Darkness Visible: A Memoir of Madness 0394588886, 9780394588889

Citation preview

DARKNESS

Wisi A

OF

BLE

MEMOIR

MADNESS

WILLIAM

STYRON

About the Author the author of

STYRON

WILLIAM

Darkness, The Quiet Dust. Prize,

Long

is

March,

of Nat

Confessions

the

Medal, and

He

has

Roxbury,

Haven,

Massachusetts.

,

©

1990

the the

awarded

and

New

York, N.Y.

U.S.A.

Random

House,

Inc.

in

The

Pulitzer Howells

Medal.

He

Vineyard

Steven Snider

design:

in

Down

and This

Choice,

MacDowell

Connecticut,

lives in

Lie

House on Fire,

Book Award,

Edward

Jacket

This

Sophie's

been

American

the

Set

Turner,

10022

“Mr. Styron’s description of his climactic night of ‘despair beyond despair’ moved me (a healthy, nondepressive personality) to the felt I was facing my own death. point that Here is an example of refined in the fire of experience: the writing so pure one hardly aware of the ink on the page.” —EpDMUND Morris

I

art

is

is

the summer 1985, William Styron was overpersistent insomnia and a troubling malaise—the first signs sense a deep depression that would engulf his life and leave him on the brink of suicide. In Darkness Visible a great novelist describes his devastating descent into depression, taking us on an unprecedented journey into the realm of madness. Expanded from his celebrated Vanity In

of

taken by

of

of

Fair piece,

this

moving

of

memoir

is

an

intimate

Styron’s ordeal, as well as portrait of the agony a probing look an illness that affects millions but still widely misunderstood. is “To most of those who have experienced Styron writes, “the horror of depression is so overwhelming as to be quite beyond expression.’ Through Styron’s remarkable candor and description, we come truly to underpowers stand the anguish of a mind desperate unto death. We are moved yet not depressed by his account: with him, feel uplifted by a sense of catharsis can at last begin to fathom depression’s dark reality. at

it”

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ISBN

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LSO A ALSO

BY Y B

ILLIAM W WILLIAM

TYRON SS$TYRON

Darkness Lie Doun Doun in Lie in Darkness March The Long The Long March Fire This House House on Set This Ser on Fire Turner The Confessions Nat Confessions of a t Turner of N The Choice Sophie's Choice Sophie's This Quiet Dust Quiet Dust This

DDARKNESS ARKNESS PISIBLE ISIBLE V

DARKNESS D ARKNESS DISIBLE V ISIBLE

OD Al H

Mlemoir M emoir of of

Hladness Madness QD & p

WILLIAM W ILLIAM TYRON SSTYRON

RANDOM HOUSE R ANDOM H OUSE

YORK // NNEW E W YORK

OPP POOPIE

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gl]

LIMP

& 1992 by William William Sryron Seyron Copyright Copynght & 1999 Alll rights under Incernanonal International and and teserved under Ail rights reserved Published iinn Conventions. Published Pan-American Copyright Copycight Conventions. Pan-Amencan Random House, United States Staces by House, Inc., Inc., the United by Random the by and simultaneously Canade York, and by Canada n i New New York, simultaneously in Canada Limited, Toronto, Random House House of Canada Limited, Toronto. Random work was Parr ooff tthis h i s work Parr was eniginatly originally 1989. Fair iinn 198g. in Vamicy Vanigy Fair published published in

data of Congress Library of Library Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Cataloging-in-Publication dara William Seyron, Seyron, William. madness! ¢ William William Seyron. Seyron. of madness memoir memoir of om, PP. 5-394-58888-6 IISBN S B N o-394-58E888-6 Mental— health. Willkam—Menral health. 2 . Depresuion, Depression, Mental— Seyron, Willam-—Menral 1 Seyron, Pauients—United States—Buography. Menral— 3. Depression, Farients—United States—Biography. Depression, Mental— behavior. Title States—Suicidal behavior. Patients—United Stares—>Suicidal 1. Title. Patienrs—LUnired Darkness visible visible Darkness

2 ©a

tm.

2.

1

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1.

RC537-$88 EC537.588

1990 1992

616.83'27’s092—-de29 "noga—de2o 616.8%"27

Staces ooff America Manufactured iann the Uniced Sraces America the United Manufactured 24689753 24689753 First Edition Edition First

