Men Do It Too: Opting Out and in 3110724162, 9783110724165

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Ingrid Biese Men Do It Too

De Gruyter Contemporary Social Sciences

Volume 2

Ingrid Biese

Men Do It Too

Opting Out and In

ISBN 978-3-11-072416-5 e-ISBN (PDF) 978-3-11-072579-7 e-ISBN (EPUB) 978-3-11-072590-2 ISSN 2747-5689 e-ISSN 2747-5697 Library of Congress Control Number: 2021933383 Bibliographic information published by the Deutsche Nationalbibliothek The Deutsche Nationalbibliothek lists this publication in the Deutsche Nationalbibliografie; detailed bibliographic data are available on the Internet at http://dnb.dnb.de. © 2021 Walter de Gruyter GmbH, Berlin/Boston Cover image: AerialPerspective Works / E+ / Getty Images Printing and binding: CPI books GmbH, Leck www.degruyter.com

For Jonas Stjernberg

Acknowledgements This book is a collection of stories of men who have opted out. Without the contribution of all the men who agreed to participate in my research project and who allowed me to interview them, a book like this would not have been possible. Although they remain anonymous, I owe every single one of them my deepest gratitude. By sharing your stories, you truly made this book what it is! Thank you to the Academy of Finland for understanding the importance of my topic and for making this project possible, and to the Ella and Georg Ehrnrooth Foundation for the funding to finish writing the book. I am ever grateful to Anthony Elliott for his unwavering support from the day I set out on my academic journey. Thank you also to Jeff Hearn, whose help has been invaluable over the years, especially while I was working on my research plan for this project. I would also like to thank Charles Lemert, Linda McKie, and Michael Kimmel for their support and for helpful comments and discussions. Without Natasha Schooling, my friend and contact in the US, my data collection would have been much more difficult. I also appreciate all the time we were able to spend together, thank you! A big thank you also goes to my collaborators Marta Choroszewicz and Maria Ehrnström-Fuentes for all the great eye-opening discussions that have helped me along the way; to Hanna Wikström, Heidi Stenman, and Milla Johansson for all their support and engagement, and to my wonderful colleagues on the other side of the globe, Eric Hsu and Louis Everuss. I am thankful to Mathias Björklund, Johan Bärlund, and my colleagues at The Swedish School of Social Science at the University of Helsinki for taking me in at a critical time in the project and for making me feel right at home. I am ever grateful to my mother, Dorrit Biese, who has always believed in me and taught me that nothing is impossible. To my children, Madeleine and Linus, thank you for understanding when I have had to focus on the book and for your interest in what I do. I love our conversations! Last but not least, thank you to my husband Jonas Stjernberg, my greatest and most important critical reader. His comments and suggestions are invaluable and always help make my writing clear, concise, and so much better.

https://doi.org/10.1515/9783110725797-001

Contents Acknowledgements

VII

Introduction Men do it too 1 Opting out and in 4 Finland, the UK, and the US Studying men 6 A narrative approach 9 The men 12 14 The book

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Chapter 1 Opting out in a globalized world 21 22 Contemporary society and (in)coherent narratives of the self Kasper and the search for coherence 27 The opting out process: From incoherence to coherence 32 34 Tom and a feeling of authenticity Myths of opting out 38 Kimi: Anything but a quick fix 39 42 A product of high modernity or lashing back at it? Chapter 2 Contemporary working cultures and career models 45 Contemporary working life and career models 47 53 Matti: Breaking free from expectations Work-life balance 57 Craig’s story: “A good kind of work-life balance” 61 Objective and subjective definitions of success 65 John and the relief of going back to what he loves 66 Disenchanted with corporate cultures and ideals 71 73 Chapter 3 Men and masculinities in society and at work Hegemonic masculinity 75 Peter’s story: Vomiting in the bathroom 78 Transnational business masculinity 81 Colin and the sense of dislocation and alienation 85 Mediated masculinity 88 A culture of violence 91 Topi and the unethical treatment of employees 93 Living up to masculine ideals 97

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Contents

Chapter 4 Identity and intimacy 99 100 Narratives and identity talk Joseph, the family man(ager) 102 Coping with threats to identity 106 Christopher: Providing for the family 107 111 Friendship and intimacy Michael and negotiating gender 114 118 Masculinity in crisis? Chapter 5 Fathers and gender equality 121 Traditional versus new fatherhood: What is traditional or new 123 about it? Fred: Something of a disappearing act 128 131 Fathers as natural caregivers Rick and the balancing act of being a man in a ‘woman’s world’ 134 Challenging gender norms or just switching gender 138 roles? Phil: Taking turns 140 Sustaining social structures 143 Epilogue

Where do we go from here? 146 Work flexibility 149 Creating compassionate workplaces

References Index

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157

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Introduction Men do it too This is a book I have been waiting to write for a long time. I knew I wanted to do this back in 2009, when I set out on my own opting out and in journey. I had opted out of a career in consulting to work on a PhD and to write a dissertation on… opting out. It was not exactly what I had set out to do nor did I even consider that I myself had opted out. In fact, when I chose to leave my career, the term opting out was far from my mind. Not too long after I enrolled in the PhD program, I participated in a workshop on new individualism and leadership that my former consulting colleagues had organized. It was a workshop where corporate leaders gathered for two days in Helsinki to talk about new individualism and the challenge of leading organizations in this age of short-termism, insecurity, and constant reinvention. We were concerned with questions like how you engage employees in long-term visions and strategies in a world where changing jobs frequently has become more of a rule than an exception. It was then that I remembered a New York Times article that I had read several years earlier, that had made a great impression on me at the time. It was the, by now famous, Lisa Belkin (2003) article ‘The Opt-Out Revolution’, where she wrote about successful women who opted out of high-powered careers to become stay-at home mothers. One thing in particular that I had read in the article rang true with what we had been talking about during the workshop. The women in Belkin’s article reportedly said they wanted to ‘live on their own terms’. This was also what I had heard in our discussions about individuals in contemporary working life. It made me wonder, could it be that individuals do not necessarily want to work and do things in a certain way just because that is what is expected by society and organizations, but rather to live and work in a way that suits them? At the time, I was also thinking about what the topic of my dissertation should be and these thoughts from the workshop stayed with me. Eventually, I decided that I wanted to explore the issue further and opting out became my topic, although I was still not conscious of the fact that I myself had opted out too. However, unlike Belkin and others who have studied the phenomenon before me, I did not want to focus on women who quit their jobs to stay at home full-time. I was convinced that opting out was bigger than that; that what we were dealing with was not just a women’s issue, but rather a contemporary and societal one. I felt the current debate on opting out had been missing something essential. It was not taking the hectic lifestyles of the 21st century into account, nor how employees are expected to be dedicated, devoted, and availahttps://doi.org/10.1515/9783110725797-002

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Introduction Men do it too

ble 24/7, nor the insecurity and constant restructuring and downsizing as organizations struggle to stay lean and competitive (see Blair-Loy, 2003; Sennett, 2006; Elliott, 2021). ‘On one’s own terms’ does not necessarily have to mean leaving the workforce altogether nor do you have to be a woman to want to live and work on your own terms. Instead of focusing on women who become stay-at-home mothers, I wanted to study individuals who leave to do things differently – both men and women. What is it they do instead and why? How do they feel about it and how does it affect them? Are they, like Mainiero and Sullivan (2006) suggest, leaving in any large or increasing numbers and what does that mean for working life as we know it? These were some questions I was interested in and also some of the questions that I set out to explore. Still, I soon realized that I would have to focus on women for my dissertation after all. The debate had been about women and I wanted to participate in and add to it, but also to broaden the definition and our understanding of opting out. Besides, when working on a dissertation, you have to start somewhere. I quickly realized that the issues, norms, and expectations facing men and women in society are different and that if I do not limit my study I will never finish. However, I knew at the start that my research on opting out was not going to be complete if I did not study men too. Fast forward a few years: I successfully finished my dissertation and received my PhD. My next step was, as planned, to apply for post-doctoral funding to research men opting out. My research on women opting out had got a fair amount of media attention in Finland, where I live, and my research seemed to generate quite a bit of interest among the wider the public, among both men and women. I had recently started a blog about my research and my posts were getting views and hits globally. Funders had supported my funding applications and understood the importance and relevance of my research during my years as a PhD candidate, so I had no reason to believe they would not do so this time around. Imagine my surprise then when I embarked on my next step and my research plan on men opting out did not get the support I was hoping for. My initial research proposals and funding applications were all turned down. The funders did not seem to be interested or convinced that this was a topic worth researching – or that it even was a topic. They were not convinced that this was something men do, and if they indeed do opt out, how was that important? Men hold the majority of top positions across society; if a few do not want to continue pursuing their careers, so what? I was surprised, disappointed, and frustrated to say the least. This research was something I felt was important, and since my years of researching women, I had come across a number of men who could relate to my research in many ways. I knew that men also opt out. I decided that I was going to do this research

Introduction Men do it too

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anyway, with or without funding. Interviewing men did not need to be expensive. If I could not travel to conduct interviews, I would do it online. In the spring of 2015, I wrote a post on my blog about this, explaining to my readers what I wanted to do and why. I let them know that I was now looking for men to interview, so if any of them were men, or knew of men, who had opted out and were willing to be interviewed, they should contact me. To my delight several did, mostly from the UK and Finland. I had originally planned to interview in Finland and the US, just like I had done for my research on women opting out, but I quickly decided to include the UK in the mix. Said and done, I started conducting interviews, in person in Finland and over Skype with the men in the UK. Before I knew it, I had a set of ten pilot interviews of men who had opted out. In addition, after a very helpful discussion with a friend and colleague who had experience of reviewing funding applications, I understood what else I had to do to make my funding application stronger and more relevant. While women opting out is considered important out of a gender equality perspective – the question of why some women do not want the jobs that they finally have access to after decades of feminist struggle and gender initiatives – researching men who leave their jobs or give up successful careers simply does not come across as pertinent or controversial enough an issue on a societal level. I needed to be clearer about how studying men who opt out indeed is an important and strategic topic both out of a societal and organizational perspective. I needed to explain how opting out is a symptom of corporate cultures and contemporary career models that are unsustainable, on the one hand, and no longer correspond to how individuals want and need to organize their lives, on the other (Greenhaus et al., 2010; Mainiero and Sullivan, 2006). I needed to spell out how dire the consequences of an increasing number of both men and women leaving their careers could potentially be. In short, I needed to help them understand what a strategic topic the issue of men opting out really is. Needless to say, this and the pilot interviews did the trick. The following year I received funding from the Academy of Finland and embarked on a three-year full-time research fellowship to research men opting out. This book is a result of that research. I ended up interviewing men in three countries, Finland, the UK, and the US. The result of these interviews is a set of narratives rich in detail. Opting out is a very real and life-altering experience for the men who have participated in my study, and I continue to be convinced that this area of research is of great importance. To my knowledge, I am the first (but hopefully not the last) to include men in the research and debate on opting out.

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Introduction Men do it too

Opting out and in As I already mentioned, the debate on opting out or leaving successful careers started in 2003 when New York Times Columnist Lisa Belkin wrote her article titled ‘The Opt-Out Revolution’. Her article was about ivy-league educated women who left their careers to become stay-at-home mothers, and they used words like satisfaction, balance, and sanity to describe what they had been missing in their previous careers and what they were looking for in their new lifestyles. A successful career did not necessarily mean a successful life, and they wanted to live on their own terms. For them, this meant leaving the workforce altogether and Belkin suggested that this was just the beginning of what would soon be a revolution. She predicted that women would start leaving in greater numbers as corporate work just was not working for them. The article caused quite a debate, and is still being debated almost 20 years later (see Biese, 2017; Zimmerman and Clark, 2016). Some celebrated the idea of opting out, commending the women for defining their own terms and sticking to them. Others were appalled; these women decided they did not want to live the lives and do the work that feminists had spent decades, if not more, fighting for (see Cossman, 2009). Besides, higher education in the US is expensive, and the idea of throwing an education away added to the negative reactions. There were also skeptics, claiming that the opt-out revolution really is an opt-out myth; that women are not leaving their careers, and if they are, they certainly are not doing it by choice but are rather being pushed out (Stone, 2007). It is worth noting, however, that there is no statistical evidence to prove that career women in the US (or anywhere else) are opting out in any great numbers to stay at home (Boushey 2005; Hilgeman, 2010; Percheski, 2008). However, the problem with this debate is that it has been very one-sided. It has almost exclusively been about women who decide to leave to take care of their children full-time. Although Belkin’s column did touch upon corporate cultures not meeting the needs of the women and the desire to work on one’s own terms, this is really not what the subsequent debate has been about. To really understand if opting out indeed is something that people are starting to do in greater numbers, we cannot only look at it as a phenomenon of successful female business executives who leave the workforce altogether to stay at home with children. We need to look at it from a societal and organizational perspective. What is going on in society and how is that affecting individuals’ choices? Is there something about contemporary working life and organizational cultures that make people want to leave? Mental health costs have skyrocketed in the past decades in both the US and Europe (American Psychological Association, 2015; Ahonen et al., 2016), and according to a report by the American Psycholog-

Finland, the UK, and the US

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ical Association (2015), work-related stress is one of the main contributing factors. We can, therefore, not just focus on women when it comes to opting out, we need to go beyond that. We need to understand why individuals leave and, perhaps more importantly, what they do instead. Research has shown that individuals – women included – seldom give up their careers to stay at home fulltime (see for example Stone, 2007). Therefore, if we only look to statistics to see how many individuals are leaving the workforce altogether, we will miss those who leave their careers and stay in the workforce but on different terms. In other words, the debate needs to be expanded to include men, as well as to include individuals who step off the proverbial career ladder to do something else or to work in different ways. I have therefore broadened the definition of opting out to include opting in to new lifestyles as well as alternative and different solutions for work (see Biese and McKie, 2015; Biese 2017; Biese and Choroszewicz, 2018).

Finland, the UK, and the US I originally set out to interview men from the US and Finland. The US is a natural place to start as this is where the opting out debate originated and is still most lively, and I want to participate in that debate. Finland, as a welfare state that is considered one of the most gender equal countries in the world (Sanandaji, 2018), serves as an interesting contrast and comparison. When I somewhat unexpectedly had a chance to add the UK, it was more than welcome. London is a financial center in Europe with highly competitive work cultures and practices (Eurostat, 2016). Studying opting out in a European setting with a highly competitive job market felt like a great addition to my research project. Together these three countries create a very intriguing mix. While all three countries are Western countries, their cultures, political, and social systems, including the state provided support, care services, and benefits available to families, are quite different. In Finland, state-subsidized, high-quality day care is available for all children until they start school. A system of subsidized maternity, paternity, and parental leave until the child is three years of age has been developed to help families combine having children with work (KELA, 2020a). In Finland there is a long history of policies supporting women’s economic rights as well as a tradition of both mothers and fathers working (Sanandaji, 2018; Jyrkinen and McKie, 2012). Fathers have a right to up to nine weeks of paternity leave, of which they can use up to 18 days at the same time as the mother, for example after the birth of the child (KELA, 2020b). On top of that, there is parental leave that either the mother or the father can take. 80 % of fa-

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Introduction Men do it too

thers take two to three weeks at the same time as the mother and up to 50 % take some individual paternity leave, however, it is almost exclusively women who take parental leave (Eerola et al., 2019; Kangas, 2020). In Finland, a new policy is currently being developed to encourage parents to share care responsibilities more equally. In the UK, there is also a system of parental leaves and subsidized day care, although not quite to the extent there is in Finland. Fathers are entitled to one to two weeks paternity leave and up to 50 weeks of shared parental leave (Government Digital Service, 2020a). However, less that 30 % of eligible fathers in the UK take any kind of paternity leave, and the numbers have been declining during the past few years (HR News, 2019). In the US, there is no legislated maternity or parental leave and high-quality day care is expensive and not readily available (Williams and Boushey, 2010). Nevertheless, some states and employers do offer unpaid or partially subsidized leaves (U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics, 2016). In all three countries, it is mainly women who take time off work to care for children (EIGE, 2011; Julkunen, 2010; Williams and Boushey, 2010). The dominant business culture in all three countries is competitive and characterized by long working hours and an expectation of constant availability and dedication for those aiming at top corporate positions. Although national working cultures differ, corporate cultures are global and transcend national boarders. Nevertheless, in Finland and in the UK, employees are entitled to several weeks of paid holiday leave annually (up to six weeks in Finland, 5.6 weeks in the UK), which is not the case in the US (Government Digital Service, 2020b). Employees in the US are not legally entitled to paid leave, however, again, some employers do offer paid holidays for their employees and, on an average, US employees receive 10 days of paid leave per year (U.S. Department of Labor, 2020; Foothold America, 2020). Another noteworthy aspect is that Finland is, in addition to being ranked as one of the most gender equal societies, also among the happiest, most stable, best-governed, least corrupt, and best-educated countries in the world (Statistics Finland, 2019a). Despite this, Finland also has a relatively high suicide rate compared to other OECD countries, especially among men (OECD Data, 2019; Statistics Finland, 2019b).

Studying men Ever since I started studying opting out over 10 years ago, I have, as I mentioned, been convinced that opting out is much more than a women’s issue and the natural next step was therefore to study men. However, the thought of writing a book about men has felt daunting at times and I have wondered if being a woman would hamper my ability to understand what men go through and

Studying men

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how they experience opting out. Is it legitimate for a woman to study men and write about what it is to be a man in contemporary society? Would I be conceived as talking about something I know nothing about? Does being a woman – Other – color the way I understand men’s experiences? Invariably it does and it is important a researcher is aware of and reflective about this (see Biese, 2017). It is my background in gender research that compels me to ask these questions. Nevertheless, it needs to be noted that issues like these have not stopped men from writing about women in the past (see Letherby, 2003). When I have had discussions about masculinities during my research project with men I know, I have encountered both recognition and agreement regarding the things I have observed, but also disagreement and a lack of understanding. However, as we will see later in this book, a lot of the norms and expectations men face are not conscious. They have been a part of masculine culture for as long as anyone can remember and have therefore become so-called ‘truths’ that can be difficult to detect, let alone question. Perhaps that makes me, a researcher on opting out and gender, as good a candidate as anyone to study men opting out? Perhaps the fact that I am a woman, and not burdened by the expectations placed on men and boys, puts me in a position to better observe what is going on? Either way, I hope I am able to give as fair an account as possible of the experiences of the men in this book and the issues that surround them. When I started interviewing men, I was, despite others’ skepticism regarding my project, not very worried about whether or not men opt out. However, I did wonder if being a woman would hamper my interviewees’ ability and willingness to speak openly with me. When I had interviewed women a few years earlier, being a woman who had gone through a similar process worked in my favor. The women seemed comfortable with me and often said things like, “you know what I mean.” Therefore, I wondered whether or not the same would be true for men. As it turned out, I had nothing to worry about. Just as with my interviews with women, the men spoke openly and provided personal and detailed accounts of their experiences of opting out and in. In hindsight, part of the reason may be that they knew that I had also opted out of a career in business. It most likely made them feel that I, at least in part, knew what they were talking about. In addition, being someone who has opted out myself invariably communicated that I have a positive attitude towards it, which also probably added to their sense of ease. However, previous research has shown that a reason they felt they could speak openly to me may, in fact, be precisely because I am a woman (see Arendell, 1997). Male respondents have been found to engage in more thoughtful reflections when the interviewer is a woman than when he is a man (Sallee and Harris, 2011). The so-called ‘inexpressive male’, which is related to the assumption that men do not talk about their feelings, has been a concern

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Introduction Men do it too

for researchers studying men (Sattel, 1976; Schwalbe and Wolkomir, 2001). Autobiography has been found to be challenging for men as they may engage in certain discourses to prove or reaffirm their masculinity (Hearn, 2015; Jackson, 1990; Schwalbe and Wolkomir, 2001). However, just as men are somewhat stereotypically thought to be ‘inexpressive’, women are considered to be good listeners. Men may thus not have the same need to engage in so-called ‘malestream’ discourses with women as they might with men (Arandell, 1997). The gender power dynamic may still be tricky in situations where women interview men. It has been suggested that the female interviewer must balance being credible and competent on the one hand and nonthreatening on the other to enable the interviewee to open up (Arandell, 1997; Gurney, 1985). Some female researchers have also felt at risk or experienced uncomfortable power situations, including inappropriate sexualizing or minimizing of the female interviewer by male interviewees in order to reassert their masculinity (Arandell, 1997; Gatrell, 2006). Thankfully, I have not experienced anything like that in my research. First of all, the interviewing situation was very familiar to me. My interviews in Finland were typically conducted in a meeting room at the university where I worked at the time. From my years as a consultant, I was used to this kind of a setting and I was never uncomfortable. My interviewees also seemed comfortable in that situation. I conducted interviews over Skype with the men in the UK and had a similar experience with them as with the men I interviewed in Finland – neither I nor they seemed uncomfortable. However, in the US the situation was at times different. In two cases, I noticed that the interviewee was uncomfortable due to me being a woman. Although it did not seem to hamper the content of the interview, the fact that they were alone with me made them somewhat uncomfortable. In the first case it was a man who had opted in to teaching after leaving his career and he worked in a school with mostly female employees. The interview was conducted in an office, and as we started the interview he made a point of not closing the door. I got the impression that it was to make me feel at ease over being alone in a room with a man I did not know. I was somewhat taken aback because I have found that the narratives often become personal and I did not want to risk his colleagues overhearing his narrative. However, just a few minutes into the interview, he hesitated and glanced at the open door. He was about to tell me something personal but did not feel that he could. I told him that it would be fine to close the door if that made him more comfortable, and he did. He used profanity during the interview whenever he talked about situations or memories that he found difficult or upsetting, and whenever he did that he would stop and apologize for his language. Again, it seemed like he was worried that he, a man, may make me, a woman, uncomfortable.

A narrative approach

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The other instance was when I interviewed a man in his home. He was a stay-at-home father and, as I had no office to invite him to while I was visiting the US, we agreed to meet at his house. He was alone at home as his wife was at work and his children were in school. During the interview, he made comments about how his wife would not mind at all that he was alone at home with a woman. It seemed quite clear that he felt that my presence in his house might be construed as suspicious by his wife or by the neighbors. This did not occur to me at all as I set up the interview, and previous research of women interviewing men does not touch upon the male interviewee potentially being uncomfortable. In hindsight, this is something I should have considered. The difference in the men’s awareness of me being a female interviewer in the US compared to the UK and Finland, can, in part, be explained by the different gendered cultures and traditions in these three countries. In Finland there is a long history of women’s high labor force participation and of policies supporting women’s economic rights (see Sanandaji 2018). In the US, there is more of a so-called ‘macho culture’ and gender roles are more traditional than in Finland and the UK (Kimmel, 2005). Due to different cultural norms of parenting and national family policies, men participate less in care work in the US (see for example Choroszewicz and Tremblay, 2018; Biese and Choroszewicz, 2019). The way this translates to the interviewing situation is that differences in sex and gender may be noted more readily in the US than in Finland and the UK. However, the power dynamics in the interviewing situation go beyond the question of the gender of the interviewer and the interviewee. The focus of the research topic and the gendered context of the place of interview are also critical to consider and most certainly had an impact on the two situations described above (Pini, 2005). Symmetry in social identities between the interviewer and the interviewee can have a positive effect on the outcome of the interview (Hollway and Jefferson, 2000). In addition to being a researcher and an academic, my interviewees knew that I was also someone who had opted out of a career just like them. This created a sense of symmetry despite the gender difference and it had a positive impact on their ability to speak openly and freely. Many of the men found the interview cathartic and it was not uncommon that they thanked me afterwards for the chance to talk about their experiences, which is not unusual with this type of interviewing (see also Shaw, 2010).

A narrative approach For my research on opting out, I have used a free association-narrative approach. When interviewing according to this approach, the interviewee is the storyteller

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Introduction Men do it too

while the interviewer’s job is mainly to listen. This means that the interviewee chooses what to say, in what order, and what to emphasize. One of my aims has been to study the workings of identity and how individuals’ identities are affected as they opt out and in. Since questions of identity and the inner workings of subjectivity are not always conscious – we do not always know why we experience things the way we do – a question-answer based interviewing technique does not provide the deep insights needed for this type of research. However, a free association-narrative approach, with methods borrowed from psychoanalysis, does (Hollway and Jefferson, 2000). Individuals do not necessarily have the capacity to be aware of, understand, and actually tell a researcher everything about themselves, their motives, and their actions, even though a lot of qualitative research is based on this assumption. This is known as the “transparent self-problem” and is often problematic (Hollway and Jefferson, 2000: 3). In addition, individuals may consciously or unconsciously not tell everything there is to tell or that is relevant, due to memory or motivation. As you will see in the narratives that are told in this book, narratives are often filled with contradictions and inconsistencies. This might be due to a defense mechanism to cope with conflict, suffering, vulnerability, or threats to identity (Hollway and Jefferson, 2000; Breakwell, 1986). Individuals often unconsciously disguise the meaning of some of their feelings and actions in order to achieve a sense of coherence and wholeness (Frosh et al., 2003). However, that is not the only issue that might prevent a person from recounting the whole story. Sometimes we just do not remember. The free association-narrative approach allows the researcher to read between the lines and explore the “unsaid”, as well as to create an understanding, not only of what a person has done, but also why (Frosh et al., 2003: 51). The idea is to not repress the teller’s story and experiences in a way that a questions-and-answer interviewing method might (Mishler, 1986). Nevertheless, the interviewer is still a central part of the interviewing situation and the storytelling. Together the interviewer and the interviewee create the meaning of the story (Chase, 1995). An interview can be seen as an intervention; just the fact that the interviewee is being interviewed about his or her experiences sends a strong message and might, as such, affect both what the interviewee talks about and emphasizes in the interview, as well as his or her thinking on the subject. The story being told is thus not a neutral account of events. It is constructed in a particular context with meanings attached to it. Still, storytelling offers a deeper understanding of life events than simply answering questions does as self-identity is based on narratives of the self and the choices we make are based on narrative structure (Hollway and Jefferson, 2000; Josselson, 1995). In order to make sense of our choices and experiences, we create narratives to pro-

A narrative approach

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vide meaning and coherence to events (Linde, 1993; Ricoeur 1991). This ability to create a coherent narrative is important for our well-being, but as imagination, perception, and decision making are based on narrative structure, it also becomes a natural way for the interviewee to talk about his or her experiences (Hollway and Jefferson, 2000). In the interviews, which all lasted between one and three hours, I was adamant about not imposing structure on the interviewees’ narratives or leading them in any way. I only had a few open-ended questions. At the start of the interview, I explained that I was interested in their opting out experiences, the time before, the actual opting out, and the time after, how it felt, and their thinking around that. If they had trouble getting started, I asked them to tell me about where they used to work or the job they had before opting out. This is a good place to start as professionals are often routinized in talking about their work and the company they work for, and it made it easier for the them to become comfortable in the interviewing situation. However, it was not unusual that they came to the interview with their own agenda. Many of them had thought about what they wanted to talk about and had created a narrative beforehand. In some interviews, I used my open-ended questions to facilitate the storytelling or prompt the interviewees if they got stuck. However, in several interviews, I did not ask any questions at all after the storytelling was under way. Instead I had a checklist of all the information I was hoping to collect, and at the end of the interview, I would ask for this information if it had not already been disclosed. This included things like age, job titles, information about family members, or anything else I wanted them to elaborate on. However, just listening carefully is not enough to gain an understanding of the individual, his choices, and his experiences. A person’s narrative changes depending on the situation and the addressee – in this case the interview and me – as well as reflecting the teller’s life situation, values, and current understanding of events at that specific time in his life (Linde, 1993). For example, in the interviewing situation, the men looked back at their opting out experiences. Their memories of these experiences are not necessarily accurate; they may remember them as better or worse than they were. In addition, interviewees have an unconscious and defensive personal investment in the outcome of the interview as it is intimately connected to their identity (Hollway and Jefferson, 2000). Therefore, simply collecting narratives is not enough in order to gain an understanding of the deeper meaning of an individual’s experiences. Narratives must also be critically examined to see beyond the words and to understand underlying forces that the narrator himself may not be aware of or may not want to see. I therefore use social theory and research to understand these forces and to problematize the opting out phenomenon. I draw on the strength of theories to extend the

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Introduction Men do it too

analysis of the empirical evidence I have found in the narratives (see Cash, 1996). Throughout the book I thus intertwine social theory and debates with the opting out stories of the men from Finland, the UK, and the US.

The men I interviewed 29 men in total, although interestingly, despite some peoples’ skepticism regarding whether men actually opt out, my list of potential men to interview was much longer. When I reached the goal I had set in my research proposal for how many men I needed in my study, I stopped interviewing as I needed to move on with the research process. However, to this day, I am contacted every once in a while by men who have opted out or by others who know men who have opted out and who might be willing to be interviewed. My list of potential male interviewees is much longer than the list I had of women who had opted out for my previous research project. I do not think that this means that more men than women opt out – it is after all easier for women to make that choice due to social expectations and norms (see Chapter Three) – however, it does show that men do opt out and it suggests that men opting out is something worth looking at more closely. I have chosen to include 15 of the narratives I collected in this book to illustrate the different aspects that are central to create a greater understanding of the phenomenon of men opting out. To protect their identities, all of the narratives have been anonymized and names and other revealing information have been changed. The men are: Christopher from the US. He is 54 years old, married, with two children. He opted out of a career as a doctor to become a stay-at-home father. (Chapter Four) Colin from the UK. He is 34 years old, married, with no children. He opted out of a career in banking to work on a PhD. (Chapter Three) Craig from the US. He is 48 years old, married, with four children. He opted out without actually leaving the organization. He stepped off the career ladder and stopped applying for promotions. (Chapter Two) Fred from the UK. He is 53 years old, married, with two children. He opted out of a management position to become a stay-at-home father. (Chapter Five) John from the UK. He is 45 years old, married, with three children. He opted out of a management position and took what might be considered a step back to do design work. (Chapter Two) Joseph from the US. He is 49 years old, in a same-sex marriage, with two children. He opted out of a top corporate position to become a stay-at-home father. (Chapter Four)

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Kasper from Finland. He is 42 years old, married, with three children. He opted out of a top position in consulting to work on different terms in another organization. (Chapter One) Kimi from Finland. He is 46 years old, single, with no children. He opted out of an international career to work on a PhD. (Chapter One) Matti from Finland. He is 34 years old, has a girlfriend, no children. He left a career in consulting to pursue photography professionally. He now works in an industrial company. (Chapter Two) Michael from the US. He is 46 years old, married, with three children. He opted out to be a stay-at-home father for 10 years. (Chapter Four) Peter from Finland. He is 40 years old, married, with three children. He opted out of a high-risk career to set up his own business. (Chapter Three) Phil from the US. He is 53 years old, married, with three children. He has taken multiple breaks in his career as a lawyer to stay at home with each child. (Chapter Five) Rick from the US. He is 54 years old, married, with two children. He opted out of a career in corporate law. He was a stay-at-home father for 10 years and now works as a teacher. (Chapter Five) Tom from the UK. He is 43 years old, married, with two children. He was a managing director in a multinational organization and opted out to become a nutritionist. (Chapter One) Topi from Finland. He is 48 years old, single, with no children. Topi opted out of a management position to become a nurse. (Chapter Three) These men are all white, middle class, and able bodied, and all but one are heterosexual. Out of my whole data set, only two men are of color. One has opted out of a career in the US army and the other out of a lower-level job in an organization to create alternative solutions for work as an entrepreneur. Like all of the interviews, these two men’s narratives have been of immense importance in helping me study and understand the opting out process as well as questions of identity, masculinity, and well-being. However, since one of the main areas of focus in this book is career models – corporate careers models in particular – and issues around these, I have not used these two narratives as examples in this book. This means that there is a total lack of racial diversity in the narratives that I do recount. In fact, the lack of diversity in my research on opting out – both among men and women – is striking. It says a lot about the lack of diversity among individuals who hold top corporate positions in the three countries where I have conducted interviews, and it mirrors the discrimination that still goes on in organizational settings and recruitment situations. We live in a society where racism is built into the very structures that surround us. We do not necessarily see them and although we may not mean to

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Introduction Men do it too

be racist, we invariably are (DiAngelo, 2018). This is true when recruiting people to top positions, but also when it comes to issues like access to different forms of education and to the opportunities and privileges that are or are not available to different people based on questions like race, class, gender, age, physical ability, and sexual orientation. People of color are certainly aware of these structures as they experience and navigate them on a daily basis. Opportunity is not divided evenly among all citizens and sadly race is often a defining factor. Therefore, it is perhaps not surprising that my interview data is so homogeneous. This book is about white men with white realities and world views, written by a white, middle-class, heterosexual woman. However, this is also a book with 15 stories of men who break hegemonic norms and ideals. It is filled with stories of men who are masculine in their own individual ways and their narratives are contrasted to the hegemonic, masculinist, and corporate ideals that they are surrounded by in their every-day lives. The narratives provide examples of what real men really look and act like, as opposed to the norms they are expected to conform to. I believe and hope we are in a time of change on many fronts. I hope we will be able to question many of the so called ‘truths’ that we take for granted and organize our lives around. Capitalist ideology is one, how we understand work is another, and gender equality is a third. Racism must also be added to this list. Let us be open to that and use stories of change to help us question what we have not even known to question before and to make visible the structures that have been invisible to us. Only then can we create true change and a more equal, compassionate, and sustainable world both at work and outside of work. Most importantly, let us not only do this for the white and the privileged.

The book I start by placing the opting out phenomenon in a contemporary context in Chapter One, which is a perspective that has largely been missing from previous debates on opting out. In order to understand the choices contemporary individuals make, we have to also understand what it is like to live today. Contemporary society is driven by technology and the information age (Held and McGrew, 2007; Castells, 2006). Communication and capital flow at a velocity that we have never experienced in previous times. While economies grow as a result of globalization, there is also a lot of uncertainty and instability at work as organizations try to stay lean in order to survive (Castells, 2006; Giddens, 1994). The diminishing importance of the social context, that has been argued to be part of post-traditional society, coupled with the possibility to choose from a multitude of op-

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tions of what to do in one’s life, also creates a feeling of ambivalence (Bauman, 2001). This, combined with the self-help culture and the push for reinvention, makes it difficult for individuals to create coherent narratives about their lives, which is crucial for well-being (Elliott and Lemert, 2009). It is in this context that I place my research on opting out. In Chapter One, I also introduce my findings from my previous study on women opting out and describe the different phases of the opting out and in process. The search for coherence has been a central theme in my research on opting out, and many of those who do opt out, go from a feeling of lacking coherence before they decide to leave to gaining coherence in the new work solutions or lifestyles they subsequently opt in to (see Biese, 2017). Although none of them originally planned to opt out, they experienced some sort of crisis that made them see that they could not go on the way they had. The crisis – be it an identity crisis, a health issue, or even a death in the family – thus worked as a catalyst for change (Biese, 2017). However, while they could pinpoint the crisis that lay behind their decisions to make a change, contemporary life has been found to be “inherently prone to crisis” (Giddens, 1991: 184). Crisis today is not an interruption, but an on-going state, which has a deep and definitive effect on how individuals perceive their lives. To illustrate all these issues, I share the narratives of Kasper and Kimi from Finland and Tom from the UK. As the jobs that the men in my study opted out of are such a central part of their narratives and decisions to opt out, I discuss contemporary working cultures and career models in Chapter Two, and explore what it is about them that add to individuals’ decisions to leave. In a study done in 2014, approximately half of all global workers were found to be unhappy mainly due to a lack of security and cost-cutting (Kelly Global Workforce Index, 2014). In addition, middle managers have been found to be among the unhappiest (Zenger and Folkman, 2014). Work-related stress has had a vast and increased adverse effect on health in the past decades, however, these are issues that the debate on opting out more often than not fails to take into account. Through information technology and increased competition, corporate cultures have experience great change (Cottini and Lucifora, 2013). In order to keep up with the competitive global business environment and the pressures of short-term wins, corporations must stay lean and flexible (Sennett, 2006; Elliott, 2021). However, despite the changing nature of work, career models still remain linear especially for those aiming for the top echelons of corporate hierarchies (Blair-Loy, 2003; Biese and McKie, 2015). Employees are expected to show commitment, dedication, and constant availability, and to ascend the career ladder in a timely fashion; anything else is considered suspect (Biese and Choroszewicz, 2018, 2019). However, career models no longer necessarily correspond to individuals’ wants and needs,

16

Introduction Men do it too

and although they were created by men for men, they do not leave much room for diversity among men. Instead of traditional and objective markers of success, such as a high salary, a prestigious title, a corner office, or a company car, subjective definitions of success are becoming increasingly important (Sargent and Domberger 2007). Many of those who opt out give up status and high salaries and choose instead to work and live in a way where they have more control over where, when, and how they work, and where they can make more time for the people and relationships in their lives (Biese, 2017). In Chapter Two we meet Matti from Finland, Craig from the US, and John from the UK. Chapters Three and Four deal with masculinities and what it means to be a man. We have probably all at one time or another heard what ‘real’ men are like and what they do and do not do. However, the definition of manhood is not based on a set of biologically determined, fixed personality traits, but on a set of practices and actions that are socially constructed and anchored in time (Kimmel, 2005; Connell and Messerschmidt, 2005). In Chapter Three, I explore the concept known as hegemonic masculinity, or masculinities, which has been developed to illustrate social ideals and normative patterns of gendered practices to help us understand issues pertaining to gender relations, domination, and violence in society (Connell and Messerschmidt, 2005). Hegemonic masculinity does not describe how any one man is. It rather illustrates the idea of an “honored way of being a man”, which all men in some way or another are expected, and to some extent also try, to live up to (Connell and Messerschmidt, 2005: 832). These ideals include expectations of ‘antifemininity’, success and recognition, a show of strength (and not weakness), risk-taking, and aggression (see Kimmel, 2005). In order to explore how certain forms of hegemonic masculinity have become global among the transnational business elite, which most of the men in my study have belonged to, the concept of transnational business masculinity has been developed (Connell, 1998). This masculine ideal leaves little room for different expressions of masculinity in the organizational sphere. Men are expected to look and act in a certain way in order to be perceived as ambitious and having what it takes. Ironically, despite pressures to conform to these ideals, the men who actually hold power positions in the corporate sphere do not necessarily embody these norms at all (Connell and Messerschmidt, 2005; Holgersson, 2013). The media plays a defining role in how we perceive the world, and this includes influences regarding behaviors and attitudes about gender (Craig, 1992). These influences become so engrained in our consciousness and routines that we do not even realize it is happening. Men and boys are shaped by media images and ideals that affect their identities and self-perceived value as men (Fejes, 1992). The media depictions of men are quite stereotypical. Men dominate news

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reporting on economics and politics, for example, while women are more often used as so-called ‘eye-candy’ (Jia et al., 2016; Soobben, 2013). Since the turn of the millennium, social media platforms have gained a prominent role in shaping world views as well as in the production and reproduction of gender relations (see for example Jane, 2016). For example, a recent study has found a strong connection between toxic anti-feminist discussions and debates online and hypermasculine work cultures in organizations (Maaranen and Tienari, 2020). Existing masculinities are an integrated part of a culture of violence that is woven into the social fabric of contemporary Western societies (Breines et al., 2000; Hatty, 2000). More recently, research around organizational violence has gained ground and this includes situations and incidents where employees are abused, mistreated, threatened, or assaulted (see for example Penttinen et al., 2019). Work-related violence has a substantial, detrimental effect on wellbeing, and is thus not only confined to the workplace, but spills over into all areas of life. In short, the toxic qualities of hegemonic masculine norms have a negative effect on men’s health, including stress-related illnesses but also suicide (Lusher and Robbins, 2009; Kimmel, 2005). In Chapter Three we meet Peter and Topi from Finland and Colin from the US. In Chapter Four, I explore masculine identity and intimacy. When individuals opt out of successful careers, they typically experience a loss of identity, as their careers are so intimately linked to who they perceive themselves to be (Stone, 2007). For men who opt out, there is yet another perspective that may make the threat to identity even greater. Success is intimately linked to masculinity as well as to the ability to provide for a family (see Pajumets and Hearn, 2012). Therefore, giving up a successful, well-paid job is invariably also a threat to men’s masculinity. It has been found that men who give up their careers engage in different types of identity talk to make sense of their choices and of their situations (Pajumets and Hearn, 2012). In the men’s narratives I have collected, there were especially two strategies the men chose to assert their masculinity: sports and work. Sports play an important role in socializing boys to men, and is equated with hegemonic concepts like being tough, competitive, and unfeminine (Anderson, 2009). Many men watch, talk about, and identify with sports, and many of those I interviewed, especially the stay-at-home fathers from the US, emphasized their involvement in sports in their narratives. Many of the stay-at-home fathers also used a narrative of work to make sense of and describe their new role. Hegemonic masculine norms and expectations are reflected in men’s relationships to others. Men’s friendships have been found to be more about sociability than intimacy (Garfinkel, 1989). As men are expected to be competitive, non-communicative, and evaluated based on their external achievements,

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Introduction Men do it too

their basic human needs of closeness and intimacy may go unmet. If they do not live up these expectations, they risk being seen as unmanly, which, in turn, may lead to further exaggerated shows of masculinity (Harrison et al, 1989). This can subsequently lead to a chronic sense of inadequacy, making it even harder for men to open up to other men (Kimmel, 2005). Homophobia has come to be a central and defining part of what it means to be a so-called ‘real’ man. If men feel that their masculinity is questioned or that they are losing their masculine status, they many overcompensate by expressing homophobic views and attitudes (Vandello and Bosson, 2013). Still, research has shown that men and women value intimacy in friendship to an equal extent (Swain, 2004). Boys are encouraged to have close friendships when they are young, which they do. However, due to conventions of masculinity, they have been found to lose these friendships as they grow up (Way, 2013). A more recent study has found young men today to get greater emotional satisfaction from close male friends than previous studies have found (Robinson et al., 2017). In Chapter Four we meet Joseph, Christopher, and Michael, who are all from the US and have either been or still are stay-at-home fathers. In Chapter Five, I discuss gender roles, gender equality, and care. Men’s roles as caregivers are not determined biologically. Fatherhood and the expectations that society places on fathers are socially and culturally constructed and change with the times (see Suwada, 2017). After the industrial revolution, the family shifted from being a producing to a consuming unit, and a dualism of public versus private spheres was created (Kinser, 2010). As men increasingly went to work in the industries, someone had to stay at home and care for the children. The public sphere of men consisted of politics and paid work, while especially middle-class women were assigned to the private realm of the home and given a domestic and maternal role (Kinser, 2010). As the responsibility of parenting was mainly placed on the mother, fathers became the ones to foster creativity and individualism (Coltrane, 1996). However, fatherhood continues to evolve and as women increasingly take part in public life, fathers have become more involved in the every-day care of their children. Still, women continue to carry the brunt of care and household responsibilities (McKie and Callan, 2012). As fathers have become more actively involved in care, the concept ‘new fatherhood’ has emerged (see Borve and Bungum, 2015). New fatherhood challenges and reconstructs hegemonic masculinities and redefines gender relations. In addition to strengthening men’s relationships to their children, it may also be an emancipatory project for men, women, and all of society (Dowd, 2000). There is a cultural belief that mothers are best equipped to take care of children, however, this is actually quite a recent phenomenon (Geiger, 1996; Hays, 1996). Research has shown that fathers are just as capable to nurture their children as

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mothers are (Geiger, 1996; Coltrane, 1996), which the narratives in this chapter illustrate. Encouraging fathers to be more involved in the care of their children is considered crucial to achieve more gender equality in society (Feldman and Gran, 2016). The stay-at-home fathers I have interviewed certainly break gender norms and provide examples for caring masculinities. However, by switching gender roles with their partners, they do not participate in changing working norms and expectations of long hours and constant availability, which makes having a career difficult to combine with care responsibilities. In order to see a greater involvement by fathers and create more gender equality in society, we also need to work with organizations to change work norms and ideals. In Chapter 5, we meet Fred from the UK and Rick and Phil from the US. All three men have had the main responsibility of the care of their children. In the Epilogue, I consider what we can learn from the narratives of opting out and in and what we should do with this information. We know quite a lot about the contexts that individuals leave, and why, when they opt out. However, we do not know as much about what it is that they choose to do instead. What are their wants and needs and how do they organize their lives when they no longer work according to mainstream career models, expectations, and definitions of success? The answer is not so much what they do, but how they do it. What they generally aim to achieve is more control over where, when, and how they work, and where, when, and how they spend time doing other things and caring for and nurturing relationships with those who are important to them. In this final chapter, I discuss different solutions for creating more flexibility for employees and how the flexibility those I have interviewed have created for themselves differs from the forms of flexible work that are already on offer in many organizations today. Many organizations have flexible time policies in place to resolve, or at least alleviate, issues of work-life balance (Rafnsdottir and Heijstra, 2013). However, existing flexible time solutions do not necessarily make employees feel that they have more flexibility at all, but rather intensifies time to the point that they feel that they have less time (Rafnsdottir and Heijstra, 2013). Another way to increase employees’ work flexibility and make it easier to combine work with other responsibilities is to allow them to work remotely. Nevertheless, even if organizations have had policies for this in the past, it has not always been a guarantee that they have been used (see Errichiello and Pianese, 2016). Working remotely has both potentially positive and negative effects for the employer and the employee. In order for it to work, new management routines must be implemented when team members no longer are in the same physical space. When team members work remotely, communication must be structured and more frequent, and supervisors and employees must get to know each other well in order to increase trust (Errichiello and Pianese, 2016; Grant et al,

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Introduction Men do it too

2013; Walsh, 2019; Blades and Fondas, 2010). One of the negative effects of working remotely is the blurring of boundaries between work and private life. However, the blurring is rather one-sided and work spills into the private sphere but private concerns have been expected to be kept invisible at work (Biese and Choroszewicz, 2018). Those who opt out and in have been found to create solutions where they can transcend these boundaries so that they can move seamlessly between work and other areas of life (Biese and Choroszewicz, 2018). Not everything works for everyone, nor for all types of work, nor should it. The COVID-19 pandemic has taught us that not only do we have the ability to change and create new solutions for work, we can do so at a moment’s notice. We already have the technology to create individual solutions for employees to enhance well-being, the question is do we have the will?

