A Life Well Lived: Dialogues with a “Kabouter” [1 ed.] 103259084X, 9781032590844

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A LIFE WELL LIVED

Manfred Kets de Vries wears many “hats”—psychoanalyst, executive coach, consultant, management educator, researcher, writer—but he has noticed that whichever hat he is wearing, every question he is asked boils down to one thing: “How can I live a well-lived life?” Over many years of practice in all these disciplines, Professor Kets de Vries has realized the unsurpassed value of stories in tackling human dilemmas and providing answers to this question. The book is, therefore, one of the most important books he has written for coaches, students, leaders, managers, educators—or anyone seeking a more refective text to guide them through the multitude of questions that we face in work and in life. He draws on a long literary tradition of the unexpected encounter with a wise “other,” fantastic or magical—think The Little Prince, Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland, The Once and Future King, the Harry Potter novels—to animate an exploration of the deepest questions and concerns of human beings. He constructs an extended Socratic dialogue between his two “selves”; the frst a naïve traveler, lost in the Siberian wilderness, and the second a refective avatar who comes to his aid. The avatar takes the form of a “kabouter,” a familiar fgure in Dutch folklore whose counterpart can be found in different cultures around the world and throughout centuries of storytelling. Through stories, riddles, and puzzles, the kabouter challenges the traveler to question and refect upon his life and values, guiding him—and readers—toward the insights that will help them achieve a life well lived. Manfred F. R. Kets de Vries is Distinguished Clinical Professor of Leadership Development and Organizational Change at INSEAD, France, Singapore, Abu Dhabi, and San Francisco.

A LIFE WELL LIVED

Dialogues with a “Kabouter” Manfred F. R. Kets de Vries

Designed cover image: Philip Harris First published 2024 by Routledge 4 Park Square, Milton Park, Abingdon, Oxon OX14 4RN and by Routledge 605 Third Avenue, New York, NY 10158 Routledge is an imprint of the Taylor & Francis Group, an informa business © 2024 Manfred F. R. Kets de Vries The right of Manfred F. R. Kets de Vries to be identified as author of this work has been asserted in accordance with sections 77 and 78 of the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988. All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reprinted or reproduced or utilised in any form or by any electronic, mechanical, or other means, now known or hereafter invented, including photocopying and recording, or in any information storage or retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publishers. Trademark notice: Product or corporate names may be trademarks or registered trademarks, and are used only for identification and explanation without intent to infringe. British Library Cataloguing-in-Publication Data A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library ISBN: 978-1-032-58250-4 (hbk) ISBN: 978-1-032-59084-4 (pbk) ISBN: 978-1-003-45286-7 (ebk) DOI: 10.4324/9781003452867 Typeset in Joanna by Apex CoVantage, LLC

CONTENTS

About the author Preface

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DAY ONE

1

1

Walking in circles

3

2

The open mind

11

3

The sound of one hand

15

4

Deep listening

19

5

Look beneath the surface

23

6

Beyond appearances

29

7

The Golden Rule

32

DAY TWO

35

8

Making promises

37

9

Integrity

41

vi

CO N T EN T S

10 Hypocrisy

44

11 Greed

48

12 Selfishness

54

13 Giving versus taking

58

14 Hubris

62

15 Liars

67

16 What’s all this gossip about gossip?

72

DAY THREE

77

17 The streetlight effect

79

18 Self-fulfilling prophecies

83

DAY FOUR

89

19 Ritualization

91

20 Anger

95

21 Compromise

101

22 Deal with your neuroses

105

23 Dreaming

110

24 Daydreaming

115

25 Transference

118

26 Paradoxical intervention

121

27 Courage

125

CO N T EN T S

DAY FIVE

129

28 Encouragement

131

29 Good judgment

135

30 Sexual desire

140

31 Staying grounded

144

32 Self-care

149

33 Self-compassion

154

34 Carpe diem

159

35 Education

163

36 Hope

167

37 The expiry date

171

Index

177

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Manfred F. R. Kets de Vries brings a different view to the much-studied subjects of organizational dynamics, leadership, executive coaching, and psychotherapy. Bringing to bear his knowledge and experience of economics (Econ. Drs., University of Amsterdam), management (ITP, MBA, and DBA, Harvard Business School), and psychoanalysis (Membership Canadian Psychoanalytic Society, Paris Psychoanalytic Society, and the International Psychoanalytic Association), he explores individual and societal existential dilemmas in depth. The Distinguished Clinical Professor of Leadership Development and Organizational Change at INSEAD, he is Program Director of INSEAD’s top management program, “The Challenge of Leadership: Creating Refective Leaders,” and the Founder of INSEAD’s Executive Master Program in Change Management. He has been a pioneer in team coaching to help organizations and people change. As an educator, he has received INSEAD’s distinguished MBA teacher award six times. Professor Kets de Vries has held professorships at McGill University, the École des Hautes Études Commerciales, Montreal, and the Harvard Business School. He is also a distinguished visiting professor at the European School for Management and Technology (ESMT), Berlin and has lectured at management institutions around the world. The Financial Times, Le Capital, Wirtschaftswoche, and The Economist have rated Manfred Kets de Vries among the world’s leading management thinkers and one of the most infuential contributors to human resource management.

A B O U T T HE AU T H O R

Kets de Vries is the author, co-author, or editor of more than 50 books, including The Neurotic Organization, Power and the Corporate Mind, Organizational Paradoxes, Struggling with the Demon: Perspectives on Individual and Organizational Irrationality, Handbook of Character Studies, The Irrational Executive, Life and Death in the Executive Fast Lane, Leaders, Fools and Impostors, Prisoners of Leadership, The Leadership Mystique, The Happiness Equation, Are Leaders Made or Are They Born?: The Case of Alexander the Great, The New Russian Business Elite, Leadership by Terror: Finding Shaka Zulu in the Attic, The Leader on the Couch, Coach and Couch, The Family Business on the Couch, Sex, Money, Happiness, and Death: The Quest for Authenticity, Refections on Leadership and Character, Refections on Leadership and Career, Refections on Organizations, The Coaching Kaleidoscope, The Hedgehog Effect: The Secrets of High Performance Teams, Mindful Leadership Coaching: Journeys into the Interior, You Will Meet a Tall Dark Stranger: Executive Coaching Challenges, Telling Fairy Tales in the Boardroom: How to Make Sure Your Organization Lives Happily Ever After, Riding the Leadership Roller Coaster: A Psychological Observer’s Guide, Down the Rabbit Hole of Leadership: Leadership Pathology of Everyday Life, The CEO Whisperer: Meditations on Leaders, Life and Change, Quo Vadis: The Existential Challenges of Leaders, Leadership Unhinged: Essays on the Ugly, the Bad, and the Weird, Leading Wisely: Becoming a Refective Leader in Turbulent Times, The Daily Perils of Executive Life: How to Survive when Dancing on Quicksand, and The Path to Authentic Leadership: Dancing with the Ouroboros. Furthermore, he has designed various 360-degree feedback instruments including the widely used Global Executive Leadership Mirror, Global Executive Leadership Inventory, and the Organizational Culture Audit. In addition, Kets de Vries has published more than 400 academic papers as chapters in books and as articles. He has also written approximately 100 case studies, including seven that received the Best Case of the Year award. Additionally, he has written hundreds of mini articles (blogs) for the Harvard Business Review, INSEAD Knowledge and other digital outlets and is also a regular writer for various other magazines. His work has been featured in such publications as The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal, The Los Angeles Times, Fortune, Business Week, The Economist, Le Figaro, El Pais, Het Financieele Dagblad, The Financial Times, The New Statesman, and the Harvard Business Review. His books and articles have been translated into more than 30 languages. Furthermore, Kets de Vries is a member of 17 editorial boards and is a Fellow of the Academy of Management. He is on the board of a number of charitable organizations and is also a founding member of the International Society for the Psychoanalytic Study of Organizations (ISPSO), which has honored him as a lifetime member. In addition, Kets de Vries is the frst non-US recipient of the International Leadership Association Lifetime

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A B O U T T HE AU T H O R

Achievement Award for his contributions to leadership research and development and has also received a Lifetime Achievement Award from Germany for his advancement of executive education. The American Psychological Association has honored him with the “Harry and Miriam Levinson Award” for his contributions to Organizational Consultation. For his work to further the interface between management and psychoanalysis, he is the recipient of the “Freud Memorial Award.” In addition, he has also received the “Vision of Excellence Award” from the Harvard Institute of Coaching. Kets de Vries is the frst benefciary of INSEAD’s Dominique Héau Award for “Inspiring Educational Excellence.” He is also the recipient of four honorary doctorates. The Dutch government has made him an Offcer in the Order of Oranje Nassau. Kets de Vries works as a consultant on organizational design/ transformation and strategic human resource management for companies worldwide. As an educator and consultant, he has worked in more than 40 countries. In his role as a consultant, he is also the founder-chairman of the Kets de Vries Institute (KDVI)—a boutique global strategic leadership development consulting frm with associates worldwide (www.kdvi.com). On a more personal note, Kets de Vries has been the frst fy fsherman in Outer Mongolia (at the time, becoming the world record holder of the Siberian hucho taimen). He is a member of New York’s Explorers Club and in his spare time he can be found in the rainforests or savannas of Central and Southern Africa, the Siberian taiga, the Ussuri Krai, Kamchatka, the Pamir Mountain Range, the Altai Mountains, Arnhem Land, or within the Arctic Circle. E-mail: [email protected] Websites: www.ketsdevries.com and www.kdvi.com

PREFACE

“Dialogues with a kabouter”—how can I explain this peculiar subtitle, apart from admitting that it’s an attention-grabber? Unless you are Dutch, you’ll be asking yourself what on earth is a kabouter? You will soon fnd out. I wrote this book in response to the huge variety of questions that people ask me about strange human experiences and the existential challenges of life. I wear several “hats”; depending on the context, I’m a psychoanalyst, an executive coach, a management educator, a researcher, or a writer. But whatever hat I’m wearing, most of the questions I’m asked are about how to lead a well-lived life. I have found that stories are an excellent way to respond to these questions. After all, a life is a collection of stories. Stories foster memory and provide insights. As an educator, I’ve discovered it’s helpful to be a storyteller. Stories help make sense of what can initially appear to be insoluble challenges and give meaning to human dilemmas. This book is all about dilemmas and life’s ebbs and fows. In periods of fow, life seems easy, full of meaning and movement. Conversely, in the ebb periods in our lives, we need to pause and take time out for refection, asking ourselves whether we are living the kind of life we want to live. Storytelling has been a feature of Homo sapiens since our earliest times. Fairy tales, legends, sagas, and myths have always been especially interesting to me and have inspired me to fnd suitable stories that relate

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to life’s challenges. Apart from their entertainment value, many of these stories contain moral lessons on how to live a worthy life, warnings about the challenges that will come our way, and guidance about how to deal with them. Wearing my psychoanalyst’s hat, I have also been fascinated by the deeper messages these tales convey. What has always intrigued me is the question of how these tales came about? How did they originate? What inspired our early ancestors to create them? And why do we fnd so many similarities among these tales, even though they come from very different parts of the world? What does that tell us about human nature? Given my curiosity about the question of origins, I was quite intrigued when I was invited to look at a highly unusual theatre production. In 1985, just after I had returned to France to make the country my home, I watched the nine-hour long Hindu epic, the Mahabharata, directed by the theatre and flm director Peter Brook. Seeing the performance was an “aha” moment for me. It gave me insights into how many of the tales that preoccupy humanity originated. I still vividly recall how enthralled I was by this performance. The visuals and the text together made an incredible theatrical experience. At the same time, I realized that I was not just watching a traditional good-versus-evil morality play. On the contrary, the stories embedded within the Mahabharata forced me to make sense of the behavior of extremely complex mortal beings who were trying to deal with many of life’s eternal moral dilemmas. The play showed that life doesn’t merely involve saints and sinners. It showed that human beings are much more complex than that. The characters showed themselves in multiple shades and colours. Splitting orientations into “good” or “bad” was irrelevant. For people who not familiar with this epic, the Mahabharata is one of the two major Sanskrit chronicles of ancient India. It has been dated back to the 8th or 9th century BCE (the Vedic period in the history of India that paralleled the late Bronze Age and early Iron Age). The story itself is a collection of mythological and didactic material arranged around a central heroic narrative that tells of the struggle for sovereignty between two branches of a family. Interwoven with this narrative are many smaller stories within stories of people both dead and living, as well as many philosophical discourses. In other words, like matryoshka dolls, there are “nested” stories within the main narrative.

PREFACE

While watching the play, I realized that the Mahabharata could have been the inspiration for many other tales, especially the stories found in the Pañchatantra and Jātaka, collections of the greatest Indian short stories. The Pañchatantra was intended to teach young noblemen the values of wisdom and virtue, often through tales of animals’ antics. The use of animals that talk, think, and act like humans has always been a clever way of dramatizing human nature and actions. Like the Mahabharata, there are also many substories within the main story. The Pañchatantra tales in turn infuenced the Jātaka stories, some fve hundred anecdotes and fables that tell how Siddhartha Gautama, the Buddha, interacts with an extensive cast of characters who get themselves into various kinds of trouble. Each time, however, the Buddha intervenes to help resolve their problems, and to bring about a happy ending. The purpose of these stories was to enlighten the listeners about the importance of self-sacrifce, humility, honesty, morality, and other values and to develop their characters. Both collections of tales deal with topics such as philosophy, psychology, sociology, politics, economics, music, and human relationships. Each tale instructs its listeners on how to deal with life’s challenges in a refective way. Reading these ancient tales, I could see how they related to the tales found in the Greek myths, Aesop’s Fables, Jean de la Fontaine’s stories, Mother Goose tales, the fairy tales collected by the Grimm Brothers, and how they could have been the source of many well-known Middle Eastern stories and Western nursery rhymes and ballads. All these stories contained moral lessons that appealed to communities in various parts of the world and were transmitted from generation to generation, adapted to local peculiarities. The explanation for how these stories were distributed so widely probably lies in the cultural importance of the ancient Silk Road; a network of trade routes connecting the East and the West. Merchants travelling in long caravans of camels and horses between China, Japan, India, the Middle East, and Europe would stop at caravanserais, large guest houses or inns that welcomed travellers. We can imagine people resting at these watering holes, telling each other stories they had heard on their way. And as has always been the case with storytelling, the tales would be told over and over again. And although the characters and settings might vary, depending on the context and the teller, the lessons contained in these stories about human and animal follies, would be the same.

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In this book, I try to follow this pattern. Embedded in these dialogues with the kabouter, there is a collection of moral tales, inspired by many of the stories adapted from the Pañchatantra and the Jātaka. And in presenting these stories, I use the Socratic method, an educational approach that aims to engage both teacher and student in an open-ended dialogue as a way of examining their individual beliefs, values, and assumptions. As the name suggests, this method was derived from the Greek philosopher Socrates, who challenged his students by continually asking them questions. His purpose was to stimulate their critical thinking and help draw out their points of view. This dialogue form was a highly effective way of creating ownership of whatever topic was being discussed. It was Plato, the student of Socrates, who famously formalized the Socratic method in prose—presenting Socrates as the curious questioner of various prominent Athenians. These individuals acted as avatars, or representations of others. Through these Socratic dialogues, an ambiance was created of what can be best described as “productive discomfort.” The students couldn’t just sit back and let the teacher do all the work; they needed to pay full attention. Anytime, they could be called upon and were expected to respond to questions. This method of education proved to be a highly effective way to promote independent thinking. Not only did this kind of interchange encourage students to question what they were told, but it also encouraged them to look beyond the obvious. Its ultimate aim, however, was to provide them with a moral education—or, as the character of Socrates emphasizes in Plato’s Republic, help them work out how to live a worthy life. When I thought about writing this book, I imagined a Socratic-like dialogue between two parts of myself—one my more naïve self, the other my more refective self. Wearing my educator’s hat, I thought this kind of dialogue would be an interesting way to address the question of what makes for a life well lived. It would be a different way of highlighting some of the lessons I have learned in life. Next came the question of what or who I should pick as my more refective avatar? Remembering the tales I was told as a child, the idea of using a kabouter as an avatar sprang to my mind. In the folklore of the Netherlands, my country of origin, the fgure of the kabouter is wellknown. Dutch kabouters are rather like Irish leprechauns, the tomtes or nisses found in Scandinavia, English hobgoblins or gnomes, Scottish

PREFACE

brownies and German Klabauters. The Dutch word kabouter comes from “kobolt,” or gnome. The best way to describe kabouters is that they are small versions of human beings; wise creatures who live in hills or caves. They are usually portrayed as having long white beards and conical or knitted caps in grey, red or another bright colour. From a characterological point of view, kabouters could act for good or bad. They could be easily offended by people who failed to treat them with proper respect and would play tricks on them. But when they were treated well, they could protect people from evil and misfortune. Another reason why I chose the kabouter as my avatar was that this fgure would help me to transcend two worlds: The frst representing the more rational, conscious world of everyday life, and the second a world where the reader would be transported to a mythical, fantastic domain representative of our unconscious—a world of dreams, daydreams, and fantasies where seemingly impossible things become possible. This book eventually took the shape of an interchange between a traveller wandering in the wilderness (my more naïve alter ego) and a kabouter (my avatar, representing my more refective self). I imagined the kabouter avatar as something like Dante’s Virgil, who serves his guide through Hell and Purgatory, although in this book my naïve self has lost his way (in more than one sense) in the Siberian wilderness. The Amur region of Siberia is a place with which I’m quite familiar. It consists of a network of rivers, foodplains and wetlands, vast wild grasslands, tundra, prairies, boreal forests, and subtropical forests, making it a unique meeting place of Northern and Southern woodlands, fora, and fauna. In fact, the Amur-Heilong region, covering parts of Russia, China, and Mongolia, has some of the world’s most intact and extensive “temperate” forests—meaning forests of a rather mild climatic nature that receive a very heavy rainfall. Although the region also experiences very harsh winters, it nevertheless supports an amazingly varied wildlife. In other words, it is one of the more unusual places in the world as the boreal forests meet tropical forests. Summers tend to be rainy and warm with an average temperature of +20°C, while winters are long and cold with temperatures as low as -40°C (but with little snow). Furthermore, the fora and fauna of this part of the Russian Far East seem to be unique. But notwithstanding its natural richness, it is a very tough region in which to live. Because of the dense vegetation,

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walking through this terrain can be very diffcult; wild vines, actinidia, and lemongrass are tightly intertwined with the branches of trees and shrubs. Multiple types of fruit and berry plants fourish here: bird cherry, honeysuckle, mountain ash, raspberries, hawthorn, wild ginseng, and many others. This part of the world also provides many nuts, mushrooms, seeds, birch sap, ramsons, fern, rhubarb, moly, and other edible forest resources. The fauna of this region is no less rich: ordinary and fying squirrels, foxes, wolves, moose, Manchurian deer, sable, lynx, musk deer, Siberian roe deer, brown bear, white lipped bear, the rare Amur leopard, and the largest feline on the planet—the Amur tiger. Muskrats, minks, and Far Eastern turtles live on the banks of lakes. Wetlands, stretching all along the Amur River and its tributaries, are the places of reproduction of a great diversity of fsh. Here we can also fnd some of the most important migration routes for millions of birds like geese, cranes, storks, and ducks. In addition, it is the biotope for many other birds such as azure-winged magpies, orioles, hazelgrouse, capercaillies, black grouse, pheasants, partridges, and many other rare species that inhabit this region of the world. This wilderness is really a magic wonderland, and so is a perfect place for my two alter egos to hold their dialogues. After they meet in this unusual wilderness, the kabouter introduces major themes in human behavior, and the book becomes a discourse about living a worthy life. Like the merchants on the Silk Road, I have adapted traditional stories to my imagined scenario. But these dialogues with the kabouter also allow me to cross the limits that would be set by reality and move into the realm of fantasy. My aim is to evoke a kind of parallel process for readers, enabling them to refect on their own challenges in life, in the past, present, and future. Given my clinical background, many of the dialogues in this book are of a psychological nature. The focus of my activities has always been to better understand the “inner theatre” of human beings—how we act out the scripts that guide us in our lives. And to make sense of these inner scripts, I have been infuenced by psychodynamic-systemic, evolutionary, developmental, and neurological theories. But truth be told, to get any form of movement within the client/clinician interchange, I am prepared to resort to whatever clinical intervention method I deem to be helpful. My dialogue with the kabouter illuminates various relevant themes for a life well lived. I try to point out the importance of being in harmony with

PREFACE

yourself and others, the necessity of building intimate relationships, and the challenge to engage in activities that are bigger than yourself. A life worth living also implies realizing what makes you feel alive; understanding what your competences are; and knowing how to make the right choices. I refer to commitment to a vocation, to family and friends, to a philosophy or faith, and to the larger community. My hope is that helped by this discourse, the readers of this book will gain greater clarity about the themes that are important to their lives. However, I also realize that it is diffcult to be truly original. Over the course of history, the accumulated wisdom of humanity has been extraordinary. Isaac Newton was very much aware of this when he paid homage to his intellectual predecessors, expressing his humility with a metaphor that’s still fresh and evocative. “If I have seen further than others,” he wrote, “it was only by standing upon the shoulders of giants.” I’m doing the same in this book, building on many previous works, using the understanding gained by major thinkers who helped me to develop this dialogue. I will end with an example of the kind of stories I use to provide insight into human dilemmas and human nature. It’s the story of a stone cutter and it goes as follows: Once upon a time, there was a stone cutter who was dissatisfed with himself and with his position in life. One day he passed the house of a wealthy merchant. Peeking through the gate, he could see that the merchant had many fne possessions and many important visitors, which made him extremely envious. “How powerful that merchant must be!” thought the stone cutter. “I wish I could be like him.” And to his great surprise, his wish was granted. Suddenly, he was transformed into the merchant, enjoying more luxuries and power than he had ever imagined. While walking in the city, a high offcial passed by, carried in a sedan chair, accompanied by attendants, and escorted by soldiers beating gongs. Everyone, no matter how wealthy, was forced to bow low before the procession. “How powerful that offcial is!” thought the stone cutter. “I wish I could be such a high offcial!” Once again, his wish was fulflled. He became the high offcial, carried everywhere in his embroidered sedan chair, feared and hated by the people all around. However, it was a very hot summer’s day, and he felt uncomfortable sitting in his sedan chair with the sun burning his skin. It shone proudly

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in the sky, unaffected by his presence. “How powerful the sun is!” he thought. “I wish I could be the sun!” Immediately, he turned into the sun, shining fercely down on everyone, scorching the felds, cursed by the farmers and laborers. But he didn’t mind. He liked being the sun. However, his contentment didn’t last long. To his great annoyance, a large black cloud moved between him and the Earth, so that his rays could no longer shine on everything below. “How powerful that cloud is!” he told himself. “I wish I could become that cloud!” Subsequently, he became that cloud, producing rain, fooding the felds and villages, and hated by everyone. After some time, however, he discovered that he was being pushed away by some great force. He realized that it was the wind. “How powerful the wind is!” he thought. “I wish I could be the wind!” In a fash, he was transformed into the wind, destroying the roofs of houses, uprooting trees, feared and hated by all below him. After a while, however, he ran up against something that would not move, no matter how forcefully he blew against it. It was a huge, towering rock. “How powerful that rock is!” he thought. “I wish I could be that rock!” Instantly, he became the rock, more powerful than anything else on Earth. But as he stood there, pleased with himself, he became aware of a sound. Looking down, he saw a stone cutter, steadily hammering and chiseling away at the base of the rock. At the end of the stone cutter’s magical journey, he arrives exactly where he started. He has come full circle. The stone cutter’s story tells us we should be careful about what we wish for. Although the grass may seem greener on the other side, we might be surprised when we get there. The moral of this story is that human beings tend not to be content with what they have. But they might have a more fulflling life if they learn to celebrate who they are, what they are, and what they have—and to be truly grateful for it. As the Buddha said, “Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without.”

DAY ONE

1 WALKING IN CIRCLES

Was I lost? Was I going round in circles? If so, there were much more convenient places to be lost. Here, there were no signs directing where to go. I was far away from home, wandering in the Siberian wilderness—more precisely, in the densely wooded zone between the boreal and subtropical forest. I had spontaneously taken time out from my busy work schedule to spend some time in nature. I needed a change of scenery. I have always been a great believer in eco-therapy, the soothing emotional effect of time spent in a natural environment. I thought being in nature could help me to re-set my center and reassess my priorities in life. At this point in my life, my emotional state matched my physical state: I was feeling somewhat lost. Although why I was feeling this way wasn’t yet clear, I could think of many possible reasons. But whatever those reasons were, I knew I had been spending too much time in the city. Alienation from the natural world affects my intrapsychic world, so I fgured going back to nature could be a way to work out what was truly important to me.

DOI:10.4324/9781003452867-2

4

DAY O NE

It might seem whimsical, or foolish, to wander the wilderness while trying to fnd myself. However, I was quite aware of what it would entail. I’m an outdoorsman: I knew that surviving in this terrain would be a challenge and I knew what basic necessities I should take care to have with me. All in all, I thought it would be good for my mental health to spend a few weeks exploring this part of the world—a remarkable wilderness where various biotopes come together. I thought it would be a great way to straighten out my head and deal with my inner demons. Wandering in this wilderness would be an opportunity to fnd my true north and discover answers to some existential preoccupations. Having spent a lot of time in wild country, I was quite aware of the challenges I would face. I have never underestimated the physical demands of the wilderness. From experience, I knew it would be exhausting and that if the body doesn’t function well, all other aspects of behavior are affected. It has been said that the ego is foremost a bodily ego. Compared to the physical challenges of being in the wilderness, being psychologically lost could seem like a luxury. There would be material things to worry about. But as I was now discovering, being physically lost brought its own challenges. The opening lines of Dante’s Divine Comedy came spontaneously to my mind: “In the middle of the journey of our life I found myself astray in a dark wood where the straight road had been lost . . .”

Was I in the same situation? Was I lost psychologically and physically? I didn’t want to think about the former too closely. However, taking a look around, I began to wonder: Wasn’t this tree like the one I’d sat under a few hours ago to chew on a piece of bread? Hadn’t I collected a handful of blueberries from that bush? Wasn’t that the same mountain with the larch trees I’d looked at earlier? And that rock formation? Had I moved at all? Was it possible that I’d been going around in circles rather than heading to the next village on my map? The possibility that I was lost didn’t panic me. I often bumble around when walking in the woods. I don’t always fnd it easy to get my bearings because on fat terrain everything tends to look the same and in woodland, unlike in mountainous country, it can be very diffcult to fnd markers.

WA L K IN G IN CIRCL E S

It doesn’t help that I get very easily distracted by my own thoughts and don’t always pay enough attention to the direction in which I’m walking. I realized that for some time my mind had been wandering as well as my feet. I grew up in the countryside and, as a child, I was always running around in what seemed to me a wonderland of forest and felds. Now, in the wilds of Siberia, many of my childhood memories returned. Just look at all these fallen leaves. Aren’t those colors unbelievable? Red, orange, yellow, brown—a feast for the eyes. And then the mushrooms spread all over the moss under these trees. They seem to be growing everywhere. I remembered collecting mushrooms with my mother and grandmother. At a young age, I learned from them which were edible, and which should be avoided. Finding chanterelles, boletus, and others was always a cause of great excitement. My hunting, fshing, and gathering tendencies were implanted early. The sight of these mushrooms brought back the smell and taste of the many mushroom dishes I had prepared. But while I had been walking, trying to identify mushrooms, I may have strayed from my course. I’d also been distracted by the music that had been going through my head, from Strauss’s operetta Die Fledermaus, ever since I’d spotted a bat hiding in the hollow of a dead tree. The bat reminded me of my mother and grandmother singing songs from the operetta. One line kept on going through my head: “Glücklich ist, wer vergisst, was nicht mehr zu ändern ist” (Happy is he who forgets what can no longer be changed). Whenever I hear this particular line, I think that Strauss was onto something. However, the music had also flled me with a sense of sadness. I have an eidetic memory of my grandmother singing this song when I was very little, while giving me a bath in a small tub in the kitchen of the farmhouse where she lived. She had been an amateur operetta performer. The arias she sang while I was in the bath were engraved in my memory. My grandmother didn’t stay around for long during my childhood. Her life was cut short by illness. I was devastated when she died, too young, of pneumonia. It was the frst death I experienced consciously. I still recall her asking me during one bath time if I would remember her when she was gone. This question flled me with sadness and a feeling of helplessness. Of course, I would remember her, but at the time, I couldn’t imagine a life without her. Even now, so many years later, I recall my feeling of sadness and impotence when she died.

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It’s often said that a person isn’t really dead until the memories are gone. However, I fnd it hard to accept that many memories fade away as the years pass. Time has a way of taking its toll. Memories evaporate. Remembering my grandmother, a wave of sadness engulfed me. She was the anchor of the family and many things changed after her death. My grandfather was never able to deal with her absence. After her death, he lost his bearings, as I had, here in the wilderness. I’m starting to wonder whether I am suffering from an anniversary reaction, having now passed the age my grandfather was when he died. I’m becoming preoccupied by my own future demise. Perhaps that’s the reason why I’ve chosen to wander in the wilderness, to try to fnd out how best to use whatever time I have left. It was time to turn my attention to the here and now. Forests are supposed to be silent compared to city life, but they’re actually full of sounds. One sound I recognized immediately—ravens, the true sound of the wilderness. I had also seen and heard a few black cocks, squirrels, and snowshoe rabbits scurrying away. And straight away I was back in my childhood, remembering an attempt I made to catch rabbits. This was at a time when my fantasy of becoming a hunter-gatherer was fully fourishing. I think this desire evolved out of the stories my mother told me about food shortages and hunger in the Netherlands during World War II. My mother would make expeditions into the countryside to fnd food for the many people hiding from the Nazis in my grandparents’ house. It was a period when she felt extremely needed, having become the main provider for her family and the refugees. It might well be that these stories had created in me the wish to become a provider for the family. Certainly, as an adult, I always go to great lengths to make sure that there is plenty of food in the house. Being a provider had always been part of my personal makeup. When I was about seven years old, leafng through a Donald Duck comic, I was fascinated by drawings of Donald building a contraption to catch rabbits. It looked like a big upside-down cardboard box, with a stick holding up one edge. Donald Duck had attached a rope to the stick, to be pulled if a rabbit went into the trap. And to attract the rabbit, he’d put a big carrot inside. After putting the trap in an attractive place, Donald Duck hid behind a bush and waited for action. Sure enough, a rabbit took the bait, Donald pulled the rope and wham! One trapped rabbit.

WA L K IN G IN CIRCL E S

How gullible I was. I put some effort into creating a similar construction. After fnishing my masterpiece, including putting a carrot in the box, I also hid behind bushes. I waited, waited, and waited some more. To my great disappointment, nothing happened. Here, I was, the hopeful great provider, properly disguised, having done everything according to the illustrations in the Donald Duck comic, but nothing happened. No rabbit was interested in my carrot. After a long wait, I put my trap under my arm and walked sadly home. With hindsight, this was probably the beginning of my education as an outdoorsman but at the time I didn’t see it that way. I told my mother about my great disappointment and how I had failed to be the great provider. She must have thought the story was quite funny but seeing my sad face she explained that rabbits were far too clever to go into such a trap. According to her, Donald Duck had been lucky. Of course, she said, it would have been nice to have rabbit for supper. But to me, the question remained why Donald Duck had been so successful? What had he done differently from what I had been doing? Silly as it may sound, this incident made me realize that life isn’t always fair. It also taught me that I shouldn’t be so gullible. As my mother wasn’t much help, I went to my maternal grandfather. He was more sympathetic. He told me not to give up. One day, he said, I would be in luck. I just needed to be patient and persistent because patience and persistence were some of the greatest qualities in life and if I had them, I would be successful in whatever I planned to do. And I really liked what my grandfather said. It was a life lesson that I never forgot. Even though, superfcially, I may seem quite the opposite, I can be extremely patient. And I can also be persistent. I am not someone who gives up easily. As I grew older, my attempts to be a hunter-gatherer taught me many things about patience and persistence. They taught me how to sit quietly for a very long time and how to observe animals and people. They taught me to listen very carefully to what people say. They made me a good observer of people. Patience and persistence aside, it was now becoming very clear that my explorations in the forests of my youth hadn’t taught me how to navigate well in the Siberian Amur wilderness. In the place where I had lived as a child, that wouldn’t have mattered very much. I rarely got lost. The forests close to my home weren’t extensive. Like everything else in the low

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countries—my country of birth—they were very small. You can cross the whole of the Netherlands within a few hours’ drive. However, in the wilds of Siberia, things were very different. I was bushwhacking in a place of never-ending forests where I could keep on walking forever. Even so, I still wasn’t panicking. I was hopeful that I would fnd my way to the next village. Putting aside the psychological issues I was trying to deal with, there were more immediate, practical matters that needed attention. Experience had taught me that I just needed to follow a river downstream to get back to civilization. During my various outdoor explorations, I had learned that following a river would eventually take me to a lake or the sea, the most likely places to fnd civilization. However, the word “eventually” was the catch. I might have to walk for a very long time before “eventually” came into sight. It also meant that I needed to fnd a river. That, I thought, shouldn’t be too diffcult. The ducks, geese, and cranes fying overhead were a good sign that the region was rich in water. While I was thinking about my next move, I heard some rustling in the nearby bushes. What could it be this time? From the sound of it, it was something much bigger than a rabbit or squirrel. The question was, how big? My imagination went into overdrive. Could it be a bear? Or a Siberian tiger? After all, I was in the Ussuri Krai area—a region where these large cats roamed. If it was a bear or tiger, the animal was very close. In fact, far too close! I stopped walking. Keeping quite still, I listened very carefully. Now, I could only hear the wind. Otherwise, it was silent—too silent. Now I began to feel uneasy. I still hoped that the sound I had heard was an illusion but at the same time, I didn’t think my ears were deceiving me. There was defnitely something there and it had to be an animal, preferably one that didn’t see me as a meal. But although it was impossible, I couldn’t help thinking it would be very nice to meet another person who could talk to me and not least tell me in which direction to go. While these thoughts ran through my head, I glimpsed a movement and saw something emerging from the forest. With so many trees blocking my view, I couldn’t make it out clearly. But as the fgure came closer, it transformed into a small, human-like being. To my great surprise, I realized that I was looking at a kabouter. This was very strange: I had always thought that kabouters were invisible to human beings and tended to avoid people. But apparently, not this one!

