Communicate Better with Everyone [1 ed.] 1647820855, 9781647820855

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WORKING PARENTS Tips, stories, and strategies for the job that never ends.

Communicate Better with Everyone

Communicate Better with Everyone

HBR WORKING PARENTS SERIES Tips, stories, and strategies for the job that never ends. The HBR Working Parents Series supports readers as they anticipate challenges, learn how to advocate for themselves more effectively, juggle their impossible schedules, and find fulfillment at home and at work. From classic issues such as work-life balance and making time for yourself to thorny challenges such as managing an urgent family crisis and the impact of parenting on your career, this series features the practical tips, strategies, and research you need to be—and feel—more effective at home and at work. Whether you’re up with a newborn or touring universities with your teen, we’ve got what you need to make working parenthood work for you. Books in the series include: Advice for Working Dads

Managing Your Career

Advice for Working Moms

Suceeding as a First-Time Parent

Communicate Better with Everyone Doing It All as a Solo Parent Getting It All Done

Taking Care of Yourself Two-Career Families

WORKING PARENTS Tips, stories, and strategies for the job that never ends.

Communicate Better with Everyone

Harvard Business Review Press Boston, Massachusetts

HBR Press Quantity Sales Discounts Harvard Business Review Press titles are available at significant quantity discounts when purchased in bulk for client gifts, sales promotions, and premiums. Special editions, including books with corporate logos, customized covers, and letters from the company or CEO printed in the front matter, as well as excerpts of existing books, can also be created in large quantities for special needs. For details and discount information for both print and ebook formats, contact [email protected], tel. 800-988-0886, or www.hbr.org/ bulksales.

Copyright 2021 Harvard Business School Publishing Corporation All rights reserved Printed in the United States of America 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form, or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise), without the prior permission of the publisher. Requests for permission should be directed to [email protected], or mailed to Permissions, Harvard Business School Publishing, 60 Harvard Way, Boston, Massachusetts 02163. The web addresses referenced in this book were live and correct at the time of the book’s publication but may be subject to change. Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Names: Harvard Business Review Press, issuing body. Title: Communicate better with everyone. Other titles: HBR working parents series. Description: Boston, Massachusetts : Harvard Business Review Press, [2021] | Series: HBR working parents series | Includes index. Identifiers: LCCN 2020054250 (print) | LCCN 2020054251 (ebook) | ISBN 9781647820831 (paperback) | ISBN 9781647820848 (ebook) Subjects: LCSH: Interpersonal communication. | Business communication. | Work and family. | Work-life balance. | Parenting. Classification: LCC HM1166 .C6525 2021 (print) | LCC HM1166 (ebook) | DDC 302.2—dc23 LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2020054250 LC ebook record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2020054251 eISBN: 978-1-64782-084-8 The paper used in this publication meets the requirements of the American National Standard for Permanence of Paper for Publications and Documents in Libraries and Archives Z39.48-1992.

CONTENTS Introduction

Can We Talk?

xiii

Find the right words when discussing what matters most. by Daisy Dowling, Series Editor

Section 1

Listen—and Be Heard Have Productive and Balanced Conversations

1. Four Conversations Every Overwhelmed Working Parent Should Have

3

With your boss, your children, your partner, and yourself. by Joseph Grenny and Brittney Maxfield

2. Set Boundaries, Foil Boundary Predators, and Say No Scripts to help you draw the line—and stand behind it. by Priscilla Claman

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Contents

3. What Great Listeners Actually Do

21

Using your “listening ears” is not enough. by Jack Zenger and Joseph Folkman

4. How to Listen When Your Communication Styles Don’t Match

29

Have better conversations with venters, belaborers, and condescenders. by Mark Goulston

5. Be Someone Others Can Confide In

37

Get beyond pleasantries. by Deborah Grayson Riegel

Section 2

Use Your Words Turn Adversarial Conversations into Civil Discourse

6. How to Make Sure You’re Heard in a Difficult Conversation Grown-ups shouldn’t point fingers or call people names, either. by Amy Gallo

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Contents

7. Eight Ways to Get a Difficult Conversation Back on Track

53

Reframe to see a partner, not an opponent. by Monique Valcour

8. When to Skip a Difficult Conversation

63

Twelve questions to help you consider what to say—or whether to delay. by Deborah Grayson Riegel

Section 3

Mentioning the Unmentionables Tough Discussions at Work

9. Communicating Through a Personal Crisis

71

How—and how much—to disclose. by Sabina Nawaz

10. When You Need to Take Time Off Work for Mental Health Reasons

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It’s much harder to talk about than carpal tunnel surgery. by Barbara Ricci

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11. Asking for an Extended Leave for a Family Issue

87

Adopt a problem-solving approach. by Denise M. Rousseau

Section 4

Table Talk Tough Discussions with Your Family

12. How to Negotiate with Your Kids

101

When they all seem to be lawyers-in-training. by Mary C. Kern and Terri R. Kurtzberg

13. Help Your Partner Cope with Work Stress

111

Lighten the load of bad bosses, looming layoffs, and crazy-making clients. by Rebecca Knight

14. What You Should Tell Your Kids About Finding a Career And a few things you definitely shouldn’t say. by James M. Citrin

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Contents

Section 5

If You Can’t Say Something Nice . . . Keep Your Self-Talk Positive

15. How to Talk to Yourself with Compassion

129

Hush harsh inner dialogue. by Alice Boyes

16. Make Peace with Your Inner Critic

139

Don’t let fear and self-doubt have the last word. An Interview with Tara Mohr by Sarah Green Carmichael

Epilogue

Last Word 17. Being a Parent Made Me a Better Manager, and Vice Versa

149

Our children are our best and most honest judges. by Jelena Zikic

Notes

155

About the Contributors

159

Index

167

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INTRODUCTION

Can We Talk? by Daisy Dowling

Y

ou’re no beginner when it comes to communicating—you wouldn’t be where you are today if you didn’t know how to talk to people and get your point across, and how to listen, too. Over the years, you’ve fielded tough interview questions and still gotten the job, dealt with prickly coworkers and managed to keep the peace at work, and both delivered and received your fair share of difficult feedback. It’s no different on the home front, either. After navigating your family’s gettogethers during the holidays, you could probably teach a diplomacy class. And you know how to be kind but firm with your children, and how to really listen when they talk (or babble, if they’re small) to you. Of course, just like everybody else, you find your palms getting a little sweaty before you speak to a crowd, but for the most part, both personally and professionally, you know how to communicate. xiii

Introduction

But what about those times when the personal and professional intersect—how good are you at communicating then? As someone who wants to succeed on the job and be a loving, present, nurturing father or mother, how confident are you in having important conversations that cover both at the same time? Maybe, like so many of the working parents I’ve coached over the past several years, you’re grappling with how to: • Explain your working-parent schedule to a new boss or skeptical coworkers. • Write your annual self-review in a year when you went to major lengths to “take care of business” at home so you could keep performing at work. • Find the right words to tell your colleagues—none of whom have kids—that you’re expecting your second child. • Figure out a way to talk to your partner about all the extra hours they have been putting in recently, without it starting a major domestic skirmish. • Ask your child’s caregiver to stay late when you suddenly have to work overtime. • Renegotiate your work responsibilities, hours, or location while advocating for an (overdue and well-deserved) raise or promotion.

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• Talk to yourself about how you’re handling working parenthood instead of falling into the “I feel guilty” trap, again. . . . or similar. If so, I’m sure your intentions are good. You want to have an effective dialogue; that’s not the issue. Yet the stakes are high, the situation fraught, and despite all of your professionalism and parental love and that presentations skills class you took a few years ago, it’s extremely hard to figure out how to say what needs to be said. There’s a very real and disconcerting risk that the conversation doesn’t go well, and you’re left sitting across from an unconvinced boss, an angry partner, or a confused child. Or worse, you’re not heard at all, or are heard but misunderstood. If you need to have a hard talk about work with your family or about your family while at work, you’re probably also worried and unsure of the right next steps. This book will help restore your confidence and get you moving forward. Communicate Better with Everyone is your guide to taking all the communications skills and experience you already have and tweaking them to fit your  career-plus-caregiving reality. In the chapters that follow, you’ll get the perspective, practical strategies, and actual wording you need to tackle the toughest working-parent conversations, authentically and effectively—without undue stress. This isn’t a communications

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Introduction

primer or 101 course; actually, it’s the reverse. It focuses only on the trickier and more loaded working-parent interactions—the conversations that, even as a skilled negotiator and veteran parent, you don’t feel as confident about and that no communications course would get into. And it unpacks those conversations at a deeper level, right where your ambition bumps up against who you are as a loving parent. You’re short on time, and that important conversation looms, so let’s get right down to business. Start your journey by glancing through the contents pages. As you do, the most relevant chapters will jump out. Need time off because of a difficult family situation? Turn to chapter 11, and get Denise Rousseau’s great advice on how to frame your dialogue as a problem-solving exercise. If you’ve been beating yourself up over all the shortcomings you see in yourself as a parent, dig into chapter 15 and learn to talk to yourself in a different way. If you’re on the fence and wondering whether or not to even have that difficult conversation you’ve been freaking out about or if it’s better to just let it go, let Deborah Grayson Riegel’s excellent guidance in chapter 8 help you decide. Let this book be your coach: to help you gain direction, build better skills, see new approaches, and come away with more confidence. While the advice you’ll find here is usable for every working parent, it’s your life, and family, and career, and relationships, and you’ll decide what to take away and what to act on. xvi

Introduction

As you begin to read through the practical advice you find in this book, I believe you’ll find the real benefit of getting some guidance and a fresh take on your working-parent communications—as one of my recent clients did. Rob was a new father whose first child had been born mid-pandemic. Working remotely, in an industry not known for candor around caregiving issues, and still within the first year of a pressured new job, he agonized over when and how to bring up his caregiving needs with his colleagues. During our session, we unpacked his apprehensions and covered various ways to talk about his schedule, all while coming across as a committed, “on it” professional. After an hour of rapid back-and-forth, Rob paused. “If I’m not as worried about how to talk about career and parenting,” he told me, “I can spend more of my time worrying about my actual work, and the baby.” That’s exactly it: The more comfortable and confident you are talking about working parenthood, the more you’ll be able to focus on the things that really matter.

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Section 1

Listen—and Be Heard Have Productive and Balanced Conversations

1

Four Conversations Every Overwhelmed Working Parent Should Have by Joseph Grenny and Brittney Maxfield

Quick Takes • Ask yourself who you are and what you want • Talk about your career and family commitments with your boss and colleagues • Define common goals for your children with your spouse or partner • Open up to your kids about the pressures you feel and what you want

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orking parents sometimes struggle with the feeling that they are either letting down their family or not meeting their career goals. It can be hard to strike the right balance. As with most of the challenges we face at work, having an open and honest conversation is one of the first steps toward  finding a solution. If you’re able to talk about the issue, you can often resolve it, or at least come to a compromise. One of us, Brittney, became a mom eight years ago and  went through this experience of renegotiating boundaries in an intentional way. The other, Joseph, saw how Brittney’s skill in doing this not only made Brittney happier but also changed our whole company culture to be more supportive of working parents. If you are a parent looking to establish and sustain a healthier balance—for yourself, your children, and even your organization—there are four specific types of conversations we recommend having.

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Four Conversations Every Working Parent Should Have

A Conversation with Yourself The first ongoing conversation you need to have is with yourself. You must clarify who you are and what you want before you can confidently negotiate your boundaries. If you fail to hold this initial conversation, emotion can override reason, and it’s easy to get caught up in an unwinnable game of pleasing someone else rather than choosing what is right for you. Having this conversation with yourself first will make all the other conversations less stressful.

A Conversation with Your Boss and Colleagues View this as an ongoing tactical conversation in which you  negotiate the specifics of your schedule and workload. Sit down with your boss and teammates and let them know of your passion for your career and your workrelated goals, and then unapologetically share how your family commitments relate to these priorities. For example, you might say, “I want to manage large projects. I’m at my best when I’m getting important things done. I’m willing to sprint for short periods of time to ensure that everything works, but these sprints will have to be 5

Have Productive and Balanced Conversations

occasional. I also intend to be a consistent presence in my children’s lives.” Having laid out these principles frankly, check to see if your colleagues are expressing mild disappointment, support, or simply concession. If they buy in grudgingly, you should expect worse when your boundaries cost them in specific ways. It’s possible that your teammates won’t support the life you are committed to creating for yourself. But remember—even if this conversation goes poorly, you haven’t failed. Knowing where everybody stands will provide you with the information you need to make the best choice about how to move forward with your career. You might determine that leaving the organization and finding a more supportive company is the best way for you to reach your goals and avoid the alternative: a slow, inexorable path to separation. When Brittney returned to work, she was initially nervous about asking her manager for more flexibility and a slightly reduced schedule, which she felt she needed in order to have more time at home. Ultimately, their conversation was successful because she strongly believed that a more flexible schedule would allow her to better meet her obligations at home and at the office.

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Four Conversations Every Working Parent Should Have

A Conversation with Your Partner or Spouse Speak honestly with your partner or spouse about your common goals for your children. If, for example, you both agree that it’s essential for at least one parent to be present at important events in your child’s life, then find ways to tag-team these commitments. You may be willing to speak to your boss about your work-life balance goals, but if your partner isn’t willing to do the same, it will be challenging to meet the goals you set and the two of you may fall into mutual resentment. Encourage your partner to hold these difficult conversations at their workplace so that together you can accomplish your goals. When Brittney adjusted her work schedule, her selfemployed husband made similar sacrifices. Though he was working tirelessly to get a business off the ground, he  reduced his schedule to spend time with their son while Brittney was at the office—and vice versa. This teamwork approach helped them manage their time in ways that aligned with their goals.

A Conversation with Your Child(ren) When your children are old enough to understand, talk frankly with them about the pressures you feel and what 7

Have Productive and Balanced Conversations

you truly want. However, be careful to avoid playing the role of the victim. Blaming your organization for your lack of flexibility or stress at home doesn’t solve problems; it creates unfair and false resentments. The last thing you want to do is teach your children to despise the idea of work. Instead, model by example. Acknowledge all the commitments you’ve willingly made both at work and at home. Help your children understand the time you spend away from them isn’t just that—time away. It’s something you value that also contributes to a happier life at home for the whole family. Talk to your kids about your passion for your work, the skills you’ve developed to excel at your position, and how it brings you joy. Explain how much you want to put them first and that when you can’t, it’s hard on you, too. Don’t brush off difficult feelings. Own the sadness you might feel when you can’t be there. Feeling sad together actually creates connection. If your child sees that it’s hard for you, they can better understand that your occasional absence is no reflection of your love for them. When Brittney was required to travel for her job, she never pretended that she was being forced to leave by a sinister boss, even if that would’ve been an easier message to deliver to her kids. She told her boys she would miss them but that, right now, she had to fulfill other important responsibilities. Now that her children are older, she talks honestly with them about schedules and priorities. In these ongoing conversations, she explains 8

Four Conversations Every Working Parent Should Have

that even when Mom and Dad are busy with work, the family’s needs are always the top priority. There’s no denying these four conversations are challenging to have and may not always go as well as you planned, depending on your circumstances and the expectations of your boss, coworkers, and partner. Having them also doesn’t guarantee that your career won’t be at all affected, especially if you’re a woman. Unfortunately, we still live in a world where too many women experience a motherhood penalty of reduced opportunity and compensation in their careers. Having the four conversations does not guarantee inoculation against these workplace inequities, but it does guarantee the possibility of achieving the change you want to see in your life. If you never have the conversation, you fail before you try. Balance is a never-ending pursuit that requires constant awareness and communication—but with skill and purpose, it can be done. And as a parent, what better motivation to establish and sustain a healthy work-life balance than our children? Adapted from content posted on hbr.org, August 8, 2018 (product #H04GAT).

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Set Boundaries, Foil Boundary Predators, and Say No by Priscilla Claman

Quick Takes • Agree to terms ahead of time • Refer to your expertise • Anticipate scope creep • Ask clarifying questions • Learn to say no indirectly

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oundary predators are easy to find at work. They include the boss who asks you to work the weekend you have a family wedding or the client who tacks on two more presentations to the senior team than you agreed to. They are the team leader who assigns you more work than your colleagues. Boundary predators aren’t just at work. They also include the craft y 4-year-old who says, “But Daddy said I could have another cookie!” They are the 17-year-old who commits to driving three friends to the movies without first asking your permission to borrow the car. They are the beloved partner who leaves the dishwasher for you to unload even though you made a deal to take turns and you did it yesterday. Boundary predators rely on their power and authority and your passivity to get what they want. It’s up to you to push back by understanding how to create boundaries and maintain them. Personal boundaries are difficult to define and hard to maintain in all spheres of our lives. Unlike laws or national boundaries, personal boundaries don’t exist on their own; you have to will them into existence through conversation, especially if you aren’t in a

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Set Boundaries, Foil Boundary Predators, and Say No

position of power. However, all kinds of people conduct these difficult conversations every day with customers, clients, and kids, clarifying the work to be done and both drawing and holding the line. The following approaches will make it easier for you to conduct persuasive conversations that set and maintain boundaries:

Have an Agreement Up Front When everyone consents to terms ahead of time, everyone knows what the objectives are and what to expect, and there is usually less potential for opposition. For example: • “I have to leave this meeting at 11:30, but I’ll check in this afternoon.” • “Yes, you can take the car, but you will have to be back by 10:30 so I can take your sister to practice.” • “Let’s say that you can always have two cookies, but only two cookies, for dessert.” Establishing a clear boundary gives you a defense against withering in an endless meeting or listening to continuous nagging for more dessert. Then, you can just remind the other party of the agreement and be firm. “Only two cookies for dessert, remember?”

