The Water in Between : A Journey at Sea 0385498837

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The Wate In B e t

E/EiN

A Journey at Sea

Kevin Patterson

U.S. $23.95

"I

devoured Kevin Patterson's The Water

Between.

He

writes with such

clearheadedness,

open

for the

it

seas. It's

A

wisdom and

made even me yearn an extraordinary piece

—Alex

of writing."

stint in the

In

army and

a

Kotlowitz

broken heart

lead Kevin Patterson to the

dock of a

on Vancouver

sailboat brokerage

Island,

where he stands contemplating the romance of the sea and his heartfelt desire to get away.

By the end

of the day, he finds himself the neophyte owner of a

sailboat called the Sea Mouse.

sail

to Tahiti and back, and

hard miles

First

he recruits

set

Slapstick.

also has a plan: to

burn away

his failings in

at sea.

brokenhearted guy

They

He

out

a traveling

who

like the

companion, another

at least

Two

knows how

Stooges

—

to

sail.

Seasick and

Days without wind are days to kick back

on the deck with

a

beer and

a

man-versus-nature

adventure book that valorizes their journey into an

essential quest for

manhood. But eventually the

voyage begins to take on

a

sharper edge.

On

relentless beat across the South Pacific, they

across one solitary male sailor after another

(continued on back J I a p )

a

run

on the

c

Z7tf

A

Water Jn "Between

Journey

at

Sea

Nan

A. Talese

'Doubleday

New York London Toronto Sydney Auckland

Kevin Patterson

The Water Jn ^Between

A

Journey

at

Sea

PUBLISHED BY NAN A. TALESE an imprint of Doubleday of Random House, Inc.

a division

1540 Broadway,

DOUBLEDAY is

New York, New York

10036

a trademark of Doubleday, a division of

Random House,

Inc.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Patterson, Kevin.

The water

in between: a

journey p.

1.

Patterson, Kevin

—

Journeys

910\9164—dc21

—

Pacific

at sea /

Kevin Patterson.

cm. Ocean.

2.

Sea

Mouse

(Sailboat)

G530.P398 P398 2000

©

1999 by Kevin Patterson, M.D. All Rights Reserved

Printed in the United States of America

5

First

7

July

2000

9

10

8

6

Title.

00-023197

ISBN 0-385-49883-7 Copyright

I.

4

Edition in the United States of America

This book

is for

Shauna and Molly

People

who

live

on continents get into the habit of regard-

ing the ocean as journey s end, the full stop at the end of the trek.

When North Americans

was nothing

to

do except build the end-ofthe-world state

of California. For people who small islands, the sea to the

reached the Pacific, there

is

live

on

islands, especially

always the beginning Its the ferry

mainland, the escape route from the boredom

narrowness ofhome. Its what you have

do

it

by plane, whenever you

a break for on, in

it.

on

Islanders also

want

to cross,

to strike

know how

even ifyou

out and make

the sea goes on

a continuous loop of shoreline and

and

life,

terminus. Knocking about from port to port,

and

without a

you keep on

going past the port you originally started out from.

Jonathan raban,

Coasting

One

Qhapter

August of 1994,1

Incement an

bought a twenty-year-old

ketch on the coast of British Columbia.

myself

effort to distract

—

at the

time

I

I

ferro-

did this in

was so absorbed in

nas

my eyes were crossed. I had been wandering around marisorrowfully leaning my head against dock pilings and losing

my

train

self-pity

of thought;

I

had the demeanor of an aging milk cow

who met me thought I was either drunk The most immediate cause of all this was a woman continent away who had been headed further for months.

with the scours. People or deranged.

half a

My sadness

at

our parting was histrionically out of proportion to

anything that could have been justified by events. I

time

army

spent weeks chain-smoking and staring at the ground. At the I

was working

as a

doctor at a

cadets in the B.C. Interior.

It

summer camp

for

Canadian

was an absurd job and

I

made

THE WATER

2

BETWEEN

IN

an absurd picture, shuffling around the dusty parade grounds,

hands in pockets, sighing grandly and ignoring the columns of pubescent boys and

marching

girls

past -me.

stiffly

was twenty-

I

nine and had been out of the army myself for only a year.

That summer, many Canadian medical to

Rwanda and

for the

come

Bosnia.

camp, but

now they were

When

to be there.

working up

The army had

in the Arctic,

officers

always provided a doctor

which

short-staffed,

me

they called to ask

on the

were being sent

coast of

Hudson

to

is

how I had

Bay.

was

It

At the time

mer

—

way

I

was

drifting

and had been

when

since the previous

had been

I I

met

in

fly

north,

agreed to

I

was entranced by

we made call

the shore of

came very

Hudson

from the

often.

Bay.

and needed

unit in Winnipeg.

When

imprecise plans about

and write

sick

her.

I

My

started

it

earlier in

little

came time

melan-

for

me

to

how we would meet. We

work

second day

at a small hospital

there,

an old

man

on be-

to be transferred to the intensive care

volunteered to accompany him.

I

my

There was a week of

her.

the winter and she was gentle, very beautiful and a

and

sum-

Winnipeg, on

slow suppers and long, delicious conversation. This was

cholic,

sea

said yes without even thinking.

I

ever since leaving the army.

to the job in the Arctic,

late

The

June, and so cold that even the river ice hadn't broken yet.

pack was solid to the horizon.

was

in, I

fill

airport. After leaving the hospital

I

I

called her

took a cab straight to

her house.

During the time

I

was up

in the Arctic,

we telephoned one

another almost daily but avoided the question of whether

move to the city or she should move up there. awkward

is

a banal

and

should

of the delight

potent, rather than, with increasing time It

I

was an obvious but

we took in seeing one another was of our contact. As if that made our visits more

issue. Part

the intermittency

It

and

familiar circumstance.

nurses in the Arctic,

it is

a cliche.

distance, less

Among

and

less.

soldiers, or the

KEVIN PATTERSON

Then

the

would be

army phoned, with

just as far

About a month to visit

this job in British

from Winnipeg, working

after

I

there.

summer camp

arrived at the

Columbia.

I

Off I went.

she

came out

We stayed together in a resort near the army base with

me.

the

memorable name of Teddy Bear Lodge. There were small cab-

ins

with televisions and a swing

rose

up

all

around, and across the highway from our cabin was a

We

long, deep lake.

was

much

The mountains

set for children.

tried to

swim

there but

it

wasn't possible.

It

too cold.

we had only had the hurried, lip-biting, kiss-filled Winnipeg when I had come down on the air ambulance.

Before this visits in

The Teddy Bear Lodge got our hopes up, but in the sustained company of the other, we each forgot two-thirds of the words we knew. After two weeks she went home. Saying goodbye

at the

bus

we didn't confront the issue. A month later, she telephoned me at work to tell me about the man she had met. She told me his name and apologized. She subsequently married him and they now have a baby daughter. Our terminal,

mutual friends

tell

me that she is happier than they've ever seen her.

Her

graciousness

my

anguish more potent and

laughable.

My

To

and kindness

feel

as

was tearing

affairs I'd ever

lived in,

my

feeling of

it.

summer camp became alarmed and

he watched

me involute into a black and anguished

my

clothes over

had;

which

I

it

made no

had

It felt

sailing

ridiculous even at the time.

one of the most abbreviated love sense. If I

went back

lived in before the army,

would drown. In the army, desperate dreamed about

victimhood more

at the

puddle of self-obsessed sorrow. I

our limited intimacy only made

unentitled to your self-pity about triples

roommate

embarrassed

in

on the ocean.

I

I

to the city she

thought that

for distraction,

I

had day-

was from Manitoba;

I

nothing about sailing and had never been on the ocean in a boat of any

sort.

I

knew little

THE WATER

4

in Genoa Bay, on the company of a sixty-year-

found myself standing on a dock

I

southern tip of Vancouver Island, in the

man

old

BETWEEN

IN

with a whiskey nose the

overripe beet. His

name was

brokerage, but his

and color of a bruised and

size

Peter Ericson

and he owned a

consuming passion seemed

to be the

sailboat

promul-

gation of his theory that the Pacific Islands and most of the

World had been colonized by an ancient Scandinavian

New

seafaring

And maybe herring. me see his boats he had showed

culture that revered magnetic fields.

Before Ericson would even

me his publications

in the local

let

Boat Journal. These were supposed

to be advertisements for his business, but in fact they

rants

were long

on the forgotten nobility of the Great White Gods, the

who journeyed forth in the ancient mists to show the less savvy races just how it was done. But the ghosts of the Norse sailorfolk could rest easy now, for Ericson had figured it out. And was

Vikings,

bound

to

Even

me with

inform the world. Or, after

I

at

any

rate,

me.

had steered him out onto the dock, he harangued

evidence of blue-eyed Indians and

gods in the Polynesian mythos.

I

tales

of white-skinned

wondered how he managed

to

make a living selling boats. I tried to get him to tell me about the boat we were standing in front of but he seemed obsessed with this idea of forgotten exploration.

He

between the Vikings and other instance, the alignment of the

corresponded precisely with

told

me

civilizations

Mayan

lines

that proof of contact

was everywhere. For

temples in Meso-America

of constant magnetic variation

(whatever that was) and only a seafaring culture could understand

magnetism so thoroughly. The sent

be

you-know-who,

any doubt how

great heads of Easter Island repre-

staring out to sea, of course.

the Polynesians

came

And

could there

to possess the sweet

potato of South American origin? Could there be? In an attempt to forestall his quoting Chariots of the Gods to

me,

I

quickly glanced around.

beautiful.

"How

The

does

The

it

sign

on

float?"

I

it

The boat

said the hull

nearest us looked very

was made of ferro-cement.

asked.

inanity of the question stalled him. His face twitched

and

KEVIN PATTERSON

5

twisted and he forced

more benign and

into a

it

patient gaze.

"Steel doesn't float but steel boats do, right?"

"Oh, yeah,"

I

turned out that Ericson had been instru-

said. It

mental in popularizing the technique of ferro-cement boat con-

and he launched into another

struction twenty years previously,

He

great enthusiasm. rot

and

the

man had any I

told

was

that

me what amount

just the

you

in

heavy weather.

of price range

sort

him how much money this

I

had

basically.

I

was thinking

he would

let

bilges or whatever.

called

me

putter about

of kick-

someone smarter than

He winked at me and said

by myself,

to have a look at the

He'd be back in an hour or

memory of grade-school wooden

The

was looking

number of belts and

at.

lifted

I

hoses and things,

and looked out the forward hatches

I

seemed

up the hatch I

had no idea

to be a proper

closed the hatch.

at the

mast and

at the

wood shone

polished

floors.

Satisfied that there

below

so. I sat

over the engine and peered into the mass of machinery. I

lot

in

the Sea Mouse. She looked lovely to me.

teak salon table and looked around her.

what

grew up

for. I

Mostly we played a

Ericson unlocked the companionway.

like a

if

didn't like.

The boat was named that

wondered

I

to

to spend. Remarkably,

boat was going

was a name you

the-can. "Shrewd" that

immune

that such boats were

ambivalent opinions about anything.

Manitoba. Farm country,

you

me

and sea-kindly

rust, stable

Ericson asked about.

assured

I

pulpit.

stood up I

thought

about Ericson's idea of the Vikings, threading their way around the

world in the

first

millennium.

Me,

over the deck.

I

could almost hear the waves surging

clinging to the wheel

and smiling

wryly,

my

bronzed and newly muscular shoulders glinting in the sun. Lovely polished wood. Just lovely. I

stove

poked through the and oven, and

worth of

rice

I

patted

it. I

wished

lockers in the galley.

a refrigerator.

I

had a cheroot.

There was a propane

There was room

for half a year's

and pasta and tomato sauce and dried mushrooms

and apples and

garlic

and balsamic vinegar and

canned bacon and dried

fish

bottles

of wine and

and sacks of onions and cabbages and

potatoes and jars of marmalade.

I

imagined

how

that

would

feel,

THE WATER

6

and

to have a boat,

the food

all

Able to go anywhere

her.

I

would need

IN

for six

BETWEEN

months on

wanted. Enough stores to go halfway

I

around the world.

Two

hours

me

found

later Peter

there, grinning stupidly.

The

Sea Mouse was thirty-seven feet long, rigged as a ketch and displaced twelve tons.

Her lines seemed

She carried tanks for

sixty gallons

to

me as graceful as

She had two masts and booms of spruce, the were of

and

I

There was a six-mile radar and a head. Later on,

sat

lamps glowed

made

working out the as

orange

as

details

of safety, within

her.

be only more striking

of the purchase, the kerosene

warm mountain

As the sun

set there

He

in

me.

him

I

cabin. She

at sea, in

had

was a sense of Tightit

would

wanted

to sail

That sense of safety seemed

like

heavy weather.

Suffused with optimism and rum, to Tahiti.

as

whiskey against the varnished teak and

the boat feel like a small and

a diesel furnace for heat. ness,

and shrouds

stays

wire and she had a forty-five-horsepower

stainless-steel

diesel engine.

Peter

a dancers.

of fresh water and forty of diesel.

I

told Peter

I

my arm and said I must have Viking blood my mothers parents were Danish. That set

squeezed

allowed that

off for another hour, explaining again

blind to the obviousness of his theory.

I

had

how just

historians were

bought a boat.

It

wasn't hard to indulge him. Peter s face softened as he recounted his fantasy. gets into the tropical trade winds,

make

And

the

wind

Compare

is

so constant

that to the

and storms

like

and steep

selves

a sailor

he told me, even the slowest boats

a hundred miles a day, three weeks to go two thousand miles.

with a bedsheet for a

sleet

Once

sail

—look

North

Thor

on

a raft

Heyerdahl's Kon-Tiki.

Atlantic, scoured

frigid seas, driven

instead of green

at

travel

by contrary winds

tantrums. Imagine a Viking crew, accustomed to

surrounded by water

Pallid skin

and warm, you could

and

imagine what they

warm

as urine, pale

blue and languid

frothed. Imagine that.

darkening

are shrugged off and

as

south by a gale and finding them-

as the filthy tunics

and

soiled sheepskins

accumulate in the stern of the boat

felt

—can you

then, as they pulled ashore in Huahine, in

KEVIN PATTERSON

7

the South Pacific, and found

pouring

down

mangos and coconuts, and

green mountains?

found myself hoping that

I

it

had happened

he believed.

as

ignored the part about the Vikings teaching everyone

(How

sail.

exactly

would the Polynesians have

couldn't navigate?) Peter

had grown up

huddling in a drafty farmhouse

else

how

I

to

gotten there, if they himself,

on

pictured

him

some January

bliz-

Manitoba

in

farm near the northern margin of arable land, and in the 1940s,

waterfalls

as

I

a

zard roared through. Longing to escape.

him how long

asked

I

said five or six weeks.

assured

me it was

told

would

him

Sea, the

day

there alone at night.

When you

sea anchor or what?

He

very drunk.

on

all

the

up drinking on

He

me

told

the cultures of the

bought

just I

asked

went

again

after

I

in Sydney, asking

him what one did out

to sleep, did

took a moment,

and then asked when

stayed

sailing.

He He

after the Australian Excise Police

him and the boat he had about some matter of back taxes.

We

to get to Tahiti.

knew nothing about

I

visited

response,

me

take

my blood. He had taught himself to sail,

in

on the Tasman

all,

I

it

as if

you put out

a

contemplating his

could get the check to him.

my new how

the

New World;

Mayans were oriented along

we were both Norse had left their mark boat until

did

lines

I

realize the

temples of

of magnetic variation?

looked up from a chart of the South Pacific and

finally

I

asked what

He said I would want to learn that. I agreed. He asked me again how much sailing I had done. I said none. He slapped me on the shoulder and congratulated me on my pluck. I asked him if he would show me what I needed to know. "Oh sure," he answered. magnetic variation was.

It

was the

from

My spilt

first

real or

night

I

had ever

slept

perceived boat motion,

I

on

a boat.

had

fallen

At some point,

out of my berth.

back hurt. There were overflowing ashtrays and puddles of

rum and

coke.

Someone knocked on

the hull. Peter Ericson

THE WATER

8

was standing there

morning

in the

sun, looking puffy. "I've been

thinking about this singlehanding business," he thinking about "There's

it,

said.

had been

I

too.

someone

know who

I

The notion of sailing retreated before

BETWEEN

IN

me. So

I

think you should meet."

wasn't quite as brave as

I

and heartbroken

off into the sea alone

my swollen

tured the navy helicopters pulling

imagined.

I

I

pic-

and bloated corpse

from the water, the solemn commentary on the evening news.

"Who?" I

number he gave me. The next evening

called the

Lang on

new

asked.

I

He and

He was

Peter

and

He

timidity.

Don

was

pounded

to shake

all

how gentle

deferential to the point of

Don

Mayan was

he was with Ericson.

He

We walked down to leave in the next

I

asked

him

month and

all

that

I

didn't

had explained I

told

I

money

told

for her, though,

and

I

like you've got a

him

bad boat

me I

I

to

was going

anything about

her.

We

stepped

He

checked

his knuckles.

had paid too much

here, either,"

go to Tahiti?"

been interested in the place."

He

way down and he

had suspected

said.

how come you want

"I've always

told

I

worked the halyard

the rigging fittings,

He

"So

I

he wanted to

that to him.

showed him around

thought she was a fine boat.

I

if

him

know

said he had already had a look at her on his

"Thanks,"

there

polite but unpersuaded.

winches and sounded the wooden cabin top with

not

I

said yes.

said that Peter

out the mast and

how

temples and

the dock in the dark.

aboard the Sea Mouse and

it's

had imag-

about the pyramidal prayer platforms of French

see the Sea Mouse.

"But

I

our backs and poured some rum, then

was only one explanation.

He

walked below.

my hand softly. We smiled at each

Polynesia and their similarity to

sailing.

my

looked liked Andre Agassi, but shorter and sadder.

started talking

liked

I

wife Pat were drinking rum.

Peter's

and he stood

other. Peter

when

sitting at the galley table

ined Captain High Liner.

said hello

met Don

boat Stormstrutter, which was moored near

Peter's

boat.

I

he

as

much.

said.

KEVIN PATTERSON

9

"What do you know about it?" "It's a long way away," I said. "You?" "It's

supposed to be pretty expensive."

"Want

to go?"

"Yeah."

Don

was a sheet-metal worker; he

installed

ductwork

for fur-

naces for a living.

cook, a welder and

a commercial

He had also been a baker, a diver. He was thirty- two, three

years older than

and

maybe

five-nine,

a

hundred and

was long and permed and thinning;

He

about him.

eighty-five pounds. His hair his friendliness

He had

and unrestrained and unaffected.

an

was forward

of puzzlement

air

looked carefully wherever he stepped,

dock, or the boat or anything at

all

I,

as if the

might break through suddenly

and send him tumbling.

We went way,

I

below and

I

followed

there was

some

sailing

He

asked

left. I

me

if I

poured.

he had done.

It

months

had sold

ago, but

common-law wife.

it,

We

want

both drank.

his

it

said

I

asked

him I

if

he

thought

him how

own

boat until a few

Who had walked out shortly thereafter, leaving

them?" he had asked her

from wherever

I

asked

partly under the pressure of his

She took her kid, and was gone

to keep

I

turned out that he had sailed to

the cards and letters he had ever sent her

a ribbon.

the companion-

had some rum.

Hawaii and back twice, had owned

all

him down

watched him stand up and look around.

wanted a drink.

much

as

on

their bed, tied

just like that.

later,

when

was she had gone. No, she

with

"Don't you

she had

said, that's

phoned

why

I left

them. Long pause.

"But the boat,"

wind vane needs

Don

said to

to be installed

me, "does need some work. The

and the mizzen-mast spreaders

need to be replaced." "Jeez," "It's

I

said.

not that

much

work. With two of us going

at

it,

a

week

or two maybe." "So,

how

long will

ing a piece of the

it

take us to get to Tahiti?"

woodwork.

I

asked, finger-

THE WATER

10

was

late

BETWEEN

minimum."

"Forty-five days, It

IN

August already and the

were only a month away.

had

I

a

first

week and

of the winter storms a half of

work

left in

my contract with the army. Don had a house to move out of, a job to quit and fifty chickens to sell. We figured we could be gone before the equinoctial gales. We spent two days making a budget for the provisioning

in Vancouver.

of the boat and

of things

Ericson kept saying,

it

were

easier to

when he visited,

that

it

be exuberant. Peter

would

sink in once

all

at sea.

Don said to me once, after Peter had left,

We agreed to meet again in three weeks, figured he

needed to buy

I

We were both silent for long stretches as we worked

and maybe we both wished

we were out

lists

would need

"It

has sunk in already."

back

at the dock.

until then to extricate himself

from

Don

his

life,

or what remained of it.

seems kind of crazy,"

"It

weeks

we'll

"It

be out at

I

said, "to

sea, leaving

seems kind of great."

think that in three or four

everything here behind."

Don lifted his bag and walked to his car.

Squids Out of Ink At the army base there was a preferred to pretend that

was the only one.

form a I

letter

waiting for me.

I

would have

my most recent disappointing love affair

It felt like

the only one. But these things always

history.

had only

point of

all

a brief bit of

this

at the envelope.

work

left

with the army. Part of the

was the shedding of ties. I

I

winced when

I

looked

hadn't heard from Catherine in two years.

July 22, 1994 .

.

.

Where are you? I ask because I must

States for the next six months.

Frank and I must

live here to

You

seey

live in or

around the

I am finally divorcing

have an American divorce.

KEVIN PATTERSON

me

Let

Frank

is

11

I am undergoing a divorce on two

clarify.

divorcing

America and I am

me

in Francey

and I am

so divorced from

can only think of living near

divorcing Frank in

America by

relatives

continents.

this point that

and friends

.

.

.

Catherine and her husband had been separated for years,

both of them living in

Paris.

She looked

after their

and

stories as finely crafted

startlingly expensive

I

many

apartments in

son during the day and wrote short as

robust as Faberge eggs. Frank, her

husband, was a lawyer and had seemed deaf to her insistence that their love affair

was

remember her

I

ings, in order to I

ached a

bit

When I knew her,

over.

and agonized over her

he

still

pined for

her,

dalliances.

telling

me how

he had begun going to read-

persuade her that he wasn't a work-obsessed bore.

whenever

I

pictured him, standing in

some smoky

bookstore, blinking and trying to understand the musings of some

mumbling drunken novelist in order to persuade his wife to love him again. Whenever they met, he had a book sticking conspicuously out of his pocket.

I am miserable.

Can you

see

.

.

.

me? I am free

in

—

August

She had a disposition to believe in bly,

she

tion.

fell

The

me two

and

still

ferocity of her unreasonable

years earlier

and had driven

I

had reread them

intensity with

at

more

charita-

believed in mutual salva-

optimism had frightened

me

however, and in the time since

letters,

other,

in love completely

saviors. Or,

away.

had kept

I

we had

last

random and had not

which she went through her

all

her

seen one anforgotten the

days, the clarity with

which she saw what she wanted. / had ately.

to leave Paris in

I

lefi

a matter of days

everything behind.

Now my

to

countersue immedi-

book

is

on hold. I am

THE WATER

12

afraid for Frank to

know where I am. There

is

so

BETWEEN

IN

much I want to

I would have none of these problems ifI was willing Sam live with Frank but I know that is not best for Sam.

tell you.

let

to

.

I feel

like

a squid out of ink

here.

So I am calling you

.

.

.

.

.

The distress in her letter moved me, and her life, even with these new difficulties, had a panache about it that would impress a Manitoban. Let her come over, I thought, maybe she can show me how to face these things with style. Or at least distract me from

my incessant,

We

met

whining

at the

self-pity.

Vancouver

thinner than she had the to her

and seemed

taller

airport.

time

last

I

and thinner

She seemed both

had seen too. It

what she wanted but

to do.

we had missed

rooms

the

I

was a Friday

television.

him.

He was

eight,

Sam

Catherine and I

end

asked her

the Island. That night

downtown Vancouver,

mine. Through the thin walls

I

at the

my new boat, we took

right above a bar

band played covers of Def Leppard.

live

watching

us.

would show her

I

last ferry to

in a noisy hotel in

where a

thought

and

Her son clung

her.

of August and a long weekend stretched before

taller

sat

I

stayed in the

up

room

late,

beside

could hear her trying to reassure

and frightened.

I

went downstairs

to the bar.

When I came back up their room was quiet. The next morning we ate breakfast in silence and then climbed into my pick-up truck and drove onto the

ferry.

During the two-hour her divorce. sort

Our

of outing

trip,

Sam

clung to

conversation suggested that

as all the

other

young

families

her.

We

didn't discuss

we were on

the same

on the

We gave

ferry.

the view of the Gulf Islands our approval, and agreed that the food in the dining

room was

overpriced and

salty.

Catherine and

awkward with one another and Sam would not look

at

I

young family and was attempting a

reconciliation; they

were

me. Careful

had recently returned

observers might have guessed that

I

to

my

might have

wondered how bad the departure had been. What had the blinking and uncomfortable-looking man done even acknowledge him?

that the

little

boy would not

KEVIN PATTERSON

When we and

13

reached the boat

I

unlocked the companionway hatch

them below. Catherine

let

suitcases

carried in her

and piled them on the chart

table.

makeup

bags and

She turned around in

cramped interior. Sam asked her where he could sit. moment she said she thought the boat was beautiful. It was

the small,

After a

and untidy; the Sea Mouses beauty was

cluttered

me, but mostly I

asked her

"No," she

visit.

wanted

I

she was in trouble.

lied.

Peter Ericson to

saw the

activity

and now there was

to sail solo to Tahiti

He

on the Sea Mouse and came over

introduced Catherine and her son.

ing up here. Peter sat hair.

to

memory.

in if

enough

clear

down with

us

I

had

told

him

I

family show-

this

and noted Catherine's blond

told her she looked Scandinavian.

"Czech, actually," she

said.

Which stopped him

for

about a

heartbeat.

"Ever wonder

how

the Pacific was explored?" he asked.

"By Captain Cook?" she guessed.

"Oh I

no," he said.

asked

him

if he

would help me take the boat out

said yes, barely pausing in his narrative

for a

sail.

He

on how the only abundant

source of magnetite, of lodestone, in the ancient world was in

Scandinavia and that this ability to navigate. said.

for

To

is

what gave them

Navigation

is

—

their advantage

the real religion of seafarers, he

anthropologists, Odin's one blind eye was the price he paid

wisdom, he

another thing

said,

but to anyone who's ever been

entirely. Fifty miles offshore in the

at sea in fog

Lodestones point north.

No

to

Then we put life jackets on Catherine and sails

and how

eyes.

miracle the apostles ever performed

meant half as much. Catherine asked him Sea Mouse out. Peter showed

it's

low winter clouds

of the North Atlantic and you've plucked out both your

the

the

go on.

He

did.

her son and took the

me how to raise and douse and trim He asked me if I thought it

to coil halyards.

THE WATER

14

would be reasonable and Sam watched orange

life

to try to learn

carefully

alone at

her.

BETWEEN

sea.

Catherine

from the cockpit, bundled

preservers. Peter asked Catherine if she

wrote poetry, he told I

all this

IN

Catherine asked

if

was a

in their

writer.

He

she could hear some.

remember the boat heeling over dramatically

as the

wind

fresh-

ened, Peter bellowing out his Kiplingesque rhymes and Catherine

and her son

bow of the

staring at Peter while

boat as

That night we

it

looked straight ahead

at the

leapt in the waves.

ate

with Peter and Pat in a restaurant overlook-

ing the marina. Pat seemed see

I

both our boats bobbing

ill

at ease.

at the

From where we

sat

I

could

dock. Catherine was enjoying

herself,

comparing notes on child-rearing with Pat and asking Peter

how he

accounted for the lack of clear archaeological evidence to

back up

his theory. Peter

ever, there

was up

to the challenge. For

had been too much change, too many

very short while.

He

Sam, how-

strangers in a

clung to his mother and whined

at her.

time she turned to ask Peter a question, he pulled on her

When

the food arrived he declared he wasn't hungry.

escalated the tone

how

the

and

insistence of his complaints

coming months were going

to

and

He I

Every sleeve.

steadily

wondered

go for them. Peter was

describing the encounters between the Phoenicians and the ancient

when Sam pulled his mother away again. Peter scolded him, told him to sit up straight, take his elbows off the table and stop interrupting. Sam howled. We retreated to the boat, and I left Catherine and Sam alone for a long time while I looked at the stars. When I finally went below, Sam was asleep. Catherine was sitting up reading. I asked her how she was. "I've been thinking about how there are no coincidences," she

Vikings

said.

"What do you mean?" "I

you're

need to

lie

low

headed out to

for a while, you've just

sea.

It's all

coming

"What do you mean?" "Well, we could go to sea with

bought a boat and

together, don't

you."

"Don't you think that would be dangerous?"

you think?"

KEVIN PATTERSON

15

"Don't you?" "Well,

I

think

I'll

be okay, but

it's

a small boat,

"There's six berths. I've read of families

who

you know."

have gone to sea

in boats half this size."

"I'm going to Tahiti. Polynesie Frangaise. You'd be subject to

French law there."

any other place

"Isn't there

in the Pacific that you'd like to

go

to? Easter Island, Samoa, Tonga, Pitcairn, Fiji?"

wanted

"I've always

to

go to Tahiti."

"I

could use your help here."

"I

know."

She looked to bed.

"Good

at

me

for a while

night,"

I

and then she

said she

was going

said.

-'^^ After the to

a

work

weekend we drove

for the next couple

mountain

lake. It

army base where

inland, to the

of weeks.

We

rented a

little

I

was

cabin by

was even nicer than the Teddy Bear Lodge.

Every day Catherine phoned her lawyer in Paris and her family in the States.

I

began receiving telephone

her lawyer while

them

soon

as

I

was

at

as possible.

calls

work, asking

Back

me

from her mother and to please have her call

in the cabin Catherine told

she had already spent a hundred thousand dollars the previous three months. that could have

looking,

and

bought

I

on lawyers

in

asked her if she knew how nice a boat

her. Steadily she

became more

it

me that

difficult to

became more haunted be around her and not

agree to help her. I

We

bought baseball gloves

set

up

in an isosceles triangle, with

the base and

me

Finally the

at the point,

of us and we played catch.

Sam and

sea with

Catherine along

drawing further and further away.

two weeks were over and

would be going to I

for the three

I

told Catherine that

Don. She bought two plane

tickets

I

and

drove her and the boy to the airport. Just before they boarded

Catherine began crying and

Sam began

hitting

me on

the arm.

THE WATER

16

Their

flight

through I

was

called.

I

watched her take her son s hand and walk

She waved goodbye.

security.

took the ferry back to the Island, feeling ashamed.

on the

boat.

I

BETWEEN

IN

him how

asked

things

I

met Don

had gone, quitting

his job,

the house, rine.

"How'd

that business with the chickens go?"

"These things are never

simple as you imagine them to be,

as

starting out."

"No doubt about

it," I said.

Self-steering

An

almost essential requirement for long-distance single-

handing

the ability to

is

make a boat

steer herself. It

is

obvious that the lone sailor must be able to leave the helm to

perform necessary chores and

demands, most

satisfy essential

especially to sleep.

richard Henderson, Genoa on

Bay,

where

three sides

tranquil

It is

and

read for

sat

many

ing being at sea.

I

that reach right

excessively beautiful. I

Singlehanded Sailing

had bought the Sea Mouse,

and cedars

of errands to run. I

I

body

on

my boat

hours

down

started with

and

down

is

tall hills

to the water's edge.

Don had felt

lined by

a few

more days

languorously content.

below, drinking tea and imagin-

books about shorthanded and solo

voyages: Richard Hendersons Singlehanded Sailing, Joshua Slocum's

Sailing Alone

Around

Admiralty s Nautical

Way by Bernard

Way by I

I'd

the World, then

Tables, the

Moitessier,

Chapman

Piloting, British

1994 Nautical Almanac, The Long

The Oxford Book ofthe Sea, The Clipper

Francis Chichester.

flipped through another pile of books

always meant

television: Ulysses,

I

had bought, ones

owned a Gravity s Rainbow, The Marriage of Cadmus and

to read but couldn't tackle as long as

I

KEVIN PATTERSON

17

Harmony, The Odyssey and three

My

of Russians.

feet

previous

with them could only have been a matter of

inability to persevere

my my book-

distraction. Just cancel

Bay watch and Hard Copy and watch

hidden genius emerge.

liked the look of these books

So thick and

shelf.

I

substantial.

one by one and began reading it

down and picked up It

uals

and memoirs

enterprise.

I

steadily I

stroked them, picked

I

Ulysses.

them up

After fifteen minutes

I

put

a magazine.

rained those days and

a kind of ease that

on

I

remained below, reading

and finding myself already

sailing

man-

settling into

thought probably represented the object of the

threaded the Strait of Magellan with Slocum and con-

tinued north to the Juan Fernandez Islands and the memorial to

Alexander Selkirk;

we then

landed in Samoa.

wondered

I

sailed if I

west to the Marquesas and finally

even needed to leave the dock, and

began to sympathize with the armchair

and

women

sailors

of the world,

men

and kitchens flipping through pages and

in libraries

pausing to sigh and scratch their

bellies. I

stretched

and scratched

mine, looking through the rain-streaked portholes of the Sea Mouse at the

I

other boats bobbing beside mine.

started with food: of the stores

only matter

I

had any experience

I

pounds of rice,

Fifty

pounds of flour,

Fifteen

in

in. I

got a quiet

one-pound bags

in

ten-pound bags

pounds of coffee

Ten pounds of tea bags Forty quart Fifty

jars

of spaghetti sauce

pounds of spaghetti

Forty cans of pears

Twenty cans of peaches Twenty pounds of sugar

began making

needed to lay

ning the provisioning of the boat.

Fifty

I

in, this thrill

lists.

was the

from plan-

THE WATER

18

The problem was one go bad.

nia: things

—

eration age

vegetables able to ter

fish

rediscovered the anachronisms of the refrig-

I

—whole

me by my boat.

smoked, canned and dried

I

classes

of foods and

salt

pork and smoked

the forepeak, alongside the

taloupes too.

tastes

fruits,

made

avail-

canvassed grocery stores for canned but-

and bacon. Cases of dried milk,

egg noodles,

BETWEEN

that has concerned mariners for millen-

pickled, salted,

and

IN

sails,

lentils, rice, pasta, fruit leather,

hung bags of onions

fish. I

with boxes of potatoes and can-

stacked the dried provisions in the galley and

I

surge of satisfaction

move through me

of a year s worth of food on

her.

in

—

I

That, and

had a I

boat,

and a

had been eating

felt

a

third

lentils

for a week.

Don

returned at

Mouse up the

last

and we untied the boat and took the Sea

inside coast of

hometown. He knew people

more

there,

on the equipment we

prices

Vancouver Island

still

to

and knew where

had

to buy.

En

Nanaimo,

his

to get the best

route,

we made

lists.

The books

all

emphasized the importance of a

self-steering

apparatus for the shorthanded or singlehanded vessel. There have

been

many

approaches taken to the problem of keeping the vessel

on course while her crew famous yawl Spray was so he once spent

less

stable

and

than three hours

a 2,700-mile passage

Cocos

sleeps or tends to the boat. Slocum's

at the

he claimed, that

helm over the course of

from Thursday Island off Australia

Islands in the Indian

Ocean.

trimmed her

so she

place, then

sea-kindly,

sails

He

just lashed her

and starboard or

this

would make:

just letting

go of

her and have her go where you want. In such circumstances,

could you not

There

are

feel that

many

you were

The most

coastal sailors, are electronic autohelms,

the autopilots in aircraft.

your course, and an

They

electrical

how

living right?

self-steering devices to

pages of sailing magazines.

in

was balanced out and would

go where he wanted. Think about the difference either fighting the boat to port

to the

helm

be studied in the back

popular, for

weekend and

which function much

use an electronic compass;

motor driven by

like

you

set

a microprocessor

— KEVIN PATTERSON

19

helm when she

adjusts the

strays.

They

don't keep the boat in bal-

ance but serve as electronic underlings to wrestle the boat for you.

They make an annoying whirring sound.

devices are not the best choices for open-water work.

sume

thing at

electricity, a fickle

sea,

They con-

draining the batteries quickly

and necessitating frequent running of the engine. There

wind generators

panels and

we

the engine, but

are solar

that can provide electricity in lieu of

down make the

begin

devices in order to

these

Satisfyingly,

a slippery slope in that direction

devices work. Pretty soon, you've

loaded on a Cuisinart.

The magic they

all

that

is

below.

seem

in mechanical

is

lively,

wind vane

levers

sailor puts the

wind. Should the boat

presses

this

is

canvas.

—

fly a sail

shafts to a

on

rudder

a constant angle relative to the

in the

wind

is

no

electricity involved,

wind

direction

to the rudder, allowing the boat to

And

—and

shift off the prescribed course, the

back on course. There

wood and

and animated

and pulleys and

from the change

on the linkage

These creatures

boat on course and then adjusts the

to maintain the boat

vane recognizes

vanes.

obstinate, capricious

hooked through

The

wind

only

and

wander

steel

and

the vane keeps the boat constant to what

immediate and present, the wind. Both the wind direction and

the compass heading matter, but the

Sailors

gear

all

seem

had epic

to have

wind matters above

struggles with their self-steering

and invariably anthropomorphize them into unreliable

friends.

The

first

man

Robin Knox-Johnston, called his

Miranda,

to

sail

around the world alone non-stop,

called his "the Admiral." Francis Chichester

God knows whom, but the history of his may be guessed. Donald Crowhurst's diary of

after

relationship with her

disintegrating reason has long pages of rant about his gear;

sonable to conclude that ness.

all.

it

rea-

played a developmental role in his mad-

Contained within the beauty of balances,

that they are

it is

sometimes impossible to achieve.

it

seems,

is

the fact

THE WATER

20

BETWEEN

IN

On the Vancouver waterfront there is a man who makes art out of rocks perched precariously on top of one another. Sometimes he disappears for

months on end.

hits terrible times at the

when

don't know, but

I

suspect that he

I

the rocks will not cooperate.

bar before lunch drinking with brokers

who

sense of the market, architects

I

who

have

have forgotten

concrete look light and pool hustlers

who

imagine him

how

lost their

to

make

have broken their

English. "Leave the bottle, barkeep, the rocks won't stack."

After a

dening

week of settled

circles

and the

ease, the

sailor looks at the

amount of adjusting of the this? It

would need

Wind

vanes

fall

sheets or

wind vane

helm helps

accusingly.

—what

No

betrayal

is

name.

into several categories. There are the servo-

pendulum models,

They vary

a

boat begins turning great mad-

auxiliary rudder types

in the design of the linkage

and trim tab

between

sail

versions.

and rudder

beneath and also in the sort of rudder used. They have vigorous, martial names: Aries, Monitor, Automate; the owners of any one

model ers.

express almost religious zeal in support of their

The

own

betray-

Sea Mouse came with a Riebrandt Vane Gear that was not

Don and I examined it as we sailed to Nanaimo. It was missing some parts and Don was concerned because he had heard mounted.

they were no longer being made.

Nanaimo we made some telephone calls and established indeed, the RVG wind vane was out of production but that

In that,

Richard Riebrandt, I

got his

its

designer,

number through

had

retired to the

directory assistance

San Juan

and

Islands.

called him.

"Yes, hello."

"May

I

speak to Mr. Riebrandt?"

"Yes, this

is

him."

He was German and straight

formal and

on the other end of the

line.

I

found myself standing up

KEVIN PATTERSON

have just bought a boat and

"Sir, I

missing a few parts and

vane.

It's

get

fixed?"

it

"Yes,

could

I

"Shall "Yes,

I

fix it for

bring

it

came with an RVG wind

wondered

I

if you

me

could help

you."

to you?"

it

you should do

"Where do you

The

21

that."

live, sir?"

me

directions he gave

were convoluted and imprecise.

I

was

to turn three or four roads after the lights, at whichever intersec-

tion

was that had the church

it

There was a general store where directions.

through a

we found

Eventually

forest that

just visible

we had

from the junction.

to stop to ask for further

ourselves

stopped abruptly

following a path

at a small shed.

barking ferociously out of the undergrowth.

A dog came

We locked our doors.

A man appeared. Riebrandt, a

fit

seventy-year-old wearing a tape measure

on

his

belt,

was pleased to have the company, though he had the manner

of a

rat-tail rasp.

and handed

it

We

unloaded the wind vane from Don's truck

to him.

He snorted derisively at the flaking paint on

He asked if it had ever been used. I explained that I know much about it. He rubbed his whiskered chin and

the trim tab. didn't

directed us inside his shed.

The

rain forest rose

the dense carpet of ferns absorbed

Don and I

looked

at

all

one another.

up

all

around, and

sound from the road.

We glanced around for banjo

players.

The shed was and

drill presses

on the

well

lit

and

and welding

fastidiously clean.

There were

electrodes; wire brushes

hung

in

vises

rows

wall.

"Now, boys," he

said, "tell

me

about

this trip

you

taking."

"We're going to Tahiti,"

I

said, leaning forward.

are under-

"

THE WATER

22

"And what

is

the type of vessel

you

IN

BETWEEN

are taking?"

a thirty-seven-foot ferro-cement ketch."

"It's

"What does

she displace?"

"Twelve tons."

"Ah

he said and rubbed

yes,"

"That

his chin again.

is

a heavy

thirty-seven-footer.

"Ferro-cement," said Don.

"You

We

are in grave danger,

you know."

blinked at him.

"This wind vane needs a great deal of attention; without

it

you

will die."

Me: "So you, uh, can

"Oh

fix it?"

yes."

"Well, that's good."

"You must look better

helmsman than

"Well, "I

you want

worry

"But

for

your wind vane, you know.

after

It

will

be a

either of you."

to take care of your equipment."

you two."

you'll fix the

wind vane?"

"You've done a lot of blue-water sailing yourself then?"

Don

asked.

"When I was I

became preoccupied by

ciate this.

My life

boat, a powerboat. a sailboat.

my

There was no time

on the ocean.

is

They

When you

"Maybe, maybe

business

my

to see

simpler now. don't

are older

not," said

—my wives did not I

demand you

children, let alone go out

am

building a large metal

quite so

bought the boat,"

"Why

are

you

autumn

"Why

I

much emotion

as

will understand."

I

can

tell

the bushings. Abused, yes, used, no." "I just

appre-

Don.

"This device has been scarcely used,

"It's

many years, now.

younger, yes, some. But not in

reminded him.

in such a hurry to leave?"

already."

not go in the spring?"

from the wear of

KEVIN PATTERSON

23

"I

think you have to grab at chances like this."

"I

was married to a nurse

my factory was. would

visit

get letters

I

me

for

many years,

in California,

where

used to watch the boats sailing on the bay. They

before they

would go

and postcards from

all

for their big trips.

over the world. All

I

I

used to

did was work.

My wife left because of that. I hope those sailors appreciated it." We were all wondering how the conversation had become so Don

loaded.

tried

some

how much

small talk about

nicer a place

the Pacific Northwest was than California. Riebrandt agreed. I

gave

him two hundred American

about him, living by himself in his

from a

Grimm

tale, isolated

were quiet for a long time

as

dollars

little

and we left.

forest

house

behind a wall of severity.

we

I

thought

like a figure

Don and

I

drove.

"You wouldn't want to end up

like that,"

Don

said.

"Nope." "I

wonder how you do."

"I

cant imagine that anyone would aim for that."

"I

guess

you

just

keep making the same mistake over and over

again until you're living alone in a cave

some

place deep in the

woods."

We stopped at a gas station and Don bought a twelve-pack of beer. We

As we headed north toward the border the sun emerged.

rode with beer cans between our knees and sang along to a country station.

We

were the only ones on the road. John Cougar

Mellencamp thundered over the radio and of beer.

I

opened two more cans

We tossed the empties into the back seat.

We were on

our way.

Really carelessly.

THE WATER

24

BETWEEN

IN

Gear Ships' chandleries are magnificent places to explore.

There

are

of line and chain and tubs of pitch, bales of caulking oakum;

coils

you can smell kerosene everywhere and walls alongside charts

through

gear

all this

and

and

sextants.

Even

you a

gives

it

lamps hang from the

brass

neophyte, you walk

as a

feeling of wherewithal, of

capacity.

Sea anchors to put out in storms,

and

fuel filters

life rafts

sail

needles and thread and

and emergency radio beacons; ocean

warm

of rubber and nylon, built to keep you dry and

suits

in

any

weather; spare bilge pumps; antifouling paint to discourage the

hanks and shackles

brass

barnacles;

—

everything gleams and

speaks of purpose.

We

spent days carting crates of gear

down

to the boat.

devoted one whole morning to looking over the different

I

sextants.

The man behind

our steady

enameled

me where

through

traffic

the counter had his store.

come

I

was going.

"Tahiti,"

I

know me from

was looking through a black

I

my hands. He asked

brass beauty that felt like a jewel in

"When?" he

to

told him, chest thrust out.

asked.

"Next week." "Pretty late in the season.

Do you know how

to use these

things?" he asked. "I've got a

"Let

book."

me show you

GPS

our

GPS

receivers."

receivers calculate position

from

signals they pick

they require no calculations and no

from

satellites;

user.

Four hundred

dollars

and the

size

TV

of a

skill

up

from the

remote control,

they give you your position anywhere on the planet to one hun-

dred

feet

"You I

of accuracy any time you want. The

really

leaned forward.

should get one."

did.

Good and ach

man

is

settled

beautiful gear

is

and soothed even

a kind of drug. as the gear

is

An

anxious stom-

studied. Solid half-

KEVIN PATTERSON

25

inch Dacron line for the halyards, it

takes

steel

two

just to

lift

the

sails triple-stitched

main out of the

turnbuckles and mast shrouds

—

it

and so heavy

locker, solid stainless-

makes you imagine the

boat and yourself equal to anything.

At

sea,

"anything" means storms. In 1805, Admiral Beaufort of

the British Royal strengths, based

The Beaufort

Beaufort Scale

Navy

wind

devised this scale for estimating

on observation of sea conditions:

Scale

Wind Speed

World

(miles per

Meteorological

Organization

hour)

Under

1

Calm

Effects at Sea

smooth mirror-

Flat calm; like sea.

1

1-3

Light

air

Ripples and scales on water surface;

no

smooth 2

4-7

Light breeze

make way

on

no wind can be

face; sea surface

benign look;

on ocean 8-12

Gentle breeze

in

water.

Small wavelets with glassy crests,

3

waves;

crests or

sailing vessels

felt

has a

stay filled

sails

swells.

Larger wavelets with occasional crests; light flags

may 4

13-18

Moderate breeze

be extended.

Moderate waves with

less

than half having whitecaps;

waves become longer. Sailing vessels

may

to begin to reduce

have sail,

depending on apparent

wind 5

19-24

Fresh breeze

strength.

Building with pronounced

may

long forms, waves reach 7

about

feet;

half.

whitecaps on

Spray

coming aboard.

starts

THE WATER

26

6

25-31

Strong breeze

may

Larger waves feet.

BETWEEN

IN

reach

1

Whitecaps everywhere;

more spray comes aboard; the beginnings of streaks

waves. Difficult to

on

make

progress upwind; noise

first

heard in rigging.

7

32-38

Near

gale

Sea heaping up and

may

reach 13 feet or more.

White

foam from breaking waves blown into conspicuous streaks

running with the

wind. Sailing vessels carry dramatically reduced rescue of

man

sail;

overboard

unlikely.

8

39-46

Gale

Waves lengthening and building to

1

8 feet or more.

Tops of wave

blown into are

crests often

spindrift; streaks

much more pronounced

and can be seen everywhere.

Loud moaning

or shrieking

noise in rigging.

Many

sailing vessels hove-to or

bearing away under short-

ened

sail.

Spectacles

be blown from 9

47-54

Strong gale

High waves, 20

may

face.

feet or

more. Crests of waves to topple

and

Visibility

reduced by

blowing

spray.

start

roll over.

Dense

streaks

of blown foam. Sailing vessels

employ storm

survival tactics.

10

55-63

Storm

Very high waves reaching

30-45

feet.

Foam blown

into dense white patches

with the wind; sea surface takes

on

a white look;

KEVIN PATTERSON

27

visibility

impaired; seas have

heavy tumbling appearance.

Noise from rigging very loud. Spray hurts face.

64-72

11

Violent storm

Exceptionally high waves;

medium-sized ships may be lost to view.

The

sea

is

completely covered with patches of foam; visibility affected.

73 and over

12

Hurricane

Air

filled

with foam; sea

completely white with driving spray; visibility greatly reduced.

Air filled with foam.

my

sound of that much. But

didn't like the

I

numerous instruction books

done when the wind blows hard

said there are things that can be

—

down

take

the

read that in Henderson's Singlehanded Sailing.

important point and so too rough,

I

underlined

—

make some sandwiches

to take

your hands off whatever

enough

to spread

it.

Also: before the seas get frustrating not being able

it

you

is

There were knots

is

astonished

fist

and twirling

nomical phenomena Arcturus

are clinging to long

it

I

I

me

clear to

that

great deal to

that so

I

had

know

had never heard of (the

inside the sheepshank: a confu-

coils); sails I didn't

and

have;

astro-

couldn't recognize (taking a sight off of

easy once you've found the kite-shaped Bootes

me

an

it.

bought made

Turk's head with the monkey's

sion of bitter ends

like

it is

immersed myself in a pursuit where there was a

knew none of

seemed

It

I

some Cheez Whiz.

All of the books I'd

I

for one.

sails,

much

worth knowing.

I

ships in bottles

and rubbing

.

.

.

). It

arcana could exist about anything

pictured cardigan-clad patrician their chins

men

fingering

and writing ever more

involved treatises on the shapes of waves and the color of rain.

all

Some advice was more useful. I learned that when the sails are down and the wheel is left untended the boat will adopt an atti-

tude parallel to the waves. This

is

called lying ahull.

It's

usually

THE WATER

28

on the boat but hard on the

easy

IN

BETWEEN

crew, as the side-to-side rolling

can become taxing. In larger seas

would become necessary

it

to attempt

the maneuvers spelled out in the most-read chapters in to-sail

books. There are two

real

concerns in storms.

ing seas are catastrophic, especially is

much

is

better to have the

some of

my

Firstly,

how-

break-

they catch you broadside.

if

It

bow split the wave, up where everything

oblique and robust. Lying ahull stops being a feasible storm

strategy

when

was

there

sound

of.

the seas begin to curl over themselves. Secondly,

this capsizing business.

Something

ones. Imagine

At

it.

Also, even if

that steerage

is

aforementioned

one

didn't like the

especially big

no moon

out.

tried to steer the boat perpendicular to the

a steep

wave can

and the boat

lost

parallel attitude

get everything going so fast

veers sideways, adopting the

and subsequent immersion. So,

things: in a storm, face into or directly

and don't get going so

you have

down

night, in cold driving rain, with

down

waves, surfing

If

I

In very large seas, if one lay parallel to the waves, one

ran the risk of the boat rolling side over side

two

else

fast

you

a sea anchor,

away from the weather

can't steer.

it

may

be

let

out from the

stern so that the boat rides perpendicular to the

bow

wave

or

trains

(alarming phrase, that). Sea anchors look like heavy canvas parachutes that are opened in the water and do their the boat

down

nearly to the point of motionlessness

to face into the

jib

and

on

—

this

is

it

to riding out a storm involves flying a tiny

setting the rudder

the boat sort of

and forcing

wind and waves and not go anywhere.

Another approach storm

work by slowing

stalls in

and the

sail

in such a

manner

that

the wind, taking the seas not quite head

called heaving- to.

Don and

I

talked about

what we would do

if

the boat ever

we were concerned that she would beam ends. We thought that we would trail a

started rolling to the point that

go right over on her

long warp or loop of line line,

with the anchor

—perhaps

at the

the hundred-fathom anchor

middle of the loop. This would keep

KEVIN PATTERSON

29

enough drag on the pendicular to the

stern (we hoped) that the boat

seas.

Then we would wedge

where down below and wait

awkward

that

would

it

out.

tried

I

be, dragging the

stay per-

ourselves some-

not to think about

anchor

with

aft

six

how

hundred

of jumbled rope and securing the whole mess in a storm so

feet

wild the

We

air

also

was

filled

with foam.

had a long conversation

Life rafts cost three

rafts.

many

crates

of gear

thousand

But there

are

some

in the chandlery about

dollars.

beautiful

me

self-inflating eight-person palaces that

nator, freeze-dried

on any-

emergency

fastened to the dock.

literally

life rafts

life

had already bought so

I

couldn't afford to spend three grand

I

thing that wasn't going to keep

—

out there

water-ballasted

come with

a water desali-

rations, radio beacons, flares, every-

We looked at them. We both knew the status of my finances.

thing. I

would

when you found yourself dig-

thought, "That would be a bad day,

ging one of these out of the locker. If the sea boat, think about being in

is

overwhelming your

in a five-foot-in-diameter rubber tub.

it

Freeze-dried emergency rations notwithstanding."

money on something

"Better to spend your

from needing one,"

"Good

One

point,"

night before

Don said, I

said,

we

pump

section.

following him.

left,

Don and

I

drinking a bottle of Southern Comfort.

power hooked up and so we

sat

below in the

is,

stillness,

We hadn't gotten the shore

sat talking in the

of the kerosene lamps. The thing it

that will stop us

walking on to the bilge

pungent weak

light

he kept saying, he hadn't seen

He would have worked on things. You just don't down that. He wouldn't have. Southern Comfort tastes to me

coming.

tools like

like alcoholic licorice syrup; every

choke. living

swallow

They did have some arguments, and

on Vancouver

Island,

Swallow, shudder.

away from her

is

a struggle not to

she found

friends.

it

tough

He knew

that.

THE WATER

30

Some can't

things

you

can't see

coming, that s

all,

IN

BETWEEN

he guessed. You

be prepared for everything.

But pared.

after

being blindsided once, you always want to be pre-

Hence the appeal of gear. I'm gonna be

lovely rope

I

have.

okay, look at

all this

(Jhapter

With

Sea Mouse stuffed with crates of equipment

Nanaimo for Anacortes, in the San Juan Islands, where we planned meet Richard and our wind vane. After this, we were heading and

to

the

Two

rolls

of

line,

we

untied and

left

back to Victoria to say goodbye to Don's parents and then setting out to open

The

sea.

sheer quantity of gear below was at odds with

of progressive simplification, but

all

adamant about the need

for adequate

and storm

and

sails

of Manitoba I

and

still

tools

working

was in a poor position

the books, and

ground

toilet paper.

my notion Don, were

tackle, for instance,

With

the dry land dust

way out from under my fingernails, argue. I just signed more checks and

its

to

agreed that only a fool would set to sea without a case of Wet-Naps.

THE WATER

32

We It

anchored for the night in a small cove off Galiano

was the

first

time

had

I

some whiskey and then with the

might In the

on a boat not

slept

I

smiled so widely

oil, I

morning

I

awoke

got a

top.

Don was

crates redo-

thought

my

move

on."

on the

chart,

hull.

dressed quickly and

I

looking into the dissipating morning mist.

"Thought

said.

He handed me

our way through the dozens of that,

drank

for space

rumble of the engine and the

to the

"Couldn't sleep very well," he

we

I

Island.

split.

sound of water streaming past the

went up

We

dock.

wedged between

lay there,

and engine

at

competing

rolled to sleep slowly,

of gear. As

piles

lent of kerosene

face

BETWEEN

IN

looked

a

it

would be

cup of coffee.

islands,

We

threaded

American and Canadian

jam, until eventually

like spilt

best if

we

alongside a wharf on Fidalgo Island as the sun was setting.

pulled It

was

already another country.

We walked

up the

of Anacortes hadn't true,

pier to the

main

much changed

street. It felt like

the

town

in fifty years. This couldn't be

of course, and the impression of changelessness could only be

sustained by refusing to acknowledge the butt-crack-waving fat in blue jeans

and beards tinged with maple syrup

neoned Denny's beside the 7-Eleven, which

men

in the yellow-

flickered

and blazed

beside the Blockbuster video store.

so

The ethos of nostalgic sentimentality appealed to Don and me much we were briefly tempted to join the Republican Party and

wear Ronald Reagan buttons.

had been kinder. Where

As much salmon

as

It

seemed

fiberglass

anyone could

to us both that earlier times

was now, there had been wood. eat.

At our

age, all eight

of our

grandparents had been married for a decade or more. Sepia-tinted fantasies

about

less

complicated times

solace picturing ourselves in coarse

over one shoulder.

And

filled

our heads and

woolen

great hats too.

And

trousers with fly rods

hip waders.

As we proceeded down mainstreet Anacortes, lights

and dismal and squalid love

affairs

we found

garish fluorescent

fronted by insincerities

and ambivalence were replaced by various chiseled-jaw versions of our idealized

selves in thick

wool

sweaters, standing in authentic

KEVIN PATTERSON

wooden

33

taverns full of proud but

modest old people and admired

women. "We're going to sea," we would tell them. I wasn't sure what we would say after that, or what they would say back. But we certainly looked by

and determined

intelligent

natural-fabric-clad

our sweaters.

fine in

We

needed to buy something that could serve

as a

reaching

when going downwind. The thousand bucks. Don thought we could

pole, to hold the jib out to the side

fancy metal ones are a

would do

find something cheaper that

as well.

stopped paying

I

attention to the details, enjoying the conversations in

We

were

just in

town

the storms were near

Ooh,

I

We

head.

provisionin' afore headin' out to sea. Yeah,

all right.

Nope, wasn't gonna be a cakewalk.

liked this.

found an establishment that sold ash logging poles that

had been milled since.

my

It

forty years ago

and had been gathering dust

was a miraculous place

—

ever

telephones from the

field

Second World War, knee-high leather logging boots, winches and nets

and crab pots and

that

had ever served some purpose,

rifles.

If there

had ever been it

was

under a dust-caked sheet of canvas. The

had done so

and plaid

for decades.

They wore

for sale in that store

men who worked

stained

flannel shirts that barely contained their contents.

been on the

TV lots.

told

me

These

told me, "we've

Everyone says we're quaint. Now, you were

thinking about something in the

He

there

and extravagant beards

men took our amazement and delight in stride. "Oh yeah, we're real famous," one of them

you?"

a piece of gear

that sailors

way of

from

a reaching pole, were

Seattle

came

all

the

way out

here just to buy the dusty tarnished gear that had sat on their shelves for so it.

many years. He

pulled out a pole and sighted along

"This one looks straight," he declared, handing

him why he thought people went roded gear. I wanted him to like me and

out of their

I

shared the pragmatic opinion

along the pole.

"

I

expected

my

said.

to

me.

I

asked

to buy old cor-

tone

him

'Cause there're enough shiny

world already," he

it

way

made

to have.

new

I

it

clear

sighted

things in the

THE WATER

34

had

I

wished

I

paid for the pole, hefted

I

into the street.

said that.

The

it

I

my shoulder and walked out

over

was closing and a stream of Nautica-clad

store

men and women were shooshed dusty objects.

watched them

out

after

disappeared up a side

street.

The

me, carrying various

Don

disperse.

plaid

a telephone

and bearded man

He

been talking with exited and walked up to a minivan.

and backed out into the

in, started it I

walked down to the boat.

went back downtown.

It

schooner. I

walked inside

my

familiar picture, I

old

the night.

he

ter,"

and

I

had

I

climbed

on board and then

the pole

quiet.

The Hotel

was white- and black-painted

It

and

as graceful as a

Grand Banks

why I hadn't noticed it earlier. and sat down at the bar. I asked for an espresso

reflection in the mirror.

man

my breath.

approached

exhaled.

said,

It

was a disappointingly

weedy and pointy-chinned. Such round shoul-

holding

tried

An

call.

couldn't understand

I

and studied

ders.

years old

the

street.

was dark now and

Majestic dominated the block.

wood, a hundred

I left

me on

touched

make

shoulder and said that he was going to go

He

BETWEEN

IN

and

I

told

him

retreated.

ate the cookie that

I

Shoulders back. That was better.

me and I

had a

if

boat.

"Oh,

drank from the

came with

it. I

would be

asked

I

that's

little

staying

much

bet-

porcelain cup

watched the prosperous and

contented-looking burghers eating in the dining room. There was a

fire

snapping in the fireplace and

of days little

I

would be leaving

cookie taste even

this far

civility all

around. In a matter

behind. That thought

Richard was scheduled to arrive the following day. just putting

away the

breakfast dishes

Don and

I

the

were

when he knocked on

He had brought along one of these bearded and westerners, a man named Jerome who had the shape hull.

made

better.

the

plaid North-

of a brown

bear and the disposition of a giraffe. Richard had repainted the

wind vane, changed every bearing and adjusted every moving part.

KEVIN PATTERSON

"I

found the

35

number," he

serial

become of it.

made

He was

"I just

bought the whole package."

"She's in beautiful shape,

we

you know."

taken her out for complete sea

really haven't

But Richard meant

When

boat.

trials

far."

—my—wind vane and

in his confused

were evident.

board?" he asked.

He

briefly inspected the

piles down there, I saw him we were still stowing gear before heading Of course we wouldn't go to sea with things looking like

flinch.

offshore.

his

differing obsessions

"May we come on him

was

it

then?" Richard asked.

little

but things look pretty good so

nodding our

said

it," I said.

did he use the vane so

"Well,

it

going to Hawaii."

"Why

yet,

had wondered what had

remember now, the man who ordered

I

for a vessel such as this.

"Well, he

said. "I

he looked below and saw the

I

told

that.

"Looks set to

like

work

you already have," he

installing the

wind

watched while they bolted

it

vane.

onto the transom of the boat.

when Richard made

getting dark

pronounced the vane

Then he and Jerome Don and I hung around and replied.

satisfactory.

He

looked

ized that he wouldn't be able to go out for a I

looked

for a

at

was

It

the last of his adjustments and at the

sail

with

sky and us.

real-

Don and

each other thinking the same thing. Richard's face froze

moment, and then he

said

he would be on

his way.

He was

moment I wanted to ask him to come with know how he would have responded. "Please be care-

very abrupt and for a us. I don't ful,"

he

said,

and was gone.

In Victoria, Don's parents

One

met

us

and we

all

went out

for supper.

of Don's old friends, Marcus, had brought his boat, Ladeo,

around from Nanaimo to evening was

stilted

see us off.

He

ate

with us too.

The

and melancholic. The restaurant was overpriced

and among these people who obviously had known each other

for

THE WATER

36

thirty years,

I felt

like

parents walked us

an intruder.

down

drank too

I

to the boat.

It

IN

much

seemed

to

BETWEEN

wine. Don's

me

that his

father wanted to tell him that it wasn't so bad. But They hugged both of us. I went below while Don made his goodbyes. The air was full of unsaids. A few minutes later, Don came down and we pulled out our

mother and they didn't.

was so drunk

sleeping bags.

I

cabin sole as

lay in

my bunk. Don

quickly

asleep

walked around, breathing deeply,

made

phone

a

I

and

call to

crawled into

The

my ex-girlfriend.

thing.

walked through the emptying

I

listened to the revelers returning to their cars

When I walked back Don was still asleep.

wall.

my berth,

next morning

I

woke

top.

middle-aged

man was

lashed to the lifeline stanchions.

headed.

Don

"Good cockpit,

filled

The man

we came

until

opening

just

our tank to the brim and then

down on

do you think

it

we had where we were

each of the jugs asked us

extruding themselves from beneath the the foredeck, and the indescribable chaos

will take

"Fifty days or so,"

went into the

cooler.

We

I

We

answered.

the sailbags

I

office, to

came back with

thirty cans

to the

for the day.

that could be glimpsed through the cabin portholes.

I

put

luck," he said, looking at the persistent disarray of the

dinghy, tied

useful.