WA L K IN G IN CIRCL E S

I rubbed my eyes in disbelief—a kabouter in the Siberian wilderness? But why not? I was in a region of the world known for its shamans. Maybe kabouters came into that category. After all, weren’t there sasquatches in Canada and yetis in the Himalayas? Hadn’t I seen for myself prints of bigfoots or abominable snowmen in the mountains of the Canadian province of Alberta? No question about it, what stood before me was a kabouter. And like most dwarfs of his ilk, he had a white beard and moustache and was wearing a red pointed hat, a blue tunic with a broad leather belt, khaki trousers, and large hiking boots. Obviously, this kabouter was well prepared for life in the wilderness. For his part, the kabouter was also staring at me. I wondered what was going through his mind. Whatever it might be, he said “Hello” and I said “Hello” back. Kabouter or no kabouter, I was very happy to see a living being. Not only had I been feeling lost, I had also begun to feel quite lonely. Truth be told, meeting a kabouter was much better than having a close encounter with one of the bears whose fresh footprints I had seen earlier. After a short silence, the kabouter asked me the obvious question. “What are you doing in these woods? Why are you here?” I replied, “I wanted to get out into nature. Spending time in nature has always helped me clear my mind and understand better what’s important in life. I have always found that being in wild places also helps me to think. I thought that the wilds of Siberia would be as good a place as any to fnd myself.” The kabouter remained silent while I said all these things. Concerned about his silence, I added, “Of course, I have tried other ways of gathering knowledge, like reading books, taking seminars, having exchanges with scholars, but it hasn’t been enough. I’m still searching.” Even though the kabouter said nothing, I was already wondering whether this meeting was an opportunity to acquire greater insights about myself. Perhaps it was my good fortune to have met him. Kabouters are said to possess great wisdom. Perhaps he could guide me. Perhaps I could learn from him. So, I added, “I wonder if you could help me—not only to fnd my way out of this wilderness, but also to bring greater clarity to the wilderness in my mind—help me to fnd answers to the many questions I have about life.

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Perhaps, given my state of confusion, you could help me fnd out what’s important to me at this stage of my life.” Still, the kabouter said nothing. To get a reaction, any reaction, out of him, I asked him, “Why are you in these woods?” His answer was brief and simple. “I live here. This is my home.” Given the fact that I was lost, I decided to be more practical. I asked him, “Do you know where we are? Can you help me orient myself? Although I have a vague idea where I am, I am not completely sure. Don’t get me wrong. I don’t think that I’m really lost. And even if I were, I usually manage to fnd my way out. I am quite good at taking care of myself.” But who was I fooling? Hadn’t I gone into the wilderness to fnd myself and gain a better understanding of what was important to me? Furthermore, being physically lost was one thing, but being psychologically lost was a very different matter. I reminded myself of everything I had heard about kabouters and decided to ask for his help to fnd my way out of the wilderness—whatever that wilderness might be. So, I asked him once again, “Can you help me?”

2 THE OPEN MIND

In answer to my question, the kabouter simply looked at me, smiled, and disappeared into a cave that I now noticed for the frst time. But he didn’t stay away for long. Very soon, he returned with a bottle and two cups. I thought that looked like a good sign. He wasn’t ignoring me. I was also happy that he was bringing something to drink. The long hike had made me very thirsty, and my Thermos had been empty for some time. The kabouter must have noticed that I looked somewhat run down. Making himself comfortable on one of the wooden logs in front of the cave, the kabouter put the two cups on a small table and gestured to me to sit down. Then he began to pour what looked like herb tea into the cup that he had put in front of me. But most oddly he kept on pouring even when the cup was overfull. “Stop!” I cried out. “What are you doing? The cup is full!” But the kabouter just kept on pouring. Why was he doing that? What was going on? Gradually, it dawned on me that the kabouter was trying to tell me something. Did he think my cup was already full?

DOI:10.4324/9781003452867-3

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As if he had read my thoughts, the kabouter said, “I’m a storyteller. I like to offer insights to whoever cares to listen to me. You tell me that you want my advice. But are you sure that I can tell you anything? Are you sure that your cup isn’t already full? You say that you are lost but the way you talk to me, you seem to be telling me something quite different. Could you be like this cup, full of your own opinions? You realize, I cannot teach you anything unless you empty this cup? What I am telling you is that you should be prepared to admit that there are many things that you don’t understand but truly want to learn. You will have to accept being in a state of not-knowing. I’m trying to tell you that it is diffcult to learn anything if you already believe you know it all. Preconceived ideas and prejudices will prevent you seeing what really matters and differentiating between what’s true and what’s false. To put it bluntly, you should learn to open your mind before you open your mouth. You must unlearn before you can learn. But if you’re open to new possibilities, you will be surprised at what you are able to fnd.” After which, the kabouter got up and turned back towards his cave. I ran after him. Even though I was confused I liked what he had said. I realized that there was much to learn from the kabouter. He could be a source of wisdom. I had been lucky to meet him. I remembered the old saying that talking with a wise man for one minute can be more inspiring than reading books for many years. I said to the kabouter, as earnestly as I could, “I would love to learn the things you know. I would love to acquire some of your wisdom. Would you be willing to teach me?” The kabouter just sat there, not saying anything. Somewhat intimidated, I added, “Is it going to be diffcult? Do you have any idea how long it will take to acquire some of your wisdom?” The kabouter’s reply was short. “A long time.” I looked at him and said, “But I don’t have that much time. I don’t want to stay in this wilderness forever. I would like to master some of your wisdom as soon as possible. I’m prepared to work very hard, and study with you for many hours. How long will it take then?” The kabouter thought for a moment, smiled, and said, “It will take even longer.” Looking at my surprised face, he added, “At times, when you try too hard, you just get in your own way. Too much hurry will only make you

T HE O PEN MIND

anxious and confused. It will not open your mind. It will just prevent you from having a deeper understanding. Some thoughts have to develop naturally. Some thoughts take time. And that’s very true when it comes to wisdom. Acquiring wisdom will take a lot of time. You can’t rush true learning. You must take it one small step at a time.” This wasn’t exactly the response I wanted to hear. I had hoped for another answer. At the same time, what he said rang true. It made me even more eager to learn from the kabouter. But the time dimension bothered me. I still wondered how much time it would take. I told the kabouter, “Time is fnite, and I may already have reached my expiration date. At this stage of my life, I am conscious of the time remaining. Time is so important—isn’t that clear from the kind of language that we use about time? We kill time, we save time, we rob and get robbed of time, we lose time, we have all the time in the world. But time waits for no one. We may think we’re killing time while time is really killing us! And we can’t make up for lost time. The way we spend our time defnes who we are. For many people, it is their most precious resource. The way we use our time is a good way to show what’s really important to us.” It was clear from the kabouter’s face that he liked what I had said, so I decided to ask him about something that had been on my mind. I was not getting younger. Death, the stealth motivator, was very much with me. So, I asked, “What do you think happens to a wise person like you after death?” “How should I know?” replied the kabouter. “Because it’s clear that you know a lot,” was my answer. “Perhaps,” said the kabouter, “I may know a few things, but I am not dead yet. So, what do I know? Of course, I’m always eager to know what I don’t know. Knowledgeable people aren’t afraid to say ‘I don’t know’ when they are asked about things that they can’t know. The only true knowledge is knowing that we don’t know. If you don’t know something, you are free—free from prejudices and fears. Subsequently, you learn, and you convince yourself that you do know; until, somehow, whatever you know falls out of your hands—and you fnd yourself lost in a corner, discovering again that you don’t know a single thing about the world you live in. And there you go again. You can never know it all. Ignorance is a major part of the human condition. No matter how much you know, there’s always more to learn from everyone who comes your way. Therefore, you should always respect everyone for whatever knowledge they have. But coming back to

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your question about what happens after death—if you want to know what happens in the next world perhaps you should ask someone in the graveyard! He or she might know.” I didn’t know what to make of the kabouter’s confusing words. Was he making fun of me? He had a point in saying that life is about not knowing. But I didn’t really like not knowing while wandering in this Siberian wilderness. Was it not knowing that was making me unhappy? At the same time, would I be able to change my not knowing state? Could I learn to become more comfortable with not knowing? Perhaps, not knowing could lead me to do things I would never have done if I did know. Not knowing could be a great motivator. But thinking further, I realized that life is really about accepting and being comfortable with not knowing. Only then would I truly learn. I had a sense that within me there were many unexamined knowns, but I had diffculty recognizing their existence in my conscious thoughts.

3 THE SOUND OF ONE HAND

While I was thinking all this, the kabouter got up and turned again towards his cave. But before he disappeared, I managed to get his attention once more. “I apologize if I have made the wrong frst impression, but I really like learning. Walking around lost in the wilderness has taken me offbalance. I have not been completely myself. I may not have expressed myself very well.” The kabouter replied, “I realize that you want to get out of the wilderness, whatever wilderness you’re referring to. But being in the wilderness for some time might do you some good. It’s already gotten you out of your comfort zone. And even though it’s made you feel awkward and uncomfortable, it might also have created within you a greater preparedness to learn. So, while you’re here, I am willing to be your sparring partner. And although I like to be by myself, sometimes it is nice to have company. Being alone all the time has its limitations. I have learned from experience that having someone to talk to often provides me with new insights. That’s the

DOI:10.4324/9781003452867-4

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way I have always carried on learning. So, if you would like to, you can stay with me for a while.” I told the kabouter how pleased I was to accept his offer. Staying in a cave would be a new experience. I have lived in some strange places, and slept in tents, yurts, or just in the rough, but I had never stayed in a cave. The kabouter looked me over and said, “Let me ask you a question. While you were walking in the woods, did you hear the sound of one hand?” This question took me off-guard. Of course, I know what the sound of two hands is all about, at least when they clap. But the sound of one hand? What did the kabouter have in mind? His strange question puzzled me. Clearly, like he did with the cup of tea, he was trying to teach me another lesson. But what lesson? The kabouter knew how to throw me off-balance. Was he trying to trick me by asking me a question that had no answer? But how could I answer his question? To give myself more time to think, I walked around the open area in front of his cave. I heard birds singing and that gave me an idea. I walked back to the kabouter and, as I came close, I tried to whistle like the birds. “No, that will not do,” said the kabouter. “Completely wrong. That’s not the sound of one hand. That’s the sound of bird song. You didn’t get the meaning of my question at all.” What was he talking about? What could the sound of one hand be? Then, I heard water dripping from the small brook near the cave. I pointed at the brook, walked over, put my hand in the water, and let some of the water drip back into the stream. “No,” said the kabouter, “that isn’t it either. That’s the sound of dripping water. Try again.” Dejected, I sat down on the log in front of the cave and tried to concentrate. I listened to all the sounds I could hear, including my own breathing. I heard the sighing of the wind and called out excitedly to the kabouter. But that wasn’t it, either. From far away, I heard the cry of a raven. I pointed to the raven as it few by but neither that, nor the rasping of crickets, nor snapping my fngers, nor clapping my knee with one hand was right. The kabouter showed no reaction. Nevertheless, I didn’t give up. I kept on trying, pointing out different sounds that I could hear. Finally, in a state of deep reverie, I was unable to

T HE SO UND O F O NE H A ND

collect more sounds. It was as if I had reached a state of soundless sound. The simple fact is that one hand cannot clap; one hand cannot make a sound. Was the sound of one hand the sound of silence? If so, did it mean that I had understood the sound of one hand? I realized that the kabouter had presented me with a kōan. In Buddhism, a kōan is a story, dialogue, question, or statement used in Zen practice to provoke “great doubt” in the mind of the person to whom it’s directed. The answer to a kōan would go beyond logic. It seemed that this is what the kabouter was trying to do. If I could accept the nothingness of the sound of one hand, I would no longer need to intellectualize. Maybe the kabouter gave me the riddle because he wanted me to accept that his question had no meaning—something he realized I would fnd diffcult to accept, rational as I tend to be. Given my need to fnd logical explanations for everything, could I really tolerate that something had no meaning? Would I be able to acknowledge that the question the kabouter had asked me was not a reasonable one, that he was trying to get me offbalance by asking it? After all, we don’t have the physical capacity to hear the sound of one hand clapping. Was it the kabouter’s way of making me accept human limitations? Was he telling me that I should stop being so rational, that I shouldn’t overthink things? Perhaps, the question about the sound of one hand demonstrated the lack of logic in language and the limits of linear thinking—that meaning can become meaningless. It may have been the kabouter’s way of testing my willingness to entertain the unknown—to accept the meaninglessness of the question and take a frst step towards freeing myself from the need to intellectualize. Only by accepting the question’s nothingness would I be able to transcend simplistic rationality. And only by accepting the limitations of my thought processes would I be able to live in greater harmony with the world around me. It dawned on me that the kabouter could have been pointing out to me the limits of rational and discursive thought and pushing me towards a major paradigm shift. I should accept the kōan’s absence of meaning—that there could be many answers but no right answer. While these thoughts were passing through my mind, I wondered how often I had been the prisoner of my own concepts, reasonings, language, and logic. How often had I been judgmental? Clearly, it is not primarily the self that creates limitations, but rather how I think about the self.

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The moment I try to analyze a problem logically—like the actual sound of one hand, I begin to limit my thinking. I’m boxing myself in. As a result, I’m missing the entire objective of the teaching experience that’s given to me. Perhaps, to really to be able to learn, I need to abandon an ultimate dependence on what’s commonly described as rationality. Too much trust in rationality could make me irrational. At the same time, what seemed irrational would also have a rationale. I also wondered whether too much rationality would prevent me from enjoying life. Albert Einstein once said, “Many of the things you can count, don’t count. Many of the things you can’t count, really count.” All too often, we emphasize rationality and reason but overlook or ignore the enormous value of intuition and instinctive wisdom. We demonstrate a more practical rationality, not through a commitment to fxed ideas, stereotyped procedures, or established concepts, but incidentally, and on the occasions when we change our ideas, procedures, and concepts. Clearly, like the lesson of the cup of tea, I needed to be more fexible in my way of looking at things. While my mind was working overtime, I realized that I was engaged in a lot of action without action. Many thoughts, sensations, feelings, and memories were going through my mind, creating much silent noise in my search for answers. It seemed that the “sound” I had been searching for was not the sound of one hand, but the sound of all the thoughts going through my mind, the sound of my inner world. I realized that the unreasonable nature of the kabouter’s question had had quite an impact on me. It had taught me a lesson about the inadequacy of logical reasoning.

4 DEEP LISTENING

I also realized that the kabouter had been pointing out to me the importance of deep listening. The strangeness of his question had made me listen as I’d never done before, not only with my ears but also with my entire being—eyes, skin, bones, and heart. It could have been the kabouter’s way to encourage me to be more sensitive, more intuitive. But could he also have been pointing out that careless talk would lead to trouble, that in trying to solve the riddle of the sound of one hand I might have been a blabbermouth. As if he had read my thoughts, the kabouter said, “He who keeps his mouth shut will get less trouble. He who blinds his eyes will get into trouble.” Exasperatingly, the kabouter was presenting me with a new riddle. He certainly wasn’t making life easy for me. His communication style left a great deal to be desired. I wished he would be less enigmatic. I could do with fewer Zen-like riddles. At the same time, I realized that if any relationship is to stand the test of time, solid lines of communication have to be

DOI:10.4324/9781003452867-5

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established so that both parties feel fully understood. But for that to happen, both parties needed to know that a safe space had been created where they could voice their true feelings. It also crossed my mind that I might not be hearing what the kabouter wasn’t saying. A lot can be said by saying nothing. But his way of confusing me might be the give-away: He was certainly good at that and, clearly, I wasn’t doing too well at making sense of what he had to say. But I also knew that what people don’t say often tells you more than their words could. The art of reading between the lines is one of the main achievements of the wise. But even though that is true, the opening dance in any form of communication tends to be verbal. Listening to what they say is the beginning of understanding what’s going on inside other people. After all, if they don’t tell you their thoughts, feelings, and experiences, communication is reduced to a mere guessing game. These thoughts brought me back to how well or otherwise I was communicating with the kabouter. Plato once said, “Wise men speak because they have something to say; fools because they have to say something.” I was well aware that constant talking isn’t necessarily communicating. We tend to take communication for granted because we do it so frequently, but it’s actually a highly complex process. During my life, I have come to realize that communication is a sine qua non for strong relationships. Conversely, a lack of communication leads to insecurity, misunderstanding, mistrust, and doubt. The way we communicate ultimately determines the quality of our lives, not only how we communicate with others but also how we communicate with ourselves. If I can communicate effectively with myself, I’m more likely to make wise decisions. Of course, clapping is a form of communication—an attempt to transmit approval. It can create a kind of interconnectedness. But one hand? Just as a lone hand cannot clap, a lone person cannot live. It is only through building relationships that we exist. Without creating some form of interconnectedness, we are all alone. And as I have learned from personal experience, loneliness can be experienced as a form of death. So, the sound of one hand could also represent loneliness—that there is nothing outside my own universe. I tried to convey these thoughts to the kabouter and he looked quite pleased. He seemed a bit more interested in having me for company. I was even more encouraged when he asked me to say more about why I was in the wilderness.

D EEP L IS T ENIN G

I replied quickly, “As I said, I have been walking in this wilderness as a way of getting to know myself better. The wilderness always inspires me. Perhaps it is also an aesthetic experience. Aesthetically, spending some time in nature might give me some new ideas about the best way to live.” Strangely, the kabouter responded, “The way you fnally dealt with my riddle, it looked like you already have your own treasure house. Why do you have to search outside? Why do you need to get away from where you live? Why do you have to go into the wilderness? Don’t you think you have enough inner resources?” Treasure house? He was confusing me again. I blurted out, “What do you mean by treasure house? Where is my treasure house?” The kabouter’s immediate response was, “What you’re asking for is your treasure house.” He went on, “If someone is talking, you would do well to listen very carefully. Always remember that you have two ears and only one mouth. And as far as listening is concerned, the same is true when it comes to listening to yourself. When you’re talking, listen carefully to what you are saying. Listen to your own treasure house. Sensible people only share half their opinion. The wise use their words very sparingly. To clarify what I mean, let me tell you a story.” “There was once a turtle who lived in a small pond together with two wild geese. The geese liked the turtle, which was very jovial and liked to talk a lot. All was well with the inhabitants of the pond until an extremely dry summer arrived. Because of the lack of rain, the water began evaporating fast and the pond got smaller and smaller. Eventually, the wild geese decided to move and fnd a better place to live. They went to the turtle and said, ‘We have another home far away with much more water, do you want to come along with us?’ To which the turtle responded, ‘How can I? You can fy but I have no wings.’ ‘Oh, we can take you along,’ said the geese. ‘But it will only work if you keep your mouth shut. You can’t say a word to anybody.’ The turtle didn’t see this as a problem. So, the next day, the geese came back holding either end of a stick in their beaks. They told the turtle to take the middle of the stick in its mouth. Then they few up with the turtle between them, holding fast to the stick.

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After a while they few over a village and some children playing outside saw them and cried out, ‘Look, there’s a turtle in the air. How strange! Look how the geese are carrying the turtle! What a crazy sight!’ This upset the turtle, which opened its mouth to point out that they were the ones who were crazy and oh dear! It dropped dead at the children’s feet. The geese few on, saying to themselves, ‘It should have kept its mouth shut. But it had to talk, and that cost it its life.’” The story of the unfortunate turtle was a good example of the advantages of keeping your mouth shut. Talking more than is necessary can be a barrier to effective communication. It prevents you from effective listening. It made me think of the Spanish saying, “If you keep your mouth shut, the fies can’t get in.” Opening your mind is a better option than always opening your mouth. I have learned from experience that there is a great difference between listening and simply waiting for your turn to speak. You never really listen if you are too eager to speak. By doing so, you don’t develop empathy towards the speaker. And as I have found out the hard way, it is diffcult to listen when you’re talking. In fact, the quieter you become, the more you hear. There is a great difference between listening and hearing. You cannot really make sense of other people unless you really listen to them. And as the story of the turtle emphasizes, deep listening is the cornerstone of wisdom. I remembered a proverb that said, “Listen to the wind, it talks. Listen to the silence, it speaks. Listen to your heart, it knows.” Was the kabouter trying to tell me to learn to talk less, and to listen more?

5 LOOK BENEATH THE SURFACE

The kabouter told me that it was his habit to take a long walk every day and asked me if I would like to go with him. I liked the idea. Walking together would be an opportunity to get to know him a little better. I felt quite refreshed and energized after our tea and was ready to get moving again. I nodded affrmatively. Initially, neither of us spoke while we walked. We were surrounded by spruce, pine, fr, cedar, and some deciduous trees. I was amazed by the antics of some fying squirrels—animals I had never seen before. The kabouter didn’t react when I pointed them out to him. He seemed absorbed in his thoughts. I decided to keep quiet. After all, I had done a fair bit of talking already and I needed some time to refect on the things he had told me. We walked, and then we walked some more. The only sound to break the silence was the far away hammering of a woodpecker. It must have been that sound that inspired the kabouter ask me suddenly if I had heard the story of the little girl and her drum. I told him that

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I never had. I was very interested in what he had to say, even as I wondered whether this would be another demonstration of the kabouter’s talent to confuse me and catch me off-guard. After a short pause, the kabouter said, “There was once a little girl who banged a drum all day and all night. Nothing anyone said would stop her drumming. It started to drive everybody crazy. After a while, the villagers had had enough. One by one, they went to the girl and warned her that she was damaging everybody’s eardrums. They also reminded her that drums should only be used for sacred ceremonies. They offered her books to read and games to play. But nothing worked and the girl continued drumming. Fortunately, just as the people in the village were at their wits’ end, a wandering sage came by. After listening to the villagers’ tales of misery, he looked at the girl and said, ‘I wonder what’s inside that drum?’” “What do you think that story is about?” the kabouter asked me. After some thought, I said, “If you look beneath the surface, you may begin to rethink things you have taken for granted for most of your life. Many of the ways we behave or act are beyond our conscious awareness. However, if you pay attention to what is happening inside, you may fnd new ways of making sense of what’s really happening.” The kabouter was visibly pleased with my comment. “Yes,” he said, “always try to look beneath the surface. You need to go beyond appearances in search of the truth. You need to pay attention to the real issues that underlie whatever is in front of you. Always, before deciding what to do, try to look at the matter from all angles. You shouldn’t be fooled by superfcial sparkles that can blind you. These are merely fuff. In fact, to understand why people do what they do, you need to see what’s not directly visible. You need to understand what’s happening beneath. However, I may be confusing you. You haven’t heard the end of the story.” “The sage handed the head of the village a hammer and when he hit the drum it burst open and a deadly snake fell out. The villagers hadn’t understood that the girl was trying to tell them something. It made them realize that appearances can be deceptive. It is important to consider that there might be snakes hiding under the surface.” The kabouter’s story made me think how often I had ignored what my unconscious had been trying to tell me; how often it had been simpler to

LO O K B ENE AT H T HE SURFACE

just let things be and not pay attention to what was really going on. But I also realized that this kind of neglect had gotten me into trouble. I recalled how I would ‘act out’ certain kinds of behavior without giving any thought to where they came from. Obviously, this was not the way to go. What I needed to do was to acquire greater ‘night vision,’ to see things more clearly, so I would be more conscious of what I was doing. The psychoanalyst Carl Jung said: “Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.” Often in life, you have a choice between falling and jumping. When you jump, you have a modicum of control over what’s happening to you. But falling gives you no options. In other words, your conscious mind can easily become overwhelmed by unconscious forces. Themes appear that you try to ignore and keep hidden. But this is taking the easy way out and ultimately it doesn’t work. Like it or not, those themes will pop up unexpectedly. Although understanding what’s happening under the surface takes much more effort, you will be more in control of your life if you do so. Your psyche is like an iceberg—most of it is below the surface and much larger than your conscious mind. You might think that you know yourself well, but you are probably fooling yourself. Most of this self-knowledge remains in your unconscious, which is a messy stew of memories, emotions, thoughts, and other processes you’re not aware of or can’t articulate. Your unconscious controls every little bit of who you are—the way you think, act, react, and what you believe. Neurologists make a distinction between the procedural and declarative unconscious. The procedural unconscious is the part of your long-term memory that’s responsible for knowing how to do things, among others, your motor skills. Declarative unconscious, or memory, consists of facts and events that can be stored and consciously recalled or ‘declared.’ From the beating of your heart to driving your car, you rely on your procedural unconscious. Think about the last time you drove home. Can you remember what you did to get there? You thought you were in control but in fact your brain was on autopilot. It was your procedural unconscious that got you from A to B. Your unconscious takes up about 95 percent of your brain power. It handles everything your body needs to function properly, from eating and breathing to digesting and creating memories. It also contains all the ‘scripts’ in your ‘internal theatre’ that control the way you think, what

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you believe, the way you feel, the way you act and react. It controls pretty much everything else that forms part of who you are. Most of your decisions, actions, emotions, and behavior depend on this. That’s not to say that reason doesn’t play a role in decision-making, but emotional factors play a much more important role. So how can you tap into these unconscious processes? While unconscious information, by defnition, does not make its way into your thoughts, it very often makes itself known through physical sensations. The more you tune into such physical sensations, the more access you’ll have to that enormous treasure trove of information stashed away in the dark recesses of your unconscious. Your dreams, too, can give you access to this dark, subterranean area in your mind. Remember that Sigmund Freud once said that dreams are the “royal road to the unconscious.” Your unconscious can also come to the fore through your actions. ‘Acting out’ is a defense mechanism in which repressed or hidden emotions are brought out in a negative way, typically as tantrums, addiction, and attention-seeking. Someone’s self-harming behavior could be interpreted as acting out a need to resolve an issue that they can’t deal with or articulate, for example, being sexually abused. The pain of cutting themselves distracts them from their thoughts and gives them a temporary emotional release. Acting out can potentially offer valuable insights into the scripts in someone’s inner theatre. In a way, it is paradoxical behavior, expressing unconscious feelings (in this case, pain) as well as defending against them. And although acting out reduces the discomfort of suppressed emotions, it doesn’t allow for real change or resolution of your problems. In your unconscious, you will fnd all the negative emotions and beliefs that mess around with your head, negatively infuencing your self-confdence, affecting your relationships with other people, and impacting the way you deal with the situations that are important in your life. Like it or not, your unconscious is also the container of all the limiting beliefs you have about yourself—beliefs that affect the way you live your life. From a developmental point of view, these negative beliefs and emotions were formed when you were very young and turned into scripts inserted into your unconscious mind, ‘imprinted’ through your interactions with your caregivers when you were too young to deal with diffcult situations

LO O K B ENE AT H T HE SURFACE

appropriately. At the same time, you tried to manage whatever happened to you as well as you could. However, what might have been adaptive responses at a young age may be inappropriate in adulthood. To create a high degree of self-awareness and self-knowledge, it is important to explore these inner scripts—thoughts like, ‘I’m not good enough,’ ‘I’m not smart enough,’ ‘I can’t do this,’ ‘I always mess up,’ ‘I don’t deserve this’—that contribute to feelings of negativity. Ignoring them is not the answer. Of course, you may have kept these repressed emotions at bay because your unconscious decided that your past experiences and memories were too intense or dangerous to handle. But while you keep these feelings deeply hidden within your unconscious, they may have a harmful physiological and mental impact—destructive ‘acting out’ is a good example of this. Only through self-awareness and self-knowledge will you be able to transcend the well-rehearsed pathways in your brain that are guided by your unconscious. Three regions in the brain are critical in making this happen: The insular cortex (processing sensory experiences), the anterior cingulate cortex (implicated in several complex cognitive functions, such as empathy, impulse control, emotion, and decision-making), and the medial prefrontal cortex (which plays an important regulatory role in numerous cognitive functions, including attention, inhibitory control, habit formation and working, spatial, or long-term memory). All these regions of the mind were embedded with memories, thoughts, and feelings when you were a child. These become part of your internal theatre or unconscious. You have been ‘programmed’ this way. But if you hang on to what turn out to be maladaptive early thoughts, your unconscious mind makes sure that they persist. That’s why it is so important to ‘reprogram’ these self-limiting scripts in your unconscious, discover what lies beneath them, and fnd more adaptive ways of dealing with life’s challenges. If the conscious and the unconscious parts of your mind aren’t in harmony, you’re going to waste vast amounts of energy. After all, it takes a lot of energy to keep things under the surface. Knowing how your conscious mind interacts with your unconscious is essential for living a life well lived. Once you make the effort to ‘wake yourself up’—that is, become more aware of whatever you do—you begin to live life more fully. Once you accept what you can do, and what you

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can’t, you will feel much more alive and have a much more hopeful outlook on life. This new integration is paramount for success, harmony, and balance. But if you don’t integrate your shadow side, it may take you into directions beyond your control. If you are unwilling to deal with these matters, it will become a stumbling block on your journey to selfdiscovery. It will impede your personal growth.

6 BEYOND APPEARANCES

The two of us kept on walking on a path that meandered gradually upwards. I was getting out of breath but the kabouter kept up the pace and didn’t seem fatigued at all. After a serious climb, when we were almost at the summit, we had a fantastic view of the valleys and forest below us. Among the trees I could distinguish Mongolian oak, linden, and maple and open patches of land full of blueberry bushes. In the far distance, I could see a female brown bear with three cubs feasting on the berries. The sight was a delight for the eyes. The clouds hung low in the sky, adding to the fairylike landscape. But we hadn’t reached the summit yet and, higher up, I was surprised to see a modest dwelling, surrounded by what looked like a small vegetable garden. The kabouter saw my surprise and said, “There is a sage living in that small house up there. Would you like to meet him? You might learn something from him.” I told the kabouter that it would be a pleasure. And even though I was quite tired, I added, “Let’s do it now. I’m ready to make the fnal climb.”

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The kabouter said, “Why don’t you go ahead. I will take a little pause here.” After the fnal, exhausting climb, I reached the summit. When I arrived at the yard in front of the house, I met an old housekeeper who greeted me at the door. “I would like to see the sage,” I said to the housekeeper. In response, the housekeeper smiled and led me inside. As I walked through the small house, I looked eagerly around, anticipating my encounter with the sage. But before I knew it, the housekeeper had led me to the back door and escorted me outside the house. I stopped and turned to him saying, “But where is the sage. I came here to see him!” “You already have,” replied the old man. I realized my mistake. There was no housekeeper. The old man wasn’t fnished yet. He said, “You should remember that everyone you meet in life, even if they appear insignifcant, could be a sage. It is important to pay attention and look beyond appearances. In life, you need to be able to recognize the things that really count. And that’s true for many things. Too many people search for love, happiness, or meaning but don’t recognize it when they see it. The same thing is true when you meet people. Be aware of frst impressions. Although they always have value, they may not be accurate. You may not yet be astute enough to read all the signs. On frst impressions, you might ignore some of the people you meet. You might not fnd them very interesting. But everyone you meet will know something about life that you don’t. So, don’t judge people until you get to know them a little bit better. Never judge people by their appearances alone. Any person you meet may surprise you. If you adopt this attitude, you will have a much richer life.” I thanked the sage for his advice and left him, still feeling embarrassed by our meeting, a fact that didn’t escape the kabouter when I walked back to him. He must have guessed what had happened, but he didn’t say anything. I sat down to admire the panorama once more and saw the sage was now walking towards his orchard. If I spoke to him again, perhaps I would get a second chance to fnd out more about him and his philosophy of life. I wanted to know what had made him decide to live so high on this mountain. How did he end up here? I got up and stopped him, and could think of nothing better to say than “Where do you come from?”

B E YO ND A PPE A R A N CE S

“I have no idea,” said the old man, smiling. “But where are you going?” I insisted. Again, he smiled at me and said, “I don’t know.” This was somewhat annoying, so I decided to ask him something very different. Why not present him with some existential questions? So, I asked, “What’s goodness?” “I don’t know,” was his response. “What is evil?” “I have no idea. Perhaps you know it when you see it.” “What’s right?” “Whatever feels good.” “What’s wrong?” “Whatever feels bad.” I decided that we were getting nowhere so I stopped and let him continue on his way—going nowhere, apparently. When I went back to the kabouter he asked me what had happened. I told him my story. I explained the uselessness of the encounter. The kabouter looked at me and laughed, “Don’t you think that you acted rather stupidly? It seems the sage was deliberately explaining the challenges of the human condition to you. Every day, human beings have very little idea of where they’re going, or of what’s right, what’s wrong, what’s good or what’s evil.” I realized that the lesson the sage was trying to convey was that I should become more aware of the imperfectness of the human condition. I should recognize human vulnerability. Many people are lost. They don’t know where they’re going. Furthermore, the world isn’t black and white. It consists of shades of gray. As human beings, we must all deal with ambivalence. We need to learn to live with our own contradictions and accept that the world is full of imperfections. Evil and bad things happen. Suffering is part of the act of living. And suffering will come to us all. Our challenge is how we will react to life’s challenges and inevitable setbacks. In the end, however we look at life, our mortality defnes the human condition. Death is the cloud that hangs over us all. Paradoxically, the knowledge that there is going to be an ending is also what makes us feel alive and motivates us to do something with the life that’s given us. That’s part of the mystery of being human. Of course, we like to believe, while we are around, that the human condition is improving. After all, it is hope that makes the human condition bearable.

