The Primal Wound : Understanding the Adopted Child 0963648004

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NANCY NEWTON VERRIER

Copley Square

*

Digitized by the Internet Archive in

2017 with funding from

Kahle/Austin Foundation

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The Primal Wound Understanding the Adopted Child

Nancy Newton Verrier

J

GATEWAY PRESS,

INC.

Baltimore,

1997

MD

Copyright

© 1993 Nancy Newton Verrier. All rights reserved. No part of this

book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means,

electronic

or mechanical, including photocopying, recording or by any information storage and retrieval system without permission in writing from the author.

Cover painting “The Primal Wound”

©

1991 Jane

Schweitzer.

All rights reserved.

First printing,

Second

1993, Baltimore

printing,

1994, Baltimore

Third printing, 1996, Baltimore

Fourth printing, 1997, Baltimore

Please direct

correspondence and book orders

all

Nancy Newton

919

to:

Verrier

#9 CA 94549

Village Center,

Lafayette,

3

Library of Congress Catalog Card

Number 92-70164

ISBN 0-9636480-0-4 Published for the author by

Gateway

1001 N.

Press, Inc.

Calvert Street

Baltimore, Maryland

Printed

in

21202

the United States of America

To

who came on a path yet

Gisele into our lives

of sacrifice

whose

love

and pain

and courage

have brought us understanding and

joy.

CONTENTS

Acknowledgments

xi

Preface

Part

xiii

I:

Chapter

The Wound 1

-

/ 1

Adoption as an Experience

The Amazing Awareness The Need

for a

5 5

of Babies

Permanent Caregiver

6

Adoption Issues

7

External Considerations

8

Adoption as a Concept

9

Abandonment and Adoption as Experiences The Importance of Early Experience The Trauma of the Abandonment and Adoption

10

Birthdays and Birthday Parties

15

Chapter 2

-

The Connection with the Birthmother

The Mysterious Link Between Mother and Mother

vs.

Child

12

14

17 18 19

Primary Caregiver

Attachment and Bonding

19

The Broken Bond “I Want My Mommy”

20 21

Birthmother Fantasies

22 25

The

Difference Between Understanding and Feeling

Confusion Between Love and Abandonment

Chapter 3

-

Loss of the Mother and the Sense of Self

Dual Unity with the Mother

A Break in the Continuum of Bonding Premature Ego Development

v

26

28 29 29 30

The Ideal State The Search for The False Self

32 33 33 35

of the Self

the Self

Rejection and Basic Trust

Chapter 4

-

Loss and the Mourning Process

The Need to Mourn The Unacknowledged Attempt The Stages of Grief

to Grieve

39 39 40 40

Defending Against Further Loss

41

Psychosomatic Responses to Loss

42 44 45

Basic Fault

The Death

Part

II:

The Manifestations

/

49

Love, Trust, and the Adoptive Mother

Chapter 5 The

of the Psyche

Limitations of the Adoptive Mother

Who

Is

the Abandoner?

Splitting

On

Being Special

Images of Love and Hate

A

Matter of Trust

Love

Is

Dangerous

The Relationship with the Father The Withdrawal/Acting-Out Dichotomy The Nurturing Mother

The

Right to Selfhood

Chapter 6

-

The Core

The Profoundness The Pathologizing

Issues:

Abandonment and Loss

of Loss of

Abandonment and Loss

53 53 54 55 57 59 60 60 62 63 64 64

68 69 70

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder

71

Manifestations of Separation and Loss in Childhood

74 74

The Numbing

of Affect

vi

“If

You Leave, You're Out!"

76

Fears of

Abandonment Are Not

Stealing

and Floarding

Fantasies

77 78

78

Control as a Foil to Loss

Chapter 7 - Issues of Rejection,

Trust,

and Loyalty

81

Difficulties in Relationships

81

The Fear of Rejection The Bad-Baby Syndrome

Distrusting the Self

83 83 84 85 87 88 89 90 90

Loyalty

91

Divided Loyalty

91

Loyalty to the Lost Child

92

Intimacy,

Losers and Stoners Testing

Out

Rejection and

Work

Issues of Trust

and Intimacy

Distrust of the

Feminine

Difficulties in

Separating

Chapter 8 - Issues of Guilt and Shame,

Power and Guilt

94

Control, Identity

and Shame

94 96 96 98

Power or Mastery and Control

The Adoptee

as Victim

Life Isn’t Fair!

100

Identity

Part

III:

Chapter 9 In the

The Healing -

107

In the Best Interest of the Child

for a

Conscious Decision

for a

113

114 114 115 116

Flip Side of Exploitation

Time

111 Ill

Beginning ....

The Need The

/

New Approach

The Need for Adoptive Parents Children Make a Difference

Vll

Chapter 10

-

The New Family

Home

118

Handle Loss

119

Bringing Baby

How to Telling

118

121

About Adoption

Acknowledgment

123

of Differences

Children's Resistance to Talking about Adoption

124

Games and

124 125

Play

Time

Art, Poetry, Music,

and Dance

Separation Anxiety

127

The Meaning

of Discipline

128

Limits During Adolescence

131

The

133

Cardinal Rule for Adoptive Parents

First

134

Five Cardinal Rules

Chapter 11

-

One Year The

136 137

of Love....

Touch

Issue of

The Fear

136

Adopting Older Children

137

of Connection

139

Being Empathic Difficulties in

The

140 142

School

Teachers’ Responsibilities

142 144

Discussing the Biological Family

The Wounded Parents

144 145 146 147

Healing the Adoptive Parents

Taking Care of the Biological Children

A Word about Fathers A Chip off the Old Block Father’s Support for the

Adoptive Parents

148 149

Mother

Do Make

a Difference

Chapter 12 - Reunions as a Means of Healing the Adoption Triad Searching

—Emotionally Charged

for

150

Everyone

The “Bad-Guy” Syndrome: The Adoptee The Birthmother as Bad Guy

as

Bad Guy

153 153

Understanding the Birthmother

154 155

A

156

Double Loss

The Impact on Problems

in

the Extended Family

the Birthmother 's Nuclear Family

Reconnecting as Part of the Healing Process

viii

157

158 158

Another

Shift in Roles:

Adoptive Parents as Bad Guys

159

Search and the Adoptive Mother

160

The

163

Feelings of the Birthmother toward Adoptive Parents

Adoptee, Caught

in the

165

Middle

165

Healing the Triad

Chapter 13

The Reunion Process

-

167

Understanding the Emotional Climate of Reunions

167

Regression

169

Genetic Sexual Attraction

172

The

173

Incest

Taboo

Sexual Feelings Between Biological Siblings

174

Reunions as Reconciliation

175

The Hard-to- Reach Adoptee

176

The

177

Reluctant Birthmother

Tenacity, Patience,

Chapter 14

-

and Understanding

in

the Reunion Process

Empowering Ourselves

179

181

Shunning the Victim Role

182

Challenging Long-Held Beliefs

183

Allowing Feelings

—Controlling Behavior

The Difference Between

Personality

and Behavior

184 186

Acknowledging and Mourning Loss

187

Three Barriers to Integration:

189

Fear

189

Guilt/Shame

190

Anger/Rage

192

Taking Back Our Power

193

Being Assertive

195

Finding a Spiritual Path

196

Part IV: Conclusions /

199

Chapter 15 - Further Implications of the Primal Wound The Impact

of

Abandonment on Other Populations

201 201

204 206 206

The Surrogacy Myth The Need for Integrity The Wicked Stepmother

IX

Fetal Alcohol

The Question Difficult

Syndrome and the Adopted Child of Abortion

211

Choices

More Honesty and Support, Less Judgment True Beliefs or Convenience?

Chapter 16

-

Honor Thy Children

Challenging Old Assumptions

The Mother Connection Putting the Well-Being of the Child First

What Constitutes Security? The Future of the Adoption Lowering Expectations Society's Attitudes Must

The

Mystic Aspect

208 210

Change

212 213

215 215 216 216 217 218 219 219 221

Glossary

223

References

227

Suggested Reading

229

About the Author

231

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS This work

is

people, one which involved pain as well as accomplishment. first

of

all,

to thank

all

the participants of

my

this

book

My

possible.

my work and

added

manner

many

thanks, also, to the many,

adoptees, birthmothers, and adoptive parents

hearing of

Their

off limits.

willingness to look at painful aspects of their lives in an honest

what made

want,

I

original study for delving

which had hitherto been

into parts of their souls

is

many

a labor of love and dedication on the parts of

who came

forward after

their experiences to those of the

original participants. Their response has

been overwhelming and

their

courage exceptional. I

also

who gave upon a

want to thank those members of their valuable time

of the helping professions

and knowledge so

cross-section of experiences having to

and adoption and with bonding and

that

into

in

perinatal

phenomena. These

both agency and private settings gave

whose work with

me many

insights

problems relating to foster care and adoption; Jean Benward,

L.C.S.W., adoptee and psychotherapist,

was

might draw

do with relinquishment

include Florence Grossenbacher, Jungian analyst,

adoptees

I

I

wanted to ask adoptees;

who

helped

David

Dr.

me clarify what

Cheek,

M.D.,

it

who

volunteered to take an adoptee back to the birth and adoption

experiences via hypnotic regression; Dr.

took the time to correspond with

me

Thomas

Verny, M.D.,

about adoption and perinatal

experiences; Patricia Ladouceur, Ph.D., adoptee and friend,

emotional support during

this project

who

whose

has been invaluable; and to a

trio

of friends in adoption B. J. Lifton, Ph.D., Annette Baran, L.C.S.W.,

and

Reuben

Pannor,

conversations and from

L.C.S.W.

whom

l

with

whom

I

have

had

great

have had oodles of encouragement.

XI

I

could not have finished this project without the help of several

people:

my

editors Leslie

Lauren and Laura

Keilin,

whose suggestions

much more readable for the audience had in mind; my typist Glenna Goulet, who worked through the holidays to meet my publishing deadline; and my publisher Ann have made a somewhat

clinical subject

I

Hughes, whose enthusiasm and dedication to very

much

appreciated.

It is

interesting that without

represented in the above people an adoptee

mother

(Laura), a birthmother (Ann),

A

(Glenna). it

special thanks to adoptee

took to bare her soul by allowing

primal

wound which appears on

Most

of

Pedersen,

all

would

who

I

started

like

this subject

meaning to

have

(Leslie),

an adoptive

sibling of

an adoptee

Jane Schweitzer

me

I

for the

courage

to use her painting of the

the cover of this book.

to thank

me on

and the

have been

this

my

daughter’s therapist Dr. Loren

journey into research and writing,

and the

for having the insight to understand

ability to

communicate the

pain Gisele was suffering as a result of her adoption experience. His attitude of love

an

and compassion toward

me, not only during

inspiration to

all

wounded people has been

this project, but for

as long as

I

have known him.

And

to

my

family,

never be finished, patience,

who have

goes

my

probably thought this book would

deepest appreciation for their love,

and understanding.

Xll

PREFACE

This book

is

over the country

about adoptees.

am

I

who have opened up

inner stories I’ve promised to

tell.

It

and to promote the healing process will

for

all

me and whose

their hearts to

also written for the adoptees’

and adoptive parents as a bridge to understanding

birth

it

is

writing for those adoptees

all

of them.

It is

their children

my hope

also aid professionals in their understanding of the

that

complex

my experience of what call the primal wound as in my own daughter, who, observed twenty-three years ago, was the first person to bring to my attention. issues pertaining to adoption.

