Dissertating During a Pandemic: Narratives of Success From Scholars of Color (Contemporary Perspectives on Access, Equity, and Achievement) 1648027865, 9781648027864

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Dissertating During a Pandemic

A volume in Contemporary Perspectives on Access, Equity, and Achievement Chance W. Lewis, Series Editor

Contemporary Perspectives on Access, Equity, and Achievement Chance W. Lewis, Series Editor Reimagining School Discipline for the 21st Century Student: Engaging Students, Practitioners, and Community Members (2021) John A. Williams III and Chance W. Lewis Black Mother Educators: Advancing Praxis for Access, Equity, and Achievement (2021) Tambra O. Jackson The Impact of Classroom Practices: Teacher Educators’ Reflections on Culturally Relevant Teachers (2021) Antonio L. Ellis, Nathaniel Bryan, Yolanda Sealey-Ruiz, Ivory Toldson, and Christopher Emdin Seeing The Hidden Minority: Increasing the Talent Pool Through Identity, Socialization, and Mentoring Constructs (2020) Andrea L. Tyler, Stephen Hancock, and Sonyia C. Richardson Multiculturalism in Higher Education: Increasing Access and Improving Equity in the 21st Century (2020) C. Spencer Platt, Adriel A. Hilton, Christopher Newman, and Brandi Hinnant-Crawford Conquering Academia: Transparent Experiences of Diverse Female Doctoral Students (2019) Sonyia C. Richardson and Chance W. Lewis Community College Teacher Preparation for Diverse Geographies: Implications for Access and Equity for Preparing a Diverse Teacher Workforce (2019) Mark M. D’Amico and Chance W. Lewis Comprehensive Multicultural Education in the 21st Century: Increasing Access in the Age of Retrenchment (2019) Brandi Hinnant-Crawford, C. Spencer Platt, Christopher Newman, and Adriel A. Hilton Global Perspectives on Issues and Solutions in Urban Education (2019) Petra A. Robinson, Ayana Allen-Handy, Amber Bryant, and Chance W. Lewis Let’s Stop Calling it an Achievement Gap: How Public Education in the United States Maintains Disparate Educational Experiences for Students of Color (2019) Autumn A. Arnett Responding to the Call for Educational Justice: Transformative Catholic-Led Initiatives in Urban Education (2018) L. Mickey Fenzel and Melodie Wyttenbach Recruiting, Retaining, and Engaging African-American Males at Selective Public Research Universities: Challenges and Opportunities in Academics and Sports (2018) Louis A. Castenel, Tarek C. Grantham, and Billy J. Hawkins

Engaging African American Males in Community Colleges (2018) Ted N. Ingram and James Coaxum III Advancing Equity and Diversity in Student Affairs: A Festschrift in Honor of Melvin C. Terrell (2017) Jerlando F. L. Jackson, LaVar J. Charleston, and Cornelius Gilbert Cultivating Achievement, Respect, and Empowerment (CARE) for African American Girls in PreK–12 Settings: Implications for Access, Equity and Achievement (2016) Patricia J. Larke, Gwendolyn Webb-Hasan, and Jemimah L. Young R.A.C.E. Mentoring Through Social Media: Black and Hispanic Scholars Share Their Journey in the Academy (2016) Donna Y. Ford, Michelle Trotman Scott, Ramon B. Goings, Tuwana T. Wingfield, and Malik S. Henfield White Women’s Work: Examining the Intersectionality of Teaching, Identity, and Race (2016) Stephen Hancock and Chezare A. Warren Reaching the Mountaintop of the Academy: Personal Narratives, Advice and Strategies From Black Distinguished and Endowed Professors (2015) Gail L. Thompson, Fred A. Bonner II, and Chance W. Lewis School Counseling for Black Male Student Success in 21st Century Urban Schools (2015) Malik S. Henfield and Ahmad R. Washington Exploring Issues of Diversity within HBCUs (2015) Ted N. Ingram, Derek Greenfield, Joelle D. Carter, and Adriel A. Hilton Priorities of the Professoriate: Engaging Multiple Forms of Scholarship Across Rural and Urban Institutions (2015) Fred A. Bonner II, Rosa M. Banda, Petra A. Robinson, Chance W. Lewis, and Barbara Lofton Autoethnography as a Lighthouse: Illuminating Race, Research, and the Politics of Schooling (2015) Stephen Hancock, Ayana Allen, and Chance W. Lewis Teacher Education and Black Communities: Implications for Access, Equity and Achievement (2014) Yolanda Sealey-Ruiz, Chance W. Lewis, and Ivory Toldson Improving Urban Schools: Equity and Access in K–16 STEM Education (2013) Mary Margaret Capraro, Robert M. Capraro, and Chance W. Lewis Black Males in Postsecondary Education: Examining their Experiences in Diverse Institutional Contexts (2012) Adriel A. Hilton, J. Luke Wood, and Chance W. Lewis Yes We Can! Improving Urban Schools through Innovative Educational Reform (2011) Leanne L. Howell, Chance W. Lewis, and Norvella Carter

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Dissertating During a Pandemic Narratives of Success From Scholars of Color edited by

Ramon B. Goings University of Maryland, Baltimore County

Sherella Cupid Louisiana State University

Montia D. Gardner KIPP Minnesota

Antione D. Tomlin Anne Arundel Community College

INFORMATION AGE PUBLISHING, INC. Charlotte, NC • www.infoagepub.com

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data   A CIP record for this book is available from the Library of Congress   http://www.loc.gov ISBN: 978-1-64802-785-7 (Paperback) 978-1-64802-786-4 (Hardcover) 978-1-64802-787-1 (E-Book)

Copyright © 2022 Information Age Publishing Inc. All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, microfilming, recording or otherwise, without written permission from the publisher. Printed in the United States of America

CONTENTS

Introduction........................................................................................... xi

SECT I O N I FOSTERING IDENTITY AS COMMUNITY 1 Hoping Against Odds: Dissertating Amidst a Pandemic.................... 3 Arpita Mandal 2 You Can Finish This Dissertation on Your Own, But You Don’t Have To: Leveraging Your Community Capital................................. 11 Andréa Rodriguez 3 Dissertating During a Pandemic: Scholars of Colors Share Stories for Success................................................................................ 17 Eric Jackson 4 Working Together Apart: The Role of Black Female Cultural Safe Spaces in the Midst of a Pandemic............................................. 25 Iris Minor 5 Sobrevivencia Y Aguante [Surviving-Thriving and Withstanding]: Building Resilience in Graduate School During the COVID-19 Era....................................................................................... 33 Alpha Martínez-Suárez



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SECT I O N I I LOSS, GRIEF, AND HEALING 6 Uncertain and Unpacking: How Moving and Rebuilding Our Home During COVID-19 Led to Reinventing My Work........... 47 Michiko M. Kealoha 7 PanDAMNic: A Working Married Mother’s Quest on Writing Her Dissertation Proposal During the Times of COVID-19............. 61 Tunisia Lumpkin 8 Bent to the Brink: Mothering, Healing, and Dissertating During the Pandemic........................................................................... 69 Whitneé Garrett-Walker 9 How to Redefine and Re-Imagine Success During Your Dissertation Process............................................................................. 77 Nadika Paranamana

SECT I O N I I I PARENTING AND MANAGING 10 Managing Intersecting Identities While Dissertating in Place......... 87 Michelle C. Sermon 11 Dissertating While Mothering During a Pandemic: Some Tips for Black and Brown Academic Mamas........................... 95 Nadejda I. Webb 12 Single Mom, ABD............................................................................... 103 Patricia M. Virella

SECT I O N I V BECOMING PHINISHED 13 “It Just Got Real!”: Dissertating Under the Tripartite Pressure of the COVID-19 Pandemic, Anti-Black Racism, and the Academic Job Market......................................................................... 113 Francena F. L. Turner

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14 It Ain’t Over ’Til You’re Done............................................................ 121 Quantrilla Ard 15 Dissertating While Black: Precarities and Possibilities During COVID-19.............................................................................. 127 Shawn S. Savage 16 Identifying Opportunities and Making Space: Increasing Productivity During a Pandemic....................................................... 137 Tamela C. Thomas 17 Dissertation as Protest: Uplifting Black Experiences Amidst of Two Global Pandemics................................................................... 145 Channing Mathews 18 Writing Amidst Challenge: Tiny Tasks, Emotional Residue, and Quieting Your Inner Critic......................................................... 151 Rebeca Gamez About the Editors............................................................................... 159 About the Contributors...................................................................... 161

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INTRODUCTION

Just like the entire world, no one could ever imagine that by March 2020 our way of life as we know it would be drastically changed. From long lines at the grocery store, wearing masks, and the loss of loved ones, society has been and continues to be impacted by the onset of COVID-19. Given that education is a microcosm of society, education as we know it also was uprooted. In higher education specifically institutions had to make an immediate shift to online learning. Now at the time of this writing we are a little over 1 year removed from the onset of COVID-19 and it appears that due to increased access to vaccines and other precautions we may begin to assume some “normalcy.” However, we argue that due to the uniqueness of the past year as scholars we must document this important time in our history. As you can imagine, since March 2020 there has been a significant amount of popular education press and scholarly conversations about the impact of this pandemic on various aspects of higher education. These conversations included exploring the impact of institution’s reopening plans on the spread of COVID-19 (Mangrum & Niekamp, 2020) and the impact the pandemic has on faculty tenure and promotion cases (Connolly, 2020) and how faculty have experienced social distancing (Adams & Tyson, 2020). Sadly, many of these conversations have outlined the devastating impact shifting to online learning had on the financial outlook of many college campuses. There has been a justifiable focus on the impact of COVID-19 on undergraduate students. Given the residential nature of most colleges, the discourse has centered around how institutions can bring undergraduates back to campus.

Dissertating During a Pandemic, pages xi–xviii Copyright © 2022 by Information Age Publishing All rights of reproduction in any form reserved.

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However, the popular and scholarly discourse has not focused in depth on the impact COVID-19 has had on graduate students generally and specifically doctoral students of color completing their dissertations. While some may argue that we are soon returning to a pre-COVID-19 lifestyle on campuses, the reality is that for doctoral students conducting research, COVID-19 will have a longer lasting impact on the research process. For example, doctoral students who typically would conduct data collection in person are now developing virtual alternatives or having to discard their research plans altogether. Additionally, while dissertation defenses in the past were often an inperson gathering with family and friends, doctoral students, and their committee members, dissertation has also shifted online which has presented its own set of challenges around access to reliable Internet and technology. Additionally, due to faculty transitioning to online learning institution review board (IRB) processes were impacted and the slower response times have impacted the completion timelines for many doctoral students. Given this aforementioned context for doctoral students completing the dissertation the editors of this book initially came together to document our experiences as both faculty (Ramon) and doctoral students who wrote and defended their dissertations during the pandemic (Sherella, Montia, & Antione). Our initial conversations led to us writing a book chapter that provided strategies for doctoral students on how to navigate the dissertation process during the pandemic and the role that faculty have in supporting their doctoral students (Goings et al., in press). Through that collaboration we came to quickly recognize that our experiences were not unique as there were many doctoral students of color siloed in institutions who were handling the ramifications of the pandemic (e.g., supporting children in online learning, taking care of relatives) while trying to write their dissertations. Thus, after some initial conversations we decided that we wanted to document those experiences, which led to the creation of this edited volume. PURPOSE OF THE BOOK Dissertating During a Pandemic: Narratives of Success From Scholars of Color was developed to examine the experiences of doctoral students of color writing the dissertation currently and those who successfully defended their dissertation after the onset of COVID-19 and subsequent shutting down of college campuses in March 2020. While we know that scholars of color experience many barriers to completing the dissertation process prior to COVID-19 such as being in hostile academic environments and being engaged in research areas that may not be supported by predominantly White faculty, it is important to consider how scholars of color are managing the dissertation process during this pandemic.

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We approach this book from an asset-based approach where chapter authors are approaching both the challenges and opportunities they have experienced due to being a dissertation writer during the pandemic. Chapter authors also provide poignant feedback on how professors can be supportive to their needs as dissertation writers. One especially important contribution of this book is that our authors are from a variety of disciplines including: education, social work, psychology, African American studies, and sociology. Additionally, chapter authors are doctoral candidates (and recent graduates) at predominantly White institutions, historically Black colleges and universities, and online universities. Given the breadth of institution types each chapter will provide poignant suggestions for doctoral students across the nation as well as for faculty who are looking to better understand the dissertation writer experience to support their own students. We see this book as a volume that can be used in doctoral programs across the nation as inspiration to doctoral students on how despite the various challenges that happen during the process they too can experience success and complete their dissertations. Individual Chapter Overviews In Chapter 1, Mandal, an international student, whose dissertation investigates postcolonial literature to reflect on the interconnectedness of everyone to structural systems, such as the department of education. In response to the potential loss of student visas, the author felt a deeper understanding of Butler’s notion of percurity. Chapter 2, authored by Andréa Rodriguez, a first generation Latina high school and college graduate, explores the challenges and barriers in pursuit of higher education degrees for various underrepresented student groups. Additionally, Rodriguez shares the three most important strategies she used in the completion of her dissertation during the pandemic. Eric Jackson, a full-time employee and doctoral student, discusses in Chapter 3 the realizations of being amid a global pandemic with the “time to completion” clock still ticking for him and his degree timeline. Additionally, he shares how social distancing became the tool he needed to get closer to my writing. In Chapter 4, Iris Minor, a graduate student, shared the loss in productivity and increased workload as a result of the pandemic. Her study, which centers Black women doctoral students at PWIs and their cultural safe space, reflected her lived experience as Black woman doctoral student. Primarily, her sister circle was the intervention to address her isolation, and feelings of imposter syndrome. Chapter 5 by Alpha Martinez-Suarez, discusses how she engaged in autohistoria as a resilience-building exercise that was essential when negotiating

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spaces, time, and resources required when complying with the demands of finishing the dissertation process. Through reflection and self-discovery, she navigated multiple positionalities as a doctoral student and mother, wife, daughter, sister, teacher educator, graduate research assistant, advocate, ally, and activist for minoritized populations including mine during these historic and unfathomable times. In Chapter 6, Michiko Kealoha, a full-time employee and doctoral student, shares her journey as she navigates through community job loss, home loss, sickness, and the start of her dissertation journey during an international pandemic. From unearthing old neighborhood trauma while moving back into her childhood home to utilizing new video editing skills during qualifying presentations and “docposals,” Kealoha presents her re-imagining of a participatory action research project about social movements and racial justice during shelter in place. Tunisia Lumpkin—a doctoral student, mother, wife, and career woman—in Chapter 7 shares how she manages grief, COVID-19, working from home, and virtual K–12 learning, while completing her doctoral program. Additionally, Lumpkin leaves the reader with a well of resources that will help one to find balance, manage great loss, and develop a support system that will lay a foundation for success. In Chapter 8, Whitneé Garrett-Walker, an assistant principal and doctoral student, discusses her experiences as a pregnant Black queer woman doctoral candidate and Black school leader. The chapter delves into the gift of sacred time that COVID-19 gave her. Additionally, Garrett-Walker explores her usage of that time to analyze healing experiences from elders while simultaneously healing herself. In Chapter 9, Nadika Paranamana, a doctoral candidate in clinical psychology, shares her perspective as a person of color managing to re-imagine and redefine success after a physical health challenge during the completion of her dissertation amidst a global pandemic. Paranamana shares the challenges, adjustments, triumphs, and the redefining of what it means to be a successful doctoral student. In Chapter 10, Michelle Sermon, a social worker, parent, and wife, developed communities that she did not have prior to COVID-19 to refocus on her dissertation. Her dissertation examines the experiences of Black women in the rural South, hence during the heightened social awareness on the impacts of racism on the Black community, the pandemic provided her an opportunity to reflect on the importance, uniqueness and relevance of her work and occupation. Nadejda I. Webb, a full-time parent and doctoral student, in Chapter 11 provides intentional writing strategies while parenting. Additionally, Webb concludes that there are no quick ways to complete a dissertation and offers tactical approaches to help shift a chapter from “oh no” to finished.

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In Chapter 12, Patricia Virella, a doctoral candidate, discusses how her approach of writing a little per day became her practice toward finishing her dissertation. She explores her process for writing, along with the challenges and pitfalls. Lastly, she speaks to her successes towards completion. In Chapter 13, Francena Turner, a mother and research assistant, defended her dissertation, which analyzed the experiences of Black women college students during the civil rights and Black power movements. As a Black woman, the pandemic allowed her to find a deeper connection to her research study. Moreover, the pandemic caused her to shift her plan of finding employment after completing her doctoral studies to securing employment during. Shifting plans and expectations, caused her to come to terms with having middle school and college children, and navigating the job market during difficult social and economic times. Quantrilla Ard, a homeschooling mother and wife, who was already in an online PhD program, discussed managing her parental responsibilities while completing the final stages of her dissertation in Chapter 14. Ard defended her dissertation during the pandemic, and credited her renewed practice of discipline and planning as factors for completing her dissertation, although her calendar shifted. Moreover, she lived a full life during her dissertation process, and credited her family, particularly her grandmother, in completing her study on maternal stress on Black expecting mothers. In Chapter 15, Shawn Savage a full-time doctoral student and now dissertation completer, discusses how various uncertainties for physical, mental, and intellectual well-being impacted him in the pandemics of COVID-19 and anti-Blackness. Specifically, he details the impact of these uncertainties on him during the dissertation process. Additionally, he highlights the possibilities afforded, strategies utilized, as well as successes achieved—despite the inextricable intertwining of COVID-19 and anti-Blackness. In Chapter 16, Tamela Thomas explores her experiences writing and defending her dissertation while serving as a middle school principal. Her chapter also explores the complexities of finishing her dissertation, the change to virtual learning all while seeking a tenure-track position. Lastly, the chapter provides insights into how the quarantine provided her challenges to slow down and seek support. In Chapter 17, Channing J. Mathews, a doctoral candidate, shares her challenges of writing a dissertation about activism in the midst of the country’s racial upheaval and the COVID-19 pandemic. Mathews shares the tools that kept her focused, involved, and productive during a time of internal and external turmoil. In the final chapter, Rebeca Gamez, a first-generation Mexican immigrant graduate, shares the tools and tips to completing the dissertation in

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the midst of two pandemics; COVID-19 and the anti-Black social upheaval in the country due to the deaths of George Floyd and Breonna Taylor. STRATEGIES FOR DOCTORAL SUCCESS AMID A PANDEMIC Considering the experiences of the chapter authors, as editors for this volume we looked at each chapter as a form of data to explore themes across the chapter. Thus, to conclude this chapter in the subsections below we provide recommendations and strategies for doctoral students that they can use to navigate writing their dissertation during a pandemic. We also argue that while the chapters focused on the pandemic, that the recommendations below should also be used beyond this unprecedented time. Creating Support Systems One of the significant themes apparent throughout the book is this notion of support systems. Each author explicitly calls upon their support systems to aid them in different stages and phases of their journey. Additionally, within the book, we note that a support system is one of the most helpful structures a doctoral student can have when dissertating. Further, the psychosocial value your support system or village provides can be instrumental in keeping you in harmony and enabling you to manage the peculiarities of the pandemic. A support system can be a formal system or an informal system. At the core, your system’s primary function is to serve as an environment built on love where you can give love and receive it. This cultivated environment will provide you with an outlet when you feel you cannot give yourself the push and motivation needed to keep going. Furthermore, you can have many different types of support systems. Other systems may include support from friends and family, social media, and your dissertation chair and committee, to name just a few. Preparing Your Family for the Journey While dissertating, work and family life can seem to overlap in stressful ways. We acknowledge that this may be even more of a challenge as you are dissertating during the pandemic. In these situations, while the work and family life lines can feel blurred, we encourage you to leverage having your family close and provide additional opportunities for them to understand a

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little more about your process. Making your family more part of the process could remove some barriers and feelings of separation or isolation for all involved. This invitation into your process of dissertating can also provide your family with a deeper understanding of your research, work, and passion. Thus, leading them to find more ways to support and encourage you to stay the course with finishing your project. Leverage Social Media Social media has proved to be a rich resource for students dissertating during the pandemic during a time of social distancing. Many of the authors in this book talked about finding support in different social media groups. Facebook, specifically, was discovered to be a wealth of knowledge. Some of the groups on Facebook that were helpful included “Qualitative Research in Education” and “The Dissertation Coach.” These groups can help with connecting with others who may have similar challenges as you. Moreover, you might find a new support system within these different groups. You may also find additional support and guidance related to logistical advice on how to keep your project moving forward. Dissertation Chair and Committee Do not forget that your chair and committee are there to support you as well. They want to see you succeed, so lean on them when you do not understand or need additional help. While your committee has the final say when you are ready to move forward with each stage in your process, they only want the best for you. Having said that, they do not read minds. It will help if you become comfortable with voicing your concerns and questions to your committee so that they have a clear understanding of what supports you may need to be successful. Transforming Space The stay at home orders caused our homes to shift into an everywhere place—house, office, library, cafe, and so on. Although our homes became our neighborhoods this was a challenge for many, because it was the stark reminder of loss of mobility. Consequently, some lost motivation to complete their dissertation because they had to tend to other concerns without the physical demarcation of roles and responsibilities. In response, many readjusted their space to reclaim their cafe, library, and office space. For

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example, some organized rooms or sections of a room within their homes, and designated that area as their dissertation nook. Within these dissertation nooks, they decorated their space to replicate a sense of normalcy, that is, hanging calendars, adding plants, and displaying mementos of inspirations. Thus, as we transition into a more virtual and remote society, to help maintain a sense of separation between our roles, organize your space to replicate what’s needed. A specific space for work, entertainment and rest is an effective way to manage your roles, create a sense of separation, and encourage discipline. Additionally, if you live with others, it helps them to see you shift into different roles as you occupy these specific spaces. Structure Your Time While not specific to the dissertation process, time is one of our most valuable assets and we never have enough of it. Thus, as dissertation writers, authors in this volume explored how to structure time to get through the process. As discussed by Goings (2021) approaching writing the dissertation as a binge writer looking for large chunks of time may not be the most advantageous strategy to completing the dissertation quickly. Rather several authors suggested that their key to success was to remain consistent with their writing. While maintaining balance was explained as challenging, authors believe that having a plan for structure is important before you start writing your first word. —Ramon Goings Sherella Cupid Montia Gardner Antione Tomlin REFERENCES Adams, R. D., & Tyson, C. A. (2020). “There is a Balm in Gilead”: Black Social Workers’ Spiritual Counterstory on the COVID-19 Crisis. Social Work in Public Health, 35(7), 523–532. Connolly, J. (2020, April 9). We need to rethink what counts for tenure now. Inside Higher Ed. https://www.insidehighered.com/advice/2020/04/09/covid-19 -demands-reconsideration-tenure-requirements-going-forward-opinion Goings, R. B. (2021). 14 secrets to a done dissertation: A guide for navigating the dissertation process and finishing in record time. Done Dissertation Coaching Program. Mangrum, D., & Niekamp, P. (2020). College student contribution to local COVID-19 spread. http://dx.doi.org/10.2139/ssrn.3606811

SECTION I FOSTERING IDENTITY AS COMMUNITY

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CHAPTER 1

HOPING AGAINST ODDS Dissertating Amidst a Pandemic Arpita Mandal Mount Holyoke College

Living through 2020 taught me a crucial lesson, life does not stop just because one is living through a year of collectively felt trials that have resonated differently for individuals. Below, I offer an outline of my dissertation, the challenges I faced in research due to the pandemic, and explore some of the unexpected opportunities that arose during these unique circumstances. I also share my organizational strategies along with the types of affirmation and motivation that kept me going. OVERVIEW OF DISSERTATION When the first wave of lockdown began in March 2020, I was almost halfway through writing my dissertation, “Ruptured Belonging: Postcolonial Perspectives on Witnessing Trauma,” of which I was revising the second

Dissertating During a Pandemic, pages 3–10 Copyright © 2022 by Information Age Publishing All rights of reproduction in any form reserved.

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chapter. My literary dissertation grapples with a crisis of belonging by interrogating what it means to belong for the gendered, racialized, politically othered postcolonial subject. Given my area of postcolonial literature, I conceptualize narratives of exclusion as a ruptured relationship between the individual subject and the postcolonial nation. Besides evoking a sense of brokenness, the term rupture also signifies trauma, a disruption, even a shattering of what used to be. While confronting the trauma in literary narratives is essential to me, I also look at how writers work on moving through, not past the trauma. CHALLENGES OF DISSERTATING DURING COVID-19 The lockdown, while collectively disrupting routines and habits, also narrowed my focus. For me, this meant spending more uninterrupted time at home with my dissertation. While juggling between a sudden shift to an online mode of teaching and struggling to keep my mind on my dissertation, I unexpectedly found research as a means of comprehending the peculiar challenges faced ahead of me. In particular, Judith Butler’s (2009) work on precarity in Frames of War: When Is Life Grievable? offered me a framework to make sense of my place in the larger schema of my disrupted life. Butler explains that “precariousness implies living socially, that is, the fact that one’s life is always in some sense in the hands of the other” (p. 14). While the pandemic has painfully proven this point to be accurate, an example being the contention, I found Butler’s reflections on unequally distributed precarity to be an essential point (pp. 2–3) with which to make sense of the year 2020 while dissertating. While the world grappled with intersecting global, international, and national states of precarity, I became aware of my political precarity as an international student, when President Donald Trump attempted to revoke visas for international students in the United States who were now enrolled in online-only classes due to COVID-19 restrictions (Jordan & Hartocollis, 2020). The now rescinded ruling threatened to interrupt studies, cause financial duress, and impose logistical hurdles, including but not limited to navigating sudden departures in case one could not comply with the new regulations to find hybrid or in-person classes for Fall 2020 at another college or university if none were offered at the originally enrolled institution. The rule was as quickly rescinded as it was placed (July 6–July 14, 2020), given the pressure Harvard and MIT exerted by suing the Trump administration (Jordan & Hartocollis, 2020).1 However, for international scholars like me preparing for the academic job market, this 8-day trial came in addition to the consistent updates from social media, news, and higher education news outlets that offered grim reminders about an already saturated

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academic market’s tenuous condition in the face of further budget cuts and loss of revenue. Feeling increasingly uncertain and unsure about my future post-graduation in May 2021, I attempted to juggle my academic deadlines with the books I had at hand, given that the university library’s physical books and interlibrary loans were inaccessible for health and safety reasons. While the university’s openness to purchase more eBooks ameliorated my distress at losing the library’s other resources, I struggled to focus and carve out regular time for my dissertation while taking care of my sick family member. When not grappling with my anxieties about the lack of progress on my dissertation, amongst other concerns, I struggled with guilt for my reduced ability to stay focused, think, and write. While it was true, as others often reassuringly pointed out, that “we are in a global pandemic,” I could not lose sight of the constraints of being an international scholar, where one’s graduation date and valid visa status are intertwined. This knowledge, too, fueled my anxiety about my ability to complete my dissertation in a timely fashion. OPPORTUNITIES IN COVID-19 Though the challenges of dissertating in a pandemic have been many, the increased isolation from the necessary physical distancing measures and quarantine, also offered me a chance to pause and reflect on the current events. The pandemic made apparent my dependency on other people, institutions, and policies for the outcome of my health, life, and future aspirations, that is, in Butler’s terms, my “precarity.” This epiphany was deeply discomforting, quite concerning, and even oddly humbling. For one, I realized that the sense of tiredness, malaise, and loss over a way of life that we knew is widely shared. This realization offered some respite and motivation to try my best for areas of my life that were under my control. I also learned the importance of practicing kindness towards myself when productivity levels were not soaring through the roof. I took this opportunity to reflect on the meaning of my research. For example, my dissertation’s exploration of the importance of belonging and representations of trauma in postcolonial literature and the ways race, gender, and class undercut belonging took on a newer level of significance and helped ground my thinking as I grappled with a shifted, if not disrupted sense of belonging. My work also offered me opportunities to examine how the various economic, social, and material displacements people face during COVID-19 were linked to their racialized, gendered, and class identities. Additionally, I experienced a shift in how I approached reading for my dissertation due to the work-from-home set-up. Before the pandemic, with travel time built in for my other activities, I would read for shorter bursts of

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time, extracting arguments and ideas relevant to my project. However, during the pandemic, physically staying in the same place allowed me to stay with the text. I found that my ability to wrestle with challenging texts had increased, partly because I started viewing my dissertation as a source of familiarity in what seemed to be increasingly unstable times. The widespread quarantine efforts, which initially induced chaos in my previous rhythms and flows, challenged me to adapt to a newer workflow where I had to reevaluate how to segment and manage my time. For instance, my schedule before the pandemic had a more visible structure, where not wherein I had to be in specific spaces at certain times—the classroom for teaching, in my office for office hours, and so on. With everything shifting online, I had to learn to separate my work-study spaces from my relaxation space, even if this meant a difference of 10 steps between my sofa and my worktable. I realized the importance of blocking out prime work time for dissertating, which for me were mornings usually. Strategies for Thriving and Writing a Dissertation During a Global Pandemic Below are some practical techniques I engaged in to keep up with writing and dissertating at large. 1. Communicate with the dissertation advisor/committee: Everyone’s challenges in this pandemic have been unique. Hence, communication with the advisory committee is crucial. The goal is not to write alone because writing does not and should not occur in a vacuum. Keep in touch with your advisors/committee members on the ideas you wish to explore, as well as the challenges or roadblocks emerging in your thinking and writing. Regular communication will prevent unsavory surprises for both sides and allow for a better sense of dissertating expectations. Given that books may not always be accessible as before and online copies for older texts may be unavailable, the dissertation committee may suggest alternative sources of access or texts. Plus, communicating regularly about the project can be motivating and reassuring since everyone will be on the same page. 2. Have a routine: The pandemic has undeniably disrupted and shifted routines. While my practice may not work for everyone, the goal is to have a manageable routine and stick to it. For example, have a consistent and realistic “report to work” time and bedtime. Though I aspire to be awake and functional at 6:00 a.m., I found it practical to be at my desk with a coffee mug in hand by 9:00 a.m. from Monday–Friday. Part of the disruption in my schedule came from

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the “work from home” lifestyle, which obliterated any semblance of time passing. To combat this, I mapped out my schedule for each day of the week on an Excel sheet. I color-coded the times meant for reading/writing, the time meant for teaching/grading, time for working out and relaxing, and so on. Having a visual reminder meant I could break down the various tasks/commitments of work– family and allot a certain number of hours each day for each of the commitments. Also, mapping out my semester with due dates on my wall calendar served as an additional reminder of my routine and work obligations. 3. Exercise and sleep: Amongst other philosophical revelations, the pandemic quite early on taught me to value my mental health and body, especially my back, since I spent hours on my computer chair not moving. Though expounding on the mental health benefits of exercising may seem redundant, I will risk both the censure and the redundancy here. Both regular exercise and sleep consistently helped me with focusing on work, having more energy, and providing me with an outlet for wrestling with my anxieties. I found solace in running the (free) C25K app in addition to other home workout apps. While exercising has many well-known health benefits (hello endorphins!), making the time for working out regularly also allowed me to feel more in control of my life, given that the economic and job market did not. Therefore, getting a healthy amount of sleep and regular exercise allowed me to engage my writing and reading with a fresh mind. 4. Keep a list of tasks/to-do list: Writing a dissertation or even a chapter of the dissertation is a mammoth task. Chunking the tasks not only makes the process more efficient but also manageable. In Word/ Excel or an old-fashioned notebook, list out everything necessary to get the chapter written. This can include a list of all the books and articles that need to be read. I also found it helpful to have a due date next to each reading/task in an Excel sheet. When in the writing stage, plan out portions of the chapter that need to be written out. For example, my “list of tasks” included crafting an introduction, providing historical context, offering a close analysis of a primary text, writing out my argument, and so on. The more specific the task, the easier it will be to manage the larger project. The list of tasks can be divided into daily tasks, weekly tasks, and monthly tasks. Make sure to review the list, cross out accomplished goals, and revise the list as necessary to account for hiccups. 5. Find your organizational mojo: During my 3 years of dissertating, I employed a variety of notetaking and writing strategies including, but not limited to, writing in Word, Google Docs, OneNote, and

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a paper notebook with old fashioned handwritten notes. I experimented with each mode and finally found my answer in the writing software, Scrivener. The software allowed me to input my pdf articles and pictures of my visual mapping (JPEGs) and import/export files from Word to Scrivener and vice versa. I was also able to organize my entire dissertation in one place using folders for each chapter, which then had subfolders of relevant content. I realized that Scrivener offered me an opportunity to see the forest and the trees, which in turn, shifted my writing style (for the better). As there is no one size fits all here, it is wise to experiment with different organizing and writing modes until you find the model that works for you. 6. Be flexible: Flexibility is key because no 2 days are alike. I experienced periods of crippling anxiety, stress, guilt, along with periods of heightened productivity and organization. In both these phases, I had other life events that either added to the anxiety or ameliorated them. Some circumstances demanded that I take time away from other activities, including dissertating, to focus on my mental health. Other days, my dissertation was my solace. Therefore, I had to consistently reevaluate my strengths, limits, and circumstances to move forward. 7. Don’t do it alone: Much of academic work, especially in the humanities, takes place in solitude, which is comforting as long as the solitude is both optional and desirable. Talking out ideas with committee members, friends, and non-specialist colleagues helped me voice my thoughts clearly in writing. While I did not have the previous luxury of swiveling around in my office chair and bouncing ideas with colleagues and friends across from me, I found it helpful to discuss my project in day-to-day conversations with friends and family, which then challenged me to articulate my ideas clearly. In addition to discussing ideas, I also worked on my writing and reading with friends during remote work sessions. Connecting virtually while engaging in my work helped alleviate the forced isolation brought about by the pandemic. WORDS OF AFFIRMATION All said and done; I will acknowledge the obvious, that is, graduate school is hard. Dissertating is hard. Doing both in a pandemic with heightened precarity in health and economic prospects makes an already difficult task feel almost impossible. Hence, it is vital to have affirmations from every avenue. Turn to your community for support when possible. They can be family, friends, partners, or trusted colleagues who will speak words of hope

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over your life. My mother and my friends have been critical in reminding me that I will succeed and have a thriving career. Especially in times of doubt, which realistically happened more often than I would like to admit, I turned to my community and they generously reminded me of the hope they have for me. Another critical source of affirmation has been my faith. Since I set up my worktable against a wall, I printed out and pasted my favorite Bible verses, such as Isaiah 45:2–3 “I will go before you and will level the mountains; I will break down gates of bronze and cut through bars of iron. I will give you hidden treasures, riches stored in secret places, so that you may know that I am the Lord, the God of Israel, who summons you by name” (New International Version, 1973/2011) for quick encouragements. Having the verses at eye level helped me because a casual glance up from my computer in the middle of work would affirm me. I also printed out reminders of previous accolades, such as emails of past awards and honors, to motivate me that my work is valued, and I have much to offer. Whatever the affirmation, it helps have visual reminders in places where you spend the most time. Lastly, the pandemic has also allowed me a renewed engagement with my work, a chance to adapt to many uncertainties, and taught me the importance of community and collective support. While I experienced a new edge to what was previously a scholarly concept for my research, that is, precarity, I also have a renewed appreciation for resilience, especially that of my community, who relentlessly support me despite juggling their worries. Most importantly, though, I will end on the note that it is perfectly alright to not feel resilient, i.e, it’s okay to not feel okay. NOTE 1. It is worth noting that more than 59 colleges and universities, both public and private, signed a court brief supporting the collective lawsuit Harvard and MIT filed (Dickler, 2020).

REFERENCES Butler, J. (2009). Frames of war: When is life grievable? Penguin Random House. Dickler, J. (2020, July 14). Trump administration reverses course on foreign student ban. CNBC. https://www.cnbc.com/2020/07/14/fight-heats-up-over-foreign-student-ban-as-more-than-200-schools-join-in.html Jordan, M., & Hartocollis, A. (2020, July 14). U.S. rescinds plan to strip visas from international students in online classes. The New York Times.

