Humiliation: mental health and public shame [First edition] 9781838671013, 9781838670986, 9781838671006, 1838671013

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HUMILIATION

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HUMILIATION Mental Health and Public Shame BY

MARIT F. SVINDSETH Norwegian University of Science and Technology, Norway and

PAUL CRAWFORD University of Nottingham, UK

United Kingdom North America Japan India Malaysia China

Emerald Publishing Limited Howard House, Wagon Lane, Bingley BD16 1WA, UK First edition 2019 Copyright r 2019 Marit F. Svindseth and Paul Crawford. Published under exclusive licence. Reprints and permissions service Contact: [email protected] No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, transmitted in any form or by any means electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise without either the prior written permission of the publisher or a licence permitting restricted copying issued in the UK by The Copyright Licensing Agency and in the USA by The Copyright Clearance Center. Any opinions expressed in the chapters are those of the authors. Whilst Emerald makes every effort to ensure the quality and accuracy of its content, Emerald makes no representation implied or otherwise, as to the chapters’ suitability and application and disclaims any warranties, express or implied, to their use. British Library Cataloguing in Publication Data A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library ISBN: 978-1-83867-101-3 (Print) ISBN: 978-1-83867-098-6 (Online) ISBN: 978-1-83867-100-6 (Epub)

ISOQAR certified Management System, awarded to Emerald for adherence to Environmental standard ISO 14001:2004. Certificate Number 1985 ISO 14001

I dedicate this book to my grandson, Fredrik. I will do my best to see you, listen to what you tell me, and show you empathy. I will help you reflect upon your emotions, interact generously with others and love mother earth. Just now, we are going to play a lot! (Marit) For two courageous men (Paul).

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CONTENTS About the Authors

ix

Acknowledgements

xi

Preface: Seeding Violence

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1. What Is Humiliation? 1.1. Some Aspects of the Word ‘Humiliation’ 1.2. Degradation 1.3. Confusion, Powerlessness, and Helplessness 1.4. Violation/Assault 1.5. Feeling of Injustice 1.6. Fear of Future Humiliations and Public Exposure 1.7. Exclusion 1.8. Public Exposure and Individual Values 1.9. Effect on Self-esteem 1.10. Self-esteem, Shame and Humiliation 1.11. The #MeToo Campaign 1.12. Our Ability to Hurt Others 1.13. Power 1.14. Rank of Status 1.15. Humiliation and Memory 1.16. Personality 1.17. Self-image, Values, and Self-esteem 1.18. Defence Mechanisms 1.19. Preserving a Healthy Self-esteem

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3 8 9 13 15 17 19 20 21 23 24 27 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 38

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2. Reactions to Humiliation 2.1. Differences between Shame and Humiliation 2.2. Ruining Self-esteem and Self-image 2.3. Additional Psychological Understanding of Self-image and Self-esteem 2.4. Elements in the Concept of Humiliation 2.5. What Activates Humiliations? 2.6. Humiliation and Narcissism 2.7. Symptoms and Traits of Narcissism 2.8. The Symptoms of Narcissism 2.9. Overt versus Covert Narcissism 2.10. Vulnerability to Humiliations 2.11. Humiliation as Seeding Mental Illness, Violence, and Terrorism 2.12. Vulnerability and Entitlement 2.13. Humiliation on Behalf of Others

Contents

41 41 45 47 48 48 50 51 56 58 61 63 70 71

3. Healing, Neutralizing, and Preventing Humiliation 3.1. Empathy 3.2. Neutralizing Humiliations 3.3. Human Dignity, Power Balance, Status Rank, and Compassion 3.4. Challenging the Freedom to Humiliate Others 3.5. Revisiting Cases of Humiliation 3.6. Core Values and Reducing Humiliationinspired Terrorism 3.7. Toolbox for Neutralizing Humiliation

73 76 77

107 108

Bibliography

113

Index

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78 80 82

ABOUT THE AUTHORS Marit F. Svindseth is Professor of Mental Health at the Norwegian University of Science and Technology (NTNU), teaching this subject at all levels of higher education. She also has 15 years of clinical experience of working in both secure in-patient and community mental health settings. Her research has focused on mental health, especially on how patients or users of mental health facilities perceive the care and thus acknowledged the presence of humiliation in different settings. Paul Crawford is the world’s first Professor of Health Humanities, pioneering the field and launching multiple new research, educational, and practice initiatives worldwide. He directs the Centre for Social Futures at the Institute of Mental Health, UK, and co-directs the Health Humanities Research Priority Area at The University of Nottingham. He is also an Adjunct Professor at NTNU. His recent publications include Health Humanities (Palgrave, 2015), which is being translated into Mandarin by Springer Beijing. He is also the editor of the Emerald Arts for Health Series (forthcoming, 2020) for the general reader.

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ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS Writing this book has been challenging and rewarding. The work would not have been possible without my co-author and colleague Paul Crawford who always chose motivating words when my brain was sleeping. My first grandson, Fredrik Karlsen Svindseth, was born in 2018. He has inspired me to finish writing this book. I want him to be part of a world that takes seriously and responds to the devastation caused by humiliation. Fredrik’s mother, my daughter, Cecilie, has provided wise advice and opinions during the writing process. Together with her partner, Christoffer Karlsen, we have grown closer together through our discussions. The same is true of my son Christian and his wife Tove. They both have the ability to turn thoughts around, find new perspectives, and ask controversial questions in order to shake things up. I thank them for testing our theories and ideas. To my husband, Torstein, who has provided me with the time and space needed to be able to write the book. Thank you for lighting the fire and brewing coffee every morning! My dear friend Åse Scott Dahl has supported me for years, especially when I lost faith in myself. She read the manuscript alongside Paul’s son Jamie Orion. Both eagerly advised finishing the book and offered sound advice. I am grateful to my long-time friend Berit Bjørnestad for our thinking walks with Borzoi Enya and Silken Windhounds Gizmo and Shiko. My dogs have done so much to restore my body xi

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after serious health problems. They have given me unconditional love and joy every day. There is always a danger of leaving someone out when thanking colleagues. To those I fail to name, forgive me. Nevertheless, I will give a special mention to the following who have inspired me: Ingunn K. Hunstad, Janne Rita Skaar, Frøydis Vasset, Bente S. Skagøy, and Ingunn Vasset. It has been wonderful to have your energy and encouragement down the years. You deserve the best! I also thank Marie Flem Sørbø who shared my office and her mind on the topic of humiliation. I also wish to thank my professional mentors who have supported me for decades. First, Prof Alv A. Dahl has been irreplaceable; his knowledge and wisdom has given me valuable insight into the topic of personality. I hope he finds his voice within our book. Second, I owe the psychiatrist Arild Hunstad a big thank you for his views and knowledge. I observed the nonhumiliating ways he treated his patients when we both worked in the same psychiatric hospital unit. I learned a lot from him about seeing the value and worth of each individual. I also thank patients, friends, and women in abusive relationships, sharing their feelings and reactions to degradation and other humiliating acts. They have provided me with their views of the devastating effects of humiliation. Finally, I started with thanking my co-author; I will end it by thanking him again. Without him, this book would not have been possible. M.F.S

PREFACE: SEEDING VIOLENCE

There is a global appetite to humiliate others and bring them down, often in brutal ways. The public shaming of others has become a chief entertainment. Anyone can find themselves in the cross hairs of humiliation and social media has made this all the more possible and apparent. However, the worst is yet to come from this widespread phenomenon. Humiliation delivers much more than personal or individual loss and calamity. It may be human society’s greatest challenge yet. The relentless humiliation of nations, organizations, groups and individuals is placing our world in peril if we but knew it. Indeed, humiliation seeds violence and can be viewed as the world’s greatest risk to peace. If, as some people believe, we are already in a less than visible World War III, we can suspect that humiliation is the real culprit and it will bring us all down unless we do something about it. In this short book, we will explain humiliation and its impacts; how people react to it; and how to limit its damaging influence on individuals and society. We will refer to observed humiliations in the media and also in the lives of others with whom we have come into contact in our professional work in the field of mental health. In the final chapter, we consider better personal strategies for responding to a selection of the observed humiliations.

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CHAPTER 1 WHAT IS HUMILIATION?

Most people will have a good sense of what humiliation is and how it plays a memorable part in our lives. Humiliation is one of those experiences in life that we tend to want to forget about. However, perhaps that is telling us something. In this part of the book, we introduce some of the key ideas about humiliation and begin to share brief stories from people who have been humiliated. Through the stories, we learn more about the different ways that humiliation enters the lives of people of all ages and backgrounds. The common factor is that they have all experienced being humiliated. Their witness to the impact of being humiliated or shamed is our best guide to possible solutions. Shame springs from a personal sense of failing that can arise internally from personal reflection or externally by another person’s critical comments or behaviour. What we know is that both emotions have a strong impact on individuals. However, it is the second and more intensely embarrassing part of the shame-humiliation pairing (see Tomkins, 1963) public shaming that concerns us in this book, that is, humiliation. Most people will have experienced some level of public shaming and intense embarrassment in their lives 3

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that provokes a blushing face, but there are several, often disturbing aspects to humiliation which can bring serious consequences for individuals and society. Although there is only sparse empirical research into humiliation or its psychopathology or effects as noted by scholars such as Elison and Harter (2007), anecdotal or narrative evidence suggests that humiliation provokes suicide; mass murders, such as school killings; and other kinds of violence, as in terrorist acts, not least the bombing of civilians. Research also identifies a link between humiliation and depression or anxiety. Clearly, humiliation can drive people into psychologically compromised states, which, in turn, may develop into self- or other-directed violence. We have all witnessed more than enough humiliation. While humiliation can feature in lighter aspects of society, for example, in its comedy, or as a choice integral to sadomasochism, it is more often a serious, non-consensual, and highly damaging phenomenon. Even in comedy, not least satire, the distance between laughter and offence can be very short as in the provocative Charlie Hebdo drawings of Muhammad or Shikibu Murasaki’s ancient novel The Tale of Genji, where people are ‘laughed to shame’. It is horrible to feel the emotion of being humiliated which involves a public loss of face and shame. Multiple films and photographs have captured the devastating effects of humiliation. Our stomachs churn when looking at the many disturbing images of humans being degraded. For example, take the stark and intense images of the orange-suited victims humiliated by Jihadi John or, conversely, those imprisoned in Guantanamo or Abu Ghraib. There are multiple humiliations like this in the histories and works of all nations and societies. Sometimes the humiliation is more subtle but palpable, as in the images of Syrian refugees who walked from Greece through the Federal Republic of Macedonia, Serbia and into Hungary

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only to be corralled and thrown food packages like feeding time at a zoo. Beyond individuals and groups, even nations can be humiliated and disrespected. Should we expect such nations to be peaceful? If nations or peoples are humiliated, as in Germany’s economic degradation after the First World War or the Palestinian allocation to the Gaza Strip and West Bank, then we will face further conflict and tumult. As we write, Western and Middle-Eastern nations and peoples are humiliating one another in a gross game of ‘pass the parcel’. Leaders of the most powerful nations on earth are bashing each other in the media, by economic warfare, cyberattack and through deadly and symbolic put-downs such as the use by the Russian state of Novichok on UK soil. Even highprofile awards can bring humiliation, as in the case of the dissident Liu Xiabo receiving the Nobel Prize in 2010. China perceived this as direct criticism and, indeed, humiliating. They responded with a trade boycott of Norway. More recently, Donald Trump mobilized the vote for him becoming president of the United States by humiliating Muslims, blacks, Hispanics, and women. He even spoke of China ‘raping’ his beloved country. These kinds of actions and slurs escalate the idea of ‘us against them’. It seems that leaders of nations do not think twice about how their symbolic actions and words will bring further conflict or violence down the line. Often, we become insensitive to the devaluation of others or their values. We grow hardened to the humiliation that we, perhaps non-intentionally, inflict on our fellow human beings. In humiliation, we are talking about actions that can be subtle yet painful ‘put-downs’ or in-your-face public disapproval, denunciation or ridicule. Back in 1956, Harold Garfinkel defined such phenomena as ‘status degradation

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ceremonies’ that mark ‘the irony between what the denounced appeared to be and what [they are] seen now really to be’ (p. 422). This ‘bringing down’ or what Gilbert (1997) identifies as an attack on the ‘social attractiveness’ of others is happening more and more across our shrinking world. We see powerful leaders trying to handshake their competitors into submission in front of the cameras. It is not enough these days to win the grip it has to be witnessed by everyone on the planet. Celebrities are shamed by pictures of plastic surgery gone wrong or private sexual preferences revealed to the public. From our workplaces and homes to our hospitals and schools and onto our streets, humiliation is taking over. In most cases, however, it is the weakest of citizens who are most likely to suffer at the bottom of the humiliation chain. As physical and psychological walls are erected that separate the worthy from the unworthy, the poorest among us are set for the equivalent of a full body slam. Our society rewards the behaviour of coping in our work, private lives and social life. People who in one way or another fall outside of the lifestyle that society rewards, such as those with drug problems, the elderly, children, disabled or mentally ill, are prone to experience humiliations. For example, imagine for a moment, the humiliation experienced by a person with mental health problems forcibly removed in handcuffs from their home or the street by the police. Should we be surprised if they fight back? Consider an older person spoken to in front of family members as if they were a baby or cognitively impaired. Should we be surprised if they strike out or throw a plate of food at us? These are the common, daily humiliations experienced by people all over the world. Historically, we share the images of humiliation dealt out to individuals and large numbers of people, from a naked single girl, Kim Phuc, in the Vietnam War to the countless victims

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of the Holocaust and other barely imaginable devastations in Cambodia, Rwanda, Bosnia, and Dafur. Yet humiliation is not a simple phenomenon. We will now try to shed light on different aspects of humiliation, its association to our personality traits, our reactions to it, how we can recognize it, avoid doing it to others and how to heal each other after being shamed or humiliated. Humiliation is rooted in the Latin word humiliare, which means to humble or to bring down. It is a strong or intense feeling or emotion (Otten and Jonas, 2013), and the humiliated will remember the violation for years, perhaps even a lifetime. The recognition of humiliation is key to developing our empathy but also the first important step towards neutralizing it. Several definitions of humiliation occur in literature but four should suffice here. All these definitions of humiliation seem to consider violation of human dignity as an important element. First, Statman (2000) defines humiliation as suffering an actual threat to or fall in one’s self-esteem. Second, Lindner writes that it is when people treat others as inferior against their will. Third, according to Lazare and Levy, humiliation is explained as ‘the emotional response of people to their perception that another person or group has unfairly or unjustly lowered, debased, degraded, or brought them down to an inferior position, that they are not receiving the respect and dignity they believe they deserve’. Fourth, Torres and Bergner emphasize the loss of the standing to claim status as a central element of humiliation: When a humiliation annuls the very standing of individuals as eligible to make status claims on their own behalf, these individuals have been nullified as participating actors in the relational domain, or community in which the humiliation has taken place.

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1.1. SOME ASPECTS OF THE WORD ‘HUMILIATION’ In the tabloid press and in social media, humiliation brings ridicule and the humiliated are told to ‘suck it up’ rather than being allowed to argue that they did not deserve this. The humiliated are represented as bringing it upon themselves by their own actions and emotions. As an intense emotion, humiliation closely relates to shame, guilt, embarrassment or a fall in pride. Often humiliation is aligned with shame. However, these are not the same. The most important difference between shame and humiliation is that shame is selfinflicted while others inflict humiliation upon us. Table 1.1 reveals the key elements of this dynamic. In this sense, shame can result from humiliation, but it is not dependent on it. In Christiane Sanderson’s (2015) useful ‘spectrum of family of shame emotions’ (adapted in Table 1.2 below), we see how mild, moderate and severe forms play out.

Table 1.1. Key Elements of Humiliation and Shame. Humiliation

Shame

Degradation

Guilt

Confusion

Shortcoming

Powerlessness/helplessness

Impropriety

Violation/assault

Disrepute

Feeling of unjustness

Feeling of justness

Fear of future humiliations

Fear of future shame

Public exposure

Private experience

Inflicted by others

Inflicted by oneself

Exclusion/withdrawal

Isolation/withdrawal

Effect on self-esteem

Loss of self-esteem

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Table 1.2. Sanderson’s Spectrum of Family of Shame Emotions (adapted). Mild

Moderate

Embarrassment

Guilt

Chronic shame

Healthy shame

Humiliation

Humiliated fury

Authentic pride

Severe

Excessive pride

We will take a closer look at the content of the different key elements of humiliation and shame.

