Spirituality and Emotional Intelligence: Wisdom from the World’s Spiritual Sources Applied to EQ for Leadership and Professional Development 103203839X, 9781032038391

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“Anyone involved in leadership development—​or personal development of any kind—​knows that, at bottom, what is being addressed is beyond psychology or behavior. It is that “More” which only spiritual masters have the courage to speak about. In this book, Gil Crosby is building a bridge-​ between-​the-​worlds for us all.” Dr. John J. Scherer

Lutheran Pastor Founding Director, Scherer Leadership Center Author of Facing the Tiger: Five Questions that Change Everything “I’m delighted with this book! Having published two books of my own on the subject, this book is a great next step! In my latter days I’ve come to realize that it requires great amounts of EQ to be able to embody religious teachings. Jesus tells us to love our neighbors. You tell me how we might execute such acts of kindness without huge gobs of EQ under our belt. Then Jesus commands us to also love our enemies—​which is impossible without multiple skills in EQ. This is why EQ ought to be taught in denominational seminaries. Congregational clergy need to be highly skilled in EQ as they set the tone for the kind of EQ that is practiced within their congregations-​plus being able to coach congregational members in how to embody religious principles in their daily lives. The ministry of clergy goes nowhere without their capacity to develop in-​depth relationships with congregants—​which requires great EQ skills. It is what makes them credible. Gil Crosby and his father practice what they preach. They use T-​group methodology to teach EQ as does the Center I founded. I give thanks for these kindred spirits and their important contribution to the much needed marriage of spirituality and EQ.” Roy M. Oswald, Ordained Lutheran Pastor. Founder and first Executive Director, Center for Emotional Intelligence and Human Relations Skill. Author of The Emotional Intelligence of Jesus and Emotional Intelligence for Religious Leaders “I am a proponent of understanding the self and questioning of everything. I do so and I live grounded in a Hindu perspective. My spirituality has carried me through the loss of my wife to cancer, the immediate remarriage to someone whom I did not know before, the creation of a multimillion

dollar eco-​water park on the north coast of Jamaica from scratch by building it ‘in the night’ while running my process control engineering business on the opposite end of the island in the day, and now a new life in Nova Scotia. Gil and his family have been an inspiration in my journey these past 20 plus years and this book is testament of his work helping to achieve enlightenment. Enjoy reading!” Gobind Dansinghani Performance Manager of Honeywell Canada Ltd Eastern Region “I highly recommend this work for spiritual enthusiasts and those searching for a sense of self. By drawing on the spiritual traditions of the past and present and skillfully weaving the key tenets of emotional intelligence the final product is useful for spiritual practitioners and those in search of a meaningful or purposeful life.” Reverend Garth Minott Episcopal/​Anglican Church of Jamaica “Gil’s book on Spirituality through Emotional Intelligence has a concrete ‘relatable-​to-​life’ feel consistent with his earlier books. His assiduousness reveals itself in the wide variety of philosophies, faiths, regions and traditions he integrates through almost any chapter he has covered. What it means for the reader is a comprehensive grasp that, like a Glossary of Spiritual anchors engages the reader. Most chapters have the ambit of Management of Self and Self-​Awareness, tied closely with Social Awareness and Social Skills for personal impact. With specific emotions finding elaborate treatment under his lens, Gil’s workbook connections for readers are ensconced in a spiritual tradition of the larger Crosby family in authentic Organization Development work. In near eudaimonic character, Gil’s work on this book unravels the perceptive wide-​compass radar that his curiosity of the human condition represents. And it is formidable.” Joseph George Anjilvelil Founder, Workplace Catalysts LLP, Bangalore, India Author of BEING PEOPLE: Life-​histories of Six HRD Professionals of India “Any event can be partially understood through different ‘lenses’ using the language of psychology, sociology, ‘street-​cred’, etc. Gil has chosen to illuminate EQ through the lens of spirituality. Being aware of one’s emotions

and choosing a productive behavior is indeed a spiritual function! ‘Don’t do what you feel. Rather, feel what you feel and choose what you do.’ That simple quote frees a Jesus to experience anger (in the Temple), anguish, sorrow, and love while staying centered. It frees a Gandhi, a MLK Jr., and you and me from being a victim of our emotionally and therefore simply living a reactive life on the end of strings pulled by our shifting emotionality. Thanks son, for inviting us on this journey!” Robert P Crosby Master of Divinity (United Theological Seminary) Master of Sacred Theology (Boston University) Lh.D. (Bastyr University)

Spirituality and Emotional Intelligence

Spirituality and Emotional Intelligence Wisdom from the World’s Spiritual Sources Applied to EQ for Leadership and Professional Development

Gilmore Crosby

First published 2021 by Routledge 600 Broken Sound Parkway #300, Boca Raton FL, 33487 and by Routledge 2 Park Square, Milton Park, Abingdon, Oxon OX14 4RN Routledge is an imprint of the Taylor & Francis Group, an informa business © 2022 Taylor & Francis The right of Gilmore Crosby to be identified as author of this work has been asserted by him in accordance with sections 77 and 78 of the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988. All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reprinted or reproduced or utilised in any form or by any electronic, mechanical, or other means, now known or hereafter invented, including photocopying and recording, or in any information storage or retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publishers. Trademark notice: Product or corporate names may be trademarks or registered trademarks, and are used only for identification and explanation without intent to infringe. Library of Congress Cataloging-​in-​Publication Data A catalog record for this title has been requested ISBN: 978-1-032-03841-4 (hbk) ISBN: 978-1-032-03839-1 (pbk) ISBN: 978-1-003-18933-6 (ebk) Cover art by Norman Hathaway Typeset in Minion Pro by Newgen Publishing UK

Lord, make me an instrument of Your Peace.

Where there is hatred, let me sow love; Where there is injury, pardon; Where there is doubt, faith; Where there is despair, hope; Where there is darkness, light; And where there is sadness, joy. Oh Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek To be consoled as to console; To be understood as to understand; To be loved as to love; For it is in giving that we receive; It is in pardoning that we are pardoned; And it is in dying that we are born to eternal light. Saint Francis of Assisi (1182–​1226) (Dwyer, 1998, p43) Truth is one: the sages call it by many names. Hindu scripture (Campbell, 1988, pXVII)

Dedication This book is dedicated to my Grandfather William Crosby (1896–​ 1975) and Grandmother Ethel (Erwin) Crosby (1897–​ 1987). Grandmother was clear in her Christian faith yet tolerant and loving toward people from all walks of life, even grandchildren such as I who thought and lived differently from she. I was fortunate to live with grandmother during the Fall semester of 1981, six years after grandfather had passed away, during a distance learning contract from my alma mater the Evergreen State College. Grandmother allowed me to conduct taped interviews of her for my senior thesis. For grandmother the message of Jesus was clear: “I think there is a right way to live, and the right way is Christ’s way, the way Christ wanted you to live.” Her goals were simple and clear, and she lived them: “To be a good wife … to be married to William Crosby and have a family and a home.” Living like Jesus did not in grandmother’s eyes mean being meek. She recalled speaking up to her mother and her father, of having at least an equal say with grandfather on important matters such as the family budget. She certainly never withheld her opinions around me. I’m sure she thought that I ought to attend church more often for example, which at that point in my young life was few and far between indeed. I asked her during the interviews if her relationship with grandfather was patriarchal and she said in a firm but good-​ natured way, “Definitely not!” We both had a good laugh over that. My grandparents were never wealthy. Grandfather was an hourly worker on the railroad in Pittsburgh. He was strong but quiet, with a sense of humor and a firm conviction to live by the same values as grandmother. He was laid off many times and they lost their home during the Great Depression, but they were selfless people who did what they had to, such as living with family, to get by. Despite these challenges they raised two wonderful boys and put them both through college. As grandmother put it, “Your grandfather worked twelve hours a day, but whenever he had time he spent as much time

as he could with the boys. He played with them out in the yard or took them to little ball games where we lived, or to the park.” He did the same as a grandfather, and I always felt deeply loved by both of them. The feeling is mutual, and my heartfelt wish is to honor them both with this book.

Contents Acknowledgments................................................................................ xvii Introduction.......................................................................................... xix

SECTION 1  EQ Theory Chapter 1 Crosby-​Style EQ.................................................................. 3 Chapter 2 The Crosby EQ Hierarchy................................................... 7 Chapter 3 EQ Hierarchy Level One—​S elf-​Awareness...................... 13 Reclaiming Your Full Range of Emotion......................... 13 Identifying Your Habits and Patterns............................... 20 Using Your Inner Guidance System (Self-​Differentiation)............................................... 22 Ability to Separate Self and Other.......................... 22 Ability to Separate the Past from the Present (Here and Now)............................................ 24 Ability to Separate Thinking and Feeling.............. 26 Understanding Your Mind–​B ody Connection................ 27 Reopening Your Mind....................................................... 28 Playfulness......................................................................... 41 Chapter 4 EQ Hierarchy Level Two—​Empathy................................ 43 Compassion—​G enuinely Caring...................................... 43 Accuracy—​G etting What They Mean.............................. 44 Open Mind—​Respecting Differences.............................. 44 Interaction—​C onveying Empathy.................................... 47

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xiv • Contents Chapter 5 EQ Hierarchy Level Three—​Skills.................................... 49 Self-​C alming...................................................................... 49 Conscious Breathing................................................ 50 Active Listening................................................................. 51 Feeling Description........................................................... 51 Conflict Skills.................................................................... 52 Systems Thinking.............................................................. 54 Chapter 6 Cognition and Emotion (Cause and Effect).................... 57 Chapter 7 Attachment and Detachment............................................ 61 Chapter 8 Behavioral Science Meets the Toltec Mayans.................. 73 Chapter 9 Out Here in the Fields (Field Theory)............................. 83 Chapter 10 Leadership.......................................................................... 89 Chapter 11 Nonviolence....................................................................... 95 Chapter 12 Marshmallows on a Stick.................................................. 99

SECTION 2  Emotions—​Red, Yellow, and Blue Chapter 13 Red (Hard) Emotions...................................................... 107 Anger................................................................................ 108 Skepticism and Pessimism.............................................. 111 Defensiveness................................................................... 112

Contents • xv Chapter 14 Blue (Fragile) Emotions.................................................. 115 Worry/​Anxiety/​Discomfort............................................ 115 Fear and Courage (Yellow)............................................. 116 Sadness, Sorrow, Grief.................................................... 117 Shame and Guilt.............................................................. 120 Humiliation..................................................................... 120 Depression....................................................................... 121 Chapter 15 Yellow (Soft) Emotions................................................... 123 Love��������������������������������������������������������������������������������� 124 Trust and Mistrust (Blue)............................................... 127 Patience and Impatience (Red)....................................... 128 Forgiveness...................................................................... 129 Empathy........................................................................... 131 Humility, Humiliation (Blue/​Red), and Self-​Esteem............................................................. 131 Gratefulness..................................................................... 136 Awe, Inspiration, Faith, and Mystery............................. 137 Appendix: The Religions of Man........................................................ 143 Bibliography......................................................................................... 157 Index..................................................................................................... 159

Acknowledgments As in most things I start on this Father’s Day of 2020 paying honor to my dad, Robert P. Crosby, without whom my career as an organization development professional with emotional intelligence woven into my work simply would not have happened. That he is an amazingly open-​minded United Methodist Minister also influenced this book. I come from a family tradition of a loving Christianity. My grandfather, Lewis Frees, was also a United Methodist pastor. He was a sweet and loving man, who always said “God is good,” no matter the circumstances, good, bad, or indifferent. Grandmother Crosby I have already mentioned. I like to think she is watching, because she would love my Jamaican wife, Alecia, unconditionally, yet even more so because of Alecia’s faith. Like grandfather Frees, Alecia and I always say, “God is good,” before we fall asleep. Alecia in turn encouraged me to write this book and stood by me while I poured my heart and soul into it. I am blessed with two sons, Parson and Willow, both of whom contribute to my knowledge in their own way. Parson is a massage therapist and a student of Buddhism, Chakras, and other eastern sources of healing and spirituality. He has blessed me with my first grandson. Willow has a Ph.D. in physics and is indispensable in helping my laymen brain sort out what is “pop” physics and what is actual physics. The Reverend Garth Minott, a Jamaican Bishop in the Anglican Church, has been another source of inspiration. Reverend Minott organized a group of Jamaican pastors to participate in the exploration of their emotional intelligence through T-​group learning. I have had the honor of facilitating that group on an on-​going basis the past few years, most recently in a virtual format due to the COVID-​19 pandemic. Our mutual friend Bill Poinsett introduced me to Reverend Minott (and at 79 continues to participate in the T-​groups), and for that I am forever in Bill’s debt. Special thanks to Daniel Goleman for popularizing and furthering our collective knowledge of emotional intelligence. The same to my dad’s physician, Dr. Ron Singler. Dr. Singler and his collaborator Dr. Gregory May created a unique way to think about the range of emotion. After using their model for decades, I present my own version of it in this book for the first time. xvii

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xviii • Acknowledgments In my mind no book on emotional intelligence is complete without the family systems theory of Murray Bowen and Edwin Friedman, which I approach from a new angle by weaving in the field theory of social scientist Kurt Lewin. Lewin’s research was taking a systemic approach to emotion a century ago and continues to provide a fresh perspective today. The task of conveying spiritual wisdom regarding emotional intelligence is much simpler thanks to the writing of Wayne Dwyer and Joseph Campbell, the social justice perspective of father’s mentor, Howard Thurman, the clarity of Vietnamese Buddhist Monk and author Thich Nat Hahn, the Zen Buddhist writings of Alan Watts, the Toltec Mayan teachings of don Miguel Ruiz, the spiritual wisdom of Eckhart Tolle, as well as countless other sources throughout history. Last but not least, special thanks also to Ishi Press for allowing me to reprint the first chapter from Huston Smith’s The Religions of Man. Dad used to have Smith’s book on our coffee table, and I read it at least by my early adolescence. Smith rewrote it as The World’s Religions, to remove the sexist language and to include more of the indigenous spirituality of the world, much of which only exists or existed in oral tradition. Worthy reasons which I fully support, and also a great read, but I remain attached to the first addition and request the reader to forgive me (plus I had secured Ishi Press’s permission before coming upon the 2nd edition, which belongs to a different publisher). A friend of mine upon reading the manuscript was so impressed by Smith’s writing that he suggested I make it my first chapter. I’ve chosen to leave it as the appendix but skipping there first might be wise. It’s nearly impossible to read Smith’s opening paragraphs without broadening one’s knowledge of the endless forms of spiritual expression spread throughout humanity. As the Hindu scripture put it: “Truth is one: the sages call it by many names” (Campbell, 1988, pXVII).

Introduction “This too shall pass.” In my eyes that ancient Persian saying is a deeply spiritual and emotionally intelligent statement. As Stephen Levine puts it, A monk, when asked about the fragility of life, deliberately lets a cup fall and break. He immediately says, “Of course!” When my father’s grandchildren would break something he would immediately say, “Of course!” and, of course, they were expecting to be reprimanded for carelessness. Then he would say, “Oh good, now we got to see how that cup ended its life –​because everything eventually ends!” (Levine, 1982)

This book is about applying such wisdom to a deeper and more colorful understanding of emotional intelligence (or EQ). I’m not writing this to create a new fad, for fads too shall pass. I’m not repackaging EQ as “Spiritual Intelligence.” That has been done (and done with sincerity).1 I’m not attempting to package the old as the new. “There’s nothing new under the sun” is ancient wisdom encouraging calm mature behavior and being (Ecclesiastes 1:9). That’s what I am interested in and that is what I attempt to capture in these pages. I am a Christian. This is not however a religious book. This is an emotional intelligence book rooted in spirituality. There is far too much wisdom about emotional intelligence imbedded in the religious and spiritual writings of the world to be ignored, even if you are attached to only one faith, or are averse to religion. This is written as much for atheists, Muslims, Hindus, Buddhists, Native Americans, etc., as it is for Christians. This was not originally intended as a leadership book and yet everything in it is vital to leading. Even prior to publication I found myself using more and more of the manuscript in my leadership development work. When my publisher suggested “can you add a chapter on leadership” I quickly saw that it was a missing piece. One could even make the case for a different title, such as “Spirituality, EQ and Leadership.” That, however, is a different 1 I don’t mean anything I say here as disrespect to Cindy Wigglesworth’s SQ21: The 21 Skills of Spiritual Intelligence. Her aspiration, to help people live as our spiritual role models live, is admirable.

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xx • Introduction book. Here I choose to stick with EQ as the primary focus. The overall lessons are meant for anyone, not just people in roles of leadership. I have written about emotional intelligence in two of my previous books. This is the first time I have made EQ the focus, and I am excited to put the multidisciplinary approach to EQ I have come to call “Crosby-​Style EQ” into visuals and words. Crosby-​Style EQ requires an open mind. If you are so attached to one religion that you cannot tolerate wisdom from other sources, that is dogma and this text is not for you, unless you are willing to consider that dogmatism is a mistaken hypothesis about how to be. Likewise, if you are so attached to atheism that you reject all things from a religious or spiritual source, that is also dogma and also a mistake. As Howard Thurman put it: “When (religion) becomes dogma, it becomes propaganda” (Crosby et al., 2019, p110). Dogma is an emotional attachment to something and an emotional rejection of everything else. Dogma is not an emotionally intelligent path to follow. Humans have been trying to understand and master emotion since the dawn of time. Tibetan Buddhists, for example, have been using consistent methods to conduct their own study of emotion for more than a thousand years. In my personal favorite of his many books on emotional intelligence, Destructive Emotions, Daniel Goleman initiated collaboration between Buddhist scholars, including the Dalai Lama, and scientists from fields such as cognitive neuroscience and psychology, to understand and learn from the Tibetan perspective on emotion. What do the Buddhists consider a “destructive emotion?” Any emotional state that distorts “our perception of reality.” Even emotional opposites, such as strong “attachment” (the honeymoon period, for example) and “aversion,” are similar in creating a likely gap “between the way things appear and the way things are” (Goleman, 2003, p75). The defining quality from the Tibetan Buddhist perspective is not whether one feels good or bad, happy or mad, but rather whether one’s emotional state is obscuring one’s clarity about reality. From this perspective, love can distort reality as much as hate can. The latter encourages seeing nothing but our differences, the former obscures our differences until we start to come down from the high of our infatuation. The same is true of more subtle emotions. One’s loyalty to a person or a group, while an admirable quality, makes it harder to see them, or anyone who seems to threaten them, with an open mind. That is the kind of cross-​cultural and spiritual perspective I have attempted to bring to this book and to the discussion of emotional intelligence. The

Introduction • xxi Buddhist concept of attachment, the emotional system perspective of Murray Bowan brought to life by Edwin Friedman in his work with Rabbis, the teachings of Jesus about love, the wisdom of Confucius regarding patience, all are related to EQ and create a deeper knowledge than any one perspective, such as that provided by western science alone, can bring. Buddhism and science share the value of detachment, allowing one’s cognitive powers to come into play so one can better acknowledge and appreciate their own feelings and the feelings of others, and manage their own reactivity. We are all reactive at times. Becoming more objective and less attached allows us to feel our feelings without being a prisoner to acting on them in habitual ways. From a more detached perspective, feelings are neither good nor bad, but simply clues as to how we are perceiving our environment, especially our social environment. This is especially important in terms of our relationships at home and at work. Our perceptions about what people intend trigger our emotional reactions. Think about the difference when you perceive critical feedback as a sincere attempt to help or when you perceive it as an attack of some sort. Perception evokes different emotional responses. Objectivity about our own perception is even more important than objectivity about emotion, because the former usually precedes the later. Paradoxically, being detached allows one to appreciate and experience one’s emotions more fully. Recognizing emotion as part of your inner guidance system instead of as something dangerous that must be controlled or denied is freeing. The less emotion runs you, the more you can accept feeling what you feel. Emotion is a form of physical energy. Fighting your own feelings takes energy. Allowing the ebb and flow of emotion is essential to physical and emotional health and to accepting ourselves as we are. As the Christian mystic Thomas Merton put it, Finally I am coming to the conclusion that my highest ambition is to be what I already am. That I will never fulfill my obligation to surpass myself unless I first accept myself—​and, if I accept myself fully in the right way, I will already have surpassed myself. For it is the unaccepted self that stands in my way—​and will continue to do so as long as it is not accepted. When it is accepted it is my own stepping stone to what is above me. (Merton, 2004)

xxii • Introduction The invitation here is to accept the emotional self, and to “cleanse the lens of perception” (to paraphrase William Blake) so as to find the next stepping stone. Such acceptance is both spiritual and emotionally intelligent. That is why I have written this book. I contend that spirituality and emotional intelligence are two sides of the same coin. My aforementioned friend, Reverend Minott, suggested a description of spirituality might help the reader, and offered the following: Spirituality is the aspect of humanity that refers to the way individuals seek and express meaning and purpose and the way they experience their connectedness to the moment, to self, to others, to nature, and to the significant or sacred. Christina Puchalski, MD, Director of the George Washington Institute for Spirituality and Health

Emotional intelligence also calls on us to be fully present “to the moment.” It calls on us to be appreciative of ourselves and our relationships. Likewise, whatever the outer trappings of our religious beliefs may be, a calm and loving presence is almost universally recognized as a spiritual way of being. In other words, the overwhelming majority of the world’s spiritual sources call on us to be emotionally intelligent. The connection is obvious to me and I am excited to be exploring it with you. A note to the reader: I use standard citations throughout with the exception of certain sources. For the Bible I have gone with book chapter and verse (for example, Mathew, 7–​7:2), all drawn from The New International Version Holy Bible (1973), as cited in the bibliography, except rare passages from the King James Version chosen due to personal preference (such as “To everything there is a season,” versus “There is a time for everything, and a season …”). When I have included quotes from The Gnostic Gospels, I have used the following format: “From now on I will rest in the eternal now.” Jesus … The Gospel of Mary Magdalene (Jacobs, 2006, p59). The Gnostic Gospels were discovered in 1945 in Upper Egypt where they had been hidden in a jar to prevent their destruction by the Roman officials of the “official” church. If, like Constantine (who ruled from 306 AD to 337 AD and was the first Roman Emperor to convert to Christianity), you find them offensive, please ignore them. Finally, there are a few quotes where the only source was the internet. I kept these when I valued and trusted the content but was unable to find any other source.

Introduction • xxiii The hardest and perhaps most wonderful thing about writing this book is that every time I thought I was getting somewhere in terms of exploring the spiritual wisdom of the ages, I realized I had hardly scratched the surface. I hope this fills the same thirst and awakens the same curiosity in you.

Section 1

EQ Theory

1 Crosby-​Style EQ1

There is nothing so practical as a good theory. Kurt Lewin (Lewin, 1999, p336) The proper meaning of “theory” is not idle speculation but vision, and it was rightly said that, “Where there is no vision the people perish.” Alan Watts (Watts, 1951, p105)

We begin by building a mutual understanding of emotional intelligence (or EQ … from IQ, or the intelligence quotient). Much has been written on the subject. My own career as an MSW turned organization development professional has involved helping people acknowledge and shift the emotionality in relationships, groups, and organizations. To do so requires on-​going study of my own emotionality, as well as the integration of many sources into practical theory that can easily be conveyed. What you will get here is my own unique version of EQ. What is emotional intelligence? At its most basic it is using your cognitive mind to be aware of your emotions and the emotions of others. Cognitive theory related to EQ, such as The Interpersonal Gap which is covered in Chapter 8, helps us to understand the process that creates emotions in ourselves and in others. Theoretical models also help establish behavioral skills for expressing and responding to emotions in a manner more likely to create the outcomes we are hoping for. This text, while weaving in the

1 If you can think of something better to call this version of EQ, let me know! Every descriptor I attached to it, like “Systems EQ” seemed corny!

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4 • EQ Theory promised spiritual sources, will address cognition and behavior, theory and skill. I’m going to try to explain this model of EQ in a comprehensive way yet hopefully without getting bogged down too much in the details. The spiritual connection to the social science is my real passion here and I suspect the same will be true for most of my readers. On the other hand, I can’t help the reader make that connection without understanding EQ, and the version of EQ conveyed here is well worth understanding. In my second book, Leadership Can Be Learned, I first called it “Emotional Intelligence, Crosby-​Style.” I’m a little self-​conscious about that title, yet I believe in the substance and the genuine uniqueness of this version of EQ. I could not go backwards to a more standard approach. In other words, I have some swag about this, and the image of “Gangnam Style” fits (if you aren’t familiar with “Gangnam Style,” see YouTube). While you are busy visualizing my gangham style dance, it’s a good time to note that playfulness is important to EQ. One can be playful and serious at the same time. To paraphrase Edwin Friedman, the loss of the capacity to be playful means that your “deadly serious” reptilian brain is running the show (Friedman, 1999, p63). I would rather have my mammalian brain engaged (Warning: there is a barrel full of monkeys in my head). We will more fully explore this and many other implications of EQ and brain structure in the pages to come. While I have made significant contributions to the synthesis and the ongoing development of this approach, the Crosby in “Crosby-​ Style EQ” really is a homage to my father, United Methodist Minister Robert P. Crosby. Over the course of his career dad synthesized and applied various sources regarding the role of emotions in interpersonal and organizational dynamics and gave birth to the unique approach that I have been privileged to build upon. The word “applied” is important here. Father’s “applied behavioral science” method, based on the work of Kurt Lewin, is to test our theories by applying them to ourselves, and through our work with organizations. That is a form of Lewin’s “action research.” The model and methods then stay practical because we evaluate the results in the field and only keep what survives actual usage. I encourage you to do the same as you read this book. My father was first exposed to the action research approach to emotion in 1953. While studying for his master’s in theology at Boston University dad participated in his first T-​group, the group learning process invented

Crosby-Style EQ • 5 by Lewin. Father’s adaptation of the T-​group first to church camp settings and then to industry and a graduate program has since raised the emotional intelligence of literally thousands of people in the United States and abroad, from many cultures and all walks of life. His T-​group work in industry included more “blue collar” than “white collar” workers, although plenty of both and almost always mixed together. This extensive T-​group work, which I have participated in for decades, has played an important role in the on-​going development of our approach. Along the way, father met John Wallen. Wallen’s aforementioned Interpersonal Gap in my opinion is unmatched in terms of teaching behavioral skills about emotions and clarifying the process of how we generate emotions within ourselves. Add family systems theory (Virginia Satir, and Bowen and Friedman in particular) and neuroscience, and father’s multidisciplinary approach evolved into a truly unique framework for EQ. In 1995 Daniel Goleman added his voice, popularizing EQ with the publication of his best seller, Emotional Intelligence. Goleman built on reams of existing research both to provide a model of EQ and to assert that the critical factor in career success is not IQ, but rather EQ. Building on all of the above, I’ve come to the following: while high IQ can be a blessing, it can also be a curse if coupled with an inability to connect with others or to be detached from mental activity. For ages, people have put cognitive intelligence on a pedestal, and unwittingly settled for and even fostered lower EQ by trying to control their emotions through denying or ignoring them. Ironically, such an attempt is based on fear of emotion, and hence is an emotional/​irrational approach to emotion. Worse, it blinds the individual to important data available from their own “inner guidance system” (more on this later). To the extent one is blind to emotion, one is more likely to act out of emotion without understanding the root cause of their actions. To be rational about one’s emotions, one must use their cognitive brain to pay attention to the messages that emotions are providing. Fortunately, science and spiritual practice both indicate that by working on awareness of emotion in yourself and in others, you don’t have to be an Einstein to increase your emotional maturity, which research indicates is a major determinate of success and happiness. Speaking of Einstein, he was a model not just of intellect, but of playfulness, the important EQ ingredient mentioned above. Complementing his magnificent neocortex, Einstein probably had two barrels of monkeys in

6 • EQ Theory his head. He was playful from the beginning until the end, without which I doubt his IQ would have been unleashed with such creative force. Regarding EQ in general, Daniel Goleman tells us (in Working with Emotional Intelligence): EQ accounted for 67% of the abilities deemed necessary for superior performance. EQ mattered twice as much as technical expertise or IQ. Unlike IQ (which is understood to be essentially a fixed capacity—​we either use it, or we don’t, but it can’t be increased in any significant way), whatever your current EQ, with intention and guidance, you can enrich this aspect of living, and in so doing enrich your soul.

2 The Crosby EQ Hierarchy

FIGURE 2.1

The Crosby EQ Hierarchy.

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8 • EQ Theory The Crosby EQ Hierarchy gives you a quick visual of the elements of Crosby-​Style EQ. The foundation is self-​awareness. As Gandhi put it, “Be the change that you wish to see in the world.” If you don’t understand yourself the odds are low that you will truly understand others (empathy) or develop skills. Start with yourself. Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, “Brother, let me take the speck out of your eye,” when you yourself fail to see the plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye. Jesus (Luke 6:41–​42)

When your emotional intensity increases, if you are imbalanced by focusing more on others than on self, there are consequences. Reflect on yourself: when the heat is on, do you focus more on self or on other? Focusing primarily on the perceived faults of others and/​or blaming them in moments of conflict is a common habit. Focusing on self, not just on my opinions but rather on what have I done to increase tension and what can I do to decrease it, empowers me and de-​escalates tension in myself and likely in the other. First you have to notice in a reflective way when your emotional intensity has gone up, and not just wallow in the adrenaline rush. With that awareness, emotionally intelligent action is possible. A reliable first practical action is some sort of self-​calming. That can be done in many ways. Mindful breathing and/​or by skillfully tuning into the other are two such skills. If, on the other hand, my habit is to start by critiquing and trying to change others, I will predictably create a counter force. Homeostasis in the relationship will be maintained, even if it is undesired. I will be able to explain my position, but I will have trapped my own cognition in the service of attacking and defending, which is a very narrow and self-​limiting focus. Confirmation bias, only seeing what I expect to see, is inevitable in human cognition, but it can be reduced through awareness and an intention of open mindedness. Confirmation bias increases when we allow ourselves to get stuck in a loop of explaining (in our heads and possibly to others) that they are wrong and we are right. Such defending is how most people handle critical feedback.