10    A. MANDAL New International Version. (2011). New International Version Online. https://www .biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Isaiah+45%3A2-3&version=NIV (Original publication 1973)

CHAPTER 2

YOU CAN FINISH THIS DISSERTATION ON YOUR OWN, BUT YOU DON’T HAVE TO Leveraging Your Community Capital Andréa Rodriguez Drexel University

DISSERTATION STUDY The purpose of my dissertation study is to explore the lived experiences of Latinas who have earned an advanced degree and to understand the factors that promote successful degree attainment. The student success narrative solely focuses on baccalaureate degrees. However, the narrative is shifting; higher education recognizes the need to support learners to continue their educational journey past the undergraduate degree, especially for underrepresented and minoritized populations. My research explores the lived experiences of Latinas with an advanced degree. Through the use of critical race theory (CRT), Latino critical theory (LatCrit), and entrevistas

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[interviews], the research will focus on how social identity, capital, and institutional barriers intersect and play critical roles in the successful attainment of an advanced degree. My dissertation, coupled with my current role supporting universities scale projects and initiatives, strengthens my passion for this research and work. I support success efforts for various student populations (i.e., Black/African American, Latino/a/x, LGBTQ+, adult learners, single parents, undocumented) and provide a platform to aid Latinas in the attainment of advanced degrees. CHALLENGES DURING COVID-19 As a first-generation high school and college Latina graduate from the ghettos of Brooklyn, New York, I began my journey knowing very little about the college process. My knowledge of selecting a college, completing a financial aid application, and exploring careers, were all foreign concepts. I had no resources to rely on or look to while in this process. With the guidance of a high school counselor, I was accepted to a pathway program at a helping public research universities across the country innovate, sustain, and scale students 4-year institution. Through academic and personal advisement, internship experience, and self-exploration, I earned my baccalaureate degree in English literature, which later aided in my earning two advanced degrees in secondary Education and higher education. Having worked in student affairs at two- and four-year universities, it has taught me the to understand the needs of our underserved populations, specifically Latina students. I understand the need to use education as a platform to move upward. Although I had mentors and supporters through my educational journeys, there were inherent biases that existed that could have derailed me from earning my degrees. My student experience inspired me to enter the higher education field and become an advocate for my community. However, I failed at tapping or leveraging my support network in response to the barriers and challenges due to COVID-19. Currently, I work as a director for a think tank in Washington, DC. We conduct program evaluations with a focus on assessing the university’s efforts and its impact in creating a student experience that results in dramatic and equitable increases in outcomes and educational value. In order to successfully demonstrate the need to shed light on the lived experiences of Latinas who have earned an advanced degree, I note that they are the “fastest growing ethnic group in terms of both population and proportion” (Hagedorn et al., 2007, p. 74). Independent of being one of the largest and quickest growing ethnic groups in this country, they are also the largest group lagging in advanced degree attainment (Lundquist, 2002).

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Students of color, especially first-generation students, typically do not ask for support; much less will do so during these unprecedented challenges. This is primarily due to first-generation students not wanting to add additional burden to their families, especially those who come from the low-socioeconomic status (Hertel, 2002). Additionally, first-generation students tend to work while attending school to support themselves and their family members and have extended familial responsibilities while also attending college (Barry et al., 2009). Further, these students opt not to share their college experiences while in college, given that they may not have anything in common with family members (Barry et al., 2009). Despite these challenges, firstgeneration students who had great relationships with their family members experienced a successful college journey (Mattanah et al., 2004). I am a middle child and the only daughter in my family. Growing up, my family tapped me for support (i.e., gatherings, mediation between family members, translation). I went as far as to memorize the phone number for the nearby taxi service company my father would need to call when he had to be at work at 4:00 a.m. This was me—the fixer of all family situations; yet, when COVID-19 struck, I hit a low, a loss of will power, and an increase in depression, anxiety, and uncertainty in the economy for close friends and students. At the same time, I fought against COVID-19, and my mother was hospitalized for COVID-19, I still opted not to reach out to my community. I forgot how to utilize assets and capital that aid in my professional and educational career for my years. This situation forced me to take additional time to complete my chapters necessary to defend my proposal and I considered dropping out of the doctoral program. I am a first-generation high school and college graduate with two master’s degrees, extensive research, scholarly presentation experience, numerous accolades, and awards and . . . I shut down. I no longer was the fixer. For the first time in my life, in the face of COVID-19, I had no idea how to persevere. OPPORTUNITIES FROM COVID-19 When COVID-19 hit the nation, many people lost jobs, family members, homes—many lost so much. There wasn’t hope left as I was in the trenches of trying to write my dissertation while surviving COVID-19 and watching and hearing from afar how my mom was doing while in the hospital due to COVID-19—I had little to no hope for finishing my dissertation. But I realized very quickly this dissertation was the opportunity to elevate the stories of Latinas, but I needed first to reset and realign. COVID-19 provided me with the opportunity to reflect and use this dissertation study as a platform to engage in intentional conversations about what it means to support underrepresented students in this current climate. More specifically,

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it addresses the significance behind advancing or progressing on Latino student success efforts. My literature review centers on Yosso’s (2005) community cultural wealth theory that focuses on leveraging the assets and capital that students of color bring into their educational journey to navigate barriers and challenges. I am writing about the need to shed light on the capitals and assets that underrepresented students of color possess and use as leverage in navigating barriers and challenges. Still, I was not tapping my capitals and assets. As a Latina, I, with two advanced degrees and in the process of earning a terminal degree, am informing others on how other Latinas leverage their capitals and assets for advanced degrees. Still, I was not tapping the support system I had in my network—the irony. Latinas’ success stories and lived experiences are a critical element to understand better how best to support this group, so why was I having difficulty reaching out for help? I survived COVID-19, and my mother also survived. This experience led me to finally extend my hand and ask for support. I finally realized the need to reach out to my social and familial capital, my community cultural wealth, my close network, my people, to remind me it was okay to ask for help. This realization reminded me why I wanted to pursue my doctorate and why earning this degree was never meant to be a one-person journey; it is much more of a community accomplishment. TIPS/STRATEGIES There are 3 strategies that aided me during my dissertating process. The first strategy: I asked for support. That was it. There is no toolkit or theory or one-size-fits-all strategy for writing and defending a dissertation during COVID-19 and the social uprisings happening around the country. When you ask for support, you admit you need guidance and help, which is already challenging for anyone to do during this time because they don’t want to cause any undue burden to family or friends. Yet, this is why we have family and friends, the social and familial capital we, as students of color and first-generation scholars, forget. When I asked for support, I added unnecessary stress to myself by not extending myself grace. We forget to be kind to ourselves during these difficult times because nothing is certain. Writing and defending a dissertation is a journey without a pandemic. The pressure to succeed is born out of a need to make something good happen for ourselves and family members, especially those who have survived or experienced loss due to COVID-19. It’s okay to reach out and ask for support. It does not signify you as incapable or unable to do the work, but a sign of strength and courage. Asking for support does not negate your academic

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ability, it validates that the dissertation journey is not a one-person mission but a community achievement. The second strategy: When I asked for support, it meant listening to the words of my mentors and close family and friends and using those words for action. I wrote those words down on large Post-its and taped them above my bed. It isn’t only about asking for support and listening, but also about making sure you truly believe and internalize the words. Every night and every morning, I would read it aloud as part of my routine affirmation and then go to action. Finally, the third strategy: Outline the specific steps to help keep you focused and on the road to completing the dissertation. After reading the words of support and encouragement I received from my mentors, close friends, and family members, I outlined my next steps with specific due dates. They were reasonable action items to make sure I wouldn’t get overwhelmed and ensure I would complete those items one day at a time, while giving myself breaks. Do not try to do so much—remember, slow and steady will get you to the finish line—to completing your dissertation and becoming a doctor. MY AFFIRMATION “Tanto que te has quemado las pestañas, tienes que terminar. Solo termina!” In Spanish, this translates to “You have burned so much of your lashes, you have to finish. Just finish!” Growing up, my brothers and I shared a room. During high school, I would either stay up late or wake up before dawn to study for exams, finish homework, or prep for the SAT. I remember my parents would always remind me of my “burning the lashes” (aka working or studying too hard) and that one day it would all be for something significant. This working dissertation is something significant. Earning the doctorate is not for me, but a token of appreciation for my parents leaving their homes, families, friends, country, language, and food so that I could have the opportunities not afforded to them in their home countries. Every morning, I tell myself to finish, just finish because I have burned my lashes for too long to stop now. Fellow scholars of color, you have come this far and have “quemado sus pestañas,” so finish. Just finish! REFERENCES Barry, L. M., Hudley, C., Kelly, M., & Cho, S. J. (2009). Differences in self-reported disclosure of college experiences by first-generation college student status. Adolescence, 44(173), 55–68.

16    A. RODRIGUEZ Hagedorn, L., Chi, W., Cepeda, R., Mclain, M. (2007). An Investigation of Critical Mass: The Role of Latino Representation in the Success of Urban Community College Students. Research in Higher Education, 48(1), 73–91. Hertel, J. B. (2002). College student generational status: Similarities, differences, and factors in college adjustment. Psychological Record, 52, 3–18. Lundquist, S. (2002). Achieving equity and excellence in 21st century American higher education: The California Master Plan and Beyond (UMI No. 3065499) [Doctoral dissertation, The Claremont Graduate University]. ProQuest Dissertations and Theses Database. Mattanah, J. F., Hancock, G. R., & Brand, B. L. (2004). Parental attachment, separation-individuation, and college student adjustment: A structural equation analysis of mediational effects. Journal of Counseling Psychology, 51(2), 213– 225. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-0167.51.2.213 Yosso, T. (2005). Whose culture has capital? A critical race theory discussion of community cultural wealth. Race Ethnicity and Education, 8, 69–91. https://doi.org/ 10.1080/1361332052000341006

CHAPTER 3

DISSERTATING DURING A PANDEMIC Scholars of Colors Share Stories for Success Eric Jackson Morgan State University

BACKGROUND As a Black man who identifies as gay, I thought it was important to focus my research on the lived experiences of this student population. As such, my research study looks at the impact of masculinity and heteronormativity on Black male students who identify as gay, bisexual, or queer as they navigate gendered spaces. When I started the higher education administration program at Morgan State University in the Fall of 2014, I planned on completing the program by May 2018. I figured I would complete the coursework in 3 years, which I did, and then I would finish the research the following year. To say my plans were ambitious would be an understatement. While I am sure some people are able to obtain their degree within that timeframe, for one reason or another, I was not. Two and a half years later I find myself

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much closer to finishing the program and obtaining my doctorate—and through a global pandemic no less. Dissertating during the COVID-19 pandemic has presented itself with a few challenges such as having to be away from those who have supported me throughout my journey to PhD completion. Having to be socially distanced from friends and family took its toll. For example, due to the virus and subsequent travel ban that was issued for those who lived in New York State, no longer could I expect the Easter Sunday dinner I’d become accustomed to when my mother and sisters came down to visit. Ultimately, the isolation resulted in stress and anxiety and the inability to focus on my research. However, with challenges come opportunities. In a matter of months I was able to successfully defend my dissertation proposal and conduct almost 30 interviews. When I first began working on this chapter more than 7,486,900 people in the United States had been infected with the coronavirus and at least 210,000 had died (“Coronavirus in the U.S.,” 2020). Nearly 3 months later, 23, 848,310 people were infected and 397,994 people had died (United States, 2021). As of January 2021, nearly 10 million of the 22 million workers who lost their job at the start of the height of the pandemic remain unemployed in the United States (Bredemeier, 2021). In the grand scheme of things, I have my health and I have been fortunate enough to be able to work from home. I have been able to work on my dissertation without the stress of worrying about whether or not I was going to be able to eat or make my mortgage payment. I experienced unemployment when I first began working on my dissertation and the experience derailed me completely. I spent that entire semester applying for jobs and picking up work where I could. Needless to say, I did not accomplish much as relates to my dissertation during that period of time. I was too concerned with making sure my basic needs were being met that I did not have the motivation to work on my research. I could only imagine what the experience has been like for those who have experienced and/or continue to experience unemployment during the pandemic. THE CHALLENGES OF DISSERTATING DURING COVID-19 As I am sure it is the case for many people, one of the early challenges of COVID-19 was having to adjust to what was constantly referred to as our “new normal.” On March 13, 2020 I was told by my employer that we would be working from home until further notice. I was excited about the idea of not having to physically be in the office. I also figured I would have more time to devote to working on my dissertation and while I have been able to accomplish a lot, I have also wasted a lot of time. The first challenge was figuring out how to be productive and get work done for work. Early on, it

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seemed like I spent more time in virtual meetings trying to figure out how the work was going to get done than I did actually doing the work. After hours of sitting in front of a computer screen doing work, or at least trying to, I had no desire most days to get back to work on my dissertation. Fortunately, this was a temporary feeling which lasted about a month and it did not derail my process much. I attribute the lack of desire to some form of maladjustment on my behalf as well as my employers as it related to working remotely. After things began to normalize with my new work environment it became less of a problem. Not even a week after finding out that I would be working from home, my partner was then told that he would be working from home as well. Initially he was only going to be out of the office for 2 weeks but as things quickly shifted and the world began to close its doors due to the increasing COVID-19 infections, we found ourselves both working from home indefinitely. This became a challenge because where we once spent 10 or more hours away from each other, we now spent that time together and inevitably we got on each other’s nerves and continue to do so from time to time, even now. Being irritable, in my opinion anyway, does not lend itself to dissertation writing. But then there were also the times where we found ourselves laid up on the couch binge-watching one or more television series to pass the time, which created a challenge around prioritizing or making the best use of my time. In a perfect world I would have used all that downtime to focus on doing some writing for my dissertation because, ironically enough, when the world was open and I was physically having to go into the office, more time was what I wanted. However, being in a situation where it seemed time was all that I had, there were those days where I neglected to work on my dissertation because again, I figured I would have the time to get to it later. According to multiple news reports and press conferences held by the governor, life wouldn’t be going back to normal anytime soon which for me at least meant that I’d be stuck in the house and subsequently spending some of those moments focused on my dissertation. When I think about that experience, I’m reminded of a quote by William Penn which states: “Time is what we want most but what we use worst” (Rybacka, 2016, 1st quote). Undeniably, I could have used more of the time that was given to me as a result of COVID-19 a little better. As more and more of the restrictions began to take place and everyone went on “lockdown,” the need to connect with others seemed to grow, and almost out of nowhere I found myself doing virtual happy hours and spending time on apps such as Zoom and House Party almost daily. I spent hours at a time connecting with family and friends, some of whom I had not spoken to in quite some time. It seemed most people, like me, were “bored in the house and in the house bored.” Looking back I’m not sure that I would say I wasted a lot of time trying to stay connected because I believe it was what I needed to

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get through early on in the pandemic and what I now recognize as the challenge, was the feeling(s) of loneliness. Generally speaking, I would describe myself as an extrovert because I get a lot of my energy from being around other people and although I had my partner with me, I was missing the other components of my support system. Not having members of my support system around increased the stress and anxiety I was feeling which in turn made me neglect my dissertation writing. Somedays I didn’t have the energy to do much or I became easily distracted with online shopping and video games. The biggest challenge I faced during the pandemic, ironically, had less to do with the actual virus and more to do with the current state of affairs in our country. The killings of unarmed Black men and women at the hands of law enforcement and those pretending to be, such as the White men who killed Ahmaud Arbery, certainly affected me the most during these last few months. It became a pandemic within a pandemic and being stuck in the house inundated with media coverage and the punditry on social media became almost too much to bear at times. The deaths of Breonna Taylor, George Floyd, Rayshard Brooks, Daniel Prude, Ahmaud Arbery, and the other countless lives lost forced me out of the house and into the streets. I spent a lot of time debating online with people I have known most of my life, or at least thought I knew, about why we say “Black lives matter.” It can be a frustrating and overwhelming feeling to go back and forth with someone who is hell bent on misunderstanding you. The adversity we have faced as Black people in America this year has proven to be challenging but it was also one of the motivating factors I needed to push through in hopes of completing and defending my dissertation by May of 2021. Being a part of the movement this year instilled a sense of pride in me. As I thought about all those who came before me and those who continue to do the work of lifting Black voices, I feel a duty to do the same. Even if it’s just to motivate a niece or nephew coming up behind me, I want people to know that Black lives do matter and that our contributions have value. CHALLENGES AS OPPORTUNITIES “While the challenges are great, so are the opportunities” (Ford, n.d.). Despite the challenges, COVID-19 also presented several opportunities for my research. Within the last 6 months, I was able to get IRB approval, I successfully defended my proposal for my dissertation, and I completed 27 interviews. I am in the process of transcribing the interviews and I am hoping to facilitate a focus group and begin writing the last two chapters of my dissertation within a few months time. I cannot think of another time in which I was able to be as productive as this when working on my dissertation, at least not within a 6 month window. I was surprised at how fast the IRB approval

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process went, having heard horror stories of the process and the amount of time that it could take. I believe the turnaround time for me was just about 2 weeks. Shortly after, I defended my dissertation proposal and was granted permission to conduct my study. I credit the pandemic for this, in part, because many people were working from home at this point and this may have allowed for members of the IRB Board to review my documents sooner. I know for sure that being able to work from home allowed me to complete the 27 interviews as efficiently as I did. I conducted all of my interviews virtually using either FaceTime or Zoom and being home allowed me the flexibility I needed in order to work around individual schedules. There were times in which I had 3 or more interviews scheduled for one day. Being home a lot also meant that I had time to reflect on my research study. There was a group of us, three couples, that got together once a week and we discussed everything from relationships, to politics, and Black male sexuality. These discussions not only kept my mind focused on my research topic but inspired me enough to want to complete my study and produce the results for further discussion within our group and larger audiences. I believe my research study would add to a growing body of literature regarding Black male gender identity and performance but also, given the political climate, be a springboard for conversations regarding the Black Lives Matter movement and its intersection with LGBT communities of color. I credit these moments to the pandemic because had it not been for the recommendation that people gather in groups of 10 or less, I may have never found myself in that space having those discussions with that particular group of friends. Had it not been for those discussions, I may not have reflected on my work as much. I had several trips canceled between the months of March and July and had I not been forced to slow down because of the virus, I cannot confidently say that I would have completed as much as I have. WHAT KEPT ME? Throughout my dissertation journey I can honestly say that I have never wanted to quit. I have found myself off-track more than I care to admit but I have always wanted to finish. I credit this to a number of people and their encouraging words, the gifts that I have been given, or simply for them holding me accountable. For example, a few years back I had the pleasure of standing in one of my mentees and closest friend’s wedding. Our groomsmen gift consisted of a pocket-knife with a special engraving on it. On my knife he had the letters “DR ELJ” engraved on it. The knife is a constant reminder that it is already done, if I will it to be. It is a reminder of how those around me, perceive me; and to be real about it, I don’t want to have to look at a knife that reminds me of what could have been later in life.

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Another gift I received was a throw blanket with the words “You Got This” etched into it. It was given to me by my mother when she, my sisters, niece, and nephews came down for their annual Easter visit. The blanket is important to me because it was given to me during a time when I was facing so much adversity in life. Earlier that year I lost my job when the hours on my contract had expired. During that time my main concern was finding a job and as a result I spent less time focusing on my dissertation. I keep the blanket on my couch and it is a constant reminder that my family continues to believe in and supports me through this journey. At that time I also found out that my family was planning to throw a graduation party in honor of the achievement and of course I don’t want to miss out on that. While I have never really been the type to want to publicly celebrate graduations and the like, this one I feel is important to acknowledge. This one is for the family! My membership in Alpha Phi Alpha, Fraternity Incorporated has also been a continuous motivator. Many of my own chapter brothers hold PhDs and they continue to hold me accountable by checking in with me and giving me advice. Some already refer to me as Dr. and I have even been listed on the chapter’s membership roll as Dr. Eric Jackson and therefore it is important for me that I continue to push forward because Alpha men do not take backward steps. There is also a poem that is familiar to my Fraternity and it serves as a reminder that in spite of all of the challenges I have faced and will continue to face, it is important to continue on. The poem is called “Don’t Quit” and it was written by Edgar A. Guest. He notes, When things go wrong as they sometimes will, When the road you’re trudging seems all up hill, When the funds are low and the debts are high And you want to smile, but you have to sigh, When care is pressing you down a bit, Rest if you must, but don’t you quit. Life is strange with its twists and turns As every one of us sometimes learns And many a failure comes about When he might have won had he stuck it out; Don’t give up though the pace seems slow— You may succeed with another blow. Success is failure turned inside out— The silver tint of the clouds of doubt, And you never can tell just how close you are, It may be near when it seems so far; So stick to the fight when you’re hardest hit— It’s when things seem worst that you must not quit (Guest, 1921)

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ONWARD AND UPWARD—PUSHING THROUGH If I could provide some tips or strategies for those who are writing and defending their dissertations virtually, first and foremost I would say that you are not alone. While the dissertation process can seem quite lonely, especially during a pandemic, I’ve learned that you can connect via social media with other students who similarly are going through the process. I belong to several groups and not only are they a great sounding board but an invaluable resource as well. I’ve engaged with them whenever I had questions, when I wanted to share a picture that I took after I defended my proposal and even to solicit participants for my research study. You are sure to find someone who can relate to what you are experiencing and you may even find someone with a similar research interest or topic. I believe involvement in these groups is important because there is a sense of community. Not only do these individuals want you to succeed, many of them have completed their journey and are able to bestow the knowledge they gained about the process onto you. Secondly, I would say that it is important to remember that aside from the timeframe your institution allows for you to complete the program, you are on your own time. It is important to remember that self-care is the best care. According to Goings and Tomlin (2020) life does not stop because you decided to be a doctoral student. There will undoubtedly be moments where you will want to compare yourself to another classmate or maybe even a member of the aforementioned social media groups who recently graduated or seems further along than you, and I’m telling you to stop! Making those types of comparisons, in my opinion, only breeds doubt. The simple fact of the matter is, unless you are somehow privy to the information, you don’t know what it took for the other person to get there. In the same vein, do not allow yourself to be overburdened by the infamous question, “When will you be done?” I’m here to tell you that those words can crush your confidence but only if you carry its weight on you. I’ve learned the best way to answer the question is to not answer the question or simply say “soon.” In my experience, most people who ask are those who have no idea what the process entails and having to constantly explain yourself gets exhausting. Lastly, I would suggest you remember your “why” and follow up with action. Why did you choose to pursue the degree? Was it your research interest? Or some other reason? I find that if you can keep the “why” in the forefront of your mind, it can be a great motivator. I remember speaking to the assistant vice president of student affairs at one of the institutions where I worked and telling him that I wanted to pursue my PhD. His response to me was, “It takes more than a notion.” I walked away from that conversation feeling almost disrespected, but as I look back I have a better appreciation for the words. A notion is just a thought and so you must do more than think you can, you must do it.

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REFERENCES Bredemeier, K. (2021, January 14). US unemployment benefit claims jump sharply. VOA News. https://www.voanews.com/usa/us-unemployment-benefit-claims -jump-sharply Coronavirus in the U.S.: Latest Map and Case Count. (2020). The New York Times. Retrieved October 16, 2020 from https://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2020/ us/coronavirus-us-cases.html Ford, B. (n.d.). While the challenges are great, so are the opportunities. QuoteTab. https:// www.quotetab.com/quote/by-bill-ford/while-the-challenges-are-great-so -are-the-opportunities Goings, B. R., & Tomlin, D. A. (2020, September 14). Dissertating during COVID: Three tips for doctoral students and faculty. interfolio. https://www.interfolio .com/resources/blog/tips-for-doctoral-students-during-covid/ Guest, E. (1921). Don’t quit. https://www.stresslesscountry.com/dontquit/ Rybacka, O. (2016, June 27). 20 most inspiring quotes about time. TimeCamp. https:// www.timecamp.com/blog/2016/06/quotes-about-time/ United States. (2021, January 14). Worldometer. Retrieved January 14, 2021, from https://www.worldometers.info/coronavirus/country/us/

CHAPTER 4

WORKING TOGETHER APART The Role of Black Female Cultural Safe Spaces in the Midst of a Pandemic Iris Minor Florida Atlantic University

THE ROLE OF BLACK FEMALE CULTURAL SAFE SPACES IN THE MIDST OF A PANDEMIC Given the lack of research on Black, female doctoral students enrolled at predominantly White institutions (PWIs) and the increasing enrollment of Black women in postsecondary institutions, it is critical to understand how to support the success of Black women in these White academic spaces (Evans-Winters & Esposito, 2010). A solution that Black women have used to overcome the negative climate of PWIs and navigate institutional barriers found in these White academic spaces is to participate in Black female cultural safe spaces (Collins, 2000). Black female cultural safe spaces provide mentorship, advising, and contribute to Black women’s academic development. These cultural safe spaces also provide Black women with a sense of belonging in spaces that have remained consistent in positioning Black women as outsiders. Furthermore, Black female cultural safe spaces

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provide validation to the lived realities of Black women as they matriculate through their doctoral journeys. In this chapter, I discuss the unanticipated effects the coronavirus disease 2019 (COVID-19) had on my doctoral journey and provide advice for future doctoral students who may encounter similar experiences. Compelled by existing research exploring the lived realities of Black women at PWIs (Bartman, 2015; Evans-Winters, 2019; Robinson, 2013; Shavers & Moore, 2019), it is critical that not only I share my experience, but offer a counter-narrative for Black women who persist and remain academically resilient. My intention is to support Black women like myself in overcoming the barriers and microaggressions of White academic spaces in hopes that by sharing my experience it can offer hope and inspiration to others. DISSERTATION SYNOPSIS My dissertation emerges from the growing need for an epistemological lens that both investigates and liberates Black women from the marginalizing practices of PWI settings. More specifically, my study seeks to highlight the voices of Black women and their experiences navigating doctoral programs in PWIs through a Black feminist lens. Evans-Winters (2019) asserts, “Black feminism offers researchers, especially women of color, a culturally congruent and politically legitimate lens and set of methods for analyzing Black girls’ and women’s . . . cultures and histories” (p. 18). By moving beyond conventional epistemologies and their methodologies, Black feminists explore the needs of Black women from a Black woman’s standpoint. My study seeks to understand how Black female doctoral students are defining Black female cultural safe spaces, how these safe spaces support their academic success, how they support Black women in their personal lives and how these spaces support their socioemotional well-being. FURTHER EXASPERATED FEELINGS OF ISOLATION One of the initial interventions for controlling the COVID-19 outbreaks resulted in practicing social distancing to prevent community transmission and to limit the amount of in-person contact between individuals. This measure also encouraged substituting office work for virtual, remote work in order to continue productivity. While ideologically this measure seemed feasible for controlling outbreaks, it did not account for the exasperated feelings of isolation, an unanticipated consequence of the pandemic. Despite the many unknowns of mass quarantine, I was the least prepared for the unfavorable conditions writing in self-isolation would trigger.

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Maintaining productivity during a global pandemic was not something we discussed during doctoral seminars or previously discussed during my academic advising sessions. In many cases, Black women report experiencing feelings of isolation and outsiderness during their academic journey (Baxley, 2012; Collins, 1986; Shavers & Moore, 2014). These experiences are brought on by a variety of reasons, many of which stemming from institutional practices that create barriers and bare an unwelcoming environment for Black women. Previous to the pandemic, scholars discussed the importance addressing and restructuring academic programs to be more inclusive to the needs of Black women (Chancellor, 2019; Grant & Simmons, 2008; Shavers & Moore, 2019; Robinson, 2013), a change not yet accomplished as research continues to emerge centered on this topic. Surviving the gauntlet of dissertation work during a pandemic in a system consistent in alienating Black women seemed to be the next hurdle in my journey. An even more unanticipated outcome of isolation was the intensified workload brought on as many academic groups began reforming their practices to meet the expectations of a now virtual community. More emails, more webinars, and more online lectures made their way to my inbox at unprecedented rates. The academic community seemed relentless in maintaining intellectual engagement with little consideration as to how to support emerging scholars’ prosperity during this time. While working to adopt an autonomous work style, I quickly learned that the intensified workload was part of what is intended in the term, “publish or perish.” For a moment in time, my answer to solving the manifestation of what had become my new reality was to stop all academic work, which eventually turned into mentally checking out from academia entirely for several consecutive days at a time. RECONNECTING WITH MY SISTER CIRCLE Black women in PWIs often experience a distant, yet collective struggle bridging from the acts of marginalization and isolation within PWIs (Evans-Winters & Esposito, 2010). Our experiences are often discredited and furthered by stereotypical tropes. Stereotypical tropes are the negative representations of Black women portrayed in society (Collins, 2000). These vices account for anti-Black, anti-feminine rhetoric often used to justify systemic inequities against Black women. While Collins (2000) problematizes these tropes in her discussion on controlling images, these stereotypes are the invisible barriers informing institutional policies and practices. As a Black female graduate student, I overcame the effects of controlling images through the support of my Sister Circle.

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Thankfully, my Sister Circle was founded by a Black woman who understood the importance of Black female cultural safe spaces and establishing cultural safe spaces for future Black women. She realized during her doctoral journey that the mere presence of a Black woman could change the outcome for how Black women advance as outsiders on the margins of White academia. PWIs encompass institutionalized Whiteness, however, one of the most powerful interventions for Black women can be finding support in other women of color and “having the courage to seek space (mentoring, collaboration, acknowledgment, and acceptance)” (Baxley, 2012, p. 60). Black women’s plight towards educational equity within PWIs is often met with opposition and roadblocks that influence how we navigate the academy. Yet, with the support of a cultural safe space, like the Sister Circle, we seem to be able to form our own resistance as a community, a common theme in research acknowledging the benefits of Black, female support systems (Baxley, 2012; Patton & Harper, 2003; Shavers & Moore, 2019). The COVID-19 pandemic allowed me the opportunity to reconnect with other Sister Circle members who have silently faced similar challenges. As an established safe space, it was easy for me to be transparent about some of the dilemmas I was having that I felt made me question my sense of belonging in the academy. I began to experience something I had fought off seemingly my entire academic career, imposter syndrome. Imposter syndrome is a pathologized response to self-doubt despite past accomplishments (Edwards, 2019). It was humanizing to learn that I was not the only person struggling to adapt during such unprecedented circumstances. Power in Writing Circles In realizing that as a Sister Circle that our biggest collective challenge was remaining productive during the pandemic, our first action was to rethink and restart our writing circles. Guided by one member’s suggestion to begin virtual writing sessions, our writing circles expanded amongst current students in their doctoral journeys to faculty members. The writing circles facilitated an opportunity to hold one another accountable for our progress. During this time, we were able to assist others through writing blocks, discuss ongoing research and commit to reaching personal writing goals. The writing circles served as a new space for validation towards conducting my research. As a Black female writing about other Black female experiences it was invaluable to have a safe space to discuss my work, without having to provide additional context to justify the need for my research. From my experiences as an emerging Black, feminist scholar, I learned that my work as a student was often more welcomed than my presence (Collins, 1996). Baxley (2012) captures this contention noting, “White ideologies in

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higher education devalue Black on Black research” (p. 49). Often, traditional research privileges research deemed culture and value free. The Sister Circle represented a socially conscious safe space to have open dialogue about topics challenging conventional paradigms. Establishing Accountability Partners Accountability partners helped me survive White academia. Working through the mindset of writing alone became my greatest obstacle, remedied by not only joining writing circles, but also establishing accountability partners who were also invested in my success. The structure of an accountability partner became my next biggest motivation to remain consistent in accomplishing writing goals. I found these accountability partners in the safe space of my Sister Circle. The regular check-ins reminded me to pace myself and avoid over-performing. I was also reminded that my goal was to finish, but not lose myself in the process. My accountability partners wanted to ensure not only that I remained consistent in working towards writing goals, but also that I was taking time to practice self-care. While I had participated in a multitude of academic organizations, not one emphasized the importance of developing self-care and self-preservation strategies as an emerging scholar. Never underestimate the importance of accountability partners even if that is relying on student-faculty advisor relationships. My dissertation committee understood the importance of mentorship in my journey. Through culturally responsive mentoring, I was empowered to decolonize how I approached the dissertation process. While there are limited numbers of Black women available in higher education as tenure-track and tenured faculty members, the few that were present always found time to reach back to help others. Prior to the pandemic, I made the uncomfortable decision to change committee members. At the time I never realized how desperately I needed a Black female support system to help me. In hindsight that change became the most important decision I made throughout my dissertation process with the help of my Sister Circle holding me accountable and pushing me along the way. Divide and Conquer As a previous graduate research assistant, it was easy for me to undermine feelings of becoming overwhelmed, notably because most of my day-to-day work prior to my transition to working at home required independent discipline skills. I was accustomed to completing tasks alone with little to no

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supervision. Yet, something about writing during a pandemic was different; mere self-discipline did not seem to be the answer to my problems. In part, my answer was to complete tasks as they come, but it became apparent that regardless of how fast I was able to complete tasks, the workload presented itself faster. After taking a break mentally from academic work, I re-entered with a divide and conquer mindset. I divided tasks into two primary categories: simple tasks and complex tasks. Simple tasks were projects that could typically be completed in a short amount of time. This usually included responding to emails, completing conference registrations and other “brain off” work. I also found that this time was best for planning lectures, curriculum development, and outlining the requirements for potential calls and proposals. Usually, by doing the latter I was inspired to be academically creative and to use that flow of energy towards being reinspired to write. Complex tasks were things that usually required a lot more attention. While the bulk of this workload included reading and writing, I found myself burdened with feelings of perfectionism. I quickly became my toughest critic making any tasks hard to complete. Eventually, I learned to refine those thoughts, acknowledging that they slowed the process. Instead I petitioned to freehand write with intentions to proofread my work several times. This allowed me to work through complex tasks without quitting or being weighed down. I soon realized that my learning style during the pandemic had changed. I made it to the doctoral level of my academic career by simply being a good student and now learned that my biggest barricade was becoming an earnest steward of my time. CLOSING AFFIRMATION “I am my sister’s keeper”

While my dissertation grows from my commitment to Sister Circle work, I am propelled forward by the reminder that, “I am my sister’s keeper.” This sacred reminder rings heavy for me when I have days that I am hesitant to commit to productivity. It represents the many that have come before me who struggled to finish. It reminds me of those who were not granted the opportunity to be where I am today. It is my affirmation when I think about all the Black women today who continue to root for me to finish. From my advisor, to my committee members, to all the members of the Sister Circle, “I am my sister’s keeper” and I will finish!

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REFERENCES Bartman, C. C. (2015). African American women in higher education: Issues and support strategies. College Student Affairs Leadership, 2(2), Article5 https:// scholarworks.gvsu.edu/csal/vol2/iss2/5 Baxley, T. P. (2012). Navigating as an African American female scholar: Catalysts and barriers in predominantly white academia. The International Journal of Critical Pedagogy, 4(1), 47–64. Chancellor, R. L. (2019). Racial battle fatigue: The unspoken burden of Black women faculty in LIS. Journal of Education for Library and Information Science, 60(3), 182–189. Collins, P. H. (1986). Learning from the outsider within: The sociological significance of Black feminist thought. Social problems, 33(6), s14–s32. Collins, P. H. (1996). What’s in a name? Womanism, Black feminism, and beyond. The Black Scholar, 26(1), 9–17. Collins, P. H. (2000). Black feminist thought: Knowledge, consciousness, and the politics of empowerment. Routledge. Edwards, C. W. (2019). Overcoming imposter syndrome and stereotype threat: Reconceptualizing the definition of a scholar. Taboo: The Journal of Culture and Education, 18(1), 3. Evans-Winters, V. E. (2019). Black feminism in qualitative inquiry: A mosaic for writing our daughter’s body. Routledge. Evans-Winters, V. E., & Esposito, J. (2010). Other people’s daughters: Critical race feminism and Black girls’ education. Educational Foundations, 24, 11–24. Grant, C. M., & Simmons, J. C. (2008). Narratives on experiences of Africa-American women in the academy: Conceptualizing effective mentoring relationships of doctoral student and faculty. International Journal of Qualitative Studies in Education, 21(5), 501–517. Patton, L. D., & Harper, S. R. (2003). Mentoring relationships among African American women in graduate and professional schools. New Directions for Student Services, 104, 67–78. Robinson, S. J. (2013). Spoke tokenism: Black women talking back about graduate school experiences. Race Ethnicity and Education, 16(2), 155–181. Shavers, M. C., & Moore III, J. L. (2014). The double-edged sword: Coping and resiliency strategies of African American women enrolled in doctoral programs at predominately white institutions. Frontiers: A Journal of Women Studies, 35(3), 15–38. Shavers, M. C., & Moore, J. L. (2019). The perpetual outsider: Voices of Black women pursuing doctoral degrees at predominantly White institutions. Journal of Multicultural Counseling and Development, 47(4), 210–226.

