Thoughtful Answers to Timeless Questions: Decades of Wisdom in Letters 9781543904932

Citation preview

In Loving Memory William Glasser, M.D. May 11, 1925 – August 23, 2013

Also by William Glasser, MD Choice Theory: A New Psychology of Personal Freedom Reality Therapy: A New Approach to Psychiatry Every Student Can Succeed For Parents and Teenagers: Bridging the Gap Between Them Eight Lessons for a Happier Marriage Warning: Psychiatry can be Hazardous to Your Mental Health What is this Thing Called Love? Getting Together and Staying Together Staying Together Counseling with Choice Theory: The New Reality Therapy The Language of Choice Theory Positive Addiction Fibromyalgia: Hope from a Completely New Perspective Schools Without Failure The Quality School The Quality School Teacher Choice Theory in the Classroom The Identity Society The Choice Theory Manager Take Charge of Your Life: Using Choice Theory Psychology to Get What You Need

Thoughtful Answers to Timeless Questions Copyright © 2016 by WILLIAM GLASSER, INC. All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any informational storage retrieval system without the written permission of the publisher except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews. Books may be ordered through booksellers or by contacting William Glasser Inc. [email protected] Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web address or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and hereby disclaims any responsibility for them. ISBN: 978-1-54-390493-2

Printed in the United States of America

To the late Linda Harshman, Executive Director of the William Glasser Institute, who carefully preserved all of Dr. Glasser’s Correspondence for over 25 years. Her loyalty and dedication to the work of this great man was her passion until the day she died.

Contents Foreword Preface Acknowledgments Introduction 1. Explaining Choice Theory 2. Clarifying Choice Theory 3. Dating and Marriage 4. Parenting 5. Education 6. Addictions 7. Corrections 8. Military 9. Workplace 10. Testimonials 11. Collegiality 12. Appendix COVER PHOTO BY BRANDI ROTH. Ph.D.

Forward It was my great privilege to have known Dr. Glasser as a brilliant and generous teacher, esteemed mentor, and dear friend. It has been an honor to review hundreds of Dr. Glasser’s intimate letters that reflect the incredible wisdom of one of the historic visionaries of our time. These letters demonstrate his profound sense of empathetic guidance that has been developed over decades of exploration, evolution of ideas, and self-reflection. The words found in these letters offer us a rare and insightful perspective into the mind of a true genius. While compiling the material for this book, I was reminded of many of the personal interactions I had with Dr. Glasser, some of which I would classify as truly inspirational. During one such interaction I asked Dr. Glasser what his great teacher, Dr. G. L. Harrington taught him. Instantly, Dr. Glasser replied, “Jim, I cannot tell you what he taught me, I can tell you what I learned from him.” I had an epiphany when I heard these words. I realized that Dr. Glasser rejected the external perspective of being taught, meaning that someone else was doing something to him. As a Choice Theorist, he fully embraced the internal perspective of having learned based on information Dr. Harrington shared with him. I learned that Dr. Glasser was an expert at recognizing and utilizing the language of Choice Theory in increasingly more subtle and profound ways. Nearly three years ago I was having dinner with Dr. Glasser and Carleen at their house. We were discussing the prevalence of war in our lifetimes. During our conversation I began by saying, “If enough people practiced Choice Theory.” I corrected myself and said, “When enough people practice Choice Theory I believe we will see peace on earth.” These are some of the last words I shared with Dr. Glasser. This was the last time I saw him, he passed away two days later. Shortly thereafter, I had the opportunity to speak more about this with

Carleen. She acknowledged that Dr. Glasser shared a similar belief and envisioned a peaceful world that embraced Choice Theory, a world liberated from “the plague” of external control psychology. I hope that in reading these letters you will gain a greater understanding of the benefits of using Choice Theory to enhance your relationships. I trust that as you implement a lifestyle based on Choice Theory, you will experience a greater degree of internal tranquility and more harmonious and peaceful interactions with others. Perhaps, when enough of us utilize Choice Theory we will experience Dr. Glasser’s vision for peace on earth. Jim Coddington III, MSW, CTRTC Jim works with a variety of individuals teaching them intrinsic skills to create a more need satisfying and vibrant life. As a Choice Theory, Reality Therapy Certified (CTRTC), Recovery Specialist and Interventionist, Jim incorporates Choice Theory while working with individuals dealing with substance abuse and their loved ones. The wisdom found in his booklet, “Offering Hope: A Survival Guide for Those Coping with a Loved One’s Addiction” offers hope to a seemingly hopeless situation. www.offeringhope.net

Preface After being a part of William Glasser’s life for 20 years, I came to know the real man behind the groundbreaking ideas he offered the world. The books he wrote, the lectures he gave and the counseling skills he taught and perfected all flowed from an intensely creative mind. He was always thinking, even in the middle of the night. His creativity never slept. The letters presented in this book are his thoughtful and creative answers to questions people have asked about life since civilization began. This book offers everyone answers for what to do when you don’t know what to do. In considering the formidable contributions Dr. Glasser made to help mankind, the single most outstanding trait I witnessed as his wife was his complete authenticity. Bill actually practiced what he taught. He lived a life based on a personal psychology of Intrinsic Power to counteract the destructive psychology of External Control responsible for most of the unhappiness in the world. Bill offered an alternative to practicing external control. He developed Choice Theory, a body of knowledge explaining that human behavior is internally motivated to satisfy genetic needs. By leading a life that makes use of this knowledge, people often choose to create a belief system and behaviors consistent with the Psychology of Intrinsic Power, which William Glasser named: A New Psychology of Personal Freedom. He used personal freedom in the subtitle of his seminal book, Choice Theory, to emphasize the relationship between intrinsic power and personal freedom. The purpose of Thoughtful Answers to Timeless Questions is to illustrate another way Bill chose to offer his wisdom to the world, using one personal letter at a time. I sincerely believe these letters merit a larger audience. If you find this book useful to you, please let me know. I can be reached at: [email protected]. Please indicate “Decades of Wisdom” as the subject. Carleen Glasser

Acknowledgments This book is a love story. All the people who took the time to write to Dr. Glasser became the recipients of his heartfelt love and caring advice. Thank you for writing to him. Because of you his creative responses can now be shared. On behalf of my husband, Bill Glasser and myself, I would like to thank Jim Coddington for all the work he did compiling the letters for this book. His was truly a labor of love. He, along with many others who continue to teach Dr. Glasser’s ideas around the world to carry on his legacy, are often laboring without compensation. They report great satisfaction in the knowledge they are helping people live happier lives. Among them is Shearon Bogdanovic who volunteers countless hours doing this work. A big thanks to her for her careful edits and technical assistance. Other important contributors are the regional representatives serving on the various advisory boards of the William Glasser Institute in the United States and world-wide.

2016 - William Glasser International: Executive Board Members: Brian Lennon, Chair Emeritus John Cooper, Chairperson Juan Pablo Aljure, Vice President Masaki Kakitani, Treasurer Jean Seville Suffield, Secretary Kim Olver, Executive Director

Board Members: Janet Fain Morgan

Nancy Herrick Rose-Inza Kim Bosiljka [Boba] Lojk Stephanie Myers Mirinthia Maalsdorp Dubravka Stijacic Kalikamurti Saraswati Suich Shruti Tekwani

William Glasser Institute- United States: Board Members: Nancy Buck Janette More Mike Rice Susan I. Tomaszewsky Willa J. Casstevens Jim Mishler, Terri Allen Sharon Carter-Jackson Jerry Noel Elizabeth Conry Davidson Dave Betz We would like to thank all the people who have written books and articles supporting William Glasser’s work. They have enhanced his contributions to the helping professions, such as counseling, teaching and managing; as well as addictions, corrections and health care. Notably, a prolific advocate of Glasser’s work is Robert E. Wubbolding, Ed. D., who has written fifteen books, over one hundred fifty articles and essays for professional journals, and chapters in thirty-four textbooks on the use and effectiveness of Reality Therapy. About Wubbolding, Dr. Glasser wrote, “He is one of my most trusted associates. I couldn’t recommend anyone more highly.” Another powerful contribution has been made by Jim Roy, Ed. D., who interviewed Dr. Glasser over a span of ten years. He has written a compelling biography called, William Glasser: A Champion of Choice. There are many more advocates of the ideas expressed in this book, who are

carrying on the legacy of William Glasser. We are grateful to them and to all the countless others who have followed his path to help create a better world. Finally, I would like to thank Bill Glasser, himself, for being the best husband, friend and mentor anyone could ever imagine. This book is a tribute to him.

INTRODUCTION William Glasser died on August 23, 2013 but his profound ideas will live on in the hearts and minds of everyone he inspired. The lives of countless people around the world are better because of his message. In the early 1960’s, William Glasser created a new counseling approach he called Reality Therapy. After twenty-five years of the successful use of Reality Therapy by thousands of people he trained, he was able to identify the theoretical basis explaining why his therapy was so effective. He named it Choice Theory and began teaching it around the world. I had the privilege to be William Glasser’s wife and partner for the last 20 years of his life. We worked side by side during most of those years writing, lecturing and teaching in the Choice Theory/Reality Therapy Certification Program. Recently I found several large boxes filled with hundreds of letters written to him by his readers. Some were sent to him from people already attempting to use his ideas. With each letter was a copy of the corresponding letter he sent in answer to every person who wrote to him. In these letters he offered wise and loving advice, and often took the opportunity to teach new information. The letters we have collected for this book are representative of William Glasser’s spontaneous creativity at its best. These letters speak for themselves and no further explanation of them is given. Each letter remains as it was written minus any identifying names to maintain confidentiality. Original punctuation and grammar have been retained other than for the purpose of clarity. Although they are up to your interpretation, your understanding of the concepts might be enhanced if the letters became discussion topics for any group choosing to read them. As I read each letter I was struck by how brilliant a mind my husband had. He was a pioneer in his field, an innovator of the art of teaching people to help themselves. His groundbreaking ideas have inspired many contemporary authors and theorists in the field of psychology to develop various methods and programs of their own. People like Wayne Dyer and Dr. Phil McGraw have publicly recognized his ideas as being influential in the early development of their own work.

In this book you will hear the voice of William Glasser through every letter he wrote. The hallmark of his writing has always been its enjoyable readability. He uses words that are devoid of what has been called “psychobabble” because he presents his ideas in language that is easy to understand. Sometimes it is said that what he wrote is simply common sense because it is so clear and understandable. Dr. Glasser answered this observation by stating, “My ideas are exceedingly un-common sense because they explain what to do when you don’t know what to do. Usually that means something that is very difficult to accomplish such as using absolutely no external control on yourself or others.” This book presents what William Glasser actually wrote to the people who sent him letters about some extremely hard problems they were dealing with in their lives. His answers were always clear. The hard part would be for the individual to take action and change the behavior they were currently using. Sometimes that requires a little help from hearing new information. Dr. Glasser offers new information but the choice to act on it is up to the person who receives it. He once said, “All advice is good advice, in that it is well-intentioned. The only problem is getting the other person to do it. The fact is the only behavior you can control is your own. Getting rid of the External Control behaviors which destroy the relationships you want and need is easy to understand but hard to do.” In reading Dr. Glasser’s books and the letters presented in this book you will find answers to some of life’s most difficult challenges. The connection you may have with the people who wrote the letters is the familiarity of shared experiences. You may see yourself in this book and if you do it is our hope that you will benefit from reading answers you can immediately apply in your own life. Carleen Glasser, MA, CTRTC

1. EXPLAINING CHOICE THEORY “If we continue to use the external control psychology which tears people apart and destroys relationships, we’ll make no progress in improving the way we get along with each other. That’s the main task of the world. It’s as important as the ozone layer and the greenhouse effect. What good would it be to have a healthy planet if we can’t get along together? To me, that’s the bottom line. I support all that everyone is doing in terms of environmental health, but the environment that exists between two people-the destructive environment of external control- should be replaced with the constructive, helpful, supportive environment of Choice Theory.” William Glasser, M.D. August 1, 1999 Dear Dr. Glasser, Dr. Glasser, I have thought of you so much in the last week: If I did not have a firm grasp on Choice Theory and Reality Therapy, I would have “crazyed” myself into Social Work Counselor La La Land. I don’t know if the heat’ or our drought or we’re just talking late summer, but the family problems involving parents and children came into my office last week without cessation. “Fix my kid.” “Fix my husband.” “My wife sides with her kid.” Most, if not all if my memory serves me, were situations involving, stepfamilies. And the power/control as well as belonging conflicts were epidemic. But good Lord, everyone (mothers, fathers, teachers, neighbors, cops, mobile therapists, behavior specialists, therapeutic support staff … et.al.) is looking for “the in depth answer” to the “reason” for this kid’s behavior. And when I suggest an alternative, Choice Theory, well, you know what happens. I’m not complaining and I KNOW that Choice Theory and Reality Therapy are effective and a strong force in the lives of those who apply them. It’s just that I think of you more than anyone in this world as my teacher; and so I’m sharing experiences with my mentor. Thanks.

Best wishes to you and to Mrs. Glasser. August 11, 1999 Dear: Thanks so much for you letter and the note from Mary. Your total support of what I’m trying to do is certainly appreciated. I’ll be needing you in the cheering section at the Evolution of Psychotherapy 2000 Conference, when I’m going to really lay it on the line as my new book, Reality Therapy in Action* will be out. It was a pleasure seeing you in Boston, and I counsel you to “cheer up.” All the difficulty you’re having with people is what makes your life exciting. Hell, if they all came in, you gave them a few words, taught them a little, and they all got their lives under better control and were fine, what fun would that be? The main thing is to work hard, but not take it too seriously. We’re doing the best we can and that’s all we can do. I would, however, keep pushing people in the direction of Choice Theory, and when the new book comes out, I think you can really recommend that book-it really explains it and I’m very excited about it. We’re just finishing the galleys right now and I think it’s going to be a little bit of a stir when it comes out. I’ve also read the new book by Peter Breggin entitled: Your Drug May be Your Problem: How and Why to Stop Taking Psychiatric Drugs. Dr. Breggin has also written the forward to my new Reality Therapy book. Psychiatric drugs really are a big problem, really much more of a problem I think than the illegal drugs, in the sense that people take them and think they are the right thing. At least with illegal drugs they know they’re not the right thing, and at least they have that going for them. When a physician prescribes them, they don’t have much of a chance at all. Enough of my wanderings. We’ll see you next year at the conference if not before. Best- William Glasser, M.D. * Now entitled, Counseling with Choice Theory: The New Reality Therapy

Dr. Glasser, I want to thank you for coming to Glenwood Springs last fall and for your informative presentations which encouraged and reassured us that, in spite of all the overwhelming challenges that we face in society today, there is hope. I am often reminded of your simple but life-changing suggestions that can truly transform relationships and the world if we will choose to give up our negative, critical habits. It’s easier said than done, but just becoming aware of them is an essential step in attempting to change our ways. Sincerely,

“One of my mother’s favorite sayings was “every little bit helps said the old lady as she spit in the ocean.” Well, I guess we have to keep spitting and maybe one day, who knows.” William Glasser, M.D. “As my great teacher Dr. G .L. Harrington used to say when people were faced with very difficult times, “things are tough all over.” They are tough in Fredericton, Los Angeles, and everywhere. But we have got something good no matter how difficult times are or how overwhelmed we become. At least what we are doing is stemming the tide a little tiny bit.” William Glasser, M.D. May 5, 2004 Dr. Glasser, I am trying to adapt your principles to a staff group dealing with elderly residents in a care facility. I want to use the seven deadly habits outlined in

Warning: Psychiatry Can Be Hazardous To Your Mental Health. But, on page 79, lines 5-7 says “People don’t like to be criticized and the more accurate the criticism is, the less likely they like both you and what you said.” Do you mean that pointing out a mistake will cause them to dislike you and what you said? What if you are their supervisor and they are not applying the correct procedure in the widget machine? How is one to point out the error without causing stress? Thank You! May 24, 2004 Dear: Thank you for your note. It hurts people even more if the criticism is accurate because people don’t like to be criticized and they will recognize its accuracy. The relationship is the key to everything. If we can criticize people without harming the relationship, it would be wonderful, but I don’t think we can. So, instead we have to use different procedures, which are outlined in my book, Warning: Psychiatry Can be Hazardous to Your Mental Health. Perhaps you could say something like, “look there is something we ought to talk over. I am concerned that somehow or another you are doing some things that certainly, if we had a little talk, you might learn to do a little better or a little more effectively and may feel better for doing it.” This sounds like criticism, but it is much more acceptable. It is kind of a nice way to criticize. A person like yourself, who is probably not very critical, may be able to talk to people and come across in a way that they understand that what you are trying to do is help them. But, for many people it doesn’t work that way. I again want to emphasize the relationship. Before you start telling people they are making mistakes, you need to build a really good relationship with them and in the course of the relationship, ask them about how they are doing, who they are getting along with, etc. Pretty soon they may be able to see their mistake and then you could compliment them on seeing it themselves. I hope you understand what I am trying to say. It may not seem important,

but it is crucial in many relationships. Best- William Glasser, M.D. “You have to figure out your own quality world. No one can do it for you and no one can change it. But if you haven’t figured out one that is satisfying, then it is something you have to continue to work on. A quality world can’t really dissolve. We have to have something to depend upon. We have to put ourselves in our own quality world. As my great teacher Dr. Harrington said, “don’t criticize yourself- other people are willing to do that for you.” We have to support ourselves and our relationships.” William Glasser, M.D. “No matter who loves us or doesn’t love us, the best thing we can do is love and take care of ourselves. We need other people, but we need other people who care for us.” William Glasser, M.D. June1, 2005 Hello, I am currently participating in the Basic Practicum. I had a question in practicum that my teacher could not answer. She suggested I email the institute and share the response at our next meeting. How does Reality Therapy/Choice Theory work with victims of sexual abuse (as child), sexual assault/rape, and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder? I do not want to try to apply it without guidance since I certainly do not feel comfortable telling someone they “choose” flashbacks or nightmares. Are there any materials published about this? Also, how would you use Reality Therapy/Choice Theory with someone who

has grief & loss issues? I would appreciate any feedback and I will share it in our practicum meetings. Thank you. June 6, 2005 Dear: I received your note of June 1, 2005, and I’ll try to answer you the best I can. Following Choice Theory, as bad as our past may have been, we can’t change it. Whatever happens to someone, whether it is sexual, physical or neglectful, are all bad things to have happened in the past. But, people are now living in the present. Therefore, they can only satisfy their needs now in the present. Most people who suffer from past abuse have not been able to create satisfying present relationships. They may believe that they are suffering from something that happened in the past, but actually they are suffering from their inability to deal with present problems 99% of which I believe are present relationship problems. This is mostly caused by their present use of external control psychology because people who have been abused use that as much as people who haven’t been abused and this harms their relationships. Therefore, what you do with anything in the past is to focus on the future and find out what are the good relationships now and try to improve them. If people have no good relationships now, that is where reality therapy and Choice Theory will work. If they can create good present relationships, no matter how badly they suffered in the past, they will be able to get along fine. My cousin’s wife was a victim of concentration camps in World War II and suffered horribly. She saw her parents, brothers and sisters murdered. She survived and she is getting along quite well. She even went back to the concentration camp for a visit to see what it looked like today. She is getting along well because she maintains very strong and satisfying present relationships. I don’t really believe that PTSD is something people suffer from unless the trauma is still going on. If the trauma is no longer happening, it is the fact

that they don’t have satisfying relationships in their life now and that is where they have to focus. In answer to the grief and loss issues, it is the same thing. A normal amount of grief is six months or perhaps at most one year. But if someone is still grieving, it is because his or her present relationships are not making up for what they lost in the past. As much as we may not like the idea that we can make up for the past and the present, there is nothing else we can do. I hope this helps. Cordially- Bill Glasser “Reality therapy, which is based on Choice Theory, differs markedly from external control therapies that claim that people are the victims of tough situations regardless of the fact that all, or even most, people in these same situations choose not to become victims. Reality therapy contends that while we are all products of our past, unless we choose to be so, we need not be victims of this past. And all of our counseling is to help people make the choice not to become, or continue to be, a victim.” William Glasser, M.D. “No matter what happened in the past, it is over. It certainly may have an effect on you and may have harmed your ability to learn and trust people, but the only way you can deal with a traumatic past is to move into a satisfying present. You can’t do that with drugs. This needs to be done by interacting with people who care for you and showing those same people you care for them. There is no other way. I have dealt with people who were horribly traumatized, and yet when they began to build a relationship with me and then moved on by building relationships with other people.” William Glasser, M.D.

September 5, 2004 Dear Dr. Glasser, Will you join me, assist me in any way you can to heal so that this can become a reality. I have been to many therapists, they do not help, and it does not work. I am using some of the principals of Unity church and that has helped more than any therapist the same with a recent seminar, however, you cannot live in a seminar. My significant other asked me to leave, we were doing the 7 deadly sins. He was controlling and angering, I was controlling and depressing. It got out of hand. Is there a group around me, can you do anything to assist me in getting better. Thank you for your time and anything you can do to assist me in my healing process. September 27, 2004 Dear, I read your letter. I have heard similar stories from many people. It is a terrible way to have lived your life. Now you literally have to learn how to live your life differently. What I mean by differently is living it with Choice Theory. That means getting rid of all of the deadly habits. Even if you can’t say anything, then say nothing, but don’t use complaining, criticizing, etc. Don’t use these habits with yourself either. That is what you are doing now. Using the deadly habits on yourself destroys the relationship you have with yourself. My great teacher Dr. Harrington used to say “don’t ever criticize yourself as there are plenty of other people willing to do that for you.” He was right. As far as meeting these other people, I am sure they are all wonderful people and they will help you. Just put Choice Theory to work in your life, no matter what else you do that you may think is valuable. Every time you don’t feel well, you’re upset, angry or distressed, ask yourself if you have been using

Choice Theory in this situation to the extent that you can. You will find out that when you are upset, you have not. Choice Theory is the theory of getting along well with each other and with ourselves. The book, Warning, Psychiatry Can be Hazardous to Your Mental Health, goes over and over it. It is about improving your own mental health. There is such a thing as mental health. You are not mentally ill, but as you describe yourself, you are a long way from mental health. So, move yourself in that direction through using Choice Theory. Do this for six months and write me again and let me know what you have accomplished. I would be very interested to hear back from you. Cordially- William Glasser, M.D. “I can’t practice medicine by mail but I can suggest how you can use “Warning Psychiatry can be Hazardous to Your Mental Health.” As you have already learned, using the book is not therapy; it is learning how to put Choice Theory to work in your life. The strength of my approach, which is learning to use Choice Theory in your life, is that it can be learned from the book and is even more effective if someone does it with you.” William Glasser, M.D. August 7, 2006 Dear Dr. Glasser, My doctor has asked me to tell you my story. I have briefly stated how wonderfully your Choice Theory has affected my life. Although I was skeptical at first, your books have inspired me, along with my doctor’s unwavering support. I have progressed to a level of life I thought I had lost. I’ve had the privilege of hearing you speak when you were in Tampa 2 yrs. ago for the Florida Adlerian Society conference. Thank you. This is my success story.

Since beginning my work with my doctor and the formation of our Choice Theory Educational Group, I have progressed in all areas of my life. Perhaps the most significant change is that I no longer have daily pain and my physical symptoms have been drastically reduced. Prior to this I suffered from daily migraine headaches and eventually was diagnosed with clinical depression at age 31. This diagnosis remained for 23yrs., until recently. I was, of course prescribed every medication available for migraine pain and depression over that period. I did my best to raise a daughter and be a wife. After 18 yrs, my husband left, and within 2 years, so did my daughter. Needless to say, I was in the worst physical and emotional condition ever. I gained 200 lbs. I had not left my house for 2 years and needed constant help to perform normal daily routines. I had not stepped into a social situation, i.e. going to restaurants, parties and other gatherings, for 4 yrs. Since participating in the Choice Theory Educational Group I have relocated my home and I now socialize relatively frequently. I am able to function daily, by going to the store, visiting and caring for my grandchildren, etc. I also travel several times a year to visit family in NJ. My most recent “big step” was joining two online dating services and going on my first date. I’m still a work in progress … I have shared my story with you so that you are able to appreciate the fact, as am I, that I am successfully taking an active part in the Choice Theory Focus Group. We, the Group, use your text WARNING: PSYCHOLOGY CAN BE HAZARDOUS TO YOUR MENTAL HEALTH, and are in fact studying it for the second time. The Group is still finding new and relevant points of interest to discuss at length as we progress. The book is still providing us with many levels of discussions and we are enjoying it thoroughly. It provides for many a spirited discussion. At the same time, we are enjoying Choice Theory, as well as FIBROMYALGIA and GETTING TOGETHER AND STAYING TOGETHER. Thank you for that “food for thought” and the many other points of inspiration.

Respectfully, September 18, 2006 Dear: I appreciated your sending me your client’s letter. It is certainly an unusual letter in that she went from so far down to so far up, but that is what Choice Theory can do for you. But it also has to do with the fact that you formed the group and are leading the group so successfully and encouraging the people to get help by reading my books. That is much better than just giving them the book and telling them to use it themselves. You are there with them, so you have built the relationships. Please give her my appreciation. I hear from many people who have used my ideas, but I never get tired of hearing from them and I very much enjoyed reading her letter. Cordially- Bill Glasser, M.D. “You are exactly what these people need. One of the ways you stop trying to destroy your own life is to reach out and help others; and reaching out and helping others with Choice Theory, as far as I am concerned, is one of the best ways to do it. If you have gotten the book, read it and keep reading it. The book can be read several times, shared with anyone you are trying to help. I keep talking about the fact we can only control our own behavior. If other people try to control us, we should move away from them. If we try to control them, we should stop. The deadly habits and the caring habits are very important. Get rid of the deadlies and replace them with the caring. Basically, replacing external control in your life with Choice Theory is the key to the whole thing.” William Glasser, M.D.

Dear Dr. Glasser, Recently I read your book on Fibromyalgia and I agree that you offer a different perspective on it. Yours is a helpful perspective that I hope will begin a different exploration into this health problem that afflicts so many. I too have come to know that fibromyalgia has to do with choices. I was diagnosed with significant fibromyalgia over 10 years ago. I had the usual array of frustrations with diagnoses and medications and general medical advice. As the typical sufferer, a white, well- educated, middle income female, I have observed and put together my own explanations of this syndrome. I do not think I have ever read a better description of the psychological angst of the Fibromyalgia sufferer than you gave of Ellen. Here is a woman who, as I recall, had been left by her husband for a younger woman. She had overwhelmingly serious emotional burdens and no love or reliable support to sustain her as she addressed them. This was more that her genetic makeup could withstand. Hence, her health began to take a hit. You are on track when you remind us of the power and responsibility of making choices and that our pain can be a result of our choices. Yet I cannot quite agree with some of your conclusions. After you superbly recount Ellen’s predicament you address her situation by explaining that she will overcome should she start making different choices. It is true for all of us that we are subject to the consequences of our own choices. Some benefit us and others cost us. We truly make our own beds so to speak. So it is with Ellen. Realistically it is important to note that we often have to make choices without the full benefit of wisdom that comes with years of experience. Therefore, to “blame” “fibre” sufferers for their pain by saying that it results from their choices seems a bit harsh and overly logical or moot, not reflecting the human condition. Thank you for your wisdom and for the sense of hope you have offered me. February 28, 2005

Dear: There is no doubt that you read Fibromyalgia. These ideas are really all I can offer, whether you like the idea of changing your choices or not. Life is filled with overwhelming things. There is a lot in life that isn’t satisfying, but I think the major problem in life is unhappiness. The unhappiness that you and I deal with is not the unhappiness of poverty, serious illness or living under tyranny. It is the unhappiness of not making the kind of relationships we want. These relationships as I explained, are in our quality world, but not in our life. The reason I didn’t write about how other people treat us is because we can’t do anything about how other people treat us. The only person we can control is ourself. What you do, how you react, what you say and the expression on your face are all things you have control over. What other people do is under their control. If you don’t like how they treat you, there is nothing you can do to change them. It may be that the cause of your fibromyalgia is due in part by your attempt to change someone else. But even more, it is trying to change yourself perhaps not accepting the person you are, but asking more of yourself, which is beyond what you can do as you wrote in your letter. Learning to take care of ourselves as we try to relate to others is what the book is all about. Sue, the woman I wrote about in the book, was extremely unhappy. Now she is really getting along quite well with everyone in her family even with some very difficult problems. But she is demanding less of herself. Perhaps you can keep reading the book and keep thinking about it. You might also want to get a hold of a little booklet I wrote called, Treating Mental Health as a Public Health Problem. Any time you look at your problems through the medical model, you are not going to get the kind of help you need. That is in the booklet. Cordially- Dr. Glasser

March 2, 2005 Dear Dr. Glasser, What a pleasant surprise to receive your response. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to share my reactions to your book and my experiences with fibromyalgia with you. I appreciate your personal concern and additional advice. I do ask more of myself than I should and I have learned that I too have the right to say enough is enough. That has been a turning point for me and given me a sense of myself that I am still discovering. I find that it is rather nice to be a person much more in my own right. I think you have identified a significant factor in the roots of fibromyalgia. Fibromyalgia stems from emotional isolation that can be generated in many ways, through relationships that were once healthy and have gone adrift or as in my case through emotional abuse or abandonment. Emotional isolation is the key factor to be addressed to begin healing and as you indicate, we have to make choices that bridge the emotional gaps and in my case end the emotional abuse. Thank you again for your thoughtful consideration. Sincerely, March 18, 2005 Dear: Thank you for writing. I think you are on your way to recovery. Fibromyalgia is all about how your brain deals with unhappiness. Who knows what the brain will come up with? In your case, it is pain, but it could be a lot worse. Keep moving in the direction of creating very good relationships with other people, but don’t forget yourself. Cordially- Dr. Glasser “To paraphrase an old comedian who said “I’ve been rich and I’ve

been poor, and believe me, rich is better.” I’ll say “I’ve been happy and I’ve been sad, and believe me, happy is better.” As you read in my book, Warning, Psychiatry Can be Hazardous to Your Mental Health, I believe that happiness improves our mental health. But happiness can’t be gained until we get along well with the important people in our lives and when we do that, I think we have a much better chance to have a good working immune system and longer and more effective life.” William Glasser, M.D. August 24, 1998 Dear Dr. Glasser, Have you or anyone you have at your Institute applied your theories (Reality, Control, Choice) to frail elderly in situations requiring care from others on a long term basis (home health, assisted living and nursing facilities)? I am a Social Worker who has consulted in nursing facilities for 20 years(see attached resume). I attended one of those huge workshops you presented about Control Theory in Louisville, KY. Since that time, I use your concepts in my work and professional in-services/workshops. Frequently, I quote “behavior is the constant attempt to reduce the difference between what we want and what we have” in training staffs that old people are not automatically going to exhibit abnormal behavior because there is no reason. My expertise is taking regulatory and professional theory to develop into models to be adopted by front line, busy, interdisciplinary workers in nursing facilities. I am to complete a doctoral project which is to be “a demonstration of praxis”. I was working at a brisk clip on a training manual for nursing facility staffs to hone their interaction skills-to “connect” with residents. The manual has concise, meaty rationale and then tools (narrative and forms) for assessment/interventions for restorative care of psychosocial well-being. The direction I was going was that frail elderly have functional needs and need assistance to meet their needs. Staff are the connection between functional

limitations and well-being (physical, mental, psychosocial). Then, I started in your new Choice Theory. The information is both affirming and enlightening for me. This is all so applicable. It helped me with a missing piece, that resident decision about their relationships in a closed environment. The decision about the relationships with staff bringing happiness or leading to withdrawal/acting out. Nursing facility staff (caregivers of frail elderly) are very much in control of the quality of the environment which helps residents choose connections or forsake them as of no value. How staff interacts with residents is crucial to well-being. The title changed from Making Connections to Choosing Connections. Thank you for your time. Sincerely Yours, September 21, 1998 Dear: I appreciate your letter and the fact that you are involved with Choice Theory. I once worked with a 92-year-old man who was almost completely semiconscious and moribund when I got him, but I just stayed with him when he could be awake and built the relationship. Inside of a short period of time he was out, well dressed, and getting around in the world, which he continued as long as I kept going with him. Other people weren’t willing to make this effort but I was, and it really shows the strength of relationships. People who are lonely often choose to depress. Their immune system works badly and their whole body works badly. The physiology of choosing to depress is a very unhealthy physiology. When we go into these homes for elderly people, it’s very, very hard to break out of that “we’ll take care of you physically, do the best you can mentally” mode. I encourage you to explain Choice Theory and to show your staff that just a little change can make a big difference in their patients’ lives. You might look up in the library a play that was on Broadway called, “The Silver

Whistle.” It shows exactly what I’m talking about in an old folks home so beautifully that it doesn’t really need any explanation. Get a copy of that play and read it. You’ll find it to be very confirming about what we both believe. Cordially- William Glasser, M.D. * “We can’t change the world we live in. We can only change ourselves. That’s why I’m emphasizing how important Choice Theory is. The more everyone reaches out and relates to people in ways that get us closer to them, especially parents or teachers, then these people develop quality worlds that lead them to good experiences with people. They have faith in people, they trust people, and learn that their whole lives are tied up with people if they really want to feel good without the pseudo feelings associated with violence, drugs and unloving sex. This is why a quality school is so important; this is also what is so exciting about a community thinking about moving toward a quality community. It doesn’t matter where technology takes us or how many T.V. programs or movies there are if we can maintain our closeness to others. Then if we’re lucky enough to have media which show closeness to others - the movie “Secrets and Lies” was especially good at showing this - we have a chance to use the media constructively. Unfortunately, the media panders to people who have no people in their quality world. That’s why it’s filled with violence, unloving sex and drugs. It’s a huge problem. I try to address it throughout my whole book and I think I’ve somewhat succeeded, but it’s not whether I’ve succeeded or not. It’s how people who read the book, like you, can help me and each other to think about how we can choose to behave in a way that brings us closer.” William Glasser, M.D. * To clarify- according to Choice Theory - the only person’s

behavior we can change is our own. Similarly, we cannot “change” the world we live in. By making changes in our interactions with the world and others- ultimately change will occur. June 20, 1999 Dear Dr. Glasser, I had the opportunity to hear you speak at Governor’s State University in University Park, Illinois last Friday evening. Your text dealt with using the Choice Theory as an alternative to external control. As my wife and I were half way home the question arose about. What if your subject selected to make the incorrect choice or decision when presented with this option of Choice Theory? Is there a means of correction? I would appreciate your response to this situation. Sincerely, July 2, 1999 Dear: If I understand your question, which is what if people choose not to select Choice Theory as an option? What do you do then? Well, the one thing you don’t do is use external control to enforce Choice Theory. That would be a complete contradiction in terms. All you can do is try to improve the relationship between you and that person. This doesn’t mean that if there are rules or regulations that have to be enforced, such as lawbreaking or classroom disruption, that you don’t use external control. However, you use it as humanely as possible and try to explain that you’re doing this not because it’s the best thing to do, but because it’s the only legal or legitimate option available. Explain that you would much rather work with the person on the basis of Choice Theory so that we didn’t have to do these things. If they don’t accept your option, explain that it leaves you no choice but to go with the way of the world, which you believe will be harmful to the relationship, so you’d rather not do it.

