Blowing My Cover: My Life as a CIA Spy [paperback ed.] 0425205622, 9780425205624, 0399152393

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ELLER BBSTSB NAL NAT lG

B

JLnm

MYUfEASA "Likable, readable,

and funny.

(and former romantic)

who

.

.She's a

takes the

former spy

romance out

of spying and brings some much-needed intelligence to the Central Intelligence Agency."

—r-Pj^

O'Roi

"Fascinating."

— USA

Today

LINDSAY

MORA

Digitized by the Internet Archive in

2012

http://archive.org/details/blowingmycoverOOIind

"Conservatives worry about government bureaucracy. Liberals

worry about government spy agencies. But the red tape and the black ops got together and had a bastard child, the CIA. Lindsay Moran's

book

worry everyone

and funny way.

able, readable,

than Top

will

Secret,

it's

.

.

.

—but

in the

Blowing My Cover

true."

P. J.

all

read of the

follies

Moran and cars,

her fellow

but myths,

CIA

for,

finale,

where Moran herself acts

most American of ways: with

fight for

one

recruits explode

unlike James Bond,

the spies here are by turns weepy, cool, klutzy,

miss the

War a Chance

to the follies of real-life

American espionage. As they shadow, buck, and

not only bombs and

better

of war. Now, thanks to the sharp

and fun Blowing My Cover, we're privy

another, Lindsay

is

lik-

O'Rourke, author of

Peace Kills and Give

"We've

most

and noble. Don't

she writes) in that

(as

fierce, inspiring

—David

independence."

Schickler, author of

Sweet and Vicious and Kissing in Manhattan

"In this fascinating book, Lindsay fer a rare first-person

clandestine officer.

Moran drops her cloak to

account of the

From her

life

of a

street-level

secret training at

of-

CIA

'The Farm' to

undercover assignments overseas, she uses a great amount of wit, candor,

CIA spy

is

and keen

far

insight to

show

that the

'real' life

of a

from that portrayed by Hollywood."

—James Bamford,

bestselling author of

Body ofSecrets, The Puzzle

and

A

Palace,

Pretext for War: 9/11, Iraq,

and the Abuse ofAmericas

Intelligence Agencies

Blowing My Cover MY LIFE AS

A

CIA SPY

Lindsay Mo ran

i: ERKLEY BOOKS New

York

THE BERKLEY PUBLISHING GROUP Published by the Penguin Group

Penguin Group (USA) Inc. 375 Hudson Street, New York, New York 10014, USA Penguin Group (Canada), 90 Eglinton Avenue East, Suite 700, Toronto, Ontario M4P 2Y3, Canada (a division of Pearson Penguin Canada Inc.) Penguin Books Ltd., 80 Strand, London WC2R 0RL, England Penguin Group Ireland, 25 St. Stephen's Green, Dublin 2, Ireland (a division of Penguin Books Ltd.) Penguin Group (Australia), 250 Camberwell Road, Camberwell, Victoria 3124, Australia (a division of Pearson Australia Group Pty. Ltd.) Penguin Books India Pvt. Ltd., 1 1 Community Centre, Panchsheel Park, New Delhi 1 10 017, India Penguin Group (NZ), Cnr. Airborne and Rosedale Roads, Albany, Auckland 1310 New Zealand

—

New Zealand

Pearson

(a division of

Penguin Books (South Africa)

Ltd.)

24 Sturdee Avenue, Rosebank, Johannesburg 2196,

(Pty.) Ltd.,

South Africa

Penguin Books

Ltd., Registered Offices:

80 Strand, London

The

material in this

CIA

authentication of information nor implies

Some names

WC2R 0RL, England

book has been reviewed and approved by

the

CIA endorsement

CIA. That review neither constitutes

of the author's views.

of individuals have been changed by the author.

© 2005 by Lindsay Moran Kegley © 2004 Raquel Jaramillo Author photo © James Kegley

Copyright

Cover design

Book design by Amanda Dewey All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced,

scanned, or distributed in any printed or electronic form without

permission. Please do not participate in or encourage piracy of copyrighted materials in violation of the author's rights. Purchase only authorized editions.

BERKLEY is a registered trademark of Penguin Group (USA) The "B" design

is

a trademark belonging to Penguin Group

Inc.

(USA)

Inc.

PRINTING HISTORY G.

P.

Putnam's Sons hardcover edition

Berkley trade paperback edition

/

/

January 2005

November 2005

Berkley trade paperback ISBN: 0-425-20562-2

The Library of Congress has catalogued

the G.

P.

Putnam's Sons hardcover edition as follows:

Moran, Lindsay.

Blowing

my

cover:

my life as a C.I. A.

spy

/

ISBN 0-399-15239-3 1

Lindsay Moran.

cm.

p.

Moran, Lindsay.

.

2. Intelligence

agents

—United

United States. Central Intelligence Agency.

3.

UB271.U52M67

2005

327.1273'0092—dc22 [B]

Printed in the United States of America

10

9

8

7

6

I.

States

Title.

2004054461

—Biography.

For

all the

men and women of the CIA, who

to strive for excellence

and to

continue

serve our country,

despite the obstacles placed in their

way

ONE

/ am in a medical laboratory at the Central Intelligence Agency, waiting

to

everything

pee in a cup. The is

—

white

me

chills

to the bone.

ated by the prospect of a drug

enough that I'm willing I've just finished

my

right

test,

submit test in

hand every time I hear a

unlike a dog whistle. over the next few days

ing exams provide

of the pioneer test,

to

another

One among is

of the atmosphere here

sterility

to

I am

slightly

but I want

this

humili-

job badly

it.

a soundproofchamber, raising shrill high-pitched sound,

the

many

things

not

I must prove

that I am not deaf The sight

and hear-

—perhaps,

me a surging sense ofpride

astronauts,

—

like

one

I possess "The Right Stuff." The drug

on the other hand, just makes

me feel like a

"Why would you want to work for an

derelict.

organization that doesn't

LINDSAY MORAN trust you from the get-go?"

my

week ofscreening required in

"Drug

tests

"Yeah, but

my quest to

the

be hired by the CIA.

normalfor any number ofjobs, " I pointed out.

are

a

had asked me about

boyfriend

lie-detector test

is

not, "

he

said, referring to the

polygraph, which willfollow in the coming days.

"Be sure to provide enough urine

A

Nurse Ratchet look-alike with

me a plastic

to

reach the designated spot.

eyes the color

of a

"

corpse hands

cup whose side has been marked halfway up with a

thick black slash.

I take the tiny glass.

and head into

the cup

chamber as I wonder if the mirror

Ifnot, where

cup in hand,

is

made of two-way

the hidden camera? I sit on the

and think about how I got here

rive years

my college

is

My eyes dart about

the restroom.

earlier, I'd

graduation.

I

given the

sanctimonious talk by saying,

plastic

commencement speech

had concluded

will influence a particular

toilet,

in the first place.

"It is

my

my

—

hope

at

in retrospect

that each of us

community, and that we

will

do so

not by shouldering the expectations of others but by remaining faithful, foremost, to ourselves."

The day

after

I

made

this speech,

I

sent

my

resume to the

Central Intelligence Agency. At the age of twenty-one, this

was

my personal

act

of faithfulness.

My father, who worked for the Defense Department his entire life,

was certain the CIA would never take me. "You're not

their type,"

he

president of the

said.

"They look

for people

Young Republicans Club."

who've been the

LOWING MY COVER

Maybe my fathers doubt in the first place.

from

my

which

wanted

to be a spy

When

I

felt as if I'd

my

again, starred Harriet the

my room

friend,

who

in secret code, using a flashlight,

lived

two doors down.

I

through drawers or ferreting around the

mas presents, which I would open ably rewrap. to

I

as

used the opportunity to monitor the move-

ments of our next-door neighbors, the McCormicks.

communicated

spent

favorite books,

been naughty and was sent to

I'd

punishment,

and

in training. In childhood,

life

would read over and over

I

me to approach the CIA

was intent on proving him wrong. Aside

that, I'd always

entire

Spy.

I

impelled

also

seemed

I

routinely

my

with

was expert

best

at rifling

attic to find the Christ-

in advance

and then undetect-

to have no problem lying, especially

my parents. Once, when

who had

my father confronted my brother and me about

say, I

know

"Me?!" tion.

room

defiled the living

would

neither one of us

I

it

fess

wailed, injured

by and indignant over

And

then, with

I

couldn't really argue.

ways had been. During

I

my

graffiti

somewhat more

of all, your brother would not

his accusa-

me?!"

of all, your brother would not

father said.

and

was you."

"How do you know it was

"First

walls with green crayon,

up, he finally said, "Okay, Lind-

my

the walls,"

gravity:

"Second

lie."

was naturally subversive, and teenage years,

my albeit

mild

al-

acts

of sedition included skipping school, forging excuse notes, sneaking out of the house, and raiding inet.

Throughout

my

liberal arts

my

father's liquor cab-

education

—when

I

at least

LINDSAY MORAN excelled academically

and everybody was

should be a writer, or a lawyer, or go into thought,

What I really want to

My fascination with all I

Bond

ater in Boston.

CIA

agent was

be good

I'd

Also,

I

at

all

.

.

politics

—

always

I

CIA memoirs, and delighted enough

in the

cheap movie the-

to think that the

Hollywood glamour, but

I

life

of a

was pretty sure

it.

harbored what

now

I

realize

was a delusion: that

pionage was something of a family legacy, and therefore destiny.

I

a spy

is

triple feature at the

wasn't naive

I

.

that

things espionage was consummate.

devoured spy novels and

occasional James

be

me

telling

While Dad always had maintained

that he

es-

my

worked

at

"the lab," his inability to talk about top secret projects, coupled

with his frequent

me

travel

and

late-night

convinced that he must be a

comings and goings, had I

used to go on business

with him and keep an eye out for possible

trips

Or I would pack my own way

spy.

so that

Even

after

I

I

could detect

realized

surveillants.

luggage in a particular, persnickety if

Dad was

someone had tampered with unlikely a covert operative

that he probably was the naval architect he claimed to

remained equally suspicious about

Boompah had

Army

engineer.

lived

It

all

his dad,

it.

—and be—

my grandfather.

over the world, supposedly as a U.S.

seemed coincidental,

to say the least, that

during each of his overseas postings, an unexpected coup toppled the government of the country where he was stationed.

Boompah

died before

part of me suspected get inside the

I

I

got a chance to question him, but a

would

CIA. In doing

and-dagger birthright.

find out the truth if only so,

I

also

would

fulfill

I

could

my cloak-

BLOWING MY COVER

my father wrong early on. Within one month of sending off my resume, I was invited, by way of a succinct letI

ter,

proved

to an informational

And train

end of a long, hot summer,

my postcollege home of Boston, joining a group

of

in a

sentatives

banquet room

who

one

I

young men and

slightly anxious-looking

Holiday Inn. The

at a

greeted us were

CIA

repre-

somewhat disappointing:

dowdy, middle-aged woman with thick shoes,

Washington, D.C.

by

about twenty other

women

in

traveled

so, at the tail

from

CIA meeting

glasses

a

and orthopedic

and a paunchy, balding guy who had the aura of somecompleting a messy divorce.

just

They explained

to us that the

CIA had

four primary

nents. In addition to Directorates for Science

compo-

and Technology

(DS&T) and Administration (DA), there were two others that the CIA particularly hoped would interest us: the Directorate of Intelligence (DI), composed of overt" information analysts,"

and the Directorate of Operations (DO). This guy

said,

last,

was "where the raz/work of the Agency

the bald

gets done."

DO, there are two main positions, he explained officers, who take raw intelligence and prepare it for

Within the reports

the

DI

analysts (primarily

formation

is

the intelligence in the tual spies,"

he

first

place.

in

in-

gather

case officers are the ac-

my mind when

was going to work

a case officer.

"The

who

said.

There was no doubt that day: If I

by making sure the source of the

obscured), and case officers, the ones

The DI seemed

and the reports

officers

Like everyone

for the like a

sounded

else at the

left

I

CIA,

I

the meeting

was going

to be

confederacy of dweebs,

like glorified secretaries.

meeting,

I

left

Washington with an

LINDSAY MORAN application in tive

a fifteen-page

than the Harvard application

before.

pulled it.

—

hand

found a

I

seat

document far more exhausI

had

by myself on the

my knees up to my chin,

filled

train

back to Boston,

and began thumbing through

In addition to essay questions and biographic queries about

everyone in

had

lived,

my

and

me

asked

the places

I

give a personal reference for each location.

I

family,

it

thought about the room

house the summer

after

I'd

to

list

It

also asked

all

rented in a Boston University frat

freshman

and shuddered

year,

what anyone would say about me from those

decided

I

about criminal activity and drug

would be honest about the

My father's words rang in my ears:

to think

days.

polygraph exam would be administered before I

out four years

I

knew

a

use.

I

was

hired, so

fact that I'd

used drugs.

smoked

pot. They'll

"You've

never hire you."

Dad might mined

to prove

my

turned to friends,

me

point pen,

I

my

What

him wrong. As soon

as

I

I

was no

arrived

apartment, shared with two

and hunkered down

created for

of

have had a valid point, but

in the makeshift

bedroom we'd

out of curtains and screens. Using a black

began to

fill

you up

ball-

out the application. Eventually,

one

you okay?

to in there?"

cept immediate family I

I re-

other postcollege

Recalling the bald guy's instructions not to

CIA,

home,

flatmates called through the curtain, "Are are

less deter-

members

that

I

tell

anyone ex-

was applying to the

stashed the stack of papers under a pillow. "I'm fine!"

called back,

sounding

—

I

am

—

sure

cramps. I'm just lying in bed."

slightly panicked. "I

I

have

LOWING MY COVER About two hours

my desk drawer, That

night,

I

later, I

put the completed application in

intending to send

had a dream

in

it

in the next day.

which

for a picnic in a grassy park, a place

my family was reunited

where

Mom and Dad had

taken us as children to hear Peter, Paul and

my dream, my deceased

Mary

perform. In

grandparents were there, sitting on a

my mother

patchwork blanket spread out over the lawn. Even

and

father,

who

in reality

Mom

laughing together as

and potato

some I

we used

in the

My older

to wear.

recognize, but

girl I didn't

were

for years,

assembled plates of fried chicken

Everybody was got up

salad.

hippie clothing

had been divorced

who

kind of loose,

brother was with

appeared to be his wife.

approached the group and went to give

my

grandmother a

hug. She didn't acknowledge me, but rather turned away and sat stonily facing the

"Tell

Memo

"Who "It's

are you?"

me!"

I

opposite direction.

me,"

it's

he

I

said to

my father.

said.

cried. "Lindsay!"

My mother laughed. "Lindsay?! We haven't seen her in years." "You must have the wrong family." Boompah

lit

his pipe,

then dismissively tossed the match over his shoulder.

When I woke,

the dream,

ply to the CIA, freaked as a sign that

I

I

me out.

was on a course

family was right;

now.

on the cusp of my decision

maybe

was too young

embark on any

to

career at

sent that application.

the

I

I

would

CIA

later regret.

Perhaps

it

my

wasn't for me, at least not

embark on such all,

to ap-

couldn't help but interpret

—

a serious career

for that matter.

And

so

I

to

never

LINDSAY MORAN Instead,

and worked plete

moved

I

Guide

to California, waitressed in a coffee bar,

to Cocktails." Later,

New York. When New York overseas

—

man who was writing a "Com-

an assistant to a

as

I

went

to graduate school in

had exhausted me,

I

took a job

teaching English to exceptionally bright young stu-

dents in Bulgaria, an unlikely and at that time dismal locale,

but a country

I

would come

entrench themselves in

my

came back

and

to the States

to love

and whose people would

heart. After a year in Bulgaria,

—

—back

eventually

to the

I

CIA.

Why? The Agency was I

was working

as a

like

an itch that

I

had

writing teacher at a

community

San Francisco when that itch resurfaced.

and loved

it. I

missed Bulgaria

turn, the idea of the living abroad?

I

to scratch. In 1997,

I

had

college in

lived overseas

Thinking of ways to

terribly.

re-

CIA resurfaced. Why not spend my future excitedly. Why not make a career out of

thought

learning foreign languages, experiencing exotic cultures, having

adventures in far-offlands?

Now

I

was

older;

The CIA duty.

The

U.S.

Navy

but

I

also

now

seemed

fact that

knew

inspired I

Why not go

I felt

to

me

a

bored.

it this

time?

way

to

fulfill

a sense of civic

my brother was serving our country in the me and provoked my own patriotic urges,

wasn't military material. Teaching

of inarguably noble intent that feelings

through with

ready.

of civic obligation

The CIA began

to

serve both the needs of

a profession

hoped would assuage

my

me

and

ultimately

seem

my

About the same time

—

I'd

—

like the

left

restless

answer to me: a way to

country and those of myself.

that

I

sent in an application to be a

Fulbright Scholar back in Bulgaria, a decent

if

not surefire

BLOWING MY COVER backup plan, six years

my resume to the CIA.

again sent

I

and whether

wondered

I

would

it

give

if

me

the

was twenty-

when

I'd originally ex-

CIA had

a record of me,

old now, five years older than

pressed interest.

I

a second chance.

Again, the Agency responded quickly. Within a month, they had sent sent in.

me

another application, which

A few weeks later,

ducing himself or saying

someone

whom

He

instructed

ception desk and to take the

219 and knock

twice.

one of the few people

stairs,

later, I

Room

apprehensive that

I

219.

I

me

Holiday Inn Fisherinquiries at the re-

if

Room

the caller might be

was applying

to the

CIA,

playing a prank.

presented myself at the rather shabby-

looking Holiday Inn, taking the the door of

out and

"not the elevator," to

wondered

who knew

my brother or my boyfriend, But a few days

at the

me to make no

briefly

I

filled

without intro-

he represented, informed

of an interview the following week man's Wharf.

I

called and,

would

stairs

felt silly

I

startle

and knocking twice on

and was more than

a

little

whatever tourists actually were

punch

staying in the room, the predictable

line

of

this elab-

orate hoax.

But a

man

answered the door and,

after darting his

head

down the hallway, quickly ushered me Room 219. This man, who introduced himself as "Dave,"

out and looking up and into

seemed more auspicious than the previous CIA least

he was young and

fit.

As Dave walked

the small table by the closed blinds, limp.

ing

I

I

some kind of supersleuth

across the

room

to

noticed he had a slight

was pretty sure that he had been shot

who would end up

recruiters; at

in the leg,

derring-do. Years

being one of my instructors

later,

perform-

Dave

—confessed

to

LINDSAYMORAN

10

me

had sustained the injury

that he

some guys from

game

in a Softball

against

the FBI.

As we began our conversation, Dave turned on the vision

—"sound

masking," he explained

The

Teletubbies.

singing, dancing,

He

citing.

was a case

said that he

had

mention

distracting.

I

Dave spoke.

strained to focus as

Dave

an episode of

to

and hugging multicolored

creatures were incongruous, not to

the places he

—

tele-

served,

all

officer

and described some of

of which sounded exotic and ex-

spoke several languages, had lived

all

over the

world, and seemed slightly annoyed at spending a year Stateside,

conducting interviews for new

went

the interview

Still,

he thought

I

basis

end of it Dave officer.

At

his

the meeting giddy with excitement, even though

my

my joining

the

My

owing

father to

my

all

dead

set against

remained convinced liberal, lawless

of his military experience,

ways.

felt this

would never be

I

My

brother,

would be hard on any woman and would

curtail

my

free spirit.

especially

My mother was just plain worried:

She

go to some godforsaken place and immediately get

I'd

myself killed.

"What

on the

male-dominated pro-

fession

was sure

said

probably would be called to Washington

I

family and boyfriend were

hired,

at the

worth of screening and further interviews.

for a week's

Agency.

and

was a strong candidate to be a case

recommendation,

I left

well,

recruits.

if

My boyfriend merely thought

you ever want

to quit?"

he

I

said.

was insane. "Will they,

like,

terminate you?"

Looking back, lose

—

me

I

think they were

if not literally,

then

all

a

figuratively.

little bit

Or

afraid they'd

at least

they would

BLOWINGMYCOVER lose the person that stories

—even

was then: open and

friendly, always telling

those stories were often a bit exaggerated

if

and ever ready

I

11

to share a laugh.

"What's the point of having adventures," "if you can't ever tell

anyone about

My mother concurred.

my boyfriend asked,

it?"

"My friend Rhoda's next-door neigh-

bor works for the CIA," she

"Rhoda

said.

most

said he's the

boring guy she ever met."

hope you're prepared

"I

warned

me

smoking

ominously, as

to give if I

up marijuana,"

seldom made

it

my

father

a day without

a bowl.

My brother sent me an article about a group of female employees

who had

where in

you

their careers,"

sure this

"I haven't

cerns.

on

sued the CIA. "None of them could get any-

is

he cautioned

later

on the phone. "Are

what you want?"

even been hired yet,"

"Anyway,

I

probably won't make

this retort for lack

part of me thought this inexplicable

countered their valid con-

I

I

it

through."

I fell

back

of any other adequate response. But a

would make

confidence

it

—buoyed by

through, and

—when

invited,

I

readily traveled

back to Washington, D.C., for the week's worth of screening.

The CIA put me up

at the

received a letter warning

Hilton in McLean, Virginia.

me

that

I

one the nature of my business and that ing X, not far from

The drug tial

first

test. I

had

at eight

I

should report to Build-

on Monday morning.

order of business was a complete physical and the

had smoked pot once between the time of my

— —and

application

in college"

my hotel,

I

was not to share with any-

in

which

I'd

the current

ini-

reported drug use as "a few times test.

LINDSAYMORAN

12

Seated in a barren conference room, eight other candidates

and

I

were handed

going our drug

any "criminal

of paper and told

slips

that, before

under-

and the polygraph, we should write down

test

of drug use" that we had

activity or incidences

not previously reported.

I

was the only person sheepishly

to

pick up a pen. After the physical exam,

One

tests.

we took

a series of multiple-choice

like "I

two

particularly asinine test contained in excess of

thousand questions. There were bizarre

would

true/false statements

rather be a florist than a firefighter,"

and confus-

ingly worded ones such as "I rarely like to torture small animals." Still,

when

I

thought

I

I

was doing okay

met with one of the Agency

day

until the following psychiatrists.

A shriveled

old man, the psychiatrist wore a white lab coat and 1950s-style

on

spectacles perched

pearance,

it

was the OSS, and that

erected around

but

was

I

him and

also

that

I

was

all

Then he turned

building had been

his sterile little desk.

I

was eager to

telling

the candidates

aptitude exams.

Agency

I

got a bad

feel-

please, or at least to prove to

sane as they come.

as

The doctor began by

among

this

for the

his ap-

aware that he must be some kind of ancient

gatekeeper of sorts.

him

hawkish nose. Judging by

was pretty sure the guy had worked

I

back when

ing,

his

I

felt

me

that

I

had scored the highest

on the verbal and the mathematical

myself beaming with hope and pride.

to the "psychiatric" portion

"There were some disturbing

results

of my evaluation.

on your psychological

exam," he started out. I

was taken aback.

ing every

test.

A classic

overachiever,

I

was used to

ac-

LOWINGMYCOVER "Some very

He

disturbing results."

13

clicked his tongue dis-

approvingly.

My heart sank.

Clearly,

I

was out of the running.

"For instance," he went on, "you designated false in sponse to the statement I have never wished that I were a

re-

mem-

"

ber of the opposite

sex.

"Well, sometimes, occasionally, nice,

I

The

mean, you know, old

"TV like

man

much

failing to elicit so

something in

me

impassively.

woman's

sixty cents!"

stare at

to earn a dollar to a

as a smile.

The

old

man

I

jotted

joked,

down

my file.

"Another statement which you indicated "I

would be

it

be a boy."

easier to

continued to

have thought

I

he

as false"

said.

have never engaged in unusual sexual practices. I

could

feel

my face reddening.

"Well,

pends on what you consider unusual" "I

would be curious

be unusual," the old this

statement as

to

man

I

I

...

guess that de-

I

stammered.

know what you were

considering to

leaned forward, "when you

marked

false."

"Well, perhaps

I

for letting the old

am wrong," I was man get the better

already angry at myself

of me. "But

the question referred to anything other than,

say,

I

assumed

missionary-

position sex."

This was followed by an agonizing eyes bore into "I

mean,

me

if other

positions and,

are considered unusual, then

I

But

I

gaged in unusual

"What

sort

silence.

The

old man's

even more intently.

sex.

.

.

.

you know, experimentation

guess

I'd

have to say

." .

.

of experimentation?" he shot out.

I've

en-

LINDSAY MORAN

14

Should about to "I

let

mean

The he said

just get

I

up and

bolt?

But

had come so

I

far; I

some second-rate shrink intimidate me.

anything, ahem, oral ... or otherwise,"

man now was

old

wasn't

my file.

scribbling furiously in

looking up.

at last,

would

"I

said.

I

"Yes,"

unusual

classify that as

.

.

.

even deviant. You clearly have some sexual deviancy, of which I

have made note in

my evaluation of you."

was stunned, and surely

I

visibly upset.

I

couldn't

tell if

he

me to be a sexual deviant, or if he was just trythrow me off. I left, shaken, and went back to my hotel.

really believed

ing to I

plopped down on the bed, called

with a

my

mother, and told her,

of embarrassed hedging, what had occurred.

lot

My

mother was outraged. "That's not deviant," she hollered into the phone. "I could

him something deviant,

give

calmed down, ably a pervert

you want she

to

hung up

Oddly,

I

for chrissake!"

my mother and I who was just

work

Once we both had

agreed that the guy was prob-

getting his rocks

for these people?"

my

off.

"Are you sure

mother

said before

the phone.

was surer than

ever;

now I had

not only

my father

to disprove but also that dirty old psychiatrist. Furious but

the

more determined,

I

decided that

I

would not

graphs— by whom was be me making any kind of day—

way

the poly-

interrogated the following and

to

I

coerce

final

let

all

into

confessions, the

the shrink had.

Early the next morning,

I

showered, dressed, and headed

out for another generic redbrick building in Northern Virginia,

where the polygraph would be administered.

One

thing

I

would come

to realize for the

first

time that

BLOWINGMYCOVER morning, and on several occasions prospect of taking a lie-detector stipation.

test

and forth from the waiting room

the waiting

those of us

in the

called us in

at

my already queasy system.

by our

first

end of

names. By now,

running had formed a loose camaraderie,

notwithstanding the fact that

winked

The

my poly running back

the examiners opened a door at the far

room and

still

career:

a surefire cure for con-

to the restroom, nervous en-

ergy acting as a virulent laxative on

One by one,

my

later in is

spent the half hour prior to

I

15

we were

all

competitors.

We

one another and mouthed the words "good luck."

was heartened not to be chosen by one polygrapher around

could make

my

age

—

I

startlingly

I

handsome

wasn't wholly convinced

I

through the next few hours without crapping

it

my pants.

My polygrapher turned out to be a sturdy, attractive African American later, I

woman who

would

introduced herself

everyone with

realize that

as "Kathy."

whom we

Much

came

into

contact used a fake name.

Like the other polygraphers, Kathy seemed incapable of

managing so much

as a smile. Wordlessly,

windowless room and seated in front of a desk.

me

she led

in a BarcaLounger, stationed

Behind the desk was a swivel

computer whose screen

I

my

and

that

when I was

She handed I

and

a

test

would mea-

physiological reactions to each question she asked,

screen as well as

graph,

chair,

couldn't see.

Kathy matter-of-factly explained that the sure

me to a small

on

me

lying,

it

would show up on her computer

a printout. a waiver stating that

revealed having

committed any

if,

during

my

poly-

serious crimes (such

LINDSAYMORAN

16

as

CIA was

murder, rape, or any federal offenses), the

by law

to turn that information over to the

required

Department of

my short-lived career as a petty shoplifter at the age of seven would not land me in a

Justice or the FBI.

was pretty sure that

I

federal penitentiary, so

At dinner the night

I

signed.

one of the other candidates had

before,

regaled us with polygraph lore: a story about a

shockingly

secting her body,

mason

corpse in

parison.

By

and

chest

and then storing

parts of her

I

waist, a blood-pressure

was curious, and even a

property? I

Had

Did

I

I

working

the instances

Had

series

gauge around

com-

Was

I'd

I

ever willfully

intend to answer

I

my

was

my

arm, and

less

nervous

excited.

little

of what

unchallenging questions:

organization?

Was

in

the time Kathy had strapped coils around

Kathy ran through a cally

dismembered

committed would pale

I'd

nodes around two fingers on each hand, than

with

jars in his cellar.

whatever offenses

Surely,

man who,

probing, had admitted to killing his wife, dis-

little

considered physiologi-

I

a

I

member of any terrorist

damaged any government

all

the questions truthfully?

for a foreign intelligence service?

already reported, had

committed any crimes? Was

I

I

used any

Other than

illegal

drugs?

keeping from the

CIA

any relationships with foreign nationals?

The

last

question bothered me, mostly because of the Bul-

garian rock climbers. list

I

already

had provided the CIA a complete

of my foreign friends, most of whom

up mountaineering while

I'd

made when I took

living in their country. I'd felt awful

providing their names in the

first

place

and wondered how

BLOWING MY COVER knowing I had reported them

they'd feel

17

to the

CIA.

It

was one

thing to subject myself to the U.S. government's scrutiny;

hand over the names of others.

quite another to

I

it

was

justified

it

with the assumption that the Agency would just check them against a database of foreign spies.

among my

chance that one shouldn't

I

know about

friends

And, on the very remote was some kind of bad guy,

it?

After several rounds of the same questions, Kathy said that

we were going

to take a break. Relieved,

assumed that

I

—almost

doing okay. But then she plunked herself

—

seemed

in front of

nasty look

on her

me

I

was

angrily,

it

with a clipboard in her hand and a

face.

"You're not doing well," she said.

Once

again,

was taken aback. Ever since

I

ing an intelligence career,

my

I'd

begun pursu-

tendency to excel had faltered

increasingly.

"You're holding something back,"

should

tell

"I'm really not," "If you

were

versation,"

said.

I

said. "I

think you

"I'm telling the truth."

telling the truth,

Kathy

said.

blouse button had

At

that

even wondered

we wouldn't be having this conmoment,

noticed that Kathy's

I

come undone and her

ample bosom were showing.

averted

Kathy

me what and why."

if it

I

wondered

if

was part of the exam!

my eyes. My

unwillingness to

black brassiere and I

I

make

should

tell her. I

said nothing

and

eye contact must

have aroused Kathy's suspicions further. "You're having issues with one particular question," she said. "I

want you

to

tell

me which one

it is."

LINDSAY MORAN "I

have no idea,"

drugs.

.

.

Maybe

.

number of times "It's

I

I

I

mean,

said. "I

I

was honest about using

did underestimate' by a few occasions the

—

smoked

pot, but

not drugs!" Kathy said firmly.

"Well, then,

I

really don't

know.

I

reported

all

my

foreign

contacts." "It's

crime," Kathy said. "You're having a reaction to the

question about crime." "You've got to be kidding?!"

something

like:

The crime

question was worded

Since the age ofeighteen, have you ever commit-

ted murder, rape, or theft of items worth over

"I'm telling the truth,"

"Have you ever "I stole

hundred

I

was seven,"

steal

I

said.

"But not two

a teacher?" Kathy continued.

paper from the Xerox machine?"

"Certainly not." while,

I

worth!"

"What about when you were "Ever

U.S. dollars?

stolen anything?"

candy bars when

dollars'

200

said defiantly.

I

may

school copier,

I

was

"Once

starting to get angry.

in a

have reproduced a Far Side cartoon with the if that's

what

you're after.

the benefit of the entire faculty.

I

mean,

But

it

was usually

would put

I

it

for

on the

fridge in the teachers' lounge!"

Standing abruptly, Kathy said she was going to leave for a while to consult with her "superiors." During that time, to

ponder what other crimes

I'd

committed that

vealing and, if need be, compile a

list. I

I

I

was

was not

re-

decided Kathy must be

a complete nutter.

While she was gone, I

I

had gotten myself into

stared at the wall this mess.

What

and wondered how

if

they didn't believe

BLOWINGMYCOVER me and

me

then turned

spending the crime that

of

rest

my

over to the Feds?! life

I

thought about

behind bars for some unknown

commit. Meanwhile,

didn't

I

19

I

glanced around the

room, wondering where the hidden camera must heard that

be;

we had

of the rooms were equipped with a discreet

all

video-surveillance apparatus so that the testers could observe

your behavior while they were out of the room. I

tried to

Finally,

look cool and unaffected.

Kathy came back, her blouse rebuttoned. Not

prisingly, she

vinced that I

I

informed

"I

that her superiors were also con-

was lying about something.

was incensed.

anything

me

sur-

"I've told the truth,"

I

have

said. "I don't

else to say."

am going to

give

you one more opportunity

to get every-

thing off your chest," Kathy sat in front of me again, her legal

pad crooked

in

one arm, pen

"I'm not lying,"

I

said.

in hand.

"And

my

have nothing to get off

I

chest."

Kathy sighed. "Well, we can give you the

test

again ... or

you can come back tomorrow." I

had a

flight

back to San Francisco the following day.

ready had been sitting in the chair for over two hours. starting to feel that this

Kathy hooked

was

me up

a lost cause. "I don't care,"

to the

this

I

was sure

said.

time she asked the

"crime" one between every other query. That alone

my physiological

the charts. Finally, Kathy told

was

machine again and we ran

through the same questions, but

so nervous that

I

I al-

I

me

I

made me

reactions were off

could relax

(

Yeah, right!)

while she consulted a long scrolling printout of my

results.

LINDSAYMORAN

20

"I'll

be back," she said snappishly

When

as she again left the

Kathy returned, she looked even more

room.

serious

and

unfriendly than before.

"You passed the exam today." She began uncoiling the wires

from around

With

that,

way back Oddly, least.

To

my chest

Kathy

and

me

led

waist.

silently

"Thank you

down an

for

your time."

interminable hall-

to the waiting area. as

I left

the building,

the contrary,

I

did not

feel gratified in

the

humiliated and foolish for submit-

I felt

ting to this degrading process.

flew back to San Francisco convinced that

I

my

miserable

performance on the polygraph and psych exams would prevent

me from being hired anyway. I went back to teaching and

tried to

put thoughts of

hind me.

One day

had been awarded excitedly began

Three weeks

me

a job

—

I

my

found

aborted career in espionage be-

in

my

mailbox notification that

I

and

I

a Fulbright Scholarship to Bulgaria,

making plans later, I

to return to Eastern Europe.

received another

as a case officer

letter, this

with the CIA.

one offering

TWO

"Do you know Lindsay Moran?" The man on the front steps flashes a black leather wallet containing some sort ofofficial-looking badge. "L

am Lindsay Moran.

"Aha!" The

man

vestigator from the

"You

introduces himselfas Frank, a background in-

Department ofDefense.

mind if I ask you a few

legal pad

questions?" Frank pulb a yellow

and government-issued ballpoint pen from his tattered

briefcase.

I lead Frank into the foyer ofthe San Francisco house in which

Lve been renting a room for the summer. I

recall that

during the

past few days, Tina, one of my roommates, has noticed a strange

guy lurking about the neighborhood. Often parked in a blue van, he's

been observing our comings

Obviously, this

was Frank.

and goings from

across the street.

LINDSAY MORAN

22

The day

Tina reported to me, Frank had arrived on the

before,

and inevitably

front porch of the elderly

who wasted no time

van,

slamming

in

inebriated Mrs. O'Sullithe door on Franks face

and immediately calling the police. According to

Tina,

Frank also

unwittingly approached the halfway house for criminals located across the street, causing

half the guys

Now Frank and I sit in the living room, boxes

and beer bottles from

of questions about His

huge

college

with pizza

Frank asks me a

and drinking

situation

on the floor. I downplay the

—

slightly hedonistic

make myselfseem generally,

am pretty

sure that

if not

lot

habits.

details

debt and our relaxed—

situation enough to

standing. I

still strewn

the previous night.

my financial

eyes scan the debris

out the back.

to flee

of my living

totally,

up-

Frank has encountered more de-

generate cases than the likes of me.

In the middle of the conversation, a guy Tve never seen before emerges from the basement. precariously

I

am

around his

He is naked exceptfor a towel wrapped

waist.

not nearly as stunned as Frank. Truth be

given night, I do not Tina, a displaced

know who might

on any

be sleeping in the house.

Ohio farm girl with the most open ofhearts,

tends her goodwill to anyone

ward and weary

told,

ex-

who happens to show up. Many a way-

—a friend of a friend ofa friend—

has

traveler

found refuge at our house on Second Avenue The towel-wrapped guy

by Golden Gate Park.

thrusts out his hand, first to "

me and

then to Frank. "Hi! I'm Guy.

"Guy?" Frank writes the name on scribblings

"Perhaps

about how many

when

we're

ing up. "I could talk

done to

glasses

his

pad, just below some

of wine I consume per week.

here, Guy, "

Franks says without look-

you for a few minutes about Lindsay.

"

BLOWING MY COVER

23

"Who's Lindsay?" says Guy.

Frank

is

visibly confused; it

is left

and I have

only just met. Then I

mate and

am

applying for

"a

tell

me

to

to explain that

Guy

that I am Tinas room-

Guy

government

job. " "Frank

is

my

background investigator from the Department ofDefense, " I add casually.

This information the basement.

is

enough

to

send Guy hightailing

ment ofDefense" evoke nothing but notations for the kind

Frank seems

is

a

to

andforeboding con-

negative

to be.

I am when he finally finishes the in-

the sheafofnotes on

and confesses that

ily

back

offreewheeling rambler Guy appears

as relieved as

As he folds

terview.

it

I am sure "background investigator" and "Depart-

"this is all

me in

half he sighs heav-

new" to him. Turns out Frank

very

recently retired shoe salesman.

"This

is

the first

background investigation

almost apologetically. "I don't want

says,

I've ever done,

to,

"Frank

you know, screw the

pooch.

I

tell

Frank I understand and

my past I am As soon

as

that, truly, there is

nothing in

trying to hide.

Frank

is

out the door, I yell to

Guy

that

its safe to

come up from the basement, butjust then the doorbell rings again. Its

Frank.

"Tm

sorry to bother you, "

pavement Frank

Frank

as if in abject shame.

looks both

ways

to

says, his eyes cast

"But

there's

make sure nobody

is

toward the

one more thing.

watching from the

neighboring houses before he steps halfway through the open doorway.

"You don't do any more of this, do you?" Wide-eyed,

pursed joint.

like

It's

a

fish,

Frank mimics taking

clear he's never

smoked pot

hits off an

before.

lips

imaginary

LINDSAY MORAN

24

In fact, I have not partaken of marijuana for over a year, ever

I left for Bulgaria on the Fulbright. "No drugs for me any-

since

more, "I say to Frank. I can sense

Guy has arrivedfrom

the base-

ment and is looming behind me. "Okay, just sheet

making sure. "Frank makes another note on afresh

oflegal paper

down

and then salutes me and Guy

"Wow, that was one creepy dude, closed

and locked

get in his blue van

seems

he's

truly

to start

From

the door.

"

Guy

Fve

says as soon as

we can

the window,

and drive slowly down

the

street.

see

Frank

This time,

it

on his way.

Two weeks later, I am Coast

before he retreats

the front stairs.

truly

my way as well:

on

my new job at the

back

to the

East

CIA.

—

One year earlier, faced with the decision Fulbright or CIA I hadn't known what to do. On the one hand, I was

—

anxious to start in Bulgaria

that

once

my own I

me I

research,

scrutiny.

a final year of freedom,

called the

the other hand, a year

attractive proposition.

I

no one looking over me.

I

started with the Agency,

might be under constant fer

On

as a spy.

on scholarship seemed an

would be doing

knew

my career

The

one

Agency and asked

last

if I

all

facets

of my

life

Fulbright seemed to ofhurrah.

could put off my start date

for a year to take the Fulbright.

"We're beginning to question your commitment," the

man

Resources representative

want

to

also

come

at all."

had refused

said.

"And whether you

This was in reference to the

to start at the

CIA two weeks

after

Hu-

really

fact that

I

being hired,

BLOWING MY COVER

recruitment office had requested of me. Notwithstanding

as the

the Fulbright offer,

time and

felt

me

at the

was

I

year. It surprised

on

in the

would be tion to

middle of a teaching semester

commitment

a

to finish out the school

that an organization that relied so heavily

the absolute loyalty of

its

employees, such as the CIA,

so thoroughly z/mmpressed

by

my

sense of obliga-

my students.

The recruitment

office ultimately agreed

both to letting

me

out the school year and to taking the Fulbright, contin-

finish

gent upon

my undergoing another polygraph and background

investigation

contact the

As

25

when

CIA under any circumstances

wanted

if. I

returned from Bulgaria.

I

to relish

year of freedom, and

what

did.

I

I

I

I

was told not

while

I

to

was abroad.

presumed would be

my last my

spent the year interspersing

reading and research with trips to the Black Sea and forays into the mountains.

I

became an even more

complished, rock climber.

—

boyfriend

avid, if

a Bulgarian rock climber, of course

—whom

ported as a "close and continuing foreign contact"

showed up

(of

me

all

I

re-

when

I

just as

harrowing

as the

previous occa-

time with the examiner throwing in a math problem

curveballs!)

—on

new

my polygraph.

for

The polygraph was sion, this

not ac-

returned a year later with a

I

and

the question

me

getting

Have you

hung up

—

or so he told

ever willfully destroyed govern-

ment property or computer systems? After

I'd

explained for the umpteenth time that

why I might

idea

— —looked

"indicate deception"

polygrapher

a bony, middle-aged

over

at

me and

said, "I

on such

man

I

had no

a question, the

with a wilting comb-

want you

to think long

and

LINDSAY MORAN

26

hard, Lindsay, as this question could cover a lot of offenses

such

as

.

He

."

.

sledgehammer "Oh,

—

saying. "Yeah,

the one habit

I

had not passed and

felt

that

place.

I

I

would not be hired

I

relieved;

—

More than

at this

anything,

man

after

wanted

I

was nervous about what

me and Sasho, my

seem told

all.

to break."

me

that

I

A part of me

had jumped through so many hoops,

I

was losing sight of why

also

.

you got me: Sledgehamjust can't

After several hours of interrogation, the

was

.

to a fax machine!"

that\ " I felt like

mering fax machines

actually

.

leaned forward conspiratorially. "Taking a

to join in the

I

first

my new job would mean for

—

point serious

Bulgarian boyfriend.

found the prospect of taking the poly-

I

graph on even one more occasion unimaginable, countless times during the course of

would be required during periodic

my

let

alone the

future career that

security reinvestigations.

My emotions vacillated between profound relief and abject disappointment coils

and

as the

polygrapher began removing

He excused himself, to show me out.

straps.

a few minutes

In the polygrapher's absence,

out

my

skirt,

rose

from the

and stood by the door, purse

time he returned,

"Welcome

I

saying he

was

I

to the

all

the

would return

chair,

in

smoothed

By

in hand.

the

resolute, ready to leave.

CIA, Lindsay!" The polygrapher was grin-

ning almost maniacally. "And

I

hope

you'll forgive

me

for,

ahem, yanking your chain." "I

passed?"

"You sure did." just

making

"To

that

try to get

He

reached out to shake

up about the 'deception

me

to

my

hand.

indicated.'"

admit to something?"

"I

was

BLOWING MY COVER "Sure. I

We do

had never

it all

—and

27

the time."

to this day, have never

—heard of another

occasion on which an Agency polygrapher showed his cards in

such a way. I

and

walked away from that monolithic building both stunned gratified.

The

relief that I'd felt

—

on being turned away rapidly

way

gave

only moments before

to satisfaction, pride,

and

mounting excitement.

Polygraph out of the way,

I

was told

months

tigation.

decided to return for the

I

for

I

would have

to wait at

completion of my background reinves-

least three

summer

to

San Francisco,

primarily because of my boyfriend Sasho, the

tail

end of a

tourist visa.

who was riding out He worked odd jobs in between

climbing rocks. Sasho and

I

spent the

summer camping in Yosemite National

Park, heading back to the city

and had Once,

when Sasho

to paint a garage or clean out a gutter. as

I

was dropping off Sasho on the

he and the other day laborers, waited for work, course of my

life

I

all

stars.

was about

to take.

I

worked

way.

tremendously conflicted.

On the other hand,

be leaving behind.

were Mexican,

open sky and

I

I

of

its

On the one hand,

done and

for

I

was anx-

was troubled about what

me

foreign

my career to be on

loved rock climbing, and

Sasho. Both represented to

endless dis-

me and my

CIA?

for the

ious for the investigation to be its

whom

corner where

We had spent the previous

What would become

boyfriend once I felt

of

street

thought about what a marked turn the

three nights sleeping beneath the

play of

money

ran out of

I

I

might

also loved

a connection to the elements

LINDSAY MORAN

28

and

also a

kind of inexorable freedom, privileges

might have

to relinquish (although

I

I

had no idea

suspected to

what

my new life.

tent) in

Rather than make a choice between Sasho and the CIA,

put the dilemma out of could have I

I

ex-

my

mind, convincing myself that

my cake and eat it too.

Sasho,

I I

who knew only that

was about to take a job "with the government," had agreed to

me

join

once

I

found an apartment and had

settled in

some-

where near Washington, D.C.

When we said good-bye on the street in front of the Second Avenue house, he stood on the driver's-side

window of the rental

the next few weeks conveying

truck in which

I

would spend

my stuff across the country. My

hands were already on the steering wheel. Looking in the eye,

Sasho

"Of course than

it

The

I

said, "Are

do,"

said,

I

truth was:

gether, I'd

as

I

me

you sure you want although

me intently to

come?"

my voice was more

testy

was reassuring. I

did not know. Scared to leave Sasho alto-

convinced myself that

have a foreign boyfriend alien,

by the

curb, his face framed

no

less

drove,

I

—

living

—on

with

it

was not such a big deal to

the verge of becoming an

me while I worked

at the

illegal

CIA. But

was having a harder and harder time envisioning

how he'd fit into my new life. I was going to be a spy, for chrissake! What would Sasho think about his girlfriend working for the CIA? An even more daunting uncertainty was: What would the CIA think about Sasho? After every long day of driving,

I

would

sit

by myself in a

roadside diner, picking at another greasy burger or

old pie. Staring at the night-darkened

slice

of day-

window into my increas-

BLOWINGMYCOVER ingly anxious reflection,

I

would

relive

that

Agency-speak

—

gust morning.

drove

I

actually entered

moments from my past

my future without him.

with Sasho, and imagine scenes from

The day

29

—"EODed"

on duty

was, at nine a.m., an already sweltering

I'd

donned one of my new

my incongruously battered,

little

in

Au-

blue suits and

air-conditioning-less pickup

truck to the main headquarters of the CIA, a colossal structure that

and alarmingly well-marked by

bafflingly

is

large signs

reading "CIA." I I

did not yet have a badge to gain access to the building, so

pulled

up

to a

camera and microphone box stationed

several

meters from the main gate. "Hello,

um,

I

am here for my first day,"

I

said, feeling

some-

what moronic, into the microphone box. "Okay!" a voice boomed out Federal

"Oh ling

Highway Administration, no!"

I felt

even more

like

know

me. "You

this

—

just kidding.

that at least

an

idiot.

Drive on down."

someone here had

was given

a

Then

I

heard cack-

embossed on the

—symbolized

course of service.

seemed

to

me

I

again,

was relieved to find

a sense of humor.

for the first time,

floor

wall of gold stars, each one of

had read

the

temporary badge and told where to park. As

walked into Headquarters great seal

is

right?"

from within the box and the voice boomed out

"Sorry

I

at

a

CIA

stood upon the

and stared momentarily

which

—

I

at the

knew from books

I

who had died in the of these men and women

officer

The untimely ends

as glorious as

I

I

they were tragic.

LINDSAY MORAN

30

a surge of pride.

I felt

CIA.

No

I

had made

it; I

was actually inside the

one had stopped me.

My swelling ego was punctured when

I

saw a goofy-looking

sign featuring the cartoon character Alf holding a

balloons and exclaiming

"Welcome

to

CIA

bunch of

101!" Beneath Alf

were instructions for new employees to proceed to a room on the

floor

first

of Old Headquarters Building.

It

would take me

weeks to figure out the labyrinth of hallways connecting Old Headquarters Building and times I

I

would

would

New Headquarters Building; some-

get so turned

around

retreat into a ladies'

in the

room

basement corridors,

just to take stock

and

get

my bearings. The

first

two weeks, CIA 101 comprised a kind of general

overview, during

which we

sat in a large

room, viewed some

interesting presentations (for example, a demonstration

bomb-detecting canine

force),

and

listened to

some

by the

not-so-

interesting lectures (for example, the designations of different

security classifications if you failed to

and the implications and punishments

apply them accurately).

disturbing, presentation for

me

from the Office of Security, about plied to dating foreigners.

Two

The most

all

tales

men and one seminar with many

robotic-looking

woman peppered their about lonely CIA women who had

fallen

love.

sold out our country for

Needless to

disgrace,

say,

what

and

they'd thought

was

the careers of these

women ended

and some of them were even doing time

penitentiaries.

prey to

spies!,

the romantic overtures of duplicitous foreign men,

who had

and

the regulations that ap-

Stepford Wife-ish

woeful

relevant,

was made by representatives

in

in federal

BLOWING MY COVER Early on,

I

male and female employees.

It

was okay for the

so long as they accounted for their foreign girlfriends, to

do whatever they wanted.

"Prostitutes

ported," one of the robotrons

long

as

you

tensibly, a

don't see the

male case

whorehouse,

But

it

as

same

officer

long

was a much

as

do not have

to be re-

announced munificently,

zens," the Stepford

"as

more than once." Os-

prostitute

could routinely frequent the same

he alternated his whores.

different story for

women. "We're not go-

ing to monitor your partners so long as they're American

women

Wife addressed the

in the

citi-

room.

"But you will want to be mindful of your 'reputation' and it

1

recognized a vast double standard in the Agency's

attitude toward

men,

3

how

can impact your career."

The Agency's message was tible to flattery, deception,

clear:

Women were more suscep-

and the wiles of foreign men,

all

of

whom were shady. Women presented a greater security risk. Women were weak. The obvious sexism bothered me, and during these security briefings, my mind always turned to Sasho. I

knew Sasho was not

a spy, but

I

also

knew

he'd be consid-

Among my supervisors and peers, I rarely if ever had spoken of my Bulgarian boyfriend. My compartmentalizing my life in this way, however, strategy of ered suspect regardless.

—

would not

—

last long.

While CIA 101 was required directorates

—

tined for the

the

DO

DS&T, DA,

for

employees from

DI, and

all

four

DO — those of us des-

quickly found the others.

mediate clique, regaling each other with

We formed an

stories

im-

of where we

LINDSAYMORAN

32

came from and how we had ended up

here.

We endlessly comWe were

pared our nightmare experiences with the polygraph.

wave of new hires who would join Clandestine Service

the last

Trainee (CST) Class C.

The at

rest

we

of Class C,

learned, already

Headquarters, waiting for us to arrive so that the group

would be complete and we could the other ily

had been working

CSTs

discernible

by

their relative

start training.

and the Agency

in the hallways

We

could see

cafeteria, eas-

youth and confident swaggers.

Unlike most of the government drones in the building, the

CSTs did not appear Notably, they ance.

to have

all still

The CSTs,

been beaten down by the system.

took pains with their personal appear-

for example,

quent the Agency gym.

were the only employees to

CST men

had yet

fre-

to develop the

archetypal bureaucrat's goiter: sallow skin billowing out of a

yellowing white

collar.

And CST women were among

the few

female employees who'd not yet resorted to wearing elasticized waist slacks, or white Reeboks, reserved beneath the desk in

order to

make

the long trek from parking lot to cubicle.

The other members of Class

C resented us,

"the final wave,"

because we'd have only nine months to work at Headquarters before

we commenced

training

down

at

"The Farm," whereas

they'd been languishing at desk jobs for

At

first,

they'd glare at our small group,

a circular table in the far corner

soon emissaries were Class

more than

huddled together

of the vast

sent, friendships

a year.

cafeteria.

at

But

formed, and, ultimately,

C became a cohesive and bonded group.

Following tion into the

CIA

101,

we commenced

DO. During

this

a

two-week orienta-

introduction to the Clandes-

BLOWING MY COVER tine Service,

path

experienced

I

joining the glorified

all

the spy novels

—

CIA had provided a warped

—view of

being a spy meant

Somehow,

the job.

me

breaking into

crets:

my first misgivings about the career

had chosen.

I

started to realize that

I

33

read prior to

I'd

either glamorized or

I still

had imagined

that

personally stealing other countries' se-

safes; scaling

the exteriors of buildings;

escaping through uncharted labyrinths of underground passages. I'd

rope

even wondered

skills

would come

the only person

The

On officer

reality,

the

was

I'd

spies

I

thought

and

orientation, the job of a case

out for

us.

Our

life's

recruit foreign spies.

"agents" or "assets" in

CIA

we

secrets. Secrets,

lingo

mission was to

These foreign

—would

sell us,

If things

a

minor

—

went sour

—

glitch in his career,

would be

ical

little, if

sent

rest

of his

life or,

worse, executed.

any, discussion about the

moral and eth-

implications of persuading another person to

pionage. In effect, the dorit get caught.

friend

We

agent

home, representing

whereas the agent would probably

be thrown into prison for the

There was

access.

like if either a case officer or his

the case officer

their

learned, were classified infor-

mation to which the foreign agent should have unique

was caught

and

far different story.

DO

day of our

explicitly laid

case officers,

my rock-climbing

Most important,

in handy.

of course, was a

first

exactly

be endangering would be myself.

spot, assess, develop,

—

when

commit

es-

DO motto was Lie, cheat, and steal; just

were educated on

anyone who might have

how

to spot

and be-

access to valuable information,

keeping a vigilant lookout for potential vulnerabilities

—such

as

alcoholism, a faltering marriage, a stagnating career, or a dying

LINDSAY MORAN

34

—

member

family

that

might make them more susceptible

to

our overtures.

Contrary to popular jargon, a

CIA

CIA but rather the CIA case officer

employee of the

States,

is

not the actual

who

has

on behalf of

the

hapless schlub

been recruited by a

United

agent

to spy

usually in exchange for money.

The whole

process of spotting, assessing, developing, and enlisting for-

eign agents

is

called

"The Recruitment Cycle."

Once we had spotted someone with potential

access

and de-

termined his (most agents are men) vulnerabilities, we were

supposed to play upon those weaknesses and introduce ways in

which "our organization" might

tential agent

is

commonly

called,

school in the United States,

pay

for

we would sound

If there

it.

help. If the target, as a po-

wanted

we could

send his son to

was a daughter dying of some

offer to provide treatment. This,

like

to

offer to arrange

such a bad thing:

I

it

and

rare disease,

of course, did not

imagined myself some sort of

covert do-gooder. But if the target refused a recruitment pitch,

then the offer was withdrawn. then

later

—

tion

or

And

if

the target accepted, but

decided that treason was too dangerous an occupaif

he

failed to

would terminate

all

produce adequate intelligence

—we

contact and cut off whatever assistance

we'd been providing. In cases where the potential asset exhibited no obvious vulnerabilities,

him with

we were encouraged

to

wine and dine him, ply

alcohol and glimpses of the

well, ultimately

we could weaken

"Everybody has some quently assured

us. "It's

good

life.

