Goodbye College - Hello Life : Go-to Answers from A Got-There Grown-up 9781599964461, 9781599961651

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Goodbye College— Hello Life! Go-To Answers from a Got-There Grown-Up

Lisa Brock

HRD Press, Inc. • Amherst • Massachusetts

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Copyright © 2009 by Lisa Brock

All rights reserved. Printed in the United States of America. Except as permitted under the United States Copyright Act of 1976, no part of this publication may be reproduced or distributed in any form or by any means, or stored in a database or retrieval system, without the prior written permission of the publisher.

Published by: HRD Press, Inc. 22 Amherst Road Amherst, Massachusetts 01002 1-800-822-2801 (U.S. and Canada) 1-413-253-3488 1-413-253-3490 (fax) http://www.hrdpress.com

ISBN: 978-1-59996-165-1

Editorial services by Suzanne Bay Production services by Anctil Virtual Office Cover design by Eileen Klockars

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Contents Preface ..........................................................................................

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Chapter 1: It’s Your Life— Own it Sooner, Rather than Later....................... 1 Looking Back ........................................................ 11 Chapter 2: Where Are You Headed? .................................... 13 Let’s Get Started .................................................... 22 Chapter 3: Your Strengths and Weaknesses ........................ 23 A Quick Self-Assessment .................................... 30 Chapter 4: How Will You Know Where You Really Want to Be? .......................... 33 An Action Plan in 7 Steps .................................... 42 Chapter 5: Sacrifices ................................................................ 45 Questions to Think About .................................. 53 Chapter 6: Are You Looking for a Career, or a Job? .......... 55 Chapter 7: Make a Plan............................................................ 61 A Case Study ........................................................ 65 What’s Your Plan? ................................................ 67 Chapter 8: Groom Yourself Inside and Out ........................ The Obvious Stuff ................................................ More “Grooming” Tips ........................................ Grooming Checklist.............................................. iii

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Chapter 9: Technology Common Sense ................................ 81 How Is Your Technology Common Sense? ...... 87 Chapter 10: Good Manners Never Go Out of Style .............. 89 How are Your Manners? ...................................... 97 Chapter 11: The Art of Listening.............................................. 99 How Well do You Listen? .................................... 105 Chapter 12: Accept Help .......................................................... 107 Mentoring Opportunities .................................... 113 Chapter 13: Preparing for Interviews...................................... 115 How to Become Better Informed ........................ 123 Chapter 14: Humility and Self-Confidence ............................ 125 How Good Are You at the Art of Making Conversation? ............................ 132 A Final Word .............................................................................. 133 About the Author ...................................................................... 135

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Preface I wrote this book because I love the optimism and edge-ofadulthood perspective embodied in the university and high school years. And I know it is, for many of you, a time of doubt, worry, and fear. As a businesswoman, coach, religious teacher, and amateur sociologist, I have watched lots of young people grow up and begin to find out who they are and what they need to do to get where they want to go. There is no one way to do it; as long as you are learning along the way, it’s all good. I believe there is a need for a book like this. I hope it helps you find your voice, courage, vision, and way. I want the book to reach in and find you, and then I want it to move you to make the decisions you have probably already considered. I am happy to be the little push you need to get to your next level.

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Chapter 1

It’s Your Life. Own it sooner, rather than later.

Your life belongs to you. It does not belong to your parents, your grandparents, boyfriend, girlfriend, teacher, mentor, or spouse. In my view, your life is an extraordinary gift, and I’d go even so far as to call it a spiritual one. But this book is not about me—it’s all about YOU. Growing up means owning up, too. On the day you were born, you possessed what I will call “raw material” that was beyond your control. You could not help who you were born to or what your genetics are, what the neighborhood was like, whether or not you were a natural delivery, or whether or not alcohol or drugs were involved. You had no control over your birth parents’ jobs or careers (or lack thereof), or how they responded to your arrival. You did not assist in the planning, the nursery décor, or the welcome home, or even in any subsequent decision regarding additional children. Many choices and decisions are still being made for you or on your behalf, but this will change once you demonstrate the ability to make responsible and wise decisions about every aspect of your life.

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Exhibit A My son Cody, at the age of 8, thought he should be allowed to stay out past dark and roam the neighborhood with his little pals, playing a game they called “Spy.” They dressed in black sweat pants and black shirts, and attached ropes, pulleys, and bungee cords from their belt loops. He learned about this fun adventure from his older stepbrother George (who played indoors). Cody kept my husband and me on our toes—even in our own bedroom. We just never knew when he might jump out and shout “Gotcha!” Playing “Spy” in the neighborhood might have been a good choice from Cody’s perspective had the circumstances been different, but earlier that summer, a neighbor called our attention to what the kids were doing late one afternoon. It seems that these little supersleuths climbed up a tree to get to a fence in order to get a better view of the neighbors, who were skinny-dipping in their pool. Despite the “privacy” fence, the boys witnessed the scene of a lifetime! We got a heads-up that our son would need very close supervision. Staying out at even the hint of darkness would not be in his cards for some time. My point in sharing this little anecdote is to point out that whether Cody made a choice or made a decision, there were consequences to his behavior, even at the age of eight. I was there to help him understand exactly what that meant, but if he tried that little trick today, the consequences would be entirely different—and they would be his to own. I might advise from the sidelines, but he’d have to deal with whatever occurred, ranging from enormous embarrassment, disappointment in himself, loss of self-esteem, and lots of negotiating and apologizing to perhaps hiring a lawyer to defend himself from criminal charges and threat of job loss.

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Are you ready? Because there is a price. It is time for you to own your choices and decisions in full. I cannot say it more strongly: Go ahead and take back the control you’ve given over to your parents, teachers, and significant others of all kinds and start telling yourself, Wow! I am on my own now, and I can choose or decide whatever I want! And start accepting the consequences of your choices and decisions. Notice that I am not telling you that things will go exactly as you wish from here on out. I’m simply saying that it is time to stop blaming other people for who you are and what you are all about. You have had whatever start you were born with, but now it is time to begin your own unique journey toward becoming who you are meant to be. It is time to define yourself and to accept responsibility for your actions, choices, and decisions. If you want to stay out after dark and play “Spy,” GO FOR IT. Just get ready to deal with the consequences. Also, please notice that I did not say, “Hey, you are free. Throw out everything you have been taught or have learned along the way.” Quite the opposite: Much of what you have learned so far will come back. There is a purpose to your earlier training. You may wish to keep some of what you learned, but everything will find its place if you allow it.

Are you ever really free? And what does that mean, anyway? This next part gets very tricky to explain, but here goes: In a way, we are never truly free from the circumstances of our birth and early life. Good or bad, it is all material for our future. The best way to make good use of it is to become well acquainted with it and learn to make it work for you.

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Think about it. Haven’t you learned the most from some of your worst decisions? What can you learn when everything goes your way, other than how good you are at planning? If you become intimate pals with what goes wrong, you will add that knowledge to your bank of life experiences, and pretty soon you will be sitting on considerable assets. And this will help you achieve your larger plans in life—developing outside interests, succeeding in your career, achieving family harmony, and just generally becoming more of the person you want to be. Choosing to own your life means putting some distance between you and those who want to help you or influence your decisions: parents (usually), but also siblings, best friends, aunts and uncles, grandparents, teachers, religious instructors, and a whole host of others. It might take the form of physical or emotional distancing, or in the worst case, abandonment or aggression. Some young people feel like they are being threatened or challenged, such as when parents explain how unrealistic or frightening things can turn out if their son or daughter does not accept their guidance. You might feel alone, confused, or anxious as you begin the process of becoming who you are, but if it is to be your life, try to understand these feelings so you can add to your emotional palette. There is no need to hide from them—they will pass. Oddly enough, they will allow you to distinguish between the range of good feelings that come your way, too. There will undoubtedly be a tearful goodbye at some juncture, laced with parental pride, praise for your courage, and support for your growing up and learning how to live on your own. There are usually many small steps along the way to this literal separation from parents and childhood, as well as milestones you might not have noticed: your first day of first grade, middle school, high school: prom night, award ceremonies, class officer, summer camp, youth group activities and trips, vacations and family reunions, and so on.

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Each step and each milestone represents a move toward greater self-knowledge and maturity in preparation for the day when you will physically and emotionally leave your present life to live on your own.

Exhibit B One of the interns in my office came to me recently to discuss her future. Because my time is limited, I try to make sure that interns (who work for free) get at least a chunk of my time near the end of their service. I do this because by this time, my team has a solid handle on the intern’s aptitude, attitude, and skill set, and I can best advise from this vantage point. I review their strengths and weaknesses in their role with us, take a critical look at their résumés, learn more about their career goals, and try to connect them to all the resources on the Web. “Carol” had been an average to above-average intern. She showed early promise, but seemed to want to please me. Her best bet would have been to please her capable and appointed mentor, Natalie. Carol often clamored for my personal attention, though I politely refused and referred her back to Natalie. She demonstrated a better-than-average ability in research and editing, but her inability to follow the order of appropriate communication channels told me that she needed to learn a little more about the basics of public relations (e.g., good manners and the ability to accurately read between the lines). Still, I wanted to give her some valuable information in exchange for her time with us, so I asked the same question I ask of my staff during annual reviews: “If you had no barriers and could do whatever it is you dream of, what would that be?” She mentioned her financial concerns, her anxiety over getting her final assignments completed in time

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for graduation, and her loud and unruly roommates. Finally, after much prodding from me, she stated that she had always wanted to work in the high-stakes world of fashion PR. This was interesting! She had never once mentioned this aspiration, but I knew it was a true one, because a wide smile broke across her now-animated face. I am all about dreams, so I asked how she planned to accomplish her goal. She said she’d never really thought seriously about it. Her dream never made the leap over to her real-world thinking. Even though I have heard variations on this theme many times before, it always gives me pause: What stopped her from believing that dreams really can come true? In fact, dreaming is often how we make it happen! We dream, and then we chase the dream. I wanted to learn more, so I pressed. “What market would you want to work in?” I asked, implying that I was confident she knew that high-fashion PR opportunities are rare in our part of Florida. “Well, I guess New York,” she said, as a broad smile broke out over her face. “So what is keeping you from exploring that now, from here, for the next couple of months until you graduate?” She did not answer right away, explaining that she would think about it and get back to me. We finished our chat, and the next day she returned to my office. “My parents asked me if I was crazy,” she reported. “They said there is no way I could ever afford to live in New York City, and that they will not support my moving there.” Her demeanor slumped as I continued my line of questioning about the specifics of their concerns. I told her of the exploits of a former student who conquered the Big Apple, amassing several job offers in a matter of days by cold-calling companies she had researched. She eventually accepted one at VH-1—a glamour job by just about any measure in those days. Yes, she

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knew she’d have to have a “bunch of roommates,” but it was worth it. She could begin her journey on her own terms, toward her own life. Carol was intrigued, but not swayed. “There is no way I could do it on my own, and if my parents won’t help, I’m not taking the chance.” For Carol, at least at this time in her life, the challenges of grown-up life look too great to overcome. So she will do something else, something that pleases her parents and keeps her tethered to their checkbook.

. . . and Exhibit C As I write this, a young woman I know is applying to colleges outside her home state, without her parents’ knowledge. “They’d never support it, and I don’t know how I’ll do it, but this is my dream,” she told me. She can pursue her newfound interest in all things culinary at the Culinary Institute of America, but she would have to be able to follow her dream without her parents’ support. She is full of fear, but she is so capable and has so much hope and optimism. It remains to be seen whether or not she will seek her own path. The pressure of knowing that one’s parents will not support a life-long dream is enormous. It defies logic that a gifted and award-winning culinary student would turn down the opportunity to study at a world-renowned institution, particularly when the opportunity includes the guarantee of a transfer to Cornell University if grades and expectations are met. What parent would not want an Ivy League education for their motivated, willing, and able child? Parents threatening to pull the financial plug or hurling all the “what ifs” at them stifles and scares young people. It is also a shame.

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The consequences of respectfully disagreeing with her parents and following her dream were more than this young woman could handle. She chose the safer way and attended a state university. At this point in her life, the risk of disappointing her parents was too great. Each difficulty in life is an invitation to step into the middle of the discomfort and look closely at why we feel the way we feel. If you accept this challenge, you will grow and learn more about who you are. Sometimes it takes a few disappointments before we finally start to figure it out, but the beauty of life is that day after day, we get to choose or not choose, accept or deny. It truly is up to us. Opportunities to grow are a guaranteed part of life, no matter what age or stage of life we are at.

. . . and Exhibit D! I know another young person who was doing very well at an Ivy League school, but when he told his parents of his decision to major in philosophy, they objected. Vehemently. When that didn’t cause him to change his mind, they chastised him and told him he’d never be successful. They finally threatened to cut him off financially if he didn’t study business. In the end, he “chose” their way, but it caused enormous strain and emotional turmoil. The parents beamed with pride as they told friends and colleagues of the son’s “choice.” Meanwhile, their son is moving farther and farther away from them emotionally. His father defines success in terms of money, and the son is saddled with this same outlook. He can choose to define and pursue success differently, but he does not. So his choices, like his father’s, are his own. Maybe sometime in the future, he will make the decision to live his own life—but maybe not. Maybe he will decide to live his father’s version of what his life “ought” to be.

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I have to do it alone? It is no secret to those of us who have done it that growing up is, in many ways, a solitary act. That does not mean that we are alone when we do it: It means that in the end, we alone get to choose. If you are lucky, you will have the love and support of an extended family that rejoices with you as you take your small steps toward your big life. But it might also mean some distancing or loss on the way there. Life is not always easy, and there is no guarantee that everyone will be happy. But you still have to choose. Remember: Not to decide is to decide. Try and retrain your brain to think this way: I GET to do this on my own! This simple declaration can reduce your anxiety, and it rings with truth. You are free to move, reinvent yourself, find new friends to add to the existing ones, and go someplace where the culture is something you have always wanted to explore. You can learn a new language, try new foods, pick your own place to live, hang up your own art, buy your own bedspread, stay out late, date whomever you choose, and go where you want when you want! I have seen too many young people struggle with this concept, primarily because they are not able to think independently. Too many are more than capable, yet they sell their souls for designer purses and seek unhealthy approval. Sure, they wear the latest styles, but they live off their parents or boyfriends/girlfriends and give in to the charade of being “grown up” and having it all. It’s mostly theater, but it can be powerful stuff with powerful consequences if you buy into it.

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I also know other young people who have seized the opportunity to make their own way. They come from all walks of life, representing the haves and have nots and spanning the color scheme of skin, cultural divides, and formal education blended with LIFE 101. They are proving that if you want it, you can have it—but it doesn’t walk up to your door and knock! You have to find it, chase it, make it happen, and give in to the ways it will change you. You have to accept that it will not necessarily be easy, but it will be worth it. All efforts add up to you. Getting there is where much of the fun and discovery lie. This reminds me of another thing you need to consider: Even poor decisions can be un-made and re-made better! No one gets to a truly well-lived life without mistakes here and there. Call them miscalculations, lack of radar, or whatever you want, but understand that failure serves a purpose when you are willing to own up and make it up. The most compelling and motivating stories of success are those in which we overcome incredible odds. So let go of your mistakes. They are in the past, and you live in the present. Or at least that’s the goal! But for now, try to grasp the reality that this is your life. Let’s see what we can make of that.

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Looking Back Go somewhere quiet and think about each of these questions. Then write your responses in a journal or on your computer. 1. What were the circumstances of your birth? 2. Time of day: 3. How was the delivery? 4. What were your parents’ thoughts? 5. When you see pictures of or hear stories about your birth, what are your thoughts or feelings? 6. What did you think of the choices your parents made as parents? 7. How about as individuals (and not as your parents)? 8. What kinds of things did you argue about with your parents? 9. Do they support your growing up and/or your independence? 10. If you do not think they support you, how can you tell? List two or three decisions you made where you could tell that your parents either did or did not support you. How did you handle each of these situations? What might you do differently in the future if others do not support your authentic goals?

In Chapter 2, we’ll take a close look at how you view your past, and how it might be affecting where you are headed. 11

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Chapter 2

Where are you headed?

Your past is gone. Now you have a chance to re-make yourself. So what’s your plan? The small town or big city you live in consists of small groups of individuals who make up the whole of the larger community. For purposes of this discussion, I will focus on two distinct groups of young people: individuals with famous family names, money, or influence (or all three), and those without. I have met dozens of young people in these two groups several times over in my professional life. So often, the young men and women who have “it” wish they didn’t. The ones who don’t have the name, fame, or money are intrigued with the fantasy of what it must be like, because they don’t know the reality of what all that means. These groups stick out in my mind because I have seen individuals in each group do some pretty serious acting out to get what they don’t have. Never did I ever think I’d live to see the day where uppermiddle-class kids adopt ghetto culture as a way to be cool, but I guess none of us could have predicted or prepared for the media culture we are now living in. This is a part of the technology revolution, but somehow it did not get down to the masses. Technology is moving so quickly, we can hardly keep up with it.

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What people think of as being “cool” is shaped, in part, by the media. Young people today have grown up with it, but many adults don’t understand, can’t connect to, and are unaware of its many forms and powerful influences. In the real world, that stuff is just that: glamorized, editorialized, and edited versions of life that are downright deceiving. The real-life stuff that happens when we live without consequences or without appropriate boundaries is not what young people see, hear, or talk about. The media has thus failed an entire generation— maybe two. Which brings me to the point of this chapter. If you want to achieve a sense of peace and feel connected with others, you must forego the drama and deal with WHO YOU ARE and where you came from—good or not-so-good. Forget the fantasy. Forget the jealousy. Drop the front. All the time you have spent wishing and trying to get there is wasted. Spend your time on moving forward.

