I Had to Row Across the Ocean : A Woman's Solo Odyssey 9780061718861

Citation preview

I

HAD TO

ROW ACROSS THE OCEAN A

WOMAN'S SOLO ODYSSEY

UNCORRECTED

PROOF NOT FOR SALE

-..

m 1

I&fc

tf

oo

oo

oo oo

Day

oo

L/o/h in the Middle of the North

oo

Atlantic

Two

Strokes Back

8

Three Strokes Forward

9

Storm

10

Theodore Roosevelt's Burial at Sea

1

Where's the Rest ofIt,

oo

Petrels

Bad Breath

13

The Weather

14

Hurricane Danielle

15

I'm Alive!

16

Losing Consciousness

17

Independent Spirits

18

Pam

19

Philadelphia

is

Weird

ooo

ooo

ooo

In

ooo

ooo ooo

ooo

ooo

and What Ate It?

ooo

12

Settles

oo

ooo

viii

Table of Contents

PART

II

The Journey Home 1

ooo

The Tragedy of"Civilus"

2

A Comedic Flirtation

3

The History ofMuhammad Ali

4

Returning

5

The Romance of Being Merely

Afterword

to

ooo oo

Slay the Sea Monster

ooo

Acknowledgments

ooo

Human

Bow

Storage

Compartment

Bow Bulkhead Bow Hatch

EPRIB

(Distress Beacon)

Location

Gunwale

(Starboard)

Rowing Deck

Cockpit or Footwell

Gunwale (Port)

Main Hatch or

Cabin Hatch

Desalinator

Compartment

Cab'in Bulkhead Cabin Roof

Cabin

Stern Stern Hatch or

Roof Hatch

Transom

PART

THE JOURNEY OUT Have

Let Us

Security

is

Faith

mostly a superstition.

It does not exist in nature,

nor do the children of men as a whole experience

Avoiding danger

is

no safer in the long run than out-

right exposure.

Life

is

either a daring adventure, or nothing.

To keep ourfaces toward change and behave

it.

like free spirits

in the presence offate

is

strength undefea table.

—Helen

Keller

///

know I rowed across

the end, I

heart, but in the beginning, I wasn't

In January 1998, I asked

my

explorations, should I write

the Atlantic to find

aware that

uncle, "IfI write

it

eye,

"Who wants

to

too

young

as a tear-soaked muddle. "There

"

my

life

it

write

to

was

challenge in that,

—

read the history ofhalfa

Tragedy, he explained,

greatest stories in

my

a book about

can write his or her

life

my

missing.

he said, "A romance

must be a romance. " He explained that I was history:

was

as a comedy, a history, a tragedy, or

a romance?" With a twinkle in his

my life as a

it

"boring." Anyone over the age

life

?

ofthirty

is

no

uncle counseled. "Comedies are fine, but the

are about romance.

I didn't doubt that

my

uncle spoke the truth, but there

was a

problem. I had no experience with romance. None. I was thirtyfive. Tragedy, I could write.

Comedy, I could write. Even

I could write. Romance was out of my

map of my

life,

history,

depth. If I had charted a

I would have placed romance on the far side of an

unexplored ocean, where ships would drop off the edge of the world

and the

legend at that edge of the

map would read,

"Here there be

sea tnonsters.

I considered myself a thoroughly modern

woman. As a gradu-

ate of Smith College, I embraced the notion that our culture

evolved to the point where a

of an Odysseus. Like

woman

had

might openly take on the

role

women of our own choos-

the epic hero in Horner's Odyssey,

We could set out on epic quests we could be independent and internally motivated. Women could be tested and not found wanting in trials ofcourage, resourcefulness, endurance, strength, and even solitude. What I did not know was that exploring these vaguely masculine qualities could be clever. ing.

Like men,

would not be enough for me. I am, until

my boat dropped offthe

after

all,

a woman.

was not

edge of the world, into the realm of

sea monsters, that I began to understand some missing.

It

of what I had been

CHAPTER

1

The Quest Begins June

14,

1998

latitude north 35:52, longitude west 75:34 the Outer

LET'S FACE

Banks of North Carolina

NORMAL, WELL-ADJUSTED WOMEN DON'T

IT:

row alone across oceans. According

Rowing

Society, in

solo across

on Sunday, June rowboat

to the

sleepy beach

the

officer in trip.

14, 1998,

Oregon

I

1

didn't let this

drove

my old

had ever rowed

worry me. About midday gray pickup truck towing a

Inlet Fishing Center, a

lew miles south ol the

town of Nags Head, North Carolina.

I'd already

The

woman

London, England, no

an ocean, but

made

the obligatory stop at the Coast

charge had done his best to talk

More men had walked on

the

moon

me

a very simple legal precedent:

men had been

the coast of the United States in rowboats couldn't very well stop

me

just

because

passed the Coast Guard inspection,

backed

I

my

line.

The

bound

was

was

a

tallest part

Pearl.

The

out of making

I

stood squarely

allowed to leave

for

Europe. They

free to go.

down

a

ramp and

boat was six feet wide at

of the rear cabin

station.

woman. Once my boat

twenty-three-foot rowboat

launched the American point.

I

I

Guard

than had successfully

rowed alone across the North Atlantic. Nonetheless, behind

Ocean

to the records of the

sat four feet

its

widest

above the water-

In the center of the vessel was a rowing deck about the size of

6

I

Hud

to

the cargo bed in sky,

Row

Across the Ocean

my

Ford F-150.

The rowing deck was open

but there was a watertight cabin

at

the back of the boat.

I

to the

would was

enter the cabin through a waterproof Plexiglas hatchway that

nineteen inches square. This window-sized door between the cabin

and the rowing deck was the main hatch.

To

The

call the stern

my

couldn't

I

could

as

a "cabin" exaggerates the space.

watertight sleeping area was slightly larger than a double-wide

coffin. I

compartment

lie

sit

erect without hitting

down with

a

few inches

my head on

to spare. In the floor that served

bed there were eight small hatches. These opened into

storage

compartments that contained

clothing, and other gear. a cockpit that

was two

my electrical equipment,

little

tools,

Between the cabin and the rowing deck was wide and sixteen inches deep. This

feet

footwell

would

weather

station.

cockpit.

One bench housed

little

serve as a kitchen, bathroom, navigational center,

There were two small benches on

cooking gear when they were not in

use.

Like

stored

I

and

either side of the

the desalination system that

water into drinking water. In the other,

salt

the ceiling, but

would turn

my

stove

my rowing station,

and the

cockpit was uncovered and open to the weather. I

knew

every inch of the boat, which I'd built with the help of

friends in the bay of an old

warehouse in Louisville, Kentucky. We'd

conjured the vessel out of twenty-three sheets of marine plywood following a British design by Philip Morrison.

The rowing deck was

twelve inches above the surface of the water, and the tops of the

gunwales, or sides of the boat, were two and waterline. If the boat hadn't been small

on ocean swells

like a cork,

a half feet

enough

to ride

up and down

any wave bigger than two and

would have washed over the

sides.

Water

that

above the

washed

gunwales ran out through four scuppers, or drain holes,

a half feet

in over the at

the level

of the rowing deck.

The

boat was designed like an old egg crate. Nine mahogany ribs

ran from side to side. Eight of the ribs were divided by bow-to-stern stringers,

one on each side of the centerline. These

ribs

and stringers

The Quest Begins

7

separated the inner hull into a checkerboard of watertight compart-

We

ments.

fiberglass,

glued the sections with epoxy, reinforced the seams with

and

employee,

a city

of carbon

Of

the voids with urethane foam.

filled I

the salary of

couldn't afford to build a lighter, sleeker craft out

fiber or Kevlar.

the eleven compartments under the rowing deck, seven stored

two housed my

food,

On

sea anchors,

and two larger compartments

my

the center of the boat next to the keel held ballast,

I

would use

seawater.

Each

of the

two

over twenty-five gallons. In rough weather,

I

in

ballast tanks. For

ballast tanks held just

would

fill

the tanks,

placing four hundred pounds of water weight next to the keel at the

bottom

of the boat.

gravity,

making

the boat did

it

flip,

This weight would lower the

more

vertical center

down. If

difficult tor the boat to flip upside

this ballast

woidd help

it

to self-right.

of

No

one had

ever rowed across the North Atlantic without capsizing.

The American

My

days.

Pearl was laden with gear and food for a hundred

sponsor, Sector Sport Watches, had chartered the motor

launch Sinbadior members of the press, and they had hired a fishing vessel

named Handful

to

tow the American Pearl

to the center

span

under the Bonner Bridge, which connects Hatteras Island with the mainland. About a dozen friends had traveled from of Louisville, Kentucky off.

— home

of all great

my hometown

ocean rowers

—

to see

me

A few of them were with me aboard the Handful, but most were

relegated to watching from the press boat. I

wished that Gerard could have been

was the only person the labyrinth

I

in

Gerard dAboville

there.

my circle of friends who could truly appreciate

was about

to enter.

This world-renowned Frenchman

had not only rowed solo across the North Atlantic but also rowed alone west to east across the Pacific. Gerard had traveled to North

Carolina to

assist

me

my

Standing next to diminutive.

He was

with

final preparations.

six-foot frame,

Gerard had seemed almost

no burly Hercules, but rather

refined features. His

a small

man

manner was easy and unassuming, but

with

at the

8

/

Had

same time lege,

I

Row

to

Across the Ocean

entirely elegant.

To

lusted after his mind.

Gerard had exclaimed,

As Gerard and cables, he

made

Gerard had

them.

barge!"

"It is a

discussed knots, hardware, the rudder, and

I

suggestions to improve the margins of

anchors, and he spent the better part of to

learned at Smith Col-

he saw the American Pearl

was very concerned about the strength of

ments

I

definite opinions about the

my journey. When

technical elements of for the first time,

apply a phrase

When

the

my

parachute-shaped sea

two days making improve-

wind was against me,

sea anchors at the back of the boat,

and

my safety. He

I

would deploy the

like the parachutes that

race cars or the space shuttle, the sea anchors

would slow the

slow

drift of

the American Pearl.

The

anchors would help to keep the boat perpendicular to the

oncoming waves, making the boat

less likely to capsize. I

had three

different sizes to use in varying conditions. In adverse winds, but relatively

calm

seas,

would deploy

I

my

biggest sea anchor. This

anchor would firmly hold the boat. In rough water, the boat must be able to

move with

the waves or the sea anchor will either tear apart

which

or break the fitting to

was

my

smallest of the three.

is

it

attached. So,

When

conditions

my

storm anchor

made

decide between the largest parachute or the smallest, the one that was satisfied.

medium

Doubt tinged

size.

his voice

After

all his

when he

told

it

difficult to

I

went with

work, Gerard wasn't

me,

"I

hope they will

do the job."

We

discussed the dangers of capsizing. Gerard explained, "You

think you will become used to upside down, every time

me

that he'd been

He'd

lost his

memory was tell

to

me

but you never do.

When the boat is

as frightening as the first time."

on deck during one of his capsizes on the

temper and gone outside during

understatement he

sic

is

it,

said,

"This

written on his face.

I

is

a storm.

He

told

Pacific.

With

clas-

not good," but the pain of the

waited, hoping that Gerard

more, but he stopped himself.

It

was

as if

would

he didn't want

encumber my experience with too much foreshadowing.

I

told

The Quest Begins

myselt,

I'll

suggested

I

the boat in a capsize,

Gerard was

been

were eloquent. thing

else, a

ficult.

I

is

I

safety tether so

doubled

European Parliament, and duty

my

departure. Saying goodbye had

many

didn't exchange

sense of sorrow.

The

it

Rowing easy.

think Gerard understood that

was going

to hurt.

As an

a little, but there

was the kind

I

think he recognized

I

athlete,

I

who

of person

how

just

understood physical pain.

Gerard could not

tell

me was

that crossing an ocean of

would tax more then muscle and joint.

Standing on the deck of the Handful and looking

American

Pearl,

The American

I

was proud

of

my little

Pearl might have been a

my homemade

The

barge.

we reached

crest at 1:00 p.m. After

of the

Handful explained that the

for another hour.

an incoming

tide,

Not wishing I

wake me up

the

and blue rowboat.

red, white,

homemade

down on

barge, but she

was

tide chart indicated that the high tide

would

her to

was some-

twelve hours a day, day after day, for months would not be

What

solitude

me

words, but Gerard's eyes

lessons of the ocean can be dif-

inclined to go the hard way, and

much

could get out from under

length.

its

imagined he envied

I

I

of the

just before

We

difficult.

my

member

a

him home

called

when Gerard

not be going on deck during any storms, but

lengthen

9

turned to

to

my

tide at the bridge wouldn't turn

row

a

2,800-pound boat against

friend

Molly Bingham and asked

after the tide shitted.

deck of the Handful and took

the bridge, the captain

a nap.

A

Then

1

stretched out on the

2:00

little after

p.m.,

Molly

woke me. I

rose

and began the task of hugging friends goodbye. Noreen

Powers and Scott Shoup had been invaluable captains of people

who

me

helped

to build the Atnerican Pearl.

the other chief builder, hadn't been able to

tucky to the coast. for

I

make

in the

Bob

Hurley,

the trip from Ken-

asked Noreen and Scott to

tell

Bob goodbye

me. Noreen and another friend, Louise Graff, wished

me

Scott pulled the American Pearl alongside and held her steady. I

climbed over the

rail

of the Handful And took

team

my

well.

Then

place aboard

my

10

/

little

Had

to

Row Across

me

"barge." Scott tossed

Ocean

the

the bowline and gave the American

Pearls gentle pat on her nose.

At

precisely 2:18 p.m.,

and pulled three colossal if some joker

strokes.

had anchored

been napping.

The

dropped

I

the.

was already

I

The

boat didn't move.

I

wondered

American Pearl to the bridge while

than twenty yards away. This

less

self-conscious.

My sponsor had

polo shirt and lime green shorts.

a blue

into the salt water

I'd

boat with the photographers snapping pictures

and shooting video hovered good.

my oar blades

The

uniformed

not

is

me

in

accen-

ill-fitting shorts

tuated the extra fifteen pounds I'd deliberately packed on before the trip. I felt

ungainly.

I'd better get this barge moving.

The

my legs. These weren't dainty limbs.

sliding seat allowed

I'd

been training

almost three years, logging endless hours rowing

and down the Ohio River. seated row. press

I

more than 650 pounds. Even the

as possible, placed

a

could pull twice

to hassle

me.

my

my body weight on

The

At four-and-a-half

me

I

slid

my

seat as far

a full

miles per hour, at a

I

would

cross the 3,600

walking pace.

twenty minutes to row the

Atlantic Ocean. Boats in the

turn around long before

flotilla

that

first

mile to the sea

two

Inlet

accompanied

reached open ocean.

I

pass the sea buoy, the last

The

forward

wasn't exactly

I

buoy that marked the separation between Oregon

circles.

could leg-

boat began to inch toward France. After

Ocean

miles of the Atlantic

took

I

the

football players in the weight

few more strokes, the boat picked up speed, but

It

up

single scull

my oars in the water, and shoved with all the force

legs could muster.

flying.

to use

for this trip for

did sit-ups holding a 45-pound plate, and

room had stopped trying

my

I

me

vessels navigated

As

1

and the

me began

to

was about

to

around

me

in

slow

friends aboard the press boat said their goodbyes,

and

they headed back toward the bridge.

The Handful was

the last vessel to leave.

Handful had supervised

me

my

The crew aboard

the

sea trials, and they were reluctant to bid

farewell. Finally, even the

Handful showed me her

stern.

Because

The Quest Begins

1

rowers row racing the direction of where they have been, rather than the direction they are going,

and smaller halt an

as

it

I

could watch Handful getting smaller

motored toward

hour before

I

safe harbor.

rowed

I

another

tor

stopped to change out of the blue polo shirt

covered with Sector Sport Watches logos and into a white shirt that

would

reflect the heat of the

When

June sun.

returned to rowing,

I

course and head out toward me.

Two

alongside.

"Are you the "Yes,"

As

few minutes

with beers

sat

the boat

later,

in

came

hand; one asked,

who's trying to row across the Atlantic?"

answered, pulling hard, trying to place some distance

I

between our

"We

A

middle-aged men

woman

noticed a sport fishing boat alter

I

vessels.

came over

just

zoomed

they

to

oft,

tell

you that you're completely

leaving

me

in a

nuts."

cloud of engine exhaust,

I

considered the merits of their claim. That morning, a radio inter-

my face and peppered me with another. He opened with "Why?"

viewer had thrust a microphone into

one obnoxious question

This

one of

is

what you do, he

my

after

least favorite questions. If

will not ask

why do you want

to cure cancer?"

subtle accusation that one

simple question, and

The

evasions.

you why you do

I

is

no one

says, "Doctor,

the question "why"

doing something wrong.

comes

"Why"

is

a

not a

couldn't produce a simple answer, only simple

best evasion ever uttered

Mallory when he was asked,

He

With

if,

someone approves of

answered, "Because

it's

"Why

came from George Leigh

do you want

to

climb Everest?"

there."

my evasions, I responded to the interviewer with of my own: "Why does an acorn strive to become an oak?"

Beginning questions

"Why does

a caterpillar lock itself into a

cocoon before

it

becomes

a

butterfly?"