1.2. DEGRADATION Degradation has many aspects to it, and different situations trigger different humiliating experiences across the lifespan. For example, adolescents seem to react most to the humiliations in social media, where they can quickly drop in status from being popular to being a social outcast, as in the case of Steph below. Such young people are prone to transform degradation into shame. Steph had enjoyed a happy childhood and was thriving at school. She gathered friends around her and scored high in her assessments. She began a relationship with one of the older boys at the school who was also very popular. When she contracted chlamydia from him, the boy claimed that she had infected him. Other girls and boys at the school quickly posted that she was ‘a slut’. Steph was mortified, felt dirty, and humiliated but did not understand how she could fight the allegations. Steph knew that although the story was false, many

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of the people would believe it. She transformed the humiliation into feeling ashamed and went off sick for several weeks. The postings got worse on her return, claiming that she was having special treatment. Steph became increasingly depressed and started to isolate herself at break times by going to the library. The story of Steph and her experience of ‘slut-shaming’ (Ringrose and Renold, 2012) will feature again later in the book when we offer suggestions for overcoming or recovering from humiliation. Not simply young people are vulnerable to degradations. For the adult population, this can often occur in the workplace (see Fisk, 2001). We spend about 30% of our waking lives at work and humiliation can occur there as much as anywhere. Yet the impact in this context can be huge as it forms a significant chunk of our lived experience. Here, the strongest or most potent degradations are when people do not achieve the status they feel they deserve or when, as in the case of Susan, they are undermined, disempowered or have their ideas devalued: Susan was creative and had a number of good ideas, which she was eager to share with colleagues. She also felt that her creativity could be valuable to the company. Indeed, her analysis showed that a project she designed could be highly profitable. Yet one of her peers disagreed and mobilized a more senior colleague to block its development. Susan, an enthusiastic employee, felt cut off, stopped talking about the project and eventually, after not feeling valued in other aspects of the work, resigned. She

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felt her competence challenged and her efforts disregarded. Here, Susan’s work environment diminished her value as a creative and positive member of the workforce. Clearly, She lost a great deal from this degradation but the company and her colleagues also lost out. Her colleagues no longer benefited from her creative contributions and passion for the work. The company quite possibly turned down a profitable innovation. Just as people can be humiliated in the workplace, retired, elderly people can face a similar fate. In hospitals, retirement and care homes, elderly populations can feel disempowered and subject to belittling, degrading behaviour towards them. In frailty, such individuals can feel trapped in a ‘second childhood’ where people speak to them like a baby. Put simply, as with people with serious mental disorders, such individuals can find themselves ignored, unseen and unheard. They may feel subject to physical power, humiliated in being treated as unknowing objects without respect and dignity for their unique identities, or as in the case of Jane below, being removed from a high or dignified status: Jane had been a highflying accountant, living independently after the death of her husband. Now, suffering from Alzheimer’s disease, she found herself in a care home. She still recognized members of her family. They doted on her and visited regularly, buying her new clothes, taking her out to the hairdressers and ensuring that her nails were manicured. As much as possible, Jane’s family, tried to maintain her dignity. Yet once visiting time ended, the carers would pull Jane to her feet

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without so much as a word, guide her into a chair and whisk her off to the toilet even though she could walk slowly with support. There, the carers would proceed to ‘jolly her’ onto a toilet seat, ignoring her complaints about the door being left open. In Alzheimer’s or other dementias, personality traits can become exaggerated or completely change. However, it is reasonable to believe that respect for people with such a condition is fundamental in maintaining their quality of life. If carers do not show respect to people with dementia, the outcome can be depression, anger or violence. This can then lead to the person with dementia being labelled as ‘difficult’ and result in further devaluation by carers in a downward spiral. Similarly, degradation can occur in relationships at home as in the following case of Winona: Winona, 56 years of age, was divorced after 30 years of marriage. She and her husband had six children together, all of them grown up and living elsewhere. As a young woman, Winona had a dream of training as a lawyer. She had already started her studies when she first got pregnant and the couple decided that she should stay at home for few years. Initially, Winona only wanted one or two children but her husband always desired ‘a whole football team’, as he put it. He had a strong personality and Winona started to lose her focus on doing something for herself and succumbed to being the kind of wife her husband wanted her to be. Winona was young when she met her future husband and developed a dependent personality

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with much less self-esteem compared to him. The children were born a year apart and, as her husband had quite a decent income as a doctor, she never got to train in law. When all of the children moved out, Winona and her husband realized they had nothing more in common and divorced. Although the divorce was a mutual decision, Winona felt betrayed. She suddenly felt that she had wasted her life and could have combined being a mother with training as a lawyer. When her ex-husband remarried to a 30-year-old, highly educated woman, Winona fell apart. Effectively, Winona lost much of her self-identity when her children and husband all moved on in this way. As a doctor, her husband had intellectual stimuli in his workplace. Everyone admired him as he had received various awards and prizes. He even had a much younger new wife. In contrast, Winona felt cut adrift and without a strong foundation for her own self-esteem. She became very bitter but also felt unjustly treated and humiliated. Importantly, she felt degraded and replaced by ‘a better model’. She also knew that she could have chosen differently at an early age and was angry and ashamed of herself for not having been more conscious about her own choice in life. Winona remained bitter with negative emotions preventing a more settled life.

1.3. CONFUSION, POWERLESSNESS, AND HELPLESSNESS It is common to experience confusion when exposed to humiliation. We cannot prepare for humiliation because it

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often strikes us without warning. A mix of sudden emotions makes thinking it through difficult, and there is no obvious way to act on the humiliation. Brian was 19 years old and a student at a prestigious university. He was ambitious and wanted to do well to achieve his dream of becoming an architect. One of the professors wanted the students to sketch out an idea of an urban house. Brian put his soul into this project as the idea of drawing a house like this had been his dream for years and he already had quite a few urban house plans drawn already. He got a straight A on his project. A couple of years later, the professor received a prize for the plans of an urban house, very similar to Brian’s original project. Brian felt confused. He was asking himself what had happened. He believed in the integrity of his tutors yet he recognized the details in the plans as his own and began to view the action by the professor as a theft of ideas. Brian did not know what to do. He doubted his sense of what was right and wrong. He lost trust in others and in his ability to make a decision in this case. He felt humiliated and powerless to act. Brian suspected that any complaint about the matter would lead to a vindictive drop in his final grades. If he went to the Dean, the professor could also be in trouble and the conflict might escalate. However, if he did nothing, his ideas would remain violated. In the end, Brian talked to the professor who insisted that, as the project mentor, he originated the ideas behind the awardwinning plans.

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Brian suffered humiliation after humiliation by: a) having his work stolen; b) being excluded from the prestigious award; c) being lied to by the professor; and d) feeling incapable of neutralizing the humiliations and restoring his self-esteem. For years to come, Brian still felt uneasy whenever anyone mentioned his former professor. Brian had contemplated both rational and irrational ways to get even. He thought rationally about devoting his working life to honing his work and thus ‘showing’ the professor that his former humiliation was nothing to him. He also looked into contacting the professor again in hope for a sincere apology. However, the emotional part of his brain led Brian to entertain ideas of how to ruin the professor’s professional life or, even worse, physically attack him.

1.4. VIOLATION/ASSAULT Physical assault provokes the strongest feeling of humiliation. The autonomous reaction to this is fight or flight. Violent assaults will be an attack on a victim’s trust in others and their integrity; it can spark deep emotions of guilt and shame. In the following case, we see how physical violation by the police, even when possibly needed, can profoundly affect a person’s sense of self and injustice. Jerry was a young man in his mid-twenties. He had never been in contact with mental health services although his family had concerns because of his strange behaviour and withdrawal. Jerry held paranoid ideas, believing a neighbour was out to kill him. He kept a gun with him at all times in case of attack. He also believed that the Government sent

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him secret messages through the TV news channel. When Jerry’s behaviour caused concern, his father called the GP who in turn requested admission to the hospital due to the serious symptoms of mental illness. The ambulance service requested that the police attend in case Jerry turned violent. The police arrived first and when Jerry came outside with a gun in his hand (but not pointing it at anyone). They took no chances and quickly disarmed him, putting him in handcuffs and escorting him to the hospital. Jerry screamed at them and tried to get loose, shouting repeatedly: ‘I didn’t do anything wrong! Please let me go!’ Jerry turned out to be a very scared young man without any violent intentions. The medical team diagnosed Jerry with schizophrenia and he had many hospital admissions for treatment. In the years following the incident, Jerry continued to talk about how he felt humiliated by the police: ‘I was treated like an animal. I don’t trust the police anymore. I am always afraid that the police will come and get me again. I still do not know what I did wrong’. As in this case, humiliation can breed a lack of trust in others and lead to a future lack of compliance or even retribution. It is quite easy for us to understand if we reflect on our own (hopefully less dramatic) experiences of being humiliated. For example, it is unlikely that we will listen to the health advice of a doctor or nurse if they have humiliated us in some way. We may struggle to trust them and question their motives. We might even take action against them through complaint, attempts to devalue them or even taking back control by acts of revenge. In some cases, such a primitive desire to ‘pay back’ the person causing the humiliation,

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and so to get even, may lead to violence. If our self-esteem is healthy, of course, we will tend to analyze the humiliating situation and find a socially acceptable way of addressing it, possibly by confronting the person about their behaviour and requesting an apology. A heartfelt apology may neutralize or minimize the humiliation. Of course, when confronted, the person doing the humiliation may respond with anger and self-defence. This could lead the victim to considering or even taking more drastic action to counter the humiliation and the feelings of powerlessness. This is something that we saw Brian above mulling over.

1.5. FEELING OF INJUSTICE Being a victim of an unjust humiliation can affect us deeply. Even the briefest ‘put down’ can stick with us for life, however long that might be. Let us take the case of retirement. Whilst retirement appears to offer a life of freedom and winding down, it can be very challenging and even lead to crisis. The way a workplace responds to a person who is retiring can have a major impact on how they review their identity, their contribution in work and how they adjust to changes in role and activity. The following case is perhaps more common than we would like to think. Thomas was 67 years of age. He retired from a long career as a nurse and felt he had done good, decent work for his patients and the wider health care system. On the day of his retirement the leaders arranged a party and in their speech, they emphasized the work he had done and that they really wanted him to contribute in some way in the future. Thomas revealed in his speech and in a

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‘goodbye’ meeting with his line manager that he would love to carry on doing one day a week of work in the hospital. His line manager supported this idea. For two months, Thomas heard nothing from the hospital and he called his former line manager who answered with a very cold voice that they had no vacancies for the time being but they would of course call him if needed. Thomas felt that he had been let down, devalued and treated unjustly. Despite his former colleagues telling him how much they would benefit from him returning to the workplace, Thomas now doubted the value of his work. He ruminated and became very preoccupied with why the line manager would ignore his wishes. In retirement, he became a bitter old man, snapping at nurses that came to his home when he started to need care himself. His reputation as a ‘difficult’ patient in the home-based care system grew. The nurses visiting him were distant and this added to his bitterness. After a lifelong commitment to the hospital, Thomas felt humiliated. Despite his leaders talking so positively about his impact on patient care, he found himself completely overlooked. The worst part was the feeling of being useless and questioning the value of his former work as a nurse. The damage of humiliation extended into his retirement and the poor relationship with his fellow nurses once he became a patient himself. In essence, he shifted from a personal engagement with people in his workplace to a more distant, bureaucratic humiliation of ‘being called’ if needed and the call never coming. Similarly, many people have had to ‘talk to a bureaucracy’ in ways that bring devaluation, not least following complaints to faceless organizations. An asymmetry of

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power here can transform a meaningful complaint into a bureaucratic humiliation. In response to complaint, organizations may belittle the complainant, not hear or take any complaint seriously, resist any criticism, delay their response and devalue the complainant’s opinion through spoken or written ‘put-downs’ or meaningless statements.

1.6. FEAR OF FUTURE HUMILIATIONS AND PUBLIC EXPOSURE If a person experiences humiliations often, they will develop a fear of future occurrences. Fear of this happening will probably also negatively influence and decrease the ability to cope, although the opposite occurs with some people. Some humiliated individuals increase their coping skills as a strategy to neutralize the humiliation, planning to show those who humiliated them and those who happily witnessed the event without speaking out that they were wrong. However, in most cases, the fear of future humiliation leads people to withdraw from having a fulfilling life, avoiding situations where humiliations could take place. Samantha was 14 years old when she became the victim of picture sharing on the Internet. Somebody had taken her nude picture in the shower after swimming lessons at school and published it on social media. The photo showed Samantha in a very compromising posture and it went viral. The photo accumulated many ridiculing comments and Samantha refused to leave her house in fear of being recognized. She was devastated and her parents, although trying to have the photo removed from the

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Internet, felt helpless, powerless and unable to correct what had taken place. Many teenagers all over the world recognize the situation in which Samantha found herself, with all manner of bodyshaming taking place. Her humiliation remained part of the unconstrained digital memory with ongoing visibility. Samantha did not cope very well at all and developed severe suicidal thoughts. We know that some young people or even children do respond to such events with self-mutilation or suicidal behaviour. Samantha was humiliated but also felt ashamed due to her own perceptions of her imperfect body, caught on film in an uncompromising fashion when she should have been protected and safe.

1.7. EXCLUSION A common action towards people who are already being humiliated or ‘put down’ in some way is to exclude them from groups. The exclusion constitutes an extra humiliation and those exposed to this will search for inclusion in different groups. As we see with the case of Preston below, this is not easy to do. His degraded status as a ‘swot’ blocks a longstanding passion. Preston did well in school and aimed to be a dentist. He was ten years of age and he loved playing football. His parents suggested he join the football soccer team. Preston did so but during the first training session, he found himself isolated on the field. The other boys seemed to ignore him and he rarely had the ball passed to him. He tried to show his footballing skills but his teammates ignored him. He sensed that they viewed him as different because

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of his reputation as a keen scholar who was only interested in getting high grades. Preston soon quit the football team and felt unjustly treated and disappointed. He kept mostly to himself aware that the members of the team viewed him as a social misfit. As with Preston, we all need a sense of belonging, not only in our close family, but also in a wider social context. When failing to be included we may relate the exclusion to ourselves, our character, who we think we are. We may think that we are not good enough. In some cases, this may be technically correct. For example, exclusion from a sports team may be justified when not performing well. Even when deserved, rejection from a group can be emotionally traumatic, especially if we have invested greatly in being a member. In some circumstances, exclusion from groups can lead to a deep sense of rejection deemed unjust and which activates an emotional response of feeling humiliated. This in turn could result in loss of self-esteem, social withdrawal or, in some cases, thoughts of revenge. Others may respond by simply choosing to ignore the humiliation event and move on. Important factors affecting how we react to such humiliation are our personality, how much effort we have invested in being part of the specific group, whether the exclusion is unjust and how we think and use either infantile or mature psychological defence mechanisms to maintain a relatively stable self-esteem.

1.8. PUBLIC EXPOSURE AND INDIVIDUAL VALUES We are all part of a society in which we choose to align with certain values. Some people associate themselves extremely

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strongly with their religion or a political view. An attack on their chosen religion or politics could be a threat to their own identity. The majority of people, however, will probably take elements of their beliefs to be held as part of rather than dominating their identities. One of the doctors at a hospital was extremely careful to maintain the highest ethical standards in all decisions she made. One day she decided to use a light form of coercion in order to keep a patient with schizophrenia in the hospital to be able to treat him. The motives were good but one of the nurses questioned the ethics of keeping the patient in the hospital in a way that bordered on breaking the law since the patient was not suicidal, a danger to himself or others, or psychotic. The question from the nurse raised an unexpected and passionate reaction from the doctor. She burst out in a loud voice, ‘Who are you to question my ethical standard?!’ The narrative highlights the anger reaction from the doctor when the nurse challenges her ethical standard. She felt humiliated by the nurse who clearly hit a raw nerve. The doctor struggled because this ethical standard is fundamental to her sense of self and core values. Some people choose these core values consciously and with a solid rationale behind the choice. Others incorporate the most common values in the society in which they live without thinking too much about the choices; they follow the norms of the society. Others do not have special core values and choose options that seem to suit them best in the moment. We tend to share a common sense about how to avoid humiliating people but sometimes we can overlook just how important a particular core value

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can be to others and undermine or disrespect them without intending to do so. How we perceive humiliation strongly links to our selfesteem. To gain a strong sense of what humiliation does, we need to get our heads around the concept of ‘self-esteem’ as well as the psychological mechanisms that support and stabilize this over time. Our values in life also have an important role in how and when we experience being humiliated.

1.9. EFFECT ON SELF-ESTEEM The two following short cases illustrate two different scenarios of how humiliations can have a long-lasting impact on self-esteem. Julie was 13 and in love with a 16-year-old boy. The boy probably did not even know her but she followed him from a distance, tried to be in places where he could appear and hoped for him to take an interest in her. When entering her bus to school one day, she saw the boy she had fantasies about sitting with a friend. Julie felt her knees weaken when she passed by with a smile on her face. Sitting down a few seats away, she heard the boy say, ‘I can’t stand fat girls!’ Julie was not overweight yet perceived that he was talking about her. She got off the bus at the next stop and ran back home. From that day, she developed an eating disorder. Most of us can handle overhearing or attributing comments like the one we have just described. We are more or less vulnerable at any given time and place to either ignore or take personally such statements and feel humiliated. In this case, Julie experienced what she perceived to be a

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humiliation, but due to her vulnerable state of mind, she almost immediately transformed the humiliation to shame and said to herself, ‘I am fat. Nobody wants me. I am ugly and fat’. Julie was vulnerable due to the social pressure about the ‘right way’ to be, body wise and in feeling passionately for the boy.

1.10. SELF-ESTEEM, SHAME AND HUMILIATION The strong emotions of feeling humiliated or feeling ashamed can affect the level of our self-esteem. It is difficult to say which emotion is strongest of the two. It is possible that shame is the strongest because with it we violate our own values. Humiliation is something done to people, but they place some of the blame outside themselves. Selfesteem diminishes in situations where humiliation turns into shame. Lucille was 35 years old when she finally broke out of a bad marriage in which she suffered mental and physical violence. For the last 15 years she had been devalued by her violent husband, being continually told that she was useless and beaten if she did something wrong. At first, she had tried to stand up for herself but as the years passed by, she lost more and more of her self-esteem. In the end, she felt unable to cope with the smallest tasks. Multiple mental and physical humiliations made Lucille believe that she was not able to cope on her own. She stayed in the marriage and believed that she deserved the abuse. She felt ashamed of the person she had become but did not know how to make any changes. She ended up being grateful that her

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husband did not leave her. The paradox is that she also ended up feeling safe in the unsafe circumstances of her life. She only had a fragile kind of control: pleasing her husband. When humiliations transform into shame, self-esteem suffers so much that coping is almost impossible. This humiliation process is summarized in the theoretical model in Figure 1.1. The idea behind the figure is that a woman in an abusive relationship (mental, physical or both kinds), develops undeserved shame after being systematically humiliated over time. As the devaluations continue the woman ends up believing that what the abuser has told her about looks, personality, not being able to perform, is true. She ends up less and less able to cope, to find anything attractive about herself and her self-image diminishes over time. There is often a power factor involved: the woman is dependent on the abuser in one way or another, for example, due to economic circumstances or poor self-image. The woman may believe that the abuser is the only person in the world that would put up with her. As humiliations continue, the woman transforms some of these into shame. At that point, the

Figure 1.1. Humiliation to Shame Transformation Modified from Svindseth (2014).