Something like this is about all you can do. We live in an external control world. Littleton, Colorado is the product of external control. It’s not going to immediately change to Choice Theory, but every person who begins to use or explain Choice Theory can help. There really isn’t any other option that I can see. Sincerely- William Glasser, M.D. “Your question is almost like saying, “how can we change as long as we stay the same?” William Glasser, M.D. April 19, 2004 Dr. Glasser, I attended your Pueblo, CO workshop last weekend and found your view concerning schizophrenia engaging. My brother was diagnosed schizophrenic 20 years ago and lives in a “home” in Santa Cruz, CA. (He controls his behavior when he has the opportunity to camp with the local Sierra Club and struggles at other times.) What could/should my family do to help him and does the institute have published materials which would help my family understand your perspective better? Thank you. April 19, 2004 Dear: As you may remember from my workshop, I believe that the basic problem with human beings is unhappiness. I believe people are unhappy because they are not getting along as well they would like with the important people in their lives. I also believe that the major reason for this is that they are either the victim of external control, where someone else is using it on them, or they have been unsuccessful in controlling others using the same psychology.

From your letter, it seems that when your brother goes to camp with the local Sierra Club, he seems to be relatively sane. There must be something in what he is doing or the relationships he makes there that gives him the sense that he is wanted, safe, and is engaged with something worthwhile. All I can say is that your family should read the book, Warning, Psychiatry Can be Hazardous to Your Mental Health, over and over again. In this book I describe what I believe the problem is, as I have stated here. I explain how family members should perhaps reduce their expectations. When the family contacts your brother or he contacts them, enjoy the contact but make no mention of what he should do in his life that would be stopping his own symptoms, which evidently he can stop at times when he is with the Sierra Club on an outing. My own belief is that your brother needs some sort of a companion. Maybe he has one at the home in Santa Cruz or maybe someone could come in from the outside. I would suggest this person probably not be a family member, because family members can’t help but have expectations of him that he remain sane all the time and therefore, they tend to use external control by just sending the message “we want you to change.” That is the message he is resisting with his schizophrenic behavior. As you know, I don’t believe he is mentally ill. There can be nothing wrong with the brain of someone who can choose to be sane sometimes and not others. Beyond this, there is nothing more I can say. There is no predictability. All I know is that many people do recover from schizophrenia if they are treated in this non-expectant and very accepting way. There are references to this in the book I mentioned above. Thank you for your inquiry. I hope this information is helpful to you. Cordially- William Glasser, M.D. “The present goal is that mental health is certainly attainable and can be learned. I believe I am the only psychiatrist in the world who focuses on mental health to the exclusion of mental illness.”

William Glasser, M.D. “What is called knowledge in our field has become severely distorted by the fact that we spend far too much time and effort working with and studying people who have made bad choices usually in difficult situations. We do not deal with or study the large groups of people (usually much larger than the ones we study), who have been in equally difficult situations but who did not choose to be victims. They acted responsibly in very tough situations.”

William Glasser, M.D. June 9, 1999 Dear Bill: Over the last few days one of our current residents, a 14 year old young woman, has begun to talk in language that fits exactly with my understanding of Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID). I would like to run some ideas past you and would appreciate your comments on them. This is not the first time that we have dealt with young women who have displayed similar coping behaviors. Given the nature of this treatment program it will certainly not be the last. Because of that, I want to become much more intentional about addressing it in our staff training. I think we are quite consistent with Choice Theory when we try to explain this phenomenon in terms of a creative behavior that she has developed to cope with her experience. That is also consistent with other current literature and thinking about the behavior of survivors. She has disclosed horrendous abuse at the hands of at least two parent figures in her life. In the safe caring environment that this young woman is now experiencing the selecting still goes on, even when it is not necessary for her wellbeing. The inconsistency in her behavior patterns (personality) becomes very obvious to caregivers. In the feedback that we provide she is also becoming aware (totally) of what she is feeling and doing.

I have discussed this in some of the intensive week training as a possible understanding of DID. I have been asked specifically about it as well as other “mental illnesses. I would certainly appreciate your comments on these thoughts and any further insights that you might have on this specific behavior. Sincerely, July 1, 1999 Dear: If you remember in “Control Theory in the Practice of Reality Therapy” that Naomi edited, one of the cases was from a girl in Newfoundland who was extremely abused by her mother, father and seven brothers and she was found disassociating in school. It was through her disassociation that they finally got the situation under control. I’m sure that when we’re in a terrible situation is when our creative system begins to take over and it’s certainly going to provide us with this creative response. There’s no doubt about that in my mind at all. As far as the rest of your theory goes, in terms of the filters, I’d have to think a lot about that; we’d have to talk about it. But, whenever we can’t find a behavior that satisfies our needs, which means satisfying pictures in our Quality World, then we’re going to create something, whatever it may be. In her case, what she’s created is seen as disassociation is to her, a realistic way to try and deal with this thing, even if it doesn’t make much sense to keep continuing it in a safe environment. It will take a long time before this girl can build some sort of a Quality World that she can live with and I think the real problem is she has nothing to fall back on in her Quality World. Gradually, she’ll begin to fall back on you, your staff, and your institution, and build a new Quality World based on that. That is what the girls at our Ventura School did almost all the time. I don’t think these are mental illnesses. I think mental illness is only when something is physically or organically wrong with the brain. This is a coping mechanism and it’s no different from psychosis; in fact, it could be

considered a kind of psychosis in that it is a disassociation from reality as we see it. However, we see reality as a possible, tolerable reality, as you state. This girl sees reality as not being able to offer her very much. I think your treatments should continue, and you should especially continue in terms of people trying to make a warm caring relationship with her, but I also think you ought to talk to her about it and tell her “It’s okay. Don’t be frightened by it. These are thoughts coming from your own brain that are trying in some way to help you. They may be seemingly hard to deal with and you wonder where they come from but it’s kind of like dreams. You can’t control your dreams and what you’re really doing in a certain sense is dreaming while you’re awake. Creative people have done this throughout history and you’re just a creative person. You’re creativity is just coming out in a different way.” Well, that’s all I have time to speculate on, but I think it is interesting. Like I said, get in touch as much with her as you can and tell her, “It’s okay. It’s not a terrible thing to do. We accept it here and when you find you’re more comfortable with us, you’ll probably stop doing it.” Cordially- Bill

January 21, 2005 Dear Dr. Glasser, I am just hoping you will be kind enough to give me your opinion on a serious problem of stuttering. I read a few of your precious books such as “Choice Theory” and “Reality Therapy.” I contacted your Institute and I did not get any proper answer to my question: I want to know of any sure approach to cure stuttering in adults. Dr Glasser, after having read those books and searching on the internet about Reality Therapy, I came to the conclusion the best way is to approach you personally. I am looking forward to hear about your wise answer.

Sincerely, February 25, 2005 Dear: Years ago, I did get a letter like yours from a woman who stuttered. I suggested something that worked marvelously well with her, I don’t know if it will work for you, but you can try it. I suggested that when she has to talk to people and when she knows that she will stutter, that she will tell them that she is a person who stutters. If she feels that they are supportive and won’t look down on her, she will get the message that they accept her and will be patient. People are usually very receptive to this. That is what I suggested then and that is what I would still suggest. I would be interested in what happens if you try this for yourself or someone else (you didn’t mention who stuttered). Feel free to e-mail me. For the person who stutters, it is a good way to get to know people. Best- William Glasser, M.D. “I strongly advise you to go see the movie Shine. In this movie, you will see a prominent piano player who chooses to become crazy when he couldn’t stand the life he was leading. Your son is not in that position, but here is a man who was in much worse shape than your son who had a very terrible life situation and yet was brought back to sanity through the care of a person who unconditionally loved him.” William Glasser, M.D.

2. CLARIFYING CHOICE THEORY “In answer to your question “if there is no such thing as mental illness, how can mental health exist?” Well, as I explain in my books, you will find that I believe there is a continuum. There is such a thing as real mental illness in that there is some pathology in the brain such as in Alzheimer’s disease, epilepsy and illnesses of this nature. I also believe that there is such a thing as not being as mentally healthy as we would like to be or less than mentally healthy, which many people are. This is because these people don’t get along with the important people in their life to the extent that they would like to. There are also people who are mentally healthy. These people get along very well with all of the important people in their lives.” William Glasser, M.D.

December 1, 1998 Dear Dr. Glasser, I’ve just finished reading Reality Therapy and Choice Theory and, frankly, they were very helpful— especially RT. But I was very surprised to read this article connected to CT. It really is not a very positive viewpoint of mental illness and the stigma attached to it. Maybe I’m reading this wrong, but this generalizes and certainly assumes that people become schizophrenic by choice and their environment is to blame because they weren’t loved as children. Please correct me. This is disturbing to me and to others. I hate to see mental illness always mentioned in the negative articles. Also, I’m confused when you say schizophrenia can’t be determined—blood level testing can determine chemical imbalances as in the case for orthomolecular healing. I would love a response, so I can share this with a group of persons coping with family members who are diagnosed with bipolar/schizo-affective diseases; also schizophrenia. Thank you –

January 11, 1999 Dear: I appreciate your E-mail and your concern about reality therapy and Choice Theory and the fact that I say that people choose mental illness. It seems to me that it is a very positive point. If we choose to do it, then we can choose not to do it. This is what I describe in all of my books, especially in Reality Therapy. But if it is caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain, then there is really nothing we can do about it. So, if you’ll read my book carefully, you’ll see that it is a very hopeful book. Anytime you make a bad choice, you can make a better one. Anytime something is wrong with your brain, like Alzheimer’s disease, you can choose until the cows come home and still, you’ll have the Alzheimer’s disease. I only believe in mental illness when there is something obviously, physically wrong with the brain. If you’ll read Chapter Four carefully, the brain reflects the physiology of the total behavior you are choosing. You have to read that carefully. It is new stuff. The physiology is involved with the choice. The physiology doesn’t cause the choice, but is part of the choice of the four-part total behavior. Read chapters One, Two, Three, Four and Seven very carefully and you’ll find that this is perhaps the most hopeful psychology that has come along in a long time. It is terrible to be a victim of something actually wrong with your brain. What could you do about that? I could take any so-called schizophrenic person and work with that person and in a reasonably short time, have that person talking and behaving quite sanely. Now, that’s with me and whether he or she can continue to do it in other circumstances that I can’t guarantee. But, if they can do it with me, then it is a choice. They are choosing to be sane with me. I don’t think that most psychotic people could be insane with a good counselor like me and many others I’ve known, for more than two or three sessions. They would give it up at least to be sane with us. Sanity is not beyond their capacity. It is well within their choice. You may not believe it, but certainly I make a marvelous argument for it in the chapters I’ve previously mentioned. Read them all and read them carefully. Cordially- William Glasser, M.D.

“I don’t claim that people can control their feelings. I claim they can control their total behavior of which, acting and thinking are most important. Feelings and physiology are not the parts they can control and that is the concept of total behavior.” William Glasser, M.D.

July 2, 2004 Dear: I read your response to my article to be published in the Family Journal. I very much appreciate what you said. I think, however, that you may accuse me a little of overstating my case. My major case is to get rid of the medical model, the idea that there is pathology in the brain, that psychiatric drugs can cure that pathology, and that counseling is relatively unimportant. I think you pretty much agree with me. As far as I am concerned, I offer Choice Theory and Counseling with Choice Theory, The New Reality Therapy. I offer it to counselors and everyone else. But it is only an offer. I don’t suggest that the whole profession of counseling embrace my Choice Theory or Counseling with Choice Theory. I suggest they take a look at it and if it works, they use it. I also suggest that they get training in these concepts if they feel they need training. But, I don’t suggest to you that you must completely take on the concept of Choice Theory. That would be too much for me to ask and I certainly wouldn’t even have the nerve to ask it. I would also like to say one other thing. In your experience the relationship between the therapist and the client is very important and the type of counseling only plays 15%. I think that research was done before Choice Theory and Counseling with Choice Theory was as widely disseminated as it is now. I believe there is a high intrinsic value to putting Choice Theory to work in your own life. This means that the counselor would use the theory himself or herself to improve his or her own mental health. They would then help clients to put the theory to work in their lives. I believe I certainly made that point, but that is all. I am not trying to put any

pressure on the American Counseling Association or any other organization to accept my ideas. All I ask them to do, as you have done, and I appreciate it very much, is to say that my ideas have value. I’m fighting to get rid of the medical model itself and accept that relationships, counseling, and perhaps even a theory (such as Choice Theory) can help people improve their mental health and be a valuable addition to the counseling armamentarium. Thanks for your work. I am just trying to get my voice heard especially in the mental health/mental illness argument. Best- Bill Glasser, M.D.

“Science is filled with people discovering two things going on at the same time and then linking them as one causing the other. For a long time Malaria was thought to be a disease caused by bad air coming in at night, so people began keeping their windows tightly closed. Of course, the mosquitoes were excluded by doing this and so people thought they had really found something. This happens much more often in psychiatry than perhaps in any other branch of the medical profession. I do not say that you choose the pain and misery of depressing, but that you are choosing to depress. This is very carefully written in Chapter Four of Choice Theory. Depressing is better than what you might be doing if you weren’t depressing. Read that chapter again carefully. I say that the only two things we can choose are acting and thinking. They are inseparably involved with feeling and physiology, so if I choose to act and think in a certain way, like perhaps choosing to skip dinner, then I’m going to feel very hungry. You’re not choosing to depress. You are choosing to act and think in a way that hasn’t really involved your mind or your social life. There is something frustrating in your basic needs and you need to figure out what that is and deal with it. If not, you’ll choose the acting and thinking that is associated with depressing and there is where you are.

Read the book very carefully, particularly the first six or seven chapters. Those chapters contain the theory. Then, take a look at the cases in Chapters 8 and 9. I think you’ll begin to see what I’m driving at. This material has many levels and you’ve got to get it at the bottom level.” William Glasser, M.D. March 14, 1995 Dr. William Glasser, I have recently read The Quality School: Managing Students without Coercion, The Quality School Teacher. The Quality School Curriculum and have listened to an interview conducted by Charles Harris in which you discuss the basic principles of reality therapy. I have found them to be very useful in formulating my philosophy of education and also for giving me a vision for how I would like my classroom to be managed. Currently, I am working on a master’s degree in education and have been reading your writings for a research paper on educational philosophy. You would help me immensely if you could find the time to share your thoughts on a few additional areas: 1)

Do you believe human beings are only material in nature or do you believe we are both spiritual and material beings?

2)

Do you believe religion plays a part in developing our identities (love and worth)? If so, do you believe religion ought to be taught in the schools? 3) You do not seem to have much faith in today’s families. Who do you believe has the primary responsibility for the education of children? The family, state, or local school? Thank you. April 4, 1995

Dear: I appreciate your letter and I’ll try and answer your questions. I don’t really think much about whether we are material or spiritual beings. I think we are whole human beings with brains and belief systems. We all struggle our best to do what we can to make the world a better place. Some of us do a lot better job of this than others. In terms of religion playing a part in developing our identities - absolutely! For those who believe in religion, religion is a part of our quality world which is the core of our lives. People seem to focus too strongly on the needs. The needs are the basis for the quality world, but the quality world is our real /life. We don’t struggle for love, we struggle for specific people to love or specific ideas to believe in that become a part of our quality world. I have a great deal of faith in today’s families. I just think they need a lot more information and a lot more support. I certainly believe that the primary responsibility for the education of children, in terms of the things that have to do with the family, such as religion, sexuality, right and wrong and all of these things are the responsibility of the family. I don’t believe schools should get involved in the teaching of religion. Religion is a very specific thing. The Catholics and the Protestants of Ireland, both believing in the same basic God, have killed each other for many years because of specific religious differences that have nothing to do with their basic belief in the same God. Therefore, when we talk about religion, we talk about a bunch of very specific beliefs. That is why this is up to the family or individual to handle and not the school, unless we adapt a state sponsored religion that we would all have to adhere to when there is nothing in our Constitution that even remotely suggests that this is the thing for Americans to do. Schools should stick to education; the education of the body as in physical education, education of the mind in the classrooms, and education in things like sports, music, drama, school newspapers, student council - the extracurricular parts of education that teaches students to lead productive lives, but are not governed by any specific set of beliefs that people would argue about.

Cordially- William Glasser, M.D. August 13, 1997 Dr. Glasser, In some of the more esoteric reading I’ve done over the years, I came across a quote from some guru or other who suggested that planet earth is the lunatic asylum of the cosmos. I imagine that you’ve heard that one before. I find much darkly-humored comfort in this description, but I am making a concerted effort to attract people who are reasonably well balanced in their mental outlook, or who are at least making a conscious effort to improve their relationships and create more happiness for themselves. Thank you. August 30, 1997 Dear: I am not sure the earth is a lunatic asylum, but the earth is certainly the home of an awful lot of unhappy people who spend their lives trying to escape from external control and/or try to externally control other people. Both lead to unhappiness, which is the major source of the problem. Cordially- William Glasser, M.D.

December 6, 1998 Dear Dr. Glasser, I just bought Choice Theory: A New Psychology of Personal Freedom, and I have read the first two chapters and looked over the chapters about relationships and I did not see religion. I wanted your opinion on how religion effects our decisions and why some religions are more controlling

than others. How can someone who is externally controlled by their religion be happy? We have been somewhat brainwashed with our parents religion and their beliefs, this is ingrained into our thinking patterns and decisions are conflicting due to our faith and personal preferences. Can religion and Choice Theory co-exist within us? Thank you for your time and I look forward to your response. January 11, 1999 Dear: Obviously you have hit upon a very important point. What does religion have to do with Choice Theory? In an external control society, religion is very obviously one of the controlling factors, but it need not be. Certainly the words of the founders of great religions were not necessarily advocating control at all. Jesus Christ was the one who said, “Love thy neighbor as thyself,” and “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.” These words advocate personal choice and not necessarily trying to control or impose your beliefs on others. From my standpoint, religion is obviously in a person’s quality world. If you find your religion satisfying to your needs, that is, it brings you love, it brings you freedom, it brings you power, it brings you fun, it brings you survival, then that religion would be very compatible with Choice Theory. If, however, the religion seems to make it more difficult for you to satisfy your needs, you’ll never put it into your quality world. This is the way everything is and religion is no different from anything else, regardless of your belief systems, it’s yours. You chose it and you have to choose how to live with it or whatever else you want to do with it. Any attempt for people to control your thinking when you’re doing something that is perfectly legal within a country, as opposed to committing a crime, the premise of the Unites States, is we have choice and Choice Theory backs that up. I hope this helps. Cordially- William Glasser, M.D.

June 15, 1998. Dear Bill: I would like to pass on to you some information I received from the people of the Big Cove First Nations of New Brunswick Canada. The Big Cove Indian Band is the largest First Nation Community in New Brunswick with over 2100 natives. They have committed to take 24 of their community resource workers right through to Reality Therapy/Choice Theory Certification. Both groups of 12 have just completed their Advanced Week. I am writing articles for their monthly newsletters. I am working to encouraging them to become a Choice Theory First Nation. I showed them your 5 minute tape (Introduction to Intensive Weeks). As feedback for you, their comments were: - “They are not Dr. Glasser’s ideas, our people have thought this way for thousands of years.” - “He may have been the first person to write them down, but they are our ideas too.” At the end of the week, the Sun Dance Chief explained the process they use called Natural Healing. I asked him to explain again using the concepts of Choice Theory and Reality Therapy. There was a long pause and he slowly said “They are the same.” I said: “Exactly! What I have given you (CT/RT) is the explanation for why what you already use works so well.” As a wrap up to the Basic Week, I announced that we would be filling out the Institute forms. The Sun Dance Chief interrupted me and said that he was speaking both personally and as the Spiritual Leader of his people: “When I met you a month ago at the Sweat Lodge, I didn’t particularly like you. You had your our opinions and I had mine. Now I have learned the reasons for your opinions. That is why I wanted to be in this class. It is

a custom with my people that when someone does something for you that you appreciate, you give them a gift. Understand, you will never be one on us, I will never be you and you will never be me, but you have given me a better understanding of my own people and you. I have a gift for you. I would like to give you this Eagle Feather and the braid of Sweet Grass. It is my way of thanking you.” He then come over and hugged me. Needless to say I was a little taken aback by this and it took a moment to regain my composure. The school principal said “Caught you a little didn’t it?” and I had to agree. My original objective was to show that I was genuine and I guess I was able to do that. Bill. I hope you find this feedback useful. July 10, 1998 Dear: Thanks a lot for your letter. I’ve known for a long time that Native Americans are basically Choice Theory people, one of the few people in the world who are. It’s only when they get contaminated with too many white people that they maybe tend to give it up a little bit. Mostly, however, I think a lot of their problems, including drinking, is their way to resist the external control of the world, which goes against their very nature. I suppose when I say everyone in the world practices external control I should modify that to exclude the Native Americans that I’ve met and the people who have worked with me. William Glasser, M.D.

March 1, 1994 An interview with Dr. William Glasser IP:

“Dr. Glasser, how did you become interested in psychiatry?”

Dr. Glasser: “It’s hard to say, but even early in high school, I was interested in what makes people tick and began reading some

things about psychiatry. It wasn’t serious though until I finished my engineering program. I got my bachelors in chemical engineering then began to say to myself, “Is this what I want to do for the rest of my life? And the answer was no. I then turned to this early interest and pursued psychology. But, because psychology was only a second-rate science in those days, I was advised to move to psychiatry, so I’d have much more control over my own destiny. I did this, and I’ve been very pleased with it. I wish I could give you more information about how I became interested, but that’s the best I can do.” IP:

“What is your position on the use of medications, and diagnosis in psychiatry?”

Dr. Glasser: “I have never used medications, and do not particularly use diagnostic categories. As far as I am concerned people all attempt to satisfy their needs in a variety of ways. Some of these ways are very irresponsible, debilitating, and crazy. They can include sickness and other things. And these are the things people have to learn to change. But the idea of diagnostic categories really doesn’t make any sense to me. So I don’t emphasize that. As far as medications go, there are a lot of psychiatric medications. There is the new one, Prozac, which seems to be quite remarkable in many cases. Personally, I have not used any, so I have no experience with them. I have been able to treat people with good success without medication and therefore never felt any need to turn to the use of these substances.” IP:

“What are the most difficult cases for you to treat? What makes them so difficult?”

Dr. Glasser: “From the standpoint of reality therapists, I can’t predict who will be most difficult to treat and who won’t, because we don’t diagnose people and categorize the diagnoses by difficulty. I’ve treated psychotic people quite successfully and without too much difficulty. I’ve treated people who have seemed quite rational for

IP:

years and years and they never decide to change the way they behave. It really amounts to whether or not the person is willing to take responsibility for his or her own life. I never know how much I will be able to exercise that skill with any particular person. Once they take responsibility and realize that the choices they are making are irresponsible and certainly helping them satisfy their needs. Then it is whether or not I can persuade them to change and make more responsible choices. Again, I cannot predict this. In many cases I can do it quite easily, the best thing to do is to look over the book What are you doing? (Glasser, 1980) which has a lot of cases in it, and you will see that there is not a real way to call one case harder than the other. I just do not look at it that way. I do the best I can for anyone that comes or is sent to me. Sometimes, I succeed more than others, but I can’t predict who I am going to succeed with when they start.” “What do you believe would be the ideal educational program for people in the helping professions?”

Dr. Glasser: “I would be one where they have a mentor, someone whom they can really work with and talk with about their problems in learning to become a good psychotherapist. It’s a program with some theory but mainly practice and then comparing what you have found in practice with the theories that you have studied. I myself was lucky enough to have Dr. Harrington as a mentor for seven years. I worked with him both during and after my psychiatry residency, and that was invaluable for me. I can’t suggest a better way than to have a personal mentor. In our own organization we have a practicum where we have people study with a particular person after they have taken some of the basic informational training. This seems to work very well, with the practicum supervisor acting as a mentor.” IP: “What do you believe are the future trends in counseling or psychotherapy?” Dr. Glasser:

“According to our statistics there is an increasing number of

people involved in reality therapy and learning Control Theory as the basis for reality therapy. It certainly seems all we will be among the future trends. Since I don’t really follow much of what anyone else does at this time, I can’t predict what other trends there may be. Certainly there will be trend toward medication led by Prozac, and some of the other strong medications. And I think that will peak and then diminish as time goes on, but I may be wrong. Certainly medication at least seems, on the surface, to be a cheaper way to go and the country is under a lot of financial pressure to get results more quickly. If we go to a national healthcare system, again I think psychotherapy will be phased out and medication will be phased in more, and that may be the trend.” IP:

“What do you believe are the professional accomplishments you are most proud of?”

Dr. Glasser: “I think the accomplishment of discovering control theory*, and then expanding it and clarifying it and adapting it to every phase of my work. I have used it in psychotherapy, education, and have now used it in management, especially in quality management. I have a book coming out on quality management based on Control Theory in 1994. I would say Control Theory* and how it supports my original ideas is what I consider to’ me my greatest accomplishment. I am trying to teach it literally to the world. Certainly I won’t succeed at that but we are reaching many people.” IP:

“Is there anything else that you would like to say?”

Dr. Glasser: “Well, what I say is included in my books. So if you look in my books that’s what I want to say. I want to say that I am interested in schools, organizations, and management of people, in psychotherapy. And in helping people understand that if they don’t take responsibility for what they choose to do with their lives, then there isn’t really hope for them or really not much

hope for the world. We spend too much time acting as victims and blaming others. And reality therapy strongly points out that is the wrong direction to go.” ADDITIONAL QUESTIONS: 1)

“Please give a brief overview of your approach to psychotherapy.” “My approach to psychotherapy is that people are responsible for their behavior and they choose what they do. Our job is to help them understand they are making these choices. The choices they are making are based on the Control Theory* which I teach. They are attempting to satisfy their needs and really to satisfy pictures in their quality world. To understand this, you would have to read the book Control Theory in the Practice of Reality Therapy as well as the book Control Theory. My approach is that we help people to make better choices. We don’t work with their past history or with their unconscious mind. We work with the here and how because that is where we live and that is where we must satisfy our needs.”

2)

“What are the strengths of reality therapy compared to other schools of psychotherapy?” “The strengths are that it is much less complicated. It gets down to the core of the problems very quickly and people begin to feel as if they can begin to regain control of their lives. The weakness is that it is really very hard to learn to do. It is deceptively simple. It is not really simple at all.”

3)

“How did your ideas regarding reality therapy and control theory* evolve (e.g., did any other schools of psychotherapy contribute to your theoretical views?)” “I evolved my ideas as I practiced and evaluated what I did with my clients; what seemed to work and what seemed not to work. They were strongly influenced by a psychiatrist named G. L. Harrington (who has now passed away) who was one of my teachers at the UCLA

Department of Psychiatry and continued to teach me for seven years after I finished from 1957 until 1964. Other schools of psychotherapy did not particularly influence my theoretical views and reality therapy still stands as quite separate from most of the other schools, except perhaps Albert Ellis’s Rational Emotive Therapy. But whatever his theory is, it is certainly different from mine. He doesn’t use Control Theory*.” 4)

“Your approach to psychotherapy appears to place very little emphasis on the past. What is your rationale for this position? “I don’t really think the past is very important. What happened is done and people have to satisfy their needs now. To give you a simple example; if you missed a meal last week, you can talk about it forever but there is no way you can eat it. If you were abused last week, you can talk about it forever, but there is no way you can overcome the abuse. What the abuse has caused is that you don’t have the behaviors to satisfy your needs now. This has to be done in the present. Our job is to take people out of the past, orient them in the present as much as we can, and possibly persuade them to do this and point them toward the future. Focusing on the past is counterproductive. It gives people an excuse to stay where they are and is very harmful. Much psychotherapy which focuses on the past does harm … not good.”

5)

“How does reality therapy work cross-culturally?” “Reality therapy works fine cross-culturally. We are one of the few organizations that has a wide group of cultures represented among our staff and in our training. The basic needs are biological. They have nothing to do with culture. Culture is how we satisfy them and a good reality therapist can easily adapt the basic needs to the culture the people are living in. So, it has no cross-cultural problems.”

William Glasser, M.D.

September 30, 2006

Dear Dr. Glasser, Many years ago I was one of many youth counselors who were taught to use the methodology of Reality Therapy with our youth. These young men and women were placed in a therapeutic, mandated wilderness program for unspecified durations until their behaviors were under control. It seems to be then based on actions and reactions, regards what the kids did … we encouraged them to accept the consequences of their actions. Hence negative actions resulted in negative consequences; thereby through reasons if you decrease your negative behaviors you also in turn create positive rewards. Of course, it also involved more in depth rationale when dealing with other issues of family abuse etc. However, now with the Choice Theory, the basic concept of meeting the individuals need through thought and physical actions seems so watered down and over simplified … I question it effectiveness to address hard core issues. Please address this question of efficacy for me using Choice Therapy. How beneficial is it over a time period? Thank you, October 19, 2006 Dear: If you think that Choice Theory has been over simplified then I guess we might not be teaching it as well as we can. I think Choice Theory is something you start learning and continue to improve it, share it, modify it and keep it in your mind all of your life. I think you can teach children the basics of it and even schools can run on the basics of Choice Theory and run well. I am now into the concept of public mental health, which I think is almost an artistic form of living with other people. I recently heard a great architect named Frank Gehry explain that when he finishes a building and then people ask him how he knows when the building is finished, he says that he never knows when the building is finished. As far as he is concerned it is never finished, but always a work in progress. I feel the same way about Choice Theory. It is a work in progress. It has a lot to say and it can help a lot of people, but to say it is a “finished” idea is not correct. It is a “starting” idea. But it is a good start compared to external control

psychology that is being used all over the world. Recently someone wrote to me and asked if external control is sometimes necessary and I said that, yes, there probably are some situations where it is necessary, but if you use it too much, then you take the chance of leading people in the wrong direction. In my own life, I never use external control if I can avoid it. It doesn’t mean that I never use it. If I do, I say to myself “how could I have done better in this situation?” This is especially important in relationships. Thank you for your comments. Cordially- Dr. Glasser

“The word Choice Theory is a trademark because I think eventually this word is going to be widely used. I want to have some control over it or people are going to come up with all kinds of things and say it is Choice Theory. I, at least, want to be able to defend myself. That is all.” William Glasser, M.D.

November 2, 2000 Dr. Glasser, I would be interested to hear your opinion on the diagnosis of young children (as young as 2 and 3 years old) who are being diagnosed with bipolar disorder. If they do not have some sort of chemical imbalance, what do you think explains their behavior? Thank you, November 8, 2000 Dear:

I think little children can be as unhappy as grown adults and when anyone is unhappy, according to my latest Choice Theory thinking, they can choose any behavior that’s possible to be chosen. There is no limit and certainly children can choose to go up and down just like adults. I don’t think it is a chemical imbalance; I think it is one of the choices we make, even little children make, when they are disconnected or when they don’t have the kind of relationships in their lives that they want. If you read the book “Choice Theory,” all the information is in it. The fact that the children are small makes no difference to me. If they are old enough to want relationships, they are old enough to come up with a choice similar to bipolar disorder to try and deal with the fact that they don’t have the relationships they need. The last thing they need is strong psychiatric drugs. The first thing they need is loving attention and someone to help them attempt to satisfy their needs. There is a diagnostic category called marasmus. This is categorized as little children who choose to depress when they are lonely and unattended to and it becomes fatal. It is a psychological condition that was diagnosed during World War II. It was thought to be fatal but all the children (infants particularly) needed was 15 or 20 minutes worth of attention from an adult twice a day. If a three- or four-month-old baby can depress and die, then certainly a two-year-old can choose to be bipolar. In both cases it is their lack of ability to satisfy their need to love and belong. It is a lack of significant relationships or what I now call disconnection that is the problem. You can certainly find others who believe differently, but the proof of the pudding would be when people really spend hands-on time with these children, hugging and holding them, which is what little children need, then see if they continue to behave in bipolar ways. The main thing is not to use what I call external control psychology. That leads to disconnection at any age. Read “Choice Theory.” That’s the book that you really need to read. I hope this helps. Cordially- Dr. Glasser

June 17, 1998

Dr. Glasser, A friend who is participating in Dr. Glasser’s Choice Therapy training and I have reached an impasse over the practice of behavior modification. She says that he has never been associated with behavior mod. I say he has. Will you resolve this senseless debate for me and tell me Dr. Glasser’s association with behavior modification. Thank you for your help. July 11, 1998 Dear: As far as behavior modification goes, from the very beginning, I’ve never supported this. I’ve been involved with places where they use it, but I have tried to teach them a better way. The book, Choice Theory, is the direct antithesis of behavior modification, because it says no matter how much external pressure is put upon us, if we’re willing to suffer the consequences of that pressure, no one can force us to do anything that we don’t want to do. On the other hand, if people put pressure on us and we can’t suffer the consequences, then we do, under pressure and force, do what they want us to do. Invariably, it will break the relationship between us and them and the relationships, and the keeping, maintaining and improving of them is what Choice Theory is all about. Behavior modification will always be destructive to the relationship, depending on how hard it is used and how long it is used. It’s another one of the plagues of external control on our society. Cordially- William Glasser, M.D.

April 27, 2005 Dear, I just got around to your e-mail, so I don’t believe I’m answering in time for your presentation. But I can briefly answer some of your questions and you might want to share this with interested people.

What are the reasons that made you switch to study psychology and psychiatry from being a chemical engineer? I switched to psychology because I found that after becoming an engineer, I was more interested in working people rather than chemicals. It is really just that simple. I have been very happy ever since I made the switch, I’ve been working with people for 50 years and have developed a lot of psychological ideas and on the whole, my career in psychology/psychiatry has been very satisfying. Why did you reject the Freudian model? I rejected the Freudian model because it didn’t seem necessary to me. I found out early in my career, even working with people who were called schizophrenic, that counseling with them was very effective. We discharged many people, even in the early days when I was learning. I’ve never found the need to go into a person’s past or to focus on the symptom itself. Reality therapy is a here and now therapy. People’s problems are always now and they are always because of an unhappy relationship in their life. Understanding this leads counselors to focus on the unhappy relationship and presently I do that by using the new reality therapy. I demonstrated this in my book Counseling with Choice Theory: the New Reality Therapy. Choice Theory is basically the theory, which leads us to becoming mentally healthier. This is very much a part of everything I do. I would also suggest you read Choice Theory and even the eight other books that have all been written since 1998. We now also have a new booklet available. It is called * Treating Mental Health as a Public Health Problem. You will find it to be very interesting and you might like to share it with the people you are studying with. All of you other questions are answered in the book, Counseling with Choice Theory. I think you will find that book very easy to read. I hope this helps you. Cordially- Dr. Glaser

* Now entitled Defining Mental Health as a Public Health Issue.

“It’s hard to be a psychiatrist, a psychologist, or a counselor but it’s fun, it’s challenging, and it’s about the best thing you can do.” William Glasser, M.D.