If all

went

his resolve.

Achilles' heel,"

our instructors

your job to figure out whatl"

fre-

BLOWINGMYCOVER Our

we were

careers,

told,

depended on the number of re-

cruitments

we

upon more

favorably than others

gets,"

such

secured.

as Russians,

35

While some recruitments were looked

—

for example, the "hard tar-

North Koreans, and Chinese

seemed

to be far less important than quantity.

cruiters

were the heroes of Agency

I

started to have

the idea of preying

upon

not to

him

my own

for

like the idea

Legendary

thoughts.

re-

luck.

did not like

I

people, especially people

of pretending to be someone's friend, to use

quality

lore.

momentous second

might be experiencing a run of bad

—

who

already

did not like the idea

I

the while intending

all

career progression.

particularly did

I

of putting someone in danger by asking him

—

do something

—

betray his country

that

myself would

I

never do.

The veteran

case officers provided

myriad justifications. Were

doing these people a favor. They want the money. It

makes

their lives better.

to

work for

A

lot

of them

oppressive regimes; their betrayal ofthose regimes tive

us.

They need exist

under

somethingposi-

is

and brave.

Intellectually,

had a point.

It

I

could see that the experienced Agency officers

was easy

cruit foreigners to

to understand

why we needed

have an adequate intelligence

service.

to re-

And

I

should not have expected spying to be anything but an inherently dirty business. But I

could see that

my

I

was unsettled nonetheless. Already

my own

usually crystalline sense of

moral

parameters was becoming blurred.

By

the time

we completed

assigned to offices for our

coming

DO

first

a bit withdrawn. This

orientation

"interim,"

was unusual

I

and had been

found myself be-

for

me, because

I'd

LINDSAYMORAN

36

always been an open, social person. But none of

"on the outside"

knew where

I

the inside," there was

how

given

fiercely

self It

and

ability to trust in

—were

all

I

stilted

and

could

felt I

singularity of purpose

and

rely

"On

strange.

trust, especially

competitive the trainees tended to be.

bition, independence,

with an

nobody

friends

my conversations

worked and

with them had become increasingly

my

Am-

—combined

on nobody other than your-

characteristics essential to one's success as a spy.

would have been foolhardy Occasionally,

I

to confide in

tried to raise questions

anyone

at

work.

among my

class-

mates about the morality of harrying down-on-their-luck eigners into spying for the United States. either blank or suspicious stares. "If

I

you

for-

generally received

feel that

way," one

classmate said to me, "you shouldn't be here."

Looking back, perhaps he was

right.

At the time,

I still felt

the CIA.

my country by working for But I began to let go of my idealism and to accept the

fact that

becoming

as if I

could do something good for

issues that

which

I

a successful spy

were not always

lose

I

no one with

pushed those doubts

my sense of myself.

Meanwhile, Sasho,

doing things with

was not always entirely comfortable.

In short, having

doubts,

might mean confronting

clear-cut, or

I

was

who would

I

whom

aside.

I

As a

could discuss result, I

my

began to

began to change.

in a

quandary

as to

what

to

do about

be arriving in a few weeks. During one of

our seemingly endless security

briefings, we'd

been told

that,

in addition to the countless other regulations related to dating

BLOWING MY COVER

we were

a foreigner,

that foreigner

37

required to obtain special permission

was going

to stay with us for

consecutive days, and particularly

if he

more than

if

eight

would have "unfettered

On the one hand, could see the need for On the other hand, I was incensed by the rule. If was following standard procedure and "living my cover," there should be nothing in my home even to link me access" to the

home.

I

the Agency's concern. I

to the

CIA. Needless to

wasn't one of those careers where

say, it

you could take work home with you, (Every Agency

officer,

I

would come

job in the form of unparalleled Still, I

drafted a

mission for visit for

memo

stress

to realize, carries

home his

and near-constant anxiety.)

boyfriend, Sasho Todorov, to

two or three weeks." In

fact, I

reasons, not least of which

was

I

was hesitant

fear that

come

had no idea how long

We'd talked about getting married

him from being deported, but

new

not physically.

to the Office of Security, asking per-

"my Bulgarian

he'd be staying.

at least

for a

to prevent

number of

Sasho would place

my

career in certain jeopardy.

If a

CIA officer marries

a foreigner

permission only, of course

come an American in the

—

citizen,

United States for

—with

that foreigner

the Agency's prior is

required to be-

meaning the couple must remain

at least five years.

For a case

officer,

half a decade Stateside, especially early on, constitutes a career killer in

and of itself. Prior

spouse also

is

to marriage, the intended foreign

required to take a polygraph

exam and undergo

thorough background investigation. Meanwhile, violation for the

Agency

before the day of the polygraph.

would

it's

officer to reveal his true

feel like to learn, after

One can

a

a security

employers

only imagine what

it

getting engaged to someone, that

LINDSAYMORAN

38

you've been lied to throughout the entire relationship, and that to

add

atically

deceived

Not

insult to injury,

—

will

you

—

the one who's been system-

be required to take a lie-detector

surprisingly, this particular "nondisclosure" rule

tinely ignored. Every case officer

dating a foreigner had

ployment

early on.

and

trainee

that person in

let

his

A lot of Agency guys even

is

rou-

knew who was

I

on

test!

Agency em-

used what they

euphemistically referred to as their "true affiliation" to pick up easily

impressed foreign

Although to visit

I

sent the

women

memo

had

first

place.

requesting permission for Sasho

weeks in advance, a few days before

not yet received approval. still

in the

to "circulate"

I

his arrival

was told repeatedly that the

among several different offices.

I

had

memo

"It

could

be months before you hear anything," one particularly unsympathetic security officer said to me. "That

anything

if

you hear

him

stay with

is,

at all."

"Meanwhile,

it's

a security violation if I have

me without your permission?"

I

said.

"It is indeed," the security officer said.

"In

fact, that

would

be considered a serious breach." I

was exasperated. Making what

tempt

I

considered a valiant

to follow the rules, this conspiracy

seemed

at-

of petty bureaucrats

to take almost perverse delight in deliberately creating

obstacles.

The day before and asked

me

to

Sasho's arrival, a security officer finally called

come to his

out, because he "just

memo,

that

I

office.

now" had

He was concerned,

noticed,

on the

had reported Sasho's father

first

it

turned

page of my

as residing in Libya.

BLOWING MY COVER

39

"What's he doing in Libya?" the security

officer, in

imitation

of some kind of hard-boiled criminal investigator, asked me. "His father

a surgeon,"

is

enough money

in Bulgaria, so

make

explained. "But he cant

I

he moved to Libya to practice."

"Why Libya?" "I guess there

"Well,

it

a large Bulgarian

is

community there,"

I

said.

doesn't look good."

"He's not Libyan himself." "It still doesn't

The nied;

I

officer left

look good."

me

in a panic that

went home wondering what

my job?

Should

I tell

I

my request would be deshould do. Should

I

quit

Sasho not to come? He'd already spent

the entirety of his day laborer savings

on

a ticket.

I

couldn't

sleep that night, anguishing over the right course of action,

and

all

the while sensing that this problem was only the tip of

the iceberg. I

decided to ignore the situation, and in the end, permission

was granted, although not

until several

months

after

Sasho

had come and gone. What's more, the Office of Security misspelled Sasho's last

name

and, having run traces on the

person, granted permission for

some nonexistent

Sasho Podorov (instead of Todorov), to stay with

wrong

foreigner,

me for "a pe-

riod of time not to exceed ten consecutive days."

When

the albeit

moot memo

finally arrived,

it

read:

"We

have conducted traces on employee's reported close and contin-

uing contact and have surfaced no derogatory info on the eign national." Sasho's visit

A ringing endorsement of my alien was

bittersweet.

He

stayed with

me

for-

boyfriend. for

about

a

LINDSAY MORAN month, during which time we spent weekends climbing in West Virginia.

I

found temporary solace

enduring hardness of

in the

and the sun-sparkling waters of the

the rocks,

which we

recklessly hurled ourselves

Sasho was a brief herald to

me

of who

I

summer

me when I grew

brittle

it!

—

angry and

the while not having any idea

all

But the lying was wearing

worked

at

days.

—

He

me

tried to

cant talk about

what was wrong.

me down.

Sasho,

who thought

I

"one of the government agencies" in Washington,

D.C., would often try to walk I

into

was; he reminded

of peaceable Bulgaria and carefree

comfort

New River,

from unimaginable heights.

me

to

work.

I

was evasive and,

am sure, transparent as every day I came up with some excuse why that was not possible. I have to drive to Virginia first

as to

to pick

up panty

the Krispy

hose.

Kreme

in

It's

my turn

to

get donutsfor the office from

McLean. The gas

is

cheaper at this station

near Langley, Virginia.

Sasho must have thought Washington, D.C., was a dreadfully

inconvenient capital

city,

with no place to purchase stock-

ings, snacks, or reasonably priced gas.

In the end, our relationship proved untenable. lying

made me

Sasho apart. itself in

I

irritable,

felt

guilty

my

erratic behavior

the time, and

anger and bouts of crying. Sasho,

When one day I San Francisco," for the best.

with

and all

tears,

I

it

finally said, "I

The

constant

was tearing

my guilt manifested I

think, just

felt sad.

think you should go back to

wasn't hard to convince Sasho that this was

will never forget his searching eyes, welling over

when we

"Good luck with

finally said

good-bye

at the airport.

the job," he said with a sad but ironic grin.

BLOWING MY COVER knew

In his heart, he

must have found For days,

smile, or

I

anguished over whether

for that matter.

And

my my

Why had

why, with

all

and

losses

available to

on

my soul

touched

me.

I

quit?

until

I

finally

I'd

I

And

for

much

that

—

or even at

all>

turned Sasho away?

I

I

not just

would have had every opportunity

I

had

my

had Harvard

I

belt.

could have

I

Law

loved, or to Berkeley

deferred admission for two years running

down

it

wanted

I

for the Agency.

to see the

Agency through. That

had not yet been scratched. wanted

to finish the training.

even wanted to be a say,

right thing.

that Sasho did.

was young and accomplished.

turned

Quite simply,

done the

mounting misgivings, did

gone back to teaching, which

itch

way

in the

I

my

I'd

resume, and a Fulbright under

School, where

He

had consumed me.

Agency understood me, made me

in the

no one there cared about me

sure

cut

career

both insulting and absurd.

it

nobody

Certainly,

my

that

even

if

spy.

I

I

wanted

wanted

to be able to look

only to myself, / did that! Moreover,

Agency needed people motivated and people to have settled

on the

like

me, people

who might

lieved that

the things that bothered

all

could eventually change

So

I

if

ming upstream.

I

bright

and

behemoth organi-

might get something done.

me

I

be-

about the Agency

only smart, reasonable people were

Maybe someday I could be one of those

would keep going,

back and

thought the

who were

cubicles within this

who

actually

I

I still

shake the dust that seemed

zation, people

in charge.

to live overseas.

I

decided, even

would make

my own

if

meant swim-

that

rules

people.

and maintain

LINDSAYMORAN

U2

my own

sense of morality,

and

I

would not

let

my

spirit

be

squelched. I

said these things to myself nearly every

mied back

into stockings,

my

and put on pert

unruly hair into a tight bun.

little I

said

morning as

searched in

shim-

pumps, and pulled

them

drove to work each day, trying not to veer outside I

I

to myself as

I

my lane while

my purse for that tiny, yet inflexible,

blue badge.

THREE

/

am

at a party somewhere in

friends.

Manhattan with my two

have gone. I am standing in the

corner,

arms

crossed over

Ifeel like an imposing, unsightly monolith. Everyone on "E" andfalling in

love.

best

Emma and Emily

For the moment, I don't know where

my chest.

else is rolling

I am the weird and menacing friend,

from phenomenally uncool Washington, D.C., with

the spooky-

sounding government job. After another long

I took the in

six-o'clock train

Penn Station at

girls'

and monotonous week from Washington

ten P.M., just

apartment, change from

borrowed from Emilys midnight.

closet,

my

last night,

enough time little

at Headquarters,

to

make

arriving it to

the

blue suit into some outfit

and head out on

the

town

before

LINDSAYMORAN

44

We spent Saturday afternoon

nursing our hangovers with greasy

food and getting foot massages in Chinatown.

Now

it's

near mid-

night and were out and at it again, this time at the penthouse apart-

ment of some

—-from

bedroom-eyed trustfundafarian who

lithe,

—

what I gather

routinely holds the prep arty before

name

night rave. His real

any given

Tucker, but people call

is

him

all-

Thrash.

whom I also assume to be the primary supplier of illegal substances, eyes me suspiciously, as ifI were an undercover cop. Thrash,

I wish I knew where the girls were. I think they must have headed with some of the

to the rooftop

others.

Neither Emma nor Emily knows the nature ofmy job, but they

know

both

that, ever since

adamant about saying no the girls party.

kind

—

its

good

to

But probably,

to drugs.

have at

connection.

one responsible person in the half wonder if I

am

some

DEA.

Emma and Emily "

least

My abstinence doesn't bother

like Thrash, they

of informant for the

I met

I started working in Washington, I am

through what we call "the Bulgarian

Emma, an American

girl

of Bulgarian

descent, ar-

rived in Sofia around the same time I did in the early nineties.

Her

—having —

artist parents

two decades

earlier

shortly after the fall

Sofia

escaped Bulgaria's oppressive regime

returned with their

of communism,

and give Emma an

now grown daughter

to reclaim

inkling of her Balkan

Emily showed up in Sofia

later

a

villa outside

roots.

with her then husband, who had

been awarded a small stipend to help post-Communist Bulgarian businesses segue into capitalism.

Eastern Europe to she

Emily had used her

write a novel andfigure out her

and her husband separated and Emma,

life.

Emily,

idle days in

Eventually,

and I became

our own goofy version ofthe Three Musketeers: meetingfor borscht

LOWING MY COVER nearly every day at Sofia's

Cold War

relic

45

ofa restaurant The Rus-

pounding whiskeys and Cokes with fried-egg-topped

sian Club,

pizza dinners; running around to Bulgarian discos at all hours of the night.

Around

the

same time I started with the Agency, the

moved hack from Bulgaria in film.

to

New

York

City.

Emma

is

girls

working

Emily has a job at a publishing house. They work hard all

week and put just as much concerted

effort into

partying on the

weekends.

I know that

my

anywhere, so for

training schedule will soon be too heavy to go

now I

try to

make

weekends as I can. In addition

it

up

being

to

to

New

clueless

York as

many

about where I

work, the girls probably dont know

how important they are to

As I recede further

and insular world of the CIA,

they re

my

into the strange

link to the outside.

They remind

me ofa

time when I did not have

thing and everything I did, to travel

decisions

me.

when I did not have

or to talk to a foreigner,

about what

risks to

like

a

roar,

of the speakers makes me

ask permission

my life. The girls remind me

desperately lonely.

Now I wish I knew where they were. abnormally loud,

any-

and when I could make my own

take in

ofa time when I did not feel so

to

to report

and the

uneasy.

I

The din ofthe party seems techno music booming out

retreat from the living room,

thronging with people, to the brightly

lit

kitchen,

where I find

Thrash, arranging lines of coke on a cheese-cutting board.

"Excuse me, " I say.

Thrash leans over his project as ifprotecting a final exam from the roving eyes

of the cheater seated next

"S'up?" He points his chin at

to

him.

me in a single defensive

thrust.

LINDSAY MORAN

46

"I'm just looking for

backward out the

Much

later,

my

girlfriends, "

I

door.

I do find Emma and Emily

—huddled

together by

and laughing hyster-

the bathroom door. They are obviously high ically over

already stepping

say,

something.

"What's going on?" I ask.

"Nothing!" Emily shouts between convulsions of hilarity. She

moves

to put

and Emma hugs me on

her arm around my shoulder,

the other side. "It's just

Thrash, " Emily gasps. "He's totally paranoid.

some kind ofbadge and arrest everyone here.

you're going to flash

I cannot help but laugh their minds, flank

too.

The

to myself,

although half out of

girls,

and protect me from

I chuckle

this party.

the

awful anonymity of

wondering what the folks from the

Office of Security back in Langley might think. this

when I realize my

I

leave the

Agency made us

not by choice.

ing to

becoming

let

the

It's

moments

like

really odd.

that

CIA when my doubts began

ginning, the least

life's

more than one reason

here was

He thinks

I

did not just up and

to surface.

feel as if

we could

From

the be-

not leave, at

We all had signed secrecy agreements pledg-

Agency prescreen anything and everything we

might ever write,

say,

or do. If we broke our secrecy agreements,

the Office of Security cheerily informed us, "we'll go after you."

"We've done

it

in the past

woman, sausaged

and we'll do

it

again," said a sturdy

into her blue rent-a-cop uniform, standing

behind a podium and pounding

its

wooden

surface with her

BLOWING MY COVER meaty

fist.

Agency "And she

is

"In

my

don't even think about putting

hounded

tries to

disparage the

is!"

CIA on your

resume,"

us from her pulpit. "This organization

the business of building will

who

mind, anyone

the worst kind of mole there

47

up your

credentials.

We

deny any knowledge of you when and

not in

is

have and

if potential

we

em-

ployers call." I

imagined myself sitting in a job interview sometime in the

future, saying, "Yes,

sume,

sir,

Little

but

by

side of the

I'd

I

have to

CIA had

best thing to

do was

Aside from

kill

began to

little, I

my re-

could explain the two-year gap in

you

first."

feel as if

the options for

and

already dwindled

me

out-

that perhaps the

just stay the course.

instilling fear in

our hearts, the Agency also

dangled bunches of carrots in our

We were all promised

faces.

overseas postings within a year, with sly assurances that case officers live in fabulous houses, far better

State

Department

officers.

No

matter,

I

than those afforded

should add, that the

CIA's luxury accommodations abroad, relative to that of State

Department counterparts, represent an obvious inconsistency that

undermines the Agency

officer's cover,

making

it

easy for

the locals to "spot the spook."

We

were told the Agency provided

to drive

again, unlike our State colleagues.

undesirable places, I

all-terrain

SUVs

for us

and flew us Business Class everywhere we went

we would

number of so-called

receive danger

was shocked to discover that

to be cosmopolitan

In a

and hardship pay

—which

Sofia, Bulgaria

and comfortable

—was considered

I

knew

a hard-

LINDSAY MORAN

48

ship post,

and that Agency

maximum In

officers assigned there received the

differential.

most of the supposedly objectionable

fact,

places in

pay

where

London

wanted to

I

or Paris.

I

serve.

I

didn't join the

was intrigued by

were

locales

Agency

to live

rife-with-conflict Bal-

kan hellholes and the mysterious outposts of the "Icky-stans," southern provinces of the former Soviet Union were

as the

commonly that if

I

called in the halls of Headquarters.

served a couple of tours in one of these purportedly

miserable territories,

than

calculated

I

I

could pay back

my college loans

in less

five years.

Another among the Agency's enticements was the training self.

Following our interims

—three-month —we would head

stints in at least three

different Headquarters offices

military training.

how

to

"jump"

—

At the end of PM that

is,

it-

training,

off for para-

we would

skydive out of an airplane.

learn

Someone

was going to pay me to partake of extreme-sporting adventure!

And so I pushed my misgivings better days ahead.

aside as

I

looked forward to

My first interim was in the Central Eurasian

Division, where I'd occupy the Kazakhstan cubicle, dutifully

performing the most mundane ered that for several existed at

our

all.

As

officers in

tasks.

A week into

months no Kazakhstan desk

a result,

much

it, I

discov-

officer

had

of the correspondence from

and around the Kazakh

capital,

Almaty, had

been ignored completely.

The CIA

chief in

my

Almaty took advantage of

fleeting

tenure at Headquarters to propose a trip for our counterparts in the

Kazakh

intelligence service. For their visit,

I

was told

to

BLOWING MY COVER make ties

hotel reservations

—

and research entertainment

possibili-

specifically, area tittie bars.

To maintain face-to-face.

my cover,

For

this, I

tographs, they were a I

49

was given ten

Agency

store.

I

I

would not meet any of the Kazakhs

was thankful. Judging by

bunch of fearsome

dollars per

Kazakh

bought a dozen shot

thugs. Meanwhile,

buy them

to

pho-

their

the

gifts at

glasses bearing the

CIA

logo and similarly adorned ballpoint pens.

Planning the larly

visit

was a

lot

of work, and none of it particu-

glamorous: making countless hotel and dinner reserva-

tions, chartering busses,

would be diversionary

—

checking store hours, ensuring there although

far

Kazakh wives during the nocturnal cross

between a

glorified girl Friday

—

tamer

He

I

was a

boss at

Head-

and a pimp.

Afterward, the chief in Almaty e-mailed quarters in praise of my efforts.

activities for the

tittie-bar runs.

my

reported that the Kazakhs

got drunk and ate big steaks and enjoyed countless taxpayer-

funded lap dances while selves in the hotel

their oblivious wives indulged

they purchased each day from

"The

trip

was a raging

The Gap.

success," the chief wrote.

small part to the efforts of your diligent and able It

them-

hot tub and relished mountains of clothes

"Due

new

in

no

trainee.

goes without saying that she has a promising future in our

organization."

My second interim was a modicum time,

I

worked

as a reports officer

more

substantive. This

on the Balkans. At

that

LINDSAYMORAN

50

time, the Balkans were a foreign-policy priority

namic

office attracted energetic

preciation of the absurd

was responsible

I

beloved Bulgaria. years It

I

I

and a sense of adventure.

(FYROM),

had always intrigued me.

was home to mystical Lake Ohrid, the

whose

largest

and deepest

in

alluring black water separated up-and-

coming Eastern Europe from the Macedonia,

my

a tiny country bordering

had never visited Macedonia during the two

lived in Bulgaria, but the place

the Balkans,

Former Yugoslav Re-

for the little-known

public of Macedonia

and the dy-

young employees with an ap-

at that time,

lawless territory of Albania.

was the

sole

public not to have disintegrated into

former Yugoslav

civil

re-

war and rampant

ethnic cleansing, even though a substantial percentage of

its

population was Albanian Muslim and the majority was Slavic

Orthodox.

seemed

It

to

me

an astounding anomaly in

this

otherwise tragically disharmonious part of the world.

As that

a reports officer,

is,

was to

and around Skopje, the

formed an

ultimately

it

down

to the

would be used

occasion,

I

but

it

thrilling,

was

DI

to

it

analysts,

own

sent

Once

I

from our

had

trans-

who would

reports,

incor-

some of which

brief members of Congress and,

The work was not

was better than scoping out

cafeteria.

—

was no longer "Top

told, the president.

The members of my Agency

capital.

intelligence report so that

sent

I

porate this information into their

on

sanitize information

remove any source-revealing material

officers in

Secret,"

my job

class frequently

tittie bars.

met

for coffee in the

We were not as eclectic a group as one might

BLOWINGMYCOVER imagine:

some former

51

cops, a lot of ex-military people, hardly

any academics. The Agency certainly no longer was the natural extension era.

of the Ivy League,

as

it

There was only one guy from Yale

dent body

—

—and another Harvard

Warren had been never crossed.

a year

to

campus whose

law school

It

as

fluently. It

CIA

He was

also,

He

spoke half a

was

just that

Warren had

common sense whatsoever. This was not, trait in a

Harvard

at

wasn't that he was not

smart; to the contrary, he likely was brilliant.

no

stu-

fertile

grad.

to join the Agency.

incompetent.

dozen foreign languages

earlier

for claiming to have left a six-figure

London law firm

as a trainee, flagrantly

expendable

its

ahead of me, and our paths had

He had gone on

and was notorious

salary with a

a

in

one time had constituted the CIAs most

at

feeding ground

well,

had been

unfortunately, an

case officer.

Aside from his tendency to overreact and/or panic in the face

of simple tasks and basic simulated

tinely

showed up

gether,

fell

exercises,

Warren rou-

missed appointments alto-

late for class,

asleep in the middle of nearly every given lecture,

and, most egregiously, blew people's covers in public venues.

One

time,

Warren hosted

addition to our training foreign

a party to

class, a

women, most of whom,

which he

invited, in

dazzling array of voluptuous it

emerged, he had met in

air-

port lounges.

The members of our group stood

silence while

Warren boisterously conducted introductions,

mangling most of our names by mixing the our Agency-assigned

smack style

his

hand

"Doh!"

aliases.

Upon

to his forehead

real

in mortified

names with

realizing his error,

and emit

a

he would

Homer Simpson-

LINDSAY MORAN

52

For whatever reason, characters

liked Warren, as

I

liked the

who added a bit of color to our class. Aaron,

was a Renaissance life

I

man with

few other the Yalie,

countless stories about his former

in the African bush, doing research for his doctorate and

on bike trips. A tall white

leading groups of high school students

guy who looked every

bit the

academic, he would sometimes

break into one of those tongue-clucking languages and none

would have known

if

he was faking

it.

Rob, a former Louisi-

ana cop, loved to point out the irony of him and

Harvard" a

per

—

had

Fi!,"

when

as

he called

who was

marine

me

—being

classmates.

Gung-ho

forever ending our conversations with

a sick sense of

humor

Miss

"Little

that kept

me

Ike,

"Sem-

laughing

the absurdity of our environment warranted antide-

pressants.

For the most part, however, the group formed a collective posture of nearly obscene arrogance. This was no wonder.

Case

officers

were treated

already exclusive Agency.

we were

basis that

cream of the crop within the

as the

We

were reminded on a near-daily

the "best and the brightest."

concept laughable, having attended school

and prodigies

at

Harvard, where

own

intellectual

"The

best

limitations

and the

I'd

and

brightest" the

I

found

among

this

geniuses

grown acutely aware of my relatively

CIA

meager

talents.

trainee cadre was, quite

simply, not.

As CSTs, we were catered children.

to

and coddled, much

Fven when performing grunt work, we were made

feel that

we were

A

thing, as this illusory concept

good

kept

me

like spoiled

going.

to

contributing invaluably to the larger mission.

was

in large part

what

BLOWINGMYCOVER

During

training,

we were

ing been assigned the

none of us knew one

all

of

first

53

paranoid about "cover." Hav-

many Agency-provided

aliases,

And we

almost

another's real last names.

never divulged details about our out-of-Agency In counterintelligence briefings, farious traitors ficers

who

and who

we

lives.

learned about the ne-

Jim Nicholson and Aldrich Ames, CIA case

of-

turned out to have been working for the Russians

effectively devastated

course of several years, agents spying

on our

Ames had

behalf,

quently executed. Nicholson,

had been an instructor

Agency

operations.

sold out countless Soviet

most of whom the

who

at the

KGB

conse-

time of his perfidy

The Farm, provided

at

Over the

the

KGB

a

list

CIA officers-in- training, CSTs. The names of young men and women slated to go to Moscow, we heard, had com-

of

manded

a particularly high price. Instructors now, consequently,

were not given the true

last

names of any of their

students.

The Nicholson and Ames fiascos had caused Agency morale to

plummet during

the late 1980s and early 1990s. Security

measures grew even more

rigid,

and

highly "compartmentalized." Even a

all

information became

DO

case officer with a

top secret security clearance received information only on a

need-to-know

basis.

Unfortunately, this mandate, while conceptually valid, was rarely enforced. Office

plain failures of the

computer system

ployees (myself included)

needed to know.

— —meant

and hallway banter

knew

significantly

as well as just

that

most em-

more than they

LINDSAYMORAN

54

Most

comically,

we were

told that employees wearing gray

badges, such as cafeteria workers and custodians, had the least

need

to

know and were

as to the identity

—

as a

— "uninformed

matter of policy

of their true employers."

Yes,

I

thought, these

who

drive into the Headquarters parking lot each day

like the rest

of us are surely unaware that they're working for

people

the CIA.

While most Agency employees administrative workers

where they worked,

we were

result,

thrilled

lege

when

—could

—

tell

their families

as future case officers,

vice."

the Harvard alumni magazine

—mistakenly

The

and

we could

reported

As

a

I

was

—which my

col-

plans to join the foreign

my plans

from the truth the

farther

and

friends

not.

neurotic about maintaining our covers.

roommate had informed of my

service

analysts, scientists,

to "join the forest ser-

better,

and

I

embraced

my new identity as some kind of lady park ranger. Most people at a party,

worked

I

Washington, D.C.,

in

answered a question about

"for the

my job

though.

If,

by saying that

I

government," the immediate and invariable

response was "Oh!

As

aren't idiots,

You mean you work

one's career progresses,

we were

for the

CIA."

told, one's cover natu-

rally erodes.

"You can always identify an Agency

officer,"

one of my

first

bosses said. "He's the one out working a cocktail party while

the State

Department weenies cower

Although we knew our cover was

we fiercely defended and

it

was a

tacit

it.

The CST

in a corner." flimsy, in the

beginning

class did everything together,

courtesy to check beforehand

if you

planned

BLOWINGMYCOVER to invite

an "unwitting" guest along, since the nature of the con-

versation

would have

to shift so drastically. Discussing

thing other than the Agency was a

One guy

in our class

from the group when to his girlfriend,

it

skill

we'd

all

evidently

whom we

that

"We

don't

lost.

he had revealed

knew, that he actually worked

all

all

of

one of the more

us!"

commu-

fanatical cover guardians cried, rallying the others to

nal outrage.

some-

was pretty much excommunicated was discovered

CIA. "He compromised

for the

55

know who

this girl really «"!"

another

zealot shouted.

For me, protecting

more

insular

cousins,

who

the hell

I

simple as or not

I

my

cover meant becoming

more and

and guarded. At Thanksgiving dinner with I

my

imagined already were suspicious about what

was up

to,

I

was hard-pressed to explain things

as

how I commuted to work each morning and whether

had a view from

my office. Only once in my life had I

been inside the government agency in downtown Washington

where

I

was supposed to be working and,

have recognized the building were

of it.

I

I

frankly,

I

wouldn't

plopped directly

in front

reverted to nebulous claims such as "I get a ride with a

colleague"

and

"I

work

in the blue hallway," vaguely recalling

the color-coded corridors of my cover organization headquarters.

But usually people, such

detailed information. Finally,

worked

in a

as I

my cousins, ended up

government "annex"

pressed for more-

telling

in Virginia,

them

which

I

that

am

I

sure

they accurately interpreted as "the CIA." In fact, each trainee had a D.C. office cover,

one we could give

phone number

to unwitting family

and

friends.

for

The

LINDSAY MORAN

56

name of my

ersatz office

my opinion. One day I told my

was "Regional

Issues"

—

a dead give-

away, in

me

by name,

mother

just to test

at least fifteen

it

out.

to call the

number and

ask for

Mom said that the phone rang

times before someone finally answered with a

kind of exasperated "Hullo?"

When she asked for me,

the per-

Mom to proMom was left dangling

son hesitated for a long while before requiring

my Social

vide

Security number.

Then

for several minutes, during

which time she could overhear

what sounded

some cavernous

like

banter in

space, as if she'd

reached the pay phone in a state penitentiary. After finally

what seemed

like

an interminable search, the person

returned to report that although Lindsay

work in Regional

Issues, she

was not

in the office.

sage could be passed on, but only if it was urgent. last

time

I

tell

number

gave out the

My mother,

would snap

ask her!" she

One

I,

was

know what Lindsay

Mom

just

is

to

doing,

whenever anybody asked.

irritably

of her neighbors even speculated

call girl.

what

at a loss as to

that, given

ous comings and goings and evasive answers,

end

That was the

for Regional Issues.

even more so than

her friends. "If you want to

Moran did Mom's mes-

shrugged and

I

said,

my mysteri-

must be

a high-

"How would

I

know? I'm only her mother."

A

few of

relentlessly

enough

my

friends outside the

about what

details to

my

I

did,

—

and

cover that

following Thanksgiving,

regarding the duties of

when

my

I

I

Agency would little

had

by

little

grill

—

a decent rap.

I

me

added

By

the

held court for several minutes

nonexistent job,

my

performance

BLOWINGMYCOVER was so convincing that started to believe that Still,

I

I

my

mother

57

later said she'd actually

worked somewhere

—

never grew comfortable lying

how adept I had been at it as

a kid.

else after

all.

funny, considering

The difference

no longer deliciously subversive but required

is

—and

that

it

it

was

pervaded

every interaction. "Be careful," one veteran female case officer said to is

me. "You

start to lie

about your job, and soon the

line

blurred. Eventually, you're lying about everything." This

woman

also

had been through three intra-Agency marriages,

my words,

and her other words of caution were: "Mark end up marrying one of these

That

said,

my own

were diminishing

felt,

seemed even remotely

prospects for ever tying the knot, daily.

CIA

None of the men

interesting.

petuated by movies like Spy the neophyte

officer

is

is

I

—

a protagonist who's as

hunky and who

ultimately recognizes

are self-consciously slick

how

best to achieve their next promotions.

trainees spent hours

on

was

lonely, terribly lonely, in fact

was

just

missed

on

hold.

my girlfriends.

And I

in a remote, altogether

I

his job

— most

and preternaturally shal-

The male

I

which

played by some breathtaking

low.

life

worked with

Recruit, in

and confronts the moral dilemma presented by

Agency men

I

Contrary to the image per-

Game and The

hottie like Brad Pitt or Colin Farrell

introspective as he

you'll

assholes."

coffee breaks debating

— but

I

figured

my

love

actually missed Sasho less than

I

spent the majority of my final interim

dormant

office

of the "counterintelli-

gence" bureau. Sequestered in a tiny cubicle,

I'd fritter

the hours exchanging banal e-mail messages with

my

away

fellow

LINDSAY MORAN

58

trainees, all the feld,

while listening to Mrs. Yee and Mrs. Rosen-

two longtime Headquarters employees who occupied

adjacent cubicles. These leased an tive,

gaseous emissions.

an entire afternoon,

own

women

never spoke.

They simply

re-

ongoing litany of sporadic, and seemingly competi-

as

The ladies would fart their way through I

grew ever more

fate within this bizarre organization.

dispirited about

my

FOUR

Sheer terror of being wolves, the remains

—

heat

The

Land

is

left

of my

what compels

first

alone in the woods

me

—

to

be eaten alive by

corpse decomposing in the

day of paramilitary training has been devoted

basic classroom instruction, light sticks.

we each are provided a compass and

Some hours

later,

a

ports us to the edge ofan eerie fairy-tale forest. sign every trainee

a

dump The

truck trans-

instructors as-

set of arbitrarily designated coordinates that

at least one wooded mile away. Were supposed to

ways, individually the other side dle

to

Navigation. Following what I consider some alarmingly

two fluorescent

lie

summer

to focus.

of course,

to

make our

our particular points located on

ofthe woods. By the time we get started,

it's

the

mid-

of the night.

I curse out loud again and again as I find myself inextricably

LINDSAY MORAN

60

tangled in thickets ofdense bramble

a deep breath, and squint at

I hear

leaves

and

of what I presume

and thorny brush. I stop,

my compass.

to

be nighttime predators tracking

with a wild boar, or have a snake

mind transforms a

Everywhere around me,

branches breaking under the cautious footsteps

I would not be surprised in the

sides.

take

least to

coil its

me from

all

come face-to-snout

way around my

legs.

My

barberry bush into a snarling African panther.

This nighttime slog through the woods for which the instructor

cadre has allotted sixty minutes has

gin

to

now gone on for

give up hope ofever reaching the other

aroundfor some small clearing in which

side.

hours.

I be-

Panicky, I look

to sit and weep.

But then

I imagine the extent to which I will be mocked and maligned ifI don't

make

it to

pick myself up,

the other side.

and move

I draw upon my

on.

Bramble by bush, I finally make my way find stationed there an directors chair,

The

self

he's

reserve energy,

instructor.

into

a clearing and

Seated on a collapsible movie

smoking a pipe and humming softly

instructor pauses his melody long

enough

to

to

him-

exhale a

white streak ofsmoke, which lingers in the air as he addresses me:

"What

took you so long,

little

lady? I was 'bout ready to drop

off'

to sleep.

"Am I the

man

last

one across?" The euphoria ofseeing another hu-

already has transformed into mortification.

Just then, his handheld radio crackles to

life.

From some

other

spot in the woods, another instructor indicates that his student, Ike,

has also just

made

it across.

I can hear Ike

in the

background

on the other end of the radio: "Semper Fit" "No, darling, you're not the last one across, "the instructor turns to me. "In fact, you're

one ofthe first.

Now get on

back

to the bar-

BLOWINGMYCOVER and give yourself a thorough

racks

61

checking for

ticks.

I bet you're

covered in 'em.

I turn and head toward a clearing.

ofthis

spotlight

beaming from the far edge

Every twenty-five yards or so, I am greeted by an-

other instructor waiting for his student to emerge.

I arrive at an idling pickup

Finally, sits

Ike

and one other student, aformer Green

Ed, the only instructor whose

far—

in

part because

ceded him

—

ofa

Ed

looks like

truck. Legs apart,

serious power trip.

Ike

to slap

me on

the back. I crawl

and Derek. Ed nods

y'all ladies

As

a ride home.

and I shout

to

at us as he slams shut the back.

"I'll give

"

unpaved ground, Ike

each other, reliving our navigational sagas. Derek

I get the feeling

a woman finished darkness,

belligerent stance long

up on the truck bed with

the pickup barrels over the bumpy,

is silent.

arms

a small-town sheriff in the

"Goodjob, kiddo," he says, breaking his enough

named Derek.

a "mean bastard" has pre-

me and the

stands between

Beret

back ofwhich

name I've committed to memory so

his reputation as

crossed over his chest, throes

truck, in the

he's

so close

both stunned

and annoyed

that

behind him. As he glowers into the

I feel a surge of pride and

inspiration.

I look up at

the countless stars that, back home, are obscured by the lights

of

Washington. It's

hot

and sticky, and I can feel my body

bump and pothole.

Still,

I

bruising with each

relish this ride. I've

something I thought would be the end of me.

just excelled at

I've already over-

come at least one fear. I lean back and let the darkness envelop me. ofthe night and I'm

It's

the middle

it's

been a long time since I felt this

in the middle alive.

of nowhere, and

LINDSAY MORAN

62

In the spring,

I

my

broke the lease on

apartment, put

belongings in storage, and, along with the

rest

of

CST

my

Class

C, boarded a yellow school bus headed south, to a CIA-owned

commonly known

near Williamsburg, Virginia,

site

Farm."

We

would spend the

rarely returning to

To

my

explain

months,

I

Washington even

at

"The

The Farm,

for weekends.

mysterious absence during the next several

me

"The govern-

to a military base in Norfolk, Virginia,

was employed

I

of that year

crafted a bogus but plausible story:

ment" had sent where

rest

as

as

some kind of minion

diplomatic Balkan task force.

for a military-

figured the time

I

I

spent in

Bulgaria lent credence to the story, and the military aspect ex-

why

plained

I'd

been wearing in a pair of combat boots for

months beforehand. I

would

cado,

all

explaining

say,

a real hassle to call

"It's

why

I

from the

base,"

was completely incommuni-

my story might only provoke fur-

the while anxious that

ther inquisition. In fact, I'd never even been to Norfolk,

how

wouldn't have been able to explain

D.C., or even

The (PM) and

it

would

and

from

take.

few months would be devoted to paramilitary

training, culminating in

—we had heard—some

The I

first

how long

to get there

our airborne jump qualification

sort

of

POW

camp

experience.

PM groundwork was probably my favorite, and just what my enthusiasm. We were divided into with whom we'd eat, study, and train.

needed to reinvigorate

teams of nine

My

trainees,

team's potentially strongest asset

Green

was Derek, the former

Beret. Unfortunately, his irritation at taking part in

BLOWINGMYCOVER

63

rudimentary exercises with hapless beginners prevented him

from being much

help.

My teammate Mark, who'd also served in the Army, acted as Derek and the

a buffer between

woman we

called

both energy and

Derek was

Tornado

of us

—

in particular a

an unstoppable whirlwind of

errors.

particularly frustrated with Sallys

performance

caboose on the obstacle course, a

as the team's catastrophic ries

Sally,

rest

of hazards that included:

tire

se-

formations through which to

hop, enormous walls over which to hurl oneself, thick ropes

with which to swing over deep ravines, metal tubing through

which

to belly-crawl,

ance beams and

and

monkey

The most daunting high horizontal

logs.

a

number of precariously high

bars to traverse.

obstruction was a series of meter-plus-

Jumping them was

the likes of Mark, Derek, Rob,

than

six feet tall.

all

well

—

But the hurdles came up to

flattering

manner

and

fling

—over

right in front of me,

and

the

and good

and Gung-ho Ike

were placed in such close proximity that even get a running start

bal-

my

if

I

all

for

more

chest,

and

managed

to

—in some obscenely un-

myself

first log,

I still

had

five

there

was another one

or six

more

to go.

The

guys from other teams would congregate around the log hurdles, I

enjoying the pageant of women trying to get over them.

finally

formulated a technique whereby

ber with both arms, then straddle

it

I'd

embrace the tim-

awkwardly

in the

manner

of a deranged cowgirl, before unceremoniously flopping

on the other log,

and

The

start

side.

Then

I'd

down

haul myself back up, face the next

over again.

team's time

was not recorded

until the slowest partici-

LINDSAYMORAN

64

pant had completed

all

of the stations and sprinted the

obstacle-free quarter mile.

As

a team,

final

we made a pact to jog to-

gether in formation over the finish line. But

consum-

Sally,

mately uncoordinated, was inevitably bringing up the tripping over her bootlaces and fighting back tears.

would

roll his eyes as

Derek

she collapsed in a red-faced heap just

inches beyond the finish line.

The

nastier

he was to her

(grumbling "whiny bitch" under his breath), the angrier at

him

hear).

(growling "arrogant ass" loud enough that

Our

rear,

dysfunctional love/hate triangle did

all

little

I

grew

could

to abet

the cohesion of the team.

The

week of PM culminated with

first

We each

lenging exercise. point,

somewhere on the

map and point,

and so on,

vast multiacre base, using a contour

until we'd located ten points in order, termi-

common

rallying spot, to be reached

started out as the

hausted.

to navigate to a different initial

compass. There, we'd find coordinates for the second

nating at a

We

had

a particularly chal-

I'd

managed

sun was

to find all

rising;

of

my

by dusk. I

was ex-

far,

but not

by noon,

points so

before getting turned around several times, having to retrace at least a

of

my

mile of steps back to one point and start that segment route

all

over again.

bumbled about

I

in

all

different

directions, talking out loud to myself. Occasionally, a deer

would take notice of me, but For hours,

I'd

I

saw no one

else.

been staving off the desire to consume

single-issue freeze-dried meal-ready-to-eat

was meant to be competitive, and

I

(MRE). The

my

exercise

knew guys like Derek, Rob,

BLOWING MY COVER and Gung-ho Ike wouldn't even think for lunch. Ultimately, though,

to eat, I'd be rejuvenated.

I

As

65

to waste time breaking

conceded that it

if I

gourmet "pasta with primavera sauce," squeezed from

tube,

its foil

would

next several hours, less I

I

revisit

took the time

turned out, the downright like toothpaste

me for the rest of the day.

burped and farted

For the

my way through count-

marshes and increasingly opaque patches of woodland. arrived at the rallying spot close to dusk, just behind

Derek.

Not

he was visibly

surprisingly,

irritated

by the prox-

imity in our times. His unabashed chauvinism was in part what inspired me,

and nothing provided

watching

his ever-confident face

whenever

I

me

greater delight than

darken into an angry sulk

succeeded. Every minor triumph represented

small retribution

on behalf of Sally,

whom

some

Derek considered

incompetent and absurd. In fact,

many trainees

didn't

all-day navigation routes.

and

come

close to completing their

One of my friends,

resolute glamour-puss,

had given up

Ophelia, a petite

early

and decided

to

map, un-

sit

by the

til

an instructor came and hauled her back to camp. Poor War-

side of the road, scowling over her contour

ren was stuck in the

woods

for hours before

he stumbled back

onto the roadway, where eventually he, too, was offered a Sally

was found close

trated

by her

to dark, half

naked

in a

swamp. Frus-

inability to find her destination, she'd inexplicably

decided to bathe. Sally wore her calamitous nature

of honor,

ride.

really,

and the two of us

later

as a

badge

laughed about her

foray into exhibitionism.

Although

CST Class C was becoming increasingly cohesive

and supportive, the competition was

intense. Perhaps the fiercest

LINDSAYMORAN

66

competitor in our Jin Suk.

class

was a Korean American

woman named

Even before our scheduled group Physical Training

(PT), which occurred at seven each morning and consisted of

anything from five-mile runs through the woods to an hour of

swimming

to the obstacle course, Jin

bathroom. She was the standard

Suk would be up

on her own or doing push-ups

a.m., jogging

silently

Army PT exam

utes of sit-ups,

four

but visibly outraged on the day of

—

a

timed two-mile run, two min-

and two minutes of push-ups

my astonishment, I managed

both her and

at

in the barrack

—when, much to

to

do more push-

ups and sit-ups than she had. From that point on,

I

became Jin

Suk's unwilling nemesis, our polar personalities simultane-

ously drawing us together and pushing us apart.

A defensive-driving course, affectionately called "Crash and Burn," comprised the next two weeks of training. day,

we were timed on

On the first

a driving route: several laps

around a

racetrack at full speed, a few back-and-forth shuttles weaving

among orange

cones, then maneuvering around the cones in

reverse as well. first

ing

I

was no

time through,

down

effectively

practically

eral "penalty

Mine was

I

stellar driver to

all

seconds" to

Daisy,"

We spent the

my

demolished the course, knock-

of the cones and thereby adding sev-

my already preposterously slow time.

the worst effort in the

name "Miss

begin with, and

class,

which caused

Jin

and earned

Suk

to fairly

next five days, from morning

ticing various evasive driving techniques

me the nick-

till

on the

beam.

night, prac-

racetrack

and

among the cone formations. Part of my problem derived from

BLOWINGMYCOVER

67

the rental cars, which were designed with back ends so high that, as a short person,

reverse.

I

"No problem,"

bly brought

up

this

had

when

difficulty seeing

the driving instructor said

when

way of explaining my

point by

performance. "All reverse driving

is

to be

drove in

I

I

fee-

miserable

done without turn-

ing around; you should just use the rearview mirror in the cen-

of your windshield."

ter

From then

on, whenever

I

shifted into reverse,

was met

I

my own frowning reflection: the bulging blue vein down the center of my forehead, the eyes boring into the mirror. It dawned on me that perhaps I was just as competitive, in my

with

way, as Jin Suk. private anguish, I

and

yet

not to say

is

I

I

me

ever

halts.

considerable

was determined to make

it

through:

fear.

ever grew comfortable taking turns at

hundred miles per hour, or screeching

ofHazzard-style

me

driving course caused

would not allow myself to be paralyzed by

Which a

The

For two weeks,

to tire-burning

Dukes

my queasy stomach had

on the verge of a mortifying public bout of puking.

During one

exercise that caused

matically enraged instructors

me

particular anxiety, dra-

would jump out of roadside hid-

ing places and bang on the hoods of our cars with large sticks.

In response,

we were supposed

to calmly reverse

and zigzag

backward through a formation of orange cones. In a near panic,

I

forgot to shift out of drive

instructor's I

and thereby rear-ended an

Saab that he'd unwisely parked in

was only mildly chastised and did not

gree of humiliation as Jin Suk,

suffer near the de-

who, normally so

and focused, somehow managed activating the air bag.

my path. self-possessed

to drive her car into a ditch,

The burn marks

it left

on her

face for

LINDSAY MORAN the next several weeks

found public

failure.

seemed

to bother her less than the pro-

Tornado

wrecking two of the rental

Sally,

cars,

meanwhile, succeeded in

but was mostly just amused by

her spastic driving record.

On the final day of the first week of Crash and Burn, we retook the driving test. My palms sweated profusely on the steering wheel as I waited for my turn. The instructor who timed us

later told

termination as

And although est, I

the

that he'd never seen such a look of de-

burned rubber out of the

I

what

the course at

me I

my time was still among the slow-

end

and

a single cone,

old beater Cadillacs and

Monte

through barriers such

and

The

Natalie

solid walls.

Wood

in Rebel

consisted of smashing

instructor

as

parked

would

ingly into the barricade.

and

I

The point was

we could collide into

still live.

parked

cars,

cars,

let fall

a

and

to

from

wooden

a flag, like

Without a Cause, and from a

the student was expected to floor the gas

indeed,

was awarded

Carlos, probably seized

dealers,

fences,

later

"Most Improved."

title

The second week of Crash and Burn drug

through

was sure was an unprecedented pace.

in the

knock down

didn't

start. I tore

standstill

drive unflinch-

demonstrate

that,

number of different obstructions

When it was my turn to launch head-on into two actually shut my eyes at the moment of impact.

I

opened them

a couple of seconds later, stunned to discover

myself alive and well, beyond the wreckage of the barricade. After four days of slamming into large stationary objects,

we were

told to prepare for a nighttime exercise.

activity that took place after dark

and

To me, any

didn't involve martinis

was ominous and unpleasant. For one thing, the whole base

BLOWING MY COVER

69

had the aura of some southern backwater where ethnic people like nightfall.

I

me might

small, slightly

get lynched or bubba-raped after

hardly looked forward to incorporating darkness

into our already harrowing demolition exercises.

That the

we convened

night,

many firing

in a large classroom near

one of

on our knowl-

ranges, ostensibly to take a test

edge of explosives, the topic of a single day's seminar

earlier

that week.

While we were completing the multiple-choice exam, a

of instructors would arrive and

trio

explosives

select a single stu-

dent to take outside. Those who returned, about twenty minutes later,

would resume

utter a word.

had

I

their tests

a

and

—

as

per instructions

—not

vague idea of what was in store when

I

caught a glimpse of Tornado Sally being blindfolded outside the door as

When folded,

I

it

it

slowly

my

was

The

I

my

When

was told

"Okay, drive on," he

structor told

the car stopped,

ing

me

to halt,

me

I

accelerated

time to mount, while the

to turn right or

he pulled

heard the

I

in the passenger's seat.

said. Still blindfolded,

my anxiety ample

me when

of one of

to slide over into the driver's seat, as

the instructor took his place next to

slowly, giving

heart was racing. Blind-

in the front passenger's seat

instructor reversed out, then drove fast

about two minutes.

doors open and

shut.

turn to go,

was positioned

the beat-up cars. for

swung

left.

Finally,

my blindfold off. We

in-

command-

had stopped

at

a makeshift "border crossing" where various instructors, dressed as

border guards, wielded weapons and enormous

Jorge, an instructor

moved toward

the

who'd spent

car,

flashlights.

his career in Latin

shined his flashlight in

my

America, eyes,

and

LINDSAY MORAN

70

demanded something of me speak or understand.

he wanted

weeks

in Spanish, a language

don't

my passport and so provided my base badge, which

earlier

we'd been told would serve as "identification in

any simulated frontier or hostage this

I

assumed, given the border motif, that

I

was a simulated

Meanwhile,

I

surmised that

I

frontier situation.

looked around frantically for some way to

cape, something through

remembered

situations."

which

might crash the

I

car.

that we'd been given a lot of instruction

keeping our wits about

us, talking our

way through

es-

Then on

I

just

difficult sit-

and avoiding any rash or unnecessary maneuvers. Just

uations,

because we'd learned

an impasse

didn't

how

to Evel Knievel our

mean we were supposed

to

do

it

way through in every situ-

ation.

This seemed to

me one of those scenarios from which I could

emerge without doing donuts or barreling through a brick wall. Jorge was haranguing

something along the

and tor

also saying

lines

of

it

was "nono-authenticatico,"

something about "narcatico." Another instruc-

was meticulously examining the front bumper and hood of

my car. I

me by this point about my "passaporto,"

Still, I

did not think the solution was to run

soon gathered

—drawing upon

gling a zip-lock bag full of dirt that this

over.

and onion weeds

in

my face

was about to become a trumped-up drug charge.

had no bribe money with

would only

invite

more

Americano diplomato!" tomer, trying to barista.

him

the fact that Jorge was dan-

me and half thought

trouble. I

I

I

such a gesture

kept repeating, "Americano.

felt like

a deranged Starbucks cus-

make my order clear to

the

uncomprehending

BLOWING MY COVER I

was told

unlock the doors so Jorge and the others could

to

from which, no big

search the cars interior,

managed

I

just

I

my

further training

in real life?

fabricated

disquieting seed

would provide

to

had been planted, and

endless fertilizer:

foreigners,

about me?

would

Or would

and desperately

CIA

Its

Am

I

really

handle myselfwhen faced with such a situation

—by armed

worse, the

than convincing.

less

myself, while something nagged at the

Confronted with damning evidence

my wits

in panic,

A

mind.

going to be able

keep

my defense was

exercise, I told

back of

surprise, they

zip-lock bags, these containing

calmly denied knowledge of the drugs.

can only assume

an

more

to unearth

white powder.

71

on

insist

chief, to rescue

Finally, Jorge either tired

I

I

—genuine

indeed be able to

crumble, blow

calling the

my sorry,

my cover

ambassador

apprehended

I

or,

ass.

of my performance or decided

objected willfully enough to suggest that

or

was neither going

I'd

to

commando through He handed me back my passport and pulled aside the wooden pony barrier to let me drive on. Later, I found out admit to smuggling nor go apoplectically the frontier.

that a few students pletely freaked as

—including

soon

Sally

and Warren

as their blindfolds

—had com-

were removed and

careened through the barricade as Jorge and the other instructors leapt

out of their path.

Once through

the "frontier,"

told to drive on. Several

I

was blindfolded again and

more minutes of sightless navigation

ended with the instructor commanding

me

to stop

and then

pulling the blindfold off my face.

This time, sac

I

formed by a

was parked (astoundingly) six-foot-tall brick wall.

in a sort

of cul-de-

A gang of masked men

LINDSAYMORAN

72

began launching themselves over

it,

landing with echoing

thumps on the hood of my car and banging on the windshield. You'd think tine

be used to the instructor-turned-banshee rou-

I'd

by now, but

Luckily, I'd

my stomach cinched tight.

remembered

and gang had checked futilely at the

and scream

macing

to lock the car doors after Jorge

for "drugs."

The masked men grabbed

door handles, continued to beat on the hood

and pressed

unintelligibly,

Observing that the car

faces against the windshield.

was surrounded on out the point of eyes fixed

all

their wild-eyed, gri-

sides except the rear,

this exercise.

on the rearview

I

quickly figured

threw the car in reverse and,

I

mirror, flew

backward

until there

was enough distance to make a three-point turn and blow dust in the air as

No

I

tore out of there.

sooner had

back over

caught

I

my eyes.

I

my

breath than the blindfold was

prayed that

we would be heading back

to

my explosives exam and I return to the barracks to collapse in my bunk. I was sore, tired,

the classroom now, that

and

stressed out

could finish

from two weeks of

sitting in a car all day,

high-speed chasing, maneuvering on two wheels, screeching to halts,

On

and craning

the one hand,

my

I felt

neck to weave among orange cones. proud, acutely aware that

were being tested and that the other hand, life?

At some

settle

was

wondered, What the

point, didn't

I

just

Monster Truck

want

hell

on the

limits

On

am I doing with my

to find a nice

gal here

guy and

would have

to

rallies for dates.

relegated these thoughts to the back of

centrated

my

rising to each occasion.

down? Drag racer/demolition

start cruising I

I

I

my mind as I

con-

task at hand, driving blindfolded through the

BLOWINGMYCOVER woods.

was told

I

as the blindfold

to stop the car again,

was

and

this time, as

commenced

thugs emerged from the darkness and

them even had an AK-47, which he shot was no longer scared so much

as

One of

off merrily into the

amused, though

I

heard that one of the trainees wet his pants.