I

will

begin with

I

it

I

it

If

anyone had

me when we

told

brought

home

our three-day-old

daughter on Christmas Eve, 1969, that rearing an adopted child would

be different from rearing one’s biological

love her

it

won’t be

and

different!

What can a

give her a wonderful

would conquer

all.

What

I

for us to give her love than

home.”

was

and

anxiety of wondering

anxiety manifested

if

them and

My

belief

was

for her to accept

security our daughter has

at

baby know?

For love to be freely accepted there must be love

many new and

like

tiny

discovered, however, it

I,

would have laughed

enthusiastic adoptive parents,

“Of course

child,

was

that

it

said,

We

will

that love

was

easier

it.

trust,

and despite the

been given, she has suffered the

she would again be abandoned. For her this

itself in

typical testing-out behavior.

At the same

time that she tried to provoke the very rejection that she feared, there

was a reaction on her us.

It

seemed

part to reject us before she could be rejected by

that allowing herself to love

and be loved was too

dangerous; she couldn’t trust that she would not again be abandoned.

I

was

to discover during

testing-out behavior

to

having

was one

of

my two

ten years of research that this diametrically

opposed responses

been abandoned, the other being a tendency toward

Xlll

acquiescence, compliance, and withdrawal. Although “testing-out” child child,

I

am

may

be more

We

were

had no idea

deep, caring, and

of a

at the outset of her therapy that adoption

had

our

all

lives.

my

was

Why was my yet close

directed at

Why

wanted to give her? trying

therapist

must somehow be

I

students, as well as the

not having these

For most of the

at fault.

me, her mother. What was

to

in public?

Why was

I

doing wrong?

me

I

Why

at

home,

she so strong-willed and

need to be

did she feel the desperate

control of every situation?

child

my

daughter acting so hostile and angry toward

and loving when

dramatic?

daughter. Despite the

who was

younger daughter

believed that

I

understanding of

intuitive

biological parent of a

acting out

as to

had been considered a highly successful teacher, with a

I

difficulties,

way so

was the beginning

anything to do with what was going on with fact that

with a compliant

able, after years of trying to

ourselves, to get help for her. This

it

journey which was to change

I

living

thankful that our daughter acted in such a

bring her pain to our attention. deal with

than

difficult

with a

living

complete

in

could she not accept the love

have since learned that

“all

I

had and

the hoopla

is

the

connect with the mother,” as James Mehlfeld, a

who works

with adoptees, put

it.

At the same time,

this

attempt at bonding was sabotaged by provocative, destructive behavior

on her

part, as

she tested and retested our love and commitment.

Because we were able to get the appropriate help for

outcome

for us as

experienced by

her, the

a family did not reach the tragic proportions

many

adoptive families in which either the child or the

parents opt out of the tense situation: The child prematurely leaves or is

We

kicked out of the home.

gradually

emerge from an

an outgoing,

antisocial, provocative, distancing child into

sensitive, loving

The path has not been the

preconscious

have been able to see our daughter

feelings

young woman.

easy. of

When,

after three years of therapy,

rejection

began

consciousness, she fought this happening as

on

it;

up meant

for allowing those feelings

perceived as her vulnerable,

mothers having given her up.

“defective” If

if

to

her very

emerge life

also having to feel self,

the

into

depended what she

reason for her

she could keep those feelings at bay,

XIV

her integrity could be preserved and she could escape, for a while

Her wound was deep, her defenses

longer, annihilation.

and

strong,

her need for understanding great.

As

own

sought answers to what was going on

I

daughter,

my

adoptive parents,

psyche of

began to expand to other children and

interest

many

in the

of

Subsequent conversations

my

their

whom seemed alienated from one another. with my daughter’s therapist, Dr. Loren

Pedersen, regarding the dearth of information about the effects of adoption, led to in

my

my

The

research.

research by adoptees,

interest

which

ideas

be

will

adoptive parents, and

birthmothers,

bewildered professionals convinced

The

and encouragement shown

me

to write this book.

presented

first

understanding about what was going on for

someone who was adopted almost care,

and who was

truly

As

great deal of pain. families,

I

at birth,

wanted and loved by I

came as

my own

who was us,

intuitive

daughter. For

never

in foster

she seemed to be

began to observe other adoptees and

became more and more convinced

that adoption,

in

a

their

which has

long been considered the best solution to relinquished babies, was not the panacea that to talk about

it

was hoped

what they were

to be. Yet

feeling,

it

was

difficult

to get

anyone

because most people had no idea

what was going on. believed

I

that

something was going on, however, because

I

learned that adoptees were greatly over-represented in psychotherapy.

According to 1985

Ana,

statistics

used by Parenting Resources of Santa

California, although adoptees at that time

population of this country, they represented

found

in

schools.

residential

treatment centers,

more

30-40%

juvenile

They demonstrated a high incidence

sexual promiscuity, and running difficulty in school,

comprised 2-3% of the of the individuals

hall,

and

of juvenile delinquency,

away from home. They have had

both academically and

socially,

than their

non-adopted peers. The adoptees referred for treatment had consistent

symptoms,

which

special

are

provocative, aggressive, and antisocial.

XV

characterized

as

relatively

impulsive,

What causes

high incidence of sociological, academic, and

this

psychological disturbance

imply? I

What

among

predisposes adopted children toward this vulnerability?

sought answers to these questions,

something lacking

seemed too

population which these studies

this

reviewed the

in all the theories

and

simplistic

we have

any case, even though many of the ideas they

left

and observing

in

I

suspected was really scientific data. In

was reading about had

I

a great deal unsaid about that which

my

Was

daughter.

There was a kind of

glossed over,

tended to ignore the exquisite

going on was not easy to prove or even support with

validity,

found

encountered. The explanations

I

perhaps because what

infants, or

literature, but

Too much was being

external.

perhaps because as a society awareness of

I

As

she an exception?

I

I

was

intuiting

didn’t think so.

universality or primal quality to her pain,

which

readily obtainable, or easily acceptable

didn’t lend itself to simple,

explanations.

The adoption movement began about the time was doing my graduate work in clinical psychology. More and more adoptees were I

coming

forth to ask for

birthmothers.

adoptees,

I

some

whom

The

book

is

based.

I

result

triad,

as well as many,

to ascertain

was the master’s

members from

all

many subsequent

what motivated

to

interview

who had

not, to try

and experiences with regard to thesis

have since added the experience

therapist working with

out

set

had searched and others

to discover their thoughts, feelings

being adopted.

to search for their lost

and

opportunity

the

seized of

open records and

I

upon which

this

have gained as a

three sides of the adoption

conversations with adoptees,

their searches into their histories

and

into

themselves.

What is

I

discovered

is

what

I

call

wound a wound which and spiritual, a wound which

the primal

physical, emotional, psychological,

,

causes pain so profound as to have been described as cellular by those

adoptees

who

allowed themselves to go that deeply into their pain.

began to understand

this

wound

as having

I

been caused by the

separation of the child from his biological mother, the connection to

whom

seems

mystical,

mysterious,

implications of this discovery

spiritual

and

everlasting.

and the responses to

XVI

it

will

The

have to

we

inform the way

think about the importance of the mother/child

and what we as a society are

relationship in the future

about

it.

sacrifice,

this

Because the solutions may not be simple, I

only people

are those about

whom

it

who

is

can

really

written: the

they, as they note their responses to

know

ideal,

do

or without

anticipate a great deal of resistance to the ideas set forth in

The

book.

willing to

in their

deepest selves the

judge this work, however,

adoptees themselves. Only

what

is

written here, will really

validity of this

work, the existence or

nonexistence of the primal wound.

I

me

feel very fortunate that the relationship

has been such that she could communicate her

lessons

I

have had to learn on the way have been very painful to me:

have had to face the

fact that

I

neither could

through for

I

away her

take

we were

I

something out of that

am

it

fluid,

with her birthmother.

I

don’t think that

not, but

pain, not the easy,

Although

pain... that

have had to

I

realize that

she would have to work

it

herself.

Are we bonded? if

I

can never take the place of her

birthmother. And, in concert with that,

work

my daughter and pain. Some of the

between

We

I

would be able to write

a bond forged

this

in the fire of sacrifice

and

continuity of bonding she might have

had

is

have both suffered, but

suffering. This

book

doing the writing, without her

the inspiration nor the courage to do

XVI

it.

is I

we want

to create

an attempt to do

that.

would have had neither

PART ONE

The Wound Too often in our approach to the newborn we deal with him as if he is exactly that “ brand new.”

—

We

neglect the fact that the neonate

is

really the

culmination of an amazing experience that has lasted forty weeks. ... By looking at the neonate as

he had

if

“

sprung full-blown from the brain of

Zeus ” we are missing the opportunities that the newborn's history as a fetus can provide.

—T.

T and

BRAZELTON

B.

hat history, to which Brazelton refers, includes the bonding in utero of the mother

child.

Many

doctors and psychologists

understand that bonding doesn’t begin at but cal,

is

now

birth,

a continuum of physiological, psychologi-

and

spiritual

events which begin in utero

and continue throughout the postnatal bonding period.

When

rupted by a

natural evolution

this

postnatal

separation

is

inter-

from the

biological mother, the resultant experience of

abandonment and

upon

loss

is

indelibly

imprinted

the unconscious minds of these children,

causing that which

1

I

call

the “primal wound.”

The Primal Wound

And

how can one

yet,

preverbal, such as a

prove or even support something which

wound

from a trauma

to the psyche resulting

memory? As

about which a person has no conscious

is

a clinician,

can

I

only infer such feelings and experiences with the help of those

adoptees

who

allow themselves to go that far back into their pain.

a biological mother,

can know

I

experience, a knowing which

At the current

state of

is

my own

As

intuition

and

not always observable by anyone

else.

through

it

our understanding, such inferences can neither

be proved nor disproved, only believed or disbelieved.

It

seems

me

to

that

most authors

of

works on the

clinical

aspects

was

initially

an

integral

of adoption, after acknowledging the fact that the child

abandoned by

his biological

mother, then ignore

this as

part of the problems demonstrated by the child. Treatment usually

focuses

on the

between the

relationship

child

and

his adoptive parents

without truly considering the impact which the original trauma might

have on the

I

child and, hence, the family situation.

believe that the impact of the child’s

system

is

trauma upon the family

greatly underestimated by clinicians

the dynamics

is

parents’ issues.

skewed to seem as

Some

if

and that the focus of

the problem resides in the

which are raised by psychologists

of the issues

concerning the adoptive parents have to do with sexual repression, feeling rejected

by the

child,

having an unconscious aversion toward

parenthood, being over-protective, being insecure about the fact that the child

is

their infertility.

same

or being unable to reconcile themselves to

really theirs,

Except for the

last

two,

it

is

acknowledged that these

factors are not restricted to families with

There

is

a great deal to look at

the adoptive parents and

how

in

adopted children.

the histories and psyches of

these things affect their parenting of

the child. Very few adoptive parents seek counseling previous to

adopting, perhaps thinking that having a baby for such work.

Yet there

is

certainly

much work

do prospective adoptive parents need

to

will

obviate the need

to be done.

Not only

examine the impact

infertility

has upon them, but they also need to work through their 2

own

issues

The Wound of

abandonment and

loss in order to

adopted children work through

theirs.

who have

just

and

children already

be able to adequately help their

And

altruistic

want to provide a family

“poor abandoned children,” need to examine expectations

Even

in

more

adoptive parents,

their

for those

motives and

closely.

acknowledging

the adoptive parents, there

all

the issues which

still

seems

to be

may be

present for

something which

is

not

being recognized, an intangible something, which permeates even the best of adoptive relationships. their finding has

been a

among adoptees whether This, to

me, indicates

relationship

which

adopting couple something,” implication.

