Arcane Poetry: A Journey Into Madness and Beyond 9781777637750

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Arcane Poetry A Journey Into Madness And Beyond





S. Alim Reza

© 2021, Unica Communications All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other noncommercial uses permitted by copyright law. For permission requests, contact [email protected]. Unica Communications C/O Joven Tel, Inc. 236 Pritchard Rd. Hamilton, ON L8W 3P7 Canada unicacommunications.com Hardcover ISBN: 978-1-7776377-5-0 First Printing December 2021




Cover Design: Stanislav Agafonov @luv_draft

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Preface

11

Dichotomy

14

Profane

15

A Bard

15

Portfolio

16

A World of Secrets

16

In The Darkness

17

We Walk A Fine Line

18

Inside Out

18

F- Spiral

19

A Balance of Balances

20

Our house is crumbling around us

21

Visionary

22

Ever Stop…And Think?

23

People

24

Fear

25

Living in a world

26

On the Verge of Change

27

Paranoid Fork in the Road

28

Foundation for the Wall around My Heart

29

I like Fluoride

30

I don't want a wife and kids

31

7 am

32

Economic Warfare

33

Art is Born

34

Alley Cats

35

Hipsters

36

Hedonist Sloth

37

Ragamuf n

37

Blank

38

I Care

39

Our meeting was hardly a coincidence

40

Love and Masturbation

41

The Girl Who Ate Ants

42

Turning My Gaze

43

A Common Thread

44

A Soliloquy

45

Departing Introduction

46

Coma

47

Samhain Summer

47

The Darkness Within

48

Time

50

Blood Rose

51

Forgotten Son

52

The World Is a leftover Collection of peoples

54

Convergence Chamber

54

Dog Chasing Tail

55

I want to pass out

56

Mantra

57

UNLEASH

58

Dynamic Static

58

Purgatory

60

Artistic License

62

Shadows: Illuminate the Darkness

63

A Suicide Note –

64

1000 Ways to Break a Bottle

65

High On Death

66

Metametaphor

67

Macabre Fandango

68

Follow the white cat

69

Hedonist Sloth, part 2

70

Dreams of Darkness

71

Perception’s Plane

72

Evolved Despair

74

75

Frigid

76

Headache

77

Fleeting

78

Bug

79

Equally Disoriented

80

Coming Apart at the Seams

81

Petty Is The Love

82

My parents are dead.

83

A padded life

84

~~

85

Scenes of T- City

86

Dark Prince

88

Horns and Pitchfork

89

The Sword

89

Beautiful Battle eld

89

Self Loathing

90

I am a total fraud

90

Origami Heart

91

I hate this place.

92

I am a slouch, lazy person

93

Almost a Thief

93

The Depressed Women

94

Death

95

Love and Gambling

96

Oblivion

97

Kink

97

Amidst Approaching Evil

98

Soul Vampire

99

Visions of the Past

101

Why do we fear the dark?

102

Drowning Pool

103

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Soundless Vibration

Lucky Bamboo

103

A Life Meant to be Lived

104

Ascent of Dissent

105

All That Is

106

Cockroach King

107

Wits End

108

Lines of Code

109

A Monster

110

If I am damned

110

Home

111

20

112

An Inner Debate of Destiny

114

I am a poet

115

Content Being Miserable

116

Blue Gray

117

A Thousand Lifetimes

118

Renaissance

119

The earth sucks me into her womb

119

The First to Awaken

120

Nine Lives

121

Every Moment Lived

121

Adulthood: Day One

122

Quit

122

Self Education

123

Sunshine through the Rain

124

Hu

125

My Om

127

Grand Scheme

128

Living Anthropometry

129

Mind Palace

129

Love

130

Love (#2)

132

Truth

134

Tongue Tied

135

I am a man

135

Transcendent Life Preserver

136

Mind Bender

137

Placebo

138

Yang

138

What if the heaven you dream of

139

Disconnect

139

Ego is the entire problem with humanity

140

Peacock Mirror

140

Third eye

140

I hold up my thought

141

I am the target of your hatred for yourself

142

How do we go on?

143

I feel like I’m just a mirror for others’ emotions

143

Grit & Sanctity

144

A List

144

The Sunshine

145

4:20

146

The not-so obvious frustrating rift between thinking and feeling

147

She’s my anti-

147

This Love I Feel

148

Desire

149

An interruption in my life

150

Near Misses

150

Hunger

152

How Long Can We Hunt?

153

Prophetic Inebriate

153

Side Rant

154

Coalescence

155

I believe in reincarnation.

156

Primordial Religion

157

Shaman

157

Music is a Colourful Voice

158

Why now?

159

Mutable Air

160

I don't consider it as I've lost close friends.

160

Rose

161

Beaten Down

162

Who Am I?

163

Disturbing the Peace

164

Humanity

165

Anus

166

Seeing you today

167

The Sombre Silence of Suburbia

168

Natural High

168

Personal Best

169

I hold up my staff, supporting my lantern

170

Motivating The Universe

171

My ego died

173

Don’t run

173

Microcosmic Convalescence

174

Our relationship with time has changed

175

I Am The Light

176

Bake a Fish

177

Belief

177

You don’t need me to tell you about God

178

It’s ALL Imaginary

179

Don’t be greedy in Healing

180

The Universe is Balanced

180

I pray for justice for all who are oppressed

181

The Inheritance

182

Missing Travel

183

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If I were to die today

184

Every day I grow

185

My mother’s bastards

186

I am a mean bastard

186

Sometimes

187

Letting Loose

187

I Despise All The Lies

188

Piss On The Ashes

189

Song of Life

190

The "point" of life

190

What I’m here to do

191

I write because I feel alone

191

Writing is like giving life

192

1 Secret of Kether

193

Depression From Missing Pieces

194

Evolutionary Creationist

195

Face changing in the mirror

196

Feelings of Inadequacy

197

I think loose paper and pen are best

198

Ideas are like air

199

Lest We Forget

199

Seeker's School of Mystery

200

Fibonacci Curve

201

F-Curve Scale

202

Self care is the antithesis of self doubt

203

Tear Down The Edi ce

204

The Flood Vision

205

(I Am)

206

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Electricity in the Air

Preface

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You hold before you a poetry book, so I promise to keep the additional commentary to a minimum.   Please read this with an open mind and heart, even if a guarded one. It is not just a pile of work dumped on you, but a deliberate story arc of a journey that loosely corresponds with its sister work, The Arcane Diary. While these works are related and connected in spirit, their intention has always been to stand on their own. And now they will.   These poems are a collection of works spanning nearly two decades. Admittedly, some of them are a little rough to get through but tell an underlying, subtextual story of The Arcane Diary. Some of the poems were the rst manifestations of the concepts the novel is based on. Many of them are about the underlying experiences that formed the desire to write the other.   To be completely honest, I don’t even like poetry, which is ironic given the amount of it that comes out of me. But if I read this work for the rst time, I would say there was de nitely something about it. Whether that something is to your liking or not, well, you can be the judge of that.   Poems are easier to write than novels. One page doesn’t necessarily have to ow into the next while you write it. There is no plot, not necessarily any characters or settings.

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But somehow, a vision of a complex feeling can be condensed into words that are quickly read, even if they’re not immediately digested.   These words are my confession. I have bled this story onto the page, which you now hold in your hands. Shit on the work if you like, hate on it if you must, or ignore it and continue on your merry way. It is an enormous sense of relief and satisfaction to have lived these words and survived them to tell the tale. I sincerely hope that someone who can relate to them will nd a sliver of that same hope, even to know that they are not crazy. That they are not alone in feeling what they do.   Some of these poems are hard to read because they were hard to write and remain hard to share. These are not all happy words. Some of them were written during the darkest periods of my life. But here I stay, and somewhat miraculously, so do they.   It is a story of disillusionment, descent to the lowest depths a soul can reach, and returning to dangerously uncertain comfort. It is a journey into the depths of the soul, a point-ofview of living with mental illness, trauma, and addictions. A story of the struggle, the wonder, the terror of coming-of-age living with concurrent undiagnosed conditions. The hells of our own making, and nally, the battle to equilibrate all the opposing internal forces to varying degrees of success.   Is it heaven or just another kind of hell?   It has to get worse before it gets better. As with all dark spots in life, it does get better. Sometimes it gets worse again, but

you are better for having lived through it, as you will be once again.   Honestly, I’m glad to get it off my chest. These stories have been carrying around with me for far too long, and it comes as a hugely liberating experience to share with you now.



Dichotomy

Profane That I should profane These pages with such thoughts A delicious guilt Of de ling something new

A Bard

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A poet on a mystic path My song is without a melody, But with the rhythm of life And the tune of the breeze Under the thrum of eyes watching Amidst the trees. Only for a moment Then it is gone.

Portfolio Seeking adventures To fuel the dreams Of my next life Subliminal memories To remind me of another time Past And encouragement to keep on Dreaming of the future

A World of Secrets A world of secrets, shadows And the creatures that dwell in it Spies, thieves, politicians Crooks, liars and killers It is the world about And a mirror of within

In The Darkness

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A rst for me Sitting under the warm dim glow Writing my feelings down Under the candlelight. A day of reckoning For the electric world Leaves my city In darkness. Without lights It feels no less alive Yet quieter More peaceful. Stars are in sight Crickets can be serenading All while I enjoy My three little candles Ever so slightly dancing In the seldom felt breeze. How simple life is Yet how complicated we make it. If we need so few things To survive, And so little to make truly happy, Why is everything so confusing?

We Walk A Fine Line We walk a ne line in this life, Upon the edge of a knife Between sanity and madness, Between existence and a void.

Inside Out

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The world is at So turn yourself Inside out See the inverse The anti-universe To discover only one Of the many possibilities Beyond our reach But not our grasp Natural sight sees but one Time and place But dreams show what has What is and what may Incomprehensibly complementary A shadow of true self

F- Spiral

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Spiraling downward toward inevitable destruction Enjoying the ride down the graceful elegant curve A perfect ratio for aesthetic mechanical matter In utility of existence, gentle caresses of doom The cosmos are born with a bang – we explode outward with them Until the cycle completes, repeats and all is recycled Stars, planets, game pieces Far beyond our epoch, It is a greater acceptance we, As gracefully accepting humans Have come to assume as a universal failure But those with faith would say there was more to it, More to US than we even know Like a superconscious, superego, super-whatever Personi cation of self We do have a tendency to act in a most egocentric fashion. Self-assuredly con icted of our own greatness, We seek the answers to what lies beneath The surface of everything. Whether it is psychoanalytic doors of perception, Aspiring levels of heaven and hell, Or transcendence of spiritual wheels. Doom is a certainty that we must embrace In order to overcome its fear

A Balance of Balances I believe in monotheism, I really do The problem I have is with the Image of the One Ultimate God: I feel the omniscient omnipotent and omnipresent Force that we cannot even fathom, yet we are a part of nevertheless. This makes me a pantetheist God is not only within us all We, form some incalculable microcosm We and everything that exists Is just a tiny bit of the One. To imagine that One as remotely like us And that there only is us and the One Is arrogance beyond reason. To use Him, Her or even God Is a weakness in our language And our thinking For everything that is There is a balance dynamic Between light and darkness Beyond our tiny visible spectrum And to ascribe Godhead to the many Types of energy that are Is indeed foolish blasphemy But to believe in ignorant avoidance Of the many planes beyond our sight Is an insult to the gift of intelligence we've been given

I don't believe that God can be personi ed as our father Nor can be the Devil That is not to say there is no evil But ignoring the energies beyond our reason Makes us blind and isolated

Our house is crumbling around us

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One so shiny and clever On the outside But empty and drafty within The furnace grows cold

A couple of drops And I dissolve Brought back To this life, To its Reality And ick it Like a Fork Into the Ocean  

Visionary




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  I'd like to forget The death The worst thing you could do is get people riled up Resist the urge To react fearfully Evolve Do what we aspire be Instead of how we were

Ever Stop…And Think? Ever stop And think? Segregate yourself From the main stream? Why are we here? To wander aimlessly? To be prodded along Like cattle By popular culture Until we graze Upon something Something mundane That we “need”? Be spontaneous. Separate. Observe. Refuse To be cattle. Think. Independently. You can do it.