Either missing the point or choosing to ignore tor followed

Atlantic

with a different question:

when you can

"Why

sail

"Why

row

sail?"

when you can

fly?"

was

my return.

a

it,

my

inquisi-

boat across the

12

/

My was

Hail to

Across the Ocean

inquisitor talked about the deprivation

letting myself in for.

It

was easy

Sharing this

way

A

How

to

man prided

himself on his intelligence.

looked him in the eye and answered, "The path-

I

enlightenment

through the room with

is

a

thousand demons."

look of surprise skidded across the interviewer's face. His eyes

my journey

widened, and for an instant he seemed to understand that

was not about rowing

a

as intellectual as they

that interviewer

Through confront a

I

"Why do it?"

to see that this

fault,

and the pain that

my

doorway

were physical, and

seemed

solitude

and exposure

some higher

true nature of the

As

my

one precious moment

demons

I

believed

this confrontation,

I

expected to find

intellectual awareness. I

would

to uncertainty,

would

audacity to go looking for them. ful in

for

to understand.

demons. Beyond

to

A to point B. My goals were

boat from point

It

duel,

1

Had

known

I

the

never would have had the

my first day; I was

was

I

still bliss-

ignorance.

the sun began to

toward shore.

A band

set, I

watched seagulls and terns head back

of red splashed up from the western horizon,

and streaks of orange, yellow, and purple striped the sky above. As the sunset faded, the light from the 156-foot tower of the Bodie Island

Lighthouse served

as the last

row

until the curve of the

lost

my

reminder of

civilization.

ocean rose to extinguish

I

wanted

to

this light, but

I

duel with the lighthouse for the unglamorous reason that

I

was hungry. Cheese enchilada ranchero was the

first

the stack of meals under the rowing deck. altitude mountaineers, calories a

was

Ocean

rowers, like high-

need to consume between 4,000 and 5,000

day to avoid losing muscle mass. Typically,

pounds of food per I

treeze-dried dinner in

day, but because

I

this

is

about two

packed freeze-dried dinners,

able to reduce the weight to about

150 pounds of food

for the

one hundred days.

Not only does freeze-dried food provide high

minimum

caloric value at a

weight, but the packaging also "swims" well.

No

one had

The Quest Begins

ever rowed across the North Atlantic without capsizing.

hatches were weathertight, but experience taught

not

mean

get into

waterproof.

my food

If

me

Luckett Davidson had helped

protein.

fill

We consulted

my

in chocolate

I've

like a teenager,

list,

She

packed

experts in sports nutrition, but the most

came from Gerard

months. She can eat

nutritional plan.

to the vitamins she

d'Aboville.

the boat with things she likes to eat.

took out the food

machine. As

have trouble getting enough

She added protein supplements

helpful expertise "Just

with

that, as a vegetarian, I'd

for each day.

various food

food swims well; Hershey's chocolate does not.

said, freeze-dried

was worried

deck

that this did

trip, I tested

my washing

packages by running them through

My

down, water would

the boat flipped upside

compartments. Before the

me

1

it

will

The

He

told Luckett,

trip will

be three

do no harm." With

this,

crossed off the oatmeal PowerBars, and wrote

PowerBars.

For breakfast each dav,

I

would

some

eat

didn't plan to stop for lunch. Instead,

I

variety of granola.

would graze on

would have some

monotony

as

I

— these snacks

candy

special snack. Crackers, nuts,

were not so much about nutrition

I

a variety

of food bars throughout the day. In the middle of the afternoon,

the

I

they were about breaking up

we packed powdered

of food bars. For liquid calories

Gatorade, hot chocolate, and a variety of dried soups. After dinner, deck.

I

lashed

down my

The wind blew from

and the night sky looked

oars and secured everything on

shore at about eighteen miles per hour,

as

dark

as a cavern.

Soon

a noisy

thun-

derstorm overtook me. Rain beat down, and lightning darted from cloud to ocean.

and turned ceiling, I

I

climbed into

off the flashlight.

and

a

my

As

I

drop of cold water

lunged for the

inch-thick sheet of

light.

We'd

cabin, stretched out

lifted a

fell

into

knee

my

it

on the mat,

bumped

against the

eye.

constructed the roof from a 3/8-

mahogany plywood,

reinforced with a layer of

six-ounce fiberglass. Twelve brass bolts secured two solar panels to the roof. Rainwater dripped in through one of the bolt holes. That's

14

Had

/

Row Across

to

My first

just great.

the

Ocean

day at sea and I have a leak already. Gerard had

warned me about such

things. "At sea in a boat, there

is

always some-

thing that needs repair. If you stop rowing every time you hear a

squeak or some imperfection draws your attention, you will never

recommended

reach France." Gerard had ings for such tasks.

my mind,

settled in

F 11 plug the leaky bolt on I

rolled

would be

the current

than

to France

it

so powerful that

would be

Sunday.

away from the annoying

was twenty miles from shore. Once

I

row back

to

I

With

would be

it

this issue

drip.

entered the

Gulf Stream, easier to

North Carolina.

to

Gerard rowed from the United States to France, he

Cod, Massachusetts, which

Sunday morn-

set aside

I

lett

row

When

from Cape

nine hundred miles closer to France.

is

picked North Carolina because

it is

I

Gulf Stream.

closer to the

In the 1760s, while he was the postmaster general of North

Amer-

Benjamin Franklin noticed that American ships could make the

ica,

journey from the colonies to England in an average of four weeks.

The

average for English ships was six weeks.

tigated, he learned that

a current of

warm

Carolinas before captains

it

way

water that traveled north from Florida and the

turned northeast toward Europe. American sea

knew enough

to take advantage of this

across the Atlantic.

Europe; the I

it

as they

was counting on the Gulf Stream

John Hoare, had

believed

mean

it

Two

not.

I

a

push

British rowers,

me

two-thirds of the

David Johnstone and Their boat reached

scientific reasoning,

and

be sound. Just because Johnstone and Hoare died doesn't

To

refine

my

research on the matter,

seminar on the Gulf Stream from Jenifer Clark,

guished scholar

who maps ocean

that the benefits of

make up

came home.

had studied their

they were wrong. Right?

had taken

to

warm-water current

tried a similar route in 1966.

men did to

Franklin inves-

Nantucket whaling captains had mapped

going toward Europe and avoid I

When

tor the

currents. Jenifer

I

a distin-

had convinced

me

rowing with the Gulf Stream would more than

added distance. Gerard seemed

didn't debate the issue.

less certain,

but he

The Quest Begins

my barge, I would

In

my

closed

need

all

the natural assistance

could get.

I

49

eyes and listened to the echoes of thunder. In

Julius Caesar crossed the Rubicon River with his

quer Rome, he said, "Jacta alea

army on

1

the

I

B.C.E., as

way

to con-

By tomorrow evening,

est" (the die is cast).

I will have crossed my Rubicon and there will be no going back.

Each time the thunder and lightning shattered my out the flashlight and checked the compass.

sleep,

I

pulled

read 45 degrees; the

It

thunderstorm was blowing the American Pearl toward the northeast.

At

closest point, the

its

Gulf Stream was southeast, but France was

northeast. If every squall blows rain. I set the

The

next thing

out the main hatch.

I'd rolled out of

The

I

The

my safety tether into I

be praying for

I'll

sleep.

Time

heard was the beep of the alarm.

I

but this was different.

Then

France,

alarm for 5:30 a.m. and went back to

For well over a decade,

deck.

me toward

pulled on

bed before dawn

my

life

smell of salt air

go rowing,

my

and poked

vest

my

filled

to

to row!

nostrils.

I

head

clipped

the steel cable that ran the length of the rowing

stood to scan the horizon.

sky to the east was

just

The wind

beginning to

shift

my

tousled

from black

hair.

to gray.

I

searched the southwest horizon, trying to find the light from Bodie Island.

There were no landmarks. There was no land.

now; no diving overboard, no swimming back stared into the black water.

I

bottom. closed.

I

my

placed

Then

I

sat

No

Fm committed

to shore.

rope on board could reach the

oars in their oarlocks and screwed the gates

down on

the rowing seat and slipped

my

feet into

the shoes that were bolted onto a footplate. Rowers call this plate a foot-stretcher, but

no

six-foot-tall

woman who

wears size-twelve

shoes wants to think about having her feet stretched.

By

my

this time, the eastern sky glistened pink,

first full

That

is, I

day

the oars. Like most rowers,

at

began by

motion was

the knees. Next,

to send the I

I

was ready

for

started at the finish.

sitting in the finish position: legs straight, shoul-

ders and head high, arms bent, with the oars first

I

and

drawn

into

my ribs. The

hands away from the body and out over

pivoted from the hips to swing

my

torso forward.

16

Had

/

Once my I

let

my

to

Row

Across the Ocean

shoulders were as far forward as

could comfortably reach,

knees bend.

Approaching the catch position.

knees.

I

The

At

like

is

doing

deep knee bend

a

that point

I

my

lifted

foot-stretcher, driving

my

legs

Then I swung my body open leaned back until

I

the end of the body swing,

down

until

my

and a I

a

my ribs,

As

the handles

couple of hundred thousand

it. I

my ribs pushed

I

That was one more

stroke

my hands

—

only one million

to go.

a

sandwich bag

full

I

mixed

of granola

my

hands and on

backside from years of rowing in flat-water racing boats.

By

that time,

my

Broken

blisters

tions at sea are bad. Ergo, blisters are bad.

cabin,

I

blisters.

For lunch,

grabbed two food

The

I

folded myself through the

retrieved the first-aid kit

I

Tiger's Milk, gel

of food bars

a

for

By 12:15

is

gels tasted

me and some were

p.m.,

full-

inversely related to their nutri-

I

Lift,

PowerBar, Clif Bar,

half dozen other companies.

was GU. Some bars and

were good

and avoid

my

mixed up some powdered Gatorade and

had bars from Mountain

and

and covered

bars.

palatability

tional value.

I

rowed

can become infected. Infec-

heels with a layer of moleskin to reduce the friction

blown

I

my

heels were beginning to blister.

Blisters grow. Blisters break.

main hatch. In the

a

breakfast in less than seven minutes and

returned to the oars. There were calluses on

until noon.

my

went down the oar blades

until 7:00 a.m., then stopped for breakfast.

munched through

using

seesaw motion of the oars against the

cup of powdered milk and dumped into

straight.

my shoulders passed over my hips,

pulled the oars toward

I

rising out of the water.

rowed

were nearly

stomach muscles tightened. Just before

down. This action triggered

went up,

my

pushed off the

itself. I

until they

arms. Before the oar handles actually hit

fulcrums of the oarlocks.

torso touched

hands and allowed the oars to drop

and catch the water. Then the process reversed

and

my

sliding seat rolled forward until

in a seated

My favorite energy

good and some did

not.

Some

not.

was rowing again.

If

I

planned to cross the ocean

The Quest Begins

than three months,

in less

I

couldn't afford to be leisurely about the

rowing schedule. For each hour minute break.

at the oars,

would subtract time from the next break. At hard-nosed, but

allowed myself

1

bathroom break ran longer than

If a

17

minutes,

five

first this

a five-

seemed

I

a little

minutes every hour translated into an hour of

five

daylight lost in a twelve-hour day.

When one is

rowing

Not counting my away

shorts er. I

my

for

had

and

a

I

I

had

a

1

packed two

had

and

had three

I

which

shorts, shirts

fleece jackets a baseball

and

a

warm

for foul

cap.

bag and

weath-

For the heat,

cap with flaps to protect

a thin fleece sleeping

packed

I

and three pairs of

Gore-Tex jacket and trousers

white sunsuit and

ears.

an ocean, every ounce counts.

sponsor's polo shirt

arrival in France,

on board.

For cold,

a barge across

a heavier

my neck

Polarguard

sleeping bag. Packing an extra jacket or an additional sleeping bag

was out

of the question.

When

Afnerican Pearl, I'd had a

the Coast

the

aboard. After the inspection was

life raft

complete, Gerard questioned whether

forty-pound

Guard had inspected

I

actually planned to take the

raft.

Technically speaking,

the

Coast Guard specifications

twenty-three-foot vessel didn't require a

Coast Guard didn't have rules

for

for

a

Admittedly, the

life raft.

transocean rowing boats. Accord-

ing to their records, no American, male or female, had ever rowed solo across an ocean.

Gerard argued woiddn't get any

Even

if it

that, unlike lighter.

added only

a

week

ence between success and a

slow boat."

"a

slow boat

With is

to

food stores, the forty-pound raft

extra weight

my

failure.

trip,

would slow me down.

that might

Gerard was

mean

clear:

the storms certain to arrive in the

more dangerous than

The American equipped

The

my

the differ-

"A heavy boat fall,

is

he told me,

a fast boat."

Pearl was, Gerard argued, "an extremely well-

Constructed from

lifeboat."

might break up, but only reason to use a

it

wood and foam,

the boat

wouldn't sink. Sailors have an adage: "The

life raft is if you

have to climb up into

it."

In the

18

Had

/

end,

Row

to

elected to leave the

I

a simple trade: the

came

Across

in.

going

a quarter

forty-pound

raft

a

went out, and

a

me

to justify

ten-pound library

quarter of a year without people, but

of a year without books was unimaginable.

my

In a compartment under vinyl,

behind. This allowed

life raft

knew I could spend

1

Ocean

tlie

sleeping pad, in dry bags of black

stowed away books by Plato, Shakespeare, Milton, Melville,

I

Emerson, Viktor Frankl, Martin Buber, Dante, Anne Morrow Lindbergh, and

many

others.

and Winston Churchill.

I

packed books about Alexander the Great

I

even took along

Books were such an indulgence that guarded

secret.

less secretive

lectures.

them

as

I

certainly didn't

tell

grandfather's Bible.

kept the extent of the library a

Gerard about the books.

was

I

about the small library of books on tape and educational

These were I

I

my

relatively light,

and because

I

could listen to

rowed, no one questioned whether they would merit their

weight.

THAT EVENING,

REACHED

I

mat and pulled out

the straight road, and thirty-five:

midway

compartment under

Ciardi's translation of Dante's Inferno.

"Midway

the opening line.

into the

in

woke

in our

journey,

life's

I

to find myself alone in a

life's journey.

went

I

reread

from

astray

dark wood."

Have 1 gone astray from

my

lam

the straight

road? I am alone on a dark ocean.

At tells

the entrance to the Inferno, Dante's guide, the poet Virgil,

him, "Here must you put by

soul against

cowardice."

all

ocean journey.

The

I

intention.

I

wish

up the quest

all

I

I

I

was

fully

prepared for

not yet baptized me;

my still

I

hadn't any concept of how deep into

would take me. Rowing

could say that the devil

by myself.

and gather your

of Dante's hell was reserved for the

The ocean had

thought of myself as virtuous. the inferno the ocean

division of spirit

believed

first circle

"virtuous unbaptized."

all

into hell

made me do

was not

it,

but

I

my

took

The Quest Begun

SEEMS AS

IT

IF

19

have always found curiosity to be more compel-

I

My mother insists that my explorations started as soon was born in Florida. My father was the superintenas I could walk.

ling than fear.

I

dent of schools. Mother did her best to raise three children. Mother insists that I

me

she took

me

out of the crib and put

had developed the habit

into a

bed because

of climbing the sides of the crib

and sleep-

ing on the railing.

my

remember

don't

I

first

crib climbing.

home.

a platform at

or

trouble,

maker was trapped. of sitting

announce that

became

down

climb

I

as

busy with

I

was

making

hated being stuck in one place.

was

later

me on

us

sit

on

the trouble-

The

my

brothers

worst part

father

the pedestal,

it

would would

in trouble.

my

a mission in

two-year-old brain to learn

One day

off this stone pinnacle.

my

When my

Mother walked away,

front door. If he found

recall

high and had

feet

us by

on the pedestal was that sooner or

walk through the

It

was perhaps four

Mother punished

As soon

top of the pedestal.

I

a stone pedestal in the

top about fifteen inches square.

its

wandered into

I

It

climb

earliest

There was

ascent of the pedestal.

front hall of our Florida

The

brothers,

I

while

my

how

to

mother was

decided to explore the ominous

The

pillar.

pedestal stood at one end of a long planter. Using a box as a step,

climbed into the planter. plants as handholds.

er's

at eyeball height.

way

I

I

knew

Once on

it,

my

I'd

I

teetered along the edge using

Soon the top

Now it was

wriggled into

Before

Then

merely

father's lap

inched

the summit,

I

a

of the pedestal

I

wanted him

to the top

learned a lesson

than climbing down.

climbing up

as

would have been had my mother put me

I

was out

easier

of the question. I'd gotten

get myself

eluded me.

off. I sat in silence

into view

to read to

I

to cats

and climb-

was trapped,

just

there. Calling for help

myself onto the pedestal;

searching for a

me.

of the pedestal.

known

ers:

is

Moth-

matter of wiggling up the same

when

my way

came

I

I

must

way down, but escape

20

/

Had

to

Row Across

Time slowed bottom

cold, but

to pass. Father

to a crawl. I

came through

burst into tears. Father put

we'd

lost

found

with

Then my worst nightmare came

the front door.

my

down

my

and the stone made

Not having

achievement or

my

his briefcase, took

mother. Mother looked

at

sufficient

predicament,

me

in his arms,

two

the

I

of us as if

our minds: "She's not in trouble." But, Father told her, he

me on

who was

my

to find

felt lonely,

I

dared not cry out.

vocabulary to explain either

and went

Ocean

the

the pedestal.

eight years old.

my being

They summoned my

Duke claimed

older brother

Duke,

that he'd had nothing to

do

on the pedestal.