Chapter 1 Opting out in a globalized world One of the things I have enjoyed most about studying opting out, is how engaged people have been in my topic. Most of the people I talk to about my research seem to have some sort of a relationship to the topic. Some know people who have opted out or perhaps they have opted out themselves. Most of the time it is something they dream of doing and tell me that they wished they could do it too. When I finished my PhD on women opting out, my research received quite a lot of media attention in my home country, Finland, and as a result, I found myself talking about opting out in the most unusual situations: at the doctor’s office, at the bank, in my kids’ school… I can tell you, it feels a bit unreal when you have a doctor’s appointment and your doctor starts talking about opting out. It makes you hope that you at least get your treatment first before they make any rash career decisions! I do enjoy every second, however. I love it when people want to share their opting out and in stories with me, and many have. It never gets old. Why is it that so many people seem to like to talk and dream about opting out? One reason may be that pursuing one’s dreams and making drastic lifestyle changes has been romanticized in the media (see Biese, 2017). We see countless stories in the media of people who leave their jobs to do things like sail around the world, open a spa in Thailand or a hotel in Provence, or move to the countryside to live on a farm. These stories contain images of happy people living seemingly simpler lives. It invariably plays in, but there must also be something more to this longing for something else. During the past decades, a phenomenon known as voluntary simplicity has steadily become increasingly popular (Etzioni, 2004). Voluntary simplicity describes how individuals choose to buy less consumer goods and instead cultivate other sources of satisfaction that are non-materialistic. Research has witnessed a growing search and desire for the authentic, and it has been argued that it is a result of globalization; because globalization is so prevalent and powerful, there is an equally forceful reaction against it (Liedtka, 2008; Boyle, 2003). According to Boyle (2003: 4), individuals today are just sick of living in an artificial world and many consumers therefore reject “the fake, the virtual, the spun and the mass-produced.” The growing awareness of environmental issues and climate change also adds to the growing demand for natural, simple, and sustainable products. However, the search for the authentic has even deeper roots. If you walk into the selfhelp section of your local bookstore, you will see that there are countless books https://doi.org/10.1515/9783110725797-003

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Chapter 1 Opting out in a globalized world

on how to live authentically, pursue your dream, finding the real you or plan B, down-sizing, down-shifting, or just simply being the best version of yourself. We live in a time of therapy culture where contemporary individuals act upon themselves through self-therapy and self-help (Rose, 1996). Through self-therapy, the self becomes “a site for endless improvement” (Elliott, 2013: 31) and self-help provides a promise that anyone can be anything they want to be (Foley, 2010). According to Elliott and Lemert (2006) reflexivity is essential in order to deal with the ambivalence and ambiguity of living in contemporary society. Individuals thus have no choice by to dig deeper into themselves and look for an authentic self that remains unaffected by the world around them. Contemporary society fundamentally affects us as individuals, how we make sense of the world around us, and the decisions we make as we navigate our lives. In this chapter, I will explore what it is about living in contemporary society that seems to make so many people dream of opting out. I will also explore the specific reasons individuals may have for leaving, what they go through, and the effect this has on them and their lives. I consider how my findings from my research on men opting out compare to the results from my research on women opting out. I pinpoint similarities and differences, and consider how their opting out and in processes are affected by the society in which they live. In this chapter, I introduce the narratives of Kasper, Tom, and Kimi. Kasper and Kimi are from Finland and Tom is from the UK. I chose these three narratives for this chapter as they are particularly illustrative of the pattern and process that I have discerned in my research on opting out.

Contemporary society and (in)coherent narratives of the self There is something about contemporary society that is different from anything we have ever experienced before. Although some will argue the opposite, that nothing of what we are seeing is, in fact, any different from previous time, what is new is the sheer intensity and speed by which we are experiencing globalization (see Lemert et al., 2010; Giddens, 1999; Held et al., 1999). Contemporary society is a globalized society that is driven by technology and the information age (Held and McGrew, 2007; Castells, 2006; Elliott and Lemert, 2006). The flow of information is instantaneous and knows no boundaries and there is a velocity and intensity to how people communicate with each other and how business is done (Curran, 2002). Due to an enabling and speeding up of communications and capital flows, organizations can function on a global scale. Interconnectedness and global networks drive globalization and transcend boundaries. They stretch across the globe and they are flexible, adaptive, and powerful, which

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is not only an advantage in the fast-changing and competitive contemporary climate, but probably also one of the causes of it (Held et al., 1999; Castells, 2006). Globalization and the network economy extend to all corners of the globe and affect all of us even if it does not include all of us, nor does it affect all of us in the same way (Stiglitz, 2008; Giddens, 1994; Bauman, 2001). Technology is a driver of globalization on an organizational and societal level, but it has also had a great impact on an individual level, and has an effect on how we relate to ourselves and each other (Elliott and Lemert, 2009). Artificial intelligence (AI) has become part of our every-day lives and transforms our personal lives and our lifestyles, as well as our workplaces, our social systems, and our institutions (Elliott, 2019). AI changes the way we communicate and interact with each other and with machines, and the boundaries between humans and machines have to a certain degree been dissolved (Elliott, 2019). Although all this presents great possibilities and opportunities for how we go about our lives, for modern medicine, for businesses and innovation, just to a name a few, the long-term and possibly detrimental effect on our sensibilities, identities, and emotional well-being is still unknown (Elliott, 2021; see also Possati, 2020). Mass media has a definitive influence on how we perceive the world. We can partake in events that happen as they happen all around the globe, which makes the world seem smaller, but also impacts our sense of risk. Two decades ago, Curran (2002) talked about how a new power center has emerged; that by controlling what information is spread and what is restricted, media can undermine the control of social knowledge. Bad news, spectacular events, crises, and conflicts sell better and therefore get broadcasted and spread to all the corners of the Earth. The result is a distorted world image and an overestimation of the risk of sudden and violent catastrophes as well as an underestimation of chronic risks, like environmental and health hazards (Greenberg et al., 1989; Robinson, 2007; Hamilton, 2003). Although this was something that concerned social theorists at the turn of the millennium, it is more pertinent than ever today with the ubiquity of social media. Anyone can broadcast news and spread information, anyone can be an influencer, and it has become difficult for people to navigate the internet and to know what information is reliable and real and what is not. Algorithms have a polarizing effect and since Donald Trump was elected president of the United States in 2016, so-called fake news has been on everyone’s lips everywhere. Spread of unfounded ‘truths’ and false facts enables marginal groupings to gain global traction. Anyone can be a self-acclaimed expert and it becomes difficult to know what and what not to believe (Hämäläinen, 2019). The heightened sense of risk is not only a question of perceived risk. While creating opportunities, the development and spread of technology is also responsible for actual risk in the form of environmental problems, or the more recent

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Chapter 1 Opting out in a globalized world

lowering of flock immunity due to more people choosing not to vaccinate. The rise of so-called anti-vaxxers and conspiracy theorists who question the reliability of the establishment are, at least in part, a result of living in a what Beck calls a risk society (see Werne, 2019; Beck, 1994). In fact, according to Beck, one of the main consequences of living in a risk society is the skepticism that arises in order to deal with the insecurities and hazards introduced and caused by modernity. Individuals may perceive a loss of sovereignty and power to decide which risks they subject themselves to. This, in turn, results in a loss of trust in authorities, scientists, and experts. As our knowledge evolves through scientific development, truth becomes something that is only to the best of our knowledge today, which potentially causes confusion and uncertainty. Risks are thus open to social construction, as they are no longer straight forward or set in stone (Beck, 1994). However, media not only spreads information and news, fake and otherwise, it also shapes what we learn and how we learn it, what is considered important and what we talk about. Media affects the attitudes we adopt and what cultural beliefs, norms, and values we internalize (Ott and Mack, 2010). With digital technologies and smart phones, the internet and social media have become a constant in our lives. Not only are we consumers of media, we are co-creators – we participate in it and are a part of it (Ott and Mack, 2010). This means that while media conditions us and affects the ways in which we think and the lifestyles, values, practices, and beliefs we find natural and desirable, the effect is especially strong since we as co-creators are involved in spreading and embedding them in our consciousness. What this may mean for a phenomenon like opting out, is that since opting out and adopting alternative lifestyles has received so much positive attention in the media, we may invariably be affected by this and see opting out as something meaningful and desirable. The threshold to actually take the step and leave a career may be lower if opting out has been romanticized in the media. In other words, the media depiction of opting out and related issues must be considered when looking at what it is that drives people to take that step. Social media has a great impact on our decisions and how we make sense of the world, as well as on identity, coherence, and well-being. Sherry Turkle (2011) has been a central figure in the debate of the adverse effects of social media. Having gone from being something of a fan of social media platforms just a few years earlier, Turkle started perceiving the adverse effect of social networks and virtual platforms on relationships and intimacy. In her earlier book Life On The Screen, Turkle (1996) writes about the internet, virtual worlds, and chat rooms in a positive light. She saw them as a creative way to experiment with and develop personal identity. When the virtual platform Second Life gained

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popularity in the early years of the new millennium, it was depicted in the media as an opportunity for, for example, individuals with physical disabilities to be more than they were as it enabled them to move around freely and live a life they could not live in real life (Boellstorff, 2008). It was ground breaking and made it possible for individuals to be whoever they wanted to be, regardless of class (Twenge, 2018). The internet and virtual worlds do provide new opportunities. The same is true for social media. It has the potential of connecting people just as promised and the possibility of raising awareness around important issues like climate change. For example, Greta Thunberg and the Fridays for Future initiative would not likely have gained the wide traction it did in such a short time had it not been for social media, nor would #MeToo, which became one of the most high-profile digital feminist activist movements (see Mendes, Ringrose and Killer, 2018). However, as the internet has developed and become accessible to anyone any time thanks to smartphones, there has also been a downside. Social media platforms, while designed to connect people, have been argued to actually make us lonelier. They have an effect on intimacy – suddenly we are not meeting people face-to-face anymore – and they also have a deep and defining effect on our emotional well-being and sense of self (Turkle, 2011). On social media, we can create and project personas we want others to see. Pictures and updates typically get edited until they are just right. They are kept short and the messiness and contradictions that are part of what it is to be human are taken out. However, by keeping it short, sleek and edited, we get flattened and reduced to our profiles on social media. What may feel like identity is actually just performances of identity (Turkle, 2011). We give less of ourselves and, in turn, also expect less of others. When we communicate in brief sentences, abbreviations, and emoticons, we limit the possibility of real and complex dialogue, which is problematic because it is actually through dialogue that we learn about ourselves and form our identities. By not engaging in real dialogue with others, we restrict our capacity for self-reflection (Turkle, 2011), which, ironically, is argued to be crucial in order to navigate this fast-changing, post-traditional society in which we live (Elliott, 2021). It is also ironic that while we use technology as a way to be in relationships with others, we also use it to protect ourselves from these very same relationships (Turkle, 2011). Technology blurs the boundaries between different areas of life and, as a result, time is simply in short supply. While technology is used to free up more time, it actually ties people up and creates a feeling of time accelerating. Turkle (2011) argues that when that is the case, relationships may feel like they just take up too much time, and social media allows us to take care of our relationships more effectively. We seek to simplify and diminish the

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complexity of communication and thus tend to prefer texting over talking. This gives us just the right amount of access to people, keeping them not too far, but not too close either, and we can nurture our relationships without the demands of intimacy (Turkle, 2011). However, Turkle goes on to explain that this form of connection can also lead to loneliness. We have many connections on social media platforms, nevertheless, despite being constantly connected, we are fearful of being disconnected and are thus denied the rewards of solitude. While this type of connection leads to isolation, many of us have lost, or perhaps never developed, the capacity to be by ourselves. According to Turkle, being connected to others does therefore not remedy loneliness, but is rather a symptom of the inability to be alone (Turkle, 2011). Much of this is echoed in other studies. For example, Twenge (2018) argues that by communicating mainly through technology, many young people may never even learn to nurture relationships nor to recognize the fundamental difference between face-to-face and online communication. They are, as a result, often alone, or if not physically alone then still lonely. However, although the individuals in my research are invariably affected by the culture of digital communication, they do recognize the importance of nurturing relationships and being there in person for loved ones. As we will see, relationships are a common denominator in the narratives I have collected, as well as one of the main reasons behind decisions to opt out. As they create and adopt new lifestyles, they also often create solutions where they can nurture their relationships and have more time for the people in their lives. It is as if they not only opt out of a certain way of working, but also a certain way of managing relationships. Perhaps this is a reaction to the disappearance of a social context and is part and parcel of posttraditional society that has, in turn, led to a feeling of ambivalence and an inability to classify or name experiences and actions (Bauman, 1991). In order to deal with this sense of ambivalence, reflexivity and the ability of knowing oneself and who one is in relation to others is not only a necessity, but has been taken to a whole new level in post-traditional society and has consequently become a reflexive project (Elliott and Lemert, 2006). In contemporary society, the focus is no longer on traditions, old rules, and boundaries, but on the individual and the individual’s internal world (Elliott and Lemert, 2009). Individuals are not handed collective identities and tradition no longer necessarily dictates their life choices. Identities must therefore be artificially produced and individuals must construct their own ‘do-it-yourself’ identity (Giddens, 1994; Bauman, 1991; Melucci, 1996). A result of this is the rise of the self-help industry and therapy culture, which adds to the sense that the possibilities of who or what to be are endless. I use the word sense because although it has been argued that this indeed is the case – that the possibilities today are

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endless (Giddens, 1991) – the situation and possibilities can vary dramatically between individuals based on for example gender, race, and class. In fact, feminist researchers have questioned the idea and argument that contemporary individuals have a myriad of lifestyles choice available to them (Hadfield, 1996). The work of scholars like Giddens and Beck has been criticized for failing to take into account the realities of women and ethnic minorities and that these theories of late modernity rather reflect the situation of white, middle-class males (see Mulinari and Sandell, 2009). Here it is important to note that Giddens (1999) did contend that although everyone is affected by this age of late modernity, it does not include everyone, nor is everyone affected in the same way. Still, interestingly, as we will see, the white, middle-class males I have interviewed are highly affected by tradition when they make lifestyle choices. This is something they struggle with as they opt out and in. While the critique of the theories of late modernity discussed above is justified, the theories are still helpful to understand just how different much of the way we live today is from previous eras and how this can affect our understanding (or a lack thereof) of who we are as well as the decisions we make. We experience major changes and technological breakthroughs on a daily basis. The way we communicate and interact with others has changed, affecting not only our identity and sense of self, but also intimacy. This can be confusing and as Elliott and Lemert (2006) explain, it has become increasingly difficult for contemporary individuals to create coherent narratives of their lives, which is necessary to achieve a sense of well-being (see Biese and McKie, 2015). This is something that I have seen clearly in my research on opting out, among both men and women. My interviewees have typically had difficulties creating coherent narratives of their lives and work before opting out. Their opting out and in processes, in addition to being about adopting new lifestyles and more sustainable solutions for work, also became a search for coherence. Next, I will introduce Kasper from Finland. He is 42 years old, married, with three children. He opted out of a top management position to start working on different terms for a different organization. His narrative provides an illustrative example of the process and experiences individuals typically go through as they opt out and in.

Kasper and the search for coherence I interviewed Kasper in a meeting room at my department. He came after hours on the way home from work. Like most of the men and women I have interviewed, he still works, although he opted out of his career in consulting where he held a top management position. He had been climbing the so-called

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career ladder ever since he graduated from university. In fact, when choosing what to study, he made sure he chose well. He became an engineer, which he explains is very career oriented with a promise of high-paying, prestigious jobs. He adds that he was actually never very ambitious, but felt he needed to live up to the expectations of those around him – both those of his family and his friends. However, it was not that he did not like the work he did as a consultant. He enjoyed the challenge and the projects, and he was good at what he did. However, as he made his way towards to upper levels of the corporate hierarchy, the expectations that were placed on him changed in ways that made him uncomfortable. When consultants make partner, they are expected to build a client base, manage client relationships, and sell more projects. Kasper was no longer very involved in the day-to-day work of the projects, which was what he really had enjoyed. He now had sales goals to live up to and selling made him very uncomfortable. He describes himself as an introvert and explains that selling was so far out of his comfort zone that he wondered whether, rather than being good for his development, which stepping out of one’s comfort zone can be, it was actually a waste of time more than anything else. Kasper explains that this is the reason he opted out. He says that this last promotion made him start thinking about making a change, and on top of that he was just tired of having to work such long hours. He comments, At [the firm where I worked] and in most other consulting firms, you are expected to be… 150 % motivated and to constantly give it your all in order to reach your goals and advance in your career. And I sort of started feeling that the work as such was fun but I didn’t really have the energy to do it on [those] conditions… to all the time give 150 %.

Kasper came prepared to the interview. He was looking forward to sharing his experiences since he had thought so much about them but never really talked about them to anyone before. I have found this to be rather typical of those who opt out and in. What this means is that Kasper had already created a narrative about his experiences, which he wanted to relay to me. What I have also found is that this narrative is often constructed not only for oneself but also for others, since the decision to opt out can be difficult to understand for those around us (see Biese, 2017). This also means that the rehearsed narrative is rarely the whole story and, when it came to Kasper, something seemed to be missing. In my years of researching opting out and in, I have found that the decision to leave is seldom easy or straight forward and I felt there was something Kasper was not telling me, consciously or not.

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In my previous research on women opting out (Biese, 2017), I found that their opting out and in processes were typically difficult. Those who do take the step and leave their careers usually experience a crisis of some sort that acts as a catalyst for change, and the women I interviewed were generally very upfront about their struggles. However, other than saying he felt uncomfortable in a sales role, Kasper did not mention any other difficulties he may have had. In fact, this turned out to be one of the differences between the men and the women in my research. The women spoke more openly about difficulties and crises they experienced on their opting out and in journeys. The men, on the other hand, did not spontaneously volunteer this information at first, or simply did not see it or want to see it as important. Since my method entailed me listening as my interviewees told their story (see Introduction), I did not want to explicitly ask if they had experienced a crisis. Instead, I listened very carefully for clues when interviewing the men. In the case of Kasper, a potential clue appeared when he started talking about a shift in mind-set he experienced after he started practicing yoga: I started with yoga a few years ago and it has had an interesting effect on… me and on my self-image, and especially on my values and on what I am interested in… What is cause and effect is of course hard to say, but practicing yoga has probably played a certain role [in all this]. Values and thoughts that come from the outside and from my environment have sort of fallen away. The interesting thing is that I have sort of noticed how much of my self-image… or my own values… what I think is important and what I think is right, what I think is cool has like [all] come from my environment. I have adopted [other values] because that is what other people in my environment have thought. […] I realize that this is not actually how I really think.

It occurred to me that this sudden interest in yoga might be a sign of something he was not telling me. I asked him what made him decide to try yoga, and he responded with a short laugh and explained that it was an “interesting process” but that he “got hooked” after he “had had… a couple of… small crises at work.” What happened was that he had been struggling with a project he was leading. He struggled with the pressure to promise results to clients that he was not completely confident his team would be able to deliver. He explains, There was… a lot of uncertainty […] and finally I backed out as I didn’t really dare promise what they wanted… there was great pressure, mental pressure… I felt I have to be mentally stronger to survive the pressure.

As a result, he backed out of a strategic deal with an important client because he felt it was wrong to go forward with something he was not certain he could deliver. At the firm, this was frowned upon, to say the least, and it eventually led to

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him being taken off the project. At this point, Kasper’s speech becomes hesitant and halting. It is clear that this is difficult for him to talk about. He uses the word “fired” to describe what happened to him – “I was fired as project leader” – although he continued to work for the firm. It was a shock and hard to deal with, and he felt a need to be mentally stronger in order to handle the pressure and the stress, and this, he says, was what inspired him to try yoga. It is clear that Kasper had difficulties finding coherence. He was uncomfortable in his new role, he was uncomfortable with the way things were done at the firm, and he was shocked over having been taken off a project. He explains how he hoped that yoga would help him become mentally stronger in order to deal with the pressure and uncertainty. Although this is not the vocabulary he used, he hoped that yoga would help him find some coherence. Eventually, after a lot of thought and soul searching, Kasper decided he could not work this way anymore and handed in his letter of resignation. He did not have any immediate plans for what he would do next and he laughs when he remembers how his colleagues reacted to that. They would approach him to ask about where he was going from there and when they realized that he did not know, “their jaws dropped”. It is not unusual for people who opt out to not know what they are going to do next. They often feel a sense of urgency and leave before they have planned a next step (see Biese, 2017). However, Kasper knew that he wanted to find another job, he just did not know exactly what it would be. He comments, You have to make a living. […] I could manage with a lot less but my children could not. They want all kinds of things… they have use for every penny I bring home… Yes, personally… I would be able to [make do with less] but… it would perhaps be a bit selfish to just think about myself and then make my children disappointed that we can’t go on some vacation because dad downshifted.

Kasper is married and has three teenaged children. His wife has a career of her own and is a high earner. However, still he feels pressure not only to support the family, but also to uphold a certain lifestyle for his children. This is illustrative of what a strong foothold the breadwinner ideal continues to have in society and in men’s consciousness, even in a country like Finland where both men and women traditionally work and where the percentage of women working full-time is among the highest in the EU (Tinsley et al., 2015; Eurostat, 2016). After handing is his letter of resignation, Kasper felt relief but also a feeling of “what have I done?” It occurred to him that most people would probably not understand his decision to pass up such a prestigious job, but he was tired and looking forward to taking some time off to rest. Nevertheless, he ended up being unemployed for no more than about a week. A former client offered him a job,

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which he accepted. He reasoned that maybe it was just as well, that not working was probably not as wonderful as it sounded, and that he would soon have been quite stressed about trying to find a new job. The hours are, however, much more humane and he started with a different mindset, well aware of what his terms are: If I think about what is important… first of all it, of course, has to feel fun to work or you have to have a good work environment […] I am quite sensitive to there being a lot of… pressure and friction… Then the second thing is that I actually want to make sure that when I am off I am actually off and not working. This was something that I myself at the beginning of my career looked down on, people who just worked eight to four and then they just went home […] I really looked down on people like that but now I have come to the conclusion that [laugh] it is exactly what I want and I really think it is important mentally to not be at work 24 hours a day. To be able to turn off and focus on something else. I think it is very important for my mental well-being. It’s things like that that I make sure of and that I think I am mature and experienced enough to do. After all, it is very much about setting your own boundaries and especially since there is no one else who does is for you. Everything you offer is taken, if you offer to be available 24/7 there is no one who protests, you have to set your boundaries yourself.

Setting boundaries at work can feel like a tricky thing to do for many. It has been found that the responsibility to set boundaries is generally placed on the employee. However, this can be difficult to do if they fear that if they are not willing or able to do a job in a certain way, there are certainly others who will (see Pfeffer, 2018). Kasper was experienced and sought after by headhunters and therefore felt able to draw his own boundaries and define his own terms. That is not necessarily possible for someone with less experience and who is less established in his or her professional life. I will discuss this in greater detail in the next chapter. In the meantime, Kasper goes on to say, I think that it isn’t… the amount of work that is the most important factor when it comes to my well-being and a classic misconception is that if someone is stressed at work or burned out that the underlying reason is that there has been too much work. I think the amount of work is secondary […] anyone can do a lot of work if it feels like the conditions are okay and you know that you are appreciated, that what you do is appreciated, that you know that it would also be okay to not do that much, that you know that you don’t have to be perfect to be accepted… That there is a lot to do… you can handle that much better if you know that you’re not going to [die] if you can’t handle it all.

This is something that I have heard a lot during my years of researching opting out. Many of the men and women I have interviewed have continued to work hard after opting out and in (see Biese, 2017; Biese, 2020). For most of them, it was not about how much they worked but rather about having more control

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over where, when, and how they worked and where, when, and how they did other things, like spend time with family. In fact, as I will explain in the next section, this control is key to gaining a sense of coherence.

The opting out process: From incoherence to coherence During the years I have researched opting out, I have discerned a pattern or process that both the men and the women in my research went through when they opted out and in. Kasper’s narrative is very illustrative of this process. The opting out and in process has three parts: the time before opting out, the actual opting out, and the time after or the ‘opting in’ to new lifestyles or solutions for work (Biese, 2017). Before opting out, my interviewees generally experienced a lack of agency and control, and found it difficult to create coherent narratives of their lives and work. Like Kasper, they did not have an intention to opt out, it was not something they had been planning to do, rather they continued living and working the way they had until they experienced a crisis of some sort that made them realize they could no longer go on. Kasper’s crisis involved being taken off a project. However, the triggering crisis could be anything from a health issue or a death in the family to an identity crisis or an issue at work. Whatever it was, it provided them with a so-called light-bulb moment and worked as catalyst to push them to make a change. As Mainiero and Sullivan (2006: 174) comment, a crisis can drive people to search for authenticity and, in turn, become a “force… to navigate a formidable transition period.” Other than that, there has been very little mention of a crisis as a catalyst for change in previous research and debates on opting out (see Biese, 2017). Nevertheless, in her research on women who leave their careers, Blair-Loy (2003) found that women who leave their careers are twice as likely to have experienced a crisis in the family than women who stay. Research has shown that a crisis caused by a more or less traumatic incident or event can trigger an identity crisis, which, in turn, can propel an individual to make a change in his or her life (Cullberg, 1975). In order to cope with the crisis, he or she must find the will to overcome the crisis, which often then propels him or her to act and find a new equilibrium or point of balance. Murgatroyd and Woolfe (1982) define crisis as a transition period that can trigger personal growth, which, in turn, may enhance an individual’s well-being. This is something that I have seen very clearly in the narratives I have collected. The crisis led to a realization that something has got to give, which, in turn, triggered a period of reflection and soul searching. Individuals spent time thinking about what is important to them and what they are and are not willing to give up. As Kasper

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mentions at the end of his interview, the issue of control is paramount. During the time before opting out, my interviewees felt they had little control over their lives. They were under a lot of pressure and could not control where, when, and how they worked. This was especially difficult for those with children, but also those who did not have children had other loved ones who they wanted to be more present for but felt that they could not. There simply was not enough time. The expectancy of 24/7 availability and dedication that they experienced in their careers did not allow that. In their new lifestyles and solutions for work, they were adamant about setting boundaries and finding ways where they could work on their own terms. It involved creating solutions where they had more control over where, when, and how they worked. This, in turn, provided a sense of coherence, which gave them a sense of authenticity, and, just as Murgatroyd and Woolfe (1982) contend, led to greater well-being (see also Biese and McKie, 2015; Biese and Choroszewicz, 2018). For Kasper this meant working more humane hours and feeling safe and appreciated at work. The issue of coherence, which is central to the opting out and in process, is also a central part of living in contemporary society. The difficulty to create a coherent life narrative can clearly be discerned in the stories I have collected and is partly caused by the hectic lifestyles and corporate cultures and career models, and aggravated by the societal factors that are typical of high modernity. However, there is also another aspect of contemporary life and high modernity that is mirrored in the opting out and in process: the concept of crisis. In contemporary society, crisis is argued not to necessarily only be associated with lifechanging decisions. High modernity has been argued to be “inherently prone to crisis” and the very core of self-identity is threatened by crises that arise whenever individual or collective goals no longer seem adequate (Giddens, 1991: 184). The ever-hectic speeding up of working cultures, the heightened experience of risk, a fear of being disposable (Bauman, 2005), and the so-called tight-rope society (Beck, 1994) where people have to keep reinventing themselves in order not to lose their balance, these are factors that arguably add to this so-called ongoing state of crisis. What this means is that rather than being an interruption, crisis today is, in one form or another, more or less on-going. This is something that all of us have experienced first-hand with the COVID-19 pandemic, but also with the issue of global warming. Crisis was not a one-off thing in the opting out narratives I collected either. Most of the individuals in my research did not only experience the crisis that pushed them to make a change. Soon after opting out they experienced another crisis, triggered by the loss of professional identity (see Biese, 2017). Next, I will introduce Tom from the UK. He had an extremely hectic, intense, and high-risk

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job and, like Kasper, experienced a personal crisis that pushed him to opt out. After opting out, he soon experienced another crisis as he dealt with his dramatic lifestyle change. However, he worked through it, and came out the other end with a feeling of authenticity, of being exactly where his is supposed to be, and of doing what he was meant to do.

Tom and a feeling of authenticity The first thing I notice as we start our interview is what a warm person Tom is. He seems genuinely happy to meet me and to be part of my research project. We end up having a long interview followed by an animated conversation about work and life choices. Tom was a managing director at a large multinational organization when he opted out. He was in a top position in the corporate hierarchy, and his career trajectory had, in his own words, “gone from strength to strength”: I’d been promoted, I’d taken on new teams, I’d taken on new work and everything outwardly was going very well.

However, he was under constant high pressure and during the process of his final promotion before opting out, Tom got a feeling that he just could not go on the way he had. He describes how he felt at the time: I just can’t do this anymore. I really don’t like it, there’s something that isn’t quite working for me.

Still, despite needing a change, Tom continued working as most people do although they long for another job or another lifestyle (see Biese, 2017). Until they experience a crisis, the threshold to upend everything that is familiar is simply too high. He comments, [M]y instincts… kicked in and I ended up working harder and getting more success, which I thought would result in a greater satisfaction level.

It all came to a head a couple of years later. There was an on-going crisis within the organization that Tom had to deal with, which caused him a great deal of stress. His brother had also recently suffered a breakdown from work exhaustion and seeing the detrimental effect stress can have on a person finally did it for Tom. He explains,

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Part of me just wanted to run away from the whole thing […] I really cannot do it and I don’t want to turn out like my brother.

He was meeting with a coach at the time as a part of a leadership development program he was in and started to realize that the part of his job he enjoyed the most was working with people. He started looking into the possibility of being transferred to another department in the organization. However, since he was in such a senior position, moving him to another area was not straight forward: [I]ronically I was too senior and too expensive to be able to move across and kind of start again in a different area.

He came to a point when he felt he just could not go on anymore. He felt a great sense of urgency and explains how he did not want to wait another minute. He called his boss on the phone, not wanting to wait to set up a meeting. She had been a mentor to him while he had been working for her and seemed to understand his situation. After their conversation he knew what he needed to do and handed in his letter of resignation. Like for most of those I have interviewed, opting out was a gradual process. Before he actually left, Tom finished projects and tied up loose ends to make the transition as smooth as possible for the company. During his final months at the company he worked from home. He was no longer geographically bound by his job and he and his family also decided to move to another part of the country. When he finally did stop working, he immediately experienced the next crisis. His voice becomes lower and takes on a darker timbre when he describes the time after he stopped working. It is almost as if he is talking about a death – the death of his career: It was quite different when I finished formally, and then the emails stopped, I handed back my blackberry, and it was like you know… silence.

What he thought would be a good time for him to take a much-needed rest, became a time of adjustment and anxiety: I didn’t respond too well to the, you know, cold turkey of exiting my day being managed for me and being busy and very diverse to something that was driven by the routine of getting the kids to school, making sure we had food in the house, because you know I had said to [my wife] as part of this I want you to really focus on your business so… I’ll shoulder a lot of the household responsibilities. So, you know, my day had gone from having a personal assistant who would go ‘right this is your day, from 8 o’clock to 6 o’clock you’ve got meetings’ all the time […] to a… I’ve got to get the kids up, 8:45 they’re going to school, they’re out at 3:15 and that’s the structure of the day and make some dinner in the evening and that sort of thing.

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I found it really difficult […] it was a very weird and kind of empty time, I was looking for the freedom to re-energize me and actually it felt very uncomfortable, very empty… It was quite tough.

Tom had gone from being a highly paid, highly successful corporate executive to just being at home. His plan was to rest a bit and then find a new job or way of making a living. In the meantime, he took care of the children and the household. He was happy to have the opportunity to be there for his children and spend time with them. While he was at his previous job, he hardly ever saw them: That to me was another huge factor when it came to exiting my previous work… I’d leave at 6:50 in the morning and I’d be back at around 8 o’clock at night and so I’d see [the older child] about twice a week to put into bed, [the younger] maybe once a week staying up late on the weekends. I was too tired to kind of, you know, to really be a particularly effective parent.

However, he was still influenced by traditional or objective definitions of success (Ng et al., 2005). While he wanted to be there for his children and he knew what he was doing was important, it did not feel like much of a personal achievement: And my sense of achievement and… my sense of what, you know, it meant to be successful… was still really twisted. I felt like I didn’t have that sense of achievement because I wasn’t seeing spending time with the kids, getting them to school on time, picking them up, helping with the homework… I wasn’t seeing those activities as achievements.

Part of the opting out and in process was, for all of my interviewees, a time of thinking about what is important to them and what they are and are not willing to give up for their careers. In her article ‘The Opt-Out Revolution’, Belkin (2003) wrote about how the women she interviewed talked about how their successful careers did not give them a successful life, and this is also reflected in many of my interviews. In the next chapter, where I focus more on working cultures and career models, I will explore more in-depth the difference between objective and subjective definitions of success. However, in the meantime, Tom, like many of my other interviewees, spent a lot of time thinking about and redefining what was important to him. As he explains above, it was not an easy transition. This is typical for individuals pursuing careers as their professional identity is so closely linked to their personal identity and sense of self (Stone, 2007; Biese, 2017). Tom did not only experience the crisis that pushed him to take the step and opt out, but immediately experienced the next crisis – an identity crisis – as he struggled to adjust to his new lifestyle.

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Choices to opt out do not happen in a vacuum. Invariably, those around us are affected by our life choices, and this was very much the case for Tom. He was not the only one to who experienced an identity crisis after he quit his job. It was also an adjustment for his parents and his wife. When it came to Tom’s parents, their identities were also affected by his life choices: [M]y parents… had an extremely negative reaction, extremely. I mean I think they quite enjoyed talking about their son who is… a managing director… given it up to do what? What is [that]?

For his wife, it was an even greater adjustment as it had an impact on their everyday lives and household routines. Tom’s opting out triggered a series of changes. Not only did they move to another part of the country when Tom left his job, now he and his wife had to navigate new roles in the home as she started focusing on her job. This took a lot of adjusting for both of them: Yeah and I think all of us are still coming to terms with that to be honest. That’s probably been the most difficult [part] and I think the most disappointing bit of the change […] We’re around each other a lot more and I thought that would be much more enjoyable [but] a lot of it has been us clashing over things, you know. I do more washing than I used to do for example and her not liking the way that I do it… It’s just little things where… I feel that I can help out and I just go and do it and she’s going I know you’re trying to help out but I don’t do it this way… and I’ve done this forever and… can you do it my way and no I don’t want to do it your way… In the last nine months since we’ve been here we’ve had the worst arguments of our 20-year relationship… There’s a certain reluctance on [my wife’s] part to let me in… on her terms but also I haven’t done it in a particularly sensitive way.

Eventually Tom decided to start retraining as a nutritionist. This was something he had been interested in for a long time and at the time of the interview he is making plans to set up his own business. He is very optimistic and feels like his life has taken on a new meaning. He has more control over his life and his time, and this feeling of control provides him with a sense of coherence and authenticity: I’m in control of my own time, this is my vision. I’m in control of my own time and I work with people I want to work with… I thought I was in control but I wasn’t, I was entirely driven by, you know, world events and what my employer wanted from me… [T]hat will mean creating enough space during the day and the week to be with my family and to be with my kids in particular […] So being able to pick and choose, being able to also work with people in a meaningful way […] Control is a good way to look at it. It makes me feel very empowered actually […] What’s important to me is me feeling right about my place in the world. So, I know now what my purpose in life is, why I’m on this planet.