August 1, 1999 Bill, According to your “Choice Theory” what is the difference between “internal motivation” and “external Motivation”? They said I missed it but I believe I was correct. My response: “in internal motivation we are responding to conditions (behaviors) because these actions are specific to our bodily makeup or genes; in external motivation we are to outside factors that are not preexisting. Test concerns an attitudinal driving course, Please advise if you believe my response is correct, what I’m saying is that we respond internally to preconceived actions (Ex- “That’s the way John would handle that rude customer!”) Because that’s how Johns physiological make up would react, perhaps differently than his wife’s. Externally it is nothing more that reacting to behavior that is sent your way. Example: “The foul ball is headed right at a fan in right field foul lines lower deck. The fan tries to catch the ball with his bare hands and gets a bone bruise for his trouble.” He could have chosen to duck or forget about trying to catch the ball in the first place. Please send me an E-mail with your thoughts, I have read your books and really would like to move on in this course. Thanks August 12, 1999

Dear: It’s very hard for me to critique what you’ve said, but I think you’re making the internal control/external control ideas a little bit more complicated than they are. As far as I’m concerned, we are all internal control organisms. Everything we do or say, i.e., our total behavior is motivated from within our own brain. All we can get from the outside world is information. That information goes into our brain but we still behave according to how our brain wants things to be. This is basically what I call our Quality World. The further information that we receive might impinge upon how we choose to satisfy what’s in our quality world. I believe that external control is when that information comes in and makes it difficult for a person to satisfy what’s in his/her quality world, or to get even beneath that, to satisfy his/her genetic needs built into our system. I think you’re moving a little bit in that direction, but I don’t think you’re coming up with what I would come up with. Therefore, the foul ball coming toward the fan is information; the fan can choose to try to catch it or not. Any injury related to the choice of trying to catch it is, of course, his own responsibility, as all of our behavior is our own responsibility. Problems arise in the world when people try to control us to the extent that we can’t satisfy our needs the way we want to. If all the information we got from the outside world were concurrent with what we want, which is in our quality world, there would be very few, if any, human problems. From your standpoint as a highway patrolman, try this example: There’s a traffic light and it turns red and I want to go through. That’s my choice and if I get a ticket or get into an accident, then my choice led to that conclusion, but I still for various reasons wanted to go through. If I came to the same corner and stopped, that’s also my choice. The fact that in the end, stopping might be much better for me then going through, that’s just the natural way that things are. If you as a highway patrolman caught me going through, then took out your service revolver, shot all the tires out on my car and said, “That’ll teach you a lesson for running the red light,” that’s your choice and whatever damage to my car is your choice and responsibility. All of us are always internally controlled. That’s 100%. But, when we make what I call

good choices versus not-so-good choices (and you as a patrolman see a lot of people making what you would consider not-so-good choices), this is basically the conflict of the world. What we need to do is teach people Choice Theory so that they understand that when they make a choice, they are responsible for it, rather than make a choice and then say, “You made me do it” or “I don’t like what you did to me after I made the choice.” These are people blaming their poor choice or their inadequate choice on the outside world when it is their choice that led to it. I know this is quite complicated, but that’s what it’s all about as far as I can give you in a very short e-mail. I would suggest very strongly that you read Chapter 1 of the book Choice Theory over again, because I think I explain it quite clearly in there, at least the best I’ve been able to explain it so far. Cordially- Bill

Dear: I think that our inability to get along with the important people in our lives is the only psychological problem that we all have to deal with. It causes divorce, school failure, bad parent-child relationships and bad situations at work. All of these are not reactions. They are how people act when they are dealt with in ways that they don’t like. When this happens, most people tend to blame the other person. Choice Theory explains that while the behavior that other people use is not your fault, it has nothing to do with your choice. It has to do with their choice. But it is how you deal with that behavior that is the subject of Choice Theory. If people believe that other people are the cause of their troubles, then it will be very difficult for them to get any help from my theory. William Glasser, M.D.

October 4, 2003

Dear Dr. Glasser, I am a first year Doctoral Student in Counselor Education at the University of Maryland. I am teaching a class next week on Reality Therapy/Choice Theory for Masters level students. In preparing for my presentation, I have come across some interesting dilemma that I have with the theory (and the therapeutic practice). I “choose” this theory to present, because it has many, many aspects that I agree with entirely. I agree that we all choose our thinking and our behaviors. I agree that we can only look at and deal with the present and not the past or the future. I agree that we can only change ourselves and to try and change others is an exercise in futility. Again, the reason why I choose this theory for a presentation is that it so closely aligns with my own thoughts concerning counseling and also in a much bigger sense the human condition! What I am having difficulties in is with accepting that we “choose” mental illness. It seems that Dr. Glasser’s contentions that while some Mental Illnesses are not chosen, e.g. the ones that have clear neurobiological implications such as, epilepsy and Alzheimer’s, others are such as, depression. The difficulty I am having in accepting this proposed part of his theory is that it gets us (me) into a circular argument. It’s the same as the old question, “which came first the chicken or the egg”? It is impossible for us to prove that someone’s choosing to depress (thinking, behavior) led to the change in neurochemistry (diminished Serotonin, or reduced Serotonin receptors), (physiology) and not the other way around. We cannot do a brain histology on a live human and even if we could, we could never be able to predict which people will “choose to depress” in the future, so therefore we should do a brain histology (even if we could) now, and then do another one after they have chosen to depress and compare the two results! So you see my dilemma. I suppose that for the validity of the theory we have to go on this assumption, but I don’t like making assumptions. Can you give me evidence??? Or any other advice that would help me understand what seems to be a crux of Choice Theory?? Thank You,

October 22, 2003 Dear: I appreciate your letter. You certainly seem to understand Choice Theory, which is at the basis of all I teach. But you seem to be having trouble with the idea of “choosing.” I never said in the book, Choice Theory, that we choose mental illness. In that book I don’t accept the term “mental illness.” I believe that we choose the symptoms of mental illness and that we choose them because we are unhappy. If you read the concept of total behavior very carefully, you will see that the choice doesn’t cause your brain chemistry to change. The brain chemistry is a part of the total behavior that you choose. If you run and sweat, your sweating is not caused by your running anymore than your running is caused by your sweating. The sweating is the physiological part of your total behavior just like your brain chemistry is the physiological part of another total behavior. You can only change your brain chemistry by changing your total behavior to a more satisfying one. I would suggest you read my most recent book called, Warning: Psychiatry Can be Hazardous to Your Mental Health. This book explains your so-called, circular dilemma, much better than anything else I have ever written. It is how people apply Choice Theory to their own lives. If you still have questions after you read this book, then feel free to write me again. Cordially- William Glasser, M.D.

“The book that you need to read to answer your questions about depression and choosing to be depressed is Counseling with Choice Theory. It really isn’t choosing to be depressed, but rather choosing the behavior of depressing or choosing to depress. I don’t deny how you felt, but the book explains it all. So, read that book and you’ll understand my thoughts on all the things called mental illness. None of these things are biological, but they are certainly caused by unhappiness, which I believe is the only major psychological problem that we suffer from. Mental illnesses are things like Parkinson’s

Disease. There was nothing wrong with your brain. What was wrong was your struggles with your daughter and your difficulty in dealing with it. You suffered from, I believe, a very normal choice to depress. It is the best way to handle something like that.” William Glasser, M.D.

“I think it is kind of a semantic difference. When we lose someone, we are often angry, even angry with the person deserting us, as crazy as that may seem. But whatever it is, whether we are angry with someone who is trying to control us or angry with people for not being who we want them to be, what we want is for people to treat us the way that would allow us to best satisfy our needs. When they don’t, we become angry. If the anger gets severe, then we choose to depress to keep the anger in check. If you read Choice Theory carefully, you will see that we also choose to depress as a way to ask for help without begging and as a way to avoid unpleasant situations where we may be rejected. These are examples of the ways we depress and there may be others too.” William Glasser, M.D.

July 27, 1998 The John Hopkins University School of Medicine Baltimore, MD 21205 Dear: I read with interest your research quoted in USA Today several weeks ago about how depression is linked to a higher risk of heart disease, and your intimation that it’s probably linked to a great many other diseases. You talk about how necessary it is to diagnose depression now that it’s linked to

disease; you say it must be a real condition. I would like to point out that it may not be a disease at all, but it certainly can be linked to things like heart disease, coronary disease, and probably a great many other diseases that have strong psychological components. I have no idea whether you will follow this letter up by reading my new book, Choice Theory: A New Psychology of Personal Freedom, but in that book I discuss thoroughly what depression and other mental illnesses are and how they are chosen. They are chosen because the people that choose them have not been able to establish satisfactory relationships in their life. That’s the main psychological problem in the world. Check with every single one of your chronic patients and you’ll find that in almost all cases they have dissatisfying relationships, especially the ones that don’t seem to be getting any better. When I say it’s a choice, I mean that we choose to depress. I changed it from a noun into a behavior because all we can do is behave, and depression, or as I would say, to depress is certainly one of the most common behaviors that people use. It is, perhaps, the most common when people are unable to gain the kind of relationships they want. Actually, the way I explain this is, I call all behavior “total behavior.” That is, it has four components: acting, thinking, feeling and physiology. Only two of those four components are under our direct control; acting and thinking. The other two; feeling and physiology, follow, like the rear wheels of a car follow the front wheels of a car. They’re inseparable from them but they can’t be changed directly. If you want to help a person with what is normally called a mental illness, which I believe is a choice, you help them to choose more effective behaviors. When a person depresses, the person tends to do so for three reasons: 1) it restrains the anger. They’re very angry at the frustration of not being able to fulfill their needs: 2) it’s a powerful way to ask for help without begging. No one likes to beg and when you depress, you send the strong message. “Help me”: and 3) if you don’t want to confront a difficult situation in your life, you’ll say you’re too depressed to deal with it, and that gets you off the hook. Unfortunately, in all cases, you’re suffering from the behavior you’re choosing, the depressing.

I’m sure this is getting a little long for you, but if you read the article in the April 4th edition of the New England Journal of Medicine, I’m sure you would know the lead author, although I can’t remember his name as I’m sitting here at my computer. The article is entitled, “Coronary Artery Disease in Men Who Have No Indication that They Should Have Any Coronary Artery Disease.” What that article suggests is what I think you may actually be running into; that the coronary arteries are attacked by your own immune system, such as happens in all auto-immune diseases, and coronary arteries are attacked just as if the attack was in a joint, as in rheumatoid arthritis. When you look at the artery through the microscope, it certainly looks like an attack. It has bleeding, scabbing, platelet cells, fibrous compounds, and it keeps building as these attacks continue, exactly like you would expect from any sort of an immune system attack on a vascular part of your body. I have a feeling that depressing is strongly tied to how your immune system works, and may be the answer to what you’re talking about. Unfortunately, in my profession psychiatry, everyone is looking for a drug to deal with depression, and there are drugs that will give reasonable relief, including Prozac; but they don’t get to the problem, which is the dissatisfying relationship. So, the disease process may continue, even though the treatment is relatively successful. I’m sure I’ve bothered you too long. I appreciate your reading this letter and if you’d like to read my new book, Choice Theory: A New Psychology of Personal Freedom (HarperCollins, 1998), I think you could learn a great deal more about psychosomatic disease then you’ve ever known before. This is a new way of looking at things and I think you would agree that what we need are some new ways to look at things. I hope your mind is not closed to “looking outside the envelope” and finding out what other people are thinking about, that is, the very same things you may worry about. Cordially- William Glasser, M.D. Dear: I appreciate what you are trying to do with the ideas of attention deficit disorder. I don’t really think it exists. I think that the people whom we call

attention deficit are people who won’t pay attention to the things we think they ought to pay attention to. What they think they ought to pay attention to, they pay pretty good attention to, such as playing video games or watching television. I can’t go into this in a letter as it is too long. I’m enclosing an article I recently wrote on intelligence and although it is just preliminary ideas, it is still pretty clear. Attention deficit disorder is when you are asking people to do something that isn’t in their quality world. It is not a disorder. It is just that if it is not in our quality world, then we really don’t attend to it or certainly don’t pay close attention to it. I suggest that you read my books The Quality School, The Control Theory Manager and Control Theory. All of these books explain the theory and I believe the theory explains what is wrongly called attention deficit disorder and should be called what people choose not to attend to. I don’t know if you are married or not, but many married people shortly after marriage find out that they have an attention deficit disorder where the other is concerned. It takes a pretty happy marriage to keep that from occurring. I hope this helps. After you’ve read the paper, please write back if you have any questions. Cordially- William Glasser, M.D.

“Concerning ADHD or ADD my belief is that the problem is in the child’s “quality world.” I believe that very strongly. If it is not in the quality world, then it doesn’t exist for the child. To get something into the quality world, we have to get into the child’s quality world. If it is not there, the child literally cannot attend to it. He could if he wanted to, but he has no incentive to and doesn’t in the cases we see. Of course, many of us choose to attend to things that are not in our quality world. But the children with the deficit disorders choose not to. They can’t help attending to what is in their quality world, but in many cases, their quality world is quite minimal or totally different from what we want. For example, they do not have school or schoolwork in it.

All I can say is that we didn’t see any disorders at the Schwab School. This is a school where every child was not attending when we came there. What we changed was their quality worlds. They put us in and they increased their quality world as they did.” William Glasser, M.D.

Dear: I was able to read the book you sent me. In almost everything the man says in the book is confirmed or corresponds with what I say in Choice Theory, and I’ve also said in my books like Quality School, Quality School Teacher, and even Choice Theory in the Classroom. The only quarrel I have with the book is that the author is like most of the brain people. He doesn’t really understand that the brain itself is genetically motivated to fill certain needs. These people talk about the brain as it’s sitting there and it will work or it won’t work, but what works is when the people are actually able to satisfy the genetic needs. What doesn’t work, as I pointed out in Choice Theory, is that when you can’t satisfy the needs, you don’t give up on it and the brain doesn’t attack you or anything like that. You choose behaviors that are your best attempt to at least reduce the pain in the situation, even if you can’t satisfy the needs. William Glasser, M.D. “What you are asking about is the fact that we have in our brain two worlds. We have the perceived world which is what we perceive of the real world. We don’t know what the real world is. All we know is what we perceive of it and then we try to match those perceptions. What we want we store in another world in our head which is not perceived but what we figure out for ourselves. That world is the internal world or what I now call the quality world. We then try to behave to match our perceptions of what we want. That is the cause of all of our behavior. For example, if I have a perception in my quality world that I would like

to live in a cool comfortable house and my perception is that the house is very hot and uncomfortable, then I will do everything possible to get the temperature of the house down to a comfortable level. It is the same with food, love … anything we want. We always have a perception which we build into our brain based on our needs of what we want and then all of our behavior is an attempt to control the world which means to control our perceptions of the world so that they match the built in quality world as much as possible.” William Glasser, M.D.

3. DATING AND MARRIAGE “Freedom is the hardest thing really for people to get if they want to be in a relationship, because you can’t have all you want.” William Glasser, M.D.

September 20, 2002 I just finished reading your “Getting Together and Staying Together” book to help me either to save and/or drastically improve my marriage. My husband and I have been married for 9 months, the last 2 separated. We knew each other for 5 years prior to our marriage. We had a wonderful, loving and unconditional relationship till marriage. Our problems began last year when we moved in together with my then 4 year old son and his then 10 year old daughter. I truly love this man and want to grow old with him, but I do not know how to get my marriage back without alienating children and retaining control from them without his support. Can you help in any way, me, my husband, and our children to save this marriage? September 30, 2002 Dear: The only way my advice or the ideas in my books will work is for all parties involved to embrace Choice Theory. In Getting Together and Staying Together, it explains that before you do or say anything to your husband, step-daughter or your own son, you should say to yourself “if I do or say this, will it improve our relationship or will it make it worse?” What you are doing now is very obviously making it worse. This is all I can say. External control, which you’ve certainly read about in Getting Together and Staying Together, is a plague on all humanity. It destroys all relationships in which people try to stay together happily. It has

destroyed your relationship and will continue to destroy it as long as you use it. I wish I could do more, but my advice and my books are all I can give. Cordially- William Glasser, M.D.

“I know it is difficult, but I would suggest you go out of your way to show some affection to your husband. Your children are young, but you can probably find a babysitter. You need time with your husband where you don’t even mention the children. It is like they are one part of your life and it is the other part of your life that needs rejuvenating. After all, when you were straying, I am sure that neither your children nor his children were with you.” William Glasser, M.D.

“If I start using Choice Theory in order to bring myself closer to another person, give up external control and do everything I know that I think will help our relationship, but the other person continues to use external control; then yes, there comes a time when we have to ask ourselves if we really want this relationship. Under most circumstances, if one person in the relationship starts using Choice Theory, then the other person begins to slow down and then stop using the external control. What the person using Choice Theory can say to the person (if you’re using Choice Theory doesn’t cause that other person to stop) is, “I think that what I have to talk to you about is how much do you value our relationship because the relationship is what we share. I’m willing to do what I can for the relationship and I think that will help. If you, however, are not willing to do what you can, then perhaps we need to say goodbye.” William Glasser, M.D.

September 8, 2002 Dr. Glasser, I just finished reading your book “Getting Together and Staying Together”. I have also started reading “Choice Theory”. I have been separated from my abusive spouse since June 200l. My divorce is supposed to be final on Wednesday. Fortunately I have found a wonderful therapist who has helped me deal with the fact that I was in an abusive marriage for 16 years and helped me with ways to take back control of my life. The marriage was abusive, but I was responsible for some of the not so good things that happened in my marriage. After reading the chapter on the strength-need profile, I realize that we should never have married. I have a strong need for love and belonging a 5 and I think that my ex was a 1. He was also completely consumed with power and the need to dominate and control me. I chose to depress and shutdown and I also began to develop some physical ailments, irritable bowel syndrome, asthma and chronic sinus infections. I realize now that my physical ailments were a result of my choice to remain in an unhappy relationship that sucked the life out of me. Anyway, I found the strength and courage to leave, knowing that my ex was going to make it very difficult and that the price would be very high. I knew that I was fighting for my very life and knew that I could not live a life of fear and raise my children thinking this was the way a mother should be and this is how a marriage should be. Anyway, I was unable to get full custody of my children, but I figured that better a healthy and whole mother part of the time was better than a nonfunctioning mother with an abusive husband. Anyway, in the last year my ex has tried everything to maintain control of me and to make me miserable and when he found that money did not work as a control mechanism, he has lessened his monetary fight. (He has not stopped altogether, but it can be worked out in court.) My concern is that he is using my kids as a pawn to get at me and I know that I cannot let him know how much it gets to me and I

know that if he does awful things through my kids that I am always going to feel bad for my kids. My question is if I am choosing to limit my contact with him as much as possible and not letting him get a negative reaction out of me that he can see, how do I choose my behavior and action he is hurting the kids in an attempt to hurt you. My son is 14 and has developed ulcers. He has told his Dad that he wants to live with me full time and his Dad refuses, so I have a 14 year old who tells me that he asks his Dad every day to live with me. It is a difficult situation and I am trying to do the best I can right now. I am going to try to take him to court over custody, but since I never reported abuse, I have no proof. I guess I am trying to deal with having been abused for so many years, deal with him hurting my children, and still live the best life that I can. I guess I was hoping that you had some idea of how I could do that. I know that right now there is nothing I can do to change the custody situation. Sincerely, September 23, 2002 Dear: I read over your e-mail. You have gotten a lot out of reading my books, but unfortunately you still have to deal with the ex-husband you described. My latest book is called Unhappy Teenagers: A Way for Parents and Teachers to Reach Them. [Now entitled “For Parents and Teenagers: Dissolving the Barrier Between You and Your Teen”]. I’m sure your son is an intelligent and somewhat sensitive child who can read. You should read this book with your child and you and he should plan how he deals with his father. In Chapter Four, there is a mild example of this, but your son has to go much further. He has to use Choice Theory as he deals with his father no matter how his father deals with him. He is trapped in this situation for at least a couple more years. Fighting in court may do some good, but it may not. What I suggest will do a lot of good. Tell your son that you are on his side and you want to help him, but that he has to learn to defend himself against his father and do so by treating his father well and with some love if

he can. It is very very hard, but that is what will work. Whether he and you can do it together, I don’t know. But if you read this book together and talk about it and you both plan on doing some things based on the book, it certainly may help.

One thing it won’t do is cause any harm. I wish I could do more. Cordially- William Glasser, M.D.

January 21, 2004 Dr. GlasserLike most of your patients and correspondents, I have a relationship problem. I’ve been dating the same woman for over seven years. Our relationship has been characterized by strong and pervasive disagreements for over six of those years. A year and a half ago I broke up with her, moving out of her home and leaving immediately to attend a soul-searching family reunion. When I returned I had an e-mail, a letter, and two phone messages from her, all saying that she wanted to make up, that we should see a relationship counselor, that we had a relationship worth saving, and that she realized what she was doing wrong. It was a very strong apology. To my great regret, I accepted, bought a house, and we moved in together. After a few months things began to degenerate. The dilemma, specifically, is, 1) she treats me like dirt, all of the time, and I can’t see why I should continue to spend time with her, pay most of her expenses, take her on dates, etc.-but she won’t move out, 2) she refuses to get any kind of relationship counseling, and 3) she won’t read your books. What I have begun to realize is that the relationship that is unacceptable to me is, for some reason, acceptable to her. Please help. I want to be happy again. Any suggestions would be welcome.

February 17, 2004 Dear: When two people want to get along with each other and they’re having difficulty, they can put Choice Theory to work in their life and can usually get a great deal of help. In your case it doesn’t seem to be. If you say that your relationship is unacceptable to you and with all her criticism acceptable to her, that may do okay for her, but where do you stand? I can’t advise you to do anything. I don’t know the situation well enough to give you advice. All I can tell you is to put Choice Theory to work in your relationship as long as it lasts, and if it doesn’t last, try to find someone else. Choice Theory will work but of course it has to be accepted, especially the need to get rid of the external control, by the other person. Cordially- William Glasser, M.D.

“When people marry, they should carefully check out whether or not the person has a history of good relationships with family and friends. Do people like him and do they want to see him again? All of these things are checkable and should be checked. Don’t fall for the delusion addressed in my book Staying Together, that “with my love he’ll change,” as it is very unlikely.” William Glasser, M.D.

“I think that if there is still love left in the marriage, if both people want to stay married, then they put Choice Theory to work in their lives, then there is a good chance the cheating spouse will be able to stop cheating and the marriage will improve. But there is no guarantee.” William Glasser, M.D. July 7, 2002

Dear Dr. Glasser, I have never in my life taken the time to write to an author before, but am compelled to do so today. I ran across your book, “Getting Together and Staying Together” almost by accident at the bookstore late on Thursday night. I had interestingly enough decided just a few days earlier that I might try obliterating all criticism from my marriage relationship in yet another effort to improve it- hence my immediate interest in what I read at first glance of your book. I have been married for 24 years, the last 23 of which have been a great struggle. Believing that I could somehow learn to do it better, I have read countless books about relationships and have found some good advice, but nothing ever did what your book claims and in fact delivers - to solve the mystery of it all. I have always been frustrated that it is not for lack of effort that our marriage doesn’t produce more satisfying results. We are both decent people who have no desire to divorce and who would really like to be able to find happiness by actually keeping the vows we made. I think it is fair to say that I am generally a very successful person. I have always believed that I can have whatever I want in life if I am willing to pay the price to get it - and this has been true except for the one area of my life in which I most badly want to find success - marriage. On bringing home your book I was not able to put it down. Here at last was a logical explanation which immediately rang true. A rough guess at our * Need Strength Profiles (mine, 35444 and his, 42232) indicates immediately why it has all been so hard. Add to that all the criticizing, complaining and withdrawing we have resorted to and it is very clear why after 24 years we are both completely numb, left only with resignation and a complete abandonment of hope. Reading the book has not replaced the hope; but I can’t tell you what a relief it is to UNDERSTAND. I have not yet decided what my next response will be. I have learned from other books about the Choice Theory and have for many years chosen not to be miserable but to make a wonderful life for myself outside my marriage. I have an extremely satisfying career and very close relationships with many wonderful people. I have learned to demand

nothing from my marriage but I still feel a sadness, that although all this other stuff is good, the thing I want most of all eludes me. I am thinking after reading the book that I now need to think out the whole business of Choice Theory again. Maybe there are choices I could make that might actually improve things, or given our rather disastrous compatibility factor, it could well be that the best choice would in fact be to walk away from each other. Whatever… I just wanted to tell you that your little book has made more sense to me than all the thousands of pages I have previously read on the subject and I feel that a new window of light has just appeared in my life. Thank you for taking the time to work it all out and share it with the world. I am just about to order two more copies to send to my brother and sister who are each dealing with the same old struggles. If you are interested I will let you know the outcome of all this, as soon as it materializes. Sincerely * A self test to discover your basic need profile based on a score of 1 - 5: Love and Belonging, Power, Freedom, Fun and Survival July 24, 2002 Dear: Thank you very much for your e-mail. I have rarely received one quite as enthusiastic as yours, but I get a lot very similar to it. Of course, you can try to use the book by yourself or possibly your husband will use it with you. The fact that you have different profiles isn’t really that disastrous to the marriage. What is disastrous is the fact that you don’t understand how different the profiles are. Once you understand it there are things you can do about it. You can’t make a (2) into a (4) or anything like that. However, you can try to understand that perhaps your husband is less capable than you expect him to be and maybe if you could settle for that, then he would get the feeling of confidence and be more capable, perhaps in the area of love and belonging.

Whatever happens, I would certainly like to hear from you again. I enjoyed your letter very much. Cordially- William Glasser, M.D.

“To use a little Choice Theory - a successful relationship is when both parties put the other in his or her quality world and help to satisfy their need for love and belonging and power in terms of respect through this relationship.” William Glasser, M.D.

September 5, 2003 Dr. Glasser, … I am amazed at the immediate benefits of relinquishing external control. However, I know that things may not be this smooth at all times. Moreover in the past I have seen my husband develop immunity towards my efforts very quickly. So, the real challenge would be to keep up the efforts in face of external control. For that I will need encouragement. If I succeed, I’ll take the ideas and share them with my family in India, with your permission of course. I could not write a smaller letter. Hope you find the time to read it. I’ll wait to hear from you. And thanks again for writing “Getting Together and Staying Together.” It’s a brilliant book. Regards, September 19, 2003 Dear: You wrote a long letter, but I felt that it was worthwhile. Toward the end, you

began to discover that the only thing that will work in your relationship with your husband or with anyone else is getting rid of the external control. You worry that your husband will go back to the way he was, but as long as you keep free of external control, mostly he won’t. He may try to go back, try to tempt you into using external control so that he has an excuse to treat you the way he has on many occasions. But if you don’t use external control he won’t be able to do that for very long and he will gain no satisfaction if he does. You are finding out something that is very hard to discover. I realize that you come from a culture that uses more external control than here in the United States, but that psychology is rampant throughout the world. From it we diagnose people and do all kinds of things and mostly we try to control them and it doesn’t work because they resist and our relationships are harmed and broken and life is terrible. Try very hard not use to the seven deadly habits, especially criticizing, blaming and complaining. Those are really the worst. Keep up the process and feel free to write me again in several months and let me know how things are going. Give your husband my regards. Tell him you are giving up external control. Tell him that if he wants to do it too, then you will both benefit, but if he doesn’t, let him know that you still aren’t going to use it. Cordially- William Glasser, M.D.

Dear: As you say, all my books are easy to understand but not easy to apply in your life. Why this is so is the theme of my 1998 book, Choice Theory, an explanation of how to improve the way we relate to all the people in our lives. It is hard to apply Choice Theory, as in Staying Together, because I am asking you to consider living your life totally differently from the way you have lived it since you were small. Please note that in the book, Staying Together, I use the term Control Theory. That term is misleading and in 1996 I changed that name to Choice Theory which is accurate: we choose all we

do. What I am asking you to do is give up the external control psychology you have used all your life and to replace it with Choice Theory. In practice this means stop: Criticizing, Blaming, Complaining, Nagging, Threatening and Punishing. These behaviors are relationship killers. No marriage, or any other relationship can survive them. When you replace external control with Choice Theory you replace the destructive behaviors above with negotiation. But you negotiate knowing that the only person you can control is yourself. When you negotiate in a relationship always say to yourself, Is what I am going to do or say now, going to bring us closer together or push us further apart. If you believe it will push you apart, don’t do it. And you will find that you always know the difference. William Glasser, M.D.

Dear: Thank you for your latest email. There aren’t simple answers to your questions. If a husband believes that agreeing to “bottom lines” is helpful to the relationship i.e. the marriage, then the bottom lines could be consistent with Choice Theory. How they negotiate and talk to each other is important. If the wife tells her husband that these “bottom lines” he has agreed to are non- negotiable and that he either performs as agreed or the marriage is over, then that message can be perceived as a threatening external behavior which does not move them closer but further apart. Knowledge of Choice Theory teaches us to choose behaviors to move us closer to the people we want to be closer with. Both of them separately need to decide what they are willing to give to the marriage. Choice Theory really addresses what IS not what IF. In my private practice, couples often talked about “bottom lines” and what would not be negotiable. However, no one ever really knows what their “bottom lines” will be when faced with an emotionally charged issue in a relationship. I hope this helps. William Glasser, M.D.

“The more you put Choice Theory to work in your marriage, the less reason either side of the marriage will have to cheat.” William Glasser, M.D.

4. PARENTING “Perhaps there is no other individual more in a woman’s quality world than her child.” William Glasser, M.D.

August 22, 1999 Dear Bill, I’m writing to share some of my wonderful experiences at Corning. The people I stayed with were most delightfu1. They graciously accepted me into their home and I felt quite comfortable and welcome. I co-taught the Basic Week and we agreed this experience was not only greatly need satisfying, but one of growth personally and professionally. We had twenty enthusiastic and eager-to-learn participants. It was easy to see they had some prior exposure to your ideas, which of course, added to the quality of the learning experience for all. There were many “ah-has” during the four days as the ideas were being integrated. I want to share the following story with you that epitomize the week: On the fourth day, W came to me prior to the beginning of the day and asked to speak with me to share her experience of the past evening and early morning with her son. I asked if she would be willing to share it with the group and she agreed to do so. “I know I’m going to cry,” she informed the class as she began her story. “But please bear with me …. last night my son, who is fourteen, called me from his work and asked if he could go to the movies, after he got off work, with some of his friends. When I asked him who the friends were, he told me, and I realized they were older than him, in their Sophomore and Junior years of high school. It seemed like a reasonable request to me, so I told him he could. Later last night, at 11:30, I awoke and when I checked, my son was not home yet. I chose anxietizing and began, I guess chose, pacing the floor. At 1:30, I

woke my husband so he could share in the pacing. It was 2:30 before my son finally came through the front door. He saw us and said, “Hi mom, you still up?” Normally I would have said “You are in deep shit! Sit down.” Then I would have lectured for an hour. However, I said, “Hi honey, how was the movie?” My son (and my husband) looked at me kind of funny. “Yeah, it was a good movie, but why are you still up?” Your dad and I have been very worried because it is so late. “Mom, you told me I could go to the movies, you didn’t say anything about when to get home.” I could hear my husband draw a breath in preparation for a tirade. “Honey,” I said to him, “please let me handle this. Your dad and I will take ownership for not setting a reasonable time for you; but you knew it was late, what could you have done to help us?” My son thought for a moment and said, I guess I could have called you.” As my son disappeared up the stairs my husband said, “Holy Shit! What are they teaching you there? That’s COOL!” I started to cry. Through my tears I sputtered in a shrill voice, “I’m just so glad I asked the right questions!” Everyone in the class was so moved, someone started passing a box of Kleenex tissues around, and it was close to being emptied when it completed its journey around the circle. Also, Bill, I’m enclosing a copy of an article from Time on “Saving Suburbia” and the project’s cost is billions of dollars. I am also enclosing the email I sent to Letters to the Editors for your information. * TIME Magazine: August 16, 1999 Saving Suburbia: Families that seek a sense of community are moving to new suburbs designed to model small towns September 3, 1999 Dear:

I think the story that you wrote about in the letter is just an unbelievably good story. The fact that the woman did it and the fact that her husband said what he said, “What are they teaching you over there? That’s cool!” I guess it is cool. I really don’t know who this person is, but I’d suggest you pass this letter on to her. I think she has expressed more Choice Theory in that short interchange with her l4 year-old child than many of us are able to do in a whole lifetime. She also has a marvelous husband and should congratulate him too that he recognized when something better was going on. Thank you for sharing this. Best- William Glasser, M.D.

August 30, 2001 Hi, I am in the middle of reading William Glasser’s book on Choice Theory, and I’m in a total quandary on how to apply it at this moment with my daughter. This may be an inappropriate query of you, which, if so, I apologize for. I just am struggling with how to be a good mother at the same time as allowing my daughter the choices she so desperately wants to make. I have always been what many people might consider to be overly permissive. I have erred in ways. I’m sure in allowing my daughter to obstinately resist my wishes for her (even as an infant her pediatrician deemed her “willful”). I have been controlling in numerous indirect ways and more overtly when I have gotten to the point where I feel negligent about not imposing control on her behavior. She’s grown up a terrific kid with a lot of smarts but doesn’t always make the healthiest decisions. In light of this, she came home from the pool hall the night before last (where she has taken to hanging out this summer) asking that her father and I allow

her to have no curfew. She turned 17 a couple days ago. We didn’t impose on her a curfew prior to now because her boyfriend had one and she was basically constrained by that since she was always with him. It was convenient for us and she actually thought she had a curfew. It was unspoken but expected. Well they have broken up now and she does not want to be constrained. Most of the people she hangs out with now are in their 20’s at the pool hall and she is there most evenings until 10:00, at least until a few nights ago, she came home around 1 :00. She doesn’t even come home for dinner most nights anymore. So, in the spirit of honoring the choices that she makes and wanting her to have the chance to learn to make responsible choices in this last year before college, we agreed to her plan, letting her know we wanted her home more than she’s been home, especially for dinners often and that we didn’t want her out so late routinely that she isn’t getting enough sleep. She promised she wouldn’t let it affect her school obligations and she would take care to get adequate sleep. Her greatest motivation seems to be wanting to sometimes play in a weekly euchre tournament at the pool hall (this is a non-alcohol establishment) which has been known to go to 1:00 AM. We were even willing to let her play in that once in a while. Well, first day right off (last night) she stayed out till 2:30 (playing in the euchre tournament) and left us a note apparently at 6:00 AM letting us know that she not only got in at that time, and had a really fun time, but she also left that early to “go see her writing teacher about an idea she has for a story”. So, she clearly didn’t get much sleep if any. Now, I get home from work and she’s gone again/still. And I honestly don’t know what is best for me to do at this point. I am too embarrassed to even talk to my friends about my letting her stay out that late as I think that is pretty much an indication that I have been a neglectful parent. That feeling alone makes me feel like this is wrong. But I don’t know what is right. I agree with Choice Theory … as best I understand it… and I don’t want to damage my relationship with my daughter. But I am afraid the older folks she is hanging out with at the pool hall are influencing her negatively. She certainly sees no reason she should have more constraints on her time being there than they do.