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Have Productive and Balanced Conversations

Mention Your Credentials Setting boundaries, no matter how casual, requires some authority. Briefly referring to the expertise you bring to the table gives you additional power in boundary negotiations. Here’s what that sounds like: • “I’ve worked with at least 20 CEOs in similar situations, and I know I can help you.” • “Yes, I’ve worked with this software on several other projects, and I know I can make a contribution to the team. But we’ll have to figure out how to reassign my current work.” • “As your father, I am responsible for your safety, and I don’t think that’s a safe thing to do.” To up the ante a little, mention others who are with you: • “You’ve reached the right department to resolve your problem. We have a reputation for being the best, so if you follow my instructions, I’ll have you back online in a jiff y.” • “Parents choose their kids’ TV programs, and your dad and I agree that’s not a program you should watch.”

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Set Boundaries, Foil Boundary Predators, and Say No

Expect Your Boundaries to Be Challenged We’re all familiar with “scope creep”—when you’re asked to do more than you signed up for. As any parent of a 2-year-old knows, setting a boundary is almost an invitation to test it. So, don’t get angry. Think about it and make a choice. Do I want to make this an exception or do I want to stick with the agreement? There are times when you can gain something from conceding, but you’ll need to reset the boundary bargain as a part of the same conversation. For example: • “I’m happy to do it again for you, this time. How about lending me two people on your staff while I do it? I’ll teach them all I know, and then you’ll have the resources in-house.” • “Yes, you can have the car all day Saturday if you drive your sister and her friends to practice. The following Saturday, though, I’m going to need it.”

Ask Questions Ask loads of clarifying questions before committing, especially when you aren’t clear on the right approach. The answers will help you decide what to do when your 15

Have Productive and Balanced Conversations

boundaries are challenged. Keep your questions openended, so you’ll be able to gather more information without being perceived as negative: • “Let’s talk a little more about your project. You said it had strategic importance. How is that? Do you have some ideas for the outcomes you want? Let’s come up with some options for meeting your team’s strategic goals for this fiscal year.” • “What can you tell me about the people we’re creating this how-to-interview program for? Are they experienced interviewers? What concerns do you have about their ability to select the right person for the job?” • “That is an interesting new bike you want us to buy for you. What makes it different from the bike you have now? What do you plan to do with your old bike?”

Try Not to Use the Word “No” Sooner or later you’re going to have to use the word “no,” if only to stop your kid from running into the street. But don’t be afraid to disagree, even with powerful people. You can have a persuasive conversation that sets boundaries without starting a world war. The key is to not say 16

Set Boundaries, Foil Boundary Predators, and Say No

no directly. This skill is useful for setting boundaries while maintaining the relationship: • “My team and I would be very happy to work on your important project, but we’re unable to start for six months.” • “I’m sorry—I just won’t be able to make that Friday deadline. Let’s talk about what we can do now.” When you say no indirectly, offering alternatives maintains the relationship and eases the negative blow. Doing this works in the office and in other realms of your life, too: • “I can scale back what I give you and do it by Friday, or I can complete it and give it to you a week later.” • “I’m very excited about taking this job, and I understand you want me to start right away, but I have a two-week vacation planned with my family. Would you like me to start after I take my vacation or take the vacation after I start?” • “It’s just not possible for us to spend that amount of money on a new bike this summer. However, I’m happy to brainstorm with you how you could earn some money and sell your old one. Then we might be able to contribute something to the cause.” 17

Have Productive and Balanced Conversations

Alternatives give the people you are saying no to a greater sense of control. You’re not denying them everything, and you’re sending a strong message that you still want to work with them.

Don’t Offer a Parade of “Becauses” When You Say No Overexplaining will not help you agree to a boundary. Too much information can lead to too much discussion. And it erodes your position: • Don’t say, “I can’t work next Saturday because I’m going to my grandson’s first birthday party,” unless you know your boss is particularly sensitive to grandmothers. The boss might argue, “But he’ll have a birthday next year” or “You’ll be home by 6 p.m. Have the party then.” Now you are into an argument that’s hard to win. Say instead, “I’m sorry. I’ve an important family obligation I just can’t change.” And stick to it. • Don’t say you can’t come to a party because you don’t have a babysitter, because then the host could offer to let your children come, too. Then you’d be forced to say, “But that wouldn’t work because . . . ” Instead, say, “I wish we could, but we just can’t,” and leave it like that. 18

Set Boundaries, Foil Boundary Predators, and Say No

After a Crisis, Reset the Agreement Emergencies occur. You will drop everything to take your daughter to the emergency room when she breaks her leg. You will work more hours than is reasonable to make sure that product gets out the door on time. But you need to restart your agreement when the emergency is over. If you had a strong boundary agreement in the first place, it will be much easier to reestablish it. If you can, allude to the agreement while you are responding to the emergency, and always give the important news in the first sentence: • “I’m not going to make the presentation this afternoon. I’m on my way to the emergency room with my daughter. When she is stabilized, I’ll call and see what I can do to reschedule.” • “No problem. I’ll take over while you go to that important conference in Chicago, but when you get back, let’s return to our regular plan for day care drop-off and pickup.” With any interruption in your boundary agreement, you will need to reset the agreement to move forward: • “Yes, I’ll drop everything and fly to meet with Big Important Client to resolve their problems with our technology, but let’s agree that I’ll go back to 19

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managing my current team with my current responsibilities when I get back next month.” • “Yes, while you are staying at Grandma’s, you can watch the TV much longer. But Grandma has her rules at her house, and we have our rules at our house.” Strangely enough, even when you are in charge, using your authority doesn’t always help you set boundaries, as anyone who has toilet trained a toddler will tell you. The harder you push, the more resistance you create. Being persuasive, not pushy, will help you set boundaries in a collaborative way. And the more you conduct conversations to clearly set—and enforce—boundaries, the more they will be respected. Adapted from “Set Better Boundaries,” on hbr.org, January 13, 2021 (product #H063ME).

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What Great Listeners Actually Do by Jack Zenger and Joseph Folkman

Quick Takes • Ask questions to promote discovery • Create a safe environment to discuss issues openly • Provide feedback in a way that opens up alternative paths • Clear away distractions • Listen with your eyes, too

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hances are you think you’re a good listener. People’s appraisal of their listening ability is much like their assessment of their driving skills in that the great bulk of adults think they’re above average.1 In our experience, most people think good listening comes down to doing three things: • Not talking when others are speaking • Letting others know you’re listening through facial expressions and verbal sounds (“Mmm-hmm”) • Being able to repeat what others have said, practically word for word In fact, much management advice on listening suggests doing these very things—encouraging listeners to remain quiet, nod, and say “mmm-hmm” encouragingly, and then repeat back something like, “So, let me make sure I understand. What you’re saying is . . .” However, our research suggests that these behaviors fall short of describing good listening skills. We analyzed data describing the behavior of 3,492 participants in a development program designed to help 22

What Great Listeners Actually Do

managers become better coaches. As part of this program, their coaching skills were assessed by others in 360-degree assessments. We identified those who were perceived as being the most effective listeners (the top 5%). We then compared the best listeners to the average of all other people in the data set and identified the 20 items showing the largest significant difference. With those results in hand, we identified the differences between great and average listeners and analyzed the data to determine what characteristics their colleagues identified as the behaviors that made them outstanding listeners. We found some surprising conclusions, along with some qualities we expected to hear. We grouped them into four main findings: • Good listening is much more than being silent. To the contrary, people perceived the best listeners to be those who periodically ask questions that promote discovery and insight. These questions gently challenge old assumptions but do so in a constructive way. Sitting there silently nodding does not provide sure evidence that a person is listening, but asking a good question tells the speaker the listener has not only heard what was said but comprehended it well enough to want additional information. Good listening was consistently seen as a two-way dialogue, rather than a one-way “speaker versus hearer” interaction. The best conversations were active. 23

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• Good listening builds a person’s self-esteem. The best listeners made the conversation a positive experience for the other party, which doesn’t happen when the listener is passive (or, for that matter, critical!). Good listeners made the other person feel supported and conveyed confidence in them. Good listening was characterized by the creation of a safe environment in which issues and differences could be discussed openly. • Good listening is a cooperative conversation. In these interactions, feedback flowed smoothly in both directions with neither party becoming defensive about comments the other made. By contrast, poor listeners were seen as competitive—as listening only to identify errors in reasoning or logic, using their silence as a chance to prepare their next response. That might make you an excellent debater, but it doesn’t make you a good listener. Good listeners may challenge assumptions and disagree, but the person being listened to feels the listener is trying to help, not wanting to win an argument. • Good listeners make suggestions. Good listening invariably included some feedback provided in a way that others would accept and that opened up alternative paths to consider. This finding somewhat surprised us, since it’s not uncommon to hear 24

What Great Listeners Actually Do

complaints that “so-and-so didn’t listen; he just jumped in and tried to solve the problem.” Perhaps what the data is telling us is that making suggestions is not itself the problem; it may be the skill with which those suggestions are made. Another possibility is that we’re more likely to accept suggestions from people we already think are good listeners. (Someone who is silent for the whole conversation and then jumps in with a suggestion may not be seen as credible. Someone who seems combative or critical and then tries to give advice may not be seen as trustworthy.) While many of us have thought being a good listener is like being a sponge that accurately absorbs what the other person is saying, instead these findings show that good listeners are like trampolines. They are someone you can bounce ideas off of—and rather than absorbing your ideas and energy, they amplify, energize, and clarify your thinking. They make you feel better not merely by passively absorbing but by actively supporting. This lets you gain energy and height, just like someone jumping on a trampoline. Of course, there are different levels of listening. Not every conversation requires the highest levels of listening, but many conversations would benefit from greater focus and listening skill. Consider which level of listening you’d like to aim for: 25

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Level 1: The listener creates a safe environment in

which difficult, complex, or emotional issues can be discussed. Level 2: The listener clears away distractions like

phones, focusing attention on the other person and making appropriate eye contact. (This behavior not only affects how you are perceived as the listener but immediately influences the listener’s own attitudes and inner feelings. Acting the part changes how you feel inside. This in turn makes you a better listener.) Level 3: The listener seeks to understand the sub-

stance of what the other person is saying. They capture ideas, ask questions, and restate issues to confirm that their understanding is correct. Level 4: The listener observes nonverbal cues,

such as facial expressions, perspiration, respiration rates, gestures, posture, and numerous other subtle body language signals. It is estimated that 80% of what we communicate comes from these signals. It sounds strange to some, but you listen with your eyes as well as your ears. Level 5: The listener increasingly understands

the other person’s emotions and feelings about the topic at hand and identifies and acknowledges

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What Great Listeners Actually Do

them. The listener empathizes with and validates those feelings in a supportive, nonjudgmental way. Level 6: The listener asks questions that clarify

assumptions the other person holds and helps the other person see the issue in a new light. This could include the listener injecting some thoughts and ideas about the topic that could be useful to the other person. However, good listeners never highjack the conversation so that they or their issues become the subject of the discussion. Each of the levels builds on the others; thus, if you’ve been criticized (for example) for offering solutions rather than listening, it may mean you need to attend to some of the other levels (such as clearing away distractions or empathizing) before your proffered suggestions can be appreciated. The highest and best form of listening comes in playing the same role for the other person that a trampoline plays for a child. It gives energy, acceleration, height, and amplification. These are the hallmarks of great listening. Adapted from content posted on hbr.org, July 14, 2016 (product #H030DC).

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How to Listen When Your Communication Styles Don’t Match by Mark Goulston

Quick Takes • Let those who vent or scream blow off steam • Be patient with those who explain or belabor • Notice language the speaker uses about strong emotions • Ask follow-up questions to help the person process their feelings • Check that what they said and what you heard match

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hy do people who consider themselves good communicators often fail to actually hear each other? Often, it’s due to a mismatch of styles: To someone who prefers to vent, someone who prefers to explain seems patronizing; explainers experience those who vent as volatile. This is why so many of us see our conversational counterparts as lecturing, belaboring, talking down to us, or even shaming us (if we vent and they explain) or as invasive, out of control, and overly emotional (if we explain and they vent). Facing this kind of mismatch, what do you think the chances are either person actually listens with an open mind? My answer is . . . very low. It is tempting to say zero, but since it’s not possible (or even desirable) to interact only with people whose communication style matches yours, you need to develop the skill to listen, regardless of style. This can be incredibly effortful. When someone is either venting or screaming or explaining or belaboring, it triggers a part of your middle emotional brain called the amygdala, which desperately wants to hijack your attentive listening and instead react reflexively with whatever 30

How to Listen When Your Communication Styles Don’t Match

your hardwired reactions are. And resisting that amygdala hijack is exhausting.

What to Do with Someone Who Vents or Screams If your conversational counterpart vents or screams, your hardwired survival coping skill might be to tell them to calm down (which will only make them more upset), to shut down and be silent (which will only make them yell longer, because they’ll think you’re not listening), or to try to point out how irrational venting is (which, as noted above, they will perceive as patronizing and belaboring). Instead, say to yourself, “OK, here comes another temper tantrum. Just let them blow up. Try not to take it between the eyes, and imagine you’re looking into the calm eye of a hurricane and the storm is going over your shoulder.” To do this, focus on their left eye. The left eye is connected to the right brain—the emotional brain. Let them finish. Then say something like, “I can see you’re really frustrated. To make sure I don’t add to that, and to make sure I don’t miss something, what is the most important thing I need to do in the long term? What’s the critical thing I need to do in the short term, and what do I need to get done ASAP?” Reframing the conversation this way, after they’ve finished venting, will make sure that 31

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Three Questions to Ask When Someone Is Venting by Mark Goulston

When you’re faced with an upset customer, client, employee, shareholder, child, parent, spouse, or friend, it can feel as if they’re bulging with emotion and about to explode. Jumping in and giving advice or sitting there silently aren’t your only options. To help the person process their feelings—and have a productive conversation—ask three questions: 1. What are you most frustrated about? Asking your counterpart about the source of their frustration allows them to vent. When they finish, pick any of their words that had a lot of emotion attached. These can be words such as “never,” “screwed up,” or any other words spoken with high inflection. Say something like, “Say more about ‘never’ [or ‘screwed up,’ etc.]” to help them release more of their built-up pressure. 2. What are you most angry about? Go deeper by asking them to say more about what they’re most angry about. Don’t take issue with them or get

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into a debate; just know that they really need to get this off their chest—if you listen without interrupting them, while also inviting them to say even more, they will. 3. What are you really worried about? Ask about their main worry—the core of their emotional wound. If you have listened and not taken issue with their frustration and anger, they will speak to you about what they’re really worried about. Encourage them to go deeper by again asking them, “Say more about . . .” After they finish, respond with something like, “Now I understand why you are so frustrated, angry, and worried. Since we can’t turn back time, let’s put our heads together to check out your options from here. OK?” When people are upset, it matters less what you tell them than what you enable them to tell you. After they get their feelings off their chest, that’s when they can then have a constructive conversation with you.

Adapted from “How to Listen When Someone Is Venting,” by Mark Goulston, posted on hbr.org, May 9, 2013.

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your “explainer” self knows what to do—instead of ignoring the venting as another random outburst. Chances are they have something important they’re trying to tell you, even though they’re not communicating it very well. After they respond, say to them, “What you just said is much too important for me to have misunderstood a word, so I’m going to say it back to you to make sure I’m on the same page as you. Here’s what I heard.” Then repeat exactly, word for word, what they said. After you finish, say, “Did I get that right and, if not, what did I miss?” Forcing them to listen to what you said they said, “because it was important,” will slow them down, will help you stay centered and in control, and will earn you respect.