People   I walk upright I am somewhat self aware And as I stroll Through this cookie-cutter community With so much Yet so little Discernible random The signed up Upgraded Upsized Dumbed down Drive-thru Shoppers pass In their gas-powered dragons Don’t they see? To articulate is what makes us Intelligent When we express That is what makes us Real Squealing tires Like pissing dogs Trying to make their mark A sun in the sky Yet dark are our eyes

Fear

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Who have we got to be afraid of? Besides ourselves, perhaps Who knows, who cares? What is there to say When it’s all been said? And we realize That down the wrong path we’ve been led Pressure, pressure, pressure Coming from here and there What to wear, for whom to care I think the world’s nuts How about you? Do you t in along with the rest? Or do you have what it takes To do your own thing? Who can de ne normal? What is that? Someone’s ideas, that’s all If we can’t break free That’ll be our fall Conforming to someone’s conception of reality Has never appealed to me in the least If we can’t separate ourselves We are prisoners of society Merely pawns of a corporate world Who cares not of those who cannot afford The newest and latest

Rather it has many followers Who may not realize it But are rising and falling like a tide With every fad, style and craze.

Living in a world Only parallel when absolutely necessary I eat when I’m hungry Sleep when I’m tired Day, night; which ever Weeks, months, years… sure Life is too preciously short To be measured in units My life does not wait.

On the Verge of Change




  Is it wrong To long For days gone by? To want to try To start anew Away from those Who still love you? Why do I feel this way? What makes me Want to stray? I want nothing more Than for everyone to be happy Sorry to sound sappy But I just want out the door. I have nothing more to give I just want to live And be me Be free From judgment. This is my lament.

Paranoid Fork in the Road

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  This cruel joke We call our life Where I see two alternatives And I half-want both The rst Imaginary Where nothing really is As it seems I am in control And anything is possible But the other Is oblivion Living my life As someone else. Will I ever know Who I really am Or where I belong? Someone Somewhere Is getting a kick out of this I just know it.

Foundation for the Wall around My Heart   Safe in my seclusion Secure in my slumber Interaction is a chore With the misery in my home Better alone than in bad company – My old motto has made me a loner Withdrawn – My family, my core Of social relation Is inept, incapable of conversation Reluctant to be affectionate Their divisive borders Tear at my loyalty For I can’t truly be “with” one If I am for the other. My own family Their own family What the hell? All of my life I’ve been in a shell, Now is the time for me to rise up Move outward, onward And preferably never to look back But I can only surface And come around like a timid animal When I need something

For the most part they have nothing to offer The guard in the kitchen who grills me with scorn Will get no good mourning from me.   How can one live With nothing pleasant in their nature? Just bile that causes ulcers For everyone in their midst

I like Fluoride

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I like uoride Keeps me dumb Chlorine too Leaves you dehydrated A sh on dry land

I don't want a wife and kids A normal life and a steady job A non-linear pattern Unpredictable as a pinball Art is my blender Where the ugly can be Destroyed Rearranged Jazz chaos Takes me apart at the soul The spiral bound Holds it together Does it matter What I see?

7 am The alarm clock screams Forcing me from slumber Apprehensively I answer the call And you vanish like a shadow Of wisps of smoke Your presence is a mirage Of love’s warm breeze, Soft embrace And tender kisses. Like a wishful illusion That vanishes at 7 sharp Replacing your silky sounds With a shrill cry The sexy sun shine’s Luxuriant heat Turns to a chill clammy caress Your body becomes my pillow And our refreshing kisses Become a facedown mouthful of sand. I hate you 7 am.

Economic Warfare

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A paper war of cash, cheques And casualties time has forgotten, bloodless corpses Hollowed-out edi ces, Houses of corporate capitalisms Entities not human, Frankensteins of a legal system Not accountable for their abuses, not apologetic Just pro t machines, monsters to serve their masters Propelled by the sweat of paid slavery, Voluntarily submitted With no other choice but to obey, threatened with poverty The plantation allows us to go home Where the media coerces to spend A circular cycle of fear, entrapment, labour, grati cation Worse than dead, dead broke Without a hope of satisfying desires An illusion of success, an enigmatic ladder, stairway To heaven? Or an elevator to the top oor For some impossible to get on, For some impossible to get off From the rundown slum, the suburbs Or the penthouse with a view All just cogs on the gears of this battle that never ends.

Art is Born

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I am no genius Nor will I claim such But I will say this much That a mind is a terrible thing To waste. Repression is waste. The mind is a tool Shiny, sharp. Dulled en masse By propaganda Fed us by the system. Refuse the meal Excuse yourself From the table. Purge the lth. Knowledge cannot be taxed, Gross your share, Net the world. The textbook is a start Not an ending point. Art is born. Can you see Outside your box? For ‘tis true The world is at: With six sides and bars If you cannot see

Beyond your nose And smell the dung Disguised as gold. Where does an ellipse t With a world of cubes?

Alley Cats

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Mid Night Crawlers Unaware That it is dark Unsure If alive or dead In morning twilight They dance the razorblade tango Whirling recklessly At the edge of life. Awake since forever Spirit spurred on With caffeine and nicotine. Two things I obsessively read: License plates and graf ti No matter how obscure or obscene.

Hipsters  

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Hang out at coffee bars Wear stylish clothes Intelligent Expressive Unique Independent Striving to t it Searching to belong Trying to embrace life Learning all we can To improve upon our pasts To succeed our parents And to leave our marks on the world. Adolescence has passed Now we are adults Thrust into their world The mess they've created And left for our inheritance. We have but a short time ourselves To pick up where they left off And to carry the torch with pride For before long, we will pass as well To be succeeded ourselves By the next newest ones So let us feel proud We are the best and brightest And there is no time like the present. We are the hipsters, and this is our time.

Hedonist Sloth   Sated by smoke Higher and higher A ravenous hunger Feeding on desires The next good times Are seldom far from The top thing on our minds

Ragamuf n  

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The best time of day Is 1:30 am Wide awake While everyone sleeps A serenity you will not nd Anywhere else My mind and body are one When I intoxicate I purge my soul With cleansing de lements 6 little shots Snuck ‘em at work Got in touch with nature Winked to the goddess

And she winked back I go to kiss her She runs away I enjoy the chase She leads me on Availed myself Of two beers from the fridge Expanded my mind Got in touch with myself I feel free Everything ts If only for this long But alas it is late And in the morn I must manipulate

  Blank

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Ritual A game A quest for supremacy A link between Corporeal and ethereal A common carnal hunger To compete and defeat Playing with nothing Civilized creations To vent the animal Frustration Rivalry

Greedy desire Creativity from hatred Luck and skill Attempting satisfaction Glorious sin saturation A feeling of drowning

I Care  

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My soul yearns To be with you Yet you seem confused And my heart bleeds To see you in pain While I can only watch You fall apart over me. I hope this can be xed That you and I Can both be happy Among this confusion That is you and I. Between us both Is more complication Than we can probably manage Yet still I want to try. Without risk Comes no reward. Just once I’d like to feel that I’d won, Taken the chance

And the coin landed In my  favour. I want to help you For nothing of my own. My problem is I care And that has fallen On deaf ears before. Too good to be true Love and affection Is usually fear and rejection. The world looked nice Through your brand Of rose coloured glasses But all good things come to an end. Just for you I wish it weren’t true.

Our meeting was hardly a coincidence A painless collision of souls Two opposite orbits Parallel to one another We continue to accelerate together. Two electrons about the nucleus of our love To form a whole that is our life That will contain all we will become together

Love and Masturbation In acting I feel stupid In wanting I feel ashamed Love without Must mirror The love within The digress Of modern evolution Hopeless despondence Or suppressed self will Would suggest We guard our own treasures The answers we seek I get disturbed By myself sometimes In a good way

The Girl Who Ate Ants

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  A vacuum life Air-tight and freshness sealed Sterile existence sheltered from the world To avoid the pain and dampen the fear The uncomfortably numb Feeling nothing Neither joy nor pain Shielded from life But a hollow ache Sends echoes of my own heart Alone in the universe Has not the effect I hoped for Since I've hidden so well And abandoned so completely Now I feel nothing at all Save for a lonely pain That troubles me day and night A fearful shadow lurks Where my re ection once stood Terri ed to get on with my life So I try to live out everyone else's Entering their minds to better grasp my own Always falling in an out of love with something Or someone, but nothing ever last so I cower To prevent further damage But I can't not care anymore Because it's eating me alive

Turning My Gaze A look in her eyes A magical sparkle With the power to transform my life From my constant wondering Wandering mind And for the instant That we share a gaze You and I are the only two people on earth It is only us that matter The pain of existence melts The clouds lift And the shadows fade away And leave us At the centre of the universe For in that brief moment We transcend beyond all Grief or sorrow There is no past What is passed is irrelevant The present glitters with stardust And the future can only be better

A Common Thread

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Unraveling the mysteries of my heart And nding you An attraction beyond What this body can express. I need to be with you If not here or now Then another time, Another life. Something so strong – Not merely our invention – Will continue on Long after we are gone. To resist this love Would be in vain. To interrupt or interfere Could cause a loss Of more than I can comprehend.

A Soliloquy

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For so many nights I have sought to nd Something that I couldn’t describe. Never knowing what Or who or how, Only feeling a desire’s ful llment In the looming distance beckoning – Whispering mysteriously, faintly Amidst so much music, reveling And false pretenses. As our time’s ceaseless meandering Drags me along my journey I begrudgingly admit That I have never and will not ever Know enough to satisfy The longings of my heart. Yet nally I have realized The time and frustration Spent in a futile search for satisfaction Where none existed Is all a part of a chapter That has seen its conclusion. A new story lies ahead One with a happy ending for me. The heavenly voice That has drawn me for so long Originates within the heart

Of someone special And the truth to the secret Was, is and will have been her all along.

