Relationship Rocket Science : Heal: The Workbook

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R E L A T I O N S H I P R O C K E T S C I E N C E

Heal

The Workbook J E S S I C A

L .

L C P C

W E B B

WELCOME

I am so glad you have decided to go on this journey of self discovery and improvement during these uncertain and unprecedented times. While we could not have predicted all the changes this year would bring, it is our duty to wrestle with its challenges. This workbook is designed to focus your energy on intentional healing.

Let me help you revisit issues that need addressing, repair areas of brokenness, and restore peace and connectivity to your life's purpose! This workbook will take you through a series of tasks that will assist you in developing spiritual and emotional skills that will last you through this tough season and beyond!

Jessica L. Webb, LCPC PSYCHOTHERAPIST

AUTHOR CREATIVE

BUSINESS OWNER

OBJECTIVES

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Revisit The objective here is to reconnect with past issues or areas of concern that have been previously denied or gone unaddressed. Repair We will focus on repairing areas of brokenness in places in your life that have held you captive and impeeded your success. Reconcile Here, we are focused on forgiveness. You will learn tools to manage the arduous task of letting go of past hurts and experiences. Restore Finally, we will move toward peace and restoration by bringing all the previously learned skills together and creating a plan for forward movement.

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STEPS TO SUCCESS

01 02 03 04

Be honest with yourself! Most of the reason people struggle with their forward movement or progress is due to a lack of honesty with self and with others. Without truth, there can be no change. Be accountable to yourself! It's not enough to know a thing to be true. You must actively live up to the truth you have attained. Progress is made when we apply what we know. Release blame and shame! These two non-useful traps will keep you from focusing on what really matters. Take responsibility for the things you can change and MOVE ON! Be kind to yourself! Your words matter...especially to you! Choose them wisely.

NOTES

Revisit Lets organize our thoughts and feelings about the past.

Failing to cope with your past will render you helpless to positively manage your future.

Back to the Future In my practice, I've learned that people don't particularly care for revisiting past hurts or frustrations. Generally speaking, folks prefer to move forward, healed or not and leave the past behind them. Unfortunately, rarely is this undertaking successful. We are all made up of the sum total of our experiences. When we don't take our time to understand what those experiences have meant to us and the various ways that we have been effected by them, we wind up being stifled by the very thing we want to leave behind most. Emotional best practices start with an open and honest mind to the reality that we are shaped by past experiences, both good and bad. So while we make plans for the future and look ahead for what is next, lets take a moment to go back and organize our thoughts and feelings about the things that impact us both consciously and subconsciously in the present and future.

Overcoming Trauma For those that have suffered through trauma by the hands of another person, there is hope for you. If nobody else has said it, let me tell you that I am so sorry that you have felt victimized or harmed. Everything from unforgiveness all the way through suffering with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder requires a certain amount of reconciliation within you with what happened to you. What I am asking of you in this moment is to feel empowered. You've made it this far, and that should be celebrated. No, you were not afforded the opportunity to choose for yourself as the choices of others were ultimately imposed on you. But the good news is that right here, right now, in this moment, you have a choice. You CAN choose to be healed. Since we are all the sum total of our experiences, we all have a story to tell. Part of what weaves us together as people is the fact that in every story, there is pain and disappointment. Your story belongs to you and you get to decide how your journey to healing will end. This may and often does require some additional professional help. Unwinding a big ball of pain can be too much for a person to do alone. I encourage you to seek the necessary help that you might need to walk all the way through your traumatic experiences and pain to achieve complete restoration. Nobody can or should tell you how to feel about what you have endured, but understand that healing is an intentional process that requires you to shape your thinking with intention. How you perceive where you are and where you've been will make all the difference . Remember that it can be easy to feel justified in accepting harmful thoughts and actions against you committed by both you and by others but you aren't. The responsibility is now on you to protect yourself from internal and external abuse. You matter. Your pain matters. Your experiences matter.