Things are not always what they seem. If you haven’t already figured it out, let me be the first to explain this statement. Having a big name or influential parents, relatives, or friends is just as much a burden as it is a gift. I have known people from this so-called preferred and privileged world, and some of them have been enormously successful at navigating the name-fame-money game. Others have not. Why and why not? So many factors not related to this book play a role in one’s success that it is dangerous to attempt even a simple explanation. Conversely, not having to live up to a name-fame-money scenario allows an individual to have a kind of freedom. If no one is there to open doors for you, you feel a sense of accomplishment when you open those doors yourself. This gives you a feeling of satisfaction and raises your 14

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self-confidence. You’ll be able to create your own intrinsic reward system for the next time the door won’t budge and you have to find a way in anyway. You will be less likely to give up, because you will have learned firsthand what it feels like to make it happen all by yourself. Not that success happens in a vacuum! If you are not born with the advantages you believe you deserve, look around and see who is there for you. There are people ready to push you forward, but you must recognize them and reach out: a teacher, a co-worker in your “slack” job, a family member, a friend, your parents. It might even be someone you go to a lecture to hear, or the person who is sitting next to you at the local coffee shop. It might even be parents who encourage you to learn by doing, instead of doing everything for you. This is the best scenario, but it’s possibly the rarest. I know I have certainly failed at times to reach my children through advice, guidance, and wisdom—okay, lectures.

And it doesn’t matter anyway. This book is about how to find and expedite your way to what you define as “success.” Start by first accepting and dealing with whatever you carry around related to how you see yourself. Begin making the necessary behavioral and psychological changes to your outlook, so that you can start chipping away at your feelings about who you are NOW. Here is an example of what I’m talking about. Let’s say that you need to study for a test, and then you need to get a good night’s sleep. However, friends are pressuring you to go out and party. You know better. You might not even want to go. But instead of being true to that voice in your head and mustering up the discipline to do what you need to, you go. There are consequences: you oversleep and feel lousy the morning of the test. Now you’ve lost your sharpness and already feel tired. 15

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You don’t do well on the test, and you feel badly about it all. You tell yourself that it won’t happen again, but will it? It’s amazing how often we break promises to ourselves. Our self-esteem suffers, and it gets harder and harder to break the bad habits. It can take years (and even therapy) to re-teach ourselves how to be who we are or who we want to be if the cycle isn’t broken early.

Get real. Lose the front. Too many young people try to be who they are not. I recently had a more-than-capable student tell me that she comes from a monied town in Connecticut. After normal conversation, I learned that she is really from New Jersey. Somehow, in our brand-conscious society, Greenwich, Connecticut sounded better. After all, she rationalized, her mother had driven to Greenwich for the actual delivery! Somehow, that counted more than the fact that she had never lived there. From the outside, it seemed hard to understand why she misrepresented herself: This young woman is smart, articulate, and attractive in all the ways that matter to young people. Yet deep down, she was afraid to be who she was and was afraid of what people would think or assume if she said she was from New Jersey. It didn’t matter at all to me where she was from, and her pretention troubled me. What else is she concealing about the real person? I wondered. Maybe her peers aren’t able to see through it, but I doubt that, too. Young people are very good at recognizing veneer when they see it. I know quite a few young people who have been brave enough to talk about their feelings of shame because their family name is tarnished or lacks any kind of social ring or standing. Whether it’s having no one in the family who’s formally

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educated or having a parent or sibling who is in jail, feeling guilty by association gets in the way of learning to be true to who you are. You don’t have to air your dirty laundry, but you must find a way to separate the behavior and choices of others from who you are (and certainly where you are headed). You are not pre-determined to follow the footsteps of anyone, but if you have been raised in extreme circumstances, you might need to take a different path to get to where you are going. Look around: The world is full of examples of people who have overcome a painful and far-from-perfect upbringing. I am an example of that, and there are many others—names you’d all recognize. Many people who have achieved success on their own honest terms do not come from a vaulted family name or high social standing. Keep that in mind. Seek inspiration in the lives of those who did it like you must do it. It’s a lofty and impressive crowd. They have more than the right clothes, latest phones, PDAs, and fancy apartments: They also have respect. Professional football player Warrick Dunn, media mogul Oprah Winfrey, author David Sedaris, businessperson Mary Kay, and anti-apartheid leader Nelson Mandela (who spent 25 difficult years in prison because of his political beliefs) have earned the respect of millions. Talk about working through the pain of not reaching your goal immediately! Many normal everyday people like you and me have overcome significant odds. We’re everywhere. Most of us are not living under the glare of media attention; we are raising families, building communities, and finding our way through life with its inevitable ups and downs that all people face, no matter how rich or famous. Try to see the benefits of living a life on your own terms, minus any baggage or prestige. Create a life that you can be proud of, and lose the stuff that brings you down. Make an honest assessment of what you’ve been given, earned, and chosen. Use what works for you, and lose the rest.

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Let’s have a shout out for honesty! Honesty is about coming clean to yourself. It’s an inside-thehead discussion you have with that little voice that no one hears but you. I call it your conscience, but you can call it whatever you like. Your inner voice or conscience tries to lead you in the right direction, but you mute it when you decide another way is good for the moment. Listening to your inner voice is the first step to getting real. Choose to discipline yourself and act with thought and consideration. Put a person or a goal first. It’s more important than satisfying your own more-childish or self-centered immediate needs. Sure, you can go drinking with your friends. You can also choose not to. You can buy that dress with your credit card, or you can instead choose to save the money. You can tell the white lie to someone you are supposed to love or honor, or you can steel yourself and give an honest response. You can deny your past or make up a life history in a world you wish you inhabited, or you can joke about not being able to afford something because your trust fund is overdrawn for the month. When everyone laughs, just tell them it’s a joke, and that you really can’t afford it. Do what is necessary to reconcile what you have been and are with what you want to be. Just do it.

Getting “there” takes time, but opportunities are everywhere. Public relations firms get to work with some impressive and interesting people. My own firm deals with athletes and events, so I am able to get up close with a part of humanity that is very different from what most people see in their everyday lives. I meet world-class athletes who practice over and over, devoting a lifetime to reaching the pinnacle of success. Race car drivers

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and professional football and hockey players understand that excellence can only be achieved over time. They take on the little things as if they were huge, and make extraordinary sacrifices that are never publicized. They rise early to train, and then they go to team meetings to learn new plays. They practice, eat well, work out on their own, and then have to rest their muscles in a way that will allow them to get up the next day and do it all over again. They miss significant events because they must travel for their “work,” and they have to put up with a lot of physical pain. They have stresses in their marriages, and relationships that are difficult for the rest of us to imagine. All we see is what’s on the surface: sculpted bodies, victory celebrations, and photos in celebrity magazines of professional athletes with their families. These men and women practice the same drills and exercises over and over again. They spend hours at the gym every day. They run and they bike. Every day. They pay attention to how today’s workout was a better workout than yesterday’s, and obsess about their diet and all things related to good health so they can beat out the competition. Professional athletes work toward perfection and are well aware that it does not come easy. They punish their bodies and train their minds to go further and push harder. Food, calories, time, and other interests are sacrificed to achieve the greater goal. I do think much in the world of sports training is extreme, but there are still very good lessons we can all learn. Not giving up when we fail to achieve our goals the first go-round is one of those lessons. It will take work, discipline, and good old stick-to-itiveness. I teach classes at the University of Tampa, and every semester two or three students drop my class after our first meeting— you know, the one where we talk about the workload and my expectations. I don’t want to scare students away, but I have to stress that in my classroom, work is required. The work will be manageable for students who have the ability to 19

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work through obstacles, and I stress that they don’t have to run away from them. They understand that in the end, learning more and having a wider view of the world is worth what it takes to do the work. Others are scared that they won’t be able to keep up. I work hard to encourage them to hang in there. I want to show them proof at the end of the semester that they were able to do it and they did do it, even though it took a special effort. I know of no other way to improve at anything than to focus and practice. After all, it is the way most people we all admire get to where they are. Becoming good at something is not easy or fast. Time and time again, we see that with some work, effort, and practice, almost anyone can improve at anything. Throw in some desire and maybe even a healthy level of competition, and anything is possible. Big dreams require big work!

Help is out there. If you have an opportunity to examine your upbringing and be truly honest with yourself about who you are, by all means take advantage of it. Take the chance. Try to explore and dispel the myth that you are forever tarnished because of the acts of others. Do it by yourself or with professional help—I promise that it will be worth it. And in time, you might be the voice someone else needs to hear in order to understand the complexity of their baggage. What matters is where you want to go. Take small steps. Listen to your inner voice, and be true to what it is saying. The social consequences of being real will be a bit uncomfortable at times, but it will get easier and feel right. You might lose some friends in the process, but as you may have realized by now, those losses are necessary if you are to grow. True friends do not walk out when you decide to be who you are. They will support your efforts.

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Your days of pretending will be over when you are true to who you are, no matter where you came from. Start with baby steps, and in no time you’ll be free of the burden.

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Let’s Get Started Before you go on to the next chapter, try to answer these questions as honestly and completely as you can. (Take at least 15 minutes for this.) 1. What would you like to change? Your social graces? Your listening skills? Your shyness? How can you improve on that for your future? 2. What are you proud of about your family or the way you were raised? How can you incorporate that into your life now? 3. What embarrasses you the most about your family or upbringing? Can you identify the root cause of your embarrassment? 4. Can you change or fix what embarrasses you? Can you examine these things and then leave them as a part of your valued past, accepting that they are no longer relevant to your life? Should you speak to someone professionally to overcome this? 5. List three examples of what you have overcome about your past or upbringing. 1. 2. 3. 6. In what ways are you susceptible to media influence? How can you minimize that effect?

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Chapter 3

Your Strengths and Weaknesses

Get to know your weaknesses. Your strengths are obvious, but your weaknesses are not. They’ll show up eventually! It doesn’t take long for most of us to recognize what we are good at. Take athletic ability, for example: Because stats are kept and there is usually some level of spectating, it’s pretty obvious to see how one athlete stacks up against the others and which athletes are weaker in which areas. If you have ever been involved in dance, debate, or music or you are the next great whatever, you have likely faced some level of competition yourself. Competition is not always fair or objective, but it is one way to see what we are good at and what our skills are.

Good is great, but what about the not-so-good stuff? And why does it matter? As an educator, I am not as worried about what my students do well on as I am about what I can do to help them improve in areas of weaker competence. This is the area for real growth and development, and this is the area we tend to ignore, go around, avoid, fail to focus on, and sometimes even deny.

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Doing something well makes you feel good, and you might get positive reinforcement from others (which will make you feel even better). But if you don’t do well, it can be your greatest teacher. At about halfway through a teaching semester, I sit down privately with each one of my students to review their grades. I do this to give them insight into how they can work to improve their grade. It sometimes ends with a student in tears, because the student has no choice but to see, in black and white, exactly what the situation is: how many classes they missed, grades on a range of progress, and the state of the grade. Often they feel dejected, frustrated, unhappy, angry, and overwhelmed. Using the student’s grade as a benchmark, I try to explain how this discomfort is actually an invitation to improve—an opportunity to choose to make it better. In black and white terms, I show them how coming to class can make a difference; that reading the assignment matters; that communicating with the professor is important; and that paying attention to the details of homework can make a difference to their grade. Often, the student tears up, promises to do better, begs for extra credit, tries to cajole, and makes excuses for their lack of attention. Most students leave worried. Here’s the amazing part: Few students accept the invitation to grow! Recently, I had two very capable young women sit down with me midway through the semester. One asked me very directly, “If I start attending class and do all my class assignments and homework, can I improve beyond my current failing grade?” I told her that if she kept in very close communication with me by asking questions in order to understand the assignments and she committed to doing all the other things I suggested, she could indeed, at a minimum, pass my class and graduate on time. She made very few improvements, and actually got a well-deserved failing grade. She will not graduate as planned, and neither will her

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classmate. These students and others before them failed to accept the consequences of their choices, despite being made aware of them. Sometimes the consequences were significant.

Look at the weak side. Everyone wants the benefits of freedom, but in order to be independent and enjoy success on your own terms, you have to take full and personal responsibility for your actions. If you are to know and enjoy the company of others and be free to grow into whatever you want to be, you must learn that your actions and inactions are really at the heart of what matters. Identifying what you have not accomplished or mastered is the best roadmap for turning that around. The decision to do that work (and it must be on a conscious level) is the only thing I’ve ever seen that can reverse your fortune. You must look, identify, and focus on all the yuck stuff, and break it into small bites to un-learn and re-learn. And then you must move on. This is much harder to do than it is to write about, but trust me: avoiding and ignoring your “stuff” will not move you forward. I once had a young employee who spoke often about her parents’ controlling natures. She was a college graduate and was very capable in her work, but she was frustrated at not getting the support and approval from her parents. They didn’t like her boyfriend, they thought she spent too much money, and they had decided that she wasn’t religious enough. She knew every detail of their criticisms! It made no sense to me. This was a very accomplished young woman with a record of achievement and success at the university level before she came to work with me. She had all the superficial stuff, too, such as looks and nice clothes. After working together for a while, it became quite clear to me that this lack of parental support had affected her self-confidence. She suffered from

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panic attacks and severe social anxiety, and it scared me on a personal level to see her denigrate who she was, how she looked, and what she was about. As I came to know this young woman better, I discovered that while she truly could not stand her parents interfering and giving her so much negative feedback, she also could not get out from under them because she lived at home. I once asked her why she’d chosen at her age to live at home, given the toll it was taking on her mental and emotional health. She talked about the benefits of the big house, and explained that her parents traveled and weren’t around all the time and she didn’t have to pay rent, utilities, or even her credit card bills. She thought they would even pay for the nose job she wanted so badly (though her nose was perfect). Who could beat that? What she did not understand is that because her parents were essentially supporting her in their home, they had every right to call the shots. My young staffer wasn’t really ready to examine why the situation was the way it was. She didn’t want to closely inspect why her parents behaved as they did. If she did, it would mean she’d also have to look at her own role in the family dynamic. Did they really just not like her boyfriend? Or was it hearing about his gambling that caused the friction? Was she really spending too much money? Or was she just taking advantage? This young woman wasn’t really ready to give up the money part, so she had to live with the rest of it. Her mental and emotional well-being was bought for the price of material comforts. She had enough money to live on her own, but she was the one who made the decision to live at home, rather than grow up and take responsibility for who she was and how she lived. She is professional and competent, and able to get her work done neatly and on time. Her career is ascending, and she is still with the same boyfriend. I will know she is growing up

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when she tells me she is moving out, because this will show that she has accepted the “invitation” to learn how much she is capable of. I was quite fond of one young employee who worked for me for several years. She was diligent, professional, capable, and productive. However, she was not really tolerant of anyone who could not work at her pace. It caused problems with clients, because it manifested itself as impatience and snobbery. I had to break it to her that her demeanor and attitude might be destructive to her future ambitions. I told her that she had a choice: either deal with her weaknesses, or ignore them. (You have that same choice.) “Laura” chose to deal with her problem, so we made a plan. She admitted that patience was not her forte, so we explored why. As she shared her thoughts and feelings, she began to see her shortcomings. She admitted that she thought certain clients were being lazy and that she never considered the possibility that there were many demands on their time. Laura slowly grew to understand client perspectives, and was eventually able to forgive the small things that had frustrated her before. She took the time and energy to examine what she had been doing and correct it, and she no longer got angry when a client was late for a deadline. She accepted responsibility, took the time to look at her own role in the situation, found a solution, and moved on. Laura eventually left our firm to take a job with one of our clients, and she continues to grow. I am so proud of her, because I know what her benchmark was.

Pay attention to what is going on with you. Notice when something hurts, doesn’t feel right, or feels too bad or too good. Find the time and take the time to be honest with yourself.

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Pace yourself. Young people who have very high expectations often become frustrated when change does not happen quickly. Some just give up. Slow down and focus on the small steps you are making toward breaking a habit or changing a behavior. Closely examine the consequences of your actions. Here’s an example of what I mean. Let’s say you want to stop biting your nails. Lots of your friends have this habit, don’t they? They try all kinds of things to stop. Some paint terribletasting chemicals on the nail tips, while others cover the nails with band-aids so they won’t be able to get at the nails. These and other tactics don’t seem to work, despite the best of intentions. The nail biting continues, no matter how hard they try to stop. Why is it so hard? The habit probably started out of anxiety or boredom, and before you realized it, the habit had taken strong hold of you. Habits are like that: Breaking them means taking control of them. I think of personal weaknesses in the same way. You have to grab the controls. Habitual tardiness is also a common problem, but remember: the individual chooses to be late, either by not planning the day or by not disciplining himself or herself to arrive on time. People who are habitually tardy create all kinds of problems for others: meeting time is lost, flights are missed, and so on. You can damage your reputation because of these choices, because colleagues will lose their sense of trust and confidence in you. Sometimes, the consequences are severe. When my sons worked part time for me, I had to fire both of them for tardiness. One thought that 9:30 a.m. was a good time to arrive at the office, despite a 9:00 a.m. start time for everyone else. Even then, he came in with breakfast that he “needed to eat” before he got to the pile of work on his desk. My other son

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thought that it would also be okay if he were a little late, since he was “tired.” They were only teenagers, but I had already warned them about these bad work habits. Their failure to accept the rules cost them their jobs with me. They eventually figured things out, and today they arrive on time (as far as I know). At least they do when I am around! Consequences can be costly. Failing to identify and address weaknesses or shortcomings might have financial repercussions, but more significant is when we lose self-esteem, the respect of our colleagues and peers, knowledge, or a promotion. If things are not going your way, take a step back and examine why. If you are truly honest with yourself, you’ll probably realize that your current circumstances are the consequence of ignoring a habit or weakness that needed attention or of immaturity. Maybe the problem calls for plain old start-from-scratch change. Take a few minutes to fill out the short self-assessment that follows on the next page before you go to the next chapter.