Departing Introduction

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Saying goodbye Under a dark gray sky Getting over my last ‘neath a night overcast I’m coming awake Like a snake In the night The cleft on my chin Is the sign: In nite My eyes will see Right through you Expose you for what you are Don’t try to fool me I’m brighter than that – by far But what I want Is never a ght I’m doing what I can To make this life right I would assume You are doing the same So may I begin By telling you my name

Coma   Inside out Simultaneously without within Within without Dimensions are only parameters How about a freak out? We are analogue creatures With in nite choice And minute grasp

Samhain Summer

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The god’s last huff His candle ickers Just light and life enough Death nearing, snickers Enjoying the growths, the full-bodied season Ful lling of oaths and the results of reason Death’s icy cold claws Caress the wind rst

The Darkness Within   I feel unwanted No real connection To anyone It’s all imaginary Good and bad Meant to teach me A lesson. Does anyone love me? Are they really there? I’m afraid to know Whether my life is real Or just someone else’s Hallucination A bad dream Forgotten The instant they awaken. Who are they? Is it me? Will they rise From slumber And pull my plug? I don’t want to live anymore But I don’t want to die I’m afraid Of both. So many paths A life can take

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Unless I can know None will satisfy me. Am I a genius? Or am I just insane? I want to run Erase the life I’ve lived Start new Somewhere else But somehow I can’t I need help But there’s no one Real To turn to I feel more alone Than I ever thought possible Who would miss me If I ceased to be? I’m just part of the scenery One less Meaningless Forgotten While I’m still here. I’m surprised To see a re ection In the mirror. Real happiness An illusion Merely a dream While we rot Serving our sentence Here

Time




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Beyond our control, we are slaves to it The clock's merciless ticking forces us forward I am nothing more than myself As I lack the ability to move To avoid being hit by the second hand We spiral clockwise unidirectionally Ever forward in a linear fashion Downward toward eventual completion Destruction and Reconstruction Of all the material universe A restructuring of the cosmos To another epoch Where an in nite new possibility awaits Using recycled essence We are God's chalkboard Time is the relative speed The chalk is erased As time slows, I slow with it

Blood Rose A son named Halal The deception Of perception Pining for An imaginary Love Neurotic transference Of desire Projected to one Other than the true

Forgotten Son Oh father, who art God knows where: I learned at a young age To forget you as you forgot me. Though I have forgotten, I have not forgiven Because a role so large does not away No matter how far you run, or how many times you lie. I have had to forget you and all those who took your place This is my curse that I pass onto you. May my forgetting you be as painful to you as it has to me. Since I missed out on a cowardly half-man You lost a beautiful healthy son Whose life some cry to be a part of But he rejects for the pain that you have created Since it was your absence that brought me to my surrogate Who, in his insecurity tried to make me remember Only I couldn’t face the fact that you didn’t want me And now I look back on the confusion that has been my life You started it all, by doing absolutely nothing. Imagine such a crime. My question is, As I grasp for what is real: Will I be twice the man my father was? Or is his fear to be passed on through me? These doubts I must erase, Just like I have a thousand other emotions In search of my happy place, where nothing hurts me. I am not a bastard, my ancestors are not the ghosts of misery.

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My mother is not just the shadow of whom I once knew, Thanks to you. My memory fails me, and delusion takes its place But you will never be anything to me but half of what I am. Forgetting fails. I fear I will never know fully who I am Because no matter how I repress the pain, it never leaves – The void left behind will likely never be lled, but I will try. And as for you and me, let me propose a toast: May you live long and carefree And enjoy your rst drink with your forgotten son After he drinks it for you And pisses it on your grave.

The World Is a leftover Collection of peoples

Convergence Chamber An orgasm of thought Culmination of being, consciousness Encircled Savage sex rituals Biblical Madmen

Dog Chasing Tail   Everything is devoid Happiness is relative Never real Lasting Or complete We are plagued With questions With no answers Programmed failure For punishment Or amusement Life is pain When we die Does it get better Or worse?

I want to pass out And awaken Someone new This life Is not to my satisfaction This is my distress call To no one For it is only me here No one else I'm all that matters But my stock is falling too Kill me please And resurrect me As someone happy This life sucks I hate Everything The only thing That keeps me real Is

Mantra



I am Ancient I am from another time Another place Here to learn, to see, to love To retrace the steps of the past And summon the knowledge of the old ones

UNLEASH The War in Heaven Monsters Among Us ARMAGEDDON Hell On Earth

Dynamic Static The cosmos In a child’s art An alien song In the cry Of a warbling baby The entanglement of death The rats of decay Ever just one step behind Out of fear That stinks the air Afoul We avoid What we dislike And turn the other cheek Like the story says We needn’t assail When words convey completely

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Exerting in uence Mystically Psychically A catalyst for thought Choice Change The essence Very existence Of human Since without this We are mere ignoble creatures Craving Seeking Satisfying Multiplying Like the God of the bible wished But in that state We are bipedal primates Lacking nesse Seeking to destroy An eternal magic Given to a withering plant Dynamism confounding the static

Purgatory

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  A world Obsessed with death With pain Suffering Accepted Embraced In icted selfward, Upon those we love Why? We are doomed From birth We begin to die A short life Tragic Surreal Is this real life? Or merely a mind prison? Have we committed some wrong? Another time Another existence One we can't recall Born to forget What we've done And who we are So in this life We plague ourselves To feel real

We cut ourselves To watch the blood fall To remind us Of a real time When life meant something But this is not life It shares some elements But things have been removed For our punishment A soon-ending nightmare In which we have no control. There is nothing lucid here In Purgatory. We are bound We have no way out But death.

Artistic License I can’t be a member Of a society so entrenched In deception and exploitation And I refuse to accept A family so saturated With deliberate ignorance and despair. My heart bleeds The blood they gave me Yet their presence is a poison I cannot bear The soulless vacuum Of my last name. Dissociation is the only way My mind knows how to cope Since my burdens are not of my own creation But hereditary. Throughout my life I have been made to feel responsible For others’ mistakes And never accepting Has become part of who I am Along with a burning passion For seeing justice come to a wrong A learned causality Complemented by a realism That I must forgive And allow the universe to continue around me

Without developing a futility ulcer From another’s troubles Beyond my control. So I resign myself And seek less impossible solutions Than dead-end hopelessness And blind faith, forfeiting Of life to transparent fears.

Shadows: Illuminate the Darkness Speak to me Allow me to behold Enlighten me to the secrets And the depths within Grant me this insight In my life, my mind And my dreams. Pierce the darkness The shadowy beyond Dwelling within us Yet just beyond our reach. Teach me to control, To learn and to harness The power The force within us all.

A Suicide Note –

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The nicest, most honest Heartfelt and soulful Words one could ever conjure Only to be followed by silence And pain for the departed soul So entombed by its torment That the reset button can x.

1000 Ways to Break a Bottle

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The glass Perrier bottle in my hands Cold and sweaty, condensation From the humid stinkin’ air A chance encounter, an old acquaintance I begin to wonder what I’ve done with myself Slaying defunct deities Enduring the poisonous posthumous wrath The bottle slips from my hand By the side of the road The green glass vessel of opportunity Time slows to show me 1000 ways to break a bottle From countless angles I step forward into traf c To join the shattered The hood absorbs my knees But the windshield is The last thing I see And I am immediately sorry I’ve ruined someone else’s day



High On Death

Metametaphor

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Who I was Who I thought I was not Living inside of me for so long Latent, waiting A sleeper My unwanted guest Always watching, studying But unable to control my mind So miserable it made me In exchange for my lack of obedience To in uence and subtly manipulate – The virus inside my mind Driving me against those who love me     So I killed my self, And I’ve never felt better

Macabre Fandango

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The world jilts: Me ghting to regain Composure, bearing. Life is a dance – A macabre fandango – From fragment to fragment, No walk down the garden. The more I learn, The more I see And less makes sense. The more variables exist The more jaded my perspective becomes And I nd myself alone in my cell Free to leave but bound to stay, Shivering through love’s winter With pieces of a residual past Unsure of what degree of truth. A future uncertain Forging a path of my own, on my own And the present plagues of mind Coping, seeking, searching For a life with love and truth. So little makes sense But I wouldn’t trust it if it did So where do I go? I torment myself with my own company Yearning for the right tool To carve out my niche.

Follow the white cat

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Everything is so fuckin' clear I can see right through it ALL Afraid of our own shadows Because we're terri ed of the re ection We see If one exists, a meaningful self-portrait? Or does our likeness appear less appealing A shadow portal within, Unraveling chasms of unknown Blurring our visions with confusion Astrally here and there Not sure of either aether An unwilling receptor of foreign information Worthless due to lack of comprehension. Dispossessed spirits - in and around us all The ipside of the basis of our existence Troublesome messages I'm cursed to deliver Codes to decipher, complex keys to crack Dreaming dreams so real there seems no bounds Between this and that, a human condition: The power to believe, the capacity for faith Potential for hope, ability to change With arti cial knowledge and skillful will Conduit of the common spirit: Life

Hedonist Sloth, part 2

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After a week of binging Falling Failing to cope I see hope I have the power to change Myself and the world I hit my new bottom In the search for new parameters Establishing reality An archetype that works If only for me Sometimes I just need to ake And it feels good to surface again And see that my life Only appears in wreckage To my own mind But it’s not really so bad If only I can isolate The key ingredients To a happy life Pissing away a week Here and there Is worth it To prove my own strength The will to pull out I do know what’s best Because no one wants the right answer Just their answer

Dreams of Darkness Dreams of Darkness, a perpetual night Eradicating mystery of fearful fright Mausoleum-fresh ardor, humid and stale A gas lamp glow; haunting, sickly and pale An electric buzz, vibrations improperly silent The fabric of time stained, unresolved and violent Mossy putrid undersmell of fauna, a cemetery lawn The reversal of night as she bequeaths the dawn.

Perception’s Plane

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Deep and dark Within the realm of uncertainty Lies a beyond Defying explanation Seeking to consume Waking up gasping Terri ed to sleep For it is lurking A place that is shared with no one The ability to be another An alternate identity In a different place and time To awaken reeling Cut wrists bandaged But no visible wounds Tearing at the insides Devouring the soul of what once was The decay internal Approaching a rebirth? The mystery unravels itself Revealing the endless depths Peering over the edge A vertigo sweeps through Churning the contents Confusing perception’s plane The abyss is calling Drawing toward it Reservations and conditioned emotions

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Beckoning to become real To become alive By succumbing to death To be left behind So as to advance It is a sickening fear Feeling helpless and alone While the memories haunt Like ghosts from the past Clinging dead feasting on the living Old leeching the life of the young Mentally molesting to infect The ravaging disease of heredity Spirits seeking to remain Flailing to attain To a life that is real While living in a nightmare A self-in icted prison So severe and complete Vomiting joy and satisfaction Plaguing its host Boring wormholes in a mind Venting the sewers of subconscious The noxious release Flatulence from the nether Torments remotely from beyond Escaping any meaning Distorting what is to what is not And becoming the very bres of existence.