My brother Lamar came in; he was six. He tried to tell my parents that I'd climbed

up on the pedestal

saw everything, but Lamar had stand him, but for

I

I

by myself. As usual, Lamar

speech impediment.

some reason no one

content to enjoy the confusion.

words

a

all

else could.

even added to

it

By

I

I

was

all

the

this time,

by babbling

knew: "Daddy, peanut, swim, swim, swim, Daddy, peanut,

swim, swim, swim." This was the way of the world. thought they knew

all,

but they didn't.

Lamar spoke

no one understood him. Duke was blamed do, and

could under-

I

learned that

and best avoided.

life

on

a pedestal

is

for

My

parents

the truth, but

something he didn't

cold, hard, unforgiving,

CHAPTER

2

Women and Stomachs June

16,

First

1998

latitude north 36:15, longitude west 74:36

full days at sea: progress:

AT 2:45

a.m.,

I

60

2

miles

WENT ON DECK TO CHECK THE CONDITIONS.

One set of waves

ran from the southwest toward the northeast, while

another set charged out of the north barreling south.

The

collision

of opposing forces tossed the American Pearl like a salad. Watching the intersecting waves, the same to

me

as

did to Leif Eriksson, Christopher Columbus,

it

and James Cook. Indeed, of

imagined that the dark ocean looked

I

this

view of things predates the existence

man. The ocean might not have looked any different

habilis,

Homo

erect us,

or

turned their heads as

I

Cro-Magnon man. did, to let the

I

wondered

wind brush the

it

to

Homo

they had

hair out of

their faces.

The evening was warm.

I

stretched out in the narrow space

between the port gunwale and the rowing the stars.

I

imagined

I

could

feel

station

and gazed up

the rotation of the earth and sense

the isolation of our planet floating in the void of space. ocean teach the

new worlds yet

many to

pilgrims

who passed

this

way

before

What did the

me? Are

be explored or better worlds yet to be discovered?

was busy pondering the measure opposing waves sent

a cap of

at

of

human

progress, the clash of

there

As

I

two

white spray over the gunwale. Suddenly

22

I

Had

Row Across

to

and

feeling small, wet, earth's rotation

Ocean

the

irrelevant,

abandoned

I

supervision of the

and went back to bed.

The morning of June

16 snuck up on me.

The wind was

oars before sunup.

me

I

make

didn't

it

to the

and the swells were eight

strong,

to ten feet. It took several hours for

to find a

would allow the American Pearl to surf the out dropping

my

rowing rhythm that of the waves with-

crests

nose into the troughs.

its

A few minutes before noon,

paused to log

I

my location.

I

pulled

out a small brass sextant and a global positioning system unit. I'd had

poor experiences with early

GPS

units. In 1989,

across Antarctica to the South Pole. satellite navigator.

for

The

This precursor to the

skied 750 miles

I

expedition team carried a

GPS was a "brick," my term

anything you lug on a journey that doesn't merit

its

weight.

One

evening, a hundred miles from the South Pole, the satnav told us

were

was

in Nairobi.

a brick.

thing was the size of a four-slice toaster, and

The GPS was much

willing to trust

With

The

my life

the sextant,

I

to

smaller than the satnav, but

anything that depended on

Then

I

did

I

it

wasn't

batteries.

measured the angle between the sun and the

horizon in a boat that was bucking up and to side.

we

my

down and

rocking side

best to record the precise time, but this

always a bit of a guess. After

had those

I

minutes doing calculations, with which

I

figures,

plotted

I

was

spent several

my position within

a radius of roughly fifty miles. After finishing this lengthy exercise, I

picked up the

GPS,

held

out toward the sky, pushed a button,

it

and waited thirty seconds, and within fifteen despite

its

chocolate.

feet.

The

it

satellite

navigator

dependence on batteries, this

(Gold has no value to

my latitude

delivered

a

may have

GPS

woman

is

worth

and longitude

been a brick, but, its

weight in

.

.

.

alone in a rowboat on the

ocean.)

The deck was in the cabin.

My

unbearably hot.

rowing

life

To

get out of the sun,

I

ate

lunch

would have been more comfortable

the deck had been equipped with a canopy, but that

I

my

it

sponsor insisted

not have anything aboard that might be turned into a

sail.

Women and Stomachs

No

kite,

no wind generator, no

grommets

at

the corners.

had bolted the

mounting them on

hull instead ol

them

I

tarps, not

pivots,

23

First

even a space blanket with

solar panels flat against the

where

I

might have turned

might also be turned

to catch the sun. Pivoting solar panels

to

catch the wind.

The power

generated by the solar panels ran

my water maker

desalination unit that turned salt water into fresh water.

powered er,

my

satellite

The

—

panels

telephone, running lights, radar target enhanc-

and laptop computer. They would power the video camera that

Sector had supplied and insisted that

who

taught

me

to operate the

would your best

friend."

I

camera

I

feared that

would turn

it

said,

"You must

treat

had thought, Can I leave my

a waterproof boxfor three months?

and

The Frenchman

bring along.

I

The

as, you

it

best friend in

water maker was not working,

into an expensive twenty-five-pound

brick.

The system worked by pumping seawater at high pressure through a fine

ceramic

filter

that

removed

wash through the pump purged filter.

salt salt

Salt water entered the system

of the hull.

harbor, but

The

desalinator had

now

air

A back-

and other impurities.

and other elements out of the

through

bottom

a fitting in the

worked well when we

was entering and breaking the

tested

it

in the

suction. In the

harbor, the boat had always been in contact with the water, but in ten-foot swells the hull

bounced

like a child

on

a trampoline.

Some-

times the intake was in contact with the ocean, while at other times it

was bounding

in the

air.

Fixing this problem couldn't wait until Sunday; I

knelt in the cockpit, dropped

my

I

needed water.

head into the compartment that

held the water maker, and disassembled the intake valve.

With my

head upside down, the heat, and the rolling motions of the boat,

began to

feel seasick.

This

the time. Fighting nausea,

isn't

section of spare hose and spliced

it

to the prefilter.

the end of the hose by duct-taping a

hose over the

side.

I

purged the

air

wrench

to

it,

Then

I

I

I

took a

weighted

and dropped the

out of the system and turned the

24

Had

/

Knowing

desalinator on. surize, later,

I

Roiv Across the Ocean

to

went back

would take

of

full

air.

no

had

I

batteries needed.

my manual

that

a

my

settled

it

days before

to pres-

shut off the

I

on Sunday.

manual hand-pump water maker

Two

it

stomach. Minutes

This will never do!

water maker and pledged to work on Fortunately,

several minutes for

which

to rowing,

was

the prefilter

it

I

was

in reserve,

we'd realized

to leave,

desalinator wasn't working. Gerard d'Aboville and

another friend, Kathy Steward, flew to Virginia to get another one.

Kathy was the only member of the team we trusted with

this mis-

sion. This fiery redhead was both resourceful and persistent. It

couldn't find a

somebody a

hand-pump

to build one.

new hand-pump

desalinator to purchase, she'd track

Not only did Kathy and Gerard Kathy

desalinator,

also

Kathy

down

return with

found a spare waterproof

VHF radio. An accident during the week of sea trials had drenched one of my two VHFs, and

Once

took

I

needed

but

I

a full

for the evening.

I

pump

it.

make water

to

to purity the few

liters

had an eighteen-liter tank of fresh water,

held that in reserve for foul weather or emergency use.

were

stiff as

from

my

I

my

17, I

was up well before dawn.

my

I

would be

heels. Blisters

on

all

around,

I

butt as dry as possible. seat felt like a

alligator,

but once

would need

Warm,

bed of 1

my

able to keep an eye

hands

nails

to

hands and

on these

feet

were

areas. Blisters

developed a good

set

be vigilant about keeping

my

backside were more troubling. Until

of calluses

My

took up the oars, but the only serious protests came

backside and

not a concern;

My

used the hand

I

half hour of pumping

The morning of June

on

hadn't been able to repair

down,

the sun went

for dinner. It

I

I

moist environments breed infection.

and

my

shoes like the

mouth of an

got the boat moving, the pain diminished to a

dull ache.

The restroom aboard it." I

the American Pearl was "bucket and chuck

had two two-gallon buckets. The blue bucket was

and bath water. The red bucket was tech but efficient system.

for

for other business. It

washing

was

a

low-

Women and Stomachs First

The rule,

my

ness from his mother, and

My father has

Father.

My tather had

never claimed to read

I

hears with his eyes.

do not believe we

lips,

to

phone.

worry

Then

1

my

my

it

from

but he hears better

aids.

Like our father,

communicating.

had

1

to force myself to use the satel-

might be perfectly content with friends. After lunch,

I

silence,

but

didn't

I

want

telephoned Gerard in France.

my supDiane would pass the word among my friends

talked to Diane Stege, the central contact person for

I

port team in Kentucky. that

Pearl,

inherited

consequence, if I can't see a person,

a

are actually

Aboard the Arnerican lite

As

a

inherited nerve deaf-

Lamar had

brother

through his glasses than through his hearing

Lamar

As

highest-tech system aboard was the satellite telephone.

cannot abide telephones.

I

25

all

was

well.

These two short conversations used 20 percent

battery power, but the solar panels

would recharge the

of

batteries

by evening.

Over the course of the

my exertion. Rowing

day,

I

wore

my

at a steady pace,

120 and 130 beats per minute, but exceeded 160 beats per minute.

a heart rate

as

I

heart rate ranged between

made

I'd never

monitor to track

dinner,

my

heart rate

thought of cooking

as aer-

obic exercise, but standing in the cockpit was like tap-dancing on a teeterboard.

When

spilled hot

I

soup into

around the deck,

my heart rate reached

now I have proof:

cooking

To make up rowed light

for

moon

the face of the

the boat submerged,

deck two is

not

lashed

my

feet

180. I've always

known

hour that

and

spent hand-pumping water,

1

The

wave and plow

I

sky was cloudy, obscuring any

or stars. Every few minutes, the boat

it

it,

into a trough.

When

would

surf

the nose of

spun the boat sideways. Sitting on

a

rowing

above the water looking sideways into ten-foot swells

idea of a

down

sock and hopped

dangerous.

an hour after sunset.

from the

down

for the

is

my

good time. After finishing

my

obligatory hour,

the oars and went to bed. Lying in the cabin,

of home. I wonder how

Lamar is doing.

I

I

thought

26

IN

/

Had

to

How

Across the Ocean

ADDITION TO BEING

mentally disabled.

our family

me

behind the sandy

left

soil

Lamar and

sand with the neighbor boy when

The

for the first time.

he'll dirty

there!"

The boy pushed my brother and

Lamar

left,

and

went with him.

I

new name meant, but Minutes

down ble I

later, I

the street.

1

didn't like

was climbing

heard

Lamar

say,

a

We

"retard."

One

I

a

I

all

and

my

At

trees,

tree."

1

my

grabbed

name

a welt

me

scram-

I

they'd pulled

screen door, they called

Lamar!"

is

cry. I

jumped out of the

a pair 1

fray,

tree

me down.

of feet and pulled them out

was engulfed I

in

an array of

punched and kicked with lifted.

Several older boys

they began to lecture the younger boys about

is

girl,"

Lamar and

four years older,

understanding Lamar,

Lamar with

brother's

brother across the face with a

instant,

guage along with the language of ble

to leave.

a little farther

next thing

woman behind the

not being proper to "fight a

Because Lamar

know what my

Lamar with branches

the center of the

As

had

but he watched

might. After a few minutes, the pile

pulled us apart.

that he

to the ground. Another boy pushed

hit the dirt,

feet.

him

told

knew, seven

from under their owner. In an fists

—get him out of

The

of the boys whipped

as

new

everything

weeping willow

willow switch, and Lamar started to

As soon

brother's

it.

shouted down, "His

and knocked the boy

my

my brother.

or eight boys were switching

him

heard

were busy playing

gang of boys gathered around

"Stop hurting

from the willow. Like the

were delighted to dis-

I

I

didn't

I

Lamar didn't climb

up the branches. Soon

was

mother stood behind the screen

boy's

door shrieking, "He's a retard,

I

of Florida and moved to

cover that the boy next door had a sandbox.

name

When

to be his legal guardian.

the grassy hills of Connecticut.

in the

develop-

is

was Lamar's self-appointed guardian long before

of law appointed

a court four,

I

Lamar

hearing-impaired,

on

I

I

1

ran home.

grew up with

my parents.

it

his special lan-

Because

1

had no trou-

often served as his interpreter. Seeing

his face,

Mother

asked,

"What happened?"

Women and Stomachs Fu ft

My brother told that

beat the boys up.

I

Instead, she spanked

me

some boys

her that

Mother

me

with

a belt for several

willow switch or

who

remember yard:

grow

Mother thought

minutes and threw

I'd hit

Lamar with

the

with the boys

lor fighting

I

felt helpless.

me down

became

me

the feeling that descended on

into a nemesis.

wait tor ness

for a translation.

could "learn some manners."

was being punished

I

branch, and

had.

I

dog

I

a tree

me

didn't look to

out into the fenced dog yard so

couldn't decide whether

I

him with

hit

21

As

as

I

me and would

This feeling would haunt

clear as

every dark

stood in that

any enemy, helplessness would

Learning

alley.

to joust

lie

in

with helpless-

a passion.

BEFORE DAWN ON JUNE 18, checked my position and noted it in my deck log. The winds had driven me well offshore, but was I

I

north of the Gulf Stream.

I

took up the oars and rowed east

knots per hour. After an hour and a half,

checked

my position.

miles east-southeast.

then turned to

it

throw the

on and

GPS

I

told

me

that

turned the

tried again.

GPS

The

into the ocean. /

I

By

was rowing up the down late

afternoon, I'd rowed

countercurrent. east.

I

It

miles toward the

in I

less

my

waited a few seconds,

was the same.

adjusted

my

course, but

is

I

forty-six nautical miles to the of four-and-a-half nautical

me

two-and-a-quarter miles

of nonstop

rowing

to reach the

stopped rowing, the adverse current would carry

I

me

direction. For the first time in the trip,

What am

wanted

an adverse current that

Gulf Stream. If

wrong

I

hands bloody trying to beat the

rowed the equivalent

would take twenty hours

in the

than three

escalator.

miles forward while the current pushed back.

off,

result

am

The Gulf Stream was

Each hour,

six

had traveled

I

pushing me southwest at 2.3 miles per hour.

knew

stopped for breakfast and

expected to have covered

GPS

the

east. Instead,

I

I

at four

I doing here ?

I

wondered,

28

/

Had

to

Rote Across the Ocean

ANY PERSON WHO LEAVES

the comfort of civilization

tined to ask this question from time to time. in the trip struck

you ever

.

.

me

The

asking

so early

it

mental fortitude. Don't let the "have

as a lapse in

"people win.

Still,

des-

is

"have you ever

.

.

."

people are the mall

muffins of a spectator society.

"Have you ever been

alone,

on the ocean?" they

alone,

on the ocean,

at night?"

alone,

on the ocean,

at night, in the

ask.

"No."

"Have you ever been "No."

"Have you ever been

The penchant people

is

redundancy among the "have you ever

for

enormously

irritating.

How are we human

without testing our limits or going beyond what over stalemate.

risk

from hunger, from the sun going is

dark?"

is

." .

.

beings to progress

known ? I must prefer

Why am I supposed to be afraid ofthe dark f People die from injury and

cold,

down ? It

is

an

illness,

but what peril

interior darkness, the darkness

is

there in

of mind, that

deadly, not the dark of night.

Reporter:

"So, are you crazy?"

Tori:

"Probably. Aren't

Reporter:

"Was

there

"As a

girl, I

got over

all?"

some trauma

makes you want Tori:

we

to

do

in

your childhood that

this?"

wasn't allowed to play baseball.

I

never

it."

Reporter:

"Are you an adrenaline junkie?"

Tori:

"You

try

three

months and

rowing twelve hours see

a day, every day, for

how much

adrenaline you get

out of it." Reporter:

"If you aren't going to get any

you Tori:

after

"Can you name the Everest?"

Reporter:

[Silence]

money out of this,

fame?" first

woman

to

climb

Mount

are

Women and Stomachs Fint

29

"Her name was Junko Tabei. Can you name the

Tori:

woman

to ski to the

Reporter:

[Silence]

Tori:

"Her name was first

woman

Reporter:

[Silence]

Tori:

"A

women

North Pole?"

Ann

Can you name

Bancroft.

Shirley

Metz and

to ski to the geographical

touched the pole

at

the

claim to have been the

the

South Pole?"

to ski to the

woman named

first

South

same time first.

were the

I

we

so

Had you

first

We

Pole.

could each

ever heard of

either of us?"

Reporter:

[A

Tori:

"Men

silent shrug]

occasionally garner tame out ot expeditions.

Women

not.

