Tropico: Land of Opportunity

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“They keep me in the print shop imprisoned, please help me!!!” – Tropico daily

“I haven’t laughed so much since the first edition of the Bible.” – J.Esus

Pictures: Page 6: Swimmingpool: Theodore C (CC BY-ND 2.0), https://www.flickr.com/photos/cyclops-photo/7054282419/in/photostream/ Page 8: Woman with long neck: Mark Rain (CC BY 2.0), https://www.flickr.com/photos/azrainman/1004238730 Page 12: Nightlife Sun club: Alisha Vargas (CC BY 2.0), http://www.flickr.com/photos/alishav/4861580678/ Page 13: Nightlife Adventure: Marcelo Braga (CC BY 2.0) http://www.flickr.com/photos/elbragon/4385568696/ Page 14: Nightlife Culture: francois notfrancois (CC BY 2.0) http://www.flickr.com/photos/frenchy/3824390450/ Page 15: Nightlife Party: ~My aim is true~ (CC BY 2.0) http://www.flickr.com/photos/sallypics/80375993/ Page 16: Tourism - Llamas: Thomas Quine (CC BY 2.0) https://www.flickr.com/photos/quinet/98188354/ Page 17: Mount El Presidente – Before: Foto von Michael Hamann (CC BY 2.0): https://www.flickr.com/photos/michitux/5481606185 Page 17: Mount El Presidente – After: Foto von Peter Heilmann (CC BY 2.0): https://www.flickr.com/photos/peter_heilmann/2858704451 Page 18: Rioja Trench: A. Froese (CC BY-SA 2.0): https://www.flickr.com/photos/anfroese/3484182012 Page 19: Tropican Gardens: Udo54 (CC BY 2.0): https://www.flickr.com/photos/udo54/8065983053 Page 20: Tyramids: Kitty Terwolbeck (CC BY 2.0): https://www.flickr.com/photos/kittysfotos/7907065728 Page 21: The Tropican Inn: Onnola (CC BY-SA 2.0): https://www.flickr.com/photos/30845644@N04/9188737177 Page 23: The Cozy Bridge: R. Walker (CC BY 2.0): https://www.flickr.com/photos/mountainash/5167490619 Page 24: Space Travel: Sludge G (CC BY-SA 2.0): https://www.flickr.com/photos/sludgeulper/2923809322 Page 26: Statistics: Jon Feinstein (CC BY 2.0) https://www.flickr.com/photos/jonfeinstein/519914693 Page 27: Celebrity Bernadette Berheide: Iñaki Queralt (CC BY 2.0) http://www.flickr.com/photos/inaxo/3454773185/ Page 28: Celebrity Michele Brownello: Okko Pyykkö (CC BY 2.0) https://www.flickr.com/photos/data_op/2446536264/ Page 28: Celebrity Timmy the Kid: jamieleto (CC BY-SA 2.0) http://www.flickr.com/photos/jamieleto/3261736239/ Page 29: Celebrity Dennis Mad Dog Lennon: Superfantastic (CC BY-SA 2.0) http://www.flickr.com/photos/superfantastic/24559448/ Page 31: Literature: thefixer (CC BY 2.0) http://www.flickr.com/photos/fixersphotos/5192655927/ Page 34: Industry: Indi Samarajiva (CC BY 2.0) https://www.flickr.com/photos/indi/3916569560 Page 36: Geography: dynamosquito (CC BY-SA 2.0) https://www.flickr.com/photos/dynamosquito/3029711166/lightbox/ Page 38: Clubs: belgraded.com (CC BY 2.0) https://www.flickr.com/photos/beograd/4995173223 Page 39: Mud Wrestling: tmv_media (CC BY-SA 2.0) https://www.flickr.com/photos/tmv_media/7958965218 Page 40: kryt : Mark Rain (CC BY 2.0) https://www.flickr.com/photos/azrainman/2093251882 Anja Disseldorp (CC BY 2.0) https://www.flickr.com/photos/jadis1958/5421092855

Always the Latest edition 364th edition Copyright © Kalypso Media Group GmbH Published by the State Publishing Department of Tropico, Tropico City Printed in Molwanien (www.weprintforrealmoney.molw) Design: 100% fair trade forced labour camp imprisonment (supported by the “Action against child labour Tropico”) Illustrations: censored Credit: existent Text: readable Censorship: State Ministry for media security and reconnaissance, Tropico City

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Table of Contents Tropico - Introduction / History

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Tropico - Weather

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Tropico - Entertainment



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Tropico - Tropico’s Nightlife

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Tropico - Tourism



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Tropico - Space

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Tropico - Tropican Facts and Figures



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Tropico - Famous Tropican Inventors and Criminals

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Tropico - Literature

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Tropico - The “Jolly Roger ”

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Tropico - Industry

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Tropico - Geography

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Tropico - Invention of the kickboard

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Tropico - Sports

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Tropico - Tropico’s History



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Tropico - Language



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Tropico - Introduction / History

Picture: Theodore C (CC BY-ND 2.0)

Congratulations, dear reader! You have decided to buy the Tropico Guide from your hard-earned savings. This is not only a worthwhile investment, but almost a necessity, for those who do not understand and obey the country’s laws can very easily run afoul of El Presidente. And we’re certain you will truly wish to avoid something like that ! Basically, the rules of conduct for your stay in Tropico can be summarized quite simply: Obey, spend a lot of money and make sure you are always in a good mood! Oh yes, and you must always obey! However, despite this simplified summary the socio-cultural microcosm itself is very complex. But before we go further into detail, we would like to first give you an overview of our prosperous and influential country. Discover beautiful sandy beaches and forests populated by exotic animals, stroll through magnificent strip malls and learn about Tropico’s history, which is steeped in tradition. We wish you a safe stay.

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Tropico - Introduction / History

Such amazing sandy beaches can only be found in Tropico.

“From these fertile grounds a prosperous republic shall arise, built on hard labor, low wages and ruthless dictatorship!” It was with these words in which the island of Tropico was founded upon by her colonial masters. And these principles endure to this very day. The combination of the willingness of this country’s citizens to subjugate themselves and their gratitude and devotion to El Presidente have created a bustling economy amidst a unique climate. Once the brightest minds in the country finished their research into pioneering technologies such as wood planks and pavement there were no limits to growth. Solidarity and teamwork allowed even the darkest moments in Tropico’s history to be overcome - such as the devastating Llama Wars of 1890 or the outbreak of the owl plague in the early twentieth century.