0-3141 990-5381

Rose To Rose To

OTE AUTHOR'S & § NNOTE

ALVTHGOGR

book began began lecture given Baltimore in as a lecture This book in Baltimore in May May given in asa disorders sponsored 1989 aatt a affective disorders 1989 a symposium sponsored symposium onaffective on

of Psychiatry The Johns by the Department by the Psychiatry of The Johns HopDeparcment of kins U of Medicine. Medicine. Greatly School of kins n i v e r s i t y School expanded, University Greatly expanded, became an the tcext December of of the e x t became an essay published iinn December essay published had originally intended intended ttoo that year Fair. II had that in Vanity Vanity Fair. year in made ttoo Pacis—a Pacis—a crip with r i p II made i t h a narrative begin begin w narrative of a ttcip crip of

a

for m for n tterms e r m s ooff tthe he mee iin from which had which II had the depressive development of development of the illness from depressive illness which had had special which ignificance special s significance

suffered. Bur But despite the exceptionally suffered. mount exceptionally ample despite the ample aamount the magazine, there was of space by the magazine, there was given was an of an space [I was given by favor iinevitable n e v i t a b l e llimit, i m i t , aand n d [| hhad a d ttoo ddiscard i s c a r d tthis h i s ppare a r t iin n favor

off other other m o atters marters

wanted tcoo deal deal with. with. IIn the present | wanred n the present has been been restored restored ttoo its version. h a t section section has place aatt version, tthat its place the few for beginning. the beginning. Excepr relatively minor Except for a fewrelatively I

changes n d aadditions, d d i t i o n s , tthe changes aand he

of tthe rest h e trext ext re m a i n s as rest of remains as

iitt originally appeared. appeared. S. — W . S. —w.

DARKNESS VISIBLE

the thing For the which For thing which feared is is come II greatly greatly feared come upon me, upon me, and chat afraid ooff that which which |I was and was afraid Is come Is come uato me. unto me.

in

neither | was nnoto t i n safety, safety, neither 1

had II rrese, neither was e s t , neither had was |I quiet; quiet; trouble came. yer came. yer trouble —~Job —Job

OCTOBER OOFF ON N OCTOBER A T E IIN V E N I N G LLATE H I L L Y EEVENING N A CCHILLY N PARIS I[x parts O the struggle first became became fully 1985 with that the fully aware aware that | first 1085 struggle with had enwhich in che mind—a disorder scruggle which had enthe disorder i n my my mind—a struggle

I

have a a several monchs—might me for faral ourfor several gaged fatal outmonths—mighr have gaged me revelation came The mmoment the car came as n as the car iin o m e n t of revelation come. The come. moved down down a rain-slick street which II was ot which a rain-slick was riding moved street nnoc

of

far from frorn the Champs-Elysées and a dully and slid the Champs-Elysées glowdully glowslid past far past a

|

had nnot read H HOTEL WASHINGTON. ot A S H I N G T O N . | had sign tthat OTEL W h a t read neon sign ing neon since the hotel iin the nearly thirty-five years, n nearly h a t hotel seen tthat seen years, since when for had become become of 1952, several nights forseveral spring nights iitt had 1952, when spring of few first few the first Parisian roosting initial Parisian place. IIn n the my my initial roosting place.

to

down Paris by by | had come of my Wanderjahr, Wanderjabr, 1had months ofmy t o Paris months come down landed Hécel Washand landed from Copenhagen, Washthe Hétel train from a t the train Copenhagen, and

at

New the whimsical whimsical determination of aa New determination of ington through the ington through York cravel hotel was the hotel those days of the the days the was one one of n those g e n t . IIn travel aagent. York for tourists, made for hostelries made chiefly damp, plain plain hostelries many rourists, chiefly many damp, who, if they were like modest means American, of of very they were like means who, American, very modest first time the with the the first time with nervously for the me—colliding me—colliding nervously

if

~

33

drol! kinks—would and their French and kinks—would always remember their droll always remember French drab how the exotic bidet, the drab n the the exotic solidly iin bidet, positioned how positioned solidly far down down che coilet far ill-lit the coilet along with the bedroom, bedroom, along ill-lit between Gallic defined the chasm between Gallic the chasm hallway, virtually defined hallway, che

che Washand Anglo-Saxon Washcultures. But |I stayed stayed aart the and Anglo-Saxon cultures. had been been for only short ttime. Within days i m e . Within days II had ingron only a short ington for found the of by newly urged u t of the place urged oour place by some some newly found young young friends who American friends who g me installed even installed iinn an o t me an even Ametican got hard colorful hotel hotel in seedier but but more more colorful in Montparnasse, Montparnasse, hard seedier Le Ddme Déme and other suitably suitably licerary literary hangouts. (In and other by by Le hangouts. {In and first novel novel and a d just mid-twenties, II hhad m published 2a first just published myy mid-twenties, few low rank since few of very was rank since one of was a a celebrity, celebrity, though though one very low fet had heard heard of of my the Americans Americans in in Paris Paris had book, let of the of my book, read iit.) the Hotel alone read And over Hérel Washingthe years t . ) And alone over the years the from my consciousness. gradually disappeared disappeared from my consciousness. when [| It reappeared, October night when reappeared, hhowever, h a t October o w e v e r , tthat Ir and the the recfacade in the gray t o n e facade passed drizzle, and passed the reca drizzle, in a gray sstone before started arrival so started of my ollection of ollection so many my arrival many years years before on tton