Men

sometimes rewarded

are

rugged individualism.

their a

do

woman

is

Women

are not.

for

When

too robust or too independent, she gets

asked what her boyfriend thinks about

it.

No

one

genuinely cares what the boyfriend thinks; they just

want

to

know whether

Reporter:

"Well, okay then."

Tori:

"Okay

or not she has a boyfriend."

then."

Exhausted from battling the current and to occupy

my

mind,

I

decided

I

would

need of better things

in

give myself thirty minutes to

work on

repairing the desalinator.

Hand-pumping

ot water

would take

minutes, so

investment ot time. a

To

it

my

roll

cockpit,

I

of

tools.

laid the

To make room

bag of

M&M's

unrolled the bag on the floor, an

one ot

my adjustable wrenches

weight.

I

was

as

for the tools

like a

I

went,

on the

wise

opened

I

I

pulled

floor of the

on the starboard gunwale. Once

empty pocket reminded me still

that

taped to the intake hose as a

detached the intake hose and laid

the MSdVl's.

seemed

fortify myself for the undertaking,

bag of peanut ModVTs. Munching M&JVTs

out

I

at least thirty

a useful quantity

it

on the gunwale beside

30

/

Had

to

Hoiv Across the Ocean

This finished,

water maker. Soon hose.

began disassembling the

I

I

system on the

prefilter

needed the wrench that was taped

to the intake

As I reached for the hose on the gunwale to retrieve the wrench,

the boat lurched toward the starboard side.

when

the hose

the

M&M's

I

started to slide.

had

my

Without thinking,

go of the hose and grabbed the bag of M&M's. Then gravity carried the hose over the side and

around

fingers

down

I

I let

watched

as

into the water.

I

leaned out over the gunwale in time to see the wrench, the hose, an

O-ring, and the fitting that attached the hose to the prefilter system sink into the water. For a spilt second

stopped myself. The water hold I

my

considered diving after

several hundredfeet deep.

How long can I

sat

down on

the gunwale and glared at the bag of

were their

fault.

All hands on deck:

M8cM's

as if

women and stomachs

There were other bags of M&M's aboard, but four critical pieces

of equipment were spiraling to the bottom of the ocean. I

but

it,

my breath f Not long enough.

situation

first.

is

I

couldn't fabricate a

new O-ring, scavenge another

Brilliant. If

section of hose,

concoct a fitting to connect the scavenged hose to the desalinator,

and find last

a

weight to sink the hose into the water without using

wrench,

I

would be hand-pumping

my

fresh water all the

my

way

to

France.

IF

LAMAR COULD HAVE

raised an eyebrow, laughed,

the ceiling.

When

I

seen me, he would have shrugged,

and flipped

his

hands palms toward

was young, the hearing aids that

my

father

and

brother used were not technologically sophisticated. Conversations

were kept short and to the point. Extraneous noise made even the simplest exchanges impossible. Because of this, a

nonverbal vocabulary.

meant, "Oops,

A

broken."

it's

things.

I

shared

shrug, raised eyebrow, and silent laugh

Lamar was good

palms-up hand gesture would good affixing

Lamar and

ask,

"How

at breaking things.

you gonna

fix it?"

His

/ was

Women and Stomachs

DARN THE M&M'S,

need water.

I

my spare bilge pump Army knife. Next,

I

pulled the rubber bladder out of

and carved out

rough O-ring with

a

tanks under the rowing deck.

desalinator,

I

my survival

To connect

I

my

in

bag. parts,

I

reassembled the water maker, purged

the air out of the system, and flipped the power switch.

and, after the unit pressurized,

life,

solar-powered water of the voyage.

and smiled

was

weighted the hose with a fishing weight from

Using these conjured

sputtered to

Swiss

the hose to the

cut a section from an irrigation syringe that

first-aid kit. Finally,

my

scavenged a length ot hose from the saltwa-

I

ter ballast

31

First

as

produced the

first

leaned against the bulkhead

I

imagined Lamar nodding

I

it

The pump

of

his approval. Instead

the thirty minutes I'd allotted, I'd spent a full hour and a half on the task.

To make up

for lost

time and to fight the adverse current,

hard on the oars with hardly

a

the

in a foul

mood.

wind that first

for the night,

I

cal miles from the start.

down.

.

.

My

ego got in the way. I

."people with miles.

Now I am

wanted

120

to

nauti-

If I'd caught the Gulf Stream on the second day,

I had planned, I might be 250 or 300 miles from the

How

run with

night? I should have thrown out the parachute of my

impress the "have you ever

idiot.

collapsed onto

How could I have allowed the boat to

sea anchor to slow the boat

as

pulled

break until after 11:00 p.m. After

cooking dinner and preparing the boat

my mat

I

could I have saved the

M&Ms and

let the

start.

I atn an

desalinator parts

go overboard? Just as

bottom

my psyche was

of the ocean, the

sinking low enough to

let

your pride navigate this boat, you've

the

VHF radio on.

ics

compartment, which was under

rolled over

felt it

vibrate with pops

my left

and opened the hatch to the electron-

my

shoulder.

but the clicks and whistles grew louder.

and

the hose on the

sound of clicks and whistles disrupted

thoughts. Not only did you I

visit

I

put

The

radio

my hand on

and whoops. Dolphins!

was

off,

the wall

32

leapt up,

I

the

Had

/

Ron Across

to

Ocean

the

bumping my head on

the ceiling.

Then

A

sliver

main hatch and stepped onto the deck.

a hole in the clouds. Its diffuse light

and

silvery blue,

made

found myself standing

I

I

raced through

of

moon found

shimmer with

the water

middle of

in the

a

pod of

spotted dolphins. Their backs were a purplish gray and their white

Twelve or more dolphins circled the

bellies sported distinctive dots.

boat.

One

leapt into the

air,

followed by another, then another.

They

twisted and spun.

The on

and slapped

side

its

of a sudden I'd

listen.

swim

startled

I

said.

I

Then

it

hands and

I

sudden intake of air,

seemed

to

cock

my knees with

its

It

I

started to

jerked back

smooth head

to

the dolphin only a few its

from behind me. In

a flash of fins, the

stood on deck, bathed in moonlight, allowing

my

feet.

After several minutes,

them high above my head, embracing

lifted

blue cloud in the arc of

my

arms.

with the rhythm of the waves.

My

The

breathing

air

fell

I

spread

a massive

into synchrony

smelled clean, with a vague

sweetness. In the distance, the splash of dolphins I

realized that

beak out of the water, the spots on

its

a loud whistle rose

the boat to sway beneath

myself.

turned

visible.

dolphins were gone.

my

a

I

one of the larger dolphins.

sank to

with

feet away. It lingered

chin clearly

My head began to swim, and

away, and then

"Hello,"

One

clicked.

pectoral fin on the surface of the water. All

my breath. With

My giggles

as if to

its

dizzy.

I felt

been holding

laugh.

They whistled. They

dolphins gurgled.

turned to face the sound and cocked

drew me back

my head,

into

impersonat-

ing the big dolphin. "Thanks."

Within slender lead.

a

minute or two, dark clouds drew

moon, and the clouds faded from

and

down. Then

I

checked the lashings on

my oars, topped off the were securely battened

I

I

crawled back into the cabin and listened to the rising

wind. Before long the Pearl.

light blue to the color of

verified that all the hatches

Storm brewing.

ballast tanks,

a curtain across the

it

was howling out of the west. Rain pummeled

rocked and rolled around

my

little

cabin. Every time

I

Women ami Stomachs checked the compass

it

read 90 degrees:

my course was due east.

wind was pushing me toward the Gulf Stream.

At dawn on June

When

I

my

checked

breeze

19, a stiff

position,

1

still

blew toward the

found myself

I

me

my

rowing naked. This was not taine rode bare-breasted

just a myth; the

The

for

oars,

clothes,

the Second Crusade

is

killed her. I

settled in to

work

at the oars

enjoyed the sensation of the cool morning breeze

I

my damp shirt. There were threebecome my custom, I rowed the first

chilling the shoulders of

foot swells.

my

up

me. The legend that Eleanor ofAqul-

windburn could have

about 6:15 a.m.

storm had

clothes. I'd heard stories about people

toward Damascus during

Wearing wet but clean

east.

fifteen miles closer to

a cockpit full of semitresh water. Before taking

took a bath and washed

The

Go, baby, go!

the Gulf Stream and knocking on the elevator door. left

33

First

As had

With

a half without a break.

the

wind behind me,

I

and fourhour and

was skimming

across the swells at almost seven miles per hour.

After a quick breakfast,

winds died down

oars. Before long, the

became

settled in to

I

a repeat of the

my

second session

day before, hazy, hot, humid, and

oars and checked

my

position.

the oars out of the water

miles per hour.

I

dropped

temperature was 78°F: before.

The

I

a

bring to

my

it to

mind.

I

fired

support team.

warmer than

is

I

than two

it

had been the day

I

wished myself

to

be in no

any truer statement ofhappiness, I cannot

up the

Then

at better

way. Easy swells lolled the boat as

hammock, and

other place on earth. Ifthere

pulled in the

in the elevator.

my

water was moving

satellite

rowed

telephone and sent an e-mail

until dinner.

As

I

was eating

freeze-dried pasta primavera, dolphins arrived to entertain me.

rainbow of

By

thermometer into the water. The water

degrees

five

flat.

reported that even with

was moving northeast

The Gulf Stream: I am

gently as a swinging

The GPS

I

the

and the day

to nothing

lunchtime, however, I'd covered twenty-five miles.

at

my

The

a sunset painted the skv with color that reflected pink

and turquoise off the water. These dolphins didn't have

spots. In

34

Had

/

fact, I

common I

Across the Ocean

could see nothing to distinguish them from

when you

but

Row

to

are alone

on

a

calm ocean

at sunset there

is

nothing

about dolphins of any kind.

pulled out the video camera and attempted to capture the scene

on

film.

ask

me why

I

narrated, "People I

do

this.

sit at

Hmm."

provide an acceptable answer. in the absent corners of

I I

chest pounding,

drinking I

was

tea. It

I felt

was

still full

home

in their living

felt

weekends.

proud not to be searching

My my

mind bragged

early in the trip, the boat

of a

was

for life

to itself about

fingertips. Intoxicated

as if I could ride the crest

of myself.

rooms and

hoped that the picture alone would

holding the vitality of existence in

and

common dolphins,

tidal

by

this

wave while

still full

of food,

CHAPTER

A

3

Shark and an Explosion June 20, 1998

latitude north 36:46, longitude west

70:48

full days at sea: 6

progress:

AT DAWN, THE confirmed

my

282

miles

WATER TEMPERATURE WAS

placement

gathered under the boat.

in the I

Gulf Stream. Schools

of small fish

imagined that sea worms, barnacles, and

other small creatures had begun to attach themselves to

moving

Over the course

hull.

After breakfast, a thought

and

and

swung from

tail

within a few

feet,

swam

hull

and slow

water.

The

my

my

brain; /

eye caught a

ghostly form rose.

Its

head

When the figure passed

side to side like a snake.

it

slow-

me down.

languidly through

scrub the boat. Just then

shadow moving through the

my

of several months, this accumulation of

growth would increase the drag on the

should get in the water

WHICH

82'F,

took the distinctive shape of a hammerhead

shark.

My my

ears

thudded with the sound of

copy of National Audubon

Fishes,

Society Field

heartbeat.

Guide

rowed

pulled out

North American

gently, as

I

my

rowing

if I

might somehow sneak away from the shark.

seat

and

slid

my

oars into the water.

For the next several hours, the shark carved slow boat.

to

I

Whales and Dolphins. After reading about hammerheads,

eased quietly into I

my

circles

around the

36

to

Ron Across

the

Ocean

compared the behavior of the shark

I

I

Hud

/

came

why humans

to understand

to that

of the dolphins, and

tend to anthropomorphize dol-

phins as the "good guys" and sharks as the "bad guys."

hammerhead

visited; the

lurked.

stalked. For the dolphins,

ment; for the shark, of a juicy meal. By

moved

my

late

my

The

dolphins

dolphins played; the shark

boat and

I

provided novel entertain-

boat was an impediment to the prospect

morning, the hammerhead

/ am not getting out of this

off.

The

boat.

lost interest

and

IfI arrive in France with a

two-inch-thick shag carpet of marine growth on the bottom of the boat, so be

Some

it.

say

I'm not willing

hammerheads will attack humans; some say they will not. to

After lunch,

experiment. I

heard spouting in the distance.

A

hundred yards

When

away, a pod of whales lounged on the surface of the ocean.

one blew,

I

saw two columns of mist. Baleen whales: two

Toothed whales have only one blowhole.

I

blowholes.

rowed toward the whales,

my seat squeaked so loudly that the whales submerged. The day of my departure, well-wishers had tracked sand onto the deck of the American Pearl. Some of the sand worked its way into my seat tracks, which caused my seat to grind and squeak with each stroke. This but

irritation fell to the

guys. I'll take

As

I

Sunday

list. It

my seat apart and clean

it

was only Saturday.

in the morning.

visit.

There was

a small

unspotted baby in the

focused on the baby dolphin with such intensity that

I

whisked

Sorry,

put a teapot of water on the stove for dinner, more spotted

dolphins stopped for a

pod.

repair

it

away.

I

turned

my

attention back to the stove.

its

mother

The

single

burner swung from side to side and front to back on two gimbaled pivots.

The whole

contraption was not

My

friend Luckett

that

I

had given

me

the

much

larger than a basketball.

little

kettle to boil the water

my freeze-dried meals. The fuel was propane. Sevencouraged me to locate the stove inside the cabin,

poured into

eral advisors

had

but I'd had a bad experience with carbon monoxide.

A Shark ami an Explosion

WHEN

WAS

I

IN the Antarctic,

we cooked

all

37

our meals

central tent, called the transportable utility retractable

one

in

dome,

better

TURD. One stormy afternoon, spent too much time with the stoves in the TURD. My face turned bright red, and before known

I

as the

I

knew what was happening

my dinner. ful

It

was

classic

was outside

I

in the

snow wolfing up

carbon monoxide poisoning.

I

had

a

power-

headache that lasted for days. To avoid revisiting that experience

aboard the American Pearl, near the main hatch.

I

located the stove outside in the cockpit

became inclement,

the weather

If

the cabin and reach out into the cockpit to

stir a

could

I

meal or

sit

in

to refill the

teapot.

FROM SUNSET TO SUNSET, miles. "I love the in

Gulf Stream!"

from the northeast.

When

Stream can turn ugly is

progressed more than ninety

I

shouted.

I

At midnight,

wind opposes the

the

When

in a hurry.

waves

up. For safety,

I

dropped

and watched the parachute of

its

my

wind blew

current, the

from the

hit

Gulf

side,

large sea anchor over the side

The

fabric drift off the stern.

sea

anchor would keep the boat perpendicular to the waves, making

more

difficult tor a

wave

repair it

list. I

was high enough the batteries,

my

hour or two, but

I

was eager

cleaned and oiled each element of

no longer sounded

I

to

it

to capsize the boat.

Sunday, June 21, to honor the Sabbath as a day of rest, to sleep in for an extra

it

American Pearl to end up

relatively easy for a vessel the size of the

bottom

a

like a

my

I

planned

to get to

my

sliding seat until

chorus of whining harpies.

When

the sun

power the desalinator without drawing down

started the water

blue laundry bucket.

While

maker and ran the the bucket

was

fresh water into

filling

with water,

I

plugged the bolt holes in the cabin root with epoxy putty.

Next

my

I

took a bath.

I

washed

my

shirt,

then

body. After these were relatively clean,

I

my

shorts,

and then

dunked my head

into

38

Had

/

to

Rotv Across the Ocean

the bucket of cold water and lathered

Once

detergent.

clean,

The

pair of shorts.

risk diaper rash

The

The

had

I

last task

to

on

hair with Joy dishwashing

my wet shirt back on and pulled out a dry

would dry while

shirt

by rowing

cabin roof to dry. waterline, so

put

I

my

in

wet

shorts.

I

rowed, but

I

hung the wet

I

shorts

my

repair

list

was

to find

something

to block the

foil

wrappers from

my tender my freeze-

dried dinners to cover the inside of the Plexiglas, but then I

had a small zip-top bag with decorations

my

July celebration. Because

technical

take credit for bringing

for a

team was French,

sponsor was Italian, and Kenneth Crutchlow,

to

on the

keep an eye out for breaking waves.

considered using a few of the

bered that

to

cabin roof was only about four feet above the

sun from pouring through the stern hatch and scalding feet. I

want

didn't

be brazenly American on the Fourth of

Fourth of

my

who would

of us together, was British,

all

remem-

I

July. I'd

I'd

major rightly

planned

packed a goofy

three-cornered hat and miniature copies of the Declaration oflnde-

pendence, the great seal of the United States, and portraits of U.S. presidents. I

figured I'd rather look up at U.S. presidents than used dinner

wrappers, so

I

duct-taped portraits of George Washington, John

F.

Kennedy, and Andrew Jackson to the inside of the stern hatch. With those fellows above me,

locked in a plastic bag. thirteen

men

didn't think

I

I

it

fair to leave all

kept taping presidents to the ceiling until

stared grimly

down.