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CHAPTER 5

SOBREVIVENCIA Y AGUANTE [SURVIVING-THRIVING AND WITHSTANDING] Building Resilience in Graduate School During the COVID-19 Era Alpha Martínez-Suárez University of Texas at San Antonio

EMPEZANDO POR EL PRINCIPIO [STARTING FROM THE BEGINNING]: A BRIEF SYNOPSIS OF MY DISSERTATION’S STUDY Teachers as Advocates for Social Justice I am the eldest of four daughters born and raised in rural northeast Mexico. I grew up in small communities populated in their majority by women and children. The Mexican males were not present, almost non-existent, from the ages of 13–14 to about 60 years old they were generally found working al otro lado [to the other side] on the estaites here in the United States. They were

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sending money so their families could have food and a roof over their heads. I grew up with rural teachers that were very involved in the welfare of their students and seeing firsthand the power of teachers working with and advocating for their school children and also experiencing the aftermath of the ones that did not—would not, could not—trouble themselves with assisting a student and community population historically marginalized either from a lack of knowledge of what to do or a lack of care on what could be done. This had a profound experience throughout my personal and professional life and set the foundations of what my work and scholarship will be. Moreover, working with immigrants, refugees, and marginalized populations of cultural and linguistic diverse backgrounds, had made this commitment to teacher education and formation in advocacy and social justice stronger than ever. My research thesis study is a three-essay dissertation that looks to explore the makings of a teacher that is also an advocate for their students and communities. Using a theoretical framework grounded on Freirean notions of education as a revolutionary act, and the teacher as a revolutionary actor. I developed a Pedagogies of Disruption and Transformation (PoDaT, Martinez-Suarez, in press) a conceptual framework (Chapter 1/Essay 1), to be used as model for practice and action-based engagement in the pedagogical practices needed to frame our teaching as classroom practitioners and teaching practices as teacher educators. These pedagogical practices are enacted following a model where change by disruption can be ultimately created following a conceptual design where: knowledge leads to awareness, awareness leads to empathy, empathy leads to action, and action leads to change. Knowledge → Awareness → Empathy → Action → Change In other words, the acquisition of knowledge leads to a situation of awareness, this awareness leads to a state of empathy—where you may agree or disagree with what is happening, but you can understand why is happening—the state of empathy leads to a desire for action and this desire for action leads to a movement for change. For Essay 2, I am doing a self-study on teacher advocacy identity formation using a theoretical framework based on Anzaldúa’s geography of selves (Anzaldúa, 2015) and Bonny Norton’s’ imagined communities (Kanno & Norton, 2003; Norton 2016; Norton & Pavlenko, 2019) inspired by Benedict Anderson’s (Anderson, 1983, 2006) work. Essay 2 is titled Este puente que es mi espalda [This bridge that is my back]—a self-study on teacher advocacy identity construction through dialogical positionality with imagined communities. This essay is also informed by my autohistoria (Anzaldúa, 1999; Keating, 2009) of the figured worlds (Holland & Lave, 2001). For Essay 3 I am doing a quantitative classroom-based study on teacher education of pre-service teachers developing their identities as advocates for English language learners.

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With this dissertation I aim to contribute to the field of education, in the area of teacher education with the specific component of formal and direct education of advocacy in issues of social justice specifically for English language learners during a teacher candidate’s educational program on their higher learning institutional journeys. As I was in the middle of the writing the dissertation’s proposal COVID-19 happened. At first we were moved to teaching and researching online—I have a teaching and researching fellowship—as we started to deal with the beginnings of a global crisis that—at the time—we thought would last a few weeks, maybe a couple of months if anything. Little did we know how mistaken we were. THIS TOO SHALL PASS, LIKE A KIDNEY STONE, BUT IT WILL PASS: COVID-19 CHALLENGES GALORE Bienvenidos/Welcome In Martínez-Suárez (2021), I briefly reflected on the way Covid-19 disrupted our lives and how I found strength and worked to develop resilience though the use of an old mexican mantra “Cuando llegue a ese río cruzaré ese puente” (When I get to that river I will cross that bridge)”. Specifically, I reflected on a five-step quick plan to overcome this disruption while trying to get to the other side relatively unscathed. In this chapter, I expand upon these notions and build out conceptually what the challenges of the pandemic posed for myself as a Latina Woman, Mother, Wife, Daughter, Sister, and Graduate Student balancing multiple identities. This is my tale of ongoing sobrevivencia (surviving and thriving). It provides considerations for graduate student success amidst the unexpected adverse conditions of a global pandemic. Here in the United States, in the State of Texas particularly, the first measures of social distancing were deployed at the beginning of the spring break. Our children left the school on March 9, 2020 and they did not go back until the middle of October 2020, when the implementation of phases designated to bring children back to school went into effect. Tensions among school authorities and parents increased significantly when politics continued to divide and not conquer leaving parents and educators at wits’ end trying to keep the social distancing mandated norms and the health and safety regulations in place dedicated to prevent further contagion. For this section I will briefly explore the three major challenges experienced in this household from the coronavirus pandemic.

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Disruption The ongoing COVID-19 pandemic has been a major force of destruction and change around the world. At home, we were not the exception and the disruption experienced early in the spring of 2020 still has consequences that we can feel more than 18 months later. We lost our lives structures in a heart beat. Our work structure was chaos in the adult world. For our children, they experienced the loss of school structure and the loss of social interaction. Along with mourning the loss of their accrued school kinship, they experienced the aftermath of a high school teaching body frantically trying to figure out remote online teaching with whatever they had at hand, while striving to do their best. From this side of the desk, the teacher’s side, I saw and understood this since I was experiencing the same. I am still not very sure how we survived the spring 2020 semester, but we did, and then things got worse. Financial Challenges One of the severe impacts of the global crisis was the financial trouble it brought to a lot of households across the globe. In ours it was not different. I have a teaching and research fellowship to complete my PhD. This means that I got my tuition paid and a small—very small—stipend in the form of monthly salary, and that is the sole source of income I bring to my home. My husband is the main breadwinner in this family of four. During the first part of the summer, and as the economy slowed down almost to a halt in certain industries, a lot of companies were forced to downsize and stop their production or economic activities in order to be able to survive. Others were not that lucky and did not survive even after economic measures were taken to reduce expenditures. One of these economic measures comes in the form of a work figure called “furlough.” Under this special situation, the worker keeps their employment but does not go to work nor receives payment. Under this labor figure, the worker is sent home with the instruction to not go to the place of employment, nor engage in any activity that could be considered work-related since people under furlough are not expected to even open their work email accounts. Under this furlough figure we lost 10 weeks of salary. These two and a half months of furlough caused a loss of income equivalent to an almost 20% of total yearly income with the consequently massive economical disruption to the family budget. Mental Health “Hello darkness my old friend” (Simon, 1965). During these weeks, that were transformed into months, the amount of extra stressors had a toll

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on mental health. In particular on increasing the levels of anxiety already experienced during the academic journey and how this increase had a direct impact on writing and research productivity concretely. It felt like everything in our research-y brain came to a halt and we were put in survival mode, conservation of mental energy, and cognitive space. Writing is a special skill that needs not only the cognitive and mental space, but also the emotional energy to be completed. This heightened state of paralyzing anxiety-induced days left me without a productive brain and engaged mind to work with. Some weeks lasted hours or even days, by the end of the summer I just wanted to not have to write a single line, nor read a single line. Meanwhile, the proposal needed to be finished and defended. It was indeed challenging to say the least. OPPORTUNITIES THAT ARE TERRIFYING: HOW COVID-19 SHOWED SOME REALLY UNEXPECTED BENEFITS Alas, like the Mexican saying goes, “No hay mal que dure cien años, ni gente que lo aguante” [There is no evil that will last a hundred years, nor people that will withstand it]. We needed to work with what we had, and did what we could, whenever we could. Some of the unexpected benefits included more time together as a family. Now this can go both ways, it can be a blessing or a curse, especially if you are not used to spending long stretches of time in close proximity, or the nature of the familial relationships is less than ideal or even toxic. Luckily, in our household we have a very positive and easy-going relationship with one-another, and we are—still—liking our company under our own special and privileged circumstances and policies. For example, we live in a big spacious house where the children have their own rooms and we have some other spaces where one can go and have some space. We are not used to being with each other for hours on end. The children take after my husband in the way that they prefer to have their own spaces and are at their most happy and content when they are at home with their things and their spaces. I am an ambivert who loves seeing people and thrives on social interaction, but who needs long periods of recharging afterwards. Right before the health crisis hit, I was in a perpetual state of exhaustion since I had too many tasks, meetings, assignments, projects, and in-person related events that made me feel tired and grouchy. An unexpected opportunity COVID-19 afforded to my research was the possibility to reorganize, reschedule, postpone, or even cancel a lot of projects—or “side quests” as my daughter rightly explained to me after inquiring about her not doing her work promptly. This unexpected opportunity left me with the opportunity to reprioritize and work—as much as the anxiety allowed—in a way that I have not had for years.

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A TIP OR TWO: WHAT WORKED, WHAT DID NOT: TIPS AND STRATEGIES FOR DOCTORAL STUDENTS WRITING AND DEFENDING DISSERTATIONS VIRTUALLY DURING THE PANDEMIC Memes and Grad School First, some good sense of humor generally goes a long way. In my specific case, a good sense of humor has proven to be extremely helpful navigating life generally, and surviving this maelstrom of doing a PhD during a global crisis specifically. I highly recommend joining memes and grad school groups in your favorite social media platform. You will find a plethora of opportunities to laugh and reflect—sometimes laugh and cry in the same meme—and connect with other people that are experiencing the same. Find Your People Second, find your people, your overachiever peers who reflect your own identities and share foes and tribulations. Share good days and bad days, make your own group, invite others, decide if you want to share your grad school memes there or if you just want to read and feel that you have a shared experience and you are not alone. Graduate school work tends to be a solitary endeavor and depending on your discipline, could also be very isolating. Humans are social creatures; we are living under a post-positivism paradigm from vygotskyan roots that acknowledges learning is a social endeavor (Vygotsky, 1978), therefore we understand the process to be of a shared experience. Look for your like-minded grad students’ creatures and generate your school or murder of PhDs or join one. Rest and Self-Care Under a Capitalistic Neoliberal Paradigm in Academia Take some much needed time to rest and take care of yourself first and foremost—guilt free and anxiety free. You deserve this. For a beautiful poem about self-care in academia, please see Appendix B. As academics, we are measured by productivity metrics, by the amount of written work, and how that work is cited—or not—during the dissertation process. We are expected to engage in research that is both meaningful and a contribution to our fields of study. We are required to apply and present at conferences since our yearly evaluation will include that area. We are strongly encouraged to serve in leadership positions in organizations related to our field. In

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some of our areas of interest, you will also be tasked with joining the editorial group of a journal so you can have the experience under your belt and reflect on your curriculum. All of these activities require our most precious asset: time. Also, it requires mental space, cognitive space, and emotional energy to start and finish an endeavor so magnificent—and tiring—as a thesis dissertation. Therefore, rest and self-care become not only a desired outcome after a long and grueling day working, but also a manifested necessity if you wish to continue your creative work. Unfortunately, living under a paradigm that considers rest and self-care more like defects of the personality that prevents or robs capitalistic productivity rather than a human necessity to keep creating, has resulted in a host of struggling academics dealing with a host of issues from substance abuse, self-medication, depression, failed relationships, along with the impact of chronic stress on the developing of chronic conditions and/or illnesses (O’Dwyer et al., 2018). CUANDO LLEGUE A ESE RIO, CRUZARÉ ESE PUENTE [WHEN I GET TO THAT RIVER, I WILL CROSS THAT BRIDGE]: AN AFFIRMATION MANTRA GROUNDED IN RESILIENCIA FROM MY JOURNEY TO YOURS Lastly, I share with you this grounding exercise on resilience and reclaiming power. When I get to that river, I will cross that bridge is a way of thinking, a way of being if you like, a way of understanding reality, a part of my ontology. I have briefly written in Martinez-Suarez (2021) about this ontological approach and life philosophy that has grounds in Taoism and Buddhists’ ways of perceiving the world and reality—“If it has a solution why worry about it?; If it does not have a solution, why worry about it?”—I use this as a mantra for when events, situations, people, projects, are challenging, particularly problematic or toxic: “Cuando llegue a ese río, cruzaré ese puente” [When I get to that river I will cross that bridge]. It means that I shall not, would not, and will not worry about that particular situation, event, project, or problem until it is time to engage on it. I will cross that river when I get to it with whatever means I have at hand and with whatever I have prepared to cross those specific waters. It does not mean that I will not take specific actions to prepare for when the time to cross that river arrives, but it means that after I took measures, did and programmed the necessary tasks to approach that river with the purpose of successfully crossing it, I will no longer engage in distracting myself worrying about the upcoming river that I have to cross. In our lives we have to cross many, many rivers—some we will cross relatively easily because they are just a jump and a skip away; others, we will need a strong bridge with strong foundations because the river is strong as well. We can both prepare and let go, when the time comes and

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the stress or anxiety seems like too much, I find myself inhaling deeply and remembering both: This too shall pass, like a kidney stone but it will pass; when I get to that river I will cross that bridge, but for now I will work and prepare and do my best while taking care of myself and the people that I love because in the words of Emily Dickinson, “It’s all I have to bring today” (see Appendix A for full poem). APPENDIX A It’s all I have to bring today by Emily Dickinson It’s all I have to bring today— This, and my heart beside— This, and my heart, and all the fields— And all the meadows wide— Be sure you count—should I forget Someone the sum could tell— This, and my heart, and all the Bees Which in the Clover dwell. APPENDIX B Self care: a manifesto. by O’Dwyer et al. (2018, pp. 246–248) Eat apple pancakes smothered in Nutella. Practice yoga Watch The English Patient Turn off email notifications Walk. Drink wine Have a massage Eat fish and chips Swim. Bake cookies Eat cookies Read to small children Meditate.

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Drink coffee Buy flowers Watch RuPaul’s Drag Race Gossip. Eat hot cross buns Read Pride and Prejudice Plant seedlings in the dirt Dance. Drink champagne Watch Pitch Perfect Stand in damp grass and name the constellations Breathe. Drink gin Buy new shoes Walk around a lake Laugh. Remember that this is what you do, not who you are Drink tea Stroll among olive trees Watch slam poetry on YouTube Sleep. Go to the beach Eat toast Read The Shipping News Cry. Have a bath Watch The Bachelor Bake a German cherry cake Run. Abandon bad books Savour good ones Turn your face to the sun Cook. Turn off the internet Watch fog rise from a mountain in the morning Watch fog descend on a mountain in the evening Sing.

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Take a holiday Buy a puppy Go to an art gallery Love. Read To Kill A Mockingbird Sand a piece of furniture Clomp around paddocks in warm socks and gumboots Relax. Remember that this is your job, not your life. Buy a newspaper Spend the day in bed Watch chickens poking in the dirt Create. Write a novel Stand at the edge of the ocean Roll dough with a heavy wooden pin Browse. Eat dumplings Drink cherry beer Ride a motorbike with a beautiful man Play. Watch Friends Watch Survivor Watch The Walking Dead Read. Wind wool around needles Survive a spin class Go to the movies in the middle of the day Exist. Write a list of self-care activities Publish it in a good journal Encourage your colleagues to reflect on their own self-care Resist.

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REFERENCES Anderson, B. (1983). Imagined communities (First ed.). Verso Editions/NLB. Anderson, B. (2006). Imagined communities: Reflections on the origin and spread of nationalism. Verso Editions/NLB. Anzaldúa, G. (1999). Borderlands = La frontera: The new mestiza. Spinsters/Aunt Lute Books. Anzaldúa, G. (2015). Light in the dark/Luz en lo oscuro: Rewriting identity, spirituality, reality. Duke University Press. Holland, D., & Lave, J. (2001). History in person: Enduring struggles, contentious practice, intimate identities. SAR Press. Kanno, Y., & Norton, B. (2003). Imagined communities and educational possibilities: Introduction. Journal of language, identity, and education, 2(4), 241–249. Keating, A. (2009). The Gloria Anzaldúa reader. Duke UP. Martínez-Suárez, A., (2021, October 13). “Cuando Llegue A Ese Río Cruzaré Ese Puente”: When I get to that river I will cross that bridge: A self-reflection on intersectionality and genderized resilience during Covid19. Womentorship in English Language Teaching, 1, 34–35. https://drive.google.com/file/d/1pD9b OxyCSXwotDyRXY8ead9ABDzCXHiJ/view?fbclid=IwAR2ycQGkpv6pma02Ju mkVSlpGXuNXo90g8fWTBlPFVUIhASJuHRrmYdeIQo Norton, B. (2016). Identity and language learning: Back to the future. TESOL Quarterly, 50(2), 475–479. Norton, B., & Pavlenko, A. (2019). Imagined communities, identity, and English language learning in a multilingual world. In X. Gao (ed.), Second handbook of English language teaching (pp. 703–718). Springer. O’Dwyer, S., Pinto, S., & McDonough, S. (2018). Self-care for academics: A poetic invitation to reflect and resist. Reflective Practice, 19(2), 243–249. Vygotsky, L. S. (1980). Mind in society: The development of higher psychological processes. Harvard University Press.

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SECTION II LOSS, GRIEF, AND HEALING

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CHAPTER 6

UNCERTAIN AND UNPACKING How Moving and Rebuilding Our Home During COVID-19 Led to Reinventing My Work Michiko M. Kealoha University of San Francisco

“Hey! Do you two want some cupcakes?! We were supposed to hand them out at the big campus event today, and it got canceled. I think you’re the last students in the building . . . It’s a little treat before our longer-than-expected spring break!” The students looked down giddily at the pink bakery box and let out a small squeal, gleefully took the treats, and bounced down the winding ramp towards the emptying parking lot. I turned back to my office, and walked through the deserted cafeteria, thinking how eerie it was to see chairs and tables ajar, with no one at them. The usual Thursday afternoon bustle of sound was replaced with the echoing slow cadence of my heels on linoleum. Tick, tick, tick. I had about 30 minutes until the campus would be closed. I stood in front of our center’s giant white-board calendar with all our plans for the month of March, and wiped it clean. We’d be back in a few weeks, so I shrugged off the sudden change of plans, and diligently Dissertating During a Pandemic, pages 47–60 Copyright © 2022 by Information Age Publishing All rights of reproduction in any form reserved.

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began to detail in our April calendar of events with blue and green expo markers. I doodled “April showers” raindrops and umbrellas on the sides of the board before closing the caps, grabbed my packed backpack, and swung it over my shoulder, then headed out the office door. That was the last day I was able to get back on campus. We didn’t come back after the anticipated 2 weeks. Now it’s been more than half a year, and we still haven’t come back. Those April showers will keep falling, the umbrellas dancing on a whiteboard alone, in an abandoned office. It’s now October 2020, and our institution has officially announced Spring Semester of 2021 continuing in an all-virtual modality; I still can’t seem to wrap my head around how much will have changed in my life in this one year “away” from campus. What would have been a long-awaited graduation milestone and celebration for my first-generation college students was stolen, and my own last class experiences as a student were gone too. And in the time that passed since the start of the virus, one in four U.S. adults experienced someone in their household losing their job due to the pandemic (Parker et al., 2020). My family was no exception. With the multiple layoffs that occurred in our family, my spouse and I found ourselves (in dis-belief) moving from the apartment we called home for 5 years. We were hurriedly stuffing our things into garbage bags as we moved to the house I grew up in almost 15 years ago. In addition to the loss of jobs, there were so many lives lost too. We lost many loved ones in our communities that still had so much life in front of them; some lost to illness, and others lost to injustice. And in the midst of this loss and change, my spouse and I also found ourselves blessed with the news that we would become first-time parents. In one year, there has been so much grief, loss, and uncertainty, and also, a glimmer of hope for our future. Within the layers of this transition, chaos, anxiety, and joy, I found that I had completely forgotten about being a student. It was my first time in 20+ years that I was “taking a course” (writing my dissertation prospectus) and didn’t have the formal structure of a class. I didn’t know how to “self-pace,” especially when it felt that everything I had previously known about my life prepandemic changed. With everything happening, how could I be the daughter, spouse, sister, soon-to-be-mother, friend, teacher, advocate, mentor, higher education professional, and successful graduate student I wanted to be? Oh Yea, I’m Still a Doc. Student . . . Right? My head hung limp between my knees, my toes clenched the sticky tiles of the bathroom floor, arms up on either side of me, trying to hold up the walls as everything spun dizzily around me. I retched violently for the tenth time that morning. Is this what morning sickness was going to be like the whole

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time?! I had just hurriedly turned off my Zoom camera in the middle of a staff meeting and stumbled from my make-shift kitchen table office. Everything was spinning in chaos with my thoughts: I had 6 more hours of Zoom meetings, then the mandatory online-faculty training, after that I promised to help mom get her new work ready since she didn’t have a computer, and my spouse and I still needed to fix the flooding toilet in the back room, the blown fuse, and the broken stairs before the next set of rolling blackouts hit. Did I remember to write that email to our group putting together the workshop on anti-racism yet? My phone screen suddenly lit up the dark bathroom: “Hey cohort! Happy first teaching weekend! How’s everyone doing with all the smoke and fires? Does anyone need anything? Has anyone been able to write? Are we ready to defend?!” I was going to be sick again . . .  How had I forgotten to register to defend? Actually . . . how had I completely forgotten I was still a student in all of this? I felt so grateful for the text from my classmate, yet it reminded me I hadn’t even looked at my prospectus all summer . . . I was nowhere near ready. With a writing schedule I could freely create and edit myself, I wound up not prioritizing time to update the suggestions from my qualifying presentation. I also still had to completely re-write my Chapter 3 due to COVID-19 changing the way I could collect data. And there were still so many pdf articles still waiting in an unread folder, needing to be deciphered and added to my theoretical framework. The thought of all that reading and rewriting and not knowing where to start was beyond daunting, especially with a new crowded residence and spotty Wi-Fi. I had previously been able to go to campus early and get all of my writing and edits done there, yet now shelter in place meant I was in the middle of constant noise and need from others. With the new living situation, and feeling like I was doing double what I normally do at work with the new online transition, I kept questioning if it was really worth it for me to push my pregnant and stressed self to re-write my dissertation prospectus half-heartedly. I grappled with continuing my program at all. Would I even be able to finish with this new online modality while becoming a first time mom? Was busting my butt in school to be the first in my family to go to college (let alone try and achieve a doctoral degree) to not get to cross the stage and celebrate even worth it? And more importantly, because COVID-19 would close campuses for some time, would my research still be valid? What Was I Researching Again? A Brief Synopsis of My Dissertation Study My original plan was to work with student affairs (SA) practitioners through action research, creating a proposal of awareness and change in

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how colleges manage free speech and assembly on their campuses. I was specifically interested in working with colleagues who oversee free speech and assembly at the 116 community colleges across California to learn what their experiences, training, issues, and support were like. Utilizing a critical race theory (CRT) lens, I wanted to discover how SA colleagues have experienced free speech and assembly events on our campuses between the 2016 and 2020 U.S. presidential elections. In my experience, and connecting with colleagues across the state, I’ve seen how SA professionals are in the middle of a struggle—interpreting free speech and assembly policies that legally allow for hate speech, while also trying to support all students and administrators. SA professionals’ experiences and advocacy for change have been invisibilized or silenced in many of these free speech and assembly incidences—having a major effect on students, social movements, and the campus as a whole. With COVID-19 shutting down our California community college campuses from March 2019 until May 2021 (covering the period of the 2020 U.S. presidential election), I thought free speech and assembly would not be the same since we were no longer on campus. I questioned: Did I have to completely rewrite my dissertation? Would colleagues still be interested in participating in my research? Would the topic of free speech and assembly on campus still be substantial when we had no “campus”? Unexpectedly, my new neighbors helped me answer my worried questions about my research. OPPORTUNITIES THAT COVID-19 HAS PROVIDED TO MY RESEARCH AND JOURNEY Can You Really “Never Go Home Again”? Upon arriving back to my childhood home (where we were, and still are, one of the few families of color/mixed-race families on the block) we were welcomed by some White families walking over, stopping in front of the house, staring, and not returning our waves or greetings as my spouse and I unloaded our cars. The neighbors just stood there, creating a silent human wall. Memories flooded back of a neighbor coming up to my mom and me as we played outside, screaming at us, “What kind of Asian are you?!” I remember mom stammering, “I’m Japanese,” and the man sneered back, “I thought you were a Jap,’’ before lumbering back to his house. I started to remember incidences from my childhood in that neighborhood that I had long buried: eggings and toilet-papering of our house, bullying homeowners’ association threats, and other incidents. I began to get more worried for the community as the news became increasingly disturbing, showing escalating hate crimes in the area during

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shelter in place. Although I was mixed-race and privileged with potentially “passing,” my family questioned if mom and grandma were safe to go out to the market when there were so many attacks on Asian and Asian Americans in the area. And what was happening down the street further increased our apprehension. A new Black Lives Matter mural nearby was defaced the same day it was painted, and after it was repainted to its original form, “White lives matter” was painted on a nearby street; with the city refusing to grant permission to the original artists to restore the Black Lives Matter mural (Bay City News, 2020). Then, a racially charged incident happened via social media involving local community college students—affecting much of the campus community. These incidences shook me out of my shelter-in-place haze. There was no doubt how pervasive freedom of speech and assembly, hate speech, and hate crimes are during this pandemic and upcoming presidential election. Regardless if campuses were physically open, race, power, and privilege still play major roles in how some in privilege can practice freedom of speech and assembly, while others cannot. This research work and work towards change needed to happen. It’s Important, Yet Where Do I Go From Here? The incidences in our community motivated me to continue the research and work for change; however, I was stuck on how to re-write my Chapter 3. I had originally wanted to do a participatory action research (PAR) project, since PAR is both rooted in CRT and solving problems through community agency. Yet, I learned during my qualifying presentation that PAR projects take a much longer period of time than I originally anticipated. Additionally, the natural setting of a PAR project is usually collected in a field site (in my case, I had wanted it over the course of the numerous conferences my colleagues and I already attended together in person over the academic year) where interactions, trust, and change can deepen with those unplanned out-of-session personal moments and shared meals. Doing this project over video conferencing could potentially feel forced or have elements of formality. Furthermore, with a new baby on the way, along with colleagues sharing with me that they’re completely burned out from being on group video conferences all day, how could I compromise? How could I finish this educational milestone in time to be present for my child, be cognizant of what my colleagues needed for their own mental health, yet still do research that I thought was meaningful to both myself and my field? The beginnings of an answer to my methodology questions sprouted from the shelter-in-place check-ins I began to have with students and colleagues. In these one-on-one and just-because check-ins, I started to feel

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how different it was being able to connect to just one person at a time. We were able to have deeper check-ins and be real with how we were truly doing. There was less error of talking over someone awkwardly compared to a larger group, and our Wi-Fi setups seemed to have less issues (freezing or needing to come off video) when it was just two of us on a video call. There was also this two layer effect of these one-on-one check ins for me: One being that it felt more intimate and real than the large and overwhelming calls we had been on all day for our regular work or teaching routine, and two that during the loneliness and anxiety of the pandemic, it was comforting to just be with someone you could unpack with. These check-ins lead me to think that perhaps PAR informed in-depth interviews and narrative exploration could be just as meaningful in my dissertation research. With in-depth interviews informed by PAR, a potential benefit could be that an individual may feel safer and more comfortable away from the constraints of work oversite. Additionally, with how politically charged the topic of freedom of speech and assembly has become, individual and in-depth interviews and calls for action could also feel more safe in a one-to-one setting as opposed to a larger and more public recorded group setting. If I could update my methodology to reflect what colleagues needed during the pandemic’s shelter-in-place, I might still have participants who actively wanted to take part in my research, and still have an epistemological approach that is both exploratory and transformative (Creswell & Creswell, 2018). Going Virtual Adds Potential Multimedia Layers to My Dissertation Work In my Spring 2020 semester, I had been looking forward to meeting with the entire department of faculty for my dissertation prospectus qualifying presentation (QP); yet when I found out it was virtual, I felt disheartened. How could the faculty get to know my research project and who I am if they’re just watching a slide deck click by on Zoom? I re-envisioned my QP, asked for permission from the department chair, and created an interactive video where I animated my theoretical framework, included videos of my family and students in addressing “why this research project,” and was my goofy authentic self. Being able to pre-record and be live for questions in my QP also gave me confidence that I would get my message right, and that I wouldn’t have to stress over potentially lost internet connection or getting distracted by Zoom-bombing. With the success of my video QP, I also took the opportunity of being solely online to the next level through “docposals.” Enamored with social media videos of proposals and promposals,1 I took video clips and pictures

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of class trips and experiences, along with my video of how each faculty member has been a significant part of my journey, and created a special docposal video for my dissertation committee members. These videos asked each person if they’d do me the honor of joining me on this final part of my dissertation journey. It was a personal and meaningful way to show the faculty how much they were appreciated. The time and nostalgia of creating each video also reminded me of the importance these incredible colleagues and mentors had on me; reminding me when I’m feeling stuck in my dissertation work that I have an incredible team of people that care about me and will see me through this work. Additionally, because the QP and docposals were all in video form, I was able to share this proposed dissertation work with my students and family—being able to bring them with me on this important part of my journey. Upon meeting with my dissertation chair after she watched my videos, she reminded me that my love for multimedia could be incorporated into data collection, or even be used to share this research project with a broader community. I’m still exploring how I could use multimedia in my data collection, and look forward to the possibilities of creating a short documentary or community-based video training on this free speech and assembly work. Partnering my written dissertation work with multimedia, the narratives and experiences of my colleagues across the state can be shared beyond a research paper, and has the possibility of bringing awareness and action to so many more people. I don’t know if I would have arrived at this possibility of public scholarship had it not been for changes that COVID-19 brought. COPING AND STRATEGIES The past half year has had so many layers of navigation. Table 6.1 shows a few notes on what has been important to me, helping guide me through my process. TABLE 6.1  Notes on What Was Important What Helped Me Remembering My Why My dissertation chair has been an incredible mentor and reminds me when I’m stuck or unpacking to think about my “Why”—Why am I doing this study? Who am I writing for? What action do I hope will come from this work? Remembering and centering this always helps ground me when I seem to be spinning. Documenting My Journey As a lover of storytelling and a former undergraduate double major in English and film studies, I believe testimonio during this time is crucial. I’ve been keeping a written journal and reminding (continued)

54    M. M. KEALOHA TABLE 6.1  Notes on What Was Important (continued) myself to video diary during this process. One of my last formal classes as a graduate student had a “Coronavirus Personal Documentary” as an option for our final project. Having this kind of “before and after” project with pictures, videos, stories, and even articles to share and look back at reminds me of how much has happened and how strong I actually am. Staying Connected Honest Check-Ins

Whether it’s with my dissertation chair, my cohort-mates, my students, my colleagues, my alumni, my friends, or my community affinity groups, having a community virtually by my side during shelter in place has been everything to me. Imposter syndrome racks me deeply. Being able to do check-ins is a constant reminder and affirmation. Connecting honestly and being real with our situations in these groups have happened via group texts, messenger, and video hangouts. Sharing our trials, tribulations, “nuggets of joy,” and how each of us is navigating education and racial justice has been crucial to validating each other and providing such a deep source of motivation for me.

Writing With Others: Utilizing a Writing Circle

When first going into a doctoral program (pre-coronavirus), mentors were sharing that going into the writing process of the doctoral program would be the loneliest time of my academic process. Add on the extra stress and fear of a pandemic, not getting to see each other in person, and campuses boarded up so you can’t visit? It’s lonely! I feel really lucky that our university has created virtual “writing centers,” “writing retreats,” and “study halls” to gather in community together and get writing done. Having a set day and time each week with calendar reminders and people texting if you’re not in session has been a great help to me. In addition to campus writing groups, I have found it very helpful to join larger dissertation writing communities during the pandemic. This includes groups on Facebook like “Qualitative Research in Education” and “The Dissertation Coach.” Connecting with others in these groups going through similar trials and tribulations in their pandemic writing has been very validating, and has provided me with suggestions on my research methodologies.

Getting Involved on “Campus”

Because of my lens as a student affairs professional, I believe getting involved with a campus community is important. Getting engaged with others in non-class work as we transitioned to completely self-paced and online learning was critical for my retention. For me, being able to meet up with other doctoral students and professors in my program and work with them on a project has not only been a rewarding developmental experience, it has reminded me that I am still part of this campus community. Without that added feeling of connection and belonging to the university, I might have easily been able to say goodbye to my dissertation and studies and dropped out when the pandemic hit.

Bringing Family With You With sheltering in place and having the privilege to work from home, I am finding that my work and family life lines have begun to blur. And, in some ways, I am grateful. I have found that asking my partner or my mother to “sit in” with me at community forums on anti-racism (continued)

Uncertain and Unpacking    55 TABLE 6.1  Notes on What Was Important (continued) and student engagement events has given them a better understanding of what my work really looks like. Being able to bring my family with me gave them a deeper understanding of my research work and my passion; leading them to encourage me to keep up with my dissertation writing. Prepping for the Unknown Black Outs/ Power Losses

With the constant power shut offs happening in our area of California, I’ve learned that all of my dissertation and prospectus work is best saved on a live GoogleDoc; so that when power goes out unexpectedly I don’t lose any of my work. I have also invested in a backup battery pack for my laptop and am usually all “e-book only”; however, have purchased a few used hardcopy books for when the last of the back-up battery has died during a power outage. And like many of my students, I have had numerous situations where a phone is my only option if I want to get work done during these statewide rolling blackouts. I’ve turned my google account to be able to access my dissertation google folder offline, and have many times used the screenshot and draw feature on my phone to highlight readings. With critical quotes, I would save the highlighted screenshot as a drafted email and email subject: “AuthorLastName_Year_Highlight_Section,” an example being “Ferreira_2014_ThirdWorldLibFront_LitReviewCC.”

Pregnancy

As a mixed-race yonsei (fourth generation Japanese American) I always grew up with the idea of gaman—endure it and get through it without complaint or question. My mother and grandmother never experienced any sickness or difficulties during their pregnancy, so why couldn’t I gaman through my dissertation work? I turned to apps like Peanut, which have allowed me to connect to other expecting moms in about the same timeframe of their pregnancy journey, and share stories of support to one another. One of the community members on the app reminded me to talk openly to my health care professional and challenge them to provide me the medical support I needed. Additionally, reaching out to professors and classmates in my program who were also moms while working toward their doctoral degree was incredibly reassuring. As a first-generation college student, I felt I didn’t have anyone to turn to who balanced full-time work, part-time teaching, and graduate school while being pregnant. Being reminded that I have a graduate program ‘ohana, or family, to turn to in this time was crucial for me. It allowed me to see that dissertating while becoming a mom is possible. Reaching out to my dissertation chair about the big news (and being honest about how sick I was because of it) was also a critical moment in my dissertation journey. I shared how hard it was for me to balance family obligations, learning to teach online for the first time, re-learning my full time job as a Student Affairs professional virtually, and being so sick through it all made me. After an 11+ hour day consumed with (continued)

56    M. M. KEALOHA TABLE 6.1  Notes on What Was Important (continued) Pregnancy (cont.)

staring at a screen teaching and working on Zoom, trying to read articles and write my dissertation prospectus on the same daunting screen while I was already so nauseous was adding to the intense level of fatigue I was experiencing. In sharing this, my chair reminded me that although I’ve always “gaman-ed’ through working full-time, teaching part-time, and being a full-time student, I’m also taking care of my family and surroundings while now housing a little life. She raised the point that my health and wellbeing are crucial for my child’s wellbeing, and because I was feeling so ill so often, if I needed to take a writing break, she was there to support whatever my decision was. My doctoral chair’s support and validation regarding the importance of my health and the well-being of my child allowed me to take a conscious step back from my dissertation. It was admittedly still heartbreaking for me to postpone my prospectus defense, and see that my cohort was moving on to IRB approval without me. However, this move allowed me the needed time to get rest through the first 20 weeks of my pregnancy sickness and also aided me to become a better role model for my own students. Because I had been validated about prioritizing health and family, I could do the same with all those taking my course, and I found so many students connect back with how important that message was to them. It took my pregnancy for me to ask for the help I needed in my dissertation journey (Goings & Tomlin 2020). I feel healthier and more prepared to continue with my research after my break in writing; knowing I wasn’t just asking for help for me anymore, I was asking for my soon-to-be daughter too.

Fires

If the fear of the pandemic itself was not enough, California has been ravaged by countless fires in 2020. So many community members have lost everything. Along with finding ways to support our community who have experienced loss, I find myself so filled with anxiety that sitting down to read a research article amid threats of natural disasters to be meaningless. Sharing resources like Ready for Wildfires (pre-evacuation preparation) has helped me to prepare in some way so that I can begin to feel less apprehensive and begin to read and edit my dissertation prospectus again.

Schedule and Forgive Dissertation Cheat Sheet

I created a “Dissertation Cheat Sheet” based on readings that noted what each chapter should contain with writing prompt questions, so when I felt stuck I had specific questions I could address to get me back on track.