Trauma Worksheet The goal of this worksheet is to get you thinking about the things you have been through and how they have impacted you. It should not be assumed that all bad things that happen to a person yield negative results. Your job is to consider both ends of the spectrum. How have these negative experiences gotten you to the space that you currently occupy?

Rank in number order the top occurences in your life that you believe have had a negative or positive effect on your development thus far.

Sexual/ Physical/Emotional Abuse

Absent Parent(s) (emotionally or physically)

Disabilities or Health Concerns

Witnessing Domestic Violence

Poverty

Academic Challenges

Trauma Worksheet Cont. Rank in number order the top occurences in your life that you believe have had a negative or positive effect on your development thus far.

Unsupportive Parents/guardians/family

Grief or Loss

Early/Unexpected Pregnancy

Premature Independance

Anxiety/Depression/ Mental Health Concerns

Obesity/eating disorders Weight Management Challenges

Cause and Effect KEY POINT #1 Negative

EFFECT 1

List the first effect and then go on to consider the subsequent consequesnces

SUMMARY

Place your most impactful experience from the past here. Decide if it was negative or positive, then discuss it's effects

Positive

EFFECT 2

EFFECT 3

List the second effect and then go on to consider the subsequent consequesnces

List the third effect and then go on to consider the subsequent consequesnces

Cause and effect Negative

EFFECT 1

SUMMARY

KEY POINT #2

EFFECT 2

Positive

EFFECT 3

Cause and Effect KEY POINT #3 Positive

Negative

EFFECT 1

SUMMARY

EFFECT 2

EFFECT 3

REFLECTION

Take this time to reflect on your journey through your trauma and how it has effected you. Consider how your life has been shaped by the things that have happened to you. Evaluate how you feel. What have you gained? What have you lost? What have you learned? Give your brain time to catch up to you heart. Keep processing...

Repair w

It's time to start healing by doing. w Let's w t h efocus f a s h i on o n the a b l work! It's time to repair.

e t h e r a p i s t . c o m

CHECKLIST Select options from each category as you begin to consider how to manage bad feeelings about the past. Emotional Goals Conflict resolution

Spiritual Goals

Action Items

Read your bible

Stop procrastinating

Attend church virtually

Wake up earlier

Make prayer a daily habit

Become more proactive

Keep a spiritual journal

Ignore perceived limitations

30 mins of exercise

Practice forgiveness

Be kind to yourself

Eat a healthy diet

Give back

Be spontaneous

Improve relationship with God Read spiritual and encouraging books

Extend grace to someone

Manage stress Become more resilient Be more empathetic Have confidence

Physical Goals

Remove food intolerences Set fitness goals

GOALS

GOAL: Using the checklist, set emotional and or spiritual goals to manage bad feelings.

ACTION STEPS: Using the checklist choose steps that will assist in your forward movement towards your goals.

1. 2. 3.

GOAL

ACTION STEPS 1. 2. 3.

GOAL

ACTION STEPS 1. 2. 3.

1

3

Write about your disappointments

Write about your future

Write about your fears

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2 Write out your prayers

5 Write about what you hope for

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Write about your achievements

TEN WRITING PROMPTS

7 9

Write out your plans

Write out your boundaries

6

Write about your challenges

Write a letter to your future self.

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NOTES

NOTES

Reconcile Reconciliation can be a difficult thing to both conceptualize and achieve. However, moving forward with the intention to forgive can only benefit you and the life you want to live. It's time to forgive.

3 REASONS TO FORGIVE

FREEDOM Forgiveness frees you and the other person from the past

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2

CLARITY

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HUMILITY

Forgiveness allows you to acknowledge our own shortcomings as you accept that you also need forgiveness

Forgiveness makes space for new thoughts, emotions and ideas!

Let me be clear, you aren't doing anyone any favors when you choose to forgive them. Forgiveness is more a way of life than it is an act of kindness. Often I hear my clients express their concern that forgiving a person will somehow excuse their behavior. Not so! Forgiveness is a manifestation of our humanity and should be extended to anyone who has the capacity to make mistakes.