I

We untied the dock lines.

motored through the quiet inner harbor

A

dressing.

my and

to the boat

sound of him

to the

my clothes quickly and went up

fuel dock.

still

She didn't answer,

stepped into an alley for a time and leaned

head against a brick

there,

and began

I

I

their beds.

filled

fell

was no movement.

late-night streets

We

one foot down on the

got up and dressed. In the parking lot

which was probably a good

on

to put

I

drunk.

and

had

cabin spun.

snoring. there

The

I

I

of Pepsi.

"How

long

you?" he asked. said.

As the

last

of the jugs were

filled I

look around for anything that might be a dozen ice cream bars, a block of ice

Don

looked

at

me

oddly.

I

went back up top and paid the man. As

Marcus motored alongside

untied the lines and went to

in the

sea.

and

put them in the

Don and

I

stood

Ladeo and waved to

us.

KEVIN PATTERSON

37

Outside the harbor entrance, the gentle swell of the Juan de

Fuca as

came up quickly and

Strait

there

was a crashing from below

seemingly secured crockery sought better resting spots.

up.

The

I

cleaned

boat was pitching and rolling in a manner that seemed

cal-

my limbs and forehead to compete with the cor-

culated to compel

ners of the galley counters for occupancy of space-time. Lurching

and staggering like a drunk with no hope,

my mouth

time and closed

panionway

Don. He was

to

pletely implacable.

cream

bars. It

tightly.

I

I

shut

my eyes for a long

looked up through the com-

steering the boat

and looked com-

reached into the cooler and grabbed two ice

I

was so cold we both wore sweaters, jackets and

"Thanks," he

hats.

said.

"No problem.

I

thought

might be nice

it

some snacks

to have

over the next few days." "I don't

know

if they'll last

that long."

"Well, we'll just have to be disciplined."

"No,

I

think

"Oh,

I

bought

they'll melt." ice."

"I

think that will melt."

"I

guess we'll have to see."

"It

was a nice idea anyway."

"It's

pretty rough today,

He looked at me with that shakes loose at

first.

a

isn't it?" little

something

smile. "There's always

You can never

the right combination of pitches and

know for sure

rolls will

do

at

dock what

to your gear until

you're out here. There's always something."

the

"What would you say this swell is, six feet?" I said, looking water. He looked down and then at me, kindly. "Maybe two." "Really?"

ice

cream

I

bar.

garbage bag.

I

looked away and rolled I

my

at

him and wondered

had

effectively hired a

looked back up at

for a safe little

return to

finished his

took the wrappers below and inaugurated our

doing anything here

me out

my eyes. Don

at

all. I

romp around

friends to brag about

if

I

was

guide to take

the ocean, after which

my

derring-do.

really

I

could

"Akmed,

my

THE WATER

38

inscrutable

and

me

tably poured to his I

faithful

guide prepared our supper and then inscru-

set

up our

tent.

As he rubbed

thought of England and the greater glory

through

my arduous

ceiver. LadeOy Ladeo, Ladeo, this

is

Don

I

treat.

He emerged with

Don

fifty feet

gave

me

the

away.

helm and

a handful of ice cream bars just as swell

was sloshing us about so

foresaw our boats slamming into one another and ending

"Hold her very

the trip right there.

leaned out over the shut

spoke into the trans-

the Sea Mouse, over.

Marcus was coming alongside. The

much

would bring her

I

We could see him

Ladeo.

this is

Ladeo, come on over for a

dashed below.

my aching back

adventure."

Marcus approached from behind. Sea Mouse,

BETWEEN

In his strange and savage tongue he prayed

tea.

God and then

IN

life rail.

The

ice

steady,"

Don

told

me and

cream bars were handed

my eyes.

Ladeo remained alongside us for most of that morning. see

Marcus eating

cream bars and looking over

ice

wondered whether what he gressed

up the

strait,

coaming and braced "Okay,

its

"Do you

maybe

he

"Nope, not once." As

I

said, if

my experience. as

and

we

I

pro-

Pacific, the swell

gripped the sides of the cockpit

three feet now,"

my life,"

opening up now,

I

could

myself.

ever get seasick?"

"Never in

crossings of

felt

I

at us

was envy or concern. As

drawing closer to the North

and markedly.

increased steadily

swell

off. I

I

I

Don

said.

asked.

squinting at the horizon. "You?"

could have, in the half-dozen ferry

looked out

Vancouver Island drew away

The

strait

was

to the north.

The

at the sea.

was lengthening, the waves growing farther apart and the

troughs deeper.

By late

afternoon, a

and the boat. leather

We

and iced

and we were

rhythm had formed between the two of us

took turns

tea.

at the

helm.

We

ate a

lunch of fruit

Ladeo turned away with a wave from Marcus

finally alone.

Don

raised

and they exchanged goodbyes. As

I

Marcus on the radio again

listened

I

appreciated for the

KEVIN PATTERSON

time that

first

that he

was

its tall

this trip

was two journeys

just as desperate as

An American and

39

I

—Don's and mine—and

was.

nuclear submarine appeared off the Washington coast

black conning tower sliced

its

way through

the water at

thirty knots. Just the tower itself was longer than the Sea

from the

vessel's

bow wave

to

its

stern

wash

it

was

Mouse and

gigantic,

hun-

We could see sailors' sunglasses glinting in the We waved at them. They didn't wave back. They pulled

dreds of feet long. bright sun.

ahead of us in minutes and then abruptly dove, disappearing in a

Don told me he had once met submariners in Hawaii. He asked them how fast they could go. "Fast," they replied, and looked steely, chests prominent. He asked them how deep they swirl

of froth.

could dive. "Deep," they I

had read an essay

said. Lips like

in Harper's

pinched suction cups.

about what

it

was

like to live

on

those ships, to cruise around the world hundreds of feet deep,

without surfacing.

thought about

I

and wondered what just

now

setting

sort

low

strange that

of person would choose

were stretching out across

feuille.

The only

light those

glow of the

it

men on

like

an

of mille-

astral piece

knew was

why

—

the sky, the

wave

swell

be rejected for that claustrophobic monotony.

Then

I

the essence of the sea

the

only rhythm, the steady

throb of the nuclear-powered boiler and the steam turbine.

dered

be,

The sun was

it.

the submarine

electric bulbs; the

must

life

and horizontal orange

in the western sky

streaks

fluorescent

how

I

won-

—would

wondered

if

those submariners didn't represent the final extreme of the decisions everyone out

on the ocean

that day

had made.

turned our backs on some thing or another.

between a rejection and a selection can be a tinction

is

crucial.

The

fine one.

We

had

all

distinction

But

this dis-

THE WATER

40

We

cleared

Cape

the horizon.

Ahead

and the

BETWEEN

Flattery as the last of the sun disappeared

The

sea

swell continued to lengthen

He

below

way to Japan, became darker and more

stretched unbroken ocean

four thousand miles to the west. viscous

IN

all

the

Don and

and deepen.

make supper and went below. There was a satisfying crash of pots but when Don stuck his head through the companionway to declare it too rough to cook, I I

grew hungry.

volunteered to

looked skeptically over the side and agreed. There was a pause. In

we had

the cooler, he found a Mrs. McBean's Pecan Pie that

bought

in the days before

He emerged

our departure.

utes later with a couple of cans of Pepsi

there in the twilight

The

stars

began to

sat

ate quickly.

coasts of Vancouver Island

Off the rough western

and the Olympic Peninsula I looked

saw none. Mount Olympus was

the dark as a rising blackness

our contented

We

forks.

The pie was only half thawed. show themselves and we could just make out and

the Pachena Point lighthouse beacon.

car headlights but

and two

a few min-

bellies

and stared

all

around.

It

even in

visible

Don and

on the horizon.

for

patted

I

was night, and we

were not dashing for shore. The horizon was empty of

We set Richard's wind vane and went below. We lit the kerosene lamps and sat together at the

ships'

lights.

table. It

warmer down here and the orange flame of the lamps shone polished woodwork.

time so

far,

the trip

It felt

so safe, so comforting, that for the

felt like

was

in the first

something other than posturing.

Every ten minutes or so one of us poked our head through the

companionway this night the

night.

to scan for ships

ocean was

like a

and check our

small-town main

position.

street

on

a

But on

Sunday

Everybody was home eating dinner.

We each began reading under the kerosene lamp. picked Anna Karenina out from the shelf of books. We were quiet for a long I

time.

It

top and

than

it

I

went up

had been.

A tapping began to sound on the cabin

to investigate.

We

It

was

raining,

continued to motor.

We

and much colder wanted

to put as

room between us and the shore before we started messaround with sailing. The swell grew deeper yet and the bow of

much ing

was now very dark.

sea

I

KEVIN PATTERSON

41

Mouse began plunging and

the Sea

alarming gait of a shopping mall Bucking Bronco

down boat.

up,

Don had

below.

We

each posted

down.

It

sea action but

and alarmed by

to

Don would

of the

side

down,

could, pitch up,

seemed a little inconceivable

mal amount of reassured

we

went back

ride. I

one foot held out to grip the

as best

and

rearing with the steady

side, side,

me that this was a nornot waver.

his insistence that these seas

was both

I

were noth-

ing out of the ordinary.

As we

sat there

noticed that barbecue.

—me,

had begun

I

ignored

I

gripping a bulkhead for dear

salivating like a St.

and then abruptly

well

phobic. All

but

at first,

it

quently and wondered what I

this

I

said.

The

some

top. "I could use

languorous "Sure,"

ease. "After

Don

I

in the cockpit

fresh air."

seized

my

I

grinned

at

efforts

"You okay?"

I

I

who

up top

for a

I'll

go

sit

and sit

affecting

inside."

my

in

continued to swallow repeat-

I

rain

and

felt better. I sat

as the stern rose

down

and

fell

playmate hidden in the darkness as

my

lips parted, a

paroxysm

showing some remarkably quick thinking, I

thrust

my head into the dark over

Don. "Hoo-waaah!"

I

hollered. Mrs.

were propelled out into the darkness, hung

moment and

warmth, perhaps.

as

blinked at Don,

go out to sea to

him. But

the gunwale, out of sight of

there for a

think

and held onto the coaming

considering the circumstances,

McBean's best

I

rose, stretching

I

didn't

wind and cool

belly and,

fre-

companionway hatch and breathed

like a gigantic teeter-totter,

off the bow.

fuel.

"I

dried a bit and

faced into the

swallowed

I

began yawning

not looking up.

said,

My mouth

deeply.

summer

began beating harder against the cabin

all, I

burst through the

I

edly.

rain

about.

I

at a

—

began feeling more and more claustro-

was reading an aviation magazine. minute,"

all

could smell was diesel

I

worsened.

it

was

Bernard

life

then came back with the wind, seeking

blinked through

heard

Don

call

my speckled

spectacles.

from below, without urgency.

There was a long pause.

"Oh slipped

yeah,"

I

yelled,

on the deck out

wiping

here."

my

face

and grimacing.

"Just

THE WATER

42

"You should be wearing your harness," he "Yep,

put

I'll

BETWEEN

IN

said.

on."

it

"Okay." clipped a tether to

I

my jacket harness and one of the

mast shrouds and then keep the rain out," ded.

I

I

companionway

closed the

mizzen-

hatch. "To

He

explained, to Don's glance upward.

nod-

leaned against the back of the cabin top, alongside the

I

hatch, facing

aft.

The

circular

window

in the hatch emitted a yel-

low beam that glowed against the glistening and dripping mizzenmast.

breathed heavily.

I

and then

release

More pecan

too joined the

it

my new

spiring heavily in

sea.

pie began clamoring for

Despite the cold,

was per-

I

foul-weather gear, which was

now

streaked with the love of Mrs. McBean's kitchen.

as

my

hung

I

my

head over the

and held

rail

body convulsed and pecan

tightly to the shrouds

pie shot out of

me

like

I

was a

tanker cleaning her bilges. After a long period of pious and panting reflection,

my

ning

and

my mouth

I

was growing

cold,

like a

hydrophobic

rat terrier's.

eyes.

panionway hatch. galley. I

staggered

I

down

I

think

opened

was no longer run-

stood and opened the com-

the ladder and stopped in the

braced myself against the stove.

"You were up there a long time," ships?"

I

There was a tightened quality

much about

it,

preoccupied

as

I

heard

Don

to his voice but I

"See any

say. I

did not

was with the business of

swallowing and breathing.

"No," think

I

was

said. "I

we should

just listening to the

wind.

Do

you, uh,

hoist the sails sometime, save the fuel?"

"Yeah, maybe,"

Don

gasped,

"it feels like

the

wind

is

freshen-

What would you say it is, fifteen knots now?" I looked over at him. He had laid his magazine down and was holding on to the ing.

table edge, his eyes shut, his face pallid, beads of perspiration shin-

ing

on

his

upper

"Something cially

lip.

like that,"

pronounced

"Maybe

I'll

I

said,

pausing to lurch with an espe-

roll.

have a look up there, too."

KEVIN PATTERSON

Don I

43

climbed past me, pawing for

turned on

heard a bellow from above.

Don opened

head below. "Yeah,

say there

is

We've got enough sea room, too,

"Coming right up," swung the bow

We

I

enough wind

to sail

the jib

on the

The bow

is

I

held her there while

around the boat.

most

far the

it

I

my

clipped

crawled on the

we went up

to prepare the jib for hoisting.

forestay, pulling

by

all right.

up the companionway.

wind and

pitching and rolling deck and together

on the foredeck

wet

his

to be safe."

Don hoisted the mainsail. He waved me forward and I tether onto the jackline that ran

to the pulpit

We began hanking

in big handfuls out of the sailbag.

active spot

on a boat and with each

plunge into the oncoming waves, a sheet of water swept over

knocking us off our

Don

Just as

tubing of the pulpit, first

no cause

we

looked up and around and then

I

for his concern.

and bulging-eyed

finished hanking the

intensity,

in the army, crawling in the

I

at

him,

us,

on

steel

see-

Then, recognizing the pursed

spread myself flat, as

if I

mud under my shoulders.

Manitoban

Pecan pie arced out in a parabola over at

sail

move!" As he reached for the

called out, "You'd better

ing at lip

feet.

I

The program poked

the hatch and

said, leaping

into the

at the table.

Lister Sinclair intoned.

turned up the radio.

I

was almost over when I'd

down

sat

air. I

was playing.

the radio. Ideas

him and he looked ashamed of himself.

I

was back

barbed wire. I

glanced up

grinned.

"You okay?"

He nodded and At

then clipped on the

made my way back to the mast and began Under the dim moonlight the white sail glowed

his instruction

hauling the

sail

up.

jib halyard.

I

and flapped, snapping

in the wind.

We

retreated to the

turned away from the wind, to the southwest. the Sea

Mouse heeled

weight of wind in the it

abruptly. sails

sails

at the sails as

flattened out

and

sails filled

stabilizing effect

the rolling stopped and for the

began to seem bearable to be

looked up

Under the

The

Don

it felt

although by the knotmeter

at sea

on a

helm and

little

of the

first

it

had

time

boat in weather.

tightened the jib and mainsheets. as if the boat's

and

I

The

speed had just doubled,

scarcely changed.

Don

shut off

THE WATER

44

the engine and then

was

it

finally

we had not done

astonishing that

and gloriously

this

hours

the wind, and the boat surging along.

The

exhaust dissipated.

rain even let up.

IN

earlier.

was

seemed

quiet. It

There was

The odor of It

BETWEEN

the diesel

entirely different.

We sat there for a long while and then Don said he was tired. I

would

take

first

just

I

said

watch and he nodded and went below. Our

first

were extinguished, the boat seemed to

dis-

We rose up with the swell and then down,

and

night at sea.

As the cabin

lights

appear beneath me. it

was

hand was underneath me, holding me

like a

The vanished

above the water.

the ocean.

my

switched on

me.

up

I

me

hit

that

flashlight

was cold and very dark.

we were headed

weak yellow

When Don

shook

looked so tired I

was

light.

and looked

I

me awake

switched

it

feet

shiv-

I

further out into

like that before. Periodically

checked the compass and looked

in the

sleep.

It

It

had never seen dark

I

few

Sea Mouse heeled in the breeze and

the waves collapsed behind me.

ered and held on.

just a

at the sea

at the

running beside

cone of boat parts

it off. I

He

places that he

lit

my watch.

checked

was long past dawn.

when we had changed

I

said

had

grateful but not particularly well rested.

I

let

Don

had

me was

standing in the galley and had large purple rings under his eyes.

He had made coffee. He had seen four ships during the night; none of them came close. I dressed and he watched me. He looked at the stove

and

lifted

up a pan. "Do you want anything

to eat,

some

eggs maybe?"

"How about some pecan pie?" He put the pan both stuck to ill-advised

coffee.

As

but nothing

pie

had represented.

up

top.

Outside

it

the coast of

back down.

We

anti-seasickness strategies go, caffeine

pecan

like the invitation to calamity that

Don went

back to the sea berth and

remained gray and cold and

Oregon and Washington

is

volatile; the

is

I

went

weather off

famously ill-tempered.

KEVIN PATTERSON

With

the

days

hoisted, however, the Sea

sails

The wind was

out to run.

With

45

still

how

began learning

and the nights were

tiring

sails.

constantly and

was

agreed that

sweaters

and our

there for months.

sail.

A

thought

the genoa

skin. After a

I

as the rain hit.

week

it felt

I

and

fell I

knew what

to do.

I

Don

didn't

wake up Don.

to

Don

we had been out saw

I

a squall ap-

was napping below

was attached to the

genoa and went below

down on

sat

I

rushing past me.

the galley floor

I

—

sickening force and

My first thought was that

began to laugh. Then

he was seasick again and

I

realized that the

could hear the mast vibrating with

I

jumped up and followed him

I

had come loose and was whipping shredded in a dozen places and

They wound around

Dacron

it

mounting storm we

and went below This was a In the

to fix if

and lower the whole

seemed absurd.

We

The

sail

was

the forestay,

we had we now had no way

would not let

the Sea

really

Mouse

be possilie

ahull

disaster.

morning we contemplated our problem.

enough

Don and

the starboard forestay and, although

of hoisting a headsail, without which In the

The genoa

flagged in the wind.

still

eliminated the immediate threat of dismasting,

sail.

in.

we wound

as tight as

eight-foot-long tendrils of ribbed

out.

in the sixty-knot gale.

ran forward and tried to wrestle the roller furling

easy

to the fore-

asleep myself.

woke up

ble to

up

doused the main and rolled in

roller-furling system that

whole boat was shaking

I

like

was on watch when

tied the line that secured the I

to dash

was hard. Not awful, but hard.

It

on the

sail

port forestay.

I

next few

and perspiration coated our

proaching us quickly from the southeast. I

side, over the

use our fresh water for drinking and

film of salt

Several nights later

and

let

Squalls blew through frequently

and often we had

we would only

brushing our teeth.

dog

We stayed in our foul-weather gear almost too cold to properly bathe in the rain. We

deck to douse the it

to

a

felt like

blowing hard out of the southeast.

on her starboard

the boat settled over

I

Mouse

It

would be

one of us could go up to the top of the mast forestay

looked

down but

in the seas

at the chart.

We

we were

in that

were seven hundred

THE WATER

46

IN

BETWEEN

We turned east half-heart-

miles west-northwest of San Francisco.

we didn't have enough fuel to motor the whole way and under mainsail alone we made hardly any headway. Jesus Christ. I settled edly:

into a pout,

Hours

and spent that morning below, drinking

Don

later,

me

called

come

to

He was

up.

tea.

standing in

the cockpit. "I

think IVe figured out

how to

fix it,"

he

said.

of light nylon line in one hand and a U-shaped other.

We went

forward, to the forestays.

around the starboard said.

Then he

tied

it

forestay.

the

attached the shackle

going to be our pulley," he

is

ran the free end of the line through the shackle and

tightly to the

bottom of the shredded genoa on the port

he attached the

forestay. Finally,

to the shackle, so that

board

"This

He

He had a spool

steel shackle in

forestay.

He

he could

then had

jib

halyard and another loose line

raise

and lower

me wind

it

along the

star-

in the port forestay as

hoisted and lowered the shackle, slowly working his the streams of ripped nylon were caught in the

way higher

web of nylon

he as

line

wound around the port forestay and the sail. Eventually it looked like a giant worm that had been ensnared and wrapped by a similarly large spider. The whole process took about fifteen minutes. We had a free forestay now and could hoist a sail. It made all the difference in the world. that

We

we

slowly

turned south once again and

quesas.

We

were going to be

fine.

made

board

twenty miles a day. of the American

jib

we hanked on

Our

Mar-

the star-

We followed our progress against the landmarks

coast:

we

passed Crescent City in California, and

—and then we were

although over a thousand miles offshore.

abruptly.

in the

and we began covering a hundred and

then San Francisco and L.A. coast,

Hiva Oa,

Losing use of the port forestay

was a nuisance but nothing more. The forestay filled easily

for

foul-weather gear

came

off the

The

Mexican

climate shifted

off and stayed

off.

Now the

KEVIN PATTERSON

rain let

47

was so warm that

the

warm

was pleasant to remain outside in

wash out of our

salt streaks

sun was so

it

that

we began

hair

it

and

and underwear. And the

to darken quickly

and

at night

was as comfortable to remain up top in the cockpit as

it

it

was to

sleep below.

The winds were steadier now. The wind vane steered for us and we began cooking more ambitiously. Don baked bread and I made elaborate curries. We both pretended to prefer each other's dishes. We read and we watched the ocean roll past. Every day we seemed to make better speed and put more miles behind us. We listened to

Radio Canada International and heard that the

first

of

the winter blizzards were hitting the prairies and gales were start-

ing to skies

come

were

Polaris

ashore

filled

with high

sunk lower

storms were in

on the West Coast. Around fluffy

trade-wind

cumulus clouds and each night

Two thousand

astern.

us, the

miles behind us, winter

full force.

Distance

When

was in the army

I

impatience

as

I

I

spent three years holding

my breath

in

waited for the end of my obligatory service. Every

my neat little army house on a small artillery base in southern Manitoba and I sat on the end of my bed and just morning I woke up stared at the wall. arid

Manitoban

in

Beyond the

wall stretched thousands of acres of

prairie, rutted

and grooved by the tracked

self-

propelled howitzers that charged from coulee to cutline, pausing to lob a

few high-explosive rounds off someplace. The mainte-

nance of those howitzers lent whatever meaning there was to the soldiers'

days there.

The

walls of

my

little

house shook and the

dishes rattled with every detonation, so deep as to be almost in-

audible,

army as and

so

felt

rather in the spine

a solution I

and kidneys.

I

had chosen the

when I had run out of money in medical

couldn't even

summon up

school

the conscript's indignation as

THE WATER

48

solace.

I

read

many books

I

drank whole

I

could hide being drunk

The

in

in that

its

house and

of sweet liqueurs if

regiment

artillery

me

involve

bottles

anyone

secretly,

visited

—

BETWEEN

listened to the radio.

slowly enough that

me.

belonged to made

I

social life

I

IN

many

attempts to

the colonel's Christmas party, the

Easter ball. There was even a lingerie party the base surgeon's wife

threw that

I

was compelled

to attend.

I

sat

among

and good-natured people and grinned, longing

these benign

to be

anywhere

but there.

conducted a running resistance of misanthropic withdrawal.

I

Unless

summoned by the adjutant and instructed to attend,

When

forced to show,

rude and sullen.

more

I

weekends

I

hated that place and

drove

as fast as I

had

I

didn't.

was remote,

left early. I

could not give to

On

it

one

off-duty

my pick-up truck would take me into whom I whined unceasingly. I

friends to

concede that there were more

available to

I

and

of myself than was absolutely necessary.

bit

Winnipeg, where will

arrived late

I

I

effective

and mature responses

me.

spent two insanely cold Canadian winters there at Shilo. After

a time

my

regimental colleagues gave

me up

as a

unsociable and aloof, and stopped trying to pry tle

house.

When

waste of

me

effort,

out of my

the weather was too surly to drive to

lit-

Winnipeg

I

passed whole weekends without talking to anyone; cooped up in

my little went

all

to smell

keep,

read novels and sipped Frangelico and sometimes

day without getting out of my bathrobe.

and

I

My room started

never noticed.

read The Alexandria Quartet and imagined the Mediterranean

I

in vivid azure cais,

I

and

tan.

The Lover propelled

me into Indochine Fran-

drinking sweet strong coffee and smoking opium. This

appealed to me: foreign and physical beauty, heat, Cortazar's Hopscotch Paris;

had

me

is

what

exile, resilience.

imagining myself an Argentine in

Lowry, a drunken Brit in white linen and perspiration

stains.

KEVIN PATTERSON

49

Around me, meanwhile:

peeling clapboard shacks thrown

few weeks during the war,

way from I

my

now and

train,

with a

roll

green mountains clacking past.

my

packed

When

I

was

and packed

it

it

Three white cotton Four

pairs

Three

knees. Outside:

Headed away.

packed that leather suitcase and kept house.

all

of American dollars in

shoe and a small leather suitcase between

little

in a

the mountains.

imagined myself on a

I

up

looking older,

people there, scoured by crystalline snow accelerating

like the

the

years old

fifty

it

under

especially depressed,

again. This

is

I

what was

my bed in my

pulled in

it

out, un-

it:

shirts

of boxer shorts

pairs

of cotton socks, one of wool

A pair of wool trousers A pair of walking shorts A bottle of ink A sheaf of heavy letter paper Envelopes Five

hundred American

One thousand

dollars, in twenties

dollars in traveler's checks

A blank journal Homer's Odyssey Musil's The

An

Man

Without Qualities

English-Spanish- French dictionary

A jackknife My passport It

made me

happy, that

little suitcase. I

attention during regimental inspections

mind, unpacking and refolding the socks

and books together

no space

at

all.

in a tight

Along one

brush and beside

side

I

remember standing

and opening

shirts.

I

imagined

and compact

squeezed in

it

up

fitting

lattice that

my

razor

in

at

my my

wasted

and tooth-

my trousers, my jackknife. remember standing in olive drab with my eyes rolled back in my

among my colleagues

I

THE WATER

50

head smiling stupidly

TGIF

attendance

at

BETWEEN

IN

nothing obvious. At the compulsory-

mess

sessions in the officers'

I

withdrew

to the

mess library and read novels, only emerging long enough to buy of whiskey and catch the eye of the adjutant, demonstrat-

glasses

ing

my

presence in body.

attempts to engage bles.

me

The

wives of the senior officers

in dialogue

and

made

answered in monosylla-

I

They did not persist any longer than their husbands had and them my ill-mannered behavior. This further irri-

reported back to

men and

tated these

eventually

my

called into the office of

commander.

battery

The major was an gles

was

I

intelligent

and kind man whose own

strug-

with the colonel's tedious wife and her estimations of him were

frequently a subject of regimental gossip.

we would be insisted that

friends,

it

made the most of it of humor. Nobody was really ask-

much from me,

after

all,

he

said.

if I

He was

A little bit

right.

of politeness and professionalism should not have been too

He drew his

to ask.

paternally.

Through

chair closer to

"So will you do

returned to

my

the

He

caught alike in that dusty squalid place.

could only become bearable

and took the people with a sense ing that

think that he had hoped

I

my

shirts,

window

as

I

mine and looked

ask?"

I

books and

met

my

much

straight at

me,

his eyes briefly

and

perfect

little suitcase.

the mountains grew steadily larger.

The

major's scalp glistened pink in the tropical heat.

Calm When

the genoa

on the

essary to stop off in

roller furler

Hawaii

for repairs

did not want to acknowledge reefed the mainsail improperly lose

was destroyed

this.

and

became nec-

and equipment. At

Then tore

our anchor overboard. For reasons

had disconnected

it

I

it

in subsequent

was not

we

weeks

and then managed

I

to

fully able to ex-

from the chain and lashed

to the

plain,

I

roller

with line instead. Line that had chafed through

it

first,

it

after

bow two

thousand miles of rolling and pitching. The anchor made a loud

KEVIN PATTERSON

plop

51

as it hit the water.

mouthed

like

Don and

looked

this, ever.

We

anchor aboard but there are no docks to boat needs a proper anchor.

nesia; a

A

in

North

it.

Sits

Pacific

—

North

sits

at in

We would go

French Poly-

to Hawaii. fifteen

High. So does any sailing vessel that finds

aluminum

High was holding well

set a direct

great speed

hundred

the center of a weather system called

in water like a brushed

Pacific

decided to

made

up

tie

sheet.

itself

The weather

on the short-wave transmission out of Honolulu

report

the

had another very small

thousand miles west of Guadalajara and

miles northeast of Hawaii the

one another open-

at

Abbott and Costello and agreed that we would not

any boat people about

tell

I

told us that

to the north of us

and we

course for the islands. For two days

and then the high moved south and

fell

on

we us

like a lid.

We awoke one morning to find the sails hanging limply on the mast and the boat motionless. We pulled down the sails to spare them the chafe and began

we could

that

These

staring at the horizon

see signs of a disturbance

moving

are called the horse latitudes, in

and imagining

in.

memory

of the desic-

cated and bellowing creatures the Spaniards forced overboard

water ran low. Navigators learned to hold well are

more

reliable.

instruction

Today,

sailors

east,

when

where the winds

who know what they are doing take

from the dead horses and follow the galleon

routes,

keeping the Mexican coast within smelling distance and only turning west

when

the trades are well established and the high far to

the north.

When light

is

silently all

the

like a

wind

stops completely out

magnesium

and the water vapor

around.

The

horses, for

The slow

flare.

their protest,

and bulges

swell sags

into a heated

rises all

on the open ocean the

humid shimmering

might not have been

entirely disappointed to hit the water.

Don and

I

motionlessness. At

two

at

know

only really got to first,

we took

most. After a week,

it

it

as a

each other then, in the matter of another day or

became hard not

were long pregnant pauses and

to struggle.

many melodramatic

There

gazes out to

THE WATER

52

We

the sea.

baked bread.

When we

Horses.

we

short-wave

IN

BETWEEN

Cormac McCarthy's All the Pretty Radio Canada International on the

read

I

could get

news of the hockey

listened to

strike

and agreed

we might as well be sitting out here. We' took turns spitting and we exchanged knock-knock jokes. Sailors who knew what that

they were doing would have packed plenty of board games.

stopped counting the days. Each morning

I

position

on the

chart, but as the

we

recorded our

calm grew more prolonged, we

An

stopped calculating the daily distance logged.

ocean takes a

long time to cross at one mile an hour, which was basically our

of

rate

drift.

week passed with no

After the second

other vessel or even aircraft, alternating deck watches

In the mornings

I

—

we abandoned our

the day began whenever

my

At nights the sky was

Whoever

up.

act.

so bright

word

uses the

been to sea in an unlit boat.

and marveling

we woke

stream remain alongside the boat

long after the completion of the

stars.

habit of keeping

stood on the stern and peed into the water and

watched the bubbles from

by the

sign of any

We

it

was nearly possible

to read

"void" to describe space hasn't

lay out there counting satellites

that such tiny metal spheres, a few yards across,

should be visible tens of thousands of miles away. This reassured us,

made

little

us feel like

boat;

we grew

starry backdrop.

we might be

adept at picking out

When

horizon like black

silk

it

of the blackness.

and

talked a great deal.

for

was

It

like to live,

overcast, the starless sky lay

on the tex-

Don

We made plans, revised on a nightly basis, after

you know,

we stopped

eventually.

sailing, for

We

much

where we

avoided discussing

the circumstances behind our presence out here

thought about that too

tiny

against the

was most lonely those nights and

what we would each do

would

movement

on our

on onyx, distinguishable only by the

tures I

similarly detectable

on the ocean.

already.

October 26, 1994

You know, you could go crazy on

this cloudless, windless,

motionless ocean. Sitting here reading copies

0/ Harper's and

We

KEVIN PATTERSON

53

The New Yorker for

the thousandth time. Reliving with bored

masochistic not even pain

words ofyour

—more

—

like displeasure

the last

a

last love affair. Unsatisfyingly familiar, like

used-up fantasy, grown dull with repetition.

And you pass

.

.

.

and scribbling and steering at one and a half knots; your

the time eating

though what steerage

companion and you

is

possible

having said all that could

scarcely speak,

be of interest to the other weeks ago. The night before, you spent

of each other s favorite Star Trek:

three hours describing the plots

The Next Generation

episodes.

The short-wave radio listened to the

news on

some

offers

respite,

and after youve

BBC Radio Australia, New Zealand,

Netherlands, Switzerland

and VOA, you

fact these are different entities at

all,

begin to wonder if in

or just the

same building

broadcasting the same news from somewhere on the planet, the

North Pole perhaps, for otherwise how could they sound so astonishingly familiar?

But that supposition

paranoid and one does want

The

.

.

.

striking feature of the state of being

sence of any real requirement to respond to frightening, but there are things

little

keep hold of ones mental reins

to

in circumstances such as these.

does sound a

becalmed it

actively.

makes you do, and

it

is

the ab-

A gale in

is

doing

them, you imagine that you exert some control over the situation.

The

sails are

doused and lashed down and then they can no longer

be blown out. Loose gear on deck

is

stowed, and the strategies of

heaving-to and lying ahull or playing out a warp can also be considered at

Mouse

sat

seemed

least as hypotheticals. (In gales to this point, the

Sea

so squat and stable in the troughs of the waves that

to us

impudent

to try

and bully her

it

into any position other

than that which she adopted on her own.) In a long calm, however, the only challenge before the sailor

is

to stop staring hopefully at

the horizon and to keep busy with the available tasks of whipping line

ends and checking the running and standing rigging. These

tasks are best

husbanded. In the meantime, you simply have to

THE WATER

54

wait for the calm to go away. Later alone on

Don

me

told

said,

BETWEEN

when he was

deck those nights he often thought about his wife and had

several times considered stepping off the stern.

he

that

IN

"But

I

couldn't just leave

When I didn't reply,

you out here on your own."

As we rocked and swayed and read and scratched, the water took on a quality of continuity and invitation;

it

was only the water

between us and room to walk, between us and cheeseburgers. Without interruption

it

stretched

When

it

in the

I

peed in

the

all

way

to ice cubes

morning those

washed up underneath Fisherman's Wharf, tually even those iced-over rocks

and company.

ripples stretched out

to Waikiki

and

and even-

on the shore of Hudson

Bay.

At

night the water glistened and looked as cool and supple as English beer.

On

the chart the blue was interrupted only by depth sound-

ings, five

thousand

feet

deep here, forty-two hundred

Viewed from the bottom, our flake.

From

little

feet there.

boat would look like a snow-

a mile below.

We stood on the deck naked and hugging ourselves, looking at the water. "It

was your

he

idea,"

said.

"I'm sure there are no sharks."

"What would they be "It's

eating

what

a pretty big ocean,

"You don't have any open "Sky looks pretty "I've given

all

the

way out

here?"

are the chances?"

cuts,

do you?"

settled."

up worrying about abrupt windstorms."

"Just don't thrash."

"Yeah, stay calm." Testicles retracted

The boat just go anywhere.

up

to

my kidneys,

stayed there.

We swam

gentle swell lifted the

I

leapt.

He

followed.

We swam a little way away.

further, in opposite directions.

little

boat up and eased

it

It

didn't

The slow

beneath the water.

KEVIN PATTERSON

Don

too.

When

I

55

thought

I

was maybe a hundred yards out,

stopped swimming. For long seconds entirely alone.

more

satisfying.

sight of the boat

direction

I

hammering

I

had the

A thousand miles from anyone. I

started to lose

and

I

my

head on her shivered.

hull.

breath.

swam as The next

panicked and

thought the boat was.

on the gunwale and

my

I

illusion

I

of being

It

should have been

I

imagined

I'd lost

fast as I

could in the

thing

knew

I

I

was

pulled myself aboard and sat

Chapter ^Three

Loneliness

and Time

We had become,

with the approach of night,

once more aware of loneliness those

—

and time

two companions without

whom

no journey

can yield us anything.

Lawrence durrell,

Thereon out

is

Bitter

Lemons

a long history of sadness propelling travelers

their wanders;

for malcontents

you could argue

that the road selects

and wobbly psyches and you

will find

nothing to refute that argument in the bus-terminal snack bars of

my

experience.

And why would you

content and socially evolved their

among

expect to?

us

who

It is

cast themselves

homes. Think about Paul Theroux s melancholy

Happy

Isles

of Oceania, through these same

anguished telephone collapsible

calls to his

not the most

travels in

Micro, Mela and Poly. Eluding only the

Pacific waters, placing

still

all

the "nesias." Mega,

waters of "Am."

about his wife, picking up the telephone and hearing that

even be around for his

own

The

estranging wife as he paddled his

kayak through the lagoons of

pause and hum, wondering

out of

why he was

calling at

all if

Think

satellite

he couldn't

divorce, for crying in the sink.

KEVIN PATTERSON

But

it

57

was probably no contest, the kayak or the divorce.

I

think Theroux was drawn to the easy sense of self-possession that

comes from having absolute and

He felt stronger and more self-sufficient going from

pace.

island with his kayak in his luggage than in the attic of his

As

as not having one.

never having

The

he would have

island to

felt sitting

house drinking or weeping or staring into space

while his wife packed below. As

same

and

daily control over destination

made

if

being away from

if

breaking a promise

is

home the

the

is

same

as

it.

idea of the road stands for the idea of how easy

it is

to live

without dyspeptic supervisors, uninterested bed companions and the

flat

noons.

gray light of fluorescent bulbs and shadowless winter after-

We

imagine today that our

wander the world more

lives are

more mobile,

readily than before, but in fact

can't verify his history,

To

the extent that

institutions, is

we

we

and bad debt

clings like flour.

allow ourselves to be constrained by our

but the escape clause in every social contract

are,

the option of flight. In the weeks before I'd

my

old friends and told

Only

pos-

No stranger is trusted

sible to extricate oneself than in earlier times.

who

we

that

it is less

them about

my

left I

had telephoned

plan to run away to

sea.

the happiest of them didn't claim to envy me.

My father has a cousin named Lawrence, a welder in his fifties, gray and unassuming

at

He was famous in our family on his way home from work.

family reunions.

folklore for abruptly disappearing

Usually he took his motorcycle up into the mountains someplace.

He would return.

stay for a

Each time

few days or a few weeks and then he would

his wife

was

less

surprised

and

less

upset and

inclined to forgive him. In the course of the ten years

her to give up on

him

entirely,

made much of an obvious remember each time

my

it

less

took for

she never once called the police or

effort to figure

father

out where he went.

I

mentioned that Lawrence had

disappeared again, he wore an uncharacteristic expression of con-

THE WATER

58

tempt. Here he was, after

he was sticking

it

all,

He

out.

just as

young, kids, wife,

need

didn't

to be

BETWEEN

IN

all

and

that,

reminded that

was

it

possible to quit.

In the

army

it

was only ever

teen-year-olds, mostly

thought that Manitoba was

at the prairie

hell

on

earth.

morning parade. They would be hating

time,

I

I

had

it

to

the eigh-

more than even

I

winter winds.

They

Most of them endured, not appear

RCMP

by the

arrested

some small town somewhere and returned cuffs,

—

deserted

who one day did

but each year there were three or four for

who

from Quebec and Newfoundland, who

and were astonished

arrived

recruits

did. Before they

began

examine them in order to declare them

in

hand-

to the base in

their jail

fit

for cells.

always asked the military policeman to leave us alone. As soon as

the

MP had left the room,

found the decisiveness

One boy

told

me

would ask the young man how he had

I

to just leave.

he had spent two months

just

—learning how to load the gun and what the

stuff

were that you could rounds weighed and

fire

through

it,

how far they would

how much fly,

doing

different

all

the

rounds

the different

running in the morn-

ing and preparing for the bed inspections afterward, drinking in the mess

on the weekends

until

he couldn't see

—and then one

night he couldn't sleep and he lay awake trying to figure out

anyone could

live like that.

So he got up, dressed quietly and

how

called

a cab.

After he was caught and brought back to the artillery base his bootlaces were taken away, as was the custom, in

baggy and unlikely looking green

cise in

overalls.

and he was dressed

The process

is

humiliation far more than in intimidation. After his

an exerjail

sen-

tence he was re-enrolled in the battle school. If quitting had been as

simple as walking away, every one of us would have.

The than

to.

preposition that

Escape

tude altogether.

is

fits

most

easily

with escape

It is

is

from rather

a rejection; a selection involves a different atti-

the difference between walking with your eyes

over your shoulder and looking straight ahead.

thing being fled

is

not

visible, the

urgency

The moment

fades.

the

KEVIN PATTERSON

The

my

and

59

dreary truth

is

that

most of the disenchanted

father's cousin, lost their

they got a clear view of

after

making

their

way back

yearning for open sky shortly

The gunners were

it.

east to the little

escape by enlisting in the

first

place;

found

usually

towns they had sought to

and Lawrence never made a

complete break of it until his wife made

it

The gunners upon completion

for him.

not turned themselves back in and,

as often as

artillerymen,

of battle school, often elected to remain in the army. This redoubled the determination of the

who

fled.

favor.

The

commanding officer to go

them

In the officers' mess he declared he was doing

a

Give them a chance to stick something out for a change.

pansies.

There were

soldiers

who

didn't return, however,

peared from the army and the

artillery for

not to wonder where they had gone.

sible

disappearance, the colonel

insurance, or attend school or collect

he had sorted out his

home would

this

affairs

I

who

found

it

colonel did,

soldier's

dumb

beast

would ask the

call

unemployment

benefits until

woman if

the

her?

was, the military forgot about

it

A

few months

soldier's

tenant or junior captain usually not

phase himself

mother

to work, or have health

she hadn't heard from her son and that

these unresolved cases quickly. I

impos-

with the army. If the soldier had gone

would he have him

Like the great

disap-

A week after a soldier's

almost always worked. But once in a while the

insist that

desertion

good.

would telephone the

and explain how he would not be able

lar

after those

troop

much

after a successful

—

commander

a lieu-

out of the spotted-face

—about the escapee and he would shrug

his

muscu-

shoulders and mutter that he was "glad to be done with the

fuck" and that his

home and imagine adise

would

sit at

and remote

par-

was Off to Ottawa. That night

file

the

man

in

some

—Ecuador, —walking along say

tropical

a road

I

and wondering about

the artillery base and what he could have been thinking

agreed to I

dor.

when he

that.

wondered what

How long could

my imagined man might have found in Ecuahe stay

there, for instance, before

he drifted

THE WATER

60

home; could he

find a sense of ease

own

our

aren't all fated to return to

In the convenience store

and belonging private

on the

base,

IN

BETWEEN

we

there? Surely

Newfoundlands?

among pornography of

every imaginable bent, there were sometimes sailing magazines.

Drawn

photo of South

to a cover

pale blue ink,

I

He

upon

his release his

trees

it

and water

man named

army during the war

Bernard

there

He bought an

only desire was to get away.

to Singapore. There,

like

raised in French Indo-

knowing nothing about the open

He made

peace.

had been born and

served in the French

fishing junk,

palm

picked one up and read of a

Moitessier. Moitessier

china.

Pacific

sea,

and

set

and old

out for

he learned more about

boats and set out again, this time for Mauritius, in the Indian

He had no chronometer on

Ocean.

GPS

era,

he had no way of knowing

board and

so, in that pre-

his longitude.

It is

possible

without a chronometer by calculating

to figure out one's latitude

the angle between Polaris and the horizon. Moitessier used the

old trick of the Spaniards, of running

known

he sailed due west on a fiable

landmark

—

the

down

the latitude. That

latitude until he

Chagos Archipelago

came

in the

He met the Diego Garcia reef in He describes how suddenly he became

to

is,

an identi-

middle of the

Indian Ocean.

the middle of the

night.

"just a

sobbing

as

he watched

poor jerk

Marie-Therese being torn

his beautiful

apart."

He

lived in Mauritius for three years, building Marie-Therese

and then

II,

in

South Africa

for another two.

and used "phone company wires"

as

He was

very poor

shrouds; he worked like a

"yoked water buffalo" to buy even those and, eventually, he made his

way

to the Caribbean,

second boat. I

where he again met a reef and

He shipped back to

France

found one of his books, Tamata and

in

Winnipeg on

"Paris

a

weekend

was a great

fied ads.

off

as a

deckhand on a

lost his

tanker.

the Alliance, in a bookstore

call:

desert: garrets, sandwiches, the France-Soir classi-

The money

I

had saved from the tanker job was melting

away, with no relief in sight.

I

was

like a

sewer

rat skittering

along

KEVIN PATTERSON

61

the sidewalks, tracked by danger in a heartless, completely alien

world.

where

But

would have given anything

I I

to find

could curl up and forget about

he kept

still

He worked as

faith.

and began writing about

nice

warm

a pharmaceutical salesman

home from Vietnam.

Vagabond des mers du sud sold well and soon he had a new boat, Joshua.

An

sediment

like

steel

understanding of the sea had accumulated in him

He moored Joshua in Marseilles and got her He persuaded a woman to come with him. They

settling.

ready to go again. sailed

hole

it all.

long sea voyage

his

some

through the Caribbean to the Galapagos, the Marquesas and

then Tahiti. After three years there, he and his now-wife Francoise sailed

back to France, but instead of going by the usual trade-wind equathey went south and then

torial route,

and reaching Alicante, was a world record,

in Spain, in

one

east,

rounding Cape Horn

shot, in four

months. This

for the longest non-stop small sailing boat

passage.

The kind of exuberant

delight that

fills

Moitessier's passages

describing the sea are nowhere to be found in his descriptions of his

time ashore. Deprived perhaps of an opportunity to hold forth

flamboyantly to nearby seabirds, soon after his

arrival in Paris after

four-month passage home he sank into a deep depression:

that

Wrapped

in total silence,

sank into the abyss. ...

some hideous

come

to

beast.

I

I

sucked felt

down by

his

huge inner emptiness,

madness burrowing into

found myself wondering what

someone who has swallowed

watching

a

my guts last

I

like

thoughts

a lethal dose of poison

and

being becoming lighter and dissolving, just before

is

tip-

ping into the void.

I

raised

my glass

to that, there in

my little

house on the army

base. Moitessier chose the inevitable answer: a return to sea.

time, a grander trip even than the decision, the man's volatility

last.

Reading

becomes evident:

his

This

account of his

THE WATER

62

Drunk with

joy, full

my heart

Together,

of

life,

I

was

flying

and hands held the only

among

sail

it

around the horn by the three

(You wouldn't want him

roommate,

as a

BETWEEN

the stars now.

solution,

luminous, so obvious, so enormous, too, that dent: a nonstop

IN

and

was so

it

became transcencapes!

think.)

I

So, in 1968 he set off to carry out his "only solution."

same time, the Sunday Times was organizing a

solo race featuring

exactly this route, offering a prize of five thousand

was tempted by

fastest passage. Moitessier

doubt the attendant

book

sales.

He

June of that Six

publicity,

and what

that

At the

this

pounds

for the

money, and no

would mean

for his

entered the race, and departed from Plymouth in

year.

months

later,

he had rounded

all

the great capes

and was

back in the Atlantic and headed north for England when he ized that he

To

had

lost

any desire to win or even

now would amount

return

accepting the old rules of a betray myself.

The

albatrosses that see

top, brushing the troughs

were

telling

had been

He in the

me

this in the

sailing

my soul

realized that

South

Good Hope

and the

all

would be

to

things alike, gliding at wave-

crests to

show me

song of the great luminous

the

way

silence

...

all

where

I

for so long.

He

and rounded the Cape of

altered course

second time.

He

laid in a route for Tahiti.

Cape Town, Moitessier pulled alongside and with

to tacitly

he had already found what he was looking for

Pacific.

for the

others. It

all,

sun, the sea, the wind, the Southern Cross so high

and the

in the sky,

finish the race:

to never having left at

game imposed by

real-

his slingshot

Off

a tanker sitting at anchor,

he catapulted a film canister onto

its

deck.

In the canister was a message he asked to be relayed to the race organizers in

London.

It

read, "I

the Pacific islands because save

my soul."

I

am

continuing nonstop toward

am happy

at sea,

and perhaps

also to

KEVIN PATTERSON

He ended up

63

going one and a half times around the planet,

and without stopping,

in his forty-foot sailboat.

Ten months he

spent alone on that boat. After Moitessier quit, the prize

went

and eccentric

to the jingoistic

Robin Knox-Johnston, who had entered the

race because

he couldn't

bear the thought of anyone other than an Englishman being the

man

But

to solo circumnavigate the globe non-stop.

first

Moitessier, in

won a place in the imagination of the world that KnoxJohnston may only envy. The combined effect of Moitessier s feat, his quitting,

rejection

of the prize

me and millions The violent to the sea,

money and his chosen failure struck a chord with

of others. This

from The Long Way:

is

me vanished in the night.

things rumbling within

and

it

answers that

to believe in miracles too

escaped a great danger.

I

much.

.

.

.

I

I

look

do not want

Yet there are miracles in

life.

If

the weather had stayed bad for a few days longer, with easterly winds, I

would be

far to the

sincerely believing

it

north by now;

was

my destiny,

trades like an easy current with

was true thread.

who

.

.

.

I

letting

myself be carried by the

no whirlpools or

and being wrong. The

essential

So maybe we should not judge those

don't.

For the same reason

nearly gave up. Yet

us.

would have continued north,

I

I

am

.

.

.

snares, believing

sometimes hangs by a

who

give

up and those

the thread of the miracle.

the same, before as

it

I

after.

God created the sea and He painted it blue to make it nice for And here I am, at peace, the bow pointed toward the East, when

could be heading north with an unsuspected drama deep inside.

The whole world

loves a maverick

and the whole world wants

the maverick to achieve something nobler than simple rebellion.

This was what entranced

me

about Bernard Moitessier's

found redemption out on the road a feat,

it

was a transformation.

as well as

an

exit. It

story.

He

wasn't just

THE WATER

64

The

of the

travel writing

last thirty years

has

come

IN

to

BETWEEN

fill

a place

in the popular imagination of an era desperate for ritual cleansing.

Tim

Cahill

and Redmond O'Hanlon

their accounts

of extreme

travel.

thousands of copies of

sell

O'Hanlon

floats his log raft

a river in Borneo shrieking at the mosquitos; Cahill

Congo and

plagued in the belly-scratchers

sit

things compel us

appeal

is

in our

—one

is

all

around

threat

is

is

down

malaria-

We

and menace.

La-Z-Boys and read on, eagerly

the idea of danger but the

Two

more moving

the reverberation of this old idea of pilgrimage. Insight

through journeying. Transformation through suffering. There reason a priest as

would never

and

a

prescribe the suffering of the suburbs

penance: alienation and loneliness, boredom,

riages

is

fear,

bad mar-

hostile mall kids are not sufficient to scrub us clean. For

redemption, what

is

needed are heat and cold, squalor, vermin and

hunger. Off they go, these travelers, into the heart of trouble, and

they take us with them, yearning for the film of ennui to be peeled away, preferably by the claws of a jungle

One

night on the artillery base

a dusty shelf in the officers' mess.

Marsh and Mountain,

in

I

It

cat.

picked up a book that

was Wilfred Thesiger's

which he writes about the

on

sat

Desert,

crossings he

made of the Empty Quarter in the late forties and early fifties, travels among the Marsh Arabs of the Euphrates delta and journeys through Afghanistan. Thesiger the last of the great Arabists,

long gone.

He

St.

John

has spent his entire

life

is

now in

his his

his late eighties,

Philby, T. E. Lawrence,

all

walking through that part

of the world, and argues for the superiority of such an existence.

He

holds that the sedentary

than the

nomad and

live less rich lives, are lesser people,

the traveler.

I

read his argument and found

it

uncomfortably persuasive:

For untold centuries the Bedu lived in the desert; they lived there

from choice. The great nomad

tribes

of the north could have

dis-

possessed at any time the cultivators of Syria or Iraq; bin Kabina or

bin Ghabaisha could have settled in the valley of the Hadhramaut. All of them

would have scorned

this easier life

of lesser men. Valuing

KEVIN PATTERSON

freedom above of their the

65

they took a fierce pride in the very hardship

all else,

forcing unwilling recognition of their superiority

lives,

townsmen and villagers who

them. Even today there

is

feared, hated

no Arab, however

and

on

affected to despise

sophisticated,

who would

not proudly claim Bedu lineage.

I

fled

my

olive-drab tedium through the pages

and pages of

walking across deserts and through jungles and smoky bazaars. spent most of quitos I

and

my

last

year

that base slapping imaginary

mos-

listening to the distant wail of the muezzin.

A

read Eric Newby's

details

on

I

Short Walk in the

Hindu Kush, which

an unsuccessful attempt to climb a twenty-thousand-foot

mountain by the author and a friend of his, neither of whom were experienced climbers, but

humor

to spare.

I

who had

audacity, determination

and

was delighted by Newby's account of a chance

meeting with Thesiger high in those mountains.

[Thesiger

is]

a remarkable throwback to the Victorian era, a fluent

speaker of Arabic, a very brave man,

who has

twice crossed the

Quarter and, apart from a few weeks every year, has passed life

among

primitive peoples. ...

man, with an outcrop years old

and hard

for a nose

as nails, in

A

and

a

and bushy eyebrows,

This

is

some

of a

forty-five

an old tweed jacket of the sort worn trousers, rope-soled Persian

woolen cap comforter.

"Turn round," he to kill

his entire

great, long-striding crag

by Eton boys, a pair of thin grey cotton slippers

Empty

said, "you'll stay the

night with us. We're going

chickens."

Thesiger's version of the

same meeting,

in Desert,

Marsh

and Mountain:

I

travelled

at sixteen

up the Panjshir thousand

six

valley towards the

hundred

Chamar

feet into Nuristan.

pass leading

One

evening

I

encountered two exhausted Englishmen: desiccated, wind-chapped, lame, with bandaged hands, they looked in thoroughly bad shape.

THE WATER

66

Eric

Newby and Hugh

Carless were returning

IN

from

BETWEEN

their valiant

attempt to climb with inadequate equipment the twenty-thousandfoot

Mir Samir,

together and

ing in

A

that

Newby

loomed

at the

head of the

valley.

We

camped

included an amusing description of our meet-

Short Walk in the

Hindu

Kush.

The Great Works of Travel Literature became for me instructional texts. The questions about endurance, loneliness, self-reliance and alienation

by Newby, Durrell, Thesiger and Robert

raised

among others, seemed to me to be more explicitly addressed than by any number of pep talks from my friends in bars on Sunday nights. The capacity to endure that windswept and desolate Byron,

seemed

artillery base

trivial

next to Apsley Cherry- Garrard's for-

bearance across turn-of-the-century Antarctica in The Worst Journey in the World.

The

thing that will strike you

first

bays though feet.

The

still

is

that the sea,

second, that though the sea stretches back for nearly

For a ship

soon

will

frozen in the

unfrozen in the open sound, flows in nearly to your

twenty miles, yet the horizon shows land or

as

now

this

as

is

ice in

every direction.

a cul-de-sac, as Ross found seventy years ago. But

you have grasped these two

be riveted to the amazing sight on your

ern slopes of Erebus; but

how

different

lately seen.

Northwards they

fell

stately cliff

which edged the

sea.

in

your whole attention

facts

left.

Here

are the south-

from those which you have

broad calm

But here

—

all

lines to a beautiful

the epithets

and

all

the adjectives which denote chaotic immensity could not adequately tell

of them. Visualize a torrent ten miles long and twenty miles

broad; imagine itself in

frozen

it

falling over

giant waves; imagine

and white. Countless

still

cold air

it

arrested in the twinkling of an eye,

blizzards have swept their drifts over

it.

the sharp reports as the cold contracts or

Nature

is

tearing

it,

And it continues to move. As you stand you may sometimes hear the silence broken by

but have failed to hide in the

mountainous rocks and tumbling over

up

that ice as

human

its

own weight

beings tear paper.

splits

it.

KEVIN PATTERSON

I

could endure

67

my little army house on the winter prairie a few

months more.

At

point

this

my ambition

extended only

endurance.

as far as

I

had

no immediate prospect of getting on the road myself and wanted only to of

my

know

that the cold

present

life just

and the snow and the

wasn't as bad as

I

featurelessness

thought. Following the

promise of Colder and Bleaker even than Manitoba,

on

after

continued

I

The Worst Journey in the World to Bruce Chatwin's In

Patagonia. Here, the ideas of coldness

book

the subjects of the

they reside

in.

as

much

and expansive emptiness

South American setting

as the

In Patagonia introduced

are

me to

Chatwin's ideas about

the nobility and the redemptive power of open spaces and of move-

Then I read his Songlines and I was done for. The songlines, or dreaming tracks, of the aboriginal Australians

ment.

serve as a springboard for

contention that

when

humans

Chatwin are

to launch into his real topic, his

most themselves and most

they are walking steadily. Cities enervate and bore

at

peace

us.

Hier-

archies are the invention of builders rather than wanderers, as are

materialism and greed. Covetousness

enough

already has

game when one

a losing

to carry.

Natural Selection has designed us cells to

is

—from —

the structure of our big toe

the structure of our brain-

for a career

of seasonal jour-

neys on foot through a blistering land of thorn-scrub or desert. If this

were

so; if the desert

were "home";

if

our instincts were

forged in the desert; to survive the rigours of the desert easier to

understand

sions exhaust us.

.

.

why

greener pastures pall on us;

—then

why

it is

posses-

.

Traveling light as a prescription for modern-day malaise: the idea itself was not new,

and almost anyone

else

and had already been espoused by Thesiger

who

has been

moved

to

tell

a story about

THE WATER

68

a

trip.

IN

BETWEEN

Thesiger saw clearly the beauty of the Bedu, Moitessier loved

the sea and his boat, and both were changed by their experiences,

which each assumed

moved tial

nomadism and

nature, he argued, lay in motion, in

The

further a people

the

it is,

less it

are diagnosed

of us

But Chatwin

to be particular to themselves.

quickly from the specific to the general. Humanity's essen-

live

moves away from

One

becomes.

transience.

that original fact, the worse

quarter of adults in Western

cities

with major depressions in their lifetimes and a third

alone

—does

anyone doubt that things

are seriously

amiss?

Chatwin's favorite landscapes were the bleakest, because, for

him, the

less

was to

there

distract

one foot in front of the other the

one from the process of putting

The most important

better.

was the tranquilizing repetition of this

act,

and the

ability to

thing

con-

template plainly one's independence from houses, from home. In this,

Chatwin argued, we return

to the essence of ourselves,

understand our world and our place in a city-dweller.

The

difference between

it

in a

way

and can

forever denied

Chatwin and

Moitessier,

Thesiger and the others was that Chatwin saw transformation lying within the act of motion

itself,

power and

traveler.

tion

force-of-will

of the

and transcendence seemed

could go for a long walk,"

I

as

not exclusively in the physical

Reading Chatwin, redemp-

for the first

time achievable.

"I

thought to myself, "and the next day

keep walking."

Looking back, inevitable that

I

I

think that after reading Chatwin

would

pitable environment.

set

And

is

In the bright sun

fed

But a desire

for withdrawal into desolate

we

writer's evocative

by something other than optimism.

and the

in the cockpit, sleeping

read and

became

out for a blank horizon and an inhos-

topography comes from some place other than a suggestion.

it

heat,

we

spent days at a stretch supine

under our hats

as

our

listened to birds of every size

bellies

browned.

We

and shape crying and

KEVIN PATTERSON

69

dipping and soaring. Even two thousand miles from shore, there

were tiny

little

sparrow-like things that flitted along the surface of

the ocean and grabbed whatever

it

was that they

ate out

of the

wave- tops.

A

booby bird perched

became aware of matic

splatter

for three days

his presence

when

on the mizzen-mast.

I

a three-inch white and aro-

appeared abruptly in the pages of A Passage

to India.

Right in the Malabar Caves. That bird spent most of the time he

was our guest shitting in the cockpit. out of the

field

wind swept

The

bird

of

except

fire

his projectiles to

had been

when

one

flying since

Don and

I

leapt to the sides,

the boat rolled oddly or the

side.

We began shouting at him.

Mexico and

I felt

ungenerous to be

troubling him, but the third or fourth splat of what had once been

anchovies wore out

my benevolence.

had been

vanilla milkshake

throwing potato peels

at

remained, the foredeck the bird

must be

thought that could

rest, I

if I

would

now

like a gallon jar

of

we took

to

the cockpit. Finally

to the bow.

streaked with white ooze.

remain so long

this far

rest a

looked

him and he moved

sick, to

was

spilt in

It

There he I

thought

but then

I

from land and saw a place where

I

long time.

at perch,

Chapter Tour

Manitoba

Paris,

remember lying

I

up

in the cockpit nearly

at the night sky. Left

around our

unoccupied,

naked and staring

my thoughts circled often

loneliness. It didn't matter that

it

would have been

impossible for either of us to have remained with the

memory

were missing (and progressively distorting in our they existed only out there at

on

alighted

women we

sea, at night: souls so fine

their outstretched hands).

What

until

songbirds

did matter was that

these were failures.

On a small unlit boat at sea at night, to

gnaw

at those

memories

our minds turned inward

until the appreciation

and the ache involved was more acute than

we

left.

A pair more evolved than

the opportunity but self-absorption.

it

ever

of the beauty

had been before

us might have been grateful for

Don and I became caricatures

of disconsolate

We staggered around the Sea Mouse from

berth to

KEVIN PATTERSON

71

cockpit seat sighing grandly and staring off into the middle dis-

We rarely spoke explicitly of one another's recent history, but it was at all times clear what we were thinking about. We each lost tance.

weight and grew preposterous-looking beards. In an attempt to rein in

woman I was

other than the

my

self-pity, to

missing,

I

think about anyone

thought about Catherine,

how disappointed she had been in me. I thought she had much harder road in front of her than I had. "Catherine," I

about a

thought, "Catherine has

it

worse: lonely, hiding from her husband,

abandoned by the people she thought were her

friends."

She wanted something pretty in her hand to take away the

memory of the room and

and

the messy affairs

.

.

the Arabs

paying for

something past

.

.

the dreary cafes

She paid for the

.

noticed as she did so that the flowers,

and

them —had

little

violets

and

—

scene

accepting the

the gentle nostalgic air

of

She would forget the rain and her

.

unshared confusion and loneliness, and remember instead the Paris the

true

it

street

lamps with their

funny concert hall where

tinsel icicles,

the ceiling collapsed,

and

would be, at last, a coherent picture, accurate but un-

there

she

offilms, the

.

.

.

and, after a while, mercifully removed in time,

would remember

as it

it

and describe

it

and finally

believe

had never been at all.

mavis gallant, The Other Paris

The summer other week.

home

I'd arrived

One

ironing

my

on the

artillery base I'd

to work.

call

every

I'd

been

slow afternoon early in the summer,

uniform

shirt

when my beeper went

telephone had not been hooked up yet and so

and drove

been on

The

hospital,

I

put on

which had attended

to

off.

my

little

My shirt

more

than broken knuckles and sexually transmitted diseases for twenty years,

was twitching with

homes and

trailers clustered

collective panic.

around the camp

Among gates

the mobile

—home

to ex-

THE WATER

72

and

soldiers

liked

gun

civilian

and eccentric

to

show

The

his

military

minutes

later.

IN

BETWEEN

support staff who worked on the base

retired

army cook had decided

—

a dis-

to use his goose

neighbor a thing or two.

ambulance arrived

The

twenty

at the scene fifteen or

neighbor's leg was shot through.

The medic,

who had spent twenty years in a peacetime army taking penile swabs from

initially boisterous

and subsequently embarrassed young men,

He covered a bandage and sent the wounded man into

had never seen anything with est

town.

like this.

The ambulance was

the spurting knee

Brandon, the

pulling out just as

I

dle of blood extended to the walls of the ambulance.

He was

His daughter was lying where she had

looked

I

The

neigh-

fifty-four.

hole between her breasts.

grandmother.

When

arrived.

Brandon removed the bandage, the pud-

the emergency nurses in

bor was dead.

clos-

Her at

little

them

fallen

with a

fist-sized

boy was being restrained by his

as

kneeled beside the young

I

woman. Tendrils of gray lung poked through the hole in her shirt. The boy yelled when I felt her groin for a pulse. We started chest compressions. I started an IV and put a tube down her throat to pump oxygen in and out of her lungs. Red froth came up the clear plastic tube.