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7 THE GOLDEN RULE

I was somewhat subdued as the kabouter and I walked back down the mountain. I kept thinking about my strange encounter with the sage. I believed that the kabouter had been testing me and that I had failed the test. I thought his silence was indicative of his displeasure. Fortunately, after a while, he spoke. “Do you want to hear another story?” I was very happy that he was willing to talk to me. Eagerly, I responded that I would love to—that I liked listening to his stories. The kabouter said, “This story may remind you of your encounter with the sage. It goes as follows.” “A poor man dressed in rags came to a palace to attend a banquet. Out of courtesy he was admitted. But because of his impoverished appearance, he was seated at the very end of the banquet table. By the time the various platters of food arrived at his seat, there was almost nothing left to eat. So, the poor man left the banquet without having had much to eat. But he returned very soon. This time, however, he was dressed in fne robes

DOI:10.4324/9781003452867-8

T HE GO L D EN RUL E

and jewels that he had borrowed from a wealthy friend. Immediately, he was seated at the head of the table. And with great ceremony, food was brought to his seat frst. The poor man said, ‘Oh, what delicious food I’m being served with,’ and as he did so, he rubbed one spoonful of food into his clothes for every spoonful he ate. A nobleman beside him, watching this eccentric behavior and disgusted at the mess he was making, said, ‘Sir, why are you making your beautiful clothes so flthy?’ ‘Oh,’ replied the poor man with a chuckle, ‘Forgive me if my robes now look the worse for wear. But it was these clothes that brought me all this food. Don’t you think it’s only fair that they get their share?’” I realized that the kabouter was teaching me another lesson about appearances and also about the importance of reciprocity—to treat others as you would like to be treated yourself. He confrmed this by saying, “Always do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Demand as much of yourself as you demand of others. And forgive others as freely as you forgive yourself. Also, consider the idea that it may be better for others to wrong you than for you to wrong others. And no matter whom you meet in life, always try to be courteous—be kind. Wherever possible, always strew around seeds of kindness. Some of them might grow into beautiful fowers. Kindness can beget kindness. Try to repay kindness with gratitude and repay your grievances with grace.” I was getting the message alright. I nodded affrmatively, but the kabouter wasn’t done yet. He added, “In fact, this simple notion about the ethical treatment of others has resonated through the ages. It is a concept that dates at least from early Confucian times. Religious teachers have been preaching it ever since. It appears in all the great faiths—Hinduism, Buddhism, Judaism, Christianity, Islam, and other world religions. What it means is that you should always recognize the dignity of your fellow humans. If you want people to treat you with respect, then you should make sure that you also treat them with respect. If you live the Golden Rule—when your aim is to treat others as you want to be treated yourself—it will become your principal guide to how to behave. And the Golden Rule isn’t very complex. As a matter of fact, it is a great simplifer. Nevertheless, it points out the underlying and guiding principle of all morality. Therefore, it is also called the ethic of reciprocity.

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The Golden Rule requires a degree of soul searching, however. Just refect on how your reactions are vis-à-vis different people. There are occasions when you may treat other people badly not because you don’t understand how they should be treated but because you don’t really consider them as individuals in their own right. You may even look at them as lesser beings. But studying your own behavior in greater depth, if you’re unpleasant to others, it may even suggest that you don’t like yourself very much. It may be indicative of a lack of self-compassion. This brings me to the question of empathy. If you want to practice the Golden Rule, you need to be able to put yourself in other people’s shoes. Doing so helps you to see things differently. It helps you to transcend negative emotions. And it helps you to forgive. In other words, living the Golden Rule will help you to live a more positive life. It is not a sacrifce. On the contrary, it is an investment in the future.” After having made that comment, the kabouter said, “Maybe you have had enough for the day. Let’s have something to eat, and then turn in for the night.” Sometime later, when he led me into his cave, I saw to my great surprise that the place was quite spacious and very comfortable, with a number of small rooms, one of which the kabouter told me to settle in. When I lay down on the bed, I had much to think about. It had been a very interesting day. I had got lost; I had met a kabouter; I’d accosted a sage; and now I was the guest of a small and very unusual person who was turning my mind inside out. I hardly expected to sleep but I did.

DAY TWO

8 MAKING PROMISES

I woke up very early in the morning. I tend to be a lark not an owl, if that’s an appropriate metaphor. Like larks, I’m certainly a morning person. However, when I stepped out of the cave, I found the kabouter already sitting outside, enjoying a cup of tea. He asked me if I had slept well. Then, he poured me a cup of tea, explaining that it had in it some of the rare wild ginseng that grew in the region. He said that it would lift my energy level. To the background of a cacophony of birdsong, the kabouter began to talk as if he’d never stopped the evening before. “Another important part of the Golden Rule is the fact that a promise is a promise. Keeping promises is an important part of all human relationships and that reminds me of another story that goes back to the time when animals were able to talk. It’s about a tiger that was on the prowl. It hadn’t eaten for a long time and was very hungry. Despite all its efforts to get something to eat, it had no success. Its failed attempts were exhausting all its energy. Creeping slowly across the jungle foor, hoping to surprise a deer or monkey, the tired tiger didn’t notice until too late that the ground beneath

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him was giving way. Suddenly, he was swallowed up by a deep pit, an animal trap laid by hunters. Even if he hadn’t been too tired to try, he knew that the pit was far too deep for him to get out. He realized that when the hunters returned, he would be killed. After some time passed, in which he could only think about his fate, the tiger heard a noise. When he looked up, he saw a monkey swinging from a branch above him. The tiger said, ‘Brother monkey, can you help me to get out of this trap?’ The monkey just laughed and said, ‘No, you tigers are always trying to eat me. Now, you know what it feels like.’ The tiger thought for a moment, then said, ‘If you help me, we will be friends. Think about it. When you are my friend, nobody will dare to harm you.’ The monkey gave the tiger’s comment some thought and liked the idea. It would make his life much less stressful. So, he lowered a branch into the pit and the tiger climbed out. When they were sitting both at the edge of the pit, the monkey said how nice it was to have such a strong, powerful friend. But just then, the tiger’s stomach rumbled, reminding it how hungry it was. The tiger grabbed the fat monkey, saying, ‘I’m going to eat you now.’ But the monkey said, ‘But you promised to protect me.’ The tiger replied, ‘It is the law of the jungle that the strong survive and the weak perish. I’m strong and you’re weak.’ And it squeezed the monkey even tighter. Just as the tiger was about to kill the monkey, a bear passed by, wondering what all the commotion was about. The monkey told the bear what had happened and that despite its promise not to, the tiger was going to eat it. The bear said, ‘What else is new? But what I don’t understand is how this little monkey was able to get you out of that deep pit. It seems impossible.’ The monkey and tiger assured the bear that it was true. ‘Ok, show me,’ said the bear. The tiger let go of the monkey which rapidly climbed into the tree while the tiger jumped into the pit. And the bear said to the monkey, ‘Let’s leave the tiger where he belongs and move on. After all, a promise is a promise.’” “Of course,” the kabouter noted, “What this story highlights is the importance of keeping your promises, of being truthful. When you make

M A K IN G PRO MISE S

a promise, you are expected to keep your word—to deliver. Promises are all about fulflling your commitments. After all, people will judge you not only by what you say but more importantly by what you do. You are only as good as your actions. Always remember that words hold immense power. They can have a remarkable emotional impact and they can have serious consequences. The impact of a promise is considerable. The way you deal with promises can win the hearts and minds of people to a cause or have them crash into the depths of despair. In the right or wrong hands, words can even start or end a war. Furthermore, the way you use your words very much refects your character. If you’re constantly saying that you’re going to do something and don’t follow through, your words become meaningless. And if that’s not bad enough, if you don’t keep a promise to someone, it also tells that person that you don’t value him or her. What’s more, it communicates not only how you value others, but also how you value yourself. It says something about your own values. Other people could think that you have no selfrespect. Thus, every time you fail to keep your word, it not only affects others, it also affects you. In other words, if you break a promise, you are telling yourself that you don’t value your own words.” I had pretty much got the message but the kabouter was obviously just getting into his stride. Keeping promises seemed to be something close to his heart. “In this context, trust also comes into the equation. Trust is strongly backed by the belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of doing what you have promised. You want others to trust you just as much as you want to trust them. In fact, by keeping your promises, you’re making an investment. You’re building trust. If people know that you have kept your promises in the past, they will trust you in the future. You are seen as reliable. Also, by behaving in this manner, you will be honoring yourself as a person of value, not feeling disappointed in yourself. You will not let yourself down. In addition, acting on your promises will contribute to a sense of self-effcacy. You will be seen as someone who gets things done, not just someone with good intentions. And other people will value such behavior. Again, their confrmation that you’re considered a person of value will be a great boost to your self-esteem. In other words, if you want to improve the image you have of yourself, you should keep your promises.

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Conversely, by not keeping your promises, you will develop a bad reputation and lose other people’s trust. They will no longer believe in your reliability. And without trust, a relationship doesn’t mean very much. People don’t feel comfortable around someone who they can’t trust. And as you must know, once trust is lost, it is very hard to get it back. Of course, you may get away with letting someone down once or twice. But when it turns into a habit, the consequences will be deep and enduring whether you’re doing it intentionally or not. Also, it may erode your confdence in yourself. A part of you (whether consciously or unconsciously) is painfully aware of the fact that your promise has remained unfulflled. So, even though part of your brain could be pleased by thinking that you have pulled a fast one, the other part will be left with a lingering sense of dissatisfaction. Deep down, you know that you have let someone else down. At an unconscious level, these feelings will eat away at you and sap your energy. To all intents and purposes, you could compare broken promises with distorting mirrors at a fair. Therefore, don’t just make promises to others. The most important person to make promises to is yourself. You’d better realize that keeping promises can be hard work. It’s easy to make promises, but it tends to be hard work keeping them. So, consider carefully what it implies when you make a promise. You should only make promises that you know you can keep. If you want to set yourself up for success in keeping your word, you must consider your time and responsibilities, as well as your limitations. If you’re not sure that you can keep promises, don’t make them. Always refuse to make a promise that you can’t keep. A graceful refusal is a much better option than just agreeing, knowing that you can’t deliver. In other words, delivering on a promise is as important as making one.”

9 INTEGRITY

The kabouter wasn’t fnished yet. He’d obviously hit a rich seam of material that he was determined to mine. I was starting to get used to a certain obstinacy in his manner. Now he said, “As we’re discussing promises, here’s another story.” “A man was visiting a city where a building was under construction. In front of the building a sculptor was working busily on a statue. The visitor was surprised to note that it was exactly like another statue that was lying close by. He asked the sculptor, ‘Does the building need two similar statues?’ ‘No,’ said the sculptor. ‘Only one, but the frst one got damaged when it was almost fnished.’ The visitor looked carefully at the statue that was lying on the ground, but he couldn’t see any obvious damage. ‘I can’t see anything,’ he said. ‘Where is the damage?’ ‘Don’t you see it? There’s a small scratch on the back of its head,’ said the sculptor, continuing to work on the new statue.

DOI:10.4324/9781003452867-11

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‘Where is the statue going to be?’ asked the visitor. The sculptor pointed to a pillar that was approximately seven meters high. The visitor said, ‘But from that distance, nobody is going to see that little scratch!’ The sculptor’s answer was brief, ‘But I know it’s there. It’s a matter of integrity and self-respect.’” “So,” the kabouter said, “that brings me to the question of integrity. What does integrity mean to you?” I replied, “It means aligning your conduct with what you think is correct behavior.” I added, “It is a close cousin to keeping your promises.” “Very good,” said the kabouter. “Like keeping your promises, integrity implies consistency between your actions, values, methods, and principles. Having integrity is more than being honest or reliable—it means maintaining that consistency, whatever the circumstances. It means uncompromising adherence to strong moral and ethical principles. As Albert Einstein said, ‘Whoever is careless with the truth in small matters cannot be trusted with important matters.’” The kabouter went on to explain that the word integrity stems from the Latin ‘integer,’ which means whole and complete. “As a person of integrity, you are honest and frm in your moral principles. You’re upright. You always seek to refect high ethical standards. You try always do the right thing. You act in accordance with what you think is right or wrong. Integrity also means that you make a great effort to be trustworthy— to communicate the truth without deception. In other words, you try to live without duplicity and hypocrisy. It means making a commitment to yourself. It shows that your actions match your words, that you will honor your commitments. Your conduct will refect your character. People with integrity don’t just practice what they preach, they are what they preach and by that I mean that they tell themselves the truth. When you live a life of integrity, you will not feel shame or reproach. You’re investing in your self-esteem. You will give an example to others. You could become their role model. Of course, being a person of integrity doesn’t mean that you’re perfect. Never try to be perfect. The search for perfection is an invitation to disaster. You need to accept the idea of being good enough, a work in progress. You are in the process of becoming. People with integrity are prepared to

IN T EGRI T Y

say, ‘I was wrong,’ or ‘I don’t know.’ Admitting your defciencies can be the frst step toward changing them. It means that you’re willing to work on yourself to do better next time, which is also a demonstration of integrity. You’re not pretending to be something that you aren’t. Whatever you do, however, your motivation should be to do what’s right, even when it’s inconvenient to do so. When you make integrity a way of life, keep your promises and be true to yourself, there will be congruence between your feelings, thoughts, words, and actions. It has been said that integrity is doing the right thing, even when nobody is watching. That sums it up, really.”

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10 HYPOCRISY

The kabouter was clearly on a roll. I began to wonder what he did when he had no one to talk to. “The opposite of integrity is hypocrisy, of course. People are hypocritical when they pretend to be something they’re not, or pretend to believe in something when they don’t, or pretend to value something that they think is rubbish. In other words, their words and actions don’t align with their true values and beliefs. They pretend.” After a short silence it was clear that that kabouter felt another story coming on. I was happy to listen. I was fnding that I enjoyed his stories more and more. “Long ago, there was a famous thief known by everyone in the land. He was so talented that he was never caught. One day, when he was quite old, he went to buy bread but on going to pay he realized that he had forgotten his money. Reverting to his old habits, he stuffed the loaf of bread in one of the large pockets of his coat. This time, however, he was out of luck.

DOI:10.4324/9781003452867-12

H Y P O CRIS Y

A patrolman happened to be in the store as well and saw what had occurred. The patrolman said, ‘I know who you are! You are the famous thief, fnally caught in the act! You’re under arrest!’ And he took the thief to the prison. Once he was in the prison, the thief told the guard, ‘I’m going to get out of here.’ But the guard laughed, saying, ‘Nobody has ever gotten out of this prison,’ to which the old thief responded, ‘Just watch me.’ The next day, the thief told the guard, ‘I have a special gift for the king. He will be delighted to receive it.’ At frst, the guard ignored the thief but after thinking for a while, he decided that he could be in trouble if the king heard that someone had a gift for him and he hadn’t received it. So, the next day, the guard took the thief to the king’s throne room where the king was with his prime minister, the supreme commander of his armed forces, and the country’s most senior bishop. The king said, ‘I’m very busy and I haven’t much time. Just show me this wondrous gift.’ The thief bowed and held out a small and beautiful box. When the king opened the box, he scowled. He said, ‘Is this the wondrous gift? It looks like a cherry pit.’ The thief said, ‘Your majesty, it may look like a cherry pit, but it is much more than that. If you plant this pit, it will grow into a tree in just one day. The next day, it will be covered with fruit. And by the third day, each cherry will turn into a piece of solid gold.’ ‘So why haven’t you planted it yourself?’ asked the king. ‘Ah!’ sighed the thief, ‘I wish I could, but I’m not deserving. You know my history. The only way the magic works is if you have a pure heart. You must never have lied, stolen, cheated, or hurt someone. And as you know, I have not led an exemplary life. The magic will not work for me. But you are the king, so I’m sure it will work for you.’ The king looked at the cherry pit, thinking of the many occasions he had lied and cheated and all the times he had done badly by his subjects. He told the thief, ‘No, I don’t think I’m the right person to plant this cherry pit.’ And he gave it back to the thief.

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‘I’m surprised to hear you say so,’ said the thief, ‘but what about your prime minister, who runs your government. A man of integrity, a man of principle. I’m sure he can make the pit grow.’ And he handed the pit to the prime minister. But the prime minister also had second thoughts, remembering the bribes he had taken, and the people who had suffered from his corrupt practices. ‘No,’ he said, ‘I’m not the one to plant it,’ and he gave the pit back to the thief. ‘This is very sad to hear,’ said the thief. ‘But I’m sure the general, the supreme commander of the armed forces, can help it grow.’ And he held out the pit to the general. But the general had had time to think about all the death and misery his warmongering had caused. He shook his head and refused to take the cherry pit. Finally, the thief turned to the bishop. He said, ‘Father, I’m convinced that you are the right person to plant this pit. After all, you represent the moral compass of the country. You set the example of how to live an upright life.’ And he pressed the pit into the bishop’s hand. The bishop looked at the miserable pit he held in his hand, thinking of all the times he had sinned, and how he had mistreated so many people. He realized that he was not the man of integrity who would make the magic work. He handed the pit back to the thief. Afterwards, there was a very uncomfortable silence. ‘Isn’t it strange,’ said the thief, ‘that the four most powerful people in the kingdom cannot make this magic happen. Yet, you all live the good life while I, a poor thief, am supposed to spend the rest of my days in a miserable prison just for having stolen a measly loaf of bread. Does that seem fair to you?’ The king broke the silence. He said, ‘Thief, you are right, it is not fair. You have taught us an invaluable lesson. And it has bought you your freedom.’ As they left the court, the thief looked at the prison guard and said, ‘I told you I would get out.’” The kabouter said, “All too often it is true that the people who talk most about their virtues are the least virtuous. Frequently, they’re anything but exemplary. In fact, these supposedly virtuous people frequently turn out to be real hypocrites. Of course, they’re very good at rationalizing their behavior.

H Y P O CRIS Y

They don’t just want to appear virtuous to others, they also try to convince themselves that they’re virtuous. But it’s as Plato said: ‘The most virtuous are those who content themselves with being virtuous without seeking to appear so.’” Once again, the kabouter had given me something to think about.

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11 GREED

The kabouter smiled at me and said, “Why don’t we go to the river and catch a few fsh for lunch?” I thought that was a great idea. I was beginning to realize how hungry I was. And I knew, having done much fshing before, that it was just the right time for the fsh to bite. There was a lot of surface activity in the river where the fsh were actively feeding. In no time, we had caught several hucho taimen—a variety of trout—which we grilled on a fre the kabouter had made. Relaxing afterwards, lying in the grass watching the ducks and geese fying overhead, the kabouter asked, “Do you think there is an inverse relationship between the number of prohibitions that are created and being less virtuous? Do you think it is true that when there are a lot of prohibitions, it’s tempting to be sinful? Do you think that excess invites transgression?” I suspected these were rhetorical questions and I was feeling full and lazy and didn’t attempt to respond. Sure enough, after a while, the kabouter went on.

DOI:10.4324/9781003452867-13

GREED

“Of course, in making this observation, I do realize that excess is part of the human condition. Take greed, for example, one of the deadly sins.” As usual, I struggled to remember the seven deadly sins. There was always one I missed every time I tried to list them: Pride, greed, lust, envy, gluttony, anger, and . . . oh, yes, sloth. Was the kabouter making a point about my lazing about after our lunch? But no—it was greed that he was interested in, although that might be just as pointed a choice. The kabouter began. “In many ways, greed and being greedy denote a selfsh or excessive desire for more than you need or deserve. Of course, in its most elementary form, greediness comes down to a craving for food. But it can also be applied to all strong desires, especially for money.” I knew what he was talking about. My own attitude toward money was very ambivalent. I always found it diffcult to ask money for my services. Greedy people always annoyed me. But how did he know that? The kabouter went on, “Of course, greed doesn’t always have to be negative. For example, you can be greedy for knowledge, fame, or praise. In a less attractive way, you could be greedy for personal power. But generally, greed is seen as a curse leading to destruction and devastation. Let me tell you another story.” “Once upon a time, long, long ago, there was a king who had a great urge to eat fsh. Somehow, a fsherman heard about the king’s wish and set out to catch him a fsh. He managed to catch a very large one, which he put in his basket and rushed to take to the palace. When he arrived, however, the guards refused to let him in. Fortunately, one of the king’s counselors was just entering the gates. When he heard what was happening, he said, ‘I’ll let you in, but you must give me half of what you receive from the king.’ The fsherman agreed and they went into the palace. The king was extremely pleased to get the fsh. He said to the fsherman, ‘Tell me what you want for the fsh. I will give you anything you ask for.’ The fsherman’s response was highly unusual. He said, ‘Your majesty, I would like ten whippings.’ Although the king was astounded by this response, he called his guard and told him to give the fsherman ten rather mild whippings. After the fsherman had received fve strokes he said to the guard, ‘Stop, please, and give the last fve whippings to my partner.’

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The king didn’t understand. ‘Who is your partner?’ he asked. The fsherman said, ‘Your counselor, your majesty, who asked for half of what you gave me when you received the fsh.’” The kabouter paused and asked me, “Do you think the king was amused?” “If I were the king,” I said, “I would certainly not be amused. I would be extremely disturbed by the greed of my counselor.” The kabouter laughed and went on. “I’m sure you know that greed is one of the most common features of human nature. It is bound up in concerns about wealth and power. It is the obsession to obtain things, not for the greater good of all, but for your own selfsh desires, often to the detriment of others and society at large. When you take an in-depth look at greed, you realize that greed isn’t really a fnancial issue. Greedy people can certainly be obsessed by money, but excessive greed is more accurately a symptom of a troubled mind. It is a disorder. For example, a husband once visited a wise man complaining about the stinginess of his wife. After listening to his complaint, the wise man asked him to bring his wife to him. Standing in front of her, the wise man held his clenched fst before her face. She was shocked by the gesture and asked, ‘What are you trying to tell me?’ The wise man said, ‘Imagine that my fst is always like this. How would you describe it?’ The wife said, ‘Deformed.’ Through the wise man’s gesture, she quickly got the message. She realized that the clenched fst was symbolic of holding onto things. It made her realize that her stinginess was deforming her and had become a kind of addiction. Often, people bewitched by greed appear to link self-worth with fnancial worth, usually at an unconscious level. Again, this can turn into an obsession. It makes these people focus on their personal fulfllment and satisfaction while ignoring broader societal norms and values. For them, getting more of everything seems to be all that counts in life. But when this happens, greed turns into an addiction. No matter how much these people get, it’s never enough. They always need more to shore up their fragile selfesteem. Like trying to fll a leaking bucket, it’s mission impossible. Eventually, the lives of these people are reduced to little more than a quest to accumulate as much as possible of whatever it is they covet and crave. Even though they may already have taken care of every reasonable need and more, they are utterly unable to redirect their drives and desires toward other things than accumulation. No wonder greed is accompanied by stress, exhaustion, anxiety, and depression.

GREED

As well as this, greed has larger, socio-economic implications. Greed is associated with unethical behaviors like deception, theft, fraud, and corruption. And while greed can drive the economy, it can also lead to disaster, as recent social history has shown. Unfettered greed precipitates deep, long-lasting economic recessions.” I was quite surprised to hear the kabouter, who apparently lived so very much out of the world, referring to social history. But he was clearly wellinformed, as he went on: “Remember the global fnancial crash of 2009? There, if you needed one, was an example of the impact of greed on the economic system. Unfortunately, despite the lessons learned from that event, the organizational drive to increase margins, lower costs, and improve productivity has continued unabated. The prevailing consumer culture continues to infict severe damage on the environment—we see it in deforestation, desertifcation, ocean acidifcation, species extinctions, and more frequent and extreme weather events.” The kabouter’s words struck home. He was touching on issues that concerned me deeply. But he wasn’t fnished. “Isn’t ironic how many people retain the fantasy that they could solve all their problems if they had immense wealth? People fool themselves so easily, believing that this fantasy might come true. This explains why so many people believe money can buy happiness. And although having enough money can undeniably make life more pleasant, having unlimited wealth achieves nothing. However, dreaming of acquiring more wealth is a powerful motivator.” The kabouter was certainly giving me plenty of food for thought, but I would have to digest it later, because he went on. “Humans are much greedier than other animals. This is partly because human beings have the capacity to project themselves into the future, to the prospect of their death and even beyond. The fact of our inevitable demise, however, gives rise to anxiety about things like purpose, values, meaning, and legacy. Whenever existential anxiety threatens to surface into their conscious mind, people turn to material artifacts—things—for comfort and consolation. And because that anxiety is ever present, it is never fully soothed, so the human animal immediately sets its sights on acquiring the next attractive thing. Human beings attach themselves to material objects, partly because they believe possessions will add to their prestige or reputation, but also because

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they think that material things are stable and permanent. But loss is inevitable, and consequently, their desire to acquire more and more things will bring them suffering. However, the kneejerk reaction to that suffering is to pursue possession even more. They become even more selfsh and end up harming others. This is why most fortunes come with a high price attached—a price inficted on others and on themselves. And sadly, in the end, they always lose what they’re trying to grasp. Human beings would do well to identify the root causes of their greed if they want to overcome it. But making such an inner journey isn’t top of mind for greedy people. They will be deaf to descriptions of the value of inner peace and the advantages of being wealthy in spirit because they don’t think of themselves as greedy. When we wail against greed, they think we are talking about someone else. In fact, greed is very diffcult to deal with because, from a societal perspective, ambition and success are seen as attractive. This pervasive cultural and materialistic attitude makes it unlikely that greedy people will acknowledge that their behavior is potentially harmful to themselves and others.” At this point, the kabouter seemed to have fnished, leaving me quite overwhelmed by all the ideas he had thrown at me. He must have realized this, because he said he could tell me a story of how greed can be an extremely destructive force, overtaking and corrupting someone’s character. “It is called ‘How much land does a man need?’ and was written by Leo Tolstoy. Do you know it?” I enjoyed the writings of Tolstoy, but I had to tell the kabouter that I was not familiar with this story. “The story is about a peasant who becomes fxated on the idea that his life will be perfect if he owned more land. Eventually, the obsession consumes him and he loses everything that really matters, including his life. One day he hears that for a price of one thousand rubles, he can walk around as large an area as he wants, marking his route with a spade. If he starts at daybreak and returns to his starting point at sunset, the landowners will give him all the land that he has marked. However, if he doesn’t get back to his starting point in time, he will lose his money and get nothing. The peasant is delighted. He is sure that he can mark out a huge area. The next day, he starts at dawn and stays out marking the land until just

GREED

before the sun sets. When he sees the sun setting, he realizes he is a long way from his starting point. Panicking, he breaks into a run and arrives at his starting point just as the sun sets. But the effort is too much for his heart, which gives out, and he drops dead right in front of the landowners. However, he receives the amount of land he is entitled to—six feet, just enough to bury him. Greed is an endless and exhausting effort to satisfy needs that are never satisfed. As the Persian poet Ruˉmˉı wrote, ‘Greed makes man blind and foolish, and makes him an easy prey for death.’”

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12 SELFISHNESS

I tried to reframe what the kabouter had said about greed, thinking about all the selfsh people I had met who also turned out to be greedy. I asked the kabouter, “How would you defne selfshness? How does it relate to greediness?” To my great surprise, the kabouter turned towards me angrily, saying in a harsh voice, “What a stupid question!” I was taken aback. Why had he reacted in this way? It seemed disproportionate to my question and I felt angry in return. I wondered if he could read my reaction in my face. Looking at me, the kabouter smiled and said, “Look at you! Aren’t you selfsh? Aren’t you self-centered? You readily accepted my irritation but it’s not all about you!” I realized what he had been telling me in a contextual manner and laughed. The kabouter said, “If someone comes to give you a gift and you do not accept it, to whom does the gift belong? An insult is like a toxic substance.

DOI:10.4324/9781003452867-14

SEL FISHNE SS

It will only affect you if you’re selfsh enough to accept it. You should be able not to take it as a narcissistic injury. Of course, people with a delicate sense of self-esteem will see things differently. Selfshness and narcissistic behavior are seeds from the same pod.” Then, the kabouter looked at me once more. After a short silence he said, “But the example I gave you may not be entirely appropriate. At times, however, you must welcome other people’s neuroses, you could learn something from them. Perhaps another story will explain better what I mean.” And he told me this tale. “Once upon a time, there was a very selfsh, greedy woman. She liked to keep things for herself. She didn’t believe in sharing or generosity and would never give anything to the poor. She cared only for herself. One day, while visiting another village on business, she lost her purse, which had thirty gold coins in it. She searched everywhere without success and told everyone she met what had happened before she returned to her own village. Luckily for her, a young girl found her purse as she was crossing a feld on her way home. When she arrived, she was told that the woman was its owner and she sent a message to say she had found the purse. The woman hurried back straight away. After counting out thirty gold coins, the woman said that ten coins were missing because her purse had had forty coins in it. She demanded the girl to give them back to her, but the girl refused. The woman took the purse with the gold coins, went to the courthouse and told the judge what had happened. After hearing her story, the judge sent for the girl and asked her how many gold coins she had found. She replied, ‘Thirty.’ The judge asked the woman how many gold coins had been in her purse, and she replied stoutly, ‘Forty.’ ‘Well,’ said the judge to the woman, ‘It is clear that the purse the girl found cannot be yours as it only had thirty coins in it.’ He turned to the girl and said, ‘You may keep the purse and the thirty gold coins but if anyone comes looking for them, I will send for you.’ Then he turned to the old woman and said, ‘If anyone comes to me and reports that they have found a purse with forty gold coins in it, I will send for you.’ When she heard this, the woman broke down and admitted that she had lied and that the purse with thirty gold coins belonged to her, but the judge would not listen.”

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It wasn’t diffcult to get the moral of that story. The kabouter wasn’t fnished yet. “My story shows that selfshness and greed are closely related, neither being attractive traits to possess. You won’t be amused if I tell you that you are selfsh. It implies that you’re concerned solely for your own personal welfare and have no concern for the needs, feelings, or welfare of others. You are unlikely to accept that you are selfsh. After all, as the American social reformer Henry Ward Beecher put it, ‘Selfshness is that detestable vice which no one will forgive in others, and no one is without himself.’ In fact, many selfsh people imagine they are more generous to others than they really are. They’re good at adjusting their memory to avoid feeling bad about their self-centered behavior. In other words, when people behave in ways that fall short of their personal standards, one way to maintain their self-image is to misrepresent their lapses. Selfshness will damage your reputation and affect your relationships with other people. Slowly but surely your selfshness will push people away. Eventually, you may become socially disconnected. You could end up as a very lonely person. Isn’t it ironic? Selfsh people try to get and keep things, but they lose people. Loneliness becomes the reward of selfshness. No wonder that selfishness has negative implications for mental health. Over time, it can contribute to anxiety and depressive symptoms. Having mutually supporting relationships is the key to your mental and physical health. Close relationships with others is one of the strongest predictors of a good life. It may even help you live longer. In contrast, selfsh people are far less likely to be happy than those who make efforts to make others happy. In fact, the absence of high-quality relationships in your life, due to your selfsh behavior, will affect your general well-being. In other words, if you pursue your own desires ruthlessly and selfshly, it will only bring trouble. Many selfsh people live under the illusion that relationships are a zero-sum-game. They don’t realize that the more they give, the more they get. The complication is that selfshness can result in short-term personal advantages. There are many instances where people looking out for number one beneft (at least temporarily) at the expense of others. However, in the long run, the returns diminish fast. Life is not about how much you acquire, but about how much you give away. The only people who don’t

SEL FISHNE SS

seem to suffer the cost of selfshness are people who genuinely don’t care about the well-being of others or their relationships with them. They are typically psychopaths and people with narcissistic personality disorders. Of course, there will be instances when you must think of yourself frst and then make the right decision. Sometimes, you need to be selfsh to be able to act selfessly. If you feel good about yourself, it will be easier to give to others. But while self-care for the betterment of others is one thing, selfpreservation at the cost of others is another thing altogether. Self-centeredness seems to be part of the make-up of Homo sapiens. The sad reality of life is that humans are ‘programmed’ to be more or less narcissistic. But looking at the course of human history, selfshness has also been the cause of most of the misery in the world. Indeed, President Harry Truman once said that ‘selfshness and greed, individual or national, cause most of our troubles.’ The world would be a much better place if we could eliminate selfshness. In fact, the true sign of exemplary leadership is the willingness to place the needs of others above your own. This world needs more selfessness, a willingness to put aside personal gains for the salvation of us all. We all can become heroic in a small way through selfess actions. It will always be your challenge to give more to the world than you take out.”

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13 GIVING VERSUS TAKING

I was relieved at this point to discover that my growing need for a break wasn’t entirely selfsh. It had been an intense few hours, and the kabouter was as ready as I was to return to the cave for a siesta. However, after walking only a short way, we saw movement and noticed a fying squirrel that was stuck under a fallen branch, making a desperate attempt to free itself. Without any hesitation, the kabouter reached under the branch to try to free the squirrel, which panicked and bit his hand. However, the kabouter tried to lift the fallen tree again, and again he was bitten. I could see from his face that the bites were painful. Nevertheless, the kabouter didn’t give up until he had lifted the tree enough to free the squirrel. I asked him, “After the squirrel bit you, why did you still try to save it?” “It is the nature of a squirrel to bite when in trouble. But it doesn’t change my nature,” the kabouter replied. “My nature is to be a helper.” His response touched me. Frankly, I was becoming increasingly appreciative of the kabouter’s wisdom. Even though he was making me uncomfortable at times, his refections were insightful. How could I thank him

DOI:10.4324/9781003452867-15

GI V IN G V ER SUS TA K IN G

and reward him for his help? What could I give him in return for being a guest in his cave? He had been treating me very nicely. Thinking of the modest circumstances in which the kabouter lived, I decided I should give the kabouter some money. Perhaps he could use it to buy some things that would improve his cave. I opened my wallet and handed some money to him. The kabouter said, “All right,” took it without another word, and carried on walking. I was put out. I felt he’d reacted as if the money that I had given him was no more than his due—and I had given him a fair amount. He could at least have thanked me and shown a modicum of gratitude. After all, he could do quite a bit with the money I’d given him. Looking at my face, the kabouter smiled, and asked, “Is something wrong?” I decided to tell him what I thought. “Even though I am fnancially OK, I gave you quite a lot of money. But you didn’t say thank you.” “Do you want me to thank you for it?” asked the kabouter. “Don’t you think that would be the right thing to do?” “But why should I?” asked the kabouter. “Isn’t it the giver who should be thankful? Aren’t you glad to give me the money?” Obviously, the kabouter was giving me something else to think about. Did it have to do with the impermanence of material things? Was he trying to point out that I should make more effort to understand what’s really of value in this life? I realized that giving him money was the wrong thing to do. The kabouter didn’t need money. Material things meant very little to him. He was already wealthy because he was content. He was far more interested in acquiring wisdom than riches. Perhaps he felt sorry for people who did not appreciate the priceless possessions they already had, like the beauty of nature, the pleasure of a person’s smile, or the love of someone. Or perhaps he was trying to teach me another life lesson, that giving makes you feel better than taking. Perhaps the people who feel best in their skin are not those who get more, but those who give more. I should have realized this much earlier in life. No wonder his reaction to my exercise in materialism was so cursory. As these thoughts ran through my mind, the kabouter asked, “Would you like to hear a story about giving and taking?” I said I would.