Forgiveness is a manifestation of our humanity. Trust me, should you choose the path of forgiveness, you are anything but a doormat or the underdog! There is no stronger showing of a person's character and emotional maturity than when they choose to forgive. No-matter where you find yourself in life, you will always have a choice to make. Choosing not to release a person from their transgressions comes with heavy and longstanding consequences for you.

Forgiveness has to be a personal decision. You should not include the opinions of others in your process as you intentionally take up your cross to do this very difficult work. Forgiving a person helps you to focus on the things that really matter, like your own healing. When you worry too much about what others think about your decisions, you tend not to make good ones. There will come a day when each of us will need to be forgiven. One can only hope that when it's their turn to be forgiven, it's someone who is whole and healed that is the one doing the forgiving.

I Forgive Me. What if it is you who needs to be forgiven? What if the person who hurt you the most was you? How do you step away from the blame and shame that comes with poor decisions from the past? What do you do when you are trapped in an unhealthy cycle of bad decisions and regret? First things first: punishing yourself is not equivalent to rectifying a problem. In order to forgive yourself, you must first stop the bleeding imposed by self injuring behaviors. Yes, you must take responsibility for your actions. Yes, you must be honest with yourself about what you have not done well, but being flat out mean to yourself serves no real purpose in the acquisition of your healing. Remember that the point of life is not to do everything right or even to make minimal mistakes. The point is to do the best you can with what you have. Some of us have more skills than others to cope with the challenges of life, but I think it is worth considering the strength of your skillset before you judge yourself too harshly on the job you've done. The bible says that grace is sufficient. That means that where ever you fall short, whenever you fall short, God has already made provisions for your inequities. You cannot earn your worth...it just is. Thus, you cannot punish your way to earning God's grace or mercy...it's already yours. Your job is to accept the fact that there is NOTHING that can separate you from the love of God. Your mistakes, failures, problems and faults are not special and are of no consequence to the God of love. So, the question is, if God accepts you as you are....when will you?

Managing Rejection Recovering your selfesteem

We all have choices to make. We have autonomy to chose who we want in our lives and who we don't. The problem is when we aren't the ones doing the choosing, the outcome can be hurtful and bruising to the ego. There are many different types of rejection that we will face in life but the through line that ties them together is the hit our self esteem takes when someone we love doesn't chose us, we question our worth.

""..absorb the fact that another person's personal choice has no bearing on who your journey to complete healing, you are or what you were created to be." In absorb the fact that another person's personal choice has no bearing on who you are or what you were created to be. "No" isn't always personal. Allow people to decide who they want to be while you discover who you are.

Withholding and Rejecting Use this diagram to recall how you may have been rejected or participated in rejecting someone close to you. Consider the skills that re required to give and accept love in all it's forms and how that relates to the person who rejected or withheld from you. WITHHOLDING LOVE AND AFFECTION REJECTING KINDNESS AND ATTENTION

WITHHOLDING KINDNESS AND ATTENTION

REJECTING LOVE AND AFFECTION

When aspects of a healthy relationship are withheld or rejected, it can take a toll on your self-worth. Often, people use withholding and rejection as a form of emotional punishment when they are incapable of expressing themselves properly.

WITHHOLDING PHYSICAL TOUCH

REJECTING PHYSICAL TOUCH

REJECTING EMOTIONAL SUPPORT WITHHOLDING EMOTIONAL SUPPORT

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REFLECTION

Take this time to reflect on your journey through the space of rejection. Recall how it felt when you were not prioritized properly, rejected in some way or had something you needed withheld from you. How did it make you feel and what did you do about it? How did you process or work through that pain?

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Intentions Matter When you consider forgiveness, it is wise to consider what the transgressor intended when the act was committed. While this should not be the deciding factor as to weather or not to forgive, what a person meant by their action and their internal frame of reference should apply. It is emotionally draining and totally dramatic to assume that every time you are wronged by another person, the intent was to hurt or harm you. Listen, mistakes have consequences, and some of them are irreversible and severe. But it is important to remember that outcomes matter less than we think when the subject at hand is forgiveness. Just as God forgives us for our transgressions, we should make it our business to extend that same grace whenever possible. This next section will help you to sort through the intentions of those who hurt you. You should feel less encumbered by the task to forgive when you better understand both the intensions and motivations behind the decisions of others.