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A Quick Self-Assessment Start looking at yourself right now. Don’t wait. What are obvious areas of your life you can strengthen, beginning now? List three. 1. 2. 3. How can you make these changes? List ways to begin. Each one should start with the words “Pay attention when I am . . .” Acknowledging that you have a problem is half the battle. Pay attention when I am . . . Pay attention when I am . . . Pay attention when I am . . . Are there others who can coach or mentor you in these areas? List each weakness you identified and the name of a possible coach or mentor. Then call and ASK FOR HELP. Weakness

Possible coach or mentor

1. 2. 3.

(continued)

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Chapter 3: Your Strengths and Weaknesses A Quick Self-Assessment (concluded)

List some of the consequences you have suffered because you have not addressed your weaker side. 1. 2. 3. Remind yourself of the rewards for taking an active role in getting to know your weaknesses. 1. 2. 3. List things that you have done to change things that needed changing. 1. 2. 3.

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Chapter 4

How will you know where you really want to be?

Of all the questions or topics I’m asked about, this has to be the top vote-getter: “How can I find out where I want to be, and when will I know?” I don’t have a crystal ball to look into your future, but I do have some tried-and-true tactics that will eventually lead you to where you are meant to be. They’re not magic and they won’t work as quickly as you’d like, but if you are willing to think (as well as make some mistakes), you can figure out the answer. Young men as a rule don’t ask me this question, but young women do. The guys are eager to know where they ought to be, but do seem to feel more comfortable wondering out loud about their future, and might be more aware of what happens when someone forces himself or herself into a career that isn’t right for them. And they are thinking about their future. I don’t intend this book to be about the mysteries of the X and Y chromosomes, but I do see a trend in young men to want to find inspiring work instead of a “good” (code for well-paying) job. This is promising news in the long run for all of us. As a wife and ex-wife, I know how much men invest themselves in

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who they are and what they do, and how much a man’s sense of self is tied to what he does for a living. I am the mother and stepmother of sons, and I want all young men to know the intrinsic joy of doing something they like and find meaningful. If you do what you enjoy, the rewards will follow. Remember that. For some reason, young women feel pressured to know what they want their lives to be now. I have known only a handful of young people who had a clear vision of their calling early on. Most do not. Give yourself permission to stop pressuring yourself! What makes you think you should know all things at all times? Give yourself the conceptual space and freedom to be open to learning. Participate and ask questions, but stop thinking that as soon as you graduate, you will or should know. That comes with life experience and further education.

Career paths are rarely straight lines. Think of your professional life as a work in progress. When you started college, you came in as one person, seeing life through one prism. I doubt that you felt the same after four years of undergraduate work and a few life experiences. You grew, changed, and adapted. Sometimes you made a conscious effort to do so, and sometimes you just accepted that you were different—more evolved. Discovering where you are meant to be will take time and selfexamination. Most of the interesting people I know found their way via a series of small events that seemed unimportant at the time. Pay attention to everything around you, and don’t miss what is in front of you. Living too far in the future is dangerous because you will likely fail to recognize those opportunities that lie right under your nose. By the same token, look ahead.

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Don’t be afraid to dream out loud (or at least out loud in your own mind!). You have real power: the power of allowing yourself to peek into what your core dreams are. It is real. And don’t allow others to decide for you! This is your life, and no one understands, plans, or even knows it like you do. No one.

Where will you go? One of my favorite mentors had planned as a young girl to be a ballerina and dance professionally. Today, she runs the entertainment division of a theme park company whose name you would surely recognize. She truly loved to dance, but came to realize that she had a real talent for performing and has the unique ability to spot and train other talented performers in other areas. She was honest with herself, and realized that her petite 5' 2" frame was not the body type preferred by top ballet companies. She stayed with the theme park for decades, but in the meantime honed her skills and moved up within the organization to a position that was the right fit for her interests, her talents, and her experience. Later on, she became a mentor to other women who were searching for support and inspiration. She became who she was meant to be, but only because early on she put in the effort to understand her real abilities and potential. Another one of my favorite mentors began her professional career as a model. Still a striking beauty in the over-60 age bracket, she rose to be the CEO of an international fashion house that is among the crème de la crème of the couture world. Smarter than some were willing to give her credit for, my friend learned the business of fashion and was realistic about the life span of a model’s career. She didn’t deny

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the short-term nature of the typical modeling career, but instead took advantage of it. She watched and asked questions, and in a relatively short time, what she had learned about the industry helped her earn the respect and admiration of her peers and competitors. Now retired, she shares her wisdom and guidance with me as I continue to grow and find my own way. What a gift. Still another mentor got her start in the consumer goods industry via a powerhouse hair-care brand. Today, she owns her own small business and is changing the face of pediatric cancer research. This important work came out of her personal experience raising a young daughter who had been diagnosed with cancer. My friend decided that she could change her corner of the world by raising money and awareness. A single parent who works long hours, she managed to put together a brain trust of some of the brightest minds in our country for pediatric cancer research. She is living the life she created and chose. You will probably never see her name in lights, but her work has been highlighted in medical publications. The beauty of her life is that she has zero desire for a position in the media. She is making the world a better place, and that is what she is focused on. She has the energy and the desire to move in the direction of her calling. It is far from what she imagined her life would be, but it is clearly where she is meant to be.

Start your own reality check-up now. Take the time to get in touch with what you are good at doing. Guys as a rule don’t have a problem with this, but young women, on the other hand, do. Young women tend to undervalue their unique contributions with messages like these:

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Oh, that was a volunteer thing! That was just a part-time gig. I had to do that for a school project. You can’t make a living at that! (my personal favorite) You can make a living at almost anything you love enough. I have friends who are writers, artists, social entrepreneurs, and wallpaper makers, and they created their lives from scratch. Conversely, I have known young men who claimed mastery over a wide range of topics, but struggled with how to get started or how to launch their “big idea.” Totally normal. It is overwhelming! Just change your perspective and look at things from a different angle. I once had a student who was sure he wanted to work for an ad agency, and he was talented enough to make it happen. I set up an interview for him before he graduated, and he never showed. I assume it was because he was afraid. I felt a sense of loss for this young man, because he definitely had the talent and the potential and I would have given him strong consideration for a job. I later heard through other students that he moved back home to the northeast and went to work in the family business—something he swore he’d never do. I haven’t given up on him, though. I still believe he can change his direction—but only if he wants to and is willing to work for it.

Now let’s talk about you. What are you good at? What do you enjoy? What do you naturally gravitate toward? Don’t just think about now—think back to your younger self and what you did back then. Maybe you had a way with animals or could sail a boat with ease. 37

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Maybe you always had a lemonade stand in the neighborhood. Maybe you were a math wiz, or the best set designer in the neighborhood for backyard plays. Or maybe you loved those science projects I dreaded! Did you love to write, draw, or solve problems? Did you help your friends make their dreams come true in a behind-the-scenes way? Without a doubt, I am sure you have or can rekindle some kind of interest you had way back when. Well, grab hold of it and turn it into a professional pursuit. And stop doubting yourself! Find people who will inspire and encourage you, and stay away from those who tell you it can’t be done. If Martha Stewart can make a fortune convincing people that homemaking is alluring, you can find your way, too! She turned a field of study that many poked fun at for years into a dreamy pursuit, and made us all feel a little more able and capable. She brought respectability back to homemakers in a way that was long overdue, and became a brand that is known all over the world. A young woman I will call Mary Margaret loved animals as a child, and grew to enjoy and value the outdoor world and nature. She camped, ran, and hiked, and wanted to be a veterinarian. Eventually, she combined her love of animals with her love of the outdoors, and went on to major in zoology. When she graduated, she called me to ask if I could help open a door for her because she had set her sights on marine mammals and wanted to train whales. I was happy to do so because I had known her for a long time and was fond of her. I knew of her love for the outdoors, and I admired her physical abilities, moral character, and integrity. I knew I could proudly recommend her for consideration, and that she would do the rest. Long before she entered college, Mary Margaret impressed me with her willingness and desire to live a full life on her own terms. She did not become a whale trainer instantly, or even overnight. She worked hard to get physically stronger, and she 38

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put in the extra time watching and studying animals and their trainers. She showed her commitment by agreeing to work additional hours and crazy shifts. Her respect for the job, the trainers, and the animals was demonstrated every day. And when she needed help, she asked for it. Mary Margaret’s job training marine mammals is the dream job for many young women, but she is one of the very few who achieved it. She did it by maximizing her natural interests and putting her college studies to work. She pursued her interests all through college, volunteering at animal shelters and taking an active interest in the natural world around her. Mary Margaret had plenty of friends and dated, but she did not allow anyone to distract her from her dream.

Expect it to be difficult—you’ll be ahead of the pack. I want to be clear about something: Success and the dream job do not just “happen.” It takes hard work (harder than what “just a job” requires), and it takes sacrifice. Instead of watching TV, you’ll have to read journals and books in the field, perhaps learn a second language, find a mentor, or take a graduate class. But you must be honest with yourself and assess what you are willing to pay or give up in order to live the life of your dreams and have a career or job you believe you are meant to have. I’ll wager that if you plan and execute well, the rewards will come and life will get easier. But hear me clearly: There is no shortcut for the hard work it takes to find out where you are meant to be. There is no easy way, but there will be times when it feels so good, you’ll hardly notice what you’re giving up along the way. Give yourself some credit for the 20 or so years you have already lived. I guarantee that you have been good at something or taken more than a casual interest in something. What have people told you that you were good at doing, being, 39

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creating? What made you feel peaceful, content, or fulfilled when you were in the middle of it (when maybe others couldn’t understand why or how you could spend hours doing it)? It’s there. Just go back and find it again. Ask yourself how you might turn that interest, talent, or knack into a professional life that pays in personal and professional satisfaction, as well as financial compensation. Go in that direction. You might not have a specific target at first, and that’s okay. Just experiment to find what suits you best. But GO!

Take Chances It’s never too late to create or take advantage of opportunities to do internships or volunteer work in fields you are interested in, even slightly. Rather than just fill a slot, be the judge of what is the best fit for you. The main point I want to make is not to automatically go for a job someone else created, but to at least consider creating your own. You be the judge of what is the best fit for you. Just dream big. If you want to make horseshoes, do some research and find someone who will teach you—someone who will let you hang around and clean up. If no one in your town makes horseshoes, find out if family or friends know someone in their town or city who does, and go there. Offer to be an extra hand for the summer, and learn as much as you can. You will get life experience, as well as knowledge about your field of interest. We have an “adopted” African student who has become a part of our family. Our oldest son George met Stanley one summer while he was interning in Zimbabwe, and eventually we were able to help him come to the United States to play soccer in college. This had been a long-term life-changing dream of 40

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Stanley’s. His family scraped the money together to help him, and he finally arrived in sunny Florida with their full blessing. He came home from college in Tennessee one summer to be with us and work a landscaping job. Where he is from, they don’t have landscaping, but Stanley was happy to learn a new skill. He was also used to the heat, but he wasn’t used to getting up at the crack of dawn and having to wear the type of clothing needed for protection from the sun and machinery. He was also not used to work, because there aren’t any jobs for teens in Zimbabwe. But Stanley seized the chance. One day he came home dead tired and achy, and I sat down with him to relax. He began to talk about his life in general. “One thing I know is this,” he told me. “I am grateful for this job, and I am especially happy to make enough to help my family back in Bulawayo. But I will be looking for an air-conditioned job when I graduate from college!” I laughed out loud, and so did he. But I was most grateful that he chose to learn from the experience, rather than complain or look for easier jobs in the summer. He is eternally grateful that his employer took on a kid with no experience and no knowledge about the equipment. He showed up everyday with a strong body, ready to do what was needed to get the job done. He also has the will to improve his life. He didn’t have much else at the time, but it was just what was needed to get the job done. I am so grateful that our son met Stanley and campaigned to get him over here. He helped improve his life and that of his family, and this is a noble effort. Who says youth can’t change the world? You CAN change it, and you can do so in ways that fit your interests and the life you want to live.

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An Action Plan in 7 Steps The hardest part of doing something new or different is the beginning. Here are seven steps to get you started thinking about where you want to go in life. 1. Commit to your dreams in writing. Use your journal or note the details in your online diary. A journal is best, because someday you might want to pull it all out and put it into a book. Just put your dreams into words, and date it. Update it and read what you’ve written as often as you can. 2. Find some quiet time and space, and mentally go back to your younger years. Can you recall two or three strengths or interests that show a pattern or common theme? • • • 3. Now list jobs or career areas where these strengths could be used or would be considered an asset. • • • 4. What are you willing to change or sacrifice in order to get into this area or line of work? Be specific. • • •

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Chapter 4: How will you know where you really want to be? An Action Plan in 7 Steps (concluded)

5. List at least three that will help you get moving on this. • • • 6. List the names of specific individuals you can go to for help, inspiration, advice, introductions, or knowledge. Try for six or more, and note what kind of help they might be able to offer. • • • • • • 7. Write down a date when you will promise yourself to have made at least some of these things happen. Example: Within 30 days from today or by ______, 2009, I will . . . FINALLY… Go back and read these notes every day, until you have completed each actionable objective. Copy them and put them into your PDA or any other high-tech or low-tech device where you’ll be able to access them easily.

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And now let’s take a look at your options. You do have them, you know! Let’s decide what sacrifices you are willing to make, and which ones you will not make.

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Chapter 5

Sacrifices

Let me say this right up front, because it is important for many reasons: I believe with all my heart that you, my reader, can do anything you truly want to do. And I mean anything. But in an effort to get there, you will also have to make sacrifices. All along the way, you will be asking yourself: Do I really want this? Sometimes you will, and sometimes you won’t. But either way, I suggest that you give it some thought now, before other people get too involved in your dream and before you make too many mistakes right off the bat. Decide what sacrifices you will make (and you will make some). Sacrifices are a part of the deal if you intend to be better than good at whatever it is you want to achieve. That’s just reality. You must be willing to do what it takes. Whatever it takes. Obviously, the harder you work, the greater your chance of success. This is not obvious to many young people. Yes, it helps to have connections, but it is still not enough by itself. Work is always going to be required for any kind of long-term success, and work means sacrifice. You might have to give up

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a relationship, move across the country, take jobs you don’t feel like doing, move laterally in the organization in order to have a chance to move up—you get the picture.

Before you graduate . . . Give some thought to what you’ll have to sacrifice, but do it before graduation. When you begin the interviewing process, the subject of relocation is bound to come up in some form or another. Many young people do not see relocating as a sacrifice until they pack up their belongings and begin to deal with a moving company. Or they have to move themselves (which is often the case these days). Waving goodbye to friends and family is not as easy as one might imagine. Technology helps us stay in touch, but leaving all that is familiar to you is not going to be fun. It is a personal sacrifice that says I am willing to commit to this in a big way, despite the personal losses. The losses are very real, but they are a part of the sacrifice picture. And to make things more complicated, they are also worth it. You will have to learn to get from here to there—you know, find out where to shop for groceries and where to get your hair cut. You will also have to make new friends and make a living. Along the way, you’ll experience a sense of loss and loneliness, and you will feel frustrated that all does not flow as smoothly as it did when you were home. Ask yourself if the job you’re applying or interviewing for is a job you want. Do you feel prepared to take it on? And is it part of your grander plan (which we all agree is a fluid plan that will change at any time)? If all things look “right,” then I say go for it.

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Will it be easy? No. Will it be fun? Sometimes. Will it open your world? Yes, but only if you let it. Many a miserable young person has moved away from home, only to think up a million reasons later on why it isn’t working out. Many times, it has more to do with attitude than anything else. Just tell yourself right off the bat that something big (like moving) is not going to be easy. You can do anything you want to do, if you are willing to make some sacrifices. Some years ago, my kids went off to live in New York City, and I remember them saying how lonely the city could be at times. They were surrounded by people, but often felt homesick for the familiar. They both made it just fine once they admitted their feelings and worked through them. Anywhere can seem lonely when you are trying to find your way. It is usually a temporary feeling, so don’t give in to it. Work through it and see what time brings. Even if you eventually decide that a certain place is not the right place for you, you will have learned so much more if you refuse to give in to the early pangs of Wait—this isn’t perfect!