back, causing flooding back, flooding me causing me

feel tchat tco o feel hat

had come come II had

when II full circle. circle. I recall recall saving h a t when fatally full myself tthat saying ttoo myself fatally be lefc Paris for NNew Paris for left e w YYork o r k tthe h e aaext ext m o r n i n g iitt wwould o u l d be morning shaken by che certainty with wich by che forever. 1| was offorever. a was shaken a matter matter of I

idea that would never France which II accepted the idea that II would accepted the never see see France which that again, u s t as o u l d never capture a a lucidity thac as || wwould never r erecapture again, jjuse from with speed. g n speed. i y f i r r e t h t i w e m from away was was slipping me terrifying slipping away

44

before ] had sufferhad concluded concluded tchat was sufferdays before h a t II was Only days and was from a serious depressive founillness, and depressive illness, ing was flouna serious ing from dering deal ic. I in wasn'e my efforts with ic. I wasn'c efforts ttoo deal with helplessly i n my deringhelplessly 1

cheered by had brought that had by the occasion that o festive occasion cheered me tto festive brought me dreadful manifestations France. O manifestations of of the Off the the many the France. many dreadful che

both physical of and psychological, disease, both disease, a sense sense of psychological, a physical and failure oof fselfless categorically, selfu t less self-hatred—or, self-hatred—or, pput categorically, a failure

of the the m o s t universally esteem—is experienced universally experienced one of esteem—is one most and more and | had from a had suffered suffered more more from y m p t o m s , and ssymptoms, a more and of worchlessness had prothe malady worrhlessness as feeling of malady had as the general general feeling protherefore all dank joylessness the more was therefore gressed. My all the gressed, My dank joylessness was more 1

had flown flown on rushed four-day because |I had ironic because four-day trip on a a rushed ironic trip

o tto

should have award which Paris iin which should have order ttoo accept Paris n order an award accept an h a t summer tthat summer [I been chosen received word word that the had been chosen ro receive the co receive that [| had received Prix Mondial Cino del del Duca, Duca, given Mondial Cine given annually tcoo an Prix an

restored my Earlier sparklingly sparklingly restored ego. Earlier my ego.

work reflects reflects themes themes or whose work artist or scientist whose or prinartist or scientist estabof 2a certain “humanism.” The The prize was estabciples ciples of certain “humanism.” prize was del Duca, lished iin Cino del Duca, an of Cino an immigrant n memory lished memory of immigrant and after after from Italy before and amassed 2a fortune forcune just who amassed from Italy who just before and distributing War I] World War cheap magprinting and I I byprinting World disttiburing cheap magby

branchlater branchbooks, tthough h o u g h later r i n c i p a l l y comic azines, comic books, azines, pprincipally became of quality; he became ing u t into publications of quality; he into publications ing oour of the He also the newspaper also proParis-jour. He proprietor pronewspaper Paris-Jour. proprietor of duced movies racehorse owner, and was a prominent movies and duced was a owner, prominenc racehorse 33

winners iin France of having the pleasure enjoying n France pleasure of having many enjoying the many winners for nobler nobler culcural culcural satisfactions, and abroad. abroad. Aiming satisfactions, he he and Aiming for renowned pphilanthropist evolved iinto the evolved n t o a renowned h i l a n c h r o p i s t aand n d zalong l o n g che firm that established aa book-publishing that began way began tcoo book-publishing firm way established works of first of literary chance, my produce produce works (by chance, lirerary merit (by my frst Duca’s offerde! Duca's Darkness, was Lie Down in Darkness, of del offernovel, novel, LieDown was one one of enticled Un de Ténébresy, Un Lis Lit de by che Ténébres), by translation entitled the ings, ings, iinn aa translacion time of Editions Mondithis house, death in 1967 this house, Editions his death time in 1967 of his

became an of aa multifold multifold empire ales, became entity of ales, an important empire important entity be sscant for chere rich ver there tcoo be cant enough for h a t was tthat was rich prestigious enough yer prestigious ics comic-book comic-book o Duca’s off its e l Duca’s h e n ddel r i g i n s wwhen memory origins memory o

created a ffoundation funcwhose chief chief funcSimone, created o u n d a t i o n whose widow, widow, Simone, award. bestowal of che eponymous of the the annual annual bestowal tion tion was was the eponymous award. Mondial Cino del Duca become greatly Prix Mondial Cino del Duca has has become The Prix greatly The

nation for onlyfor only

besocted wwith France—e n a t i o n pleasantly ith n France—a s p e c t e d iin r erespected pleasantly besotred izegiving—not u l t u r a l p rprizegiving—not cculcural