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Tropico - Weather Thanks to our ancestors’ devotion you may here and now enjoy the benefits of a global economic and military power without having to make compromises in temperature, catering or uncontrolled riots by disgruntled citizens. Tropico invites you on a cultural, culinary and nuclear-powered voyage of discovery you will not soon forget.

Weather

Picture: Mark Rain (CC BY 2.0)

In Tropico, people don’t make a long face when it rains.

Even if the rest of the world prefers to cling to the illusion of a Caribbean paradise where the sun always shines, the locals know that Tropico is located in an unpredictable climate zone between the subtropical high pressure belt and global trade wind low pressure area. Although the sun does shine 365 days of the year, this only applies to the upper layers of the atmosphere. Below twelveteen kilometers tornadoes with sleet are a common occurence. Global warming has led to these storms reaching sometimes monstrous proportions, which in turn has led to increased reports of entire herds of Llamas being killed by coconut-sized hailstones in recent years. The supertsunamis and sharknados predicted by doomsday preachers have fortunately so far been limited to neighboring islands such as Cayo de Fortuna, BaoBao or Isla del Denefleh.

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Tropico - Weather Relief and Northern Lights

The meridional dissection of relief fosters the flow of cold air currents from arctic climes. However, by the time these arrive in Tropican waters they have warmed to a point where they have no influence whatsoever on the meteorological situation. These air masses often contain large amounts of polar ice crystals, especially in October, which lead to spectacular northern lights phenomena in the middle tropopause. At least, that’s the official explanation. Discerning lovers of the ganja and alternative media prefer to explain this phenomenon as the result of the commissioning of the largest existing antenna system high up on a local active volcano; which emits highenergy long-wave radiation into the ionosphere. Supposedly for weather research and geological warfare. Temperature, precipitation

Temperatures on the island are above 64.4 ° Fahrenheit all year round, but can also sometimes drop below 17 ° Celsius on winter nights. This contrast is related to the constant zenith angle of the sun throughout the year and only highly intelligent, rich and well-educated academics capable of converting from Celsius to Fahrenheit can explain this bizarre freak of nature. Rainfall outside the sleet tornado period from January to December is practically unknown; at 1,200mm per day and square meter Tropico is way out in front in being far above the average global lower mean value. The “ 50-year storm”

According to legend, every fifty years a storm of devastating proportions hits Tropico, accompanied by huge waves and mass algae death. This urban legend is most common among surfers and the seriously deranged. Supposedly a young boy named Manchego Tujendáte surfed a 35-meter wave to the front door of the Presidential Palace in the summer of 1963 and was subsequently sentenced to nine years in prison for trespassing, political espionage and disorderly conduct. The roots of the regular reoccurrence of this atmospheric peculiarity are attributed to fluctuations in the Earth’s magnetic field and the natural evaporation of sea water through atomic testing.

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Tropico - Entertainment Tropico is a special place in all respects, as you have certainly already noticed. And when it comes to entertainment and sports facilities, nowhere in the world will you find a place as distinctive as our friendly little island country. Popular Sports: Bolf

Invented in Tropico in 1947, Bolf is a unique mix of two popular sports, bowling and golf. Bolf was invented by Thomas Woodaro after God asked him to do so one sunny day in May. For more on the invention and rules of Bolf, see the chapter “Famous Tropican Inventors and Criminals”. The Tropican State Theatre

Known across the island, the Tropican State Theatre offers sophisticated, cultural entertainment around the clock, seven days a week, 365 days a year (in common years, 366 days in leap years). Approximately 99 % of the time the philosophical piece “No Show” plays, the first play in the world to eschew all humanist involvement. The “Tropico Observer” described “No Show” as “a timeless masterpiece which encourages the viewer to think”. The “Tropico Times” wrote that it is “a milestone in the field of imaginative theatre and a cultural trailblazer for this new form of sophisticated entertainment”. And even the traditionally somewhat grumpy critic of the “Daily Tropico”, C. Schluetter, spoke enthusiastically of “a breath of fresh air in the theatre and an unexpectedly pleasant theatre experience totally free of any human involvement.” Cinopico

The Tropican cinema “Cinopico” holds a number of special features in store for visitors. In addition to the standard movie theater, the Cinopico offers three separate themed theaters in each of which the theme is crucial to the design of the room. In the “Get to the Choppa” theater, for instance, viewers sit on stationary mounted motorcycles and receive a complimentary leather jacket for the duration of the film, whereby the wearing is, of course, optional. As a rule, this is the venue for action films. In the “Romeo & Juliet theater”, however, couples in love can cuddle up in one of the 30 available double beds (freshly made with clean sheets after each performance and featuring built-in paper towel dispensers) to enjoy the latest romantic comedy. In the “Last Room on the Left” theater horror film aficionados can take their places on one of a total of 54 comfortable sofas, ideally suited for draping a sheltering arm around their anxious girlfriend/boyfriend at the right moment.

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Tropico - Tropico’s Nightlife Fischer’s Club

The “Fischer’s Club” has nothing to do with those nice men at sea who earn their money harvesting marine life, but is rather named after its leader, German immigrant Wolfgang Fischer. Fischer’s Club is a hotel, adult playground and THE place for naturists, nudists and honey connoisseurs. Unspeakable things go on in ‘Wolfgangs Honey Room’ located on the 3rd floor, 2nd door on the right recognizable by the sticky door handle.

Tropico’s Nightlife

Should you successfully survive the arrival and entry into Tropico you can look forward to enjoying a globally unique nightlife in addition to the many attractions. This small island nation is an insider tip for beach lovers, hardcore adventure travelers and culture enthusiasts. Pubertal party-goers will also find what they‘re looking for in Tropico. Below you will therefore find a list of nocturnal destinations sorted according to the categories previously mentioned.

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Picture: Alisha Vargas (CC BY 2.0)

Tropico - Tropico’s Nightlife

Corn: very healthy and keeps you slim. Tastes especially good with fried chicken.