Evolved Despair

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I need to nd solace A place to turn for peace I know not of this place Writing is my only release The sun shines down Through a clear blue sky And I’m stuck inside Trapped within, wondering why I hate to go on like this Living life in a shadow Something is de nitely amiss My life is an empty shell I know there’s better out there And for meaning I seek to nd My sole purpose in life now Not to lose my mind Guilty dreams Secret desires Sometimes seem To burn us with our re Arouse us to action Tell us what is missing In the pursuit of satisfaction They are fruitless wishing

Soundless Vibration

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Gnawing at my skull Penetrating me and the world around me A blinding white light Engul ng particles of matter Passing through the gaps Of electromagnetic orbit A dizzying headlong dive Into the exploding spiral universe A glimpse of what God must see When He gazes upon our little orb(it). One of countless wonders In a house not merely a home But an enchanted museum The collection of a traveler of time And space Hidden away in this bewitched closet Safe from the world, invisible to its eyes Lay secrets defying description – Mysteries with no resolution.

Frigid A blockage of the heart chakra Disallowing love in or out Leaves the soul starving In an emaciated state Lacking affection, repulsed by dependence, A rebellion against convention To an antithetical extreme Becomes despondent disconnection – Interest without interaction Agoraphobic unease Discomfort from contamination and pollution My contribution added to the existing mire. Disavowed from feeling, unable to relate Inner division and confusion Creates distance between self and reality. A painful rift separates me from others Paradoxically cause and effect Of the lonesome frigidity And incompleteness of a soul.

Headache I have no idea What’s goin’ on It seems I’m a new person Everyday. I hate my life I hate feeling like that. This has been going on For as long as I can recall I must master My demons Before I can create Something good. Should I wake up? Or learn How to lucid dream? Would I ever wake up? Why can’t I just be me? Who is that? Is it enough? Why won’t this headache Just go away?

Fleeting

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I wish I knew you I wish you loved me Two snow akes in the breeze Collide and combine to form one At random Two lives forever altered Yet never to be recalled The chance meeting of souls So brief, eeting Dismissed as meaningless But such a simple beauty Is the encountering of the eyes – A psychic handshake So soon to be forgotten Among the nest of my memories Ones that are never rehearsed Never to be repeated As if they never happened The time is so elusive I seem to miss every cue Life passes by me And I’m distracted by the view.

Bug

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  An anomaly of our system A temporary illusion of our Fear Here to remind what appears to be. Perhaps a traveler manifest, A glimmer of who they really are Like us Just beings of a sort, Of what type is our job to nd out. A being who can hack our mind and scramble what is, What should be is obscured from view.

Equally Disoriented Trapped in a solitary bubble Surrounded by people that I don’t know So much potential That I’m afraid to use I am afraid of failing Afraid of feeling Secluded within myself Still reeling from past hurt and confusion My life is my own now And I’m trying to forget who I was And where I’m from To begin my new life But the past is who I am When will I realize That we are doomed to become What we hate the most? I long for the day When I am at home Within myself Wherever I may be So I can stop running And just live. Right now I am alone In the universe And equally disoriented Anywhere I go

Coming Apart at the Seams Frothing at the lips Seething through my teeth I haven’t felt like throttling anyone In a very long time Fortunate for them I’m a gentleman Whose restraint muscle Has been well exercised Yet my trust instinct Has been whittled down to a bloody nub Every time I come out of hiding People tend to wipe their ass on my dreams Unless there’s a way they can exploit them This whole thing is a mess My seams are far from seaworthy Safe in my solitude I enjoy venturing out Of my shell less and less Like the dead leaves fall, Land and decompose So the little hopes of my heart Flake off and evaporate Before my eyes To be forgotten by everyone Especially me And a familiar chill Settles into my heart.

Petty Is The Love

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This is my place Within myself Where I disconnect from myself From what is real A oating numbness in my toes Where I can hide From the torturous ngers So deep in my heart And dearly betrayed The pain in icted By a caregiver whose trust Ignorantly repeating history To create, program and trigger A sleeping monster within Their victim By turning the sadistic screws A history of merciless violence Boiling emotions to a breaking point Some fucks like to hear you scream Others grill you on trial A situation they create To watch you squirm, tighten Make you cry To sate their vulnerable hunger One generation to the next Meant to worship and entertain Money the only love they know

And spend for their own pleasure As future leverage of guilt We owe for nothing, especially our heritage I refuse to let them see me succumb and cry I will not continue what they started (Now read upward) Petty is the love, But guilt is the game these children love to play.

My parents are dead. I killed them In my mind. They left it all to me Their house Their debt Their memories to haunt the walls A history they couldn't bury. But all it added up to in the end Was the ability to make friends With perfect strangers And disown completely Those closest to me.

A padded life

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In a bubble Where little is sacred And meaning is relative. Shrouded in delusion Like nothing was real Skimming the surface of reality Without ever weighing down To commitment or attachment Safely secluded in my marshmallow cell. Lonesome and lost in my quest For identity and purpose Running away within myself A pathetic super ciality That I want to escape from But I see fear Re ected in the eyes Of those that I see – A magnifying mirror That sounds the depth of my abyss. For me, nothing really is But I’m groping blindly To make something permanent

~~ I have this power It has been suppressed I must free it Unleash the powers that I have Make me powerful again Make me a god I can do anything No one can stop me   A hypnotist Mind control Maybe I am the monster That thirsts for minds I must conquer, Too good to be ruled. Maybe I’ve released a monster Maybe those people were The guardians of good, And now I’ve escaped. Either way, I obviously outsmarted them So I will prevail Right or wrong.

Scenes of T- City

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This guy looks like he’s gonna hang himself With his retail boutique tie, or jump out His yuppie of ce window or something. Success is such an illusion, everything in the material World seems so FAKE when you really analyze it. Handcream-smeared window and a big box store view – My wanderlust consumes me and I need to get away, From the familiar mediocrity – I call my clients and tell them to go easy on their stuff. I choose the train – yeah it’s slow – but I enjoy Having to wait for some things, plus there are no customs So I can make some cash while I’m away And set up new business. I was living a gangster dream: Everywhere I went “respectable” people handed me their Money for the demand on their vices. My professionalism and tight-lipped con dentiality Policies earned me The respect and debt of people who had secret lives They couldn’t afford to reveal. So I facilitated their escape, With drugs and other services they could not be seen Procuring. I loved the secrecy and cloak-and-dagger of Walking the razor’s edge between the fryer and the re,

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Dealing with the dangerous characters And with neutral services skimming over their con icts. I was only in business for myself, Nothing else mattered but the void within me.

Dark Prince

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Night: a re ection of the darkness within A re ection of self Projected unto others As a sounding board of reality Determining one’s coordinates By the reaction of others. Social = attempt to conform And contort into society’s box Of precise metaphysical parameters = Normal Likely too repressive For one to stay sane While squeezing into generic MEDIOCRITY Yet another of the mass Sea of amorphous energies Consistent and united In uctuating self-con ict.

Horns and Pitchfork Still sold on that shit? What are we, medieval? He's gotta be holding missiles by now! And that goes for both sides. Anti-War What happened to the "pen is mightier than the sword?" I doubt the pen was intended to wield the sword.

The Sword The Dragon The Light The Fire The Battle The Judgement The Execution The Consequence

Beautiful Battle eld Where the gods come to play



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Sandbox

Self Loathing   Without pain We cannot appreciate Pleasure No one can hurt me I do it myself Within

I am a total fraud




  I can’t make art So I capture it with a camera I can’t play music So I play the recordings of others I can’t live the life I want So I make up stories to amuse and distract

Origami Heart

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Folded within myself I am dead to the world Shriveled and decaying An empty shell of vacuous hollow I have become A living death Is the life I live A glimmer of hope Or sparkle of love Amidst an endless galaxy of dark I am lost on my own planet Alone for lightyears in any direction The faint trickle of hope The hardly perceptible love Escapes me and I am alone My heart refuses to beat Expelling any lifeblood, Any possibility of a dream What I think I want I think does exist Naught but in my own mind And I will never nd What I’m seeking Because it is an illusion I create And I wander alone Hoping for some distant star To one day actually be real

I hate this place.




  My lungs ache Filled with the stench Of corruption Everything is decaying This place The prison we know Addictions Improvements Forbidden For fear of our escaping They fear the unknown I want to know what they fear The nicotine Of this being Is causing cancer Of my self

I am a slouch, lazy person I must have been worked to death In a past life To be given this disposition. Conserve energy Reserve judgements. I can't do anything Unless it's BIG Superlative

Almost a Thief   The temptation to take For my satisfaction The pleasure to steal And commit a wrong action That isn’t me now I’ve fought it somehow My moral tires not without traction Venom in my blood Fear of being caught Disappointment to my soul Being something that I’m not I must confess That I may transgress

But I’ll never do wrong For things continue to long

The Depressed Women

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A veil of sadness The shroud of depression An overbearance of soul. My eyes penetrate and perceive Where theirs sometimes cannot. This recurrence of af iction Bound to be my direction in life? The presumed dystopia I am without understanding Yet always I seek And without fail I nd Something ever deeper than myself. Just out of reach and far beyond my power I am not the one to save, Only to see.

Death The Stockholm syndrome love for my grim reaper A fetish for death Grotesque Assuming the cloak of destruction The end of a beginning To the beginning of the end The earthworm Who transforms death And cultivates life. It is not murder – Simply reincarnation Acceleration ONE blessed day We’ll depart from this sewer. Life is pain, Death is hope, Change. The mystery Of a future unknown Beckons As the seconds tick by. I am in no hurry But if it comes today I am waiting eagerly For it can only happen once.

Love and Gambling

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With every love Comes a gamble A roll of hearts Lucky number 7 Usually brings heartache. Snake eyes Sleepless nights Yearning for someone Something That can free the gambler From the luck That keeps the dice forever rolling. Fortune Would bring balance – A right for wrongs, An ace for a ush, True love to misery. A condemnation To those without it, An addiction For those with it. Luck and Love, Elusive Yet irresistible.

Oblivion All I want to do is sleep today It’s rainy and miserable – Even my fallacies are pathetic. Dreaming is an escape A more colourful life A glimpse of another world Inside my head That seems to make sense. I would love to stay in it

Kink Her black leather Thigh high boots Black lace panties Conceal a wiggle I want Her bondage My fetish An impossible desire Without a satisfaction The endless chase Of conceded defeat Rejection is my paddling A look-but-don’t-touch

Forever wanting, yearning, desiring While she runs away An elusive excitement Chasing the impossible Bound and fettered Tied and gagged Representations of wanting but not having

Amidst Approaching Evil

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The winter is evil I hear it in its wind A constant respect Of the unknown Spirits lurking Far or near Objects rustling Force unseen Strange sounds Emanating from beyond. The insuf cient time Our sunlight can provide Forces us to wander about Through the too familiar night. The beautiful stare of the sun So foreign to a heart so grim.