I

figured,

must be having the time of their

occurred to me, was

who'd never

really

grown

And

up.

thought warily, might well be little

The

lives.

later

instructors,

The Farm,

game

part of an elaborate

all

now-

the

hackneyed beating of the car and shrieking obscenities.

air. I

soon

new gang of baton-brandishing

a

off,

73

for

the world of espionage,

just a global playing field

it

men I

of this

boys' game.

This time,

discerned that

I

I

was surrounded on

all

sides ex-

cept in front, where two parked sedans formed a barricade.

One

of the attackers had

somehow managed

door open, and was crawling the accelerator. Just as

I'd

in

thrust

my foot down on

all

week,

I

headed straight

for the weakest point in the barrier, the joint cars in

my path met, bumper to bumper.

through to the other through which facing forward

side,

I'd just

and

back

I

when

practiced

to get the

where the two

Sure enough,

I

broke

turning briefly to see the vehicles

smashed,

now

with their headlights

smoldering gap between them.

a large

pushed down the gas pedal

as far as

it

I

would go and barreled

through the woods, the instructor whooping alongside of me,

"You go,

Exhilarated,

girl!"

I

thought, This

but I'm actually getting good at Afterward,

I

was

the test

on

be a

silly game,

it.

told that I'd

performed appropriately and

admirably on each of the Crash and Burn I'd failed

may

explosives.

exercises,

but that

LINDSAYMORAN

74

Explosives, a topic that enthralled the

me

not interest stuffy,

in the least. All afternoon,

chemical-smelling, glass building where

to assemble

bombs out of C-4 and

watched explode spectacularly

The booming sound made me I

in the

open

must begin

here, learning

weapons of grave,

bomb,

I

if

how

we then

fields in front

I

of us.

was actually going

living overseas.

in

I

Having heard

who had succumbed

assemble and dismantle if I

were to

had no intention of disabling

which we were being I

would

to

figured the mental deteriora-

how to

not mass, destruction. Even

certainly

manner

well in advance that I

learned

my car each and every morning, which we were told

paranoia and eventual insanity,

detect a

we

a

reverberating throughout the base always

countless rumors about case officers

self in the

we occupied

Clorox, which

could hardly imagine, moreover, that

to inspect

in our class, did

uneasy.

was a necessary precaution when

tion

men

taught.

just get the hell

I

it

my-

determined

out of there.

spent the majority of our explosives seminars daydream-

ing, staring wistfully at the sultry Virginia

swampland, and

waiting for the instructor to blow up a car in the distance,

which was mildly

diversionary.

Soon we would

travel several

hours south for an entire

week's worth of explosive training. This

gatory to

me

sphere of the

except that

new

base;

instead of barracks,

I fell

we

and the

in love

would have been pur-

with the strange atmo-

got to sleep in quasi-motel rooms cafeteria ladies served

up

plentiful

BLOWING MY COVER vats

home cooking

of southern

tery biscuits

—

75

crisp fried chicken

was ungodly hot and buzzed with drink beers by the bay and

I

cicadas.

At

we would

night,

reached that spot

till I

where the dark of the sky met the black of the explosives week,

air

would swim out under the lumi-

nous moon, half wanting to keep going

During

and but-

and baked apples topped with cinnamon. The

we were

sea.

familiarized with

of biological agents, only one of which was

fit

all

kinds

for training

purposes. For a much-dreaded exercise, about which we'd

been provided troublingly scant

details in

advance

Ed mumbling something about "examining one's pain and discomfort"

—we were

to march,

backs, in a single-file line into a small

masked

I

recall

hands behind our

chamber where

gas-

instructors gaily assailed us with cans of pepper spray.

The discomfort was moaned

—

threshold for

in protest

burned red and we

intense; our eyes

and cursed. Water, we were

told,

would

only aggravate the stinging, but several people could not help themselves and ran to the bathroom to douse their faces.

wandered around blindly with

I

my knuckles burrowed into my

eye sockets, willing the pain to go away. Jin Suk dealt with the situation stoically, of course, retreating under a tree, sat cross-legged

with her eyes closed

like

where she

some kind of medi-

tating yogi.

Another explosives-week terrogation

While Traveling

alias identities

time,

we were

"Real-life

exercise

was called "Secondary In-

in Alias."

and documents, the

We

all

details

had been issued

of which, by

this

expected to have memorized.

INS

agents will be here by tomorrow,"

Ed

told us.

LINDSAYMORAN

76

"They

These guys

had

better have

your

prepared by studying the details of my

night.

I

knew

even

my alias

stories straight." alias identity

every

member of

the astrological signs of each

Like most suburban high school kids,

Some

agents,

nicest people

whom,

to

cried then, but I'd for

to

who grew combative with

mind

I

found

Sasho,

be some of the

whom I'd not seen nor spoken him

drove

I

had welled with

eyes

to

to Dulles Airport.

tears as

he scanned the

departures board for his flight back to San Francisco.

wondering

ID

training.

autumn day when

how his

recalled

curiously,

met during

I

INS brought to since that

used fake

other students had trouble

with the exercise, particularly those

INS

I'd

get into bars since the age of thirteen; "Sec-

ondary" was a breeze for me.

I

will grill the be-

family.

buy beer and

the

frontier

realistic,

They

are professionals.

jeezus outta you. Y'all I

but highly

will enact a simulated,

crossing.

sobbed the entire drive home,

whom

I

was

sorry,

him

Thinking about Sasho now was

no matter how

vivid,

seemed

all

I

hadn't

the while

or me.

painful.

Memories of him,

like recollections

up

from some-

me when

looked

body

else's life:

down

from a climb; his rugged hands firmly gripping the rope

from which

when my I

my life

suspended; his

feet finally

lips

at

brushing

as

I

missed him,

the right thing.

I

I

—

thought of how

traces,

my forehead

cables,

recesses

of my mind.

remained convinced that

training; even the relatively

quarters

I

touched the ground.

pushed these images of Sasho to the

As much

PM

Sasho's face smiling

I

had done

much I'd learned since I started mundane

stuff

classification systems

back

—

at

Head-

represented

BLOWING MY COVER a pool of

making

new knowledge

for

good impression.

a

me.

I

77

And I was

doing well so

was on the road

to

far,

becoming

a

successful spy. I

thought about

how Sasho would have complicated my life,

my

my

muddled

have done

thoughts, and thwarted

this

with him around. While

I

made me

on lies. And Sasho represented

I

I

for-

was learning to be

and to

pressed

on with

I

was starting to

me freedom, which

was well in the process of leaving behind.

think about, so

my

second-guess the course of

a machine. Sasho was inherently honest,

I

might have been able

Sasho had been so human, while

build a life

couldn't

could not have withstood Sasho himself, his

innocent questions that

my life.

I

dubious eye the Agency cast toward

to deal with the

eign boyfriend,

I

progress.

It

was painful to

my training and

let

the im-

ages of him gather dust, figuring they'd eventually fade away.

Following explosives, our reward was to return to The

Farm

for a

week of "Maritime." This was Crash and Burn, but

on sun-streaked open There were

water.

skills to

learn

—

direction, recognition of tidal

nautical distances, navigational

and storm patterns

some degree of proficiency we were supposed erating high-speed boats.

the feel of the

I

—

as well as

to achieve in op-

grasped the basics, then focused on

wind whipping through

my hair as we lacerated

waves and raced the setting sun.

At the end of each listening to

The entire

Motown thing

felt

day,

we scrubbed down

the boats while

tunes and spraying each other with hoses.

very fun and wholesome, like a Mountain

LINDSAYMORAN

78

Dew commercial. tions, I'd I

I

was glad

decided to see

this

that,

would

friends.

My fellow teammates,

an assortment of egomaniacs and

formed a close-knit I

More than anything,

thing through.

was happy to be making new

at first glance

my initial reserva-

no matter

circle

other, talk over

now

of comrades.

eat meals with

Mark and Green

freaks,

Tornado

Beret Derek, and

and past each

Sally

and good-natured

we would

all

rib

one an-

other, lean in to whisper

about

the hard-ass instructors, or strategize against other teams.

seemed more and more

While we spent days on the air.

After

noon

morning maritime up "drop

setting

focating humidity, in a

water,

activities,

sites."

we

spent nights in the

we occupied

the after-

arranged patterns of fluorescent panels flying overhead, could release

target.

One night, I was wooden

we

In clouds of mosquitoes and suf-

wide pasture so that a plane,

boxed materials on

We

like a family.

in charge of actually shoving an

—which

crate

earlier

enormous

we'd packed with cement blocks

out of the small propeller plane. As soon

as

I

recognized our

T-shaped configuration of fluorescent panels hundreds of feet below,

and

I

braced

my

back against one side of the small plane

—hoping mightily no animal below— used both that

or person was occupy-

feet to give the crate a

ing the field

vigorous

heave. I

accomplished the mission a second too

box missed the landing

power line during

on the base

its

late

site altogether. It did,

and our drop

however, hit a

descent, thereby eliminating electricity

for the next several hours.

My ineptitude,

which

BLOWING MY COVER quickly gained notoriety, was surpassed

79

some days

later

Warren nearly shot off his own foot during firearms

when

training.

ror the following week, we spent every morning on the range, firing off Beretta revolvers,

sawed-off shotguns, hunting

Browning

pistols,

AK-47s,

and weighty shoulder-

rifles,

contusion-causing submachine guns. Occasionally, an instructor

would tack atop the

Saddam Hussein

or

silhouetted target's head a photo of

Usama

bin Laden

—who may not have

been public enemy number one in 1999, but certainly was within the CIA.

Warren routinely ignored

instructions and, swinging his

loaded weapon every which way, presented a

lethal hazard

on

the range. Alarmingly, our firearms evaluation hinged not

on

hands-on performance but on a written multiple-choice and true/false

exam, administered

at the

end of the week. Warren

received the highest score.

Weapons week was followed by

five

days of hand-to-hand

combat, combined with medical training; we spent the

noons tending

to the bruises

and wounds we'd

after-

inflicted

by

beating the crap out of each other earlier that day. I

proved hopeless

left-handed people,

matched

at

hand-to-hand combat. As the only two

my

friend Ethan

as adversaries. Pitted against

couldn't bring ourselves to cles,

maul and

occasionally ejecting one

arm

The "hand-to-hand combat

and

I

were consistently

each other, Ethan and kick.

We

danced

I

in cir-

in a spastic, ineffectual jab.

consultant," flown in from

LINDSAY MORAN Arkansas, lavishly extolled Jin Suk

when

she nearly fractured

him

in the shin while de-

the leg of a fellow trainee by punting

livering a diversionary wallop to the underside

During

PM

hardly missed

training,

home at all.

The Farm. The

my teammates

I

was surprised

Increasingly,

relationships

and our

I

to discover that

I

my life revolved around

thought about were those with

The

instructors.

days followed a

morning PT, bacon and eggs

forting pattern:

of his jaw.

at the

com-

mess

hall,

three to four hours of practical training, a sandwich for lunch,

afternoon activity (usually outside), fried chicken or macaroni casserole for dinner, evening exercise

an occasional

free night to

—

and,

if

we were

lucky,

drink beers and play darts at the

base bar. Every night, just before collapsing exhausted into our

bunks,

and

we checked one another thoroughly for

ticks, chiggers,

lice.

The

near-constant activity saved

me from

worrying about

my real life: my family's seeming doubt in my ability to succeed within the Agency; the failing health of my one surviving grandmother, whom I never had time to anything relevant to

anymore; and the

was approaching

thirty with-

out a boyfriend, sequestered in the equivalent of a

maximum-

visit

security penal colony.

fact that

I

I

soothed myself by thinking of

training as a kind of intense adult

and eventually leave

I

succeeded

—

so

summer camp

much

so that

I

PM

experience,

was loath

to

The Farm.

One weekend, we were bussed back to Washington for a few days of R&R. I was idle and restless at my mother's house,

BLOWING MY COVER

8

1

confined and nearly claustrophobic in the shopping mall, and inordinately annoyed by

ban

or the dizzying array of beverage choices at Star-

traffic

bucks.

things such as standard subur-

little

Most of my

friends "on the outside"

had given up on

trying to get in touch with me, so even the forty-eight hours

back in society seemed lonely and purposeless. portunity to launder

my army fatigues

took the op-

I

my boots in

and polish

preparation for two weeks of "jump camp."

As

trainees,

virtually

we were not

none of the

our future

required to jump. Truth be told,

PM training was relevant to the reality of

careers. In actuality,

traipsing through the

we would have little

reason to be

woods with nothing other than

a

compass

or doing donuts and wheelies in our diplomat-plated vehicles.

Jumping out of airplanes represented perhaps tuitous exercise. first

It

overseas posts via airdrop, like

Brigade.

A

few of the guys

but the

most

some kind of Flying

gra-

rest

Elvis

— Rob Gung-ho — might end up Opthe ex-cop,

and former Green Beret Derek erations,

the

wasn't as if we were going to arrive for our

Ike,

in Special

of us would be working desk jobs by day,

trolling the diplomatic cocktail circuit

by

night.

Jumping, we

recognized, was primarily intended to build our confidence.

Derek was already Airborne Qualified, and thus but the

rest

of us were mostly scared

shitless,

indifferent,

though we hid

with varying degrees of bravado. Before actually jumping,

would spend drop, and

a

week preparing,

roll");

gathering up

how

to

run

learning:

how

it

we

to land ("stop,

in a serpentine,

immediately

the parachute so as not to be dragged across the

ground by the wind; and what wire, or tree landing.

to

do

in the event

of a water,

LINDSAY MORAN

82

The our

consumed

latter

first

We

jump.

my psyche

during the days preceding

would spend mealtimes discussing which

of these three represented the biggest misfortune. Most people

thought that a water landing would not be so bad: All you had to

do was shed your combat boots and pack, and

fill

part of

the chute with air to use as a flotation device.

"As an alternative to reinflating the parachute," an instructor assured us,

To do

so,

tie

open waist

—

its

the while remaining clear-

all

frantically treading cold, brackish water.

practical application

swimming

pants, tie each leg at

by swinging the pants above your head, and

air

off the

headed and

craft a trouser floatie."

you would remove your

hem, capture then

"you can

pool,

I

of this

skill,

which took place

During

in the base

did not see one person succeed in making

an adequate trouser

floatie.

I

decided that a water landing

would be almost the worst of all

possibilities,

defective parachute that did not

open

To become Airborne

Qualified,

at

second only to a

all.

we each had

to

perform

five

jumps, including one "equipment jump." The equipment

jump

entailed attaching a seventy-pound military-style pack

to the front of the

jumper s

was to uncouple from

his

legs that,

body and

he couldn't manage to get the pack

during the descent, he

let

drop

off,

to the ground. If

he'd land with

it still

attached, likely breaking both legs.

As the

instructors read out the supposedly

which we would jump, a

when

Warren's

collective gasp rose

name was

thought he was a

total fool,

increased their collective

called

and

ire.

his

first.

The

random order

in

from the crowd

PM

instructors

Harvard pedigree had only

During jump week, Warren un-

BLOWINGMYCOVER

83

—howling

nerved everyone with his unfettered fear

in terror

each time he had to leap, albeit attached to Peter Pan-style cables, it

from the thirty-foot-high training tower.

I

was pretty sure

was no accident that he was our designated pioneer of the

The plane could each

flight,

carry

the pilot

up

During

to nine students at a time.

would make

sky.

three passes over the landing

zone and students would be pushed out in rounds of

three.

The

rest

was a

clear

and beautiful day with only

of us assembled to watch from the ground.

the baby-blue sky.

we saw

sudden,

plane, a chute

ground.

The

My heart

a few white clouds streaking

surged with pride when,

a small khaki-colored blob

pop open, and Warren

rest

of

us,

It

even those

of a

tumble out of the gracefully to the

sail

who

all

probably held him in

private disdain, erupted in cheers.

From my team of nine, right after Derek,

who

I

was the second

earlier

to be

had cautioned

me

shoved out, not to

Perched in the open doorway of the Twin Otter

hands braced and ready to go, unprepared

I

was

regret: that there

to die.

find

tragedy.

matter

I

I

all I

I

briefly

wondered

my spinster status

random and

parents,

if the funeral

how

pathetic

to

mourn

attendees

an added element of the overall

also conjectured as to

my

aircraft,

could think about was

experienced a

would be no bereaved boyfriend

me upon my death. would

"steal

on the way down.

his air"

how

would explain

my

the CIA, and for that

demise

—

the result of

jumping out of an airplane over an undisclosed location

when everyone thought

I

was doing administrative work

at

some government annex.

The

land looked as land does from above: inauthentic,

LINDSAYMORAN

84

patchwork, limitless

—

cance. In the distance in

which

I

hoped

worry about

to

my

me

insignifi-

could see the bay, a vast span of blue,

however,

it,

and then shoved

Much

I

wouldn't land.

I

own

a gentle hint at one's

didn't have

I

much

jumpmaster shouted "GO!"

as the

out of the plane.

relief,

my chute

canopy spread out above

me

opened. As soon

like

as

I

Enveloped by the

freedom. Suddenly,

I

still

and

silent air,

knew I would be

Being one of the lighter jumpers, pace than the others. As

we

saw the

an enormous umbrella,

calmly grasped the toggles and began maneuvering scent.

time to

I

I

felt

my

I

de-

overcome with

okay.

descended

neared the landing

at a

site,

slower

Wolf, a

Vietnam veteran and former paratrooper who bore an uncanny resemblance to Willie Nelson, roared through a megaphone

from below, "More

you big dummy!"

My first When

it

"Steer,

you big dummy!" "Knees

you big dummy!"

I

think

my legs.

I

for the I

equipment jump,

would have

as

I

had a vague premonition

yanked on the

tail

my initial

terror

preferred to die rather than

trouble releasing the pack. Sure enough, fall,

bent,

four jumps, though exhilarating, were uneventful.

came time

resurfaced.

break

to the right,

that there

would be

midway through my

of twine that was supposed to

dis-

engage the pack, the knot merely tightened. The seventy-pound

my left leg like an anchor. "Oh, Lord, don't let me break my leg," I said out loud, and felt guilty about my sudden religious conviction, especially

pack remained dangling from

given that

—

all

things considered

be such a big deal.

I

suppose

an injury that would get in

that,

—

a fractured limb wouldn't

more than anything,

I

feared

the way of the rest of my training.

BLOWING MY COVER I

knew

that

I

would need

to heal, while I

my friends

ambulatory for the

to be at least

tradecraft course; the idea of being sent

85

back to Headquarters

and peers moved on, was more than

could bear. I

yanked harder, merely causing the knot

at this point, the

wave.

Then

ground loomed toward

a rush of adrenaline

some kind of superhuman

to cinch tighter;

me

like

an opaque

must have endowed me with Momentarily

strength.

used both hands to snap the twine.

releasing

The pack

the toggles,

I

plummeted

to the ground, landing with an impressive

and a small cloud of vering

dust.

I

my way toward Wolf, who by this time was hoarse from

shouting over and over, "C'mon, you big

The

thud

immediately focused on maneu-

final

two weeks involved an

to incorporate everything

mary mission was

to

would have

a

exercise that

was supposed

we had learned during PM. Our pri-

conduct an

American hostages from

dummy!"

"exfiltration"

of a group of

We

were told we

hostile territory.

number of auxiliary

missions en route.

"A helicopter will drop each group

at a different undisclosed

location," Ed, standing at the front of a classroom, briefed us. "Y'all've

hostages,

got five days to reach the

and make

it

back to

this

shelters

point, rescue the

room, which

your headquarters. During that time,

woods and constructing

exfil

you'll

will serve as

be sleeping in the

with what materials you have

on your person." Warren looked notes.

panic-stricken; Jin

Suk was

eagerly taking

LINDSAYMORAN

86

"You should expect

at least

one water-based element of

your journey," Ed went on. "Each student

will

be provided an

AK-47 and several blank rounds, should you encounter hostile forces en route."

Ethan glanced

mouthed, "For

As a group, we to

me from

at

also received

communicate with and

headquarters

—

across the

up

from

receive intermittent orders

couple of contour maps and a sin-

as well as a

MREs, which would set

silently

two ancient handheld radios

We

gle global positioning system device.

we would

room and

faaaaack's sake ..."

packed

crates

of

be delivered to us via plane in drop zones

ourselves

and whose location we would com-

municate, in code, to headquarters.

Ed delivered his final words of caution: "You are expected to traverse in

some

clandestine

on one of the open any other groups.

roads.

manner through

You

And you

are not to

pounding

one evening under

Our group of nine was

rain.

communicate with

are not to get caught!"

We commenced our operation less,

the woods, never

taken up

a relent-

first

helicopter, flown to

the opposite end of the enormous

and dumped

as far as

in

what

I

could

tell

pond of goop, our

dress uniforms (camouflage pants

and

We would

base,

was quicksand. Once

we'd managed to crawl out of the

through, weighted

in the

jackets)

battle-

were soaked

down by mud.

hiked until

we

reached an area that seemed as

if it

drop zone. There we placed

fluo-

serve as an adequate

rescent panels in formation. Later,

coordinates of our

site to

we would convey

the geo-

headquarters and, sometime the

BLOWINGMYCOVER would

following evening, a plane

fly

87

overhead and deliver us

the prepacked crate of MREs. In the meantime, nearly every-

one had stashed

at least

During our months

Derek and

Sally

my

at

each other's throat, and

tendency to rush to

fly-fishing, his "real life"

one got along for the most degree of skills,

had formed.

Sally's defense.

people with his know-it-all demeanor and

irritate

rambling sagas of

bar.

together, certain alliances

were constantly

Derek was vexed by

Mark could

an apple or a granola

part, and,

hobby. But every-

no matter our varying

we had bonded.

Our camaraderie proved critical once way. That night,

we were

the mission got under

intermittently terrorized by the ap-

pearance of huge camouflage-covered trucks, each one

with machine-gun-wielding "rebels" who,

would shoot wildly

into the air

if

filled

they spotted us,

and sometimes chase us deep

within the woods.

Our

first

food drop never arrived, an error that we

discovered was the result of Derek

and

his consternation

—

—much

later

our surprise

to

miscalculating the coordinates of the

drop zone. Disappointed that food was not forthcoming, we erected makeshift shelters with our ponchos

and took turns

sleeping while at least two sentries stayed awake, the enemy. All night

we could

on

alert for

random shooting and

hear

ex-

plosions reverberating throughout the base.

In the morning, receive a sibility,

we were

coded message. At but

when

to check in with headquarters to

first

Sally

she garbled the

had taken on

first

message

this

—

respon-

constantly

consulting the slip of paper that contained the code key, and

LINDSAY MORAN recontacting headquarters six times the radio from her and handed I

— Derek

finally

wrested

to me.

it

determined from the message that we were to press on

ward

on the opposite

a location

side of base,

to-

from which we

would

be given further directions. After several hours of hoof-

ing

through the woods and another few run-ins with the

it

gun-toting rebels,

we came

to a small clearing in

which had

been stationed two deflated, overturned Zodiac boats. affixed to the underside of

structed us to tuary,

row to

one of these thick rubber boats

a spot several miles

where we would

A note

down

the

in-

swampy es-

find the group of American hostages to

be rescued.

The

of the boats was

inflation

the assumption that

we

left to Sally

and me, under

couldn't possibly screw

it

up. Sally

held out the floppy rubber like a blanket to be folded, while

I

pump that Derek had had the foresight pack. As much as I outwardly reviled him, I

operated a handheld to include in his

had

admit there was no other trainee

to

team. Indeed, he seemed always to

I'd

rather have

know what

to do,

on

my

and

to

think of precautions and consequences that never would've

occurred to the

We

rest

split into

paddles.

Upon

circles like the

of us.

two groups and each took a Zodiac and four

first

attempts to row forward, our boat spun in

teacup ride at Disneyland. Derek suggested that

one of us use a paddle

as a rudder,

took up the rudder position and,

while the others sculled.

after

much maddening

I

ex-

perimentation, finally got us moving slowly in the right direction. It

dawned on me

during Maritime.

that

I

should have paid more attention

BLOWING MY COVER

We rowed and rowed along this

flat

marshland-surrounded

buzzed and snapped above the water,

tributary. Dragonflies

and occasionally a heron would swoop down from overhead. felt like

Hours two

later, just as

men

we were nearing our destination,

I

noticed

hiding in the brush atop a riverside crag. Their faces

were painted a motley camouflage of green and black, of ours.

I

a guerrilla.

as

were

all

One of the men regarded us through a set of binoculars.

"Don't look now,"

I

whispered to Mark, paddling next to

me, "but we're being watched."

We

stopped rowing and waited for the second Zodiac to

catch up.

Sally,

meanwhile, was shouting out remarks about

every form of wildlife she observed

Did you

see that fish?!

river guide.

side ours,

wait

I

I

shushed

mouthed

on the

and

her,

to

riverbank.

Derek I

as the

at the

some overzealous

other boat drew up be-

that there

were enemies lying in

down

for an

ambush

us,

as

am-

the river instead of dis-

predesignated spot. Derek insisted

go on with the mission "If they

like

was sure we were headed

bush, and wanted to continue

embarking

Oh, look at the birdies!

—

Ewwiv, a snake!

we must

planned.

open

fire,"

he

said.

Sure enough, just after we'd finished hauling the Zodiacs

out of the

muck and onto

battle cry.

The

hair

on

the shore,

someone

my arms jumped

to attention,

nine of us scrambled to ready our weapons. sick sense of nervousness that

and Indians. Because guns,

I'd

my

I

out a hideous

let

I

felt

and the

that

same

did as a kid playing cowboys

mother wouldn't

let

us have toy

always been one of the insufficiently armed Indians,

lamely awaiting capture or some other unfortunate

fate.

LINDSAY MORAN

90

Within seconds, we were the brush.

I

all

shooting randomly through

was amazed by the immediate and

collective sus-

pension of disbelief. Focused on nothing other than emptying each successive round, a real battle,

I

I

was fighting

am pretty sure at least half,

have perished in friendly

The shoot-out was instructors

for

and base

my life. Had if not all,

been

it

of us would

fire.

followed by an eerie calm. staff

posing

as

I

figured the

our enemies had three

other groups to terrorize and hadn't wanted to waste

energy and ammunition on

us. I sat

on the ground

their

all

to catch

my breath. "I

think they're gone,"

ticed, "I

sure.

was lying on

said to Derek,

He

rolled over

Tornado looking

Sally

onto

and

his

I

suddenly no-

—

I

was

swift,

im-

in spite of himself,

back and leapt in one

movement

off the ground.

emerged from behind a small plot of

as if she'd just

dirt

who,

about a foot away from me.

think you're right," he said

pressively acrobatic

with

I

his belly

survived a plane crash; face

hair askew, she began

looking for her

smudged

wandering around in a

ammo

which

semidisoriented

state,

dropped

onset of the melee. Derek suggested

at the

group and move on to a

reeds,

safe location

belt,

where

I

she'd

we

re-

could contact

headquarters.

Our

next instruction was to traverse by night over

more miles of hostile

many

territory, to find a shelter serving as base

for a suspected terrorist cell.

Once

there,

we were

to infiltrate

BLOWINGMYCOVER the premises and collect as ligence," as

We

we

much

91

detailed information, "intel-

could.

were exhausted, but we knew there was no choice but

to press on.

make

That day we managed, somewhat miraculously,

the entire leg of the trip undetected by the bad guys,

though we could hear them patrolling the roads with noisy

Mack

their

trucks, engaging the other groups in firefights.

more hours of hiking, we came upon

After several

woods with

in the

a light

on

Our

inside.

this shack, clearly the terrorists' base,

a shack

reconnaissance of

was comical

at best

—

nine of us huddled behind a wall to whose other side all

quickly scuttled

and

I

We

must have looked

like the

Derek appreciated

it

wood.

such

tactics

the

we

when someone thought he saw movement

don't think

in the

to al-

brought him back to

Keystone Kops,

when

his days

I

asked whether

with the Special

Forces. Finally, the "terrorists"

cents,

"We go

shouted out in forced foreign ac-

now!" before evacuating their base. Once they

were out of sight, we skulked forward, stumbling into one another in the darkness and cursing in stage whispers.

The shack

appeared for the most part empty, until Sally shrieked delightedly that she had found a trapdoor leading to a basement. Sure

enough, the basement was chock-full of terrorist wares: Arabic magazines and newspapers; some materials that by

knew could be used ern nudie mags.

The

to

make bombs;

now we

playing cards and West-

jackpot!

We all set about My task—given that

feverishly jotting

down our

none of us knew how

findings.

to operate the

LINDSAY MORAN

92

high-tech digital camera with which we'd been furnished

was to hand-draw the

wood

simple

ington's house,

labeling

it

"compound."

terrorists'

me

cabin that reminded

sketched a

I

of young George Wash-

and added a long arrow pointing

to the floor,

As the others bustled around the

"trapdoor."

base-

ment, the situation suddenly seemed ripe for an ambush, and sure

enough

—within

seconds,

I

saw the

of a convoy

lights

truck creeping across the grass. I

readied

my weapon

uneven curtain,

like the

and positioned myself behind the maniacal grandma from The Beverly

Hillbillies.

A man I'd never seen before, cradling what appeared to be a broken arm in a muslin

sling,

emerged from the truck and ap-

proached the cabin. Should I shoot him?

I

was

at

once ashamed

of myself for the barbaric impulse. "I'm hurt; there are people hurt!" the I

yelled

down

to the others,

from the basement,

I

man

called.

and once they'd

all

scurried

up

my weapon

opened the front door,

poised.

"We're American missionaries," the lawn.

"Our plane crashed

man

in the field.

cried

from the

Several people are

injured." I

immediately smelled the point of the next

plementation of the medical training

enough, the wounded

man

niently acquired truck, to an

we had

exercise:

im-

received. Sure

transported us, via his conve-

open

field in

which

lay the gut-

ted remains of a large passenger plane and, next to the plane, clusters

of wounded persons with varying degrees of injury.

was impressed with both the props and the

actors.

I

BLOWING MY COVER

93

radioed into headquarters and was told that a helicopter

I

would be

arriving shortly.

"The potpie can only added

cryptically,

preted this

port no

feed five," the voice

on the other end

abandoning our agreed-upon code.

comment

more than

mean

to

five

I

inter-

that the helicopter could trans-

of the wounded.

Derek agreed with me: "The

have to remain in the

rest will

field."

"Gee,

I

wonder what

said, his voice thick

the point of this exercise

is?!"

Mark

with sarcasm and fatigue.

"Yeah. If they wanted to teach us about prioritizing people

by

Derek grumbled, glancing

their relative value,"

at Sally,

"they should have cut half the idiots from this program the first

week."

After a quick divvying

ing the

wounded

helicopter.

I

to

up of duties,

determine

recognized

who

I

set

about interview-

should get a spot on the

some of the base personnel who

obvi-

ously had been shanghaied into festering in this mosquito-

plagued and tick-infested

field for

hours on end, moaning

about imagined injuries and being manhandled by frantic

and by ily

—groups of

this time, foul-smelling

decided that the cafeteria

sausage

lady,

and bacon with my

among

I

arbitrar-

who always let me have both

eggs in the morning, certainly

ought to be saved. The others overruled covered that one

trainees.

the

me when

it

was

dis-

wounded was an "American

ambassador."

"We've got to save the ambo," Tornado Sally

said.

"Or

we'll

be in hot water for sure."

"Any victims whose

injuries are life-threateningly severe

LINDSAYMORAN

94

should be

left to die,"

or supplies to tend to

Derek added. "We all

of the wounded."

When the helicopter arrived, we began deemed

persons

proportions, as

salvageable.

we

to transport the five

was a calamity of tragicomic

It

exacerbated the victims' pain and suffering

with our bumbling per.

don't have the time

efforts to

lift

and carry them

The "American ambassador,"

in fact

to the chop-

one of the base cus-

todians, acted out his exalted role with flourish

and passion,

moaning with every move we made and grumbling about "when the

Once

secretary of state hears about this!"

the chopper

had

lifted off the

with windswept hair and muddied

ground, leaving us

faces, the

remaining

all

vic-

tims broke character long enough to shoo us out of the area.

The

next group of students was on

The

cafeteria lady

its

way.

was removing her bandages and

downed

tioning herself by the "smoldering" fuselage of the plane. fore

discreetly

I

we

waved

and she waved back,

just be-

crossed into the woods.

As we continued to

to her,

reposi-

to trudge through the forest, the

peek through the

trees

Before setting up camp,

sun began

and our minds moved toward I

sleep.

radioed into headquarters again.

I

could almost hear the perverse glee in the instructor's voice on the other end: "We've got one

gave

me

rumored

more mission for you." In code, he

the coordinates of an

"enemy pharmaceutical

to contain materials for

We were

to locate the

weapons of mass destruction."

camp and conduct nighttime

naissance, perhaps even infiltration, descriptions,

plant,

and return with

and photos. In addition

recon-

sketches,

to the high-tech digital

camera, each group had been equipped with two pairs of night-

BLOWING MY COVER vision goggles, which, for

some

95

reason, our

group had yet to

employ.

By

we were

this time,

rank and

all

tired,

not to mention

running short on food. We'd experienced only one successful

MRE airdrop

and we had eaten

all

of them, except for a few

safeguarded peanut butter packs, industrial-strength saltines,

and Tootsie

Rolls.

formly cranky.

I

Aside from being famished,

we were

was pretty sure that Derek and

either kill each other or

end up sleeping

Sally

uni-

would

together, their ani-

mosity had reached such a fervent and passionate pitch. It

was decided that Mark and I would conduct the

mission in the middle of the night.

some degree of

I

had a few hours

blissfully sleeping

Later,

recon

to acquire

proficiency with the digital camera, and so

spent the evening taking pictures of my

woods

first

own

feet

and of Sally,

under a poncho suspended from a branch.

Mark and

I

tromped not so

—he smoking one of

stealthily

through the

contraband cigarettes and

his

me

lumbering awkwardly under the jumbled load of equipment.

Our

faces painted for battle,

gles,

whose

effect

we

sported the night-vision gog-

was more disorienting than enabling, causing

us to plunge into small ditches

and run head-on into

large trees.

When we heard the roar of an approaching truck, Mark and I

dove into a roadside ravine.

storm-truncated

muddy ground

tree,

nearly impaled myself

while he landed with a

last several

on our stomachs,

by

a

the

someone

air.

meters before our destination,

side

on

thump on

alongside me. As the truck passed,

shot a few rounds into the

For the

I

side, until

perimeter of the industrial plant.

we

we slithered

reached the barbed-wire

The compound contained

LINDSAYMORAN

96

three buildings, one

which I

sat

chopper, and a huge truck in

managed to draw most of the buildings and take several phowith the

tos

downed

two brutish-looking guards.

ter to

digital

determine

if

camera, while

other means of breaking

"Nada/"1sAark said

Mark

surveyed the perime-

was an opening

there

when he

returned from his crawl-about to

me. As we lay

wondering what should be our next move, static

the other end. "Oh, shit!"

He

The

we

and hightailed

feet

it

volume or change the

guards perked up at once. as

Mark and

I

me around

back through the woods. This time

the neck as

I

whose

once.

It

I

was

afraid, exhilarated,

were

still

ample,

I

could

feel

standing,

Sally's

surrounded

all

at

— —remained

and some remnants of occupancy

around the campsite. But there was not a person

Six armed,

—

Mark and

were gone. The makeshift tents

purple jog bra, drying on a branch

That was soon

my heart

and exhausted

did not take great powers of observation for

to realize that the others

strap

raced after Mark.

When we arrived back at the campsite, pounding.

They

clambered to

didn't bother with the night-vision goggles,

garroted

me

handheld radio

and then angry shouting from

were dismounting from the truck our

his

there,

rolled over to muffle the noise;

obviously, he'd forgotten to lower the

frequency on his radio.

any

in.

and collapsed on the ground next

suddenly sputtered with

in the fence or

for ex-

in sight.

to change.

masked men came crashing from the wood and

us.

Mark and

I

jumped

back,

slamming

ricocheting off of each other like colliding billiards.

into

and

BLOWINGMYCOVER

97

"Drop your weapons!" one of the men shouted,

demand

a

Two

with which neither of us wasted any time in complying.

of the other I

this

men

panicky

felt

was

all

threw pillowcases over our heads.

part of the game.

before being hurled into

ognized

—by

as the rest

Sightless,

once, and struggled to remind myself that

at

We were marched several meters

some kind of cavern, amid what

the pungent

rec-

I

body odor and subdued grumbling

of our team. The cavern,

it

turns out, was the back

of a truck.

We'd

all

anticipated our eventual "capture"

I

was frightened nonetheless. As the

training

POW experience

was scripted to culminate with a simulated but

— PM

truck's

engine rumbled

I my Emma and Emily, I imagined, would be slurping mar-

had an

into operation, friends.

arbitrary, yet intense, desire to see

garitas at Tortilla Flats in the East Village right

about now, or

perhaps they'd headed out to Brighton Beach

we

fore,

drinking vodka and eating small salty

restaurant

What in

We and

by the

sea.

Why am

my

fro across the gritty metal truck bed.

I

stashed the disk in

my pocket.

thought.

backside sliding to

fumbled

I

turf.

my boot and

Finally, the truck

flung open, and

muddy

I

had beRussian

the hell am I doing here?

the disk from the digital camera and to tear

in

all

I not with them?

careened blindly over potholes,

tiny bits.

as

fish at a

we were

skidded to a

deposited,

still

I

remove

my sketches

into

the scraps of paper halt, its

back doors

blind, onto

Tinny Balkan music blared over

Good Lord,

to

some

a loudspeaker.

thought. Where are we?

For the next hour or

so,

we were made

to

march

single-file

LINDSAY MORAN

98

up and down

and

hills

in circles, with

both hands on the

pil-

lowcase of the person in front of us. All the while, unfamiliar

male voices bellowed

at us to tighten the pillowcase

the neck of whomever

we followed.

was quickly kicked or

tripped, he

If anyone

abuse,

and

I

would

be.

I

I

At one

inviting

air,

thought grimly that though

simulation was coming,

slowed down, or

rifle-butted.

heard Sally choking and gasping for

I'd

was unprepared

damn

I

this

how

POW

realistic it

struggled to loosen the pillowcase, thus singling

some

colorful verbal invective:

my legs,

"Move

cou-

you god-

it,

sloth!"

Finally,

we were led to

a dark but

pillowcases were removed,

teams

point,

immediate

known

for

myself out for a few swift kicks to the backs of pled with

around

sitting

subdued and

unsettling that

silent

member of the

base

sunny

of the cafeteria

lady,

bility that

ble that

perhaps

enemy

entire cadre

on the concrete

three other

floor. It

none of our captors was recognizable

structor or face

roomy chamber where our

and where we found the

this

staff. I

was not an

of instructors and

in-

for the

briefly considered the possi-

exercise at

all.

Was

had taken over The Farm and

forces

an

as

Looking around

was

it

possi-

killed the

staff?

We were told to sit up straight while our arms were tied behind our backs.

One

guard

commanded

us to keep silent just

before he and the rest of the guards filed out, leaving us behind

on the dank As soon

concrete.

as the

smirked bravely

"bad guys" were gone, we looked around and at

one another. We'd been warned that no

matter what happened,

we were

to stick

by our cover

stories,

BLOWING MY COVER not reveal that

we were "CIA."

I'm sure

99

we were convincing as

war-painted, camouflage-clad, gun-toting "tourists," carrying night- vision goggles

and

who

digital cameras,

to be vacationing near a top secret nuclear

just

arms

happened

facility.

Mark and I were among the first called out for interrogation. So was poor Ethan,

on

whom

I'd

not seen in days, since he wasn't

my team. He looked ashen and panic-stricken as the guards

dragged him and Ophelia up off their

Ophelia appeared merely

tired

Unlike Ethan,

feet.

and pissed

off.

Scowling

at the

guard yanking on her comically large battle-dress uniform top, she defiantly took a

The

moment

to straighten her hair.

guards redistributed pillowcases over our heads before

pushing the four of us out the barely cracked door. After more

awkward and

aimless marching around,

I

was led into a

trailer,

my pillowcase was removed, and I was shoved before a man whom I assumed to be the interrogator. An anemic-looking guy with the

face of a ferret,

he was flanked by two other

armed guards.

"Name?" I

answered.

The

interrogator grinned

Miss Mosby." mustache.

He

"What and

At long

story.

are you

—about

alias.

"Okay,

doing here?"

again,

last,

I

grilled

me, asking the same ques-

stuck by the preposterous "tourist"

the interrogator produced

in barely legible scrawl that

Mark

my

leaned forward and twirled one end of his

While the interrogator tions again

upon hearing

some notes

was unmistakably the work of

the pharmaceutical plant-cum-nuclear

facility.

LINDSAYMORAN

700

"We found caught with."

The

me meticulously, "I don't it

interrogator arranged the notes in front of

as if he

We

were putting together a jigsaw puzzle.

know anything about that,"

was an interesting both knew

it

eyes narrowed,

tor's

you were

these in the pocket of that big fellow

site, like

a

I

"We just thought

said.

museum

or something."

was a feeble explanation. The interroga-

and he

said,

"Your friend

Mark

is

telling

us something very different." I

knew Mark wouldn't have

This,

it

ratted us out, so

emerged, was a momentous offense.

me off my much hurt as

lunged forward and knocked right myself,

than a

I

little bit

Mercifully,

I

was not so

I

just chuckled.

One of the guards

chair. Struggling to

shocked, and more

humiliated.

was then returned

the rest of my classmates were

to the concrete grotto

where

now marching in a circle, shoutam a coward!

ing out over the thunderous Serbian folk music, "I I

am

a coward!"

ment

Three guards provided aggressive encourage-

to the parade in the

frequent rifle-butt jabs. ately

upon

my arrival,

form of

theatrical screeching

The pageant

and

I

was told

and

halted almost immedi-

to stand in the

middle of

the room.

"You all

see this

woman?!"

of you! She told us the

a guard shouted. "She just betrayed

—

real story

that you're

working

for

the CIA." I felt

own

my face flush and resisted the impulse to cry out in my

defense. Surely the others

would know

I

wasn't a traitor.

I

certainly would not have capitulated after a single interrogation! Just then,

Ophelia, Ethan, and

was publicly accused of

Mark were

treachery, exactly as

I

returned.

Each

had been, and

BLOWING MY COVER then the four of us were

and

made to stand in were

eat cookies, while the others

the traitors."

I

wondered

the cookies, but

When

I

if I

was famished and they tasted very good.

more hours, wordlessly

music and intermittent

made

to stand

on one

I

we were

There we

al-

sat in si-

tolerating the horrid folk

and the

or another student

rest

of us were yelled

do

foot for several minutes, or

push-ups, or parade around in

own

floor.

when one

sieges

called out for interrogation

or

room

to "heckle

to defiantly refuse

the captors had wearied of this game,

lence for

at,

the center of the

commanded

was supposed

lowed to return to our spots on the

was

101

circles,

loudly attesting to our

idiocy or cowardice.

was

dozen interrogations,

called out for at least half a

were Ethan, Mark, and Ophelia. lengths to

which the Agency had gone

harsh reality of a prison camp;

And

been employed.

it

this staff

in order to re-create the

seemed a whole new

structors; these guys

were downright mean.

might be dangerous

to look

thy, or

I

made

one of them

even reservation. this

More than was

still

I

game.

in-

perceived that

some

anything,

just a

by our

in the eye,

a quick study of a face for

any indication that

staff had

showed no indication of the

friendly sort of contrived antagonism maintained

sionally

as

could scarcely believe the

I

I

it

but occa-

sign of empa-

was looking

Little

by

little,

for

my

confidence began to waver.

At one the

air,

point, as

shouting,

dient classmate

"I

we were

am

circling

named Ted

more of

in

and obe-

tried to enact a revolt.

"There's only a few of them," us. Let's

around with our arms

a loser," a generally reserved

charge them.

Ted shouted suddenly. "There's Let's go!"

LINDSAYMORAN

102

The

rest

of us stood there mutely

guards and hauled out, screaming, as

he tried to

was embarrassed

clear, as

Ted was

"Come on,

for the

upon by the Help me!"

guys!

pared to rebel just

yet.

No

was disheartening,

whole

proved by our collective

lot

of us.

inertia, that

It

was painfully

had calculated

pre-

matter that the line between reality blurred,

would end soon enough and

figured the exercise

to say the

nobody was

and make-believe was becoming increasingly

let out. I

set

resist.

Ted's failure to rally the troops least. I

as

that

it

we

still

that we'd be

was probably Monday when we

were captured, and we had to be released by Friday, because

PM

the

course was scheduled to end and

them

families waiting for

at

some students had

home.

Several hours into our captivity, the guards returned with

the pillowcases. "Put these on,

women from

the

Minutes cell

later,

the size of a

the

you

pussies!"

They

men, and we were herded

separated

outside.

thirteen girls jostled for space in a concrete

broom

closet. "Stay standing!"

one guard

shouted right before he wrenched shut an iron door whose devastating sound, as he turned the lock from the outside,

made my heart As soon

freeze.

as the

guard disappeared,

cases so

we

women

in the darkness.

at least

the ground to

sit

—heavy thumps

pulled up our pillow-

could make out the shapes of the other

We

or squat.

ing

we

groped around to find spots on

When we

heard the guard return-

across the gravel outside

—we

all

scram-

bled to our feet and quickly repositioned our pillowcases.

was struck by what tivity

little

time

it

I

took for the conditions of cap-

to victimize our normally strong

wills.

BLOWINGMYCOVER The

103

woman

next wave of interrogations commenced. Each

was called out

and some of us

at least once,

Every once in while, a few of us would be

some kind of humiliating

part in

several times.

summoned

to take

performed

exercise,

for

an audience of smugly spellbound male guards. They made us maintain a squatting position until

mud

crawl through the

floor,

and run around the camp blindly

industrial-strength hose,

most

effective

which

that the guards clearly supposed

was one

I

grew

actually

I

stopped by to I

to like.

would be

"Going

to the

to a chain-link barrier,

assumed encompassed the circumference of the prison

camp. There, you were pretty

nose.

air.

meant you were handcuffed

fence"

on the

collapsed

while being sprayed with an

while machine guns were fired in the

The punishment

we

spit

much

on you or dangle

ignored, unless a captor a cookie in front of your

found myself "fenced" quite frequently during our

— "due

captivity

Meanwhile,

I

to failure to cooperate,"

derived a certain

I

was

told.

amount of both

pleasure

and

my captors did not me. No matter the awk-

inner determination from knowing what that the fence represented a respite to

wardness and immobility, and not to mention the swarms of

mosquitoes

(that,

swat), at least

I

on account of handcuffs, were impossible

was outside

—

a

warm, late-summer drizzle wash-

ing over me, along with an occasional tranquil breeze. These

cumstances were other type

and/or

A

A

PMS,

far preferable to

women, each in

some

point. Jin Suk,

languishing

in the throes

among

of panic,

claustrophobic and stinky

few of the women, in

to

fact,

a

cir-

dozen

irritation,

little cell.

were quietly weeping by

on the other hand, was emotionless and

this

utterly

LINDSAYMORAN

704

silent,

both with the captors and with

our incarceration, she

sat

For the entirety of

us.

with her arms crossed in front of her,

some

staring straight ahead. For

reason, Jin Suk's impervious-

ness to both the cruelty of our adversaries

our friends

irritated

me

greatly.

I

sat

and the

distress

of

next to her, longing for

the relative serenity of the fence.

we were

Occasionally during interrogation sessions,

an apple, cookie, or small package of crackers ingly minuscule treat, but

one that each

girl

—some

on the

other,

—on

the one hand, a

insult-

would bring back any

offer

show of enormous

will;

to share with the others. Jin Suk, of course, refused

of nourishment

given

an example of her priggishness and self-assumed

superiority.

At one

point, a girl

convulsing in the guard

named Brenda was

tears. Several

Brenda sobbed, pulling up her

returned.

A steely-eyed

cell

of us reached to comfort her once

had slammed the metal door

would eventually darken

returned to the

shut.

sleeve to

show

into bruises. Seconds

guy with Aryan

"They

me,"

hit

us marks that

later,

features,

the guard

he hollered,

"Shut up, you cow!"

A but

few this

girls rallied in

front of Brenda like a

human

only encouraged the guard toward further

"You're a fat piece of shit," he yelled, prodding us

Brenda,

who was

still

much

as this

away from

seized with tears.

For some reason, nothing that we'd endured so as

shield, cruelty.

far upset

man's abuse of Brenda, which seemed

and unnecessary, and caused a revolution "We've got to plan an escape,"

I

in

my

me

mean

psyche.

whispered not long

after

BLOWING MY COVER had disappeared, leaving Brenda a soggy and

the guard

lump on

ited

"This

them. I

I

other

I

out of here."

saw Jin Suk

girls

"Ted was right ... we outnumber

said.

Let's get the hell

thought

The

the floor.

bullshit,"

is

dispir-

though she remained

flinch,

thought a revolt was too

silent.

risky.

"The weakest among the guards can overpower even strongest

one of us,"

Sally argued.

"And they have guns," Ophelia pointed

more with

than

irritation

No

you imagine what the guys

shook her head

are going through?" Sally

our male classmates.

matter her

can't stay in here

even though that,

I

knew

I

I

genuine pity for

travails,

she always

herself.

another goddamn night,"

and probably would.

could,

more than anything,

in

own

worried more about other people than I

out, her voice shrill

fear.

"If they're doing this to us, can

"Look,

the

I

I

said,

suppose

longed for some sort of diversion.

A few of the other girls felt emboldened enough to attempt an escape, but just

swung open and Brenda

Through

air

we

started to devise a plan, the

door

same despotic brute who'd been berating

now commanded

me

both her and

to

come

the thin material of the pillowcase,

ceive light outside.

The

as

the

On my arms,

I

felt

the

I

out.

could per-

warmth of the

sun.

smelled like early morning.

"Get on the ground!" the several minutes,

mud, being

Brenda and

evil I

guard shouted. For the next

crawled through thick, gloppy

careful not to raise our heads

the guard wallop us.

from the mire

All the while, he hurled insults,

lest

some of

LINDSAY MORAN

106

which

I

found absurd and even amusing, such

humor was

smell like shit!" But any ever

I

heard Brenda choke or cry out in pain.

some way, but

fort her in

punishment

for the

corted to another in

"You two

figured that

I

wanted

which

I

trailer,

found

—

familiar interrogators

handcuffed to metal

"Do you know

to

com-

would only invite more

both of us.

Brenda was evidently hauled away and

Finally,

and

I

as

quickly squelched when-

where

my

and guards

— Rob

es-

removed

pillowcase was

in addition to a lineup

was

I

of the by

now

and Warren, both

chairs.

these

men?" one of the

interrogators said,

turning to me.

"No." Obviously, we were not supposed to

let

on

that

members with

recognized anyone outside the team

we

whom

we'd been caught. "I

thought you told

rogator said to "I do!"

looked see

say

me.

me you knew

this

Warren while pointing

at

Warren pronounced almost

woman,"

the inter-

me.

gaily.

No

matter that

I

Swamp Thing, Warren clearly was just happy to "We went to Harvard together," he said. "That's Lind-

like

—she dated my roommate!"

I

groaned audibly, and Rob

rolled his eyes.

"You must be mistaken," ren. In fact,

I

I

said,

hadn't even ever

dated his roommate. claim that

I

I

my

eyes boring into

met him

War-

in college, let alone

had no idea of his roommate's name, a

spent the next several minutes defending to our

interrogators,

who were

obviously delighted to have in their

custody what appeared to be two Ivy League

idiots.

The

evil

BLOWING MY COVER guard, standing on the sidelines with a particularly

gun

707

in his hand, looked

smug.

Aside from making asinine

false assertions to

Warren dramatized the

the both of us,

effect

jeopardize

of his internment

by sobbing demonstratively and howling about

how

he was a

"lawyer."

"I'm going to sue the whole lot of you!" he cried. Ignoring Warren, the

you don't know

"If I shoot this "you'll

guard turned to Rob. "Since you say

should be no bonds of attachment."

woman"

—he

gestured with his gun at

me

be freed immediately."

Rob was shaking

own

his

evil

her, there

private

his

head no, but Warren, in the throes of

melodrama, seemed oblivious to

"One of you

my fate.

going to admit that you're CIA," the guard

is

shouted, lunging forward and pressing the aperture of his volver against

my head. "Or I will kill

This guys out of his mind,

vomit or

faint,

care if we I

wanted It

I

I

re-

her!"

thought. Willing myself not to

looked frantically toward the door.

I

didn't

were in the world of make-believe anymore or not: out.

did not take long for Rob's normally stoic resolve to

crumble.

He

struggled to

chair, off the floor.

was between the

lift

his body,

still

handcuffed to a

"Enough." Rob lurched forward so that he

evil

guard and me. "Enough." The chair dan-

gled awkwardly from his wrists. "Okay, we're CIA," he said. I

felt

crying,

my face I

bled into

felt

awash with

wrought with

tears.

Though angry

at

myself for

relief as the hot, salty liquid drib-

my trembling mouth.

LINDSAYMORAN

108

now familiar hum of convoy Our captors, simulating panic,

Suddenly, there was the by trucks approaching outside.

dropped

their

and then

fled

weapons, fumbled to

from the

was scrambling to

Warren could

release

trailer. I tried

to

Rob and Warren,

embrace Rob, but he

of discarded guns before

retrieve the array

com-

get to them. Warren, meanwhile, failing to

prehend that freedom was imminent, continued to

snivel

and moan. Outside,

muddy The

we saw

for the first time the "camp."

area surrounded

on

all

sides

It

was a

by a barbed-wire

Serbian folk music had ceased. In the distance,

I

large

fence.

recog-

nized one of my favorite instructors, jauntily kicking open the

door of a small concrete hut and thus liberating the other

women. "Whooey!" Sally shouted as she stumbled out into the

light.

Ophelia, looking pissed off as usual, shuffled out after

Sally,

followed by Brenda, her face and clothes covered with

mud.

I

my own body, just as sodden and dirty. Again my emotions got the best of me and I struggled to contain my down

looked

tears. It

but

could not have been more than a few days,

I felt

cohorts

at

as if we'd

file

out one after another

blinking into the sunlight

most of them

That

night,

I

I

thought,

been incarcerated for weeks. Watching

—

—made

disoriented, shocked,

me

realize

how

my and

close to

had become.

we were allowed showers

and, at long

last, civil-

ian clothes. Notwithstanding the Office of Security's deluded

and paranoiac

attitude toward alcohol,

we continued

the Agency

BLOWING Mf COVER tradition of getting plowed.

cous, inflated stories

We

70?

spent hours swapping rau-

from our incarceration. Jin Suk was her-

alded by the instructors as an incomparable stalwart for her

any signs of distress

refusal to exhibit

At one

at

all.

point, the austere instructor

mouth with

Shielding his

top-secret information,

Ed approached me.

a can of Coors, as if sharing

Ed said,

"I

some

heard you planning that

es-

cape, missy." "I

thought you guys had abandoned us,"

what we wanted you.

"That's

characteristic smile. "I

which

me

at

is

why you

I

said.

Ed

to think."

had no choice but

cracked an un-

to turn

you

in,

Ed winked

got singled out toward the end."

before he turned and walked away.