For Beach Lovers

It goes without saying that sun worshipers are right in their element on a Caribbean island like Tropico. However, while the pesky day-night change in Hawaii and the like only lets you use half of your precious vacation time for sunbathing and browning, Tropico offers you the opportunity to sunbathe around the clock. Of course, the Earth‘s rotation does bring periods of darkness. Clever Tropican engineers, however, developed and built the SUNday Club (motto: Every day is a “SUNday”). Inside you will find an authentic replica of a beach with its own sun in the form of powerful ceiling-mounted UV lights. These ensure a constant illumination of 110,000 lux. In addition to the 500 sun lounges, the picturesque sandy beach with playing fields for beach volleyball and three beach bars, a 12 million litre saltwater pool and a children‘s playground offer additional means of entertainment.

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Tropico - Tropico’s Nightlife

But that‘s not enough. To avoid sunburn, there are ceiling sprinkler systems that automatically dispense a pleasant rain of sunscreen lotion upon the guests at regular intervals. That way you can even tan in your sleep. Virtually overnight. Why is something like this really only available in Tropico? It doesn‘t really matter... For Adventure Travelers

Picture: Marcelo Braga (CC BY 2.0)

So, you want to experience that real adventure feeling on your holiday? Then Tropico is the vacation destination for you! In the depths of the Tropican jungle a thousand year old temple complex called Mucho Muneto de la Touristo awaits you with an unforgettable night. Get ready to explore the several kilometers in length, partly underground complex by moon and torchlight as part of the “Nights of the Temple” attraction. It offers pit traps filled with snakes, rocks tumbling from the ceiling, poison arrows shooting from walls and a waiver that would make even Indiana Jones turn tail!

Recorded at a height of 48 centimetres with the image rotated 90 degrees to give it that dramatic feel

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Tropico - Tropico’s Nightlife

Picture: francois notfrancois (CC BY 2.0)

Tragic: narcoleptic museum visitors on Tropico. Note the detailed Christmas decorations.

For Culture Enthusiasts

Close to the above-mentioned temple Mucho Muneto de la Touristo is the Tropican Cultural Museum, whose doors also never close. On the contrary, special tours from the „Night at the “Museum” programme display the mysterious auras of many artifacts and exhibits to their best advantage. Famous exhibits include the pen with which the Tropican Constitution was written, the horn of the last unicorn, two fertilized dragon eggs, the establishment of the anteroom of the Amber Room, the world‘s first epilator (invented by Tropican, B. Berheide) and a lightsaber (on loan from the famous Tropican inventor of the time machine and first time traveler, Michele “Doc” Brownello).

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Picture: ~My aim is true~ (CC BY 2.0)

Tropico - Tropico’s Nightlife

Contained in picture: three-half empty bottles and two full…barrels

For Party-Goers

You want to drink and party like there‘s no tomorrow? Then there‘s only one place for your vacation: welcome to the Braindead Club! It features four underground floors of alcohol, high-performance loudspeakers, 14 different dance floors and continuous music that sounds like it could have come from a drunk three year old (that may actually be the case). The trick: To save time and money, upon entering you will receive a party kit consisting of a vial of only minimally diluted alcohol including an accelerator, a single camera with a mandatory direct Facebook link to automatically upload all those embarrassing snapshots; as well as a badge worn around the neck which identifies you to taxi drivers, policemen, highwaymen, robbers and other nocturnal encounters that a party-goer might be too drunk to communicate with clearly. In addition to your name and the address of your hotel, you should also record the exact place in which you keep your cash (for taxi drivers, policemen, highwaymen, robbers and other nocturnal encounters).

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Tropico - Tourism

Picture: Thomas Quine (CC BY 2.0)

Tourism is, next to illegal money laundering systems and the monetary exchange generated by the average 38 wives per male native, one of the main sources of income on the island nation. In addition to the beachhugging hotel facilities reaching up to 30km inland, the Llama tours are also enjoying ever increasing popularity. Long-term unemployed dressed in homemade Llama costumes crocheted from Catholic mouflon lead interested tourists through cozy innerurban shanty towns while occasionally spitting at non-paying tourists in the eye without warning. Even though Tropico is a civilized country, you should still engage the services of a professional tourist guide when exploring the most interesting corners of the island, which present themselves to interested tourists like unpolished diamonds in the rough. Registered and therefore officially recognized tourist guides often dress up as beggars loitering about, as they generally earn far more Here you see an image of your typical Tropican transport. On money begging than through honest the left is the Llama: make a note of the similar hairstyle to work. Loitering beggars in turn often avoid confusion work as registered tourist guides. It can be challenging indeed for first-timers here to spot the difference right away. High-quality hotels are to be found in abundance all over the island. Some even have a star, others none at all. Most hotel areas feature unobtrusive staff, as they are chronically understaffed. Some hotels also offer a heated pool. This does not mean that the water is actually heated, but rather only that it is in principle possible to heat the pool. Official statistics on tourism in Tropico are sparse and sometimes very outdated. This may be due to the fact that the Tourist Authority is closed 51 weeks of the year, as the staff are on a business trip and therefore on vacation. The last official evaluation dates from 1982 and shows the following tourism flows: Visitors from East Berlin (52%), from Molwania (77%), Albania (24%), Switzerland (33 billion Euros), Germany (14 % - 99% of which from Bavaria) and from Bottrop - Kirchhellen (0.0000011 %).

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Tropico - Tourism

Attentive readers may have noticed that the total number of tourists thus amounted to 33 billion Euros and 167.0000011 %, which is mathematically somewhat difficult to explain. The Bureau of Statistics, however, believes the figures to be correct. Important Note: tourists are not to be confused with terrorists! The one group overruns an entire region shooting anything that comes into in their so-called sights while the others are terrorists.

Attractions

Picture: Peter Heilmann (CC BY 2.0)

Picture: Michael Hamann (CC BY 2.0)

Mount El Presidente

Mount El Presidente - Before

Mount El Presidente - After. Work on Mount El Presidente lasted nearly eleven minutes. Here you can see the beloved father of El Presidente performing the ceremonial first ascent.