I

is

is

Donovan and McIntyre pointed out

that there

is

go beyond adoption

is

functional or dysfunctional.”

something

intrinsic in the

unique and inevitable, no matter

to begin with. In

found the adoption

No one

problems

“striking consistency of behavior

the family

spelled

it

my

how

adoptive

stable the

quest for this “intangible

be lacking, except by

literature to

out. Therefore,

it

into the realms of prenatal

became necessary

to

and perinatal psychol-

ogy, bonding, abandonment, and the loss experience.

3

that

CHAPTER

1

Adoption as an Experience The truth is, much of what we have traditionally believed about babies is false. We have misunderstood and underestimated their abilities. They are not simple beings but complex and ageless

—small

creatures with unexpectedly large

thoughts.

— DAVID CHAMBERLAIN

The Amazing Awareness of Babies In his

book, Babies

know more than

to say, “Babies after birth, a

seen

Remember

baby can pick out

—from a

newborn babies have

all

their

,

Dr. Chamberlain goes

on

they are supposed to know. Minutes

his

gallery of photos.

Birth

mother’s face

—which he has never

The newly discovered truth is that senses and make use of them just as .

.

.

the rest of us do. Their cries of pain are authentic. Babies are not unfeeling;

If

it

babies

is

we who have been

remember

right after birth,

which

were connected and world,

was suddenly

birth, is

unfeeling.”

then they also remember what happened

that their mother, the person to

whom

missing.

unaware or

How

does

unfeeling.

and emotional

cal practices

levels. All

experience impact the

this

We

There

the contrary, as Dr. Chamberlain has said. physical

they

they expected to welcome them into the

emotions and senses of a newborn baby? that babies are

whom

is

can no longer assume too

They

much evidence feel

to

on both the

too often, however, neither obstetri-

nor adoption procedures 5

reflect this

new

insight.

The Primal Wound

Some

what we know

of

new

necessarily

isn’t

but,

to

my

knowledge, hasn’t been applied to relinquished children. John Bowlby,

who have

about the behavior of children

in talking

suffered the loss

of a parent through death, described the various responses a baby has

He

to the disappearance of the mother.

claimed that the child’s

behavior reflects an immature attempt at mourning and

product of

bitter

relinquishment of death,

experience.” In

my

a legitimate

opinion, the comparison to

because for the child abandonment

is valid,

is

a kind

not only of the mother, but of part of the Self, that

makes one

core-being or essence of oneself which

In

u is

acknowledging

adoption, there

is

this

loss

and

no way one can

feel

impact on

its

whole.

all

involved in

get around the pain: the pain of

separation and loss for both the child and the birthmother, and the

pain of not understanding or being able to

on the part

loss

make up

for that pain

of the adoptive parents. In our society

we

to admit the absence of absolutes or accept the idea that

we deny solutions, or we

don’t

life is

and like

often

we have

paradoxical. Instead

or ignore problems for which

no

polarize ourselves, both sides ignoring

clear-cut

things obvious to the other side, as in the case of abortion.

we

fails,

If all

else

anesthetize ourselves from our pain by the use of alcohol or

drugs. In the case of adoption,

we may

lectualize, conceptualize,

or externalize

and our

with that pain.

inability to deal

.

deny, ignore, project, .

.

intel-

anything to avoid the pain

The Need for a Permanent Caregiver It

has long been

foster care

of a for

known

that institutions

and temporary or multiple

cannot adequately care for abandoned children. The lack

permanent caregiver deprives the

child of

some

of the requisites

normal psychological development: a continuity of relationship,

emotional nurturing, and stimulation. Attachment

is

more

difficult

bonding impossible. As the number of caregivers increases, the to attach diminishes

and the numbing

more

is

evident.

There

of feelings

and

ability

becomes more and

often a failure to thrive and, in extreme cases,

6

Adoption as an Experience even death. What the child needs,

and the sooner the

seems,

it

a permanent caregiver

is

better.

Adoption, then, has been seen as the best solution to three problems: that of a biological mother discouraged from taking care of her

then relinquished, and that of the

The

who

cannot,

will

infertile

couple

than

ideal.

who

is

who want

would produce a happy solution for everyone. The less

is

child, that of the child

fantasy has been that the joining together of the latter

has often been

not, or

two

reality,

a child. entities

however,

Despite the continuity of relationship

which adoption provides, adopted children experience themselves as unwanted, are unable to

trust

the adoptive relationship as being

permanent, and often demonstrate emotional disturbances and beproblems. And, although these symptoms

havioral

who have had

evident in children

shown

research has

birth.

interesting questions:

Why

is it

so young as a few hours or a few days, cannot

without problems? their adoption?

ference,

if

What about those

Why

in

that a child,

make

who

children

even

the transition

are never told of

does the substitution of parents make a

the adoptive parents provide a

atmosphere

who

that they are also present in those children

some

my

previous multiple caregivers,

were permanently placed at or near This raises

may be more

which a

child

warm,

caring,

dif-

and loving

might grow and develop?

Adoption Issues It

has been noted by some clinicians

that they

adopted tion

in this

loss,

working with adoptees

have essentially the same issues whether they were

at birth or as teenagers.

and

loyalty,

all

in

trust,

These

rejection, guilt

issues center

and shame,

and mastery or power and control and

will

around separa-

identity,

intimacy,

be dealt with

later

book.

Although these issues the adoption triad,

I

will,

may be

for the

present for

most 7

all

members

of

my comments

to

three

part, confine

The Primal Wound

My

the ways in which they manifest for the adoptee.

shown me, however, people

that

who have been

most of these same

work has

issues are present in

placed in incubators or have otherwise been

separated from their mothers at with the original mother. issues

clinical

birth,

even though they were reunited

The consistency

among adoptees and

of the presence of these

“incubator babies” suggests that

it

the

is

experience of feeling abandoned which causes that wound.

External Considerations In looking at

ways

in

issues, there are currently

which to define and deal with these core

two popular modes

One

of thought.

adoptees’ problems stem from external considerations.

A

is

that

change

in

adoption laws and procedures and the unsealing of records are seen as ways to avoid the

shame and

insult

of secrecy.

More open

communication between children and adoptive parents about aspects of adoption has been children adjust.

made

in

It

is

recommended as a means

certainly true that legislative

order to protect the

of helping

changes need to be

rights of adoptees,

civil

all

and

that

an

atmosphere of openness regarding adoption issues within the family improve family dynamics, but neither of these remedies

will

eliminate the primal

will

wound.

Independent, open adoptions have been held out as the hope of the future, because these eliminate the stigma of secrecy and lack of genealogical history and allow the adoptee and birthmother to have

some

kind of contact. This contact

cards,

and

may I

pictures

may be

exchanged between

birth

in the

form of

and adoptive

letters,

families or

include actual visits with their children by the biological relatives.

want

to stress again,

however, that

as the primary caregiver, the child

if

the birthmother

will suffer

is

not acting

the loss of her in that

capacity.

A

relatively

new

suggestion has been that adoption per se be

eliminated altogether and that guardianships be established instead.

8

Adoption as an Experience This would allow the child to keep his

same time

the

give

own name and

heritage

him a permanent home. While

attempt at honesty which

this idea provides,

it

seems

and

at

applaud the

I

me

to

to be a

type of long-term foster care, with the child having no real sense of family at level the

And none of these solutions addresses on question “Why am living in this family and not all.

I

the feeling

with you?”

Nothing can save the child from that primal pain of separation from the

mother, except keeping them together as mother and

first

One woman

told

me

that she

to her birthmother about

whom

for

whom

had intended to write a long she had no conscious

child.

letter

memory

but

she had been thinking about searching. She wanted to

explain

how

her

hand, because she had heard that this would access her right

left

brain

she

felt

about being adopted. She decided to write with

and put her more

touch with her feelings. Taking pen in

in

Mommy, Come and

hand, she wrote: “Dear

get me.” After that, she

me, there seemed to be nothing more to

told

say.

Adoption as a Concept The

other trend in trying to understand and eliminate the problems

connected with adoption

is

to view

them as conceptual. According

to

school of thought, the problems stem from the child’s being told

this

about adoption, the idea of having two mothers, the reason for having

been it

is

relinquished,

and the

feeling this brings

the intellectual knowledge that he

disturbs the child.

One

is

up

for him. In other words,

adopted which confuses and

gets the feeling from reading these ideas that

we don’t say too much about won’t have much effect. The reason we have to tell our children they are adopted is that they might find out anyway. And then, it is adoption

is

only a theory, and that

to be honest.

The

question shifts from

There have been and adoptee should be told of

he

is

if

still

if

that

best

when an

Should he be told as soon as

word? Before? 9

it

when.

are myriad debates about

his adoption.

able to understand the

to

it,

Will telling

a child of

his

The Primal Wound adoptive status during the very early years prolong the resolution of

development?

issues pertaining to those particular stages of personality Is

harmful to

it

a child during those periods

tell

might already be having conflicting feelings about

him as soon as

“Tell

possible, so that

he

thing,”

some

experts recommend. “Adoption

cept,

which the

until

he

On

is

child

and on

it

will is

see

is

it

it

is

as a positive

a complicated conit is

better to wait

being told,” others argue.

goes.

Abandonment and Adoption All

not think that

not going to understand, so

is

comprehend what he

able to

his parents?

will

a bad secret which has been kept from him, but

when he

in his life

as an Experience

ignores one simple but

of this rhetoric

adoptee was there. The

child actually

fact:

critical

experienced being

left

The

alone by

the biological mother and being handed over to strangers. That he

may have been only a few days or a few minutes old makes no difference. He shared a 40-week experience with a person with whom he probably bonded genetically,

historically

people would

like

whom

he

spiritually

little

adoption. Might

biologically,

that

it is

connected, and

some

the telling of the experience

bond which makes him

feel

so bad!

has been noted by parents and clinicians that

demonstrate

is

perhaps even more importantly,

and

him to believe

of the severing of that

It

and,

emotionally,

psychologically,

a person to

in utero,

many adoptees

or no discernible reaction upon being told of their

not be possible this lack of reaction

it

is

a result of

unconscious awareness of the fact of their adoption on the part of

adoptees? Sorosky, Baran, and Pannor, in their book The Adoption Triangle found this to be true, as ,

One adoptee

told

me

I

did in

my

research.

about never feeling as

if

she belonged in

her family, of not being understood. Although not told of her adoption until

she was thirteen,

“Nobody looks

like

me.

it

woman me.” A man spoke

didn’t surprise her.

No one

understood 10

Another

said,

of “a

Adoption as an Experience feeling of not fitting in

and not Knowing why.” Although shocked

age 33 when finding a paper which shocked by the

feel

kept from him until

him and

his parents

adulthood,

had been an unconscious

it

This kind of secret does

whole

having been

between

barrier

told.

to foster trust

little

instead gives an air of unreality

relationship.

fully

throughout his childhood. There was a secret.

There was something that he was not being

It

its

those years. Even though the betrayal did not

all

manifest

his parents.

he did not

told of his adoption,

by the betrayal of

fact itself but

at

between a

and dishonesty

As pointed out by Frances Wickes

The Inner World of Childhood

,

there

child

in

and

to the

her book

a great deal of danger

is

inherent in creating such an atmosphere of deception and mistrust in the

life

of a child. Children are primarily creatures of intuition and

sensation.

they

The world

become aware

through

of objects

of inner forces, both in themselves

book Healing the Hurt Child

warn parents

of trying to “.

chapter they say,

.