The Crosby EQ Hierarchy  •  9 As evidenced in the Bible, blame goes way back in human history. It didn’t help then, and it doesn’t help now: The man said, “The woman you put here with me –​she gave me some fruit from the tree, and I ate it” … The woman said, “The serpent deceived me, and I ate.” Genesis 3:12–​13

Edwin Friedman playfully suggests that blame was the actual original sin: … if there was an original sin that has been transmitted down through the generations, it was not an act of disobedience, which, after all, could also be seen as an act of differentiation, but their response after they had disobeyed. (Friedman, 2008, p6)

If I stick with blaming the other, if I believe the problem is completely or even primarily outside of me, then the power to change lies outside as well. Listen to me, everyone, and understand this. Nothing outside a person can defile them by going into them. Rather, it is what comes out of a person that defiles them. Jesus (Mark 7:15)

Sometimes, of course, the problem is primarily outside the self. A Jewish person in Nazi Germany, as Kurt Lewin was, would have been best off fleeing if they could. A woman who is beaten by her spouse would be wise to also flee. EQ in such extreme circumstances is to respect one’s own fear and get to physical safety if possible. On the other hand, Gandhi’s words were spoken in the context of confronting the British Empire. He still chose to start with himself even though much of the problem clearly lay outside himself. He still chose to be the change he wanted to see, and in so doing created a mass movement in the face of life-​threatening force. He calmed himself, overcame his fears, and helped a nation do the same. To change a system, one still has to start with the self. That doesn’t mean that the victim is to blame for the existence

10 • EQ Theory of the system. George Floyd was not to blame for the existence of institutional racism in the United States. It does mean that change must start somewhere. Start with yourself. Let anyone of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her. Jesus (John 8:7)

BLAMING NEVER HELPS When you plant lettuce, if it does not grow well, you don’t blame the lettuce. You look into the reasons it is not doing well. It may need fertilizer, or more water, or less sun. You never blame the lettuce. Yet if we have problems with our friends or our family, we blame the other person. But if we know how to take care of them, they will grow well, like lettuce. Blaming has no positive effect at all, nor does trying to persuade using reason and arguments. That is my experience. No blame, no reasoning, no argument, just understanding. If you understand, and you show that you understand, you can love, and the situation will change. Thich Nhat Hanh (Hanh, 1991, p78)

Whatever situation you are in, you have more influence over yourself than over anyone else. How much influence you have on yourself can be increased through the application of scientific method. You can do action research on yourself. You are actually already doing so by reading this. Identifying your habits and patterns is a critical EQ skill. It positions you to experiment by not giving in to your habits and by replacing habitual behaviors with new ones. We will suggest many behavioral options and skills in this book. Trying to identify your own habits and patterns might be one of those new skills, unless you already consciously do so. Crosby-​ Style EQ is science, but it is not rocket science. I will keep it as simple as possible. So, in emotionally tense situations what is your habit? Do you tend to start with a focus on self or with a focus on other(s)? In non-​life-​threatening relationships, when the emotional crap hits the fan, most people I have met

The Crosby EQ Hierarchy  •  11 focus on the changes they believe others need to make. A dysfunctional pattern that can go on for a lifetime is if both parties are focused on what is wrong with the other. Separating won’t solve that. You will bring the same pattern to the next relationship, regardless of whether it is at work or at home. Don’t wait for the other to change. Work on yourself. Don’t use what they do as an excuse for not experimenting with what you do. As family systems therapist Tim Weber put it: The work of the self is not dependent on the response of the other.

This book will give you ample ideas for how to experiment. The following three chapters, adapted from my second book, Leadership Can Be Learned, explore each level of the Crosby EQ Hierarchy in detail.

3 EQ Hierarchy Level One—​Self-​Awareness

The privilege of a lifetime is being who you are. Joseph Campbell (Campbell, 1991, p15) Those who understand themselves are enlightened. Lao Tzu (Tzu, 2018, p33) Those who understand much may be wise, but those who understand themselves are even wiser. Lao Tzu When well-​matched armies come to conflict, the one that is aware of its own weakness conquers. Lao Tzu (Tzu, 2018, p69) Self-​mastery is all about awareness, and it begins with self-​awareness. First to be aware of what is real, and then to be aware of what is virtual, which means what we believe about what is real. With this awareness, we know that we can change what is virtual by changing what we believe. don Miguel Ruiz (Ruiz et al., 2010, p26)

RECLAIMING YOUR FULL RANGE OF EMOTION Regardless of who your parents were or where you were born on this planet (unless you were damaged prior to birth), you were born with a full range of emotions. Like any infant, you immediately expressed what you felt without shame. If you have been around infants, you know this to be true. 13

14 • EQ Theory Emotionally, we are all born in the garden. We quickly begin to bite the apple and gain knowledge from the environment, with no consciousness of what is happening. In many cultures, if you are a male you learned early in life not to cry and not to appear afraid. In many of the same cultures if you were female you were trained that crying was ok but anger is not. “Good” girls should smile and be “sugar and spice and everything nice.” These lessons are mostly taught without the conscious awareness of the adults and older siblings who were doing the teaching. They are mostly taught through reactions and observation, not through words. These lessons are taught and received uniquely and with infinite variation, yet within a cultural field of accepted behavior or “norms” (what is normal). Shame, or something similar, plays an important role in our development, as we learned what emotional expression is acceptable in our family and culture and what is not. By adulthood the socialization process regarding emotion is so engrained that some of us scarcely realize that we have any emotions at all, and the vast majority are blind to one emotion or the other. What are emotions? In simple terms they are physical energy telling us about our perception of the environment. We use words to describe that energy, which although done in a social context which creates some uniformity, is still a highly subjective process. What I call anger you might call irritation. What I call concern, you may call anxiety. Our individual socialization regarding emotion and regarding the words plays a role in what we call it. Buddhist Monk Thich Nhat Hanh talks about emotions this way: Our feelings play a very important part in directing all of our thoughts and actions. In us there is a river of feelings, in which every drop of water is a different feeling, and each feeling relies on all the others for its existence. To observe it, we just sit on the bank of the river and identify each feeling as it surfaces, flows by, and disappears. There are three sorts of feelings-​pleasant, unpleasant, and neutral. When we have an unpleasant feeling, we may want to chase it away. But it is more effective to return to our conscious breathing and just observe it, identifying it silently to ourselves: “Breathing in, I know there is an unpleasant feeling in me. Breathing out, I know there is an unpleasant feeling in me.” Calling a feeling by its name, such as “anger,” “sorrow,”

EQ Hierarchy Level One—Self-Awareness  •  15 “joy,” or “happiness,” helps us identify it clearly and recognize it more deeply. We can use our breathing to be in contact with our feelings and accept them. If our breathing is light and calm—​a natural result of conscious breathing—​our mind and body will slowly become light, calm, and clear, and our feelings also. Mindful observation is based on the principle of “non-​ duality”: our feeling is not separate from us or caused merely by something outside of us; our feeling is us and for the moment we are that feeling. We are neither drowned in or terrorized by the feeling, nor do we reject it. Our attitude of not clinging to or rejecting our feelings is the attitude of letting go, an important part of meditation practice. If we face our unpleasant feelings with care, affection and non-​violence, we can transform them into the kind of energy that is healthy and has the capacity to nourish us. By the work of mindful observation, our unpleasant feelings can illuminate so much for us, offering us insight and understanding into ourselves and society. (Hanh, 1991, p51)

We learn to filter what we notice in our “river of feelings” and what we reveal. We are less likely to use strong words to name emotions we are afraid of or are at least afraid of revealing to others. I might water down what word I use to describe my feeling because of my beliefs about the relationship or social situation I am in. I may or may not realize I am doing this. Emotion is a physiological experience with social implications. It’s complicated. And it’s simple. If I think you like what I am saying, I will probably feel good. If I think you dislike what I am saying I will probably feel stressed. That’s the basic cause and effect of perception (what I think you mean) on emotion. That happens lightning fast, so even though the perception comes first, our first clue about our perception might be our feelings. Further complicating things, whatever the feeling, it can range from low intensity to high intensity. Yet another complication is that people are calibrated differently in terms of how they express emotion. A person may have intense feelings and hardly change their tone of voice, facial expressions, or body language. Another person might have relatively low intensity and be very animated in terms of gestures, facial expression, and voice tone and speed. Culture plays a big role in such differences. These and other variables make misunderstanding easy. There is no right or wrong to such differences.

16 • EQ Theory Along similar lines, a result of the socialization process is the tendency to label emotions as good or bad. This is a false and purely social hypothesis. Emotions are neither good nor bad. They are simply a form of built in biofeedback regarding our perception of the environment, especially (but not limited to) the social environment. For example, shame (a form of distress which most of us would prefer to avoid) helps us reduce behaviors that are distressing to others, anger helps us take stands, fear makes us alert, joy gives us vitality. Problems arise not from emotions but from thinking and behavior. Problems also arise from “overaccessing” or “underaccessing” specific emotions. I invite you to think of it this way. Emotions are like the three bowls of porridge in Goldilocks and the Three Bears. While there is no perfect way to be (you are already perfect) there is such a thing as too much of any given emotion, too little, and just right. This could be true in any moment, and it could be true over time. Take anger, for example. If a person has too little access to anger they will tend to be impatient with anger in others (lack of empathy about anger) and defensive if the anger is directed toward them. If a person has a blind spot about their own anger they are likely to have a tendency to ignore their anger until it takes them by surprise, erupting with high intensity. This, in turn, can become a predictable cycle, with moments of high-​intensity anger followed by shame and disruption in relationships, followed again by the habit of “controlling” or ignoring anger while it is small, creating the conditions for the next eruption, and so on. I am well aware of that cycle because I have struggled with it myself. That is one example of what is meant by a pattern (what I can predict about myself and what I can predict about how others will respond to me). On the other hand, too much anger will likely be expressed through blame of others and may very well wear relationships out. Some emotions, such as love, increase energy. Too much anger burns energy and so is tiring for self and tiresome for others. “Just right” means that when you are angry you notice and admit it to yourself, explore what in your perception of others or of circumstances has triggered the anger, and make choices. You might choose to look at things differently and thus reduce the amount of time you spend being angry. I have learned to consider that I may have misunderstood others, and that cognitive change (new way of thinking) has greatly reduced the amount of times I make myself angry.

EQ Hierarchy Level One—Self-Awareness  •  17 Whatever the cause, if you are aware of your anger you always have the choice of whether to attempt to convey the anger or attempt to hide it from others. Both are valid options. You must be the judge, but you only give yourself that choice by noticing what you are feeling. In any genuine relationship, at times others need to know if you are angry. At other times it is best kept to self. This is true of all emotions and you are the one who must decide whether to disclose what you are feeling and how. Warning: any feeling that you always hide drains energy. This is true even if you are hiding love. Further warning: you are likely hiding some emotions from yourself. Reclaim your full range. The four food groups of emotion (mad, glad, sad, and afraid) are still inside you. The synaptic connections between your cognitive brain and your emotional center may have withered from disuse, but they still exist. You can strengthen those synopses no matter how old you are. You have to be intentional to do so. The second section in this book will help you by exploring the full range in a unique way. To recap, to increase your EQ it is vital to understand your emotions, and your beliefs about emotions. As mentioned, most people think that some emotions, such as love, are good, and others, such as defensiveness, are bad. Such beliefs can prevent us from seeing clearly what emotions we and others are experiencing. If we don’t know what we are feeling, we are more likely to fall into the trap described by the Tibetan Buddhists. Our feelings are more likely to distort our perception and “obscure the way things are” (Goleman, 2003, p76). The belief that emotion is not inherently good or bad is more rational; emotion is simply a constant part of being human. The question is what we do with emotion. If we are unaware of our emotions, we have less control over their impact on our thoughts and behaviors. When we are aware, regardless of what type of emotion is present, we have more influence over what we think and do. Especially in emotionally intense moments it is helpful to be able to name emotions either silently in your head or verbally. Brain imaging shows an immediate shift in activity from the limbic (or mammalian) area of the brain to the neocortex (or thinking portion of the brain) when this is done. The following graphic from my first book, Fight, Flight, Freeze, illustrates the basic neuroscience of the brain. This is not the only way to understand the brain, but it is a useful way for EQ purposes. This is, by the way, my colleague and brother Chris Crosby’s fabulous head, as sketched by his wife and then rendered into art by my old

18 • EQ Theory

FIGURE 3.1

The basic neuroscience of the brain.

high school buddy, Norman Hathaway (who has done cover art for Paul McCartney and the cover for this book, amongst many other achievements). Let’s walk through the graphic with an example. I began working with my dad in 1984. He was my mentor from day one and there was no doubt who was in charge and who was the apprentice, which is how it should be. As the years went by and my competence and experience increased, ambiguity crept in. About ten years into our work relationship I began to notice a pattern. I would be leading a group in an organization development activity, and dad would come into the room and just sit and watch silently. My cognitive perception (the neocortex) was that this meant he didn’t trust my abilities. That thought equates to a perception of danger, not as bad as being chased by a tiger, but danger none-​the-​less. The hippocampus, assigned the task of comparing the present with past emotional experiences, chimes in with an alert: the brain is reminded of a similar moment of emotional distress in the past. The amygdala activates the primitive brain (also

EQ Hierarchy Level One—Self-Awareness  •  19 known as the reptilian brain because its functionality is basically all a reptile has got: fight, flight, freeze, feed and, because I am a gentleman, I can’t say the fifth F, but it has to do with reproduction). Our powerful and swift instinctual survival reactions kick into gear. The system floods with adrenaline and cortisol. The heart starts pumping faster; the body is ready for action. The limbic or emotional center signals fear, which I experienced instead as anxiety. The anterior cingulate cortex constricts more or less like a valve, closing the mind so as to focus on the perceived danger. In my case I was heading toward a potentially self-​fulfilling prophecy. It became harder to focus on the task at hand, resulting in a drop in performance and the possible need for intervention by my superior. Fortunately, my neocortex never got completely hijacked by my primitive brain and I was able to calm myself enough to continue doing “good enough” work. Deep breaths helped my amygdala shift activity away from the primitive brain. Endorphins further calmed my system, and my neocortex reminded me that I might be mistaken in my interpretation. The emotional intensity in the limbic system gradually decreased. The anterior cingulate cortex relaxed and opened wider, increasing the connection between my emotional and cognitive centers, and making it literally easier to have an open mind. This type of event happened several times before it came more fully into my consciousness and my prefrontal cortex was able to select a new course of action. To make a long story short, I chose to speak to my father and he said something like, “I’m staying quiet because I am so proud of you and so impressed by your abilities.” Despite a little voice in my head that said, “He’s only saying that to make you feel better,” I choose to believe my dad and disregard that little voice. As you can imagine, that led to a whole new emotional response. I felt relief, love, embarrassment (since I had been creating my own nightmare), pride, etc. For the rest of my life I have sought out opportunities to have him in the room. I feel grateful that those opportunities have been plentiful. Awareness precedes the use of skills. Although I still have a lot to learn, even 20 years ago when this pattern was happening, there came a moment when I noticed my anxiety instead of denying it. I knew by then that it was worth paying attention to. If my head had been inside an MRI, as a Tibetan Monk allowed Daniel Goleman and a team of researchers to do in Goleman’s Destructive Emotions, when the anxiety increased my limbic system (also known as the mammalian brain because all mammals have something similar to it) would have lit up with electrochemical activity.

20 • EQ Theory When I recognized the emotion with my cognitive brain some of that activity would shift to the neocortex. The thinking center would light up, and the emotional center would calm down. In that moment awareness and skill are one. The act of noticing with the thinking mind is the skill that calms the emotional mind. In the next few moments I likely applied the self-​calming skill of taking several slow deep breaths in through my nose and into my belly. That further calms the emotional center and the entire body. The biochemical process shifts from escalation to de-​escalation. This is not denial. It is recognition. The second section of this book will walk you through the range of emotion so that you can, if you chose to do so, work on recognizing what emotions are in you that you have for your own unique reasons less access to, and tone down emotions that you might spend more time experiencing than you wish. The troublesome habits and patterns I carried about anger (denial, eruption, shame, denial) and my father (misunderstanding of other, anxiety, resentment) are just two examples from my own experience. Recognition has freed me from both patterns to a large extent.

IDENTIFYING YOUR HABITS AND PATTERNS As hopefully evident from the example of my father and I, recognizing patterns is an art that opens many behavioral windows of opportunity. Take a moment and think about the dance that goes on when you interact with others, especially when there’s any level of tension. By “dance” I mean predictable patterns. Humans need patterns, and most patterns are fine, or even pleasant (such as responding when someone smiles and says hello), but other patterns cause unnecessary distress. Any pattern you are in, you helped create and you have the power to alter, but only if you can see the pattern, and your part in it. For instance, in any group you are in, some people are more talkative, some people are less so. The talkative ones often wish the quieter people would talk more, and the quieter people often wish the talkative ones would talk less. Both parties are comfortable with the pattern and like aspects of it (including the predictability—​our reptilian brain is focused on survival, so it loves a predictable environment). What they don’t like they probably blame on

EQ Hierarchy Level One—Self-Awareness  •  21 others, thinking occasional thoughts such as “I wish they would speak up for themselves” or “I wish they would let me speak.” Both are trapped in their own victim thoughts, when all that either party has to do is recognize their own behavior and how it is fueling the pattern. The Toltec understood that we are going to create a virtual reality with or without awareness … The mastery of the human mind requires complete control of the attention-​the way we interpret and react to information we perceive from inside of us and outside of us. don Miguel Ruiz (Ruiz et al., 2010, p25)

“The attention” in this case must focus on patterns. Change is unlikely to come in this and other patterns without such self-​awareness. With awareness it becomes simple: the talker could stop talking or inquire of the other’s thoughts. The quiet person could speak up. While simple, both acts still take courage. Both acts would initially be uncomfortable. Ironically, even if the other person had been wishing things would change, the actual change would put their reptilian brain on alert, and they would likely tense up. Feeling the stress, the person who has chosen to do something different will also go into reptilian brain alert and be tempted to stop and go back to the way things were (a flight reaction). There is a powerful urge to stick with the known and to slip back into the safety of behaviors you have done before. These are the emotional dynamics underlying “homeostasis.” Systems, including systems made up of people, gravitate toward staying the same. Kurt Lewin called this tendency “semi-​quasi equilibrium.” We all want a certain amount of the familiar in our lives to keep ourselves from being overloaded. So much so that we are prone to unintentionally undermining the very changes we genuinely want in ourselves and in others. This has been well documented in treating alcoholism. If the alcoholic stops drinking, the family no longer needs to organize their lives around dealing with the alcoholic. The alcoholic’s potential health actually stresses the system, as the members are forced to focus their attention elsewhere. The ensuing stress often encourages the alcoholic back to the bottle, despite everyone’s genuine wish for change. Changing and maintaining new behavior takes patience. Even if everyone you know has always wished you were different, they will be stressed if they are forced to relate to you in a new way. You will be

22 • EQ Theory tempted to go back to the familiar habits and patterns of the past. Perhaps the most important EQ wisdom is that you must be patient and endure initial feelings of awkwardness and uncertainty in yourself and in others if you really want change.

USING YOUR INNER GUIDANCE SYSTEM (SELF-​DIFFERENTIATION) Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without.

Siddhārtha Gautama

Dr. Murray Bowen adds the helpful concept of “differentiation” to the conversation of EQ. Differentiation is the ability to separate and clearly see each element of what Bowen called the “inner guidance system.” In moments of high emotional intensity, it is easy to have these elements “fuse” and cause confusion.

FIGURE 3.2

Bowen’s inner guidance system.

Ability to Separate Self and Other Object theory tells us we are born fused, and only gradually learn to differentiate between ourselves, our primary caretakers, and the world around us. Small wonder that in moments of emotional intensity we return to fusion. We begin so attached that we literally think we are one. Without early attachment, humans, and our closest relatives in the natural world, mammals, wither and die. Early experiences with perfectly sterile infant care wards demonstrated that food and shelter are not

EQ Hierarchy Level One—Self-Awareness  •  23 enough. Without human interaction and contact, most of the infants died (Lewis et al., 2000, p68). We are primed for relationships and wired into each other long before we have the capacity to use words. Emotion ripples through relationships, groups, and nations, and even spreads on a global level. When a person in proximity to you becomes tense, it’s hard not to become tense yourself, and vice versa. While most communication moves slow as mud, rumors spread in companies like wildfire, riding on a wave of fear. Likewise, when a meeting suddenly lightens up, everyone is likely to feel lighter. We are more wired together than we have led ourselves to believe. Bowen refers to this as the emotional field. Individuals with high EQ recognize their role in cocreating the field and their vulnerability to it. That person who drives you crazy is partially the way they are with you because you are probably tense if you even anticipate running in to them, let alone are actually in their presence. In other words, your own tension fuels their reaction (tension, fear, etc.). As mentioned (but worth repeating again and again), calming yourself by recognizing your own tension while taking slow, deep breaths through your nose and deep into your belly is one of the surest pathways to creating calmer relationships. This is equally vital when the initial tension is coming from others. Imagining others feel the way you feel and/​or think the way you think is another form of fusion of self and other. It may or may not be accurate, but it is especially easy to believe in moments of high intensity. Imagining others feel or think things that you differ with and believing what you are imagining without verifying it is another form of fusion. If you can’t differentiate yourself from others—​if you can’t get clear about what is really you and what is really them—​you will be prone to creating needless drama. It’s one thing to wonder if someone is holding something against you. It’s another thing to be in the habit of concluding that others are holding something against you and in turn hold that conclusion against others as if it were a scientific fact. Figuring out what is really just your own stuff and what is really in others is a core EQ task. When it is actually in others, building the capacity to improve relationships that you want to improve is also vital. EQ requires a blend of trusting yourself and questioning yourself. Try starting with the assumption that there is a misunderstanding when someone seems to be “against you.” You may indeed have an irresolvable conflict, as any Jewish person did with Hitler, but most people jump to

24 • EQ Theory that conclusion way too fast out of fear of getting burned. Carl Rogers said start with “unconditional positive regard.” Jesus said, “Love your enemies” (Matthew 5:44). If you can’t differentiate your emotional experience from others, you’re like a puppet on a string. They get mad, you get mad. They get anxious, you get anxious. Starting any emotionally intense moment by blaming others, even silently in your head, is a form of fusion. If that is your pattern, break it. Don’t indulge in blaming them for “being tense.” Be the source of calm for yourself and for others. There are many simple pathways to managing intensity such as deep breathing or mindfully focusing on behavioral skills (four of which will be described in more detail). Take responsibility and calm yourself when the intensity goes up, and you will create better outcomes for everyone involved. (Jesus) recognized with authentic realism that anyone who permits another to determine the quality of his inner life gives into the hands of the other the keys to his destiny. If a man knows precisely what he can do to you or what epithet he can hurl against you in order to make you lose your temper, your equilibrium, then he can always keep you under subjugation. It is a man’s reaction to things that determines their ability to exercise power over him. Howard Thurman (Thurman, 1976, p28)

Ability to Separate the Past from the Present (Here and Now) Eternity is a dimension of here and now. The divine lives within you. Joseph Campbell (Campbell, 1991, p21)

The emotional field also involves fusion of the past with the present. Again, neuroscience shows that we are wired for this. The hippocampus, embedded deep in the brain in close proximity to the reptilian brain, begins storing emotional memory before we can even think. We project our emotional experience of our early caretakers onto others, especially important others such as authority figures and spouses, throughout the rest of our lives. Emotional intensity is a clue that the brain is being reminded of past experiences in the present. These experiences could have been five minutes ago, when you felt offended in a meeting; ten years ago, when you thought a co-​worker or boss intentionally humiliated you; or in the first moments

EQ Hierarchy Level One—Self-Awareness  •  25 of your life. One of the highest EQ skills is to assume that intensity in the present isn’t just about the person or persons you are dealing with now, but also what you are carrying from the past. Furthermore, when you are an actual authority figure, everyone dependent on you is wrestling with the same fusion of their past and present when they are dealing with you. As the ancient Mayans used to say, “Don’t take anything personally” (Ruiz, 2010, p47). In his modern representation of ancient Mayan Toltec thought, Ruiz goes on to explain, “Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves. All people live in their own dream, in their own mind; they are in a completely different world from the one we live in” (Ruiz, 2010, p47). In this way of thinking, everything coming from you and coming at you is projection, or more about our inner world than the outer world. With this in mind, it is wise to not spew your own past intensity onto people in the present. Differentiate between what you are carrying, such as anger at some past authority figure, and what really is about what is happening now. Easier said than done, because we are talking about highly irrational processes here, but a worthy goal nonetheless, with high returns at home and at work. Separating the past from the present requires the ability and willingness to be fully present in the here and now. Breathing, calming yourself, taking in the moment, being truly present is at the heart of spiritual practice from many sources. Really being present requires setting aside your concerns about knowing what to do next. There is something within you that remains unaffected by the transient circumstances that make up your life situation, and only through surrender do you have access to it. It is your life, your very Being –​which exists eternally in the timeless realm of the present. Finding this life is “the one thing that is needed” that Jesus talked about. Eckhart Tolle (Tolle, 1999, p173)

Really being with another requires setting feelings from the past and worries about the future aside. Really being alive requires the same. There is a time for planning, there is a time for reflecting. Separate the past from the present, whether the distant past or what happened just a few moments ago. Make sure you are giving yourself and others the gift of being truly present in the here and now.

26 • EQ Theory …happiness is possible only in the present moment. Of, course, planning for the future is part of life. But even planning can only take place in the present moment. Thich Nhat Hanh (Hanh, 1991, p6) If happiness always depends on something expected in the future, we are chasing a will-​o’-​the-​wisp that ever eludes our grasp, until the future, and ourselves, vanish into the abyss of death. Alan Watts (Watts, 1951, p15) If my happiness at this moment consists largely in reviewing happy memories and expectations, I am but dimly aware of this present. I shall still be dimly aware of the present when the good things that I have been expecting come to pass. For I shall have formed a habit of looking behind and ahead, making it difficult for me to attend to the here and now. Alan Watts (Watts, 1951, p35) We need more light … Light, here, means awareness –​to be aware of life, of experience as it is in this moment, without any judgements or ideas about it. In other words, you have to see and feel what you are experiencing as it is, and not as it is named. Alan Watts (Watts, 1951, p75) If not now, when?

Eckhart Tolle, quoting Zen (Tolle, 1999, p43)

“From now on I will rest in the eternal now.” Jesus … The Gospel of Mary Magdalene (Jacobs, 2006, p59)

Ability to Separate Thinking and Feeling Be present as the watcher of your mind –​of your thoughts and emotions as well as your reactions in various situations. Eckhart Tolle (Tolle, 1999, p45)

Bowen, in Family Evaluation (with Michael Kerr), describes differentiation as dependent on the degree to which a person is “… able to distinguish between the feeling process and the intellectual process. Associated with the capacity to distinguish between feelings and thoughts is the ability to

EQ Hierarchy Level One—Self-Awareness  •  27 choose between having one’s functioning guided by feelings or by thoughts” (Kerr and Bowen, 1988, p 97). Without this inner differentiation between feelings and thoughts, one will operate more off emotion, including the emotional cues from one’s primary social groups (this includes family, work, and larger entities, such as nations). In other words, one will be more prone to “fit in” by only behaving in a manner that is accepted by others, or behave in the opposite extreme—​establishing their sense of identity by habitually rebelling. Either states are a form of fusion in family systems theory: and thus the opposite of differentiation. Even though the fused person will be convinced they are acting independently, they are primarily forming their identity in reaction to others. To be a person who can connect to others, while still respecting their own inner guidance system of thoughts and feelings, it is essential to separate these aspects of our inner experience.

UNDERSTANDING YOUR MIND–​BODY CONNECTION Emotion arises at the place where mind and body meet. It is the body’s reaction to your mind –​or you might say, a reflection of your mind in the body. For example, an attack thought or a hostile thought will create a build-​up of energy in the body that we call anger. The body is getting ready to fight … Of course, you are not usually conscious of all your thought patterns, and it is often only through watching your emotions that you can bring them into awareness. Eckhart Tolle (Tolle, 1999, p20)

Brain functioning is not only situated in the head. Indeed, the biochemical basis of emotions flow throughout our system, sending and receiving information throughout the body. As biochemist Dr. Candice Pert puts it, Recent technological innovations have allowed us to examine the molecular basis of the emotions, and to begin to understand how the molecules of our emotions share intimate connections with, and are indeed inseparable from, our physiology. It is the emotions, I have come to see, that link mind and body. (Pert, 1997, p18)

28 • EQ Theory While it is helpful to differentiate between structures in the brain, it is also important to recognize the entire body as a system. Communication between glands and other organs throughout the body is therefore, more a systemic process than a mere matter of communication relays. Body parts can have an impact on one another from a distance. In fact, hormone is the Greek word for impact. Since the brain has the largest number of nerve connections, it also releases the most “impacting agents.” The brain, in fact, turns out to be, or to function like, a gland, and in sheer quantity releases more substances than other well-​known glands such as the thymus or the pancreas. The brain even manufactures and stores its own insulin. The more one begins to orientate oneself to this view of the brain, the more it seems that its major function is to preserve the health of the organism in which it is situated—​so that thinking may actually be a bonus! (Friedman, 1999, p125)

The system is constantly giving you information. When your muscles are tense it is a clue that your thoughts and your feelings are tense. Being mindful of your body is part of the ancient Buddhist path to EQ, as it is also in other sources. Breathing and/​or movement can quickly decrease tension in your system. Your gut feelings are as important in thinking and decision-​making as is your neocortex. Body awareness is the pathway to emotional awareness. We will return to this when we reach the topic of Self-​Calming skills.

REOPENING YOUR MIND Seek an open mind…

Lau Tzu (Tzu 2018, p16)

“At birth you were one…” –​Jesus … The Gospel of Thomas (Jacobs, 2006, p23)

You were born as your essence. A perfect, and I like to think, divine, blank slate.

EQ Hierarchy Level One—Self-Awareness  •  29

FIGURE 3.3

Ego and essence.

Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Jesus (Matthew 18:3, Luke 18:17, Mark 10:15)

At birth you had a completely open mind which went about the business of soaking in and learning from your environment, especially your social environment. You had no process for judging what you were learning. The capacity of judgment came later. You had a full range of emotion and complete congruence between feeling and showing what you were feeling. Judgments about what to show and what not to show came later. The outer layer, the ego (or personality), was yet to be formed, yet many people think that the ego is who they are. You came into this world becoming, and you are still becoming. The world holds the thought of self, and from this arises false apprehension. The self is an error, an illusion, a dream. Open your eyes and awaken. See things as they are and ye will be comforted. Buddha (563 BC–​483 BC) Said Moses to the Voice (of God, Yahweh, Jehovah, Allah, Allaha)

30 • EQ Theory What’s your name? “I am that I am.” Look it up (Exodus 3:14). Or, “I am becoming what I am becoming” Tell them that “I am that I am” sent you. Strange name. But: A wonderful name for deity. “I am being-​in process.” Aren’t we all? Uniquely unfinished as the rest of my story-​our story. To begin each day in wonder and amazement. To drop yesterday’s sorrow, bitterness, frustration. To die to the past. We are only alive in this moment. No other moment exists. My name is “I am becoming who I am becoming.” I honor my past-​my culture-​my childhood faith. But “… life is too short to have just one identity” And I move on. A new day keeps dawning. What’s your name? Robert P. Crosby (Crosby, 2005, p126)

Yes, there was the influence of “nature”—​tendencies handed down by your parents’ DNA (the difference between Einstein’s brain and my own, for example, the hormonal differences inherent in gender, and so on)—​ but a growing body of research indicates that “nurture” is by far the greater influence. As Dr. Daniel Siegel puts it in The Developing Mind, “… all indications point to a primary role of experiential factors …” (Siegel, 1999). Our primary caretakers, in the context of their cultural and historical environment, both in terms of shaping our beliefs and at an even more irrational level in terms of how we relate leave the greatest stamp on who we are. As don Miguel Ruiz puts it: Can you see all the judgments that you have about yourself? Every judgment is just an opinion-​it’s just a point of view-​and that point of view wasn’t there when you were born. Everything you think about yourself, everything you believe about yourself, is because you learned it. You learned the opinions

EQ Hierarchy Level One—Self-Awareness  •  31 from Mom, Dad, siblings, and society. They sent all those images of how a body should look; they expressed all those opinions about the way you are, the way you are not, the way you should be. They delivered a message, and you agreed with that message. And now you think so many things about what you are, but are they the truth? You see, the problem is not really knowledge; The problem is believing in a distortion of knowledge—​and that is what we call a lie. What is the truth, and what is the lie? (Ruiz et al., 2010, p31)

Consider your beliefs. No one grows up today believing the world is flat, or worshiping Zeus. Attempting to genuinely adopt either of these beliefs would be an exercise in futility. Your current worldview simply won’t allow it. Yet if you had been born in a certain place in a certain time, you would have accepted both of those ideas, at least initially, without hesitation. If you think you are free of cultural and historical bias, consider this. According to anthropologist Lila Leibowitz, even scientists are biased. The male anthropologists, who studied most so-​called primitive societies before they were overrun by the rest of us, consistently saw family relations in the patriarchal roles that they expected to see. Mention of males caring for the young or of females in roles outside of homemaker were absent from the anthropological research even where the behavior of males caring for children was normal. Leibowitz concludes, Inevitably what a social or behavioral scientist sees and reports is colored and shaped by what he or she expects to see, knows about, and is encouraged or required to write about. Like everybody else, social scientists are subject to the traditions in which they grow up. (Leibowitz, 1978, p119)

We all have perceptual biases based on the people and cultures that raised us. That is part of the closing of the once wide-​open mind. In case you are feeling skeptical about that, here is a little test. If you aren’t biased then you will have no trouble accepting the lifestyle of the Marquesan Islanders, as described by Leibowitz: Marquesan society, as it was observed, recorded and reconstructed from native accounts, developed ideals and norms of sex roles and social behaviors almost diametrically opposed to ours. These ideals and norms were reflected

32 • EQ Theory in several sorts of marital and household arrangements; households with just a husband and wife; households in which a wife has several husbands; households in which a married man marries a married woman who brings along her previous husband; and a variation of any of these three types to which unmarried men, “secondary husbands” who are free to leave, are attached. In all these instances the woman or women in the household share the services, sexual and economic, of whatever males, except for brothers and fathers, are around. Sexual activities also extend well beyond the household, however, for both men and women, and they begin well before marriage. Yet sex is a key to household formation in the Marquesans, although this generalized open sexual accessibility contrast sharply with what we think marriage, families, and households are about. (Leibowitz, 1978, p132)

If you find yourself holding negative judgments about the Marquesans, that is your cultural bias rearing its head. The Marquesans were no doubt just as shocked and judgmental as they judged the French who colonized their people and their islands, and not just for the violent means employed in the act of colonization, but also for their French cultural traits. And that is just one example of the amazing amount of cultural variation on our planet, at least prior to the assimilation of most cultures by colonialization. No one is born hating another person because of the color of his skin, or his background, or his religion. Nelson Mandela

Culture is socially constructed. No culture was provided to humans. We create it. We were not aware we were doing so, but we can be aware of that now. In other words, we have the capacity to alter culture, and to construct it the way we want. We don’t have to have racism and sexism. They are habits. Awful habits. Social Scientist Kurt Lewin explains the “social construction of reality” this way: … what exists as reality for the individual is, to a high degree, determined by what is socially accepted as reality … Reality therefore is not an absolute. It differs with the group to which the individual belongs … the general acceptance of a fact or a belief might be the very cause preventing this belief or fact from ever being questioned. (Lewin, 1997, p49)

EQ Hierarchy Level One—Self-Awareness  •  33 Even if you agree with Lewin’s statement, that doesn’t make uncovering and recognizing your own cultural biases easy. Like a fish trying to describe water, many of our most fundamental beliefs are invisible to us. Two powerful beliefs, reflected and reinforced in the theories of Aristotle and Freud, hold sway in our current culture. Again, as Lewin put it back in 1936: … the transition from Aristotelian to Galilean concepts demands that we no longer seek the “cause” of events in the nature of a single object, but in the relationship between an object and its surroundings. It is not thought then that the environment of the individual serves merely to facilitate or inhibit tendencies which are established once for all in the nature of the person. One can hope to understand the forces that govern behavior only if one includes in the representation the whole psychological situation. (Lewin, 1936, p26)

Based on the western cultural perspective (which started with the Greeks being “west” and the Persians being “east”), when people have problems at home or at work a simplistic version of Aristotelian thinking is to focus on “single objects” (people or groups) and “the nature of the person” (personality as cause). Individuals and groups get blamed for what are systemic problems. Differentiating between “objects,” while a very useful exercise at times, at the wrong time and place ultimately limits understanding. To solve systemic problems, blaming and replacing individuals is often about as logical and effective as blaming and replacing worn tires when your car (the system) is out of alignment, yet that focus on “getting the right people on the bus” instead of changing the bus is part of the cultural bias of our age. I write this from the United States fully aware that many cultures, including the indigenous cultures here, place greater emphasis on the relationship and responsibility of the individual to the collective than does the western cultural bias. Abuntu, an African way of thinking demonstrated in the following quote by Archbishop Desmond Tutu, is an example of a more collectively orientated cultural perspective: We say that a person is a person through other persons. We don’t come fully formed into the world. We learn how to think, how to walk, how to speak, how to behave, indeed how to be human from other human beings. We

34 • EQ Theory need other human beings in order to be human. We are made for togetherness, we are made for family, for fellowship, to exist in a tender network of interdependence. (Battle, 2009, p511)

To be fair, even the earliest western science (including Aristotle) with the information available has sought to understand the relationship between objects. This becomes more difficult as we focus our attention on the smallest particles of matter. As is true of anything, what can be seen depends on what is focused on. If we focus on a particle, we lose sight of the wave composed of particles. If we focus on the wave, we lose sight of the individual particle. We can’t watch both at the same time so we can’t ever really see the parts (the particles) and the system (the wave) simultaneously. Adding to the mystery, even when you watch the particle instead of the wave you don’t know for sure where the particle is, only several possibilities of where it might be. The same is true of people. You can see them in their systems (their primary social groupings at work, home, and other group situations). You can see them out of their systems. You can’t see both at the same time. We are not “fixed” even in the present moment and our relationship to the social environment is a huge variable in how we show up in any given moment. Furthermore, regardless of environment, you don’t know for sure what is going on inside of people, only possibilities. You don’t even know who you will be in the next moment. You can predict your habits, but you are not your habits. That is both an EQ and a spiritual fact. You are not your job title, your age, your income, your citizenship, or where you are from. You are not fixed, definable, and predictable. You are more than the sum of all that. You are becoming. You are possibilities—​with or without an open mind—​but an open mind expands the possibilities. Man has falsely identified himself with the pseudo-​soul or ego. When he transfers his sense of identity to his true being, the immortal Soul, he discovers that all pain is unreal. He no longer can even imagine the state of suffering. Paramahansa Yogananda (1893–​1952) (Dyer, 1998, p223)

You are a being who takes much of your identity from the social field in which you live (which in Kurt Lewin’s eyes includes the past, the current

EQ Hierarchy Level One—Self-Awareness  •  35 groups and culture to which you belong, and your aspirations for the future). In the emotional field of your primary social groupings, from the large (national) to the small (family), peer pressure is a subtle but powerful influence on what you think, feel and do. Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I’ll meet you there. When the soul lies down in that grass, the world is too full to talk about. Ideas, language, even the phrase “each other” doesn’t make any sense. The breeze at dawn has secrets to tell you. Don’t go back to sleep. You must ask for what you really want. Don’t go back to sleep. People are going back and forth across the doorsill where the two worlds touch. The door is round and open. Don’t go back to sleep. Rumi (1207–​1273) (Barks, 1995, p36)

Kurt Lewin’s social science, while “western,” was focused on the relationship between the individual and the collective, or as he put it, on “group dynamics.” His research showed that change occurring based on what he called group decision was far more likely to stick then change based on trying to convince people on an individual basis: “One of the reasons why ‘group carried changes’ are more readily brought about seems to be the unwillingness of the individual to depart too far from group standards—​he is likely to change only if the group changes” (Lewin, 1999, p273). Change is an emotional process that requires the “unfreezing” of beliefs and habits at the individual and collective levels. Because change implies moving into less known or unknown territory, the reptilian brain goes on alert, and favors closing the mind just when it needs to be open. The temptation is to stick with the safety of what one already knows. Such fear is easier to overcome of course if the collective is changing with you, or if you have to change to keep up with the collective. It is much harder, but possible, if you are opening your own mind but your primary social groups are not. High EQ increases the capacity to

36 • EQ Theory follow your inner guidance system and differentiate from your primary social groupings when you believe you must. Such differentiation for the right reasons may be in the best interests of the collective in the long run, even if the costs in the short term are high. The society is the enemy when it imposes its structures on the individual. On the dragon there are many scales. Every one of them says “Thou shalt.” Kill the dragon “Thou shalt.” When one has killed that dragon, one has become The Child. Joseph Campbell (Campbell, 1991, p21)

This brings us back to the initial closing and potential reopening of our minds. As indicated, our behavioral, cognitive, and emotional habits emerge primarily through nurture and are so locked into place by the time we are old enough to notice them that they seem to be “just the way we are.” Thanks to the popularization of Freudian concepts in western culture, most people call this collection of habits and beliefs “personality.” Personality is usually thought of as essentially fixed into place. This in turn leads many to believe that nature is still stronger than nurture. “We carry the same traits into different situations, so doesn’t that prove something?” one might argue. It does prove something: that wherever you go, there you are. It does NOT prove that you were essentially born the way you now are. You acquired your primary behavioral, cognitive, and emotional habits through interactions with your environment, and with intention you can make adjustments now. Birth order seems to me to be an irrefutable example of how the early environment influences our habits and our beliefs about “who we are.” What could be more random than whether or not you have siblings, and if so whether or not you came first, second, or third, etc.? I trust you agree that your DNA had nothing to do with whether you were born first, or whether your parents had any more children, and yet birth order has huge predictable implications for emotional, cognitive, and behavioral habits. Nothing holds true for 100% of the population, but firstborns are typically highly responsible and emotionally guarded. They became a little parent when the second child came along, and the actual adults usually encourage the firstborn to do so. The adults are busy dealing with a new infant so the firstborn needs to grow up! Plus they are proud of their abilities and rightfully so! Firstborns tend to soldier on through life, taking

EQ Hierarchy Level One—Self-Awareness  •  37 care of others, taking care of business (and climbing to high positions), and having difficulty with emotional intimacy. I’m loosely paraphrasing Dr. Ronald Richardson here, from his wonderful little book, Family Ties That Bind (Richardson, 1984, p73). The next kid(s) spend their lives in relationships and tend to be more social. They also spend their lives competing with and wanting the approval of the firstborn. The last-​born tends to be on a mission to not just be loved because they are the cute adorable little baby, but because they have abilities and accomplishments of their own. Gender and social expectations about gender play a role in this predictable drama. Competition between first and second borns is likely to be more intense if they are the same gender. If the firstborn is a male and the second a female the adults are likely to foist a bunch of the “parenting” of additional siblings, and even caretaking, on the firstborn girl. In a patriarchal culture, much of the pressure to “succeed” will be put on the males, especially the firstborn. All kinds of other variables play a role, and yet the basic drama is predictable, and if we are unconscious of these dynamics we live them out all our lives. We will say of our habits acquired from birth order, “this is just me.” It is a drama of nurture (the environment), not nature (DNA). If we are aware, we can start to make choices. If you are firstborn, you can resist your tendency to get anxious if you don’t do things yourself. You can begin to rely on other people more than you did as a kid. You can stop “dealing with it” and start respecting your full range of emotions. As middle child (or only second) you can stop trying to prove yourself and stop gravitating toward people with firstborn behaviors in the hopes they will finally approve of you. The same basic drama is true for last borns. As an only child you can stop overusing being alone as a coping strategy. Just because you are comfortable with being alone, doesn’t mean you don’t also value relationships. If you want to relate you may have to overcome habitual thoughts that will pop into your mind if there is tension between you and another such as, “I don’t mind being alone.” If you put your mind to it you can learn how to tolerate relationships even when they aren’t perfect. All of the above are only potential patterns, and it is up to you to connect your own dots and derive your own implications. The first step is awareness. The second is not just to settle for “This is just the way I am.” The third is to make your own choices about how you want to be.

38 • EQ Theory There is something in every one of you that waits and listens for the sound of the genuine in yourself. It is the only true guide you will ever have. And if you cannot hear it, you will all of your life spend your days on the ends of strings that somebody else pulls. Howard Thurman (Crosby et al., 2019, p10)

My father used to draw the graphic at the start of this chapter in the Kurt Lewin style T-​group-​based emotional intelligence workshops he led.

FIGURE 3.4

Dad at a flipchart.

Dad’s graphic only included the words “ego” and “essence.” I have added the others. Here is the graphic again.

EQ Hierarchy Level One—Self-Awareness  •  39

FIGURE 3.5

Ego and essence.

As mentioned, my premise is that our essence is the state we are born in, with a completely open mind and complete congruence between what we feel and what we reveal to others. With the passage of time, our ego or self-​ image develops. It is the ego, or self-​image, that we are protecting anytime we are defensive or in denial, and anytime we are rigidly attached to our beliefs and opinions. It is not our essence. At our essence remains a completely open mind, the same open mind that learned to walk and talk unhampered by ego (it is ego that worries about how you look when you are trying something new, ego that defends, ego that clings to habits, and ego that closes our mind to new information). An open-​minded adult can set aside their ego, reclaim that essence, and unlock their potential. In the passage from infancy to adulthood, everyone acquires their own unique set of strengths and weaknesses (which are often one’s overdone strengths: I’m willing to speak up—​I talk too much; I’m thoughtful—​I don’t speak up enough, etc.). If you trust too much, or if you trust too little, there are consequences. Reclaiming in a conscious manner the open slate you were born with, in terms of objectivity about your beliefs and your patterns of behavior is vital to your growth as a human being and to your becoming.

40 • EQ Theory Father puts it this way in his book, Get Unstuck from Fundamentalism: Psychologists estimate that by the end of early childhood the average person has had twenty-​five thousand hours of … programming from parents or whomever is doing the child rearing. (Plenty of these) were never anything more than the reflective behaviors of caregivers stumbling along (and intending their best).1 Emotional development has been enriched or thwarted by this time and is carried into adult life. Touch is viewed differently. In many cultures, as in Italy, I can easily greet a man with a kiss on both cheeks. Not so in America. The obscuring of one’s essence is further evidenced in the teen years by conformity in dress styles and in “what’s hip” and what isn’t. Teens live in conformity with their parents’ expectations, or are in reaction to them and live in conformance with peers and the influence of the media. Such secondhand learnings prepare us to live as (hopefully) decent citizens in our culture. They are crucial to our development. But they are not who we are! Unless one addresses the shrinking of the essence (A), one will go through life primarily wearing masks that reflect secondhand learnings. I may live my entire life thinking that this is who I am: I am my clothes. I am my job. I am my bank account. I am my political, social, and religious beliefs. Therefore, I never really live—​never experience my own true being—​my Real-​Self—​my essence! I do not know the man so bold He dare in lonely place That awful stranger Consciousness Deliberately face. Emily Dickinson (Crosby, 2005, p12) Follow your bliss. The heroic life is living the individual adventure. There is no security in following the call to adventure. Nothing is exciting if you know what the outcome is going to be … You enter the forest at the darkest point, where there is no path. Where there is a way or path, it is someone else’s path.

1 Father’s friend and colleague (and mine, as well as a mentor) Lutheran Pastor turned OD master John Scherer wrote this first paragraph.

EQ Hierarchy Level One—Self-Awareness  •  41 You are not on your own path. If you follow someone else’s way, you are not going to realize your potential. Joseph Campbell (Campbell, 1991, p22)

PLAYFULNESS The capacity for playfulness is embedded in the mammalian brain. It is a capacity we share with the mammals on the planet. It differentiates us from the limits of our reptilian brain. Reptiles don’t know how to play. When relationships are chronically tense, the absence of play is a clue. “Play” becomes limited to sarcasm and cruelty, which are not really forms of play at all. Don’t lose your playfulness. Sing a song, dance a dance, play with a child, have fun with your work. Let your inner child flow. As Willie Wonka put it: A little nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest men. Roald Dahl, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

As Edwin Friedman put it: What also contributes to this loss of perspective is the disappearance of playfulness, an attribute that originally evolved with mammals and which is an ingredient in both intimacy and the ability to maintain distance. You can, after all, play with your pet cat, horse, or dog, but it is absolutely impossible to develop a playful relationship with a reptile, whether it is your pet salamander, no matter how cute, or your pet turtle, snake, or alligator. They are deadly serious (that is purposive) creatures. Chronically anxious families (including institutions and whole societies) tend to mimic the reptilian response: lacking the capacity to be playful, their perspective is narrow. Lacking perspective, their repertoire of responses is thin. Neither apology nor forgiveness is within their ken. When they try to work things out, their meetings wind up as brain-​stem storming sessions. Indeed, in any family or organization, seriousness is so commonly an attribute of the most anxious (read “difficult”) members that they can quite appropriately be considered to be functioning out of a reptilian regression. Broadening the perspective, the relationship between anxiety and

42 • EQ Theory seriousness is so predictable that the absence of playfulness in any institution is almost always a clue to the degree of its emotional regression. In an atmosphere where everything is dire, a vicious cycle develops as a loss of playfulness destroys perspective. (Friedman, 1999, p63)

Genuinely friendly playfulness is vital to EQ. Toward the close of his life, Black Elk, a shaman of the Oglala Sioux, often fell to all fours to play with toddlers. “We have much in common,” he said. “They have just come from the Great Mysterious and I am about to return to it.” (Huston, 1991, p428)

4 EQ Hierarchy Level Two—​Empathy

Listen or thy tongue will keep thee deaf.

Native American Proverb

Empathy, like self-​management, is also dependent on self-​awareness. If you aren’t able to accurately tune in to your own emotions, you are unlikely to be able to understand and empathize with the emotions of others. Empathy can be broken down further into four sub-​capacities, starting with the following:

COMPASSION—​GENUINELY CARING Empathy starts with actually caring about others, about what they feel, what they think, what they want, and about the circumstances they are facing. Actual compassion is more important than any skill. Human beings are members of a whole, In creation of one essence and soul. If one member is afflicted with pain, Other members uneasy will remain. If you’ve no sympathy for human pain, The name of human you cannot retain! The Persian poet Saadi in The Ghazal In a common Tibetan meditation on compassion you view all sentient beings as if they were your mother, bearing in mind that in some past life

43

44 • EQ Theory they all must have actually been your mother. This is done to arouse a sense of affection and gratitude by focusing on the person who has shown you the greatest love and compassion. B. Alan Wallace in dialogue with the Dalai Lama (Goleman, 2003, p143) The technical definition of compassion is the wish that others may be free from suffering and the causes of suffering, while love is defined as the wish that others be happy and find the causes for happiness. Matthieu Ricard in dialogue with the Dalai Lama (Goleman, 2003, p143)

ACCURACY—​GETTING WHAT THEY MEAN This capacity is just what it sounds like. When you attempt to understand what others want, think, and feel, how accurate is your understanding? One reliable way to increase your accuracy is through an active listening skill called paraphrasing. This is not parroting back someone’s words, but rather letting them know what you think they mean. Perception check, telling a person your hunch about how they are feeling emotionally, is another means for checking the accuracy of your understanding, with the added benefit of communicating to the other that you are paying attention. Paradoxically, to really listen, you have to be active. Actively listen by paraphrasing (letting the other know what you think they mean) and asking questions to make sure you truly understand. If your habit is to focus more on being heard, rather than on listening, control your habit. As Stephen Covey put it, “seek first to understand …”

OPEN MIND—​RESPECTING DIFFERENCES Emancipate yourself from mental slavery. None but ourselves can free our minds. Bob Marley (1945–​1981) singing the words of Marcus Garvey (1887–​1940)

EQ Hierarchy Level Two—Empathy  •  45 Oh Great Spirit, help me always to speak the truth quietly, to listen with an open mind when others speak, and to remember the peace that may be found in silence. Cherokee Prayer

John Wallen, the author of Chapter 8’s The Interpersonal Gap, points out that if all we focus on is our own opinions than we are over attached to what we already “know.” The only way to learn something from social interaction is to really find out what others think, want, and feel. As Wallen put it: It should be obvious that when you and I interact, each of us views our own and the other’s actions in a different frame of reference. We see our own actions in the light of our own intentions, but we see the other’s actions not in light of the other person’s intentions but in the effect on us. This is the principle of partial information—​each party to an interaction has different and partial information that creates a gap in understanding. Bridging this interpersonal gap requires that each person fathom how the other sees the interaction.

This takes intention and skill. If I am only focused on what I already believe and we have differences, I am limiting my options to fight or flight. Many people are so uncomfortable with differences that they either quickly change the subject in order to maintain “peace,” or they lock into debate mode in order to protect their own egos. Both habits are driven by fear and potentially damage relationships and limit the quality of communication. If your habit is to avoid, the path forward is to be aware during moments of intensity, ground yourself, find your courage, and engage both through active listening and by conveying what you want, think, and feel. If your habit is to slip into discussion/​debate, the path to more constructive behavior again starts with awareness. According to physicist David Bohm, “discussion … has its roots with ‘percussion’ and ‘concussion,’ literally a heaving of ideas back and forth in a winner-​takes-​all competition” (Senge, 1990, p240). Both parties are working hard, perhaps without even realizing it, to ensure that their way of thinking is the right way of thinking, or the right way to proceed. In a discussion, people tend to listen only enough to gain ammunition from what the other is saying. They aren’t listening to understand. Their ego is attached to whatever they are trying to get across, and

46 • EQ Theory if the other party doesn’t accept it, it will be a blow. Both may feel injured by, and indignant about, the other’s behavior. Instead of listening, both are spending most of their time formulating their next statements while the other is speaking, and may have worked on their opening statements for hours or days prior to the interaction. It’s almost like there are two monologues going on simultaneously, with each party only pausing while the other speaks, and doing their best to look attentive while they occupy themselves with what to say next. Ironically, both care so much about being heard that the odds of either getting their message across are low, since neither are focused on really listening. At the end of a discussion, the participants often “agree to disagree,” since they realize that they are getting nowhere. They are likely to part ways frustrated, both believing (and probably being correct) that the other didn’t get the message, and both blaming the other for being unreasonable. It is a cocreated waste of time and energy, damaging to any relationship. It is also common practice to defend such behavior with statements such as, “everyone likes a healthy debate!” Debate is fine in the right time and place. It is closed-​minded and a cause of tension as a habit. The alternative to discussion is straightforward. The first step is to notice the pattern. The second step is to choose to be different in the interaction. The key difference, as Covey’s full quote puts it, is to “seek first to understand, than to be understood” (Covey, 1989, p273). Don’t “seek to understand” as a means to an end (i.e., as a clever way to get them to listen so that you can get back to the agenda of being understood). You’ll distract yourself if you aren’t genuine in your intent. Do your best to really understand the perspective of the other as an end unto itself. Clear your thoughts and listen. As the Greek sage Pythagoras (580 BC–​500 BC) put it, Learn to be silent. Let your quiet mind listen and absorb.

(Dyer, 1998, p1)

Stop preparing your next statements. Trust that you will know what to say if you need to say something. … do not worry about what to say or how to say it. At that time you will be given what to say. Jesus (Matthew 10:19)

EQ Hierarchy Level Two—Empathy  •  47 Paraphrase, paraphrase, paraphrase! What do you think they are they really trying to say? Put yourself in their shoes. What’s the whole picture of what they’re trying to put across, including, perhaps, the difficulties they may be having dealing with you? Set your ego aside! Make sure that you really understand and that they can see it. You will learn things this way, and they may—​and I mean “may,” not “will”—​also want to understand you in return. But don’t get attached to “needing” that. Seek to understand, and it’s likely you’ll find the experience of understanding is its own reward. Bohm calls a two-​way focus on exploring each other’s ideas and perspective “dialogue.” In his words, “the word dialogue comes from the Greek dialogos. Dia means through. Logos means the word, or more broadly, the meaning … the original meaning … was … a free flow of meaning between people” (Senge, 1990, p240). This is a rich experience when reciprocated, but you will only have such reciprocal experiences, dancing the dance of dialogue, if you start with yourself and genuinely work to understand the other. In discussion, people are consumed with getting heard. In dialogue, people focus on making sure they understand, and on building on each other’s contributions. Contrary to the image of creative breakthroughs occurring in isolation while a genius labors away in a lab, physicist Werner Heisenberg argues that such dialogue may be the key to scientific progress. “Science is rooted in conversations. The cooperation of different people may culminate in scientific results of the utmost importance” (Senge, 1990, p238). Creativity may happen both ways, but even the solitary genius builds on the ideas of others. As Sir Isaac Newton put it, “If I have seen farther it is by standing on the shoulders of giants” (Hawking, 2002, p725).

INTERACTION—​CONVEYING EMPATHY The final subcategory is given life by mixing the behaviors of accuracy, compassion, and an open mind (as described above). In short, emotional intelligence is a disciplined awareness of and respect for emotion in self and in others, which in turn allows for more rational management of emotional moments. EQ is, in essence, about relationships. Individuals with low EQ, even if they have high IQ, will

48 • EQ Theory almost certainly have trouble at work and in their personal lives due to difficulty relating to others. Individuals with high EQ are much more likely to be at peace with themselves and with others and to be working toward increasing the harmony in their lives. The following skills are part of that journey.

5 EQ Hierarchy Level Three—​Skills

SELF-​CALMING As mentioned, the ability to calm down during times of emotional intensity is a tangible and practical EQ skill. Emotional intensity is a physiological state, in which the adrenal and other glands are pumping stress hormones into the body so as to fully activate the system. It takes time to deactivate this process. The sooner you notice intensity building, the sooner you begin to intervene, and the easier it is to return to a calmer state. The advantage of catching emotion at a lower level of intensity underscores again the importance of self-​awareness. It is far more manageable to deal with feelings of anger, fear, anxiety, etc., when emotional intensity is low. It is far more difficult when emotional intensity is high. Once the intensity is high, it is very tempting to act on emotions. It becomes easy to rationalize, or justify to oneself, being irrational. Once the intensity is high, even when you do catch yourself and begin to de-​escalate, it takes longer to clear the hormones from your system, and you remain prone to new escalations of intensity. Paying attention to emotions when they are small gives you more capacity to choose your behavior. You may choose to let someone know you are serious about something. You may choose to let them know you are happy with something they have done (study after study indicates that people don’t hear that enough, either at home or at work). You may choose to do your best to hide what you are feeling, which is sometimes the best choice. Everything is a judgment call, but you only have these choices if you are aware of your emotional state. 49

50 • EQ Theory Paying attention to emotions when they are small has an additional payoff. As mentioned, the very act of describing your emotions, either silently or aloud, to some extent shifts the locus of brain activity from the limbic system (or mammalian/​emotional center) to the neocortex. It is an immediate calming technique or, to borrow a term used in the treatment of panic attacks and anxiety disorders, a way to begin “grounding” oneself. Once you recognize the need, you can further ground yourself with deep breathing, by focusing on tensing and releasing muscles, by firmly planting your feet on the floor, by conjuring the memory of someone you admire, and so on. Google the word “grounding” and you will see that there are endless possibilities. The important thing is to find a method that works for you and apply it in emotionally intense situations. Here is an example from the Buddhist Monk, Thich Nhat Hanh: Conscious Breathing There are a number of breathing techniques you can use to make life vivid and more enjoyable. The first exercise is very simple. As you breath in you say to yourself, “Breathing in, I know that I am breathing in.” And as you breath out say, “Breathing out I know that I am breathing out.” Just that. You recognize your in-​breath as in-​breath and your out-​breath as an out-​breath. You don’t even need to recite the whole sentence; you can use just two words: “In” and “Out.” This technique can help you keep your mind on your breath. As you practice, your breath will become peaceful and gentle, and your mind and body will also become peaceful and gentle. This is not a difficult exercise. In just a few minutes you can realize the fruit of meditation. To me, breathing is a joy that I cannot miss. (Hanh, 1991, p8)

He continues (Hanh, 1991, p10): There are so many exercises we can do to help us breath consciously. Besides the simple “In-​Out” exercise, we can recite these four lines silently as we breathe in and out: Breathing in, I calm my body. Breathing out, I smile. Dwelling in the present moment, I know this is a wonderful moment!

EQ Hierarchy Level Three—Skills  •  51

ACTIVE LISTENING We have touched on active listening as skills for “Empathy Accuracy” and an “Open Mind.” As the name denotes, active listening is not passive. It requires speaking and at times interrupting if you really want to understand what another means. If all you know is what you think it means in your head, you are not actively listening. The only way to know for certain that you understood, or to discover that you misunderstood some or all of what another means, is to check your understanding with them. Verbalizing what you think they meant is called paraphrasing. Active listening requires mindful focus and so it is an effective grounding skill when your emotional intensity goes up.

FEELING DESCRIPTION Feeling description is describing your emotions with words. It is a skill that takes conscious effort to learn and to remember to do, but is as simple as completing the sentence “I feel _​_​_​_​_​.” Simple, except a cultural norm (in every culture I have been in!) is to finish that sentence with “I feel that _​_​_​_​_​” and then offer thoughts instead of describing emotion. Feeling description sticks with emotion (happy, sad, mad, afraid, etc.), and is a way to separate thinking and feeling, as well as to convey emotion with words instead of only expressing emotion through behavior. Humans are constantly expressing emotion through behavior, mostly unconsciously. Sitting calmly, pacing about, speaking, being silent; all behavior is an expression of emotion. The question is which? Often it is more or less easy to guess at what another is feeling, but feeling description is the most direct path to emotional clarity for yourself and for others, when you want such clarity. Feeling description even in thought alone (instead of out loud) is also a form of mindfulness that shifts activity from the emotional center of the brain to the thinking center. Hence, like active listening, it is an effective grounding skill when your emotional intensity goes up.

52 • EQ Theory

CONFLICT SKILLS It’s easy for emotional intensity to go up if you believe you are in conflict. Social scientist Kurt Lewin talks about conflict arising when there are competing goals. I think that can even happen within an individual. Tension will result. Lewin also speaks of the level of tension in a group, and its effect upon the individual. It is wise, of course, to pay extra attention to your own emotional intensity and take extra steps to calm yourself when the level of tension in the social system you are in is on the rise. To borrow words from the 17th century sermon of Englishman John Donne, “No human is an emotional island.” As Lewin puts it (Lewin, 1997, p187), behavior is a function of personality and the environment: B = F(P,E) The General Conditions of Conflict Experimental studies on individuals and groups show that one of the most important factors in the frequency of conflict and in the building up of an emotional outbreak is the general level of tension at which the person or group lives (see Figure 5.1). Whether or not a particular event will lead to a conflict depends largely on the tension level or on the social atmosphere in the group. Among the causes for tension the following may be listed as outstanding: 1. The degree to which the needs of a person are in a state of hunger or satisfaction. A need in the state of hunger means not only that a particular region within the person is under tension but also that the person as a whole is on a higher tension level. This holds particularly for basic needs, such as sex or security. 2. The amount of space of free movement of the person. Too small a space of free movement generally leads to a high state of tension. This has been shown in experiments with anger and with democratic and autocratic group atmosphere. In an autocratic atmosphere the tension is much higher, resulting in apathy or aggression. 3. Outer barrier. Tension or conflict lead frequently to a tendency to leave the unpleasant situation. If this is possible, no high tension will

EQ Hierarchy Level Three—Skills  •  53

FIGURE 5.1

Tension in situation of frustration and narrow space of free movement. Source: Lewin (1997, p72).

develop. Lack of freedom to leave the situation as a result of either an “outer barrier” or an inner bond greatly favors the development of high tension and conflict. 4. Within the group life conflicts depend upon the degree to which the goals of the members contradict each other, and upon the readiness to consider the other person’s point of view. Mel Brooks in the comedy of the same name had “High Anxiety.” Lewin showed that if you are a minority in a system you are bound to have high anxiety. You are likely to want to fit in to the majority, which is tenuous at best if the system is based on racism, sexism, or any other ism, and you are likely to simultaneously want to maintain your relationship with the minority. Furthermore, you are probably going to be sick and tired of everybody. And if you are part of the majority, you will likely feel smug, guilty, defensive, and a variety of other emotions depending on how you view the inequitable system in which you live. Inequality creates emotional issues, emotional sickness, for all. Some causes of emotionality require social change.