Soul Vampire

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Oh, the savory sanguine saltiness Trickling from the canines Down a throat parched arid From the thrill of the hunt. The adrenaline from the chase, From the inevitable struggle To the ultimate victory: Freeing a soul from its captivity To return to pure energy; The blood is merely an acquired taste. Fight or ight The human will to live, Innate to their very marrow – I can testify – A spontaneous narcotic explosion Of life No matter how close death is. Life in its boiled down extract What I need to live, I am death’s servant, She is my mistress. Where she is My appetite is never unsatis ed, I have my ll and I do her bidding. I am unstoppable Because of my lover – But I am also cursed For she will never come for me,

The tortured beauty Beneath the hood and sickle. For this I am damned To love what I should loathe And to commit the horrendous Over and over The most jaded perversion Of the human soul Feeding from itself An endless repetition An eternity in one lecherous form While my prey succeeds me, Propelled into an optimistic future Revolted by me: The balance of bad karma, Evil’s scalpel to bring about good. A martyr – of sorts. I revel in my moment, For it is all that I’ve got.

Visions of the Past   I am dark A troubled spirit Forced into submission In a penal existence For my past thirst For what is wrong This human life Which I now lead Has been a blank page For I have done nothing Of my true initiative I have no conscience But have been taught guilt An emotion They have used to repress me. Now my mind is growing stronger As I grow I will begin to remember And regain what has been taken.

Why do we fear the dark?

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Shadows like those within Forcing us to rely on the light Radiating from our soul. For some is a consuming absence Others blinded by the ash Left to grope at shifting shadows Still those whose pupils may dilate Become accustomed to the gloom Greet the inner demons Personi ed as monsters Hairy and scary within us all To develop an equilibrium With the less pleasant Manifestations of ourself

Drowning Pool   A dark vortex Created by countless deaths Of pure life, ended One spot for feeding For creatures that hunger For such things. When the supply Is cut off – An appetite left Unsatis ed Will nd other sources To feed off of.

Lucky Bamboo

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Stick a pin in this balloon Shatter convention

A Life Meant to be Lived

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Life, death, rebirth A catharsis by re The soul undergoes. Suffering and pain, Satisfaction and enlightenment. Extremes of love and hate So innately human Can confuse the mind And break the heart and soul To a point of no return. But to suffer is to live, To die is an end escape One dooms upon themselves For one life. To devote a life To multiplying A sentence. To abstain Would truly be to kill And immortalize ME. An alpha and omega A spectacular burst My life For what its worth Is meant to be lived Through torture or ecstasy Wherever the wind shall blow.

Ascent of Dissent

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I feel like a criminal An outcast, incorrigible For my misanthropism And my refusal to comply With the re within That burns to destroy and create And the struggle to resist What I know to be wrong So I live my life With freedom of mind If not of action And begrudgingly submit To a world of false ideals With a hope of a master plan That is yet to unfold

All That Is

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The breeze of a helicopter Eyes mirroring sadness My thoughts a urry Of synaptic meltdown To isolate a thought And enjoy the now For a half-second longer In a state of chaos We are but mere receptors Struggling to nd a meaning Of it all The bigger the All becomes The more laborious the process And the less makes sense – A lack of equating Between perceived and real. What we are Is the sum of our reactions Our life a vector sum Of the direction and forces That collectively comprises All that is.

Cockroach King Between the drugs and the booze I have abused myself into disbelief Of who and what I am And confused what I’m to become I am but a lowly cockroach Scurrying about, scuttling it all For delusions of being a king

Wits End I’m deluded I couldn’t know less About the direction up. I had to check my watch To know the date. My life is a blur A dream is what I ponder I need to get help But I don’t even know What to tell them is wrong What is real? I’m in my own world And it’s very lonely here. A parallel dimension That seems to be But is not quite the same. I talk to whoever listens, Usually it’s just me. But if I can create Whatever I want Why can’t I make something Better than this? There has to be a way To unlock the power within To transform my life Into a dream That’s not worth

Waking up from.   Use the delusion I am my world. Let’s make it good.

Lines of Code

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Hypnagogic bacteria of light, Cells as viewed through microscopy Streaking across the blue sky My view nder of life sees the virtual image Meant to be displayed And the sometimes linear Ascending and descending Of the numbers Interpreted by the brain as real Hop across my vision, Floating this way and that – Semi-methodically A pipe dream Of the numerical foundation Of our world

A Monster   A wolf in sheepskin Hunts, Tracking pursuit Following a bloody trail Prints of a paw, a claw Of ve To connect the guilt With the mind Responsible

If I am damned

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Then let me be damned Do not mistake fear for reality

Home A Maharaja’s temple in my closet, A briefcase or a secret gesticulate An enchanted doorway To my astral home. A place on another plane Of regal proportions A safe haven for my self And my acquisitions For no one knows its whereabouts Unless I allow the door to be found

20

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It’s time to stop dreaming A new decade awaits In a snap It will end like the last Forgotten and past I feel on my own now I have been since 18 Abandoned without separation Now I nd it hard To draw strength from within While bitterness surrounds me Draining the love and magic From life I am by nature loving and caring But both are strained Forced out In an attempt to better The energy I exude Up until now I have feared to embrace life And become saddened and frustrated Out of dissatisfaction Wondering why I had nothing to live for To this day I am plagued But now I know What I must do

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The fear must go away By my refusal To let it consume me any longer The world cannot hurt Nearly as much as I do myself And I am capable of meeting it head on Since so many before me lesser than i Have and did survive But the next step to success Is not being afraid To come out of the shadows And live this miserable life For all it’s worth There is nothing that can take that right There is nothing that can give it, either We all have freedom Whether or not we use it It’s our CHOICE We have the power to decide But we need to be aware So we know when decisions are to be made And NOW is the time I have decided to live and be free Someday will come so soon There is no time to waste My life is MINE to live And time is mine to spend as I see t To enjoy The present is so eeting It’s lunacy to throw it away On fear-inspired stupidity I regret treading water so long But I will use that to clear the table now

And change it in the future Regret is a fear of what’s already passed And therefore a worthless endeavour

An Inner Debate of Destiny Lost – without direction Frustrated and ineffectual In a realm by myself With no one to relate to Or rely upon I feel alone and empty A gnawing hunger I fear is beyond satiety. Deluded by emotions Incongruent with the outside Involuntary monasticism While hoping for eventual completion – An accomplishment of purpose, Contentment from achievement Of a higher state where All is as it should be

I am a poet An artist in the street Standing painting symbols Which tell me who I am I lean against a tall tree And feel its loneliness – I may be eccentric But there are too few of those left I feel the spirit and life And I need to explain it So please, stay right there I may appear different And I may not shave To the things I see around me I refuse to be enslaved I think that we all Need to open our eyes. Local poet found dead Tripped crossing the road Notebook clutched tight like He was about to explode The damage from the collision Will lead to new revisions Great monumental changes are near We really have nothing to fear When we wake up from this We can get the hell outta here.

Content Being Miserable

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Exceptionally mediocre Is what I’ve become – Painfully neutral – So terri ed of any extreme, Going out on any limb For fear of hanging – This precarious apprehension I feel Like what is to come Will be great or terrible But my inability to become What I could be Leaves me frustrated and foiled Stuck in the gray, Concentrated nothing And I am oddly satis ed. I’m giving myself permission To not be great. For once I don’t have to try To prove I’m something I’m not A loss of internally unreasonable standards. For once I feel strangely at peace.

Blue Gray Fainting daintily Through the air Seducing the senses As you rise Caressing the currents And then you disappear. You are still there Beyond sight but not reason.




A Thousand Lifetimes

Renaissance Living a life only to die Yet only dying but to live Saved from a self-retraction Enabled for the exchange of affection An inner rebirth of the soul A revolution of love to overthrow The solemn grayscale skies That once lled the future horizon And dimmed any spark of hope. With a desire to live and a passion to change Sharpened by purpose, propelled by destiny.

The earth sucks me into her womb

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I can feel the motor running From the molten core  To the weird electric atmosphere. We are what we are because we are here, We are here because of what we are.

The First to Awaken

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Imagine waking up Being the rst In a strange place, Not knowing where you are Or where you’re from Most of all - why you’re here   Creation myth turned on its ear Great story but omits one huge Critical detail It ALL resets   There would be those who would cling to any remnant of the past, Those who would erase the mistakes And start anew Both have valid arguments Source of the new world con ict

Nine Lives Everyday a new day Every second a new life Less than a drop in a sea We live for every moment we can. Tomorrow we are someone else Another life, another day. This life is but a toenail Of the journey we face, A destiny we creep Nearer to each day. The end of one The beginning of another.

Every Moment Lived

























What if every moment lived Meant the rest of your life If every breath Was a life-changing event If every dream had already come true And every prayer Were bequeathed upon you And if all these were true

Adulthood: Day One   I’m the star Of this movie That is my life I’m Neo Waiting for the ground To pull away. This is my crossroad Where I choose How the rest of my life Will unfold. I want to unleash All of my potential And nally become Who I’ve always seen Myself as.

Quit  

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Everybody stop! Quit themselves. Who are they? Do they know, or do they think And pretend.

Stop pretending. Be miserable, but at least Be free from an image, A standard. Shove it! 1 can’t live another’s life And stay balanced in their person They become someone else. If you knew this, would you choose TO BE CRAZY? Or to be misled, coerced into belief

Self Education I don’t know where to start I suppose that’s as good a place as any A detective bloodhounding for answers With only residual sniffs to follow A move toward the spiritual But not in the traditional sense The cholesterol of this capitalism Is clogging the arteries of my soul Possessions are deities Means are religion What has become of mysticism? Where is the esoteric? In an age of anything goes Why not seek what was heresy before?

Sunshine through the Rain

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I think I’m going To be ne after all. Despite all the problems, The obstacles we all face I think I can overcome them. On my own, I don’t stand a chance. But if I surround myself With those who I love, Life just may be doable If only I can separate The negative from that life. The pessimism has to go, But it is not my own. I have potential, And certain ones who love me See me for who I really am. Without that in my life I would be left with All I grew up with. I am truly sorry, But that is not enough anymore. While they don’t understand What effect they have on me, Their fatalism is a millstone That threatens to sink me Into their sea of despair.

Hu The street is interesting It is alive The journey, the path Is what matters most Not the destination. An Om meditation An adventure within. I love to city hop To go to new places And search the shadows – The secret presences. I am no one A gothic spire Black and white So utterly indistinct Yet so complex are the variations In between. Into the woodland Where they hide the students, East versus West To meet the sun Or hide from it. The only book I want to read Is the one I write everyday A story with little regard for the past. Agnostic cynicism A knowledge of what not to believe.

Call him a nice guy While telling him he’s a jerk. Art is a voice From the deepest within. To entertain myself I need to do so much, To face 100 ways outward For fear of looking inside. Life is our delusion To endure or enjoy.