.

keep secrets from

we can

—often extremely

detailed

major role in

reflect

and accurate

parent can then be shown

others,

,

Donovan and McIntyre

their children. In

an early

how

an unconscious knowledge

—of the supposed

that unconscious

secret.

The

knowledge plays a

in maintaining the present disastrous situation.”

a following chapter on

and McIntyre

as

and

usually demonstrate easily to the parent

problems

that the child’s behavioral

this

explored through sensation while

intuition.

In their

Yet

is

say,

loss in the lives of children,

“The monolithic approach

to adoption

Donovan

casework

in

country dictates that the child be told about the adoption as early possible.”

statement:

“If

They go on the need

is

to

deride this advice

for knowledge, then

it

by making

this

follows that

one

should inform the nonadopted child of the fact that he

is ‘biological.’

Babies have no need to ‘know’ about adoption.” This extraordinary contradiction shows

just

how widespread

is

the

denial of the experience suffered by adopted children. Babies already

11

The Primal Wound “know” about adoption. knowledge unconscious,

happened

It

their parents deprive

They often

feelings

and puzzled by

own

their

What adoptees need Adoption

abnormal,

feel

to

them

that

of a context in

their preconscious experience

which to place the feelings caused by of that loss.

By keeping

to them.

sick,

or crazy for having those

behavior.

know

is

was

that their experience

real.

a concept to be learned, a theory to be understood, or

isn’t

an idea to be developed.

It

is

a real

life

experience about which

adoptees have had and are continuing to have constant and conflicting feelings,

to the

of which are legitimate. Their feelings are their response

all

most devastating experience they are ever

mother. Just because they do not consciously remember

loss of their it

does not make

it

any

to deal with, because

to describe

about. For

have: the

likely to

less devastating.

many

only

makes

it

more

difficult

happened before they had words with which

it

(preverbal)

it

It

and

of them,

it

is,

is

therefore, almost impossible to talk

even

difficult

to think about. In fact,

came from outer space or a file drawer. To allow themselves the memory of being born, even a feeling sense of it, would mean also having to remember and feel some adoptees say they

what happened

next.

feel as

And

they either

if

that they

most

certainly

do not want

to do.

The Importance of Early Experiences It

is

understandable that adoptees might not want to

this painful experience.

problems,

and

who don’t recognize What happens when adoptees go

But what about clinicians

the importance of that experience? in for therapy,

their therapist considers adoption irrelevant to their

even though

this

was

Psychologists often talk about the

most important years

in

part

first

when ness.

it

in

comes

utero

is

of their early experience?

three years of

life

as being the

emotional development. Our current under-

standing of prenatal psychology has

environment

remember

made many

realize

that the

an important part of a baby’s well-being. Yet,

to adoption, there

seems

to be a black-out in aware-

There seems to be a reluctance to recognize that 12

at the

moment

Adoption as an Experience and the next few days, weeks, or months

of birth

when he

we have That the

How many of

it.

us

—our perceptions,

How many

we

to believe that

if

her future relationships? In the case of abuse,

an

person,

a child

that

is

he

will

the most abusive thing which can

if

young boy

lies in

a hospital bed.

Burns cover 40 percent of

He

his small body.

His mother has set him on

seem it

is

in

mother

to matter

may be

her arms is

to

frightened and in pain.

Someone has doused him fire.

fire.

what kind of mother a

to dwell in her presence.

child has lost, or It

whether she hurts or hugs. Separation from mother being

happen

mother.

cries for his

perilous

on

tells this story:

with alcohol and then, unimaginably, has set him on

how

at last

taken from his mother?

is

A

doesn’t

not affect his or

indeed, a profound lifelong effect

her book Necessary Losses, Judith Viorst

It

and

their ex-

we have now

In

He

attitudes,

which often requires years of therapy to

effect

overcome. Yet, what

is,

first

a person can successfully

keep those experiences from consciousness, they

that there

the

that those

remember

sexually abused children

periences of abuse? Are

mean

not diminish

memory mean

lack of

no impact on us

three years have had

begun to recognize

will

it

remember very much about

Does our

it

this?

does not consciously remember

child

three years of our lives?

the

of a child,

life

What does

this experience.

wanted to ignore

for so long

the impact of

behavior?

the

separated from his mother and handed over to strangers,

is

he could be profoundly affected by that

in

when

the

bombs

doesn’t matter is

worse than

are exploding. Separation from

sometimes worse than being with her when she

is

the

bomb.

I

set

am

not suggesting that

him on

fire,

but

I

am

we keep

a child with a mother

suggesting that

we have

we are doing when we take him away from 13

to

her.

who

will

understand what

The Primal Wound Viorst noted: “There

unless

we

is

a time to separate from our mother. But

are ready to leave her and be

left

—anything

is

better than

separation.” Breaking that connection has a tremendous impact

the lives of both mother and child forever. This

adoptees and their biological mothers than

is

it

is

for

no

on

less true for

anyone

else.

For

these babies and their mothers relinquishment and adoption are not

concepts; they are experiences from which neither

fully

recovers.

The Trauma of Abandonment and Adoption What

the general population considers to be a concept, a social

solution for the care of children

of by their biological parents,

itself.

No

really

is

The

ing experience for the child.

abandonment

who cannot

her baby and no matter what the

had

for relinquishing

him or

will

not be taken care

a two-part, devastating,

first

debilitat-

part of the experience

how much

matter

or

is

the

the mother wanted to keep

altruistic

or intellectual reasons she

her, the child experiences the separation

as abandonment.

The second

part of the experience

Even

to strangers.

if

is

that of being

handed over

the adoptive mother has established a relationship

with the birthmother and aided in the birth of the baby, the baby

recognize her as an impostor, a substitute for the mother with

he spent the

first

nine months of his

will

whom

life.

Dr. Chamberlain, quoted at the beginning of this chapter, and

others in the

field of perinatal

psychology have documented evidence

that babies are not the unaware, simple beings

once supposed. (Mothers, deep

now know

in their hearts,

that they are cognitive beings with a

such as recognizing their

own

which

scientists

always knew

this!)

wide range of

With

all

this in

mind,

it

mother’s face, smell, and energy, feeling

new is

We

abilities,

a wide range of emotions, remembering, learning, and using senses to experience their

had

life

outside the

all five

womb.

easy to deduce that being handed over to a

stranger must be for the baby a bewildering

14

and even

terrifying ex-

Adoption as an Experience

Add

perience.

to that the lack of physical, hormonal, psychological

emotional preparation for the adoptive mother to

be able to mirror

this particular baby,

deal about which very few people

and one can see

seem

Being handed over to someone alone

to being

left

workers

who worked

in

know

to

right

a nursery for days.

and

the needs and

that there

is

a great

have given much thought.

away

preferable, however,

is

learned in talking to social

I

adoption agencies that one of the ways

in

in

which these grieving babies were kept quiet was by administering phenobarbital. Being

and babies scream

with

left

There

now

is

human need

only recently that

we have

who

are premature, initiated,

ill,

it

in

recognized

which volun-

or withdrawing from

has been noted that

much faster and gain more basic human requirement. This

are touched or held recover

weight than babies

who

are denied this

same consideration needs up

is

program was

narcotics. Since this

who

It

a practice called “cuddling,”

teers touch or hold babies

babies

really cares is devastating

their outrage at this denial of the basic

to be held, to be touched. this need.

no one who

to be extended to those babies being given

for adoption.

Birthdays and Birthday Parties

My

daughter told

me

recently that each year the three days

between her birthday and the day we took her home are the three

most

difficult

alone. There

days of her

seems

to be a

an anniversary reaction sends

many adoptees

Many

clinicians

life.

She

feels helpless, hopeless,

memory

built into

(also often felt

into despair

the psyche and

cells,

by the birthmother), which

around

and parents have

empty, and

told

their birthdays.

me

that adoptees often act

out a great deal before or during their birthday parties.

They begin

by having a sense of excitement, but often end up sabotaging the

whole

affair. “I just

know what would get into her,” one mother we would go to a great deal of trouble to have

don’t

lamented. “Every year

a wonderful party, yet she would act angry and resentful.” 15

The Primal Wound Yet parties?

any wonder that many adoptees sabotage

is it

Why

would one want to celebrate the day they were separated

mothers? The adoptees, of course, have probably never

from

their

really

understood, themselves,

don’t

know why

really trying .

I

.

.

I

their birthday

.

.

I

...

I

just felt

couldn’t enjoy myself.

I

they do did.

I

that she really

.

know

don’t

acted the

why way

just

wanted

this.

know

I

me

that

to have a

so sad and angry

wanted

An

to run

all

adoptee

my mother was good

at the

time. But

same

away and

adoptees birthdays commemorate an experience, not of of loss

said, “I

time.

hide.” For

joy, but

one

and sorrow.

Summary Adoption, considered by

many

to be merely a concept,

a traumatic experience for the adoptee.

from

his biological

Most

of his

life

this experience,

or validated.

mother and ends with

his living with strangers.

this

instead,

have been made to

monumental manipulation

or crazy.

It

means

that

feel as

if

about

he should

of his destiny.

Some-

feelings about this traumatic

experience, and having these feelings does not sick,

his feelings

having had no sense that they would be acknowledged

where within him, however, he does have abnormal,

in fact,

begins with the separation

he may have denied or repressed

He may,

be grateful for

It

is,

he

is

mean

that

wounded as a

he

is

result of

having suffered a devastating loss and that his feelings about this are legitimate

and need to be acknowledged, rather than ignored or

challenged.

16

CHAPTER

2

The Connection with It

is

my

the Birthmother we are

thesis that in the earliest phase,

dealing with a very special state of the mother, a psychological condition which deserves a name,

such as Primary Maternal Preoccupation.

mother who develops

state

this

.

.

cies

itself evident,

to start

to

.

.

The

provides a

.

to begin

setting for the infant’s constitution

make

.

to

for the developmental tenden-

unfold.

.

.

.

There

is

something

about the mother of a baby, something which

makes her

particularly suited to the protection of

her infant

in this state

makes her able

to

of vulnerability and which

contribute positively to the

baby’s positive needs.

—DONALD WINNICOTT

Donald Winnicott has done much to contribute to the understanding of the profound connection between mother and child.

has even stated that at the beginning of a baby. There spiritual unit,

life

there

is

He

no such thing as

mother/baby—an emotional, psychological, whose knowing comes from intuition. The baby and the is

instead a

mother, although separated physiologically, are

still

psychologically

one. Needless to say, such an idea has tremendous importance for the infant taken from his mother at or soon after birth.

17

The Primal Wound

The Mysterious Link between Mother and Child “There

a big empty hole inside me, and

is

my

up. That would be

voicing what

birthmother. ”

many adoptees have

who

gave them

The adoptee who

told

are to their adoptive parents, there

is

need to plug

I

No

me:

said this

how

matter

was

close they

a space reserved for the mother

There appears to be more to the

birth.

back

it

biological

connection than curiosity or a need for information.

When will

asked

why

they want to search for birth parents, adoptees

often give a socially acceptable answer, such as wanting health

information or having an interest

more

in

when

genealogy. Yet

asked a

I

which parent would you search,

specific question: “For

if

you

had to make a choice?” the majority answered, “The mother.” The reason has something to do with feeling an unconscious connection with that lost mother which seems profound to them.