Helpful Apps

Free apps like Trello have been helpful for me to set up specific to-do lists that even have pop up reminders that come to my phone. The app allows me to set dates and times for tasks, and I can even share specific tasks with a colleague, family member, or committee member so they can help watch me complete a task on my list (if you need that extra push). Having this specific dissertation Trello board with different categorized (continued)

Uncertain and Unpacking    57 TABLE 6.1  Notes on What Was Important (continued) Helpful Apps (cont.)

lists of what I want to read for my literature review versus my methodology section, and being able to move those items to a “completed” list has also kept me organized while reminding me how much I’ve actually gotten done (when I’m beating myself up about not doing enough). One of my students also introduced me to the app Flora. This app helps me to stop getting distracted by my phone when I’m working on my dissertation. The app has allowed me to set a specific task such as “reread my problem statement and make updates” and set a time for me to complete this task. If I go to touch my phone for a notification on social media, email, text etc. my phone will encourage me to stay on task. If I complete the task in the set time without touching my phone, the app grows a little tree. The application even keeps track of my progress every time I use it, so I’m able to track how much time I am actually dedicating each week to my writing. Checking out the tracker each week also helps give me an added push to find more time in my schedule if I didn’t make my certain hours a week goal of working on my dissertation.

Plan . . . Then Be Open Minded

In February of 2020, as part of a class assignment, I created a visual timeline of my entire doctoral program leading to my hopeful graduation in December 2021. It included: pictures of my “why,” and dates of when I’d like to finish each remaining class, to choose my dissertation committee, when I wanted to defend my prospectus, collect data, analyze, write and edit, and submit. I had grand plans to save the visual timeline image as my phone screen saver and print it out to put up in my office and my bedroom. Then March 2020 and the pandemic hit home. It’s a beautiful timeline that provides me a path to follow, yet all the dates must still be re-visited and re-edited because of everything that has happened in my life. This revising reminds me to be open minded throughout the dissertation writing process (Goings & Tomlin, 2020). Pre-pandemic, I was a planner. I had every occurrence in my life on google calendar with timed reminders. I even had a printed out google sheet spreadsheet in multiple places around my house that detailed every 30 minutes of every day; including work hours, teaching hours, desired sleep and wake up hours, chores, workouts, writing, class, and specific hours to read for my dissertation prospectus. I had everything planned out, and was checking off all my boxes in the time I wanted; thriving off of the “how does she do it?” mentality. And then, with everything that has happened since March: moving and uncertain housing, new family obligations, anxiety with the political climate and health, learning to teach and work online for the first time, emotions and actions towards anti-racism work happening, and intense unexpected morning sickness, I’ve temporarily thrown my timeline and weekly calendar to the side. It’s still so difficult for me to feel I’ve fallen behind in my cohort, or my own expectations for myself. I feel myself making myself sick sometimes, chastising myself that I’m now at least “four months behind schedule.” (continued)

58    M. M. KEALOHA TABLE 6.1  Notes on What Was Important (continued) Plan...Then Be Open Minded (cont.)

To be able to forgive myself, I’ve had to really push myself to be more open minded. One of the best pieces of advice I’ve received from my mentors during this time is to forgive myself; remembering that rest is revolutionary, and the roots of “productivity” should be challenged. My mentors in the doctoral program emphasize that so many of us are taking care of ourselves and others in ways we’ve never had to think about before. Being able to be realistic and forgive myself about the goals for my dissertation and graduation that I created pre-pandemic has helped me to remember I am a full human being in a global unprecedented moment. The fact that I am still (even if slower than I anticipated) getting through my program, I am still making progress, and getting through this because I have a community.

SHOES FOR THE JOURNEY: MY AFFIRMATION We stood at the base of the stairway. Our heads tilted up simultaneously together, and then towards each other—there was nowhere else to go but up . . . right? It was still the beginning of the pandemic and we didn’t know what to expect. My spouse and I began to drag our bags of necessities up the stairs to our new quarters—the house I grew up in that hadn’t changed since my father passed away in the home over 16 years ago. Boxes of memories with thick layers of dust lined every hallway. They were stacked to the ceiling, and filled every room. Every spare moment after work was dedicated to unearthing new treasurers and finding better homes for them. A collection of 30 used toothbrushes found its way to the trash, while countless pieces of unused furniture and clothes went to a local nonprofit. Going through heaps of old items that were no longer needed and finding a special family picture at the bottom of a box seemed like reading for my dissertation at times; endless reading through things that seemed arbitrary to find a gem at the end. In cleaning and restoring my old family home during the pandemic, a timeline began to form leading up to my existence in every new box: my mom’s old passport to come into the country, my parent’s old school ID’s, a stack of bundled love letters when my parents first met, their wedding invitations and favors, a hand scribbled list of baby names, and dreams for their future. More than 30 years of family history was being uncovered with each box. At one point, I found a pile of community college ID cards that my dad had from bouncing from school to school—never getting to finish or graduate. One box had his resume asking for an employer to consider him for a waiter job since he wanted to work with and for the community in food service. And another box held his wallet, which the funeral home sent back to us. I looked inside: a picture of my brother and I, a few credit cards, and

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seven dollars. Seeing and realizing that dad passed away with seven dollars in his wallet and a resume with a wish to work with and for people changed something inside of me. Seeing these family items during my writing process was an affirmation for me—I needed to continue my dissertation work and graduate not just for me, but for my family and for my family’s future. In finding these keepsake items during shelter-in-place, I created what might seem like a little installation art piece, or altar, on the living room mantel with important found pieces. Pieces that reminded me where I come from and where I want to go. A poem and piece of art that my mom created when she was a girl; a love we both shared that I had never known about before this year. A pair of my dad’s baby shoes, juxtaposed with my own first pair of shoes. My mom’s first sonogram of me from the 1980s, next to my baby’s first sonogram of the mid-2020 pandemic. A screen-shot printed from my students’ group chat at the end of the Spring 2020 term, along with a printed email from my doctoral program mentors following my qualifying presentation. I pass by this every time I come and go from the house. It reminds me how precious the time we have together on earth is, and that this educational journey is now part of my ancestors and descendants’ stories. This affirmation also reminds me that my existence this far into an educational journey is my resistance, and that if I make it through this path, maybe more of my students, my community, and my descendants will know they can do it too. This collection and juxtaposition of significant items reminds me to live a life that is meaningful to me, my ancestors, my descendants, and my community. It also reminds me why I wanted to start this doctoral journey in the first place. Looking at the past through shelter-in-place unpacking (both literally and metaphorically) has helped me to think about what I want for the future. I feel like this is truly a metaphor for pre-pandemic and post-pandemic times too. How will education, racial justice, politics, families, research, human development, and our hopes for the future change as we continue to survive this unprecedented time? Everything that has happened during this pandemic has reminded me that my dissertation work, and all future work, must be centered around care and community coming together. I’m not sure when I’ll get to see those “April showers’’ raindrops and umbrellas that I drew on the campus white board last March. I do know though that there is still so much to be learned, researched, and shared—together. I can continue on this educational journey because and for the community I have. So, like the poem that my student and I wrote together that opened up this piece, my mantra during this pandemic continues to be: “We shine bright with all our colors in the rain, connected through the pain. Our resistance is a rainbow” (Kealoha & Padilla Valencia, 2019).

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NOTE 1. Borrowing from the idea of an engagement proposal, promposals are elaborate ways to ask someone if they would like to be your date for (high-school) prom.

REFERENCES Bay City News. (September 18, 2020). Martinez Black Lives Matter street mural to be paved over. NBC Bay Area. https://www.nbcbayarea.com/news/local/ martinez-black-lives-matter-street-mural-to-be-paved-over/2365786/ Creswell, J. W., & Creswell, J. D. (2018). Research design: Qualitative, quantitative, and mixed methods approaches (5th ed.). SAGE publications. Goings, R., & Tomlin, A. (2020, September 14). Dissertating during COVID: Three tips for doctoral students and faculty. Interfolio. https://www.interfolio.com/ resources/blog/tips-for-doctoral-students-during-covid/ Kealoha, M. M., & Padilla Valencia, J. (2019, November 4). Chasing rainbows: The power of auto-ethnographic poetry—Migration and family displacement. NASPA Western Regional Conference, Portland, OR. Parker, K., Minkin, R., & Bennett, J. (2020, September 24). Economic fallout from COVID-19 continues to hit lower-income Americans the hardest. Pew Research Center. https://www.pewsocialtrends.org/2020/09/24/economic-fallout-from-covid19-continues-to-hit-lower-income-americans-the-hardest/

CHAPTER 7

PANDAMNIC A Working Married Mother’s Quest on Writing Her Dissertation Proposal During the Times of COVID-19 Tunisia Lumpkin University of Maryland

I started this program as a full-time employee, wife and mother of two. My plate was already full—and then we had a pandemic. My plate went from being full, to overflowing. The circumstances surrounding the pandemic instantly increased the role I played in my children’s virtual learning process. The “stay at home” mandates called for me to be a chef, a referee, and whatever else you can think of. In addition to juggling these responsibilities, my family experienced a great loss after the death of the matriarch of our family. How does one balance all these competing roles, handle grief, and continue to pursue your doctoral degree? I did not know, but I was willing to try my hand. My dissertation, which explores perspectives of Black women’s hair within the Black community, and specifically how Black men view Black women’s hair, was both a personal, academic, and political project for me. A goal Dissertating During a Pandemic, pages 61–68 Copyright © 2022 by Information Age Publishing All rights of reproduction in any form reserved.

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of my research is for the information that is uncovered during my study to contribute towards the enhancement of a more positive relationship between Black women and Black men. As passionate as I am about my topic and eager to continue the dissertation process, this pandemic put a twist on my academic process, each day coming with its own set of challenges, some days better than others. CHALLENGES DURING THE PANDAMNIC New Roles and Expectations Like many other people; the challenges posed by the pandemic hit me all at once. First, there was the announcement that schools were closing, and children would start classes virtually. Then, I was notified that I was going to start teleworking 5 days a week. It was like being unexpectedly hit by a wave that takes you underwater. You do not see it coming so you cannot even attempt to brace yourself or find your footing. I was unprepared. I was unprepared for the new roles and expectations I was forced into without my consent. I was forced to balance a full day’s work of writing notices, conducting meetings and conference calls, while also being a teacher’s aide. I assist my children with navigating their technological devices and help them with classroom assignments. Let us not forget that I am also the lunch lady, and need to ensure my children’s lunches are ready by their designated lunchtimes, which might I add, are not the same as mine! In addition to managing my children’s school day and full-time employee roles, I am still a doctoral student who needs to work on my dissertation proposal. Staying on track as a doctoral student requires even more sacrifice and commitment to myself during these trying times. I play the many roles that are required of me to support my family, in particular, my children. Although I find pleasure in doing those things (the majority of the time), it is important to do things for myself, things that remind me to continue to create my own identity outside that of a mother, and a wife. Working on my dissertation is one of those things. Dealing With Grief On May 9, 2020, around 6:00 a.m., my husband received a call from his father. I immediately knew something was wrong, my father-in-law never called that early. I turned to my husband and said, “Is it about Mama Lump?” He responded with a simple “Yes.” As we waited, I had this gut feeling that she, my mother-in-law by name, but the woman I called my mama, because that’s

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who she was to me, was not going to make it. I ran into the bathroom, shut the door, and said into the air, “Mama Lump, please don’t leave me, I need you.” Within a few hours, we received the call that she was gone. She was the woman who held this family together. She would text you everybody’s birthdays, even if it was a family member you did not really talk to on a regular basis. We did not have the “normal” mother-in-law/daughterin-law relationship. We talked at least once a week. She would often say to me, “You are a girl after my own heart.” If I updated her on something that was going on, she would respond, “That’s my girl.” We were kindred spirits, and she once told me I must have a sixth sense because I would reach out to her during times she needed it the most. On the Saturday before Mother’s Day, all of that ended . . .  I used to say being a full-time employee, wife, mother, and doctoral student was the hardest thing I have ever done. That changed on May 9, 2020. The hardest thing that I have ever done was comfort my family, especially my children, in their grief of someone so vital in our lives. I just needed a little more time, time for her to attend my graduation, time to attend my kids’ graduations, just needed a little more time. So, how do you push past your grief to gain some sense of focus to research and write? To work on a project so important, yet time consuming to you? It continues to be a challenging process. OPPORTUNITIES DURING THE PANDAMNIC Recognizing Your Crew Although the pandemic brought many challenges, it offered opportunities for research, writing, and personal growth. Recognize your crew. Who is your support team? Who can you call that will be just as excited as you when you complete a chapter or find some interesting research? Who will just sit on the phone and not say a word while you cry, or when you do not feel like talking, invite you over for some wine? Different people may play different roles in supporting you, but it is important to recognize those people, especially during a time where there are limitations on face-to-face socializing. I am blessed to have two women that I can go to for every area, whether it be personal issues, support for school, meal ideas, and more. But it is okay if you have different people for different things. One of those women actually encouraged me to write this chapter by telling me I could come to her house for “wine and write.” I once heard a saying, a way to stop from spending so much time focusing on your own issues, is to use that energy to check on others. It actually makes you feel better. I often use this idea by sending texts to certain

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people, whoever crosses my mind at that time to say something simple like, “Just checking on you.” For some, it ignites a conversation, in which they elaborate on what is going on with them. I provide a positive or encouraging response. In turn, when I have a down moment, those same individuals remind me that what I told them also applies to me. Having More Free Time to Write The pandemic limits the options of places to go and things to do. However, this limitation allows me to dedicate a full day on a weekend towards my dissertation proposal. I make it an obligation to work on my proposal from daylight to night on either a Saturday or Sunday. Of course, I take breaks here and there. On the upside: With fewer places to go there are less distractions outside the home. I am able to focus on dissertation writing as my “me time” instead of happy hour. Since I do not have to worry about sending my kids off to school before I head to work, I am able to start my work day sooner, which allows me to end it much earlier than when I was physically going into the office. The ability to complete my 8-hour shift earlier in the day, affords me more time to handle household duties and still have time and energy to work on my proposal without feeling like I am forced to decide between spending time with my family or working on my proposal. This schedule change allows me to do both and diminishes my “mommy guilt.” TIPS AND TRICKS Track Your WINS During this pandemic, I also recognized the importance of establishing tools to stay motivated and keep me on track. I have a planner with motivational phrases geared towards women. The cover reads, “Nevertheless, She Persisted.” I bought it before these trying times but who would have known those words and sayings would be even more necessary today. It holds a quote from Maya Angelou that states, “You may encounter many defeats, but you must not be defeated.” It is a great reminder. I also have “Wake up. Kick ass. Repeat” planner stickers that I place on certain dates when I make progress on my dissertation proposal. If I completed a chapter of my proposal, I wrote it in my planner and placed a sticker or two on the date I completed the chapter. The stickers say things like, “I can and I will, watch me” or “Don’t Quit.” I used “stay positive, work hard, make it happen” stickers for those days that I committed hours to working on my dissertation

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proposal but did not submit anything. For those dates I could not devote a significant amount of time working on my proposal, I placed “Keep Going” stickers in my planner to recognize that my small effort still counts towards the larger goal. This is a way for me to acknowledge and count my WINS. Any type of progress towards your work is a WIN and you need to make sure you celebrate them, celebrate YOU! To count my WINS, when I completed a chapter around midnight and everyone was asleep, I poured myself a glass of wine, put my glass in the air as a cheers to myself or I took a nice bubble bath with a candle and soft music. Again, it is me taking time to reward myself for my hard work. If you do not, you will feel like a hamster on a wheel and not find joy or satisfaction in your progress. Protect Your Peace Protecting your peace is extremely vital. There are new reports every second about COVID-19, the presidential election, and police brutality towards Black people. All of this information can take a toll on someone’s emotional and mental state and limit their ability to research and write. Yes, it is important to be aware and support what you believe in but you also need to be just as aware of how much your body can take. You might have to separate yourself from the world for a little in order to protect your peace. When my mother-in-law passed away, I deactivated my social media page. With all the negativity going on and the overwhelming posts from people, it was too much for me to manage while grieving. My social media page continues to be deactivated. Push Through Regardless of How You Feel I understand there are going to be days where you are mentally, emotionally, and/or physically exhausted! Those are not the days you want to push your limits. This is where you need to be in tune with your body and know how much you can handle. But for those days you are a little drained, those are the days you make the choice to push through regardless of how you feel. Hopefully you are working on research that you are passionate about because this is the type of research that will fuel your energy and motivate you to keep going. I learned this as a strategy in 2018 while dealing with anxiety. There were and still are days where my anxiety is so debilitating that I cannot push through to write. Still, on other days, I push through to complete whatever needs to be done. Maybe this method I learned over 2 years ago was God’s way of preparing me for these times. The current state of the world can tug on your emotions, which may require the ultimate

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need to push through, regardless of how you feel. A good way to help yourself push through regardless of how you feel is to “remember your why!” This is a key tip in life when you are working towards a goal, but it is more important during these times, when you feel like all hope is lost, or waning. I ask myself, “Why are you in your PhD program?” “Why are you doing this research?” Being able to answer these questions helps me remember my why and helps continue to push through while reflecting on my experiences. In my life, there is not a singular scripture, song, or poem that helps me push through. Rather, those things, and many others all work in tandem to help me maintain the sense of balance that helps uplift my spirit. I frequently utilized YouTube as my source of self-affirmation as well. I watch videos and listen to songs that remind me of all the things that I am. These acts are one of the many strategies I use to recoup my energy, my purpose and drive to be PhinisheD. Take Notes If you are like me, research becomes part of your lifestyle, meaning that you think about it often. Even when you have a day that you did not have an opportunity to research or write, you still think about it. So, if a phrase or an area you want to add to your research comes in your head out of nowhere, WRITE IT DOWN! Whether you write it on a piece of scratch paper or put it as a note in your phone, write it down when it crosses your mind. Oftentimes, a thought came into my head and if I did not write it down while it was fresh in my mind, I forgot it. When I actually had the chance to write it down it was never phrased quite the same way as my initial thought. Now, I am more intentional about writing my thoughts down as soon as they come to mind, so I do not forget them when I have the opportunity to work on my dissertation proposal. Connect, Share, and Recognize the Value of People As I previously mentioned in “recognizing your crew,” it is important to realize the significance people have on your journey, and that this is something you cannot accomplish on your own. Your peers can serve as a reliable source to obtain resources you want to use for your research. For example, considering that campus is still mostly shut down, it is challenging to find books and other texts to use for my dissertation proposal. I occasionally reach out to my peers to see if they have the text I am considering using in my proposal. Peer relationships are important and beneficial, because sometimes the only ones who understand how you feel at a particular time

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or during a certain stage in your program, are those who are going through the process with you and working towards the same goal. As I stated, peer relationships are extremely important and necessary but the people in your crew do not have to be in a PhD program to provide you with a level of support. In recognizing your crew, it is all about realizing who is in your corner and that may include individuals that are not in a PhD program but support you along your journey and individuals you can talk to about your research successes. Hopefully you are experiencing times when you come across research that excites you, research that you want to share with others. With the negativity going on in the world, make sure you welcome all positive vibes. Share with those who respond in a way that makes you happy and motivates you to keep pushing. In addition to sharing your successes with others, it is also important to recognize the moments that fuel you in ways you may not have expected. For example, during my daughter’s hair appointment, I took my laptop with me in hopes to make some progress on my dissertation proposal while the stylist braided her hair. Well, I did not accomplish much work because I ended up engrossed in a healthy debate with the stylist about Beyoncé’s Black is King (2020). The downside was that I did not progress as much on my dissertation as I hoped but the upside was that I socialized and laughed which was great for my inner self. Those moments too are needed and actually help in the process. Journal Throughout this chapter, I highlighted how essential it is to have people that you can talk to. However, sometimes you do not feel like sharing everything and want to do some self-reflecting. I choose to do that by journaling. I write about my days, whether good or bad, which also includes progression, or stagnation, in regard to my dissertation journey. I write down my authentic feelings and thoughts about my shortcomings, strengths, fears, and dreams. Journaling allows me to reflect on myself and my personal growth as well as my progress in school, work, and in life altogether. Grant Yourself Grace “Grant yourself grace” is a term that was shared with me by two wise women on two separate occasions that I now share with friends and family that might be experiencing challenging times. It is also something that I try to be intentional in doing for myself, which continues to be a work in progress. I cannot tell you how many days I woke up saying to myself, “I am

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going to work on my proposal today,” before something happened to guarantee that even by the time the house was settled again, I was emotionally, mentally, and physically exhausted—too exhausted, to make any progress on my dissertation. Sometimes that phenomenon, that feeling, lasts a day, sometimes it lasts a week. I learned and am still learning to grant myself grace for that feeling, because when a good day comes, I feel even better about accomplishing my writing goal for that day, or for reading something pertinent to my research. I feel excited about being able to push through. Despite the negative things we see going on in the world today, it is important to keep your eye on the end goal. Some of us experienced and are still experiencing some personal trials and heartaches in addition to the global events surrounding us. However, challenge can also bring about opportunity. As you continue to work towards your goal, remember to utilize the tools around you to seize that opportunity. Recognize your crew, utilize your free time, track your WINS, protect your peace, push through regardless of how you feel, connect, share, and grant yourself grace. REFERENCE Beyoncé. (Director). (2020). Black is King [Film]. Parkwood Entertainment & Walt Disney Studios.

CHAPTER 8

BENT TO THE BRINK Mothering, Healing, and Dissertating During the Pandemic Whitneé Garrett-Walker University of San Francisco

As a public school educator, I worked in a large urban school district in Northern California for 8 years as a teacher, instructional coach, and an assistant principal. For the last 3 years, I’ve worked in a toxic workplace that stripped me of my voice and replaced my voice with doubt and fear. As a Black queer woman, this replacement gift is one that is known all too well (Alston, 2005, 2012; Bass, 2012; Bloom & Erlandson, 2003; Dillard, 2000; Hill-Collins, 2000; hooks, 2015a). I started this narrative well before we were made aware of COVID-19. However, my year long journey of selftransformation as a Black, queer, school administrator, doctoral candidate, and pregnant woman, has also been shaped by this global pandemic. I feel blessed to be able to share my story with you in the form of writing because it not only keeps me focused, but it keeps me grounded in what matters. Often, Black women do not share what breaks them, for fear that our stories will be merely glanced over and not held close (hooks, 2015a). I share

Dissertating During a Pandemic, pages 69–76 Copyright © 2022 by Information Age Publishing All rights of reproduction in any form reserved.

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my story to guide other Black women to the healing waters of self-discovery, self-love, self-compassion, and grace—to ensure that she learns to truly live and learn, to let go of toxic spaces and people—regardless of the cost. THE INCIDENT September 24, 2019 started off just like a regular workday, except that I was almost 21 weeks pregnant. I woke up, I took a picture of my growing baby bump in the mirror with a smile. It was around this time that I also started to get used to the idea of a growing belly. Centered and grounded in a space of gratefulness, I started my day. We were in the 6th week of school and by this time, we had more than 15 student fights since the start of school. On this day, we had three non-students walk freely onto our campus to physically attack one of our students. It quickly became mayhem during lunch, as a swarm of more than 200 students formed a circle around the young Black women as they postured to fight. Staff and other administrators tried to break up this fight and separate the students, with little success. Given that I was pregnant, I watched from my office window, with guilt looming over me due to my inability to physically support my team. As I looked on, I saw one of my academy students being shoved into a random room outside of the main office, to keep her from fighting. I pleaded with the mother to take her children home. The mother, a Black woman, reasoned with me for a short while, but unfortunately let go of reason and allowed her children to run toward the girls who were being apprehended. As I walked after her children, to try and get to them before they got to the non-students, I knew that I needed to protect myself. I knew that I needed to protect my baby. I also knew that this student was my baby. This student was my responsibility. This mother was my responsibility. I had a duty to protect them all, right? As everyone, mother, sister, student, staff, and I try to keep the mother and student off of the non-students, I feel a push in my stomach, and I feel myself falling to the ground. I thought that I hit the ground, but apparently someone caught me right before I hit the ground. I didn’t know who caught me. I couldn’t breathe. I just couldn’t breathe. As anxiety and panic set in, I’m screaming for someone to, “Check on my baby, call my wife, tell my wife to come get me. She’s at home. Just call my wife, tell her to come get me.” My wife arrives in what seems like 5 minutes. We drove directly to the emergency room near our home. This day was also the day of our 20week ultrasound, where doctors are able to detect fetal abnormalities. The hospital gave me an ER band, told me to go to my 20-week ultrasound appointment, and then come back to the ER. I remember talking throughout the appointment, trying to keep myself awake, sane, and present. It was

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almost as if I disassociated from what had just happened to me. Luckily, my baby was perfect (and still is). The scans showed my baby was dancing in my womb, with a perfect heart rate. After the scan, I was admitted directly into the ER. Three days later, my grandfather died. I was pregnant, angry, fearful, grieving, and broken. COURAGE TO SAY, “I NEED HELP” It took a month before I told my dissertation chair about everything that happened to me. I felt shame, like I had failed. I tried to keep it all together, like I always have, but she saw right through me. She held space for me and also held me accountable for my healing. She said, “Whitneé what happened to you is supposed to rock you. You were physically assaulted by an irate parent while pregnant and your father figure died. Not only did you experience trauma, but you’re also grieving. It’s okay to be broken. It’s okay to let go of everything and heal. Just write. You have to get it out. When you’re ready, I want you to take this incident apart and see it from various perspectives, so you can release it.” I was angry with her because she wasn’t as gentle as I wanted, or even needed her to be. She was honest with me and I think she knew that her tough love would guide me to heal and it did— eventually. As time went on, I began to notice that I was sad all the time, had little-to-no appetite, and I was in constant physical pain and she wanted me to write (ha!). I would wake up with every intention to write. I would listen to inspirational music, get dressed and walk to my home office. Every time I sat at my desk my hands would tremble when I opened my computer or picked up a pen to write a short fleeting thought. I felt like I was in a perpetual state of writing paralysis. I tried writing at the kitchen table, in my baby’s room and even at a coffee shop, but the same thing would happen. It even got to the point where I would cry at the thought of writing my dissertation because I felt so completely overwhelmed. Because of my shame and unwillingness to believe that something was really wrong, I sat with these feelings and experiences for a few weeks. During that time, I’d attended multiple prenatal appointments where my blood pressure was consistently elevated. After many sleepless nights, many anxiety attacks, I finally reached out to my OB and told her I needed help. I’d made the decision that I was not going to allow this school district or even this incident to continue to hold me hostage. I didn’t want to be “just well enough” to keep my baby safe. I also wanted to be well for me. My OB referred me to a psychiatrist, and he took me off work immediately. He diagnosed me with PTSD, and I was floored. I’d never had any mental health concerns, until now. If I was in a funk, I was always able to pull myself out of it through dance, working out,

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writing, or even being in nature. But I couldn’t shake this. The prayers of my mother and grandmothers weren’t enough. I needed professional help. I began therapy in October 2019. At this point, I was 6 months pregnant and attending group therapy multiple times a week with people I’d never met before. These people came from all walks of life to heal together. I was able to sit in a non-judgmental setting and share my thoughts. We would begin as a whole group and then be split into smaller groups where our sharing could be more personal. I learned self-compassion and the value of peace. I can’t say I’ve been given many formal opportunities to share my thoughts and true feelings without fear of recourse or shame. These sessions helped me move stagnant energy from my body and my spirit. Experiencing my feelings about being assaulted while pregnant left me incredibly raw and filled with anxiety. For months, I couldn’t go anywhere alone, even to my favorite stores because I was afraid. It took months to move from shame to self-compassion, and the real work began when I stopped blaming myself for what happened to me. MOMENTS OF CLARITY: COVID-19, POSTPARTUM, AND DISSERTATING During a moment of clarity, I began to map out the things in my life that felt undone and first on my list was my dissertation. I thought about how close to my heart my research was, along with the necessity to finish this journey. Throughout the last 4 years of earning my doctorate degree, I thought I wasn’t moving fast enough, or pushing out enough publications, when in reality, I was right where I needed to be. I became less rigid in my timeline and began to also view my research topic with fresh eyes (Goings & Tomlin, 2020). It was during this time that I fell in love with Black Feminist Thought (Hill-Collins, 2000; hooks, 1984; hooks, 2015a, 2015b), Critical Race Theory in Education (Tate, 1997; Ladson-Billings, 1998), and Critical Race Methodology (Solórzano & Yosso, 2002). I actively used these theoretical frameworks to deconstruct and make sense of my experiences at work and in the world of public education. I started to view being pregnant and healing from a traumatic event, while conducting interviews for my dissertation, as a blessing in disguise. My dissertation explores the experiences of Black women school leaders in a large urban school district in Northern California. My study is unique because it delves into the experiences of these women from two vantage points—retired and current school leaders. I decided to create these subgroups because I was curious about how this school district’s treatment of its Black women school leaders has changed (or not), over time. My research also utilizes a concept I’ve coined, “ideological lynching,” which

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in the context of my research describes how Black women school leaders persist in their quest of service to youth while fighting against racism, sexism, and other forms of systemic oppression, in addition to trying to keep their mind, body, and spirit balanced and strong. Ideological lynching explains the phenomenon that Black people experience when they receive racist and other oppressive messages (digitally and in-person) that their life, their work, their contributions do not matter (Garrett-Walker, 2020). These messages have the capacity to force us to rethink who we are and believe these messages, therefore directly impacting how we navigate our relationships, work, and the world. We have a choice to either believe what we’re being told about ourselves or subvert this ideological lynching process by continuing to show up authentically to challenge these messages. In my dissertation, I explore the ways in which Black women school leaders subvert ideological lynching, as well as how they center joy and healing. When arriving to this topic, I knew that I wanted to learn more about how Black women heal and experience joy in their work as educational leaders instead of focusing on their pain. Tuck and Yang (2014) remind us of the harm that damage centered research does by researching a historically marginalized group and only sharing what is going wrong for them. These authors challenge researchers to focus on the elements that provide space for a counter-narrative to be told, that completely disrupts the hegemonic order of how Black, Indigenous, and people of color experience the world. Because I am a Black woman, practitioner, and researcher, I am committed to sharing a full picture of myself and my participants. As COVID-19 continued to be discussed as a “non-threatening” mythical force in the United States at the beginning of 2020, I was in the throes of trying to code and analyze as much data as possible before the arrival of my baby! I had my beautiful baby in February 2020, and I thanked my body and my spirit for bringing my baby earth side. During this time, I took a brief pause from writing to ease into motherhood, and to reflect on my work. This intense reflection caused me to rethink my approach to my research because I finally understood what my participants who were mothers (seven of nine participants) meant when they described the job, “not being everything to them.” This was a necessary revelation because once my baby was born, I thought life would go on as it had before, but just as we were coming out of our personal 40 days of postpartum quarantine, the whole world changed—COVID-19 completely upended our lives. As a new mother, I thought I’d get to visit with family, enjoy time with my close friends while learning more about motherhood and meet with my Black women’s writing group. This didn’t happen for me. I felt isolated, sad, and even further away from my old self. I was not able to see my friends and family, for fear of contracting the virus. As a doctoral candidate, I felt like my studies wouldn’t get the time it needed because I was internalizing all the

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things happening around me—racial uprisings, the spread of COVID-19, and the 2020 election. In March 2020, when California began sheltering-in-place, here I was with a newborn trying to figure out how to be a mother, a wife, a doctoral candidate and also look for a new job. This was probably the most stressful time of my life. I remember leaving my baby at 2:00 a.m. to come to my home office to analyze my data and begin writing. I was so completely exhausted and while I tried hard to make it work, it wasn’t working. I was missing deadlines and when I’d read my work, it seemed like a complete stranger had written it. I felt so disconnected from my dissertation flow. I missed my weekly in-person writing group and in-person meetings with my dissertation chair. I missed my old graduate student habits, deeply—waking up early on a Saturday morning, grabbing coffee and breakfast before going to class. Now I was alone, and my loneliness changed me. It changed the way I prioritized my graduate studies and how I analyzed my data. The way I experienced the onset of COVID-19 shifted my entire perspective of research. It shifted who I thought I was as a researcher and also who I wanted to be. I no longer had the motivation to finish and I was so close. Here I was, this doctoral candidate with dreams and aspirations, who experienced a life altering event in the midst of collecting data for my dissertation, as well as global unrest. Honestly, I’d be concerned if I was not unscathed. Aside from the challenges of COVID-19, it did present a couple of noteworthy opportunities for me. Unlike many of my colleagues, I counted myself lucky to have been able to collect my data in person, rather than a virtual method. When delving deep into data analysis, I was able to replay each interview session, read my field notes and remember how I felt while listening to their stories. This gift allowed me to further understand the context that each participant spoke to and allowed for much deeper analysis and connection. COVID-19 also helped further situate my ability to create and maintain important boundaries to protect my energy and be open to viewing educational equity from new perspectives. For example, as a school leader a global health pandemic has been immensely stressful, but also created opportunities for me to be unapologetic in my pursuit of equity through interrupting harmful, racist, and deficit-based language of teachers and staff, in ways that I never felt empowered to. This empowerment directly impacted my research because I now see my experiences as a Black woman school leader as valid and worthy of being included in my dissertation. The boundaries and space I created for myself, my new personification of empowerment, along with a regular writing rhythm during COVID-19. So here I stand, on October 12, 2020, looking forward and wondering what’s next. My grandmother told me recently, “Whitneé Louise, you’ve found your voice,” and I think she’s right. Instead of wallowing and

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internalizing every negative event that takes place, I’ve decided to use the tools in my healing toolbox to process my emotions. I’m not going to stay silent. In therapy, I learned my most important tool—I learned how to accept the waves of emotion as they come, with grace, not fear. My mental health and ability to remain whole should never be traded for anything because peace is far too precious. In regard to my dissertation, I have learned the power of sacred writing time and completely disrupting the need to feel “productive” with my time. I have created Post-it notes that say things like, “Have you taken 20 minutes to write or strategize today? It’s okay to rest. You’re most thoughtful in your writing when YOU feel ready to write.” I have also committed to taking more walks in my neighborhood with my baby when I feel anxious and overwhelmed in the writing process. I have embraced brainstorming, organization, and strategizing as “work,” instead of pages complete. These simple shifts of thinking and being have caused me to be more aware of tension in my body and spirit and release it. Living through global upheaval is not about production, it’s about remaining whole and able to externalize all that keeps coming our way. When we internalize, we feel the weight of the world in a way that can sometimes feel unfathomable. For this reason, I offer these tips for fellow doctoral candidates who are dissertating during the pandemic: 1. Place positive affirmations around your home to help motivate you. 2. You are not alone, take the time to find your virtual writing crew. 3. Brainstorm, organization and strategize. a. The above all count as “work” and will help. b. For example, drafting a skeleton of a chapter is more than half the battle! 4. Speaking your thoughts to yourself via dictation (and later transcribing), is writing. These tips have gotten me through the last 10 months and despite the desire to hold onto the things I’ve missed, I am so grateful for what this pandemic has given me. I have spent 9 months at home with my wife and child, deepened relationships with my closest friends and family and finally, I have learned that healing is not meant to be linear. Being a wife, mother, Black woman school leader, and doctoral candidate during the pandemic has taught me how not to live to work, and to hold gratitude in all that I do.

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REFERENCES Alston, J. A. (2005). Tempered radicals and servant leaders: Black females persevering in the superintendency. Educational Administration Quarterly, 41(4), 675−688. Alston, J. A. (2012). Standing on the promises: A new generation of Black women scholars in educational leadership and beyond. International Journal of Qualitative Studies in Education, 25(1), 127–129. Bass, L. (2012). When care trumps justice: The operationalization of Black feminist caring in educational leadership. International Journal of Qualitative Studies in Education, 25(1), 73–87. Bloom, C. M., & Erlandson, D. A. (2003). African American women principals in urban schools: Realities, (Re)constructions, and resolutions. Educational Administration Quarterly, 39(3), 339–369. Dillard, C. B. (2000). The substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen: Examining an endarkened feminist epistemology in culturally engaged research. International Journal of Qualitative Studies in Education, 13, 661–681. Garrett-Walker, W. (2020, October 15). If you believe Black lives matter, please stop posting images of Black death. Huff Post Personal. https://www.huffpost.com/section/ huffpost-personal Goings, R., & Tomlin, A. (2020, September, 14). Dissertating during COVID: Tips for doctoral students and faculty. Interfolio. https://www.interfolio.com/resources/ blog/tips-for-doctoral-students-during-covid/ Hill-Collins, P. (2000). Black feminist thought: Knowledge, consciousness, and politics of empowerment. Routledge. hooks, b. (1984). Feminist theory: From margin to center. South End Press Classics. hooks, b. (2015a). Ain’t i a woman: Black women and feminism. Routledge. hooks, b. (2015b). Sisters of the yam: Black women and self-recovery. Routledge. Ladson-Billings, G. (1998). Just what is critical race theory and what’s it doing in a nice field like education? International Journal of Qualitative Studies in Education, 11(1), 7–24. https://doi.org/10.1080/095183998236863 Solórzano, D. G., & Yosso, T. J. (2002). Critical race methodology: Counter-storytelling as an analytical framework for education research. Qualitative Inquiry, 8(1), 23–44. https://doi.org/10.1177/107780040200800103 Tate, W. F. (1997). Critical race theory and education: History, theory and implications. In M. Apple (Ed.), Review of Research in Education (pp. 195–250). American Educational Research Association. Tuck, E., & Yang, K. W. (2014) Unbecoming claims: Pedagogies of refusal in qualitative research. Qualitative Inquiry, 20(6), 811–818.