We

loaded her into a second ambulance and radioed

ahead to Brandon for a thoracic surgeon.

when we

arrived.

He

right atrium's gone,"

stuck his

hand

in

He

saw the child

he said to me, shrugging. They were

seemed fussy and

in

town

clingy; his

for us

through the hole. "The

the process of abandoning resuscitative efforts I

was waiting

on her

just in

father.

a couple of times later; he always

grandmother seemed not

to notice

either of us.

When my beeper had

gone

off,

while the medic had been try-

ing to cope with that spurting artery,

remember being pleased the sleeves,

my car on

I

was

was ironing

finally getting the

army guys were always going on about

and drove

at the

that

I

camp

to the hospital. I'd

gates. It

my

shirt.

I

hang of doing

sleeves.

I

got in

had no idea what was going

wouldn't have

made any

difference for the

KEVIN PATTERSON

73

daughter, of course. But what her father had needed was an

and I

a tight bandage.

bought

suits

I

form hung on

That

first

took

me

I

was twenty-five years old that

my mother with me.

like

it

I

year.

When

My uni-

was a captain.

was made of stretched

IV

Plasticine.

when

winter in Shilo after the shootings was

I

began to

The Hemingway in the officers' mess library led memoirs of Kay Boyle and Morley Callaghan. In those

yearn to see Paris.

me

to the

much

accounts of that city in the twenties there was exuberance not in evidence

on

my artillery base. My day's work typically involved

a half-dozen sprained ankles binations. I

I

and penile

at

my

woman's shattered chest and her appeared often before me.

desk.

father, the color

just

I

The image of

occupied with reading expatriate descriptions of

pleasure ness.

To

is

its

pleasures. Paris

a pleasure

is

itself a

and suffering

expatriate Americans,

to

its

young

of frozen bacon

I

it.

became

Paris.

inevitably described as a sanctuary, tolerant of libertines its

the

kept thinking about

Searching for something kinder to think about,

ticated in

com-

usually finished by nine in the morning. Afterwards

dozed and daydreamed

fat,

discharges, in varying

The

pre-

city

is

and sophis-

bon vivant, believing that

no worthwhile end

English,

its Irish,

is

Paris

madis

the

opposite of the dour and pious winter-cities that prod writer after writer to discover It is

exist,

unashamed beauty

a lovely idea.

And

the creation of Paris

in the City of Light.

to the extent that places in literature is

maybe one of the

of Anglo-Saxon literature and culture.

I

finest

found

it

achievements best to avoid

named city in French literature, de Maupassant's The Necklace. Or Flaubert. Better by far to descriptions of the similarly

with the memoirists of the twenties and their

hazy and soft-focused

tales

until unconsciousness supervenes. at the witticisms

thirties,

as in

stick

writing in English

of drinking and laughing I

do

shrilly

imagined myself smiling archly

of my Argentine friend Julio

as

he regaled a crowd

THE WATER

74

IN

BETWEEN

men and women, all of us in rumpled of worldly sophistication. Un autre vin chaud ill

of similarly clever young cotton and

airs

y

vous p laity Michel? Oh, paspire, toi?

As

I

sat in

my

images of a dead

Ha

ha ha!

examination room that winter,

woman on

grew increasingly vivid and

parched brown

grass,

still

haunted by

my dream world

detailed: Pare St. -Cloud

and Beaubourg

and the Marais and the Bois de Boulogne. one coffee shop

Sitting in the I

in the

one

strip

mall on the base

read magazines, drank thin coffee and listened to the cacophony

of the video arcade and the wives

—overweight and —saw sympathy

soldiers' children

and wives. The poor

bored, every limb weighed

other child

in

my

eyes.

On

calls.

Wednesdays

at the

also learned to stop

I

gymnasium

there was

movie night and before introducing the next action hero the

"God

ater played

along, the

men

Save the Queen."

in crewcuts

an-

learned this in a succes-

I

sion of increasingly distressing encounters.

doing house

down by

The audience

the-

stood and sang

and golf shirts, standing

straight

and

muscular and holding their arms tightly against their track pants.

The women stood slacks. It

man

seemed

arms tight against

similarly erect, their

entirely conceivable that after

their

twenty years here, a

could snap.

All romanticism aside, Paris

is

My second summer in Shilo

I

at least

not

that.

was granted a month-long leave.

The regiment was scheduled to be posted to Cyprus the following summer and officers had been encouraged to take their annual leave prior to the preparations for the

ranean. "As

good an excuse

as any,"

I

deployment to the Mediterthought, "to get out of this

fly-blown and thudding expanse." I

flew to Paris.

I

took a room

Rivoli near pont St. -Michel for a

So pleased with myself was cheaply in that stench in the

city, I

toilet. I

I

at

at the

francs a night.

I

stains

on the

floor

have ever been so

I

was paying

for

and the

much from

was that night, taking delight

mostly because of the price

on rue de

having proved that you could stay

don't think I

Palais

hundred and ten

was blind to the

the Canadian prairie as

Hotel du

my room.

from

Paris

— KEVIN PATTERSON

75

was August and so hot and damp that the

It

street

garbage

my room gave down onto my bed. The

smelled like rotted meat and the wallpaper glue in out, sending curls of sticky paper rolling

heat elicited an odor from the mattress and sheets that spoke elo-

quently of their history.

There were windows giving out onto the Seine and a skylight

by the grace of all that was

that,

holy, opened.

raised

I

it

and peered

around: a dozen Scandinavians had pulled their sheets up to the

moon and

roof to sweat the night away underneath a gray Parisian a breeze smelling of

from

we

the fleuve;

listened to their business

all

pery-as-soap skin and head-on-bedframe

and only

in

Manitoba do seemed

citizens

presence of me and

but there were

the cafes

I

Germany

all

as lonely as

I

was that

me

me

aloof and faintly offended at the

the other tastelessly dressed tourists in their

less critical

New

Czechs and Croatians and Poles in

until the year

like a

I

He had been before. He was

Orleans.

time in the army and

seized

to

stumbled on, and Americans.

Rene, from

his

slip-

night in Paris.

The city,

—

thumping enthusiasm

remember being

I

The

night long.

couple next door were inspired by the Gallic exhortations

first

street

along quai de St.-Michel, the prostitutes wandered up and

us,

down

raw cheese and motorcycles. Across the

when he

comrade.

I

—

it

in the

named American army in

blues singer

intensely nostalgic about

learned of my circumstances he

couldn't for the

affection for his time in olive drab, but

awfulness of

met a

life

when

of I

me

fathom

his

pointed out the

—he

the food, the stupidness, the homogeneity

savored every detail and smiled. There's nothing you can do with a

guy

like that.

We

were eating

at a cafe called

Le Mazet, on rue St.-Andre-

des-Arts, near the river off boulevard St.-Michel,

approached our musicians.

"This

Rene is

table.

said

She was looking

a

woman

one of Rene's fellow

he hadn't seen him. Her name was Catherine.

my friend

Kevin."

"Pleased to meet you."

"And you."

for

when

THE WATER

76

She

sat.

from Canada?"

"You're "Yes,

Manitoba,

a few weeks

.

.

.

of the middle of it

that's sort

no, then

Her rapid and

home

.

.

yes,

.

Lemons

had bought

I

my

last

at a

night in Paris. I

the famous Shakespeare

less first

enties

just here for

like Paris a lot."

I

thumbed

the copy of Bitter It

was

listened to their conversation for

I

my drinks

and went home.

purchased Bitter Lemons was

I'd

and Company, on quai aux

had wandered into

Fleurs,

on the

my sleep-

that part of the city after

and flipping through yellowing copies of beatnik

named George Whitman

and even he

ran the store.

didn't understand

to the dusty stacks

—

He had opened

was

it

like a

He was

the late twenties

on

how the filing system applied

hedge maze with

the bookstore in the

fifties,

vertigo.

modeling

in

place de l'Odeon. Beach's shop was an insti-

and was

lisher

of Joyce's

Stein

and many of the other

Ulysses

of the time.

sages to her in

after

it

Monier

tution in the expatriate writing community. She was the

literature

poetry.

in his sev-

the original run by Sylvia Beach and her lover Adrienne

friends with Eliot,

first

pub-

Pound, Gertrude

writers

who would later dominate the

Hemingway

devotes long affectionate pas-

A Moveable Feast.

When Whitman opened his bookstore, for

me com-

night and found myself trading smiles with American col-

lege kids

A man

I

paid for

The bookstore from which I

.

used bookstore that afternoon.

another hour or so and then

Left Bank.

.

.

evidently unflattering assessment of

pleted, she turned to talk with Rene.

almost

BETWEEN

IN

more than twenty

years.

Whitman,

a

Beach's

had been closed

young man

then,

wan-

dered into Paris with this idea: he would resurrect Shakespeare and

Company, but

this

time on the quai near the tourist hotels, rather

than place de l'Odeon. pictures of Pound inal store;

Paris

and

it

the walls he

would hang up some

and Hemingway and Joyce standing

would be

of Anglo-Saxon if

And on

as if the

in the orig-

old bookstore had never closed.

literature

would have

The

a physical incarnation,

the Idahoan dentists and Californian school teachers pre-

ferred, they

could imagine that the city of literature was right there,

KEVIN PATTERSON

77

had never been absent. La Coupole and the

open

again,

and

filled

cafe

with awkward young

La Rotonde were

men and women

scratching in their journals.

Above the main bookstore

is

a large

and darkened room

Memorial Library and

the Sylvia Beach

was possible to

it

and mostly unsalable tomes.

there for hours reading unsold

called

dows looked out over the muddy waters of the

Seine,

sit

up

win-

Its

whose plod-

ding barges bellowed beneath the bright light and sculpted stone. It

was so

like

beautiful.

The room was

nearly always

empty and

it felt

New

could stay there forever. Below, someone hollered in

I

York indignation:

"What do you mean you I

don't take Visa?"

sunk deeper into the overstuffed and wheezing armchair and

the account of traditional sub-Saharan metallurgy

Nobody seemed

to

know I was

cerned, that month,

When

I

I

there.

As

far as the

I

was reading.

army was con-

didn't exist.

had mentioned the bookstore

pressed skepticism about the place and

thought she was being snobby but

Rotonde and Le Dome,

it

became

to Catherine she

authenticity.

its

after

my

At

ex-

first I

pilgrimages to La

me

clear to

had

was a

that there

point in recognizing the places in the city that had been manufactured for tourists. Those places tious

menus gave them away,

gawking

at the walls in

to stagger in at

felt false.

as

Their overpriced and cau-

did the roomful of naifs like me,

wonder and expecting

any moment with Zelda on

his

F.

Scott Fitzgerald

arm.

But the Sylvia Beach Memorial Library was comfortable and pleasant

and what did

much

do with the

to

a soldier

it

matter that

original?

The

from Manitoba. Here's

there, slowly turning pages

it

didn't really have

all

authentic truth was that

to the false,

and breathing

in

I

thought, as

book mold.

I

I

that

was

sat

up

THE WATER

78

The Royal Canadian Horse years yet

its

Army

ners.

officers

still

IN

BETWEEN

Artillery hasn't used horses in sixty

wear spurs on

their boots at formal din-

officers believe that their existence

justified

is

by the

deeds of their forebears and they cling to that past with self-interIn their scarlet uniforms with polished riding

ested tenacity.

boots at

—watch

remember the

the furniture now,

one another approvingly and imagine

The

vicarious glamour.

—they look

their lives tinged

don

next day they

spurs

with a

and

their olive drab

climb into their self-propelled howitzers and roar away in a black

and sour cloud of diesel smoke. Locked

inside their turrets, they

study maps by the green glowing light and record firing instruc-

They load their guns and blow chunks of sod high into the air. They imagine they are preparing for the assault at Amiens, or Ypres, or on the Falais Gap. They make up scenartions

from the

radio.

ios that are read to the entire

regiment before these

exercises:

how

they are defending themselves against the uncapitalized red army

(we are blue,

of us)

all

or

—

the

in

spirit

of glasnost

Phantasians. Three motor-rifle divisions are headed our

only

we can

Every

save

is

borrowed from

eras that are either a

They

and

Every peacetime army

for the sake is

on

Rene.

I

my

hadn't expected her to even

tened to the message standing in

Then

I

sat

I

pressed one

number

men

is

themselves for

lives to

came home

down

at

after

woman

remember

I

to find a

mes-

had met with

my

name.

I

lis-

my study, still wearing my commy desk with the front pages of

the telephone book, trying to figure out I

of these

like this.

answering machine from the

bat uniform.

lives

of having a sense of purpose.

A week after my return from Paris sage

way and

hundred years past or have

own

misrepresent their

the sake of vanity

the

Good.

of color and grandeur in the

bit

never been.

that

all

—

how to phone

another and soon

I

Paris. Paris.

heard a distant and

unfamiliar ring.

Her

voice

on the telephone had

snow-swept gulag, soon had

me

a slow sensuality that, in

entranced. She told

me

my

she was

KEVIN PATTERSON

79

married to an American lawyer, had studied year-old son, and

at

Harvard, had a

had won a fellowship of some

six-

work on

sort to

a

Lorca translation project. That's what had brought her to Paris in the

first

place.

Our calls soon became a regular ritual and it wasn't long before the details of our lives were sketched out for each other.

band

lived in Paris, too, but not with her.

son attended the

little

an undergraduate,

felt like

street,

she

intended to

stories that she

mailing off any day now. She said she still

each day, while her

public school at the end of her

walked through the parks and wrote start

And

Her hus-

she was

had no idea what she would do

that

still

was

important. Apart from her child, she meant. She ate at cafes every

day and she wrote

many

letters.

That

winter,

most of the

letters

were to me.

The

were amazing things: four or ten or twenty pages

letters

and then

long, they arrived weekly

daily

and then

at

times even

them and about Catherine

three or four a day. Every detail about

delighted me; the envelopes were thick vanilla-colored cotton and

her script was flowing and smooth, written in fountain pen, in

brown or green

She told

ink.

finger of her right hand,

sent

me

me

of the

where the pen

little

sat,

bump on

and

I

me by

a

raise his

at the regimental

eyebrows

batch of letters from

me

to say

That's

I

She

sir.

I'd

nod

my

piles

my

out-

of mail

sergeant

my desk. Another

head and he'd wait for

never did.

the winter progressed I

—my telephone

was almost always

late for

bills bal-

work, usu-

stuporous from the hours-long conversation in the middle of

the previous night.

was

medical section,

he dropped them on

Paris,

something but

how

as

looned and in the mornings ally

it.

whom?) She

margin of ten to one and when these

would reach me

would

imagined

dead leaves from the Luxembourg gardens. Drawings by

her child. Photos of her and her child. (Taken by

wrote

the middle

filled.

And

The box

in

which

I

saved Catherine's

letters

then another.

Later in the winter she told

me that originally she had doubted

THE WATER

80

my account of myself,

and wondered

if I

BETWEEN

IN

wasn't in fact a patient at

a psychiatric hospital with an elaborate fantasy

Rural Mani-

life.

toban doctor indeed.

How

There

asked.

as

no shortage of traveling

is

why couldn't

anyway,

slow

did she account for the fact that

she

call

me

in Paris?

lunatics, she replied.

work,

at

we had met

if

I

And,

my work days were as

said?

I

"That brings up something

been meaning to talk about."

I've

"What?" "Well, "Yes

practice medicine here in the country like

I

I

said ..."

." .

.

"But the thing

didn't

I

you was

tell

that I'm in the army."

Crackling transatlantic transmission noise.

"Why haven't you mentioned "Because

I

wish

this before

now?"

weren't true."

it

"Yes."

Then

I

told her about the regiment

and the base and the

board shacks.

And I

forget them.

She listened without saying much.

I

telling her?

clear if

I

see

Nothing,

I

said.

When

would hear from her

A week Another

told her about the shootings

and how I couldn't

What

hung up

it

else wasn't

was not

at all

again.

passed and then a

arrived.

she

clap-

letter,

halting and brief.

Anything can be overlooked,

I

replied.

especially if you can't

it.

But the matter could be sustained through

phone

calls for

letters

and

tele-

only a limited time; by February there was weeping

over the telephone and frustration dominated our conversations. I

finagled another

me once on

asked

As

real as

said to

at

phone

the

Memorex,

I

March and

flew to Paris. She

remembered what she looked

praying she didn't ask for

morning. Bring

was half an hour

my

said,

if I

in

specifics.

like.

She

meet her on the pont de l'Archeveche behind Notre-Dame

at eight in the I

week of leave

feet. Parisians

early

me

and

a present, she said.

sat

on the bridge with

walked along the

river, striking

my suitcase melancholic

KEVIN PATTERSON

What in

poses.

81

Christ was

Paris get going in the

along the strolling

woman

a fat

river,

doing here?

I

morning?

with a young

girl.

wondered.

was Sunday. Across the bridge,

No, she

didn't have a

was certain

I

in a long skirt

it

and thin and frightened

morning. She had her.

ate

I

a hotel

them.

room

oranges,

me.

more

Eventually

beautiful than

in the cold- for- Paris

which she

I

March

called Clementines,

rooms

little

with

in tongue-like projec-

and suspicious-looking winding wooden

followed her up the

I

came walk-

We went there in the shadow of Notre-Dame,

Hotel Henri Quatrieme, tiny tions off a sloped case.

blazer

gave her a bottle of maple syrup. She had reserved

I

for

little

dog and only had

was.

and man's

ing across the bridge. She looked older and recalled, tall

What time did

was walking a dog and another was

the one son. Wasn't that right?

And then a woman

It

I

we

Her husband and

slept.

stair-

stairs.

child were arriving at

the Gare de l'Est that night, she had to get going. She'd be back later that night, just rest here. There's a

good

cafe nearby if you get

hungry, called L'Ail Fourni, you can get supper there for forty

do you need French money?

francs,

back to

I fell

room

sleep, poleaxed.

the night before leaving and

the plane.

Then

she knocked

had worked

I I

smudges under each eye and at

me

briefly

and strode

open the window. She toe.

You

bered

me

Maybe I'll

I

as

her eyes and held her

The

up

should come back I

to sleep

was dark and

tasting ugly.

P.M.

She looked

room

to

No. She remem-

because I'm slumping here.

after you've dressed.

mouth

I

was stuporous, with purple

was ten

that's just

rose

on

shade and turned and tapped her

yet. It

No

stay. All right,

and yawned. Excuse me. She averted tightly.

next afternoon she took

me

to

meet her son.

We stood on

him walking home from school. When he he squinted at me. I wondered if he needed spectacles.

rue de Buci watching

spotted us

it

emergency

to the opposite corner of the

slimmer. Oh,

run a bath for you.

I

my mouth

lifted the

haven't gotten

had not been able

on the door and

croaked hello and she came in and

in the

THE WATER

82

When

he was

feet

still fifty

BETWEEN

IX

away Catherine whispered

"We

quickly,

me mention your name on the telephone and it'll get back to him. What do you want your name to be?" I gaped at her. "Stephano," she said. And then he was

can't call

there.

you Kevin,

Frank's heard

How was your day,

sweetie? This

is

my friend Stephano, will

you shake hands with him?

The two of

child's

name was Sam and he was smart and

us got along well, so long as

him from

his

Sam and

I

I

The

lively.

walked on the other

side

of

mother. While Catherine cooked us supper that night

played toro with a three-hundred-dollar Hermes

silk

scarf as a cape. I

hadn't understood

how

wealthy she was. We'd avoided the

topic because she was embarrassed by the privilege she enjoyed also because she

thought that

should have guessed

no

sixieme,

less,

—who

face.

And

it

less

was

would disdain her

after all?

less

wash our supper

life. I

about the con-

abstraction, the fact of

obvious than

some rigid-jawed

appalled by the idea that she didn't in to

And what

and the Alps? As an

important and

true, like

ease of

able to live in the Left Bank, in the

and not work,

stant trips to Corsica

her wealth was

is

I

and

work

yet

it

was

Presbyterian,

had

a

in

my

I

was

maid who'd be

dishes.

That day the maid had been

sick.

and mad: dishes were piled high

The apartment was

and hampers of

in the kitchen

laundry were spread out in the living room. The place turns vibrant and neglected. She

felt

to

me

by

really did see herself as a student,

bringing up her son by herself in her crowded apartment papers and books and toys.

chaotic

When

I

listened to her

now

filled I

with

could see

why. Her gaiety and easy laughter, and the way that she conceived

of her

life,

doomed

the succession of lovers she had taken, hopelessly

affairs

with alcoholic but charming-sounding poets

these were the actions

and thoughts of a

woman

not

at all

—

all

cynical

or world-weary.

She had

a resilient

beauty that was more striking for her not

being twenty-two. There were small wrinkles around her eyes and

KEVIN PATTERSON

83

her neck was straight and she did not slouch even a

was

hair

and hung

straight

intelligence

and precision

to her shoulders.

little bit.

Her

She spoke with an

that testified to rather than betrayed her

age. Yet for all that, there

was what

I

took to be a

willful naivete

about her ambitions and the patterns of her days. Her writing, for

—

she seemed to think that

it.

She was used to

instance

forcing

—

fund

would come

to her without

that, in every other arena

She was used to being helped, too trust

it

—her

of her

life.

parents, her husband, her

always there was one agency or another that promised

The

to look after her.

rich

seem young because they

all

are,

I

thought. Children.

We

fought in the Cafe de

la Palette,

out that morning, telling her stretch

my legs

the cathedral. tures

be a few minutes;

paper.

At

five in the

and

I

ended up

feeling

at the

wandered back along the

gry and

I

stopped in

me the day before.

Musee

I

bit into

"This "I

I

at the

was

me

I

to

was

to see

toward the door and

pont St.-Michel.

Cafe de

la Palette,

just starting into

me wondering

which

it

down.

about you

I

grew hun-

she'd

shown

my ham sandwich when swallowed my

I

all

I

looked up

at her.

day."

my sandwich.

isn't

think

"I'll

afternoon

river to

drank some beer to help

"You had I

wanted

d'Orsay, looking at the pic-

she walked quickly up to me. She stood there as bite.

had gone

overwhelmed.

Eventually the guards began ushering I

I

I

We were to have driven to Chartres that afternoon,

out.

still

and pick up a

I'd

near rue de Buci.

what

I still

I

expected."

have

I'm not myself."

jet lag.

say."

We went

back to her apartment and cooked supper together.

Her husband had Sam cramped

for the evening. In the debris

Parisian kitchen,

we

of her

cut the vegetables and prepared the

THE WATER

84

We spoke little

fish.

of us wanted to

She asked

We

at first,

fight.

me how I

appallingly.

about sauces and

felt

overcooked the

and then slowly we softened. Neither

had acted

I

but ate

fish

BETWEEN

IN

band phoned around ten and

I

it

I

fish. I

apologized again. said

without- saying

began washing the

liked them.

I

so.

Her hus-

dishes.

time to dry them and put them away, then sweep the

I

had

before

floor,

she said good night to him.

The

next morning she saw

me

off at the metro station under

pont St.-Michel. She was frightened-looking again, but tionate. It

was

and she wore

especially cold for Paris

parka-like thing that

I

said

was

still

affec-

purple

this

The hood was trimmed with

nice.

a rim of purple fake fur.

Flying into

Winnipeg fourteen hours

been on the moon.

barely

I

had time

form before dashing off to work.

I

to get

me and

Forty-eight hours after eating coquilles

bourg gardens

I

I

was

it

later

I

called out the

readied

I

St. -Jacques in

was eating pork and beans out of a

My

name

swab.

Luxem-

the

tinfoil field.

bag in

But

I'd

summer

could have a week in April to find an apartment. In

my tent

news that

I

came back

would be posted

met her

a few weeks

in a cafe

to

Ottawa

said, as

I

I

sat

I felt

me

my pockets

"No,"

I

anything?"

and

his eyes

said.

His mother looked

at

me.

Her

down. She was eating break-

said.

"Did you bring

visit her.

St.-Michel.

with her son. "I did,"

I

"Drop by any time."

later:

on boulevard

"You did come," she fast

first

my penile

scratched out a letter to Catherine, proposing that

reply

had

that

also received I

I

than usual.

the back of the ambulance; the regiment was in the

and

like

home and iron my uni-

was even

sergeant was bristling with impatience.

before he could say anything to

later

Sam

lit

up.

asked.

KEVIN PATTERSON

We walked Sam

85

went

to his school then

Luxembourg

to the

dens and ate in the cafe under the plane trees there. cold and Catherine and selves.

We

least

it

was so windy we had to

it

gar-

was very

each pulled our coats tightly around our-

I

huddled over a metal table

brandy and

It

as

we drank our

raise

coffee

and

our voices to speak. At

didn't rain.

We

army and the books we were

talked about the

There were frequent long pauses. In those

reading.

transatlantic conversa-

we had both imagined that "if only she/he were here" and it wasn't that way at all. She was disappointed about the distance tions

between

us.

We

both thought

it

was mostly

We spent the whole week trying to I

didn't feel like

my fault.

reach across that distance.

belonged in her world and

I

no conception of mine.

I

thought she had

I

remember cutting onions

in her kitchen.

Socks and underwear were hanging on the frame of a lampshade.

The small proportions of the clothes made the lamp seem huge and surreal.

me

She told

base; she

that she

would

like to visit

would even consider moving

joking. She looked

The morning at Catherine's

I

there.

was supposed to I

home

fly

it

I

If I

was

hadn't been I

dashed

behind

me

as

The

fog started to

late getting

on any

I

I

sprinted.

bye memorized that

I

I fell I

into the train

rumi-

set the clocks in Paris

They probably

do.

Oh my

Ottawa.

We kissed

hurriedly.

had been working on

car

late. I

could to the metro, Catherine running

ably did too but there was

and then a subway

lift.

difference

back to the army they would discover that

flight to

as fast as

jaw.

couldn't be that

nated on the question of why they don't just

army

awoke and looked

wondered what the time

was, what the real time was, because

God.

I

the

pretended she was

away then and clenched her

alarm clock.

to Parisian time.

I

me on

no time.

We

I

all

had

a pithy good-

week and she prob-

exchanged looks of panic

door was hissing open.

and watched

got to the airport a half hour after

as

her perplexed face receded.

my

flight

had

left.

The grim

THE WATER

86

IN

BETWEEN

woman at the Canadian Airlines desk suggested I go back into Paris and she would see if she could get me onto a flight sometime that week.

The army was deploying

and they thought

I

a court martial.

told her

I

to Southern Alberta the next

I

wanted

was thousands more than the

that

a package of cigarettes, sat

chain-smoked.

I

day

was house-hunting in Ottawa. This would be to

limit

buy on

down on my

a full-price ticket but

my credit card.

little

I

bought

leather suitcase

approached the desk again, asking

and

there wasn't

if

any flight that day going anywhere in Canada that she could put

me

on. She said no, firmly.

I

knew

that

I

lines that day.

Then

the

would not be I

returned to

woman

me

way and

saw the

flying out of Paris

the next thing

and

on Canadian

Air-

my perfect little suitcase and sat down.

me and touched me on I

in her eyes

Air France desk next to the stern-faced

at the

to follow.

—hur-

of myself

reflection

—

agent walked over to ing for

I

unshaven and cigarette-smoking

riedly dressed,

the shoulder, motion-

was led through security and down a I

knew I was being pushed through

hall-

a door

on an Air France 747, first class to Montreal. I remember trying to thank her and she just smiled and withdrew. The door closed and

my

a voice asked

me

drank a

of champagne and tried to slow

glass

to put

film of perspiration that

on

seat belt.

had covered

As the plane took off

me

an odor about me.

I

month

I

I

kept

I

that

I

in

and

all I felt

was

was going to be a

pital

fairly

foaming

and changed hurriedly into

at the

had

able to

little late.

army and

a two-

relief.

got back just as the trucks were lining up.

ning toward me,

I

all

counted the

Canada and

was, leaving Paris and headed back to the field exercise,

I

The

Among

could not deny

my arms tight to my sides.

would be on the ground

my sergeant to warn him

phone There

I

breathing.

evaporated.

these dourly smiling first-class passengers,

hours until

my

I

I

saw

mouth.

I

my sergeant runran into the hos-

my combat clothes as the medical

section trucks started their engines.

KEVIN PATTERSON

87

That night we stopped

in

Saskatchewan

spend the night. Falling out of the truck drooling on the shoulder of the

man

in disoriented circles as the medics

of dust sprang up around

went

I

at

beside me,

unloaded

my feet with

too.

I

put the

Canadian his eyes

money in my

bills

on

and

paid.

looked

I

pocket.

He

I

walked around

each step.

for a beer in the officers' mess.

to see the colonel standing there.

I

their gear. Little clouds

reached into

I

to pay and pulled out a handful of French

let

an army base to

spending eight hours

after

said nothing.

I

my hand

at

smiled

francs.

at

I

him.

I

my wal-

looked up

and he did

found some

walked away, feeling

my back.

We spent the early summer on exercise in the badlands of Southern Alberta. There were wild horses

pronghorn antelope.

I

and

rattlesnakes

and thousands of

spent most of this time spread-eagled on the

top of an ambulance, snoozing in the sun and waiting for nothing at all to

happen. Mail came to the regiment irregularly and

relieved at not being confronted with letters

wrote Catherine a

letter that said that

so difficult between us.

her.

There was no

I

from

I

was

Paris. Finally

I

was sorry things had been

reply.

When the regiment finally returned to its barracks I telephoned I told her I had been in the desert. She asked me what that had

been

like.

"There were rattlesnakes there." "So you dropped one in an envelope." I

We

did not go to Paris again.

are not as strong or as beautiful or as interesting or as

tious as

we wish we

were. George Whitman's bookstore does not

publish James Joyce and

of

this age.

And on

ambi-

it is

not the crucible for the best writing

the whole

it

is

a

much

less interesting

and

— THE WATER

88

beautiful place than Sylvia Beach's bookstore was.

IN

BETWEEN

But an

tion begins with the conceit that things could be better, step of realizing that aspiration

first

I

was twenty-five and that

her chest and

I

by suffocating

ease,

is

aspira-

and the

to pretend that they are.

woman had 'died from

the hole in

was completely alone; Catherine was surrounded her trust fund, her husband and her torpor

both of us were desperate to escape. Escape

always a flight from

is

one truth or another.

On

the

flat silver

ocean

Don and

I

took turns cooking.

I

became

absorbed by porridge and prepared elaborate oatmeal stews, boiled in apple juice, with freshly

dinner

I

ground nutmeg and cinnamon. For

experimented with pasta and curried cream sauces made

with evaporated milk.

Don had

once worked in a bakery, and he

baked pans of cinnamon buns and loaves of pleasant to rise through the

fresh bread.

sitting in the cockpit

would dip our book and smile and accept the proffered

One

night

I

out

as

at

pungent, across

When

they are obscured.

my

beautiful

appear-

the

print.

full

moon

shines, the clouds

That night the moon was

rain retreated

and

left

full

the air cold and

watched the pattern of rained-on water progressing

I

a rainbow

platinum

As the recent

bright.

The

night seemed ominous to me, the stars winking

are backlit, as if in a

and

plate.

was on watch, studying the high darkened out-

of clouds retreating as a squall passed over us.

ance of clouds

was

companionway and present each other

with our creations. Whichever of us was

lines

It

field lit

and

hour before

it

of vision and

by the I

called

I

looked up to see an arc in the

moon.

A

Don

come

to

moonbow. see

it.

It

sky,

was extraordinarily

We watched for half an

disappeared.

Because the boat had been so motionless for so long, a whole bioniche of mollusks and rudder, boat.

and

little

At times a

anemone had grown up on

schools of fish darted larger,

among

the hull and

the shadows of the

darker shadow would

slip

through and

KEVIN PATTERSON

abrupt flashes of

89

silver

would

sparkle as the smaller fish snapped

off in a thousand different directions. In the always-moving water,

anything solid becomes a source of

We

a reef.

life,

hung over

gunwales for hours studying the creatures living beneath

the

us.

We found ourselves talking like brothers in bunk beds at night, not looking

and

at

each other, staring up

and

rolled gently

sailboat

me

told

and then

had joined the boat with his earnings

as a

Don,

from the Caribbean

in his early twenties,

diver,

Don had bought a twenty-

had

sailed to Hawaii, learning

that he

navigation as he went.

sailed

It

home.

He was

He

took him twenty-six days.

stayed in Hawaii for a year, working in a sailmaker's sailed for

pitched

had bought a

back to British Columbia. Then,

commercial

plywood boat

eight-foot

to Hawaii.

for the trip

The boat

at the sky.

that his brother

from a friend sight unseen and

to the Galapagos

celestial

Don

at sea for forty-eight days,

loft,

and then

becalmed

in the

fog off the coast of Vancouver Island for two weeks. Forty-eight days.

On

a boat smaller than the Sea Mouse. His brother thought

hailing distance of a fishboat

laughed

as

he told me, then

I

and yacht-club members," he time, the Sea

ran

down

Don had finally drifted into and accepted a tow into shore. He

had probably

that the keel bolts

Mouse was over

let go.

laughed. "Style points are for skiers said.

a

I

was

month

grateful for that.

at sea herself.

Rust streaks

her sides in great swaths, jugs were lashed to every secure

anchor point, and sailing the

Going

South

we looked nothing

Pacific

at all like

strumming our

I

had imagined

us,

ukuleles.

to sea with a stranger has the potential for disaster.

can only imagine what

I

must have seemed

to

Don: desperate

get away, ignorant about the sea, easily distracted

obliquely to a great heartbreak that,

thing at

At the

all. I

it

wondered why he agreed

self-absorption let

up a

bit

and

I

and

I

to

referring

emerged, was hardly anyto

go and then,

briefly,

started to imagine his

own

my des-

peration.

At

sea

Don was

confident and gentle and deeply wise. This was

apparent from the beginning, from the I

first

flake

of pecan

pie.

imagined him finding that confidence on the forty-eight-day

THE WATER

90

passage between Hawaii and the West Coast.

about the weather and about boats and about hulls or flesh, there

was a humility evident that

But then he'd moved ashore and

body

else

seemed

to see that for

in

Don

as fine

with

her, or

he talked

frailty, I

as a toy

—he

sold

when

even

how

kept getting absorbed by

all

wonder everyone

to ourselves.

The

and a

threat.

—and wasn't contin-

fine

he was.

talking about her. His

margins, the light wasn't strong enough to

a

was worse

it.

humility disappeared for a while in the suburbs.

It's

whether in

envied.

thinking that what he found beautiful about

wasn't just that she couldn't see

It

When

living like that

the sea was contained partly within himself

gent on owning a boat

BETWEEN

with the chickens and no-

than living on his boat. His wife saw the boat

He was astonished but,

IN

places

show

He

wasn't

wisdom and

Away from

the

his strength. It

that stucco.

hasn't

lit

we choose

out for Montana. to

What we do

live.

We had become blind to our slow progress. When a boat does two knots,

But

you look

it's still

fifty

at the

water and wonder

miles a day.

Not

so

much

One day we consulted the chart and hundred miles from Oahu.

Don

said, "if

we were

in

if you're

moving

at

all.

—but more than none.

realized

we were only three

We looked at one another.

"Just think,"

any other boat we'd be three days from

land." "If

we were

weeks ago,"

I

in

said,

any other boat we would have been there two not stirring from

cockpit, neck deep in E.

with

M.

Forster

my horizontal posture, and

idly adjusting the

in the

wheel

my foot.

Three days

later a thick

white smudge appeared on the horizon,

south-southwest. Even as the trade-wind cumulus clouds swept

KEVIN PATTERSON

91

over us in a steady procession, the

next day

we

before, terns rise as

us. It

smudge

didn't

move

at

all.

The

noticed birds sitting on the water that we'd not seen

and small songbird-looking things

we approached and

that

would abruptly

dart about the Sea Mouse, screeching at

We looked at the cloud that still sat steadfastly on the horizon.

seemed

Two

clear that that

days

later,

like a jade

was where the birds were coming from.

a sharp green triangle

arrowhead.

strange, but there

it

Don

was

—

was the

pushed through the horizon first

to spot

it.

It

seemed so

land.

That night we were able

to pick out flickering street lights

by

the surfing beaches and suddenly a thick and sweet scent reached us,

of smoke and food and

bered smelling the sea the I

remembered how

first

fragrant

and pollen and lawns.

fires

time

my family drove to

and unfamiliarly sharp the

I

remem-

the ocean. salt

water

smelled to me.

We were still fifteen miles away. We could smell land so clearly it felt

the

like

stars,

we were

in a kitchen

where bread was baking. Against

the dark outline of the

and improbably

mountain

rose further up, black

steep. Little flashes traced the

path of cars driving

along the north shore. "Will you look at that," ing straight ahead.

Don

said,

crouched on the bow,

star-

(Jhapter Tive

was Theremany were

went

to

a bar near the harbor

in Waikiki.

bars near the harbor in Waikiki.

There

The one

I

the Lighthouse, occupied a ground-floor

first,

corner of a condo high-rise complex. Next to

it

was an expensive

seafood restaurant; late at night the waiters and cooks stepped outside for air

and

and looked

at the tourists.

shorts, smiled back.

were

locals,

and they

tourists everywhere.

called to

tourists, in

The cooks and waiters looked

Docksiders away.

They

disliked tourists, as the locals mostly dislike

watched the

tourists sympathetically.

They

one another in long friendly Midwestern vowels and

grouped together

palm

I

The

protectively. It

trees always visible.

I

looked

in backward-facing ball caps

against the wall.

I

was very warm and there were at the

young men and women

and aprons, smoking and leaning

waved. They looked away.

KEVIN PATTERSON

93

Inside the Lighthouse, decorative cotton nets are pinned to

hang from the

particle-board paneled walls. Hurricane lanterns ceiling

and there

chalkboard

is

a

wooden

wheel bolted to one

ship's

wall.

A

purple and peach, the purple-and-

spells out, in lovely

peach-colored overpriced drinks they serve there. Behind the

wooden

carved

brands of beer. cake!"

To

small painted mirrors advertising

On the tables a laminated card says "Try our cheese-

regulars

its

suffocating

many

bar are

it is

the only place like

it

—which

My new

friend

bought a

fifty-year-old teak plank-strip cutter,

the Sea

had

Mouse

lots

is

both the

and heartwarming thing about home.

Roland showed

in the harbor.

me

this place.

A

year ago he'd

which

At the time, he was a

sat

waiter,

of money and loved the idea of buying a boat.

next to

he

said,

He had got

her for a good price and thought that the year or two he spent ing her up It

would be much of the

was only

pleasurable she

pleasure she

be.

He had

had

finally

paint.

When

just gaped.

She was

and raw

and

richly textured, even bare

He

kept a photograph of her then, scraped it

to

how

the gooseneck

been scraped off and the wooden hull had

been sanded clean he had

showed

just

her hauled out to scrape the

bottom and put on new antifouling barnacles

give him.

he learned

after taking possession that

would

would

fix-

anyone who stopped

chaos of her decks and,

it

was

in the boatyard. Solid teak.

to look

true,

it

exquisite. Solid teak

and gleaming.

upon

He

the subsequent

was not possible

to be un-

moved. Having taken possession of her she had taken possession of him, and

it

was now impossible

Which would have been

the

him only way for

to

abandon

her.

out. Teredos, or ship-

worms, had gotten into the rudder and the keelson. These had

much of this work done as possiwhen he began running short of money he tried to

be replaced. Roland had had ble

and then

to

as

temporize, cutting out areas of obvious rot and then painting on cans and cans of epoxy.

The

boat was back in the water now, and

THE WATER

94

IN

BETWEEN

he didn't have enough money to do another haul-out.

He didn't was now living

money to pay rent, which is why he on his boat, among the piles of sawdust and cans of paint. Which is why he had lost his waitering job, which is why we'd ended up

have enough

at the

Lighthouse eating nachos and drinking beer that night in

mid-November.

Me

Roland was

paying.

in his late thirties

calamity about him.

It

and had an

was wrapped up

it

of ongoing

him

wasn't possible to suggest to

wouldn't succeed with his boat, that identity

air

that he

was destroying him. His

in this rotting boat

now.

It

was

all

that

The other people on the dock him "that poor guy with the wooden boat." A week before I had met him, he had discovered rot almost all

he was,

all

that he thought about.

called

the

way through

The

the transom. This hadn't changed any of his plans.

Sea Mouse was tied up at the

Roland's boat. Beside

it,

work dock, immediately behind

On the other side of us was a charter deep-sea boat.

a middle-aged

woman lived on a twenty-five-foot wooden

sloop with her teenaged sons. Surfboards foredeck. She

had come over

after

we had

ing for the customs people and asked

banged up.

crammed tied

how

her cluttered

up and were wait-

the boat

had gotten so

We rubbed the toes of our shoes on the dock, still wob-

bly from the sea, and looked down. "Gale off Oregon,"

manly

bled, with

vigor.

She said she wanted to

name was

Alice

a cigarette

and offered

I

sail

up

to Alaska

sometime

and she had an easy manner about

wanted. "Thanks,"

I

to

herself.

her.

She

Her

lit

up

show me around Honolulu sometime,

said.

if

She nodded and fanned herself with a

copy of People magazine.

"Want

we grum-

a smoke?" she added, holding out her pack.

KEVIN PATTERSON

Above the dock

95

Hawaii Prince Hotel. East of

sat the

Hilton Hawaiian Village, and beyond

it

toilet

was out of order but that the

restrooms of the Hawaii Prince were available

Hawaii

lines. I

blinked at

expected to be escorted out

it. I

doorman smiled and pointed out

brusquely, but the

rooms, which were very clean and cool. still

The

if necessary.

lobby was a celebration of pink sandstone and

Prince's

post-modernist

was the

A sign at the top

lining the beaches of Waikiki like gray dominoes.

of the dock declared that the

it

a succession of giant hotels

toilet for far

I

sat

on

the wash-

that completely

longer than was strictly necessary.

I

my

leaned

head against the stone partition and breathed deeply. Lavender.

That smell was lavender. filmy gray

body with paper towels

There were I

shaved in the sink and dabbed

I

tables in the center

saw a copy of The New York

sleek

until

I

was covered with

of the lobby and

Times.

I

at

fuzz.

one of them

began flipping through

and immaculately clad Japanese woman approached me.

the paper

wanted

to

my

at

it.

I

A

lay

down and was preparing to apologize but she only know if I would like some coffee, espresso, juice per-

haps? Understand:

I

stank.

My hair was matted like rotted hay and

my shirt and trousers were crisp with sea and body salt.

I

asked her

for a cappuccino.

The morning

and huge

of tourists met their buses out in front, pale

trains

light

glowed

all

through the lobby

skinny-legged Texans in hats and shorts and Iowans in Lands' everywhere:

all

around was

traffic

newspaper and savored that

Then I walked

and

noise.

streets

read the lovely

and dulled very quickly.

of souvenir shops, and then there

were fast-food places and convenience there were vacant lots

I

coffee.

inshore. Waikiki shrank

There were two or three

But

End

stores,

and soon

and paint-peeling apartment

after that

buildings.

Ten

blocks inshore the buildings were familiarly drab, possessed none

of the

jittery precision

houses and apartments at the air.

world.

of the beach hotels, and on the steps of the fat

The beach

men and fat children

hotels were

still

visible,

sat

and looked out

towering into the

Beyond and between them, the ocean shone.

THE WATER

96

I

stopped

at a coffee

the beach and the sea.

It

shop in a

little strip

was dark

in there

so cold I

my legs

sufficiently detached,

some other

I

I

I

made

all

woman

I

had been miss-

ended up writing her a

make

thought, to

friends,

about the crossing.

it

clear

letter. It

how

fine

I

was

was.

I

of whom were mutual, and bragged

the gale so fierce that even though lash-

on the genoa were numerous and competently tied, they broke

and, were

been

it,

my heroic

that

would have

flush with the pleasure of talking to friends,

and holding

it

not for

the boat

Then,

my

was wearing shorts and was

I

to telephone the

my pride,

ing but, traitor to

ings

Arborite tables

turned blue.

had resolved not

called

The

I

beneath the sneeze-guards

fixings

gleamed with freshly sprayed mist.

mall, out of sight of

and air-conditioned.

shivered and read a copy of Time magazine.

glowed and the pots of salad

BETWEEN

IN

lunge for the

would have capsized one hand and

calling card in

my

sail,

for sure.

address

book

in the other,

I

dialed her number.

"Oh "I

my," she

said, "it's

you."

crossed the ocean."

"You're in Japan?"

"Well, half the ocean. Hawaii."

"Wow. What's

it

like?"

"Like Hawaii Five-O. Lots of hotels.

loud

Women

in

muumuus,

shirts, shorts."

bo you re okay. 1

m great.

"Listen,

I

can't talk long,

I'm on

my way to

a play."

"Okay."

"But

I

can talk for a few minutes."

"I don't

"I

to

make you

late."

have a few minutes."

"I'll call I

want back

later."

walked back to the boat, wincing. Roland was standing there

looking at the Sea Mouse.

I

told

That was when he introduced

him

me

I

wanted

to go for a drink.

to the Lighthouse.

KEVIN PATTERSON

Roland was known sat

down.

ting used

at the bar

was

it

out there, at open

like

only just learned what

he

and we found a

table in the

back and

He told me I looked distracted. I told him I was still getto being ashore. He said that he knew nothing about

what

sailing,

97

me and

knew. "Like

I

sea.

I

told

fixing

him

my

had

I

boat up,"

said.

"Yes,"

I

said,

though

I

thought there was a huge difference.

had thrown himself completely into

his project

—

He

for better or

home any time I wanted and had taken someone with me who knew all about this boat stuff. He was made of sterner stuff, I thought, and said so. worse.

He

I

could land a job back

said

I

was

flattering

thought about the phone

Roland knew two

him.

call I

denied

I

had

just

waitresses: Teri

it.

We ordered drinks.

I

made.

and Toni.

Teri surfed the

north beaches and once had seen a tiger shark attack. She could speak Japanese and wanted to open an English language school for Japanese business people. Toni was

less effusive, less

beautiful

and

They both liked Roland, found him eccentric, I think, and unthreatening. They took turns sitting down with us and chatting about Roland's boat. They asked me my story and I told them about drinking rum into the early morning with Peter easier to talk to.

Ericson and his theory about the Vikings spreading the lore of

They thought he sounded

navigation across the uncharted seas. insane.

I

told

bougainvillea to

be out

all

nodded.

them

bloom by

at sea,

I

thought they had a point. Teri wore a

in her hair.

Toni said she had always wanted

herself, clean air,

no

noise,

no problems.

The next day Roland came by the Sea Mouse with of

his,

and asked

me

if I

walked down to catch a suburban bar that as

long

as

figure out

let

wanted city bus.

I

Eric, a friend

go get something to

eat.

They had found coupons

the possessor eat

he bought a drink.

how I

to

slunk

all

he wanted

down

in

We to a

at the buffet

my seat and

was going to get out of this. Eric was

We

tried to

flirting

with

THE WATER

98

a

young woman

to

brush him

a few seats in front of

He

off.

IN

him who was

BETWEEN

trying hard

leered at her like a lizard. She rang the bell

and got off at the next

stop.

nearly did as well.

I

Eric was in his mid-forties

and looked

ol'der.

He had

the scan-

ning-all-around mannerisms of someone

who

and he

familiarity with

had

affected a greasy

me

my

putting

straighter than

I

and exuberant

had since

and our coupons

salesmen place,

hung

all

and

sitting

We finally got off the bus

doorman.

secretaries

yellow

ties

It

and

was a

Frosted hair and bravado circled

pall.

in courtship dances.

had any money. Eric put

The man

his

The doorman looked

and

at us

if

we

hand on the mans shoulder and

Roland presented our coupons. The

bristled.

doorman asked where we had gotten them.

We went in. We sat at a table

and

Cologne

lacy blouses.

our fresh-from-the-boatyard clothes and sandals, then asked

laughed.

that

and presented our-

to the

suits,

me

that led to the bar

over the crowd like a

one another

front pocket

basic training.

and walked into the mall selves

my

wallet into

has been in trouble

Eric gave the

man

ten

bucks.

kept their distance. to the buffet

and

sat

and a

little

and even plates high

story.

home when he

been married in Florida, he claimed, and had a boy.

He had

ounce or so

Then one

people

with barbecued spareribs

ordered beers. Eric started telling his

been working

day,

he

said,

for

doing

as a

He was

got involved with a coke operation. a quarter

as the place filled,

No one even asked to borrow a chair. We went

and piled our

down and

He had

for six

house painter mostly just a

deliveries or for

user,

paid

keeping lookout.

he was on the beach and he found a big bag

of coke that had been thrown either from a plane or a boat out sea

and had washed up.

He

told the

deal to

He

took

home and

it

guy he'd been working

sell it

to

for

hid

it

at

in his garage.

about the bag and made a

him. There was a double-cross and then there was

some shooting and

police.

He

told the police

who and what

he

knew and did only a short jail sentence. But his wife divorced him. The day he had done his jail time he hightailed it to Hawaii and changed

his

name.

He was

living

on Roland's boat

for the time

KEVIN PATTERSON

99

being and had found work painting in one of the malls along the ocean.

drug

He was

test

worried, though, because he'd had to take a urine

the day before and he wasn't sure he

It is difficult

the teller

pass

it.

when you know that Eric was persuasive when he said

to interpret a story like this,

basically lying to you.

is

would

how much he missed his wife and his son. I was sure he'd had a family and now he didn't. I was glad she'd seen through him and gotten away. Assuming she got away.

But he was a snake. There's a snake under almost any rock you care to tip over,

a snake. these

As

I

on the waterfront of Honolulu. But Roland wasn't

watched him

two had wound up

Roland friends

listen to Eric's story,

living together.

feeling lonely, in his all

little

wondered how

imagined

I

it

started with

no phone and

his

Then someone knocks on

the

rotting boat,

afraid of the waterfront.

I

hull. I

his

admired Roland's devotion to

his once-beautiful boat.

withdrawal into that devotion brought Eric into his

One way

could only ever lead to unkindness.

It

life,

But

which

or another.

took us two weeks to get around to buying the new gear we

Don and I made lists and resolved to get Then we headed out in opposite directions and

needed. Every morning

our errands done.

didn't return until late at night, usually drunk. Every

to

make some phone

calls to

day

I

promised

the sailmakers and to rent a car so

we

could spend the following day doing boat things. Each evening

I

returned, having spent the day reading magazines in the overly air-

conditioned coffee shop and the evening sidetracked, too. as

I

don't

know how he

embarrassed about his lack of will

at the

movies.

Don

got

passed his days; he seemed

as

I

was about mine.

We had both constructed fantasies about ourselves that emphasized self-reliance

veniences.

And

stimulation like

and disdain

here

we

for cities

and

their enervating con-

were, clinging to Slurpees and audio-visual

some South

Pacific version

of Beavis and Butthead.

THE WATER

100

I

He

asked

Don

IN

BETWEEN

one morning what he thought our problem was.

looked across the table from me, the same hollowness around

the eyes. "We're just tired," he said. "We've only been here a couple of weeks. We're

pretty determined.

still

more determined than we

And

we went

Drunk

he stayed here on

sail loft

his boat.

trial

difficult to

aren't rich

their boats here

At the

An

indus-

The ground

only a few miles from

on the same

keep their boats. There gear.

is

The people who

else. It

This

island.

a pas-

live

sail loft,

we climbed some

There were

six

it

was

was exactly what we

stairs to

sails

an open wooden-

satisfyingly musty-smelling

sewing machines in

around them, stretched

that were

and

pits in the floor and,

pinned to the

floor

by

awls.

A Filipina sat in one corner whirring away and did not look up. the office a fat It

man

sat

on an old

chair talking

was very dusty and very hot. The

der at us for a

could see

on

for.

floored warehouse space; dark.

Lagoon.

day long 747s roar a few

it's

it's

do not own anything

sails,

in heavy-weather sailing.

all

imagine that

of small stores selling used marine

were looking

repair several of our

in Kehii

and parched. Even though

it's

in that winter

overhead and the whole earth shakes.

where the people who

sel

We needed to

was in an old warehouse

feet

littered

Waikiki, is

Don had worked

park next to the airport where

hundred is

that

my education

which had suffered from loft

again.

together to a rent-a-car agency in a strip mall and

then drove out to the

The

are."

he got up and walked down the dock, not to reappear

until late that night.

Finally

We just wish we were

him

moment and inside, his

fat

man

on the telephone.

looked over his shoul-

then kicked his office door shut.

back to

In

We

us, still talking.

Some time later, he emerged buttoning up his shirt; Don introduced us. The man's name was Gerry. Don reminded him that he

KEVIN PATTERSON

had worked

"Oh

for

101

him

for a year

and Gerry pretended

you looked

yeah," he said, "I thought nice to see

"It's

"Yeah. Hey,

you

again,"

Don

to

remember.

familiar."

said.

do you want a job?

My

apprentice just quit to

spend the winter on the North Shore surfing and I'm backed right

up on

my orders.

"How

Five bucks an hour.

Maybe

six?"

long do you think you want to stay in Hawaii?"

Don

asked me. I

at

looked back

him, surprised, and then

at

Don. This would be

to get going within a

"Sorry, Gerry.

at

Gerry and back

a terrible place to get stuck.

few days.

Don

I

said

I

wanted

actually looked disappointed.

But can we rent one of your machines

hour or two, to sew up our own

for

an

sails?"

"Yeah. Twenty- five bucks an hour, clean up your mess," Gerry said, retreating into his office.

Don

stretched out our tattered

He seemed

so at ease that

I

sails

wondered again what

stopped him from taking these qualities

showed

me how

This was the in junior high

home

it

their repairs.

was that had

He

to the chickens.

run the machine.

to

first

sewing of fabric

and was forced

that sailmaking

and planned

a gracious

is

to take

I'd

been privy to since

home

economics.

and beautiful

I

I

was

learned

craft that revolves

around the business of making curved objects out of flat material

and assembling them

in a

manner

that will allow a twenty-four-

thousand-pound boat to be pulled along by them. More arcana. liked

I

it.

Soon the

fabric

was flowing past

seams were joined once again and the paid Gerry on our

way

Don sails

steadily

and the torn

looked nearly new.

We

out.

We spent the rest of that day driving right around Oahu, lookleft. We stopped at the surfing beaches

ing out at the sea on our

down in the sand and drank beer as we watched bronzed young men sliding down the hills of water that broke furiously and and

sat

then crawled up on the beach. Both of us wanted to be

surfers.

By

THE WATER

102

time

this

them

we had

the complexions, if not the deltoids.

until late in the afternoon

drove back to Honolulu. boat and, at to

wishing

sea.

We watched

and then we got into the

car

was night when we got back

last, it felt like it

head back to

lives

It

BETWEEN

IN

was time

and

to the

for us to be getting ready

Either that or resign ourselves to spending our

we were

surfers

sandy blond hair they

all

and had

seem

larger physiques.

to have.

And

the lingo.

And

that

was a

It

pretty close run there for a few hours.

The next morning we launched into our errands with vigor. Our lovely ash improvised reaching pole from Anacortes had broken the first time the sails had become backwinded and so we decided to buy the more expensive metal one. trical

Costco and bought groceries to iced-coffee drink that tles

new

wire and extra line and a

of

larder

full again.

anchor.

Then we drove

We

coming down could be

to

the boat, cans and cans of an

we had developed a taste for and

rum and whiskey

was

fill

We also bought elec-

plastic bot-

Our

that smelled like lacquer thinner.

were pleased that the gear we'd broken replaced. In the Marquesas,

stood, one could

buy coconuts and bananas and

Camembert, but

a

new anchor

or

sail

fine

we under-

Bordeaux and

was impossible. So we were

lucky to have stopped here.

That night Roland and the day working

He had

been

on

I

walked to the Lighthouse.

his deck,

at this task for

finally solved the

problem.

which leaked

terribly

He had

spent

with every

rain.

weeks and was confident that he had

He hoped

it

would

rain soon, just so

he could know. Teri sitting

and Toni were both working and again they took turns

with us and talking about the ocean. They both wanted to

go to Tahiti by

sea,

and had decided

they

said. Teri

that she

wanted

had been surfing

that afternoon

to live the rest of her

life

on the

water in a swimsuit. Toni said wait until you're thirty-five and see

KEVIN PATTERSON

103

To you

appealing.

if that's as

Roland and

or anyone

Teri laughed. Sort of.

else.

concentrated on being amiable.

I

Roland talked about waitering.

He had done

and quit because he thought he wanted

years

he

larger,

By which he meant

said.

up

fixing

to

his old

it

for

twenty

do something

wooden

boat.

"But what's wrong with waitering?" he asked. "Nothing," he answering his

own

question.

The poor guy, I thought. "I know Paul Theroux," he

He came "He

into the restaurant

lives

said,

I

said. "I

worked

saw his books on your in

all

boat.

the time."

here now?"

"Yes."

"What's he

"He

like?"

tips well.

"Figures,"

"From

I

And

eats alone a lot."

said.

you mean," Roland

his books,

said.

"Yeah." "In person he's different.

Of course,

I

just fed

him

Still

soup."

"Did you read what he had "Yeah.

Of course,

cranky, but in a different way.

to say about Hawaii, in

Happy Isles?"

he did move here."

"He must have liked it "Or liked disliking it."

a

little."

"Like with his friends."

"And

I

phoned

ence,

my parents

Roland

said, rolling his eyes.

from the

bar, forgetting

and woke them up. They were pleased

wondered soon,

his food,"

I

if

said.

I

had

set to sea again

Then my mother

told

about the time to hear

differ-

from me, had

without calling them. No, but

me

that they

phone call from a man who said he was who was wondering if they knew where

had gotten a

tele-

a friend of Catherine's

she was.

What

did you

and tell

THE WATER

104

him,

I

them

asked. it

What could they tell him

was a divorce going

had used written

it

where

to find out

down somewhere.

My father

me

asked

calling again.

I

was.

"This

phoned Catherine

I

where Catherine was.

went back

I

him

told

I'd

I

asked

if I

to the table.

get the

He

bill.

at the

I

and

it,

mother

number

it

said.

man from

she had given in

said she

had no idea

could leave a message. She said no.

Roland

said

he was getting

me and

thanked

She said Teri had been asking her when

"Maybe tomorrow,"

my

could to stop the

I

Hampton. The woman who answered

East

told

I

thought

guessed Frank had found

I

very strange,"

is

do anything

to

know her.

him Catherine knew

told

I

they didn't

BETWEEN

My father asked how I

badly.

her husband got their number.

—

IN

I

left.

was

tired. I

Toni came

by.

leaving.

said.

"Too bad." "I

could postpone."

"Don't be too available," she advised.

evening smiling widely and invitingly

I

spent the rest of that

She smiled back a

at Teri.

couple of times and then avoided looking at me.

When

until closing.

and told

me

"Good I

I

paid the

to write her a letter

night,"

looked over

bill

Toni handed

from

Tahiti.

I

I

stayed there

me

said

I

her address

would.

said.

I

at Teri.

She looked puzzled. Then she looked

away.

The

next morning

looked

like

he hadn't

shaving mirror.

I

just

I

go then.

like

I

I

with a cup of coffee.

my

stared at

had

He

reflection in the

slept very well either.

We

Which was saying asked him if he could think of any reason we shouldn't

He

ing in the forepeak

gathered

it

this

said

Then one of us

Don

slept that well.

didn't look

looked better than something.

Don woke me up

up

when we were

he couldn't.

inhaled. still

in

at sea.

The laundry

that

needed to be done;

it

had been ferment-

was our

last excuse.

green garbage bags and loaded the bags into

KEVIN PATTERSON

the dinghy.

105

He rowed

the boat

dock and laundromat.

fuel

lockers. It cheered

me up

I

of pungent clothes over to the

full

started putting breakable things in

immediately. That was a great morning,

stowing charts and whistling.

Don

While

man

was

laundromat, a wizened brown

sitting in the

with speckled shorts

and a French accent walked

in

and

dainfully began stuffing his shirts into a washing machine.

down

beside

eyebrows

at

Don, who had been enjoying the show. He

Don, who thought he was

name was

exchanging news. His

Oahu. He had

years. It

was very hard,

He was

strong.

lization. If you

And now could

They began

Islands, Palmyra, a

two

by himself. But he survived.

he was here for a few months, in

call this civilization.

him his handkerchief. The owners of Palmyra, who

up

thousand

lived alone there for the last

that time

all

sat

raised his

Roger, and he had just sailed

from the northernmost of the Line miles south of

flirting, at first.

dis-

He

He

sniffed loudly.

civi-

Don

offered

stay

on the

sure

nobody

atoll

and look

It

was pure.

Since the end of the Second calling point for visiting sailors, else.

was

called

had

read.

Staring details.

about three million

a

frigate birds

In the mid-seventies there were two widely pub-

And the (He

up

told

at the

Which was

Sea Will

me

Tell,

by Vincent

the story as

we had

sky and daydreaming, fortunate, as

times and each time

for

World War, Palmyra has been

murders there that spawned a book and a movie. The book

licized

It

Honolulu, paid Roger to

Which was to say, make Which was fine by Roger. He

else tried to live there.

preferred the solitude.

and no one

lived in

after the place.

had taken two

I

learned

years

Don

new

on the

imbeciles, as

which

Don

drifted toward Hawaii. I

hadn't caught

all

the

told the story three or four

things.) atoll for

company more permanent and

men. Those

Bugliosi,

Roger to

start

longing

voluble than visiting yachts-

Roger termed them, were usually

taciturn,

remote and too self-involved to carry on a conversation. The

first

few times a mast had appeared on the horizon, he'd watched hopefully.

Then

the arrival

would come ashore and be unabashedly

THE WATER

106

BETWEEN

IN

disappointed to see another person, especially one with pretensions

on what was meant

to authority,

"And

I

want

me

been dere for two

'ave

to have been an uninhabited atoll.

to apologize for spoiling dere trip,

won't even leave

me

de seabirds and dey

years, talking to

any food,

most of de time dey day or two. Such

just set off after a

poor mannaires ..."

Then to

a

Canadian

and had agreed

island

sailor

named Derrick had

do maintenance on

his boat

—on

would send him

that he

food, as Derrick was running low, and Roger had

plies to leave

on the

the condition that Roger

would return within four months and

some

arrived

to supervise while Roger returned to Hawaii

no sup-

him. Derrick also agreed to feed Roger's dogs, which

weren't allowed into Hawaii

—quarantine and

all that.

Roger seemed much more concerned about the welfare of his

He

Don if we could stop off in Palmyra to deliver food to his dogs. And to Derrick. Don thought it sounded like a great idea. He had always wanted to see the place and here was his chance. He told Roger to dogs than he was about Derrick.

come I

asked

over and see me.

was

sitting in the cockpit

of the Sea Mouse when

rowing back excitedly to the boat. again,

and the place sounded

tled atoll full

of ghosts and

He

explained Palmyra

magic to me.

like

relics,

Don came

a few

all

A basically unset-

hundred miles above the

Who'd have thought a place like that could still Roger ever showed up we had resolved to go there.

equator.

Before

When and

said,

he

finally

knocked on the

hull,

"You must be Roger. We'd love

"You must be very

over

I

poked

my

exist?

head out

to go."

careful entering the reef, eet ees very dan-

gerous."

"Have you seen any ghosts?" "Everyone asks pieces

on the

me

I

replied

about the bodies.

sea floor."

I

think they are in

little

Qh after §ix

The

ocean south

the one

why

dered that

it

we had it

was three weeks

of Hawaii was very different from

crossed to the north.

was so

different

later in the

the winds were just that

Don and I

—whether

We

was the

fact

season or whether in these waters

much more

constant and strong.

whether Hawaii had changed our perspectives. differently.

it

both won-

Or

We certainly acted

maybe exchanged twenty words

the

first

two days

at sea.