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“Well, there were once two children, a boy and a girl. The boy had a bag of marbles and the girl had a bag of sweets. When they saw what each other had, the boy told the girl that he would swap his marbles for her bag of sweets. The girl agreed and the exchange took place. But while the girl gave the boy all her sweets, the greedy boy kept the biggest and most beautiful marble for himself, saying nothing. That night, the girl slept peacefully, but the boy tossed and turned all night, wondering if the girl had kept back some of her sweets, like he had hidden his best marble. He didn’t sleep a wink. I guess I don’t need to tell you which of the two had the better deal.” As we walked on, the kabouter said, “Altruism, that is selfessness, spontaneous giving, is important. Because kindness to others has a stress reducing effect. It improves your emotional well-being.” I didn’t completely understand what he was talking about and told him so. “Giving to others has a range of benefts. Helping others doesn’t just make the world better for them, it improves your sense of self-worth and psychological well-being. When you help others, endorphin (the feel-good hormone) is secreted in your body, making you feel good from within. Altruism can even have a positive effect on your immune system. It’s a stress buster. Helping others will make you feel valued. People will want to be with you. And as a result, you’ll experience social connectedness— again, something that’s very good for your mental health. Obviously, voluntary acts, quite apart from helping others, can also alleviate loneliness and enhance your personal and social life, which will beneft your health, even increase your longevity, and make you feel happier. What’s more, when you do a good deed, it can cause a chain reaction, what’s called paying it forward. Kindness can be contagious. People who observe selfess acts feel inspired to do the same. This can have a ripple effect throughout a community, inspiring dozens of individuals to make a difference. If you are looking for greater meaning in your day-to-day life, volunteering will enhance your overall sense of purpose and identity— particularly if you no longer have a life-defning role, like raising a family or having a career. And a giving orientation will help in personal relationships, too. Providing support to spouses, relatives, friends, and neighbors reduces

GI V IN G V ER SUS TA K IN G

mortality risks. So, the more you give, the better you feel and the longer you live! Can you think of a better win–win situation? Of course, it’s possible to overdo it. There needs to be boundaries, whether you are a giver or a taker. For example, you need to take care that selfessness doesn’t tip over into ignoring your own needs, health, and well-being. Also, it would be a big mistake to think that taking is bad. Under some circumstances, asking for and receiving help can signal that others value and care for you. It may foster psychological dynamics that can beneft your health, well-being, and the strength of your relationships. However, being a receiver can also signal negative feelings of inferiority and dependence. Feeling that you have become a burden to others will have negative effects on your psychological well-being, physical health, and relationships. Always remember that a one-sided relationship is no relationship at all.”

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As the walk back to the cave was longer than we thought, we decided to sit down on a log at the side of a small river that fowed into a lake, looking at the salmon rising. It seemed to be spawning time. Far away on the shore of the lake I saw several bears scavenging on the carcasses of the spawned-out salmon. They walked around with their heads held high and steady and their broad, muscular chests thrust out like those of galloping horses. I sometimes caught sight of a bear briefy suspended above the stream, all four feet out the water as it leapt to pounce on a spent salmon. Rolling waves of heavy muscles rippled visibly, body-length, under thick coats of shimmering fur as their fashing claws and heavy feet hit the water. Occasionally, a bear was successful and left the stream with a fapping salmon in its jaws. Many birds followed the bears around, gorging themselves on the leftovers. From far away, I heard the howling of a wolf pack, a strong reminder of the remoteness of the place we were in. I wondered whether the wolves were getting ready to join the feast, but they were nowhere to be seen.

DOI:10.4324/9781003452867-16

HUB RIS

I was happy not to talk, with so much fascinating noise and activity around us, but the kabouter obviously found it diffcult to stop talking once he had begun because he suddenly said, “Let me tell you a very different story, touching on what we were talking about earlier. It’s about how being too helpful can end very badly.” “One day I was sitting outside my cave when a hawk accidentally dropped a lemming from its beak. It fell to the ground just in front of me. As the lemming was in poor shape, I nursed it for a while and it began to recover. A few days later, I noticed that the lemming was being stalked by a lynx. Clearly, it was going to be caught and eaten. I didn’t like that at all. After the effort I’d put in helping it back to health, I didn’t want to see the lemming become lunch for a hungry lynx. Like most kabouters, I know some magic, so I quickly transformed the lemming into a lynx, which solved the problem. However, soon afterwards I saw a wolf harassing the lemming-lynx, so I turned it into a wolf. But that only worked until a white-lipped bear turned up. To protect the lemming-wolf, I turned it into a bear. Now, I thought, the problem would fnally be solved. However, the lemming-bear wasn’t happy. Every animal in the area knew it was a pseudo-bear, so, despite what it looked like, the other animals still treated it like a lemming. But the lemming liked being a bear and wanted to be regarded as one, so much so that it began killing the animals that failed to respect it suffciently. Unfortunately, the lemming also knew that as long as I was around, there would be a permanent reminder of the lemmingbear’s history. I realized that I was the next thing on its hit list, so I turned it back into a lemming and told it, ‘Everyone, big or small, needs to remain thankful and humble for what they have.’ It’s important to nurture humility. Otherwise, it gives rise to hubris, which can be self-destructive.” “Do you know what hubris means?” “Yes,” I said, “it’s a Greek word meaning arrogance or excessive pride.” “That’s right. Have you heard of Narcissus?” I said I remembered the famous myth of the beautiful boy who fell in love with his own refection. “Exactly,” said the kabouter, “Like my lemming, Narcissus was full of himself and ultimately his arrogance got the better of him. Narcissus broke hearts left, right, and center and dismissed everyone who loved him, irritating the goddess Nemesis. In revenge, she led him to a clear pool where he was so smitten by the beauty of his own refection

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that he stayed gazing at it until he wasted away. He died from self-love, and ever since, people with a grandiose view of themselves, individuals who crave admiration, and who are so full of themselves that they lose perspective, have been called narcissists. Overconfdence, overambition, arrogance, and pride, fueled by power and success, are all qualities associated with narcissistic behavior. The need to feed their sense of specialness drives them to violate boundaries, ethical and otherwise. Specifcally, they think, rules are made for others, not for them. Narcissists tend to be emotionally shallow and are essentially devoid of all empathy or compassion for other people. However, their belief that they’re special makes it easy for them to rationalize their actions. Their deepest fear is to be exposed as nothing special at all. So, they do everything to shore up their self-regard. However much admiration they receive, it will never be enough. They will always need more. Sadly, many narcissists end up in leadership positions. Power can do strange things to anybody but its effects on narcissists can be devastating. Intoxicated by their success, praised by the media, they lose any sense of perspective and stop listening to others. They surround themselves with sycophants who will tell them what they want to hear. They seem to like being in an echo chamber. Because they believe that normal rules don’t apply to them, they over-reach and engage in reckless decisions with harmful, sometimes catastrophic consequences for themselves, their organizations, institutions, and even for society. When you look at the state of the world, you can see many of these narcissistic leaders in action, causing endless suffering and pain to multitudes of people. Hubris is an occupational hazard for leaders because it feeds on the isolation that can build up around them. The power distance, perks, and prerogatives of the offce—the importance of their position—impress the people around them. Therefore, given the toxic mixture of disposition and position that is characteristic of people in leadership positions, hubris is practically unavoidable. I’m not saying that all narcissism is bad. In fact, a solid dose of narcissism is needed to be an effective leader. It’s good to have a positive self-image, proper ambition, and authentic pride. Healthy self-confdence can be a virtue, but it is best enjoyed in moderation. If it morphs into excess, it can lead to poor decisions that put people and organizations at risk. Unfortunately, the difference between justifable and excessive self-confdence generally becomes evident only after the damage is done.”

HUB RIS

I asked the kabouter whether it is possible to identify hubristic people? “Oh, there’s a very simple test,” said the kabouter, smiling at me. “If you think someone is getting hubristic, ask them to name three other people who work in their feld of expertise and who are smarter and more capable than they are. Narcissists are unlikely to give you a quick answer.” I laughed, but I still wanted to know more about how to deal with excessive narcissism. The kabouter said, “If you are asking how to deal with your own potential narcissism, your greatest safeguard will be the ability to refect and develop self-awareness and self-knowledge. You need to be able to step outside of yourself, watch yourself from a distance, and see how your actions affect others. You need to take your time to take decisions, rather than engage in knee-jerk reactions. It’s also sensible to surround yourself with people who can help you stay grounded. You need people in your life who will tell you how things really are, even if what they have to say is unpleasant. The last thing you need is to function in an echo chamber. You need people who will hold you accountable when you do something wrong. It’s your responsibility to create an ambiance where people can disagree with you, a place where they feel safe to speak their minds. The roots of full-blown narcissism, which is a personality disorder, are complicated. They result in patterns of response to the outside world established by specifc dynamics in someone’s inner world. Briefy, narcissists feel terribly unloved. Deep down, they believe that they’re damaged goods and fear that other people will fnd this out and discover that they’re impostors. So, they compensate by charming people, who reinforce their shaky self-esteem, by admiring, praising, and agreeing with them. This is fne as long as it works but if the charm fails to work—if others don’t play their game—they can fy into narcissistic rage and become extremely intimidating. When narcissists can’t let go of their need to be admired or recognized, they feel compelled to invent a reality in which they remain special, despite all messages to the contrary.” This vignette was making me feel uncomfortable. I didn’t think I had a personality disorder but narcissism, as the kabouter described it, looked like the sort of trap anyone could walk into. So, I asked him, “Can you teach me humility?”

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His response was, “What a strange question! Are you kidding me? Do you really think humility can be taught? It has to be learnt, on the job. It should be practiced daily if you are in a situation of power and authority. And if you fnd you’re not making progress, you should ask yourself whether, deep down, you’re really interested in acquiring it. Humility is essentially a learning process. The most useful way to think of narcissistic behavior is that it’s an attention defcit disorder. Narcissists are emotionally crippled people addicted to attention from others and they are very diffcult to deal with. Metaphorically, they’re like sieves; no matter how much you put in, it will disappear. All I can tell you is that setbacks, personal or organizational, could be the catalysts that make narcissistic people willing to reconsider their behavior. Getting older, and becoming less physically capable, can also be a great motivator. Only when these people begin to realize that their signifcance is fading, will they be ready to do something about themselves.”

15 LIARS

We had fnally reached the kabouter’s cave. After a short siesta, we had something to drink and sat to watch the sunset. The kabouter said, “I have done a lot of talking but perhaps you won’t mind hearing one more tale about the dangers of hubris.” I had indeed done a lot of listening, but I said I was up for one more story. “There was once a king who was walking in the palace gardens with his courtiers when he stumbled over a blind person sleeping next to a bush. The blind person woke in a fury, yelling, ‘You clumsy idiot! You have eyes, don’t you? Can’t you watch where you’re going?’ One of the king’s courtiers shouted back, ‘You fool, your blindness is matched only by your stupidity! Since you can’t see, you should be extra careful who you shout at.’ ‘If you mean that I shouldn’t criticize the king, then it’s you who’s stupid.’ The king was impressed that the blind man realized that he was in the presence of the king, and that it was the king who had tripped over him, so he asked mildly, ‘Why should a king listen to your criticism, my friend?’ DOI:10.4324/9781003452867-17

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‘Because,’ said the blind man, ‘no matter who or how powerful a person is, shielding them from the criticism they deserve could lead to their downfall. Kings are too often surrounded by liars, people who tell them only what they want to hear.’” The kabouter continued, “Everyone lies from time to time and our lies vary, from innocent lies, when someone says they’re doing great when in fact they are having a terrible day, to serious lies from your loved ones or followers that have the potential to change your life. Of course, some people who lie do so with good intentions. An excellent example would be the white lies you tell to avoid hurting someone’s feelings. Why should you be brutally honest if it will cause someone pain? However, that sort of lie can only be a temporary solution to a permanent problem. Lies will not erase the truth, only delay its discovery. Even though the truth might hurt for a short while, the effects of a lie could last much longer. The truth is never as painful as the discovery of a lie. In fact, lying is an insult to other people’s intelligence. Inevitably, they will fnd out.” I did rather hope the kabouter had said all he had to say for one day— but he went on. “Although some people tell lies to protect the feelings of others, people also lie to protect themselves. They worry what will happen to them if they tell the truth. Most people lie out of fear. It’s an ancient response to threats of danger. If you want to take an evolutionary perspective on it, you could say that Homo sapiens has survived until today because your ancestors excelled at predicting and reacting to threats. Fear has always been the warning mechanism that there could be danger out there. And as the millennia unfolded, this ability to detect threats in their environment has served the human animal very well. It helped them to avoid dangers, from cave bears, to saber-toothed tigers, to hostile tribes. Of course, times have changed but there are still dangers out there even if they present themselves in different forms. There’s still plenty to be frightened of. However, it’s very easy to imagine a threat where no threat exists and send your fght/fight mechanism into overdrive for no reason at all. For example, if you think you have done something that will make someone angry, and want to punish you, you might lie to protect yourself. Lying starts very early in life. Think about when you were a child. You might have taken some cookies out of the cookie jar or broken a precious vase. You’re afraid to be found out and told off, so you lie. And the cookie

LIARS

jar or vase can lead to bigger things. You might lie to be like other people, or because you have something to gain from lying, or because you’re afraid of being seen as not good enough. It all has to do with the social need of wanting to be part of a group. You feel compelled to lie because you want to ft in. You may end up agreeing with things you don’t really agree with, or pretending to like something you don’t really like. In other words, you start lying to yourself. All things considered, if you are in a position of authority, if you have any sort of infuence or control over others, you should expect to be lied to regularly. People will suck up to you. They will fatter you. They will tell you what they think you would like to hear. They will pay you compliments. And, if they realize that you don’t want to hear bad news, they’ll make sure you don’t hear any. Then there are compulsive liars, psychopathic individuals who lie routinely because lying has become their survival mechanism. Dealing with these people can be very tough. Not only will you begin to wonder what’s true and what’s not, but they may also no longer be sure themselves.” I wanted to know whether you can tell when someone is lying. “Are there signs I should look out for? Is there some quicker way than laborious fact-checking?” “There are,” said the kabouter, “but they tend to be extremely subtle. Sometimes, body language is a give-away but that’s not a hard and fast method because cultural factors can affect it. However, there are some general involuntary signs, like eyebrow movement, facial expressions, breathing rate, pulse rate, blood pressure, sweating, appearing nervous and jittery, excessive facial touching, lack of eye contact, and verbosity.” “That makes it sound as though lying can have negative physical and psychological effects on a liar,” I said. “Of course,” said the kabouter. “Generally speaking, lying isn’t good for your mental health. Unless you’re a pathological liar, carrying your bullshit around all the time is highly stressful. Obviously, you have to remember everything you’ve said and not many people have the kind of memory that enables them to remember all their lies. The anxiety this causes adds to a liar’s already considerable feelings of insecurity. Also, they will inevitably get caught out sometimes and other people will begin to distrust them. That won’t help their mental health. They will become increasingly paranoid that other people might be lying as well.

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Lying can be very destructive. After all, the most important character trait people look for in others is trustworthiness and for people in leadership positions, honesty really is the best policy. Mutually trusting relationships create feelings of safety, which means people will be less anxious and feel free to share positive and negative information without the fear of reprisal. Unfortunately, all the serious negatives about lying are magnifed in political life. Populist leaders in particular are more than ready to tell their constituencies what they want to hear even when they know it’s far from the truth. And the most dangerous among them are those who start to believe their own lies.” There was a long silence and I realized the kabouter had actually stopped talking. Was it possible that he needed a rest? Although I enjoyed listening to him, I had found two days of being his sole audience pretty demanding, so how must he feel, as the sole storyteller? So, I said, “Let me tell you a story now, about honesty. It’s an old one but a good one. I expect you know it already but here goes.” “Once upon a time, when there were still empires and mighty emperors, there was one emperor who was extremely vain and very full of himself; a large, soft-bodied man who spent a lot of time admiring himself in mirrors and perfecting his appearance. His great passion was for beautiful clothes, and he would change his outft several times a day. Everyone in the land knew about this and his courtiers knew that they had only to praise what he wore to have him purring like a big cat and ready to do anything they suggested. One day, two men came to the court presenting themselves as master weavers who made a marvelous cloth that was not only exceptionally beautiful but also had magical qualities—any clothes made from it would be invisible to stupid and ignorant people. Of course, the cloth was very expensive, but the emperor didn’t care about that. He gave the men a large bag of gold and set them weaving inside the court. For several days, the weavers sat at their loom, working away. The courtiers who checked up on them every so often were dismayed to realize that they couldn’t see any cloth but, of course, believing that people would think they were stupid and ignorant, they said nothing. On the day that the weavers were due to ft the emperor with his magnifcent new clothes, he was so excited that he organized a grand procession through the capital to show himself to his subjects. But when he

LIARS

turned to the mirror, he was aghast. He couldn’t see anything. Of course, he was not about to admit that he was ignorant or stupid, so he thanked the weavers for their wonderful work and set off to greet his people. As he walked through the streets, a disbelieving murmur could be heard on all sides, quickly dying away as people remembered that the wonderful new clothes were invisible to the stupid and ignorant and chose not to believe what their own eyes were telling them. Then suddenly there was a peal of laughter and a small boy could be seen jumping up and down and shouting gleefully, ‘Look, look! The emperor’s got no clothes! The emperor’s got no clothes!’ And of course, he hadn’t. Soon the whole crowd was laughing and repeating the boy’s words. The emperor, standing naked among his people, realized he had been taught a valuable lesson and turned back to the palace to teach the weavers another. But they were long gone, with their loom and his large bag of gold.” The kabouter gave a small smile. “You tell a good story,” he said, reaching for his fshing rod. “Fish again for supper?”

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16 WHAT’S ALL THIS GOSSIP ABOUT GOSSIP?

When we were back in the cave, preparing the fsh, I asked the kabouter for some specifc advice on something that had been bothering me for some time. It was about the behavior of a friend of mine. I gave him the details and said how irritated I was by his behavior. The kabouter listened while I grumbled, then he said, “Have you heard the proverb that gossiping and lying go hand in hand?” I hadn’t. He said, “Let me explain what I am trying to tell you. Have you heard the story of the lion who lay sick in its cave?” I hadn’t. “Well,” he continued, “There was a lion that had grown old and sick. All the animals in the forest, except the fox, had gathered in the lion’s cave. The wolf seized the opportunity to denounce the fox, saying that the fox had never shown any respect for the lion, and that it should have done because the lion was king of the forest. The wolf very much wanted to gain favor with the lion and pointed out that the fox hadn’t even bothered to visit its ailing sovereign. DOI:10.4324/9781003452867-18

W H AT ’ S A L L T HIS GOSSIP A B O U T GOSSIP?

The fox arrived just in time to hear the end of the wolf’s complaint. On seeing the fox, the sick lion roared and gathered all its strength to prepare to kill it. But the fox asked for a chance to explain why it hadn’t arrived earlier, and said, ‘Unlike all the other animals here, I have been travelling far and wide to fnd a cure for your majesty’s illness. I consulted many doctors what needs to be done and they have given me the answer.’ Surprised, the lion said, ‘Tell me the cure immediately. I don’t feel at all well.’ The fox said, ‘They say if you are feverish, the only cure for your illness is to keep yourself warm with a wolf skin.’” The kabouter added, “I don’t need to elaborate on the moral of this story. Gossiping has serious downsides. Many of the world’s problems would be solved if we talked to each other instead of talking about each other. We should try not to discuss the shortcomings of other people behind their backs. We should take care not to pass judgment on other people in their absence. Words once spoken can never be recalled. Therefore, we should always try not to use the ‘G’ word. There is an old saying that gossiping shifts a lot of dirt and shifts it fast. The trouble with gossip is not just that it can convey lies, or half-truths, but that it is often packaged as the absolute truth. Before you gossip about other people, take time to examine your own faults. But let me tell you another story, a cautionary tale about the dangers of gossip. It’s about a woman who gossiped about her neighbor. Very soon the whole village knew what she had said, and soon after that the gossiping woman found out that what she had said about her neighbor was untrue. She was very sorry for the damage she had done and came to me to ask what she could do to repair it. I told her to buy a chicken at the market and have it killed. ‘On your way home,’ I told her, ‘pluck the feathers and drop them one by one as you walk.’ The woman was rather surprised by what I said but did as she was told. The next day, she came back to me and I told her, ‘Now go back to the path you followed yesterday and collect all the feathers that you dropped and bring them to me.’ Again, she did as she was told but when she got to the path, she discovered that the wind had blown the feathers all over the place and most of them could no longer be found. After searching for a long time, she brought only a very few back.

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‘You see,’ I told her, ‘gossip is like these chicken feathers—easy to drop but very diffcult to get back. It doesn’t take much to spread a rumor but once you have done so, it is very diffcult, if not impossible, to undo the damage.’” “How,” said the kabouter, putting me on the spot, “would you describe gossip?” I mumbled something about talking about people behind their backs and added that gossiping is usually negative. The kabouter agreed. “Gossip often turns out to be malicious and untrue, which is why it’s considered unacceptable behavior, the activity of busybodies with small minds. But the truth is, everyone gossips in one way or another and it’s possible to differentiate between negative and positive gossip. A lot of what we call gossip is driven by a sincere desire to help others, especially if the aim of gossip is to gain information, not to cause ill-will. It could even be argued that gossip is what makes human society possible. It is an ageold form of human communication that can perform important functions within a group. Taking an evolutionary perspective, in our prehistoric past, human survival depended on information sharing. In the earliest days, humans lived in small groups necessitating long-term, consistent cooperation, so it was very important to be familiar with the various individuals within these groups and to know who could or couldn’t be trusted. Initially, this wasn’t very diffcult as everyone lived within close proximity of each other. However, when human beings began to live in increasingly larger groups, it became more diffcult to keep track of what everybody was up to. Still, for survival’s sake, it was important to be informed about individuals who could infuence your life. Consequently, the people who survived and thrived were those who had a solid understanding of the behavior of the people around them. But acquiring this kind of knowledge required talking, listening, and watching. So, it’s no wonder that gossiping is something that comes very naturally to human beings. It is an integral part of conversation, information sharing, and community building. In other words, we should have a more nuanced attitude toward gossip. We shouldn’t just look at it as a time-wasting, tasteless, negative habit, when it can actually be an extremely valuable social tool to help us understand and get along

W H AT ’ S A L L T HIS GOSSIP A B O U T GOSSIP?

better with the people around us. Gossiping—talking, listening, sharing secrets and stories—is also a form of bonding. Gossip is a form of storytelling and humans relate better to stories than to raw data. I think I’ve demonstrated that over the past two days, haven’t I? By hearing and sharing stories about the people around you, you learn about social norms and conventions. You learn how you should or should not act. And by hearing about the misadventures of others, you can avoid making the same mistakes. In that respect, gossip can be viewed as a deterrent or a punishment for those who deviate from the norms and values of a group. And because negative stories tend to stick in the mind better than positive ones, it makes sense that gossip about people who violate norms is more instructive than gossip about people who conform. In that respect, gossiping is a form of cultural learning, providing you with examples of what’s perceived as socially acceptable—and what’s not. How do you feel now you have told me about your friend and have stopped bottling up what you think about his behavior? Has offoading that been somewhat cathartic? Sometimes, people gossip for their own selfsh interests, to get ahead at the expense of others, or to get back at people they view as enemies. The purpose of that kind of gossip is to humiliate, badmouth, or tarnish the reputation of others and it’s what has given gossiping such a bad name. If you become known as this kind of gossiper, you might fnd people don’t want to associate with you any longer. Nobody wants to live in fear of what you might be saying about them behind their backs. So always ask yourself whether you’re gossiping responsibly or for personal gain. When you judge harshly, criticize, or condemn others through gossip, you should ask yourself what motivates you to do so. Is this negative talk about others a way to bolster your view of yourself? Do you think talking about someone else will make you look better? Are you smearing someone’s reputation unfairly? Are you getting back at someone you think has said negative things about you? On the other hand, is the information you’re sharing going to stop something bad from happening? Always, before you repeat something you’ve heard, refect on whether it makes sense to spread it. Remind yourself that secure people are less inclined to engage in negative gossip. People who criticize others often reveal what they themselves lack. If you are exposed to such gossip, put on your critical thinking hat. You cannot control someone else’s gossipy

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tongue, but you can disregard what’s being said. Of course, another way of dealing with negative gossip is very simple. Just don’t participate. Make it a habit to end a conversation when its only purpose is to damage people.” Listening to the kabouter, I refected that I hadn’t exactly been a saint when it came to gossip. Also, it would be sensible to stay away from people who gossip to me as, most likely, they would gossip about me, and very probably not about my virtues. At the same time, I should always try to make sure other people didn’t feel I was judging them or adopting a high moral stance toward their gossiping behavior. It would not endear me to them.

DAY THREE

17 THE STREETLIGHT EFFECT

The next day, we decided to go back to the lake where we had seen the bear, taking advantage of the good weather. This time, we approached it from a different direction and could see how a river entered the lake, sprawling across a boulder-studded delta, braiding into pools and riffes and narrow chutes before losing its velocity and spilling into a mile-wide basin, where the roar of the white water turned into a whisper. A tall, fat-topped spruce tree, perfectly and symmetrically formed, cradled the widening river on the far side. The near shore was lower, rising gradually through willows and alders to the lance-like crowns of spruce trees. The trees stabbed the sky, like a medieval army arrayed to repulse the weather. At the north end, where the shorelines came together, the river regathered itself, quickening for its rush away again. This morning, it was overcast. A cool mist hung in the air, condensing, like breath on glass. Sitting on the bank, we looked at the wild geese fying above us, honking loudly. I was admiring their V formation, knowing that their wings were creating strong currents for any following birds to use, saving them energy. But my thoughts about where they were going were DOI:10.4324/9781003452867-20

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interrupted by the kabouter who said, “I have been thinking more about gossiping, and I have a story for you.” “One dark evening, a man was leaving a restaurant after a very good meal when he came across a drunk crawling in the road with his nose to the ground and feeling all around him. The passerby asked, ‘Have you lost something? What are you looking for?’ ‘My glasses,’ said the drunk. So, the man got to his knees and joined the drunk in the road and both continued to look for the drunk’s glasses. After some time, the passerby asked, ‘Do you remember exactly where you were when you dropped them?’ The drunk turned, pointed, and said, ‘Over there!’ The passerby was exasperated and exclaimed, ‘Over there? Then why are you looking over here?’ To which the drunk responded, ‘It’s lighter here than it is over there.’” I laughed at the story, wondering why he was telling it. The kabouter said, “Human beings often shine any available light on things they want to fnd, while relegating things they prefer to ignore to the shadows. Be honest with yourself: Haven’t you done the same sometimes? In fact, you’re probably doing it more often than you realize or want to admit. You could be looking for answers where the light is better rather than where the truth is more likely to be found. In other words, you could be looking for answers in the wrong places, likely unconsciously. Your mind automatically tends to search for solutions in areas that are visible and attractive, rather than in the areas where the solution could be located. Humans are very prone to these observational biases. They tend to look for the easy way out. But like the drunk of my story, you may be looking for solutions in precisely the wrong places. Sometimes, it can be convenient to ignore a bigger problem and focus on a distraction or an easier solution. But if you do this, you could lose sight of the bigger picture. You could be focusing on the mundane or the trivial rather than on what’s truly important. If you’re taking the easy way out, it could be that you’re overestimating your own abilities, knowledge, or skills in a specifc area. You might be pleased with the pseudo-answers you fnd but you’re avoiding fnding the real ones. There are many reasons for this, an important one being

T HE S T REE T L I GH T EFFEC T

when self-confdence triumphs over real understanding. If you’re too full of yourself, your narcissistic tendencies can prevent you from seeking or accepting advice and guidance from others. As a result, you might turn a blind eye even when reality is staring you directly in the face. As I have suggested to you before, the lack of self-awareness and selfknowledge can prevent you from grasping what’s really going on. The inability to identify your own mistakes and be aware of your misguided beliefs can contribute to serious errors in judgment, let alone a reduced scope for further learning and development. That’s why taking a step back and keeping your ego in check is important when it comes to seeing things as they are—to realize that you could be heading in the wrong direction. My advice is that, like the drunk in my story, you shouldn’t look for answers where the looking is easy. Instead, you need to look for answers in the right place. Don’t be tempted to do the easy thing in front of you rather than the hard things that really matter. If you are serious about fnding the real solution to any problem—if you want to fnd the best solution—you need to be prepared to look for it wherever it is hiding. Focusing on what’s under the streetlight—clearly visible—will only lead you astray. If you want to retain an open mind, and broaden your knowledge and skills, it’s important to avoid the damaging consequences of the streetlight effect. You must not overlook what’s lurking in the shadows. Of course, the streetlight effect is very relevant to your shadow side, the parts of yourself you don’t want to look at. To move the more disagreeable qualities of yourself into the shade or put them in boxes you never look inside, is a very short-term solution. In fact, the most important pilgrimage you ever need to make is staying right where you are and making a journey into your own interior. You could be surprised at the treasures you will fnd. One step taken inward can be much more important that several steps outward. You should always remember that your external life is an expression of your inner life. You can’t have one without the other. And if you own your own story—if you understand what drives you—you can become the person you’re meant to be. Of course, it will take courage to face the dark forces of self-discovery. But what’s the alternative? Do you want to go through life unconsciously? If you are reluctant to make this journey, you should ask yourself why. What’s holding you back? The psychoanalyst Carl Jung once said, ‘Wholeness for humans depends on the ability to own their own shadow.’

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You need to accept your darker side to become whole. Jung suggests that you should try to integrate your shadow side. Only if you realize how little you know yourself, will you have a chance to fnd out something about yourself. And that means looking beyond the streetlight. You need to realize that fear is the real enemy—fear of better understanding the scripts in your inner theatre. There is a lot of fear connected with self-exploration because it can destroy the illusions you have about yourself. But through self-knowledge you will have more control. As Aristotle famously said, ‘Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom.’ How can you become truly conscious of what you’re doing if you don’t know who you are—if you’re only prepared to look at the places that are lit up?”

18 SELF-FULFILLING PROPHECIES

I had the impression that the kabouter had gone through some kind of free association while making these comments about the streetlight effect. And it came as no surprise that it had reminded him of another story about another form of misjudgment, like the story of the drunk’s lost eyeglasses. The kabouter said, “This story is all about a teacher who was very strict with his students and as a result they didn’t much like him. One day, one of his students suggested they should play a practical joke on him. ‘When we enter the class, each of us should tell him that he looks pale and ill and ask him if he is sick.’ And so they did. When the frst student made this comment, the teacher completely ignored it, saying, ‘Thank you, but I’m fne.’ However, after receiving the same comment about his health from ten of the students, the teacher began to worry. Gradually, despite his automatic denials, the teacher began to believe what the students were telling him. He began to feel rather feverish and because he didn’t feel well, he decided to go home. But as he walked, he started to wonder why his wife hadn’t noticed

DOI:10.4324/9781003452867-21

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he wasn’t well before he left the house. The thought crossed his mind that perhaps she wished him ill. When he got home, his wife was very surprised to see him back so early and asked, ‘Are you sick?’ The teacher responded harshly, ‘Are you completely blind? You must have noticed that I was ill when I left the house. Why didn’t you say anything then?’ And the teacher crawled into his bed. The next day, the students called at his house to ask how he was. The teacher thanked them for being so perceptive. He was grateful that they had noticed how sick he was. He realized that he had been ignoring his own health. He said, ‘If it had not been for all of you, I would certainly be dead.’” The kabouter looked at me and said, “See how easily we get fooled? How easily we can get caught in a self-fulflling prophecy?” Although this was a good story, I wondered what the kabouter was up to. The previous story about the lost eyeglasses was disturbing enough— although it was also funny. So, I asked him, “What do you mean about a self-fulflling prophecy?” The kabouter said, “A self-fulflling prophecy is a psychological concept that states that your thoughts about a specifc issue will infuence the way you act. So, in the story I just told you, when the teacher began to think negatively about his health, he ended up self-sabotaging himself. His students talked him into feeling sick. It demonstrates that it is possible to become what you think about. And the outcome can be positive or negative. Positive expectations can lead to positive results while negative expectations could create the opposite. In other words, getting caught up in a self-fulflling prophecy could mean the difference between success and failure.” I found these comments discomforting. But the kabouter wasn’t fnished yet. “In fact, there are two types of self-fulflling prophecies. First, there are the self-imposed ones, when the expectations you have for yourself end up infuencing your actions. Let me give you an example: You have to pass an exam on something that’s of no great interest to you. While you prepare for it, you keep on telling yourself that you’re likely to fail. Then, because you believe this, you revise inadequately, thinking ‘Why bother? I’m going to fail anyway.’

