEW STORE IS AN ADDED CONVENIENCE AND THE NEIGHBORHOOD APPRECIATES AND WELCOMES IT. AS FELLOW MERCHANTS WE WELCOME YOU. YOUR NEW STORE ADDS ANOTHER BRIGHT SPOT. BEST WISHES.

On Making Speech YOUR SPEECH WAS SPLENDID.

IT HIT THE

NAIL RIGHT ON THE HEAD, CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR FINE TALK. IT WAS A MASTERLY PRESENTATION OF THE FACTS. YOUR

RADIO

TALK

WAS

SPLENDID

AND

BROUGHT THE FACTS HOME TO YOUR LARGE AUDIENCE.

CONGRATULATIONS.

YOUR ELOQUENT ADDRESS GAINED MANY EN­ THUSIASTIC SUPPORTERS. CONGRATULATIONS. DID YOU HEAR US CHEERING? THAT IS HOW WE FEEL ABOUT YOUR SPLENDID SPEECH. CONGRATULATIONS.

YOUR

SPEECH

WAS

SPLENDID AND IT WENT OVER BIG WITH PEO­ PLE HERE,

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THE URGE TO CONGRATULATE CONGRATULATIONS.

IT WAS A MARVELOUS

SPEECH. WHAT YOU HAVE DONE WILL HELP THE CAUSE. YOUR SPEECH WAS A WONDER. CONGRATU­ LATIONS. YOUR SPEECH WAS INSPIRATIONAL.

IT HAS

GIVEN US A FINE STIMULUS. CONGRATULA­

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TIONS AND THANKS.

There's Nothing Like a "Telegraphic Pat on the Back"

14 "STORK TELEGRAMS" THAT MAKE EVEN THE UOJ.K..SJ'JCJ L O_UT LU-.Q;I.EST..._ When Pop begins to pass out the cigars-or just passes out-send the old bird a Stork Telegram.

MA'RY WAS.DARNED GOOD LOOKING, AND HAD SOME

money besides; so naturally she had the pick of her town. There was Joe, the banker's son; Will, the young lawyer; and Jim, who would soon inherit his father's big department store business; and many others, among whom was just plain old Bill. Nothing wrong with Bill. He was just homely as Lincoln and poor as Old Mother Hubbard, yet, believe it or not, HE of all won the hand of the fair Mary. Now the other lads were disturbed, as you and I would be, to see a homely cuss with no money take away the town's belle, so they asked her how come. 47

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48

STORK TELEGRAMS

"Well," welled Mary, looking at them, one and each, as they held their breath, wondering what the magic was that Bill had and they didn't. "Well," she went on, "you see, Bill was the only one of you who asked me to marry him! So he got the order!" Isn't that so? If you want the order, ask for it. Heck, this is a chapter on stork telegrams, but I guess it applies. If you want the lovely lady's hand in marriage, ask her, and if you are afraid, WIRE HER.

Anyhow, when the stork gets around to things, and Pop begins to pass out the cigars, winner or loser, be sure to run into the nearest telegraph office and snatch a handful of Planned Stork wires and send one. Here are some suggestions for nervous guys and gals. CONGRATULATIONS TO BOTH OF YOU AND HAPPINESS AND HEAL TH TO THE NEW AR­ RIVAL. BEST WISHES TO THE NEW ARRIVAL AND ITS PROUD PARENTS. WELCOME, LONG LIFE AND HAPPINESS TO THE NEW ARRIVAL. THRILLED AND HAPPY TO HEAR THE GOOD NEWS,

MAY THE NEW ADDITION PROVE A

SOURCE OF JOY TO YOU ALWAYS.

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STORK TELEGRAMS HAPPY TO HEAR THE GOOD NEWS.