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woman perceives less humiliation but shame is growing. This is a crucial transition because coping skills decrease when shame dominates personal identity. It is then that the woman becomes unable to leave the person humiliating them. It is then that she is unable to stand up for herself. How many times have we heard in similar cases, or even said, ‘Why doesn’t she leave the abusive relationship?’ A major part of the explanation is that a woman full of shame with decreasing coping mechanisms struggles to believe that she is capable of breaking away. The same mechanism will probably be present in other situations where humiliations are severe and systematic over time. In other words, this is not simply the case for women in abusive relationships but can also serve as a model for transformations from humiliation to shame in different circumstances and across genders. The important thing to notice is that humiliations over time can transform into shame and have a huge effect on selfesteem and mental health, reducing life-coping strategies to almost zero. If a person scores high on narcissism, the transformation can present itself the other way around; they may transform shame into humiliation in order to preserve their self-esteem. Jon Ronson provides good examples of the transformation of shame into humiliation in his book So You’ve Been Publicly Shamed? Ronson describes people scoring high on the personality trait of narcissism. When exposed for something they have done, such people do not feel ashamed but instead respond in a narcissistic rage or fury that results in trying to devalue or destroy the person who did this. A less narcissistic person would probably focus on the details or information revealed and feel ashamed. We will discuss narcissism in more detail later in this book.

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1.11. THE #METOO CAMPAIGN The #MeToo has been a wake-up call to men and women around the world. The campaign has focused on sexual harassment, but it will probably also instigate other campaigns about the misuse of power across the genders. In the workplace, this could involve all kinds of inequalities caused by leaders harassing employees psychologically or physically to simply ignoring or discounting them. The revolution of #MeToo has effectively disrupted complacent approaches to human contact and communication in the workplace and elsewhere, highlighting the need to respond carefully to the needs and sensitivities of others. In fact, it has brought closer together the domains of normal social contact and harassment, demanding that we look again at ways of being and working with others that may seem harmless at first sight but can be damaging or exclusionary. For example, the London Metropolitan Police Choir recently chose to open its membership and cease as an all-male choir. Whether this is seen as politically correct and unnecessary (after all, why not just add an all-female choir and even a mixed choir alongside?), the #MeToo campaign has raised awareness of gender inequalities. This raised awareness has led to many different requests for replace, not least at an economic level, as in recent demands that the BBC in the United Kingdom pay female staff the same as males in similar roles. In the following case, more directly related to the #MeToo campaign, Brooke is subject to unwanted sexual harassment. Brooke, aged 17 years, joined the youth wing of a political party and was eager to consider a career in politics. She attended a speech by one of the leading politicians in the party and was thrilled when he came to talk to her afterwards, praising her opinions

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on different issues. He asked for her phone number in case he wanted to hear more of her great ideas. Brooke felt very proud at this point and sensed she had made a great start to a career in this field. Later that night she received a text message from the politician, who was 30 years her senior, asking her to continue their discussion in his hotel room. Brooke felt uneasy and conflicted by the invitation yet continued to entertain hopes for a future in politics. To be on the safe side, she told one of her friends about the meeting and asked that she check in with her by cell phone after an hour. On arrival at the hotel room, the politician greeted and spoke with her in an appropriate way at first but soon enough he suggested she sit on his lap, informing her that he could do wonders for her career in the organization. He tried to kiss her and put his hand under her skirt. Brooke remained polite, as was her nature, while upset at the same time, excusing herself from the room. On returning to her own room, she felt humiliated and ashamed of what she perceived as her own naivety. She decided not to tell anyone for fear that the influential politician may take against both her and the young wing of the party, possibly cutting its funding. She continued to get text messages from the politician but did not answer these and after a couple of emotionally difficult months left the organization. The outcome for Brooke at the time might have been different had this happened after the #MeToo campaign. She may have found herself in the context where she could speak out, challenge the harassment and even continue to pursue a political career. Happily, she did eventually speak out,

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alerting the main political party. Because she had saved the original text messages and had a witness verifying some of the events, she was able to tell her story. The media covered the story and before long additional cases of harassment by the politician emerged and his career in top politics was ruined. He tried to apologize in the media to the young woman involved but people quickly concluded that his words were insincere and manipulative. He was sorry if they had experienced his behaviour as harassment suggesting that it was a matter of their perception rather than acting as he did. This kind of apology promotes self-blame (shame). An honest apology would have reinforced that the young women had experienced humiliations and harassment.

1.12. OUR ABILITY TO HURT OTHERS Since the 1950s, researchers have conducted experiments to try to figure out how and why individuals might inflict pain upon others. These experiments, which these days would fail to gain ethical permission, showed disturbing results. In a famous case, Stanley Milgram’s experiment examined the link between obedience to authorities and personal conscience. In the context of a present or perceived authority urging participants to inflict pain on others, 65% of those taking part did so. Repeating similar experiments in other contexts, such as a French TV game show, revealed the number of people willing to inflict pain on other human beings varied from about 30% up to more than 80%. Importantly, the lower percentage reported (30%) occurred when those inflicting pain actually saw the person’s distress. These examples show that the majority of us are capable of doing harm to others under certain contexts, although if

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we asked people, they would probably deny they could behave in this way, and faced with seeing the painful impact, many will chose not to do so. We need to ask ourselves, under which conditions do we perceive pressure to go along with the crowd and actively take part in humiliating others? It is probable that if we perceive that others have power over us, or if we admire somebody, we may override our values and go along with what they say. The kind of powers or authorities we succumb to may include social media, which we learn from Ronson can bring great and lasting harm. 1.13. POWER Humiliation is clearly about power; that is, in a general sense power over others. Power is the probability that a person can force his or her will over others despite their resistance. Submission of the other person can be through violent or non-violent means. If someone threatens us with a knife, for example, we can immediately recognize the skewness in power and our autonomous central nervous system will activate fight, flight or other strategies to avoid damage. However, when we are devalued or overlooked by a person with power over us, as in the case of John earlier, options to act can be more diffuse or inexplicit. Politicians, leaders and many others with important positions in society hold a certain degree of power over other people due to their knowledge and conferred status. This kind of power is situational and does not mean that individuals with power in one setting can decide over us in all settings. The power given to people in certain roles is necessary, but laws and regulations limit their influence. Therefore, when someone exhibits their power over us, we are within our

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rights to question or challenge their rationale for ‘showing their muscle’ over us. The power structures in social relations at home or work vary between people according to their skills or willingness to hand power over to others. The power balance is in favour of the person humiliating over the humiliated. In other words, the humiliated are generally in the less powerful position. In this way, it becomes easier to predict the potential for humiliation where power gaps occur, as for example, between a doctor and patient, a police officer and member of the public, or a physically strong husband and wife and so on. In other words, the disempowered are ripe for humiliation. Still, there are situations that seem to make people welcome or mitigate humiliations. For example, when Madonna famously exposed the bare breast of a 17-year-old fan on stage at a concert in Australia, the fan played down the affront to her modesty in public, stating ‘it was no big deal’ and ‘only I get to decide if I’m humiliated or not’. People who are strong and have a healthy self-esteem could answer like this, and it is possible that the young woman had analyzed the situation and decided that she was so certain of her identity that she did not mind what her idol did. That aside, Madonna’s actions could have proved highly damaging to the star had the fan chose to claim feeling humiliated. One also wonders what might have resulted had the celebrity in question been a man. Furthermore, and perhaps more diffusely, other women watching the event may have felt humiliated on behalf of the fan a kind of proxy humiliation.

1.14. RANK OF STATUS In general, individuals who humiliate others are often superior in status rank or perceived as superior. Sometimes, the

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attempt to humiliate the other is part of an agreed game or contest, as with politicians who may readily put down opponents and even colleagues so-called roasting. Such putdowns will tend to be perceived as a political statement as opposed to personal humiliation. That said, politicians can and do get the balance wrong, not least when their politicking extends beyond this kind of verbal combat and affects members of the public. For example, it was a different issue when Donald Trump, as a presidential candidate, questioned why the mother of a decorated Muslim veteran appearing with her husband on international television, remained silent insinuating that her silence was evidence of a submissiveness resulting from Islamic culture. In this case, the mother felt humiliated and Donald Trump’s remark backfired on him, attracting strong disapproval and negative media.

1.15. HUMILIATION AND MEMORY Humiliations are remembered for a long time not least when they undermine the normal upbringing of a child or adolescent. In this way, one can consider humiliation as a durative event in a person’s life something that does not just occur in a moment of time but across time. William was 80 years old and told a story of when he was a schoolboy and had to learn a text by heart in class. As he spoke, William seemed to become smaller and smaller. He spoke of his difficulty with this task and how the teacher humiliated him in front of the other children, asking ‘Why do I have to get all the dumb ones in my class?’ Similarly, physical therapists insist that our bodies remember for a long time afterwards the good and bad things that happen

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to us. Because of this, they take extra care when touching patients who have experienced violence or abuse in the past. These patients might suffer from posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and be unpredictable when touched on parts of their bodies which were sites of abuse/violence, or antecedents to this, and thus react automatically, either by flight or by fight.

1.16. PERSONALITY Personality is a complex puzzle developed with elements from our genes, learnt coping mechanisms, values and attributes such as altruism or empathy, and history of behaviours across changing social contexts. A common understanding of personality is to view it as individual differences in patterns of thinking, feeling, and behaving. Freud divided personality into three interacting dimensions: id, superego, and ego, as simplified in Table 1.3 below. The dimensions of personality, of course, are much more complicated than presented in the table, but this overview helps us understand a little better the competing aspects to our identities and those of people around us. Still, we need to take some other theoretical aspects into consideration, namely self-image, self-esteem, self-confidence and the mental

Table 1.3. Freud’s Interacting Dimensions of Personality. ID

SUPEREGO

EGO

Our impulsive

Our conscience, which

Our personality after

instincts or drives

comprises the values

performing conscious,

for pleasure such as sex

and morals learned from our parents and

realistic and independent decisions

others in society

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defence mechanisms that regulate or can disturb the processes to a healthy ego and self-esteem. Ricky grew up with parents addicted to heroin. They turned to crime to supply themselves with drugs and to provide their son with food and clothes. In his early years Ricky learned that if you lack something it is OK to take from those who have what you need. When Ricky attended school, he stole from his classmates and ended up excluded from school events. His classmates ridiculed and humiliated him on a daily basis. He soon became an angry, violent child, and before he turned 12 years old, the police caught him trying to sell drugs on the street. Ricky’s conscience had not properly developed to regulate his instincts and he lacked empathy for the experience of others. He did not understand why somebody should have finer clothes and sports equipment than he owned and he lived more or less by his instincts. If he wanted something, he stole it. The example shows the importance of parenting, of teaching children empathy and the distinction between right and wrong. Another important issue is to teach children to postpone their instinct of having their needs fulfilled immediately. Ricky was at high risk of developing a criminal career marked by personality and substance abuse disorders.

1.17. SELF-IMAGE, VALUES, AND SELF-ESTEEM To understand ourselves and other people better, we need theoretical concepts that can help explain behaviour, predict future behaviour as well as emphasize the importance of

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recognizing the needs of other people. We need this kind of understanding every day in our private lives and at work. Let us for a moment reflect upon the role of parenting. If parents lack understanding of the processes of their own minds, they can hardly meet the needs of their children. In this context, they react as animals do and only support the child with what their instincts tell them to do. Most of the time our personality and sense of self mature as we grow up. If parents meet a child’s basic needs, that child can begin to develop a healthy self-image, selfconfidence, deepen its values and build self-esteem. However, if the child perceives the world to be against it rather than simply being challenging, the child’s personality will develop differently. Although some components of our personality lie in our genes, it can be developed and influenced by others and diverse social contexts. Self-image is dependent on how we see our whole personality, how we think we look, how we perceive others seeing and evaluating us, acceptance of who we are and our status in our social context. Self-esteem connects to our emotions and is how we feel about ourselves. Self-esteem or the way we feel about ourselves impacts on how we evaluate ourselves. Defence mechanisms play an important role in this.

1.18. DEFENCE MECHANISMS The most important role of defence mechanisms is to preserve and maintain our self-esteem or ego. We learn defence mechanisms in childhood and adolescence. Here, we will just focus on commonly used ones (see Table 1.4). In preserving our self-esteem, mature defence mechanisms function better compared to the immature ones. We always need to be aware, however, that all of the psychological defence

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Table 1.4. The Most Common Defence Mechanisms with Common Examples. Some of the Less Mature Defence Mechanisms

Some of the More Mature Defence Mechanisms

Denial. Refusal to accept facts or

Compensation. When a person

reality. Commonly used after

tries to cover up weaknesses by a

someone close to us dies

strong focus on tasks that he or she can master well

Regression. Going back to a time

Sublimation. When a person has

or experience when the world was

impulses to act in improper ways,

safer. This can observed in people

they choose another activity to

lying in a foetal position, embracing suppress impulses themselves Acting out. Performing extreme

Rationalization. Explaining or

behaviour to suppress unbearable

justifying one’s own attitudes or

emotions, for example in excessive behaviours in a self-serving way, exercise, wearing out the body in

for example, blaming unwelcome

order to drive out difficult thoughts

events on the incapability of

and feelings

others

Dissociation. When the present is

Intellectualization. When given a

unbearable, some individuals

life-limiting prognosis, the person

seem to ‘escape’ their bodies to

escapes the fear of death or

survive. For example, in cases of

disabilities by focusing on the

abuse, an individual will try to

physiology of the disease

absent their minds from what is happening to them. Sometimes they view their bodies as from outside and not belonging to them Projection. Placing our own

Displacement. When a person

undesired thoughts or actions onto

shifts their aim (often anger) from

another individual. For example,

one person to another with less

when a man drinks too much

possible negative consequences.

alcohol and complains of his friend’s excessive drinking pattern

For example, when a person is angry with their boss but takes it

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Table 1.4. (Continued ) Some of the Less Mature

Some of the More Mature

Defence Mechanisms

Defence Mechanisms out on their spouse when they get home

Reaction formation. Diversion of

Repression. The blocking of

our own feelings into the opposite.

unacceptable thoughts. For

For example, when a person with a example, when a person lusts for private addiction to pornography

teenage girls but manages to stop

joins the public fight against pornography

the lust by doing other things

mechanisms can be immature in nature, depending on how they function in real life in each individual and the people around us. We all use defence techniques every day to cope with challenges, difficult emotions and social settings that could be challenging for us as well as to avoid anxiety. Most of the time we are unaware of our use of defence mechanisms. We learn what works for us and our subconscious seems to control and activate what is the most functional defence mechanism to preserve our self-esteem. When a person shows extensive use of self-defence mechanisms, we should be aware that there is a reason for their use, namely preserving self-esteem. The absence of the self-esteem defences could, in the worst cases, result in suicide or different kinds of psychological decline or suffering. In therapy, it is important to restore self-esteem in patients before challenging or undermining the defence mechanisms. In other words, we need our self-defence mechanisms. When growing as a person, we tend to become more aware of the mechanisms we use and start to avoid the more primitive

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ones. The most obvious example of an infantile or immature defence mechanism is the denial of doing something clearly observed by several other people. This defence mechanism is common in small children, before the age of three. Adults also use denial as a defence mechanism when they have done something they want to hide.

1.19. PRESERVING A HEALTHY SELF-ESTEEM To preserve a healthy self-esteem, we need to use our selfdefence mechanisms in a way that minimizes a perceived humiliation or attack on our self-esteem. In addition, key people around us act as a kind of ‘mirror’ strengthening the perception of ourselves as valued human beings. We need to hear that we are valuable and competent and that others appreciate us. If not, we lose more and more of our selfesteem and end up being ashamed of ourselves. It is of course normal to be ashamed of some of the things we have done in life as long as this specific shame does not generalize to the whole of our being. In the following case, we get a good sense of how important those around us really are in preserving self-esteem. When people have a low self-esteem, they are very vulnerable to humiliation, as in the case of Sandra: Medical staff admitted Sandra to a psychiatric emergency clinic after showing severe symptoms of depression for more than six months. At the hospital her husband and daughter were keen to criticize her openly in front of others, saying how she had been ‘useless’ as long as they could remember. It seemed that Sandra did not object to anything they said about her. Instead, she mumbled in agreement that she was a terrible wife and mother, worth nothing

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and that the world would be a better place if she were dead. The health personnel heard and recognized the humiliating behaviour from the relatives and stopped them from continuing with this. We can assume that Sandra would have scored very low on the narcissism and self-esteem scale. This is something that tends to be the case with people with depression, substance abuse or those bullied or exposed to violence or abuse over time. Sandra exhibits low self-esteem, compounded by her isolation within the family and the relentless negative communication about her from both her husband and her daughter. All the feedback on her ‘self’ was devastating and she transformed the humiliations into shame. Once admitted to the clinic, staff worked to increase Sandra’s self-esteem by including her in tasks she could manage herself. The depression seemed to subside and one of the side effects of the increased self-esteem was that she recognized and distanced herself from the humiliations inflicted upon her mainly by her husband. She began to believe his comments were unjust and devaluing. Gradually, she revealed more and more anger, not only towards her husband but also at what she perceived as disrespect from other patients or staff. Anger is interpreted here as a sign of healing; in other words, Sandra had started to stand up for herself. The transformation did not happen overnight; she remained in the clinic for more than eight months before discharge. The most devastating character of humiliation, therefore, is when self-esteem of an individual decreases to such a level that they start to believe the person carrying out the humiliation and transform humiliation into shame. Although our self-image is relatively stable over time, devaluations and abuse will reduce self-esteem and can

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damage or erode this underpinning view of ourselves. A severe loss of self-image can take a long time to restore. The next chapter will explain a model that can make the mental changes understandable and perhaps supply us with an understanding of why devaluations and humiliations are so devastating for individuals experiencing this.