I

added the Declaration of Inde-

pendence and the Great Seal of the United States I

decided I

I

my

should save

took up the oars

at

for balance.

about 10:00 a.m. and rowed until noon.

One message was

for

my

and

I

a half hours

I

decided to send

friends in Kentucky; the

other was a letter to the Kentucky Bar Association. for the voyage,

Then

duct tape for more important things.

After a couple of PowerBars and some fruit punch, out a few e-mails.

the others

While preparing

had neglected to get three of the required thirteen of continuing legal education classes to keep

license to practice law.

I

my

begged the KBA's forgiveness and promised

A Shark and an Explosion I

would make up the hours

as

soon

as

I

got off the ocean.

letters

hooked

number

the computer up to the satellite telephone and dialed the

connect to the computer in Kentucky. Just as the

1

39

to

were begin-

ning to transfer, a stream of sparks flew up from the bottom of the electrical

box and the telephone went dead.

shut off the power and waited for the

I

smoke

from the back of the telephone's transceiver was lying of the electrical box.

I

was

didn't work.

I

ran through

With

115"F.

fix

bottom

I

tried other combinations,

to the telephone, but

still

it

the troubleshooting suggestions in

all

When

manual instructed me

a service representative. it?

power

able to restore

the instruction manual. the

in the

wire

reattached the wire and confidently turned

I

everything back on. Nothing happened.

and soon

A

to clear.

I

reached the end of the suggestions,

number

to call a toll-free

to

speak with

Darn, where s that pay phone when you need

the noonday sun, the temperature inside the cabin rose to

My

temper was rising

too. I hate phones,

and they

hate me. Til

it later. 1

went back

The wind was

to rowing.

against me.

It

strong, only five or ten miles an hour out of the northeast.

enough

to

was time

impede

my

to delve into

progress.

my

audio library.

maid container and picked Isaac

Needing

a tape at

I

a distraction,

was not

Still, it I

was

decided

it

opened the small Rubber-

random.

It

was

a lecture

about

Newton.

I've

always had a soft spot for dear old Isaac.

He

invented differ-

ential calculus, formulated the theory of gravity (with or

help of an apple falling from a tree and knocking

without the

him on

the head),

defined terrestrial mechanics, and explained the science of color.

poet William Wordsworth wrote of Newton:

Where

the statue stood

Of Newton, with

his prism

and silentface,

The marble index ofa mindfor ever Voyaging through strange seas ofThought, alone.

The

40

Had

/

to

How

Across the Ocean

admired Newton

I

Despite the chaos of his personal

Newton brought

life,

among

of knowledge. Pride was not

light

mind.

for the rationality of his scientific

his flaws.

the world the

Newton thought

himself to be like a child playing with seashells, "whilst the great

ocean of truth lay

As

undiscovered before me."

all

continued to row,

I

gazed out to

I

A flock of dark shear-

sea.

waters flew over, and one paused to hover just above

about the size of a crow, and

thinking about Newton,

belly. Still

give

up the

give up

tive tissue of

human

WAS

I

toflyfree as

experience.

our house:

spanking.

So

it

if

a lighter

a bird

would

and write. I would not

The written word is

Without knowledge, freedom

the connec-

suffocates.

new

rule

Lamar

sense that

six years older

was

My

Lamar any better, but

got into trouble,

than

I.

there

was

a

three children received a

all

in trouble,

I

was usually involved.

would be spanked along with him, but Duke

I

never did anything wrong.

He was two

Lamar and

we worshipped him from homework, Lamar and

I

afar.

I

years older than

didn't

hang around with Duke;

After school, while

explored the

Lamar and

Duke

did his

woods near our home.

We

every rock and tree in those woods.

When sylvania.

went

bird.

Whenever Lamar was

made

knew

a

It

FIVE, we moved to a suburb of Philadelphia.

parents didn't understand in

wondered whether

I

head.

was sooty brown with

ability to fly for the ability to read

my books even

WHEN

color

its

my

I

was

in the third grade

Lamar and

I

went

to

we moved

to

Craig Elementary School, and

As Lamar and I walked

to the junior high.

Uniontown, Penn-

kids lobbed rocks in our direction.

By

to school, a couple or

that time,

1

had gained plenty

of experience in returning rocks to their rightful owners, and ally hit

what

I

aimed

rocks."

office.

I

usu-

at.

Before the teachers even learned principal's

Duke

The

my name,

principal frowned.

they sent

me

to the

"You must not throw

A Shark and an Explosion "The them,"

I

The

Incredulous,

piss-poor job of

was

it

his job to

defend

my

brother.

was too shocked

to speak, so

I

continued.

will

was too young

to

you be

this afternoon

He

'piss-poor.'"

me

comprehend the hazards of speaking truth

smil-

Lamar while we

explained that he would protect

He seemed

He was

to

that "young ladies should not use the phrase

were in school and that times.

this

when we walk home?"

power, but the principal looked strangely sympathetic. told

"Where

and the year before that? Where were you

last year,

when he

a

it!"

morning? Where

ing

returning

man. "Well, you've been doing

stared up at the

I

principal

were you

I

just

explained. principal said

The

my brother. I was

kids were throwing rocks at

41

my

parents would watch out for

like a nice

man.

I

didn't

doubt

him

at

other

his sincerity, but

he was wrong on both counts. Adults always thought they were in control, but they

were often wrong.

STARTING ON JUNE

22, after that

week

first

at sea,

my

started to run together. I'd roll out of the cabin before the sun

up,

row

all

day,

and

after

dark find myself in

like the place I'd started in before

my thin

My

ninth day I

at sea,

spent

to the current,

steep and threatened to roll the boat.

to have close encounters tired of I

to tell

As

into the wall,

with the

just

over again.

I

sea

and the waves grew

lay in the cabin, the force

and

ceiling.

its

so

By

a

few

rollers

caused

early afternoon,

I

me

grew

being tossed about.

went on deck, pulled

rowed.

it all

the morning with the boat on

The wind was opposed

me

looked

went backward. The headwinds were

I

much of

of the waves slammed

came

that morning. I'd crawl onto

mat, and the next day I'd climb out to do

strong that anchor.

dawn

a place that

days

It

me

was an exercise

in the sea anchor,

in futility.

I

put out

didn't need

the boat was going backward.

When

my

Newton

oars,

or a

and

GPS

rowers take a stroke,

42

Had

/

Roic Across the Ocean

to

the motion of the oars through the water leaves swirls that rowers

Normally

call "puddles."

a rower receives the satisfaction of seeing

When

her puddles fade behind the stern of the boat. stroke and the puddle does not move, the boat a

When

not moving.

rower takes a stroke and the puddle moves toward the front of the

boat, the boat

is

moving backward. The boat was going backward.

A white-tailed It

was

of

its

tropicbird hovered just a few feet above the deck.

than a pigeon,

a little smaller

wings and

mask

a black

all

across

feathers that were almost as long as

oceanic

Lone Ranger. I wonder,

Just because the phone is

is

rower takes a

a

Fix

lonely.

is

is it

white except for the dark

tips

had two white

tail

eyes. It

its

body.

its

lonely?

Nonsense—

mean

broken, that doesn't

the satphone on Sunday,

imagined

I

and

to

it

it's just

be an a

bird.

that the bird overhead

the birds will seem perfectly

jolly.

After ister

cooked dinner,

I

on the

stove.

it

was time

to

change the propane can-

Standing in the cockpit,

I

leverage to unscrew the tank from the stove fitting.

overboard,

I

wrestle with

took the stove into the cabin, where it.

After several minutes,

new one.

managed

I

canister

and

my feet,

reached outside, and hung the stove on

install a

I

enough

couldn't gain

I

To

avoid falling

could

lie

down

to

to twist off the old

placed the depleted canister between its

mounting

plate in

the cockpit. Timefor a nice cup ofcocoa. I

pulled out

my lighter, leaned out of the main hatch, and thumbed

the sparking wheel of the lighter over the burner of the stove several times.

The

lighter didn't spark. Til be halfway across the Atlantic before

I master the child-safety switch on

pushed the safety switch it

fired, a

than

air.

whoosh

The

meal, but

it

this lighter. I

to the side,

of flame rose

old canister

up from

may

I

singed

and threw

it

inside,

The

instant

fired the lighter.

my feet.

As

I

Propane gas

reached

my eyebrow with

Tossing the lighter into the cockpit, canister

my hand

is

heavier

not have had enough gas to cook a

wasn't entirely empty.

flaming canister,

and

pulled

I

down

to

grab the

the lighter.

took hold of the propane

out the hatch. There

it

bounced off the gun-

A Shark and an Explosion wale into the ocean. Darn

promised

a

group

Promises, promises.

it!

Now

ot schoolchildren that I

scrambled out.

port side just out of reach.

took a few strokes. This

put

I

moved

my

the American Pearl to the it

up.

When

had

I

little it

stared at the canister just as

A hammerhead shark anymore.

and a

in I

I

The

go and get the

thing. I'd

wouldn't jettison any trash.

canister

was

floating

on the

starboard oar in the oarlock and

the boat between the canister and the

wind. Once the canister was in the

picked

I've got to

43

lee

of the boat,

fuel tank.

hand,

I

sat

had stared

I

let

wind push

reached over the side and

I

down on

the gunwale and

at the errant

singed eyebrow

the

.

.

.

we

bag of M&JVTs.

are not in Kentucky

CHAPTER

4

Baptism by Storm June 25, 1998 latitude north 37:43, longitude west

69:28

days at sea: 11

382

progress:

miles

THE FIRST FEW STROKES OF THE DAY WERE THE HARD-

My

est.

stiff. I

the

fingers

didn't

first

My

were raw.

knees creaked.

need eyes to sense daybreak.

rays of the sunrise

welcome, but

as the

warmed my

I

My

could

shoulders were

feel

the dawn.

back, this early

sun climbed the vertebra of

my

As

warmth was

spine,

its

rays

my back. When the sun reached its apex at midday, radiant energy poured down on my head and my clothes dripped with perspiration. The black straps of my life vest soaked up the heat until I thought the skin beneath my shirt

transformed into whips of flame that lashed

would

boil.

Take off the

life vest.

harm? Good weather off the

life

vest

is

I cant take

breeds

a mistake.

it off.

bad habits.

Who

is

It's

looking?

The

sea

is

calm, what's the

too hot for ceremony.

Who

will ever

Taking

know? I took

off my vest with the tether attached and rowed unencumbered.

More than North rated

most. that

half a dozen

men had

died trying to row across the

Atlantic. All of their boats survived. If I were to

from the boat,

The

life

vest

was attached

a life vest

would keep me

was not nearly

to the life vest.

as

alive for a

important

The

tether

become sepafew days

at

as the safety tether

was fastened

to a steel

cable that ran the length ot the deck. oft the deck, or

me with first,

tripped and

tell

45

stormy weather washed

me

overboard, the tether would keep

the boat. If I become separated from the boat, which will happen

drowning

As

il I

11

Baptism By Storm

or getting eaten? Just today

the sun sank in the western sky,

my eyes. By late

to shade

perspiration.

took a bath.

I

I

my dinner, when

enjoying

expecting to see

a

F 11 only do

.

my shirt

afternoon

sitting

.

pulled

1

up the water maker,

fired

was

.

I

today.

baseball cap low

had stiftened with dried

filled

the blue bucket, and

on deck, with clean hair and

a

wet

heard the sound of engines.

I

looked up

I

plane at twenty thousand

the sky was empty.

my

it

feet.

The

azure

shirt,

dome

looked out to sea but didn't see anything.

sound grew louder, and

turned around.

I

basketball court was headed

A

The

vessel the length of a

my way.

In a flash, the standards of civilized behavior washed across

Company! I should make some

solitude.

my shirt's wet, andVm

tidy up. Wait,

vest over

my

tea.

The

it

in front of

boat was

down from

deep, manly voice called

The deck

not wearing a bra.

shoulders and buckled

time to straighten up the deck.

A

of

my

is

a mess, I must

I

swung my life

me. There was no

fifty feet

away.

the deck above me.

"Do

you need any help?"

Combing

fingers through

my wet

hair,

I

said,

"No,

I

am

doing

just fine."

"What kind of boat "It's a

"How

a long pause

and

I

tried to

sound confident.

hushed discussion on the deck above

a

long have you been out?"

"Eleven days,"

"How

that?"

rowboat. I'm rowing to France."

There was me.

is

I

long will

said. it

take you?"

"About three months." "We'll reach the Mediterranean in two weeks," said the

man from

above.

"My

satellite

telephone

mind contacting mv

working

at the

Kentucky

to let

isn't

friends in

moment. Would you

them know

that

I

am

46

tla d to Roic Across the

/

doing just fine?"

Ocean

The man wrote down

the telephone

number and

agreed to send a message. After circling the American Pearl a few

On

times they departed.

Captain Millions.

The

the stern of their vessel,

I

read the

name

faint cloud of diesel exhaust smelled strangely

agreeable.

rowed

I

evening,

until 7:00 p.m. After

down

lashed everything

I

leaned over the gunwale to take the water temperature.

I

came within

nurse shark

a

few

feet

of

my

hand.

It

and perfectly harmless. "Hello, and how are you

ning?"

carried on with

was 81°F and the

my

figures in

log,

Taking off open

my

in the cabin

was doing. The water temperature

I

climbed into the damp, stuffy cabin. life

vest

was one thing, but leaving the hatches

was out of the question. Rogue waves had capsized

more than one ocean rower on an otherwise calm the American Pearl to right

itself

was

a risk

closed.

fill

The

The

I

I

air

of

pocket

self-right.

This

always slept with the hatches

only opening in the cabin was a three-inch

the ceiling. If the boat inverted,

ability

with a hatch open, the

with water and the boat would not

couldn't afford to take, so

I

sea.

depended on having an

in the watertight cabin. If the boat capsized

cabin would

this eve-

temperature was the same. After noting these

air I

what

A

was about three

feet long I

for the

air

vent in

could shut off that vent in a few

seconds.

Writers

heard

it.

wax eloquent about

Lines for

As

bulkhead.

my

the silence of the sea, but

sea anchor

these ropes

hung

coiled outside

swung with passing

I

never

on the cabin

swells, the

sound reso-

nated through the plywood like fingernails scratching along a rough tabletop.

The

rudder cables ran through

Each time the rudder

shifted, the pipes

crows. Fish slapped the cabin walls. forth,

back and

forth,

PVC

back and

pipes inside the cabin.

squawked

like

two angry

My water bottle rolled back and

forth. Flocks

of birds resting on the

surface of the ocean cackled and cawed.

Not

all

the wall,

I

sounds were bothersome. If

I

placed

my

ear low against

could often hear the deep cello reverberations of singing

Baptism By Storm

my

whales. In

47

dreams, whale songs brought recollections of hushed

conversations, and the clucks of birds transmuted into laughter. Often I

woke up from

Many

a vivid

mornings

I

dream thinking there was

a boat alongside.

raced onto the deck only to find a raft of chatty

shearwaters floating nearby. "How's a

woman

supposed to sleep?"

I

scolded them.

The

June 26.

only drawback to rowing in the Gult Stream was

that there were too Initially,

was amusing.

it

would scurry away. fish

would

many

return.

fish;

row without

couldn't

my

stroke and

A second later,

the oar

lift

shade of

would go back

stroke, fact, I

would

fish

hit

I

was so thick that the

and

fish

return.

"Get out

move

fish couldn't

dropped the oar into the water. Stroke

tuna after tuna.

It

didn't

seem

of the way.

Look,

it's

after

to hurt the fish. In

worried that the spikes of their yellow dorsal

my oars. in,

the school

way when

my oar

in

school of yellowfin tuna vied for positions in the

a

my boat;

out of the

fish

the oar out, and the

would scurry away. The oar would come out and

At midday,

hitting them.

drop the oar into the water and

I'd

I'd take

I

fins

a simple thing

would chip

—the oar goes

the oar comes out. Move!"

To

turn

my

attention

away from the inconsiderate

to a lecture about Aristotle's

Renaissance

man

Nicomachean

fish, I listened

Ethics. Aristotle

was

a

eighteen hundred years before the Renaissance.

He believed that educated

people are as

people as the living are to the dead.

much

As

superior to uneducated

a teacher,

he was conversant

with anatomy, astronomy, economics, embryology, geography, geology, meteorology, physics, and zoology. ethics,

government, metaphysics,

He

politics,

wrote about aesthetics,

psychology, rhetoric, and

theology. Socrates taught Plato; Plato taught Aristotle; Aristotle

taught Alexander the Great. Aristotle wrote that "courage edge." I'm not sure which comes

first:

is

knowl-

knowledge or courage. Knowledge

certainly fosters courage, but without the courage to put

knowledge to work,

what is the point? Aristotle believed

is

by

fear than

it is

by

faith.

that

humanity

influenced more

48

/

Had

to

Row Across

MY FAITH WAS BORN a

mock

fight

the

Ocean

out of fear.

When I was in the third grade,

group of children surrounded Lamar and began screaming

my way to the

clawed

A

broke out between the Catholics and the Protestants. at

him.

I

center of the circle. "Is he a Catholic or a Prot-

estant?" they yelled. "We're Presbyterians,"

hollered.

I

There was

a

pause as the Catholic leader conferred with the Protestant leader.