eclecticism aand nd ies its eclecticism

in

choice shown the distinction the choice distinction shown but t s recipients in the the recipients but ofofiits for che the openhandedness of the which thar itself, which the prize that for openhandedness of prize itself, the amounted ttoo approximately $$25.200. 2 5 , 5 0 0 . Among the year year amounted

been KonKonhave been w i n n e r s dduring u r i n g tthe h e past w e n t y vears winners years have past ttwenty Lorenz, Alejo nazio a d Lorenz, rrad Alejo Carpentier, Anouilh, I gIgnazio Jean Ancuilh, Carpentier. Jean and one Andrei Sakharov. Sakharov. Jorge Luis Borges Silone, Andrei Silone, Borges and one Jorge Luis femMumford. {(No Lewis Mumford. American, Lewis N o women American, as yer, women as yet, fem-

I it

found As aann American, American. I found inists ttake especially i t especially o t e . } As a k e nnote.) inists

hard hard

ot nnot

o tco

feel honored honored by inclusion in their feel by inclusion

a6

omccom-

and receiving che giving and of prizes pany. prizes usually usually pany. While the receiving of induce from from all all sources of false induce uprising of false unhealthy uprising sources an an unhealthy self-corcure and and envy, modesty, own modesty, backbiting, backbiting, self-torture envy, my my own is tthat view is awards, though view h a t certain certain awards, o t necessary, can though nnot necessary, can be very del Duca nice ttoo receive. receive. The Prix del Duca was The Prix be was ttoo me me very nice

so t r a i g h t f o r w a r d l y nice h a t any so sstraightforwardly nice tthat any

silly,

eextensive xtensive

selfself

and so eexamination x a m i n a t i o n seemed seemed silly, and so ||

accepted gratefully, accepted gratefully, would honor honor the reasonable the reasonable would

in reply writing hat | ceply tthat writing in be present for the the ceremony. requirement h a t II be requirement tchat present for ceremony. At looked forward forward tro a leisurely time II looked tthat h a t time o a leisurely crip, ot 2 a crip, nnot been able able ttoo foresee foresee m Had hasty urnaround. H a d II been hasty tturnaround. state myy state I

award approached, the award off m mind date ooff the o i n d as h e date as tthe ould approached, 1I wwould

all. all. of mood, disorder of mood, so Depression Depression is is a a disorder so mysteriously mysteriously

have accepted nnot o t have accepted aat t

and elusive elusive iin becomes known known tto the the way painful and painful n the o the way iitt becomes

self—to tthe close troo intellect—as ttoo verge selff—to h e mediating mediating intellect—as verge close remains nearly inbeing beyond description. thus remains being beyond nearly indescription. I{tt thus those who who have have nnot it comprehensible o t experienced experienced it comprehensible ttoo those its eexereme blues” mode, although iinn its x t r e m e mode, the gloom, “the blues” although the gloom, “the and associate wwhich h i c h people h r o u g h occasionally people ggoo tthrough occasionally and associate hassle of with of everyday w i t h tthe h e ggeneral e n e r a l hassle everyday existence existence are are

of of

such prevalence do give individuals aa such h a t they prevalence tthat they do many individuals give many illness in ies catastrophic form. But But ar the hint of of the the illness hint in its at che catastrophic form. which | write had ddescended far past those of which write 1 had time of e s c e n d e d far past those doldrums. In able | familiar, familiar, mmanageable Paris, I aam a n a g e a b l e doldrums. I n Paris, m able ttoo I]

]

of

the development critical stage development of a critical see see now, was ar at a now, |I was stage iinn the bethe disease, situated aatt aann oominous station bedisease, situated m i n o u s way the way station its ttween w e e n its

and unfocused stirrings earlier tchat scirrings earlier unfocused h a t summer and

which sent the near-violent near-violene denouement denouement ooff December, December, which the sent will later describe later attempt che hospital. inco che meinco hospital. II will accempt ttoo describe me

from its its earliest earliest origins of this this malady, malady, from the evolution evolution of the origins o m tto myy

and recovery, bur the the eventual hospitalization eventual hospitalization and recovery, but

for me. retained a Paris trip has has retained notable meaning me. a notable Paris meaning for award ceremony, which was the day of the the award On the day of was co co On ceremony, which and be be followed followed by formal lunchtake place luncha formal by a tzke noon and place aatt noon the woke u room aatt the at midmorring eon, midmorning iinn m eon, |I woke myy room upp ar felt that II felt H otel P o n t - R o y a l commenting Hérel Pont-Royal commenting ttoo myself that word along and [I passed che good good word passed che along ttoo reasonably reasonably sound, sound, and HalRose. Aided wife, Rose. Aided by the minor minor tranquilizer Halby the my my wife, and ger had managed defeat my insomnia and cion, II had managed ttoo defeac cion, my insomnia get aa faic spirits. But such few hours’ in faic such hours’ sleep. Thus |I was spirics. But few was in sleep. Thus knew which I knew cheer was habitual pretense w a n cheer wan was an an habitual pretense which £