Please help I want so badly to get out of the controlling parent mode (which she doesn’t realize is much less than what most other parents do), and I don’t want to further damage the pretty positive relationship we now have. But I can’t stand feeling like I am failing her by not imposing restrictions. Thanks for your insights, September 19, 2001 Dear: I received your e-mail and I appreciate your position. I have had so much mail on this subject that I’ve Written a book that will be published some time next spring, but unfortunately, too late to help you. Part of what I’ve written in the book I can share with you now and it may help. Your daughter, like all teenagers, thinks she is invulnerable at this period of her life and doesn’t need sleep, control or anything. She just wants to be left alone. Obviously, she needs some control and guidance–more than what she wants. You speak of it as if it is all your job, but you say you have a husband living with you. I think you and he need to talk this over and decide exactly what you both want. You have the right to ask your daughter what you want from her. You might also tell her you won’t settle for her having total control of her comings and goings. You would, however be willing to go along with any reasonable request she makes that will keep her at home a reasonable amount of time, but that will also give her a reasonable amount of freedom. Tell her you have no intention of taking all of her freedom away, but that she has too much. Ask her what she wants. Then, if what she wants is something that you can come close to agreeing to, agree to it. If you can’t come close to agreeing to it, then tell her you can’t agree with it and that if you have to fight with her and keep her in the house, you are going to do it as much as you hate to. You both have to tell her you’ll take a stand. One thing I suggest in the new book for a girl like your daughter is to give her a cellular phone. Tell her she must have it with her at all times so that you can call her and she can call you. She needs to keep it charged and keep it on. She could call at 11:00 and 12:00, and if she needs to be home by 1:00, then

she needs to call you when she leaves. All you want her to tell you is that she is okay and let you know when you can expect her to be home. If she doesn’t call you, then you call her. If she doesn’t answer her phone and doesn’t call you, then you have to get tough. I wouldn’t let this go on uncontrolled. You can certainly share this e-mail with her. You can also share the book Choice Theory with her. Tell her you are acting on my recommendations. Because I don’t know you or your daughter, there may be things about this situation that I’m not aware of that would make my advice inappropriate. This is only advice. It is up to you to choose what to do. I think it is good advice, but it is not psychiatric treatment and I’m not taking any responsibility for whatever your daughter does. But if you do decide to follow this advice, e-mail me again and let me know how things turned out. Tell your daughter that if she wants to e-mail me about how things are going, I would be happy to hear from her too. But also tell her that I am steadfast in my advice that what you are giving her now is too much. I hope this helps. Cordially- Bill April 4, 2005 Hello to you: I was reading Dr. Glasser’s book Unhappy Teenagers and the Choice Theory is positive. There seem to be a lot of problems more serious than my own. I really struggle with parenting. My son has been difficult to raise since he was born. My daughter is a lot more normal, though not perfect. My son won’t do anything he is asked unless he wants to do it. This includes homework, chores, and even picking up after himself. Last night I asked him several times to clean up in the living room before he went to bed. I finally just picked it up myself and threw his things in the trash. My daughter’s room was so messy that I put all of her stuff from the floor onto our hide a bed couch. It completely fills the couch and rises two feet over. She wants to keep all of this stuff but it doesn’t even fit in her room

with it being 50 cubic feet of belongings. It has sat on the couch for a week and her room is back to being a mess. She even brought home a big sack full of things yesterday from her friend who is moving. I do most all of the cooking and cleaning and the children rarely pitch in. It is the same as when they were toddlers and I would clean up one mess only to find the two of them had made a bigger mess while I was cleaning up the other one. I find very little enjoyment in parenting when I work all day and come home to a disaster. What is going on here? Can you advise me if it is ok to get rid of this stuff that just lays around the house? My children are 12 and 14 but this has always gone on. I try to ignore it but it is so depressing living in a messy house. I would rather do other things in my life than perpetually cleaning up messes. The only time I make progress is when they are not at home. Thanks, April 20, 2005 Dear: I read your e-mail and I appreciate your situation. Your children just don’t do what you want them to do. Unfortunately, this is a fairly common problem. Some situations are perhaps more severe than yours and some less. The whole point of the Unhappy Teenagers book is in the first chapter the more you control, the less control you have. You don’t seem like a very controlling person, but that is not how your children see you. You are in a struggle with them. They want to control you and you want to control them. The only way to win that struggle is to drop out of it. But don’t drop out of it by picking up their things and throwing them away because this just increases the tension between you. My advice would be that if you want their rooms cleaned up or anything else done, that you periodically approach them and tell them you would be more than happy to help them. Tell them that if they won’t help you, that is fine, but that they should come in and watch you so that you can talk together as you do it. Let them know that your main goal in life is to become friends with them and feel that you are on the same wavelength, that you support each other and love each other. Explain that if this means you have to pick up their

rooms for a few years, you’ll be willing to do it. You don’t want to lose their love and friendship over a few minutes of work here and there. Hopefully they will start doing it themselves, but it is not a condition of you becoming friendly and loving with them, nor is it a condition of them giving you that friendship and love only if you do something for them. That is important. You will do it no matter how they behave. Now, this may sound very foreign to you, but it is Choice Theory. Choice Theory says you are going to give up using external control. Read the first few chapters of Unhappy Teenagers over and over again. The children aren’t going to give up external control, but if you give it up, they will tend to move in the direction you want. It may take time and effort and even may seem like the wrong thing to do, but anything else you do won’t work anyway. It is all in the book. Try doing this for a month or two. It certainly can’t hurt anything. The effort of all of the anger and upset you have is taking much more out of you than the effort of throwing a few things in a closet, etc. Email me again and remind me that your name is Liz and let me know how things are going. I’ll be out-of-the-country for the whole month of July and the first part of August, but if you can write me before then or after, I will be anxious to hear from you. Cordially- Dr. Glasser

“I can only tell you what I believe. I really can’t tell you what to do. I believe that some children are born hyper sensitive to external control. You can’t control them if they are not in the reality you live in. What these people do is sense external control when it isn’t there. That is really all I can say. Not sending the external control message is as good as any of us can do.” William Glasser, M.D.

October 30, 2000 Dear: Suggesting to your daughter to read What Is This Thing Called Love is an excellent suggestion, but she’s not in the mood for it right now as she’s infatuated with her boyfriend. It is a destructive relationship. There is really no other way to describe it. My advice is that if you can possibly avoid doing it, please don’t kick her out of the house. Tell her that you may not agree with her relationship with her boyfriend, but you want to impress upon her that whatever happens, you love her. This brings me to the next point about your having left your daughter in the hands of God. I think that is a very good thing for you to do, especially since you believe so strongly in God. But, you also believe that there are things you can do and you are certainly trying. As far as me mentioning God in my books, I think that would be presumptuous as I think that when it comes to one’s personal beliefs, people should not try to influence others. You develop them yourself as I developed mine. I am absolutely firm about not, in any way, attempting to say that anyone should do this or that with their life, except that I think it would be wise. I suggest that you learn Choice Theory and use it in your life. But that is very tangible and different. But suggesting that you either embrace God or not embrace God and whether I do or do not has nothing to do with the way I live my life. I think it is wonderful for each of us to have our own belief system and to live by it as long as that belief system doesn’t attempt to force others to do anything they don’t want to. Finally, Carleen and I are always happy to autograph books. We’re also very pleased you ordered the videotape. I think it is absolutely one of the best tapes we’ve ever done. Carleen and I participated but we did not create the tape. A lot of other people had a lot to do with this wonderful product. I’ll check into those copies of What Is This Thing Called Love. I know we’ve been extremely busy at the office this fall.

I do appreciate hearing from you. Feel free to write and fill me in on what is going on. Cordially- William Glasser, M.D.

August 12, 2005 Dear Dr. Glasser, I have been reading Unhappy Teenagers by William Glasser, M. D., but I’ve only read to chapter 10 so far. During the whole book so far I’ve been searching for what to do with my misbehaving and rowdy boys. I’m still trying to find the answer in this book but haven’t so far, or at least I don’t know if I have. What I understand is that if I give them the 7 caring habits, and none of the deadly habits, then they’ll start doing their homework, they come home when I ask them to, they will not smart off to me. What do I do when I do follow these habits, and they think, well great!! Stay out as long as I want, to hell with school and they don’t come home till late, they miss dinner? If I compromise with them, and say be home at 11:30 or call if you are going to be later, he doesn’t get home at 11: 30 nor does he call me, what then? I don t ground him? I don t take away privileges? I’m willing to try this with my kids but I m hesitant this will work. Kids need structure and rules to live by. How can this work? Thank you September 16, 2005 Dear: I receive many letters like yours. The answer to your letter is in the book, Unhappy Teenagers. I do understand that it is very difficult for you to accept that you have to change, whether your children change or not. Let me ask you a question. Is what you are doing now working? I’m guessing not or you probably wouldn’t have paid for and read the book. Are you

succeeding in doing something with the boys that helps them to behave better? The last two sentences in your letter were “Kids need structure and rules to live by” and “How can this work?” My answer is that this is a structure. It is a very important structure that says you gain more control when you give up control. That doesn’t mean that you give up rules or talking with your kids. It doesn’t mean that you have to accept everything they do whether you believe it is right or wrong. It does mean that you learn enough Choice Theory to put it to work in your life and use it with your kids. Tell them you are using it and try to explain it to them. They are not stupid. Tell them that what you have been doing isn’t working, so you are going to stop doing it. For example, ask them what time they think they should be home when they go out at night. Discuss this with them and see if they will agree to a reasonable time. See if they will agree to call you and tell you if they are going to stay out longer. Now, suppose they agree to come home at 11:30 p.m., but they don’t come home until 2:00 a.m., nor did they call. What should you do then? Explain that they said they would be home at 11:30 p.m. and then didn’t come home until 2:00 a.m. Ask them how you should behave under these circumstances? They said they would do something and they didn’t. Whatever their response, you should tell them that you do things for them and when you say you are going to do something for them, you do it. One of the things you do for them is perhaps give them money so they will have it to spend. You are not giving them the money so they will behave, but because you think it is the right thing to do. It is something that most all parents do and you are certainly not going to deprive them of it. Explain that the things you enjoy doing for them you are not willing to keep doing if they don’t do what they said they would do. You won’t yell at them, but just say that in order for you to live together harmoniously, you have to do things with and for each other. You can tell them you certainly prefer to do things “for” them than “to” them. Let them know you are trying to get along with them and not trying to punish them. Let them know that if they don’t get home at the reasonable time you discussed, then you will have to

stop giving them some things that you give them now. Even though you enjoy giving and doing things for them, you have to have some reciprocation within reason. There are a whole group of things you do with each other every day and you will have to start talking them over. Let them know what you want and what you won’t accept from them, which is to disregard what you want. Tell them that some of the things that you give them you will choose to stop giving them. Ask them to work out for themselves how they are going to follow the rules in your house. Ask your children what they think the rules should be. If you agree, then they must follow them. But again, there have to be rules as you said and it is true they have to be followed. But the people have to care for each other enough as you care for them and you hope they care for you, so they work together. You must continually stress that you have to get along with each other. If you try to control them and they don’t do the things you ask them to do, all it does is harm the relationship. You need to talk everything over and say that these are the things you agree on. If there are areas in which you don’t agree, then you have to take away some of the things that you really enjoy giving them because you really do need the reciprocation on their part. You could even share the book with them. Tell them that the ideas in this book are what you will follow. Tell them this will help your relationship. I realize you didn’t expect this long of an answer, but I’ve tried this with a lot of people, both children and adults for many years. If we can understand that the relationship is important to both of us, then these ideas will work very well. So, read the rest of the book and you will learn more. There are no quick fixes here. But what you are doing now is harder than anything I suggest, unless it is effective. Cordially- Dr. Glasser

June 5, 2002

Hi! I am the mother of a 15 year old, and I just wanted to thank Dr. Glasser for the help I have received from reading Unhappy Teenagers. Thanks to this book, my son and I (unlike most moms and teens) have a good relationship! Just last night, for example, we had a good talk about his smoking. I told him I was sorry he had made the choice to smoke, but that if he needed any help quitting that I would do all I could to help him. In the meantime I asked him to do us the favor of smoking only outside the house, and not in front of his little brother, please. He agreed to this and said he was going to try to quit when school was out. I said that sounded like a good idea. This is great! When I was his age my mother raged at me, took my cigarettes out of my purse and told me that girls who smoke look “trashy.” Well, these insults only made me want to smoke more! I tell all of my friends about your book … .thank you so much! June 17, 2002 Dear: Thank you very much for your letter and your positive comments about my new book, * Unhappy Teenagers, A Way for Parents and Teachers to Reach Them. It sounds like the book is making an impact on your family. What you might want to do is pick out a few chapters from the book and have your teenager read them. I’ve had a lot of good feedback from teenagers who have read the book. This way, your son will understand what you are doing. The chapter I like the best is Chapter Four. I realize your son may not have the same problem, but still, it is a good chapter because it addresses how teenagers can really help their parents. To me, that is really one of the better chapters in the book. Thanks again for writing. Cordially- William Glasser, M.D. * Now entitled: For Parents and Teenagers: Dissolving the Barriers Between You and Your Teen

September 27, 2006 Dr. Glasser, I have read your book, “Choice Theory” and “The Unhappy Teenager” and am attempting to apply your concepts to my own children, boy age 12, girl age 9. I believe they are typical children and do not have any out of the ordinary issues (to my knowledge). I also believe in taking responsibility for your actions and understanding with bad choices come bad consequences most of which damage relationships. As a parent, I am also concerned with teaching my kids to be responsible, i.e. You’ve told your 9 yr old, about 100 times to eat all food in the kitchen and she proceeds to take a bowl of ice cream into the family and on Saturday at 6:30am to watch cartoon and spills it all over the carpet. When you talk with her about this, her answer is, “I’m sorry, I forgot”. Maybe a couple hrs in her room helps her remember better? Is this a punishment or teaching her responsibility? Your 12 yr old is an avid computer internet guru (or so he thinks). You’ve told him repeatedly not to click on pop ups or anything that says “FREE” (You’ve already spent about 50 hrs trying to fix this and have had to rebuild and wipe the hard drive twice from this). You’ve explained, at great length to him, why this is a problem and is not a good thing to do. The spyware and adware that can get installed on your computer, that this can slow down and crash the computer, that programs can get all your personnel info. He understands and says, ‘’No problem”. All goes fine for a week or so and then one day as you are walking across the room, you see him at the computer and you watch him reading a huge pop up on the screen that says, “FREE XBOX 360!!!” and you watch him double click on the pop up. You walk up to him and say, “What did you just do?” He looks at you, and says, “but it said free?” Maybe not letting him on the computer for a week will teach him to think a little more before he clicks? Is this a punishment or teaching him responsibility? Your thoughts would be greatly appreciated…

October 10, 2006 Dear: When you teach your children Choice Theory, mention the fact that you have this problem with them and you really don’t want to punish them because you are trying to raise them without punishment. Tell them that you do recognize that you need to remind them that they shouldn’t be doing this. The problem with doing this is if you don’t have a good relationship with them, the kind of relationship that is explained in the book, For Parents and Teenagers, all they remember is the punishment and then you harm the relationship. Raising children is somewhat conflicting. You are in a double bind. You don’t want to do anything to harm the relationship, but you don’t like what they are doing. As far as I can see, this is something you have to figure out for yourself. If they learn Choice Theory and you keep reminding them of Choice Theory when they do things that are wrong, then keep asking them what their Choice Theory response would be. For example, if your daughter says she just doesn’t pay attention about bringing food into the other room, then I think it would be wise to tell your daughter that there are consequences for doing this. But you don’t administer the consequences first. You try to teach the Choice Theory first and then work out what the fair consequences would be. Ask your children if you should just forget about these things and then be angry and then the anger will certainly spill over into the relationship between you and them or should you administer the consequences and then worry about their anger over you? These are the things that are very good to go through your mind, but when you are raising children, the idea is to teach them a new way of life so that they don’t do the things that they are doing. Believe me, they can learn this at their ages, but if you seem anxious to have consequences, then that is not using Choice Theory. I am not criticizing you, but just trying to explain it to you. I’ve raised children myself and for the most part, tried to do it in this way and was quite successful. But if the consequences are first in your mind, it is not going to be successful. Keep teaching them until they catch on. It does take some time.

I am going on too long, but I hope this is helpful. Cordially- Dr. Glasser

“She still needs to get connected with someone. At 19 years old, that’s just the age when people are having difficulty. They’re past childhood, but not yet adults, and it’s a time for many young people to question where they are going.” William Glasser, M.D.

January 6, 2003 Dr. Glasser, Even after reading the book “Unhappy Teenagers,” I am not sure how to start. Over the past 9 months I have gotten better about some of my complaining, nagging, I am still working on blaming, threatening, punishing and rewarding to control. I do not think I am too bad on the criticizing, even though she says I abused her mentally and verbally all her life and her problems are a lot my fault. When I told her I accepted any responsibility for the abuse and apologized and then asked her how long she was going to stay mad at me, and said it was something yes she needed to acknowledge, discuss and start healing, since I cannot change any of my previous actions. After completing your book last night, I asked her what I could do, and she said quit bugging her, I asked her how and she said let her do what she wants to do when she wants to? I asked for some compromise here, and then asked her what else, and she had no other suggestions. I quit nagging her about her bedroom and laundry a month ago. Nothing has changed in that area, but I have not mentioned it but once in the last month other than last night, I told her if she needed by help as I was aware of how overwhelming all her laundry could be I would be glad to help. She said she did not care. How do I determine if that is a yes or no, my gut says it was a yes but I told her if she

wanted my help to tell me. Over the last 10 months and it seems like there is no improvement or certainly not much. She hates school but wants none of the alternatives I have suggested. During school she visits the school counselor daily, her counselor twice a week, and our family counselor once a week. I am at such a loss, and I like your ideas and have written down your 7 habits as a reminder to myself, but at the same time I do not know what to do about the drugs? Anyway, I need some help here, so some reading recommendations is all else I know to do, please. February 3, 2003 Dear: It is extremely hard for me to give you any kind of an accurate comprehensive or useful response to your letter. Obviously, you and your daughter have severe external control problems. She is as much trying to control you as you are trying to control her. Your backing off is excellent, but evidently she wants something more than that from you. She wants a relationship with you in which she doesn’t sense any external control at all. I thought I made that as clear as I could in the book, Unhappy Teenagers, but it is one thing to make it clear and another thing for you to do it. I advise you to try to talk with her, try to spend time with her, listen to what she says, but don’t respond in any way during the conversation, that gives her the external control “no no” which is “I know what is right for you.” I certainly believe you do know what is right for her. You have her best interests at heart, but sending the message that you know what is right for her is what really creates that gap between husband and wife, parent and child, teacher and student, boss and employee and all of the relationships in which there are major gaps. Another thing I would suggest is that your daughter read Unhappy Teenagers too. Give her the book and tell her that this is the book in which many of the things you have done are criticized severely by Dr. Glasser who points out they could be harming her, the relationship and in doing so, also harming you. Ask her if she will read some of the chapters and then talk about them

with you. Tell her you are not saying you are right or that she is wrong, but just want to communicate in a way you will both enjoy. The next book you should read will be in the bookstores in April. It is called Warning, Psychiatry Can be Hazardous to Your Mental Health. It is a book, which teaches Choice Theory to you directly, going beyond the book Choice Theory which is the mother book of all my books. This is the best I can do. Again, be with your daughter, talk with her, but never send her the message that you know what is right for her. That is the deadly message and produces the kind of relationship you are struggling with now. Cordially- Bill

July 22, 2004 Dear Dr. Glasser, I’ve recently read your updated Getting Together and Staying Together, and have found it quite useful. Even so, there’s one large realm in me and my wife’s life that seems largely missing from your discussion. The vast majority of conflict and disagreement we’ve encountered has to do with raising our children. I don’t know whether this should be conceptualized as a sixth “basic need.” But in any case, it has severely divided us. First, we differ in what role our children should play in our lives. While I’m not a traditional father, I nevertheless view children as a byproduct of marriage rather than the purpose of marriage. Thus, I give my relationship with my wife my first priority, with the children very important but nevertheless second in priority. My wife, however, gives our children her first priority, and she resents me for not doing likewise. She also regards my approach as tantamount to being a bad father, even though I do at least half of the child caring, and have extensive interaction with my children. Second, we differ on childrearing strategies. Basically, I regard my wife as being stifling, overprotective, and overindulgent with the children, while she regards me as

being too aloof and focused on rules and boundaries. Having begun to develop our respective “basic needs” profiles, I’m nevertheless struck by how much childrearing is apparently left out of the calculation. On the one hand, it doesn’t seem to figure directly in the need system you’ve devised. On the other hand, our profiles would look different, depending on whether we’re defining ourselves in relation to each other or in relation to our children. For example, my wife would likely score a 2 on “love and belonging” in relation to me, while I’d likely score a 4. But my wife would likely score a 5 on “love and belonging” in relation to our children, while I’d like score a 3. I wonder whether you’ve taken this dimension into account in your more recent thinking and writing. If you have a moment for a quick response, I’d appreciate it. Thank you. August 2, 2004 Dear: Thank you very much for your very clear letter. I read it carefully. Actually, I frequently get letters like yours. Children produce major changes in a marriage. In fact, as I think I explained in the book, the relationship to children, at least for the woman, is genetic. Being attached to their children is probably built into their genetic structure. Perhaps it isn’t bonded, as with animals, but very strong. The marriage relationship is not genetic. The basic needs remain the same whether you are in a marriage or not. It is quite different. How you satisfy them in a marriage is perhaps how you satisfy them with a friend, parent or child. But they are certainly not genetic in terms to a marriage. We have to do the best we can. I think all human beings want to be happy and happiness comes from getting along well with each other. In your situation, once your children came into the picture, you began to not get along well with each other. The only thing you can do is to work with your wife. Recognize that Choice

Theory is the theory of getting along, whether it is in marriage, with children, parents or employers. Choice Theory says that we need to begin to value the relationship over everything else we want. Therefore, in your case there are two relationships, one with your wife and one with your children. It is up to you to decide which one is the most important. But in terms of the children’s happiness, a Catholic priest in Chicago said it well when he said “the best thing that parents can do for their children is love each other.” I believe he was 100% right. Children will even grow smart enough to exploit the differences between how you deal with them and how you deal with each other. They will play favorites among their parents. They will do things to try to persuade the parents to do things for them instead of for each other. It is all very difficult and there is no easy answer, certainly nothing that can be written into a book. In terms of making this a sixth need, that would be up to you. But the sixth need would be our relationship with each other, which must take precedence over the relationship with the children. It is interesting that I just answered a letter to a woman with another problem, but in so many respects similar to yours. I told her that in her particular situation, if the relationship between her and her husband doesn’t take precedence over all other relationships, then her marriage was in serious trouble. People tell me in their letters that they don’t want divorces. Therefore, they have to learn how to get along with the mates they have and those mates have to take precedence over other people who may have intruded into the relationship. I can’t make you or anyone else do this, nor can you. All I can teach is Choice Theory and say that if you put it to work in your relationship with each other, you have a chance to solve the problem that you wrote to me about. If you don’t use Choice Theory, you may solve it, but your chances are much better if you do. I may not have made that clear in the book, because I don’t think I talked that much about children, but it is axiomatic to Choice Theory. We have to make choices and choose which is going to be our primary relationship. If both of you choose the same one, then you will have a good chance for marital happiness. I have tried to make this as clear as I can, but if you try and try and still need

something more from me, feel free to write. I’ll be happy to try again. Cordially- Dr. Glasser Dear: I read your letter with great interest about your belief that the baby was crying because he was so saddened by his own discomfort that he had to express it. I have no problem with that. 1 don’t usually think of it that way, but certainly I think most crying, especially with little babies, is an attempt to get someone to help them. Maybe I should have used the word “help” instead of “control,” but I think small children, especially babies are among the most controlling of all the living creatures on the face of the earth. Not only are human babies this way, but so are animal babies. I think it is built into their brain to want to do this, because without controlling the mother, they just won’t survive. I’m not putting the baby down, I’m just saying it is part of its survival mechanism and when you’re little and upset, you cry. Later, like I said, when the child would be older, he/she would be saddened and not want to do anything to make his mother more uncomfortable. Little babies don’t have that consideration of other people as much as we would like them to have. William Glasser, M.D.

5. EDUCATION “I was tired. I was tired of the endless battles with students, tired of nagging them to turn in homework, tired of the same old cycles of misbehavior, tired of grading depressingly low quality work. Some days, I just wanted to bang my head against the wall. It all seemed so useless and ineffective. As I confront the exhaustion that drove me out of teaching, I am terrified of experiencing it again. If I am going to return and become a more successful teacher, I have to break out of the rut I had buried myself in. I see Glasser’s ideas as a life-saving rope, offered to pull me up and help me to rediscover the joys of teaching which I misplaced somewhere along the way. When I think of those moments of joy, the excitement of teaching well and watching students as the lights go on and they grasp a difficult concept or show-some new creativity and understanding. I know what my goal is: To make those moments happen more frequently and to avoid the exhaustion and depression that I also remember so well.” An educator

May 3, 1999 Laura Doyle C/o Daily News Opinion Woodland Hills, CA 91365-4200 Dear Ms. Doyle: Dr. Glasser read your recent article, “Be Ready to Love Those Angry Teens” which appeared in the Daily News last weekend. He believes that many of your comments are very much in keeping with what he discusses in his 1998 book, Choice Theory, A New Psychology of Personal Freedom. He therefore asked me to forward a copy of the book to you and to let you know that he

would be willing to do an interview with you. The enclosed article, The Littleton Colorado Massacre that appears on our Web site gives a brief synopsis of his idea relative to the Littleton tragedy. Sincerely, Linda S. Harshman, MSW Administrator The Littleton Colorado Massacre Comments by: William Glasser M.D., Psychiatrist President, The William Glasser Institute Focusing on the recent tragedy in Littleton, Colorado, Dr. Glasser states that what happened is nothing new. In his book, Choice Theory (1998, HarperCollins), Dr. Glasser explains that this type of incident is caused by the same problem that is the source of almost all human problems which do not directly result from poverty or physical illness. People are not able to get along well enough with each other to satisfy their basic need for love and belonging. They deal with this frustration in a variety of ways: violence, drug abuse and addiction, sexual misconduct, and mental illness. The best way to describe what is wrong is to understand that these people are disconnected both, at home and at school, from responsible adults. This was obviously the case with The Trenchcoat Mafia, who perpetrated the killing at Columbine High School. They are the extreme products of America’s three huge unsolved problems: Marital, Family and School Failure. The September 10, 1997 issue of the Journal of the American Medical Association includes an article entitled “Protecting Adolescents from Harm” (JAMA. 1997;278:823-832). The most significant finding of this article was: “Parent- family connectedness and perceived school connectedness were protective of every health risk behavior measure except history of pregnancy.” Although the research does not go into how to improve these two important relationships, it does show clearly that this is the direction in which to go. Given the recent events in Littleton, it is clear that it extends

beyond just protecting our adolescents from harm; we need to protect everyone from harm. If we do not improve our relationships, we will have little success in reducing any of these problems. However, this is not only America’s problem-it is a world problem. It is only more extreme here because Americans have far more access to guns and bomb making material than people in most other countries. I believe the underlying problem, as described in my 1998 book, Choice Theory, is External Control Psychology. “When anyone in the world had difficulty getting along with other people, especially at home and in school, almost all people use external control psychology, the only psychology they know, to try to solve the problem.” Basically they try to force the other to behave the way they know is best. When they do this they destroy the very relationships they need. It is this forcing psychology that destroys marriages, families and separates the unsuccessful students from their teachers in school. The seven deadly behaviors associated with this psychology are CRITICIZING, BLAMING, COMPLAINING, NAGGING, THREATENING, PUNISHING AND BRIBING. The only hope for reducing all human problems is to get rid of this psychology. It is a plague on all humanity. Choice Theory is a new Internal Control Psychology that brings people closer together. It teaches to negotiate differences rather than to use the deadly habits above. In doing so we will be able to make progress in getting along better with each other for the first time in recorded history. * On April 20, 1999, the deadliest high school shooting in United States history occurred at Columbine High School in Colorado. Tragically, two senior students murdered twelve students and one teacher. They also injured twenty-four people, before the pair committed suicide. Dear: Thank you very much for your E-mail and your appreciation of my

presentation. It was only a few days later when the situation in Littleton revealed itself to be a horrible example of what students do who are disconnected. We have to get connected with them and when I say “we,” I mean responsible adults connecting with young people. The schools are filled with cliques, as written in all the papers. They connect with themselves, but the one thing absent from all these cliques is a responsible connection with adults who care about them and who the kids care about as well. When this happens, the cliques don’t make that much difference. When it doesn’t happen, the cliques may make all the difference in the world. Coupling disconnection with heavy-duty weaponry is a prescription for disaster. William Glasser, M.D.

“Concerning the Columbine tragedy, I’m still of a mind that what we need is a special person in a school, either full-time or half-time, depending upon the size of the school, to get in touch with the students who are potentially violent. Any student who is behaving differently from what you would expect a student to behave has that potential and needs the contact with this person. This person should be a counselor with the only responsibility being to get acquainted with the students in the school who need help. They’re not hard to find. Teachers know who they are; the students know who they are; and they themselves would come for help if they knew there was a person there. One counselor could probably do it for quite a large school. These are the very special people.” William Glasser, M.D.

April 13, 1994 Dear Dr. Glasser,

The State Education Department recently conducted a study of the problem of violence in our schools. The results of the study were disturbing, but the implications for future action are clear. We need to educate our children about alternatives to violence. In this ongoing attempt to eradicate school violence, The Department is trying to assemble a resource guide for violence prevention. Our aim is to develop and disseminate this guide by the end of this year. In our preliminary literature search, your organization came to our attention as a possible source of information and guidance. We hope that you will share your expertise with us. Your experience will certainly make a valuable contribution to the resource guide. What kind of resources do you have available to us? This critical issue and expansive effort clearly needs the combined efforts of our state-wide community. Thank you very much for your time and cooperation. I look forward to your participation, by mail or phone. May 13, 1994 Dear: I appreciate your interest in my work. I think we would get further if we wouldn’t call the problems in our school “violence” but we would correctly call the problems rebellion against a system that is very punitive. Until we get rid of the punitive system, the violence will continue to escalate. We must substitute a non-punitive supportive system that doesn’t deal with external rewards or punishments, but that develops for each child a chance to get a satisfying education: This is outlined in detail in my books The Quality School and The Quality School Teacher. I would certainly like to see the State Department of Education in New York pay attention too. I’ve been doing a lot of work in New York State recently and will continue to do so. I think it is going to show some results. There are many of my ideas, along with other people’s ideas, being used in the Johnson City Schools. I think you’ll find that even in this relatively poor community there is very little violence in the schools because satisfying education has been the order for the day there for a long period of time. We

need more Johnson City Schools and fewer schools with police walking the corridors. Cordially- William Glasser, M.D. “I really was appreciative of your understanding the importance of changing the system. That is what we changed in Cincinnati. No discipline system has any chance of working. Discipline will just about disappear when you change the system. What little is left can be handled through reality therapy techniques. Always remember the main thought is changing the system.” William Glasser, M.D.

“What is most important is that we all work together and that we all support one another. What we’re all trying to do, regardless of how we try to do it, is to change the system so that the students enjoy going to school and enjoy learning. When they do this, discipline or any other problems, including learning disabilities, seem to disappear.” William Glasser, M.D.

When Dr. Glasser developed the Quality School ideas, he envisioned schools that managed students without coercion. He received many letters asking about discipline problems in schools from school administrators, teachers and designers of discipline programs. The following letters illustrate clearly his position on school discipline programs and are only a few of the numerous letters he wrote in reply to similar questions.

July 28, 1993 Dear Dr. Glasser,

Enclosed please find a copy of a journal article related to the request we are about to make of you. As you will note in the article, we conducted an analysis of the efficacy of school discipline training programs. As part of that research project, we determined which processes each program taught teachers. We are currently updating that study. The results of the current research will be included in a new college text tentatively entitled, Teacher Variance: A Multidisciplinary Approach to School Discipline (Allyn & Bacon) which is expected to be published in 1994. We are also hoping to write a journal article on the subject. Enclosed is a blank process form which we request you use to indicate which processes your program uses to train teachers. We enclose also a set of instructions with examples that may assist you in completing the analysis. We believe that the author of the program is the best person to complete the form to assure us of its validity. We understand that this may be an onerous task. However, your response assures an accurate representation of your program in the book as well as whatever publicity may accrue as a result of the text being adopted by a college. We would appreciate your response to our request within two weeks of the receipt of this correspondence as we are nearing a publication deadline. We enclosed a self-addressed envelope for your convenience in returning the process analysis. As a “thank you” for your time and effort, our publisher has generously allowed us to offer a complimentary copy of the text once it is published. Please call us, if you have any questions regarding this analysis. Thank you for your anticipated support of this study. Sincerely, August 10, 1993 Dear Dr: I appreciate your interest in my work and in my filling out the form for the quality school, but at this stage in my life (and this has been probably been for the past ten or fifteen years) I’m not really interested in school discipline. School discipline is a problem and there are no good ways to solve any

problems in the world. The only good thing to do about problems is to prevent them. The Quality School is an attempt to prevent discipline problems. The schools so far that are adopting the quality school concepts report that discipline problems have been reduced to almost zero. Discipline instances will remain, but they can be handled by the teacher using the techniques which I describe in the book which are basically using reality therapy. I would not want to be included in a text book on discipline because I don’t want my name associated with solving discipline problems. I want it associated with preventing them and The Quality School and my latest book The Quality School Teacher (published this year) certainly address that problem. Thank you for your interest and I hope this explanation clarifies my beliefs. Cordially- William Glasser, M.D.

“Choice Theory is all about meeting your basic needs and not preventing other people from meeting theirs. This is the Choice Theory part of the Quality School. As I have said before, replacing external control with Choice Theory is absolutely vital. In a Quality School, all external control, which destroys relationships in the school between teachers and students, students with each other, teachers and parents and students and parents, is eliminated by substituting Choice Theory. This is perhaps the single most important component of a Quality School. Put Choice Theory to work where external control is working now.” William Glasser, M.D.

September 14, 1995 Dear: What you are doing is something I no longer have any interest in whatsoever

- that is, concerning yourself with discipline problems in school. Certainly, discipline problems could be handled better than they are now which is what your material is leading toward. In that instance, it is reasonably good. I however, don’t believe that we have any solution whatsoever to discipline problems; handling them better or worse. We need to change the school system that is producing the discipline problems because the system doesn’t satisfy the students’ needs. Therefore, I won’t endorse anything that says the word “discipline” on it. I won’t talk about discipline, but will only talk about changing the system. For more information on this idea, you would need to read my books The Quality School and The Control Theory Manager: Those two books explain it best of all. It is not that people don’t want what you are doing. They do very much. They recognize that there are a lot of discipline problems and would like somebody to come along and tell them how to deal with it a little bit better. But in the end, your ideas won’t work. They won’t work because they are still trying to support the old system which is really what is making the problem. It is as if people are falling into a ditch in front of the hospital and finally, the surgeon says, “how come all these broken legs are coming in” and the nurse says, “well, they’re falling into a ditch in front of the hospital” and the surgeon says “well, let’s stop operating for a little bit and go down and fill up the ditch.” That is what we have to do. We can’t figure out better surgical procedures, we have to fill up the ditch. I hope you understand that you should move toward changing the system and not help a bad system to survive by blaming the student. The students who have discipline problems have every right to be upset. The school doesn’t work for them. We can’t change them if we want to succeed - we have to change the schools. I’m sure you are disappointed in this letter because you are a good person with good ideas. But your ideas, in my opinion, are obsolete. Maybe one hundred years ago we had a few discipline problems and we could focus on them, but now we have schools where all the children are out of order. I just worked in one this last year in Cincinnati. No discipline program, yours or anyone else’s would have worked. We changed the system and the problems

disappeared. It was hard work, but it shows that what I’m saying makes good sense. Cordially- William Glasser, M.D.