When

asked

Valerie

father,

why she would look for her mother instead of her said, “Somehow there is a much more powerful

connection with her.” Jennifer’s response was, “Oh, he was

someone who I

loved her.

She was the one

I

was connected

to.”

just

When

how she happened to see my newspaper ad (asking for my research), she answered, “Oh, always read

asked Barbara

for volunteers

them.

I

I

keep hoping that someday there

asking to meet

someone born on

will

be an ad from a

1955,

July 2,

Perhaps the most poignant testimony about with the lost mother was given by Sandra,

I

is I

think

would be interesting ...

it

that fear of rejection! I'm torn

would search

because

I’ve

father really

for

my

was

artistic.

fascinating.

the mother

bit.

The

But

this

who

need to reconnect

said,

I

father

I

between a rock and a hard place. I

don’t understand why,

would be interesting to

inherited

find out

my

And

artistic ability.

I

if

my

then

think

I

it

know there’s that pull back to much more an intellectual thing, and

don’t is

There

terrifying.

Did he do that for a career?

could see definitely where

would be

it

Omaha, Nebraska.”

same time

at the

mother, though.

always thought

in

woman

.

18

.

.

The Connection with the Birthmother the mother

emotional.

is

very interesting

Mother It

is

.

.

.

Hmmmmm,

I’d

(and she began to

never thought of that

.

cry).

curious that seldom in psychiatric literature, so far as

mother and primary author that

.

Primary Caregiver

vs.

been able to determine,

when

caregiver. Often

have

even pointed out by an

is

it

I

made between

there any differentiation

is

using the term “mother,” he

is

actually referring to

any mother-figure, who acts as the primary caregiver. it

.

other words,

In

implied that the mother could be replaced by another “primary

is

caregiver” with the child’s being

I

don’t believe

it

is

none the

wiser.

possible to sever the

tie

mother and replace her with another primary

how warm,

caring,

and motivated she may

consequences for the

with the biological

be, without psychological

child (and the mother).

An

infant or child

certainly attach to another caregiver, but the quality of that

may

be different from that with the

first

many adoptees have

told

difficult or,

as

no matter

caregiver,

can

attachment

may be

mother, and bonding

me, impossible.

Attachment and Bonding Perhaps

this

would be a good place to

attachment and bonding as ,

I

see

it,

stress the difference

between

because here again are two terms

which are often used interchangeably.

I

believe that

it

would be safe to

say that most adopted children form attachments to their adoptive

mothers. This

is

a kind of emotional dependence, which

crucial to their survival. easily achieved.

at

all

this

levels of

bond

It

may

implies a profound connection, which

human

instills

Bonding, on the other hand,

is

may seem not be so

experienced

awareness. In the earliest stages of an infant’s

life,

the child with a sense of well-being and wholeness

necessary to healthy emotional development. very important beginning of in the fields of obstetrics

life is

now

The

significance of this

being stressed by

many

experts

and psychology. The question as to whether 19

The Primal Wound or not an adoptee

at

is

a disadvantage as a

the earliest

result of missing

imprinting or bonding experience has been raised by

many professionals.

Winnicott, as the above quotation indicates, believed that the biological

mother

specially

is

prepared through that bonding to meet

the needs of the child, which are

communicated through

unobservable to anyone

other phenomena,

intuition

There

else.

and

just

is

a

knowing what the baby needs. Unfortunately, too many mothers do not or cannot (because of work or other distractions) tune in to these

unconscious signals and instead rely upon “experts” to to do. Experts can’t really help, however, because of

knowing how to care

what

for a baby, but

it

tell

them what a matter

isn’t just

this particular

baby needs

at this particular time.

It

seems as

emotionally the

if

programmed

same way

womb. There

may be

a mother

that she

to

biologically,

bond and respond

was

able to

hormonally, and

to her baby at birth in

do when the

fetus

are a series of sensations and events,

was

some

in the

of which

begin in utero, which aid in the postnatal bonding experience: breast-

and

feeding, odors, eye contact, touching,

the heartbeat and voice. That a baby

familiar sounds, such as

knows

its

own mother

at birth

has been proven over and over.

Some

psychologists believe these events to be

which means that

if

they are delayed, as

in

the case of a

separated from his mother, both mother and child grief.

An

adoptive mother

may be

at

stage-specific,

a disadvantage

will

in

newborn

experience

coping with

the affective behavior of her child, for she doesn’t understand the form

or depth of his grief or the limitations placed

The

infant has missed

upon her as

his

mother.

something which cannot be replaced even by

the most motivated of adoptive mothers.

The Broken Bond What

the child has missed

with the person

who

gave

is

the security and serenity of oneness

birth to him,

20

a continuum of bonding from

The Connection with the Birthmother prenatal to postnatal

This

life.

adoptee forever yearns.

it

a profound connection for which the yearning which leaves him often

this

empty, and alone.

feeling hopeless, helpless, tees,

is

It

is

In

working with adop-

apparent that no matter what happens a month, a year, or

is

several years in the future, that period immediately after birth,

the infant has

womb

of the

mother

in

the transition from the warm,

fluid,

It

is

a time

when a baby needs

belief, therefore, that

between the adopted child and narcissistic

is

the whole

essential to his sense

is

wound, which

the severing of that connection

birthmother causes a primal or

his

affects the adoptee's sense of Self

often manifests in a sense of

basic mistrust, anxiety

loss,

depression, emotional and/or behavioral problems, in

a

and wholeness.

of well-being

my

is

order to find the world safe and welcoming instead of

world for the baby, and his connection to her

is

life,

to be in proximity to

confusing, uncaring, and hostile. At that time the mother

It

dark security

to the cold, bright, alien world of postnatal

crucial period.

his

made

when

relationships with significant others.

I

and

and

and

difficulties

further believe that the

awareness, whether conscious or unconscious, that the original separa-

was the

tion

result of

a “choice”

made by

the mother affects the

adoptee’s self-esteem and self-worth.

“J

Want My It is

Mommy

believed by

some

psychologists that children

two or three years can sometimes remember sequent events, but that after age 2

1/2

up to the age

their birth

of

and sub-

or 3 those memories fade, to

be brought up to consciousness only through hypnosis. In any event there have been reports

made

to

me

by adoptive mothers that upon

hearing their toddlers crying at night they have been unable to comfort

them and have been

when she told,

“I

told, “I

want

my mommy.” One mother said

assured her daughter that

want

separated at

my

other

mommy,”

birth.

21

a

“Mommy’s

right here,” she

mommy

whom

from

that

was

she was

The Primal Wound can

I

recall

my own

a similar experience with

She

child.

did not

often cry at night, but the few times that she did, although she didn’t

say anything, she would not that

I

let

me

hold or comfort her.

was not the person who could comfort

mother

said to her son,

under similar

Now know I

A

more insightful circumstances, “You miss her her.

don’t you, Todd?” That kind of acknowledgment of feelings goes a

long In

way toward

most cases,

establishing trust

our ignorance,

in

between adoptive mother and

we

child.

just feel rejected ourselves

and

helpless to comfort a grieving baby.

Birthmother Fantasies Even

if

they have no conscious memories of her,

Some Anna, who was

many adoptees

have fantasies about their birthmothers.

also have fantasies

about birthfathers and

relinquished at age

siblings.

two, talked about having a feeling sense of being in her birthmother ’s

arms, although she couldn’t actually remember her. She has had fantasies about her

and used to

talk to her.

her, yet said that she couldn’t understand

someone

I

She

many

also used to cry for

why she would

cry “for

never knew.”

Diane, another adoptee

who

has had

many

fantasies about her

birthmother, created a second identity for herself in which she gave herself the

name

Jennifer.

She

felt

this

identity to

be

somehow

connected to her birthmother. She said that she could be more herself during the times

when she was

being the Diane of

my

to be a secret, though.

being Jennifer, because

it

was not

adoptive parents’ creation. She (Jennifer) had

My

parents wouldn’t have liked her.” Whether

or not her adoptive parents would have liked “Jennifer”

be known, but

“I

was Diane’s perception

may never

that they would not.

Ralph talked of having “fairy-godmother” fantasies about

his

She was a wonderful mother, who would eventually come claim him. She would intuitively know what he wanted or

birthmother.

back to

needed and would always be good to him. 22

Some men,

in

an attempt

The Connection with the Birthmother to duplicate or recreate the experience of the all-knowing mother, try

who

to turn their wives into mind-reading mothers

The wish

every need.

who

understandable, but in reality the only person

is

might have been able to

make

his part to

can anticipate their

intuit his

those needs

fantasy) the birthmother,

every need without any effort on

known would have been

and then only

for the

(as in

Ralphs

few months of

first

his

life.

Carol said that as a child she had completely repressed any fantasies about her birthmother.

done

Recently, however, she has

some group work concerning her

feelings of having

been given up

for

adoption. During one of the sessions in which she was visualizing her relinquishment, she cried out, “No, don’t give

know how

away.” She said that she doesn’t

me

me

up! Don’t give

accurate the verbalizing

might be, since the experience was preverbal, but the feelings were very powerful.

who was adopted

Joan,

fantasies at

looked

like

first,

age

at

four, admitted to having

but as she got older she forgot what her

and almost ceased thinking about

to think about those things.

growing up.” This valuable defense.

is

It

I

don’t

woman

a

her.

remember

for

whom

“A

first

child is too busy

thinking

denial has

much about

feel

it

been such a

an orphanage

at

age four as well as her

adoptive father’s verbal and sexual abuse. “Strange thing!

no

mother

has protected her from her feelings about her

birthfather’s putting her in

this

some

None

of

bothered me.” She claimed to have had no depression or anxiety, fears,

no

identity conflicts,

very fortunate that

I

and no problems

have no scars

like

in relationships.

you hear people

“I

talking

about.” Yet she did begin to stutter shortly after having been adopted

and those who know her best say

that she

can get only “so close” to

people.

Stephanie didn’t have any fantasies

until

a few years ago,

when

she began to have quite specific images. She said that she had the feeling,

around Thanksgiving and Christmas, that she should be

house with a

lot of

in

a

people. She believed that she should be in a certain

23

The Primal Wound house, which she could visualize, talking to her brothers and

She had very strong

around the holidays. She has, since that

feelings

interview, found her birthmother,

first

who

whom

live

the state in

lives in

still

which Stephanie was bom. She has also found many of

sisters.

Now

home.

within a few miles of her present

some

relatives,

holidays

are, as in her fantasies (memories?), large, joyous, family gatherings!

George, rather than fantasizing about his birthmother, fantasized about having a twin brother. lonely

said that

it

wasn’t just that he was

and needed a phantom playmate, but a

was once another one

whom

from

He

like

me.” One might wonder

he was separated

was going

he has a twin

if

at birth.

who

Barbara was another adoptee

daydreamed about having a

real feeling that “there

sister

whom

she called Anna. This

sister

She

to rescue her (although from what, she couldn’t say).

and her neighbor would endlessly play a game which they Princess and the Slave Girl.” Barbara

was a damsel

to be rescued. “I’m being tortured or in prison

rescue me,” usually her “sister.” Of the

wasn’t so

much a

fairy tale as kind

something was being worked out with

my

“The

in distress waiting

I

game she She

felt.”

said, “It felt

that

game.

this

feeling of needing to be rescued

quite frequently in

how

of

called

and someone has to

come and

The

She

fantasized about a sibling.

a theme which comes up

is

conversations with adoptees.

Ken

said that

he

come and

always had the feeling that someday someone was going to

rescue him from his situation, although he didn’t consider his situation to be very bad.