or| little, ffor little,

very e a n t very m meant

1

becertain ttoo feel feel ghastly was ghastly bewas certain

where II was was o a tcto a point where each phase of my monitoring phase of deterioracing my deteriorating monitoring each followed sevof the the illness illness followed condition. M sevcondition. Myy acceptance acceptance of 1 fore nighefall. had come nighcfall. 1 had come fore

ccarefully arefully

eral months of denial which, months of denial during eral ducing which,

aatt

had first, II had first,

of and sudden sudden fits ascribed the and restlessness restlessness and the malaise malaise and fies of ascribed from aalcohol; withdrawal from aanxiety n x i e t y ttoo withdrawal! l c o h o l ; [[ hhad ad a bruptly abruprly all other incoxicanrs that that June. June. other incoxicanrs a n d all b a n d o n e d whiskey a abandoned whiskey and

8

of my emotional climate climate the course course of worsening emotional During During the my worsening had read read a the subject of deprescertain aamount II had depressubject of m o u n t on on the a certain books and in cailored in for che both n a m y a l che for tailored books in both sion, tayman and sion, works including the psychiaweightier professional works psychiaincluding the weightier professional Statistical ManDSM (The trists’ bible, (The Diagnostic Manand Statistica! trists’ Diagnostic and bible, DSM the American American Prychiatric Association). Throughout ual of the Psychiatric Association). ual Throughout been compelled, much of have been of mylife life |I have much perhaps uncompelled, perhaps my

become an and have have autodidact iinn medicine, wisely, wisely, to an autodidact medicine, and to become knowlamateur’s knowlaccumulated aa better-than-average accumulated berter-than-average amateur's medical matters about medical which many of my edge about edge t o which matters ((to many of my often defecred), and so have often friends, surely friends, deferred), and surely unwisely, so iitt unwisely, have thac [I w close ttoo a a astonishment ttoo me a s close came came as was me chac as an an astonishment total iignoramus about depression, h i c h can g n o r a m u s about toral depression, wwhich as can bbee as affair as medical affair Mose serious a a medical diabetes or as diabetes serious cancer. Most or cancer. had subcondepressive, likely, as subconalways had I depressive, likely, as an always an incipient incipient the proper rejected or sciously rejeceed knowledge; iitt sciously or ignored ignored the proper knowledge; I

it

shoved aside and [[ shoved close ro the psychic bone, and i t aside u t too ccut coo close psychic bone, ro the

of information. unwelcome addition my information. addition ttoo my as an score of as an unwelcome score few hours the depresthe few when the At any hours when depresAr rate, during during che any race, eased off off long itself eased he sive sstate long enough t a t e itself sive permit tche enough tcoo permir I had recently filled this of concentration, this vacluxury of recently filled luxury vacconcentration, I had absorbed and [f had had absorbed with fairly fairly extensive reading and extensive reading uum with uum and troubling facts, which, however, which, however, many fascinating fascinating and many troubling facts, could nnot honest The m most use. The o s t honest o t pur [ could practical use. put ttoo practical face thar face up deche fact that serious authorities authosities face o che serious desquare tto up square T

99

is nnot crearable. Unlike, let us pression readily crearable. o t readily Unlike, let pression is us say, say,

where immediate taken tto diabeces, where immediate measures o rearrange diabetes, measures taken rearrange

re-

the body's a n dramatically l u c o s e ccan o gglucose d a p t a t i o n tto che body's aadapration dramatically r e and bring iitt under a dangerous under control, verse dangerous process control, verse a process and

quickly failure ofalleviation available remedy: che of che remedy: failure available alleviation is is one one of faccors o reveals off tthe m o s t distressing h e ddisorder i s o r d e r as as iitt reveals most distressing factors in its depression depression in its major major

stages no stages possesses possesses no of

the victim, and one chat helps viceim, and itself ttoo the situate iitt helps situate itself one chat of grave diseases. Excepr the category in squarely squarely in in the Excepr in category of grave diseases. maladies strictly designated dethose maladies those as malignant or demalignanc or designated as kind of of treatment and evensome kind gBeneracive, enerative, w evenwee expect treatment and expect seme ttual ual

diet by pills amelioranon. or diet amelioration. by or physical pills or physical therapy therapy or

from che with a the initial inicial a logical logical progression or or surgery, surgery, with progression from of ssymptoms final cure. che relief of relief y m p t o m s tro o final cure. Frighceningly, Frighteningly, che from major layman-sufferer from depression, taking peek layman-sufferer taking aa peek major depression, books currently the many the market, marker, some into some of the on the currently on many books

of

find much and sympromawill find much in che way will of theory in che theory and way of symproma-