What to Do with Someone Who Explains or Belabors If your conversational counterpart is an explainer, your hardwired survival coping skill might be to say to yourself, “Here they go again; make sure you smile politely even if you want to pull your hair out. Try not to let your impatience and annoyance show.” The problem with this is that even though they may be oblivious to others as they go on and on, at some level they may be aware of your underlying impatience and that might actually make them talk longer. Yikes. 34

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Realize that the reason they explain and belabor things is probably because their experience is that people don’t pay attention to what they say. While that may be true of some distracted people, for others, it’s that the speaker is belaboring something that the listener already heard— and doesn’t want to hear over and over again. Another possibility is that these explainers may not be feeling listened to somewhere else in their lives (by their spouse, kids, parents, or boss) and are now relieved to have you as a captive audience. When the explainer goes into explanation, lecture, or filibuster mode, say to yourself, “OK, this is going to take a while.” Put a mental bookmark in whatever you were working on. Then look them in their left eye and try to signal, “OK, take your time. I’m fully listening.” Instead of feeling frustrated and reacting by becoming impatient and fidgety, remind yourself, “They need to do this. I can be patient.” When they finish, apply a similar response to the person who vents or screams with the following minor edit: “I can see that you really had a lot that you had to say. To make sure I don’t miss something, what was the most important thing I need to do in the long term, what’s the critical thing I need to do in the short term, and what do I need to get done ASAP?” After they respond, say something like, “What you just said is way too important for me to have misunderstood a word, so I’m going to say it back to you to make 35

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sure I’m on the same page as you. Here’s what I heard.” Then repeat exactly, word for word, what they said. After you finish, say, “Did I get that right, and if not, what did I miss?” Your amygdala is probably saying, “I don’t want to do either of those things. These people are obnoxious and unreasonable. Why should I kowtow to them?” Here are several reasons: • They aren’t likely to change. These are deeply ingrained personality traits. • Being more open and inviting them to talk will lessen their need to act this way. Listening patiently hath charm to soothe the savage (or boring) beast. • You will feel more self-respect and self-esteem. These approaches will enable you to remain cool, calm, collected, centered, and communicative in a situation that formerly frustrated you and made you react poorly. Adapted from content posted on hbr.org, October 9, 2013.

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Be Someone Others Can Confide In by Deborah Grayson Riegel

Quick Takes • Ask how someone’s doing—more than once • Remember details to demonstrate you’re listening • Notice—and name—body language • Model vulnerability • Create a safe environment for sharing

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he question, “Hey, how are you?” often gets asked as a reflex. And, “I’m fine, you?” has become the standard response. We ask, we answer—and then we go about our day. When that happens, we miss the opportunity to create an environment where people can be their whole, authentic selves—including the bad, the mad, and the sad. Why does it matter if people tell the truth about whether or not they’re really fine? Research shows that when employees feel higher levels of authenticity at work, they report greater job satisfaction, engagement, and higher levels of performance.1 This is the case for children as well as adults. In fact, when kids share their inner worlds with their caregivers and feel understood, they deepen their trust and connection.2 You may be thinking to yourself, But what if someone isn’t fine? Then what am I supposed to do? You don’t have to be a professional coach or therapist to be supportive. In our book, Overcoming Overthinking: 36 Ways to Tame Anxiety for Work, School, and Life, coauthor Sophie Riegel and I write that “being emotionally supportive can show up as listening well, demonstrating understanding, not judging . . . [and] only offering advice if and when asked.” 38

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Beyond that, here are six steps to help someone who may not feel “fine” to be more likely to share their true feelings:

1. Ask More Than Once You’re busy, I’m busy, we’re all busy. But taking the time to ask someone how they are more than once—especially if you have an inkling that they might not be doing as well as they say they are—can make a difference. It can be as simple as, “I know you said you’re fine when I asked how you were this morning, but I felt like maybe something was off, and I just wanted to ask again. How are you really doing today?” Then follow their lead for how much (or how little) they might want to share.

2. Ask Something in Addition to “How Are You?” After someone responds with, “I’m fine,” you might press for something like, “What was good about your weekend?” or “What did you do last night?” Asking for more details signals that you’re not going to leave the conversation at a surface level. (And there’s an additional benefit: Research shows that when we ask follow-up questions, people like us better.3) 39

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3. Remember Details About Someone’s Life, and Check In When someone responds with, “I’m fine,” you might want to say, “I’m glad to hear that. I remember you mentioned that your dad was having surgery. How is he?” or “Didn’t you say your geometry test was today? How did that go?” Then really listen to the response. The goal isn’t to pry—it’s to let someone know that you’re paying attention, and that you care enough to follow up. If someone wants to talk, they’ll let you know. And if they don’t, they’ll let you know that as well. And if you’re not sure, inquire, “Is it OK that I asked?” or “Do you want to talk about it?”

4. Notice Body Language and Inquire Gently Every communication has three elements—verbal (words), vocal (tone of voice), and visual (body language). When someone says, “I’m fine,” pay attention to more than their words. Notice the other person’s facial expressions, body positioning, eye contact, and so on. “I’m fine” with a frown or slumped shoulders might mean something other than what the words say. Consider saying, “I know you said you’re fine, and I also see that you’re rub40

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bing your temples. Anything else going on that you want to share?” And again, offer to listen without pushing.

5. Model Vulnerability by Sharing When You’re Not Fine If you always answer “I’m fine”—even when you’re not— you’re missing an opportunity to be honest and open, and to lead the way for others to come clean. When someone asks you how you’re doing, be willing to tell the truth. “I must admit, I’m not having the best day,” or “I wish I could say I’m good, but I have a lot on my mind,” gives you the opportunity to see how the other person responds. If they say, “Sorry about that. So, how about that crazy meeting yesterday, huh?” you might consider that they’re not yet comfortable being open with you, or that they have other things on their mind, or that they just weren’t really listening. But don’t write them off as uncaring or aloof. You might be modeling a new skill— being vulnerable—and learning new skills takes time.

6. Create Safe Conditions for Others to Open Up It’s one thing to ask someone to open up to you. It’s another thing to create the conditions that support 41

Have Productive and Balanced Conversations

openness. What can you do to reinforce that you’re a go-to person who won’t gossip? First, honor confidentiality and don’t share what anyone tells you, even in casual conversation. Second, if you’re truly concerned about someone’s well-being, address it with them directly. Third, don’t offer advice unless you’re asked for it. Even when giving advice feels helpful, it can take away others’ sense of agency and autonomy.4 Fourth, create boundaries around situations when someone’s sharing feels as if you’ve gotten in over your head. You can say something like, “I am sorry to hear that you’re dealing with that. I’d like us to find someone who can help you—or who can help me help you better.” Finally, you can create a safe condition by respecting someone’s decision not to open up to you, too. That can sound like, “I respect your privacy. I’m here if you want to talk—and I won’t pry if you don’t.” And then, honor your commitment by not prying (as much as you might really want to). “I’m fine” can be just that—fine—or it can be an entryway into building a more open, trusting environment for people (including you) to share how they really feel, without shame or stigma. Adapted from “Be a Colleague That Others Can Confide In,” on hbr.org, April 1, 2020 (product #H05IAK).

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Section 2

Use Your Words Turn Adversarial Conversations into Civil Discourse

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How to Make Sure You’re Heard in a Difficult Conversation by Amy Gallo

Quick Takes • Use “I” language to share what’s bothering you • Craft some neutral phrases to ensure you’re heard • Keep the focus on the problem • Pay attention to body language • Step back from the conversation to observe and name how it’s going off course

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difficult conversation has to be a two-way street, whether it’s with your teenager or your boss. You’re unlikely to come to a resolution if you don’t hear the other person out. But equally important is getting your message across when you’re addressing a conflict. So after you’ve thoroughly listened to your counterpart, you can increase the likelihood that they will see things your way by taking the following steps.

Own Your Perspective If you feel mistreated, you may be tempted to launch into your account of the events: “I want to talk about how rudely you spoke to me in front of your friends.” But that’s unlikely to go over well. Instead, treat your opinion like what it is: your opinion. Start sentences with “I,” not “you.” Say “I’m annoyed that this project is six months behind schedule,” rather than “You’ve missed every deadline we’ve set.” This will help the other person see your perspective and understand that you’re not trying to blame them.

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How to Make Sure You’re Heard in a Difficult Conversation

Explain exactly what is bothering you and follow up by identifying what you hope will happen. You might say, “I appreciate your ideas, but I’m finding it hard to hear them because throughout this process, I’ve felt as if you didn’t respect my ideas. That’s my perception. I’m not saying that it’s your intention. I’d like to clear the air so that we can continue to work together to make the project a success.” Dorie Clark, author of Reinventing You, says that you should admit blame when appropriate. “It’s easy to demonize your [counterpart]. But you’re almost certainly contributing to the dynamic in some way, as well,” Clark says. Admitting your faults will help set a tone of accountability for both of you, and your counterpart is more likely to own up to their missteps as well. If they don’t, and instead seize on your confession and harp on it—“That’s exactly why we’re in this mess”— let it go.

Pay Attention to Your Words Sometimes, regardless of your good intentions, what you say can make the issue worse. At other times, you might say the exact thing that helps the person go from boiling mad to cool as a cucumber. Here are some phrases that can help make sure you’re heard:

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• “Here’s what I’m thinking.” • “My perspective is based on the following assumptions . . .” • “I came to this conclusion because . . .” • “I’d love to hear your reaction to what I just said.” • “Do you see any flaws in my reasoning?” • “Do you see the situation differently?” There are some basic rules, such as avoiding namecalling and finger-pointing, you can follow to keep from pushing your counterpart’s buttons. Your language should be “simple, clear, direct, and neutral,” says Holly Weeks, author of Failure to Communicate. Don’t apologize for your feelings, either. The worst thing you can do “is to ask your counterpart to have sympathy for you,” she says. Don’t say things like “I feel so bad about saying this” or “This is really hard for me to do,” because it takes the focus away from the problem and toward your own neediness. While it can be hard, this language can make your counterpart feel obligated to focus on making you feel better before moving on. Liane Davey, author of You First: Inspire Your Team to Grow Up, Get Along, and Get Stuff Done, provides two additional rules when it comes to what you say:

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• Say “and,” not “but.” “When you need to disagree with someone, express your contrary opinion as ‘and.’ It’s not necessary for someone else to be wrong for you to be right,” Davey says. When you’re surprised to hear something your counterpart has said, don’t interject with a “But that’s not right!” Just add your perspective. Davey suggests something like this: “You think we need to leave room in the budget for a customer event, and I’m concerned that we need that money for employee training. What are our options?” With your partner, this might sound like “You feel like the current schedule works well for the family, and I feel like too much of the extra housework is falling to me. Can we come up with some alternatives that will feel equitable to both of us?” This engages your counterpart in problem-solving, which is inherently collaborative instead of combative. • Use hypotheticals. Being contradicted doesn’t feel very good, so don’t try to counter each of your counterpart’s arguments. Instead, says Davey, use hypothetical situations that encourage them to be creative about alternative solutions. “Imagining is the opposite of defending, so it gets the brain out of a rut,” she says. She offers this example: “I hear your concern about getting the right salespeople to pull off this campaign. If we could get the right

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people . . . what could the campaign look like?” This works outside of work—even with toddlers. “I know you don’t want to get dressed for day care right now. Imagine if I could wave a wand and your pajamas would magically change into your school clothes.”

Watch Your Body Language A lot of people unconsciously convey nonverbal messages. Are you slumping your shoulders? Rolling your eyes? Fidgeting with your pen? During your conversation, pay attention to your facial expression, arms, legs, and entire body, and take stock of the overall impression you’re giving. Do the same for your counterpart. If their nonverbal cues are sending a different message than what they’re articulating, ask about it. For example, you might say, “I hear you saying that you’re fine with this approach, but it looks as if maybe you still have some concerns. Is that right? Should we talk those through?”

Change the Tenor of the Conversation Sometimes, despite your best intentions and all of the time you put into preparing for the conversation, things 50

How to Make Sure You’re Heard in a Difficult Conversation

veer off course. You can’t demand that your counterpart hold the discussion exactly the way you want. If things get heated, don’t panic. Take a deep breath, mentally pop out of the conversation as if you’re a fly on the wall, and objectively look at what’s happening. You might even describe to yourself (in your head) what’s happening: “They keep returning to the fact that I made a mistake.” “When I try to move the conversation away from what’s gone wrong to what we can do going forward, they keep shifting it back.” Then state what you’re observing in a calm tone. “It looks as if whenever the sales numbers come up, you raise your voice.” Suggest a different approach: “If we put our heads together, we could probably come up with a way to move past this. Do you have any ideas?” If it seems as if you’ve entered into a power struggle in which you’re no longer discussing the substance of your conflict but battling over who is right, step back and either try one of the phrases or questions from the “Pay attention to your words” section or talk about what’s not working. Say, “We seem to be getting locked into our positions. Can we go back to what we’re trying to accomplish and see if we can brainstorm together some new ideas that might satisfy both of us?” Here are some other phrases that help move the conversation along productively: • “You may be right, and I’d like to understand more.” 51

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• “I have a completely different perspective, and at the same time, you clearly think this is unfair, so how can we fix this?” • “I’m not sure how this connects to what we’ve been talking about. Can you help me make the connection?” • “I’d like to give my reaction to what you’ve said so far and see what you think.” • “This may be more my perception than yours, but when you said X, I felt . . .” • “Is there anything I can say or do that might convince you to consider other options here?” You can’t force your counterpart to appreciate, understand, or even just hear your perspective. But using the tactics above increases the chances. Getting your point across, coupled with hearing out the other person, is a necessity if you want to reach a resolution. Adapted from content posted on hbr.org, November 9, 2015 (product #H02H89).

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Eight Ways to Get a Difficult Conversation Back on Track by Monique Valcour

Quick Takes • Approach your counterpart as a partner, not an opponent • Shift into learning mode • Share what you’d like to get out of the conversation • Be curious • Take responsibility

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espite our best intentions, conversations can frequently veer into difficult territory, producing frustration, resentment, and wasted time and effort. Take David, one of my coaching clients. Recently appointed to a business school leadership role, he was eager to advance his strategic agenda. Doing so required building his team members’ commitment to and sense of ownership over the proposed changes. When people were slow to step up and take on key tasks and roles, David felt frustrated by what he saw as their unwillingness to assume responsibility. For example, when he spoke with Leela, the head of the school’s specialized online master’s degree programs, he shared his plan to increase enrollment in these programs to boost revenue. He believed that the programs could accommodate 20% more students at the same staffing level with no loss of student satisfaction; Leela disagreed. David argued, and when Leela pushed back with concerns and counterarguments, he batted them away. Nothing got resolved. David believed that if he “won” an argument—through logic, force, or stamina—that meant his conversational partner had accepted his argument

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and would proceed to act upon their agreement. Instead, his team members left unconvinced and uncommitted. David’s conversational inflexibility made it nearly impossible for him to lead change. Instead of motivating and facilitating progress, he exasperated and exhausted his team. To have more-effective conversations, he needed to add more tools to his conversational toolbox and learn to use them skillfully. David put into practice the following eight strategies, all of which you can use to get conversations back on track and then move them forward.

Shift the relationship from opposition to partnership In the midst of a difficult conversation, it’s easy to see your conversational partner as your opponent. Try repositioning yourself—both mentally and physically—to be side by side with the other person, so that you’re focused on the same problem. David told me that trying to convince his team to follow him felt like trying to break into a fortified castle. “How are you trying to get in?” I asked. “I’m trying to break through the wall with a battering ram. It’s the only way in!” he said. David realized that instead of approaching conversations like a frontal assault on a guarded building, it was better to knock politely on the castle door, where he was more likely to be welcomed

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inside. He now uses the metaphor of “coming around to the same side of the table” to remind himself to seek to build an alliance when a conversation gets stuck.

Reframe your purpose from convincing to learning Conversations often go off track when we try to get someone to adopt our view or approach. When our purpose is to make another person see things our way, they are likely to resist—and arguing blocks learning and sends conversations into a ditch. No matter how well spoken and logical we may be, we can’t understand and solve the problem without exploring how the other person sees it. Whenever David fixated on persuasion as his conversational objective, he became ineffective. As Leela explained, “There’s a lot David doesn’t understand. It would be better if he would work with us rather than trying to ram his plans through, but he doesn’t seem to be interested in learning about our experience and expertise.” Consciously shifting into a learning mode helps us gain the insight we need to be creative, to collaborate, and to move the conversation forward. Loosen your grip on your own viewpoint, at least temporarily, so that you can make space to take in your partner’s. David employs the mental trick of being a fly on the wall, a neutral, objective third party who’s witnessing the conversation. From that mental perch, he’s not trying to convince and he doesn’t 56

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have the urge to defend his viewpoint. He doesn’t feel invested in either side, so he can accurately see what and how each is communicating.

Verbalize your intention Transparency helps facilitate productive conversations. Share your purpose and what you hope to achieve with your partner. For example, you might say, “I’d like each of us to get all of our concerns out on the table, so that we can be confident we’re not missing anything.” Ask what they’d like to get out of the conversation. Be explicit, not just about the topic and desired outcome of the conversation but also about process. For example, David said, “I want to remain open-minded and nonjudgmental. Will you let me know if I slip up at this?”

Avoid assumptions Ask someone who’s just had a difficult conversation what went wrong, and they’ll likely describe what they believe was in the other person’s mind: “He’s totally focused on his own career and couldn’t care less whether the team succeeds.” Or, “She’s after my job. She wants me to fail.” The assumptions we make about another person’s intentions usually reveal more about ourselves than about what’s going on in their mind. Making assumptions also limits our effectiveness because it prevents us from fully 57

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understanding the situation and narrows the range of solutions we consider.

Examine the other person’s perspective with openness and curiosity To understand your conversational partner’s perspective, switch off defensiveness and turn on curiosity. Avoid asking leading questions such as, “You don’t want to become known as the difficult person in the office, do you?” Rather, try asking open-ended questions like these: “How does this affect you?” “What’s at stake for you?” “What is this conversation like for you?” “What do I need to understand?” “What would help us to get on the same page?” Thank them for their responses without rebutting what they’ve said.