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Myths of opting out I have found that there are a lot of myths or misconceptions when it comes to opting out (see also Stone, 2013). Two of them I have already discussed: that it is only about women and that it is about leaving the workforce altogether. By now we have seen that men do also opt out. We have seen that opting out does not necessarily mean quitting work altogether, although it can also mean that. Research has shown that those with careers rarely do so, but rather start doing something else on different terms (see Stone, 2007; Biese, 2017). A third myth is that it is only something that those who have spouses to support them who have the luxury of leaving the workforce. I have interviewed individuals who are single, who are divorced, and some have been single parents. They, like most people, do not have the luxury to stop working altogether. Even if they have a spouse who works, many families are dependent on two salaries (see Waismel-Manor, 2016). Some may even have been the main breadwinners, as in the case of Tom. However, whether or not they have a spouse or a family, they still need to be able to continue making a living. Most people also want to continue doing meaningful work (Stone, 2007), although they want to do it in a way that is sustainable. Two other myths are that people who opt out lack ambition or simply do not have what it takes to make it in the corporate world and that once they do opt out it is forever. Neither of these are necessarily true. Most of the individuals I interviewed were ambitious. They wanted to work, they wanted to do meaningful work, and they had been building their careers over several years. The problem was that doing it the way that was expected was not sustainable for them. Despite saying things like “I am finally where I am meant to be” or “I am finally doing what I am meant to be doing”, the men and women I interviewed were generally aware that the choices and changes they had made were good for the time being until their circumstances and needs change again. Opting out is not forever. Further down the line, the new lifestyle may no longer fulfill their needs and they may end up opting out again or even opting back in to the type of work they opted out of in the first place. Life is not static and situations, wants, and needs change (see also McKie, Biese and Jyrkinen, 2013). Having gone through a crisis, thought about what was important to them, what their terms are, and what they are and are not willing to give up make them continuously re-evaluate their situations. Another misconception is that opting out is a quick fix and an easy way out of a difficult situation. Contemporary society is saturated by notions of shorttermism and quick-fixism (Elliott and Lemert, 2006). It permeates corporate culture, where a focus on long-term goals has been replaced by a focus on shorttermism and quick wins (Tonello, 2006). It also permeates popular culture and

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the self-help industry, where we are bombarded with promises of complete makeovers and instant transformations to become the best that we can be (Elliott, 2021; Elliot et al., 2012, Elliott, 2008). In fact, Elliott (2021) argues that what we are seeing is a ‘reinvention craze’ and that reinvention is the way individuals reaffirm themselves and their experiences in a society that is defined by risk. As individuals feel powerless in the face of global risks (Beck, 1992), they focus instead on psychic and bodily self-improvements, and reinvention becomes an embodiment of the dream of something else (Elliott, 2021). Against that back-drop, opting out may be seen as a part of the reinvention culture and a possible quick-fix to an untenable situation. Nevertheless, there was nothing quick about any of my interviewees’ opting out and in experiences and processes. It often entailed a time of ambivalence and searching before figuring out what their next step was going to be. For many, all they knew was that they needed to make a change, and the sense of urgency often made them opt out without having a plan for what would happen next. Here it is important to note that they were privileged in their ability to do so. Since they opted out of high-paying jobs, they were able to take the risk of not knowing how and when they would get their next salary. Many were so exhausted when they opted out that they needed a period of rest. Many just started doing something, simply to be able to explain their decisions to others. It was not unusual that they created narratives of what they were doing that they thought others could relate to in order to make telling others about it easier (Biese, 2017). Nevertheless, opting out and in is neither easy nor quick. It is often a time of great uncertainty, and for some the search for what to opt in to is still ongoing. The following narrative is Kimi’s from Finland. Kimi opted out of a corporate career to work on a PhD. At first, when I interviewed Kimi, I became conscious that he did not seem to have gone through the same pattern as the others I had interviewed. After analyzing his narrative and contemplating this, I realized that the reason was that he was still in the midst of his opting out and in process; he had not yet found a new lifestyle, nor a feeling of authenticity or control.

Kimi: Anything but a quick fix When looking through my narratives, I tried to choose ones for this book that were illustrative of all the different aspects of opting out that I found in my data set. Although my interviewees generally all went through the process from opting out to opting in that I describe earlier in this chapter, in Kimi’s narrative these stages were not as clear. His narrative did not strike me as a good example of what I had seen in my data and I decided rather early on that

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I would therefore not include it in the book. The interview was shorter than most and I also felt that I did not really get as much rich material as I did in the other interviews. However, as I was analyzing the interviews, I came back to Kimi’s to see if there was something I was missing. The more time I spent reading through Kimi’s narrative, the more I became convinced that I had indeed missed something and that it actually was quite a good example after all. The reason I was thrown at first was that Kimi was still in the midst of it; he had not gone all the way from opting out to opting in. He was still in a place of incoherence and confusion with regards to his life narrative and why he was where he was. This was most likely the reason that he was unable to articulate the issues that the other men in my dataset could. He had not experienced them yet, maybe he never will. Let me start from the beginning. With a degree in business, Kimi had been on the fast track ever since he graduated from university. He got a job at a telecom company, and his career sky-rocketed. Before he knew it, he was heading up a large team – which included his first boss who was now reporting to him – and he traveled a lot: I traveled more the 150 days per year, which is more than five months. I could be coming home from one country on a Friday night and on Sunday I would travel to another country. For these projects [that I was involved in] we had no regulated working hours so it happened that we even worked around the clock and when that happened you were quite tired after that. During one project… I counted that I had worked over 200 hours overtime in one month.

The pace was extreme but Kimi was enjoying himself: It was all a lot of fun, it was really fun to work with this but it was exhausting… there was a time when everyone was pulling at me from all directions.

After having working this way for about five years, Kimi was offered a job that would entail less travel. He had a choice to make, because as it happened, he was also offered a very exciting new position in The Netherlands with the company he was already working for. It was a difficult choice, but he felt very tired so he finally settled on taking the new job with less travel. It was a good opportunity; his role was to set up a subsidiary of a large company. He would be able to use all his skills while also having more control over his time, but most importantly, he would not have to continue with the grueling lifestyle of being on the road for almost half the year. Looking back, Kimi clearly sees this as a pivotal moment, he mentions it several times during the interview:

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It was a big decision, if I had chosen to go to [The Netherlands], my life would probably have looked very different.

He sounds wistful every time he mentions it. This decision was the start of several career moves, none of which turned out to be very successful. This first position setting up and heading the subsidiary turned out to be tricky. Instead of being allowed to get started with setting up the business, he had to wait for the board to finally agree on what they wanted the subsidiary’s focus to be. Kimi talks about how a lot of time was spent doing strategic planning and laying the groundwork to set up the business, however it never really got off the ground due to internal politics. After a couple of years, the organization went through a major restructuring and the CEO of the group was replaced. As the new CEO went over all the divisions, Kimi was let go due to not having generated enough business. I could detect bitterness in Kimi’s voice as he was explaining what happened. Still, he emphasizes what a great learning experience it was for him and although he felt quite frustrated at the time, he quickly found a new job. Again, he was recruited to set up a subsidiary and again he got caught up in corporate politics and a badly planned business idea. Nothing came of it. He was frustrated over once again having made a career choice that did not work out as planned and decided maybe it was time to move back home to Finland: I didn’t really have any idea of what I was going to do in Finland, but I decided I wanted to move [back], so I sold my apartment [in the city where I lived] and I started looking for a job.

Once he was back in Finland he applied for jobs, but he also played with the idea of applying to a doctoral program. The company he had worked for before moving back to Finland had been a consulting firm with a strong connection to the academic world, and a PhD seemed like an interesting option. He applied to a program, was accepted, and decided to work on a PhD instead. He combined his doctoral studies with part-time consulting work, which was difficult, but after a few years he successfully finished and defended his thesis. However, he did not want to pursue an academic career and when he graduated he found a job heading a state-owned organization, which is where he was still working when I interviewed him. I had met Kimi about half a year earlier at an event where I talked about my research. He approached me after the talk, saying that he had opted out of a career and would be happy to let me interview him. However, when I was interviewing him, his process did not seem like what I had come to know as a typical opting out and in journey. It was obvious that he had experienced several crises,

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he had been fired from one job and neither of the two subsidiaries he had been hired to set up worked out. Opting out was certainly not a quick fix for Kimi; his opting out process had gone on for years, and still seemed to be on-going. I could detect bitterness in his voice when he talked about his experiences and he seemed to be quite disillusioned with the corporate world as a whole. In fact, he seemed quite frustrated by his current job as well. In my experience, people who opt out and in feel a sense of authenticity after going through their opting out and in processes. They generally also gain a sense of coherence and meaning after opting out and in. However, Kimi seemed to regret having left that first company he worked for, while also acknowledging just how tired he had been after having worked there. Still, he wonders what he would be doing now if he had chosen to take that job in The Netherlands: I would have been promoted and got more responsibility but it would also have meant over 200 travel days per year and to be honest I was quite fed up by all the travel… My whole life was about work… I couldn’t have a hobby, I couldn’t have any stable relationships, it just didn’t work… I had colleagues then who had worked in that business area for 30 years and they were remarried for the third time… I wasn’t at all sure that that was what I wanted.

Individuals need to create coherent narratives of their lives and work; it is important for their sense of well-being (see Biese and McKie, 2015; Antonovsky, 1979). Life events are typically quite random and hard to predict, and agency is attributed and added in hindsight in order to make sense of one’s experiences (Linde, 1993). Like Tom, the individuals in my studies who opted out and in, typically achieved a sense of authenticity, a feeling that they are finally where they are supposed to be, doing what is right for them. This feeling of authenticity is, in part, a result of all the soul searching they do during a time of upheaval, but also a result of finally finding a sense of coherence, and of being able to create a coherent narrative about what they have been through and about their lives and work. Kimi had simply not reached that point. He was clearly still struggling to find this sense of coherence, to be able to make sense of his experiences and of how they fit into his life narrative.

A product of high modernity or lashing back at it? In this chapter, we have looked at the context in which the opting out takes place. We have explored how globalization, short-termism, and the hectic lifestyles of the 21st century make it difficult for individuals to create coherent life narratives, and how it is exacerbated by media culture and a heightened

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sense of risk. This difficulty finding a sense of coherence was clearly discerned in Kasper’s narrative, while Tom’s narrative illustrated how the opting out and in process helped him find a sense a coherence, which, in turn, provided a sense of authenticity and well-being. Kimi’s narrative demonstrated how difficult opting out can be and that it is anything but a quick fix, contrary to popular belief. Opting out it thus not just the gendered phenomenon it has been treated as in previous debates. It is a contemporary and societal one. The culture of reinvention has an impact on the opting out phenomenon as the makeover and self-help industry, on the one hand, and the push for reinvention, on the other, are bound to lower the threshold for individuals to make major lifestyle changes. What may not have seemed possible in earlier generations, is part of every-day discourse today. In the media, we see stories all the time of people who leave their jobs and reinvent themselves as something else (see Biese, 2017). As I discussed at the beginning of this chapter, these stories are often romanticized and the struggles that are part and parcel of the opting out and in experience are not shared. Nevertheless, the question remains, how much does the culture of reinvention really affect decisions to opt out? Is opting out a result of the push for reinvention, is it something else, or is it perhaps a combination of things? At first glance, it may seem that opting out really is part of the so-called ‘reinvention craze’ (Elliott, 2021), and in a way the individuals in my study have indeed reinvented themselves. However, the question is what is it that drives them to leave the known for the unknown, and to create and adopt new lifestyles and forms of work? None of the men and women in my research initially planned to opt out. They did not do it until they experienced some sort of crisis like a sickness, a death in the family, an identity crisis, or a clash of values at work, which worked as a catalyst, pushing them to finally take the step. However, in the spirit of therapy culture, they did a lot of self-analysis to make sense of their lives and needs. This was noticeable at the time of the interview. They had already created narratives about their experiences at that point, and were able to analyze their decisions and the effect they had on them and on their lives. They typically searched for a sense of authenticity. As the world becomes more difficult to navigate and control and individuals tend to have difficulties finding coherence in their lives and creating coherent narratives about their lives and their work, it has been argued that individuals have no choice but to turn inwards in search of an unaffected, inner, authentic self (Bauman, 2005; Sennett, 1977; Elliott and Lemert, 2006). It is not unusual that a crisis triggers a search for authenticity and a redefining of values (Murgatroyd and Woolfe, 1982). However, therapy culture is also argued to be a culture of self-absorption and, as a result, individuals have difficulties sustaining intimate relationships (Sennett, 1977). There is no evi-

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dence of that in my data. On the contrary, it is a need to nurture their intimate relationships that is one of the main reasons for opting out among those I have interviewed. They simply both want and need to spend more time with the people who are important to them and they create lifestyles to accommodate that. As I mentioned at the beginning of this chapter, there is research that suggests that in a time of acceleration, there will invariably also be resistance and a counteraction in the form of deceleration (Rosa, 2003), and that there, in fact, is a trend to counteract globalization and individualization (Boyle, 2003). Perhaps the simpler, less hectic lifestyles with more time for family and friends that those in my study opted in to are, in part, a result of that. It is most likely a combination of both. However, what has been especially central in the interviews, is the negative effect working cultures, ideals, and practices have on individual health and well-being. Organizations are highly affected by globalization and this has a direct effect on their employees. In the following chapter I will focus on working cultures and norms and analyse how these effect individuals and their decisions to opt out. I will also look at some of the solutions the men in my research have created instead. What is it they want and need? What is it that organizations fail to see, consider, or do?

Chapter 2 Contemporary working cultures and career models As I was interviewing men who had opted out, I felt there was something about the narratives that seemed different from the women’s narratives I had collected earlier, but it was hard for me to put my finger on what exactly it was. It was not the different gender norms that men and women face and the gendered expectations that society places on them. Those were relatively obvious and easy to detect. Nor was it the opting out process and the issues that came up in the different phases when opting out and in. Most of the men seemed to go through the same process as the women had. What it was, was a disillusionment in the men’s narratives that I had not detected in the women’s narratives. Many of the men were disillusioned with the corporate world and quite critical of the working cultures and practices in the organizations that they had left. This was actually quite a stark contrast to the women’s narratives. For the women, leaving tended to feel more like a personal issue and sometimes even a failure. They easily felt there was something wrong with them if they could not manage having it all and ended up wanting to opt out (see Biese, 2017). This is not unusual for women, who often feel very alone in their situations despite the issues they face more often than not being structural (see Biese, 2017; Biese and Choroszewicz, 2018, 2019). The individualist culture in organizations places responsibility on individuals even when the issues they are dealing with are beyond their control (see for example Meyerson and Fletcher, 2000). However, the men in my study, unlike the women, did not generally see any difficulties they had as their own problem, but rather felt they were due to the practices and work cultures in the organizations where they worked. However, despite this difference, corporate cultures, structures, and practices have had a central role in all the narratives of opting out, both the men’s and the women’s, and is a major factor in decisions to leave. In fact, considering this, I have been struck by how little attention has been paid to working cultures and workplace well-being in previous research on opting out (see for example, Biese, 2020). The numbers are really quite dismal. In 2014, approximately half of all global workers were reportedly unhappy in their jobs, mainly due to a lack of security caused by constant restructuring and cost-cutting (the Kelly Global Workforce Index 2014). Middle managers have been found to be among the unhappiest (Zenger and Folkman, 2014). In the past decades, work-related stress has had a substantial adverse effect on health and the top sources of stress have been https://doi.org/10.1515/9783110725797-004

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found to be work and money (Ganster and Rosen, 2013; Cottini and Lucifora, 2014; Pfeffer, 2018; American Psychological Association, 2015). In the Nordic countries, the cost of care of mental illness has skyrocketed since 1991 and is today by far the largest healthcare cost in society (Ahonen et al., 2016). Despite this, instead of focusing on and trying to change the structures in society that are the sources of these increasing health issues and costs, the focus is generally on the individual and his or her lifestyles choices (Pfeffer, 2018; Ahonen et al., 2016). Against this backdrop, it is all the more important that the opting out debate is not only broadened beyond women, but that the organizational cultures individuals opt out of are also critically examined. In this chapter, I will therefore be looking at the corporate cultures, career models, and work ideals that individuals leave behind when they opt out, and the effect these have on their well-being and sense of self. Mainstream corporate career models no longer necessarily even correspond to how contemporary individuals work and live (Greenhaus et al., 2010; Mainiero and Sullivan, 2006). Still, the masculinist, linear career model continues to be the norm for those who aim to reach the top echelons of corporate hierarchies (see Biese and Choroszewicz, 2019). Research has shown that instead of being linear, careers often follow different patterns. I will explore some of these career models that better describe how individuals really work and live. I will examine and problematize boundaries between work and other areas of life and the concept of work-life balance. These are central issues for individuals who pursue careers, as work increasingly spills over into the private sphere, but private issues are generally considered best kept invisible at work (Cahusac and Kanji, 2014). Finally, I will examine objective and subjective definitions of success. Those who opt out, typically very carefully consider what is important to them and what they are and are not willing giving up (see Biese, 2017). For them, objective measures like a high salary, a prestigious title, a corner office, or a company car may no longer feel important. Instead, having time to spend with loved ones and having control to decide where, when, and how they work may be ways in which they measure their success in the new lifestyles and solutions for work that they opt in to. We will meet Matti, Craig, and John. Matti is from Finland. He opted out of a top management position to pursue his passion for photography. Craig is from the US and opted out of a linear career progression to work on his own terms. In other words, he never left the organization, but he has chosen not to pursue a career in the way that is expected of him. John is from the UK and gave up a top corporate position to go back to design work, which out of a career perspective could be considered a step backwards, but for him has been a meaningful career move.

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Contemporary working life and career models In the past decades, labor markets and corporate cultures have experienced substantial changes. Information technology, increased competition, and higher turbulence has increased the pressure for greater organizational flexibility and long-term focus has been replaced by short-termism and quick wins (Cottini and Lucifora, 2013; Tonello, 2006; Laverty, 1996). Although corporations have been the main drivers of globalization, this way of working has also spilled over to and been adopted by other types of organizations, like governments, municipalities, hospitals, and schools, and has come to be considered the best practice of today (Sennett, 2006). Corporations strive to become as non-bureaucratic and flexible as possible in order to keep costs at a minimum as well as to keep up with the pressures of short-term wins and the ever more competitive global business environment (Sennett, 2006; Elliott, 2021). As a result, the hierarchical pyramid has been dismantled and replaced by a business ideal consisting of the horizontal corporation and networks (Sennett, 2006; Castells, 1998). This network ideal can be discerned on all levels of the organization, both locally and globally. There are networks of companies, teams, and employees, the appeal of which is flexibility, fluidity, and a transitory way of working (Sennett, 2006). The ideal is project orientation; individuals and groups are brought together to work on specific projects and at completion they are often reallocated to new projects with new team members (Castells, 1998). However, a major disadvantage of working this way is that, in addition to fluidity, it can create instability, insecurity, and ambiguity, as well as a lack of coherence among those who work in these environments (Sennett, 2006). Although the whole idea of networks is integration, connection, flexibility, and fluidity, work can become very fragmented for the individual (Castells, 1998). As network-like organizations are light on their feet, change and reorganizations are made faster and easier. This, in turn, means that promotions and terminations may not follow predictable patterns, which adds to a sense of insecurity (Powell and Smith-Doerr, 1994; Sennett, 2006). In addition, time pressures to produce quick results may cause time-anxiety and, as a result, the team and the community end up on opposite ends of the spectrum. While community entails belonging, security, and stability, teams are fluid and transitory. As a result, Sennett (2006) argues that work places have become more like train stations than villages. Another issue that adds to a sense of ambiguity and insecurity in contemporary organizations is that these fast-changing times in which we live make it difficult to know what skills will be needed in the future (Sennett, 2006). Since the age of digitalization and the internet, the focus for employees has shifted from craftsmanship, knowledge, experience, and past achievement to having poten-

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tial and being able to easily adjust to change in order to survive in a flexible and ambiguous environment (Sennett, 2006). One of the results of this is a fluid, flexible, and ambiguous working environment that cultivates insecurity as well as a fear of being expendable and becoming redundant – a ‘fear of disposability’ (Bauman, 2000). The ideal of continuous change also contributes to a difficulty to create a coherent narrative of work. As Sennett (2006: 4) comments, “If institutions no longer provide a long-term frame, the individual may have to improvise his or her life-narrative, or even do without any sustained sense of self.” Despite working life being in constant flux, career ideals, ironically, seem to be slower to change (Kelly et al., 2014). Contemporary career ideals date back to industrialization when the masculinist, linear career model gained a foothold as a result of the prosperity many nations experienced after World War II (Greenhaus et al., 2010). Employees were expected to be devoted to their employer and could advance upwards in the organizational hierarchy through promotions. Employees working in the industries spent their days away from home, which meant that someone needed to stay and take care of the children and the household. Work places and career ideals were thus built around an ideal worker that was modelled off men who had no childcare or household responsibilities (Williams, 2000; Heppner, 2013). In fact, it has been argued that the masculinist career was not planned for one but for one and a half people: the man with a career and typically his wife who did everything else that the man no longer had time for (Beck and Beck-Gernsheim, 2002). Although times are very different today in many ways – both men and women work and increasingly also share care responsibilities – contemporary career ideal are still modeled off the linear career model. Jobs today continue to be designed for an ideal worker who can work long hours and has no career interruptions (Acker, 1990). However, families today in all three countries where I conducted interviews – Finland, the UK, and the US – more often than not rely on two incomes (see for example WaismelManor, 2016). As I mentioned in the Introduction, in Finland there has always been a tradition of women working (Jyrkinen and McKie, 2012). Still, both in Finland and elsewhere, successful corporate careers leave little room for much else and especially those who strive towards the upper echelons of corporate hierarchies are expected to be dedicated and devoted to the organization as they ascend the proverbial career ladder in a linear and timely fashion (Blair-Loy, 2003; Biese and McKie, 2015). Anything else is considered suspect and a sign that an employee might not have what it takes to work in a top position (Biese and Choroszewicz, 2018, 2019). However, this career model no longer necessarily corresponds to contemporary individuals’ wants and needs (Greenhaus et al., 2010; McKie et al., 2013; Biese and Choroszewicz, 2019; Biese, 2020). Instead of being linear, careers

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today are often multidirectional and boundaryless, driven by globalization and technological development, and reflect radical changes in organizational structures and employment relationships (Arthur and Rousseau, 1996, Schreuder and Coetzee, 2006). Companies no longer offer lifetime employment and employees are responsible for their own careers and develop them independently of career arrangements in the organizations in which they work. They thus transcend not only physical but also psychological boundaries and are sustained by external networks as well as individual perception and interpretation (see Fernandez and Enache, 2008). As careers have become boundaryless, employees have had to develop a protean orientation or mindset in order to navigate instable organizational contexts (Hall, 1976, 2002, 2004). To thrive, they need to be self-directed, internally driven, adaptable, and able to manage their own careers (Hall, 1976, 2002). Rather than a psychological contract with the organization, the protean career thus entails a contract with oneself. Individuals take responsibility for their own careers and development and for their marketability in the future (Baruch, 2004; Fernandez and Enache, 2008). The pursuit of meaningful work and discovering one’s calling are consequently central in a protean orientation (Hall, 2004; Hall and Chandler, 2005). Hall (1976: 4) defines career as “the individually-perceived sequence of attitudes and behaviors associated with work-related experiences and activities over the span of a person’s life.” This is a very subjective view of career and is echoed in the individualistic and entrepreneurial approach to work and career that has become a norm in organizations today. Cabrera (2009) finds that individuals who prefer this way of working and who are self-directed and take responsibility for managing their careers, may experience a high level of attachment and commitment to the organization. This potentially provides positive outcomes for the individual, but also the organization. In addition, for individuals who have a proactive disposition, a protean orientation can lead to internal career satisfaction (Seibert et al., 2001; Crant, 2000). Thus, although contemporary careers are characterized by increased mobility and uncertainty, which can have negative consequences for individual well-being, they are also characterized by greater individual agency (Arthur, 2008). Individual agency and taking responsibility for one’s own career development may enhance an individual’s life satisfaction and wellbeing if the desired outcomes are achieved (King, 2004). It is important, however, to remember that the insecurity of protean career models or ideals can also entail a lot of stress and do not necessarily suit everyone. The frayed career is another concept that has been used to describe contemporary careers similar to the protean career model, and it also challenges normative, linear trajectories, implying a “rhythmic view of career across the life course, which encompasses a range of non-typical career patterns including multiple career identities and ca-

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reer change” (Herman, 2015: 326). However, the word frayed has a clear negative ring to it, conjuring an image of something old that is worn at the edges. The gig economy is an example where an entrepreneurial approach to work and career can be problematic. I will discuss the gig economy in more detail later in this chapter. The protean model is interesting to look at out of an opting out perspective, as a protean orientation allows individuals to reshape their careers, depending on their life circumstances and personal values (Cabrera, 2009). It has been seen as a means for organizations to retain especially female talent, as women, more than men, struggle to combine work with care responsibilities and protean careers allow for an integration between work and non-work, at least to a degree (Cabrera, 2009; McKie and Callan, 2012). However, while women continue to be mainly responsible for care in society, it is not only women who aspire to be able to combine work with other areas of life, whether or not it is a question of juggling care responsibilities with work or of something else. There is, for example, a site – glassdoor.com – that is very popular, especially among young people entering the workforce, that ranks work places according to how employee friendly they are. Subjective measures of success as well as personal value congruence have also been found to be important (Sargent and Domberger 2007). In my research on opting out, I have seen that subjective measures of success outweigh objective measures in the lifestyles and solutions for work individuals opt in to. A feeling of authenticity has been central in the narratives I have collected. It is what many of my interviewees have achieved after opting out and in as a direct result of having more control, which, in turn, has a positive impact on well-being (see Biese and McKie, 2015). Authenticity is also one of the central factors in the Kaleidoscopic Career Model, or the ABC model, developed by Mainiero and Sullivan (2006) as an alternative to the linear career model. This model is argued to better describe the multidimensional and cyclical nature of especially women’s lives and careers, as well as the way women’s careers develop over the life-course, than a linear career model does. However, Mainiero and Sullivan also argue that the Kaleidoscopic career model better describes contemporary lifestyles in general, both men’s and women’s. The model contains three parameters that are always present and interacting, but that have different levels of importance depending on what is going on in a person’s life and career at any specific time. The parameters are challenge, balance, and authenticity, which according to the authors are typically central in a woman’s 20’s (challenge), 30’s (balance) and 40’s and 50’s (authenticity), although this could also be true for men. A person in their 20’s might not have a family yet and has the time and interest to focus on his or her career. The 30’s typically entail starting a family and balance thus be-

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comes more important – balancing work with family but also other areas of life. Finally, as the children grow and individuals become more experienced and established in their professional role, authenticity becomes more central. However, a kaleidoscopic combination of these parameters is always present and calls for a career model that is dynamic and adjustable depending on personal needs, values, and life choices at any time in a person’s life. Mainiero and Sullivan (2006) argue that a person’s career should not dictate his or her life, which seems to have been the case for many of those I have interviewed. The authors argue that a career should be planned and shaped to fit all the different stages of life; that the nonlinear career of twists and turns is what modern careers are all about. Interestingly, they also propose that women who have juggled work and other areas of life more than men, may actually be better prepared for modern careers (Mainiero and Sullivan, 2006; Sullivan and Mainiero, 2008). Nevertheless, although the Kaleidoscopic career model is argued to be non-linear due to all the parameters always being present to different degrees at any given time, it still seems to me to be quite linear as individuals are expected to go through the stages from challenge to balance to authenticity. Research has shown that individuals do not develop in a linear fashion, especially today, nor does a linear model take into account individual difference regarding a person’s situation and context (Fischer and Silvern, 1985). Both my research on opting out and Cabrera’s (2009) study suggest that all three parameters can be equally important at any given time. A few years ago, I was involved in developing a broader analytical framework to examine how individuals move through their lives and careers. My colleagues and I used the metaphor of a landscape to illustrate the three-dimensional nature of a career. We called it the ‘Careerscape’ (McKie et al., 2013). While one can think of a landscape as static, how we perceive the landscape around us and where we choose to go varies depending on weather conditions, changes in the landscape – natural or man-made – as well as what is going on in our lives at any particular time. We draw on past experiences and speculations of the future, and the seasons provide a cyclical rhythm, much like the rhythmical and cyclical nature of our lives, as we traverse time and space (McKie et al., 2013). Our lives and career trajectories are not linear processes, but multi-faceted and open to changes as we go along. We can move forwards, backwards, or sideways. Sometimes we might need to pause and take a rest. Other times we will scale a mountain or walk down into a valley. The sun may shine or it may be cloudy, windy, or rainy. There may be blizzards and storms, and this metaphor illustrates how, although we may have every intention of moving forward along our Careerscape in a timely fashion, external events may prevent us or slow us down. That does not mean we lack the ambition or that we do not

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have what it takes to have a successful career or a top position. It just means that other things may be going on in our lives at that particular time. This is something I have seen again and again as I have collected narratives for my research on opting out. As I discussed in Chapter One, one of the myths of opting out is that those who do decide to leave their careers are not ambitious or do not have what it takes. This is not necessarily true. In fact, all the individuals I have interviewed have been ambitious and good at their jobs. They also experienced something that made them think about what was important to them and made them realize that working the way they had was not sustainable anymore because it meant giving up other parts of them or their lives. They did not feel that the career models they opted out of provided room for other life events or allowed them to temporarily focus on something else that had to be prioritized over work at the time. Still, despite all this, and despite the abundance of alternative career models and knowledge of what contemporary careers really look like, there continues to be an expectation of complete dedication and constant availability, of face-time, of working long hours, and of advancing up the proverbial career ladder in a timely fashion (see Biese and Choroszewicz, 2018). Much of this research on alternative career models has been done to study specifically women’s career trajectories. This is no coincidence; as I mentioned earlier, the masculinist career model was created by men for men and is based on masculine norms. Careers and career models are infused with gender (see Biese and Choroszewicz, 2019), and these alternative models seek to provide alternatives that better describe and accommodate women’s realities, responsibilities, and needs. However, despite being created for men, the masculinist career model does not leave much room for diversity among men either. All the narratives in this book give examples of how the mainstream, masculinist career ideal and the corporate cultures did not work for the men anymore. They wanted to do something else; work differently in accordance with their values and in a way that worked for them. They did not necessarily opt out of having a career altogether, but rather opted out of a mainstream or masculinist way of understanding career. They generally all wanted to continue doing meaningful work (unpaid work in the case of the stay-at-home fathers I interviewed, see Chapters Four and Five) and they wanted to do it well. There is a term – patchwork career – that could perhaps better describe what it is that people who opt out are doing. Patchwork careers describe situations where individuals take up different kinds of work woven together with different lifestyles and goals for self-fulfillment (see Blossfeld et al., 2006; Halrynjo, 2009). However, patchwork careers consist of different jobs, often short-term and part-time, both simultaneous and serial, and this does not describe what the people in my opting out research have done. The patchwork career does

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not represent a holistic view of life and career, which I argue is exactly what those in my study want and attempt to do. They do not jump from one job to another. They adopt different lifestyles and forms of work that allow them to have a holistic approach to their lives and work. They leave one career model to work on their own terms. Depending what is going on in their lives, those terms may change and they may eventually opt on to the next thing or even go back to what they had done before. Nevertheless, one thing they seem to always carry with them is a holistic approach where they consider what their priorities are and how they can combine that with meaningful work. Their actions are the result of much consideration and soul searching and of the realization that there is more to life than just work. In addition to meaningful work, they want to have a meaningful life. Next, I will introduce you to Matti from Finland. Matti opted out of a career in consulting to pursue a dream of living off his passion for photography.

Matti: Breaking free from expectations Matti was 34 years old at the time of the interview, which was younger than most of my other interviewees. A few years earlier, he had opted out of a career in consulting to focus on his photography. He no longer wanted to work in a corporate environment, but rather wanted to pursue a different lifestyle and realize a dream he had had since he was a little boy. When I met him, he had recently started working in the corporate world again, although this time not as a consultant. Making ends meet as a photographer was difficult and he simply needed work to be able to support himself. It was quite clear from the start that he had a well-versed story that he told people about his opting out and in journey. This is not unusual. Most, if not all, the individuals I have interviewed have created stories both for themselves but also for others to make sense of their choices and experiences. Creating stories for ourselves is part and parcel of creating a coherent life narrative, which we need to do for our well-being (see for example Linde, 1993). When we do it for others, it is mostly to stave off the questions that follow what might seem like a surprising decision or life choice (Linde, 1993). On the surface, Matti’s opting out process seemed very straight forward. He had worked long hours as a consultant and had already decided while he was at university, that he would try to pursue his photography professionally at some point. After a couple of years of working around the clock, he decided the time was right to finally pursue his dream. Instead of quitting his job, he took a leave of absence knowing that it would be hard to live off his photography.

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He explained that he had already considered that he might come back to working in the business world if he did not manage to get his photography business off the ground. It all sounded sensible and well planned. However, as the interview progressed and he started talking in more detail about what exactly happened, it was clear that both the situation and his reasons for leaving were more complex than just pursuing his dream. Matti got into consulting early. He had a part-time job at a consulting firm while he was at university, and was recruited for a full-time job before he graduated. He worked on his thesis on weekends and managed to get his degree after about three months. The pace was high and he worked 16-hour days, leaving little energy for anything else. He had hoped that he would be able to pursue his passion – photography – when his weekends got freed up again after finishing his thesis, but there was no time nor energy left for anything other than work. Still, working was fun at first. It was prestigious and he learned a lot. He explains, In the beginning it was actually a lot of fun… When things go well for the company and you have a lot of projects it is mostly also fun even though you… work long days […] You are sort of like a rock star… It is really quite crazy and especially considering you don’t really get compensated for the work you do in the evenings, it feels so crazy but then again, I have learned incredibly much and it is a school I could recommend to anyone… who graduates from business school and doesn’t know exactly what they want to do. So two years in consulting and you at least know what you don’t want to do [laugh].

At first, he did not really stop to question the pace or the methods of working. It was not until later he realized how extreme the working hours really were: What we did at [the company] was completely crazy. We get better work done now [at the company I started working for after opting out] than we did there [where we worked very long hours]… I think the culture is the same in all consultancy companies. You look up to people who work a lot, look up to those who work the most hours and you work all night so that you are the king of the office and it’s like wow… I have, for example, worked 28 hours in one go and it’s like wow that’s so cool and then afterwards you’re like ‘I’m an idiot.’

As he talks, he repeatedly uses the word ‘crazy’ to describe the pace and working culture and it gives me a feeling that there may be more to his reasons for leaving than simply a desire to pursue his dream. As I described in Chapter One, it was not unusual for my male interviewees to not share information spontaneously about a crisis or a difficult situation that may have pushed them to leave. In addition, I knew from experience that few people make life-altering decisions on just a whim, especially ones that are financially very insecure. Leaving a job

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for the unknown is a very big step, one that most do not do without some sort of incident or experience that works as a catalyst for change (see Biese, 2017). About half an hour into the interview, I finally ask if there was anything in particular that happened that made him decide to take the leave of absence and pursue his hobby. Without any hesitation whatsoever he said yes, there had indeed been an incident at work that had made him question whether or not he wanted to work for his employer anymore. Although this incident was not part of the narrative he clearly had built around his experiences, his quick response suggested that it was still top of mind for him. He had been working in a team on a project for an important client. The project was going well and the client was happy with their work. At one point a mistake was discovered, a miscalculation in an analysis. Although getting the numbers right was important, Matti insists that it actually did not change anything and that the client was still happy with their work. However, internally, this mistake was the cause of a crisis or a “panic” as Matti puts it. Several meetings were held where it was feared that the whole business was at stake. Matti contends that his colleagues and his boss overreacted as the client was never unhappy with their work. In the end, Matti was the one who got the blame for the mistake despite not having been involved in making it. He does not speculate as to why he was blamed, but he felt unfairly treated and wrongly accused. He explains, Consultants have exactly as much credibility as their numbers. If they are right everything is okay but if they are wrong there is a huge panic, so there was actually an incident, which didn’t actually have anything to do with me, but I got the crap for it.

I notice that this must be difficult for him to talk about. He is hesitant and his words do not flow like they did when he was telling me his practiced or prepared narrative. He is also quite vague about the details of what exactly happened. What is clear, however, is how upset he still is by this incident. It had happened just before he was due to take his annual leave. He felt quite disillusioned; he was frustrated and angry because it had not been his fault, and he was exhausted both physically and mentally. He spent his leave resting and catching up on sleep. With the time and space to reflect over the situation and over his life, he started to realize that he just did not want to go back. It was then he decided to apply for a leave of absence. Although he had, at the beginning of the interview, explained that he just wanted to do it to make time for his photography, at this point in the interview, photography started sounding more like a lifeline and a ticket to something else. He comments,

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I knew, that even though it was just [going to be] a leave of absence, I wasn’t going to go back, that’s for sure […] I was like… never again.

When he got back to work after his vacation, Matti applied for a year’s leave of absence. Having been a high earner, he had savings but he also sold his apartment in order to be able to get his photography business on its feet. He moved in with his girlfriend and although he had somewhere to live and a plan B consisting of an agreement to go back to work in a year’s time, it still felt “really scary”. This is one of the reasons most people do not opt out despite dreaming about it (see Chapter One). Jumping into the unknown is scary and is not something that individuals generally do unless the alternative – to stay – is even worse. Many of Matti’s friends told him how brave he was, which he explains irritated him a bit because he certainly did not feel brave. He was just doing what he had to do. In fact, this is something that many of my interviewees have experienced: people telling them how brave they are to make the changes that so many seem to just dream of doing. However, they do not see themselves as brave as most of them have not felt that staying was an alternative. For his parents, Matti’s decision to leave a secure job to pursue his hobby was harder to accept. He talks about how his father called him a few times after he left the consulting firm and that he knew that his mother had put him up to it. He feels the pressure of living up to expectations and talks about how he is sure that a lot people think he burned out or had a breakdown or something, and that photography was just a cover. He adds that especially his colleagues were probably skeptical. It becomes clear that Matti still struggles to consolidate the social expectation of having a career and pursuing it in a certain way with his own wants and needs. He contradicts himself as he first talks about how it has been important for him that others understand that it was not a question of burn out, but then adds that he does not really care what people think. Then he contradicts himself again and says that hopefully one day people who doubt him will understand. It is contradictions like these that provide a glimpse of the unsaid. In this case it suggests that he really does care: [I]n a way I still wanted everyone to know that this is what I want to do and still have that feeling… I don’t care very much what other people think… but I hope at some point that they will understand.

Matti talks about his experiences like they are no big deal, while also repeatedly using words like breakdown, burnout, exhaustion, and anger. He also laughs a lot when he talks, which gives me the feeling that he is still struggling to come to terms with his experiences.

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When Matti’s year was up, he handed in his letter of resignation. He never had the intention of going back and he wanted to break all ties with the firm. However, about half a year later, he started running out of money and realized he was not going to be able to support himself as a photographer. Just as he was coming to terms with the fact that he was going to have to find another job, his former boss – who had also left the consulting firm – called him and offered him a job, which he accepted right away. The job was a managerial position in an industrial company, and the hours were much more humane and the corporate culture quite different. He comments, [To start working for the company] actually felt a lot better than I thought it would. It is a really good compromise because I work so little [compared to when I worked as a consultant] that I have time to pursue my photography in my free time. I’m not tired and I have time to exercise, I have time for everything, it is like perfect work-life balance now […] I’ve noticed that I am a more stable person [now], I am more focused, I am more energetic, I am more… everything when I can, how do I put this, [develop] my creative self.

Matti left his job in consulting disillusioned over having been wrongly treated and blamed for something he did not do. However, he was also exhausted. The hours that he was expected to work at the consultancy firm were “crazy” and working did not leave room for anything else in his life, including exercise or even adequate sleep. He did not manage to make his photography business profitable, and although he comments that he would much rather continue pursuing his photography if he could, his new job in the industrial company provides him with a better and more balanced life. In the next section, I will look at the concept of work-life balance, a term that one hears a lot in discussions about work and well-being. It is a popular term and people – my interviewees included – often talk about how work-life balance is important to them, but still it seems to be something that is difficult to achieve.