54 • EQ Theory Even in an egalitarian and relatively utopian system, people will come under pressure. Understanding that people under pressure, including you, are more prone to conflict is an example of systems thinking. Moments of increased pressure, such as the COVID-​19 pandemic which is still raging at the time of this writing, are moments when it is especially important to take care of self with calming techniques, including rest, good food, and exercise, and it is equally important to be kind and patient with others. There is much more that could be said about conflict but the basic skills are already included here. As Thich Nhat Hahn puts it, “peace is every step.” Ground yourself in the EQ Hierarchy and you will increase your capacity to calm yourself and relate to others when there are real or perceived differences.

SYSTEMS THINKING Everything is everything.

Lauryn Hill

Rastafarians, the inspiration for Lauryn’s lyrics, believe everything is connected. Seeing those connections is a core Crosby-​style EQ skill. Every relationship is a system. If I am tense, you will probably be tense. If I am calm, you will probably be calmer. If I make peace within myself, I will increase peace. If I make war, by focusing my energy on why you are wrong and why I am righteous in my indignation, I will have war. If I want peace, I had better work on my skills of empathy, even when (especially when) I feel defensive. If I want the dance to change, I have to change the dance. Systems thinking goes further. The inner guidance system from Chapter 3 is a systems thinking model. The fusion of the past into the present is a system. Differentiation calms the inner system. Edwin Friedman’s self-​differentiated leadership requires being a step-​down transformer in the organizational emotional system. When intensity goes up, the unaware leader escalates the tension. The emotionally intelligent leader, in contrast, calms the system.

EQ Hierarchy Level Three—Skills  •  55 You can be strong and be a source of calm. You can be a force of change and be a source of calm. Be a source of calm in the emotional systems in which you live. Because everything IS everything, there will be more systems thinking in Chapter 9. We have been given the duty to live in balance and harmony with each other and all living things. Haudenosaunee Thanksgiving Address1 When the labor of the many supports the happiness of the few, such “happiness” only conceals misery. Lao Tzu (Tzu, 2018, p58)

1 Excerpt from the Mohawk version of the Haudenosaunee Thanksgiving Address which was developed, published in 1993, and provided, courtesy of the Six Nations Indian Museum and the Tracking Project

6 Cognition and Emotion (Cause and Effect)

Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom. Viktor Frankl (Frankl, 1949)

Emotion is triggered by how we view the world, not by the world itself. Even in extreme circumstances, some will be calm while others panic. I would rather be calm, and the study of EQ has helped me in that direction. The more I am aware of the role my own mind plays in the frequency and intensity of the emotions I feel, the calmer I am in situations that used to trigger emotions I am less fond of. This text assumes that you share similar goals and provides a combination of thoughts and behaviors to help achieve more peace. As Thich Nhat Hanh puts it in his book, Peace is Every Step, finding peace happens in every moment, every action, every thought. As cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) shows us, taking small consistent steps forward is the most likely path toward achieving big goals, such as reacting in anger less often. The comedy movie What About Bob?, loosely based on CBT, actually conveys the same message: “Baby steps. Baby steps.” Being calmly present is not only important for one’s own emotional and spiritual health, but it is also vital to effectiveness in organizations. Again, in this way of thinking every system, every relationship at home and at work is an emotional system, and every person is either helping calm that system or adding to the intensity. Leadership, at home or at work more than anything else is about being a calming presence, especially in moments of crisis. That of course depends on one’s own EQ, or lack thereof. 57

58 • EQ Theory Let us return to Jesus on the Mount, and one of his most important EQ messages: Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the same measure you use, it will be measured to you. (Matthew 7:2)

Imagine if you will, a crisis. Now imagine a leader whose first impulse is to focus on who is to blame. The entire organization will be focused on the same. People, groups, and entire locations will be focused on how they look. Attempts to understand will be watered down by defensiveness and scapegoating. Fear and anger will supersede trust and care. And most will silently resent the leader while keeping their mouths shut. In systemic terms the leader is having the biggest influence on the emotionality of the system, while almost certainly criticizing others for behaviors such as defensiveness and (more often than not, unwittingly) passing the buck. They will seek individual cures to systemic problems, by swapping out personnel and shuffling the structure of the organization, cures which will not impact the root cause—​their own behavior. Their judgment that individuals are incompetent will be fertile ground for others to pass judgment on them in the same way. People do the same when they swap out spouses. Theories of causation are very important in emotional intelligence. We all have theories of causation, but many of us are unaware that we are operating off such theories and that the theories more often than not are seriously flawed. John Wallen’s Interpersonal Gap communication model coming up in Chapter 8 helps illustrate causation of emotion and the role of judgment in interpersonal relationships. In a nutshell it is our judgment (interchangeable in this usage with perception or interpretation) of what others say and do that triggers our immediate emotional reaction. If I judge you as being helpful to me by speaking up, I will like your behavior. If I judge you as being disrespectful to me by speaking up, I will dislike your behavior. It’s that simple, and yet most people blame others if they are having emotions they don’t like. “You made me mad,” is a displacement of causation. “The way I perceived what you said triggered anger inside me,” is far more accurate.

Cognition and Emotion (Cause and Effect)  •  59 “The earth is at the center of the universe,” used to be a common belief. Galileo was tried by the Inquisition for challenging it. “You made me feel” is a common (mistaken) belief today. You make yourself feel, based on your own perception of others (please don’t rat me out to the Inquisition for saying so!).

7 Attachment and Detachment

The final mastery is to give up being what you are not. That’s the end of the struggle! Joseph Campbell

Attachment is an emotional issue. Human beings, like the vast majority of mammals, are social animals. As Lewis, Amini, and Lannon demonstrate in their groundbreaking work, A General Theory of Love, we need relatively calm and stable attachments to our initial caregivers in order to develop into emotionally stable adults. Indeed, without attachments, infants simply wither and die, even if all their other needs are met. As we shall see, the limbic (or mammalian) portion of our brain literally needs attachment and interaction in order to survive and thrive. The ability to manage attachments, the first learning process in life (before we have any ability to think), is at the core of emotional health and intelligence. Can you connect without being too needy, or losing your sense of self? Can you maintain distance without being either too anxious or too distant? These dances of togetherness and separateness, noted long ago by Murray Bowen, are at the core of social success and strife, both at home and at work. Detachment, the capacity to be in relationship to others and to the world without getting attached, is a key EQ capacity and is at the core of many spiritual practices. Not to desire material things is to know the freedom of spirituality; and to desire them is to suffer the limitations of matter. Yet these two things, matter and spirit, so different in nature, have the same origin. This unity is the mystery of mysteries, and the gateway to spirituality. Lao Tzu (Tzu, 2018, p1)

61

62 • EQ Theory Detachment from our thoughts is critical to objectivity. Always within me is the rumor that I may be wrong! … and that’s my growing edge. Howard Thurman (Crosby et al., 2019, p14)

If you are too attached to what you think, you will cling to your beliefs. As Eckhart Tolle puts it: The philosopher Descartes believed that he had found the most fundamental truth when he made his famous statement: “I think therefore I am.” He had, in fact, given expression to the most basic error: to equate thinking with Being and identity with thinking. (Tolle, 1999, p12) So when you listen to a thought, you are aware not only of the thought but also of yourself as the witness of the thought. A new dimension of consciousness has come in. (Tolle, 1999, p15) So the single most vital step on your journey towards enlightenment is this: learn to disidentify from your mind. Every time you create a gap in the stream of mind, the light of your consciousness grows stronger. (Tolle, 1999, p17)

Detachment from our thoughts is essential if we are to be objective about the cause-​and-​effect relationship between our own thinking and feeling, and also if we are to truly understand others. Detachment does not require being cold. It requires being calmly present as an observer of our thoughts, feelings, and social relationships. Easier said than done as we are so fused in our own experience that seeing ourselves objectively takes intention, learning, and practice. Every moment is a moment for learning to be calm, present, and detached. Every relationship is an experiential school, if we are willing to learn and reflect on the lessons. The aforementioned dance of togetherness and separateness is at the core of our initial social development. The latest developments in neuroscience substantiate this, documenting the mammalian need for social interaction in order for human beings to survive and thrive during the earliest stages

Attachment and Detachment  •  63 of life. The Holy Roman Emperor Frederick II’s ill-​fated research in the 13th century into what language babies would speak if they were never exposed to the spoken word (he forbade any verbal interaction with the infants in his study) and Rene Spitz’s research in the 1940s on infant care wards (the infants were given everything but human interaction) yielded the same results: the isolation of infants leads to death, even if all other conditions (food, water, and shelter) are met. Similar research with primates substantiates the same conclusions. Without care from a mother, the infant primate declines into despair, viciousness, self-​mutilation, and death. Our brains literally get organized through our interactions and cannot develop in a vacuum. All of the above, disturbing as it is to my sensibilities, none-​the-​less supports a theoretical framework about attachment based on four basic patterns that are (like most patterns) passed on generation to generation. These patterns were identified years ago by a renegade psychiatrist named John Bowlby, but only recently backed up by physical science.

TRUST PATTERN 1: SECURE ATTACHMENT (HIGH TRUST OF SELF, HIGH TRUST OF OTHERS) This pattern is the result of “ideal” parenting. Before we go on, let me acknowledge that the idea that there is such a thing as an “ideal” approach to parenting may be hard to swallow. I can’t help but judge my own parents and my own experience of being a parent (I have two adult sons) when I study this subject. Besides my own emotional subjectivity, cultural influences cloud the topic. None-​the-​less the body of knowledge emerging makes it more and more possible to step back and take a more objective look at the dance of human attachment that begins with birth and unfolds throughout life. Drawing again on Siegel’s The Developing Mind, one study concerns the adult attachment interviews that are occurring worldwide and have been conducted long enough that infants in the original research have now become parents. They are consistently passing on the attachment behaviors they have developed in relationship to their own parents. Not only are these behavioral patterns proving consistent and reliable, but the theory that humans tend to repeat relationship patterns is also being proven. This

64 • EQ Theory reinforces a core tenant of EQ: objective awareness of one’s patterns is essential to further development. Fortunately, even if you haven’t made up your mind about nature versus nurture you can benefit from understanding the behavioral patterns identified by attachment theory. Regardless of how we got them, behavioral patterns apply to us all. Let us start with the pattern known as secure attachment. In this pattern, the theory is that the infant was allowed enough freedom to explore and develop, while secure in a consistently available parent–​infant relationship. They received comfort when distressed but were not stifled by an overly anxious adult. Such secure attachment results in high trust of self and high trust of the others. A secure attachment adult then is relatively calm when others are intense, has faith in the ability to work things out, and tunes into self and into others with equal ease and skill. Such individuals have faith in themselves (can work independently), trust others (can delegate), and can also work interdependently with relative ease. They likely have a balanced focus on self and other, and strong capacity for empathy. They are calm when faced with conflict and relationship tensions. This is a strong relationship orientation from which to lead. Famous leaders through history have had a strong streak of this behavioral set. Two of my personal heroes, General George Patton and Mahatma Gandhi, share the traits of secure attachment, even though their means to achieving their ends (violence versus nonviolence) sharply contrast. Both were leaders who set clear direction and yet were able to genuinely identify with and connect with their followers without giving in to their followers’ fears. Such respect for self, coupled with respect for others, is a solid EQ foundation. As my father likes to point out, Jesus didn’t just say “Love thy neighbor.” He said, “Love thy neighbor as you love yourself ” (Matthew 22:39). You have to love yourself to have the capacity to love others. Does this make an adult with secure attachment traits some sort of flawless human being? Of course not. We all have our foibles and blind spots, some of which emerge from the very traits that make us strong. For example, the secure attachment behavioral pattern could result at times in too much trust in the self and/​or the other. Such an individual may not seek or provide expertise and oversight when it is needed, and their trust may occasionally be taken advantage of. The scenarios each of us face are too ambiguous and ever-​changing for there to be a foolproof way to be.

Attachment and Detachment  •  65 Nonetheless, a tendency toward high respect for self and for others is a spiritually sound way of being that is well worth pursuing. Before describing the remaining attachment patterns, it’s worth noting that you may recognize more than one and possibly all four traits in yourself. I certainly do, even though testing (via an instrument I endorse called the EQ Profile) places me predominately in the secure attachment category. That makes sense to me. My parents were both quite stable and loving, and the historical period in which I was raised was relatively stable (no wars or natural disasters struck our homes directly, for example). No family system, however, is that simple. I have two older siblings, and two younger ones, and coupled with dad’s frequent absence (for work travel—​a pattern I repeated), I was certainly not living in some controlled bubble of parental responsiveness. In other words, it doesn’t take dramatic parental dysfunction for an infant to get less than ideal parenting. If you’re a parent you know that from your own experience. What’s important is to recognize the relationship patterns we adapted so we can understand how they impact trust in our current relationships and so that we can intentionally continue our development.

TRUST PATTERN 2: AVOIDANT ATTACHMENT (HIGH TRUST OF SELF, LOW TRUST OF OTHERS) Avoidant attachment stems from too much independence as an infant. For whatever reason (and there could be millions: another sibling being born nine months later, for example), the child had to fend for themselves at times when they would have preferred being comforted and cared for. That surely happens to all humans to some extent, and is healthy and important in the process of teaching us to cope with life’s challenges. In the avoidant attachment situation, the bowl of comforting and care was too small, and the serving of independence too large to foster secure attachment (high trust self and other). Birth order comes back into play here, as avoidant attachment is often the fate of firstborns. Due to a combination of parental expectations and parental distraction by the ensuing offspring, firstborns tend to become highly self-​reliant both emotionally (by being distant) and in terms of responsibility. Since we are likely to repeat patterns especially if we are unaware of them,

66 • EQ Theory it is likely that avoidant attachment adults will attract anxious attachment adults (the next category), repeating the dynamics they had with their younger siblings. At work they will be highly responsible and self-​motivated performers but also likely to struggle with the requirement of connection if they are in a supervisory position or have interdependent work relationships. Because of their performance as individual contributors, they are likely to advance into leadership positions, where they will bring the same patterns into play. The psychological concepts of rationalization and projection are important to EQ and are useful and easily illustrated here. We all do both. Whatever our behavioral tendencies, we will rationalize them (they will make sense to us—​ everyone can explain/​ defend their own behavior) and we will tend to judge others by our own way of being and thinking (projection). Taking projection further, if I’m feeling angry and don’t realize it, I may think that you are feeling angry. If I begin to notice my own anger, I may think that you are to blame for causing it. Now we are back in the concept of fusion of self and other from Bowen’s inner guidance system. Another common form of projection is for one person to assume that a whole system has the same thoughts and feelings they do. One reactive person can hijack an entire system by offering the only “feedback.” They may begin to influence others who were not clear about their own stand, especially if the leadership lacks differentiation. In family systems terms, systems tend to organize around the least functional members. A predictable projection by people with avoidant attachment tendencies is to expect others to function in their own highly independent manner. They may resent needing to provide any more guidance than they would want to receive and may judge others as flawed if they do not respond to the same minimalist approach. In other words, their quantity of communication may be considerably less than what is desired by their subordinates and peers (and siblings and spouses). Instead of managing differences through regular ongoing conversations, they will likely only give negative feedback once their frustration level has grown to a high level of intensity. By then, it will likely be an unpleasant and unsuccessful outcome for either parties. The odds of a person with avoidant attachment tendencies working issues when they are small or giving positive reinforcement in a timely manner are low.

Attachment and Detachment  •  67 The work ethic of a person with avoidant attachment tendencies, the very thing that helps them rise through a system, is a double-​edged sword. They trust their own ability to get things done and have a hard time relying on others. They will tend to overfunction in their system, and since most systems are dysfunctional, they will be rewarded for it. They will tend to do work their subordinates should do, for example. The problem becomes not so much their own performance, but rather the underperformance of the rest of the system, which becomes overdependent on their heroic efforts. While reinforced in their behavior, they are nonetheless likely to resent the underfunctioning of the rest of the system, and not see their own role in creating the imbalance. This is why it is a vital but poorly understood element of EQ to understand one’s behavioral patterns regarding trust. And this is a good example of why I call this Crosby-​style EQ. I’ve never seen this, or Wallen’s Interpersonal Gap, or Bowen and Friedman’s emotional field and other contributions, or Lewin added to EQ elsewhere, yet each have huge EQ implications. Avoidant attachment tendencies without self-​awareness will almost certainly cause stress for everyone, and underperformance by the rest of the system. A person with avoidant attachment tendencies will have to work hard, and will almost certainly need help, to make adjustments in their behavior. Like anyone, they will only do so if they believe the benefits of the effort will outweigh the consequences of staying the same. That takes a huge leap of faith because they are the ones that seem to be holding things (the current homeostasis) together. Their basic task will be to tune in to others by learning the art of dialogue and active listening, to delegate effectively, to work on root causes rather than only fighting fires, to give positive and negative feedback in a timely manner, and to offer more information. If they see these as a task to master and stick with these and other connection-​related behaviors, they can increase their trust in others and learn to rely on others more. That will eventually be a huge relief and a huge burden off their shoulders. We can all actually rewire own brains in a similar fashion. It’s the essential process that occurs in therapy, but it can occur through any relationships because it is relationship based. Unlike our earliest relationships, from which our tendencies emerged, as an adult we can think about our beliefs and behaviors and begin to make adjustments.

68 • EQ Theory

TRUST PATTERN 3: ANXIOUS ATTACHMENT (LOW TRUST SELF, HIGH TRUST OF OTHERS) Anxious attachment adults are essentially the opposite of avoidant attachment adults, tuning in to others to preserve harmony in relationships even if the harmony is at their own expense. The simplistic explanation of this behavior is too much attention from the caregivers during those first couple of years of life. Again, this could be played out in millions of ways, by loving and well-​intentioned parents, and is also influenced by birth order. Middleborns, surrounded by their siblings, and last borns, looking up to their siblings, are more immersed in relationships than firstborns or onlies, and are consequently more likely to take on anxious attachment traits. Whatever the circumstances (both unique and predictable), the infant did not develop an optimal level of trust in self. On the upside they will be very tuned in to others, they will be good listeners, and they will like relating. This will serve them well in relationships, but only up to a point if they have a hard time tuning into their own needs and standing up for themselves. Such imbalance, often rationalized in the name of harmony, will eventually cause its own kind of tension. Adults with anxious attachment habits will be prone to giving in to others during conflict in order to preserve relationships. Since they project their own traits as the most reasonable traits, they will quietly resent others for not doing the same. These adults are likely to have high anxiety (worrying about how people feel, for example) and high shame (anger turned inward, “It’s my fault”). They will tend to placate, pretending to be happy even when they aren’t, or pretending to agree even when they don’t. This will soothe both parties in the short term but is a long-​term prescription for resentment and burnout. Adults with anxious attachment tendencies will tend to say yes even when they really need to say no. They will resent that others aren’t tuning into them the way they tune into others. They will be excellent listeners but may get paralyzed if they really need to lead. Interestingly, these traits can be intensified by power imbalances, such as the minority experience Lewin writes about in a racist system, or by sexism. It’s easy in a power imbalance to be hyper-​tuned in to perceived threats in the environment, and to underemphasize one’s own needs so as not to draw attention and make waves.

Attachment and Detachment  •  69 Ironically, anxious attachment tendencies will almost certainly increase the anxiety in emotional systems. The anxious attachment person will easily become anxious when the system becomes anxious. Whereas the unaware avoidant attachment person will tend to become a step-​up transformer of anger, the anxious attachment person will tend to escalate worry and fear in a system. Their basic EQ task will be to calm themselves when they get anxious and stand up for what they think, feel, and want more. Whereas they may be stellar at giving positive feedback, they may have to push themselves to give negative feedback in a timely manner. Over time, if they stick with these and other related behaviors, they will learn to trust and stand up for themselves more. They will still be skilled at tuning in but will give in less often. Any kind of change is a lifetime journey, but I have seen many people with anxious attachment tendencies learn to speak for themselves and confront during the experiential learning processes my father and I conduct, and then continue the behavior once they get a taste of it. If the issue is systemic, such as racism and sexism, the more who stand up, the more will be encouraged to do so. Based on similar experiences, and keeping in mind that each individual is unique, I’ve come to believe that it’s easier for an avoidant attachment person to learn to tune in than for an anxious attachment person to learn to step up. The avoidant attachment person, to some extent, only has to learn techniques such as active listening and then consistently apply them to begin to make a real change. The anxious attachment person must overcome fear to take clear stands. This seems to be the tougher task. Both are possible though and well worth pursuing.

TRUST PATTERN 4: DISORGANIZED ATTACHMENT (LOW TRUST SELF, LOW TRUST OTHERS) The disorganized attachment adult faces the biggest challenges. Their early childhood environment was somehow so unpredictable that they didn’t develop optimal trust in themselves or in others. Without that trust, it is difficult to form and sustain relationships. Disorganized attachment is the opposite of secure attachment, and both extremes can happen regardless of birth order. In a calm and loving environment, high trust of self and other

70 • EQ Theory is likely to be engrained. In a chaotic environment, low trust of self and others is likely to overrule other birth order traits. A person with disorganized attachment tendencies will easily be overwhelmed with intense emotion when differences surface. The past will constantly flood the present. The inner guidance system will be fused. They will tend to fall into avoidance behavior, such as keeping to oneself, keeping one’s mouth shut, and/​or anxiously changing the subject and steering away from tension whenever possible. They will likely harbor a disproportionate amount of anger/​blame toward others coupled with feelings of shame/​ inadequacy toward themselves. People with these habits will understandably gravitate toward professions where they can essentially be “left alone.” They may be bright and highly skilled in such positions, as impaired EQ has no correlation to impairment of IQ. However, such occupations are rare. For example, seemingly standalone occupations such as engineering or accounting place one right into the thick of industrial relationships in a manufacturing environment. In any organization, everyone must relate cross-​functionally and to their boss if they are to be effective. And in most organizations, competent individual contributors are promoted into supervision, where they now have to deal with being an authority figure. These adults will face a steep climb if they want to learn to tune into themselves or into others. Left to their own habits they will have a hard time staying in relationships and will avoid conflict like the plague. Conversely, once in a relationship, they may stay come hell or high water, no matter how bad the relationship becomes. They will need supportive coaching coupled with a stable long-​term work or personal relationships to rewire their brain (allowing time for trust), but it can be done. In sum, during the first 2 years of life, the brain gets wired by the dance of separateness and attachment, and then we repeat the pattern habitually throughout life. Trust and our attitude about trust doesn’t happen randomly. Our early family and social environment is a huge influence on our habits regarding trust. We can only mature beyond these early patterns by becoming aware of them and then doing the hard work of changing our habits. Like an athlete changing their motion, such experimentation will feel awkward and unnatural. Personality theory fools us into thinking our habits are “who we are.” Our reptilian brain, always on the alert for danger, perceives change, even change we are attempting, as a threat, and sends the alarm to the emotional and cognitive centers in the brain. We become

Attachment and Detachment  •  71 anxious. We have doubts. It is tempting to give up and go back to what we are used to. This is the challenge with any behavioral change. Don’t give up. Be as accurate about the four patterns (and any and all of your other beliefs and habits) as possible. Push yourself to make small adjustments and to not be a willing slave to your patterns. To recap, the four attachment theory patterns are: Trust Pattern 1: Secure attachment (interdependent)—​high trust of self and others Trust Pattern 2: Avoidant attachment (independent)—​overly focused on self, low trust of others Trust Pattern 3: Insecure attachment (dependent)—​overly focused on others, low trust of self Trust pattern 4: Unstable attachment—​low trust of self and others. Understanding these four patterns, while potentially useful, is not my main reason for sharing them with you. More important is to once again challenge the belief that “personality” is fixed. Such a belief closes the mind. In contrast, the belief that personality is a collection of habitual beliefs and behaviors which you can alter in significant ways creates a world of possibilities. The more accurate your understanding of your beliefs and behaviors, the more you can be the way you want to be. Recognizing your current habits is freeing. Thinking of your current habits as “who you are” is in itself a habit that gets in the way. Trust is also a good example of where the inner guidance system blends with culture (which is a field) and the emotional system. If I have mistrust of authority figures due to early experiences and I live in a culture that reinforces my mistrust of authority then I will have confirmation bias that quickly lends itself to distrusting the bosses and the politicians I am dealing with. Furthermore, if the leadership in the system actually doesn’t trust the people in the organization or the nation, the emotional field will overflow with distrust. If a ruler lacks faith, so will the people.

Lao Tzu (Tzu, 2018, p17)

If my habit is distrust, I think it is wise to distrust my habit. Not completely of course, but to question it. Otherwise you will find it difficult to

72 • EQ Theory be an effective leader or follower. Accepting yourself as you are by working toward accurate self-​awareness is the starting point. I have faith that by this point (if not earlier in your life) you would agree that achieving as much accuracy about yourself as possible is far wiser than clinging to an inaccurate self-​image. Now let us turn to two of my favorite sources of EQ wisdom, my father’s colleague John Wallen and his Interpersonal Gap model, and don Jose Ruiz’s interpretation of the ancient Toltec Mayan “five agreements.”

8 Behavioral Science Meets the Toltec Mayans

Although they never met, John Wallen and don Miguel Ruiz are clearly kindred spirits. With their writing, both illuminate the power that subjective perception holds over our emotional lives. Wallen drew the process this way:

FIGURE 8.1

The Interpersonal Gap.

A difference between intent and impact equals a “gap.” Filter #1: Sender’s beliefs and habits regarding how to translate intentions into words and actions. Filter #2: Receiver’s interpretation/​judgment (beliefs/​theories/​stories) about what sender’s behavior really means. In short, Wallen’s theory is that each of us has intentions in every interaction (we intend a certain impact), we translate (or encode) our 73

74 • EQ Theory intentions into words and actions, the people we are interacting with translate (decode) our words and actions, and the decoding determines the initial emotional impact. Our perception of the other(s) is creating our emotional response! What is perception? Perception in this sense is cognitive and relies on words. We use words to describe ourselves and we use words to describe others. This is true even if we keep the words to ourselves by thinking them but not speaking them. We create our subjective reality through words and so the first agreement of the Toltec Mayans according to don Miguel Ruiz is to “Be impeccable with your word.” As Ruiz puts it, to be impeccable: You never use the words of gossip about yourself or just spread emotional poison by gossiping about other people. Gossiping is the main form of communication in human society … When we are children, we hear the adults around us gossiping about themselves, and giving their opinions about other people, including people they don’t even know. But now you are aware that our opinions are not the truth; They are just a point of view. (Ruiz et al. 2010, p38)

When we don’t like what someone has done or said it is easy to forget that our perceptions “are just a point of view.” We tend to believe and get attached to our perceptions and share them with others as if they were scientific facts (which is the poison known as gossip). “So and so disrespected me (or another) in the meeting!” “You can’t rely on so and so!” “So and so isn’t a team player!” In Bowen and Friedman’s family systems theory this fusion of negative judgments, secrets, and indirectness is called triangulation. Triangulation happens whenever two people talk about another instead of to the other. Of course, that is more damaging when the perceptions of the person (or group) being talked about are negative. Triangulation fuels tension in the system. The process of perception (or interpretation, or judgment, or assumption) occurs constantly, and in nanoseconds. It is the micro-​moment in a macro-​ tapestry of interactions and beliefs. I react to you, and in that moment you are already reacting to my reactions. To further complicate things, our filters are complex and ever changing. Our history together, our separate life experiences, our culture, the nature of our relationship (i.e., roles such as boss and subordinate, parent and child, salesperson and customer, etc.)

Behavioral Science Meets the Toltec Mayans  •  75 all impact our immediate filters about each other. There is ample potential for misunderstanding at any step in the process (beginning with the formidable task of understanding yourself). Such misunderstandings are what Wallen refers to as a “gap.” As he puts it, The interpersonal gap refers to the degree of congruence between one person’s intentions and the effect produced in the other. If the effect is what is intended, the gap has been bridged. If the effect is the opposite of what was intended, the gap has become greater.

Wallen goes on to say, “We see our own actions in the light of our own intentions, but we see the other’s actions not in the light of the other person’s intentions but in the effect on us.” In other words, we usually know what we intended, especially when we believe we’ve been misunderstood. It is easy to notice Wallen’s gap in those moments. That awareness is the first vital step in potentially clearing up misunderstandings. It’s more problematic when the shoe is on the other foot, when you interpret another’s words and actions in a manner that has an undesired effect on you. That’s when it is easy to forget how easy it is to be misunderstand and hence to misunderstand, and to believe the negative story you are making up about them as if it were the objective truth. Understanding the power your interpretations have on your own reactions is the starting point for increasing your objectivity and becoming less of a victim to your own interpretations. For example, a person who gives you “close supervision” (an interpretation in itself) may be decoded/​ interpreted as a) “not trusting your work” or b) “being committed to you” (or c, or d, etc.). A worker who conveys anger may be decoded/​interpreted as a) “a troublemaker” or b) “passionate about their job.” The same behaviors, decoded differently, evoke different reactions in you (emotions, beliefs, etc.). Simple—​but hard to remember when the (emotional) heat is on, especially since your circle of associates will likely agree with your negative interpretations, lending what seems like validity to your judgments about the other person or group. And the subtle tension fueled by such negative beliefs makes it likely that future interactions will further reinforce the current outcomes.

