Arrested development: and that's why ... you always leave a note 9780762452552, 9780762453184, 0762452552

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$13.95 in U.S.A. $16.50 in Canada

(continued from front flap)

seasons of the show, Arrested Development: And

That’s Why . . . You Always Leave a Note offers valuable life lessons from Michael, G.O.B., Lucille, George Sr., Lindsay, George Michael, Tobias, and the rest of the Bluth gang with chapters including: Family First, Huge Mistakes, Parental Guidance, Risky Business, and more. Relive all your favorite Arrested Development moments with this must-have companion to the ground-breaking comedy series.

And now the story of a wealthy family who lost everything, and the one son who had no choice but to keep them all together . . . It’s Arrested Development.

Arrested Development is an American television sitcom created by Mitchell Hurwitz. The series aired for three

Meet the formerly wealthy and habitually dysfunc-

seasons on the Fox network from 2003 to 2006, and

tional Bluth family. When family patriarch George Sr. is

recently was revived in a fourth season with all-new

sent to prison for shifty accounting practices, the Bluths

episodes available exclusively on Netflix. It is critically

must face reality—or not. Since the family assets have

acclaimed as one of the best comedies of all time.

been frozen and the family business is in jeopardy, it looks like they may have to give up their lavish lifestyle. Worse yet, they may have to go out and get jobs! The only one who seems to understand the seriousness of their predicament is Michael, who realizes it’s up to him to guide his eccentric family into this new chapter of

ISBN 978-0-7624-5255-2

their lives: Chapter 11. Full of the most memorable quotes and images

™ & © 2013 Twentieth Century Fox Film Corporation. All rights reserved.

Printed in Canada 10/13

Running Press

V I S I T U S O N T H E W E B ! W W W. R U N N I N G P R E S S . C O M

from some of the best moments from the original three (continued on back flap)

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™ & © 2013 Twentieth Century Fox Film Corporation. All rights reserved. Published by Running Press, A Member of the Perseus Books Group All rights reserved under the Pan-American and International Copyright Conventions Printed in Canada

This book may not be reproduced in whole or in part, in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system now known or hereafter invented, without written permission from the publisher. Books published by Running Press are available at special discounts for bulk purchases in the United States by corporations, institutions, and other organizations. For more information, please contact the Special Markets Department at the Perseus Books Group, 2300 Chestnut Street, Suite 200, Philadelphia, PA 19103, or call (800) 810-4145, ext. 5000, or e-mail [email protected]. ISBN 978-0-7624-5255-2 Library of Congress Control Number: 2013948618 E-book ISBN 978-0-7624-5318-4 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 Digit on the right indicates the number of this printing Edited by Jennifer Leczkowski Typography: Antique Olive and Blur Running Press Book Publishers 2300 Chestnut Street Philadelphia, PA 19103-4371 Visit us on the web! www.runningpress.com

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Contents Introduction 4 Family First 6 Huge Mistakes 22 (Mis)Communication 38 Parental Guidance 54 Sink or Swim 70 Marry Me! 86 Hey, Brother 102 Risky Business 116 Growing Up 130

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Introduction

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W

HEN family patriarch George Sr. is imprisoned for his shifty accounting practices, the Bluth family is forced to face reality—or not. With the family assets frozen and the family business in jeopardy, it looks like the Bluths will have to give up their lavish lifestyle. The Bluths may live in a model home, but they’re not exactly a model family. This dysfunctional bunch lie to each other, get into fistfights, take advantage of each other, and call each other names. But through it all, they stick together. Sure, they’ve made some huge mistakes. From getting married on a dare, to some, um, light treason. But they’ve also learned some valuable life lessons. Like the importance of leaving a note. And putting family first. And watching out for hop-ons (you’re gonna get some hop-ons). On the following pages, we’ll revisit some of the ups and downs of the Bluth family, and perhaps learn a few lessons about life, love, family, and illusions. After all, they said some wonderful things.

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Family First

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MICHAEL:

What comes before anything? What have we always said is the most important thing? GEORGE MICHAEL:

Breakfast. MICHAEL:

Family. GEORGE MICHAEL:

Family, right. I thought you meant of the things you eat. 7

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LUCILLE

I need a favor. We ought to put that on our

MICHAEL

family crest. 8

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MICHAEL:

I’m gonna go fishing with my son here. We’re gonna go have some fun. Real fun. Okay? Not everything is strippers and booze and buckets of blood.

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G.O.B.

Nobody makes a fool of our family without

my help. 13

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MAEBY

Ever get the feeling

like you don’t even matter?