CHAPTER 9

HOW TO REDEFINE AND RE-IMAGINE SUCCESS DURING YOUR DISSERTATION PROCESS Nadika Paranamana University of Hartford

Completing a dissertation could be one of the most intimidating processes faced by doctoral candidates during their academic journey. In the guise of an academic milestone, dissertations are notorious for taking us on an emotional journey that is often not too pleasant to navigate. If you feel similarly about your dissertation process, please know that you are not alone in feeling this way. In this chapter, I will share my perspectives as a person of color, and how I managed to re-imagine and redefine success during the pandemic while managing a coinciding health emergency that brought unprecedented changes in my life. While I want to acknowledge that each individual’s experiences and circumstances are unique, I hope that the experiences I share could offer some inspiration to overcome the challenges you face. My

Dissertating During a Pandemic, pages 77–84 Copyright © 2022 by Information Age Publishing All rights of reproduction in any form reserved.

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purpose would be served if this chapter helps to ignite a creative passion that leads to success in your dissertation process. IN THE BODY OF A STUDENT OF COLOR Before we dive into the dissertation process, let’s take a step back and observe ourselves objectively as players in this current society. This is important to do to keep our struggles in perspective which will eventually translate into cultivating patience, self-compassion, and self-acceptance during the dissertation process. From a systems perspective, people of color in the United States live in a society that was designed by White people for White people. While the ethnic and racial demographics have changed rapidly and steadily for decades, systemic changes have not followed suit to adequately address demands of individuals from diverse backgrounds. Even in the limited attempts that have been made to integrate cultural awareness, sensitivity, diversity, equity, and inclusion, you may have observed how a White majority has dominated the industry, sometimes even by posing as people of color. Take a moment to reflect how this fundamental systemic issue affects you on a daily basis, as a graduate student. There may be layers of this issue or associated emotions that you may have not acknowledged or do not want to acknowledge for a variety of reasons. However, such reflections are important so as to avoid misattributing systemic barriers as individual failures. If society at large is too much to reflect on, let’s reflect on our academic programs. Each doctoral program presents unique challenges. While these programs strive to follow standard procedures that are deemed fair by all, often they fail to acknowledge and/or leave room for unique challenges and systemic barriers that students of color face. Most academic programs leave no room or flexibility to understand personal hurdles. They do not account for why you are unable to simply focus on studies and how your time and attention is demanded by the environment you live in. When our academic institutions are not adequately represented by faculty of color, then the chances you have at being organically understood and supported in your academic journey is less. This makes it an extremely challenging environment for students of color to strive, merely by design. If your program underrepresents students of color, your chances at building community and feeling included diminishes. As a student of color, you may have a plethora of lived experiences and circumstances that are unlike anything experienced or understood by counterparts who identify as White. You may come from a collectivist background and live in a society that is predominantly geared towards fulfilling individualistic needs. It is a daily struggle that nobody talks about. To live within a system that

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doesn’t understand why you are so heavily involved in helping your family, your uncles, aunties, cousins, your neighbors, or that stranger you met this morning, then becomes a conflict between your inner and outer worlds. Your inner world is based on cultural values and demands from your background while the society you live in may have a different set of standards. This could shape your life into a persistent state of cognitive dissonance. It could also become a very lonely experience, especially during a pandemic as experienced in 2020. According to the president of American Psychological Association (APA, 2020), “We are living in a racism pandemic” (para. 5) as well. In addition to academic demands, when demands of social justice weigh upon your shoulders and injustices and oppressions you witness around you are all too familiar, it is rather natural to feel disoriented. If any of the incidents from the recent past had you fall behind in working on your dissertation; I want to say, “It is okay.” We are allowed to grieve; we are allowed to take a step back and process what is going on around us. It is okay to watch life unfold. It is okay to prioritize advocacy over your personal goals if that is what your heart wants to follow. It is okay to hit the brakes. It is okay to take time to reorient, restrategize, and re-think. What is not okay to do is to internalize blame, internalize shame, and internalize not feeling adequate. What is not okay to do is to give up or think that you have nothing to offer to the field or to others. You may live in a society that tells you otherwise, in so many different ways every single day. The truth is that someone out there who is feeling similarly to you, or someone who has experienced similar setbacks as you, or someone who does not have the same privileges as you do as a graduate student is relying on you to speak up and show up through your dissertation. THE DISSERTATION JOURNEY My dissertation has been nowhere close to a walk in the park. I’ve heard people ask me too many times when I’m going to finish and if I’ve considered changing the topic. While many of these comments have come from supportive people with genuine intentions, I came to realize that they could also affect my drive and level of confidence. I learned not to allow room or space to have others introduce doubts or regrets that I don’t necessarily harbor. This meant identifying with who to share about my dissertation, and who to confide in about my struggles. I’m currently a fifth-year doctoral candidate in clinical psychology. My dissertation is focused on understanding the affectivity of persons who have received a diagnosis within the schizophrenia spectrum disorders (SSD).

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The premise of my study challenges how the current clinical model conceptualizes affectivity in SSD through a lens of affect and emotions as they are felt, experienced, and understood by non-SSD populations. Not only has this approach pathologized experiences of SSD but it has also failed to find successful treatment approaches which has prolonged suffering and has exacerbated stigma on those who suffer. In order to understand the affective world of SSD through a fresh lens, I’m using qualitative inquiry through phenomenological research. Phenomenological research excites me as it allows investigators to understand the essence of the phenomena that is being investigated. The practical struggle for me in this choice as a graduate student is that I have chosen to walk down a path that I was not formally trained in. In my doctoral program, there were no qualitative inquiry or phenomenology classes offered. I had to seek out external training opportunities, research experiences, and mentorships to set on this journey. While I’m so grateful for my academic supporters and mentors who have encouraged me to follow my passion, I have often succumbed to the common symptoms of importer syndrome: Am I good enough? Do I have what it takes to make it work? Could I succeed on a dissertation based off phenomenology when I haven’t taken a single class on it? All this questioning meant that I took a long time to introspect and also teach myself a field of psychological research outside the scope of my graduate training. I’ve spent hours and hours buried deep in literature trying to understand Husserl, Jaspers, Giorgi, Sass, Parnas, Ratcliffe, Stanghallini, and Davidson to help progress through my work. I have also listened to people say, “The best dissertation is a done dissertation; don’t you want to work on something simpler?” This meant that I had plenty of pressure, and opportunities to absorb self-doubt along the way. In March 2020, while COVID-19 pandemic was taking over the world, throwing life as we knew it into immediate disarray, I had a physical injury which needed two corrective surgeries with a predicted recovery time of 8–12 months. As a result, I was no longer physically independent enough to live on my own. As an immigrant, the level of social support available for me during this time was extremely limited. In addition, I didn’t feel I was able to ask for help from others during a pandemic where everyone was taking precautions to quarantine and safeguard themselves and their families. Eventually, I had to move across the country, from the East Coast to the West, to receive help for my recovery. I had to end my clinical rotation due to medical reasons and felt helpless about the clients I was leaving behind abruptly. There was guilt, maybe even shame for not being able to carry out my duties, as I had agreed. Life as I knew it had totally changed for me within a span of days.

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Soon after surgery, I remember not being able to move an inch without support. Though my mobility improved slowly, the emotional toll of having to depend on others on a daily basis, consumed me fully. I felt so overwhelmed by the dissertation deadlines that were approaching. My school’s policies are such that if I don’t meet certain deadlines, I will not be allowed to apply for an internship which will prolong my academic journey for 2 full years before I could start an internship. Regardless of these repercussions, I felt stuck and unable to forge ahead. Then I watched the video for the entirety of 7 minutes and 46 seconds where George Floyd was inhumanely and brutally murdered by law enforcement officers in broad daylight. Then came the protests and stories of countless other deaths including Breonna Taylor, whose fate revealed to me a part of the United States that I have not quite witnessed before. I felt completely numb. To say that I didn’t experience existential crises during this time would be a huge understatement. And I fell behind while my dissertating phase derailed from the tracks. CREATE A SPACE TO REALIGN When I felt weighted down by the state of the world around me, I took a step back to create space for myself where I could reflect and re-energize. This meant having to search within for answers. It also looked like taking a break from news, not responding to e-mails that don’t require immediate attention, telling my academic advisors and dissertation committee that I will be taking a break for a few days, and informing my loved ones of my plan to disengage to recalibrate. I also drew personal and professional boundaries. That looked like deciding what I will and will not tolerate, what I will advocate for, and deciding what time of the day I would dedicate for which tasks. Living through a pandemic in quarantine meant deciding which areas of the living space could be used for which purposes. This meant making agreements with other members who shared this space on how to effectively use the space. It meant having to decide a day ahead, from where inside the living space, I would be working on my dissertation or attending a webinar. It meant listening to calming music to stay focused while other activities happened in the living space around me. I took many measures like this just to ensure that I create a peaceful space for myself, within the limited resources I had. Thereafter, I realized it is important to become gentle and kind to myself. I listed all the demands, barriers, and expectations that I faced as a student of color and offered myself permission to feel the things I felt about all the changes I have faced. I also acknowledged the systemic barriers and disadvantages that I faced as a person of color. I spent time acknowledging the life circumstances and positionalities I experienced, in comparison to

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my colleagues who were able to get through the dissertation process faster than I did. My old go-to strategy in similar situations would have been to just move on to achieve the next task. But this time it was different. That strategy could no longer survive within my conscientiousness. So I needed to re-center. In order to re-center, I needed to take self-care seriously! As doctoral candidates, we are programmed to work tirelessly where selfcare is often a concept and is not the reality. I came to understand that the more I integrated self-care into my routine, the better success and productivity I had! While self-care could look like many things to individuals based on their preferences, for me it looked like: using painting as a medium to express my emotions, taking up gardening as a hobby and learning how to care for plants, finding communities of color where I could safely express myself, reconnecting with friends and family who bring me joy, and practicing loving-kindness, understanding, and empathy for self, especially during the times that I was hard on myself. REDEFINE AND REIMAGINE SUCCESS Life is full of unexpected twists and turns, therefore I have come to recognize flexibility and the ability to redefine and reimagine success as tools that are helpful to stay on track. However, flexibility alone could not help. I needed grit and for that, I needed to find community. In this process, I reached out to mentors to share my experiences and disappointments. I allowed them to help me gain perspective and courage. Asking for help doesn’t come easy to me so I had to be intentional about this step. With every conversation I have had, I heard them say, “We need you at this side of the table; you need to finish that dissertation and graduate!” To say the least, I found it empowering to hear those words coming from senior psychologists. I also identified a psychologist that I respect, but not academically affiliated with, to serve as my accountability partner. We decided on a day of the week where I would send an email with the progress I’ve made on my dissertation. Next, I listed out my priorities and everything that helps me feel alive. With this list, I was able to recognize what professional and personal efforts I will continue to pursue and what efforts I will pause. I decided to continue to attend didactics and trainings online, volunteer remotely, do advocacy and of course, work on my dissertation. Once I decided where I wanted to direct my energy, I was automatically creating a new schedule which allowed me to redefine and re-imagine my efforts to find purpose. Due to COVID-19, a lot of programs were offered online. I decided to make the best out of this situation and attended workshops on qualitative inquiry methods to strengthen my knowledge. At the same time, I started

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thinking ahead to the data collection phase of my study which has now been compromised by COVID-19. I can no longer collect data in person. So, I signed up for a 6-weeks online training on facilitating dialogue which would help me learn how to do interviews online. I also tried to stay up to date with colleagues in the field via listservs to find out how they are overcoming challenges with their studies. In addition, I attended online dissertation defenses of my friends. When I joined these sessions, I volunteered to do administrator responsibilities on zoom such as managing attendees, keeping track of the clock, troubleshooting technical issues, prompting the presenter as needed, and so on. These experiences not only allowed me to show up for my friends, but also helped me understand practical challenges that may come with defending a dissertation online. Furthermore, attending online dissertation defenses eased my worries about the process. During these dissertation defenses, I saw how faculty responded, what kind of questions they asked, and how my friends responded. For me, this was a great opportunity at experiential learning. Moreover, I attended professional webinars offered by APA on themes related to staying on track during a pandemic where topics such as preparing to defend your thesis from home, managing grants and research during COVID-19, and budgeting/repaying student loans during a pandemic were discussed. You could access recordings of these webinars, free of charge by visiting: http://pages.apa.org/staying-on-track/ Despite all this robust planning and strategizing, when it came to actually sitting down to write the dissertation, I struggled on a daily basis. I was often overwhelmed even to look at my dissertation outline. I soon realized that having the finalè in mind stressed me out. I learned to focus only on the immediate goal that I needed to get done. This meant, focusing on just one section of one chapter. During this process, I became intimately acquainted with my own process as a writer. I recognized a tendency to spend hours perfecting my writing which did not serve me in the long run. As a result, I needed to remind myself that I am supported by a committee in this dissertation process and that they will provide feedback on edits, as needed. So my job is to keep writing first; perfecting could come second. This is where affirmations like “my dissertation does not have to change the world in an instant, it could be just one step towards the right direction” and “I have an entire career ahead of me to perfect this domain knowledge after I graduate” came in handy to keep me grounded in the reality that “a done dissertation is the best dissertation.” Oftentimes, I couldn’t get myself to start writing despite allocating time for it in my schedule. There is always a distraction at home or on social media. Without pressuring myself to stop the distractions, I converted my habits into a productive distraction by joining academic groups on social media to find like-minded people. I have found strength in these communities

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because they validated my experiences and struggles. Some groups offered humor, practical supports like tips on APA 7th edition writing style, and mentorship/advice. Through one of the groups, I found a silent writing retreat dedicated for academic women and non-binary persons of color. This space was incredibly supportive and affirming; I felt motivated to work. If you have enjoyed working at coffee shops or at libraries, pre-COVID-19; I highly recommend finding an online silent writing retreat to simulate the experience. If you can’t find a retreat, perhaps you could host one! Through these experiences, I realized that community doesn’t necessarily have to be comprised of people you already know. We live in an era where bringing people together is easily done through technology. Your tribe is out there. You just have to search! And as per your dissertation, it is still a blank canvas even during COVID-19. With introspection, creativity, and gentleness you will know how to shape-shift and turn it into an end product. REFERENCE American Psychological Association. (2020, May 29). “We are living in a racism pandemic,” Says APA president. https://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/2020/05/ racism-pandemic

SECTION III PARENTING AND MANAGING

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CHAPTER 10

MANAGING INTERSECTING IDENTITIES WHILE DISSERTATING IN PLACE Michelle C. Sermon University of Maryland Baltimore

My journey toward earning a PhD is the culmination of years of academic preparation and practical experience with many detours and redirections along the way. Attending college and becoming a successful professional was never a question for me; it was my destiny. However, I could not imagine a career path that I could be so passionate about that I would pursue doctoral studies until I became a social worker in the Black community, serving the most vulnerable and marginalized communities one could imagine. As a proud Black woman from the rural south, it is my intent to empower those communities with my research. Using sound, Black and rural centered, healing focused research, my research goal is to disempower the construct of race and racialized systems and build healing strategies as justice. My dissertation tentatively titled, “Centering Black Lives: Exploring Oral Histories of Legacy African American Women in the Black Belt to Heal the Wounds of Racialization as Justice,” critically centers the racialized experiences of rural

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southern legacy African American women, with an ancestral legacy of enslavement in the Black Belt, to explore their oral histories (Jackson, Jackson, & Jackson, 2018). This work seeks to better understand the relationship between gendered racialization in the Black Belt as an adverse life experience that is potentially traumatic and the resultant stress that influences poor social, health, educational, and economic outcomes. This study has proven to be essential during the coronavirus pandemic. The racialization of systems and institutions has emerged as a significant factor in the treatment of Black people globally, as they are disproportionately impacted: dying at higher rates regardless of socioeconomics, education, or professions; less likely to elect to be immunized due to a history of mistrust in racialized, oppressive systems and institutions; and experiencing a greater economic burden and educational vulnerability due to job loss and school closures. From my vantage point, the global fallout from the pandemic has elevated the adverse conditions of systemic and institutional racialization, adding a layer of universal credibility to my work. However, it leaves to question, with all the previous interdisciplinary scholarship and funding to address the relationship between race and disparities, why has research not solved the problem? This revelation prompted me to recall my not so straight path to doctoral studies. Unconsciously, I have been preparing for a career in critical research with racially marginalized communities since my years as an undergraduate biology major. During a summer experience designed to introduce students of color to doctoral studies, I realized the value of representation in the academy and critically reflective research that intentionally centers racialized communities. After earning a Master of Science in human genetics and working closely, for many years, alongside an amazing professional mentor in public health who was a social worker, I grew to appreciate the justice oriented, interdisciplinary, holistic aptitude of the social work profession. Upon completion of my Master of Social Work, I had amassed an impressive set of knowledge, skills, and abilities by working with extremely marginalized individuals with severe mental illness (SMI) and chronic, life disrupting substance misuse in predominantly Black communities. As I began my career as a new social worker, I was privileged to continue working in marginalized Black communities, supporting their re-entry into the community from incarceration and while they were incarcerated. What became clear early in this stage of my career was that the populations of SMI, substance misusers, and those involved with the criminal justice system, were essentially the same population with the commonality of racialization. As my career evolved from an emphasis on service, to a justicefocused, advocacy orientation, I learned that contemporary intervention research did not support the reality of the lived experiences of the individuals, families, and communities I served. What emerged was a need to better

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understand the research process in order to create interventions that are targeted and effective for racially marginalized communities, and inclusive of their voices and perspectives. Fueled by a seed, planted by a social work mentor from my MSW program, suggesting that as a Black woman, I have a responsibility to fill the racial and cultural gaps left void in the academy, I began my pursuit of a PhD in social work. THE PANDEMIC DISRUPTION Fast forward, and now I am in my fifth year of doctoral studies preparing to complete my dissertation, as a busy wife and mother of four with the typical demands that accompany those roles. In March 2020, as my fourth year in the doctoral program was underway, the coronavirus pandemic held hostage our realities. The sudden, unexpected closing of schools prompted a sense of loss for my children, who struggled with the demise of planned overnight field trips, music and dance competitions, and the routine of the school day with friends. They demonstrated their distress by rejecting the new normal, engaging in battles within the family for independence, and outright refusals to engage in meaningful conversations about the events of the day. Needless to say, our family struggled with patience, energy, creativity, and disrupted self-care routines, as isolation and sheltering at home from a deadly viral pandemic upended our way of life. In the initial months of the pandemic, I could not focus on my research proposal. With the closing of schools and disruption of my family’s normal routines, it was essential that I shift focus on establishing new norms and supporting my children in the midst of their transitions to attending school and extracurricular activities from home and the subsequent experiences of isolation from friends and peers. Given the abruptness of the COVID-19 disruption, I found myself especially distracted, numb, and seeking ways to cope with the loss of normalcy and safety for my entire family. As mandatory social isolation due to pandemic restrictions evolved, I found myself struggling with isolation as well. My coursework was completed a few years ago, therefore, connections with my cohort were not a regular occurrence. In addition, I had not successfully established a solid writing routine, writing accountability group, or mentorship in my research interests. I found myself on an island with no boat in sight. In my frustration and isolation, I initiated the formation of a virtual village of socially supportive family and friends. The group initially started as a way for my circle of support to connect around the children and young people in our lives experiencing the hardships of pandemic isolation. We soon realized that we needed adult outlets of support. We decided to connect weekly through virtual phone calls to share our joys and triumphs as well as our

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tragedies and struggles during the pandemic. As our group evolved, we created a group chat for daily connection and now meet virtually as time permits. Our virtual village became especially valuable and supportive during the events following the police-involved death of George Floyd and other unarmed Black people over the summer. As the young adults in our lives became involved in the resulting protests across the country, the support of the village provided an outlet to express our pride, concerns, and fears in a safe, non-judgmental community. ISOLATION AND REFOCUSING In January 2020, before the pandemic shutdown, I had resolved to defend my research proposal by the end of the spring semester to commence data collection in the summer and/or fall semesters to defend my dissertation during Fall 2021 semester. My dissertation chair and committee had been selected during the Fall 2019 semester and then the buzz about COVID-19 began to sweep the local, national, and global landscape in February 2020. The abrupt pause that COVID-19 brought to my life was an unexpected gift of time, that afforded me the advantage of extensive critical reflection on my research topic. As life began to settle down and schools began to close for the summer, I began the process of methodically detailing a research design reflective of my research goals and purpose. As COVID-19 restrictions began to relax across the country in the late Summer–early Fall 2020, I realized the inevitability of resuming work on my proposal with intentionality. The virtual village served as a model and constant reminder of the importance of connecting and engaging with supportive research and writing communities. As time passed, it became clear that I needed to focus on creating a supportive village in the academy in order to successfully produce this great work. In preparing to complete Chapter 2 of my dissertation research proposal, I reached out to various members of my research community for support, including members of my dissertation committee. My engagement with these scholars introduced me to a new appreciation for my proposed work, helped me narrow my research focus, strengthen my research approach, and empowered me to own my work and my process. I engaged with scholars who encouraged me to be courageous in my journey by challenging me to step out of my comfort zone and take chances with ideas and people who may or may not be willing or capable of supporting my efforts. Applying straight talk coupled with directive instructions, members of my research village shared models of success and disappointment in their doctoral journey that gave me confidence, energized my efforts, and sparked my waning creativity.

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My connection with one particular member of my dissertation committee proved most advantageous. As my newly crowned mentor, she helped me strategize a method to meet my goal of completing Chapters 2 and 3 in two months. She advised me that my goal was very ambitious, but not impossible if I followed the plan she recommended. She suggested that I dedicate, at minimum, two full 8-hour workdays, 16 hours per week, to writing, a truly novel, but innovative idea in my experience. Previous suggestions from my village left me. In addition, she invited me to join her weekly, accountability group to help maintain my engagement with researchers and immerse in the language of the academy. Once implemented, these suggestions enabled me to prioritize my research proposal, establish achievable tasks, create reasonable timelines for completion, and connect with a dependable source of accountability. Following her advice and properly placing distractions and anxieties about post-doctoral concerns aside, I completed both chapters earlier than expected. My chapters are currently under review by my dissertation chair and I am on track to defend my proposed research in Spring 2021. This experience demonstrated the value of critical mentorship in the dissertation process especially during the harrowing times such as the pandemic and civil unrest. Her mentorship was essential to my process as I gained perspective and was enabled to establish a reasonable and achievable trajectory for my research agenda. Establishing a mentoring relationship that encouraged my process and honored my lived experience was an essential aspect of my success during this time. In addition to connecting with supportive committee members, I also took advantage of opportunities to join additional writing accountability groups. Participating in these groups, which I previously avoided, proved to be invaluable to my process. Not only did my participation connect me to the research community, but also reminded me that I am not alone in my work and that my work is valuable and essential. The coronavirus pandemic allowed me the time I needed to reevaluate my research focus and strategy to accomplish my dissertation goals in a timely manner. The inherent hectic nature of my life outside of the pandemic, would not have afforded me such an opportunity. I am grateful. GROUNDED WHILE DISSERTATING VIRTUALLY As human beings, we are naturally social and thrive on human connectedness. Our new normal of virtually connecting is an evolutionary shift that will take us into the future. Therefore, I would like to offer a few suggestions or tips to doctoral students who are writing and defending their dissertations in this new virtual life we have assumed.

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1. Forgive yourself for being human: The desire for human connection is not a bad thing and is necessary when dissertating. Forgive yourself for taking breaks, or taking care of yourself (self-care), or missing a deadline (respectfully, by communicating with your chair), or spending quality time with the people you love and who love you. Connection to others is a necessity that awards us in energy, motivation, and creativity, which is vital to successful completion of our dissertation goals. Stay connected with people who can support you the way you need to be supported. 2. Stay open to the possibilities: Allow new ideas to enter your consciousness. Read unrelated books, consume media that feeds your creativity, and connect with people and professions that challenge your thought processes, values, and perspectives. 3. Live a little: Plan vacations, visit places that nurture your inner self, and indulge, occasionally, on the things that bring you joy. Make a list or vision board that reminds you of these things and just do it. 4. Missed deadlines are not the end of the world: Keep a detailed schedule of your daily activities, but if you miss something, learn to be okay with your humanity and imperfection. Life goes on and tomorrow offers a new opportunity to try again. Communication with your dissertation committee chair is critical and can put you at ease. If your committee chair does not put you at ease, maybe you should get a new committee chair. 5. Just say no: to people, places, and things that do not serve you in your goal of completing your dissertation. Period. 6. Journal and enjoy the ride: I began journaling during the first few weeks of my doctoral studies. There is no right or wrong way to journal. I have about five notebooks and random notes saved in my phone, pasted to my desk, and in journal articles saved on my computer, I revisit these notes occasionally for inspiration when my ideas are exhausted or motivation when I am tired of it all. Be sure to date your notes or journal entries and take time to revisit your former self to see your progression as a doctoral student and as a human being. I AM INSPIRED BY . . .  Everything that touches your life, must be an instrument of your liberation or tossed into the trash cans of history. —Dr. John Henrik Clarke If you start your history with slavery then everything else will look like progress. —Dr. John Henrik Clarke

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Prior to the pandemic isolation and BLM protests, I relied heavily on biblical principles and Scriptures to inspire and motivate my dissertation process. Although I have not abandoned these tools which have guided me my entire life, given the exceptional circumstances of the pandemic and protests, I realized that I needed additional motivation and inspiration from ancestral sources. The above quotes by ancestor Dr. John Henrik Clarke, a son of the rural south, pioneer, and scholar-activist of Pan-African scholarship in the academy, affirms the purpose in my research. His words remind me that my focus on rural southern African American women and racial trauma is essential to true social, emotional, cerebral, and literal liberation of Black people from centuries of exploitation and oppression. In addition to posting these quotes on the wall that I face in my workspace, my writing preparation ritual is posted there as well. Months into isolation, I created my ritual to help me settle my mind, body, and spirit in preparation for researching and writing my dissertation. The ritual employs a combination of different spiritual practices that begin with meditation and intention setting. Dr. Candice Nicole Hargons (2016) created the Black Lives Matter guided meditation to heal racial trauma, which allows me the time I need to address my own healing from racialization, so that I write from a place of acceptance and honor. I then call on my ancestors for strength, courage, and wisdom and honor my spirit animals for confirmation and guidance. I also burn sage and resin incense for cleansing the space and to ward off distractions and energies that do not serve me in this work. The strategies I employ serve to help me remain grounded as I explore very sensitive and triggering research and writing. I strongly encourage anyone reading this text to find your motivation and inspiration through many sources. You may find that your needs will evolve and therefore your sources will need to evolve. Stay open to the possibilities and be honest with yourself. Although there have been many doctoral students who came before you and many who will come after, this journey towards dissertation is unique to one’s lived experiences, aspirations, current events, and purpose. No two experiences are the same. Enjoy the ride and emerge on the other side better than when you entered. REFERENCE Hargons, C. N. (2016, August 1). Black lives matter meditations. www.drcandicenicole .com. Retrieved September 30, 2020, from https://soundcloud.com/ drcandicenicole/black-lives-matter-meditation-for-healing-racial-trauma Jackson, L., Jackson, Z., & Jackson, F. (2018). Intergenerational resilience in response to the stress and trauma of enslavement and chronic exposure to institutionalized racism. Journal of Clinical Epigenetics, 4(03). https://doi.org/ 10.21767/2472-1158.1000100

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CHAPTER 11

DISSERTATING WHILE MOTHERING DURING A PANDEMIC Some Tips for Black and Brown Academic Mamas Nadejda I. Webb Vanderbilt University

When I became pregnant during the third year of my graduate program, I was elated and terrified. Only a few professors within my department were parents, and even fewer graduate students made the choice to become parents. I knew of no Black or Brown women in my department who had made such a choice. As I contemplated my plan of action, the task seemed daunting. To be clear, Black parents hold more student debt than parents or non-parents of any other racial or ethnic group and though there has been a notable increase in the amount of doctorates awarded to Black and Hispanic students, this does not necessarily translate into on-campus resources for Black/Brown graduate-student parents. While the global pandemic

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continues to highlight the impact of colliding responsibilities for parents, for many students like me, this was neither new nor unprecedented. Like most cataclysmic moments within society, the pandemic emphasized preexisting fissures, including limited access to research and mental health resources for distance parent-learners; the precarious work/life balance of those who have familial responsibilities; and the stressors unique to both surviving and thriving in a racialized society as a non-White person with limited discretionary income. While the impact of these realities were reinforced in my life under COVID-19, the strategies which I outline in the coming sections supported me in achieving both survival and dissertation completion, particularly as a full-time parent. I will first contextualize my positionality, in order to clarify the reality in which these strategies were mobilized. I then explain my dissertation and the impact of the pandemic there-in. Thereafter, I detail four strategies I utilized to resettle myself, and move towards completion. CONTEXTUALIZING MY POSITION In the months leading up to labor, I diligently researched the strategies other academic mothers used to survive and thrive. I found myself pouring through messages on Facebook groups and on twitter, (re)visiting parenting blogs and research sites. While I desired effective, “tidy” solutions to establish life balance, parenting and academia were often discussed as a conundrum: How could new parents function effectively as academic producers? I recall specifically reading an article in the Chronicle, wherein the author argued for more spaces at conferences for mothers, or rather, the de-stigmatization of mother academics at conferences. Though the article gave me some faith in my colleagues, the comments left me reeling. From unprofessional to nasty, the critics refused a compassionate posture regarding their parent-colleagues, and instead protected their own sense of appropriateness by dismissing these needs. Other message boards reflected the same idea: Childcare was the fundamental tool enabling work and the space to think. I often read these blogs and thought about the parents who were not mentioned: graduate students who perhaps couldn’t afford childcare, others who didn’t have access to a support system who could provide childcare, or yet, others like me, who had resolved the financial burden of daycare costs with loans but couldn’t access childcare because their cities were overwhelmed with childcare needs and their campus care centers had extensive waitlists. Were these parents supposed to just relinquish their primary means of financial support? Do women cease to be thinkers and writers when they become mothers? While I was able to reference mentors with children, a marked

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shift in the academy, wherein hyper-professionalization (in response to the poor job market) necessitates a near obsession with work and a particular schedule one must follow to be “successful,” limited the extent to which I could merely copy their strategic moves. DISSERTATION COMPLICATIONS Though the emergence of a global pandemic, COVID-19, complicated my dissertation writing, and at one point, completely derailed me, it did not prohibit me from research. My dissertation examines the sustained role of television in (re)producing whiteness; through a comparison of written texts and their visual representations, or cross-mediation, I analyze representational practices in a variety of visual media, including sitcoms and films, in order to note the complex ways in which whiteness is codified, taught, and constantly reified. I was able to access electronic news archives, texts and books, from both the public library, my home institution and sites like Scribd, while I was at home with my daughter. The pandemic enhanced these options: Access to scanned copies of books I would have otherwise purchased emerged during the latter months and the Hathitrust Digital library expanded access to their databases. However, the pandemic, redoubled other pressures I already faced as a Black/Brown immigrant student-parent, namely an increase in already present anxiety and a certain shame around being “abnormal.” Instead of feeling strengthened by my ability to attend both a week-long colloquium and a conference in the first year of my child’s life, I felt like a failure because I was not mimicking the “norm” of my colleagues. At the conference, this manifested as worry around the presence of my daughter, my body already a signifier for difference.1 In retrospect, this was the specter of antiBlack and anti-Brown racism, sexism, and classism I had already faced on my predominantly White campus, in a midwestern-esque Southern town that was struggling to expand beyond its old, White identity. The pressures to recreate the acts and practices of young, White, male academics materialized in the absence of mothers within my department, in discussions with other women colleagues who wished to have children, but feared reprisals in their home departments and more generally, in those chosen to be recognized and praised by the department for particular kinds of labor. The anxiety I faced ultimately manifested in a writing block, which lasted around 8 months. Again, I acknowledge that the writing block was not merely a result of the pandemic, but the collective weight of all that had already transpired in graduate school, from humiliating moments with professors to a critical lack of writing support. The fissure here, the disparate treatment of Black/Brown graduate students in comparison to their White counterparts,

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was reinforced by the particularities of COVID-19, culminating in critical doubt. As the reality of the pandemic-cum-graduate school racism/classism/ sexism descended and mothering intensified, my apprehension around deviating yet again from the “norm” increased: If the “average” PhD candidate with no child was struggling in this moment, how would I thrive? TIPS, TIPS, AND TIPS The very nature of a cataclysm necessitates accounting for both what was, what can no longer be, the immediate present and the future one desires. In moving beyond the frozen state, I worked to negotiate the interconnections of these nodes. First, I settled within myself that there would be an after pandemic reality, one that necessitated my active participation. Though this would seem like a simple declaration, many academics critiqued the push towards academic production in light of the stress inherent to a global pandemic. My resolution moved past a simple urge to maintain production (and the precarious status quo) and instead looked both ahead and rearward. It was, in effect, similar to a mantra. To limit myself within this moment would mean aborting much of the labor I had already borne, and much of the labor of those who had come before me. Not only am I a Black/Brown graduate student, but the mother of a Black/Brown girl child in a country that routinely disavows her possibilities.2 I am also the descendants of enslaved people and indentured laborers. My survival, in all forms, within a cataclysmic moment, and what others have termed twin pandemics, is more than my survival, it is the survival of those before and after me. By completing my dissertation and attaining my PhD, I would extend the reach of my ancestors in this world and with it, the reach of my daughter in her world. After resolving the meaning of my actions within this moment, I realized I needed to continue (a) establishing a workspace and (b) working towards a schedule for my family. Though we had to relocate twice during the pandemic, I made a concerted effort each time to decide where I would work. In the daytime, I positioned myself near a window. At night, I settled in the room I found most comfortable, usually with a cup of tea and background music. I mention these details because engaging the process of creating a post-pandemic future requires agency, and even simple decisions, like choosing the areas where you want to work when a house may not be your own, is a practice of agency. When we finally settled in our permanent apartment, I reconvened the tools I found most relaxing in order to summon joy to my workspace. Though my favorite computer chair was lost in the move, I installed a bulletin board with photos, kind notes from my community and other remainders of pleasure. In addition to securing an area in which I could focus, undistracted from my other responsibilities,

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I worked to establish a routine. At one point, I woke up at 4:00 a.m. to write before my daughter woke around 8:00 a.m. I would then take her to the park (we were in a small town, with minimal cases and limited interaction with other people) and after she ate lunch and settled for her early afternoon nap, I would start again, then stop when she woke. Now, as I live with my partner, I wake at 5:00 a.m. to meditate, then begin writing from 6:00 a.m. to 10:00 a.m. Even as the schedule has shifted to accommodate life changes, my daughter’s needs, and unforeseen complications, returning to it daily has worked to ground me beyond uncertainties. A schedule also enabled me to worry less about meeting the needs of my daughter. Embedded in the idea that academia and parenting are incompatible is the narrative that to be good at one is probably to be lackluster at the other. The concern that my daughter would not get what she deserved, the loving attention of a mother, due to work itself drained my energy. COVID-19 deaths, the murders of Black people by police, police defenders and Trump supporters, compounded the concern I felt, and my need to protect her. Establishing a routine in which her joy was attended to was both an act of reclamation and grounding: I reclaimed my sense of safety by controlling what I could; I reclaimed our joy by spending time together that was not marked by apprehension; and I reclaimed my energy by diverting it away from worry and towards that which grounded me. Sometimes, one must hold onto the flotsam to survive the wreck. My last two suggestions center the dual duties of home- and self-care. I developed a cooking and cleaning schedule to (a) limit the struggle I felt switching between disparate tasks, like domestic duties and academic writing, and (b) to ensure that these needs would be met with limited management. For instance, if Saturday is the designated cleaning day, only small, maintenance tasks need to be completed during the week, and only when the activities given precedence, like writing, are completed. Scheduling these duties also helped to relieve the pressure I felt to get everything done in a day. Clearly, all tasks cannot be done in a day, so establishing a plan outlining what would be done and when, removed any uneasiness I felt about unfinished tasks and messes. I also want to mention the concept of the “good enough mother.” Devoting oneself unceasingly to one’s children is an unrealistic expectation under the best of circumstances, and especially a hazardous one during a pandemic. As clarified by Dr. Carla Naumburg (2018), “Children need their mother (or primary caretakers) to fail them in tolerable ways on a regular basis so they can learn to live in an imperfect world” (para. 8). Perfection is neither an option in academic work nor motherhood . . . and that’s okay. The ideal in both situations is surviving and thriving. In addition to scheduling cooking and cleaning, I now schedule time to recharge. To be frank, I only began thriving in the dissertation process when I recognized that I too mattered, not merely as an academic worker

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or a mother, but a singular person. The wellness activities I choose may vary depending on the month, year, or immediate circumstances. When my daughter was able to attend daycare, I was able to go to hot yoga. Now that she is home, I meditate before she wakes and after she sleeps. We sometimes stretch and attempt simple yoga poses together. At one point, I found running to be the most effective tactic against writing blocks and anxiety. I’ve often heard academics joke about missing meals or being so invested in their work that all other necessities fall by the side. This approach may work in the short term, but it is not a habit that will support you should you choose to continue to work in academia. Generally, I work to mobilize a wholistic approach which establishes balance in mind and body. My final self-care recommendation lies in building and maintaining community. Because I am now in my last year, I’ve had the time to build some lasting connections with colleagues. They are now friends with whom I discuss writing, varied problems, and generally, share the experiences of being a Black/Brown graduate student. My community has been integral to my survival and continues to support me in varied ways throughout the process, even though we live states away from each other. I also recommend utilizing the mental health resources your campus may offer and lobbying for access should it seem inaccessible. The therapists I’ve had throughout graduate school were an integral part of my community, and therapy itself is still one of my tools for survival. To summarize, my strategies are as follows: 1. First, locate yourself. Where have you been? Where are you going? How can you actively construct a reality that holds you accountable to those who support you, and those who will come after you? What would it mean to complete your dissertation? For yourself? Your family? Write down these reflections. Returning to this in times of stress will work to ground you, like a mantra. 2. Work to cohere the practical with your goals for completion. You may need to establish a workspace. Welcome joy into your workspace by hanging up photos and other mementoes. Place your reflections in an area where you will see them daily. 3. Schedule it! Setting a daily schedule for your family will help to establish a routine in which everyone’s needs are being met, especially given the nebulousness of time in quarantine. This schedule would include your work times, activity time for your children, and so on. Outlining the basic routine limits the uncertainties and allows you to transition between/prep for your daily tasks. 4. Don’t forget cooking, cleaning, and self-nurturance. A separate table outlining possible meals will help to organize both the cooking and shopping. A cleaning chart or schedule will help to routinize these

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tasks as well and enable you to completely focus on writing and research when these tasks are at hand. As you are a human being with non-work-related needs, schedule time for yourself. This could look like 20 minutes of meditation twice a day, running with the baby in the stroller, or yoga if you find yourself constantly feeling rushed. Therapy, or any of the mental health resources your university offers may also prove useful as well, in addition to developing and staying in touch with your community. Being a parent during an unprecedented pandemic does not necessitate quitting your PhD program. Rather, one option is striving to balance your responsibilities through structure, planning, and some flexibility. Some days may go awry but returning to the structure you’ve erected will create long-term progress. It is already done. NOTES 1. While the term imposter syndrome is now widely used to clarify the relationship between graduate students, typically those who deviate from the academic “norm,” and the norm itself, its applicability to everyone erases the specificities of being Black/Brown women within academia. This is one reason I hesitate to use the term here; the experience is both reminiscent of imposter syndrome and beyond that description. 2. In a recent article entitled “A Battle for the Souls of Black Girls,” The New York Times explored the over-disciplining of Black girls in public schools. For a more in-depth analysis, I suggest researching Black Girlhood Studies, specifically Lindsey Elizabeth Jones’ research.