76 • EQ Theory Does this mean that you should never have “negative” judgments of others? Of course not. Besides the fact that such a suspension of interpretation would be virtually unachievable, it would be undesirable as well. What it does mean is that it is useful for you to be as skillful as possible if you are giving feedback, and it is even more important to leave ample room for questioning your own interpretations. Let’s turn back to don Miguel Ruiz and the second agreement: “Don’t Take Anything Personally.” Not only are we interpreting others, we are interpreting ourselves and making up a story about who we are. As mentioned in Chapter 3, “Reopening your Mind,” we have begun writing that story since birth. Ruiz calls the story we make up “dreaming.” People live in their own world, in their own movie, in their own story. They invest all their faith in that story, and that story is truth for them, but it’s a relative truth, because it’s not truth for you. Now you can see that all their opinions about you really concerned the character who lives in their movie, not in yours. The one who they are judging in your name is a character they create. Whatever people think of you is really about the image they have of you, and that image isn’t you … Now it’s easy to understand why there is so much conflict between humans. The world is populated by billions of dreamers who aren’t aware that people are living in their own world, dreaming their own dream. For the point of view of the main character, which is their only point of view, everything is all about them. When the secondary characters say something that doesn’t agree with their point of view, they get angry, and try to defend their position. They want the secondary characters to be the way they want them to be, and if they are not, they feel very hurt. They take everything personally. With this awareness you can also understand the solution, and it’s something so simple and logical: don’t take anything personally. (Ruiz et al., 2010, p52)

In other words, not only are we interpreting others, we are interpreting ourselves. Our interpretations are seductive. They seem like reality, but they are not. They are just words in our heads (and our mouths) which symbolize reality, a symbolization of reality we are constructing. Everyone else is doing the same. When they are upset with you, they are upset with you based on their own story (or dream). We live in a world of relationships. The family systems concept of fusion means to take everything personally, bouncing like a pinball from

Behavioral Science Meets the Toltec Mayans  •  77 on reactive moment to the next. Fight or flight become the only options. Differentiation allows one to be in relationship and to care about impact on self and on other without swallowing it whole. Not taking it personally in Wallen’s model means to not get reactive to other people’s interpretation of you and to not get too attached to your interpretations of others. Keep your anterior cingulate cortex switched to “open learner.” If you are being objective you will understand that your initial interpretation of someone’s words and actions may be very different than what they meant. They are coming from your own “dream.” The Mayan third agreement, “Don’t Make Assumptions,” addresses interpretations this way: “Making assumptions is just looking for trouble, because most assumptions are not the truth; they’re fiction” (Ruiz et al., 2010, p67). In more crass terms, you have likely heard the saying that “the word assume makes an ass out of you and of me.” The good news is, you have the ability to reconsider your own assumptions, and that is a critical step for breaking any patterns of misunderstanding that are needlessly complicating your relationships at home and at work. Wallen states: “I know myself by my intentions; I know others by_______.” How would you finish the sentence? Think of your response, and then continue reading. If you said, “I know others by their behavior,” your answer reflects the dominant cultural perspective of our times. In other words, most people would give that answer. It is part of the subtle victim mentality we spoke about earlier. The solution is seen as being located outside of the self. “I know them by their behavior; for things to be different, their behavior has to be different.” It follows that your efforts will be on analyzing them and trying to change them (or getting rid of them). And since the people around you are operating in the same cultural mode (answering the question the same way), that seems to validate your perspective. “Don’t talk crazy. Everyone knows the world is flat!” But is it? Wallen’s completion of that sentence is a radical shift. “I know myself by my intentions. I know others by my interpretations.” I know you by the stories I make up about what I believe your words and actions really mean. I know you by the dream I am dreaming about what is real. This leads to an empowering possibility. If I change my stories, I change my reaction. In other words, I create my own reactions. A subtle shift, but radically different than popular belief. “You made me angry!” Nope. “I

78 • EQ Theory interpreted your words and actions as an attack, as an attempt to thwart what I want, and my thoughts aroused anger within me.” And if one is really objective they might add, “And frankly, there’s a good chance I misunderstood what you meant to convey.” “I know you by my interpretations” is both a sobering and calming perspective. Rather than believing, defending, and reacting to your own interpretations, if you maintain awareness of the possibility of misunderstanding (an awareness that will have a grounding effect), you open the door to more rational relationships—​you will calm the limbic and put the prefrontal cortex back in charge. Now let’s look at the Interpersonal Gap from yet another angle. To understand your own reactions and to convey useful feedback to another, it’s important to be as clear as you can about what “action” you are interpreting. When you are conversing with someone, what sort of behavior are you taking in? For our purposes, there are three primary sources of behavioral information: words, body language, and tone of voice. Words are what the person is saying and what you are hearing them say (which may be two different things!). Body language is constant and includes the powerful information conveyed by facial expression. Are they smiling? Frowning? Looking at you? Leaning toward you? Leaning back? Tensing their muscles? Slumped in their posture? Folding their arms? All body language provides information about the sender of the message, and is open to interpretation by the receiver. Last but not necessarily least, does the tone of voice match the words being conveyed? Think of the various tones that could be used with the words “Thanks a lot.” As you can probably surmise, very different messages can be conveyed, depending on the tone. A famous study by Dr. Albert Mehrabian assessed where the receiver tuned in for understanding, when the messages from these three aspects of behavior (body, tone, words) were inconsistent. Mehrabian’s research breaks them down into percentages. What percentage do you think you get the message from, when there are mixed messages from the sender? Take your best guess, and then turn the page: Body Language:         % Words:         % Tone:         %

Behavioral Science Meets the Toltec Mayans  •  79 In Dr. Mehrabian’s research, these were the percentages : Body Language: 55% Tone: 38% Words: 7% If you answered differently, that doesn’t invalidate your answer. You may be getting more of your information from one or two of these sources than did the people in the study, or you may be closer to the study’s numbers than you realize. Either way, your ability to be specific about what you are reacting to will increase your own clarity about your reactions and improve the clarity of the feedback you give to others. For example, when you believe you are receiving a mixed message, you could think or say something like this: “when you said you were happy, you were frowning, so I didn’t believe it.” Compare that to somebody being affected by the same behavior, and thinking or saying, “liar.” Feedback which primarily conveys specific behavior is generally less inflammatory than feedback which primarily or solely conveys judgments (interpretations). It’s also more likely that the receiver and the sender can learn from and act on behaviorally specific feedback. The ability to give behaviorally specific feedback, free of interpretations, is essential at both work and at home if you want less fighting and more understanding. Frankly, if you can’t be behaviorally specific, you are better off not saying anything at all. How you put things and what you focus on does matter. You can also pay attention to the alignment of these three variables in your own communication. How aware are you of your own facial expressions? Do you smile when you are anxious or delivering a serious message? Many people smile because they are afraid of how the message will be received. Others cover their inner state by never varying their expression. Unfortunately, either behavior is likely to be confusing to the person on the receiving end. And neither behavior protects you from conveying something, and sometimes conveying messages very different than what you intend. Ironically, people who have a more or less consistently blank facial expression, especially if they are in positions of authority, are often miss-​ interpreted more, because people have less to go on and are filling in the blanks with their own imaginations (and with authority figures, they often imagine the worst).

80 • EQ Theory If you want people to get a clear message, try smiling when you like what’s happening, and looking serious when you feel serious. Family Therapist Virginia Satir calls this match between your inner experience and your outer expression “congruency.” You started life that way. When you were happy you looked happy, when you were sad you looked sad, and so on. If you have ever been around an infant, you know this to be true. From that point on, we all learned habits of what to show and what not to show. Through persistent intentional effort, you can unlearn those habits which are no longer serving you well, and relearn how to be congruent when you want to be. The same is true of tone, and of words. As the Toltec Mayans have known for thousands of years, your words are powerful. Endeavor to say what you mean, and mean what you say. Be kind with your words, to yourself (in your head) and about others. Be impeccable with your word. Wallen identified four skills that help close interpersonal gaps. The first is “behavior description,” which is feedback that sticks with what Wallen defines as behavior (as described above). Behavior description increases the ability to be as factual as a human can be and decreases the likelihood of misunderstanding and emotional escalation. The second is “feeling description,” which is using a word to name an emotion (covered in Chapter 5, “Feeling Description”). The third, “paraphrasing,” is saying what you think the other means, and is so important we have already covered it in Chapter 4, “Accuracy—​Getting What They Mean” and “Open Mind—​ Respecting Differences,” and Chapter 5, “Active Listening.” Wallen’s fourth tool, “perception check,” consists of naming your hunch about what someone else is feeling. For example you might say, “you seem (sad, mad, glad, afraid)” or any variation thereof. All four skills are most likely to close gaps when you are acting out of the Mayan fourth agreement, “Always Do Your Best” (Ruiz et al. 2010, p83). If your intent is really to understand, to be understood, to be compassionate, Wallen’s skills will help you and will be great grounding techniques as well. Mindful focus on any of these behaviors with the intent of doing your best will decrease your own emotional intensity and likely have a calming effect on others. All four skills help wipe the lens of perception as clean as possible, thus decreasing needless drama. When you do your best, even if things don’t turn out the way you hoped, the words of Reed Richards (Mr. Fantastic) to Ben Grimm (the Thing) will ring true: “You did your best. That’s all that anyone can ever do.”

Behavioral Science Meets the Toltec Mayans  •  81 The fifth and final (thus far at least) agreement is “Be Skeptical, but Learn to Listen” (Ruiz et al. 2010, p97). Be skeptical of your own stories. Be skeptical of stories from others about you or others. Actively listen. Learn what you can. Be open but take nothing personally. Let’s learn what we can now from our friend Kurt Lewin, who takes us further into systems thinking by helping us understand ourselves in our current “life field,” and who helps us understand the dynamics of change.

9 Out Here in the Fields (Field Theory)

Out here in the fields, I fight for my meals, I put my back into my living. I don’t have to fight, to prove I’m right, I don’t need to be forgiven. The Who

It’s debatable, perhaps, how spiritual those lyrics are. My rationalization for including them is that I am attached to the music I loved as a teenager and that enjoying one’s attachments can be both playful and spiritual. Furthermore, we are “out here in the fields,” the life space fields of Kurt Lewin and the emotional fields of Bowen and Friedman. Without that perspective our awareness is like a narrow flashlight in a large cave. We are missing much of what we could potentially be aware of. Lewin showed us that EQ is vital in managing change. His research on group dynamics clearly showed that if people are given a chance to define and solve their own problems through group dialogue, they will be emotionally committed to implementation success. In the process of group decision-​making his force field analysis helps decrease tension and increase emotional engagement. He didn’t call the emotional element of his methods EQ (that term wasn’t coined yet), but none-​the-​less that is what it is. Here he talks about how the approach one takes to change either increases or decreases the tension.

TWO BASIC METHODS OF CHANGING LEVEL OF CONDUCT For any type of social management, it is of great practical importance that levels of quasi-​stationary equilibria can be changed in either of two ways: by

83

84 • EQ Theory adding forces in the desired direction or by diminishing opposing forces. If a change … is brought about by increasing the forces toward … the secondary effects should be different from the case where the same change of level is brought about by diminishing the opposing forces. … In the first case, the process … would be accomplished by a state of relatively high tension, in the second case, by a state of relatively low tension. Since increase of tension above a certain degree is likely to be paralleled by higher aggressiveness, higher emotionality, and lower constructiveness, it is clear that as a rule, the second method will be preferable to the high pressure method. (Lewin, 1999, p280)

People attempt to impose solutions on others and then blame the others for resistance. It’s needless in most cases, it’s tiresome, and it’s ineffective. For a better path, read my last book, Planned Change: Why Kurt Lewin’s Social Science is Still Best Practice for Business Performance, Change Management, and Human Progress. Edwin Friedman speaks of a similar systemic effect if leaders are increasing the tension in the emotional field. Again, there is the possibility of too little tension (that’s rare), just right, and too much. If there is too much tension, these are the symptoms. Friedman called them the Characteristics of Chronically Anxious Systems (Friedman, 1999, p53). This version, updated here, is from my second book, Leadership Can Be Learned: Reactivity—​People go into fight and flight reactions such as keeping their mouth shut, talking behind people’s backs, forming and holding negative judgments and believing them to be objective, etc. The reptilian brain is running the show. The only humor is sarcasm. As noted, you can’t teach a reptile to play. That’s a mammalian (limbic) brain function, rooted in relationships. People doing the most serious work can be playful. The absence of playfulness is a sure sign of reactivity. The result is unresolved needless drama, high sensitivity, taboo subjects, and in work settings an overabundance of career-​damaging negative “feedback” coupled with high turnover. Our mammalian traits are subordinated to the cold relating of the reptile. Herding—​This is overattachment; the mammalian brain on high anxiety mode. People identify with and cling to their own groups (us vs. them).

Out Here in the Fields (Field Theory)  •  85 The focus is on “How can they treat me/​us this way?”, “They just don’t understand us,” and “If not for them everything would be fine around here.” The results are poor alignment, miscommunication, defensiveness, and on a national level, war. As Friedman puts it, people become more concerned about their rights than their responsibilities. These behaviors, along with the following characteristics, kill the dialogue essential to healthy systems. Friedman continues: The overall effect of herding is circular: if reactivity causes people to herd than herding increases the conditions for reactivity … In order to be ‘inclusive’ the herding family will wind up adopting an appeasement strategy toward its most troublesome members while sabotaging those with the most strength to stand up to the troublemakers … in some (systems) the togetherness forces put such a premium on inclusivity that those who do not agree with making it the overriding principle … are isolated or rejected, thus creating Orwellian “Animal Farms” in which diversity is eliminated in the name of diversity. One of the most extraordinary examples of adaptation to immaturity in contemporary American Society today is how the word abusive has replaced the words nasty and objectionable. The latter two words suggest the person has done something distasteful, always a matter of judgement. But the use of the word abusive suggests, instead, that the person who heard or read the objectionable, nasty, or even offensive remark was somehow victimized by dent of the word entering their mind. This confusion of being “hurt” with being damaged makes it seem as though the feelings of the listener or reader were not their own responsibility, or as though they had been helplessly violated by another person’s opinion … The use of abusive rather than objectionable has enabled those who do not want to take responsibility for their own efforts to tyrannize others, especially leaders, with their “sensitivity.” (Friedman, 1999, p68)

In such moments, cause and effect can easily become distorted. Displaced blame—​Like siblings in a family, when something bad happens people point in every other direction rather than calmly looking at their own role in what has gone wrong and what could make it better. The past is flooding the present. The hippocampus is reminded of emotional moments when you were two or so, can’t tell the difference between then and now,

86 • EQ Theory and the fight–​flight response is triggered. Feedback, when it happens, tends to be negative and is likely to be defensively ignored. Quick fix mentality—​This is an epidemic. Symptoms include rushing through half-​baked solutions, trying to implement too many solutions at the same time, poor implementation, and always looking for the next best thing because past efforts have failed to produce the intended results. My own profession, organization development, griped in chronic anxiety, forgets its roots (Kurt Lewin) and constantly searches for and panders to “new” organization development. Friedman’s metaphor, “You can’t make a bean grow by pulling on it,” is worth repeating here. Many sound solutions get bungled because of quick fix thinking. The root cause (i.e., the “quick fix mentality”) tends to be overlooked and is defended as a “sense of urgency” (all the more confusing because “a sense of urgency” is appropriate and much needed in many systems). Therefore, the people and the solutions that were implemented poorly tend to be blamed instead. Error likely—​ I added this characteristic based on my experience in nuclear power and other industries. People in a chronically anxious system are more likely to make mistakes leading to quality, safety, and other consequences. Programmatic approaches to safety will be inhibited by the previously listed characteristics. In a worst-​case scenario, safety programs may actually become a source of additional performance-​eroding stress. Absence of nonanxious leadership—​This is the ultimate root cause of all of the above and it replicates itself in a dysfunctional system. To use another Friedman metaphor, an anxious leader is like a “step-​up transformer” in the organization’s emotional system. At precisely the time the organization needs clear calm leadership and predictable behavior from their leader(s), the leader’s own anxiety spikes and increases the emotional intensity in the system, thus at best becoming something to “cope with” and at worst becoming an actual deterrent to performance. In contrast, Friedman advocates for an emotionally intelligent approach (although he didn’t use that term). To be a self-​differentiated leader you must function the majority of the time as a “step-​down transformer,” helping the emotional system stay cool, calm, and focused during difficult moments, even if you yourself are anxious and uncertain of the outcome.

Out Here in the Fields (Field Theory)  •  87 You are either a calming influence on the emotional field, or a source of increased tension. Of course it is possible to be both at times, calm and aware and yet occasionally flooded with tension. Even the best of us get reactive at times. A high EQ aspiration is to decrease the amount of reactivity, and to de-​escalate faster when reactivity happens. Living completely nonreactive is unlikely. Framed in the context of self-​differentiation, Friedman describes EQ maturity this way: The following ten statements complete the sentence that starts “self-​ differentiation is”: • Being clear about one’s own personal values and goals • Taking maximum responsibility for one’s own emotional being and destiny rather than blaming others or the context • Charting one’s own way by means of one’s own internal guidance system, rather than perpetually eyeing the “scope” to see where others are at • Knowing where one ends and another begins • The capacity to take a stand in an intense emotional system • Saying “I” when others are demanding “we” • Being able to cease being one of the system’s emotional dominoes • Maintaining a non-​anxious presence in the face of others • Containing one’s reactivity to the reactivity of others • A lifetime project, with no one ever getting more than 70% of the way to the goal (from “Bowen Theory and Therapy” by Edwin Friedman in the Handbook of Family Therapy, Volume II, edited by Gurman and Kniskern, 1991). Allow me to elaborate on two of these. By “maintaining a non-​anxious presence in the face of anxious others,” Friedman doesn’t mean you will never feel anxious. Anxiety in the right dose is an important self-​motivating emotion. What he does mean is that you will be a calming presence when the going gets tough and emotional intensity is running high in others. You will be the step-​down transformer in the emotional system. By “a lifetime project, with no one ever getting more than 70 percent of the way to the goal,” Friedman doesn’t mean you will never get there. From what I have read, I believe he meant that even the best of us, Mahatma Gandhi or any

88 • EQ Theory leader you think was dynamic at taking clear stands and connecting, will only be self-​differentiated 70% of the time. The rest of the time even the best will stumble into reactive behavior. You will be 100% differentiated at times and fused (and confused) at others. Give yourself a break when it happens, learn what you can from the experience, and figure out what to do next.

10 Leadership

“Are you sure, Robert?” Grandmother Crosby Reckless courage leads to death. Cautious courage leads to life. These two things, courage and caution, must be balanced. The right thing at one time is the wrong thing at another. This is why the wise approach everything with both courage and caution. Lao Tzu (Tzu, 2018, p73) Don’t ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive and then go do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive! Howard Thurman (Crosby et al., 2019, p10)

This book is not specifically a leadership book, yet the content is vital to leadership. Leadership is both emotional and spiritual, requiring both awareness and skills. The leadership models I find most useful are those of Edwin Friedman and Kurt Lewin. We’ve already covered the core of Friedman’s model, such as self-​differentiation. This chapter focuses on Lewin, reprinting a brief article of mine published in December 2020 in The Journal of Applied Behavioral Science. Before turning to Lewin let me say a bit more about Friedman. His model of self-​differentiated leadership, in a nutshell, consists of three capacities: 1) take clear stands, 2) stay connected, and 3) manage the emotional 89

90 • EQ Theory sabotage. Capacities 1 and 2 are the same dance of self and other already covered here, and I have written extensively about them elsewhere (especially in my second book, Leadership Can Be Learned). Capacity 3, however, represents a subtle yet powerful EQ dilemma and as such deserves a closer look, especially since an interaction between my grandmother and my father provided me with one of my favorite stories with which to illustrate this concept. Dad is actually the one who told me this story. Throughout his life he would tell his mother about rather adventurous decisions he was making. One day, when grandmother must have been in her early 70s, dad stopped by her home with news. This was easy to do as dad had convinced grandmother to move across the country into a lovely little house only a block from our home in Spokane, Washington, shortly after grandfather had passed away. The two of them sat down in her always spotless kitchen, and he excitedly told her that he was starting a school. Grandmother said something like, “Are you sure Robert?” The conversation went on, and after coffee and some of her famous peanut butter fudge, dad went on his way. That’s when he noticed a familiar feeling. His excitement had been replaced by doubt. A light bulb went on inside him as he realized that this was a pattern. Who knows how young it started, but he had been having the same experience with his mother throughout his life. This was the emotional sabotage of which Friedman speaks. This “sabotage” comes not from your enemies but rather from the fears of the people who care about you the most. It is offered with sound reasoning and good intent. Grandmother’s concern was offered to my father with nothing but love. It is this every fact that it comes from the people you are most open to and that you most trust that it is capable of pulling you off your course. It will only happen when you are actually headed into unknown territory. It will only happen when you are taking a leap into the unknown, and if others are to follow. It only happens when you are truly leading. It is a moment of fusion, and blame will not help. You cannot manipulate the other into supporting your quest. You must decide whether to take the risk of moving forward, or to take the cautious path of pulling back. Neither is guaranteed, and one of those choices is not always superior to the other. If you always plow ahead there will be consequences. If you always pull back there will be consequences. You and you alone must be

Leadership • 91 the one to manage the emotional sabotage because if you reactively lose your way or bull ahead you are the one sabotaging yourself. Dad understood this and set out to handle future interactions with playfulness. He likened it to aikido and came to use this story as a teaching parable for handling reactivity. Instead of being upset with his mother and saying something like “you always undermine me” or handling the tension by avoiding such conversations, dad choose an approach which helped break the tension. He practiced what he preached about recognizing patterns and changing one’s own behavior to change the dance. He began to anticipate the words “Are you sure Robert?” He says he could practically see them coming at him in slow motion, and instead of fighting them or swallowing them, he learned to duck and let them go by. Then he would say something like, “Well, I wasn’t sure so I did a survey on the way here. I stopped at every house and asked what they thought, and they all liked the idea!” Grandmother would look at him for a moment and then laugh and say, “Oh no you didn’t!” With playfulness restored the conversations would continue with the love and support that had always been intended. Caving into your own doubts in reaction to doubts from those you love and/​or trust—​that is the emotional sabotage of which Friedman speaks. If you are truly leading you will face such moments. Take responsibility for the tension of the moment, breath deep, and choose your path. On to Lewin. I wrote the following because I sincerely believe Lewin’s leadership model is the best, and because it is based on deep love and respect. On those grounds it supports the human spirit and is thus a spiritual approach to leading.

LEWIN’S DEMOCRATIC STYLE OF SITUATIONAL LEADERSHIP—​A FRESH LOOK AT A POWERFUL OD MODEL Kurt Lewin had a clear-​eyed vision of authority as an essential function in human systems. As Lewin put it: “… power itself is an essential aspect of any and every group …” (Marrow, 1969, p172). Authority in Lewin’s theory is neither good nor bad, it is simply an ever-​present aspect of group dynamics and leadership.

92 • EQ Theory Lewin concluded this about leadership: Autocracy, democracy, and laissez-​faire should be perceived as a triangle. In many respects, autocracy and democracy are similar: They both mean leadership as against the lack of leadership of laissez-​faire; they both mean discipline and organization as against chaos. Along other lines of comparison, democracy and laissez-​faire are similar. They both give freedom to the group members in so far as they create a situation where the members are acting on their own motivation rather than being moved by forces induced by an authority in which they have no part (Lewin, 1999, p286)

Lewin’s democratic principles of leadership hold the only corner of the triangle that combines leadership (or structure) and freedom, as illustrated in the following graphic:

FIGURE 10.1

Lewin leadership style triangle.

Lewin’s model first emerged from research in which leadership styles were rotated so that groups of children experienced each. Initially two styles were identified—​ “democratic” and “authoritarian.” The authoritarian leader told the kids what to do, who to work with, what materials

Leadership • 93 to use, and solicited no questions. The democratic leader also told the kids what the task was, and then encouraged dialogue and influence. In one of Lewin’s classic “Ah ha” moments, a leader attempting the democratic style hardly led at all. Lewin then identified and included passive leadership as a third style, which he called laissez-​faire. He established clearer standards of behavior. Even the adult leaders had to learn Lewin’s model of active democratic leadership. As Lewin put it, “Autocracy is imposed on the individual. Democracy he has to learn” (Lewin, 1997, p66). The kids knew how to comply with an authoritarian leader, even though they didn’t like it. They floundered under the laissez-​faire style. They flourished under the democratic style. In Lewin’s research the leaders periodically left the rooms. In their absence the kids in the authoritarian and the laissez-​faire groups would stop working and start fighting with each other. When the leader left the democratic group the kids cheerfully kept working. That is true engagement. The autocratic leader got results, but only while they were present. The laissez-​faire style produced neither results nor harmony. My own experience indicates that while having an autocratic boss is feared by many, overly passive bosses are far more prevalent and create far more chaos. It has been easier over the years to help leaders who are “too controlling” move toward the democratic style than to help “too passive” leaders become more active. In both cases what Lewin called “group decision”—​based on dialogue, feedback, and commitment to action—​is the most reliable path toward change. Lewin’s placing the democratic style into the triangle creates an effective situational frame. New employees need leaders who will slide to the left along the “leadership & structure” axis and then gradually slide back as employees become more experienced. Highly experienced workers need leaders who will slide down the freedom axis, while being careful not to spill over into laissez-​faire. Every employee and every group should be involved in an ongoing dialogue regarding the right blend of structure and freedom. Because of my father’s organization development (OD) career, which dates back to his first T-​group in 1953, I found myself at the tender age of 24 facilitating just such a dialogue in every workgroup in two tomato processing plants. The CEO said, “Thou shalt do this process.” Each work team generated survey data, engaged in dialogue, came up with their own

94 • EQ Theory solutions, and implemented them. Each group adjusted their own degrees of structure and freedom. This design, even in the hands of a novice facilitator, resulted in productivity and morale increases throughout the system! Lewin’s principles have yielded similar results throughout our careers, including a 72% productivity increase reported by Businessweek Magazine (1992) after supervisors were restored in a system that had attempted the laissez-​faire approach of self-​managed teams. Lewin’s research indicates that his democratic principles can even decrease prejudices such as racism, sexism, and the role-​based biases held in organizations, such as mistrust between management and labor. When people begin to blame less, interact more, support each other’s roles (whether they be bosses or subordinates, operators or engineers, etc.), and begin to see everyone as peers in their fundamental humanness, ongoing objective dialogue about how much freedom and how much structure is optimal can take place. OD must work with the power structure, not against it. Effective leadership requires the capacity to empower the people below and support the people above. Based on the research and practice to date it is my thesis that Lewin’s democratic principles deserve a renaissance in the profession of OD. Reprinted from and in accordance with the guidelines of The Journal of Applied Behavioral Science, 1–​4, ©Gilmore Crosby, 2020, DOI: 10.1177/​ 0021886320979810

11 Nonviolence

This book seemed incomplete without acknowledging the confluence of spirituality and EQ in the behavior of nonviolence. It is the preferred path of most, but not all, spiritual sources. My own beliefs and values lean toward nonviolence, yet I support violence in some cases, such as in the struggle to defeat Hitler and the Axis powers during WWII, or if someone I love is being physically assaulted. But that is enough about me. I will let the following spiritual sources speak for themselves on this topic: The root of violence is the illusion of separation—​from God, from being one with oneself and everything else, and from Being Itself. When we don’t know how to consciously live out of union (which is called love), we resort to violence, fighting anything that is not like us and that we cannot control. Contemplative practice teaches us to honor differences and also realize that we are all much more than our nationality, skin color, gender, or other labels which are all aspects of the passing and thus false self. Contemplation brings us back to our True Self, who we are in God. Richard Rohr, Franciscan Friar (1943–​) If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turned to them the other cheek also. Jesus (Matthew 5:39) An eye for eye only ends up making the whole world blind. Mahatma Gandhi You may well ask: “Why direct action? Why sit ins, marches and so forth? Isn’t negotiation a better path?” You are quite right in calling for negotiation. Indeed, this is the very purpose of direct action. Nonviolent direct

95

96 • EQ Theory action seeks to create such a crisis and foster such a tension that a community which has constantly refused to negotiate is forced to confront the issue. It seeks so to dramatize the issue that it can no longer be ignored. My citing the creation of tension as part of the work of the nonviolent resister may sound rather shocking. But I must confess that I am not afraid of the word “tension.” I have earnestly opposed violent tension, but there is a type of constructive, nonviolent tension which is necessary for growth. Just as Socrates felt that it was necessary to create a tension in the mind so that individuals could rise from the bondage of myths and half truths to the unfettered realm of creative analysis and objective appraisal, so must we see the need for nonviolent gadflies to create the kind of tension in society that will help men rise from the dark depths of prejudice and racism to the majestic heights of understanding and brotherhood. The purpose of our direct action program is to create a situation so crisis packed that it will inevitably open the door to negotiation. I therefore concur with you in your call for negotiation. Too long has our beloved Southland been bogged down in a tragic effort to live in monologue rather than dialogue. MLK Jr.—​Letter from a Birmingham Jail (Carson, 1998, p190) We know through painful experience that freedom is never voluntarily given by the oppressor; it must be demanded by the oppressed … For years now I have heard the word “Wait!” It rings in the ear of every Negro with piercing familiarity. This “Wait” has almost always meant “Never.” We must come to see, with one of our distinguished jurists, that “justice too long delayed is justice denied” … One has not only a legal but a moral responsibility to obey just laws. Conversely, one has a moral responsibility to disobey unjust laws. I would agree with St. Augustine that “an unjust law is no law at all.” MLK Jr.—​Letter from a Birmingham Jail (Carson, 1998, p191) My study of Gandhi convinced me that true pacifism is not nonresistance to evil, but nonviolent resistance to evil. Between the two positions, there is a world of difference. Gandhi resisted evil with as much vigor and power as the violent resister, but he resisted with love instead of hate. True pacifism is not unrealistic submission to evil power, as Niebuhr contends. It is rather a courageous confrontation of evil by the power of love, in the faith that it is better to be the recipient of violence than the inflicter of it, since the latter only multiplies the existence of violence and bitterness in the universe, while

Nonviolence • 97 the former may develop a sense of shame in the opponent, and thereby bring about a transformation and change of heart. MLK Jr. (Carson, 1998, p26) As the body without the spirit is dead, so faith without deeds is dead. James (James 2:26) Make every effort to live in peace with everyone.

(Hebrew 12:14)

12 Marshmallows on a Stick

Do not believe what you have heard. Do not believe in tradition because it is handed down many generations. Do not believe in anything that has been spoken of many times. Do not believe because the written statements come from some old sage. Do not believe in conjecture. Do not believe in authority or teachers or elders. But after careful observation and analysis, when it agrees with reason. and it will benefit one and all, then accept it and live by it. Buddha (563 BC–​483 BC) (Dyer, 1998, p.5) Work hard to understand. Then think for yourself about what to believe. Gilmore Crosby

The illustration on the following page (Figure 12.1) is a visualization of a basic EQ. Created by my father and his colleague, John Scherer, this was originally drawn time and again on a flipchart as a series of squares with lines. Someone, possibly my colleague Mark Horswood (although he says he heard it from another colleague), started calling it “marshmallows on a stick.” That tickled my fancy so I have stuck with the name and even started drawing this as marshmallows. The fire denotes that the heat of emotional intensity goes up if one is unaware. Don’t burn your marshmallows! If one is aware of their emotions, they can choose what to do. If unaware they will act on them reactively and habitually. In either case the actual actions come in infinite varieties. We are always expressing emotion, even if we are expressing the emotion of calmness by simply staying silent and still. What we show may or may 99

100 • EQ Theory

FIGURE 12.1

Marshmallows on a stick.

not be congruent with what we are feeling. And although some facial expressions are close to being universal in what they convey, there is also great cultural variety and even variety within families in how we express emotion. Facial expression and body language are clues, but they are not surefire sources of accurate information. One may look perfectly calm even though they are hiding anger or love or any emotion. You know that because you know how to hide what you feel at times. That is a necessary part of the socialization process. We learn to pretend, and we learn to pretend so well that we even hide certain emotions from ourselves. We still have the physical energy inside, which can turn into physical complications (high blood pressure, etc.). If we are unaware we are likely to express the emotion through behavior such as avoidance. If we are aware we have the option of feeling what we feel, and choosing what we do. We will still choose to hide feelings at times, but we can do so mindfully and not robotically. At other times, using the skill of feeling description we can clearly articulate what we are feeling. At other times we may choose to show how we are feeling without words.