CHAPTER 2 REACTIONS TO HUMILIATION

In this chapter, we present stories of different reactions to humiliation. Reactions to humiliation depend on the personality, the influence of social environment, religious beliefs and different psychological issues. Scientific and theoretical articles identify and report reactions to humiliation, such as anger, violence, depression, and anxiety, and that humiliation ranks as a stronger feeling compared to anger and joy. Other reactions derived from theory are withdrawal, seeking revenge, avoiding humiliations by physically moving away from possible present or future attacks. However, some people decide to prove the humiliating individual or group wrong and thus turn the humiliation into something more positive (Table 2.1).

2.1. DIFFERENCES BETWEEN SHAME AND HUMILIATION Humiliation is a public shaming which individuals can respond to either positively or negatively. Shame is an emotion we inflict on ourselves when we believe we fail to live up 41

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Table 2.1. Possible Reactions to Humiliation. Anger

Rumination/Preoccupation

Threats

Depression

Violence (could be extreme)

Loss of status

Anxiety

Worthlessness

Revenge

Self-mutilation or suicide

Devaluing the humiliating

Self-defence mechanisms

person or group Isolation

Transforming humiliation into shame

Withdrawal

Transforming humiliation into positive actions

to an ideal image of ourselves. If an individual is prone to humiliations over time, humiliation will decrease and individual shame will likely increase. When we experience continuous public devaluations, our somewhat stable sense of self-image will gradually and often unconsciously erode or diminish. We will start not questioning or objecting to the statements about us. In short, continual humiliations can do great damage. Eventually, people responding negatively to humiliation will believe that they deserve it. They will gradually adopt a degraded position. Individuals with low self-image and self-esteem will not be able to stand up for themselves; their coping will wither away. In this position, they will lose the ability to make changes in their lives. In other words, the transformation from being publically humiliated turns into something internal or within oneself, namely shame. This transformation means that the victims of humiliation blame themselves. This may be apparent, for example, in professional marginalization, which is when workers face oppression or exclusion, as in the following case of Camilla.

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Camilla, a 40-year-old nurse, working in the community for the last fifteen years, had nothing but good references from both her fellow nurses as well as the patients she cared for. She saved up money and bought a new car from her savings. This purchase coincided with a large sum of money reported stolen from the home of one of her patients. Rumours started that Camilla took the money. The police interviewed her but she was not charged. Despite her innocence, she remained under suspicion by colleagues who began to criticize everything she did. As the months passed by the ongoing negativity towards her took its toll and she began to doubt her nursing practice. Her attempts to alert colleagues to the unjust treatment changed little and her feeling of insecurity grew. This in turn led to her making uncharacteristic errors at work. She lost even more confidence, considered herself less able than colleagues and felt ashamed. Her inner voice told her she was useless at her job and she felt she had no option but to quit the job she loved. Camilla found herself in a situation she could not control. Rumours seemed to grow and expand such that colleagues even questioned her professional qualifications. She felt isolated whilst subject to these rumours and disapproval. Her insecurity when performing nursing tasks contributed to her transformation of the humiliations into shame. Although she tried to deal with the rumours, her efforts to do so increased the daily devaluations of her. She felt helpless, and instead of trying to find an alternative workplace, she gave up. She had developed a belief that she was not fit to be a nurse, unable to let go of the shame she felt by not performing her tasks as well as she wanted to, and quit her

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profession. Despite her experience, she found another job that suited her better and where she felt appreciated. Similar processes are seen in other settings as well. The next case shows the devastating outcome of humiliation when rumours and accusations are levelled at individuals before the police or justice system completes any criminal investigation or enquiry. The police investigated 60-year-old John for possible illegal financial transactions. Journalists got hold of the investigation process. The newspapers ran the story with his image and the alleged crime. The whole country seemed to witness John’s humiliation and he suffered comments and judgement both in social media and more locally with people staring at him in the street. The allegations and headlines went on for weeks. He tried to give journalists his side of the story but they just twisted the facts in new and painful ways. He struggled to fight back and restore his dignity but having lost who he believed he was and stood for he saw no other option than to take his own life. Later, the police revealed that John had done nothing criminal. Only a minor tax irregularity stood between John and his good name. We can only assume that John perceived that the police, the media, and colleagues, who had willingly given negative opinions to the newspapers, had treated him unjustly. The case of John reveals how other people inflict humiliations upon us. It also appears that the degree of humiliation increases if other people witness the event. Early in the investigation process, journalists, social media, and all the people he met when going outside of his own home had found John guilty. All the statements in print, the Internet and on social

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media would be visible for the rest of his life and after his death. He probably saw no way of overturning the unjust allegation. Mathias grew up in a loving home with parents who were able to develop his talents. He was no academic and scored low on tests that required abstract thinking but he seemed to be very good at solving puzzles and doing practical stuff around the house. His parents highlighted the things he was good at, encouraged him to fix broken objects and to spend time with his grandfather who was a handy man. Matt never felt inferior at school because his mind was set on educating himself as a carpenter. He did OK in mathematics as long as he could relate it to practical life. He managed to get through school with middling grades and was pleased when he started to learn carpentry. Unlike other stressedout students, Mathias was at peace with himself and satisfied with modest results. Mathias was fortunate in having parents and grandparents who spotted his interests at an early age and managed to strike a balance between these and the social pressure for academic achievement. They praised Mathias when he did a good job and helped him try again when he failed. Mathias benefited from not being directly criticized, growing up with a strong sense of his own value and what he wanted from life. He lived with demands on him that he could handle. 2.2. RUINING SELF-ESTEEM AND SELF-IMAGE In general, parents want a good life for their children. Having a good life is, among other things, the capability to cope with the demands that come with citizenship. Another important

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factor is ensuring that children develop a decent social life with people who value them. Compromising these important aspects to a healthy self-esteem can be devastating as in the following case of Linda. Linda grew up in a family of musicians. At 4 years old, she had her own violin and a private tutor to teach her the instrument. Her parents wanted Linda to be a world famous violinist and the training came before everything else, including social life and school homework. When Linda was 15 years old, she quit school and played the violin full time. She was good but she lacked the passion and she seemed unable to communicate the emotional part of the instrument to the audience. She always felt that she lacked coping abilities and realized at the age of 17 that she had wanted to do something else in her life. She felt violated by her parents. She felt that they had stolen her childhood and youth. At this point, she threw the violin away and searched for the life she wanted for herself. However, she did not find any environment or group that would accept her other than “outsiders” who were drug abusers. She felt accepted in the group and enjoyed a life with no expectations or demands. She remained oblivious to the potential difficulties that lay ahead. Linda experienced many demands from the time she was a child. She did not have the social life that prepared her for behaving in the real world. She always felt that she was not good enough when her parents pushed her relentlessly to practice her violin. This control and domination spread to other areas of Linda’s life. Her parents told her how to dress, how to talk and corrected her on the smallest matters all the

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time. They robbed Linda of the chance to develop her own identity and activities. Self-esteem will drop when an individual lacks positive feedback or suffers being controlled. Linda faced a stark choice of either becoming what her parents wished her to be or to try to escape. Her low self-esteem led to a rootless existence with potentially unwise choice of companions. A person with a low self-esteem will be convinced that a broken or destructive life is no more than they deserve. They will lose control of how their life takes shape or evolves. The most devastating symptom of low self-esteem is self-hate or, more accurately, indifference to oneself and one’s fate. People with low self-esteem are often critical of themselves and all of their actions. This leads to feelings of shame, believing that they are not good enough or they are not doing things the right way. This can lead to difficulties in decision-making, something that also may affect their efficiency both at work and in their private lives. People with low self-esteem also seem to worry a lot, especially about the future. This worry often deepens into profound anxiety or depression.

2.3. ADDITIONAL PSYCHOLOGICAL UNDERSTANDING OF SELF-IMAGE AND SELF-ESTEEM Our cognitive function or intellectual capacity deals with the proper adjustments of the emotions that arise in interactions with other people, social media, or the wider press. It can be tricky to sort out how emotions should be read, perceived, or acted upon, or choose which defence mechanisms are most appropriate to prevent too much damage to our self-esteem mostly because all the adjustment processes

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are done mentally and are for the most part subconscious. It is difficult to pin down the connection between our cognitive functions and our complex emotions. The connection depends on: • our entire personality and learnt defence mechanisms; • whether we score high or low on narcissism, and other personality traits; • our intellectual capacity; • our ability to analyze and adjust our initial emotions in challenging situations; • our coping skills; • our social environment; and • our political or religious beliefs.

2.4. ELEMENTS IN THE CONCEPT OF HUMILIATION Humiliation will have a particular character depending on the different levels of the humiliated person’s self-image, personality, or mood state, their position in the pecking order in terms of power, the magnitude of public exposure, the level at which the event is linked to their physical or bodily responses or state. These situational features of humiliation are summarized in Table 2.2.

2.5. WHAT ACTIVATES HUMILIATIONS? A Finnish nurse, Unni Lindstrømm, stated, ‘The inner longing of a human being is to be seen by another human being’. She meant that it is important to notice and validate others.

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Table 2.2. Situational Features of Humiliation. Remains present within the individual for a long time, perhaps a lifetime Unjustly inflicted upon individuals by others Remembered by the body Stronger for the humiliated person in an inferior role (e.g. patients, children, adolescents, and employees) Perceived differently by certain personality traits or in particular mental states (e.g. narcissism and depression) More potent when other people are witnesses Discounted or overlooked by the person assumed to be humiliated An agreed rhetorical move (e.g. among politicians) More severe when the views of the person humiliated are ignored

People can be humiliated, and thus invalidated, in a number of ways, as follows in Table 2.3. Table 2.3. Features of Invalidation in Humiliation. Not being seen Not being heard Not being included Not being considered to have the right to an opinion Subject to devaluing comments, rumours, or images (e.g. in social media) Subject to sarcasm, satire, or unwanted humour Being physically, psychologically, or socially threatened or dominated by powerful others Being forced or persuaded to act in ways not compatible with one’s own values or wishes

The next narrative shows that highly educated people with well-developed self-esteem can also be vulnerable to being humiliated in certain situations.

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Sophie had her first day as a teacher in a high school. She was anxious and vulnerable since she did not know anybody at the workplace. In the first social break time she went to a group of other teachers and sat down with them. They smiled at her but then they turned away. Sophie tried to initiate a conversation but the others ignored her and started to talk within their own group. Sophie felt pushed out. It was as if she were invisible and that her voice was unheard. She felt devalued and left the group to seek refuge in the toilet. The feeling of being unwanted was almost unbearable. At the time Sophie told her story, it was possible to see in her body language that she physically shrank in posture as she spoke about what occurred. It was also possible to observe the emotional pain of the experience, even though as time went on she became accepted and included in the community of teachers. Importantly, Sophie was able to learn from the humiliation and consider how others, not least students, may be vulnerable to similar devaluations. She explored how to avoid this kind of situation in the educational context.

2.6. HUMILIATION AND NARCISSISM According to an ancient, Greek myth, Narcissus was a beautiful but self-admiring young man, and the nymph Ecco fell in love with him. However, Narcissus did not notice her because he was so preoccupied with his own image reflected in a pond. As her revenge, Ecco made him fall into the water and drown. Based on the myth, narcissism describes a personality

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trait marked by an exceptional interest in and admiration for oneself. Long before the development of psychological terminology related to narcissism, descriptions of very selfadmiring persons appeared in the Arts. For example, in the novel The Picture of Dorian Gray, Oscar Wilde presents Dorian as trading his soul to preserve his beauty by having the ageing process suffered by a portrait image of himself. As he continues his wild life, the image ages and represents his sinfulness. Wilde creates a memorable narcissistic, self-loving, or self-centred character that continues to fascinate readers. Another example is the character Don Giovanni in Mozart’s opera of the same name. Don Giovanni is preoccupied with satisfying his own sexual lust without any consideration of the feelings and situation of all the women he seduces. Unfortunately, for all of us, narcissists often reach high positions in society. At the time of writing, this has become nauseatingly clear in the figure of Donald Trump who speaks or tweets continually about being the ‘best ever’ at everything more or less. This self-adoring and shameless leader of ‘The Free World’ brags about himself and his doings on a daily basis. Worse still, he is not exactly alone in this intense selflove. If we add a topless Vladimir Putin on horseback and go from there, the reader will be able to spend the rest of the day making a list.

2.7. SYMPTOMS AND TRAITS OF NARCISSISM When we evaluate ourselves or other people, we often divide behaviour in terms of symptoms and traits. Psychological symptoms are the result of a potentially treatable illness. Psychological traits are part of our relatively fixed personality and therefore difficult and time-consuming to change. One of

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the key psychological traits associated with narcissism is the feeling and belief that you deserve or are entitled to particular privileges regardless of the needs of others. Conversely, those with low narcissism will feel and believe that they are not entitled to those privileges. The latter kind of personality will demean or belittle themselves. Importantly, people who score high on narcissism, especially entitlement, will be much more prone to experience humiliation, and it is possible that some of these individuals will react to these events with aggression, revenge, or other malignant actions. This is deeply concerning when we consider the trend for intensely narcissistic leaders of powerful nations. We urgently need to understand how devastating humiliations can be, both mentally and in terms of public safety. That people who score high on narcissism get easily humiliated is a theory in need of some modification. A central element of narcissism is that narcissists rank the status of the people they meet. Low-status people are generally unable to humiliate narcissists. It will be a person with similar or higher status than the narcissist who can do this. Even the slightest disagreement or slur from a person of similar or higher status rank might be enough to humiliate the narcissist. Given the viral spreading of information in this digital age, we should consider whether the social media such as Twitter holds a position equal to people with high status. If so, the narcissist will feel intense humiliation if negative news about them spread in this way. Freud was one of the first to use the term ‘narcissism’ in psychology. He explained narcissism as originating from our primitive emotions (ID, see Table 2.3) and the investment of the self as an important instinctual drive for survival. Growing up, children, and later adults, retain this primary narcissism to various degrees, but some aspects of this drive for survival invests in other persons.

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Karen Horney (Horney, 1950), who saw narcissism more as a personality trait influenced by the early life environment, challenged Freud’s views on narcissism. So, the differences between Freud and Horney could be described as offering a ‘genetics versus environmental’ origin of narcissism. Nevertheless, we can observe the characteristics of narcissism whether they arise from what we are born with (genetics), what we learn from the world around us in early life (environment) or the interplay between them. Attention is always being given to the people who show high levels of narcissism. This is true in psychiatry as much as it is in the wider media. The following narrative shows how a high level of narcissism could be a health threat. It indicates that in order to live a healthy life, the level of narcissism should not be either too high or too low. We might think of this as the Goldilocks Zone for narcissism. Medical staff admitted Frank, a middle-aged man suspected of developing mania, to an emergency psychiatric clinic. He also scored high on the narcissism trait. He claimed to be very academic and refused to talk to anybody with a lower level of education. Even when a highly qualified nurse led his assessment, he felt humiliated, flying into a rage that would have resulted in a physical attack if several health personnel had not intervened. Frank regarded a nurse education as having very low status by his standards and demanded to talk to someone with at least a qualification in psychiatry or psychology. Despite being informed that the nurse had a higher education than the psychologist, he did not agree to talk to her. The highly educated nurse found herself ridiculed and devalued by Frank.

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After Frank’s eventual discharge from the clinic, the nurse learnt that he was still talking about her in a demeaning way to his General Practitioner and, some two years later, she came across him while dining in the same restaurant. The nurse was shocked when Frank approached her table and poured a glass of beer into her lap. The nurse remained professional, kept her friends from reacting and just asked for a napkin to clean herself up. Feeling bound by her professional ethics not to break confidentiality and despite the humiliation she felt in this public space, she chose not to answer questions from her friends about the unknown assailant. She also chose not to involve the police. We can consider people with a high score for the personality trait of narcissism to hold a strong degree of self-esteem. However, as discussed earlier, this self-esteem is fragile and can easily come under attack if such an individual feels humiliated or disrespected as in the case above, where Frank refuses to work with the nurse, someone he considers far beneath him. In contrast, the highly educated nurse chose to break the cycle of violence or revenge that can result from being humiliated. It was not that she felt she deserved the humiliation of his assault but rather that she saw the risk of trading in humiliation. Not everyone can show this personal strength and restraint. Her balanced narcissism saved the day. However, the other extreme of scoring low on narcissism can be very unhealthy and destructive. Such individuals may believe that they deserve to be humiliated. Clinicians should pay more attention to this disruptive and potentially life-threatening state, illustrated in the case of Maria below who felt incapable of challenging the person humiliating her.