Through the miracle of modern slavery - in technical jargon ‘temp agencies’ - Mount El Presidente was raised from its original height of 69cm to an altitude of 289m through the most painstakingly detailed work. Upon completion of this mammoth project, the original name “Grassy Hump” was changed to Mount El Presidente, or MEP for short and bears the likeness of the island’s beloved ruler. A corresponding light concept makes both the mountain and El Presidente’s likeness clearly visible even in the far-off capital. In the beginning, a high-power laser system designed to produce a spectacular light show every night was used. However, this led to unexpected side effects. After a number of passing commercial aircraft crashed, a less ambitious and more cost-effective lighting concept was installed.

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Tropico - Tourism

The Rioja Trench

The Rioja Trench is one of the island nation’s oldest attractions. It runs through the island from north to south. Depending on the viewing angle - and opinions here are widely divergent - it might possibly also run from east to south. This ground formation is 1.3 km long and 13m wide. There are no concrete measurements of its exact depth, but the extraordinarily intoxicated vintners who previously fell into it were always able to get out without much trouble.It therefore appears unlikely that the maximum depth exceeds one meter.

Picture: A. Froese (CC BY-SA 2.0)

There is also a great deal of academic dispute about the name’s origin. However, it is safe to assume that the aforementioned vintners had something to do with it.

The dimensions (especially the depth) of the trench are barely noticeable in this photo. Its huge, honest!

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Tropico - Tourism

The Tropican Gardens

The Tropican Gardens are in their own way unique throughout the world. El Presidente has had the phrase “The Tropican Gardens” protected under global licensing laws, which ensures that the gardens truly are unique in the world. The gardens are home to numerous native plants and flower species, such as the “Presidential Orchid”, whose blossoms only fully open to bloom when El Presidente walks past it. No less impressive is the “East Tropican Tusk”. This cactus-like plant is classed as carnivorous and thus helps maintain a balance within the gardens. They destroy flies, small varmints and homeless islanders and are therefore also known and even feared outside the gardens. However, homeless vegetarian islanders have nothing to fear from this carnivorous plant.

Picture: Udo54 (CC BY 2.0)

Tropican landscapers had a lot of trouble working around the local native paintings – especially when it came to the little details.

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Tropico - Tourism

The Tyramids

Widespread opinion considers the pyramids in Egypt to be the first of their kind. But the Tyramids in Tropico were built long before the pyramids. It is still not entirely clear just why these were ever built or what purpose they were supposed to serve. Historians surmise an early job creation measure designed to whitewash unemployment statistics. Others believe that the builders were simply bored and found too many rocks in the immediate vicinity. To comply with early building permit conditions, fire extinguishers were installed at every second step. This proved to be an extremely difficult task, as fire extinguishers per se never went into mass production and did not enter the market until 1902. It is therefore no great wonder that construction took a total of four to five thousand years to complete.

Tropico - Tourismus

Picture: Kitty Terwolbeck (CC BY 2.0)

The very first architect of the Tropican Tyramid only managed to construct half of it before he ran out of building materials…

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Tropico - Tourism

Hotels La Grand Merde

The French-inspired Grand Hotel has countless stars. However, most have been revoked from the tradition-steeped establishment over the last few decades. The hotel has 122 rooms, 139 of which have been undergoing constant renovation since its reopening in 1968. A former hippie conference under the motto “Love Struck” and a subsequent mass celebration under the influence of poor quality drugs resulted in a minor accident with a major impact: The hotel burned to the ground. Room rates range between 80 and 250 Tropican dollars. Guests with long-term stays (36 hours or more) receive fresh linens and a fermented egg for breakfast.

Picture: Onnola (CC BY-SA 2.0)

The Tropican Inn

The Tropican Inn has a lovely sort of ‘ramshackle’ charm that no other establishment could possibly rival

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Tropico - Tourism

While the Tropican Inn may not have stars, it does have a great deal of rough charm, as characterized by missing wallpaper and the sometimes poor lighting. However, the poor lighting also has its advantages. The gloom prevents you from taking too much notice of the aesthetically disadvantaged receptionist behind the three-and-ahalf meter reception desk. A small peep-hole in the wall paneling nevertheless allows you to quickly and efficiently book one of the many often unreserved rooms. Prices range between 30 Tropican dollars and a night of love with the abovementioned unspecified receptionist. If you decide to select the second option, the lady often sticks a few bills into the expansive male neckline once the act has been completed. By the same token, you should not try to do the same with the lady, as you could quite possibly get lost in her cleavage... Beach Hotel

The Beach Hotel is located in the so-called Tropican Dolomites. Irregular bus rides to the beach 422km away generally tend to be very seldom indeed. And if they do, you should carry a spare tire or the equivalent patch kit with you. A bus driver’s license cannot hurt either should the driver once again fall asleep drunk at the wheel. Otherwise, there is not much to say about this intimate little hotel. It has only one room, which you have to share with the owner and his pet Llama. The prices can be negotiated individually, and often the simple preparation of a hot meal for the host is enough in itself. Due to the often icy roads, the hotel usually only opens on February 29th, July 31st and December 24th. On the latter date, however, the host often expects a selfharvested Christmas tree and the corresponding gifts. Due to the long waiting list one should book far in advance. The current waiting period is 156 years.

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Tropico - Tourism

The Cozy Bridge

This is merely a dilapidated bridge under which you can comfortably set up your own sleeping bag for the night. Do not be distracted by the other “guests”. They extend strangers an extremely friendly welcome into their midst. This should be taken quite literally indeed, since you as the guest must often sleep in the middle so that the others can cuddle up to you and avoid exposure to the night tides. The next morning the regulars often expect a small donation (called a tax). Here the amount can fluctuate on a daily basis. Sometimes the fee is but a few Tropican dollars, but often the whole wallet is confiscated. Picture: R. Walker (CC BY 2.0)

The famous ‘Legendary Bridge of Tropico’ (seen here from above). Coincidently, this was also built by the same architect on the Tropican Inn, but it’s impossible to notice

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Tropico - Space Picture: Sludge G (CC BY-SA 2.0)

The first space shuttle of Tropico is known for its influential minimalist style.