SEL F- FUL FIL L IN G PRO PHECIE S

Then, on the day of your exam, you’re going to be anxious. You know you didn’t study properly and you’re not really prepared. And you fail the exam, which you thought would happen all along. There you are— an example of a self-imposed self-fulflling prophecy based on negative thinking. Self-fulflling prophecies can be infuenced by others. Sticking with the example of the exam, imagine you spend some time studying for it but just before you take it, your friend reminds you that it’s going to be very tough and you always get stressed out in exams. So, you go in to take the exam, with her words running through your head, and you can’t concentrate and you fail. In both examples, there’s a subtle psychological effect at work that’s infuenced either by you or by somebody else. These expectations infuence what you believe, affect your behavior, and ultimately result in fulfllment of the prophecy. Essentially, when you form an opinion, you can engage in actions that confrm your suppositions and unknowingly match your behavior to help make situations unfold the way you predict they will. Your expectations and projections about yourself and the people around you will have a real-world impact. You can make something come true simply because you expect it to. There are also psychological processes that are ‘derivatives’ of selffulflling prophecies and similar to them. Have you heard of the Pygmalion Effect? In Greek mythology, Pygmalion was a sculptor who loved a beautiful statue he had he created so much that he made it come to life. So, imagine a teacher who is told that a highly gifted student has been added to her class. She might treat this student in a special way and, as a result, it’s likely the new student will outperform her classmates. A teacher’s expectations of a student will infuence the student’s performance more than any differences in talent or intelligence; the student will internalize the teacher’s expectations, which become part of her self-concept. The Pygmalion Effect explains how the expectations of psychological researchers, classroom teachers, judges, business executives, and healthcare providers can affect the responses of the people they deal with. Another ‘derivative’ of a self-fulflling prophecy is the Placebo Effect. Your brain can convince your body that a fake treatment must be the real thing. Consequently, you experience benefcial outcomes because you expect an inactive substance or treatment process to work, even though it has no known medical benefts.

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Stereotyping can also be seen as another ‘derivative’ of self-fulflling prophecy. Racial and gender stereotyping, and similar discriminatory practices, are examples of self-fulflling prophecies. Your expectations based on race or gender can affect your treatment of people. A false view or concept of a person, place, or thing can lead you to act in such a way that the false idea is proven to be true. Of course, these self-fulflling prophecies aren’t created intentionally. These actions are unconscious. These predictions and expectations happen involuntarily. They are not the result of calculated negative talk or thought.” I thought the kabouter had said what he wanted to say. He’d certainly given me more than enough to think about. But he had more on his mind. “From what I have said, you will have noticed that self-fulflling prophecies take on the form of a causal loop; thoughts affect feelings, which affect behavior, which affects thoughts, and so on. You create a belief about yourself and others. The emotional reactions that create these beliefs will shape how you act. And these beliefs will affect your decisions, the way you treat others, and the way you treat yourself in relation to others. The way you act will infuence how other people treat you, all based on the initial thoughts you had. Eventually, the way people treat you—the life circumstances you create—will reinforce your initial beliefs. My comments sound deterministic, but you should take comfort in the fact that you do have power over your own perceptions and outcomes. You can turn these involuntary thought processes into mindful awareness if you try to understand how your thoughts infuence your circumstances and how they can infuence other people. But if you’ve listened to what I’ve been saying, you should have realized that the way you think about things really matters. If you become more conscious of your thought patterns, you can use this self-knowledge to develop a new thinking pattern. You can reframe your thoughts and beliefs and treat and train yourself with greater positivity. Given what you know now about self-fulflling prophecies, you should not fall into the trap of ‘poor me’ thinking. You have more control over your life than you think. Negative thinking can be contagious. If you convince yourself that your life is awful, then you’re more likely to make it truly awful. Alternatively, positive self-fulflling prophecies can enhance your performance and confdence. In other words, the way you handle

SEL F- FUL FIL L IN G PRO PHECIE S

these thought processes can make the difference between success and failure. What would you prefer? The choice is obvious.” I agreed. The kabouter went on. “Taking a positive attitude is good for your mental health. Whenever possible, think about yourself optimistically and positively. And a good way to start this process is the way you choose your words. For example, try to avoid absolutes like ‘never,’ ‘always,’ ‘I can’t,’ and ‘I hate.’ Also, try to surround yourself with people who believe in you. All of us can use cheerleaders. You don’t want people around that have a negative effect on you. A positive ambiance will enhance your self-esteem, while a negative ambiance will lower your self-esteem and the expectations you set for yourself. So—always keep top of mind that the way you think will affect your behavior. The power of positive thinking is more than a platitude, it can actually change your reality. Whatever you expect with confdence can become your own self-fulflling prophecy. But it is up to you to choose the attitude that you prefer. Or to quote Mahatma Gandhi, ‘Keep my words positive. Words become my behaviours. Keep my behaviours positive. Behaviours become my habits. Keep my habits positive. Habits become my values. Keep my values positive. Values become my destiny.’ One more story, but I’m afraid this one is rather tragic. Once upon a time there was a very strict monastery. Silence was mandatory. However, there was one exception to this rule. Every fve years, the monks were allowed to say just two words. After his frst fve years at the monastery, one monk was summoned to the head of the monastery. ‘It has been fve years,’ said the abbot. ‘What are the two words you would like to say?’ ‘Bed . . . hard,’ said the monk. ‘I see,’ replied the abbot. Five years later, the monk was summoned again to the abbot’s offce. ‘It has been fve years,’ said the head monk. ‘What are the two words you would like to say?’ ‘Food .  .  . stinks,’ said the monk. ‘I see,’ replied the abbot. Yet another fve years passed, and the monk once again met the abbot who asked, ‘What are your two words, after these fve years?’ ‘I . . . quit!’ said the monk. ‘Well, I can see why,’ replied the abbot. ‘All you ever do is complain.’”

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“What do you make of this story?” asked the kabouter. “Well, it’s quite funny,” I said, “but I see why you called it tragic. It’s a story of a wasted life.” “Ah, that’s very true. But there’s even more to it than that,” said the kabouter. “Clearly, this monk was wasting his time with negative preoccupations. But he stayed ffteen years before he left. Most of us, in a similar situation, would have simply walked out. If you look deeper, the story touches on self-deprivation. After ffteen years the younger monk had learnt nothing. His negativity became a selffulflling prophecy. Although he spoke only six words in ffteen years, the monk had done nothing but complain—in his head. And he had nothing better to say when he had the opportunity.” Having listened to this depressing story, I was more than ready to call it a day. But I realized I had learned quite a lot.

DAY FOUR

19 RITUALIZATION

The next day was glorious. The sun was shining, the sky was cloudless, and the early morning weather very mild. We had breakfast at a table set up outside the cave. I really enjoyed the kabouter’s fresh sourdough bread and home-made blueberry jam. He offered me birch syrup to drink, saying that it was good for my health as it contained numerous nutrients, especially vitamins and minerals. It was very different from the breakfast I usually ate and I told him so. After we fnished eating, the kabouter started to question me. He wanted to know whether I was set in my ways. Did I feel compelled to stick to certain routines? Did I always dress and have breakfast at specifc times? Or was it easy for me to act spontaneously? Although I knew the answers to his questions, I didn’t know how to respond. Basically, I had no idea where he was going. Instead, I tried to second-guess what he was trying to tell me now. The kabouter realized that he had confused me once again. To help me understand why he was asking me these questions, he told me the following story. DOI:10.4324/9781003452867-23

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“A group of people lived on the edge of a forest. They spent most of their time meditating in silence. Unfortunately, one member of the group had a cat that made a lot of noise, distracting them from their meditation. After a lengthy discussion, they decided that every evening, during their meditation sessions, the cat should be tied up. Eventually, the cat died and another cat was brought in to take its place. The new cat was also tied up during group meditation. This went on for many years, long after the original members of the group had died. And long after that, the successors of the original group wrote scholarly papers about the signifcance of tying up a cat for meditation practices. Nobody, however, questioned why they did so.” I laughed. “Yes,” said the kabouter. “You may well laugh; it’s a silly story. But it makes a serious point. All too often, people don’t think why they do things. They just do them, either because things have always been done that way, or because everyone else does them like that. But don’t you think that’s worrying? Doesn’t it make you wonder whether religious ceremonies and other rituals originally started as practical solutions to simple problems? Of course, rituals are a feature of all human societies. In fact, ritual— repeating specifc activities on a regular basis—is a common thread that has linked humanity throughout the ages, regardless of ethnicity, culture, or religion. An extraordinary array of rituals occurs in human behavior, refecting the diversity of the human experience, and many of them are deeply puzzling. What is seen as normal in one cultural context can appear bizarre in another. Every instance, however, has grown from an original purpose that now seems strange. Behind every ritual is a story—a history that has meaning—to remind us of something that should not be forgotten. I’m not talking just about religious rituals. Ritualistic behavior is nearly as ubiquitous in the domain of the profane as in the sacred—the story of the cat being a good example. All cultures have rituals to mark critical times of the year (like solstices and harvests), rites of passage and life events, such as birth, childhood, adolescence, puberty, marriage, work, and death. In that respect, rituals have a critical social function. Other rituals are performed to please divine powers or to ward off misfortune. Rituals give structure to our lives. They reinforce a sense of cultural belonging and identity and promote bonding, cooperation, and solidarity. They create a sense of continuity, linking ancestors and descendants, those

RI T UA L IZ AT I O N

who went before us and those who will come after us. The rituals around death and mourning help us to deal with loss and to cope with unexpected and painful life events. Above all, they offer security and predictability in a highly uncertain world. Even though society has been steadily moving away from religion, we still need rituals to mark major points in our life. And although many rituals seem to make little or no sense, they’re not simply arbitrary or capricious. They have enormous psychological impact and socio-cultural infuence. In fact, if you don’t understand the function of a ritual, you will fnd it hard to understand and infuence a culture. From an evolutionary psychological point of view, it’s likely that many rituals started out as attempts to avoid disaster or cope with environmental dangers. In many civilizations, rituals were used to maintain behavior that people imagined would keep them safe, even after the initial reason for a particular ritual had been forgotten. During times of danger— thunder, lightning, foods, hurricanes, forest fres, earthquakes, and other calamities—people would perform rituals to reduce stress, generate comfort, and provide an imaginary framework of control. Rituals are still omnipresent in our contemporary society, but people often fail to recognize that they are engaging in ritualistic behavior because it has become a deeply ingrained and natural part of their life. Whether you’re consciously aware of it or not, your work and personal lives are full of daily rituals, including how you get dressed, when and how you eat meals, how you approach daily activities at work, how you meet and leave people, and how you make love. The way you exercise, pray, or meditate— any way you have of dealing with life’s daily frustrations—will have ritualistic elements to it. Family life has many embedded rituals. For example, kids need the security of rituals like bathing, storytelling, and bedtime. A family may have teatime, coffee time, cigar smoking time or cocktail hour rituals. There are also rituals associated with sporting and musical events. It’s likely that you subject yourself to largely unconscious personal, daily rituals that help you focus on your priorities, think about opportunities, and help you evaluate your progress. You might use these rituals to be more effective in whatever you’re doing. But as my story about the poor tied-up cats suggests, although rituals might have been critical at some point in time, they can also grow stale.

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You might hang on to them long after they stop serving any purpose. Worse, they can become counterproductive and turn into bad habits. Therefore, it’s worth taking regular stock of your personal rituals and asking yourself why you’re doing what you’re doing? Is it still appropriate? Has it become dysfunctional? If so, the time has come to tweak your rituals and make them work better for you. Once again, I’m coming back to the importance of self-awareness and self-knowledge. You should ask yourself whether you’re engaging in meaningless rituals. After all, when you are stuck in a ritual, your freedom to act is compromised.” Apart from new breakfast ideas, the kabouter had given me a clear message. And it was up to me to do something with it.

20 ANGER

I spent some time in the early morning reading a novel that I had brought with me, sitting outside the cave, enjoying the sun and the antics of a pair of raccoon dogs that were scurrying around, looking for food. They weren’t fussy: I watched them rooting out insects, frogs, lizards, snakes, and mice, as well as plants, berries, and nuts. But I didn’t have a chance to relax for very long. The kabouter soon joined me and launched straight away into another story. “This is a story about an angry little boy. Everything in life made him very angry, and the more frustrated he was, the angrier he became. Nearly everyone tried to avoid him and keep out of his way. However, the little boy never realized the effect his anger had on others. He was too consumed by his own rage. After a particularly bad outburst, his mother sent him out of the house. Raging here and there, he wandered deep into the woods, where a witch was busily collecting herbs for her magic potions. She saw the little boy cursing and kicking stones as he went along, so lost in his own world that he almost stepped on her. DOI:10.4324/9781003452867-24

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She called out, ‘Be careful! Look where you’re going.’ To which the boy responded, ‘Get out of my way, you ugly old woman.’ (He did not realize she was a witch.) The witch said, ‘What an angry little boy you are! You should be taught a lesson.’ ‘Get out of my way,’ growled the boy again. ‘Enough is enough,’ thought the witch. With a loud cry, she cast a spell on the boy and told him, ‘I have cursed you. Every time you’re angry and insult people, you will breathe fre, like a dragon.’ And she walked away. The little boy didn’t believe a word of it. But when he got home, he was furious at the food that had been prepared for dinner. When he opened his mouth to rant, fames burst out of his mouth, turning his food to ashes and nearly burning his father. The same thing happened when he was told it was time for bed. He shouted at his mother and incinerated his blankets. Bad things continued to happen for the next few weeks and the little boy began to realize that every time that he was angry, he injured or destroyed everyone and everything around him. He was very lonely, as people would have nothing to do with him. Gradually, he started to control his anger, frst for a day, then for a week, and eventually for a month, and as he did so he started to feel happier. The people in the village saw that he was changing and, little by little, they began to include the little boy in their activities. Eventually, his selfcontrol lifted the witch’s curse and he stopped breathing fames. However, everywhere there were scorched places that reminded him of his destructive anger.” “And the moral of this story is that anger can cause deep emotional scars that can take years to heal,” said the kabouter. “What do you think of it?” “Illuminating,” I said. “But can’t anger also be a positive and useful emotion, if expressed appropriately?” “Yes, that’s true,” said the kabouter. “After all, anger is a common experience. It is an important part of the human condition. Everybody at some point in their lives will have serious outbursts of anger. In fact, anger helps you to identify problems or things that trouble you. It can motivate you to create change, help achieve your goals, and encourage you to move on. It can also help you to stay safe, to defend yourself in dangerous situations

A N GER

by giving you a burst of energy as your fght or fight system goes into overdrive. Anger is a primal response to feelings of frustration, abandonment, loneliness, and loss. Factors like stress, fnancial issues, abuse, poor social or familial situations, and overwhelming demands on your time and energy, can all make you angry. However, each of us has our own trigger points. You might get angry if you believe you’ve been treated unfairly and feel powerless to do anything about it, if you feel threatened or attacked, or if you’re prevented from doing things that you really care about. And anger can be expressed in many different ways. Some people react violently when angry, lashing out physically, hitting or pushing people, or breaking things. Others withdraw, showing their anger by ignoring people or sulking. Even though they may be very angry inside, they can’t let it out. But turning anger inwards like this can cause depression and as much harm to themselves as for those who express their anger more violently. My point is that anger management can be a serious problem. Excessive anger can be at the root of murder, violent crime, destruction of property, and all types of abuse—physical, verbal, or sexual. But conversely, outbursts of anger can be appropriate responses to injustice. Expressing anger constructively—to right a wrong—can be perceived as acceptable. From a developmental perspective, anger issues are more prevalent among individuals raised by angry parents who fought all the time. They often recreate this kind of behavior when they grow up and might not even realize that they have anger issues. They think they’re behaving normally. Anger has become basic learned behavior and they’ve never learned how to deal with it properly. But always being angry can have a serious impact on your physical and mental health. Persistent anger will take a toll on your body, affecting your cardiovascular, immune, digestive, and central nervous systems. And if it prevents you from thinking clearly, it will affect the way you make decisions and relate to people. An angry outburst might feel good in the moment, but will leave you with feelings of shame, guilt, and embarrassment. In fact, it will create more problems by escalating whatever the issue might be. And as anger tends to generate more anger, it will negatively affect relationships at home and at work. In particular, explosive anger can seriously hurt your relationships with your spouse, kids, family, and

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friends. It can cause lasting scars in the people you love most. Eventually, like in the story of the little boy, other people will begin to avoid you. It can make for a very lonely life.” The kabouter’s words made me think of the many times I had been angry. How as a small boy, I would have temper tantrums. How I would struggle to keep my angry feelings under control. These thoughts about my past behavior didn’t make me feel good. I felt that the subject had become too personal. It was high time for the kabouter to drop it and let me get back to my book. But he wasn’t fnished. “You should ask yourself whether you externalize or internalize your anger. Clearly, externalized anger is there for all to see, but internalized anger is very different and can be very damaging. If you’re never outwardly violent or aggressive toward others, if you never even raise your voice, but have this smoldering anger inside you, you have a serious problem. You aren’t letting others know that things aren’t right. You’re not telling them you’re upset. You aren’t warning them that there’s a problem. On the outside, you look fne, but on the inside, you can be feeling dismissed and disrespected, believing that your feelings don’t count. As a result, nobody recognizes that you have an issue. By turning your anger inwards, you’re not making a change to your situation. Of course, at times that internal anger builds up so much that it eventually explodes, surprising everybody around you, sadly too late for them to realize what you have been experiencing. Some people resort to subtle, indirect ways of dealing with their anger. For example, do you know anyone whose way of coping with anger is to resort to sarcasm? They might make others laugh but sarcasm has a negative impact, mainly because the people resorting to it can fail to notice the degree to which their anger leaks out and underestimate the hurt they cause. As the Buddha said, ‘Holding onto anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.’” I thought the Buddha had pretty much got it right, but I also hoped that the kabouter had fnished. I needed some time alone to think about the things he had said, especially as many of his comments cut very close to the bone. However, he was far from fnished.

A N GER

“Another thing: What’s making you angry? Sometimes you know immediately, but sometimes you don’t. When that happens people can engage in displacement, which is a very common psychological defense mechanism. They will turn their anger not on the person they’re angry with but on someone else. Unconsciously, they may think that it’s safer to direct their anger at someone other than the person who has caused it. Think of the times you have snapped at your wife or child rather than the colleague who provoked you in the workplace. As for triggers for anger, they vary. Sometimes a trigger can be something big, but at other times, many little things build up and up until the trigger is simply a thing too far, and the angry response is disproportionate to the triggering event. There are various things that you can do when you feel your anger is getting out of hand. It may sound simplistic, but it is always a good idea to take a pause when you feel you’re getting angry. Walk away from the situation until you cool down. As many people have discovered, the best remedy for a short temper is a long walk. Or you could do something physical, like going for a run, or a swim, or offoad some of that energy at the gym. And while doing it, try to fgure out the exact reasons why you’re so angry. This kind of self-analysis is an important way to master your angry feelings. Ask yourself what has triggered your anger? Is the level of anger you’re feeling out of proportion to what triggered it? If so, why? Did you miss any early warning signs that you might get angry? If you realize that anger is a persistent problem, talk to someone you trust about how you’re feeling. Psychotherapists or coaches can help to create greater self-knowledge about what might be happening to you. They may well point out that anger is one of the fastest ways by which your unconscious lets you know where your boundaries lie. Greater selfknowledge deepens positive emotions and allows negative emotions to dissipate. Don’t try to suppress your feelings; they will only cause you more suffering. Learning to be aware of your anger and to express it in a safe and healthy way is an important part of maintaining stable mental health. Anger will never disappear as long as you harbor resentment. Once you have a better understanding of your anger, you can work out strategies to remedy the situation.

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Also, there’s a big difference between feeling briefy annoyed or angry and having strong feelings of anger that linger on. You should never be at the mercy of your anger. However, if managed well, anger can energize you to identify and confront problems. The wisest thing you can do is to be angry about things that really matter. After all, your time and energy are limited.” And for a while the kabouter was silent.

21 COMPROMISE

I was beginning to realize that while meeting the kabouter was an event— bizarre, scarcely credible, and unexpected—for me, our meeting was also an event for him. I had provided him with an audience and however content he was with silence for most of his time, for now he was getting more pleasure from breaking it. “I’m still thinking about anger,” said the kabouter. “Angry people don’t know how to compromise. In fact, for many people the word compromise is very loaded. It reminds me of another story.” “One summer’s day, when a great heat had induced a general thirst among the beasts, a leopard and a wild boar arrived at the same time at a small spring to drink. After arguing fercely about which of them should drink frst they began to fght viciously. When they stopped for an exhausted rest, before fghting to the death, they noticed several vultures perching on the trees around the spring, obviously waiting for the inevitable feast that would follow. At once, the leopard and the boar gave up their fght, realizing that it would be better to share the spring rather than become vulture food. In other words, they decided to compromise. DOI:10.4324/9781003452867-25

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The word compromise has two connotations, one positive and the other negative. The positive meaning is fnding common ground with another person to reach a mutual agreement that will beneft both parties. The negative meaning is very prevalent in human relationships. Compromise is frequently said to be an agreement with which no one is happy because both parties feel that they have either given too much or received too little. Some people go further, thinking of compromise as capitulation, the surrender of their objectives and principles. The word compromise comes from a thirteenth-century French word compromis, meaning mutual promise, that was used to describe the agreement of two parties in confict to abide by the decision of an arbiter. Neither party would necessarily like the decision, but both would swear to abide by it. In other words, compromise isn’t necessarily a win–win solution where both people get what they want. To compromise is to make a deal between different parties where each party gives up part of their demands. Of course, from the arbiter’s point of view, it would be nice if both parties believed that they were getting the bigger slice of the cake. Whichever way you look at it, compromise is a guiding principle of all human interaction. Life involves other people and all of us have our own agenda. In most situations, you need to make a choice between doing what you want, and doing what other people want, often reaching a compromise between the ideal and the possible, at work, at home, in your relationships with family and friends, at leisure—basically, in all aspects of your existence. Most conficts can be resolved by reaching a compromise, whether this means negotiating solutions during business meetings, sharing responsibilities with a spouse and children, or juggling different commitments to make room and time for your personal goals. Thus, compromise should never be a dirty word. Uncompromising people seem to forget that compromise is the guiding principle of social life. Society cannot function unless people are prepared to compromise. The moral strengths that society has consistently valued over time are tolerance, fexibility, open-mindedness, cooperation, and teamwork—all characteristics related to compromise. From a characterological point of view, people with higher emotional intelligence and self-knowledge are more likely to feel empathy and compassion and be prepared to compromise. These feelings are key to healthy cooperation and are closely interlinked.

CO MPRO MISE

Some people, however, never learn the art of compromise. They prefer to resort to rather primitive psychological defense mechanisms, of which ‘splitting’ is the favourite. To splitters, everything is either black or white. They do not recognize or concede that there are numerous shades of grey. Taking an evolutionary perspective, social cooperation is a deeply ingrained aspect of human behavior. Homo sapiens may even be hardwired to cooperate as a survival mechanism because the consequences of refusing to compromise could have been extremely dangerous in early Paleolithic times. As social animals, human beings have evolved the capacity to display and read signals about their own and other people’s emotional status and intentions. It is thought that ‘mirror’ neurons, or at least a mirroring mechanism in the brain, account for some basic forms of empathy. The hormones oxytocin and serotonin are also associated with prosocial behavior. And various situational and social factors also affect how willing human beings are to compromise, including the nature of their own moral compass and their relationships with others. One factor that could explain why people have diffculty compromising is authoritarianism, a personality trait that varies from person to person. Some people are highly authoritarian, some people are the opposite, and most people fall in between. At the high end of authoritarianism are absolutists, idealistic people who believe that their moral principles should be upheld in all situations and at all times. At the low end are the contextualists—people who extol the virtues of working out differences through compromise. Absolutists have strong moral convictions and frequently extreme political outlooks and are less likely to compromise on things directly related to their deeply held beliefs. This could explain their seemingly nonsensical stubbornness. They equate compromise with capitulation. Unsurprisingly, authoritarianism is a major characteristic of dictatorships, but even in democracies, there are tensions between absolutists (on both the left and the right) and contextualists who would prefer a half of a loaf to no loaf at all. But sadly, many politicians are unwilling to accept that no democracy can function without compromise. If compromise is to have any chance, it’s important to understand people’s resistance to compromise and fnd out why such a constructive solution is so elusive. Asking open-ended questions (‘Why do you feel that

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way?’ ‘What would be a satisfactory solution for you?’) will make each party feel heard and enable them to see the opposing perspective more clearly. Careful investigation of both parties’ interests leading to a high level of mutual understanding could ultimately facilitate a sustainable resolution. Of course, there is still the question of when to compromise and when to stick to your values. What are the red lines for you? You shouldn’t make compromises if you believe that they will undermine your integrity. Understanding your own core values and those of your opponent will help the negotiation process. Compromising is not about losing; it is about deciding that the other person has just as much right to be happy with the result as you do.” The kabouter stopped, and not before time for me. After days of being the recipient of his targeted wisdom, I was overwhelmed with food for thought and, like someone who has eaten far too much and realizes it too late, was feeling stunned. But I should have known better. The kabouter had a story to end with. “This one is also about animals. Two goats started out, at the same moment, to cross a very primitive bridge from opposite ends. The bridge was only wide enough to allow one goat to cross at a time. When they met in the middle of the bridge neither goat wanted to give way. They locked horns and pushed and shoved so hard that both fell into the river below and drowned. Learn the wisdom of compromise: It is better to bend a little than to break. Compromise is what makes for great nations, healthy communities, a good atmosphere at work, happy families, and good marriages!”

22 DEAL WITH YOUR NEUROSES

The kabouter clearly realized that I had had enough, because his next words were, “I haven’t talked like this for a very long time. I’m used to being entirely on my own and your arrival has unlocked my tongue. I fear I’ve been talking far too much. But I hope what I have said has been helpful?” I couldn’t reply immediately. I had no doubt that everything he said would be helpful, but the fact was that I needed to talk to myself. He knew that I had been in the wilderness because I was trying to fgure out what I should do with the rest of my life and got lost. Had he realized that I was lost in other ways as well? Was I brave enough to tell him that I was running away from some very personal issues? Could I tell him about my fears and anxieties? So, I said nothing and instead fxed my eyes on a red-tailed hawk that was soaring high in the sky overhead. The kabouter just looked at me. After a little while, both of us got up and, without saying anything, set off on a walk, as had become our habit. After some time, the kabouter picked up a piece of wood and asked quietly, “How much do you think this piece of wood weighs?” I glanced at it, and said, “Perhaps half a kilo.” DOI:10.4324/9781003452867-26

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“You think so? Not heavy, then,” said the kabouter said, “What do you think will happen if you carry this piece of wood for a short while?” “I don’t think anything will happen,” I said. “That’s right. But what if you hold it for an hour?” “My arm will get tired.” “True enough. And what will happen if you hold this piece of wood for several hours?” “My arm will hurt.” “Yes. But what if you hold it all day?” “My arm will go numb,” I answered. “Very good,” said the kabouter. “Has the weight of the wood changed?” “Of course not.” “So, where does the pain come from?” asked the kabouter. “From prolonged stress to my arm,” I said. “What can you do to stop the pain?” “Drop the wood!” I felt pretty exasperated by this point. The kabouter smiled. “Doesn’t the same thing apply to the problems in your life? Thinking about them for a few minutes doesn’t hurt, but if you dwell on them, you begin to feel pain. And if you become obsessed with them, they can numb your mind, so that you can no longer function well.” The kabouter had made his point. He had obviously picked up my preoccupied state, as he made clear as he went on. “I’ve been talking about dysfunctional behavior patterns. Did they make you think about your own problems? Or about issues you need to deal with? How neurotic do you think you are?” He was right but his last question made me bristle. “Ah! You don’t like the word neurotic. Do I mean you’re crazy? Or emotionally unstable? I’m afraid neurotic has become a catch-all term for a wide range of medical or psychological conditions. It’s used to describe people who are uptight, supersensitive to perceived slights, quick to anger, and obsessive about small things, as well as people who lie awake at night worrying and overthinking things that have happened to them. Everyone feels anxious from time to time. You might feel a knot in your stomach before meeting someone you don’t know; you could be stressed out about your fnances; you could be panicky before a job interview. It is all part of the human condition. But when feelings of anxiety don’t go away, when negative and unwanted thoughts keep on circling through your

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mind, making it diffcult to function in day-to-day life, it is a very different matter. Mental health professionals do not use the term neurotic nowadays because it isn’t a defnable medical condition or even a diagnosable mood disorder. In fact, psychiatrists have begun to divide neurosis into ever fner parts, like panic disorder, social anxiety, obsessive-compulsive disorder, avoidant behavior disorder, depression, and other personality problems. I do wonder, however, if all this precision has backfred and comes at the cost of no longer looking at a nervous illness holistically. The term neurosis has a long history. It was frst coined in 1769 by a Scottish doctor, William Cullen, to refer to ‘disorders of sense and motion’ caused by a ‘general affection of the nervous system.’ He used the term to describe various nervous disorders and symptoms that couldn’t be explained physiologically. The word derives from two Greek words: neuron (nerve) and osis (diseased or abnormal condition).” The kabouter was clearly enjoying demonstrating his knowledge. In fact, as had happened so often over the past few days, he was unstoppable. Nevertheless, I was intrigued by what he was saying. Who hasn’t neurotic tendencies? He went on. “Nowadays, neurosis can be seen as part of the normal human experience. Most people are affected by neurosis in one form or another. We’re labelled ‘neurotic’ when our problems cause so much anxiety that it will impair our normal functioning. This suggests a condition that comes and goes, depending on the stress encountered in daily life. Most people who are described as neurotic lack the coping skills to regulate their emotions and behavior effectively and respond to diffcult situations in maladaptive ways. Symptoms are high irritability, low tolerance of frustration (overreaction to stress), making mountains out of molehills, being easily hurt or offended, frequently feeling anxious, constantly worrying, being prone to feelings of self-doubt, feeling overwhelmed by feelings of guilt or shame, feeling insecure, being extremely self-conscious, and being highly self-critical. There is not one specifc cause of neurosis. Human behavior is infuenced by a combination of genetic, developmental, and situational factors. People who experience trauma, stress, and adversity are more likely to demonstrate neurotic behavior patterns, particularly if these events happen

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early in life. Basically, I’m referring to parents who aren’t attuned to a child’s needs, thoughts, and fears. If a child doesn’t feel heard, it is unable to express its true feelings and grows up without an internalized sense of safety and belonging. Having a secure base is critical to being able to function well in life. Without it, children internalize a growing sense of anxiety and insecurity and ultimately act out in a neurotic way, trying to repair the basic fault of childhood. People who have experienced abuse, neglect, or had parents who were either too involved or not involved enough, or very inconsistent in their parenting, are more likely to acquire neurotic behavior patterns. Consequently, the attempts to repair childhood hurts could turn into a lifelong quest. And neurotic people can also pass on neurotic behavior to their children, who model themselves on their parents. So-called neurotic people can be very diffcult to live with. Once they begin to experience negative emotions their feelings can turn into a negative feedback loop that continually feeds into their neurotic behavior. The more these feelings intensify, the more likely neurotic people are to be emotionally reactive or impulsive, acting out in ways that create even more problems and stress for them, triggering this repetitious cycle. The challenge for neurotic people is to learn to react differently to the stressors in their life. When they become more self-aware, and understand why they behave as they do, they can try to fnd ways to mitigate their negativity. However, without constructive introspection, they are much more likely to default to ineffective responses and self-destructive actions. Healthy introspection means taking a pause to consider what really matters, instead of becoming emotionally reactive. It is an effort to learn from negative thought processes and fnding better ways of dealing with them. It implies making an effort to observe yourself; to look at your dysfunctional reactions in various situations and ask yourself what’s causing your angst. Healthy introspection implies taking stock of your thoughts and behavior. You could ask yourself questions like, ‘Why do I think and feel this way?’ ‘Why am I responding like this?’ You could also look at times when you know you were negative when you could have been positive or acted out your neuroses instead of behaving more constructively. Thus, if you are preoccupied by negative events, situations, or characteristics, it is high time to challenge your negative thoughts and make positive thinking more of a habit.

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Also, try to surround yourself with supportive, caring people and avoid toxic people; negativity can be contagious. Constructive social interaction with people who are encouraging will mitigate feelings of depression, anxiety, and stress. But if you still suffer from neurotic behavior you could beneft from various forms of professional therapy, such as psychodynamic psychotherapy, which will help you explore your inner theatre, or cognitive-behavioral therapy, which will encourage you to think more objectively and take a broader perspective on your problems. These talking cures may enable you to explore your experiences, your thoughts and feelings, your relationships, and behaviors. After all, it isn’t good for your mental health to keep your neuroses a secret. Of course, some neurotic people fnd themselves trapped in maladaptive thought patterns that they compulsively defend, because the prospect of positive change feels like a threat to their integrity. To them, being neurotic has become a way of life and has turned into a personality disorder. But let me tell you a story that will sum up what I mean.” “Some time ago, here in these woods, I met two large brown bears that had been arguing passionately. At their wits’ end, they decided to come to me for advice, asking me to clarify which of them was right and which was wrong. They were arguing about the location of heaven and hell. One of the bears thought that heaven is above and hell below, and the other bear thought it was just the opposite. But I told them, ‘Both of you are wrong. Heaven and hell don’t reside outside you, either above or below. They reside within your mind. Now, both of you are in hell, arguing with each another and flling your minds with destructive thoughts. But you will bring heaven into your minds if you can reach a mutual understanding.’ Where heaven and hell reside depends on how you deal with your problems. Don’t just lock your problems away. Deal with them upfront, and you will be better prepared to cope with sickness, anger, depression, insecurity, the troubles of old age, and the fear of death. Take responsibility for your own life, because if you can’t manage your neuroses, your neuroses will manage you. Every person on Earth is full of great possibilities that can be realized through imagination, effort, and perseverance.”