REFERENCE Naumburg, C. (2018, March 14). The gift of the good enough mother. Seleni. https://www .seleni.org/advice-support/2018/3/14/the-gift-of-the-good-enough-mother

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CHAPTER 12

SINGLE MOM, ABD Patricia M. Virella University of Connecticut

On March 18, 2020, I closed my first Zoom of many to come. After an hourlong meeting, my program director and the other faculty members agreed to pivot to online classes because of the looming pandemic. We had plans in place, and I began planning for my classes, transitioning them to remote learning. The next day, my children’s schools would shutter their doors, having them pack up as much as they could and head home for 2 weeks. I checked in with my advisor, who explained that I should keep working on my dissertation proposal and be ready to defend soon. Naïvely we both assumed that this suspension of in-person learning would be brief. Despite the news reports, my little world felt secure, and so I began to chug along. Like many, I would have no idea of the drastic changes that would upend my world. EXPERIENCING CHALLENGES Two weeks passed and it became abundantly clear, the pandemic would alter our daily lives indefinitely. I began to think about what my life would look like with all the moving pieces, such as: managing my children, dissertating, Dissertating During a Pandemic, pages 103–110 Copyright © 2022 by Information Age Publishing All rights of reproduction in any form reserved.

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and teaching. As a PhD student, I tried to work on my dissertation, starting and stopping while navigating online learning for my kids and graduate students. My dissertation, a three-manuscript policy study about the education reform policy in Puerto Rico, started to fall apart. Initially, I had planned to conduct a qualitative study, interviewing principals, and then sending out a survey of their perceptions of the education reform policy. As April crept in and I was putting the finishing touches on my proposal, Puerto Rico, previously ravaged by Hurricane Maria and earthquakes, was now reporting cases of COVID-19. The island shuttered its school doors and locked down. In conversations with my advisor, it became clear that sending out a survey via email on an island with intermittent electricity and power during a pandemic was not a good idea. At this point, my advisor suggested I think of another line of inquiry for a portion of my dissertation. I was devastated. I had been working on my dissertation since the Fall 2019 semester. At the time, I was hoping to defend my dissertation proposal in mid-April. Overwhelmed, I started from the beginning. Concurrently, some of my family members began to have mental health challenges as a result of the pandemic. My children were scared, asking many questions, and feeling a sense of despair. Typically, my kids are independent and joyful. They love to be with people, learning, playing, and simply enjoying life. As a single mother, I juggle many things—school, work, and most importantly, being a supportive mother. My children know that at times I can be a workaholic. Still, during the pandemic, it became clear that I would have to reposition my priorities, moving away from my work to focus solely on parenting. I had to cook three meals a day for two picky eaters, maneuver dual remote learning classes, submit homework, and many other elements of being home. My dissertation proposal took a backseat. It just had to wait. This tension settled deep in my gut. I was so used to moving quickly, writing bit by bit, submitting to my advisor, and the cycle would begin again once I got his feedback. To be going at a breakneck pace and then to push it aside was tremendously hard to do. I was so invested, but two pairs of eyes looked at me with such fear, I knew my decision to pause working on my dissertation proposal was right. After a month of reacclimating to the “new normal,” I returned to my dissertation proposal. Single parenting during the COVID-19 pandemic became a singular priority regardless of the work I needed to complete. However, that pang of desire to finish PhD-ing was too strong to ignore. I had to find a way to meet in the middle where I could parent and work on my dissertation proposal. I had to find strategies that helped me to work in short bursts. I also had to mentally wrap my brain around the fact that it was okay to go slower so I could attend to the two little people in my house that needed me so much more than my research. I began by looking at what I needed to accomplish. One study of my three-manuscript dissertation

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needed to be entirely reconceived. This would be a large undertaking, and I had to find a plan. THE OPPORTUNITY TO FIND MY WRITING PROCESS At the time of the lockdown, I was consulting at two schools, teaching four classes, and had a full graduate assistantship. I am a graduate faculty at Sarah Lawrence College, an hour and a half to 2-hour commute on the days I have to head to the college. I spent about 8 hours a week driving to the schools I consulted in and to the college. Concurrently, the majority of the feedback my advisor gave me was to slow down and focus on my writing. He explained that the adage of “publish or perish” is true, dependent upon my career goals. I knew that if I wanted to end up a tenured full professor, I would have to learn how to write better, but I just didn’t have the time. Once I got my children settled, I focused on my writing. I started by considering what kind of writing I was struggling with. Academic writing was brand new to me, and although I began to work with my advisor on writing better, I did not give it a dedicated focus. I now had the time to take stock of my writing process and try some new things. First, I evaluated my writing space. I asked myself, “Where do I like to write?” and “How do I like to write?” I quickly discovered although my office in the basement was spacious, the dank conditions prevented me from wanting to spend a lot of time there. I then tried the dining room, but I found my kids walking around too distracting. I then moved a small desk up to my bedroom, looking out the window. I found this corner peaceful and could get some work done. Next, I began to assess the parts of academic writing I felt comfortable with and those I needed to dramatically improve. Given that I spent the previous semesters working on writing the methods and findings section, I realized I had to do some more reading on the discussion section and introduction, not to mention the dreaded literature review. I spent most days early in the lockdown reading authors I admired. I then reached out to these authors and asked them about their writing process. I got some great advice that gave me FOMO. Was I missing out on the joy of writing academically? It felt like it. I also would email my advisor and ask questions like, “What goes in a discussion section?” Yes, I felt so basic asking these simple questions, but I knew that I could come out of it as a more informed and skilled writer with this time. I read about the writing process of Ruth Bader Ginsberg, Jelani Cobb, and Ta-Nehisi Coates. I was consumed with the many ways people enter into writing. I also began to read the New Yorker in earnest, picking up the fine writing elements I was reading. I kept a small journal or would highlight in blue, my color code for writing I liked. I took note of the way certain people began sections, crafted sentences, and selected words.

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At the same time, I began to work on old manuscripts I had written, which needed to be improved for publication. This gave me the opportunity to review my writing and improve upon what I already had. Doing this taught me the writing skills I was good at and those I were not. I also submitted a few abstracts for book chapters to write about my experience as a principal or leader to help craft cohesive pieces without the monkey on my back of the literature review. I did all of these things to get better because now I had the time to dedicate to improving my craft. It became abundantly clear that writing was a skill that I would acquire throughout this time. I needed to be just as disciplined about writing as taking my nightly vitamins. I found myself writing every day in small bursts. Sometimes a sentence, sometimes 1,000 words. I wrote memos that helped me draw out my thinking into larger ideas and interpret my data in profound ways. I felt and saw the growth in my writing. Amongst the most notable things that happened is that I began to believe in myself. So many of my peers wrought often and with their advisors. I did not, and I felt like I was lacking. In actuality, I needed to slow down and learn about my writing process. By taking my writing and approaching it as learning about myself, I changed my preconceived notions of what a good writer does. Instead, I permitted myself to be who I authentically am as a writer. For example, I believed that I had to write with no tv on and in a quiet space. I began to see that certain movies in the background provided me with the “company” to focus on, similar to what music does for some. I also learned that there are days that I write at night, but most days, I write the best from 10 a.m.–4 p.m. Finally, writing became something for me, not something just to put notches on my academic belt. I found that writing helps me get the ideas I have out and engage with the world differently. Writing also provides me with the opportunity to be alone in my thinking without added noise. As a single mom, I look at writing time as a special time, most times. I make myself a cup of tea or have a soda and chips, but the idea is the same: pamper myself because the cognitive demand of what I am doing is immense. I hope to carry most if not all of the habits I developed once the world opens again. Being on the Other Side of ABD On July 8, 2020, I became ABD. A mere 3 months after I was initially supposed to defend, I stood in front of a Zoom camera describing my dissertation proposal to my committee. The experience required me to be more technically savvy about Zoom and my presentation. I usually have notes on my PowerPoint, but you could see my notes when I shared my screen. I had to print out notes and rehearse. I also made sure that my presentation was

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aesthetically what I wanted to direct my committee to what I wanted them to see as I was talking. I drew on the book Presentation Zen by Garr Reynolds (2012) and looked at different templates on Slide Carnival. Because my presentation was occurring on Zoom, I knew I had to pay more attention to the presentation’s aesthetics. After many rehearsals, I was as ready as I could be. I was asked questions for an hour and a half, maneuvering between questions about my theoretical framework and methods. When my committee came back and exclaimed, “You passed!” I felt a mix of excitement and blasé. I was excited about the next phase of my PhD journey and scared about this phase in the current world climate. I also had to work through my revisions, which my committee wanted me to execute. Part of the defense process often includes revisions to your proposal. In my case, my committee asked me to do pilot studies of my dissertation proposal to see if my research questions or approach would yield what I would want it to. This part was the most frustrating for me. My revisions took 3 months to approve, going back and forth with my committee regarding the revisions and what they wanted me to demonstrate. This process completely took the joy out of being ABD. However, at this point, I just wanted to complete the revisions because I was excited about the studies I would conduct. Three months later, I found myself immersed in my data, excited once again about my work. STRATEGIES FOR SUCCESS Plan Everything! When I began to work on my dissertation proposal, I had a structure. I was in a dissertation proposal class and had regular assignments. This structure allowed me to write and submit feedback at regular intervals. My advisor and the course professor gave regular weekly feedback and encouragement, which kept me working. I thrived in this structure and feedback loop. When we shut down in March, 2020, it was all on me. I was in my home, no quiet library or informal pop-in at a professor’s office to brainstorm ideas. I started to dig around in my books and rediscovered The Together Leader, a book that I leaned on as a principal. In this book, author Maia HeyckMerlin (2016) offers straightforward tips to organize your schedule, specifically designed for your energy levels and tasks. After refreshing my memory, I started to list all the things I needed to do. Then I broke down my tasks into manageable blocks. I reflected on my energy levels throughout the day. For example, I get tired in the afternoon, so I had to think about the blocks of time when I wasn’t tired or ready to write. Also, I had to consider daily tasks such as cooking breakfast, lunch, and dinner for the littles, walking

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the dog, and taking the trash to the curb. After looking at the full scope of what I had to do in a day and week, I knew that I had to create writing blocks, many of them to do various tasks (i.e., research, read, write, memo, etc.). I then broke up each task into much smaller ones. I put these blocks in my calendar, which gave me a sense of how much time I could dedicate to my dissertation proposal. I also became very aware that with the anxiety of the pandemic, I was no longer in any shape to do the work after 10:00 p.m. or later. This was a significant shift for me because many nights after I put the littles to bed, I would make a cup of tea or decaf coffee and write for an hour or so. I tried a couple of different times and settled on writing in the mid-morning to the early afternoon. This block of time worked for me to do reading and writing, but I was missing the mindset that it was okay to work when I could. Patience for You and Me When I began writing my proposal, I had planned to be ABD shortly after completing the course. This seemed feasible because I had a committee that would give me regular feedback. After a portion of my proposal writing fell off the rails, I felt like a failure. I had worked at a feverish pace until March, and I bought into the narrative that I should be productive despite the world’s current conditions. Mentally, I struggled to be patient with myself and the current climate. Through these mental gymnastics, I leaned on my family, friends, and colleagues. I was vulnerable. Throughout all the conversations, I heard one theme, patience. All around the world, there was uncertainty about the future. I had to be patient and accept that my productivity was second to keeping myself and my family mentally healthy during this time. I also had to be patient with my advisors and dissertation committee. Despite their breakneck pace of work, they, too, were navigating these uncertain times. We were all being stripped of the comfort and safety we had had for years, resulting in people responding differently. By learning to be patient about my circumstances, I could be patient and empathetic with them. Take a Lunch Break By mid-October, I began to write my dissertation. I analyzed data from one study and started working with my mentor and advisor on writing up the study. I began writing at 9:00 a.m. or 10:00 a.m. every morning after coffee. There were days that I got into such a groove. I did not want to stop. I worried that I would run out of time and pick up my kids from school once they

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are home. It’s showtime in a whole other way—homework, snacks, horseback riding or chess, and then dinner followed by bedtime. So, I skipped lunch and would eat lunch once the kids got home. Sometimes I had such low blood sugar my hands would shake! It was not healthy and problematic in the long run. I found a way to work from 10:00 a.m.–12:30 p.m. and would place my phone on “do not disturb.” If I went to the bathroom or such, I would check on my phone in case my kids’ school called, but most of the time, I just wrote undisturbed. This allowed me to work more focused and allowed me to take a lunch. During my lunch, I watched TV and checked all the social media, but sometimes, I would just think about what I was writing. The time I had to think afforded me the distance from my writing to consider other ideas, perspectives, and so on. Taking lunch is not only about fueling your body. It’s about giving your mind a break. This also allowed me to take a break and think about what was going on with me on that day. During these times, the world is still a very complicated place. On some days, I meditated or just vegged out after lunch. I leaned into what I needed to get through the days and feel good about the work. LESSONS LEARNED As we continue to be in and out of lockdowns from the COVID-19 pandemic, I continue to learn about myself and my writing process as I write my dissertation. I’ve learned to acknowledge academia’s outside pressures are very real, but I have to find ways to protect myself from that. For example, I learned to quiet the voice in my head that says, “You’re not moving fast enough” or “You’re not doing enough.” Instead, I know I am doing what I need to when I need to preserve myself. Succumbing to the tales of other doc students or scholars does nothing but steal your growth and process. Treating yourself through this process comes in many forms, but make sure you do! This is another aspect of my dissertation process that I learned. Sometimes that means I order takeout for dinner or buy fancy pens from Amazon Japan. Whatever I need to treat myself, I oblige because this work is hard. Rest, sustenance, and love are not treats. Those are non-negotiables you should always surround yourself with. Finally, find yourself people who will lift you up, listen to you cry, and say you can do it or offer a joke or two to brighten your day. I am an introvert by nature, so being at home wasn’t as hard as I thought. However, it was lonely, and from what I gathered, dissertation writing is generally lonely. To offset this, I created a group chat with some friends to send each other memes or other nonsense to laugh about. I also made sure to call on those when I needed a boost. This takes a level of vulnerability; however, it felt so good to be supported. I also found a mentor who was committed to my success. He

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offered insights into my dissertation and even checked in on my well-being. When you embark on a PhD, everyone says it is hard, but the most challenging part is truly getting through your dissertation process. Build yourself a love village where you give love and receive it. This will provide you with support when you can’t give yourself the love or gusto to keep going. IN THE END Completing the dissertation process is a goal that, once I complete, I will be immensely proud of myself, especially as I finish it through a global pandemic. However, what I have learned is that in the end, you have to create a process that will allow you to be authentically you and carry you after you complete the dissertation. Your process is for you and no one else, so make it what you want to get to and through your PhD. REFERENCES Heyck-Merlin, M. (2016). The together leader: Get organized for your success and sanity. Jossey-Bass. Reynolds, G. (2012). Presentation zen: Simple ideas on presentation design and delivery. New Riders.

SECTION IV BECOMING PHINISHED

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CHAPTER 13

“IT JUST GOT REAL!” Dissertating Under the Tripartite Pressure of the COVID-19 Pandemic, Anti-Black Racism, and the Academic Job Market Francena F. L. Turner University of Illinois, Urbana–Champaign

I completed and defended my doctoral dissertation after my state instituted a shelter-in-place order during the COVID-19 pandemic. Two of my children were in middle school and learning remotely, while my daughter, located in another state, dealt with the pandemic on her campus. I wrote a dissertation about historical student, community, and campus activists while witnessing a renewal of student, community, and campus activism due to the continued state sanctioned murder of Black people, such as Breonna Taylor and George Floyd in the United States. Still further, I completed this work as the already capricious academic job market sank even further into uncertainty. For many doctoral students, the time spent writing a dissertation is fraught with competing time demands, crushing anxiety and

Dissertating During a Pandemic, pages 113–120 Copyright © 2022 by Information Age Publishing All rights of reproduction in any form reserved.

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insecurities, poor health, and the stress of finding work after completion (Brown & Watson, 2010; Evans, 2007; Silinda & Brubacher, 2016; Sverdlik & Hall, 2020). STUDY SYNOPSIS I conducted a historical study of the ways Black women experienced the civil rights/Black Power eras as students at Fayetteville State University (Fayetteville State), a historically Black institution of higher education located in Fayetteville, North Carolina. I graduated from Fayetteville State and I grew up in Fayetteville, North Carolina. I felt a particular kinship to the women in my study as we were all Black women who attended the institution and, for at least a time, considered Fayetteville home. I used archival sources such as student, local, and national newspapers and magazines and institutional records to lay the sociohistorical foundation for my 18 oral history interviews. Through these sources, I explored how Black women participated in the sitin and Black campus movements, how they came to gain political education via family, community, and/or educational experiences that may have shaped their involvement in organizing and activism, and how their participation in these protests may have affected their career trajectories. I found that Black women were present, active, and, in some cases, leaders within student protest efforts during the sit-in and Black campus movement(s) while students at Fayetteville State in at least four ways mediated by gendered social norms. First, Black women participated through groups—such as Black Greek letter organizations—for which membership inherently denoted leadership. Second, Black women were on the front lines during both the off-campus sit-in movement and the on-campus Black campus movement. Third, Black women participated as bridge leaders and communicators. Sociologist Belinda Robnett (1997) defines bridge leaders as persons who serve as go-betweens connecting those in power—in this case the Student Government Association president and the university administration—with the foot soldiers or student body. Lastly, Black women made up the campus electorate and were, therefore, responsible for the election of the SGA presidents. The simple act of being Black in the United States radicalized the students in my study. Some of the narrators spoke to recognizing and experiencing injustice at very young ages and the ways such memories seemed to strengthen their resolve to fight injustice as adults. Many of the narrators I interviewed were deeply connected to their home churches but attended Fayetteville churches that collaborated with organizations, such as CORE and the NAACP, to provide nonviolent directaction training for students. Some of the narrators discussed the ways their professors and politically educated community leaders introduced them

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to grassroots organizing and activism. Finally, their experiences, whether overtly gendered or not, impacted their career and community experiences post-graduation. Most of the Black women and men I interviewed spent at least part of their careers as educators and they all remained connected to social movement work at the community, local, or state level. CONTEXT AND PRESSURE When I began my doctoral studies, my daughter was in high school. By the time I defended my dissertation, she was a junior in college. I intended to complete my dissertation in 2018, but I had a knee injury that sent me into a deep depression due to poor medical care and being gaslit by multiple physicians. In not letting this injury confine me, I attempted to do all the things I’d done before, but with a pronounced limp and sometimes debilitating pain. Prior to this injury, I wrestled with beginning my dissertation interviews because I was terrified that no one would agree to talk to me. I injured my leg a few days after I worked up the nerve to call and interview the first person. This increased my pre-existing writer’s block. I turned into as much of a hermit as graduate school allowed for at least a year. In a discussion with a member of my cohort, I admitted that I was stuck. Just saying those words out loud broke the wall for me. I made an appointment with my advisor. I managed to refrain from crying while I explained that I was scared that I would not be able to write my dissertation. He shared some stories of his experiences writing his dissertation and shared that when he couldn’t write, he made sure he performed other tasks that were important to his work. Through this conversation, I realized that I did the same. There hadn’t been a single week where I didn’t collect and catalog archival research, read pertinent articles, or have conversations about my topic—activities that are a part of writing a dissertation. I contacted the next person on my list of potential narrators. She agreed. I contacted the next person and she agreed. I ended up conducting most of my interviews over the next 3 weeks. My orthopedic doctors refused to operate on my leg and put me through months of ineffective physical therapy until I more agressively demanded proper care. I had surgery in June of 2019 and intended to finish my dissertation by the Summer of 2020 and defend during the fall semester. COVID-19 AND THE ACADEMIC JOB SEARCH Because I found it difficult to concentrate on the dissertation, my work as a graduate teaching and research assistant, my family, and the job search, I did not intend to apply for academic jobs until after I completed my

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dissertation. I applied for several postdoc positions that would allow me to do the exact work I wanted to do. Due to the COVID-19 pandemic, my children never physically returned to school after spring break as they moved to remote learning. At the time, I was recovering from the flu. I interviewed for my current position after seeing several institutions institute hiring freezes and rescind job offers. Upon being offered the position, I met with my advisor in mid-May, talked to my committee, and developed my completion plan. I discussed the situation with my family, and we agreed that Mommy needed to write. WRITING CHALLENGES I am extremely productive when writing in coffee shops or restaurants. The soft busy murmur provides just enough background noise for me. While writing at home during the pandemic, however, every sound was a distraction from the work because I was responsible for my family. I countered this in two ways. I began getting up by 5:00 a.m., having a cup of tea, cleaning one thing in my house, and being in my seat to read one article and write by 7:00 a.m. I then put on headphones and participated in several online writing groups created by and for Black women. I also went without sleep sometimes due to wanting to capture and complete a line of thought before I lost or forgot it. I met my deadlines early but doing so took a toll on my health, due to lack of sleep and overreliance on caffeine. As each one of my committee members was also an administrator and dealing with how my campus responded to the pandemic, I got very little feedback on my chapters. This, of course, deepened my sense of dread. First that no one would agree to be interviewed, next that I would not be able to write it at all, now that what I did write wouldn’t be good. I cried a lot. I felt increasing pressure to finish the dissertation, but I also wanted to write a document that my narrators would be proud to read. SHELTER-IN-PLACE AS OPPORTUNITY My state’s shelter in place order meant that each member of my immediate family was home at the same time, so I felt torn by trying to meet their needs while trying to finish the dissertation. Being home, however, aided in my dissertation completion in two ways. First, it was less distracting than the rat race of school drop offs and pick-ups, sports, and going to and from campus to work. I no longer had to end a day worrying and planning for the next day’s excursions. I lost a lot of time to those endeavors and ended up with several notebooks of ideas I had to table until I could get back to

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my computer. While I was responsible for making sure my children participated in their classes and did their homework, I experienced far fewer interruptions to my work. Second, my children saw the work I had to do in real time—work I would normally complete while they were in school. The dissertation became something in which my children also took ownership. For example, my sons would remind each other to let me write so that “we” could finish this “long paper.” Answering their questions about my progress often helped me think through analytical points. I distinctly remember my youngest son’s face when he saw me remove the last sticky note from my to-do board. His excitement allowed me to, for once, take a moment and enjoy the milestone of submitting my full draft to my committee. I successfully defended my dissertation, virtually, in front of a Zoom audience of over 40 guests on July 1, 2020. My digital defense alleviated some of my stage fright because I did not have to deal with how awkward I feel standing in front of a crowd at an in-person defense. What does one do with their hands after all? Defending my dissertation virtually also allowed several generations of my loved ones to witness me become the first person on either side of my family to earn a PhD. It would have been expensive to physically bring that many members of my family to my campus. Because they are open to the public, in person defenses can be tense and cold. Most of the people who attended my virtual defense knew me long before I entered graduate school and they were deeply invested in my success. I don’t think I ever smiled as hard looking at each of their faces and trying to thank each one individually. STRATEGIES AND TIPS It is not nor should it ever be considered normal to complete a dissertation the way that I did. This essay is not a pitch for normalizing writing a dissertation in 3 weeks. Were it not for the way I organized my historiographical and archival research in the years prior to my time dedicated to completing the writing portion of my dissertation and the way that I wrote snippets of certain stories over the years and had them ready for insertion into the document, I would not have been able to complete my dissertation under this kind of extreme pressure. While the positive aspects of how I managed to go from three chapters to eight chapters in 3 weeks (scrapping and re-writing two of them), might not work for everyone, I do want to share several of them. The most important step is to backdate your completion plan. By this I mean that you should set short deadlines going backwards from your defense date. When should you get a full draft to your advisor? How much time do you need to devote to each chapter? Schedule yourself time to put the document down before editing it. Do you want a reader

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outside your committee to see the document first? How much time do they need to provide feedback? I joined and effectively used my time in a variety of Black women created and curated online writing spaces. These spaces and the Black women in them were integral to my completion; I was in community with other Black women who were at various stages in their doctoral process and with whom I did not have to explain my angst. We could just do the work. Some of these groups required us to simply report our progress while others required us to meet via videoconferencing while writing. In line with this strategy, I also verbalized my completion goals to my family and posted those goals on social media. This added another layer of accountability. The next strategy I used was to set and stick to a writing ritual of sorts. I got up before the rest of my family and used that time to myself to grab some tea, clean one thing, read one thing, and begin the day’s writing. I found this helpful because I contributed something to each area in which I held responsibility—myself, my home, and my scholarship and that alleviated some of my daily stress. Additionally, I cannot overemphasize the degree to which you must protect your writing time. You may write for longer periods of time, but I suggest you devote several hours of uninterrupted time each day to writing the dissertation. It can be trying to repeat yourself to your family, friends, and employers, but do it. Volunteer for nothing. If your goal is to complete the dissertation, you would not bring your whole self to any additional projects you take on anyway. Lastly, protect your health and sleep when your body tells you to. Refusing sleep is not a sustainable practice and you’ll just end up rewriting unusable paragraphs. AFFIRMATIONS AND THE WRITING PROCESS I made use of various forms of affirmations during my writing and defense whirlwind—visual, verbal, and written. I created a gallery wall in my living room with photographs of historical and contemporary Black women and family members who inspired me and were integral to my work. The faces of Maria Stewart, Fannie Lou Hamer, Ida B. Wells, Anna Julia Cooper, Nina Simone, Anne Chesnutt, and Jenifer Lewis, for example, coupled with what I knew of their stories, provided me with motivation to complete my work. I kept a picture of Fannie Lou Hamer as my desktop background and a picture of Toni Morrison as the background on my laptop. Further affirmations came from the women I found in the pages of my work. Each person I interviewed for my dissertation—some with doctoral degrees, most without one—imparted words of wisdom to me for the

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dissertation process. When discouraged, I thought back on their kind words. I also printed a copy of a quote, attributed to Maya Angelou, and kept it on my desk. Angelou said, “Forgive yourself for not knowing what you did not know before you learned it.” This helped me get through the times I felt embittered over how little guidance I had throughout the long story of my process. Lastly, I will always draw inspiration and resolve from a line in historian Stephanie Y. Evans’ (2007) Black Women in the Ivory Tower, 1850–1954. In situating the subject of her research within the larger community of Black American women, Evans reminded her readers, “For every triumph cited here, the Academy crushed thousands of Black women. Many left without their diploma, some not to return, some never to recover” (p. 102). I sat with this line for quite some time and, ultimately, I decided that the Academy would not crush me. CONCLUSION In short, the pressures and challenges in writing and defending a dissertation during the COVID-19 pandemic, explosive displays of anti-Black racism, and the precarity of the academic job market ended up also serving as opportunities and motivation to do the work. I created a writing world where I wrote about Black women’s historical organizing and activism while I simultaneously witnessed contemporary instances of anti-Black racism that mirrored those that occurred in the distant times and places I visited in my work. My desire to chronicle prior activist experiences as a set of blueprint and cautionary tales of sorts for contemporary and future organizers and activists delivered a sense of urgency that the job offer alone could never have provided. Most importantly, I formed an intentional community with sista scholars—Black women who were also writing towards their own dissertation or manuscript completion. In a world outside this carefully curated one, I may not have been as successful. REFERENCES Brown, L., & Watson, P. (2010). Understanding the experiences of female doctoral students. Journal of Further and Higher Education, 34(3), 385–404. Evans, S. Y. (2007). Black women in the ivory tower, 1850–1954: An intellectual history. University of Florida Press. Robnett, B. (1997). How long? How long? African American women in the struggle for civil rights. Oxford University Press.

120    F. F. L. TURNER Silinda, F. T.,& Brubacher, M. R. (2016). Distance learning postgraduate student stress while writing a dissertation or thesis. International Journal of E-Learning & Distance Education, 32(1), 1–15. Sverdlik, A., & Hall, N. C. (2020). Not just a phase: Exploring the role of program stage on well-being and motivation in doctoral students. Journal of Adult and Continuing Education, 26(1), 97–124.

CHAPTER 14

IT AIN’T OVER ‘TIL YOU’RE DONE Quantrilla Ard Walden University

Tackling a dissertation during a pandemic wasn’t what I had envisioned for myself when I started all those years ago, but I was more than grateful when I found myself at the end. The challenges I faced during the process seemed to pale in comparison to wrapping up years of scholarship while also juggling quarantine and homeschooling three children ten and under. I knew 2020 would be the year I completed my journey, as I had planned all the submissions, feedback, edits, and approvals to the best of my ability in hopes of participating in the summer commencement. Here’s the thing about plans—the only constant is that they always seem to change. Flexibility, maturity, and surrender were all concepts with which I was familiar. However, this season of volatility afforded me the opportunity to put what I knew into practice, whether or not I was fully prepared to do so. It was difficult, and there were quite a few sleepless nights involved, but each step brought me closer to my goal. When all was said and done, the proof was in the pudding, and I was an expert in the kitchen.

Dissertating During a Pandemic, pages 121–126 Copyright © 2022 by Information Age Publishing All rights of reproduction in any form reserved.

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OVERVIEW OF DISSERTATION Just a few months ago in August, I received my PhD in psychology from Walden University with a specialization in health psychology. My dissertation focused on a topic that is very personal, Black birth outcomes and racially mediated maternal stress. My individual experience with this topic began 10 years ago, not too long after beginning my doctoral studies. The week of Christmas 2009, I was closing in on my due date for my firstborn and went to my prenatal visit and discovered that my blood pressure was elevated. With no decline in sight, the obstetric team decided to induce me, resulting in an emergency caesarean section. By the next morning, I had a tiny, pre-term baby and no idea how any of this could have happened. Black infants are 2.5 times more likely to die in their first year of life than White infants. The factors that drive this phenomenon are low birth weight and preterm delivery. I suddenly found myself the mother of an infant with both mortality risk factors while simultaneously battling a life-threatening illness. I knew if I survived, I would do everything I could to help eliminate these outcomes for others. That is where my dissertation was born; right alongside my son. Using an exploratory, quantitative design I collected data that accessed maternal discriminatory stress and demographic data that assessed Black mother’s childbirth experiences to provide insight on the relationship between perceived and actual racial experiences and negative birth outcomes for Black women across varying educational backgrounds. While my quasi-experimental design could not establish causality, I was able to show that there were significant positive relationships between the subscales of my survey tool and negative birth outcomes. These negative birth outcomes included preterm delivery, low birth weight, very low birth weight, and infant death within the first year of life. In addition, there was a significant positive relationship between highest degree earned and very low birth weight. This was a critical finding for me because I realized that in my peer group of professional, Black women, all of us had experienced a negative birth outcome while growing our families. The factors that we assumed would be a benefit to us (higher educational attainment, higher income, quality insurance and prenatal care) were the opposite. We represented a group of women whose lifestyle carried a burden of maternal stress that affected their reproductive health in a maladaptive manner. CHALLENGES OF DISSERTATING DURING A PANDEMIC This completed dissertation represented a large portion of my time, effort, and energy. While getting to the final stage of my study already had its

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challenges, trying to complete it during the COVID-19 pandemic was more difficult than I had anticipated. I was not prepared for the compounded stress of the pandemic. Along with many other interesting roles, I am also the mother of three children, ages 10, 8, and 5. My husband and I had just decided to homeschool our children that school year, unbeknownst to us that by March the entire country would be in some sort of a shutdown to “flatten the curve” and restrict the transmission of the coronavirus. This was a particularly challenging time because we were psychologically and emotionally stretched thin, even though we didn’t have to make a sudden decision regarding their education plan. We were constantly trying to reframe and reshape the narratives our children were hearing regarding the coronavirus. I did my best to make life seem like it wasn’t changing on us, even though they could see and feel it happening. We were bound to the house; there were no more visits from friends or neighbors who had become our family and support system during my doctoral program. The time I needed to spend working on my dissertation was spent reassuring my children (and myself) that we would be okay. The days of having a babysitter come over so I could get uninterrupted time to write, edit, and repeat were gone. There were no “me time” breaks to local coffee shops or cafés to debrief after an unusually hard day. The day bled deep into the night, and the glow of my laptop screen at odd hours of the morning (again) made me feel like I had failed. It felt like I would never finish. Because I stayed up many nights, the days that followed them were typically slow and filled with quick tempers and short fuses. Thankfully, none of us got sick and our health has remained intact. But it affected our psyche— it stole time and confidence and influenced every single decision I made. There were times I could not look at my computer or dissertation. I took breaks that lasted longer than they should. I hoped that I could buy myself more time by pretending it didn’t exist, but all it did was delay the inevitable. I knew I had to figure out how to successfully navigate this season and finish my dissertation. Completing this journey wasn’t just for me, but it was also for my children who were my living, breathing miracles and connection to this topic. It was also for my husband, who had recently completed a PhD program at Walden. Furthermore, it was for the Black mothers and babies who are disproportionately affected by medical injustices that promote and uphold the gaps in disparate mortality rates. It was for the other Black researchers who would come behind me and need research in this field of study to support their work. Most of all, it was for my mother, to whom I made a promise long before she passed away over 17 years ago. As strenuous as COVID-19 was on my mental health, it also motivated me to be even more determined to achieve my goal.