Thirty-five days at sea, only to fetch

malls

and

Don and

McHappy I

up on

a shoreline of strip

burger wrappers swirling on the pavement:

had gone nowhere. The gloom between

gut ache and

I

head between

my

stared

all

around

at the sea.

knees and forget

all

I

of this.

us

wanted

Then

a

made my to

put

wave

my

rolled

the boat from side to side and dishes flew everywhere, smashing

THE WATER

108

all

around Don, and both of us clung

power of the wind and the

The

No

five knots.

the boat flew

we

sooner had

up

into the air

wave. She did this

we were again nauseous and up top and sole

his

near.

The

clamp and,

like a

steadily at nearly thirty-

and down into the trough of the next

We had lost our sea legs and soon

perspiring.

Don nodded and went

and covered

was

cleared the harbor at Waikiki than

night long.

all

BETWEEN

trivial.

wind howled

night out, the

first

on us

sea pressed

made our moods seem

thankfully,

to whatever

IN

I

said that I'd prefer to stay

down on

below, lay

head with a blanket.

wondered

I

the cabin

he wasn't

if

only making his seasickness worse, but he seemed uninterested in conversation so

down

I left

the hatch

—

I

him

alone. Later that night,

retreated back into the cockpit

my head

tea

—and

I

whole chest shaking.

jerkily, his

and did without

tea for the rest

We had spent perhaps a thousand hours within a few

of the night. feet

of one another, yet

and

I

the

stuck

was thinking of making some

heard him breathing quickly and I

I

up

stayed

could say nothing.

I

top, out of Don's way,

The morning came

and shook the

reefs

out of

sails.

The wind remained

very fresh and the boat heeled over to her

gunwales and stayed there. Don, lying on the cabin

Mouse on her gunwales; me

made

a

hundred and

sixty miles that day;

spinning and slick until

"Do you

boat just flying.

it

of us groaning.

We

was astounding. The

by the next wave

It

south, with the

its

Speed in a sailboat

The horizon

through the

much

wind

seemed impossible that

had dribbled

frightening. flying

lifted

think you're carrying too

Onward we pounded

before.

all

under the stern and behind us were whirling eddies,

water roiled

vessel that

—

in the cockpit

the Sea

sole;

air,

way at

tilts

train.

sail?"

Don

called up.

off our stern

this

and the

could be the same

over from the mainland a

open

sea

is

potent:

it is

month

obvious and

over thirty degrees and ocean starts

but there

is

surprisingly

little

noise.

There

KEVIN PATTERSON

is

109

wind, which predates the

just the

be there anyway, and there gling as

fact

of your speed and would

the water rushing by the boat, gur-

goes. Every other fast thing

it

on the open ocean

sailing fast is

is

is

like

is

loud and exhausting. But

nothing

When

else.

too much, you go below for an hour to heat up

make some

The boat

coffee.

months. After a while

it's

goes just as

fast. It

the spray

some soup and

could go on for

easy to feel like a passenger.

You just have

hang on.

to

How

hard you have to hang on

strength of the wind, but

which the boat

tries to

much more

proceed

of the experience of being angle.

On

coming was

at us nearly

On

face.

this stretch

partly a function of the

importantly of the angle at

relative to the

at sea

on

we were doing

a sailboat

wind. Every aspect is

nuanced by

a close reach

—

little

and comfortable

When we

at a nearly constant heel.

and we had been heeled over on our

faces,

in our

Sea Mouse charged through the ocean and

had come down the coast of Oregon, the wind had been our

this

wind was

the

perpendicular to our course, just a

this tack the

stable

is

sides for

right in

weeks

at a

time, beating.

The

spirit

of a boat on a beat

is

one of forbearance; the boat

proceeds slowly, slamming into oncoming waves and nearly stop-

ping completely against the largest of them. Water sweeps back over the boat from the

becomes wet.

If this

bow and

was what

sailing

wouldn't have been a sailing keel laid

we were on brushing

we

everything and everybody

was

a beat for long stretches of time

my teeth

and writing

in

like all the time, there

down since Watt's I

day.

found that

my journal.

I

When

stopped

Instead of cooking

of a can and rinsed the spoons in the sea and

ate beans out

threw them back in the drawer.

Which while

it

to say,

is

will take

When

the

you can go

its toll.

wind

against the weather, but after a

That sounds whiny, back on

strikes the

shore.

boat from slightly behind,

perpendicular to the course but a bit to the stern, this reach. is

When

the

wind

called running.

strikes the

Most of

is

is

nearly

a broad

boat from directly behind, this

the open-water

work done by small

THE WATER

110

boats

is

in the direction of the trade winds, westabout,

preferred tack

is

run, a sailboat seems to

move

more

and

progress.

The

way

easiest

spirit

ning, the Sea

and

it

of a boat on a run

Mouse flew two

was

is

less

On

run.

a

like a river

but

feel slow,

There

and so the

it

is

the

struggle but

the same with the sea and the wind.

It is

is

one of ease and peace. Run-

headsails only,

one from each of her

as straight as a toy pulled

needed to be steered with her

scarcely

in fact

may

to get anywhere.

twin forestays, and sailed

The boat

Think of it

the slowest.

current. Traveling with the current fastest

downwind

the easiest course: the dead

BETWEEN

IN

difficult to

but dead downwind. With

on

a string.

sails set like this

persuade her to maintain any course

little

boat motion, and only the gentlest

of winds moving across the deck,

this

was the country-club-after-

noon-cocktail-party of ocean tacks.

On

a reach (wind perpendicular to your course) the boat

heeled dramatically,

went very

fast. It

and took

seas

on the beam, from the

side,

and

was often wet, and the Sea Mouse was not quite

so easily balanced as

when

she was running but,

ble to set the sails

and the wind vane so

You must remain

attentive, however,

that she

still, it

was

possi-

was steady enough.

and gin gimlets

are out of the

question.

For most of the

first

two weeks back

at sea, the

wind was steady off wind

the quarter (broad reach), and the seas were reasonable; the

vane worked for days days were strange.

The

without needing correction. These

boat steered herself, surging along quite

own volition. The sense was that of being on a horse knew its way home and wanted to be there badly. Our only

clearly

that

at a time,

of her

purpose was to keep the coffee hot and watch for a wind sea change.

Which,

going exactly where only whether

in the trade winds,

we wanted

we were going so

Day after day the

is

uncommon.

to go; if there fast that

shift or

We

was a concern

were

it

was

the rig was being strained.

boat surged along needing neither attention nor

1

KEVIN PATTERSON

guidance;

1 1

became hard

it

to imagine that

ever would. This was

it

way to think. The point when a lot of wind becomes too much wind is

a dangerous

ficult

but very important

became sea.

when

clear

the

What on earth was

in that

wind? At

been worse.

Most

least

moment

sail I

it

We were

started to rip.

a dif-

My inattentiveness

to identify.

week out

a

to

thinking anyway, carrying that

much cloth

wasn't the mast that went.

might have

It

Idiot.

boats at sea will carry five or six headsails to suit precisely

The Sea Mouse had two. Since one, we acknowledged the prompt

wind had

the sea conditions.

the

ripped the big

to put

on the Sea Mouse were

smaller one. Sailing strategies

up the

rarely a sophis-

ticated matter. I

dug out the

tear. It

palm and needle and began sewing up the

sail

went so much slower by hand in Hawaii.

the

sail loft

my

stitching

The

bunched up

sail

was clumsy and

in the cockpit than

in

had

it

in

huge wrinkles and

chewed on

my

lip

and

spray swept across the deck.

The

childlike.

I

wrestled to line up the edges of the ripped seam.

The wind grew stronger and sail

went over and into the

nearly

moment. The

sail

mainsail.

The

The

into.

seas

caught

we were

its

side

beating.

wind because of the mounting

Don finally came up top. now too big for the wind vane to

pulled

down

the

sails

Don made

first

tea.

long time to

fall

time since

We

drank

I

was

as

and

lay

down.

asleep in heavy weather.

something other than there

we had left Oregon it

sail

I

it

kept

we took

steer;

a day

and

slept.

a

As

us the rigging shook

the whole boat so hard the vibrations could be

For the

seas

and went below and

companionway hatch behind

the

doused the

and plowed along, slower

were

we

we closed up hull.

I

helm and were quickly exhausted. After

turns at the half of this

until

boat settled in on

despite the growing

slamming

I

at the last

was packed away. Too bad. The wind picked up

and veered around

further

sea but

it

It

felt

through the

behind,

I

felt cold.

always took

wanted

me

a

to think about

trim and compass headings. For a while

worn down by

the sea as

I

had been by the

artillery

THE WATER

112

regiment. As it

I

had done on

to pass. Unlike then,

In Hawaii

I

it

I

waited for

had bought more Chatwin: What Am I Doing Here I

bought more Paul Theroux, Jonathan

I

The Travels of Marco Polo and Herodotus's The found a bruised paperback called Great Novels ofE. M.

which did not include

Forster,

enough

Book

prairie,

Coasting,

Histories.

pect

on the

BETWEEN

did.

and Anatomy ofRestlessness.

Rabans

my couch

IN

that

it

A

Passage to India

had wound up

and so was

in the sale bin at the

sus-

Honolulu

Store along with calendars that featured the Beaches and

Bathing Beauties of the Aloha

down

to the boat

asked where

I

State.

by the bagful and

thought

I

had carted these books

I

Don had

was going to put them

looked all,

me and

at

the Sea

Mouse

looking more and more like an overfed Sea Hamster.

we were already deep into our own minds. The cognitive dissonance

Before coming ashore in Hawaii, the jungle, at least in

presented by frozen-yogurt shops on every corner was confusing

and disappointing. We were adventurers. Where were the

gates of

Where was Oxiana, under the dunes? After we docked, Don had scampered down the dock to call the Hawaiian friends

Lhasa?

he had been describing to latitude

me

affectionately for thirty degrees of

and twenty of longitude.

I

was

left

standing there, won-

dering where the prayer platforms were, looking around for

something unfamiliar. This

will

the ocean for over a month.

I

sound

naive.

But we had been on

expected the foreign and exotic

beauty of the fantasy landscapes from

my winters

on the

artillery

base.

And

this

disappointment was what had

left

Don

so quiet too.

In the years since he had last seen his friends, he had

remember them his friends

friends

as exotic

and welcoming

come

intimates, not at

back home, so predictable and

familiar.

all like

His Hawaiian

were adventurers too. They did interesting things. Like

Sailing to see them.

to

us.

KEVIN PATTERSON

113

Don had found

But

those friends working as security guards

and bartenders and struggling and the course of the two weeks

we

with their marriages. Over

failing

spent there,

wore him down.

it

didn't

complain while we were tied to the dock, but once

came

out.

Whether

You had

to

every place

is

shmace"

"Place, It isn't

neyers.

the arrival,

Us, that

Pacific,"

wonder

it's

the journey.

glances at

sive

a few days after arriving in

my hair

and pausing

dock

as

someone

ostensibly

I

me

else's

in the bars

by the dockside

North

Michigan made the mistake of asking help me,

I

spent an entire

I

Pacific.

me

A

Mental Attitude

irritated faces

dentist

was

I

just starting to

Long Distance

for

fled.

looked

I

everywhere within earshot. Briefly

and did not

took about

left

that bar

minutes for

my

preposterously swollen ego to reinflate.

Don

from

tell

I

chastened,

people

him more and, afternoon braying to him about to

Passage-Making when he extricated himself and

around and saw

more

took about ten seconds

the relative merits of split rigs versus sloops. get into the Appropriate

little

When

virility.

I

of rigging

detail

boat and paused to exude a

to launch into the gales of the

God

"Dock queens,"

examined a

confident experience and raw, throbbing

spoke to

to pluck a

in Waikiki, casting dismis-

the other pretty boats.

all

pronounced them, design on

precisely, the jour-

"Three thousand miles across the North

is.

strolled along the

I

And more

"not too bad." Puffing myself up like a tenth-

hair,

grade tough,

said.

thought, staring out at the turquoise ocean.

I

Hawaii, straightening the part in

long nose

it

just like the last one.

remembered thinking

I

at sea,

was any escape, he

if there

He

return.

It

five

What

put up with.

Ego and the

traveler: at the

the choice of the tourists

who

hours. There Tilley Hats

word

end of the twentieth

"traveler" drips

century, even

with vanity. All of us are

home from anywhere we want in about eight nowhere we can go where our shiny faces, hideous

can get is

and too-large nylon packs would be unfamiliar

we imagine a place

if

anymore. But

was an insight unavailable to

this

to those

to be exotic, we're not, not

being toured. Even

me

at the time.

I

THE WATER

114

was

sallying forth into the void, seeking

only dreamt of by the BarcaLounger

myopic and ancient dogs one

BETWEEN

IN

knowledge and experience

Think about those

set.

obese,

sees in the yards of marginal farms,

in hill country or the northern edge of the prairie. Trotting out

around the rusting

and

threat of visitors

women

and

Gore-Tex, and

Out tle

at leaves

stride off

systems to guide

and gasping furiously

cars

them

moving in the wind. And young men

from the suburbs with across the

as safe as

I

anyone not actually

at sea again the self-conscious

my reading.

returned to

by Chatwins idea of what the now, when tled.

I

And no

in

in a La-Z-Boy.

posturing finally

let

up a

lit-

and the absence of an audi-

had never been more preoccupied than

traveler represents to the settled

had pronounced myself a

I

satellite-navigation

mountains or the ocean, clad

in the face of rubbery-legged nausea

ence.

imagined

at the

and not

traveler

at all set-

longer confined, either to a small military-owned

bungalow on the Manitoba

prairie, or otherwise.

Chatwin and

his

contention that the traveler represents redemption to the house-

owner appealed very much

to

my vanity.

for one,

I,

was pleased

to

redeem any number of sallow-faced suburban homeowners.

wanted

I

to bask further in

scendent superiority of my all I

had been able

Palmyra.

The

new

to get of

bright sun

Chatwins approval and the existence.

Chatwin,

I

we charged south

sea, I

as

I

to

entered

could adopt whichever

wanted. There was no one around to

Except Don.

snort.

as

launched into reading

and windburned days receded

another more interior landscape. At posture

I

tran-

roll their eyes

and

Who was thinking about his own stuff.

Chatwin spent much of his adult in the

Andes and Patagonia,

India.

He

wrote of these

life

Australia,

travels

walking through deserts

North

Africa,

with authority,

as

China and

though he had

been born on a migratory trek somewhere on the steppes. The

same

refrain

is

repeated over and over: admire the pastoralists, the

nomads, and pity yourselves, objects too heavy like me.

This

is

and valuable

soulless city-dwellers,

to carry

owners of

on your person. Be more

from What Am I Doing Here:

KEVIN PATTERSON

I

went

the

115

to the Sudan.

Red Sea

Nomad

On

camel and foot

trekked

I

my way through

and found some unrecorded cave

hills

paintings.

guide was a Hadendoa, one of Kipling's fuzzy- wuzzies.

and a pot of scented

carried a sword, a purse

He made me

ing his hair.

by the time

I

feel

My He

goat's grease for anoint-

overburdened and inadequate; and

returned to England a

mood

of fierce iconoclasm had

set in.

The complex mixture of ideas appealing

is

makes Chatwin's ethos so

that

present in this short excerpt.

vanished existences

—

the same thing

—

about cabins in the forest

Firstly,

we

the nostalgia for

find in Tolkien tales

his guide "carried a sword," even.

And

the repudiation of materialism that echoes religious asceticism ("trekked

my way

through the Red Sea

hills"),

and

finally the

promise of veiled and foreign beauty. Scented goat s grease for anointing his

hair.

You can

practically hear the shouts in the

bazaar, smell the charcoal fires roasting spits

eyes

and inhaled

of sheep.

I

closed

my

deeply.

Don emerged from below to come sit in the cockpit and watch the ocean fly past. He was still very subdued. I distracted myself with Chatwin but Don was braver. He seemed to be determined to understand why he felt the need to move so badly and why he felt so badly

on the move.

Greece.

We

went back

It's I

was

as

blue and bright as a postcard from

exchanged glances.

to

so easy to

It

He

stared out at the horizon.

I

my book.

fall

in love

with the author

came away from Chatwin persuaded,

gion of restlessness.

when one

loves his book.

sold, converted to his reli-

A whole other way of valuing the world seemed

—

:

THE WATER

116

suddenly by,

clear; that it

was evident

was a tenable worldview, and possible to

man

of this

in the life

olutions. Disdaining possessions

and thinking about

and valuing

But out on

rev-

truth.

should never have read about Chatwin except

himself.

live

Chatwin. Walking through

the rain along the coast of southern Chile,

I

BETWEEN

IN

this ocean, after leaving

as

he described

Hawaii,

also read

I

Paul Theroux s Granta essay published shortly after Chatwin died.

Theroux seems genuine

in his affection, but spends the largest

Chatwin

part of the article excoriating chiefly the details of his life Later,

I

read

and corrosive and that

this

all

manner of faults

more Theroux and understood

storytelling is

for

he withheld from the

directed

is

that his dyspeptic

typically at himself,

approach to what he thinks

his art, his

may

recording. Chatwin's ghost, then,

thought him worth the

more

reader.

effort

worth

is

be flattered that Theroux

—Naipaul

probably

One

isn't.

might have hoped that shared experience would prompt Theroux

and

to be sympathetic to his friend

missing the point. There resents at

wearer.

some

among

travelers

—each

to be the only person there, the only person

ever to have been there. get

collegiality

would be

another every other pink-faced ugly-hat-

level or

Each wants

no

is

colleague, but that

away from people

The

urge to travel begins in this desire to

Self-contempt and misanthropy are

like you.

the parents of peripateticism.

The end of the millennium

filled

is

with each.

From Theroux's dermined to a ituality:

few

cruel essay

great extent his

it

emerged that Chatwin's

own

ideals

about mobility and

he was himself an obsessive collector of objects. In

years,

would be compelled

dwelling on his manners

was

objects

is

and

He was

as

he became more

precision. This

where, in Anatomy of Restlessness

is

ill,

spir-

Paris,

and

that

sick then,

and

afford,

ungracious, but the real

he was turning to

objects of beauty

to return.

un-

his last

he went on lavish sprees in shops in London and

buying jewelery and paintings he couldn't possibly his wife

life

point

by

all

is

that

it

accounts

what he had written

else-

KEVIN PATTERSON

117

Luxury hampers mobility. The nomad

leaders

knew

that overindul-

gence threatened their system. Civilised ways were insidious. Attila

drank from a wooden cup and Chingis Khan lived in a yurt to the

end of his days.

—he

Chatwin's relationship with possessions was complicated delighted in luxury, his writing,

he

its

hampering of mobility notwithstanding. In

what he loved

reviles

—

his

misanthropy, like

Theroux's, does not spare himself.

As a young man, Chatwin worked

for Sotheby's.

Here and Anatomy ofRestlessness both include his years

with Sotheby's

astonishingly

young

He

that institution. early on, in the

He

is

age,

as

an autodidactic

he reminds

us,

What Am I Doing

lively

anecdotes from

art appraiser.

At an

he became a director of

describes the certainty that he developed very

judgment and superiority of his

"eye."

coy about the circumstances behind his departure from

Sotheby's; he describes a mysterious ocular ailment that caused

him

to

awake one day

No

"half-blind."

organic cause could be

found. Like some Victorian consumptive, our young hero to find health in the

open horizons.

It

wasn't the only time

sets

Chatwin

described himself as suffering from an improbable-sounding ness; before

he died he explained

his

more

sounded exotic as if

to

familiar,

more

ill-

wasting away as a consequence

of having become infected by a Chinese bone fungus. died of the

off

lethal

AIDS,

the

lie

that

him just seemed pathetic and obvious.

When

he

may have

It is

almost

he didn't want to be believed.

Chatwin was

entitled to dissemble about his health

ters are private.

And

there

is

—

these mat-

nothing to say that because an author

— THE WATER

118

book must be

has been untruthful, his

about him,

too.

But

as

I

IN

BETWEEN

mans

accepted the

more

learned

became uncomfortable with how completely

I

had

I

Chatwin proposed a new way of living

ethos.

and of valuing the world. Move, he urged, and the worst of you your possessions, your position follow you. Lying about his the plague, protected

him

—

will

be

left

behind.

his wife

best will

the early years of

illness, especially in

—and

The

—from

a malignant

and

despicable social revulsion, preserving his position. His possessions

—

well,

hard to begrudge him the comfort he found

it is

he became confined to his wheelchair and

lost his hair. Still,

a prophet has staked out the turf of asceticism,

ting to inside

watch him return

Much

it.

to the tent.

the worse

if

youve

Even

left

it is

as

once

always upset-

if you're sitting

happily

the tent yourself, and are

trying to remain outside.

reread the introduction to

I

intended to

'story' is

work."

On

the

alert the reader to the fact that,

may fit the facts,

closely the narrative at

What Am I Doing Here: "The word

first pass,

however

the fictional process has been

the statement had hardly seemed out-

rageous: travel writers are the original impressionists. But as there, in the bright

my friends

from at

me

which

about the it

was

places

man and

built

had the same

hot

and the

equatorial sun, sailing south

on a

life.

his beautiful ethos

all.

sat

knew, a question began to gnaw

fantasy of what he

fantasy, after

near the end of his

I

I

and away

and the degree

wanted

Chatwin wrote

to

his life to be.

I

that introduction

Perhaps he was perplexed by

how

depen-

dent he had ended up being on the city and the place he had

found

in

it.

A

place that

had been accorded him because of the

books he had written, condemning the sat there

I

—

quiet

if

on

my

bouncing boat with an intimation of

even Chatwin couldn't

here, emulating

him?

city.

realize his ideal,

dis-

what was / doing

KEVIN PATTERSON

In Granta

119

Theroux

much

describes Chatwin, "never

of a moun-

taineer," at a dinner at the Royal Geographical Society, "speaking

animatedly about various high mountains he had climbed." Beside

him was Lord Hunt,

leader of the

successful Everest ascent,

first

and Chris Bonington, conqueror of Nanga Parbat, both of them entranced.

"He had

of them one-man

plans for further assaults and expeditions

—

all

no oxygen, minimum equipment, rush

affairs,

the summit."

The

of their enhancement was perhaps what mattered to

fact

Chatwin

—

their experience

and knowledge of this world notwith-

standing, they were cast into a reverie, a

was a

dream world, by him.

He

storyteller.

And in pushing people to climb mountains or sail across oceans storytellers are a part like

he never

And moved

of those adventures. And, anyway, cork-lined room.

left his

make

readers to

Chatwin died

who knew him

no

I

arms of

know that he was

deserts.

themselves.

his wife.

Many

people

married. In his autobio-

reference whatever

In the Granta piece, Paul

walked across

manner of trips

in 1989 in the

did not

graphical writing,

all

He

wasn't

it

is

made

to his sexuality.

Theroux wrote:

used to look for links between the chapters, and between two con-

versations or pieces of geography.

"Why do you "Because

it's

think

it

put them in?

matters?" he said to me.

interesting,"

you're writing a travel

Why hadn't he

I

"And because

said.

book you have

to

come

I

when

think

clean."

This made him laugh, and then he said something that

I

have

always taken to be a pronouncement that was very near to being his motto.

clean!"

He

said

—he

—

screeched

"I

don't believe in

coming

THE WATER

120

After

Don and I had exchanged a total of about five sentences, and had been read and placed back on the

a stack of books air

of intensifying

a shriek of wind.

silent

preoccupation was

one

Don

side.

and we raced

made below

it

and the boat lurched

dashed up the companionway and

to the

as the air

temperature

froth.

"Where did "Man,

I

by

I

over

far

followed

mast to douse the main and genoa and barely

"Holy smokes,"

"It's

earlier

and the boat righted and the

around into a

shelves, the

at last interrupted

A jet of rain flew out of a wall of cloud that had

not been there twenty minutes to

BETWEEN

IN

that

We were

fell

squall just howled.

and the

We

got

rain beat the water

all

both soaked and panting.

said.

I

come from?"

have no idea."

do

nice to have something to

for a change."

"How far are we from Palmyra?" Don got up to plot our position on

the chart.

"A hundred miles." I'm glad something

"Jeez,

right into

woke

us up,

we

could have plowed

it."

"Listen, I'm sorry for being so

mopey.

I

don't

know what's

got

into me." "Shit, don't

worry about

it, I

thought /was the one being

anti-

social."

Night

fell

and the

rain continued like loose change in a washer,

the whole cabin top vibrating with In the morning,

we

its

force.

hoisted a small headsail and the mizzen.

We crept along and the next day, by the GPS position, we were fifteen miles from Palmyra. We searched the horizon for any sign of land but there were only gray line squalls marching across the If

sky.

thought we were then the

GPS

a

good

we were not where we and we could be anywhere. Not such

wasn't working

thought on such a big ocean. Think about that Sudden paralyzing doubt. so at sea.

A low atoll like Palmyra

Think about

no chronometer trying

is

only visible for ten miles or

the navigators with only an astrolabe and to find

an island

like this.

They could have

KEVIN PATTERSON

gone around in

121

circles for

scanning the sky by day.

weeks, listening for surf by night and

And

would have done, reading

they did. Think about

Celestial

how well we

Navigation in Ten Easy

Steps,

holding the sextant awkwardly and trying to judge the angle from

sun to horizon to within a few

sixtieths

of a degree.

We crept closer and watched very carefully for palm breakers and then finally

Don

appeared on the horizon.

It

surface of the water.

trees

and

pointed and a gray-green fringe

looked

like a streak

of mold on the

Qhapter $even

Wreckage Washed Up In the great quietness of these winter evenings there clock: the sea. Its

dim momentum

upon which

writing

this

water, licking

of the

delta, boiling

upon

mind is

one

the fugue

made. Empty cadences of sea-

is

own wounds,

its

in the

is

sulking along the mouths

—

these deserted beaches

empty,

forever empty under the gulls: white scribble on the grey,

munched

by clouds. If there are ever

before the

land shadows them. Wreckage washed up on the

pediments of islands, the stuck in the blue

.

.

here they die

eroded by the weather,

last crust,

maw of water

sails

.

gone!

LAWRENCE D U RRELL, Justine

had been Roger on

careful to

our chart of Palmyra.

draw in the unmarked hazards

The pass through

lagoon was dangerous. "You must enter

the reef into the

this pass at a

head-

ing of forty-three degrees north magnetic," he told us, stabbing the chart with his forefinger for emphasis.

"Gotcha. Forty- three degrees," "Magnetic,"

Don

reiterated.

freighters, fishboats too.

very careful."

This

is

this

on the

us.

He was

chart.

said.

Roger appraised

sum of dog food in many broken boats on

ing a considerable

"There are

I

He wrote

invest-

this voyage.

the reef here, sailboats and

not a marked harbor. You must be

KEVIN PATTERSON

123

Don

"Very careful,"

"Of that

reef,"

And now

here

said,

added

I

we

nodding.

helpfully.

We

were.

crept along the outside of the reef

when we

looking for the entrance and darting back out to sea

Don

ted coral heads until finally

remained

on

at the

When we

coral.

We

exhaled.

helm and waited

was certain he had found

Palm

shining white sand at angles that

still

trees

The sand was unmarked and

buoys.

was very

It

quiet.

waters of the lagoon

hung

would not be

big blow.

more

we could

closely,

among

Then,

we

stable

there were

come

no

the next

lights

and no

We wondered if Derrick was still there.

end of the lagoon, we saw a

Looking

left.

cautiously

moved toward

it,

blue boat at

little

a small rowboat was

man

fat

rowed toward us with evident enthusiasm.

He was

in his

fifties

grizzled

deeply tanned and his boat was only just able to hold him. like a

It

see white-with-bird-shit concrete block-

launched from the shore and a long-haired

looked

we

the trees. Uninhabited but not unspoiled. Eerie.

at the far

anchor. As

I

together over the

had been more than two months since Roger had

houses

it.

crunch of keel

for the sickening

emerged into the

studied the shore.

spot-

hamster riding an oyster

He bobbed

shell.

and

He

steadily

closer to us.

We motored until he was alongside. He tied up and we helped him aboard. He grinned and grinned. We told him we had food for

us

him, and for the dogs. Derrick

where

to

"I've

He showed

anchor and we shut off the engine and stood there on

deck and studied the "This

said, "Praise Jesus."

isn't like

"Welcome

island.

anything

I've ever

dreamt of this place

to Palmyra, boys," he said.

seen before,"

for years,"

Don

I

said.

said.

Derrick looked around at the islands surrounding

us.

"Me,

too." Less enthusiasm, there.

He lighted

was from Comox,

and abashed

British

to have

Columbia, and he was both de-

company.

and followed him ashore and then around.

The

We climbed into our dinghy

sat

on the beach and looked

Sea Mouse rode at her anchor gently. Palmyra

of coral-sand islands surrounding a lagoon.

The only

is

a ring

thing that

THE WATER

124

keeps the land above water

is

the coral

reef,

BETWEEN

IN

which breaks up

in big

storms and sends boulders of coral rolling onto the shore. These boulders,

and the sand they quickly turn

the war the U.S. like a string

Navy

built a

into, are Palmyra.

causeway that-linked

all

During

the islands

through pearls and created a road around the lagoon.

The causeway has subsequently eroded and now a rowboat is the only way to travel between the islands. The elevation is nowhere more than

fifteen feet

above sea

level. It

would be

a

bad place

to be

in a hurricane.

Palmyra was discovered by the

under Captain

Betsey,

Fanning, in 1798, after the ship nearly plowed into

Fanning did not land, or name the with not becoming inhabitant.

The

first

He

its

place,

it

Edmond

in the night.

but contented himself

understimulated and coconut-eating

first

continued on past, breathing a heavy sigh of relief.

landfall

was made

in 1802

American trading vessel en route

by the crew of the Palmyra, an

to Manila,

under a Captain Sawle.

His crew spent a week exploring. His dispatch relaying news of the discovery took four years to reach home.

New

island, 05 ° 52'

westmost of which

is

North, 162

06' West, with two lagoons, the

20 fathoms deep,

lies

out of the track of most

navigators passing from America to Asia or Asia to America.

The

next landfall was

made by

the survivors of the Esperanza,

a Spanish pirate ship loaded with Incan treasure. battle

with another ship,

onto Palmyra. After a

its

One

after a

crew managed to off-load the treasure

year, the survivors built

in different directions.

Wrecked

raft

two

rafts

was never heard from

and

set sail

again.

The

other was picked up by an American whaler, with only a single survivor,

who

died of pneumonia shortly after his rescue.

long enough to

tell

his tale, however,

and ever

He lived

since the fate of the

KEVIN PATTERSON

125

treasure has been speculated upon.

No

remnant of

it

has been

found. In 1862 the island was annexed by the king of Hawaii,

hameha

IV.

When Hawaii was in turn annexed by America in

Palmyra was included. In the years since

the early part of the twentieth century

this

American family

in Hawaii.

It

family that had hired Roger. In the

a refueling stop for

World War broke

its

Navy built

patrols.

The only

Pan

Am used

When

a large base

with a five-thousand-foot runway from which

submarine

private prop-

was the descendants of

thirties,

Clipper flights to Samoa.

out, the U.S.

settlement. In

its

became the

it

1898,

has mostly been

it

ignored, the lack of fresh surface water impeding

erty of an

Kame-

it

it

as

the Second

on Palmyra,

conducted

anti-

action the island saw during the war

when

occurred three weeks after the attack on Pearl Harbor,

a

Japanese submarine surfaced and shelled a dredger that was building the harbor. for the rest

The sub was chased away by

of the war bored

and

sailors

the shore battery and

pilots played basketball

and

drank beer and read of the conflagration sweeping the globe. After the war, the American family to the island sued the

navy for

its

who

claimed private

title

return and was successful.

The

could salvage, and

navy pulled out any equipment

it

Within a very few years the

city that

little

had been

all its

men.

built there

had

been reclaimed by the jungle.

When

open-ocean sailing became popular

Palmyra became known

as a beautiful

between Hawaii and Samoa.

Sailors

after

the war,

and very strange waypoint

began making

landfall there,

and soon the remnants of the old base were covered with and

graffiti

bullet holes, calling into question Chatwin's notions of the

redemptive power of long journeys. Today the buildings from the

war have mostly been ever, that

razed.

There

are

plywood dormitories, how-

were built in the 1970s to house Polynesian workers

brought over from Fanning Island, a hundred miles to the

east,

hired to clear the airfield of the encroaching jungle. These dormitories

still

stand but the jungle

is

now

creeping up on them.

The

THE WATER

126

windows have been broken and

In the two

on the

sodden and chewed by the

floor,

months he had been

rats.

Derrick had been everywhere

trees,

in the

it

was

desolate. Coral-sand shores

thousands of

rats

and

morning. Mostly, he coconut

there,

scattered

lies

He promised to show us the interesting places

island.

The

rat feces covers the floors.

metal bed frames are rusting. Mildewed pornography

on the

BETWEEN

IN

said,

seabirds. Unrelenting

and sun. Machine-gun blockhouses, crumbling from the

salt

and

wind water

Don and I thought it sounded intriguing. know why you keep using the word 'desolate,' " Don

used in the mortar. "I don't

said.

"You'll see in the

morning," said Derrick.

The marines had

built a cistern to collect rainwater

worked.

A

pipe ran from the cistern

to,

of

all

and

it still

things, a white

porcelain bathtub, which sat in the jungle surrounded by ferns

and palm

trees.

You could bathe

in fresh

surrounded by seabirds and coconut

filled

carapace.

the tub. Salt and

I

dug the dead

leaves

I

I

turned the tap and rain-

peeled off

my

one arm. 'Desolate?"^

downtown Nanaimo on

Don

face.

I

found

said.

a

Don

found here than

it

charged

I

war

years.

The

smiled and

it

hurt

at the tub.

on the

boat.

No

surroundings, the boat always carried with

of company.

I

waiting with a towel over

Sunday morning."

ever did

When

"The man has obviously never seen

Sunset that night over the lagoon: the isolation

six

skin like a cast-off

even shaved, in halting bleeding swipes.

stepped out and dressed

my abraded

oil

water,

crabs.

out of the tub and plugged the drain. water

and sun-heated

island, however,

it

felt far

matter

more pro-

how

bleak

its

at least the prospect

had been alone

for

all

but the

KEVIN PATTERSON

127

We ate spaghetti had

military

in the dark, sitting

on the concrete ramp the

roared out a steady cacophony and

built. Seabirds

we

leaned back on that astonishingly motionless platform, looking at

our boats bobbing

at anchor.

The remains of

the military's stay

on the

were every-

islands

where. Concrete machine-gun emplacements stuck out of the

broken crockery, scurrying

rats,

tops of the small,

had

too. Rusting derelict jeeps provided shelter to

which were everywhere.

palm

arrived

ashore, but he

Palmyra

is

could see them in the

I

most of what moved on the

fronds;

brown and

first

soil,

island

sizably betoothed. Derrick told us that

on Palmyra, he had looked forward

changed

his

six degrees

mind

after

one night

in the

was

when he

to sleeping

hammock.

of latitude north of the equator; eight

degrees north and south of the equator runs the intertropical con-

vergence zone in a band east and west around the world.

The

merging of the northeast trades of the northern hemisphere with the southeasterlies of the southern creates a stable weather pattern

band of safety

that stays constant even during hurricane season, a

even while the tropical oceans to the north and south churn like a Moulinex. All year long here,

bright

it's

like

summer on

humid wet mornings and towering

and cold

clouds by lunchtime

and lightning before supper. The sky

rain

the prairie:

closes in

and

darkens in minutes, right before one's eyes, throat feeling swollen

and

tight.

Then

wind comes. An hour, or two, of wild

the

and then everything breaks and the night like

powdered

quartz.

mid-summer and year that

lets

cuttings.

On

is

On

is

clear

the prairies this weather

and is

skies

cool. Stars

particular to

experienced as a short and strange time of the

the farmers

machinery and

fix their

rest

between hay

the ocean this daily progression of weather replaces

the sense of seasons, and the whole island turns itself to the sun

and then the expected sense of a day,

and

it's

rain.

The

sense of a year

Alone on an island populated by buildings

all

apocalyptic

around

feel to

it.

is

replaced by the

very strange to lose the larger scale of time.

—

rats

and coconut

as paradises go,

it

crabs, ruined

has a decidedly post-

THE WATER

128

Derrick had spent the

he

in the air force,

half of his working

first

said,

life as

BETWEEN

IN

a photographer

launching into his story without prompt-

he got out of the service he spent twenty years working

ing. After

on the

in a pulp mill

coast of British

Columbia and

cultivating an

intimate relationship with rye whiskey. He'd hurt his back a couple

of years ago and

and

his

union got him a

his wife fell in love

with her boss

disability pension. at the

He

retired

telephone company; in

the space of one confusing year she divorced him, his daughter

stopped acknowledging his existence, his son started patronizing

him. His intimacy with rye whiskey became a passion.

"Oh

—

we thought

boy,"

just as

melodramatic gazes out to

He sion.

was wiped out

The house was

could afford was to

we had

finally

stopped the long

sea.

financially; she got half his disability

sold before he live

on a

boat.

knew

it

pen-

and the only thing he

So he did. Then he woke up

one morning and thought, "Holy Cow," and quit drinking. Clearly a

ward

man

of enthusiasms, Derrick devoted that day able. Bible

meetings replaced

and ultimate fighting gave way

to prayer-session

to living as piously as

draft nights

group hugs and suddenly

one night and the

it

Word. So he But

phone

in

came

his life

had Meaning.

to him: he'd sail

quickly.

The language

his boat

and pointed her a

week out

sailors fear the

down

He

to

sat

on

Mexico

most.

stopped smirking. At

boat

to spread

at all for a unilingual

and they got

this across to

barrier notwithstanding. at

to sea

He

Anglo-

him

pretty

So he loaded up

Hawaii. Thought he'd go right around.

he suffered one of the mishaps that

lost his rudder.

first it

He

told us this

and we

was just bent, and he reinforced

with an aluminum pole and that worked for a

little

while.

one morning he woke up and the entire apparatus had the sea.

his

did.

Mexico they had no use

itinerant lay preacher

About

he was

for-

it

Then

fallen into

KEVIN PATTERSON

A boat is

is

129

three things: a hull, a rig

optional. This

But the If you

choose to jury

loss

of any of these three

sounds

like

like the

would be the

it

catastrophic.

is

one you would

easiest

of the three to

Derrick tried everything he could think of to improvise a

rig.

rudder, but a keel boat under

he broke lashing

sail

after lashing.

mast would have been

much

generates tremendous forces

On

Without

a rudder

easier to repair.

becomes very

—

The

prevailing

Even a small hole

tolerable.

possible to

difficult to follow

vaguely downwind.

out of the east

it isn't

and

the whole, he said, a broken

would conceivably have been

the hull

it

essentials

had a choice, the rudder sounds lose. It

else

are fail-

and the curry paste has gone

ing, seawater has gotten into the fuel off.

and a rudder. Anything

profound solace when electronic devices

is

A small hole.

close to the wind;

sail

any heading

wind

at all except for

in the tropical ocean

returning to the mainland wasn't an option.

could only go west.

He

in

is

He

controlled his northing and southing by

letting his boat lie facing either north or south

when he went

to

sleep at night; he'd drift six or seven miles in whichever direction. It

was pretty crude

thirty miles' if

steerage.

He had an outboard engine and about

worth of fuel. After a month out

he was going to be able to hit the islands

there,

after

all,

he wondered

he was

drift-

ing so far south, or whether his desiccated corpse would drift the

way

On

to Indochina.

It

got him

day sixty-one the Big Island poked up

zon. Derrick pulled the starter cord It

He

turned over and coughed.

chugged out over the the

little

green

sea.

lump on

He

all

thinking.

on

just

his little

pulled

it

above the hori-

outboard engine.

again and blue

pointed himself

as best

smoke

he could

at

the horizon.

His son had reported him missing. The coast guard had stopped looking for him.

was out He'd

there,

He

said his faith

but that afternoon,

lost thirty

pounds and

was only ever stronger when he it

was

fine,

coming

in like that.

he'd read the Bible right through, a

couple of times. Every night he'd listened to evangelical radio shows

out of Ecuador,

first

to the English

and then

to the Spanish seg-

THE WATER

130

IN

BETWEEN

ment. He'd tried to learn Spanish that way; you'd have thought he

had enough time, he though.

He

Then he

but he

said,

failed.

He

did learn

talked about this go.

woman

he met in Mexico while he

She was Asian, he

said.

He said he thought

he'd like his next wife to be Asian, they're so nice.

woman who

mostly troubled

it

seemed.

He had wanted

maybe,

fifty-five

pugnacious manner that was

all

the

I

or

women

a few

and he told us about them

without a trace of self-consciousness. six-two, two-forty

But he couldn't

met

wasn't a Christian. He'd

since he started sailing

cal

to pray

got really good at praying.

was getting ready to

marry a

how

—

lonely

and

to help them, he said,

tried to picture sixty, grizzled

more evident

Derrick,

it:

beard and a

for his evangeli-

enthusiasm.

When Don and I rowed back to the Sea Mouse that night I asked Don what he thought of him. Don shook his head. "I just hope we're not

like that, to other people."

"Evangelical Christians?"

who

"Jerks

"We're not

are

convinced we've figured everything out."

much

like

him, Don."

"We're guys out in a boat, going to deserted islands." "Yeah, but we're half his age, and this

is

adventure for

us,

not

salvation."

"We're

The

all

here for the same reasons."

next morning after

into the island a while.

I

we rowed

ashore,

by himself, saying he wanted

was lying

Derrick walked up.

"Gonna

"I wasn't sleeping,"

I

sleep

all

said. "Just

disappeared

to explore

hammock looking up

in a

Don

at the

it

alone for

clouds

day?" he asked.

looking

at the sky."

"Where's your friend?" "He's off exploring." "I

hope he

doesn't get lost."

"It's

not a big island, Derrick."

"It's

big enough. There's strange things around here."

"Like what?"

when

— KEVIN PATTERSON

131

"Like bodies," he said, trying to be mysterious.

"Where?"

I

It

worked.

asked, sitting up.

"Around."

man named Buck Walker and

In 1974 a

his

companion Jennifer

Jenkins sailed their leaking and marginally seaworthy sloop, the lola, to

Palmyra from Hawaii. There were some things the police

wanted

to talk to

Walker about that he

didn't

want

to get into

drugs mostly. In Palmyra they met an older couple, with the improbable names of Mac and

Muff Graham. They had sailed around

the world in their boat, the Sea Wind, which was by beautifully built

has the patrician air of Fred

Muff looks

all

and well-equipped vessel. Mac Graham,

MacMurray

in

My

accounts a in photos,

Three Sons, and

rather like June Cleaver with a two-pack-a-day habit.

Buck Walker and

on the other hand, looked

Jennifer Jenkins,

like

people you'd see hitchhiking in the rain on the West Coast. Anything but patrician.

The two

The most compelling is

evidence of the antipathy between them

that Muff's skull finally

aluminum

trunk.

It

boat a

month

after the

in 1981, sealed inside

shown up

in

an

Hawaii with the Grahams'

Grahams stopped answering

radio. Initially, the

for theft

washed ashore

bore marks of having been burned with a torch.

Jenkins and Walker had

wave

couples didn't get along.

on

hails

short-

young couple was charged and convicted

of the boat. But on discovery of Muff's

skull,

they were

then charged with murder. Jenkins hired Vincent Bugliosi (who was also the lawyer

who

wrote Helter

Skelter) to

persuaded a jury that Jenkins just didn't to the their

defend

her. Bugliosi

know what had happened

Grahams, that Walker told her they had both drowned when

dinghy tipped, and

Walker got Bugliosi's

life;

Jenkins's trial

book, which

and prurient

how was

detail.

she to have

became

known he was

And the

Sea Will

lying?

Tell,

Mr.

relates all these events in self-aggrandizing

THE WATER

132

book

In Bugliosi's

there

a chart of the island,

is

IN

BETWEEN

mapping

the

events described, the locations of the camps, where different argu-

ments erupted. Palmyra

is

Those who

readily identifiable.

and

a small place visit

so every feature

the island find staying there

an apartment that has been the

like sleeping in

site

of a gruesome

Everyone notices the bathtub for instance. The place has

tragedy.

history that revolves around events other than these, but ever talks about anything

Walker in

Washington. Jenkins

in prison, in

is still

Graham

is

free

and

No

lives

trace

has ever been found and presumably the remain-

body

der of Muff's

nobody

else.

Southern California. The Iola has not been recovered.

of Mac

is

is

around the sea

rolling

floor

someplace off

Palmyra.

"So, Derrick,"

said,

I

across the ocean just "It

brings

me

By this time still

it

"why would you go out and do

by yourself?"

God."

closer to

was nearly dark and the surface of the lagoon was

except for the ripples from the

"How,

that? Sail

manta

rays that glided through.

exactly?"

"There's

no

ready to receive

distractions out there,

Him, God.

It's

it's

easy to see

just you,

and

if you're

Him out there. He is ob-

vious."

you from God?"

"Other people

distract

"No, /

myself from

distract

God

sometimes when other peo-

ple are around. Being weak."

"What do you mean?" "Well,

I

don't always

do

right

by other people when

they're

around."

"You chase Asian women." "I get

angry

at

proud and want to impress people and sometimes

them."

"Me, too."

I

get

KEVIN PATTERSON

"Oh,

I

133

do worse."

Which might have just been

the zealot's insistence

on the most

extravagant confession.

"So

if you're

"Everything

you and Him, one

else well.

not around anyone, you

And

hurt them."

with your relationship to God. Between

starts

that's

can't

what matters.

If that's clear, you'll treat every-

be good to you, mostly."

they'll

Derrick and his wife had lived for

many

years

on an acreage

just

outside of Comox. His wife raised goats there. She was crazy about

those things; she sold milk in

town and the

Occasionally they butchered one, but she did. all

The

kids to other farmers.

felt

goats drove Derrick crazy, got into his hunting gear, shit

over the lawn, bawled late into the night.

the pulp mill and was entitled to

home, not

He

come home

He worked to a clean

shifts at

and quiet

to have to compete with goats for her attention.

did a lot of things to hurt her in the time they were to-

gether; cheated

on

her, hit her,

thing he ever did was

away

awful whenever they

kill

blew his pay on

But the worst

liquor.

the goats one afternoon

when

she was

visiting her parents.

Self-isolation to save oneself

from

one's

own

evil: ascetics dis-

dain most of all themselves. This makes them interesting until one learns that perhaps they are being

ought

to,

and then one wonders

if

they

who would stomp often not likable. And

hard enough on themselves. People

out onto the heath to rave at the wind are

why would

they be?

It's

ate decisions that leads

not a succession of good and compassion-

someone

to decide they

may not

take plea-

sure again.

Roger's

two dogs were wary of Don and

trusting of Derrick.

me and

only a

They had been on Palmyra now

little

for

more

two years

THE WATER

134

and they were not accustomed

at least,

to people.

BETWEEN

IN

Roger fed them

fish that

he speared in the lagoon. Derrick had been doing

too, but

had been chased out by sharks

see the

A week before Don

dog food.

had chased a

rat into the water. It

twice.

and

had

I.

led

He was

had

this,

relieved to

arrived the dogs

them on

a chase over

the coral at low tide, until one of them lunged at the rat and tore

scrotum open on the coral

his

me

doctor he asked

dered

if I

if I

reef.

When

would have

Derrick learned

a look at the injury.

I

was a

He won-

should just castrate the poor thing.

Derrick and

spent a morning chasing the dog around the

I

island. Like in Jack

London's To Build a

the

Fire,

dog kept wisely

The closest I could get was about thirty feet. Finally, dog with binoculars. The scrotum was ripped open,

out of the way. I

studied the

but from that distance

certainly,

Derrick and

I

sat

among

couldn't see any infection.

I

the coconut trees

and debated what we

should do. "Optimally, that should be cleaned up and repaired," said.

just

Derrick nodded. "But

you and "It's

Don

doing

it

on

that

dog with

holding him down."

hard to watch him suffer

"We

like this."

could put him down."

"Sometimes he looks seems

can't see

I

I

like

he

is

in

agony and sometimes he

fine."

"You could

just wait

"Does he need

and

see

how

it

goes."

antibiotics?"

"He needs surgery. If that scrotum abscesses then antibiotics won't make much difference. If it heals in from below without abscessing, antibiotics won't make any difference either."

"How likely is it that it will heal over without getting infected?" It s

a mess.

"Goodness."

"Do you have something you

Don and "Yes."

I

leave?"

could use to put him down, after

KEVIN PATTERSON

Derrick and

I

135

walked around the

stroyed airfield the navy sat

had

built,

We

island.

and the

looked

detritus of aircraft that

on the tarmac, penetrated by shoots of trees and She had run ashore about

a singlehander, had set the sleep.

The

with him.

smashed

had

set

shrubs.

On the

of the island the wreck of a sailboat lay on her side on the

far side reef.

at the de-

six

months

wind vane

earlier, after

to steer

her skipper,

and had gone

to

skipper had stumbled ashore, pulling a crate of beer cans

He

sat there

weeping and drinking beer

on the

to pieces

as his

boat was

Roger found him the next day and

reef.

about bringing gear off the boat.

The

skipper, according to

Roger, just sat there drinking. Another sailboat stopped in Palmyra

en route to Samoa a few weeks them.

When

later

and the skipper had joined

the skipper tried to take the salvaged gear from his

boat with him, Roger had claimed

Derrick and

it

watched the sad

I

own.

as his

boat swaying in the

little

her mast bent forlornly. Even now, you could pretty boat. "That

"Roger

was unkind of Roger,"

a troubled

is

I

tell

surf,

she had been a

said.

man."

"You gotta wonder about someone who would choose to

live

here by himself, indefinitely." "Yes," Derrick said.

The

next day

I

pulled the torn headsails to shore.

concrete seaplane

ramp and began

boat and tidied up the

where and fee

sat

down

and he poured

He

a cup.

ognized

other,

stayed

the

on the

He had

brought a thermos of cof-

said thanks

and kept sewing.

me where Don was; I said he was on the boat, cleanDerrick thought that Don was in spiritual crisis. He recit. I

told Derrick about Don's wife. Derrick said that

have to acknowledge your I

Don

down on

asked

ing up.

that

I

sat

Derrick wandered up from some-

galley.

beside me.

me

stitching.

I

own

sin, as

thought sometimes people

no sinning

involved.

the starting point.

just fall

I

told

you

him

out of love with one an-

THE WATER

136

IN

BETWEEN

"Doesn't happen." I

up

lifted

a sin

"It's

my head.

whenever someone

I

my sewing.

to

Song of Solomon.

disliked Derrick intensely

him.

And

the island

to disturb

itself,

"It's as

isn't as

weird

as

I

from what

know what

and was very uncomfortable around

him

asked

nice as

I

it

I

would be

expected. This

the problem

at night

for years,

from Derrick and

retreated

what the matter was.

you expected,

imagined, but

maybe then

alone here,

said.

which he had dreamed about

and sadden him. He

me whenever he could. I He said he didn't know. "This place

Derrick started going on about the

remember what he

don't

I

Don

different

out of love."

the origin of all sin."

went back

seemed

falls

certainly."

"It's regrettable,

"It is

"To you, maybe."

is it?" I

don't know,

asked.

maybe

if

we were

better. It isn't physically

what

is

atolls are like.

I

any

don't

is."

"Derrick?"

"He talking

me

drives

and

just

and pushy.

crazy. He's so desperate

assumes you want to hear

He

it.

He

doesn't

starts

pay any

attention to the person he's talking at." "I

guess he's lonely."

"Well, he drove everyone 'cause he's out here doesn't

home and

just

the same things aren't gonna

bug

away from him

mean

at

people here."

"You wouldn't want to end up "I don't

I

know how you would," he

spent most of the three days

Derrick

sat

like that,"

with

we were

me and helped.

I

said.

said.

there sewing

up the genoa.

His stitching was tighter and more

KEVIN PATTERSON

even than mine.

137

He showed me how to

seal the

knots with contact

religion.

We had finally negotiated a conversational course clear of We talked about diesel engines and how to swag wire-end

fittings,

about which islands had the cheapest harbor

cement.

anchor in a tropical storm.

I

mentioned that

fees,

how

to

been in the army

I'd

me again that he'd been in the air force. He had learned

and he

told

how to

really

drink there.

We had even been posted to bases twenty

miles apart from each other, thirty years apart in time.

I

told

him

I

He agreed. Sitting there He told me he still missed

thought that the army was mostly stupid. sewing and talking, he was kind to me. his wife.

He

he

said

still

had nightmares about

their fights,

about

beating her up.

Before the marines

came

the lagoon

had been open

each direction. In the gaps between the the surf washed

up over the

reef

that

islets

to the sea in

made up

and into the lagoon, and flowed

out the pass. Since the now-crumbling causeway was water

is

not exchanged and the coral in the lagoon

dying. There are

red snapper; are

the

manta

rays

is

built, the

dead and

and white-tipped sharks and

really just the coral that's affected for

no permanent inhabitants

hard to

on

it's

still

the atoll

now. There

to chronicle these changes, so

it's

know how profound they are. Derrick was going to move month or two. The only reason he was confident that

in another

Roger was coming back was the dogs.

When

wouldn't be for very long. His boat was

steel

Roger did return,

and

rusting. Like

it

him.

In the meantime, the coral refiltered the same deoxygenated

water over and over again. coral heads

The lagoon

paled with deadened white

and the sea rumbled on the outside edge, surf explod-

ing high into the air against the scuttled over

one another

reef.

Ashore, the

in the ruins of the

rats

and crabs

gymnasium, search-

ing for coconuts. "It's

a hard thing to figure out,

ter after the fact,"

Derrick

said.

how you

can make things bet-

THE WATER

138

"Atonement,"

I

BETWEEN

IN

said.

"Yes."

We had delivered the food for Derrick and

the dogs

and the

had been resewn and hurricane season was drawing

sails

nearer.

Already the short-wave was speaking of tropical depressions form-

On

ing off Fiji.

We

had

the other hand,

it

made

sense to stay a few weeks.

found our anti-Manitoba,

finally

thousand

after three

miles of open-ocean sailing.

"We

could hang out here with Derrick a

longer."

little

"That's certainly attractive."

"He would

tell

us

some more about

his religion,

I'll

bet, if we

asked him." "I really

want

to

make Tahiti

before

we have

to stop for hurri-

cane season."

"Hurricane season starting about now, of course." "Well, before

want

"I don't

we

get too deeply into hurricane season."

to stay here."

"When do you want itnn

to leave?"

»

j

loday.

"Okay."

Derrick asked us what our hurry was.

He

thought we were moving on because he'd offended I

reassured him,

and wondered how many times

looked that lonely and vulnerable. to Tahiti, sive,

I

said.

It

was

"Why do you want

to

just that

go there?

they speak another language and they

sand-dollar "I've

bond

just to stay three

in his

life

he had

we wanted It's

make you

months."

always wanted to go to Tahiti."

me that he Don somehow.

confided in

to get

crazy expen-

post a thou-

KEVIN PATTERSON

"Well,

I'll

139

be sorry to see you two

an awl that he had fashioned out of a "It's

for

when you need

to

make

move

sail

on."

And

he gave

me

needle and a bit of wood.

a guide hole for the needle.

When

you're sewing really thick sailcloth."

"Thanks, Derrick."

"Take care of yourself."

We weighed

anchor and motored out of the lagoon.

We were

a mile off the reef when the radio crackled: Sea Mouse, Sea Mouse,

Sea Mouse,

this is Tara, radio check, over,

Tara, this

is

Sea Mouse, we read you five by five,

Roger Sea Mouse. Good Roger

over.

luck, boys.

that, Tara.

Tara out. I

have always found the dialogue of correct radio procedure

stirring.

for

Such

restraint.

Such

dignity.

me.

We pointed

the boat south.

I

fingered the awl he

had made

Qhapter £ight

The

winds were fresh and we moved south

The

gray-green

mold

streak of Palmyra sank

horizon. Strange and otherworldly, all

the

more

striking for

had imagined. That

is

its

its

quickly.

below the

limited beauty was

lack of any resemblance to anything

to say,

it

was nothing

we

at all like Gilligans

Island.

Which mai

tais

is

really

out of coconuts and

never get sent any rity

at

bills.

leer at

for.

We wanted to drink

Mary Ann and Ginger and

We wanted to go where privilege and secu-

endure, and alabaster-skinned movie stars shriek "cannibals,

movements

in the jungle

(We both wanted

On and

what we were looking

and run into the arms of the

skipper.

to be the skipper.)

Palmyra Mr. and Mrs. Howell would have been stewed

eaten. Their bones cut

up and thrown into the

sea.

The

pro-

1

KEVIN PATTERSON

knowledge would have held no currency

fessor's rarefied

the skipper

They for

all

14

would have used the

would have

human

feared the beasts in the trees. Palmyra

There

beings.

is

turn up because they think ited

—by

all

no groundwater

it is

and

there,

professor's glasses to start fires.

uninhabited.

is

only

there. People

Of course it is

not

inhab-

the people looking for an uninhabited island.

South of Palmyra the Sea Mouse entered the doldrums, in the aforementioned intertropical convergence zone. The doldrums a pattern of weather that hangs either tor.

The

air is

thick

is

on or just south of the equa-

and wet and thunder showers erupt

periodi-

cally

with momentarily vigorous winds that shake

from

their torpor, panicking as they scramble for the halyards, to

douse the

sails

in the suddenly roaring wind.

more often than

that, the air

and pitch with her

when becalmed,

sails

there

is

entirely

still,

More

and a

hanging slackly from the

is

an expectation or

sailors loose

often,

sailboat will roll

spars. Elsewhere,

at least a

hope

that the

center of whatever high-pressure system one's caught in will

der on, but here there tic air; it

scarcely

this all year

here, even hurricanes

and

no such hope. This

moves except

round,

equator, won't

is

draw

all

is

much

wan-

permanent and

to discharge electricity,

and

it's

sta-

like

around the world. There are no seasons

do not enter the doldrums, a line

on

a

map and

say "I

will

not cross the

want

to

go there

there."

The word "doldrums"

has

come

to be

synonymous with

depression or stagnation, a leap not difficult to understand the third or fourth

sagging

sails.

day that one

rises in

the

morning

to creaking

and

THE WATER

142

IN

BETWEEN

Wind The wind, the wind. moods: there are ers,

It has nearly as

siroccos,

many names

Santa Anas, foehns,

as

brickfield-

boras, williwaws, chinooks, monsoons. It has, as well,

unrivaled power

to

evoke comfort or suffering,

with fortune,

despair, to bless

to tear

bliss

or

apart empires,

to

alter lives.

jan deblieu, Wind

The

on the ocean

prevailing winds

most important of these tor.

The warmed

is

cooler air from the north these winds

the

warming of the

vacuum

and the

air rises,

from two

arise

and the south.

left

air

The

causes.

along the equa-

behind draws in the

If the earth didn't rotate,

would always flow due north

in the Southern

Hemi-

sphere and due south in the Northern. But because the earth rotates, the

angular speed at the equator

north or south and, tor

to

is

as a

is

consequence, the

greater than air

it is

rushing to the equa-

deflected to the west. In the Northern Hemisphere,

sail

south or west or both; below the equator

north or west or both.

It is

farther

always difficult to go

it's

it is

easy to

easy sail

east.

More circumnavigations are born of these meteorological phenomena than of a desire for a sense of completion, of the poetic beauty of a completed circle. Not that this undermines the beauty.

When

practicalities conspire to assist the

ful thing, the right

response

is

completion of a beauti-

gratitude, not skepticism.

Further away from the equator, toward either pole, this pattern changes again,

and

westerlies prevail.

They do

so mainly in

the guise of storms, however: nasty cold-fueled gales marching in

sequence around the globe, lined up one lite

photos

like

columns of bush

after the other

on

satel-

fires.

Hurricanes are the most feared weather pattern and the most talked about, but these northerly

and southerly

gales

can achieve

a violence that

makes

survival in a small boat at sea just as unlikely

as in a tropical

storm.

And

the westerly gales are far

more frequent

KEVIN PATTERSON

143

than hurricanes, and are reliable and devastating features of both the northern and southern waters. Hurricanes gain their reputa-

much by

tions as

The

capacity for senseless rage. are the larger

problem

to the

—dead

being, pretty

their

acknowledged

gale seasons of the north

open-ocean

difference between forty-foot seas

boat

by

their relative rarity as

sailor.

There

and eighty-foot

and south

much

isn't

seas to a small

much, dead.

In contrast, sailing in tropical waters even in hurricane season is

almost always peaceful.

so constant in direction

The

trades

and strength

blow out of the that

without ever having to adjust either the

we

the radio

listened to the

sail

we went

east

and

days and days

trim or the rudder.

American weather

are

On

service following

the tracks of the Mexican hurricanes across the Pacific, out toward

we knew was peace and ease. Farther north, the lowpressure systems had mounted and the frequency and severity of gales described seemed entirely of a piece with what we had seen Hawaii. All

up

there.

Northern waters seemed inclined toward outbursts and

we had no anger.

water

difficulty

imagining the extremes of that unrestrained

Near the equator, on the other hand, the character of the itself

seemed

gentler.

That

it

was capable

as well

of incom-

prehensible violence seemed incongruous, like the gray and gentle

man

next door

who

always astonishes the neighbors.

Hurricanes are best understood not as water.

Water temperatures

heit nourish

phenomena of air but of

greater than eighty-two degrees Fahren-

them and water cooler than

that depletes them. Hurri-

canes are fed by rising columns of cooling wet

within them condenses out is

released

are

—

as torrential rain,

rain driven as if

common and

Atlantic,

Pacific.

as the

and

on the

uncommon

Pacific

in the north-

exist in all tropical waters except the

are very

water

tremendous energy

devastating in the Caribbean,

They

and they

and

from a pressure washer. Hurricanes

coast of Mexico, in the southwestern Pacific

western

air,

south

in the southeastern Pacific;

cold water currents usually keep those areas too cool for their for-

mation.

They

are called cyclones in the southwestern Pacific,

Bay

of Bengal and Arabian Sea; typhoons in the northeastern Pacific

THE WATER

144

and hurricanes

in the lands settled

by the Spanish

—

IN

BETWEEN

the Caribbean

and Mexico. All of this cially

makes

when you

for a great deal of discussion

are out there.

rarely rains. All there

to

is

do

and worry, espe-

The wind blows from

is sit still

the east.

It

and read about meteorol-

ogy and imagine the worst. I

would have done

well to have read a bit

rology before deciding to go to Palmyra.

more about meteo-

It is

possible to

make

reasonably fast passage from Hawaii to Tahiti, but to do this

a

its

much

necessary to reach eastward to the equator, and to

make

easting as possible before the northeasters switch

around to the

southeast. ficult

Once south of the

equator, proceeding

and southeast nearly impossible.

Tahiti, a

as

due south

quick glance

is

dif-

at the

globe would have demonstrated, was southeast of Palmyra, and just

above the equator. All of which

is

to say, if you're in

to Tahiti, don't stop in

tank or are not the sea.

The

Hawaii and intending to

Palmyra unless you have a very large

at all given to

sail

fuel

long sigh-filled sessions of staring

at

pleasures of languor notwithstanding.

Once through

the doldrums, the trades freshened again and blew

warm and constant. Constantly from exactly where we wanted to go. The Sea Mouse tacked widely across the ocean, trying to claw its way closer to Tahiti. Our hopes for a two-week passage were soon abandoned.

The

southeast trades blow in from the neighborhood of Easter

Island, the bit

of

dirt the farthest

from any other anywhere. The

ocean just goes on and on, from the South American Cordillera almost uninterrupted to the Marquesas, and even those are only a matter of a few hundred square miles of land interrupting millions

and millions of square miles of sea.

Any ation of

understanding of the Pacific must begin with an appreciits scale.

In size

it is

to other oceans as the

Himalayas are

KEVIN PATTERSON

145

to the Appalachians. In area

the earth combined.

it is

Initially, it

larger than

seems

all

the land masses of

easier to sail across this

because of the absence of land masses

—

there

is less

ocean

to run into in

the night, there are fewer shallow shoals, and fewer vessels lying

poorly

lit

and

fishing in the dark.

open ocean.