Work-life balance Boundaries between work and other areas of life have become increasingly blurred due to the technological developments that enable this (Choroszewicz, 2014). We live in what Castells (1996) calls a regime of ‘timeless time’ where technology has compacted time to such a degree that new forms of time and space have been created. Work-life balance is something that seems to be on people’s lips everywhere as they struggle to deal with their hectic lives. Work-life balance as a concept originally emerged as a rejection of the masculinist notion of an ideal worker (James, 2014). However, it did not become the discussion and rede-

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fining of prevalent working cultures and ideals that it was planned to be. The focus has rather been mainly on developing solutions especially for women to combine a career with family, and, as a result, work-life balance is generally considered a women’s issue (Smithson and Stokoe, 2005). This does not mean that men do not also struggle to combine work with other areas of life. In 2009, Halrynjo did a study on men’s work-life reconciliation where she analyzed the interviews of 102 men from six EU countries: Spain, Israel, Germany, Austria, Bulgaria, and Norway. She found that the men could be divided into four types or positions: (1) the career position, (2) the care position, (3) the care and career position, and finally (4) the patchwork career position. Men in the career position were what has been described as the ideal (Acker, 1990) or universal (Ellingsaeter, 1995) worker. This means that they could concentrate on their work without being encumbered by care responsibilities. These men were more likely than others to be in leading positions and often worked in technical or financial organizations, not unlike many of the men I have interviewed for my study. These men worked long hours and were dedicated to their careers, however, interestingly they were typically also dissatisfied with their working hours and the fact that they did not have much time for leisure or a social life. They often expressed a desire to work less but felt it was impossible for someone in their position (Halrynjo, 2009). Men in the care position, often combined working with substantial domestic work and care responsibilities. Their work was often part-time and they were also often on fixed-term contracts. Although they were generally satisfied with the amount of time they could spend on work and leisure activities, they expected poor career opportunities and were generally concerned about their job security (Halrynjo, 2009). This is something that we will see in Chapter Four where we will meet three men who have been stay-at-home fathers. They have taken on the role of the main caregiver in their families and the concern over job security is echoed in their narratives as well. The care and career position perhaps best describes the reality a lot of women who juggle work and care experience and who are often the subject of work-life or work-family reconciliation studies. The men in this position often have a full-time job and at the same time take an active role in the care of their families. At least that is what they try to do. The men generally have a permanent work contract and therefore also work security, which they consider important. However, their active role as carers entail demanding time pressures, which has been found to be both stressful and overwhelming for both men and women in this position. Their attempt to do it all, to meet all work and family obligations, leaves little time for themselves. These men are typically quite dissatisfied with their lack of leisure (Halrynjo, 2009). Here, Halrynjo (2009) com-

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ments how possibilities to take parental leave is of utmost importance and that differences in national legislation can be the cause of differences between men in different countries. Although simply having legislation in place is not necessarily enough. As I will explore in greater detail in Chapter Five, organizational cultures play a decisive role as they may override national differences (Tomlinson et al., 2018). Organizations have reportedly not necessarily been supportive of, for example, paternity and parental leave among men and therefore many men, despite having a legislative right, do not feel that they can take time off to care for their children (see Choroszewicz and Tremblay, 2018). The final position is the patchwork career position; those who are minimally employed. They are often freelancers who patch together different types of jobs with different forms of self-fulfilling work. The men in the patchwork position have a lot of time for hobbies and other activities, however they also have low incomes and job security, nor do they generally have care responsibilities (Halrynjo, 2009). In Halrynjo’s (2009) sample, these men were mostly young men, students living either on their own or with their parents, which suggests that patchwork careers are not necessarily as widespread as has been argued, which we will also see in my discussion on the gig economy below. The men in my study were almost all in the career position before opting out. After opting out, most of them have made changes and moved into other positions, mainly the care and career position, where they combine work with care to different degrees. The stay-at-home-fathers who I interviewed moved to the care position while they were at home, but those who then started working again also found themselves in the care and career position. As was discussed in Chapter One, one of the things that felt important to most of the men was a possibility to nurture relationships and be there for those close to them. None of the men I interviewed could be considered being in the patchwork career position, not even Matti while he was working to get his photography off the ground. They all felt a need and pressure to make a living and to be able to support their (current or future) families. Interestingly, this was also true for the stayat-home fathers (more about this in Chapters Four and Five). The discussion around work-life balance is problematic in that it can lead to the false assumption that the main issue and constraint to women’s careers is childcare, questions of gender ideologies, or discrimination (Arber and Gilbert, 1992). Indeed, childcare was not the main reason the women I researched previously had opted out, although for those who had children it played in. It was rather the structural issues in the business world or the corporate cultures that did not leave room for much else that finally made them realize that they had other priorities that they did not or could not ignore (Biese, 2017). The same goes for the men in my research. Many of them talk about work-life balance

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although none of them had the main responsibility for the care of children before opting out. Some of them, like Matti, were not even fathers. Self-employment is often considered a good solution for those who struggle to find work-life balance and seek flexibility to combine a career with a family (Sevä and Öun, 2015). However, research has shown that many of those who opt out to become entrepreneurs actually experience less work-life balance than they did while they were employed by larger organizations (see Galabova and McKie, 2013). The exception to this is self-employed women who do not employ other people. They have been found to experience a high level of autonomy compared to other groups (Sevä and Öun, 2015). When not having to take others into account, they are freer regarding when, where, and how they work, and thus have more power and control over how they organize their lives and their time. Other studies find that self-employed individuals – both men and women – tend to be more engaged and experience more job satisfaction than employed professionals, arguing that there are a number of other factors beyond autonomy that add to an individual’s well-being (Warr and Inceoglu, 2018). Literature on self-employment has emphasized autonomy, flexibility, and work-life balance as positive side-effects of self-employment and has seen self-employment as a positive development of an entrepreneurial economy. However, most forms of self-employment are, in fact, a result of labor market insecurity and precariousness, so-called non-entrepreneurial self-employment (Glavin et al., 2019). Rather than being a lifestyle choice to meet personal needs, it is often a decision based on unmanageable conditions (Glavin et al., 2019). This is different from entrepreneurial self-employment, which tends to be based on a self-selection process chosen by highly autonomous, educated wageworkers (Glavin et al., 2019). Nevertheless, many of the individuals I have interviewed experienced a pull of a lifestyle where they can have real flexibility (see also Cabrera, 2009), not only the relative kind found in, for example, flexible time systems. Flexible hours, or flexitime, where employees can come to work earlier or later, and correspondingly leave earlier or later, is a solution that was originally developed by organizations to alleviate especially women’s situations as they struggled to juggle work with care and household responsibilities and help them manage their work-life balance (Rafnsdottir and Heijstra, 2013). However, ironically, flexible time has been found to not necessarily lead to more flexibility at all. Especially female employees use flexible time to be on call for the family while still working and, as a result, time intensifies to the point that they do not feel that they have more flexibility at all (Rafnsdottir and Heijstra, 2013). The gig economy and digital platforms are flexible solutions that have been argued to transform employment and working conditions, allowing employees to find work in markets they would not normally have access to and to patch to-

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gether a livelihood in an ever more competitive labor market (see Muntaner, 2018). However, characterized by short-term, one-off contracts, this is far from a win-win solution. While governments, policy makers, and organizations turn to the gig economy and digital labor as a viable economic development strategy, it actually exacerbates inequalities among workers, in addition to providing little job security (Graham et al., 2017). In fact, it amplifies power imbalances between organizations and workers, and the exploitation of these (Graham et al., 2017). In addition, according to Muntaner (2018), the precarious employment conditions that most digital economy workers are exposed to are damaging to their health. Muntaner further contends that this is characteristic of the working class today in high-income countries. The adverse effects of the precarious nature of this type of employment includes anxiety and social stress, which has a negative impact on families and the ability to form meaningful relationships (Lewchuk, 2017). A study by Heyes and Hastings (2017) finds that the gig economy is correlated with what they term ‘bogus self-employment’. It involves workers being declared self-employed in order to reduce tax liabilities and responsibility on the employer’s part. They write about so-called ‘disguised employment relationships’ where, instead of having a steady income paid by the employer, workers rely on clients for their income (Heyes and Hastings, 2017). However, despite all the media attention the gig economy has got recently, it is not as widespread as many think. In the UK, for example, it is estimated that approximately 4 % of employed individuals participated in digital platform work in 2016 (Eurofund, 2017). The majority of workers work as employees of organizations, and in economies like the US, the UK and other European countries, this number is between 70 and 75 % (OECD, 2016; Tomlinson et al., 2018). The next narrative is the story of Craig. For him, work-life balance was of utmost importance. Although he continued working for a large organization when he opted out, he made career choices to make sure that he could combine work with family and time with his children. He is, in other words, in Halrynjo’s (2009) care and career position. For him, climbing the proverbial ladder did not mean having a good life.

Craig’s story: “A good kind of work-life balance” The men and women I have interviewed for my research have almost all left the organization they were working for when they opted out to pursue different lifestyles or solutions for work. However, when I did my research on women opting out, I interviewed one woman who opted out but also stayed with the company for which she worked (see Biese, 2017). She stepped off the proverbial career lad-

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der and started working part-time, which no one in her position had ever done before at that particular company. It was unheard of and arguably a career-limiting move, which she was highly aware of. She simply stopped caring about promotions and titles. While her opting out journey did not entail a new employer, it did entail a new mindset and a very different approach to work. She opted out without actually leaving (see Biese, 2017). When I was put in touch with Craig, I was very intrigued because here again was a person who had supposedly opted out while continuing to work for the same organization. It was a large governmental organization and all I had been told was that he had decided to forgo the career track and not apply for the promotions that were expected of him, and that he simply wanted to work on his own terms. The organization was large, or at least so it seemed to me when I first arrived at the building. This was my first interview in the US and I was jetlagged and anxious about getting good interview data. I had to go through security to get into the building; my bag was X-rayed and I walked through a metal detector, which was a very different experience for someone coming from Finland. Craig came to meet me in the lobby and we walked together through a maze of corridors to his office. It was not very big, it contained some bookshelves and cabinets, a desk, a visitor’s chair, and no window. We did not have very much time – he was only able to reserve an hour and because of a mix up upon my arrival, we had already lost about 10 minutes of our time, which concerned me a little. In my experience, conducting an interview in a person’s place of work can have a dampening effect on his or her narrative. The risk of being seen or heard by colleagues or one’s superiors may make the interviewee more reserved and hinder him or her from speaking openly and frankly, which to me seemed to be the case with Craig. He seemed very relaxed and open, but he kept his narrative on a very general and impersonal level. One sign of this was that he needed a lot of prompting. Perhaps he was also expecting more of a question-answer type of interview than my narrative approach was (see Introduction). His responses were relatively brief and we never seemed to get beyond the rehearsed narrative that many of my interviewees had created about their reasons for opting out. I was thus preoccupied with three things: wanting my US interviews to be a success, being short of time, and Craig not seeming to want to get too personal. It is especially at times like this that recording the interview is crucial. When your mind is racing, you do not always pick up on subtle signals nor do you necessarily have the presence of mind to really hear what is being said, which can be hard enough to do anyway in an interviewing situation. Thankfully, the recording

Craig’s story: “A good kind of work-life balance”

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allows you to do so afterwards. In hindsight, what I was worried was not going to be a successful interview turned out to be quite informative after all. When I met Craig, he had worked for the organization for 17 years. It became clear to him early on that the expected career path was to apply for promotions and rise up in the hierarchy at regular intervals. Promotions entailed higher status, more responsibility, more administrative work, and more pay. He started out climbing the career ladder, but after a few years realized he did not necessarily want the higher status, the greater responsibility, and the bigger pay check. He did not want to climb the career ladder just for the sake of it. Higher positions also entailed longer days, expectations of more face time, and less possibility of controlling your own time. He explains, It was important for me to have a job where I kind of felt comfortable to do that, where I could also leave when I wanted to leave and do these other things I was interested in […] I want a good kind of work-life balance. I want to be able to do my job, I don’t want to have to take work home […] To me it isn’t worth it to kind of have a little bit too much more responsibility and maybe not be able to get out when I want to get out so I’ve kind of stayed where I am and I am pretty happy with where that is.

Craig has a large family. He is the father of four and has a child with special needs. His wife also works, although she works part-time, and Craig is very involved in the family’s day-to-day activities. In order to be able to both work and have shared responsibility for the family, Craig telecommutes and works from home two days a week. He has only been doing it for the last couple of years but loves it and feels that it adds to his quality of life, since the hours normally spent commuting can be spent getting a bit more sleep and being available for his family: I love telework. I’ve only done this the last couple of years. I love not having to have an hour commute anywhere, sometimes longer. If there’s bad traffic I might waste two and half hours in the car getting to and from work so the fact that we can work twice a week at home I think is a great, much better work-life balance. So, I’m not fighting the traffic, I’m not as tired, I can sleep in a little bit more.

On the days that he works at home, Craig makes dinner for the family. He is also often the one to pick the kids up from school. He does chores around the house although his wife is the one responsible for the household and will often email him in the morning telling him what he needs to do in the household on that particular day. He, on the other hand, is the one responsible for the family budget and finances. Craig is also involved in his children’s sports teams, one of which he coaches. He talks at length about it and it is clear what an important part of

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his identity this is and that he values it higher than climbing the career ladder. Having more responsibility at work would not allow him to spend that much time being involved in team sports. He explains, I feel like having a good work-life balance is important to me. I want to have a job that’s rewarding, that’s fulfilling, but I don’t want to spend… too much time working in my life. I want to be part of my kids’ lives, you know, my wife’s life. I want to have a great life outside [of work] where I do things that I enjoy… I want to be able to feel like I can leave here and I want to spend time doing other things in my life besides work […] You kind of realize that the sand is going through the hourglass […] you realize you don’t live forever and you have a limited window for doing certain things in your life so I kind of felt I got this window… I just want to be part of it as much as I can. I don’t want to say I regret it […] I want to [be able to] say I was involved in [my kids’] life as much as I could be and as much as I was able.

Craig typically works a 40-hour week, which he feels is just right at this point in his life. He appreciates the flexibility he has and comments, I really do overall like the work-life balance here […] My drive is not to get as high up… as I can, my drive is to have a good balance of work and things outside of work as well so that’s kind of how I view it right now.

However, like most individuals who I have interviewed about opting out and in, he realizes that this is good for now. He realizes that his children are not always going to need him as much as they do now. He adds that once they start going off to college, he might start applying for promotions again as long as it does not prevent him from doing other things that are important to him. However, Craig also acknowledges that it may be harder for him to get a promotion should he decide to apply for one since he has not shown any interest in getting promoted for some time: I would say though the fact that I didn’t apply early I think makes it kind of harder later because they kind of see maybe you just weren’t as interested… maybe you’re not… as much of a go getter as someone else. [snaps fingers] The moment they’re eligible they kind of apply so I think… that may hurt me a little bit when I do start to apply.

This is a problematic issue. The linear career ideal expects individuals to make their way to the top echelons of an organization in a timely fashion. As I mentioned earlier, deviating from this is often considered suspect and the individual’s commitment is questioned as well as whether or not he or she has what it takes. It does not consider that individuals may indeed have other commitments outside of work that are completely separate from work but that crave their attention at a given time in their lives. This does not define them and it does

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not mean that they are not ambitious and committed. Especially women are often defined by their ability to commit to work (see Biese, 2017). Situations change, needs change, opportunities change, and with that a person’s will and ability to focus on different things change. However, they may never get the chance to prove it simply because labels are hard to shake, especially if you have been labeled as not ambitious or committed enough. Craig realizes this and knows that getting promoted may no longer be easy; it might not even be possible since he has invariably, but unintentionally, signaled that he does not have what it takes. Still, it does not seem to worry him very much. There are many different parts of his life that are as important to him as work, if not more, and if he does not get any more promotions, he sounds as if he will have several other things to focus on. He comments, I’ve never had the goal of becoming a director, I just had a goal of enjoying the work I do, feeling like the jobs you work on are the best they can be.

Objective and subjective definitions of success The linear career ideal measures success in things like promotions, titles, raises, company cars, and corner offices. These are all so-called objective measures of success (Ng et al., 2005) and things that the men in my study had achieved a lot of in their previous careers before they opted out. However, research distinguishes between objective and subjective career success indicators, which are based on career satisfaction (Ng et al., 2005). Most of the men in my study took substantial pay cuts as they opted out. Some took jobs where they got paid less, some stopped working altogether, and some, as in the case of Craig, did not take a pay cut, but forwent the opportunity for raises that he would have got had he continued to apply for promotions. According to objective measures, they would not be considered very successful in their careers. Nevertheless, many of them could be considered subjectively successful as they adopted lifestyles and forms of work that provided them with satisfaction and meaning and allowed them to pursue other interests and to be there for their families or other loved ones in a way that was important to them but their previous lifestyles had not allowed. What exactly constitutes success from a subjective perspective is highly personal and varies between individuals (Hall, 1996). Comparably, happiness is also a highly subjective experience – what makes one person happy will not necessarily be of any importance to another person – and does not necessarily correlate with objective measures of quality of life (Shockley et al., 2016; Veenhoven, 1991; Lane, 2000).

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As I mentioned earlier, the world we live in is fast-changing; the speed and magnitude of innovation and what technology can do is, at times, mind-boggling. Still, not as much has happened in how we manage careers and measure success. Shockley et al. (2016) argue that employers need to change the way they view success due to the changing nature of work and that career success today extends beyond traditional and objective factors. Today, career success is a multidimensional construct and needs to include things like learning and development, work-life balance, and purpose and meaning (Shockley et al., 2016; Wille et al., 2013). When especially purpose and meaning are present, it has a great positive impact on career attitudes and well-being (Shockley et al., 2016). Also, Petriglieri et al. (2017) argue that contemporary careers require more personal definitions of success as they are characterized by discontinuities. They feature looser attachments to organizations and therefore require periods of questioning and reorientation (see Petriglieri et al., 2017). In my previous research, I found that one of the main definitions of success of the women who opt out is a sense of control (Biese and Choroszewicz, 2018, 2019). This includes being able to control where they work, when they work, and how they work as well as where, when, and how they do other things. It was what they lacked before opting out and what they subsequently gained in their new lifestyles and solutions for work. This is supported by LaPointe (2013) who argues that contemporary careers call for greater individual agency. The next narrative is John’s. John is from the UK and he gave up a prestigious position and job title to be able to work on his own terms. He talks about meaning, sustainability, and control, things that are important to him but that he felt he lacked before opting out.

John and the relief of going back to what he loves When I set up my interview with John, he was concerned that he did not fit the bill as someone who had opted out and he did not want to waste my time. I encountered this quite a lot as I was interviewing. Many of my interviewees had an idea of what they thought opting out was – a drastic change like quitting the workforce altogether or leaving to do something dramatically different – and they did not feel their lifestyle change was big enough to be interesting to me. However, I was not worried. I had already learned from previous interviews, like the one I had with Craig, that what seems uneventful on the surface, can still reveal a lot of interesting and informative material at the stage of analysis. Besides, every interview I conducted was helpful in building my understanding of men, masculinities, and work, which is an important part of my research on

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men opting out. John’s concerns were unfounded, however. His narrative of opting out and in was rich in detail and provided an abundance of insights into corporate culture and issues pertaining to work and the search for meaning. Ever since John graduated from university with a degree in industrial design, he has been on a linear corporate career trajectory and has advanced in the timely fashion that is expected of someone making their way to the top. He started out as a designer, which was work that he loved. With each promotion or new job, he got a higher salary and more administrative and managerial responsibilities. When I met him for the interview he had just left a top position in a multinational industrial corporation and had started a new job at a different company, which would by many be considered a step backwards in his career. John is married with three teenaged kids. His wife works, but he has always been the main breadwinner and the family has been dependent on his salary. He has traveled a lot for work, but has also always been very present in his children’s lives when he has been at home, cooking and driving them to their hobbies, especially on the weekends. When he was not travelling, he would spend a lot of time working in the evenings in order to get everything done. This was a strain on the family as he could not be as involved as he wanted to during the week. He explains, You’ve got to be here all the time and you’ve got to be available all the time. Things are happening so quickly that if you don’t respond immediately, then… you’re in trouble so there was a lot of stuff you couldn’t [do]… in the evenings I would spend a lot of time working and doing stuff and I’d feel like I had to and that was kind of a bit stressful as well with all the other things that you want to do at home.

He describes himself as a people person and during the interview he seems very warm and friendly. He speaks openly and makes a lot of jokes. He explains that he loved working with clients and the people in his team, however, that he found dealing with intrigue and corporate politics very frustrating. Still, as long as he could also do design work and work with clients while climbing the so-called career ladder, he did not mind the managerial and administrative work too much. He comments, [It] was all working out nicely because it was a nice linear stream sort of thing… I was managing the shop but I was sort also doing the shop as well and it was kind of cool and I could reconcile myself with that… so all the negative things were balanced out, [things like] this constant fighting between people… whether that be within the group that I managed or whether that be [between] my group and other groups… the sort of constant feeling that you were the parent […] It was the people dynamics I guess. I enjoy working with people, I’m a kind of people sort of person, but there are some things that really frustrate me about people as well.

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In fact, later in the interview John comes back to this, and he sounds quite disillusioned. It is clear he finds some people’s reactions very childish and likens them to babies who have lost their toys: You’ve got people who get frustrated because it’s not going the way they want so the toys fall out of the pram… rather than actually looking at what they need to achieve, they worry about… each individual step of the process and cannot get the grasp of a bigger picture on certain things because it’s all sort of about personal ego and looking the best all the time.

Although this clearly is a great source of frustration for John, the work itself had also started to feel meaningless: I knew that what I was doing was not worthwhile. I knew that even if I was the right person for the job sort of thing, you know, the actual job itself was an administration job [and] it required lots of filling in of spreadsheets. It didn’t make any sense to anybody, really, and the more people I talked to [the clearer it became that] we’re just becoming administrators and filling in spreadsheets and things and those sorts of things just don’t make anybody [happy]… I don’t think they achieve anything… [It] doesn’t help drive business forwards so it doesn’t make any money by filling in the spreadsheets. It doesn’t get designs completed, it doesn’t help people feel good about themselves, it just doesn’t do anything […] I was looking to get back to being happy again, I guess, with doing something that I saw was worthwhile, that I thought would be worthwhile […] That was kind of on my mind. I had to get away… but I wanted to get away to something that would be sustainable.

This realization that he wanted to do something else was gradual, and once he had realized it, he did not know what his next step should be. He started longing to do something else, and for a while he played with the idea of doing something completely different, although what that could be was unclear. However, his family depended on his salary so he continued working. He was a successful corporate executive and could have got a similar job at another company, but he just did not want to be in that kind of a position anymore. He felt it would simply entail more of the same corporate politics and it felt meaningless. Moving to a lower position and doing more design work did not feel right either as he was worried about how that would look, so leaving the industry altogether and doing something completely different ironically felt like an easier option. At least it would have been easier to explain to others. Like for many of the other men in my study, how his choices looked to others and having a narrative to tell them was important to John: I was thinking doing something completely different would be a great way of actually just cutting off one path to start another path and at that point you don’t have any reference points so it’s almost like I don’t have to be anything because it’s not on the same stream, whereas if I continue [along] the same stream then how does that look to everybody else, what does

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that present me as? [It presents me] as somebody who has taken steps backwards rather than steps forwards. [If I started doing something completely different] people would go ‘wow you did that’ but you wouldn’t have to explain the fact that you were not continuing a career in your chosen field.

However, by chance, he was introduced to the CEO of another company and, while talking to him, John mentioned his desire to do more design work again. Coincidentally, there happened to be a design position open in this company and, having a good reputation in the business, John was offered the job. The position included developing designs with and for clients but no administrative responsibilities. It was a step backwards on the career ladder but it was exactly what John wanted to do, so he took the job. Although the choice seemed to be an easy one, he was still dealing with the stigma of demotion. He brings it up so many times during the interview that it becomes clear that how it looks to others is something he thinks about. At one point he says, … I reconciled that [with] myself so that I don’t really now worry about what anybody else thinks and I think that kind of was a very liberating moment, I think, you know.

Later he comes back to it again: I’ve reconciled it to myself to say that I don’t really care what other people think about my career choices if I can continue developing in a way that I want to develop so… this was quite lucky… [F]inding somebody who would give me the opportunity to do this was quite important because if you look from a standard and traditional point of view, who would hire me, because this was not that way [pointing upwards] this was, you know… back and a different track, so finding somebody to take the chance and hire me was actually quite important and if somebody would take that chance and… then you recognize the fact that it’s actually working out then there’s no reason why you shouldn’t be comfortable… I felt that, you know, I could do it and I was comfortable with it so it doesn’t really matter … I guess that’s what it comes down to, it doesn’t really matter, yeah, at the end of the day.

Part of analyzing narratives according to the free-associating narrative approach (see Introduction) is reading between the lines and picking up on silences or what is not said. Sometimes silences are filled with noise – with other words for example – and the way John explains that he used to be worried but no longer is suggests that what he is not saying is that he may just still be worried about it after all. Like others who opt out and in, he needed to be able to explain the change to others and had to create a narrative to do so. He even says so himself:

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There was a point when I actually had to think of a narrative for what I was doing because I had to try to tell people why it was that I was going from this very sort of what people would think was a position of power and… control to a position where there is no power and control but is actually more powerful and I feel more in control than actually previously… So it’s kind of personal control versus what would you call it I don’t know um this business control.

This is similar to what Craig said. By not being in a higher position, he had less formal power and control in the organization but had more control over his time and how he worked. Despite the difficulty to reconcile or explain his change to others, John has come through the opting out and in process happier, more relaxed, and with a lot more control over his life and his time: It’s good… and I’m a lot happier… I enjoy coming to work […] It is in one respect because I think it’s meaningful again… I have purpose… in work and I have the ability to be able to define where work starts and stops and home starts and stops […] It’s about getting the jobs done, not necessarily spending all the hours you can doing things, whereas I think the other role was more of a you’ve got to spend all the hours [at work], it doesn’t matter whether you have things to do, I need you here until 11 o’clock at night just doing this… [Now] I just get to control it myself.

Control is a central issue and part of opting out and in, however for many, meaningful work is equally important. Many of the men in my study felt disillusioned by the work they opted out of. They either felt the company treated people unethically or, as in the case of John, the actual work started to feel meaningless. The corporate culture felt overly political and employee behavior just seemed childish. The desire to do something important and worthwhile is something that has been echoed in many of the narratives – both the men’s and the women’s – that I have collected over the years. Many also spend a lot of time considering what they are and are not willing to give up for a career, and giving up their time for something that is not worthwhile just does not feel worth it to them. They no longer want to have a career just for the sake of a career, but really think about the type of work that they want to do. John comments, I guess I’m not the type of person who just wants to be in control [formal or “business” control], I want to make a difference [and] I want to do something meaningful […] [I had] this career ladder thing going on and on and on and it felt good for a while, [I was] thinking that look I’m getting really sort of promoted and this and that and the other but it wasn’t necessarily of my choice… I kind of did [it] because I probably couldn’t say no. I was always worried about if I said no what would people think and would that be the end of my career so to speak… [N]ow… I’m more of the ‘is it the right thing to do’. [It] defines whether you say yes or no… I have no ambitions here of being a manager of any sort. If it does [come up] again then I’d be thinking about it not because of what I want to do from a career point of view but what I want to do from a… personal development point of view.

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Disenchanted with corporate cultures and ideals The narratives in this chapter have illustrated how mainstream career models that continue to be the norm for individuals aiming at the top echelons of corporate hierarchies can differ from actual career patterns as well as from individuals’ wants and needs. We have explored alternative career models as well as individuals’ need for autonomy and control, and how this has a direct impact on well-being. Employees today are expected to be the drivers of their careers and although this suits some individuals, it does not suit everyone. The uncertainty employees experience as a result of constant restructuring and cost-cutting is one of the main causes of work-related stress and has a great negative impact on mental health. Matti describes the hours that he was expected to work as a consultant as “crazy”, however his narratives also illustrates how competitive and unforgiving corporate environments can be. There is no room for mistakes and when a mistake was uncovered, he was blamed for it despite not having had anything to do with it. Craig’s and John’s narratives show that subjective definitions of what it means to be successful do not necessarily correlate with objective measures of success at all. Both gave up prestigious jobs and titles (potential in the case of Craig and actual in the case of John) to be able to work with what they loved in a way that felt meaningful to them. Working according to mainstream, masculinist norms the way they had before opting out, left the men in my study with little time over for anything other than work. For many, the pressure became a lot to handle and almost all of them felt disenchanted with the corporate cultures and practices in the organizations that they opted out of. There were of course exceptions. Two of the men in the US opted out, not as a result of a crisis or an urgent need to leave their jobs, but as a result of a joint decision with their wives to take care of their children full-time as it was the best solution for their families. We will meet these men in later chapters. The disenchantment the men felt varied. For some it was about having difficulties coping with the pressure, like Kasper in Chapter One or Peter who we will meet in Chapter Three; feeling unfairly treated, like Matti; or lacking a sense of purpose and struggling to find meaning, like John. Some were concerned by the way others were treated, for example clients as in the case of Kasper who did not think it was ethical to promise more than they could deliver; the company’s own employees, like for Topi who we will meet in Chapter Three; or women in general, like for Rick in Chapter Five. The crisis they experienced pushed them to take the step and opt out, but the disenchantment they felt in

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the corporate world helped shape their decisions regarding what they opted in to instead. The men in my study opted out of objectively successful careers or mainstream ways of doing career to live and work on different terms. This included working in areas that felt meaningful in ways that felt ethical, being able to be there for love ones, and figuring out who they really are and what they really want. One of the patterns I have discerned in my data material of both men and women, is that they opt in to solutions and lifestyles where they have more time for loved ones and can help people in general. If this did not entail being there for family members or friends, they often took jobs that involved helping people. For example, Topi in Chapter Three became a nurse, Tom in Chapter One became a nutritionist, and Rick in Chapter Five became a teacher. Although my sample is too small to make any generalizations, for the individuals in my study it seems that a sense of humanity and compassion was something they lacked in the jobs they opted out of and was something they made sure was present in the lifestyles and solutions for work they opted in to instead. In the next two chapters, I will explore masculinities and what it means to be a man in contemporary society, how men are affected by masculine culture and norms, and how this, in turn, has an impact on their identities and relationships with others.

Chapter 3 Men and masculinities in society and at work Manhood is neither static nor timeless; it is historical. Manhood is not the manifestation of an inner essence, it is socially constructed. Manhood does not bubble up to consciousness from our biological makeup; it is created in culture. Manhood means different things at different times to different people. Michael Kimmel (2005: 25)

What does it mean to be a man? I think we must all have heard about ‘real men’, about what ‘real men’ do and do not do, or what ‘real men’ are or are not. As you know by now, when I started studying opting out, I was convinced that it was not ‘just’ a women’s issue, but one that also concerned men, and I knew that I wanted to study men as a part of my research on opting out. However, when I started telling people about my plans to include men, I got a lot of different reactions from people. Some people told me that men just do not opt out. Others said that if they do opt out, then it is not opting out, but must be something else. Some even said, somewhat sarcastically, good luck interviewing because men do not talk about their feelings. Well, they were wrong. Men do opt out and they do talk about their feelings. The narratives I collected are rich and detailed, thoughtful and personal, and I feel honored and grateful that they wanted to share their stories with me. Nevertheless, the reactions I got do say something about the societal norms and expectations concerning men. It is harder for men to opt out. Despite the fact that many families are two-income households, the breadwinner ideal where the man is expected to support his family is still a reality (Tinsley et al., 2015). Men, ‘real men’ if you will, are expected to be able to support a family, which could clearly be discerned in the narratives I collected. Opting out and therefore not making as much money as before was a cause of stress for many. Some talked about how they might have to rethink their decisions so that they can start making more money again in order to support their family. Even men with wives who were successful high-earners themselves said this. The pressure for men to work is higher than it is for women. If a woman says she is opting out to be there more for her children, for example, she is often applauded for being a good mother (Stone, 2007; Biese, 2017). However, a man may be met with less understanding. In fact, research has shown that if men engage in behaviors that do not conform to masculine societal norms, they are typically penalized and receive more negativity than women who engage in behaviors that break gender stereotypes do (Heilman, 2012). https://doi.org/10.1515/9783110725797-005

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Despite cultural and national differences, some codes of masculinity are “astonishingly” widespread on a global level (Connell, 1995: 20). However, as Kimmel (2005) explains in the quote above, the definition of what a ‘real man’ is, is not a truth that is set in stone. Social masculine norms are situated in time and place and are subject to historical development and change (Connell and Messerschmidt, 2005). During the past decades we have seen a rise in, for example, caring masculinities and new fatherhood as a result of women’s increased participation in the public sphere as well as initiatives to increase fathers’ involvement in childcare (Borve and Bungum, 2015). Despite this, there continues to be evidence of normative patterns of practice and an idea of an “honored way of being a man” (Connell and Messerschmidt, 2005: 832). Gender roles have evolved over the years. However, because feminism and the women’s movement has mainly focused on women’s issues, rights, and gender identities, a lot of work has been done with and for women, while men’s gender norms and identities have not evolved at the same pace (Beck and Beck-Gernsheim, 2002). While women are talking about gender equality, equal opportunities, and shared responsibilities, men are still somewhat ‘stuck’ in more traditional masculine norms, like the breadwinner ideal, for example. In this chapter, I will explore masculinities, masculinist society, and societal norms. Research within sociology and social-psychology has found that there is a relatively narrow definition for what is considered good masculine behavior. There is an expectation of domination, aggression, and competition, all of which have been found to have a negative effect on men’s well-being (see Reid et al., 2018). While masculinities vary across cultures, multinational organizational contexts tend to override national differences. Within global organizations a transnational business masculinity can thus be discerned (Griffin, 2012; Hearn and Piekkari, 2005). Further, I will explore how masculine norms are produced and reproduced, as well as the culture of violence that is connected to masculine ideals and gender role socialization (Breines et al. 2000; Hatty, 2000). We will meet three men in this chapter, Peter, Colin, and Topi, who have all broken gender stereotypes and norms and opted out of successful, highly paid careers. Peter is from Finland and opted out to become an entrepreneur, Colin is from the UK and left a career in banking to start working on a PhD, and Topi, also from Finland, left a top management position to become a nurse. We will take part of their opting out and in journeys and the work they have done, and continue to do, to navigate and come to terms with issues of masculinity and see how that affects their decisions and how they make sense of their choices.

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Hegemonic masculinity The study of masculinities is a relatively new phenomenon. Not the study of men, men have practically always been studied, it is rather the study of masculinities as a gendered and social phenomenon that is quite recent (see for example Hearn, 2015). Within the subject of human development, it was not until the latter half of the 20th century that the likes of Eriksson, Freud, and Bettelheim started studying also girls and women (Gilligan, 1982). Even so, boys were still considered the norm and if girls were found to follow different developmental patterns or develop different moral values, they were seen as underdeveloped, deviant, or simply wrong (Horrocks, 1995; Gilligan, 1982). Freud set the basis for modern thinking on masculinity and femininity and understood that adult sexuality and gender are constructed rather than fixed by nature (see Connell, 1995). However, it was not until feminist theorists and research introduced the concept of gender (as opposed to sex) that the idea of masculinity and femininity became more widespread (Kimmel, 2005). Only since the 1980’s have we begun to really understand that not all men, or masculinities, are the same; that there is not only one masculinity but multiple masculinities and ways of be a man and of being masculine (Kimmel, 2005). Masculinity as an area of research did not gain popularity until the 1990’s (Connell, 1995). What it means to be a man, how we define manhood and masculinity, is socially constructed and anchored in time (Kimmel, 2005). It is part of a larger social structure and is not a set of fixed personality traits, but a set of practices and social actions that can vary over time and differ depending on the gender relations in any particular setting (Connell, 1995; Connell and Messerschmidt, 2005). In the 1980’s, Connell developed a concept of hegemonic masculinity to illustrate and describe social ideals and normative patterns of gendered practices in order to better understand issues of gender relations, domination, and violence in society (Connell and Messerschmidt, 2005). Although hegemonic masculinity does not describe any one man, it does illustrate the idea of what Connell and Messerschmidt (2005: 832) describe as an “honored way of being a man”. In his book Gender of Desire, Kimmel (2005: 30) explains how hegemonic masculinity is anchored in four main masculine ideals, articulated by David and Brannon (1976). These were published more than 40 years ago but continue to be taught – implicitly or explicitly – to boys as they grow up. These masculine ideals are (1) “No sissy stuff”, which simply stands for antifemininity (being a man means explicitly not being feminine); (2) “Be a big wheel”, an expectation of success, status, and recognition; (3) “Be a sturdy oak”, meaning do not cry or show weakness; and (4) “Give ’em hell”, which is an expectation of daring, risktaking, and aggression.

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However, as I already mentioned, hegemonic masculinity does not actually describe what men really are like nor does it correspond to the lives of men. Instead, it is an ideal and an expectation of what men should be and do, which, in reality, is hard to live up to. It also provides problematic models for how to relate to women and solve issues in gender relations (Cornwall, 2016; Connell and Messerschmidt, 2005). Hegemonic masculinity is not a fixed, transhistorical model, it evolves over time (Connell and Messerschmidt, 2005). Instead of one masculinity, researchers have rather adopted the idea of multiple masculinities, even of multiple hegemonic masculinities depending on time, situation, and place (Connell and Messerschmidt, 2005). In fact, hegemonic masculinities are bound by cultural differences and norms; what constitutes a ‘real man’ may mean different things in different cultures (Kimmel, 2005). Still, hegemonic masculinity sets a norm and standard for all men regardless of race, social standing, or sexual orientation, and is based on the masculinity of white, middle-class, heterosexual males (Kimmel, 2005). This is something that I have seen in my interview data. Despite cultural differences between Finland, the UK, and the US, there are clear similarities in masculine ideals in all three countries. Hegemonic masculinity is thus a standard that all men are measured up to, however, it is also one that they invariably cannot live up to, which, in turn, can lead to confusion and pain (Kimmel, 2005). As Berger et al. (1995: 2) comment, “Masculinity… is a vexed term, variously inflected, multiply defined, not limited to straightforward descriptions of maleness.” Hegemonic masculinity does not only describe behavioral ideals and attributional qualities, but also power relational components and the upholding and legitimacy of patriarchal power, political relations, patterns of practice, and the domination of some men over women and other groups of men (Connell, 1995; Connell and Messerschmidt, 2005; Demetriou, 2001). Demetriou (2001) differentiates between external hegemony, which is the institutionalization of men’s dominance over women, and internal hegemony, which is the social domination of one group of men over all other men. Masculinity is, in other words, an ambivalent and complicated concept, which is dependent on configurations of personal and institutional power (Berger et al., 1995). However, while hegemonic masculinity is fluid, contextual, and not fixed over time, the fact that it is more than just a psychological trait means that it can evolve into new forms of hegemonic masculinity without losing its dominant position over other masculinities (Demetriou, 2001). Hegemonic masculinity as a concept has been useful in understanding gender dynamics within social processes and the gendered nature of environments such as organizations or family life (Connell and Messerschmidt, 2005; Connell and Wood, 2005). However, it has also been critiqued as the concept of mascu-

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linity in itself dichotomizes the experiences of men and women. They way in which we define categories of what is masculine and feminine is engrained in language and invariably produces a rigid and unrealistic construction of reality (Berger et al., 1995). Furthermore, it is problematic to only look at men when studying masculinities, just as it is problematic only to look at women when talking about femininity (Connell and Messerschmidt, 2005; Brod, 1994). As Kristeva (1985), French psychoanalyst and social theorist argues, masculine and feminine are a part of both men and women, and the concept of masculinity has a tendency to essentialize men, imposing a false unity between them (see Connell and Messerschmidt, 2005). As Sedgwick (1995) comments, “[W]hen something is about masculinity, it is not always “about men”.” Both women and men are consumers and producers of masculinity (Sedgwick, 1995). Masculinity and femininity are not opposite poles on one axis, but on separate axes independent of one another. A person can therefore be both masculine and feminine at the same time (Sedgwick, 1995). It has been argued that the concept of masculinity is, in fact, a blurred concept that takes the focus away from social issues of power and domination in society (Collinson and Hearn, 1994). Rather than focusing on the hegemony of masculinity, Hearn (2014) argues that the hegemony of men is more pertinent as men and men’s behaviors are far more hegemonic than masculinity is. By focusing on the hegemony of men, we can address the way in which men are both a social category in our gender system as well as both individual agents and a dominant collective in society (Hearn, 2014). Since the theory of hegemonic masculinity was introduced, other theories have been developed to take into account the changing dynamics of men and masculinities and the more inclusive behaviors of men today (see for example Anderson, 2009). I will explore some of the more recent research that has been done and is relevant to opting out in the following chapter. In the meantime, the concept of hegemonic masculinity or masculinities provides a compelling tool for understanding the rather one-dimensional ideal men and boys are expected to live up to. In my research, I have seen how these ideals shape choices at an early stage. The men in my data set were bound by expectations and prestige when choosing a profession or what to study at university, for example. Some were pressured by family members to do what other men in their family had done, or to choose something that would provide them with good job prospects and a high status and salary so that they could provide for a future family (see Biese, 2020). As a result, they may find themselves in life or work situations where they do not feel comfortable or where they feel they cannot be themselves. As they opt out and in, they create lifestyles that they feel are more in line with their values, wants, and needs. However, as in the case of

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Tom in Chapter One, these changes may be hard to accept for those around them. Ever since industrialization and the advent of the corporate career, manhood has been associated with competition and being successful (Kimmel, 2005). Although men are expected to be daring and to take risks, it does not necessarily come naturally to them. Next, we will meet Peter, who had a successful career in a high-risk area of work before opting out. Coping with this risk was more than he could handle and for him, success did not mean the riches the risk-taking led to, but rather less money, more security, and just living comfortably.

Peter’s story: Vomiting in the bathroom Peter was barely out of business school when he made it big. He set up a company together with a few friends and they became successful overnight, dealing with enormous sums of money on a daily basis. It was highly risky and fastpaced, but the yield was substantial. They were making very large amounts of money. Peter comments, I had never thought I would be a millionaire by the age of 30, which I suddenly was.