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23 DREAMING

Again, I needed time to take in and think about the things the kabouter had said. I was caught up in thoughts about my own neurotic behavior. The kabouter seemed to realize that I was troubled and, as a way of distracting me, he suggested that we walk to the lake again and take his boat to lift some crayfsh pots. It was the best thing he could have said. Fresh air, boats, and eating crayfsh, I told him, were three of my favorite things. I asked him what kinds of fsh were in the lake and he told me that it was full of Amur sturgeon, chum salmon, pink salmon, yellow perch, and others. As we rowed, I saw a Siberian tiger slowly walking to the edge of the lake to drink. I was hugely excited; knowing how few Siberian tigers remain, I knew this was a sight I was unlikely ever to see again. But observing the tiger was a very short-lived pleasure. It soon disappeared among the cattails that covered that area of the lake. While we were busily lifting pots, and putting the crayfsh in a bucket, the kabouter said, “Did you know that people who are labelled neurotic

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are more prone to dreaming and daydreaming? Their combination of obsessive worries and an overactive imagination pushes the dreaming process into overdrive. As a bonus, the imagery in their dreams can be helpful to them.” Now, I have a very active dream life, so as we rowed back toward the shore, I asked the kabouter, “Aren’t dreams just random noise in the neurological system? Are you suggesting that dreams could have meaning?” The kabouter frowned, and said, “Of course, dreams have meaning, lots of it. They aren’t just meaningless electrical and chemical activity in your brain. Do you think they are just a form of overnight housework for the brain? You should pay particular attention to repetitive dreams and nightmares because you may be surprised to learn what they are trying to tell you. Dreams help you acquire greater self-awareness and self-knowledge, and a better understanding of your thought processes and how you experience emotions. Dreams may help you fgure out what’s important in the present and how that might affect your future. Of course, dreams are very specifc to the person who dreams them. It’s diffcult to make sense of other people’s dreams. That being said, there are several universal dream images that many people experience: They include being chased by monsters, taking examinations, fying, falling, out-of-control cars, being lost, being trapped, missing buses, boats, or planes, fnding themselves naked in a public place, having their teeth pulled out, and dying. All these dreams refer to experiences that many of us have had, even though for each of us the experience will be rather different. While you’re asleep, your mind continues to work and thrusts you into various virtual scenarios, helped by information that is not consciously available. Some people believe that dreams play an important role in the development of your mental coping capacities, particularly at an early developmental stage. Children tend to have more nightmares than adults, and one explanation for this is that bad dreams, experienced within a safe environment, are a way of rehearsing for potentially threatening situations. Dreams could also have a healing function, allowing your brain to revisit and try to work through past traumas. Have you ever woken up from a nightmare, soaked in sweat, and with your heart still pounding? Dreams of this kind are often triggered by recent events that your subconscious associates with earlier unhappy experiences.

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There is much anecdotal evidence and many scientifc studies of possible links between dreaming and creativity. Essentially, highly imaginative people are more likely to remember their dreams and to have dreams with vivid imagery. They seem to be better at ‘incubating’ a problem in their dreams, which helps them fnd solutions to their problems. In fact, dreams themselves imitate aspects of the creative process, brainstorming a range of possibilities—what psychoanalysts would call free association. Most of our dreams are triggered by immediate concerns, such as unfnished business from the previous day, or deeper concerns that we can have diffculty metabolizing. While we can ignore what’s happening to us during the day, dreams can alert us to things that we are only subliminally aware of, such as an impending crisis or a conficted emotional state. They may help us to recognize, acknowledge, and respond more effectively to these situations. Dreams are a great way to achieve greater self-understanding and self-knowledge. So, when you wake up from a dream, ask yourself how does the way you felt in your dream echo in your waking life? What could the trigger have been? Is the dream based on an event that recently touched you? Ask yourself in what situations in your waking life have you experienced similar emotions to what you experienced during your dream. And always keep in mind that you’re the director, producer, and scriptwriter of your own dreams. It will be up to you to translate the symbolic dream imagery and story that initially may seem bizarre into a comprehensible language and discover the psychological links between all these associations. You need to join the dots to uncover the picture. Repetitive dreams and nightmares could indicate that you keep on missing the point about the meaning of your dreams. If you have disturbing dreams, your unconscious may be trying to give you advice. You’re being told something. Of course, what’s being told will be different things for different people. Very often, these dreams can be an admonition, based on feelings of shame or guilt. They may have something to do with repressed trauma. You’d better know someone else very well before you say anything about the meaning of his or her dreams. As I said before, dreams are very person specifc. Still, since ancient times, there have been dream interpreters trying to look for meaning and prophesy in dreams, particularly rulers’ dreams. This could be a risky business, especially if the recipient didn’t like the interpretation.

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There is a funny story of a tyrannical ruler who dreamt that he was dying and bound for hell. Deeply disturbed by his nightmare, he called all his astrologers to him and asked each of them in turn, ‘How long shall I live?’ The frst astrologer told the ruler that he would live for thirty years. The second said ffty years. The third came up with a hundred years, while the fourth said that the ruler was very special. He would never die. Having listened to all four, the ruler called out, ‘Executioner, behead them! The frst three have not given me enough time, and the last one is just trying to save his neck.’ After that he turned to his fool and asked, ‘Do you have anything to say?’ The fool replied, ‘Well, my liege, I also had a dream last night and in my dream I was told the exact day of your death.’ ‘Which was?’ asked the ruler. ‘I was told that that you would die the exact same day as I,’ replied the fool.” I laughed. It was quite a funny story but as I said to the kabouter, there had to be more to it. “Yes,” said the kabouter, “dreams are always full of riddles. It will always be diffcult to deconstruct the complex symbolic language of a dream. And as my story shows, interpreting dreams can be a dangerous business.” The kabouter stared at the lake for some time, obviously refecting on the last words he had spoken. Then he continued. “The Old Testament is full of dreams. Some of the most important ones were dreamt by Joseph, the son of the Hebrew patriarch Jacob. Joseph dreamt that he was binding sheaves of wheat with his brothers in a feld, when suddenly his sheaf stood up straight, while his brothers’ sheaves bowed down to him. When Joseph shared his dream with his brothers, they were not amused by his delusions of grandeur. But as we know, the dream suggested Joseph’s future leadership role. According to the Old Testament, Joseph was believed to be a remarkable dream interpreter and his reputation brought him to Pharaoh, who was deeply troubled by some repetitive dreams. In Pharaoh’s frst dream, seven fat cows emerged from the river Nile but were then swallowed up by seven emaciated cows that followed them. In his second dream, Pharaoh dreamt that seven fat kernels of grain were swallowed by seven withered ears of grain. Pharaoh asked if there was

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anybody in the kingdom who could tell him the meaning of his dreams and Joseph was brought to him. He told Pharaoh that his dreams meant there would be seven years of abundance in Egypt, followed by seven years of famine. To avoid this, he recommended that a wise man should be put in charge of storing grain in the good years against the years of famine that would follow. Pharaoh appointed Joseph to the job. All in all, my advice to you would be to pay attention to your dreams. They will provide insights that you might miss while you’re awake. They may not be on the scale of saving the nation, but they can certainly help you understand yourself, and those around you, better.”

24 DAYDREAMING

We had moored the boat. After tying it up it, taking the crayfsh with us, we walked back to the kabouter’s cave. On the way, the kabouter said, “Of course, there are dreams and daydreams. Daydreaming is fne, but it is important not to build castles in the air. Someone I knew once told me the following story. He was lying on his bed, looking at several bottles of milk his neighbor, a farmer, had given him. He said to himself, ‘I reckon the price of milk is rising. If I turned that milk into cheese, I could sell it and make some money. With the money I make from the cheese, I could buy some cows—maybe as many as fve. They would calve within a year and so would their young in due course. Within a couple of years, I could be the owner of 50 cattle. Of course, some will be bulls. I will sell them and get even more money, enough to build myself a house. By that time, I will be rich and have people working for me. And when people see how rich I am, it will be easy to fnd a beautiful wife who will bear me beautiful children.’ He was so excited by this idea that he leapt out of bed and knocked over all the bottles of milk, smashing them and his daydream to smithereens.” I laughed. I was a great daydreamer myself. DOI:10.4324/9781003452867-28

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The kabouter went on. “Daydreaming is frowned upon, but we still do it. After all, it can be very pleasant to detach from immediate reality for a while and let your mind wander away happily from the task at hand to an imaginary place that’s entirely your own. Why do we daydream? One obvious answer is to relieve boredom and break the monotony of life. By detaching from reality, we can escape the stresses and strains of daily life. Daydreaming can be a great way of maintaining stable mental health. I expect you know James Thurber’s famous story, The Secret Life of Walter Mitty. The hero of this story, Walter Mitty, is relentlessly put upon by his domineering wife and retreats into daydreaming to construct a heroic imaginary life that is very different from reality. As he drives his car, he imagines he’s a Navy pilot, fying through a harrowing storm, and fearlessly holding his plane steady, cheered on by his crew. When he passes a hospital, he is a world-famous surgeon pulling on surgical gloves before performing life-saving surgery on one of the US president’s close friends. And so on. It’s a funny story but it has a sad background. It highlights Walter Mitty’s relative incompetence in day-to-day matters and his dissatisfaction with his life. Excessive daydreaming like Walter Mitty’s can develop as a coping strategy in response to trauma. A person’s inner world can feel safer than real life. For some people, their daydreams can become so immersive and lengthy that they dissociate themselves completely from the world around them, damaging their interpersonal relationships, work performance, sleeping habits—in fact, life in general. In these cases, daydreaming has become a psychological disorder. Like most things, daydreaming should be done in moderation. It isn’t going to be immediately helpful when you’re trying to concentrate on a specifc task or goal, but neither is it a waste of time. Like sleeping dreams, daydreams can also be gateways to creativity, freeing you to fnd creative solutions to problems you have failed to solve wearing your ‘hat’ of rationality. When you daydream, your mind cycles through different parts of the brain, accessing dormant or out of reach information (just as when you dream). During this process, you touch on the brain’s default network, which connects parts of the frontal cortex, the limbic system, and several other areas of the brain, all involved in sensory experiences. In effect, your mind becomes somewhat unhinged and is allowed to roam freely.

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This can be a very positive experience. I would go as far as to say that much human intellectual progress has had its roots in daydreaming. It helps you to make new associations and connections between your conscious mind and unconscious thoughts. It allows you to play out more or less crazy scenarios in your head with no risk or any real consequences. Through daydreaming you might uncover thoughts and ideas you didn’t realize you were capable of, ideas that might help you to surface new associative patterns and imagine scenarios you hadn’t thought of before. Human history is flled with tales of great breakthroughs that occurred when people were not consciously thinking about a problem, with the solution suddenly appearing as a stroke of insight. So, don’t stop daydreaming. Use daydreams to connect you with your inner self.” “Do you know the story of the philosopher and the butterfy?” I didn’t. “Then I will tell you. Once upon a time, the Chinese philosopher Zhuangzi dreamt that he was a butterfy, futtering here and there. While he dreamt, he was conscious only of his great happiness as a butterfy and was no longer Zhuangzi. But when he woke up, there he was, his human self again. Now he didn’t know whether he was a man dreaming that he was a butterfy, or whether he was a butterfy, dreaming that he was a man. What do you make of this story? Is daydreaming a distraction from real life, or is real life a distraction from dreaming?” I just smiled.

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25 TRANSFERENCE

We had now reached the cave, and it was time to prepare and eat the crayfsh. The kabouter put dill fower, water, salt, and sugar in a large pan and brought it to the boil. He dropped in the crayfsh, covered the pan, returned it to the boil, and cooked the crayfsh until they turned bright orange. We cooled the crayfsh and ate them. They were delicious. After we fnished our lunch, the kabouter asked me, “How much do you know about transference?” I replied that I didn’t have the faintest idea. The kabouter said, “Transference is a very important concept in any relationship and you should know about it. Put simply, there is no such thing as a new relationship. All relationships are colored by previous relationships. Psychologically speaking, whenever you’re dealing with someone else, you’re actually entering into a crowded interpersonal space. Suppose two people decide to live together. If they do, they’re never alone in the house. The engraved memories of important people in their lives move in

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with them and infuence the way they interact with each other. Here’s a story that emphasizes what I am trying to say.” “There was once a man who got so angry with his wife that he threw her out of the house. When people asked why he’d done so, he said, ‘The house was already too small for the two of us, but then her mother moved in, and then so did mine. Who knew who was going to turn up next? The house was so crammed, someone had to go.’ But let me be more explicit. Imagine that you had a very domineering father and that his behavior meant you often got into fghts with him. That interaction became written into the script of your inner theatre. So, there’s a high probability that when you meet someone who reminds you of your father, you will start an argument. Consciously, you know that person isn’t your father, but your unconscious will be following a well-known script. That’s transference in action. So, every time someone gets your goat, ask yourself why you’re getting so worked up. Who does that person remind you of? Conversely, when someone lashes out at you with anger or in distress in a way that seems excessive, think about what transferential processes could be at play. These reactions originate in childhood, when they are likely to have been entirely appropriate, but they are increasingly inappropriate as you grow up. By the way, transference is one of the essential tools used by psychotherapists and psychodynamically oriented coaches. In exchanges with their clients, they often try to act as a screen onto which their clients project feelings that originate in childhood. This can give them important information about their clients’ ways of interacting.” I got the message, all right. I started to think about how often people had taken advantage of me and how some of the things they did irritated me. I thought about my urge to help people—and the real danger of overdoing it—as well as my reluctance to ask other people for help. Where did all that come from? Did it have something to do with early role models in my life, like my maternal grandfather, who was one of the most signifcant? Did it have something to do with my relationship with my mother, after my father had deserted her? How did those relationships write the script for my habitual interaction patterns? How could I become more familiar with my inner theatre? What core conficts was I struggling with?

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What were my core desires? What responses did I try to elicit from other people? And how did I react to them? I asked the kabouter if there were any common themes in these personal scripts. “Oh, yes,” he said. “Some are the need for independence, to control or be controlled, to be admired, to achieve, to help others, to avoid confict, or to keep your distance. They revolve around things like fear and selfinterest, life and death, threat and safety. But, of course, human beings are very complex creatures and so there are also many less common themes.” By now, I was thinking furiously—about my need to relate to people, my concern for affliation, my need to be effective in whatever I was doing. And then there was my desire to learn, which these intense interactions with the kabouter demonstrated. But above all hovered my constant search for meaning—my need to be sure that whatever I was doing had purpose. Understanding my transferential reactions would clearly help me gain more insight about my own inner theatre.

26 PARADOXICAL INTERVENTION

Apart from the more basic human scripts, one that related specifcally to me was the wish to be liked by helping others. There were times when I didn’t know how to set boundaries. I found it diffcult to say “no.” Sometimes, people took advantage of me. I could go too far in “helping mode.” The kabouter asked me to give him an example. Rather reluctantly, I told him about a recent experience. “I lent someone $1000 but I have no receipt and no witnesses. When I met the guy recently, I mentioned the loan, but he didn’t react. At the time, I let it go. Now, I’m worried that he will never pay me back, or even that he will deny he ever received the money.” The kabouter was quiet for a moment. Then he told me there was a very simple way to solve my problem. “Why don’t you invite this person to your house along with some mutual friends. Then drop into the general conversation that you have lent him $5000.” “But I just told you, I only lent him $1000!”

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“Exactly,” said the kabouter. “And that’s what he will say, in a room full of witnesses.” He laughed. Then, he said, “To use a psychological term, doing that would be an example of a technique called paradoxical intervention or strategic psychotherapy. It is a way of helping people change their behavior.” It wasn’t clear to me where he was going. “Let’s fnd a different example,” said the kabouter. “We all know that people in leadership positions are liable to be surrounded by sycophants who tell them the things they think leaders like to hear. Here’s a little story. There was once a king who asked one of his courtiers if he had any gray hairs. Now, the king had an unpredictable, sometimes violent temper, so the cautious courtier said, ‘Only one or two, sire.’ The furious king yelled for his executioner and ordered, ‘Off with his head!’ The king then turned to the next courtier and asked the same question. Terrifed by his predecessor’s fate, the courtier said, ‘Your majesty, your hair is completely black. I don’t see any gray hair.’ ‘Liar!’ screamed the king, beckoning his executioner again. Finally, he turned to a third courtier, and snarled, ‘Well, what do you think? Have I got any gray hairs?’ ‘Alas, your majesty,’ said the courtier, ‘I cannot answer your question because I am color blind.’ The third courtier cleverly reframed an impossible situation. It can be helpful to resort to this kind of reframing when a problem appears very resistant to change. To be precise, you take an unexpected, or counterintuitive, approach and present the person who has the problem with a paradox. The time to use paradoxical intervention is when someone you’re dealing with is extremely resistant to doing something to alleviate an entrenched situation. A very effective thing to do is to ask the person to do the opposite of what needs to be done. For example, you can forbid someone to change. Or you can say they should take things very slowly. In this way, you can leverage their defance to provoke the opposite, desired, reaction: They can resist you only by changing, which is the real purpose of making the suggestion. For example, imagine a couple who were obsessed with wealth. Money was the only thing that mattered to them. They had a son, and the father wanted to make sure the son would develop the same attitude. But the son had a very different way of thinking about life. What could they do?

PA R A D OX I C A L IN T ER V EN T I O N

To change his son’s mindset, and make sure he understood the value of money, the father decided to take him to a nearby village where the people were very poor and struggled to scratch a living. When they returned home, the father said, ‘While we were in the village you saw all those people with no money and almost nothing to eat. What did you make of it?’ The son said, ‘Well, it was fascinating. It taught me a lot. We have only one dog but in the village there were lots of dogs. We’ve got a swimming pool, but the villagers have a river and a huge lake to swim in. We’ve got electricity and can switch on the lights when it gets dark, but the villagers have a sky full of stars at night. We have servants who look after us, but they take care of each other. We buy our food at the store, but they grow their own vegetables in their yards. We have security to protect our house, but they look out for each other’s things.’ Now, leaving aside who beneftted most from this exchange, it’s a great example of a paradoxical intervention. Most importantly, by reframing the situation, the son was able to stand his ground. Of course, it is not always easy to help powerful people understand what’s important. The truth can be a very dangerous commodity. Often, however, paradox and reframing can bring solutions to what may seem like impossible situations, and as a bonus make it possible to speak truth to power without worrying it will cost you your head. Let me end with a story about yet another powerful king. In this story, the king thought he was a great singer. In reality, he had a dreadful voice but none of his courtiers had the courage to tell him so. One day the king asked a newcomer to the court what he thought of his latest song. The newcomer knew no better and gave an honest answer. ‘It doesn’t sound good, your Majesty. You’re singing out of tune and straining when you hit the high notes.’ This was not what the king wanted to hear. As a punishment, he sent the newcomer to the dungeons to spend a few weeks refecting on what he had said. In due course, the king summoned the newcomer again, saying, ‘I have just composed another song. Perhaps your hearing has improved during your time in your cell.’ And he started to sing. But when the king was only halfway through his song, he noticed the newcomer slipping out of the room. ‘Where do you think you’re going?’ said the king. ‘I think I’d better go back to my cell,’ said the newcomer.

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Now, that was quite a clever way to speak truth to power. Perhaps his words made the king realize that people who fattered him were really hurting him, while people who had the courage to criticize him were helping him.” I smiled and let the kabouter’s comments sink in. While he had been talking my mind had been working overtime, starting to see how I could use paradoxical intervention in my interactions with people I knew. It seemed like an interesting method of dealing with diffcult situations, but it would require a considerable amount of creativity.

27 COURAGE

We decided to stretch our legs before dinner and having spotted movement on a far slope of the mountain, we headed that way. As we drew closer, we could see that it was a wolverine and a bear seemingly in mortal combat. The bear was by far the bigger animal, but the wolverine wasn’t giving up, and we realized that the bear was very close to her den. She must have had cubs in there and was fghting to keep the bear away from them. That wolverine had real guts. After a while, the kabouter said, “You know, when humans fght you see all this shining weaponry, tanks, cannons, guns, swords, but usually the most vital weapon is missing.” “What do you mean?” I asked. “Courage,” was his short reply. “That’s all that wolverine has to arm herself with. Do you know the story of the sheep and the wolf?” I didn’t. “Well,” said the kabouter, “a wolf sneaked into a fock of sheep. Of course, the sheep realized there was a wolf in their midst, but they pretended not to see it. Even when they saw one of their fock being eaten by DOI:10.4324/9781003452867-31

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the wolf, they ignored it. Foolishly, they said to each other, ‘He’s kept his claws off me, he’s kept his claws off you; let him take one of the others.’ But in the end, there was only one sheep left. When the wolf turned to her, she said, ‘We deserved to be eaten one after the other. We didn’t realize what was happening until it was too late. We should have been brave enough to kill you when we were all together—we could have torn you to pieces with our horns—but none of us dared to speak up.’” “It takes a lot of courage,” said the kabouter, “to tell the truth when no one else will speak up. The Greek philosophers, Socrates, Plato, and Aristotle, took part in spirited debates about courage, which they concluded was one of four virtues, the others being prudence, justice, and temperance. Aristotle, however, maintained that courage was the greatest of the four because it was the quality that would guarantee all the others. According to these philosophers, without courage, you cannot practice any of the other virtues consistently, and you can’t be true to your values. Courageous people do and say what they think is right despite opposition from others. However, speaking truth to power takes a lot of courage. It means confronting and challenging people in powerful positions. It means hanging in there when others try to knock you down, and keeping going, even when you are afraid, like that wolverine. In that respect, courage and fear are close cousins. You could argue that without fear, there would be no courage. Courage means acting despite your fear. The opposite of courage is not cowardice, as many believe, it’s conformity—choosing to go with the fow, to join the crowd. That’s what the story of the sheep and the wolf is all about. As the Irish statesman Edmund Burke famously said, ‘The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.’ Courage is most often revealed when you have a strong need to right a wrong or realize something is so important to you that you’re prepared to take a stand despite the danger involved. This need can originate deep in your unconscious and you might not even consider why you’re doing what you’re doing. Nevertheless, you make a conscious decision to act. Fear will not stop you. This is the sort of heroism human history has taught us—just think of Joan of Arc, Rosa Parks, Mahatma Gandhi, Sophie Scholl, Martin Luther King Jr., Nelson Mandela or Malala Yousafzai. They did what they felt compelled to do based on a higher set of ideals, but they also knew that their actions would have serious consequences. Despite this, they didn’t stop.

CO UR AGE

We can make a broad distinction between physical and moral courage. When we talk about courage, we tend to refer to the former. Physical courage is bravery in the face of physical hardship, pain, or the threat of death. We think of people climbing mountains, undertaking polar expeditions, or landing on the moon. Moral courage is more like a test of character. It means doing the right thing, notwithstanding the risks involved. Of course, physical and moral courage often go together.” At this point I interrupted the kabouter’s fow of words. “Would you say there’s a self-destructive aspect to courage? A lot of what you’ve said makes me think so.” The kabouter responded by saying, “There’s certainly the potential for self-destruction in courageous acts and decisions and that might suggest there’s a thin line between courage and stupidity The key thing is good judgment. Courageous people carry on despite the fear and danger of their actions because they judge it’s the right thing to do. But people who rush headlong into action with no consideration of the consequences are not courageous, just stupid. It’s an important distinction, especially when you think about people in leadership positions. Leadership has a lot to do with courage. Effective leaders realize that courage can be contagious. As Napoleon Bonaparte said, ‘Courage isn’t having the strength to go on—it is going on when you don’t have strength.’” I was beginning to feel the limits of my own strength after such a long day of talking, much as I valued the kabouter’s wisdom, and I went gratefully to bed and slept like a rock.

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28 ENCOURAGEMENT

The next morning, during breakfast, the kabouter said he’d been thinking about the previous day’s discussion and that it seemed logical to go from courage to encouragement, considering what the words had in common. “How would you defne encouragement?” he asked. I opened my mouth to reply but, of course, it was a rhetorical question. The kabouter had obviously been giving it a lot of thought overnight. “Did you know that the word encourage comes from an old French word encoragier, which means to make strong, as if you can actually infuse another person with strength and capabilities. Do you think you always encourage the people you deal with to be the best they can be?” “I always try to do so. My work is all about helping other people to fnd the strength and courage for change. Is that what you mean?” “Let me tell you a story about frogs,” came the enigmatic reply. “Once upon a time, a troupe of frogs was traveling through the woods. Not looking where they were going, two of the frogs fell into a deep pit. All the other frogs squatted round the rim and when they saw how deep

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the pit was, they pronounced their collective opinion that the two frogs were as good as dead. But the frogs in the pit ignored them and kept trying to jump out. Soon, one of the frogs was worn out with jumping and worn down by their shouting that he was wasting his time and lay down and died. But the other frog kept on jumping. The crowd of frogs shouted at her, too, that she should just give up and die. But she began to jump even harder and eventually, to everyone’s surprise, she managed to jump out of the pit. The other frogs clustered round her, saying, ‘We thought you were a goner. We thought you should give up and accept the worst. Didn’t you hear us?’ But the frog said that she was rather deaf. ‘I couldn’t quite make out what you were saying but I couldn’t give up when you were all encouraging me so much to try to get out of the pit.’ You see what encouragement can do? We tend to focus on the bad things that happen to us and don’t take enough time to see what opportunities we have. For example, you might feel bad that something didn’t go as planned. But whether you’ve just had a setback chasing your dreams, whether you have been rejected by someone you care about, whether you’re facing tragedy, or whether you’re just feeling drained from the ups and downs of life, remember that things can turn around very quickly. But to keep your spirits up, you need encouragement. As my frog story shows, giving encouragement is like watering plants. It makes things grow. Encouragement can be transformative. When you encourage someone, you are recognizing their potential and reinforcing their self-belief. If you have dealt with people in this way, you will have discovered that one word of encouragement can be enough to motivate them, give them confdence, signal that they’re doing a good job, and that they should continue what they have started. Think about cheering on a friend during a soccer match, reassuring a child before an exam, or giving positive words to someone at work who is facing a diffcult challenge. These are all circumstances that beg for encouragement. But what can you do if you need encouragement yourself? Whenever you fnd yourself doubting how far you can go, remember how far you have come already and try to counter that negativity. How can you expect victory if you’re planning for defeat? Encouragement will help your selfbelief, give you a more positive outlook on life, help you replace negative with positive thoughts, and motivate you to accomplish great things.

EN CO UR AGEMEN T

Self-encouragement—the power of positive thinking—will be good for your mental health. The way you think about a problem can be as important as the problem itself. You can help yourself and others by building a social context in which you associate with people who believe in your dreams, encourage your ideas, support your ambitions, and bring out the best in you.” I was struck by what the kabouter was saying. As he spoke, I realized that I could be more encouraging to the people I dealt with. I tended to have a pessimistic outlook on life. I remembered many occasions when I could have been more positive, to help myself and others. But the kabouter had more to say—he wanted to talk about the difference between encouragement and praise. “Praise always contains an element of judgment and evaluation. But encouragement is non-judgmental. Praise is only given for good results, but encouragement can be given any time, even when things are going badly. We should all spend more time encouraging people. What’s more, it is extremely important to start this process very early in life. By encouraging your children, you make them aware of their strengths, resources, and capabilities. Encouragement is the most vital aspect of their developmental journey. It’s a crucial aspect of their growth and development, of making them feel worthwhile and appreciated. Unfortunately, human beings are masters of discouragement. They yell, threaten, nag, interrogate, criticize, reward, punish, and isolate when problems arise. And most children receive more than their fair share of this. Too often, we discourage children by being overambitious for them, setting them too high expectations or standards, focusing on mistakes, comparing them with others, making pessimistic comments, or dominating them to the extent of hindering the development of their autonomy.” His words gave me an uncomfortable feeling. Had I pushed my children too hard? Had I set too high standards? I felt a need for reassurance but the kabouter was on a roll. “Everyone can give encouragement to others. It’s a highly effective act of kindness. When you encourage others, you boost their self-esteem, enhance their self-confdence, make them work harder, lift their spirits, and make them successful in their endeavors. What’s more, cheering somebody up is

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a good way to cheer yourself up. Encouragement can be very contagious. All you need is a modicum of empathy, the ability to see the world from the other person’s perspective, and the right words to communicate your belief in their own abilities. Be an encourager and make the world a better place. It’s a no-brainer.”

29 GOOD JUDGMENT

Our morning walk led us to a marshy area. Close to the lake was a steppelike terrain with grasslands at the foot of the ridges, where lingonberries, wild onion, and horsetail were growing. In the shallow bays were thickets of pondweed, with lilies and other water plants foating on the surface. I could see felds of arrowhead, knotweed, and bloodroot, and various kinds of reeds and wild rice round the shore. I also recognized several medicinal plants, including Chinese lemongrass and Siberian ginseng root. The marshes were full of birds. I saw broad-billed rollers, mandarin ducks, little green herons, chestnut bitterns, scaly-sided mergansers, hooded cranes, short-tailed bush warblers, and eastern blue magpies. I suggested that we sit down. I also told the kabouter that, once again, I would like to make a fre. I thought how nice it would be to sit at the edge of the marsh, watching the birds catching insects and other critters. Golden eagles hovered high overhead. I wondered what they were looking for. The snowshoe hare we’d just seen running by? Who knows? It is hard to think like an eagle.

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After some time, the kabouter said, “I said earlier that encouragement is non-judgmental, and so it should be, but I’m afraid that most of us cannot stop ourselves making judgments. It’s part of everyday life. There are so many legends, myths, sagas, and fairy tales about judgment—and I have a story about exactly that.” “One day, a wealthy man died and left his wealth to be divided equally between his two married daughters. Their inheritance turned out to be a mixed bag of land, houses, and jewelry, with no precise values for any item, which made assessing the overall value of the inheritance extremely diffcult. Their father had been well aware of this and before his death had taken steps to divide his estate fairly. Unfortunately, soon after he died, each daughter—encouraged by her husband—believed the other had gotten a much better deal. After an elaborate funeral, both daughters decided to take legal action, claiming that their share of the inheritance was less than that of the other. After many disagreeable incidents, both parties met in court where they told the presiding judge their story. Each said that she had been shortchanged. The judge listened and asked both of the sisters to provide him with a list of the items she had inherited, which they gladly did. After studying the list, the judge gave his verdict: The two daughters had to exchange the things they had inherited with each other.” I smiled. I thought the judgment was quite ingenious. The kabouter said, “I’ve another story. Not about sisters this time but about two brothers who lived together. Both were married and their wives gave birth to sons at approximately the same time. Sadly, the elder brother’s son died during delivery. When he realized what had happened, the older brother stole his brother’s baby and told everyone it was his son. The younger brother was furious and initiated a lawsuit. The case was brought before a judge and both brothers and their wives attended court. The baby was also there, held frmly in the arms of a muscular offcial. The judge listened attentively to the claims and evidence, then gave his verdict: He ordered each woman to take hold of the child and pull him from the offcial’s arms. ‘Whoever is successful in pulling the baby away can keep it,’ he said.” The kabouter looked at me. “What do you think happened?” I said quickly, “The real mother wouldn’t do it. She’d be afraid to hurt the baby.”

GO O D JUD GMEN T

The kabouter said, “That’s exactly what happened. The wife of the older brother pushed forward and started to pull, using all her strength to get the baby. The real mother, seeing what was happening, just touched the baby softly and let go. The judge called a halt. He realized that the wife of the younger brother was afraid of harming the child and concluded that she must be the real mother. So, there we have two examples of good judgment and an idea of the process of judgment: Evaluating events and people, drawing conclusions from the evidence provided, and subsequently making a decision. As I said before, when dealing with people, we always judge and other people do the same to us. Making judgments is a fact of life but they aren’t made in a vacuum. Your judgments are colored by your previous experiences, usually unconsciously, and unhelpfully your experiences often derive from bad judgments. From an evolutionary point of view, judging has always been about survival. In prehistoric times, it would have been important to judge quickly whether a person or encounter could mean danger. In these early Paleolithic times, it could mean the difference between life and death. Your fght-or-fight mechanism needed to go into overdrive. Today, that mechanism is still with us and we are always on our guard. If you don’t believe another person is trustworthy, your judgment will be negative. You might feel an almost instinctive need to protect yourself and your interests. The underlying theme in these judgmental reactions— deriving from evolutionary psychology—is survival. Of course, the greatest sin you can commit is to make a judgment without understanding the person you’re judging. You should always consider the context and get to know his or her story. It could surprise you. Don’t judge people before you know them better. Just as you shouldn’t judge a book by its cover, as the old saying goes, you shouldn’t judge people by what you see on the surface. Remember what we said about the streetlight effect? You may seek out information that confrms your own beliefs, so always keep in mind the factors that could color your judgment. For example, you may respond positively to someone’s warmth and be more ready to trust them but if you don’t have this feeling, or think someone is hiding something from you, you could judge them to be untrustworthy. This ties in with our evolutionary history: We want to surround ourselves with

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people like us because it makes us feel secure, and even give them the beneft of the doubt when they behave badly. Conversely, we are apprehensive about people who are different from us and push them away because we fear that they could harm us. What makes everyday judgments so challenging is the subjective nature of decision-making. Your judgments will be infuenced by biases of which you may be unaware. Are you likely to judge someone positively if you think they have certain capabilities or you admire their social stature? What about how they treat other people? If they are kind and respectful to others, you’re likely to judge them positively, but if you notice manipulative and spiteful behavior, your judgment will be negative. Do you judge people based on the opinions of others? If so, ask yourself whether you can trust their judgment. A risk here is groupthink, when the opinion of the majority, particularly the leader of a group, determines how we judge others. Our potential for biased judgments should always be taken into consideration. Judging doesn’t only defne the person you’re judging; it also defnes you. If you take a step back and analyze your judgment of others, you might learn a thing or two about yourself. All of us are prone to the psychological defense of projection in which perceived personal weaknesses are recognized as a perceived moral defciency in someone else. When you judge someone negatively, it is very possible that you haven’t fully owned or accepted in yourself what irritates you about the other person. An irrational dislike should tell you that something more is going on. It could suggest that transferential factors are playing a role, that the person you are judging so negatively is a stand-in for someone with whom you had a troubled relationship in the past. This can happen the other way round, of course. When other people judge you, it could be more about their own insecurities, limitations, and needs than about yours. The way you evaluate others is not just a function of their objective characteristics; it’s also a refection of your vantage point, which is shaped by your life experiences, goals, and values, as well as your hidden desires and fears. Every time you judge somebody negatively, you could reveal an unhealed wound in yourself.” I stopped the kabouter here. I had heard enough about how easily judgments could go wrong and I needed some advice, if he could give me any, about how I could be fairer in my judgments of others.