It is

Freighters travel

along the line between Long Beach, California, and Yokohama, but elsewhere the ocean

is

empty.

sightings of other boats

of which

this

may

and be

still

A sailboat goes many weeks between

this

said.

is

probably the only

warm

ocean

Eventually the enormity sinks

and the progress made even on good days

is

insignificant

in,

judged

against the length of the trip.

Don now spent most of his time up top, looking out at the sea. When we both felt talkative we chatted about movies and motorcycles as

and what the clouds looked

buttered toast and

cockpit than to

lie

it

like.

The

nights were as

warm

was much more comfortable to sleep in the

in a sheen

found ourselves looking up

And

of perspiration below.

at the stars

so

we

and wondering about the

world.

Within our discussions of the merits of four-stroke engines and the deficiencies of American beer, there was an encoded conversation about our disappointment in Palmyra. island strange

by

it

and unnerving but

and, leaving

ferent

it

and puzzling

astern,

often went below

pit

when

when

went below.

did speak, and

Don had been profoundly shaken He was dif-

he didn't return to normal.

—he spoke more slowly and more

He

I

We had both found the

when

I

I

I

was atop and he stayed

assumed

I

was

irritating

finally listened to

him

confidently. in the cock-

him.

When

carefully,

he

another

explanation emerged.

He

saw, in his reaction to the isolated

Palmyra, a

his unhappiness.

He

talked

how much he wanted to go to an island where he could get know the people, and become for a little while part of their com-

about to

way forward and out of

and desolate beauty of

— THE WATER

146

munity.

Corps." tent to

friend

I

"Now

thought to myself,

I

was

IN

BETWEEN

he wants to join the Peace

mired in Therouxian misanthropy, and was con-

still

make fun of Derrick and me and Don, and miss my ex-girland ache. Don had moved beyond me 'somehow; he read the

U.S. Navy's description of South Pacific harbors and wondered

aloud what they looked I

said,

"Probably plenty of Coca-Cola signs,"

like.

my own

amused with

cynicism.

Don

didn't notice.

The southern stars had been creeping up on us as we The big bear disappeared behind us and the cross

south.

in front.

It

became unnecessary

of us was on watch would

lie

crawled

up

rose

to consult the compass; whichever

with his head in the corner of the

cockpit watching the stars above the mast. As long as the Southern

Cross was halfway between the forestay and the starboard shroud, the Sea

Mouse was on

course.

As

before, if her sails

were balanced

and trimmed, she would follow whichever course was

knew the had

to

trail.

The

distance to Tahiti

abandon the

very slowly, and

we

she

again

of calculating our daily progress. But

ritual

these were glorious days

fell

set as if

and

nights.

We

were suspended there in

an existence that came to have a sense of completeness about

it,

independent of departure or destination. Tahiti was an abstraction;

it

came

normal

to feel

and

stare at the clouds

feel

to lie out there

under the sun and

just

the swell of the sea. Losing the sense of

dawdling, of being delayed by our thirty- and forty-mile days was

an improvement. until

it

It is

abandons you

so hard to

abandon the sense of schedule

in the face of large

and implacable

settings.

own momentum, a rhythm unimpressed by anything else. One bright midafternoon the wind finally did pick up and soon we were making better time. I made myself comfortable in the cockpit and looked

The ocean

just goes

at the sails all full

on and on and contains

and the boat heeling

its

over, the

water rushing past

quietly.

Languor

is

modern urban on

underrated.

society except

tightly to the riverbank

Nobody

It is

likes that.

not possible to be immobile in

by dint of constant

effort.

and fighting the current

But bone-lazy

idleness,

is

Holding

not languor.

hours and hours spent

KEVIN PATTERSON

staring at the sky kisses: this

147

and remembering books and birthdays and

a pure pleasure that eludes the productive in

is

confident superiority. Languor the sea and

is

sunny and

is

hot.

It is

it

some

their

and lim-

the idea of boredom, but

colored by idle fancy and the understanding that

great

home near

at

best appreciated in environments of beauty

ited promise. It contains within

all

is

also

things pro-

ceed best with limited attention. Fishing, for instance. If you're always reeling in and checking your bait, you'll only worsen your chances. Relax. In the

army

there

was boredom

profound

as

as that

which oc-

curs at sea, but there was, as well, a self-consciousness that required

one eye to be on the tent

flap lest

the lookout for idleness.

You

be languid

at the

is still

sea passages have the attributes

one's

idle

being done. I

rise to agitation,

making

and of providing the

When

and

pleasure of

in the opportunity

I

have been

have not been able to read agitation does not

way through Tolstoy,

A principal

on

same time. Long

purpose whatsoever, gave

strut in,

be hiding or feeling guilty and

of being both profoundly

something

some prancing major

can't

illusion that

idle

—

without any

the immobility

much

lend

itself to

for instance.

making

a long ocean passage

and the mental inclination

lies

here,

to be able to just

read and read, without guilt or distraction or lingering anxiety that

something

is

not being tended

pass establishes that

all

to.

A glance at the sails and the com-

that can be

done

is

being done. Back to

Chatwin.

The

carrying device of Songlines

a lovely idea.

is

The

land was cre-

who dreamt as they existence. The paths of these

ated by wanderings of the original beings,

wandered, dreaming the world into

wanderings are recorded in the songlines, which describe the geographic pattern of the original wanderings and the that lent reality to the world.

Each separate path

—

bandicoot or of the spiny anteater

is

—

first

dreams

the path of the

maintained by the clan of

THE WATER

148

IN

BETWEEN

that creature, chapters of which are present in each tribal group.

given chapter

A

entrusted with the maintenance of the portion of

is

the song that describes the path as

it

crosses the land that lies within

knowledge.

their

A member of the clan enough of the song and they sing

to take

clan of the

him only

fire

their songs to

may decide songline. He knows

for instance,

fire ant,

wander the length of the

that he wants to

member of the

of the

so

then he must find a

far;

ant in the tribal group next to

When one leaves

one another.

off,

his,

the

other picks up, telling the stranger the path to take. After traveling

some

distance, the

wanderer

stands the language of other

problem, Chatwin

turns out that this

Knowledge and

is

explicit

fire ant.

No

structures of the

literal.

hyperbole, sadly. But

isn't it

a lovely idea?

communication through music, through

and melody and harmony. The music of a journey.

pitch

And

harmonic and melodic

Onomatopoeia made

It

clan of the

for the directions are contained not only

tells us,

in the lyrics but also in the

song.

he no longer under-

will find that

members of the

the delightfulness of the idea

is

an accomplishment

Oh

—

as

my.

was

the entrancement of seasoned and worldly mountaineers by the

expedition proposals of an inexperienced climber.

Chatwin

describes a

man

he traveled with named Arkady.

Biographers have never clearly identified

Arkady,

if

who Chatwin meant by

indeed there was any one man. Part of the time that

Chatwin was wandering the outback and researching traveled with

that

Salman Rushdie. (Chatwin

Arkady was

in fact Rushdie.)

Imaginary Homelands,

dence that the

man

I

When

all

The

some

book, he

at

one point maintained

I

read this in Rushdie's

was pleased, reassured that there was

in fact existed at

all,

that

someone

of had met him. So not everything about the wasn't

his

metafictional

life

I

man was

had heard created,

it

me

as

project.

idea of the "dreaming tracks" or "songlines" captivates

much

as

has been

it

does Bruce.

mapped by

evi-

How could writers fail to love a world which

stories?

I

find myself envying

him

his subject.

KEVIN PATTERSON

He

about

talks

149

it

constantly and

we go

in for long arcane passages

What happens when two songlines cross? Do common lines? Or does one line "burrow" while

of supposition.

the

songs acquire

an-

other I

The London Underground map

"flies"?

keep nagging away

at the idea

of junctions

my

appears in

.

.

mind.

.

Like Theroux, Rushdie considered himself Chatwin's friend.

But even though he

is

more

restrained, his discussion

Later, after the

course"

I

am

Springs, like

book

he

is

is

isn't true. I

who

religion,

is

a

tells

truth

is,

He

is

both

that "of

knowledgeable

obvious model.

Nor

is

Arkady

trailer-park fantasy

my

really exist

mai

tai.

as well as a character

of the dialogue.

sides

power of nomadism and

all

that

—was

of actresses in grass

What good

is

out there somewhere?

idyll

as

—

zero, they arerit zero. Fantasy

to persist that

and limited

skirts

an escapist fantasy

It's

like lotteries

in those

silver

only potent

somewhere out there

days, does anything

At night

is

it

really

is

if

waters, the

as a

guile.

I

if it doesn't

—they

represent

are effectively

the idea

attainable.

worth escaping allow you

warm

the redemp-

manufactured

hope because even though the chances of winning

glow

more

person in Alice

also highly

much more

"of course," that Bruce

Bruce.

calls

wanted

someone

know one

Chatwin's elevated version of the escapist tive

is

damning.

published, Bruce

Arkady. This

he

recognize a single one of our conversations in The Songlines.

I

The

of Chatwin

Arkady of Russian descent,

about aboriginal

do

restrained, perhaps because

is

allowed

But these

to?

wake of the Sea Mouse would

and white with the bioluminescence of the dying plank-

ton in her wake. Bioluminescence occurs in turbulent water; the turbulence sheers apart the

The

contents of those

cell

walls

and membranes of plankton.

cells are released into

the water, including

THE WATER

150

the phosphorus, which

is

what every

immediate source of energy. it

releases all its

at.

form a

left, I

was so bright that

as

I

its

most

the phosphorus hits the water

light that the* eye

may

and

observe,

had seen phosphorescence of

in bright

by the vibration of my

and rapidly moving

circles that

one might think small and frightened Sometimes, when the water was

behind for what looked

to the horizon.

I

this kind. It

walked gently along the dock the minuscule

ripples in the water created

stretch

living thing uses as

In the waters of Genoa Bay, in British Columbia, in the

weeks before we

up

BETWEEN

energy in a brief flash. Millions and millions of dis-

integrating plankton

marvel

When

IN

still

were

lit

spread out so quickly

were moving in unison.

enough, our wake would

many miles, glowing dimly off

like

often looked

fish

footfalls

up from

cockpit at night with a flashlight, like

my

books

(I

read in the

some nine-year-old under

the covers) and watched the line of faintly glowing water brighten

behind us

as

my eyes

accommodated themselves

Southern Cross, creeping up in front of pointing north; there was light

all

glowing wake

us, the

around us

at sea.

As we slowly proceeded south and further out of the convergence zone, the wind gradually

our

faces.

We

remaining always in

—

in flat seas

it is

Mouse would bury

itself

itself

possible to go very

nearly into the wind. But, as the seas grew, the

the entire boat

intertropical

were beating once again. The contrary wind

was not so much an obstacle fast

rose,

The

to the dark.

bow of the

Sea

ponderously in the oncoming waves and

would shudder and

slow, rising

up and out

briefly

then slamming headlong into the next wave. This was hard not just

on the crew but on the

boat.

Two weeks out of Palmyra, I was below staring at the locker full of dried foodstuffs boat shake.

when

I

heard a loud crack and

the whole

We both ran forward and hung our heads over the bow,

looking for evidence of a collision. forestay

felt

The

chainplate anchoring the

had abruptly bent and almost broken.

We

doused the

sail

KEVIN PATTERSON

151

why we

immediately and tried to figure out

The

slack forestay sagged

We

around drunkenly.

and swung

hadn't been dismasted.

in the swell.

shook our heads.

The mast

lolled

Purists disdain engines,

but fortunately there were no purists aboard.

We looked at the chart and calculated the distance to the nearNorthern Cooks, one hundred miles away.

est landfall, in the

was described in the Sailing Directions of the South U.S. Navy:

(9 oo' s 158 00' w.) Lies

Penrhyn Atoll

and

Vostok

Island,

Islands

N group. Numerous low

length, stand

on

is

Pacific

about 330 miles

is

wnw

of

islets,

some of them

several miles in

the reef surrounding the lagoon; they are covered

about 12

atoll is

by the

and most northerly of the Cook

the largest

m (50

ft.).

nw direction

and

with coconut palms which reach an elevation of about

The

It

long in a se to

Vi miles

15.2

about eight miles wide. North- West Bank, with a charted depth

m (22

of 6.7

of the

ity

ft.),

Penrhyn Atoll

are usually E,

Vi miles

nw extrem-

the

at

with occasional

winds between December and March. Hurricanes

form

in the vicinity

unknown

Omoka ated

1

atoll.

The winds

nw

nw from

extends about

(9 oi'

s,

s side

lives here.

Omoka;

it

There

a stone

is

but winds of hurricane force are

will

village in 18.3

(World Port Index No. 55720)

158 04' w.)

of the West

A channel

Pass,

leads

within the lagoon.

wharf here

The

is

situ-

Resident

from the fairway of West Pass

accommodate vessels with

a draft

suitable for vessels

up

up

to 4.3

to 150

ft.

m (14

to

ft.).

in length

m (14 alongside. There m (10 fm). There anchorage in the lagoon in 15 fm,

with a depth of 4.3

sand, with the flagstaff at

is

ft.)

anchorage off the

is

Omoka

We started up the engine. to get there.

atoll,

are said to

here.

on the

Agent

of the

N and

It

bearing 230, distant

would

1

A

l

miles.

take the very last of our fuel

Qhapter HSline

Penrhyn

is

a

low atoll

like

through close

it

her.

A fringing

was narrow.

enough

to

It

reef stood well offshore

was

like her, she

when we were

only crept above the horizon

upon

Palmyra and,

early evening

practically

and the

pass

by the time we were

approach and so we elected to stand offshore that

night and motor through in the morning. All night long

tion to ensure

morning we east

of the

we

we took

turns napping

weren't drifting in the

arose to find that, even so,

atoll.

we had

last

cough a mile away from the entrance

enough

wrong

posi-

direction. In the

drifted twelve miles

We were practically out of diesel and in motoring

back to the island we used the very

we added

and checking our

of it. The engine began to

to the pass. In desperation

kerosene to the fuel tank and the engine ran long

to get us through.

Lamp

oil.

We burned lamp oil as fuel to

KEVIN PATTERSON

153

get through. Breakers the size of semi- trailers erupted

on

either

side of us.

The

of a thin rim of land encircling a six-mile

atoll consisted

wide lagoon. This rim

The

islands.

is

itself

broken into eight motus, or smaller

nowhere more than three hundred yards

islands are

wide. Five hundred people lived in the

little

harbor town of

Omoka, the larger of the two settlements, alongside and upon the sea. They settled here about fifteen hundred years ago, having arrived

from Tahiti in outrigger canoes. All the

island revolves

—within

around the reef

it,

activity

on the

in the lagoon, there

an oyster farm that employs some people. The remainder

fill

is

their

days fishing off the reef for tuna and mahi mahi, and in the lagoon for smaller fish.

atoll

set the

and the

feels to arrive

it

out on the ocean.

safely after trouble

We

how

Everyone would understand

anchor and then we stood on deck surveying the

town

little

visible

through the palm

trees. It

exquisite.

There was a metal-roofed church that shone

and quiet

little

looked

in the sun,

paths along which scooters silently (from that dis-

tance) sped. Children were running after

one another screaming

soundlessly and small, neat houses were visible through the trees,

painted pale blue and orange and purple. the binoculars

and

finally

became so

Don and

I

fought over

we were jumping up

excited

and down.

We piled into

the dinghy

of relaxed-looking and

and rowed

shirtless

ashore.

young men

We

sitting

met

a cluster

on the beach.

"Are you from the yacht?" one of them asked, having just watched us pull in, anchor "Yes, hello,

and row ashore.

what a

scraping to anyone

lovely island this

who might

is," I

replied,

bowing and

potentially be of assistance in fix-

ing the bent chainplate.

"Well then you have to go back to your ship and wait for the

man to clear you in." "How will he know we are here?" He smiled. The young men sitting

customs

quietly.

with him began laughing

THE WATER

154

"He

will see you."

We

nodded,

still

BETWEEN

IN

grinning maniacally, and

turned around and rowed back to the Sea Mouse.

"You know

they're

having us on."

"Shut up."

"The customs inspector wouldn't notice

if

is

hammock and

sleeping in his

and

a coconut crab climbed aboard

shit

on

his

nose."

"Shut up."

We sat on the Sea Mouse and stared forlornly at the town before us, imagining the taste of a cheeseburger and a cold beer. We debated how long we should sit there until we tried again. We studied the

young men on the edge of the

great stone jetty jutting out

from the beach. They appeared immobile, staring

Don

the lagoon. At us.

figured that eventually they

and one of them would row out

their joke

shore after

all. I

«T

Ice cream.

to

tell

tire

of

come

to

was not nearly so optimistic.

cream would be

"Ice

cream and cold beer and a cheeseburger." are a

would

us to

»

"Ice

"You

fixedly out at

nice."

walking heart attack, man."

"Shut up."

"You shut up." Eventually a small boat motored out from the beach. the binoculars

we could

see a prosperous older

man

Through

in shorts

and

a mostly unbuttoned shirt sitting in front of an equally prosperous-

looking younger man, also in shorts, manning the engine. sat so

low

in the water

The Customs held

it

them

it

Officer

looked

submarine about to

had brought with him a

up as they approached.

tie

like a

They

dive.

little satchel.

tossed us a line

alongside and climb aboard.

The boat

He

and we helped

The Customs

Officer was

named Desmond. He and the other man, whom he introduced as his brother, came below. The Sea Mouse looked and smelled like two men who considered themselves easygoing had been living and perspiring in tropical heat for a thousand miles. From the expressions on Desmond and his brother's faces it appeared they were

KEVIN PATTERSON

155

used to a slightly higher their

class

of yacht. They both breathed through

mouths.

make you tea?" I asked. They nodded yes. I made tea. Desmond and his brother collected a few dollars from us and stamped our passports. Desmond asked, "Do you have any tobacco "Can

I

on board?"

We shook our heads

no.

"Any firearms?" No.

"Any alcohol?"

Don and

I

looked

plastic quart bottle

of the

bought in Hawaii, aisle. I

at

it,

held

least

at the

"We do

up.

it

each other and

at

savory

taking in

He

have

this,"

"Now, boys," he narcotics

"Oh around?"

I

hair

said,

imaginable that

admitted.

it,

cleared his throat

my disheveled

and dug out the

rose

we had

Costco, right next to the automotive

unscrewed the cap and sniffed

the cap back on.

rum

I

Desmond looked

and then hurriedly screwed and looked us

and Don's shaven

in the eyes,

pate.

lowering his voice, "do you have any

on board?" no, I

sir,"

we

said in unison.

"Would you

like to

invited him, gesturing about the cabin.

have a look

He sat there and

took in the heaped and pungent clothes, the soiled sea cushions.

He shook his head no. Desmond concluded his that

and returned our

business with us pretty quickly after

passports.

He told

us that he'd cleared us for

we

entry from a customs point of view but that cleared

We

by the department

still

had

to be

of agriculture inspector, another relative.

were to await that man's

visit

before going ashore. "You don't

have any fresh produce aboard, do you, boys?"

"Nothing

and nodded.

fresh,"

And

we

replied in unison.

He

looked

at the galley

then he and his brother climbed back into their

boat and went ashore.

We waved

goodbye. They waved back.

We waited another hour but there was no department of agriwas too much culture inspector. We stared at the shore. Finally it

and we climbed back into the dinghy, which could only hold the

THE WATER

156

two of us

if

BETWEEN

one of us huddled over the other while he rowed.

Children on the beach saw us rowing awkwardly

swam

IN

out into the surf to meet us

fifty

We

gripped the gunwales of the dinghy.

in.

They joyfully

or sixty feet out and

were certain they would

tip us.

"Hello!" they cried. "Please let go,"

we

implored, smiling

tightly.

More of the

grinning children crowded around us and smiled widely up

One boy

tried to

climb aboard and

we

lithe

at us.

shrieked, "Please let go!"

and the boat turned sideways with the mass of children adhered it

like

down a zebra, the Together we all careened into

multitudes of clinging hyenas hauling

waving

oars

to

ineffectually in the

air.

the beach, the urchins screaming with pleasure.

Don and I

felt like

grouchy old people, but we affected happier countenances and

up the beach, with

pulled the dinghy farther

boys helping

several

of the older

us.

We asked them if there was ice cream. They told us, "Not until the freighter comes," in maybe two months. We looked at one another. We asked them if there was a restaurant open. "There food

at

We

is

no

restaurant,"

one boy said, "but you can buy tinned

one of the shops."

nodded and looked around. The

model of

a

South

Pacific paradise in a

place was as perfect as a

bubble

sand that you could shake up and then watch

glass

with sparkly

settle.

There was a

cool fresh breeze blowing in off the reef and the whole village was

shaded by vals

fifty-foot

coconut

trees that

sprouted in regular inter-

along the laneways. Occasionally an adult appeared, walking

slowly along one of the shaded lanes,

who

smiled and waved.

We

waved back.

We

badly wanted to eat something other than the curried egg

noodles that had been our staple most of the

way from Hawaii.

We began looking for the shops the boy had told us about, there appeared to be were small neatly tended houses

metal-roofed church.

We

but

and

all

that

walked back to the beach and asked the

KEVIN PATTERSON

157

boy where the shops were.

He

Don by

him

little

the hand, pulling

houses we'd passed.

He

answered.

off in the direction of one of the

followed.

I

The boy knocked on

was delighted to guide us and took

the front door.

old

man

He

have woken him up.

ticulated.

I

me.

No

was locked.

It

Don and

one

I

followed.

The man

Don and

were embarrassed to

I

led us into his shop

empty

studied the nearly

"The

at

sleeping in a lawn chair.

himself and apologized.

Don and

grinned

ran around to the back and

The boy woke up an stirred

Don

The

shelves.

made

freighter has not

from the back door. old

man

in since three

it

ges-

months

now." There were a few packages of batteries and a box of wooden matches, a few cans of butter and a few dozen bags of fluorescent-

orange Cheez Doodles. There were bottles of Coca-Cola in the cooler

and there were one-pound bags of sugar and of

larger bags

thanked the

and

rice

and

man and walked

scarfing back

bellies

On

bought one of everything and

until

our

we had

and

lips

faces

Cokes

and the

were powdered with glo-orange crumbs,

leaden with congealed salted glue.

the boat

and some

outside, swigging our cold

Cheez Doodles

better part of our chests

our

We

flour.

salt

We were very happy.

read that there was an airport to the west

of Omoka that had been built by the Americans during the Second

World War.

We

had read

people of Penrhyn used

as well that the

an old crashed American bomber from that era

minum

for

plements. clear

manufacturing their

Don

told

me

down that little road. It was that we had been more than felt

found another

little

walked in and looked

and dried

I

walk out there and

it

im-

was

waved goodbye and he walked west

the

first

time in a

a few yards

month and

a half

from one another and

it

refreshing, but strange. I

told

I

source of alu-

own combs and household

that he'd like to

he wanted to go alone.

as a

foodstuffs.

me he was

told

him

I

shop, at the other end of town, and

and tinned

at the similarly sparse shelves

The

cheerful fat

man behind

I

the counter

the Chief of Police, and was a relative of Desmond.

had met Desmond.

He knew

that.

I

asked

him where

THE WATER

158

He

the department of agriculture inspector worked. small building beside the wharf.

I

IN

BETWEEN

pointed to a

bought some more Coca-Cola

and some suspect-looking canned kippers. The Chief of Police asked

me

if

had any guns on board. "Oh" no,"

I

would be okay

"It

if

you

did," he said, "you

them with me while you were

to store

"Well,

told him.

would

just

have

here."

don't."

I

"Okay.

I

Do you want

a

cup of tea?"

Sure.

We walked whether this

across the road to his office.

was going

to be

The

door.

The Chief of Police opened was painted crocus-blue;

office

paper scattered on the

Queen

floor.

The afternoon

to their original resting place.

Elizabeth

Police plugged in

II

wondered

two

in one,

motioning

on the wall and

chairs to the front to

it is

me

to

a

and

forth, returning

There was a portrait of

cuckoo clock. The Chief of boil.

He

porch of the police station and

sat

sit

in the other.

"Yes." "Is it nice there?"

gets pretty cold

"It's

nice.

"It's

never cold here."

"I like it

sometimes."

here."

"There are many jobs

in

Canada?"

"Yes."

New

"Like

Zealand."

"But colder." "Yes." "I've

been to

"Did you

New

like it?"

the only

breeze appeared and

"You come from Canada?" the Chief of Police asked.

It

if

the unlocked

a hot plate and put a pan of water on to

carried

me

have ever seen. There were pieces of

I

the pieces of paper stirred and shifted back

much

I

clear to

some Midnight £x/wtf-body-cavity-search-

crocus-blue police station

pretty

was not

motives were personal or professional.

his

interrogation situation.

wooden

It

Zealand," the Chief of Police

said.

KEVIN PATTERSON

There

"Yes.

159

many

are

shops there. But people are in quite a

hurry." "Its a

problem,"

agreed.

I

"I like it better here."

"Me

too."

"You've been to

New Zealand?"

"No. In the larger sense,

I

meant."

"Oh."

A in

it.

boy appeared on the

As they passed, the

waved back and and

said

said

street,

little girl

wagon with

pulling a

waved

at the

his sister

Chief of Police.

He

something in Polynesian. The boy grinned

something back.

I

grinned.

We

all

grinned.

It

was very

We watched people walk up and down the street. The Chief of Police's wife waved from inside the shop. We waved back. The

sunny.

water on the hot plate came to a

boil.

The Chief of Police

got up

and made us each a cup of tea. After another half hour or so of sitting there, the Chief of

me where I was

Police asked "Tahiti,"

I

sailing to after

Penrhyn.

I left

said.

"Will you be coming back here?" "I don't

know, maybe."

"If you do, will

you bring

me some

.22 shells?"

"Okay."

The Chief of

Police's wife

shop and glanced over "I

at

should get back to

appeared in the doorway of their

him and then disappeared

my

shop," he

said. "It has

again.

been nice meet-

ing you."

"Thank you

for the tea."

"You're very welcome."

There was a phone

make

collect calls.

I

at the

government

telephoned

office that

could be used to

my parents. My mother

She was relieved to hear from me.

It

answered.

was the middle of winter there

THE WATER

160

and they missed me. That hadn't

left

a message.

wonderful time. I

bing

by

had phoned

again, but

She appeared content to me.

at anchor.

belly, I fell asleep

woke when Don

"It's

It

was having a

really

sat

at the I

sat

under a coconut

down

Sea Mouse bob-

down and,

sedated

tree.

beside me.

very beautiful here," he said.

sure

"I'd

I

goodbye huskily and hung up.

walked back to the beach and looked

my full I

BETWEEN

missed them too. Yes,

I

said

I

detective fellow

IN

is.

be happy to stay here

"Well, I'd

like to

still

"Were you

still

if you

make

it

wanted."

to Tahiti eventually."

thinking about leaving the boat

someplace and flying

home

ning low and during our

to

starlit

work?"

down

My money had

chats out at sea

I

here

been run-

had mused about

the possibility of doing that. "Yes." "I

could stay

down

here with the boat in Penrhyn while you

were gone."

"That sounds

"Maybe I

We

I'll

craned

like a

good

find a wife here."

my neck around

had been

idea."

to look at him.

on the beach

sitting

for over

storm began forming in the eastern sky and

we should

get back to the boat to

We

wind came

up.

when the The wind

rain hit

to the

Don

—

it

suggested that

watch the anchor

and suddenly

it

in case the

was very dark and

was too rough

to

row out

warehouse on the stone wharf to take

Another

thunder-

stood slowly and were walking to the dinghy

rose about a second after that, stirring

on the lagoon

A

an hour.

outsider,

up

a steep

to the boat.

cold.

chop

We

ran

shelter.

from the look of him, was standing under

the wharf looking out at the lagoon.

He had

long, graying hair

KEVIN PATTERSON

161

pulled back in a ponytail and wore a Harley-Davidson T-shirt and

speckled cotton shorts. forty or a pretty

good

He

looked

fifty-five.

like

He was

He spoke out of the side of his mouth. pulled

in, are

he was either a

rough

real

deeply tanned and drunk.

"You're in the boat that just

you?"

"Yes, pleased to

meet you."

I

told

him my name, and he

recip-

rocated.

"Hugh, but you can

"How long have you

call

me Bobby

Peru."

been here, uh, Bobby?"

"About a month."

"Where did you come from?" "Hilo."

"We came from Honolulu, by way "How long did you take?"

of Palmyra."

"All told, thirty- four days."

"Well,

I

was

thirty-one,

and went more

directly, so

you did well."

"It felt pretty slow."

Sharp white-capped waves were goon, and the boats

The

rain

was

We had

"I

Bobby ing

anchor were

all

like reeds.

sweeping across the

la-

bucking and pitching wildly.

falling nearly horizontally

were bowed over fully.

at

now

now and

the

palm

trees

We stood and watched our boats care-

to talk loudly to be heard over the

was stuck on the equator

for eleven days,

wind and no wind

rain. at all,"

yelled.

"We spent quite a bit of time becalmed too. It's sort of reassurto know we're not the only ones who go that slowly," I yelled

back.

"Well, you've picked a nice place to come." "It

looks like

"This

is

the

it."

first

weather

like this that I've seen here."

"In a month?"

"Yeah."

"What do you do

here?"

"Drink, mostly," he had to

yell,

over a gust of wind.

He grinned.

THE WATER

162

BETWEEN

IN

"Are there bars here?"

"No. You have to get a permit from the church deacon

name

probably already met him, his

on the

plane.

They won't

me

give

Desmond

is

—

—you

to order

any more permits, so

it

in

me and

some of the boys here have been making bush beer out of coconut milk."

"What does Desmond think about "Oh, he doesn't

"How many

like

it

that?"

too much."

people are with you?"

"I'm singlehanding."

"How do you "It gets to

find that?"

There was a third

same

size as

looking.

I

when

be a drag

I'm becalmed."

sailboat in the harbor, a steel boat about the

the Sea Mouse, French-flagged and a

asked

Bobby

little

battered-

"Have you met any other

Peru,

sailors

while you've been here?"

"A

few. They're

mostly not very sociable. There's that French

family out there. There are five people on that boat.

think singlehanding I

isn't

Makes me

so bad."

looked around the veranda under the warehouse, then walked

closer to the

wharf and looked

at the

Sea Mouse.

I

couldn't

remem-

ber her pitching so violently in any of the storms we'd been the other side of the warehouse,

were indeed

which

who

five

I

saw,

was the French

in.

family.

There

of them, and they were working on their

they'd pulled

up under the veranda. The

father

and

On

skiff,

his son,

appeared to be nearly an adult, were sanding a fiberglass patch

they had applied to her bottom.

smoking

a cigarette

who

looked

waved

and watching

waved back. There was others

I

at

at

them, and the mother,

their boat pitch at her anchor,

who was taller than any of the moment longer and then quickly away.

a daughter

me a

The younger boy wore very thick black glasses and was rolling his own cigarette; he looked about fourteen. It seemed to me that the confinement together on their

little

miles from France, had fused them.

boat,

all

those thousands of

None of them

strayed

more

KEVIN PATTERSON

163

than a few yards from the others. brothers

mate

it

and the

was possible

Where

tive.

father

looked

I

at the

and the mother and wondered how

for a family to be before

a

itself like

wondered what any of them thought about was

beside

Bobby Peru. Don was

wind was

boat; she

Even from shore gear.

clump of mollusks.

When

their lives.

I

the

sat against

staring at the anchor line, less

38

it

though the

worried than before.

was a Hans Christian

and very

I

stud-

beautiful.

could see her Aries wind vane and roller-furling

I

They looked brand new.

"Hey.

their

fractured?

up and we were

letting

Bobbys

inti-

became destruc-

walked back to the wall of the warehouse and

I

ied

what would be

over,

it

was from, children that age generally loathe

I

parents. This family adhered to

trip

daughter and her

Do you

looked

I

Bobby.

at

and your friend want

to

He

come

to

didn't.

my

boat for

supper tonight?" Bobby asked. "Sure,"

I

said.

When

the rain and

Mouse

to inspect her anchor gear.

Enjoy your

it.

let

Don and I rowed

up,

came here and

table. It read: "I

infected

wind

stay." It

back to the Sea

There was a note

there

on the I

dis-

was signed but the name was

dif-

Printed under the signature was

ficult to decipher.

sitting

was nobody home so

"Cook

Islands

Department of Agriculture." The boat smelled of industrial cides.

Which

is

to say, better.

keep the stuff in,

let it

Don sat down ing out

all

around

ful as this," I

he

its

work.

in the cockpit us. "I've

said.

He

closed the cockpit hatches to

and looked

"It's

looked to

lagoon stretch-

me

like

he was in

love.

from the cockpit bench

down.

hurricane season now,"

maximum

at the

never even imagined a place as beauti-

agreed, brushing insecticidal dust

before sitting

for

do

We

pesti-

comfort and lay

Don

said.

down on

it.

I

adjusted

my

cushion

THE WATER

164

"Maybe we should

just stay here."

Hurricane season. Generally described

November to

late

BETWEEN

my cushion.

kept adjusting

I

IN

March,

as

running from early

phenomenon more

exists as a statistical

it

may occur anytime of the year in the tropics and, dissipating, they may extend themselves as far north as Canada. So you never really know when you're safe. than

But

as a

matter of frequency, January and February are bad months

open water

to be in the

March such

He had

When we

good

"You can

and December and

And

in storms

good place than a bad

as

call

point.

Bobby

arrived at

drunk

a lovely boat

is

Pacific,

seven hundred miles from Tahiti.

a pretty

seemed about

South

better to weather in a

it is

We were

in the

Storms would be coming.

are dicey as well.

as these

place.

this

Hurricanes

as a seasonal certainty.

evening for supper, he

Peru's boat that

been that afternoon. "Bobby Peru,

as he'd

you have

here,"

I

said as

me," he rasped, leering

climbed aboard.

I

from the compan-

at us

ionway, "the Pey-roostah!"

Don and

looked

I

at

"Hello, Pey- rooster,"

"Welcome aboard, lowed.

good

He poured

stuff,"

duced our "Well,

he

Don

boys."

said.

He

turned and went below.

us glasses of wine. "This

said.

"From here on

plastic bottle it

each other.

in,

is

the very last of the

bush

it's

We fol-

beer."

Don

pro-

of Rio de Costco rum.

gonna have a

looks like we're

party," the Pey- rooster

declared.

His boat made the Sea Mouse look dowdy even to Despite Bobby's loved.

own

state

of dissolution,

Her cabin framing was

in polished teak

knees supported the cabin top. stainless steel.

He showed

his boat

The

galley

us her head

my

was

eyes.

clearly

and huge thick teak

gleamed with polished

and shower, a

shower,

and

KEVIN PATTERSON

165

her forepeak, which was

crammed with an

the wrapping, a thousand charts, scuba I

inflatable boat

gear,

everything

in

still

Don and

had fantasized about. The boat had obviously been very expen-

sive

and he had nearly

cruising in fine style.

as

much

Don was

invested again in the gear.

a

little

He was

perplexed by the unwrapped

inflatable boat.

"Bobby,

why

haven't

you ever used

this inflatable, tried

it

out

at least?" "I

have one in the water, you saw

"Oh

it

when you came on

board."

yeah."

Later,

when Bobby was

in the head,

Don

leaned over to me,

whispering, "He's got a quarter million in boat and gear here." I

looked

"The man I

him

at

isn't

blankly.

a stockbroker."

nodded.

Dinner was pasta with a tomato cream sauce; we

had since leaving Hawaii. Bobby and

Bobby was very

frustrated with his,

was manufactured in Sweden. really

worked.

He had

tempted to throw

it

repaired

He it

Don

ate better than

discussed

which he'd named wasn't at

all

We

told

it

convinced that

it

him

and had been

the story about

we had come to regard as sort of a Don asked him where he was headed.

our "Richard," which

wind

vane.

We nodded.

Zealand, the Torres

Canal and,

Strait,

trip,"

he

of South

to see

Sea, the Suez

Africa's coast.

"This

is

said.

"A solo circumnavigation. That Henderson's Singlehanded Sailing?"

"No."

"Want

Diego Garcia, the Red

just in case, the charts

going to be a great

placebo

my He brought out his charts of Samoa and New

"I'm going right around," he answered. charts?"

vanes.

Ingrid, as

himself, repeatedly,

into the ocean.

wind

we

will

be great. Have you read

THE WATER

166

"By

account there have only been a few hundred done."

his

Bobby looked "He lists them. at

you

it if

"So

off,

all

you

disappointed. "Never heard of the book.

little

have thought fewer."

I'd

got the

I've

book on the Sea Mouse. You can look

like."

how come

"Well,

with

a

few hundred?

Really, a

BETWEEN

IN

I

owned

a bar in Seattle

and

I

"So you

asked.

had some trouble there

the bureaucrats and everything, so can't

Don

you're doing this, Bobby?"

I

told 'em

all

to fuck

mess with the Pey-roostah!"

left."

"Yeah." "Just like that?"

bure.

"What was your

bar called?"

How did your

"It doesn't matter.

two sorry

asses

wind up out

here?"

Don

told

him

that his job

one day he'd heard that with and he just

left. I

had been getting

was looking

I

said

for

to

him and then

someone

to go sailing

something about always wanting to

see

the Southern Cross. "Just like that Crosby, Stills

and Nash song."

"Which one?" "Never mind." I

Slocum, and Moitessier too. poets, Sassoon, Graves

began flipping through those guys."

"I love

He

him and wondered we were trying if

was, as

pointing. that

we sat there. There was There were many volumes of the war

looked through his bookshelves

it

We

had

all

as

and Rupert Brooke. it.

"I

was a medic

in

I

picked one up and

Vietnam," Bobby

put on music then, opera.

And

I

said.

looked

at

he was trying to impress us and of course he

Which was a little disapsame ocean, and we each knew

to impress him.

crossed the

could be hard out there. You'd have thought the breast-beat-

ing might have

let

up

for at least a

little

while.

KEVIN PATTERSON

We got

167

my

a corner of the boat,

"So

bad rum and kept

into the bottle of very

why do you want

to

back to a bulkhead.

talking.

Don

I

sat in

did likewise.

go to Tahiti?" Bobby asked, from a third

corner.

dunno,"

"I

said, "it's just always

I

seemed

like

an interesting

place."

"When you thousand

make you

arrive in Tahiti they

dollars.

It's

post a

bond of a

been arrested and you're before the

like you've

bail judge."

"Well, I've just always wanted to go."

"Don't be

silly.

Don added: what

"We're well into hurricane season now.

would

Who knows

with on the way."

we'll get hit

"It

Stay here, we'll have a hoot."

feel to

me

like

was quitting

I

"Have more rum," Bobby

said, filling

if

we

didn't

my glass.

go there."

"We'll get

you

to see reason." "I

was in the army, too,"

"Oh

Which

yeah?

I

seeking escape.

said,

unit?"

"The Canadian army. An

artillery

regiment."

"The Canadian army?" "Yeah."

"Did you

any action?"

see

"No."

me

"Don't talk to

Vietnam" Bobby

said,

ing reason just yet,

"What was

By four traps,

leaning forward for emphasis.

was thinking.

that like?"

Don

looked over

at

I

was in

wasn't see-

Don.

asked.

Vietnam had been

malaria,

I

I

morning we were nearly through the two-quart

in the

bottle of rum.

I

about the fuckin' Canadian army.

VD. A

Bobby got back

that he

little

terrible.

heroin situation. But

had screwed up

years driving his bike around,

Something about booby

his

life.

He

it

was

after

spent a few

hanging out with people he knew

THE WATER

168

BETWEEN

IN

were trouble, never feeling

like

he was a part of anything. Then,

he was seeing

this

woman, and he thought he was

for a while,

going to do okay. "Either of you two married, girlfriends, anything?"

And

then

all

from each of us

and

it

that

lit

was

that

came

out, in

The

in turn.

kerosene lamps were out of fuel

moon

just the tropical

one long monotonic ramble,

now

shining through the portholes

the boat below.

Yeah, well, like he was saying, things were looking pretty good there for a while.

he messed the States

up.

it it's

sometimes

it

They had

He was

a sweet

just too

an old

story,

sounds

like

little

thing happening. But

used to living that other way. In

guys coming back from Vietnam.

they use

it

they get into for the rest of their

as

life.

an excuse for any trouble Lots of those guys would

have gotten into their share of trouble anyway. But the thing wasn't really anything that things

on

bad

a

happened

to

him

in the

was what he did in response

track. It

And

is, it

war that put to

that

it

had

been the problem. "A medium-sized thing happens and you do a big thing as a consequence and from there that happens. said.

It

was past

Don

I

were

The

briefly pleased

He

sitting

up

top.

and then

his

I

Don

mouth

said forty-eight. In the

was surprised

to realize

his feelings. If only I'd

Don

We

both looked up.

I

had

had it

was down below sleeping.

think he was.

Willie Nelson but fatter and grayer, I

the big thing

morning sun was very bright and

tropical

Bobby asked me how old did I'd lied.

it's

said.

sunrise.

Bobby and

in,

So best to think about the responses you pick," he

"Like you two and your girlfriends."

"Wife,"

on

it

I

tightened

morning

said forty.

He was

when he

realized

light

sixty, actually.

together

he looked

As

enough

I

thought

to try

like this

and spare

together enough to stand up and pull

into the rowboat, I'd have

rowed home.

I

looked

at

him.

KEVIN PATTERSON

169

"Stop feeling sorry for yourself," he

said. "You're in the catbird

seat. I

nodded.

leaned over and was sick into the lagoon.

I

The next afternoon I woke and the cabin of the Sea Mouse of rum and garlic and all I could do was hold tightly to the

my

of

berth.

looked around the boat.

we had made weeks I

it

It

was very hot. In three

I

could see the Sea Flea

thirty years old.

walked up top and looked around.

A greeting rang out.

was Bobby waving a bottle of something.

looked

at the children playing

He hadn't been found a bottle on

me

some.

I

He

berth.

to

bed

on the beach.

yet.

I

his boat that

shuddered.

said

He

asked what time

it

was.

I

I

looked ashore.

I

looked back

was keeping him going.

crawled below and lay I

one

said

told

him

He had

He offered

down on

a sea

He

was hungover.

I

in the afternoon.

I

Bobby.

at

helped him climb aboard.

looked unhappy.

I

stood up and

I

It

on the beach, and a boat rowing toward me. It

edges

me how or when

wasn't exactly clear to

back from Bobby's boat.

would be

I

Don. He had gone.

listened for

I

stank

He shook

his

head. "Imagine that." I

asked

him

if

he knew where

"Saw him rowing ashore

a

Don

little

was.

while ago," he said, and passed

out. I

on I

tied

my

shorts.

arrived

asked

my

sandals together I

and looped them through the

climbed into the water and

swam

on the beach the children helped me

me if I was

all

right. "Fine, kids,"

I

said.

I

to

ashore.

my

belt

When

feet.

staggered to a

They palm

wrung out my shirt and put it back on. I walked through the town and stopped in at the Chief of Police's store. I bought some twine and fishhooks. He asked me if I was feeling well. I told him I had just gone for a swim to cool off. My clothes were dripping. He asked me if tree

and

sat

beneath

it. I

put

my sandals

back on.

I

THE WATER

170

I

wanted some

came

I

to

one seemed wide

here.

you

said,

I

too.

to be around.

The

was warm but the dark clouds year-old

boy walked up

I

promised

rain.

trees. It

An

eight-

me where I was going. me if I was from the

asked

said yes.

"Nice yacht," he

said.

I

looked out

down

orange rust streaks ran sat

was quiet and no

through the

side,

asked

He

said.

I

It

was only a few hundred yards

in the sky

me and

to

"I'm looking at the church," yacht.

island

ocean on either

see

He said,

walked on.

I

Desmond's metal-roofed church.

You could

BETWEEN

thank you, maybe another time.

tea. I said

have a nice day.

IN

at the

Sea Mouse. Great

her sides and the tattered headsails

on the foredeck in bunches. The

hung

forestay

from the

slackly

mast.

"Thanks,"

"Have

a

I

said.

good

day," he said.

the yard of one of the houses a I

waved

and

sat

An

my

I

from.

man was I

to Penrhyn,"

the Bounty.

to

me

I

laundry.

walked to the beach

standing on the beach.

he

He

asked

said.

my English

class

studied the novel

was disaffected and bored, high most of the

that novel couldn't possibly have been less inter-

read aloud to the class the passages

classmates did in their turn.

that struck

I

on. In

told him.

was in the ninth grade

and

esting.

old

He walked

young woman was doing

down.

Mutiny on time,

said.

She waved back and grinned.

"Welcome

I

I

to her.

me where I was

When

would,

I

me as

I

I

was given,

as

each of

giggled inanely over the scenes

funny, although the binding of the

hilarious as well, as did the holes in the

tile

book seemed

of the dropped

ceiling,

and the idea of chalkboards and of brassieres. Bruce McLaren, the English teacher, clicked his tongue with irritation at eyes

and vacuous

smile.

He

often stared out the

my reddened

window

as

we

went through these desultory exercises in time-filling. This was in Selkirk,

Manitoba, a

steel-mill

town north of Winnipeg;

my class-

KEVIN PATTERSON

mates and stories

171

understood that we were destined for

I

matter.

I

remember the

heaped-on eye makeup and pores in frayed jean jackets, the

backs with

—

hygiene in

which

of Englishmen arguing with Englishmen on wooden boats

would not much

all

lives in

felt

all

pens,

bored-looking with

girls,

oranges and the boys

like albino

names of rock bands scrawled upon

our thoughts on anything that was not

deep storage, maturing

house, until the day we were

their

lanky greasy hair and inadequate

their

like

to

fit

this.

We were

wheels of cheese in some ware-

unwrap

for the purposes

of steer-

ing a forklift for the Manitoba Rolling Mills or driving a cash

had nothing

register for the Safeway. Tahiti

and

it

do with any of us

was testimony to the stupidity of this mother of a school and

of Bruce McLaren that It

to

we were reading Mutiny on

made no impression on me.

I

was not

left

the

Bounty at

all.

with a lingering

sense of the exotic grandeur of the world nor of the capacity of

humanity

for cruelty

and

betrayal.

When

summer came and

the

we turned our books in, I did so with relief and disdain. I don't remember where we went that night to drink until we vomited into the grass and I don't remember who fought whom. I know that

between drunken car crashes, hunting accidents and

hastily

explained accidental overdoses, half a dozen of those children were

dead within a decade. Which wasn't the direct ing been

moved by Mutiny on

is

is

Chuck

a forty-foot-high fiberglass

Human

Consumption.

He

the Channel Cat and proclaims Selkirk to be

Catfish Capital of Canada, a feat tive

poetry of the phrase than

the

town

is

have stemmed

shade of green evocative of the indelible stain meat

inspectors use to declare beef Unfit for called

may

to say: that awful place.

Overlooking Main Street in Selkirk

is

of my not hav-

the Bounty, but

from the same root cause, which

catfish painted a

result

its

more remarkable accuracy.

for the allitera-

The Red

River behind

brown, polluted and wide; most weekends,

there are a handful of Bayliners

it is

true,

and Lunds bobbing out there with

THE WATER

172

fishermen

who

sip rye

whiskey and smoke and

and sauger and the odd

IN

BETWEEN

and catch pick-

lie

catfish, yes,

which they usually throw

back. Evidently Principal Pickerel Place

and Sauger Central have

erel

already been claimed.

When

the

town council approved the construction of Chuck

in the mid-eighties

and began promoting the town's embryonic

tourism industry with

its

"reputation" for catfish, another Manito-

ban town, Emerson, protested, Capitalhood.

as

won.

already claimed

title

to Catfish

A dispute ensued, which culminated in the mayors of

the two towns arguing their cases Selkirk

it

It

was the town's

on a national

finest

call-in radio

show.

moment. People spoke of it

for days afterwards.

On winter nights, one of my friends, the one who had a car, picked each of us up in succession and whoever had bought pot that week rolled joints as Street,

we

drove the three miles to the north end of Main

where the Indians

back past Chuck, to the 7-Eleven was. past the

rant

Then we turned around and headed back

little strip

is

low and

street

mall on Eaton Avenue, past the Chinese restau-

no shortage of cheap land

astonishingly painful and

like protective

buildings are

culture here that the sight of

Sometimes men and

moats.

The win-

nobody walks anywhere except

those with recent DWIs or repossessed cars.

picion.

The

in Selkirk.

the parking lots expansive, usually lying between the

and the businesses themselves

ters are

It is

so thoroughly car

someone walking

women

will

is

cause for sus-

be seen walking on the

highway into town from the Scanterbury Reserve the north. There was also a man who dressed like Old Spice commercial who walked everywhere, that,

north,

and past the Liquor Commission.

There all

Then we turned around and drove south end of Main Street, where the

lived.

only crazy people walked out of doors.

thirty miles to

the sailor in the

but other than

KEVIN PATTERSON

173

About ten thousand people live

RCMP

there except for

officers

occasional retired farmer

who

eling a mile-long driveway

in Selkirk.

when

Nobody ever moves

they are transferred and the

has sold his land and

and wants

is

tired

to be able to

of shov-

walk

to the

River boat Cafe.

My

friends were Ross Paddock,

and Frank

Bailey

in high school

grease

and

the car, Darryl

power-mechanics majors

and most of the time we smelled of wheel-bearing

gasoline. Ross

eyeglasses that

who owned

Parkes. All of us were

and

I,

from that time, wear

in pictures

compete with each

other's for hideousness.

We were

so skinny our limbs jutted out as if we were stick insects with

all

dreadful complexions. Girls did not like us.

because

we were

We were

ugly and smelled bad.

Apart from the

steel mill, Selkirk

is

We thought this was right.

bedroom community of

a

Winnipeg, in every way like the vast sprawl of suburban towns that

North America, ugly and placid and convenient.

stretch across in

no way rugged and

really hardly

even

rural,

had been. The abandoned steamers that used sit

rusting

the old

and

rotting in the sloughs that

men who

live in Selkirk

but

to ply

lie

at

one time

store

— —of

off the

river.

a time that struck

having been more heroic and the

word

banal,

So while

I

& Stream and that occupied in the I

Some of

were trappers and fishermen when

McCleod

gear for such pursuits sat unsold and dusty

the back shelves

less banal.

and would have

didn't read

it

Lake Winnipeg

they were younger, and there were reminders, in the

Hardware

It is

my

on

teenage sensibilities as

At the time

I

didn't

know

said, "fuckin retarded."

Mutiny on

the Bounty,

I

did read Field

Outdoors and, in a prelude to the escapist fantasies

me

as a soldier,

imagined living

in a cabin

by myself

bush a hundred miles north of town, catching trout (which

knew only from

Manitoba there

these magazines as something to be prized

are jackfish, or northern pike,

and

—

in

pickerel, or

THE WATER

174

walleye).

studied the advertisements. Trucks,

I

BETWEEN

IN

smokeless

rifles,

tobacco, fishing gear, rye whiskey; various representations of the

Man

Marlboro

fingered whiskered chins and stroked especially

appealing representations of the proffered merchandise. That state

of whiskered wherewithal was

My father's coat and

would

He wore

be.

had never chewed tobacco

once smoked a pipe.

I

be a kind and patient

by seven, commuting into the

us,

as

Although he had

is full

my

father to

of love and deep strength

fifties

model of at six

and

city in necktie

gray-

and gone

He

blazer.

re-

evenings and worked on reports at his desk in

late in the

When

he quickly

life.

and he was up every morning

flannel masculinity

of

in his

have subsequently discovered

man who

shaven

a suit instead of a sheepskin

he had accepted the

fathers in that town,

the basement.

as cleanly

was a mystery to me. Like so many of the

but at that time he

turned

wanted.

on the other hand, was

chin,

a city man's face

all I

he emerged to watch television with the

fell

asleep in his big chair.

rest

remember looking

I

over at him, rasping over the dialogue of Threes Company, his head lolling to

one

side.

My idea of adulthood,

of what

I

should be trying to become,

was formed by those sportsmen magazines: a

good shot and an

then

at least

Clearly,

very

I

I

through

could

to

me

—would

among

trees

that

strand

and mountains and streams.

me

in

it

seemed

model — necktied

alternate

some

Selkirk,

from the gas station

bought a shotgun and a hunting snuff,

could be those things,

and

commuting

restaurants.

my money

saved

the

silent,

gray cinder blocks and gas stations and Chinese and

flat

Canadian food I

live

I

was not a particularly bright adolescent. But

clear

exhausted

able judge of cover. If

and

self-reliant

license.

I

I

worked

at,

and

I

practiced trying to use

and gagged and spat into wastebaskets, wondering what

I

was doing wrong. Those sunburnt guys in the ads always looked so serene.

work

I

my

father into

coming home

early

so that

we could walk

together in

owned marshes north of town looking

for grouse.

browbeat

a few evenings in the

the publicly

fall

from

KEVIN PATTERSON

We

175

spent hours and hours out there, tramping about and getting

We might have, in the course of all that time, seen maybe a half-dozen grouse. On at least a couple of occasions I discharged my shotgun, but only as an afterthought to their thumping escapes — I disturbed not a feather and I think my straw stuck in our shiny shoes.

father

and

I

were both

He was

relieved.

equally relieved

when

hunting season ended and he could return to work where people

approved of him because he was conscientious and tried hard, and

where they

go on inexplicably about smokeless tobacco

didn't

products in an accusing tone. After a few years fantasizing about

I

& Stream and

I

stopped

living in a cabin, but

I

was

stopped reading Field

owning chaps or

left

with the idea that such a model of existence represented a way out of the

dull fluorescent-lit torpor of Winnipeg's suburbs. Self-

flat,

reliance, stoicism

your

and a

sufficiently rugged-looking hat

When

I

discovered travel literature

deeply dissatisfied with

just as

my

was

I

surroundings

—

I

hunting whitetail deer in the Adirondacks.

Theroux and Cahill and was very available, as

I

I

army and

took solace in the

had before sought escape from Selkirk

I

in the

of Newby's Hindu Kush and Thesiger's

clear skies

was

could save

soul.

Empty

Quarter,

in reading about

read

O'Hanlon and

grateful that distraction like that

had long since accustomed myself to being the

only openly dissatisfied one,

at least in that officers' mess,

on

that

base.

Later

I

remarkable

read Sallie Tisdale's insightful essay in Harper's on the rise

of

travel literature

and what she contends

obsession with manufactured danger and exoticism. to I

me

was.

It

became

is

its

clear

that there are millions of people living as discontentedly as I

was the rule rather than the exception. These people

in Selkirk

and Orange County and Etobicoke and

Houston and anywhere

at all

where long

live

just outside

stretches of

tedium are

interrupted by Boston Pizza joints immediately adjacent to video arcades beside 7-Elevens serving Slurpees

workers headed

home and

too tired to cook.

and Hoagies

to shift

THE WATER

176

I

sat there

on the beach

enough

to be hungry.

woman

asked

"Come I

my

stomach

put

as she

settled

An

it. I

old said

at the airstrip, talking to Lester," she said. "Lester

the weatherman here.

some,"

"I'd love

until

BETWEEN

walked back down the road.

I

me if I was looking for my mate,

out

yes. "He's

Penrhyn

in

Then

IN

I

Would you

like

is

some lunch?"

said.

with me," she

said.

walked with her to her house, which was small, concrete and

very neat. She

made

us jelly sandwiches

and lemonade. Her grand-

daughter appeared from somewhere. She had just come back from school in

New Zealand.

tightened.

We

thought about

more

talked about school

We

interesting than here."

cleared

lunch.

thanked

I

and Canada and what she

New Zealand, which was,

woman

away our

that

"One of them She

fished.

and thanked

plates

oysters,

The

had come

in.

you

"The fishermen

a nice fish."

"Some of them

maybe

thirty

for

I

There were

are back," she said.

asked her where they

and dive

stay in the lagoon

maybe eighteen

ocean, through surf like semi-trailers.

me

coming

for

for

reef and fish for big fish

biggest of the boats looked about three times the

length of the Sea Flea,

introduced

was "way

and the old

to the beach.

and some of them go outside the

out there."

me

it

She laughed and shrugged.

her.

will give

said,

basically, that

finished our lunch

Her granddaughter walked me back some boats

my chest

She was sixteen and so beautiful

to the fishermen.

handed

I

feet long.

We

walked

smiled.

A

On

the open

closer

toothless

and she

man

of

me a tuna. He was wearing a torn T-shirt that

said Seattle Seahawks.

"Thank you,"

I

said.

"Pleasure," he said. fish.

My

He went

back to cleaning the

guide waved goodbye and disappeared.

supper in the Sea Flea and waited for I

showed him the

fish.

He

just

Don

shook

I

to return.

his head.

set

rest

of his

down our

When he did,

We

stood there,

KEVIN PATTERSON

177

looking around at the island, and the people going about their business

We

and hardly noticing us except

set to

work on

to smile shyly.

the broken forestay chainplate, in preparation

for leaving. It wasn't that

hard to

repair,

motionless at anchor in the lagoon. After finishing,

we rowed

It

ashore with

we

found, with the boat

took about three hours. our fuel jugs and hitch-

all

The woman who came down and opened

hiked to the government office to pay for our

behind the desk phoned her brother,

the warehouse where the diesel was stored. flatbed truck appeared

and drove us back

loaded the jugs back on the Sea Flea. almost- awash dinghy inched our fuel tank. Tahiti. It

We

was

way

We

filled

our jugs.

to the beach,

Don and

I,

like

wolfing

down

to the boat.

chocolate mousse.

started the engine.

Don

began

A

where we

the jugs and the

We

refilled

our

had nothing stopping us from continuing on

taken our time. Without speaking, I

fuel.

to

We should have

lifting the anchor.

(Jhapter (Ten

While we had

stayed on Penrhyn,

had not abruptly

still

we wanted

blew

to go.

We

the trade winds

They

altered their eternal pattern.

straight out

hoisted the

of the southeast, the direction sails

and began a

series

of long

ocean tacks, east and then south, proceeding by successive approximations toward Tahiti.

would

Moving from northwest

transit the length

to southeast,

we

of the Society Islands, named for their

congeniality, the lies sous le Vent, Bora-Bora, Huahine,

and

Moorea, before coming to

en route.

Tahiti. All these temptations

Three days out the wind slackened

until

calmed. Averaging a hundred miles a day,

it

finally

we were almost

would take

us a

be-

week

or so to cover the seven hundred miles to Tahiti. This, of course,

assumed that the wind would be present and favorable some of the time.

KEVIN PATTERSON

When

179

wind was

the

entirely absent,

we

One night

motored. This kept our daily average up for several days. I

was on watch and thought

lights.

miles.

I

settled

The banks

The winking

in the distance.

Con-

switched on the Sea Mouses run-

lights

approached no closer than a few

us,

back in the cockpit,

and

relieved,

fell

asleep.

next morning, the batteries were completely dead. Both

—

had

I

switch to

set the battery

built-in safety feature.

eyes

saw a ship

I

cerned that he couldn't see

ning

I

and

started the engine

I

"all" just to

looked sheepishly

at

sabotage that

Don. He

rolled his

and we dug out the portable generator we had brought along

for just such a circumstance. It wouldn't start.

We

took apart the carburetor, cleaned

it

and reassembled

it.

It

We changed spark plugs and polished the points. It still wouldn't start. We repeated step one. We cleaned out the fuel tank. We took apart every electrical connection and polished them all with emery cloth. We repeated step two. It still wouldn't start. We sat there in the boat, bobbing slowly up and down in the still

wouldn't

South

start.

Pacific

Ocean. Tahiti was four or

five

hundred miles

With no batteries our engine would not any wind at all.

southeast.

wasn't

I

looked

at

some of the books

There was Douglas

Oliver's

The

that

start.

to the

There

Bobby Peru had traded

Pacific Islands, published

us.

by the

University of Hawaii, and a passel of backpackers' guides to one

thing or another. Tahiti

I

learned

was discovered by Polynesians

Marquesas around 800 ration

this:

and colonization

A the ing,

westward from the

A.D., as a part of the explosion of explo-

that

had so impressed Peter Ericson. The

Polynesians were originally from what arrived in

sailing

Samoa by 1000

is

now

Indonesia, and

had

B.C.

frenzy of expedition launchings began a few centuries into

Common

Era.

As the Roman Empire was

ossifying

and

huge ocean-going catamarans, capable of holding

a

scleros-

hundred

THE WATER

180

BETWEEN

were being built and launched from beaches in the Samoan

adults,

Canoes such

Islands.

Cook, and the

tain

IN

as these

utility

and grace of these vessels

From Samoa

descriptions.

were observed and described by Capis

obvious in his

they reached the Marquesas in around

300 A.D. The pattern of this exploration was not systematic;

and close-at-hand

fertile

islands

remained unsettled while

large,

more

and inhospitable lands were discovered. After who knows

distant

how many months at sea, relieved and, no women stumbled ashore, looking for fresh

surface water, for fertile

was found, then presumably Palmyra was, another.

No

habitation.

I

surface water,

no

wonder how long

fertile soil

men and

doubt, skinny

Sometimes they found them. Sometimes they didn't.

soil.

far

some point or

too, at

—no

(If Hawaii

historical record

of

took them to put the boat back in

it

the water again. Imagine the arguments.) I

thought about the

Rapa Nui, they called

Island.

and

men and women who

cold, with

all

it,

it

Islands.

the navel of the world.

Windswept

of New Zealand undiscovered a few weeks'

to the south, with prevailing least

sailed to Easter

was land. Even

sail

—but

winds blowing right there

—only

closer

a

few days

sail,

the

at

Cook

Hawaii and Christmas Island were reached in further

months-long voyages, against contrary winds, around 500 A.D.

New Zealand,

the

Tuamotus and the Cook

Islands were reached in

the following five hundred years. It

seems astonishing that anyone even

talks

about Leif the

Lucky. Christ, he was practically in sight of his discoveries. were, of course, already well inhabited.

of Greenland

is

a few

hundred

miles;

From

wooden

is

Iceland to the coast

from Southern Greenland

the coast of Labrador, a few hundred more.

the western edge of Melanesia

Which

From

to

Easter Island to

eight thousand miles. In

open

boats, without charts.

Eventually

we

gave up trying to

fix

the generator.

The

batteries

were dead and without them the engine simply wasn't going to

KEVIN PATTERSON

start

and

that

was

181

all

there

was

to

it.

We read novels and turned the

tuning knob of the short-wave radio. Whenever the wind came up

we leapt to raise the sails and, slowly, we edged closer to the Happy Isles. Making open-water passages in a small sailboat is like descending into a tunnel. At any given time, between any two bodies of land, there

the other.

must be

The

a handful of sailboats progressing

from one

to

circumstances of weather and current are probably

similar for each, but in the course of the passage, these boats re-

main ignorant of one another. The departure

is

made with dozens

of masts visible astern but they slowly sink below the horizon, and then there

is

those boats

only your boat, and yourself. You

you

days, but that sea.

Out

est

behind are planning to follow you

knowledge has no

there,

When you

left

it is

as if the

arrive at

But they

will

—and

on those boats

the people

at

fickle

will

winds and

the particular squalls you have

known, and so there remains the impression

made

few

be a for-

will again

you ve had with

know

not

in a

your circumstances

your destination, there

well the sorts of trouble

squalls.

relation to

that

world has disappeared.

of masts in a large harbor

know

may know

that particular trip, that only

that only

you have

you became quite that lonely

out there, frustrated with winds that always blow in your

face.

December 27, 1994

My thirtieth novel by

birthday. Spent the

Kim

Fenton —and

Chernin.

An

not even 2

kts,

averaged

—Chekhov, a

account of the fall of Saigon by James

listening to the short-wave.

from Bora-Bora, 230 from cult

day reading

Only a hundred miles

Papeete, but going so slowly,

out.

Getting easting remains very

but there are few alternatives

to

I am worried about going into the pass, which faces Bora-Bora, with no engine

and no

charts. It

west, in

might be the wrong

thing to do; perhaps a few more days worth of endurance getting to Papeete proper will be the right thing to do. see.