How much is enough? Every job will require something from you over and above the work. Corporate jobs are often extremely demanding of your time. Most jobs require you to do a range of things, from making coffee in the morning to writing reports and proposals. You might have to learn things and perform duties you aren’t crazy about. We had an Italian exchange student who went to work in the fashion industry in New York City after he finished his master’s degree in Italy. He began the fashion job as an intern, and was outraged when he was asked to make coffee as part of 47

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his duties. He called to tell us how unfair the treatment had been, and was shocked when we did not agree with him. Certain decisions must be calculated for sure, but a young (and foreign) intern must find a way to differentiate himself from the pack—fetching or making coffee is one way to do it. Look at each situation carefully to determine the possible gains and losses. The act of sacrificing one’s pride to make coffee for everybody else will be the right thing for one person and not right for another. Back in my early career days, I made an intentional decision not to learn to type. Many women believed back in the late 1970s that learning to type implied that your skills and ambitions were mainly secretarial or clerical. I was a college graduate, after all—I’m going to have someone type for me! And I did, for quite awhile. Then one day computers became real and secretaries became almost obsolete. I was writing more and more, and I began to see the need to learn how to type. I could have learned years before, but I had stubbornly refused. Not only did I have to teach myself, but it was embarrassing to have to learn such a thing when everyone around me already knew how to do it. To this day, I am a terrible typist, but I have certainly learned to compensate. Typing is an absolute must in my world, and I cannot imagine what my stubbornness cost me in terms of time and frustration. When you have the opportunity to learn a new skill, do it sooner rather than later. It will not be as painful, and the sacrifice won’t be as great. Trust me on this. My thinking was flawed anyway. Positioning myself for “appearance” purposes (in my case, not learning how to type) is bound to end up in the not-so-smart category. Learning is good. Take in as much as you can when you have the opportunity, and save yourself the agony of having to learn the hard way.

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But what if you really decide you don’t want to make sacrifices? That is fine, too—but be very aware of the consequences, and think them through with someone you admire and respect. Here’s an example of why it is important to be willing to do what it takes, even when you’d rather be doing something else: Almost everyone I know who excels at what they do had to make some sacrifices in the beginning. They did it to learn the job and become what I call “job literate,” instead of just taking up space in the office. Maybe you have to sit at your desk after everyone else has gone home. Maybe you have to read more than your professional colleagues, attend extra training classes, ask more questions, or put in more time outside the office to grow your knowledge base. Working after everyone else goes home is the kind of sacrifice that will pay off in the long run. When I went to work for Procter and Gamble right out of college, I had no idea what I was in for. I was a criminology major with a minor in women’s studies, and there was no model for people like me. The majority of people hired into the P&G executive management training program back then were business majors. I was hired because of what was later explained to me as a “successful history of campus leadership”—something the company valued. Procter and Gamble did not have too many women in the program, so I felt extra responsibility to do well on behalf of women everywhere. To me, that meant trying to distinguish myself while also trying to fit in. I was a pretty adamant feminist back then, but I got along well with the men I worked with. It has served me well, I think. I remember being overwhelmed by the business terminology at Procter and Gamble, as well as the company’s planning. I had zero knowledge and experience with either of these things, but I knew I had to learn—not only to survive in the job, but also because I wanted to be more than just good. I wanted to learn everything there was about the grocery business: packaging,

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branding, and sales. I learned how to write a business plan, and that knowledge has served me well time and again. I spent long hours reading, learning, and thinking about how to stand out from the rest of the management trainees. P&G taught me about the importance of hard work and the benefits associated with sacrificing. I learned that a nonbusiness-major can learn business if he or she wants to. I also learned what true leadership is. I clearly remember my manager at P&G telling me that his job was to make me successful. He took painstaking time and energy with me, which I needed, and he showed me that a real leader inspires others. I lost touch with this man over the years, but his words have stayed with me. Helping others find their way is a significant part of what I enjoy in my work, and it all started with his commitment to helping me.

Your Personal Life If you want to do well (anything above average), your personal time will have to be sacrificed. You will have to give up TV to keep up with professional journals, books, and papers. You will not make the Happy Hour circuit a good amount of the time, and you will need to spend off hours at the office or on your computer at home. Your friends will chide you, you will have to get your boyfriend/girlfriend to be supportive, and you will need self-discipline. A social event will look much more attractive than a stack of reading or a table of numbers you need to decipher for an early-morning meeting. Until, that is, it’s time for the meeting . . . I advise my students to remember all this when they are out there dating. Finding the right partner for the career and the life you want is not going to be easy. If jealousy and conflict over the issue of time is a problem now, it will surely multiply in the future. If your significant other finds it difficult to give 50

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you “space” or you have a problem giving your partner his or her space, you will feel a frustration and perhaps resentment that is sure to sabotage any chance at a successful future— business or personal. Like all things, work time vs. personal time must be negotiated in a relationship. Sacrificing in order to achieve what you want professionally is part of the game, but understand that the allconsuming, damn-the-personal-life extreme is not a good thing either. Workaholics pay a very stiff price to achieve, and they are usually not very happy or healthy. It is entirely possible to find balance: To have a meaningful personal life AND a career that demands more than a 9-to-5 commitment. It just takes a while to get there.

Family A colleague I knew was on the fast track at a large and nationally known public relations firm in Chicago. She was performing well enough at work to get a promotion, but she often fretted over nanny schedules and her own time commitments. Commuting to work took time, and she thought every day about the time she was spending away from home. This young woman was valuable enough that the firm looked the other way when she couldn’t always keep to an 8 a.m.–5 p.m. office schedule, but she still felt the pressure. After her husband graduated with his master’s degree, they made a decision that required a significant financial sacrifice: she would work part time. They eventually moved to Korea so he could accept a better job, and she eventually stopped working professionally. When it counted, though, she made concessions and worked on her balancing act. It is no longer just women making these choices and sacrificing their career for their family. I know a male history teacher at an all-boys Catholic school who made the courageous decision to 51

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leave his job and take on the role of full-time stay-at-home dad. The goal was to allow time for his wife to complete her Ph.D. and establish her career as a psychologist. He heard the chit chat around town about his decision, but it didn’t matter. He was comfortable with the decision and was prepared to accept the consequences in order to raise his children. I think this is the essence of what the feminist movement was all about: choosing the life you want, instead of living the life you know.

What am I saying? You thought this book was about getting a head start on your career, didn’t you? Well, it is. After you think about all these questions I’ve raised, you just might find out that the life you started out wanting will not be where you end up, because the sacrifices won’t be worth it. Will it mean you are a loser? No. Less than above-average? Not at all. It might just mean the opposite: You might end up choosing a more-authentic way that is right for you. Even so, the principles I am laying down will remain the same.

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Questions to Think About What have you always dreamed of being or becoming?

Are you aware of what sacrifices might be needed, in order for you to be successful?

In what kinds of ways will you have to sacrifice, if you are to achieve success?

How much extra (time, travel, moving, reading, etc.) will it take to get the career you want and then to do well at it?

Where will you find the extra time?

Can you be honest with important people in your life about what this goal will take?

Will they support your efforts? (Who will? Who won’t?)

Is it important that they do so?

If they won’t support you, are you willing to move forward anyway?

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Chapter 6

Are you looking for a career, or a job?

What is the difference between a career and a job? Most people assume that a career is what the well-educated pursue, while a “job” is a place to work where you have to punch a time clock. A job that pays by the hour tends to call for less commitment than the omnipotent career might, but like everything in life, there are shades of gray.

Are careers for life? Recent studies are showing some interesting trends about career employment. Women, for example, are making significant career changes in midlife. Many women appear to be abandoning the profession they entered after college and entering a new one that is more meaningful to them. Some women are moving from small organizations to larger ones (or the reverse), or leaving the business world for non-profit work. Still others are starting their own businesses or taking highpowered jobs in the corporate world. Studies also indicate that many men are seeking work that is meaningful rather than profitable. These are trends, and they are not necessarily indicative of sweeping changes. However, you have no doubt seen some of these changes play out in your own community. 55

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Young people have so many more choices than their parents had. You are much better equipped than their generation was to enter the professional world, and you can be more deliberative about the jobs you take on your path toward professional success.

Internships I believe very strongly in internships as a means of testing the waters. In some fields, such as teaching, it is required. I think it is a wonderful idea. Not only does it give you practical experience, but it also provides a safe environment in which to assess your own skills and sharpen them. The most impressive students from my standpoint are the ones who seek out and invent their own internships. One student came to me with an idea to propose doing an internship at a small retail store that she admired from a distance. This student was already on the right track, but she wanted my advice on how she might construct such a proposal. She did all the work, and not only did she get the internship she created for herself, but she got paid for it, too. These days, being paid to intern (and learn) is a luxury, but it’s a good idea to try to get something in addition to experience (classroom credit, at the very least). Be the first to propose it if it is not being done at your university. But let’s assume you have already graduated and have not been able to obtain a career-entry position in the field you want. The concept is still the same: If you are interested in investment banking, go get a regular job with a regular bank at first. Ask people about their own experiences, and learn what you can learn from others. Read some good books on how investment banking works, and go apply for a part-time internship at an investment-banking firm while you are learning more about the industry. If there is no internship, create one and propose it to the individual who will be making 56

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the decision. Don’t give up if you get turned down: Keep trying, and edge closer and closer to the entry-level position you want. You will eventually break through if you are willing to persist and sacrifice. You may have to jump through extra hoops and take on extra preparation, but if you really want to be an investment banker, an opportunity will open up for you. If you want to be a writer, understand right off the bat that it is almost impossible to make a living at full-time writing. Take a part-time or full-time position for your local newspaper, or offer to write occasional pieces. Write as much as possible and be open to growing and nurturing your work, no matter how old you are. Take the most demanding courses that stretch you, and try to sell your work along the way. If your skills are strong, there are many other ways to get experience. Just go for it. Whatever the field, find a professor who is willing to help you find an entry-level position. Get on the Internet and research possibilities. If you put yourself out there with an internship or a job that is somehow related to where you hope to be, you will distinguish yourself from everyone else who is competing with you. You will have the ever-elusive experience employers want (most don’t care if your first job is paid or non-paid). Just get out there and find something to do that is related to your longterm goal. Start now. Should you take any old job at first, in order to get to the career you want? This tactic has long been debated, but it can work. My advice is to wait it out and go for the entry-level career spot, if for no other reason than the fact that you will not be wasting time in a position that doesn’t help you attain your long-term goal. A plain old job (as opposed to an entry-level position in your chosen field) might be necessary later on if you go through a life change and can’t be totally focused on a career (when you are in grad school, changing careers, raising a family, writing a book, traveling the world, and so on), but you need to pick up quick cash. 57

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A plain old job might fit your lifestyle better than a career position. If you need the money and can’t afford to wait, take the job. Just proceed very carefully, and consider telling the interviewer that you are interested in a career option. The company might have a hire-from-within philosophy, so be mindful of your goals. The right opportunity will come along; make sure you ask the right questions and talk about your goals with whomever is making the decision to hire. That way, no one will be surprised when you leave for the better opportunity. And no matter what job you take, be the best at it. Make yourself indispensable! That will truly lead to good things. (And no, you will not get stuck in that job, as long as you prove you can think.) With a career position, you will no doubt be expected to have more education, expertise, and time. You will often have to take work home, and you’ll be expected to think about your work outside the regular working hours. A “job” won’t demand all this from you, but that is no excuse to goof off or take it less seriously. In fact, if you set up lazy habits in your “job life,” you will probably feel the consequences in your career life. Lazy is lazy. Now, about the work ethic you’ve heard so much about. No matter what you do from here on, people will expect you to have honesty, integrity, and good work habits. You will be expected to show up when you say you will. You will be expected to take your role seriously and commit to the duties and responsibilities you signed up for. If you are working as a part-time babysitter, the parents of those children expect you to live up to a code of conduct, even if it is just a part-time job. If you are working a retail job while also working your way through college, store managers will expect you to show up on time and be properly dressed. Good habits are good habits. You never know where they will take you! Maybe you will impress someone at the “job” who can help with your career. Maybe you will find a new passion that you never

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thought of at this “job.” Each work experience has value, so take full advantage of what every paid or unpaid work experience has to offer. Ultimately, you get to decide the right fit for you at any given time.

Sometimes a job will lead you to a career. A young woman I know was originally headed for a teaching career, but found her way to fashion when she took a retail job to make money for college. I know another who wanted a culinary career, but found out through an internship that what she really loves is to write about food. Another young woman worked as a part-time retail clerk and discovered her love of accounting only after she had to take inventory. An open mind can work wonders. What you think is just an ordinary job can lead you to many places and opportunities. If you have no idea what you want to become, a job is the perfect place to get some practical experience and open your mind to possibilities within a given field of work. There are all kinds of jobs and career options within the retail industry that are not so obvious to the casual observer, such as merchandising, buying, and accounting. In the fashion industry alone, you have designing, sewing, pattern making, embroidering, floor design, textile work, industrial applications, real estate procurement, development, and so on. My point is that if you do not know what you want to be, get out there and try something different. Ask questions along the way. Don’t just accept a job—make the job work for you. Let it be more than just a place you go to put in your time. Learn something in the process. Ask questions of those around you (especially those who are respected in the field) who will be good resources for advice, guidance, and perhaps a reference. And don’t be the kind of employee who just takes up space.

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Learn as much as you can by doing as much as you can; you will be surprised at the dividends and amazed at the people who will help you get to the next step or help you find your way to the next opportunity.

Leaving a Career for a Job Some people have to step away from the demands of a career and go back to a job. I am reminded of friends and colleagues who chose less-demanding job roles to help sick or dying family members. Some made career changes in mid-life. A woman I know in the marketing department at a museum decided she wanted to change careers altogether and go to nursing school. She took a less-demanding job at the museum so she could devote her time to studying. She eventually earned her nursing degree and made the change to a full-time nursing career. Another friend who was a nurse gave up her career temporarily so she could care for her dying mother. She worked part time, and eventually went back to the moredemanding role she had before her mother became ill. Another colleague, a creative director, took up freelance writing when she had young children so she could work from home. She kept her hand in the industry, and when her children were older she resumed her career. When her children were in middle school, she left again and took freelance assignments so she could be at home in the afternoon. In every situation, there will be sacrifices and consequences, not all of which are ideal or comfortable. The loss of income is usually a serious consideration, but it is rarely the only consideration. Things like quality of life, personal contentment, and self-fulfillment are very strong values, and are frequently the most-powerful factors in the decision.

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Chapter 7

Make a Plan

“I don’t know what I want to do.” Without question, this is the most frequent fear I hear from young people these days. These words are code to me for “I am scared and a little terrified, and I need your help.” I can relate to this at a most primitive level. Let me tell you why. When I was a senior at Florida State University, I rarely slept a full night. Most nights, I roamed the halls of my sorority house, feeling incredibly alone and afraid. I was excited for what my life might mean in the long run, and I felt like I could make something of myself. But what? I had no idea whatsoever, and this terrified me. How could I not know where I wanted to go? After all, I was a senior in college, about to achieve one of my earliest dreams: a college degree in criminology that I paid for myself. Had my luck run out? After all, it had been so much fun up until now. I worked almost full-time while taking a full load of classes, and had to struggle. I seemed pretty capable, having the obligatory list of “good things I have accomplished” and a few accolades. I chose the right group of people to hang around with: smart women

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in that same sorority house who were unintentionally guiding me the way a parent might. I was without those resources, so I listened to these women. We were the same age, but they were far wiser in ways that I was only scratching the surface of. Their support, advice, values, and reasoning skills seemed to wrap me up in a safe and warm place, where I was able to make a decision that would eventually lead to one of the best lessons I ever learned: Go in the general direction of your dreams and what you are naturally good at doing. It will all work out.

Finding a Direction Let me relate how one young student found his direction. Like me, this young man had no parental support, no funds, and lots of debt. He had an even bigger problem, though: a girlfriend who wanted him to stay in the area after graduation, even though the job prospects here were not in his favor. He and I talked through his dilemma several nights after class. He came to understand that he had a choice to make, and that either way he chose, he was setting the course for his career (and by natural extension, his life). Neither choice was what we might call right or wrong, but whichever decision he made would set a general course for at least his next few years. His relationship with his girlfriend was troubled and had been rocky since its inception, but he was afraid of not having anyone else to turn to for help as he approached graduation, and she was there. In his mind, it looked a little like Well, at least I have her, and she is better than no one. He felt very alone at this important juncture of life, and he got comfort from the familiarity of the relationship, if not from the relationship itself.

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This young man’s professional goal was also complex. He loved music and had invested many years learning it, performing it, and applying business and marketing skills to it, but things had taken a dramatic turn: The other band members wanted to go their own way. Now, what? He had always assumed that music was his future. This student demonstrated significant ability in one of my classes, and his advertising copywriting work was better than good enough to get the attention of ad agencies. And if he went that route, he could stay local and keep the girlfriend happy, too. But what about him? He had to choose, and he did: to pursue his music career, no matter what.