Acknowledge your part It’s very easy to identify what the other person has done wrong, and much harder to identify one’s own contribution to the problem. But acknowledging your part demonstrates how to take responsibility and encourages others to do the same. By asking open-ended questions and listening with detachment, David came to see that his desire for fast results led him to cut off discussion too quickly, giving his conversational partners the impression that he wasn’t interested in their ideas. 58

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Learn your A-BCDs University of Washington psychologist John Gottman identified four communication behaviors that derail conversations so consistently that he refers to them as “the four horsemen of the apocalypse.” With a mnemonic modification to Gottman’s formulation, I teach clients to avoid torpedoing conversations by “learning your A-BCDs,” by which I mean learning to Avoid Blame, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling. In the absence of Leela’s enthusiasm for his plan, David rolled his eyes with exasperation (an expression of contempt) and barked, “Oh, come on. How are we supposed to get things moving if you won’t take on responsibility?” Here he was blaming her for the delay, while she still felt he hadn’t heard or responded to her concerns. When she raised her eyebrows at his outburst, he realized that he’d slipped up on his stated intention to remain open-minded during the conversation, which he acknowledged with a selfdeprecating “oops.” Defensiveness shows up when we deny responsibility for our own contribution to the difficult conversation. Leela contended that David should involve an assistant dean in the planning process. David felt defensive at what he interpreted as a suggestion that he was cutting out important players. He said, “If we have to talk with everyone, we’ll never get anywhere.” By defending his approach with a blanket statement about how involving 59

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more people will block progress, he signaled that he’s not open to input on how to move the process along. Stonewalling can take a number of forms, including passivity, avoiding a certain topic, refusal to participate in or contribute to discussion, or withholding relevant information. If you find yourself engaging in any of these behaviors, refocus on what you’re trying to achieve and remember that examining difficult issues with openness and curiosity, while sometimes uncomfortable, is key to having productive conversations. Discuss the four behaviors with your team and agree that you’ll hold each other accountable for avoiding them.

Seek input to problem-solving Humans are motivated to preserve and protect our selfimage, so feedback can be difficult to receive. We tend to reject information that threatens our identity (such as, “The customer reports that you were impatient and uninformed”) and, therefore, we don’t learn from it. Executive coach Marshall Goldsmith recommends the simple and effective practice of “feedforward.” Instead of digging into what has happened in the past, tell the person what you hope to learn or achieve, and ask them for their suggestions. For example, David eventually asked Leela, “What can I do to invite greater participation in the change process?” She was so surprised the first time he tried this that it took her a few minutes to respond. 60

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Then she said, “I think it would help if, before moving to a decision, you ask if there’s anything else anyone would like to add and give people time to respond.” David appreciated the suggested tactic and added it to his tool kit. Practicing any of these techniques will increase your ability to have productive conversations about even the most difficult or contentious issues. Then try out a second technique. The goal is to incorporate all eight into your repertoire, increasing your conversational agility and improving your ability to influence anyone. Adapted from content posted on hbr.org, May 22, 2017 (product #H03NA4).

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When to Skip a Difficult Conversation by Deborah Grayson Riegel

Quick Takes • Ask yourself questions to consider whether to delay or skip • Avoid the conversation if your answers indicate the problem will resolve itself • Delay the conversation if you don’t have details or concrete examples • Focus on the current situation if the problem is part of a larger issue

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e all occasionally need to give tough feedback to employees, colleagues, clients, family members, and friends. Yet, no matter how skilled or experienced we are at it, most of us would do anything to find a way out. As Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, and Sheila Heen explain in their book, Difficult Conversations, this internal struggle is natural: “If we try to avoid the problem, we’ll feel taken advantage of, our feelings will fester . . . and we’ll rob the other person of the opportunity to improve things. But if we confront the problem, we may be rejected or attacked, we might hurt the other person in ways we didn’t intend, and the relationship might suffer.” In a 2016 Globis survey of more than 200 professionals on the topic of difficult conversations, 95% were worried about damaging the other person’s self-esteem, 92% of respondents said they were concerned about the associated levels of stress for the other person, and 92% were fearful of causing upset. And, while 80% of respondents reported that these conversations were a part of their job, more than half indicated that they didn’t feel as if they had adequate training on how to conduct them effectively.1

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In my role as an executive coach, I often help clients overcome their hesitation and anxiety so they’re able to handle tough but important conversations, at work and at home, in the right way. But sometimes we discover that their avoidance instincts are actually valid. Not every conversation with our boss, our partner, our kid’s little league coach, or a mother-in-law needs to be had immediately, had by them, or had at all. How can you assess whether you’re making a strategic choice to avoid a difficult conversation or just chickening out? Here are 12 questions designed to help you consider what to say, delay, or skip: 1. Based on what I know about this person and our relationship, what can I realistically hope to achieve by having the conversation? 2. What is my “secret agenda” or “hidden hope” for this conversation? (Long-term harmony? Revenge? That they will change?) 3. What concrete examples do I have to share of how this issue has shown up? 4. What’s my contribution to the situation? 5. Do I tend to look for problems with this person or about this issue? 6. Is it already starting to resolve itself?

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7. Have I done a “H.A.L.T.” check—Am I hungry, angry, lonely, or tired? 8. How long ago did it arise? Is it a repeat or recurring problem? Could it become one? 9. How material is the issue to our relationship or to the job? 10. How committed am I to being right? 11. What reasonable, actionable solution can I offer? 12. Is this the right person to talk to about this issue? If your answers tell you that the situation is likely to resolve itself, that your concern isn’t critical to the relationship or to your work, that you’re more committed to placing blame or being right than to really listening or seeking solutions, or that the appropriate time to address the problem has passed, then you probably shouldn’t speak up. I worked with one leader who was angry about the fact that she had gone through a time-consuming process to help her company apply for a prestigious industry award, only for her boss to take credit when the organization won. He didn’t even invite her to the awards ceremony. When we discussed how to confront the problem, she acknowledged that she had been frustrated with her boss’s pattern of claiming responsibility for her ideas for

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more than five years. But she ultimately decided that she wouldn’t bring up all those incidents, only the most recent, arguing that she deserved to accompany him to the event. She also decided that she would continue to address these concerns in the moment, rather than letting her anger build up, poisoning her relationship and her credibility. Another leader with whom I worked wanted to talk to his direct report about being “less defensive” when he gave her feedback. But when I asked him to identify specific behaviors, he couldn’t articulate them beyond “it’s just how I feel when I talk with her.” He therefore decided to delay the conversation until he could offer concrete evidence and offer more useful advice on how to do things differently. A third leader decided that she should stop trying to have difficult conversations with her teenage son as soon as he came home from school when she realized that all conversations felt challenging between 3 and 4 p.m., regardless of topic. After doing a H.A.L.T. check with him, she realized that he was hungry and tired right after school, and wasn’t his most patient, reflective, or rational self. She also discovered that she, too, was hungry and tired during that time frame, and so she was more likely to focus on frustrations. She found a time after dinner and some TV time when both of them were more relaxed, and satiated, to bring up touchier topics with less stress.

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Deciding carefully and strategically about whether to speak up or let it go isn’t an abdication of responsibility; it’s taking responsibility for making sure that the messages you do communicate are delivered for the right reasons and generate the desired results. Adapted from content posted on hbr.org, March 1, 2016 (product #H02OY9).

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Section 3

Mentioning the Unmentionables Tough Discussions at Work

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Communicating Through a Personal Crisis by Sabina Nawaz

Quick Takes • Be the first to notify people • Clarify what you want—and don’t want—from your colleagues • Pick the communication channel that works for you • Pay it forward when your crisis is behind you

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ne day amid a flourishing career, you might find your personal life in crisis and threatening to upend your professional life. If so, you’re not alone. Just before boarding a flight from Boston to London to meet with a major client, Anique received a call from her 10-year-old daughter Jasmine, not to wish her bon voyage but overcome in the throes of a panic attack. This initiated an 18-month journey through Jasmine’s struggles with acute anxiety. Rhonda, a senior manager and thought leader in her field, remembers two life-altering conversations she had in a single week: “One with the minister and my parents on how to conduct my mother’s impending memorial service. The other was a meeting with my son and his psychiatrist about how to have a plan for when he is suicidal.” Or consider Derek, an executive at a global firm. “When you’re successful like I’ve been in my career, you pick positive adjectives for yourself. You don’t use the word ‘alcoholic,’” he said. With two young kids and a wife, he felt defeated for the first time.

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These are stories related by successful executives among my coaching clients who have faced family crises jeopardizing their performance at work. Some have struggled with a snowballing challenge for years, afraid to admit the problem and seek help. For others, the downward spiral was precipitated by a routine trip to the doctor or an unexpected phone call. They’ve had to overcome shock, face inconvenient truths, confront shame, and risk career damage. The tsunami of the triggering event compounded by consequent emotions spins them in a vicious cycle and then spits them out to a place of clarity where they must make choices and communicate with colleagues. In-depth interviews with several clients, the challenges revealed by others during coaching conversations, and my own experiences with adversity persuade me that every individual’s situation and their response to it is unique. All together, these stories point to two effective tactics we can employ to juggle work, a crisis, our families, and ourselves.

Manage the Flow of Information One of the first decisions involves how to communicate our circumstances to coworkers and how much to disclose. If the issue is in the open, such as a family death

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that is covered in the news, or visible, as when an individual goes through aggressive cancer treatment, we want to be the first to notify people at work. Initially we may be tempted to shroud seemingly shameful or simply private issues in secrecy, but these challenges are common to the human condition and empathetic colleagues can be a tremendous support. Being the first to provide information also helps us ensure its accuracy. Some individuals want to openly discuss issues such as mental illness to help address the stigma that accompanies these widespread struggles. However, when one of our loved ones is suffering, we must also consider their privacy. What’s more, revealing a child’s condition might make colleagues think we’re going to be less reliable, distracted from work, and unable to put in the hours. We also want to be mindful that sharing an ongoing issue is different from revealing our past. Raw and evolving emotions can elicit awkwardness from others who may resort to giving us unsolicited special treatment. Some confidences are best shared only with our closest coworkers, those who will notice changes in our performance and may need to understand and provide accommodations. Managers have additional considerations. As Rhonda said, “I think there can be a danger of oversharing, especially as a boss.” Less specificity, such as, “Thank you for asking, I’ll share more later,” can work for others. Follow similar guidelines at home when you decide what to disclose. Communicating with children merits 74

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special consideration. Aside from obvious factors such as your children’s ages, first discuss choices with your partner and start with values you both embrace. We learned of my husband’s brother’s death after our kids were asleep. We agreed to wait until morning when I would share the news with them. We wanted to be transparent with our children about what happened and to give them space to mourn their loss. Because I delivered the news, they didn’t feel pressure to console their dad before processing their own emotions.

Clarify Your Preferences and Expectations When disclosing our challenges, we want to be clear about what we do or don’t want from people. For example, “I’m overwhelmed and unable to process advice or offers for help; the best thing you can do for me is simply listen.” Nonnegotiables need to be clear to everyone, such as the day care pickup time when you have custody of your kids. We determine what medium to use for communication. When Natalya faced the death of a loved one by suicide, she told only two people at work directly, followed by an email to her group. In the email, she asked that others continue to treat her as they had previously because it was too painful for her to discuss the situation. 75

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Many have told me that working helped during a serious challenge if they could set boundaries to address immediate needs and their emotional well-being. According to Rhonda, “Work was an opportunity to control things when lots was going on that I couldn’t control. Work had an accomplishable side to it.” If you need time off from work, whether to care for someone else or for your own health, make a clear request and you will often get what you ask for. “Nobody ever questioned when I needed time to be with my family, which was my biggest ask,” Natalya said. Most of my interviewees advocate professional therapy for themselves and their children, and they also speak of it openly to break the taboo around it. In fact, the insights offered here aren’t substitutes for the support of a mental health practitioner, which I am not. Please consult with one if your challenge merits professional attention. Teletherapy has made this more convenient than ever, even for the busiest among us. What lies on the other side of a family crisis? Some hardships pass, some become part of our new normal, and many bring us to a better place than before. Most of my clients who have gone through these rough patches say this is the healthiest they’ve been, others have been promoted at work, and several believe their relationships are stronger than ever. Once they’re no longer in the clutches of these challenges, they pay it forward, through small acts of kindness, mentorship and sponsorship, or 76

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simply showing up to listen, without judgment. “The more we recognize that the people we’re working with all have to deal with these things from time to time,” Rhonda shared, “the more compassionate it makes us, the more humane the workplace becomes.” Adapted from “Working Through a Personal Crisis,” on hbr.org, July 6, 2020 (product #H0500J).

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When You Need to Take Time Off Work for Mental Health Reasons by Barbara Ricci

Quick Takes • Read up on the law and your company’s policies to understand your rights • Share only the necessary details with your boss and/or HR • Consider how much you’ll share with colleagues when you return • Develop a brief and consistent narrative to address questions • Give yourself time to get used to your medication and your return to work • Create—and stick to—a routine to ease your reentry 79

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ersonal health should be a private matter. But when you need to take time off from work due to a mental health condition, often it isn’t possible to maintain that privacy. As a board member at the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI), and a former managing director at two global banks (UBS and Deutsche Bank), I’ve been approached by hundreds of colleagues and clients over the past 30 years seeking advice for themselves or a colleague, friend, or family member on how best to manage professional life while dealing with a mental health condition themselves or caring for a loved one who is. Here is what I usually tell them.

Prepare for Leave Taking time off from work to address a mental health situation is more common than it may appear. Just because you don’t know of anyone else at your company who has taken time off for mental health reasons doesn’t mean there isn’t a precedent. Diagnosable mental health conditions impact one in five Americans in any given year.1 Treatment for the most common conditions (namely 80

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depression) is effective 80% of the time, but fewer than half of the people who need help get it, often because of social stigma, the fear of repercussions at work, or lack of access to quality, affordable care.2 While workplace culture is not the cause of an illness, certain cultures, especially those that require employees to work long hours in sedentary conditions, can make an illness difficult to manage. Lack of adequate sleep, an inability to maintain an exercise routine, loss of time with friends and loved ones, or substance misuse can lead to deteriorating mental health, which can make it hard to keep up at work.

Communicate your need If you need to take a leave of absence, ideally you’d be able to calmly inform your manager or HR department that you need to go on leave, while sharing only a minimal amount of information and keeping your diagnosis private. For a longer-term disability leave, as opposed to a normal sick leave, your doctor will likely need to provide documentation to your firm’s disability insurance provider. The disability provider acts as an intermediary between you and your employer and does not share your diagnosis with your employer. The provider would then evaluate information about your health status and make recommendations regarding when you can return to work. 81

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Know your rights It’s important to know your rights and your company’s policies. In the United States, the Americans with Disabilities Act (ADA) makes it illegal to discriminate against an employee with a mental health issue.3 Many conditions, such as bipolar disorder, major depression, and post-traumatic stress, are covered under the ADA, but it does not provide blanket protection. The federal Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC) provides guidance on the rights and obligations of employers and employees and can be a good source of information for those in the United States.4

Manage Your Return Once you’ve negotiated your leave and gotten the help you need, how will you return to work? What do you tell your coworkers? Your boss? How do you get back into the swing of things without compromising your health? Of course, no two paths will be the same.

Decide what to disclose Start by weighing the pros and cons of being open about a diagnosis. Many people have physical or mental health issues and opt not to tell their coworkers or employers 82

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about them. The law is on your side here. The EEOC says the returning employees may keep their diagnosis private in most situations. But, of course, your manager may already know about your condition if you involved them in taking the leave of absence. In my experience, there are typically two types of people who will disclose, despite the fear of prejudice or discrimination at work. The first group includes those who want to bring their whole selves to work and don’t want to hide. The second group includes leaders, either in title or in practice, who understand that openly acknowledging their diagnosis can shed a positive light on what it means to work with someone with a mental, or invisible, disability.

Prepare for questions Regardless of whether you disclose, prepare for colleagues’ questions about your absence. A brief and consistent narrative will help you stay focused on readjusting to work. You might say something like, “I took time off for health [or personal] reasons, but things are fine now and I’m happy to be back to work.”

Set the right schedule Consider whether you should go back full-time right away or part-time at first. Dealing with a mental illness 83

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can be exhausting, so give yourself the time you need. Reintegrate into your larger social circle with the same measured pace. And consider the impact of any medications you might be taking. Some might make you drowsy, so see if you can shift your hours to avoid working at your most tiring periods. Over time, your psychiatrist may want to adjust your medications to optimally manage your brain chemistry. It can be days, weeks, or months before you and your doctor can tell if the medication and dosage are right for you. During this transition time, you may experience physical reactions or mood swings.

Create a mantra Develop a personal mantra to help you transition back: “Be compassionate to myself.” “I’m on a learning curve.” “Take it a few hours at a time.” Rely on your support system—an empathetic family member, a close friend, a doctor or therapist, and perhaps a trusted colleague at work. They can provide insight into your behavior that can prevent the onset or reduce the seriousness of your illness.