and verv chat legitimately little thar the tology tology and legitimately suggests very little suggests the do claim claim an Those tthat possibility of rescue. Those an easy possibility of quick rescue. h a t do easy w a yout o u rare are glib aand n d most fraudulent. TThere h e r e are likely fraudulent. are most likely way decent popular che which intelligently decent o r k s which intelligently point popular wworks point the how coward ttreatment and cure, w a y toward r e a t m e n t and cure, demonstrating demonstrating how way certain therapies—psychotherapy certain or pharmacology. cherapies—psychotherapy or pharmacology. or or of chese—can indeed rescore chese—can indeed a combination combination of a people ttoo restore people health iin but ast he m u t tthe n aalll l b health most Irs

evastating nd d persistent devastating persistent aand

books among underscore the the but the the wisest them underscore wisest books cases; cases; bur among them hard cruch do nnot truth thar that serious o t disappear hard depressions do serious depressions disappear of this All of essential chough this emphasizes emphasizes an chough overnight. an essential overnight. All needs stating chink needs which I chink the ouedifficult reality reality which difficult at the ourstating ac disease of chronicle: rhe of my of depression the disease set depression reset of reown chronicle: my own I

mains mains

r e a t mystery. 2 a ggreat mystery.

has yielded yielded its o e c r e t s tco IItt has irs ssecrets

far more chan many the other of the other science science far more reluctantly reluctantly chan many of

and sometimes The intense major ills intense and ills beserzing major sometimes us. The besetting us. factionalism that chat exists stridenc factionalism comically strident exists in comically in presentpresentbelievers iin between che the believers schism between day psychiatry—the n day psychiatry—the schism and the adherents of of pharmacology— the adherents psychotherapy psychotherapy and pharmacology— resembles medical of che the medical quarrels enresembles the quarrels of the eighteenth eighteenth ccenbleed or and almost defines iin bleed) and (to bleed almost defines n o t to tury to bleed) or nnor tury (co the inexplicable of depression difand the the difitself the depression and a t u r e of itself inexplicable nnature the field cold ficulty of clinician iinn the its ttreatment. field cold r e a t m e n t . As a clinician o f its ficuley As

a

of e f t n e s s of me me honestly and, with aa striking and, I| think, think, with striking ddeftness wich Columknowledge wich you compare I f you analogy: analogy: ““If Columcompare our knowledge bus’s discovery America is of America, is yer discovery of America, America bus’s unknown; yet unknown; down on still down island in in the that lirrle Baharnas.” weare are still the Bahamas.” little island on thar we

had l elearned, In myreading for example, that in a r n e d , for reading I had In example, that in aatt my

I

least one was atypical, w n case least atypical. one interesting case was respect my my oown interesting respect illness are the illness are the laid low effect thar low in che morning, malefic effect such malefic that i t h such laid in rhe morning, wwith fee! better of bed. bed. They better only unable ttoo gget u t of e t oout they They feel they are are unable only

suffer from who begin from Most people Most begin tto people who o suffer

che day But my on. the day wears as che a s just situation wwas But as wears on. just the my situation 1 1a1

able ttoo rise cise and and function While II was function almost almost reverse. reverse. While was able earlier parr the day, the earlier normally u r i n g the day, |I began began rco o normally dduring part ooff the of the the ssymptoms midafternoon or the oonset y m p t o m s ac n s e t of sense sense the ac midafrernoon or 2a

of

a

dread sense of dread little lacer—gloom little on me, n on lacer—gloom crowding iin me, a sense

above I susand alienation alienation and, and, above and stifling anxiety. all, stifling susanxiety. 1 ail,

pect pect

of

ic

thar thar

indifference whether whether i t is basically basically 2a matter matter of indifference

if

suffers the the m the morning the evening: n the o s t iin one one suffers or the morning or most evening: i f of excruciating these states these states of neac-paralysis are similar, are similar, excruciating near-paralysis would the question of timing they probably as as they probably are, are, the question of timing would be academic. academic. Bur Burt iitt was the tcurndoubt the seem utnwas no no doubt seem tcoo be

chat

of tthe of ssymptoms about of about h e uusual s u a l daily daily oonset n s e t of y m p t o m s chat aalllowed me Paris ttoo proceed that merning without lowed ithout me that proceed w in Paris morning in more or mishap, the glofeeling more self-possessed, tcoo the orless less self-possessed, glomishap, feeling the Right houses Bank tthat h a t houses r n a t e palace riously on the riously oornate palace on Right Bank Cino del del Duca. Duca. There, There. in salon, the Fondation Fondation Cino the in a a rococo rococo salon, before a crowd of with of [I was resented w was ppresented i t h tthe h e aaward w a r d before m a l l crowd a ssmal! French cultural and made made m of accepcultural Agures. French speech of figures. and myyspeech accepwith what what cance tance with hat tthat

fele was passable aplomb, |I felt was passable

stating stating

while II was the bulk of my bulk of prize money while was donating donating the my prize money