Change Happens When you are working out your plan, you must accept the reality that things will change along the way. Your attitude about change will determine the final outcome. A few years ago, I remember hearing about a study that took a close look at people who had lived to be at least 100 years old. The study explored some of the factors that may have contributed to the participants’ longevity. Genetics plays a role, but the researchers also found that one of the defining factors for quality of life in this particular group of octogenarians was being able to cope with change. This group of very-senior citizens discovered somewhere along the way how to handle things that go wrong, and how to navigate their way back when they go off course. If there is anything I hope you remember from this book, it is exactly what that study said to me: Change is inevitable. Some changes will take you to new and better places, but change can also force you into dark and unknown territories. You cannot prevent it; this is what living is all about. We all experience change; some people’s lives are full of what seems 63

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to be catastrophic change, while other people live lives that seem charmed (from a distance). Most of us, however, live lives of steady but small changes. You get this class when you planned on getting that class. This professor enlightens you, but the other one deflates you. Your buddies don’t laugh at your golf swing anymore. These are seemingly small things, but it matters how you manage them. What do you do when something good happens? Can you enjoy it, laugh about it, and soak it in? Or do you even notice? If you don’t already know how to recognize and accept the good changes, start now. For example, feel good for even a few seconds about reading this book. It will help you learn! Accept the fact that you are choosing to acquire knowledge, and accept a little advice rather than doing something else. In some ways, you are ahead of the game already. Let’s face it: You could be doing lots of other things right now, but you have chosen to spend some time with me! In exchange, I am going to try and help you figure out a way to take charge of your life by sharing some of my real-life experiences. Letting go is not easy at your age or stage, but it won’t be any easier in the future when you figure out that you made the wrong decision way back when, especially when you eventually realize all the things driving your decisions that ran counter to your dreams. And make no mistake—your dreams matter to me. Higher education is about lots of things, but a good deal of it lies in discovering who you are and what your adult life will come to mean. I hope for each one of you that you realize and fulfill something you have longed for, dreamed of, or been too afraid to admit you were curious about. I hope you will grow in a new and exciting direction. But you will have to choose and accept any changes to your plan, or even your non-plan.

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Chapter 7: Make a Plan

Begin at the Beginning Start by doing some thinking and honest self-assessment. To live the life you wish to live, you must give a lot of thought to how you can make it happen. And this will take time. Begin with the tough questions. Yes, you have to dream. Yes, you have to try new things. And yes, you have to master skills and learn things that you are not interested in or not very good at. But the most important part comes in the assessment of your skills and your ability to learn and achieve your goals.

A Case Study Joanna, a student at a school for the performing arts, thought she might like to pursue a career in voice. Her parents decided that it might be a good fit for her, so they hired a voice coach who not only taught Joanna how to sing better, but also taught her about the habits of great singers, the strengths and weaknesses of different voice styles, ways to save her voice for the long term, and which music would be a good match for her. Joanna also became more confident, because she was learning how to train her voice. She made the most of every part of the experience, never missed practices, and did her training exercises as directed. Joanna decided to try out for a Broadway-inspired national summer program that required an audition. If she made it, she knew she’d have to give up a chunk of her summer for seminars and classes taught by professional actors and singers. She was both excited and afraid of what she was up against, but she completed all the paperwork herself. She wrote the essays and asked teachers and others for letters of recommendation. And she made sure to meet all the deadlines.

(continued)

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The day Joanna received a letter of acceptance for the program was a real turning point, because she was able to see for the first time what can happen when you lay out a plan of action for something that seems daunting at the outset. She chopped up the bigger goal into smaller pieces and parts, and dealt with them one step at a time. The plan worked. The next one would not be nearly as scary. Update: Joanna’s experience proved to be very valuable in a number of ways. She was in the microcosm of the livetheater world, but somewhere in the course of the program, she realized that she didn’t feel the same desire to work in front of an audience as the rest of the students in the program. She started to second-guess her talents, and began to feel out of place. She gave it her all and enjoyed being part of the final performance, but she came to learn that this was not what she wanted to do with her life.

Sometimes we learn more when things don’t go as planned than when they do. Either way, we plan our next steps from the early ones. It all adds up in the end, if you pay attention.

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What’s Your Plan? Here are some questions you must ask yourself right now about the rest of your life: • Look at your work history or internship history, or your summertime activities. Do you see a trend or a common theme? If so, what is it? • If you don’t see a theme, what skill sets have you acquired that might be helpful to your future, in general? • Is there anything that resonates with you—an area that you’d like to pursue further? • Who can you call for advice? • What opportunities exist for someone with a work history like yours (so far)? • If you don’t see an obvious path, ask yourself this: What opportunities exist because of the skills you have acquired?

Follow These Steps 1. Make the plan now to go to the next level. 2. Ask for help, advice, and recommendations. 3. Do all the reading and research you can. 4. Create a proposal, if there is no program already available. 5. Pick up the phone and make it happen!

Or do you need to start from scratch?

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Chapter 8

Groom Yourself Inside and Out

Far too many people your age don’t give any thought to how they are presenting themselves to the world. Until “the world” is able to see your work ethic, your skills, and your attitude, people will make judgments about what they see on the outside. You want that entry-level position so you can prove yourself, don’t you? I am not suggesting a total makeover to fit some kind of “formula,” but there are a few things that you and your friends should pay attention to. First and foremost, starting a new life usually means a step toward maturity and personal growth. You must take stock of how you present who you are and how prepared you are for whatever you are facing. It is a lot more than the way you look on the outside. We’ll talk about some of the things you must work on in this chapter if you want a career. And I am not suggesting that you should not be true to your very valuable self. What I am saying is that you should step it up in terms of how you present yourself and how prepared you are on the inside. Don’t just think of grooming as combing your hair—there is much more to it than that. It’s very hard to overcome our first impression of another person, so make yours count. Don’t lose those very valuable seconds. Try to dig yourself out of the 69

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hole you dug for yourself because your nose ring caught the attention of a potential employer before your impressive résumé did. You’ll learn fast enough. The subject of grooming is something my students have long challenged me on, but I stand by my experience in the real world. The best-dressed authentic “you” is the way to go. That means, in my opinion, dressing more conservatively. Leave your extreme personal style at the door, because like it or not, it will be a strike against you right off the bat. I can remember far too many occasions when applicants (and they are often young women) would come in for an interview and try to impress me with their fashion sense. Those days, it was often their big and colorful handbags, complete with large and noisy charms or chains, that they would plop down on the interviewer’s desk. Purses do NOT belong on desks! Little do these young women know that this swift and probably automatic display often eliminates them from serious consideration. I am honest with these students, and I let them know that certain ways of presenting themselves will send a very loud message to an interviewer: They are really looking for a career in fashion, not public relations. Please do not misunderstand me—there is room for fashion in the public relations business, but it must be done in good taste. So what is good taste? And where can you get it? This might sound harsh, but if you do not come by “good taste” naturally, admit this to yourself and get the help you need. It can be bought! Here’s what I’m saying. When I have a young person who sets off my radar in this department, I direct her or him to certain stores where they can get immediate help. I have yet to see an Ann Taylor suit that was not appropriate and classically fashionable for young women, and the same is true of Brooks

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Brothers for young men. Dressing professionally is not brain surgery. And by the way, copying mannequins is absolutely fine. So is being honest with a salesperson who has been trained to fit you and gently play up or down your physical attributes.

A professional wardrobe doesn’t have to cost a fortune. Let me share age-old wisdom that someone shared with me a few decades ago. Think of your clothing purchases as an investment in your career, because that’s just what it is. Get the help you need to choose a few selections that can be mixed and matched easily or accessorized in order to “stretch” your wardrobe and provide a fresh look every day. You’ll feel good. After all, no one wants to wear the same thing all the time. Small changes in accessories and shirts, blouses, ties, or tops in general can make that closet seem much larger than it really is. You’ll have extra pep in your step, too. A professional wardrobe can boost your confidence and eliminate one of the concerns that worry young people. No one wants to look inappropriate or out of sync in the style department, and many young people worry about this unnecessarily. Help is out there, and it is usually free. Pay attention to advertisements, store displays, and people you admire, and shop wisely. (Note: This is one of those times where it might make sense for you to charge your purchases if you don’t have the cash on hand.) Please do not tell me that what you wear doesn’t matter—it does. It matters to you, and it matters to those with whom you are interacting. The way in which you present yourself is sending all kinds of messages, like it or not, even if you are not aware of them.

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If you don’t care much about clothing or fashion or style, I suggest you pay attention to it anyway, because in most business situations, you are an extension of your role and position and organization. Your appearance will be noted. That is simply reality. There is no need to completely change the way you dress, however. Becoming an adult means sometimes leaving the world of jeans and skimpy tops behind and accepting with grace the steps toward maturity—that’s all. Subtle changes that can make a big difference include your becoming familiar with ironing or dry cleaning, doing more-frequent washing or gentle drying of your “investments,” focusing on what matches or doesn’t, and closely inspecting how your clothing fits.

Cleavage and Tight Pants Certain things are best left at home or for your off-work hours (if, that is, you want to make something serious of your life). Business professionals are usually appalled when a young woman comes in for a hiring interview showing cleavage. I don’t care if you think we are prudes—if you are not applying for a job at Hooters, cleavage is NOT appropriate! If you expect to be taken seriously, you must think about the way you look. Showing cleavage will not reflect positively on you—trust me. The same goes for see-through blouses, tops, sweaters, and tshirts, and even the popular lingerie look. The same for skintight skirts or pants, or skintight anything. If you have a nice shape, it will still be seen in well-fitted clothes. Your contributions are more important to the job than your physique—remember that.

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Your Essence Taking care of your physical self shows that you value the essence of who you are. Employers pick up on this pretty quickly. I can remember my grandmother always noticing people’s hands. I hear other adults talk about noticing a person’s eyes (the “window to the soul”). A weathered face is an expression of a life well lived or poorly lived. I didn’t pay much attention to these things back in the day, but I am now old enough to know better: there is a lot of truth in these teachings. One of the most positive consequences of caring about who you are and what you project is that you have better personal relationships. When you live well and take care of yourself, there is less common stress (arguing over food, drinking, staying out late, and destructive conversation). You will attract other people who live similarly, and your significant personal and family relationships will strengthen. Feeling better and healthier affects every other aspect of your life.

Body Piercing and Tattoos Tattoos and body piercing are more common now, and for many young people, they are just a normal rite of passage. If you want to be taken seriously in the professional world, however, be cautious. Facial piercing bothers corporate leaders who are in a position to determine or affect your future, career-wise. In fact, nose rings, tongue rings, pierced lips and eyebrows, and even most nose piercings are distractions in the business world. They force people to make assumptions about your character and your competence. Mind you, I have done plenty of reading on the subject, and I realize that the adornment of 73

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our physical selves has gone on since the beginning of time, but there is a huge difference between earrings on the ears and my seeing your belly button ring with all its dangling dazzle in a job interview. And tribal tattoos? Well, they make my mind wonder what “tribe” this person is from. Cover up your tattoos. Over time, your personal style can be unveiled if it is appropriate, but I still think even in these more-casual times there are limits. You do not want to be the subject of watercooler conversation on this topic or passed up for a promotion, do you? Nose rings and tattoos might be cool to your peers, but it sends a totally different message to corporate leaders and managers who have some control over your future.

The Obvious Stuff Clothes and body piercing are not all I am talking about. Grooming also includes boring, almost monotonous personal care. The good news is that taking care of these things is not expensive. In fact, it is usually FREE!

The Obvious Stuff 1. 2. 3 4. 5

Wash your face and get the sleep out of your eyes. Make sure your hair is clean. Tie it back if you have to. Comb or brush your hair. Keep your hands washed. Clean your fingernails and make sure they are not hiding dirt or oil from car repair, hiking, and so on. 6. Keep your nails at a reasonable length. Long or distracting nails might express who you really are, but they will attract unwanted attention and take away from your other, more-important contributions to the workplace. (And no fancy nail tips.) 74

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The Touchy Stuff Accept this next bit of advice in the spirit in which it is given. Take care of your physical self. This means your diet, sleep, and drinking or “partying” habits. I have seen way too many college kids ignore this advice and pay for it afterwards in all the familiar places, physical and mental: low test scores, tardiness, lethargy, eye fatigue, the inability to focus in class, and so on. And these are just a few examples. Yes, people do notice these things. You might think you are indestructible, but you are sadly mistaken. You have limits and boundaries; realize and respect them. I have had girls come to me in tears over their weight to the point that they are unable to complete assignments. Guys confide that they fear that their physical appearance will cost them a job opportunity. Saggy eyes; unkempt appearance from too much eating or drinking; lack of sleep; and ignoring your body and its signals will cost you dearly, but not just in terms of a job. These things can also keep you from creating a fulfilling personal life. If you are stressed out or suffering from any of these things, I am cautioning you to take a hard look at your life. Ask yourself if this hardship is yet another invitation for you to take a closer look at the decisions you are making about your future. Do you need more stress? Or are you ready to do some self-inspection and accept the invitation to improve yourself? The good news? All these shortcomings are within your power to change. It will require some discipline, and maybe you will have to break old habits. It might mean learning new information and making better choices, but it will be worth it for what you gain: more self-confidence; closer attention to your academic work; and stronger, healthier personal relationships. You will find yourself with more energy and an ability to focus. You will feel a sense of accomplishment,

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power, and satisfaction, because your body and your health are not compromised due to poor nutrition, sleep deprivation, over-consumption of alcohol, or drugs. (And I cannot even begin to discuss the repercussions many young people suffer because of choices and decisions made under the influence of a controlled substance.) If you’re stressed or feeling the effects of any of these things I am cautioning you about, ask yourself this: Do you really need more stress? You’re carrying enough burdens already, aren’t you? This book is aimed primarily at young adults, and I realize that some readers might be a little dismissive of what I’m advising. Remember: I am not your mother, grandmother, or aunt. I am a professional who has been around the world of business for a very long time. My sole concern is helping you find your place in the world. Just think about what I am saying. Ask yourself if any of these lifestyle choices are having any negative effect on any aspect of your life or a friend’s life. And please do not tell yourself that you will change when you get settled in your new apartment or after you land your job or when you complete graduate school. These things need your immediate attention and concern if they are out of whack. You cannot put them off, because your very future is at stake. You are setting habits every single day, and the bad ones are very, very difficult to break. You must pay attention to them now. If you see that you are establishing what might be considered poor habits, stop immediately and start developing strategies that will turn your behavior around. There is plenty more to say about this subject, but I have probably sucked enough energy from you already, so let me quickly add these other grooming tips for you to consider.

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More “Grooming” Tips 1. Your résumé is an extension of grooming and preparedness, so make sure interviewers will have nothing but good impressions. 2. Good grooming means showing up on time, properly dressed. 3. Brush up on adult conversational skills, so you will be able to converse with the interviewer on a variety of topics, including your job readiness. Also, be sure you research the company itself (not just the job and how much it will pay). 4. Take a look at yourself from the inside out. — Do you look the part? — Are you prepared to be the part? — Do you have enough information to be where you are? — Can you ask good questions? — Have you checked out the company’s Web site? — Are you a good fit for this role? Or are you practicing for experience purposes? — Are there things you need to do to be better prepared? — Are you willing to accept whatever challenges this situation offers? 5. Be gracious. Don’t forget to properly thank people who have helped you. Yes, that is a part of grooming! Thank-you notes will take you farther than you think, and writing them is an excellent habit to establish, if you haven’t already done so.

Good grooming means being prepared to go the whole nine yards after what you want.

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Grooming Checklist Do you need a new wardrobe? _____ yes

_____ no

How can you get one without breaking the bank? (Idea: Ask for clothing gift certificates for graduation!) List three possibilities. 1. 2. 3. Do you know where to go for the “right” clothes? ____ yes ____ no Where? ______________________ If your work wardrobe is not in good enough shape, who can you go to for help? ______________________ Is your résumé complete, up-to-date, and professional-looking? ____ yes ____ no What does it need? ______________________ Who can give you the best suggestions to improve it? ______________________ Take stock of your physical self. How good an impression do you make from 1 to 10 (high)? _______ Do you look alert, strong, capable, and eager to take on responsibility? ____ yes ____ no

(continued)

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Chapter 8: Groom Yourself Inside and Out Grooming Checklist (concluded) What three things can you do to contribute to your physical well-being? 1. 2. 3. Do you need help to do so? ____ yes

____ no

List the people who can help you make a good impression and give you advice. • • • What are your strengths and weaknesses where grooming is concerned? Strengths: ___________________________________________ _____________________________________________________ Weaknesses: _________________________________________ _____________________________________________________ What things do you need to change in order to strengthen your weaknesses? _________________________________________ _____________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________

Ask a trusted older person to give you feedback and suggestions on these things. 79

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Chapter 9

Technology Common Sense

Technology is a tool, not a lifestyle. The most obvious difference between your generation and mine is the vast array of new technology available and your generation’s ability to use it to advantage. This knowledge or lack of knowledge often divides us. Since this book is meant to essentially mentor you, I remind you that your first job will probably be working with and for people who are your parents’ age. At the risk of sounding old, I urge you to be cautious about when and where you use technology, no matter how cool you think it is. (I know it is cool and very hard to resist.)

Faster Doesn’t Necessarily Mean Better Just because you can send an e-mail or text message while you are in a meeting doesn’t mean you should. If you are multitasking, you are missing essential information as well as the nuances of communication that other people are picking up on in the seconds and minutes you are taking to look down to type or read. It is obvious to others that you are disengaged. More importantly, you are showing a lack of respect for leaders and others who expect you to do more than just show up with a gadget-du-jour.

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Young professionals are not alone in their lack of common sense when it comes to the use of technology. I recently sat in a meeting where a senior vice president tapped away at her Blackberry, causing everyone to lose concentration. It cheated us all out of valuable time, because colleagues had to catch her up when she could not answer a direct question because she was not listening. She lost respect from her peers and colleagues—a serious consequence that builds over time, because people will be looking for more examples. Very few people are so important that messages can’t wait an hour or so. Technology causes a kind of human disassociation. No matter how much technology we have, the ability to work collaboratively will always be a part of successful business and life. It’s a career breaker for anyone who doesn’t make it a priority.