Marshmallows on a Stick  •  101 There is no one way. Here is what Buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hanh says about noticing, accepting, and transforming feelings: The first step in dealing with feelings is to recognize each feeling as it arises. The agent that does this is mindfulness. In the case of fear, for example, you bring out your mindfulness, look at your fear, and recognize it as fear. Know that fear springs from yourself and that mindfulness also springs from yourself. They are both in you, not fighting, but one taking care of the other. The second step is to become one with the feeling. It is best not to say, “Go away, fear. I don’t like you. You are not me.” Is much more effective to say, “Hello, fear. How are you today?” Then you can invite the two aspects of yourself, mindfulness and fear, to shake hands as friends and become one. Doing this may seem frightening, but because you know you are more than just your fear, you need not be afraid. As long as mindfulness is there, it can chaperone your fear. The fundamental practice is to nourish your mindfulness with conscious breathing, to keep it there, alive and strong. Although your mindfulness may not be very powerful in the beginning, if you nourish it, it will become stronger. As long as mindfulness is president, you will not drown in your fear. In fact, you begin transforming at the very moment you give birth to awareness in yourself. The third step is to calm the feeling. As mindfulness is taking good care of your fear, you begin to calm down. “Breathing in, I calm the activities of body and mind.” You calm your feeling just by being with it, like a mother tenderly holding her crying baby. Feeling her mother’s tenderness, the baby will calm down and stop crying. The mother is your mindfulness, born from the depth of your consciousness, and it will tend the feeling of pain. A mother holding her baby is one with her baby. If the mother is thinking of other things the baby will not calm down. The mother has to put aside other things and just hold her baby. So, don’t avoid your feeling. Don’t say, “You are not important. You are only a feeling.” Come and be one with it. You can say, “Breathing out, I calm my fear.” The fourth step is to release the feeling, to let it go. Because of your calm, you feel at ease, even in the midst of fear, and you know that your fear will not grow into something that will overwhelm you. When you know that you are capable of taking care of your fear, it is already reduced to the minimum, becoming softer and not so unpleasant. Now you can smile at it and let it go, but please do not stop yet. Calming and releasing are just medicines for the symptoms. You now have an opportunity to go deeper and work on transforming the source of your fear.

102 • EQ Theory The fifth step is to look deeply. You look deeply into your baby—​your feeling of fear—​to see what is wrong, even after the baby has already stopped crying, after the fear is gone. You cannot hold your baby all the time, and therefore you have to look into him to see the cause of what is wrong. By looking, you will see what will help you begin to transform the feeling. You will realize, for example, that his suffering has many causes, inside and outside of his body. If something is wrong with him, if you put that in order, bringing tenderness and care to the situation, he will feel better. Looking into your baby, you see the elements that are causing him to cry, and when you see them, you will know what to do and what not to do to transform the feeling and be free. (Hanh, 1991, p53)

EQ starts with awareness and acceptance of emotion in ourselves and others. With growing skill, we can de-​escalate moments of emotional intensity, and begin to alter the cause of troubling intensity within us—​ beliefs like “you don’t love me” that are rooted in fear and trigger more of the same. We can reclaim our essence and consciously become who we are. And now, if you choose to accept this mission, it is time to move beyond the realm of theory to an exploration of the range of emotion. The first section of this book will self-​destruct in 60 seconds.

Section 2

Emotions—​Red, Yellow, and Blue

My father’s personal physician, Dr. Ron Singler, and his colleague, Dr. Gregory May, came up with a unique way of thinking about the range of emotion. Dad began applying this in experiential learning workshops both in academic and industrial settings. Many people in those workshops have found Singler and May’s model helpful as they seek clarity about the full range of emotions and attempt to reclaim emotions they have less access to. Figure S2.1 (below) is by no means an exhaustive list of feeling words. In a live workshop we have participants build the list with words of their own choosing. Although it is likely that the physiological experience that I label feeling “sad” is similar to the physiological experience that you label feeling sad, the words we chose are a highly subjective and socially conditioned process. What I call “concerned” you might call “anxious,” what I call “angry” you might call “frustrated,” and so on. Concerned is even in two different columns in Figure S2.1 because it is so common for people to use the term in different ways. This is true of other feeling words, and this list

104  •  Emotions—Red, Yellow, and Blue

FIGURE S2.1

Red, yellow, and blue.

is not an attempt to capture all those nuances. The important thing is for you to get clear yourself about the various options you have to describe emotions, and to especially expand toward awareness of feelings you are less in touch with inside yourself and hence less likely to understand in others.

Emotions—Red, Yellow, and Blue  •  105 The axis of range simply indicates that the three columns and the four groups at the head of each column are ways of understanding the full range of emotion. The axis of intensity is a simplistic indication that emotions within a grouping (red for example) may be low intensity or high intensity. Words that generally indicate lower intensity are toward the bottom, and words that generally indicate higher intensity are toward the top. Again, subjectivity and culture could easily put the intensity “rankings” in another order. That doesn’t matter nearly as much as the concept that a feeling like skepticism is related to a feeling like anger. The concept that there are red, yellow, and blue feelings that are more differentiated by intensity than by anything else can help people shift from labeling some feelings good or bad. Focusing instead on what message the feeling is telling you about your perception of the environment and how much of it has to do with the past instead of the present is a fundamental EQ skill. Noticing emotions when the intensity is low is another fundamental EQ skill. As one colleague (the late great Cotton Mears) put it, when you ignore your feelings it’s like you are adding beans to his grandmother’s pressure cooker. Eventually, especially if a little rascal named Cotton has plugged the steam vent with a washcloth, the pressure will build and the pressure cooker is going to blow its top. When that happens it’s a mess. Beans fly everywhere and now you have to clean up. The same thing happens when you tuck away emotion after emotion. Singler and May give us one more useful notion. When you are in the red zone your emotions are “hard,” when in the yellow your emotions are “soft,” and when in the blue your emotional state is “fragile.” If the color coding (“I’m feeling a little red right now”) or the tactile way of thinking (hard, soft, fragile) helps you increase your awareness, more power to it. Use whatever tool suits your own fancy. Thinking about your emotions and naming them is a method for calming oneself and for expanding the field of choice. Experiencing emotion requires quieting the cognitive brain. Both are important to EQ, although fundamentally different. The bias in my writing leans toward using thinking to recognize the feeling. On the other hand, Alan Watts suggests that to really experience emotion we must do so at times without analysis: To understand music, you must listen to it. But so long as you are thinking, “I am listening to this music,” you are not listening. To understand joy or fear, you must be wholly and individually aware of it. So long as you were

106  •  Emotions—Red, Yellow, and Blue calling it names and saying, “I am happy,” or “I am afraid,” you are not being aware of it. (Watts, 1951, p87)

The thoughts in our heads are symbols of reality, but they are not the thing they are symbolizing. As don Miguel Ruiz puts it, our words and thoughts are a “virtual reality” or “dream.” To truly experience something, including emotions, we must stop thinking about it. The story goes that when the Pharaoh was informed about the invention of writing he said, “That sounds most wonderful, but I fear that people will substitute words for experience.” Robert P. Crosby

We now complete our journey with an exploration of a sampling of emotions. I intend to keep this section simple. I will offer some brief thoughts, or none at all, and then turn to the spiritual masters. Enjoy.

13 Red (Hard) Emotions

Let us begin by paying some respect to red emotion. Red is easy to demonize as “bad.” If you formed that habit early in life, as Lucy the psychiatrist (in the Peanuts cartoons by Schultz) said, “get over it!” (that will be five cents.) It is only holding you back as an adult. Without red you have no backbone. Too much red is tiresome, but too little red is also tiresome. Leaders who do not take clear stands cause confusion and bickering amongst their followers. People who do not take clear stands fuel conflict; the very thing they are likely trying to avoid. Without red you won’t make decisions. Without red you won’t be firm. If you have low access to red, reclaim your capacity to be serious and to be heard. You were heard when you were born and during the months and even years to come. Get serious (red) and be heard again. Too much red means you are perceiving things in such a way that you are in the red so much that you are probably tired of it and others are probably tired of it. If others are afraid to talk to you about important things, then you are wearing a shield of red. It may be comforting and cause some protection, but it is also causing trouble and will surely backfire as a persistent strategy. Here’s where self-​awareness can be particularly tricky. Many individuals who are easily agitated believe that the cause is external to them. Their cognitive brains are trapped in justifying their emotional habit. The past from whence this habit came is flooding the present, but without awareness. Reactions seem justified by circumstances and the perceived failings of others. Waking up to that kind of pattern isn’t easy. I remember two people, a man at a nuclear power plant that was always frowning, and a woman

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108  •  Emotions—Red, Yellow, and Blue at a bauxite refinery who was perceived to be always smoldering beneath the surface. It took T-​group learning with their peers, where they received feedback in a way that they could handle it (where it made cognitive sense to them and they didn’t feel humiliated or disrespected), for the feedback to be risked and heard. Both had been having a similar impact. Many peers were afraid that they were mad at them and were reluctant to approach them. The man insisted he was happy, and a colleague of mine (whom I mentioned earlier, Mark Horswood) in what proved to be a golden moment for the man said, “Tell your face.” That brought a smile, and the capacity to smile when happy stuck. I still know the man more than a decade later and he is eternally grateful for the impact that workshop had on his life. The woman’s learning was perhaps even deeper. She realized that she really was mad almost all the time. She was a little sad and a little embarrassed when she admitted it to herself, but she was mostly relieved and joyful to rediscover her yellow in particular. Her peers were stunned and grateful for the change. I don’t know for certain what happened next for her, but once a person realizes for themselves that there is a path they prefer, it takes a lot for them to lose that path. So be honest with yourself if you have reason to suspect there is too much red in your life or too little. Ask others. Get some help if needed. Don’t let shame (a blue emotion) hold you back from being more the way you want to be. Reclaim your full range, including the red.

ANGER I have learned to use my anger for good … Without it, we would not be motivated to rise to a challenge. It is an energy that compels us to define what is just and unjust. Mahatma Gandhi Anger is a righteous emotion. It is almost necessary to your being. Martin Luther King, Jr. Jesus entered the temple courts and drove out all who were buying and selling there. He overturned the tables of the money changers and the benches of

Red (Hard) Emotions  •  109 those selling doves. “It is written,” he said to them, “My house will be called a house of prayer, but you are making it a den of robbers.” Matthew 21:12 Don’t get me wrong, righteous indignation is, well, righteous. More than that, it fuels good and necessary work. But if we allow that anger to make us bitter, cynical, or hateful, we are forgetting the reason we want justice so badly, the reason we are angry in the first place: our love of justice for all people. We are angry because of our love. Martin Luther King, Jr. (Letter from a Birmingham jail) If I would be happy, I would be a very bad ball player. With me, when I get mad, it puts energy in my body. Roberto Clemente I remember the story dad told about riding in a truck with German war prisoners. The American soldier driving would abruptly stop and knock over the prisoners in the back of the truck. He thought it was funny. My dad turned to him and said, “If you do that again I will kill you!” That was so uncharacteristic for my dad as I knew him. Dad says the guy did not do it again! Robert P. Crosby recounting a WWI story about my Grandfather

The Roots of Anger …someone who speaks badly to us may have been spoken to in exactly the same way just the day before, or by his alcoholic father when he was a child. When we see and understand these kinds of causes, we can begin to be free from our anger. I am not saying that someone who viciously attacks us should not be disciplined. But what is most important is that we first take care of the seeds of negativity in ourselves. Then if someone needs to be helped or disciplined, we will do so out of compassion, not anger and retribution. If we genuinely try to understand the suffering of another person, we are more likely to act in a way that will help him overcome his suffering and confusion, and that will help all of us. Thich Nhat Hanh (Hanh, 1991, p64) Anger in a home is like rottenness in fruit.

(Talmud, Sota 3b)

110  •  Emotions—Red, Yellow, and Blue Respond to hatred with kindness, Resolve difficulties while they are easy, And manage great things while they are small. All the world’s problems arise from slight causes, And all great achievements have small beginnings. Lao Tzu (Tzu, 2018, p63) Do not be quickly provoked in your spirit, for anger resides in the lap of fools. (Ecclesiastes 7:9) Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry. James (James 1:19) In thinking about anger, there can be two types. One type of anger can be positive. This would be mainly due to one’s motivation. There can be some anger that is motivated by compassion or a sense of responsibility. When anger is motivated by compassion, it can be used as an impetus or a catalyst for a positive action. Under these circumstances, a human emotion like anger can act as a force to bring about swift action. It creates a kind of energy that enables an individual to act quickly and decisively. It can be a powerful motivating factor. So, sometimes that kind of anger can be positive. All too often, however, even though that kind of anger can act as a kind of protector and bring one extra energy, that energy is also blind, so it is uncertain whether it will become constructive or destructive in the end. So, even though under rare circumstances some kinds of anger can be positive, generally speaking, anger leads to ill feeling and hatred. And, as far as hatred is concerned, it is never positive. It has no benefit at all. It is always totally negative. We cannot overcome anger and hatred simply by suppressing them … The only factor that can give you refuge or protection from the destructive effects of anger and hatred is your practice of tolerance and patience. The Dalai Lama (Cutler, 1998, p248) When our anger is placed under the lamp of mindfulness, it immediately begins to lose some of its destructive nature. We can say to ourselves, “Breathing in, I know the anger is in me. Breathing out I know that I am my anger.” If we follow our breathing closely while we identify and mindfully observe our anger, it can no longer monopolize our consciousness. Thich Nhat Hanh (Hanh, 1991, p57)

Red (Hard) Emotions  •  111 When anger arises, we may wish to go outside to practice walking meditation. The fresh air, the green trees, and the plants will help us greatly. We can practice like this: Breathing in, I know that anger is here.

Breathing out, I know that the anger is me. Breathing in, I know that anger is unpleasant. Breathing out, I know this feeling will pass. Breathing in, I am calm. Breathing out, I am strong enough to take care of this anger. After a while, our anger will subside and we will feel stronger. Then we can begin to observe the anger directly and try to understand it. Thich Nhat Hanh (Hanh, 1991, p61)

SKEPTICISM AND PESSIMISM Too much skepticism and/​or pessimism can close your mind. Both, however, in my humble opinion, deserve more respect. Remember that the fifth agreement of the Toltec Mayans is, “Be skeptical, but learn to listen” (Ruiz et al., 2010, p97). I recently read of hiring practices that favor optimists and try to screen out pessimists. Even though I am generally optimistic I shudder at such simplistic thinking and picture a herd of optimistic lemmings going over a cliff. A little healthy (voiced) skepticism or pessimism could have saved the Kennedy administration from the failed invasion of Cuba known as the Bay of Pigs. A little more skepticism in the conversation between the engineer in Houston and the engineer in Florida (who thought that because the guy in Houston sounded calm that there wasn’t a problem) could have prevented the Challenger explosion. That’s also a good example that calm, helpful in most situations, like anything else can be overdone. At times, people need to know more clearly how you feel. Nonetheless, no skepticism, no science. No science, no objectivity. No objectivity, well, we are enough of a mess with what little objectivity we have. I’m skeptical that things would be any better without skepticism and I’m pessimistic that the world would be better without pessimism.

112  •  Emotions—Red, Yellow, and Blue “Eppur si muove –​And still it moves.” The legendary words (which may or may not have been actually uttered) of Galileo Galilei after offering his signed confession to the Inquisition in 1633 for the heresy of publishing scientific evidence proving that the earth was not the center of the universe (Hawking, 2002, p391).

DEFENSIVENESS By now you probably get the idea. I hope so! I’ve been meaning to write a paper called “In Defense of Defensiveness.” Defensiveness has been so demonized in the modern corporation that most people put a lot of effort into trying to pretend they are not feeling or being defensive, and “You’re being defensive” has become an easy way to attack someone else. Now they are trapped. If they deny or defend you have them right where you want them, like a bug squirming and thrashing as you pin them to your collection. This aspect of corporate culture may relieve some boredom, but it is obviously destructive. It’s far better to admit to oneself if one is feeling defensive. If so, one must perceive whatever is happening as an attack or danger of some sort. If one is aware one can then chose to: A. Question their own perception B. Check with the other to see if they have misunderstood the other C. Defend D. Do something else in the almost infinite range of possibilities. Wallen’s aforementioned behavioral skills help to decrease misunderstanding and hence defensiveness, and also help to de-​escalate defensiveness when it does happen. Take note of option C. Defending is neither good nor bad. At times it is absolutely wise to do so. On the other hand, if one is defensive and unaware they will defend habitually. Again, that is a tiresome experience for self and other. It is certainly not likely to be mutually satisfactory. I used to do it all the time in my teens and early adulthood. I could wear my perceived attackers down with (biased) logic until they gave up and somehow got out of the conversation.

Red (Hard) Emotions  •  113 If they told me I was being defensive I would defend, often by attacking (that’s the best defense, right?), until they gave up. It took repeated feedback for me to get it into my thick head that I indeed had a habit of defending. Then I had to learn to notice when I got tense, and to question my cognitive processes. Instead of trying to “mess with me” or “control me” maybe, for example, people were asking questions because they were genuinely trying to understand. That cognitive shift led down an entirely different emotional path, much preferred by self and other. I began to get it that there was a better way. I learned that if someone was upset with me, that if I genuinely tried to help them get behaviorally specific about what I said or did, that the act of trying to understand calmed both of us and often either taught me a lesson about my impact or, more often than not, cleared up misunderstandings about what I had done or said. I’m not always aware even today, with decades of working on it, but I am likely to notice sooner instead of later if I am feeling and behaving defensively, and as soon as I notice I can calm myself and make choices about what to do. That could include explaining something (defending) if I think I have good reason to believe I understand what the other is saying and I think there is something important they are unaware of. It could also include admitting to the other that I am feeling defensive. On the other hand, I feel defensive a lot less than I used to, and I am pretty sure it is not because the rest of the world has changed. I used to get defensive about stuff that wasn’t intended the way I took it, and I have also learned that even if someone is “attacking me” I don’t have to take it personally. I don’t want to carelessly disregard other people, but I definitely don’t want to swallow their issues whole. So be kind to yourself when you feel defensive and at least admit it to yourself. Otherwise, you will almost certainly be a prisoner of a pattern of defending. Likewise, be kind to others when they are defending. They must think they have been misunderstood or criticized in some way. Take a deep breath (in through your nose and into your belly) (take several deep breaths) and find out what they think is happening. If you think you understood what they are trying to say, paraphrase. If you got their message the way they intended but they don’t know it, they are likely to keep repeating the message over and over with slight variation in the words. That is a clue that someone doesn’t think they have been understood and may be feeling defensive (or whatever other word you want to put to the increase in emotional intensity—​likely a red word). People do that when they are trying to

114  •  Emotions—Red, Yellow, and Blue convey something and they aren’t getting an effective response. Break the pattern and help others do the same. Don’t demonize defensiveness. It’s a clue about what is happening. Use the clue to activate your awareness so you can change what is happening as constructively as possible. And for heaven’s sake, if everyone is defending and denying in your organization stop blaming the people and figure out what to do about it. Change the culture. It doesn’t have to be that way.

14 Blue (Fragile) Emotions

Like a river, let your blue emotions flow. They are data about what is happening between you and your environment. Take a deep breath, feel what you are feeling, and chose what to do. If others are feeling blue don’t let your own fear or impatience interfere with your ability to be with them.

WORRY/​ANXIETY/​DISCOMFORT Don’t worry about a thing, because every little thing’s going to be all right. Bob Marley Free your mind from worries.

(Talmud Yevamot 63b)

We begin this section in my Grandmother Crosby’s footsteps. Grandmother loved the Sermon on the Mount and was there many times in spirit listening carefully as Jesus spoke. I too love this wide-​ranging passage from The New Testament. Jesus plants many seeds therein, including wisdom about emotion. Perhaps at the core of EQ is the ability to be truly present in the moment. As Jesus put it during the Sermon on the Mount, Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life … Can any one of you by worrying add a single moment to your life? … Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. (Matthew 6:25–​34)

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116  •  Emotions—Red, Yellow, and Blue Indeed. Worry is a cousin of fear, and fear, while valuable at times, is unhealthy if sustained and/​or if in too high a dose. In a positive light, worry can motivate one to avoid danger and to prepare for the future. If worry has become a habit it can eat away at your energy, at your peace of mind, and at your ability to be present in the moment. Worry can be overdone whether one is rich or poor, and regardless of circumstances. I used to fight my anxiety about leading a work session. I wondered if something was wrong with me that I still felt anxious even though I knew I was increasingly competent. At some point my father and mentor said, “I’m still anxious.” For me this was like hearing a Jedi Knight say they were anxious. As far as I was concerned my father could handle any situation, no matter how angry people were, etc. His words sank in and I began to welcome my anxiety instead of fight it. I began to listen to the message in my anxiety. I realized that if I arrived early and well prepared, I was less anxious than if I arrived at the last moment or failed to prepare. I learned to let the energy of the anxiousness motive me to do the things I could do, and then I got better at taking a deep breath and letting go. Increased confidence in my abilities helped that journey, but I believe accepting the anxiety instead of denying or fighting it was even more important. I invite you to do the same. A word about “discomfort.” If I am feeling “comfortable” (a feeling I admittedly enjoy) I am content. I give thanks for those moments. I also give thanks for those moments when I realize I am uncomfortable with the status quo in myself or in the world. Sometimes I seek those moments. Sometimes I avoid them. However they arrive, it is moments of discomfort that are most likely to motivate me toward learning and change.

FEAR AND COURAGE (YELLOW) A bit of advice given to a young Native American at the time of his initiation –​As you go the way of life you will see a great chasm. Jump. It is not as wide as you think. Joseph Campbell (Campbell, 1991, p26) Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear. Mark Twain

Blue (Fragile) Emotions  •  117 Fear will be part of the minority experience until true equality is established. Fear is one of the persistent hounds of hell that dog the footsteps of the poor, the dispossessed, the disinherited. Howard Thurman (Thurman, 1976, p36)

Fear in the right dose can save your life. Too much or too little may kill you. Fear is the mind-​killer.

Frank Herbert, Dune

Spirituality can reduce the fear of death. When it comes time to die, be not like those whose hearts are filled with the fear of death, so when their time comes they weep and pray for a little more time to live their lives over again in a different way. Sing your death song, and die like a hero going home. Chief Aupumet, Mohican (1725) Fearlessness is better than a faint heart for any man who puts his nose out of doors. The length of my life and the day of my death were fated long ago. Skirner (Crossley-​Holland, 1980, p56) The Tao is eternal. Death is not to be feared.

Lao Tzu (p16)

SADNESS, SORROW, GRIEF To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven: A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance … Ecclesiastes 3 and 3:4 (King James Version, 2008) I saw grief drinking a Cup of sorrow and called out, “It tastes sweet, does it not?” “You’ve caught me,” grief answered, “and you’ve ruined my business. How can I sell sorrow when you know it’s a blessing?” Rumi (1207–​1273) (Dyer, 1998, p47)

118  •  Emotions—Red, Yellow, and Blue The falls of our life provide us with the energy to propel ourselves to a higher level. The Kabbalah (Dyer, 1998, p47)

Sadness, sorrow, and grief are the price we pay for attachment. The capacity for attachment comes built into our mammalian brains. If all we had was the primitive brain, which is basically all a reptile has to work with, we would not get attached, and we would not feel the sorrow of loss. Personally, I am glad to be a being that cares, even if sadness is the price of admission. When it is real, let it flow, and be patient when others need to do the same. Emotional pain helps us more deeply appreciate genuine moments of living in the yellow. The full range makes us fully human. If you are a man, don’t let cultural sex-​role stereotypes hold you back. You were born crying and you can cry now. When needed, it is good for you. If you had been born a male in Greece back in the days before Christ, if you suffered the loss of a loved one you would go on top of a mountain and weep. It was the manly thing to do. It’s the human thing to do. If your sadness doesn’t dissipate, seek help. We are social beings and we especially need others when we are in the blue. We are also chemical beings and we may need a boost to our chemistry to rise out of prolonged or deep blue. Don’t let shame hold you back when you need a hand. Jesus wept.

(John 11:35)

Sadness and suffering (from a conversation with Salvadore Poe) I have been thinking about the phrase “all things will pass,” which I understand. However, if things do actually pass (such as my father’s death), but stay with me in an emotional way, are you just pointing to the actual event passing? And what do the words really mean? If something does pass, but it stays with me, what would you call that? No, I don’t mean just the physical part. All emotions pass as well. In fact, if you just have an honest look, you will recognize that the emotion comes and goes, and in fact, is mostly not present. If you think of your father, then sadness may appear. A little while later, you are immersed in work and it is not appearing. Also, it is not appearing when you are enjoying a sunset,

Blue (Fragile) Emotions  •  119 laughing at your partner’s jokes, watching TV, having a bad nightmare or beautiful dream at night, or just thinking of nothing in particular. So, in that way, you can see that no appearance is permanent. And, in fact, that sadness is never quite the same each time. Sometimes it is strong, sometimes it is mild, sometimes it is crushing, sometimes it is sentimental or nostalgic, and sometimes it is sweet and tender. It is not a static fixed thing that is permanent. In a year, it will be less. In ten years, even far less. So, it is not permanent, it passes. In fact, it is mostly not appearing at all. See that for yourself. We have created the concept of continuity, that something appearing in our mind remains there, like in the subconscious. That, however, is only a belief, and that belief causes a lot of suffering. Just as in nature, appearances come and go—​wind comes and goes, the moon comes and goes, rain comes and goes, winter, spring, summer, fall come and go. This is natural and it is just the same for thoughts and emotions. They are natural appearances too. And there is something present during all of those things I just mentioned. Guess what that is? Yep, YOU. Your essential, aware nature. That is always present in all of the moments of sadness or joy. You would never know any of those experiences without your essential, aware nature being present. It is because of YOU that anything is known. So, when sadness for your father arises, it is a natural appearance and perfect as it is. In that moment, just notice your essential, aware nature. You, aware. This stops the “poor me” story. Instead, it shines the light of wisdom on the story. In that moment, you will know the sadness is impermanent. That is wisdom. Getting into a “poor me” story and believing that it is permanent or continuous causes suffering. Without the story, sadness arises and passes in its very natural flow. It is just an appearance passing by. Sadness is natural. If we keep building up the story, which is what we have been taught to do, it will cause sadness to linger around for a long time. But that is not necessary. Also, it is not necessary to think, “If I don’t dwell on the sadness for a long time, it means I don’t love my father enough.” That is another learned and false belief. See in your own experience that everything arises and passes, appears and disappears. And when you recognize your essential, aware nature during an appearance, it takes on a very natural rhythm and just passes by without lingering or causing any harm. When you recognize, you will see that you are on to the next experience and emotion very quickly. And that too shall pass. But you remain, always, aware. Salvadore Poe (Poe, 2020, p68)

120  •  Emotions—Red, Yellow, and Blue

SHAME AND GUILT Blessed is the one whose transgressions are forgiven … Blessed is the one … in whose spirit is no deceit. When I kept silent, my bones wasted away through my groaning all day long … Then I acknowledged my sin to you and did not cover up my iniquity. I said, “I will confess my transgressions to the Lord.” And you forgave the guilt of my sin. (Psalm 32:1–​5)

Shame and guilt can be carried as a burden. In psychological terms, they can be thought of as anger turned inward. If you have too little then you won’t care about the impact of your actions on others. If you have too much you will be overly and needlessly critical of yourself. You will have a shaming voice in your head that says things like, “What is wrong with me? Why am I so stupid?” That voice is the past flooding the present. If too much guilt is the habit you will be quick to think and/​or say, “It was my fault. I am to blame.” Reflecting on how such voices got started can be helpful. Therapy is a great way to do that type of reflection. A skilled therapist will help you better understand your own journey without encouraging you to flip the script and wallow in anger toward others, although directing anger and responsibility away from you and toward others may be an important part of the process. Ultimately forgiving yourself and others is the path forward (see “Forgiveness” in Chapter 15). This must include forgiving yourself for having the voice. Learning to not take it personally or seriously is possible and wise. One day you may catch yourself smiling at the voice in your head as you would smile at the antics of a child. This means that you no longer take the shaming voice all that seriously, as your sense of self becomes less dependent on it. I have known many who gave that voice less power as time went by. If too much shame or guilt is part of your journey, I wish the same for you. When the bowl of guilt and shame is “just right,” we can learn from it, take appropriate responsibility, and become better for it.

HUMILIATION Our friend shame helps us be mindful of humiliation. If others feel humiliated, nothing good is likely to come from it. Do what you do in ways that help others have dignity.

Blue (Fragile) Emotions  •  121 If you carry pain from deep humiliation in the past, find a constructive way to break free of that pattern. Therapy is wise.

DEPRESSION Depression is a deep blue emotion. Your neurotransmitters aren’t firing the yellow chemicals like serotonin that you need to break free of it. It is easy once this state has been reached to get stuck in it. People who are truly depressed feel helpless, hopeless, lethargic. Suicidal ideation is likely. Forcing yourself to get fresh air and sunshine, to eat right, to exercise, and to be with the people you care about can lift one out of depression. All feelings pass with time. This will too, but it is easy to forget that when one is depressed. Breaking a deep depression often requires professional help, either therapy, pharmaceutical intervention, or both. Get the help you need to rise above it. Encourage others to do the same. If you don’t know where to start and suicidal thoughts are part of the picture, call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-​800-​273-​8255.

15 Yellow (Soft) Emotions

We end on an upbeat, with the soft emotions. At risk of being a downer, I add the caution that too much of anything has consequences. Reality can be obscured by any intense emotion, and one can be blinded by love. Nonetheless, I’m sure I’m not alone in preferring yellow emotions over red and blue. I’d rather feel happy than unhappy. I’d rather even feel too much yellow than too little (remember Goldilocks and her porridge from Chapter 3). Yellow emotions are energizing, while red and blue, especially too much red and/​or blue, can be draining. The path to healthy EQ is to not cling desperately to the yellow. I’ve worked with many people who insist that they only feel yellow. Inevitably what that really meant was that they were afraid of their red and/​or blue and were attempting to feel and convey yellow no matter what was actually going on inside. They may be playing a systemic role of “keeping things positive.” Ironically, such a struggle against the non-​yellow aspects of self and others is doomed to backfire and cause more tension than it relieves. Instead of feeling cheered up the others are likely to feel disregarded and misunderstood, and instead of being genuinely in the yellow, the self-​ appointed “positive” person is likely to feel more and more tense and resentful. Emotion is like water. It needs to flow. Damn it up and the pressure will eat away at the container, causing damage. Let it flow and you will move from one emotional state to the next easily. Damn it up and you are much more likely to get stuck in whatever feeling you were trying to control and avoid. It’s paradoxical, but true.

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124  •  Emotions—Red, Yellow, and Blue The cognitive process of labeling emotions good or bad likely results in damming up the awareness of the “bad” emotions within the self, and intolerance of the same in others. Yin and Yang: All things contain both the negative principle (yin) and the positive principle (yang). The third principle, energetic vitality (chi), makes them harmonize. Lao Tzu (Tzu, 2018, p42)

I love the aforementioned Taoist concept of harmony. It takes a catalyst (chi). Perhaps chi is the porridge between too much and too little. Honestly having a preference (which I do) is not the same thing as clinging to the yellow. Respect the full range and you will likely spend more time genuinely feeling yellow emotion in all its forms, and chi will spread from you to others. With that in mind, I am happy to present, without further ado, a sampling of the yellow range of emotion.