However, the pressure was a lot to handle. Peter explains that he was never really very ambitious. He was asked by his colleagues to join the start-up, but it was nothing he himself had envisioned or planned. He was good at what he did, but had very mixed feelings about the stress: Everything was so glamorous, so nice, and so fun too, [but it was also] so demanding and [involved] so much responsibility. The more responsibility I had the more I noticed that I always felt nauseous in the morning and I get very easily stressed.

Peter ended up working for the company for five years. He was acutely aware of how much was at risk and that while he was making all that money, he could also suddenly lose everything. However, leaving was hard. The feeling of not wanting to do this anymore got stronger all the time, but he also had a strong feeling of not wanting to let his colleagues down. They were all good friends and he felt bad about holding them back and wanting to say no all the time to new risky projects that were in the works, so he just did not say anything. It was not until the fall of 2007, right before the global financial crisis of 2008, that he started worrying in earnest about the market crashing. One of his colleagues announced that he had been offered a job and was leaving the company, which opened the door for Peter to do the same. He was getting in-

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creasingly anxious and felt an acute need to get his money out before it was too late. The sense of urgency he felt at the time could be clearly discerned in the interview. He talks about how he almost considered just giving his shares away for free, as long as he could just get out before it was too late. In December of that same year, he and his colleagues came to an agreement and, as he puts it, he was free. He was very relieved and in hindsight he realizes that he got out just in the nick of time as the markets did indeed crash the following year. Soon after he left, he started getting job offers but had decided that he did not want to work that way anymore. He explains that he does not want to work for anyone else, he wants to be his own boss so that he can control what he does and how. He also wants to be able to control his time as having enough free time is important to him, but maybe most importantly, he never wants to end up feeling the way he did again: My goal is to have a moderate salary and more free time, to be with my family and not have that stress so that I [don’t] need to wake up in the morning and go by the bathroom and vomit, which I did for eight [years].

Since leaving, Peter has met his wife, got married, and had three children. His new working arrangements allow him to be very involved as a father. He can leave his office early when needed to pick his children up at daycare. He keeps his weekends free and during the summers or if the weather is nice he sometimes takes Fridays off the be with his children. Nevertheless, breaking norms and expectations for how to work is not easy and he continues to have mixed feeling despite knowing that his choices have been right for him. He comments, Of course… it always feels… I feel a bit guilty. The others [in the building where my office is] stay at work and I just leave on Friday. [I feel guilty] even though I don’t have anyone who is dependent on [me staying], even though I don’t really work with anyone, [I get] that sort of guilty feeling that the lazy bum just took off.

After he left the company, Peter took to wearing jeans and a sweater instead of the suit that been the dress code every day for the past five years. However, after he received a snide remark from a former colleague about not needing a suit anymore, he started wearing them again. He speculates that it was probably jealousy that triggered the comment, but explains that he just did not want to hear anything like that anymore. It is not unusual for those who opt out and in to second guess themselves as they are going against social norms and expectation, and I have found this especially true among the men I have interviewed. They deal with such a strong expectation of being a breadwinner and a success-

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ful one at that. Peter insists that he is happy with his current situation, however, the idea that he could have been something more still seems to haunt him. He comes back to this again and again during the interview: Sometimes I forget… I am a little jealous of [my former colleagues] sometimes. I would like to be involved in that again… [but] I am glad I haven’t been involved because it didn’t go well… I have to remember that I have chosen this life, that I’m not striving for anything very big anymore… I want to [make enough] so that I can get by… It’s fine to work [like this]… It’s not that stressful… Of course it is stressful because I have to make it work so that we can get by and that has gone very well for seven years but I don’t have that great expectations or such high ambitions anymore and many ask… when I meet old colleagues… [although] now they have stopped asking, when are you coming back to the big world?

In this quote you can clearly discern how drawn Peter is between not wanting to work that way anymore and still wanting to be involved; about being content with what he has and still wanting more. He sounds quite wistful when he says they have stopped asking although he has never wanted to go back when they have asked. Despite the fact that his business is going very well at the moment, he is worried that there might come a time when it will not and that he will have trouble supporting his family: The only thing I am scared of is that this goes south and that I will have lost everything in five or ten years and that I would then have to go back… I am scared of that. That I will lose everything, that I will lose so much that I have to go back to a normal job. I have been an entrepreneur for 10 years and I have not had a normal salary for 10 years, I have not had a boss for 10 years… I am scared that I will do something dumb or that I will eat too much of my cake and not be able to have this lifestyle anymore… Of course, if you have money you can take more time off… [but] it is not just the time off, it is also the stress that is an important factor.

Peter’s narrative is a good example of how those who opt out can have mixed feelings about their decisions, and how the loss of professional identity can lead to an identity crisis (see Chapter One). Although he knows that this is what he wants, he still feels unsure. He experiences pressure from his friends and former colleagues to go back to a life he does not want. Although he felt physically ill by the stress he had before he opted out, he wonders if he should have aimed higher and not just settled with what he has now. At the same time, he is worried that he may have to go back some day. He feels a great responsibility for his family. He is involved in the day-to-day care of his daughters, but still sees himself as the breadwinner. He worries about what will happen if he is not able to continue supporting them despite the fact that his wife also works.

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Transnational business masculinity Hegemonic masculinities are, in part, bound by national and cultural norms and therefore may vary depending on where you are. However, global organizational cultures dominate, reinforce, and reproduce masculine ideals and gender structuring despite national differences (Griffin, 2012; Collinson and Hearn 1996; Hearn and Piekkari, 2005; Biese and Choroszewicz, 2018). Organizational cultures have been found to override national differences regarding practices, recommendations, and legislative support for professionals regarding, for example, care responsibilities. What this means, is that corporate executives have been found to have similar experiences globally despite different cultural contexts (Hobson et al., 2011; Biese and Choroszewicz, 2018; Biese, 2017). Because corporations are so powerful globally, business masculinity has been argued to set a standard for hegemonic masculine norms on a global scale (Connell, 1998). Transnational business masculinity is a term coined by Connell (1998) to explore and explain how certain forms of hegemonic masculinity and masculine identity have become global among the transnational business elite (Elias and Beasley, 2009). What this means in terms of my study of men opting out, is that while hegemonic masculine norms may differ in the three countries where I have interviewed, Finland, the UK, and the US, there is a corporate masculine norm that is similar in all three countries, which is one reason why many of the men I have interviewed have similar experiences of organizational life. Gender identities are closely tied to globalization processes and global politics are rooted in a world gender order where certain forms of masculinity are privileged (Connell, 2005). However, since this world gender order is the norm, it becomes virtually invisible; an ‘absent presence’ that is taken for granted and does not require comment or explanation, but becomes the standard we measure things against (Collinson and Hearn, 2000; Kimmel, 1997). Although transnational business masculinity has become an influential concept in academic research, it must also be noted that this pattern of masculinity by no means represents all masculinity in the business world (Hearn et al., 2017). There are multiple masculinities within the corporate sphere, as within society as a whole, and national contexts and cultural differences do affect the patterns (Hearn et al., 2017). Transnational business masculinity still represents a dominant hegemonic norm that is also reflected in the interview data I have gathered. In addition, transnational processes, while blurring national borders and boundaries between nations, entail a reaffirmation of dominant groups of men and forms of masculinity (Hearn et al., 2017). The concept of hegemonic masculinity or masculinities points at the fact that not all masculinities are considered equal (Kimmel, 1997). While there invar-

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iably are as many individual ways of being a man as there are men, what this means is that the transnational masculine norm (like the masculinist linear career model, see Chapter Two) does not leave a lot of room for different forms and expressions of masculinity in the organizational sphere. Men are expected to behave, look, work, and pursue a career in a certain way in order to be perceived as ambitious and having what it takes to be a corporate executive. In addition, personal success in the form of, for example, salary and promotions, has been found to be to central to men’s identity construction and sense of self (Collinson and Hearn, 1994). Transnational business masculinity has been described as a link between masculinity and institutional power, or “a neoliberal version of an emphasized traditional masculinity” (Beasley, 2008: 92). Ironically, however, many of the men who hold power positions in the corporate world do not necessarily embody hegemonic masculine norms (Connell and Messerschmidt, 2005). The ideal does not reflect reality, but nevertheless remains an ideal. Different forms of hegemonic masculinity are reproduced in social situations – like workplaces – through collective banter, humor, and storytelling (see for example Gregory, 2009). This also involves men who do not identify with the hegemonic ideal, since breaking the dominant hegemonic standard could lead to being excluded from the group and thus “falling to the bottom of the pecking order” (Holgersson, 2013: 456). In competitive corporate settings, loyalty is demanded among those who want to pursue a career and, as a result, there is pressure for men (and women) to conform to social ideals (Holgersson, 2013). The Holgersson (2013) study cited above was of Swedish managers. Sweden, like Finland, is considered one of the most gender equal countries in the world. In Sweden, men and women share parental leave and neither women nor men have to choose between work and care responsibilities (Holgersson, 2013). Still, the corporate world in Sweden shows clear signs of hegemonic masculinity and homosociality, with Swedish business elites being found to adopt more traditional lifestyles than professionals in other fields. This same hegemonic masculinity and homosociality of the corporate world can also be detected in my interview data of Finnish men (see also Hearn and Piekkari, 2005; Kangas, 2020). Through homosociality, senior male managers are able to define what a good manager is, as well as to select and groom young potentials who they believe will live up to the management standards and norms, which the younger men, in turn, do not necessarily challenge. This reproduces a specific ideal and perpetuates a masculinist managerial culture (Holgersson, 2013). Managers are thus not only subjects but also objects of masculine organizations (Hearn and Collinson, 1998).

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In a study of the biographies and autobiographies of famous successful male executives of the 20th century by Collinson and Hearn (2000), the masculinist male culture was found to be based on ruthless business practices: bullying, coercion, control, and the humiliation of subordinates. Managerial discursive practices were characterized as aggressive and autocratic management styles were seen as the way to corporate success. These practices were found to be an important basis for not only alliances, but also divisions and conflicts. As a result, masculine managerial culture was found to foster and intensify competition, hostility between employees, and anxiety, which also led to flawed decision making. The material that Collinson and Hearn (2000) base their analysis on and the research they refer to in their study, is by now at least two decades old and managerial practices have evolved and improved with democratising concepts like shared leadership. However, as we saw in Kasper’s and Matti’s narratives in Chapters One and Two, and will see in Topi’s account later in this chapter, this still seems accurate, at least in some organizations. In cultures of paternalism – a prominent masculinist culture and discursive practice of managerial control – power is excercised by emphasising the moral importance of cooperation, personal trust, and the need for employees to voluntarily invest their time and identify with the company (Hearn and Collinson, 1998). Historically, the organization has been the main social unit of men’s domination, leaning on a gendered imagery of the organization as a family with the manager as the patriarchal head of the family (Collinson and Hearn, 1994). Ironically, however, the commitment to career progress, long hours, and success rather creates a division between work and home especially acutely among those with managerial responsibilities, which puts a strain on managers’ family life (Collinson and Hearn, 1994). Berdahl et al. (2018) contend that workplaces prize social dominance, physical strength, and putting work ahead of other parts of life, in addition to avoiding displays of weakness or emotion. In their study of male consultants, executive managers, and firefighters, they identified the manifestation of four dimensions of masculinity contests, namely “Dog-Eat-Dog”, “Strength and Stamina”, “Put Work First”, and “Show No Weakness”. Dog-Eat-Dog describes competition for social dominance, where you cannot be too trusting and you have to watch your back; and where there is a belief that you are either in or out, and when you are out you are definitely out. Work is seen as a zero-sum game where you are either a winner or a loser. Dog-Eat-Dog was found to be salient especially in the consulting world, where work is largely done in teams and teams are formed through networks and referrals. Those who were in, experienced this way of working as inclusive and felt that they belonged and were

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safe and cared for. However, those who did not belong as clearly to a team, had a very different experience. They felt their line of work was risky and that the relationships were unreliable. (Berdahl et al., 2018) The Put Work First dimension was, not surprisingly, salient among both consultants and executive managers. Men in both groups worked over 60 hours a week. They felt a strong expectation to put work first and cancel plans and commitments in their personal lives whenever they were required to stay late in the office or extend business trips. This put a strain on personal lives as many complained of the inability to commit to doctor’s appointments, birthday parties, relationships, and sports. However, especially the executive managers saw the need to put work first as legitimate and it was mostly their family members who complained. (Berdahl et al., 2018) The third dimension, Strength and Stamina, was naturally salient among the firefighters, however, it was also an important marker of masculinity among the consultants and the executive managers. This is perhaps surprising since the nature of their work does not require physical fitness or stamina. Nevertheless, both groups stressed the need of stamina to be able to work long hours on little sleep, for example (Berdahl et al., 2018). Other studies have also shown that physical appearance and the need to look young, strong, and fit is considered important among business executives and links have been made between virility and superior economic performance (Elliott, 2008; Griffin, 2012; Meriläinen et al., 2013). The fourth dimension, Show No Weakness, is intimately linked to the third dimension. Again, this was an important dimension among firefighters, but also among the consultants and executive managers. However, the consultants also expressed the importance of embracing their fallibility and willingness to learn from their mistakes as a prerequisite for success. Colleagues who did not do this were seen as difficult and a liability for the company. Among the executive managers there were more mixed findings. Asking for help and admitting to weakness was reportedly difficult, but at the same time one executive had let his whole team down when he did not feel he could show weakness in this way. There was anxiety over failures and making mistakes when working on one’s career. (Berdahl et al., 2018) Next, we will meet Colin. Colin is from the UK and opted out of a hypermasculine business environment to go back to university. He felt disillusioned by the values in the world of business. His choices were hard for his colleagues to understand, and he himself struggled to come to terms with the loss of income as it jeopardized his ability to support a future family.

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Colin and the sense of dislocation and alienation Like Peter, the pressure to support his family is something that drives Colin, although he, also like Peter, did not even have a family when he opted out. Colin left a career in investment banking to go back to university and work on a PhD. Like Peter, he was doing very well financially. He was making a lot of money, but was also under a lot of pressure: I was [in my] mid to late twenties and earning lots of money working in the city and I had the blackberry and I had the car collect me in the mornings… and it was sort of sexy and ‘zazzy’ and it was all good fun but […] it was very intense, very transactional, and very pressured…

In the interview, he makes the decision to leave sound like a very deliberate and rational choice, and explains that after having worked for a few years he wanted to gain a better understanding of the mechanisms behind the financial markets: [Work] was interesting and demanding and tough and all of the good things people say in banking [laugh]… but what I was really interested in was the much larger picture of what was going on in all of this.

However, as the interview unfolds, it becomes clear that the situation was much more complex than that. His decision to opt out coincided with the banking crisis of 2008 – 2009 and he felt disillusioned by his employer’s practices and policies when people were really struggling in a time of financial crisis. Like most of my interviewees, he first shares his rehearsed narrative and reason for leaving. Most of the people I have interviewed about opting out and in, have felt a need to create a story for others in order to minimize negative reactions. However, as the interview progresses, Colin starts talking more openly about the real reasons behind his decision: I think on a sort of professional level I enjoyed the lifestyle and the work and the pay and all the sorts of good things but [I] became very intellectually and personally, in a deep sense, spiritually unfulfilled and I became a lot more interested in understanding the much bigger picture and then the crisis worsened and everything went south I got a lot more interested in the public use of all of this sort of stuff. So we, in my firm, we did a lot of work that appeared to do no social good for anything at all [laugh], you know, it was just helping [move] bits of paper around in circles and pay the bonuses of people all over the place and it didn’t do anything it was just sort of [a] conflict…

Later it the interview, he also talks about the need to create an acceptable narrative for others. Colin explains how his colleagues thought he was a bit crazy to be giving up his lifestyle and salary level to become a doctoral student. He dealt

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with it by creating a narrative about how a PhD was an investment and a strategic career move: I remember scaling my response to their response according to something that was kind of just easy to do, so if they were sort of are you mad, you know, I would say ah yeah well you know this is part of a plan. I’m just going to go away and do this and I’ll be back, you’ll see me again… I’ll be earning way more money and I’ll be working on the 18th floor instead of down here on the 7th. So, for many… that thought this was a bonkers idea and could only frame it as a sort of career development step, I just played at that… because it was easier than trying to say actually I hate this job.

This is about half way into the interview and it is the first time that he utters a word about not liking his job. The notion that he was not enjoying his job is further strengthened when he talks about how relieved he felt to have ‘escaped’ from his life as an investment banker: [I was] very excited and very relieved… because, you know, I was escaping… the pressured life and the work load and that sort of stuff.

The adjustment was difficult. Although a PhD was exactly what he wanted to do, he suddenly found himself in a course with a group of students who not only were younger than him, but who also had no work experience and had no idea of the life he had just left. Not only that, the new lifestyle was also a great adjustment. From having constantly had a full schedule with meetings and appointments, Colin suddenly had all this time that he needed to structure himself: I remember the adjustment being very wrenching, very… difficult to get my head around. […] The toughest one was this sort of adjusting back to running my own timetable and running my own study, that was quite a big move.

This is typical when opting out and in. Not only do individuals experience a crisis that pushes them to take the step, but the time after making the change is also fraught with identity crises (Biese, 2017). Especially for individuals pursuing careers, their work and career are a substantial part of their personal identities and become definitive of who they consider themselves to be (see Biese, 2017). The loss of professional identity can therefore trigger a new crisis as they find themselves in unfamiliar terrain. Opting out and in thus involves substantial identity work as they find themselves in a situation where they must define, create, and come to terms with new identities and life narratives. The loss of earnings and the luxurious lifestyle did not concern Colin very much at the time. He had made a lot of money while he was working and

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was not left without resources despite experiencing a substantial loss of income. It was not until he started a family that this became an issue. Colin met his wife while he was working on his PhD. She has a career of her own and is a high earner. However, now that they are expecting their first child, it worries Colin that he is not contributing enough to the family income. Where a woman might have seen the advantage of having a more flexible lifestyle and work solution, despite it paying less, in order to be able to be there for the children (see Biese 2017), the need to bring in money to the family is Colin’s main concern. [T]hat’s a bit of a worry and that kind of equates to a very pragmatic worry about how am I going to fund our mortgage, our life next year [after the baby is born]… I’m very lucky, my wife still works… still earns quite a bit of money … I don’t know where I’m feeling it from but there’s a real feeling of, well, I’m the male, I shouldn’t be the drainer of resources, I should be at least co-contributing… Those pressures and those fears and what not, they don’t outweigh the rightness of this lot, I still do think this was the right thing to do and I still am far happier in the grand scheme researching… and teaching…

Like Kasper in Chapter One, Colin makes it sound like he could do with a lot less if it were only up to him. Although at the end the interview it becomes clear that making less and not having access to the same luxuries as his friends does bother him on some level. Although he does realize that this is not a “healthy” way to think, he cannot help comparing himself to his friends. He feels his life as an academic is much more meaningful than his previous career in banking was. Still, he is affected by conventional, or objective, definitions of success: I have all these – I tell myself to stop doing it because it’s not particularly healthy and sensible – but I have all these comparisons and benchmarks against friends from school or friends from university who have gone into a job and stuck at that job… I’m not much of a materialist anyway but… I don’t own a car and that really feels kind of like a silly little badge or nonbadge, if you like, where plenty of my university friends now have. I don’t care that they have nice cars I’m just a little bit miffed that they have a car and I don’t and I can’t afford a car because I don’t make any money.

Colin, like Kasper and many others, struggles with external expectations of breadwinning and success. In the next section, I will further explore the explicit and implicit messages of masculinity that men continuously receive that strengthen gendered norms and expectations.

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Mediated masculinity As I explained in Chapter One, media plays a defining role in how we perceive the world, but it also has a great definitive influence when it comes to behavior and attitudes about gender (Craig, 1992). On the one hand, media reflects existing social and cultural patterns and, on the other, it shapes culture and society, and media figures and characters become behavioral role models (Ott and Mack, 2010; Walters, 1996). As individuals of all ages are exposed to media, they come to adopt beliefs that coincide with images they see (Gerbner et al., 1994). Nevertheless, the effect of media culture on consciousness and routines often goes unnoticed as it becomes engrained in our consciousness, and therefore it is generally not questioned (Durham, 2009). Previous research has mostly focused on how women and girls and their identities and sexuality are molded by media (see for example Durham, 2009), and men’s portrayals have typically been seen as exemplary and unproblematic (Craig, 1992). Since the end of 20th century, more attention has been paid to the ways men and boys are shaped by media images and ideals, including their understanding of their gender, their sexuality, and their value as men, as well as what is desirable male behavior (see Kosut, 2012; Fejes, 1992). When reading through research of how men and masculinities are depicted in the media, what immediately strikes me is just how stereotypical it all is, whether it comes to news reporting, the film industry, daytime television, pornography, comics, or gaming (see Kosut, 2012; Kim et al., 2007; Mannila, 2017; Fejes, 1992; Pecora, 1992; Klaassen and Jochen, 2014; Durham, 2009). For example, in television men are more often cast in leading roles in action dramas, but not as often in comedies and soap operas that deal with more interpersonal relationships (see Fejes, 1992). Male characters are more likely to have high-status jobs in traditionally male occupations, but are less likely to be seen in home environments and caring roles. Men are more likely to engage in acts of violence and reinforce punishment for behavior, showing power and status. In humoristic shows, men are more likely to disparage women than vice versa. In other words, the men portrayed correlate with patriarchal notions of masculinity, but also white, middle-class, heterosexual masculinity. Working class men, on the other hand, have often been portrayed as awkward, clumsy, and dominated by a wife who is the real decision maker in the family (Fejes, 1992). In a TED talk from 2012, Colin Stokes talks about what children’s movies teach boys about manhood. Children’s movies today contain a lot of violence and the focus is often on a male hero who violently defeats a villain alone. After defeating the villain, he generally gets a reward, which according to Stokes is often a girl. While Stokes’ talk is humoristic, it also hits the nail on its head.

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Movies like these teach boys about perseverance and loyalty, but very little room is left for cooperation and relationships. There are many great movies being made for girls that teach them that they also can be strong warriors and provide tools for defending against the patriarchy. However, Stokes (2012) argues that these movies with strong heroines are sending a message to boys that they are not the target audience and as a result we are not providing the models for boys that they need. Boys are not being shown nuanced models of being a man. In comics, superheroes also provide important symbols of masculinity, however, gender roles are stereotypical. Although strong women are also portrayed as heroes, they are still often very scantily clad and sexy. Superheroes represent and present a male ideal of success, power, and control, where violence is seen as an appropriate way to solve conflict (Pecora, 1992). Computer games also tend to be very gendered and clearly targeted at either boys or girls, and popular games like GTM (Grand Theft Auto), which is targeted towards adults but is unfortunately also played by children, contains features that involve violence towards women (see Durham, 2009). In a meta study of online pornography and gender roles (Klaassen and Jochen, 2014), men were found to be in dominating roles more often than women, while women were more likely to be objectified and used as sex objects than men. An idealized image of sexuality is communicated and photographic manipulation is used on both men and women to show above average attractiveness, although this is more true in erotica and pornography aimed at men than at women (Fejes, 1992). Although that may cause an unhealthy or unrealistic body ideal for both men and women, more problematic is perhaps the violence and how violence is seen to lead to positive outcomes. Although Klaassen and Jochen (2014) found that severe violence was uncommon among the most popular online pornographic films, situations where the woman says no and does not want to have sex but the man still forces himself on her and the woman then seems to like it after all is not unusual (Fejes, 1992). Studies have found this to desensitize male viewers towards victims of sexual violence as well as to normalize violence towards women (see Fejes, 1992). Klassen and Jochen (2014) also found that in amateur pornography, women were more likely to be manipulated to have sex and gender inequalities were more pronounced. In a report of gender representation in the news media in the Nordic countries (Mannila, 2017), which included Demark, Finland, Iceland, Norway, and Sweden, it was found that women were underrepresented; news is more often than not reported by men about men. Men and women are also represented in gender stereotypical ways. Men are more likely to dominate in reporting on economics and politics, while the smallest gender difference has been found in news concerning science and health. Women are also portrayed differently in

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photographs in the media than men are. Focus is generally more on their physical attributes and they are often used as so-called “eye-candy”, reinforcing the idea of women as visually pleasing rather than adding to the content of the story (Jia et al., 2016: 1; Soobben, 2013). Active measurement and heightened awareness of gender imbalances in the news media have improved the gender balance somewhat, although change is slow (Mannila, 2017). Gender stereotyping in advertising has decreased somewhat over the years, still advertising continues to contain stereotyped presentations of gender roles, especially regarding occupational status (Eisend, 2010). In addition, advertising, like other media channels, has engaged in the hypersexualization of women and girls (Durham, 2009; Zurbriggen et al., 2007; Lamb and Koven, 2019). This is also true for the music industry. In music and music videos, concepts of love and relationships dominate with images of men’s loyalty and ability to satisfy women and provide for a family. Music has been found to contain images of violence and sexist treatment of women, and especially rap music has recently been in the spotlight for being sexist (see for example Gay, 2014). So far, these research results of the depiction of men and masculinity in the media have been mostly about traditional forms of media. However, as I mentioned in Chapter One, social media platforms have a prominent role in shaping world views as well as in the production and reproduction of gender relations today (see for example Jane, 2016). While social media provides a space to create awareness and challenge inequalities, it has also been found to not only preserve, but even intensify patriarchal structures (see Maaranen and Tienari, 2020). As movements to make individuals aware of inequalities become more visible, it also gives rise to counter-movements (Banet-Wiser, 2018). After #MeToo, for example, a toxic antifeminist movement has spread and gained traction on social media, and especially women in publicly visible positions are regularly and increasingly on the receiving end of hate speech, virtual abuse, harassment, and threats of violence (Amnesty International, 2017; Jane, 2016). The Web Foundation (2020: 1) goes so far as to call it a “pandemic of violence against women and girls”. Social media is used for self-representation, but also for networking and connecting to like-minded people. In a recent study that looked at reactions to #MeToo on Wall Street, Maaranen and Tienari (2020) have found there to be a strong connection between social media and hypermasculine work cultures. Social media commentary shapes discourses and practices in the work place. Toxic anti-feminist discussions and so-called ‘popular misogyny’ are transferred to offline discussions at work. This is a troubling research result as it poses a threat to the work being done to make workplaces more gender equal. It needs to be noted, however, that there are substantial differences between organizations

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and business areas regarding organizational cultures and practices. Still, hypermasculine cultures like the ones Maaranen and Tienari (2020) studied continue to exist, as we will see especially in Rick’s narrative in Chapter Five.

A culture of violence In the study of masculinities, a connection has been made between masculine ideals, gender role socialization, and violence. Existing masculinities are, in fact, a part of a culture of violence; violence is woven into the social fabric of modern Western societies (Breines et al., 2000; Hatty, 2000). As described above, the socialization of masculine ideals begins at an early age and boys are taught that preferred masculine behavior includes stoicism, avoiding the show of emotional sensitivity, being tough and self-sufficient, and competition and homophobic heterosexism (Wall and Kristjanson, 2005; Kimmel, 2005). According to Miezdan (1992: 42), “When boys are encouraged to be not just assertive, but almost obsessionally competitive and concerned with dominance, it becomes more likely that they will eventually use violent or other antisocial means to achieve dominance.” Miezdan (1992) differentiates between three types of aggression as a result of this: constructive aggression, which is a result of assertiveness and determination; antisocial aggression, which is linked to obsessive competitiveness and dominance; and finally, destructive aggression, which is the result of using violence or other antisocial means to achieve domination. As Toomey (1992: 44) comments, “To be a man is to be in charge. To be gentle is to be a wimp, weak excuse for a man, an object of derision, and ridicule.” Masculine ideals thus also entail pressures to conform to expectations of aggression and dominance, which increases the potential among boys (and men) to engage in acts of violence, both physical and verbal (Feder et al., 2010). Violence thus becomes a way of asserting masculinity and men, as a result, dominate statistics of violence, ranging from violence within the scope of military and warfare to domestic violence (Connell, 1995; Bourdieu, 2001; Connell, 2000). Domestic violence is, sadly, a very common form of violence; the home has been identified as the safest place for men but the least safe place for women (see Hearn, 2015). Finland, for example, which is considered one of the most gender equal countries in the world, also tops the statistics of domestic violence and is found to be the second most violent country for women in the EU with 47 % of women having experienced physical or sexual violence since the age of 15 (FRA, 2015). The corresponding average in the EU is 33 % and globally the number is 35 % (FRA, 2015, UN Women, 2020). In some parts of the world the number is

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as high as 70 % (UN Women, 2020). These numbers do not include sexual harassment. As may be expected in a society that is built on a regime systemic of violence, not all forms of violence are considered bad. Violence that is committed for something that is considered a just cause or a means towards a worthy goal is considered good (for example, the fight against terrorism or the restoring of balance to the social system) and the discourse of male dominance also includes a notion of men’s natural entitlement to use violence as a means to reach a desired outcome (Toch, 1993; Toomey, 1992). What we define as violence also varies socially and culturally over time. As Hearn (2014) discerns, violence can be both material and discursive. Verbal or sexual abuse may not even be perceived as violence, although it is. It is important to note that this embeddedness of violence in masculinist culture and society is by no means due to a natural inclination by men to be violent. Men are not violent by nature and all men do not engage in violent behavior. What we are dealing with is a social structure and a socially constructed masculine ideal. As Bourdieu (2001) explains, [Men] are also prisoners, and insidiously victims of the dominant representation […] those which underlie the pursuit and exercise of domination are not inscribed in a nature, and they have to be learned through a long labour of socialization.

While stories of violence committed by individuals dominate news and media accounts, violence has been found to more often appear as a part of a complex system that involves institutions and how they are organized (Connell, 1987). An area of research that has more recently been gaining ground is organizational and workplace violence (see for example Kessler et al., 2008; Penttinen et al., 2019). Workplace violence refers to situations and incidents where employees are abused, mistreated, threatened, or assaulted, physically, verbally, or psychologically. Some actions may be difficult to detect but still have a direct effect on the employee, like workplace bullying, for example. It can also include incidents beyond the boundaries of the workplace, off the premises, outside working hours, and be caused by individuals not even employed by the organization (SHRM, 2019; Howard, 2001). However, as long as it is caused by work-related motives, it qualifies as workplace violence (see Howard, 2001). Although substantial work is being done to limit violence on all levels in society, there is also a social enabling of violence that may be hard to detect. Risktaking, competition, and the concept of honor that characterize mainly male social interactions have been found to have a direct link to cultures of violence (Wood, 2007). However, as Wood (2007) contends, violence is not part of

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men’s or anyone else’s genetic programming. It is not a natural law and it does not have to be this way. In the next narrative, we will see how Topi, who opted out of an executive position in a large Finnish firm, found that he could no longer condone the culture of violence he witnessed at work and he wanted nothing more to do with it.

Topi and the unethical treatment of employees My interview with Topi was really quite remarkable. He had heard of me and my research through a friend and he contacted me and offered to be interviewed. It was hard to schedule a time to meet because he was training to be a nurse and if he was offered a work shift he needed to prioritize that because he simply needed the money. After rescheduling a couple of times, we finally managed to meet and when we did, he came with a narrative that he had been waiting to tell. We exchanged pleasantries and I explained the process at the beginning of the interview. After that, I practically did not utter a word until the end of interview when he was done telling me his story. It was a monologue that went on for the better part of an hour, and it included all the different phases of opting out: the incoherence, the crisis, the soul searching, the opting in, as well as the issues and emotions that I have found to be central to the opting out and in process. Although I always say as little as possible during an interview due to my research method (see Introduction), this interview was extraordinary because most of my interviewees need at least some prompting. Topi had a top management position when he decided to opt out. He started training to become a nurse, and although one might imagine it to be an unusual choice for a man to opt out in order to work in such a female dominated area, he insists that it is not. He explains early on in the interview that he knows several men who have opted out and are now training to be nurses, in case I need more men to interview. It quickly becomes clear that Topi feels very disillusioned by the business world. Topi is a business school graduate and has had a long and successful career. As he climbed the career ladder, he had a number of jobs that he found both inspiring and interesting and ended up working in the business world for 17 years before he opted out. It was not until his last job that he started to feel uncomfortable with and question the ethical aspects of the company culture and practices. He explains that this is one of the reasons he was so keen to get interviewed. He feels that there are so many people who are unhappy in their jobs or careers but that, unlike him, have not found an alternative path and he wants to share his story so that he may be of some help:

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The reason that I was interested in being interviewed is because I feel these topics, they spin around in my mind and they aren’t all just my thing, I’m sure a lot of other people are in similar situations, and it may be that many haven’t found their way out.

This is unusual for individuals who opt out. The corporate world is individualized and employees seldom share their struggles with each other. The environment is competitive and talking about not being able to handle it all, for example, may be seen as a weakness and not having what it takes (Biese and Choroszewicz, 2018). In addition, employees are generally encouraged to solve any issues individually, even when they are structural, and be individually responsible for their well-being (Pfeffer, 2018). As a result, when individuals opt out, they often feel that it is a solution that is right for them and do not necessarily see that they may be part of larger phenomenon (see also Biese, 2017). Topi, on the other hand, has a strong feeling that there is something about the business world that is just not working for individuals and he wants to be part of a wider cultural and structural change. He tells me that he had what he describes as a “pretty bad career crisis”: [I had a] career crisis combined with a life crisis actually, and the main thing was that I had a burnout but not necessarily because of the amount of work, nor because I couldn’t manage my work. One central element was… that there was such a clash of values and such rigid demands of how I was expected to do my job.

What happened was that demands were put on Topi regarding how to deal with his subordinates. These demands were, according to Topi, not only in contradiction to the company’s corporate HR policy and recommendations on how to handle situations, but also Finnish employment legislation. In addition, they went completely against his own values, which caused him a lot of distress. Topi was also concerned about the general treatment of employees in the organization. He felt that they were unethically and unfairly treated, and there was one department in particular where he felt it was especially bad. He explains: Their working space was quite inhuman, they were jammed into a very small space and I had been talking about it for a long time [about how] this is completely impossible. They had to call clients from there… and the acoustics… I had been saying for a long time that we have to find a solution, we have to find money in the budget… so they can physically have more space… I got the feeling that sometimes you keep animals better than that; horses have more space in their stables.

He also saw instances of age discrimination where the employer took advantage both of very young employees and those who were closer to retirement age:

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[P]eople whose careers were at the point that they were of an age where they couldn’t really change [jobs] anymore … they wouldn’t have found anything… I think that was one of the reasons they were treated the way they were and the young [employees] who were recruited on a temporary basis even though they should have got a fixed contract… Often they left and felt that neither they nor their work was valued by management, who at the same time got big bonuses.

Topi’s breaking point came when his superior wanted him to lay off one of his subordinates on what he felt were unethical grounds. Although his superior was pressuring him to do this, he just could not and would not. He realized that he did not want to work there anymore and tried to find another job, but it was hard. He could not seem to find anything that inspired him. In the meantime, things were getting worse at work. He started to feel more negative toward the organization and started thinking about his own work-life balance. He felt unfulfilled at work and explains that he noticed new behavior in himself. He would buy more things, which in hind-sight he interprets as an attempt to buy the meaning that was missing from his life. He talks about how he would purchase the latest technology and then feel empty afterwards, and then try to fill that feeling of emptiness with another purchase. He started counting the years until his retirement. He wondered what he should do and thought a lot about what his perfect or ideal job could be. He came to the conclusion that he did not want to spend so much time inside sitting still. He wanted work that would take him out into the fresh air. He wanted to be able to use his body physically from time to time and he wanted to work with a team, however not the kind of temporary transitional team that is so common in the business world, but the same team where he would be able to get to know those with whom he works. He did not want a job where he had to take his work home with him every night and he wanted to work with customers, to have human contact in his job. He thinks about how he ended up where he is now and understands what great pressure he has been under his whole life to conform to masculine norms regarding life choices: I really started thinking about how I ended up doing what I do, what kind of choices I made when I was young and what has influenced me and I realized it was the legendary… a man has got to do what a man has got to do.

Topi grew up as an only child to a single mom. He talks about how his mother has always raised him to be sensitive and to believe in gender equality. She would talk about how it is important for a man to be able to cook and to be involved in childcare and household chores. However, whenever she started seeing a man they would adopt very traditional gender roles, so Topi muses that the

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underlying message that he got was really something else. The gender roles he saw and experienced were, in fact, quite traditional. Growing up he always envisioned himself as a suit-wearing business man and the idea that a man could start training as a nurse, a profession that was so strongly associated with women, felt ludicrous. He felt stuck – he did not know what to do – and one day when he met a friend over lunch, everything changed. They were talking about his situation and as he was explaining to his friend, who was a nurse, what he wanted in a job, she suggested that he also train to be a nurse. All the things he wanted from a job were things she had in her work. He dismissed this idea right away as it seemed like a ridiculous suggestion. Besides, the thought of leaving a highly paid job for a profession that is known for its low pay level just made the idea seem even more crazy, but she was insistent. Then suddenly everything clicked; he describes it as a light-bulb moment, and that he all of a sudden realized, yes, this was something that he would love to do. He went about finding out what he needed to do to get into nursing school, applied, and was accepted. He was still not ready to give up his job completely and he negotiated a leave of absence so he would have the ability to go back if it turned out he did not like nursing after all. However, once his leave of absence ended, he gave notice and focused on graduating from nursing school. He comments: All of a sudden I realized that this was what I had been looking for for a long time, like I suddenly had a future again and I realized that I hadn’t had this positive anticipation of what was to come in a long time. I hadn’t had any vision of what I would do with my life and now I suddenly did and it’s like I’ve come alive.

At the time of the interview, he was close to graduating. He has much less money to spend but he loves his new lifestyle: The salary level is ridiculous… I have had to rethink what money means to me.

He cannot spend money anymore like he used to, but he does not feel like he needs to either. Still, it has affected his social life. When he opted out he was single and was wary over the fact that he would not be able to pick up the bill on dates and that this may make it more difficult for him to meet and connect with someone on a romantic level. However, his worries turned out to be all for naught. Soon after he started nursing school, he met his current girlfriend.

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Living up to masculine ideals In this chapter, the narratives of Peter, Colin, and Topi illustrate just how narrow and one-dimensional hegemonic masculine ideals can be. Although they are based on the masculinity of white, middle-class, heterosexual males, they are nevertheless widespread and permeate all levels of society. They do not describe any one man, but men and boys are still expected to live up to them. Since this is difficult to do, they may suffer and experience feelings of failure as a result. We have seen how media depictions of men strengthen masculine hegemonic norms in society and that there is a connection between masculine ideals, gender role socialization, and violence. In the organizational sphere there is a transnational business masculine ideal, which describes certain forms of hegemonic masculinity and masculine identity that have become global among the transnational business elite. Although there are multiple masculinities within the corporate sphere, transnational business masculinity still represents a dominant hegemonic norm that leaves little room for diversity among men, which is ironic since corporate career ideals have been created by men for men. All three men in this chapter opted out of a hegemonic masculine ideal of risk-taking, (objective or traditional) success, the breadwinner ideal, masculinist organizational ideals, and in Topi’s case at least, a culture of organizational violence. They know they made the right decision – they feel happy about the changes they made – however, they still struggle with the cognitive dissonance of not living up to what is expected of them. Peter and Colin, for example, worry about not being able support a family; an actual one in Peter’s case and a future one in Colin’s. Although they have pursued lifestyles and solutions for work that better correspond to who they believe they are and how they want to live, they nevertheless think about the careers and extravagant lifestyles that their friends have and that they had but gave up. This just shows how etched the hegemonic ideal continues to be in their consciousness. It makes them second guess themselves and their choices, despite being convinced that this is something they had to and wanted to do. Hegemonic masculinity and attempting to live up to hegemonic ideals have been found to impact men’s health negatively (see Lusher and Robins, 2009). This can be clearly discerned in the case of Peter, who even vomited in the mornings before going to work, and in the case of Topi, who had a burnout as a result of the stress and organizational violence he experienced at work. In addition, men have been found to take risks – consciously or subconsciously – to prove their masculinity and manhood, which also has a negative impact on their health, including stress-related illnesses as well as a higher incidence of suicide among men than women (Kimmel, 2005; OECD Data, 2019). A loss of power and

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status, which all the men in my study arguably experienced, may also lead to feelings of personal failure, which, in turn, can lead to feelings of shame, humiliation, and depression (Kimmel, 2005). Interestingly, a survey conducted in 1992 showed that men’s greatest fear was to be laughed at, while for women it was to be victims of violent crimes like rape and murder (see Kimmel, 2005). In the next chapter, I will explore issues of identity and intimacy and the strategies men use to explain and make sense of the choices they make. I will consider in greater detail the adverse effects of hegemonic masculine norms and culture on men’s well-being. I will also take a closer look at different ways of being a man and present research that provides alternative and more nuanced models for masculinity that better reflect the way contemporary men actually behave and interact with others.