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OPPORTUNITIES OF DISSERTATING DURING A PANDEMIC To be fair, COVID-19 didn’t only negatively impact my doctoral journey. Throughout my program, I shared my research interest with people I knew from church, family, new friends, and other researchers and acquaintances. When people came across anything that had to do with Black maternal health or Black infant health, I would get tagged on social media or a link to an article would show up in my text messages. At first, I didn’t understand the gravity of this behavior. Over the years, I noticed more engagement, more interest, more awareness, and more attention. The closer I got to the completion of my degree, the more this topic began to pop up. It was clear to me that Black maternal and infant mortality was becoming more than a pile of statistical data collecting dust in medical journals. It was someone’s mother, sister, wife, aunt, cousin in the flesh whose life or infant’s life was lost too soon from preventable circumstances. The unique situation we are in because of COVID-19 has created a vast opportunity for the sharing of research and advocacy. Virtual platforms have increased exponentially due to travel and social distancing restrictions. Recorded interviews, podcasts, Facebook live, Instagram live, and other social media outlets are prime real estate for health education and promotion. In speaking up and becoming more vocal about education and awareness on these issues of social and reproductive justice on social media platforms, more people began to listen or ask questions. First, there were small, intimate conversations. Then there were broader, fuller, larger conversations happening all around me and the people in my direct sphere of influence began to call on me as an expert. Cue imposter syndrome! It took me a while to get fully used to it, but the work I had put in was coming together in a way that was unexpected but enjoyable. I have been able to share my dissertation research as a part of mental health panels, maternal health panels (including infertility and loss sessions), motherhood and homeschool podcasts, and more. In some way, I still feel like I should be engaging in something “more academic” like submitting to journals or presenting at conferences. Disseminating my research in this manner was not what I had in mind when considering next steps after my program was over. However, the fulfilment and joy I receive from these non-conventional opportunities is more valuable than I could have imagined. STRATEGIES FOR DISSERTATING My doctoral program at Walden was completely online. Aside from our four, face-to-face residencies, everything else was conducted via Blackboard or some other online resource. Making sufficient and significant progress meant a lot of self-discipline and intentionality. In hopes of saving you some

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heartache by taking a page from my book, here are a few of the strategies and tips I used to get me through writing and defending my dissertation virtually during the coronavirus pandemic. Plan your time wisely, then use it wisely. I mentioned at the beginning of the chapter that I had planned out my writing and edits and feedback so I would be able to participate in the summer commencement. Now friends, that wasn’t all me. I love a good plan, but I am not a planner by nature. So, I had to help myself become a better planner by writing everything down (and I do mean everything). Part of planning my time wisely involved keeping a notebook of all my calls and conferences with my dissertation chair. I would go back and create tasks or action items from our conversations and attach deadlines to them. In addition to that notebook (aka lifesaver) I used a planner to block out chunks of time that I was overlooking in my day. Rather than trying to fit in 15 minutes here, and 20 minutes there, I would combine them as dedicated time to complete a task related to my dissertation. Let’s say I needed to input data into SPSS or follow up on an email to participants during data collection. Having uninterrupted time to make progress was the most powerful factor in my success. I didn’t like staying up all night to get that time, which meant changing some things around so that I didn’t have to do that often. Here’s a bonus resource that goes along with this strategy, put yourself on a quarterly or semester plan. I was very careless with my time at one point in my program. Then I suddenly began to make so much progress! You know what changed? The school began instituting another layer of accountability for us. We had to fill out quarterly plans at the beginning of the quarter with a mid-quarter check in and a final submission the last week of the quarter. We had to list an overall goal for the quarter and then write out weekly tasks that would help us achieve that quarterly goal. Beside each task we had to list when we had completed it. Our grades were connected to whether we did what we set out to do. That was a great motivator to get back on track. Use templates for your dissertation and defense. Don’t “wing it” or recreate the wheel. If you know someone who is successfully making progress just ahead of you by a milestone or stage in the program, ask them for their outlines or templates. It will save you time and energy. You’ll have an example, and you can also identify ways to make your dissertation and defense shine and stand out from what’s already been done. Also, check to see if your institution provides templates for your dissertation and defense (most do). You will be able to know exactly what you are to include in your dissertation and defense and there will be a uniform, polished look and feel to the final presentation of your hard work. Take care of your mental, physical, and spiritual health. One of the reasons my program took a while to complete is because life happens! I fully lived life while in my program. We had children, we moved, my husband changed jobs a few times—there was not one thing life forgot to throw at us during this process. We experienced heartache and heartbreak, illness,

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death, loss—everything. No matter what, I was committed to finishing my program. The thing I wasn’t as fully committed to was my own health. I didn’t intentionally neglect it, but I didn’t intentionally protect it either. Friends, the end of your program can be tricky. I was tempted many times to think that once I got to a certain point, it would be easier, and it would go by faster. Not only was I wrong, I was wrong and unaware of it. I was so focused on meeting those deadlines and plans I forgot to take care of myself; then the compounding influence of the coronavirus pandemic exposed it. I wasn’t sleeping well, I surely wasn’t eating well, and every now and then I’d walk outside. Notice how I didn’t go outside for a walk, I just walked outside. You are your greatest resource in the successful completion of your dissertation, despite the pandemic. Don’t put yourself last. Drink the water, get the exercise, find the better meal, sit down to enjoy it. Pray or meditate as you are comfortable, talk to a therapist or counselor. Get yourself a good support system and tap into it. You will thank yourself for it once you finally hit submit for the last time. I’ll share this with you before moving on. I was so put off with and involved in the upheaval our family was walking through during the pandemic, I didn’t even get a chance to celebrate one of the biggest wins I would ever experience in my lifetime. WORDS OF AFFIRMATION Thinking back on my journey, I had lots of motivational quotes and positive affirmations that kept me going. Quite a few of the ones that held me up in the final moments of closing out my doctoral program during a pandemic were Bible verses and hymns. I know I’ve probably caused you to picture me as a church grandmother now, but it’s the truth and nothing but the truth. But my absolute, all-time favorite golden carrot was the promise I made to my mother to go as far as I could with my education. She believed that as long as I had an education, I could do whatever I put my heart and mind to. That it was something real and valuable. Most of all, she told me that it was something that no one would be able to take away from me. I trusted her wisdom and I knew she was right. It wasn’t over until it was over, and I honored her by getting it done. I didn’t keep this somewhere visible, but I reminded myself of it often, especially when I wanted to quit. I hope she would be proud of me . . . that I fully gave her credit for it. I don’t know where you are in the completion of your dissertation, but I am sure that you will get it done. I can already see the graduation regalia on you and the pride beaming from your face. I can hear the shouts of your loved ones as you graduate. The pandemic will eventually end, and you’ll be able to say that you survived it and that you completed your dissertation in the time of coronavirus.

CHAPTER 15

DISSERTATING WHILE BLACK Precarities and Possibilities During COVID-19 Shawn S. Savage The University of North Carolina Wilmington

FRAMING THE DISSERTATION AND THIS CHAPTER My dissertation, currently titled Tests, Tensions, and Triumphs: Black Male Doctoral Student-Instructors’ Teaching Experiences in Historically White Institutions, is a practitioner inquiry of the teaching experiences of six Black male doctoral student instructors from the southeastern, southcentral, midwestern, and northeastern regions of the United States. I crafted a fused theoretical framework that I currently refer to as BlackCrit cultural wealth. It is situated within the metaparadigm of Afrocentricity (Asante, 1980/1998, 2009) and Fanonian critical theory (Fanon, 1952/2008, 1963/2004, 1967); informed conceptually by critical race theory (Ladson-Billings, 1998; Ladson-Billings & Tate, 1995) and hegemonic Whiteness (Cabrera, 2018); and enhanced analytically by the specificity of BlackCrit (Dumas & ross, 2016) and community cultural wealth (Yosso, 2005). This practitioner research employs critical race methodology (Solórzano & Yosso, 2002). Data collection

Dissertating During a Pandemic, pages 127–135 Copyright © 2022 by Information Age Publishing All rights of reproduction in any form reserved.

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sources include four semi-structured interviews of approximately 30–60 minutes with each participant; two focus group sessions; as well as documents, specifically participants’ students’ evaluations of their teaching and other supplemental sources such as artifacts. To help contextualize my experience of dissertating while Black and the related precarities and possibilities during the COVID-19 pandemic, I will first relate a sequence of events including passing my comprehensive requirement, gaining approval for my pre-proposal and committee, and traveling to see family. Second, I will discuss some of the personal circumstances brought on by the onslaught of COVID-19. Third, I will discuss some of the precarities these circumstances caused for my dissertation process as a Black male doctoral candidate. Fourth, some of the possibilities realized to date are discussed. And finally, I will provide some strategies, including important affirmations, others may use dissertating while Black during this and future pandemics. CONTEXT: MY BLACK CANDIDACY, FAMILY, AND COVID-19 After passing my comprehensive requirement and ascending to the status of a doctoral candidate, I received approval of my pre-proposal and committee in February 2020. A few weeks later, I visited my family out of state to celebrate my mother’s birthday with my siblings and the wider family. No sooner were we immersed in the celebration of her life and spending quality time with each other, than news and intensification of the spread of the COVID-19 pandemic in March 2020 upended everything. My institution suspended in-person classes and closed the campus, as so many other institutions did. Previously, I had eked out space at the Theology and Ministry library of my institution that proved to be an extremely productive environment for my research and writing. Multiple books and other research materials were left in my designated locker there, and I was now out of state. Fortunately, the great staff of the library (namely Stephen Dalton & Leea Stroia) obtained my approval for them to access my locker, and they shipped my books and materials to my local address. But I was still out of state. This was further compounded by the state restrictions between my home state and the state I was visiting. Cases in my home state were skyrocketing. Given that I would no longer be able to access any of the campus libraries, and most public facilities were now closed, I decided to stay at my family’s residence rather than return home. This provided me with an opportunity to help my family out, particularly my ailing stepfather, as well as benefit from some nutritious Jamaican meals, including from my sibling who was

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visiting from out of state, and from my sibling, niece, and nephew who live at the family residence. Over time, too, I found myself also rotating in the cooking cycles, even though it may not have been classic Jamaican cuisine, as I would often experiment with different meal options. Regardless of who cooked or what family activities we engaged in, it was nice to finally be surrounded by everyone. It had been a long time since I had spent such an extended amount of time with my family. It was welcomed. But it was not without its challenges during a pandemic. Some family members still had to report to work daily during the “lockdown” as they were essential workers. This meant they were at increased risk of exposure, and so was I (i.e., Boyd et al., 2020). Of course, my usual OCD propensities were in high gear. I wore latex gloves and a mask whenever I had to go to the supermarket. The car keys, steering wheel, gear stick, knobs, and seating were constantly cleaned. I washed every bag and item with hot water and soap before refrigerating or storing them. I left online purchase deliveries on the porch for a few hours to a day sometimes, before wiping down the packages and items with Lysol wipes. Everywhere and everything was being cleaned frequently. And eventually, I started using Instacart instead of going grocery shopping in-person. No sooner had one person in our multi-family house developed a fever over a protracted number of days, than I started having prolonged intense chills, shivers, and night-time fevers that left my clothes and bed soaking wet. I did not have a fever during the days, but during quarantine (and beyond), fatigue, lethargy, mental fog, and loss of words were persistent as well as physically and psychologically debilitating. Consequently, I had tele-health video appointments with two medical doctors. The first was with a doctor who was available while my primary care physician was away, and the second was with my primary care physician upon his return. Both of them diagnosed me as a presumptive case of COVID-19. However, given the scarcity of tests, and the lack of any vaccine, I was quarantined but not tested. Instead, I was given specific acute symptoms to look out for that would necessitate my immediate hospitalization, testing, and treatment. In the meantime, Vitamin C, warm lemon water/ tea, pain killers, my allergy inhaler, water, various folk remedies, and daily check-ins from and monitoring by my primary care physician had to suffice. Because of the intensification of the rates of positivity, going to the hospital could mean if it were not COVID-19, I could end up getting exposed to it. And if it were COVID-19, it could also get exacerbated by my hospital visit for a test. Thus, I yielded to my doctor’s advice and tried to manage it while remaining at the family home. To date, my voice has not fully been restored to its former quality, and some of the related symptoms seem characteristic of what is being referred to as COVID-19-related “long-haul syndrome.”

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PRECARITIES Undoubtedly, my medical situation posed significant precarities for crafting my dissertation proposal. Not only was I out-of-state, away from my Zen space at the library or the study amenities of my own home, and without most of my research materials, but it also meant that attempts at writing were primarily from a stream of consciousness. Sadly, that consciousness was also precarious given the mental fog, loss of words and voice, and fatigue. Therefore, any written work could have been at any point along a continuum from utterly unintelligible to searingly stellar. This precarity also, therefore, meant I would oscillate between feelings of the imposter phenomenon (Clance & Imes, 1978) and affirmations of superior and capable intellect (such as evidenced in Goings, 2015; Kim & Hargrove, 2013). There were days when I worked for a prolonged period and produced significant work for each chapter of my proposal, and there were days when I could not think nor find words to represent any thoughts that emerged. Similarly, COVID-19 and the related lockdown brought changes to my daily schedule, and threw my sleeping cycle out of whack, particularly during intense coronavirus-esque symptomology and effects. This meant there was a precarious structure for writing, which despite my efforts to plan, organize, and execute, was not always feasible, given my fatigue and mental state. This meant I would often go to bed at about 7:00 a.m. but would try my best to write whatever I could whenever I could, on whatever little sleep I could. This situation became even more problematic and precarious for me, with the killings of (and public discourse about) Ahmaud Arbery, Breonna Taylor, George Floyd, Rayshard Brooks, Tony McDade, David MacAtee, Alexander McClain, among others, and the ensuing racial FedUPrising, and Black Lives Matter protests throughout April, May, and the duration of the summer (Alang et al., 2017; Laurencin & Walker, 2020). I became significantly discombobulated, and could not escape the gripping fear for my own life as a Black man, as well as for the lives of family members, and other fellow melanated queens and kings throughout the United States. The precarity of our lives, and living, compounded the precarities I faced trying to dissertate while Black. Black (as well as Brown, and Indigenous) families were bearing the brunt of the coronavirus impact, in positivity rates, deaths, and familial displacement (Selden & Berdahl, 2020; Thebault et al., 2020; Yancy, 2020). Moreover, the vilification and intentional misrepresentation of protestors (a constitutionally protected right) as rioters, looters, mobs, and thugs (not constitutionally protected) inflamed me, adding to my already recurring fevers and other ill-effects.

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POSSIBILITIES Despite the many precarities and other challenges, however, several possibilities emerged and were eventually realized. Specifically, despite the physical issues, intellectual precarities, as well as mental fog and related depressive propensities during COVID-19, I managed to take advantage of several opportunities. For example, I was able to attend a few dissertation defenses to gain insights into that aspect of the process, as well as support colleagues. Additionally, I was able to connect to a variety of networks and webinars, such as Black and in Grad School Webinar Series in May, the American Educational Research Association’s Division K Teacher Education Webinar on May 21st, and the R.A.C.E. Mentoring Virtual 2020 conference on July 18th. All of these provided a social and scholarly community that was helpful for my well-being, and was particularly critical in my dissertation proposal and my motivation. Additionally, my chair and I were scheduled to meet fortnightly, and I was able to meet several writing goals. For example, by April 2, 2020 I submitted my first full draft for Chapter 1, even if it was just a “shitty first draft” (Lamott, 1994). In fact my chair indicated that my Chapter 1 was so fulsome that there were parts that were to be extracted to create Chapters 2 and 3 . By May 25, the second draft of Chapter 1 was submitted to my chair, and the first draft of Chapter 3 was submitted by May 26, and ultimately before mid-July all four chair-approved chapters were submitted to my enhanced second reader. Her edits were received by August, with suggestions for an additional body of literature. August 2020 provided some professional possibilities. With the imminence of the new academic year, my institution needed course developers to help faculty prepare for asynchronous, synchronous, or hybrid online courses. I was invited to work with the law faculty, and assisted in the course development for a suite of 28 law courses. This of course, also reduced the amount of time I had weekly to dedicate to the dissertation. Nevertheless, I was intentional about allocating at least 3 days that would exclusively be for research, writing and revisions to the dissertation proposal. By the end of September all four chapters of my dissertation proposal were submitted to my entire five-member committee. I had a successful dissertation proposal hearing in October, and received valuable feedback. For instance, I received excellent commendations, including commentary that my writing reflected the sophistication of a scholar (usually) more senior. I completed data collection by the end of 2020. Currently, I am in the throes of coding and data analysis, with an anticipated dissertation defense and graduation for Spring 2021. Of course, the COVID-19 season has provided possibilities for me to also access resources and learning beyond my campus. Importantly, because of COVID-19 many people are home, which brings its own challenges and

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opportunities. Fortunately, Zoom proved invaluable for conducting my interviews and focus groups with my participants, at their convenience. Additionally, the current pandemics created space for me to access various webinars for learning and growth. For example, The Ohio State University’s webinar series, Unapologetic Education Research: Addressing Anti-Blackness, Racism, and White Supremacy, aligns with my research orientation and is proving to be helpful for my eventual data analysis, and future work. And there have also been several other qualitative research resources that I have become connected with since COVID-19, including the Qualitative Research in Education Facebook group and events. Together, whether it is the possibilities attending and supporting colleagues in dissertation defenses, connecting with members of important networks, and participating in webinars, including possibilities for learning beyond my campus, and (most importantly) completing and submitting my dissertation proposal—they were all possible, if even in part, during the pandemics of COVID-19 and continued anti-Black racism, as experienced throughout 2020. Both the precarities and the possibilities underscore the critical importance of community. And the goal-attainment and successes experienced to date are axiomatic of [Black] community cultural wealth (Yosso, 2005). SUGGESTED STRATEGIES Against this background, there are several strategies that I would provide to future doctoral candidates, particularly those dissertating while Black in this or any future pandemic. Admittedly, the realities of this and future pandemics may differ, and change substantially over time. Nevertheless, the strategies I provide may still be helpful. Firstly, carve out and protect time for researching and writing. This may be difficult, but it will be necessary to help you centralize and fulfill your role as a dissertation candidate. And it will afford you the opportunity to still produce work, regardless of the circumstances. Secondly, find a writing group or accountability partner with whom you may check-in and also help each other stay on target. This person may be your chair, a mentor, a peer, or a network of other scholars. Thirdly, even in the designated writing times when your thoughts may be all over the place, still commit them all to writing—no matter how incoherent, disjointed, or expansive they seem. A “shitty first draft” is still a draft. It can always be edited and re-organized later. It is something. Every good work undergoes multiple iterations of edits. Something to be edited is better than nothing. Fourthly, despite the intentionality to have time, space, and accountability structures for your research and writing, it is also critical to give yourself grace and space to deal with the significant mental and physical toll that may

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overcome you during a pandemic. Do something that brings you joy, whether alone or with others (including virtually). For instance, watch a movie, exercise, attend webinars, listen to music, spend quality time with family, friends, and your network, even if just virtually. The psychosocial benefits of your support system, your village, can be pivotal in keeping you in harmony, and enabling you to manage the idiosyncrasies of the pandemic. In those instances, keep your chair apprised so that they know that you are in a different mental space and may have to postpone some agreed upon targets. Finally, never forget that you are special and immensely capable. Your admission to, progression through, and current status in your program are mere testaments of those capabilities. Particularly as I dealt with the immediacy of COVID-19-esque symptomology and effects, I needed reassurance and uplifting. My department chair had previously emailed me indicating she had heard that I was “a very strong writer” (S. Bruce, personal communication, December 2019). And it was particularly heart-warming and motivational to hear my advisor tell me that he learns so much from me, including new vocabulary, when he reads my work, and that I write really well, or that my work reads really well. He even jokingly and casually referred to me as “Professor Savage,” which suggested to me that he deemed my work to be of high quality, and he saw my competence as emblematic of that of a professor, even prior to my completion of all the technical phases to reach that status. In many instances these comments referred to my shitty first drafts. But with his guidance and my enhanced second reader’s, those drafts got revised and condensed from stream of consciousness to the intentionally conscious. Like my turbulent time dissertating while Black, you may have similar turbulence from which you, your brilliance and work get affirmed. Relish those affirmations. They will be particularly important should the pandemic you experience engender its own mental health challenges, including feelings of the impostor phenomenon. Moreover, those external affirmations represent critical acknowledgement of your hard work, and your immense capabilities. AFFIRMATIONS Speaking of affirmations, one of the Blk + in Grad School 2020 Blk + in Grad School Graduate School Success Virtual Summit (Strengths not Strikes, 2020) sessions addressed the imposter phenomenon. The session facilitator required each participant to fill in the blanks of an affirmation she suggested, which I did. I will share this with you so you may use it too: I, _________ , am claiming space for _________ , no matter what _________ may say.

What would you fill in those blanks? At the time, I wrote:

134    S. S. SAVAGE I, Shawn Savage, am claiming space for a focused high-quality dissertation and future career, no matter what (I am told that) makes me feel down.

Those words centered me that day, and sustained me as I have been dissertating. I wrote this affirmation in my daily planner, and refer to it frequently. In fact, I have allowed my eyes, ears, heart, and mind to be attuned to timely affirmations from a variety of sources. Sometimes it was a comment from my family, or advisor, from mentors, or from colleagues in R.A.C.E. mentoring, or from an article or social media post. Thus, multiple affirmative sources have amalgamated as part of a reservoir of motivation in which I can immerse myself, to deal with the precarities and possibilities of dissertating while Black during COVID-19, ongoing anti-Blackness, and their related stresses and strains. It is my hope that despite the persistent and pernicious impact of COVID-19, and anti-Black racism, doctoral candidates (specifically Black men) will be able to find both self-affirmation, and community affirmation to help you center yourselves, harmonize, and be sustained for the important work of your dissertation and beyond. Open your eyes, ears, heart, and mind to all the strengths within and around you. #UBUNTU (I am because we are). REFERENCES Alang, S., McAlpine, D., McCreedy, E., & Hardeman, R. (2017). Police brutality and Black health: Setting the agenda for public health scholars. American Journal of Public Health, 107(5), 662–665. https://doi.org/10.2105/AJPH.2017.303691 Asante, M. K. (1998). The Afrocentric idea (Revised and expanded ed). Temple University Press. (Original work published 1980) Asante, M. K. (2009, April 13). Afrocentricity. http://www.asante.net/articles/1/ afrocentricity/ Boyd, R. W., Lindo, E. G., Weeks, L. D., & McLemore, M. R. (2020, July 2). On racism: A new standard for publishing on racial health inequities. Health Affairs Blog. https://www.healthaffairs.org/do/10.1377/hblog20200630.939347/full/ Cabrera, N. L. (2018). Where is the racial theory in critical race theory? A constructive criticism of the crits. The Review of Higher Education, 42, 209–233. https:// doi.org/10.1353/rhe.2018.0038 Clance, P. R., & Imes, S. A. (1978). The imposter phenomenon in high achieving women: Dynamics and therapeutic intervention. Psychotherapy: Theory, Research, and Practice, 15(3), 241–247. https://doi.org/10.1037/h0086006 Dumas, M. J., & ross, k. (2016). “Be real Black for me”: Imagining BlackCrit in education. Urban Education, 51(4), 415–442. https://doi.org/10.1177/00420859 16628611 Fanon, F. (2008). Black skin, White mask. Grove Press. (Original work published 1952) Fanon, F. (2004). The wretched of the earth. Grove Press. (Original work published 1963) Fanon, F. (1967). A dying colonialism. Grove Press.

Dissertating While Black    135 Goings, R. B. (2015). The lion tells his side of the (counter)story: A Black male educator’s autoethnographic account. Journal of African American Males in Education, 6(1), 91–105. Kim, E., & Hargrove, D. T. (2013). Deficient or resilient: A critical review of Black male academic success and persistence in higher education. The Journal of Negro Education, 82(3), 300–311. https://doi.org/10.7709/jnegroeducation.82.3.0300 Ladson-Billings, G. (1998). Just what is critical race theory and what’s it doing in a nice field like education? Qualitative Studies in Education, 11(1), 7–24. https:// doi.org/10.1080/095183998236863 Ladson-Billings, G., & Tate, B. (1995). Toward a critical race theory of education. Teachers College Record, 97(1), 47–67. Lamott, A. (1994). Bird by bird: Some instructions on writing and life. Anchor. Laurencin, C. T., & Walker, J. M. (2020). A pandemic on a pandemic: Racism and COVID-19 in Blacks. Cell System, 11, 9–10. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.cels .2020.07.002 Selden, T. M., & Berdahl, T. A. (2020). COVID-19 and racial/ethnic disparities in health risk, employment, and household composition. Health Affairs, 39(9), 1624–1632. https://doi.org/10.1377/hlthaff.2020.00897 Solórzano, D. G., & Yosso, T. (2002). Critical race methodology: Counter-storytelling as an analytical framework for education research. Qualitative Inquiry, 8(1), 23–44. https://doi.org/10.1177/107780040200800103 Strengths not Strikes. (2020). Graduate school success: Virtual summit. Blk + In Grad School. The Ohio State University. (2020). Unapologetic education research: Addressing antiBlackness, racism, and White supremacy. Thebault R., BaTran, A., & Williams, V. (2020, April 7). The coronavirus is infecting and killing Black Americans at an alarmingly high rate. The Washington Post. https://www.washingtonpost.com/nation/2020/04/07/coronavirus-is -infecting-killing-black-americans-an-alarmingly-high-rate-post-analysis-shows/ Yancy, C. W. (2020, April 15). COVID-19 and African Americans. JAMA, 323(19), 1891–1892. https://doi.org/10.1001/jama.2020.6548 Yosso, T. J. (2005). Whose culture has capital? A critical race theory discussion of community cultural wealth. Race, Ethnicity and Education, 8(1), 69–91. https:// doi.org/10.1080/1361332052000341006

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CHAPTER 16

IDENTIFYING OPPORTUNITIES AND MAKING SPACE Increasing Productivity During a Pandemic Tamela C. Thomas Kennesaw State University

Throughout my journey as a doctoral student and candidate, I experienced my share of academic and professional challenges. The addition of a global pandemic while writing my dissertation introduced an entirely new dimension of challenges. I lost many of the routines that sustained both my productivity and my work–life balance. This loss took place in the midst of increased workplace responsibilities to meet the demands of COVID-19 closures and quarantine requirements. At the height of the COVID-19 pandemic, I was a full-time middle school principal, completing my dissertation as a doctoral student, and seeking a tenure-track position in higher education. I attribute successfully navigating these demands to taking ownership of the unique opportunity presented by quarantine to slow down, shift priorities, and seek support.

Dissertating During a Pandemic, pages 137–144 Copyright © 2022 by Information Age Publishing All rights of reproduction in any form reserved.

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MY WORK On May 29, 2020, I defended my dissertation in educational leadership and policy studies. My defense was the culminating event of my 5-year doctoral journey as well as invaluable learning experience with a group of phenomenal young Black women who inspired me along my journey. My dissertation study situated science education in the context of neoliberal sense making. My work explored how instructional leadership principles facilitate access and participation for these Black female students enrolled in Advanced Placement science, technology, engineering, and mathematics (AP STEM) related courses (Carter, 2016; Kyburg et al., 2007; Sharma, 2016). The perspectives and practices of K–12 instructional leaders were juxtaposed with the experiences of the Black girls enrolled in AP STEM courses to explore how those practices support or fail to support the academic and social-emotional needs of Black female students. The purpose of the my study was to explore the greater phenomenon of Black women making up 13.7% of the workforce, but only 1.6% of science and engineering related careers (“Women in Science, Technology, Engineering, and Mathematics,” 2019). The study design was an instrumental case study supporting the overarching goal to gain insights into the broader issue of representation for Black women in STEM and inform general ideas held about how leadership is informed around practices that facilitate equitable access and inclusive participation (Stake, 2005). Categorical aggregation guided analysis of data (Stake, 1995). Validation of findings relied primarily on the ethic of care and respondent validation (Collins, 2000; Stake, 1995). To inform my methodology, I utilized a conceptual framework consisting of instructional leadership theory and Black feminist thought. The Black feminist instructional leadership framework allowed me to use a critical framework that explicitly valued Black women’s ways of knowing in tandem with instructional leadership theory to guide my analysis of management-style leadership practices (Collins, 2000; Hallinger, 2010). COVID-19 CHALLENGES Even with a deep passion for my dissertation topic, finding the time and motivation to work on my dissertation was always challenging. Finding balance between work responsibilities, time to re-fuel, and dedicated space to write were continuous struggles. Many of these existing challenges became amplified under the strain of increased job-related responsibilities, changes in my productivity-supporting routines, and quarantine stress and isolation during the COVID-19 shutdown of familiar professional and personal spaces.

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Work Obligations As a full-time middle-school principal, my school required a great deal of my time and energy at the peak of COVID-19 school shutdowns. I was responsible for leading faculty and staff in converting all of our in-person, project-based curriculum into a remote learning model. The charge to protect the mental, physical, emotional, and academic/professional safety of my students and faculty took on a different meaning in context of the pandemic. Even though the day-to-day management aspects of running my campus ended with the implementation of a remote learning model, creating online curriculum and coordinating technology and food distribution services added a brand-new layer of challenges to meeting student needs. This was all executed in the context of constantly changing state and federal demands for every aspect of the “new normal” in day-to-day school management. In my first year as principal of my school, I also felt a great deal of pressure to perform well as leader of an extremely non-diverse faculty, staff, and student population with which I already had a complicated relationship. This meant hours upon hours of planning and preparation to make the transition to remote learning as perfect as possible. Each day included hours of coordinating with support staff, creating online learning schedules, meeting with anxious staff, reassuring worried parents, and figuring out how to motivate students to show up for video-conference classes. With so many aspects of my work pulling my attention in hundreds of directions, I was grateful that I completed data collection for my study. However, the energy and time required by my job left little space and time to immerse myself in analyzing hundreds of pages of interview transcripts and school district documents to report my findings. I found that I did not have the capacity on many of the nights I sat down to work. For me, working full time in a K–12 school was one of the biggest challenges to dissertating in the pandemic. Routine Interruptions In the midst of my busy work schedule, I often found solace in my favorite coffee shop before the business was placed under a mandatory COVID-19 closure order. My safe haven was nestled in a business district that turned into a ghost town by 6:30 p.m. each weeknight and stayed relatively empty each weekend. The owner and crew knew my drink and food order for breakfast, lunch, dinner, and snacks in between. I had access to a large table where I could spread my materials, a solid Wi-Fi connection, and a distraction free space that was very different from what I often encountered when I tried to work from home. The urge to clean out my pantry, do laundry, or mop my floors became overwhelming whenever I opened my laptop in my own home.

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When business closures started rolling out, my staple productivity place shut down. As did my favorite nooks in side street restaurants where I met friends for bourbon and debriefing on Fridays at the close of each week and my favorite late-night diner where coffee and carbohydrates fueled the next leg of my weekend-long dissertation writing marathon. Quarantining did not just mean an end to my brick and mortar productivity spaces. It also meant ending the critical intellectual productivity spaces of my writing accountability partnerships. When quarantine began, my writing partner and I attempted phone check-ins and even planned video conference meetings to support each other in working. These attempts often fell short and eventually just faded away. Between video meeting fatigue and quarantine isolation anxiety, figuring out how to keep productive connections viable became increasingly difficult as the weeks of quarantine progressed. Quarantine only exacerbated the already isolating candidate stage of the doctoral process. These losses uprooted the routines that kept me on track to anything resembling productivity. COVID-19 OPPORTUNITIES Making Space The shifts in my work life and changes in my routines began in mid-March. By mid-April, I was still in the midst of managing work demands and quarantine life, but once I had policies and procedures in place for managing my work responsibilities, I was able to move to working from home full time. This shift gave me a very unique opportunity to build a new productivity space in my home. I was very intentional about designating areas of my home for different functions. I was also very intentional in setting a schedule to designate uninterrupted time to work on my writing. I scheduled time on my calendar for work emails, phone calls, and meetings. The other time during the day was scheduled for work. I also scheduled breaks where I would retire to my living room or bedroom which were designated no work zones. Controlling my schedule was an opportunity that would have never been possible in the normal operation of my middle school. Working without interruption for blocks of time during the day would have been impossible. I also had access to all of my research documents and materials in my home office. The floor and walls became a wide-open canvas for sorting and organizing my research notes. I literally made space for my dissertation work. Opening Communication As I worked on my dissertation from home during quarantine, I realized that I could take advantage of the way COVID-19 quarantine had changed

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how we approached communication. Like me, the members of my committee were also working from home. This created the option for flexible video conferences during the day which made meeting with my advisor easier. Taking advantage of the ease of communicating with our more flexible schedules and the convenience of technology was an unexpected advantage to the pandemic’s shutdown. My advisor and I collaborated over shared screens on video calls to successfully prepare for my defense. Versatility in a meeting venue was a major opportunity for me to push towards finishing my dissertation without the challenge of trying to pack in meetings between the end of my workday and the beginning of my advisor’s evening courses. Time to Reflect In addition to my academic goal to complete my doctoral studies, the pandemic also granted me opportunities to reflect on my professional goals and experiences in a very different way. As I analyzed interview transcripts, I identified a theme in the voices of my participants that I do not feel I would have seen under other circumstances. In my experience as a principal, I placed a tremendous amount of focus and pressure on my performance to be seen as competent. I saw my personal story reflected in the stories of the young women detailing the pressure of being perfect as they sat as the only Black students in their Advanced Placement courses. This analysis led to unearthing a new dimension to my findings that explored the well-being of Black female students. This discussion was not in my original research design. I attribute my expanded lens to the additional time I had to reflect and evaluate my data during COVID-19 quarantine. Contemplating Next Steps Working from home also gifted me time to further reflect on my personal experiences over 16 years in public education and what the COVID-19 pandemic amplified about public education for me. For the first time, I had a moment to consider possibilities for the next stage of my professional career after completing my dissertation. After closely examining my experience, I spent the next 2 months writing my dissertation and job searching. In another fortunate change during the pandemic, universities reimagined the traditional campus visit. I benefited from interview process changes by participating in a remote campus visit for my interview. The chance to focus on faculty position applications and leaving my middle school campus in the middle of high stakes testing season to travel to interviews would have been practically impossible while working full time and finishing my

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dissertation. The combination of time and perspective presented during quarantine was invaluable in my post dissertation career trajectory. PRODUCTIVITY TIPS AND STRATEGIES FOR CREATING SPACE Several factors supported me in taking advantage of opportunities that presented themselves while dissertating in the middle of the pandemic. One of the best things I discovered during this time was the power of ritual. I spoke about the importance of making my office space conducive to working. One of the ways I did that was by making my office both physically and spiritually comfortable. Spending $20 at a local pawn shop for a second computer monitor was a wise investment. The additional monitor played an instrumental role in managing my data. Double monitors also helped me with my virtual defense because I could see my committee and presentation with notes clearly. It seemed like a small detail but made all the difference in the world for my defense. I had the same benefit for my virtual job interviews. I prepared and presented in my created space. I feel that it truly contributed to my feeling at ease during my presentations. As far as preparing my spaces spiritually, I made sure to keep sage, my favorite candles, crystals, and essential oils on hand. I realized that I neglected to recognize the importance of breathing and meditating to ground myself during this stressful time. Setting up a space to be a physically and emotionally supportive space helped me stay productive throughout my dissertation process. In addition to space, another logistically key component to preparing to defend my dissertation remotely was communication. There was no such thing as over communication with my committee members. I also made sure to include our graduate department secretary on all written communications. When it was time to get signatures from my committee on my dissertation approval page, the secretary set up all electronic document signing for me. She also tracked and approved all graduate documents as they moved through the graduate school’s approval pipeline. The logistics of meeting all of these graduate school requirements is critical to successfully completing the doctoral program. As I reached the end of my doctoral journey, I was tired and needed help over the final hurdle. Even with the support of my carefully crafted workspace and graduate school contacts, I still needed additional support. With my original accountability partnerships on hold because of COVID-19, I searched out a reliable dissertation coaching group for final revision discussions and copy-editing services. Working with these services in the final weeks of my dissertation helped me power through successfully defending my dissertation.