Tropico’s space program began in the early years of the islands settlement. The first documented launch can actually be traced back to 1876. As this was the test of a previously untried launcher - operated with a kind of rubber - designed to fire items into low Earth orbit, llamas were used instead of the at that time ubiquitous natives. Some historians, however, assert that at that time natives and not the ubiquitous Llamas were used. To this day it remains unclear as to whether the first living being on the banana tree thirty five meters away was a man or a llama. It goes without saying that the aforementioned distance was very far from fulfilling the constructors’ naturally very ambitious - goals. Furthermore, the rescue of the native (or llama) from the palm proved much more difficult than the launch itself. The converted diving suit used as a spacesuit contributed its share of difficulty to the rescue. It is assumed that the life form either suffocated or drowned in the suit before it was able to once again touch Tropico’s hallowed soil. This went down in Tropican history as a black leap year.

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Tropico - Space

After this rather suboptimal initial attempt the space programme was mothballed and first resurrected in 1959. The unbounded labor of all those involved and great investment by the Tropican government produced a launching device which was ahead of its time. The so-called Troponaut was encased in a 17 cornered space capsule that was dropped from Tropico’s highest mountain. The enormous acceleration produced by multiple loops - a total of 78 - shot the capsule from the end of the device straight into the sky, from which it fell after 17.34 minutes. It is not necessary to mention that the Troponaut was killed in the re-entry. Maybe he only died upon impact on Tropico - after all, the crater it caused was 122 meters deep. All of this went down in Tropican history as a black common year. After all these setbacks it wasn’t until 1999 and 2000 - more precisely, between these years - before a successful space program could be inaugurated. In cooperation with neighboring countries and islands a mini-spaceship powered by 1,000,000 firework rockets was shot into orbit on New Year’s Eve. The target was the moon. However, due to an incorrect calculation, the mini-spaceship shot straight into the International Space Station construction site. Inasmuch as the spaceship was manned by a Tropollama - a space llama - it was unable to articulate intelligibly after the impact. The Cosmonaut sitting on the locus extremely competently kicked the TropoLlama back into space. After a number of orbits it began re-entry. Thanks to a very accurate (and very lucky) calculation, the llama landed - albeit slightly charred - alive and well on Tropico a short time later. All this went down in Tropican history as both a golden common year and leap year - as mentioned earlier, it was New Year’s Eve 99/2000. .

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Tropico - Tropican Facts and Figures

Tropican Facts and Figures • 10 out of 100 Tropicans are unable to calculate percentages. That’s over 17 percent. • Radio presenter Lulu Marie claims to seduce an average of five men, two women and 0.5 llamas every day. • El Presidente officially has $ 0.00 in illegal numbered accounts in Switzerland. The Cayman Islands offer a geographically much more favorable alternative. • Last year, 2% of the Tropican electorate died unnatural deaths Picture: Jon Feinstein (CC BY 2.0)

Results of the last election in Tropico: • According to Tropico’s Bureau of Statistics, accident probability is 148 times higher amongst opposition voters. Doctors, assassins and Penultimo categorically refute any direct link. • Everything is better with llamas.

• Tourists spend an average of 50% more money for inferior counterfeits when they are denied exit from the country. • Extensive studies and self-tests show that toxic residents of the undergrowth enjoy no great popularity. • 40% of the population of Tropico believe that the government falsifies statistics. This value is often questioned. • Tropican researchers have found that a staggering 69% of people hate it when a sentence does not end corr • A whopping 100% of the participants in a Tropican survey also took part in this same survey • In Tropico a new day dawns every 86,400 seconds, placing Tropico solidly in the global midfield.

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Tropico - Famous Tropican Inventors and Criminals

As you, dear reader, have certainly already noticed, nothing could be further from the intent of the authors of this missive than the creation of a serious guide. It should therefore come as no surprise whatsoever that this chapter contains a completely arbitrary list of prominent Tropicans from the fields of “inventor” and “criminal”. While you could be excused for initially surmising a link between these areas, in fact, we simply couldn’t come up with anything better. Have fun or, as we say in Tropico: “Many llama!”

Picture: Iñaki Queralt (CC BY 2.0)

Bernadette Berheide

From the very outset, young Bernadette’s life was beset by bad luck. After childbirth on a kayak in the Amazon, the attending pygmy shaman erroneously informed Bernadette’s mother of the successful birth of her daughter, whereupon she christened the child Bernadette Berheide right there in the middle of the Amazon. In actual fact, however, the child was male, and it was but the arrested development of his reproductive organs which led the pygmy doctor and Bernadette’s mother to believe a daughter had been born. Anyway, at the tender age of 24 it was Bernadette himself who discovered the error and changed his first name to Bernd. By this time, however, he had already earned his place in ​​history as the inventor of the epilator. Falsely believing himself to be a woman, his prodigious body hair caused him years of intense suffering. After beginning The mysterious and talented Tropican yoga teacher: B. Itch. work on the world’s first epilator at the tender age of 23, his first complete depilation one year later revealed the error in his gender and he took his rightful place in the ranks Tropico’s famous inventors.

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Tropico - Famous Tropican Inventors and Criminals Michele “Doc” Brownello

Timmy the Kid

Picture: jamieleto (CC BY-SA 2.0)

Today almost every child knows the story of the boyish gunslinger Billy the Kid, but what few know is that Billy the Kid had a distant 16th degree cousin in Tropico: Timmy the Kid! Known as Timmy the Kid and Friendly Tim he, unlike his criminal cousin, was a true role model in terms of politeness and Threatening looking children and bad moustaches: it must be the Wild West!

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Picture: Okko Pyykkö (CC BY 2.0)

Michele Brownello, known to friends and colleagues as “Doc”, went down in history as both a brilliant physicist and an ambitious hobby cook. One night Doc reached his breakthrough when he combined his two great passions (physics + cooking) and built a time machine out of a refrigerator. Since then he has travelled at free will through the history of Has cold hands and secretly likes it that way: your urologist. the world, always striving not to change the course of things. In a rare interview, he admitted to a reporter from the Tropico Times that he only actively intervened in history once: The Back to the Future trilogy inspired by his life had led many children to form the mistaken belief that their domestic refrigerator was also a time machine, which resulted in many cases of hypothermia and footprints in cream cakes. In order to protect the children and especially the cream cakes of the world, Doc traveled back in time and convinced the makers of the films to change the plot and use a car instead of a refrigerator for the time machine in the movies.