Chapter 4 Identity and intimacy Opting out is not easy to do although many people dream and think about it. A comment I have heard more often than I can count is, “I wish I could do that too.” During my years of researching opting out, I have spent a lot of time considering that if so many people seem to want to, why do more people not do it? The answer is that opting out is hard, both financially and emotionally. Financially it often entails taking a risk or at least a pay-cut, as it has done for most of the individuals I have interviewed. Emotionally it generally entails taking a leap into the unknown. It is hard to imagine something other than what we already know, to imagine a different lifestyle to the one that we are already familiar with. In addition, for individuals with careers, opting out can feel like a loss of identity as personal identity is so intimately linked with one’s career (Stone, 2007). In a study of women who opt out, Stone (2007: 144) found that “the loss of professional identity was about more than the loss of status, it was a disappearing act.” For men there is also a third dimension that makes opting out especially difficult. Career success and the ability to make enough money to support a family is linked to hegemonic masculine norms and giving that up can thus pose a direct threat to masculinity (Kimmel, 2005). Research has also shown that men, due to the narrow social norms of masculinity, have fewer identities and culturally available discourses to choose between compared to women (Willig, 1999). Opting out is therefore more difficult to do for men than it is for women. Masculine identities are constantly negotiated, constructed, and reconstructed in social interaction with others (Collinson and Hearn, 1994). In this chapter, I will be looking more closely at issues of identity and the discursive strategies and masculine identity talk men use to deal with the threat to their masculine identity that opting out and breaking societal gender norms may entail (Davies & Harré, 1990; Burr, 2003; Pajumets and Hearn, 2012). We will be meeting three men, Joseph, Christopher, and Michael, who are all from the US and who opted out of high-powered careers to become stay-at-home fathers. Not only did they give up their careers and highly paid jobs, they did so to stay at home full-time to become the main caregivers of their children, which is typically a woman’s role. In addition, they became financially dependent on their spouses. In their narratives one can clearly discern the identity talk and strategies they use, for example a narrative of work and of supporting the family, although not financially. Although the role of fathers is continuously evolving in society and men take a more active role in the care of their children (Burnett et al., 2012; https://doi.org/10.1515/9783110725797-006

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Gregory and Milner, 2012), the narratives of Joseph, Christopher, and Michael show just how deeply engrained the breadwinner ideal is and how difficult breaking from socially constructed ideals and norms can be. In this chapter I also look at issues of intimacy and friendship among men. Although hegemonic ideals, discussed in Chapter Three, continue to be present in society and are something that men are more or less expected to live up to, actual lived masculinities are much more nuanced and diverse. As Kimmel (2005) contends, hegemonic masculinity describes no man and is a norm that no man is actually able to live up to. In this chapter, I will be looking at research that better describes what real men, in the real meaning of the word, actually are like today and how they live and interact with others.

Narratives and identity talk As we have seen in the previous chapters, the men in my study tend to create narratives about their opting out and in experiences. They do this, in part, so that they themselves can make sense of what they have been through, but also to be able to explain their choices to others. As I explained in the Introduction, an individual’s narrative does not necessarily give an accurate account of events – the individual perhaps cannot or does not want to remember or talk about what really happened for whatever reason – and the narrative may also vary depending on who the listener is. Davies and Harré (1990) use the term position to describe the different roles and identities that make up an individual and the way a person positions himself (or herself) in meetings with others and displays different aspects of the self. An individual thus speaks and acts from a range of subject positions in any particular situation at any given time (Smith, 1988). As identities are produced through talk, this positioning is a discursive process and the different selves are located in the storylines that are produced in a situation or conversation, which may or may not be intentional (Davies and Harré, 1990). The positioning is based on a person’s history and can be either interactive or reflexive (Howard, 2000). The narratives contain images and metaphors as well as vocabulary and figures of speech from previous experiences (Davies and Harré, 1990). The men in this chapter all opted out of high-powered careers to become stay-at-home fathers and their previous experiences and the rhetoric attached to these was central to how they made sense of their new lifestyles. Their decisions to become stay-at-home fathers was one that they had made together with their spouses. Just like in a study of Spanish fathers who took paternity leave (Romero-Balsas et al., 2013), these men saw the decision to say at

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home and care for their children as a duty and the best thing to do for the family under the circumstances. The fact that they were doing it for the best of the family may have provided a sense of meaning and purpose and thus alleviated a loss of identity that they otherwise might have felt. Nevertheless, in their research of men who quit their jobs to follow their wives to other countries, Pajumets and Hearn (2012) found that the men’s life choices still challenged their sense of masculinity, as it involved childcare responsibilities – generally a woman’s role – and economic dependence on their wives. The men in the Pajumets and Hearn study use identity talk as a strategy to create so-called ‘respectable selves’ in order to cope with a situation, which, according to social norms, may be seen as emasculating. Failing to live up to pressures and expectations of hegemonic masculinity may cause feelings of shame and the men thus engage in identity talk to rebuild their masculinity and sense of significance. Their identity talk focused around family and culture on the one hand and work and economic success on the other. Pajumets and Hearn (2012) found both ‘hard’ and ‘soft’ discourses in their narratives. Hard discourses reinforced the male norm and included the positions of ‘professional man’ and ‘well off’, while the soft discourses included ‘caring father’, ‘supportive spouse’, and ‘civilized adult’, and potentially undermined the male norm. In the narratives of the stay-at-home fathers in this chapter, examples of ‘professional man’, ‘caring father’, and ‘supportive spouse’ can be clearly discerned. The narratives also contain elements of both distancing and embracing their positions as stay-at-home fathers (see Snow and Anderson, 1987). They draw on their professional identity as well as on their duty to care for their families to make sense of their choices and to cope with the loss of and threat to identity that giving up paid work to become a stay-at-home father might entail. In a study of 45 couples in the US, where the wives were all breadwinners and the husbands were stay-at-home fathers, Medved (2016) found that the men’s discourses and practices actually have an impact on hegemonic masculinity. They ironically both perpetuate hegemonic norms as well as resist and transform them. Stay-at-home fathers typically perpetuate hegemonic masculinity in three ways: by creating an image of them as protectors of their families and children, by maintaining a real or symbolic attachment to different types of work (both paid and unpaid), and by engaging in physical labor that is traditionally masculine around the home. As you will see, all three strategies are visible in the narratives of the stay-at-home fathers in this chapter. They were, in fact, present in all the narratives of the US stay-at-home fathers in my data set. For example, Christopher, who we will meet later in this chapter, speaks of what he does as providing for his family. He talks about protecting them and making sure they have everything they need. He uses a work rhetoric, which many of the other

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stay-at-home fathers in my study also do, to make sense of his role in the family. Finally, Christopher, in addition to doing reparations around the house, also prides himself in being the man others can turn to in the neighborhood if they need help. However, as mentioned above, the men’s discourses also resist and transform hegemonic masculinity. They have been found to do so when they talk about emotionality and caregiving, when they adapt their career ambitions to be able to care for their children, when they express gender neutrality in caregiving and work roles, and by being very aware of gender issues and discrimination (Medved, 2016). These issues are especially visible in Rick’s narrative, which we will see in Chapter Five. Medved (2016) also found that couples generally negotiated the unconventional division of roles and responsibilities early on in their marriages. I have found this to be true for all the stay-at-home fathers in my study; the decision to take an active role in the care of their children was made when they started planning a family. They simply decided that it was the best solution for the whole family, mainly due to their spouse’s high salary level and job security.

Joseph, the family man(ager) Joseph lives in a beautiful home with his husband and their three kids. He opted out of a successful corporate career to become a stay-at-home father. However, Joseph’s narrative differs from the other stay-at-home fathers’ narratives as he is the only one of my interviewees who is in a same-sex relationship. The process of becoming a parent was different for him and his husband than it was for the heterosexual couples in my data set and the gender dynamics do not play out in the same way in their family. Although Joseph and his husband have grown up and continue to live with the same gender norms as the other men in my data set, they are not faced with the same gendered expectations regarding division of care and household responsibilities as heterosexual couples are. In fact, studying same sex couples has been helpful for researchers to gain a greater understanding of gender roles and the extent to which norms are socially constructed (Umberson et al., 2015). Joseph opted out of a top position in the corporate world. He traveled the world for work and loved the pace and the excitement. He comments, “I was 110 % in and… it was an exciting time.” His husband had a successful career of his own and neither of them had any intention of slowing down nor did they plan to have any children. They had discussed it but it seemed to be more of a pipe dream considering their lifestyle and the effort it would involve.

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As Joseph was approaching 40, he was offered a promotion that would involve moving half-way across the globe to head up a division of the company. He turned the offer down as his husband was not prepared to give up his job in order to move abroad with him and Joseph did not want to sacrifice his relationship for a job. However, the promotion was an important one and he knew that turning it down would invariably affect his career. As a result, both his commitment and drive waned somewhat: I knew I wasn’t going to be moving up that corporate ladder because I didn’t choose to go abroad for an executive position and I think that took some of the joy out of it.

Soon after turning down the promotion, the situation in the company where Joseph worked started to become increasingly turbulent and there were lay-offs and restructuring planned. At the same time, Joseph’s brother, who is several years older, had his first child and it was in that moment that the thought came to Joseph that maybe it was still possible for him and his husband to start a family after all. He explains, In the moment… something clicked in my brain and I thought… that is it for me… This corporate world… you know seeing how people sacrifice their family life, their relationships… their support structures to work in an international business where you hopscotch from the Australian office to the Hong Kong office to Buenos Aires in two-year increments… People… would sort of lose the plot or they would become hyper focused on climbing the corporate ladder, so I knew I didn’t want to do that.

Joseph and his husband finally decided to start a family after all, which they were able to do with the help of a surrogate mother and they continued working full-time with the help of nannies. Joseph and his family loved their nannies, however, after a couple of years, Joseph started to wonder whether or not having other people care for their children was such a good set up after all: [The nannies were] really amazing women but they weren’t [the children’s] parents and there was always a time where I could see that they didn’t do what a parent would have done or what I would have done as a parent so that was really hard and I know I can’t be there all the time but I wanted to be there for more of those times than not and I started seeing that and it was a struggle and, you know, every day I started prioritizing their activities more than work.

As it happens, Joseph’s mother fell ill around that time, and as a result Joseph’s parents also needed help, which made the decision to stop working altogether easier:

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I just knew it was the right thing to do. I had had my career, I had sort of proven to myself, I had made my dad proud, become senior vice president. Like all those little boxes were ticked. Finally we were secure so I didn’t have to worry about that, which was a huge, huge thing to think about… so the only thing left was sort of my own internal ego and the machismo part and how to deal with that and it was a little bit awkward for maybe the first three months because I didn’t… know how to describe myself.

Joseph eventually started coming to terms with his new identity: I just became comfortable with it and started describing to people that I was a stay-at-home dad and now I’m completely comfortable with that but it was a little bit [uncomfortable for a] couple of months when I hadn’t quite figured out what my talking points were, you know, I had to have talking points.

The talking points he mentions were a way for Joseph to create a coherent narrative about his life choices both for himself and for others. While men and women have more freedom today to redefine their gender roles than previous generations have had, they are still constrained by existing social norms and structures, which can have an ambiguous effect on their sense of coherence (McNay, 2000). Creating a narrative provides a sense of agency, meaning, and coherence, which is needed to maintain a unified concept of the self, as well as simply to make it easier to explain one’s life choices to others (Linde, 1993; Ricoeur, 1991). The fact that Joseph lives in an area where there are not a lot of stay-at-home fathers does not make things easier. While he is friendly with women who find themselves in the same situation, he has no men who he can turn to, which can feel isolating: It’s mostly the wives, a really nice support network for me, [but] it is not the same, I can see it is not the same as all the wives who get together. It is definitely different… everyone is incredibly gracious, everyone is incredibly welcoming, everyone is incredibly accepting, but it is a different relationship to have a group of women supporting each other and then to have a man in that group so there are times when I feel a little bit isolated, but… I take pride in being able to do things on my own so I’m okay having a little bit of that isolation as long as I can go to someone when I need some kind of support.

His family has been very supportive of his choices, although he does feel frustrated by the gendered assumptions he has to deal with from other people. He also deals with gendered assumptions and doubts regarding his competence as a caretaker:

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[I’m] still surprised and less offended than I used to be… and I have to say, it’s mostly women [who] assume that I don’t know what I’m doing and I get that a lot […] [they assume] it’s daddy’s day out and I’m like, literally every day is daddy’s day out [laugh].

It is obvious he is especially irritated by heterosexual norms that other people project on his marriage. He talks about how, because he is the one who is at home with the children, he is sometimes confronted by assumptions that he is ‘the woman’ in their marriage. He mentions an incident at a party when their surrogate was expecting and a woman he knew came up to him and asked “so which one of you is going to be the mommy?” This infuriated him: I was so mad [laugh] just was like take a deep breath and said, ‘neither there’s going to be a daddy and a daddy, I’m going to go get a drink’ and I just walked away.

One of the things that strike me when interviewing Joseph is that the rhetoric he uses to describe his time at home with the children is detrimentally different from the way the women I have interviewed who have been in similar situations talk about their experiences (see Biese, 2017). Joseph creates a narrative of work to describe his role as a stay-at-home father and to make sense of what it is he does. A few years earlier, Joseph and his husband worked together at his husband’s company for a short period of time. Working together proved to be challenging, and Joseph looks back on this time as a very valuable experience that prepared them for sharing parenting responsibilities: [W]e worked together for nine months and literally almost killed each other but what we got out of that was that we need to divide and conquer, we need to communicate and we need to have really clear responsibilities, and when they overlap, we gotta have a plan of action […] That was a great model for how to figure out parenting and we follow that. Really clear definition of roles, clear dividing and conquering and when it overlaps you’ve got to have a plan.

Although unpaid care work is not generally valued and recognized as the work it is (Slaughter, 2015), Joseph sees his time as a stay-at-home father as work and feels he has a clear role in the family: I describe myself as a, I hate to say, a full-time dad but I don’t like to say stay-at-home dad either. I would say I am… sort of the manager of our life outside of [my husband’s] work, which includes kids, [it] includes properties, [it] includes travel … there’s a bunch of stuff that comes with it…

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Coping with threats to identity Becoming a stay-at-home father, or simply giving up a high salary and a successful job for something that pays less or is considered of lower status, was a threat to identity and masculinity to such a degree that Joseph felt he had to create a narrative of work to make up for the loss of identity (see also Breakwell, 1986). He uses words like manager, team, (work) roles, and action plan to describe what he and his husband do and how they divide care and household responsibilities. This identity work that Joseph has done is a process over time that is used to construct, adapt, and maintain a sense of personal identity, as well as to convince others of this (see also Rounds 2006). For the men in my study, creating narratives like the one Joseph created is also a way to add coherence and agency to their experiences (Linde, 1993). These narratives reflect much of the findings in the Pajumets and Hearn (2012) study that I cited earlier in this chapter. However, my interviews contained yet another category that was not included in the study, and that is a narrative of sports. Sports play an important role when it comes to masculinity, especially in the US, and several of the US men I interviewed mention sports as a way to assert their masculinity (see Kimmel, 2005). The world of sports represents a hypermasculine culture and research has shown that sports has played a large role in the US to socialize boys to be men (Anderson, 2009; Messner, 1989). It teaches them values and behaviors, including competing, toughness, and winning at all cost, which, as we saw in Chapter Three, are valued masculine characteristics and norms (Messner, 1989). Being a good athlete means being a winner, which means gaining recognition from adult males as well as higher status among peers. Although sports promise comradery and friendship, this is not necessarily always the case due to the competitive nature of sports, or at least to how sports are played. Those who are not seen as winners are quickly alienated or weeded out of the team (Messner, 1989). This has also been contested, or at least it does not reflect the whole story. Sports have also been found to be important in men’s relationships with each other. It provides a context where they can demonstrate closeness without having to verbalize it directly (Swain, 2004). Fostering the skill of communicating non-verbally, in turn, provides different ways of communicating intimacy. While physical gestures and contact are important in sports, they tend to have a distinct masculine style including things like handshakes, slaps on the back, and big bear hugs, in order to avoid the risk of being perceived as having a homosexual preference (Swain, 2004). Anderson (2009) describes sports as a male hegemony, where, for men, sports is equated with concepts like tough and unfeminine. In fact, Anderson further argues that separating men’s and women’s sports exacerbates this and

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has been found among men to add to feelings and attitudes of superiority over women. It is through the idealization of the strong, fit male body that sports contribute to upholding the idea of male dominance. Since the 19th century, the male body has been seen as a central symbol of masculinity that stands for discipline, stoicism, and the ability to withstand pain and discomfort. Research has found that sports generally remain important to men even after they leave sports to pursue other careers (Messner, 1989). Their athletic backgrounds add to their professional status and corporate executives in a study by Messner (1989) displayed trophies and other proof of their athletic accomplishments in their offices. Their previous status as athletes worked as a door opener. They continued to talk about, watch, and identify with sports, despite no longer having athletic careers, and used sports to validate their status within their peer groups and among colleagues (see also Anderson, 2009). In a more recent study, sports were found to be central among men when maintaining business networks (Holgersson, 2013). Interestingly, the importance of sports was found to have more to do with upholding their status among men than proving their masculinity to women, and was a way for men to prove both to themselves and to others that they have what it takes to survive (Glassner, 1989). The centrality of sports was only present in the interviews of US men in my data set. The men from the UK and Finland did not really make any references to sports, except for Kasper in Chapter One, who took up yoga to be able to deal with pressures at work better. Note, however, that many of the men I interviewed in the US had opted out to become stay-at-home fathers, while there was only one stay-at-home father in my dataset who was not from the US (Fred from the UK who we will meet in Chapter Five). A question therefore is, is this something that is specific to the US or does leaving work to care for children and taking on a traditionally feminine role pose a greater threat to identity than simply leaving a career to work on different terms? Either way, it seems that masculine identity talk was more prevalent among the US men I interviewed than it was for the others. Next, we will meet Christopher from the US. Christopher, like Joseph, also opted out to become a stay-at-home father, and as you will see, sports have a prominent role in his narrative, although he also uses work ideals to make sense of what he does.

Christopher: Providing for the family Christopher was a small-town doctor with his own practice when he met his wife. They lived very different lives; she lived in the city and had a career in investment banking and neither felt they wanted to or needed to give up their life-

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styles. When they got married, they continued to live separately during the week, and spent time together mainly on weekends and during holidays. However, after they started expecting their first child, they realized they needed to re-evaluate their situation. With a baby on the way, they decided it was time to move in together and start living as a family. Christopher’s wife had been building a career for many years. She also earned more than he did in his practice and had the necessary insurances and benefits they needed at the time. Therefore, they decided that Christopher would sell his house and practice and move in to her home and then find a job in the city. However, after the baby was born, they did not feel comfortable with someone else raising their child and they decided that the right thing for them to do would be to care for the child at home. Christopher had not yet found a new job and they agreed that he would stay home full-time and care for their daughter while his wife went back to work after her two-month maternity leave. The transition was not easy. Moving closer to the city was hard; Christopher was used to the large open spaces of the countryside and living close to nature. Also, moving in together after having lived apart was an adjustment for both of them. Nevertheless, while it was an adjustment, the loss of professional identity does not seem to have been that big of an issue for Christopher, at least so he claims. Christopher loves the outdoors and the baby was easy to bring along on long walks. He explains: Basically, at the beginning… I just got a Baby Bjorn and continued my life and we obviously worked around her feeding and napping schedule but we basically… strapped her on and kept doing everything that [we were used to doing] so she was always hiking and walking dogs and getting lugged around.

Christopher joined mommy and me classes and quickly made new friends among the mothers. He found he was actually more comfortable in this female sphere than he was with his male friends: [I] ended up making friends and […] I just get along better with women than I get along with guys… I have a couple of guy friends [but] for the most part I find that my guy friends get contentious. I don’t know if it is their competitive nature or what and the women are just easier to get along with and talk with and be with.

He quickly adds that he has always been involved in his children’s sports activities as a coach or a manager and how being able to do that feels very meaningful. This gives me a glimpse of the cognitive dissonance and threat to masculinity that breaking gender norms may entail. Talking about it may also simply be a

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strategy on Christopher’s part to put others at ease so that they do not feel threatened or concerned by Christopher’s unconventional choices. Christopher has enjoyed the less hectic pace of caring for children compared to the often-stressful work pace he had before opting out and to the way he sees other parents juggle work with family: [S]ome people… their lives are insane… I don’t know why anyone would want to live life just to the point where you’re a fireman… you’re just running around and putting [out fires]… you’re never caught up… it’s just always getting from A to B… getting stuff done… I just don’t get people. Their lives are just so crazy half the time. I guess it’s just non-stop for 16 hours a day… You’re missing something.

When he says this, he lowers his voice until he is speaking in a whisper. It is as if he is sharing a secret and voicing values and opinions that are not okay to say out loud. He continuously gets a lot of questions from family and friends regarding when he will get a job. He continues to be a stay-at-home father despite the fact that both his children are in school by now. Had he been a woman, his choices would not have been questioned to the same degree. However, Christopher is by no means idle during the day. When he talks about all his activities, including the volunteer and community work he does, his day sounds very busy, although it does not entail “putting out fires”. As he talks about it, it becomes clear what a strong work ethic Christopher has. In fact, he talks about his unpaid care work as one would talk about paid work. He talks about his family as “the team” and makes sure that he does a full work day before his children get home from school. He is also acutely aware of the fact that he is not contributing financially to the well-being of the family, that it falls on his wife, and he does not want her to become resentful of him and think that he is not doing his part or that his work is not worthwhile. When he talks about what he does during the day, he points out that he never “cheats”. By this, he means doing things that are just for fun or just for him, like meeting friends or going for a run. Instead he gets up at 5:30 in the morning and runs before his wife and children wake up. He makes one exception and that is taking his dogs for long walks. However, he adds that taking the dogs out is, in fact, also good for the family as they are much calmer in the evenings if they have exercised. He explains, I do my best not to be selfish with the time, I don’t want to make [my wife] resent[ful]… For the most part I always try to spend my day doing things for the team. […] I’ll get up in the dark and I’ll be out running by 5.30 in the morning, you know, pretty much every day. Or I could sleep in and let [my wife] go to work and [my kids] go to school and go running now [during the day] but… to me that’s cheating […] But for the most part I try to take… the time that [my kids and wife] are in school and work… whether it’s errands, grocery shopping, meal prepa-

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ration, volunteering… so I’ll at least be a team player during those hours and not be a selfish guy […] I don’t ever go out for lunch or meet anybody […] because my mindset is this is my job and I need to do things to help, to help out the family while [my wife] is working.

The way Christopher talks about his family and his role, sounds a lot like a father who provides for his family to make sure that they have everything they need. The only difference is that what he provides is not money but another type of support: My number one thing in […] what makes me happy is making their lives easier and better and more fun. That’s the number one thing that brings me joy… seeing them happy… and being able to do what they want to do. That’s by far my happy point right now.

Christopher has no plans of ever going back to paid work, despite continuously getting asked by friends and family when he will do so. Besides, the longer he waits, the harder it will be to go back to practicing medicine. He comments, As far as going back to a regular job or anything, I don’t think I would […] I feel fulfilled with what we’re doing in this point in time. Also, just age-wise I love this age [the kids are right now] and I also know that the time we have together is limited because [in] three, four years I’m probably not going to be much more than a car pooler and then [they are] going to get [their driver’s] license and then I’ll be nothing more than a nuisance and then [they will] go to college so… I don’t want to miss this… and by the time that’s over I’m going to be 57, 58 and it’s going to be pretty difficult to get back into my profession…

By being a stay-at-home father, caring for the kids and the household, and being financially dependent on his wife, Christopher does not live up the social ideals or norms of masculinity, but chooses to live his life in a way that is meaningful to him and his family, despite the pressure he gets from those around him. His narrative illustrates how there are different ways of being a man and of performing masculinity. Nevertheless, it is also clear that this creates some cognitive dissonance for him and he needs to justify what he is doing by not “cheating”, by being useful, and by working hard at all times during the work day. He deals with this cognitive dissonance by creating a narrative that is in line with social masculine ideals and norms. The next section will look more closely at friendship and intimacy among men. This is an issue that Christopher struggled with, as does Michael, who we will meet later in the chapter.

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Friendship and intimacy Hegemonic masculine norms and expectations are also reflected in men’s relationships to others and in the social constraints imposed on men that inhibit them in their friendships. Men’s friendships with other men have been found to be more about sociability than intimacy, or framed with slightly different words, more about networking rather than being emotionally dependent on another (Garfinkel, 1989). Harrison et al. (1989) propose that men are in a double bind of sorts. As the social norm for men includes an expectation of being competitive, noncommunicative, and evaluated in terms of external achievement rather than personal or interpersonal fulfillment, their basic human needs of closeness and intimacy may go unmet. However, if they do not live up to these social expectations, they are, in turn, considered unmanly. Trying to avoid being found out or seen as not masculine enough, thus typically leads to exaggerated activities and shows of masculinity to prevent this. A consequence of this may be a chronic sense of inadequacy, which can make men afraid or wary of opening up to other men to prevent being found out or being seen as a fraud (Kimmel, 2005). Men have thus been found to disclose less to other men than to women. Due to the double bind, it may simply be easier for men to open up to women and female friends, as it was for Christopher, and, in turn, disclose less to other men (Garfinkel, 1989). Strikwerda and May (1992) liken male friendships to relationships between young children who play in close proximity to each other but do not really interact, what is known as ‘parallel play’. For men, this may mean sitting quietly next to each other in a bar, unconcerned about the lack of conversation. Companionship like this is, of course, fine and enjoyable, however, if all relationships are like this it tends to lead to a deficiency. Also, if men are only intimate with and open up to female friends or partners, they are cut off from having deeply rewarding relationships with men, as well as upholding the gendered pattern of women doing most if not all of the emotional work. This can be debilitating for men. Strikwerda and May (1992) also talk about ‘comradeship’ as a form of friendship between men that may pass for intimacy. It involves sharing traditional male experiences that lead men to talk on a very personal level. This may include shared experiences of war, for example, and the bond formed may last after the experience has ended. This type of comradeship involves unquestioned loyalty between the men. Although loyalty is generally seen as a positive trait, it can also be problematic as unquestioned loyalty and the lack of reflection can lead to serious and destructive consequences. One example of this is the problem of rape in fraternity houses on US college campuses (Martin and Hummer, 1989).

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However, when it comes to the reluctance to open up to other men, there is also another dimension. There is a fear among men to be perceived as gay, especially by other men. Interestingly this homophobia is not a phobia of gay men, but of themselves being seen as something other than a ‘real man’ (Kimmel, 2005). This fear can lead to an exaggeration of masculine stereotypes, sexist behavior towards women as well as towards gay men, and discriminatory behavior towards other men who are not a part of the dominant group. Homophobia is thus, according to Kimmel (2005), a central, cultural principle of how manhood is defined as well as interwoven with sexism and racism. However, they cannot or will not recognize this fear of recognition as one of the prerequisites of manliness is fearlessness itself. By not doing so they stay silent and the silence is what keeps the system going (Kimmel, 2005). Homophobia has thus arguably come to be a central and defining part of what it means to be masculine. As Lehne (1989: 424) comments, “Homophobia is a threat used by societies and individuals to enforce social conformity in the male role and maintain social control.” The hegemonic masculine position must be constantly earned and maintained. Therefore, if men perceive that they are losing their masculine status, they may overcompensate by expressing homophobic views and attitudes that favor male superiority (Vandello & Bosson, 2013; Willer et al., 2013). In other words, it encourages certain types of male behavior and can be damaging to men and their relationship as close relationships are difficult to maintain in a competitive environment where power is so closely associated with what it means to be a man (Lehne, 1989; Kimmel, 2005). However, Anderson (2009) argues that while the study of masculinities in the 20th century has centered around homophobia, aggression, stoicism, and a rejection of the feminine, masculinities in the 21st century are much more inclusive. He has developed the Inclusive Masculinity Theory to illustrate how gender codes can ‘soften’ and men today can more openly show emotion and forge close friendships based on emotional disclosure. He has introduced the concept ‘homohysteria’, which represents a social context where homophobia regulates men’s behavior and argues that there will be profound changes in masculinities when homohysteria decreases. Anderson uses his theory to explain the generational and cultural difference and contends that homophobia has been found to have decreased among younger men. Non-conforming masculinities are more accepted and femininity in men is less stigmatized, which shows that there has been a fundamental change in the practices and performances of masculinities despite the continued prevalence of covert homophobia and heteronormativity (Anderson, 2009). Despite gender differences, studies have found that men and women value intimacy in friendship to an equal extent. While men have been found to be

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less likely than women to show feelings like sadness and fear, they score higher on non-verbal decoding skills and have been found to consider their friendships more spontaneous and trusting than women do (Swain, 2004). However, while both men and women reportedly value intimacy in friendships to the same degree, research has also found that they have different ways of understanding intimacy. While men tend to prefer joint activities with friends, like helping out with tasks, and women show a preference for talking, it has been suggested that men engage in a wider range of intimate behaviors than women do. This includes self-disclosure as well as cues and meanings that create a feeling of intimacy (Caldwell and Peplau, 1982). Both ways of expressing intimacy – verbally and non-verbally, or in a feminine or masculine way – have advantages and disadvantages (Swain, 2004). Feminine intimacy has been found to be good for expressing emotional problems and acknowledging fears and weaknesses, while a masculine way of expressing intimacy may be more productive when dealing with fears, weaknesses, or other difficulties, as it opens up productive solutions for dealing with these. However, both strategies are needed for a balanced approach and a healthy and productive life (Swain, 2004). A study conducted by Way (2013) of 135 predominantly African American, Latino, and Asian American boys in the US, revealed that before reaching manhood and conforming to gender expectations and norms, boys have intimate relationships with other boys and speak openly about the love they feel for them. The main result of the study was that boys feel that it is important to be able to share secrets with their close friends, that close friendships are important for mental health, and that they lose these close friendships as they go from boyhood to manhood despite expressing a desire to continue such friendships. The loss of friendships as boys grow into men is explained mainly through cultural norms and conventions of masculinity, an individualized society that calls for autonomy and independence, and emotional stoicism. Earlier studies of friendships among boys have almost entirely been devoid of discussions of closeness, as boys have been assumed to be uninterested in close relationships by nature. However, this assumption is a relatively recent trend. In other cultures, and also historically in the US, boys and men have been encouraged to have close male friends. This study is important because it overthrows what has been assumed to be human nature, or at least male nature. In reality the opposite is true; the reason we have thrived as a species is because we are social beings who care, think, and feel (see Way, 2013). Way (2013) argues that we need to reexamine what it means to be male and her study also adds to the research that challenges previous beliefs that consider competition, aggression, and power as defining human attributes. Way (2013: 211) concludes,

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[W]hat would it mean to let boys be boys by fostering their natural empathetic abilities and their intimate friendships? […] If we listen closely […] to both boys and girls during adolescence, we will begin to remember what we knew all along: What makes us human is our ability to deeply connect with others and we must figure out ways to strengthen these critical life skills […] Then, perhaps, growing up might become […] good for boys’ health…

Another more recent study suggests that young men today get more emotional satisfaction from close male friendships – or so-called ‘bromances’ – than they do from romantic relationships with women (Robinson et al., 2017). While close male companionship became something of a taboo during the second half of the 20th century due to changing masculinities, intimate male friendships have started to become more socially accepted again. Robinson et al. (2017) conducted a survey among 30 mostly white, male, heterosexual college students with sports-related majors. All the participants reported having at least one bromance or bromantic friend with whom they shared intimacy, such as disclosing secrets, discussing intimate matters, expressing love, and sleeping in the same bed. All but one had reportedly also cuddled with a bromantic friend. They reported experiencing less judgment from their bromantic friends than they did from their girlfriends, and they also found it was easier to deal with and overcome conflicts with their bromantic friends. It is important to note that these findings, based on 30 respondents, may not be applicable to a wider group of men. However, it does point to changing masculinities and to the fact that the stereotypes of the inexpressive male do not necessarily apply to all either. In the next section, we will meet Michael who left a career to become a stay-athome father. Although he is a married, heterosexual male with a wife and children, like Christopher, he finds it easier to relate to women and feels closer to the mothers in his neighborhood than he does to the other fathers. He finds this a little bit problematic as it may be seen as suspicious by others, not least by the other fathers in his social circles.

Michael and negotiating gender Booking a time for an interview with Michael proved to be tricky. It was not because he was reluctant to be interviewed, on the contrary, he was more than willing to talk to me. It was because he is very busy at work and last-minute things kept coming up. Our interview was postponed two or three times before we finally manage to meet. However, having difficulties finding the time for an interview is a relatively new problem for Michael. He has been back in the work force for

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about four or five years now, but before that he was a full-time stay-at-home father for about ten years. Michael majored in sociology in college, and after graduating he started working for a non-profit organization. It was around this time that he met his wife. Michael and his wife got married and before long started expecting their first child. Both of their parents lived far away in different parts of the country, so when their first child was born they did not get any help from the extended family. They were not comfortable with having strangers care for their daughter and decided that one of them should stay at home and be a full-time caregiver. Michael’s wife already had an established career and made more than Michael, and together they decided that the best solution would be for Michael to stay at home with their daughter. Michael had decided quite early on, long before he actually became a father, that he wanted to be more present in his children’s lives than his own father was. Although Michael’s father was “compassionate and loving”, he was just rarely around due to his job. Michael explains, I felt I wanted to have a different role […] He had other priorities and… when I was growing up and making decisions about how I wanted to follow my path, that was something I was conscious of. I wanted to make space so that I could be with my children and my family.

Men have been found to look to their own fathers as either positive role models to model their own fathering off of, or negative role models that they reject and instead compensate for (Coltrane, 1996; Snarey, 1993). In fact, Coltrane (1996) found that wanting to compensate for a lack of involvement was much more common among men than having had positive roles models to mimic. Michael’s decision to take on the responsibility of the care of their child was, like for Christopher, a decision that he made with his spouse. This was something that Coltrane (1996) also found. The reasons the men and women in his study typically gave for dividing care responsibilities the way they did was that it was the best solution for their children and the family as a whole, as well as being the most economically feasible solution. We see this also in Michael’s narrative. Michael’s wife had a more established career and higher salary than Michael did at the time their first child was born. One might have expected it to be a difficult change for him, as the dramatic change of going from having a hectic job and a successful career to not working at all can be hard (see Biese, 2017). However, instead, Michael talks about how the transition was quite easy for him:

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It was… wonderful, it was magical […] it was a very exciting time because it was our first child… and everything was new. We were learning a lot so I think the decision to stop working and to be at home really felt very natural and I felt very comfortable with it […] It was… a very happy time of my life and something… I really look back fondly [on]. It was very exciting also because I was making a lot of new friends with other people that had kids […] and actually I was able to do a lot of things that I always wished I could have done. I went to museums every day […] I was able to do lots of things and it was like a whole new world. I wasn’t limited by sitting at a desk.

Michael was immediately comfortable in his role as a stay-at-home father. In fact, he explains that he finds it easier to relate to the mothers in his neighborhood who are full-time caregivers than to the fathers who, on the most part, are the main breadwinners of their families. He comments, I have a lot of interests that aren’t necessarily pigeon holed into the, you know, like stereotypical interests for men […] When all the parents are together I can talk to the women easier. It comes much more natural[ly] [to me] to talk to the women about what the kids are doing and all that stuff than to talk to the dads.

When he and his family socialize with other families, he just finds talking to the women easier, and to this day, although he is no longer at home full-time, he finds it difficult to relate to the fathers and to the topics they talk about. This can, according to Michael, be awkward because as a father you cannot ask a mother to go out for a beer with you just because they are the ones you would rather talk to and be friends with. For that reason, he has not really seen any of the mothers he used to socialize with since he started working. Research has shown that men who are more willing to reject hegemonic masculinity tend to cross gender roles more easily and do not avoid doing tasks that are traditionally considered women’s tasks. They are thus typically also more involved in childcare (see Suwada, 2017). However, having the role as the main caregiver was, at times, problematic in Michael’s relationship with his wife. As Michael comments, It was hard on my wife because she was seeing that I was doing what she felt that she should be doing and that’s something that has been a point of contention [for us].

The fact that Michael started to be known among family and friends as “the one who is really good with kids” did not help either. For his wife, breaking gendered norms of what makes a good mother and woman (see Kristeva, 1985) was the cause of cognitive dissonance as well as making her feel insecure in their relationship.

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When their youngest child started school, Michael felt pressured by his wife to start looking for a job. Had it been up to him, he would probably have continued being a stay-at-home father, but living where they did was expensive and once they had school tuition to pay it started becoming difficult to make ends meet. They simply needed a second salary. While becoming a stay-athome father had been easy for Michael, transitioning back into the labor market was much harder. He talks about not feeling “as comfortable as other people” in the work setting and that the culture of work is, after almost five years, still something he is getting used to. He has organized his work so that he can be there for his children when they need him. He works from home a lot and feels lucky because he can continue being available to his children and picks them up from school as often as he can, although when he does it also means that he needs to catch up on work at night. Although Michael is more comfortable with women than with men and would rather not work than pursue a career, it is clear that it is a cause of cognitive dissonance for him as well as a threat to his masculine identity since it does not adhere to the social expectations and norms. His is affected by the expectation of being a breadwinner and of having a career, and says that although he is not driven by his career, he also appreciates the importance of being able to support his family, or at least to contribute to supporting his family. As he talks about this, he also mentions another stay-at-home father he knows who has not gone back to work despite his children being older and doing a full day at school. While he talks about being happy not working and only doing it because he has to, this pressure to work and support his family makes him judgmental and quite critical of this stay-at-home father who has resisted that pressure and has no plans to start working again. In addition, although he has just stated that a career is not important to him, later on in the interview he talks about his only regret being that he is about 10 years behind his peers in his career. Those he went to college with have advanced to higher positions in organizational hierarchies than he has as they did not take time off to care for children. He calls it a “failure” on his part. Nevertheless, towards the end of the interview, when talking about what is important to him, he once again plays down the importance of having a career: So, the career is not something that I really feel is [important], it’s something I do but I don’t think that that’s what defines me and really that’s… probably one of the problems I have now with my career, I have a hard time having a… path, I don’t see clearly where I should be in ten years. I have never been able to do that. […] It’s important to me to be tolerant and to be humble and to enjoy life… I think that I tried… to make decisions that would… enable us to just be happy. That’s probably why I don’t make as much money as other people [laugh]… I’m happy generally with how things are going.

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It is clear how ambivalent Michael feels about masculine norms on the one hand, and living up to these norms on the other. Although he does not necessarily want a career, or even to work, he is affected by the social expectation of what it means to be a ‘real’ man. He mentions that he has had to spend a lot of time defending his choices to others, and although he seems to embrace who he is, he still compares himself to those who have come further in their careers than he has. He sees it as a failure on his part, and perhaps also as a threat to his masculinity. He feels pressured by his wife, his family, and his friends, and his story is illustrative of just how difficult it can feel for a man to break free from societal norms and expectation.

Masculinity in crisis? In this chapter we have looked out how men who break hegemonic masculine norms deal with the threat to identity and masculinity that it entails. As we saw in Chapter Three, hegemonic masculinity describes no man and hegemonic masculine norms are difficult, if not impossible, to live up to. However, by becoming stay-at-home fathers and being dependent on their spouses financially, the men in this chapter broke several masculine norms, including not being able to support their family financially and taking on what is traditionally a woman’s role. They especially used narratives of work to makes sense of their choices and their new lifestyles. We have also looked at friendship and intimacy between men and learned that ideals seem to be changing, arguably for the better. Every once in a while, you will hear someone suggest that manhood or masculinity is in crisis; that men are not allowed to be men anymore and boys are not allowed to just be boys. Some long for the more ‘uncomplicated’ days of the 1950’s when gender roles were clearly defined and being a man was a clear and unambiguous concept (Whitehead and Barrett, 2001). However, there is little evidence of masculinity being threatened and this idea that manhood is in crisis is not a new concept, nor is it unique to this particular time in which we live (Whitehead and Barrett, 2001). Solomon-Godeau (1995: 70) argues that masculinity is, “like capitalism, always in crisis. And the real question is how to both manage to restructure, refurbish, and resurrect themselves for the next historical turn.” As I explored in Chapter One, the issue of crisis is also inherently a part of high modernity and this fast-changing time in which we live (Giddens, 1991). Selfidentity is threatened when individual and collective goals no longer seem adequate. Since we live in a state of on-going change and development in contemporary society, we also find ourselves in a constant state of crisis where we need

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to adapt as well as redefine and reinvent who we are in relation to the world around us (see also Biese, 2017). In a time where old definitions of masculinity no longer work but new definitions are not yet established, we tend to search for timeless and transcendent definitions of manhood (Kimmel, 2005). However, masculine ideals have never been static, but rather a subject of fashion and ideals of specific times (Whitehead and Barrett, 2001). Still, traditional masculine norms and values continue to prevail and the crisis men experience today does not have so much to do with changes in masculinity as it has to do with job insecurity and the inability to rely on secure employment (Whitehead and Barrett, 2001). Within the scope of feminist research and gender equality studies, we talk about patriarchal society and the power men have. We talk about men’s privilege, discrimination, violence, and men’s physical power and control over others. However, ironically, although men have a position of power in society, many individual men generally do not feel very powerful. Many experience powerlessness and although men as a group may be powerful, as individuals they may feel they do not have any power at all (Kimmel, 2005). This is a question of group versus individual as well as one of class and race. Although we talk about different masculinities, the norm which sets the standard is the white, early middle-aged, heterosexual, able-bodied man, and a majority of men are disempowered by discrimination due to class, race, ethnicity, age, and sexual preference (Kimmel, 2005). In addition, the failure to measure up to a standard that one cannot possibly live up to leads to confusion and pain (Kimmel, 2005). It is sometimes suggested, within the scope of school reforms, that there is a war against boys, which pits girls at an advantage. However, research has shown that this is a false assumption (Kimmel, 2004). Any problems boys seem to have in school – sitting still or performing as well as girls – has little to do with educational reforms. On the contrary, new initiatives and teaching practices are actually better for boys too and enable a larger number of boys to get a good education. There is no opposition between girls and boys in this context; enabling girls to get an education does not take anything away from the boys (Kimmel, 2004). One problem is rather the way boys are stereotypically perceived in society, especially by those who worry about boys being pushed out. They are seen as aggressive, rambunctious, and competitive (Kimmel, 2004). This stereotypical and essentialist understanding of what it means to be male easily becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, or at least does not open up other roads and roles for boys to take. In addition, the argument that testosterone is what makes a boy act aggressively is also too easy an explanation. Research has shown that testosterone does actually not cause aggression. While it is an enabler, what happens is

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that aggression produces testosterone. This is true also for testosterone levels in women (see Kimmel, 2004). The real crisis is thus not that boys are being pushed out or that men are not allowed to be men. The real crisis is of another nature. It is male violence in different forms among teens, youth, adults, and gangs, higher rates of suicide among boys and men than women and girls, and health issues specific to men (Kimmel, 2004, 2005; OECD Data, see also WHO, 2010). Beck and BeckGernsheim (2002) argue that part of the problem today is that due to feminism and gender equality initiatives, women have changed faster than men. As Whitehead and Barrett (2001) contend, the changes in society are not a direct result of men and masculinities changing, but have come about despite men. In the next chapter, I will talk about gender roles in society, how they are changing, and what that means for both men and women.