GO O D JUD GMEN T

He responded promptly. “If you want to judge someone properly, you should try to put yourself in their shoes. It is hard to judge other people fairly unless you can empathize with them. At the very least, empathy might help you understand their behavior better and it will lead to more balanced judgment. It also helps if you have a solid dose of self-knowledge. The more you understand the way you function, the more you will be able to understand others. Any time you fnd yourself being over-judgmental, you should remind yourself that you have faws too; any time you feel judgmental, you should ask yourself if there is something more going on. Putting it very simply, you should never draw hasty conclusions about anything or anyone. As I said previously, you cannot avoid making judgments, but you can become more conscious of the way you make them. It is often much more productive to be curious about what is happening to you while you’re assessing someone else. In fact, hesitancy, rather than a rush to judgment, may be the mark of a truly refective thinker.”

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30 SEXUAL DESIRE

We got up from the mossy ground, put out the fre, and continued our walk up into a hilly area. Very high up, I could make out a number of male ibexes, sparring on the steep rocky cliffs. They are majestic animals, with long curved horns, and it’s mindboggling how they keep their balance on such sheer cliff faces. Clearly the mating season was in full swing. I was suddenly prompted to ask the kabouter about sexual desire. We hadn’t touched on anything like this in our previous talks. Impulsively, I said, “Who do you think gets more pleasure from sex, men or women?” The kabouter looked profoundly surprised at my question and was quiet for a long time. Had my question been so offensive, ignorant, or facetious that I had actually silenced him? When he fnally spoke, he began, “A long time ago, there lived a king who was admired and appreciated by all his subjects because of his kindness and upright conduct, and because he was a good man. He was deeply loved by his wife and children. One day the king set out on horseback to hunt in the forest and lost his way. He became separated from his attendants and all the other hunters.

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SE X UA L D E SIRE

He searched desperately for them for many hours but eventually collapsed on the shore of a lake, exhausted with thirst and fear. After leading his horse to the water, then tying it safely to a tree, he drank some water himself and dived into the lake to cool down and swim. But, oh dear, this good man, who put his horse before himself even though he was a king, had failed to notice a sign warning that the lake belonged to a witch and that anyone entering the water without her permission would be punished. A strange fate awaited the king. When he stepped out of the water, the witch had put a curse on him. He was no longer a man. The witch had transformed him into a woman. The king lamented her fate but did not let the shock get the better of her senses. Instead, when she and her horse had rested, she began once more to try to fnd her way out of the forest. Within a few hours, she encountered a different hunting party led by another king, who instantly fell in love with her. He begged her to come with him and become his queen. The former king was in a very delicate position, but didn’t think she had much choice, so she consented to go with him. As his queen, she helped the king to govern his grand kingdom, made his lands even more prosperous and as time went on very much enjoyed living in her new domain. Many years passed, then one day she found herself in the same forest, and ahead of her stretched the lake she had once swum in. As she gazed, she saw an old woman on the shore and immediately realized who she was. She knelt before her and asked the witch’s forgiveness for drinking the water and swimming in her lake. The witch, moved by this apology, relented and said she would turn her back into a man again. But to the witch’s surprise, the king refused, saying she wanted to remain a woman for the rest of her life. ‘Because,’ she said, ‘women enjoy sex much more than men.’” The kabouter stopped. Had he given me the answer to my question? It was certainly his shortest monologue so far and one of his better stories. It reminded me of the Greek myth of Tiresias. I assumed that the kabouter knew the myth, as he seemed to have an extraordinary library of stories, but when I asked, he simply nodded and said, “Go ahead.” “This is something I’ve thought about a lot,” I said, “but, frst, here’s the story. Tiresias was the most famous of all the ancient Greek seers. According to this legend, when Tiresias was a young man, he came across a pair of snakes that were mating on the path in front of him.

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Disgusted, Tiresias hit them with a stick, injuring them badly. His violence outraged the goddess Hera, as snakes were sacred to her. As a punishment, Hera transformed Tiresias into a woman. Like the woman-king in your story, Tiresias lived fully as a woman and even gave birth to a daughter. After seven years, he went back to the place where Hera had transformed him and there on the path there were once again mating snakes. This time, however, Tiresias made sure to leave them alone. Hera relented and changed him back into a man. But that was not Tiresias’ only dramatic encounter with Hera. Sometime later, Zeus and Hera called on Tiresias to settle an argument about who got more pleasure from sex. Hera believed that men enjoyed sex more than women while Zeus thought that women enjoyed sex more than men. Since Tiresias was in a unique position to arbitrate in this matter, they turned to him for the answer, which was, ‘Of ten parts a man enjoys one only.’ His answer enraged Hera and in a ft of anger, she blinded him. Zeus, however, felt sorry for Tiresias, but no god—not even Zeus—could undo what another god had done. To make up for it, Zeus gave Tiresias the gift of prophecy and a long life. On the face of it, Tiresias was saying the same thing as the woman-king: Women enjoy sex more than men. Yet both gods were convinced that the opposite sex from their own enjoyed sex more. Why was that? Why was Hera so furious? Why did they see the common ground of a sexual encounter in terms of a battleground? And what exactly did Tiresias’ one-in-ten pronouncement mean? Let’s start with anatomy. There are big differences between male and female orgasm. Female orgasm lasts longer—over twenty seconds on average—while male orgasm is only three to ten seconds. And women can also experience several orgasms at a time with no refractory period. Men, however, can orgasm quickly, while it takes women longer to reach a sexual climax and often they do not orgasm at all. But how do these statistics hold up with the suggestion that women enjoy sex up to ten times more than men? Because the belief that women experience signifcantly more pleasure than men during sex is an enduring one, perpetuated by men. Tiresias appears to reaffrm this belief unhesitatingly. I think this myth has some disturbing messages. Tiresias’ enigmatic comment also seems to reaffrm the idea of women as sexually ravenous and insatiable. This could be seen to buy into the belief that men need

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to control the sexual interactions and sexuality of women. This story could also be interpreted as a rationalization of male domination and patriarchy—a system of government where men hold the power, excluding women entirely. The myth also seems to suggest that any time a sexual encounter takes place between a man and a woman, it is the woman who wants it, regardless of her mental and physical state and of any sign made to the contrary. In other words, when a woman says ‘No,’ she really means ‘Yes,’ a fantasy that persists to the present day. And how objective was Tiresias, really? He must have had a unique perspective on sexual pleasure. He must have learned how to give pleasure to both men and women. But he also must have known how much harder it is to manipulate the clitoris than the penis. So why did he say that women enjoy sex so much more than men? I reckon Zeus and Tiresias were in collusion. Could it be that Tiresias wanted to punish Hera for turning him into a woman? Also, Zeus was a compulsive and serial adulterer, so Tiresias’ response might have helped Zeus to rationalize his activities by suggesting that it’s OK to have sex with nine other women for every one time that he had sex with his wife. Either way, I can see why Hera would have been so furious. Could it be that the real moral of this tale is not only to caution men for their sexual improprieties, but also to make them better acquainted with the other sex? They need to understand what women have been saying all along—that sometimes sex hurts, that often women don’t have an orgasm, and that far too often sex is about power, about male domination. What do you think?” The kabouter just smiled.

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We decided that it was time to go back to the cave. While walking, a snowshoe hare crossed our path. Hares, for very good reasons, are nervous creatures. Too many predators like to have a piece of their hide. This animal was still in its summer colours although already it had some patches of white. The kabouter looked at it and said, “It isn’t always easy to keep your head when everybody else is losing theirs.” I asked, “What do you mean?” The kabouter said, “Now, this is quite a silly story, but that animal has brought it to my mind. It’s about a hare that was sleeping under a crab apple tree. Suddenly, it woke up and as it did so a few of the crab apples were blown off the tree and fell behind it. Hearing the noise, the hare panicked, saying to itself, ‘The Earth is breaking up!’ and it leapt up and started running as fast as it could away from the noise. Another hare saw the frst hare racing along and ran after it to fnd out what was happening.

DOI:10.4324/9781003452867-36

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At frst, the hare was too busy running to reply but when the other hare had caught up, it said, ‘Haven’t you heard? The Earth is breaking up!’ When it said that, the second hare joined it, and so did all the other hares that saw them passing. Eventually, there were hundreds of hares, all running as fast as they could. The hares passed a deer, and screamed to it that the Earth was breaking up. The deer immediately joined them and, in its turn, it called to a fox that the Earth was breaking up and the fox ran along with them. On and on they ran, until they formed an army of animals—badgers, raccoon dogs, lynxes, wolves, and many others. As they came running down the mountain, they saw a bear. It roared at them to stop. ‘Oh, great bear,’ they said, ‘the Earth is breaking up.’ ‘Who saw the Earth breaking up?’ asked the bear. ‘Not I,’ said the wolf. ‘The fox told me.’ ‘I didn’t,’ said the fox. ‘A hare told me about it,’ said the deer. But when the bear asked the hares, one after another, they all said, ‘I didn’t see it, but another hare told me about it.’ Finally, the bear came to the hare who had frst said that the Earth was breaking up. ‘And is it true?’ asked the bear. ‘Yes, great bear, it really is,’ said the hare. ‘I was asleep under a crab apple tree. I was dreaming that the Earth had broken up. And then I heard the sound of the Earth breaking up behind me, and I started to run.’ ‘So,’ said the bear, ‘let’s go back to that place.’ The bear and the hare went back to crab apple tree as fast as possible and all the other animals waited for them. When they arrived at the place where the hare had been sleeping, the bear saw the crab apples on the ground. He said to the hare, ‘It must have been the sound of all these crab apples falling that you heard. You idiot hare!’ The bear went back to the foot of the mountain and told the other animals what had happened. ‘Without me,’ it growled, ‘you might still be running, and all because an idiot hare can’t tell the difference between falling apples and an earthquake.’”

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The kabouter asked me, “What do you make of this story?” I shook my head. I had no idea where he was going. The kabouter seemed a bit put out. “All too often, we are pulled along in life, running here and there, just doing what everyone else is doing with no idea why. Because human beings are herd animals. We are sheeples. If one person panics, everyone else does. Instead of being like the hares in my story, you should stop, pull yourself together and ask yourself why you’re running and where to? Instead of following the crowd, calm down, keep still, and stay grounded. Hang on to the core of who you are. Don’t be swayed by a herd mentality. In your evolutionary past, your ancestors were under constant threat. To minimize the danger, they would get as close to the center of the group as possible, just as herd animals do today. Modern humans have inherited the same patterns of behavior. They mirror other people’s behavior without giving it much thought. When anxious, they resort to action, instead of refecting on why they’re doing what they’re doing. Action makes them feel better and creates a sense that they’re in control. So, if you fall into the action trap, you should ask yourself why you are compelled to be so busy. Ask yourself what’s behind all this busyness? Is it some kind of psychological defense against feeling low? Because economic, social, and political events can trigger changes that come at you so quickly that you easily fall into the action trap. Negative noise is all around. When you are surrounded by chaos in your day-to-day life, you will be constantly on high alert. But you don’t have to absorb everything other people, the media, or social networks present. When you stay grounded you can be selective about what you allow to infuence you. In particular, you need to flter out opinion from fact. There are too many socio-cultural infuences that prevent you from feeling good about yourself. You need to stand your ground against people or sources that are fear-based and emotionally charging. Not being grounded can be detrimental to your mental health. Feeling anxious, scared, or out of control can be agonizing. But if you stay grounded, you stay connected to your calm, steady center. Even when things that are happening in your life threaten to overwhelm you, having deep, strong roots will anchor you. That’s not to say that being grounded

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means that you should deny your natural, emotional responses to stressful situations. It means that you don’t behave like the clueless hare in my story. Instead, you make a conscious choice to turn to your inner source for courage, trust, and resilience. You should always take time out to refect when faced with life challenges. Don’t give in to knee-jerk reactions. Refection means giving yourself permission to take a breather. Stress, worry, and doubt are major negative forces in life—but only if you allow them to be so. Being grounded means having control over yourself, your emotions, and the stories you tell yourself. And by staying grounded, you will not only earn the respect of others, you will also strengthen your selfconfdence. Taking a longer-term perspective, if you stay grounded, it is more likely that you will look back at your life without regrets, knowing you have lived the life you wanted to live. Of course, life is always going to be full of surprises. You will not always have the luxury of being in control of every aspect of your life. In fact, life has a funny way of undermining the best-laid plans, usually when you least expect it. But if you have suffcient self-confdence, you will be able to deal with the calamities that are part of living. To keep your feet on the ground, it is important to remember that whatever happens, it too shall pass. The most successful people didn’t get where they are now without facing challenges on the way. In almost all cases, their successes were preceded by many failures. But failure taught them how to deal with adversity and how to overcome setbacks. To stay grounded in the face of adversity, you need to master the art of positive reframing, which I’ve talked about before. Try to maintain a positive outlook. Building your self-confdence will give you the strength to deal with the challenges that come your way. You should own your own life: Don’t think you have to live according to what other people—your parents, teachers, or others—say. If you want to live a life that provides meaning, have a purpose, use your gifts as best you can to make the right choices, create feelings of belonging with those close to you, and devote yourself to activities that are bigger than yourself. None of us knows what the future holds. When things become too heavy on your mind, being grounded will keep you frmly rooted within

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yourself and help you keep your sense of reality. Overcoming challenges is what makes life so interesting. When you stay grounded, you will discover that you have become stronger, wiser, more resourceful, and resilient. And when the next crisis comes around, you will be able to trust yourself and fnd your grounding again. You won’t be one of those running around mindlessly like the hare in my story, for all the wrong reasons.”

32 SELF-CARE

As the kabouter talked, we were following an animal track in the taiga. We were surrounded by spruce, pine, and fr trees. Among them, the leaves of deciduous trees like birch, poplar, and aspen were turning yellow and orange and the undergrowth was full of ferns and moss. And at a muddy place, I recognized the very fresh pug marks of a Siberian tiger. I thought about the one I had seen before that had been walking to the edge of the lake to take a drink. But that was from a distance. Now, I must admit that I found these fresh marks quite worrying. With the thick growth around us, the big cat could be hiding anywhere. But the kabouter didn’t seem to be worried. A little further on we saw and heard much commotion among some ravens that were picking at the remains of a small wild boar, no doubt the overnight prey of the tiger. Bones and pieces of fur littered the area. We carried on towards the hills and after a short climb, sat down on the grass. The kabouter said, “I expect you know the story of Cinderella?” “I do indeed,” I said, “and I think it’s my turn to tell a story.”

DOI:10.4324/9781003452867-37

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The kabouter nodded. “Once upon a time,” I began, “there was a widowed nobleman who had a daughter, who was as kind and lovely as her mother had been. Lonely after the death of his wife, the nobleman decided to marry again and chose a woman who had been married before and had two daughters of her own. They, too, were much like their mother but unfortunately that meant they were jealous, bullying, and ignorant, something their mother had been careful to hide from her new husband. Soon, the girl’s stepmother and stepsisters were making her life a misery. All her goodness showed them up in their true colors and they were cruel and spiteful to her. She was made to do the meanest and dirtiest work in the house— cleaning, washing, scrubbing, and cleaning out the freplaces. It was the reason she was given the name Cinderella. The girl became a drudge, sleeping on straw in the stables while her stepsisters slept on luxurious goose-feather beds, wearing rags while her stepmother and her daughters dressed in the fnest silk. Yet she said nothing to her father, who seemed devoted to his new wife. You know how the story continues—the fairy godmother, the magic spell, the pumpkin turned into a golden coach, the mice playing in the hearth transformed into horses, Cinderella’s rags changed into silk, and Cinderella herself whisked off to the prince’s ball, where she was the most beautiful woman in the room, unrecognized by her stepmother and stepsisters. How, after midnight when the magic wore off, she left a glass slipper behind and how the prince tried it on the feet of every woman in the land until he found the woman it ftted, after which they all lived happily ever after, except, presumably, her splenetic stepmother and her daughters.” The kabouter said, “Yes, who doesn’t know how the story ends? But don’t you fnd it disturbing that its message seems to be that if a woman is to be happy, she needs to be saved by a man? So many fairy tales end with the same message. But is that what women want to hear? These tales are never about empowered women making a life of their own. Quite the opposite: They mostly martyr themselves for others. I touched on self-care—the need to take care of yourself—when we talked about selfshness but perhaps I should be clear about what I mean by self-care. You could defne it as taking care of yourself physically, socially, and emotionally; essentially, making a conscious decision to promote your

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own welfare. This will be vital in building resilience against stress and staving off burnout. It will help you form stronger interpersonal relationships. And most likely, you will be happier. Despite all these benefts, too many people view self-care as a luxury rather than as a priority. However, as they don’t take care of themselves, they’re left feeling overwhelmed, tired, and ill-equipped to handle life’s challenges. After all, when you fll every minute of your day with activity—if you never take time out for yourself—you will quickly become exhausted. In contrast, if you’re willing to take the time to care for yourself, you will avoid sinking to such a low state. Self-care has nothing to do with narcissism or selfshness. It isn’t a prescription for self-indulgence. Taking care of yourself doesn’t mean ‘me frst.’ It means ‘me too.’ It is a form of self-preservation. While it is very laudable to help others, you shouldn’t forget to help yourself. After all, you will not be available to others if you don’t take care of yourself. So, how do you go about taking care of yourself? What does it involve? There are no quick fxes. You are in it for the long haul. When you feel overworked, I’m afraid the answer isn’t simply to take a sabbatical or leave of absence. If you wait until you get sick before taking a break, slowing down, and changing direction, you have probably already gone a step too far. Self-care involves taking care of yourself on a daily, regular, and sustainable basis. It means giving yourself permission to pause and replace a vicious cycle of stress with a virtuous cycle of self-care incorporated into your daily routines. Self-care will help you build an armor that will help you survive and thrive. But frst you must assess your own needs. You must take regular stock of which areas of your life need attention. Any self-care plan needs to be customized to these needs. Self-care isn’t a one size fts all formula. Make a list of the different aspects of your life and the major activities you engage in every day. You’ll probably fnd most of these are related to your work and relationships. Self-care has physical, social, and mental components. For example, physical self-care means getting the sleep you need, making sure that you eat and drink healthily, having regular health checkups, and keeping ft and active. Bear in mind that people who think they have no time for physical exercise will sooner or later have to fnd time for illness. Then there is social self-care. Close connections with other people are extremely important for your well-being. Human beings are wired for

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connection, not for isolation. Naturally, social needs will vary from person to person. You need to fgure out how to create an optimal social life and be realistic about what you can and can’t do. When you have a very busy working life, it can be hard to make time for friends and family members and too easy to neglect them. But numerous little things will count, like making a phone call, sending a note to a friend, waving at a neighbor, smiling at a stranger. In today’s world, there are too many factors beyond your control, so be intentional in focusing your energy and actions on the things you can do something about. This could mean learning to say ‘no’ and being stricter about boundary management. The ability to say ‘no’ can be seen as the ultimate form of self-care. When you are inclined to say ‘yes’ to people, always consider whether it will mean that you have to say ‘no’ to yourself. Your time and energy are precious and you should actively choose how you use them. And so, we come to mental self-care. Are you making enough time for activities that stimulate you mentally or spiritually? Think about what you enjoy doing, what gives you energy, and what helps you relax. The potential spectrum for this kind of mental self-care is enormous. It could mean taking a walk in the park after a day’s work to clear your head, listening to a piece of music, reading a favorite book, watching or participating in a sport, visiting a museum, or quite simply talking to a friend, having something delicious to drink or eat, sending a text or photograph to someone close, or looking at photographs of the places you’ve visited. Brains need regular breaks to function properly. You should make it a habit to plan something to look forward to every day. You should try to create good moments for yourself. This is not idleness. You aren’t doing nothing when you choose to look out of the window, stretch out on the grass, listen to the murmur of a river, or watch birds fy by. Your mind is still in an operating mode; in fact, it’s busily recharging itself. Mental self-care can also involve asking yourself questions about the nature of your professional and personal relationships. Is the way you’re living your life stressing you out? Is your work situation untenable? Does it bring you any pleasure? Have your family relationships become very stressful? Do you need to make major changes in your life? Self-care is important in helping you to live a fuller life. If you want to infuence the world around you, even in minor ways, the real work begins

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inside yourself and radiates outwards. When you’re able to take care of yourself, it’s easier to be compassionate toward others. You’re more likely to be able to put yourself in other people’s shoes and understand their needs.” I thought that the kabouter had fnished. But he was only drawing breath—he had another story for me. “This is a very old story. It’s about a bird that had two heads. Each head had a mind of its own but, generally, the bird led a very normal life, with the heads cooperating with each other to ensure the bird’s survival. But one day, the frst head spotted an apple hanging on a tree—just one apple, and the frst head started to tuck into it. The second head begged for a taste, but the frst head said, ‘Don’t be stupid! Two heads, one stomach—you’ll get as much out of it as me.’ The second head had to give in, but it was angry and bitter. When the bird next stopped to rest, the second head plucked a poisonous berry and said to the frst head, ‘You wouldn’t share your apple, see what you think of this.’ The frst head cried out, ‘Don’t be stupid! Two heads, one stomach— you will suffer just as much as me!’ But it was too late and the bird died.” And the kabouter was silent, while I thought, “What was that about?”

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We decided to continue our climb. The scenery was breath-taking and in the distance we could see the modest dwelling of the sage. The kabouter looked at it and said, “The sage told me a memorable story once. Would you like to hear it?” Of course, I wanted to hear it. “Two men went to a nearby town to consult a sage. The frst man said, ‘I’m thinking of moving to this town. Can you tell me what’s it like living there?’ The sage asked, ‘What can you tell me about the town you now live in?’ The frst man said, ‘It’s a miserable place to live and the people are horrible. When I frst came to the town, I did some stupid things and a lot of the people there have never forgotten them and remind me about them even now. I can’t get their nasty remarks out of my mind. I have always hated living there.’ The sage said, ‘The people in this town are much the same. I don’t think you should move here.’

DOI:10.4324/9781003452867-38

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The frst man’s shoulders slumped and he left. Then the second man came in. He too said, ‘I’m thinking of moving into this town. Can you tell me what living here is like?’ The sage asked, ‘What can you tell me about the town you currently live in?’ The second man said, ‘Oh, my town is wonderful, and the people are very nice. Even though I didn’t know the ropes when I frst moved there, and did some stupid things, everybody I met was really helpful. To be honest, I’m hesitant to leave but I feel I need a change of scenery.’ The sage said, ‘The people in this town are much the same. I’m sure you would like it here.’” The kabouter asked me, “What do you think of this story?” I told him that the frst man clearly had negative experiences that kept reverberating in his mind, making him very unhappy. His thoughts colored his perceptions and attitude toward the people in the town. The second man, although he had also had some diffcult experiences, was much kinder in his assessment of the place. He recognized that everyone makes mistakes and that nobody is perfect. He was able to forgive himself for whatever he had done, to move on and to build a happy life. The kabouter said, “Yes, that’s right. The story is about selfcompassion, which simply means offering the same kindness to yourself as you would to others. Compassion is a two-way process: Outwardly, compassion is the ability to reach out to people who are in diffculty; self-compassion is turning understanding, acceptance, and love inward, not holding yourself to impossible standards, being kind to yourself and accepting all your faws and imperfections, particularly in the face of setbacks. Self-compassion is a great vehicle for personal development. It triggers a rich inner dialogue about your capabilities and limitations. This more realistic evaluation can guide you towards activities that are aligned with your personality, beliefs, and values. By behaving in a more congruent manner, you will also have a better understanding what you’re all about. We talked before about people’s fear of their darker side and reluctance to confront it. But embracing and integrating both positive and negative parts of themselves can contribute to positive changes in their life. Self-compassion and psychological well-being are close cousins.” I told the kabouter that I very much agreed with this observation.

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He went on, “As you may have discovered by now, both personal and work situations require self-compassion. In particular, you need it after a major transgression, such as romantic infdelity, a professional setback, a confict with a colleague, or missing out on a promotion that you expected. Self-compassion will be most needed in situations that involve dishonesty, betrayal, hurting someone you care about, and disappointment. The question becomes how to show compassion to yourself? How can you manage the emotional turmoil you are experiencing? Will you direct these emotions outwards or inwards?” I was thinking about my own situation. I imagined that I did both—and I told him so. The kabouter said, “A common response to a painful situation is to blame someone for what happened to you. If you’re inclined to do that, you’re no exception. Another response, however, is to direct your anger inwards blaming yourself. The question then becomes, how will you process and cope with this inner critique? Will you dwell on the matter? Will those negative thoughts continue to haunt you, creating sustained emotional distress? As I mentioned to you before, anger directed inwards only leads to depressive feelings. The question becomes, will you be able to forgive yourself? In other words, the way you think and respond to situations greatly infuences your psychological well-being. Dwelling excessively on past events and mistakes can poison your mind and will have a negative impact on your long-term happiness and wellbeing. Conversely, when something bad happens to you, it would be better to accept that everyone makes mistakes and to forgive yourself, let it go, and learn from it. In other words, responding to stressful incidents with self-compassion can preserve your mental health and boost your sense of self-worth because it means you genuinely care about your own wellbeing. The most effective people are those who feel genuine compassion for themselves and their circumstances and apply that same compassion to others. What you do will very much depend on the severity of your inner critic.” I asked the kabouter what he meant by an inner critic. He explained, “You have grown up with this inner critic. It usually stems from early childhood experiences, the standards and values instilled in you by your parents or other early caretakers. You’re likely to adopt them as a blueprint for your perception of the world. But if your perception of

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yourself does not correlate with their values, if you fnd yourself thinking ‘I’m not good enough’ or ‘I should have done much better,’ you can begin to think you are unworthy. In the long run, your subjective and selfcritical perceptions of whether you have lived up to the values that you have internalized will have an impact on your self-worth, which in turn will determine whether your inner critic tells you if you’re ‘good enough.’ How ‘good enough’ you will feel will also determine how selfcompassionate you are. Some people feel that they’ve never lived up to the kind of behavior that’s expected of them. Unfortunately, as you can imagine, this can turn into a self-fulflling prophecy. To prevent this from happening, you must confront this inner critic and to contain it so that you are able to feel more self-compassion. Self-compassionate people demonstrate three kinds of behaviors. First, they tend to be kind rather than judgmental about their own failures and mistakes; second, they recognize that failures are a shared human experience; and third, they take a more balanced approach to negative emotions when they stumble or fall short. In other words, they allow themselves to feel bad, but they don’t let negative emotions take over. They don’t let their inner critic dominate them. Instead of suppressing your pain or dissatisfaction with whatever has happened to you, face it. Acknowledge and accept your faws and take care not to fall into the trap of negative self-talk. This can help you attain a more realistic self-appraisal, which is the foundation for self-awareness, acceptance, and self-improvement. Instead of being haunted by feelings of shame and guilt over what has happened, this shift in mindset will motivate you to look for ways to work on your weaknesses, change your bad habits, and enhance your skills. The frst thing you need to do is to make peace with your inner critic and give yourself permission to treat yourself just like you treat your friends or family members when they fail or screw up. You must allow yourself the freedom to be imperfect. Self-compassion means recognizing the difference between making a bad decision and being a bad person. The frst doesn’t make you the second. If you hold on to negative or unkind thoughts about yourself, you’re likely to experience sustained suffering. Self-compassion also means accepting that you are human and likely to make mistakes. This will make you feel more connected to other people because everyone experiences hardships and diffculties. Instead of

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thinking ‘poor me,’ you should reframe those thoughts into ‘Nobody’s perfect. What can I do to move forward?’ You could also practice self-forgiveness. Although you should be aware of your shortcomings, you shouldn’t pass too harsh a judgment on yourself. Instead, look at your faws and setbacks as learning experiences and opportunities to grow. Embrace rather than avoid these challenges, persist in fnding meaning in them, and, most importantly, don’t give up on yourself. Practicing gratitude can also be a very powerful way to refocus on what you have instead of what you don’t have. It means noticing, affrming, and appreciating the good things in your life. Gratitude can be a buffer against feelings of inadequacy. It can be good for your mental health, as it moves your focus away from rumination toward appreciation. Being mindful—and by that I mean being fully present, aware of where you are and what you’re doing—can also be helpful. When you are haunted by negative thoughts, it may help you to take time out and ground yourself in the present. This doesn’t mean that you should ignore the past. You will learn from your past, but thinking about negative past experiences needs to be balanced with your aspirations for the future. Also, thinking positively about your past will remind you of important relationships, bring back memories of the things that have given your life meaning, and help you prioritize what’s truly important. These refections will play an important role in the way you conceive of yourself, enabling a sense of self-continuity, helping you to construct a coherent identity. Generosity is another way to practice self-compassion. However, generosity should not just be about selfess giving. You should consciously choose the recipients of your generosity, taking into consideration the resources you have available, and your level of energy. Doing good for others can make you feel better, but only if it doesn’t have a negative impact on your own well-being. Cultivating new patterns of thought or behavior takes effort, and it can be tough to learn self-compassion all on your own. You might need help from a psychotherapist or coach to achieve a more realistic perspective of yourself and others and guide you to be kinder to yourself.”

34 CARPE DIEM

By now we had returned to the kabouter’s cave but despite his long monologue, he was still turning over in his mind questions of non-judgment, staying grounded, self-care, and self-compassion. We had not been back for long before he said, “Our last few conversations have reminded me of another story.” “There was once an old farmer who had worked his land for many years. One day his horse ran away. On hearing the news, his neighbors came to visit. ‘Such bad luck,’ they said sympathetically. ‘Maybe,’ the farmer replied. The next morning the horse returned, bringing with it three wild horses. ‘How wonderful,’ everybody said. ‘Maybe,’ replied the old man. The following day, his son tried to ride one of the wild horses, was thrown off, and broke his leg. The neighbors again came to offer their sympathy. ‘Maybe,’ answered the farmer. The day after, military offcials came to the village to draft all the young men into the army. Seeing that the farmer’s son’s leg was broken, they passed him by. The neighbors congratulated the farmer on how things had turned out. ‘Maybe,’ said the farmer again.” DOI:10.4324/9781003452867-39

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“What do you make out of the farmer’s reactions?” asked the kabouter. His short story had really gotten to me and I found it diffcult to answer. After some thought, I said, “The farmer seems to be practicing an extreme form of non-judgment. He seems to know that you can’t judge any event as an end in itself. He appears to be grounded to the point of unfappability. Of course, it is comforting to know that good can come from bad circumstances. But the story raises the question of what’s good and what’s bad. Most likely, everything that happens to us in life is a mixture of good and bad. The moral of the story could be that you should just take things as they come and go with the fow. But there’s nothing in this story about any form of emotion. In fact, the farmer seems to have no emotional life at all. The story is all about ups and downs, but he reacts to both in exactly the same way.” The kabouter said, “Yes, the farmer is far too passive. Now, I’ve got a more colorful story about a fsherman. Would you like to hear it?” I knew, I would anyway, but I still said, “Yes, of course.” “The story goes as follows. A fsherman was sitting happily on the bank of a beautiful river, staring at the line of his rod. He was enjoying the warmth of the afternoon sun and looking forward to catching a fsh. Along came a businessman, walking by the river, taking time out from the stress of work. He noticed the fsherman sitting on the bank and decided to fnd out why he was fshing instead of working. After all, he looked quite young. Why wasn’t he somewhere else, making a living for himself and his family? The businessman stopped next to the fsherman and said, ‘You aren’t going to catch many fsh like that. And shouldn’t you be working instead of sitting on the riverbank?’ The fsherman looked up at the businessman, smiled and asked, ‘What would I get out of that?’ ‘Well, if you were working, you would make money. And the money you made would buy you nets and you would catch more fsh,’ said the businessman. ‘And what would I get out of that?’ asked the fsherman. The businessman replied, ‘You would make even more money, buy a boat, and catch even more fsh!’ ‘And what would I get out of that?’ asked the fsherman again. The businessman snapped impatiently, ‘Isn’t it obvious? You could buy more boats and hire people to work for you!’

C A RPE D IEM

‘And what would I get out of that?’ repeated the fsherman. By now, the businessman was angry. ‘Do you really not understand? You could build up a whole feet of fshing boats, sail them all over the world, and get your crews to catch fsh for you!’ And once again, the fsherman asked, ‘And what would I get out of that?’ That was the fnal straw for the businessman. He shouted, ‘Do I have to spell it out? You would become so rich that you would never have to work again! You could spend the rest of your days sitting on the bank of this river, fshing, without a care in the world!’ The fsherman just smiled at him and said, ‘But that’s what I am doing right now! Why should I go through all those intermediate steps? I am very happy as it is. I don’t need all those distractions.’” I laughed. I thought it was a funny story. But why had the kabouter decided to tell it to me? “I expect you know what carpe diem means,” he said. “I do,” I replied. “It means ‘seize the day.’” “That’s right,” said the kabouter. “Carpe diem is one of the oldest philosophical mottos in Western cultural history. It was frst used more than 2,000 years ago by the Roman poet Horace. ‘Seize the day’ means you should focus on what’s happening right now. You should savor the uniqueness and value of every moment, and shouldn’t postpone things unnecessarily, because life is very short. In that respect, carpe diem is related to another Latin phrase, memento mori, which means ‘remember that you will die.’ Of course, carpe diem means different things to different people. For some it’s about taking advantage of a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. For others, it is about enjoying a quiet life, and for yet others it is about indulging in wild hedonism. You should not confuse carpe diem with hedonism, however. Carpe diem means using the present as a tool for the future, but hedonists don’t care what the future holds as they will be dead. But neither should you equate carpe diem with fatalism. Fatalists believe that they have no power to infuence the future or the outcome of their own actions, because everything is predetermined. Fundamentally, carpe diem is about how you look at time. Some people live in the past, brooding over things that have already happened. For other

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people only the future matters. They spend their lives dreaming about what might be. But although past and future will affect you, they shouldn’t control you. Carpe diem means taking full advantage of the present moment, making the most out of the limited time you have. Live the life you want to live right now. If there are things you are dreaming of doing, do them now. Don’t look for reasons to postpone things. With this sort of outlook on life, stressful emotions relating to both the past and the future, like sadness, anger, and fear, will have much less impact. So, you see, seize the day is a very simple message. But unfortunately, it has been hijacked by the mindfulness movement. Mindfulness has its benefts, but one of its unintended consequences has been to encourage the idea that seizing the day is all about living in the here and now. But imagining that you are capable of just living in the moment will be dangerously misleading. Consciously or unconsciously, your personal history will affect you. It is not an unencumbered ride. The past and the future will always carry considerable weight. The idea has also been annexed by the more unscrupulous, like ad men and self-help gurus, and exploited in the context of conspicuous consumption and instant gratifcation. So, it’s important to refocus on the true meaning of carpe diem. A key message of carpe diem is not to look back at your life with regrets. While you live, try to be the best that you can be. Try to fgure out what’s truly important to you. What activities bring you joy? What energizes you? What should you avoid doing? Carpe diem means investing in yourself and taking care of yourself. This is very different from focusing on the mistakes you’ve made, the things you could have done, would have done, or should have done. That attitude to life only leads to depression and inertia. Carpe diem is about doing things and grabbing opportunities. Living is so much more than having a good job, a large house, or a fashy car. Instead, by living a life of meaning, you can be an important role model for others. You can show them how to acquire the right values, encourage them to respect others, and to care for the world at large. Only you can make your life as good as it can be. We only grow when we turn endings into new beginnings. Every journey we make is both an ending and a beginning. If you seize the day, you will see every exit as the entrance to someplace else.”