Develop a routine Stick to a routine, whenever possible. Find a quiet place where you can take short breaks, or even meditate, during the day. Before you go home, make a brief list of the 84

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next day’s priorities. Think through how you will manage business travel that involves crossing time zones; jet lag can cause backsliding. In the evening, jot down a few positive things that happened during the day. Journaling can help you track your moods and behavior and can help your psychiatrist calibrate your medications.

Recognize warning signs To prevent setbacks, learn to recognize the early warning signs. Are you stressed, anxious, or getting into conflicts at work? Keep in mind that there is a difference between a bad day and relapsing. Finally, if you want to have a conversation with your boss or colleagues about your health, do it on your terms, when work is going well and you are in an unemotional state. You might make yourself more vulnerable with those you trust, but being able to share your diagnosis can help dispel myths and reduce stigma. Talking about mental health, just as one would talk about physical health, sends a powerful message that it’s OK to get help.

When You’re Taking a Leave to Support a Family Member Family members are often the first to realize when someone has a problem. When a loved one experiences 85

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a mental illness, support from family is important. You may find you need to take sick leave in order to step into the timely and extensive caregiving role for a partner, child, or other family member. Disclosing the reason behind your leave request to your employer compromises the ill family member’s right to privacy, yet the stress you experience as caregiver can be easier to manage when you can talk to trusted people who understand your experience. I recommend that people join peer-led support groups for family members such as those offered by the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) to seek support and understanding, and learn about valuable resources. Adapted from content posted on hbr.org, March 27, 2018 (product #H048KW).

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Asking for an Extended Leave for a Family Issue by Denise M. Rousseau

Quick Takes • Prepare your request by clarifying your goals • Learn about policies and precedents • Consider how your work will be covered • Adopt a problem-solving approach when you negotiate with your boss • Confirm the time frame and how or if you’ll communicate • Document your agreement—and have your boss sign off on it

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hether a family member is facing a health issue where they require your assistance, you want to go back to school, or you need to step back from work for another personal reason, lots of people negotiate leaves. Asking for a leave can be daunting, especially when there is no clear process in place at your organization. How will your boss respond? What is company policy? Can you ask for only a few weeks or a month off, or is it possible to take a year? How will this affect your career in the organization? Extended leaves are part and parcel of what are known in academia as idiosyncratic deals (i-deals, for short), special conditions of employment granted to an individual employee that differ from what their coworkers have. Having researched special deals like extended leaves for 20 years, I know it’s possible to reach an agreement for extended leave—and make it work for you, your company, and even for your boss and coworkers. There are two primary types of leave requests: extended leaves you can anticipate and plan for and unplanned requests in response to sudden family demands. The biggest difference between the two is whether you have time to prepare to negotiate. 88

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Two important features of negotiating a leave are what you can learn about your company and its policies and culture before you ask, and what your company, and especially your boss, knows about you and your contributions. Putting this information together forms the building blocks of a negotiation process.

When There’s Time to Plan Your Leave Request: Three Phases of the Negotiation Let’s talk about the three phases of extended leave negotiations—preparation, negotiation, and implementation.

Prepare The critical first step of leave negotiation is prep. Get yourself ready by reflecting on your goals and gathering information. • What are your goals? What do you want to achieve? For example, do you need to recover from stress, have more time for family, or create concentrated time for studying or a passion project? What arrangements can help you do so? Talk with friends, family, and trusted colleagues about possible arrangements that could realize your goals. 89

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Is a month enough or do you need a year? Is there some middle ground? Think about where you need to be firm and where you might be flexible in your negotiation. • What precedents exist? The onus is on you to gather information about company policy and precedents. Have other leaves been granted before? Tap your network to identify and talk with people who were granted leaves. Ask your contacts for details on how they made the deal and what they did to manage it. How well did it work out? A boss who is reluctant to be the first to grant extended leave can take cover and comfort from hearing about prior successful arrangements. But your boss may not know what deals others have made, so you’ll need to scope out the kinds of leaves and flexibility others in the company have been granted. If there is no precedent, look at organizational policies that could be tweaked to address your request. A classic example of this is the engineer who wanted to take a year off to do underwater photography of coral reefs—so his boss gave him “educational leave.” If the concept of “leave” already exists in your organization, it opens the door for yours. • What can be done to reduce the burdens on your coworkers and boss? Given your current responsibilities, think about how your duties can 90

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be covered in your absence. What can you finish now? What can be postponed until later? What else can be done to pick up the slack? Talk with your close coworkers to brainstorm ideas and problem solve. The timing of your request matters. Leaves are often easier to request soon after you have completed a big project or delivered an important outcome. Your contributions are more visible then—and your boss may feel he or she owes you. Try to avoid making your request in the busy season or when your boss and your department is working at capacity.

Negotiate With a clear goal and information on policies and precedents, you’re ready to talk to your boss. When your relationship is good and the trust between you is high, the negotiation process is easier and can be more of a conversation framed around solving a problem. If your relationship with your boss isn’t great, it’s not uncommon to shop around for internal opportunities that would allow you to report to a manager you think would be more supportive. • Adopt a problem-solving approach. Frame the conversation with your boss around your desire to remain with the organization while needing to deal 91

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with your family or personal concerns. Provide enough information regarding the challenge you’re facing so the reality of your needs is clear, but don’t say more than you are comfortable with. Convey your commitment to the organization in the long term, and explain how granting a leave will make your future with the company possible. • Seek win-win or win–no lose solutions. If possible, provide advance notice of your need for leave. Creating a window of opportunity for planning and adjusting helps make problem solving easier, allows you to consider the impact of your leave on your team, reduces burdens for others, and shows your organizational commitment and sense of responsibility. Win-win solutions often involve discussions with coworkers about timing and possible arrangements to help the organization manage without you. Your goal is an arrangement that leads your employer to agree to your request and brings you the flexibility you need. • Check for differences in assumptions. Clarify boundaries and time limits associated with the deal you negotiate with your boss. Confirm the time frame involved, whether you will have contact with the organization in the interim, and your availability to support colleagues if need be.

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• Manage the message. Work with your manager on a communication plan. Figure out what you and your boss are going to say to others regarding your leave and who needs to know what when. If the time frame is clear, say so. If you have agreed to remain accessible to coworkers in need of your support while you are away, explain how this should happen (such as preferred communication channel, hours of day you anticipate being more available, and so on). • Keep a written record. Because memories are fallible, take the initiative to write an email to your boss summarizing what you both have agreed to. To check for understanding, ask them to indicate if they have any corrections or clarifications.

Take Your Leave How your leave is actually implemented and the relationships you maintain during it will shape whether it realizes the goals you had for it. Implementation also shapes the leave’s benefits and costs for you in the long term. • Manage your relationship with your coworkers. Stay in regular contact with your coworkers while on leave, if possible. By remaining accessible, you provide support to help your coworkers through

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your absence. This contact also reinforces your personal relationships with colleagues and helps you appreciate the organizational situation to which you will ultimately return. • Manage your relationships with your boss. Staying in touch with your manager while you are on leave signals that you plan to return and are committed to the organization. Maintaining contact can reduce the likelihood you’ll be discounted in future decisions regarding training or assignments and smooth your return to work. • Prepare for reentry. Coworkers can come to occupy different roles while you’re out, making it less likely the job you return to is the one you left. Organizations will differ regarding whether your old job has been “saved” or whether you’ll reenter in a new position. Sometimes there are changes to leadership, and your immediate manager may no longer be your boss. So, when you return, do the things you would do if you were new to the organization: Talk to as many different coworkers as you can to get up to speed. Reorient yourself to the organization; take the initiative to learn how your boss and colleagues understand your (new) role and what they might need from you.

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When Your Need for Leave Surprises Even You What if you are blindsided by a family need? Let’s say a grandparent comes down with a serious illness and needs full-time care or your child’s day care closes suddenly. In the case of an unanticipated need for extended leave, the request process will be shorter—you will make your request using the information you have in hand. But even without a ton of notice or prep, you can make a request that clearly states your need and why your organization should support it. • Frame the request around your need and future commitment to the organization. Tell your boss or company contact person what your needs are and the likely duration of the leave—a week or two (for example, until your day care reopens) or a month or more (such as when you’re dealing with the uncertainty of a family member’s illness). Convey the urgency of your need (giving only the details you feel comfortable providing). Offer assurances of your commitment to the organization and your colleagues, but don’t overpromise. • Indicate how you might manage the leave’s duration. Given your leave’s suddenness, your

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hands may be tied regarding the help you can give to reduce disruptions. Being realistic about how much time you need will help avoid mixed signals. Setting a specific point—say, two weeks or a month—when you’ll purposefully check in with your boss about the status of your emergency may help allay concerns about lack of certainty of the length of your leave. And if the leave must be indefinite, as in the case of serious family illness, it is better to say so. • Check in—but respect the real constraints you face. Your personal bandwidth in dealing with an urgent family need is probably more limited than if you’d had advance time to prepare. So be it. You may need to disengage from work more completely. If you’re able to check in with your boss and colleagues, even briefly, it eases your return.

What If the Answer Is No? What is your best alternative if you are not granted a leave of absence? Recall the goal of your leave and consider how you might still meet it in some way. Do you need to quit? Shortchange your home responsibilities? Shelve your novel project for a better, later time? Or burn your-

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self out working extra hours in every arena of your life to meet your personal and professional commitments? If your leave request is not granted and reduced hours won’t help you meet your goal, pivot and lobby for the flexibility you need—“no” can sometimes mean “maybe.” You can also escalate to look for support elsewhere— from HR or senior leaders. The latter option has some political risks, so be savvy about who to talk with and how your request can be a win-win. Last, you can offer to quit. This is a card you probably can only play once a job, but if getting an extended leave really is important to you, this can give you leverage—or provide evidence that this isn’t the best employer for you. Consider how you frame quitting. “I am sorry to say this, but I might have to quit this job . . .” is very different from “If I don’t get leave, I am out of here!” If this is your last resort, try to introduce this last, most dire option in a way that will preserve your reputation and your relationship with your boss, coworkers, and the organization.

Everyone Needs a Leave Sometime Asking for what you need is a life skill—on the job, at home, in any realm of your life. Negotiating and joint problem solving are the best way forward to realizing your goals. It is normal to craft your work situation

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much as you do your home life: to meet your needs and build good relationships. In your daily interactions at work, you are gathering intelligence about how the organization functions, what others care about, and your own goals and concerns. You can put that intelligence to use—whether you anticipate needing a leave or the need for leave finds you. Adapted from “How to Ask for an Extended Leave from Work,” on hbr.org, February 16, 2021 (product #H066YQ).

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Section 4

Table Talk Tough Discussions with Your Family

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How to Negotiate with Your Kids by Mary C. Kern and Terri R. Kurtzberg

Quick Takes • Sidestep emotions and recognize repetitive arguments • Prepare like you would for a negotiation at work • Know what you’re trying to accomplish • Ask questions • Present ideas in ways that appeal

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ou’re going to negotiate with your kids today, probably multiple times. According to one informal survey of 2,000 parents, we negotiate with our children an average of six times a day (lasting about eight minutes each, or 24 hours a month).1 Unfortunately, parents often feel that these negotiations don’t go well. In our experience as social scientists, professors, and with our own kids—as well as through discussions with hundreds of parents while researching our book Negotiating at Home: Essential Steps for Reaching Agreement with Your Kids—we heard story after story of parents who were highly effective at the conference table but less so around the dinner table. One successful executive explained that he routinely received compliments on his negotiation skills at work, but at home he often found himself resorting to “Go ask your mother!” when faced with an irrational, shortsighted third-grader. When reminded that he often negotiated with irrational, shortsighted business clients, he was perplexed.

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Stumbling in Negotiations at Home Why does this happen to people who can execute highstakes deals, who can persuade their colleagues to take new points of view, and who can handle conversations about raises and promotions with ease? Three challenges of negotiating with our children stand out: • Emotion. Our kids reach for different tools than our colleagues—guilt trips, meltdowns, playing one parent off the other—in no small part because they know they can’t get fired, and neither can we! We also let ourselves act and react in more extreme ways than we would in the office. Successful negotiators at work know how to stay focused on the problem and not get sidetracked by interpersonal dynamics. • Repetition. We engage in the same conversations—bedtime, screen time, mealtime—again and again, and thus fall into patterns and ruts in the ways we respond. At work, negotiations are more contained and don’t tend to carry over as much from one situation to the next. • Preparation. Because they’re unannounced, because they’re with our kids, and because they’re often over everyday things like chores and dessert,

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we don’t tend to plan for these negotiations or prepare psychologically. At work, we can often anticipate a negotiation, and so do our due diligence and prepare ahead of time. The problem isn’t that professional negotiation skills don’t apply at home—it’s that we’re not using them. In fact, bringing your professional expertise home can unlock unrealized value in your negotiations with your kids. Working parents especially need to get to winwin agreements, which are those that protect the main interests of both sides. Time and energy are precious, and these agreements solve immediate problems, prevent their recurrence, strengthen your relationships, and enhance your family time. Here are some strategies to reach them.

Know What You’re Really Here to Accomplish At work, we are generally clear with ourselves about what we want out of a situation and see reaching our overarching goal as a problem to be solved. At home, we get mired in specific positions and power struggles, which can distract us from being open to more productive solutions. Think of the parent who successfully haggled with her child about wearing a hat outside. When my daughter 104

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didn’t want to wear her hat and had that look on her face that told me she was prepared to go to the mat over this, I instead proposed a game of Little Red Riding Hood. I told her my own scarf would be the hood and that I would get to be the star, upon which she begged to wear it. Instead of either just giving in or engaging in a winner-take-all battle of “hat or no hat,” the parent realized that her central interest was keeping the child’s head warm. Knowing what’s most important, and what you can or cannot live without in an agreement, will help you stay true to your “north star” instead of getting stuck on any one idea.

Ask Questions to Fill in the Gaps Nobody knows your kids better than you do. This is tremendously useful for negotiations, but since we can never fully know what’s going on with another person in any given moment, this also creates a blind spot. My child and I butted heads over a donut. He wanted the whole donut all at once, while I wanted to give him half first, and the second half if he still wanted it. It was ugly, and I finally gave in out of exasperation. If we had a disagreement like this at work, we would likely ask the colleague why they cared so much about it, but the parent skipped this step. When he offered the donut in two halves, he failed to account for the value 105

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his child placed on being able to bite into a giant, whole donut. Had he asked for his child’s perspective, it might have changed the interaction in tone at least, if not in behavior. Offering the chance to participate and explain his side would also have helped inspire a sense of fair play.

Use the Right Approach at the Right Time Every executive knows that some battles don’t need to be fought at all, some might be strategically postponed, and others just need a firm decision made at the top. Parents similarly would benefit from choosing the right strategy for the right moment instead of engaging thoughtlessly. The same approach might land very differently as your kids grow up (or even based on whether they’re hungry at that moment). Decide when to disengage entirely (I knew nothing good was going to come of continuing the conversation at that point, so I said we needed to table it until later) and when to spend the time trying to better grasp the situation. And while “Because I said so!” is the right answer sometimes, if used too often our kids start to tune it (and you) out. Explaining how decisions get made can greatly increase compliance and goodwill.

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Present Ideas in Ways That Appeal Effective managers know that it’s not just what you say, but how you say it. Busy parents can minimize contentious back-and-forth by crafting their statements to pave the way toward acceptance. Go first. Much of your conversation will consist of offers

and counteroffers, so use these to signal your own interests and your insight into their interests. State offers early in the negotiation to anchor the rest of the conversation by setting expectations and orienting subsequent counteroffers. Offering a 10 p.m. curfew usually means my son asks for 11 in response, and we settle on 10:30. If he got to go first, he’d ask for midnight and then we’d end up settling at 11! Embed choice. Instead of a single offer, two or three

choices, framed in terms of their priorities, make it easier for your kids to say yes. Choice gives a sense of control over both the process and the outcome. A parent ordering takeout mastered this technique: I announced where we would be ordering from instead of opening the floor for debate but allowed each child to choose a dish. This one small change sidestepped an ongoing moment of tension in our house.

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Highlight reference points. We consider offers not in

isolation but as compared to other alternatives. For example, an item on sale seems like a great deal in no small part because of the larger (original) price tag. This works because as compared to the “it could have been worse” option, the proposed option seems more palatable. I told my teen that her actions could have resulted in a much more severe punishment, but that I would go easy on her and reduce it. Address fairness. “It’s not fair!” is a common refrain,

but kids’ assumptions that fairness is based on everything being exactly equal can be overly simplistic and limiting.  While splitting the cookie between siblings right down the middle is generally a good practice, perhaps the 4-year-old shouldn’t get as much dessert as the teenager. Nor should the two kids split the last piece of cake in half if one prefers the icing and the other the cake. In our house, we created a word—“unfaired”—to describe that feeling of injustice. When our kids use it, we can recognize that we understand why something might feel unfair to them and then analyze why something might be fair even if it wasn’t equal. Don’t do all the talking. Silence can be a powerful tool.