They decided we were the fence.

move

neutral and could

to the safe

zone along

wasn't sure what being a Presbyterian meant, but

I

I

was

delighted to be one.

In Uniontown, church provided the only safe zone in our

There were

rare exceptions, such as the

teacher looked straight at

your

Lamar and for

my

I

had

killed Jesus.

I

told everyone that

My status as a Jesus-killer was not easy God had

let his

son die because

were going to be bad, even though we wouldn't be born

few thousand figured

said, "Jesus died for

named David

nine-year-old brain to grasp.

Lamar and for a

I

morning the Sunday school

Lamar and me and

After church, a boy

sins."

lives.

it

years.

was

just like the times

Mother had spanked

all

three

of us because we'd be going to Grandmother's house soon and

might "get away with something." calculus, but if Jesus

guess

it

made

sense

I

had died

for

I

we

didn't understand the universal

my

thousands of years ago,

sins

could get punished for something

I

might do

I

at

Grandmother's house next week. Adults rarely made sense. Each time

had been ladies

fighting,

I

was rewarded with

my a

parents learned that

sound spanking. "Young

do not brawl." This was always spoken

lady were

more important than protecting

how becoming

a lady

my

as if

As

was very appealing. Ladies

far as

didn't like the boys

despised the girls

I

could

tell,

ladies

my becoming

brother.

didn't see

were

wear trousers in idle spectators.

who tormented my brother and me,

who watched and

I

a

didn't run. Ladies

didn't jump. Ladies didn't climb. Ladies didn't

public places.

I

did nothing.

I

but

I

I

utterly

could return a

Baptism By Storm

rock, a punch, or a kick, but

was helpless

I

in

49

defending against the

apathy of onlookers.

As

a third grader,

I

collective helplessness. it

not because

is

we

didn't understand that apathy

When we

a

is

symptom of

turn away from people in distress,

We

are unfeeling.

turn away because

we

feel

inadequate to lend assistance. Incompetence and helplessness travel

hand

They

in glove.

edge; knowledge

is

Courage

are accomplices in tragedy.

is

knowl-

courage.

All afternoon on June 27, the wind backed around the compass:

from the west

at fifteen

from the south

miles per hour, from the southwest at twenty,

at twenty-five.

When

wise on the North Atlantic, bad weather clouds piled up on pewter clouds. risen forty miles per

By

wind

the is

late

shifts counterclock-

usually on the way. Black

afternoon, the

wind had

hour and waves began to crash over

my

star-

board gunwale.

One ing

my

white-tipped wave yanked the oar out of my hand, wrenchshoulder. That's

I'm out of here!

it!

down

the oars, and retreated to the cabin.

but

was not

it

a

day

for rest.

I

stopped rowing, lashed

The

next day was Sunday,

The storm gained

the night.

Thunder rumbled and

At dawn,

the waves were the size of houses.

lightning punctuated the darkness.

ing precariously from side to side,

"When

I

would be

The steep,

swells were not

and many

To

much

log

my

went.

Then

comes!

I

The wave

lay

on

my

at the

video camera,

didn't imagine that

in

solar panels

GPS

to

on the roof

work

back and held the

inside the

GPS

as far

could reach. Several large swells came and

my hand

hit

electronics

with so

it

but they were

heard the rumble of an approaching breaker. Here

I

drew

I

I

the boat roll-

feet high,

The

interference for the

position,

I

With

in a barrel."

more than twenty

rolled into breakers.

out the main hatch as

my

grumbled

going over Niagara Falls

generated too cabin.

I

decided to row the Gulf Stream, like

strength throughout

and slammed the hatch

much

compartment.

force that

My

it

slid

it

shut.

me

across the lid of

hip caught the handle, levering

it

50

/

to the

open

my

and

Had

to

Roic Across the Ocean

position. In the next instant, the boat rolled upside

forehead

slammed

My

into the ceiling.

down

shoulder, hip, and

knees followed in quick succession. Oucb!\ pushed up off the ceiling to look out the hatch I'd closed only seconds before.

I

saw

fish.

The

hatch was under water.

Seawater gushed in through the seconds

it

my

space.

little

and watched the watertight

my

knee. In the few

at the

bottom

by I

of the cabin,

of the electronics compartment swing

The handset from my satellite phone tumbled

had studied every story

a cascade

out and plopped

of other gear.

could find about knockdowns and cap-

me

but nothing had prepared

sizes,

six

looked up

I

lid

into the seawater, followed I

vent at

took to screw the vent closed, several gallons of seawater

flooded into

open.

air

hundred miles offshore, alone, crouched on

my

hands and knees

with the boat's ceiling under me. Adrenaline flooded

and the

open the hatch and swim

instinct to

of being

for the drooling panic

my

arteries,

clear of the boat

was

overwhelming.

grabbed the hatch handles and started to open them. No, bad

I

idea.

forced myself to recall a kayaking trip that I'd taken

I

French Broad, in Tennessee. of rapids.

set

I

missed

missed the second

As

I

try,

but

first

I

kayak had flipped in

attempt

managed

tried to roll a third time, a set

me what kayak

in

my paddle

an Eskimo

roll.

Then

I

of air.

of rocks on the river bottom gave facial."

swam through

one hand and

at

the

a treacherous

to suck in a healthy gulp

kayakers call a "full dynamic

out of the kayak, and

wet

my

My

down

my nerve,

lost

I

shoved

my

the next set of rapids with

That was

in the other.

stupid, but a

exit in the middle of the ocean could be fatal. Stay calm. Stay inside.

Roll, baby, roll

One minute of here.

I

.

.

.

roll,

baby, roll

.

.

.

passed and then another.

closed

hatch. No, there

my is

please roll

.

.

.

T 11 suffocate;

please, please

Tve got

roll.

to get

out

eyes and wrestled back the impulse to open the

enough air in here for hours. Slowly the boat began

to recover. It turned

on

its

side,

and

I

rolled

down

portion of the roof lifted out of the water, and

I

the cabin wall.

dropped

A

to the floor.

Baptism By Storm

Another

large

wave

off another roll

My

and the root

hit

back into the water. To stave

climbed up the floor toward the higher wall.

I

hands trembled

along the starboard

The Pearl

slid

as

I

clutched the rudder pipe that ran high

The

side.

roof eased out of the water.

boat

my body

and wedged

rolls

again, I

won

't

in all directions.

Much

wind was

wriggled into the

I

into the smallest part of the cabin. Ifthe

fell off a

wave, the water in the cabin sloshed

way

into the electron-

my communications

equipment. Out-

of the water

compartment, which held

side, the

vessel.

get tossed around.

Each time the boat

ics

// rolled.

I'm okay. Slowly the port side rose higher, but the

rolled.

waves outside continued to pummel the stern

51

found

its

forty-five miles per hour, gusting to fifty miles

an

hour. Air rushing between the roof and the solar panels caused the ceiling to vibrate like a pipe organ.

The

wobbled each time waves slapped the

to the roof

putty around the bolts worked loose, and dribbled through the ceiling and rained I

bolts that held the panels

it

roof.

down on me.

crawled out of the stern to get the putty out of

was mixing

a small ball of epoxy in

the air and

came down hard on

my

ing and struck the putty,

With

I

a flash of lightning

With

the

port side.

I

my

repair

I

my

fell

toward the

could see that drops of blood followed

breaker,

I

gripped the han-

boat rolled onto

back again to the same

side.

Does that count as a rollover? No,

and seeing fish. accident. a

I

whimper

I

was

its

roof and then shifted it

wasn't

only a one-eighty. It doesn't count. Breathe, keep

is just

something wrong about looking out the stern hatch

locked the handles so

I

wouldn't open the hatch by

yelled at the wind, "Stop. Stop I

me

My head is bleeding. The

breathing. There

ceil-

the transom.

dles of the stern hatch.

it

I

the boat went into

fetal position against

whoosh of an approaching

a three-sixty;

kit.

head against the hasp of the porthole. Dropping

scurried back into

across the cabin.

my hand when

its

The epoxy

wasn't long before water

it.

now\" Then with

Stop

it

Up

good.

added, "Please?"

The American

Pearl rolled onto

its

side.

is

Down

is

bad.

Had

Ron Across

the

Ocean

Roll up. Small boats in storms

move

52

/

to

up and down

shitting

terminology, a boat

far

bucking

like

bulls, the

ends

more than the middle. To use maritime

rolls side to side, pitches

up and down. If you put your head

end to end, and heaves

one side of the boat, the

to

roll

has more heave. If you put your head on one end or the boat or the

more heave.

other, the pitch has

If you don't keep your head toward

the middle of the boat, or the middle of the pitch or the

kind of heave

may

few days, but

first

shoved

up.

I

the

main

lead to another.

stomach spasm

a

told

me

transom, rolled onto

off the

hatch.

had not

I

The

instant

I

was about

I

my knees,

opened the hatch

one

seasick since the

felt

that

roll,

to

throw

and dived toward

I

vomited into the

outside cockpit.

closed the hatch, wiped

I

back into

my

tight spot against the transom.

main hatch was not a

wave

my mouth on my

so fortuitous.

As

closed the hatch and

hit. I

I

sleeve,

My second

was about

puked

at

and crawled

to

trip to the

open the hatch,

the same time. Vomit

my lap. my feet in

splashed oft the inside of the glass and splattered back into

Oh,

that's just lovely.

the stern and

my

Hoping

is

let

me

assert

a mildly patrician accent

my firm

needed

but I

am

I

put

quoted

belief that the only thing

— nameless, unreasoning,

sir,

I

onto the ceiling.

I fell

fear itself

lyzes

stomach,

found myself eye to eye with the portrait of Franklin

I

Delano Roosevelt. In of all,

my

head closer to middle of the boat. The boat did

another half roll, and

There

to settle

FDR:

we have

unjustified terror

"First to fear

which para-

efforts to convert retreat into advance." Forgive me, dear scared.

Fear

is

my

life

back into the stern, where I will get

insurance policy, less

and I am

retreating

battered and where the smell is not

so revolting. I

I

folded myself back into a tight crouch in the back of the boat.

clutched the hatch handles,

for Jesus,

save

prayed, begging for

my life,

pleading

Mary, Joseph, the three wise men, and the god Poseidon

me from

After

I

As

I'd

to

the storm.

been holed up

in the cabin for about six hours, nature

Baptism By Storm

began

With

to call.

53

the boat pitching wildly from side to side and

waves sweeping across the

roof,

going on deck, to use the bathroom

bucket was out ot the question. Fortunately, while climbing in Alaska, I'd developed the skill of

being able to use

would not need

a

wide-mouthed water

my

sent along

enough vitamins

dumped

the water bottle for

No

one

is

going

Later,

would

I

As

keep an elephant healthy, and

to I

couldn't choke

intended purpose.

record,

my mat and employed As I pulled up my shorts, bottle. It spilled.

Sloshing water dissolved the vitamins,

"The smell was

down

it

sopping.

my

started to shiver.

I

fleece sleeping bag,

had no alternative but

I

inside the dripping fleece. Gerard tVAboville

would

ation as "uncomfortable but not life-threatening.

position-indicating radio beacon, better

"

known

had been genuinely life-threatening,

international distress signal, and

and urine.

diabolical."

the cabin cooled and

opened the compartment that held disappointed to find

I'd

into the extra

acrid odor to that of the seawater, vomit,

the sun went

situation

down

had not yet closed the water

I

to believe this.

which added an

had

the extra vitamins onto

its

the boat rolled again.

My friends

contingency.

first-aid kit tor just this

taken to stuffing the vitamins I

I

to leave the tent at night. I'd stashed a spare water

bottle with

water bottle.

bottle as a pee bottle so

I

I

and was

to curl

up

describe this situ-

had an emergency

as I

EPIRB.

an

If the

could set off this

someone would come

to

my

assis-

tance.

EPIRBs you

just

doesn't

are not tor times you've

want

come

ine anything

would cause I

to

go home. They are

to your aid,

life

made

a

mess of things and

for situations

or limb will be

when

lost. I

more ignominious than being rescued

a greater offense to

knew Gerard would

say:

my self-reliant pride.

"This situation

is

if

someone

couldn't imagat sea. I

Nothing

repeated what

uncomfortable but not

life-threatening."

If I abandoned

ship,

how would

Scott Shoup, or the others

who

I face Bob Hurley, Noreen Powers,

helped build the boat? I cant leave the

54

/

Pearl.

ing

to

I can't give

the "have you ever

"people the satisfaction oj watch-

.

.

to the discomfort

a restless sleep.

was too dark

my

Hours

later, a

to see, but

I

I

pulled the wet fleece

and quivered into

of thunder jolted

me

wide-eyed.

sensed the presence of a wise older friend.

I

my

warm,

face in her

had seen Luckett hold the face of Gerard d'Aboville

same comforting manner.

Luckett was part of organizing

for

boom

imagination, Luckett Davidson cupped

strong hands. in this

of my situation,

my shoulders, cradled my head in my arms,

around

In

Across the Ocean

being to this vile smell"?

Resigned

It

How

me quit. Most important, how could I in good conscience subject anoth-

human

er

Had

my

my

support team. She had been responsible

meals and the

my

of

rest

nutritional plan.

More

than that, she was an archfriend. Luckett had come to North Carolina for

my

departure. Ever the protector, Luckett was worried, and

she turned to Gerard for reassurance. will finish in victory."

The

He

responded by saying, "Tori

statement surprised

haps even Gerard himself.

was

It

all

clear that he

who

heard

it,

per-

had made no such

predictions about other ocean rowers. In thanks, Luckett

hugged

Gerard's face in her hands.

The memory

gave

me

the sense everything would

sustained burst of lightning

lit

were no archfriends with me.

THE SUMMER BEFORE

I

I

work

out.

the cabin for several seconds. There

was

alone.

entered the fifth grade,

we moved from

one side of Uniontown, Pennsylvania, to the other. For Lamar and this

meant

a

tormentors.

new school,

a

new church,

and,

Our older brother, Duke, was

five different

stopped trying to make friends.

Uniontown

that

made him

Unlike Duke,

I

used

the

I

in

ready to apply to college. People described teenager he'd gone to

A

figured, a

new group of

high school and getting

Duke

as a loner, but as a

schools in five years.

Duke was

odd man

me

He

simply

very intelligent, and in

out.

my athletic ability to make friends. I was big

Baptism By Storm

for

my

55

age and could play football with the best of the boys. There

were not so many children under twelve in our new neighborhood that

we could

when choosing

distinguish between girls and boys

teams. In football and wiffleball (like baseball, only with improvised bats

my

and

a plastic ball)

favorite.

them on

handsome boy named

The

ruler.

One

He

Eric

was

king.

To

treated girls with respect.

afternoon

Lamar and

I

Lamar was

were

at

his credit, Eric

He was gentle

a

tall,

was

it

at

my

edge

my eye,

brother.

rock missed. Before the boy could pick up a second rock,

I

was

I

in his usual place at the

grubby boy pick up a rock and throw

a

toward

the playground.

playground watching the action. Out of the corner of

of the

saw

picked. Football was

Eric Fee.

practicing basketball, and

I

first girl

best athlete in our age group was a

new neighborhood,

benevolent animals.

was always the

delighted in lifting boys off the ground and dropping

I

their heads.

In our

I

The

tackled

him, pinning him to the asphalt. Eric was on the other side of the playground with a boy named Dale

Ellis.

When

they heard a fight

was under way, they came running. By the time they straddling the boy on the pavement,

He was

kicking;

I

was

my

arrived,

hands gripping

I

was

his collar.

yelling.

Eric thought the boy had picked a fight with me.

He peppered my

"Why are you fighting with a girl? Why did you throw the rock? What did her brother do to you?" Eric and Dale pulled me off my prisoner, and they took him aside. prisoner with questions:

After a few minutes, Eric and Dale dragged the boy over to

Lamar and made him apologized to

my

apologize.

brother before.

the playground into a huddle.

explained that

no one was

Lamar could

My

jaw dropped; no one had ever

Then

Eric called

all

Once everyone was assembled,

to tease or taunt

him

Someone asked whether

my direction

and

said, "I

Eric

not defend himself, and because of this, for

any reason. Further,

one did something to Lamar, Eric would be the one to score."

the kids on

this applied to

if

"tie

someup the

me. Eric grinned

think she can take care of herself."

in

56

/

Had

to

Hoiv Across the Ocean

Eric Fee's simple decree changed our

ground, Eric blessed

For the

own

first

time

I

life

One

on two hapless

play-

with a lesson in benevolent leadership.

Lamar and

could remember,

neighborhood.

justice

my

That day on the

lives.

I

were

safe in

our

eleven-year-old bov bestowed peace and

misfits.

I

knew then what

I

wanted

in

life:

to

gain enough respect to do the same for others. Eric seemed utterly

immune

to helplessness.

make

stronger than anyone else, so he could athlete.

gave

So

him

I

would be an

athlete.

authority in the classroom.

football but also in science

put

At

me on

least, that

in

it.

two great

faster

and

the rules. Eric was an a

good student, which

would top the boys not just I

would grow

into

British queens,

was the plan when

a collision course

and bumps

I

and math.

Victoria Elizabeth. Like the to rule.

He was

He was

I

was

eleven.