Tropico - Famous Tropican Inventors and Criminals

social interaction. He was the first and only bank and stagecoach robber to treat those attacked with the utmost respect and decency. So it was that Timmy the Kid ended almost every one of his sentences - including the famous “Your money or your life” line - with a “.... if it’s not too much trouble”. Most of those robbed were eager to accede to this polite request, usually because Timmy always carried a loaded revolver with him to underscore his purpose. His life ended abruptly on April 17th 1885 when he attacked a stagecoach which had already been hijacked by Dennis “Mad Dog” Lennon. More about this incident and Dennis Lennon in the next section.

Picture: Superfantastic (CC BY-SA 2.0)

Dennis “Mad Dog” Lennon

There’s always a bigger fish in the sea. Dennis “Mad Dog” Lennon, the second great gunslinger from Tropico’s Wild West era, taught Timmy the Kid the meaning of that saying. Lennon made his first appearance in the famous Tropico County llama war, where he played a key role. After the war he moved through Tropico, robbing banks, orphanages, charitable organizations and stagecoaches. On April 17th 1885 he was disturbed in the pursuit of his day’s work by Timmy the Kid, in the course of which it came to a Tropican standoff. This is a variant of Snoop Dogg goes Country the Mexican standoff, only that it takes place in Tropico and only requires two feuding parties. Lennon emerged victorious from this duel only to retire and spend his remaining years as the owner and operator of a carriage wash tunnel. The idea came to him after an accident in which he drove a freshly stolen carriage into a wagon full of horse manure and was then annoyed that the new coach was so dirty. That makes Dennis “Mad Dog” Lennon the only one to fall into both of this chapter’s categories as a great Tropican inventor (the carriage wash tunnel) and a criminal.

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Tropico - Famous Tropican Inventors and Criminals

Thomas Woodaro

There are inventions that are quite nice. Inventions such as the wheel or the Internet, for example. And then there are inventions that are of such unimaginable magnitude that they change the whole of posterity forever. Take pizza, for example. Or pizza delivery. Thomas Woodaro’s invention falls into the second category. It was a sunny day in May 1947 when Woodaro met up with some friends for a round of golf, where he allegedly had a vision from God commanding him to found a new sport: Bolf. Apparently God was wearing glasses with a rubber nose and a fake black mustache, but that changes nothing about the unambiguous commandment. After Woodaro and God spoke intensely about the rules of Bolf, he went to his car (Woodaro, not God. God rides a motorbike), got his bowling ball and a shovel out of his trunk, expanded the holes on the golf course and began to bolf - an insane, fast-paced and nerve-racking mix of bowling and golf. As in golf, your goal is to cup the ball in as few turns as possible from the start position. With the subtle difference that you do not hit a golf ball, but rather roll a bowling ball instead. Without a run-up. Today, Bolf enjoys great popularity in Tropico, although this demanding sport for the whole family has avoided international success to this day.

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Tropico - Literature Picture: thefixer (CC BY 2.0)

With increased speed, wind can easily be used as a hair dryer…

The picturesque shores of Tropico have produced many great poets and authors. Although unnoticed by most of the world, their works in the field of literature can stand up to those of Goethe, Shakespeare, and Britney Spears. Tropicans are very proud of their writers and so, in the context of this guide, we wish to introduce at least the most prominent of these. Marion Juan de la Nees (Born 1985)

Nees began writing short stories for the blind at a young age. But as he failed to write them in Braille his works found few buyers. After putting some consideration into producing audiobooks for the deaf and non-verbal instead he decided to venture into the genre of romance novels. With bestsellers such as “Hold me in your strong arms, my wild Sea Stallion”, “Love me like the ebb would never come” and “Will you be my llama?” the young author wrote his way into the hearts of readers around the globe.

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Tropico - Literature Alfonso van Beer Heide (Born about 1869 to 1962)

Oft the focus of international criticism for his works, Author Alfonso van Beer Heide was born in Tropico somewhere between 1869 and 1962. After studying some few years in Holland, the land of his ancestors, he returned to Tropico in 2011. His most controversial works include titles such as “If your age is on the clock...”, “Fifteen will get you twenty” and “Dear Diary - Jackpot!” which have won him both followers and critics alike. Stefano di Marcinechini (Born in 1977 - although some references claim 1987)

Born the same year as his fellow writer de la Nees, Di Marcinechini began his career as a poet and thinker comparatively late. First, di Marcinechini dedicated himself to growing maize before moving on to the White House as a security consultant, where he wrote his first poem “Me and Number Two at the White House” while on the toilet. This was followed by countless other poems which were eventually published in a lavish two page anthology in 2012 for which he almost received a nomination for the Nobel Prize for Literature. Don Diego Blumenthal (born 1985)

As a young man, DD Blumenthal once sat at one of Tropico’s picturesque sandy beaches and philosophized about life, the state, the love and the people. That was the moment his destiny became clear: Don Diego Blumenthal wanted to be the world’s most famous author of bathroom jokes, travel guides and reference books. In his most famous work “Same shit, different bay” he writes of the joys of defecating on the world’s most beautiful coasts. In addition, it was DD Blumenthal who drew the world’s attention to his colleague Di Marcinechini’s first work (“I’ll drop the kids off at the pool”), praising it as “the greatest revelation since the invention of toilet paper.”

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Tropico - The “Jolly Roger” Every resident, visitor and illegal immigrant in Tropico is sooner or later confronted with the name “Jolly Roger”. This, however, does not refer to an overweight and very fun-loving American named Roger, but rather to the most famous beach bar to ever boast an integrated, guaranteed anything-but-independent radio station. Fiesta, women and fermented fruit cocktails at permanently low prices lure the unsuspecting and regular alike into the best bar on the island’s most beautiful beach. El Presidente is also said to often have been there. More problematically, it has no known address.