35 EDUCATION

The kabouter’s words had sounded a very sensitive chord in me. I knew I didn’t create many happy moments for myself. Too often I dwelt on the past with regrets and looked to the future with fear. The kabouter seemed to sense what I was feeling. Now he took out his pipe and after lighting it, said, “Many people try to make new beginnings through their children. They go to great lengths to educate them to face future challenges and make them familiar with the fragility of things that can seem to be indestructible, none more so than the state of our planet. In fact, our best hope for the survival of our planet could be the proper education of younger generations. Our children and grandchildren could become better guardians of our Earth than we and our ancestors have been.” Nothing the kabouter said could have started touched me deeper. Many of my fears for the future centered on humankind’s selfsh pursuits, which I saw as an invitation to self-destruction. For several years now, I had been aware of the real and present danger of what has become known as the tragedy of the commons—when individuals with access to a shared

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resource (commons) act in their own interests and, in doing so, ultimately deplete that resource. Now, on our ffth day together, I felt for the frst time a shift in our relationship, a complicity and mutual understanding that shortened the distance between teacher and pupil that I had been so conscious of until this point. We sat in companionable silence for a while, the kabouter puffng gently on his pipe, until he said, “I have a story about two boys and a king.” I sat back to listen. “Two boys were exploring a forest when they came across a king who had lost his way. (Have you noticed how often kings get lost in forests in these stories? It must be a hazard of the job.) Well, this particular king had been going round in circles in the forest for a very long time, unable to fnd his way out. He was completely exhausted and in desperate need of food and drink. But luckily the two boys knew the forest like the backs of their hands and had also brought some bread and water with them. They gave this to the king and he began to feel better. When he had regained some strength, the boys led him to the edge of the forest and showed him the way to his castle. The grateful king invited them to go with him. When they arrived at the castle, he told his courtiers to give them a good meal and when they had fnished eating to bring them to him in his throne room. The boys arrived and the king said, ‘I thank you both from the bottom of my heart. How can I reward your kindness?’ The frst boy did not hesitate. ‘Your majesty, please may I have a herd of cattle and some land?’ The king said yes immediately. The second boy thought for a while, then said, ‘Your majesty, my parents are very poor. Although they wanted to, they were unable to give me an education. That is what I really would like to have.’ Once again, the king agreed immediately. Both boys went away happy, the frst to his land and cattle and the second to his books. The latter became an excellent student and when he had completed his studies, the king made him governor of one of his provinces. Many years later, a devastating famine hit the kingdom. All the frst boy’s cattle died and he had to sell his land to survive. But the second boy’s education stood him in good stead. He knew what measures to take to keep the people in his province from starvation and how to husband the resources still available to them.

ED U C AT I O N

And the moral of the story, of course, is that education is critical for the individual and for society. To build a nation, it should be available to everyone. It is a fundamental human right. Education might be expensive, but ignorance costs a great deal more. I would go so far as to say that the way in which a population is educated will be the principal determinant of its future. When people are given an education, they can pursue their dreams. Education will enable them to overcome all kinds of challenges. It will provide them with a much richer life. In addition, with education, they will not only be able to make their own way but will also be able to help others to fnd their way. Education is an investment. And as the story of the two boys and the lost king shows, nothing and no one can take learning away from you. Education is the key that unlocks the golden door to freedom. Just think what education can do: Prevent ignorance, empower people, build confdence, open and expand minds, develop considered opinions. Education cannot begin too soon and it starts in the home. Every word spoken within the hearing of children at this early phase in life, when a mind is most malleable, should be viewed as educational. Home is the place where children learn some of the most basic lessons about truth, honor, virtue, self-control, and the value of work. Conversely, nothing can really compensate for the failure to respect the home as a space for learning. Children need champions: Adults who believe in them, do not give up on them, encourage them, give them hope, fre their imagination, teach them to think for themselves, and help them become the best they can possibly be. There is another important aspect to this: When you educate children you also educate yourself. The experience of having children can be one of the most enriching educational journeys any of us make. Nothing can be compared to having full responsibility for another human being. In the most fundamental way, having children will teach you many things about love and bonding. One more thing. There is a saying: When you educate a man, you educate one person. But when you educate a woman, you educate a nation. In too many countries the education of women is neglected or disparaged. Even worse, in some it is forbidden. This is an unforgivable waste. It is essential for girls to go to school because someday they will become their

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children’s frst teachers. Countries that have invested in girls’ education and removed the legal barriers that prevented them from achieving their potential are already reaping the benefts. Educated women can become real catalysts for change. Education means hope—hope for yourself and hope for humanity. The love of learning will help us create a better world and a better future.”

36 HOPE

The kabouter paused. He was obviously following a particular line of thought and when he next spoke, it was clear where it had led him. “Ah, hope,” he said. “When all is said and done, hope is what will get us through the darkest of times. We all need hope. We need positive feelings about the immediate or long-term future. We need the energy hope gives us to fght against existential anxiety. We use the word hope in many different situations, with a complexity of meanings. Generally, feelings of hope tend to be coupled with a high degree of motivation, optimism, and a generally elevated mood. It is hope that inspires you to attempt the impossible; it is hope that enables you carry on during diffcult times; it is hope that helps you to believe you will overcome what looks like a hopeless situation. In other words, hope allows you to approach problems with a mindset built for success, increasing the chances that you will accomplish what you set out to do. Hopeful people tend to fnd silver linings in even the most challenging situations.

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Hope is often linked to optimism but there are important differences between the two. Optimism is an attitude, an assumption that things will turn out all right without considering the question of whether you have any agency in making that happen. With hope there is no such assumption. On the contrary. Hopeful people don’t simply believe that good things will happen—they also believe that their actions can bring about their desired goals. It is more action oriented. In other words, hope is the process of setting goals and following through on them, while optimism is a positive thought pattern. Thus, in stressful or challenging situations, where a positive outcome isn’t a given, when you need a powerful shot of motivation, hope can make all the difference. Hope will give you the agency to pursue your desired goals. Hope will enable you to approach problems with a positive mindset that is primed for success. Hope will make the present moment less diffcult to bear. In other words, hope makes life worth living. Hope and trust seem to be interlinked and both are established early in childhood, during what is termed the trust phase of life, between birth and eighteen months, when children are almost entirely dependent on their caregivers for food, shelter, and protection. When their needs are met, the foundation is laid for a basic sense of trust. But if a child is failed by its caregivers, the opposite happens and the child will develop fundamental distrust toward the world, which will continue into adulthood. The way this link evolves is related to how a child’s early expectations about care are dealt with by its parents. Everything depends on the quality of the caregiving the child receives. A child hopes that its deepest desires (for food, protection, shelter) will be met and when they are, hope will give way to trust. As time goes by, these experiences of trust and satisfed hope will be enlarged to transform into a more generalized hopeful outlook.” The kabouter paused to refresh his pipe. “What do you remember of the Greek myth about how hope came into the world?” “The story of Pandora’s box?” I said. “I’ll tell you the tale I learned when I was a child.” “In the beginning, the Earth was a paradise of natural beauty but the only humans on it were men, created by the god Prometheus for his own amusement, which angered the great god Zeus. When Prometheus went too far and stole fre from heaven to give to his men, Zeus took revenge.

H O PE

He had a woman made and named her Pandora, which meant ‘a gift to all.’ Before Zeus sent her to Earth, he gave Pandora a beautiful box, but it came with a chilling warning—Pandora was to take particular care of the box, but she was never, ever to open it. Well, the inevitable happened. Who could resist such a temptation? Eventually Pandora opened the box and out few all the evils of the world—sorrow, disease, vice, violence, greed, madness, old age, and death. Distraught, Pandora slammed the lid of the box shut but it was too late. As she lay weeping over the box, she heard a tiny sound. Something was still trapped inside. She opened the lid a crack and out few hope. Zeus had shown some mercy in his malignity.” “Not a bad version at all,” said the kabouter, then went on. “From its frst telling in the writings of Hesiod, the story of Pandora has been evoked in countless meditations on hope by philosophers, religious leaders, poets, and even the medical profession. In the face of every evil, hope gives us the belief that we can survive and advance. Just the hope that good things can come to you makes you feel better and happier. The impact of hope on people’s social, mental, and physical well-being has been widely documented. When people feel hopeful, they experience a greater sense of purpose and meaning, higher levels of positive emotions, lower levels of depression, and feel less lonely. Conversely, people experiencing hopelessness are more likely to experience depression, anxiety, panic attacks, and mental health problems. One explanation for the greater well-being of hopeful people is that they’re better able to deal with the vicissitudes of life because they are forward-looking. Because they cope constructively with stressful situations, they’re better equipped to deal with their problems. In other words, hopeful individuals are generally more successful and healthier because they are more proactive in dealing with issues concerning their professional, fnancial, and physical well-being. Recently, evils seem to be everywhere—global warming, the possibility of nuclear confict, terrorism, war, poverty, corrupt and toxic leaders, and pandemic illness. Realistically, if you believe that life is fair, you should think again. If you expect life to owe you something, you are setting yourself up for massive disappointment. Life can be extremely unfair. It can confront you with larger-than-life obstacles. You never know what’s waiting just around the corner. But that little spark of hope will motivate you to see things through, whatever diffculties you face.

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Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who kept on trying against all odds. But they knew that there was no medicine as strong, no incentive as great, and no tonic as powerful as the hope of something better tomorrow. At the same time, they knew that hope requires personal risk, personal action, and is about doing something. Now, let me tell you a story of how inspirational hope can be.” “There was a general who faced a momentous battle he had very little chance of winning as his army was greatly outnumbered. Although he did his best to encourage his men and convince them they could win, they were full of doubt. The general realized that he needed to get his soldiers to hope. With hope, he knew, they would give their all. On the way to the battlefeld, the general stopped his troops at a religious shrine. After praying with the men, he took a coin and raising his voice told his men, ‘I shall now toss this coin. If it is heads, we shall win. If it is tails, we shall lose. Our destiny will now be revealed.’ And he threw the coin into the air. The men held their breath and watched intently as the coin fell to the ground. Heads! The soldiers were overjoyed. Filled with confdence, they attacked the enemy vigorously and were victorious. After the battle, a lieutenant remarked to the general, ‘So it is true. Our destiny is prescribed and no one can change it.’ ‘Quite so,’ said the general, holding the coin out to the lieutenant. It had heads on both sides. When we have hope, everything is possible.”

37 THE EXPIRY DATE

I had learned so much from the kabouter. Now I began to feel that our time together was drawing to a close. I had become easier in his company and his odd mix of eccentricities, stubbornness, and hospitality had worked a strange kind of charm on me. Now I felt compelled to ask him to write something down for the beneft of me and my family, something of his wisdom that I could take way with me and we could all treasure. Saying nothing, the kabouter took a piece of paper out of his pocket, wrote a very few words and handed the paper to me. I read it excitedly: “Father dies, daughter dies, granddaughter dies.” I couldn’t help myself. “What!” I shouted. “I asked you to write something for my family—something we would value! Why write a sentence like this?” “I’m sorry if it seems harsh,” said the kabouter, “but just think about it. How would you feel if your daughter died before you? Your heart would break. And if your granddaughter died before you and your daughter, both

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your hearts would break. What I have written is the natural order of things and I would call that real happiness. The greatest tragedy for a parent is to lose a child. No one wants to be faced with that sorrow. The simplest things that we take for granted are often the things that bring us the greatest happiness, if we only learned to see it that way.” I could only agree with what he had said and regretted my unthinking reaction to his words. I apologized. “I do understand,” I told him. “Often we fail to recognize happiness, even though it is staring us in the face.” The kabouter went on. “True happiness, I think, is to be able to live your life fully and die naturally, without having to endure major tragedy. We all have this wish, of course. In fact, it’s probably the only wish that counts. But it may not be realized. Bad things happen. Illness and death are always around the corner. We all know that life cannot go on forever.” We had continued to walk and now we were suddenly confronted with a shocking change from the pastoral landscape we had been crossing. We found ourselves in an area of terrible devastation. The forest had been ravaged. All the trees had been torn up by their roots. Heavy machinery had churned up the earth. It looked like a battlefeld. Lumberjacks had been at work with no regard for the environment. The kabouter asked me, “What do you make of all this? How does this sight make you feel?” I couldn’t fnd the words to express how upset I was at the devastation before us. “Our world is no stranger to devastation,” said the kabouter. “What shocks you here is relatively minor. Think about the catastrophe 65 million years ago that wiped out the dinosaurs. Some mammals, birds, small reptiles, fsh, and amphibians survived, but that mass extinction event claimed three quarters of life on our planet. Whatever the cause—a meteor the size of a mountain that slammed into Earth, multiple volcanic eruptions, or both together—the atmosphere was choked with toxic gases, dust, and debris that drastically altered the climate. Creatures that had dominated the planet for more than 165 million years were annihilated. It hardly seems possible, but we know it happened and it is a vital lesson about the effects dramatic climate change can have on the Earth’s inhabitants. The way we’re mistreating our planet now, we could be well on the way to repeating that scenario. We should be much better guardians of the Earth.”

T HE E X PIRY DAT E

I could only agree. The effects of global warming could be seen everywhere, and people were doing a lot of talking, but it was not being followed by action. My great fear was that we would continue in this way and there would be no happy ending. But is there any such thing as a happy ending? Isn’t it that idea what makes fairy tales only tales? What was my ending to be, and when? I knew it had to happen, but I still found it hard to imagine and that someday I would have to let go. As if the kabouter had been reading my mind, he said, “Of course, endings have always been a part of life. But endings are also diffcult to accept. It is hard to deal with the disintegration of your body even though you get a foretaste of physical decline as you age. It’s easy to believe that death happens to other people but not to you. But really, how much favour would life have if it went on forever? However, if you accept that your end could come unexpectedly, you can ask yourself everyday whether you are the person you really want to be and whether you’re living the life you really want to live. Knowing your life is temporary can force you to do things differently. If you accept the impermanence of everything in the world, if you recognize that every time you do something might be the last time you do it, you will live with much greater intensity. You will be very unlikely to sleepwalk through life. Why are we so reluctant to accept our own death, knowing that everything happening around us has a beginning and an ending? Every day, every night, every relationship, every life, everything eventually has an ending. But we are still scared—of not knowing what will happen next, of the sadness and grief we will feel, of failing to cope. Yet endings can open whole new worlds of development and growth. When something ends, there are also new beginnings, new opportunities, and new things to be excited about. Our world is constantly undergoing a cycle of birth, death, and rebirth. You would do well to accept that endings, like beginnings, should be seen as a normal part of life. Some endings will be sad, but others will be symbolic of a new start. Some endings will be graceful, others will be very messy. One of the causes of unhappy endings is thinking about things we do not or cannot have. We may look back at our life with a sense of regret. We may despair that life has failed to live up to our expectations. But there are better ways of dealing with these anxieties. It is wise to remind yourself

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that you will never be able to get everything you want no matter how hard you try. It seems to be human beings’ particular fate that the more you have, the more you want. Unfortunately, this is a prescription for dissatisfaction and unhappiness. Thus, one way to build toward a better ending is to become less needy and feel actively grateful for what has been given to you. I have said this many times, in many different ways, over the past few days—for a life well lived, you should pay more attention to what is within you. To experience the feeling of a life well lived, you may need to change the way you see things, how you view yourself and others, and how you look at life in general. You may need to become more mindful of your own experiences and desires. Taking all these factors into consideration, when you reach your expiry date, I hope you will be able to look back at your life without regrets. I hope you will have found purpose. I hope your life will be characterized by warm relationships with your family and friends. I hope you will have been able to apply your talents to the best of your abilities. I hope you will have had the opportunity to make the right choices. And I hope you will have been able to transcend personal concerns by giving to others. So, when you face your death, remind yourself that in life there are no true beginnings or endings. Events fow into one another; and that the things you may label as beginnings and endings are often indistinguishable. Every ending is a beginning, only you may not know it at the time. Be conscious of the fact that death will seem the perfect ending to a life well lived.” And when the kabouter reached this point, it seemed that our time together had reached another ending. During the past fve days he had given me much to think about. But I realized that the time had come to move on. After we had returned to the cave, I thanked the kabouter for his countless words of wisdom, expressed my gratitude for his hospitality, and shouldered my backpack. The kabouter showed me the direction I needed to take to get back to civilization and stood to watch me go. How was I going to take my leave of this extraordinary being, who, after just fve days, knew me better than I had ever known myself? What sort of goodbye would be suitable? I walked a few paces then turned to look back at him, still not knowing what to say. But he was nowhere to be seen.

T HE E X PIRY DAT E

The glade outside his cave was as empty as though we had never been there and after all our talk, and all his stories, the silence seemed as if it had never been broken. My exchanges with the kabouter had taught me many important lessons. His observations forced me to take a hard look at my life. I felt I had been given me a new lease on life. What would my life have been like, I wondered, if I had met the kabouter earlier in my life? But enough rumination. Enough psychological digression. I needed to pay attention to the uneven terrain where I was walking. I was following a river and enjoying the sound of the water bubbling over rocks and branches. The fowers at the water’s edge were beautiful. In the distance, I saw a moose crossing the river and at the same moment a group of mandarin ducks few overhead. All these sights flled me with a sense of gratitude. However, it was time to stop dreaming. I had to cross the river myself. The Greek philosopher Heraclitus once said, ‘No man ever steps in the same river twice, for it’s not the same river and he’s not the same man.’ In a river everything is in motion, and nothing is at rest. In the same way, you could say that every day is going to be a different day, because you have never lived it before and you will never live it again. Crossing the river reminded me that the only constant in life is change. Even though some things look permanent, they’re always changing. And people never stay the same. We change in one way or another depending on our life experiences. And because we’re all changing on a personal level, we make society change. I realized that even though I looked the same, my dialogues with the kabouter had had a profound effect on me. The experience had given me another way of looking at life. He had made clear to me that living a worthwhile life is an ongoing process of fresh challenges. Once more, I thought how lucky I had been to have met him. Even though I was still crossing the wilderness, I felt less lost. I was conscious of a greater sense of harmony between my inner and outer world. And I knew that this congruity would help me overcome whatever life threw at me. The kabouter had made me understand the importance of transcending personal concerns and having the courage to rise to challenges greater than myself. He had made me realize that the completeness of life depends on what it is lived for, and the positive impact I could have by living my

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ordinary life extraordinarily well. And even though, unlike some of the people in the fairy tales I had listened to, there was no magic in my repertoire, I could still make a small contribution to creating a better world. I could help to make this world a better place for my children and grandchildren. Then, when I eventually crossed the river between life and death, I might hope to be able to refect on a life well lived, a life full of selfawareness, empathy, and compassion, a life without regrets, and a life during which I had made a modest contribution to make things better. Also, to quote the French philosopher Jean-Jacques Rousseau, ‘the person who has lived the most is not the one with the most years but the one with the richest experiences.’ After all, isn’t a life well lived one that has been lived long enough?

INDEX

absolutes, avoiding 87 absolutists 103 accumulation 50 acting out 26, 27 action 18 actions 42 action trap, the 146 aesthetic experience 21 aging 173 alienation, from the natural world 3 ambition 52 Amur region xv–xvi anger 95–100, 101, 156; dealing with 98; developmental perspective 97; excessive 97; expression of 97; externalized 98; health impacts 97–98; internalized 98; role of 96–97; triggers 99 anger management 97, 100 angry little boy story 95–96 anniversary reactions 6 anterior cingulate cortex 27 anxiety 69, 105, 106–107, 108, 167 appearances 32–33; can be deceptive 24; looking beyond 29–31

Aristotle 82, 126 arrogance 64 attention deficit disorder 66 authoritarianism 103 avoidant behavior disorder 107 bad things happen 172 bad things, tendency to focus on 132 bears story 109 Beecher, Henry Ward 56 belonging, sense of 108 bias 138 birds 16 bird with two heads story 153 blame 156 boundaries 61 boundary management 152 brain, default network 116 brain power 25 brainstorming 112 brain structure 27 Buddha, the xiii, xviii, 98 Buddhism 17, 33 Burke, Edmund 126 busybodies 74

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careless talk 19 carpe diem 159–162 causal loops 86 challenges: overcoming 148; rising to 175 champions 165 change 175 character 39, 42 childhood 108 children 163, 165, 176; pushing 133 Christianity 33 Cinderella 149–150 client/clinician interchange xvi clinical intervention methods xvi cognitive-behavioral therapy 109 commitment xvii commitments 39 commons, tragedy of the 163–164 communication 19–20 community, commitment to xvii compassion 155, 176 compromise 101–104 confidence 170 conflict resolution 101–104 consistency 42 constructive introspection 108 consumer culture 51 contentment, with life xvii–xviii continuity, sense of 92–93 control 86–87, 93, 120, 147 cooperation 102, 103, 153 coping capacities 111 coping strategy 116 courage 125–127, 147 creativity 112 Cullen, William 107 cultural learning 75 Dante xv; 4 daydreaming 115–117 death 5–6, 13, 14, 31, 93, 161, 173–174 decision-making 137, 138

declarative unconscious 25 deeper understanding 13 deep listening 19–22 deficiencies, admitting 43 depression 107, 109 devastation 172 developmental perspective, anger 97 developmental theory xvi dialogues xvi–xvii dictatorships 103 Die Fledermaus (Strauss) 5 dignity, of fellow men 33 dilemmas xi dinosaurs, extinction of 172 discouragement 133 discriminatory practices 86 displacement 99 dissatisfaction 174; with life xvii–xviii Donald Duck 6–7 do unto others 33 dreams and dreaming 26, 110–114; and creativity 112; function 111; interpretation 113–114; repetitive 112; universal images 111 drunk’s glasses story 80 dysfunctional behavior patterns 106 ebb periods xi echo chambers 65 economic system 51 education 163–166 Einstein, Albert 18, 42 emotional intelligence 102 emotional turmoil 156 emotional well-being 60 emotions 162; negative 26, 34, 99, 157; repressed 26 empathy 34, 102, 134, 139, 176 emperor’s new clothes 70–71 empowerment 150 encouragement 131–134, 136 endings 173–174

IND E X

endorphin 60 ethical principles 42 evil 31 evolutionary perspective: compromise 103; gossip 74; judgment 137; rituals, ritualization and ritualistic behavior 93 evolutionary theory xvi excess 48–49 existential anxiety 51 existential questions 31 fables xiii failure 147, 157 fairness 46 fairy tales 150 faith, commitment to xvii family, commitment to xvii farmer story 159–160 fatalism 161 fate 25 fear 68, 75, 105, 126; of better understanding 82 fellow men, dignity of 33 female orgasm 142 fight/flight mechanism 68, 97 financial worth, and self-worth 50 first impressions 30 fisherman and the businessman story 160–161 flaws, accepting 157 flexibility 102 flow periods xi flow, the, going with 159–160 forgiveness 34 free association 112 Freud, Sigmund 26 friends, commitment to xvii frogs story 131–132 Gandhi, Mahatma 126 gender 86 general and hope story 170

generosity 158 giving and taking story 59–60 giving orientation 60–61 giving, versus taking 58–61 global financial crash of 2009 51 global warming 169, 173 Golden Rule, the 32–34, 37 goodness 31 gossip 72–76, 80 graceful refusal 40 gratitude 33, 59, 158 great doubt, provocation of 17 greed 48–53; corrupting influence of 52–53; motivation 51; and selfishness 56, 57; socio-economic implications 51–52 Greek myths xiii grounded, staying 65, 144–148 groupthink 138 guilt 157 happiness 60, 172 happy moments, creating 162, 163 hare story 144–146 harmony, importance of xvi–xvii haste 12–13 health 56, 61, 97–98, 99, 105–109, 116, 146–147, 156 heaven 109 hell 109 helping mode 121 helping others 60 Heraclitus 175 herd mentality 146 heroism 126 Hinduism 33 honesty 70–71 hope 166, 167–170 Horace 161 ‘How much land does a man need?’, Tolstoy. 52–53 hubris 62–66, 67 human condition, the 31, 49

17 9

180

IND E X

human nature 50 humility 65–66 hypocrisy 44–47 ideals 126 ignorance, costs of 164–165 imagination 111, 112 impossible situations 122 inadequacy, feelings of 158 independence 120 independent thinking xiv information sharing 74 inner critic 156–157 inner demons 4 inner resources 21 inner theatre xvi insecurity 108 inspiration 167, 170 instinctive wisdom 18 insular cortex 27 insults 54 integrity 41–43 intellectual progress 117 interconnectedness 20 intervention, paradoxical 121–124 intimate relationships xvii introspection 108 intuition 18 Islam 33 isolation 152

king and the blind person story 67–68 king and the fisherman story 49–50 kings gray hairs story 122 kings singing story 123–124 knee-jerk reactions 147 knowledge, true 13 knowns, unexamined 14

Jataka stories xiii, xiv Joan of Arc 126 Joseph 113–114 Judaism 33 judgment: biased 138; errors in 81; good 135–139; making 137 Jung, Carl 25, 81–82 justice 126

leaders and leadership 57, 64, 70, 127, 169 leaning, true 13 learning 13; preparedness for 15 lemming story 63 liars and lying 67–71, 72–73; compulsive 69; with good intentions 68; innocent 68; involuntary signs of 69; negative effects 69–70 life: only constant in 175; unfair 169 life challenges xi–xii life well lived, conceptualization xvi–xvii limitations 17–18, 40 linear thinking, limits of 15–18 lion who lay sick in its cave story 72–73 listening: deep 19–22; to silence 22; and talking 22 little girl and her drum story 23–24 logical reasoning, inadequacy of 15–18 logic, limits of 15–18 loneliness 56, 60 longevity 60 looking beneath the surface 23–28 lost, being 3–10, 105

kabouters xiv–xv; meeting 8–10 kindness 33, 60; to yourself 155 King, Martin Luther, Jr 126

Mahabharata (theatre production) xii–xiii male orgasm 142

IND E X

Mandela, Nelson 126 man visiting a city story 41–42 markers 4–5 materialism 59 meaning 162; absence of 17 medial prefrontal cortex 27 meditation story 92 memento mori 161 memory xi, 6, 25 mental health 56, 97–98, 99, 105–109, 116, 146–147, 156 mental self-care 152 me too 151 milk story 115 mind: opening your 11–14, 22; wandering 5 mindfulness 158, 162, 174 mirror neurons 103 misjudgment 83–84 monastery story 87–88 moral courage 127 morality play xii moral lessons xii, xiii moral principles 42 moral strengths 102 moral tales xiv motivation 14, 43, 167, 168 mushrooms 5 music 5 Napoleon Bonaparte 127 narcissism, narcissistic personality disorders and narcissistic behavior 55, 57, 63–66, 81 Narcissus 63–64 natural environment: aesthetic experience 21; alienation from 3; soothing emotional effect of 3, 9; sounds 6 natural order 171–172 negative emotions 26, 34, 99, 157 negativity 26–27, 109, 132–133, 158 neurological theory xvi

neuroses and neurotic behavior 105–109, 110–111; causes 107–108; symptoms 107; types 107 Newton, Isaac xvii no, learning to say 152 non-judgment 159–160 nothingness 17 not knowing 12, 14 nuclear conflict 169 observational biases 80 obsession 52–53 obsessive-compulsive disorder 107 one-sided relationships 61 open-ended questions 103–104 open-mindedness 11–14, 102 opinions 12, 146 opportunities, grabbing 159–162 optimism 167, 168 origins xii overambition 64 overconfidence 64 overthinking 17 pain 106 Pañchatantra stories xiii, xiv Pandora’s box 168–169 panic disorder 107 paradoxical intervention 121–124 Parks, Rosa 126 patience 7 patriarchy 143 pause, permission to 151 paying it forward 60 peace xviii persistence 7 personal concerns, transcending 175 personal development 155 personality disorder 109 personality problems 107 philosopher and the butterfly story 117

181

182

IND E X

philosophy, commitment to xvii physical courage 127 physical health 56, 97–98 physical sensations, and the unconscious 26 Placebo Effect 85 Plato xiv, 20, 47, 126 poor man and the banquet story 32–34 poor me thinking 86–87 populist leaders 70 positive thinking, power of 87 positivity 84, 87, 131–134, 147, 167 possessions 51–52, 59 possibilities, openness to new 12 poverty 169 power 64 praise 133 preconceived ideas 12 predictability 93 prejudices 12 pride 64 principles 42 problems 106 procedural unconscious 25 productive discomfort xiv prohibitions 48 projection 138 promises 37–40, 41, 42, 43 prudence 126 psyche 25 psychodynamic psychotherapy 109 psychodynamic-systemic theory xvi psychological defense mechanisms, primitive 103 psychopaths 57 Pygmalion 85 questions 103–104 rationality, limits of 15–18 reading between the lines 20

reality, sense of 148 recharging 152 reciprocity, ethic of 32–34 reflection xi, 147 reframing 122–123 regrets 162, 174 relationships 152; and a giving orientation 60–61; quality 56 religious ceremonies 92 reputation 56 resilience 147 respect 33 responsibilities 40 responsibility 109 riddles 19–20 right 31 rituals, ritualization and ritualistic behavior 91–94 rivers 8, 175 Rousseau, Jean-Jacques 176 routines 91–94 rules 64 sadness 5 safety, sense of 107–108 sage, the 29–31 saying nothing 20 Scholl, Sophie 126 Secret Life of Walter Mitty, The (Thurber) 116 security 93 seize the day 159–162 self-appraisal 157 self-awareness 27, 65, 81, 111, 157, 176 self-belief 132–133 self-care 149–153; benefits 151; components 151; definition 150–151; mental 152; social 151–152 self-care plan 151 self-centeredness 57 self-compassion 34, 154–158

IND E X

self-confidence 64, 81, 132, 147 self-control 147 self-deprivation 88 self-efficacy, sense of 39 self-esteem 42, 87 self-exploration 82 self-forgiveness 158 self-fulfilling prophecies 83–88; causal loop 86; definition 84; derivatives 85–86; positive 86–87; psychological processes 85; types 84–85 self-harming behavior 26 self-improvement 157 self-indulgence 151 selfish greedy woman story 55–56 selfishness 49, 54–57, 150 self-knowledge 25, 27, 65, 81, 82, 86, 99, 102, 111 selflessness 57, 61 self-preservation 151 self-respect 42 self-sabotage 84 self-worth 50 setbacks 132 seven deadly sins 49 sex and sexual desire 140–143 shadows, the 80, 81–82 shame 157 sheep and the wolf story 125–126 shortcomings 158 shoulders of giants, the xvii Siberian wilderness xv–xvi Siddhartha Gautama xiii silence, listening to 22 Silk Road, the xii–xiii situations, reframing 122–123 social anxiety 107 social interaction, constructive 109 socially acceptable behavior 75 social self-care 151–152 Socrates xiv, 126

Socratic dialogues xiv Socratic method xiv soundless sound, state of 17 sound of one hand, the 15–18, 19, 20 splitting 103 stereotyping 86 stinginess 50 stone cutter story xvii–xviii stories and storytelling xi, xii–xiii, 75; insights 12 strategic psychotherapy 121–124 Strauss, Johann II, Die Fledermaus 5 streetlight effect, the 79–82, 83 strength 127 stressors 108 strict teacher story 83–84 structure 92–93 success 52 sucking up 69 suffering 31 surprises 147 sycophants 64 taking, versus giving 58–61 talk: careless 19; constant 20 talking, and listening 22 teaching experience, objective of 18 teamwork 102 temperance 126 terrorism 169 thanks 59 themes, for a life well lived xvi–xvii thief story 44–46 thinking, independent xiv thinking patterns 86 threats 68 Thurber, James, The Secret Life of Walter Mitty 116 tiger story 37–39 time 13, 40 Tiresias 141–143 tolerance 102

183

184

IND E X

Tolstoy, Leo, ‘How much land does a man need?’ 52–53 tragedy 172 tragedy of the commons 163–164 transference 118–120 Truman, Harry 57 trust 39, 40, 147, 168 trustworthiness 42, 70 truth 42, 68, 123–124, 126 truthfulness 38–39 trying too hard 12–13 turtle story 21–22 two boys and a king story 164–165 two men and the sage story 154–155 tyrannical ruler story 113 unconscious, the xv, 24–28, 40, 86 understanding 81; fear of 82 unexamined knowns 14 unhappiness 174 unknown, the, willingness to entertain 17 values 42, 104 Virgil xv virtue 47, 48 virtues 126

vocation, commitment to xvii voluntary acts 60 vulnerability 31 war 169 wealth 51 well-being 61; emotional 60; and hope 169; self-care 149–153; and self-compassion 155, 156 wholeness 81–82 wilderness 15; aesthetic experience 21; being lost in 3–10; physical challenges of 4; psychological challenges of 4; rivers 8; sounds 6 wisdom 82, 104; accumulated xvii; acquisition of 11–14; and deep listening 22; instinctive 18 wishes xvii–xviii woman-king story 140–141 woman who gossiped story 73–74 women: education 165–166; empowerment 150 words, power of 39 wrong 31 Yousafzai, Malala 126 Zen practice 17