My Om   From despondence Comes compassion Among apathy She makes me feel alive One part wants to go slow The other would take 16 buses To see her right now. I want to dazzle Yet overly eager I must not appear. A hedonist Has discovered A new kick. My date began The moment we met Since that My life is only getting better. She’s my Om.

Grand Scheme What’s meant to be Is meant to be Yet a passive resignation to fate I will never give. Though it is baseless, My pride is all I have. Don’t apologize You’re as powerless as I. We really mean nothing In it all. So what’s the sense in struggling to grasp what our hands may never hold? Is it destiny Or the wind of time Rearranging us Like the microscopic particles That we are To something greater. Perhaps Our inner voice Can guide us If only we could understand. Are we only the players Of someone else’s game?

Living Anthropometry   Interesting molecules. Sentences not often formed, Or commonly uttered. Funerals I didn’t attend, Ceremonies intentionally missed. A compendium of things found, lost By an esoteric orientalist. Encephalomalacia A softening of the brain, An idée- xe. I want to be a student, but I can’t I want to be a cop, but I won’t I want to be a priest, but I couldn’t I want to be a mystic, and I am.

Mind Palace

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Many doors, Labyrinthine passage. Depths within Beyond the conscious. A switching of mental faculties From the seen to the unseen.

Introspective luxury – A place of solace and re ection. Ornate in complexity With mirrors of deception And pools of insight Regenerative to the soul To pass all the corridors – An internal puzzle – A subjective conundrum That is where we look For answers. The stars have proved useful tools Yet perhaps the mystery of the cosmos Is under our noses Beyond sight.

Love

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For another For oneself Irrational euphoria Or egocentric delusions Somehow have him believe What he sees is unreal. The California sun The self-important abundance Of wannabe stragglers With irrepressible dreams Of becoming something. Hypochondriacal faith healing

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A faith so strong It becomes real – From ethereal to corporeal Faith can synthesize truth And the ridiculous Suddenly seems plausible. When one opens their mind To the in nite possibility That our freedom of choice De nes our individuality And can dictate What we believe Whether it’s God or aliens, Psychoanalysis or true love, Royalty or celebrity Worship It is an innate narcissism Our pantheon of gods Is centred around us By relative importance. Religions and romances Magical or mundane A human’s quest for superlatives Reaches for transcendence Through love and delusion Their greatest achievements. Love to content Imagination to occupy And the short life span May not seem so short. Belief is a delusion The ability to change The order of one’s own logic

To nd understanding and meaning Although we are confused by nature There are avenues of our awareness That need to be explored and pursued. We are a species that requires faith In order to ourish. Such a rare commodity It is a key ingredient In the composite human. People are never without Faith in something The most dif cult of all Is believing in our own selves, The absence That causes loss of will. The ability to love Is the only magic We haven’t destroyed yet.

Love (#2)

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There aren’t enough Hours in a day Or days in a week To paint canvases And to play music But beauty is all around us. God is love, Therefore Love is God. Should we worship love The world may even be

A nice place. And why not? We worship anything else! The genuine good We would overlook And live our lives Without ever really living. Loving Is becoming loathing. Sympathy, Apathy. The world grows cold With hearts and shoulders As magic disappears. The last remaining In our world. It must be embraced To be preserved.

Truth

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  I Believe In a great truth I Recognize The possibilities of others Each one must follow their own path The heart's true desire To the ful llment of the Soul To see one truth Among many truths Is to see the oneness of God Amidst a plethora of gods

Tongue Tied He gazed longingly at her, for a moment Then he lustily sighed, an intelligible remark It was his rst that evening, she noted That he could nally be honest. The intense emotion he conveyed, with his eyes Showed her what he’d meant, penetratingly silent And with awkward apprehension, he clutched to him The embodiment of his life, the rose garden he found.

I am a man

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I walk willingly to my death But I will ght To preserve my life

Transcendent Life Preserver

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Drunk on knowledge Parched of meaning Certain of direction Lost in application. We are capable, I believe, To create something GOOD Regardless of subjectivity. From despair and depravity A human can create beauty In their world Through the loves they share, The pain they endure And the ability – Followed by determination – To BELIEVE And to share this hope What some call religion Others faith I call transcendence. Our de ning quality So mired by culture Based on animal wills, An inadmission to guilt – A fearful refusal to speak Invades the thinking

And beliefs of an entire society. Art is not perfect Yet it is our gift That we all possess From the most basic Of sensual experience An image can elicit emotion Passion and psychic energy

Mind Bender  

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Defying time Escaping the inevitable Determined to ght the urge Yet so vulnerable to its draw Alluring and consuming What love is for the spirit Dreamt illusions are for the mind Receiving past and future In a confusing jumble With the power to foretell And synthesize What we believe, to be. Sometimes I feel as though My senses deceive unto me Information likely irrelevant Irresponsibly placed On the feeblest of minds Spun around a tilted axis Hurtling about oblivious

In the hell of confusion – These are our bounds.

Placebo An anchor to a memory Of a spot in time When I was contentedly lost. Alone in an arti cial bliss, I remember the hum of the engine Solid and smoothly Transporting me Nowhere, fast.

Yang

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In learning to see what’s wrong Disguised beneath what’s right The sun always brings morning In reply to the shroud of night. The Zen garden grows green After the last leaf has burned Acknowledging the good in bad Toward within I’ve turned. To summon my inner spirit And invoke the inner voice To control is my desire –

A futile life I lead In a world that is so random I need the knowledge That will empower me To become what it is That I am to be

What if the heaven you dream of Is just as messed up as here? As above, so below; as below, so above All is in the ALL, the ALL in all Fix yourself and you heal everything Neglect yourself and suffer, why? Take agency, do something right by yourself

Disconnect An image in the mirror But not what the mind expects to see My image of beauty And the reality

Ego is the entire problem with humanity We can’t see ourselves honestly Because we’re looking at our re ection That is clouded by our own desires

Peacock Mirror Look into the re ection Of rainbow light On the surface of a bubble

Third eye

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It’s not for seeing with But for looking into Like a purple hued stained glass window Rippling over a scrying pool

I hold up my thought A single blip In an avalanche Of information My contribution For what it’s worth I hold up my creation With love and pride.

I am the target of your hatred for yourself




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Whoever you project me to be, I'm not He is the ashes of who you never knew If you could reconstruct the ruins of who I've destroyed It would still never be even a shadow of who I really am Accuse me of whatever you fear Attack me if it paci es your ignorance Whatever you can to do to harm me or mine You are just a memory of a time that barely was This is the truth about not only us But everyone, everywhere, everywhen

How do we go on? Driven by a purpose Greater than ourselves Expulsive Giving energy to move forward Leaving behind the weight of the past Encumbrances best forgotten The lessons learned carried forward

I feel like I’m just a mirror for others’ emotions Like I’m not even here   I feel like I have phased myself right out of reality That I’m in a pocket universe of my own And I vacillate between the bliss of detachment And the crushing weight of being perfectly alone

Grit & Sanctity   Humour from pain Fantasy from realism Spirituality in the mundane Beauty in the ugliness That can be this life. Surviving amidst the hardship The spark of life shines Through the dung-encrusted elements Our soul, mind and body.

A List   Interesting people Funny things overheard Things I've seen Wondered about Or wish I could forget

The Sunshine

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A pathetic fallacy, Pathetic on our part, of course. So we smile when the light goes on. Oh, the ow of water, dirt and life. It is, of course, comparable To our metaphoric imaginings of literary monsters. “Down the great dragon was hurled!” We expect a lizard. An existing software of collective unconscious. We are not a power source, we are an archive.

4:20 Enjoying the brisk I take my strut Trying to move Inward and outward At the same time I realize Nature is the most REAL thing we have It teems with life We seek to destroy it Any way we can Both nature And life itself

The not-so obvious frustrating rift between thinking and feeling An illusion of love An apparition of affection Enraptured by a presence Consumed by a burning Within directed Toward the one Without whom the world unravels The lock of eyes That skips heart’s beat The curved lines That enliven the spirit The magical force That can unite two as one

She’s my antiThe yin to my yang. The completed circle Only possible with her. Completing the circuit, She switches me 1 And I turn the world 0. Beyond the beyond, then still.

This Love I Feel

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This love I feel, the longing; I fail to nd words to de ne As I am able to do with myself. But I see that I belong with you – Have always and will always – In a place that is far away With those who, on the surface Appear very different But beautiful And deeper within Share the values of my own That seem to make me foreign To my neighbours But at home worlds away. We are kindred spirits Joined by a love sublime That transcends any distance or time. Some part of me is missing now But what you have left will be with me For all time. Without you here, it is colder, more gray But the thought of you And the life that we have been blessed to share Warms my spirit.

Desire

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My desire for you Far surpasses esh But is mind Body and spirit Combined Call it masochistic To in ict such pain For to dream of you Holds me So tightly bound I’m gasping Struggling to inhale And it moves me so To bring a tear to my eye I long for you You alone For no attraction Could excel This painful pleasure Merely dreaming Wraps around me And in icts my heart With this sickness This spell you have cast And plays me Like a marionette Dancing to the melody Of your voice.

An interruption in my life For which I am grateful Like a great serendipitous journey – Unexpected, yet destined. A thousand-year nap, The snap of returning to your body When you realize the real you felt Was just a dream And the real you feel now is not so real. A different perspective Seeing yourself through another’s eyes Can reveal what is good And illuminate what needs change. The elucidating electrical storm of the brain.

Near Misses   My life is a series of randoms To be expressed in variables In an endless equation Where the solution is rarely the answer. How close we must come To getting what we want. Life is a delicate dance With improvised steps And unknown partners

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Stubbed toes and crushed spirits Are all too common. Searching for a love Of any kind for any thing In my disparate realm Is dif cult at best. I think I think too much For my own good. Now when I look I can only see codes – Endless strings of senseless information. The most elusive language Is that of emotion – A volatile random That de es reason or logic. I fear feelings Because they all bring pain. Some say the clenching in the gut Means love But when I see warning signs Now I heed and stay away Afraid to go out of my way. It is then my heart goes astray My retreat displayed Beyond my control on my face And it reads like repulsion. Preservation makes me shy away And wonder why so many Do the same to me.

Hunger

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A burning hunger Deep within Only to be Nearer to you To hear Your soft voice Caressing my ears To see Your shining eyes Drawing me in Deeper and deeper Like a hypnotic trance Until I feel as though We are one And I can see right through you And in the glisten See a warm re ection Of myself Drawing my heart And mind Magnetically to yours To read the affection In your face Like a wonderful romance Yet to be unfolded A small origami heart Outstretched Will last forever

How Long Can We Hunt? How long can we hunt Before we become the thing It is that we hunt?

Prophetic Inebriate Glassy eyes A sunken individual To the outside world On the interior A storm is brewing The energy dynamic So hard to channel productively.