49 GOOD

HEALTH AND GOOD FORTUNE FOR THE NEW MEMBER OF YOUR FAMILY. HEARTIEST CONGRATULATIONS AND LOVE TO MOTHER AND SON. HEARTIEST CONGRATULATIONS AND LOVE TO MOTHER AND DAUGHTER. DELIGHTED TO HEAR THE NEWS. LOVE AND CONGRATULATIONS. WE ARE HAPPY IN YOUR HAPPINESS, LOVE AND BEST WISHES TO MOTHER AND THE BABY. CONGRATULATIONS AND A WARM WELCOME TO THE NEW ARRIVAL.

When the Stork Comes Send a "Winchell Wire"

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15 SIZZLEGRAMS THAT PUT PEP INTO PALE PEOPLE Pink Pills for Pale People never did a better tonic job tlian Pep Messag es.

Gooo OLD ALMA MATER! IT's THE LAST HALF, THE team is on edge, the score is tie. . . . Then up comes Frank Merriwell with a Pep Message from the folks at home. Victory is in sight now. For good old Yale, good old folks at home, good old-just good old, that's all. When you have only a quarter to spend, yet want son, friend, or the entire team to know you are at the loud speaker squeezing for them, send them a Planned Pep Message. It will do wonders. It will give them confidence to know you are behind them, win or lose. If you are so excited you can't think up your own Pep Messages, then give these a gander, and maybe one'll fit the gala occasion.

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PEP MESSAGES PEP MESSAGES WIN OR LOSE, WE ARE WITH YOU. WE KNOW YOU CAN WIN THAT CAME. DON'T FAIL US. MOW THEM DOWN FELLERS-WE'RE ALL WITH YOU. GET IN THERE AND GIVE THEM THE WORKS. WE'RE ALL BEHIND YOU. WE KNOW YOU WILL DO YOUR BEST AND THAT IS ALL WE CAN ASK. WE'RE BETTING ON YOU. WIN OR LOSE WE'LL SEE YOU THROUGH. HERE'S FOR THAT SMASHING FINISH WHEN YOU TURN ON THE HEAT. BEST WISHES TO A REAL FIGHTING TEAM AND A GRAND VICTORY. WISH WE COULD BE THERE TO SEE YOU WIN. GOOD LUCK. WE ARE ALL BEHIND YOU TODAY. GET OUT AND WIN.

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POUR IT ON 'EM, BOYS. LET'S SEE YOU GO.

"Pep" Spelled Backwards or Forwards Is Still "Pep" THEGRAM& FROM THE FOlKS &ACK HOME, FELlAS--THEV'RE AlL PUlLING FOR US! NOW lE '5 GET OUT THERE ANO TEAR 'EM APART!

16 TELEGRAMS FOR WEDDINGS BUT NOT FOR DIVORCES-YET! "Happy divorce" wouldn't sound so good any­ way. Might better say, "Anticipating your next wedding." SHE WASN'T

so PRETTY, BUT SHE DID HAVE PERSON· ality, and one day she up and married a very fine man, rather a good catch for one not so good looking. They asked her what her secret was, and she said, "Just two words I use when he calls; and two words I use when he leaves." Sounds rather "telegraphic," doesn't it? Most people became curious to know what the words were, and when they asked her she said: "When he rings the bell I rush, not walk, to the door and fling it open saying, '4!..lqsrt'" Just two words, but I bet it did make the boy feel mighty welcome. Too many young ladies keep the boy waiting, then holler down stairs, 52

TELEGRAMS FOR WEDDINGS

53

''I'm not ready. It'll take me ten minutes. You're early, aren't you?" So two words welcomed him nicely. "And," says the young lady, when he gets ready to leave I sigh and say,::.,so soon?" Ah, sweet mystery of lokt And then comes the wedding and wedding tele­ grams, still telegraphically sweet, still quite social, still most Emily Post, and here are some examples to excite your imagination.

•

WEDDING GREETINGS

BEST WISHES FOR A LONG AND HAPPY LIFE

TOGETHER.

BEST WISHES TO THE NEWLYWEDS, SMILES, CHEER, AND SUNSHINE GALORE.

� BEST WISHES TO YOU. MAY IT ALWAYS UE FAIR- WEATHER AND CLEAR SAILING.