I

in

my name,

would

The

learn

road that

with the Atlantic had a few more curves

CHAPTER

5

Death on Deck June 29, 1998 latitude north 38:33, longitude west

63:54

days at sea: 15

698

progress:

FOR MOST OF THE NIGHT when

but

the light

came

miles

HAD BEGGED FOR DAWN,

I

was unsettling

it

seawater that sloshed around the cabin.

Good news. The sky had thirty miles an

Turning under

my

my

cleared, but the

attention to the boat,

sleeping mat.

I

tronics bin

The barometer was wind was blowing

The was

I

I

let

almost

electrical

inspected the compartments

compartment

dry, but all or the other

that held

and pulled out the handset

for

my

two

compartments

reached into the murky soup sloshing around

don't think the engineers anticipated someone

water,

at

rising.

hour from the wrong direction. Bad news.

12-volt gel cell batteries

were wet.

to see the blood-tinged

satellite

dunking the

my

elec-

telephone. /

receiver in salt

alone the things this phone's been soaking in all night.

fished out a

Sony

digital camera.

I

shook the camera and heard

water gurgling inside the housing. Dear Sony: All I did was drop the

camera

in salt

water and let

twelve hours.

it sit for

What do you mean, my

extended warranty will not cover it?

The It'll

VHF

he fine,

I

radio

was wet, but

thought as

turned out not to be.

The

I

set

last

it

it

was supposed

aside.

item

I

My

found

to

be submersible.

"waterprooP headlamp

in the

water was the patch

58

/

Had

Row

to

Across the Ocean

cord that connected the computer to the contacts were corroded. gers, a

As

satellite

communicator; the

twirled the cord for the satcom in

I

growing recognition of

my

situation called to

mind

my fin-

a passage

from the Rime of the Ancient Mariner, by Samuel Taylor Coleridge.

Down dropped the breeze,

the sails dropped down,

'Twas sad as sad could be;

And we did speak only to break The

I

silence

had wished

of the seal

and

for silence,

than I'd bargained

for. I

would

rewarded

fate

learn

what

it

me

with more silence

means

to be alone,

on

the ocean, at night, in the dark.

Nothing satphone.

I

in

my bag of tricks or tools could help me fabricate a new

couldn't stop at a mall to pick up a

the satellite communicator. There

of the Gulf Stream from Jenifer Clark.

my

sponsor, so

I

I

resolved to be

Maybe

ing video for Sector.

cord for

would be no comforting words of

There would be no updates on the

advice from Gerard.

to benefit

new patch

they can use

it

vicissitudes

couldn't send out messages

more

diligent about shoot-

after the trip.

Having checked the weather and assessed the condition boat.

I

used the sighting mirror on

locate the cut

my

on

I

It

I

uncov-

was no more than three-quarters

of an

How could so much blood have comefrom such a small cut?

rolled onto

ceiling.

mountaineering compass to

head. Dividing the blood-matted hair,

ered the split in the skin.

inch long.

my

of the

my back to

Thomas

than what was

all

consider the presidential portraits on

Jefferson had blood on his face,

over Theodore Roosevelt.

will do some housekeeping. Pressing

from bouncing around

my

which was better

My apologies, gentlemen; I

feet against the ceiling to

like a basketball,

I

my

keep

sponged every surface

in

the cabin three times with mixtures of fresh water and dishwashing detergent.

vitamins.

After

When It

I

was

was not

finished, the cabin smelled like Joy

a pleasing smell,

I'd finished

cleaning up,

1

but

it

was

a vast

and soggy

improvement.

went rowing. The headwind had

Death on

diminished to twenty miles per hour.

My

59

turned the boat forty-five

I

degrees to the swells, quartering the waves, so seas.

Dak

forward progress was miserable, but

1

could manage the

took solace in the

I

routine of the oars.

As

cooked dinner that evening,

1

hand and flew

food wrapper blew out of

my

grumbled

As

into the far corner of the bow.

reached out to pick

I

a

it

up,

I

after

it.

noticed the wrapper was stuck to some-

I

thing large and moist, and that the something was looking at me.

The

creature

around

was

a toot long,

white and slimy, with

edges: a dead squid.

its

would do:

I

I

a

purple tinge

woman

did what any reasonable

ran.

Two running steps carried me cockpit, where

1

sat

down

to

from the bow bulkhead

compose

to the stern

myself. That's disgusting. I can

handle a dead rabbit, a dead bird, or even a dead horse, but a dead squid .

.

yuck. It must have been trapped

.

boat will capsize again

dead thing

The

is

and

worth another

situation

lem.

One

down

My

in his office,

Finding

ately.

at

feet

I

I

made an

mayor

slippery

of Louisville, Jerry

and during the time

effort to dress

myself appropri-

had always been

a prob-

and noted, "Got your lizard-skin shoes on

mayor turned

I

was walking beside the mayor, he looked

—they weren't even

didn't quibble with the mayor. "Yes,

the

the

a fastidious fellow,

shoes were not lizard-skin

Then

No

the

capsize.

stylish shoes in a size twelve

afternoon as

my

is

Maybe

the boat capsized.

will go away. Tori, get a grip.

made me think about

Abramson. The mayor had worked

it

when

sir,

today."

—but one

leather

staying on top of things."

to a nearby police officer

probablv killed the lizards with her bare hands."

and

"She

said,

Dead squid? I'm

not

touching that thing.

That

night, as

I

was

sleeping,

1

imagined that

squid whimpering from the other end of the boat.

loud groan

woke me, and

I

rudder lines in their pipes.

and went on deck

to

realized

Wide

it

I

could hear the

About 3:30 a.m.

was only the squawking

awake,

employ the bucket.

I

slipped into

my

a

of the

life

vest

60

/

Had

When

I

Hon Across

to

I

my

Way

mind: "billions and

billions of stars." Until that

had no earthly concept of what

actually looked like.

Milky

Ocean

looked up, Carl Sagan's voice from the television series

Cosmos echoed in

moment,

the

The moon had

and

"billions

billions"

retired tor the evening, but the

painted a highway of light across the night.

find major constellations because there

were too many

I

couldn't

faced

stars. I

north to look for Polaris, the North Star. Ordinarily the Big Dipper

would point the way;

I

saw

Draco and Cassiopeia were

billions

and

lost in a sea

billions

of

of sparklers.

stars. Similarly, I

turned toward

the east and southeast to look for Venus and Jupiter. Instead of these

two nearby

planets,

I

saw

billions

and

billions

could find Vega in the west, but that night as a single grain of I

was

I

as indistinguishable

sand on a beach.

rinsed the bucket overboard, and a cloud of phosphorescent

my

light filled the water beside

watched the water sparkle bugs.

it

of stars. Ordinarily,

Three dolphins

as

arrived.

boat.

it it

As

I

rinsed the bucket again and

contained a thousand lightning

they leapt into the air and splashed

back into the water, flames of phosphorescence trailed their powerful flukes.

I

couldn't see the dolphins under water, but

by the squiggles of

light sparking in their

I

could track them

underwater wakes.

dolphins circled the boat several times before

swimming

The

off toward

the south.

In a speech

I

wrote for the mayor of Louisville

I

had used the

phrase "a rainbow of excellence that lights the cosmic dark."

mayor by the

said the line

was too hyperbolic. As

celestial illumination

of the

stars

I

The

knelt on deck, encircled

above and bioluminescent

plankton in the sea below, the hyperbole no longer seemed exaggerated.

I

reached overboard and stirred the ocean with

swirls of light flowed

from

ocean, at night, in the dark.

my

fingertips. So here

my hand

I am,

until

alone, on the

Lucky me. Without darkness, one cannot

see

the stars.

The morning of June

30, the seas were disturbed by waves

coming

from different directions. Fortunately, these were Tinkertoys com-

Death on Deck

61

pared to the treight liners that had capsized the American Pearl.

came to

to call these short, steep swells

row through Unlike

It

which goes up and down with the

when

side to side

changes

it

its

was

easier

yappy-dog waves.

fifteen-foot rollers than two-foot

a sailboat,

from

shifts

"yappy-dog waves."

I

tack,

my

swells

and

boat went up-

down-side-to-side, up-down-side-to-side. In yappy-dog waves, the

boat could rock back and forth thirty or forty times every minute.

row with these

Trying

to

ture

tor the

fit

little

seventh grade, the sky

I

gone

me

your lunch money, or

I'll

kill

I

got there. There were

in

fell

on

my world.

your brother." Lamar had

to the special education classes at the junior

years before

tor-

Spanish Inquisition.

WHEN ENTERED THE "Give

waves tangling up the oars was a

high school for two seventh graders:

five sections of

the brightest students went into Section 7E, while the slowest kids

went

in Section 7A. I'd

grade

class,

to Section

but because

7A with

Even worse,

the

all

So

was Lamar Murden's

"dumb"

I

The

if

high school,

girls

can't play football,

I

was okay

were not permitted

these sports weren't "ladylike." "lady" thing

Dale

was assigned

weren't allowed to play

This didn't make any sense. Eric Fee, Dale

you

sixth-

kids.

autumn

Ellis,

in west-

you are nothing.

only socially acceptable team sport that

better. Girls

and

my

I

was

a

was nothing.

play was basketball.

tent

sister, I

the boys could play football, but not me. In

ern Pennsylvania, girl.

I

in junior

football or baseball.

and

been one of the best students in

was an

evil

girls

were allowed

to

but Leslie Lyons was

at basketball,

to play football or baseball because It

was clear

to

me

conspiracy designed to keep

that the whole girls

incompe-

helpless. Ellis tried to explain this

walked home from school.

He

new

segregation to

said that there

me

as

we

were things he could

not do because his skin was black. There were things

I

couldn't

do

62

/

because

Rou Across

Hail to

was

I

the

Ocean

a girl. "Life's not fair,"

when we reached

Being thirteen

not?

I

wondered. Who makes

not easy for anyone, but

is

seventh grade and a

I

head

full

taller

kicking

said,

his driveway. "Life's not fair,"

Why

the same dust.

Dale

at

the dust

repeated, kicking at the rules? I

was

10" in the

5'

than most of my classmates.

My

What clothes my mother didn't make for me hand-me-downs from my older brothers. Emulating the exam-

family was not wealthy.

were

ple of Eric Fee, I'd succeeded in turning myself into an athlete.

broad-shouldered and

my

chest was

flat.

The same

my brother the "retard" ridiculed my androgynous by calling me "it" or "she-it" run together quickly.

was

who

teenagers

called

Lamar and

I

appearance

could not go through the line in the cafeteria with-

I

out being harassed. After witnessing an ugly incident, the principal

Lamar and

suggested

I

brought lunch could eat in the auditorium instead ol the

This was better than running the gauntlet of the cafeteria didn't stop kids

from snatching Lamar's lunch out

contrived a solution for this problem.

I

Benedictine sandwiches for lunch.

No

had heard of Benedictine

made

(a

spread

cream cheese, popular in Kentucky). Like her mother before

who

bring bag lunches to school. Students

her,

when

one ol

cafeteria.

line,

but

it

ol his hands.

Lamar and

I

packed

in western Pennsylvania

cucumbers, onions, and

My mother was from

Kentucky.

made Benedictine

she added

she

green food coloring to the spread. After a boy stole

my

brother's sandwich, he asked

"Eww,

what's

the green stuff?" I

announced

rium,

"It's

green because

from Lamar or Since

them on from

my

rocket

I

in a voice loud

me

it is

made from

to carry across the auditoboogers\"

No

one

stole

food

again.

couldn't play football,

their heads

on the

brother Duke,

named

enough

I

I

decided to pick up boys and drop

intellectual playing field.

started building rockets.

I

With

oversight

entered a small

the "Honest John" in the school's science contest.

I

painted scenes from colonial history in red, white, and blue on the

Death on Deck

body of the

Adams.

I

rocket,

won

on the roof

and on the nose cone

the science contest, but

ol the local funeral

I

painted a portrait ofJohn

I

lost the rocket

home, never

into Section 7E.

wanted

I

liked this principal

part of

my new

and

I

thought

landed

it

me

into his office

move me out of Section 7A and

to

"What

to ask,

when

to be seen again.

After a few grading periods, the principal called

and explained that he was going

63

it

took you so long?" but

wise not to annoy him.

The

I

best

assignment was that Eric Fee was in 7E.

After school, Eric had to practice for football, basketball, baseball, or

my

whatever sport was in season. For the hoodlums of the town,

brother and

Lamar

I

were always

observed, "Blood

Lamar was

right.

When

is

in season. It

was

in those days that

good; you bleed, everybody go home."

someone drew blood,

but because the blood was usually Lamar's or

a fight

my own

would end,

this

was small

consolation.

There weren't blood was

rules about kicking a girl

a flag of surrender.

the fact that

My

when

greatest asset in those days

have an extremely delicate nose.

I

my nose would

she was down, but

was

One good punch and

produce a red torrent that would cause even the most

obnoxious ruffian to back

off.

The

only worry was that

I

had

to

be

my clothes. If my mother found blood on my blouse, she would want to know what happened. When my clothes weren't torn, I'd insist that "my nose just started bleeding." If I'd torn a sleeve or lost half my butcareful not to get blood

tons, I'd pretend I'd

out of hand.

I

on

been playing some neighborhood game that got

had so many bloody noses that Mother took me

doctor to find out what was wrong.

was

terrified that the

didn't.

THEAFTERNOON OF JUNE came from

a

doctor didn't find anything.

I

nose drops he prescribed to stop the nosebleeds

might actually work. They

It

The

to the

What a

30,

1

lucky nose.

heard spouting in the distance.

pod of humpback whales. Their explosive exhalations

64

/

Had

How Across

to

the

Ocean

formed clouds of mist over the water. lingered.

To

rowing,

found

water.

I

The whales

give myself an excuse for whale watching rather than Scott's

thermometer and took the temperature of the

The thermometer read

one had punched

me

a second time. It

was

warmer than

stood to watch.

I

70°F. No, that's wrong. It felt as if some-

in the stomach.

The location of the is

Gulf Stream

north and south like water out of a

I need

to talk to Jenifer Clark.

rents, but she

The Stream,

had provided

the location of the

me

fire

that the

it

hose. I've lost the Stream.

I've lost the Stream.

with maps accurately identifying its

most favorable cur-

to be

updated every few

Gulf Stream and outlining

warned

close to the shore

relatively predictable, but farther out to sea

shifts

Jenifer Clark

The Gulf Stream should be

70°. That's too cold.

that!

of the United States

took the water temperature

I

maps had

No communications meant no updates. When I chose to leave Cape Hatteras instead of Cape Cod, my calculations suggested

weeks.

from

that the

Gulf Stream

than the Cape

would be

Without a favorable current, every

all bets are off.

wind will push me

back toward the United States.

Spurred on by the cold water, life. I

possibly weeks faster,

faster,

route despite the added distance. IfI don't get back

Gulf Stream,

into the

adverse

Cod

route

I

rowed

as if I

was racing

for

my

ignored the difficulty of pulling a 2,800-pound boat through

yappy-dog waves.

At

for dinner.

I

my 3:30

skipped

sunset,

my growing

p.m. snack break

and didn't stop

hunger turned the sky into

a truit

bowl. There were apple and strawberry reds, banana and lemon yellows, oranges and apricots, and even a few kiwis in the western sky. It

is

see

too early to begin thinking about strawberries

land or

taste fresh fruit for months.

well into the night. Before ture: 69" F.

came

to

line

went

ignored

to bed,

I

my

hunger and rowed

took the water tempera-

from Joseph Conrad's Heart of Darkness

mind: "The horror, the horror."

On July It

The famous

I

I

and bananas; I will not

1, a

menacing counterswell brought with

was too dangerous

to row.

I

stayed in the cabin with

against the wall and wrote long entries in

my

it

another gale.

my feet braced

journal.

Thunder,

Death on

lightning,

and rain continued

all

afternoon.

famous sermon about the

M apple,

delivered by Father belly of a

I

When came

The

ribs

I

of Jonah and the whale

biblical story

couldn't help thinking that

whale named American

and terrors

65

set the journal aside

I

and started rereading Moby Dick, by Herman Melville. to the

Dak

I

was

in the

Pearl. Melville wrote:

in the whale,

Arched over me a dismal gloom, While all God's sun-lit waves rolled by,

And left me deepening down

to

doom.

With endless pains and sorrows

there;

maw of hell,

I saw the open

Which none but they that feel can Oh, I was plunging

to despair.

I could not have understood this passage child, I

At bottle

new

sunset,

I

went on deck

and scrounge

the book as a

It

long enough to

when

VHF radio and turned Still,

mile off and moving away.

a

on.

it

Nothing happened.

nothing. Oh,

When

salt. I

salt,

I

I

water

pulled out

turned

I

that's just great. I

read "submersible," water dripped out.

remove the

my

I

spotted the faint lights of a ship on the

I

cabin and disassembled the radio.

were crusted with

refill

couple of food bars. In the fading light,

a

looked to be

then back on.

just

my rudder lines was broken. I was about to get out

length of line

horizon.

to

when I read

thought.

noticed that one of a

—

tell

cover,

electronic

shook the water out of the

off

and

climbed into the

removed the

The

it

my

which

components

unit, did

my best

used an eraser to clean rust off the contacts, and

reassembled the radio.

It

didn't work.