Side Rant Milk-chocolate confection What Christianity has become for me A store-bought religious symbol Of pagan fertility And I wonder what religion am I? The cross Represents hypocrisy The Sun Rises in the east Humanity’s Mecca. If there is no God Or he is so obscure We always have Ra and the gang. An anthropomorphic stellar journey To within Shifting between this world and that Trying to make sense of both.

Coalescence Acquiescent appetite A forced convergence The push and pull of opposites Threatens to tear apart The existence we know Balanced nevertheless One revolution at a time.

I believe in reincarnation.

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But I must explain. I am a human being, organic and physical Which is somehow aware of its own nature This awareness is hope, it is dreams and prayers. Standing before me is the land walked on by my ancestors While I am new here, we all have the memories Of those who came before. And while I may not Have bore another name I have been here before. They are a part of me as I will be for my children’s Grandchildren. It is the way we are all connected Being, all together so insigni cant amongst the World’s surroundings. Nothing but an unimaginable Amount of space as far as the mind can see. Yet there Are others here that we cannot see. They are Those who are beside us in what we see as the physical Realm. Only with the psychical can they be sensed But nevertheless connections have been made. We as humans may not be that smart at times, but We are de nitely communicative. And despite All the hierarchical divisions we place amidst ourselves Through politics, economics or violence we retain the Ability and desire to understand God. A contradictory Dichotomy is one of the few things we were programmed For. In this struggle to nd God we look within, Not the super cial self but the true inner self to Know the mysteries of our purpose for living. This is gnosis.

Primordial Religion Fighting a greater holy war Against the second nature of self – A monster of rage that consumes In a self-centred masochistic cannibalism – Yet striving toward the light, the fountains of good The ocean of the almighty.

Shaman

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Groovin’ with nature Feelin’ the vibe Directin’ the ow Harmony Within and without Seein’ with vision Of ancient truisms.

Music is a Colourful Voice

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Random numbers A Miles Davis trumpet blast Sound waves of diversity To stimulate processing Of thoughts of the highest order Our subconscious rendering Of the probable and the possible A realm so accessible Yet so elusive Between our ears. Do we control it, Or does it control us? Musical notes are signals – Components of an uncertainty equation That is reality to us. Alien matter All around us Since who we are Is but a composite manifestation Of our true inner identity. We’ve been given a mystery Of nite and in nite disproportions Slightly beyond our grasp In either direction But moving forward Our bacterial species continues to adapt Providing us with new challenges

To overcome or to fail – Survivalism innate.

Why now?

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When everything seems to be going so swimmingly well Can I not ght the feeling that something's not right? It's almost as if I'm programmed for self-destruction And I need to balance myself Against doing too much good By sabotaging my efforts And unplugging from reality But I'm too well behaved now To let myself go. I've become wound up and there is no release. I'm bound by this malfunction The inevitability of despair That I should be disappointed Even when I get all that I thought I wanted.

Mutable Air Constant reinvention Every day a new adventure Another step in the journey With each breath A moment closer To the nal destination Be it death or rebirth

I don't consider it as I've lost close friends.

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I see it as though I've removed dead weight, Freed from those who don't share my principles, Given the opportunity to express how I truly feel. Justi ably angry towards injustices I see Unable to do much to x these, At the very least to stand separate from it. My heart has grown angry and dispassionate My mind cold and calculating.

Rose

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Shedding petals, Offspring clustered around In a familial garden. Who we are Stems from one – Whether we re ect good or bad – Nothing can change that. For as long as we all shall live Our spirit will live on And yours through ours.

Beaten Down Feeling beaten down By life, reality Dreams and optimism Have been overtaken By responsibility for survival. What I want to do Seems uncertain What I love to do Doesn’t pay very well So I do what I can, Tread water In this overwhelming sea Of control. Trying to live a balance Between mysticism and material

Who Am I?

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I’m afraid of being ordinary. Perhaps it’s because I don’t feel worthy, So I invent aspirations to indulge my fantasies. So where has this gotten me? Lost and confused. I project these dreams onto my life So I can feel like I actually know where I’m going. Now I just feel deluded and disconnected, Like I don’t know who I am. It’s hard to become ful lled when you live someone else’s life, Especially when you don’t even know whose it is. I wanted to die once, but now I just want to live. Inadvertently I turn my back on people I care for, And it’s become so thorough I can’t reverse the process. Before I isolate myself into oblivion… My calloused heart… Misses the throb of disappointment?

Disturbing the Peace

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Is this peace? Or complacent ignorance Consuming our identities and souls As we eagerly gorge ourselves At the trough of cunning capitalist greed – The sinister manipulation of our value system Subtly convincing us of an externally invented need That we unwittingly feed with a trade Of convenience for morality. A blind eye is shut by the lure of a menu And uorescent signs That fail to account for the value of life Of the cogs that perpetuate the function Of the machine that enslaves them – Enslaved by their need for sustenance And motivated craftily by whips That penetrate the innermost heart’s buttons Of altruism and team spirit, A kindred belonging that the faceless soulless entity Can never understand deeper than to exploit In elevating pro t above people At the expense of those crucial for its survival A viral hamster wheel of bare necessity Forcing the honesty and virtue of hard work To come up ever short of liberation. Peons with a non-negotiable pay stub In a society where legality can be unequal

To justice. This is a memo to all: Boycott the illusion of gain Readjust the focus to people, not pro t

Humanity  

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Consistent and united In uctuating self-con ict I am a free spirit now Cleansed of the spiritual weight of others A new chapter in my book The one I write everyday Learning to translate Into something meaningful All that I see. A quest for redemption In an arena of folly A re exive masochism That I feel I have escaped Somewhere I am, the sun is shining I know it I have seen another epiphany The snake sheds once again The phoenix rises This time not from its own ashes But from uncomfortable heights Precariously treading Yet this new unfolding cost not The cat one of the nine.

Anus (The Washer that holds Everything together)

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God is Love Merciful, omniscient The universe is chaos Controlled What we see is the blink Of an eye There are powers beyond Anything We can imagine And beyond that Lies greater still Precariously we rest Mere feathers’ oating Spores So we have ourselves A short time Not a long time Just enough To make up our minds

Seeing you today

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After all these years Still beautiful as ever I remember why I loved you then And barely even knew you But the timing was wrong then Just like it is now But my heart still utters That old infatuation When I think of your name. And though I wasn’t sure You would remember me I’m afraid I can’t forget you

The Sombre Silence of Suburbia We ght a war Where enemies are disguised As friends Foes cloaked As brothers The monsters we face Look just like us

Natural High  

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I like my life I do what I want There is no con ict Within anymore Anything is possible When I have inner peace Aside from that What could be wrong? Nothing can shake me From being who I am Since one is their own source of strength With those who preach of God That truth Will not be found

Personal Best

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  De ning moments In our life Milestones Turning points That make us who we are The memories you keep For as long as you live, The rest is just details. Our personal best Is what we’re remembered for The times for which We are judged And we judge ourselves The basis of con dence The proof Of our existence. When we are plagued By a decision And when we make The right choice We are victorious That fuels us to live For this is The drive in all of us The carnal instinct That makes us Human.

I hold up my staff, supporting my lantern But the light is not my own Against the darkness, in the midst of it We are a part of both The balance of the forces We should look for equilibrium, Transmuting into something better, together Instead of conquest or dominion One must not lose for the other prevail. The future is cooperative Once we overcome the ego that divides and confuses We may see that we are all 1. We are being called to rise now And be better than we were. Change is hard, but need not be traumatic Envision your best life, and see it become reality This power denied us, through ignorance subtly

Motivating The Universe

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Oh, cashmere clouded eyes If we could learn all there were It would form but one perspective A mere bright speck among an in nite ocean Only to be swept away and replaced In an ever-changing state of ux A force that permeates everything, everywhere Motivating the universe. If we can see in nity, no barriers exist Between us and all else, yet Primitive mental conditions limit us To life in a box, for this short lifetime A hop, skip and a fall, so painfully long But dreadfully fast; don’t sweat it, It won’t last. And nothing will. It is our essence not our form That is who we call I, A pure energy life form, that Cannot be destroyed. Rearranged, Maybe. Metacyclosynchrotron, the big crunch. Stretch it all out, as far as it’ll go Eventually will hit a snag, and watch that sucker B L O W! The end. Of existence. Worry? No. It’s likely happened before It’s assuredly going to happen – AGAIN.

But WHY? You ask, But cannot fathom, so you toil Struggle, grope but ever foiled. There is an explanation That will cure your frustration

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Time and space, so very V  A   S    T Exponentially perplexing. The cosmos are expanding Forget a little lunar landing. All must crunch to reunite, Reaf rm singularity of being Discombobulate a little, Only to reassemble. Such is the beauty, The simplicity of our universe.

My ego died A heroic dose death But its memory Still haunts As I suspect it always will

Don’t run Face yourself Love yourself Link arms And skip through The morass Together

Microcosmic Convalescence

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To make something be That once was naught To look upon your work As the embodiment of self A contribution to your universe Of an entity that cannot be denied Only perceived – Lines and logic, waves of understanding Colours and vibrations, sounding of imagination Motivated by a passionate re from within Of warmth and life and light Generated by a carbon cluster body With its limited life span And unique conscious constraints With their shady oases, Oracular pools with healing vision That can easily emit emotional ux Riding these ripple waves called life Granted with the freedom of the airy Mindscapes in which to stretch out And communicate and change Effortlessly and ef ciently The composite elemental soul That conjures love as an expression of all To complete the mystic circle of power and being. Work is done, a life has begun: Creative energy brought to fruition That may vanish its molecules But whose essence will prevail.

Our relationship with time has changed Have we been released from the Saturnian worship An obsession with time at the cost of awareness The Rat Race is over Those worshippers have had us tricked Into doing their praying for them Vampires that have fed from our fear Terror they have perpetuated We have had a planetary infestation For thousands of years Now we need to shake off these interlopers And be free to evolve into who we can become. We are beyond revenge. The time that has been taken from us can not be repaid But the perceived value of our loss Is based on their ideal that no longer serves us. Let them meet their justice somewhere else, By others wiser and better equipped than we. Let's move on and show what we have learned From our time in captivity.