CONGRATULATIONS AND BEST WISHES.

A

LONG LIFE AND HAPPY ONE TO YOU BOTH.

SINCERE AND HEARTY CONGRATULATIONS­ LONG LIFE AND HAPPINESS.

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TELEGRAMS FOR WEDDINGS MAY YOUR VOYAGE ON THE SEA OF MATRI­ MONY BE BLESSED BY FAIR WEATHER AND HAPPINESS ALWAYS. WE ALL JOIN IN HEARTY CONGRATULATIONS AND BEST WISHES. HEARTIEST

CONGRATULATIONS.

MAY

ALL

YOUR DAYS BE AS HAPPY AS THIS ONE.

I

CONGRATULATIONS AND EVERY GOOD WISH FOR YOUR HAPPINESS.

The Right Words Ring Wedding Bells

17 "GEE WHIZ, MOM, POP SENT ME A TELE­ GRAM-LOOK-FOR ME ALL BY MYSELF!" Yep, there are Kiddiegrams now, all ready­ made to send to sans and daughters-and are they 'flattered!

G

IVING THE KID A PARTY? THEN SEND HIM, AND

his friends, a Kiddi'.egram. A special wire on spe­ cial stationery, too, all for the kids. It flatters their ego. They feel so grownup. For twenty-five cents you'll make a bigger and a faster impression on the child than often a new suit of clothes or a dress will make on them. Remember the first telegram you received ? Boy, I bet you carried it around for weeks, show­ ing it to friends in a sort of "casual" way. Get the Kiddiegram habit! Make the kids feel swell by remembering them with a small, two-bit telegram, the price of a cou­ ple of cigars only. When the telegraph boy raps at the door and SS

"POP SENT ME A TELEGRAM"

56

the kid gets the wire, you'll get $50 worth of 12.raise, adoration, and love. To show you what you can send in the way of telegrams just for children, here is a good selec­ tion for you. You know you can always make up your own wire, too, for 10¢ extra.

TYPES OF KIDDIEGRAMS

For Birthdays FORTY-ELEVEN BffiTHDAY WISHES BUT THEY, ARE JUST A FEW OF THE MANY GOOD ONES I AM ALWAYS WISHING YOU. GRATULATIONS! I COULD NOT WAIT; IF l C" @ D WRIITEN, I WOULD HAVE BEEN TOO

E.

A HAPPY DAY I WISH FOR YOU, MAY ALL YOUR BIRTHDAY DREAMS COME TRUE. MAY YOUR NEXT YEAR BE AS BRIGHT AS YOUR BIRTHDAY CANDLES' LIGHT. BLOW OUT THE CANDLES, CUT A PIECE OF CAKE, WISH I COULD BE WITH YOU, HELPING CELEBRATE!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

S1

"POP SENT ME A TELEGRAM" HAPPY BIRTHDAY AND A GREAT BIG KISS BY WESTERN UNION, JUST LIKE THIS! X. RE IS A BIG X AND A BIG ROUND O, A KISS A HUG FOR ONE I LOVE SO! HAPPY HDAY! THIS KIDDIEGRAM WILL BRING TO YOU MY LOVE AND BIRTHDAY GREETINGS, TOO.

For Promotions CONGRATULATIONS! I THINK IT IS FINE THAT YOU HAVE BEEN PROMOTED ANOTHER TIME. YOU HAVE BEEN PROMOTED, THAT IS GOOD TO HEAR.

KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK AN­

OTHER YEAR. WE WERE HAPPY AND PROUD TO HEAR OF YOUR PROMOTION. SO YOU ARE PROMOTED! SAY, THAT IS FINE. YOU SURELY PLEASED US ALL THIS TIME! YOU HAVE MADE THE HONOR ROLL AND IT MAK.ES US AWFULLY GLAD.