But what would we do without e-mail? I shudder to think of what we’d do without e-mail, but I see significant problems with it, and I’ll bet you have, too. Like the time one of my students circulated an e-mail with a link to a Web site that aided and abetted cheating. One of the students had some kind of Internet problem, so the e-mail was printed out and brought to class to share with another student. It sure took all the guesswork out of wondering who was involved in the cheating—all the “To” names were listed right there, as well as who it was from. The consequences were F’s for all, not to mention the lack of trust it created. E-mail and text messaging, like many innovative technologies, can’t be underestimated. They have become such casual tools that they now have their own language, similar to shorthand. Unfortunately, too many young people are using the informal language in everyday situations instead of the professional standard. Every time I get an e-mail from a student who uses 82

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text-messaging shorthand, I wonder if they know how to write. Any substitute code for authentic and serious communication just doesn’t work in the real world. Smiley faces are never okay in business correspondence, either; the person receiving the message is likely to send a different message: “C U L8R.”

Okay, so why a chapter on this? It’s old news now. Technology is commonplace, but we are still working out how and when it should be used. Consistently I encounter a student who thinks it is okay to text-message or talk on the cell phone in class. Some surf the Internet when we are in a lab learning how to write commanding lead paragraphs! The phone was quite an invention in its time, but at work it is supposed to be used to conduct business—not used to solve personal problems or gossip. The Internet is the same: It is meant to help you carry out your professional duties. Web surfing and personal e-mailing at work are such common practices that a virtual cottage industry has been established to help employers block Web access during work hours or on company equipment. Let me be clear about what is wrong: Cell phones, e-mail, and texting mean interruptions, intrusiveness, rudeness, overheard conversations, pervasive chatter, and the potential for an alarming lack of privacy. When you are working, you must save your personal business for later. A meeting, a cubicle, or a corporate lobby is not the time or the place. One of my shining stars had an unusual aversion to the telephone. We had to make using it at work an ongoing goal. Even by her one-year employee review, using the telephone effectively was still a problem. If it had not been for her serious desire to conquer it, she would not have a career in public relations. E-mail and texting are not appropriate substitutes for picking up the phone and engaging in dialogue, and no amount of technology will ever replace the need for human connection. 83

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Professionals are constantly assessing whether or not the convenience of technology is worth the cost. I have heard shocking things coming from the mouths of people in airports and lobbies that would surely have wide-reaching consequences if bosses or colleagues found out what they were saying on their cell phones. Big deals going down or falling apart. Trade secrets. Sales commissions being negotiated (and sounding a lot like fraud). Names thrown about with little concern for who might be listening. Personal problems being aired. Accusations hurled, with names attached. Political strategies discussed within earshot of who-knows-who. Technology gives us instant access to news, but it is often more like speculation. Between the rolling text and triple-screen effects and pop-up ads and ways to win fast cash, who can pay attention? In the public relations field, technology has become a force of good and evil. Poor or improper recording on video or a cell phone can still become instant news and instant money. There are few standards for this kind of reporting, and we are still learning about how to deal with the ethics of such things. Companies are going to need policies and standards to manage this proliferation as technology evolves. Nothing points out a need for standards better than the videos of celebrities in minute detail. They blur our notion of “news” and expose truly sad lives for all the world to see. Has technology driven us to such extremes? Or are we using this new technology in ways that are destructive? Hmmm. This is still being debated, of course.

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So what do we do about it? Remember where you want to go in life, and don’t assume that no one cares about this stuff. Ask yourself if it is necessary to accept or make calls during meetings where others need and expect your undivided attention. What is your company policy regarding online shopping or gambling, or visits to adult Web sites at work? Ask yourself if you are using technology to build your future, or your social life. A young business colleague was always walking into planning meetings with his Bluetooth earpiece already in his ear. A senior architect working with the group eventually asked the young man to remove it because the thing hanging off his ear was rattling the more-senior staff. Was he expecting a call? What if it came during a time when the group needed his focused attention? Why was he wearing it in meetings that were designed to shut out the world so the team could get a grip on the project at hand? There were senior people in the room who had years of experience, expertise, status, and respect far more valuable than his youthful, less-significant contributions. In the end, his behavior made him look immature, over-zealous, and almost silly. I am pretty sure his hope was quite the opposite, but it backfired: The young man was practically ostracized in his company. It was a shame, too, because he was a bright young man. Many in the group simply did not take him seriously. People who are more-senior than you can and will control your destiny. And they are observing you, whether you realize it or not. Watching for blooming talent is an ongoing process in every profession I know of. We are always planting seeds for the future—business depends on it! You won’t get points for accessing technology at inappropriate times, no matter how cutting-edge or common the technology. In fact, you will probably be penalized in some way, without even realizing it.

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When there are no rules, use common sense. The rules of basic manners and courtesy will always apply. If your conversation can be heard by others, it is your responsibility to take it out of earshot to where you have privacy. If that is impossible, you must explain the situation to the individual on the other end, and hang up. If the phone or text message or e-mail comes via PDA and is intrusive on your attention to a LIVE matter, you must ignore it with very rare exception. Remember your priorities. Do you want that career?

Text Messaging I caught one of my students text messaging, and asked her to stop. She openly and publicly tried to challenge me, saying that she was getting her homework assignment from another class. This young woman was rude and disrespectful, and I had to restrain myself from telling her exactly what I was thinking. No one in class or in a business meeting is entitled to use technology unless it is acceptable to the facilitator, the instructor, or the team. It is the equivalent of a professor making a cell phone call or stopping a lesson to e-mail or text a personal message during class. Wouldn’t that be rude to you? And inappropriate? Leaders who use such technology are still figuring out how to make the best use of it, but when it is intrusive or disrespectful to others, put it away. Most things can wait. They just can.

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How Is Your Technology Common Sense? So, how is your technology common sense? Try to be as honest with yourself as you can. Do you ever use communication devices at inappropriate times or places?

List the ways (be honest, now!), and decide whether or not it might be hurting you at work. 1. 2. 3. Why do you think it might be hurting you? (Write down your reasons.) Is it justified? When should you exercise better judgment? If you feel that you must continue to use the devices at inappropriate times, list the reasons why. 1. 2. 3. How do you feel when others do the same thing (when someone else is, say, trying to study, explain a proposal, interview for a job, or enjoy a movie)? List ways you can improve in this area. • • •

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Chapter 10

Good Manners Never Go Out of Style

Advances in technology force us to keep up, but there are some things that remain constant. Manners, for example. Good manners can diffuse almost any kind of sticky situation, but they can also help differentiate you from other people, including your competition. In a nutshell, “manners” is the word we use to refer to courtesy, respect, and polite behavior (not terribly far removed from ethics on my own Richter scale of life). I was never taught formal manners as a child, but I had a great-aunt who modeled them for me on a daily basis. Aunt Louise was a polite and very intent listener. Even when she knew that the truth was not what she was hearing, she listened as though she was hanging on every word I said. She was teaching me courtesy and common respect by showing me how it was done. Let’s look at several important areas you need to start thinking about: courtesy, discretion, respect, and appreciation.

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Courtesy. Competence is not the only thing you need to succeed in your chosen career. You must practice common courtesy consistently. There are unlimited opportunities to show common courtesy in the professional world, no matter which field you hope to work in and it can only help you in your career. Here are five of the most important rules: Practice common courtesy. It starts at the beginning of the day. When you arrive at the workplace at the same time as a colleague (or even a stranger, for that matter), hold the door open for them, man or woman. If you go in and out of a door at any time of the day, always hold the door open for the next person, even if the other person is empty-handed or it’s an elevator door. If it’s raining and you have an umbrella, hold it over a fellow walker. If someone near you has dropped something, pick it up for them. Smile and acknowledge someone walking your way. Be considerate of others. When you have to make or take a cell phone call, go somewhere private, where no one will be forced to listen. Work-related calls often require a level of discretion anyway, and one never knows who might be around. When it comes to personal conversations, keep in mind that most people don’t want to know someone else’s private business, whether it is the grocery list or your sex life. Show your respect for other people, and be courteous in public arenas—always move to a private place to talk. If nothing else, keep in mind the real possibility that what you’re saying will be overheard or transmitted, and take on a life of its own. Clean up your mess. Adults do not expect to have to pick up after someone else at work, so clean up your mess. Good manners means leaving a place cleaner than you found it: the office, the public rest room, the break room, a restaurant, or the park. It takes just seconds of your time, and it makes the world

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a better place. After all, who do you think you are, expecting others to pick up after you? There is an implied arrogance to it. If you want the respect of others in the professional world and want to be treated like an adult, you must take care of your own messes, literally and figuratively. Apologize. There is no harm in saying “I’m sorry.” It shows a certain humility and honesty that is hard to ignore. Observe the pecking order. If you are a relatively new employee or member of a team, show respect for those who came before you, and try to earn your way. You will be far more respected and appreciated if you do not act like you want to take over. Disruption and grandstanding will not take you anywhere! We all start out the same way, and while youthful enthusiasm is welcome and enjoyable, braggadocio and arrogance are not. Learn the difference, and then apply what you’ve learned.

Now, let’s talk about discretion. Discretion is the true sign of power. It literally means having the power or right to decide or act according to one’s own judgment. Should you, or shouldn’t you? I recently went to MySpace to get more information about a college student I was interviewing who gave every appearance of having the essential tools my company needs for public relations work: decent grades, strong-enough writing skills, the proper demeanor, and a willingness to learn and work hard. I fully expected to see some examples of college-level communication on her MySpace site, since it is a public space and an obvious place to go to do a sort of modern-day background check.

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What I saw and read on her MySpace page site so surprised me that I sat there for over an hour and a half, absolutely mesmerized. If ever there could be an opposite in terms of the way this young woman presented herself in the interview and the way she presented herself on this Web site, this was surely the top vote-getter. This young woman seemed to have shed all her inhibitions and sense of even casual decorum. Her photos depicted her in various stages of public display that made me feel as though I was peeping into her bedroom, albeit as an “invited” guest. I was so shocked and disappointed. The young marketing major who seemed so full of promise and potential apparently thought the distasteful “sharing” on her site was acceptable. Could she possibly be unaware that she was selling herself this way? I decided not to make a hiring decision until I could mull things over. I took three days, and tried to explain to my staff that since MySpace was such a new phenomenon, I was not ready to throw out all this information. My team was absolutely clear that they did not believe this candidate had what it took to be a part of our office in any way. While they too are young (21–29 years), they told me that this young woman crossed the line, and should be rejected. I invited the candidate back to give her an opportunity to explain herself. I truly hoped for some kind of logical rationale—she seemed so sharp. A senior preparing for her graduation, this young woman had been impressive enough to get through our first round of interviews. When a staff member first brought her to my office for a quick introduction (a protocol step, and a stamp of approval that candidates are unaware of), we all agreed that she seemed right for the paid internship position. We sent her off to gather some more samples of her work, and continued looking at other candidates. We were confident that if all the others were not as strong as she was, we had at least one very viable option.

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This time, she was just as pulled together as she was the first time. She sat down with her samples, eager to show off what she thought was some impressive work. After some discussion, I explained that I had come across something about her that I needed to discuss. In retrospect, I think she knew exactly where I was headed. She almost cut me off, asking if I was referring to her MySpace page. Yes, I replied. She told me that many of her friends warned her that the Web material might be brought up, but she said she didn’t care because the page depicted her private life, and in no way could I discriminate over it. She declared that it was none of my business anyway. I sat back and tried to let her have her time and space. She spoke almost to the point of being exhausted, and I could tell that she was visibly upset. There was no sense of Oops! or “I’m sorry” or “I can see how this might not cast me in the best light,” or anything of the sort. She was very decisively defensive, and showed zero understanding of how her choice of information shared on MySpace might cause us to think twice about hiring her. Her reaction was extreme and unregretful, and I did not see the qualities I was looking for in an employee, so I decided not to add her to our team. I thought she would be disruptive to our culture of cooperation and collaboration. She clearly felt we had violated her zone of privacy. I do not understand how, but that is another chapter in a book I don’t plan to write. Is discretion a part of manners? Yes. If you do not really care for a particular food, person, or a part of the world, you don’t have to voice your opinion to the universe, particularly if you have limited vision, experience, or information. You can say something like, “I traveled there, and while I did not have a great experience, I have heard other people say it was an interesting/colorful/worthy trip for them.” That is a great way to use good manners and discretion. If you think it is less than honest, say something like, “I didn’t enjoy it at all, but at least I can say I have been there!” I consider that infinitely better than something to the effect of “That place sucks!” 93

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Respect and Appreciation My aunt assumed legal custody of my two sisters and me when I was about five years old. The burdens were significant, I am sure. She went from a quiet life with my uncle to a busy and bustling world with three young children, and she quickly set about teaching us how she expected us to behave. She informed us that teeth brushing would come before all other activities: First thing in the morning, after lunch, and then again after dinner. She took a keen interest in our dental habits, but kids being kids, we weren’t always as diligent as she would have liked. I was happily playing outside one day when Aunt Louise called me into the house. “Did you brush your teeth after lunch?” she asked me. Right then and there, I should have fessed up, but I had been in and out of foster care and was more than a little afraid of adults and the consequences of being bad. My big goal was not to disappoint Aunt Louise, so I lied and told her that I had indeed brushed my teeth. She didn’t miss a beat, and pulled me swiftly into the bathroom to look at my very dry toothbrush. I was ashamed and afraid. Aunt Louise explained that what I did was called “lying,” and that there would be serious consequences if I continued to lie to her, because she needed to trust me. For the first time in my life, I began to understand the complex nature of relationships and how best to navigate the ones that mean something. Then Aunt Louise paddled me with a switch from a tree I picked out myself. She taught me to face the music, because disappointing her would be worse than any spanking I could ever imagine. That night she had me do some drawing, and I made a kind of “I’m sorry” note. She read it and gleamed as she thanked me for taking my free time to think of her in such a way.

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In that short instance, I learned the power of the written word and the meaning of penitence, and found a gracious way of handling uncomfortable situations. What is the point of this story? Simple. Many human and unintentional mistakes can be righted with something as simple as a note. Good manners have less to do with eloquence and more to do with our actions and intent. It is ALWAYS appropriate to be authentically penitent and gracious. Always. And a hand-written note is the preferred manner of expressing appreciation. Most professionals I know will grant courtesy interviews to help someone out. If the interviewee does not send them a handwritten thank-you note within three business days of the interview, they are not likely to send the interviewee on to others who might be able to help them. The same rule applies to job interviews: a second interview is not given without the note, no matter how sharp the applicant appears to be in the interview itself. It might seem like a harsh rule, but with so many young people trying to get into the public relations business or any other area of business or communication, notes of appreciation easily separate the candidates and signify which ones understand the importance of follow-up (which is another characteristic of conscientious employees). If several candidates are competing for the same position, I often take a closer look at the written message. Is there a genuine tone, and are the words carefully chosen to express the sentiment? What level is the individual’s vocabulary? Is the wording natural, or does it sound contrived? Can the candidate accurately express the intent of their message? How are transitions used to convey the thread of thought? In a business dependent on writing, a thank-you note is a good litmus test of future potential, so I take them seriously. And I know I am not alone.

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Courtesy, discretion, respect, and appreciation are hallmarks of good manners. These things are essential for adults— particularly in the world of work and personal advancement. If you are new to a situation or relationship, your words and your behavior ARE you. They constitute the first and most important impression you make on people who can help you succeed. Make a conscious choice to use manners and discretion in all your dealings with people, without exception. They will take you further in the long run. Trust me on this.

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How are your manners? Ask yourself these tough questions about your own manners: 1. Are you comfortable expressing, face-to-face, how thankful you are for what someone has generously given or done for you? 2. What are your thoughts about doing so? List ways you can get even better at it. Be specific. And then DO IT! 3. Do you write thank-you notes? If so, what are your personal guidelines? Are you satisfied with the manner in which you handle such communications? Describe the feedback you have received from your thankyou notes. List three other ways you can show more appreciation: 1. 2. 3. Give thought to a creative way to express your personal gratitude that will differentiate you from others.