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Maria had been in an abusive relationship and felt that she was worth nothing. She developed a severe depression and medical staff admitted her to hospital. She had suicidal intent but was physically too weak to act on these ideas. Maria scored very low on narcissism. The nurses worked therapeutically to strengthen Maria’s positive character traits that she had shown before her selfesteem decreased to a minimum. Her parents and siblings indicated that Maria had coping abilities and a higher self-esteem earlier in her life. The abusive relationship changed everything. She had reached a point where she felt that it was not worth being alive. As Maria’s case shows, the combination of depression, low score on narcissism, and suicidal thoughts with no hope for the future can prove a deadly combination. Normal or healthy narcissism has several aspects. One of them is self-regard or self-evaluation that ensures one’s sense of worth is accurate. Self-concern includes appropriate selfcare such as taking care of one’s health and having an appropriate self-presentation. There is, if you like, a balance to self-worth. It is not abnormal or excessive. To behave in a pleasing and attractive way socially leads to acceptance by other people, social alliances, and strengthens our position in society. To show adequate assertive and aggressive behaviour regarding our rights, or in response to threats, insults, or aggression, is also part of normal narcissism and selfpreservation. Another aspect of normal narcissism is a certain pride in our abilities or endeavours in life, such as having a successful career, finding a partner, building a family, and so on. We allow a certain degree of competitiveness to come into this. We also expect an element of self-respect, a concept

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closely related to dignity, which is a state of being worthy, honoured, or esteemed. A person with this balanced narcissism is seeking a fair exchange in opportunities within the demands and realities of society as a whole. This balanced narcissism is the Goldilocks Zone for best dealing with humiliation. People set too high or too low on narcissism are primed for humiliation and the devastation that this can then bring upon all of us.

2.8. THE SYMPTOMS OF NARCISSISM Narcissism is a normal trait in all of us and is part of maintaining a healthy self-image. As the above narratives have shown, the person scoring high on narcissism does most damage to people around them whilst those scoring low on narcissism do most damage to themselves. Akhtar and Thomson (1982) categorized the symptoms of narcissism into three categories: affective (mood), interpersonal relations, and grandiosity. Some of the listing below are probably traits and not symptoms but provide a rich sense of what narcissism looks like. As explained earlier, traits are part of the personality and more difficult to treat or change compared to symptoms.

2.8.1. Affective Symptoms • Labile feelings of self-esteem. The self-esteem is usually quite high leading to a feeling of entitlement. However, lack of admiration, slights or insults can lead to feelings of extremely low self-esteem. Thus, labile self-esteem, that is, rollercoaster variations between high and low self-worth, is a main affective characteristic of pathological narcissism.

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• Intense shame reactions. Shame is a painful emotion caused by consciousness of guilt, shortcoming, or impropriety. Shame is what we feel when we have failed to live up to our ideals for what constitutes suitable behaviour in both our own eyes and the eyes of others. What is special here is the intensity of such painful emotions. • Arrogance. Arrogance is an attitude of superiority manifested in an overbearing manner or in presumptuous claims or assumptions. • Narcissistic rage. This intense form of anger comprises the need for revenge and an inability to forgive slights. • Intense envy and competitiveness. This feeling is marked by the threatening sense that others are superior. • Feelings of emptiness. This occurs when stimuli and support from other persons are lacking.

2.8.2. Interpersonal Symptoms • Lack of empathy. This is when a person struggles to recognize the desires, subjective experiences, and feelings of others. • Exploitation of others. This is when an individual meets their own needs without factoring in consequences for others. • Idealization and devaluation. Here, an individual treats others as idealized until they disappoint of cause offence at which point they are devalued and the relationship terminated.

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2.8.3. Grandiosity Symptoms • Grandiosity. This is characterized by an excessive sense of self-importance, overestimation of abilities, and inflation of accomplishments. • Feelings of special gifts or abilities. Such feelings are at odds with the person’s accomplishments. • Exhibitionism. This is when an individual loves to show off and displays an excessive need for admiration, confirmation, and support. • Entitlement. The person believes they have special rights over other people. • Preoccupation with prestige, success, and brilliance. This is when a person will strive excessively to get acclaim. Due to lack of empathy people scoring high on the narcissism symptoms will have difficulty recognizing when they are doing harm to other people. Unlike the great majority of us, the narcissist probably uses subconscious psychological defence mechanisms excessively when they feel others are opposing them, or wronging them, in order to maintain their self-esteem.

2.9. OVERT VERSUS COVERT NARCISSISM In essence, it is possible to divide narcissism into overt or covert kinds. Generally, the overt type, with grandiose features of pathological narcissism, gets most attention as opposed to features of the covert type, which are characterized by vulnerability. The overt narcissist, also called the extrovert narcissist, is easy to identify due to explicit presentation of the narcissistic

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symptoms and traits, whilst the covert narcissist, also called the introvert narcissist, can be very hard to spot. Instead of standing out to the world with the confidence and false brilliance of the overt narcissist, the covert narcissist seems to lack confidence, becoming secretly preoccupied with fantasies about themselves (Table 2.4). The next case will illustrate how a person scoring high on narcissism and feeling very much entitled can take matters to a level that results in the loss of a friendship, humiliation, and ongoing conflict.

Table 2.4. Characteristics of Overt and Covert Narcissism. The Overt Narcissist

The Covert Narcissist

(Arrogant Narcissist)

(Shy Narcissist)

Fantasies of outstanding success

Self-doubts but searching for

Multiple and shallow relationships

Unable to depend on and trust

success others Sense of entitlement; feels entitled Chronic envy which often leads to to privileges compared with others

devaluation of the achievements of others

Charming

Shallow or widely spread vocational commitments (dilettantism)

Lack of empathy

Shifts in values depending on situations

Observable sense of uniqueness

Hidden sense of uniqueness

Instability in marriage

Unable to see a partner as an individual in his or her own right

Articulate and knowledgeable

Impaired in capacity to learn new skills

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Matt, a successful businessperson, was planning to celebrate his 30th birthday and had invited a hundred people to the party. The local police found out he intended to hold a firework display and informed him that he would have to apply to the local authority for permission. Although irritated, he went ahead and made an application. However, when the local authority rejected his application, he became angry, calling on a journalist friend he had invited to the party to write a report in the local newspaper questioning the decision. He felt entitled to arrange his party the way he wanted and did not agree with the local regulations. The journalist friend refused to write the story and Matt reacted by cancelling his invitation. Matt then found a freelance journalist who wrote the story. However, this backfired horribly, as his excessive reaction to the decision made him a laughing stock in his local community. Matt revealed to everybody that he felt entitled to do what he liked, regardless of the rules. He continued to ridicule the authorities and threatened to take his business elsewhere. In the end, he moved to another town where he could start from scratch and have the status he felt he was entitled to. Matt exposed himself as a full-blooded overt narcissist, feeling entitled, devaluing an idealized journalist friend and harbouring grandiose ideas about his business, threatening to take it elsewhere. His narcissism left him open to humiliation by his local community for his response to what many would consider a trivial matter. Rita, below, shows the characteristics of a covert narcissist.

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At work, Rita was among several leaders at the same level or rank. She seemed to be withdrawn and shy and preferred to talk to people on a one-to-one basis. She presented as helpful to other people in developing their careers, emphasizing that she was in a position to help them achieve promotion. She was very controlled, accurate and careful when making statements and giving opinions. Her colleagues began to notice that she was prone to criticizing others in subtle ways during conversations. These subtle manipulations and devaluations bred resentment among her colleagues who felt she compromised their core values and so they started to avoid her. Rita began to feel alone, misunderstood, and turned her attention to new colleagues that might give her the admiration she desired. While less intensely or visibly self-focused compared to Matt above, Rita exposed herself to some of her colleagues as a covert narcissist. They recognized her envy when others did a good job or attracted positive feedback. Her subtle devaluations in making other colleagues look bad drove people away from her. To new colleagues, she presented herself as a victim.

2.10. VULNERABILITY TO HUMILIATIONS Our vulnerability to humiliation varies in different stages in life with adolescence or young adulthood being a particularly challenging period. Young people have to cope with the demands of school or college, fitting in, finding friends, developing sexual identity, responding to the pressures to succeed,

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be ‘perfect’ or ‘normal’. During adulthood, self-image is part of our personality structure and relatively stable through life, but for children and adolescents, self-image is still a highly fragile work in progress. As such, they are very vulnerable to humiliation, both in person and on social media. Bullying is a process of humiliation that continues to challenge education systems. It can provoke a level of psychological distress in young people that can result in suicide. The distress caused is clear in the following case. Daniel, a seven-year-old boy, was often alone most of the time in the playground as all the other boys played football without him. He did well at school but not socially during break times. One day his mother could smell something strange from his schoolbag and found sour milk that had ruined many of his schoolbooks. When she asked her son about this he started crying and it turned out that the football enthusiasts bullied him at school. Subtle humiliations seemed to be their thing, such as adding the sour milk to his bag. Daniel also told how he came across a group of boys sitting on the school stairs and was tripped by one of them as he passed by, causing him to fall. When he fell, all the boys who witnessed the event were laughing. The one that had tripped him said in a sarcastic voice that he was sorry, while laughing together with all the others. He suffered many similar, subtle or notso-subtle humiliations at school. Teachers were aware of what happened and they tried to take care of Daniel but the humiliations continued. It was only after getting into university that things changed for the better. His fellow undergraduates appreciated his intellectual skills and he became a

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popular figure. Although Daniel had suffered many difficult years at school, this change of environment and context helped him to cope and live a good life. Some young people who find themselves humiliated or ‘outcast’ among their peers turn to other sources of acceptance within a social setting. Desperately trying to find groups to relate to and be a part of, they seek out extreme sports, join political parties, turn to criminal groups or drug-taking communities in order to be seen, heard and included. Once humiliated, young people may find dysfunctional and negative ways of living their lives. The early experience of humiliation may be the seeding of devastating futures not simply for the affected individual but for wider society and indeed the world.

2.11. HUMILIATION AS SEEDING MENTAL ILLNESS, VIOLENCE, AND TERRORISM Informed by appraisals of unfair treatment, humiliation, like other emotional states, prepares the young person for reaction. The automatic reaction to humiliation is controlled or uncontrolled anger. In response to insulting phenomena, the emotion of humiliation is activated, which is the necessary provocation of violent ideas, urges, and actions. The traumatic state brought by humiliation triggers aggression. Aggression is an adaptive communication that secures necessary advantages rather than simply an antisocial instinct. Therefore, in the case of humiliation, aggression may be a useful self-protective and competitive response. Showing aggression could prevent further loss of status and disempowerment, as well as fighting back against and resisting the

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power of the person humiliating. Anger triggered by humiliation will reduce with a victim’s sense of restored fairness. Some adolescents or young adults who have been humiliated find themselves isolated and alienated from groups that offer belongingness. They long for togetherness with others but seem rejected repeatedly, missing vital, positive social feedback, and support. All this decreases their selfimage to the point that such individuals develop mental health problems and even compensate for a lack of selfesteem by creating an alter ego and building their world according to this private identity they have created. This identity helps them to transcend devastating humiliations by taking a path to revenge. Along the way, some of these young people will commit suicide while others will create long-term plans for avenging what has happened to them. For example, one of the common variables among school killers in the United States is humiliation in their earlier life. Some have described being put down by schoolmates or by a love interest; some of them direct their hatred to peers with a different ethnicity. They can also turn to extremist organizations, aided by the Internet, and rationalize their private humiliations into a bigger context, be it racism, survival of a religious group, or a radical political agenda such as what we find currently in the self-styled Islamic State (IS). These people withdraw from society, sometimes becoming preoccupied with handling guns. Their alter egos comprise a grandiose self-image and their main preoccupation besides secret planning is preparing for some kind of attack. These attacks seem directed at either those who have humiliated them in the past or groups that represent them in some way. The secret planning stage makes them feel special and offers a kind of psychological refuge. They take comfort from imagining what they will do to those who devalued and disrespected them. The planning, for example, of a school

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massacre or other terrible crimes, can go on for years before the individual acts. This planning stage functions as a way to maintain their self-esteem and to develop a high level of narcissism that confirms their entitlement to carry out the crime. The imaginary self-esteem they have built is, of course, fragile and could easily crack at any time. These humiliated people are always on the brink of putting their plans into action as in the following case. Robert was a young man who grew up with his divorced mother. She took care to provide him with the best clothes, confided in him and they became very attached to one another. To people on the outside, the relationship did not appear a healthy one. The mother was very preoccupied with her son being clean and thus Robert never attended games that could make him or his clothes dirty. This led to Robert’s exclusion from his peers at an early age and he only made a few close friends. In puberty he started to rebel, got in with and felt accepted by other disgruntled youth. The police caught him shoplifting and later tagging walls with his own special symbol. He received police warnings for these offences but avoided jail. Eventually, he quit school and started his own business. However, he continued to feel an outsider. He developed a sense of life being about him against all others, having received constant messages from his mother about being very special. He joined a right-wing political party and expected to reach a high level but grew dissatisfied with what the organization achieved. His alter ego as a special person set aside from the population strengthened and so did his sense of entitlement. Unable to deepen relationships with

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others, he turned to the Internet where he found radical movements that seemed to appreciate his opinions. His postings about a new kind of Europe and political rule attracted lots of feedback. His extreme ideas seemed to come from rejections in the past and he felt more and more entitled to do something to change society. He started to plan how to turn politics around through terrorism. Whenever he shared his ideas more locally he met with rejection or ridicule. He continued with his extreme thoughts and secret planning of terrorist acts under cover of his business activity, keeping off the police radar. When this stage of psychological comfort from his dark imagination ended, Robert took action with tragic consequences for many people. The resemblance here between Robert and the Norwegian, right-wing terrorist Anders Behring Breivik, is not coincidental. Breivik’s life story is similar on many points to the narratives of other humiliated narcissists and we offer a possible explanation, although not full one, of the rather damaged personality of a terrorist. After blowing up a governmental building where eight people were killed and at least 209 people injured, some of these severely, Breivik disguised himself as a police officer and went on to an island where young people held their yearly political gathering and killed 69 of them, many under the age of 18 years. A further 110 were injured, 55 seriously, and will bear the scars for the rest of their lives. Once captured, two different teams of psychiatric experts reached different conclusions on a diagnosis for Breivik as having a paranoid, schizophrenic disorder (a severe mental illness subject to psychosis) or narcissistic personality disorder (not subject to psychosis). The first diagnosis would have supported placing him in a treatment hospital with high

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security while the second would lead to imprisonment in a high security prison. The court decided on imprisonment but the trial raised many debates on the nature of delusions and psychosis, and this remains a hot topic for psychiatry in Norway and worldwide. Other extremists develop their radical ideas in a more social way by searching for groups that accept them. If individuals perceive a systematic rejection of who they are, where they come from, their culture or religion, some of them will seek out groups that are hostile to the existing society or ‘establishment’. They will seek political or religious groups with whom they can share their humiliating experiences and seek solidarity in an ‘us’ versus ‘them’ vision of the world. If these groups adopt violence as a tool to fight for what they believe in, then humiliated and highly narcissistic individuals will find a deadly outlet. The following characteristics tend to mark the path of individuals from humiliation to violence, possibly terrorism: • being male; • unloved or marked as ‘special’ in childhood; • humiliated by others; • history of cruelty to animals/insects; • struggling to ‘fit in’ with others socially; • developing a profound sense of being special; • low self-esteem but faking strong self-esteem; • dropping-out from school; • minor criminal activities; • trying to get involved in different groups to find acceptance;

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• rejection from different groups; • finding extreme or dangerous groups to join; • self-esteem inflated through extreme group/Internet acceptance; • growing sense of entitlement to define the world/situations; • feeling comforted in the secrecy of future actions; • developing an ‘us versus them’ mentality; • transforming earlier humiliation into group philosophy and aims; • planning a secret mission/being one of a ‘chosen few’; and • perceiving religious value or reward in the action. Terrorist acts across the world are on our minds these days, not least those inspired by so-called IS. There is great concern about the proliferation of terrorists, not least how young Muslims are radicalized to commit atrocious acts of violence across nation borders. Although terror attacks are currently more common in Arab countries, compared to the United States or Europe, the recent swathe of attacks on the Western World has attracted increasing media coverage. People are asking many questions about the phenomenon. What are the causes of terrorism? How do we prevent it? One of the striking features of terrorism appears to be how individuals who choose this track have experienced humiliation and perceived themselves or those they value to have been humiliated. This can be when certain groups are devalued, considered inferior or politically and economically excluded. For example, significant numbers of terrorists have emerged in poor areas of major cities, such as Brussels, where large Muslim populations with similar religious convictions and core values may feel excluded from the wider society. We

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may consider an unjust distribution of work, housing, and other resources in those areas as a kind of social or group humiliation. In contrast to surrounding populations, Muslims in such deprived enclaves may feel as if they live in a parallel universe with dwindling hope of a better life. In these circumstances, there will be individuals who feel driven or entitled to plan and carry out terrorist acts, avenge perceived humiliation, punish the country in which they are living, and denounce its values. A majority of these terrorists will have had minor trouble with the police before going to fight on their home turf or in Syria and Iraq. Such events may be key in such individuals feeling humiliated and thus primed for reaction. Social media from IS, for example, target such disaffected and alienated youth, using advertising techniques with colourful images and hypnotic music that ‘offers’ anonymous status through wearing hoods and covering faces to avenge perceived personal injustice and humiliation. Some of these self-appointed warriors maintain their affiliation with IS on return to their home countries, and we have seen the deadly result in Paris and elsewhere. However, we may also wonder how many of those returning fighters have had their dream of revenge sobered and de-radicalized by the realities of IS-led death. The recruiting process to extremist groups is not very different from how some religious groups recruit people on the streets of big cities, for example, in Europe. Extremist groups look for young people who seem to be on their own or vulnerable, invite them to their meetings, and socialize them into a particular conception of a ‘meaningful life’. While this kind of activity in religious and extremist contexts is often considered ‘brainwashing’, religious groups may argue that this approach is legitimate as they are trying to enhance rather than destroy lives. Regardless,

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extremist groups offer validation and a stronger sense of belonging to young, lonely, or vulnerable individuals. Those who have felt disrespected in some way are ripe for this kind of attention, and we urgently need to understand how humiliation can lead to extremist groups satisfying what is missing in their lives. An unanswered question is whether individuals seek to find an organization that fits them or if the organizations make their PR campaigns to find vulnerable young people who fit their goal of using them for terrorist acts.