AND SO, CON­

GRATULATIONS FROM YOUR LOVING

In Praise of Good Behavior I AM HAPPY BECAUSE YOU ARE GOOD AND BEHAVE JUST AS YOU SHOULD. I WOULD LIKE TO KISS YOU IF I COULD BE­ CAUSE YOU HAVE BEEN SO VERY GOOD. I AM GLAD TO KNOW YOU ARE SO GOOD, BY TRYING HARD I KNEW YOU COULD.

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58

"POP SENT ME A TELEGRAM" YOUR GOOD CONDUCT REPORT MAKES US ALL VERY PROUD OF YOU. YOU SHOULD SEE THE BIG CRIN I WEAR BE­ CAUSE YOU HAVE BEEN SO GOOD.

Admonitions to Behave MAKE MOTHER AND DAD HAPPY BY BEING A GOOD LITTLE BOY. BRUSH YOUR

TEETH, COMB YOUR

HAIR,

HURRY TO BED, SAY YOUR PRAYER, AND BE­ FORE YOU KNOW IT I WILL BE THERE. WHEN YOU ARE NAUGHTY AND SCOLDED YOU ALWAYS FEEL SAD; BE GOOD, SWEET, AND MAKE US ALL GLAD.

Cheer-up Messages I AM SENDING THIS WIRE INSTEAD OF A LET­ TER, TO TELL YOU TO HURRY UP, GET BETTER. THIS IS THE FASTER KIND OF A LETTER TELL­ ING YOU QUICKLY, PLEASE CET BETTER. PLEASE GET WELL, PLEASE BE VERY QUICK, BECAUSE IT IS NO FUN WHEN YOU ARE SICK. PLEASE GET V\TELL AND COME OVER TO MY HOUSE AND PLAY. HURRY UP, NOW, GET WELL SOON SO YOU CAN DROP THAT BOTTLE, THROW AWAY THAT SPOON. SO YOU ARE GETTING BETTER-THAT IS JUST SIMPLY GREAT-WHEN YOU ARE WELL AGAIN

I

-WON'T WE CELEBRATE.

18 VARIOUS WAYS, NEW AND OLD, TO SEND A TELEGRAM Any one of these ways gets there first, and is t'ead first before letters. MosT OF you KNOW THE VAR1ous WAYS To SEND

a telegram, but just as a reminder, here they are again: Fast Day Telegrams: These go FASTEST of all to the receiver. You get IO words for the price of .._ . the wire. Day Letters; These go fast, too, but not so fast as a fast day telegram. However, it gets to mos� places within an hour, and you get� for the price of the wire. It is an econoinical way to send wires during the day. Overnight Telegrams: These are delivered the first thing the following morning. They are the cheapest of all wires. You get 35 words today for the minimum price, withaslmtH-extra 59

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60

WAYS TO SEND A TELEGRAM

charge for other words. Once you got 50 words at a higher price, but so few people used that many that the price was lowered, with 20 cents as the minimum. Extra words usually cost less than a cent each. These are the telegram types you most often use in sending wires. There are other telegrams for other purposes, which you will read about in other chapters. I just want to mention two other types of new telegrams: T ourate: This tells people about your trip, when you expect to arrive, and so on. It goes for 35 cents for the first 15 words and only 2Yz cents for each extra word. Reservations: You can wire ahead to make certain you get suitable reservations. This is only 35 cents for the first 15 words and only 2Yz cents for each extra word.

J

In both types you are allowed 15 words for the telegram. Extra words are only 2Yz cents each. You can explain about the weather, if you want, and say you are OK. You an� not allowed, how­ ever, any personal comments not directly pertain­ ing to your trip or arrival.