“I am beginning to be impressed by the fact that as long as punishment is the first thing that people think about when even a little child does something that the teacher thinks is wrong, we’ll never get anywhere. We’ve got to get rid of it completely and substitute getting close for it. In other words, if a child does something to break a rule, the teacher’s choice or consequence to the child for breaking that rule, is the teacher should do everything possible to get close to the child. If we don’t move in that direction, I don’t think we’ll get anywhere at all.” William Glasser, M.D.

May 18, 1998 Paul Lieberman and David Lauter Project Editors, Why Our Schools Are Failing? Los Angeles Times Times Mirror Square Los Angeles, CA 90053 Dear Sirs, I read with great interest almost every word in your recent three-part series on what our present schools are failing to accomplish. As the series did not attempt to include the advice of experts, I wonder if you would be interested in my solution to the problems you so accurately and painstakingly present? I qualify as an educational expert in that schools all over the world are

attempting to use my ideas and you can hardly find a professor of education in the U.S. and Canada who does not spend some time teaching what I believe. As informative as your articles were, they described where education is now and claimed that very little we are now doing, for example, the Ten Schools Project, is showing real results. I agree and also claim that the way we teach now, no matter how adequately staffed with well-trained teachers, be it at Beverly Hills High or at Jordan High, is capable of improving a whole school. Good teachers will continue to do well and poor teachers poorly, nothing will change. I worked personally with four Watts-area elementary schools after the riots from 1966-69 and had good results but what I started disappeared as soon as I left. It’s hard to break with tradition, even if the results are good. My point is that if you revisit the schools you are writing about ten years from now, nothing will have changed. The way we have taught for a century is destructive to what we are trying to accomplish. As your data show, this destruction is cumulative, reaching a peak in middle schools. High schools are better, not because they teach more effectively, but because many failing students drop out well before graduation. It is an axiom that when people get together to try to do something, such as educate children, the success of that endeavor is directly proportional to how well the people involved get along with each other. And I can assure you that if we continue to think the way almost all of us do, teachers and students will not get along any better fifty years from now. Except for the mention of Calexico, where they are inadvertently using some Choice Theory, your series makes no attempt to look at the fundamental problem: The way we teach and administer our schools is destructive to the relationships between teachers and students. You imply that what teachers and are doing now can lead to school improvement; all they have to do is learn to do it better. But, your research clearly shows that this is unlikely to happen. While I have written four books on education, all of which are widely read by teachers and many are used as texts, I want to call your attention to my latest book, Choice Theory, A New Psychology of Personal Freedom

(HarperCollins, 1998), which is enclosed. In it I describe what has to be done to improve the schools and in it I cite schools where Choice Theory has been implemented successfully. One is an inner city middle school in Cincinnati, the worst school I have ever worked in. In the one year we worked in that school, 149 out of 170 students, all of whom had failed, went on to high school by doing the work that was needed to get there. The predicted number for this group was close to zero. When the students were asked, “Why are you working now?” Their consistent answer was, “You care about us.” Beverly Hills Schools are more successful than Watts schools because the students come from homes where education is prized and the students are more motivated. What actually goes on in the classroom is essentially the same. All schools, good and bad, are standing still because the way we approach students has not changed for, at least, a century. No matter how much money we spend, with the exception of reducing class size, which will allow teachers and students to get to know each other better, there will be no further improvement. I would be happy to meet with any of your reporters to explain what needs to be done. If you decide to follow up on this letter, it would help if the person who met with me would read chapters 1-4 and 10. I would also be glad to come down to the Times and explain what I teach to a group of your reporters and answer their questions. By now they should be anxious to hear that there may be an answer to the failure they have described. I enclose a series of articles about how a whole community. Corning, New York, has embarked on a five-year project to teach everyone in the community Choice Theory. Other communities, such as Marietta, Ohio, where I will work this June, are showing great interest and my presentation there on a Choice Theory community has been sold out for months. See Chapter 12, entitled, The Quality Community, in the enclosed book. For further reference, almost all long-term Los Angeles teachers and administrators are familiar with me and most of them would speak favorably of my work. I think you will find my book especially valuable because implementing what I teach costs no more than what we are spending now. And in most instances less, as a Choice Theory school has almost no

discipline problems and there are few students who choose the behaviors now called ADD and ADHD. I look forward to hearing from you. Cordially- William Glasser, M.D. Enclosure: Choice Theory: A New Psychology of Personal Freedom Articles on the Glasser Project, Corning, NY

“As long as schools focus on discipline and ignore the fact that what goes on in the classroom is not satisfying enough for all children who attend, problems will continue. Sometimes they are renamed as learning disabilities such as ADD, but they are the same problems.” William Glasser, M.D.

February 11, 1994 Dr. Glasser, I’ve just finished reading two of your books, The Quality School and The Quality School Teacher and while I loved the information they contained I now have a problem at home with my family! You see, you mentioned on page 6 in The Quality School Teacher, that old habits are hard to break and used the dishwasher example. Well, I’ve quit scrubbing the dishing clean before we wash them… just like you said… now the family is upset that some of them are not as clean as before! NOW, do I need a new dishwasher or a new book? Seriously, I’m a parent who’s been trying for the past four years to work with our schools to help my kids (and others too) achieve a better quality education. I retired from the U.S. Air Force in October 1989 and became Mr. Mom and college student. After years of education and training I finally pulled together over 200 hours of college, took some more and got my BS in

Logistics Management. I am familiar with Total Quality Management principles, psychology, organizational behavior and many other useful philosophies which could be used in education. My frustrations have centered around the tremendous resource parents offer the schools which they are reluctant to take advantage of. More so than ever before in our history, parents are better educated, better trained and willing to work with the schools. Many have the time and energy to help forge a true partnership with our schools and in the process, help public education better meet the needs of our children. Your books I assume, were aimed at school boards, administrators and staff and made little mention of the parent part of this education equation. I was a little disappointed in that. While most school districts talk about parent involvement, little is done at the classroom level to make that happen. Education is a continuous process that doesn’t begin and end when the school bell rings. The process takes place through all waking hours. Parents are there with their children for many more hours than a teacher ever could or should be and we need some of your excellent guidance on how to help this process along. If you are still in the business of writing books about education, please consider the parent’s point of view and your opinion of their involvement. It shouldn’t be a battle, us against them. It should be a strong bonding with the aim to provide the best quality education we can for our children. Parent support is probably the most important aspect of this educational maze. If we are lucky, our kids will advance in grade from year to year. If education reform is to happen and we hope to save public education, we need to educate the parents on Quality Schools and Quality Teachers… maybe a book on Quality Education for your Child? Parents can and do make a difference but, only if they know about and understand quality learning… the right way to do it. Your books have given me hope for the future. Thank you. March 10, 1994

Dear: I haven’t written much about parents, but they are certainly deeply involved in all of our schools that are trying to become quality schools. I don’t know if I’ll write a book specifically for parents, but I’ll certainly encourage all of our schools to continue working with them because they can be an important influence in a school. I do mention them in The Quality School Teacher as being educational assets in the classroom. I think that is how they have to be used and not just be coming to the school to keep records or watch kids, but actually get involved in the tutoring, teaching and the evaluating process as I explained in the book. As far as the dishwasher is concerned, you have to get a new one or you need soft water or very hot water. I can put dirty dishes that are all crusty and have been lying around for quite a while into my dishwasher and they come out sparkling clean. If you buy a new dishwasher and it still doesn’t clean the crusty dishes, then I really would advise you to get a hold of a new book. That is the only thing that could possibly work. Cordially- William Glasser, M.D.

“I’m presently involved with an inner city school in Cincinnati and even in these first few weeks I’ve been on campus, the number of referrals to the office for student misbehavior has dwindled into almost insignificance. Last year these same kinds of referrals were pouring out of the office into the hallway. We use the ideas in The Quality School and The Quality School Teacher which are based on the Control Theory and the book Control Theory.” William Glasser, M.D.

February 16, 2002 Dr. Glasser,

I am an adult student at National-Louis University in Chicago studying to be a middle school math teacher and have just read 2 of your books: Choice Theory and The Quality School. It is part of a paper I am writing for a course called The History and Philosophy of Education. Can you please let me know what triggered your strong interest in education? I read that you did work in Watts during the 1960’s, in Palo Alto schools, and in a reform school for women convicted of crimes. However, neither book indicated what sparked your interest. Thank you very much. March 4, 2002 Dear: I’m interested in mental health and that is what sparked my interest in education. I’m now writing a book on mental health. As far as I can tell, there isn’t any work in our society in the area of mental health. People don’t even know what mental health is. I equate mental health to happiness. I’ve seen many young people unhappy in school. If they are going to get started toward a mentally healthy life, they have to succeed in school. This is the proposition behind the ideas in my latest book Every Student Can Succeed. If every student begins to succeed in school, as I believe they can, then we’ll have a mentally healthy place for kids to start. I believe most students can succeed in school with the exception of a very small number, like one tenth of one percent. They have something wrong with their brains so they can’t do the schoolwork we ask them to do to succeed. We can’t count on the student’s homes being mentally healthy. They are variable and we have no control over this. But if we bring this child to school and convince him that we care about him and teach him in a way I suggest in my books, so that he does succeed and likes the school, there is research to show that he will maintain his mental health even if his home is deficient. I believe that research is cited in my book Choice Theory in the introduction somewhere. It is the JAMA research project published in the September 10,

1997 issue. It is called Protecting Adolescents from Harm. Cordially- William Glasser, M.D.

“The new book title, unfortunately for you, has been changed. We talked to a lot of teachers and many of them said that if a teacher sees a book entitled “Would You Consider Changing the Way You Teach?” their answer would be “I won’t consider it, I teach just fine right now.” We changed the title to “Every Student Can Succeed.” It’s a very accurate title and when you read the book you’ll see how accurate it is. As far as your feelings about marriage and family and school, I don’t think families would fail if the marriages were successful. I think an unsuccessful marriage is at the heart of a failing family. I think an unsuccessful marriage is at the heart of a lot of school failure but I’ve had a lot of success with students with very dysfunctional families, if the school can provide a successful educational experience. That’s my thesis and that’s why I stick to the idea that there are two things we can really fix if we want to by putting Choice Theory to work in both instances: school failure and marriage failure. If the family fails when the marriage is good, well, I’ll worry about that when it happens.” William Glasser, M.D.

June 3, 2000 William Glasser, I am a first year teacher and I am attending graduate school to obtain a Master’s in Teaching (M.A. T.). I recently read a couple of your books— Reality Therapy and The Quality School (revised). I have a few questions that I would like for you to address so that I can share the information with my classmates and instructors. I really would like to know how you feel

about phoning parents in the year 2000 and beyond considering the recent wave of extreme school violence. If a child is withdrawn or makes threats, do you still try to handle the situation without calling home? Many of my classmates and my mother do not understand why the parents should not be informed. I would also like to know how you suggest initiating the quality learning concept into an established district. Presently, my district is not very good with discipline. The students run wild, curse, fight, and deface school property. I even had two altercations with students who tried to fight me. Neither one of them went to a detention center. Now personally that’s not what I wanted. But I did want them to have some type of relevant consequence so they could understand the severity of their actions. In those situations I am fairly pleased with the outcome. I do however still have problems with students who are allowed to curse you out and still come back to class that same class period or day. Any enlightenment on the area of discipline you can give would be greatly appreciated. Thanking you in advance, June 16, 2000 Dear: You’re in a very tough situation and what we teach at the William Glasser Institute would be very important to you. We have people all over the United States who instruct in our ideas, and if you would provide us with a mailing address, we can send you an information packet. You should also read two books: the first is “Choice Theory: A New Psychology of Personal Freedom” (1998 HarperCollins) and the second is “Reality Therapy in Action” (2000, HarperCollins). These books will explain how the world’s psychology, which I call external control psychology and which certainly your life in your school is filled with, is destructive to the relationships you’re trying to create. That psychology is doing all the harm that you see all around you where you’re attempting to teach. That’s in “Choice Theory.” “Reality Therapy in Action” gives human insight into how to deal with these problems, especially Chapter 5, with a boy named Jeff. I believe that unless you learn more about Choice Theory and reality therapy, you’re going to have a very difficult time.

The only thing you can do to reduce the discipline problems is to get some sort of relationship going with the students in your class. Anything else, especially attempting to punish or teach them the consequences of their actions, only makes things worse. They know the consequences of their actions. They don’t care. They’re lives are so bleak that it doesn’t really make any difference. They desperately need people and maybe you can be a person for them. That’s your job, difficult as it may be. It’s all that will work. Cordially- William Glasser, M.D.

“What people find hard to understand is that I come up with the ideas and I test them in practice, teach them to others and they seem to work amazingly well.” William Glasser, M.D.

January 6, 1999 Dr. Glasser: I just read your book a second time, and so many things resonated with me that did not when I was first introduced to it by my principal in September. To back up a bit, I have taught art for 23 years, the past 11 in high school. I developed asthma and severe allergies to many art substances, and had to leave. I remained in the same school system, and was able to replace a sixth grade classroom teacher who left. While I do enjoy teaching, I miss being in the art room, and having read your book a second time, I realize why. I was more of a quality teacher in the art room than I am in the classroom! I am really having difficulty making the transition. In art, I had the students self assess all of the time, and it seemed easier. When I try to do the same with my “new” students, it seems to fall flat. I am really at a loss, and am feeling very frustrated. I was a very good art teacher…. and I want to be a very good (quality) classroom teacher. I am wondering if you have ever addressed this

in any of your studies or writing … teachers totally shifting gears, and how they deal with it. I feel it boils down to this … in art, I was able to be more of a friend or mentor to my students … there wasn’t as much pressure. As a classroom teacher … now doing the “important” subjects, I feel like they look at me as the enemy. Can you help me? I would appreciate any help. The book is wonderful, but I am finding it difficult to put into practice what I highlighted and cheered the night before at home. Sincerely, January 16, 1999 Dear: I read your E-mail carefully and I think you’re running into a very common situation. The art classroom is highly conducive to what I am suggesting in all of my books and the regular classroom should be just as conducive. However, if we use too much external control, which you may feel you are forced to use, then the results will be just about what you suggested. Your real skill is to try to get close to these students, and to convince them that you are a friend, not the enemy. To do that, you should follow everything in my books and it should work out quite well. You should read the books, The Quality School, The Quality School Teacher, and Choice Theory: A New Psychology of Personal Freedom. Those three books have it all. After you’ve read them, ask yourself, “If I do or say anything to these students right now, will we stay closer, or will we be driven further apart? The more you externally control them the more they drive apart. There is no way around it. They won’t learn until they really care for you and what they’re being asked to learn; and you cannot get that in an external control environment, which is why you’re running into trouble. I’m not saying you’re not trying to use Choice Theory, but you have to give it a lot of thought and perhaps try to use it a little more effectively. The main thing is to keep talking with your students. Keep communicating with them and talk with them all day long about anything that they’re doing or should

do. Talk with them about anything that will get the idea that you and they are friends that enjoy talking to each other. This is all in the books, but if you’re interested in taking some training, our Institute provides it all over the country and certainly could provide it where you are as well. Cordially- Dr. Glasser

“Your real skill is to try to get close to these students, and to convince them that you are a friend, not the enemy.” William Glasser, M.D.

Dear Dr. Glasser, My first training with Choice Theory was 24 years ago in the College of Teaching at University of South Florida. Choice Theory influenced the way I teach and the relationships I have with my Students. It erased the background noise of where children came from and what challenges those students may face in their home environment. It truly reframed the picture to focus on the relationship between my students and me, with specific tools and strategies to instill accountability and build intrinsic motivation. I was surprised by how much the training changed MY life. It changed my whole life. Every person has their own set of life circumstances that they grew up with. Choice Theory gave me the tools to set boundaries and be in control of my life. I began to examine my Deadly Habits and replace them with effective tools. Using the Caring Habits enabled me to create fulfilling and lasting relationships in my life that gave me a great sense of belonging. I became happier and more successful in both my professional and personal life. Recently, I had the opportunity to go through the Glasser Training using the online course- Choice Theory in the Classroom: Where Every Student Can Succeed. I was excited to see how I would apply the training looking through

a new set of eyes. I am now a writer, a teacher, a wife, and a mother of two teenage sons. As I worked through the training, it has new meaning and I am making different connections. I have forgotten some of my tools and I am working to restore them. The video lessons in each section bring meaning to what I am reading. The journal and reflections help me connect my world and apply Choice Theory and the Glasser model to both my personal life and teaching profession. Some things have become so ingrained into my teaching and personal life; it is exciting to remember that I began this change in behavior with Glasser Training many years ago. My two favorite things that I took from the training are, “Every person has a gift,” and, “Fair is when everyone gets what they need.” Choice Theory made tremendous impact in my life and gave me the tools and freedom to live and teach in my “quality world.” Thank you William Glasser!

April 6, 1997 Dear Dr. Glasser: I recently attended your presentation on Choice Theory given at West High school in Corning, New York. I have read a few of your books and am a strong believer as well as practitioner of CT for more than 10 years. The reason that I am writing is twofold. First, I disagree with the statement that you made about failing children. As I recall it, you said (approximately), the worst thing that we can do is to fail a child. I am not completely sure what you had in mind, but the way that I interpreted your remark is that students fail because teachers fail them. Although such a practice probably occurs, students fail for many different reasons. Research has shown that only two things contribute to student learning; good teaching and good tutoring. Unfortunately, the research left out an important variable in the equation: intrinsic motivation. My question to you is, ‘’What do we do with the students who choose to not do the work?” In this area, about ninety percent of a typical class is made up of students who are

motivated with relatively little effort on the part of the teacher. The other ten percent have their feet firmly planted in the sand and make the conscious choice to do either little or nothing to contribute to a successful learning experience. And why? In my opinion, the two major contributing factors to students making inappropriate choices are: 1) their home environment, and 2) the lack of suitable alternative choices for activities in their after-school environments. Which brings me to my second issue with your presentation. In your remarks you stated that Skinner was “wrong” about SR theory. I would prefer to say that his work was incomplete. What Skinner left out was responses resulting from intrinsic motivators which, in the case of successful students, can develop as a result of many factors. Therefore, my question to you is, if for the purpose of this discussion only we can say that students fail because they choose to fail, what can we do to get them to make the appropriate choices so that they do not fail? When we consider the many factors which contribute to their learning attitudes, including the so-called baggage which they bring with them to school, the task seems daunting and I suspect that there are no easy answers. The last topic that I would like to address is about a consolidated theory on the psychology of learning. The word intelligence has been used differently depending on context, but each of the following psychologists contributes to the psychology of learning in a significant, but not consolidated manner. By combining the elements of cognitive and behavioral psychology in the right proportions, an individual is able to make appropriate choices from the pictures that they have in their minds of the world around them and how they fit into those pictures. In conclusion, I thoroughly enjoyed your presentation and look forward to your comments. Sincerely yours, April 22, 1997

Dear: I appreciate your thoughtful letter and I’ll try to answer it as best I can in the brief time I have available now. First of all, I wasn’t really able to make a very good presentation. The only way I could reach the teachers was to sit in the center, otherwise they would have been a mile from me in that large room. I certainly did the best I could by circling around and answering questions. But like you, it is very hard for anybody, in a short presentation like this, to really grasp what I am trying to say. I’m not saying you haven’t grasped it, but there is some depth to it that I think still eludes a lot of people - for example, my statement that failure is a very destructive and even abusive thing to do to a child. The child doesn’t elect to go to school, but has to go or is punished severely. The child does not elect what he or she is taking. He forced into the whole operation. The fact that 90 % of students work agreeably to try to get an education in this forced situation, certainly speaks well for what we are forcing them to do. For the other 10%, if my theory is correct, the only way that they have any chance to get involved in what we ask them to do is by really working to make a good relationship with them. Obviously, what we’ve presented hasn’t moved them. They have to like us. That is the only way I can figure out. If they don’t like us, there is very little chance, at the high school level, that they will see the value of what we are asking them to do. It could happen, but not to the kind of student you are talking about. If, however, they don’t like us and they don’t want to do the work, I still think we have an obligation not to fail them. It is very clear that we should tell them that they attended classes, but did not do the work, and therefore cannot receive credit. We also have an obligation to tell them exactly what they have to do to get credit for the course. They can do it now during the course, or later while repeating the course, in the summer or perhaps even work out a way to do it at home. But these are the things they have to do to pass this course. When they do, they’ll get credit. Until that time, opposite the course designation on their report card, nothing will be recorded. It is as if they weren’t there, which in fact, from a learning standpoint, they were not.

This is different from failure. This is more like saying “keep trying - maybe you can make it!” If you set out to drive from Corning to New York City and you didn’t get there, then you didn’t get there. But no one along the way will say you failed New York City, or will beat you up or threaten you or do anything else to you because you didn’t get there. That is unnecessary, excessive and cruel. As far as Skinner being wrong about stimulus/response theory, if you want to say his work was incomplete, that is fine with me. He did a lot of work, but he was on the wrong track. He thought we are externally motivated. I think we are internally motivated. I don’t think there is any way to compromise these differences. If he had lived longer and gotten internal motivation, then I would have no disagreement with him. I really don’t want to hammer Skinner as it is unimportant. What I want to say is that I believe in Choice Theory. I hope you will be one of the readers of my new book when it comes out in about 6 or 7 months. The answer to both of your questions I believe will be remarkably clear in that book. As far as a consolidated theory of psychology, I appreciate your putting me in the center, but I don’t know if we could consolidate all of these people. I don’t know their ideas well enough to comment on your answer. Truthfully, I know a little bit about psychoanalytic theory, a little about a few other theorists like Albert Ellis (and these are psychotherapy theories), but nothing much about Kohlberg, Sternberg, Goleman, or Gardner. I know a little bit about Gardner. I know he talks about multiple intelligences. I hate to call them intelligences because I don’t think anyone knows what intelligence is we’re not even close to understanding what that is. I would call them multiple talents because I think we certainly know what talented people can do and we certainly differ in our talents. Thanks again for interest. I hope this gives you some indication that I read your letter carefully and responded to it. Cordially- William Glasser, M.D.

“Repeating the year is not punishment, but what happens to anyone who hasn’t completed the work. If you set out to mow the lawn and you don’t mow it completely, then you have to keep mowing it until it is done, whether it takes another day or another week. Otherwise you wouldn’t get paid for the job. This is the same with the students who wouldn’t get credit for unfinished assignments. It is very simple and clear.” William Glasser, M.D.

January 3, 1996 Dear Dr. Glasser: You write that you believe that turnabout is fair play and you delight in having it applied to your own self. Well, I have read what you have written, having just read “Control Theory” and I’m presently finishing The Quality School and now, since I’ve enclosed it herewith, you can read what I’ve written. You have taught me a great deal by writing your books and I thank you very much for it. January 31, 1996 Dear: Since you’ve read my books, I felt it was only right for me to read your paper. I read it about three weeks ago, but I still pretty much remember what was in it. The only point I had of disagreement is a point of emphasis rather than total disagreement. You talked about the value of memorizing. Personally, I think that memorizing is almost totally worthless unless you are going to use what you memorize. In school we memorize useless things. As an example, I think it is very important to emphasize that if you are going to ask kids to memorize the date of 1492, then they ought to know the context of which that date appears in history, what it signified and what effect it had on the people in the old world and the new world. But students shouldn’t be asked to just know the date 1492. The date itself is immaterial and it might

not even be correct. For all we know, he might have landed in 1493 or 1494. Things weren’t accurate in those days. But we do know what it signified and that is what students should be taught in school. Therefore, I think the people who teach wrongly will say “aha, Gregory Wood says we ought to give kids a lot to memorize”. I think that is the only thing I’d really take exception with the fact that it made it seem as if memorization (even though you said it didn’t) in and in itself, was something of value. That doesn’t mean you can’t suggest that kids memorize things like poems or lines from Shakespeare. I remembered the last paragraph of Lincoln’s Second Inaugural Address which I learned in the 8th grade and still haven’t forgotten because it was so beautiful. That is up to the teacher to encourage an appreciation of things - not force children to memorize things they really don’t want to see any beauty in and then punish them for not learning them. Even in medical school (and I went to a good medical school) we didn’t have to memorize anything for the sake of memorizing it. If we learned what a muscle, nerve or disease was, then we learned its context in medicine. We learned what part it was in the body and how it worked with other parts and how that disease was treated - all of the things about it. So, it wasn’t memorizing things. You learned things because you used them. Well, that’s enough for now. I do appreciate your sending this to me. Cordially- William Glasser, M.D.

December 4, 1996 Dear: Thank you very much for your letter. I understand your problem. I still think, however, that you can use Choice Theory and the ideas in The Quality School and The Quality School Teacher in your classroom and get good results. Then you wouldn’t have to concern yourself so much with what you are being forced to do. The idea of forcing the children to take the three tests has some merit. Schools are under

tremendous pressure to perform and if children could do well on these standard tests, it would make it easier for you to pursue what you are trying to do in your classroom. I suggest you make the taking of these practice tests into a game. Even if it takes a lot of classroom time, it is a game I think is worth playing. Tell the class that they are going to take these tests but they are going to be different from any other test they’ve ever taken. Tell them everyone will take the test and everyone will get 100 %. You can set up teams and have the teams discuss each answer and work on what the right answer would be and why. Ultimately, go through the three tests (or if you don’t want to do all three, you could just do the first test three times). The main thing is that every child achieve a correct answer on every question and understand why. This wouldn’t be a bad learning experience. These tests are not the world’s worst tests. What is bad is how they are forced upon the students. If you can make them into a game and the kids get the idea that they can pass these tests and really know every single question, when they take the real test later on, they’ll do much better on it. You’ll be congratulated, the kids will have had some fun, and some learning will have taken place. Unfortunately, we can’t go against the whole system. But we can use the system so it most benefits our students. No one would really object to that. You don’t really need to tell anyone what you’re doing - just do it. When it works out well, you could tell them afterwards. I really don’t know if there are other schools in your area that are using my ideas. You might look around on your own. If there are, they might be very interested in hiring a teacher who would like to teach along the quality school ideas. I hope this helps. Cordially- William Glasser, M.D.

Dear: I appreciate that you are a fan of mine and that you enjoy my work. I also

appreciate your letter about mental math, pencil math and problem solving. The only area where I disagree is that we should first present the students with the problems that need the mental math and the calculation to solve. A lot of people use mental math. I use it every day. It is much easier for me to know simple mental math when I’ve got a problem, but I never use it unless I have a problem. If the problems get very complicated and can’t easily be done with mental math, then we can use a calculator. On the problem sheet you gave me, very few students could do all of the problems without a calculator or without memorizing something. For example, they could memorize “how many cubic feet in a yard” and be taught the value of knowing this. However, the way to persuade students to appreciate the need for using the calculator or for using the mental math, is to present them with problems and show them that knowing the mental math, knowing the facts like how many cubic feet are in a yard, or using a calculator, makes it easier and more accurate. On problem nineteen, you ask the students to cancel out 5/18ths, 13/10ths and 9/26ths. I’m in support of teaching students to do this, but first I want to teach them that these are the kinds of problems they’ll run across to do it. I challenge you to find a problem in the real world that people need to solve that comes close to using that calculation. You can live the rest of your life and you’ll never use the fraction 9/26ths. I’m not saying students shouldn’t learn it, but to spend a great deal of time figuring out things that they’ll never use, and then failing the students who won’t learn it (most of whom will be minority students or students from homes where there is little or no education) only makes things worse. This leads to populating our prisons which are already bulging with people who have given up on school altogether. There are so many things in school that we ask students to learn which are not worth learning. I refer to this as schooling. I seem to be having a rough time getting this across. So, first give them the problems so they see what is needed. You can’t do the kind of math you have on that sheet enthusiastically unless you are the child of parents who themselves did that kind of math and are on good terms with those parents and also with the teacher. Many students aren’t.

They won’t do it. They will fail school and end up either dependent upon us or in jail. The reason Isaac Newton created calculus was not because he wanted a new math, but because using the old math, algebra, he couldn’t solve the problems he was continually faced with. Newton did it the right way. Our schools are doing it the wrong way. Give the students the problems and then they’ll see the situations when they need to use calculators and/or the memorization of certain math facts. I would say that the majority of what is called math in today’s schools, which is calculation or manipulating mathematical things like factoring, etc., will never be presented to the student in their whole school career with an actual real story math problem that uses what they are being asked to do. This is a terrible mistake. Cordially- William Glasser, M.D.

June 3, 2005 Hello. I’m just beginning to read through “Every Student Can Succeed” and I have several questions. I hope to be able to present this information to my administrator, so I would like to be able to field any questions he or some of my colleagues may have. Should I ask you or is there someone else that I should ask? Would you like a mass question list or questions a little at a time? If a teacher is beginning to use Glasser’s philosophy, yet a student does not get an “A” or “B” on several items or objectives at the end of the school year, how is that handled in a high school that has not yet adapted Glasser’s ideas? Do the student & teacher stay after school to work together to build competence? Is the student put into summer school with the teacher and they work together to build competence? Thank you for your time. June 16, 2005

Dear: Most of the people who write me about my book, Every Student Can Succeed ask the same question, which is what can you do if the students don’t do the necessary work to get either an A or B. Some schools have reduced the minimum grade requirement to a C, but I still think a B is more appropriate. To answer your question, you need to start out by telling the students immediately that you really want all of the work done at a B level or better. If they need help, you will try to find a student who will help them or perhaps you could help them yourself. Tell them they need to get a B to receive credit. Most students understand credit. They also understand that the work really isn’t that hard. In our experience now, with quite a few Glasser Quality Schools, the question just never seriously comes up. A few students will test it for one year and in that year they can either go ahead or stay where they are. However, they won’t receive credit until they bring their schoolwork up to the B level. Most of the time these students are just testing to find out if you are serious. But it doesn’t present a very large problem. If the teachers teach this, the principal and the parents support it, the students should have little difficulty working at the level of 80%. As I explained in the book, why should we give students a good grade for incompetent work? There is no place else in the world that does this. You can point that out to your students. For example, if they went to the store and didn’t have enough money to buy what they wanted, they wouldn’t be able to open up the package and just eat part of it. The schoolwork is given in blocks. Tests are taken and if the students don’t pass, then they will continue to work on it until they do pass it at a level of competence. There is no chance for failure or low grades. If the students can’t complete the course with competence, basically they will have to repeat the course. Well, knowing this, the students decide that competence is a good idea. I know that this is a long answer to your question, but I want you to know that from our experience, this is not a problem. In fact, if you follow the instructions in the book, you will find that there are very few problems in

school. Since you are in Belton, Missouri, perhaps you could drive north to Michigan and visit The Grand Traverse Academy in Traverse City, Michigan. This is our largest and one of the more successful Glasser Quality Schools. There are other successful schools too, but this school is perhaps our flagship school. This is the very first Quality School, which is still in operation almost twelve years later. I hope that your principal listens. Perhaps you could talk it over with the students and their parents and see if they want to try it. This way you could test it out and see if it works. I hope this helps you. Cordially- William Glasser, M.D.

March 15, 1996 Dear: The questions in your letter are not so difficult, so I’ll answer them now. 1) The students are the workers and to some extent, also the products of the school. In many cases, a worker is a product. For example, a chef is a worker, but he is also the product in that the increasing skill of being a chef is the product of his career of being a worker. He is not the same chef, but an increasingly skillful chef. So, you could say that workers are always products of the system. 2) The customers perhaps are the parents or the taxpayers of the country in general. The better educated the student, the more the customer is getting a return on his investment in buying the student product. 3) Don’t worry about statistics with Deming. We changed the system in an inner- city school in Cincinnati. 147 students went on to high school and the previous prediction was that none of these students would ever get to

high school. We did this in one year. That is the kind of statistics that count. In a quality school in Michigan, the state test scores went up to 100% and 97.6% respectively in reading and math. That is a statistic that happens when you change the system from a boss-driven to a leadmanaged system. 4) All you can do is present it, talk about it and ask them to read the book and show them results from doing it within your own class if you are allowed to. You can’t stimulus/response a person into your way of thinking. All we can do is present ideas. The Arabs and the Jews will never force each other to live together. They can just keep presenting the ideas and working at it and trying to do it in face of the stimulus/response killing that is going on all over. It is difficult, but there is no other way. 5) A Quality School has no disciplinary problems. When a school has no disciplinary problems and no vandalism, it saves money. In a Quality School, all students are doing competent work which reduces the need for extra tutors and teachers. In a Quality School, when it is working properly, there are no learning disabilities. This also saves a lot of money. 6) There may be some schools who are trying to get involved with The Malcolm Baldridge Award. Personally, I think the Baldridge Award is stimulus/response psychology and I have no real interest in it. 7) The school closest to you is the Huntington Woods Elementary School in Wyoming, Michigan. Get a hold of the December, 1995 issue of the NEA Today magazine. You will see a description of this school. That is the first Quality School in the United States. I hope you follow through and are able to use these ideas. It sounds pretty helpless where you are, but on the other hand, so much needs to be done that even a little bit would be a great help. I hope to see you at a certification week sometime in the next several years. Cordially- William Glasser, M.D.

November 24, 1993 Dear: I’m sorry that you were disappointed that my book referred to principals contacting me, but I said that because mostly that’s been my experience. To try to do this in the school without your principal’s support is very hard. If on the other hand you are able to do it, as you seem to be, more power to you. Don’t pay any attention to the part of my book that says you need a principal, because obviously you’re doing it without him or her. As far as the stimulus response system of punishment, maybe you need that to get started. But as soon as possible, I would read my book carefully and stop advising your teachers that punishment is needed. Start working on the idea that we care for you and that we can work out our problems without punishment. I even advise schools to put up a sign saying all problems can be worked out without anyone hurting anyone else. The whole thing is based on the Control Theory that what we do is not caused by external punishment or even rewards. It’s done because it’s satisfying us which means satisfying one of our basic needs. As far as your gang behavior, it is the same thing. As hard as it is (and many New York schools have accomplished this), you have to make the school good enough so that the gang people at least give up their gang activities in the school. You can’t expect them to give it up outside the school but in the school they will, if they see that they’re cared for and that the school is satisfying some of their needs. You have to explain to them that what we’re asking you to learn is really helpful to you. Treat them well, don’t threaten them, but insist that they do follow the school rules. Cordially- William Glasser, M.D. “The idea that we have to punish students for misbehavior and that will correct their misbehavior is about the most deficient idea available in the world. Glasser Quality Schools work without punishment, without low grades and by teaching all the students Choice Theory. They work by creating marvelous relationships between the students, parents and staff. You won’t get that from most university professors. They are stuck in the old model, which is the external control model. I

have moved to the Choice Theory model, both in the schools and everywhere else in my life.” William Glasser, M.D.