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Chapter 11

The Art of Listening

Effective listening is one of the most important sets of skills possessed by successful professionals. I continue to work on my own ability to truly hear what others are communicating, and I look for these skills in those people I mentor or hire to work for my company. Careful listening is a rare art these days, especially in boardrooms, meetings, and places where true communication is needed to move projects or relationships to the next level. I’m going to start this chapter off with a little bit of my own epiphany regarding the art of listening, so bear with me. I used to think that extroverts ran the world. Since I am one, that fit easily into my model of leadership, which was really more about control than effectively leading. Over time, I grew to realize that the people who were quieter often got more “respect.” When they spoke, I watched closely, and eventually came to realize that while I was talking off the top of my head (and surely rambling at times), they were quietly listening and thinking. When they spoke, I saw that their thoughts were often more collected and logical than those who enjoyed the sound of their own voices, including me. They seemed to get a sort of validation that my high-energy approach missed. And they got more feedback! I began to watch them more closely and study their styles, mannerisms, and processes. 99

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When someone else was speaking, I would take little mental vacations: plan my weekend, make out a mental grocery list, and visually “check in” every now and then with whomever was speaking. Meetings with more than two or three people were particularly boring for me, because I didn’t really care what accounting had to say or what the marketing department needed—I was only there for my part of the whole. Because I did not listen very well, it took me a long time to realize the need for confluence and collaboration. I felt bored, but now I think it was an immature reaction to the fact that my part of the meeting was not the most important part! Unfortunately, I didn’t think too much about what anyone else had to say. Then I had a performance review at Procter and Gamble. My unit manager started to explain how to create a business plan. I found the information fascinating. He seemed full of knowledge, and presented it with such ease, making sure to answer my every question without any hint of frustration or condescension. He seemed almost happy to share his expertise! I always felt a little out of my league with all the business types I was surrounded by, and I was eager to compensate for what I perceived as a lack of business savvy. But the way this gentleman spoke and the interest he showed in the subject of accounting was remarkable. I could not get enough of his instruction! His words inspired me and validated me and the work I was doing. He made me want to work harder for him and for the company at a time when I was bored and ready to move on. It was years later that I began to understand that a good part of his management of me was that he listened to me and seemed to know exactly what I wanted to learn, just by reading between the lines. He did it by listening carefully to me and paying attention to how I was saying what I was saying. He helped me learn what I needed in order to move up the ladder. One of the most important lessons he taught me, purely by example, was how to listen. 100

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Improving Your Listening Skills I don’t think it is possible to totally transform yourself overnight, but if you stop what you’re thinking and listen intently to what is being said, you will be off to a better place. The beauty of learning how to listen more effectively is that it will improve your relationships and other areas of your life. Start this way: 1. How many times do you tend to interrupt or speak over others? 2. How many times do you finish someone else’s thoughts or stories in general conversation? I was embarrassed when I realized that I tend to butt in before the other person finishes speaking, and far too often. It seems arrogant and self-centered now, and I don’t see myself that way. In fact, speaking over someone else and not allowing the other person to have their turn sends a very insulting and disrespectful message. Just becoming aware of this bad habit helped me curb it. I don’t want to be the topic of after-meeting or after-party conversations, where people rehash the events and discuss the negative particulars. I also don’t want my name connected with boorish or obnoxious behavior—I know too many people like that, and I don’t want to be in that camp. So I paid attention, and stopped each time I caught myself butting in, using sheer will and determination. I took a couple of classes and learned some techniques, but to this day, I struggle with it. I know I am an extrovert and think quickly on my feet, but no excuse is good enough to insult others by assuming that I know what they are thinking or what they are going to say. There is an art to quietly listening and allowing the other person to tell their story.

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Active Listening Contrary to what you might think, listening is not a passive experience. It actually requires focused attention and energy. “Hearing” does not require any effort—the sounds go into our ears, whether we pay attention or not. You can become a better listener—just promise yourself that you will block out the extraneous “noise” in your mind when someone is speaking to you. Then work at it every single second. Listen intently, and when the speaker is finished, summarize in your own words what you think you heard the other person saying so they can correct any misperceptions. It goes something like this: My boss: Lisa, I need for you to get me a report on our online sales, comparing our Web sales last year versus this year for the same time period. I need the numbers for a meeting next week. Me: Okay. You need for me to get the data that demonstrates any changes between our online sales this year versus our online sales last year, using the same time period for an accurate comparison. Is that right? And what is the deadline that I need to have information in its final form to you? This summarization technique actually saves time, which is an invaluable commodity to anyone who works in a department or industry that demands us to multi-task. Before you leave a meeting or an interview, make sure you know what is being asked of you, instead of taking a guess at it and realizing after the fact that you did not understand what you were supposed to do. When you take the time to actively listen, you will be more efficient because you will do exactly what is expected of you and will not have to repeat work or activity.

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Better time management is also an added benefit to learning how to be an active listener, because you’ll be able to “enter” deadlines in your mental calendar. You’ll be more committed to carrying out the request on time and able to visualize what will be needed in a given time frame. This will help you work it into the other demands of your job—the job you aspire to get, or the one you have right now.

It actually gets easier, once you commit. And there are other benefits, too. Good listeners do especially well in jobs with a lot of people interaction, such as sales, customer service, and management. But as I said, the skill is invaluable in life, period. The more you perfect your ability to listen actively and carefully, the more time and energy you will have for another level of skill. Almost without realizing it, you will also be able to understand what is being left out as well, such as information central to a project, discussion, or effort. This is a higher level of communication. Here’s a simple example of what I mean: Let’s say a colleague talks and talks about the plan for a project, but somehow omits pertinent information that can change the desired outcome. When everything is said and done, the active listener will notice that something is wrong or is being left out, such as information that is needed to support the premise or project or a miscalculation in the budget or time frame. In most cases, it will be something that is not said that will help determine how successful the project turns out to be. Only active listeners will “hear” the important error or omission and question in a constructive manner what the possibilities might be, thus helping shape the outcome or prevent serious mistakes in judgment.

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Being able to listen intently and think critically about what you have heard or not heard can distinguish you from your colleagues, and quite possibly prepare you for a new level of responsibility or management because you have strengthened your analytical skills and are able to anticipate problems and solutions and come up with appropriate strategies. Learn to train your mind to actively listen to the thoughts, ideas, and opinions of others before you judge them. This is so important if you want a successful career. Why? Because that’s where it all begins.

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How well do you listen? Rate your current ability to actively listen to what is being said in a group (or just to you individually). Use a scale of 1–10, with 10 being the highest rating value. Don’t be too easy on yourself. Try to be as honest as you can. The score you give yourself as a listener: _____ Okay, now that you know you aren’t perfect, list three strategies that will help you become a better listener. 1. 2. 3. List three people you have difficulty listening to. Give critical thought to why this is, and write down the reasons. (Perhaps he or she is older than you, uses advanced vocabulary, you hate their whiny voice, etc.) 1. 2. 3. Write down which strategies you will commit to doing to help you listen more actively and intently to each person.

Revisit this self-assessment every now and then to gauge your progress. And make it intentional to do so!

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Chapter 12

Accept Help

What I have tried to do in this book is to share some of what I have learned about life in order to help you. It is kind of mentoring—sharing lessons learned and taking the time to invest in another’s potential success. Mentoring has the power to change lives and alter the course of one’s future. I am not the only one who has been the beneficiary of mentoring and now enjoys the opportunity to reach out to others and mentor them. However, having a mentor does not imply a permanent arrangement. A mentor is a wise and trusted counselor or influential supporter, and can be anyone of any age, race, faith, or relationship whom you choose to influence you. Kind of like that teacher, aunt, uncle, or friend you listen to over everyone else: the “cheerleader” who taps into you in a way that others cannot. (The main difference between informal mentoring and formal mentoring is that with formal mentoring, there is a mutual agreement about what the mentoring relationship entails.)

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Help! No matter who you are, you will benefit from the help, training, expertise, and guidance of someone who has been there and done that. That said, if you are one of those individuals who has not yet opened up to the experience, you are missing a valuable opportunity to help yourself through life. This is not encouraging to an employer. Here’s an example of what I mean. In every class I teach, I offer to review students’ résumés, yet only about three juniors or seniors per class take me up on my offer. This astounds me, because hiring someone to advise you on a résumé costs at least $200! Not only is my offer a good economic value, but it is also an intrinsic value, because I have spent 30 years looking at résumés. One gets very good at something after that much exposure and experience. So why don’t more students take advantage? I have a few theories, but the lead one is that many times students are afraid or too shy to ask for help, or don’t want to look stupid (though nothing could be further from the truth). Most often, it is only a matter of tweaking here and there to turn the résumé from an “okay” one to a strong one. If someone reaches out to offer direct help that you know you need or think you need, reach back. And even if it is something you feel pretty confident about, why not run it by someone older and wiser, or someone you trust? If you are open to gaining a deeper understanding or a higher level of learning, most anyone who has some expertise in the subject will be flattered and will bring you along if you allow yourself the opportunity. And YOU can be a mentor just as easily as you can FIND one! My fourth grade teacher, Mrs. Knock, was one of my earliest mentors. She was patient and encouraging, and helped

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me understand that I had some skills and maybe even a little talent. I will save all the details for a memoir (if I write one), but my point is that our lives are filled with individuals who have helped us in some way, whether or not we realized it at the time. Now that you’re an adult, you will have to find your mentors by looking for them. A mentor can be a co-worker, a boss, or one of your parents’ friends or colleagues who has knowledge or understanding that you need but do not possess.

Make sure your mind is open to the possibility and opportunity. One of the country’s most respected and admired individuals might be eager to help you professionally, but you have to be open to the idea of being mentored if things are to work in the ideal state. I liken it to listening, in a way: Some people can “hear” better than others because they are open to the experience of being actively engaged in the process. Others, no matter how hard the information is coming at them, just can’t seem to listen to the wisdom embedded in the words. You are only able to hear what you are open to hearing, and you will only be open to mentoring if you admit the need—that is, if you come to terms with the fact that you don’t know it all. Asking for and even accepting help is difficult for many people. I see it in many different circumstances, professionally and personally. I have struggled myself with accepting help, so I know this territory. Listening and being open to the experiences of others costs you nothing but time. You can reject what you hear if you like, but most of it will prove to be a wise investment. It is all in your hands. Be open to the wisdom, the guidance, and the life experience of others. 109

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A number-one radio disc jockey in a top-15 market once told me that even though she was scared, she followed the advice of her first boss and chased her dream of pursuing radio as a career. This was a big jump, considering that she was working in her very first job out of college, at a science museum! Years ago, someone asked her where she saw herself in five years. She answered honestly, and this led to an entirely different and more satisfying professional life, thanks to her ability to hear what her mentor was saying when she encouraged her to reach for the goal. One of my favorite stories comes from a professional athlete who was not what we’d call very successful when he played in high school. He was usually the last one chosen to play because he wasn’t physically big and was new to his school and the sport. His frustration grew, but his coach picked up on it, seeing drive and determination in the young man’s work ethic. “Hang in there and don’t give up!” was all the coach would say. The student listened, and took that lesson to heart. He played at the highest levels, and is now retired from the game. Being open and available to advice from others helped him create a successful life by any measure, off and on the playing field. Best of all, he now serves as a mentor to others, just as his coach did for him. One of my teaching colleagues shared a story about his own early conflicts when grading students with talent versus those who, well, lacked it. Since he taught a creative-type class, he didn’t know how to compare those with natural gifts against those who lacked that natural ability. His strategy was to ask the advice of others with more experience. Over time, this helped him create his own system of fairness when grading time came. Interestingly enough, I sought his advice on the very same subject many years later. Professional ethics is another area where mentors can lead the way. Some years ago, a young professional shared his story

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about learning to navigate the tricky world of commissions. It wasn’t illegal to charge the highest percentage commission to his clients, but this young man was conflicted because most of his clients were unaware that salesmen had some discretion over how much to charge. He thought everyone charged the highest level, but in his mind he did not believe he earned the “right” to charge such a high amount, since he was new at the profession. He was concerned about cheating his family, but he knew he worked very hard—harder than others he saw charging the maximum. His company had a mentoring system, and he was lucky enough to draw one of the top producers. In a short time, he was astonished to learn that his mentor had the most clients, but also charged the absolute lowest percentage of everyone in the office. It made the managers crazy, because the office stood to make more profit if the top producer charged his clients higher percentages. In the long run, the younger producer learned a great lesson about ethical standards. Just because something is allowed does not necessarily mean it is fair or good practice. This young man listened to his mentor and his conscience, and has been richly rewarded. One of my favorite students often struggled in class, although it seemed that she had every good intention to do what I asked of her. At mid-term, we discussed her grade and I knew she was disappointed with it. She explained that she was working a few jobs she had cobbled together, but that she was working over 40 hours a week in total. She was mentally and physically exhausted. No wonder! I advised her to go to the college’s career center and ask about on-campus or nearby jobs that would at least cut her commute time (which was considerable). She overcame her embarrassment about discussing her financial situation, and was rewarded when she did. Through the help of others, this young woman was able to cut her work time to less than 30 hours a week and apply for grants and scholarships to help her pay for her last year in school. She was honest with herself and others and sought help for a problem

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that many students face. Her journey was more difficult than most, but she learned so much in the process and will surely pay it forward, as the saying goes. I know she will guide and inspire others in the future. The benefits of listening and accepting help outweigh the hesitation or embarrassment. It will probably feel awkward, but it might be your only way to achieve the goal you have set for yourself. Once you venture out and accept it, you will see that in many ways it helps us. Accepting help and offering help connects us to others.

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Mentoring Opportunities List the names of three individuals who might be able to help you this year as mentors: 1. 2. 3. Write down how these individuals might be able to mentor you (in what area), and be as specific as you can. 1. 2. 3. Who do you need to add to your list to make up for what is lacking? (For instance, if you are in pretty good academic standing but you know that you need to learn more about personal finances, who can you go to for that?) List three names. 1. 2. 3.

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Chapter 13

Preparing for Interviews

Know More As a public relations professional and college educator, I am disappointed when I interview university graduates who are obviously not prepared to discuss a job they are applying for and its requirements. Most professionals who take the time to interview a candidate expect a certain level of general knowledge about the company and the job. In today’s environment, there is just no excuse. How difficult is it to Google a company and learn about it? I have adopted a new strategy so I won’t waste any more of my time, and I will pass it along in the spirit of mentoring. It goes something like this: After the important niceties of the interview are dispensed with—the greeting, the proper handshake, the meeting of eyes, and the sitting down and settling in—my first question is this: “Tell me what you know about my firm.” About three out of five times, the respondent will say something like, “Well I know you are a PR firm and you have some interesting clients. I want to work with people like that.” The individual is immediately eliminated from any serious consideration before I say a word in response. What the person is telling me is that he or she is enchanted with the people we 115

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are associated with, instead of the work. I call it the “celebrity factor.” It’s not a requirement for working here, and in fact it is a detriment. It suggests that the candidate does not understand the seriousness of what we do. People in a hiring position are looking for a general understanding of the company and its mission—the obvious information one might learn by logging on to the company’s Web site. A strong interviewee can list a few clients and some of the firm’s projects and maybe express some interest by asking intelligent questions. In no way do we expect a thesis or graduate-level research into the history of the firm—just a basic level of information. Why is it important to know more? Well, if you are serious about a job, you want to learn as much as you can. It positions you above your competitors. If three of five candidates know very little and you know something, you are ahead of the game. If you know more than just a little, you are even further ahead. Now, if you ask intelligent questions on top of that, wow! You have the potential to ace the interview and maybe win the job, too. If that doesn’t make sense, here’s another reason: If the company is somewhere you want to work, don’t you owe it to yourself to see if the fit is a good one, or one that will work even if it is not ideal? Shouldn’t you find out if this is your dream job? Aren’t you curious? Think about it this way: You will spend more time at work than anywhere else for a long time. You will spend more time with co-workers than you will with your roommates or family or spouse or friends. You get the picture—this is the last place you should be passive about! It ought to be your goal to learn more! You ought to feel obligated as well as excited to learn about what options, possibilities, strengths, and weaknesses this company might present for your future. After all, it is your life.

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Finally, your work will be a source of many things for you in life. It will help define your purpose and satisfy important needs, such as paychecks, self-esteem, intellectual curiosity, and that whole idea of connectedness. Jobs are the way we make a living in our culture, and each one is a large chunk of time, so why not be actively involved in the process?

A True Story A well-known partner in a prestigious law firm asked me once to speak with his daughter, who had just graduated from a highly accredited journalism school. I was happy to oblige her father, a colleague and a friend, because he and I have worked together and I know that he would do the same for me. I knew he would not waste my time, so I looked at it as a professional courtesy and set up the interview, thinking that I would also help her if she passed muster. She arrived on time, looking like a runway model. She is tall and striking, confident, and extremely well dressed (though showing cleavage). She wore jewelry that was clacking and clanging as she gathered her belongings to come into my office. She smiled at me with perfect teeth and moved forward to shake my hand. Her grip was firm and appropriate, and she made intentional eye contact. The young woman had been told that I did not have a job opening and that this was just a courtesy interview. I decided to give her some of my time. If she was impressive enough, I would help her network or find others in a position to help her land a job or agree to send her on to other networked and influential people in our market who might hire her. As we walked to my office, she thanked me for the opportunity and told me that she knew how busy I was and that her father

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had spoken highly of me. She said all the right things, and I formed a first impression in a few minutes that would be difficult to erase. Can you identify any warning signs I might have picked up on? She sat down across from me and immediately plopped a rather large and heavy bag down on top of my desk. It had chains and locks literally hanging off of it, and it took up a good amount of space on my desk. She began rummaging around inside the bag, reminding me of Mary Poppins and her own amazing bag (which contained a floor lamp). Finally, she came up with her résumé, and pulled it out of the mess that I imagined was lurking inside this brightly colored leather accessory (which must have held serious or secret content—it had LOCKS hanging off it, for heavens sake!). I was quite sure that even by generous interpretations, it was not a professional briefcase with compartments for résumés and important papers. Hardly the collected and polished look I expected. I made a mental note to counsel her that she ought to give some thought to the presentation of her résumé—and I mean the literal presentation, not the state of or condition of her written credentials: how she finds it, how she pulls it out to show someone, and how she hands it over. She straightened out the corners and laughed as she explained that her bag was in need of a good clean out. This helped with the conversation, but did little to impress. Details matter a lot in the business world, and being prepared is key. Looking good is secondary to the hard work involved in being prepared. We only had 30 minutes, and too much time had already been spent on the résumé retrieval. The young woman casually mentioned to me while digging around that she thought her dad had e-mailed the résumé to me. BIG MISTAKE! BIG RED FLAG! This was not Daddy’s interview, and this was not Daddy’s impression or responsibility. We moved on to what I consider to be very serious issues. 118

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Her résumé had three errors on the top half of the first page. I never got any further down; I saw the first one right away, and no doubt showed my dismay. Typos are simply unacceptable, particularly when you are trying to sell your abilities and potential. They show a lack of attention, a lack of understanding, and a lack of preparedness. They are the absolute worst impression one can make when interviewing for a job in public relations or any communication field, including journalism. The interview was essentially over for me, though I did finish out the obligatory 30 minutes. I brought the typos to her attention. She giggled aloud and said that she was in a hurry because she did not know her dad was asking me to see her on this particular day—she thought it might be later in the month. She explained that she had decided to keep the appointment, since he had already set it up. RED FLAGS EVERYWHERE. She was still daddy’s little girl, and was evidently not quite ready to stand on her own two feet. Daddy had worked harder on this interview than she had, I think. Then came the really hard part. I had to constructively explain that while this interview would not be fruitful in getting her a real job, I had much to share. I spent the last few minutes explaining that competent, just-graduated candidates for a public relations career see themselves as solid writers who have an interest in entry-level jobs where they can learn and be trained for future positions as strategists and counselors for complex communication projects. She seemed happy enough for the information, and apologized. However, it was as clear as the nose on my face that she was not prepared in any of the ways I consider basic and essential. • She did not know anything about our firm, except that her “daddy” knew me. • She did not know what competent PR people do. • She did not have any idea how significant writing ability is in terms of tactical reality. 119

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• She was completely unaware of the importance of delivering a polished and collected presentation. • She did not have any writing samples with her. What she did understand was what I call the “MTV approach” to interviewing, which is a lot about fashion, style, and getting attention. None of that really cuts it in professional work. If you are presenting yourself to a reputable and successful company, a job candidate must be aware of more than just the basics. Your attire sends micro-messages that are picked up in milliseconds, communicating a tremendous amount of information. If you are representing a reputable and successful company, you need to know its standards, and impress accordingly. Having a well-written résumé communicates similarly. It says that you realize the importance of accuracy, style, attention to detail, and word choice. It should provide a glimpse into the strength of your writing ability and other variables that distinguish you from your competition. A résumé alone rarely gets you hired, but it is your calling card and should not be underestimated. Your résumé is a reflection of you. If you are a young graduate, you will not have much professional experience, but there are ways to demonstrate your interest and potential on a résumé. You must seek information about how to prepare the most complete résumé you can, and you must be able to talk about your strengths and accomplishments. All successful people learn to do this, and the sooner you can do it, the better off you will be.