We shall see. I use

diffi-

enduring

that phrase often, here.

and

We shall

THE WATER

182

After two weeks of bobbing for the start cord

gave to

a tug.

it

life. I

I

IN

up and down, one day Don

BETWEEN

idly reached

of the generator, and for the ten-thousandth time,

was

below when

sitting

Don

went up top and

was

heard the generator sputter

I

dumbfounded.

sitting there

We we

charged the batteries and started the engine. In a couple of hours

were on our way, making four knots straight for Tahiti.

The

began through

Omoo

literature,

with the books of Melville. His novels

(1847) an(l Typee (1846) concern whaling voyages to Tahiti

and the Marquesas,

and

minds of Europeans of the idea of Tahiti

inculcation in the

respectively. Typee

month he

based on a

is

is

the better

known of them

Nuku

spent in the Taipai Valley of

Hiva, one of the Marquesas, after deserting from his whaling ship, Acushnet.

By

describing the Marquesan island as "paradisiacal" he

ushered in the era of men and

about ters.

warm winds

women

as pallid as lard fantasizing

they huddle and cough in the northern win-

as

Within a generation of Melville's departure, the population of

Nuku Hiva

(ten

thousand or

dead from European

was shrunk by ninety per

so)

war and

diseases,

alcohol.

of Eden depends on the absence of others. steadily

grew more and more

In the

and

last six years

lived in the

South

San Francisco in June quesas.

(Which was

anchor being stayed four

it

just

as

in a

Pacific

paradisiacal. life,

Pacific.

1888,

The South

Robert Louis Stevenson traveled

He

chartered a yacht, the Casco in y

and proceeded

what

I'd

to Tahiti, via the

intended, the

little

overboard having torpedoed

lost

months

and described

of his

cent,

Much of the appeal

little village

matter of the

that.)

Stevenson

on the south shore of Tahiti

"The Garden of the World." His

South Seas further propelled the idea of Tahiti Paul Gauguin arrived in 1891 and

Mar-

is

Tales

of the

as paradise.

probably more responsible

than anyone for turning the place into an icon in the imaginations

of the snowbound. In

on pretty quickly

fact,

he didn't

much like the place and moved

for the Marquesas,

which he found

less

French,

KEVIN PATTERSON

and

less restrictive.

183

may

This

fourteen-year-old mistress

much

Just as

have had something to do with his

—but

the details are sketchy.

of the exploration of the Arctic happened

consequence of the search for the

lost

as a

Franklin Expedition, the

next wave of writers came to Tahiti in search of Gauguinia. Rupert

Brooke came looking

Maugham came

for lost paintings in 1913-14

and W. Somerset

Moon and Sixpence in 1916. He found a Gauguin painted on a house door. He bought the owner a new door and took the painting home with him. (Chatwin, in his to research

Sotheby's years, sold a

when he

died.

When Tahiti

Gauguin

that

wondered whether

I

The

The

Moon and

Sixpence

had been it

in

Maugham's

estate

was that door.)

came out

in 1919, the idea of

was cemented into the minds of book-reading cold people.

Charles Strickland, a protagonist modeled on Gauguin,

is

presented

half-mad tortured genius driven by demons, baffling to

as a

around him ness

is

in Europe,

whose

struggle to achieve his

frustrated until finally he

makes

his

way

own

all

great-

to Tahiti:

Here, on this remote island, he seemed to have aroused none of the detestation with

and

rather;

ple, native

which he was regarded

his vagaries

at

were accepted with tolerance. To these peo-

and European, he was a queer

fish,

granted; the world was full of odd persons,

perhaps they

he must

round

knew

be. In

home, but compassion

that a

man

is

and they took him

who

did odd things; and

not what he wants to be, but what

England and France he was the square peg

hole, but here the holes

for

in the

were any sort of shape, and no sort

of peg was quite amiss.

Maugham's description of the ness

island expresses a sense of gracious-

and complex beauty:

Tahiti

is

a lofty, green island, with deep folds of a darker green, in

which you divine depths,

silent valleys; there

down which murmur and

that in those

umbrageous places

is

mystery in their somber

splash cool streams, life

and you

feel

from immemorial times has

THE WATER

184

been led according to immemorial ways. Even here

and

terrible.

But the impression

pany

may

laughing at his

is

because in the

see in the jester's eyes

sallies; his lips

serves only to give a

when

so like the

com-

a merry

more

finds himself

smiling and friendly;

is

It is

smile and his jokes are gayer

communion of laughter he

erably alone. For Tahiti

woman

and

fleeting,

something sad

is

enjoyment of the moment.

greater acuteness to the

sadness which you

is

BETWEEN

IN

intol-

like a lovely

it is

charm and beauty; and nothing

graciously prodigal of her

can be more conciliatory than the entrance into the harbour at Papeete. little

The schooners moored

town along the bay

is

to the

quay

are trim

and

white and urbane, and the flamboyants,

scarlet against the blue sky, flaunt their colour like a cry

They are less.

sensual with an

And

alongside

crowd.

neat, the

unashamed violence

that leaves

of passion.

you breath-

the crowd that throngs the wharf as the steamer draws is

It is

movement

gay and debonair; a sea of brown faces.

it is

a noisy, cheerful, gesticulating

You have an impression of coloured

against the flaming blue of the sky. Everything

is

done

with a great deal of bustle, the unloading of the baggage, the examination of the customs; hot.

The

and everyone seems

to smile at you. It

very

is

colour dazzles you.

Throughout

this,

and throughout the writings of Melville and

Stevenson, too, runs the idea of the Polynesians as Rousseau's noble savages,

Implicit

uncontaminated by late-Industrial Revolution Europe. is

the possibility that Europeans, by venturing there, could

recapture a state of grace.

Look

at

Gauguin,

other of Maugham's Europeans, cast

Our

life is

simple and innocent.

and what pride we have

is

upon

We

are

after

a

happy man.

me

is

an-

Tahiti:

untouched by ambition,

us,

nor envy

attack.

monsieur, they talk of the blessedness of labour,

but to

This

due only to our contemplation of the work

of our hands. Malice cannot touch

ingless phrase,

all.

it

has the

most intense

and

Ah, mon cher it is

a

mean-

significance.

I

am

KEVIN PATTERSON

The

185

amount

idealization of Tahiti has always required a certain

of willing self-delusion. To carry off his representation of paradise,

Maugham

has Gauguin/Strickland die of leprosy after painting his

masterpieces one after the other in a steady stream, loved by his

young wife and happy. That word

again.

But Gauguin hated

and

nearly as suffocating as Europe

Tahiti, considered

it

to the Marquesas,

and then even

ern side of the island.

He

retreated

further, to the less-settled north-

who

quarreled with the local police,

objected to his public drunkenness

—and when he

did die,

finally

The when

of alcoholism, he had been sentenced to a short prison term. locals quickly forgot

him. They only remembered him again

more shiny-faced people left

arrived to

make

He

a fuss over his grave.

a son behind, as does Strickland, but while the fictional son

content and at ease with his

life,

is

Gauguin's son drank himself to

death with the same determination as his father. After the homicidal spasm of the world wars

undermined any

idea of the perfectibility of man as represented by

modern Western

bloomed. Exit routes have included the

city-dwellers, escapism

hairy- footed shire, techno-Utopianism

and various

dwelling and political personalities.

Maugham, Stevenson and

Melville It

had

was

all

helped to prepare the ground for

after the

attainable goal,

cults

this.

war that the idea of the South

as, inevitably, paradise, really

of comet-

Pacific as

an

began to capture the

popular imagination of North Americans. Demobilized

sailors

and

marines returning to Peoria and Tallahassee and Muscle Shoals

brought

stories

back with them of peace and ease and

physical beauty stretched out under

everyone was longing to

live

on

lies

combatants

sous

le Vent,

this picture

palm

trees

of an

idyll.

and ukuleles and

desert islands with the

tree.

and

one coconut

A

papaya

sip

South Pacific was

Bora-Bora, and brought

form around the manufacturing of plastic

blue skies. Suddenly

a desert island

punch under the shade of a banyan one of the

warm

limitless

home

set

to

on

non-

whole industry began

to

a paradise as represented

by

grass skirts. tree

The comic-strip a modern icon

became

— THE WATER

186

and Gauguin became

better

known

BETWEEN

IN

for his flight to paradise than

for his paintings. Tahiti. Vanilla I

liked. I'd

Everything

came from

Great coffee, too. Both things

there.

have bet there wasn't an ugly mall on the whole island. starts

with the idea that the place you

live in is beauti-

Then you don't deface it. Waterfalls plunging off green mountains, down sheer cliffs and straight into the sea. ful.

Moorea appeared on

the horizon like

shadowed and

Then

sharp.

it

Doom Mountain,

craggy and

began raining and the wind veered to

the north and increased steadily.

The

Sea Mouses progress slowed

and we spent hours running the engine and tacking back and forth against the wind. I fell

asleep

When fog.

went down below

I

on the

table.

I

woke up

came up top he pointed

I

We

sailed closer

the harbor.

to

to

make

Don

tea

and was

touching

at Tahiti, rising

so tired

my shoulder.

up through the

and saw the entrance through the

reef into

We transited the pass. All along the beach we could see

white buildings lining the road, with cars and bicycles moving slowly back and forth.

This

is

from Rupert Brooke's poem, "Haunting," written

Papeete in 1914:

In the grey tumult of these after-years

Oft silence

And

the incessant wranglers part;

less-than-echoes of

Hush

And

falls;

all

remembered

tears

the loud confusion of the heart;

a shade, through the toss'd ranks of mirth

and

crying,

Hungers, and pains, and each dull passionate mood,

Quite

lost,

and

all

Comes back

but

all

forgot, undying,

the ecstasy of your quietude.

in

Chapter £leven

Boulevard and small

Pomare

cafes

runs along the Papeete harbor,

look out upon the ocean with an equa-

nimity found nowhere in that city

and the

fierce

and

coffee roasting.

the polluted harbor and

soaked and

filthy for

to either side

and

I

the hauteur of

all

too.

walked inland

I

in the scent of the

mountain and

We had overturned the Sea Flea in

was soaked and

months now and

felt

but with

and impeccable waiters

away from the beach and drank car exhaust

Paris,

filthy,

shivers of pleasure

but

was very

this

I

had been

fine.

I

gaped

and cold sweep up and

down me. Tropical storm Victor

had

hit that

anchoring, had blown up in earnest only a

had cleared the harbor entrance. As we had to set,

we had been

we had been few minutes after we

morning

as

tried to get the

anchor

driven repeatedly almost up on the beach, each

THE WATER

188

IN

BETWEEN

time motoring out into deeper water and better bottom; the transmission chose just that

moment

to stop working.

and

seemed

It

had been the

worst four hours of the

trip,

would be blown

But the crew of the. boat next to

ashore.

hippies from Marseilles,

it

had come

us,

and

finally

it

had

thanked them over and over again; embarrassed

I

effusiveness, they

We stayed on

four

us,

to our rescue with a spare anchor

and chain; they had worked hard with

Don and

certain that the boat

held.

at

our

had withdrawn.

jump-

the boat in the rain, looking at the shore,

ing to our feet again and again, certain that the anchor was dragging, but

was not, and we calmed ourselves

it

we climbed

into the Sea Flea

and

the beach, drenched I

kept walking until

I

and rowed

slowly. Eventually

ashore, separating as

we hit

smelly.

came

over both our passports. As

to the customs post

where

I

handed

stood there smiling maniacally and

I

trying to endear myself to officialdom,

my French vanished.

Please

my boat, monsieur. Just stamp our passports and let me go get the mail The inspector indulged my attempt to speak in the only civilized language, and we stumbled and tripped and he dorit ask to inspect

repeated each question and

I

grunted and spat out the vanishing

my mind was

words but the only phrase that stood out in

vous coucher avec moi, ce soir in a falsetto disco beat.

my

stamp that out of

head, and

I

I

only barely escaped that office

without propositioning the gendarme, and the consequent

and

Voulez-

struggled to

jail

term

beating. I

was walking

in the rain, with a piece of cardboard held over

my

head, to get the mail

me.

A young woman

when

a car

unrolled her

came

to a quick stop beside

window and asked me where

I

was going. "Voulez-vous,

and told

me

was from.

I

uh a

la poste, "

to get in. This

I

She opened the door

replied.

was not

Paris.

She asked

me where

I

told her about the boat, about crossing the ocean, she

clicked her tongue

grinned.

y

We

and

said

—

this delighted

arrived at the poste.

me

—

"ooh la

la.

"

We

KEVIN PATTERSON

"Merciy "

I

said.

"De

rieriy

"

she

"Au

revoir, "

I

That

189

said.

I

got out.

she said, and sped

Goddamn.

stood there grinning.

Don and

night,

I

off.

Ta-hi-ti.

Look

mahi mahi

ate supper in a cafe:

me.

at

grille,

wine and beautiful bread. Then cheese and coffee and cognac.

The poste

of opened

letters sat

been

by our mail and the mustachioed

filled

beneath the

table.

informed us that had we been another week have been sent back. Just so

we knew who

in

Piles

box had

restante

man

red

uniform had

arriving,

would

it

all

Thank

to be grateful to.

We clutched our bales of letters and looked at each other. We each wanted to be alone. We parted, sym-

you,

we

sir,

told

him

sincerely.

pathetically. I

walked by myself away from the

The gendarmerie

Papeete.

the mountain. Fog rolled

was rain

falling further

lay

sea, into

the interior of

on the edge of the town,

down and

up the

slope.

off the I

its

mountain and there

walked past the barracks of

the Foreign Legion and toward the Catholic cathedral.

were pealing and the ringing echoed through the town. to rain again

and

Poste restante

write a

letter,

through

I

is

send

—and

it

back to

Its bells It

began

hurried to a cafe.

an institution worth thinking about. You can it

out to a place that a friend

may

be traveling

works. Standing in dusty antique post offices

around the world and holding out

one's passport hopefully

—

impossible to express the pleasure of getting a letter in such

cumstances. At

home one

We are I

is

cir-

imagines oneself crowded and confined,

longing for anonymity and at sea there

it is

room

to

move. But

only one desire: Avez-v ous des

not so easily disentangled

after

after a

lettres

few months

a moi, monsieur?

all.

sat in a little cafe facing a quiet street

of ochre- and yellow-

painted single-story buildings and watched the rain

fall

like fruit.

THE WATER

190

My letters

me

brought

my

sat at

from the army and

As de

I

and a

Selkirk,

sat in that cafe

and the

la Palette

I

fight

au

cafe

Manitoba,

and

lait

that if

I

remembered

I

Samoa

or Pitcairn

was about Tahiti,

is.

there.

The narrow

me

by

sea.

see Tahiti

I

as the

streets that

of where she had

would not

take her to sea,

and would not compromise. As

would have been unthinkable

ognized the argument

as far

remembered Catherine and the Cafe

we had

telling her that

was determined to

it

as there

sprouted off Boulevard Pomare reminded lived.

BETWEEN

an elastic-banded cube. The waitress

feet in

a sandwich

IN

convenience

it

—we both

rec-

was, and for that rea-

son Catherine did not try to persuade me.

And now I was was

clear in

Her

repaid by a barrage of recollection.

my ear

and

I

could smell her scent and

had no idea

I

where on the planet she was, except not where French

Not

here.

remembered her devotion

I

and her

destructive impetuousness

fine

to her son

voice

flags flew.

and her

self-

and compelling imagina-

tion, her magnificent letters. Letters.

who

I

looked through

my bale of correspondence. A woman

loved one of my friends had written to me, and in her

and dignified ache less corrosively.

—

winced

that

I

felt all

When

the sadness of the

thought about

I

had not changed.

I

my

autumn

muted

return, but

ex-girlfriend

I

and

recalled her strange

still

fragile

beauty and the open-eyed fear and delight with which she looked out

was is

at the

world.

clear that she

I

missed

and

I

her.

But

I

did not

were better off for

call

her this time.

parting and

part of the beauty of the world. Like rubbing a bruise

membering

the leap that led to

moment,

I

was Huckleberry

mourning his sweet Clementine. The wanted

to be a legionnaire.

Paris

winter,

and

is

wanted

hung on

Hound

soldiers

were

the artillerymen in Shilo, boisterous and large. I

rise

from

doesn't stop, the leaves

fall

re-

my own

I

all

the hat

in the Sahara,

as

I

remembered

read

my

mail.

I

kepi.

a city of the cold northern European plains,

and chimneys

and

it.

In the cafe were legionnaires, with their kepis rack. For a

It

that aching

the old roofs.

When

and

rain

it

has

comes

and people aggregate together and

KEVIN PATTERSON

endure. Tahiti

not

is

heating a house

But

sary.

191

is

like this. It

warm

is

not a problem and endurance

in the city of Papeete,

still,

which

sand people, the influence of Paris intuited in the cobblestones street signs

and the funny

crats bustle

through the

homesickness

their

in a

way

that

is

it is

not as neces-

one hundred thou-

is

may

is

rains,

it

be seen, her nature

and the winding roads and the blue

The

pharmacies.

little

And

officious bureau-

they do back home, in the only

streets, as

civilized city in the world.

when

here even

of course they long for

them

possible to feel affectionate toward

not possible in

In

Paris.

Paris.

South

Parisian accountants in the

Pacific longing for decent

opera and a million Shriners in the heartland reminiscing about

own youth and

Bora-Bora, their

we

quietude. All of us wishing

were elsewhere.

En

route here,

some money

Don

said he

I

had told

Don

that

I

to repair the transmission,

would wait

for

me

in the

make

and reprovision the

boat.

South

he had wanted to spend hurricane season in Penrhyn, he was rethinking that.

Once I I knew wanted Atoll.

think It

I

started thinking about going

home

to

wanted

told

to fly

Pacific.

home,

but

Fiji,

him

it

to

go home.

Don

began to long for

I

He wanted

didn't.

after seeing

was up to him.

the foreign and physical beauty of Tahiti, and

felt it,

it.

but

I

on Penrhyn

to live

As we outlined our plans for the remainder of the winter, I we both wondered if we would in fact see each other again.

seemed

likely,

but not certain.

I

worried that

would become

I

mired back in Canada, and that leaving again to thousand miles, under any circumstances that

At one point

me out Don would be

had pushed

clear that

likely at that

here,

would seem

sailing

I

home

impossible. It

wanted mine. Back

I

wished

to the strip malls.

wasn't

It

seemed more

point that he would remain in the South his fate;

five

desperate than those

home with me.

Each of us was gravitating toward

more than

less

sail

I

Pacific.

wanted

Maybe

I

his

could

— THE WATER

192

open a

little

IN

BETWEEN

practice in one. Share a receptionist with a dentist.

my own wood-veneer paneling.

Pick out

A week

later

Pomare.

We had rowed my little leather suitcase and my pack ashore

Don and

and had tipped again used,

I

said

goodbye

in the surf

us at our patio table but off.

Don

was

torn, uncertain this

haolied

is

quiet.

Then

we remained

He

said

Boulevard

the transitive verb

from the noun which means "pale ones."

of the Tahiti harbor and so did we.

wash

at a cafe facing

My

bags smelled

the rain started falling

on

there, letting the effluvia

he was happy, but he seemed

whether he wished he was going home or whether

deeper and solitary plunge appealed to

him more. He

said

he

thought he would make friends with the hippies. There was a pause. I

told

He I

him thank you.

said you're

said that

"You

I

welcome.

would

better."

write.

—

Qhapter (Twelve

We want to

be setfree. The

ground wants

to

know

The pickaxe blow of the vict, is

the

man

driving a pickaxe into the

meaning of his pickaxe

convict,

a humiliation for the con-

not the same as the pickaxe blow of the prospector,

which gives stature

to the prospector.

Prison

is

place where the pickaxe blows fall. The horror physical. Prison

fall without

is

bonding the

man

to the

had a

air

When

I

me and

is

in,

not the

community of men.

Wind, Sand and Stars

thirty- two degrees it

that

I

below zero and the

recalled immediately.

stepped out of the airport to find a cab I

said,

late-night diner

bled

was

crystalline sharpness to

breathe. After to

it

is

to escape from that prison.

antoine de saint-exupery,

Winnipeg

not in the

where pickaxe blows fall without purpose,

And we yearn

In

blow.

piled

my

bags in the back

"What's that smell?"

where

my friends

I

often spent time.

and

still it

couldn't

the cabbie turned

asked him to drive

there they were, sitting at a table.

so cold in the winter,

seat,

I

When

me I

to a

stum-

We all smiled. That city

blazes with the

warmth of

a

when you return. I found work quickly. Within a few weeks I had two jobs one was in an emergency room in the city and the other was in Rankin Inlet, on the coast of Hudson Bay. It was a strangely fracbread oven

tured time, flying back and forth between the city and the Arctic.

THE WATER

194

I

rented an apartment and

IN

BETWEEN

phoned the army, which had kept my I had taken my release. For the first

belongings in storage since

time in two years

When

I

had

all

my books

winter storms blew up

I

and papers around me. awake

stayed,

listening to the

potency of the wind. Weather was newly disturbing to me. Living

on the

prairie,

had always enjoyed storms. But now, when the

I

wind screeched

at night

I

would awaken

terrified,

searching for landmarks against which

living room/cockpit,

might judge whether the anchor was dragging. ity to take pleasure in the

sense of safety and

had dinner

warmth

that they lent to shelter. I

kind of moon-faced and viscous

one another and we

parties for

baked salmon and roasted thought

less

I

lost the abil-

awoke frightened

learned to remain in bed, to put a pillow over

I

settled into a I

had

I

unreasonable urgency of storms and the

But slowly the sea retreated and when night

and run into the

and wild

garlic

ease.

my

at

ears. I

My friends and

ate elaborate meals

of

Those evenings

rice.

I

often about asceticism and the redemptive quality of

journeys through deserts on foot.

I

my

met

impending marriage. She directly,

"Why own

not

said she

the news seep to

let

ever not?"

I

through embarrassed

wondered, forgetting for a

It

was a

my mandarin

me

thought that she should

me

cringing cowardice in such matters

and kept eating

ture.

one day and she told

ex-girlfriend for lunch

is

moment

not universal.

of her tell

me

friends.

that I

my

smiled

orange salad.

eating lunch with a piece of devotional sculp-

little like

She was preposterously gracious. She smiled with benignity

and indulgence when

I

told her that

—

but not encouraging both, she said.

I

did not

nodded anyway, At

sea,

memory,

I

had

that

I

perfect. It

I

had missed

her.

Sympathetic

had been a hard winter

for us

know what had made her winter hard,

but

trying to be as empathetic as she was. tried to believe that

I

was distorting her

in

my

was only missing a construction of some masochis-

a

KEVIN PATTERSON

tic

195

need of mine to pine, that

But

loveliness.

I

was exaggerating her kindness and

wasn't so.

it

This did not ease matters in the subsequent weeks for me. She finished her salad

and checked her watch.

I

tried to stop

with

it

telepathy.

me

She told

who had

about a

traveled as a

man

boy

to

she

knew

Winnipeg

in

Rankin

Inlet,

an Inuk

for a series of operations;

in the year and a half he had had to stay in the south he had lived

with her family, gave to

me

to consider

photographs of them together

him and

looked

I

and

as beautiful,

Arctic

who grew

I

him an adopted as children for

at her in these photos,

took them, and a

and gave them

to her brother.

I

two

letter

son. She

me

years old

to take

and

just

she wrote up to the

envied his enduring

affilia-

tion with her.

Rankin

Inlet

is

on the west

dred miles north of the Arctic,

Hudson

hun-

Bay, about four

Like the other

towns

little

in the

buildings cling like barnacles to the sheets of rock that

its

line the coast

The

coast of

treeline.

and slope slowly beneath the

ice like a

doorjamb.

buildings are mostly modular affairs manufactured in the

south and then loaded on barges and shipped north during the brief

summers. Here and there

church, an old shed built by the residence erected

—made

on the

out of timber shipped north and sawn and

spot.

These buildings have a

a feeling of belonging that

name of buildings

This

is

a

is

the area, Keewatin,

scours the

—

is an older wooden building Hudson Bay Company, the nuns'

self-respect

about them,

lacking in the other dwellings.

means north wind, and

The

wind

that

flat land like a sandblaster. Left to themselves, these

would blow

into the sea faster than even Palmyra's did.

topography that has always enforced transience,

as

much

as humility. I

spent

much

eling to the

little

of what remained of the winter and spring

trav-

Hudson

Bay.

Inuit towns that line the coast of

THE WATER

196

BETWEEN

IN

Coral Harbor, Arviat, Whale Cove, Saniqiluaq in the Belcher Islands I

—

remembered

I

gion.

When

minutes to I

laughed

at

I

had

and

the nurses

me and Bay

In Repulse sure.

Inuktitut.

among I

up

my shirt sleeves to show them my tan. They

rolled I

up

theirs.

saw the town

priest to

check his blood pres-

Normandy who

the Inuit since 1948 and thinks and dreams in

had met him before and had come away awed

commitment

and

of my acquaintance where

janitors

Louis Fournier was an Oblate priest from lived

sailing

I

rolled

I

went

them

see

and

tell

had been.

I

again. The Inuit are fundamentally a marnow imagined myself .an acolyte of that reliarrived in these little towns it took me about five

was eager to

itime people,

from before

these towns

to the people

of Repulse Bay and

at his

profound

humility and strength.

He was

patrician severity that

had always associated with Catholic

I

nearly eighty and had

at his

none of the priests.

He had a greenhouse abutting his church and grew flowers in He considered the sexual mores prescribed by the Vatican to unworkable,

at least in the Arctic,

and found

his

he would

fractured French able to

make

invite

would be

sense of

me

me

for a

trotted out

be

own accommo-

dation with his people in matters of desire and passion. visited there,

it.

When

lunch of caribou stew.

and he would pretend

for a little while. Gradually

I

My

to be

we would

switch to English as our conversation grew more engaging.

I

him pipe tobacco and bottles of burgundy. "For the church," he would say, as he accepted them. Minutes later the wine would appear in our glasses and we would drink to the Holy usually brought

Spirit.

This time

I

told

him about my

sailing trip.

I

told

him about

Derrick on Palmyra Atoll and about Don, in search of a wife.

He

told

me

how, in the

his role in the life

fifties,

he had grown dispirited about

of the Inuit and the part he saw the church play-

ing in their cultural assimilation.

The people were coming

the land rapidly then, were giving up their

forgotten

how

to

make

the qayak and were

dependent on kablunauk

pilot biscuits

in off

dog teams, had already becoming

increasingly

and tubs of lard. In Arviat

KEVIN PATTERSON

197

and Baker Lake there was

and the people were dying. At the same time

their migratory path

tuberculosis was epidemic. ter off for contact

He

It

was hard to

with people

and meditate upon

The bishop

his frustrations. Fournier

of the practical

his future.

He

in the winter tropical seas

on the land

stayed out

and a tent

in the

seemed abruptly

and caribou.

peace out there.

and

He

The

less

his dogs.

told role

me

While

his dogsled

with am-

contemplate

My

little

an

iglu

jaunt through

impressive to me, but this was

me

He

his story. live in

and he

built a little

gathered together a cache of

his days

were simple and he knew

clear to

his

own

role within

him, but he enjoyed the

it

soli-

lasted.

it

Within a month of his land came

up

of the church and

become immediately

did not

his crisis as a

for a year, living in

summer.

Fournier found a small valley to for himself

saw

set off to Baffin Island to

not Fournier s intention in telling

tude.

bet-

of his work, but the bishop persisted

effects

munition and food and

seal

how anyone was

suggested that he take a retreat

in his spiritual solution. Fournier loaded

camp

see

Louis Fournier.

like

confessed to his bishop that he thought he was unable to

continue in the order.

result

had changed

terrible famine; the caribou

upon

his little

arrival

he had

Families

visitors.

camp and joined him. The

on the

Inuit have

no

vocabulary for a desire for solitude; under the open frozen arctic sky, there

hunting seal

is

only pleasure in meeting others. Fournier went on

trips

with the

men and

together they

and the caribou. They remained with him.

them

to leave.

He

fluent.

He played with the children. He did not meditate much.

too large for an areas

ions he leave

He

on the

did not ask

His Inuktitut became more

For a time he considered setting off on his

nomadic people, and

was not

feasted

did not find any epiphanies forming within

himself.

a

all

in their

game

own

tradition,

own again. This was when bands became

to support they split up. Aggregation

He made plans to leave. He told his companwould move on. He didn't. His companions would not inevitable.

him

alone.

They understood more of isolation,

loneliness

and

THE WATER

198

self-sufficiency

BETWEEN

IN

than anyone and they would not leave him alone.

In the end he returned to Repulse Bay.

We ate our stew. on the

left

asked the priest what he thought he achieved

He changed

land.

ity to truly isolate

has not

I

the subject.

I

suspect that in his inabil-

himself Pere Fournier had found his insight.

tion of the sort that Moitessier experienced.

It is difficult

for certain because Fournier himself deflects

on

this point.

He

home there, in church. He grows

his little irises in

liturgical literature

two crossed narwhal

I

met

the greenhouse.

from France. The

in the Arctic, flying

The house

between

villages,

He had

only

his little

piled high

church

is

Up

nurses

one of relentless

practiced for years

tapping on

effusions.

They spoke of him

zlement. is

is

tusks.

and draining pleural

treated.

is

crucifix in his

I

came

notes in the charts of many of the old Inuit

and

know

direct questions

house in Repulse Bay and in

a dying doctor in Rankin Inlet.

babies

any

to

has remained in the Arctic, however, and

at

with

He

the people since. This might have been a transforma-

bellies, delivering

across his clinical

men and women I met

affectionately but with

there, the pattern

some puz-

of teachers and physicians and

rotation; almost

nobody

stays for

more

than the two or three years that the contracts stipulate and the Inuit

grow weary of explaining

their circumstances over

again to yet another fresh foreign face. told

me

that southerners just

to see oddities,

and

came up

and over

One assertive young woman there like a visit to the zoo,

are relieved to get

away again

to brag about

having been there.

The dying man had tried to become a part of that place. He knew Louis Fournier. He spoke of the priest as the man he would have liked to have been. To have belonged to these people.

when he had arrived a decade hunt much or to spend winter nights

But the doctor was already earlier.

He was

too

on the tundra, and

frail

to

ill

so, despite his desire,

he did not become a

mem-

— KEVIN PATTERSON

199

ber of the community.

The people who

me, reading and listening to the

marking time and waiting

stayed in their houses, like

radio, declared themselves to be

The only

for their return to the south.

thing that distinguished the old doctor was his persistence there.

He had

fallen in love

with the people and had committed himself

But there are

to them.

and

acts

qualities necessary for

The weak do not

be sustained. Strength, for instance.

He

well.

his

could not do the things that

men

often love

and

in that land did

so

admiration for the Inuit had remained a distanced regard.

And

and had been com-

so he drank himself into dissolution

He

pelled to retire.

referred to the matter as his disability, suggest-

ing perhaps that his back had given out on him. his

intimacy to

house and, in the course of

did not challenge

There was a teacher

two

him on

woman

into a tender

would

be.

By

in

long conversations there,

he lived with, the

I

the time

alone and so neither of them

I

white school-

his wife, a

town nearly as long

and wildly

accelerated the other's drinking

the end

him

the point.

who had stayed in

fell

many

visited

I

as

he had. These

Each

self-destructive embrace.

and they were both aware of what

met him, he was too infirm

left.

His

was

liver

failing

me

to the nursing station periodically to have

to live

and he came

drain the ascites

the fluid oozing from his diseased liver into his abdominal cav-

—

ity

so that he

He was

might breathe more

easily.

sometimes delirious those days, from the accumula-

tion of toxic protein metabolites in his blood.

an important point, to establish

measure of the severity of

just

how

mind

and he was able

These were painful encounters with the old

man when

as a

Sometimes he phoned

his liver failure.

cleared

was thought to be

confused he was,

the nurses to talk and whispered gibberish to utes before his

It

them

to say

for the nurses,

for

many min-

what he wished.

who had worked

he had been healthier and had loved

his

kindness.

The full

doctor was an intelligent

and promising.

Navy

dentist,

man and

He had been born

in

and had studied medicine

his early life

had been

Burma, the son of a Royal at

Cambridge. There had

THE WATER

200

IN

BETWEEN

been some service in the Royal Navy, and then he had come to

Canada, with a young a time

and then,

family.

in the

He worked

wake of a

in British

Columbia

for

and the

disintegrating marriage

voiced suggestions of his overfondness for alcohol, he had

first

returned to university to study anthropology. Chatwin had done the same thing after the mysterious "ocular ailment"

had ended

his

time at Sotheby's. In the course of the doctor s studies he conducted excavations

of pre- European contact camp

sites in

He

the Arctic.

was moved by the inhospitality of the tundra, by the

made no

land

men and women who

explained this to

abdomen, hoping not to follow. In the art

and

me

his brother, three

it

became suddenly

He

as a

means

to live in

inserted a needle into his

he was hard

like the

clear that

he thought

was

I

thousand miles away in England.

whiskey that was

fluid seeping out, looking re-

its

causal origin, the old doctor

He had

chatted about travel literature.

I

I

to puncture his bowel; at times,

As we both watched the amber and

fact that the

middle of a long and elevated conversation about

literature

markably

as

he

struggled there. After he

graduated, he returned to medicine, but only

He

me

pretense of welcoming or sheltering people.

loved the gentle

the north.

told

long ago read Joshua

Slocum and Chichester. The idea of frontier had captivated him, had drawn him into abandoning

too,

his marriage

and

lucrative

medical practice in the south, drawn him to the Arctic and the

winds

there, just as his

beginning to

fail

own papery

skin

and

him.

mentioned Bruce Chatwin's writing and

I

his eyes

Songlines" he whispered, "is a very beautiful book,

and

bones were

brittle

subtext. Poor

Chatwin has been

called so

full

lit

up. "The

of subtlety

many names

over

With a mind to the warnings about the doctors confusion, I asked him if he knew where Chatwin lived presently. The doctor looked up at me and knew that

book and what he must

that

I

knew Chatwin was

dead.

from me, out the window. cold rock, ashamed.

think."

I

He said so and then he looked away

looked

at the

snow blowing over

the

KEVIN PATTERSON

I

visited

him

and he was though

it

in his

lonely.

was

201

home. His wife was often away His house was

conferences

like a cave cut into the

dry and dusty

as dark,

at

as a

broom

closet.

snow,

There were

boxes stacked everywhere that had not been unpacked in the years he

and

his wife

on every horizontal cigarette ash

pered,

heaped in

and invited

about the

Empty whiskey bottles stood

lived there.

surface alongside overflowing ashtrays with little piles

couch and reading

his

he

had

five

He was

Yeats.

He was

around them.

on

sitting

pleased to see me, he whis-

me to sit down beside him. He spoke to me He would have liked to have had more time,

Irish poets.

study them.

said, to

and

to the dark

It

for that time

to a hermit in a cave.

it

was

like

I

for

was blind and speaking

mouth

every time

I

across the tundra

far as

Repulse Bay.

I

tongue

in

town who had

from Churchill and were headed north,

We

the local newspaper.

my

inhaled.

There were some American snowmobilers

come

my eyes to adjust

was so smoky in that room

It

stuck to the roof of my

many minutes

took

as

had both read an interview with them in

asked the old doctor

why he thought

these

people were traveling through the Arctic, whether he thought that they represented something of Chatwin's sentiments about

nomadism and

He

pursed his

the possibility of redemption through

lips at that

interested in that at land, to

might

asked

me

thought

if

so.

made I

I

was

said

I

in the

said that

He

I

said, no,

he didn't think they were

thought they wanted to conquer the their

machines equal to the power

thought vanity could

initiate actions

end have something more noble about them.

we were

tion for travel for

He

show themselves and

of the tundra. that

all.

and

movement.

still

nodded.

talking about the snowmobilers.

He

I

He

said

I

said that he thought that the motiva-

was very important. What the person was looking

the only difference between tourism and traveling. I

thought we were

now.

all tourists,

He said he supposed

right.

"So should

we

all

just stay

home?"

I

asked.

THE WATER

202

"Yes,"

he

said.

IN

BETWEEN

"But we should think harder about where we

choose to make our homes.

And how we

live there."

"But what about Chatwin and his idea about the ing in one place, in

cities

and

any

in houses,

of

effect

liv-

sort

of permanent

He is

talking about

habitation?"

"Chatwin

is

getting at a fact of our history.

our origins on the savannah.

He

long for that, and maybe he

is

thought that right.

some

at

level

we

But that has nothing

still

to

do

with jetting off to some strange place for a few weeks or months

and

who live there." be a nomad anymore, and wander around

staring at the people

"Can anyone

really

and

self-sufficiently

Chatwin

endlessly?

He made

out of what he found in the desert.

make

didn't

his clothes

forays out

from a

base and took what he needed with him."

"That

Not

making an

is

expedition,

my

boy, not being a

nomad.

in the anthropologic sense."

"So nomadism demands self-sufficiency

as

much

does

as it

motion." "It's

the principal difference between

nomads and

urbanites,

I

think."

He

paused to cough and

idea. Cities

wouldn't

light a cigarette. "It's

make people

so crazy these days if their in-

habitants weren't confined to cities city-dwellers,

by

an important

and shackled

to

all

the other

necessity. Specialization, anthropologists call that.

Super-specialization, these days."

"Maybe Chatwin about

wasn't talking about

That Sotheby's

notebooks and just

business,

his education.

more of this educated and

the sort that

As

if

at all,

but

cities."

"Oh yes. And the thing is, self.

nomadism

he

is

and

entirely a product of cities all

the talk about his moleskin

His admiration of nomads

own

intelligence

of super-specialization. grubber himself.

He

is

really

privileged Briton's self-contempt, of

became wearisomely prevalent

the man's

him-

in the early eighties.

and erudition weren't an extreme

wouldn't have lasted long

Have you seen

pictures?

The man was

as a root-

a wisp!'

KEVIN PATTERSON

"But no one

nobody land.

else

No

"The

is.

203

anymore. Chatwin wasn't and

self-sufficient

is

No

one feeds and clothes themselves

just off the

one remembers how." Inuit were doing

it

until thirty years ago."

"But even they don't anymore." "You're right."

We drink.

I

sat there in silence.

Then he asked me

would have

if I

a

said yes.

One day

in the nursing station

I

found, in a stack of medical

update tapes on evolving strategies in the treatment of otitis media

and meningitis, a videotape that had been made when the old

man had worked

in the hospital in Churchill, four

to the south. In

he gave a long lecture on the history of the Inuit

and

it

their culture as

when

frail

it

existed in the pre-contact era.

the tape had been

around

elf-like tufts

made and But

his ears.

hundred miles

He was

already

his thin hair stuck

his delight in the topic

up

was

in

evi-

dent and his eyes sparked as he described the sophistication of the

technology developed by the people. I

learned that at almost the same time as the Polynesians were

discovering

New

Zealand, the Thule culture of the

far

sweeping across the Arctic, a similarly maritime and

mobile

folk,

whaling and

north was relentlessly

with sophisticated technologies of boat-building and seal

hunting.

They were

the

first

to use the qayak,

and

the umiak, the large open boat with which they traveled the north-

ern coasts, wandering incessantly, in search of caribou and bow-

head whales and ring and bearded

As with the Polynesians,

seals.

this exploration

and colonization had

proceeded in a sudden explosion of activity. In the space of a few generations, the qayak Arctic sea

and were

and the umiak spread eastward

sailing along the coasts

across the

of Greenland, thousands

of miles from where they had originated, near Alaska. Thousands of miles farther than the Vikings

had had

to travel

from

Iceland.

THE WATER

204

Like the Polynesians (who gave us the English

tom) the Inuit tattooed themselves, and the

wore elaborate

facial tattoos that

hospital in Churchill there

marked

IN

word

women

BETWEEN

for the cus-

in particular

their marriages. In the

was a framed photograph of a

who had dark blue-black lines

tattooed

on her

her jaw to her cheeks in nearly the same

face,

manner

woman

spreading from

as the

Polynesian

who wore them. It was not possible to hang this picture on the wall, as the woman was thought to be a shaman and the other old people had been frightened of her. The style.

She was one of the

photograph

last

behind a chair in the nurses' lounge.

sat

She looked

tiny, this

old

woman from

wore a hospital housecoat. Over the ID bracelet, floors

Baker Lake, and she

tattoos

on one

wrist

and behind her the shiny polished white

of the hospital were exactly

as

they are today.

It

was an

walls

and

was only a

The woman was dead of lung

few years

old, this

cer now,

was already dying when the photograph was taken. She

photograph.

would have been born

in

married before the

World War, before

the old gods. She

First

them

consider

The

Inuit

pletely as

any

iglu or a tent

and would have been the priests

came

to kill

would have been astonished and delighted with

kerosene lanterns and last to

an

can-

oil furnaces,

would have been among the

optional.

embodied Chatwin's idea about nomadism culture,

and

I

wondered,

as

I

worked up

he had never traveled to the Arctic. The tundra

is

as

com-

there,

why

so fragile that

neither the caribou, nor the creatures that eat them, can stay in

any one place is

such that

creatures

for

it is

who

more than

a few weeks.

The

delicacy of the land

quickly depleted, overgrazed and overhunted;

live

all

here have to migrate, and not in pursuit of

epiphany.

in

The people lived for weeks and months at a time on the sea ice houses made of snow. Their mobility was never hampered by

the luxury that a realized spareness

life;

Chatwin

describes as the principal

the idea of the Inuit

itself.

is

the idea of

impediment

to

nomadism and

KEVIN PATTERSON

I

asked an old

205

man whether

whether he thought

dra,

he missed those days on the tun-

his life

was better

town than

in

it

had

He laughed and said, "You know, kablunauks are always talking about how warm the iglu is. The iglu is made out of snow. It can only get so warm and then it falls in. Iglus are cold. been on the land.

I

my house."

like living in

Other people land.

I

They missed

met

told

me

that they did miss the time

on the

the sense of constancy, the sense that the knowl-

edge and experience and wisdom of the old people were valuable

and important. They understood the caribou, and they knew how

way on the land. Now, they complained, the old people felt irrelevant. The young hunters took the GPS devices with them when they went out on the land, and when it was time to find their way home the GPS did it for them. to find their

An old man I saw in the clinic in Rankin Inlet told me about "When I was a boy we learned what the land looked like,

this.

and we knew the inukshuks that the people had

built

on the

land,

we were a part of the land and we knew it because if we didn't we would not live. Now these computers that the young people use to find their way it makes them afraid of the land." because

—

(Inukshuks axe piles of stacked stones that serve as landmarks in the swirling snow.)

"But people have always gotten

lost

on the

land, even

when

you were young." "Yes,

many

times."

"And

these

GPSes almost always work."

"But they make you afraid of what you should know." I

We

thought about

were

that.

The

old

man

sitting together in the clinic

wanted some ointment

to put

on

looked

me

impatiently.

examining room and he

his athlete's foot.

dering what he was going to have to do to get the tube.

at

me

He was won-

to just give

him

THE WATER

206

I

Don, He had

received a letter from

man who

friend of a

up

just outside

was looking

He had become

Omoka, and

the Sea

with a bowline, to a coconut

it,

for a wife. Joe

a close

house was on the

lived there, Joe Tangi. Joe's

other side of the lagoon from

from Tahiti

sailed the boat

back to Penrhyn, and was very happy.

BETWEEN

IN

Mouse was

tree.

was enthusiastic about

Don

tied

really

this idea

and

was quite certain that one could be found. The transmission was

Don wrote. He needed more money. He was very happy.

fixed

now,

The

Sea Mouse was tied to a coconut

and the Arctic was corrosively

In the emergency

room

stints

up north,

with.

Ron Maier and

in

cold.

Winnipeg where

was a doctor

there

worked between

I

had gone

I

had become

I

was February then

tree. It

to medical school

close friends, spending our

afternoons at the cafe near our apartments playing chess and,

exams approached, reading textbooks and quizzing each

know whether that time was remember it, but when I shut my eyes I can

when

other.

It is

really as pleasant as

difficult to

taste the omelettes

I

they

served in that cafe, and smell the Turkish cigarettes the Russian

we had

often been

my memories

of that year

emigre cab drivers smoked there. As interns assigned to the same wards together and

of sticky-mouthed fatigue are of him ousness and caffeine

When effects

had

I

when

I

sea

smoky prairie

either going

the

army we had It

it

all

senting myself to

from the

fine to find

his wife, Colleen.

to bars

found myself

I

him

telling

and Palmyra and they both leaned forward bars

to stay for

was

they are of deliri-

drifted apart,

was very

and asked

me to

tell

good on Penrhyn or

them. You guys should come with me, help

Soon

as

was down from the Arctic we went

and played cards with

them about the

much

jitters.

left for

of geography and distraction.

here again and

those

as

we

my

talked about. friends as

I

in

them more. Don was

fly

home

alone,

I

told

me bring my boat back.

felt like

an imposter, repre-

any kind of authority on matters

KEVIN PATTERSON

maritime. But

we

207

talked about storms

and the

different strategies

had been employed on the Sea Mouse and we talked about the

that

aerodynamics of triangular

we were

all

excited

and about cooking

sails

and imagining

that

we were

and soon

at sea

already out there.

We started drawing up menus and going to gadget shops together. One

of us bought a portable chess

chopped

gloves with the fingers

when you

One at

work.

way

on the

pull

night It

ropes.

Ron and

It

And

set.

off,

was a

groovy

so your hands won't get sore

of fun.

lot

Colleen picked

me up when

we

horizontal, the sun

an iced tea when

Ron: is

is

"It's

so bright I

wake

night and

it's

up.

so hot

I

We got to warm

and found a ing darts

many stars

out

it

our

faces.

it

was packed.

We stumbled in

We shrugged off our enormous

table beside the dartboards.

There was a

of us suggested we go across the

rant to get something to eat.

seemed

and the parkas

woman

play-

who knew Ron and Colleen. Her name was Jude. Ron and

One

the Sea

looks like mica

paint."

Colleen met other friends of theirs and Jude and darts.

I

sighing.

the bar and

air blasted

my eyes.

can only wear shorts, the boat

powder has been thrown on wet black

Me,

and I'm

can hear the sea surging along."

I

rocking slowly and there are so

"Yeah."

and sun-

suit

have to put a hat over

I

On the

bar.

fantasized aloud about tropical heat

drenched languor. Colleen: "I'm wearing a bathing

sip

got through

I

was insanely cold and we decided to go to a

there,

sailing

little

Mouse and Don, and interested.

Over

Over the

I

started playing

street to

appetizers

I

some

restau-

told her about

my plans to bring the boat home.

coffee,

I

asked her

She said yes without even swallowing.

if she

wanted

to

She

come.

Qhapter thirteen

Ron, Colleen Jude, reminded me of my

and

first

I

quickly

sunblock and snack food.

flashlights.

And

as

I

went

country with an like

tried

we

forget

hard not to think about storms

as houses. Flashlights,

we needed more

We each accu-

we deemed essential. eat supper with her mother who lived in

full

to

towels,

We

of knickknacks

apiarist.

I

had never met a beekeeper.

It

the

sounded

Jude had a very complicated relationship with her mother.

couple of times

morning and was

I

sunglasses with ultraviolet coating.

mulated duffelbags Jude and

high

trivialities:

and sun-dried tomatoes. Mustn't

to have nice towels,

and about waves

into a fervor that

preparations for going to sea.

spent most of our time occupied with

had

fell

as if

I

when

she slept over she called her mother in the

listened in

bed

to

one half of the conversation;

her mother was a jealous lover being mollified. Until

heard about the bees

I

A it I

was frightened of meeting the woman. Her

KEVIN PATTERSON

mother had

209

ideas about

what Jude should be doing with her

by her

age. Yikes.

But domesticated

was

late spring

when we went

It

arist.

The

prairie

bees.

color. Jude's

api-

mother and her

lover lived in a

The

beehives hadn't

house surrounded by poplar and spruce fields yet for

them and she explained struction,

mother and the

to visit her

was gorgeous. As we drove out there we both

became drunk with been placed in

life,

and about how

the summer. Jude and

me

to

trees.

I

walked among

about the subtleties of beehive con-

in the wild the hive spends

most of its

energy laying eggs and caring for the pupae. In the domesticated beehive, however, there were narrow passages built to keep the bees

necessary for egg-laying confined to one small part of the hive.

Elsewhere, the workers

made honey and

sealed

it

up with beeswax,

wondering why there were so damn few pupae around. In the meantime, ours

is

not to reason why.

And the more honey the bet-

Buzz, buzz, buzz.

ter.

me the presses and the devices used to extract the combs. She told me about the taste of buckwheat

Jude showed

honey from the

honey versus

sunflower and wildflower.

clover,

She talked about the mite disease that

North America and she told

me

to control the interbreeding

between

ing thing," she said,

is

sweeping through

about the techniques

"how you can

hives. "It's the

apiarists use

most

interest-

slowly build your hives up until

they are healthier and healthier, and you get a sense of their character, their aggressiveness, their

over time.

You help them.

Her mother and books.

Ben

Okri's The

They

the apiarist fed us and later

Famished Road.

at a tree.

The city.

teacher.

we

talked about

She was reading

A pileated woodpecker began hamstood up to watch it better. We

apiarist

crowded around the window. The sun

our way back into the

get stronger

pretty satisfying."

Her mother had been an English

mering away all

It's

determination.

set

We held hands

and Jude and

as she drove.

I

made

THE WATER

210

IN

BETWEEN

Jude was twenty-eight and a kindergarten teacher. She described the children she taught in such affectionate terms she was pretty

much

A few

months

earlier she

had broken up with

a long-time boyfriend because he

had made

it

incoherent.

wanted

children.

cently they

thing just

Her brother had married

had had

felt

their first baby.

clear that

he never

a pediatrician

They were very happy.

so right over at their house, Jude said.

and

re-

Every-

a necessary

It's

step in personal evolution, she said, taking care of little ones. This

conversation was at night, in

and looking out

cigarette

my

apartment. She was smoking a

at the dark.

In another three weeks

we would be

at sea,

but headed home.

The General's Wife

My last year in the army

my enormous relief,

was posted, to

I

from

the artillery regiment to the National Defence Medical Centre in

Ottawa. This business in Ottawa struck

and

sicknesses that could be treated ratory.

drove eastward smiling

I

Happy

all

me

CT

kind of idyll, with

as a

scanners and a real labo-

the way, listening to "Shiny

People" by R.E.M. over and over again. That winter

worked on the

internal medicine wards

neurology, gastroenterology:

—nephrology,

the "ologies."

all

I

I

respirology,

began with oncol-

ogy, the cancer ward.

The

cancer patients in that hospital could be broadly divided

and lymphomas,

into those with leukemia

generally

whom

some hope of

cure,

there was generally

to be found,

it

was in the

soldiers, stricken-looking

for

and those with

no such optimism.

relative ages

and

feeling

whom

there

solid tumors, for If there

was solace

of these two groups: young

newly mortal had mostly

leukemias or lymphomas, while the oat-cell lung cancers and

comas and retired.

clear-cell

carcinomas

They eroded

—

was

sar-

these were older soldiers mostly

steadily over the year following their diag-

KEVIN PATTERSON

211

noses in a succession of reversals leading to rout. lapse has an unmistakable air about

me. Abandoned

when you

when I

see that.

knew no one

and older than

in

was.

I

for the army, or it.

in

its trail

no denying what

is

taking

painful to look upon, he said, even

It is

My colleagues

Ottawa.

at the hospital

were

None of them

shared

my

intense antipathy

After the round of welcome parties and introductions,

to spending

my

lie

they did were circumspect enough not to give

if

emerged with about

to

officer told

and kind men and women, but they were mostly married

pleasant

I

is

in col-

the enemy.

it is

voice to

an old armored

it,

guns and sloughed off uniforms

field

of disintegrating order and there place

An army

my

many

friends as

I

wrote more

me

in concern,

my

letters in

have ever written in

I

began phoning

when

I'd arrived. I

took

evenings reading in one of two restaurants close

apartment.

Ottawa than

as

my life.

and

first

few weeks in

Friends from back west

learned to rein in those

I

let-

ters a bit. I

became

he and

I

friends with a waiter at

one of the

restaurants,

on Sunday evenings,

ate supper together

and

his night off.

His name was Pierre and he had spent his twenties trying to be an

He had

actor.

delusions,

castic jokes at his

might be

eventually

abandoned what he

called his self-

and he spent these suppers making detached and

own

He told me he had

expense.

sar-

never had what

called a relationship in his thirty-five years, although

he

number of cocks he had sucked in the back seat public parks. I sat stupidly silent when he told me

couldn't count the

of taxis and in that.

We

were eating cannelloni with ricotta and pesto.

spent the afternoon working on

it.

It

was

He had

delicious. For dessert

there were poires belle Helene. Magnificent.

The

thing about a solid tumor

oncology

floor,

it's

is,

if

the patient winds

up on the

because the tumor has spread or metastasized

before surgery could excise

it.

There may have been happier out-

THE WATER

212

IN

BETWEEN

comes following the detection of these tumors, but we never saw

They went home from the surgical floor and did not return. When we met them, it was through the introduction of a chagrined surgeon, who assured them that this just meant having to put up with hospital food for a few more months, and then they'd be back on the links, they'd see. These folks do wonthose patients.

ders.

I'll

The

be around to see you soon. Take care now.

nephroma from her had

had

general's wife

first

undergone excision of a hyper-

kidney. Then, as the metastases appeared, she'd

and then

a lung resection

a

craniotomy for the tumor in her

brain. This sort of surgical practice

or metastases

Once

the

—

—removing secondary tumors

called cherry-picking

is

tumor has

spread, the seed

more growths appear

by

skeptical internists.

in the soil and, as

is

more and

in the surgically debilitated body, aggressive

attempts to remove individual tumors only hasten the patient's

The

demise.

general's wife

was passed on to the oncology

service

by the surgeons with evident reluctance. Her husband was a war hero and seemed at one point or another to have

commanded

everyone in the Canadian army.

The day we met

I

clear.

As

for

a patient.

I

me,

knew

ilarly afflicted

reports

I

room while

stood in her

replacing said goodbye to her.

They admired one

knew enough of the that she

would be

the doctor

another,

military to be

three times the

major or sergeant, so often would

and tending

I

me

I

was

seemed

wary of such

work of a sim-

be giving status

to the concerns of third cousins

colleagues of her husband. This irritated

it

and former

in anticipation.

She knew her medical circumstances thoroughly and gave

me

an accurate and succinct summary of her operations and the complications of her therapy.

what the end of all

much

like

this

It

seemed

would

be.

I

to

me

that she understood

took notes

rapidly, feeling as

her steno clerk as one of her physicians. After she com-

pleted her recitation,

no doubt given a score of

me

about myself.

my

family was back west and

I

smiled uncomfortably. No, I

didn't

know

I

if I

times, she asked

was not married,

would remain

in

KEVIN PATTERSON

the military

213

upon the completion of my

Very good, she

said,

and

I

obligatory service,

understood that

said.

I

had been dismissed.

I

The chemotherapy began that day and the service chief reme her blood work and the therapeutic plan. A full

viewed with

colonel, the service chief had life

and took very

spoke to

been in the military her entire adult

seriously the importance of this patient.

me sternly about the necessity of our care being seen

highly competent and compassionate.

She said she hoped

I

I

assured her

my

table

I

I'd

to be

understood.

I

did.

In the restaurant that night Pierre was irritable

concerned that

She

and

distracted.

somehow offended him. When he

sat

I

was

down

at

asked what the matter was. Nothing, he assured me,

lighting a cigarette briskly.

my

looked across

I

novel at him.

He

me about my day. I told him about the general s wife having quizzed me about my personal life. He listened, uninterested. A asked

friend of his

was

just go, anytime.

sick, too, I

nodded.

he

Sorry,

We

sat there. All

of this could

He didn't want to sound like some first-

year philosophy major but,

Me, shaking

said.

God, what

lasts?

His voice breaking.

my head.

he

said, patting

my

hand and

rising to greet a party at

the door in his usual ebullient manner.

You

are too old not to have started a family, the general's wife

informed me. at

I

put

my stethoscope back in my pocket and looked

her fluid balance sheet.

The

her.

toxicity of the

You must drink more, ma'am,

cyclophosphamide

.

.

.

Yes, yes, she

I

told

knew

all that. It's

own

not just a question of duty, she

said,

it's

a matter of your

growth. You will not be complete until you have faced these

THE WATER

214

matters. is

When

you

are older,

the only thing that sustains

agreed that

I

isfied

with

it

will

you

IN

be what you are proud

in the end. sat-

that.

oncos, the

Greek for

crab. Hippocrates envi-

sioned the claws shredding the body from within.

metaphor.

The

of that

and winter. With each return

general's wife declined steadily

plication emerged: she

had blood

more tumors appeared

in her brain.

no more

of. It

was an admirable undertaking. She was not

it

Oncology comes from

fall

BETWEEN

illusions

an apt

It is

through the course

to the hospital a

clots in her legs

new com-

and abdomen,

By Christmas her

family had

about the effectiveness of our treatment; never-

on continuing

theless she insisted

it.

Resignation was not an option

for her, she said.

By February

she could hardly speak, and her previously unac-

cented English became unavailable to her.

with her in I

is

my

I

struggled to converse

inadequate French. "Avez-vous douleur,

called into her ear.

Her husband would

Madame?"

me. "No, she

translate for

comfortable, she says."

took to spending quiet hours during

I

up with him

in her

my

call

nights sitting

room. She was so weak. The general had com-

manded a francophone infantry regiment during the Second World War. With peace he had returned to his wife and her family's logging business in the Gaspesie.

When the Korean matter broke out,

there was a shortage of experienced francophone ders

and he was sought out and asked

relief,

the logging business having

left

to re-enlist.

him bored

field

He

comman-

did so with

to the point of

paralysis.

His battalion, along with the

rest

vanced rapidly into North Korea

of the

after

Inchon. There was talk of continuing River, the

Chinese

tems worked, the

frontier.

tactics

Everyone

UN

forces,

had ad-

MacArthur's landing all

the

felt like

way

at

to the Yalu

a hero. All the sys-

seemed designed with

prescience.

There

KEVIN PATTERSON

215

had never been an army

mood

the

been

he

fine,

UN

He

me he remembered advance. He smiled. It had

on the

in the kitchen messes

When the

like this one.

told

said.

men and

the Chinese intervened with a million

army back on

thing he ever saw.

its

heels,

almost to Seoul,

One day on his right,

it

threw

was the worst

an entire American brigade

was nearly surrounded. His battalion held the only high ground

They could

the area.

see the

Americans being cut

apart.

in

Their

brigade hospital was blown to pieces. Again and again the infantry

back and attempted to hold a new

fell

ther back.

had

too,

The primary

all

the brigade was doing. In the

no idea what the remainder of

smoke and

dropped

their

call in artillery

man

and leaned back stories over

this

new problem and

perceptive;

have ing

known

in

my chair.

and over again

of,

we had

this. I

It

seemed

like

I

and

that winter

had heard the it

was hard to

He was smart

spent enough time together that he would

had seen nothing

couldn't foresee doing

similar to

what he had done.

charging any machine-gun nests, and nobody either. It

for

room, which had grown abruptly

be interested in one more old man's youthful heroism.

and

com-

in his battalion slept.

sat in that little hospital

same war

his

on the attacking Chinese columns

below him. The Chinese turned to face four days not a

Further

thousand men, mutinied and

weapons, heading south. The general had

pany commanders

smaller,

haze, firefights broke out

UN platoons thinking one another the Chinese.

to the west an entire division, twenty

I

only to be forced fur-

been abandoned; everything was being improvised in

the panic. Individual companies had

between

line,

defense lines and then the secondary ones,

was another time and not

I

wasn't going to be

knew was going

to

my time. He saw my impatience.

Soldiers think that their organization cling maniacally to their

I

what he was speak-

is

eternal,

manufactured traditions

he

said.

They

in order to per-

suade themselves of the solidity and permanence of the world.

They think

that if only they can

make themselves and

their soci-

ety sufficiently rigid, they'll be able to face this thing that they

cannot even imagine until they are in

it.

And

they do believe in

THE WATER

216

of

this construct

BETWEEN

IN

penitent monks, they believe.

theirs; like

Then

with the most violently chaotic and disordering

they're confronted

phenomenon imaginable

and,

determined jaws slacken in eye resolve into the

goes badly, in a few hours the

if it

fear

and

narrowed-

tears chase all that

mud.

He told me that in the subsequent years of peace,

—

he thought about the most

this

was what

the doctrine that the soldiers

all

learned in peacetime, endless training and whole working lifetimes

spent preparing for this thing, that however

would not resemble

their expectations in

army, he said, prepares for the

you

that

The days.

I

will

might turn out,

any meaningful way. Every

war. All

you know

for certain

general

me

had grown concerned about

in his wife's final

stayed late most nights then; the workload that

home and

told

When I restaurant.

me

that

I

her.

He

brought

me

month had

sandwiches from

didn't look well.

read her obituary in the newspaper

She had been famous in her own

work with war orphans.

Pierre

I

was

right,

sitting in the I

learned, for

was having a slow night and

in the oscillating fortunes of our friendship that winter,

again familiar. Pierre's friend had grown very privately,

is

be surprised.

been insane, even without

her

last

it

not showing

me much

distress.

ill

He

we were

and he had grieved hadn't complained

again of his isolation, at least not explicitly, and there developed a

breezy quality to our discourse that had not been present

On

the local news that night

service. Beside

younger

The

old

him stood

his

saw the general

many children and

at the funeral

their spouses.

men and women stood there blinking away man wept disconsolately. I watched him closely,

The

their tears.

stood hunched over in the his sons,

I

earlier.

but

I

am

late

as

he

winter snow, propped up by one of

unable to say what endured, for him.

(Jhapter fourteen

Navigation Accurate dead reckoning especially so

when one

sail an erratic course

is

difficult

there

is

not suffice, since the boat

.

but

it is

may

no one at the helm, and

very often, temporary course changes,

for instance, will go unrecorded.

vessel,

because the boat

sails alone,

when

on any

.

from a

windshift,

Averaging yaws may

.

may swing in one direction and

remain therefor a longer period than she does in the opposite direction.

Most

.

.

.

offshore sailors use taffrail logs

towed astern

record distance traveled]. These are quite accurate,

[to

and

they use no electricity, but their rotors are occasionally

fouled with weed or bitten off by large fish. or two should be carried, tive to fish

and they are said to

be

extra rotor attrac-

less

when painted black.

richard Henderson,

Rarotonga out of the sea

is

one

Singlehanded Sailing

of Darwin's high

like Tahiti or

Moorea,

islands,

down

sand shore and beyond, the reef

island seems directly out of a Somerset

low whitewashed buildings that

it

juts

line the streets

mounaround. The

off the

all

Maugham

and evocatively of its not-very-distant colonial

and

of craggy and lush

full

foreboding, streams of mist sweeping tain to the hot

An

story,

and the

speak eloquently

history.

THE WATER

218

There

a parliament building there now,

is

dot the coast.

resorts

and alcohol anyone

is

was

on from Rarotonga

Immediately

little

we had

decided.

on Rarotonga, and

available

did not allow

much

luggage.

we checked into our little huts I walked The Sea Mouse wasn't there yet. This was not

after

to the harbor.

that surprising.

I

mind of

Penrhyn would have been an expen-

to

sive trip in a small light aircraft that

only a

to Tahiti

in the Avatiu harbor.

sense to meet there than Penrhyn,

There were supplies and equipment

down

It is

Provincial, but not in the

meet us with the Sea Mouse

to

made more

flying

hospital;

flight lands regularly

and without permits.

New York.

to

Zealand

and a

there.

Don It

New

Air

available freely

is

what Buffalo

An

BETWEEN

IN

walked back to the motel. Colleen and Jude were

I

disappointed at the news.

"Maybe another day or two,"

said, "or three."