The “Lulu Marie” Show She is considered the most beautiful woman in Tropico. However, no one has ever seen her in order to verify this. According to her, however, she has already slept with so many Tropican men that she is now starting all over again. We are talking about Lulu Marie, the faceless island bicycle with a penchant for astronauts, surfers, football players and anything else with hair on its chest. The 27 year-old spreads these and other inappropriate and politically sensitive stories 24 hours a day, 7 days a week from her studio. Meaning and purpose :

Conspiracy theorists rumor that Lulu is a computer-controlled AI programmed by El Presidente himself. Furthermore, it is suspected that her babble hides coded control signals for Tropico’s nuclear missiles. Should the show one day end, automated nuclear strikes against other countries will be carried out. These wild rumors are based on various statements by Lulu Marie, such as “The Jolly Roger will always be there for you, even till the end of time!” And the fact that the location of the Jolly Roger has remained undiscovered. Skeptics counter that her unending show regularly advertises discounted drinks, wild parties and hot nights with the hostess. The aluminium hat crowd are certain that this is a carefully calculated deceptive measure. Whatever the truth may be, we love to listen to that sexy voice while we hoof it through the jungle with our llamas.

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Picture: Indi Samarajiva (CC BY 2.0)

Tropico - Industry

The Tropicans’ siesta is very sacred. Breaks regularly go on for far longer than is needed

Tropico’s subsistence economy (over 117% of all goods produced are exported, and the country’s supply shortage mean that it can live quite well off international subsidies) makes it a serious industrial nation. Which is to say that it is seriously getting on the other industrialized nations’ nerves. Tropico’s advanced industrialization has a long history and can be traced back to the time of the dinosaurs. Even Tropican velociraptors knew that you always have to stay one step ahead of progress. Modern conspiracy theories are based on the rumor that aliens landed in today’s Tropico back in the time of the Incas, where they passed futuristic technologies on to the first forefathers, the so-called “Olbug Gers”. Unable to use it, they buried the stuff in a huge hole in the jungle. The suspiciously high speed at which industrialization has been progressing since the wild seventies has led both hippies and Illuminati followers alike to suspect that El Presidente found the alien garbage dump. A quite reasonable assumption when one considers that the Internet was “discovered” in the basement of the governmental palace.

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Tropico - Geography

Nuclear Industry Today, the nuclear industry in particular is enjoying a rapid increase in productivity and popularity. The cleanest of all energy forms (windmills - no thanks) not only powers numerous homes and public buildings throughout the island, but is also a major supplier for food, electrical and toy production. While discarded fuel rods are generating a hitherto unimaginable growth on agricultural products, Tropican developments such as the nuclear-powered vacuum cleaner “Nu- clean” and the radio-controlled atomic submarine “Cherno Boat” also represent true international bestsellers. Tropican industry is built on the foundation of equal employment rights. For that reason, for every woman hired by one of the country’s businesses at least one other must be dismissed. And the technology firm “Crapple” features a purely male board with equal voting rights for all. “Crapple” founder Esteban Empleos once said: “Anyone who fries someone else a bratwurst has a bratwurst roaster.” Since that day several billion Crapple brand bratwurst roasters are exported around the world annually. And they can also be used to telephone, too.

Geography

The highest mountain, the deepest valley and the longest river in the world - only three of the things you will not find currently in Tropico. But you will find hundreds of square kilometers of pristine rainforest, processed into houses, bridges and Scandinavian furniture. The inland is festooned with numerous mountain ranges whose peaks sometimes now even lie just above sea level. The forested mountain ranges of the east in some places extend all the way to the West. Mountains - Genesis, composition and growth

The Folded Karst Mountains - also known as Tropican Switzerland - can be dated back as far as the Tertiary Pleistocene. These insights were gained using radiocarbon dating of fossil caudates uncovered only in the last five years through massive rainfall and the associated erosion. The Tropican Switzerland was probably created by the

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Picture: dynamosquito (CC BY-SA 2.0)

Tropico - Geography

The passionate personality of the Tropican people can also be seen throughout the local landscape

impact of a huge meteorite in what is now the Gulf of Mexico. A huge piece of debris was thrown all the way to Tropico in the process, where it landed in the middle of the island. As such, this mountain is in fact the world’s largest monolith - Ayers Rock in Australia is a joke compared to it. Geologists, foreign policy experts and lawyers are all agreed that valuable mineral resources such as gold and uranium are present only in small quantities - at least, that’s what they tell the international community to prevent a war of aggression powered by colonial imperialism on the part of Western superpowers. Officially, the mountain range consists for the most part of fossilized farm animal excrement with a small percentage of limestone. The enormous volcanic activity beneath the island allows Tropican Switzerland to grow by a few meters every day. Scientists predict reaching the stratosphere in the year 2025. From then on world record skydives will no longer be dependent upon

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Tropico - Geography grossly overpriced helium balloons and sponsorship contracts with manufacturers of energy drinks. Waters

Tropico holds two aquatic world records. One for the fastest drying up of a river of all time; this took but a few seconds and to this day discussion persists as to whether it was actually a natural source or El Presidente’s micturations while on a mountain hike. The second record relates to the largest inland sea in the world with 393 million square kilometers. Mistakenly referred to by the rest of the world as the world’s oceans, Lake Tropicosee is actually a huge freshwater lake which has burst its’ banks and become salty over time through the dissolution of sodium chloride from the bedrock.

Invention of the kickboard

What very few people likely know, especially in the Western industrialized nations so plagued by excessive press censorship and media manipulation, is the fact that a Tropican was responsible for inventing the underrated niche sport kickboard. After the skateboard craze spread from the California suburb “Menace Beach” to Tropico back in the seventies, a youth protest movement against unethical mass llama farming spawned the legendary “Llama Brigade”. The name was coined in memory of the group’s original, yet quickly abandoned, purpose. During the first and only annual Tropican Skateboard Championships Antonio “Tony” Hernandez was injured when the left rear wheel came off his skateboard after performing a “Double-Flipside to Fakie Nosebone Grind”. In his rage he grabbed a nearby broom and pounded so violently on his skateboard that the handle of the broom stuck in the board. Tony quickly realized that the additional control the hiphigh stick offered him would allow him to continue along on three wheels. And so the kickboard was born, joining a long list of glorious contributions to world culture by our country.

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Tropico - Sports Sports is - together with the practice of conjugal relations with their wives - one of the great passions of Tropicans everywhere. Most do not or rarely participate themselves. But when hit by the sporting urge, Tropican men display great stamina. According to current scientific studies, male Tropicans do two to three minutes of extramural sports. Female Tropicans do two to three hours, depending on their sports partner.