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A Simple Model Start by acquiring general knowledge about the company or organization you are seeking employment with. Make it obvious in the interview that you have done your homework— not by taking over the interview, but by working your information into the logical order of things. Who started the company? Why? What city or marketplace was it founded in? Is it a public or private company? Is it family-owned, or is it a corporation where a board of directors governs policy? Is it a non-profit? What is the current state of the organization? Is the economy a factor in the success or downturn of the way the business or organization is run? Who are the principal decision makers? What is the background of those people? Is there a connection you might be able to make (you attended the same school, grew up in the same city, know individuals in common, or have common experiences)? I remember having the old “I was a waitress, too” conversation in many job interviews. And let’s clear up something else on this topic. Name-dropping is usually a mistake, but having genuine information or knowledge about a person is not a mistake. There’s a difference: If you have met someone, it does not mean that you “know” him or her. However, if you genuinely know an individual whom the interviewer knows as well, there is no harm speaking of that in a professional way. I won’t care that you are drinking buddies, but I might care that you interned for Mr. or Ms. Important Person, or worked part-time for them while you were in high school. In other words, speak of the in-common person as it relates to the job opening, not to impress. How are you supposed to find this information? Think about it. What are the ways that we become better informed? The obvious is the Internet, but there are many other ways. Start by reading the daily paper in the market where you plan to work. There is plenty of useful information published or on television, and if ever there was a media-savvy generation, 121

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you are it! Download podcasts from sources you trust to search for supporting information. Find out about competitors, market conditions, the industry in general, and leaders at the company or organization level and at the industry level. Become immersed. Even if you do not get the job, you will be better informed. Seek the opinion of your mentors or others in the know. Ask questions of anyone who has a higher level of knowledge. This might get you in the door if the person you ask for information knows the person or company you are trying to get into and offers to help. (I have done that for students whom I think are worth the investment.) The bottom line is to find ways to be better informed—not just about the company or one of the executives, but about the larger framework, where it all makes sense. Work in this information while answering questions or explaining your interests. I can’t think of a single instance where I was turned off by a candidate who knew too much about me or my company or how I do business! Don’t be an arrogant knowit-all. Do the homework needed to speak intelligently and beyond the very obvious. It is refreshing and impressive, and definitely not the norm, so you are positioning yourself for success.

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How to Become Better Informed! 1. List ways to become better informed about the company or organization you are interested in. Be specific. • • • 2. List the people who can offer help or information to help you become better informed. Include their phone numbers and e-mail addresses. •

•

•

•

•

•

3. Make a list of at least five specific questions you should ask to become better informed on the topics, companies, organizations, or people you want to learn more about. a. b. c. d. e. 4. Ask yourself how the companies and organizations you are interested in fit into the related industry, and what position they are in. List sources of such information, and commit to doing the work required to acquire it. •

•

5. List specific books, periodicals, journals, and other news sources you can consult to learn more about the industry and topics of interest to the company. Then begin your effort to impress! • • •

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Chapter 14

Humility and Self-Confidence

We all know a few confident people: They walk into a room and command attention, or amaze us with abilities we yearn to have. They smile easily and are composed, conveying comfort and self-assurance, with no need to impress. They listen closely and we find ourselves wanting to be in their company. Selfconfidence is an elixir that can help you make things happen. When I think of self-confidence, I think of specific clients who have been in the public eye for professional reasons, attracting more than an average amount of attention. Some of these individuals are professional athletes who compete in front of tens of thousands of people. Others run billion-dollar companies. All of them command attention as professionals, yet when they are away from their spheres of influence or domains of power, they exude humility. They do not overestimate their importance, and appear to understand that being accomplished in one area of life does not automatically mean they are accomplished in other areas or professions. Such individuals do not see the need to fake any kind of knowledge, but rather seek to learn from others who have more information or experience.

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No one is a better example of this than a former NFL player I know who was asked as a local celebrity to dance during a fundraiser that involved ballroom dancing—something he had zero knowledge about. After considerable deliberation and many discussions with his wife, he decided to go for it. He admitted that he was really scared, but graciously accepted the challenge to open himself up publicly and be a part of the effort to raise money for victims of domestic violence. He believed the cause was worthy of his time and even potential embarrassment. This former NFL player went to every single lesson. As frustrated as he often was, he stuck with it, but he had nightmares about falling, or dropping the professional dancer he was matched with. He did not assume that because he was good at one thing, it would automatically transfer to another. He was willing to work, ask questions, and get out of his comfort zone. And he did it under the glare of publicity, which meant cameras watching his every move—mistakes and all! If you are scared to try something new, let me reassure you: You are not alone. You have probably been scared before, right? And it all worked out, didn’t it? Success breeds confidence. After a while, you will conquer your fear and accept and even appreciate it as a motivating factor. Learn to welcome fear. Step right into it! Remember that almost everything we do for the first time is scary. Go back to babies and watch them take the first step: They are wobbly, awkward, and unsure, and they look to their parents’ smiling faces to gather the courage to move one stubborn foot in front of the other. They fall, but they get back up and go at it again. The big difference is that with babies, we encourage, motivate, inspire, and pour our hearts into supporting their most basic effort. In real life, each of us has to get up on our own, often dealing with some kind of adversity. But again, it can be done and it is done. YOU CAN DO IT, TOO!

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Always look inside first. So much of moving forward to live the life you want to live lies in making the honest examination we talked about in the very first chapter. You must grapple with and meet any resistance you are facing head on if you want to chart your own course. You must acknowledge, face, and conquer whatever odds you see before you. When you do, you will begin to understand that even the most basic success breeds more of the same. So stop your world for a few minutes. Go inside your head to that place where no one else goes, and look for all the things you do that hold you back. I’ll help stoke the flames with what I hear and see in young people I know that they say holds them back: “I love my boyfriend/girlfriend and don’t want to leave him.” “My parents won’t pay for it.” “I don’t like cold/hot weather.” “I can’t make a living there.” “Why should I leave here?” “I am moving home because my parents won’t pay for me to pursue my dream.” Hmmmm. Don’t these look like lightly veiled excuses, parading around as reasons? If my hunch is right, all of these “reasons” are just to cover up fear. Young people are scared, because being a college graduate implies adult behavior, adult responsibilities, and, well, growing up. It is exhilarating if you are prepared, but it is just as terrifying if you are not. Lack of preparedness is mostly what I see in the eyes of college seniors facing the suddenly very large world! Where did the last four years go? Why didn’t I listen more carefully? How do I do a résumé? Where do I go for help? How am I going to do this?

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You will do it by shedding all your extra baggage: bad habits, boyfriend or girlfriend, friends who no longer are true connections, preconceived notions, lack of discipline, and so on. You will have to come to grips with all the losses that come with life that Judith Viorst spoke of in her excellent book Necessary Losses, originally published in 1987. You are at your own crossroads: You must choose to grow up, or choose to stay where you are. It is an important stage, to be sure, and the process you will have to go through will likely cause you to lose sleep, lose or gain weight and give you feelings of worry, regret, anxiety, or sheer terror. You might have vivid dreams, or want to laugh or cry out of frustration. It is even possible that you will feel more insecure than you ever have at any other time in your life. It is all normal, because you are on the brink of becoming an adult. While it is intoxicating, it is also real and mysterious. You have never been in exactly this place before, and you probably never will be here again in quite the same way. So shed the excess baggage, get focused, and look inside yourself. If you have not yet done what you need to do, don’t fret. You get to wake up tomorrow and start all over again. You can do this—lots of people who have gone before you have. But you will have to become far more focused and better prepared than your competition. Accept this reality, and get rid of the people who say you can’t or who hold you back or down. It’s time. (It’s probably past time, but that is what being a late bloomer means. So what?)

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Ask questions. Start asking questions and talk to people who matter. Ask all of the questions that have been milling around in your mind that somehow have held you back. All of the questions that you wanted to ask but thought might be disrespectful. All the questions you know you need answered in order to get to the next step or level or plateau. Review the chapter on manners, and make sure to ask all of your questions with the highest level of respect and courtesy. You will be nothing short of amazed at what you learn and get back in the form of mentoring. Shake the nerves and make yourself do it. A young man I know wanted very much to play college baseball. He was given the opportunity to attend a tryout practice, but there was an e-mail mix-up and he never made it. He knew he had to explain to the coach why he wasn’t there to try out, but he was intimidated and fearful about how the coach would react. He left a voice message immediately, but he knew that he needed to speak to the coach face-to-face to reassure him that he was truly interested in playing on the team and tell him he was sorry about the screw up. Playing college ball was his dream, and in his mind, so much was at risk because he missed the tryouts. This determined young man did not let fear paralyze him. Instead, he faced it down and went to the field to talk to the coach, not knowing whether he would be ignored, yelled at, or immediately kicked off the field. All this didn’t escape the veteran coach, who knew all too well how intimidating it is for young people to have to face an authority figure who holds one of the keys to their future. But adults look for signs of character as well as ability, and this young man passed both tests. He also proved to himself that he could do what he needed to do, and it gave him new confidence that he would be able to work through his fears the next time. 129

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The Importance of Asking Questions One very simple way to become more comfortable with others is to learn how to gracefully and politely ask questions. Not only do you learn, but you become an engaging conversationalist. This is a very useful and important skill for professionals. Think about it. Almost everyone likes to talk about themselves and their interests. But the questions you ask have to be appropriate, or the other person might take offense. If you get some kind of signal that it is an inappropriate question, apologize or re-phrase the question. You might be embarrassed and feel very small, but almost any mistake can be taken care of with good manners. A hand-written note softens most any blunder I can think of. A personal story: Years ago I guest lectured at an honors English class at a very large public high school. A shy young man in the back corner slowly raised his hand to ask a question. I stopped talking to give him the floor so he would know that I was actively listening to him. He seemed to struggle with how to ask his question, which was how much money I made. I had encouraged the students to ask questions, but this one surprised me. The class laughed at the question, and the student seemed mildly uncomfortable. I decided that the question was perfectly normal, although awkward, and worth an answer. I did not want to provide a figure, since my income is complicated (and I often do not know it until the end of the year, anyway). However, I wanted to reward his courage in asking. I called for a show of hands as to who else wanted to know the exact same thing he was asking. Almost every hand shot up. One girl loudly protested that it was rude to ask this kind of question. I explained that while I thought it was a very good and normal question, it was also personal, and I was not comfortable talking specifically about my income. I said that I would be happy to provide a range that people in my 130

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profession typically earn. I used the opportunity to stress higher education for higher-earning potential. When the class was over, I went over to the student (who seemed a little embarrassed) to tell him that he had done something that no one else in the class had the guts to do, and that I thought it was admirable. I reassured him that his question was a little edgy, but in no way did it offend me. He went on to become a journalism student at an excellent state university, and I have reminded him since that occasion that he is perfectly suited for this important work. So, in learning to ask questions, you also learn about life. You learn which people are good at talking about themselves, which ones might be willing to mentor you, which people are shy, and which ones are outgoing. You might learn how to solve a problem, how to build a doghouse, or how to make a new recipe. Someone might even spark an interest you never knew you had—all this just because you ask appropriate questions! When you ask about others, you turn yourself into a more interesting person because you are giving someone else the chance to be front and center. You walk away more informed and more comfortable in a room full of strangers. Conversation is an art that is always in demand, and I admire those who do it well. It is a skill that can open all kinds of amazing doors for you. And best of all, it is a skill that will never leave you.

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How good are you at the art of making conversation? Think about how you would answer these questions about this important life skill. 1. How good are you at talking about something other than yourself? 2. What are some ways you stop yourself when you realize that you are talking too much about yourself? 3. List some general questions that you might pose to others when you first meet them. 4. List some general themes you think are safe subjects of conversation when you are just meeting someone for the first time. 5. How do you react when someone asks you what you consider to be an inappropriate question? Could you handle it more gracefully? How so? 6. If you could ask three questions of your fantasy hero, what would they be? 7. What are some ways you can get outside your comfort zone to open new avenues for self-discovery? Try to think of three.

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A Final Word

Okay. You finished what you started and read the book all the way through. I hope you learned something and made up your mind to do something with your life. GO FOR IT. My goal was to nudge you and be that little voice that encourages you to trust yourself, take a chance, and believe that you can do it. If you want to be THAT person, think THIS about your life: Remember that it is your life. You get to choose from here on in. If you make a mistake, you must own up to it and move forward. Remember where you want to go, and be sure you head in that direction. Be courageous enough to see your strengths and your failures for what they really are. When you take the first real step along the path to where you want to end up, you will have to make some big decisions. Remember that a career is very different from a job: No matter what, you will need to make a plan and have to make sacrifices along the way to the bigger goal. You are grooming yourself for that career, internally and externally. No one else can do it for you! Present your physical self and your mental self professionally. Dress appropriately and behave appropriately—not what you think is appropriate, but what is appropriate for a career professional. And that includes manners and respect for others when it comes to technology.

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Every now and then—daily, if you can—be still and listen. Listen to others, and listen to yourself. Be gracious when others offer to help you, and let them. And remember to thank everyone who helps you in any way along the way. Prepare, prepare, prepare. There is no such thing as being over prepared! And this includes learning about things that you have never had much interest in. The more well rounded you are, the more confident you will feel and the better you will perform. It will pay off in many ways throughout your life. Remember this, too: I am in your corner. If you need a cheerleader, I am it. I truly believe that every one of you possesses unlimited potential. What your journey has been thus far is just fuel for your future, good or not so good. As you move ahead toward the career you choose, don’t forget to make the necessary adjustments along the way and to enjoy the process. You can do it.

Your future is up to you.

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About the Author

Lisa Brock is a public relations professional with nearly 30 years of experience serving national and international clients. Her full-service public relations and marketing firm in Tampa, Florida specializes in media relations, crisis management, and sports marketing. Lisa and her staff have worked with major U.S. corporations and been involved in large-scale business expansions and public events. An experienced moderator and facilitator in crisis intervention and issues management, Lisa has mediated in situations requiring great sensitivity, ranging from criminal cases involving pedophilia to drug and alcohol abuse in the workplace, environmental issues, white-collar crime, death and disease, celebrity publicity, foundation management, race relations, and gender equality. Lisa began her career immediately upon graduation from Florida State University, where she was recruited into Procter and Gamble’s management-training program. She later moved on to become the public relations manager for the AnheuserBusch-owned Busch Gardens Tampa Bay, and then leader of marketing efforts for a $35 million entertainment-complex expansion project. Super Bowl XV; the Dress for Humanity world tour of royal costumes owned and worn by the late Diana, Princess of Wales; the Olympic Games; World Cup Tennis; and the Royal Palaces in London are among her firm’s professional clients.

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This book is an outgrowth of Lisa’s commitment to social welfare and mentorship. She has been involved in homelessshelter work and in issues related to young people for her entire adult life, and takes a special interest in the personal development of girls and young women. As an adjunct university professor, coach, board member, fundraiser, businesswoman, mother, stepmother, and working professional, Lisa Brock draws on her own unusual and difficult experiences to help young people find and travel on their own path to a productive and satisfying life. Goodbye College—Hello Life! Go-To Answers from a Got-There Grown-Up is her first book.

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