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Be it a mentor, colleague, friend, or coaching service, I found that an accountability support system was critical to finishing my program. PRODUCTIVITY AFFIRMATIONS To combat the fatigue of dissertation work, I also relied heavily on surrounding myself with images and expressions that inspired me. These affirmations kept me motivated to write and apply for jobs. Two specific tokens that served as motivation and encouragement for me throughout my process were an inspiration wall in my home office and a bracelet with a personalized motivational phrase. Both of these elements represented personal experiences throughout my life that contributed to building personal fortitude. Each piece on my inspiration wall represented a connection to a memory that inspired me to keep moving forward when the challenges of work, school, and life became overwhelming. I also took a picture of my inspiration wall and set it as my screen saver when I traveled. My inspiration wall included a photo of Frida Kahlo, a poster of Tommie Smith and John Carlos at the 1968 Olympics, artwork from one of my Black female students, a dream catcher, a plaque that read, “She Believed She Could, So She Did,” lyrics from my favorite Nina Simone song, and a poster of Ruby Bridges. For me, my wall embodied courage, resilience, and determination. My bracelet also contained a lyric from that Nina Simone song printed on a metal disk. The disk reads, “Sleep in Peace.” The words reminded me to work each day to live and work in my integrity in a way that would allow me to sleep in peace when each day ended. I focused on doing my best every day to accomplish my goals towards finishing school and finding a tenure-track position. CONCLUSION Dissertating and working to secure post-doctoral employment in a pandemic presented several challenges. My challenges were not unique from those of many others during COVID-19 quarantine as I worked full time and lost the security of many of my productivity-supporting routines. It took time and intention to recognize new opportunities for success in the chaos of multiple changes in our lives both personally and collectively. In the wake of identifying those opportunities and creating new practices to take advantage of them, I realized that the world slowing down was beneficial in more ways than I initially imagined. Constructing my space and managing my time how I saw fit was a new experience. Using the time to slow down, focus

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on my priorities, and find support was the best thing I could have ever done while dissertating during a pandemic. REFERENCES Carter, L. (2016). Neoliberalism and STEM education. Journal for Activist Science and Technology Education, 7(1), 32–41. Collins, P. H. (2000). Black feminist thought: Knowledge, consciousness, and the politics of empowerment. (2nd ed.). Routledge Classics. Hallinger, P. (2010). Leading educational change: Reflections on the practice of instructional and transformational leadership. Cambridge Journal of Education, 33(3), 329–352. Kyburg, R. M., Hertberg-Davis, H., & Callahan, C. M. (2007). Advanced placement and international baccalaureate programs: Optimal learning environments for talented minorities? 18(1), 172–215. Sharma, A. (2016). STEM-ification of education: The zombie reform strikes again. Journal for Activist Science & Technology Education, 7(1), 42–51. Stake, R. E. (1995). The art of case study research. SAGE. Stake, R. E. (2005). Qualitative case studies. In N. K. Denzin & Y. S. Lincoln (Eds.), The Sage handbook of qualitative research (p. 443–466). SAGE Publications. Women in Science, Technology, Engineering, and Mathematics (STEM) (Quick Take). (2019, August 4). Catalyst. https://www.catalyst.org/research/women -in-science-technology-engineering-and-mathematics-stem/

CHAPTER 17

DISSERTATION AS PROTEST Uplifting Black Experiences Amidst Two Global Pandemics Channing Mathews North Carolina State University

“When you can’t do it for yourself, do it for your village.” —My daily mantra

Writing my dissertation on activism during COVID-19 was at times an out of body experience. My work uses quantitative methods to assess the overlap between how Black youth understand what it means to be Black (i.e., racial identity) and the ways youth recognize and take action against social inequities through critical action (i.e., critical consciousness). As the United States floundered to address the COVID-19 health crisis, I felt a deep sense of both urgency and despair. I had less than 6 months to finish my dissertation with my current funding and had no job prospects in site. Along with other educators across the country, I flipped instantly from in person teaching to a virtual classroom, simultaneously trying to maintain my sanity and support my students through our new normal. Though I was overwhelmed, I could not afford to be paralyzed by these new obstacles. In order to finish, I just had to figure it out. Dissertating During a Pandemic, pages 145–150 Copyright © 2022 by Information Age Publishing All rights of reproduction in any form reserved.

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Three months later, I was furiously writing at my best friends’ Detroit apartment as protests erupted across the city. Sitting at a beautiful mahogany table, I looked out the window towards Belle Isle, where protesters stood less than a block away, preparing to shut down the bridge and have their voices heard. The tension was palatable and police cars circled slowly, supposedly directing traffic. I felt my breath quicken, watching nervously and praying for the protestors’ safety from the realities of two global pandemics. As I sat and looked out the window, I lay my head down in exasperation. In this historical moment, I was being asked to navigate my identity as an activist sitting behind a computer screen desperately running statistical models and praying that they would help me to tell the story of the beautiful and resilient Black communities I know and love. How could I sit here and write about the relationship between Black youth’s racial identity and activism, when I should be and needed to be out there with my people, helping to raise our voices? How could I call myself an activist when I wrote, safely quarantined in a beautiful apartment, while Black youth and adults alike took to the street to demand more and better for our country? But also, how could I be out in the streets with my dissertation defense quickly approaching? I designed my dissertation to shed light on the strengths of Black youth and their activism, and I needed every moment, every breath to finish my analysis. Taking a deep breath, I raised my head from the table and texted a friend. “I don’t know if I can do this . . . I need some help to write today.” Two minutes later, I was on a Zoom screen with five of my colleagues. We checked in and I vented . . . how could this structural equation model that I have run an impossible amount of times be more important than being in the streets with my people. Isn’t the thriving of Black communities the whole reason why I am even in graduate school? “Write it for them,” my colleagues encouraged me. “You have been out in these streets . . . now it’s time to translate these experiences to more people to make them listen.” And I certainly had been. I spent my first year in graduate school in 2014 writing letters to my school dean, exposing the paradox of our so-called social justice education and the lack of acknowledgement of the deaths of Michael Ferguson, Eric Garner, and Alton Sterling. My second year was spent holding my university accountable to ensuring that the diversity, equity, and inclusion plan included the voices of graduate students of color. I tutored and taught, helping my students think critically about how education can be a tool to combat systems of oppression. All throughout my graduate career, my service and scholarship were constantly intertwined; I wanted to live the work that I studied. But now, faced with the realness of the current historical moment, I felt an unavoidable paralysis. Writing a dissertation is hard. But writing a dissertation about the very events that are occurring in real time seems

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impossible. The story of writing my dissertation is a story of constantly navigating the tension between my activism and my responsibilities to finish the work I started 6 years ago. In order to become Dr. Mathews, I had to write, analyze, and write again; I had to highlight the strengths of the brave Black youth who were being labeled as rioters and homeland terrorists by mainstream media and the White House. Although my activist experiences had brought me to and sustained me in grad school, my dissertation would teach me to expand my activist lens. Activism is multidimensional; while it is often seen as only being in the streets and fighting the power, institutional change comes from multiple avenues. My research examines how Black youth draw upon their understandings of Blackness and their awareness of racial inequality in order to make institutional change. This is a form of activism. In order to support the youth in the streets, I had to finish my dissertation and share my work with the world at large. Dissemination is one way to share their stories and center their narratives as vital to raising awareness about systemic racism. And if there is nothing that existing during a global pandemic will teach you, it will definitely show you how to be resourceful. I quickly recognized it would be impossible for me to do this work alone. So, I set off on a journey to curate my team, and to find joy in the process, even when joy felt beyond elusive. While no one’s dissertation process looks the same and there are unique challenges to this current moment, there are some concrete tools that I used to (a) move forward with my writing when I felt stalled or overwhelmed and (b) support my physical and mental health so that I could finish the dissertation marathon. The list I provide is by no means exhaustive; sometimes my tools varied from day to day or even moment to moment. Yet these recommendations are ones that I used most consistently throughout my writing process, and successfully crossed the finish line to become Dr. Mathews. RECOMMENDATIONS 1. Create writing team(s) with regular writing sessions. A key to my success in completing the dissertation process was recognizing that the final push can be incredibly isolating. This isolation is deeply exacerbated in the midst of COVID-19 where quarantine made it impossible for writing group meetups. It would be easy to fall into a spiral of loneliness, particularly when the struggle of the dissertation process makes you forget basic needs (I’m pretty sure I did not comb my hair for the last 6 weeks of writing). To combat this, my colleagues and I created regular Zoom meetings for writing sessions. At the start of each session we would state our overall goals and hold each other accountable for breaking our overarching

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goal into achievable, 25-minute tasks (we often used the pomodoro method). The key to these sessions is to have multiple groups that meet regularly. Doing this allows you to avoid fatigue of a specific writing group and also facilitates connection with multiple communities. My variety of writing groups allowed me to connect more intimately with my colleagues, as pandemic conditions no longer allowed for us to do “business as usual” but demanded that we show care and concern, while holding one another accountable in love. 2. Have a writing accountability group. Weekly, I met with my writing accountability group for 1 hour. The meeting differed from writing team meetings as its purpose was to check in about our specific writing goals, and to help troubleshoot when we fell short of our weekly goals. At the start of the meeting, we spent 10 minutes evaluating our individual progress for the week. Based on what we did and did not accomplish, we each wrote out a plan for the upcoming week to discuss with our colleagues and get feedback on how to make better progress. While these meetings seem mechanical, they often involved helping one another to recognize the emotional and physical aspects of the work that were taking a toll on our minds and bodies. A few weeks before submitting my dissertation to my committee, I felt myself drowning in the literature review of one of my chapters. I was stuck between wanting to finish that chapter and needing to move on to a different section. My colleagues helped me to create a schedule that forced me to cycle through sections of my dissertation, so that I made progress across each component, rather than swirling in just one part. Additionally, they wrote with me or texted me throughout the day to ensure that I moved through each section and resisted staying in one until it was done. The structure of our meetings allowed me to troubleshoot and problem solve. But the people in those meetings held space for me, would not allow me to beat myself up, and loved me through the final push of the dissertation. 3. Write your acknowledgments section. In one of my deepest moments of despair, I reached out to a close friend who had recently defended her dissertation. As I wailed in the misery of my final dissertation push, she reminded me: “Write your acknowledgments section. When you feel lost and can’t find the motivation, take your next pom (pomodoro) and write your acknowledgments to the people who matter most to you.” At the time, it felt like one more thing I had to do. But when I tried it, I felt myself strengthened by each name and story I wrote on the page. Our memories and successes together reminded me that I have struggled before and I still made it to the finish line with the help of so many that I love and have

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shown me the way. My accountability group (see #3) was a prime example of this; over 2 years of working together, this group had seen me through candidacy, a dissertation proposal, and a final defense. Reading and writing my acknowledgements section reminded me of my daily mantra, “When you can’t do it for yourself, do it for your village.” Each name and story held the memories of my village who held me through an extraordinary time of my life. My acknowledgements were the love letter to those who uplifted me, and my promise to do the same for others. 4. Ask for what you need. The last few weeks leading up to the dissertation were an all-out sprint. I wrote non-stop from 8:00 a.m. to 6:00 p.m. and from 9:00 p.m. to 12:00 a.m., rinse and repeat. I barely had room to breathe, much less do the basics, such as feed myself. So, I sent an email out to a group of friends with four basic asks: –– Send me words of affirmation. –– Hold me accountable to my breaks. –– Send food/gift cards. –– Help me brainstorm a gift for my partner who held my hand to the finish line. At first, I hesitated to write that email. Many of those I wrote were students themselves, and I didn’t want to place any further burden on others who were struggling with me. And, like many Black women, asking for help is not my forte, even though I am instantly available to support others. However, as my partner and many others reminded me, it is rare when a friend of mine asks me for help that I am not (a) thankful that they reached out and (b) more than happy to help if I can. Why shouldn’t I expect the same in return? And as my partner anticipated, my support network held me up in my final push . . . dropping off food and wine, writing me lovely cards, and generally loving on me as I typed my way to my final defense. My village came through and I am forever grateful for their presence. CONCLUSION On Friday, August 7, 2020, I woke up feeling nervous but hopeful. I worked out to calm my nerves as my mother (the original Dr. Mathews) cooked me a proper Southern breakfast of grits, bacon, and eggs. “A lil’ something to sit on your ribs,” she told me lovingly. I was quiet throughout the day, praying and centering myself for the moment I had worked towards for the past 6 years. At 1:00 p.m., on a Zoom call of 178 of my friends and family, I defended my final dissertation entitled, What Does it Mean to be Black and Aware? A

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Theoretical and Empirical Analysis of Black Racial Identity and Critical Consciousness. As I flipped through each slide, my spirit quickened knowing that the finish line was just a few moments away. As I situated the implications of my work in the midst of the Black and Brown youth activism in the midst of COVID-19, I knew unequivocally that my work was a new manifestation of my activism. In sharing my work and thinking, I contextualized the activism that permeated the streets of Detroit and other major cities across the United States. I challenged the image of Black youth being seen as disposable by highlighting their strengths, their passions, and their demands for a better future. With my work, I centered a narrative of Black excellence. As the committee deliberated, I scrolled through the beautiful faces of my village, who were bouncing to the beat of Outstanding by the Gap Band (Calhoun, 1982). I grabbed my mother from the back room, knowing that my moment would not be complete without her standing by my side. And as the committee congratulated me as Dr. Mathews (and Dr. Mathews2 with my momma), I smiled and released a breath that I had been holding for the past 6 months. As I decompress and transition into my next steps as a postdoctoral fellow, the chaos and scars of writing a dissertation amidst two global pandemics will inevitably always be with me. But the village that walked me through this process will still be with me as I step forward and faithfully, into my healing. I carry them with me as I continue the lessons that pushed my writing forward; my accountability group and I still meet weekly, and I suppose we will continue long after we have all successfully defended. Most importantly, I transition into my next step knowing I am covered in love from head to toe by the village that supported me on the journey to Dr. Mathews. REFERENCE Calhoun, R. (1982). Outstanding [Song]. On Gap Band IV. Total Experience.

CHAPTER 18

WRITING AMIDST CHALLENGE Tiny Tasks, Emotional Residue, and Quieting Your Inner Critic Rebeca Gamez University of Maryland, Baltimore County

Shortly after noon on July 1, 2020, I walked upstairs to the kitchen, where my partner and daughter were playing, to share the news that I had successfully defended my dissertation. For about 2 hours, I stood in front of my computer and presented virtually to my dissertation committee. While lingering fears that my project “makes no sense” still remain, I can now describe this work with more confidence. Using comparative ethnographic methods, my dissertation, Learning Ethnoracial Difference, Division, and Unity: Schools and the Scripting of Boundaries in the “New Latinx South” examines the crucial roles that schools, place, and race play in shaping how African American and Latin and Central American immigrant youth understand their social relations and negotiate their ethnoracial identities in the context of communities undergoing rapid immigration-driven change.

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Yet, as compact as this summary appears on paper, it masks a messy and difficult process. Even now, a few months later, waves of disbelief still wash over me when I realize that I indeed finished amidst raging twin pandemics—the development of a global health pandemic due to COVID-19 and a pervasive anti-Black pandemic, which society appeared to suddenly “awake” to as the murders of Breonna Taylor, George Floyd, Christian Cooper, and countless of others at the hands of police unfolded week after week. In this chapter, I offer doctoral students “dissertating” a few practices and patterns I instituted to help me produce in the midst of adversity and exhaustion. However, I first provide some background that situates the need for these practices and patterns within my immediate and broader sociopolitical contexts. SETTING THE SCENE: MY PERSONAL BACKGROUND I am a first-generation Mexican immigrant born to working-class parents, but I also have privileges as a cis-hetero, non-disabled, White Latina. My father is Mexican and my mother is French Serbian. My parents are both first-generation high school, college, and graduate school students. Yet, their experiences in their respective countries did not often translate to the U.S. context and so the systems in place, as well as financial supports, were not necessarily there as I navigated different spaces in higher education. In hindsight, seeking and asking for help, connecting with faculty, and building support networks proved to be one of the most significant barriers I encountered in graduate school and as I embarked upon the writing dissertation journey. Just like in college, I felt dismay and apprehension as I watched many of my (White) peers effortlessly connect and interact with faculty in ways that often appeared to me as bordering between presumption and reverence. They emailed faculty and professors with ease when they had a question, doubt, or just wanted to talk about their research. In contrast, I seemed to struggle just to write a simple email, never quite feeling that I had the right to request their time and assistance. Some scholars studying the reproduction of educational inequality have called the transmission of this unspoken knowledge—interacting with “ease” with authority figures, asking/demanding help, creating networks of support—the “hidden curriculum” of educational spaces (e.g., Jack, 2019; Khan, 2011). As one of the few Latina students researching race in my program, I soon learned that asking for help and creating a community of mentor scholars with whom I could exchange ideas or receive feedback from was crucial for developing a space that affirmed my work and supported the completion of the PhD. Yet, even with an incredibly supportive advisor and dissertation committee, I struggled to interact with faculty on and out of campus, often relying on impromptu conversations with other

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students as we worked in our “cubicles,” in the library, or other social spaces. The arrival of COVID-19 foreclosed these avenues of face-to-face interaction that provided validation, that allowed for exchange of ideas, and that made asking for help less intimidating. I am also mother to a current 2-year old that I raise with a very supportive partner. Yet, I am not untouched by the “good mothering” ideology that pervades many aspects of women’s lives, even if, as research has demonstrated, its constructs about what mothering should look like emanate mostly from White, middle-income, married mothers’ practices (Hays, 1996). And I too am no stranger to its emotional side-kicks of guilt and shame. I wrestled with guilt about many things—not spending enough time with my toddler or wondering whether paying for daycare was justified when in theory I had a “flexible” schedule as a PhD student. Of course, I recognize that even wrestling with some of this guilt emerges from a place of privilege, where I can afford to send my child to daycare in a country that has limited built-in childcare support, especially for socioeconomically marginalized families. When daycare officially closed because of the pandemic, I did, paradoxically, have more time to spend with my daughter yet I also only had a few months left before I had to finish the dissertation. Like many other individuals and families, my partner and I suddenly found ourselves simultaneously navigating the pandemic, worrying about our elderly parents and their health, childcare, and relentless work deadlines. PATTERNS AND PRACTICES FOR WRITING THROUGH CHALLENGE It is amidst such a backdrop, and with a July deadline looming over me, that I began writing the bulk of my dissertation. In order to finish, I put in place some patterns and practices that I believe allowed me to directly tackle feelings of anxiety and uncertainty about the quality of my work, isolation, and guilt—all feelings that the arrival of the COVID-19 pandemic exacerbated. And I share them here because I hope they might provide some concrete actionable steps for others facing a similar situation. Yet, I also want to emphasize that this advice is no substitute for the deeper structural changes needed to ensure that minoritized and/or first-generation college/graduate students thrive in higher education spaces. Exposing the “hidden curriculum” of graduate school, or changing the “curriculum” entirely, providing more support to race and ethnic studies departments, changing the traditional mentorship structure in PhD programs, teaching the art of dissertation writing are all but a few necessary transformations that might help historically underserved students flourish, and especially during difficult social and global times. Critically, these transformations

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may also help students save valuable time and money as their searches for remedies of what are really structural related symptoms may no longer be needed. Indeed, some of the practices and patterns I present below are the result of countless hours spent researching and reading about topics like “how to deal with impostor syndrome,” “how to make yourself ask for help,” “how to email a professor you don’t know for help,” “the difference between a literature review and a conceptual framework,” “how to construct an argument,” and “how to begin writing a dissertation.” While I learned a lot through my readings and searches (and there are some truly wonderful sources online), I probably would have been more “productive” had I already accumulated this knowledge as part of my everyday cultural toolkit. My last comment before I get into the nuts and bolts of my advice has to do with stages of the dissertation writing process. Most of what I discuss below worked for me because of the particular stage I was in when COVID-19 arrived. When the flood of news about the rising numbers of COVID-19 related deaths hit and when news that schools and daycares were closing arrived, I had collected and analyzed all my data. I had an overarching argument, an outline of all seven of my chapters, and two of these seven chapters finished. In order to finish, I really needed to overcome obstacles to writing—the kind of writing where you are doing less thinking, reading and outlining and, instead, are slowly breathing life into the document by writing sentences that you actually end up keeping. Having said this, I think some of these patterns and practices may work for other stages—whether you’re analyzing, outlining, or drafting. Pushing Guilt and Anxiety Aside: Creating a Calendar of Daily Achievable Goals and Tiny Tasks With our little one now home, our working days cut in half, and a pending deadline, all sorts of feelings of guilt and anxiety coalesced around the thought of writing the dissertation. The dissertation is also a massive document with many moving parts. To move forward, I needed a plan for not only quieting these intrusive thoughts and feelings but also for bringing some kind of structure and order to all the different sections and paragraphs of the dissertation that were floating chaotically in my head. Creating a calendar, where I identified my submission goal and date and then worked backwards to identify all the sub-goals, including completion of chapters and sections that I needed to finish proved critical for both staying motivated and emotionally balanced. With a calendar in hand, I then used the collaborative platform Trello to organize my daily writing goals. Trello allowed me to break down my writing into tiny tasks that I felt were manageable and let me maintain a sense

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of momentum. For example, I would try to break down each section into small distinct units at the paragraph or even sentence level. Checking off each task on Trello when finished and then crossing off my work for the day on the calendar allowed me to feel productive and leave feelings of guilt aside as I switched from writing to parenting duties. Creating a “to do” list on Trello for the next day before completely shutting off my computer also cut down on having to figure out “what I was going to work on tomorrow,” removing some of the stress that comes with indecision. Of course, not all days went as planned. There were days where I felt stuck or didn’t finish enough on my list. Building in some extra buffer days in my calendar relieved some of the pressure of having to finish everything by a certain date. These practices do not seem terribly innovative, but they provided structure to the day and, crucially, quieted the ongoing and punishing loops in my head that I “should be working” or that “I was never going to finish” when it was my turn to take care of my daughter. Isolating Your Routine and Safe Writing Space The arrival of COVID-19 threw my old writing schedule into a tailspin. More importantly, all the places that had become a sort of second writing home during my afternoon and evening writing hours—coffee shops, bars, library nooks, my office cubicle—were closed and off limits as our city attempted to contain the spread of the virus. Yet, from this disruption new patterns emerged that allowed me to continue working amidst the turmoil. I found that writing in the mornings worked best. I felt the most clear headed and focused. Luckily my partner supported this new pattern, taking care of our daughter in the morning so I could write. I also found renewed appreciation for different spaces within our small home that allowed me to write. I usually wrote in our home office in the basement and created many new rituals around the beginning of the writing process—tidying up my desk, taking a small coffee break, and listening to the same music. But, when I had a particularly bad writing day, sometimes switching spaces helped me regain perspective and get unstuck. For example, I wrote outside, on our stoop stairs a lot. Finding a routine that worked, and sometimes being flexible with that routine, made writing and editing easier particularly given my emotional and time constraints. Quieting Your Inner Critic Creating a calendar, focusing on tiny tasks, finding a writing space, and creating a writing routine at home all helped push the “dissertating” process

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during a period where uncertainty prevailed (and still largely prevails as I write this). Still, these patterns and practices did not entirely address my feelings of inadequacy regarding my writing and ideas. And, I still had trouble asking for help and feedback, even more so now with campus closed and most avenues of face to face interaction blocked off. At times, these sentiments left me quite paralyzed as I sat down to work on my tiny tasks and calendar items for the day. To reduce this paralysis, I introduced a daily affirmation centered on quieting my “inner critic.” I posted the following words next to my laptop on a yellow Post-it note: “The idea that my research has no value and that I am a bad writer is not true. That’s my inner critic talking. I choose not to take direction from it.” I stumbled across the notion of the inner critic from academic coach and editor Rose Ernst’s (2019) writing on the topic (which led me to other work on the matter, see e.g., Mohr, 2014). Drawing on this work, I conceptualize my inner critic as an entity—mythical yet real—composed of accumulated daily life experiences, shaped primarily by structural conditions that emerge from pervasive intersecting racial, class, and gender inequalities, that imparts a series of messages about (un)belonging to the academy and about individual self-blame. For me, these messages might take the form of, “This dissertation is bad. I don’t know what I’m doing. I’ll never be able to finish. Professor so and so was right when they said my writing was undisciplined. I don’t belong.” Rather than taking direction from my inner critic, and letting these thoughts spiral out of control, my daily affirmation helped me regain perspective. Instead of giving up, I would ask myself what about writing on that day made my inner critic appear so forcefully? What latent thought or past experience catalyzed the arrival of my inner critic? What concrete action could I take to quiet the inner critic? In some instances, letting go of a particularly messy section for a while and moving to another section worked to calm the inner critic. In other instances, repeating the affirmation pushed me to isolate what about that particular writing section needed rethinking. Was it simply that I lost sight of my argument? Did I need to reread a particular section? Maybe, doing a reverse outline would help me see where I had holes in my argument. However, many times, and much to my dismay, quieting the inner critic led me to the conclusion that I needed to ask for help. Paradoxically, then, learning about the “inner critic” and recognizing that my fear of asking for help stemmed not so much from personal failure but from experiences in part circumscribed by intersecting inequalities pushed me to reach out more so than before. I reached out to fellow colleagues and mentors when I struggled with a particular section. I also realized that connecting with faculty does not always have to be a transactional process but can be about simply receiving affirming support. This is not to say that saying this affirmation proved to be a magic bullet. There were days

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when the inner critic did not go away (and is still here even now!), which made for some pretty miserable writing days. However, recognizing and naming it did lessen the anxiety and paralysis around writing during what was an already incredibly difficult period. CONCLUDING THOUGHTS: “WRITING IN THE MIDST OF ADVERSITY” As political scientist and academic coach Angelique Davis (2020) reflects on “how to write in the midst of adversity,” many authors, particularly Black and non-White minoritized authors, have had to write under tremendous circumstances in the past. In this particular piece, Davis refers specifically to the act of writing under what she calls “racial battle fatigue”—a condition brought on by the continued racial violence wrought on Black bodies. The arrival of COVID-19 in many ways has also exacerbated “racial battle fatigue,” as growing disparities in cases and deaths along racial and class lines continues to expose deep racial inequalities in the United States. Drawing on Toni Morrison’s (2015) essay No Place for Self-Pity, No Room for Fear, Davis suggests that as we continue to write in the midst of adversity—because we must if we are to construct a more just world—we should remember that “every breath is a blessing.” As graduate students of color “dissertating,” we can take heart in both Davis’s and Morrison’s messages that there is never an ideal time to write and so we breathe and keep writing. But, as I have argued here, we can put in place a series of smaller practices and patterns that allow us to take that breath and continue writing amidst diversity with perhaps a little more grace. REFERENCES Davis, A. (2020, May 29). Every breath is a blessing: How to write in the midst of adversity. Medium. https://medium.com/@angeliquemdavis72/every-breath-is-a -blessing-a7922efbbb87 Ernst, R. (2019, July 17). Stop asking if your writing is bad: Take heart tender soul. The Writing Cooperative. https://writingcooperative.com/stop-asking-if-your-writing -is-bad-ba53031fa80 Hays, S. (1996). The cultural contradictions of motherhood. Yale University Press. Jack, A. A. (2019). The privileged poor: How elite colleges are failing disadvantaged students. Harvard University Press. Khan, S. R. (2011). Privilege: The making of an adolescent elite at St. Paul’s School. Princeton University Press.

158    R. GAMEZ Mohr, T. (2014). Playing big: Find your voice, your mission, your message. Penguin Random House. Morrison, T. (2015, March 23). No place for self-pity, no room for fear: In times of dread, artists must never choose to remain silent. The Nation. https://www .thenation.com/article/archive/no-place-self-pity-no-room-fear/

ABOUT THE EDITORS

Sherella Cupid, PhD, is an independent scholar whose research centers Black girls and women in education and sister circles. Her recently co-authored publication is, “Reflection, Race, and Representation: Analyzing the Magic of the Michelle Obama Effect With and for Our Black Daughters,” in Michelle Obama and the FLOTUS Effect: Platform, Presence, and Agency (2020, Lexington Books). Montia Gardner, PhD is a school principal at KIPP Minnesota. Montia’s current research interest focuses on social and organizational capital support and its role in mitigating the disadvantages of low-SES schools. Ramon B. Goings, EdD, is an assistant professor in the language, literacy, and culture program at the University of Maryland, Baltimore County. Dr. Goings’ research interests are centered on exploring the academic and social experiences of gifted/high-achieving Black males PreK–PhD, diversifying the teacher and school leader workforce, and investigating the contributions of historically Black colleges and universities. Antione D. Tomlin, PhD, is an assistant professor and chair of academic literacies and English at Anne Arundel Community College. Antione’s current research interests focus on exploring the experiences of Black male teachers in Baltimore.

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Quantrilla Y. Ard, PhD, is a behavioral scientist who educates on the deleterious effects of Black maternal and infant morbidity and mortality in several spaces. Standing on her research and a growing body of literature on this topic, she advocates for and amplifies the voices of Black birthing people as a means of supporting the elimination of this health disparity with the tools of awareness and empowerment. Rebeca Gamez, PhD, is currently a postdoctoral researcher at the Johns Hopkins School of Education. Rebeca’s current research interests include relational and comparative race and ethnicity, immigration, and educational inequality, with a focus on how linguistically and ethnoracially minoritized youth (Latinxs, Afro-Latinxs, and African Americans) navigate their schooling, learning, and ethnoracial identities. Whitneé L. Garrett-Walker, PhD, successfully defended her dissertation titled, “Replanting a Wild Seed: Black Women School Leaders Subverting Ideological Lynching,” from the University of San Francisco, School of Education. This Fall, she began her post as an assistant professor of educational leadership, policy and social diversity at University of Toronto, Ontario Institute for Studies in Education. Her research program centers an exploration Black women’s positionality and resistance as school leaders. Her current research goes beyond collecting the experiences of Black women school leaders and opens the door to understanding how intersectionality is a necessary pillar of learning for educators of all levels. As a former school

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leader herself, she believes that there is much to learn from the experiences of Black women school leaders as we begin to reconstruct the meaning of learning and leading in our current context of a global health pandemic and racial reckoning. Dr. Garrett-Walker believes in the power of melding theory with practice as a focal point of empowering educational leaders to transform outcomes for historically marginalized educators and youth. She is a wife, mother, daughter, granddaughter, sister, auntie and friend. Eric Jackson is an education analyst at the Maryland Higher Education Commission and a doctoral candidate in the higher education administration program at Morgan State University. Eric’s current research interest focuses on Black male masculinity and gender identity development in undergraduate students. Michiko M. Kealoha directs the Center for Student Life and Leadership Development at Cañada College, a community college in the heart of Silicon Valley, California. She is also an instructor of leadership studies in the institution’s Education and Human Development Department. She received a Master of Arts in educational administration with an emphasis in leadership and student affairs from the University of the Pacific and is currently a doctoral student at the University of San Francisco, studying international and multicultural education with an emphasis in human rights. Her research interests include human rights education, counternarratives and storytelling through the arts, and social movements. Tunisia Lumpkin is a doctoral candidate in the Language Literacy and Culture program at University of Maryland, Baltimore County (UMBC). Her research interests are Black hair/Black body politics. Tunisia assisted in the creation of The Black Hair Syllabus, which is an online repository of resources about Black hair. In addition, she wrote an article for In Media Res entitled “Natural Black Hair: The New Class in School,” addressing hair discrimination young Black children face in educational settings. Arpita Mandal is a visiting lecturer in English at Mount Holyoke College. Her research interests include postcolonial literature and theory, trauma theory, and human rights. Alpha A. Martínez-Suárez is a PhD fellow in culture, language, and literacy at The University of Texas at San Antonio. Two-time Academy for Teacher Excellence Presidential Distinguished Scholar, 2020’s Golden Feather awardee, and co-founder of the Focused Library for the Dreamers’ Center at UTSA. Areas of interest include social justice in education, teachers as advocates for historically marginalized populations, as well as language

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teacher education to pre-service teachers on Hispanic Serving and Minority Serving Institutions. Channing J. Mathews, PhD, is a postdoctoral research fellow in Department of Psychology at North Carolina State University. Dr. Mathews’ research interests include examining the theoretical and empirical overlaps of ethnic-racial identity and critical consciousness in Black and Latinx youth development. Her recently co-authored publication, “Mapping the Intersections of Adolescents’ Ethnic-Racial Identity and Critical Consciousness,” serves as the theoretical model that informs her work in schools and in civic contexts. Iris Minor is a doctoral student in the College of Education at Florida Atlantic University. Her scholarship is focused on Black feminism and examines the importance of cultural safe spaces in predominately White colleges and universities. She serves the education community locally and nationally by partnering with grassroots organizations such as BrownSchooling and Social Justice Parenting. Nadika Paranamana, MA, MA, is a doctoral candidate in clinical psychology at the University of Hartford. Nadi’s academic, clinical, and advocacy work is grounded in a robust social justice framework. Her current research interests focus on advancing clinical and phenomenological understanding of schizophrenia spectrum disorders, and addressing mental health needs of underrepresented, marginalized groups/communities such as immigrants, refugees, asylum seekers, and people of color. Andréa Rodriguez, MA, MA, EdHD (she/her/ella). Andréa Rodriguez’s lived experience as a first-generation high school non-native English-speaking Latina shapes the lens through which she sees and interacts with the world, both professionally and personally. With over 15 years of higher education experience, Andréa serves as the director of the Coalition of Urban Serving Universities (USU)/Association of Public and Land-grant Universities (APLU) and leads the Frontier Set initiative, a major Bill and Melinda Gates grant, in APLU/USU’s portfolio. Leveraging her training in DEI in the workplace and foundations in design thinking, Andréa partners with higher education institutions to increase their sustainability and scalability student success efforts. Before this role, Andréa held positions at both 2- and 4-year universities, supporting faculty, students, and staff on multiple initiatives. Besides her work at APLU/USU, Andréa serves part-time as the principal research assistant with Gold Enterprises, LLC, co-leading DEI efforts. With a particular emphasis on equity, access, and social justice, her experience and knowledge allow her to lead multiple organizational and institutional projects. Andréa earned her bachelor of science and master of arts from The College at Brockport, SUNY. She later pursued a master of education from George Washington University

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in 2014. She is currently completing her doctor of education (EdD) in leadership and management, focusing on policy at Drexel University. Shawn S. Savage is a doctoral candidate in the Department of Teaching, Learning, and Society in the Lynch School of Education and Human Development at Boston College. His specialization in the program is leadership, policy, and educational change (with critical perspectives). Previously, he earned a master’s degree (MEd) in educational administration from Boston College, as well as a Post-Graduate Diploma in Education (PGDipEd.) in language education: English, and a bachelor’s degree (BA) in English from the University of the West Indies, Mona. He has over 10 years of experience in K–12 and higher education. A diversity, equity, inclusion, and justice scholar-practitioner, Savage’s research investigates issues of access, equity, and justice in K–12, teacher education, and higher education. He especially investigates the experiences of racially minoritized boys, young men, and adult men across their educational and professional lives. Shawn S. Savage is also a graduate student representative of the American Educational Research Association’s Critical Examination of Race, Ethnicity, Class, and Gender in Education special interest group. And he is one of the University of Texas at Austin’s 2020–2021 Project MALES graduate scholars. Michelle C. Sermon is a PhD candidate at the University of Maryland, Baltimore School of Social Work. Michelle’s research centers the Black experience in examining the intersection of racialization, trauma, and historical events among African Americans in rural, southern communities. Tamela C. Thomas, PhD is an assistant professor of teacher leadership at Kennesaw State University in Kennesaw, GA. Her research interests include critical instructional leadership practice, educational policy creation and implementation, feminist-based pedagogies, STEM education, and the social contexts of education. Dr. Thomas’ work centers experience as expertise to critically interrogate how we make sense of and enact policy in schools. Francena Turner, PhD, is a CLIR fellow and postdoctoral associate for data curation in African American heritage and culture at the Maryland Institute for Technology in the Humanities housed at the University of Maryland, College Park. Francena’s current research interests focus on exploring the educational histories of Black women with particular attention paid to their matriculation through HBCUs as well as HBCU based student activism. Her most recent co-authored publication is “Mobilizing Betrayal: Black Feminist Pedagogy and Black Women Graduate Student Educators” published in Gender, Work, & Organization.

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Patricia M. Virella, PhD is an assistant professor at Montclair State University in the Educational Leadership department. Dr. Virella applies critical lenses and qualitative methods to investigate how school leaders enact equity-oriented leadership through crises. Dr. Virella also investigates how educational reform policies shape school leaders’ equity-orientation and impact districts that serve marginalized communities. Dr. Virella seeks to answer research questions to enable transformation and liberation in school leaders, districts, and policies. Nadejda Isha Webb is an immigrant Afro-Indu mama and scholar. She is currently a PhD candidate at Vanderbilt University. Her research studies the intersections of new media with histories of race, politics, and visual culture.