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Sorting through another person's behavior can be daunting, but it is possible. When you have felt that you were owed something from someone, it is easy to assume that person withheld that thing with the goal or intention to hurt you. The truth is that most of us are too selfish to think about how our behaviors will ultimately effect others. So, when discerning the intent of others, we need to focus on that person's capabilities more than their actions to get an accurate picture of the entire story. There is a very important difference between can't and won't, and it is wise to take the time to differentiate between the two. .

"There is a very important difference between can't and won't..."

Intentions Diagram Think of a person that hurt you. Now consider their motives and intention by placing their actions in the appropraite sections.

A desire to it

Can't do it

Won't do it

REFLECTION

Take this time to reflect on your journey through the space of forgiveness. Evaluate how the idea of forgiveness makes you feel. What have you gained? What have you lost? What have you learned? Give your brain time to catch up to you heart. Keep processing...

RESTORE Consider all that you have discovered, processed and worked through thus far. Your final goal is to pull together what you have learned to solidify your forward movement, reclaim what was lost and finally leave the past behind. It's time to restore.

Own Your Healing

Restoration is the final and most satisfying part of the healing cycle. I will note that what you lose over time through disappointment and failure always has the potential to be restored, but you have to be open minded to the unexpected ways restoration may come about. I always tell my clients that God is always going to give you the things you need as long as you are willing to accept that they may not come in the form you expected. Often, we spend too much time focusing on what we don't have, including love and support. The truth is, when one person fails us, there is always another waiting in the wings to stand in the gap. This can be hard to see when you are too focused on the person who disappointed or failed you.

"I am aware of what I do not have and yet, I know that I lack nothing"

This is where forgiveness plays an integral role. When you forgive, you are freed from binding thoughts that make you feel depressed, overwhelmed and in a constant state of lack. With God there is ALWAYS more and He desires to open the floodgates for you, but it is you who must decide to walk into your blessing. Repeat after me: I am aware of what I do not have and yet, I know that I lack nothing. Look up, and look around. God has not forgotten you and blessings abound. Take inventory or your successes and acknowledge where you have overlooked opportunities to prevail. Because our perception is so closely tied to our satisfaction, it behooves you to operate from the vantage point of gratitude. When you say thank you, you automatically acknowledge what you have to be thankful for.

What do you Lack?

What do you feel you are lacking?

How have you sustained yourself through your season of lack?

What has God said to you about this season of lack?/ Why haven't you spoken to God about this season of lack?

Are you grateful?

What are you grateful for?

How have you expressed your gratitude nonverbally?

How can you be more intentional about your gratefulness in tangible ways?

THE POWER OF ONE Self love is the love that matters most.

"Self love and acceptance is a radical act of faith." We cannot have a discussion about healing without including the importance of self love. Often, when we experience trauma or extreme disappointment, we tend to outsource our healing to the person who is most loving and most adjacent to us. As reasonable as it may seem to expect those around us, who claim to love us to do just that, there is a line that people who are unhealed tend to cross. I realized when I was pregnant with my first daughter that I had placed an undue burden on my unsuspecting husband. One night, in a full on hormonal fit, I pleaded for him to love our daughter and show her that he cares for her.