It can both help you avoid making unilateral concessions (like increasing your offers prematurely) and give your child a chance to contribute. My son wanted to take the 108

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trolley back to the hotel after lunch, but I said I wanted to walk back to take advantage of the nice day. Instead of immediately overruling him, I paused. He then suggested that we walk in the opposite direction to get in a longer walk and take a longer trolley ride back. • • • Successful managers know how to prioritize their goals, ask good questions, and put offers on the table in ways that inspire creativity and generate agreements that both sides want to say yes to. These same skills can help working parents (especially with today’s increased at-home hours) create positive outcomes with their kids to both help navigate difficult moments and model effective problem-solving skills. Your kids continue to grow, and so must your skill set. And by practicing with your entrenched, passionate, persistent toddlers and teens, your kids may even make you better at your job. Adapted from content posted on hbr.org, May 29, 2020 (product #H05MY1).

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Help Your Partner Cope with Work Stress by Rebecca Knight

Quick Takes • Give your partner your undivided attention • Be compassionate—not competitive • Ask probing questions • Consider the difference between sporadic and chronic stress • Encourage your spouse to develop their support network • Create a haven

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ome is a sanctuary from work stress, right? Not always. Even if you are able to leave your projects and worries at the office, your spouse may have difficulty doing so—and that stress can rub off on you. How can you help your partner cope? What’s the best thing to say when your partner starts complaining—and what should you not say? Is there a way to help them see things differently? And how can you set boundaries so that home can be a haven again?

What the Experts Say Dealing with stress is a fact of working life. And when you’re half of a dual-career couple, you have both your own stress to manage and your significant other’s stress as well. But that’s not necessarily a bad thing, according to Jennifer Petriglieri, assistant professor of organizational behavior at INSEAD. “Two careers can mean twice the stress, but it can also mean twice the empathy and understanding,” she says. What’s more, she adds, helping your partner learn to cope with stress helps you cope with it

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better, too. “When a couple is good at managing stress, it makes them [as individuals] more resilient.” The key, says John Coleman, coauthor of the book Passion and Purpose, is to move away from the notion that “you’re two individuals managing stress” and move toward the idea that “you’re partners managing it together.” Your goal, he adds, is to “become a constructive outlet” for your spouse. So, whether your significant other is stressing over a conflict with their boss, looming layoffs, or a crazy-making client, here are some pointers on how to help.

Listen When your partner gets home from work and begins recounting their latest office irritation, many of us tend to “only half-listen” to them, Petriglieri says. “It’s 7 p.m.— you’re trying to make dinner and the kids are around— and so you nod and say, ‘Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh.’” But that’s likely to leave your partner even more frustrated. Instead, she suggests, “give your partner your undivided attention.” Listen and “really focus on what your partner is saying.” Don’t interrupt. “It’s quite likely that your partner just needs to rant for three minutes and get something off their chest,” she says. Don’t offer advice— at least not yet, Coleman says. “You don’t always need to be a problem solver,” he adds. “Sometimes your partner just needs to be heard.”

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Offer support It’s critical to “show engagement in what your partner is saying,” Coleman says. “Don’t just look at them with a fixed stare.” Instead, “say supportive things and use supportive language.” Empathize and sympathize, but don’t compare your stress to your spouse’s. “When your partner starts complaining, don’t say, ‘Oh, you think your day was bad, listen to what I had to deal with!’ It doesn’t help anything.” Stress endurance is not a competition. Still, it’s not always easy to provide on-demand support and encouragement, and sometimes “you are not mentally ready to deal with your partner’s problems,” he says. If it’s an inopportune time, Petriglieri suggests, offer to “follow up on the conversation later in the evening, the next day, or even at the weekend.” The important thing is that you “leave the door open to further conversation.”

Play career coach (judiciously) “The benefit of having a spouse is that they know you as well as you know yourself”—maybe even a little better, Coleman says. “So if you get a sense that your partner is misreading a situation at work or heading in the wrong direction, you need to say something.” He suggests “asking good questions that will broaden” your significant other’s perspective. Try probing but nonthreatening

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lines of inquiry, such as, “‘What makes you think that’s the case?’ Or, ‘Is there a situation in which a different response would be warranted?’ Sometimes you have to help your partner identify a blind spot,” he says. Offer advice—but be gentle about it, Petriglieri says. She recommends saying something like, “‘I have a suggestion on a path forward. Can I share it?’ It takes the heat out of what you have to say.”

Reflect It’s also important to be aware of the type of stress your partner is experiencing, according to Petriglieri. There are two kinds of work stress. “There’s sporadic stress, which is the result of a bad meeting or a client project gone awry,” and there’s “chronic stress, which bubbles under the surface” for a prolonged period. Chronic stress, she says, is a signal that your significant other may “be in the wrong place.” It’s the “classic boiling frog syndrome,” she adds. To wit, you need to “notice your partner’s attitude, mood, and patterns,” and help them reflect on their career and professional path. “Ask, ‘How are things going? Are you where you want to be? Are you satisfied?’” Granted, these questions are fodder “for a longer, meaningful conversation that’s more appropriate for a night out or a long walk on the beach.” But if your spouse is struggling, you need to be on top of it.

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Encourage outside friendships and interests Yet, “you cannot be the sole repository for your partner’s stress,” Coleman says. “Typically, partners are the ones we rely on the most. But relying on each other too much can sour a relationship.” That’s why you need to “help your partner have a life outside of home and work,” he says. “Create a third space. Give them the freedom and space to pursue things they enjoy—such as a hobby or a sport.” It’s also critical that both of you maintain an “outside support network” of “folks who can help you work through” professional challenges and serve as sounding boards and sources of counsel. Encourage your spouse to “keep up existing relationships” and “cultivate new friendships and connections,” Petriglieri says. It might also be worthwhile to “encourage your partner to see a therapist or work with a career coach,” she adds. “It could push [your spouse’s] development forward.” Bear in mind, though, the therapist or coach ought to be “a complement, not a substitute” for you.

Decompress together Finally, cultivate “your home as a haven,” Coleman says. This is easier said than done. The ubiquity of mobile phones and laptop computers and the 24/7 nature of work are big obstacles. That’s why “you and your spouse need to practice good mobile device habits,” he says. “There 116

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need to be times of day where you both put down your mobile phones; you need to draw a distinction of when a work device can be used at home.” He also suggests helping your partner “develop a good end-of-work habit.” It could be encouraging them to listen to an audiobook or music or just take a walk at the end of the workday. “You both need time to decompress.” Adapted from “How to Help Your Spouse Cope with Work Stress,” on hbr.org, August 20, 2018 (product #H04I6P).

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What You Should Tell Your Kids About Finding a Career by James M. Citrin

Quick Takes • Encourage your kids to discover their strengths and interests and learn marketable skills early on • Advise them to develop a reputation and make meaningful contributions to their organization after a few years in the workforce • Promote their understanding of the trade-offs between job satisfaction, lifestyle, and money • Help them cultivate a relationship mindset

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fter board dinners, we inevitably sit around and talk about our kids and their careers,” Dave Calhoun recently told me. “Frankly, we’re often at a loss with how to help them.” If someone with Calhoun’s experience has trouble with this—he’s chairman of Nielsen’s board, sits on the boards of Boeing and Caterpillar, and is on the management committee at Blackstone—I know he can’t be alone. It’s difficult to advise kids about how careers really work today and how to get any job, much less a great job. All parents love their kids and want to set them up for a life of self-sufficiency, meaning, and happiness. But at the same time, your advice may be heavily discounted— the world has changed since you were job hunting as a new grad, and your kid may not see that you realize that. Moreover, whether you intend it or not, chances are your kids will perceive that you expect them to surpass your own success, which can make even the most wellintentioned conversation feel fraught. So what should you say—and not say—when it comes to helping your kids with their careers?

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Your Potential Outweighs Your Experience When You’re Starting Out Begin by telling them that in the early going, they will be valued more for their potential than for their experience and track record. I call the first couple of years in one’s career the Aspiration Phase, in which it’s all about exercising one’s intellectual and interpersonal energies, and bringing enthusiasm, work ethic, and energy to an organization. The Aspiration Phase is about discovery, the process of learning, and the development of knowledge—the time when your kids will be getting the early experiences that will inform and influence their career. The most important objective is for them to discover their strengths and interests, and to begin learning marketable skills. They should try out as many different kinds of tasks and jobs as possible, and get feedback from peers, friends, and mentors to help them identify what they’re good at (and what they’re not).

Discover Your Strengths and Interests When your child gets to their middle to late twenties, they are likely to be in what I call the Promise Phase. During this stage, their value will begin to be recognized

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through compensation, promotions, and access to the best assignments and mentors. Your kids should continue to explore their interests and talents, but the key will be to also begin to develop a track record and reputation for specific professional skills, and in so doing, make meaningful contributions to their organization. During this stage, encourage them to find answers to questions such as whether they prefer working on their own, in small project teams, or in larger organizations, and whether they are honestly willing to put up with the late nights and weekend work required for jobs in lucrative sectors like technology and financial services. They should reflect on whether they thrive in competitive environments, where there are stars and also-rans, or if they prefer cultures that put a premium on teamwork or tenure. Honest answers to these kinds of questions will help guide them to the career paths more suited to them.

There Will Be Trade-offs If your college graduate is struggling to answer these questions, help them understand that there are inevitable trade-offs to be made between three competing forces: 1. Job satisfaction, which is all about the inherent quality of what they are working on, the impact of the role, how much autonomy they have and how

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much they’re learning, and how proud they are to be associated with a brand 2. Lifestyle, which has to do with where they live, their working hours, how much control they have over their schedule, if they have to commute, and general working conditions 3. Money, which includes base salary, bonus potential, and perhaps equity or long-term compensation This is the career triangle. It’s relatively easy to maximize one of the points on the triangle, and it’s not impossible to optimize a second. But especially in the early years of one’s career, it’s incredibly difficult to max out all three. If your daughter is complaining about working until midnight as an investment banking intern, ask her if she really enjoys the work. If not, she may want to consider an alternative direction as she’s only optimizing the money point of the triangle. If your son is having trouble making ends meet working for Teach for America but loves the job and enjoys where he’s currently based, encourage him to live frugally and know that there will be time to rebalance his career around compensation a little later. Speaking about money and jobs, there is a single piece of advice you can give your kids that is so obvious that many people overlook it. If your son or daughter wants to make a lot of money, the single best way is to go into a field that pays well.

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Relationships Matter Relationships are critical both to getting jobs and to being successful once on the job. But it is also one of the most essential factors to overall happiness. Encourage your kids to have a relationship mindset, always seeking to help others and making an extra effort to be polite to everyone they come into contact with, especially in a professional context, regardless of what role or how senior someone is in an organization. Stress the importance of following up on introductions and sending thank-you emails. But I would actually advise you to not encourage your kid to network. Trust me, they have been buffeted by messages about how everything happens through networking. They are likely to already believe that they will need to network to find jobs. Not only do they not need extra pressure to do that, they will be more effective and happier if you encourage them to focus less on networking and more on finding ways to develop meaningful relationships, based on the timeless truth of give-and-take. No doubt your child has already gotten a lot of advice from their career counseling office on the basics of setting up a LinkedIn profile, writing a résumé, and interviewing. They may even have been taught how to create a target list that organizes their first-choice companies into a spreadsheet, with contacts, follow-ups, and next steps. Books like mine and good career counselors can 124

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teach them that. But as their parent, they’re looking to you for something else. They don’t need you to organize their job search for them, nag them, or serve up unhelpful platitudes like “follow your passions.” Instead, help them think through the trade-offs they’ll have to make. Resist the urge to relate everything back to your own experience—that can come across as, “Here’s how I did it, so it’s the road you should take, too.” Instead, let your child know that their career will likely follow a winding path, with multiple left and right turns. You can’t give them a map—but you can give them encouragement that there is indeed one, and you can help them learn to read it for themselves. Adapted from content posted on hbr.org, May 15, 2015 (product #H0226Z).

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Section 5

If You Can’t Say Something Nice . . . Keep Your Self-Talk Positive

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How to Talk to Yourself with Compassion by Alice Boyes

Quick Takes • Give yourself a gentle and supportive nudge by asking what you need in this moment • Use irreverence to challenge your beliefs • Reframe a trait or tendency to take a more balanced view • Identify your patterns of self-sabotage • Borrow language from friends, quotes, or proverbs • Write scripts for common scenarios

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ften, we’re our own worst critic. When we feel anxious or frustrated, we talk to ourselves more harshly than we’d find acceptable from anyone else. I blew that presentation. Everyone on my team has such strong technical skills; I can’t follow the conversation. My kiddo is going to be so mad at me for working late again. We wrongly assume that criticism will motivate us to do better. We become even more of a perfectionist than usual. Instead of talking to ourselves with self-compassion, we raise our standards for our behavior as a defense against our feelings of doubt, anxiety, or frustration. Self-compassion improves people’s participation in groups and is associated with a more adaptive attitude to failure.1 People who are self-compassionate recover better from psychological knocks, like relationship breakups and career setbacks.2 When people have self-compassion skills, they have options for feeling better beyond decimating a large bag of chips. One way to show yourself compassion is through selftalk. Here’s what that is and how it works.

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What Are the Ingredients of Compassionate Self-Talk? There are four elements of self-compassion: using a tone of kindness, recognizing that pain is a universal human experience, taking a balanced approach to our negative emotions that neither suppresses or exaggerates them, and expecting yourself to make the best decision you can in the situation you’re in.

What Does Compassionate Self-Talk Look Like? Here are three examples of what it looks like in the real world: Sometimes, compassionate self-talk is a gentle and supportive nudge. For example, I like to ask myself, What do I need right now? This gives me the flexibility to choose what’s most self-compassionate in a given situation. Since I’m prone to worry and micromanage everything, a message like trust the process for a while can help me let go. At other times, greater self-discipline is the kinder thing to do. For example, I might need to knuckle down to do a task I’ve been putting off. If that relieves my dread, it’s self-compassionate. In this scenario, I might

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say to myself, You don’t want to start because you’re anxious. That’s understandable. You want to do a good job. The best way to do a good job is to chip away at it. You don’t have to work on it all day. Give it 90 minutes and then enjoy the rest of the day. Sometimes, self-compassionate talk is an irreverent challenge of beliefs. For example, I’ve written hundreds of blog articles. Some have over a million reads. Yet sometimes I’ll doubt myself. I’m not very good at this. I have nothing unique to say about this. Instead of taking these thoughts seriously, I will lightheartedly say to myself, Yup, you’ve forgotten how to do this. A fairy must’ve come overnight and taken away all the skills you used to write those other hundreds of articles. Everyone who shares your articles thinks they’re boring. That’s why editors keep giving you opportunities. That irreverence jolts me into a more realistic view of my competencies and opportunities. And sometimes, self-compassionate talk is reframing a trait or tendency, like perfectionism. Use it to prevent psyching yourself out and letting perfect be the enemy of done. Perfectionists are less likely to be selfcompassionate.3 Self-compassion can help you take a more balanced view of yourself and see when not everything is great (say, your performance on a project), but not everything is terrible (your entire career is a flop). A perfectionist might say to themselves, I have to get this exactly right, first try, or I’ll never get another opportunity. 132

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That attitude can make starting at all feel too daunting. Someone who is self-compassionate might say to themselves, Everyone has blind spots that result in first attempts being imperfect. I don’t have to get everything right all on my own. I can use others’ perspectives. That’s how great work happens.

How to Get Better at Compassionate Self-Talk You control the conversation in your head, and you can reframe it positively in a way that feels natural and authentic to you. When you find yourself ruminating (such as rehashing past decisions, doing social comparison, dwelling on your imperfections), it’s time to practice self-compassion. 1. Understand your sabotaging patterns. Selfcompassion often involves knowing what your sabotaging patterns are in the first place. One of mine is that when I get anxious, I overwork. Then I drag other people into it. I apply my anxiety-driven high standards to others, which drives people nuts and causes tension in my working relationships. If you know you have a sabotaging pattern, self-compassion can help you gently acknowledge it and make a better choice when you notice it 133

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occurring (I’ve written lots more about this in The Healthy Mind Toolkit). Compassionate self-talk in this scenario might be I want to nitpick because I want to be in control. That soothes me, so it’s understandable I want to do it. I need to be strategic and think about the big picture here. Overall, that’s going to help me feel the best. 2. Pay attention to what others say that soothes you. Notice when a mentor or friend says something that soothes and calms you. This could be a comment particular to you, or even a proverb like “You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink.” Incorporate what they say into your self-talk. Hearing their words in your head might help you let go of control and perfectionism. Listen to your emotions to understand what phrases and messages help you feel better and make better decisions. 3. Plan ahead. Come up with a half-dozen common scenarios in which you think compassionate self-talk would help you make better decisions. Here are some examples to spark your thinking: when I’m working with new people, when I sense my perfectionism is driving other people nuts, when other people are better than me at something. For each scenario, write some sample

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language for what compassionate self-talk would sound like. 4. Ask for help. Your scenarios will be personal to you. If you’re stuck, ask a therapist (or emotionally skilled mentor or friend) to help you. For example, bring your list of triggering situations to a therapy or coaching session and work together to come up with effective, compassionate responses.