Only when

I’m around

LUCILLE

my children. 14

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LUCILLE:

Buster, what are you doing with Mother’s rape horn? I have a rape horn, Michael, because you took away my mace. BUSTER:

Yeah, like anyone would want to “R” her.

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MICHAEL

Has anyone in this family ever even

seen a chicken? 19

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LINDSAY:

Did you enjoy your meal, Mom? You drank it fast enough. LUCILLE:

Not as much as you enjoyed yours. You want your belt to buckle, not your chair.

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Huge Mistakes

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R. GEORGE S

There’s a good chance that I—

that I may have committed some, um,

light treason. 23

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G.O.B.

Well, she was a darer. She’s one of those girls who just dares you to do things. MICHAEL

You married her? I needed a dare! G.O.B.

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TOBIAS:

Well, yes, I’m afraid I prematurely shot my wad, or what was supposed to be a dry run, if you will. So now I’m afraid I have something of a mess on my hands. MICHAEL:

It’s just—there’s just so many poorly chosen words in that sentence.

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G.O.B.

I’ve made a

huge mistake. 28

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GUA R D

NOHING!

TOUC 31

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MICHAEL:

You’re either going to jail, or if the judge shows absolutely no mercy at all, you’ll be staying here with my mother.

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BUSTER

You lied to me. You said my father was my father, but my uncle is my father. My father

is my uncle! 35

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GEORGE SR.:

They’re gonna kill Grandpa. I gotta get out of here. I’m an innocent man. You gotta help Pop-pop get outta here. Give me your hair. GEORGE MICHAEL:

My hair? GEORGE SR.:

Give me your hair. Give Pop-pop your hair. 37

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(Mis)Communication

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TOBIAS

Oh, I can just taste those

meaty leading man parts in my mouth.

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MAEBY:

Do you guys know where I could get one of those gold necklaces with the “t” on it? MICHAEL:

That’s a cross. MAEBY:

Across from where?

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LUCILLE

I don’t understand the question,

and I won’t respond to it.

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TOBIAS

I’m afraid I just

blue myself. MICHAEL

There’s gotta be a better way to say that.

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LUCILLE

What’s Spanish for “I know you speak

English”? 47

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MICHAEL

It’s as Ann as the nose on plain’s face.

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MICHAEL

She’s a little bit more like me. It’s like we finish each other’s— LINDSAY

Sandwiches? 51

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MRS. FEATHERBOTTOM:

Who’d like “a banger in the mouth”? Oh! Right! I forgot. Here in the states, you call it “a sausage in the mouth.” MICHAEL:

We just call it “sausage.”

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Parental Guidance

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LUCILLE:

I don’t have the milk of mother’s kindness in me anymore. MICHAEL:

Yeah, that udder’s been dry for a while now, hasn’t it?

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MICHAEL:

She’s always got to wedge herself in the middle of us so she can control everything. BUSTER:

Yeah. Mom’s awesome. Maybe we should call her.

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LUCILLE

Oh, she thinks

I’m too critical. That’s another fault

of hers.

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G.O.B.

Moms are such a pain in the ass, huh? It’s like

“Die already!” 60

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I’m looking for

something that says, TOBIAS

“Dad likes

leather.” 63

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LINDSAY

That’s all I ever wanted from you,

Daddy. For you to spend money on me.

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LUCILLE:

Now that your father has deserted us, Buster’s become impossible to control. Suddenly he’s too much of a big shot to brush Mother’s hair.

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LINDSAY:

You need to learn a little discipline. MAEBY:

Hmm. Nope, that doesn’t feel right. LINDSAY:

No, no, no. I’m telling you. You are now punished. I punish thee.

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Sink or Swim

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It’s called G.O.B.

taking advantage.

It’s what gets you ahead in life.

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GEORGE SR.:

I haven’t had a vacation in years. This is my vacation. I’m exercising. I’m sleeping well. MICHAEL:

You’re doing time. GEORGE SR.:

I’m doing the time of my life.

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TOBIAS

I’ll be your wingman. Even if it means me taking a

chubby, I will suck it up.

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MICHAEL:

I mean, if you’d tried and failed, I’d understand, but you didn’t even try. LINDSAY:

So, I didn’t even fail, and I don’t see you giving me credit for that.

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GEORGE SR.:

I’m under a lot of pressure. I’m trying to get my newsletter off the ground, and I’m trying to decide which gang to align myself with.

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LUCILLE

Michael, what are you doing tomorrow?