Chapter 5 Fathers and gender equality [T]he stay-at-home dad. Or as I’ve seen in some American publications, the SAHD. And yes, it is pronounced ‘sad’ – as if we needed any stronger indication of the high regards in which men that look after children are held. Gideon Burrows (2013: 32) Oh my God, he can change a diaper, he’s amazing. Rick (stay-at-home father from the US)

The original aim of my research project, in addition to researching men opting out, was to explore new meanings of work. Therefore, I was especially interested in interviewing men who had left successful careers to develop and adopt new or alternative ways of working. I did not specifically look for men who had left the workforce altogether to become stay-at-home fathers, but I did not rule them out either. In my previous research on women opting out, I had seen that, while children certainly play a part when it comes to opting out, they are, contrary to popular belief, not generally the main reason why individuals decide to leave (Biese, 2017). There is usually a myriad of reasons that lie behind decisions to opt out, two major factors being workplace cultures and well-being. However, when I set out to interview men on opting out in the US, my research took an interesting turn. I had already started interviewing men in Finland and in the UK, and none of them, bar one, were stay-at-home fathers. This did not surprise me as legislated parental leaves and subsidized daycare are available in both countries to different degrees in order to make combining work with family easier for both men and women (see Introduction). Finland and the UK do not have the same nanny and stay-at-home mother tradition as among middle-class families in the US, where high-quality, affordable daycare is not readily available (Williams and Boushey, 2010; Still, 2006). In the US, where there is a lack of nation-wide family policies, families often have to rely on private sources of care (Orloff and Monson, 2002). Still, women continue to be mainly responsible for care in all three countries (Biese, 2017; McKie and Callan, 2012), and therefore I really did not expect to find a lot of stay-at-home fathers to interview anyway. However, as I was planning my trip to the US to conduct interviews, the person helping me set them up told me that, although finding potential interviewees had been relatively easy, it was surprisingly difficult to get many of them to agree to an interview. I had never experienced this before, not with the women I had interviewed in Finland and the US for my previous research project on opting out, nor with the men I had already interviewed in Finland and in the UK. As https://doi.org/10.1515/9783110725797-007

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I explain in the Introduction, I have found that people who opt out and in are generally quite keen to talk about their experiences. However, as it turned out, the situation among men in the US was a bit different. Most of the men we contacted who had opted out to adopt alternative solutions for work declined our invitations to participate in my study, while the men who had left their careers to care for children full-time did not. One reason for this may be cultural differences. Gender roles in the US have been found to be more traditional and there is more of a macho culture compared to both the UK and Finland (see for example Kimmel, 2005). The global corporate economy has helped create what Connell (1998) terms a transnational business masculinity (see also Connell and Wood, 2005), which may make opting out of a certain way of working a threat to masculine identity (see Borve and Bungum, 2015). At the same time, the rise of caring masculinities and so call new fatherhood has arguably become a part of hegemonic masculinities as fathers increasingly are involved in the care of their children (Coltrane, 1996; Brandth and Kvande, 1998; Hofmeister and Baur, 2015; Borve and Bungum, 2015; Elliott, 2016). Leaving to take care of children, which also involves an element of doing what is best for the family, may thus consciously or subconsciously be considered a valid reason to opt out, while leaving to do something else might not. In the US, I ended up interviewing mostly men who had at some point been or still were stay-at-home fathers. While these men left the workforce, either for a period of time or indefinitely, they still opted in to a, for them, new form of work. They gave up their paid work and instead started doing unpaid work, which taking care of children and the household is. Unfortunately, this type of work is not considered as important or prestigious as paid work (Slaughter, 2015). Either way, including stay-at-home fathers in my research was, in many ways, very helpful and informative. Their narratives provided valuable insights into the workings of identity and changing masculinities, and how these play out in the choices men make. Most men become fathers, whether or not they decide to become stay-at-home fathers, and the experience of fatherhood has a deep and profound effect on male identity as well as being an important element in defining masculinity (Suwada, 2017). In addition, the institution of family is intimately linked to the production and reproduction of gendered practices and roles (Ridgeway and Correll, 2004). Studying fathers and families may therefore provide insights into how contemporary couples make sense of these roles and practices, how they define paid and unpaid work, and how the meanings they attribute to work evolve as they navigate the challenges they face in their every-day lives. As Suwada (2017: 4) notes in her book Men, Fathering and the

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Gender Trap, “fatherhood should be seen as an area in which men have to face often-confusing expectations and deal with their gender.” This chapter is thus dedicated to the fathers in my study who gave up paid work to stay at home full-time with their children. Just like the other men in my study, they have struggled with issues of identity and masculinity. They have had to forge new identities as well as use different strategies and coping mechanisms to make sense of their new roles. Going against social norms is not easy, and the quotes at the beginning of this chapter by Gideon Burrows and Rick from my data set describe just how complex and ambiguous the experience can be for fathers. The first quote is from Burrows’ (2013) book Men Can Do It! The real reason dads don’t do childcare and what men and women should do about it. Burrows based this book on his time as a stay-at-home father and it includes funny and poignant tales of his experiences, of others’ reactions to his situation, and of why more men are not taking on the main responsibility of the care of their children even though they can. (The main reason they do not, according to Burrows, is that it is tedious and they do not have to.) The second quote is of a man who I interviewed in the US and who you will meet in this chapter. He talks about the ambiguity of being a stay-at-home father, of how people may be suspicious of a man who wants to be around children on the one hand, but who celebrate men who do take an active role in the care or their children on the other. In this chapter, I will be talking about traditional masculinities, new fatherhood, and caring masculinities. I will be looking at the social structures and gender norms that sustain a certain division of roles between men and women, and exploring the issue of men as (natural) caregivers. In addition to Rick, we will meet Fred and Phil. Phil, like Rick, is from the US and Fred is from the UK, the only stay-at-home father in my data set who is not from the US. All three opted out of corporate careers, either temporarily or indefinitely, to take care of their children full-time.

Traditional versus new fatherhood: What is traditional or new about it? By being the main caregivers of their children, the men in this chapter are breaking the social norms for what is expected of a father. Ever since the industrial revolution, when the family shifted from being a producing to a consuming unit, there has been a dualism of public versus private spheres in society (Kinser, 2010). The public sphere of men consisted of politics and paid work, while especially middle-class women were assigned to the private realm of the home and given a domestic and maternal role. One reason was that someone needed to

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stay at home and care for the children as working in the industries took employees (often the man) away from the home (Kinser, 2010). Although this duality of the private versus public spheres is historically a relatively recent concept, it has become so engrained in the structures of society that it can be difficult to question. Today, while most women work outside the home and modern couples increasingly share the care of their children, women continue to be mainly responsible for care in society and for household chores, while men are expected to be breadwinners and to be able to support their families (McKie and Callan, 2012; Tinsley et al., 2015). The duality of the public and private spheres has led to a socially constructed understanding of what the role of the father is and should be in a child’s life. The industrial revolution and this dualism has also meant new meanings of fatherhood. Since work in the industries kept fathers out of the house most of the day, they were no longer present in the everyday routines of their children’s upbringing. This was a change to pre-industrialization ideals, where fathers were authoritative figures and a visible presence, responsible for their children’s moral and spiritual development. In the case of a divorce or separation, pre-industrial children would typically remain in the father’s care and not the mother’s (Coltrane, 1996). However, this changed when fathers were taken out of the home and stopped being involved in day-to-day activities with their children. As the responsibility of parenting was placed mainly on the mother, fathers were simply not considered as important anymore when it came to influencing a child’s development and upbringing (Parke, 1981). The father’s role came to mainly foster creativity, individualism, and sex-role identification, as well as to be important male role models, called upon to teach their sons how to be ‘real’ men, as the mothers’ feminine influence of young boys now became a concern (Coltrane, 1996). However, fatherhood continues to evolve and as women increasingly take part in public life, fathers have become more involved in the every-day care of their children, especially since the 1970’s and 1980’s. Nevertheless, despite their increased participation in domestic responsibilities, household work continued to be the main responsibility of the wife and mother, which is still true today well into in the 21st century (Coltrane, 1996; McKie and Callan, 2012). The nature of men’s involvement with children is also different. They have been found to be more involved in sports and play, while women are more often responsible for mundane, routine chores (see for example Coltrane, 1996). Since fathers have again become more actively involved in the actual care of their children, a new concept has emerged in academic research in recent years called ‘new fatherhood’ (Burnett et al., 2013; Gregory and Millner, 2011). New fatherhood describes the active role many fathers today take when it comes to car-

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ing for their children. It is important because it challenges and reconstructs hegemonic masculinities as well as redefining gender relations, allowing men to form deep connections and relationships with their children. It benefits both the father and the child greatly, and it has a positive impact on men’s relationships with their partners (Feldman and Gran, 2016). However, it not only affects men’s relationships to their children and their partner, but can, according to Dowd (2000), also be seen as an emancipatory project for men, women, and all of society. Men’s participation in care is crucial in order for there to be any hope in achieving gender equality in society, both in the public and private spheres (see also Suwada, 2017; Slaughter, 2015). This includes providing women with equal opportunities but also providing men with the possibility of having equal access to having close relationships with their children. However, as we will see in this chapter, this is not always easy. Both men and women participate in reifying the gender structures that form family life (see also Deeney et al., 2012; Suwada, 2017). Research has indicated that a mother’s perception of the paternal role in a family is a much better predictor of a father’s involvement than the father’s own perception (see Pajumets, 2010). Fathers receive a lot of complex and mixed messages regarding their role in the family, however, the complexity men experience in their parental roles and how this affects equality or inequality within that family sphere has not received that much attention (Oláh et al., 2002). Hobson and Morgan (2002) have developed a model that presents three levels of interdependencies to illustrate just how complex fatherhood can be for men. The three levels include the welfare regime-institutional triangle, the domestic-relational triangle, and finally the fatherhood triangle, and together they capture the complexity between institutions and practices. Each triangle or level has three factors that are all dependent of each other. They visualize the interplay between the experience of the father and the everyday practices of parents on the one hand, and the relational and institutional practices that have a defining effect on how fathers make sense of and approach fatherhood and fathering on the other. The first level, the welfare regime-institutional triangle, consists of the market, the state, and the family. It includes social policies and state-provided benefits and services, such as subsidized daycare. It also includes the organizational aspect, specifically what policies or practices employers encourage or adhere to. In addition, it includes family policies, for example, maternity, paternity, and parental leave, which can encourage or discourage men from taking on more caring responsibilities. The second level is the domestic-relational triangle, which consists of the relationship between the spouses or the parents of the child on the one hand, and the parent-child relationship on the other, and specifically describes the power relations within the

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family. An example of this is economic dependency of one parent on the other. The third level is the fatherhood triangle, which consists of the father, fatherhood, and fathering. By dividing a man’s experience into three specific areas, we can gain a better understanding of the different aspects of being a father and the effect they have. The father represents the attachment of parental obligations to an individual. This does not have to be a biological father but a person who acts as a father. Fatherhood describes the rights, duties, responsibilities, and social expectations placed on the father in the society in which he resides. Finally, fathering is the set of practices a father engages in, which is to say what he actually does, and it is affected by all the factors in all three triangles. (Hobson and Morgan, 2002) Although this model strikes me as very heteronormative – it seems to assume that a family consists of a mother, a father, and a child or children – it is still helpful to illustrate just how complex the issue of fatherhood can be. It is also helpful in making sense of the social norms and pressures men (and women) deal with as they become parents. On the one hand, they may be discouraged by organizational cultures to take time to care for children or perhaps they do not even have support of formal state policies to do so (see Choroszewicz and Tremblay, 2018). On the other hand, most fathers live in dual earner families and are expected to share the care for their children with their spouse or partner. Initiatives may encourage men to take parental leave (see for example isaaika.fi), however, social policies might still support the breadwinner role and men continue to be affected by the expectation to provide for the family. Long maternity leaves and nursing recommendations, for example, are part of a genderizing system and in practice work as barriers to gender equality (Suwada, 2017; León, 2009; Scott et al., 2010). Men are expected to enact a certain type of masculinity, while also being expected to show more soft and caring masculinities. It is a complex situation for men and current social structures and influences do not make it easy (Bailey, 2015). However, while fathering is affected by all the factors in these three triangles, Suwada (2017) argues that a change in fathering may also impact actual fatherhood, which is the cultural coding of fathers’ rights, duties, and responsibilities. Although ‘new fatherhood’ has, as a term, come to describe a change in the care fathers provide for their children, it begs the question what really is new about new fatherhood? Brandth and Kvande (1998) argue that the enthusiasm over men’s increased involvement in care and household chores may have caused us to fail to view this increased involvement critically. While both mothers and fathers spend more time with their children today than they have in previous times, Messner (1992) argues that what has really changed is the amount of play time that fathers spend with their children. In fact, research has shown that al-

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though men in general spend more time caring for their children, it is still often the mother who takes the main responsibility for the childcare and also continues to do the majority of the household chores (McKie and Callan, 2012). However, it also depends on who you ask. Men and women do not necessarily assess the distribution of tasks and responsibilities in the same way (Hearn and Pringle, 2006). Brandth and Kvande (1998: 305) suggest that we might be dealing with a “myth of equality” as mothers tend to be so grateful for the help that they do get from the fathers that they overestimate how much the fathers actually do. However, the involvement of the men in this chapter differs from that of the fathers in the research and studies mentioned above. The difference is that these fathers are not just active participators in the care of their children. They are – or have been at some point – the main caregivers of their children. They quit their jobs altogether to stay at home full-time while their wives worked and were the breadwinners. These men do more care work and household chores than their wives do and they have the main responsibility for the care of their children. They embody caring masculinity and incorporate care values, sensitivity, and emotionality in what it means to be a man (Elliott, 2016). Research has shown that men’s attitudes have gradually shifted from a breadwinner ideal towards a care-integrating model (Scambor et al., 2014). Caring is an essential and inescapable part of human life and it is linked to human survival (Elliott 2016). It is also beneficial out of an individual perspective and has been found to make men feel better about themselves, as well as having a positive impact on their health (see Elliott, 2016; Hanlon 2012). Snarey (1993) uses the term generativity to describe the nurturing father and it has been used to explore the importance and benefit of fatherhood for men’s development (see also Dowd, 2000). According to Snarey (1993), there is a positive correlation between the degree to which a man’s life is characterized by the care for others and creativity, productivity, and the level of maturity in his psychological development. Fatherhood and care in general are thus beneficial to men, but also to society at large, and a widespread adoption of caring masculinities could have broader political and social connotations (see Elliott, 2106; Snarey, 1993). However, while researchers talk about caring masculinities as new fatherhood, what we are dealing with is not a new type of man. Different forms of masculinities, including caring masculinities, have always existed. The issue is rather allowing caring masculinities to be fostered and men to develop those sides of themselves (Gärtner et al., 2007). Next, I will introduce you to Fred, a stay-at-home father from the UK. Fred is the embodiment of caring masculinity.

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Fred: Something of a disappearing act Fred is a full-time stay-at-home father. He has heard about my research and is keen to participate in my study. I interview him in his home during the day when his wife is at work and his children are at school. I set everything up at a large table in the combined living and dining space, overlooking a lush garden. As I’m setting up, Fred brings in coffee, fresh bread, and some cheese to snack on. He holds several sheets of paper in his hand as he takes a seat across from me. He has been preparing for the interview and has written down thoughts and issues that he finds important and relevant to opting out in general and to his experience in particular. It is clear that the opportunity to talk about it is important to him and that he has things to say. Fred has a degree in engineering and left a career in a large industrial company when he opted out. Leaving was not something he ever thought he would do, nor was becoming a stay-at-home father. However, things were very uncertain at the company where he worked when he and his wife started expecting their first child. His wife is a business executive with her own successful, high-powered career. Fred knew that there were going to be lay-offs at his company and he suspected that his department was going to be hit hard. At the same time, his wife was offered a job to head up a division in another country and together they decided that the best solution for them as a family would be for her to focus on her career and for him to stay at home with their new-born. He explains, I could see with what they were forecasting to do as the next phase [at the company] that there would be deployment or they wouldn’t be needing as many people, and it became clear that it would be a really good opportunity to make myself unnecessary at that point just as we were moving on… There was an opportunity and we took advantage of it.

Like the other stay-at-home fathers I interviewed, Fred makes it sound like a straightforward decision. Also like the other stay-at-home fathers, it was a joint decision he made with his wife and he frames it as something he is doing for the family. While a breadwinning father may sacrifice his free time for the family, the stay-at-home fathers in my study sacrifice their careers. Fred also presents it as an opportunity that they took advantage of and does not hint at any turmoil he may have experienced or any difficulties he may have had coming to terms with going from being a career person to being stay-athome parent. However, one coping strategy he does use is to treat it as an adventure and fill his time with activities:

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I had to treat it as an adventure, but I think that’s how we treated a lot of postings… You have to treat them as an extended holiday and make absolutely the most of them because you wouldn’t just want to be sitting in the living room watching telly for a year and move on without taking advantage of all the things you could do and so you put together quite a hectic schedule of things.

As a stay-at-home father, Fred sees just how underappreciated unpaid care work is. Before opting out, he worked for several years building his career. He had a team reporting to him and he made friends among his colleagues, but all of a sudden, after opting out, his relationships to them changed. His former colleagues no longer seemed to know how to relate to him, or even what to talk about after he left his job: I’ve found [that] people in corporate office work have no appreciation about what it’s like not being in corporate office work at all and consider[ing] I used to be one of these self-important people, very busy and organized and all the rest of it… I was quite surprised to find that several weeks later these people had nothing to talk to you about at all. Nothing, they couldn’t relate to it… You know wrong job, wrong place, wrong gender.

At the same time, his male friends and colleagues were curious about what his life at home was really like and for a while, after he opted out, they still kept in touch. Fred comments that it is as if his experiences provided them with insights into the mysterious world that their wives inhabited. Nevertheless, his day-to-day reality is, if not lonely, then somewhat isolated. Where he lives there are not very many, if any, other stay-at-home fathers, and the stay-at-home mothers he meets do not generally include him in social activities: There aren’t many men looking after children at home so you don’t get invited out to lunch by groups of women that’s for sure.

Fred talks about how frustrated he gets that so many people seem to have an unrealistic and romanticized idea of what it means to stay at home with children. He points out that the reality is very different. While he feels what he is doing is important for the well-being of his children, he does not feel intellectually challenged or fulfilled. While he loves his children, he is very pragmatic and realistic about what it is he is doing, which other people seem to have difficulties accepting at times. He explains that when he does talk about it to others, he tends to get a “frosty reception”. Fred comments, There’s sort of a romanticized version of bringing up small children which is sort of like the soap powder ads, everything is white and clean [but]… it’s not… it’s really, really hard work… You spend a lot of time literally up to your elbows in waste products to put it politely

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[laughing]… Children have a massive… massive randomizing effect on what you can do. You might have every plan to get out of that door that day, come three o’clock in the afternoon [laugh], you didn’t make it, it’s just not going to happen and it happens day after day after day […] There is a crushing claustrophobia that goes with it too.

He also gets annoyed by what he finds to be a somewhat hypocritical attitude to people who stay at home to care for children. One the one hand, people often comment and say how lucky he is to be able to do that, but on the other, he believes that they would never do it themselves. While they say what an important job he is doing, unpaid care work is still not appreciated in society and recognized for what it is. He explains, …the patronizing comments [I get], oh you’re so lucky you’re doing such a good job looking after the children. If it’s such a good job, why aren’t people queuing up to do this? […] I don’t have any personal problem with how people perceive it [but] certainly it has a tendency to [be seen] as second tier to… corporate work, definitely.

He insists it does no bother him, but later in the interview he talks about how it can be hard to describe himself without having a paid job to talk about. He says, “It makes me something of a disappearing act.” As Fred is talking, I cannot help but wonder why it has to be either or. Why do he and his wife need to choose between either not working at all and feeling intellectually unfulfilled or working so much that there is no time left for anything other than work? Just as I am thinking this, Fred starts talking about how he does not see any other alternative. With his wife working the way she does, Fred insists there is no possibility to share childcare. It would involve hiring a nanny and he just does not feel that this would be good for the children. He explains how careers leave little if any room for children and if both parents focus on a career, the children invariably suffer: And so yes to avoid that yeah the competition of egos and then the children just get squeezed out of the bottom…if you’re not careful especially if you both have a tendency to work long hours.

Gender equality initiatives encourage fathers to take a more active role in the care of children and Fred and the other stay-at-home fathers I interviewed certainly have done so. They are present and nurturing and epitomize the idea of caring fatherhood, however as Fred comments, “If you were to swap our roles we would look like a very stereotyped family.” By switching gender roles with their wives, they do not actually have that great an impact on gender equality or on changing work cultures to better accommodate care responsibilities. By be-

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coming stay-at-home fathers, these men are not just sharing the care responsibilities, they are taking over the day-to-day care entirely. They become the so-called homemakers and their wives, or husband in the case of Joseph in Chapter Four, become the breadwinners. There is a difference between redistributing parenting, nurturing, and caring responsibilities and developing a two-parent model, which is more prevalent in countries like Sweden, where parents share care responsibilities more equally than in, for example, the United States (Suwata, 2017). Fred’s kids are in school by now. Still, he has no plans to go back to corporate work. Although his leaving was a choice that he and his wife made together for the sake of the family, Fred is very critical of corporate working norms and cultures. He explains, I think I’ve run out of patience with the work place […] fallen out of patience with the type of people and the bullishness… There’s probably a reason why that model has lasted so long but I think it’s under stress… But the question is how to build something that is better for people and good enough for the company…

It is unclear what exactly lies behind these opinions and observations of the corporate world. It may be the distance and perspective, having seen an alternative, or it may be a coping mechanism to deal with the threat to identity of his perceived inability to go back to that world after so many years away. Either way, Fred sees work and care as two separate worlds that are extremely hard to reconcile, at least while work is structured and organized the way it is.

Fathers as natural caregivers As I mentioned above, this nurturing side of fatherhood – new fatherhood – although maybe not widespread, is actually not anything new. It has always been a part of fathering to varying degrees, depending on the father’s situation but also on the changing social norms and expectations (Messner, 1992). Still, when I read up on research on fatherhood and care, I notice that many scholars refer to what nurturing fathers do as mothering. In a study conducted by Coltrane (1996), also a mother commented that her husband, who takes part in the care of their children, is good at mothering. Some scholars use this term to emphasize the type of nurturing they are talking about and to acknowledge that it has been traditionally women who have been responsible for this kind of care (Ruddick, 1990). However, using the term mothering is problematic for several reasons. It essentializes the idea of women as carers, emphasizes a model where nurturing care is

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limited to mothers, and potentially alienates fathers who want to take on the role of main caregiver (Dowd, 2000). Fathers need to be able to embrace their role as nurturers and to develop the idea of fatherhood as well as the idea that being involved in the care of their children is a natural part of fathering. There is a cultural belief that children need their mothers and that mothers are the ones who are best equipped to take care of their children. Being a man, on the other hand, has traditionally been associated with an avoidance of care (Geiger, 1996; Hays, 1996; Hearn, 2001). The current dominant mothering ideology in the Western world is known as intensive or essential motherhood, and according to this ideology, there is an assumption that children require constant care by a primary caregiver, preferably the mother (Hays, 1996; DiQuinzio, 1999; Kinser, 2010). According to this ideology, child-rearing should ideally be labor and resource intensive and emotionally absorbing. In short, it takes both time and money and is expected to be expertly done on the child’s terms, with the mother as a child-rearing expert (Hays, 1996; DiQuinzio, 1999). However, this model of motherhood is not a natural or biological state, it is a socially constructed childcare philosophy among several (Hays, 1996). Child-rearing philosophies may vary, depending on culture and class, but also on the times in which we live. Their popularity varies over time and historically, intensive mothering has not always been the norm. It did not gain a foothold in Western society until after World War II, around the time when the idea of public and private spheres was introduced (Kinser; 2010; Hays, 1996; Coltrane, 1996; see also Chapter Two). In previous eras, the care of children has often been outsourced to someone other than the parent, for example an older sibling or a wet nurse if the family could afford it. Families that were more well off may have had governesses. In aristocratic families, it was not uncommon for the childrearing of ‘valuable’ children (boys) to be done mainly by the father as the mother was not considered capable to do so in a satisfactory manner, due to women being ranked lower and considered less important than men (Hays, 1996; Kinser, 2010). This cultural belief that children need their mothers and that mothers are biologically and naturally better equipped than anyone else to care for their children is thus quite a recent phenomenon. Research has shown that fathers are just as capable of nurturing their children as mothers (Geiger, 1996; Coltrane, 1996). In a study of couples who share the care of their children equally, Coltrane (1996) found that when a father spends a lot of time alone with his child, he learns to become just as attentive to the child’s needs as mothers typically are. The problem is that learning to be attentive to a child’s needs is an acquired skill that mothers often learn after the child is born as they spend a lot of time with the child. Fathers’ access to their children during the first year is limited, and when they do spend time

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with the child, their interaction is typically centered around play, in contrast to mothers who are usually the primary caregivers (Geiger, 1996). For the fathers, as for the mothers, the key to learning these skills is to actually spend time alone with the child and to be the one who is responsible for the care (Wall, 2014). Fathers do not get a chance to do this if they do not take paternal or parental leave after the child is born. In Finland, it is the father’s legislated right to take paternity leave. Nevertheless, three weeks at home with the baby at the same time as the mother, which is what most fathers in Finland do (see Introduction), does not really do the trick, as it does not suffice to develop this deep understanding of the child’s needs. However, for fathers who do become primary caregivers, their nurturing style becomes essentially the same as the mother’s (Dowd, 2000). The exception is their style of play, which is found to be more rough and tumble and which also mirrors social norms of what constitutes appropriate male behavior (Geiger, 1996). Child development is benefitted by the fathers’ direct nurturing and the close father-child relationship that develops as a result. Research has shown that in families where fathers are highly involved in childcare, there is also typically a stronger marital commitment between parents, which, in turn, benefits the whole family (Snarey, 1993; see also Feldman and Gran, 2016). Biology and the natural order of things is often used as an argument as to why women are more involved in care, and is often visible in media articles regarding the social organization of care (see Coltrane, 1996). According to Suwada (2017: 147), this “naturalization of the social order” is an ideological instrument that effectively sustains gender inequalities. In addition, it is also convenient to believe as it lets us off the hook to really do anything about gender inequalities. However, according to Finnish child psychiatrist Jukka Mäkelä (2018), it is, on the contrary, not the natural order of things to have one person – the mother – be the main caregiver and largely care for her children herself, which the intensive mothering ideology entails. According to Mäkelä (2018), one of the things that sets humans apart from other species is that human infancy lasts much longer than it does for other species. This means that it takes a much greater physical, emotional, and mental effort, as well as time, to care for our children until they are big enough to walk and feed themselves than it does for other species. Mäkelä contends that it is a lot for one person to do and that the work and responsibility should, therefore, be shared between parents, contradicting the argument that it is natural for the mother to do this alone. Besides, differences between men and women are exaggerated. According to Connell (1987), there are greater differences within each sex than between the sexes, and therefore gender differences are not sufficient in explaining the social order.

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Next, we will meet Rick who has first-hand experience of the different treatment men and women can experience based on notions of gender differences. He sees gender inequalities and injustices and they affect him deeply, as well as having played a central role in the choices he has made as he has opted out and in.

Rick and the balancing act of being a man in a ‘woman’s world’ Rick meets me in the school where he works. He is one of the few male teachers in a school of mostly female employees and is concerned about closing the door to the room where we are conducting the interview as he does not want to make me uncomfortable. After a few minutes he realizes that the topic of the interview is quite personal and he starts glancing at the door as if he is worried that his colleagues might overhear and I assure him that I am completely comfortable closing the door, which he then does. I actually prefer the space where I interview to be private as I want my interviewees to be able to speak openly. Rick has not always been a teacher. He used to be a corporate lawyer, a career he opted out of to become a stay-at-home father. He spent several years taking care of his two children full-time and when he decided to go back into paid work, he embarked on a completely different career as a teacher. He sent me his resumé before the interview to give me some background information about what he has done in his professional life. The thing that struck me right away was that, although I had been told I would be interviewing a man who had been a stay-at-home father, in his resumé there was no indication of this fact. I was wondering whether maybe I had misunderstood. When I ask him about it he explains that he purposely hides his time at home in his resumé: I’ve met very few stay-at-home dads and… I just don’t want to talk about that… given my experience with the work environment […] Nobody understands and I don’t want to have to try to explain and justify it […] Everyone is looking for gaps in the resumé, can you explain it, and I just didn’t want to and I don’t think people are up to speed for that even today […] in a job interview… You just sound defensive when you’re trying to explain that this is a really hard job…

During his time as a lawyer, Rick worked in very masculine environments, as did his wife who is also a lawyer. They met after law school and supported each other and shared their experiences as they looked for jobs. While talking about the career he opted out of, Rick speaks at length about his wife’s experiences of misogyny and sexual harassment and it is clear that her experiences

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have affected him deeply. I start to see where his concern regarding not making me, a woman, uncomfortable alone in a room with a man I have never met before may be coming from. Neither Rick nor his wife planned on staying home full-time to care for children. After their first child was born, they put him in daycare, where he spent twelve hours a day, and they eventually came to the conclusion that this was not what they wanted for their child. Rick’s wife was doing very well in her career and Rick had already decided to stop working as a lawyer. So, they decided together that he would stay at home and take care of their child full-time, and while he was at home their second child was also born. He talks about the corporate culture he left and he explains why he did not want to work there anymore: These guys act like assholes almost all the time… There was always like who’s tougher, you know, they would try to do it physically, not like punch you out or anything but… how they carried themselves… and I wasn’t good at it. One time my boss pulled me aside… and goes, ‘they [the corporate clients] know that you don’t like them so don’t think you’re fooling them and this is business, if you don’t like this don’t do it’ […] That really made me think… like okay… why is it I’m really faking this and not, you know, loving it?

Rick did not feel comfortable in that environment and he just did not want to “fake it” anymore. However, that was not the only issue that weighed in. He found that the way women and other underrepresented groups in that environment were treated was deeply disturbing. Gerson (1993) who conducted a study of different types of fathers – breadwinner fathers, autonomous fathers, and involved fathers – found that it was actually not so much a new model of fathering that encouraged involved, egalitarian fathers to become primary caregivers. Rather, like for Rick, it was a disenchantment with the workplace. This was especially true for white-collar workers who felt that the price of success was not worth it and chose to leave the fast track. In others words, children became a viable reason to opt out of work and to start living different lifestyles according to different ideals. In my research on women opting out, I have found that children are often given as a reason even if they, in reality, are not the main reason women decide to opt out. Gernson’s study suggests that maybe this may also the case for men who become stay-at-home fathers, despite social expectations and norms making it more difficult for a father than a mother to opt out. As Rick talks, it sounds like the transition to becoming a stay-at-home father was not a very dramatic one, but just a result of the disenchantment he felt and the need for someone to stay at home with his child. He felt he was making a difference by being a constant in his child’s life and cooking healthy homemade meals. Nevertheless, at the same time his narrative suggests that he still

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deals with ambiguous feelings of breaking traditional gender norms. He draws parallels to sports when he talks about his decision to become a stay-at-home father. He was an active sportsman in college, and explains, I’m also into sports… I played a lot of team sports [and] I was like well you know, your job is to fill in where you need to fill in.

He decided he needed to fill in by taking the main responsibility for his children, which is what you do when you play for the team. Later in the interview, when asked how other people reacted to his decision to take on the responsibility for his child’s care, he again draws a parallel to sports and to his physical attributes as a man, and he does so after first having described himself as “the girl of the dads”: One thing I get the benefit of is… I’m a stocky guy, I played football and had a reputation of being you know… especially out of college I was a linebacker on the football team.

It is as if his physical masculinity compensates for the loss of masculine identity from becoming the so-called home-maker. Although his friends seem to be quite accepting of his choices, he is clearly frustrated by reactions in society in general of him as a man doing what is typically a woman’s job. When he became a stay-at-home father, he once again, was made acutely aware of the gendered nature of society, not only in the public sphere of work, but also in the private sphere of care and the home. He comments, So as a stay-at-home dad you gotta be careful. I try to be careful… because either you are totally incompetent based on who you are, being a man, or you show up and you’re a fucking God [laugh], it’s like ‘Oh my God he can change a diaper, he’s amazing.’

When his children were infants, he was often frustrated by the assumption that he had no idea what he was going: I remember one time a complete stranger came up and I was getting one of my kids out of the car… and she ran up and said you ought to cover this baby you know… because too much sun and she was touching my kid and I was thinking, I didn’t say, I just kept my cool, but if I was a man and ran up to a woman and started touching [her] baby, she’d be freaking out but the thing is you’re assuming I’m not going to have my kid’s hat […] it’s instances like that.

This is echoed by the other stay-at-home dads in my dataset as well. Since men are typically not involved in care, many assume that they do not know what they are doing. The idea that they have the main responsibility for the children and

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are the main caregiver just does not seem to occur to people. Also Burrows (2013) who describes his time as a stay-at-home father in his book Men Can Do It! felt exasperated when people sometimes asked him if he was babysitting his kids and rhetorically asks how one can ‘babysit’ one’s own child? After being a stay-at-home father for about 10 years, Rick decided he needed to find a job. Due to organizational restructuring, his wife’s work situation was all of a sudden not as secure as it had been and they were faced with a risk of her losing her stable income. The thought that he was not doing his part as a husband and a man suddenly felt terrible and caused him some distress. It posed a threat to his identity: I felt very impotent at the time, I felt like, oh what did I do? I took myself out of an ability to make money… It was a very rough time. It wasn’t like I went back and got a lot of money [as a teacher]… but it helped.

He uses the word ‘impotent’ do describe how he felt, suggesting that he did not feel he was being ‘man enough’, which again reflects the pressure of living up to societal gender norms and expectations. He had occasionally done work as a substitute teacher while he was at home with the children, which made embarking on a new career as a teacher an easy choice. However, once again he was faced with societal prejudices towards his gender. When he started working, he worked mainly with very young children and mentions that this was something that concerned his mother: [My mother] was worried about the perception of a man going and working with children, you know, she said they can accuse you of being some sort of pervert.

It was not the thought of him working with young children per se that worried her, she knew him for the caring man he was, she was concerned about how others in society would perceive him due to suspicions regarding men’s motives for wanting to be around children. Research has found this to be the case; especially men who take care of others’ children can be seen as disturbing or suspicious (Doucet, 2006). Rick continues to be very aware of this suspicion and finds that balancing it with the attitudes he sometimes experienced as a stay-athome father, where he would be celebrated simply for being around his children, is tricky: I find I always have to be careful when I’m teaching, you know, it’s like I was given accolades for something I didn’t deserve [because I’m a man], you know what I mean, but in the same token there’s people who just didn’t trust me with their kids. It’s like you can’t let it get to your head but I also have to have thick skin, it’s… like this balance.

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While Rick is upbeat and jokes throughout the interview, it is apparent how frustrated he is regarding issues of gender and gender inequality in society. He has seen how women are treated differently and how his wife has been discriminated due to her gender despite having had equal or better qualifications than the men who have been favored over her.

Challenging gender norms or just switching gender roles? The US fathers in my data set are in a very different position compared to the fathers in my data set from Finland and the UK. A lack of adequate family policies in the US as well as affordable, high-quality day care being difficult to find (Williams and Boushey, 2010), are one of the main contributing factors to stay-athome mothers being more prevalent among US middle class than in Finland and the UK. In addition, as Orloff and Monson (2002: 61) comment, “The most salient fact about the treatment of fathers in US social policy is the virtual absence of programs targeting them as fathers.” While gender equality initiatives have often focused on women in the workplace and their possibility to pursue careers on equal terms as men, the situation and the gendered division of unpaid labor in the homes has not received as much attention (see also Kangas, 2020). Family policies and state support, which has focused mainly on women being able to combine work and care responsibilities, have tremendous implications for the roles men and women take in the family. They can reinforce certain types of roles by reinforcing the male breadwinner ideal or models where parents share care responsibilities more equally (Oláh et al., 2002). However, in recent years, it has been brought to the attention of researchers and policy makers alike that in order to increase gender equality in the workplace, we also need to have more equality in the homes (Kangas, 2020; Slaughter, 2015). Whether or not fathers participate more in caregiving has been found to relate directly to how much time they spend at home with the children and not to whether or not the mother of the child works (Geiger, 1996). In the EU, but also in other countries around the world, we have increasingly started to see initiatives aimed at fathers to encourage them to participate more in child care (see for example isäaika.fi; Dozois et al., 2015; Fletcher et al., 2014). However, in countries where there is legislation in place, it may still be hard for families to split care more evenly. Research has found that corporate policies often override national family policies and many men have reported being discouraged to take time off for family leave (see Biese and Choroszewicz, 2018; Choroszewicz and Tremblay, 2018). Having role models of caring fatherhood is

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thus of the utmost importance, however, this is not something there is an abundance of. While women are expected to care for the children, men can generally choose how much they want to be involved. As a result, when the choice is left to the parents to decide who cares for the child, the “choice” is often automatically the mother (see Suwada, 2017). The stay-at-home fathers in my dataset broke masculine social norms by becoming the main caregivers of their children. However, by switching the gender roles with their wives or partners and quitting altogether to stay at home fulltime, the men did not challenge the gendered division of roles and encourage a more equitable system of sharing care responsibilities. What they did do, is challenge the norm that fathers are not as well suited as mothers to care and nurture. By taking on the main responsibility of childcare, they confirm the research results that suggest that men are just as capable of nurturing as women are. Primary caregiving fathers have been found to value love and affection higher than success and career achievement, compared to fathers who are not involved in care. They enjoy greater closeness and satisfaction in their relationships with their children simply because they spend more time and share experiences with them (Geiger, 1996). As I briefly mentioned above, fathers who are involved in care do not necessarily base their choices on new trending fatherhood models or ideals, but have been found to often do so because they are disenchanted with their workplace cultures and practices (Gerson 1993). This can be discerned very clearly in Joseph’s narrative, and many of the men in my study felt very disenchanted with the corporate world. As I explored in Chapter One, opting out and making such a drastic lifestyle change is not done lightly. However, these fathers had a viable reason to leave – one that was somewhat easy to explain to others – they left to take care of their children. This may indeed explain why stay-athome fathers in the US so readily agreed to be interviewed, while men who opted out in order to adopt other lifestyles and solutions for work did not. It also suggests, that perhaps these men’s processes are not that different from the other opting out and in narratives after all, where a crisis is a central catalyst the enables the change (see Chapter One), despite them presenting their choices as premediated, rational, and simply the best thing to do for the family. They thus question corporate practices and choose to leave as they no longer feel they want to be a part of it. Still, they do not seem to question the corporate norm of constant availability and long hours, which makes it so difficult to combine a successful career with anything else, especially active participation in childcare. They have not stayed and tried to break the norm by being a working father who is also actively involved in childcare. It may not have occurred to them or they may not have felt that it was possible or worth the fight. Perhaps

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it was not something they thought of much at all, as some of them simply wanted to get away. Next, we will meet Phil. Phil spent several periods at home as a stay-at-home father, going back to work in between each stint. Although he, like the other stay-at-home fathers, does not seek to overturn career norms either, he and his wife still manage to share care responsibilities in a way that works for them.