Nearly everyone in the group reveled in our release from

Even Warren was emboldened by

captivity.

survival.

As we

injustices that

celebrated, however,

unexpected

Brenda brooded over the

had been wreaked upon

record of her bruises and, weeks

his

later,

She kept a careful

her.

would threaten

to sue

POW exercise for future

the Agency, thereby eliminating the trainees.

As much

as I'd

hated

it,

I

did find the experience useful.

was surprised both by our strengths

up

our weaknesses.

I

when our

when

was made

at the

I

onslaught of

preservation,

gun,

sharing food,

I'd

so

my shame and publicly accused me of treachery,

recollected the intensity of

frustration

or

— standing —and even more by

and comforting one another

for

I

captors

to eat those

my

tears

and sadness

—

—

a

damn

cookies.

mixture of

I

terror, guilt, self-

when, staring down the

confronted the notion of my

own

marveled

end.

barrel of a

LINDSAYMORAN

110

I left

that day, with the others, the

weeks before

me I

—on

same way we'd arrived

a large, yellow school bus, reminiscent to

of both the trauma and tranquillity of early childhood. As

rested

my

forehead against the

dense forest give

way

signs

way

window and watched

to the comforting scenery of green high-

and fast-food

restaurants,

I

was content.

afforded a long, scrutinizing look in the mirror, and

fronted

my reflection free of ego

There was a long way self.

in

after

all.

I I

had been had con-

or expectation.

our training to go,

This end was only the beginning, but

beginning

the

it

I

reminded my-

wasn't such a bad

FIVE

Ethan and I are riding bikes in the darkness. back at The Farm. The air

we're

is

thick

It's

nearly midnight;

andsmoggy with

the dy-

ing days ofsummer. Clusters ofdeer peer out at us from the

and

the frogs churn out a

live for these bike rides;

The

instructors

spread that Ethan there's

rides,

and

trees,

symphony of cacophonous croaking. I

I think Ethan

does, too.

other students are curious, as

and I take

rumor has

off on bicycles late every night.

nothing but friendship between Ethan

and

me.

On

But these

we shout stridently about our creepy instructors and the crap

nature of this course. The outdoors

is

one of the few places we can

be sure we're not audiotaped or video-surveilled.

"The only bugs out here are the

crickets

and ticks, "Ethan

Every night he asks me, "Where should we go?"

says.

LINDSAYMORAN

112

"I

dunno,

training,

Ethan

"

we know

nearly every nook

calls

it.

and cranny of The Farm.

go by the driving range

likes to

had been converted

into the

weeks

that, only

POW camp.

ass-licking awful.

earlier,

"The death camp,

Ethan was perceptibly altered by that time in

was goddamn fucking

PM

route. " After

I respond. "Maybe our usual

"

For one

"

he

captivity. "It

thing, he's de-

veloped a penchant for uniquely invective language. "But, you "

know, I wouldn't have missed it for the world.

Now the

we have been back at The Farm for two

months ahead seem grim. We've been told

permitted time

to

do

to drive

home for

"Saddam"—

gleefully

Adam— whom

Adam

is

your

went on

we

are

up, " the trade-

quickly

informed us on the first

any weddings; don't plan

now. This

we

the weekends, we're unlikely to have

work during the week just piles

craft course supervisor,

to

while

so.

"You'll find the

go

weeks; already,

that,

nicknamed

day. "Don't plan to

to see yourfamilies

.

.

.

we own you

life."

to tell us

a

story

of a former

trainee

who had

driven back to Washington for the weekend, attempting to defy the effects

of weeks' worth ofsleep deprivation. Somewhere along

the way, the

guy had fallen

asleep at the wheel,

run off the road,

and died. of you," Adam

"If something like that happens to one

"what can I say? It's your own

"What a douche bag that guy

is,

"Ethan

furiously across the pavement; steam

rounding us as if we're in a "It's

rises

says,

from

colossal cauldron.

like we're in the depths

said,

"

damn fault.

ofhell, " I say.

pedaling his bike the

swamps

sur-

BLOWING MY COVER "We

we

are,

merge into a

As

are. "

lightless

Ethan laughs

together

we sub-

tunnel of trees.

luck would have

it,

Ethan and

share the next several

asked for a better

and

loudly,

same Small Training Group (STG),

would

113

six

were assigned to the

I

people with

months of our

lives. I

STG. Aside from Ethan and me,

Ophelia, Mark, Tornado

Sally,

and a

whom we

couldn't have

there were:

self-defined ne'er-do-well

named Alec. An uncommon wit, Alec would deadpan jokes, eyes

all

the while riveted to his computer,

and have the

us doubled over in stomach-aching laughter

Each

STG

with the

STG

rest

table, at

which we would

instructor to review the daily

and assignments. Our

of

many a late night.

was assigned a workroom equipped with

computers and a large centered

his

six sit

round of missions

STG instructor was an elfin man named

who drove a red Mercedes convertible that stuck out surdly among the squad of Fiats and Corollas belonging to Paul,

ab-

the

other instructors. He'd enjoyed a long and illustrious, by his description, career with postings

we wondered,

that things

were sent to dry out.

tor here

Still,

Agency was

that of a

where dysfunctional case

we

offi-

suspected that each instruc-

must have committed some

hit a sizable wall, in order to Paul's

Why then,

had improved since the years

Farm's reputation within the

glorified rehabilitation center cers

over the world.

did Paul find himself an instructor at The Farm?

We'd been assured

when The

all

end up

offense, or

had

in this dismal

his career

swampland.

weakness, we would soon discover, was women. After

LINDSAYMORAN

114

weeks of watching him try unsuccessfully to avert

his eyes

from Ophelias V-necked blouses, we pretty much figured that Paul was charge.

on the lam from some

Still,

get him,

we

sort

of sexual harassment

except for Ethan,

who thought

Paul was out to

much

STG

He

pretty

liked our

instructor.

an advocate between us and "Saddam," and

as

versions caused

his

stood

mild per-

more amusement than concern.

We surmised that each STG room was equipped with a hidden camera. The suspicion was confirmed when word spread about two former students who'd been expelled for having sex after

hours on the rectangular worktable.

infinite pleasure

from talking

The six of us

derived

in jest for the benefit of the hid-

den camera, which we deduced must be positioned

at the

high-ceiling corner of the otherwise sterile room.

An

occasional late night,

we would

were not permitted in

(radios

Ophelia was in

turn up the

classified areas)

fact a recreational belly dancer,

CD player

and dance.

and we could

hardly imagine Paul's delight at watching her undulate around the

room and on

the tabletop.

We also amused ourselves by using the workroom phone to crank-call other

earnest

and

"This I

would

is

STGs, whose members always seemed

self-serious.

Miss Abbott from base maintenance and

claim. "We're having problems with the

tem. We're going to have to ask you ers

and

lights for

where you

terribly

are.

security,"

power

to turn off your

sys-

comput-

about thirty minutes and remain exactly

We'll call to inform

you when you can turn

everything back on."

Then our group of six would

creep around the hallway,

sti-

BLOWING MY COVER fling

our laughter

other students

as

we peeked

into each

mutely wringing

sat,

their

room where

the

hands and waiting

back on. Jin Suk, mean-

for the go-ahead to turn the lights

while,

115

would continue her composition by hand, with the

of a miniature

aid

flashlight.

All told, however, there

was

little

time for fooling around.

The six-month

tradecraft course,

tended to apply

maximum pressure to

we knew in

advance, was in-

the students, as

we were

saddled with more and more, not to mention increasingly daunting, tasks. In addition to being habitually deprived of sleep, real

contact with the outside world.

The Farm was

der an elaborate make-believe scenario, in which

posed to be Agency

officers assigned to the

a fairy-tale land called Vaingloria, like

we had no set

up un-

we were

sup-

CIA Station within

some mythical Marx

Brothers country.

Our

job was to spot,

assess,

and

recruit Vainglorians, role-

played by our instructors, and thereby to acquire foreign ligence,

which we would report back

to "headquarters"

endless bureaucratic correspondences that were ing.

Hence

With the

intel-

through

due each morn-

the sleepless nights.

my background

in writing

and teaching,

work as overwhelming as someone

like

I

Tornado

didn't find Sally,

who

couldn't cobble together a grammatically correct sentence to

save her

life.

Ethan and

for her, just so the

poor

I

ended up editing much of her work

girl

could get a few hours' sleep.

Meanwhile, each student was subject to near-constant icism from the instructors. sibility that, at

And we

all

crit-

faced the very real pos-

any given time, the "Murder Board" would

LINDSAY MORAN

116

deem

us unfit.

The Murder Board was

the

name

given to a bi-

weekly event when the instructor cadre reviewed every stu-

who were

dent, with particular attention to those

perform.

The

instructors

would

vote,

and

if a

failing to

simple majority

advocated elimination, the student would be escorted off the base within twenty-four hours, suddenly jobless and homeless.

To make

the process

number of different first

exercise

—

"fair,"

we each were

pitted against a

instructors for a variety of exercises.

exaltedly

dubbed "The

attend the Vainglorian National

were supposed to spot our

Ball"

Day

first target,

—

The

required us to

we

Reception. There,

make

contact with

him

or her, and secure a follow-up meeting for lunch or dinner.

The one

entire simulated scenario assured the instructors at least free

We

meal a day.

were not told the exact names of our

targets,

but

each were given some identifying piece of information.

might be a "college professor secretary at the

United

in Vaingloria,

in nuclear engineering" or "first

Embassy of Arrogancia." In addition

States, there

and

to the

were countries diplomatically represented

their

well. If we successfully

embassy

officers

worked the

were viable

cocktail party,

rounds and initiating conversations with as possible,

we

They

we should be able

as

many

targets as

making the instructors

to identify our respective targets.

Equipped with a small supply of fake business cards and wearing a

my stupid blue suit,

I

arrived at

"prominent Vainglorian journalist."

Ball" in search

of

scanned the crowded

how or where to begin. I was reminded of "getting to know you" game that involved wan-

room, not knowing a childhood

I

"The

BLOWINGMYCOVER

117

dering around making a particular barn animal noise pig, goat, or

chicken

—

until

making the same animal

toward the

as

I

like a

you found the only other person

noise, at

which point you could both

switch to regular humanlike conversation.

tempted to "oink"

—

circulated the

I

now

was

room. Instead,

I

half

headed

bar.

A critical trainee skill was attending a cocktail party without While not forbidden from drink-

getting completely soused.

we assumed

ing,

and that

it

that our habits were being closely observed,

would be unwise

cessive scotches

—

to linger

by the bar ordering suc-

might have been

as

my

inclination under

other circumstances. Aside from the smattering of Mormons a

community from which,

many pasts

case officers,

owing

Stirring

my

at least

their general lack

one drink

vodka tonic with

veyed the room.

Finally,

I

Agency

recruits

in large part to their squeaky-clean

and notwithstanding

most of us ordered

incidentally, the

strolled

its

of social

skills

to fortify ourselves.

tiny plastic straw,

toward Ophelia,

who

I

sur-

stood

glowering behind the table of second-rate hors d'oeuvres. Ophelia,

I'd

discovered during an after-hours rap session out-

STG,

side the

"This

is

shared

my aversion

to the recruitment process.

revolting," she said, obviously not referring to her

cracker smeared with sunset-colored cheese. "This whole thing is

foul.

want I

I

don't

want

to

to talk to a single

had

meet any of these people.

I

one of them."

to agree with Ophelia, although

I

was more disheart-

ened by the bleak appetizer spread than anything cuits

and cheese;

don't even

bitter celery stalks; cold

else: Tris-

chicken nuggets in a

LINDSAY MORAN puddle of coagulated

grease.

Ophelia and

a few minutes until Ethan, looking

room

darted wildly about the

as his eyes

to

Malevolencia,"

him?" Ethan, unlike

was neurotically eager to please the instruc-

I,

and consumed with worry over his standing

tors,

We

unhinged

in search of his target, joined us.

"Have you seen or talked

cried.

Ophelia or

commiserated for

goddamn ambassador of

"I can't find the

Ethan

I

at

The Farm.

were evaluated for each exercise and would receive any

number of

"lesters"

—

that

is,

less

than satisfactory ratings

depending on our performance. Ethan maintained an obsesof how

many

"lesters"

each student had.

"I haven't talked to

anyone

yet,"

sive tally

quite frankly, "I

think

don't

I

I'll

want

Ophelia retorted. "And,

to."

get another drink,"

I

said.

"Anyone want

to

go

to the bar?"

Our ambivalence only added tromped

to Ethan's anxiety,

but not before fixing an altogether fake smile

off,

across his face

and

discreetly flipping us the bird.

Close to an hour

later, I

had engaged

in trivial conversation

with nearly every instructor in the room

—

my target

duced that

and he

cornered by Jin Suk,

as

when

I

misfortune would dictate

who was

talking at

him

finally de-

—had been

rapidly

and

enthusiastically.

Prominent journalist indeed, he was an enormously

man who myself, tice

I

bore a close resemblance to Santa Claus. Bracing

sidled alongside Jin Suk,

who

didn't pause to take no-

of me but continued chattering away.

had agreed targets,

large

but

to help I

Our STG members

one another find and meet our respective

could see Jin Suk wouldn't be doing

me

any

fa-

BLOWING MY COVER She even shifted her position so

vors.

from me.

was

I

119

Santa Claus

as to shield

pathetically lurking the fringes of their

left

conversation. Finally, I

target

shoved

my arm

between Jin Suk and the probable

and introduced myself with

my new

training

alias,

"Hello: I'm Liddy Morton." Jin

Suk looked censoriously at

my extended hand,

never seen a more dismal debut in her

When Santa Claus

life.

responded to me, "And

I

am

nington," Jin Suk turned on her heel and stalked

Some

initial

pleasantries enabled

as if she'd

me

Barry Ben-

off.

to determine that

Barry Bennington was indeed a prominent journalist, native to Vaingloria.

The

was winding down, and the

cocktail party

other students leaving,

when

I

finally

managed

to secure a

lunch date with Barry for the following day. By no small coincidence, Barry suggested the exact time to

which

I'd

been

as-

signed: twelve o'clock.

Mission accomplished,

where we were expected

up

I

to

headed back to the

spend the

cables about our experience at

ated not just

our I

"The

ability to accurately report the details

was

careful not to embellish

and grading

my

report.

being easy or tough, and

somewhere

of it

evalu-

but also on

later.

upon any rapport

I'd

estab-

the one reading

Each instructor had

a reputation for

I'd

in the

fairly large radius

We were

exercise,

knew he would be

I

heard that Barry was tough.

Developmental meetings with our off base,

room,

of the night writing

Ball."

on our performance in each

lished with Barry, since

The

rest

STG

targets generally

took place

surrounding area of Williamsburg.

within which to operate, no matter

its

LINDSAY MORAN

120

scope, in the

coming weeks would seem

increasingly claustro-

phobic. Prior to any operational exercise, each student was required to drive a one- to

two-hour "surveillance detection route"

in

order to determine that he was not being followed. If he was

being followed, he was supposed to "abort"

—

that

is,

not go to

his meeting.

Some rudimentary Washington —

surveillance-detection training back in

four weeks of driving around Maryland and

Northern Virginia while intermittently being followed by clusters

of "shadows"

training that

—had prepared

we would undergo

was a

failure to detect surveillance

evicted that

surefire

from The Farm. Obviously,

you

were being followed,

us for the

more

intensive

in the near future. Habitual

if

way

to get oneself

you couldn't perceive

you were not going

to

make

a

very effective spy. I'd

always viewed driving as a chance to zone out and sing

along with the radio, pretty ings. In fact,

insulated

I

much

oblivious to

was one of those people who considered herself

and anonymous within

a car.

truck as a makeshift powder room, mascara, pluck excavate

my surround-

my eyebrows,

I

Using the cab of

would apply

lipstick

my and

and, without a second thought,

my nose.

Such indulgences were no longer possible where we

all

lived in constant fear of being

at

The Farm,

watched and

fol-

Now as I drove, I always kept a pen and small pad by my hand so that I could take notes on suspicious cars and li-

lowed.

cense plates.

My

first

developmental luncheon with Barry was to take

BLOWING MY COVER place at the T.G.I. Friday's in nearby

meeting,

I

12

Newport News. At

this

should garner enough information from Barry that

I

could begin to determine his potential access to state

I

also

secrets.

should present myself as someone engaging enough that

Barry might agree to another meeting with me. In

would turns

1

later learn, a foreign

down

man/potential source

the opportunity to have lunch, dinner, or drinks

with a young female American "diplomat." But

become

reality, I

rarely, if ever,

clear to

me

until long after

Having conducted the

this

wouldn't

my first date with

Barry.

requisite hour-plus driving route in

and around Williamsburg and Newport News, and thereby determined that

I

was not under

T.G.I. Friday's, where friendly wait

the

I

was

(It

I

walked into the

once assaulted by the

at

who seemed

customer of the day.

first

the morning.)

and

staff,

I

surveillance,

tiber-

nearly ecstatic to encounter

was, after

all,

The group descended on me,

eleven-thirty in

proffering

menus

solicitous greetings.

asked to be seated in a booth in the most remote corner of

the cavernous restaurant, where utes reviewing in

my mind

I

spent the next twenty min-

the details of the political, eco-

nomic, and military infrastructure of Vaingloria, with which each of us was expected to be thoroughly familiar.

The

point of immersing ourselves in the "scenario" was

twofold.

To begin

with,

many among

the instructor cadre

were quasi-retirees who'd been banished to The Farm years earlier.

They knew

better than they

dered

if

this fake

knew any

some of them

and incredibly elaborate scenario real

actually

won-

current events. Often

I

had

it,

started to believe

per-

haps even spent sleepless nights fretting about the nuclear

LINDSAY MORAN

122

of the hostile nation-state Malevolencia. These

capabilities

structors derived perverse pleasure

from trying

demanding the name of some obscure

to trip us

official at the

in-

up by

Embassy

of the Republic of Infirmia, or the details of a treaty signed be-

tween Arrogancia and Vaingloria years before. In addition to this information

bursting three-ring binders, briefs

memorized from

we would

a stack of

receive daily video

news

informing us of recent developments in the Republic of

commonly

Vaingloria,

casts elucidated the

referred to as the

R.O.V. Such broad-

second point of the scenario:

Armed with

knowledge from the binders, and updates on what had been reported via "open sources," tential targets

we would

be able to ask our po-

pointed questions, and thereby determine their

access to state secrets and/or their willingness to share gen-

uinely classified information. If a target merely reiterated what

had already been reported on the news, he obviously wasn't vulging any secrets.

something

If,

di-

on the other hand, he informed you of

that, the following day,

could be corroborated by

the news, you could use that to prove to headquarters that you

had a

truly valuable potential asset.

Liddy Morton was supposed with the nebulous

title

to be

an American

official

of "Special Assistant for Vainglorian

Affairs."

Semiconfident that

own, on

all

I

could hold court, or

things Vainglorian,

I

at least

perusing the menu, settling on pea soup, which wouldn't quire chewing or talking with

By

the time Barry

ambled

my

spent the next few minutes re-

my mouth full of food.

in,

there were exactly three other

T.G.I. Friday's patrons: a stay-at-home

mom and her two chil-

dren, one of whom was wailing loudly while the other threw a

BLOWING MY COVER

123

tantrum over the unavailability of peanut butter and

As

jelly.

the exceptionally eager hostess led Barry to the corner booth, it

was the

which

I

— but

first

certainly not the last

To our mutual tween the booth I'll

seat

and the

okay,

it's

meeting with an obviously

grasped the

I

pull.

Unfor-

more chagrined than

I.

his legs

extended well

aisle.

For the next two hours, past as a

said as

turned sideways so that his rear end

was perched on the edge of the booth, into the

be-

floor.

okay." Barry was even

He

I

and executed a hearty

was bolted to the

just sit like this."

fit

table.

toward me,"

just slide this

tunately, the table "It's

young

mortification, Barry proved too big to

tabletop with both hands

"I'll

occasion during

acutely aware of the seedy implications of a

felt

woman in a quasi-clandestine much older man.

"Oh,

—

we

talked primarily about Barry's

prominent Vainglorian

journalist,

pausing only

when

lunch was served or the ambitious young busboy came to

our water. During the

first

refill

meeting, Barry dropped a few

nuggets: personal disillusionment with "the regime," brigadier general brother-in-law,

That

young daughter with

night, back at the

to headquarters,

STG,

I

expounding upon

a grave illness.

would write up

my

reports

Barry's access (to the Vain-

glorian military structure, via his brother-in-law) as well as his

main glaring

vulnerability: the

young

diseased daughter.

For the next several weeks, Barry and

week

for lunches

I

met

at least twice a

and dinners. Often we would lean

in

toward

each other over the table, talk in whispers, or furtively glance

around to make sure no one was

listening to

our conversation.

LINDSAY MORAN

124

This might have added to the impression that

of young

was to

home

and

talk audibly,

already

I

this

felt like

also

about

who,

his frustration at

beloved daughter

only

("if

discussing

ass,

his relationship

per the scenario,

as

an

realized,

I

make-believe country.

As Barry revealed more about

and

was some kind

wrecker, but the only other option,

with passion and sincerity

brother-in-law,

I

"tells

with his

me everything,"

not being able to cure his

we had

the money"),

I

was sup-

posed to reciprocate by subtly suggesting ways in which the

United States government could help.

I

should also be moving

our meetings to more clandestine venues. The whole developmental process was supposed to culminate with Barry agreeing to provide

me

state secrets in

me

This would require

exchange for money.

to lure Barry

my room

back to

the base, the only suitably secure venue in which cruit

him.

courtship: ject

The whole I

was the

I

could

on re-

process of recruitment was not unlike a

suitor,

and Barry the coy and

reluctant ob-

of my affections.

In spite of the fact that the whole thing was a sham, to dread

my

every time

I

meetings with Barry.

I

felt

wrote back to headquarters: "Subject

Ophelia and erate

about

I

is

how

by leveraging medical aid

would

get together for dinner

disgusting

the other hand, was into trainees.

On

our bike

it,

we found as

rides,

began

distraught and guilty

motivated by

the desire to help his ailing daughter. If recruited, fectively control Subject

I

we can

ef-

for the girl."

and commis-

the process. Ethan,

on

were the majority of our fellow

Ethan would reassure

me

that

Vainglorians were an oppressed and troubled people, in need

of the CIA's help, and also that

I

ought not to

feel

sorry for any

BLOWINGMYCOVER of the Malevolencians,

—from

whom we knew

contained in the binders

at the

to be a bellicose

this

man

it

my age. Huddled

twice

talking about people

was

less like I

and

beam

streetlamp road,

I

I

spent countless hours

my

car

in

was delivered from one

on the otherwise empty country

my life had become not only weird but

knew that I could head back to would be

thought of

it

the

STG, where Ethan and

busily completing their write-ups, but the

only compounded

my

angst.

1

thought about

Emma or Emily, but the girls likely were preparing to go

out on the town, which would depress decided

I

would

call

Sasho, even

figured that Sasho

had cared

for

me

me

if

me

human way

now.

It

even more.

Finally,

only to hear his voice.

would remind me

in a very

together foreign to

—

that

a way

would provide

someone once that a

seemed

not irrecoverably

al-

semblance of

hope: that something similar could happen again, that

I

I felt

some

of pathetic.

the others

calling

together in a booth at

program than caught

As

to the next

concluded that

also sort

occurred to

situations that didn't even exist.

in a training

endless, unsettling dream.

I

by an intense

only forays into freedom involved rendezvous with

reflection,

depressing chain restaurants, Barry and

I

seized

that

of loneliness.

corpulent

I

deceitful lot.

evening, after dinner with

Ruby Tuesday, I suddenly was

Upon

and

the material

me

feeling

my

—

The Farm one

Driving back to Barry

725

I

was

lost to real life or to real love.

pulled into a strip mall parking lot and headed toward the

pay phone located

just outside the

Dairy Queen. Convinced

LINDSAYMORAN

126

that our

room phones, and perhaps even

the rooms themselves,

made

and only off base.

were bugged,

rarely

I

had not spoken

I

personal

to Sasho in

calls,

months, and

while and several wrong numbers to track "Its

me,"

said

I

ber provided by "

Who

when Sasho

finally

it

took

me

a

him down.

answered a phone num-

some other foreign-sounding

guy.

Sasho sounded sleepy and disoriented.

is it?"

"Me. Lindsay. Hi." "Hi. "I

Where

dunno.

I

are you?"

mean, Virginia. I'm

still

in Virginia."

"Oh."

During the long

silence that followed,

area surrounding the

phone booth

—

I

looked around the

a desolate strip mall; the

darkened Michael's Craft Shop; a tiny pawnshop

—

a fluores-

cent glow from the Video Outlet providing the only discernible light.

thought of all those nights Sasho and

I

on I

the rocks,

I

had spent sleeping

and the sense of enveloping awe

I felt

each time

got up to pee: the blue-black darkness, the crisp night

feel

of the wind against the bare skin of my body.

I

standing above the spectacular cascade of Yosemite

Sasho

and

—whose

told

me

face

I

that he

could barely picture

wanted

New Zealand,

move

to

a visa

and "learn some

At Christmas and garia: hike the

grandmother's

to

marry

me

now

air,

Falls,

—looked

someday.

the

thought of

when at

me,

We would

Sasho thought, where he could obtain things."

in the

I

would teach

school, or write.

summer, we would go back

seven lakes in the Rila Mountains,

village in the central plains,

the shores of the Black Sea.

to Bulvisit his

climb the rocks on

BLOWING MY COVER

Now

727

clung almost desperately to the phone, feeling

I

abysmally lonely and depressed. "I just

"You

thought

are

I'd call," I said.

working your job?"

"What do you mean? "Is

Yeah, I'm working."

very important job, eh?" Sasho's smirk was nearly audible.

"It's

not so important,"

I

"What

said.

are

you up

to?"

"Nothing. Work. Climbing. School." "School?" Sasho had never finished his education at the Technical University in Sofia, having immersed himself in

rock climbing instead. "I ley,"

am studying computer science at the university in Sasho

said. "I like

it,

but

I

have not so

much

Berke-

time to

climb anymore." "Sasho, that's great,"

I

stammered. "I'm so proud of you."

We spoke for a few more minutes, during which time Sasho told me: as a student, he States; he'd

met

a

girl,

had acquired

legal status in the

from Korea,

in his English course at

now

night; they were living together

guess you could say she I

my family,

is

wanted, in a picture taken by a

would appear

When

I

well, there's

Sasho's

here."

hung up

—and,

no needfor guilt

I

San Francisco I

"I if

that

and Ice.

was relieved

at the

—

could see him,

German photographer

in the next issue of Rock

the phone,

in

United

Sasho's

doing

same time, panicked

doing better than I am, actually!

And why had "Where

it

are you?"

been so hard to answer the simple question

What did

I

have to say?

What had

accomplished, in the past several months that

even begin to explain?

I

I

done, or

could ever

LINDSAY MORAN

728

Overcome by sadness,

I

my eyes around the parking lot,

cast

as if

looking for somewhere to go, some small harbor of com-

fort.

In the far corner of the

vehicles,

driver

its

Goddamnit,

thought.

I

calmly returning to

down

as

I

I

recognized one of the shadow directly at

me.

noted the make and model, and

my own

the license plate

missed Sasho

lot, I

and passenger looking

car

and

exiting the lot,

number.

My

mind had

thought about what

jotted

I

already dis-

details to include

on

my

"surveillance report."

The

next day,

I

was commended

for detecting that

I

was be-

ing followed, but also questioned and chastised for drawing tention to myself by stopping to

make

a call

from a

at-

mall

strip

phone booth. "You should have spotted the surveillance before you made the

call,"

Paul told me.

"You shouldn't have been making any

calls at all,"

Adam

said. I left

the meeting angry and confused.

tell

me

me

feel as if

I

couldn't call

tales,

told

I

by

to

made

some kind of unprece-

my

male instructors and colleagues strip clubs they'd

—only

solicited

ter case, just prior to

consummation of the

young Oriental

much

gal

alike,

frequented or

to discover, in the lat-

Thai prostitutes they'd

Oriental guy!" So

Adam

thought ruefully of the countless adoles-

about the Eastern European

"beautiful

was

ex-boyfriend? Already, they'd

dating a foreigner were

dented treachery. cent

my

Who

deal, that the

was actually a beautiful young

for a case officer's

common

sense,

BLOWING MY COVER foresight,

and perceptiveness,

endure another one of these dalliances

I

were never looked upon

thought each time

stories.

on the part of male

I

had had

to

Absurdly, such imprudent

case officers

anything but

as

129

and male

that.

The

trainees

Agency's

double standard remained flagrant and unapologetic. I

could not sleep that night, and found myself petulantly

jealous of Sasho

him back

to

and

his freewheeling lifestyle.

path, nel,

it

I

sent

San Francisco, Sasho was heartbroken, penniless,

and on the verge of deportation. straight path

When

I,

on the other hand, had

upon which I was about

seemed

to

with a light

me

now, had led

end

at the

that

a

to

embark. That straight

me

into a long, dark tun-

I felt

increasingly ambivalent

about.

My recruitment meeting with Barry, back in my room, was not going well.

"What do you mean you want me States government?!" Barry roared.

which

I'd

directed

him

—he disrupted

chair

cookies

I'd set

up

to

sit

to

work

Jumping

since there

for the

was only room

—

the official term for the snicky-snacks

supposed to provide

be working for us"

"You wouldn't

just

"Who do you

think

his brow.

for

"This

is

first all

one

and few

of the

we were

each developmental meeting. Today,

at

however, Barry said he was too nervous too

wiped

—on

the small tray of cheese, crackers,

in advance. Generally, within the

minutes of any given meeting, Barry had consumed "amenities"

United

off the bed

I

I

eat.

said.

am?!" Barry's face reddened, and he

an

insult!

An

outrage! Are

you CIA?!"

LINDSAY MORAN

130

do serve in an intelligence capacity,"

"I is

precisely

why

I

am

the person in

I

whom

said.

"But that

you can confide

what you have already shared with

things, such as

me

.

.

.

ahem, about your brother-in-law's intentions to stage a coup. I

am

the person

who

can securely convey

information

this

back to Washington without anyone knowing where from.

By providing me

Washington policymakers plan ria,

in

for the

new regime

which your brother-in-law obviously

came

in Vainglo-

will play

an im-

Like you, Washington actually has the best

portant

role.

interests

of Vaingloria

"I

it

information, you can help

this secret

at heart."

asked you a question!" Barry snarled. "Are you or are you

not CIA?" "As

I

explained,

I

am

authorized by the U.S. government to

deal with matters of intelligence.

I

am

such

as that

which you have already provided."

impress

upon

already

committed espionage.

country.

Barry, as we'd

To now make

mant was

pretty

much

and

trained to handle

transmit sensitive information, top secret information I

.

.

.

was trying to

been instructed to do, that he had

He had

already betrayed his

the leap from informant to paid infora no-brainer.

My powers of persuasion did not appear to be working. "This

is

an outrage!" Barry shouted, grabbing

his jacket

and

readying himself to storm out the door. Just then,

we heard

followed by Adam's giggly pleading

a violent

booming

from Tornado

talking about, Officer.

It's

just

pounding from the

hallway,

voice, interspersed with Sally: "I don't

me

"Quick, get in the bathroom."

I

some

know what you're

in here."

pushed

Barry's

bulk toward

BLOWINGMYCOVER the

bathroom door. "The Security

131

Services are conducting

a raid."

dumped

I

the cheese-and-cracker platter into a drawer,

yanked down the bedspread, and tossed the pillows on the floor.

Worst-case scenario, the "secret police" would find Barry

fuming

my bathroom,

in

and

we were having an

claiming

affair

female case officer and a male

But I

was not

it

would explain

I

—standard

asset, I

was hard not

It

to laugh

on Barry standing

had given

when

I

by

cover story for a

already knew.

my day to be raided,

evidently; minutes later

heard Adam and the others tromping back

tain

his presence

down

the hallway.

pulled back the shower cur-

there in the tub. Luckily, the time-out

Barry's anger a

chance to subside, or rather to evolve

into fear.

guess you're right," he said, lifting one of his giant legs

"I

out of the tub. "I'm already in too deep."

"Don't think of it that way, the tub.

"Think of this

daughter."

I

as

rian a

—

that

is,

munars a month, signed

communication plan such

champagne

sleaziness.

But soon

We

to toast

a secrecy agreement,

that

we would

shook hands, and

me

and devised

never have to rely

popped

a bottle of

Ball." Later,

during the

I

our new relationship.

thus successfully completed

"The

—an

mirably every step of the way I

and your

.

he agreed to provide

feedback session with Barry, he told

since

him out of .

.

information in exchange for four-hundred Vainglo-

on the telephone.

I

my own

could hardly believe

Barry had been recruited classified

assisting

sir," I said,

helping your country

had considered the

final

me

I'd

performed ad-

assessment that surprised me,

recruitment meeting a debacle.

LINDSAY MORAN

132

But Barry said that

I

was a natural

recruiter.

a question that I'd never heard, nor have

Agency

officer voice:

quizzically. It

we had you

was our

"No,

recruited

any other feel.

me?" Barry looked

encounter outside of the

first

played, the journalist

feel a

since,

I

me how it made me

he asked

"Were you happy when you

me

Then Barry posed

at

roles

and the diplomat-cum-spy. "Did

sense of accomplishment?"

actually,"

I

felt really

bad

was misetable over your

sick

said. "In fact,

And

about manipulating you.

I

I felt

awful.

I

daughter."

Barry laughed. "Don't worry,

I

don't even have a daughter."

"Oh, thank God!" Relief passed over

my normally hunched-up Then Barry confided officer

in

me

and

like a breeze,

shoulders began to relax.

me

that he

had

started out as a case

but found the job overwhelming, and

far less gratifying

than he'd hoped. "I

never had time for

my wife,"

Barry

"So

said.

I

decided to

switch to reports." "Really?" I'd never heard of a case officer switching to reports. Undeniably, reports officers class citizens "It just

"Maybe ing

my

within the

seemed the

it's

not

part.

married, and

as

And I

DO.

right thing to do, for

I'm one of the few

mean

evaluation, "I

me," Barry

glamorous or intriguing, but

still

married to

"Anyway," Barry pulled out the

my

were considered second-

among

I

us

said.

was

still

do-

who

are

still

my first wife."

little

blue

book containing

gave you exceptionally high marks.

I

don't

think you have to worry about the Murder Board this go-

around."

BLOWING MY COVER

He shook my hand

as

I

walked out

133

"You

his office door.

have a bright future ahead of you, young lady," he

"No

said.

matter what you do."

me

Barry's revelation got

thinking. Truth be told,

had

I

found even the simulated process of recruiting a foreigner together unpleasant. But in order to be a successful case

would have

cer, I

whole point of

to recruit. In fact, recruiting

my

existence. Faced

distasteful prospect,

coming

Not

the streets at

The

of a normal

The

life,

next day,

him

palled;

DO

I

and I

fundamentally

were often drawn or

job didn't require you to be out on

hours of the night, but

some excitement, but

forgo

in the

it

was

ambitious career track. As a reports

less

told

all

the

was an inarguably saner path.

women

surprisingly,

this

offi-

would be

began to consider another option. Be-

a reports officer

relegated to reports.

the

I

with

al-

I'd still

I

also

also considered officer, I

might

might have some semblance

be serving

my country.

requested a private meeting with Paul and

was considering switching

he rolled his eyes

as if I'd

to reports.

announced

I

He was

ap-

was off to join

the circus.

"You don't want

to

do

reports," Paul said. "You'll be bored.

Your career won't go anywhere. Reports can't

is

for the people

who

do ops."

"I'm not comfortable with this whole recruitment thing," I

said.

"What do you mean?" He looked "The said,

idea of preying

at

me

upon someone's

warily.

vulnerabilities,"

"manipulating them into doing something that

never do.

It's

just not

me."

I

I

would

LINDSAYMORAN

134

Paul launched into the routine litany of justifications:

"Everybody

who

gets recruited wants to be recruited. We're

doing these people a

favor, giving

Not

the fate of their countries.

have here in the "Look, Paul,"

States, I

them

a chance to influence

people enjoy the

we

liberties

you know?" can see why we do

said, "I

it.

not

Its just

me."

for

He

rolled his eyes again

"What did you work all

all

me

an

said.

Oh please! look.

when you came

think you'd be doing

CIA?" he

for the

and gave

Good question!

to

thought back to

I

my romantic preconceptions. "I guess

walls in

naive

I

unisuit,"

sounded and how naive

was the one eigner

pictured myself breaking into vaults and scaling

I

some kind of black

who would

down on

his luck,

I

been. "I thought /

I'd in fact

be stealing secrets

who

knowing how

said,

.

.

not some for-

.

could get arrested or killed

if I

fuck up!"

"You are the one

stealing secrets," Paul said.

to find the right person to

Once you as

you I

you those

"You

just

need

secrets. Believe

me:

get out there, you'll see. Everything changes as soon

get your

found

tell

first

scalp."

this cliche,

which

instructors

erally tossed about, slightly revolting,

effective enticement.

Every case

and

trainees alike lib-

and so

it

officer's success

was hardly an or failure,

were constantly reminded, hinged on the number of

we

"scalps"

he accrued.

We continued our circular line of conversation until each of us realized other's

we were not making any

mind.

progress in changing the

BLOWING MY COVER The "I

following day,

I

was

called into

135

Adam's

office.

hear you want to switch to Reports," he said intensely.

"Yeah,

I

guess

I

do,"

I

said.

Adam

always

made me uncom-

fortable.

would be

"Well, that

bad

for us,

Adam

and very bad

abandoned the

Agency

bad decision," he

said.

"Very

for you."

didn't even bother with the quasi-reasonable argu-

ments that Paul had I

a very

laid forth.

He

case officer route,

altogether.

merely made clear that I

might

He had no sympathy

if

as well leave the

for the cause of

my

misgivings. "Quite frankly," he said, "you should have thought

of these things before." I

and

couldn't really argue with that. For the next week, Paul

Adam played good cop/bad cop with me: Paul trying to convince me that being a case officer was not as sleazy as I thought, and Adam reminding me that, really, I had no choice. In the end,

I

buckled.

I

agreed to continue the training as a case

cer,

with assurances from Paul that

last

minute and go on

My

I

could

my first tour as

misgivings were assuaged

still

back out

offi-

at the

a reports officer.

somewhat during the next

few weeks, when the focus shifted from "recruiting" to tradecraft, starting

with an intense surveillance-detection course, to

take place in a nearby

city.

During the two-week course, we were planning different routes but mainly by

car.

—on

to

spend every day

foot, via public transportation,

Once we had planned

a route,

we were sup-

posed to "conduct" the route, making various "cover stops" local stores. If

we determined we were under

should garner

as

many

details as possible

surveillance,

at

we

about the vehicles or

LINDSAY MORAN

136

persons following

us. All

we were

the while,

to act

normal and

we

hadn't even

not try to lose our pursuers, but to appear as

noticed

them and were going about our

We were graded, lance. If you

foremost,

on our

were unable to do

so,

were under surveillance when in called "seeing ghosts"

Adam made tion, we'd

who

set

ability to detect surveilif you

or

we

gets

"wrapped up"

—

case officer

skill.

did not pass surveillance detec-

be evicted from the training.

in secret with a suspected

—what was

failed the course altogether,

most fundamental

clear that if

reported that you

you were not

fact

—then you

ostensibly lacking the

if

daily routines.

that

CIA

It

made

sense:

An

as-

discovered to be meeting

is,

—

officer

surely will be arrested

and, in most countries, executed.

For that reason alone,

been devastated to stories

about

fail.

it

was one area

The

which

in

instructors

I

would have

bombarded

CIA officers who had grown

us with

lazy about their de-

tection routes in seemingly benign countries. They'd been dis-

graced not because they were spies but because they were spies

who

got caught.

We learned to design an effective route that was wide-ranging and included both congested areas and isolated roadways. We our shadows: the makes

also learned to accurately describe

and models of

cars, license plates, the physical

of drivers and passengers. Cars were not

my strong suit,

excelled in the physical appearance category,

names, stores where the

whether

hats, purses,

outfits

appearances

down

to

but

I

brand

could have been bought, and

and shoes were

this season's or last's.

Seemingly mundane, the course actually was incredibly stressful.

We had no

idea

when

or even

if

we would be

followed, so

BLOWING MY COVER we had

to

remain constantly

137

For most of the

alert.

didn't particularly enjoy driving, the course

was especially anxious about driving sion

had never been

The

city

so

stellar,

I

lost.

mini-Maglite perched between

My

I

night vi-

my after-hours routes.

dreaded

Maps

was purgatory.

after dark.

had some surprisingly seedy

found myself hopelessly

who

girls,

areas, in

which

spread out on

my lips,

prayed

I

I

I

often

my lap

and

wouldn't be

carjacked.

Equally as concerned about being caught with scribbled notes,

tions

on

shorts. I

I

would

my

instead write plate

upper thigh,

easily

numbers and

obscured

later

by

car descrip-

my skirt

Writing while driving was one of the hardest

tasks,

or

and

marveled that there were not more trainee-related accidents,

although legend had City,

it

one former

that

CST

from

New York

with no prior driving experience, had committed a

hit-

and-run while under surveillance.

slow,

was

to appear as non-alerting

to drive too fast, or too

run yellow

"The ows

main

You were not supposed

In fact, one of the as possible.

lights, or

objective,"

goals

commit

one instructor

illegal

U-turns.

said, "is to lull

your shad-

to sleep, bore them to death."

"This

skill will

come

handy once

in

you're overseas," he

elaborated. "In convincing whatever host nation security ap-

paratus might be following

mat and not some CIA During one of tell

that indeed

the license plate

I

my

you

that you're an ordinary diplo-

spy."

first

runs,

I

was

was being followed.

I

I

could

down

numbers of the two shadow

dently turned into the crowded

when

quickly jotted

gratified

downtown

cars.

As

I

confi-

area, already antic-

LINDSAY MORAN

138

my success, my cherry-red

ipating praise at

convertible rental

suddenly malfunctioned such that the horn began to blare cessantly.

in

For several minutes,

slow-moving

traffic in

the

I

while a team of shadows trailed while to

live that

One

of

my

I

relentlessly

upscale shopping district,

me from

one down, and

who must

the instructors,

was stuck honking

city's

in-

behind.

assumed

been

I'd

have tinkered with

took

It

set

me

a

up by

my car.

favorite pastimes during the course

was luring

pedestrian shadows into embarrassing cover stops: the lesbian

bookstore; the sex shop; the porn section of the video outlet.

Most of the shadows were employees,

who

them among

CIA

as

women

in

One

FBI

or

could barely disguise their discomfort

complained about I

former

displays of calendars featuring

or shelves of mechanical dildos.

collars,

and

retirees, likely

I

led

dog

female shadow

my "penchant for unsavory establishments," lester if I continued my antics.

was threatened with a

The

surveillance training

was a lonely time. Aside from daily

meetings with an instructor (assigned to each one of us particularly for the course),

we were

instructor allocated to me,

much on

our own. The

was rumored, had had

He

my

instructor

was a deeply wounded and troubled

I

eventually realized had been spiked with vodka.

That was pretty much the extent of my human were staying city,

posed to

of

sur-

inevitably arrived at our meetings with a supersized

Slurpee that

the

several

"wrapped up," and some subsequently killed. Not

his assets

prisingly,

man.

it

pretty

in

any number of hotels and motels

but, since

we were

traveling in alias,

socialize. Eventually, loneliness

in

contact.

and around

we were not

and the

We

sup-

desire to rebel

BLOWINGMYCOVER and a handful of us

prevailed,

—Ophelia,

139

Alec,

Mark, and

began to convene nightly in one or another's hotel hot tub.

I

We

developed the feeble cover story that we'd just randomly run into each other there. Better than nothing, but not If there

was one thing we had

in

need almost, to act subversively.

clination,

seditiousness was, in part, sanctioned

One

common,

director of the

DO

infidelity

was rampant. But

this in-

the spirit of

from above.

had a reputation

This was not scandalous in and of itself,

izer.

was

it

And

much.

he, purportedly,

as a

woman-

intra-Agency

as

would carry on

a la Bill Clinton, in quasi-official venues. Stories circulated like wildfire tial office

about

his

being caught atop the desk in his pala-

or in his reserved parking garage spot, where sup-

posedly he'd been interrupted in medias blow job by several Security Police Officers. According to the story that was

mon

knowledge around the Agency, the

steamed-up

car,

one begrudged him

official

having a seizure.

his alleged infidelities,

—and on Agency

was the

had been caught Personally,

I

fact that a

property,

head of the clandestine service

and more than

— that was so appalling.

once!

could not have been

less

romantically intrigued

by anyone even associated with work. But subversion, in the form

No

or even that he un-

dertook them during the workday less. It

the

having witnessed on videotape what they

thought was an important senior

no

com-

SPOs surrounded

I,

too,

was drawn

of Chris, a tapas bar chef

whom

I

to

met

during surveillance training. I

spotted Chris on the

alone in this antebellum

first

city.

of I

many

was

dinners

I

would

eat

sitting at the bar, nurs-

LINDSAYMORAN

740

ing

some

—

young man

noticed the chef

I

skewered steak, say that

I

bar.

I

handsome

wooden chopping

As he sauteed shrimp,

found him, quite simply,

stirred salsa,

and

sizzling.

"picked up" Chris would not be wholly accu-

every night, writing

home

much

highly sanitized versions of what

"out of town for

to:

incredibly

however, hang out at the tapas bar pretty

rate. I did,

was up

—an

bustling from brick oven to

block to granite

To

and choosing among the dizzying array of

sangria

when

dishes,

some boring seminars on

I

military

preparedness." I

found out

later that

crew had assumed that afforded

cured

me uncommonly good

service,

—

and students were

.

the only day

for the federal

urn."

earnest stare

and

likely se-

when

I

Cuban

instructors, shadows,

officially off duty.

"Doing what?" he .

and

Chris.

government,"

deadly dreary sound of it and wishing

.

misperception

do?" Chris asked over breakfast at a

diner one Sunday

"It's

of the tapas bar

critic, a

I

my first date with

work

rest

was a restaurant

"What do you

"I

Chris and the

said, despising the

could

tell

him

the truth.

asked.

picked at

his

I

I

my

frittata,

uncommon good

distracted

by

Chris's

looks. "Well, I'm train-

ing to be a diplomat, you know, overseas."

"Wow." Chris seemed genuinely impressed. He'd never traveled any farther than Jackson,

Ole Miss.

When

I

told

him

I'd

where he went

to college at

gone to Harvard and

lived for

a while in Bulgaria, a place he'd never heard of (and evidently

equated with the land where no children are allowed, from the

BLOWING MY COVER Van Dyke movie-musical

old Dick

he was bowled "I've

day, at

141

Chitty Chitty

Bang Bang),

over.

never met anyone like you," he said at the end of the

which we spent walking

an outdoor petting zoo.

That

night,

question.

I

idly

around downtown, and

"When

couldn't sleep as

can I

I

see

later

you again?"

anguished over that very

Then I began to scheme and plot. We had been warned

never to break the "no personal use of one's governmentrented vehicle" mandate, but If we

it

made

all

of our

lives miserable.

wanted, for example, to head an hour south to Virginia

Beach

for a

weekend

we would

respite,

first

have to drive three

hours back to Washington, drop off the rental personal

car,

way odyssey

car,

pick up a

and drive four hours back, repeating

this high-

in reverse the following day.

"Rental cars are to

be used for casing and operational purposes only!"

hammered At

first,

Adam

had

into our heads.

none of us took the

excursions to Busch Gardens

rule seriously;

amusement park and Virginia

Beach. But, inevitably, someone had to be

Some poor guy drove home minute, decided to stop purchase for his

at

— no doubt

we planned

for the

made an example.

weekend and,

at the last

Tysons Corner shopping mall to neglected

—

girlfriend a small gift.

Leaving Victorias Secret, he had the misfortune of running into Etta,

one of the

battle-axes

from

Human

Resources

who

served as a sort of den mother to the CSTs.

"What wrapped "I

are

you doing here?" Etta asked, eyeing the

tissue-

parcel.

came home

for the

weekend, and stopped to buy

my

LINDSAYMORAN

142

girlfriend a gift,"

he answered honestly.

had processed the paperwork

program

to have

days

later,

Etta

him removed from

the

for violating regulations.

when

Etta was notoriously heartless. Back

my

over Sasho, struggling to maintain

while also abiding by the Agency guidance. lifter?"

Two

"Why

she said.

climber,"

don't I'd

you

I'd

been

fretting

relationship with

rules,

I

had gone

him

to Etta for

just lose this worthless weight-

designated Sahso's occupation as "rock

and assumed she

didn't

make

the distinction. "East-

ern Europeans cannot be trusted," said Etta, herself a Cold

War

relic,

escorting

Once we

me

to the door.

learned the unfortunate fate of the well-meaning

guy with the bra-and-panty

we

set,

took very seriously the

all

personal car usage rule. "If you're hemorrhaging internally and

coughing up blood," joked Ethan, "you'd better hospital. Etta

might be

trolling the

Most personal errands dry

cleaner's,

complished

—buying

we were

to say that, after

I

met

"casing" the nearby city

At the time,

I

Chris,

thought

ship.

Many

—could be

ac-

was

"casing" an area. Suffice

falling in love.

was starved

and

in

it

lived.

for

I

hadn't dated

male companion-

of the other trainees were married, with albeit

creasingly forsaken wives, If the

I I

home

spent nearly every weekend

I

where he

anyone since Sasho, and

tampons, going to the call

assured, during our surveillance-

we were

detection routes, or while

cab to the

emergency ward parking lot."

using a pay phone to

legally,

hail a

some

cases children, at

workload was not overwhelming, they'd drive back

their families late Friday afternoon.

in-

home. to

BLOWING MY COVER

143

My friends in Washington had written me off as flaky and unreliable. On the rare Until Chris,

when

occasions

with

my

my

I

had nowhere

I

else to go.

did go back to D.C.,

hung out

I

primarily

mother, but she'd become irritatingly concerned for

psychological well-being. "I don't like

doing to you," she said more than once.

what

this place

like you're

"It's

is

shut

off from the rest of the world." Naturally,

me

bohemian bachelor

preferred to drive to Chris's

I

pad, where he

would smoke pot (though

delicious dinners.

My

never did) and cook

I

only responsibility was sneaking

from the herb

into his neighbor's yard to steal rosemary

den. Chris and

I

would

sit

out on the balcony and have long,

pretentious conversations about the beauty of ings such as the I

in

came

one that led

to rely

on

Chris,

to

from

my only link to

could never answer:

that,

Why

I

middle of the night? Where was

phone number he could up with a

call?

say, this

Chris had

did

random meet-

our acquaintance.

an unhealthy way. Needless to

relationship. Aside

gar-

the outside world,

put a strain on our

many questions

that

I

always have to leave in the I

going?

Why didn't

How was it that

I

I

have a

always showed

different car? (For "operational security,"

we

fre-

quently had to switch out our rentals.) I

always had

the lying

had

told,

was

some explanation

corrosive.

I

for

my

bizarre behavior, but

quickly lost track of what untruths

and became increasingly uncommunicative and,

I

in

Chris's view, untrustworthy. I

had hoped that

me more attractive

my fly-by-night inaccessibility would make to Chris.

Nobody could

accuse

me of being

LINDSAY MORAN

144

me and my situa-

"too available." But over time, Chris found tion less alluring than baffling.

be honest with you," he said one night

"I've got to

showed up unexpectedly, listening to

I'm not sure this

is

on

sitting

his couch,

intrigue

me, but

I

said.

"Of course

it's

going to work."

the world, preparing tapas for ambassadors

other dignitaries while

have

to,"

mile away. "Lindsay,

prowled about anonymously by night.

I

my

Chris said, smelling

I've

at the restaurant

met somebody. She

with me."

my back. The thought of Chris's

He

desperation a

lives here.

"somebody" crushed me; she life,

What was

went, and

I? I

lied constantly

was somebody

and

I

"Okay,"

I

I

later, I

was somebody whose job was somebody not

was back in

him

that

"That's

I

my vision

why

I

to be

realized,

myself up.

"It's

okay."

A

few

blurred by tears.

called Chris

actually

I

my rental car, driving again toward and asked

to see

him

again.

ing to salvage the relationship, at our next meeting to

who

did.

said, straightening

later, I

Williamsburg,

Days

Clearly,

I

thought.

I

wouldn't have wanted somebody like me,

any more than Chris

minutes

who came and

instinctively.

was to use other people.

She

began gently rubbing

was probably somebody who led a normal

trusted.

and

has to work!"

it

"It doesn't

works

were

already decided that Chris was going to follow

I'd

me around "Chris,

We

I

going to work."

"What do you mean?!" Somehow,

late.

Wilco and drinking wine. "You

when

worked

for the

Hop-

I

revealed

I

pleaded

CIA.

come and go with no warning,"

BLOWINGMYCOVER over an untouched platter of sushi. "That's

first,

why I

have ten

Chris appeared relieved and even impressed. For

the next few weeks,

we

resurrected our relationship: taking

long walks on weekends; playing with his nippy

among the fallen October leaves; afternoon, before dusk,

But

in the

end

weightiness of

sharing a

when I had

to

became

to

hang out with

who

friends

last

beer

head back

could only share so

I

my job

much

to

who

little

dog

on Sunday

The Farm.

with Chris. The

a source of stress to

than anything genuinely intriguing or

worked;

dif-

no damn phone."

ferent cars but

At

745

attractive.

him

rather

Chris wanted

could talk about where they

weren't petrified of inhaling secondhand pot

smoke; whose eyes didn't dart around looking for "shadows."

At some point,

sham and

I

think Chris took the whole

started to

worry that

I

CIA story to

be a

was either dangerous or delu-

sional, or both.

Eventually he retreated altogether, was suddenly "very busy" every time

I

called; this

from a guy who made

out of concerted idleness.

I

started driving

the weekends, always feeling a Chris's

smooth southern accent

—

me as of Mom. to

pang of regret.

I

—

his voice

a second career

back to D.C. on I

was

ached like

to hear

bourbon

headed north, toward the secondary comfort

5 IX

Alec

and I are tromping around

the pedestrian district

nial Williamsburg, licking our ice-cream cones dirt.

He

and has

is

dressed in a

ice

cream in

Hawaiian

shirt

and

of Colo-

kicking up

and white golfers

his pencil-thin mustache.

slacks,

I am about eight

months pregnant. We're in disguise,

masquerading in public as a

tourist couple.

In addition to this enormous pillow I've got strapped around

my

waist underneath a muumuu-style jumper, I'm wearing a frizzy

red wig and large 1970s-style sunglasses. Glancing in a shop win-

dow, I realize that I look

less like

a pregnant

woman

than a fat,

deranged clown.

Our sion,

outfits

who

come

courtesy

arrived at The

"This here could

of the Agency's

Farm

official disguise divi-

earlier today.

make anyone

look like a

moo-hodge-AH-

BLOWING MY COVER deen, "says a

woman

tity engineer. "

who's introduced herselfas

She proudly displays what looks

"altered-iden-

me

to

like

a

typi-

Toys

Us.