Picture : belgraded.com (CC BY 2.0)

The most widespread sport on Tropico is the so-called “Clubbing”. The rules of “Clubbing” are many-faceted and so very complex that defy explanation here. In short, two male Tropicans rhythmically belabor one another’s crania with clubs until one can no longer stand. A perennial favorite amongst tourists, this sport allegedly inspired a number of songs such as “Hit me with your rhythm stick” and “Hit me baby one more time”. But as stated earlier, the official rules are much more complex.

Here is a selection of authorised clubbing equipment. According to the official Clubbing guidelines a stick must be at least 1m long, 20kg heavy and have an impact force of at least 10,000 megatons.

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Tropico - Sports The Clubbing World Cup of 1972 is worthy of special mention. The reason it is so important is that there was no World Cup that year. The rioting was so severe during the preliminary rounds that the Tropican police had to intervene with their new metal clubs. Unfortunately some - or, more precisely, all - of the World Cup participants were clubbed in the process, so the event had to be canceled. To this day, however, the Tropican Police consider themselves the only true 1972 world champions. The clubbed - and, unfortunately, crippled - participants are of course of a different opinion. Sadly enough, their broken jaws still prevent them from articulating themselves intelligibly.

Picture : tmv_media (CC BY-SA 2.0)

Female mud wrestling was extremely popular with the men for a time until the women eventually dropped the mud in favor of a kind of “Feminine Clubbing”. Since then men have avoided this sport while simultaneously enjoying the wife-free time, as they are KO’d by the third round at latest and must then remain in the city hospital for at least a week or two. For a small donation the doctor can even ensure that the lawfully wedded wife can be entertained in the husbands absence. Remember: One hundred Tropican Dollars = one satisfied wife

Women’s mud wrestling, much to the chagrin of Penultimo, is not enforced by Tropican law. He really struggles to get a girlfriend.

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Tropico - Tropico’s History

In addition to Clubbing, a kind of Tropican chess game - called Jhess - is a perennial favorite in the island state. As opposed to normal chess, however, each player has but a single knight. As you can see, this means that the game can never end. Inventors Adolfo de Check and Julio de Mate noticed this during their first game, which lasted over 78 years. It was only after Adolfo de Check died a natural death that Julio de Mate won the first and only game of Tropican chess. He enjoyed his victory for all of three minutes before he too kicked the bucket. Unfortunately, Jhess has yet to make a global breakthrough.

Tropico’s History

Tropico’s history is a story full of inconsistencies and misunderstandings, which may be due to the fact the historical records were written in a crude gibberish mixture of English, Indonesian, Molwanian and Nyawk. This can lead to a wide variety of interpretations. For example, the Tropican word “spouts” can mean either “verbal waterfall” or “housewife” and, under certain circumstances, even “Armpit-haired thrice divorced wife with the evil squint”. Inasmuch as each of these different meanings can be found in the ancient tomes detailing Tropico’s history, a historically correct interpretation is extremely difficult. The first mention of our glorious island occurred several thousand years before the

Picture : Mark Rain (CC BY 2.0)

Picture: Anja Disseldorp (CC BY 2.0)

In Tropican, a word can have two meanings. The word “Kryt” for example, can mean both ‘Toad’ and also ‘Wife’ (to avoid confusion, the Toad can be seen on the right).

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Tropico - Language

year 1000. Yes, this is most assuredly correct. At that time all timepieces always calculated in steps of one thousand. From today’s perspective it would be untimely to say that timepieces should always have measured time in that measure. There are two different theories on the islands origin. In the first theory, recognized scientists assume that the island rose from the sea as a result of an underground volcanic eruption, cooled over a very long period of time and was then gradually occupied by animals, plants and eventually humans. The second theory states that El Presidente wished for an island when he saw a shooting star on a cloudless and starry night during an Atlantic crossing. This then promptly - thanks to Express Delivery - fell from the sky. The world-renowned scientists mentioned above assume that the second theory is the most probable of the two. Over the centuries and millennia Tropicans have survived the worst disasters: volcanic eruptions, economic depressions and those of El Presidente and several hundred of the island ruler’s ex-wives. Note: El Presidente never dies. Even though he should by rights have been dead for several thousand years, he arises each morning out of a sheer love of life and being a dictator. His people thank him with enthusiastic enthusiasm. Tropico has played a role in international politics from the very beginning, namely none. Too bad.

Language As mentioned in the chapter on “Tropico’s History”, Tropican is not an easy language. The flexible abbreviated syntax results in meanings whose divergences are sometimes difficult to comprehend. Some words may have several different meanings in translation where the Tropican original does not. “Emplerf”, for example, is translated as both “employee” and “serf”. In the Tropican original there is no difference between the two.

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Tropico - Language Here is an overview of the most important words and phrases to help you linguistically survive your first few days of vacation on Tropico: Tropican

English

Holla

Hello

Plis

Please

Tanx

Thank you

Werdacan?

Where is the toilet, please?

Much foda (panna cotta)?

How much does the (Panna Cotta) cost?

Got o’clock?

What time is it?

Old enuff?

How old are you?

How soon saloon?

Where is the nearest bar, please?

Inna food mood where?

Where is the nearest restaurant, please?

How low yo ho go?

How much is your wedded wife?

Probation me?

Do I get a suspended sentence?

Garters too?

Do I get garters?

Screwdat, bullet me cause I already hung. Sorry, but I would prefer to be shot and

not hanged.

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Since its discovery in the year 164,136 BC, the small island of Tropico has enjoyed countless visitors each year. Democracy, freedom, cheap prices, good food, social equality and human rights – are all things that Tropico is not known for. So break out of the dreary everyday life of Western civilization and enjoy an adventurous journey to the small, island dystopia state of Tropico, where llamas are treated like kings and tourists act as a bottomless ATM ready to be harvested. Never-ending fun and entertainment awaits you! This helpful guide to Tropico takes the uninitiated by the hand and gives them helpful hints, informs you of its peculiarities, its history and its many crazy traditions. For as Schüller already wrote: ”Wanderer, you have made your way to Tropico ..... better have this Guide here!”

“Cheaper than Toilet paper!” (Book of Tropico e.V.)