French-American various fostering French-American various organizations organizations fostering

rcoo

in

the American American Hospital goodwill, Hospital i n Neuilly, goodwill, including including the Neuilly. there was a limit limit there was a

tto o

and altruism ((this altruism t h i s spoken spoken jokingly) and

would nnot be taken taken amiss if amiss if hoped it would o t be hoped

so so I small portion for myself. aa small myself. portion for did nnor What hich n d wwhich a y , aand o x ssay, h a t [ did W —-

I

[5

I

held back back II held

joke, w hat a s cchat o joke, a s nno w was was

I was for tcwo the aamount the mount 1 wo was withholding co pay was co withholding was pay for

tickets the Concorde, so the nnext the Concorde, tickets e x t day h a t |I might on the day on so tthat might Rose tto where United States, with Rose States, where the United recurn o the speedily with return speedily

to

had made before I had few days made an days before just a just to a few appointment an appointment had tto For reasons do see h a t II'm ' m sure o do sure had reasons tthae see 2a psychiatrist. psychiatrist. For with aa reluctance mind the reality with h a t my reluctance ttoo accepr reality tchat accept the my mind 1

avoided seeking had avoided aid was seeking psychiatric was dissolving, dissolving, II had psychiatric aid the past intensified. But weeks, as distress intensified. during But as my during che my distress past weeks, knew II couldn't couldn't delay confrontation indefinitely, the confrontation delay the 1I knew indefinitely, make conrace when Ii did and when with did finatly by telephone and finatly make celephone with conrace by

to

he encouraged me recommended therapist, encouraged me aa highly to highly recommended therapist, he make the would see Paris trip, he would the Paris that he me that make me see me telling me crip, telling needed returned. [II very much needed back, soon as as soon as II recurned. as to g e t back, very much get fast. Despite and fast. evidence tthat serious the evidence and was in in serious h a t II was Despite the the rosy view. wanted tro lot of of difficulty, II wanted o maincain maincain the rosy view. A lot

to

available concerning the literature literature available the depression is, as I[ is, as concerning depression

that breezily optimistic, say, assurances thar spreading assurances say, breezily optimistic, spreading all depressive reversed be stabilized will be depressive sstates stabilized or nearly all neacly t a t e s will or reversed be found; the suitable the found; the suitable antidepressant iiff only only the can be antidepressant can

is

reader is of of course reader by promises easily swayed swayed by course easily promises of quick delivered m remarks, [[ remedy. IIn remedy. n Paris, as [[ delivered Paris, even even as myy remarks, had a for the need for the day day a need had

tto o

be over, felt aa consuming be over, felt consuming

the office and the the doctor, America and of the urgency o America office of to fly tto doctor, urgency to

who would whisk my would whisk his miracumalaise aaway who w a y with his miracumy malaise lous medications. recollect tthat medications. I| recollect lous hat m o m e n t clearly clearly now, now, moment 13 3

and am believe tthat able tto such hardly able and am hardly possessed such o believe h a t II possessed could have been so have been ingenuous hope, or h a t |I could ingenuous hope, so unaware unaware or tthat ahead. and peril of the the trouble trouble and of peril tthat h a t lay lay ahead. det Duca, Simone del of dark-haired woman Duca, a large dark-haired Simone a large woman of incredulous aatt queenly manner, was understandably understandably incredulous manner, was and tthen after tthe first, and first, h e n enraged, h e n after h e presentation enraged, wwhen presentation could nnot her aatt lunch her tthat lunch told her join her ceremony h a t II could o t join ceremony |I told dozen or upstairs the great mansion, along or so so upstairs iinn the along with aa dozen great mansion, Académie Francaise, had chosen who had chosen members of of the the Académie members Francaise, who refusal was and the prize. both emphatic Myy refusal mefor for the prize. M was both emphatic and me

told her her point-blank had aarsimpleminded; h a t | had rsimpleminded; II told point-blank tthat instead ttoo have have lunch lunch aatt a ranged with my ranged instead a restaurant restaurant with my 1