"These masks are handmade, " the

months

takes

to

woman goes

manufacture and costs

"The fleecing ofAmerica, is

an

mask that you could buy for twenty bucks at

cal Halloween

"R"

147

"Its

in the disguise shop.

the break, while our classmates stroke

Ophelia

multi-thousand-dollar masks,

me

where she gives

"Each one

Ophelia whispers audibly. Ophelia

"

an acquaintance of someone who works

During

on.

thousands ofdollars.

and ogle

and I

the other

retreat

outside,

the inside scoop.

a bunch of would-be cosmeticians who cant find work at

the local

Hair

Pair, "

boondoggle for them.

Ophelia

Ophelia

have dispersed

and I return

to the

"The CIA

My friend says all they do

day, giving each other pedicures

When

says.

wardrobe, makeup,

Were supposed to spend the

rest

the ultimate

is fart

and styling each

to the classroom,

is

around all

others hair.

ourfellow trainees

and accessories stations.

of the day growing accustomed to

whatever disguise has been engineered particularly for

us.

I won-

der what gave them the idea I should be pregnant. "Ahhl This

is

curly red mass

Alec cent

is

and

great for you,

"

the wigs

offake hair over

now hamming it

says as she pulls

a

up: talking in a loud, midwestern ac-

giving some halter-topped

field trip to

woman

my head.

schoolgirls,

obviously on a

Colonial Williamsburg, the hairy eyeball.

He couldpass

for a sleazy used-car salesman, or just a plain old-fashioned pervert.

I put

my arm

seum, which

is

through his

and

lead us into Ye Olde Tyme

Mu-

designed to look like a slave-quarter kitchen. Just

beyond the butter churn, we spot Ophelia, with some outrageous

LINDSAY MORAN

748

hair extensions that

make her

look like Rick James,

and Ethan,

sporting a full beard that hangs lopsided off his reddened, sweat-

and wide-brimmed

ing face. With his black suit looks like

When

we both

Ethan's eyes meet mine,

can hardly believe I'm getting paid

(gradually,

I

to

have

burst out laughing. I this

settled into a routine at

—long runs through

at the base pool,

job.

I

my

the woods, early-morning swims

nightly bike rides with Ethan

membered

as

evoked.

I

I

knew

throughout

officers

schooled in spying.

wondered

I

that here

CIA

was where

history

if years later I

I

found

The most impressive among them, was assigned to be

from the other

likable

would be

and even

Bill differentiated

named himself

by refraining from making inap-

Much

to

my personal

delight,

sometimes even openly contradicted Adam. Since

The Farm was merely

would

fended.

tell it like it is,

Famous

ironically, Bill

re-

inspiring.

a legendary recruiter

my mentor.

instructors

propriate cracks or sexist slurs.

tenure at

all

had been

one of them.

A few of our instructors

Bill

—when

basked, albeit prematurely, in a sense of nostalgia that

of the great case

Bill

be-

moments of

forget that, sooner or later, I'd actually have to do this

The Farm somehow

Bill,

willing

my world was

increasingly insular. For sure, there were

serenity

would

much fun.

The Farm,

myself to ignore the disquieting sense that

coming

black hat, he

an Amish man.

his

a segue into early retirement,

no matter

whom

for having acquired a record

he opposed or

of-

number of scalps,

was the only instructor who took seriously

my

BLOWING MY COVER moral qualms about recruiting, and

149

who had

supported

my

someone,"

Bill

short-lived bid to switch to Reports.

tremendous

"I get a

said

when

I first

thrill

each time

my

confessed

how you would

stand, intellectually,

I

recruit

misgivings. "But

can under-

I

not."

A bit old-fashioned, Bill thought women should not be case officers in

any event.

my daughter doing this,"

would never want

"I

more than once.

"I can't

count the number of times

get dressed in the middle of the night

male case

officer

morning," he

I've

me

had

and rush off to save a

to fe-

from some libidinous Arab agent.

woman call me in hysterics "When I got there, she was

had one young

"I

Bill told

said.

at

two

in the

being chased

around the hotel room by a sheikh."

At I

first, I

only alluded to

spoke openly to him.

He

my doubts with

always listened empathetically, and

provided thoughtful and reasoned advice. love of the job, Bill right for

he saw

me.

its

"It's

the best

matter his

matter his

own

it

own

might not be

allegiance to the Agency,

drawbacks.

"Don't lose yourself to

me.

No

was willing to consider that

And no

but in time,

Bill,

not worth

it.

among us will

that the Agency's only

this place, Lindsay," Bill

once said to

Even within the walls of Headquarters, quickly be forgotten."

famous

spies

He reminded me

were the

failures

and the

traitors. Bill's

parting words, during one of our

meetings,

would echo

end of your

career,

in

my mind

last

for years to

one-on-one

come: "At the

be careful on your way out that the revolv-

ing door doesn't hit

you

in the ass."

LINDSAY MORAN

750

Ethan and

I

were barreling

down Route 64 toward Virginia

Beach, flagrantly breaking the "no use of rental cars for personal

purposes" rule, since the beach lay

our operating

about with Chris, area, or

—

a

At

area.

more

I

had

least

far outside the confines I

might have claimed that

likely lie

—

I

my car had

that

of

been caught gamboling

was "casing" the broken

down en

route to D.C. But Virginia Beach was the opposite direction. If caught,

we'd be in

real trouble.

wonder what's compelling me

"I

whom

Ethan,

I'd

to

somehow convinced

do

this?" I

my

to be

had

to ask

partner in

crime. "Especially so late in the program."

"You want

you

to

to test fate,"

Ethan

said. "If

you

get kicked out,

don't have to decide for yourself to leave."

"Well,

what about you?"

"I just

want

to test

we

what we've

Ethan

learned,"

make

sure

After

months of training, we were supposed

this rare free

trip,

city,

implementing

learned.

The

entire class

phia.

I

travel to

was disappointed

less alluring locale,

train.

a

for

to be

all

alias in

of the tradecraft

had been

split into

spending

our "away

we would be operating in

known

which would

want

don't get caught."

weekend mentally gearing up

During the away

said. "I

trip."

an un-

tactics

we'd

two groups, one of

San Francisco, the other to Philadelto

mere

draw Philly, which seemed five

to

me the

hours north of Williamsburg by

While most students chose

to travel

by

air

—

in part to

practice navigating airport security in alias, but also because

the

Agency would foot the

bill

for business-class tickets

—

BLOWING MY COVER opted to take the

train. It left

and

surveillance training,

I

from the

thought

I

151

where we'd done

city

might want one

last

chance to see Chris.

With

the

weekend

off,

many

their families. I'd decided that

We

beach.

left

the base and

students were

Ethan and

made

home

visiting

should go to the

I

off as if we were driving to

D.C. Once we were sure we weren't being followed, Ethan

made an abrupt U-turn and we "It

is

kind of

like we're

started heading south.

making use of our

training,"

I

suggested.

With

"Exactly!"

whipped up

hair I

slunk

"Like

the convertible's top folded back, Ethan's

in the wind. "Is that

down deep

that's

in

gonna

my seat,

Adam's car behind us?"

and Ethan

started laughing.

help!" he said. "If that asshole sees us,

we're toast."

Adam

But tors.

like

did not see

Ethan and

I

nor did any of the other instruc-

spent a glorious day at the beach

among

dolphins

us,

the waves and,

later,

boardwalk, stuffing our faces with fried dough and as the I

It

sun

set

couldn't

among

the

an all-nighter,

as

last

time

I

felt

chill

members of

many of the

advantage was being able to write:

Tornado an hour.

hand them

Sally,

ice

cream

in

happy or

the

so free.

And

I

class. I'd

others routinely did.

slew of asinine fake correspondences, run check, and

so

stressed-out I'd become.

probably one of the more

secret

diving

on the

the dunes.

remember

dawned on me how

to pull

—

strolling

I'd draft

yet

My

the entire

them through

spell-

without a second glance. Others,

would anguish over

was

like

a single sentence for about

LINDSAY MORAN

152

Most of

the trainees looked as

because, in fact, they hadn't.

if

And

they hadn't slept in days,

everyone, even Jin Suk, had

gained weight since the time of our

Army PT

Recruit-

test.

ment and surveillance-detection training were to blame for the of doing nothing but driving from

collective pork-out: days

one Dunkin' Donuts

to the next, eating out of paper bags

one

day and ingesting another alcohol-soused and fat-permeated developmental luncheon the next, then spending hours on

end with

one's butt

to joke that

bonded

soon our

permanently lodged

doubled

over, chairs

asses

to a swivel chair.

would be

of spy

protruding from our gargantuan back-

At the end of Ethan's and telltale

I

would

All night long, I

say,

we

Ethan dropped

next day,

my

day

at the beach,

sunburns and sand-swept

Driving north,

night,

elite

cadre

trainees.

sported

The

used

I

become

our work chairs and we'd have to walk

in

This puffed-out, flabby group was the CIA's

sides.

care.

Ethan and

so large, they'd

me

The Farm

didn't

and, later that

off at a motel by the train station.

take the train north to Philly.

resisted the urge to call Chris.

I

anyway? Hi,

bypassed

we both

But we

hair.

this is Alice

traveling in alias, of course.)

motel in his hometown

.

.

.

What would

um, I mean Lindsay.

(I

was

My sudden appearance at a sleazy

—under

a false

only confirm Chris's suspicions: that

I

name, no

less

—would

was a nutcase,

stalker,

convict, or cop. I

thought about heading over to the tapas

pretty sure Chris

would be working

would be the point?

bar,

where

dinner, but again,

I'm almost done with training,

I

I

was

what

thought.

I'll

LOWING MY COVER be overseas within a year. There was rect a relationship that already I

rate

no point

had died one

in trying to resur-

slow, painful death.

spent the night eating Domino's pizza, watching second-

porn

card

—

slightly anxious that the charge

would designate

everything with cash

Obviously,

I

open telephone I

153

my

supposed

would

"adult film,"

—and

insisted

I

my alias

credit

on paying

for

feeling vaguely sorry for myself.

couldn't identify myself as "Lindsay" over an line, so there

was

really

no way

mother would recognize

link Alice Applegate's

phone number, which would detected, earn

on

room

to

to call anyone.

my voice, but that my mother's home

constitute poor tradecraft and, if

me a whopping slew of lesters. Traveling in

alias

turned out to be more boring and lonely than cool.

The next cash,

day,

I

bought a round-trip

and headed north

to Philly. I'd never

ington, D.C., a city around south,

and

I

train ticket, again using

which

I'd

approached Wash-

grown up, from the

was stunned by how majestic and beautiful

it

was.

Seeing the Capitol dome, the stark point of the Washington

Monument, and swelled with country,

I

the Lincoln

momentary

Memorial

pride. /

am

in the distance,

going

to

be serving

thought. This country that I truly do believe

in the world.

behind the

No

one will know exactly what I'm up

scenes,

doing important

In Philly, as elsewhere, surveillance.

This time,

be retiree golfers,

FBI agents,

as in

infinitely

veillance techniques.

we were

we were

to,

is

I

my

the best

but

I'll

be

things.

to

be constantly on

told, the

alert for

shadows would not

Williamsburg, but honest-to-goodness

more honed and

discreet in their sur-

LINDSAY MORAN

154

dropped

I

my

my baggage off at

appointment, dinner

first

the hotel concierge at a

veloping for weeks now, and

whom

me

solidify

"To

of our relationship,"

and

to pitch

recruit

I

whom

him

suited to

life as

to

work

seriously

conducted in French, no Dressed in a

and formalize the nature

We both knew I planned

for the

CIA.

amateur thespian than the second-rate case

relished our

and

been de-

played by an elderly instructor, more

he was reputed to have been.

ficer

I'd

had convinced to meet

I

had told him.

The ambassador was

my

He

pompous

less

—

took

discussions

—sometimes

and nervously twisting

winter-chapped

fingers,

I

a pearl

approached

the hostess's stand in this fancy seafood restaurant that

researched in advance, and

whose address

ambassador on a scrap of paper back gave

you I

my name, Alice Applegate,

nario? "I

a

one waiting

are the

was stunned. Was

Or had

am,"

I

I,

said,

for

all

at

I

Ambassador

had

I

had provided the

The Farm. When

to the maitre d',

he

said,

I

"Oh,

Leroi?"

of Philadelphia in on our hokey sce-

too, totally lost sense

unsure

of-

his role-playing

over cigarettes and port.

stylish black suit

necklace between

to

fancy restaurant with the

Malevolencian ambassador to Vaingloria,

in this "foreign" city.

and ran

if I

of reality?

should be truthful, or

if this

was

test.

The

me

maitre d' reached into his jacket pocket and provided

a note:

Meet me at Le Bee-Fin

Le Bee-Fin

—

in twenty minutes! M. Leroi

located a twenty-minute cab ride away,

opposite side of town restaurant, something

—

on the

turned out to be an intimate French

like

on the night he intended

where a

man might

to propose.

When

take a I

woman

arrived,

I

in-

BLOWING MY COVER stantly spotted Leroi, sipping

155

from a goblet of red wine

at a far

corner table. Shit,

I

thought. Surely

I'll

be dockedfor

this.

For some stupid

reason or another, Leroi must have objected to the seafood

which

restaurant,

ample

I'd selected after careful

he thought

research. Perhaps

crowded a venue mental meeting?

in I

which

would

more expensive meal,

it

consideration and

was too central and

conduct an advanced develop-

to

realize later that Leroi just

as well as the

wanted a

opportunity to order din-

ner in his cultivated French.

As

we

usual,

appetizers

and

shared a bottle of wine, then had an array of a three-course meal, followed

dessert. If American taxpayers

During the

had any idea how much money

up CIA

goes toward fattening

by brandy and

retirees, they'd surely protest.

entirety of the dinner,

Ambassador Leroi and

I

danced around the topic of Vaingloria, both more interested in discussing

life,

Ambassador worried that

literature,

I'd

calibre? he said at

idea ficer

will

last.

your decidement seedy I'd

you meet someone of your

"Roving about the world aimlessly

.

.

in

career."

target should

know

wants, leading up to the

at the pitch

.

never formally "broken cover" with Leroi, the

was that the

recruitment.

had grown

and openly.

do wonder how

Although

to order next.

not yet found a husband, a concern he ex-

pressed frequently "I

and what

Leroi, over the past several weeks,

precisely

moments

what a

case of-

before an official

A potential agent shouldn't learn for the first time

meeting that

Somewhere along

he's

been collaborating with the CIA.

the line, the case officer ought to have

LINDSAYMORAN

156

dropped enough hints

for the target to have figured that

out.

A potential

after

he gradually accepts

asset's

much

willingness to continue to meet, even

propen-

his complicity, represents his

sity to take risks. "I guess finding a

My

now."

husband

hand went

worry beads.

"I figure

is

my

for

find

I'll

not so important to

me

right

necklace, as if the pearls were

someone

eventually, or he'll

find me."

down

"Tsk, tsk," Leroi put close to

wine goblet and leaned

in

me. "You're not getting any younger, mademoiselle."

"Clearly,"

Whereas

I

said testily.

initially

I

I

grown weary of

I'd

was anxious

our meal to end. gallant, es-

some of the boorish other his proselytizing

motherhood when he was supposed

become

for

had found Leroi charming and

pecially in juxtaposition to tors,

his

instruc-

matrimony and

to be teaching

me how to

a spy.

now I am thinking more of my career." I signaled the waiter to bring me the check. (We had learned never to let an in"Right

structor

pay the

bill,

one

surefire

way to

"I'm also concerned for the good of

the entire exercise.)

fail

my

country,"

Leroi. "As well as the future of your country, in

its

I

said to

increasingly

precarious position, Mr. Ambassador." "You're a very clever girl." Leroi settled back in his seat.

When

the waiter arrived with the check, the ambassador or-

dered a cognac. "But your priorities bitably en melange.

For the next half hour, less

occasions

At some

—

point,

I

—

endured

as

I

Leroi's unsolicited advice

it

moment

at the

are indu-

"

had done on countabout

dawned on me: Not only was

my I

love

life.

not getting

BLOWINGMYCOVER any

757

closer to recruiting Leroi that night, Leroi

was addressing

himself to Lindsay Moran, not Alice Applegate.

Sometime around midnight, with both of and Leroi s Franglais growing

me

and

less

less

us bleary-eyed

coherent, Leroi

pick up the well over two-hundred-dollar check.

only

fifty left in cash, I

minding myself not

common

A

my card,

"Your credit card

My face

I

my

true

name, a

the waiter returned to the table and

pinched is

distastefully

between two

canceled," he sneered.

fin-

"They said you

bill."

reddened; never in

The CIAs

my life

had

I

had a

credit card

Office of Budget and Finance was sup-

posed to take care of our course

With

alias credit card, re-

to unthinkingly sign

later,

have not paid your

rejected.

my

case officer blunder.

few minutes

handed back gers.

handed over

let

alias credit-card bills, a fact that

way of explanation with

could not share by

of

this irate

waiter.

"There must be some mistake." assortment of five- and ten-dollar

"We

have tried

it

the very

bills.

rolled his eyes

throat tightened: This

lesters, at

"Can you

try

would

and pulled out

it

again?"

his wallet.

smattering of

result in a

least.

The following morning, a note had been the hotel concierge:

L'

left

ambassador has taken the

recting your last night's faux pas. Leroi

someone

my pitiful

fingered through

several times," the waiter said loudly.

Ambassador Leroi

My

I

for

me

liberty

of cor-

must have informed

in the Office of Budget and Finance about

predicament.

When

shop cover stop

I

tried

—where

I

with

my alias credit card

my

again, at a pet-

purchased a leather-studded collar

LINDSAYMORAN

758

for a

dog

didn't

I

—

have

I

was

when

relieved

the card was at

once accepted.

n addition

I

also

to the task of recruiting Leroi that week,

I

supposed to obtain from formerly recruited Barry,

code-named BTMYSTIFY, a computer

diskette.

I

was

was

now

to use

an ancient and nearly defunct tradecraft technique called the "dead drop." This entailed chalk

mark on

me

first

making

a "safety signal," a

a predesignated telephone pole, indicating to

make

Barry that he should

the drop within twenty-four hours.

Barry then would deposit, in yet another predesignated location, the

computer

diskette,

which he should have concealed

chunk of Styrofoam.

in a fake rock that I'd crafted out of a

I

had provided Barry the faux rock, painted and adorned with dirt

and

"sites,"

leaf fragments, along

after arriving in Philadelphia.

Once Barry made this time, scattered

—

of the signal and drop

all

during a "brief encounter" with Barry in an elevator,

two days

site

with

indicating as

the drop, he should give

orange Tic Tacs,

much.

I

would

at

indicating to Barry that

was

well.

performed I

I

Of course, none if I

had

a signal

another prearranged

retrieve the fake

immediately follow up with yet another signal

open and a red towel drying off

me

my

hotel

retrieved the

—

rock and

the curtains

room balcony drop and that

all

of these operational tasks could be

was under surveillance, so

for the next three days

conducted a kind of uninterrupted multimode surveillance-

detection route in and around Philadelphia.

One day,

as

I

was skulking about the waterfront

area,

I

spot-

BLOWING MY COVER ted a

woman whom

earlier

on a bench, pretending Over the next hour,

my hotel about an hour Now she was stationed

seen close to

I'd

and on the other

159

side of town.

to read a newspaper.

I

was followed by

"shadows," some on foot, some

a

team of at

in a white

spotted in the distance again and again.

would not be I

servicing

would attempt

I

already

my signal site for that day,

— —each and

to "burn"

distinguishing info about

that

is,

least ten

Chevy van

identify

and

so

that

I

knew

I

decided

I

much

get as

every one of my pursuers

by dragging them around town. I

knew we were not supposed

under surveillance, but

team a run

for

its

I

to

do anything

money. As

exited the waterfront area, the

I

bench lady lurking somewhere not flagged

down

a taxi that

the leather seat,

I

far

behind,

had been whizzing

commanded

most circuitous route

alerting while

couldn't resist the urge to give the

quickly

I

by. Sliding across

the driver to take me, via the

of

possible, to the other side

the rearview mirror, meanwhile,

I

Philly. In

could see the bench lady

looking around desperately for another available tachioed

man who had been

now was

talking into the collar of his

stationed behind a

taxi.

A mus-

phone booth

Members Only

jacket,

where a microphone surely was hidden. "Ha!"

I

said out loud as the taxi sped across town.

tain exhilaration,

even though

I

the surveillance team. Fifteen minutes coffee in a deli,

I

them got up

later, as I

was shocked to perceive

of the team casually walking

felt

down

now had

at least

a cer-

to lose

stopped for

two members

the street outside, both of

in entirely different outfits

merly brunet bench lady

I

knew the point was not

from

before.

The

for-

a head of long golden tresses

LINDSAY MORAN

160

cascading from beneath a white tennis visor.

Members Only man was suddenly a plaid blazer.

look

The

These guys

are good,

rarely

would be switched

thought.

I

clean-shaven and sporting

we'd learned weeks before, was to

trick,

which

at the shoes,

The mustachioed

paid for

I

out.

my coffee and con-

my route, this time hopping on a crosstown bus. These

tinued on

elaborate surveillance-detection routes were supposed to have

been meticulously planned in advance, pace and turn, but

Sometime

at this

point

I

and dark

"Oh my!"

glasses

to the very last

was pretty much winging

later that afternoon, I'd just

into Philadelphia's historic district suits

down

when

it.

rounded

a corner

men

in black

three

surrounded me.

gasped a rotund midwestern lady who'd just pur-

chased a dozen miniature Liberty Bells that went spilling to the ground. "You're under arrest,"

one of the Feds

duced handcuffs and began

"What

for?!"

reciting

my Miranda rights.

was peripherally aware of a

I

nese tourists, elbowing one another out of the ter

snapshot of the scene.

It

seemed

Another pro-

said.

as if I

cluster

way to

of Japa-

get a bet-

could hear a thousand

shutters going off.

"Drugs. Dealing," one of the Federal Agents

—produced

Irish-looking

guy

bore the

name Moran. "We have

last

drop something

in a

his badge,

—

a big, beefy,

which coincidentally

witnesses

dumpster the other

day.

who saw you

We

retrieved

nearly three kilos of cocaine." Intellectually,

I

knew

this

must be

a ruse, but

nonetheless. I'd never been arrested before,

public venue.

I

let

I

was shaking

alone in such a

thought dejectedly about the dozen or so

home

BLOWINGMYCOVER slide

shows

Japan

—

which

in

the frowzy, handcuffed

me

lady.

obviously intending to

said,

up.

"Alice Applegate."

I

handed over

my wallet,

containing

"When's your birthday, Alice?" For the next

of

Moran

my

fired off questions that

would

What were my

alias identity.

number,

my

documentation.

entire alias

utes,

1

appear somewhere in

later

American

Moran

"What's your name?" trip

would

I

16

test

address,

my parents' names and addresses of my family members?

several

min-

my knowledge my telephone

and birthdays, the

astrological signs

The crowd of spectators, meanwhile, had grown I

think

Moran

my cause,

might

started to fear that the onlookers

since

I

significant. rally to

was being exceptionally cooperative and not

a shred of evidence

had been produced. Probably

me

disperse the crowd, he led

to

in order to

an unmarked

car,

idling

across the street.

There,

sat in the

I

backseat flanked by the two

Moran continued

Feds, while

steering wheel.

Where was

I

to question staying,

anonymous

me from

behind the

and what was

my

busi-

ness in Philadelphia?

"I'm a consultant,"

I

said,

and backpack (mercifully material) to

would not

"Yeah."

Moran

we can

sneakers,

me. "I'm on a scouting

as a place to

smirked.

open up

"Do you have any

a

new

trip

office."

contact

num-

call?"

Luckily, during the week,

agencies

my jeans,

now void of signal site and dead drop

totally betray

check out Philadelphia

bers

hoping that

and office-supply

I

had stopped by

stores, precisely in

several

temp

order to bolster

LINDSAY MORAN

162

my cover story. I'd even given out a few fake Now I readily provided Moran the addresses numbers of places

down on

"Why

don't

you

said to the Federal

While the

my backpack.

in

Agent on

Moran

What

if

no one

to be taking this

whole

my right.

was made,

I felt

anxious.

remembered me? These guys seemed thing very seriously. Could

joints?"

some of these

start calling

first call

and telephone

information conveniently jotted

I'd visited,

notebook

a

business cards.

be sure that

I

this wasn't for real?

Luckily, at each establishment, the owner, manager, or at least a store clerk

had

left

remembered

businesswoman who indeed

a

her card sometime in the

last forty-eight

"Couldn't forget a stupid-sounding gate,"

one of the

The Fed

name

hours.

like Alice

Apple-

store proprietors reportedly said.

my

also called

whose concierge

hotel,

much prompting, I was alarmed

to discover

—without

—provided

a slew

of information about me, including the array of purchases

I'd

made from

re-

turned

the minibar

at the

and the observation that

end of each

day,

I

when

I

often appeared frazzled and

harried.

Moran

Finally,

started

up the

our unmarked vehicle wove

downtown ally

Philly.

me

throw

phone

call?

Moran

I

felt

in jail?

car.

among

my throat

And,

Who would I

if so,

even

Nobody

said a

word

as

the crowded streets of

tightening.

would they

Would let

they

re-

me make

a

call?

pulled the car to a halt at the edge of the relatively

deserted shipping dock area. Shit,

I

thought.

Maybe

they're

not Federal Agents at

all.

BLOWING MY COVER Maybe

they're just

a

of sex

trio

163

and

offenders,

I'm about to get

gang-raped.

"Good

job, kiddo,"

stepped out, allowing

know

And

you stood up

that

with

marked

Moran

that,

said, as

one of the other Feds

to exit the car.

to the test.

No

closed the tinted

"I'll let

your Agency

holes in your story."

windows and the un-

car peeled away.

walked

I

Moran

me

for several meters along the

windy

waterfront,

looking out over the endless expanse of opaque water with flotsam and jetsam bobbing toward the horizon.

about

how

overseas.

close

I

was

past several months, I'd been rejuvenated

yeah, but

it

meant

I'm

loneliness.

do with

my

thought

life.

Maybe I'll be so

care that I'm

Farther

this stuff I

on

my

down

it.

Maybe I can

satisfied

by the away

giddily.

seems like I might be good at

to

thought

completing training and going back

to

my enthusiasm had ebbed and flowed over the

While

/ can do all

I

its

It's

all

Maybe

trip.

a big game, this is

what

learn to overcome the

with myself that I won't even

own.

the quay,

I

bought a hot dog from a stand and

an extra bun to break into pieces and feed to the pigeons.

found a bench upon which

must have

I

sat for

I

more than an

hour, gazing out at the sea. Sasho's forgotten. Chris doesn't

I'm going to start

I

he

last

a new

life full

ofpromise and excitement.

night of our away

each other around town

matter anymore. I'm going away.

trip,

managed

those of us who'd spotted to spread the

word and

get

LINDSAYMORAN

164

together for an

Another

rendezvous

illicit

now

motto, "Lie, cheat and

steal,

ries

by the waterfront.

flagrant violation of the rules, but

with our successes, and

caught."

at a bar

we were

but, whatever

Over many rounds of frothy

all

you do,

drafts,

cocky

with the

fully indoctrinated

DO

don't get

we swapped

about the trumped-up charges the FBI had used to

sto-

arrest

who somehow

each and every one of us, with the exception of Ethan,

—

planting his dead drop under the guise of jogging

had outrun three Federal Agents.

We at

were

all

The Farm

high on self-confidence

week,

we were

seizures,

As was scripted

for "crisis phase."

scenario, Vaingloria

when we

would erupt

arrived back in the

into civil war.

mock

During

this

subject to a steady succession of searches,

and roadblocks. Meanwhile, we were supposed

to

keep Washington constantly informed with hourly "situation reports."

The

idea was to

up the

stress

prohibit any student from sleeping

ante even higher and to

more than two or

three

hours a night.

During

this time,

I

grew concerned

for Ethan.

we'd had to cease our revivifying midnight

Ethan seemed to be cracking under the

Of course,

bicycle jaunts,

strain.

and

His eyes were

always red-rimmed and he was perpetually pissed

off,

mutter-

ing about the "asshole collaborators" and "those fucking Vainglorian dickheads."

It

seemed

to

me

he might be losing

himself to the absurd construct of The Farm.

Quietly but fiercely competitive, he was also anguished by the astonishing final

number of

lesters he'd

few weeks of training.

I

racked up during the

had only two

lesters,

the credit-card fiasco (which was not even really

my

one

for

fault,

I

BLOWINGMYCOVER

165

thought somewhat resentfully) and one from several weeks

when

earlier,

forgotten to provide a promising Russian

I'd

walk-in a recontact number. Poor Sally must have had at a dozen lesters. a

more

No

everyone

patriotic or dedicated

and so

ganization,

would

Still,

knew

that

you couldn't find

young woman

—no matter her

least

failings

in the entire or-

—

the instructors

surely let her pass.

family members, spouses, or significant others were

lowed to attend our graduation from The Farm. bother me, as cut off as

CIA Deutch

—

al-

didn't really

had become.

I

George Tenet,

director

comparison to

especially in

It

popular

at

that

time

his disastrous predecessor,

John

gave a few inspiring remarks about the courageous

path upon which

we were about

mood was dampened

slightly

to embark.

by the

The momentous

fact that the

Murder

Board had eliminated one of our classmates, without warning

and

for

tion.

no evident

As the

rest

reason, twenty-four hours prior to gradua-

of us readied ourselves for celebration at the

base bar, our former classmate was being escorted to the gates

with her luggage in hand. Before heading to the bar,

I

stopped off to see

Bill, as

he'd

requested, in his office.

"You did very

you know,"

well,

graduating at the top of the That's fine,

anyway, even

I

thought.

if it

meant

I

class,

Bill said to

second to Jin Suk."

would never want

to be like Jin

"Are you happy you stuck I

am.

I

really

Suk

a slightly less burnished reputation at

the Agency.

"Yeah,

me. "You're

am."

it

out?"

Bill said.

LINDSAYMORAN

166

"Good, then.

I

guess

I

can look

at

you

as

my last successful

recruitment."

"Where

are

you going?"

grown genuinely fond of Bill,

I'd

to

whom I looked as a symbol of hope that there were impressive, cultured,

and caring people within seemed

turns, often

this organization that,

by

either like a confederacy of dunces or a

school of sharks.

"I'm done."

Bill rested

the back of his head in the crux of his

intertwined hands. "Being an instructor doesn't do

it

for

me.

I

miss the streets."

But

home

wasn't going back overseas; his wife

Bill

business,

career of her

"Call

me

and he wanted

own,

anytime,"

to give her a chance to have a

I

made

haven't

I

I

may need

first

time since

"And you know,

Bill said.

graduated from college.

twenty-five years.

started a

"after all these years."

your help. I'm going to look for a job, for the I

had

have no idea

if there's

a resume in over

anything

else

I

can

even do." smiled.

I

Within the CIA, there was nothing

Bill

On the outside, however, it remained to be seen.

do.

bered the

could not I

remem-

way his eyes sparkled when he talked about the whole

slew of Middle Eastern chemical engineers, Indian nuclear entists, I

and Pakistani military

wondered

would be

on

if I

would

a time, years

officers

ever feel like

down

the road,

he had recruited. Bill. I

I

that

hoped I

that

and I

skeptical

all

would do what

would be

truthful,

at the Bill

wondered

if

when I would be

the instructor's side of the desk, facing a

as myself, eager

sci-

young

same

officer

such

time.

had done

and measured

there

sitting

for

in

me.

my

I

hoped

advice.

I

BLOWINGMYCOVER hoped

that

and that

I

I

would

would consider

the organization.

have a

by

life

regrets.

listen to the

to look

young

case officers concerns,

his or her needs along

Most of all,

I

hoped

167

with those of

that, like Bill,

I

would

back on, rich with rewards and unblemished

SEVEN

Tihomir picked us up in an absurdly out-of-place, brand-spanking-

new SUV,

in

snowcapped Rila Mountains. I am back in Bulgaria

the glorious

with

which he has driven us several miles south through

Emma and Emily.

commonly

Tihomir

referred to as "the

is

a Bulgarian lounge

singer,

Frank Sinatra of the Balkans.

man who

has relative fame, fortune,

lacks only

a

and family

Emma.

A

connections, he

Unhappily single and approaching middle

wife.

he has his eye on

"

age,

"American girl with blood from Bul-

garia!" he declares unabashedly.

my perfect combination!" " to his "castle in the hills. We

"It is

Tihomir has promised to take us stop first at

a roadside restaurant, which (I'm pretty sure) he

arranged

have constructed the day

to

Emma. Notwithstanding the taverns smells freshly cut

and afire burns

before,

rustic

hoping

ambience

—

in the hearth

to impress

—

the

wood

the tables have

BLOWING MY COVER

169

been set with fresh, white linens. The waiters are all got up in traditional Bulgarian folk garb

and they seem

ing us for hours. They jump

to attention as

stomping snow off our

to

have been expect-

soon as

we walk

in

boots.

"Tihomir! Tihomir!" they shout merrily as if it were the return

ofthe exiled king.

He shakes hands with all the waiters,

sent,

please

.

.

.

slaps their

toward the three of us. "May I pre-

backs, then gestures grandly

American girls!"

The waiters break

a short applause, after which they begin

into

scuttling about, proffering chairs,

and decanting glasses of water

and wine. The girls and Tihomir and I, an odd-looking consume a multicourse meal: duck and venison, and

quartet, sit

and

tripe soup, pepper-and-cheese salad,

—of

course

—

carafe after carafe

ofBulgar-

ian red wine.

Some hours landscape,

later,

stumbling out of the tavern into the snowy

we pile again

into

—

back toward the road but the river

and through

Tihomir SUV, which he 's

to

our

collective

astonishment

the woods. Barreling along

path, the car rips branches off trees

steers

and creates a

—

not

over

some narrow

confetti

shower

ofsnow and pine.

We

switch back up the mountain, as the grade grows ever

steeper.

I take mental note ofthe make and model of Tihomir s ex-

traordinarily capable

SUV, thinking I will ask for the same kind

of car when I go overseas for good.

At

the summit, just

fortress wall.

into snow.

beyond an ice-covered moat, we spot a

We emerge from

the car

and our

From a chain attached to a

legs

sink knee-deep

bridge that spans the moat,

a feral-looking German shepherd lunges forward, barking savagely

LINDSAY MORAN

170

andfrothing at the mouth. Tihomir tosses over a slab ofmeat, placating the beast long enough for us all to scurry across the bridge.

"Welcome

mous

my

to

castle!"

He produces from

his pocket

an enor-

iron key with which he unlocks the fortress gate.

Within the gate, we find a bona fide

of a fairy

castle, like

complete with a damsel-in-distress

tale,

something out turret.

For the

next hour or so, he conducts a tour, pointing out the extraordinary

workmanship and masonry, focusing primarily on two chambers: a master bedroom fit for a king and queen special lady into

my

Emma

back

waiting for

Emily as Tihomir ush-

upstairs.

Emily whispers in

girlfriends

who

sabotage first dates,

return.

Emily and I are oblivious to the look

thrilled by the castle

and

of mortification

been fixed on Emma's

face all afternoon. Emily deejays to importfrom

at the

am

life"

"Or pesky meddlesome

to host

"I

—and a dank subterranean dungeon.

"A place for rival suitors, " I whisper to ers

—

is

that's

so

pretend

to be

already scheming about which famous

Amsterdam for the all-night raves she plans

castle.

"After they're engaged,

causing Emma

to flash

ofcourse, "Emily says, winking at me and

her a look ofdeath. Meanwhile, I'm won-

dering what shady undertakings Bulgaria's Frank Sinatra must be involved in

to

have gotten

his

hands on

this piece

of real estate.

As we tromp around

the snowdrifted castle grounds, I silently

deliberate: Will I report

Tihomir as a professional or as a personal

contact back at Headquarters? Already, I

am

potential recruitment, thinking I can justify

Tihomir s probable connections

to

viewing him as a it

by highlighting

organized crime. Perhaps

he's

even a middleman for some nefarious Middle Eastern arms dealer

BLOWING MY COVER But what are

types!

course, will

this

mans

vulnerabilities? (Headquarters,

want to know.) His ego perhaps and,

one.

Could I possibly

road

to

use

my

relationship with

a potential recruitment? Have I

really

well,

of

Emma, for

Emma

as the in-

become that sleazy

and opportunistic? Tihomir interrupts I want

to

make

my

"Now

internal debate by announcing,

a picture!" He conducts

Emma,

and me

Emily,

to

stone garret.

We

put our arms around one another and smile broadly when

Ti-

pose beneath a stained-glass

homir shouts,

"Kashkaval!"—a Bulgarian wordfor

Some weeks graph

—

window within a

later,

the girls

Tihomir will send

me a

cheese.

copy of this photo-

and me, huddled together against a backdrop of

snowcapped pines and peaks. I will carry the photo in for years

to

come,

and Til look at it so

and layers ofsmudgy fingerprints back on

and

often that

edges willfray,

will blemish the white snow.

Emma, forcing a smile, and Emily,

U pon my

and the

I look

rosy-faced and giddy,

return from

confining reality ofa covert existence.

The Farm

to Langley,

by the Central Eurasian (CE) Division

background and

interests.

overseas assignment after the

With

I

girls

—no

was told

I

I

was

enlisted

surprise, given

would

receive

my

New Year.

three weeks of vacation ahead of me,

and Emily to inquire about making

had no pressing engagements

between jobs, so we decided to ties:

wallet

me, pensive, slightly anxious, captured on the cusp between

fantastical freedom

my

its

my

a trip to

either, as

I

called

Emma

New York. The

both of them were

travel, discussing the possibili-

Mexico, the Caribbean, Southeast Asia. Ultimately, we

7

LINDSAYMORAN

72

decided to return to Bulgaria, where

we could

stay for free

in a centrally located studio apartment, recently bequeathed to

Emma

by her grandmother, who'd been a renowned Bul-

garian sculptor.

we'd

all

We knew

could be frigid in Bulgaria, but

it

we

be together in a place that

one of the most unlikely anticipated

mention

loved, not to

be affected by the much-

locales to

Y2K chaos.

While the

readied themselves in

girls

New York, digging out

dusty ski equipment and stocking up on the cartons of Marlboros

we would need

for bribes,

"Personal Overseas Travel" back

"Why cer asked "It's

struggled to get approval for

at

Headquarters.

Bulgaria?" the prototypically paranoid security offi-

me.

cheap,

friends."

I

By

can

I

ski,

this time,

I

I'm going with

my

American

girl-

was used to the Agency's pervasive

xenophobia and knew better than to allude to any Bulgarian acquaintances, or

my fondness

for that country.

"Will you see your close and continuing'?" ficer

scanned

my file

"Todorov, "I said.

Every time

I

as

we

security of-

spoke. "This Sasho Podorov."

"No, he

lives in

San Francisco,

actually."

answered one of these questions so

myself from further scrutiny,

I felt

as if a little part

serve had been chipped away. Gradually,

within the organization

—would

I

—

like

find ways in

myself invisible and nonthreatening:

my

The

I

as to save

of my

many

which

to

re-

others

make

would stop speaking

mind, avoid discussion of anything personal, and keep any

"leftist" political

opinions to myself as well. Often

caught between the pages of some

Orwellian novel.

I felt

as if

BLOWING MY COVER

173

The security officer concluded our conversation by handing me a ream of paperwork to fill out, memo upon memo justifying

and cataloging the

which

details

of my

in

was to report the names, addresses, and telephone

I

numbers of each of my

"You know,

hosts.

Emma had no idea what the ad-

dead grandmother's

dress of her

it's

upon knowing Ultimately,

I

studio-cum-loft: was.

artist

on the corner of Gurko

Levski," she said. She also couldn't it:

Street

still

didn't

and uptight.

my paperwork that

I

I

know where

dropped the

who knew

was three hundred

Approval came,

Back in

was intent

worked

I

Emma

I

to sus-

grown annoy-

and reported on

issue

I

Sofia, since the cheapest

dollars a night.

would discover

Bulgaria,

—

would be staying at the Sheraton, a ludi-

crous prospect for anyone there

I

decided that further inquiry would cause

pect me, if not of being a spy, then of having ingly anal

and Boulevard

fathom why

"Are you going to be receiving mail there?"

and Emily—who

room

and

trip to Bulgaria,

the day after

later,

experienced a brief

I left.

—but exhilarating

my

former

self.

hiked and skied on nearby

Mount

Vitosha, capping off each

return to freedom

and

afternoon with beers and french dusk,

we would

ride

down

to night.

fries at

day,

the

Emily and

summit

in the gondola, the lights

spread out below us, flickering to

gin the

By

life as

hut.

I

At

of Sofia

the pink sky gave

way

We would convene with Emma in the studio and be-

first

round of cocktails

as

we

readied ourselves for the

sequence of clubs and twenty-four-hour discotheques.

7

LINDSAYMORAN

74

I

also

had the chance

to reconnect with several former rock-

climbing friends, a few of whom immediately demanded assistance in getting

whom mat.

them

openly challenged

"How

does

it

feel to

evident compunction. quiries, feeling

visas to

my

laughed off these less-than-subtle

I

many

charming

outskirts Sasho's

to Bulgaria,

still

and bus sequence

mother

lived there

I

made

a trip by

my-

been to Plov-

lived. I'd I

knew how

to transport

but spotlessly clean, apartment on the Sasho's

in-

middle of the country

city in the

mother

times with Sasho, of course, so

gate the train

of

uncomfortable.

self to Plovdiv, the

div

all

claim to have become a diplo-

be a spy?" they would ask with no

Toward the end of our visit

on whose

America and almost

my

far

me

to navi-

to the small,

edge of town.

on her own now. Sasho was

in

San Francisco, and Kamen, her younger son, had gone off to

England

to pick strawberries

and save enough money

for medical school in the West.

The

father

was

still

to

pay

a practic-

ing surgeon in Libya.

Her

situation broke

my

heart. Sitting across

from

Sasho's

mother, watching her slowly go through the stack of photos that I'd brought,

I

felt

my eyes

begin to water.

"He's lost weight," she said, and then looked at me, worried. "He's "I don't

California

not eating?"

know," is

very

I

said.

"You know

I

live in

Washington now.

far."

"Aaah." Sasho's mother nodded her head. "Too far to drive?"

Most

Bulgarians,

whose own country

is

about the

size

mont, have no comprehension of how vast America

is.

of Ver-

BLOWING MY COVER

"Much "Is

too far to drive,"

7

75

said.

I

very hard for you and Sasho, then."

His mother put the pictures

down

long enough to pour

me

another cup of tea and slide a second serving of flaky, cheesebahnitza pastry onto

filled

my plate.

Obviously, Sasho hadn't told his mother about our breakup. I

decided to

let it go.

She would never understand, or forgive,

choosing a career over her son. pleased that

now

gling immigrant, he.

I

And

she probably wouldn't be

— another —who was probably no

he had a Korean girlfriend

no

less

kind of miraculous symbol of salvation

—

for their

strug-

better off than

think Sasho's whole family had always viewed

ican girl

my

wayward boy who

—

me as some

the successful

didn't give a

Amer-

damn

about

anything but climbing rocks. In Bulgaria, Sasho had been

renowned: winner of every national competition, the Bulgarian to

U.S.A.

—

summit mythical

a place

from which

first

El Capitan, in Caleeforneeyah,

his

many

friends

and family

still

awaited his return.

That

night,

I

slept

on the

tiny twin

bed

in

which Sasho had

growing up. From the living room next door,

slept

I

could

hear his mother pulling out the sofa that had served as her and Sasho's father's bed,

ached for Sasho's

her.

and

that

now was

How could she stand

mother seemed

hers alone.

My

heart

this loneliness?

to have looked forward to

my visit,

and the following morning she prepared an elaborate breakfast,

prolonging

train.

When

I

my stay and

finally left,

I

causing

me

to miss the

morning

think she had surmised, as only a

mother can, that her son was no longer

in

my hands.

LINDSAYMORAN

176

my down shoving wax-paper packages of food in the crook of my

"You were good jacket,

to Sasho," she said, zipping

up

arm. "You, Sasho will not ever forget."

As

walked through the gloomy Eastern European

I

streets,

the factory smokestacks looming against the colorless sky,

was not so

sure.

Perhaps Sasho had already forgotten me,

mother eventually would,

met and would come on,

and with

all

the foreign people

and into whose

lives,

I

had

from now

transient forays, under false pretenses

ulterior motives.

Emma and Emily and loft,

would

to meet,

would make only

I

as

I

as his

I

New Year's Eve party in the guests, ranging from my grungy

threw a

with more than sixty

rock-climber friends, to the Frank Sinatra of Bulgaria and his

mobster

like entourage, to a

smattering of starving

artists, rev-

erent of

Emma's famous grandmother. Clustered

in the tiny

kitchen was also a

fair

representation of Sofia starlets,

Emma and Emily knew from garia's

skirts

An

having worked on films in Bul-

version of Hollywood, a dilapidated ranch

on the out-

of town.

hour before midnight, the whole ensemble herded out

into the snowdrifted streets

rade

whom

down

munist

and commenced a staggering pa-

to the National Palace of Culture, a colossal

relic that

had been

Com-

outfitted for the evening with

crookedly slung strands of colored lights and an enormous digital clock,

before the

more

which would indicate the minutes and seconds

New

Millennium.

New

Year's

Eve was

still

a far

celebratory occasion than Christmas in Bulgaria, since

BLOWING MY COVER

777

Communists had forbidden any public

for years the

tribute to

or acknowledgment of religious holidays.

We spent the minutes before midnight standing in the bonechilling cold

from open

among thousands of

bottles of

champagne

Bulgarians, taking swigs

that we'd carted with us for

the toast. Typically Balkan, the enlarged digital clock that was

intended to show the countdown of seconds malfunctioned

sometime during the fusedly, asking

last

minute. Everyone looked about con-

each other

ished the absurdity of it rigidity that infused

if it

all,

a

my life.

New Year

was the

welcome I felt

at

respite

once

at

Flying back to Washington a few days

apprehension

would

I

I

or not.

I

rel-

from the Agency

home. quelled the

later, I

was experiencing, knowing that never again

travel to a foreign

country unencumbered by a hidden

agenda.

As

it

turned out,

it

was back

to the Balkans for

me;

I

was to

be sent for an unspecified period of time to Skopje, Macedonia.

My fellow classmates,

mocked me

dispersed

for being exiled to a

all

over the world, gently

remote outpost whose name

none of them could even pronounce. Since

most

I

already spoke rudimentary Bulgarian, a language

identical to

Macedonian, the Agency opted to

in Serbo-Croatian,

which would serve

former Yugoslav republics.

I

me

train

al-

me

well in any of the

commenced language

lessons un-

der the tutelage of a deranged, displaced Serb.

—who had

pierced her tongue and dyed her hair or-

ange in protest of the

NATO bombing of Belgrade— spent her

Bojana

LINDSAY MORAN

178

evenings trolling the Internet in search of some

man

to father

her child, and her days drilling students in Serbian with repetition

of ghastly sentences such

as

All the

women

were raped.

Some ofthe women were raped, but all the men were killed. of the houses were bombed and

None of the I

barns was burned, but all the

was in

where

of the men were

several

class

with two other case

else in the Balkans,

women

killed.

were raped.

some-

officers slated for

both big blowhards

One

jana and butchered her native tongue.

A few

who

bullied Bo-

of them bragged

incessantly about his venerated Gestapo grandfather, who'd

perished that

I

—

"tragically"

—

in a Russian

POW camp. Well aware

was half Jewish, he arrived one day with show-and-tell

photographs of the grandfather, outfitted in I

refused to look,

and

silently

full

Nazi

regalia.

simmered, while maniacal,

orange-headed Bojana oohed and aahed over the handsome

young man

in the

photo and

his prekrassni (beautiful) black

boots.

At

the onset of language lessons,

semblance of a normal ing a local recreational I'd

tried to establish

for myself in

some

Washington by

join-

swim team.

been swimming with the team for a few weeks, in the

slow lane, ans,

life

I

when

among a

a

number of exceptionally

woman from

fit

septuagenari-

the next lane over invited

a group getting together at the State of the

me

to join

Union club

that

night.

Having always been chance to get to

a social person,

I

looked forward to the

know some of the younger

people from the

BLOWINGMYCOVER team, but pretty

was

I

much

also

oddly nervous. For more than a

79

year, I'd

restricted myself to socializing only with people

inside the Agency. Occasionally,

decided

would drag

I

A

bar with me.

Groucho Marx

my

Emma

saw

I

up on asking me any

they'd given I

7

and Emily, but

questions.

buddy Jared

old college

to the

decidedly eccentric guy, Jared always wore

glasses for school portraits, routinely tried to

engage waitresses in philosophical discussions, and passed out handfuls of Starburst candies from a bag he kept with all

times.

I

figured that whatever

comparison to

I

said or did

would

him

at

pale in

Jared's behavior.

We arrived at the bar and Jared reached into his backpack to find the inevitable sack of Starbursts,

which he immediately

began proffering around. Through the haze and over the din

and amid

the other faces

all

—some

familiar

and some not

—

was drawn to one man, casually standing among the other swimmers, oblivious to me, facing the band and drinking a beer. This,

I

would

on our team,

later learn,

was James, the

a freelance photographer

the past several weeks because he

Ugandan

With

swimmer

fastest

who had been

was on a shoot

absent

in

some

jungle.

the exception of meeting James,

nary evening

—standing around,

drinking one too couch. But

I

many

it

just

an ordi-

half listening to the band,

beers, eventually collapsing

couldn't sleep that night, as

my first introduction

was

to this James.

I

on

Jared's

excitedly dissected

Something about him had

knocked the wind out of me.

The in the

next day, at the pool, James arrived

slow lane

among

the geriatrics,

I

late.

noted

Crouching his friendly

LINDSAY MORAN

180

way he

smile, the easy

greeted people, the artless confidence

with which he walked past

my heart,

allowed

me

over to the

however disciplined

it

And

fast lane.

had become,

I

to skip

a beat.

One

day,

Bojana released us from Serbian

classes early, so

I

headed over to the pool to swim before our regularly scheduled practice time.

The pool was empty except ing what appeared to be

As

the shallow end.

don

my cap,

I

some form of martial

dipped

man perform-

arts

throughout

my toe in the water and began to

saw James emerge from the men's locker room.

My heart began to him,

I

for a squat Asian

to race. I'd never said

and now here we were:

more than

practically

Asian

cally alone, save for the strange

a few

naked and

man

words practi-

hurling himself

around the pool.

how

James walked over and asked

ming cap with "I

half on

my head,

and

I

I

was.

was sure

I

had

I

my

swim-

looked ridiculous

my hair sticking out partway. came early today,"

I

said, as if that

were not

James smiled. Clearly, he sensed

my anxiety.

"You're a photographer, right?"

I

totally obvious.

"Yeah,

me too."

said.

"Mm-hmm." "That's cool."

"And you?"

ming and was "I, er,

um,

I

I felt

idiotic

with each passing second.

had the impression he wanted

just I

more

being

work

to start

swim-

polite.

for the government,"

overseas soon."

James smirked. "A diplomat?"

I

said.

"I'm going

BLOWING MY COVER "Yeah."

was encouraged that he

I

181

at least

had an idea what

that meant. "I

was

up once with

fixed

up over

stretching his arms

she said.

met her when

I

James

a so-called diplomat," his head.

"A

said,

political officer, or so

was traveling through Costa Rica.

I

My cousin worked at the embassy there." "Really?"

I

"Yeah, but

"Oh,

was already jealous of this unknown woman. I

think she worked

CIA,

at the

actually."

really?"

"Yeah, she was totally cagey and uptight," James said. "Actually,

we

never ended up going out, because she refused to

take public transportation." "I love public transportation!" at

me

as if

I

were

afflicted

"Trains, busses, trolleys

James

I

better start

pushed off the

.

.

.

you name

my

workout,"

wall, and, for the next

—

lap after another

I

blurted out. James looked

it," I

went on.

just stared.

"Well,

have

I

with Tourette's syndrome.

I

thought of

all

said.

I

I

hopped

in,

—one monotonous

hour

the clever things

I

might

I'd

never

said.

was surprised by

how

nervous James

been a particularly nervous

him from one well

old people in

I

watched

the other fast guys in his lane, to the wrinkled

my

from the

he must be a

more than

Over the weeks,

the corner of my eye and saw that he treated every-

—from

hairballs

girl.

made me.

lane, to the black lifeguards

drain.

warm

that,

I

It

person.

impressed me, and I

wanted

wanted him

to

to

want

who

fished out

made me think

know him. And to

know me.

I

guess

LINDSAY MORAN

182

As

life

will

supermodel

team

have

however,

it,

girlfriend.

I

social gatherings, a

was so arresting

as to

emerged that James had some

it

met her

one of the occasional swim-

at

woman whose beauty surreal. And so I wrote

slender

tall,

seem, to me,

off the possibility of a relationship with James as something

not meant to be, and continued to ready myself for

my move

overseas.

But over the next as

several

months, which

I

now remember

nothing other than Serbian lessons and swimming, there

were clues

that, at the time,

A smile

guarded, to notice.

I

was too dense, or perhaps too

seemed

that

toward me; James jockeying for a ing at the end of the slow lane

particularly directed

me; him

linger-

no evident

reason;

seat next to

(my lane)

for

or his sudden interest in photographing an alpaca ranch, I

mentioned that

ginia.

my

father

had

one

retired to

(The alpaca expedition never came

in

when

West Vir-

to pass, but

I

spend a considerable amount of time fantasizing about

on

the limited sleeping arrangements

have I

finally

pushed

must have

me and James

my

father's

together.)

Pride caused

me

to

flit

I

be dangerous to meet his gaze, and whenever

I

start a conversation.

keep

off every time James

Somehow,

approached to

farm might

willfully ignored these clues in order to

my heart in check.

did

how

knew it would did,

I

quickly

looked away. I

was happy to have an excuse

a place that at least

distance

would

James and

I

free

to leave, to

figured time

and

fruitless girlish reverie,

and

sounded romantic.

me from my

would go our

go to Macedonia,

separate ways.

I

BLOWING MY COVER The day

before

Macedonia was sweltering and

left for

I

183

promised a storm; the outdoor pool was about

impending change of season, and its

annual end-of-summer

more

party,

to close for the

after practice the

with a

lot

team held

of food and

lots

drink.

At the end of the

James asked

party,

We

he had biked to practice.

me

must have

for a ride

sat in the

home,

cab of

as

my

truck in front of his house for three or four hours that night, talking about

had I

I

felt

the things

all

I

wished we'd talked about

earlier,

not been such a basket case every time he came around.

my

heart at once buoyed

could care about

—and

—

sunk: This

this

is

was someone

someone

I

really

probably will

I

never see again.

At the end of the his bike

tween us

James

like a

Good

truck and perched bein

Macedonia,"

luck here."

shrugged, staring off for a

welcome

to visit,"

the closest we'd ever

bead with sweat. said "Sure!"

at

moment. "Macedonia, huh?"

said feebly.

It

was an absurd no-

the past few hours was

to a proper date.

me

When way

I

my truck for

come

James was looking

I

my

boundary marker. "Good luck

tion, given that sitting in

bye,

stood awkwardly in the road,

said.

"You're

to

we

hauled from the back of

"Yeah, thanks.

He

night,

again.

I

he asked

could if

feel

my brow

begin

me

good-

he could

kiss

too quickly and enthusiastically, and

then immediately began to hyperventilate. Later,

I

lay alone

on the bed

flight left at six in the

in

my airport

hotel

room (my

morning, a mere few hours away),

reliv-

LINDSAY MORAN

784

ing the

moment.