We

spent that day walking through Avatiu. Even by Mani-

toban standards

it's

we walked from end

a small town;

course of an unambitious afternoon.

The ocean was

Casablanca.

main road and,

inland, the

It

looked

like Rick's

on one

at all times visible

mountain sloped

end

to

steeply

in the

Cafe-era

side

of the

enough

that

the big Pacific rollers erupting against the reef were always visible.

We spent the next day snorkeling in the lagoon inside the reef. We ate a picnic on the beach and

I

studied the horizon for signs of

the Sea Mouses white masts. Jude kept trying to

with me.

found myself preoccupied with the

I

Ron and Colleen them

that

it

expected to

asked

a passage.

skinned Canadians,

we groaned

We

me if I thought the boat was okay.

wasn't unusual for the Sea

make in

make conversation upcoming voyage.

We

all

Mouse

I

assured

to take longer than

watched the horizon. Pasty-

we should have watched

the time. That night

crimson agony.

discovered that the owners of the motel, a retired English

nurse and her oil-worker husband had

Graham, the Palmyra dead, ited in the course

in

Aden

known Mac and Muff

in 1964,

where they had

vis-

of their circumnavigation. Lois, the nurse, lent

Jude a copy of And the Sea Will

Tell.

KEVIN PATTERSON

I

had gone on

219

some length about what

at

had taken

I

to be the

When Jude came upon Bugliosi's

extraordinary beauty of Palmyra.

portrayal of that atoll as a haunted, sinister place, inhabited only

by Hitchcockian seabirds and the

wondered aloud just how much

Mouse beyond any

of eerie discontent, she

spirit

had distorted the

I

sea

reasonable person's recognition.

It

and the Sea

was actually

good question.

a pretty

There was a thatched-roof bar beside the harbor where the beer was cheap and boat people drank and told

my

friends to take a walk.

ing a

book and

I

He

said

it

was singlehanding

was the best so

his

the

—

way around

was

the world

his third trip

around

far.

"You mustn't have much room

"More than enough

I left

A Frenchman named Michel

in a tiny, twenty- three- foot catamaran. It

and he

One night

found myself sitting in the bar read-

feeling self-conscious.

approached me.

stories.

in there,"

singlehanding,

most part of one's time up

said to him.

I

necessary to spend

it is

top, steering

and keeping watch."

"That must get exhausting."

"One

time, in a storm,

I

was unable to leave the wheel, the

waves were so large she would have foundered instantement, not in

let

go of the wheel even to

my foul-weather

gear,

shit or piss

and kept

"You don't

say."

"Oh

can be hard, the

yes,

it

and

so

I

max," he put

known

waving

sea, in a leetle boat."

it

was

flat

calm

was not so grand,

and smoking hashish

all

races,

and

—"such an

anticli-

And

he had

his cigarette over his head.

Moitessier. "But he

in the shade I

it,

could

steering."

Michel had raced in one of the round-the-world

had rounded Cape Horn when

I

did that right

in the end, sleeping

day." This

was not an image

was prepared to absorb.

The

next night

we

men and one woman

all

went

to the bar

there, all very

and there were many

brown and

the

men

extensively

— THE WATER

220

tattooed; they

BETWEEN

IN

had the jauntiness and exuberance of

too-large

They were mostly young and appeared very pleased with themselves. Colleen spoke to the woman among them, whose name was Mahine, and learned that they had just that mountain-climbing

day made

parties.

on Raro,

landfall

nesian vakas from Tahiti.

The

after sailing a flotilla

Mahine joined

of traditional Poly-

us at our table.

vakas were built in 1992, as a part of the Pacific Festival of

Arts and Culture by the people of Samoa, Tahiti, Hawaii, the

Marquesas and

New

the drawings of

Zealand. These canoes were laid

them made by the

Cook, Bougainville and others of these

vessels

among

—and

down

after

European explorers

early

dimming memories islands. The last vakas had

after the

the elders of the

been built a half-century previously.

Mahine was

a doctor. She

Easter Island. She

had

was born and had grown up on

traveled to Santiago to study medicine but

then, disenchanted with the Chileans

and

their rule

of her home,

she had written the American qualifying exams and had gone to the States to

do her family-practice

Hawaii on the Big

practice in

residency; later she

Island. It

had

set

up

was there that she had

learned of the vaka expedition. Thrilled with what she saw as a resurgence of pan-Polynesian nationalism, she had volunteered to travel in

one of the canoes and to provide medical care to the other

mariners.

When

she learned that

Ron and

I

were physicians too,

she was pleased; the three of us spoke self-importantly about

salt-

water sores, immersion rashes and the nutritional challenges of

such

trips.

At length we paused, and Jude steered the conversation

back to the voyage Mahine had

The Mahine

made.

was the important

thought. This renaissance began

well-known singlehanded in 1972. Lewis last

just

revival of interest in the old skills

sailor,

when David

had published We,

thing,

Lewis, a

the Navigators

had spent many months interviewing some of the

men who remembered the traditional techniques of He traveled to Tonga, the Caroline Islands, Kiribati

of the old

navigation.

and Papua

Mau

New

Guinea, and wrote with deep respect for Tevake,

Pialug and Hipour,

all

ppalu, or initiated navigators, from

KEVIN PATTERSON

221

and Micronesia. His admiration was based on

islands in Polynesia his

own

appreciation of how subtle the sea can be and

how com-

and the winds. Anyone who has

plicated the patterns of the waves

been alone in a boat, weeks away from land, understands idea that one's servation

way can be found with only

and the knowledge

in one's

head

this.

The

one's eyes, patient ob-

both reassuring and

is

profoundly humbling.

The

had neither

Pacific Islanders

a written language nor the

magnetic compass, but did have a precise and thoroughgoing understanding of currents and wave

these

and

of seabirds and bioluminescence to guide them,

close observation

along with the more familiar stars,

They used

trains.

the sun and the

—

to

Europeans

—

celestial tools:

moon. The old men who spoke

on the pattern of the wave

particular emphasis

the

to Lewis put

trains. In the lati-

tudes of the Southern Ocean, between the southern tips of South

America, Africa and Australia and the coast of Antarctica, there are

no land masses

to slow the wind.

Storms sweep around the earth

in these latitudes accelerating steadily

that are never stopped.

and they kick up huge waves

These waves survive thousands of miles

the north as subtle but persistent swells that

may

alongside and within the waves created by the

winds of the that

maraud

tropics: the easterly trades

their

This, as far as

Southern Ocean

way through goes,

it is

is

more immediate

and the episodic cyclones

these waters.

not so surprising

—

the swell from the

present and, with patience, observable to the

More

interested eye, even mine.

startling

is

the idea that in addi-

tion to the single deep southern swell, there are

other smaller and

more

distant land masses,

simultaneously.

to

be discerned

all

subtle swells, deflected

Rarotonga, and had

I

and

to a

dozen

refracted

by

of which these navigators monitored

Mahine spoke of this and

We, the Navigators,

up

I

was spellbound. From

learned that David Lewis had grown up on

swum

in the harbor

For swells to remain perceptible

we looked out

after travelling

on.

hundreds of miles,

they must have their origin in regions of strong and persistent winds,

THE WATER

222

more important

the

tems such

swells originating in

as the Trades.

other main source

the Southern

is

"permanent" weather

on

latitude

Ocean

belt

seasonal swells originate in the

more temporary

still,

by

having breaking

tics.

This distinction

and

its

others.

Pacific

and

tropical revolving storms.

to be

and other recognisable

temporary

characteris-

well recognised by Pacific Island navigators

me by

importance was repeatedly stressed to

among

Teeta,

is

crests

westerlies,

equator. Largely

monsoons of the western

are caused

Waves thrown up by the immediate wind tend as well as

and season. The

of strong

whence long southerly swells sweep even beyond the

others,

sys-

Trade- wind-generated swells tend to be from

northeast or southeast, depending

east,

BETWEEN

IN

Tevake and

The Papuans Lohia Loa and Frank

fully explained that the swells they

Rei care-

used were "not wind waves," but

were more permanent. Swells

from

from

relatively distant origins are

crest to crest

and move past with

long in wavelength

a slow, swelling undulation,

while the wind waves and swells from nearby sources are shorter

and

steeper.

The former

are not readily abolished even

by prolonged

gales.

The

skill

required to read the ocean as

were a municipal

if it

and marked, was

far

beyond what

remembered the conversation

I'd

had with the old

road, signed

wondered

if his

I

could imagine. Inuit

I

man and

grandsons would find the idea of navigating un-

aided across the tundra similarly incomprehensible.

This sense of deep intuitive understanding of the place where

one

lives, I

thought,

Manitoba. There

fish in

the

the river

river.

over

fly

There

and who

the heart of what

is

missing in Selkirk,

no sense of complexity of the land

is

grows wheat. Geese

lies at

it

in the

are those

will

who

fall

and

will

there. It

in the spring there are

go out and put a hook in

shoot the geese from the reeds, and they,

together with the farmers, at least have a glimmer of a sense of

where they

live.

But

it is

a

weak glimmer, with

fish-finder sonar

machines pointing out the weed beds to the fishermen, and the

KEVIN PATTERSON

223

farmers driving quickly over their

were

like

The

I

and the hunters

dirt,

old Inuit could find their

blasted tundra just

way

across

by remembering the

and

gators could look at the sea

more

like

rocks.

establish

And

than sight

swells

—which

Tevake told

where they were by the

more

by analysing the

less

me

he would sometimes

readily direct the roll

patiently until the

one you want has a

lie

vessel as

spell

down and without

it

the proper course

corkscrewed over

you have

that Puluwatans too "steer visually."

were

it

by the

One might perhaps

keeping course by the swells

to wait

of being prominent and

of Tikopia also spoke about "feeling" the

Gladwin points out

one's pants,"

hut on his

retire to the

helmsman onto

and pitch of the

waves under the canoe, not to refer to

feel

emphasises the value of the art on overcast

the waves. In distinguishing swells, he stressed,

discernible. Rafe

cerebral than

seems always to be a matter more of

canoes outrigger platform, where he could distraction

the old navi-

musical genius than mathematics:

Holding course by

nights.

they

hundreds of miles of

shapes of the waves. This sense of the sea was somatic,

(if

was) mostly dreaming of something altogether different.

as "steering

swell,

feel

and

of the

be tempted

by the

seat

of

not for the more anatomically specific detail

supplied by the veteran island skipper Captain Ward,

who

writes, "I

have heard from several sources, that the most sensitive balance was a man's testicles,

and that when

at night or

obscured, or inside the cabin this was the

when

the horizon was

method used

to find the

focus of the swells off an island."

Mahine had read

Lewis, and quoted

him

at length

Jude sat there with us and would not lean back in her

seat.

grew self-conscious and stopped her lecture abruptly.

come with her

to a party, she said.

We

by memory.

We

Mahine should

could meet some of the

other crews of the vakas.

The party was at the estate of a family of Rarotongan aristocrats. The two sisters who owned the house welcomed us. They

THE WATER

224

IN

BETWEEN

were descended from the hereditary chiefs of Rarotonga, and we were very fortunate to be able to meet them. Several of the sailors

from the vaka

fleet

Canada might be

the admiration that in

were being feted with

upon an

visited

alcoholic

who had just won a foreign literary prize. I eavesdropped on men and found them like adventurers everywhere, absorbed by their own virility and strikingly dull. I wandered among the bookshelves in the main room. There were many old and interestpoet

these

ing-looking books about celestial navigation and the traditional

of Polynesian

social structure

sented, along with Evelyn

Maugham was

society.

Waugh.

Mahine found me and took me through ing

me

to the other sailors, the people

Then

hosts.

me down

she took

the room, introduc-

from the vakas and our

moon. The ocean shone

walked quickly back to the

One

He

War.

like

mercury.

told

me

on cold-weather had resembled

looked

did not speak.

at

We

party.

man who had

been a

New Zealand army during the Second World

he had traveled to Canada then, to do research survival.

his

own

evoked the inshore knew.

He was

South

Pacific

He had

been to the Queen Charlotte

people,

vessels

and the appearance of their canoes

used on

familiar with

and was able

many of the

most of the

the others for fifteen hundred years at these Northern Pacific peoples

He

tried for

Pacific Islands

dialects

to speak fluidly with

stance, although the Easter Island dialect

Mahine,

had been

least.

would have

"We sounded

like

he

of the Eastern

He had

for in-

isolated

from

expected that

a language similar to

weeks to speak to the Haida people he met

but without success.

he

We

and had seen the cedar canoes of the Haida. The Haida

Islands

his.

We

of the guests was an old Polynesian

medical officer in the

on

to see the lagoon that lapped

the beach that served as a front lawn of this house. the

well repre-

there,

machinery to each other,"

said.

Everyone called the old too.

He He remembered

vaka.

man

Papa.

He asked us

to call

him

that

had been instrumental in the building of the Rarotonga a

little

from

his

boyhood, of how the vakas

KEVIN PATTERSON

225

had been described, and he had read the journals of Cook and

his

crew and he had, of course, read David Lewis.

young people ocean and

resurrecting this ability

how

and find

to survive

and

one's

It

was

fine to see the

this lore, their lore,

way on

of the

it.

For supper, there was spiny lobster in coconut milk and curry,

and

taro

as if we

tended to us sat

and

breadfruit,

down

grilled

tuna and mahi mahi. The

were visiting

beside me. She asked

We

me

dignitaries. if I

me and old man every-

Jude found

had met the

we

sisters

one called Papa.

I

The

was walking to the harbor when a car stopped

next day

beside

I

me on

said yes.

the road.

a smell

ocean

—

a

Mahine

if I

air,

not

me

Manitoba

at all

wanted

to

—

all.

me

It

come.

I

said

I

—of

foliage

and clean

heavy with Dettol and isopropyl alcohol.

It

had worked

in

built in the early forties

Both

were going

said.

of the downscaled military hospital

any medical need. any way at

sisters

low white building with open windows and

astonishing in a hospital, to

reminded in

and asked

love to, but. "Please,"

The hospital was

oozed.

Mahine and one of the

to visit the island hospital

would

ate until

I

and always too

large for

did not resemble a modern urban hospital in

that building

and

this

one had painted wooden

timbers visible in the rooms and the operating suite, uneven floors

and the But

air

of remote and obsolete dignity.

in the

Rarotonga hospital the beds were mostly occupied

and the image of wholesale underemployment was absent. There was a

library in the hospital, full of surgery texts thirty years old.

The Maori surgeon who worked there pointed them out with chagrin: the shape of the human bowel does not change, at least, he said,

and laughed

Mahine and ful

I

loudly.

went on rounds with him.

A boy with

a dread-

shark bite on his leg had been evacuated from Penrhyn. His

family sat in chairs beside

room,

all rose.

him and when

the surgeon entered the

There was a whole ward of young

men who had

THE WATER

226

sustained fractures in

of dengue

cases

from coconut

falls

trees.

and the surgeon told

me

BETWEEN

Another ward had

There were few old people.

fever.

IN

asked about this

I

that the old people preferred to stay at

home. That night Mahine was

me

told

in the bar again

and she

about her family practice in Hawaii.

I

sat

with us and

told her about

my

time in Northern Canada: the Inuit resemble the Pacific Islanders

more thoroughly than After years of

their language difficulties

nomadism they both now

against a backdrop of

flat

would

suggest.

exist in isolated enclaves

and often inhospitable monotony

—

the

tundra and taiga in one instance, the cyclone-churned sea in the other.

Today their diets

their respective cultures are everywhere in retreat,

with

of protein and occasional starches so supplanted by

Cheez Doodles and frozen

pizzas that diabetes in each culture

becoming a pathologic constant.

is

Among the Cree in the sub-Arctic

twelve-year-olds are developing adult-onset diabetes

and even

in

small communities there are dialysis machines to stretch out for a

few years the sweet blood.

lives

of those whose kidneys have

Mahine nodded and

among the Maori and

told

me

that

failed it

from too-

was the same

the Hawaiians. After millennia of eating fish

and meat and complicated polysaccharides, the simple sugars of

making the Cree and the Polynesians

beer and pudding cups were sick.

The

of televisions and bought aluminum boats and

effect

outboard engines were

less

demonstrable, but just as strong and

malevolent. In Nauru, she told me, the principal import from Australia was canned beer. Everyone was obese, even the dren.

Her

people,

all

little chil-

across the Pacific, were in terrible trouble.

At some point Jude had not returned. Mahine asked

risen to use the

me

if

washroom and had

we had excluded

her.

"Conversations between doctors can be pretty boring sometimes,"

asked

I

replied.

me how

three months,"

I

looked around. Jude wasn't in the

long Jude and I

I

bar.

Mahine

had known one another. "About

said.

"Are you going to get married?" she asked.

I

looked away.

KEVIN PATTERSON

"I don't

think so,"

"She's lovely,"

"Yes,"

I

There seemed

"How

said.

Mahine to be

said.

nothing to say that could salvage the

we walked out

at the ocean.

ing. "I don't

I

said.

of the evening so looked

227

know,"

Mahine asked me when I

said.

"Soon,

mood

to the edge of the harbor

I

and

my sailboat was com-

think."

long will you stay here after the boat arrives?"

"Probably just long enough to put some food on board and

check the

rig."

"So a couple of days." "Yes."

(Jhapter Tifteen

was sitting at t h e kitchen table in the little motel, writing in my journal, when Don knocked on the door. I recognized only the glasses. He was thirty pounds lighter than he had been when we had left Victoria. His hair was short and neat and he was as brown as a coffee bean. He grinned at me through

I

the screen door like his face was about to

He had spent six months with nut

tree in the

the Sea

split.

Mouse tied

to that coco-

Penrhyn lagoon. The house immediately

in front

of it was owned by his friend Joe Tangi. They had met in Omoka,

when Joe had come over to speak at an island council meeting. They became friends in about ten minutes. Better friends than he had been with anyone

They had spent and

fishing

on the

before.

months diving for pearls together, They arose every morning at dawn and ate

the next six

reef.

KEVIN PATTERSON

229

breakfast quickly before launching Joe's

skiff.

In the course of the

and diving they were often comfortably

day's fishing

hours

at a time. In the

Later,

out of sight of

Don

evenings

ate supper

they

Riri, Joe's wife,

with

silent for

Joe's family.

made bush

beer and

Don would row the Sea Flea back to the the morning, if Don was hungover and

drank that together. Then Sea

Mouse and

sleep. In

overslept, Joe sent his daughter out to the sailboat to roust

They dove were

deep

as

one hundred and ten

mercial diver in British

were going to

And

The

in the lagoon to search for pearls.

as

Columbia

feet.

but,

still,

Don had

him.

oyster beds

been a com-

when Joe told him

they

he thought Joe was joking.

free dive to that depth,

then Joe jumped in the water.

The technique

they used was to

the diver was in the water, he

he would grip

tightly,

would grope around

tie

would be handed the

and down he would

for

some

oysters

Once

a line to a lead block.

On

go.

and then

let

block,

the

which

bottom he

go of the block

and come up. The block would then be pulled up. The descents

many minutes

were

slowly coaxed

him

of the lagoon.

It

long.

Don started at

until they

all

took a few months. Most of the

looked more

like

No

one

and often ten feet

—

giggled. it

and Joe

were both going to the deepest parts

did this regularly and had been doing

They

forty to fifty feet,

would have been easy

But

the atoll

since they were children.

it

Homer Simpson strutted.

men on

than Fabio, however,

free diving a

hundred and

to understand if they did.

Don's metamorphosis was to no one more apparent than to himself.

"My life has changed,"

shoulders and quietly

and

abdomen

he told me,

rippled.

at less length.

On

He

spoke

sitting at the table.

much more

the boat with

me

His

slowly and

he had seemed

vaguely anxious most of the time. There was none of that now.

I

found him intimidating.

We

walked down to the

little

bar by the harbor.

I

hoped

to

him to Mahine but she was not there that afternoon. I asked him if he thought about his ex-wife anymore. "Not very introduce

much," he

said.

"I'm pretty happy now.

about the events that brought

me

here."

I

don't have

many

regrets

THE WATER

230

Which, I

him

told

IN

BETWEEN

thought, was a very gracious view of fate and destiny.

I

He

that.

asked

me

about Jude.

He had met

her at the

motel. "She's lovely,"

"She sure

I

said.

You should

is.

treat her right."

know."

"I

In his

few

first

me up

letters to

after

hadn't spoken of this again.

He had

had bought a

ticket

I

on Penrhyn. He

wife

missed

left

I

home and was

tonga in a few days.

asked

him

Don had spoken

in the Arctic,

of staying there on Penrhyn,

with the Sea Mouse, but he

decided to return to Canada,

scheduled to leave from Raro-

if

he had given up on finding a

said no, but that

he had a

home

"They don't need another guy just hanging around

with

Don."

offer,

"No, something tangible, to have a skill

I

mean. Like

college.

Then he would come There were

live there.

refrigeration."

he could bring back to the

he might attend community something.

there,

offer."

"You have plenty to

and

and

it.

nothing to

wanted

too,

He thought

Or do an

apprenticeship in

maybe

in a year or two,

back,

women

island.

Don

he could

fall

in love with,

he

He just needed the right conditions. Don had sailed the Sea Mouse to Rarotonga with Joe Tangi and Joe's nephew. It had taken eleven days. Don shrugged. "I thought said.

we could do

you waiting."

buoy

in six, with the time of year

it

I

looked out

in the harbor.

I

at the Sea

and

Mouse

hadn't seen her in six

all.

Sorry to keep

riding at a

mooring

months and

there she

was, bobbing up and down, shining green in the tropical sun.

had spent most of the ing, trying to

last

make her look as

nice as she could for

rowed out to her and climbed aboard.

and studied the shape. at the

rig

Don

month sanding and varnishing and paint-

and the deck

my return. We

We walked around the deck

fittings.

She seemed in great

The only things she needed were what I had in a pack back motel: a new genoa sail to replace the one I had destroyed

KEVIN PATTERSON

that

week on the North

first

few new

231

Pacific,

and a new

alternator

iting relatives

ashore and

walked with

I

met Joe Tangi. He had been

but he had hurried back to the boat to see

anchor was holding okay.

He and Don hugged

back in Canada smiling smoothly Later,

Don

after returning

me

told

that the

men most

nights

wearing out his welcome

He

had been

of time with

bit

had seen him

since he

He was

Don had

among the

felt

in bars.

sensed that

islanders,

last,

drinking with the sick

Bobby was

abandoning

his plans

he drank more and more.

moment of clear-sightedness, Bobby had seen

shrinking back from

I

I

and many of the boys had gotten

for a solo circumnavigation as

the

few days he was in Penrhyn

dissolute.

from the bush beer they made.

if

first

months

Bobby had gotten even more

them.

women

at

from Tahiti he had spent quite a

Peru. In the three

unmarried

if

arms around one another's shoulders.

their

vis-

each other and

deeply envious of Don, and what he had learned while

In a

a

electrical parts.

Then we rowed

Bobby

and

him and had

resolved to

told everyone he was going to

make

make

the islanders things

a trip to

up

to

Hawaii and

anyone wanted pots or outboard engines or anything he would

get

them

for them.

When

he returned a month

later his

boat was

packed with shrink-wrapped treasure from Costco. There was a grand night of delivery and effusive thanks. Then, the next day, he

began asking people to pay him for what they'd really

He

didn't

Don

who had

dinghy

full

to say.

islanders asked

Bobby became

an awful display of pique, he had

"gifts"

Even months

to

and

visited the peo-

of his, and demanded them back.

Don

told this story with his eyes

later his

embarrassment was evident.

He rowed his

The

alternator didn't quite

fit

and so

on the ground.

new gear I had we exchanged it at

spent the next few days installing the

brought.

Don

angrier

of used pots and gear to his boat, piled them in and

weighed anchor.

We

was mortified. The

know what

angrier. Finally, in

ple

Nobody had

understood that they were supposed to pay. Bobby grew

angry and sullen. help.

got.

THE WATER

232

the auto parts shop.

We

kind and helpful. filled

The New

the water tanks.

other than to set

Then

drank until very early

bar by the water's edge.

we had

BETWEEN

who worked

there were

at the

dry-goods

more

there was nothing

store,

to be

and

done

sail.

That night before we all

Zealanders

bought food

IN

Don,

left,

Joe, Jude,

morning

in the

Ron, Colleen and

in the

thatched-roof

little

Don and Ron and I had

I

enjoyed the time

spent together hanging in awkward positions around the

Sea Mouses engine.

like a satisfyingly

It felt

for the five-thousand-mile trip

Don seemed wistful. By this

home.

point he was as attached to the Sea Mouse as

was worried about leaving Joe. But sick at the

her.

He was

same time, he

said.

I

was and

I

think he

also very sad at the prospect

possible to love

it is

arduous preparation

where one

He was

is

of

and be home-

looking forward to getting

home.

Ron seemed

Colleen and

very excited.

They had

with the Sea Mouse and they were anxious to get to rogated

Don

was Penrhyn I

watched

sea.

They

he was a foreign traveler returned from

like

really like?

What

She looked

her.

fallen in love

afar.

inter-

What

did folks eat? Only Jude was quiet.

like she

was wondering what she had

gotten herself into, and was trying to be a good sport.

Mahine walked She

Joe.

sat

into the bar

down with

and

I

introduced her to

Don and

She and Joe spoke in Polynesian and

us.

I

was surprised that they so readily understood one another, each having learned dialects of a language that had been separated for

two thousand

years.

They

and sonorous language.

talked

studied

I

Don watched Mahine. had imagined a woman much

with

us.

but part of

and

ease,

and Joe

I

this place too,

Don;

I

all

like to

I

drank

in that rich

wished he was coming

In his search for a wife like

her

—

I

think he

confident and worldly

community watched Mahine

conscious of the value of

and of the limited value of possessions.

talking.

sounded

on and we

I

wondered what her Easter Island/Rapa Nui accent

him.

looked over

at Jude.

She was staring out

at

the sea.

KEVIN PATTERSON

He who may

233

starts

on a ride of two or three thousand miles

experience, at the

emotions.

moment of departure, a

He may feel excited,

of

sentimental, anxious, care-

free, heroic, roistering, picaresque, introspective,

cally

variety

or practi-

anything else; but above all he must and willfeel like

a fool.

peter Fleming, News from

We

Don and Joe the

bound

set to sea,

Tartary

for Penrhyn, the following afternoon,

watching quietly from the seawall.

We

mooring buoy and motored out of the harbor.

the day already and the sun was beginning to until

we were

five miles offshore

engine. Rarotonga sat behind us,

untied from

It

set.

was

We

late in

motored

and then we turned off the

lit

up

in the reddening light

the setting sun, green as a jewel and brighter and even intense in that oblique light than even Tahiti

around

at

my

had forgotten about the

sea.

least in the first

few days.

We hoisted

the genoa

wind

looked

I

I

hoped we

wondered how much any storms,

didn't hit

and then the mizzen

sail.

I

at

A steady gen-

them. The Sea Mouse heeled over and began shudRon and Colleen and Jude looked back at Rarotonga

and the dropping sun.

I

went forward

the halyard for the

first

was so much harder than desk work should have than they had been

pulled

months. The main rose

pulled again, irritated that

it

remembered, that only a few months of

left

my arms and shoulders so much weaker

when

down with

was to jam the stuck

I

six

I

I

I

pulled again and the

ing the halyard

to hoist the main.

time in

halfway and then stopped suddenly.

I

I

more

filled

dering north.

down on

had been.

of

companions. Here we were, making an eight-hun-

dred-mile passage in the South Pacific.

tle

with

had sail all

last

been on the boat.

did not move.

I

pulled hard, jerk-

my strength. All that

sail slide

I

accomplished

in the track so firmly that

it

would

THE WATER

234

not

or lower. This was serious. If a squall hit us now, with us

rise

unable to douse the main, cockpit.

Ron

said,

"We

could be very bad.

it

the horizon and the light

ocean in a brief orange glow and then

What

return to harbor.

That night

The

a swell

I

it

was dark.

was

watched anxiously for

beginning to eclipse the

and the

gentle

it

like to

four of us sat in the cockpit in that

blazed above us.

stars

lit

left."

up the

Now we couldn't

be

at sea in a small

warm air and the stars

signs of fast-moving clouds

but the wind remained steady and

shone from horizon to horizon

stars

we

start.

remembered what

I

returned to the

I

could have checked that before

The sun dipped below

boat.

BETWEEN

IN

the night

all

through.

The

next morning

considered climbing the mast to free the

I

should have done that the instant

sail. I

climbed a mast

lessen

my

the arc

it

the swell.

had jammed, but

and over the night

at sea before

contemplate just

it

I

sat there all

day looking

at the

described as the boat pitched, rolled and the stars were

to climb the mast.

Sea Mouse, certainly, but mainsail. "This

is

I

lazily in

late

not unusual for the

we would have done

ludicrous,"

didn't

was too

it

to

mast and

yawed

coming up again and

We traveled slowly that day,

hadn't

had a chance

I'd

how intimidated I was by the prospect. This

intimidation.

Then

I

better if we'd

told myself that night

had a

on watch. The

half-hoisted mainsail flapped ineffectually against the mast.

The

I

finally tied the jib halyard

and climbed the mast,

ness

the

next morning

winch

gave

it

as

I

climbed.

difficult.

I

When

and the

a quick yank

clinging to the mast

tentatively; I

Ron

down

my har-

tailed the halyard

jammed

reached the

sail fell

around

the mast.

now and shutting my eyes.

was embarrassed by the production

I

It

I

on

sail slide I

descended,

hadn't been that

had made over the

matter.

It

was odd

with the

to

sea.

I

watch

my

wasn't

much

companions making of a teacher.

When

their acquaintance

any of them asked

KEVIN PATTERSON

me

about some

read,

235

detail

of the boat or some nautical term they had

At

usually shrugged.

I

ing this ignorance, and accused

time

I

came

me

them one by one

to

affect-

after the

that

I

was not.

main cabin of the Sea Mouse, was not something

that adhered to

me. As we

sat

veled together at

all

out there on the ocean, crawling on

we

bellies across the chart,

read aloud to each other and mar-

that knowledge.

and and

all

The

stars that

may

be used

between barques and barquen-

for celestial sights, the differences

ings

was

of false modesty, but

arcana of the patrician men, collected in the bookshelves

that lined the

tines

I

took to get the mainsail down, the horrifying realization

The

our

they suspected that

first

the beautiful and obscure words: cringles and woold-

coir

and

carrick bends; chubascos

winds; drabblers and whoodings.

We

and boras and catabatic

read these aloud to one an-

other and took turns guessing at their meanings before consulting

The Oxford Companion

Ships

to

and

the Sea for the answers.

we drew

boat ambled northward, to Penrhyn and home. As to the equator, the intertropical conversion

weather that characterizes

it

The

closer

zone and the squally

began to take hold.

Our first squalls acted as if they had been intended for our use as training runs. The black clouds appeared in the middle of the afternoon and we all set about lowering the sails and closing the hatches and when the wind hit us we were safely below and drinking tea. As it turned out, I had one firm certainty about sailing: when the wind blows very Colleen sails"

to

lifted

hard,

you should lower the

up one of the books and asked about

business, should

we

try that?

I

shrugged.

It

douse them completely and wait until the wind I

was pleased that other

boats with

did that.

this "reefing the

seemed settled

just as easy

down again.

sailors sail

Other

would no doubt have been

during these periodic blows.

Sea Mouse, meanwhile, sat on her haunches like an unskilled

and exhausted

ice-skater,

waiting to regain her breath. But then

wind would abate and we would way again. the

We

sailboats are so rarely seen at sea.

more knowledgeable

dancing forward under shortened

The

sails.

raise the sails

and

get

under

THE WATER

236

IN

BETWEEN

The nervous bewilderment that I had felt leaving land for the first time back in Canada showed now on the faces of Ron, Jude and Colleen. advice until

lem.

My

I I

had been with Don, who, although he never gave asked for

it,

usually

had

a solution for

friends looked at the charts with

home, the

plotted our trip

eight

me and

hundred miles

any prob-

we

together

to Penrhyn,

another eighteen hundred to Hawaii and twenty-four hundred

more

after that.

We

moved. The water swirled behind

The

clicked away.

were

us,

and the knotmeter

days were long and bright and languorous.

at sea.

Jude suffered from seasickness

but she smiled gamely

terribly,

even during the worst of it, and stuck her head over the cap

blow her

last

meal

cockpit, and, with lest it

ysm.

We

at the fish.

tremendous

to

She used to read in one corner of the dignity, she always covered her

be spattered by an errant breeze,

We

rails

didn't kiss very often,

where a good deal of that needs

and

as

she

there

is

let

loose a

little

book, parox-

a stage between lovers

to be going on.

It

probably wasn't

only the seasickness.

She was smart and had a sense of humor, however. In the week

we

spent crawling toward Penrhyn she might have gone below

three or four times. She

had

this

sou'wester that she wore and even

of the sun little

when

I

preposterous-looking yellow

when

I

went below

looked out the companionway

I

to

nap out

could see that

yellow hat bobbing bravely along up in the cockpit.

We

took our night watches together and talked about where

our paths would lead

about living

once the Sea Mouse was home.

us,

on the Sea Mouse on the

She talked about returning to Manitoba.

happened with Mahine, that, she said.

I

I

talked

coast of British Columbia. It

was

sad.

Nothing had

told her. She'd prefer not to talk about

KEVIN PATTERSON

Jude was the

first

237

to see the familiar green mold-like streak

horizon and she was dead right: there

were

all

it

on the

was. Penrhyn Atoll.

We

very excited, and our excitement rose nearly to the point

of collective tongue-swallowing

and began leaping western pass that

when

in great arcs in our

a

pod of dolphins appeared

bow wave. We

Don and I had spent

identified the

away from,

a night drifting

we motored through, fueled by lamp oil and prayer. Once in the lagoon we slowed to orient ourselves. I tried to remember the pattern of the coral heads in the lagoon. As we sat before

there, a small

motorboat came charging toward

us. It

was

Joe.

He

had brought with him nearly frozen coconuts with deliciously cold coconut milk

week and

it

We

inside.

was

like

had been

having your

sun for over a

in the tropical

rubbed with

feet

oil.

We all embraced. He had flown home the day after we had set sail

and

for the previous four days

he had been watching the pass

for us.

He had begun to grow a little worried. I reminded him how

long

had taken him and Don.

He

it

patted the side of the Sea Mouse.

did too.

He to

I

me.

guided us to his side of the lagoon, which was unfamiliar

We tied off to his

coconut

tree.

We rowed ashore. We were

very happy.

With her nose only us

slightly wrinkled, Joe's wife, Riri,

where her outdoor shower was and

heated some water for

us.

She and Joe

der-block house that changed forever "cinder-block house." There were

how

I'd interpret

glass

wooden

shutters.

breeze swept through the house in a steady

and cool

draft.

There was no

mats.

The

lights

electricity.

were

stay here, she told us. fortable

on the

answer. She

had come

the phrase

windows, but rather

portals in the walls that could be closed with

The ocean

worked. She had

lived in a clean, cool cin-

how

no

it

showed

The

kerosene, like

floors

were covered in grass

on the Sea Mouse.

Jude protested that

we were

all

boat. Riri looked at her sympathetically

and Joe were staying

to that point

in

town

We were to very com-

and did not

that week, she said.

We

where hospitality corners you, and there

was no choice but to gratefully accept.

Chapter Sixteen

Penrhyn

kept

is

woman who freighters

in supplies

through the

efforts

of a

has run a succession of collapsing tramp

between Rarotonga and the Northern Cook

Islands for thirty years.

Her current

vessel, a

decommissioned

Japanese tuna boat, had been laid up in the Avatiu harbor for

months. Food and

had asked up,

me

fuel

to ship

we rowed back

was running very low on Penrhyn so Joe

some food on the Sea Mouse. After cleaning

to the boat

and spent an excited hour stacking

provender on the beach. There were bags and bags of onions and rice

and

canisters

Families to

whom

were apportioned

on the beach

of pilot

off.

for a

biscuits.

Joe

owed

favors

came by and

their shares

After the food had been taken away

I

stood

few minutes and fantasized about running a

trading operation between these islands myself, in a larger sailboat.

KEVIN PATTERSON

I

239

imagined children swinging through the rigging and faded cot-

ton dungarees.

I

could smoke cheroots.

Everywhere we went on Penrhyn, we were identified and greeted as Friends

only

left

every

we were

of Don, and

two and a half weeks

fifty feet

asked

earlier.

how he was

We

He had

doing.

were invited in for tea

along the main path in Teitautua, the village where

he lived across the lagoon from Omoka. Three hundred people, a post office that was open one day a week, and a nurse/midwife.

There was

and a beautiful church.

also a store,

Ron and I were asked to see some of the old men with gout and we advised them to drink lots of water and take their aspirin. They In the mornings

we walked

into

town and

visited people.

agreed with us.

we fished on the reef with Joe and it was why Don had been so pained to leave this place.

In the afternoons

immediately clear

The sun was

boat fishing and talking slowly a long sea passage, but

—

eat supper with. It

We

fell

it

was everything beautiful about

you never got

And when we came home from Zealand.

Spending afternoons out on Joes

relentlessly bright.

there. It just

fishing, there

was quickly night.

We

went on and on.

were

many friends

listened to

Radio

to

New

asleep in the fragrant tropical night wind.

We went to church and each of us was transfixed by the multi-part harmonies of the congregation, sung in Maori and ful.

After the service

we

lined

up with the

of the Teitautua church said hello to us

how man ing.

long

we were

staying.

Ron

looked somber and nodded.

The deacon

struck

me

villagers

and the deacon

at the door.

said another

eerily beauti-

week

He

Ron The old

asked

or so.

We said we had enjoyed the sing-

as worried.

Joe avoided his eyes.

THE WATER

240

Don had found He

the role of the church

IN

on Penrhyn

BETWEEN

distasteful.

described the deacon and the elders in the church as petty

tyrants

The

who

kept a close and

critical

eye

on everyone on the

surest path to success in business

island.

was through influence

in

the church. All the government jobs were held by church elders or

members. There was no contraception

their family

evolution was dismissed outright.

The church had

London-based missionary society

full

nal condescension.

With

available,

and

evolved from a

of Protestant zeal and pater-

decolonialization, the

Cook Islanders had

taken over responsibility for the supply of paternal condescension

and had done an admirable on.

The church

controlled

The

aristocratic ladies' ideals lived

who was

allowed to buy alcohol, and

job.

effected a rigid conformity

Sundays were

like

and adherence

to church teachings.

mourning. Eccentrics and freethinkers were

reviled.

But there were

still

signs of a lingering spiritual tradition that

we went

predated the missionaries. Before prayed, for success and safety.

prayed twice. the water

I

asked Joe about

"So are there different

"So

is

is

spirits in

only one God," he

why do we

"There

He

man would

explained,

sailed to

man named drifting.

found.

It

Steve,

was an

asked Joe

he

spirit

of

pray more

if

we're going into the water?" said again.

tied to the stone

Penrhyn years

earlier

who had stumbled

quay

in

Omoka.

It

from San Francisco, by a

ashore after a hundred and

moment bobbing

He was like Don a little, and he found what Don had earlier time,

tions to overcome. I

dive,

the water and above the water?"

ten days and resolved never to spend another

and

"The

we

said.

only one God," he

There was a wooden sloop

had been

this.

before a

reef

very powerful."

is

"There

And

on the

fishing

if

He

and maybe there were fewer

married a

woman and

reserva-

has lived here since.

Steve was well liked, hoping that he had found a

kind of peace. But that wasn't Joe's answer: the badly and was not liked at

he would untie

all.

his boat again

He

man

treated his wife

drank too much. People wished

and go back

to

San Francisco.

KEVIN PATTERSON

It

241

now forbidden for Europeans to own land or be citizens Cook Islands. No one was willing to confront Steve and so

was

of the

he remained, unliked and unwelcome. This was one of the obsta-

Don had

cles that

Europeans.

The

port, not to

the island

—

faced

a slowly accumulating suspicion of

had decided not

island council

become

a tourist destination.

and now camping

to

There

expand the

are

no

Don and

Like Steve and

on

buy a plane

forbidden. In order to

is

hotels

Penrhyn, you're supposed to explain where you will

ticket to

air-

stay.

me, Penrhyn was hiding from strip-mall

culture.

This

is

Heyerdahl, echoing Peter Ericson's longing for associa-

and ownership of the

tion with

gentler world,

away from our dread-

ful cities:

Now

it

happened that when the Europeans came were quite astonished to find that

islands they

had almost white there were

whole

skins, hair varying

and were bearded.

skins

to the Pacific

many of the

On many

natives

of the islands

families conspicuous for their remarkably pale

from reddish

to blond, blue-grey eyes,

and almost

Semitic, hook-nosed faces.

It is

a refrain repeated over and over again in the European

literature

of the South

Pacific. Hey, these people are

not so different

from us; we can be like this too. Theories that European contact with and contribution to Polynesian civilization occurred unrecorded by historians are trotted forth with the

ment

fantasies as evidence.

No

one

most transparent is

very

me

much more

than Peter Ericson, the

man who

who imagined

emergence of mitochondrial

would put

that the

this

debate to

rest

sold

wish-fulfill-

persuasive

the Sea Mouse.

Anyone

DNA typing

has never looked at the religious

yearning the proponents of these theories display on their faces and in their prose.

Bobby

Peru, Heyerdahl

and Ericson,

nobility of kind people. Steve

claims

it

all

longing to

own

from San Francisco squats on

for himself too. Ericson

it

the

and

and Heyerdahl manufacture

THE WATER

242

Bobby tried

inherited claims;

cooking

The

IN

the old-fashioned way, to

BETWEEN

buy

it

with

utensils.

anti-colonialism

movement

South

in the

Pacific

is

forever

claiming that the French hold on to Polynesie Frangaise for prag-

matic purposes, to

and

strategies

test their

interests.

bombs, and

They miss

into wintry misanthropic

the point.

and suffocating

Moitessier, to save their souls. They'll to

own

just a piece

The hopes of the

to protect their global

The

French, crowded

cities are all seeking, like

pay

for

any number of pots

of what they see here.

pinned on the

islanders for future prosperity are

cultured-pearl industry that has sprung

up

in

French Polynesia

and the Southern Cook Island of Manihiki. The South

Pacific are a glistening black that

and there

now

are

Sea-Doos and

pearls of the

in fashion these days

is

pearl millionaires in these islands that have

The Penrhyn

satellite televisions.

islanders grudg-

ingly decided to see if such a venture could succeed here.

They

hired a pearl-seeder, a Japanese

man

with jealously

guarded expertise in the business of implanting the grit

—

—

in the oyster. If this

anyone who

hasn't

either the grit

Don in a small beer.

The

told

is

done

is

devoted his

life

me

man

the Japanese

it

always

to learning this strange

is

by

skill,

speaks

little

English and

lives

house where he reads pornographic magazines and drinks villagers

do not

like

him, but no one contests that he

seen him only a few times, and

although his sad

five years

inexpertly, as

spat out, or the oyster dies.

contributing to their community.

there,

some

chips of mussel shells, from the Mississippi River, for

reason

of

little bit

little

He

is

He

is

a strange

did not see

him

man.

at all

Don had

while

I

was

house was pointed out to me. In the

he has lived on the

four times.

I

is

atoll,

he has abruptly

profoundly homesick.

left for

home

KEVIN PATTERSON

It

243

got later and later in the season.

Pacific begin in

The winter storms

October and already

it

North

in the

was August and we were

we we needed to get going. Finally, we couldn't put off leaving anymore. The thought of those autumn storms made me shiver. One day we rose and, each of

still

eighteen hundred miles south of Hawaii. Every morning

agreed that

us looking around to see if anyone else

had an excuse not

began

to,

putting our clothes in the sailbags that had become our luggage.

We

rowed out

coconut

tree

to the Sea Mouse. Joe untied the line

and we motored slowly

to the pass in the reef. Joe

his skiff towed astern.

accompanied us with

from the

He guided me through

the pass and then he embraced each of us in turn.

Then he

leapt

Ron untied the line and Joe roared away back through the surf. As we watched him grow smaller and smaller, and then disappear, we felt similarly shrunken. I wished he could have come with us. I wished we could have stayed there. Neither was possible, in the world of practicalities. Which is a worse world to live in than into his boat.

Penrhyn

Atoll, tied to a

Before

bought the Sea Mouse, and before

tor, I

I

coconut

tree.

had known another old man

"Yankee

Bill."

that brought

I

met the old doc-

ever

in the Arctic, an American,

There was no consensus on what the events were

him up

there,

had been a divorce, and

but

it

seemed most

likely that there

a subsequent withdrawal.

He was from

Boston and had been some sort of electronics engineer. The agreed that tioned

him

it

would have been the poorest form

directly

lived in a cabin

Churchill,

on events

he had built ten miles out of town. This was in

and there

is

a

rail line

to that

Bill

town but no

He

road,

treeline.

was very proud of living off the

grid, as

that

and so

heated the place with

grew on the

and shrunken spruce

Yankee

to have ques-

prior to his arrival there. Yankee Bill

he shipped up his possessions in boxcars. the bent

locals

independent of the infrastructure that demeans us

all.

he put

it,

When

I

— THE WATER

244

him, there were

visited

rifles

and shotguns on the

moosehide nailed outside, drying. ist

A couple

magazines lay on one of his tables and

he made tea for

us.

IN

I

BETWEEN

and a

walls,

of American survival-

flipped through one as

The magazine seemed paranoid

to

me, obsessed

with the idea of the need to defend oneself once order broke down, either in the post-nuclear holocaust or as a

consequence of

agency in major league baseball. Yankee

put on music, and

remember

it

ing Verdi.

He seemed

clear to

was opera

—

Te Kanawa, the Maori soprano,

a gentle

me what made him

ing and salmon fishing I

Kiri

and the

and

civilized

on the

man and

it

free I

sing-

was not

We spoke about goose hunt-

so afraid.

had heard, who spent time

wild,

Bill

There was a woman in town,

Pacific.

in his cabin.

She was thought to be

gossips whispered of violent shrieking fights in that

cabin in the night. Self-sufficient isolation as a response to trouble

of

travel literature

is

acted out along

—

the fantasy

the fringes of the world.

all

Withdrawal from community and preservation of wealth

own

isolation. In

in one's

America, gated communities are so popular that

they employ more security guards than there are public police cers.

Everyone craves their

own

enclave.

celebrates this ideal in explicit form.

and

is

filled

and

New York

strange to be heading

suspected that

if I

had a more

months

ther

and

wanting to get stand

why

I

Zealand two weeks past

home

wanted

so badly. to be

And I was

home.

flip

where

When

I

had

in the artillery regi-

among

just a three-day sail to the west,

New

just

substantial character,

have wanted nothing more than to wander

Manihiki was

air-

at the idea.

home, when we were

fantasized about being those winter I

calls itself Escape,

and Saskatoon, commuters

through them and smile desperately

ment.

A magazine called Islands

Another

with glossy and beautiful photographs of refuge. In

ports in Montreal

It felt

offi-

that.

I

would

those islands

Samoa, a week I

fur-

was ashamed of

entirely unable to underI

had mused about the

KEVIN PATTERSON

245

my friends

other islands nearby,

anywhere and

home. But

fly

I

had

were willing to

sail

did not think seriously or long at

Home

about sailing further west.

said they

I

was headed.

I felt

all

migra-

like a

tory ungulate, headed back to the calving grounds simply because

of the time of year. For Jude, well. It

Ron and

Colleen, leaving Penrhyn was deflating as

was the most beautiful place

would only

and

get colder,

ocean more violent until place

I

was homesick

—from

the architecture

finally

we were

here

on the water

more hideous, and

in

the

North America. The

for.

who were the most raucously delighted to be going on deployment who drooped the most in the subsequent months. The young men, the ones who In the army,

it

had been married

was, inevitably, the soldiers

recently, affected delight at getting into the field

with an enthusiasm the older

would be

lined

up outside the

far

field

did not share.

And

then they

telephones at one in the morn-

phone home. The older men mocked them. In

ing, waiting to this,

men

they revealed a feature of aging maleness that dismayed

more than any number of degenerative and senescent

disorders

might read about in

I

It feels

appalling

when

betrays an affection for,

it is

feels like

you

But

upon you, but homesickness

and an involvement

it

prostate

my heavy books.

could never be guessed at from the decisions tecture, for instance.

me

in,

finally

our homes that

we make about

archi-

doesn't feel redemptive at the time;

are weak, weak, weak,

and

all

it

that talk about want-

ing to smell foreign air and learn another language of thought and

speech was

all

so

much

posturing for your friends. Spouting off in

fern bars about your craving for the exotic.

And claw,

once there

bad some

—

the ache in your belly begins to

grow and

days, better others, but trending worse with increas-

ing time and distance.

Worse.

And

better

—people do move

to other places

and make

new homes, and stop missing the original one. But that is ing one home with another and is not what Chatwin was about, nor

is it

how

homesickness

is

best approached.

replac-

talking

When

a

THE WATER

246

traveler

is

from home

far

homesickness becomes

mountains and

as

BETWEEN

months or

for a long time, after

much

IN

years,

a part of the topography as the

the lovely light. Prominent, whether or not

all

it is

acknowledged.

Chatwin argued

home, or possessiveness

allegiances to

fight, less willing to

selves

others.

I

as:

destroy other places,

it,

less

without a home, there

is

had been on the road more or

army two

the

The

for

nomads. Without

we

are less willing to

willing to distract our-

with possessions and neglect our gods. But

summarized

left

that people are happier as

years earlier.

I

all

of this can be

no place

to love above

continuously since

less

wanted

to be

home.

Sea Mouse re-entered the doldrums north of Penrhyn and in

The

rain

here, but less intensely this time.

The

the light variable winds she ghosted along further north.

showers and squalls were

still

boat had twice the crew and

and

I

Ron and

and

it

bedding

making

another's thoughts. bridge.

I

was

It

like

less histrionics.

the

had met

word

possible to be lonely. Jude

and

easier I

came

less

easier for us to talk.

to feel a free acquain-

warm from

still

She was

another's

body

breakfast for each other, guessing

after

one

There were games of chess and cribbage and

had been with Don, but with more history With none of us rubbed raw the way Don and

it

had been coming south, is

less

slept in the cockpit.

Colleen and Jude and

trading watches,

macy

was

was becoming

tance, crawling into

I

it

took watches together and

seasick now,

and

I

it

was

to describe sitting

for the first time only

but

easier

less

intimate. If inti-

on the boat with another man

weeks

earlier,

both of us brood-

ing like skunk-sprayed farm dogs. After drifting through the doldrums

we

finally

northeast trades and began beating toward Hawaii seas

and a freshening wind. But our

much,

as

we

lost all

forward

picked up the in

mounting

daily averages did not

improve

momentum each time the bow buried

KEVIN PATTERSON

itself in

247

an oncoming wave.

and

One day we

under shortened

sail

horizon and

"Look, a boat!"

said,

were shuddering along

when Colleen pointed at the Ron and I were preoccupied with

rain gear

we did not look up, certain after thousands of surveys of the empty sea that we were the only creatures out there. "Look! It's right there!" Ron and I looked up and there adjusting the jib trim and

was, another sailboat, a trimaran, dancing before a following

it

wind a

times our two knots.

at four or five

woman

I

turned on the radio and

hailed us.

"Where

are

"Kauai,"

I

"We just

left

"Where

you going?" she asked.

said.

are

there three days ago, the weather has been great."

you going?" hoping

"Tahiti. We're

"At the rate you're going "Well,

we

don't always

"Twelve knots,"

said.

I

I

asked.

to be there in ten days or so."

you

will be,"

I

said.

do twelve knots," she

"When

said.

did you leave again?"

"Three days ago."

"Bon voyage,"

I

said.

A week later, we bobbed our way past Christmas Island. way

Half-

there.

At some point

in

my acquaintance with the Sea Mouse I

have figured out that she was a slow boat. Slower even than

I

might

would

acknowledge. She was heavy and had been a year in tropical waters,

and her bottom was thickly barnacled, but and the wind vane worked astonishing that the Sea in

August now, and

all

I

sailed her slowly too,

poorly. All of this

is

Mouses progress north was three of

my

friends

to say slow.

it

It

wasn't

was

late

needed to be back

in

Canada by September.

We were all sitting in the cockpit, sprawled out in poses of varying dignity,

when

I

said that, if they

sidering sailing to British ridiculous.

Ron

she thought

it

all

had

Columbia by

to fly

home,

I

was con-

myself. Jude said don't be

said he could understand the appeal. Colleen said

wouldn't

come

to that.

THE WATER

248

"Sure,"

options,

I

meant,

if it did, it

BETWEEN

would be one of my

is all."

"If that's year,"

said. "I just

IN

Jude

"Who

how

things play out,

said.

wants

tea?"

I

asked.

I'll

just

be

late for the

school

(Jhapter Seventeen

No man is an Iland, intire of it selfe; every man is apeece ofthe Continent, apart ofthe maine; ifa Clod bee washed

Europe

is

the

away by

the Sea,

as well as if a Promontorie were

lesse,

.

.

.

any mans death diminishes me, because I am involved in

Mankinde

.

.

.

JOHN DONNE

Hawaii From by rhumb line,

to Victoria

is

twenty-three hundred miles

but to avoid the North Pacific High and

its

attendant horse corpses one must go well north before doglegging

it

back

east

thousand miles or the sea. There

—some

to go

ers say

heard

not

all

is

toward the mainland. The route becomes three

so,

one of the longest uninterrupted passages on

some argument about how

far

north

it is

necessary

say almost as high as the southernmost Aleutians, oth-

—

as far as that

forty-five or fifty degrees, perhaps.

these arguments while

I

was docked

I

in Hawaii, trying to

someone into sailing home with me. The North Pacific is cold and volatile in the autumn and anyone who knew enough about the sea to consider sailing to Canada knew that much. talk

THE WATER

250

spent a

I

met

if

they

week and

this

scattered, vacant stares

understand the caution

back

from our

and pursed

I

I

were

topsides,

lips; I

could

we provoked.

Ron, Colleen and Jude had to get

time the Sea Mouse and

rust streaks dripping

little tired,

unkempt and

hair

BETWEEN

a half moored in Kauai, asking everyone

knew someone. By

both looking a

IN

all

gone home. They each had jobs

We had lingered too long on Penrhyn and once again

to.

stretched every estimate of

how

long the passage would take to

They were each tempted to stay behind and throw caution wind. They all asked me if I was sure I would find someone

Hawaii. to the

to

again in private.

I

me

crew with me. All three asked I

was

positive,

I

this

around the

told them. Don't

others,

and

worry about me.

stewed on the question of whether or not to go alone one night

as

lay trying to sleep in a thin sheen of sweat.

I

home.

to be

I

thought about

I

wanted so badly

the aborted circumnavigations,

all

about Bobby Peru, who, people told me, had been through Kauai

on

his

way home

a

two hundred miles south one

said,

He had broken his main boom of Maui. He had kept to himself, every-

month

earlier.

and had looked thoughtful.

I

said that

on Penrhyn. He must have been disappointed ventured. Shoulders were shrugged.

I

had known him

to be returning,

You know what

its like

I

when

home fast enough. Steven Jackson was docked beside me. He was a graying and deliberate man in his fifties. A few hours after we had arrived, he'd

your boat

starts to break.

You

can't get

walked over to the Sea Mouse and introduced himself. He'd looked at the peeling paint

"Fine,"

I

on the

hull

and asked us how the

trip was.

said.

"Where did you go?" I

told him.

He all

asked

said yes.

my

friends

and

I

if

we wanted

to

go for dinner.

We

KEVIN PATTERSON

Over dinner

him

to

me

tell

251

asked

I

him what he did

about his flourishing

for a living, expecting

legal practice. It

He

that he tested missiles for the U.S. Navy.

and

I

We talked about our boats, what we liked and disthem, and we told ocean stories. We fell into an easy

him.

didn't press

liked about

and comfortable

friendship, striking in

its

immediacy.

He made no

apology for his expertise in missiles, though he sensed In his position, electronics

turned out

didn't elaborate

would have dissembled,

I

and the government.

I

had been a

my

unease.

something about

said

soldier too, but

had

my comrades to call me "doctor" rather than "captain." After my friends left I told Steven I thought I'd go home alone.

asked

We

were eating oysters

asked

my

me why I

at the time.

thought that was a good

me

good luck would carry

about

some more.

it

An

old

"Why

He

I

said

I

idea.

through.

I

He

told

him I thought

me

asked

to think

would, not wanting to argue.

man fishingfrom a dugout canoe called out to are

neck and

stiffened his

you paddling

there,

me.

listening with those ear-

phones?"

I was

listening to

Chuck

Berry.

"Because I am unhappy, " I said.

"Where

is

your wife?" he yelled.

Then the wind took the also separated

our

rest

of our

talk away,

boats.

paul theroux, The Happy Before

arrived in Kauai a

him he was an

told I

we

didn't

Catherine's self to

want

man

old friend of mine.

was, where the boat was.

man

and it

My

to leave his

husband telephoned

of Oceania

my father and my father where

telephoned

He

asked

father said,

name

Isles

"On

the ocean."

The

or number. Several days later

my parents

and introduced him-

my mother.

He

asked her to help him find his wife and son.

that Catherine

and Sam had gone with

me on

He was

the Sea

sure

Mouse and

THE WATER

252

now

were

South

in the

Pacific.

My mother said she knew nothing He

about the matter, had never met the woman.

mother was hiding something.

BETWEEN

IN

He

thought

my

expressed that suspicion to her.

My mother, who fears conflict like housefife,

insisted she

was

tell-

ing the truth.

She relayed a

conversation to

this

pay phone. Her voice was

me

wanted number.

to call him,

wondered

I

my

full

didn't call

and

As

I

if

was

him.

else that I

was

irritated that

portant than

and

Pacific

to have the

my

given her a

Her husband knew

would be

As

of course,

this,

useful to him.

he had phoned

me

my mother,

in his tragedy.

if it weren't altogether

more im-

my own little problem concerning the autumn North

fear.

that he used his political connections

Canadian police follow return.

like this actually

me

for

must have spirited

I

could she elude him?

if

He had

he had sought to involve

(Much later I would learn lowing

stood on the dock at

of alarm. Catherine's husband

irritated that

hadn't involved myself.

I

I

Catherine had gone to Guatemala, where

if

knew nothing

I I

as

mother added.

her family maintains a house.

and

me

I

was surprised

most of the winter

fol-

How

else

his family away.

and

at his resolve

happened outside of movies.

I

that things

would wonder then

she had not been wise to hide from him. Both these people were

determined and powerful.

I

wondered how much money and

heartache they squandered on their anger at each other.

how

long

Exile:

it

would take the boy

on

issued for her

real

I

when

three continents.

to. I

Police warrants

wondered

in Ecuador.

Even the

if

is

distant

women

rest

She has chosen

she says

women

she does not ever say anything

of us can only guess what this.

come

know her

and frightened, wary of men and

with urban mannerisms, and

The

had been

she had

she eats a sandwich in the local cafe don't

name. She

revelatory.

to forgive his parents.)

might pretend

my imagined escapee

hello to

wondered

wherever Catherine was she knew isolation more com-

plete than anything

across

I

Sam

thinks of all

But she would not, again,

I

thought.

self-

this.

KEVIN PATTERSON

A me

253

couple of days

for a drive

my

Steven knocked on

later

around the coast road on the

where the breakers erupted against the accidents he'd seen in the army.

of the island,

east side

He

reef.

He

listened.

I

boat and took

me

told

told

me

that

really

too quickly, and too

rigidly.

He

thought that

I'd

decided to go

alone very early in the course of my attempts to find crew.

soon in

want

I

North

to be in the

couldn't leave at

which bad decisions

"The point

isn't

all.

Pacific in October. If

He

would be unreasonable

it

is

me

next day he brought

looked

mail

it

at

back to

should have the army.

Did

ties. I

it

and

me

it." I

it

I

unused. But shrugged.

if

He

—

his wife, Christina, a

a

a

wind vane. fine, just

then better you

it,

me more

German, married

a two-thousand-

autohelm,

you do need

told

to be out there

him I had

told

He had been in military intelligence,

had met

didn't leave

kept driving.

said, "If you don't use the

well, learned

about his time in

in Berlin in the six-

German woman.

wonderful

woman who had

been very sick that spring. She had had her surgery and had started chemotherapy: so

tough times over the metastasis they

had

far,

years.

excised,

so good. Boy, they

Long

pause.

now, Steven

said.

We

cockpit of the Sea Mouse.

I

It

were

was

now

to.

just

had had some

wondered about the

and remembered the

the cherry-picking she had been subjected better

I

would be unreason-

autohelm

his

dollar electronic self-steering system.

that

We

able to be out there alone right now."

He

said

was exactly the way

said that this

alone in another month, the point

The

I

I

made.

are

that

from

bad decisions were mostly ones made

what he had seen the

didn't

about

general's wife

and

But things were way

sitting in the disheveled

early evening

Things were definitely looking up, said Steven.

and very warm.

THE WATER

254

Being alone was the oddest aspect about

my

IN

BETWEEN

traveling in

Oceania, because the island people of Oceania were never

and could

alone

had families

—

not understand solitude. They always

wives, husbands, children, girlfriends, boy-

on a reasonable-sized island,

friends. To the average person

Wasnt

nearly everyone was a relative.

this

extended family

one of the satisfactions of being an islander? Living on an island

meant that you would never be

alone.

paul theroux, The Happy I

made

fly

Kauai to

though

tions,

had

to

—

sail

said

I

I

home

would have

to decide right away.

phoned Jude, who was told her

thought

I

I

how long the

for a job like her

what

I

new

was trying

few weeks

late. I

would

take.

one.

said that

I

me

help

had been trying

I

bought short

stories

many novels I had I

was nearly

On

the

week and they

new

teaching job.

me

told her

I

if I

by

I

wanted her

couldn't be cer-

She said she had waited understood.

I

I

I

for years

have no idea

calling her.

Lihue and

in

I

reader's guide to

walked up to

it

The Odyssey, to

a

to read that

to hire a taxi to take

winter

last

I

of Princess

me

for a year.

Amy Bloom,

and

so

back down to the boat.

spent with the artillery regiment

week-long exercise with the

last

damn book

by Linda Svendsen and

ready.

During the went on

bought a

impossible condi-

with the mythology and the rosy-fingered dawns and

flashing eyes. I

I

offering to

friends said "sorry."

She asked

alone.

to accomplish,

an afternoon.

my

one,

There was a Borders bookstore to kill

made

to leave within a

One by

would go

trip

I

getting ready to start a

to see if she could start a tain

with me.

of Oceania

Canada and

a pretense of telephoning friends in

them

Isles

day of the Patricia's

local

army

we

reserve batteries.

mortar platoon of a battalion

exercise, the

Canadian Light

Infantry, the howitzers of the

regiment and several batteries from the reserves carried out a com-

bined

fire

mission.

in the center

man,

A 105-millimeter high-explosive

of the mortar platoon.

his thigh

shredded

I

round landed

remember standing over one

like steak tartare,

shoving an intravenous

KEVIN PATTERSON

255

Another

line into his arm.

shard of twisting

and

skirted a kidney

room

operating

sewed furiously idiots

and

steel

abdomen by

struck in the

and

that penetrated his intestines

a

just

his aorta before lodging in his back. In the

retracted

I

man was

on

and seethed

his

abdominal wall

at the evident

as the

surgeon

incompetence of "these

their big guns." It wasn't possible to argue.

As we rode

in the

man

to give the

ambulance

to the hospital

I

asked the medic

with the shattered thigh a shot of morphine.

Medics in the Canadian army carry these spring-loaded syringes that,

upon being

simply pressed into the

activated, are

flesh.

The

needle pops out and automatically injects the morphine deep into the muscle.

The medic

pressed the syringe into the man's

arm up-

side

down and watched

own

thumbnail, spraying twenty milligrams of morphine directly

as the

needle shot up instead through his

into his eyes.