Phil: Taking turns Growing up with two big sisters might have had something to do with it. Phil’s approach to work and family differs from many of the men in my data set. Phil is married with three children. He shares both the childcare responsibilities and the running of the household with his wife. He has taken time off to care for his children several times during his career. He has worked part-time to accommodate his childcare responsibilities and yet, when we meet for the interview, he is a partner in a law firm. He starts the interview off by summing it up: I had several gaps where I took time off for kids and where I went part-time for many years and went into the government… partly, you know, because it’s a more relaxed schedule… and I’m here and this is sort of in my view the apex of a successful career in my field. This is what I had hoped always to shoot for… It kind of amazes me that I’ve been able to get to this spot.

The expectation for individuals who aspire for top positions and successful careers, involves words like fast track and career ladders. There is an expectation of moving up in a timely fashion. Any breaks in the career are often considered suspect and the person’s ability to make it to the top as well as the ambition to do so is often questioned (Biese and Choroszewicz, 2018, 2019). However, Phil went against many of these expectations. He took time off and worked parttime. He worked from home doing consulting work during some of his parttime stints. He didn’t live up to expectations of face time, of 24/7 availability, nor of moving forward and up at a steady pace. Still, he is a partner. He comments, I’ve just had a very modified work history that’s been very not the traditional… you know you go and you work in two three places for a career and you’re full-time and you gut it out and grind it out and I haven’t done that and yet people have given me a chance to succeed.

When he talks, he sounds very casual about it, like it is not something he has really thought very much about. Having just interviewed Rick who talked about the importance of ‘hiding’ the years he spent as a stay-at-home father

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in his CV so that there would be no trace of it, I asked Phil about this and he sounded almost surprised: I’m not sure it’s quite a badge of honor but I don’t have any sense that it’s something to hide.

However, as he starts talking about the times he was at home with his children, it becomes clear that he rarely, if ever, really was a full-time stay-at-home dad. He either did consulting part-time while he was at home, or worked part-time for a government agency, so I realized that there are probably no periods of time in his CV that are not accounted for, so to speak. His wife has a high-paying job, and while Phil was taking care of the kids and the household, they had a nanny working for them for eight hours a day. It meant that it freed him up to be able work for several hours while also being able to take his children to the park. Two questions come to mind: how much of a stay-at-home father was he really and did he even really opt out? Regarding the opting out question, I would say yes. He opted out of a mainstream, traditional, masculinist career pattern, which is generally expected of someone who wants to succeed. Instead he forged his own career pattern, which better suited his needs. While many are reluctant to challenge this norm, he did and still succeeded. In my previous research on women opting out and issues of agency that I conducted with a colleague, we found that individuals may adopt so-called micro strategies to enable them to stay in the work force but on their own terms or to re-enter it after leaves of absence (Biese and Choroszewicz, 2019). In a study of stay-at-home fathers in Canada and Belgium, it was found that most stay-home-fathers do what Phil did. They stay connected to sources of identity that are traditionally masculine, one of these being part-time work (Doucet and Merla, 2007). One of the main reasons for doing so was to deal with the tension they experienced between their sense of masculinity and their role as primary caregiver. Phil made sure he was never completely absent despite taking on the main responsibility of the care of his children, and he made sure to continuously stay in touch with the people he had worked with through the years in order to maintain his business network. This worked for him as he had the help of a nanny, which enabled him to continue working on a consulting basis or to create “arrangements”, as he puts it, that worked for him: I’ve always kept my hand in a little pretty much, you know, so I haven’t had… a complete disengagement.

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Phil and his wife have an egalitarian relationship. He talks about something the minister who married them said on their wedding day that made a deep impression on him: Marriage is not a partnership. Marriage is not you two negotiating over who’s going to do what at what time, you know, and handle what situation or what work task. Marriage is the two of you standing shoulder to shoulder.

Phil and his wife took this to heart. Both having a desire to build a career, they decided they would simply share the task of raising their children and take turns working. They were aware that doing both, being present for the children and building a career, is hard to do. While the children were young, Phil’s wife had a unique opportunity to set up a law firm and wanted to take advantage of that, which lead to Phil taking ‘his turn’ to have the main responsibility of the children, knowing that his turn to focus on his career would come: [A]t the time we agreed we would do this where she would get to do that and run her business and then after that I would get to go be a partner in a law firm.

His decision was also based on the desire to be a part of his children’s everyday lives the way his father had not been: My father was just gone, he was either working or on the golf course [laugh]… you know in his later years he regretted that … so you see a mirror essentially with your parent… and you identify the things that you would like to be different and so one of them was I never want to be that guy.

Still, he recognizes that his and his wife’s approach is, if not unique, then unusual: [I]t’s not a chore that I think it develops into for many people and maybe that’s made it a lot easier on me. I’m happy to change diapers and do the laundry and I’ve done that, you know, show up for the kids so it’s not… a chore. So the notion of there not being anything other than career is just not part of my thinking, whereas I think many men don’t like those tasks and… resent them and ultimately go back to work because they just can’t live that life.

To me what is remarkable with Phil’s story is not so much the arrangement to share childcare equally. After all, although it is still unusual, there are couples who do that and it is something that we are seeing more of, at least in the Nordic countries. What is remarkable to me was Phil’s ability to have a career on his own terms and still reach a traditionally successful position. It just goes to show that it is possible to work on different terms and still make it to the top,

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that it is possible to question expectations and norms and still have a successful career, one that is successful by both subjective and objective measures (see Chapter Two). In fact, in my previous research on women opting out (Biese, 2017), I encountered a woman who, like Phil, opted out of a traditional career path to work on her own terms. She stopped caring about promotions and started working part-time, which no one in her position had done previously in that particular organization. However, two years after opting out, she was offered another promotion at that same company despite her having stepped off the proverbial ladder, and once again found herself in a top position. Sometimes we think things are impossible because they deviate from the norm and from the expected, but sometimes they may just be possible after all if we just dare to ask.

Sustaining social structures In this chapter we have seen just how complex the issue of fatherhood is. Fathers receive a lot of mixed message regarding expectations of breadwinning on the one hand and being caring and present on the other. Despite national initiatives to involve fathers more in child care, they do not necessarily get a lot of support in their roles as most of the focus is on the mother and the child (see Carlson et al., 2014). We have seen that fathers are just as capable of being caregivers as mothers are, provided that they are given a chance to spend time alone with the child and are involved in the day-to-day care. They do not always get a chance to do that, however. Encouraging fathers to be more involved in the care of their children is considered crucial in the work to achieve more gender equality in society (Feldman and Gran, 2016). It has been on feminist agendas for several decades as it benefits women and their possibility to participate in working life to the same extent as men, as well as challenging male violence (Flood, 2015; Medved, 2016). Efforts to involve men in care responsibilities promotes empathy, emotional involvement, and human rights, in addition to providing men with insights into the reality that many women face as they juggle work and care. While this has a positive effect on gender equality, it also benefits men (Elliott 2016; Morrell and Jewkes, 2011; Suwada, 2017; Hanlon, 2012). Many men either formally or informally benefit from gender inequalities, however they also suffer a cost. Gender regimes and masculinist cultures have a negative impact on both emotional and physical health among men (Flood, 2015; WHO, 2010). One of the main tools for governments to increase gender equality has been to encourage men to take paternity leave. For example, the gender pay gap has been found to shrink when fathers take a larger share of parental leave (Ceder-

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ström, 2019). Nevertheless, change has been slow (Feldman and Gran, 2016). This is true even in a country like Finland. In Finland there has been a number of initiatives to involve fathers, and fathers have a legal right to take paternity and parental leave. Despite this, Finnish mothers continue to have the main responsibility for care and only a very small percentage of Finnish men take parental leave to any greater extent (Lammi-Taskula et al., 2007). One of the main reasons why development is so slow is that it is held back by organizational cultures and norms. Traditional masculinities are typically preferred and dominant in organizations and employers to not generally support fathers to take on more care responsibilities (Kangas, 2020). On the contrary, research has found that many men who want to take paternity leave, and who have a legislative right to do so, are often discouraged or even told that they are not allowed to (Choroszewicz and Tremblay, 2018). In Finland, for example, where there are strong national policies dealing with gender inequalities, gender issues are kept rather invisible at work compared to many other countries (see Pylkkänen, 2009). Organizational cultures may therefore override welfare provisions, which, in turn, may remain unutilized despite government initiatives (Tomlinson et al., 2018). Ironically, the expectation of long hours and dedication in organizations has been found to cause men in managerial positions to face a double bind of sorts when navigating their identities and roles as fathers (Eräranta and Moisander, 2011). On the one hand, a man is expected to work hard and show that he is committed in order to secure a place in the organization, but on the other hand, he is expected to be present and take on more responsibility in the care of his children. This is a dilemma as both commitments to work and family take time and there are only so many hours in a day. Research has found that men solve this dilemma by adopting a discourse of male breadwinning when constructing their identities as managers and fathers (see Eräranta and Moisander, 2011). That way they can both retain their jobs but also feel like they are shouldering their responsibilities as fathers by providing for the family financially and making sacrifices to be able to do so. This double bind thus keeps the male breadwinner model alive despite changes in contemporary fatherhood ideals. If we are really going to see a greater involvement by fathers we also need to work with organizations to change working norms and ideals. As we have seen in the narratives of the stay-at-home fathers in this book, the way they switch gender roles with their wives or partners, really does not do much to change organizational cultures or the breadwinner norm. Although caring masculinities have been found to disrupt traditional masculinities in organizations (Kangas, 2020), leaving altogether and no longer being a part of the organization when taking on a caring role full-time does not. The key is rather shared parenting and sharing care responsibilities in society (Slaughter, 2015). In her book Unfin-

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ished Business, Slaughter (2015) argues that until we start to value the unpaid work that is done in society mostly by women, gender equality will simply not be achieved. As fatherhood roles continue to develop and new or caring fatherhood gains a stronger foothold, we will hopefully see solutions at work and in the home that can lead to more gender equality. However, in order to do so, or to simply create work models that leave room for other things than just work, sharing responsibilities, and not just switching roles between spouses, is essential. It allows both mothers and fathers to have the best of both worlds – to both do meaningful work and be able to be present in their children’s lives. In the next and final chapter, I will be looking more closely the organizational context. What does opting out and in mean for organizations? What are the effects going forward, and what can we learn from the narratives of men (and women) who opt out?

Epilogue Where do we go from here? [A] seismic shift is taking place in the world of work, a shift that others have only begun to notice. Mainiero and Sullivan (2006: 3)

In this book we have explored the different issues and factors that affect men’s decisions to opt out of their successful careers to develop and adopt alternative lifestyles and solutions for work, where they can work and live on their own terms. The topics I have chosen to explore in this book are by no means exhaustive, but the ones that are most central in understanding what lies behind men’s decisions to opt out, what their experiences of opting out are, and how they organize their lives as a result. We have explored the effect contemporary society, globalization, and the media have on individuals’ identity and sense of self. Technology and the information age intensify the flow of information, which not only is instantaneous but also knows no boundaries. Global networks and interconnectedness permeate all levels of society and organizations struggle to stay lean and flexible in order to survive the ever increasingly competitive business climate. The short-termism and constant cost-cutting in the pursuit of efficiency leads to insecurity, which, in turn, is one of the main issues that lies behind work-related stress and mental health issues, the cost of which has skyrocketed during the past decades. For the individual, all this makes it difficult to create a coherent life narrative, which is crucial for well-being. This is the context that is the backdrop of the phenomenon we know as opting out. It is a contemporary, societal phenomenon, where individuals feel that they just cannot go on the way they have, and instead create new lifestyles and ways of working where they can gain more control over their lives and find the sense of coherence that they previously lacked. We have also seen that organizational cultures can be the source of much suffering and that this is inexorably interlinked with masculinist cultures and ideals in society. While substantial progress has been made to increase gender equality on multiple levels in society, most of the work has traditionally been done with and for women as questions of gender have been considered a women’s issue. Masculine ideals have, as a result, not changed as much as needed. Masculine ideals thus remain quite narrow and difficult to live up to, nor do they correlate to the real, lived experiences of being a man. This can lead to cognitive dissonance and suffering as men inevitably fail to live up to unrealistic and contradictory societal expectations. The men in this book are examples of individuhttps://doi.org/10.1515/9783110725797-008

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als who no longer can or want to live up to certain masculine norms, and carve out a life and a career for themselves that not only work better for them and their needs, but also better reflect who they really are as men. They have created lifestyles where they can live and work on their own terms according to their own definitions of what it means to be successful. They have created solutions that allow them to nurture their relationships. What can we learn from the stories of opting out and in, and from studying the experiences and journeys of those who have left mainstream ways of working to live and work on their own terms? We have seen what it is the men in this book left when they opted out, and why, and their experiences are echoed in existing research on workplaces, organizational cultures, work-related stress, and wellbeing (or the lack thereof) at work. However, one thing the research on opting out and in brings to the table, is knowledge about what it is individuals choose to do instead when they leave all that. How do they organize their lives when they do it on their own terms? What are their terms? These are insights that are helpful when planning and creating sustainable career models and forms of work that are more in line with how employees today want and need to work and live. This is information organizations need to look at as they go forward, and it is what my opting out research provides a glimpse of. Opting out and in is a complex process with multiple factors at play, which vary depending on who you are, where you are, and what you do. Nevertheless, there are two fundamental issues that can be discerned across the narratives I have collected that summarize what opting out and in is all about: control and people. A sense of control is what individuals often lack before they opt out, and what they try to create for themselves in the new lifestyles and solutions for work that they opt in to instead. While the process was a bit different for some of the stay-at-home fathers I interviewed, most of the participants in my research typically went through similar processes from opting out to opting in. Something happened in their lives, be it insecurity at work, a health issue, or an incident that made them come to the realization that they no longer wanted to go on the way they had. They experienced a difficulty creating a coherent narrative before opting out. As they opted in to their new lifestyles or ways of working, their new-found sense of coherence provided them with a feeling of authenticity, belonging, and well-being, not to mention relief, despite initial difficulties adjusting to their new situations. On their journey from opting out to opting in, individuals typically do a lot of soul searching and think about what is important to them and what they are and are not willing to give up. The crisis, as I like to call it, prompts them to reconsider what they are doing and how they are living, and when they eventually do opt in to something new and different, they

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make sure to organize their lives in a way so that they do not end up back in the situations they were before the they opted out (see Biese, 2017). The question then is, what is it they do instead? What are their wants and needs and how do they organize their lives when they no longer work according to mainstream career models, expectations, and definitions of success? The answer lies not so much in what they do, but how they do it. The men and women I have interviewed have opted in to a myriad of different types of work and lifestyles. As I mentioned in Chapter One, I am often approached by people who themselves have opted out and in, and I can say that there seem to be as many solutions as there are individuals. In addition, some opt out of contexts that others opt in to and vice versa. A common denominator is that they generally aim to achieve more control over their lives and over where, when, and how they work. This, in turn, allows them to have more control over where, when, and how they spend time doing other things or being there for and nurturing relationships with the people who are important to them. People have thus been central in the solutions and lifestyles they have opted in to among those who I have interviewed. They have either chosen work where there is a nurturing aspect and where they can work with and help people – such as coaching, nursing, or teaching – or they create solutions where they have more time and space for the people and relationships in their lives. When individuals opt in to living and working on their own terms, they thus do so in a myriad of ways. This seems logical as wants and needs vary from person to person. However, when I mention this to managers and other individuals from the organizational world, many balk at the thought of creating individualized solutions for all their employees. Is it even possible? One thing that the narratives of opting out and in have shown us, is that sometimes it really does not have to be that great a change. Sometimes small adjustments can go a lot way to provide the sense of control that may be missing. Still, allowing for more variation in where, when, and how employees work is not impossible, nor does it have to be very difficult. We already have the technology; the question is, do we have the the will? In this final chapter, I will discuss solutions that can create this type of flexibility for employees and talk about how this differs from the forms of flexible work that are already on offer in many organizations. I will also look at what needs to be done to create workplace cultures that can allow employees to have more control. Finally, I will consider what that means when workplaces around the world have dealt with a complete change in how work is done due to the COVID-19 pandemic.

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Work flexibility Work flexibility is by no means a new concept when it comes to organizational work. Many organizations have flexible time policies to resolve or at least alleviate issues of work-life balance (Rafnsdottir & Heijstra, 2013). Employees can come to work earlier or later and, in turn, leave earlier or later to accommodate daycare schedules, for example. However, flexibility is a relative term. While flexible hours have been developed to help people manage their work-life balance, it does not always entail more flexibility (Rafnsdottir and Heijstra, 2013). Men and women also use flexible time differently. While men generally use it to give themselves more freedom and flexibility, women mostly use it to be on call for the family. As a result, women do not necessarily feel that flexible hours give them more flexibility at all, but rather intensify time to the point that they feel that they have less time (Rafnsdottir & Heijstra, 2013). However, as men start taking on more child care responsibilities, we can expect this to be true also for them. In fact, fathers have reportedly experienced more work-family conflict during the past decades than ever before (see Blades and Fondas, 2010). When dividing time between home and work, schedules are simply too tight and since flexible work also means the flexibility to work anywhere and everywhere, it just intensifies time spent away from work. The individuals who participated in my study sought solutions where they have more control not only of when they work but also where and how. Allowing employees to do their work in other places than just the office is an easy way to increase employee work flexibility as it facilitates combining work with other responsibilities. The possibility of working remotely is also considered a tool for increasing gender equality, as it makes it easier to combine work with care (Kossek et al., 2006). However, the need to be able to combine work with other areas of life is not only about childcare. Perhaps this goes without saying, but people without children have lives outside of work too. In addition, not only children need care, elderly parents or other family members may also need help. There is research that shows that the possibility of working remotely can provide a sense of control, which, in turn, adds to well-being (Olson et al, 2015). Sometimes employees need to take care of private matters during office hours. Working remotely as well as controlling when and how they work allows them to do that. Nevertheless, research has shown, that even if organizations have policies for working remotely, many companies still remain reluctant to use them as supervision and control remain a concern (see Errichiello and Pianese, 2016). A few years ago, I was working on a research and development project with Finnish organizations to make them more gender equal. I remember one organization in

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particular. In a meeting, the HR director talked about their policy for working remotely. It was a somewhat cumbersome system, however, and employees had to apply every time they wanted to work offsite. Still, they had a system, “but,” the HR director went on to say, “we rarely grant permission to work offsite because how would we know that people are really working?” That is a question I hear a lot. How can you know that your employees are working if you do not see them? Ironically, seeing them in the office is no guarantee that they are actually working either. Although many organizations may be reluctant to change their rules and expectations of face-time, there have been exceptions. In 2012, the Finnish teleoperator DNA launched a new company policy regarding work solutions where they, in effect, turned all conventional rules regarding time and place of work on their head. They had decided to give their employees complete freedom regarding when and where they work. This meant that they could come to the office every day like before, or they could do the opposite and never come in if they felt that was what they wanted to do. About four years later, they reported that their employees on average worked 2.4 days a week offsite, mostly at home (see Carlsson, 2016). Contrary to the fear many managers have that giving employees that much freedom will lead to them never coming in and not doing any work, most of the DNA employees came to the office about half of the time. However, this freedom to control where and when they worked also added to their motivation (74 % of the employees and 67 % of the supervisors were of this opinion) as well as to their sense of productivity (65 % of both the employees and the supervisors) (see Carlsson, 2016). Only four percent wanted to go back to the way it had been. The positive impact of having control over where and when one works has also been found in a study conducted at Penn State (Olson et al, 2015). In a study of 474 employees (including supervisors), where half of the participants experienced the study intervention and half of the participants served as the control group, it was found that having control over when and where one works had a direct positive impact on well-being (Olson et al, 2015). Those who could control where and when they worked, increased both their quantity and quality of sleep. They generally worked more in the mornings and evenings, and were better able to combine work with their other responsibilities and life needs (Olson et al, 2015). During the spring of 2020, everything suddenly changed. The COVID-19 pandemic forced social distancing on us and, suddenly, many of us were not only allowed but expected to work from home. Some jobs that were previously considered impossible to do remotely were all of a sudden not only possible but actually working relatively very well. Although ergonomics in home ‘offices’ sometimes left a lot to be desired, initial surveys found that employees quite liked

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working from home. In a study conducted by Eurofund (2020) over living and working during the pandemic, over 75 % of those who had been working from home said they would like to continue doing so at least occasionally after the pandemic, as they felt it increased their quality of life. According to a study conducted by KPMG (2020), 64 % of office workers and managers in the US said that their quality of life improved thanks to the disruptive impact of COVID-19, although the survey also showed that the situation has been more stressful for managers. Some companies were quick to report that they would continue letting their staff work remotely after the pandemic is over, leading to speculations that office work as we know may now be changing forever (see for example SightsIn Plus, 2020; Weikle, 2020). As the pandemic continued and working from home went from weeks to months, individuals, understandably, started getting tired and missing their colleagues. Reports have shown that many have worked longer hours during the pandemic, and that perhaps the change to remote work may not be as positive as it at first seemed (The Economist, 2020). Working remotely has both positive and negative effects. When working from home, employees are more productive and they tend to work longer hours (Chung and van der Horst, 2017; Lewis and Cooper, 2005). There are fewer interruptions without colleagues around and for employees there is an element of wanting to making sure that they are working enough and not perceived as slacking when not in the office. This should be good news for employers who wonder if they can trust that their employees really are working when they are out of sight. However, it is not necessarily good for the employee to be working even more than usual as it may lead to overwork (Putnam et al., 2014). On the other hand, less time is spent commuting, although the extra time is usually not used for rest and recuperation but for more work or for household chores (Wheatley, 2012). Still, the flexibility and freedom to plan one’s time as one wants when working from home has been found to increase work satisfaction, reduce stress, and decrease absenteeism (Hartig et al., 2007; Wheatley, 2012; Noonan and Glass, 2012). Especially women report a lower incidence of depression when being able to work from home as it simply makes it easier to combine work with care responsibilities (Kossek et al., 2006). For those who can control where, when, and how they work while also being able to separate the boundaries between home and work, were found to report greater well-being (Kossek et al., 2006). Nevertheless, working from home may also increase work-family conflicts as boundaries become very blurred between work and home. Some report a feeling of loneliness as it becomes difficult to discuss problems with and get help from colleagues (Mann and Holdsworth, 2003). Finally, there is a higher risk of musculoskeletal disorders, as employees sit still and work longer hours without taking breaks (Sang et al., 2010). However, it needs to be noted that

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not everyone wants to work remotely. Some work best at the office, some work best outside the office, and some prefer a mix of the two. The point is that not everyone has the same wants and needs, nor are all tasks or forms of office work the same. It should not be a question of either or – to either work at the office or not. One does not have to exclude the other, and it is possible to create different solutions for different needs. We have the technology to do this, however new management routines must also be implemented when team members are no longer in the same physical space. This explains why remote working during the pandemic has been more stressful for managers; old management routines have not necessarily worked that well. When team members work remotely, communication needs to be structured and more frequent, and supervisors and employees must get to know each other in order to increase trust (Errichiello and Pianese, 2016; Grant et al., 2013; Walsh, 2019; Blades and Fondas, 2010). Those working remotely must also be included in so-called ‘normal’ office rules, such as checks-ins regarding workload (Grant et al., 2013). In a study of mobile information and communication technology, researchers have found that in the shift from social presence (face-toface and technologically mediated interaction) to so called ‘multipresence’ (being physically, socially, and virtually present in multiple spaces at the same time), many respondents felt that they lost control over their workday (Koroma and Vartiainen, 2018). They were often unable to control the number of virtual meetings they would have in a day as well as the time spent in these meetings, and as a result they did not have enough time to handle incoming queries and messages or to perform other tasks. Although they reaped the benefits of efficient time use and flexibility by being ‘multipresent’, they also experienced the toll of concentration difficulties, loss of productivity, stress, and less worklife balance (Koroma and Vartiainen, 2018). This result, in other words, contradicts some of the other research to which I have referred. It illustrates how the ability to work offsite is not automatically a recipe for success, but needs to be managed. Being able to work remotely when it is needed allows employees to gain more control over their time. Digital technology has caused a blurring of boundaries between work and other areas of life. Thanks to our mobile devices, we can truly take our work with us anywhere and we can be on call or check emails and message even when we are not at work. The blurring of boundaries has given rise to a search for balance between work and other areas of life and we often talk about a complete blurring of boundaries, when in reality what we have been dealing with has been more of a one-way blurring. When we are constantly on call and available through technology, we bring work into our private sphere. However, private matters have not been encouraged to spill over into work to the

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same extent. On the contrary, private matters have generally been considered best to be kept invisible at work (Cahusac and Kanji, 2014). In a study I conducted with a colleague on women managers and lawyers from Poland and the US, we found that when given the possibility to control where, when, and how they worked, they created solutions for work where they did not try to keep boundaries between work and other areas of life, but rather transcended these boundaries and moved seamlessly between different areas of life depending on what needed to be done or taken care of at any particular time (Biese and Choroszewicz, 2018). This allowed them to take a break from work to take care of something else if needed, but it also allowed them to focus on work during other times instead without having to keep any parts of their lives invisible. It was key in creating a sense of coherence and control, which added to their sense of well-being. Putnam et al. (2014: 413) have had similar research results and call for transcending “these opposite poles through exploring third spaces” as they urge organizations and society to reframe the issue of work and life and to treat them as enriching rather than see them as competing.

Creating compassionate workplaces As we have seen, and as Kasper in Chapter One so eloquently explained, it has not been the amount of work as such that has been the main issue in decisions to opt out and in. Many of those I have interviewed have continued to work a lot, some perhaps even more than before they opted out. The difference is that they can control their situation more and therefore do not feel as stressed (see also Biese, 2017). Nevertheless, long hours and work-related stress are a reality for many people in the workforce (Pfeffer, 2018). Mindfulness has become very popular during the past few years and many companies offer mindfulness training to their employees to reduce stress and anxiety as well as increase well-being (Ahlvik, 2019). Although I have not interviewed individuals who have not been able to continue working due to burn-out or exhaustion as a part of my study, many of those I have interviewed have been very tired at the time of opting out. It begs the question, if they had the tools to deal with the stress and fatigue, perhaps they would not have felt the need to opt out? Mindfulness has its roots in Buddhism and is a type of meditation where one strives to achieve a state of consciousness that encompasses awareness of and attention to the own body, one’s emotions, and one’s reactions to these (Purser and Milillo, 2015; Brown and Ryan, 2003). Awareness and acceptance have been found to make coping with difficult situations easier, including work related

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stress. Mindfulness has therefore been framed for business settings and provides organizations with managerial approaches and techniques (Good et al., 2016, Wilson, 2014). The benefits of mindfulness have recently been researched and it has been found that mindfulness not only can have a positive effect on well-being, but also enhance change and innovation on both the individual and the organizational level (Ahlvik, 2019). Those who practice mindfulness have also been found to show more compassion towards others (Ahlvik, 2019). Nevertheless, the use of mindfulness as a tool in organizations is not completely unproblematic. Employees of organizations are increasingly expected to practice mindfulness as a way of dealing with stress, however, many organizations use mindfulness irresponsibly as they rarely deal with any adverse emotions or experiences that may surface as a result of mindfulness practice (Karjalainen et al., 2019; Islam et al., 2017). Karjalainen et al. (2019) define mindfulness as spiritual labor that has been added to existing workloads. It taps into the employee’s spirituality and is used as a resource that can be incorporated in the work and that benefits not only the employee but also the employer. Although it is meant to help employees cope with their workload and stress, it also becomes one more thing on their do-to list, which, as such, may simply add to the stress. Even more problematic, however, is that mindfulness deals with the symptoms rather than the underlying issues at hand. As Arthington (2016: 88) contends, “[Mindfulness is] being used as a technique for the regulation of individual subjectivity that is in line with neoliberalism […] As a result, mindfulness represents a form of psychological power/knowledge, which obscures political and socioeconomic perspectives on the factors underlying unhappiness and distress in contemporary capitalist society.” What this means within the scope of organizations, is that instead of looking at the structures of work, the way we organize work, the organization culture, and whether or not the expectations we place on employees are reasonable, we place the responsibility on employees to work on their ability to handle the symptoms of unsustainable structures and practices themselves. However, it was not only the intensifying of time, lack of flexibility, or the difficulty to combine work with other areas of life that has been central to my research on opting out. Especially several of the men I interviewed felt quite disenchanted with the business world. This disenchantment has included others’ behavior, how they themselves have been treated, and the pressure that they have had to endure. It has also included unethical treatment of others, both of other employees within the organization and of clients (see Chapter Two; see also Biese, 2020). ‘Toxic’ is a word that is increasingly used to describe what many organizational cultures today have become (see for example Blades and Fondas, 2010; Pfeffer, 2018). Worline and Dutton (2017), authors of Awakening

Creating compassionate workplaces

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Compassion at Work: The Quiet Power That Elevates People and Organizations, argue that what the corporate world needs is more compassion. Compassion is not a word that we usually associate with work. Business is hard and impersonal; as Raj Sisodia comments in the foreword of the book, how often have we not heard “it’s not personal, it’s business”? (Worline and Dutton, 2017: ix). Worline and Dutton’s point is that this is exactly the problem; work is highly personal because organizations are filled with people who all have lives, families, feelings, wants, and needs. Therefore, instead of a “soft” value as many would associate with the word compassion, the authors argue that it is, in fact, a hard and strategic value that should not be overlooked. They argue that compassionate work environments increase competitive advantage by improving areas like innovation, collaboration, performance, adaptability, and employee attraction and retention in measurable ways. Simply put, compassion makes the most of employees’ capabilities and affects the bottom line. However, there is an ethical side to this as well. As Worline and Dutton, (2015: 14 and 11) explain, “Compassion is an irreplaceable dimension of excellence for any organization that wants to make the most of its human capabilities”, “[w]ithout compassion, workplaces can become powerful amplifiers of human suffering.” What is needed is a holistic approach to work and organizations. Some argue that this is already happening (Cameron et al., 2003). However, a recent report published by Accenture shows that although there is a growing awareness, progress just is not happening as fast (Sweet and Shook, 2020). Although many talk about change, actual change in how we go about business and everyday work is not happening at the rate we like to think it is. Diversity and inclusion, for example, are not as high a priority as we are made to believe. According to the report, the reason is that managers lack a realistic conception of the company culture. 68 % of the leaders in the study felt the organizational culture was empowering and created a sense of belonging among employees, however only 36 % of the employees agreed (Sweet and Shook, 2020). For organizations to keep up, new management routines must thus be developed and adopted. There is already an abundance of information and resources to draw on regarding this. A greater obstacle, as I see it, is a lack of will to do things differently. We make a lot of assumptions about what can and cannot be done, however, if there is one thing the COVID-19 pandemic has taught us, it is that not only do we have the ability to change, but we can do so at a moment’s notice. Those who have previously felt it is impossible and untenable to work remotely are now making it work. The technology has already been available for years. However, it was not until we as a society experienced a crisis – the COVID-19 pandemic – that we were pushed to adopt new practices and allow employees and team members to work together at a distance. Now that we are ex-

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periencing this revolution of remote work, it will open our eyes to alternative and individual ways of working that we can take with us going forward. What is now happening on a societal level is thus comparable to the individual processes of opting out and in, where a crisis made it clear that something had to be done. The pandemic has thus in a sense triggered an opting out and in journey of its own for organizations, which is driving a seismic shift like the one Mainiero and Sullivan (2006) talk about. The next step that needs to be taken is to create workplaces and working cultures that people do not feel a need to opt out of in the first place. It will not be quick or easy, but then again, opting out never is.

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Index ABC model 50 AI. see artificial intelligence (AI) American Psychological Association (2015) 4–5 Anderson, E. 106, 112 antifemininity 16, 75 antisocial aggression 91 anti-vaxxers 24 artificial intelligence (AI) 23 authenticity, feeling of 34–37, 50 Awakening Compassion at Work (Worline and Dutton) 154–155 Barrett, F. 120 Beck, U. 27, 118 Beck-Gernsheim, E. 118 Belkin, L. 1, 4, 36 Berdahl, J. 83 Bettelheim, B. 75 Blair-Loy, M. 32 bogus self-employment 61 Bourdieu, P. 92 Brandth, B. 126, 127 Brannon 75 bromances 114 Burrows, G. 123, 137 Cabrera, E. 49 career 70, 71–72, 99, 107, 117–118, 128– 130 – boundaryless 48–49 – definition of 49 – linear model 46, 48–51, 64, 65, 67 – models 47–53 – patchwork 52–53 – position 58–89 – protean model 49–50 – success in 65–66 career ladder 28, 63, 64, 67 Careerscape 51 Castells, M. 57 child-rearing philosophies 132 children’s movies, masculinity and 88–89 https://doi.org/10.1515/9783110725797-010

coherence – incoherence to 32–34 – searching for 27–32 Collinson, D. 83 Coltrane, S. 115, 131 computer games, masculinity and 89 comradeship 111 Connell, R. 75, 81, 122, 133 constructive aggression 91 contemporary society 22–27, 33, 38 contemporary working cultures 45–46 – corporate cultures and ideals 71–72 – expectations, breaking free from 53–57 – life and career models 47–53 – success 65–66 – work-life balance 57–65 COVID-19 pandemic 20, 150–151, 155–156 crisis – in career 15, 32–34, 43–44 – masculinity in 118–120 Curran, J. 23 David, D. 75 Davies, B. 100 Demetriou, D. 75 destructive aggression 91 digital technology 152–153 disenchantment 71–72 disguised employment relationships doctoral program 41 Dog-Eat-Dog dimension 83–84 Dowd, N. 125 Dutton, J. 154 Elliott, A. 22, 27, 39 employees, unethical treatment of Eriksson, E. 75 eye-candy 90

61

93–96

face-to-face communication 25, 26 fatherhood 18–19, 100–102, 115–117, 128– 131, 134–138, 140–143. see also stay-athome father

Index

– as caregivers 131–134 – gender equality and 121–123 – gender norms and 138–140 – new vs traditional 123–127 – sustaining social structures 143–145 feminine intimacy 113 flexibility 19, 47, 60-61, 64, 148, 149–153 Finland 5–6 free association-narrative approach 9–11, 69, Freud, S. 75 friendship 111–114

– gender 74, 81 – intimacy and 99–102 – masculine 17, 32, 81, 97, 99–100, 117, 122–123, 136 – threats to 106–107 inclusive masculinity theory 112 individualization 1, 20, 44, 148 industrial revolution 18, 123–124 inexpressive male 7–8 intensive motherhood 132 intimacy 111–114 Jochen, P.

gender 75–77, 81, 90, 138–139 – cultures 7–9 – (in)equality 14, 18, 19, 89, 95, 125–126, 130–131, 133, 143–144 – roles 18, 74, 89, 96, 102, 130 – norms 45, 74, 99, 102, 136, 137 – negotiating 114–118 Gender of Desire (Kimmel) 75 Gerson, K. 135 Giddens, A. 27 Hall, D. 49 Halrynjo, S. 59 hard discourses 101 Harré, R. 100 Harrison, J. 111 Hastings, T. 61 Hearn, J. 77, 83, 92, 101, 106 hegemonic masculinity 16–18, 75–78, 100 – external vs. internal 76 – femininity 77 – gender dynamics 76–77 – Peter’s story 78–80 Heyes, J. 61 high modernity 33, 42–44, 118 Hobson, B. 125 Holgersson, C. 82 homemakers 131, 136 homophobia 18, 112 identity 10, 24–27, 33, 36, 81-83, 106–107, 144 – career 49, 80, 86, 99, 108 – crisis 15, 80

177

89

Kaleidoscopic career model Karjalainen, M. 154 Kimmel, M. 75, 100, 112 Klaassen, M. 89 Kristeva, J. 77 Kvande, E. 126, 127

50–51

LaPointe, K. 66 Lemert, C. 22 Life On The Screen (Turkle) 24 light-bulb moment 32, 96 Maaranen, A. 90, 91 Mainiero, L. 2, 32, 50, 51, 156 Mäkelä, Jukka 133 malestream 8 masculine ideals 74, 76, 81, 91–92, 97– 98, 146 masculine identities 17, 32, 81, 97, 99– 100, 117, 122–123, 136 masculine norms 52, 71, 72, 74–76, 81– 82, 98, 111, 118–119, 147 masculinist/y 16–19, 73, 101–102, 106– 107, 111–114, 122–123, 127, 141 – career, 48, 52 – codes 74 – in crisis 118–120 – hegemonic. see hegemonic masculinity – mediated. see mediated masculinity – mediated 88–91 – transnational business. see transnational business masculinity – in transnational business 81–84

178

Index

– violence 91–93 May, L. 111 media 16, 21, 43, 61 – mass media 23 – social media 23, 24–26, 90 mediated masculinity – children’s movies 88–89 – gender representation 89–90 – gender stereotyping 90 – online pornography and gender roles 89 Medved, C. 101 Men Can Do It! (Burrows) 123, 137 Men, Fathering and the Gender Trap (Suwada) 122–123 Messerschmidt, J. 75 Messner, M. 107, 126 mindfulness 153–154 misconceptions of opting out 38–39 Morgan, D. 125 motherhood 132 multipresence 152 Muntaner, C. 61 Murgatroyd, M. 32, 33 music industry, masculinity and 90 myths of opting out 38–39 new fatherhood 18, 74, 122, 124–125, 131 non-conforming masculinities 112 non-entrepreneurial self-employment 60 norms 9, 12, 14, 16, 17, 19, 97 – gender 138-140 – masculine 52, 71, 72, 74-76, 81-82, 98, 111, 118-119, 147 – societal 75, 79, 99-101, 123, 126, 131, 133, 139 opting in phenomenon 5, 8, 15, 32, 39, 40, 72, 122, 148 opting out phenomenon 3–5, 6–9, 42–44, 71–72, 121–123, 147–148 – authenticity and 34–37 – coherence and 27–32 – contemporary working life and 47–53 – control and 70 – globalized world 21–44 – identity crisis and 85–87

– in the context of contemporary society 22–27 – incoherence to coherence 32–34 – jumping into the unknown 53–57 – myths/misconceptions 38–39 – unethical treatment of employees 93–96 – untypical journey 39–42 – work-life balance and 61–62 Opt-Out Revolution (Belkin) 1, 4, 36 Orloff, A. 138 Pajumets, M. 101, 106 parallel play 111 patchwork career 52–53, 59 Petriglieri, G. 66 popular misogyny 90 pornography 89 Put Work First dimension 84 quick fix as myth of opting out

39–42

racism 13–14 real men 14, 16, 73, 100, 124 reinvention 15, 33, 39, 43 reinvention craze 39, 43 Robinson, S. 114 Sedgwick, E. 77 self-employment 60–61 self-help 15, 22 – industry 26, 39, 43 self-therapy 22 Shockley, K. 66 short-termism 38–39, 42, 47 Show No Weakness dimension 84 Sisodia, Raj 155 Slaughter, A-M. 145 Snarey, J. 127 social media 16–17, 24–26, 90–91 social structures 46, 75, 81, 92, 94, 104, 123, 124, 126 – sustaining 143–145 societal norms 75, 79, 99-101, 123, 126, 131, 133, 139 soft discourses 101 Solomon-Godeau, A. 118 sports 17, 106–107

Index

stay-at-home father 9, 19, 59, 100–101, 121–123 – Christopher’s story 107–110 – Fred’s story 128–131 – Joseph’s story 102–105 – Michael’s story 114–118 – Phil’s story 140–143 – Rick’s story 134–138 Stokes, Colin 88 Stone, P. 99 Strength and Stamina dimension 84 Strikwerda, R. 111 success in career – objective definitions/measures 16, 36, 46, 65-66, 71-72, 87, 143 – subjective definitions/measures 16, 36, 46, 50, 65-66, 71, 143 Sullivan. S. 2, 32, 50, 51, 156 Suwada, K. 122, 126, 133 threats to identity 106–107 Tienari, J. 90 tight-rope society 33 traditional masculinities 144 transnational business masculinity 81–84, 122 – hegemonic masculinity 81–82 – meaning of 81–82 – organizational cultures 81 – sense of dislocation and alienation 85– 87 transparent self-problem 10

179

Trump, Donald 23 truths 7, 14, 23 Turkle, Sherry 24–25 Twenge, J. 26 Unfinished Business (Slaughter) United Kingdom 5–6 United States 5–6 violence 91–96 voluntary simplicity

144–145

21

Way, N. 113 Web Foundation, The 90 Wood, J. 92 work flexibility 149–153 working cultures. see contemporary working cultures working remotely 19–20, 149–153 work-life balance 57–58 – childcare 59–60 – Craig’s story 61–65 – gig economy and digital platforms 60– 61 – position of men 58 – self-employment 60 workplaces 83, 90, 138 – compassionate, creating 153–156 – violence 92 work-related stress 5, 15, 45–46 work-related violence 17 Worline, M. 154