Common Misconceptions Here are some common traps to avoid and hints to make your self-talk feel more natural: • Self-compassionate talk is cloying or flowery. You might think your self-talk needs to be new-age sounding. It doesn’t. I’ve seen examples that include calling yourself “Dear.” I think, Oh hell, no. Find a tone that’s both kind and appealing to you. You’re more likely to believe yourself if you use language that feels real to you. • Self-compassionate talk alone will do the trick. Talking to yourself with compassion isn’t a stand-alone strategy; it’s one you combine with other skills. For example, combine self-compassion

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with project management skills for breaking down difficult tasks into achievable chunks. • Self-compassionate talk happens in the moment. When it comes to self-compassion, a common piece of advice is to talk to yourself as you’d talk to your friends or your child. This assumes you’re already good at compassionate talk. If you are, you may be able to borrow elements. If you’re still learning, make specific if-then plans for language to respond to what commonly triggers rumination, self-criticism, and difficult emotions for you. • Self-compassion is positive thinking. It takes more than generic cheerleading like “you can do it!” to practice self-compassion. Often, it’s acknowledging I’m not doing this as well as I’d like to be, then recognizing that those difficult emotions are a universal experience and coming up with a kind game plan for yourself. For example, if you’re waiting to have a scan for a suspicious lump, acknowledging your fear but deciding to think optimistically until you get more information might be what you need. For example, I’m going to choose not to worry excessively about this until I know whether it’s a problem. I’m scared, but I don’t need to run through every scenario in advance. I can trust myself to make good decisions once I have full information. 136

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Model Talking to Yourself with Self-Compassion to Your Children The more your kids see you taking on projects outside your comfort zone, the more opportunity you’ll have to demonstrate how you react emotionally to being challenged. Say out loud, “I’ve never done this before. I’m feeling nervous. I’m going to handle it by reading the instructions twice.” Or “I’m feeling stuck with this; let’s take a break till tomorrow and try again.” Let them hear you verbalize your strategies, see you accept the presence of difficult emotions, and move forward in productive ways with those emotions. With little kids: Model how to handle your

thoughts and emotions when what you try doesn’t always work. For example, my 4-year-old and I do crafting projects, like building dioramas. We try various materials from around the house and garden. Some of our ideas work, others flop. I use language like “We’re not as good at this as the people in the YouTube videos. They’ve practiced more than us and have more supplies. We can try our best and come up with our own ideas to use what we have at our house.” With teens: Talk to your teenager about your

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or fourth try, or of working in groups with people more skilled than you are. Even if it seems as if they are tuning you out, something will get through.4 Sometimes you might want to revisit experiences to help your children emotionally process events. You might say, “You know last week when you were feeling confused about what your teacher wanted for your project? That happened to me at work today. I thought about you when it happened. I knew I wasn’t giving my coworker exactly what she wanted, but I wasn’t sure what I was missing. It’s a tough feeling to go through. And it took a while to figure it out, but I got there in the end. Just like you did. It didn’t feel great to go through that uncertainty, but it happens to everyone.” Kids don’t need to think that their parents never experience negative emotions or doubt. They need to feel confident that their parents can handle themselves, will always be accessible to them, and will keep them safe, even when they’re having difficult emotions. Talking to yourself with self-compassion will help you deal with a raft of challenging situations, including those you experience personally and those you need to help your kids (or students or employees) through. To use it effectively, follow these practices to build specific, personalized habits of self-compassionate talk. Adapted from “Be Kinder to Yourself,” on hbr.org, January 12, 2021 (product H063MP).

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Make Peace with Your Inner Critic An Interview with Tara Mohr by Sarah Green Carmichael

Quick Takes • Consider whether desire for praise is keeping you from taking risks • Understand the difference between your inner critic and realistic thinking • Notice and name your inner critic • Allow your inner critic to be present but not run the show • Avoid arguing with someone else’s inner critic

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e spoke with Tara Mohr, author of Playing Big, about how to deal with self-doubt (or help someone else manage theirs).

SARAH GREEN CARMICHAEL: You argue in your book

that too many of us are playing small when we actually have the capacity to do bigger things. Is it just fear that holds us back? What’s really getting in our way? TARA MOHR: Fear is absolutely at the core. Fear of fail-

ure, fear of rejection, fear of doing something so innovative that maybe it’s controversial or makes you feel alone in what you’re doing. All of those are really big fears. But another huge block for people is simply self-doubt. It’s having that inner-critic voice and not having any tools to manage it. SGC: Why is it important to reevaluate your relationship

with praise and criticism? TM: Ask, “Is my relationship to praise really serving my

biggest goals?” Many people come to a juncture in their

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careers where to move forward, they need to evolve their relationship to praise, particularly if they’ve been high achievers. That could start early in your life or early in school. Or it might start when you really found your groove in your career. You’re used to getting gold stars and awesome performance reviews. You’re used to wowing the client. You’re used to getting the job that you applied for. All of those things are different forms of praise. We can become reliant on that, even addicted to it. Then that can prevent us from making an important lateral career move into a new area that we need to delve into to ultimately get to the next step. Or it might prevent us from applying for something that feels like a huge stretch, because we’ve gotten so used to that positive feedback that we don’t want to have a different kind of experience. Or it might prevent us from doing our most innovative work, which is probably going to be more polarizing in the feedback that it brings. These are some of the ways that being attached to praise can limit us. That’s why we might want to unhook from it, so we can go for greater challenge, be more innovative, and express more of our unique point of view and our voice. Ultimately I think most of us know that is what’s needed to get us to our long-term goals and to simply feel more free and fulfi lled in our work.

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SGC: How do you then decide that you should definitely

listen to your inner critic if it’s a bad decision? Or say to yourself, “No, I’m going to just go for it”? TM: Your inner critic is very different from your voice

of critical thinking or realistic thinking. You never want to listen to your inner critic as if it’s telling the truth, because it’s not. You might hear something similar coming from your critical thinking or your realistic thinking, but it will sound really different. The way that we can tell the inner-critic voice from the voice of realistic thinking or positive critical thinking has to do with the tone of the thoughts in our head. The inner critic will tend to be very repetitive, like a broken record. It might be, There’s no way this is going to work, if you’re starting a new venture. Or, repetitively, You don’t have what it takes to manage this team well. It will be very black-and-white in its thinking. The inner-critic voice is quite binary. If it’s talking to you in a way that is harsher and meaner than you would speak to someone you love, you’re hearing the inner critic. The voice of realistic thinking, in contrast, is not repetitive. It’s forward moving. It might sound like, I’m getting some clues that I am really not managing this team that well. But realistic thinking will move you to the next place. What might I be able to do to address that? What kind of support can I get? Is this the right move for me? It will have a curious generative tone and will be much kinder to you. 142

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The voice of realistic thinking seeks solutions and moving forward. It’s able to see the gray, whereas the inner critic is not. That’s how you can distinguish the two. SGC: What should we say to our inner critic? TM: First, when you hear your inner critic, name it for

what it is and simply notice it. I’ll give you an example. When my book was coming out, I had an opportunity to write an essay about it for the New York Times. At first, I had in my head that there’s no way that the New York Times op-ed page was going to publish one of my essays. I’m not a fluid and articulate writer. I thought that for about five days before I thought, Wait a second, maybe that’s not true. Maybe that’s my inner critic. That’s active noticing, which doesn’t always come immediately, because when it’s our own inner critic, it feels so true. But then I asked myself—and this is step two—why would my safety instinct not want me to do this thing? When I asked myself that question, I could suddenly see the part of me that’s super scared about anything that feels emotionally unsafe doesn’t want me to write an op-ed for the Times. It’s going to get all kinds of feedback. People are going to like it or not. So, of course, there’s a reason my safety instincts were trying to talk me out of doing it. Now I have some awareness about why that inner-critic voice is coming out. 143

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I need to allow it to be present, but not run the show. I wrote that entire article with the inner critic still chattering that there’s no way this is going to be published and it’s going to be horrible. It was published and it did great. The act of knowing what it is is recognizing it in the moment and then allowing it to be present. You’re saying, basically, Thank you for your input, but I’ve got this covered. You’re allowed to be here, but you’re not allowed to make the decision about what I do or don’t do. SGC: What advice do you have for someone who is man-

aging an employee with an overactive inner critic? TM: The common mistake that we make—as managers,

friends, parents—is that we think our job is to argue with that person’s inner critic. So their inner critic might be saying, I’m just terrible with numbers. As a manager, you see that this person has potential in this area or you think they’re good at it, so you might think your job is to say, “No, you’re really not terrible with numbers.” Arguing with another person’s inner critic will rarely be effective. At the right moment, that person might suddenly hear that you believe in them, which causes them to see something different about themselves. But that happens maybe once in a thousand times, because for that person, there is some risk and they’re afraid. Their inner critic has one argument to try to prevent them from doing something. 144

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If you convince them, their fear will just produce their next argument. You might notice that you finally convinced the person that they’re qualified, but then they say that they don’t want to do it because they want to focus on another project. Or they say it doesn’t fit with their priorities or their long-term goals right now. Arguing with the inner critic usually doesn’t work. Instead, start a conversation: “I hear that you don’t feel you’re capable. I see you as really capable. I’m wondering if there’s some self-doubt at play that’s not grounded in the facts here.” Share with them some of the irrational things your inner critic says to you: “Here’s how I’ve learned to not listen to it and how I think of what that voice is.” Instead of waiting for them to build confidence, you start to recognize a skill. The skills of managing one’s inner critic is something that you want to develop in your people and have an open conversation about, because the inner critic will prevent them from fulfilling their highest potential. The inner critic will also prevent them from telling you what you need to know about the business or new possibilities. They feel self-doubt when they say something that maybe only they’re noticing or that isn’t being discussed yet. Adapted from “Make Peace with Your Inner Critic,” on HBR IdeaCast (podcast), January 14, 2016.

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Epilogue

Last Word

17

Being a Parent Made Me a Better Manager, and Vice Versa by Jelena Zikic

Quick Takes • Apply the skills you learn by working and by parenting in both realms • Recognize that dealing with routine chaos makes you highly adaptable • Create safe spaces at home and at work • Learn from feedback and mistakes

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O

ver the last 10 or 15 years, those of us who work for organizations have gotten more and more comfortable talking about work-life balance as a business issue; about making the workplace more human, authentic, and compassionate; and about discussing work as something that deserves passion, meaning, even love. Yet when we go home at the end of the day, how much of what we learn at work about prioritizing, communicating, and managing conflict do we leave at the office? Even more important, when we go back into work the following morning, how much of what we’ve learned from our families about patience, empathy, and so on do we leave at home? Becoming a parent has made me realize just how absurd and wasteful this lack of spillover is. Who we are as parents matters to who we are at work. The skills we learn as we engage in parenting ought to transfer into our work, and vice versa. As a researcher, I have approached my parenting role similarly to how I’ve approached research topics—with true passion and curiosity to fully understand all of its intricacies. This has meant reading parenting literature, 150

Being a Parent Made Me a Better Manager, and Vice Versa

talking to other parents (in my research mind, I was “interviewing” them), and attending parenting workshops, all while noticing how effective (or not) my various approaches to parenting may be. Children, unlike many managers, are very quick and direct with feedback. My research is ongoing, but here are three skills I’ve learned from parenting that have helped me in my work life.

Adapting to Change As a parent, I find myself constantly adapting to new situations. My family team challenges me with new parenting dilemmas, just as things at work are never static. Our parenting journeys evolve as we see our children learn their first words, take their first steps, make friends, and face disappointments. The moment you feel you’ve got everyone on board and things seem to be going smoothly, the situation quickly changes; a new growth spurt or developmental milestone comes along, and suddenly you need to address new questions. Dealing with this routine chaos makes us better at creating our own dynamic capabilities. Raising children teaches us how to become more adaptive to change—to cope with change while learning from it. Children challenge us to accept that stability is not normal and that developing the readiness to deal with uncertainty and 151

Last Word

accept new daily challenges will make us perform better as parents. As our children grow, we grow with them. In this process, parenting allows us to reflect and adapt together with our children and sometimes even learn from our mistakes. The same sets of skills are an asset in today’s workforce.

Respecting Psychological Safety as a Universal Human Need How often do you think about making your coworkers feel safe? If you’re like most people, it’s not that often. Yet as a parent, how often do you think about making your kids feel safe? If you’re like most parents, it’s every day. As parents, we seek to create an environment where children can learn and grow, challenge themselves, and feel safe to explore, ask questions, and share their fears and uncertainties. The more we’re able to create a positive, open family environment, the stronger our relationships with our children become. In the same way, when we open our office door, we’re faced with one of the hardest and most important management tasks: managing relationships. The more open and psychologically safe our team environment is, the better our team dynamics will be. The more we can adopt a nurturing, open mindset with our colleagues or protégés, the stronger the bonds we build. As we strive to 152

Being a Parent Made Me a Better Manager, and Vice Versa

make our children resilient and capable of finding their own solutions, we can do the same with our team members. This means creating a culture at work where psychological safety comes first, where your coworkers feel comfortable and willing to share their concerns, needs, and ideas.

Self-Reflecting and Continually Improving Becoming a parent is one of the toughest jobs we can undertake. The hours are 24/7, yet it is often our most gratifying role. As in any role that motivates and challenges us, we want to be good at it. But while we may question our skills at parenting or at work, we may have trouble getting past self-doubt. Like leadership coaches, parenting experts would encourage us not only to question our parenting approaches but also to learn from our mistakes and our children’s feedback. Authentic parenting, like authentic leadership, invites us to be true to our values, open to feedback, expert at active listening, and willing to experiment with new approaches. This last point is what the “positive spillovers” idea rests upon. For positive spillovers between parenting and work to happen, we must reflect on how we operate and who we are in each domain. If we don’t question our 153

Last Word

existing ways of doing things, we can’t learn and we can’t improve. Our children are probably our best and most honest judges; they provide the most direct, trusting performance evaluation we’ll ever get. We can reflect on what they teach us to be better leaders, and we can use what we learn at work to be better parents. Adapted from content posted on hbr.org, May 9, 2016 (product #H02VMK).

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NOTES Chapter 3 1. “When It Comes to Driving, Most People Think Their Skills Are Above Average,” Association for Psychological Science, press release, August 28, 2014, https://www.psychologicalscience.org/ news/motr/when-it-comes-to-driving-most-people-think-their -skills-are-above-average.html. Chapter 5 1. Ralph van den Bosch and Toon W. Taris, “Authenticity at Work: Development and Validation of an Individual Authenticity Measure at Work,” Journal of Happiness Studies 15 (2014): 1–18. 2. Deborah MacNamara, “Learning a Language of the Heart,” Neufeld Institute, n.d., https://neufeldinstitute.org/learning-a -language-of-the-heart/. 3. Karen Huang et al., “It Doesn’t Hurt to Ask: Question-Asking Increases Liking,” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 113, no. 3 (2017): 430–452. 4. Michael Schaerer et al., “Advice Giving: A Subtle Pathway to Power,” Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin 44, no. 5 (2018): 746–761. Chapter 8 1. Globis Mediation Group, “38 Reasons: The Difficult Conversations Survey,” 2016, https://static1.squarespace.com/static/ 5a2eec3518b27d0e34328cf4/t/5a60a63a24a694c1165d99e0/ 1516283462153/38-Reasons-The-Difficult-Conversations-Survey -2016.pdf.

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Chapter 10 1. National Alliance on Mental Illness, “Mental Health by the Numbers,” n.d., https://www.nami.org/mhstats. 2. National Institute of Mental Health, “Depression: What Every Woman Should Know,” n.d., https://www.bellevuehospital.org.jm/ pdf/depression_what _every_woman_should _know.pdf. 3. Office of Women’s Health, U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, “Working with a Mental Health Condition,” n.d., https://www.womenshealth.gov/mental-health/living-mental -health-condition/working-mental-health-condition. 4. U.S. Equal Employment Opportunity Commission, “Depression, PTSD, and Other Mental Health Conditions in the Workplace: Your Legal Rights,” n.d., https://www.eeoc.gov/ laws/guidance/depression-ptsd-other-mental-health-conditions -workplace-your-legal-rights. Chapter 12 1. Gemma Francis, “Parents Have More Than 2,000 Rows with Their Kids Every Year—and They Only ‘Win’ Half,” Mirror, July 26, 2018, https://www.mirror.co.uk/lifestyle/health/parents -more-2000-rows-kids-12983598. Chapter 15 1. Phoebe Long and Kristin D. Neff, “Self-Compassion Is Associated with Reduced Self-Presentation Concerns and Increased Student Communication Behavior,” Learning and Individual Differences 67 (October 2018): 223–231. 2. Jia Wei Zhang and Serena Chen, “Self-Compassion Promotes Positive Adjustment for People Who Attribute Responsibility of a Romantic Breakup to Themselves,” Self and Identity 16, no. 6 (2017): 732–759.