I

cursed myself for not having offered

home months earlier. Oh well, I thought. Que serd,

him

a

ride

I

expected kiss

—

—

my memories in my carry-on

would pack

serd.

a few furtive glances, an un-

bag,

and

I

would head

termined not to be held back by one more

false start.

off,

de-

EIGHT

Its

Friday night in the Balkans

and I am

with an older man. The windows are steamed up torrents

around us.

occasional blurry

my heart to

headlights that always causes

seize up.

The man, a years

and rainfalls in

anything outside, save the

Its impossible to see

beam ofpassing

a parked car

sitting in

Serb, smells

of drinking and

of cigarettes and

into the passenger seat and, with his

and mottled face,

worn out by

looks

general discontent. He's squeezed himself

looks like

lumpy brown trench coat

a large sprouting potato you'd find

forgotten at the bottom of the pantry.

A few

minutes

earlier,

I had picked him up at the rear exit of I spent two hours

a shopping mall a mile away. Before

that,

driving around, just like in training, to

make sure I

followed. In training, they always cautioned

us,

wasn't being

"You have to

LINDSAY MORAN

186

be one hundred percent sure you're clean. Otherwise, abort the operation.

and I've

been doing this spying thing for months now,

I've

You can never be one hundred percent

alized:

are trained to dart

around at

my

sure. Still,

re-

eyes

when I'm doing

all times, even

everyday errands orjust outfor a walk. I'm constantly on the look-

and on a

out,

feel

less

ways

night like tonight, all

my senses are on

a predator than prey. Truth be

like

terrified

We are

time

we

this

man and I.

what

we're

doing

together, "

met, a few days earlier, "we're having

were having an edly

that

Pretty stan-

I said

The old man nodded his head as if ashamed,

—

is,

affair.

knew

Supposedly, he

according to

him —he

too

an

him

to

as the Secret Police.

man

me three nights later at the

he didn't seem one

So the

affair.

as if we actually

the routine. Suppos-

had been an

left

turn

didn't balk

rear exit

to find it strange the

—

intelligence

known

when I asked him

ofa shopping mall

way I drove

better for spotting cars

the

"

officer, for the Yugoslav Internal Security Service, otherwise

meet

I

al-

lovers.

"If anyone asks first

alert.

ofgetting caught.

Ofcourse, we have our cover story, dard.

high

I am almost

told,

to

And

us around, taking

behind you

—

after another,

until Ifound a nearly empty parking lot behind some Soviet-style

apartment

blocks.

He probably even suspects that I'm wearing a wig, scalp gets itchy as the

the

humidity causes moisture

mesh lining and my own

hair;

that I'm in disguise, I feel event, there's

to collect

I want desperately

know it might make the wig go lopsided. Even

any

which lam.

we ought

to

ifthe

My

between

to scratch

but

man has guessed

maintain the charade. In

a part of me that still wonders ifhe's for

real.

BLOWING MY COVER / take out a small notepad and pen

would be surprised to

—and

spy's tools

—

787

thinking: most people

discover the primitive nature

ofan average

turn to him.

"You have information

on the whereabouts of Radovan

Karadzic?" I say in Serbian.

The

notorious Serb dictator Slobodan Milosevic had been

CIA was

deposed, but the

actively pursuing

still

"persons indicted for war crimes," or

them.

many

other

we

called

as

Among the most sought-after Balkan war criminals was commander Radovan

the former Bosnian Serb

had been instrumental thousands of Muslims

my naive

and eager

—

day monster to

of mind,

anything

more worthwhile. gets that

man

—

I I

imagined that

—with

the

would bring the modern-

justice.

been overseas half a

do something

who

campaign of "ethnic cleansing." In

a

state

Karadzic,

mass murder of hundreds of

in the

help of this disheveled old

I'd

PIFWICS,

I

year,

waiting to hook such a

—that

would make

my

fish, to

job seem

was puzzled by the pool of small-time

Headquarters and

my CIA

boss encouraged

tar-

me

to

pursue, not to mention a bit disillusioned by the actual banality

of being a

This

man

Turns out

is

who had

true

was a

lot

of paperwork.

I

somewhere

to an "intelligence officer"

agreed to meet

a real opportunity for "It

it

—who had volunteered information by

anonymously world, but

spy.

me

to

in

Skopje

— presented

do something good.

have information on

into the pocket of his

me

writing

else in the

this guy."

crumpled overcoat

for

The man what

I

reached

could only

LINDSAY MORAN hope would be Karadzic

—and

diagram of the

a

with mounting anticipation a

—were

pack of second-rate Yugoslavian

Having thought ahead,

I

bunker

secret

possibly even a few other

which

in

PIFWICs,

I

thought

hiding. But he pulled out

cigarettes.

produced from

my own

pocket

some superior American-manufactured Marlboros, of which the

man

more

contentedly partook: one to light now, a meaty

"As you know,

we

of Mr. Karadzic,"

would

vide that

duly rewarded." bills practically I

fistful

for later. are greatly interested in the

whereabouts

continued. "Any information you can pro-

I

lead us to his capture would, of course, be I

was thinking of the

money

this

hundred-dollar

my pocket. More than likely,

burning a hole in

would hand over

six crisp

to the

man

end of

at the

this

meeting. Six hundred dollars was a pittance to the Agency,

knew, but

it

would

indicate that

we meant

was more where that came from.

If the

I

business, that there

man

really

could lead

us to Karadzic, he stood to earn hundreds of thousands of dollars.

We

United

might even help him and

States,

"Now I am throat.

I

I

going to

assumed was tell

you ..."

was on the edge of my

the Balkans,

What

which

the

more

often

meant

man wanted

to

his family relocate to the his ultimate goal.

said the

man,

clearing his

seat, forgetting that

"now," in

"never."

tell

me,

as

it

turned out, was not

the whereabouts of one of the CIA's most wanted war criminals,

but the history of modern Yugoslavia from his perspective.

From

the glorious birth, industrious lifetime, and tragically

untimely death of Josip BrozTito to the

ill-fated ascent

of Slo-

BLOWINGMYCOVER bodan Milosevic and the destruction

189

and

that he

his cronies

had wreaked upon what was once a great nation, he all

By

in excruciating detail.

—

day Serbia

lawlessness,

the time we'd reached

recited

it

modern-

staggering inflation, rampant poverty, general

its

and communal malaise

into total annoyance.

felt

I

—my excitement had eroded

bleary-eyed and nearly asphyxi-

ated by secondhand smoke.

But because there might be some nel of this man's blather,

A

couple of times,

much

I

restarted

in order to heighten

do

trained to

—but

might spur the Meanwhile,

man I

in the

light at the

listened.

end of the tun-

For hours, in

and relocated the

our

security, as

car

fact.

—not

indeed

so

been

I'd

hopes that physical movement

on.

kept steering the conversation back to Kara-

"How do you know

dzic:

and

sat

I

man

him?" The

outlined, at great

length, a convoluted family-neighbor-former colleague con-

nection.

Moments

he conceded that he did not

later,

Karadzic "personally" at

"Does Karadzic know youV

He

"Look,

is

possible yes. ...

sir!" I finally

where Karadzic actually "Ahh."

he

I

asked.

shrugged his shoulders and pondered another unlit

arette. "It

as

know

all.

lit

He

It is

blurted out. right

is

"Do you have any

"Now I am

My head was itching like crazy and ingly difficult to

mask my

idea

now?"

smiled, gingerly cupping one

his next cigarette.

cig-

also possible no."

hand over the other

going to I

tell

you ..."

was finding

irritation as the

man

another historical tangent. If it weren't for him,

it

increas-

sailed off I'd

on

be driving

LINDSAY MORAN that night to Bulgaria,

would have

Emma

—both Emma and Emily were

there,

again living:

and

in

film being

and Emily on a Fulbright, teaching English

Sofia University. Sofia,

my tremendous good fortune

as

work on another low-budget American

to

produced

it

—

where

It

at

was a three-hour drive from Skopje to

between skulking about the Balkans

tried as often as possible to see the girls.

—

spying

desperately needed

I

the reprieve that their friendship provided.

Every time

dropped

showed up

I

apartment,

at Emily's small

my bags and fell into the girls'

open embrace.

I

An un-

corked bottle of red wine and a platter of Bulgarian cheese and

Greek

fat

pour the wine while shoes,

and curled

were sure to sour to

unwind, but

and

I

much

I

the belly of my former

—

It

Emily would

I

my

my body. They knew betI'd

been up

always took

listened to the

their carefree stories,

Sometimes

up under

about what

my mood.

as

the coffee table.

flopped onto the couch, removed

my legs

than to ask too

ter

me on

olives awaited

girls'

me

to;

questions

several hours

madcap adventures

could hear the faint laughter from

self.

often, in fact

—work precluded

these

weekend

visits.

Initially, I

forth

had admired the Serb

in

and volunteering information,

my car for bravely coming for agreeing to travel

Belgrade to meet with me, and for refusing to accept any at

our

first

meeting. But

Clearly, the

I

was

fast

from

money

growing suspicious of him.

man had no more clue where Karadzic was than

my ninety-five-year-old grandmother, back at her assistedliving facility in New Jersey. No doubt word had spread that did

BLOWING MY COVER

CIA was

the

obviously

wasting est

way

doling out big bucks for info, and the

come

As much

to cash in.

my time,

I

realized that

to get rid of him.

close to midnight. If

"Look,

I

went

like

me

records

less faith in

guy

did.

—

easi-

digits

fire. It

was

could wake early

weekend.

—of your former

colleagues in

I

none of them checked

I

its

for

"The names

on who everyone

had

out.

You know

is."

man

said, as if the explana-

admit that

to

I

probably put

the accuracy of CIA data, at that point, than

Of course,

"The point ton"

I

the other day

tion were perfectly obvious.

him

said.

"Your records are wrong," the

this

dying embers of a

bed soon,

to

man had

hated to pay

have to be honest with you,"

I

the Secret Police? Well,

even

I

was quite possibly the

to Sofia for the rest of the

you provided

we have

it

as

glanced at the car clock,

I

glowing red through the haze

and drive

797

is,"

I

didn't

said,

in other words,

vinced that you are

I

tell

"my

that.

colleagues back in Washing-

my CIA

who you

him

say

—

boss in Skopje

you

"aren't

con-

are."

"Your colleagues in Washington are

idiots!"

he

said,

sud-

denly agitated. "Perhaps, but they're not such idiots that they're going to

pay for faulty information." Even blatant falsehood.

The CIA,

paid for faulty information

"Look,

you do," don't. If faith.

it I

I'd

all

said. "Either you

I

I

said

it, I

knew

it

to be a

the time.

doesn't really matter to

me who you

know where

you do, I'm prepared

..."

as

been discouraged to discover,

to

show an

are or

Karadzic offer

is

what

or you

of our good

made a minor production out of thumbing through

LINDSAY MORAN

192

the six crisp hundred-dollar

your time and

man

Oddly, the

"If not,

bills.

I

refused to even look at the

want your money." He

felt

I

sorry for him.

shoes, his face as craggy

tiny

nub of a

fingers.

He

pay you

for

do not

looked

as if

right."

is

at his

weatherworn

and hardened as a limestone cliff, and the

cigarette,

still-lit

I

bills. "I

toward the window,

cast his gaze

hurt or embarrassed. "I just want to do what Suddenly,

will

both be on our way."

let's

pinched between

his sausagelike

probably had been in the Secret Police,

I

thought.

Now he was just some old man struggling to make ends meet. Sadly,

I

realized that as

somebody, he wanted

"Why don't

it

drive

I

"Next time we

much

as I'd

wanted the man

to be

even more himself.

you back?"

meet,

I

am

I

finally said.

going to

tell

..." But then

you

his voice just trailed off.

At the dred

rear

dollars.

of the shopping mall,

As

was standard,

I

handed him

I

had him

made-up name. This money, which flowed the Agency, was government to be accounted

for.

precisely in half and slid "I will call

you when

I

them I

water through

handed him. He folded the

bills

into the pocket of his overcoat.

find out

some more," he

said.

But

call.

boss didn't care about the wasted time or even the

good experience

for you,"

he said about every other

false lead.

wasted money. later, just as

"It's

a

The money represented but a drop excess

like

scrawled something across the

both of us knew he would never

My

hun-

money nonetheless, and thus had

The man

bottom of the scrap of paper

three

sign a receipt using a

he said to

me

in the vast sea of Agency

and incalculable waste. Anyway,

I

rationalized, we'd

BLOWINGMYCOVER bombed

I

act

To my-

the poor guy's country just one year before.

could justify the three hundred dollars

self, I

dom

193

as a

kind of ran-

into the

shadows of

of charity.

did not watch the

darkness. For

all I

man walk away

knew, he'd accomplished exactly what he

out to do, and there was a bore a wide,

new bounce

self-satisfied grin.

For

to his step,

all I

away that money on alcohol and more

and

knew, he would

cigarettes.

thing about being a spy: There seemed to be so

set

his face fritter

That was the little I

could

ever actually know.

When I'd arrived in Skopje, months earlier, and altogether discouraging

dusty,

I

found

it

a hot,

Unlike Bulgaria

place.

where the people had seemed cheerful and welcoming

Macedonians always appeared

The

to be angry.

center of Skopje, albeit tiny, was

nous and intimidating.

I

braced myself

somehow cacopho-

as

I

wended

among leering shopkeepers, hawkish street vendors, occupied by brooding thugs

who would

my way

cafe tables

occasionally explode,

seemingly apropos of nothing, into anger

—shouting

at

each

other or into the faces of their pouty, doe-eyed girlfriends. stroll

through town was

set to the invariable

car horns, outbursts of road rage, Slavic insult,

"Up your

less

Macedonia

tune of blaring

and the incessant standard

mother's pussy!"

The Macedonians were angry foremost They had

A

at the

Albanians.

disdain for the country of Albania, neighboring

to the west, than they did for the population

Albanian Muslims in Macedonia

itself.

of

The Macedonians

LINDSAY MORAN

194

them

generally referred to

as "criminals,"

"barbarians," or

"Muslim dogs."

My neighbor,

a vile old

about her diminished said,

"They breed

like

woman who

as

of Yugoslavia,

farm animals, these Albanians. They're

taking over our country and turning

As much

complained endlessly

lot in life since the fall

it

into a gangster state."

they despised the Albanians, Macedonians ex-

hibited almost equal antipathy toward the Greeks. Their

com-

munal

me

ire

toward their southern neighbor seemed to

modicum more Yugoslavia,

rational,

a

though. Following the dissolution of

when Macedonia became an independent

nation,

Greece had refused to recognize the name "Macedonia" because a small portion of northern Greece bears the same name.

The new country gether uninspiring

Macedonia," or

thus had been forced to adopt the alto-

title

"The Former Yugoslav Republic of

FYROM,

to

which most Macedonians under-

standably objected.

"Can you imagine?!" an enraged Macedonian

cabdriver

once demanded of me. "If you are from the Former British

Colony Known

as

The only group

America?

How would you feel

that could enrage the

then?!"

Macedonians more

than the Greeks or Albanians was the Bulgarians. "Bulgarian

men are hoodlums,"

said

my neighbor in a rare deviation from

her theme of Albanian barbarism. "And the

I

could ascertain,

hostility since the

Second World

Macedonians' hatred of Bulgaria, so

stemmed from enduring

women? Whores!"

far as

War. Also, just as the Greeks wouldn't accept Macedonia as a name, Bulgarians refused to acknowledge the

Macedonian

BLOWINGMYCOVER

7

language, which they considered to be a dialect

—of proper

Bulgarian.

a point, the

Macedonian

tion, in fact

To make

—

95

a bastardiza-

president, in conference

with the Bulgarian prime minister, had once apparently gone so far as to insist

upon

a translator.

terous gesture was akin to having

George W. Bush and Tony Ultimately,

I

interpret

prepos-

between

Blair.

come

did

The symbolic but

someone

empathize somewhat with the

to

maltreated Macedonians, encroached

upon from

was sad then

their tiny, landlocked country. It

all

sides in

to discover that

the Macedonians didn't hold Americans in any greater esteem.

For a number of reasons. America had sided with Greece over the

name

garia,

issue,

and

NATO was on the verge of accepting Bul-

which wounded Macedonians

the aftermath of the

Kosovo

deeply. Moreover, during

the United States govern-

crisis,

ment had strong-armed Macedonia

into accepting hundreds

of thousands of Albanian refugees,

whom

now saw "You

as a scourge

on

the Macedonians

their society.

are a lover of Albanians!"

My neighbor lobbed this ac-

cusation through the apricot tree that separated our yards the day she discovered that

I'd

employed an Albanian man, the

father of seven children, to tend

my garden.

"United States of Albania!" she muttered the fallen fruits of her tree,

—

and unripe

like

on

all

as she

picked

among

of which appeared to be hard

green golf balls

—

or rotting and infested

with maggots.

United States foreign policy in the Balkans did seem muddled at best. In Macedonia, our actions

—

or inactions, as the case

LINDSAY MORAN

may have been

—indeed appeared

who

minority,

to favor the Albanian

viewed America

still

as their savior

on the part of the Albanians,

as

naturally elicited our

it

and almost guaranteed our continued support.

number of times an Albanian

heartily slap

me on

are brothers!"

tablishments

my

and

from Milo-

Hero worship of Americans seemed to me a crafty strategy

sevic.

the

Muslim

cannot

cabdriver or merchant

recall

would

the back and roar, "America-Albania!

We

subsequently avoided Macedonian-owned

I

—where

I

was sure to receive a lecture on

country had ruined theirs

Albanians a good lovefest

I

empathy

tip

and

—but

I

es-

how

I

always gave the

my continued business. The mutual

between America and Macedonia's Muslim minority

of course generated suspicion.

One

day,

I

went rock climbing with two young Macedo-

nians

named Vassil and Goce.

short

and

stout,

reminded

Vassil, tall

me

out any evident sense of humor.

my life in their hands

American foreign "It is

Vassil

lanky,

and Goce,

The two of them took

obvi-

—hanging from

a cliff

ous advantage of my vulnerable position face with

and

of Laurel and Hardy, but with-

—

to berate

and taunt

me about

policy.

well-known

fact that

you intend to occupy Macedonia,"

shouted through cupped hands from the ground below.

"With

these Albanian mongrels!" barked Goce, holding the

rope from which

"Can you

I

was suspended.

please take

up the

slack?"

I

yelled, clinging pre-

cariously to a protruding sliver of granite.

"Macedonia

"We like

will

will take

up arms!" Goce hollered

in response.

shoot the imperialist impostors and their cronies

dogs in the

street!"

BLOWING MY COVER It

was, needless to

the

say,

last

time

I

197

ever

went rock climb-

ing in Macedonia.

Although and,

I

tellingly,

managed

make a few friends

to

in

even considered Vassil and Goce

Macedonia

among them

was wary of every local

I

avoided getting too close to anyone.

I

met, and I'm sure they were equally and rightfully suspicious

I

of me.

During the

day,

I

performed the duties of my altogether bo-

gus cover job, a "diplomatic representative of the United States."

By night

I

which

trolled the city for obscure locations at

to

meet contacts, out-of-the-way pay phones, secluded parking lots,

shady playgrounds, and abandoned huts.

my neighbors thought, Sometimes,

at best.

would

me

as

I

wondered what

and was sure they considered I

see the old lady,

emerged from perched

like

my

me dodgy

car late at night,

down

an owl, peering

I

at

through the clothing she'd hung to dry on her balcony.

Within

a few months,

I

was

actively developing several of

my own contacts and had received what seemed to me inflated and undue acclamation from Headquarters.

"Kudos

to

C/O

Hadley" was the

correspondence, referring to

title

of one such glowing

me by my Agency pseudonym.

"For her aggressive efforts against a wide variety of targets, her forward-leaning-ness and her inclination to take the necessary risks to

perform the duties of a practiced C/O."

Probably written by some

new

trainee,

I

thought, as

I

recalled

LINDSAY MORAN authoring similarly hyperbolic and vaguely nonsensical corre-

spondences to our neophyte case

officers in

appreciated the praise nonetheless.

Some

had told the

quarters obviously job.

As

—

ing

I

I

of the

at least in the eyes

n addition

to

my own contacts,

been recruited by other case me. Handling a turnover,

was

It

like

I

officers

"Miss Gonzalez used to

let

was becom-

a successful spy.

and then "turned over"

going out with a guy who's

"And she always brought

was doing a good

met with agents who had

discovered,

I

I

for, I finally

—

CIA

I

higher-up at Head-

trainee that

had long hoped and trained

Kazakhstan.

was a more

hung up on

still

to

difficult task.

his ex.

me drive," complained one agent.

extra dollar for

my benzene and some

different expense."

"Miss Gonzalez and I

"You must give

and sighed

said,

My CIA boss back

my

have a different way of doing things,"

life,

"She was very good lady."

in the field

man named

radic visits to

regards to Miss Gonzalez, then," he

wistfully.

Scott

But, for the most part,

—

—would check

I

was on

was on the lookout

all

for

in

on me

laid-

periodically.

my own. And aside from spo-

Emma and Emily,

ample budget

and

a surprisingly amiable

spying was

—company my work—was

notwithstanding the perks

quarters, I

I

said.

the time.

all

car,

that

I

did.

My

spacious living

stressful

and

lonely.

Am I beingfollowed? Is some-

one following one of my agents? Whose black car with the tinted

windows Is

my

is

that parked in front ofmy house? Is

my phone tapped?

house bugged? Where would they have planted the video

BLOWING MY COVER cameras?

What

what if one of my

if I get arrested? Worse yet,

agents gets arrested?

Each

day,

varied

I

tential surveillants.

days,

I

my

Some

route to days,

work

I left

throw off po-

so as to

before the sun rose; other

puttered around until nine. During lunch hour,

countless errands

and frequently stopped by

my

I

ran

house in an

attempt to catch someone lurking the perimeter, or in furtive consultation with

my neighbor.

I

was sure she would have wel-

comed any opportunity to rat me out to I

the

Macedonian police.

drove infinite miles from the top of Skopje's

particularly awe-inspiring, lawless

Mount Vodno,

and congested center of town,

idyllic, if

not

to the seemingly

to the dismal city limits,

festooned with defunct factories and mountainous piles of roadside trash.

I

always wore dark sunglasses and used the

rearview mirror to scan the road behind me.

Sometimes, the steep

hill,

I

would go out on foot from

my house, down

through town, and across the ancient bridge that

spanned the Vardar River and connected the Slavic and Albanian sides of Skopje. There, blestone streets. Albanian

smoke

like

men

I

wandered the winding cob-

stood in the doorways, blowing

dragons in front of their

lairs,

while the

women

shuffled along with bursting bags of groceries, their heads cov-

ered by scarves and their eyes cast down. Occasionally,

I

went

in the sprawling chaos

to the cheap

outdoor shopping bazaar

of Shuto Orizari, where most of Skopje's

Gypsies resided. In Shuto, for some reason, it

would have been easy

to spot surveillants,

I felt

and

at ease. I

There,

was followed

only by noisy children with mismatched clothes and dirt-caked bare

feet,

who

ran after

me

begging for change.

LINDSAY MORAN

200

It

seemed

my

as if

knowledge I am a

spy.

only true companion was the secret I

would say

hiked alone up the mountain

swaths of material that maybe or as

My human real leather?

make

curtains,

for being a

woman

dis-

sitting

composed almost wholly of

contact was

How

How much for

a pound of tomatoes?

would you feel about committing

behalf of the United States? spent the majority of

—were my

constantly

my

who

busi-

Is this

treason on

The handful of people with whom

my

time

—and about whom

I

fretted

agents.

Maintaining an aura of professionalism, be

to

herself.

ness transactions:

I

—

I

rummaged through

I

would use

I

dainful looks of Skopje's youth

by

to myself sometimes as

or as

by myself drinking espresso and garnering the

sat

I

it

trail,

I

discovered,

would

hardest task. There were few male "targets" or agents

didn't try, at least once, to introduce the idea

our relationship. Sometimes,

I

think they hit on

of sex into

me more

as a

matter of personal pride than out of any genuine

interest.

Some

after se-

crets,

actually

seemed

relieved to discover that

I

was

not intimacy.

Of course, was up to

men

the

at first.

suspecting to be sluts

targeted

motives: American

spies.

This made

"I'm intrigued by your outlook," to coffee so that

must have wondered what

I

Regional chauvinism prevented them from

my true than

I

we can

talk

I

it

women

were more apt

easy to initiate contact:

would

say.

"Can

I

take

you

more, and perhaps in private?"

BLOWING MY COVER

20

1

What foreign man was going to say "no" when a young Amer-

woman

ican

him

asked

out?

It

was easy

asking seemingly innocuous questions, outlining the cables

What was

I

I

fessional nature

making

it

I

eventually recruited

being a decent agent, notwithstand-

reminders to him to be mindful of "the pro-

of our relationship."

that time, the

particularly

the while

target-cum-pursuers was Ahmet, a

and dapper Albanian businessman.

my constant

At

ear, all

had no intention of sleeping with him.

Ahmet and he ended up ing

to Headquarters.

not easy was maintaining the balance of feeding a

The most dogged of my jovial

the while mentally

all

would write back

man's ego, providing a sympathetic clear that

to play the ingenue,

CIA was very interested in the Balkans and

developments in Kosovo, the contentious region

bordering Macedonia to the north. While leadership in Belgrade maintained that Kosovo ought to remain part of Serbia, its

largely ethnic

gional autonomy. Palestine,

seemed land

—

to

Albanian population was demanding

Not

unlike the long-standing dispute over

both Serbs and Albanians viewed Kosovo

me

as the

re-

a polluted swath of

—which

post-Communist waste-

cornerstone of their respective cultures.

Meanwhile, the increasingly violent and impressively organized National Liberation

Army (NLA), composed of Kosovar

Albanian rebels and guerrilla

forces,

had begun

to

expand

its

aims, infiltrating Serbia's porous southern border into hitherto peaceful

Macedonia. By the spring of 2001, the

initiating routine attacks

army

barracks,

on Macedonian

NLA was

police stations

and

and claiming an increasing number of victims.

LINDSAY MORAN

202

Macedonians were outraged, of course, ica's

refusal to

do anything about the

tion the reluctance of the U.S. terrorist

in particular

government to

police

even our light switches and

toilet seats!"

competence,

Macedonia unable

left

The small country once heralded as

now

teetered

on

a

the Serbs took

fell,

one army officer com-

plained to me. This, coupled with their

own bumbling

in-

to effectively fight back.

paradigm of peace in the

the brink of civil war.

Ahmet

originally spotted

an "interethnic sympo-

at

sium," which took place at a poorly in the

NLA a

and military were crippled by lack

— of funds and equipment "When Tito

I'd

label the

men-

group.

The Macedonian

Balkans

by Amer-

incursions, not to

middle of nowhere.

lit

and outmoded hotel

He was well connected to a number

of allegedly significant Kosovar and Macedonian Albanians.

The former of his

cohorts

all

seemed

like

mobsters to me, and

the latter hapless and inexperienced politicians

Macedonian

Slavs

—were bewildered by

their

—

who

like the

Kosovar brethren's

unprecedented triumphs.

When

I first

started developing

Ahmet, we would meet

an out-of-the-way and unpopulated Albanian-owned

at

pizzeria.

With its peach-colored curtains and Norman Rockwell reprints, the tiny basement restaurant seemed

more

like a place to get a

root canal than something to eat. Although he claimed to be a

devout Muslim,

Ahmet

always ordered vodka and ate pizza

with sausage on top. Like everyone

would smoke through

he

on

his

the meal, taking a dozen calls

mobile phone. You'd think he had the world.

else in the Balkans,

his finger

on the pulse of

LOWING MY COVER

my

Despite

protestations,

I

were some overgrown

Ahmet would

Once he even

small bite-size pieces for me.

No

infant.

pot,

I

felt like

and

I

prevent

usually took

him

Emily's total

into

me,

as if

tried to feed

smoke,

didn't

I

incessant offers of his ciga-

one or two

some

more at

constantly imploring

in Bulgaria.

him and

just to appease

other,

and a bevy of kids

a wife

him from

bing" with

my pizza

the uncool kid in high school, pressured to try

the conversation going in

Ahmet had

cut

matter that

Ahmet would wear me down with rettes.

203

home, but

me

to

amusement were

show up

to

I

that didn't

go "nightclub-

could only imagine

I

get

relevant direction.

Emma

and

with what

in Sofia

appeared to be an Albanian gangster in tow.

Months

me seemed

Ahmet's respect for "I love

risky for us to

objections to

apartment!"

earlier, I'd

meet

more

"broke cover,"

to

be

were

a city

dump,

Ahmet

cautioned

sitting in his

miles from

that

it

was too

publicly; not surprisingly, he'd raised

"We

discreet venues.

Ahmet had

"Your car will do,"

"How would you I

finally

We

CIA!" he exclaimed loudly.

downtown. Weeks

I

to increase manifold.

Mercedes next to what appeared

asked.

when

into our relationship,

my

can use

no

friend's

suggested.

I'd said, to his

like to

had written up a

work

CIA

too?"

careful "pitch proposal"

back to Headquarters, outlining

ment meeting would play

manifest disappointment. for the

how

I

I

now

and sent

it

thought the recruit-

out.

"C/O Hadley anticipates

little risk

of blowback

in

executing

the pitch," I'd written, referring to myself in the third person, as

is

characteristic

of

CIA

sidered, insane people.

case officers

and

"C/O Hadley doubts

also,

I

often con-

that Subject ever

LINDSAY MORAN

204

would report the pitch or C/O's lice

true affiliation to the local po-

or security services. Subject already

is

aware that he

is

tak-

ing considerable risk by meeting with C/O."

Ahmet

—

nanosecond of consideration about the im-

after a

plications of committing espionage

—shrugged and

said,

"Okay,

no problem." At The Farm,

they'd never said recruiting an agent could be

this easy.

"You cannot even your "I

never

"And

if

me

..."

an

affair."

I

tell

anyone about

it," I

cautioned Ahmet. "Not

wife."

my wife anything." Ahmet winked at me.

tell

anyone catches us together, or asks how you know braced myself. "You should

"No problem, no problem." Ahmet, beside himself with enthusiasm. "If we will

make

I

could

must

to

we're having

tell,

do

was nearly it,

then

we

sex."

"No, Ahmet!

We

—

our cover story

"No

them

tell

sex?"

don't actually have an

for if

Ahmet

we

said,

affair.

That's only

get caught."

simultaneously hopeful and disap-

pointed.

"No

sex,"

I

said. "I give

you money and you

mation. Just like you've been doing. Only formalize our relationship. So that

you

give

me

now we're

will

infor-

going to

be protected and

also paid."

"No holding "No, Ahmet. if

you

hands?" It's

get caught,

business. Serious business, okay? Because

you could go

to jail."

BLOWING MY COVER

Ahmet waved

"Bah!" will tell

we

everyone

"No,

don't,"

I

making

are

"Don't

And with

that,

for I

Ahmet

Albanian

eyes as if I were a

huge bore.

me."

Ahmet

pulled out a secrecy agreement for

was a

to sign, as well as ten crisp one-hundred-dollar bills. It

modest

—by Agency

standards

While Ahmet had been in a slew

I

bragging about his

to a rapt audience at the

Ahmet rolled his

no problem

not get caught.

anyone anything."

tell

"Okay, okay." "It is

will

sex."

said, picturing

young American concubine pizzeria.

"We

his hand.

205

of accolades for

ued to be somewhat

—

signing bonus.

— —he

relatively easy to recruit

me from

Headquarters

resulting

contin-

difficult to handle.

"Why can we not have relations?" Ahmet again pleaded as he drove us along some mountainous southern Macedonian thoroughfare. I don't get paid nearly enough to deal with this

thought to myself. Hours that bordered

beseechingly at

wheel. "Keep your eyes

to

Our

we'd met at a cafe along the road

Lake Ohrid, about 160 miles south of Skopje.

Ahmet looked time:

earlier

shit, I

relationship

on the

is

me from

road,"

I

behind the steering

said. "I told

you

Anyway, Ahmet, do

business.

I

last

have

remind you? You're married." "Ach!"

Ahmet

groaned. "Here,

and have some other "Anyway,

I

it is

normal

to be

married

girlfriends too."

have a boyfriend,"

normal to have more than one."

I

lied.

"And

for

me

it's

not

LINDSAY MORAN

206

"What

boyfriend?!"

"In America,"

Ahmet demanded.

lied again, feeling pathetic for resorting to

I

inventing a boyfriend just to get

Ahmet

off

my

back. "He's

American."

"American men, bad tively.

"What

"He's, realized

er,

.

.

.

photographer,"

I

—

was thinking

—of James

"Photographer!"

with

this

authorita-

his business?"

is

a

Ahmet announced

lovers,"

absurdly,

Ahmet practically guffawed. "You will

I

starve

man."

"Pull in there."

I

pointed, as

we approached what appeared

Ahmet parked amid

to be a rarely frequented scenic overlook.

a patch of pine trees through

which peeked the

brilliant or-

ange rays of a rapidly setting sun. "Okay, what do you have for me?" into his jacket

—

I

said.

and pulled out a small stack of notes

writing

that he'd prepared. For the next

diligently

went over everything

met, a

month

He

hour or

reached

—

in tiny

Ahmet

so,

he'd recorded since we'd last

earlier.

At the end of our meeting, salary,

Ahmet

I

handed Ahmet

his

monthly

four hundred dollars carefully folded in a newspaper.

signed a small

slip

of paper with the

alias

name

he'd se-

lected himself, with a certain measure of pride: Bobby.

I

worried

less

about Ahmet's amorous intentions than

about his getting caught.

He

security measures in which

I

didn't

had

pay much attention

diligently trained him.

I

did

to the

BLOWING MY COVER "Never

call

me on

times. "We'll just

and

if one

the phone,"

meet

at the

207

Ahmet

I'd said to

time and place

of us doesn't show up,

we go

we

countless

agreed upon,

to Plan B, okay?"

"Of course!" Ahmet appeared visibly offended

that

felt

I

the

need to remind him. Inevitably,

I

my

would be midway through

surveillance-

detection route to one of our prearranged meeting

my mobile phone would that

Ahmet was not even

him

to

do

if

ring.

From

the caller ID,

using a pay phone, as

could see

I

I'd

when

sites

instructed

ever he really needed to call me, "but only in case

of emergency." I

ten,

would debate momentarily whether or not I

just let the

phone

ring.

But

hoping that

"Lisssaaaaa!"

times it

I'd

was an

my

shout,

him not

to use

am on my way

alias. "I

to

I

would answer,

my exasperation.

voice conveyed

Ahmet would

instructed

Of-

occasionally, worried that in-

deed something had happened to Ahmet, "Yes?,"

to answer.

no matter the number of

my .

.

.

name, even though the place

.

.

.

now.

Is

okay?" "Fine,"

I

would

how I would

say,

chastise

Sometimes

I

steaming

mad and

Ahmet when we

thinking ahead to

finally

met.

arrived at the designated meeting spot,

Ahmet was supposed

to be skulking imperceptibly

where

among

the

shadows, to find him standing in the middle of the road, chatting

away on

his

mobile phone.

begin waving wildly.

Once he even had

flowers that he used to flag

guiding a plane to

its

When

gate.

me down,

he saw me, he would a

bouquet of vibrant

like

an

aircraft router

LINDSAY MORAN

208

I

handled agents out of country, meaning

also

periodically in other parts of the world.

I

met them

I

traveled in alias, an

ordeal that required significant advance planning as well as

and other CIA

endless consultations with Headquarters

Before

fices.

had

to travel

to pick

the

up

even could begin an operational

I

first

my

some country outside of

to

alias

of-

always

the Balkans

documents from another CIA

officer in

field.

The first time I was

to travel in

to obtain

that

I

called "operational

should

fly to

Vienna

my documents from Case Officer Cecelia H. Abing-

"C/O Abington will

ton:

what was

me

Headquarters informed

alias,"

forward soonest contact instructions

and short description of herself to take place I

trip, I

C/O

Hadley, for meeting to

24 December."

wasn't thrilled about the prospect of working over Christ-

mas, but

I

figured staying in

Macedonia and celebrating by

—with a roasted chicken and some mashed potatoes

myself

would have been

grim a prospect.

just as

were off on some holiday jaunt to which

when said,

I

broached the idea with

"With Macedonia

anyone leave I

.

.

liked Scott

.

unless,

my boss,

in the state

of course,

I

knowing

he sighed and

can't afford to

have

to please him, so

I

toll I felt

my concerns would sound

—wanting

to

some point

to have a date. Scott's par-

petty and inconsequential at

been invited, but

never complained about the

the job was taking on me,

hoping

and Emily

related to an operation."

immensely and was eager

didn't press the issue.

feeling lonely,

I'd

Scott,

it is, I

it's

Emma

spend time with

friends,

BLOWING MY COVER had worked

ents

209

worked

for the Agency, his wife

for the

Agency, the Agency was the only thing Scott knew. In his view, the opportunity to spend Christmas I

had not met with the agent

contented Bosnian to

not

a

—

raise

—

a

dour and perpetually mal-

since she'd

And December was

a

been turned over

first

woman might

me. Scott was afraid the

in the cold."

at

woman

working was an honor.

be feeling

good time

to go:

"left It

out

would

if either I or the woman traveled my absence would give my other agents

anybody's suspicions

Christmastime, and

much-needed

break.

Ahmet,

unreliable since the start of he'd also given

for one,

had been grouchy and

Ramadan. In addition

up smoking and drinking. The

last

to fasting,

time

I

saw

him, he looked haggard and thin, and hadn't even made any attempt to hit on me.

Holidays were a time to spend with family and friends, but I

put that out of

written

me

my

off as dead;

and surely alarming. circle

ceived

mind.

my

And

I

figured

letters to

aside

from

my

family had

them were

Emma

internal e-mails:

but

so obscure,

and Emily,

of friends had dwindled to a tiny black point.

some Agency

all

my

I'd re-

from Ethan, who was

based in the States but seemed to be traveling the world; Alec, serving in Latin America; Ophelia, posted to a posh Western

European the

capital;

Middle

and even

Jin Suk, stationed

East. Jin Suk, like

not to have planned

some fabulous holiday

for the

December. She would work over Christmas

enough of this

job," she wrote to me.

be doing everything

we

somewhere

in

me, was the only other person

trained

for.

"It's

month of

too. "I can't get

so cool to actually

I'm wondering

if

you

feel

LINDSAYMORAN

210

was

"Absolutely!"

my terse reply. No sense in providing am-

munition she could use against me, dismayed by what a

distrustful

thought,

I

all

the while

and hard-boiled person

I'd

become.

Working or

not, perhaps the operational trip

me some downtime, and where

C/0

it

Cecelia H. Abington sent

"And

will

word

should meet her

pew of a cathedral just within

the city limits of

is

petite

that

and blond," her cable

it

C/O

potentially alerting that

better than to question the

C/O

judgment of another

C/O

Hadley,"

I

C/O

wrote, hoping that

knew

I

case officer.

Abington a description of my planned

coat with a fake-fur collar, black leather gloves. for

read.

Abington would

be wearing sunglasses in the interior of a church, but

sent

my life

be wearing dark, mirrored sunglasses."

thought

I

would enable

could think about

I

"C/O Abington

Vienna.

I

was heading.

rearmost

at the

during which

attire:

I

wool

"No eyewear

Abington would

take the hint.

Weeks

later, I

chilling path

arrived at the cathedral after weaving a bone-

through the labyrinth of Vienna. The

were covered with

ice

and

frost,

and

der surveillance, they re about to see at last I

was

I

I

streets

kept thinking, IfI'm un-

me wipe out on my ass. When

pushed open the weighty timber door into the church,

at

once dismayed to

realize that

an evening service was

taking place. This was poor planning

on the

part of

C/O

Abington, the kind of move that would have garnered some-

one a slew of lesters

at

The Farm.

BLOWINGMYCOVER The

rear pews,

211

where we were supposed to meet, were

One

with caroling Austrians.

filled

of the parishioners wore dark,

mirrored sunglasses and didn't appear to be singing with the others.

Could

it really

be

though? First of

her,

of totally indeterminate gender.

And while

nally decided.

even

C/O

years ago, but she to find

hair, rather

was

petite

—

fi-

Lilliputian

than blond, was in fact

Abington might have been blond

now had

I

fifty

the kind of white hair you'd expect

on the head of Little Red Riding Hood's grandmother,

or Father Time.

I

gingerly approached.

"Excuse me, ma'am,"

what time clearly

woman,

could be a

certainly she

—her close-cropped

shockingly white.

It

the figure was

all,

I

I

said in English.

"Can you

tell

me

at

might hear the Gregorian chants?" Abington had

gone out of her way

to

come up with

the

most

ridicu-

lous "verbal recognition" exchange she could. She cocked her

forehead

down and

peered out above the rims of her mirrored

Ray-Bans.

"You must mean the eunuchs' the agreed-upon response.

One of the Austrian

around, scowling, and shushed ton,

and

we

as

me

she slipped

documents. left

I

choir," she stage-whispered,

us.

I

slid in

carolers turned

next to

C/O Abing-

wordlessly faced the cathedral's ornate front, a small plastic zip-lock bag containing

my alias

waited until the end of the yuletide hymn, then

the cathedral, glad to be rid of her.

From

there,

I

commenced what would be

long and circuitous journeys

the

as Isabel Hartlet

my alias

first

of many

from Lander,

Wyoming.

I'd

earlier, I'd

spent a few weeks rock climbing near this small

chosen Lander

as

origin because, years

LINDSAY MORAN

212

western town.

My memories of dusty Lander and its surround-

ing environs were as vivid as still

Wind

picture the sprawling

craggy,

if I'd lived

imposing mountains,

in

there

my life.

all

could

I

River Indian reservation; the

which were embedded

crystal-

cold alpine oases; and the dense, nearly impenetrable woods,

through which myriad babbling brooks and carved their winding paths. I

Whenever

I felt

lost

fish-filled rivers

or disillusioned,

conjured these images and recalled the simple truths that the

nature near Lander had seemed to provide me. I

spent the next hour poring over

down on

a

bench

in the

my documents,

dark corner of a Vienna wine

drank chardonnay diluted with sparkling water, and of fatty sausage and crumbly yellow cheese. self over

and

my

their birth dates.

cal sign, Libra,

and

I

cellar. I

ate

chunks

repeated to

I

my new name and birth date, my

and over again

Security number,

hunkered

parents'

knew

I

names

—Harold and Agnes

the details of

invented for myself a

a fledgling travel writer,

I

decided.

I

my-

Social

my new astrologi-

new job: I would be

reveled in temporarily re-

creating myself. If

anyone asked,

Women's Guide and how

I

I

was working on a book

to Traveling

managed

to

Alone Around the World."

commence my tour in Vienna,

with a hitherto totally unadulterated passport,

come I

called

I

"The

Why

Austria,

hoped wouldn't

up.

looked around and noticed that the wine bar had

with fashionable and attractive Viennese youth.

I

filled

up

envied their

easy camaraderie and carefree laughter as they shared carafes of

wine and mountains of fried potatoes. The men removed

their

BLOWINGMYCOVER ties

and unbuttoned

213

The women

their collars.

hair

let their

down.

What would I

if someone approaches me,

stick to

would be I

woman

wondered. Obviously,

was a guy and

if it

I

I

liked him,

told myself.

I

me once

Ethan e-mailing

to say that he'd

while traveling in

down

attempted to track him

doing

Even

necessarily aloof,

recalled

up" with a

my story.

I

alias.

and, based

"hooked

The woman

on her

later

difficulty in

Ethan had given her a fake

so, finally ascertained that

name. Enraged, she somehow found him back in the

States,

and commenced a campaign

Ethan

to

smear

his reputation.

ultimately was forced to confess the whole sordid rassing situation to his

Ethan wrote, "that

it is," I

CIA

have about ten

new

it

boss.

was a

"The long and big,

and embarthe short of

now

fucking mess and

my security file."

pages in

In any event, no guy approached. In fact, no one paid a

whit of attention to

me

the wintry night alone.

white

wine

lights,

and,

The

and even more

much

later, I

stumbled out into

cathedral square was strung with

alive

with revelers than the crowded

music blared from loudspeakers attached

bar. Classical

to

lampposts, and rosy-cheeked people thronged around canopied stands

from which vendors sold spicy sausages and hot mulled

wine.

Vienna seemed gritty Skopje, tipsy,

I

with

figured

and cupped

to

I

me

its

preternaturally clean

and bright

after

perpetually busted streetlamps. Already

might

as well

my steaming mug my

ing group of people about

have a

bit

of the mulled wine,

with both hands near a laughage.

I

looked

down

at

my

feet

LINDSAY MORAN

2/4

and noticed that

a long strand of toilet paper extended like a

streamer from one shoe.

had been there detection route

no doubt through the

—and

if this

great mirth. Suddenly,

and more

I

felt

drunk and

like

wondered how long the

I

anything but

which

to

—

"Hotel

to

and anonymous,

remove the strand,

desolate

C/O

night.

—

as "appropriate,

make

a

to the

C/O

staffed

Abington had

misnomer of tragic pro-

inquiries," she

Lander,

me

had written.

— "meaning Lord

—asked me

Wyoming, anywhere

countless ques-

near Cherry Hill,

New

where he had "too many relatives"? And why was a young

woman such as myself traveling around And what on earth had possessed me where the people were here,

I

dingy hotel

by a jaunty little Indian who wanted

of Beauty," he proudly informed

Jersey,

watched

out of the way, and secure."

know all about me and my travels. Rupesh Was

shuf-

Abington could not have been more wrong.

The front desk was

tions.

I

I

grew. Eventually,

I

and back

the Hotel Majestic

me

staff unlikely to

In fact,

more

the underground

would be spending the

I

recommended portions

to

free

alone.

the bustling nightlife, the

in

ofmy surveillance-

entirety

toward a new spot in the crowd. But the longer

made my way to

paper

was the source of the Austrians'

Using the unembellished foot fled

toilet

would

I

"so colorless

all

by her lonesome?

to

come

to Vienna,

and mean"? But

since

I

was

consider staying a few days longer so that Rupesh

me the best place to get a curry in all of Austria? No matter how I tried to circumvent Rupesh, he seemed al-

could show

ways to be to catch

at

hand or underfoot. In the morning,

an early bus to Budapest.

He was up

I

rose at five

already, busily

BLOWING MY COVER

—

manning the

front desk

arranging the

ceipts,

275

scrutinizing passports, stapling re-

room

—

keys in their cubbyholes

just as

he had been the night before. Trained to be highly suspicious, I

also

wondered why Rupesh was taking such an

me. As

I

searched in

pesh's delight

"In case

—

if

I

my

ever return,"

I

bag for

might have I

my wallet,

his last

said, tracing

occasionally yielded

You can never be too

careful,

I

I

to

Ru-

would check him out

some

thought

—

my finger over the em-

through the Headquarters database, which

—

asked

name.

bossed business card he readily offered.

and flawed

I

interest in

as

I

—

outdated

albeit

useful information.

slipped the card into

my pocket. "You pesh

most welcome every time you

are

waving

said,

From Vienna spa in Bavaria, hither

and

to

I

backed out the smudgy

Nearly half of my

the real purpose of

my

travel

trip,

shopping, and eating on

would

strike

up

glass door.

trains, busses,

and automobiles

sometimes backtracking on myself, so that

would have been nearly impossible route.

Ru-

Budapest to Prague to a remote wooded

took planes,

I

fro,

gaily as

are returning!"

it

to follow Isabel Hartlet's

was designed simply to obscure

which meant

my

a lot of sightseeing,

own. Occasionally, someone

a conversation, but

I

always cut

him

off pretty

quickly.

When really

I

finally

enjoy

my

reached the posh Bavarian resort,

luxurious surroundings.

part, sequestered in a hotel

room with

I

I

couldn't

was, for the most

Jasna,

my

agent,

who

LINDSAY MORAN

2 16

spent

much

of our meetings complaining about her domi-

neering mother-in-law, her good-for-nothing husband, her slutty stepdaughter,

and her generally miserable

all

over God's green earth to meet this

the astronomical salary

—

discover

far

Jasna had

when far as

exceeded

come

we

woman; not

paid her, which

—

to

tell

to the attention of the

—

Agency

years earlier

that she'd been a schoolmate

friend of then Bosnian Serb president,

most brutal of Serb

the

and

later

dictators

falsely,

and

so

close

notorious war

had distinguished

criminal, Biljana Plavsic. Plavsic

among

to travel

mention

was loath to

I

—

could

had

my own.

she'd claimed to her recruiting case officer I

It

life.

me

cost thousands of American taxpayer dollars for

herself even

and military com-

manders by openly characterizing ethnic cleansing

as "a natural

phenomenon." She was even famously photographed stepping

Muslim

over the body of a dead

civilian to plant a kiss

cheek of a murderous Serbian warlord I

didn't find

once been

it

known

as

on the

Arkan.

implausible that Jasna and Plavsic could have

friends,

but

I

had begun

to

doubt

Jasna's claim

continued access to the woman, since she rarely had any formation for

"My about

in-

us.

friend has been very busy," Jasna said

Plavsic.

of

when

I

asked

"She has no time for talking anymore." After

es-

pousing some vague and unsubstantiated theories about the future of Republika Srbska, Jasna was back to lamenting about

her family.

Although

I

knew

that

one purpose of these face-to-face

meetings was to "build rapport"

—

so that Jasna wouldn't feel

BLOWINGMYCOVER

217

abandoned during the intervening months when we

—

each other likewise,

hated every minute of

would have

be on her I

I

it

and knew

preferred to just collect her

didn't see

that she,

money and

way

generally dismissed Jasna at seven o'clock every night. She

was glad to be able to pocket the

rest

eat

tomato sandwiches for dinner and

of her generous food allowance. Unlike Ahmet

and most other agents, Jasna tioned against using her

gant purchases, which

need to be constantly cau-

didn't

CIA

surely

salary to

make

large or extrava-

would arouse the suspicions of

her colleagues and neighbors. She happened to be an

uncom-

mon miser, and even steadfastly refused to let me set up a bank account for her, though the

explained that not only would

I'd

money be far safer overseas,

it

would

also generate interest.

Jasna instead stockpiled cash in tinfoil-wrapped packages that she stored in her freezer. that couldn't believe her

any day now, the

Once

think there was a part of Jasna

CIA would wise up

I'd released

minibar, order

I

profound good fortune and feared

room

to the scam.

Jasna for the evening, service,

and then

would

I

start

hit the

going over

notes, struggling to garner tidbits of information that

be of interest to Headquarters amid of Jasna's

that,

all

the boring

my

might

melodrama

life.

At the end of Jasna. Since

amounted

we

a couple of days of the

same

routine,

hadn't seen each other in months, the

I

paid

money

to a stack as high as a cinder block.

"What about my

taxi to the airport?"

meticulously counting the

money

twice.

Jasna

demanded

Although

I

knew

after

that

LINDSAY MORAN

278

she always got someone to drive her, bills.

There was no sense

myself, she

I

my

is

risking her

I

peeled off a few extra

in inciting Jasna.

Anyway,

I

reminded

life.

made my way back toward Vienna, where I would true-name documents from

when

the relief I'd feel

I

C/O

retrieve

Abington, anticipating

was Lindsay Moran again. Harrowed

and exhausted from operating

in alias, I'd given little

thought

to returning to Eastern Europe.

The ride from the Skopje airport to my house traversed a predictably bleak Balkan landscape glaciers

—grim

architecture; roadside

of blackening snow; Gypsy children swathed in stolen

blankets, lighting matches under the frost-covered piles of

frozen trash. Inhospitable as

come

respite

from the

was okay to

least, it

Once

I'd

it

was, Skopje

seemed a wel-

of Vienna. Here,

relentless gaiety

feel

still

miserable and alone.

written up the few shoddy intels

I

was able to

ner from Jasna's rambling diatribes, as well as a slew of

dane operational cables documenting to

head

to Sofia.

The

the following day

ment, in case

As

my

I

girls

all

my

travel,

I

left

to surprise

me

lights

industrial plant,

mun-

decided

them

the key to her apart-

for

New Year's.

car barreled across unlit miles, occasionally

up by the red

gar-

would be returning from vacation

and Emily had

wanted

at

broken

and smokestacks of some gargantuan

my mind

wandered back,

across the ocean,

to James.

My

love

life

faded farewell

had been

kiss. I'd

fairly

nonexistent since our long-

occasionally craft

some hopefully

infor-

BLOWINGMYCOVER mative and amusing e-mail

—

in reality,

In writing, to plague

about

it

letter,

hoping

was easy

me, and since

my

work,

poselessness

I

I felt.

sending

James

I

—

wasn't permitted to disclose anything

There

also

was no mention of any

—

I

sent

to everyone, but

satisfied

it,

stress. I

with the

most importantly

was carefree and contentedly

I

seemed

to disguise the loneliness that

I

never complained about the sense of pur-

could create

that

group

in the guise of a

it

to impress James.

read and reread each missive before illusion

2 19

to

my exotic

living in

new home. "I generally delete

ter

group e-mails," James confessed in a

found waiting for

I

tional trip.

writing.

"But

I

me when

when

I'm alone.

Why don't you just quit whatever

over there," James concluded, "and go

This

letter

gave

me

such an inner

words

again, scrutinizing the

meaning. The only thing

James somehow had

and sensed

on the

toward

your

up

it

again and

hint of his deeper

infer,

however, was that

my job.

I

my

had

messages

to chuckle,

picturing myself announcing to Scott and the rest of the that I

I

to

lecture circuit?"

read

thrill, I

read between the lines of

my ambivalence

opera-

like

I

that you're

it is

some

for

could

I

my

returned from

I

save yours to read

let-

CIA

intended to "go on the lecture circuit."

envied James for living seemingly entirely on his

terms. Before I'd for years he'd

left

for

Macedonia, James had told

been a medical drug

At the age of thirty-one

—

the

rep.

same age

denly quit to travel around the world.

"Hating I

was now

He

by winning international swim marathons option for

me

—and he

it!"

me

own that

he'd said.

—

he'd sud-

supported himself

—

granted, not an

started taking pictures.

LINDSAY MORAN

220

had no experience

"I

as a

photographer," James said on the

night we'd sat for hours, willing time to stand

still

in the cab

my truck.

that

was

"But

I

found out

I

liked

and so

it,

that."

—

had inspired me,

James's confession

albeit a little late

was leaving for Macedonia the next day to embark upon a spook.

life as

thing

else,

Still, I

couldn't I?

cided that indeed I

I

would write more

had no clue

—and

which would link

again,

me

would

I

asked

start

swimming

my

Macedonian

neighbor about the public swimming pool. "That place

pool

said. "Is all tsigani there,"

derogatory term for Gypsies. "They are using

I

hated to submit to

cided to wait until

ming

career.

least a

I

my

neighbor's prejudices,

There the public pools,

known

if

I

de-

commence my swim-

arrived in Sofia to

not luxurious, were

at

entity.

was thinking about swimming and about writing and

about James when, suddenly, the

lights

of Sofia shone up to

me as I rounded the final hill. This city seemed like Paris me and, as I drew ever nearer to Emily's apartment, the

greet

to

is fill

using

as public toilet."

While

I

de-

to James.

with vermin and disease," she

common

I

—although about what

I

also that

In a futile attempt to curry favor,

the

my

occasionally thought, / could do some-

After rereading James's letter for the umpteenth time,

exactly,

of

closest thing to

home.