French publisher, OFf course this Gallimard. O French Francoise Gallimard. course this publisher, Francoise decision on had been been andecision on my was outrageous; anmy part part was outrageous; iitt had

nounced months months before nounced before ttoo me n d everyone else conme aand coneveryone else

ccerned e r n e d tthar har a a

luncheon iin luncheon—moreover, nm luncheon—moreover, aa luncheon myy

honor—was part of beBut my honor—was the day's day's pageantry. my bepageantry. But part of the havior was havior was really really

had result of which had of the the result the illness, illness, which the

its

far enough progressed far produce some some of its m ost progressed enough tcoo produce most famous and and sinister failure of hallmarks: confusion, of confusion, failure famous sinister hallmarks: Atat a focus aand of memory. mental l a t e r stage n d lapse e n t a l focus m lapse of later memory. A my stage my of

would be be dominated disconanarchic disconentire mind mind would dominated by entire by anarchic have said, said, there there was nections; as hat o m e t h i n g tthat o w ssomething nections; as I] have was nnow resembled bbifurcation of mood: mood: lucidity of of sorts resernbled i f u r c a t i o n of n tche he sorts iin hours o afternoon off tthe murk h e afternoon n tthe u r k iin h e day, early day, gathering early hours gathering m 4 114

been during che previous and evening. have been and t must evening. IIe previous during the must have made the that [I made distractedness chat the lunchevening's evening’s murky murky distractedness del with Frangoise date with Francoise Gallimard, eon eon date Gallimard, forgetting forgetting my my del decision continued continued ttoo comThat decision Duca obligations. Duca obligations. That comsuch obme such pletely master thinking, creating master my my thinking, creating iinn me able wo determination tthat stinate determination to blandly was able stinate h a t now now II was del Duca. “Aéors/" she Duca. “Alors!” Simone del she exche worthy Simone insult insult the exflushed angrily face flushed and her face she ttoo me, as she angrily as me, and

claimed claimed

volte-face, “ax whirled iinn aa stately revoir!” Sudwhirled . . . re-voir!” stately volte-face, Sud “aw... horror aatt what with horror stunned with what denly was flabbergasted, flabbergasted, stunned denly IJ was fantasized a the hostess done. I fantasized which sac hostess table aatt which IThad had done. sac the a table

I

and che Académie Franqaise, che guest La and honor aatt La the Académie Frangaise, che guest of honor Madame’s assistant, bespectacled Coupole, assistant, aa bespectacled implored Madame's Coupole. IJ implored and an mortified expresashen, mortified woman with aa clipboard woman with an ashen, clipboard and expresterrible mistake, reinstate me: was aalll l a terrible sion, r y ttoo reinstate me: iitt was mistake, sion, tCoo ttry malentendy. And words blurred some then I| blurted And then aa mixup, some words mixup, aa malentendu.

a

lifetime of smug belief tthat h a t a lifetime of general and aa smug belief general equilibrium, equilibrium, and had preof my the impregnability iinn the psychic healeh, health, had impregnability of premy psychic from believing could ever I vented me believing II could me from ever uteer; vented I was utter; was heard myself speak chem to chilled as chilled this perfect perfect speak them as II heard to this

I

“wn probleme psychiatrique.”” said, “unproblémepsychiatvique.” seranger. m sick," | said, stranger. ““I'mU sick,"

Madame de! Duca was Madame del Duca was magnanimous in accepting magnanimous in accepting

and the off without lunch w further without further the lunch apology and my e n t off went my apology rid myself of the couldn't completely the strain, complecely rid myself of although II couldn't strain, although somewhat stiffly, chatted somewhat stiffly, tthac we chatted as we suspicion, h a t my suspicion, as my 1153

and benefactress was still disturbed disturbed by conduct and by my benefactress was still my conduct The l lunch number. The u n c h was mee a was aa long long e i r d number. hought m tthought a wweird felt myself entering the and when when iitt was one, was over over II felt entering che one, and shadows w and afternoon shadows with afternoon i t h their encroaching anxiety and encroaching anxiety dread. A television television crew national chanchanone of dread. from one ofthe the narional crew from nels was about tchem, h e m , too), a d forgotten a i t i n g ((II hhad nels too), was w forgotten about waiting Picasso M opened Picasso useum, e w l y opened h e nnewly a k e me t o ttake ready Museum, ready to me tcoo tthe be filmed filmed looking aatt the the exwhere [I was co be where supposed ro exwas supposed and exchanging This Rose. hibits and with This Rose. with comments hibits exchanging comments knew ic curned ooutu tto would, nor be, as a captivaring i t would, t o be, turned nor a as [ knew captivaring but 2 ddernanding ordeal. a major major ordeal. struggle, a emanding promenade promenade but struggle, arrived aatt tthe dealt u s e u m , having he m ime w h e ttime By having dealt wee arrived By tthe museum, I

a

traffic, iitt was four o'clock o'clock and and my with heavy heavy traffic, with was past my past four and had begun endure its begun familiar siege: brain had its familiar siege: panic panic and t o endure brain d i s l o c a t i o n , aand n d a sense hat m h o u g h t processes dislocation, sense tthat myy tthought processes tide and unnameable unnameable tide a roxic were being engulfed engulfed by by a were being oxic and

to

che living oblireraced any thar obliterated thar enjoyable response living any enjoyable response ttoo the instead of chat instead of tto o say more specifically specifically chat say more

world. This This is world. is

be should be instead of of the the pleasure pleasure II should pleasure—