This meant that only piece of working communications equip-

ment onboard was the one-watt purchased the day before

compartment, that

I

in a

considered

my

VHF radio that Kathy Steward had

departure.

Rubbermaid

The

radio

was

in the

bow

container, stored inside a dry bag

my "Christmas box."

I

had not planned to open the

66

/

Hud

bag before

I

to

Row

Across the Ocean

reached the halfway point.

The

single-watt radio

would

not transmit more than a mile or two.

Normally, battery

power

pages of

I

my

flashlight to read because

to spare, but that night

Moby

Captain Ahab. tion of solitude

exclusiveness,

didn't use

Dick.

I

"When it

felt

I

my

life I

didn't have

sorrows into the

some acquaintance with the

think of this

I

plowed

I

miseries of

have led; the desola-

has been; the masoned, walled-town of a Captain's

which admits but small entrance

to

any sympathy from

—oh, weariness! heaviness! Guinea-coast

the green country without slavery of solitary

command!" Captain Ahab

at least

had a crew for

company. Oh, for even the monosyllabic Queequeg to chat with me, a "cannibal" to help this Christian.

CHAPTER

6

Independence Day July 2, 1998

60:24

latitude north 39:25, longitude west

days at sea: 18 progress:

AROUND

2:00

heavy swell.

a

side,

the

a.m.

The

2,

rudder, offset by

and the boat carved

miles

I

FELT THE BOAT RISE

a turn like a giant surfboard.

reached up and closed the

I

then another. Just as a pancake.

arms

I

As

was 1

wave

My

I

able to cushion the

blow

the floor.

felt

was broadside

One wave

to

ceiling, but

my

passed,

by crossing

my

face.

The motion was

past the cabin wall and landed with an I

to

to launch into a barrage of self-reproach, anoth-

flicked the boat upright.

skimmed

air vent.

I

The damage

started to relax, the American Pearl flipped like

knee slammed into the

was about

ON

broken cable, slipped to one

its

rudder— how could I have forgotten? Realizing that

to the waves,

er

ON JULY

899

so abrupt that

I

awkward thud on

the jerk of the sea anchor pulling the stern of the boat

around into the next wave.

The storm

wasn't particularly fierce, but

rudder, I'd be doing push-ups off the ceiling into the rain, cut a section of rope

over the roof of the cabin, where I

it

from

my

I

I

didn't repair the

night.

all

I

tumbled out

spare line, and threw

dropped next

crawled through the cabin to the stern hatch.

perfect.

if

to the rudder.

it

Then

My timing had to be

crouched under the hatch and waited until a wave crashed

68

/

Hud

to

Row

Across the Ocean

me

over the roof. This would give

wave reached the I

several seconds before the next

boat.

opened the thirteen-by-eighteen-inch hatch and launched myself

skyward.

My

wedged

shoulders

my shoulders are

Elementary mathematics: hatch

eighteen inches wide.

is

I

and the

nineteen inches wide,

How many times will we repeat this lesson t

Valuable seconds ticked by as loose,

like a cork in the opening. Hello?

struggled to free myself. Squirming

I

dropped back into the cabin, then

I

sent an

arm up through

my shoulders enough to clear my knees. In this position, the

the hole. This reduced the breadth of

In a

easily.

hatch hit

split

me

second,

I

was up on

about waist high.

searched for the line that I'd tossed

I

over the roof, but couldn't locate

Then

I

felt

the

wind

it.

pause. Uh-oh, too slow.

looked up into the

I

dark face of the curly-topped wave looming above me. Bath time!

The wave engulfed way

my

to

toes.

shook

side, I

the stern of the boat, and water gurgled

When

a

wet dog. The

in front

of me.

I

line that

I

grabbed the

needed emerged line, tied a

bow-

through the starboard eye of the rudder, ducked back through

line

the hatch, and banged

it

shut.

I

was pleasantly surprised

to find that

the slosh in the cabin was not more than a few inches deep.

my

the

the stern of the boat emerged from the far

my hair like

from the froth directly

all

breath for a brief

tying off the

As

I

ing mat,

moment

new rudder

caught

I

before climbing out on deck to finish

line.

bailed the water out of the cabin and sponged off my sleepI

started to imagine that the line

running out

my

to

sea

anchor was too long. So every half an hour for the next several hours, I

experimented with

my

sea anchor.

When

the line

the parachute anchor jerked the boat so violently that tear the cleats out of the roof. line

was too it

threatened to

Orjar the teeth out ofmy head.

When the

was too long, slack formed between the boat and the anchor, and

the boat didn't stay perpendicular to the waves. In the end, that

short,

my original

It

I

decided

configuration had been about right.

was almost dawn when

I

abandoned the experiment

to settle

Independence

back into

my cabin

tain climbing

—

few hours ot

tor a

to change. I

was beginning to

off the deck. It

The gunwales had scuppers, run oft the deck.

through these holes, I

was dismayed

like

moun-

sitting still

smell.

climbed out into

I

a steady rain.

holes that served as drains to allow water

To keep I

is

69

hope that capsize took the dead squid

After a couple of hours of sleep,

to

Ocean rowing

working your butt off or you're

you're either

waiting for the weather

sleep.

Day

and other items from escaping

tools

had covered the scuppers with

my

to find that

plastic netting.

dead squid had company: another

me

squid and two large fish stared up at

with

dull, lifeless eyes.

could work around one decomposing corpse, but four was too many. didn't have gloves, so I'd

I

opened

brought along to use I

groped

the carcass.

as

a

lifted

I

washcloths

if I

ran short of fresh water.

grip on the second try,

the fish slid out ot

it,

succeeded

I

with the wipe until

my grasp.

repeated the process with the second fish and the

I

tried to get hold of the older squid,

Once

it

I

had

was

to

free,

I

my

work tossed

it

felt

I

Using a firmer

in tossing the creature overboard.

I

ing gum.

I

box of Huggies diaper wipes, which

in the direction of the first fish

As

I

fingers

it

new

squid.

When

stuck to the deck like chew-

under the carcass and pry

overboard, but

it

left

behind

it

off.

a gray squid-

shaped stain on the white deck.

The

rain

had slowed

for several hours.

with but

At lunchtime,

I

a line

unlashed the oars and rowed

of heavy clouds provided

chorus of thunder and flashes oflightning. I don t mind

electrical storms are I

I

a

to a drizzle.

withdrew

went back

a different kettle

to the cabin; a

to the oars.

A

brought more lightning, and

this

rain,

offish.

few minutes

half an

me

hour

later the

sun came out.

after that, another squall

time the lightning was accompa-

nied by the wispy funnels of two waterspouts. I

returned to the cabin.

taineers call short breaks

climbing friends would

An hour later, I was rowing again. Mounin bad weather "sucker holes," and as my

tell

you,

I

tall for

sucker holes every time.

Despite the weather, the rowing was excellent.

The wind had

70

/

Had

to

Row

The

diminished.

Across

water was rough enough to keep things interest-

rough

ing, but not so

crests didn't roll, they

me

it

The

dangerous.

large following

feet high, but because their

at all.

Surfing the larger swells

towboat wakes on the Ohio River. Occasion-

washed over the cabin, and showered down

off,

on me. At those times,

When

make

were no bother

of riding

capped

ally a roller

as to

Some were twenty

swells didn't break.

reminded

Ocean

tfie

wondered, What will I lose

I

everything was shipshape and

ifthe boat capsizes?

was properly tethered, the

I

answer was nothing.

As

I

rowed, a storm petrel circled the boat.

six inches

long with short rounded wings.

dark brown, but sea,

had

it

feeding on small

from the water

It

on the wind

3,

Stream was

I

like bats.

They were

than a half

I

help

it

east

rowed

I

napping on the surface

I

My guess was

for

me row

The

tip

boat

an hour and a

could get the board

my

into the wind,

much

Gulf

ofFrance, I will meet up

felt

half,

sluggish, as if I were

but the boat covered

up

rowing against

the

in the afternoon,

course. I

tried to

like a center

down

that the

wasn't willing to alter course on a

toward the southern

difficult to hold

is

darted,

always on the move.

a mile. I'm in another countercurrent,

dagger board

soar easily

They dodged,

A wind out of the east-northeast picked

which made

size, I

never did.

to the south, but

uphill.

diminutive

They didn't

shearwaters or gulls.

with the Gulf Stream sooner or later.

A

with their

that petrels are peri-

that, despite their

the water remained cold.

hunch. IfI row due

To

me

to see if I could catch a petrel

of the water, but

On July

know

like the big

watched closely

stream.

told

kinship with these birds.

and zigzagged almost

less

live at

and tiny crustaceans that they scoop

was Gerard who

to

feel a certain

rowing

rump. Petrels

always flying, never resting.

Gerard seemed

would

squid,

its

as they patter their feet along the surface

wings outstretched. patetic:

fish,

beak and plumage were

Its

of white on

a patch

My visitor was about

drop the dagger board.

board, but

into the water,

it

it is

removable. If

would help

to

I

keep the

— Independence

boat from being blown sideways, but

pushed.

I

I

pulled.

exasperation,

I

71

sat

on

it.

even tried swearing, but nothing shitted

it.

In

The

Louisville Slugger oar handle.

my two

fabricated the handles for

wouldn't budge.

it

bow compartment and

reached into the

I

Day

1

pulled out a

baseball bat manufacturer had

sets of spare oars.

These handles

were made of solid white ash and were shaped not too different-

from

ly

a baseball bat.

Another swing,

As my

took

I

a louder bang.

my

move the dagger board, something.

Women

dagger board

at the

hands, but

would

I

my

swings.

next day,

I

moved

awakened

my

quell

before

frustration by breaking

men when no

my

I

feminine

damaged anything.

sound of rain pounding the

to the

The

kept on swinging. If I couldn't

I

are perfectly capable of behaving like

dignity, the dagger board

bang.

Nothing moved.

Fortunately tor both the equipment and

one's watching.

roof.

switched on the camera. "Saturday, July fourth, four a.m., dawn's

I

early light. .

swing

frustration escalated, so did the force of

improvised bat stung

The

a

.

.

What

you guessed

so proudly

it

.

.

.

we

I

my

who

hadn't

against the storm

leaks with

a

storm coming from ... oh

would not shoot video of me rowing

the goofy three-cornered hat.

Rowing

is

the northeast." There would be no elaborate

Fourth of July celebration.

with the presidents

hail

epoxy putty.

I

wouldn't decorate the rowing deck

made

would be

When

it

to the ceiling.

stayed inside.

used the time to plug

fruitless. 1

this task

I

was complete,

I

pulled out

mountaineering compass to use the mirror.

My face was

tanned except for

white

a

strip across

had been protected by sunglasses. The cut on

combed through my

As my

fingers

on the

left side

hair in a

way

near

my

I

got the scar

a fence,

more,

I

hair, a

scar

when

I

a

head was healing.

I

took care to brush

thirteen.

I

my

scars

broken golf club.

had been taunting Lamar, and,

decided to make them stop.

eyes that

on the ocean, concealing

was from

was about

my

my

long white scar grinned

part. In civilization,

that hid this scar, but

was unimportant. The

on

in

A

after

line I

of boys sitting

could tolerate no

grabbed one of the boys from

72

/

Had

to

him

behind, pulled

Another boy

Row Across

sky spun. Grass flew.

The

my

all

next thing

knew,

I

used

Duke and

that

I

bruise

my

puddle of blood. Lamar was

in a

ice to stop the bleeding.

My

a long talk

Pearl,

I

right thigh

After I'd gotten

about whether

about the injury.

we needed

to

We didn't. my

closed the mirror on

hands were

had intentionally put on

on

The

of punching and

good; Johnny hit you with a golf club;

is

my parents

away.

it

woke up

I

had

I

Aboard the American and tucked

to the ground.

My parents were out, but my brother Duke was

Duke

say anything to

into the weeds.

might.

everybody go home."

cleaned up,

me

the supreme satisfaction

I felt

standing over me. "Blood

"babysitting."

him

off the fence, and dropped

from the fence, knocking

leapt

kicking with

Ocean

the

compass

free of blisters. I'd lost the fat

for the journey.

from the July 2 capsize.

There was

a large

A sliver of sunlight

highlighted a small triangular scar on the side of my thigh. This was

come from

the only visible scar that had the fight started, but told

my mother

it

I

I

don't

remember how

ended when Valerie stabbed me

in the leg.

that I'd been bitten by a dog. It wasn't a

was a mangy, flea-bitten worried that

a girl.

cur. It

would get

was certain

rabies,

but

I

that she

was no

lie.

lady.

I

Valerie

Mother

assured her that the dog had

been "very healthy."

The

boat

fell

off a

wind out of me. to get past this

It felt as if a gorilla

adverse current

anything cooped up in

mood was a slap.

now

wave and slapped down so hard

as fierce

The wind

that's enough.

and stormy I

knocked the

my

back. / have

andfind the Gulf Stream

this cabin.

bellowed.

had smacked

it

A wave

again. I cant do

... a slap. Before long,

as the conditions outside.

bellowed back.

I'm going rowing.

I

A wave

A wave

my .

.

.

... a slap. No,

bolted from the cabin. Before

I

could haul in the sea anchor a wave came over the deck and knocked

me down. In a water,

fit

I

kicked

of rage,

and hurled

at the retreating water. I

it

my seat, and rowed

hauled in the sea anchor, snatched

onto the deck in a heap.

I

it

out of the

untied the oars, took

the boat headlong into the squall.

Waves tangled

Independence

Day

73

my oar handles and whacked my kneecaps. Ocean spray rained down. As I rowed into the teeth ot the storm, my mood grew volcanic. My brain kept dragging me toward the place where memory was all ash and searing ember.

As a dog

returns to

hack to that place?

IT

WAS LATE

Lamar and

my

watch wave. 7/

I

I

its

vomit, so a fool repeats her folly.

Why must I revisit that original sin?

SPRING,

I

was nearing the end of eighth grade.

lingered after school.

I

practiced basketball so

favorite teacher get into his car

would wave. Then Lamar and

was a stupid teenage

The

Why must I go

teacher came.

I

and drive away.

1

could

He would

would walk home.

crush.

The

teacher went.

Danger lurked just around

the corner. In

giddy with girlish thoughts of love.

How

my folly, I was

blind

could I have been so

and

selfish, so

stupid?

Five older boys, each with a length of bailing twine,

from the

came around

side of the school building.

I didn't know them, but they seemed to know Lamar.

The boy

in the red T-shirt

ot danger; his eyes

begged me

Lamar couldn't run I

looked ashamed. His face warned to run.

very fast.

looked to the teacher's parking

turned to the playing

me

fields,

lot;

the last car was gone.

I

the teams were away.

"Run, Lamar, run!"

We

ran, but the boys caught

Lamar and pushed him

shallow alcove by the back door to the cafeteria. until

I

saw them pull Lamar's pants down.

I

I

into the

stood at a distance

charged back toward

my brother. I wasn't big enough, or strong enough, or fast enough.

The

boys dragged

ment and the playing

me away biting and kicking. Between the pavefields

stood a

tall

row of pine

trees.

The

boys

"

.

74

/

Had

to

How Across

the

Ocean

my struggling arms behind me around a tree. The bailing twine cut into my wrists and elbows. The tree didn't have low branches to provide cover. The boys left me and went back to my brother. tied

I screamed and I screamed. I pulled andjerked against the twine.

There were houses on could hear me.

No

someone

either side of the school. Surely

No

one came.

one heard

my

it." I

could hear the other boys taunting him.

one

One boy

heard the grunts and moans that came from the alcove. wouldn't "do

No

screams.

couldn't

1

see.

Maybe

it

When

they were finished, they

was

ing around to look for Lamar, a

bow.

It

took such

with shame.

I

didn't get up.

my

"No

smiled.

Lamar came

that this had not been the

loved to

to

was paralyzed

I

my brother.

wallowed on

I

my brother.

first

the pool

.

.

to

me.

He

looked

me

over and

undemanding expression

blood," he said. His

The bathhouse at

go

myself that

face in the dirt.

/ had failed him. Ifailed wasn't long before

didn't

I

it.

my hands had been tied with

saw that

I

wouldn't "do

stopped struggling. Twist-

left. I

effort to untie

little

the ground, burying

It

who

the boy in the red T-shirt

told

me

time.

Lamar had stopped swimming. Lamar

.

swim

We walked home in slow silence. There was nothing to say. In my rock-strewn silence,

vowed never again

I

apart, solitary, independent, singular. selfish,

too irrational

.

.

Sharp

to stay sharp.

I

would stand

Love was too dangerous, too

too ladylike. Love was blind, and

.

To

eyes that were cold and clear.

needed

to fall in love.

shield

as the knife

I

my

I

needed

brother from harm,

wished

I'd

had that

I

day.

Sharp as the knives I've carried ever since.

From added

that day forward, every fight, every insult, every injury,

fuel to the rage

could not navigate. Every person in need

I

became my brother. Each time salt into

No

the unutterable

longer would

I

I

wound

failed to

of this

make

a difference,

primary

it

rubbed

failure.

be content to merely joust with helplessness;

I

Independence

would hunt

it

down and

every corner of

it. 1

vowed

my lite. would become I

and clever enough

would make

kill

to protect the people

a difference.

would be

I

to

75

lhi\