November 15, 1994 Dear: The statement that I said something like what you quoted in your letter to The Minnesota Governors Convention on Total Quality Management is totally and completely false. Never in my life have I said anything about firing teachers and never have I mentioned firing teachers for the values I teach or anything else they do. What I talked about is covered completely in my books The Quality School and The Quality School Teacher. There is not a thing in either of those books that would offend any Christian person, Jewish person or any Muslim person. I do not favor Outcome-Based Education. The quality schools do not teach values and certainly I do not ascribe to any state approved values, school approved values, or community approved values. I ascribe only to the values of individual people and their families. You can state what I’m saying here to anyone. Put it in writing and I’ll defend it to the end. I’ve never done any of the things I’m accused of. It is amazing to me that some of the fundamentalist people who seem to be against me aren’t on my side as I essentially believe in many of the things they do. I want children to have a good basic education. My curriculum in a quality school is speaking, listening, reading, writing and academic problem solving. Nothing else is stressed in a quality school as is clearly stated in The Quality School Teacher. Thank you very much for your interest in my ideas. I hope you set the record straight. Cordially- William Glasser, M.D.

“I don’t really rely on rewards to motivate a child. If the child achieves something significant, a pat on the back can be very significant for him or her. She may need lots of pats on the back whether she is doing what you want her to do or not. That is how you will gain a good relationship with her. If you tie your relationship with her to what she does, then in a certain sense you are trying to control her. Everybody, including small children, try to escape control.” William Glasser, M.D.

“I agree with you-children want to learn- it’s really hard not to learn. It’s just hard to learn the things that don’t interest the children and have no use in the real world. If you’ve read my book, “Choice Theory,” I call those ideas “schooling.” Schooling is what we demand from children and punish them for not doing it.” William Glasser, M.D.

“In terms of the word “schooling,” I feel teachers will object to that word, but it is an exceedingly accurate word and I think teachers can appreciate that it is much different from “education.” Education is using knowledge; schooling is acquiring knowledge. People don’t school in the real world. This is why I call it schooling. In the real world, people work, and they do useful work.” William Glasser, M.D.

“Very few children are so unintelligent that they can’t do the schoolwork. That is almost non-existent.” William Glasser, M.D.

August 2, 1999 Dear: I certainly appreciate your letter and your enjoyment of our training. As far as your question, I don’t want to get into a long discussion about learning disabilities, but I do believe that there are no disabilities. I believe that people have learning differences and that if we deal with their learning differences in a way that they put what they want to learn into their quality world, they will learn, although certainly we don’t all learn the same way and we don’t have exactly the same brain function. I think that to say that these children have brain damage or to say there is something wrong with their brains does them a great disservice. We don’t consider a child to have brain difficulty who is not athletic. We just say that he/she approaches athletic events somewhat differently from a gifted athlete. You get into the field of saying that people have disabilities and various kinds of brain difficulties, but I just don’t believe it. Think of the children you’ve taught successfully who have been labeled learning disabled. You didn’t do anything at all to their brain. You just found a way to reach them as a person and kind of help them and guide them to a pathway on which they could learn. If they had brain damage like a cerebral palsy child, you could help them a little bit, but you certainly couldn’t make the dramatic progress that you’ make’ with some of these children. In the first “quality school” in Huntington Woods, Michigan, out of 341 children none of them show any signs of being learning disabled. They are in a highly need-satisfying school in which they have the pictures of the school work, school teachers, the principal and the school in their quality worlds. They may learn differently, but they are all learning. They lost $34,000 in Federal Funds because there are no longer any diagnosable children. There used to be. In a school of 341 students, you certainly expect there would be under normal circumstances, but give them a need-satisfying school and caring teachers, and the disabilities have disappeared. This may be hard for you to comprehend, but think of the children you succeeded with. You didn’t

change their brains, but you found a way they could learn with the brains that they had. My secretary will list the address and phone number of the principal of the Huntington Woods School at the bottom of this letter. If you would like to discuss this idea further, please be in touch with her. I certainly appreciate hearing from you. Cordially- William Glasser, M.D.

Dear: Firstly, I don’t believe that there are any mental defects in what is called learning disabilities. I think their brains are intact. Somehow or another, because their brains are different, they process things differently, attend to things differently and are certainly interested in different things. I personally believe that these are alternative choices and since I believe almost all behaviors are choices, I deal with them as such. In some of the schools that we are working with, they see that when the students become involved in need-satisfying school situations, the learning disabilities drop off. That has always been my own experience and I continue to believe it. I would suggest that you get a hold of the February 15, 1995 issue of Education Week. It is published in the United States, but I’m sure it is available in Canada. The commentary on the back is the best description of learning disabilities, how people deal with them and what they are, that I’ve read so far. It is really well worth reading. William Glasser, M.D.

6. ADDICTIONS “That is why Alcoholics Anonymous works. AA is filled with people who are disconnected from the people they need to be happy. They drink to get pleasure, but it is not the pleasure associated with the happiness they find connecting with the people in AA.” William Glasser, M.D.

July 12, 1999 Dr. William Glasser: Hi. I’m writing an article for an American fitness magazine about individuals who overcome substance addictions by switching to an exercise-based lifestyle. I would like to ask you two questions in regard to this subject: 1) What is the difference between a negative addiction and a positive one? 2) Why are positive addictions like exercise so effective in breaking negative addiction patterns? Thank you for your time. Respectfully, July 28, 1999 Dear: To answer your question, the difference between a negative addiction and a positive addition is a negative addition is something that harms you, like drug addiction, gambling, etc. Positive addiction builds you up. It increases your creativity and helps you to gain more confidence in yourself. It’s really just a very positive meditation, but it can happen in a variety of things, and

especially during exercise, as long as the exercise is not timed or planned or a definite effort to improve. It has to be done just for the enjoyment of the exercise, like a good run. It is not done to improve on yesterday’s time or increasing muscles or things like that. To answer your question why do positive addictions seem to overcome negative addictions, I really don’t know, except that they seem to do it. Negative addictions depend upon the drug or the chemical or the gambling activity to take your mind off your life. Positive addiction seem to focus your mind back on your life by giving you increased access to your creativity and literally making your ability to get along with other people a more enjoyable experience. I suggest you read the material in the book “Positive Addiction” and also the material in the book, * “Control Theory,” which goes into this at greater length. I appreciate your interest and I hope this helps. Cordially- Dr. Glasser * “Control Theory” has been revised and updated and is now entitled, Take Charge of Your Life: How to Get What You Need with Choice Theory Psychology

June 11, 2003 I am working on my dissertation with a focus on smoking cessation related to relapse. I am working from the Axiom of: All lasting psychological problems are relationship problems. Hence, when someone relapses I want to extrapolate from the smoking situation a relationship error. Proving my hypothesis is that smokers who attempt to quit and fail do so because of relationship problems. Does this approach make sense? I am thinking that all of my subjects will provide me a response that indicates that they are struggling with some sort of relationship issue. Can you provide for me any suggestions to help identify what triggered the relapse? Thank You.

July 3, 2003 Dear: Tobacco, nicotine actually, is one of the most addicting substances there is. It gets into to every cell in the body. Nevertheless, people do quit smoking. Huge numbers have quit since the campaign began, but some are still smoking. I would say that like any addiction, the addict prefers the addictive experience, the pleasure from the addiction, to making a real effort to get along with the important people in his or her life. Therefore, I support your idea that getting people to use Choice Theory in their lives instead of external control, could be a major part of getting over the addiction. It works for alcohol certainly and it should work for tobacco too, even though tobacco is probably even more addicting. Of course, tobacco is legal and accepted, which makes it harder for people to stop using as opposed to some of the illegal drugs. All I can suggest is that you try to look into the fact that unhappy or unsatisfying relationships may be part of the relapse process. Then help a group of people look into their relationships and compare them to a group who doesn’t and see if there is any significant difference. My way of doing it would be to get the group who relapses to get involved in a Choice Theory Focus Group. These types of groups are explained in my latest book, Warning, Psychiatry Can be Hazardous to Your Mental Health . I hope you follow through with my suggestion. Cordially- William Glasser, M.D.

February 16, 1999 Dear Bill,

I want to thank you again for being a part of our 25th annual international “Treatment of Addictive Disorders” program in late January. You workshop was excellent and as you know, we had a great turn-out for the entire program. The over-all response to your program was even better than in past years! We would like to have you back in a couple of years, so I’ll keep in touch with you. It has always taken us a couple of weeks to “recover” from the “symposium week,” but it seems to take a bit longer each year as I get older. I really started to feel “normal” last Thursday. Again, thanks for your involvement this year and over the past twenty-five years! Stay healthy and I’ll hope to see YOU again soon. Best regards. March 3, 1999 Dear: Since I have evolved my thinking to Choice Theory and now to what I call “Reality Therapy II,” a book that will be published in January, 2000, I did enclose a role-play in the book about alcoholism that is similar to what I explain. Alcoholics and the people who deal with them both use huge amounts of external control psychology, which the alcoholic deals with by continuing to drink. It’s as important to stop doing what is wrong as it is to start doing what is right. And so, our guidance towards stopping what’s wrong–giving up external control–is something we could certainly try to not only do with the alcoholic himself/herself as we deal with them, but also try as we work with the members of the family. External control is the thing that keeps them drinking. Anyway, I hope to get together soon, and maybe in several years if you have another conference, I’d be happy to come. I always enjoy working with you. Cordially- William Glasser, M.D.

“At one time I was interested in fetal alcohol syndrome. I heard a lot of information about it on public radio. But I really can’t say I am any kind of expert on it. All I can say is that when mothers are alcoholics and their babies suffer from fetal alcohol syndrome, these mothers don’t really get attached to their babies as strongly as mothers who don’t drink. The alcohol kind of stands in the way.” William Glasser, M.D.

June 16, 2000 Dr. Glasser, I am a graduate student in the school counseling program @ University of Saint Francis (IN). I read your article (Focusing on Chemistry Instead of Compassion) and agree with your conclusion that one looks to abuse a substance due to their bad or lack of relationship(s). That point is irrefutable, however, what we do or use will always be remembered no matter how hard we focus on choosing not to remember what we once did. Give me a great relation with a loving person whom I know I can trust (the reason I no longer use) and I will nevertheless, always recall the euphoria I felt by using. This reality is embedded in the brain structure, no matter how hard I concentrate on the here & now, I will always recall. I can then choose to think of something else, although my brain structure generated the sensation I once felt by using. I can develop my ability to choose to think in the present time, however, I am unable to change the consequences of my use. June 28, 2000 Dear: Everything you say is true and even probably more than you realize. In a chapter of my latest book, “Reality Therapy in Action,” I deal with a young woman who is diagnosed schizophrenic. I discuss the brain a little bit. As you may know, I believe everything is chosen, including of course, the choice to use drugs. I also believe that hallucinations and delusions are all in a way, chosen, as explained in Chapter 7 of my book, “Choice Theory.”

Back to what you’re talking about: the brain being able to remember a euphoric experience with a drug. You say it’s written into the brain and I kind of believe it is too. I think it can be forgotten, but it is not likely. What I believe, and wrote about in the chapter on the psychotic young woman in “Reality Therapy in Action,” is that anything the brain has experienced can be recreated by the brain. Therefore, if you have a terrible back pain, for example, and a disk slips out, and you experience that back pain, I believe under certain circumstances your brain can bring that same pain, which it has experienced, back into your consciousness. You’ll experience it again without any physiological pain in your back. It’s like your brain gives you that feeling of euphoria for a moment without the drug, but then to get it, you’ll probably have to use the drug again. I think your brain is capable of having that kind of euphoria without the drug because I think you believe that to really get it you need the drug and therefore, you won’t choose to have it without the drug. Maybe you can, and if you can, of course, then good luck. Similarly, I believe that if we had never heard a voice in our past, we would not be able to have an auditory hallucination. If we have heard a voice we can create voices in our brain, because our brain will have done it and can do it again if under certain circumstances we want it to. Or, maybe it will do it again because of our creative system, which I don’t want to explain here. It is in Chapter 7 of Choice Theory. Our creative system is always around creating for us but can’t create things that we have never experienced or even could experience. This gets complex but since you wrote me an e-mail, I’m giving you what I hope is a good answer. Cordially- William Glasser, M.D.

August 2003 Dr. Glasser, I read about Jerry in Reality Therapy in Action (chapter 17), where you directed his creativity to solve his problem and also the section on creativity in chapter 10 of Unhappy Teenagers where you talk about misdirected

creativity forming schizophrenic symptoms as Rebecca did in chapter10 of Reality Therapy. If I understood correctly, people use their creativity to escape external control, a creative energy that can be used to make better life choices. Psychotic symptoms are the mental equivalent of somatization. Can you help me understand why some people choose to be constructively creative such as by painting, sculpting, making music, writing, etc. while some choose symptoms, when probably the external control that exist in their lives are similar? August 25, 2003 Dear: Turning to the second page of your letter where you talk about the fact that all of us are creative. There are four components of Choice Theory, which are the basic needs, the quality world, total behavior and creativity. All of our behavior has a creative element. Now, whether unhappiness leads to more or less creativity, I really can’t say. Certainly unhappiness could lead to a great deal of creativity, but the creativity might not at all be very helpful to the person. It might involve many of the symptoms which are wrongly called mental illness, but are really the symptoms of unhappiness. I, myself, am very happy. I think I am an extremely creative person and I think my happiness and the support of other people from my work, has led me to a great deal of my creativity. So, I would predict that people who are unhappy could very well become very creative, but at some time, what good is becoming very creative if you are still unhappy? I also don’t think that an unhappy person who is very creative is still, as I said, nearly as complete a person as if that same person was very creative and very happy. I think there are some things in the literature to show there is a great deal of creativity among people who are very happy. I can’t even say the creativity of unhappy people is misdirected. It is helping them to do their best as they attempt to live their lives. It is not a question of directed or misdirected, but a question of really being able to satisfy your basic needs and use your creativity. I think that is the best way to go, but I can’t criticize people who are unable to do that. I don’t think that when people who are unhappy become happy they lose

their creativity. My belief is that they get more and more of it. Cordially- William Glasser, M.D.

June 24, 2003 Dr. Glasser, I want to thank you for taking the time to meet with me. I found your seminar and counseling role playing to be excellent. You had mentioned if I had any other questions, to contact you. More and more I hear professionals take the stand that when clients are labeled hypo-manic that medication is what is needed. My professor last night reverted back to this option. Many others feel for example if your father was an alcoholic, and if you have a problem with alcohol that it is genetically based. In both cases, this takes power of choice away and places the ownership on the “disease” instead focusing on building relationship. Wanted to get your thoughts … Thanks again for your insight, support, and help. July 7, 2003 Dear: As far as alcoholic parents having alcoholic children I believe that some people get a lot more out of alcohol than others. Genetically, they like that feeling more than other people do. I, myself, can’t drink alcohol because I get a terrible pain in my chest. I get nothing from it except pain and misery. I don’t like alcohol at all. But the fact that some people like it and get good feelings from it means that they are addicted, but they are not happy. Remember I explained that happiness is finding pleasure with people. Unhappiness is finding pleasure without people. That is why counseling works. That is why Alcoholics Anonymous works. You go to the meetings and relate to other people.

I hope this helps. Cordially- William Glasser, M.D.

September 20, 2006 Hi Linda, Hope you’re well. I was endorsed as a Basic Practicum Supervisor during the summer here in Dublin. It was such a wonderful few days. My teacher encouraged me to write to you to share some of my views and experiences having worked as a counselor in a Residential Addiction Centre for 31/2 years. I’ve been using Choice Theory in my personal and profession life since I did my Basic weeks training in 1995, and of all the theories I have under my belt at this stage, it’s the one I keep coming back to. Glasser talks about “happiness” vs. “pleasure,” and I’ve seen this so many times during my work in addiction. So much so, that now I rarely work with clients who are in active addiction. When I do, it’s as part of a support structure taking in AA, NA, family support, etc. I simply don’t see the point. They’re too caught up in the “pleasure” to build on the “relationship.” In Residential work I have seen a dynamic right “across the board.” Each client who presented for treatment had literally hit “rock bottom.” Their addiction had canceled out every picture in their Quality World. They had chosen pleasure over the relationship. And ultimately what led them to recovery was the desire to replace these pictures in their Quality World, thus canceling out the pleasure that mood altering substances had created and replacing it with the original pictures that generated happiness. I’ve seen clients come into treatment that had not given up on the picture of “pleasure” and wouldn’t last the course. It was simply too strong a picture in their Quality World and they chose not to build on the relationship. Simply, they chose pleasure over the relationship. So introducing Choice Theory at the initial stage of the client presenting was paramount to their recovery and allowing them a new lens to view their world.

Some succeeded, some didn’t, but an interesting thing happened. The success rate in Ireland for people recovering from substance abuse in Residential Addiction is very low, somewhere in between 9 - 11 %, so our statistics say, but somehow I feel this could be even lower because there is no follow-up statistics. What about relapse? However, of all the clients I’ve worked with individually, there’s been 100% positive results. So what was I doing differently? The Addiction field is very much managed by control rather than care, therefore, very externally controlled. And knowing Choice Theory we know that just doesn’t work don’t we? So this is where I began to teach Choice Theory which brought around a lot of heated debate, to say the least. Imagine suggesting to someone that had lost everything, family, children, partners, homes, jobs, health, freedom, self respect, etc, that this was their choice? But yet, something kept their interest and I believe it was the relationship. Now with the absence of a quick fix of “pleasure,” they were able to see that it was their choice. And then another interesting thing began to happen. For those clients who chose “pleasure” and gave up on recovery, they began to re-present for treatment, something an addict sees as huge failure and would normally choose to re-enter another program. So why was this, I think because of the relationship. They knew there was no judgment or criticism. Upon leaving the program, they had learned enough Choice Theory to know that they were choosing “pleasure” over “happiness.” So I just love Glasser’s “pleasure” vs. “happiness.” It’s a great starting point to help people in addiction become more aware of their choices. In my experience, the “pleasure,” (which has now become a strong Quality World Picture), does run out, eventually, whereas the want and need for satisfying relationships returns with greater intensity in the end, and the very Quality World Pictures that were canceled out initially over “pleasure,” are ultimately what will drive a person in addiction to choose “happiness” over “pleasure.” As a therapist, this also gives me a great ease at which I practice. I cannot control anyone but myself and I will never give up on a client. But I do have limits as a human being and as a therapist. When someone evaluates that the pictures that are driving their “pleasure,” far outweigh the pictures that drive their “happiness,” I can see that the “pleasure,” for the moment, is

their driving their car. There is no hope of recovery until the pictures that drive their “happiness” comes back into focus. And then my wish for them is that they internalize what I’m attempting to teach and put it into action when the “pleasure” has run out. I believe that the happiness we gain from satisfying relationships wins out in the end. And to be there for someone, to me, means doing the best we can do, and then letting them go to do their own learning. This has been my experience working in addiction. It’s a field that I love, but also a field that I chose to leave earlier this year for a number of reasons. But I suppose the driving force was that it’s based on external control. I still continue to work with people in recovery in private practice and I feel that Choice Theory is where recovery is at. Hope you’re having a good day. And thank you for taking the time to read this mail. Glasser’s theory has helped me, and so many of my clients, that I wanted to send this mail. Many thanks, October 30, 2006 Dear: I was really glad to get your letter because I do believe that in dealing with addiction, the tendency is to focus on the addictive practice and then use some kind of external control to somehow or another get people to stop drinking. I agree with what you said in your letter and I have been doing the same for years. We need to understand that these people are using the addictive process to replace a picture of a pleasing relationship. I understand that you decided to leave the field and do this privately, but I am sorry to hear about it. You have all of my support and I am very happy that you wrote me because this is what I want people to believe that the addiction has replaced a basic picture in the addict’s quality world, which should be in a sense “re-replaced” with a picture of positive relationships with the important people in their lives so that they don’t need the addictive drug

anymore. I am glad you understand this so well and I appreciate your writing me. Cordially- Bill Glasser, M.D.

Aug 2, 2002 Dear Dr. Glasser, Having read your book on UNhappy Teenagers and being an UNhappy Mom myself felt the urge to contact you. I am currently visiting LA and live in Istanbul for the last 6 years , divorced six years ago, have a 14 year old boy, who a couple of months ago got hooked on this online computer game where he plays with actual people. Ever since his character and attitude and school performance changed drastically, doesn’t sleep during the night and sleeps all day. Anything we tried on setting limits did not work on the contrary, he started to run away from my house to his Dad’s and vice versa. I am out of town for a month now, and his Dad’s efforts at controlling him led to a total disaster. Now he tells me how he doesn’t like his Dad for several different reasons and runs away and stays out with friends and we don’t know where he is. Very scary. My ex-husband cut his allowance and he returned home eventually and tried to get money from grandparents and when he got some money went out again to play the game!! School is starting in 3 weeks and I am very concerned. This addiction to that game is like gambling (I read the chapter on addictions). My son is looking forward to my return but that’s only because now he’s had these problems with his Dad. I think things won’t change unless my ex and I act in sync. This was a long e-mail. Please have understanding for my situation. I have been reading a lot of teenage books having very different approaches, yours is the one that touched me the most. We never know what’s the best thing to do, we just have to go what we think is best suited to our needs.

Thanks for your time in advance. Best regards, August 12, 2002 Dear: I wish the book Unhappy Teenagers had the answer to every problem. In a sense it does, but the answer isn’t very satisfactory because, it is very hard to apply. As I said in the beginning of the book, the only thing you have going for you when you attempt to control another person, as you are attempting to control your son and help him to reduce his play with the computer games, is your relationship. The more you and his father try to get him off the games, the more you destroy what little relationship you may have left. I suggest that when you go home you spend time loving your child. Talk to him and perhaps even get involved a little in the games with him. Don’t ever tell him that he can’t play them, but let him know that there are other things in life besides the games. Tell him you love him very much. This is the only thing that I believe will help him. If you lose your relationship, you lose everything. The computer game is not a drug addiction, but more like gambling, but certainly can be a very strong addiction. It won’t hurt his brain in any way like taking an addictive drug. But the only thing in the end that will cure any addiction is a relationship with a very important person, and you as his mother, are the most important person. Disregard the games, but regard him. Get close to him. Tell him you love him. Tell him you are desperately trying to understand why he is so involved in these games and that all you ask is that he makes them a part of his life, but not his whole life. Say nothing more than that. That is the advice in the book and the advice that I have for you. If you take it and it seems to help, you can e-mail me again. Cordially- William Glasser, M.D.

August 11, 2003 Dear: I appreciate your letter and certainly understand the problems with your son. I don’t think alcoholism is caused by genetic problems. I think genetically, we are all somewhat different in our response to alcohol. Some people respond very strongly to it and these people very often become alcoholics. Your son could be in that category. But that does not mean that they are doomed to alcoholism. It means that they have to struggle to avoid it as much as possible and of course, your son is not going to do that without help. Alcoholics Anonymous is very helpful. But what I think he needs to do, which is something I’m focusing on, is improve his mental health. You are the person who could help him do that. I’ve written two books recently which I think will help you a great deal. The first one is called, Unhappy Teenagers*: How Parents and Teachers Can Reach Them. This book will give you a lot of direct help. The main thing is to form a good relationship with your teenager, no matter what he does. That doesn’t mean that you will tolerate or support his drinking or anything else he does which is harmful. But you will work to relate to him so that he has the kind of relationship with you that he needs to stop drinking. The other book, Warning: Psychiatry Can be Hazardous to Your Mental Health, warns you against believing that people have genetic problems that are unsolvable. If alcoholism were genetic, then there would be nothing that can be done and there would be no sense in trying. But he is very genetically prone to enjoy the alcoholic experience. He, more than anyone else, needs to have the social, supportive, friendly relationships without alcohol with people who don’t drink. He can meet these people through Alcoholic Anonymous. He is socially prone to unhappiness and solves his unhappiness through drinking. All this is explained in Warning: Psychiatry Can be Hazardous to Your Mental Health. This is a book that you should read very carefully and use its

precepts to work with your child in getting Choice Theory to be a major part of your relationship with him and to get external control completely out of your relationship. Alcoholics Anonymous is a very powerful tool, but he won’t go to the meetings unless he has a good relationship with you. You could urge him to go, but don’t make him go as that will push him away. So, read those books and write to me again. I am sure these books will show you how to do things that are more effective than what you are doing now. Cordially- William Glasser, M.D. * Now entitled For Parents and Teenagers: Dissolving the Barrier Between You and Your Teen

7. CORRECTIONS “You’re right, while I may not know what it is like to be in prison, what I do know is how to stay out of prison.” William Glasser, M.D.

May 10, 1999 To whoever can help me, I am writing concerning my inability to find a book I strongly believed was published by Dr. Glasser. Let me give you what information I have and hopefully you will be able to help me. In 1985 I was incarcerated in Walpole Massachusetts Prison, I was introduced to a Reality Therapist by the name of Mary Corry who was from Rhode Island. Over the next years she worked with me, and then she attended a seminar-type function in Phoenix, Arizona where all the Reality Therapists got together with Dr. Glasser and his wife. At this time the therapists presented case studies etc… It came to pass that Dr. and Mrs. Glasser showed an interest in Mary’s case study synopsis based on me. I know only some details of the whole process that then took place, but as I know it, I will relate it to you. Supposedly Dr. Glasser was planning on putting a book together of 12-case studies, and Mary’s was considered as one of the 12. I know there was conversation back and forth between Ms. Corry and Mrs. Glasser concerning a rewrite based on the fact that prison terminology needed explanation and so on. I was in D.S.U. (Department Segregation Unit) at the time and a mess going nowhere. As a result of Ms. Corry’s work with me based on Dr. Glasser’s theories my life was turned around totally and I am now a successful member of society. The name that was suggested be used in the case study was Everett. There were two drawings to be used in the case study

that I had drawn, one of a raging wolf-man in front of a dungeon door that was drawn prior to Control Theory, and one of a castle window and two swans drawn after Control Theory. I could go on and on with information in the case study but that should be more than enough. I lost contact with Mary Corry and last heard that the book was going to be published. I have been unable to find out anything about it since. Could you please assist me and pass my regards on to Dr. & Mrs. Glasser for saving and renewing my life. I have been an advocate of positive addiction to my youth groups and colleagues as well. I will be looking forward to your response. Sincerely,

May 20, 1999 Dear “Everett:” I didn’t remember your name but I did remember the whole episode and Mary Corry’s working with you and my previous wife, Naomi, who was the one who actually put that book out. The book is called Control Theory in the Practice of Reality Therapy. Since the book has been published, I’ve changed the name of the theory from Control Theory to Choice Theory, but that wouldn’t really change anything in the book. You are mentioned in the book as a person who literally learned Choice Theory and seemed to be able to be helped a lot by it during that time. I have no idea what happened to you since, and your letter doesn’t give me a great deal of information, so if you’d like to update us where you are now, it would be of interest to me. Unfortunately, Naomi, who was the one that really handled this thing, passed away six years ago, but she’s certainly around in my mind as I don’t believe people ever really totally leave us. If I were to hear about how you’re doing, I would in my own way do my best to communicate it to her. Anyway, the

books are available in our office, so I’m including one of each here for you at no charge, since you certainly made a contribution. Using that idea to help you was a powerful confirmation of this thinking. Thank you for writing and I hope to hear again from you. Cordially- William Glasser, M.D. * Case study found in Control Theory in the Practice of Reality Therapy Chapter Four: Value Judgments Sometimes Don’t Come Easily

March 4, 2006 Hello, Will you please relay to Dr. Glasser that I have read the above “subject” titled book, and it is very good, an easy read. I have also read “Choice Theory.” I work for the Illinois Dept. of Corrections, Illinois Youth Center Kewanee as a correctional counselor. It is the #1 treatment facility in the state. I have a Master’s Degree from Western Illinois University. I have 18 youth assigned to my wing (every youth has computer screens full of criminal history); these young men are the worst of the worst (aged 14-20). I have been teaching them Choice Theory once a week during a daily living skills group. The youth really enjoy learning Choice Theory; it just makes sense to them. Every single one of them believes in Choice Theory and the reality therapy that I use with them. The most important factor every single one of them shares is “an unhappy relationship with someone in their quality world.” It is fascinating to me, to see how Dr. Glasser’s approach “works!” I am not just saying that. Don’t get me wrong, the best I can do with some, just as Dr. Glasser stated in his book, is to make a connection. It is not hard to make a connection. It is not hard to make a connection if you do not use external control on them. Please tell Dr. Glasser that he truly is my favorite “guru,” a true “Gladiator” for modern therapy. Thank you very much.

March 21, 2006 I enjoyed your e-mail. As you said, the counseling with Choice Theory approach really does work. It is interesting that these young people, who are really some of the most unhappy young people in the world, appreciate Choice Theory. I have found that in correctional institutions people really do understand this and also understand that they have to make a better connection. Your job in working with them is to help them make that connection somehow, somewhere, in the institution or maybe later. It is what you should try to do. Don’t worry if you don’t always succeed. A lot of people haven’t succeeded with these young people. Cordially- William Glasser, M.D.

June 23, 1998 Dr. Glasser Your book, Reality Therapy: A New Approach to Psychiatry, was required reading in my “juvenile delinquency” class. Therefore, when I saw and heard you on Dr. Schuller I ordered your new book from the bookstore. I just finished reading Choice Theory. I live alone and have three daughters who live out of state so I have not had much chance to practice Choice Theory, but I know I will. I am glad you mentioned corrections. I have been a correctional officer for nearly five years. It has not been an easy job, as far as dealing with the administration and some of the other officers. I have had numerous allegations made against me by the inmates in a female institution. These allegations and the administration’s attitude toward these unfounded allegations have encouraged me to be less conscientious about my job. This is the choice I have made because of the superintendent’s behavior toward me. Another choice I am making is to stay where I am for now until I can make a

positive career change. What I would like to know is how I can use Choice Theory in doing my job? I have given some inmates a break with the discipline because I had thought they had changed their attitude only to find out that they thought they didn’t deserve to be disciplined in the first place. I have learned (the hard way) if I give some inmates a break, I will get myself in a lot of trouble in the long run. I have also recently read Inside the Criminal Mind by Samenow. Do you agree that criminals think differently from normal people and have to be dealt with unlike you or me? Since I have read the book, my attitude toward the inmates has changed. I do treat them with respect, but I realize that they must learn to follow rules if they are to change. I would like to become more involved in my work, but now I find it very necessary to stay on third shift and away from administration. However, I am working on changing a policy for the good of the inmates. I also like what you said about “No human being should ever evaluate another human being.” My past supervisor would very much like to pick and put personal opinions on evaluations. I have a very hard time not evaluating our supervisors and I have evaluated them to be “unthinking bosses.” It gives them the feeling of power that means so much to them. I have a few inmates who appreciate me and maybe they are the ones who keep me around. Well, it’s also the money and the job security. But most days, I don’t hate my job. So, any help that you can give me to help make this a more positive experience for both the inmates and me, I would appreciate it. The next book I read will be How to Stubbornly Refuse to Make Yourself Miserable About Anything- Yes, Anything. Since being in corrections, I have spent many miserable days at work. Thank you for your time and help. Sincerely, July 10, 1998

Dear: I appreciate your letter and I certainly appreciate the situation you are in; a place with a lot of boss-management and a lot of external control. The Choice Theory ideas are hard for people to understand and use if they have been in the habit of controlling people or really attempting to control people for their whole lives. These are the kind of people who tend to go into corrections. You are unusual, as you are not really one of these kinds of people in that you see the benefit of Choice Theory. But inmates will “con” you, and this idea that was written about in The Criminal Mind is probably correct. They do think differently. They think totally external control; that is, how they can control you. So you have to be very careful; but treat them fairly. The main thing when working with an inmate is to understand you can only do the things that are within your control. You can’t bend or break rules for them. That’s disastrous. But you can treat them nicely; you can talk with them. You can help them to figure out better things that they can do and you can teach them a little Choice Theory and say, “I can’t control your behavior. When you break the rules, I then have to follow whatever the rule-breaking procedure is, as much as I may care for you. But, I think it would be better if you understood how much 1 care for you, how much I’ll be happy to talk with you and help you to choose better behaviors than you are choosing now, because you can control that. And if you do, you’ll get along a lot better, and we’ll get along a lot better and it’s up to you to make the choice.” People with a criminal mind will find that difficult, but they’ll understand it. They’ll see they can’t “con” you or push you around. So that’s the main thing. If I were you, I’d read the book over very, very carefully; especially chapter 11, as well as the introductory chapters, 1, 2, 3 and 4. Keep in mind that we all have the same needs, but we can only control our own behavior as we attempt to satisfy them. I have a feeling that the next book you’re going to read about refusing to make yourself miserable will be very much corroborative of my book, Choice Theory. Obviously, what that author is going to talk about is how to choose not to be miserable which is basically what Choice Theory is all about. The

only exception to this is Choice Theory says that in order to succeed at that not-to-be-miserable choice, you must try to have a good relationship or improve the ones that you have. Cordially- William Glasser, M.D.

“Your situation as a Probation Correctional Officer where the idea is, get involved personally last, and punish first, is typical. All I can say is get your kids involved in some sort of a Choice Theory discussion group. A few days ago I interacted with some students who are putting the ideas to work in their life and are quite successful and are also helping other children in their school. Choice Theory is powerful stuff and you can’t learn enough of it. So do the best you can with what you have learned. Remember there’s never any downside to Choice Theory. It can help, but it can never hurt.” William Glasser, M.D.

April 8, 1998 Dear: Thank you very much for your letter. I really get a great deal of pleasure out of seeing people not only read the book, but put it right to work. The idea of a quality prison just blows me away, and yet, I think it could happen because there you have people with nothing but time on their hands. I wouldn’t even feel it to be your responsibility to purchase that many books, maybe just a few, and tell them if they want to get involved with the things in this book to buy it themselves. Prisoners have money; that’s the one thing they have. They certainly are always involved in smuggling in some kind of contraband, so make them use their money for something a lot better than what they usually use it for. As far as your men who don’t read very well, Carleen’s material for elementary school children does teach some Choice Theory, which could be

adapted to the prison. It’s called, My Quality World Activity Set, - you can copy it as many times as you wish and use it. It could be used for people who don’t read very well, but I would suggest that you try to put people together in the prison who can read with those who can’t read and have them read Choice Theory. Just use the whole book, and especially the material in Chapter 12, which describes just how you would put Choice Theory to work in your lives. It even goes into how you would use it with correctional people, so it’s all set up to be done. There are prisoners in Oklahoma who’ve learned Control Theory (because we didn’t have Choice Theory then), and how it really changed their lives. Get a copy of Choice Theory. It’s quite inexpensive, and give it to the warden and other people in charge of the prison and they’ll see how powerful this is. They’ll see how, Choice Theory costs essentially nothing, and how the prisoners can begin to use it themselves with a little help from someone like yourself. Thanks again for your interest. I was so happy to get your letter. If you need anything from me, further, be sure to write. Cordially- William Glasser, M.D.