WAYS TO SEND A TELEGRAM

61

ADVICE ABOUT TELEGRAMS

Telegrams are accepted at any hour. Fast tele­ grams and day letters are delivered at all hours but, as I said, overnight telegrams are delivered first thing in the morning. Code language may be used in all telegrams. Code words are counted at the rate of one word for every five letters. Overnight telegrams are accepted up to 2 a.m. for morning delivery. Overnight t�legrains of 25 words cost much less than full-rate telegrams. Extra words usually cost less than a cent. rN"o charge is made for the full address of the �you are wiring, so make the address complete. Spell out the words "east," "west," and so on, but don't use suffixes such as "nd" and "st." So, write "24 East 48 Street," and not "24 E 48th St." Use figures in their normal sense. Fi�r_g,_oi:-combinations of figures and letters, are counted as one word for each five characters. Do;'tboilier toabbreviate wor3s-ilie cost is the same. Punc­ tuation mark�, as you read, are free toctay. Use them freely. If you can't furnish an address on your telegram to someone in a small town or community, many of which do not issue directories, identify your party in some other manner: for example, "Joe

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62

WAYS TO SEND A TELEGRAM

Smith, Mechanic, Blankville, Mo." Even in Blank­ ville there may be several Joe Smiths. Adding titles to signatures does not cost extra: for example, "John Brown, Manager"; nor does departmental designation, for example, "John Brown, Insurance Department." But if you use both, then the shorter one is counted extra; for example, "John Brown, Manager, Insurance De­ partment." There is one additional word in that signature. Telegrams, even though they are alike, that are addressed to two persons, cost double if each per­ son is to receive a separate telegram, or if they have different addresses. If only one copy is to be delivered, then it costs extra for the second name. "John Brown and Mary Brown" has thiee extra words. However, "John and Mary" are not counted as extra. There are many tricks of the trade but, on the whole, writing telegrams is as easy as falling off a log. Just b� natural, yourself. Write the shortest words possible and save the frills. Any telegraph boy will give you help, and you are as close to any telegraph office as your tele­ phone. Just remember one thought: Telegrams get first and immediate attention.

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Get There First by Using a Telegram

19 "1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-YOU'RE Fl RED!" The strange, pathetic case of the salesman­ ager who took the salesman at his word. THE SALESMAN WAS HAVING A TOUGH TIME, Ac­

cording to A. K. Mitchell, general salesmanager for Western Union, who vouches for this story as quite true. So, feeling his boss owed him more co-opera­ tion, the salesman walked into a telegraph office, took up a blank, and wrote: UNLESS I GET MORE COOPERATION AND BET· TER COMMISSIONS, YOU CAN COUNT ME OUT.

The wire was sent collect, too. About an hour later the answer from the sales­ manager came back, and, believe it or not, this was the telegraphic reply: 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9--ouT. Yes, sir, taking advantage of ten words, the boss 63

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"1 -2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-YOU'RE FIRED!"

counted his salesman "ouT," and I mean "out," tool THE MORAL OF THE STORY

This is the moral, that the spoken word can be made to sound soft or hard, depending on voice tone and inflection. . . . . But the written word must stand on its two cold type legs! So always think twice when angry and you feel you must "send them a wire." Send the wire, but after you've cooled off. Remember, too, once the wire has been sent on its way, even though you cool off, the wire NEVER cools off. Reading from cold type can sound mighty hard on the ear of anyone, especially when you have read an ultimatum into the wire. Play safe and don't use wires to put "someone in his place." Don't send a wire when you are angry, because the type will register anger. Oftentimes a wfre, because of your desire to cut

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"1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-YOU'RE FIRED! "

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it short to be economical, sounds too abrupt, and gets a negative reply. Dad received this wire from Son at college: MUST HAVE $25.00 TO BUY BOOKS, NEW RAIN COAT, AND TICKETS FOR THE PROM. LOVE. YOUR SON.

Dad wasn't feeling so well, and when he read the telegram out loud he stressed the words "must have," and skimmed over the need for books and hit the words "tickets for the prom" real hard. He shouted, "Any son who asks for money that way, doesn't deserve to get it." Mother picked up the same wire. She read it with softness in her voice and kindness. Dad re­ flected a moment and said, "Well, so long as he asks for it in that tone of voice, guess I can afford to send it to him." The lesson? This: Watch the "tone of voice" behind your telegrams!

The Right "Toot" Sells Many Peanuts

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20 KEN MURRAY HAS A DARNED GOOD REASON FOR USING TELEGRAM PUNCTUATION More-and even more-on why good punc­ tuation makes a telegram clearer to tlie one who receives it.