I Am The Light What do you see? I see a light Step into the light But I’m afraid I’ll die Then you’re already dead I’ll step through Where are you now? I am the light   I have mental diseases These are your gifts I lack in fortitude Your weakness is your strength

Bake a Fish seems simple enough but you reach a point when you realize that more is not better the smaller the number the greater the value we lust after 1000 but really we are after the 1

Belief

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There is no one truth But we have all been given a piece of it And the secret of knowing lies in us Coming together as one, unique and united And the complete picture will be seen From as many perspectives as we are Not just a simple beam of light But a prism re ected through the crystals Of our collective consciousness

You don’t need me to tell you about God

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And I sure don’t want you to tell me about it, either   No one can tell you what love is It’s something you need to feel   Faith is of a similar essence.   What is concretely real to one Is absurd gibberish to the other   This tells me a few things:   Everyone walks their own path, and pays their way Look inside, because everyone’s is different You are a mirror onto which the cosmos re ects

It’s ALL Imaginary Everything we see and experience Is all made up, by us collectively So we have a choice that most won’t believe Or accept but it’s true We have been led to make misery and forced To abide in it But we have the opportunity to recreate On a higher level what we truly desire This is the wake up call if you may hear That the future is waiting for your creating I speak in a metaphor behind an allegory Shrouded in a mystery, a layered enigma

Don’t be greedy in Healing   Accept that it’s going to be a long process and don’t try to do too much, too quickly. Change is hard, and requires time for adjustment. Overeagerness has no value in the effectiveness of your intended operations. Give yourself time and try to deeply assimilate the positive changes that have already occurred before rushing into more problem areas, and make sure that positive adjustments remain, that wounds can nally heal

The Universe is Balanced

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  The universe is inherently neutral Abhorring a paradox, seeking never to become one No good or evil, judgement, only balance And we complain there is no justice So we seek extremes of mercy or cruelty But it’s take a penny, leave a penny And the equilibrium remains, because we are still here

I pray for justice for all who are oppressed I wish the world were kinder, more equal I know it can be that way, that we have within us The potential to come together and rise above Lower, meaner and uglier facets of ourselves If only we can believe in each other, ourselves



The Inheritance

Missing Travel   What is it that is so desirable about the feeling of being lost? My theory is that compared with the underlying existential "lost-ness" that we feel, the temporary loss of sense of a mundane direction seems trivial, amusing, and fundamentally familiar. When you're lost it means you are somewhere you've never been before, and that is an exhilarating feeling, somewhat terrifying but easily remedied. The unknown doesn't remain unknown long and that is an empowering experience Humiliating and liberating at once.

Electricity in the Air   There is a sort of peace, A buzz of electricity in the air Of minds at work

If I were to die today What would I take with me? If it was all over, What really mattered? The love of my daughter and wife. All the rest was meaningless. Money, home, clothes, career. Who cares? Those things are events in a dream. The love I take with me Exists as a light of bright energy Within my spirit, Free from forms of body or shape.

Every day I grow Becoming closer to who I'll be Judging success is relative To the values we assign Living each day to its fullest And enjoying the little wonders That life has to offer Without a clouded perspective Distracted from the heart's true path In order to see this so clearly The heart must be enlivened Fueled by a love for self That will remain when all others fail. To love the self Is to know and accept Who I really am And I am free There is nothing to hold me back But myself. I must let go Of the weight of the past Because the present is too fast And the future is now. There is no time for misery Too much work to be done So today is the beginning And I'm already behind But without worry I will conquer If nothing but myself.

My mother’s bastards Shitty parents make shitty kids Who, in turn, make more Until someone can break the cycle.   Abuse is perpetuated Until someone says “enough” And walks away.

I am a mean bastard A cold-hearted son of a bitch I tried to like you, I really did So many times you have hurt me in my life With your poor choices and lack of empathy You're not capable of caring for anyone else I know that now, you can hardly take care of yourself To I forgive you for what you lack And I'm trying to be better, Not because of you but in spite The only lesson and support I can expect Is a lesson how not to be

Sometimes Sometimes leaving Is the kindest option Sometimes silence The best response Sometimes refrain The wisest action

Letting Loose Years of frustration Repression Welling up inside of me Just from one conversation That's been going on for years I told my ride to fuck off and let me walk Because I can't agree And they won't listen when I talk You say you want to help me out? Which way to the fuckin' door? All you have to offer Is material things Which you say they’re useless So where does that leave you? Fuck this life

It's too goddamn short to waste On assholes who don't really care

I Despise All The Lies I despise and reprise all the lies That I've said in my head While in bed, on days I thought I'd be better off dead For you see, it's not me It's just my family tree Infecting and contesting Rejecting and infesting But it's not all their fault They got suckered into a cult

Piss On The Ashes Of the burned down church I recognize this for the hateful nonsense that it is But any objective student of history Cannot, in honest critical thinking Have anything but contempt For what the Church Has done And perpetuated In the world Throughout its time

Song of Life Sounds Suspiciously like an alarm clock  As long as you can hear it   You'll probably be alright

The "point" of life As I see it, Is to explore the world of places and possibilities. To push further ahead a And progress beyond, To live life for life's own sake.   It is our responsibility To create a reality That is better than the one that exists.

What I’m here to do   To learn to make something happen From mind to physical realm Is a boon to both realms. It helps to forge the connection Between the dimensions. More bridges, less walls.

I write because I feel alone My scream therapy into the universe Letting my voice be heard on the planes If to no one but myself A constructive catharsis

Writing is like giving life To some inner piece of the soul. Some stories are dreams That have never come to pass, Others nightmares of reality. The rest are fabrications That lie somewhere in between.

1 Secret of Kether

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The unmanifest is limitless There is no such thing as scarcity It is an illusion of the ego That for 1 to have, another must not It is the logical error responsible For countless horrors throughout the universe. We are consumed with ghting over scraps Begging for permission or forgiveness While there is an endless fount of possibility That all we have to do is imagine and ask. The self-actualized human Is the most capable creature in the cosmos We have been gifted incredible capability And the responsibility that goes along with it But having convinced ourselves that we're mere spectators This wonderful prospect of continuous creation Has been usurped by our own collective misunderstanding This the Great Work that is upon us: To raise ourselves, our species, the earth Existence itself Toward a higher evolution of consciousness

Depression From Missing Pieces It has occurred to me That depression can be caused by damage done to psychology, Or from physiological imbalances. But it could also be an echo of a past era Where you had powers, abilities or qualities That no longer remain. Like a phantom pain from a lost limb, I believe our souls retain memories of our true selves, And the pieces that we no longer have with us Can cause considerable frustration and disorientation, Like a tail we no longer can rely on for balance.

Evolutionary Creationist Is it really so hard to conceive That something can be designed to change And adapt with time and place? To think it all came from nothing A spontaneous combustion of which elements Unfolded into the third dimension we see The chicken had to lay the egg, fertilize it But to assume that it all came about Spontaneously And from nothing Seems simplistically reductive

Face changing in the mirror   Why does that idea freak some people out so much? Is it because realizing that your true nature is not of this world is more than a little traumatizing for the unprepared mind?

Feelings of Inadequacy

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I'm feeling a little inadequate lately Like I'm not enough for this world, Or it's too much for me Like maybe I don't belong here That I don't have what it takes To do what I need to But it's not true I'm lying to myself And I want to know why? Which piece is broken, leaking Onto where it's not supposed to be? I know that it can be xed, That I can manage I know that I'm good at getting things done And I tell myself, as a reminder Not to forget myself In it all.

I think loose paper and pen are best

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Easy to reorganize Reshuf e Add, remove At will. Something about the old way New advancements are nice An old dog tries to learn Inevitably reverting To old habits. Die hard, Don’t go peacefully. Give 'em hell… Elaborate regurgitations Talking in circles Until I'm dizzy in my soul Or is it circumambulation Like a dervish whirling Revolving, evolving To match the harmonious Synchronicity Of their One True Love.

Ideas are like air Sometimes sweet smelling, some rotten The Source remains unseen And only time will tell the validity of what will materialize

Lest We Forget

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For those who stand and for the fallen Maintaining an invisible line in the sand   I am pro-troop. I am anti-war. I will glorify the warrior spirit that functionaries in Of ces can hide behind Beings of courage and resilience that run headlong into terror Not for hatred for the enemy, but for a love for home greater than a love for themselves

Seeker's School of Mystery

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  If you don't believe in it It probably wouldn't work anyway. Self-ful lling prophecies are up to us What we allow the universe to manifest. Make it amazing!   I am seeking truth to ancient mysteries Through intuition and research, on repeat It is my life's purpose: to try and make sense Of questions seemingly without answer If you are on a similar path, unique to you Let's inspire and motivate each other along We may never agree, for what is true for me May not be for you, and likewise But at the very least let's elevate our disagreement While we propel ourselves toward eternity

Fibonacci Curve

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I take the F- curve to mean a relatively short life To experience curves rather than straight lines, We humans are designed maybe not to have a life of greatness But an interesting unique series of experiences We can move on with after this life And there this picture will remain Forever stored in Heaven’s library, Which has been lled since far, far before Our comprehension of when time began With every detail of our and every other universe. Why is ‘God’ something we cannot describe? Why is reverence given to anything beyond understanding? Do not mistake ignorant fear for true awe. The search for the unknown becomes a sport To occupy ourselves for the duration Of this journey through life.

F-Curve Scale     Evil struggle, Chaos, perverted sex. Choice & redemption, Change & evolution – Adaptation, pure heavenly ecstatic love.   We are creatures of light, We instinctively look to the light and see a circle, Meaning a curve-life, New potential for growth But a teetering of balance of forces, Light and shadows, Positive & negative, Good and evil.

Self care is the antithesis of self doubt

Tear Down The Edi ce

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  Like entering a hostile castle under full guard Or an enemy company’s headquarters, You feel the psychic sting of unwantedness And you realize there are gargoyles at the door And dragons on the four corners of the roof, All capable of tearing us to bits But likely more intent on doing their desk jobs Or staff appointed duties and perversions. Real vampires are not literary vampires. CONDUITS: We are all one and the other, So we are equally uctuating.

The Flood Vision

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A Flood is coming. But this time it is one of hope for a better future. A new era is dawning and we bring it forth every day. We are all a part of the future, and we’re writing it together. Once a ood came, the details are irrelevant The story holds water, though It’s all a metaphor We can be the herd We can be the boat, or We can be the rain. There’s always another choice, hidden If we can only imagine

(I Am)

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  Fundamentally in nite I am able to draw power, knowledge and wisdom Not merely writing with words I am weaving vision into the fabric of reality Equipped to deal with problems in my life I am capable of overcoming challenges that face me Con dent in my knowledge and skill I am doing the work I am meant to be doing Successful and content in my life I am grateful for the opportunities I have had Grateful for life and its diverse tapestry of experiences I am doing work that will bene t myself and my earth family   I am unwilling to stand by silently in the face of injustice I am not going to tolerate mistreatment or abuse I am not going to allow people and habits that are toxic to remain in my life I am going to expect more from myself and others around me So that we may all achieve our highest potential   Free to do the work that my heart desires I am grateful to be me, to be alive, to be here and now Excited and energized at the prospect of what comes next I am con dent that I will rise to the occasion and succeed At making a positive impact on the world around me

  Grateful for the ability to learn and the guidance I have received In directing that learning I am intent on protecting my self, my family and my loved ones From any harm, seen or unseen I am willing to learn the protective arts so that I may be of service To my family now, and in the future   I am keen to maintain my emotions so that I may not Inadvertently perpetuate the problems I am consciously working at not causing any unnecessary harm With my thoughts, words, or actions I am sorry for any harm that I have caused, Knowingly or in ignorance   I am grateful for the healing catharsis of writing and am excited To see what adventures await as a result I am in wonder at the process of conceiving and delivering my ideas Into the world