It

later

seemed

to

him

that

it

—

from anxiety early

that his birthmother could

fantasies

someone

taking

was a wish

do

that.

to be relieved

Even though

about his birthmother were positive,

him away from

the

his adoptive family filled

idea

his

of

him with

another kind of anxiety.

Not

all

fantasies about the

mother are

positive. Debbie’s fantasy

was

that her birthmother “is hard pressed for a better

me.

My

birthfather

is

wealthy and kind and finds

24

life

me and

and leaves pays

all

my

The Connection with the Birthmother

One day, while riding on rapid transit, she said that she “freaked when a companion pointed out another woman who looked like

bills.”

out”

her and said, “She could be your mother.” Debbie

moved

felt

panicky and

to another car of the train.

Carrie,

who

had negative

did not fantasize until she

feelings about her mother.

mother wouldn’t want to see

up the phone without intruder.

She has

began to search, has also

She had been

afraid that her

would hang

her, wouldn’t care about her,

talking to her,

and would consider her an

since located her birth family

and has met everyone

except her mother. Everyone has been very accepting of her. But the

one person who

really

counts doesn’t want to see her. Although the

fear of a second rejection by the birthmother

searching adoptees, Carrie feels as in

if

common among

is

there might have been something

her mother’s attitude while pregnant with her that

that she wouldn’t be

made

her think

welcome. Regardless of whether or not the

rejection took place before or after birth, being rejected for the

time

is

initial

second

devastating for the adoptee.

The Difference Between Understanding and Feeling Many people

believe that carefully explaining to the adoptee the

reasons for his relinquishment It

to

is

the pain of that experience.

certainly understandable that a birthmother

know

will

will alleviate

her reasons for surrendering. Yet

feel rejected

!

would want her

maintain that the child

An example from my One night my daughter,

and abandoned nevertheless.

own experience will help to make this clear: who was 14 at the time, was talking to me about her birthmother. She said,

Mom, is

but

why

“I

doesn’t that

the 14-year-old

girl

who

her feelings toward

understand that she had to give

make me

feel

any better?”

the loss of a mother

baby

did

it;

who

replied,

up, “It

who

simply feels

never came back.” The baby doesn’t care

the baby just feels abandoned.

lives inside

I

me

understands the reasons for her relinquish-

ment, but the feelings are those of a newborn baby

why she

child

each and every adoptee 25

And

all his

that

or her

abandoned life.

The Primal Wound

Confusion Between Love and Abandonment Although understanding the reasons for certain experiences is

and sometimes even

interesting

babies.

anger after

The

helpful,

in life

reasons are for adults, not

have heard of adoptive mothers who, when a child expresses

I

“Oh, you shouldn’t

at the birthmother, will say,

way;

feel that

she loved you and did what she thought was best for you.”

all,

idea that the birthmother loved the baby so

him away

a non sequitur so

is

equation here: love

far

as the child

is

= abandonment. This may

much

that she gave

concerned. There

is

an

contribute to the fear of

connecting to the adoptive mother, since allowing oneself to love and

be loved This

may is

be associated with subsequently being abandoned.

not to say that explanations should not be given

adoptive parents have that information. all

The adoptee has

the

the right to

available information about himself. Questions about the relinquish-

ment, however, are tricky for adoptive parents to handle.

hand they want to

if

do her best

to impart to the child that his birthmother for him, while at the

to fear another

when

it

comes

On

the one

was

trying

same time they don’t want him

abandonment. Adoptive parents are often guessing

to others’ motives,

and they would probably do better

by being honest about their lack of information concerning the

And even

relinquishment. relinquished,

it

if

they do

know why

the birthmother

would be presumptuous to believe that

this

information

would take away the pain of having been given up. Thinking and feeling are

two

different things.

Both are important and need to be

acknowledged, respected, and honored.

Summary The connection between a

child

to be primal, mystical, mysterious,

and

his biological

and

everlasting.

mother appears

It

can no longer

be assumed that one can replace the biological mother with another “primary caregiver” without the child’s being both aware of the substitution

and traumatized by

it.

The mother/infant bond 26

takes

many

The Connection with the Birthmother forms and the communication between them stinctual,

and

intuitive.

To

those researchers

what they can observe,

this

may

understood by mothers, however, to that mysterious.

increasing

The

is

unconscious,

who want

not seem very

whom

significance of that

it

in-

to believe only scientific.

It

is

does not seem to be

all

bond

is

confirmed by the

numbers of adoptees and birthmothers who are out there

searching for one another.

Although the idea of searching to reconnect with the biological

mother

is filled

pathological.

It

with conflict and anxiety,

it

should not be regarded as

should, in fact, be regarded as healthy.

We

all

need

the biological, historical, emotional, and existential connection which is

denied so

many

adoptees. For them, searching might be seen as

an attempt to heal the primal wound about which there are no conscious thoughts, only feelings and somatic memories

aching sense of

loss.

27

—and

an

CHAPTER

3

The Loss of the Mother and The Sense of Self The

biological birth of the

human

infant

and the

psychological birth of the individual are not coin-

The former

cident in time.

a dramatic, observ-

is

and well-circumscribed

able,

event;

the latter a

slowly unfolding intrapsychic process.

—MAHLER,

What

PINE,

is it

& BERGMAN

which causes such a devastating wound to the psyches

of children separated from their biological mothers? Mahler, Pine,

and

Bergman, quoted above, subscribe to the idea

and

psychological birth

months cally

that physical birth

do not happen simultaneously and

after physical birth takes place, the infant

that for several

remains psychologi-

merged with the mother.

The phenomenon

of physical birth can

be readily observed and

documented. The “slowly unfolding intrapsychic process” of psychological birth,

on

the other hand, proceeds largely unnoticed by

anyone other than the mother and he matures

in

the

first

year of

life,

child themselves.

The

infant, as

gradually begins to experience

himself as being separate from his mother, rather than as an extension of her.

The mother,

then,

becomes a

love object for the child, the

source of his security and of the satisfaction of his needs.

The

significance of this process to the child’s feeling of well-being should alert

us to the havoc which

may be wrought

should this

tie

prematurely severed and the continuum of bonding interrupted.

28

be

The Loss of the Mother and The Sense of Self

Dual Unity with the Mother

Neumann

Eric

human

expresses a similar idea and reminds us that the

child requires a period of a year after birth,

which he

the

calls

“extra-uterine embryonic phase,” to attain the degree of maturity that

young

characterizes the

time, though the physical

of the

infant

psychologically

most other mammals

of

body

at birth.

During

this

already born, the Self or core-being

is

is

not yet separate from that of the mother but

is

contained within her. The nature of the relationship

between mother and

child

is

characterized, not by subject

and

object,

but by a kind of fluidity of being, of mother/child/world transcending

both time and space. The mother provides a container for the child’s developing ego,

just

as she had previously provided the container for

his developing physical body.

in

Both Mahler and Neumann describe

this relationship as dual unity

which the mother not only acts as the

child's Self, but actually is that

Self.

An

mother

uninterrupted continuum of being within the matrix of the

is

necessary in order for the infant to experience a rightness or

wholeness of process.

The

because

it

A

Break

from which to begin

self

continuity

may

in

set the

the

and

quality of this primal relationship

tone for

is

not the only case where the

is

Babies separated during

interrupted.

premature infants

disasters,

who

are placed in in-

and even babies who are the victims of modern

practices (where mothers are kept in

the

crucial,

Continuum of Bonding

psychobiological continuum

cubators,

is

subsequent relationships.

all

Relinquishment and adoption

war and other

his separation or individuation

babies in another)

may

one room of the from

suffer

this

obstetrical

hospital

interruption

and

of the

continuum of primal relationship to the mother. Being returned to the biological

to

mother may be

someone

better for the child than being

else, but there

of the goodness

still

may be

and rightness of

his

29

a lack of

handed over

trust in the continuity

environment and of himself.

The Primal Wound

One might

metaphorically think of the discontinuity of the

mother/child unit as the breaking of a plate.

then glues

one breaks a

assume

parts. Let us

now

is

There may always be a that separation

that this glue symbolizes a tenuous

bond

whole

plate.

feeling that the plate

back together, but the other

fitting.”

can again be broken,

can reoccur.

In the case of adoption, not only

will

“fit”

glue separating the

that cannot be trusted as being as strong as the original

pieces

plate

back together, although there should be a good

it

because the same pieces are used, there

two

If

not quite

Not only

does the plate have to be glued

half of the plate

together. There

fit

is

different,

so that the

always a feeling of “not

is

there less trust in the strength of the bonding, the

is

made even more tenuous by the poor fit between the two pieces. Some pieces may fit better than others, but only the original is that other half. For the child who has experienced glue, but that

bonding

is

these “breaks” in the continuity of bonding, his trust in the environ-

ment has been shaken and Something

same

is

his sense of Self

broken; something

is

has been compromised.

missing, and

it

will

never be the

again.

Premature Ego Development In addressing the

sense of

Neumann. Stern does not

those of Mahler and of infant begins

life

Daniel Stern’s ideas differ from

Self,

merged with the mother, but

has a sense of

this

believe that the

that he

is

separate and

separateness right from the beginning.

He

maintains that to be merged implies a previous separation, and while semantically Stern

may be

ideal conditions, the infant

matrix (perhaps not yet

whole environment,

his

correct, is

I

agree with Mahler that, under

psychologically

emerged

,

still

part of the maternal

rather than merged.)

whole world.

If

for

some reason

She

is

his

the mother

cannot be counted on to be the “whole environment” for the

infant,

he begins to take over that function from her. Rather than a gradual, well-timed developmental process, the child

30

is

forced by this wrenching

The Loss of the Mother and The Sense of Self experience of premature separation to be a separate being, to form

phenomenon

a separate ego before he should have to do so. This

often referred to as “premature ego development” and

considered to be pathological. This

may

provide

because adoptees often find the world

hostile,

premature ego development

this aspect of

them from

saves

Although

is

ment may become unnecessary when the adoptive parents, he does not perceive protector

may

manence

of the caregiver,

this

go as

felt

child

placed with the

is

His experience

this.

many adoptees never

far

feel as

self-sufficient in

I

will

up

life.

if

they can

Their feelings

—and probably

in

my

crib

and

said to myself,

“It

farther.

was as

if

I

can’t trust anyone.

‘I

have to take care of myself.’”

we may

far as

our considerations are concerned,

is

that

too readily accept this premature ego development as proof

that the child this is true,

He

that the

back as they can remember

The danger, so

from

is

trusting the per-

Paula, in trying to put words to these feelings, said, figuratively sat

as that which

premature ego develop-

any time disappear. Rather than

count on anyone; they have to be

about

often

It

annihilation.

this “survival- value” aspect of

at

sometimes

is

not to say that there might not

is

be some advantages to premature ego development. survival value. Indeed,

is

is

adjusting well to his environment. Although in a sense

we have

to

keep

in

mind

that in having

been separated

mother, the child has found the environment to be

his

should not have had to

make

this

hostile.

adjustment at so young an age,

but should have been allowed to bask for a while longer in paradise.

Whereas

labeling

extreme,

we

in the

may be

premature ego development as pathological

should not ignore the importance of timing and sequence

developmental processes. For

accelerated maturation process

is

this reason,

I

believe that

inappropriate at this particular stage

of development, with consequences which

I

shall

enumerate

later.

There are other reasons to support the concept that a developing a sense of Self believe,

and that the dual

an

child’s

more gradual than Stern would have us unity with the mother might be the more is

31

The Primal Wound natural

and desired

state.