MICHAEL

Having my day ruined with

whatever you’re about to

ask me to do. 81

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G.O.B.:

I’m a complete failure. GEORGE SR.:

Where’d you get that kind of talk? G.O.B.:

From you. You always say that about me.

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BUSTER:

They’re taking me in the army. They didn’t think there was enough wrong with me. LUCILLE:

Well, did they check everything? BUSTER:

Yes, they even touched my Charlie Browns.

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Marry Me!

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LINDSAY:

My husband dumped me and ran off to Vegas with Kitty. That bleached blonde whore. MICHAEL:

He’s definitely got a type.

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GEORGE M ICHAEL

She’s kind of

my girlfriend. MICHAEL

Her? 88

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LUCILLE:

What, did that Mexican throw you out? G.O.B.:

She’s not “that Mexican,” Mom. She’s my Mexican. And she’s Colombian or something.

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R. GEORGE S

Daddy horny, Michael.

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MICHAEL:

Maybe it’s time you got out there and started meeting people, you know, meeting women. Meeting women who didn’t give birth to you.

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If I look like a man

who made love to his wife last night, it’s because

I almost did.

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TOBIAS

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BUSTER:

That’s what you do when life hands you a chance to be with someone special. You just grab that—that brownish area by its points, and you don’t let go no matter what your mom says.

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G.O.B.

I’ve got the marriage and none of the good parts. It’s like so far it’s been

all chain

and no ball. 101

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Hey, Brother

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BUSTER

We have

unlimited juice? This party is gonna be off the hook.

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MICHAEL

So this is the magic trick, huh?

G.O.B.

Illusion, Michael. A trick is something a whore does for money. Or candy. 104

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LINDSAY:

Michael, if this is a lecture on how we’re all supposed to whatever and blah, blah, blah, well, you can save it, ‘cause we all know it by heart.

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G.O.B.

I don’t see you crying,

robot! You taste these tears. Taste my sad, Michael.

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MICHAEL:

I’ve got a nice, hard cot with his name on it. LUCILLE:

You’d do that to your own brother? MICHAEL:

I said “cot.”

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Hit me in the face! Hit me in the face! Hit me in the face! BUSTER

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MICHAEL:

You’ve got to be the laziest person in the world. LINDSAY:

If you weren’t all the way on the other side of the room, I’d slap your face.

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Risky Business

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GEORGE MICHAEL:

Yeah, but if I fail math, there goes my chance at a good job and a happy life of hard work, like you always say.

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TOBIAS

Are you forgetting that I was

a professional twice over? An analyst and a therapist.

The world’s first

“analrapist.”

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Come on, you douche bags. We’re all on the BUSTER

same

team! 120

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There’s always R. GEORGE S

money in the

banana stand. 123

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MICHAEL:

I’m gonna give you a promotion. Welcome aboard, Mr. Manager. GEORGE MICHAEL:

Wow, I’m Mr. Manager! MICHAEL:

Well, manager. We just say “manager.”

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G.O.B.:

My brother wasn’t optimistic it could be done. But I didn’t take “wasn’t optimistic it could be done” for an answer.

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G.O.B.

My brother wasn’t optimistic it could be done. But I didn’t take

“wasn’t optimistic it could be done” for an answer.

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G.O.B.:

Hey, I’m the President now. Filling Dad’s shoes literally, except his shoes don’t fit. But I did finally get into Dad’s pants, although I had to have the crotch taken in a little.

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Growing Up

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MAEBY:

I don’t care, and I’m not saying “I don’t care” like kids who say they don’t care when they really do care— ‘cause I really don’t care.

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BUSTER:

I mean, there is so much in life that I have not experienced. And now that I’m away from Mom, I feel like this is my chance to live. I want to dance. I want to make love to a woman. I want to get a checking account.

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ICHAEL GEORGE M

Yeah, I’m gonna need

a leather jacket for when I’m on my hog and need to go into a controlled slide.

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BUSTER

Wow,

we’re just blowing through

naptime, aren’t we? 136

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G.O.B.

You’ve never even thrown a ball around with me. GEORGE S R.

Great. Now you’re an athlete. 139

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BUSTER:

I decided to sleep in the car so my snoring wouldn’t bother you, and I left that recording of my snoring so you wouldn’t know I’m gone.

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TOBIAS

Ah, le clumsy adolescence. It’s a phase we’ve all been through. Except for me. I was like a cat.

I always ended up on all fours. Like a cat.

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BUSTER:

I’m flying!

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