2.12. VULNERABILITY AND ENTITLEMENT Those young people who have been radicalized in extremist groups such as IS begin to value religious and political ideas more highly than preserving human life. Importantly, they view themselves as higher, more entitled, and special than other human beings. They inflate their status in contrast to an earlier, perhaps disadvantaged or humiliated sense of self. This infatuation with the notion of a higher self enables these vulnerable individuals to destroy the lives of others and even themselves in suicide attacks in the deluded expectation of a great afterlife. If we remain compassionate and empathic in the face of such atrocity, we can see a double tragedy and victimhood that occur in such events. We need to take more seriously the vulnerability of young people who feel humiliated. Such individuals are primed for developing an exaggerated or inflated sense of entitlement and seek the psychological refuge of extreme religious or political movements. In short, vulnerability is potentially lethal and humiliating young people may be the worst of triggers for violence and terrorism.

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2.13. HUMILIATION ON BEHALF OF OTHERS Of course, the humiliation that drives a young, vulnerable person into the arms of terrorists may not just come from a sense of personal ‘bringing down’ through what is perceived as a public disrespect or slur against them; it may also come from a sense that one’s inner beliefs and values have been devalued. In other words, young people may feel humiliated on behalf of others or a group or mission that they affiliate with or belong to for example, a religion, political party, or even a gang. However, as with a personal attack or humiliation, humiliation on behalf of others does not necessarily lead to violence. Luckily, the vast majority of individuals choose to reverse or do something about the humiliation in non-violent ways. They may commit themselves to lawful and constructive actions that challenge, counter, or neutralize humiliations. In the next chapter of the book, we discuss how humiliations can be countered or dealt with in positive ways.

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CHAPTER 3 HEALING, NEUTRALIZING, AND PREVENTING HUMILIATION

We have described the nature of humiliation and its devastating impacts on the cognitive and emotional states of individuals. Even if most of the time humiliation breeds long-lasting injury to humans, fortunately some people cope with it and find constructive responses. Much depends on how we react. There will be different reactions based on our vulnerability at the time, self-esteem, level of narcissism, core values, ability to analyze the event in a clear way and the opportunity to discuss with others how best to respond. Are we vengeful? Are we introvert or extrovert? Will we respond in ways coherent with the values we have chosen to live by as in the case of Sandra below? Sandra was an athlete and received many comments on her achievements in social media. Occasionally she also got photos from men wanting to get to know her better. She always answered politely and had nothing but good intention towards those who made contact. The positive side of this changed 73

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when Sandra began to receive images of genitals from male followers. The senders quickly deleted the images after viewing. Sandra felt shocked, disgusted and degraded. As a feminist, she felt that the images undermined her womanhood, but she was also cognitively able to separate herself from the photos sent to her. She challenged the men sending the images and a minority returned apologies or excuses while others made further abusive comments. At this point, she decided to act and took quick snapshots of the images before the sender deleted them. She then forwarded the images to the sender’s networks. Sandra resisted humiliation served by the obscene images and took direct action. She pushed back in a way that made transparent the private and degrading communications of some of her male followers. Similarly, Mona below took action in a different way, transcending a slur on her ability by proving her capability. Mona brought a crochet pattern to a craft store to buy yarn for the project she was about to do. The pattern was quite complicated. The shop worker took one look at Mona with her urban clothing and high heels and decided she would be unlikely to manage such a project. She told her, ‘This is quite complicated. Would you like to try something easier?’ Mona felt angry at this put-down but managed to keep silent and dignified. She just pointed out the yarn she required, paid and left the shop. She had wanted to find another store to purchase the item, one that showed more respect, but she made a conscious decision that the demands on her time were more important.

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On reflection, Mona realized that the shop worker’s comment had spurred her on to complete the ‘complicated’ project in record time. She entertained the idea of returning to the shop to show her work but decided to rise above the incident. She gained an insight into how to turn humiliation into something positive. In the following case, Pete found a similarly positive outcome to humiliation: Pete was the victim of school bullying over many years. His parents and the teachers knew the bullying was going on but struggled to stop it. In the end, they arranged for Pete to get a fresh start in a new school. The move went well. Pete loved the new school. A psychologist offered to see him and work through what had happened at the old school but Pete refused to accept therapy. At 10 years of age, he told a friend, ‘Why are they sending me to therapy? I did not do anything. I feel good now and I know that I will make it in life. They should have sent the bullies to therapy!’ Here Pete objected to needing therapy as it compounded his humiliation and positioned him as having a problem. He wisely identified the bullies in greater need of treatment. Pete’s view is a useful reminder that offering help in the form of therapy can exacerbate or compound humiliation. Pete’s clarity and hard-won sense of self as more psychologically healthy than the bullies are positive outcomes of his experience. Let us now turn our attention to the key ways of neutralizing humiliation through empathy, compassion, and apology, creating systems that avoid it and developing a toolbox that may help those humiliated to recover from the trauma.

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3.1. EMPATHY In order to identify when people are humiliated, we need to use our empathic resources. Empathy is different from sympathy. Empathy is the feeling that you understand and share another person’s experiences and emotions. Sympathy is merely sharing another person’s feelings. Understanding is the key point of empathy; we recognize the feelings of another person but we go further. We extend beyond emotions and analyze how we can understand the feelings of the other person. In the following example, Ruth demonstrates and acts on the sympathy she feels. Ruth passed a begging woman who was sitting on the pavement in front of the grocery store. The begging woman seemed to be crying. Ruth went inside to buy a coffee and gave it to her, showing in her manner and words that she felt compassion and wanted to offer comfort. It is admirable to display sympathy and compassion, yet it is possible to score high on these but low on empathy. In the next example, Kevin ‘goes further’, showing empathy by opening a conversation that could help him better understand the woman’s situation and perhaps share some new ways to approach her challenges. Unlike Ruth, Kevin bought two cups of coffee and sat down with the begging woman. He talked with her, saying, ‘I could not help but notice that you seem very sad. It must be hard being homeless. Would you like me to join you for a while? I don’t know if I can help you but I am ready to listen.’ Kevin’s response goes deeper and is more empathically committed than Ruth’s gesture. His compassionate mentality

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seeks to minimize the humiliation likely felt by the homeless person. He signals that the woman is worth more than a coffee or a sandwich. She is worth shared conversation, the ritual of drinking together, and a genuine attempt to explore ways to help.

3.2. NEUTRALIZING HUMILIATIONS It is in everybody’s power to make life better for our fellow human beings by remaining alert to the potential for humiliation and striving for empathic, compassionate communication, and actions. Certainly, given the devastating character of humiliation to individuals, groups, organizations, and even nations, we urgently need to avoid or minimize such negative communication. Although we might consider fellow humans as our equals, deserving respect and dignity it is all too easy to compromise this vision. In interpersonal disputes or conflicts, or after humiliation has been perceived, an apology can play a huge role in neutralizing the slight, hurt, or devaluation. During the recent conflict in Syria, Turkey shot down a Russian plane. Both sides blamed each other with claims and counter-claims on where the plane had been flying in relation to the border. Both the Russian and Turkish leaders seemed to perceive humiliation, each side accused of lying about the incident. However, later, newspapers reported that the diplomatic freeze between Russia and Turkey had melted and that the two leaders were friendly again. They published a picture of Putin and Erdogan shaking hands. What happened? Both leaders had been hostile to each other for more than a year. Now, they suddenly appeared in public as friends. When reading the story, the answer quickly becomes clear. The Turkish President had offered his apology for the incident

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and the Russian leader accepted it. This story shows both the power of humiliation in creating conflicts alongside the power of an apology to bring peace and harmony however fragile. Lazare notes that this power of an apology is just as influential in more everyday settings, as in the case of Brenda, below: Brenda had microsurgery on her eyes. Something went wrong during the operation and the surgeon told her that she needed another procedure. The surgeon apologized for the mistake during the operation. He did not blame other practitioners, technical equipment or himself but he seemed to be very sorry that Brenda needed a second surgery. Brenda understood that microsurgery is complicated and that sometimes things can go wrong. Due to the surgeon not trying to excuse or blame someone else and the heartfelt apology, Brenda retained confidence in the surgeon. She trusted him enough to undergo another operation. She had no thoughts of requesting a different surgeon or taking up a lawsuit for negligence. Yet, without the apology, she may well have done so.

3.3. HUMAN DIGNITY, POWER BALANCE, STATUS RANK, AND COMPASSION It is unfortunate that humans are always keen to rank other people. This practice is endemic in most societies and a challenge for us in terms of reducing humiliation. Low-ranking other people on the grounds of their race, culture, occupation, religion, philosophy, political affiliation, celebrity, or the amount of values or money they have promotes

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humiliation. The Universal Declaration of Human Rights states that all humans are born equal and should have the same opportunity for a dignified life, free from torture and entitled to freedom. People take a big step towards humiliating others by ranking them higher or lower in status. Such behaviour can be particularly casual and unthinking. Importantly, it can prove highly damaging, marking some people as more deserving than others of our attention, respect, or compassion. By having a higher status in society for some people, for example, doctors or judges, we consign the great majority of any population to a lower status. In other words, we have built societies that confirm and maintain the ranking and valuation of others. Pecking orders are set up and deeply embedded. In this passion for celebrating ‘high status’ and ‘high rank’, we encourage the process of humiliation and invalidation of fellow humans. As Walter Torres and Bergner put it: ‘The loss of standing to claim status within a community is the equivalent of being rendered a nobody.’ Imagine a teacher who arrogantly claims that the students in her class have so little knowledge that they are unable to understand her teaching. We can anticipate that in this teacher’s classroom, students will be devalued. The classroom would be a fearful environment, where low-ranking students were subject to humiliation from the teacher for their lack of knowledge. We might see a similar ranking going on in other contexts. For example, we may witness a taxi driver ignoring a black person standing first in line in the queue, and instead picking up a white person. A nurse manager may decide that a patient who has self-harmed should wait longer before gaining a hospital bed. A new employee might be disadvantaged in promotion opportunities because it is rumoured she had once been a prostitute. In all such decisions, what kind of communities are we creating? We can choose not to do

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this, of course. We can decide to remain compassionate for people who have not been so fortunate in life or have been marked as having ‘low’ status.

3.4. CHALLENGING THE FREEDOM TO HUMILIATE OTHERS There is an ongoing debate about the freedom to criticize others, whether justified or not. Although freedom of speech is a fundamental human right, this does not support humiliating others in speech or writing. Clearly, we need to achieve a balance between competing rights. We know the power of words is such that we should exercise great care about their potential for negative impacts. The legal systems and values of different countries place a variety of limitations on what should or should not be spoken or written in public. Most countries have laws to protect individuals from harassment, discrimination or hate crimes and place certain responsibilities and limitations on freedom of speech. These laws, for example, may seek to counter racist or other offensive language and views. Yet we may also ask whether ever-refined laws on what can and cannot be said or written are for the best. On the one hand, this may protect individuals from humiliation but a dilemma also emerges. If we outlaw or reject the voicing of certain opinions that are objectionable to mainstream society, this could lead to harmful groups working in a hidden way and beyond influence. In this sense, it may be sensible to follow Voltaire’s epithet (rewritten by Hall, 1906): ‘I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it.’ In the end, it will be very hard, perhaps impossible, to make sets of rules to prohibit all kinds of objectionable remarks beyond those that explicitly provoke criminal actions. Perhaps, we should give more emphasis and encouragement to

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non-legalistic rejoinders to speech and writing that offend or humiliate as in the case of Fatima below. Fatima, a young Muslim woman, read a blog stating that her religion prevented women to be part of decision-making in families and in societies. She chose not to feel humiliated herself or on behalf of her religion. Her reaction was more like a surprise at how ignorant people try to spread false and misleading statements. She replied on the blogsite and started a discussion. Fatima intervened to challenge the factuality of the statement. A journalist read the blog and her response and got behind a full discussion of the issues in newspaper and TV debates. Fatima’s response opened a national conversation contesting the facts. This is an example of how one woman stood up for herself and the views of the group she belonged to, starting a major debate. A different response to the blog was evident from Zainab, another young Muslim woman: Zainab reacted with humiliation to the blog statement, becoming increasingly angry. She could only focus on the comments posted from antireligious followers and did not give the words of the other statements supporting her religion and way of life any value in the debate. Zainab divided people into two groups, those who agreed with her views and those who did not. She was also angry with those who did not choose either extreme and kept silent. She rejected their position, commenting, ‘Those who are not with us are against us.’ Challenging offensive put-downs in a non-humiliating way, as with Fatima above, will always be part of neutralizing

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humiliations. Unlike Fatima, Zainab’s approach appears more likely to spread rather than curtail humiliation. In the era of digital revolution, at a time when millions of people within seconds can read or hear what we say, we need to acknowledge the moral responsibilities in freedom of speech. The potential for humiliating words to damage others has never been greater. Broadly speaking, there is a consensus that laws should regulate those who motivate others to engage in violence, terrorism, or other criminal activities. Yet, it will always be difficult to determine criminal intention behind objectionable philosophical or political views. Clearly, we will need to continue in a calm and assertive way to police the boundary between speaking freely and humiliating others. This activity will require a lot of energy. It will need people to keep challenging what has become commonplace in human communications. Journalists and bloggers, along with the rest of us, should avoid the humiliation of others by being more aware of the damage words can do. We should think of words as potentially ‘paper’ or ‘digital’ bullets. In this sense, an emotional restraint to descriptions and accusations would be welcome, a much-needed switch from the excessive and aggressive dramatization of human failure. Instead of dramatic, global demolitions of the identities and self-esteem of individuals or groups of people, we might then see a return to more objective, factual news. It is not fake news that is frightening so much as the loss of will to oppose it. Fake news is the friend of humiliation and those who wish to hurt and bring others down.

3.5. REVISITING CASES OF HUMILIATION In this section, we revisit and reflect on a selection of the earlier cases of observed humiliation and offer some practical suggestions and strategies for individuals, or those who care

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for them, to avoid, neutralize, or respond more positively to put-downs. We hope that these reflections, with brief action points, may prove useful for anyone needing to recover selfidentity, self-esteem, and control after humiliating events. We hope such individuals take every opportunity to escape a life of shame or worse. Case 1: Steph (see p. 9) Recap: Steph contracted chlamydia from her former boyfriend at school who spread lies about her part in this on social media with devastating effect. The humiliating comments caused her to withdraw and become isolated. She experienced overwhelming shame, feeling unable to do anything to reverse the damage to her reputation. We may ask: What action might nullify or neutralize such lies? How could Steph be empowered to take back control of her own life and narrative? Doing nothing would be harmful to Steph and allow the young man to continue humiliating others. Yet many people consider it difficult or impossible to fight back against such an abstract and diffuse force as social media. It is worth remembering, however, that just as words can spread widely on social media and potentially can destroy a person, they can also be a means of bringing about healing. Quite possibly, Steph’s best bet for stabilizing her own sense of self might lie in taking the risk of no-nonsense or matter-of-fact spoken or written responses to the lies. This strategy may afford Steph a ‘final word’ on the matter and help her regain some control, even at the risk of provoking further negative comments or posts. This might be done through asking the school to mediate or sanction such behaviour through its disciplinary procedures; or informally, if feasible, by notifying the young man’s parents or posting ‘her story’ on social media to notify others

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to be wary. She might try to appeal to the largest crowd on the Internet, those who keep quiet but do not agree with such behaviour, to stand up for her position. Similarly, addressing her local community of peers, she could ask them to show solidarity and spend time with her at school, promising that she would do the same for them in similar situations. With support from family and friends, the incident might transform into an opportunity for Steph to learn how to take control of her own life, become more independent, ride through painful challenges and avoid high-risk responses such as revenge. Action Points: Ask for help and advice from others (e.g. family, friends, GP, school counsellor, teacher) and seek immediate help if feeling depressed or suicidal so your risk can be assessed. • Discuss openly the severity of the situation, level of threat, and social isolation experienced. • Suppress emotions like revenge and the urge to devalue the person/s who has/have humiliated you. • Do act and respond: Formally, consider alerting the school authority, informing the other party’s parents, and taking legal advice if necessary; Informally, on social media, tell your story in a short, factual way, appealing to the quiet majority who are reading without direct involvement (‘lurkers’) to stand up for injustice. Convey that there is no more to say or discuss on the matter. Do discuss the event and your response with family and friends, letting them know what is important in your life and what you think you have learned from dealing with the

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challenge. With their help, you will be able to reflect with pride on mature, appropriate actions. • Allow yourself to be angry due to the injustice but do not allow the injustice to ruin your precious life. Anger is healing because it helps to put the blame where it is supposed to be and transform the shame into pride that you gained control over the humiliation. Case 2: Susan (see p. 10) Recap: At work, Susan was experiencing devaluations of her ideas first by a peer worker and then a senior colleague. She felt ignored and overlooked. This led to her losing confidence in herself. When companies or institutions fail to develop a culture that encourages the innovative ideas of employees, they may lose key members of the workforce and miss opportunities to enhance or improve performance. There are several reasons behind devaluing creative employees. Some leaders and employees fear change and the risk of failure, preferring the predictable status quo. Others are either jealous of those who come up with good ideas or simply unwilling to put in the extra graft required to get those new ideas into practice or reality, while others may reject anything that does not arise from their genius selves and for which they can claim credit. Some leaders and co-workers, of course, value new ideas and give proper and respectful feedback on the feasibility of any implementation. Susan found herself silenced before her innovative idea could reach an executive level. She may have fared better in asking for an open meeting with the wider team to discuss her new idea rather than seeding it with one individual coworker. Even if the wider team decided it was not a feasible idea, she would be more likely to gain a range of feedback

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and then potentially be able to make adjustments to come back with a stronger proposition. This process may have been more encouraging. Alternatively, she could have checked out her idea with a member of the executive team first to see if the idea was worth pursuing. With executive backing, Susan would be more likely to find colleagues enjoining and supporting the project. Often, a person resigns after multiple ‘knock-backs’ to ideas and perhaps Susan had reached a point of fatigue such that this most recent attempt was the final straw, provoking retirement. For people in similar situations, when feeling overlooked or invisible, it is important to act at an earlier stage, long before fatigue sets it. Action Points: • Don’t agree to be invisible at work. • Do something to increase wider communication of new ideas in development. • Emphasize the provisional nature of the proposed project. • View any proposed project as separate to your core identity and status • Challenge your own dependency on other people’s views of you and your worth. • Be alert to a sense of fatigue and act early rather than drifting along. Consider other personal challenges that might be impacting on fatigue. • Tune in to power strategies and games around you and even possibly against you. Plan your way forward through these by a discussion with a trusted coach or advisor offsite. • Give your energy and time to those who genuinely talk up your work.