Tm;: OTHER NIGHT OVER THE RADIO KEN MURRAY, the actor, brought on one of his biggest laughs by telling his audience he had just received a tele­ gram. It was supposedly sent from a big New York critic to the producer of the new Ken Murray movie. Ken Murray coughed, cleared his throat and read the following telegram, which happened to be filled with the old-fashioned "STOP" instead of punctuation, and here is how it sounded: JUST SAW THE NEW MOVIE (STOP) CLARK GABLE GREAT (STOP) MYRNA LOY SENSA­ TIONAL (STOP) KEN MURRAY STOP.

A little comedy to be sure-a big laugh. But 66

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again from the facetious, from the humorous and witty, we gain a good business moral: Namely, Rule 3, in How To Send a Telegram: "Stop Using Stops." BUT DON'T OVER-CONDENSE

Here is another yarn, a true one, too, on the importance of not trying to save money by being a "Finger Counter" (Rule 1). There is an abbreviation for "Soon as 12ossibl�' which is SAP. Yes, you can save the cost of two words by using the expression SAP. I suppose you are way ahead of me on this yarn, but it did happen. This wire, by one of tremen­ dous Scotch instincts, was actually sent: YOUR MESSAGE.

WILL SHIP ALL ITEMS ON

YOUR ORDER, SAP.

Now of course the buyer who placed the order knew the sender wasn't calling him a "sap," yet with that word staring him in the face it brought up negative rather than positive thoughts. Why jeopardize a good, healthy order by ab­ breviations? Ask yourself, "Is the order worth a few cents more?" If so, then add that extra word. Avoid abbreviations. They are confusing, as

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TELEGRAM PUNCTUATION

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this husband found when his wife, having learned her "saving instincts" from her husband, sent him this short wire to end all short wires:

The point is:

COME HOME SAP. WI FIB �

Don't risk business with risky abbre­ viations. We've enough in such doc­ tor's degrees.

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Short Words Tell Long Ideas Except where Words Are Abbreviated

21 WHEN "ELECTED" BECAME "EJECTED" When "Pop" rvins an electio11 to something o,· other.

Tms 1s A TRUE STORY. IT APPEARED IN A NUMBER of newspapers, and we can give Walter Winchell credit for it. A New York committee woman was greeting candidates who won during the last election. It was a close election, remember? So when, in her haste, she misspelled the last word in the telegram, the winner had a momen­ tary chill. The wire, you see, arrived reading like this: WE WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT ALL OF US WORKED NIGHT AND DAY FOR YOUR WELL DESERVED EJECTION.

Again the change of just one tiny letter changed the whole meaning, from positive to negative. 69

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"ELECTED" BECAME "EJECTED" SO WATCH YOUR WORDS

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Haste makes waste. Any telegraph man will tell you he would much rather you take five min­ utes longer and get the wire straight the first time, than to have such a mistake made due to too much haste. Naturally, when such errors occur, the telegraph company gets the blame, and in 98 per cent of the cases it was your own error. It's like thinking you find a bank in error on your monthly statement. You rush down and ask how about such and so. The patient teller soon shows you he was right. Banks and telegraph offices make few mistakes. When you find a mistake, first investigate your­ self, then others in YOUR owN organization who had something, or anything, to do with the send­ ing of the telegram. If you get the "all clear" signal from them, then you can proceed to the telegraph company. The moral we might derive from this True Story of the Election Telegram is: Telegrams are speedy-but speedily written telegrams cause trouble. Hurry with care! �fakeJw,te •l!!!!!!.1_1 Here are some suggestions for "election telegrams" to stimulate you to think up some your­ self:

"ELECTED" BECAME "EJECTED"

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On Election to Office CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR ELECTION. WE WERE PULLING FOR YOU. CONGRATULATIONS. THE BEST MAN WON. CONGRATULATLONS ON YOUR ELECTION.