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3. Joachim Stoeber, Aneta V. Lalova, and Ellen J. Lumley, “Perfectionism, (Self-)Compassion, and Subjective Well-Being: A Mediation Model,” Personality and Individual Differences 154 (2020): 109708. 4. Alice Boyes, “6 Tips for How to Raise a Kid Who Is a Good Problem Solver,” Psychology Today, June 18, 2020, https://www .psychologytoday.com/us/blog/in-practice/202006/6-tips-how -raise-kid-who-is-good-problem-solver.

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ABOUT THE CONTRIBUTORS DAISY DOWLING, Series Editor, is founder and CEO

of Workparent, a specialty coaching and advisory firm focused on working parents. She writes about working parent solutions for HBR and is the author of Workparent: The Complete Guide to Succeeding on the Job, Staying True to Yourself, and Raising Happy Kids (Harvard Business Review Press, 2021). She is a full-time working parent to two young children. She can be reached at www.workparent.com. ALICE BOYES is a former clinical psychologist turned

writer and the author of The Healthy Mind Toolkit and The Anxiety Toolkit. She’s the mother of a creative 4-year-old. SARAH GREEN CARMICHAEL is a columnist and editor

at Bloomberg Opinion and was previously an executive editor at Harvard Business Review. She has affectionately named her rather perfectionistic inner critic “Hermione.” JAMES M. CITRIN is author of The Career Playbook: Es-

sential Advice for Today’s Aspiring Young Professional. He also leads Spencer Stuart’s North American CEO practice and is a core member of the firm’s board practice. A

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About the Contributors

dedicated father of three, he has been attempting to give his kids—and all of their friends—career advice since they were in college! PRISCILLA CLAMAN is a retired human resources

executive and consultant. She is a contributor to the HBR Guide to Getting the Right Job (Harvard Business Review Press, 2012). In addition to coaching many people through periods of corporate craziness, she survived a week with three children under 2 and a broken washing machine. In addition to her three children, she has nine grandchildren and is a supplemental parent to four dogs, two cats, a rabbit, a retired horse, and eleven chickens. JOSEPH FOLKMAN is the president of Zenger/Folkman,

a leadership development consultancy. He is a coauthor of the HBR article “Making Yourself Indispensable” and the book Speed: How Leaders Accelerate Successful Execution. Follow him on Twitter @joefolkman. AMY GALLO is a contributing editor at Harvard Business

Review and the author of the HBR Guide to Dealing with Conflict at Work (Harvard Business Review Press, 2017). She writes and speaks about workplace dynamics. As the parent of a teenager, she spends a lot of time trying to figure out how to apply her own advice on difficult conversations at home. Follow her on Twitter @amyegallo. 160

About the Contributors

MARK GOULSTON, is a business psychiatrist, execu-

tive adviser, keynote/TEDx speaker, and host of the My Wakeup Call podcast and the LinkedIn Live show  No Strings Attached. He is the author of Just Listen and coauthor of Why Cope When You Can Heal? He absolutely adores his grandchildren and is trying to make up with them for not being as present with his grown children when they were young. JOSEPH GRENNY is a four-time New York Times best-

selling author, keynote speaker, and leading social scientist for business performance. His work has been translated into 28 languages, is available in 36 countries, and has generated results for 300 of the Fortune 500. He is the cofounder of VitalSmarts, an innovator in corporate training and leadership development. MARY (MOLLY) C. KERN is an organizational psycholo-

gist and associate professor of management at Baruch College at the City University of New York. Her research and teaching focus on negotiation processes and team dynamics aimed toward maximizing performance and bounded ethicality to support ethical learners. Although a negotiation scholar, she gets a lot of real-world practice translating the science into more of an art with her two teenagers. REBECCA KNIGHT is a freelance journalist in Boston

whose work has been published in the New York Times, 161

About the Contributors

USA Today, and the Financial Times. She is the mom of two tweenage daughters. TERRI R. KURTZBERG is an associate professor of man-

agement at Rutgers Business School. She is the author of four books, and her research on e-communication and negotiations is frequently quoted in the media. She is the recipient of multiple teaching and research awards. She was especially grateful for her PhD in negotiations when she started raising two kids who were born negotiators, although on any given day, it’s anyone’s guess who has the edge. BRITTNEY MAXFIELD is the senior director of market-

ing communications at VitalSmarts. She is also a busy mom to three brilliant children, ages 8, 6, and 2. Her evenings are jam-packed with homework, soccer games, piano practice, and finding the closest drive-through everyone can agree on. And, despite the chaos, she wouldn’t have it any other way. TARA MOHR is an expert on women’s leadership and

well-being. She is the author of Playing Big: Practical Wisdom for Women Who Want to Speak Up, Create, and Lead and creator of the Playing Big leadership programs for women. Tara is the mom of two little people, ages 3 and 6, and lives in San Francisco, where she loves long,

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About the Contributors

hilly walks, superb coffee, and wearing cozy sweaters in the fog. SABINA NAWAZ is a global CEO coach, leadership key-

note speaker, and writer working in over 26 countries. She advises C-level executives in Fortune 500 corporations, government agencies, nonprofits, and academic organizations. Sabina has spoken at hundreds of seminars, events, and conferences, including TEDx, and has written for FastCompany.com, Inc.com, and Forbes.com. She is lucky to have the support of her stay-at-home husband. She counts as successful any meeting that’s free of interruption by her two teenage sons or two dogs. A successful day is one spent with them. Follow her on Twitter @sabinanawaz. BARBARA RICCI is the founding executive director of

Mindful Philanthropy, a new nonprofit organization whose mission is to increase informed giving in mental health, addiction, and community well-being. She is a senior adviser in behavioral health at the University of Pennsylvania’s Center for High Impact Philanthropy. She is a former board member at the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) and a former managing director at two global banks (UBS and Deutsche Bank). She is the mother of two sons, aunt of three nieces, and is inspired by a brother who lives with schizophrenia. She

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About the Contributors

is a firm believer that students should be allowed excused absences for physical and mental health reasons. DEBORAH GRAYSON RIEGEL is a keynote speaker,

executive coach, and consultant who teaches leadership communication for Wharton Business School and Columbia Business School. The author of  Overcoming Overthinking: 36 Ways to Tame Anxiety for Work, School, and Life, she consults with clients including Amazon, Bloomberg, PepsiCo, and the United States Army. Deborah and her husband, Michael, also an executive coach, learned everything they know about how to avoid difficult conversations as the parents of twins. DENISE M. ROUSSEAU is the H. J. Heinz II University

Professor of Organizational Behavior and Public Policy at Carnegie Mellon University. Her research focuses on the changing employment relationship and the effects employees have on organizations. She comes by her experience with the work-family–related negotiations in raising twins, who played office and school, but seldom house. The twins, now adults, do a much better job of work-family balance, of which their mother is proud. MONIQUE VALCOUR is an executive coach, keynote

speaker, and management professor. She helps clients create and sustain fulfilling and high-performance jobs, careers, workplaces, and lives. Her greatest joy in life is 164

About the Contributors

talking and laughing with her husband and two adult daughters. Contact her at www.moniquevalcour.com. JACK ZENGER is the CEO of Zenger/Folkman, a lead-

ership development consultancy. He is a coauthor of the HBR article, “Making Yourself Indispensable,” and the book Speed: How Leaders Accelerate Successful Execution. Follow him on Twitter @jhzenger. Jack and his wife Holly attempt to stay connected with their combined family of 10 children, 37 grandchildren, and 12 greatgrandchildren. Whew! JELENA ZIKIC is an associate professor at York Univer-

sity. In her research and practice, she explores a combination of career and life transitions of diverse populations. She is a mother of two boys who speak four languages, and as an avid traveler she promotes exposing your children to the wonders of travel as soon as they are born!

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INDEX A-BCDs (Avoid Blame, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling), 59–60 accountability, 47, 58 adaptability, 130, 151–152 alliances, 55–56 Americans with Disabilities Act (ADA), 82. See also mental health issues assumptions avoiding, 57–58 challenging in self-talk, 132–133 clarifying, 27 in negotiating extended leave, 92 authenticity, 38, 153–154 authority boundary predators and, 12–13 setting boundaries and, 14, 20

balance ongoing pursuit of, 9 for working parents, 3–9 belaboring the point, 34–36. See also listening beliefs, challenging your, 132. See also self-talk

blame, 8, 47. See also A-BCDs avoiding, 59–60 blind spots, 105–106 bosses communicating with about mental health issues, 81 managing employees with overactive inner critics, 144–145 negotiating extended leave with, 90–93 personal crises and, 71–77 relationship management with during extended leaves, 94 renegotiating boundaries with, 5–6 saying “no” to, 16–18 boundaries agreement on, 13 challenges to, 15 negotiating extended leave and, 92 personal crises and, 76 predators of, 11–20 renegotiating, 3–9 resetting after emergencies, 19–20 setting, 11–20 sharing confidences and, 42 Boyes, Alice, 129–138

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Index

career coaching with your kids, 119–125 with your spouse, 114–115 career phases, discussing with your kids, 121–122 career triangle, 123 Carmichael, Sarah Green, 139–145 change, adapting to, 151–152 children boundary negotiation with, 7–9 as boundary predators, 12 career conversations with, 119–125 mental health issues in, 85–86 modeling compassionate self-talk to, 137–138 negotiating with, 101–109 personal crises and, 74–75 presenting ideas to, 107– 109 choice, embedding, 107. See also negotiations Citrin, James M., 119–125 Claman, Priscilla, 11–20 Coleman, John, 113, 114–115, 116–117 colleagues as boundary predators, 12–20 negotiating extended leave with, 90–91 personal crises and, 71–77

168

relationship management with during extended leaves, 93–94 renegotiating boundaries with, 5–6 saying “no” to, 16–18 communication skills, personal/professional intersection of, 151–154, xiv–xv communication styles, listening and, 29–36 compassion, 77 in self-talk, 129–138 competitiveness, listening and, 24, 114 confidence conveying by listening, 24 your inner critic and, 145 confidences, being worthy of, 37–42. See also listening confidentiality, honoring, 42 contempt, 59–60. See also A-BCDs continuous improvement, 153–154 contradicting others, 49–50. See also difficult conversations conversations difficult. See difficult conversations parents need to have, 3–9 for renegotiating boundaries, 4–9 with yourself, 5

Index

credentials, boundary setting and, 14 crises. See emergencies critical thinking, 142–143. See also self-talk criticism, 140–141. See also self-talk

Davey, Liane, 48–49 decompressing, 116–117. See also stress defensiveness, 59–60. See also A-BCDs difficult conversations A-BCDs for, 59 about personal crises, 71–77 avoiding assumptions in, 57–58 changing the tenor of, 50–52 convincing vs. learning in, 56–57 getting back on track, 53–61 helping your partner cope with work stress, 111–117 making sure you’re heard in, 45–52 negotiating with your kids, 101–109 opposition vs. partnership in, 55–56 problem solving and, 60–61 when to skip, 63–68, 106

disagreements, saying “and” vs. “but” and, 49. See also difficult conversations distractions, listening and, 26 Dowling, Daisy, xiii–xvii

emergencies mental health, 79–86 personal crises, 71–77 resetting boundaries after, 19–20 emotions being supportive and, 38–42 compassionate self-talk and, 131 difficult conversations and, 66, 67 fear, 140 “listening” for, 26–27 modeling compassionate self-talk and, 137–138 negotiating with your kids and, 103 not apologizing for, 48 questions to find the source of, 32–33 self-talk and, 140 venting, 31–34 end-of-work habits, 117. See also stress engagement, 38, 114 Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC), 82, 83

169

Index

excuses, avoiding, 18. See also boundaries expectations, clarifying, 75–77, 131 extended leaves, 87–98

fairness, 108. See also negotiations family leave, 87–98 feedback good listening and, 24–25 for kids’ career choices, 121 from our children, 154 self-preservation and, 60–61 feedforward, 60–61 Folkman, Joseph, 21–27 friendships, 116. See also stress frustration, finding the source of, 32. See also listening

Gallo, Amy, 45–52 goals communicating to employers and colleagues, 5–6 for extended leave, 89–90 identifying your, 5 in negotiating with your kids, 104–105 Goldsmith, Marshall, 60–61 Gottman, John, 59 Goulston, Mark, 29–36 Grenny, Joseph, 3–9

170

“H.A.L.T.” checks, 66, 67 health care rights, 82. See also mental health issues hobbies, 116. See also stress hypotheticals, 49–50. See also difficult conversations

“I” language, 46. See also difficult conversations interruptions, 113. See also listening

Kern, Mary C., 101–109 kindness, in self-talk, 131. See also self-talk Knight, Rebecca, 111–117 Kurtzberg, Terri R., 101–109

leave. See time off listening asking questions and, 23 communication style differences and, 29–36 to confidences, 37–42 giving feedback and, 24–25 levels of, 25–27 misconceptions about, 22 to overexplanation/ belaboring the point, 34–36 qualities of good, 21–27 remembering details and, 40

Index

repeating words back to the speaker and, 34, 35–36 to venting or screaming, 31–34 to your partner, 113

management skills and parenting, 149–154 mantras, mental health and, 84. See also self-talk Maxfield, Brittney, 3–9 mental health issues, 79–86 of family members, 85–86 managing your return from, 82–85 preparing for leave due to, 80–82 prevalence of, 80 warning signs of, 85 modeling self-talk, 137–138 taking responsibility, 58 vulnerability, 40 Mohr, Tara, 139–145

National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI), 86 Nawaz, Sabina, 71–77 negotiations. See also difficult conversations of boundaries, 3–9 for extended leave, 91–93 with your kids, 101–109

networking, 124–125 nonverbal communication in difficult conversations, 50 emotional well-being and, 40–41 “listening” for, 26

opinions, expressing contrary, 49. See also difficult conversations overexplanations, 34–36. See also listening

parenting, management skills and, 149–154 partners. See spouses/partners personal crises, 71–77 asking for extended leave for, 87–98 personal/professional intersections, xiv–xv renegotiating boundaries and, 3–9 synergy from, 149–154 perspectives, 51–52 openness to others’, 58 owning your own, 46–47 Petriglieri, Jennifer, 112–113, 114, 115, 116 positive spillovers, 151–154 positive thinking, 136. See also self-talk

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Index

power boundary predators and, 12–13 struggles over, 51–52 praise, 140–141. See also selftalk precedents, for extended leaves, 90. See also time off preferences in a crisis, clarifying your, 75–77. See also emergencies priorities. See also goals communicating to children, 8–9 communicating to employers and colleagues, 5–6 setting your, 5 privacy, respecting, 42 mental health issues and, 86 personal crises and, 74–75 problem solving getting input for, 60–61 negotiating extended leave and, 91–92 purpose, in difficult conversations, 55–57

questions about mental health, 83 about others’ well-being, 38–42 before committing to projects, 15–16

172

to determine when to skip difficult conversations, 65–66 listening and asking, 23, 27 in negotiating with your kids, 105–106 to understand others’ perspective, 58 when someone vents or screams, 32–33

realistic thinking, 142–143. See also self-talk reflection, 115, 153–154 reframing from convincing to learning, 56–57 in self-talk, 132–133 when someone vents or screams, 31, 34 relationships, 124–125, 152– 153 repetition listening and, 34, 35–36 negotiating with your kids and, 103 respect listening and, 36 for the psychological need for safety, 152–153 Ricci, Barbara, 79–86 Riegel, Deborah Grayson, 37–42, 63–68 Riegel, Sophie, 38 Rousseau, Denise M., 87–98

Index

routines, 84–85 dealing with work stress and, 116–117

safe environments for confidences, 38, 41–42 home as, 116–117 listening and, 26 respecting the need for, 152–153 saying “no,” 16–18. See also boundaries scope creep, 15. See also boundaries self-doubt, 139–145. See also self-talk self-esteem, 24, 36, 64 self-knowledge, 121–122 self-preservation, 60–61 self-sabotage, patterns of, 133–134 self-talk compassionate, 129–138 making peace with your inner critic and, 139–145 misconceptions about, 135–136 modeling, 137–138 planning ahead for, 134–135 silence, 108–109. See also negotiations soothing talk, 134. See also self-talk spouses/partners boundary negotiation with, 7

helping them cope with stress, 111–117 mental health issues in, 85–86 stonewalling, 59–60. See also A-BCDs stress, 64 helping your partner cope with, 111–117 sporadic vs. chronic, 115 support helping your partner and, 114 listening and, 24

technology habits, 116–117 therapy, 76, 116 time off asking for extended, 87–98 for emergencies, 95–96 keeping records on, 93 managing the return after, 82–85 for mental health reasons, 79–86 negotiating, 91–93 for personal crises, 71–77 preparing for, 89–91 preparing for reentry after, 94 responding to refusal of requests for, 96–97 taking, 93–94 trade-offs, career choice and, 122–123

173

Index

transparency about boundaries, 13 about mental health issues, 82–83 boundary negotiations and, 6 in difficult conversations, 57

uncertainty, dealing with, 151–152

Valcour, Monique, 53–61 venting, 31–34. See also listening vulnerability, modeling, 40

174

win-win solutions, 92, 104 women, boundary negotiations and, 9 work-life balance, 150 boundary predators and, 11–20 helping your partner cope with work stress and, 111–117 renegotiating boundaries and, 3–9

Zenger, Jack, 21–27 Zikic, Jelena, 149–154