NINE

No

one can find

me at Vends hideaway

in the hillside village

Svoge in northwestern Bulgaria. The town late,

come

which only adds

is

of

famous for its choco-

to the fairy-tale allure

of this place I have

to escape.

Hours

earlier,

I met Vend at the Sofia Central train

station,

crawling with every strain of mankinds misfortunate: hardened old babas toting bulging bags of cucumbers, Gypsy kids sniffing glue from bags, a chorus line of addict-thin prostitutes pulling at their stockings. After the unsettling scenes at the train station, the

countryside seems, in a word, enchanted.

a gently winding river that carves stone

cliffs,

all

its

The

train tracks follow

way through jagged

of which seem subdued by the sweet smell ofa

distant spring wafting into the open caboose.

limestill-

LINDSAY MORAN

222

In Svoge

itself, there's

steep hill from the edge

a similar

sense

of calm. Venci hikes up a

town and stops

of the tiny

to

buy bread

and chocolate, cannedfish, some pasta and tea, a few warm juice for the morning, as well as four eggs

ing up the sack ofeggs, he will

make each

I am upward,

still

charmed by

lighting

on the

est

to

tell

who

is

like

ornaments the high-

its

calling,

key,

shrill

the mobile

phone

and sudden

ring.

in

It's

dark

but the shocking fluke that

in these elevated sticks leads

my my

me to sus-

must be important. I answer.

"May I speak It's

continue hiking

all sides against the winter.

produce the

phone would actually work it

we

whipping wind, the

tree. Venci's family's villa is

pocket startles both of us with

and I cant

the

up along the darkened hillside,

boarded up on

As he fumbles

pect

and as we

his mistakes,

on some enormous Christmas hill,

"Lately,

other breakfast.

I am seduced by the setting sun,

little villas

and some cheese. Hold-

out his English on me:

tries

beers,

to Elisaveta?" Scott's voice crackles over the line.

code for an emergency, meaning he wants to meet immediately

at a predesignated street corner back in Skopje.

"Wrong number, " I say

reflexively,

and hang up.

As soon as the line goes dead, I realize how much

trouble I'm

in.

Embarrassed to ask again for permission to travel to Bulgaria, I just went, without authorization

even

tell Scott.

Now he'll be expecting to see me in

and I'm a two-hour train to

from Headquarters. I

ride,

didn't

thirty minutes,

followed by a three-hour drive, not

mention an entire country away from our meeting spot. Venci looks at

me

as if I'm crazy

pay phone, and I need to go home.

"Now?"

"

when I say,

"I

need

to find

a

"

BLOWING MY COVER

223

"Yeah, now.

"But we just got

here.

There are no trains tonight.

"

"What about a pay phone?"

my eyes.

Venci must see the desperation in

"Maybe

head

in Svoge center, " he says, scratching his

a

like

confused cartoon character. This episode will only confirm Vends suspicion that

Tm

a

spy.

As we stumble down the air grows colder, the to

mount. It sinks in

to

the hill in the

wind picks

me

Ofcourse,

am

and my anxiety continues

and I are

in the middle

of

up a proverbial creek.

—which

the single pay phone back at Svoge's "center"

itselfis nearly

In fact,

up,

that Venci

nowhere and that I, for one,

now consummate darkness,

there's

imperceptible to the

human

—

eye

does notfunction.

a gaping, cavernous hole in the booth right where

the telephone should be.

Vends not asked me any more

questions,

but he's gone through

half a pack of cigarettes by the time I punch

my own

Scott's

number

into

mobile phone. Calling Scott directly constitutes an even

bigger no-no than disappearingfrom the country without a trace. Scott's

and my mobile phone numbers should never be linked. But

at this point, I don't

know what else

to do.

"You called for Elisaveta?" I manage

to

croak out

when

Scott

answers. "Yesssss?"

His

irritation seeps through the phone like

a noxious

gas leak. "Well,

er, she's

in Bulgaria right now.

"I see, " Scott's terse reply

is

"

followed by a long, interminable

pause. "Well, tell her to get back as soon as she can. ting the fan in Macedonia,

and the

The shit is

hit-

border might be closed soon.

"

LINDSAY MORAN

22A

When I hang up, I realize my ing at "I

me as

have

"No,

back across the border.

this,

My

"

Vend

reaches for

can work.

us,

He's looking at

not you,

I

me skeptically,

it's

I don't know even if

searching

my face.

me, " I say, wondering if this sounds cliche in "It's

complicated. I can't explain.

I

"

"Wait until morning?" Vend reaches again for There are no more trains back

him my hand and Later,

quivers as

"

Bulgarian as well as English. just have to go.

mouth

my hand.

okay. " I step back. "Look, Vend,

I mean

"It's

"

I can.

with you.

it's

have filled up. Vends look-

ifsomeone has died.

to get

speak. "As soon as "I'll go

eyes

together

to Sofia tonight

we hike back up

my hand. anyway. I give

the hill in silence.

I will fall asleep on the floor in front of the wood-burning

stove into

which Vend has stoked a blazing fire.

By morning, I am

slathered in

my own sweat. My headaches as

remember ifmy conversation with

I try

to

real.

I wash

gerly

toward the

my face

Scott

with water from a bucket

door.

By

the time

Vend wakes

was a dream orfor

and then up,

step gin-

I will be gone.

Emma and Emily slept in, after swimming at the Sofia public pool. Venci, whom I

'd first

run into him one morning, while

I'd originally

fore,

met when

must have known

I'd

come

me when I emerged onto Vasil

my wet

hair

to Bulgaria to teach years be-

I'd be there, because

he was waiting for

Levski Boulevard. Shaking out

and blinking into the sun,

against a half-crumbled concrete

pillar,

I

spotted

him

smoking a

leaning

cigarette,

— BLOWING MY COVER and looking more

like a

movie

star

225

than a security guard

at a

Bulgarian Bingo Hall.

Vend was not what anyone would have envisioned or wanted for

me. In

he did nothing but smoke and man-

his spare time,

ufacture tiny ashtrays out of whatever

around: a bottle cap, a shard of glass, a

happened

to be lying

of orange rind, an

sliver

Odor-Eaters lining that'd fallen out of some old shoe.

ingly shiftless

wondered I

—and

another Bulgarian, no

in her last letter,

didn't have the heart

had met

I

time

I

his

"What do

tell

rudderless, shriveled-up, self.

less

—

boyfriend,

his parents do?"

her that the father was a similarly

and

toothless version of Venci

mother only once, the

first

by

far the

suburban slums. Venci and

time and

I

I'd

most discouraging of

been mesmerized by

Sofia's

rainy

last

its

sprawling

wretchedness

as

passed through a door with no knob into a pitch-

black entryway that smelled like a shallow grave. Later,

was upset with Venci,

I

him-

spent the night at the apartment Venci shared with her

in Lyulin,

ever

My

my having settled down with such a seem-

mother, aghast over

Sunday and

I

imagined him

at

when-

home on

a

my anger dissolved at once into pity.

Venci had the back

room where

there

was no space

for

a proper bed, just

some kind of

looked

of lawn furniture. Through the window,

the

like a piece

moon

fold-out contraption that

illuminated clutter: water-warped algebra books,

broken Christmas-tree ornaments, a stack of Time magazines fifteen years old, the

pages of which must have been

thumbed

through a thousand times.

When morning noises:

came,

running water,

his

I

was half

mother

of the

afraid

light, the

— making

oh, Jesus

coffee,

LINDSAY MORAN

226

clanging pots, the telephone ringing, and voices so clear

sounded

as if all the

apartment dwellers had convened

With each

foot of the fold-out bed.

and

closer

The

birds outside started fight,

little

particles

of dust floated

fore,

I

place.

spotted a

when we

garia

me

Tom

first

slamming themselves

somehow

but

against the

insulated in the

I felt

Sun streamed through the window and

pathetic

floor,

at the

drew

said, "Sleep a little longer."

looking for a

glass,

intrusion, Venci

it

Robbins novel

met,

I'd

when I was an

On

beams.

like tiny angels in its

the

given Venci years be-

English teacher in Bul-

and Venci was a handsome young university student,

before

became

I

a spy

Bingo Hall. The book,

and he dropped out as far as

took place inside a carton of

I

recalled,

to

work

at the

was a love story that

which now somehow

cigarettes,

seemed appropriate.

When

Venci

and moved

left

to the

the room,

I

pulled

on one of his

T-shirts

window. The scene outside was about

as

sun

al-

miserable as one could

imagine, the brilliantly shining

most mocking the ugliness below. There was nothing but barren ground, scavenging dogs, a battalion of battered-looking bloks,

rugs

and

—

erings.

women

in housedresses beating the bejeezus out

as if their sorry lot in life

were the

fault

of

of the floor cov-

Some of them just stared from the balconies like guards

perched in towers, overseeing a dusty prison yard below. Across the way, an old

looked self

at

from

me and

man

in a white wife-beater tank top

spat seeds onto the ground.

his perspective. Doesn't she

must have wondered. Or some cabbage leaf?

rice

I

imagined my-

have some rug

and meat

to beat,

to roll

he

up in a

BLOWING MY COVER

When Venci came "You

are spying?"

assumed that

just

Emma,

Emily, and

back, he laughed at me.

he

said. I'd

never told Venci what

were

all

did;

I

he

Vends mind,

foreigners were spies. In

all I

227

part of an elaborate female espi-

onage network.

He upon

as

I

looked out

neighborhood.

"I gotta go,"

I

said.

me

know." Venci gave

"I

my eyes

could read the mortification in his

he warned me was

a towel for the bathroom,

which

"not so nice."

We were almost out the door when his mother shouted in a high-pitched squeaky voice, "Venciey! Venciey! " She emerged

from the kitchen waving a

more

coffee with while he

us was

my

fee.

I

couldn't

tell

who among

credentials, "amerikanska diplomatka, " she

much more welcoming I

was out.

note for Venci to buy

most mortified when she came upon me, but once

she heard

lovely

fifty-leva

—

stroking

was, berating Venci for not inviting

Thank God, he had

rather go

was

my hair and telling me how

the wherewithal to

me

to stay for cof-

know that I would

tumbling from the tenth-floor balcony.

"A prostitute

lives there."

neighbor's door as

we

Venci pointed nonchalantly to the

stepped into the elevator.

over for coffee sometimes." This was his

"She comes

way of trying

to

make

I

might

me jealous. In the stark light of early- morning Lyulin, Venci as well

We

have been the

last

plodded across what seemed

ghetto.

The

children's

like

an uninhabited lunar

playground equipment

tons petrified in concrete

and

two survivors of a nuclear holocaust.

—looked

—

metallic skele-

as if they hadn't

been used

LINDSAY MORAN

228

Plunked amid these

in years.

colorless Bulgarian badlands

was

an utterly puzzling stretch of pastoral land: farmhouses with

smoky

sagging rooftops,

middle of the yards,

stoves in the

chickens and roosters strutting about as their natural habitat.

ward

a gravel heap that

bus stop.

my

Venci took I

if

the

city's

edge were

arm and guided me

to-

never would have recognized as the

A mangy-looking dog wandered over to join us.

"He's got to get into

town

for

an appointment," he joked

as

the matted, boil-covered canine stationed himself by our side.

That

day, Sofia's city center

had never looked

so promis-

ing: the regal old buildings

with ornate trim, etched win-

dows, and

perched atop their corner

fantastical gargoyles

neon

flashing

signs over bustling

new

cafes;

spires;

cascading foun-

in whose mist the sun formed dazzling miniature

tains

bows.

I

stood in the spray and

kissed me,

and

I

thought

let

the sun

we must have

rain-

warm my face. Venci appeared very much

in love.

In front of the National Theater,

we stopped

to gaze at a

statue of a ballet dancer with disproportionately large feet.

"Sasquatch!" Venci said. statue: this elegant

ward an

woman

I

could not take

my eyes from the

frozen in a gesture that yearned to-

utterly elusive freedom.

It

was

as if the

mammoth

feet

fixed her otherwise graceful body to the ground. I

but

probably could have stood staring I

was anxious

with the

to get

girls to eat

at that statue for hours,

back to Emily's apartment.

I

had plans

eggs Benedict at the Sheraton, an estab-

lishment that Venci regarded with envy and disdain.

"Only

mootrite go there," he said, referring to the thick-

necked professional wrestlers-turned-mobsters who, having

BLOWING MY COVER purloined

229

of Bulgaria's public funds, had declared them-

all

emerging

selves the country's

he

"Mootrite, "

said.

The

aristocracy.

disgust in his voice

was palpable.

"And Americans." Mootrite notwithstanding,

count the number of hours

I

I'd

liked the Sheraton.

girls,

wishing

When Venci ment

I

I

stopped

to get

jealous

my

wryly, "Give

and suspicious of the

up and

at last in front

building, he leaned over to kiss

somewhat

el-

on Sunday afternoons with

would never have

and

couldn't

spent in Capitol, the hotel's

egant, high-ceilinged restaurant,

the

I

my

leave.

of Emily's apart-

forehead and said,

regards to the team.'" Venci was girls,

and the

feeling

He would become another part of my life that

I

was mutual.

couldn't really

share.

From

that

first

date

—

if

you could

call it

that

—he and

I

spent the next several weekends together, either in Sofia or in Skopje: walking around

arm

in arm, sharing plates of fried

potatoes with cheese, drinking cups of espresso into which

Venci would carefully point,

I

stir six

realized: I've got

thimblefuls of cream.

a boyfriend.

I

At some

didn't care that everyone

thought Venci was wrong for me. To me, he represented a quiet

form of rebellion.

even relished the opportunity to

I

fill

out the CIA-required paperwork. "Is

it

serious?" Scott asked

on which

I'd

designated

my

me when I handed him

the form

relationship with Venci as "inti-

mate," hoping that Scott would not expect

me

to further

elaborate.

"Not

really,"

I

—"He's more

self

said,

and

—

as if I

like a friend. I've

needed to better

known him

justify

for years."

my-

LINDSAY MORAN

230

"You've got a thing for Bulgarians?" Scott's friendly smile

prevented I

me from

said, "Well,

who had

sir,

taking offense.

served in

Moscow

we were

officers,

was only half joking when

during the Cold War, considered

anyone from the Eastern bloc

Agency

I

we're not allowed to date Russians." Scott,

to be evil incarnate,

in fact explicitly forbidden

and

as

from hav-

ing personal relationships with Russians.

send

"I'll

this in to

Headquarters." Scott slipped

and Continuing Contact Form into a cret,"

although

I

folder

my Close

marked "Top

Se-

was well aware that information on our per-

sonal lives was anything but top secret.

"And

we'll see

what

they say." Scott

had

less

of a problem with Venci than did

Emily, both of whom found

manding of my

time.

I

him

toxic, depressive,

seemed

I

and too de-

my weekends

started to split

Saturdays with Venci, Sundays with the ship was something

Emma and

girls.

in Sofia:

His companion-

came to need. The simplicity of Venci's

life

in such stark contrast to the increasing complexity of

my own, and in that I found some small, inexplicable comfort.

The weekend Venci and I had gone for

all

of half a day when Scott had called to beckon

The border I

to Svoge, I'd been

made

it

did not close after

all,

more

back to Macedonia, where tensions were high on

at

again.

me

to call out

when

I

Ahmet

finally

for an

ac-

A bomb had ex-

another Macedonian police station, claiming

victims. Scott,

wanted

me home.

and the following morning

count of the Albanian rebels acting up ploded

away

met with him,

said

emergency meeting.

five

he

BLOWING MY COVER "The seventh

floor

here," Scott said.

He

on

is

my

case about the situation over

always referred to Headquarters as

were his meddlesome mother-in-law. "See

on what the NLA's next move

intel

must have known,

Scott

231

as

if

your guy has any

will be?"

already did, that

I

Ahmet was

intimate enough with the hard-core rebels to have so

was

someone back with

in Bulgaria

Macedonia had been for

at

my new

means of exerting

just as a

as

boyfriend, and

casualties

I

summoned me

control.

teetering

on the

As spring approached, the

number of

much

Headquarters, had guessed

precipice of civil

weeks now, a simmering pot we were

over.

not

proposed plan of attack. Part of me suspected

a clue as to their

that Scott, or

if it

all

waiting to boil

attacks multiplied

mounted. The

NLA

war

and the

even managed to

completely overtake the village of Aracinivo, just on the outskirts

of Skopje.

gunfire

and

I

often

fell

Soon nearly

all official

sound of

asleep at night to the

shelling in the not-too-distant

hills.

American personnel were

recalled;

only officers deemed "essential to the mission" were permitted to stay.

Those of us who worked

for the

CIA, of course,

re-

mained. It

was becoming less and

ican in Macedonia,

less

comfortable to exist as an Amer-

where most of the population

The U.S. government's

refusal to intervene in

reviled us.

what Macedo-

nian Slavs saw as a terrorist-driven plot to overtake their country represented the ultimate affront.

thought

we owed them

of a U.S.

mention

Army

after

The Macedonian

they had agreed to construction

FYROM. Not

to

of our government during and

af-

base within the borders of

that, at the behest

leadership

LINDSAY MORAN

232

ter the

Kosovo

crisis,

Macedonia had taken

in countless Al-

banian refugees.

"No good deed

goes unpunished,

complained to

belligerent Vassil, the rock climber,

of our

phone

last

an ever-more-

eh?"

conversations. "Isn't that

me

in

how you guys

one

say

it

American?"

in

The American Embassy

by mobs of angry Macedonians

—

windows, diplomat-plated vehicles

"NATO = Nazi"

had been attacked twice

in Skopje

rocks

thrown through

set ablaze, swastikas

and

scrawled in black and red spray paint across

the embassy's once pristine white stucco walls.

After the second attack, an entire battalion of upright, close-cropped, and freshly scrubbed Marines arrived to protect the embassy.

compound,

Whenever

would

I

I

passed the

greet whichever

now heavily

guarded

young man happened

to

be on perimeter duty. Inevitably, the marine would nod curtly

and

say,

"Morning, ma'am." This interaction with the marine

guards soon became In Skopje, I

I

ter

about the

refrained

and

visited less

nian friends

I

my singular daily encounter with civility.

less

from speaking English

frequently with the scant few

had. Vassil and

fact that

in public

Goce both were

rock climbing was

and

Macedo-

particularly bit-

now totally out of the

question. The mountainous regions surrounding Skopje had

been overrun by gun- toting Albanian

guerrillas.

"They have ruined our country," Goce

we

said bitterly

when

ran into each other one day, after weeks of not speaking.

"And I

it is

never

with the help of people

knew how

to

like you."

respond to such accusations, especially

given the nagging sense that the allegations might be true. In-

BLOWING MY COVER stinctually,

empathized with the Albanian

I

tually, I realized

resulted lation.

233

from

my

affinity for the

rebels.

But

intellec-

presumed underdogs had and manipu-

their almost innate skill at flattery

While the Macedonians took every opportunity

to rant

against Americans, the Albanians were constantly blowing sun-

shine

up our asses;

it

was natural to

Eventually, however,

policy in

Macedonia

was so hard-pressed

I

that

I

from Headquarters

both sides of the

Luckily,

—

in.

I

who was under

to obtain advance

looked and dressed enough

my mouth

long

as

That

said,

my hostile

from, and by

defend U.S.

increasing

knowledge of

story.

as

that

to

ceased almost entirely to develop

Slav contacts. This frustrated Scott,

pressure

them over the Slavs.

side with

I

kept

women

like the local

—

shut

I

was able

to blend

neighbor never forgot where

summertime shed ceased speaking

to

I

came

me

alto-

gether.

About two weeks gave birth to a

The

kittens

after the stray calico cat that I'd

litter, I

came home

gasping for

cupped

life die,

streaming

and

cat dead.

watched the one kitten that was

I

tens

mother

were scattered about the yard, in various stages of

expiring. Horrified,

tears

to find the

adopted

their

down my

in

face,

I

my

hands.

a torrent of

scooped each of the dead

mother into a garbage sack

"They were poisoned," Scott

With

kit-

to dispose of.

said the next

him what had happened. "Our dog

still

day when

I

told

suffered a similar fate."

Sure enough, the Albanian gardener later discovered remnants of rat poison in and around the dish

I

had used

for the

LINDSAY MORAN

234

mother

food. Outraged

cat's

on

he almost proudly presented

my behalf by the cat massacre,

me

with the corroborating

evi-

powdery white substance sprinkled around the few

dence: a

remaining morsels of soggy cat food. As the gardener held up the small plastic bowl for

my

examination,

I

could not help

but notice him casting a wary eye toward the neighbor's house.

After awhile, the near-constant threat of violence in Mace-

donia became monotonous but

settles into dull,

—

like a noise that's grating at first

droning background. There was always

another bombing, a roadside skirmish, a truck blown up by a land mine, a

random

firefight in the hills,

more

shelling of vil-

lages near the border.

Walking around Skopje

me

time for

—

—never

grew into an

a particularly pleasant pas-

eerily solitary endeavor.

I

almost

missed the once-constant cacophony of the city and the fected aggression of its inhabitants.

I

figured that while the rest

of Skopje hibernated, the few people ture out

must be

As the to be

like

who

continued to ven-

me: up to no good.

security situation in

much more

af-

careful

Macedonia

deteriorated,

I

had

about surveillance detection. Even

the urban streets were lined with sandbag dugouts, behind

which the Macedonian military would hide from Teenage soldiers roved the

AK-47s.

A drive

to be stopped,

if

into the hills

swinging about their

was unthinkable; one was sure

not by the hapless Macedonian police or mil-

random

itary,

then

more

professional

at

city, carelessly

view.

roadside checkpoints

manned by

the

and intimidating-looking members of the

BLOWING MY COVER

NLA. Once, when Emily visited me from

235

Sofia,

we watched

news report featuring a division of the Albanian marching

in crisp

and

a

guerrillas,

perfect formation through the aban-

doned center of a Macedonian town.

"My God, they're hot*" Emily exclaimed of the fit young men with their sharp features and piercing blue eyes. "I had no

idea!"

Truly, the vigor

and

Macedonian regiments

discipline of the

—with —seem

One unusually blustery Sunday, cient

only

their ill-fitting

shaggy-dog looks of surrender

ing to service a signal

NLA

site.

The

site

all

the

made

uniforms and

more

hopeless.

spent the morning prepar-

I

was

at

Panteleimon, an an-

monastery perched high on the western side of

Vodno,

now home

a waste of

training,

Mount

to a restaurant that boasted a spectacular

view of the otherwise unspectacular

During

the

I

city.

had considered the

our time. "We'll never use

remember complaining

to

Ethan

signal site exercises

this crap in real life,"

after I'd spent

I

two hours

slogging around Colonial Williamsburg, looking for a place to plant a fake rock.

agents

—

The technique of communicating with

via chalk marks, discarded bricks,

flower seeds priate to

—seemed

to

me

any place except

archaic, not to

Moscow

and

scattered sun-

mention inappro-

or Beijing, where the

foreign intelligence services were so aggressive that

it

was im-

possibly risky to hold face-to-face meetings. But Scott

asked each of us to develop a signal

one of our agents:

"All

of you

site

had

system for use with

are relying

way

too

much on

LINDSAY MORAN

236

telephone communication," he cautioned during a monthly

convening of his small cadre of case

officers.

My sign would be a charcoal slash mark on a concrete water behind the hilltop restaurant.

well, situated in the parking lot

This would

agent that

alert the

within twenty-four hours.

day

at dusk,

ing, at I

wanted

to

The agent passed

hold a meeting

the site every Sun-

under the pretense of taking a diversionary drive

Upon seeing the charcoal slash mark, he me the following day at five in the morn-

up to the monastery.

would know

I

to

meet

our usual spot.

decided to ride

ate the

my bike

to the site, thinking

I

would

cre-

appearance of someone out recreating on a Sunday

afternoon.

First,

I

would conduct

detection route through town.

a "bicyclical" surveillance-

slipped a charcoal briquette

I

from the sack stored under the sink into out the door. For almost two hours, the nearly

abandoned

Macedonian

soldiers

city.

I

my pocket,

and went around

rolled aimlessly

A memorial

some

slain

before,

and

service for

had taken place the day

Skopje seemed even more somber and empty than usual. Relatively sure that

I

had not been followed,

incline toward Panteleimon. Just then, a

—

jet

I'd

started

Macedonian

up the fighter

been amazed to discover the country actually pos-

sessed a few

—soared

and

deafeningly,

ously close, overhead, causing

me

it

bicycle,

I

was sure that

I

seemed

to veer

bushes. Collapsed under the frame of

moded

I

to

me danger-

headlong into the

my

ridiculously out-

looked something

like In-

spector Clouseau. I I

struggled to

my feet and started cycling again.

Eventually,

reached the police checkpoint in front of the Hotel Pano-

BLOWING MY COVER rama.

The

usual cadre of guards

My legs

burned

seemed

air

me

as

coffee

from

silent.

I

Soon the

was

blissfully

realized that

diers

I

I

neared the

Vodno, Middle

perceived three camouflage-clad, heavily armed sol-

swaggering toward

me

in the

disorderly appearance

would

terrain to believe they

were

looked

I

up and away from the gloomy city. As

alone, miles

thermos

the zigzag road.

steep ascent that briefly plateaued at Sredna

Vodno,

a

on.

pumped up

I

and

fresh

seated around a poker table,

and drinking

eating grilled sausages

nonchalantly waved

—

237

like the riffraff

lead

middle of the road. Their

anyone unfamiliar with the

guerrilla insurgents.

To me, they

of which the Macedonian

Army was

generally composed, except that these guys appeared ready

and poised

to

conduct an

lanky; another could not have been old; the third

shaven

man

and

dark,

more than seventeen

—

years

a short, un-

with a barrel belly and a camouflage bandanna la

Che Guevara, around

tance between us narrowed,

had a small Macedonian

I

flag

his head.

noticed that the

sewn on the

tall,

As the

dis-

lanky one

side of his jacket,

and the short guy had a similar patch pinned his

tall,

was the most frightening looking

backward, a

tied

One was

attack.

to the front of

bandanna.

Judging by the

trio's willful gait

and

Macedonian

mili-

seriously considered the possibility that these

were

uncharacteristic of the generally submissive

—

tary

NLA

I

—highly

aggressive air

rebels

who had ambushed and

soldiers, disguised

killed three

Macedonian

themselves in their victims' uniforms, and set

about taking the mountain by surprise. Unsure of the men's legiances,

I

decided to ride by them without a word. As

I

al-

ped-

238

LINDSAY MORAN

aled by, the youngest

guy

said

something to me, which

I

did

not understand, and the others broke into derisive laughter.

About ing

lot,

half an hour

where

I

later, I

paused

drink some water and

at the well to

chunk of charcoal from

the

arrived at the Panteleimon park-

my

pocket. Quickly,

long, firm slash across the concrete.

With

I

slip

made

the signal in place,

a I

turned around to head back home.

The I'd I

of armed soldiers was

trio

but forgotten by the time

all

descended to Sredno Vodno. Rounding a turn, though,

suddenly caught a fleeting glimpse of the short one

obviously galvanized by at the side

my approach

—

leaping into the brush

of the road.

Holy shit! These guys are going to screeched to a halt.

kill

me,

I

My body was shaking, and

my heart lay beating wildly of its own

that

thought I

as

my tires

was quite sure

accord somewhere

on the pavement. "Excuse me," bery.

I

—absurdly

called

—

politely

into the shrub-

When I heard nothing but rustling leaves and the click of

a trigger being cocked,

"Yebe

ti

I

abandoned any pretense of civility.

maika!"l shouted, knowing that "Fuck your mother"

was one of those remarkable Macedonian expressions notwithstanding

its

literal

sense of camaraderie.

Much teers

—

to

led

bushes.

my

by the

They

meaning, actually could impart a

"What

surprise

and

short, scary

the hell are

guy

—

filed sheepishly

appeared embarrassed to have girl

"Se izvinuvam, se izvinuvam, "they

peatedly.

you guys doing?"

the three motley muske-

relief,

launching an all-out assault on a

But

their evident

that,

on her all

out of the

come

close to

bicycle.

excused themselves

compunction only fortified

re-

my anger.

BLOWINGMYCOVER "Do

look

I

size

KahV I demanded, using the NLA, while gesturing at my bi-

I'm Ooo Che

like

Macedonian acronym cycle,

239

Minnie Mouse

for the

and braided

T-shirt,

pigtails, to

empha-

the ridiculousness of their aborted ambush.

The

short, scary

guy spoke. "Are you one of us?"

"No, I'm American," going out on a

bit

I

though

said,

I

realized that

The

my parents tall,

was

of a limb.

"But your parents are Macedonian, then?" he

"No,

I

are

lanky one

said.

American."

who had been hanging back now

saun-

tered up. "I

am

Tony," he said in English, thrusting out his hand.

Noticing that Tony wore a small earring, plicably better.

was

It

as if the little silver

I

suddenly

felt

inex-

hoop were some

sort

of indication that these guys were just confused kids.

"Nice to meet you, Tony,"

was probably the

tion

first

said,

I

and

last

aware that our introduc-

human

interaction

experience during the entire weekend. "I thought

were going to

the other

two

thought, for the short, scary guy

We

party, as "I

shook hands

opposed

to stalking

as if

as

Dragon

—and

—an

"Anyway.

I

we'd just met

at a cocktail

through the bushes with AK-47s. said.

"Do you

Joe Forzani?"

shook

"Oh."

apt name,

the youngest one as

used to work for an American," Tony

know Mr. I

all

would

me."

kill

Tony introduced

Mitko.

I

you guys

my head

no.

He looked somewhat What are you?"

"A diplomat,"

I

said uneasily.

surprised

and disappointed.

LINDSAYMORAN

240

"I

mean, you don't look American," Tony

should be

and have blond

taller

"You've been watching too

said.

"Like you

hair or something."

much Bay watch"

I

said, laugh-

ing.

At the mention of Baywatch, Dragon and Mitko came

life,

high-fived each other, and gave

—

"Bay watch

Dragon

super!"

me

to

the thumbs-up.

from

cried out, grinning

ear

to ear.

"So you are not Macedonian

at all?"

Tony looked

at

me

skeptically.

"My

family came from Ireland and

father's

came from

family

Russia,"

I

said,

portunity to enlighten the young culturalism. "I "See!" just

won

half Catholic

might use the op-

I

about American multi-

and half Jewish."

righteously at the other two, as

a bet. "This

typical

I

is

Embassy and

All of a sudden,

into the brush.

American

was wondering

the demonstrators

the U.S.

men

mother's

Tony shouted

Meanwhile,

among

am

thinking

my

I

set

if

—

if

he'd

Irish Jew."

the three of them had been

who had

recently

diplomatic cars on

thrown rocks

at

fire.

Dragon shouted out and they all dove back

was

left

standing with

my

bicycle, glancing

around and wondering what wayward shepherd or picnicker

would be fire,

I

targeted next.

waved once

Not wanting to

get caught in the cross

in their general direction

and

started to

coast downhill.

"Hey, lady, can you wait?" to

abandon

is all

"I

his post

It

took Tony only a few seconds

and jog up beside me. "When

this

over ..." he gestured expansively at the surrounding

would

like to get a visa to

come

to America."

thing hills,

BLOWING MY COVER

am

"I also

24

7

half Greek, half Romanian," he said, as if evi-

dence of mixed heritage would have particular sway. "But

I

am

from Macedonia." "You've got to go to the U.S. Embassy," ter the attacks,

"You know,

I

said.

"Although

af-

I'm not sure they're doling out visas these days." I

used to work with Albanians," Tony

worked with them

in Kosovo.

I

said.

had so many Muslim

"We

friends."

"And now?"

"Now must

kill

"What

I

am

a soldier.

them," Tony are

Now

we

they are killing us, and so

said.

you guys doing here on Vodno?"

Scott's recent request that

I

I

said, recalling

develop more contacts

emerging cadre of Macedonian extremists.

"I

mean,

among are

the

you

all

expecting something to happen?"

"We

are always expecting something,"

always prepared!"

Tony

said.

"We

are

He paused before looking at me expectantly.

"Anyway, what do you think? About the visa?"

"Meet

me

said, already

office

in this exact spot at the

thinking about

and write

contact.

how

I

same time tomorrow,"

would

race

down

to

to Headquarters about this promising

I

my new

TEN

My car has

broken

down

in Bulgaria

Macedonia for a meeting with tact, so

Tony,

and I've got

to get

back

to

my new developmental con-

I'm taking the bus. Emily, thirsting for adventure, has de-

cided to come with me. Sofia's central

human away.

bus station seems

accommodate the overflow of

misery from the train station about one hundred yards

A

Macedonian company

ironically it appears,

the looks

muddy

to

of the

lot,

bus,

"hope"—

called

—meaning,

Nedezhda

operates the Sofia-Skopje run.

which we find parked at the far end of a

one might assume

this to

be a retired vehicle: exterior

paint entirely chipped off, doors rusted halfshut,

tires

der the weight of its passenger-packed frame. Inside the

windows are

By

so dirty

you

can't see out,

and the

odor could knock you over like a twenty-foot wave.

sagging unis

no

better;

smell of body

BLOWING MY COVER As Emily and I settle lady lugging

an

close to the rear,

an enormous

overstuffed sack walks back to the

row opposite

a seat

into

nod of acknowledgment, proceeds

ours and, with a quick

off her

Within seconds, the lady

clothes.

243

is

to take

standing there in her

enormous black bra and enormous black panties. She begins

moving clothes from her sack and putting them on her

re-

body—one

item after another.

By

the time

she's finished,

four or five leather eralpairs

ofpants.

the lady

is

wearing about ten

a similar number of sweaters, and sev-

vests,

Now even more enormous than before,

can barely fit in the

aisle as she

Emily and I look at each

As

it

the groundwork laid by

glers. All

from the

seats.

other, realizing

turned out, Emily and

the bus, aside

trading

is

I

at once that what

a small-time smuggler.

were the only people on board

who were

driver,

the lady

waddles toward the front, her

enormous rear end shimmying between the

we've witnessed

blouses,

not small-time smug-

of the other passengers began pulling out their wares,

them among one

another, so that each person was

smuggling the same amount of goods but had distributed

them evenly enough among

his compatriots so that

have an overly suspicious quantity of any one item. der guards

would have

know what was going

to be deaf,

he didn't

The

bor-

dumb, and blind not

to

on, and

I

imagined most of them were

routinely bribed, so this ritual,

I

supposed, was more symbolic

than practical. Shortly before

we

arrived at Kyustendil, the western Bul-

garian border town, the bus

ground

to a hasty, gravel-spraying

LINDSAY MORAN

2AL

by the

halt

were flung open, and a

side of the road, the doors

whole slew of rowdy new passengers boarded. The newcomers were greeted warmly and familiarly with hearty hellos and

on the back.

slaps

Among the new group was leader of sorts. eyeSy she

With her

a lady

who seemed

frosted blond

bob

falling over furtive

made quick work out of stashing

various bottles of

hard liquor in and around Emily and me. Natasha

—turned out

briefly to introduce herself

—

she paused

to be the real pro.

she'd finished sequestering the booze, she

Once

began tucking away

of rip-off designer perfumes into the snug crevices between

vials

the seats

and

labors: a

somewhat

and a

seat backs. less

scruffy, stubbly

Their work

Natasha took a the

to be a ring-

Two

subordinates aided Natasha in her

man who

at last

woman

industrious

with

appeared to be totally drunk.

of us while the

cohol fumes. For a large part of the

an imaginary companion

amount of

he'd break into song, a ditty he

the only line of

collapsed in

us in a cloud of al-

the

man muttered an-

at his side.

between

friction

shoulder as he stumbled up and

self,

trip,

man

Every once in a

and made a point out of creating a

while, he pulled himself up certain

woman and

complete, the redheaded

seat in front

row behind Emily and me, enveloping

grily to

frizzy red hair

his crotch

down

the

aisle.

and Emily's Occasionally,

had evidently composed him-

which was "Natasha, Natasha

— "Natasha, Natasha from

dva"

five until

ignored him, too busy trying to cajole Emily and

hiding more moonshine in

tended to be asleep and

ot pet

do

two." Natasha totally

me

into

our overhead baggage. Emily preI

feigned incomprehension until

Natasha threw her hands up in

disgust.

BLOWINGMYCOVER The side

245

driver soon stopped again, at a duty-free stand

of the road

der police

—

—

well within earshot

by the

and eyesight of the bor-

in order to facilitate the purchase of more bootleg

and a whole new hoard of goodies that the small-time

liquor

smugglers efficiently squirreled away as soon as they were back

on board.

We sat for close to an hour on the Bulgarian side of the border, waiting for our passports to be checked. When the border gendarme

finally returned,

documents

he handed over the whole stack of

some random person

to

seated in the front row.

During the ensuing disorderly redistribution of the of disbelief among the smugglers

there

was a

and

were exposed

I

stir

person who'd

as

made

Americans.

A mob

passports,

when Emily

formed around the

the discovery, and every other passenger

then pawed and scrutinized our passports, admiring their superior quality

up

and appearance. Natasha even held our documents

to the light as if to determine if they

As

I

dejectedly

skimmed through

had been returned to

me and nodded

were counterfeit.

the

little

blue

book

me smudged and tattered, Emily nudged

toward a hitherto unnoticed gentleman gap-

ing maniacally through the space between two seats.

shaved head, wild eyes, and flaring nostrils

was busily excavating to

that

complete lunacy

—

I'd

the

man

ever seen.

With

his

—one of which he

bore the closest resemblance

When we all

order to have our luggage searched,

I

disembarked

half expected to see

in

him

in shackles.

After an outrageously cursory luggage inspection, our bus

inched forward, only to be caught in the no-man's-land be-

tween the Bulgarian and Macedonian borders for another two

LINDSAY MORAN

246

hours, during which time the lunatic continued to

and the raving drunk got drunker and

I

through the border.

was traveling on a

tion to myself, but

was glad of

did have

I

that, at least,

chance Emily and

I

not to draw atten-

tourist passport so as

my

diplomatic passport, con-

compartment within

cealed in a secret I

at us

me to make use of my diplomatic

wore so thin that she begged status to get us

gawk

louder. Emily's patience

since

would be

it

my purse

—

just in case.

seemed there was a good

arrested for whatever crap

we

were unwittingly transporting across the border.

"You could pretend that you're doing some security check," said Emily,

brimming with

sort

of frontier

ideas.

"Or you

could say you have an important meeting with the ambassador tonight!" I

wished that

I

could

tell

Emily that

wasn't even really a

I

rate,

we

didn't stand to roll

into Skopje until midnight, well after

my

scheduled meeting

diplomat.

It

with Tony. nally,

I

was

I

was

marched

late

and, at this

just as anxious as

driver

rubbed

"What

is

to get

where

to the front of the bus,

heavily snoring driver:

The

Emily

I

moving.

Fi-

woke up

the

the problem here?"

his knuckles into his eye sockets

and

yawned. "The police." "I

am

a diplomat."

covered from

its

I

flashed the black

secret

document

compartment. "Do you think

go talk to them and we could get across the border

The

driver shrugged

understand us," he adolescents.

that I'd re-

and sighed

said, as if we

heavily.

were

all

a

"They

I

could

faster?"

just don't

bunch of troubled

BLOWING MY COVER Meanwhile,

know what

I

several

was up

247

of the small-time smugglers, curious to

encroached upon

to,

me from

ing any sort of influence over the border police. into a

mumbling chorus about

in

Emily and

life.

behind.

was no hope of wield-

Eventually, everyone agreed that there

They broke

the injustice of our shared lot

seemed, had become honorary members

I, it

of their corps. Later,

when we were

at

long

the border, another border passports. This time,

last

on the Macedonian

gendarme

arrived to

immediately handed over

I

side of

demand our

my

diplo-

matic passport, which impressed the border gendarme so

much

that he allowed

maining on the bus,

Emily and

me the special privilege of re-

opposed

to standing out in the cold,

as

while the superficial customs inspection took place. bus,

Emily and

graze over the

I

watched a

many

trio

bottles, like

reboarded,

we

the

of customs inspectors' eyes poorly hidden Easter eggs

amid the luggage rack and between the

Once everyone

On

seats.

discovered

how much

of a

pro Natasha actually was as she started pulling one after another bottle out from around Emily and me, none of which

we'd even seen her stash. Daniel's in

my own

I

half expected to find a flask of Jack

butt crack

when I went

to

bed that night.

But, at that point, we'd just crossed the border still

hours away.

The

was accelerating so

driver,

suddenly anxious to get to Skopje,

fast that

asleep at the wheel; the

and bed was

I

worried perhaps he'd fallen

way we careened around each

hairpin

turn along this mountainous road was the only evidence to the contrary.

LINDSAY MORAN

248

The drunken man, meanwhile, had become was shouting

at Natasha's

unfortunately

I

agitated

and

redheaded friend in Serbian, which

could understand.

The

litany of insults

was

linked thematically by repetition of the phrase "up your

mother's pussy." Shortly thereafter, his attention turned from Natasha's friend (and her mother's pussy) to Emily and me.

Having stumbled up

a few rows, he consorted with the es-

caped lunatic, trying to convince him that the two of them stood a chance with tributes.

us,

and cataloging our many fetching

at-

Depressed that these two considered us not only in

their league, but also the

the bus, Emily

and

most

likely potential conquests

on

leaned into each other and pretended to

I

be asleep.

The drunken man

finally

to the seat in front of us,

morse head

him

—he flopped onto

as if she as if

—

in

an evident

pet.

At

horsefly,

first,

fit

of

re-

the redhead swatted at

but then she seemed to lose

and so snuggled into

the energy to object driver

where

way back

the redhead and began to stroke her

were a dying

shooing away a

The bus

gave up and lurched his

his shoulder.

had forgone the routine dinner stop

probably on account of my "urgent meeting with the Ameri-

can ambassador"

were starving.

—

so

by the time we pulled into Skopje, we

We reached the downtown McDonald's just on

the verge of closing for the night flurry

of activity. The cheerful

fryers

and plugging back

miliar purr soothed

come

to realize

and spurred an immediate

staff started heating

in the milk-shake

my

soul.

—was much

up the deep

machine, whose

In Skopje, McDonald's

—

faI'd

more of a friendly haven than even

BLOWINGMYCOVER the

249

my side and a hammy shoulders began to

American Embassy. With Emily by

burger poised in front of relax

and

I

felt just

a

my

mouth,

Now, what

bit less lost.

little

do

to

about Tony?

American intervention

came

finally

form of a hard-charging, no-nonsense

to

Macedonia

"special

in the

named

envoy"

James Pardew. During the long, dry summer, Ambassador

Pardew presided over

of heated debate between

several days

Macedonia's Slav and Albanian leaders

compound

at a

posh presidential

alongside Lake Ohrid, where he finally brokered

an albeit tenuous peace agreement between the Macedonian

government and the NLA. The summer of 2001 brought to Skopje an eerie and unexpected sense of calm.

The consensus among

the CIA's Balkan analysts was that if

violence erupted again in Macedonia,

count of the

would be not on

ac-

NLA or any other Albanian rebel group, but of the

Lions, a rogue police force tionalists,

it

composed of Macedonian

many of whom were former

chief mandate

—

as dictated

donian minster of internal

by

their

affairs

xenophobic

ultrana-

The

Lions'

leader,

Mace-

criminals.

Ljube Boskovski

—was

the

nebulous charge of protecting Macedonia for Macedonians.

Dubbed "Mini

Milosevic," Boskovski

condoned the

group's

thuggish antics, which included marauding about Skopje fueled

by bitterness and booze

—

Having personally sanctioned and convicts, Boskovski

also

saw

beating up ordinary citizens. this

assemblage of hooligans

to

that the Lions were bet-

it

LINDSAY MORAN

250

ter

paid and better armed than the other quasi-valid paramili-

tary forces: the Tigers, another police; the Wolves, the unit;

component of the Macedonian

Macedonian Army's

and the Scorpions, a group whose

elite special forces

responsibilities

no one

was quite sure about. All these childish animal kingdom names

seemed only tire security Still,

to highlight the

amateurism of the country's en-

apparatus.

Scott was anxious for

me to

recruit

someone from one

of these groups. "We've got a handle on the Albanians," he said.

As

"But the Slav nationalists are a

my

it,

—had

from Mount Vodno

Tony

—

the

a close friend

a Lion.

meet him,"

"I'd like to

night whiskey

"We know Embassy,"

would be

"We

I

told

Tony

when he mentioned

over a middle-of-the-

his radical friend

the Lions orchestrated the attack I

said.

"And

that they pretty

Dime.

on the American

much

hate us. But

it

on obtaining

a

helpful to understand why."

"No problem," visa.

unknown."

unfathomable good luck would have

visa-seeking combatant

who was

real

said Tony, forever focused

go make party on the weekend."

will

That Saturday

night,

I

met Tony and Dime

—

Dime's visibly pregnant wife, Snezna

—

as well as

in front of theTrgovski

Centar, the strip mall that formed Skopje's social nucleus.

Dime

Paunchy and

greasy,

back

few gold chains, and a large platinum ring

hair, a

adorned with,

I

sported a scraggly goatee, slicked-

noted, the Lion insignia. Snezna looked as

if

she might give birth any minute.

There was the usual hemming and hawing about which of

BLOWINGMYCOVER

25

the three totally identical Trgovski Centar bars until

Dime and Tony

Parigi,

Rome-Paris

wishful thinking

—

no end

in his

a pizzeria called Rimi-

part of Macedonian

I all

management.

ordered beers while Snezna

up a

lit

and demanded a double vodka. Dime seemed pleased

cigarette

of view

on

to,

yet another example of almost poignant

on the

Dime, Tony, and

to

finally agreed

we would go

1

that an

American was

interested in hearing his point

He proudly informed me that he headed the Lions'

—

neighborhood of Kisela Voda

and he was more than happy

literally,

unit

"Sour Water"

to share his life story,

which

in-

cluded a brief foray behind bars for "making the wrong guys angry." Boskovski nity to

had personally offered Dime the opportu-

redeem himself by becoming a

certified police officer

with a newly formed regiment called the Lions.

deep gratitude for

rally felt

"I already

had some

Tony mentioned ested in

what we

"Yes,"

I

said.

with someone "Well, are

as if

"A

a big

expertise,

me you lot

of obtaining a

said.

"Anyway,

diplomat and you are

inter-

about Americans."

of Macedonians are unwilling to meet

me."

tell

you."

Dime

leaned forward. "You guys

mess of everything in

this country."

smug

just articulated everything he'd

say himself but couldn't

— not without

satisfaction,

been dying to

jeopardizing his chances

visa.

"When you give sending money

like

you know," he

are a

reclined in his chair with a look of

Dime had

natu-

this break.

are thinking

like

lemme

making

Tony

to

Dime

help to these Albanians," directly to

Usama

Dime

bin Laden."

said, "is

LINDSAY MORAN

252

was impressed that Dime had any idea who bin Laden was,

I

most Americans

since at the time there'd already tive, his

much

been

didn't.

But in the Balkans,

speculation about the Saudi fugi-

alleged support of the

Kosovo Liberation Army, and

Albanian rebels who'd supposedly trained terrorist

Usama

camps. Long before

a household

name

at

Dime

bin Laden would

become like

as a significant threat.

ranted through our second round of drinks, after

I felt

as if

ought to engage Snezna. She'd been

I

sitting

away minuscule

there silently, using her front teeth to peel slivers

Al-Qa'ida-run

home, a few wary Macedonians,

Dime, obviously viewed him

which

at

of her thumbnail.

"So when are you due?"

said.

I

"Any day now." Snezna smiled and downed the her second double vodka. ting with a pregnant

It

woman

was disconcerting

last

gulp of

to be chat-

obviously on the verge of a total

bender.

"Will you go to the Centralna Bolnica?" to Skopje's

main

looked more

like

in particular,

something out of Oliver

"No,

I

will

.

.

.

recalled as

an awful asylum

is,

by our standards, how do you

steak of the ark."

"This place for Snezna in,

I

Twist.

go to new private hospital." Snezna spoke in

heavily accented English. "It say

asked, referring

an industrial plant than a place of healing.

The children's ward, like

I

hospital, a sprawling cluster of buildings that

is

very expensive,"

Dime chimed

obviously annoyed that attention had been diverted away

from him. "Well

I

am

sure

it's

well

worth

it." I

nodded

cheerfully.

BLOWING MY COVER "Dime

thinks

it's

253

a waste of money," Snezna said,

and threw

her husband a malicious glare.

Not wanting

to

become embroiled

excused myself to use the

Dime was

paying the

bill

our party to a place "more

room.

ladies'

and

in domestic discord,

a plan

When

I

I

returned,

was under way to

transfer

like a discotheque."

When I proffered that such an establishment might not be so appealing to "the baby"

—

really

patted her stomach and said,

We moved

onward

I

—

was thinking of Snezna

okay. He's sleeping now."

"It's

in typical

she

Skopje

of us piling

style: all

into Dime's car to drive a single city block.

The

next bar was not so

much

a discotheque as a smoky,

loud, cavernous basement, populated

ranging in age from about fifteen to owner, and so table, that

we were

by

fifty-five.

its

Dime knew the

seated instantly at the one unoccupied

had been cordoned off with a thick

served" card in

of patrons

clusters

center bore Dime's

A small "re-

rope.

name and

—

yet again

the Lion insignia.

As the night wore on, to hear

what Dime was

variations us: a

on

it

became

saying,

increasingly difficult for

though

I

assumed

his earlier themes. Friends

of

it

to be

Dime had

me

mere

joined

few more Lions, a Tiger, two Wolves, and one Scorpion.

Scott will be so proud!

"This guy

is

part of our Rapid Reaction Force,"

Dime

said

admiringly of the Scorpion, a big oafish fellow.

The with

cadre was

lots

composed

knew each other and Dime by me.

entirely

of enormous guys,

many

of tattoos and a gnarly selection of teeth. They well,

but seemed a

bit

all

perplexed

LINDSAY MORAN

254

In time, the owner of the establishment also joined us.

him

introduced

as

Dime

"Freddy ... an important businessman."

"How much money for American visa?" Freddy said, grimacing. "I pay big!" He rubbed his thumb and forefinger together in the

The

air.

blaring techno music prevented

of what was being

owned

said,

a restaurant, to

but

I

me from

hearing most

did comprehend that Freddy also

which

I

was invited the following week

for dinner.

"Great," to

I

said, already anticipating

how

mention Headquarters, would be when

pleased Scott, not

I

reported back on

my newfound social circle. Just as

gether

was

I

—not

to

starting to lose interest in the scene alto-

mention growing ever more concerned about

pregnant Snezna, who, despite the din,

somehow had man-

aged to doze off under a cloud of cigarette smoke police officers stormed through the front door.

turned off

at once,

body was shouting

and at

all

of the

lights

—

a dozen

The music was

switched on. Every-

each other in the sudden silence and

blinking their eyes to adjust to the light. "Identification

shouted. "And

Everyone

cards

if you're

out!"

carrying a weapon, put

— including my

lowed the police leather jacket to

one of the storm troopers

brutish

officer's directive.

company

produce a gun. Evidently,

hand grenades tabletop.

—

weaponry

on our

on the

—

table!"

dutifully fol-

Each guy reached into I

—including

his

was one of the few

people in the establishment not packing heat. facing an array of

it

I

found myself

a small cluster of

tabletop, as well as nearly every other

BLOWING MY COVER The storm and inspecting

At our

table,

made

troopers all

—but not

255

ID

the rounds, checking

—of

confiscating any

cards

the weapons.

they merely shook hands with everyone, includ-

ing me, and didn't take a look at any of our IDs, or bat an eye at the centerpiece

of artillery.

Their work evidently done, the cadre of storm troopers be-

gan to

filter

out the door. As the lights were turned back off

and the music back on, Dime leaned over to pered, "These guys are undercover Lions. I

found

it

infinitely

of disguise was to

me and

They work

for

whis-

me."

amusing that the undercover Lions' means

alter their dress

from biker gang

to that of

ordinary cops. "I'm outta here,"

Dime my card.

I

finally said,

"Here's

my number.

but not before slipping

Give

me a call.

I

think

we

should meet again."

I

he day

after

—

Snezna gave birth to a healthy

and shocked to discover to arrange

—baby

girl,

Dime

called

was pleased

me

in order

dinner at Freddy's restaurant for the following

day night. Emily had gone back to Bulgaria, but be staying with

me

ploratory meeting, "Super,"

I

Dime

that I

weekend and,

said

I

since

would bring her

it

Fri-

Emma would

was only an ex-

along.

my wife at home." yours?" Emma asked when

said. "I will leave

"Are these guys friends of told her about the plan to

meet Dime

I

for dinner at Freddy's

restaurant.

"Not

really,"

branch out."

I

said.

"It's

just

kind of good for

me

to

LINDSAY MORAN

256

"I

wish

I

Emma said,

had a clue what exactly you do,"

and

laughed.

We we

met Dime

all set

in front

of the Trgovski Centar, from which

out in his brand-spanking-new

BMW for Freddy's

restaurant. "Restaurant" turned out to be a bit of an exaggeration.

Dime pulled into a deserted lot on the outskirts of town

where, coincidentally,

we stomped

I'd

—and

once held an agent meeting

across the gravel toward a seedy-looking structure

with a large red and yellow Macedonian single

flag

hung over

the

window.

we found

Inside,

four tables arranged symmetrically around

a smoke-filled, brightly

workers' jumpsuits sat

lit

chamber. Huddles of

hunched over

shot glasses and beer bottles.

men

in red

a menagerie of empty

An enormous map

of "ancient

Macedonia," which of course had occupied a considerably grander area than the country does today, adorned the wall be-

hind the "bar," a water- warped linoleum countertop.

Freddy

—

his

—

arms flung open expansively

strode over to

Emma, took her He motioned to a

greet us and, with a salacious glance toward

arm and

led our party to the

pallid waiter to I

come

one

free table.

over and take our order.

followed Dime's example and ordered rakija, while

much

to the silent derision

of the others, asked for a

white wine. Freddy joined our

table, as

did another

Emma, of

glass

man who

introduced himself as "Herr Direk-tar of the Skopje Zoo."

was hard

to greet

with Venci.

The

It

him warmly after my one and only visit there creatures,

it

was plain to

see,

received

no

nourishment aside from peanuts and candy that passersby

BLOWING MY COVER would

slip

257

through gaps in a chain-link fence. They appeared

uniformly weak with hunger and visibly malnourished. In the reptile house,

we'd

shattered hole in

come upon

its

resided there obviously

had long since

key house had been in a similar

With no

trees

ble, the

chimps squatted amid

cells,

from which

huge

a glass terrarium with a

from which whatever snake once

side,

to

slithered out.

state

The mon-

of shameful neglect:

swing or leaves on which to nibtrash in the corners of their

with expressions of depressed resignation.

leave immediately after that, but Venci

had

I'd

wanted

insisted

we

to

visit

the "aviary." In the single gargantuan cage lay a dead, headless

buzzard, belly-down

on

the floor. Ironically,

ons were no better cared

housed

for:

I

reflected, the

li-

in a stinky little shack in

which half a dozen breeds of emaciated

felines

paced

restlessly.

My reverie about the Skopje Zoo —which in fact was more like

an animal concentration camp

—was broken when Freddy

suddenly shouted, "Motherfuckers!"

had evidently turned

table

matedly explaining to root of all

Emma,

evil,

The

to politics,

Emma how

conversation at the

and Freddy was

ani-

Albanian culture was the

with American culture running a close second.

as a native Bulgarian,

could comprehend his Macedo-

nian perfectly well, but she wisely pretended not to understand,

prompting him

to shout in English,

He made a loud farting noise mimed two cupped palms to

Emma new

was looking

at

with his

lips

"Muslim

is

shit!"

and then panto-

indicate an imaginary

me, obviously baffled by

my

dump.

choice of

acquaintances.