March 21, 1999 Dr. Glasser, I specialize in the treatment of adolescent sex offenders and would like information on the practice of Choice Theory and reality therapy with this specific population. I am not certified as a reality therapist, but would like to be. I have read all of your books and have used your ideas in my own life as well as in my profession. If you would be interested in starting a dialogue about the use of reality therapy with adolescent sex offenders, please let me know. Charleston, SC April 7, 1999

Dear: I don’t consider myself an expert on sex offenders. I really don’t think there is an expert on sex offenders. Like almost all other offenders, or people who demonstrate psychological or behavioral problems, the sex offender has an inability to make satisfying relationships with the people they want to relate with, and especially to adults. That’s why they seem to be picking on children and doing something with children that in their mind gives them some satisfaction as compared to the better kind of satisfaction they could get by leading more normal lives. But they won’t lead more normal lives until they have very, very good strong personal relationships with their parents at home or someone at home who is taking the place of the parent and with teachers in school. Any other factors, which could be genetic, I have no idea what they might be. I do know that these are lonely people and the only way you’re going to reach them is to get yourself involved with them as a human being. If you’ve read my book, “Choice Theory,” try especially not to use external control in your treatment plan. Don’t tell them how many bad things are going to happen if they continue doing what they’re doing. That’s exactly what will lead them into doing it more. You can’t get close to people by using external control psychology. These people are especially sensitive to it. I’m not saying that doing this will help you to cure them or anything like that. But I do know that not doing it will push you further down the road in the direction away from helping them. This is basically all I know. Read the book, “Choice Theory” and you can get a lot out of it that will help you. They have to get some kind of connectedness with other people, especially adults, or it’s not going to really be of much use to work with them. Cordially- William Glasser, M.D.

Dr. Glasser, I am sure this is not news to you but the men and women I teach Choice Theory to love it and try very hard to live it. Choice Theory is easy to understand but very hard to do. The good news Dr. Glasser is many have

chosen to struggle along and work hard every day to make better choices. It’s always refreshing to hear one inmate argue with another that he “chose” to go to “the hole.” I have just finished piloting a sex offender transition program and taught the men Choice Theory. The feedback was great and many men came out of denial as a result. Denial is always the big hurdle. We have a library of old Control Theory books that are required reading in the unit. I am going to begin teaching Choice Theory classes this summer and I am in the progress of writing a proposal to the warden suggesting that we make the prison a Quality Prison. What do you think? We have a captive community with nothing but time on their hands. I see this as a “teachable moment.” I will ramble on and on … Corrections Counselor

January 11, 2005 Hey, this is –— again, I’m the guy that always writes you. How are you doing? I’m fine. I’m working on getting my diploma. If all goes well I should get it and hah, you know that book you told me to read, “Psychiatry can be Hazardous to Your Mental Health.” I had my mom buy it and I’m reading it and most of the stuff in there makes sense. Because my Probation Officer told me all I need to do to go home is get my diploma and this is what I’m doing now. So I hope I get it, but once I get it I don’t know what to do. Maybe you can help me. Sincerely, P.S. Write back soon! January 21, 2005 Dear:

You are on the right track. Get your diploma and listen to what your probation officer says. Everything in the book that you are reading now focuses on mental health. That is what you need to work on. This means that you will work on getting along better with all of the important people in your life. This would include family members, friends you can make where you are, as well as any people you encounter when you get out, especially your probation officer. He is very important to you. Talk to him and listen to him. Tell him you enjoy his advice and you think it is important. These are the kinds of things you can do to stay out of trouble. Of course, I am always thinking about you when I write these letters, so I am on your side. Cordially- William Glasser, M.D.

February 22, 2005 Hi, it’s me again. I have a question to ask you. How do you handle losing a court case when you did everything right and you’re in the right because my mom lost a court case. She was shot with a pellet gun and her ex-boyfriend did it and I feel it was my fault because I could have protected her. You see, I love my mom very much and I would do anything for her or with any of my family because that’s me. I do not know what to do. I want to go after him and do harm to him, but it’s not worth getting locked back up. I’m a changed man so please help me. Your friend, February 28, 2005 Dear: I read your recent letter and I think you are really beginning to learn that the only person’s behavior you can control is your own. That is what Choice Theory teaches. You can choose whether or not you go after that man

regardless of what he did or how wrong it was. You are better off not going after him and not getting locked up again. Control your behavior and stay out of jail. Get along with your Mom as best as you can. Love her and help her through her unfortunate experience with the pellet gun, but don’t go after the person who shot her. I won’t be writing a new book for awhile, but when you get out and if you are getting along well, write me again and let me know how you are doing. Tell me how you are using Choice Theory, and the next time I write a book, I may well include you. Naturally, I won’t use your name, but would identify you as someone who began to use Choice Theory and found it to be a great deal of help. Cordially- William Glasser, M.D.

May 14, 2004 Dear Mr. Glasser, I’m writing to you to tell you that I got your letter and I was pleased. I’m going on an off grounds visit to the recycling center. This is my first time going into the community, but it will be fun. I lost a real close relative of mine. It was my great aunt. She died and it was upsetting and I’m using Choice Theory. It’s helping me a lot and soon I’m stepping down to an open program called Jobs Corps. I’m a little bit scared because there’s a lot of negativity that the staff doesn’t see. When I go to Job Corps I’ll be trained to be carpentry. I want to be a carpenter when I go home. I’ve been doing well in my treatment and I’m about ready to go home. P.S. Write back soon. May 24, 2004 Dear: I appreciate your writing me after receiving my letter. It is good to hear that

you are making some plans to put Choice Theory in your life when you get out of the situation you are in. There is a lot of negativity in the world. It is all external control, it is harmful and I am working to get rid of it. Keep putting Choice Theory to work in your life and remember that the relationship between you and anyone you are relating to is the most important thing. Don’t try to control anyone or let him or her control you, but enjoy the relationship and in so doing, improve your own mental health. There is such a thing as mental health and it can be learned through Choice Theory. I look forward to hearing from you again. My answers won’t be long, but I do read your letters and enjoy hearing from you. Cordially- William Glasser, M.D.

November 20, 2000 Dear Dr. William Glasser, M.D., I am writing in regards to your book Choice Theory that I have just completed for the second time. I am a 23 year old male. I have been in prison since 1995. I don’t want to get into much of my past because you are right, it does not really matter. I do want to say at age 8 my uncle taught me how to steal. And he told me for the first time in my life how good of a job I did. Third grade was not in my Quality World at all so I did not go. I quit school by the eighth grade. I made it to the eighth grade receiving straight F’s the whole way. They just passed me to get rid of me. I hated school and did not go half the time. When I did it was in-school-suspension. Most of the rebellion I now realize stemmed from my relationship with my step-father. Of course, there was physical and mental abuse. I will now update you on my current situation. I am in the worst penitentiary in Pennsylvania. I have been in the hole for the past 16 months. But this is my choice. I have not been placed in the hole for severe behavioral problems. I was just tired of living among people that have no desire to change. They have no goals and no ambitions. Don’t get me wrong. I am not blaming them

for where I am. I just don’t want to associate with them any longer. I see the parole board in a few months, but they will not understand this. I am afraid. I have 27 months to max out which is nothing. I’m afraid that I will have no transitional period in which to adjust to society. My counselor here has mentioned a halfway house- which would give me an opportunity. I’m still afraid. I just want to live a fun, productive life. I am using your techniques and Dr. Yochelson’s- which I discovered in Inside the Criminal Mind by Dr. Samenon. I’m trying but I am far from fixed. I realize what I must do. I know I can only control myself and this is all I want to control. I know if I continue down this I will die, stay in prison, or go crazy. None of these options are in my collective, quality, excellent or productive world. Your book has taught me so much. I want to thank you for helping me realize what was what, who is who, and why I was the way I was. I’m just stuck and I do not know what to do. If there is any way you can give me some clues I’d appreciate it. I just need to know the next steps to take. I’m not trying to convince them to let me go, nor am I trying to con anyone. I’m just tired of the punishment and I’m wondering how to accomplish something in my life. I’ve never had much of a life, only what I’ve made of it. I need to keep on changing for the better. I am looking forward to hearing from you or one of your associates. God Bless You All. Thank you for your book and your time. December 5, 2000 Dear: The only thing I know about you is what I can judge from your letter and you certainly seem to understand my book, Choice Theory. Although you’ve already read Choice Theory, it might pay to read it one more time. In fact I suggest you just keep reading it little by little for the rest of the time you’re in prison. There’s a lot in that book and it will kind of bring me to you as I think I come across as a caring person in the book.

The next thing I suggest is that you make plans to get out of the hole. I can’t believe that everyone in that prison is so unmotivated that they wouldn’t want to associate with you, but you do need some sort of a friend. If the prison has any sort of a visiting society, like the John Howard Society in England, you should try and hook up with someone who will visit you and write to you. You need human contact- you’re not going to make it without human contact-and being in the hole is just a type of defiance. You’re saying to them, “I know more than you do. I can last longer in here than you can.” They really don’t care. Get out of the hole. I don’t see any future for you sitting around in a cell by yourself. There must be some sort of a counselor there who can talk with you, even if it is only once in a while. Tell them you’ve read my book, you’ve written to me, and I suggest that the counselor talk with you. You seem to be worth talking with. Find out if you can connect with any outside organization like a halfway house or something like that when you get out. You need to be connected. Again, you’re not going to make it alone. You can’t scorn the whole world. You’ve got to put yourself out a little bit and make at least one or two friends in the prison and as many as you can outside by writing to people or whatever they allow you to, do. Write to me again after you get this letter and tell me what you think about what I said. I hope that when I hear from you next, you’re not in the hole anymore. Cordially- William Glasser, M.D.

Dear: Thank you very much for your letter. I certainly feel good that I’ve helped you deal with what is a very difficult situation to deal with-being incarcerated in a prison. I’m sure that you, like all of us, have a way to go, but you seem to have gone pretty far and I hope that someday you will be free to use what you’ve learned outside of the prison. I’m also glad you are in touch with ––. He’s a good man to know and I’m sure that you have been helped by just

knowing him and working with him in what he is trying to do. Good luck in your efforts to get a seminar going in your prison. The people in prison need Choice Theory desperately. I hope you could be one of the people that may help bring it to them. William Glasser, M.D.

April 26, 2008 Mr. Glasser, I would like to thank you for your book Choice Theory. I am an inmate at Airway Heights Correction Center in Washington State. We had a class here on Choice Theory. We had to have 2 classes because so many inmates want the class. It was the most fabulous thing I could have dreamed having in prison. So thank you! Because I have been reading the book I now want to get out of here and I hope to become a trained instructor for Choice Theory. I was wishing that you would send me any more information that I would need. Thank you for your time. Dear: It was really good to get your letter. I certainly applaud the good treatment you are receiving at the prison in Washington State. Keep reading my book and keep appreciating the good treatment. Perhaps when you get out, you can learn to get along well with all the people around you and you will never again be involved with any criminal activity. I would be very glad to hear from you when you get out of prison and are getting along well. I’ve enclosed a booklet called Defining Mental Health as a Public Health Issue. I’m sending a lot of these booklets out to anyone who is interested in these ideas. I hope you find it useful.

Cordially- William Glasser, M.D.

April 28, 2006 Dear William Glasser, Hi we’ve corresponded some and I appreciate this. I’ve been Glad for your booklet re: Mental Health as a public health problem. I want to thank you so much for your courage over the years to think outside of the box and really help people and humanity. Currently I’m trying to correspond to the prison populous. As you’ve mentioned, prison is entirely external control based. Of course it isn’t even remotely possible for this to help anyone, nor give people tools they need to relate better to others in or out of prison. Also, I comment and post when I can on Indiana’s Department of Education website and encourage all to check out Quality Schooling. A principle at Hope Indiana Elementary has taken a Glasser course and is trying to implement Choice Theory in her life and teaching. This is often met w/ stiff resistance. I’m wondering what your experience or others has been wit correctional facilities and if you have any pointers to get started. So far, I’m randomly finding offenders to begin correspondence with as a way of starting a good relationship. I am very familiar with your book “Reality Therapy” and know its effectiveness as proven at the Ventura CA facility. Thanks for any comments. May 11, 2006 Dear: I am glad you received the booklet, which is my main focus now. If we

would think of mental health as a public health issue, then mental health is something we can teach people. We are changing the name of the booklet from “Defining Mental Health as a Public Health Problem” to “Defining Mental Health as a Public Health Issue.” These ideas can certainly be taught in prisons. We have taught in the Oklahoma State Prisons quite successfully in the past and it is now being taught a little in the Idaho Prison System. Prisoners have nothing else to do but learn and they really love learning Choice Theory. So, if you can get into any of the Indiana prisons, even as a volunteer, you can certainly help the prisoners by introducing them to Choice Theory. I’ll send you some booklets free-of-charge. Perhaps you can read it with some prisoners. Then see if they will read Choice Theory. This is the best way to learn Choice Theory. Just read the books and talk about the ideas. This is certainly something people in prison can do. The book Every Student Can Succeed would be the one you would recommend to the Indiana Department of Education. I certainly enjoy your letter and hope to hear more from you as you expand your use of these ideas. Cordially- William Glasser, M.D.

Dear Dr. Glasser, I am currently incarcerated at the Idaho State Correctional Institution located in Boise. I have read three of your books and have found them extremely helpful. Additionally, I have taken a class here titled “Choice Theory.” This class has had an enormous impact on me. A group of us get together weekly to discuss Choice Theory in a group setting, with a main focus of drug and alcohol abuse. Joining these two components has been nothing short of inspiring for me. I believe with Choice

Theory as a foundation and some adjustments to the required AA/NA programs, I can and will successfully beat my past drug and alcohol abuse/addiction. I sincerely thank you for showing me a better way, a Choice Theory way. I am very excited to continue my education, training and way of life through these simple suggestions. I truly believe my quality world has been changed forever. Again thank you. Sincerely, March 18, 2005 Dear: If you put Choice Theory to work in your life, I think you will be able to stay out of prison facilities. I am glad you are paying attention to your Choice Theory teacher. Thank you again for writing. I do appreciate hearing from people who are successfully using my ideas. Cordially- William Glasser, M.D.

In January of 2014, Loyola Marymount University released a study that involved the California Institution for Women in Chino that reported a recidivism rate of only 2.9% compared with the general recidivism rate for women in the state of 57% (SOMS, 2011). “Effectiveness of Choice Theory Connects (CTC): A Cross Sectional and Comparative Analysis of California Female Inmates” published by the International Journal of Offender Therapy and Comparative Criminology. January 16, 2014

8. MILITARY “The advent of the Military is going to have a long and possibly unhappy experience with all of people diagnosed with combat stress. I don’t think it is very possible for a military man to understand that none of us are genetically prepared to deal with the kind of stresses so many have experienced in Iraq and will continue to experience in future wars. The only solution is to figure out a way to solve problems without war and that doesn’t seem to be what is really on the military mind. Anyway, good luck with what you are trying to do.” William Glasser, M.D.

Dear: I really believe that if we teach Choice Theory to the service men and their families before they leave and keep in touch with them while they are gone and then continue to work with them and their families upon their return, we could probably reduce the effects of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I’ve talked about this at your Combat Stress workshops and I can only repeat what I’ve said in the past. Good luck with what you are doing. William Glasser, M.D.

April 8, 2008 Dear Dr. Glasser, I just finished reading your book (Choice Theory) today. I am active duty in the Navy and I don’t have big chunks of time available so it took me a while. I study psychology kind of as a hobby and I have to say I was blown away by

how great your book is!!! The military is at the core of external control psychology! !! I didn’t realize it, but in my supervisor positions at previous jobs before I came into the Navy, I practiced Choice Theory. As I thought back to my behaviors, I realized that people really flocked to me, wanted to work with me, and loved working for me. I always had more cooperation and less attrition. Anyway, I just wanted to find this website, let you know I agree with you and will champion your cause, and say thank you for your heart-felt devotion (that jumps out as one reads your book). I would love to meet you but I’d settle for a response. Thanks again. June 1, 2008 Dear: Thank you for your email. You can certainly understand how different the military operates from what I teach. I think that even the military, in certain situations, is relaxing a little bit because if they teach that way when people are actually in combat, it certainly harms the relationship between them and their ability to engage in one of the most difficult situations in life, which is being in combat and risking one’s life. The military deals with that more realistically now as they have learned some things. They may have even learned some Choice Theory because it has been taught all though the military for quite a while. It may not always be understood or taught very well, but it is on the table. Perhaps you can use your military experience and see if there is some kind of Choice Theory practices where they don’t use much external control. It might be interesting. Again, thank you for your letter. Cordially- Dr. Glasser

June 2, 1999 William, I have just read your book, Choice Theory, and wanted to say how much I enjoyed it. I have applied Choice Theory to a number of my relationships without really knowing what it was doing. I am a Commanding Officer in the Australian Air Force, and, unfortunately, my Choice Theory methods have sometimes seen as a weakness by some subordinate–particularly those who are driven by an external control philosophy. I would venture to suggest that, because I didn’t really understand that I was using Choice Theory, when came up against particularly belligerent individuals I felt I had no option but to ‘pull rank.’ Your book has given me some food for thought in developing the necessary skills to handle those few belligerent individuals more effectively. In my personal relationships, I am divorced and have two terrific children (12 and 10). Unbeknownst to me I have used Choice Theory with my children since they were born. The advantage is I have two children who love me dearly and me them. Conversely, my brother has two children (18 and 20) who are out of control. One is a heroin addict, the other is well into unloving sex (at least it’s better than alcohol or drugs I suppose). Their parents continue to use external control methods (as did their parents on them–funny how we attract ‘like’ minds and ‘histories’). My niece came around to my place a few months back and said that when she has her kids she would ‘belt’ them to keep them ‘in line.’ She said she was regularly belted by my brother (as he and I were regularly belted as kids) and felt that was justification enough to do likewise to her off-spring. She finished her I asked my daughter how many times I had smacked her to which she said (whilst eating a mouthful of chips) “None, Dad.” I then asked my son. “Only once dad–when I broke that big mirror.” My niece was taken aback commenting that my two kids were so well behaved and ‘normal’ and couldn’t understand how that could be without them getting a good whack every now and then from me. I still don’t know how to handle those individuals who simply refuse to play ball no matter how much you explain the consequences, advantages, etc. I

suppose it’s because external control is so wide-spread, these individuals know no other way to react other than attempting to control all situations. Maybe I do it to them but can’t see it - hence their reaction. I’ll keep reading. As I ‘improve’ myself the answer may come about naturally. P.S. The only thing I question in your book is your comment that individuals cannot change their character. I would have thought that we could - if we chose to! June 17, 1999 Dear: Thank you very much for your E-mail. It’s very, very thoughtful. As far as I’m concerned external control is a plague on all humanity and it’s so much a part of so many people’s lives. However, if you begin to use Choice Theory with them, even though they themselves are users of external control, in the end you will prevail. The best thing when you’re meeting with these difficult people I think (and this is just a word of advice I’d like to give you, it might not work), is to tell them “Because I’m your superior officer, you’re probably expecting me to do something punitive or threatening. You expect me to take control and tell you, ‘shape up or ship out’–that kind of thing. I can do it; it’s been done to me a lot in my life and it’s been done to everyone in the service, I suppose. But I’d like to do something a little bit different. We have a problem, no doubt about it and that’s why we’re talking. I’d like to use the Choice Theory approach to the problem. I’d like to say to you, ‘This is what I think I can do to help resolve this problem. I’m not saying what you can or should do, but rather what I can do and what I offer, which I believe will help resolve the problem.’’ Then ask them, “Is there is anything that you can do, knowing what this problem is and knowing that I can only control my behavior and really, you can only control yours. Is there anything that you can do to help resolve the problem? Because, in the end that’s all either one can do. What’s important and what will get the problem resolved is if we look at our relationship. This problem is impacting that relationship so what can I do that will improve that relationship? This is what I offer.”

Try something like that and let me know how it works. Best- Bill

April 2, 2004 Choice Theory USMC Dr. Glasser, I am an active duty Marine currently on an exercise in South Korea. I am reading your book “Choice Theory” which has inspired me to write to you. Even while reading your book I was skeptical about the use of Choice Theory in an overwhelmingly external control biased setting such as today’s military. However, I began observing situations in which external control was used. Later I would run the same scenario through my head substituting Choice Theory where external controls were used and had often failed. I have come to realize that Choice Theory truly does work and can be applied even when dealing with people who have been trained that external control is the best and only way to deal with their peers and subordinates. I am now making a conscious effort to apply Choice Theory to my work and what I do in my free time. I have notice that I have been stressing less and sleeping more than I have in my last two years of service. I would like to thank you for opening my eyes to a new way of approaching life, and leave you with an example of Choice Theory that was used in one of my favorite movies. In the movie “PULP FICTION”, Samuel L. Jackson is confronted by robbers in a restaurant. He remains completely in control of the situation and his life when he tells the robbers that they can have his money but not his wallet. This was much like one of the examples that you used in your book. I also counted numerous examples of both external control and Choice Theory being used in the movie “MATCHSTICK MEN.” Thank you once again for sharing your vast knowledge and experience through your books.

Lance Corporal (LCpl) U.S. Marine Corps April 7, 2004 Dear: Thank you very much for your letter. It is interesting timing that I received your letter, as I will be making a presentation at the Air Force Academy this week. They are having an awful lot of trouble with external control. I’ll be explaining Choice Theory. A couple of people who work there attended one of our training weeks and they suggested I stop by and visit. I have to be in Colorado Springs anyway, so I am going to do it. I believe as you do, that you can apply Choice Theory to any given situation and when you do, you take control of the situation. Recently, I bought a new car for my wife. Buying a car is usually not very pleasant, so I decided to use a Choice Theory buying method. I told the man that I want the car and that if he wants to sell it to me, we are going to negotiate what I believe will be a fair price. But if any time during the negotiation either one of us is unhappy, then I am going to walk away. Well, he never had a negotiation like this before. They usually try to use a lot of external control when they get into the final dickering. Of course, he couldn’t use it and I didn’t use it and in the end, we got what some other salesmen said was an unbelievably good deal. Here is another example where you can use Choice Theory where it is rarely used before. It was good hearing from you. Cordially- William Glasser, M.D.

9. WORKPLACE “All successful mangers from time immemorial have exhibited elements of cooperation as well as command in their styles. No less a ‘’boss’’ than General Montgomery of WWII responded to the question about the secret of leading men in war by saying that the successful officer had to win the hearts of his men. And Monty’s boss, Ike Eisenhower, certainly wasn’t chosen for his acute intellectual brilliance; but for demonstrating the greatest brilliance in gaining cooperation from his officers and men.” William Glasser, M.D.

August 5, 1999 Boss vs. Lead [Management] Dear Dr. Glasser, I still encounter quite a few people that believe, based on what they think you have said, that there is never a “bottom line” etc. There is also a common belief that if a person in a leadership role ever makes a decision, they are a boss. For example, “Sometimes you have to be a boss. If the building is on fire, you can’t have a committee to decide what to do.” This thinking categorizes Boss and lead so much that several people I know are afraid to ever make a decision, therefore are perceived as weak leaders. This is my latest attempt to help others understand Lead vs. Boss, etc. I have used this model twice and it seems to help. I, obviously, realize that this is a little different from what you teach, so I would appreciate your thoughts on distinguishing between counseling, leadership and managing.

August 11, 1999 Dear: This follows my phone call, and I think that you’re on to something. When you say that sometimes you have to be a “boss,” I think that there are two ways of interpreting that. I prefer to interpret it as you tell the people that there are decisions you have to make and that you will certainly be interested in their input. However, the decision is going to go in this particular direction because of large variety of factors that they may not have a complete understanding of. Therefore, the maintenance of the company line in the managing aspect is necessary. I just sent a letter out to one of our people telling him that I had to maintain the company line with regards to the last convention. I said it as nicely as I possibly could and explained as best I could. But, I think a lead manager’s job is to sometimes say that in all situations we can’t always accept the lead-managed principle of “I’ll do what I think is best and you’ll do what you think is best and together we’ll solve the problem.” Based on the idea that we can only control our own behavior but sometimes we have to control our own behavior in a way that other people are dissatisfied. As far as conferencing and counseling, I think those are pretty obvious. The hard part is to explain the managing aspect in a way that people will accept it. I believe the basis for that is, if you’re really running a “Choice Theory organization,” and everyone is trying to practice Choice Theory, that people will be able to understand it. A Choice Theory atmosphere will give the organization enough flexibility that they’ll understand there are times when the management has to make a decision. But, I think all of this should be talked about all along so that when the management does make a decision, I think it’s good to explain why and not just come up with a decision and say you can’t. I did that extensively in the letter I just wrote. Anyway, keep up the good work and I certainly want you to know that I’m supporting what you’re doing. Cordially- William Glasser, M.D.

Dear Doctor Glasser, … One area where I really fall down is in employment. I have a BA from Simon Fraser University and took a teacher training year but a failed the final practicum because I had so little confidence in what I was doing (I didn’t like teaching much at any rate). I have been eking out a living doing minor home repairs. My father was a family physician so I grew up in a middle class household. I would like to do something worthwhile but I don’t know what that would be. Sorry for the rambling epic. Best regards and thank you, January 15, 2004 Dear, I received your latest e-mail and there is nothing wrong with “eking” out a living doing minor home repairs. If as you eke out this living, try to build relationships with the people you are working for. Tell them that you are trying to help them out at a reasonable price and do a good job for them. And as you talk with them, I think you will do more than eke out a living. You’ll probably get more business than you can possibly handle. Doing a good job for a person is really appreciated and is also a wonderful way to build a relationship. You can’t build a relationship with a psychiatric drug. I am glad you are re-reading the book “Warning: Psychiatry Can be Hazardous to Your Mental Health.” I would appreciate it if you could share the ideas with people you know. If you take this advice and improve the relationships with the people you work with, then I would like to hear from you again. I like getting letters from people. I don’t mind answering at all. Best- Bill Glasser, M.D.

June 27, 2007 Hi, I’m the Executive Director of an agency that I’ve been with for twenty years, the past ten as the ED. While I have attempted to use the model of Choice Theory in all aspects of my life and have also attempted to give away information to anyone (and sometimes everyone), I currently find myself in a bit of a dilemma. How can a lead manager ensure limits are maintained without the use of external control? The staff has had a habit of coming to work late and/or leaving work early. As long as this behavior had no negative effect on the office, I chose to continue along my merry way. These past three months, there have been times when we were unable to open our doors, on time, as we didn’t have the necessary two staff on site at our scheduled 8: 15 AM start time. On more than one of these occasions, participants were left waiting outside until a second staff person arrived (for safety reasons, an agency policy is that there be two staff in the building at all times when open for business). Similar issues were resulting from the leaving early folks, as participants arrived, unannounced (as are most of our appointments) only to find the person they sought had left early. Our program manager monitored these behaviors for a three-month period. We discovered that if we added up all the late time and applied an equal dollar value to it, we could hire someone to cover the early morning openings (if we correspondingly reduced staff salaries). As this is not the first time attempts have been made to effectively change this issue, staff were less than elated to hear me once again raise it as an issue (at a regularly scheduled staff meeting). So, here’s my problem … as ED, I have signed contracts that state our hours of operation, so I am responsible for honoring all parts of the contract. I’ve hired good, capable people. I want to be a lead manager, and stay out of the way for good, capable people to do their best. When push comes to shove and the limits are not being honored… how do I take care of business?

I did present the staff with the option of hiring someone for the early morning and as that would mean a reduction in their dollars, I’m pretty sure ‘they are not amused.’ I have tried other options - late arrivers- work through lunch, take on new project, stay late; early leavers - arrive early, work through lunch, new projects. Sometimes the time limits have been honored, yet seldom has any measurable work gotten done (primarily because the work is only here when the participants are here!) Please … I’m hungry for information … July 13, 2007 Dear: I read your letter carefully. As far as I am concerned, the only way to deal with that problem is to have a meeting with the staff, turn the problem over to them and ask them to help solve it. As I am sure you realize, your job as the Executive Director is not to enforce attendance. I would suggest that you have a meeting with the whole staff and tell them there is a problem, and that it is not your problem but the staff’s problem. Tell them it is solvable, that you want to discuss it without any threatening or hurting, but you want them to present you with a solution that you can apply. It will take continuous effort, but I feel that if you make this the number one issue, you should come to a successful agreement. If they won’t make any effort to solve it and the problem continues, you may very well decide that your only solution is to resign. Let them know that you cannot work in a setting where the people who have responsibilities do not show up. If they come to you and say it is a big problem and needs to be solved, you can continue to make attempts. I would be interested to know what your thoughts are on my suggestion. This is a course of action I have tried before, with great success, so I would like to know if it works for you. Let me know what happens. Cordially- William Glasser, M.D.

November 28, 2005 Dr. Glasser, You and I spoke on the phone a few weeks ago. I’m the guy who was Vice President Gore’s Foreign Affairs Spokesperson and then wrote foreign policy speeches for President Clinton. Today’s Washington Post has a story about how an American baseball manager took the worst team in Japan to the Japan Series, and won, by (and this is the interpretation of the Japanese themselves) reversing the typical hardball (external control) tactics of Japanese baseball managers. Now even corporate leaders are saying they have something to learn from this. Japan is ripe for instruction in Choice Theory. Do you have any contacts there? Any chance of making a visit? The article is: Softer Take on Hardball Pays Off in Japan U.S. Manager’s Style Yields Winning Team And Social Debate By Anthony Faiola Washington Post Foreign Service Monday, November 28, 2005 December 16, 2006 Dear: I appreciated the article on the manager who uses the “relationship improvement method” more than the “do it or we’ll hurt you method.” * John Wooden, who is a great basketball coach here in the United States, was using a great deal of Choice Theory. At least I believe he was, even though he may not know Choice Theory. He never punished his players or balled them out. When he took them out, he told them that he was showing them a better way to deal with the situation. A better way is Choice Theory, but “do it or I will hurt you” is not. When I was in Japan about a year ago, I worked extensively with business people. I also gave some lectures to students who were having difficulty as

the boys and girls just don’t get together because the boys only use external control and that turns the girls off. Anyway, I met with the business managers who completed our course in Choice Theory and Management. We talked personally as they could speak English. Many of these people were presidents of companies. They told me they were getting along better with their families, and especially with their wives. They stressed the fact that by using Choice Theory in their businesses, they were making more money. So, the way Choice Theory is actually taught in Japan is very successful. It is good hearing from you. Keep in touch. William Glasser, M.D. * From 1964 to 1975 as basketball coach at the University of California, Los Angeles (UCLA), John Wooden won ten National Collegiate Athletic Association (NCAA) national championships, including a record seven in a row. No other team has won more than two in a row. Within this period, his teams won a men’s basketball record 88 consecutive games. John Wooden was named national coach of the year six times.

10. TESTIMONIALS Dr. Glasser, After speedily perusing your latest book, “Warning: Psychiatry can be Hazardous to your Mental Health,” I feel I must get a quick message to you. BRAVO for you!! You can’t know how much I admire your courage in taking on the psychiatric profession (and being a psychiatrist yourself!). Thank you!

My life has been transformed on every level by Dr. William Glasser and the implementation of Choice Theory in my life. Personally, every relationship in my life, especially the one with myself has improved and become more improved and authentic. I can say that I am a happy person because I understand myself and others more fully and I am capable of choosing a way of being in the world that is very need satisfying. Professionally I have experienced remarkable success. I am an elementary school educator and my classroom environment and teaching has developed into a passionate way of being, and my students benefit from my growth and understanding. After working with the Glassers and meeting a variety of therapists from around the world, I decided to complete a Masters in Counseling degree. I wanted to have the professional credentials to teach Choice Theory and help others on a more intimate level. Clearly, as you can see, meeting Dr. William Glasser and learning and applying Choice Theory in my life has helped to enrich my life beyond my own expectations! I only hope others will benefit as much from this great man and his message to the world.

I would like to thank William Glasser for his thoughts on alternative ideas\to

treating mental illness as I have looked at his various points in the book and have applied them to myself and have found a way of coping with my problems by using certain aspects of Choice Theory. I have chosen not to take the crazy path and the voices in my head have quieted down. This is due to the information I read in the book and I realized that I was making myself worse by trying to live up to my diagnosis rather than just being me. Thank you Mr. Glasser for writing “Warning Psychiatry can be Hazardous to Your Mental Health,” it has helped me to change my life around.

Dr. Glasser, I discovered your work through reading about GL Harrington in Marlon Brando’s biography earlier this year. He struck me as an impressive man, contented and uncontrolled by his surroundings. I was so impressed that I wanted to know more about Dr. Harrington. When I found you were a protégé of his and that you sought to expand on his work I began to read your books. As I read I felt like I had seen these concepts before. Then it finally dawned on me, the way of life to happiness you uncovered is mirrored in Scripture. I’ve read the Bible for many years but had great difficulty enacting or applying its words in my life to create happiness. Your work helped make available in my life all the concepts of the Bible and de-mystify passages that seemed contradictory and unclear before. The parallels are all there: external control is man’s attempt to play God. And when I judge another, I’m playing God–that’s criticism. And I’m destroying my own happiness behind the scenes in the process. Not criticizing is the forgiveness of sin, and acceptance of others and yourself. Now I ask people what’s wrong and allow them, through God’s grace (which has given me happiness), to strengthen their own connection with God without them knowing it. Your books have allowed me to understand the importance of and to strengthen my own connection with God in my life to a level where I’ve gained control by relinquishing all attempts to exercise it externally.

As a Christian, I also believe that Choice Theory goes hand in hand with the

teachings of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” I often heard Bill say that people are about as happy, as they make up their minds to be. The Bible tells us to be content no matter what the circumstances are. We have a choice to rejoice and not be a complainer.

If I were asked what ideas have been the major influences on shaping my life, I would say that in first place comes the teachings of Jesus of Nazareth, and after that the ideas of William Glasser. Both have been sources of enlightenment and liberating and envisioning and direction for me. The Christian manifesto of Jesus gave me a framework to make sense of the first forty years or so and gave me a platform to take on several pieces of work which were both fruitful for others and immensely satisfying for myself. When the political structures supporting the manifesto became constricting and oppressive, the Glasser philosophy of living from the inside out instead of the outside in came to my rescue and provided me with the intellectual and moral tools to cut myself free and to make some radical life changes in a way that was entirely authentic for me. I am and will always be profoundly grateful for that. I mention Jesus and Glasser in the same breath, not to dilute the importance of Glasser, but to underline that in my opinion the contribution which he makes to our understanding what we are about as individuals and as relationships and as societies is a profound and as far-reaching as the original Christian revolution was. The challenges which it presents to us as individuals and as social groupings are immense, but the rewards of finding respectful and need-satisfying and creative solutions to our problems are staggering. It is a pleasure to teach these ideas in many different ways and different arenas. I continue to be delighted at how so many people from such a diversity of educational and economic and social backgrounds find such a

clear common humanity in the context of Choice Theory and respond with the same enthusiasm to the news that it is in our own hands to decide what our future will be like. Thanks for the inspiration, Dr. Glasser.