One

my own

reason comes from

experience

as a mother. Having given birth as well as having adopted, that there are infant

many

which are

to the mother/child

and unobservable, yet

real

and

It is

Neumann

has

called the “participation mystique.”

when a

life,

tion takes place

During

non-verbal, intuitive,

between mother and

this

beginning phase in the

and unconscious communica-

child,

is it

not possible that the

mother may be irreplaceable by anyone

biological

significant

bond and the communication between them.

the kind of unconscious, instinctive relationship which

baby’s

know

happen between mother and

things which

intuitive

I

She may

else?

be,

as Winnicott and others have described, uniquely prepared for this role.

The second reason between mother and

They

me

tell

pain”

child

believing in the early “dual unity”

comes from the testimony

that they feel as

phenomenon

missing, a

my

for

if

part of themselves (or their Selves)

within the matrix of the mother, he

the loss of Self. However,

if

a child

is

indeed, Stern

Self right

from

birth,

is

right that

perhaps

injured in the separation

of the Self” child

free of the threat of

may

feel

incomplete.

Ideal State of the Self

If,

is

is

ego remains

child’s

separated from her before

gaining a sense of Self separate from her, he

The

is

they sometimes describe as “phantom limb

—a sense of something missing. So long as a

embedded

of adoptees.

and how might

which

reflects

which a

child

it is

infants

have a separate sense of

the “ideal state of the Self” which

from the mother. What it

responds to the world?

this ideal state is

all

relate to the It

is

way

thought by

in

is this

“ideal state

which a relinquished

many

psychologists that

a feeling of rightness, well-being, and wholeness,

a harmonious atmosphere of safety and security from

can develop a strong sense of self-esteem.

It

is

of primary narcissism considered appropriate to this stage of

opposites of this state are the feelings of anxiety, loneliness.

One

source of these feelings

32

is

a state

life.

sorrow,

The and

the separation of an infant

The Loss of the Mother and The Sense of Self from

mother. These are the feelings most often described by those

his

who have

adoptees

Once

at last

ceased to deny or repress their feelings.

these feelings surface, there

is

often an accompanying urge

to search for the birthmother as a source of relief from that pain.

There

a yearning to return to that state of well-being which

is

embedded

in the emotional, cellular, and,

of adoptees.

The

with her, then,

tie is

perhaps, spiritual

mother and the apparent need

to the

not only a longing to find the

lies

memory

to reconnect

but a

lost object,

longing to find the lost Self.

The Search for the Self The search

for Self

that their “baby sour’ original mother.

is

a mission for

was

believe

upon the separation from the

annihilated

The search

many adoptees who seems to be

for Self, therefore,

intimately

connected to the search for the birthmother. “Trying to find

mother put

it.

is

connected to trying to find

Paul described

it

way:

this

my

“I feel

how Erica if never know who a genetic thing. It’s who

sense of as

am until find her (birthmother). It isn’t just I am — more like the soul, my real self.” Janet I

to

do with finding out about myself, and

trying to explain to myself

Gerald said, “Even though adopted,

I

have always

I

was an

felt

if

have to

incomplete, as

said, “It

has something

want to know why.”

I

I

if

found out that

have to do something!”

mother

will

I

something got that.

I

make me more complete,

try

I

I

—or maybe even before

my

it.

I’ll

adult before

finding

real

self,” is

has something to do with

what happened.

between the hospital and home

know

it

my

was lost

don’t but

I

The False Self Perhaps the strength of

this

primal relationship has been underes-

many children make to the what we want to believe, and

timated because of the apparent adjustment

new environment. As adults we believe we want to believe that a child who 33

is

not causing any trouble

is

The Primal Wound well-adjusted.

important that parents not be

It is

this child suffers

no pain

—

that

“my

Adjustment often means shutting

What

is

the false

I’ve treated,

most of

child

down

is

whom

not having those problems.”

—creating a

and how does

self

lulled into believing that

it

“false self.”

Many adoptees

manifest?

did not act out in childhood,

speak of

having a sense that the baby they were died, and that the one that

become was going

they “decided” to

to have to be different, to be

he would not once again be abandoned. They became

better, so that

people pleasers, constantly seeking approval. As children, they were very cooperative, polite, charming, and generally good. But locked inside will

them

pain and the fear that the unacceptable baby

is

come back

to

they are not

life if

vigilant.

who

They can never

bond with anyone, because they are not being themselves. They an

inability to

show how they

“died” truly

relate

about things, especially the so-called

feel

negative feelings of anger, hostility, disappointment, or sorrow. With the compliant adoptee, the problem

than what

is.

recognize as

it

is

often seen as a

no opportunities

child being given

false self,

what

isn’t

happening, rather

The tendency toward a false self is important to a defensive coping mechanism and deserves further

investigation, because

Even with

is

all

good adjustment with the

to truly be himself.

energy-consuming work of creating a “good”

this

most adoptees perceive themselves to be not only or “bad.” Beth

ideal, but defective

who

is

in fact

less

than

charming, beautiful,

and very

talented, describes herself as a “rotten,

person.”

Although most adoptees are not so vehement

crummy, unworthy their

in

denunciations of themselves, they nevertheless often voice apprehen-

anyone to see the

sion about allowing

As Not

Patty put

letting

was always Janice,

it,

people

“I

“real”

don’t want people to

know keeps me more

person beneath the mask.

know how

in control.”

secretive about his feelings, believing

who

of people in

them

insecure

I

feel.

Jed said that he to be dangerous.

much easier for her to address huge crowds an impersonal manner than to have a one-on-one, in-depth says that

it

is

conversation with someone,

knows

that people see her as a competent,

34

The Loss of the Mother and The Sense of Self worthwhile person. She doesn’t

however. She

feel like that inside,

feels

very insecure and distrusts others’ motives.

She

Victoria uses her false self to protect herself.

always sure against what, except rejection.” Danielle don’t

know how

insecure

feel,

I

then they wouldn’t

.

said, .

“I’m not

said,

people

“If

couldn’t get a

.

some of the false self is necessary. be.” To others he knows that he

reaction from me.” Richard offered that

“Some seems

of that’s discipline.

has to

It

charge of himself, but inside he

in

wreck.”

feels “a

\

Virginia gave a similar example:

and s6xtra verted, yet she

dramatic,

Sometimes she She

inside.

seems

be

who

afraid that others

is

believes that she

taking place.

It

Many people

She

am.

and lonely

small

can see what

changing, however

going on

really

is

—that

inside.

healing

is

said,

that I’ve always I

is

feels

see her as dynamic,

I've

been who

changed a

lot in

am, but

I

the

last

I

am

just starting to

seven years, but

I

don't

1 •

think I’ve really changed; I’ve just is

it is

true that

to the world,

exaggerated; there inside self

daughter “If

most people have a

seems

it

more

is

and the outside

when

someone

A

changing

persona which they

that the false self of the

adoptee

of a feeling of discrepancy self.

is

more

between the

Perhaps an observation from

my

she was 14 years old encapsulates the general feeling:

if

you

let

someone know who you

they reject you, that’s rea//y rejection!”

method

social

rejects the outside you, that’s not so bad,

really you; but

selves

myself.

a becoming.

While

show

become more

The

because

it

really are inside

false self is the

isn’t

and

adoptees’

of adjusting to their environment in order to protect them-

from further abandonment and

Rejection

rejection.

and Basic Trust

Yet even the

false self

cannot ward

the loss of basic trust which ensues.

35

off the feeling of rejection

The sense

and

of rejection caused by

The Primal Wound

may have

the original separation

ment

of the child, as has previously

suggests that besides the usual

abandoned

child

He

continuity of nurturing his entrance into the

The takes

feeling that

its toll.

and

is

demands made upon the ego, the

is

for the

wound

by the loss

left

denied the primal relationship, the

he makes

security experienced in utero, as

new and life

on the ego develop-

been suggested. Florence Clothier

must also compensate

of the biological mother.

is

untold effects

womb.

alien world outside the

unsafe and that he must be “on guard”

Part of that which might be sacrificed in ego development

a sense of spontaneity and carefree abandon,

may be

which

associated with the early trauma of the disappearance of the mother.

The

loss of the

first

milestone in the healthy development of a

ability

mother disallows the achievement of basic

to be spontaneous, to enjoy

mother

life,

be there to keep the child

will

among adopted

my

Part of

is

human

rooted

safe.

the

trust,

being.

The the

in trust that

common

(Impulsivity,

children, should not be mistaken for spontaneity.)

belief that the

loss of basic trust

and subsequent

behaviors are a result of prolonged separation from the mother

based on studies of children placed in incubators at

Maduro

study by Renaldo

is

a case

in

point.

birth.

Maduro

One

is

such

an

studied

who had been in an incubator for several weeks following premature birth, and who thus felt abandoned by her mother.

identical twin

her

Although she was eventually reunited with her mother, she had her sense of basic there, but in her

of

what Maduro

trust,

own

It

(her

basic goodness.

called her

adoptees have told •

not only in the

me

reliability

Many

mother to be

of the

of the coping

mechanisms

“baby mind” were identical to what

they experience.

He

described

lost

it

this

many

way:

baby mind) would react with bodily feelings to mental

pain.

•

It

would

substitute things for people, especially

offered comfort, safety,

and

reliability.

36

when they

The Loss of the Mother and The Sense of Self •

It

would not depend on anyone

the “feeder" could go

else in a close

way, because

away or change suddenly. This

includes

the perfectionist need to do everything by herself without help

from others. •

It

would

feel

emptiness inside with

depletion,

narcissistic

intense longing. This state leads to severe distress and to

harmful interference with a basic loving investment of one’s

own body image and •

It

would

feel in

the development of object relations.

touch always with a conscious deep sadness

but not necessarily depression, since in infancy the oppor-

mother imago experience did not

tunity to consolidate the

occur. In a sense there will never be a replacement for the

mother

lost

•

It

.

.

.

would be prone to

paranoid-schizoid

utilize

defense, because closeness

damage and •

It

is

mechanisms

imagined to include mutual

destruction.

would turn away from

life

with an attitude of sour grapes,

derived from strong oral envy, or to detach and turn

apathy.

.

.

.

of

After protest

came

and

despair,

away

in

after despair

came detachment. •

It

would use depression as an

form of anger

it

can be used

control another, but at one’s

•

It

attack. Since depression skillfully

.

.

.

in the

and

a

and

to inspire guilt

own expense

would fear her own destructiveness

is

end.

(feel)

intense

blameworthiness. This

last

feeling as

if

point might be what

own

of the

meant when adoptees

they were responsible for what happened to them.

be connected, not only to the their

is

sense of goodness

loss of the

—

refer to It

might

mother, but to the loss of

their sense of Self or the “ideal state

self.’’

37

The Primal Wound

Summary The of the

integrity of the Self

ego and

its ability

goodness of the

Self,

is

necessary to the healthy development

to relate to others.

or to what

some

results in that

injury to the basic

authors refer as the “ideal state

and sequence

of the self,” interferes with the timing

development and

Any

which

I

call

of healthy

ego

the “primal wound.”

This wound, occurring before an infant has begun to separate

own

identity

from that

of

its

mother,

may

result in

its

a feeling that part

has disappeared, leaving the infant with a feeling of

of oneself

incompleteness or lack of wholeness. That incompleteness

is

often

experienced, not only in the genealogical sense of being cut off from

one’s roots, but

in

a

felt

sense of bodily incompleteness.