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• Share your talents but claim credit for ideas that are yours. • Share your ideas when leaders who make the big decisions are present. • Stretch your shoulders up and back a little before you share ideas in meetings (a reminder to yourself that you are worth listening to). • Let the quality of your projects and ideas speak for you but don’t let projects own you and your emotions. Case 3: Jane (see p. 11) Recap: Sometimes we are not able to stand up for ourselves as shown in the story of Jane with Alzheimer’s disease, living in an unhomely and humiliating nursing home. It is not comfortable to imagine being dependent on other people for intimate activities like showering or going to the toilet. When we do, it is likely that we wince at the thought. For people living with Alzheimer’s such events can prove stressful and confusing, with helpers seeming more like intruders who will not leave you alone. Such experiences can prove humiliating, as in the case of Jane being ‘toileted’ with the door left open. For the person concerned, such events may trigger memories of earlier experiences of humiliation and lead to anxiety. Of course, if an individual, as in this dilemma, is incapable of flight, we can expect or predict that they may fight instead. Reports from nurses and doctors working in older adult care confirm that disrespectful behaviour such as that suffered by Jane is likely to activate anger in their patients or, if not anger, lead to them simply succumbing to the power over them, eventually just giving up and ‘fading away’. The ‘helpers’ taking Jane to the toilet have switched off their recognition of her as a person in her own right. She has become

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a ‘thing’ to move about and process. More humane health personnel would treat her as they would wish to be treated themselves, learning from Jane and her family about the life she lived before the disease struck and shaping their efforts to her likes and dislikes so as to avoid humiliation. From taking on board a person’s life story and their preferences, health personnel can plan individual care and create a better quality of life despite the memory failure. Importantly, this more generous approach can provide health personnel with deeper engagement and pride in their work and make them feel good too a kind of mutual recovery. After all, there can be little pride or well-being to gain by moving a person around like a bag of potatoes. It is also a myth that the easiest and fastest way to care for older adults living with dementia is to rush showering, toileting, feeding, and all the other so-called basic daily routines. Time spent on these routines could actually decrease if health personnel acted in a respectful manner because rushing tasks with people who are confused or anxious can provoke conflict something that takes effort and time to resolve. Both skilled health personnel and family carers will develop rituals tailored to each person living with dementia, learning the best way to assess their needs, communicate with them, get them through the day, and soothe distress. There are modest strategies that can reduce the possibility of humiliating people living with dementia. For example, slow down your movements and ensure you are visible when approaching them. Lower your voice and gently explain tasks that need carrying out without using demeaning ‘baby talk’. Keep a special selection of music to hand or talk about things of interest to the person, such as grandchildren, when they are agitated. Apologize profusely when doing anything that might be intrusive and embarrassing, such as toileting or undressing. Importantly, take time to engage in shared creative moments such as singing or dancing a little to entertain, jolly, and bring light relief.

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The actions and resources to avoid humiliation for persons suffering from Alzheimer’s disease or other states where they are unable to speak for themselves lie with those around them, first of all, the health personnel but also family and friends. Action Points: • Leaders in nursing homes and family carers need to be role models in speech and actions to ensure that all employees and other family members act in a respectful manner to the person living with dementia. • Maintaining human dignity and avoiding humiliation should be given the highest priority in training health personnel and advising family carers, especially in relation to intimate care such as washing, toileting, dressing, and so on. • Design personalized care by identifying the preferences of the person living with dementia or similar disabling conditions. • Gather key information about what pleases the person living with dementia and use this information to build a comforting environment. • Home and care environments with options for creative activities during the day can help reduce boredom and anxiety. Case 4: Winona (see p. 12) Recap: Winona felt that she had given up a life of her own to take care of children and felt humiliated when her husband divorced her and married a highly educated, younger woman. Winona fell apart after the divorce. She felt too old to establish a new life for herself. Although she presented her emotions as bitterness and perhaps fatigue, others, observing from outside of

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the family, would perhaps define her as held back by her husband in order for him to climb to the top in his career. Some would also say that Winona had been humiliated in her domestic role, causing her to feel worthless, ashamed, and lacking in coping skills. As shown earlier in Figure 1.1, this pattern tends to be common for women in abusive relations. The transformation of long-standing humiliation or degradation into shame is easy to spot, especially with her ex-husband marrying a woman who seemed to be everything Winona had hoped to become. At 54 years of age, her options are perhaps more limited, but still Winona could find a meaningful life and develop or bring to bear the coping skills from earlier in her life when she had a higher level of self-worth. Action Points: • Accept what cannot be changed in order to decrease the bitterness. • Identify personal strengths and also former wishes for life. • Explore opportunities for satisfying some of those wishes now, in the near future and longer term. • Seek help from employment, business, education, or charitable agencies to assist in developing independent work status or profile. • Look around, give more time to existing and new friendships and explore how original ideas of a good life can be revisited in new and creative ways. • Take control and find out what financial and other resources can be claimed after divorce. • Try to come to terms with the new life and reflect upon future possibilities instead of what could have been if the past was different.

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Case 5: Brian (see p. 14) Recap: Brian, an architect student, suffered multiple humiliations when his mentor stole his design, won prizes for the project and denied Brian credit for his work. Brian struggled to deal with the power exerted over him by his professor who had no qualms about stealing and presenting his work as his own. Brian feared retaliation if he went public on the matter and, in the end, chose not to destroy the reputation of the professor who had violated him without showing any remorse. In effect, Brian showed empathy with his violator, which is one of the main reasons that people get away with humiliating others. ‘Could Brian have reacted differently and neutralized the humiliation? To do so, he would have had to break with his core value of not hurting others. At first face, this is admirable, yet by choosing not to hurt his professor, Brian hurts himself and possibly other students in similar situations in the future. Every university has an ethics committee, and the best option for Brian would probably have been to present the ethical dilemma to this body. In this way, he could pass any agency for ‘hurt’ to those ruling on the matter, retaining his core values, and best protect himself against informal retaliation by settling his complaint at a formal level. Action Points: • It is reasonable to protect one’s own property, intellectual, or otherwise. • Be proactive on ownership of any academic work, becoming familiar with standards that govern supervision or shared work in the university or other sectors. • Informally request an explanation for unacknowledged use of personal work.

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• If this brings an unsatisfactory response, raise the issue with the professor’s line manager or directly with any relevant ethics committee. • Reserve the right to go public or notify the award-giving body of the offence but in the knowledge that this may have an unforeseen impact on all parties involved such as legal action. • Reflect upon the values we want to live by in order to make peace with the past but also stand up for oneself in the present. Case 6: Jerry (see p. 15) Recap: Jerry was a fearful, isolated young man who shunned contact with the world around him. His possession of a handgun for self-protection during a psychotic episode led to police forcibly removing him to a place of safety. Jerry developed distrust in both the police and health personnel. He never really understood what he had done wrong and did not interpret going outside with a gun as significant. Being in a psychotic state made the situation very difficult and unpredictable for all concerned, not least the police. Having a gun is serious and the police had to take all possible precautions as described. However, could things have been different? We know that people in a psychotic state tend to be violent when they are terrified. The police car coming out of nowhere to apprehend Jerry must have raised the stakes of a violent response. Would it have been possible to plan for a smoother, less conflictual admission process without the humiliation Jerry experienced? Could he have been encouraged and prepared for admission to hospital by experienced mental health workers? Such decisions are never easy, but

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with a less dramatic removal, Jerry may have preserved trust in the police and ambulance personnel. This could have been a positive factor in resolving any further relapses in his condition. It does seem that in his case, Jerry received the least creative, most humiliating intervention. Action Points: • Relevant authorities need to consider alternative ways to offer treatment. • Provide information about treatment options and allow the person, where possible, to gain some control of their situation. • Consider the use of home treatment. • Establish trust by being truthful and providing clear, necessary information about arrangements for transferring to the hospital. • Seek cooperation with family and, if needed, offer education about mental illness and how best to support people vulnerable to psychosis or other serious mental health issues. • Keep in mind that escalation of conflict is mostly rooted in the fear experienced by the person who suffers a psychosis; reducing triggers that provoke fear is key. • Show respect for the person even when physical restraint is necessary. Clear, repeated and compassionate explanations for the restraint should be offered as this may be remembered by the individual at a later point. • Creative, de-escalation strategies should be in place and ready to be implemented by trained professionals to

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minimize the possibility of humiliating those with serious mental health issues at crisis or flash points such as involuntary transfers to hospital. • When the psychosis resolves, make plans for eventual future necessary admissions to the hospital together with the patient shared decision-making. Case 7: Thomas (see p. 17) Recap: Employers had offered a part-time role for Thomas, a nurse, on retirement. His relief at still being wanted and having purpose soon turned to disappointment when the hospital did not follow through on its promise. Thomas would have adapted to life in retirement more easily had the speech at his leaving party not led him to believe that he could take up part-time work for one day a week. He felt betrayed when nobody contacted him and even more hurt and humiliated when his follow-up call drew a cold statement that there were no vacancies. This left Thomas disillusioned and humiliated because it seemed as if all the work he had done for so many years meant nothing. It challenged his self-identity. Who was he now, if his work was so easily set aside? His life was his work and his work was his life. How should he adjust to the retirement world after being let down in this way? The story of Thomas is a reminder not to make empty promises to sweeten retirement or other challenging transitions in role as this can undermine a person’s core identity. Great sensitivity and thoughtfulness are required at these times to support the individual in adjusting to new opportunities for purpose in life. Importantly, people nearing retirement or facing changed conditions at work need to be proactive in exploring meaningful, alternative activities that

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can uphold or scaffold their self-esteem and avoid being vulnerable to the potential humiliation in lost status or influence. This is something that thoughtful employers will address through pre-retirement schemes and advice. Individuals themselves also need to best prepare for such major transitions and respond in flexible ways to protect against loss of self-esteem. Action Points: • Employers should never make empty promises to sweeten retirement or other challenging transitions in role; they should also demonstrate sensitivity and thoughtfulness in supporting the individual to adjust. • Employees should proactively consider alternative roles, activities, and purpose in retirement well in advance that satisfy their needs for meaningful involvement and status; this should also apply to those who may be facing changed work conditions. • It is healthier psychologically to place more emphasis on who we are now and not who or even what we once were; if we insist on being viewed for our past identity or role, we may leave ourselves open to any number of slights and humiliations as others fail to recognize the old markers of status. • Employers and employees should work together to improve the quality of support for those approaching transition such as retirement. • Employers should consider the value of alumni communications and events that provide an ongoing social connection with the workplace.

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Case 8: Samantha (see p. 19) Recap: Teenager Samantha had a photo taken of her naked body whilst using the shower at school. She felt humiliated and isolated when another student shared it on social media. Samantha is not alone in experiencing being humiliated on social media. In the current climate, young people need to take more responsibility for themselves and others to avoid catastrophic damage. In Samantha’s case, the exposure of her naked body provoked suicidal thoughts and resulted in a long period of therapy for depression. Many others have taken their own lives in similar circumstances. The most devastating emotion is having no control over what is happening. A person in this situation will struggle to restore self-esteem and begin to take charge again of their lives. Stories of young people who have found positive ways to react and take back control are of the utmost importance. They can show others who have faced humiliation that they are not without options to strike back. This may include engaging with school leaders or even police authorities so that those spreading the photos face disciplinary and possibly legal action; informing about this action on social media; notifying directly, possibly with the help of family or friends, the parents of children who are known to have shared such images. Action Points: • Due to the possible danger of suicide or suicide attempts in these situations, serious evaluation of suicidal risk must be done by a GP, psychiatrist, or psychologist. • Inform a trusted person (parents, close friends, health personnel, or teachers) and seek guidance. It is important not to hide away.

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• Write down the key facts known about the shared media, who was involved, dates, and times. Discuss with the trusted person the severity of the situation and the emotional impact. If serious in nature, discuss action that can be taken with school or college leadership, police authorities, or a legal adviser. • Request general counselling support to help work through the emotional issues and gain a balanced perspective on the event. This may be important if the event has led to time away from school or college. • Remember that social media forgets fast and what is news today is rarely of great interest after a day or two. • Increase your focus on aspects of yourself other than body image. • Allow yourself to be angry due to the injustice but do not allow injustice to ruin your precious life. Anger is healing because it helps to put the blame where it is supposed to be. Shame can then be replaced by the fact that you have put humiliation into perspective and restored control. Case 9: Preston (see p. 20) Recap: When joining his school football team, Preston felt excluded and ignored by the other players and put this down to his reputation for studying. Despite being a good football player, Preston appears here to lose out because the other children failed to identify with him in a cultural sense. He was not like them. He focused more on his studies than they did. The emotional part of Preston’s brain took over and suppressed his ability to think clearly and creatively about the perceived humiliation. While he felt unjustly treated and this impacted negatively on his self-

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esteem and led to withdrawal from football, Preston did not have to give up other kinds of physical activity which may have offered a more inclusive and satisfying involvement. Nor did he consider discussing the exclusion with the football trainer who may have been able to help. Action Points: • Share experiences with a trusted person such as family, friends, or teachers. Listen to their advice and determine a balanced response. • If helping someone in this position, encourage their use of intellectual resources to explore creative solutions. • Consider the priority that a particular sports team has for the person and explore options to either face the challenge within the team (with support), find a team in the chosen sport which is more inclusive in its culture, or identify another team sport which is less rigid or socially competitive. • The person should be encouraged to view the exclusion as unfair and to respond in a way that retains control while avoiding transforming humiliation into shame and social isolation. • Communicate hope for the future what is important at this age might not be as important in 10 years’ time. Case 10: Julie (see p. 23) Recap: Julie was at risk of developing an eating disorder due to her vulnerable state. A boy she liked made a negative comment about ‘fat girls’. She thought he was talking about her. Young people can be particularly self-conscious. Negative remarks about their bodies can easily undermine their identities.

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At a time when social media reinforces preferred or celebrated body shape and looks, young people can feel under pressure to comply by focusing excessively on self-presentation to meet any prevailing ‘standard’. If they cannot meet this ‘standard’ through dieting, make-up, and posed selfies, then young people may struggle to accept their own bodies and looks. They may also face rejection by peers. Some of these young people may go on to develop eating disorders. For Julie, the boy’s remark was a trigger factor rather than an explanation for her developing an eating disorder (a complex and challenging condition that could be as much about regaining control as responding to social pressure on body image). She would be unlikely to discuss the comment with others and keep this hidden. Her difficulty may only become apparent through changes in mood, eating habits, and body weight. Preventing Julie from developing an eating disorder could save her and her family from years of suffering. Because an eating disorder can have a potential deadly outcome, it is important to develop strategies of preventing its development. Action Points: • Challenge social constructions of the perfect body; take opportunities to engage critically with unhealthy media representations of the human body; communicate in a way that reinforces normal, realistic body appearance as positive; speak more about who people are rather than how they look. • Observe changes in body weight, eating habits and mood changes of young people. Family or others in regular contact are best-placed to do this. • The young person should be encouraged to describe their feelings when changes are observed.

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• An eating disorder is very difficult to manage and therefore therapy should be considered as early as possible in order to endure difficult emotions and prevent these leading to self-harm. • Encourage the person’s sense of hope for the future, focusing on creative, healthy activities that distract their thoughts from body centredness. Case 11: Lucille (see p. 24) Recap: Lucille lived in an abusive relation with her husband and turned humiliation into shame. Lucille broke out of the bad marriage with hardly any self-esteem, coping skills, or hope for the future. Women (or men) in abusive relations are humiliated over time, again and again, until they finally perceive themselves as how the perpetrator describes them and struggle to break free. Many have children and experience guilt for exposing them to observing the abuse and violation of their values. For example, the abused person may value telling the truth but find themselves lying all the time to hide what is going on. When Lucille saw the theoretical model of the transformation of humiliation into shame and guilt, she recognized herself in this and realized she needed therapy to help unpick all these emotions and regain her self-esteem. The best focus would be on Lucille’s resources, the ones she had before the marriage, generating hope for the future and making realistic plans, not least to ensure her security. Action Points: • The moment of break-up in an abusive relationship is the most dangerous period for the person. It is important that

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they quickly seek help from health or social care personnel to provide a safe environment or shelter. • The person will also need to consider involving the police and applying for a restraining order against the abusing partner. In extreme cases, the person may need help to move to a different area or even change their identity. • Family and friends should offer practical help and support following a break-up from an abusive relationship, emphasizing the courage of the person taking this action and boosting their self-esteem. This is important because the individual is unlikely to ask for help themselves and will struggle to gain a positive self-identity. • As the abused person becomes more aware of the systematic nature of the humiliation and recognizes that the shame experienced is false, they will probably show anger. This is a healthy expression of emotion when focused on the perpetrator. This marks a turning point in becoming autonomous and standing up for themselves. The person will now be better able to separate their authentic emotions from those generated by the abusive actions of the perpetrator. • Empower the person to build a new future, importantly in terms of housing, work/education. Provide information on different options or possibilities and avoid ‘taking over’. • Help the person to sort through and identify their values rather than those emphasized by the perpetrator. Assist the person in accepting that the abusive situation may have led to them compromising their own values simply to survive but that now they will be able to return to the values they cherish and want to live by.