November 17, 2002 Dear Dr. Glasser I am writing this letter to consult with the father of Reality Therapy, and Choice Theory, and receive some feedbacks and guidance regarding my Ph.D. dissertation. I am originally from Iran. I am a LPC counselor, and a Ph.D. counseling student at St. Mary’s University, San Antonio, TX. I am also a Reality Therapy Institute member and going through the basic practicum training now. My goal is to become RT certified and continue my training to eventually become a senior faculty of RT Institute, which takes a lot of hard work and commitment. I have finished writing my dissertation proposal this semester on the following subject: “Comparing and Contrasting Two Humanistic Perspectives of Human nature: Dr. William Glasser’s Choice Theory and Reality Therapy, and Dr. Shariati’s Islamic Humanism. I’ll briefly explain the subject of my dissertation here. Dr. Ali Shariati was an Iranian sociologist (1933-1977), the founder of “Islamic Renaissance Movement” of Iran in 1970s. He developed a revolutionary humanistic perspective of human nature based on Islamic philosophy for the first time in the history of Islam and especially Iran. And, his ideas are quite unique in the Islamic world. Unfortunately there have not been enough academic studies done on his ideas, particularly from psychological perspectives on his view of human nature. I have found many similarities between Shariati’s Islamic Humanism and Glasser’s Choice Theory. And, I would like to analyze these two approaches in my dissertation; the work that I have already started in the form of an article and my dissertation proposal. The interesting aspect of my work is

that, it is the first time that Shariati’s approach -regarding the human natureis analyzed from a psychological perspective, and is compared with Glasser’s theory. And, it is also the first time that a comprehensive examination of Glasser’s theory is done from an Iranian-Islamic perspective. Although these two approaches are from different cultures, they share some essential grounds regarding their views of human nature. The fundamental similarity is that they both are “humanistic”. It means they see individuals, as free, independent, powerful, and able creatures to make conscious choices in their lives, and shape their lifestyle and destiny.

Their shared humanistic view emphasizes four main characteristics of human nature: 1. Humans are “social beings”; 2. They are “relationship-oriented”, having a natural need of care, love, and belonging; 3. They have a natural need and tendency for “internal control”; 4. They emphasize on the social context. That means they both characterize the human nature, and look for solutions to the problems of the humanity within the social context. Another similarity is that, Glasser, and Shariati both are ideologists. That is showing a path and direction to actualize an ideal social system: Glasser’s “Choice Theory Society,” and Shariati’s “Utopia.” But the ways they offer to approach those ideal social systems are different in terms of interaction, and mutual responsibilities between an individual and the social context. Shariati believes that both the collective and the individual have mutual choices, powers, and responsibilities to influence on, and direct each other. Islamic Humanism emphasizes that the social context has a responsibility to provide opportunities for the individuals to satisfy their natural-in born needs, and to help them shape directions of their lives. Shariati also emphasizes on the responsibility of the individuals to help the social context to obtain that contextual potency. This individual-collective mutual responsibility is a concept that does not seem to be emphasized in Glasser’s theory. Glasser disputes against the “external control psychology”, “Choice Theory Society”, a social system in which people dynamic relationships based on a balance between their power This balance provides opportunities for the individuals to

in favors of can exercise and freedom. exercise the

“internal control” to satisfy their “basic needs” in the ways they choose and want to. Doing this comparison, I will accomplish two goals. First, I analyze Shariati’s Islamic view of human nature, from the Glasser’s psychological perspective. That provides a guideline to structure Shariait’s view within a psychological framework. This analysis provides a ground to accomplish the second goal. Shariati’s psychologically-structured view provides a ground to analyze the similarities and differences between these two approaches. And, ultimately, this framework helps examine the flexibility, adaptability, and applicability of Glasser’s Choice Theory and Reality Therapy for the IranianIslamic culture. In another words, Glasser’s theory is like a pair of eyeglasses used to see Shariati’s perspective from psychological, thus counseling angles. And, Shariti’s view is a framework applied to examine the cross-cultural flexibility and applicability of Glasser’s counseling approach for IranianIslamic culture. Following finishing my Ph.D. and RT training, my plan is to teach, and practice the concepts of Choice Theory, and Reality Therapy in Iran, and eventually become involved in opening the first Reality Therapy center in Iran, which takes a lot of effort and commitment. Accomplishing this goal, I will hopefully make a contribution to enhance the ongoing process of the cross-cultural learning and understanding between two American and Iranian nations. If possible, I would like to send my dissertation proposal or my article to you, and receive some feedback. Please let me know where I can send my paper. Let’s hope for a more peaceful future for humanity. My best wishes- sincerely yours, November 26, 2002 Dear: From the letter you sent me, there is a great deal of similarity between the two. Unfortunately philosophical principals and human beings who follow

them, are two very different things. But it is very interesting that someone from a different background would come up with almost the same ideas and I think it is very interesting and somewhat flattering idea that you would compare me with one of your great Islamic scholars. So, please go ahead and continue your work. Keep me posted. Cordially- William Glasser, M.D.

In summary, my professional identity and any success I’ve had squarely rests upon Bill Glasser’s shoulders. In my personal relationships as well I have benefited beyond measure from understanding I am applying the concepts I’ve learned and internalized over these many years. Additionally, just as all those associated and networked with Bill, I’ve had the opportunity to meet scores of wonderful and talented colleagues. I welcome this opportunity to thank Bill and to express my deepest love and appreciation for him as a person, friend, colleague and, most notably, mentor.

OK. … about the new book. Brilliant!!!!!! Magnificent!!!!!! Excellent!!!!!! And I do mean all of the above. I think I’ve read much of what you have written and perhaps all of what you have published since I picked up Reality Therapy in the library of the Graduate School of Social Work at the University of Pittsburgh back on that fateful day in the Fall of 1965. And this latest… Reality Therapy in Action is simply great. Your way is writing places little of gems of thought in about every sentence. So, I have completed reading the entire book ….. now I am going back, chapter by chapter, paragraph by paragraph and sentence by sentence. This is how I study it sentence by sentence, notes on paper, notes in the margins and underlining.

Dr. Glasser and Choice Theory transformed my life. I finally realized the only person’s life that I could control or change was my own. This IS a very freeing concept as a wife, mother, and teacher. I also now understand that I can only give information to those I love and hope that the information will assist them in making the right choices for them. One question that I now always use when relating to another is The Ultimate Question, “Is what I am about to say or do going to bring us closer together, or drive us further apart?” I have gone on to be a member of the William Glasser Faculty. I am very proud of this. I have also become a Certified Parent Coach and use Choice Theory when I am coaching parents. I have read every book Dr. Glasser has written and many that his colleagues have written and each has enriched my life and those I see daily.

Dr. Glasser has given me a way to understand human behavior, my own and others, at a deeper level and to connect in a more meaningful way. I have worked with troubled boys for 30 years and I used to think it was necessary to control their behavior and to make them change whether they wanted to or not. I now see how important it is to love these children and to help them to learn how to live happier, more productive lives. It is actually difficult in some ways to work this way, but seeing these young men become happy and successful in their relationships is clearly worth the effort. In my personal life, I have made a similar change in attitude, which has resulted in my colleagues, friends and family feeling supported and nurtured by the improved quality of our relationships. I will continue to use and to teach Choice Theory, Dr. Glasser’s ideas and related information as long as I am able, recognizing that these ideas will grow as we all learn how to be more effective in all that we are called to do.

I haven’t had the opportunity to see you since your residence in Ohio three years ago, but I have been thinking of you. I am currently reading Richard

Carlson’s “Don’t Sweat The Small Stuff” and one of the ideas that he mentions is to write a letter a week to people who you want to thank for their personal influence that impacted on your life. As I made out a list of those that I wanted to thank your name was on the top of the list, and in fact, this is my first letter. It is amazing how long that list becomes once you start thinking about it. So you are on the top of my list and I want to thank you for helping me to understand what I believe in.

Where would I be today without Choice Theory? Studying with Dr. Glasser and his associates I continue to learn the nuances of Reality Therapy. Schools Without Failure was being applauded by educators around the country. Together with my esteemed colleagues and friends I began introductory workshops. What I had not yet learned in the very early days, however, was how Bill would influence me personally. As the ideas which later became Choice Theory evolved, I embarked on some serious self evaluation. I began to weigh what I wanted against what I was getting, which initiated a series of discussions that amicably ended my first marriage. In addition I took responsibility for my own well-being and decided to quit smoking and embark on a weight loss program, and began exercising. I learned the Importance of what Bill refers to as connections in great part through my personal relationships with him and his family. Being involved from the beginning allowed me the unique privilege of getting to know him, Naomi, and their children. It was during those personal ties that I had some of the most revealing conversations. I was humbled through the years when he sought my advice. Later, I appreciated it when he recalled an opinion written by my Wife and considered her point of view a valid one. As a friend, I know Bill as a man who values travel, literature, theater, sports, fine food and friends. He sees people through a fine-tuned, utterly perceptive lens. I am certain that he wakes in the middle of the night to write a chapter for his next book. He truly wants to make the world a better place by teaching Choice Theory. He captivates an audience with his keen insight and legendary sense of humor. As a faculty member of the William Glasser

Institute, I continue to teach, to laugh, and to learn from its founder as he refines, rethinks, renames, and writes anew. I can hardly wait to see what lies ahead!

I thank God for thinkers and natural practitioners like Dr. Glasser. Our perceptions of the world are not static and linear due to His will. Our perceptions are dynamic and systemic in nature due to his teachings, understandings and research. I re-educated myself through his work and found that mental and emotional health is possible, much more than the absence of mental illness. I hope humanity utilizes his work with the professionalism needed to understand the complexity of his Ideas. His constancy of purpose in internally-controlled relationships in parenting, education, management and counseling is admirable and scientifically sound.

11. COLLEGIALITY Introduction of Dr. Glasser for his keynote address at the American Counseling Association Meeting in New Orleans, 2002 By Robert E. Wubbolding, Ed. D., Senior FacultyWilliam Glasser Institute. I have the honor of introducing Dr. William Glasser with whom I have been associated since 1972. He definitely qualifies as a member of what Tom Brocaw has called, “America’s Greatest Generation.” This generation has brought us the most opportunity driven society the world has ever seen. Dr. Glasser is the son of immigrant parents and his accomplishments represent a tribute to cultural assimilation. Founder of reality therapy, a system considered in 1965 to be a radical controversial methodology by his peers, he has since adopted a theory to support it and has gained worldwide acceptance and support. He and a few of his colleagues continue to develop it and extend the ideas. Twenty-seven years ago he initiated a training and certification process for this system that is sometimes described as easy to understand. But using reality therapy accurately and practicing it personally is much harder and requires consistency along with training and supervision. For more information you are invited to stop by booth 214 or 436 in the exhibit hall. In 1995 Bill married Carleen, my wife Sandie’s best friend. Together, Bill and Carleen expand and demonstrate the principles and applications of choice theory and reality therapy as they teach around the world. This system is now taught and practiced in about 25 countries: in North Africa, Africa, Asia, South America, Europe, and the Middle East. Clearly this theory and practice has universal applications. Dr. Glasser’s basic principle is that from birth to death we are all continuously generating behavior: actions, cognition, emotions and physiology. Most of our behavior contains at least an element of choice.

Consequently, we are not mere victims of outside forces. On the contrary, deepening our interpersonal relationships through conscious decisions alleviates our problems. I am proud to present to you someone I call friend and mentor, the founder of reality therapy, psychiatrist, president of the William Glasser Institute, author of books too numerous to count, Carleen’s husband, and one of America’s greatest generation, Dr. William Glasser.

April 18, 2003 Hi: I just received the evaluations from ACA [American Counseling Association] for our workshop. They were outstanding. All 5 out of 5. Comments included: “Phenomenal, please continue these.” “Excellent presentation. Well worth the time and attendance at this conference. Very enlightening information appropriate to the professional…” “Uplifting and thought provoking presentation!!” “This was wonderful.” “If this was the only presentation at the conference it would have been worth it and I traveled from Portland, Maine!” Congratulations gentlemen! Jon [Carlson] April 30, 2003 Dear Jon: I certainly enjoyed the workshop and I am glad we received good

evaluations. I look forward to doing something like that again or something where we not only talk about what we do, but we demonstrate it. We need something to liven up some of these semi-dead presentations. So, whatever you can generate for the future, you can count on me. I am hoping to be invited back to the American Counseling Association to talk about Choice Theory Focus Groups at the next meeting in Kansas City. By then, I hope we will have a few groups started so that we can really show people that this is possible. I sent the Choice Theory Focus Group video. My hope is that I will be given an hour and a half to talk to the whole group in Kansas City. I don’t need 3 hours. Actually I could do it as little as 45 minutes, but I would have the whole group for 90 minutes. But as I said, I’ll settle for less. We’ve got to get the idea across of how important mental health is and that we, the counselors, are the group behind mental health. All the rest are involved with mental illness. Also, I wanted to thank you for the nomination for Governor’s State University. I would certainly appreciate it. If they decide to present me with this honor, I would hate to have something important scheduled that I couldn’t cancel. So, the sooner I know the better. With the new book hitting book stores, my schedule will start filling up. Jon, I appreciate your thinking of me. Best- Bill May 2, 2003 Greetings, I am in the process of putting together a biological statement to accompany your chapter in The Finest Hour. Please respond to the following questions. - What do you see as your finest accomplishment? - What is your favorite project/publication?

- What do you do when you have nothing to do? - How did you choose your dominant theoretical orientation? Your prompt response would be greatly appreciated. Thanks again for your wonderful contribution. Warm regards, Jon May 9, 2003 Dear Jon, Here are the answers to your questions. What do you see as your finest accomplishment? My favorite accomplishments are the books I have written, especially the few which incorporate Choice Theory in everything I do. Of those books, my recent book, Warning: Psychiatry Can be Hazardous to Your Mental Health, is actually my favorite. What is your favorite project/publication? I have already talked about my favorite publication. My favorite project is The William Glasser Institute and helping it grow all over the world. I’m doing everything I can to use the Institute to spread my ideas and the ideas of other people who work with me. What do you do when you have nothing to do? When time allows, I like to watch sporting events or the public service channel on television. I rarely watch commercial programs because I can’t tolerate the advertising. I look forward to the Lehrer News Hour every day. How did you choose your dominant theoretical orientation? I really can’t answer this. I just seemed to be dissatisfied with much of what I was taught early in my career, both in psychology and psychiatry. I began to

think about what I’m writing about now and that is that mental health really has nothing to do with mental illness and mental illness doesn’t really exist. When I got confirmation of that thinking from my great teacher, Dr. Harrington, I continued in this path ever since. Jon, I hope this helps. Feel free to edit what I’ve written. Best- Bill P.S. I know you called the other night. Carleen and I should be around all weekend and I don’t fly out until Thursday of next week. So, feel free to call me anytime. December 10, 2003 Dear Bill, I hope all is well in your world. Jeffrey Kottler and I are in the process of putting together another book based upon interviews with leading therapists. Hopefully you have seen our three previous books entitled, Bad Therapy: Master Therapists Share Their Worst Failures, The Mummy at the Dining Room Table: Eminent Therapists Reveal Their Most Unusual Cases and My Finest Hour: Renown Therapists Discuss Their Greatest Therapeutic Successes. Each of these books has been well received by professionals and lay people alike. Our new book involves looking at how clients change the lives of therapists. There has been considerable research about the ways that therapists are impacted negatively by the process of therapy. This includes books about compassion fatigue, burnout and counter transference; all of which warn practitioners to be on guard against supposedly dangerous side effects that can result by allowing oneself to care too much or get too close to a client’s issues. As such, therapists rarely if ever talk about the transformations that they experience as the result of their therapeutic encounters. This is forbidden territory and we just don’t acknowledge or reveal it publicly. We would like to interview you about a time in your career when you were most transformed by a particular client or case and how it has changed your life.

The process involves finding a time for Jeffrey and I to call. - Tell us about a time that most stands out to you when you were most transformed or changed by a client. This could have been an experience that changed you personally and/or professionally. - Present the context in your own life that you feel made you ripe for this sort of change. Tell the narrative in detail and with dialogue if possible to make the story come alive. - What was it about this experience that was so impactful and influential to you? - What is the current state of things for you now in the present as a result of this experience? What about your client (if you know)? - What could others plus therapists and the public learn from this encounter about the nature of how significant changes occur? I hope you are willing to join us in this adventure. I look forward to hearing from you. Warm Regards, Jon December 24, 2003 Dear Jon: I can only say that I love counseling. I have never had any burnout or anything like that. I quit my private practice because I honestly couldn’t continue to keep an office open and stay on top of as many other things as I was doing. But I would be lying to say I can remember any client who transformed me at all or that I got great growth from. I had great growth working with lots of clients. Some of the clients I mentioned in Counseling with Choice Theory, had a lot of effect on me, but whether I grew from the experience I really can’t say. I think other people do and I think they will give you real growth experiences. Mine, as I sit here dictating this, it doesn’t

really register with me, although I have very good memory. I’ve grown through knowing you, Jon and from the experiences I have had with you. I am willing to do whatever you need me to do. Perhaps you could help jog my memory or something. Anyway, I look forward to hearing from you when you finish the play and check it out with Tony. That will be real interesting. Best- Bill October 15, 2004 Bill: I would like to be a Fellow of ACA and was wondering if you would write a letter of support? I believe that I meet the stated qualifications and have been nominated by Hugh Crethar. I have attached my statement and vita. I think you can just send an email but a hardcopy on letterhead would be nice to enclose with the nomination. Thanks for your consideration. Warm Regards, Jon October 25, 2004 To Whom It May Concern: It gives me great pleasure to support Jon Carlson as a fellow of ACA. Jon and I have become very close. We have done so much together and we think so much alike. I am now an honorary Alderian and he certainly is a very, very honorary Glasserian at this stage of the game. What I like about Jon is his unselfishness. He is not looking for fame or fortune or anything like that. He’s really trying to do everything he can to help human beings deal with their problems and their unhappiness. I’ve presented with him at my conference in Chicago this past July and we had a marvelous time. The

conference people liked him so much that the head of our organization in Korea, Rose Kim, invited Jon to come to Korea and talk with the people there. I don’t want to go on and on, but believe me, whatever the qualifications for being a fellow of ACA are, Jon certainly meets them and even exceeds them. If there are any questions you would like to ask me about Jon, it would be an honor to answer them. Cordially- William Glasser, M.D.

Critique of Cloe Madanes’ Paper: Evolution of Psychotherapy Conference I really have no background in the things Cloe described in her presentation. For example, working with whole families: parents, grandparents, children, aunts, uncles, everyone in the family. As far as I know she’s the only one that does this but certainly shows it has payoff. She has led people to get along better together and to stop doing self-destructive things that probably could not have been accomplished without her work with the whole family. She talks a lot about heart and how important heart is, i.e. the feeling of love and closeness, to augment the more mundane aspects of our lives. If anyone can personally demonstrate in a presentation and through her work how important heart is, that person is Cloe. You could see her heart was in every word she spoke, both in her paper and in her presentation. Where I might differ from her is that she takes for granted that she knows what families ought to do, such as making things up to each other or getting down on their knees and begging each other for forgiveness. These are things that I wouldn’t do because I always thought they would cause a lot of anger and resentment. But in her instance, it seems to work and I am not one to quarrel with success, even though I can’t see myself doing these things with a whole family. It just is beyond my scope of what I’ve done as a therapist in my many years of doing therapy.

I can see however, that when she sets this goal for families to really ask each other for forgiveness that she is tapping into a desperation to go back into a family that evidently the people she works with feel very strongly. I have worked with many people who have just the opposite attitude toward family, and are more desperate to separate from them and stay away from them than they are to be with them. Maybe you could say underneath these people are rejecting their families because they have been so unsuccessful in it. If they had been exposed to the work Cloe does, they might feel differently. I do think that some families are so destructive that it is sometimes best to separate from them and create new relationships and a new family as well as you possibly can. Even though I don’t believe it would be possible for me to do the thing she does, I was also impressed that in many respects she and I share the same psychological point of view. Both of us are rebelling against Freudian psychiatry. Both of us are rebelling against the epidemic of organic psychiatry with all the drugs that are now the present solution for all mental health problems of the world. As far as I’m concerned I believe, along with Dr. Peter Breggin and others who don’t use drugs, that drugs not only don’t solve the problem; they exacerbate the problem. It certainly seems that Cloe believes strongly in psychotherapy and helping people reconnect with each other. None of this could ever be accomplished by drugs. Legal and illegal drugs that work on the mind, as far as I’m concerned are a plague on humanity. I suppose that what Cloe is really talking about is mental health. There is a huge void in mental health thinking in the professional community, because we talk about mental health, we’re really pointing to people having difficulties. So we focus on the mental illness instead of looking underneath it to helping people toward the relationships they need to really experience mental health. Mental health as far as I am concerned is having satisfying, pleasurable, happy relationships with the people in your lives, especially with the people in your family. I work with schools, and when a child who has been failing in school begins to succeed in school, that child has done a great deal for his/her mental health.

In finishing, I say read her paper and believe it. If you can’t do what she does, as I think I can’t, admire it. If you can, then learn from it, and expand the work that she is pioneering.

March 29, 1999 Dr. William Glasser The William Glasser Institute Dear Dr. Glasser: I am looking forward to being with you and the other presenters at the National Conference on Internal Psychology on May 13 and 14 at the Burlington Campus of Northwest University. I have read with great interest your book, Choice Theory, so I think I know the position that you will present. I am enclosing a copy of my main paper for the Conference, which I shall presumably shorten to fit the time period. I am quite hard of hearing, although I wear hearing aids, and therefore I will have trouble discussing your and the other presentations if I don’t have any advanced copies. If microphones are used, that sometimes makes it harder for me to make out what is being said. So I would appreciate your sending me, in advance of the conference, a copy of your main presentation. I am also sending you under separate cover, several of my recent articles, so that you will see where I stand on internal psychology at the present. Cordial regards, Albert Ellis, Ph.D., President April 19, 1999 Albert Ellis, Ph.D., President Albert Ellis Institute Dear Dr. Ellis, I appreciate your letter and the fact that you’ve written a paper including

some of your observations on my book, Choice Theory. I am not going to prepare a paper for the conference since my presentation is the book, Choice Theory, which you have read. You needn’t worry that I’m going to come up with anything that’s different from that book. I’ll certainly be attentive to the fact that you have a hearing loss and I’ll try to do my very best to make what I say coherent to you and to listen to what you have to say. I appreciate your being there with me and I look forward to seeing you in May, and again at the Evolution of Psychotherapy Conference next year. Cordially- William Glasser, M.D.

March 26, 2004 Dear Dr. Glasser: In September 2004, Prometheus Books will publish a new work by Dr. Albert Ellis, titled The Road to Tolerance: The Philosophy of Rational Emotive Behavior; a work we hope will be both valuable to the general public and useful in college courses. The author has suggested to us that you would be an excellent candidate to review the manuscript and offer a promotional comment that we might use for the back cover of the book and/ or in advertisements, brochures, and flyers designed to market this important new work to the widest possible audience. I have enclosed a copy of our catalog description for you to consider. If you would be willing to review the manuscript, we would be delighted to send a copy to you, but I will need to hear from you by April 9, 2004. We would very much appreciate your help in this regard. I look forward to your favorable reply. Please specify the address to which you would like the manuscript copy sent. Sincerely,

Jeremy Sauer Editorial Assistant May 10, 2004 Attention: Editor Albert Ellis’s Book: The Road to Tolerance Dear Sir/Madame: Unfortunately, I lost your letter, so I am directing this correspondence to the editor of Dr. Ellis’s book. The Road to Tolerance is a book filled with wisdom. The wisdom of a man who has observed his fellow creatures, interacted with them and become very acquainted with their positive and negative aspects. In this book he does not spare himself or anyone else. It allows anyone who reads it to get closer to other people and to himself also. This is a rare opportunity to share what has been accumulating in Albert Ellis’s head for almost 90 years. Sincerely- William Glasser, M.D. Author of Warning. psychiatry Can be Hazardous to Your Mental Health, 2003, HarperCollins. New York

April 29, 2008 Dear Dr. Wubbolding: We would like to commend you on your excellent presentation at Loyola Marymount University recently on our behalf. Your contributions to the teaching of The William Glasser Institute have had, over the last thirty years, a huge impact on the promotion of Reality Therapy and Choice Theory throughout the world.

We specifically believe your work in teaching the procedures that lead to change in Reality Therapy counseling to be particularly effective in our training programs. The WDEP program that you developed to deliver questions in Reality Therapy, offer a therapist a way to counsel that is very need-satisfying to the person being helped, because they facilitate solutions which are internally motivated. With this counseling procedure, change is possible for people who have been making ineffective choices throughout their lives. Without specific procedures being used to not only establish a relationship of safety and trust, but to also create the environment for self-evaluation to occur, a change in behavior would be unlikely. Teaching people Choice Theory as part of the procedures that lead to change (The WDEP System) is a truly unique way to counsel, manage, supervise or coach and together they help to establish a viable Public Mental Health delivery system. To quote you, as you so aptly stated in metaphor, Choice Theory is the track, Reality Therapy is the train.” We thank you, Bob, for your wisdom, creativity, and untiring service to humanity. Sincerely, William Glasser, M.D. and Carleen Glasser

Erickson Consulting Beth M. Erickson, Ph.D. 22 January 2007 Dear Bill, I was thrilled to get your letter last week. First of all, it was nice to be in touch. And then to have such an enthusiastic response to my request that you write a foreword was absolutely thrilling! You have always been so willing to help. I remember the occasion time in graduate school when I would question

my suitability to get a Ph.D., you’d say, “Get your doctorate kid.” That’s all you said, but that’s all you had to say. I was blessed to have your mentoring. And I thrived with it. And there you are willing to be a blessings again! I am enclosing some of my manuscript for your consideration. I have marked the chapters that I think will be most relevant to you. From the evening of March 1st to March 4th, I will be in L.A. for a book publishing seminar headed up by Mark Victor Hansen, the chicken soup series editor. I will be at the Westin Los Angeles Airport. If you and your wife are available to meet for lunch or dinner any of those days, I’d be delighted. It would be wonderful to see you, since I haven’t since your anniversary celebration (which one was that?) in Cincinnati. I’d also love to meet your wife. Thanks again from the bottom of my heart. Warmly, Beth M. Erickson, Ph.D. February 20, 2007 Dear Beth, I am 81 years old and approaching 82 right now. I am still very active and my wife Carleen and I are in the process of publishing a new book through Harper Collins called Eight Lessons for a Happier Marriage. My first wife passed away about 14 years ago. I then got together with Carleen who happened to be one of the instructors in our Institute. I slowly became close to her and when I found out that she was in the process of getting a divorce. I wrote her a letter and that was the best letter I have ever written in my life. We got together after that letter and we have been together ever since. When you are older and have children, it takes a while, but I finally got a message from my daughter, that it would be okay to get married. We married at our big annual meeting in Philadelphia and because it was our meeting, we had about 400 people in attendance. People told me that although I was always a conservative person this was the first wedding they had ever gone to where they had to pay for their own dinner. All in all it was a wonderful wedding

and we have been very happy ever since. So, that is my life now. You know me very well as we worked together so many years ago. As I said previously, your book is a very personal book. It describes your view on things and how you have figured out the journaling parts and the other parts, all of which I highly approve of. I’m a writer, but I have never kept a journal, although I have talked to people who have. I think my writing has been my journal. I still lecture and still draw large audiences and they tend to appreciate what I have to say. I’ll enclose several booklets called Defining Mental Health as a Public Health Issue. We give them out to anyone who is interested. If you want 20 or 30 to share with people, just be in touch with my office. We send out up to 30 at no charge. I live my whole life according to Choice Theory. You have a lot of information in the beginning of your book about making choices and I can’t deny that as I have been making choices. But as I get older, I realize more and more just how important the choices are. If it is a choice, then there is usually another choice. The better choice is the choice that brings us closer together with the important people in our life. The poor choices, as shown in the enclosed booklets, are the choices that separate us from the important people in our life. At this stage, I don’t believe that there are hundreds of human problems, but only one and that is learning to get along better with the important people in our lives and removing all of the external control that we can from our lives. External control: trying to control others, escaping from the control of others, is essentially the only human problem, whether it is the war in Iraq or a war in a family. Your book puts a very personal take on that problem. Of course, that is what is going to be so interesting to people. You have lived a long life and it has been an exciting life for you. I have been a part of your life certainly, as I worked with you in the school in Maryland. It was a wonderful place and we worked with a wonderful principal whom I actually lost touch with recently, although we stayed in touch for quite a while.

This letter is about our work together and how your work was so helpful to me. I learned from what you did and we succeeded together. When we parted company, I certainly felt that you would have a successful life, which you have had. That is what you want to write about in your book and that is why I said it was such a personal book. I am very pleased that I was a part of your personal life for a while. What I would like you to do is take what I said in this letter and then write a foreword to your book, knowing me, knowing our relationship, knowing how we always supported each other and how we learned from each other. I will be glad to write the foreword, but I would like you to help me with it. So, would you please write something that you would really like me to say, because I want to say what you want me to. It would give me pleasure to say it. So, please put something together and send it to me. Perhaps I can add to it. I believe your book is an important book and I would like to see it become successful. It doesn’t affect me personally because I have never looked at life in stages. I am always in the stage I am now and enjoy my life as it goes along and expands and I’m very satisfied with the direction I have taken. I don’t know if we will be able to meet you in Los Angeles. I’m not that crazy about the chicken soup series, but it is a wonderful series and a lot of people like it. My focus is on the Choice Theory ideas. I look forward to hearing from you after you think about this. Write something you would like me to say and I will feel that I have done as much as I possibly can for you. Cordially- Bill

August 25, 2004 Dear Bob: (Whitaker) A colleague of yours, sent me some correspondence between you and him. I am very happy to hear that you are aware of my ideas because I am very much aware of your work. I recently bought 100 of your books. I am giving them out at my lectures to people who want support for my book, Warning: Psychiatry can be Hazardous to Your Mental Health. You have made a wonderful study. If you, I, and a number of other people will keep at it, I think we will be able to put a dent in this focus on mental illness and drugs. I am focusing on mental health and I am teaching other people to focus on it. I believe there is such a thing as mental health. People can learn it from counseling and from reading books like mine. I am trying to persuade the American Counseling Association to adopt mental health as their goal, rather than adhering to the medical model, which they can’t fulfill anyway, because they can’t prescribe drugs. I am making some progress. My purpose is to publicize the idea of mental health. Then hopefully, the psychiatrists and drug companies that support mental illness will attack me and others for supporting mental health. That is just the position 1 want to put them in. I am glad for the opportunity to share with you what I am doing. Cordially- William Glasser, M.D. September 26, 2004 Dear Dr. Glasser, What a pleasure to hear from you. I of course know about your ideas and work, as you have been knocking holes in the accepted wisdom for some time. I couldn’t agree more with the idea we should promote mental health. What people hear today is how they are sick, which is so destructive. Although I am often pessimistic, I do think a dent is being made in pharma’s story about the wonders of its medications. I wish you the best with your work, and your book. I hope it finds a very

wide audience. I know that yours is a message that many people are eager to hear. It’s optimistic and provides people with the sense that they can make choices and do things to ease their minds, as opposed to the defeatist “I’m a pawn of my biology” message that is usually touted today. Thanks so much for buying so many of my books—that’s a wonderful note of encouragement. I hope that our paths will cross some time and that we will have an opportunity to chat in person. Best wishes, Bob Whitaker

APPENDIX William Glasser, Inc. Materials Take Charge of Your Life: Using Choice Theory Psychology to Get What You Need Choice Theory: A New Psychology of Personal Freedom Counseling with Choice Theory: The New Reality Therapy Warning: Psychiatry can be Hazardous to Your Mental Health Reality Therapy: A New Approach to Psychiatry William Glasser: A Champion of Choice- biography by Jim Roy For Parents and Teenagers: Bridging the Gap Between Them Every Student Can Succeed Glasser Online Course: Choice Theory in the Classroom: Where Every Student Can Succeed The Quality School: Managing Students Without Coercion The Quality School Teacher Schools Without Failure Choice Theory in the Classroom Teaching Choice Theory to High School Students in Class Meetings Getting Together and Staying Together Eight Lessons for a Happier Marriage What is this Thing Called Love? The Language of Choice Theory Role-Play Handbook: Counseling with Choice Theory Through Role-Play Fibromyalgia: Hope from a Completely New Perspective The Choice Theory Manager: Combining the Control Theory of William Glasser with the Wisdom of W. Edwards Deming The Identity Society Positive Addiction Glasser Class Meetings: A Curriculum to Teach Choice Theory Carleen Glasser’s Handouts My Quality World Workbook My Quality World Activity Set Chart Talk: The Choice Theory Chart Workbook Defining Mental Health as a Public Health Issue

Published by William Glasser Inc. This book continues to exemplify Dr. Glasser’s insight when he encouraged me to develop a choice theory based rehabilitation program for incarcerated persons. His foresight and advice led to a reduction in recidivism from 57% to 2.9% of paroled females from 2007 to 2012. Our organization continues supporting individuals to reorganize their lives and “pay it forward” as a living legacy to Dr. Glasser and his work. - Lester Triche, President, IECAST Inc. (Internal Empowerment Coaching and Scripture Therapy, Inc.) A rare opportunity to experience the mind of a brilliant man. This warm, funny, honest, and insightful collection of his correspondence speaks directly to you. Must reading for counselors and clients. - Jon Carlson, PsyD, EdD, ABPP, Distinguished Professor, Adler University You cannot separate William Glasser from his work. He was a brilliant, respectful and compassionate psychotherapist and author. I was introduced to his first book; “Reality Therapy: A New Approach to Psychiatry” in the early 1970’s. Throughout the years that very book and his subsequent ones, are a part of my library, a library that is dedicated to those books that make a difference in my life. Thanks to his wife and dear friend, this latest book will continue to inspire and educate and keep Dr. Glasser with us. He continues to take the mystery out of the complex and offers readers the possibility of change through Choice. - Claudia Black, Ph.D., Addiction Specialist, International Lecturer and Authorincluding It Will Never Happen to Me Dr. Glasser’s letters truly comprise decades of wisdom. His empathy, compassion, brilliant intelligence and true dedication to helping others are beautifully expressed through these letters. This book is a must read, not only for every psychotherapist, but also for every parent, teacher, spouse, and everyone who wants to improve their relationships. It was an honor to have known Doctor Glasser and I will always remember his words of wisdom. - Cloe Madanes, author of Relationship Breakthrough Decades of Wisdom captures an important aspect of Dr. William Glasser’s illustrious career. This book takes us behind the scenes into his personal reflections and responses to questions raised by therapists, patients and every day people. This book will extend and clarify the thinking of this master therapist and offers wisdom to all of us who are looking for a better way to be in this insane world.- Allen Berger, Ph.D., Clinical Director - The Institute for Optimal Recovery and Emotional Sobriety and Hazelden Author The beauty of this book of correspondence is that it reveals, in intimate ways, the character and mind of William Glasser, and you are reminded, above all, what a joy it was to know him.- Bob WhitakerAuthor of Mad in America and Anatomy of an Epidemic William Glasser invented Reality Therapy, an uncommonly pragmatic approach to personal and relational well being. His seminal contributions to psychotherapy and education are enduring. I was privileged to know him, and I continue to use his methods to improve both my clinical practice and my life. In Glasser’s correspondence we learn how he lived his theories. Study these letters carefully. Choose to incorporate his important message. Herein you will find a recipe for attitude adjustment that will prompt new possibilities for effective living.- Jeffrey K. Zeig, Ph.D. The Milton Erickson Foundation The beauty of this book of correspondence is that it reveals, in intimate ways, the character and mind of

William Glasser, and you are reminded, above all, what a joy it was to know him. - Bob WhitakerAuthor of Mad in America and Anatomy of an Epidemic

[email protected]