Steven and

He

Mouse.

fortable."

was

I

I

were

sitting at the table in the

described the crowded, disheveled interior as "com-

took

this as flattery

and we were drinking

lit

main cabin of the Sea

and

tea.

it

was.

The

kerosene lantern

There was a slow swell

in the

harbor from a southeastern wind and the lamp rocked back and forth. In the

he

said.

army he had interviewed

defectors for a long time,

nodded. That was interesting work. Those

I

men

always

seemed so frightened during the interviews that he was never tain they

were relieved to be

free.

Change can be

cer-

as frightening as

tyranny.

Then he went back engineering.

When

to university, got his degree in electronic

he got out of the army he went to work for

Raytheon, made missile radar in Oregon. Here in Hawaii he

worked

for the Pacific Missile Testing

middle of

was

in

all this,

some

he and

trouble,

figure things out,

he

his

Range of the

wife had two

kids, a

and a younger son who was said.

navy. In the

daughter

who

just starting to

THE WATER

256

IN

His wife knocked on the hull then, had wondered here.

When

me.

I

was

Her

eyes tightened.

if I

just telling

understood things if we're

still

Kevin about Debbie, Steven said to Christina.

But the lesson

in that,

he

said,

was that

as well as

we sometimes

think

we

there's

Even

if

we

do, he said,

able to figure out the best response to a situation,

even then nothing always

was

she joined us she said she had been worrying about

a large element of the uncontrolled in these things.

and even

BETWEEN

is

certain.

There

fly straight, circuits fail,

are always flukes. Bullets don't

weather goes

crazy.

Hence

the dan-

ger of rigidity, of prejudging your options.

He and tightly,

Christina both leaned forward.

I

leaned back, smiling

embarrassed enough by their concern that

I

briefly con-

sidered just selling the boat. But then they leaned back

gled loose.

They changed

I

was

half-hour they rose and promised to I

was

still

at the

I

wrig-

the subject to their joint discovery of

Native American spirituality and

ning, if

and

dock.

The

free.

come

After another slow

visit

me

next morning

untied the lines and motored out into the swell.

I

the next eve-

woke up and

Qh after

Partly because he

point where the often

is

so

near the boundary, so near the

circle closes,

tells stories.

The

suffocating obscurity

Eighteen

circle

Odysseus

the hero

is

who most

began with the majestic

of the worlds origins,

and

commanding

ends with this warrior disguised as a Phoenician

silence; it

merchant,

who some suspected of being a Phoenician mer-

chant disguised as a warrior. Odysseus invited irreverence, insinuation. Certainly, he inspired

other hero. .

.

.

.

But

.

respect

less

than any

.

in the centuries after

Homer, people would

go on wondering about Odysseus, and question and

answer would pass from mouth

mouth, as if in a long

to

stubble fire.

ROBERTO CALASSO, The Marriage of Cadmus and Harmony

The

southeasterly swell

cleared the breakwater.

mogul the equipment

The

for

me

the

moment

I

on

a

fell

as if

run, pitching violently in the steep stiff seas. All I

had packed away seemed

and the crashing from below was emptied.

hit

boat rose and

like

to break loose at

once

huge kitchen drawers being

My spotlight wriggled free of its confines and made a bid

freedom

—

a bottle of whiskey too,

and soon the scent was

as

big a deterrent to going below as the shards of glass. This wasn't

THE WATER

IN

ocean business.

It

258

going to be any problem

at

all,

this

BETWEEN

was

just a

question of preparation. Everything was prepared just great.

companionway hatch and smoked

closed the

I

cockpit until

away from the abandon.

ocean

then

was.

I

mountain began quickly I

it

swells.

"Got

to get

I

I

away from land before

thought.

was miles off the coast of Kauai and the

to sink a

little

lower.

Some

juvenile gesture of bravado.

and absurd. Extravagantly

my

mother

preposterous

It felt

Each minute of the

ill-conceived.

me

lengthening afternoon had

fighting back the temptation to

turn the boat around and find a harbor to anchor

in.

land astern began to disappear late in the afternoon

I

how

was astonishing

It

were riding a bike no hands with

felt as if I

my eyes hurt and I was imagining clouds to

until

I

shrank.

watching.

it

inched

longed for deeper water and for the short choppy waves

I

smelling pecan pie everywhere,"

And

as she

pitching and rolling with vertigo-inducing

reef,

to ease into long start

cigarettes in the

was nauseous. The Sea Mouse rumbled

I

I

When

the

stared after

be mountains.

turned the engine off and raised the small working

The

jib.

wind was only ten knots and the Sea Mouse was laughably undercanvassed, but

I

was not about to leap into anything

time

I

had done

about a mile.

I

studied a floating

the

first

this

by myself. In the next hour

weed

that

ally it

hoisted the mizzen.

and

at least the

Our

full sail.

The main was

all

I

paused

the

raise

was

sailed

sight

some more

of progress increased fraction-

masts were no longer quite

up and hoisted the main.

kept going.

rate

I

had been within

of the Sea Mouse for long minutes, and decided to sail. I

here; this

way

at

up.

vertical.

I

sucked

each reef point and then

The

Sea Mouse was under

She heeled over another ten degrees or so and

finally a

wake was appreciable beneath the transom. Night dulated

fell

its

and Kauai dipped below the horizon. The

way

across the sea in black waves that lifted the Sea

Mouse gently and then visible

Then

anywhere. I

swell un-

I

set

her

down

again.

was the only one out

remembered

that whistling

is

There were no

there.

bad

I

luck,

lights

began whistling. an invitation for

KEVIN PATTERSON

the

wind

259

up

to freshen ("whistling

very quiet.

I

a storm")

listened to the description of the

of which had

The

days.

North

citation

began again

it

indefinitely.

I

made

Upon

at the

to turn

it

was

I

I

I

short re-

make volume knob

moment when

recitation abruptly left off

Midway

Atoll

be heard, but

embarrassed,

I

I

and

news of the atmospheric

and nodded, impressed day.

On the third day

weaken and the voice was interrupted by live

the

within

it.

Soon

sta-

there was only

listened to that too, for another day.

turned the radio off and

it

was only

quiet.

was three hundred miles north of Kauai, twenty-seven degrees

north,

and had been

listening to radio static for

had the idea that

Mouse would be myself,

I

I

would

would nap I

At

minutes

for fifteen

night,

I

at a time,

when

tried this the first night.

I

was

the Sea

and then at the

to

rise to

Radio

intervals.

steadfast in

helm of the Sea Mouse, nodding and

against the stainless-steel wheel.

days.

had declared

had even bought an egg timer

Shack in Kauai to go off at fifteen-minute

sat at the

most of two

sleep during the day,

visible to freighters.

scan the horizon.

I

its

on.

listened for the

and the ghosts of voices that

Finally,

reached for the

remained the same for the entire

the signal began to

static to

I

left it

listened eagerly for the

pressure changes south of that they'd

tape-recorded,

the completion of

right.

and the

revised,

recommenced.

The voice was

beginning and so on, without pause,

off and then paused.

For the next two days, forecast

wind speed and

notes and listened again right through to

had gotten everything

I

I

from assorted offshore buoys and the out-

masculine and mechanical.

I'd

was

the sea for those long

radio listed the barometric pressure,

swell-height readings

I

It

High, the center

Pacific

Don and me bobbing on

left

look for the next seventy-two hours.

tic

stopped.

I

tuned the radio to the coast guard weather forecast and

I

sure

and

my thumbs.

twiddled

my

resolve,

Drool dripped on

and

I

my forehead my thighs. The

hitting

THE WATER

260

egg timer went reared

up and

"Ow,"

off.

my

My arm

it.

but

said,

I

My

No

eyes twitched to either side.

would have

I

shot out and hit

IN

BETWEEN

head slowly

Thunk.

boats.

was already drooling on myself

again.

About

the

same time the radio

egg timer into the

I

pitched the

sea.

I sailed with a free wind day tion

signal gave out,

marking the posi-

after day,

of my ship on the chart with considerable precision;

but this was done by intuition, I think, more than by slavish calculations.

.

.

IfI doubted my reckoning after a long

.

time at sea I verified the Great Architect,

it

by reading the clock aloft

and it was

joshua slocum,

"God

made

by

right.

Sailing Alone Around the World

looks after fools and alcoholics,"

my

battery

comman-

der had been fond of saying, referring to his soldiers' resilience in the face of misdirected high-explosive shells and calamitous love

The weather was gentle with me throughout my battle with the egg timer. The wind remained restrained but cooperative. affairs.

Handling panion. I

I

sails

reefed in the

bed with

proved no more

main quickly

full sail

up.

I

than with a tired com-

difficult

just did everything slower, as the

and planned things out more.

wind

grew,

and never went

paid closer attention.

My days had no identifiable beginning or end. ing an all-weekend

doing

I

did them.

call at

Then

I

a slow hospital.

went back

When

to sleep.

I

tle

to do.

At I

I

when

the rig was

watched the water

night, while

I

was

still

trimmed

drift by.

I

slept in the cockpit, stretched

out on

ket over me. Shortly after dawn,

it

like tak-

things needed

surrendered any

would not be

well there was very

stretched.

in the trades

was

It

sense of schedule because the adjustments to the rig

scheduled, and

to

I

lit-

napped.

and the wind was warm,

life

preservers,

with a blan-

became too bright and warm

— KEVIN PATTERSON

and

to remain there

point in the day

Then

would

I

third or fourth

keep I

it

read.

261

I

I

day

I

out

I

nap on a

my

sea berth.

From time sails. I

to time

I

position.

for an

hour or two, to

checked the

—

batteries.

I

ate.

sea.

curried noodles

and

tea

I'm out here completely alone. Nothing

is it,

awful has happened."

I

peed in the

was eating supper

and thought, "This

my

plot

At some

course and adjust the helm. Every

would run the engine

trimmed the

A week

to

would check the GPS and

calculate

lubricated. I

went below

was surprised. The ocean was orange and

pink. I

hard to remember what

tried

had been

I

by myself from the beginning;

to go out

thing hard;

had wanted

I

to be a

it

I

little

after. I

had wanted

dangerous.

I

had wanted do some-

to

remembered

that.

Memories of my old lus

girlfriend

seemed remote now,

theorems painfully learned but

but unimportant.

on pumping the

I

now

like calcu-

barely remembered: true

concentrated on keeping the cabin clean and

bilge often

enough

that the engine remained dry.

Aug 29/95 3145"

N 159' W

Making good speed today

after

an unsettled

night.

Four

sail

and of course at daybreak we were sailing under the jib and mizzen. Its hard to avoid, that at night where the wind comes up for half an hour,

changes, I think,

at 2

kts,

scenario

you shorten

sail,

gust

given the hour

is

over,

tired. So,

but are reluctant

to raise it

and the fact

that

again when the

Im

alone

and

mornings are frequently seen with gentle winds puff-

ing at shortened sail. Even hoisting sail at night. It

when we were four I didnt

isn't

wrong,

its just there. Its

like

why

this

passage takes a month.

A

month.

write on. I need to bathe;

need

me

to

sweep the cabin

nuts.

And paper to Im feeling quite grungy now. And I

Sheesh. Well, I have plenty to read.

Hmmm

.

.

.

—

sole

a week

these specks

only, so far.

ofpaint are driving

THE WATER

262

By reading

I

kept a kind of mental order.

books that had brought I

would be attempting

his

damned

equal

me

out there, had

It

made

had

largely

been

inevitable that

it

a long singlehanded passage.

love of the solitary

BETWEEN

IN

Chatwin and

nomad, which neither of us proved

to.

read Singlehanded Sailing by Richard Henderson over and

I

over again. This

book

is

partly a history of solo passages, paired

with long chapters on the boat designs, sailing techniques and arrangements best suited to the singlehander.

The

ethos of

rig

self-

sufficiency runs like a religious tenet throughout, which, in sin-

glehanded

sailing,

hard to take issue with. Certainly considerate

is

and witty conversation-making would rank

a

little

higher on the

could have drawn up, out there, walking around the boat and

list I

and looking

stretching

at the sky.

Henderson devotes pages

various techniques of wire-splicing strategies

alone.

and swagging,

Henderson quotes Francis is

be diluted,

storm

effective

and ruminations on why someone would go

your crew

to the

to

open

sea

Stokes, circumnavigator: "Unless

extraordinarily congenial, the experience shared will

less vivid,

and

less

well remembered. Solitude sharpens

awareness of small pleasures otherwise

lost."

Wonderful,

I

thought,

bring on the small pleasures. I

learned that, despite the ancient history of sailboats and

passage-making,

it

wasn't until late in the last century

—

coincid-

—

ing with the flowering of individualism in Western society

that

sailors began attempting long-distance singlehanded sailing pas-

sages.

These tweedy and bearded Americans, Frenchmen and

Englishmen immediately captured the Victorian imagination and books began

selling

by the thousands detailing wild and,

at times,

improbable adventures. Alfred Johnson, a handline first

Grand Banks fisherman, was

the

to cross the Atlantic from west to east alone, in a twenty-foot

decked-over

wooden

days.

He

ships

and was

He was

dory, Centennial, in 1876.

It

took fifty-nine

navigated by obtaining position reports from passing at

one point capsized by a breaking wave

attached to his vessel by a long safety

line,

and

it

in a gale.

took him

KEVIN PATTERSON

263

twenty minutes to right the boat. His water and food was ruined

and he

but he was able to get supplies from another

lost his stove,

made

passing vessel and he

landfall ten days later.

Johnson's adventure prompted other voyages, which seemed to

have been done largely

as stunts, or grist for

By

books.

the turn of

the century there had been a half-dozen solo Atlantic crossings

and

many

easily as

books. There had even been races.

About

half

of such attempts seemed to conclude with the master arriving

on shore chagrined on some pened

coal- or timber-carrier that

by.

Solo ocean crossings were overshadowed for 8,

had hap-

1898,

when Joshua Slocum

Spray, sea-weary

and battered

In Sailing Alone

ing the

last

of Magellan and Cape of

Strait

Around

about his reasons for putting to

He was

sea.

children were born

all

Slocum's family accompanied

coy

fleet.

He and his

of their four

all

For most of these voyages,

soil.

him

is

a sailing captain dur-

the great oceans; and

on foreign

Slocum

the World,

proudest years of the sailing merchant

wife Virginia had sailed

May

after a two-and-a-half-year solo cir-

cumnavigation by way of the

Good Hope.

time on

all

arrived in Boston in his yawl, the

in his 220-foot square-rigged

three-master, Northern Light. In 1884, however, Virginia died sud-

denly in Buenos Aires. Slocum was never the same. His son Garfield said that after her death his father

was

"like a ship

rudder." Like Derrick, perhaps, drifting to Hawaii search of Christian

with a broken

and beyond

in

women.

The following years were dreadful for Slocum; misfortune piled upon misfortune in a downward spiral. There was a mutiny and, in putting

it

On another passage the crew

down, he shot two men.

was stricken with smallpox.

and

Finally,

shipwrecked on the coast of Brazil and utation as a meticulous ship's master.

edged to be a

and

difficult

careful mariner,

his last

command

thing else about him.

he was

and

his rep-

lost his vessel

He had always

been acknowl-

and obstreperous man, but he was

and

lost

catastrophically,

so his bluster

on

a sandbar,

also a safe

had been accepted. But with

nobody wanted

to

know

any-

THE WATER

264

To

return

home, Slocum

He and

dory, Liberdade.

made of

his

built a thirty-five-foot junk- rigged

new

wife Hettie, and his two sons, success

voyage was not matched by the success of the book that

described

it,

however, and perhaps

for recognition that

in reading his book,

Maybe

this unrealized

yearning

to circumnavigate the

man by

this

world

point already, and

I

didn't detect that particular thirst in the writ-

after five

thousand miles with three other people in a

thirty-five- foot

When

was

it

prompted Slocum

singlehandedly. But he was an old

ing.

The

5,500 miles in fifty-five days, to South Carolina.

this

BETWEEN

IN

boat he simply wanted a bit of privacy.

he had

last

been on American

he had been the master

soil

own sailing vessel and now he was without a ship or employment; his new wife went to live with her sister, who despised Slocum. He was of his

desperate

He built the

by

go

see the world.

Spray from the keel up on the model of an abandoned

oyster sloop. She cost tially

He decided to

and unhappy.

him

$553.62. After departing

intended to go eastabout, but was alarmed

pirates off

Morocco.

He

Atlantic for the second time

He headed Islands,

after

ini-

being chased

retreated to the west, crossing the

and made

for the Strait

of Magellan.

north along the Chilean coast to the Juan Fernandez

where Alexander Selkirk had

lived, inspiring

Robinson Crusoe. Then he turned west.

without stopping and

finally

Robert Louis Stevenson,

many years, was

made

He

Samoa.

landfall in

living in

Samoa

for

Slocum spent time with Fanny,

me

through and through, sparkled

notes of adventure.

experiences and escapes. She told

she had voyaged in

Daniel Defoe's

passed the Marquesas

writes of her:

kindly eyes, that looked

when we compared

He

who had been

recently dead, but

the writer's widow.

The

Boston he

all

me

that,

manner of rickety

the Pacific, reflectively adding,

"Our

I

marveled

some of her

along with her husband,

craft

tastes

at

among

were

the islands of

similar."

— KEVIN PATTERSON

I

265

can imagine his face on hearing

remembering again

Slocum

Pacific,

"Never mind rejoice." it

The

that?

There

the sun, is

making

imagine him

I

The

dollar.

tapo

is

about the ease

his observations

quoting a village

chief:

tapo has prepared ava;

let

us drink

and

the virgin hostess of the village; in this instance

was Taloa, daughter of the

the tree there

and

his late wife.

takes his turn

of the South

that,

is fruit.

chief.

"Our

taro

is

good;

let

us eat.

On

why should we mourn over coming. The breadfruit is yellow in

Let the day go by;

of days

are millions

and from the

cloth-tree

is

Taloa's

good, cost but the labor of building

it,

gown. Our house, which

and there

is

no lock on

the door."

While days go thus

in these

Southern

are struggling for the bare necessities of

I

read

effect that I

moved

I

had written

on.

After

months

this, as I sailed

And

in

north, and

islands,

we

in the

North

life.

remembered words

to this

my journal upon arriving in Tahiti.

But

so did Slocum. Neither of us really hesitated.

Samoa Slocum made

for Australia.

and being

in those waters, visiting

feted

He

passed nine

by the deeply im-

The Spray was given a new suit of sails by the commodore in attendance at Sydney. Slocum was already a celebrity and he was only halfway around. From Australia he made for South Africa by way of Mauritius in the Indian Ocean. Once round the Cape of Good Hope he made for Boston again, pressed citizenry.

Royal Navy

up the South Atlantic

to the Caribbean

His book was an immediate

and then home.

best-seller. Sailing Alone Around the

World has been taught for most of this century in North American high schools.

It

stands even today as one of the masterpieces of

adventure and maritime writing. That the public, west,

and

so

moved even

was evidence of the

Modernism and fore.

it

struck such a chord with

the dry land-dwellers of the

societal

Mid-

changes that were under way.

the cult of the individual were

coming

to the

Until this century, the celebrated feats had been collective

THE WATER

266

IN

BETWEEN

armies fought in battles, religions were reformed through mass

movements and companies were celebrated,

it

was

for leading others.

Even the word "corporate"

and

brate the remote

walking away from

is

Where

built.

But

now

pejorative. In

the individual was it is

bur

literature

isolated figure, turning his

And we

us.

imagine that he

vastly different.

we

cele-

back and quickly

isn't

stealing back-

ward glances the whole time.

Slocum eschews any and he

to sea alone, at

certainly does not allow himself to hold forth

any length on the

among

Moitessier,

part of

To

spiritual aspects

others.

But in

my own

facilitate

But above I

all

for every emergency.

and some carpet

I

tacks,

not a great

some

years of schooling,

studied with diligence Neptune's laws, and these laws I

sailed overseas;

it

have endeavored to

bitt cables,

tell

my

just the story

friends,

tried

I

hope, with de-

I

will

only say that

of the adventure

poor way, having been done,

and

I

was worth the while.

now, without having wearied

my own

see, as

the enterprise as already mentioned in the story.

tailed scientific accounts, theories, or deductions,

in

at

one should go understand-

to be taken into account were

obey when

And

I

he does hint

small achievement, a kit of not too elabo-

rate carpenters' tools, a tin clock,

many, to

all,

work and be prepared

look back over

to

his conclusion

succeed, however, in anything at

where

of the sea that so preoccupy

appeal:

its

ingly about his I

of what took him out

explicit discussion

I

now moor

itself.

This,

ship, weather-

leave the sloop Spray, for the present, safe in port.

Slocum's affection and reverence for the sea holds no suggestion of conquest. narrative.

Derrick,

one

He

could not have written a modern adventure

His restrained and self-effacing prose reminded

on the

radio, wishing

striking departure

the Azores

when he

from

this

Don and me good sober voice;

it

luck.

me

There

of is

occurs after leaving

has just dined on white cheese and plums.

Beset by abdominal cramping he hallucinated

"a tall

man

at the

helm. His rigid hand, grasping the spokes of the wheel, held them

KEVIN PATTERSON

as in a vise.

.

.

267

His

.

rig

was that of a foreign

red cap he wore was cockbilled over his

with shaggy black whiskers. in

aspect

forgot the storm,

I

and

He would have been

any part of the world. While

and the

sailor,

left ear,

all

was

large

set off

taken for a pirate

gazed upon his threatening

I

and wondered

if he

had come to cut

my

throat." It

was not a

pirate but the pilot of

Columbus's Pinto, come to

He advises Slocum that he did wrong to mix cheese with "White cheese is never safe unless you know whence it Quien sabe, it may have been from leche de Capra and be-

save him.

plums.

comes.

coming capricious." Later High

that night

Slocum hears the

pilot singing:

are the waves, fierce, gleaming,

High High the

is

the tempest roar!

sea-bird screaming!

High the Azore!

The still

old boy was two

months out

at this

point and, apparently,

getting used to the solitude.

But with

humor

this bit

of whimsy, his

a storyteller

skill as

runs through the book and keeps

it

have turned into. Would have turned into, had

hundred years

later,

The minute he

caricature

could easily

been written a

does, he

Man does not mock

becomes something other than a

dreamt up in an advertising agency.

Testimony to the

difficulty

solo circumnavigation

century

it

it

the proof being nearly every subsequent single-

handed circumnavigator s book. The Marlboro himself.

clear; his

from becoming the

of self-important exercise in breast-beating that

sort

is

later,

in 1925,

of Slocum's

was not duplicated

feat

of seamanship, a

until over a quarter

of a

by Walter Pigeon, another American, aboard

the yawl Islander. There were another eight solo circumnavigations in the following thirty years.

have been

many

By

the end of this century, there

hundreds. Westabout, eastabout, via Cape

Horn

or Panama, in every combination, in the smallest boat, the largest

boat

—and

always,

it

seems, a

book

to follow.

THE WATER

268

IN

BETWEEN

In 1968, Moitessier and Robin Knox-Johnston both completed

non-stop solo circumnavigations and laid to

meaningful than the

feats. If

sailor.

any of them were meaningful

Someone

bathtub, for instance.

of the

rest the last

for

anyone other

has yet to circumnavigate in a porcelain

ocean sailing that has become the

just

It isn't

arena of conquest and ego, of course

—

the

same period has seen

Everest littered with bodies hanging from ropes.

After about twenty days at sea

although pirates.

I

I

had told me,

difficulty

held by anthropologists as the naked

is

My coat became clotted and stiff.

forming thoughts more sophisticated than the urge

for physical release

attention span

had shrunk

until

my way

I

would read the same page of a

and having

and reread passages from the Odyssey to me.

I

wasn't at

in the

mous

all

clear to

sun and stared

the Sea

me

the sea was and

much about

own

that

I

how

far

my

I

mean

head.

was unhappy out

less

there.

sails

I

sat

drawing

I

slept

and

The when

heard something banging.

close

any of them came.

I

It

important for being alone.

teeth

I

I

stopped worrying very

boat below became a morass I

became

awakened

and only

tired

I

remember looking

thinking, "This should be upsetting me."

rose

several times to see

the sterns of tankers miles distant, steaming away.

how

read

was from land and humanity.

freighters at night.

of clothing and books. I

didn't

I

Mouse along and thought over and over again of how enor-

stopped brushing

when

random. They

water and watched the

at the

remained beautiful to me. But I

at

to start over.

spoke them aloud, just to hear a voice say some-

thing that hadn't arisen out of my It

My

of whichever variety was the most pressing.

novel repeatedly, losing

much

to pieces,

did not hallucinate any multilingually punning Spanish

ape's substitute for lice-picking.

had

fall

began thinking aloud. Conversation, the old doctor in

the Arctic

I

slowly began to

I

have no idea at

them and

KEVIN PATTERSON

269

Into this state of passivity and diminished will intruded

my

ories previously held at bay:

performance in an

head bowed, one hand over

sailing,

the attention of passersby.

A dozen awful

over the course of that love

poked here and

Letters. It

not owned by anyone,

I

still,

stopped seeming strange.

regarded them detachedly,

we behave

occurred to

me

I

flipped through

then that betrayal is

fall

in love,

we

badly. Coils of fouled

past me, the skeletons of long-dead fish

fall

is

common

as

two men.)

for the lives of those

We

drawing

to avoid

of all the betrayed, and

least

(Commoner

behave well,

affair.

alley before

telephone conversations

there, searching for sensation.

The Durrell-Miller

as desire.

my mouth

mem-

out of love,

It

we

nylon fishnet floated

enmeshed within.

Competing with Moitessier and Knox-Johnston

in the round-the-

world race of 1968 was an unknown Englishman named Donald Crowhurst.

I

had bought Tomalin and

ofDonald Crowhurst in Lihue. reading

it, I

I

was mystified that

Crowhurst was an

Hall's

had not heard I

intelligent

to

his story before;

had not come and

across

it

on

sooner.

who invented mid-sixties. The com-

gifted engineer

a radio navigation device for mariners in the

pany he formed

The Strange Last Voyage

market the device was never profitable and

Crowhurst was often on the verge of insolvency.

When

the solo

non-stop circumnavigation race was announced, with a cash prize

of

five

diately.

thousand pounds, Crowhurst rose to the challenge immeHis motive was

money, and in

as

his dealings

much

a thirst for

fame

with the sponsors and

emanated the kind of haughty confidence that one

was

for

suppliers,

he

as

it

associates

with

those destined for success.

He

set to sea in a hastily built trimaran.

Moitessier and Knox-

Johnston were already in the Indian Ocean, and charging ahead.

There were

prizes for elapsed time

and

for first

home. Crowhurst

thought he might yet win for shortest elapsed time.

He was wildly

— THE WATER

270

confident about the trimaran design

ocean racing.

He

—

IN

BETWEEN

unproven in open-

as yet

expected to average two hundred miles a day

double what keelboats could do. His boat was a disappointment from the as

slow

Sea Mouse.

as the

reached the South Atlantic, ing, that

became

It

his

all

he was going to lose the

limp in months

after

everyone

start.

She was nearly

him by

clear to

the time he

grandiloquence notwithstand-

Worse, he was going to

race.

else, like

caught up in a frenzy of lifestyle reform.

a first-time marathoner

And

after all that bluster.

He hatched a plan. He remained in the Atlantic and began sailing in

He

circles, alone, as far as

he could get from the shipping

sent in radio messages describing ever

more rapid

Ocean. His plan was to wait

across the Indian

finish

progress

of the

until the rest

competitors were in the North Atlantic, racing for home.

would appear among them, and

among

the

lanes.

Then he

fastest,

second

or third perhaps, to avoid the especially close scrutiny the winner

could expect of his logbooks.

He would

not win the prize money,

but his navigational devices would be publicized. humiliated.

No

one would

call

him

He would

not be

a quitter.

He spent months keeping just the same lackadaisical and nearly aimless pace that the Sea

Mouse maintained during her

best efforts.

Finally, his competitors were in the Atlantic again and making for

home. Crowhurst

tried to position himself in the

Then, without warning, Moitessier Johnston made

it

home

middle of them.

quit, to "save his soul."

to claim the prize for the

first

Knox-

boat to ever

complete a non-stop solo circumnavigation, and Crowhurst was in line to

come

win the

prize for the shortest elapsed time,

inspection of his logbooks.

another trimaran Tetley,

who

on

sail

to be

found

tered his mind.

man named

boat tore apart under the strain of too

left

out.

by a

to "catch" Crowhurst. In the

and Tetley was rescued only Crowhurst was

slowed his pace. There was

in the race, Victress, sailed

pressed

this effort Tetley's

He

and the unwel-

after his vessel

middle of

much

sail

foundered and sank.

the only possible winner, his deception certain

Coupled with the months alone

He

Nigel

left

at sea, this shat-

an explicit record of this eclipse in his log-

KEVIN PATTERSON

271

books, which are extensively quoted in Tomalin and Hall s book.

I

read these alone at sea myself, a thousand miles from shore.

Man

is

mine

for himself.

crum

will

a lever

whose ultimate length and strength he must

His disposition and talent decide where the

places the fulcrum near the effort; his

much more mental

exercises are

—

own

his

ideas

—

than physical and can carry the

taking perhaps nothing but his

kindred minds along the route.

E-mc 2 is The

The

one supreme example of this

his

country

activity.

fulcrum nearer the

move

the whole politico-economic sys-

—perhaps of

the world. Both types of activity

is

to

The

shape the course of man's history.

E- mc 2 is a good example

the idea that

own and

shattering revelation that

extrovert, say a politician, places his

load, for his function

tem of

ful-

lie.

The pure mathematician

"load"

deter-

first

shattering application of

of this

—

I

refer to the

bomb-

ing of Hiroshima.

By now Crowhurst was only

He wrote in

one

drifting,

and writing

furiously.

twenty-five thousand words similar to the passage above

stretch.

He

cut

all

his hair off.

He

read

more

Einstein.

He

elaborated a theory of morality he claimed to be based in Einsteinian physics.

Free will

—

the obligations to morality, each

man

is

providing the

system with impulses and he should think hard about the nature of

them ual

this

is

the sole moral obligation that

the individ-

OWES TO THE PROGRESS OF THE SYSTEM. I

consider this statement with

the conclusions at ease

form .

I

am

some

trepidation as

think about

drawing so rapidly out of the system, but

about the outcome because the impulse

is

am

in the required

—thought. .

.

Free Will

—

the very centre of the theological mystery re-

solves itself to this childishly simple issue. Will

own

I

free will, the stipulation that

when he

man

accept, of his

has learnt to manipulate

THE WATER

272

the space- time

choice

made

continuum he

simply

is

this.

system

will possess the attributes

Do we

us," or realise that

IN

BETWEEN

of God? The

go on clinging to the idea that "God

it lies

within our power to

make god? The

shrieking out this message at the top of

is

voice why

does no one listen

I

am

listening

its

anyway

Into this preoccupation Crowhurst allowed the telegraph operator to intrude long

being planned. to

enough

He radioed back that his wife and children were not

meet him on

This was the

his arrival.

was seriously amiss. In

The more

him of the victory celebrations

to inform

his

logbook

things got upside

cum

down, the

was that there was no good or

evil,

pline

is

the

By now first

steadily

he wrote:

better they fitted.

two equally

The

meaning of free

satisfactory sets

calls "the

timed against

disci-

were wildly distorted and

mental disorder. Under one blunder

his

max poss error.

more incoherent throughout the

episode he

of

will.

his navigational calculations

of July, he wrote

truth

who know the

Complete freedom of choice beyond the reach of any

he had an intimation of

on the

treatise

only truth. Those

truth could select one or other of rules.

sign that something

first

game," a

series

His writing became

day.

He

records an

of notations made in the

log,

The

last

his frustratingly inaccurate

chronometer.

passage reads:

It

has been a

good game

must be ended I

will play this

I

choose

I

that

at the

game when

will resign the

Game 11 20 40 There No reason for harmful Then, apparently

at

is

twenty minutes and forty seconds

eleven, he stepped off his boat.

The

after

trimaran was found drifting

KEVIN PATTERSON

ten days

And

later.

273

Moitessier and Knox-Johnston were dumbstruck.

then the logbooks were deciphered and the bizarre

tale

emerged.

As

read this

I

book

I

fought back tears most of the time.

thized with Crowhurst as a fellow

on

brave and stalwart, out there as stoically

Hillary

He had imagined He represented

liar.

that sea.

and cheerfully charging out

own company. He embraced

his

and

all

I

the

the grand explorers

—

himself himself

happy

across the ocean,

lie

sympa-

in

presented by Slocum and

that endurance

and

isolation

ennoble. I

remembered the shame of being caught

homework

school: the All

to see his wife

too ashamed to face them.

had

and

Other memories floated past returning

had sent

home with no

me

out to

the middle of the

forgiven him. All he

and adjusted I

I

as

I

Pacific, the desire to get

my

of how

relief

longer

I

like that?

Don and I had Cape

felt

that

Flattery.

mythology

I

looked

better.

I

wished

I

me.

I

home

at

my

little

wished

I

first I

morn-

could not

How could

crosses

wondered why distance would be sought.

that explained the Odyssey for

voice better.

was

would be out

I

imagine, could not recall that yearning for distance.

and

I

progress three times a day

much

ing out of sight of land, after clearing

have been thinking

sky.

and further out into

sailed further

calculated

my estimations

remembered the

and shining

obvious resolution to the problems that

But

sea.

in the bright

autumn North

grew to an obsession.

chart,

hell.

and he was

children,

They would have

what

do was come home.

to

there.

Oh my God,

not, in fact, done.

Crowhurst wanted was

in lies in public

I

I

on the

had books

remembered Greek

remembered the sound of my

fathers

THE WATER

274

IN

BETWEEN

August 31, ipp4

W

136' 20" N, I$6'

Beautiful late afternoon; the

wind has switched around, now

coming out of the ese

at about 12

to sse,

out on the reaching pole

—I

3 kts

and am

wind is more

guess the

kts. I've

got the genoa

drifting along at

7—8

like

kts.

about

But anyway,

this is

Mouse is hardly heeling, everything is dry. what downwind sailing is all about. Lets have

just gorgeous: the Sea

Man. So

this is

more of it! I find my thoughts .

.

.

.

.

.

room, chewing on one

gnaws

here,

memory and then

gone as long as

— perhaps— before

isn't

a

to another.

window shopping on

without speaking

to

still

of

No

the past.

someone

that odd—just then a passing freighter—Russian

raised

The freighter s moving

this

in

another, a couple

a gnaw there (ouch) and then on

theme, no important insights, just I've never

around like smoke

drifting

me

on the

radio.

captain was a jovial

man who addressed me with

pleasure: "Hello, Leetle Boat!"

Me (stiffwith formality, Mariner): vessel Sea

Him:

Unknown

wanting badly

Russian Freighter,

to

this

sound like a Competent is

the Canadian sailing

Mouse, go ahead. Leetle Boat,

where

are

you going, where

are

you coming

from?

Me: Unknown Russian British

Freighter,

I

am bound

for Victoria,

Columbia, en route from Lihue, Kauai.

Him: And how many people on Me: Unknown Russian

Him: One person on

that leetle boat?

Freighter, there

that boat!? For

is

how

a crew of one.

long have you been

at sea?

Me: Unknown Russian

Him: Eight side

and

I'll

days!?

Freighter,

By yourself on

I

am

eight days at sea.

that leetle boat!?

Come along-

throw you some vodka, some soup and some porno-

graphic magazines!

KEVIN PATTERSON

275

Me: Unknown Russian

thank you for the

Freighter,

offer

but

that will be unnecessary. Provisions are adequate.

And after he continued over the horizon and disappeared,

my

there shaking

picked up

.

.

head

quite evident that there

it

past week. stay

is

and that I God knows how many

shipping here

be looking about, at night.

to

have ghosted past

[freighters]

Mindyou

up here [above

}

me

while I've been sleeping in the

with weather

this nice, it will

to the

matter of this aimless, meander-

ing interior monologue. I dont think that

focused enough

what it chooses

my parents, most notably. These, This was precisely what

army house. The days were

water streamed under the boat and the I

looked

at the sea

was that haze that of the ocean.

The

going and what that

it

I

I

at.

.

.

.

for,

those winter nights in

bright sails

and

beautiful, the

swelled out in a broad It

A thousand miles ahead was the end

gray on the edge of the water was where

thought about.

I

was aware even

as

I

I

was

was doing

was a mistake to disregard the accessible beauty in favor

immediate. But the logic of escape

had

My friends,

mull over.

and saw the gray haze on the horizon.

stared

of the distant and unseen, assuming

I

determined or

more than anything else ...

longed

I'd

to

it is

but there might be

to really discern anything,

insight available from

little

be easier to

deck].

Anyway, looking back

it

I

/ think that seeing him might prove fortuitous inasmuch as

.

do need

reach.

of our conversation.

at the strangeness

my pen.

he makes

the

sat

I

is

it

to be lovelier than the

premised on

a presentiment that the "travelling" phase of

passing.

I felt,

my life

might be

before the malaise of settlement crept over me, that

should reopen those notebooks.

resume of the

this error.

ideas,

I

should

set

down on

I

paper a

quotations and encounters which had amused

and obsessed me; and which

I

hoped would shed

light

on what

is,

THE WATER

276

BETWEEN

IN

me, the question of questions: the nature of human

for

restless-

ness.

one of his gloomier pensees, gave

Pascal, in all

it

our miseries stemmed from a single cause: our

as his

opinion that

inability to

remain

quietly in a room.

Why, he

must

asked,

a

man

with sufficient to

to divert himself on long sea voyages?

To dwell

Or go

go off in search of a peppercorn?

off to

live

on

feel

town? To

in another

war and break

bruce chat win,

drawn

skulls?

The Songlines

Here, Chatwin himself seems to be suggesting that itinerancy is

destructive. Later in the

writes:

"One

same book, paraphrasing

we were

tunes, for in distraction

I

it

that passage

was the worst of our misfor-

prevented from thinking about

and were gradually brought

came upon

noticed

he

thing alone could alleviate our despair, and that was

"distraction" {divertissement): yet this

ourselves

Pascal,

to ruin."

and was astonished that

before, at least could not

had not

I

remember reading

it.

I

read

ahead quickly, but the suggestion was not pursued. The remainder of Songlines Bible

is

largely devoted to extracts

and dozens of other sources

irresistible forces that

Chatwin's erudition

But

move people

is

states.

And

true.

Life rafts have killed

tion to problems in the Fastnet

that discuss the compelling to

movement

—

the evidence of

no

further.

We

are

moved

to

move, he

But incompletely true.

hundreds of

on the

sailors

by offering a

false solu-

boat. In a storm in 1979 a fleet of sailboats

Race was hammered off the coast of England

by Force eleven and twelve winds and twenty-eight-foot the twenty-four boats that were

sailors

seas.

Of

abandoned during the worst

of the storm, nineteen were subsequently recovered of the

and

apparent and the quotations are beautiful.

his thesis progresses it is

from Herodotus and the

from these abandoned boats died

afloat.

Seven

in the sea. If they

KEVIN PATTERSON

had remained on

277

and worked

their boats,

would have preserved themselves. in battered boats start looking

not surprising that

It is

toward the

life rafts.

But

sailors

it is

often

temptation.

a fatal

I

to preserve them, they

wondered what Chatwin might have written

proceeded more slowly.

The

care

if his illness

and support he received from

wife and his lovers and friends were only available to

ing spent time with them, for having stayed

know and wondered earlier,

love these people, for if

protease inhibitors

would he have been

had

them

him

long enough to

still

him

to love

his

for hav-

had come along

in return.

just a

I

few years

able to sustain his passion for the idea

of the solitary nomad.

His friend Theroux wrote The Happy Chatwin's death. In this book, which is

none of Chatwin's romantic and

Theroux

is

than Chatwin

—he

of Oceania

after

read on this passage home,

of the road.

ecstatic vision

and has always been an altogether

ecstatic writer

furred

I

Isles

less

romantic and

depicts himself as a gnarled,

and baying- at-the-moon misanthrope. But

in the narrative

of his paddles through the slow and troubled lagoons of the South Pacific, there

ment

itself.

is

no argument made

for the superiority

Theroux's focus remains on the place.

forget, are never allowed to forget, that

And we

can't

he went there

as his wife

moved

move, too,

was deciding to part from him. Theroux but he does not see his salvation

of move-

is

as lying there.

to

He

respects the

erosive quality of solitude.

There was no concept of traveled

among

Book-reading islands either Illiteracy

solitariness

the Pacific islanders

I

that did not also imply misery or mental decline.

as a recreation

—

among

for that

had nothing

They knew from

to

was not indulged

same do with

reason, because it,

in

much on

you did

it

these alone.

and there were plenty of schools.

experience that a person

who

cut himself off,

who

THE WATER

278

was frequently seen alone

—

walking on the beach, on his

BETWEEN

IN

reading books, away from the hut,

own

—was sunk

in

deep misu, and was

contemplating either murder or suicide, probably both.

When

Pere Fournier had sought to isolate himself with his

dogs and his

rifle

forty years previously, the Inuit, too,

would not

He came to understand the true nature of isolation out there, I think. He learned it from people who live in the topography of loneliness. He has subsequently chosen to remain only him

let

alone.

with those people, and will not leave

who

as

long

as

he

able to stay

is

there.

The

leave,

because they did not resent the close breath of others; they

Inuit families

pitched

camp

him wouldn't

beside

understood that the only buttress against the fearsome and shrieking

wind

lies

Which

in

is

humanity huddling together

to keep

the importance of the companionship of books and

which becomes the redemption of travelers and to

Their

tell tales.

warm.

stories,

when

their

compulsion

they are meaningful, are not about

the road, or nomadism, and certainly not about the solitary trav-

They

eler.

are

And however

about home, and the troubled those

alone and cold, severed from

I

knew now

that

I

had put

travelers' relationship

homes may

be, being

a world behind

ing out another world ahead.

I

me, and that

astern;

at night,

was open-

lifeless

savages.

aspect were

on some of them not even a speck of moss had

grown. There was an unfinished newness hill

I

all

it.

on home.

had passed the haunts of

Great piles of granite mountains of bleak and

now

awake

others, does not have a patch

with

about the land.

ever

On

the

back of Port Tamar a small beacon had been thrown up, show-

ing that

some man had been

there.

he had died of loneliness and

grief?

But

how could one

In a bleak land

is

tell

but that

not the place

to enjoy solitude.

joshua slocum, By and

this standard,

stirring

and

Sailing Alone

Chatwin's work

is

precisely crafted as his

Around the World

not meaningful. As lush

words

are, in

the end his

— KEVIN PATTERSON

books are cynical

279

—

more

vastly

cynical than the superficially mis-

anthropic Theroux.

Chatwin's deeper misanthropy springs from the reek of our dreadful cities and the puerility of our tastes. Chatwins assumption was that our city culture could not be salvaged, that living

together as

they

same

inescapably oppressive. In letting

is

are, city-dwellers

remain

as

is

cynical.

"the eye" for a precise aesthetic, perhaps, but

have been exactly that understanding of

it.

ments and

who

we

In his writing tapestries.

stayed by

him

We

learn

all

would have

it

this sensibility

which values pictures so much more than communities

doomed

awful

to have collectively concluded the

thing. In either instance, the conclusion

Chatwin had

may

seem

cities

—

about ancient marble to guess that

that

frag-

he had a wife

every minute as he withered like a cut stem.

Eleven hundred miles off Vancouver Island, the skies grew abruptly darker and the air colder.

and began

east

The wind

to build.

I

shifted

shortened

sail

around to the southquickly, dousing the

genoa and putting up the working jib and then dousing the main.

The wind

built further

storm

even

jib;

so,

and soon

the Sea

from windy

until long after

By

five that

I

was flying only

moment

Because there was no transition

I

Mouse was surging along that

to dangerous,

I

my

stiff little

at six knots.

announced

the

itself as

did not grow frightened

ought to have.

afternoon

I

was steering manually, the

seas

having

defeated the electronic autohelm, and the sensation was just wild: the stern rising as the sea passed beneath

wave

crested, the

bow

rearing

up

and then

like a frightened

the boat slowing and almost sliding backward

down

falling as the

Spanish horse, the wave.

Me,

swinging the wheel madly to get the boat perpendicular to the next wave approaching from astern. the short-wave and stretched six

I

listened to the weather

marked out the margins of the

hundred miles north and south, with the

gale.

on It

center, the

THE WATER

280

worst of

up there

stayed

a windshield, exploding against

wind screeched I

When

the

wind blows between

that hard

interior

doused the storm

still-building seas tightly.

still

jaws of a trap.

I

With only

jib.

you

building.

The

To contain

my

even hear yourself; the

can't

monologue and speech becomes moot

As the boat swung precariously

hoisted a reefed mizzen

the small aft

sail aloft,

In the dark

I

In the dark

down

weather a week distant, gear, steeling

closed

I

my eyes.

my wet

lay in

myself to go up top again.

one back home knew of this storm. International: the stock

I

rain

I

me and

as

of the tropical

last

wondered whether any-

tuned in to Radio Canada

market was doing

was expected

bow

sweater and foul-weather

well, the

nominees had been announced. The weather

and warm, some

seas struck us

went below.

now, the

there, cold I

I

in

the boat weather-vaned

saw breaking seas on either side of

these roared too close,

.

in the

and sheeted

sail

around further into the wind and the heavy first.

I

sang "Swingin on a Star" and kept forgetting the words.

distinction I

The storm was

like a rabbit in the

my back.

morning, shivering and

until very early in the

singing to keep myself awake.

fright

BETWEEN

passing to the north. In the blackness the rain drove

it,

me like insects on

into

IN

Booker

in the east

Prize

was bright

in the west, the coastal areas

could expect moderate winds.

"Moderate winds." This front would weaken,

drew closer looked las.

in

No

to shore. Vancouverites

at the sky, sighing wearily as

one knew of this

would

supposed, as

curse as they

it

awoke and

they reached for their umbrel-

gale out here then.

The Globe and Mail, perhaps

I

On

the weather

map

my father would No one else would

notice the tightly

concentric rings off the West Coast and wonder.

even guess.

Choosing

to

go off alone onto the heath, and then despairing

—

knew how you were doing the absurdity of this even in the storm. The opposite of the calculus theorems:

because nobody

was

clear

incongruent and unjustified, but nonetheless.

all

the

more

insistently

important

KEVIN PATTERSON

The memories day are the

281

that

do not

of insight. This time alone on a

richest sources

like

nothing

else in

my experience.

resenting their close breath

ers,

little

company

boat at sea in the middle of a wild storm and longing for is

of our

at all well into the patterns

fit

have leaned back from oth-

I

upon me, imagining

most

that the

important virtues are self-reliance and independence, fantasizing

about post-apocalyptic survivalism (myself the only survivor). Into

misanthropy intruded a frank and uncovered

this resentful

ness.

This

why people venture

is

boats and across deserts cant.

And

the reason

We make

each other. It is

we can cannot

true that

we

out alone on mountains and

—not because they

why

they can't

one another

last

—

men and women need

and resourceful

and

without companions. In

and blame others

that

is

all

next morning

it

was

and

creatures

we

poires belle Helene, but

cities

we

live

badly with one

—

the pressure of their presence

the vileness of our days. But the fault does not

The

little

can, but because they

better.

are ingenious

survive without espresso

another,

loneli-

lie

for

there.

The storm had blown hard

vastly worse.

night and the seas were only higher. For long minutes

think that the wind was abating, and

I

I

would

grew optimistic that the

worst had passed. Then, with a howl of pure malevolent force, the

wind would reach I

had heard

before.

psychopath

is

The tendency

my God,

that, there

is

alone

nothing so

rage, loneliness

and heard

it

come used for a day,

and

louder even than anything

to turn the weather into a fickle

to the extent that the habit

self-aggrieved resentment in ourselves,

gerous. But

human

new crescendo,

irrational,

and

frustration

for a

on

full

a small boat, listening to

of what sounds

and malignancy.

that morning,

to the squalls

I

When

like

dan-

it is

wind

I first

woke I

again

had be-

fronts that were only ever truly

with a day before and

after

like

unstoppered

cried with disappointment.

and

prompts

of unpleasantness, but

bad this,

THE WATER

282

was more

this

fierce

And getting worse. wrapped

gear,

I

lay

first

The boat was

violent pitching

my foul-weather

sole in

lying hove-to into the

was too frightened

I

strength, but even

height in a storm

more important

had been blowing now

at

partly a function of wind

is

the duration of the wind.

is

in the trough of a swell

it felt

bottom of a teacup. The

itself.

The

like sails

I

and foam

hit

went

The was not

as

my face with

the Sea Mouse,

and held on. The

sea berths

it

was

clear the

wind had

as I

it

had been.

If,

had heard wind

when

I

had

like this,

I

way I had not heard before.

would have heard the mast going I

I

I

heard gear creak-

knew things were sole,

and

I

was

over.

went up top the sky was gray and

ging behind the changes in the wind, were

cold.

still

The

seas, lag-

huge. But

my face it was not as slashingly painful as Most of my spare water jugs, which had been tied

the spray hit

rails,

it

gone offshore in

broken. But there wasn't any water on the cabin

When

Sea

would have been nau-

ing on the deck in a

I

The

lessened.

first

now I viewed it as quieting.

fear.

went up top

the force of a caning.

But

seous with

I

shaking with fright at the strongest gusts, but

still

bad

and when

night.

next morning

Mouse was

in

slack in the lee of the sea

off,

wedged myself into one of the

I

whole day and

When the Sea Mouse was

was riding on a sugar cube

tops of waves blew right

the spindrift

It

Force eight and nine for thirty-six hours

and the waves were mountainously high.

sure

to even

at the sea.

The peak wave

the

BETWEEN

day had been by a wide margin.

below on the cabin

in a blanket.

wind and from the look

than the

IN

when

before. to the

life

were gone. The whisker pole on the mainmast had been

twisted

away from the track on which

it

was mounted and

now lay

obliquely across the deck. Shards of wood were scattered across the

The dinghy was askew, but we were all still afloat. I began cleaning up. The wind settled to a steady fifteen knots. hoisted the working jib. The Sea Mouse began making her way

foredeck.

I

to shore again.

It

was a

relief to

be moving.

I

was

still

badly fright-

KEVIN PATTERSON

ened and be a

my arms felt rubbery and weak. I hoped that things would

little easier

The wind becalmed.

I

it

day or two.

for the next

eased further and further until

My

boat looked like

and dropped but guess

283

to look

now

at the placid sea

capable of such histrionics.

started the engine

Slow night

I

wanted

It

to be

was not possible to

wind swung around to

the

off to 10 kts or

home

so badly.

was hun-

I

just sit there.

so,

made

virtually

the north,

bad— but now

things go well.

to Victoria. Ay, yi, yi.

about the engine

—

tors, etc., etc., etc.

and dropped

no headway. This a.m. I

started motoring, promptly blew the v-belt.

landfall.

you would never

ipp$

10,

—

was again nearly

and began motoring, even though

dreds of miles offshore.

September

I

had been turned upside down

it

I have one

Ijust checked the

spare,

GPS—poj

Reading The Odyssey and worrying

the stuffing box, the transmission, the injec-

So far

so good, though.

I cant wait

to

make

Nine, ten days. Its okay. I'm not dying here. Its

today, there's

some sun,

it isn't raining.

ofpasta, though. But I'm not Later

—

The water

sunset.

beautiful like

this.

miles

Not much

warm

I'm not dying. I am sick

dying. is

glassy calm.

My

sailing to be done,

God,

it is

of course,

but

mighty beautiful. The engine goes just fine. The stuffing

still,

—

box remains tight-looking times though. That

new

The wind situation

I've

bilge is

pumped the

pump

nuts.

Only eight hundred and change

bilge

was a good

a couple of

idea.

Oh

well.

we're at five

hun-

Gale or calm. Christ. to go.

When

dred, then we'll be close.

Pleasant, languorous evening. sunset.

Doing

progress those

little,

long-deferred jobs, gives

and stability.

like.

—singlehanding

I mean, but

well.

Beautiful

me a feeling of

I'm pretty happy, becalmed or no.

dang gales I don't much

those from the equation, all this is,

Engine works

Ifyou could just eliminate

would be in

It's just

a storm

magnificent. It is just

still

tense, is all.

THE WATER

284

The

might be

right boat

reefing on the main, all

headsail

—

different, or

it easier.

less tense.

a legitimately

lines [led] aft,

would make

these

at least

IN

But for now,

BETWEEN

Roller-

reefable

this is okay.

My little Sea Mouse. Then

the spare v-belt

had

It

took about

hit

my head The

minutes to

on the

next day

floor.

we

fix

What

sat there

strait

tried

on the

or even

if

its

I

that,

with refinements,

utes.

Maybe

ing.

We

worried about trying to

I

my way

that

up the Juan

with no engine.

there was crew

It

would

and we could take turns

couldn't be asleep in the middle

approaches.

I

could get them to

would be enough

meantime, we could not make

the

I

many different techniques.

tried

I

a moron.

sewing together %-inch line in loops, to

engine.

I

and both the

loose

didn't have another spare.

Strait against the tidal current

have been another thing

I

I

bobbing.

watching out for shipping. But of the

it.

no engine, or making

get into a harbor with

de Fuca

checked the engine again.

had been rubbing against the engine block.

failed

five

I

mount had become

realized that the alternator v-belts that

apart.

fell

last

fit

the pulleys

Eventually

about

I

found

fifteen

min-

I

thought. But in

progress. This

was disappoint-

for docking,

bobbed.

This

is

hard, here. I'm finding this hard.

later.

Tm

writing this by flashlight. The engine will run for

at least a few minutes with the current rope/v-belt. I've started

her up squeal.

and there The

is

—which demise— mount

Nothing

is

gone.

But

this is

fine for docking at

Port Renfrew, or

I end up This

least.

Neah

chatter

and

their early

barn door after the

not so bad. The engine will probably be

Now I just have to sail to

Bay, or

Victoria

Grays Harbor— whichever

—but not awful.

hard

and hence

like shutting the

at. Victoria, preferably. is still

much

broken bolt on the alternator

led to the angled v-belt

is fixed.

horse

actually not even all that

of all this, the

origin

—

or

place

KEVIN PATTERSON

I

285

spent the following

ing brought

more

five

days cursing

while writing a

why

with me, not having checked

v-belts

belt failed before replacing

first

my stupidity at not hav-

and so on. Then one

it

letter to a friend, a

thought struck

me

the

night,

like

I

was

a schizophrenic being whispered to by angels: You bought another v-belt in I

tle

Hawaii and tossed it forward, under

ran forward and

dug out the

fo'c'sle. I

the electrical supplies.

remember doing a

dance with the belt in one hand, hooting with pleasure.

the boat lurched and

on

I fell

my rear. Within

lit-

Then

minutes the engine

was running again.

September iplp$

I found a

v-belt!

In the for d locker! The engine has been run-

ning now for twenty four hours with nary a hiccup. I am

mouth of the J de

248

miles from the

As

approached Cape

I

Flattery,

I

E Excellent.

realized that

my fuel was run-

ning low and that the prudent thing would be to could, so that

I

this aloud, over

The

would be

able to

and

but

over,

I

now

motor

sail as

in to shore.

I

close as

I

told myself

was unable to turn the engine

off.

sea remained glassy.

September

21,

ipp$

y6.$ miles to the

mouth [ofthe Juan de Fuca

Motorsailing at 4

to

5

kts,

but not much. Looking

to

a

little

make

SraitJ.

Exhausted.

of where I want to be, mouth of the Fuca a few

east

the

hours after dawn. Will probably have plenty offuel

Say a five-gallon albeit

reserve.

left after all.

I put in about seventeen gallons

today,

of highly crud-laden fuel but that should do me for a day

and a halfanyway. Which, together with my reserve could well me into Victoria. It would be nice to make Victoria tomor-

get

row.

Oh man,

it

would be

nice.

But, either Victoria or Port

Renfrew. Either way, landfall tomorrow. Lets hope

its

not

Flattery Rocks, or something crazy like that.

Man, I am

What I need is a shower

shave,

(desperately)

and a

tired.

and ten

THE WATER

286

IN

hours of uninterrupted sleep. Wouldn't that be nice?

BETWEEN

Wont

that

my mail maybe not till Monday, buy some clothes, find a cafe someplace. Make some phone calls. Heaven. be nice? Pick up

I

checked the

fuel

tank and could see the

ing around the bottom. sail I

I

last

few gallons slosh-

turned off the engine and hoisted every

owned.

Fifty miles before the continental shelf, the water slowly

change

from a cobalt blue into a muddier and muddier

color,

green. For three days

opaque.

The wind

shrinking until there

all

it

I

watched the water lighten and grow more

barely

moved me

started

I

nearest

watched, horrified,

toward Hawaii.

I

We bobbed out finally

fuel

I

had

The engine

saved,

I

sputtered to a stop

The wind blew only out of the

as the

poked

Canadian port was Bamfield, on

the west coast of Vancouver Island. fifteen miles offshore.

Mouses wake

just stared.

judged myself within range of the

up the engine. The

all.

when Mount Olympus

her head above the horizon, I

along, the Sea

hardly disturbed the surface at

but immobile and

When

began to

east,

and

I

Sea Mouse began to back up and drift

called the harbormaster

and asked him

could have someone come out in a boat with some diesel

if

he

fuel.

Shortly before sunset the local coast guard rescue service roared

out of Barkley Sound in search of the lone mariner in

"Coast guard, Coast

this

is

the Sea Mouse:

I

am

not in

distress:

distress."

Guard Headquarters: Uh, could you verify

that last state-

ment, Sea Mouse? Sea Mouse: Uh, yeah,

I

don't have

any problems that

five gal-

lons of diesel fuel wouldn't solve.

Bamfield Detachment: ship in distress, Coast

Sea Mouse:

I

am

We are en route with diesel fuel for that

Guard Headquarters.

not in

distress.

KEVIN PATTERSON

287

Bamfield Detachment: Roger

The orange tified

en route.

that. Diesel fuel

rescue vessel roared around until

it

finally iden-

Then Jim and Don and

the rust-streaked Sea Mouse.

Albert

jumped aboard with a jerry can. These were the seen in over a month. They were fishermen volun-

pulled up and Jim

people

first

teers

who

I'd

guard station and liked roaring around

staffed the coast

in the big orange boat.

scending about

They were

friendly

and not

conde-

at all

my fuel misjudgment and they saved my sorry butt.

Together the Sea Mouse and the big orange boat rumbled into the

my Christ.

Bamfield harbor that night and, oh I

stepped up onto the dock and tied some loose dock

lines. I

stood there staring at the trees and swaying on the bafflingly tionary concrete dock. Again

I

uation, but this feeling will never be retrievable.

course ter I

I

was going

to

make

it, I

of time." Someone touched

hurried

could make

I

At the pub with such joy

I

it

knew no

as has

sta-

thought, "I will remember this

had a good

me on

boat.

I

will think,

was

It

sit-

just a

the shoulder and told

of

mat-

me

if

to the bar before the grill closed.

one, but sat there and ate a cheeseburger

never before been prompted by fried food.

I

drank a bottle of cold beer and had to hold on to the table to keep

from

falling to the floor.

with a belly

full

of bloat

I

lolled

grass.

beard was atrocious-looking.

and asking

if I

from me.

believe this

I

been the Dangerous spiration,

But off by

I

and

my trousers

in a bar.

crinkled

my aroma. On past.

lumber into the

when

I

was pretty

and

coming up

my life I

Hereford

realized,

sat a

to

my me

long way

I

have ever

stiff

with per-

that

My sweater was moved.

that night, even if cordoned

the wall were pictures of maritime disasters

A barquentine stood surf. I

I

like a

The fishermen

beer.

the only time in

Man

around

waitress kept

became a part of that crowd

from years

that rock.

eyes

smelled awful,

The

needed another is

I

my

looked

at that

awash on the rocks,

and was glad

glad, in general. Glad,

that

I

spilling

hadn't hit

and malodorous.

THE WATER

288

I

walked to the one motel in town.

him

asked

my wallet. He

was coming from.

I

told

rubbed

him

I

said sure, five dollars.

and asked

his eyes

had

the proprietor and

just crossed

me

where

from Hawaii

I I

in a

by myself.

sailboat

He

He

could rent a shower.

if I

reached for

woke up

I

BETWEEN

IN

"How long

straightened up.

did

it

take you?"

"Thirty-one days."

"Good

for you,"

he

said.

was a crazy thing to do."

"It

remember

"You'll

this for years."

make

already doesn't

"It

sense to me, I'm forgetting

right

it

now."

"You «T 1

just

need some

sleep."

»

guess so.

"Shower's on the house," he said, nodding, and turned to go

back to I

sleep.

stood under that shower for an hour.

off again

and again and

when

that

difficulties

I

soaped up and rinsed

again. For the remainder of

seem interminable,

my life I think

will think

I

about that

shower. In the Indo-European languages, fresh water "sweet water" and the idea cut off

my beard with

is

right

scissors

—

vastly

it is

more than

was gleaming pink and

Then

I

felt like I

had

walked back to the boat. The

tidal current

fresh.

I

and then scraped off the thick sun-

bleached and salt-stained stubble methodically, until face

usually

is

just

tide

flowed quickly out the channel.

my

had an acid

entire peel.

was ebbing and the

The Sea Mouse bobbed

alongside the dock quietly. There was no one around; the whole

town was drinking wished I

into

I

in the pub.

knew someone who

I

sat

down

in the cockpit

and

lived nearby.

blinked and breathed slowly in and out. This would retreat

memory

looked

at the

such

it,

as

soon

as

as all this

dock and marveled

that

you could

a wonderful idea.

wonder receded

a

What little,

tie

came

to

at

that there existed a thing

it,

your boat to

a thing to think.

I

seem normal

it

again.

I

and not move. What

shook

my head and the

ebbing from me, slinking back

down

the

KEVIN PATTERSON

289

beach, leaving behind the drying tide

mark ran

as if delineated

mud. Along

by a

spirit level.

the shore the high-

The

grass abruptly

stopped, edged right against the impermanent shore. I

retied the

dock

and went up top

come

in

at sea. it

stars.

autumn and

Overhead a

until

it

lines

again. It

and went below.

changed

my

clothes

clear nights that

the stars shone almost as brightly as they had

satellite

tracked slowly across Orion.

went away and then

The water

I

was one of those very

I

looked

glistened like cool

at the familiar,

molten metal.

I

stared at

unmoving

jicknowledgments

Neither the trip

being on

it,

this

book

nor the education

describes,

would have been

possible without

and gentle man, and would be happy

Don

voice, except to be heard over the wind. Write to

Nanaimo,

British

Lang.

received for

He

is

a kind

to be your skipper/teacher/first

mate and go anywhere warm you might take him.

Station A,

I

Columbia,

V6V

He'll never raise his

him

at P.O.

Box

903,

him

well,

and

1E1. Feed

consider what he says. He's a pretty smart guy. I've

met on

changed names and some identifying this

journey

at sea

details

and through doctoring;

I

of other travelers

I

thank them for shar-

ing their experiences.

me insightful advice and encouragement on the early drafts of this book. He is to the book what Don was to the trip. Linda Svendsen, Christy Ann Conlin, Dale Thomas, Butch Connelly, Andreas Schroeder gave

Joe Tangi, Bruce Martin, George and Anita Lang, Maria Fernandez, Sue Lightford, Kevin Oneschuk, Noel Wells,

Megan

and Martha Keeley, Jude

Ron Maier and

Saunders,

Fraser,

Colleen Cariou, Charles Myers,

Arnold Shoichet, Andy Edelson, Karen Berg and everyone

dock and bar have

all

been very kind to

owe each of these people brother father,

Tom

Patterson,

a great deal.

my other

I

Ker

me

at

Moby's

since this trip started

would

also like to

brother Michael, and

thank

my

and

I

my twin

mother and

Margaret and Roger Patterson.

Finally,

Westwood

I

am

incredibly grateful to

Creative Artists and to

House Canada.

my

my

editor

agent Jan Whitford at

Anne

Collins at

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