LOVE We and all creation are the creatures of love. We are made by love, we are marked by love, and we are made for love. Archbishop Desmond Tutu (Battle, 2009, p445) Someday, after we have mastered the winds, the waves, the tides and gravity, we shall harness for God the energies of love. Then, for the second time in the history of the world, man will have discovered fire. Pierre Teilhard de Chardin (1881–​1955) (Dyer, 1998, p227) Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it. Love your neighbor as yourself. Jesus (Matthew 22:37–​39 and Mark 12:30–​31) … love your enemies …

Jesus (Matthew 5:44 and Luke 6:27)

Yellow (Soft) Emotions  •  125 I practice the religion of Love; in whatsoever directions its caravans advance, the religion of Love shall be my religion and my faith. Ibn Arabi, Sufi Mystic (Huston, 1991, p305) If anyone still believes in racial differences, I think he is too backward and narrow. Perhaps he still does not understand man’s equality and love. Bruce Lee What the world needs now, is love, sweet love.

Burt Bacharach

I was blessed in the Fall of 2019 to see Dione Warwick live in Vegas, and I absolutely loved hearing her sing “What the World Needs Now.” Some emotions deserve a bigger porridge bowl, and love is certainly one of them. He who acts from love is better than who acts from fear.

(Talmud, Sota)

The world stands on three things: on Torah, on the Temple service, and on loving deeds. Simon the Just (Sayings of the Fathers 1, 2) (Magonet, 2016, p91) When you work you are a flute through whose heart the whispering of the hours turns to music. To love life through labor is to be intimate with life’s inmost secret. All work is empty save when there is love, for work is love made visible. Kahlil Gibran (1883–​1931) (Dyer, 1998, p197) For me there is only the traveling on paths that have heart, on any path that may have heart. There I travel, and the only worthwhile challenge is to traverse its full length. And there I travel, looking, looking, breathlessly. don Juan (Carlos Castaneda) If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. (1 Corinthians 13:2)

126  •  Emotions—Red, Yellow, and Blue The president in Washington sends word that he wishes to buy our land. But how can you buy or sell the Sky? The land? The idea is strange to us. If we do not own the freshness of the air and the sparkle of the water color how can you buy them? Every part of this earth is sacred to my people. Every shining pine needle, every sandy shore, every mist in the dark woods, every meadow, every humming insect. All are holy in the memory and experience of my people. We know the sap which courses through the trees as we know the blood that courses through our veins. We are part of the earth and it is part of us. The perfumed flowers are our sisters. The bear, the deer, the great eagle, these are our brothers. The rocky crests, the juices in the meadow, the body heat of the pony, and man, all belong to the same family. The shining water that moves in the streams and rivers is not just water, but the blood of our ancestors. If we sell you our land, you must remember that it is sacred. Each ghostly reflection in the clear waters of the lake tells of events and memories in the life of my people. The water’s murmur is the voice of my father’s father. The rivers are our brothers. They quench our thirst. They carry our canoes and feed our children. So you must give to the rivers the kindness you would give any brother. If we sell you our land remember that the air is precious to us, that the air shares its spirit with all the life it supports. The wind that gave our grandfather his first breath also receives his last sigh. The wind also gives our children the spirit of life. So if we sell you our land, you must keep it apart and sacred, as a place where man can go to taste the wind that is sweetened by the meadow flowers. Will you teach your children what we have taught our children? That the earth is our mother? What befalls the earth befalls all the sons of the earth. This we know: the earth does not belong to man, man belongs to the earth. All things are connected like the blood that unites us all. Man did not weave the web of life, he is merely a strand in it. Whatever he does to the web, he does to himself. One thing we know: our God is also your God. The earth is precious to him and to harm the earth is to heap contempt on its creator. Your destiny is a mystery to us. What will happen when the Buffalo are all slaughtered? The wild horses tamed? What will happen when the secret corners of the forest are heavy with the scent of many men and the view of the ripe hills is blotted by talking wires? Where will the thickets be? Gone!

Yellow (Soft) Emotions  •  127 Where will the eagle be? Gone! And what is to say goodbye to the swift pony and the hunt? The end of living and the beginning of survival. When the last Red Man has vanished with his wilderness and his memory is only the shadow of a cloud moving across the prairie, will these shores and forests still be here? Will there be any of the spirit of my people left? We love this earth as a newborn loves its mother’s heartbeat. So, if we sell you our land, love it as we have loved it. Care for it as we have cared for it. Hold in your mind the memory of the land as it is when you receive it. Preserve the land for all children and love it, as God loves us all. As we are part of the land, you too are part of the land. This earth is precious to us. It is also precious to you. One thing we know: there is only one God. No man, be he Red Man or White Man, can be apart. We are brothers after all. Chief Seattle (Campbell, 1988, p34)

TRUST AND MISTRUST (BLUE) To give no trust is to get no trust.

Lao Tzu (Dyer, 1998, p9)

My father likes to say trust and mistrust are two sides of the same coin. You can’t learn to trust if you don’t overcome your mistrust long enough to give people a chance. Some will live up to your expectations, and you will build trust. Others will not. If you don’t take the risk, you will never know. Many people mistrust because of what they have heard about others. That’s wise if you are a Jewish man or woman and you are actually dealing with Hitler. But that is an extreme. In normal life both personal and professional, I want to give people a chance even if I have heard rumors. Otherwise, I may be acting on rumors of rumors that began with one person having personal issues that led to a negative judgment of others, probably started with a misunderstanding. If you don’t believe that is possible please reread Chapter 8. And hopefully you read Chapter 7 as well. We all have been on a journey in terms of trust, and our own habits are not the only possibilities. I’ve had to learn to trust less (just because someone says they are going to pay me back doesn’t mean they are actually going to). Others could gain by learning to trust more (you don’t have to do everything yourself for things

128  •  Emotions—Red, Yellow, and Blue to get done). As with all emotion, figure out where you are as objectively as possible, figure out where you want to go, and take baby steps to get there. A journey of 3000 miles begins with one step.

Lao Tzu (Tzu, 2018, p64)

PATIENCE AND IMPATIENCE (RED) Patience is a virtue.

William Langland (1332–​1386)

Agreed. I include the opposite here, impatience because it is also a virtue. One could be too patient. Impatience is a clue that you think time is being wasted, or that it is time for action. One could be too impatient. If my habit is impatience, I may rush what needs more time. At times either emotion is perfect for the occasion. Respect them both and work toward whichever one you have underdeveloped. Admittedly, there are more quotes in support of patience than in support of impatience. I’m impatient with that! He who hesitates is lost.

By patience, you can discipline your desires.

Joseph Addison (1672–​1719)

Lao Tzu (Tzu, 2018, p10)

Do not be desirous of having things done quickly. Confucius (551 BC–​479 BC) (Dyer, 1998, p13) A hot-​tempered person stirs up conflict, but the one who is patient calms a quarrel. (Proverbs 15:18) Patience is better than pride.

(Ecclesiastes 7:8)

Yellow (Soft) Emotions  •  129 Restlessness and impatience are two diseases and both of them shorten life. Mahatma Gandhi Patience is the key to happiness.

Imam Ali

FORGIVENESS Forgiveness isn’t normally thought of as an emotion, yet it is critical to allowing blue and red emotion to dissipate, and yellow emotion to flow for both the sender and the receiver. Forgiveness is consistently spoken of by spiritual sources as a gift to the giver. The weight of holding red toward another or of holding blue (shame, etc.) toward yourself can be lifted by genuine forgiveness. It can also be a blessing to the other—​if they will allow themselves to receive it. To err is human, to forgive divine. All people commit sins and make mistakes. God forgives them, and people are acting in a godlike (divine) way when they forgive. Alexander Pope (1688–​1744) Mistakes are always forgivable, if one has the courage to admit them. Bruce Lee … if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them …

Jesus (Mark 11:25)

Non-​violence and forgiveness is not just an idea, but it is a way of living for me … We were taught not to hate, not to become bitter, but to believe in the philosophy and discipline of non-​violence, in the way of peace, in the way of love, the way of forgiveness and reconciliation. John Lewis

In February 2009 (Representative John), Lewis recalled an encounter with the son of a man who had attacked him at a bus station on May 9, 1961 in Atlanta. This young man had been encouraging his father to seek

130  •  Emotions—Red, Yellow, and Blue out the people that he had wronged during the height of the movement, and it led them to Lewis’ office. Lewis remembered, The father was a few years older than I am. In 1961, I was 21 years old and he was probably 24, maybe a little older. But they beat me and my seatmate and left us lying in a pool of blood at the Greyhound bus station.

Lewis recalled that the father, accompanied by his son, came to his office after so many years and asked “Mr. Lewis will you forgive me? Do you accept my apology?” He said, “Yes I forgive you, I accept your apology.” At this point, Lewis continued, “the man’s son started crying, he started crying and they hugged me and I hugged them both back and I started crying too, they started calling me brother and I called them brother” (Manojlovic, 2014, p1). Forgiveness liberates the soul, it removes fear. That’s why it’s such a powerful weapon. Nelson Mandela For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. Jesus (Matthew 6:14–​15)

Appreciation Appreciation is one of the most powerful messages we can give to life and to each other. It can happen in a heartbeat. It can happen many times a day. Every morning when we wake up, we have twenty-​four brand new hours to live. What a precious gift! We have the capacity to live in a way that these twenty-​four hours will bring peace, joy and happiness to ourselves and to others. Peace is present right here and now … The question is whether or not we are in touch with it. Thich Nhat Hanh (Hanh, 1991, p5) If the only prayer you ever say in your entire life is “Thank You,” it will be enough. Meister Eckhart (Crosby et al., 2019, p71)

Yellow (Soft) Emotions  •  131

EMPATHY You and I are one.

Joseph Campbell

I and I. You and I are one, Jah (God) is within each of us. I and I is an expression to totalize the concept of oneness. Rastafari scholar E. E. Cashmore Great rulers identify with orphans, inferiors, and the unworthy, because they recognize their roots in the lowest of their people. Lao Tzu (Tzu, 2018, p39) My heart has opened unto every form. It is a pasture for gazelles, a cloister for Christian monks, a temple for idols, the Ka’ba of the pilgrim, the tablets of the Torah and the book of the Koran. Ibn Arabi, Sufi Mystic (Huston, 1991, p305) So in everything, do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Jesus (Matthew 7:12) If you can cultivate the right attitude, your enemies are your best spiritual teachers because their presence provides you with the opportunity to enhance and develop tolerance, patience and understanding. Dalai Lama XIV Tat Tvam Asi! Thou art that. You are that. I am that which I behold. Joseph Campbell

HUMILITY, HUMILIATION (BLUE/​ RED), AND SELF-​ESTEEM The wise humble themselves—​and because of their humility, they are worthy of praise. Lao Tzu (Tzu, 2018, p7)

132  •  Emotions—Red, Yellow, and Blue The Indian humbles himself before the whole of creation because all visible things were created before him and, being older than he, deserve respect. (Huston, 1991, p433) The Tao has three treasures which the wise guard and cherish: The first is compassion, the second is economy, the third is humility. If you are compassionate, you can be truly courageous; if you are economical, you can be truly generous; if you are humble, you can be truly helpful. Lao Tzu (Tzu, 2018, p67) Be careful not to practice your righteousness in front of others to be seen by them. Jesus (Matthew 6:1)

If you honestly think something about you makes you better than anyone else in your essential humanness, you lack humility and it will interfere with genuine empathy. You may very well be better than others in some skill, talent, knowledge, etc. Most of us are. All of us know more about what we are experiencing and facing than anyone else for example. We each are the expert on being who we are. And anyone who has ever flown an airplane and landed it in one piece is a better flier than I (just to be clear, I have never tried). You can accurately have more skill at something than others and still be humble. If you need to convince people that you are better than others not simply to assure the best outcome in a situation (such as if you or I have to fly the plane and you have flown one) but rather because you are trying to boost your own ego, then you have some form of low self-​esteem. Boasting is a temporary fix. Realizing that you don’t have to boast is the only way to find peace. Humility is the way to join others. Lack of humility almost certainly springs from a humiliating moment (or series of moments) in the distant past. If so recognize the pattern and stop working so hard to prove yourself. Allow me to repeat the words of Thomas Merton: Finally I am coming to the conclusion that my highest ambition is to be what I already am. That I will never fulfill my obligation to surpass myself unless I first accept myself—​and, if I accept myself fully in the right way, I will already have surpassed myself. For it is the unaccepted self that stands in my way—​and will continue to do so as long as it is not accepted. When it is accepted it is my own stepping stone to what is above me. (Merton, 2004)

Yellow (Soft) Emotions  •  133 Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. Max Ehrman, Desiderata, 1927

Self-​Esteem is an emotional, a cognitive, and a systemic issue. If you are discriminated against it is easy to internalize it. If you only see images of beauty and success that are of the group that has power over you, it is easy to internalize that as a shortcoming on your part. If you have heard negative stereotypes all your life about the group you identify with and are identified with, it is easy to internalize it. If you are in a system characterized by inequality, you are in a system that is likely to artificially inflate the self-​esteem of those in power while deflating the self-​esteem of those who are oppressed. The opposite can also be true, that some of those in power will be embarrassed by their privilege, and some of those in the oppressed group will find strength in their resistance. Nonetheless, systemic inequality is emotionally and spiritually unhealthy for all. Only a rare few, such as Gandhi and Jesus, will rise above the morass. Once a year a black preacher was allowed to deliver the sermon. The rest of the year we had a white preacher who quoted again and again Ephesians 6:5, “Slaves obey your earthly masters with fear and trembling”. But the black preacher, at the end of the sermon, would lean towards them and say, “You are not a slave, You are not a ni***r, you are a child of God.” Howard Thurman, retelling a story from his grandmother, who was born a slave in 1840.

In his writing on the minority experience, in this case with the Jewish community in mind, but applying universal principles, Kurt Lewin addressed the effect of living in the field of systemic racism on self-​esteem. Unclearness as to whether, in a given case, a set-​back is due to the individual’s lack of ability or due to anti-​Semitism. If the young Jew is refused a job, is not invited to a birthday party, is not asked to join a club, he is usually not fully clear as to whether he himself is to blame or whether he is being discriminated against. A person who knows that his own shortcomings have caused his failure may do something to overcome them, or, if that is not possible, he can decide to apply his efforts in other directions.

134  •  Emotions—Red, Yellow, and Blue If he knows that his being refused has nothing to do with his own abilities he will not blame himself, and instead may try to change the social reality. However, if he is in doubt as to whether his own shortcomings are the cause of his experience, he will be disorientated. He will intermittently blame himself and refuse responsibility, blame the others and be apologetic. In other words, this unclearness necessarily leads to a disorganized emotional behavior on the area of self-​esteem which is so important for adjustment and personality development. (Lewin, 1999, p329)

My father has spent his entire life working on his own self-​esteem, and then with deep empathy finding ways to raise the self-​esteem of others. Here is an excerpt from his latest book: Universal Themes Themes often surface in T-​groups that are called psychological and are also spiritual. Low self-​esteem, “I’m not good enough” still haunts many of us. The Trappist monk Thomas Merton put it this way, “It is the unaccepted self that stands in my way and will continue to do so as long as it is not accepted.” Love of self is fundamental. Leviticus 19:18 reads “Love your neighbor as yourself.” Jesus, who quotes this, is seen as a Prophet in Islam, a Savior in Christianity, and his followers called him a Rabbi which means Master or Teacher in Hebrew. It surely means that the capacity to love your neighbor—​ the disinherited—​the stranger—​the immigrant, is deeply connected to your capacity to love self! The Buddhist statement, “You are accepted just as you are” means that one no longer has to struggle to find acceptance. Internally receiving that acceptance, thus loving self, contrasted with being selfish which is driven by self-​loathing, brings to one an amazing sigh of relief. I no longer have to look to others for approval! Loving self frees me to be compassionate. Social Justice is driven by compassion for others. It is realizing that no one is a stranger—​no one the Other. “The truly good … liberate those in debt and bondage” is written in the Quran (Al Quran 2:178). The statement ascribed to Jesus, “… I was a stranger and you welcomed me” (Matthew 25:35) is followed a few verses later by, “… when you did it to the least of these, you did it to me.” Another closely related theme that emerges in the T-​group is the ability to accept praise without deflecting. A simple “thanks” to the person giving

Yellow (Soft) Emotions  •  135 praise is difficult for many, let alone expressing praise with specificity about what the other said or did. According to data gathered from the 600 companies referenced earlier, supervisors/​managers rarely give such praise even though specific praise is well known to be a high motivator. Praise without specifically is not apt to be believed by those struggling with low esteem. It’s not unusual to have participants show up “in role.” In an intact/​cousin group with hourly workers, a supervisor, a union steward, perhaps an HR staff, etc., participants most often start interacting from their role rather than human-​to-​human. Learning that I “have a role” rather than that I am that role is a huge shift. Can I function with others as a human who has a role responsibility and who also can interact with my feelings? In life I am a human with various roles: child/​parent/​teacher/​counselor/​boss/​union leader/​HR staff, and on and on. To avoid becoming a robotic role one must “… find the genuine within” says Thurman … Otherwise, he warns, “… you will for the rest of your life be on the end of strings somebody else pulls!” Being stuck in a role is to be on the end of strings pulled, probably, by role expectations. Think of parents who are so stuck in their (important!) role that they can’t be genuine with their children. Since many of our T-​groups involve both managers/​supervisors and hourly workers, breaking down the role stuckness while still honoring the role function is critical and exciting at work and in life. As a young Seminary student I experienced this struggle myself and saw many fellow students already stuck. When they prayed in chapel they would have a certain tone that we called ministerial. Young wives of these students, many of whom were pastoring small churches, were developing a pious persona. Martin Buber in his classic, I-​Thou invites relationships to be person-​to-​ person rather than I-​It. When stuck in a role or a stereotype of the other, the spiritual depth and humanity of these others are missed. HR personnel often had, in our cousin T-​groups, difficulty being genuine. Some of the most exciting breakthroughs, especially in our two-​year twelve week Alcoa graduate program was when these professionals (average age 45 years with lead HR roles in Plants) discovered that they could be genuine and function even better in their role. Lamenting that his parents had spent their lives stuck in one identity, Carlos Castaneda has don Juan say, “Life is too short to have just one identity.” I would add, “Or to be stuck in a role(s).” (Crosby et al., 2019, p73)

136  •  Emotions—Red, Yellow, and Blue Two thousand years ago a great master said, “And you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” Well, now you know that the truth is what you are. The next step is to see the truth, to see what you are. Only then are you free. Free of what? Free of all the distortions in your knowledge, free of all the emotional drama that is the consequence of believing in lies. When the truth sets you free, the symbols you learned are no longer ruling your world. It’s not about being right or wrong, or good or bad. It’s not about being a winner or a loser. It’s not about being young or old, beautiful or ugly. All that is over. It was nothing but symbols. You’ll know that you are totally free when you no longer have to be the you that you pretend to be. This freedom is profound. It’s the freedom to be the real you, and it’s the greatest gift that you can give yourself. (Ruiz et al., 2010, p185)

GRATEFULNESS I added gratefulness last, having only recently discovered the wisdom of David Steindl-​Rast (1926–​), a Benedictine Monk whom I first heard being interviewed by Oprah Winfrey. I am truly grateful to both for putting this aspect of emotionally into focus as a foundation for spiritual life. In daily life we must see that it is not happiness that makes us grateful. It is gratefulness that makes us happy. David Steindl-​Rast (McClory et al., 2018)

As Viktor Frankl showed us, one can be grateful under any circumstances. As Rabbi Freidman teaches, a spiritual life is not about not facing challenges, a spiritual life is about how we face challenges. As Grandfather Frees said no matter what had occurred, God is good. Gratefulness as a way of being helps us embrace the here and now. No matter how early or late you go to bed and rise, grateful living will make you healthy and wealthy and wise –​healthy, through living in tune with the world; wealthy, because the grateful heart lacks nothing; and wise, because wisdom ripens as the most exquisite fruit in the garden of everyday gratitude. David Steindl-​Rast (McClory et al., 2018)

Yellow (Soft) Emotions  •  137

AWE, INSPIRATION, FAITH, AND MYSTERY The highest to which man could attain is wonder; and if the prime phenomenon makes him wonder, let him be content. Nothing higher can it give him, and nothing further should he seek for behind it; here is the limit. Goethe (Watts, 1951, p151) There is a Being that encompasses all, And it existed before the earth or the universe. Calm, indeed, and immaterial; It is singular and changeless. All creation flows from it and returns to it. It is the world’s mother. Humanity is the child of the earth; Earth is the child of the universe; The universe is the child of the Tao. The Tao has no mother; but is mother of all. Lao Tzu (Tzu, 2018, p25) He who thinks that God is not comprehended, by him God is comprehended; but he who thinks that God is comprehend did knows him not. God is unknown to those who know him, and is known to those who do not know him at all. The Hindu Upanishads (Watts, 1951, p150) Faith is an action … a leap not to belief in a doctrine … but to a way of being … a leap across a chasm of unknowing! And always within me there is the rumor that I may be wrong! And that’s my growing edge! (Thurman, 2006) Some researchers into Navajo religion say that we have no supreme God because he is not named. This is not so. The Supreme Being is not named because he is unknowable. He is simply the Unknown Power. We worship him through his creation for he is everything in his creation. The various forms of creation have some of his spirit within them. Carl Gorman, Navajo Artist (Huston, 1991, p432)

138  •  Emotions—Red, Yellow, and Blue God would say: Stop praying. What I want you to do is go out into the world and enjoy your life. I want you to sing, have fun and enjoy everything I’ve made for you. Stop going into those dark, cold temples that you built yourself and saying they are my house. My house is in the mountains, in the woods, rivers, lakes, beaches. That’s where I live and there I express my love for you. Stop blaming me for your miserable life; I never told you there was anything wrong with you or that you were a sinner, or that your sexuality was a bad thing. Sex is a gift I have given you and with which you can express your love, your ecstasy, your joy. So don’t blame me for everything they made you believe. Stop reading alleged sacred scriptures that have nothing to do with me. If you can’t read me in a sunrise, in a landscape, in the look of your friends, in your son’s eyes … you will find me in no book! Stop asking me “will you tell me how to do my job?” Stop being so scared of me. I do not judge you or criticize you, nor get angry, or bothered. I am pure love. Stop asking for forgiveness, there’s nothing to forgive. If I made you … I filled you with passions, limitations, pleasures, feelings, needs, inconsistencies … free will. How can I blame you if you respond to something I put in you? How can I punish you for being the way you are, if I’m the one who made you? Do you think I could create a place to burn all my children who behave badly for the rest of eternity? What kind of god would do that? Respect your peers and don’t do what you don’t want for yourself. All I ask is that you pay attention in your life, that alertness is your guide. My beloved, this life is not a test, not a step on the way, not a rehearsal, nor a prelude to paradise. This life is the only thing here and now and it is all you need. I have set you absolutely free, no prizes or punishments, no sins or virtues, no one carries a marker, no one keeps a record. You are absolutely free to create in your life. Heaven or hell. I can’t tell you if there’s anything after this life but I can give you a tip. Live as if there is not. As if this is your only chance to enjoy, to love, to exist. So, if there’s nothing after, then you will have enjoyed the opportunity I gave you. And if there is, rest assured that I won’t ask if you behaved right or wrong, I’ll ask. Did you like it? Did you have fun? What did you enjoy the most? What did you learn? … Stop believing in me; believing is assuming, guessing, imagining. I don’t want you to believe in me, I want you to believe in you. I want you to feel me in you when you kiss your beloved, when you tuck in your little girl, when you caress your dog, when you bathe in the sea.

Yellow (Soft) Emotions  •  139 Stop praising me, what kind of egomaniac God do you think I am? I’m bored being praised. I’m tired of being thanked. Feeling grateful? Prove it by taking care of yourself, your health, your relationships, the world. Express your joy! That’s the way to praise me. Stop complicating things and repeating as a parakeet what you’ve been taught about me. What do you need more miracles for? So many explanations? The only thing for sure is that you are here, that you are alive, that this world is full of wonders. Baruch de Spinoza (1632–​1677), Dutch Philosopher One of the greatest favors bestowed on the soul transiently in this life is to enable it to see so distinctly and to feel so profoundly that it cannot comprehend God at all. These souls are hearin somewhat like the saints in heaven, where they who know him most perfectly perceive most clearly that he is infinitely incomprehensible; for those who have the less clear vision do not perceive so clearly as do these others how greatly he transcends their vision. St. John of the Cross (Watts, 1951, p151) In such wonder there is not a hunger but fulfillment. Almost everyone has known it, but only in rare instants when the startling beauty or strangeness of a scene drew the mind away from its self-​pursuit, and for a moment made it unable to find words for the feeling. We are, then, most fortunate to be living in a time when human knowledge has gone so far that it begins to be at a loss for words, not at the strange and marvelous alone, but at the most ordinary things. The dust on the shelves has become as much of a mystery as the remotest stars; we know enough of both to know that we know nothing. Eddington, the physicist. is nearest to the mystics, not in his airier flights of fancy, but when he says quite simply, “Something unknown is doing we don’t know what.” Alan Watts (Watts, 1951, p151) The first peace, which is the most important, is that which comes within the souls of people when they realized their relationship, their oneness, with the universe and all its powers, and when they realize that the center of the universe dwells Wakan-​Tanka (the Great Spirit), and that this center is really everywhere, it is within each of us. This is the real piece, and the others are but reflections of this. The second peace is that which is made between two individuals. The third is that which is made between two nations.

140  •  Emotions—Red, Yellow, and Blue But above all you should understand that there can never be peace between nations until there is known that true peace, which, as I have often said, is within the souls of men. Black Elk, Oglala Sioux (1865–​1950) When you are dead, seek for your resting place not in the earth, but in the hearts of men. Rumi (Dyer, 1998) In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. (John 1:1) AUM is a word that represents to our ears that sound of the energy of the universe in which all things are manifestations. You start in the back of the mouth “ahh,” and then “oo,” you fill the mouth, and “mm” closes the mouth … AUM is a symbolic sound that puts you in touch with that resounding being that is the universe. If you heard some of the recordings of Tibetan monks chanting AUM, you would know what the word means, all right. That’s the AUM of being in the world. To be in touch with that and to get the sense of that is the peak experience of all. A-​U-​M. The birth, the coming into being, and the dissolution that cycles back. AUM is called the “four element syllable.” And what is the fourth element? The silence at the which AUM arises, and back into which it goes, and which underlies it. My life is the A-​U-​M, but there is a silence underlying it, too … That is what we would call the immortal. This is the mortal and that’s the immortal, and there wouldn’t be the mortal if there weren’t the immortal. One must discriminate between the mortal aspect and the immortal aspect of one’s existence. (Campbell, 1988, p230) To know eternity is enlightenment.

Lao Tzu (Tzu, 2018, p16)

As it regarded the worship of God, he was to be worshipped at all times and in all places; and one portion of time never seemed to her more holy than another. Sojourner Truth

Yellow (Soft) Emotions  •  141 Before enlightenment chop wood carry water; after enlightenment chop wood carry water. Zen saying (Dyer, 1998, p35)

A Dream I just woke up from a dream. In the dream God told me that we are pure energy, Pure consciousness, Souls. Infinite and invisible, Right here, right now. We have nothing to fear. Water cleans us. That’s what happened. I kept waking up and drifting back to sleep. Each time bits of information were added … and subtracted. I thought “I should write this down,” But I wanted to keep dreaming. Writing is different than dreaming. So I dreamed some more, Until now. I did my best not to make anything up in my woken state. Mere moments later I don’t know for sure what is real, What is dream, What is not, What is God, What is not. I do not claim to know for certain.