The truth is he was going to be an amazing father and I was just projecting. I hadn't yet dealt with my own pain and in that moment, I wept for my unborn child. I had to learn how to love myself despite the messages I received or the questions that remained about who I was from my childhood and my husband couldn't help me with that. It has taken me years to learn that self love and acceptance is a radical act of faith. Taking God at his word regarding who we are requires complete faith in God's character and intentions towards us. It isn't always easy to accept that we are enough or that God's love is enough for us....but it is, we are. And that is

CHEAT SHEET EMPATHY Understanding and applying a person's internal frame of reference in all decisions pertaining to them. Listening to a person in a way that assures them that you understood their message. Concerning yourself with how your words and actions make other people feel. Extending grace

SELF CARE Giving yourself grace and space to be imperfect. Holding yourself accountable for emotional/physical/spiritual growth and developments. Upholding and maintaining set boundaries Absence of negative/toxic self talk. Absence of negative/toxic self injuring behaviors.

BOUDARIES Providing standards and parameters as a guideline for others to follow for access to you. Best practices in healthy relationships include boundaries. Requiring people to respect your needs. Must be clearly stated on the outset of the relationship. Provides clarity and reduces chances of misunderstandings.

STANDARDS Avoiding the position of low hanging fruit. An outward expression of selflove. Provides others with clarity regarding who you are. Reduces waisted time and heartache. Boosts self -esteem and selfworth.

Q and A

Jessica answers your questions...

Since establishing Relationship Rocket Science as a self-help brand, Jessica has helped countless marriages, families and individuals learn how to effect the change they want to see in their lives. Here she answers some residual questions you may have from your studies. Jessica L. Webb, LCPC Psychotherapist/Writer/ Educator/Business Owner

Q

What if I can't forgive? Remember that discussion we had about can't vs. won't? Yea, go read that again. I acknowledge forgiveness can pose as a major challenge but remember that healing starts with an open heart and a changed mind. I believe in you....you can do it.

Q

What if I don't belive in God? I'll answer this question with another question. If you don't believe in God, what do you believe? Understand that all of our decisions are born out of our own set of beliefs, regardless of what they are. All of us have to get clear on what we truly believe as we take steps to manage our lives and the challenges they bring. Start with understanding your patterns of thought for optimal insight.

Q

What if I lose friends in the healing process? Healing is transformative in nature and we shouldn't try to control how situations or we will change when its all said and done. As you take steps towards your healing, be willing to release the people that cannot accept your necessary changes. Trust the process!

Q

What about domestic violence/emotional abuse? If you are in a relationship where you are being physically or emotionally abused, LEAVE. To achieve healing, an emotionally healthy environment must be established and maintained. If the people you need to forgive are still harming you, it is not safe for you to be in their presence. The good news is, forgiveness, healing and restoration can happen from down the street, or in another state. You should not be in contact with toxic people who seek w w to w do . . you c o harm. m

"HEALING STARTS WITH AN OPEN HEART AND A CHANGED MIND."

EVALUATION

Please take this time to let me know how this workbook has helped you on your journey to healing. Answer the following questions on a scale of one to 5, with 1 being not achieved and 5 being highly achieved. I learned something new about myself through this wookbook.

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I gained skills that will help me in my life through this workbook.

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I feel more equipt to tackle my healing journey as a result of completing this workbook.

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I feel that I need professional help, beyond this workbook to complete my healing journey.

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I feel more emotionally stable relative to my past hurts as a result of completing this workbook.

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I was able to achieve necessary forgiveness as a result of completing this workbook.

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STAY CONNECTED DON'T GET LEFT BEHIND! STAY CONNECTED TO RECIEVE NEW INSPIRATION, ADVICE AND ALL THINGS RELATIONSHIP ROCKET SCIENCE!

SUBSCRIBE Follow the link below to get to my website. Be sure to subscribe for emails to get updates on blog posts, events and special Relationship Rocket Science announcements! HTTPS://THEFASHIONABLETHERAPIST.COM INSTAGRAM: @THE_FASHIONABLE_THERAPIST FACEBOOK: THE FASHIONABLE THERAPIST

THANK YOU Thank you for doing the work of committing to YOU! I hope that you will take all that you have learned about healing and use it to create a life that you love!

Jessica L. Webb, LCPC Psychotherapist

Author

BUSINESS

OWNER

w w w . t h e f a s h i o n a b l e t h e r a p i s t . c o m

CREATIVE