"You can

tell

Albanians by their smell," Freddy bellowed

LINDSAY MORAN

258

across the table,

prompting the zookeeper to nod

his

head

in

agreement. "Is

awful smell like burning

burning

An

fat

ever

long are

we

of a

pig,

more

agitated

he went on. "Like the

Emma whispered

thinking of hanging out here?"

brought her along "It is

fat,"

you know, when you cook

at

I

to

this pig."

how

me, "Urn,

felt

bad that

I

had

all.

not precisely the smell of burning

ventured in an almost

fat,"

clinical, scientific tone.

the zookeeper

He paused while

the waiter delivered dinner: an oval-shaped platter with a few slices

of cucumber, a smattering of cherry tomatoes, and some

chunks of white cheese.

"They have the smell of animals," the zookeeper continued. "I

should know."

"And the Albanian woman!" Freddy erupted ing his arms into the

Making

air.

again, throw-

"Their breath!"

a long sweeping

mouth, he exhaled gutturally

hand

gesture

to indicate

from

his

something

gaping

like a fire-

breathing dragon.

Again the zookeeper weighed cause of their diet. pitiable platter digestive.

The

This gave

Not

I

made an

door,

He nodded

like us."

at the

somewhat is

good

for

best in the world."

me

toilet,"

"These people stink be-

of crudites. "The Macedonian salad

an idea for a means of escape.

stomach and croaked

"No

in:

I

clutched

my

to Freddy, "Toilet?!"

he said merrily. "Bucket out back."

exaggerated performance of lurching toward the

and by the time

Bulgarian heritage.

I

returned,

Dime had discovered Emma's

BLOWINGMYCOVER "You grandfather probably raped

ond War," he morbidly joked with

"Emma

and

have to go,"

I

well." Unfortunately,

I

my

grandmother

in Sec-

Dime. "I'm not

feeling

her.

said to

I

259

could already foresee that Scott would

whom

be beside himself with excitement over Dime, surely

want

on the

me to pursue.

glanced at Freddy, his face planted

I

The buzz of Emma's and my imminent departure

table.

enlivened him, and he suddenly sprang to

and

"We go now listen Macedonian

roaring,

When

at last

Emma

shack,

he'd

we had

and

I

extricated ourselves

jumping up

life,

national music!"

from the smoky

ran toward the street and

let

loose with

howls of laughter.

"How do you

deal with that shit?!"

Emma said as we stood

panting by the side of the road. "I don't "I

know."

mean,

is it

your job to meet with people

Freddy? Because

can't

I

imagine

like

Dime and

why else you would hang out

with these jokers!" "I

know,"

"I

hope

said. "It's crazy."

I

worth

it's all

Emma

it."

had turned from

was looking out toward the misty, rain-slicked

you would know. and whoever

someone As

it

it is

like

I

am

just

you work

counting on that

for,

that

me and

street. "I

fact

—

mean,

that you,

you guys know more than

me."

turned out, neither

I

nor the people

knew any more than Emma. The myth of

I

worked

omnipotent Central Intelligence Agency turned out to be

—

that

a myth.

but also for

And it was shattered not just for all

all

the Americans

for

the all-knowing,

whom we failed,

its

just

employees,

in a single day.

LINDSAY MORAN

260

A few weeks later, Macedonian had some

I

went

gynecologist.

for a routine

appointment

reservations about her expertise

warned me

—

at the

though

liked Dr. Tuporkovski,

I

I

ever since she'd

could get chlamydia from swimming in Lake

I

Ohrid, and other sexually transmitted diseases from Westernstyle toilet seats. Dr.

Tuporkovski always performed a merci-

exam, and spent the

fully cursory gynecological

time regaling

me with stories

and varied sex

visited her less for

life. I

poses than because

about her

I

rest

of the

own remarkably active any health-related pur-

got a kick out of her racy narratives and

harebrained medical theories. In addition to her other warnings, she routinely

"The man

cautioned

me

against dating Balkan

are having stronger

sperm over here," she

peeking her head over the white sheet draped curtain between ica.

You must

"Thanks

"And

I

telling you, this

all

"Good! You

I

I

you

will

said,

like a theater like in

Amer-

end up with baby."

said.

guy

went on. "Our men

but they are

said,

"Not the weak sperm

to be careful or

for the advice,"

am

baby," she

my knees.

men.

will never take care for this

are having the strong sperm,

bums." are not

swimming in

the Lake Ohrid,

I

see," she

shedding her rubber gloves with a sigh of satisfaction. "And

hope you

are finished with that Bulgarian.'" Dr. Tuporkovski

always mispronounced the word, saying "that Vulgarian."

"Vend?"

I

supposed

a year together

I

was done with him. We'd spent half

doing nothing. During

all

of the turmoil,

BLOWINGMYCOVER me

Venci had stayed with

would come home

in

Skopje for weeks

long day

after a

261

at

work and

at a time.

him

find

my col-

ping his toenails on the sofa and watching Psycho from lection

We Venci I

I

clip-

of DVDs for the umpteenth time.

made noodles and

always felt

emasculated

supposed

it

had

if

I

butter for dinner, because

bought anything more extravagant.

started to

wear on both of us that

ways sneaking out and that when

I

came home

—

I

was

al-

harried and

exhausted after an agent meeting, neither one of us had anything to

say. I

supposed

I'd

found one too many hardened

of chewing gum, which Venci always saved for

lets

And

I

supposed

later use.

wearied of his depressive silences and

I'd

pel-

bit-

smirks and the endless assortment of makeshift ashtrays

ter

adorned every surface of my house.

that

Gradually, as the past winter

when I was coming to

stopped telling Venci ends.

The

went

to his father's tiny flat in

last

Venci's father

himself, in choices.

for

I

saw him was weeks Mladost

Sofia

spring, I'd

on the week-

before, the

day we

—meaning "Youth."

was a Picture of Dorian Gray version of Venci

whose

eyes

A brawny uncle,

bright-eyed tling

time

had thawed into

little sister

you could

see a lifetime

of wrong

minuscule grandmother, and Venci's

were there

as well,

each of them bus-

about the apartment trying to find food or beverage

me, an obviously unexpected guest.

I

wondered

if

Venci

had ever even told them about me. Later, a cousin arrived: a total fixer-upper alike

the

who,

as far as

Danube.

He

I

could

tell,

had

just

Brad

come from

Pitt look-

fishing

on

stood in the doorway in huge rubber cover-

LINDSAY MORAN

262

alls,

a rod

and

reel in

one hand and a big metal bucket

other, his piercing blue eyes regarding

him wink

at

The whole

was beside themselves

family, in fact,

saw

to be host-

We

all

shot after shot of vodka from cracked teacups and ate

unidentifiable

lamb innards with up

top. Later, the cousin fried

us picked

it

thin, salty gravy

rest

of

apart from a platter that was precariously balanced

started planning

map

point,

on the couch.

me for a

my next visit.

must have passed out

I

of Bulgaria

where he would take Venci and

upon

fishing expedition

At some

poured on

and while the

his catch,

atop an overturned bucket, he produced a

and

I

Venci and give him the thumbs-up.

ing an American, and rarely took their eyes from me.

downed

in the

me. At one point,

When Venci

gang shouted "Nazdravey!"

gently shook

in a

me

drunken stupor

awake, the whole

—"To your health!" —

in

my

face,

raising their vodka-filled teacups to the ceiling. It

was then that

I felt

the walls closing in around me.

Venci's hopeless situation

—

poor, without prospects, and

saddled with this totally dysfunctional, but ing, family all

just

—had

seemed

fully into

one time seemed

at

As

sad.

Venci's family

my groggy eyes,

I

realized

somehow charm-

a little romantic.

members

Now it

stared hope-

what they must be think-

ing: She's his ticket out/

Later,

Venci and

I

shuffled wordlessly back to Emily's apart-

ment, where he would leave not take in enough

Hell and the Devil

I

felt like I

could

air.

"You know, there suddenly, seeming

me for the night.

is

a joke about Bulgarians," Venci said

to read is

my mind.

"A Bulgarian guy goes

to

showing him around. For every country,

BLOWING MY COVER there

is

like a pit

of burning flames

from climbing

the people

pit for Bulgaria, there

guy

'Why

says.

is

at top, a

no guard

reach I

one guy

up and

of burning

at Bulgaria's pit

need one here.

climb out, another Bulgarian will

starts to

pull

gets to the

there. 'Hey,' the Bulgarian

flames?' 'Well,' the Devil answers, 'we don't

When

guard to keep

But when the Devil

no guard

is

there

out.

—and

263

him down.'"

chuckled in spite of the shudder in

my heart. The

telling

of this joke was probably the most words Venci had ever said to

me

at

one time.

When

he leaned in to

Emily's apartment building door,

which

—

kiss it

Venci himself had never walked through,

knew.

I

wasn't about to

Yeah, kovski.

I

am

let

me

in front

occurred to think

I

of

me

we both

myself be pulled down.

finished with the Bulgarian,"

told Dr. Tupor-

I

At the end of my examination, she gave me

a clean

bill

of health.

Appointment September

11,

over,

2001

I

walked out into Skopje. The day

—was unusually

lovely.

decided to leave

I

my car in front of the doctor's building and stroll across the city toward the joying the tiny,

office,

sucking in the scent of honeysuckles and en-

balmy breeze.

I

wanted

windowless chamber where

I

to

postpone

would sit, writing up

correspondences to Headquarters, for the Scott was waiting for

my return to the

me when

I

rest

tedious

of the day.

arrived.

It

was

close to

three in the afternoon.

"A plane flew into the World Trade Center," he "Really?"

I

said,

turning on

my

computer

as

said. I

pictured a

LINDSAY MORAN

264

small, four-person

had flown

should be talking about

—

veering off course.

moment and

that

realize the

How ridiculous even that Scott and this in such terms. We worked for

the CIA, for chrissake. Shouldn't

I

my father and brother

Was anybody killed?"

would look back on

I

absurdity of my question. I

the kind that

when I was young

recreationally

"That's too bad. Later,

—

Cessna

we have known?

Emma—who had returned to New York City the before—from my office phone minutes after watched

reached

week

I

the second plane slam into the second tower

moment

of impact seemed unrealistically

on

CNN. The some-

horrific, like

thing out of a video arcade game. Emma's line was busy and busy.

I

must have punched

in the

numbers twenty times be-

fore she finally answered the phone.

"Hullo?" she

moaned

weakly.

"Are you okay?"

As soon

as

Emma heard my voice,

she burst into concerted

sobbing. "I can't believe

you got through

anyone. Linz, what

know,"

I

the hell

is

"I don't

"What She was

am

me," she

"My phone

breaths between her words. call

to

I

"No,"

I

going on,"

Emma wailed into

I

can't

"We

didn't

the phone.

"Did you guys knowT

come. said.

worked.

supposed to do?"

clearly close to hysterics.

to

hasn't

gasping for

said.

Emma's question would haunt me months

said,

know."

for hours, days, weeks,

BLOWING MY COVER

265

Emily took the Nedezhda (Hope!) bus from

Sofia to Skopje

later that day. "I'd feel better if

my

"And you'll

By

I

were with you," she said over the phone.

parents said, 'Go stay with Lindsay'

know what

this

is all

evening, Emily and

CNN.

watching

vision,

about."

I

It

were stationed

in front

I

fly to

her parents'

woke up

what a

home

dream I had

terrible

to

tele-

when Emily

in Kansas.

every morning for a

Emily was lying next

of my

was a position we would take up

night after night for a month, until mid-October,

would

They think

week

last night,

me. As

thinking,

Oh

God,

and wondering why

my mind

floated back to the

image of a plane crashing, or a tower collapsing, or the Penta-

gon it

in flames,

it

took a few minutes to remember that none of

was a dream. In the evenings, Emily and

turns

I

obsessively took

my computer, checking our e-mail for We kept the television on day and night.

on

home.

Two

nights after the attacks, a group of

nationalists hired a

word from

Macedonian

four-man band and rejoiced

in front

ultra-

of the

American Embassy.

The

my

next day,

I

couldn't even look anyone in the eye.

eyes straight ahead

frown, until

I

and

came home

my mouth to Emily,

I

kept

fixed in a taut, angry

who,

like a wife,

had

straightened the house and prepared something for us to eat.

We

sustained ourselves

the mornings,

on

we poured

bottle after bottle of red wine. In

Baileys Irish

Cream

into our coffee

because neither one of us had the energy or inclination to go

LINDSAY MORAN

266

buy milk.

Among

the Macedonians, there lingered the in-

evitable impulse to gloat.

One

from her

ceries

some

my vile

night,

sort

neighbor jauntily hauled a sack of grolooked to

car. It

of celebratory

me

as if

she were planning

feast.

am sorry for your country," Vassil called to say. little. Now you know how we feel." "I

a

Ahmet

"But only

but he was brimming with what seemed

also called,

like sincere remorse.

"Where can we

Ahmet

give our blood?"

only for himself but his fellow Albanians.

our blood to

I

States' relationships with

couldn't focus at

some or

all

on

my work.

Scott, trying to maintain

me

care,

I

thought,

upside down? nia,

while the

way

in

One

Now real

some other gloriously

I

work of

the

and

I'd

bumped

didn't care.

Who

has been turned

useless in

Macedo-

be getting under

part of the world.

sunny but I

crisp

fall

looked up

mind wandered toward home.

I

I

CIA would

I

day,

I

stood outside the

at the half-mast flag,

thought about

knew in New York and Washington most of all,

whom

when our whole world truly felt exiled

American Embassy. As

but,

met with Ahmet

if I'd

or that suspect Russian intel guy

into at a cocktail party a few weeks back.

would

would sour the

1 1

Muslims worldwide.

sense of normalcy, kept asking

Dime

to send

In addition to

Ahmet probably felt panicky about the very

prospect that the events of September

United

"We want

New York. America is our brother."

genuine sympathy, real

asked, speaking not

—

friends

thought about James.

all

my

the people

and colleagues

I

BLOWINGMYCOVER I

already

knew he was

my

spond to

267

one of the

okay. He'd been

first

to re-

widely distributed e-mail, whose subject line

me know you re safe.

read: Please let

"I'm fine," James had written. "As a photographer,

I

guess

I'm supposed to run out to the Pentagon and take a bunch of pictures. I

But somehow

wanted

to write

but what could

I

him

woman on

seemed

a

self capable

course, but,

CIA.

knew how he felt,

anger.

to

—anger

of

of

—Emily and

anger such as

that,

anger

at

I

of wine between the two

guilt,

at the terrorists

more than

for-

to a ship as

a hangover

bottles

feelings

I felt

waving

to be

wharf waving good-bye

The nausea of

—combined with all,

I

I guess I was supposed

happening. But somehow I couldnt

must have gone through three

and above

that

it."

it.

pulls out to sea.

of us

myself to do

agent,

stood staring at the flag that

lornly, like a it

tell

As a CIA

this from

prevent things like bring myself to do

can't bring

James and

say:

I

I

impotence, sorrow,

I'd

never

known my-

(whoever they were), of myself and

at the entire

My feelings of frustration suddenly coalesced into an un-

precedented display of sobbing and an unstoppable flow of tears.

I

"Are

wrapped

my arms

around

my shaking body.

you okay, ma'am?" asked an embassy guard, suddenly

standing beside

me and proffering a tissue. "Ma'am, why don't

you take yourself on home now." "Okay, yeah," face

with

As Bible

my

I

managed, refusing the

tissue as

I

wiped

my

my fists. misfortune would have

Lady was

in the vicinity.

An

it,

that day, the Screaming

altogether

mad Macedonian

LINDSAY MORAN

268

woman who

occasionally

would shake

a Bible in her white-knuckled

showed up

at the

U.S. Embassy, she fist

and shriek out

condemnations of America. She'd apparently shown up about the

same time

me.

as

"And another

thing!" the Bible

Lady now shouted

to the

embassy guards and small crowd that had gathered. "Look She shook her Bible

this prostitute!"

at

me.

at

"PROSTITUTE!

AMERICAN PROSTITUTE! AMERICAN PROSTITUTE! PROSTITUTE! PROSTITUTE! PROSTITUTE!" She chanted

where I

—once

volume

at full

inside,

began to drive away, and

laughed

—

I

laughed until

the intersection where

With her

tuned

finely

my

other side of the road.

I

beaming, ever-optimistic

head

to

one

side.

said.

I

car,

me

laughed and

when

I

fist

on

reached

radar,

car,

she

which always seemed

to

bounded over from the

my window

to reveal her

face.

she said, asking

I

my

—and pounded my

cried again,

I

opened

si?"

"I'm okay,"

had reached

my favorite little Gypsy girl often stood

detect the approach of

"Kak

I

also to laugh.

loud, hyena-style shrieks

the dashboard.

begging.

until

with the tinted windows shielding

how

I

was and

tilting

her pretty

"You know something bad happened

in

my country." "I

know," she

my cheek. I

said.

She reached in and brushed a

"Hey. Don't

thanked the Gypsy

my purse,

stick

from

little

street urchin.

cry. It girl,

tear

from

will be okay."

gave her some change and a

and then drove

off,

marveling

lip-

at this sly

BLOWINGMYCOVER "It will

meaning.

be okay,"

Now I

/ will make

it

really

up

and ambivalence, it

up

to

everyone

I

I

told myself.

"Now my

job will have

have something to do."

to the Agency

thought.

else.

269

by relinquishing

A nd the Agency,

my

misgivings

in turn, will

make

ELEVEN

A slack-jawed teenager I assume to be the lifeguard stares at me in anticipation as I lower myself into the brackish water. My goggles prove

useless since the

smacking

my face

I complete two

me

pool water

is

nearly opaque.

I end up

into the concrete wall as

I come in for the turn.

down and back,

the lifeguard watching

laps,

twice

the whole time in evident disbelief.

If I'm

going to get chlamydia anywhere,

/ think as I pause at the ledge that seems to be pursuing

Great.

/

I'll

am

arrive

fat

one end ofthe pool to the

to

C, for

swim

the first

again.

other.

and angry and with an STD.

trying to get in shape, a

Washington, D.

I start

home

sure to be here,

swat away a floating hairball

to

me from

it's

few weeks

before

I return

to

time in almost two years.

With each

breath, I glance out the enor-

mous floor-to-ceiling windows that run

the length

ofthe building

BLOWINGMYCOVER and

December,

It's

in the distance, patches

271

of snow coat Mount

Vodno.

When I get home, I will see James. ming.

I'll tell

him about

and the jumping

this

—I

a handbasket

mertime. Even

where—

to

talk to

him about swim-

before

crystal-clear blue

Macedonia went

occasionally took the girls in the

when I travel in

find some place

I'll

the Soviet-style pool in Sofia,

Lake Ohrid, and the

trout in

waters of northern Greece hell in

and

alias,

to

sum-

I almost always manage

to

swim: in the baths ofBudapest, along the shores

of Cyprus, at some sports hall in Belgrade, next to a bombed-out building. (Truly,

I have no excuse for being the

am

talk to

I will

today.)

ming

is

lard-ass that

I

James about swimming because swim-

one of the only parts of my

life

I can share

here that

with James.

I think about how many miles

I've

swum

over the course of

the past several months: lap after lap

and

planning surveillance-detection

rehashing agent meetings,

routes,

stroke after stroke

of

worrying whether anyone has followed me, deciding upon the next

lie

my family or the girls.

I will tell Vend or

One cupped handful

at a time, I try to feel nothing but the

water through which I move. I try troubled thoughts. I try to

but wherever I happen

When brother's

who'd

let it

carry

me

water wash away

wedding back

my

leave request to

in the States,

I

felt like

been granted furlough. Surprised and

started to plan

my

my

somewhere, anywhere,

to be.

Scott approved

just

to let the

trip:

Christmas shopping

attend

my

a prisoner grateful,

at the

I

Albanian

LINDSAYMORAN

272

bazaar; a pedicure at Skopje's swankest salon; notices to

agents and contacts that

But

as

I

none of them

halfway up

my

fit.

I

my

favorite outfits,

last, I

it

struggled with buttons that

like tiddlywinks,

crotch,

got

I

I

crumpled

discarded items, where

I

my

all

whole month.

for a

seemed

that

popped off

yanked zippers that got stuck

my

head caught in too-small

and then lurched about the bedroom

sweaters

At

would be gone

began to pack

onto the floor

bear.

I

in front

like a big blind

of the closet atop a heap of

began to come to grips with the de-

pressing reality that being a spy

—months of

sitting in cars

running interminable agent meetings, then sitting at desks writing countless cables back to Headquarters

—had

left

me

and angry.

fat

Feeling a desperate urge to get in shape, and fast, to brave Skopje's public

I

decided

swimming pool, which, from

the out-

side,

bore the look of an abandoned insane asylum.

paid

my

hundred-dinar entrance

fee,

in a white laboratory coat grabbed

a pool

my

I

which

at that

was occupied by a dozen teenage boys. The boys

hurled a medley of what slurs in

I'd

hand and yanked me

into to the disconcertingly coed dressing room,

moment

Once

matron wrapped

my general

furtively

I

could only assume to be derogatory

direction.

changed into

my

bathing suit behind a

wooden

plank door, and then the lab-coated pool matron reappeared

and dragged

me

through a small reservoir of some ankle-deep

sludge.

"Must led

to disinfect feets," she said of the filthy footbath. She

me down

a dark corridor to an Olympic-sized pool,

which

BLOWINGMYCOVER was more

donned

I

my cap

judgment

ter

an enormous

like

swimmer was got up

other

of me,

aquarium. The only

complete scuba

gear.

and goggles and prepared,

against

all

bet-

submerge myself. James would be proud

really, to

And

thought.

I

algae-filled

in

273

seconds

James

later:

is

probably married

by now.

Although he hadn't sounded married when

I

spoke to him

on the phone. believe

"I'll

him on

a

it

when

said, "I guess

been promising

James had said when

me

to answer.

home

finally

for the past

What did he mean

track

he did,

month!" I

thought.

two

years."

by hell believe

recall

it

when he

like

sees it?

a flake? When had

a beer ever being

way of asking me out for a

beer?

Has

Had he

discussed.

really

kept

of the time since I'd left?

All

me

called

go out for that beer you've

my inability to come home made me seem

this his

I

three-minute phone conversation for

I promised him a beer? I don't

Was

for a

When

and even hopeful,

cheerful,

we can

dissected our

hours.

it,"

shouted, "I'm coming

He had sounded

I'd

see

whim, not expecting him

I'd practically

He'd

I

I

knew was

that the thought of seeing

James again

filled

with a queasy sensation, somewhere between anticipation

and dread.

I

n the aftermath of September 11,1 should have

vated to be a better case

of the

CIA had

caused

officer.

me

But the

felt

moti-

actions, or lack thereof,

to lose faith altogether.

The

attacks

LINDSAYMORAN

274

in

New York and Washington had sent everyone at Headquar-

ters into a tailspin: to

we

telligence failure,

view 9-11 all

as

anything but a massive in-

knew, was sheer denial. Everybody

at

Agency was wondering where we had gone wrong, and

the

what the

hell

we were supposed

to

do now.

could no longer perceive the value of the "intel"

I

we

re-

ceived from the likes of Jasna the dour Bosniak, or Ahmet and his

network of pesky Albanians, or Dime and Tony and

circle

bles

of chauvinistic clowns.

I

back to Headquarters, that these cases ought to be termi-

nated; that in light of the events of September

cut loose our

less

productive agents

—

1 1

,

to include

we should

my own

and focus on developing a network of terrorist-related But

their

argued to Scott, and also in ca-

it

seemed that

my arguments

of other similarly concerned case of deaf ears back "It's

a

—

as well as,

officers

I

fell

was

on

sure, those

a conspiracy

at Langley.

good experience

for you," Scott said

about traveling again to meet Jasna, nothing of import to

"But

—

targets.

who

I

when

I

balked

knew would have

say.

she's useless," I said.

"And we pay her a ton of money

for what?!"

"Headquarters wants you to keep running the case." Scott frequently blamed

And

so

I

management back home.

would continue

number of other second- and one

at the

CIA thought

it

run Jasna,

I

realized,

and a

third-rate assets, because some-

was good

conjectured what anybody rorist attack

to

who had

would think of these

for

my career.

lost a loved

Privately,

one

pointless exercises.

now, in addition to shortchanging myself,

I

was

I

in a ter-

I felt

that

failing every-

BLOWING MY COVER one

The CIA, on

else.

One

day,

I

was walking through Skopje when

guns and

rifles.

They were

who

I

got caught

playing "Macedonians and

Cowboys and

In-

The boys ambushed one another from behind parked

with a kind of maniacal

cars

one of

dozen young boys armed with

Albanians" like American boys used to play dians.

as

officers.

in the imaginary cross fire of a plastic

me

the other hand, viewed

most promising junior

their

275

caught in a game.

is

zeal,

and

I

thought, / am someone

A little boys game that men continue to

play as adults.

September

1 1

had upset the CIA,

someone was not playing by the

I

rules

realized,

because

it

meant

of the game. If ever there

were a chilling indication that the Cold War was

over,

and that

the traditional spy-versus-spy tactics were not going to

anymore,

it

But the to give

work

should have been then.

CIA was, and still

up playing

For a while,

their

is,

made up of men who

are loath

game.

when my

sense of dedication

ing around an idealistic peak,

I'd started to

had been hover-

pursue a develop-

who I thought might have ties to regional extremists. The prospect both excited and motivated

mental contact Islamic

me.

I

met Fatos

for the first time at a nightclub

on the Alba-

nian side of the River Vardar. "I

me

used to run with some of these guys," Fatos shouted to

over the Balkan version of Britney Spears. Fatos was refer-

whom

inquired,

who

supposedly had infiltrated Kosovo during the Bosnian

War

ring to a

and who

group of mujahedin, about

now occupied

I'd

themselves by spreading anti-American

sentiment throughout the region.

LINDSAYMORAN

276

My ears perked up when Fatos said, "I myself am not agreemuch

ing so

"Go

for

with the whole jihad thing." Scott said later

it,"

when

I

reported back to

I

about Fatos. "Just make sure you okay

my

wrote up a lengthy cable, describing

and why

Fatos

I

him

with Headquarters."

it

introduction to

thought he might represent a worthwhile

prospect, though I'd

no doubt the cable would disappear into

we

the netherworld of routinely ignored correspondences that sent daily back to Headquarters.

extremist

such

as

C/O

I

described Fatos as "having

but decidedly open to talking to an American

ties,

Hadley."

Meanwhile,

I

arranged to meet Fatos in Pristina, the capital

of Kosovo. Kosovo, which remained an international protectorate,

and

was divided into

Italian sectors,

particular country.

from patronizing

British,

each one patrolled by soldiers from that

The

local

role

—was

to

residing in

ment

latter case

Kosovo who were

was

had be-

buy

Now it was

the Serbs

bread.

renowned Balkan

FYROM

fall

afraid to leave their apart-

Given the few advantages that Skopje had

frequently to

aside

prevalent in the late 1990s, since the

buildings even to

Pristina, a

—

keep the Serbs from

The

of Milosevic and the tables had turned. still

troops

whorehouses and thereby subsidizing

Albanians and vice versa.

come more and more

NATO

of these

the regional white slavery trade killing the

American, French, German,

hellhole,

for a taste

many

to offer over

troops traveled

of culture and diversion.

It

unusual for a foreigner living in Skopje to venture in the

opposite direction, though. tioned as to

why I was

Were

I

to be stopped

traveling to Kosovo,

I

and ques-

would maintain

BLOWINGMYCOVER that

wanted

I

to pick

up some souvenirs from the

home

significant region before returning

Granted donia

it

was a lame excuse, but

—

my

itself,

cover

might be wearing I

set

after

historically

for the holidays.

also feared that in

I

Mace-

almost two years of spying

thin.

out from Skopje in the

The road

heavy

fog.

pects:

Macedonian

weapons, and

277

Kosovo was lined with the usual

to

soldiers

emerge from the mist

who seemed

like headless

sus-

by their own men who would

baffled

of aimless Albanian

clusters

under cover of a

late afternoon,

horsemen

to scowl suspi-

ciously at the passing cars. Pristina,

would

live

up

to

its

No

rolling within the city limits,

reputation as an exceptionally unaesthetic

locale: satellite dishes streets,

upon

perceived

I

on every

decrepit balcony, trash-lined

posses of stray dogs roving the byways.

sooner had

I

arrived in the city than

I felt

sort

of des-

perate to get out. Congested with smog, dirt-caked vehicles,

an indisputably seedy-looking local population

most

entirely

some concerted plodding on

chaotic streets, Fatos.

An

I

found

I

al-

I'd

trash.

Like so

flight

where

its

met prospective

was situated down a long

my car.

foot through the mucky,

overturned couch marked

tablishments where

parked

Pizzeria Fjala,

dumpster brimming with

itself

seemed

men), the main road through downtown ended

abruptly at a gully of mud, in which After

(it

and

I

was

to

meet

entrance, next to a

many other Balkan

es-

agents, the restaurant

of

stairs in a

dimly

lit,

windowless basement.

—an —waited

Fatos lazy eye

olive-skinned, prematurely balding for

me at a table for two

man with one

near the front of the

LINDSAYMORAN

278

dining room. In an adjacent ballroom, a lively wedding reception was just getting under way. Pizzeria Fjala, as

it

turned out, offered everything and any-

thing to eat except pizza. the both of us. the

man

for the

told Fatos to go ahead

I'd learned, in these situations, it

to be served, several

helped to give

more

guests arrived

newly carpeted entrance must have possessed an

rumple

in

its

of the decked-out Muslim

material, causing

women

to topple

more than

a few

headlong

down

Fatos seemed completely unfazed every time one of

stairs.

these

for

wedding, which proved to be an ongoing distraction.

Fjala's

indiscernible

the

and order

of having the upper hand.

this small sense

While we waited

The

I

women tumbled

dropped from a

"Do you

to the floor in front of us like fruit

tree.

think you could reconnect with some of these

guys you used to hang out with?"

I

asked Fatos, of the local

mujahedin. "I

am

not interested in their agenda." Fatos leaned back in

his chair.

"But we

are,"

figured Scott

I

extremists

said, feeling

would be

"Who's we?" "Me,"

I

is

I

either horrified or proud.

Fatos's eyes

said. "I

compelled to cut to the chase.

mean

narrowed.

America.

Our government.

Tracking

a top priority for us."

"Ha!" Fatos laughed in an exaggerated manner. "You guys don't understand."

"What do you mean?" "These people are not

like,

you know,

just

hanging out. You

BLOWING MY COVER want

279

one of them? You have to be ready to

to be

sacrifice, to

make some jihad." "I get that,"

I

know

to get to

these guys, to keep an eye

us

know

by

my own forthrightness.

ple

something major

if

why we need someone

said. "That's

we might have been

able to save

about, for instance, September "It's

hair.

on them and

going on." Even

is

"Imagine

like

I

you,

to let

was amazed

how many innocent peo-

had we known

in advance

11."

not so simple." Fatos ran his fingers through his sparse

"There are too

many people who are hating the American

these days."

know,"

"I

said.

I

"And

that's

something we're trying to

understand."

think about these things." Fatos held up his shot

"I will

glass over the

salads

bewildering platter of grilled meats, potatoes, and

we were about to

that, the

"Look,

—

as far as

—was

on the menu

lustrations

I

to

and

Minutes

eat!"

And with

rakija

and dug into the

could

tell

"Al-

from the photo

il-

identical to the "Serbian salad."

we wended our

my car.

blown off after

that if you

I

will call you," Fatos said later as

"Don't wait too long," get

"But for now, we

two of us downed our

banian salad," which

way back

share.

I

I

said, feeling like a

she'd failed to impress her

stay in touch,

later, I'd

it

will

woman

first

about to

date. "I think

be well worth your while."

cleared the last mud-encrusted

median

of Pristina and was engulfed in an utterly impenetrable

strip

fog.

I

couldn't see even a single foot in front of me.

that

I

might run off the road and into a

ditch,

Alarmed

where no doubt

LINDSAY MORAN

280

I'd

be

my family and friends.

reported back to

"What was

she doing driving by herself at night?"

my mother saying.

hear

how my demise would be

vaguely wondered

left to die, I

"And where

in God's

name

is

I

could

KosovoT

For a short while, the driver of the vehicle in front of mine benevolently kept his hazards blinking so as to partially

minate

him

my

way, or perhaps to prevent

me from

illu-

rear-ending

into the oblivion that lay ahead.

But that car eventually turned off the road, or maybe disappeared off a

cliff,

and

I

just

found myself the unwilling leader

of a caravan of cars heading into a wall of nothingness.

I

leaned forward, staving off impending panic, and squinted at the glass.

My warm

breath cleared a small peephole in the

fogged-over windshield. At times,

even I

still

on the

He motioned me

my

and handed him guard would invite

relief

border guard appeared suddenly,

thought.

me

my

wasn't sure if

car

was

road.

was overcome by a wave of

fog, a

I

tell

to stop.

passport.

me that it was

I

like the

rolled

half

I

when, from out of the

Grim

down

hoped

Reaper,

the

I

window

that the border

too dangerous to drive on, and

to stay at the frontier, in

some

insulated office next

to a space heater, until the fog lifted.

But the border guard took a cursory glance

and waved me on. The crossing back into

relief I'd

at

my passport

been expecting to

Macedonia was

obliterated

by the

feel

upon

swift

and

obvious realization that fog does not respect international boundaries.

By now, yond

It

was even worse on the other

fairly

convinced that

the next few miles,

I

side.

was unlikely to survive be-

my foremost regret was that I'd spent

BLOWINGMYCOVER

281

my last few hours alive eating dubious meat and sleazily trying of Fatos.

to enlist the likes

my life. By the time I

complished nothing in Skopje

—heralded

an acute sense of having ac-

I felt

by the golden arches of McDonald's

could not help but interpret the fog I'd

finally arrived in

as

—

some kind of sign.

been hell-bent on recruiting Fatos in a single meeting.

I

had neither the time nor the inclination

to see

charade of "becoming friends."

to forgo the assess-

ment and development to get to the point.

I

I

wanted

of the relationship.

stages

realized that

through the

I

just

wanted

was feeling what a

I

—

CIA

case officers those days were probably feeling

and desperate.

I

had seemed

me

Why,

to

then,

know much about

didn't

like a

had our

Fatos at

all,

of

lot

useless

but he

beacon.

first real

meeting coincided with

this

impenetrable fog?

As

I

drove through the engulfed valley of Skopje, trying to

get myself back

up the

hill to

where

lowing in a vat of pea soup. / need thought, up

and above

indication that

As

it

it

this

will ever

fog

that,

lived,

I

to get to

for the

a fly wal-

felt like

I

higher ground,

moment,

offers

I

no

lift.

turned out, Headquarters would forbid

me

to pursue

Fatos anyway.

"Our information had fore

suggests that Subject

terrorist ties," the cable

recommend

that

C/O

may at one time have

from Headquarters

Hadley cease and

read.

"We there-

desist

from any

further contact with Subject."

"This

is

ridiculous,"

I

said to Scott

on the day the cable

ar-

LINDSAY MORAN

282

of

rived. "First

he already told

all,

me

that!

ever going to find anything out if we avoid

And how

all

we

are

the people with

terrorist ties?!" "It doesn't

make much

sense to

me

"But

either," Scott said.

without Headquarters' support, you might

as well give this

one up. You've done well enough out here anyway. From here

on

out, everything Later,

didn't

I

is

just gravy for you."

thought about

want

how

alleys

my life,

maze.

the

like a rat in a

whack- job ily

of unfamiliar

wasn't the only one eager to prove

war on

want

didn't

gravy.

And

I

also

to keep stumbling through the corridors of the

Agency, and the back

I

I

terrorism. In

I

cities, for

was doing

the rest of

my part in

March 2002, Ljube Boskovski,

—who

interior minister

the

incidentally lived in a heav-

guarded salmon-colored mansion not

and more than once had implored

me

far

from

my

house,

to "stop in for tea"

proudly informed Scott that Macedonian police had raided a terrorist cell

and eliminated seven "Al-Qa'ida-linked" opera-

According to Boskovski,

tives.

this terrorist

plotting to attack international embassies

group had been

and diplomats

in

Macedonia. Scott,

who knew

Boskovski to be an erratic nutcase, found

the story completely implausible, as did the American ambassador.

Two years later,

of his underlings in Indian and

men

and

it

would emerge

that Boskovski

fact

had smuggled

in (from Bulgaria)

six Pakistani

immigrants

of passage "to the West"

—

—with promises

briefly

five

one

to the

housed them, and then

BLOWING MY COVER coldly

gunned the men down,

283

a staged killing intended to

prove that Macedonia was participating in the U.S. -led campaign against terrorism.

When first

Boskovski was formally accused of the crimes, he

denied the allegations, then told reporters that he and his

associates

had received

a tip about the alleged terrorists

unidentified "American intelligence officers" feared only those of us

on the

—

from

a claim that

would recognize

inside

I

as

preposterous.

When James and I sure that

we were on

on account of my

Two

finally

I

for the beer,

a date. Also,

I felt

I

left

Macedonia,

ridiculous

I'd visited Silhouette,

which occupied the

level

of activity in

curtained chambers. Macedonian

When

this

ample funds

entire sixth I

walked

in,

warren of small

women, who complained

enough money

endlessly about not having to possess

wasn't entirely

somewhat

of a downtown apartment building.

was amazed by the

seemed

I

nails.

days before

Skopje's posh beauty salon, floor

met

to

buy bread,

all

to maintain every aspect of

their outer appearance.

Seated on a black leather couch amid the whir of electrolysis

gadgets,

hum

of hair dryers, and click-clack of high heels

across the linoleum floor, cases, baffling services:

I

perused the

menu

of,

in

some

vexing with depilation; configuring

your body; climatic turbo solarium; lymphatic drainage; tuna masage; shirker and pedicure; superstructure of long-term euelashes

and waving

euelashes;

American treatment with

fruit

LINDSAY MORAN

28A

acids; biology

treatment with

ampulla with

live ventricle;

this

go-around,

would

I

from shark;

caviar serum;

finally, vig's. I

decided that

gristle

and,

just get a

manicure.

Aside from the Silhouette patrons, the place was packed

with a battalion of manicurists, hairdressers, and masseuses. Little

women

in blue aprons with

magenta

and pink and purple makeup varnished from here

scurried

to there operating the

strut

machinery to remove

—obviously

around her domain barking out

noticed that

I'd

over their faces

moles, and blemishes. Every once in a

hair, cellulite, scars,

while, a towering bleached blonde

would

orange tans,

hair,

all

orders.

been waiting for more than

one of the minions,

snapped

at

from the

leather couch.

who

the

five

owner

When she

minutes, she

in turn snatched

The beautician led me to a brightly lit room

in

me up

which another

customer lay facedown on an examining table that vibrated noisily

and powerfully, causing the woman's

"What

are

we

are

doing for you today, sweetheart?" the

beautician asked, setting "Just

my nails,"

I

flab to gyrate.

me down

replied. "I'm

in a

going

cushioned

home

for

chair.

my brothers

wedding." "Svatbah? like

an

"

A

of excitement passed through the salon

stir

electric current as she

would be attending

a

shouted to the others that

I

wedding.

For the next two hours, two pedicurists devoted themselves to

my feet while the manicurist attended to my hands. Not re-

alizing that

women

I

could understand Macedonian perfectly well, the

cursed up a storm whenever the boss lady was not

around, and also

made

great sport of the

woman

who'd been

BLOWING MY COVER on the I

flab-gyrating

made

clined

machine

as

soon

285

was out the door.

as she

a mental note never to take off my clothes. Then

I

re-

my eyes and thought about going home.

and closed

When

I

woke, close to an hour

later, I

down

looked

my

at

hands and was alarmed to discover that the manicurist had shellacked, atop

my own fingernails,

two-inch-long fake

nails,

painted some kind of glittery pink and adorned with heart-

shaped

decals.

"Super, ne li?" The manicurist's voice

brimmed with

pride.

"For your brothers svatbah\"

At home

later, I

made

the even

more discouraging discovery

that the fake nails were too thick to cut, not to

strongly affixed that there'd be

no way

to

mention so

remove them with-

out ripping off my natural fingernails.

And

so

was that

it

looking like

I

I

arrived for

my

first

date with James

was married to the mob.

We went to

a

Mexican restaurant near the pool where we

used to swim and shared two pitchers of margaritas. tal

of one piece otceviche, because

was trying to conceal "Nice

nails,"

James

I

was too nervous

I

had a

to eat

to-

and

my ridiculously manicured hands. said, smiling,

when

at last

I

reached for

a tortilla chip.

At some point during the course of the evening, during which we talked and laughed and leaned until

my

desire,

it

in

toward each other

head began to swim with ever-increasing hope and

emerged that James's supermodel

of the picture. This was an actual date.

girlfriend

was out

LINDSAY MORAN

286

have to admit,

"I

home," James

said

I've

been looking forward to you coming

once we were outside.

When he leaned over to kiss me, I dug my spike nails into my thighs to prove to myself that it was really happening. When we finished kissing, I blurted out, "Don't you have some photographs you want to show me at home?" In the next month, James and

one

after

calls,

I

and a scary but exhilarating sense

At James's basement apartment, through travels

several real

another all-night e-mail exchange, a flurry of phone

and unprecedented, was happening

lie"

went out on

stomach-churning occasions linked together by

dates: giddy,

piles

I

in

that something special,

my life.

would

sit

for hours leafing

of loose photographs that he had taken on his

around the world. That old adage "the camera doesn't

kept coming to mind. There was a truth to his work that

seemed

to speak to

me from sometime

long before. His pic-

my father used to read aloud when we were young, or the way my mother always

tures

calmed me,

like the

appeared with ginger

ale

bedtime

stories

and crackers when

James took photographs that somehow

I felt

sick.

reflected joy

amid

the misery, richness in poverty, peace where there was war, and lightness through the dark.

I

could study those images for

hours: the leathery faces of Indian his lens;

two children walking hand

lage road; a

Gypsy

girl

women in

gazing coyly into

hand down

a dusty vil-

on a swing, her legs flying freely in

protest against the dreary, darkened sky.

James had traveled the world touched

people's lives in a

as

I

had,

I

discovered, but

wholly different way. While

I'd

been

BLOWING MY COVER

287

roving about plundering other people s privacy, he had been

on

much

a journey that gave as

When he told me way

lar

I

had of looking

would think

if

he knew

and

ten to him,

as

that he liked

I

took.

it

my writing and the particu-

at the world,

was a

spy.

I

wondered what he

realized that

I

to others, the only things

I

I

had

writ-

could write: the

small and honest observations that emerged like rare shining

pebbles

on the otherwise ravaged shore of untruths

become

my life.

The more time

I

spent with James, the more

started to laugh out loud again.

was not

my

entirely

life. I

I

dropped hints that maybe

I

happy with the direction

proud

American.

to be

matter of fact, what

Each time

I

in

I

I

which I

I'd

taken

was no longer

And I mentioned that, yes,

really loved

was with James,

I

had

liked him.

even told him that, truth be told,

particularly as a

I

that

was to

felt like a

write.

snake shedding

another layer of its skin.

rdering dinner at

an Indian

restaurant,

James and I cannot

take our eyes from each other long enough to read the menu. I

him

to

and watch

decide,

waiter

and the

as his smile infects the hostess

boy

who comes

to refill

come

visit you in

Macedonia, "James

and

"I

want

to

"You should, "I will, "

he

"

I'll

be heading back to finish out

I say.

says.

the

our water, before he turns

me.

In a few days,

let

says.

my

tour.

LINDSAY MORAN

288

"Er

.

.

when?"

.

James

laughs. "I guess as soon as

I think about returning have

to

—

turn over or

I can.

Macedonia,

to

—

And when

water,

someone who

care as

a recruited

—not

as

a

loose.

I

I think up

memory of these moments

I swim back and forth in the decrepit

Skopje pool, I will have someone to take

agent, or

cut

long, solitary bike ride

Vodno, I will be fueled by the

with James.

loose ends, agents

if I have my druthers

about how now when I take that

Mount

"

my mind offthe polluted

isn't

a developmental

spy.

I will have someone for

case officer or as

contact,

a potential

whom I

can

an agent handler, but as a person,

a woman, as myself. "You never finished telling studying

says,

I

my face as he

laugh. In his eyes,

—above —

and

"You

all

me what

takes

a long swig from

his beer.

I see compassion, humor, understanding,

take his

even started telling you what I do. that,

that you do, "James

truth.

know what James?" I

And with

it is

I slowly begin

hand

in mine.

"

to lift

my cover.

"I never

Epilogue

I

was married

to

James Kegley in Vienna, Virginia, on Sep-

tember 21, 2003, four months

after

I

officially resigned

from

the CIA.

Leaving the Agency, difficult as getting in.

dead

set against

was

I

For

starters,

would be almost

—who had been

—was even more

I

might

burn

appalled

quit.

my mother kept saying. any bridges with 'the company,"' my

"What about your health to

as

my family

my joining the CIA

by the thought that

"You don't want

to discover,

insurance?"

father cautioned, cryptically, over the phone.

My brother never criticized my desire to leave, but thought he must have been disappointed. We were about to go to war. I

LINDSAYMORAN

290

More

accurately, he

was about to go to war: stationed on the

USS

Kitty

Hawk, which

Iraq.

And

there

I

was:

already was barreling

of which was

way toward

on the verge of going AWOL.

wanted out of the Agency

I

least

its

for a

number of

reasons, not

my conviction that invading Iraq was one of

the most misguided courses of action our country could follow. to

The

war,

and the CIA's

role in bringing

it

about, seemed

me a disgracefully concocted diversion,

intended to obscure

Usama

bin Laden and that,

the fact that

we

still

hadn't caught

truth be told, we'd accomplished precious to eradicate the terrorist networks that

in the

first

Macedonia,

I

2003, not long

was "surged"

in order to help gear

for

covered

more than

that the

Saddam

our

efforts 1

up

to

after

Iraq's

my

return from

the Near East (NE) Division

for the invasion of Iraq.

short tenure in Iraqi Operations,

who had

in

place.

Ironically, in early

my

little

had caused September

I

During

met one woman

weapons of mass destruction program

a decade. She admitted to me, unequivocally,

CIA had no

definitive evidence whatsoever that

Hussein's regime possessed

WMD,

or that Iraq pre-

sented anything close to an imminent threat to the United States.

Another CIA

analyst,

whose opinion

I'd solicited

connection between Al-Qa'ida and Iraq, looked

at

about the

me

almost

shamefacedly, shrugged, and said, "They both have the letter

qV And

a colleague

counterproliferation

who worked in the office covering Iraqi reported to me that her mealy-mouthed

pen pusher of a boss had gathered together

his

minions and

LOWING MY COVER announced,

"Let's face

and our job

is

When I I

had

heard that,

The

I'd

president wants us to go to war,

a reason to

do

it."

been appalled. At that point,

I

knew

to get out.

Meanwhile,

was

it.

him

to give

291

I

learned from cable traffic that Tornado

at large in the

and though she

Middle

didn't ever

garnered a tremendous

and

East, pitching Iraqis left

manage

to recruit

amount of praise

Sally-

right,

any of them, she

for her efforts

from

Headquarters.

One day, Jin Suk,

in the

Agency cafeteria,

I

was surprised

whom I'd not seen in three years.

She

to

run into

sat upright, as if

balancing a teacup on her head, and spoke of her desire to be

on one of the advance teams Ethan was prevented the

he was

also

on

CIA

afflicted

his

that

way

would march

to

with a crippling disease.

to Iraq, where, like the multitude

knew would

I

He was

of other case

would make gobs of

eager to get

officers

that he

I

didn't see the

being

—hardship

money

danger pay, and overtime. "Carpe per diem,

with me. Ethan and

I

Baghdad, having somehow

medical examiners from discovering that

sent there daily, he pay,

into Baghdad.

"

he joked

war the same way, but

was one of the few people

whom

I

I

genuinely

miss.

myself experienced the ultimate ethical mortification

received an e-mail informing

ceptional Performance

Operation

Iraqi

me that I

Commendation"

Freedom.

I

months leading up

for

my

support of

never went to the ceremony and

decided the award was something In the

when

was to receive an "Ex-

to

I

could

live

my resignation,

without. the

CIA seemed

LINDSAY MORAN

292

to me,

one

more and more with each passing day,

at its

helm.

One day,

like a ship

with no

ran into George Tenet in the Agency's

I

underground gym. Once a confident and good-looking man, he

now appeared overweight and overwrought. He stared dejectedly at his own reflection in the mirror as he struggled to complete

one

set

of rather paltry weights.

Aside from the discouragement of

my

certainty about

impediment

to leaving:

quite simply didn't

I

then quietly

But ups in

I

minded,

1

1

slip

knew

CE I

to casually

my boss was

elusive balding bureaucrat

had more important things

personal misgivings about

one other

know where I was

quit. Technically,

Chief of Iraqi Operations, an

might be able

family and the un-

professional future, there was

supposed to go in order to

clearly

my

my

to

career.

mention

the

who

my

worry about than I

half

wondered

to him, "Hey,

I

quit,"

if I

and

out the door.

that eventually

Division, to

I

whom,

would have I

to face the higher-

more than once had been

re-

"belonged."

was the Office of Security that ultimately provided

the courage to

act.

After two "conclusively inconclusive" poly-

graph exams during

of Security sent

me

me

my

routine reinvestigation, the Office

to talk to an intra-Agency counselor, a sal-

low, poker-faced blonde

who

couldn't have been

twenty- two years old. She warned

me

that

I

more than

probably ought to

BLOWING MY COVER

my

"reconsider the value" of

293

out-of-Agency friends,

as those

my future career. I told her I'd much rather reconsider the value of my career, actually.

relationships

were

likely to

hinder

"That's a very telling remark," she said. it

in

your

have to record

file."

"Please do,"

in

"I'll

I

said, smiling.

When I finally quit, my hand. The form

I

was clutching a half-crumpled

—which would have

required

memo

me

out details on James and his extended family on both tracing back,

it

seemed, to the Civil

—

War

to

fill

sides,

represented to

me

the final straw.

"I'm not going to

who was

fill

I

said to the security officer,

to extricate a morsel of food lodged be-

his front teeth.

turned on

my

heel, left the office,

through the corridors that ated in the otherwise stairs to

Irene,

whom

I

leaning back in his chair and using a manila envelope

stamped "Top Secret" tween

this out,"

still

I

could

hallway.

feel I

and walked so

fast

my body

cre-

the breeze

stormed up four

CE Division "Front Office." CE Division's second-in-command,

flights

of

the

I'd

was a

woman

met only once but had spotted many times

as

she

anxiously paced back and forth, chain-smoking in the smokers'

courtyard. She exuded a sense of

would have

chilled

"I'm resigning,"

me I

power

that at

one time

to the bone.

said to Irene. "I'm leaving the Agency."

Impassive, Irene wheeled her swivel chair over to a

com-

LINDSAY MORAN

294

puter and began furiously hacking away at the keyboard.

expected some security goons to storm

me

half

me, and haul

in, seize

A painful silence ensued while Irene consulted what-

out.

ever

I

had appeared on her computer

screen.

"We'll discuss this with the chief next week," she said

when

she finally returned her attention to me. "There's nothing to discuss,"

mind."

think

I

that there

"We'd said,

it

dawned on

was not

all

really

much

Irene

said.

almost causing

me

"I've

me

and

made up my

at the

same time

she could do.

be concerned for you ...

is

the problem," Irene

to laugh out loud.

ence difficulty finding your is

I

way

"You may experi-

'on the outside.'

The Agency

your family now."

mob!

Its like the

family, Irene,"

I

Irene sighed

thought. "The Agency was never

I

said. "In fact,

when

I

miss

my real

my

family."

she said, "I suppose there's not

much we

can do."

"No,"

I

said. "There's really not."

Irene rose,

"There

you

will

of her

the

I

rose,

and we awkwardly shook hands.

be some paperwork for you to

fill

out before

leave," Irene said.

Of course was

and

there will,

office,

careful

and

on

I

as Bill

my

thought. But

I

had cautioned

practically floated out

me

during training,

way out, so that the door didn't

hit

I

me on

ass.

Outside,

it

was a gloriously windy

day.

Darkening clouds

rolled over Headquarters but, in the distance,

the sun.

I

could see

BLOWING MY COVER I

would be going

overseas again soon. This time,

going to ask anyone's permission.

would have no mission.

And

I

also wouldn't

ets to India.

295

I

I

I

would have no

was not alias.

I

wouldn't be under cover.

be alone. James and

I

had bought

We were going on our honeymoon.

tick-

Acknowledgments

my agent,

Thanks

to

project

from

its

it

never would have happened. Thanks

and

to everyone else at

book come about.

I

would

Putnam who helped make

like also to

vard professor Richard Marius, who, I

asked

him

you should crets

if

I

write."

Thanks

and manuscripts;

of the people

who you

are.

to

to

my

many

whom

I

can't

my love

and

late

years ago

Har-

when

said, "Yes

family, keepers

Annie Ward and Amy

women and

of my

.

.

.

se-

Gorin Chap-

invaluable friends; and to

thank by name

Most of all, I would

James Kegley,

thank the

should enter public service,

man, incomparable all

believed in this

my editor, Jennifer Hershey, who is as caring as she is

exacting, this

who

inception and without whose dedication

and encouragement also to

Douglas Stewart,

like

my life's

to thank

—you know

my husband,

inspiration.

Lindsay Moran peared in the Today.

is

a freelance writer

New York

From 1998

whose

articles

Times, the Washington Post,

to 2003, she

worked

the CIA. She lives in Washington,

D.C.

have ap-

and USA

as a case officer for

'Not only humorous and charming, but also a searing indictment

—Milwaukee Journal

of the CIA."

Sentinel

-

Moran. .Lindsay Moran .

Call the

my

me Spy

naive, but

—

when

I

was

wanted was

all I

secret-agent aspirations

Getting in was

a girl

—watching. James Bond and devouring

grow up to be a when I became an

to

my

college grad,

I

sent

a story in itself.

I

peed

was nearly condemned

as a

in

spy.

Unlike most

So

adult.

as a

kids,

I

Harriet

didn't lose

bright-eyed, idealistic

resume to the CIA....

more cups than you could imagine, and

sexual deviant by the staff psychologist.

were getting freaked out by government background asking questions about

my

My

roommates

investigators lurking around,

past.

CIA case officer. They taught me to crash cars into Jump out of airplanes with cargo attached to my body. Survive interrogation, travel in alias, lose a tail. One thing they didn't teach us was how to date a guy while lying to him about what you do for a living. Finally,

I

was in training to be

a

barriers at sixty miles per hour.

That

Then

I

I

had to figure out

was posted overseas. And

that's

for myself.

when

"Unusually candid. .intensely personal." .

Surprisingly honest... one of the

the real fun began....

— The Washington Post

most revealing and up-to-date

of the day-to-day routine of a

CIA

spook."

— USA Today

y

portraits

ISBN D-4E5- 3Q5L2- E 5

1

4

)>

C

MEMOIR

It

'w.penguin.c

f 1

II

$14.00 U.S. $20.00

9

780 425H2

35

624

HI

I

CAN