142  •  Emotions—Red, Yellow, and Blue This was for me, and still is, an exciting and spiritual experience. Every part of God’s creation is fresh and new to me this morning, At least for a while. I give thanks. Perhaps projection. Perhaps The Truth. I hold space for that mystery. How do you put such mystery into words and not have it become something different than what it was? Gilmore Crosby

Appendix The Religions of Man

POINT OF DEPARTURE I write these opening lines on a day widely celebrated throughout Christendom as World-​Wide Communion Sunday. The sermon in the service I attended this morning dwelt on Christianity as a world phenomenon. From mud huts in Africa to the Canadian tundra, Christians are kneeling today to receive the elements of the Holy Eucharist. It is an impressive picture. Still, as I listened with half my mind, the other half wandered to the wider company of God-​seekers. I thought of the Yemenite Jews I watched six months ago in their synagogue in Jerusalem: dark-​skinned men sitting shoeless and cross-​legged on the floor, wrapped in the prayer shawls their ancestors wore in the desert. They are there today, at least a quorum of ten, morning and evening, swaying backwards and forward like camel riders as they recite their Torah, following a form they inherit unconsciously from the centuries when their fathers were forbidden to ride the desert horse and developed this pretense in compensation. Yalcin, the Muslim architect who guided me through the Blue Mosque in Istanbul, has completed his month’s Ramadan fast, which was beginning while we were together; but he too is praying today, five times as he prostrates himself toward Mecca. Swami Ramakrishna, in his tiny house by the Ganges at the foot of the Himalayas, will not speak today. He will continue the devotional silence that, with the exception of three days each year, he has kept for five years. By this hour U Nu is probably facing the delegations, crises, and cabinet meetings that are the lot of a prime minister, but from four to six this morning, before the world broke over him, he too was alone with the eternal in the privacy of the Buddhist shrine that adjoins his home in 143

144 • Appendix Rangoon. Dai Jo and Lai San, Zen monks in Kyoto, were ahead of him by an hour. They have been up since three this morning, and until eleven tonight will spend most of the day sitting immovable in the lotus position as they seek with intense absorption to plumb the Buddha-​nature that lies at the center of their being. What a strange fellowship this is, the God-​seekers in every land, lifting their voices in the most disparate ways imaginable to the God of all life. How does it sound from above? Like bedlam, or do the strains blend in strange, ethereal harmony? Does one faith carry the lead, or do the parts share in counterpoint and antiphony when not in full-​ throated chorus? We cannot know. All we can do is try to listen carefully and with full attention to each voice in turn as it addresses the divine. Such listening defines the purpose of this book. It may be wondered if the purpose is not too broad. The religions we propose to consider belt the world. Their histories stretch back thousands of years, and they are motivating more people today than ever before. Is it possible to listen seriously to them within the compass of a single book? The answer is that it is because we shall be approaching them with special and limited intents. These must be seen and kept in mind or the picture that emerges from the pages that follow will mislead and distort. Before seeing what this book is, or at least tries to be, let us make as clear as possible what it is not. 1. This is not a textbook in the history of religions. This will explain the scarcity of names, dates, movements, and social crosscurrents in what follows. There are excellent books that focus on precisely this material.1 They are invaluable. This book, too, could have been swollen prodigiously with the facts that they present. But it is not its intent to do their job in addition to its own. Historical facts, as a consequence, have been held to the minimum needed to give the ideas discussed some grounding in space and time. Beyond this, every fact to escape deletion has had to be one that made an appreciable difference to the outlook in question. The book is written against the background of what scholars have uncovered about the history of religions, but their material has been built upon without

1 A standard one is John B. Noss, Man’s Religions (New York: Macmillan, 1984).

Appendix • 145 allowing it to clutter or eclipse the meaning the religions held and hold for human life. Every attempt has been made to keep scholarship in the foundations, essential to the strength of the structure but out of sight, instead of letting it rise in scaffolding which would obstruct the view of the mansions themselves. 2. Even in the realm of meaning, the book does not attempt to give a rounded view of the religions discussed. To do so would have required writing either a huge book or a choppy one. For people differ even when nurtured by the same culture, and as religion must try to speak to the needs of them all it has no choice but to spread out in almost endless diversity even within the same tradition. One needs to think only of Christianity. Eastern Orthodox Christians worship in ornate cathedrals while Quakers consider even a steeple as a desecration. St. Thomas finds no theological doctrine acceptable if it goes against reason while Tertullian cries “I believe because it is absurd.” There are Christian mystics and Christians who reject mysticism as beginning in ‘mist,’ centering in ‘I,’ and ending in ‘scism.’ Albertus Magnus finds religious meaning in cracking the hard nut of a theological argument, St. Francis in preaching to birds and flowers. There are Christian Holy Rollers and Christian Unitarians. How is it possible to say in a single chapter what Christianity means to all Christians? The answer, of course, is that it is not possible. Selection is unavoidable. The question facing an author is not whether to select among points of view within a given religion; the questions are how many to present and which ones. In this book, the first question has been answered by the principle of economy. Forced to choose, the attempt has been to do reasonable justice to a modest array of perspectives instead of crowding in, catalog fashion, a more complete spectrum. In some cases (e.g., Islam) this has meant confining myself to a single statement, ignoring differences between Sunnis and Sheites, or between traditionalists and modernists. In other cases (the Big and Little Rafts of Buddhism, for instance) two or three of the most important differences within a religion have been set forth. The number never goes above three lest the trees obscure the wood. Put the matter this way: if you were trying to describe Christianity to an intelligent and interested but busy Thailander, how many versions would you include? You could hardly pass over the differences between Roman Catholic, Greek Orthodox, and Protestant. But you would probably not try

146 • Appendix to bring in to one sitting what divides Presbyterians, Baptists, Methodists, and Episcopalians. When we turn to the second question—​which views are to be presented—​ the guiding principle has been relevant to the interests of the intended readers. Such relevance has been determined by weighing three considerations. The first is sheer numbers. There are some faiths with which every alert world citizen should be acquainted, simply because of the hundreds of millions of persons who live by them. Second, there is the question of relevance to the modern mind. Because the ultimate good that might come from a book like this, even beyond that of world understanding, is help to the reader in ordering and quickening his own life, priority has been given to what, with caution yet a certain confidence, we may regard as these religions’ contemporary expressions. The third consideration is universality. Every religion is a blend of universal principles and local setting. The former, when lifted out and made clear, speak to man as man, whatever his time or place. The latter, a rich compound of myth and rite, can never make its way into the emotional life of an outsider and can reach his understanding only with the help of a poet or skilled anthropologist. It is one of the illusions of rationalism that the universal principles of religion are more important than the rites and rituals from which they grow. To say this is like saying that a tree is more important than the sun and soil from which it draws its life. But for this book principles are more important than contexts if for no other reason than that they are what the author has been trained to work with. I have read books that have transplanted contexts themselves, an entire ecological environment of the spirit, and made them live: Nectar in a Sieve for India, My Country and My People for China, The Old Country for Eastern European Jews. Someday I hope someone will write a book on the religions of man which conveys these intimate living contexts out of which they have grown. But this is a book I shall read not write. I know my limitations and stick to those perspectives where ideological elements either predominate or can be readily extracted. 3. This book is not a balanced view of its subject. The warning is important. I wince to think of the shock if the reader were to close the chapter on Hinduism and step directly into the Hinduism described by Nehru as “a religion that enslaves you”: her Kali Temple in Calcutta, the curse of her caste system, her two million cows revered to the point

Appendix • 147 of nuisance, her fakirs deliberately offering their bodies as living sacrifice to bedbugs. Or what if he were to find himself in the streets of the leading city of Bali with one of its two movie houses named the Vishnu-​ Hollywood after the second god in the Hindu trinity and bookstores doing brisk business in Klasik Comics in which Hindu gods and goddesses mow down hosts of unsightly demons with cosmic ray guns? I know the contrast. I feel it vividly between what I have written of Taoism and the Taoism that surrounded me during the years of my youth in China: its almost complete submergence in augury, necromancy, and superstition. It is like the contrast between the Silent Christ and the Grand Inquisitor, between the sermon on the Mount and the wars of Christiandom, between the stillness of Bethlehem and department stores blaring “Silent Night” to promote Christmas shopping. The full story of religion is not rose-​colored. It is not all insight and inspiration. It is often crude; charity and wisdom are often rare and the net expressions bizarre when not revolting. A balanced view of man’s religions would record its perversions as well as its glories. It would include human sacrifice and scapegoating, fanaticism and persecution, the Christian Crusades, and the holy wars of Islam. It would include witch hunts in Massachusetts, monkey trials in Tennessee, and snake worship in the Ozarks—​the list would have no end. Why then are these things not included in the pages that follow? My answer is so simple that it may sound ingenuous. This is a book about values. Probably as much bad music as good has been written in the course of human history, but we do not expect that a course in music appreciation gives it equal space. Time being limited, we expect no apology for spending it with the best. I have taken a similar position with regard to religion. A recent book on legal science carries the author’s confession that he has written lovingly of the law. If something as impersonal as the law has captured one author’s love, it should be no surprise that religion has captured another’s. Others will be interested in trying to balance the record to determine if religion in its entirety has been more of a blessing than a curse. This has not been my concern. 4. This is not a book on comparative religions in the sense of speaking of their comparative worth. Comparisons among things men hold dear always tend to be odious, those among religions most odious of all. Hence, there is no assumption in this book either that one religion is or is not

148 • Appendix superior to others. Comparative religion which takes such questions for its concern usually degenerates into competitive religion. What is more, the growth in knowledge of all religions together with the appearance of new sects in many make the standard contrasts which have been built up thus far daily more insecure. “There is no one alive today,” Arnold Toynbee observed, “who knows enough to say with confidence whether one religion has been greater than all others.” Coming from the man who should be able to pronounce on this point if anyone could, the statement carries weight. For my part I have approached all the religious history treated in these pages as sacred history: questions of degree I have, with Toynbee, felt I had not the God’s eye view to speak to. I have tried to let the best in each religion come through; the reader may draw his own comparisons from there. Thus far we have been saying what this book is not. Now we must say what it is. 1. It is a book that seeks to embrace the world. In one sense, of course, that wish must remain frustrated. Being finite, man’s arms even when spread to the maximum reach only a certain distance and his feet must be planted somewhere; there must always be some base on which he stands and from which his vision proceeds. To begin with the obvious, this book is written in English which from the start anchors it to some extent. Next comes cross-​references introduced to facilitate entry into the reader’s understanding. There are proverbs from China, tales from India, paradoxes from Japan, but most of the illustrations come from the West. A line from Shakespeare, a verse from the Bible, a suggestion from psychoanalysis, the idiom is western throughout. Beyond idiom, however, the book is inescapably Western in being directed to the mindset of the contemporary western reader. This has been due to necessity; this being the writer’s own mindset, it was the only book he could write. But one must recognize it as a limitation and understand that the book would have been different if written by a Zen Buddhist, a Muslim Sufi, or a Polish Jew. This book, then, has a home—​a home whose doors swing freely both in and out, a base from which to journey forth and return only to hit the road again in study and imaginings when not in actual travel. If it is possible to be homesick for the world, even places one has never been and suspects one will never see, this book is the child of such homesickness.

Appendix • 149 We live in a fantastic century. I leave aside the incredible discoveries of science, and the narrow ridge between doom and fulfillment onto which they have pushed us, and speak only of the new situation among peoples. Lands across the planet have become our neighbors, China across the street, Egypt at our doorstep. Radio and air traffic have shriveled space until the only barrier is cost. Even where plane fare is lacking there is a never-​ending stream of books, documentaries, and visitors from abroad. A random issue of Metropolitan daily carries word of yesterday’s doings in 17 countries. We hear on all sides that East and West are meeting but it is an understatement. They are being flung at one another, hurled with the force of atoms, the speed of jets, the restlessness of minds impatient to learn the ways that differ from their own. From the perspective of history, this may prove to be the most important fact about the 20th century. When historians look back upon our years they may remember them not for the release of nuclear power nor the spread of Communism but as the time in which all the peoples of the world first had to take one another seriously. The change in role this new situation requires of us all—​we who have been suddenly catapulted from town and country onto a world stage—​ is enormous. Twenty-​five hundred years ago it took an exceptional man like Socrates to say on his deathbed, “I am not an Athenian or a Greek but a citizen of the world.” Today we must all be struggling toward these words. We have come to the point in history when anyone who is only a Japanese or only an American, only an Oriental or only a Westerner, is but half human; the other half of his being that beats with the pulse of all mankind has yet to be born. To borrow Nietzsche’s image, we have all been summoned to become Cosmic Dancers who do not rest heavily in a single spot but lightly turn and leap from one position to another. We shall all have our own perspectives, but they can no longer be cast in the hard molds of oblivion to the rest. The Cosmic Dancer, the World Citizen, will be an authentic child of its parent culture but related closely to all. He will not identify his whole being with any one land however dear. Where he prides himself on his culture or nationality, as he well may, his will be an affirming pride born of gratitude for the values he has gained, not a defensive pride whose only device for achieving the sense of superiority it pathetically needs is by grinding down others through invidious comparison. His roots in his family, his community, his civilization will be deep, but in that

150 • Appendix very depth he will strike the water table of man’s common humanity and thus nourished will reach out in more active curiosity, more open vision, to discover and understand what others have seen. For is he not also man? If only he might see what has interested others, might it not interest him as well? It is an exciting prospect. The classic ruts between native and foreign, barbarian and Greek, East and West, will be softened if not effaced. Instead of crude and boastful contrast there will be borrowings in exchange, mutual help, cross-​fertilization that leads sometimes to good strong hybrids but for the most part simply enriches the species in question and continues its vigor. The motives that impel us toward world understanding may be several. Recently I was taxied by a bomber to the Air Command and Staff College at the Maxwell Air Force Base outside Montgomery, Alabama, to lecture to 1,000 selected officers on the religions of other peoples. I have never had students more eager to learn. What was their motivation? Individually I am sure it went beyond this in many cases, but as a unit, they were concerned because someday they were likely to be dealing with the peoples they were studying as allies, antagonists, or subjects of military occupation. Under such circumstances it would be crucial for them to predict their behavior, conquer them if worst came to worst, and control them during the aftermath of reconstruction. This is one reason for coming to know people. It may be a necessary reason; certainly we have no right to disdain it as long as we ask the military to do the job we set before it. Nevertheless one would hope that there are motives for understanding more elevated than that of national security. President Eisenhower moved into these when he remarked, “With everyone a loser in any new war, a better understanding than ever before is essential among people and among nations.” These simple words give expression to world impulses, world dangers, world destinies. Here the motive for understanding is not military success; it is to make military action unnecessary. In a word, the motive is peace. The word rings so sweet that our first impulse is to clasp it as the final goal of all our seekings. But this would be wrong. Peace as we usually use the word is the absence of war and as such, however indispensable, is essentially negative. The final argument for understanding another cannot be to keep out of trouble with him; it is to enjoy the wider angle of vision such understanding affords. The vision can carry a thousand

Appendix • 151 derivative benefits, silent harvests of the yield of wisdom, but the basic reward is the view itself. We are, of course, speaking of vision and view in the mental sense but an analogy from physical sight is applicable. Experiments in the psychology of sense perception have shown that without the use of both eyes, without binocular vision, there can be no awareness of space’s third dimension. Step up the power of a single eye as much as you please, without convergence from more than one angle the world would look as flat as a postcard. There would be above and below, right and left, but no near and far, no thickness, no substance, no body; the roundness of an orange would be a circle, not a sphere. The rewards of having two eyes are intensely practical. They keep us from bumping into things and enable us to judge the speed of approaching cars. But the final reward is the deeper view of the world they make possible, the panoramas they unroll before us, the vistas they spread at our feet. It is the same with mental vision. “What do they know of England who only England know?” The practical gains that come from being able to look at the world through the eyes of another people are enormous. They can enable industry to do business with Iran; they can keep a nation from tripping so often in a crowded and busy world. But the greatest gains need no tally. To glimpse what belonging means to a Chinese; to sense with a Burmese grandmother what passes in life and what endures; to understand how a Hindu can regard his personality as only a mask overlaying and obscuring the Infinite beneath and see how he can accept personal and impersonal views of God as equally true; to crack the paradox of a Zen monk in Kyoto who will assure you there is no difference between thieving and charity but who would never dream of thieving himself—​to swing such things into view is to introduce a whole new dimension into the glance of spirit. It is to have another world to live in. The only thing good without qualification is not as Kant argued the goodwill—​a will can mean well within terribly narrow confines. The only thing good without qualification is extended vision, the enlargement of one’s understanding and awareness of what reality is ultimately like. These thoughts about world understanding, its necessity, its incentives, and its rewards, lead directly to the religions of man. The surest way to the heart of a people is through their religion, assuming it is still alive and has not fossilized. Which distinction, between religion dead

152 • Appendix and religion alive, brings us to the second affirmative characteristic of this book. 2. It is a book that takes religion seriously. To begin with, it will be no tourist guide. There will be no hustling through men’s faiths to light on what has shock value for the curiosity seeker; no dwelling on the strange, the bizarre, and the fantastic; no ascetics on beds of nails, no crucifixions among Indians in New Mexico, no Parsi Towers of Silence where the dead are dumped to be eaten by vultures, no absorption with cults like Indic Tantra which uses sex as a means to salvation. Such material is a part of the religions of man. But the focus on it, lifting it out of context and waving it before the public drool, is, where not straight sacrilege, the crudest kind of vulgarization. There are more refined ways not to take religion seriously. One way is to stress its importance, but for other people—​people of the past, people of other cultures, people whose ego strength needs bolstering. This, too, will not be our approach. The parts of speech we use will be those of the third person. We shall be talking about Hindus, Buddhists, Confucianists, Muslims—​it will be “they,” and “them” most of the way. But behind these the tacit concern will be for “we” and “us.” The chief reason I find myself returning to the religions of man is for help on questions I have not been able to get away from even when I have tried to ignore and forget. Given the essential similarity of human nature, it is safe to assume that they are questions that will not have escaped the reader either. Nor will we fall into the other indirect way of belittling religion which also affirms its importance but this time is an instrument for achieving ends other than those of religion itself: artistic inspiration, for example, or health, success, personal adjustment, group loyalty. This is a book about religion that exists, in William James’ contrast, not as a dull habit but as an acute fever. Is about religion alive. And whenever religion comes to life it displays a startling quality; it takes over. All else, while not silenced, becomes subdued and thrown without contest into a supporting role. Religion alive confronts the individual with the most momentous option this world can present. It calls the soul to the highest adventure it can undertake, a proposed journey across the jungles, peaks, and deserts of the human spirit. The goal is to confront reality, to master the self. Those who dare to hear and follow this secret call soon learn the dangers and difficulties of its lonely journey.

Appendix • 153 A sharpened edge of a razor, hard to traverse; A difficult path is this—​the poets declare!2

Science, as Justice Holmes was fond of saying, makes major contributions to minor needs. Religion, whether or not it comes up with anything, is at least at work on the things that matter most. When, then, a lone spirit succeeds in breaking through to major conquests here, he becomes more than a king—​he becomes a world redeemer. His impact stretches for millennia, blessing the tangled course of human history. “Who are … the greatest benefactors of the living generation of mankind?” Toynbee asked. “I should say: ‘Confucius and Laotze, the Buddha, the Prophets of Israel and Judah, Zoroaster, Jesus, Mohammed and Socrates.’ ”3 The answer should not surprise. Authentic religion is the clearest opening through which the inexhaustible energies of the cosmos can pour into human existence. What then can rival its power to touch and inspire the deepest creative centers of man’s being? Moving outward from there into myth and rite it provides the symbols that carry history forward, until at length its power too is spent against the world’s backwash and life awaits a new redemption. This recurrent pattern leads even the unpious like George Bernard Shaw, to conclude that religion is the only real motive force in the world. It is religion in this sense that will be our object in the chapters ahead. 3. Finally, this book makes a real effort to communicate. I think of it as a work of translation, a work that has been concerned not only to penetrate the worlds of the Hindus, Buddhists, and Muslims but also to throw a bridge from these to the reader’s world. The study of religion can be as technical and academic as any, but I have tried not to lose sight of the relevance this material has for the problems that men face today. “If you cannot—​in the long run—​tell everyone what you have been doing,” wrote a great contemporary scientist who is also a superb translator, “your doing has been worthless.”4 This concern for translation accounts for the book’s stance with respect toward historical scholarship.

2 Katha Upanishad I. iii. p14. 3 Civilization on Trial (New York: Oxford University Press, 1948), p156. 4 Erwin Schrodinger, Science and Humanism (Cambridge: Cambridge University Press, 1952), p9.

154 • Appendix As far as I am aware there is nothing in these pages contrary to the facts historians have discovered. But beyond this avoidance of straight inaccuracy, the relation of my presentation to historical evidence is less simple. I have deleted enormously, simplifying matters where historical details seemed to clog the meaning I was trying to get at. I have occasionally supplied corollaries where these seemed clearly implied but were not stated, and have occasionally introduced examples that seemed in keeping with the spirit of the material but were not actually found in the traditions in question. These liberties may lead some historians to feel that the book “sits loose on the facts.” But the problem has been more complicated than one of straight history. Religion is not primarily a matter of facts in the historical sense; it is a matter of meanings. An account may speak endlessly of gods and rites and beliefs, but unless it leads us to see how these things help men to meet such problems as isolation, tragedy, and death it may be impeccably accurate, but religion has not been touched at all. I have tried to keep this account of man’s religions religiously translucent. In sum, I have tried to let the book make religious sense without violating any other sense it might be happy enough to make in addition. Religion is not precisely history, but, as it is not fiction either, a book on the religions of man is no more at liberty to violate fact than to violate the human spirit by burying it under dead fact. What it takes fact and spirit to be are, of course, its ultimate gamble. We are about to begin a voyage in space and time and eternity. The places will often be distant, the times remote, the themes beyond space and time altogether. We shall have to use words that are foreign—​Sanskrit, Chinese, and Arabic. We shall describe conditions of the soul that words can only hint at. We shall have to use logic to try to corner perspectives that laugh at our attempt. And ultimately, we shall fail; being ourselves of a different cast of mind, we shall never quite understand those of the religions that are not our own. But if we take those religions seriously we need not fail badly. And to take them seriously we need do only two things. One, we need to see their adherents as men and women confronted with problems like ourselves. Second, we must rid our minds of all preconceptions that will dull their sensitivity or alertness to fresh insights. If we lay aside our preformed ideas about these religions, see each as the work of men who were struggling to see something that would give help and meaning to their lives, and then try ourselves, without prejudice, to see what they saw—​if we

Appendix • 155 do these things the veil that separates us from them, while not removed, can be reduced to gauze. A great anatomist used to close his opening lecture to beginning medical students with some words whose tenor applies equally well to our own undertaking. “In this course,” he would say, “we shall be dealing with flesh and bones and cells and sinews, and there are going to be times when it’s all going to seem terribly cold-​blooded. But never forget. It’s alive!”

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Index Note: Page numbers in italics indicte figures on the corresponding pages. absence of nonanxious leadership 86–​7 accuracy 44 active listening 51, 67 Addison, J. 128 adrenaline 19 Ali, Imam 129 Amini, A. 61 amygdala 18–​19 anger 16–​17, 108–​11; roots of 109–​11 anxiety 41, 53, 115–​16; see also Characteristics of Chronically Anxious Systems anxious attachment 68–​9 appreciation 130 Aristotle 33, 34 attachment 61–​3; anxious 68–​9; avoidant 65–​7; disorganized 69–​72; secure 63–​5 AUM sound 140 Aupumet, Chief 117 avoidant attachment 65–​7 awe 137–​42 Bacharach, B. 125 Battle 124 Bay of Pigs 111 Bible, the 9, 117, 125, 128, 134, 140, 148; on shame and guilt 120; see also Jesus Christ Black Elk 139–​40 blaming: displaced 85–​6; long history of 9–​10; never helping 10–​11 blue (fragile) emotions 103–​6, 104; depression 121; fear and courage 116–​17; humiliation 120–​1, 131–​6; sadness, sorrow, grief 117–​19; shame and guilt 120; trust and mistrust 127–​8; worry, anxiety, discomfort 115–​16 body language 78–​9 Bohm, D. 45, 47 Bowen, M. 5, 22–​3, 23, 26, 66–​7, 83

brain: basic neuroscience of 17–​19, 18; in mind-​body connection 27–​8 breathing, conscious 50 Brooks, M. 53 Buber, M. 135 Buddhism 29, 99, 134, 143–​4, 152, 153 Campbell, J.: on AUM sound 140; on empathy 131; on eternity as dimension of here and now 24; on fear and courage 116; on following your own way 40; on giving up being what you are not 61; on self-​awareness 13; on self-​ differentiation 36 Cashmore, E. E. 131 Castaneda, C. 125, 135 cause and effect 57–​9 Characteristics of Chronically Anxious Systems: absence of nonanxious leadership in 86–​7; displaced blame in 85–​6; error likely in 86; herding in 84–​5; quick fix mentality in 86; reactivity in 84 Cherokee Indians 45 Christianity 143, 145–​6; see also Bible, the; Jesus Christ Clemente, R. 109 cognition and emotion 57–​9 cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) 57 Communism 149 compassion 43–​4 confirmation bias 8 conflict skills 52–​4, 53 Confucianism 152 Confucius 128 conscious breathing 50 courage 116–​17 Covey, S. 46 COVID-​19 pandemic 54 Crosby, C. 17–​18 Crosby, G. 99, 141–​2

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160 • Index Crosby, R. P. 4–​5, 18–​19, 29–​30, 38, 38, 106, 109, 135 Crosby EQ Hierarchy 7–​10, 7; empathy 43–​8; self-​awareness 13–​42; skills 49–​55 Crosby-​Style EQ 4, 8 Crossley-​Holland, K. 117 cultural bias 32–​3 Dahl, R. 41 Dalai Lama, the 44, 110, 131 defensiveness 112–​14 democratic style of situational leadership 91–​4, 92 depression 121 de Spinoza, B. 138–​9 Destructive Emotions 19 detachment 61–​3; see also attachment Developing Mind, The 30, 63 dialogue 47, 67 discomfort 115–​16 discussion/​debate 45–​6 disorganized attachment 69–​72 displaced blame 85–​6 Donne, J. 52 dreams 141–​2 Dune 117 Dyer, W. 46, 99, 118, 124, 140, 141 Eckhart, M. 130 ego 29, 29, 41 Ehrman, M. 133 Einstein, A. 5–​6 Eisenhower, D. D. 150 Emotional Intelligence 5 emotional intensity 24–​5 emotions: blue (fragile) 103–​6, 104, 115–​21; reclaiming full range of 13–​20, 18; red (hard) 103–​6, 104, 107–​14; yellow (soft) 103–​6, 104, 123–​42 empathy 7, 7; accuracy and 44; compassion and 43–​4; interaction conveying 47–​8; open mind and respecting differences in 44–​7; as yellow emotion 131 endorphins 19 EQ (emotional intelligence) 3–​6; as marshmallows on a stick 99–​102, 100 error likely 86 essence 29, 39–​40, 41

faith 137–​42 Family Evaluation 26 family systems theory 5, 76–​7 Family Ties That Bind 37 fear 116–​17 feedback 79 feeling description 51 field theory 83–​8 Fight, Flight, Freeze 17 fight-​flight response 86 Floyd, G. 10 forgiveness 129–​30 Frankl, V. 57, 136 Frederick II 63 Freud, S. 33, 36 Friedman, E. 4, 9, 28, 54, 67; on Characteristics of Chronically Anxious Systems 41–​2, 83–​5; on playfulness 41–​2; on self-​differentiated leadership 89–​91 Galileo 59, 112 Gandhi, M. 87, 108; on being the change you want to see 8, 9; on nonviolence 95, 96; on restlessness and impatience 129; secure attachment in 64 Garvey, M. 44 Gautama, S. 22 General Theory of Love, A 61 Get Unstuck from Fundamentalism 40 Ghazal, The 43 Gibran, K. 125 Goleman, D. 5, 6, 19, 44 Gorman, C. 137 gossip 74 gratefulness 136 group decision 35 guilt 120 habits and patterns, identification of 20–​2 Hanh, T. N.: on anger 109, 110–​11; on appreciation 130; on blaming 10; on conscious breathing 50; on emotions 14–​15; on finding peace 54, 57; on happiness in the present moment 26; on noticing, accepting, and transforming feelings 101 Hathaway, N. 18 Haudenosaunee Thanksgiving Address 55

Index • 161 Heisenberg, W. 47 Herbert, F. 117 herding 84–​5 here and now 24–​6 Hill, L. 54 Hinduism 137, 152, 153 hippocampus 18 homeostasis 21 Horswood, M. 99 humiliation 120–​1, 131–​6 humility 131–​6 Huston, S. 42, 125, 132, 137 Ibn Arabi 125, 131 inner guidance system 22–​7, 23, 66 inspiration 137–​42 interaction conveying empathy 47–​8 Interpersonal Gap, The 3, 5, 45, 58, 67, 72, 74, 75 interpretation 76, 78 IQ (intelligence quotient) 3, 5–​6 Islam 143, 152, 153 I-​Thou 135 Jacobs, A. 26, 28 Jesus Christ: anger expressed by 108–​9; on empathy 131; on forgiveness 129, 130; on humility 132; on knowing what to say 46; on loving God 124; on loving your enemies 24, 124; on loving your neighbor 64, 124; on nonviolence 95; on not judging others 11, 58; on open minds 29; sadness in 118; on self-​ awareness 8; Sermon on the Mount 115 Journal of Applied Behavioral Science, The 89 Judaism 143 Kabbalah, The 118 Kerr, M. 26 King, M. L., Jr. 96–​7, 108 Langland, W. 128 Lannon, R. 61 Lao Tzu: on awe, inspiration, faith, and mystery 137; on baby steps in long journey 128; on empathy 131; on eternity 140; on fear 117; on happiness

55; on humility 131, 132; on leadership 71, 89; on roots of anger 110; on seeking an open mind 28; on self-​awareness 13; on spirituality 61; on trust 127, 128; on yin and yang 124 leadership: democratic style of situational 91–​4, 92; self-​differentiated 89–​91 Leadership Can Be Learned 4, 11, 84, 90 Lee, B. 125, 129 Leibowitz, L. 31–​2 "Letter from a Birmingham Jail" 96, 109 Lewin, K. 3–​5, 9, 21, 52, 81, 86, 89; on democratic style of situational leadership 91–​4, 92; on self-​esteem and empathy 133–​4; on social construction of reality 32–​5; on two basic methods of changing level of conduct 83–​4 Lewis, J. 129–​30 Lewis, T. 61 life field 81 limbic center 19 listening, active 51, 67 logos 47 love 124–​7, 134 Magnus, A. 145 Mandela, N. 32, 130 Manojlovic, B. 130 Marley, B. 44, 115 marshmallows on a stick 99–​102, 100 May, G. 103, 105 McCartney, P. 18 McClory, S. 136 Mears, C. 105 Mehrabian, A. 78–​9 Merton, T. 132 mind-​body connection 27–​8 mindful breathing 8 mindful observation 15, 101 Mohawk Indians 55 Muslims 143, 152, 153 mystery 137–​42 Navajo Indians 137 neocortex 19–​20 Newton, I. 47 Nietzsche, F. 149 non-​duality 15

162 • Index nonviolence 95–​7 not taking things personally 76–​7 object theory 22 Oglala Sioux Indians 139–​40 open mind 44–​7 organization development (OD) 93–​4 pacifism 96–​7 paraphrasing 47 past separated from the present 24–​6 patience and impatience 128–​9 Patton, G. 64 Peace is Every Step 57 perception 73–​81; defined 73–​4; interpretation and 76, 78; negative judgments 76; process of 74–​5 Pert, C. 27 pessimism 111–​12 Planned Change: Why Kurt Lewin’s Social Science is Still Best Practice for Business Performance, Change Management, and Human Progress 84 playfulness 41–​2, 41 Poe, S. 118–​19 Pope, A. 129 praise 134–​5 projection 66 Pythagoras 46 quick fix mentality 86 rationalization 66 reactivity 84 reclaiming full range of emotion 13–​20, 18 red (hard) emotions 103–​6, 104, 107–​8; anger 108–​11; defensiveness 112–​14; humiliation 131–​6; patient and impatience 128–​9; skepticism and pessimism 111–​12 religions of man 143–​55 reopening the mind 28–​40, 29 respecting differences 44–​7 Ricard, M. 44 Richardson, R. 37 Rogers, C. 24

Rohr, R. 95 Ruiz, M. 13, 21, 25, 30–​1, 72, 73–​81, 106, 136 Rumi 35, 117, 140 Saadi 43 Satir, V. 5, 80 Scherer, J. 99 Seattle, Chief 126–​7 secondhand learnings 40 secure attachment 63–​5 self and other, ability to separate 22–​4 self-​awareness 7; identifying your habits and patterns 20–​2; playfulness 41–​2, 41; reclaiming your full range of emotion 13–​20, 18; reopening your mind 28–​ 40; understanding your mind-​body connection 27–​8; using your inner guidance system (self-​differentiation) 22–​7, 23 self-​calming 8​ , 20, 49–​50 self-​differentiation 22–​7; ability to separate self and other 22–​4; ability to separate the past from the present 24–​6; ability to separate thinking and feeling 26–​7; defining 87; in leadership 89–​91 self-​esteem 131–​6 self-​mastery 13 semi-​quasi equilibrium 21 shame 14, 120 Shaw, G. B. 153 Siegel, D. 30, 63 Simon the Just 125 Singler, R. 103, 105 situational leadership 91–​4, 92 skepticism 111–​12 skills 7; active listening 51; conflict 52–​4, 53; conscious breathing 50; feeling description 51; self-​calming 8​ , 20, 49–​50; systems thinking 54–​5 social field 34–​5 socialization process 16 social justice 134 social management 83–​4 Socrates 96 spirituality and nonviolence 95–​7 Spitz, R. 63 Steindl-​Rast, D. 136

Index • 163 St. John of the Cross 139 suicide 121 systems thinking 54–​5 Talmud, the 109, 115, 125 Teilhard de Chardin, P. 124 thinking and feeling, ability to separate 26–​7 Thurman, H. 24, 38, 62, 89, 117, 133, 137 Tolle, E. 25, 26, 27, 62 Toltec Mayans 72, 7​4, 80, 111 tone of voice 78–​9, 80 trust and mistrust 127–​8; see also attachment Truth, S. 140 Tutu, D. 33–​4, 124 Twain, M. 116 universal themes 134–​6

Wallace, B. A. 44, 67 Wallen, J. 5, 45, 58, 72, 73–​81 Warwick, D. 125 Watts, A. 3, 26, 105–​6, 137, 139 Weber, T. 11 What About Bob? 57 words 78–​9, 80 Working with Emotional Intelligence 6 worry 115–​16 yellow (soft) emotions 103–​6, 104, 123–​4; appreciation 130; awe, inspiration, faith, and mystery 137–​42; empathy 131; forgiveness 129–​30; gratefulness 136; humility, humiliation, and self-​ esteem 131–​6; love 124–​7; patient and impatience 128–​9; trust and mistrust 127–​8 yin and yang 124 Yogananda, P. 34