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KNOW YOUR ADMINISTRATION WILL BE A SUCCESS. WE ARE GLAD YOU WON AND PREDICT YOUR GREAT SUCCESS IN OFFICE. CONGRATULA­ TIONS. YOU DESERVED THE TRIBUTE AND THE IM­ PORTANT OFFICE TO WHICH YOU HAVE BEEN ELECTED.

CONGRATULATIONS.

IT HAS BEEN A ROUSING CAMPAIGN AND WE ARE PROUD OF THE WAY YOU PUT IT OVER. CONGRATULATIONS. CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR SPLENDID VIC­ TORY. IT IS A TRIBUTE TO YOUR ABILITY AND A MONUMENT TO THE PARTY.

Hurry With Care

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22 HOLIDAY TELEGRAMS THAT RING THE DOORBELLS THE WAY YOU WANT THEM RUNG Even the cake in the oven takes second place in the mind of the person who receives a holiday wire. NEXT TO SEEING SANTA CLAUS ON THE FRONT

porch, people like to see the telegraph boy with a telegram wishing good cheer. Get the telegram habit! It's the cheapest, simplest way to win yourself into the hearts of people, especially when you've forgotten a post card or a present! Christmas, New Year (Jewish included), Easter, Father's Day, Mother's Day-anybody's day-all are just swell to send a telegram and all of them out of the city go for 25 cents, too. In the city, 20 cents. FUN FOR A QUARTER!

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There are many holidays when you want to send somebody a wire. Just as a little reminder, 72

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I'm listing for you some holidays and just a few samples of good wires, so you can, in a rush, find one. CHRISTMAS AND NEW YEAR A MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR. BEST WISHES FOR A MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR. A VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS, A MOST HAPPY NEW YEAR TO EVERYBODY AT YOUR HOUSE FROM EVERYBODY HERE. ,..--;:;;v HAPPINESS, GOOD HEALTH, AND GOOD � BE YOURS IN ABUNDANCE THIS HOLI­ DAY SEASON. AN AFFECTIONATE REGARD FOR ALL AND THE SEASON'S BLESSINGS. A HEARTY WISH FOR A MERRY CHRISTMAS AND JOYOUS NEW YEAR TO YOU AND YOURS, MAY THE JOY AND HAPPINESS OF THE CHRISTMAS SEASON BE WITH YOU EVERY DAY OF THE YEAR.

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HOLIDAY TELEGRAMS GREETINGS AND BEST WISHES FOR ALL THE JOYS OF A HAPPY HOLIDAY SEASON. DADDY DEAR, WE WANT TO WISH YOU A VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY NEW YEAR. MANY THANKS FOR YOUR LOVELY GIFT. MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR, WISHING YOU THE UTMOST IN HEALTH, HAPPINESS AND PROSPERITY Dl'.Jro:NG THE YULETIDE

SEASON.

MAY

ALL

THE

DAYS

THROUGHOUT THE COMING YEAR BRING YOU FULL JOY AND HAPPINESS. MAY THE BLESSINGS OF THIS HOLY DAY RE­ MAIN WITH YOU THROUGHOUT THE COMING YEAR, HEAPS AND LOADS OF JOY AND CHEER FOR CHRISTMAS AND THE WHOLE NEW YEAR. GREETINGS AND BEST WISHES FOR A JOYOUS CHRISTMAS AND A NEW YEAR OF HEALTH AND HAPPINESS. MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A NEW YEAR FUI.,L OF HAPPINESS. THIS CHRISTMAS MESSAGE IS SENT SO THAT YOU MAY KNOW HOW MUCH WE VALUE YOUR GOODWILL. MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A PROSPEROUS NEW YEAR. TO YOU, AS ONE OF OUR OLD AND VALUED CUSTOMERS, WE SEND A MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR. MAY OUR F.RJENDLY RELATIONS CONTINUE FOR-MANY YEARS TO COME.

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HOLIDAY TELEGRAMS IN WISHING YOU A HAPPY NEW YEAR WE WANT YOU TO KNOW HOW MP