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• Take all opportunities to strengthen the person’s selfesteem and lower their sense of shame by acknowledging the perpetrator’s systematic humiliation. Case 12: Brooke (see p. 27) Recap: Brooke joined a political youth party at 17 only to suffer sexual harassment by an older, established politician. The #MeToo campaign has increased awareness about the extent to which women, in particular, but also men, can be subject to humiliating sexual harassment in the workplace and in other contexts. Brooke did eventually speak out and achieve some natural justice when the politician lost his credibility as a leading figure in his party due to the negative media attention. It is clear that the victim of harassment needs to gain control as early as possible. Had Brooke been encouraged and properly supported to deal with the harassment from the start, her own political career may not have suffered. Society needs to do much more to ensure sexual harassment is taken seriously and not easily dismissed as some kind of interpersonal misunderstanding. Action Points: • Organizations should have clear and unfailing systems to outlaw sexual harassment and support those who notify that this has occurred. • A person subject to sexual harassment should be encouraged to speak out, not least to employers (e.g. human resources) and the police where appropriate. • The person should retain all correspondence from the perpetrator, keep a diary of incidents and note key information, witnesses, and reporting.

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• The person should be protected from contact with the perpetrator and not be subject to discrimination, duress or loss while an investigation is underway. • The individual should be supported and offered counselling to assist with emotional adjustment and practical decision-making in relation to the harassment and its resolution. • The person should consider or be advised of the likely impacts should details of the harassment get reported in the media. Case 13: William (see p. 32) Recap: At 80 years of age William still remembered a derogatory remark his teacher made more than 70 years earlier about being ‘dumb’. Humiliating remarks stick in people’s memory. There is more than enough evidence from psychology that alerts us to the negative impact that such comments can have on a person’s sense of self. Furthermore, negative remarks about an individual’s ability may result in a self-fulfilling prophecy. Several experiments have shown that students told they will succeed get better grades than those told they would fail. In other words, people often life up to or live down to voiced expectations. We cannot make simple conclusions, of course, about the impact of the remark on William and his life as a whole, but this early comment clearly hurt him. It may be that he was in a vulnerable state at the time and the comment reduced his horizon of opportunities. We can anticipate that given his memory of the event, it had dented his self-esteem in some way. William’s case should be a reminder to all those in teaching who hold

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the power to shape and form young people’s identities at an early stage. We have all heard stories about teachers making or breaking people. Teachers bear great responsibility in the language they use when speaking to and about their students. Action Points: • Those in key roles in the formation of young people should be aware of the impact of negative or humiliating comments on self-esteem, identity, and future prospects. Criticism of a young person or their work should be constructive and made in a respectful way. • Teachers or those in similar roles should seek to make amends by an apology for any negative or potentially damaging comments they make to young people. • Good teachers will show sensitivity to individual students and praise effort or achievement in order to boost their self-esteem. • If another person, whatever their age, is preoccupied with a past negative comment or ‘label’, emphasize attributes they have which counter it and reveal it as limited or unfounded. • Sharing your own authentic stories of being humiliated by other people’s comments may help the person to feel less isolated or set apart. • Open up discussion about ways of coping with such comments. Case 14: Ricky (see p. 34) Recap: Ricky grew up with heroin-addicted, criminal parents and learned to get what he needed by any means.

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Ricky had all the odds against him when growing up. He eventually met a concerned teacher who quickly determined that Ricky was on the edge of ruining his life. The teacher took action and contacted the health services in the school system. Ricky received more support, not least from the teacher who took on a parent role in guiding him whenever he struggled to fit in with social norms, showing him the difference between right and wrong and nurturing his empathy for other people. The teacher worked hard to help Ricky see his potential. This example brings to our attention the powerful impact of higher expectations leading to an increase in performance (the Rosenthal effect or the Pygmalion effect), described by Rosenthal and Jacobson (1992). The devoted teacher provided Ricky with a much better chance of becoming a decent citizen. The teacher’s intervention countered the influence of the maladaptive parents and criminal circle they attracted which put Ricky’s future in jeopardy. Action Points: • Try to reach out to young people like Ricky not only for their benefit but also for the good of society. Model and reinforce more positive ways of living. • Be aware young people in Ricky’s position may transform humiliation into a lack of empathy as a strategy to survive. • Teachers need to spot the warning sign of a lack of empathy in children and take opportunities to explore and develop empathy in their teaching, for example, through art, literature, drama, and history. • Encourage young people like Ricky to join in social activities both inside and outside of school hours; act as an advocate, encouraging leaders in social activities to make a particular effort in engaging such individuals.

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Case 15: Matt (see p. 60) Recap: Matt became a laughing stock when his subjective feeling of entitlement to use fireworks at his birthday party got the better of him. Matt reacted as if the authorities insulted him individually when local restrictions applied to the use of private fireworks. He cut off from his friend, a journalist, who refused to write about ‘the insult’ and Matt became a laughing stock in the community. He chose what narcissists often do to leave the area and start all over again. In a new location, such individuals can begin once again to surround themselves with people that agree with them. Narcissists such as Matt will remain vulnerable to taking revenge against anyone who humiliates them. Action Points: • Narcissists should explore with trusted friends the different options for responding to barriers which stop them having what they feel entitled to, consider the price to be paid by continually changing environments when losing face and try to keep their friendships intact. • In communicating with a narcissist, be aware of how your own needs may be undervalued or ignored and seek reassurance from others; be alert to their hypersensitivity to anything that can be considered ‘criticism’ and when decisions are made together seek further confirmation afterwards that you have understood things correctly. • If you need to confront a narcissist, for example, in the workplace, be sure to have the support of superiors.

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3.6. CORE VALUES AND REDUCING HUMILIATION-INSPIRED TERRORISM Our core values are strong if we are conscious of them. We noted earlier how passionately a doctor defended her core values with humiliated rage when a nurse questioned them. Strong core values also often feature in the explanations given by terrorists for their terrible actions to humans all over the world. Terrorists claim to be entitled to their actions in order to ‘free people’ from non-religious or other objectionable ways of living, to make a ‘statement’ in order to have politicians listen to their views or to ‘fight for something bigger than themselves’. Some people question the meta-explanations of the reasons for terror, alerting us to the hybrid strategies of terrorist acts planned by military groups or malign states. The kind of solo terrorist attacks of recent years do point to something more idiosyncratic, rooted in the psychologies and personalities of lone terrorists. Swedish media, for example, reported on the conclusions that forensic psychiatrists reached about Rakhmat Akilov, the Stockholm terrorist: ‘It is possible that [his] disappointments and challenges in life might have been more important than he himself admits to.’ We can identify common factors in the lives of lone terrorists. These factors are exclusion or withdrawal, minor crime, search for environments that accept them, sociodemographic factors such as low income and poor expectation of success in ordinary work and social settings. Such factors can be read from the perspective of the lone terrorist as not being allowed to ‘fit in’, being devalued in one’s surroundings and among populations, subject to social or economic humiliation. During the process of radicalization, these individuals are in need of a world picture identifying enemies or groups of enemies. It seems like the best prevention of radicalization would be social and educational methods (Table 3.1).

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Table 3.1. Toolbox for Reducing Humiliation-inspired Radicalization. Early identification of young individuals that seem to disengage with school and activities. Curricula should describe how to include all individuals in teaching methods. Establish creative and educational centres to meet the needs of those individuals who seem to be marginalized. Create activities for those seeking adrenalin kicks

for example,

climbing, car racing, and so on. Politicians should consider housing decisions to avoid development of disadvantaged areas or ghettoes. Politicians should consider school policy and curricula that advance understanding of democracy and the practice of empathic thinking and behaviour. The rhetoric from all authorities should be respectful, tailored to individuals and avoid stereotyping Police authorities need to be visible among and consult with all communities. All practical and technical efforts should be made to identify, disrupt and counter radicalization cultures and information.

3.7. TOOLBOX FOR NEUTRALIZING HUMILIATION We are humans and make errors. We grow habits of ranking and dismissing others. We easily slip into following the crowd, pointing a finger at those we rank low or joining in with public disapproval of others for any number of reasons sometimes just to ‘fit in’. It is easy to move away from our principles and values of compassion. It is easy, in other words, to humiliate others. At the same time, with effort

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and mindfulness, we can adapt to be alert to and proactive about potential humiliation of others, speak out against their humiliation wherever this occurs, become active in countering discourse and behaviour that sets people against people and nations against nations. Along the way, we need reminders to make us think, guidelines that list our principles in life in order to avoid humiliating others and to escape the shame that often follows when we are the ones that degrade or hurt other humans. Our insights and identification of some of the sources that initiate humiliations can form a simple toolbox for neutralizing humiliations wherever we go (Table 3.2).

Table 3.2. Toolbox for Avoiding or Neutralizing Humiliations. An Overall Philosophy That All Humans Should Be Treated with Respect and Dignity Education

Champion respect and dignity for all, develop empathy as a counter to narcissism and celebrate the contribution of diverse human perspectives and culture.

Compassion Demonstrate and value acting in kindly ways to others. Importantly, see people and listen to them. Apology

Apologize to neutralize humiliations. An apology can also reduce the shame that we experience after we have been unjustly treated.

Non-

Challenge habits of casual and formal ranking in our

hierarchy

thinking and behaviour.

Validation

Take every opportunity to validate other people in words and actions.

Healing

Engage in processes that assist in healing people who have been humiliated to boost self-esteem (see Table 3.3 below).

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Table 3.2. (Continued ) Vigilance

Remain alert to humiliation towards individuals, groups, or nations in society and its media.

Intervention

Take action to prevent or mitigate humiliation of others in

Redirection

To avoid revenge after humiliation, try to find a course

speech, writing or actions. that benefits both individuals and humanity. Keep our eyes and ears open for humiliation. Speak and act against humiliation.

Because humiliation is so damaging we need to explore how individuals can begin to heal after such an experience. Table 3.3 offers a useful summary for how to approach healing in this context.

Table 3.3. Toolbox for Individual Healing after Being Humiliated. Actions

Rationale

Analyse the humiliating situation This will help you prepare to make and write down the possible

the best choices or responses

consequences of different actions Consider the event in relation to the wider story of your life

This can help you visualize humiliation as only a tiny part of your life

Identify positive aspects to take

This can counter the immediate

from the situation

sense that everything that happened is negative and will help to increase self-esteem

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Table 3.3. (Continued ) Actions Pick your fights

Rationale Be aware that if you fight back, additional humiliation could follow; this needs careful consideration

Focus on your close friends and Their support will provide an family

important psychological ‘haven’ and comfort

Focus on your achievements

This will help you to see yourself as

and ambition for the future

more than humiliated. Also, higher expectations encourage enhanced performance

Focus on and celebrate your

This will help you ‘hold your head

values

high’ and distinguish your values from those held by individuals who

Stay active

This will help you to avoid over-

humiliated you thinking the humiliation Avoid revenge

This will reduce the likelihood of suffering additional shame

Develop a compassionate

Having a compassionate mentality

mentality for oneself and those

allows us to live with our own

who humiliate others

weaknesses and those of others; it can advance forgiveness of oneself

Consider avoiding humiliation

It may be helpful for a whole to avoid

‘hot spots’

contexts that increase the potential

and others

for being humiliated such as social media and unguarded presentation of personal information or images Turn the humiliation into positive Find your talents to help you ‘shine’ action

instead of letting the humiliations dominate your mind

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To make a difference, we need to help young people develop empathy and compassion for themselves and others, assist their understanding of emotions and encourage them to respond creatively and positively to challenging situations that may become shaming or humiliating. This is particularly important in terms of how to deal with the identity turbulence that can occur on social media. Importantly, preventing humiliation and repairing losses when people are humiliated should be to the fore in our societies at the individual, group, organizational, national, and international levels. Young people need to see and have modelled for them how best to proceed at home, at school, in the workplace and so on to avoid causing or being subject to humiliation. We need to take very seriously and respond to the peril of escalating humiliations. These dangers are stark. What we do know is that humiliation severely challenges the health and well-being of individuals, groups, societies, and nations. In this short book, we have focused primarily on the impact of humiliation on individuals rather than on groups, societies, or nations, but we hope that everyone will do their best to promote collaborative, respectful, and peaceful behaviour. Without such efforts, we will all pay a very big price.

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INDEX Depression or anxiety, 4 Disempowerment, 63 64 Displacement, 36 37 Dissociation, 36 37

Ability to hurt others, 29 30 Abuser, 25 26 Academic achievement and social pressure, 45 Acting out, 36 37 Aggression, 63 64 Alter ego, 64 66 Anger, 39 Anxiety, 36 37 Arrogance, 57 Attention, 53 54 Balanced narcissism, 54 55 Body shaming, 20 Bureaucratic humiliation, 18 19 Compassion, 78 80 Compensation, 36 37 Compound humiliation, 75 Confusion, 13 15 Continual humiliations, 41 43 Defence mechanisms, 35 38, 47 48 self-esteem, 35 37 Degradation, 9 13

Ego, 35 37 Elderly populations, 11 12 Embarrassment, 3 4 Emotional restraint, 82 Empathy, 57, 76 77 Emptiness feelings, 57 Entitlement, 58 Exclusion, 20 21 Exhibitionism, 58 Exploitation of others, 57 Extremist groups, 69 70 Extrovert narcissist, 58 59 Feeling of injustice, 17 19 Films and photographs, 4 5 Future humiliations, fear of, 19 20 Genetics and narcissism, 52 53 Grandiosity, 58

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122

Harassment, 27 29 Healthy narcissism, 55 56 Helplessness, 13 15 Human dignity, 7 8, 78 80 Humiliation activation for, 48 50 aspects, 8 9 on behalf of others, 71 definitions, 7 8 elements of, 8, 48 features of invalidation in, 48 49 and memory, 32 33 revisiting cases of, 82 106 shame and, 8 to shame transformation, 25 situational features of, 48, 49 Idealization and devaluation, 57 Intellectualization, 36 37 Interpersonal disputes, 77 78 Islamic State (IS), 64 66, 68 Mental health, 26 Mental illness, 63 70 #MeToo campaign, 27 29

Index

Narcissism, 26, 50 51 overt vs. covert, 58 61 symptoms affective symptoms, 56 57 grandiosity symptoms, 58 interpersonal symptoms, 57 symptoms and traits of, 51 56 Narcissistic personality disorder, 66 67 Neutralizing humiliations, 77 78 toolbox for, 108 112 Overt vs. covert narcissism, 58 61 Pathological narcissism, 56, 58 Personality, 33 34 Freud’s interacting dimensions of, 33 trait, 50 51 Physical assault, 15 16 Posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD), 32 33 Power, 30 31 Power balance, 31, 78 80 Powerlessness, 13 15 Prestige, success, and brilliance, preoccupation, 58 Projection, 36 37 Proxy humiliation, 31

Index

Psychic decline, 37 38 Psychological defence mechanisms, 21 Psychopathology, 4 Public exposure, 19 20 and individual values, 21 23 Public shaming, 3 4 Rank of status, 31 32 Rationalization, 36 37 Reaction formation, 36 37 Reactions to humiliation, 42 elements in concept, 48 mental illness, violence and terrorism, 63 70 narcissism. See Narcissism self-esteem and self-image psychological understanding of, 47 48 ruining, 45 47 shame and humiliation, 41 45 vulnerability and entitlement, 61 63, 70 Regression, 36 37 Religious groups, 69 70 Repression, 36 37 Roasting, 31 32 Rumours and accusations, 44 Sado-masochism, 4 5 Sanderson’s spectrum of family of shame emotions (adapted), 9

123

Schizophrenic disorder, 66 67 Self-blame, 28 29 Self-centred character, 50 51 Self-defence, 16 17 Self-esteem, 13, 16 17, 21, 54 55 defence mechanisms, 35 37 effect, 23 24 healthy, 38 40 labile feelings of, 56 psychological understanding, 47 48 ruining, 45 47 shame and humiliation, 24 26 Self-evaluation, 55 56 Self-identity, 13 Self-image, 39 40 psychological understanding, 47 48 ruining, 45 47 values, and self-esteem, 34 35 Self-loving, 50 51 Self- or other-directed violence, 4 Self-regard, 55 56 Sense of self and injustice, 15 16 Shame, 57 and humiliation, 8, 24 26, 41 45 Shame-humiliation pairing, 3 4 ‘Slut-shaming’, 10

Index

124

‘Social attractedness’, 5 6 Social media, 69 Social or economic humiliation, 107 Social pressure, 45 Social withdrawal, 21 So You’ve Been Publicly Shamed?, 26 Status degradation ceremonies, 5 6 Status rank, 78 80 Sublimation, 36 37 Substance abuse disorders, 34 Suicide, 4, 37 38

‘Swot’ blocks, 20 21 Sympathy, 76 Terrorism, 63 70 Unwanted sexual harassment, 27 28 Violation/assault, 15 17 Violence, 16 17, 63 70 and terrorism, 70 Vulnerability and entitlement, 70 to humiliation, 61 63