For the child relinquished at the primal phase of development,

when is

the mother not only plays the role of the child’s Self but actually

that Self,

we may be

dealing not only with the loss of the “primary

love object,” but with the loss of part of the Self. At that primal stage,

the child’s inability to

mourn

need to guard against further If

the false

the child

is

self

the loss of mother or of Self and his

may

loss

cause him to adopt a false

self.

takes the form of an acquiescent, compliant child,

seen as being well-adjusted and not suffering any

psychological pain. Others, however, in an attempt to demonstrate their pain

end up

and

in

test the

commitment

psychiatric treatment,

of their parents, act out

group homes, or

operating from the true Self, but from a false

sense of

loss.

38

self

jail.

and may

Neither

is

and from a profound

CHAPTER 4 Loss and the Mourning Process u

word mourning means to remember ” and stems from the same root as memory. In mourning we are held in the memory of what has been lost or abandoned until we have found a replacement for it. Mourning occurs whether we have ever experienced actual death or not. Mourning and depression are the other names of abandonment. Etymologically,

the

—GILDA FRANTZ

The Need The

to

Mourn

infants

memory

of the biological

mother has not been under-

stood by most social workers or adoptive parents.

Little

about the consequences which might ensue as a separation from the biological mother.

It

has been written

result of the original

has been assumed that any

deprivation which might have occurred could be

overcome by the adoptive

Many adoptive parents are still operating from the same ignorance that we did when we adopted our daughter: “What does a tiny parents.

baby know?” That an adopted addressed in the

amount

to the

literature.

same

thing,

mother may be imprinted cannot communicate she

fails

grief.

The

to

this

comprehend

child

Yet for a

child,

absence and death

loss of the original

psyche and

Although the baby

in his

it is

cells.

to the adoptive

best to

assume

mother

that

he

(or

is in

if

a

he does, state of

His need to attach should not cloud one’s understanding of

loss is real

may

and the memory of the

memory it),

would grieve has not been adequately

and the need

for

mourning 39

acute.

this.

The Primal Wound

The Unacknowledged Attempt The

to Grieve

may

experience of the loss of the biological mother

child’s

be the precipitating factor which disposes adoptees to emotional disturbance. In the relationship it

between mother and

infant, after

the mother’s role to prevent the occurrence of traumatic events

is

which might hinder normal psychological development. The mother’s

may

set the stage for the child’s future failures to

successfully integrate events pertaining to separation

few adoptive parents

do nothing

realize that their

baby

much

of that

loss.

experiencing

is

which constitutes pathology

children, such as depression, anxiety,

and oppositional

be interpreted as an attempt to deal with that For those children adopted during the

whose conscious memories do not

any case, the

inability of

first

loss,

it.

in

Yet

they it

is

adopted

disorder, could

two or three years

may be

of the child to fantasize about his birthmother,

initial

of

separation,

greatly hindered. In

the baby to deal with his

loss,

the tendency

and the compulsion

adult adoptees to reconnect with the biological

normal responses to the severing of that

Because

loss.

include that

the ability to deal with subsequent losses

many

and

to acknowledge that loss or empathize with

possible that

for

birth-

failure to prevent, and, in fact, inadvertently to cause, this

traumatic state

life,

all,

mother are

connection and should

first

not be seen as pathological.

The Stages of Grief The

severing of that connection initiates a grieving process for

both mother and

child.

Babies

demonstrate several stages of in adults

but are

of protest to

some

more

difficult

and an urgent

social

workers

who

are separated from their mothers

grief,

which correspond to those seen

to discern.

effort to

The

recover the

who worked

at

initial

lost

response

is

one

mother. According

adoption agencies, this

is

the

stage at which babies have been administered phenobarbital in order to quiet the anguish

and rage as they cry for 40

their missing mothers.

Loss and the Mourning Process Next comes despair. Although there

is still

a longing for the

lost

mother, the hope of being reunited with her diminishes. The child stops

becomes withdrawn, depressed, and detached.

crying and, instead, after the

the child

loss,

mother-figure, he will

will

eventually attach to her.

puts

loss,

whom

to

There

will

it

this

he can

is still

make

mother. John Bowlby,

first

and

put into the consistent care of another

is

be aloof and distant with her for some time, but

the attachment the child the

If,

a difference, however, between

to the adoptive

monumental

in his

way: “Provided there

relate

mother and

is

one

and who mothers him

trilogy

that with

on separation

particular mother-figure

lovingly

he

will in

time

take to her and treat her almost as though she were his mother. ” That

“almost”

as

if

is

the feeling expressed by

some

adoptive mothers,

who

feel

they had accepted the infant as their child, but that the child had

not accepted them as mother. The aloofness or lack of response to affection

is

often

felt

by the mother as rejection, yet

an important defensive process is

it

is

the result of

the child as a part of mourning.

in

defending against vulnerability and further

He

loss.

Defending Against Further Loss This response was demonstrated by Janice,

undergo regressive hypnosis adoption.

The

in

although she saw her relationship

results surprised her, for,

until

doing

this

that as

an

infant she did not

want anything to

do with her adoptive mother, but instead wanted to be

was corroborated by her mother’s memories corresponds to

when of

I

first

held her for the

detachment

It

my in

it

meeting with first

time. (She

my

left

alone. This

of their meeting.

It

also

daughter, where she cried

had not yet reached the stage

her grieving process, but was

still

protesting.)

had never occurred to Janice that her adoptive mother needed

to feel accepted by her

yet

experiment she

may have played in making the relationship

never considered the part she

She discovered

volunteered to

order to reexperience her birth and

with her adoptive mother as negative,

difficult.

who

seemed

to

fit

and

with her

that she

own

may

feelings

41

have, instead,

felt

rejected;

and with what her mother

The Primal Wound had

told her. This

any

differently (after

is

not to say that as a baby Janice could have acted all,

she was being handed over to a stranger and

her behavior was appropriate to the confusing and even terrifying

experience

must have been for

it

though, that adoptees

may

her).

interesting to consider,

is

It

not realize the impact that they had on

their adoptive parents at the beginning of their lives.

It

might be helpful

for the parents to understand the reasons for their feelings of being

rejected in order to respond sensitively to the child.

Those mothers

whose babies have already become detached probably that they are being experienced as the

Even

after the child

will

not notice

wrong mother.

new mother, the and those who have

has become attached to the

experience which happens to adopted children

suffered the loss of a parent through death appears to be similar:

There

is

death or desertion. This is

loss,

the loss of another parent either by

may be

manifested as separation anxiety, but

a fear of further

An example of this was named Anthony, who says that he reacts

often mistaken for a strong attachment.

expressed by an adoptee

very poorly to long-term separations and always to

camp was

that they

terrible

way

of “getting rid" of him.

whose

see people off

father died

when he was

who

if

they

mean

loss.

He

to

“my

is

doesn’t go to airports to

anything to him.

says that she has

more

“I

hate goodbyes!”

with long-term separa-

difficulty

three-week separations from her husband.

seem

afraid

seven, says that he has a

tions than with death, has gotten “physically

missing

He was

adopted children.

time with separation and

Melinda,

that being sent

would not be there when he returned. Separation anxiety

common among Joe,

parents

his

felt

and mentally

She

attributes

sick” at this

to

best friend to talk with,” but such a severe reaction would

go deeper than

that.

Psychosomatic Response Although

to

Loss in the interviews,

many

adoptees spontaneously mentioned having some kind of chronic

illness

I

did not specifically ask about

42

it

Loss and the Mourning Process as children, which often persisted into adulthood.

The symptoms

mentioned included stomach aches, chronic headaches or migraines,

immune

deficiencies,

eczema or

who suffered from allergies, developed an allergic something new each time he began to find relief with

reaction to

allergies or

hives, tics,

asthma, chronic fatigue,

and

stuttering.

Bill,

antigens.

Joanne had chronic diarrhea

began therapy. This was

until

the use of

age twenty, when she

similar to the experience of Valerie,

who had

been troubled by asthma and stomach aches, and who also found

relief

during the course of therapy.

Stephanie had stomach aches and headaches as a child and also suffered

from severe homesickness. The symptoms would be worst

when she was away from her mother. She would become panicky and get “that horrible feeling in your stomach,” even from short separations

from her mother. She

called her

mother several times while on

her honeymoon, yet she wasn’t really able to talk with her

was with

when she

her.

The most-reported chronic somatic or aches. This

makes sense when one

physical disorder

realizes the close association

and emotional

gastrointestinal functioning

was stomach

states.

between

These relationships

have been noticed throughout history and are reflected

in the

folk

language by expressions such as “not being able to stomach” something, noting that

some

situation

situation. All of these

“makes

me

sick,” or

being “fed up” with a

may be seen as a result of anxiety, an may be caused by the unconscious fear of

responses

anxiety which, for adoptees,

another abandonment and the deprivation of food or nurturing.

If

a person

reacts with fear

is

conscious of the nature of a dangerous situation, he

and

his gastric activity shuts

the danger by either fighting or fleeing. But

if

down. He can respond to a person,

like

the adoptee,

memory of the source of that fear (the fear donment), he may experience that fear as free-floating anxiety has no conscious

gastric activity

works overtime. The

resulting pain or illness

43

is

of abanin

which

different

The Primal Wound from hypochondria,

which the symptoms are imagined. These

in

nesses are real but the cause ,

ill-

psychological, rather than organic.

is

my research, adoptees who acted out had fewer physical symptoms those who were compliant. This makes sense, since neurotic be-

In

than

havior seems to relieve the need for a somatic response. Anxiety

as evidence of the lack of serious psychological disintegration. conflict continues to

who

be impossible to resolve, as

cannot be reunited with

changes may

is

seen

If

the

the case of the child

in

symptomatic

his birthmother, for instance,

relieve the strain of conflict. In other words, the illness

may be a way

As

of containing or structuring the anxiety.

such,

it

may

be protecting the adoptee against a greater harm.

have noticed

I

experiences of loss

both

in in

my

research and clinical

the earliest days of

memory

with somatic (bodily or physical)

by

later experiences.

were

told that they

lives in their later,

life

may

traces,

Many adoptees have

work

leave

that the

some people

which get triggered

reported to

me

that they

vomited a great deal during the early days of their

adoptive families.

Some

of the adoptees reported that

as toddlers, they suffered from stomach aches

when

separated

some adoptees had stomach pains when separated from their spouses. These symptoms might qualify as reawakenings of somatic memory traces. In working with from

their adoptive mothers.

As

adults,

regressed patients in therapy, a pain so deep that is

sometimes

triggered.

For the

stomach aches and other

may have been way

it

many adoptees who

illnesses as children

is felt

reported having

and even as

a way for them to organize their anxiety

as to prevent

its

more severe emotional

as cellular

adults, this in

such a

manifestations.

Basic Fault

Another

may

result of the separation of the child

from the

first

mother

be a sense that he causes this separation himself. Not only

is

there a sense that he might have contributed to whatever caused the loss,

but that he

is

“bad” as a result of

44

it.

This

may be

especially true

Loss and the Mourning Process

for

adoptees who, because they

blame themselves intellectual

unwanted by

feel

for not having

been good enough to keep. The

reason for his relinquishment does not seem to eliminate

the adoptee’s feelings about

it.

At the same time that the adoptee may happened, he may also is

feel

a paradoxical feeling of

as

“I

feel at fault

the birthmother “did

if

did

it;

you did

it

to

confuses not only the adoptee himself, but everyone

and rage against the guilt,

their birthmothers,

lost

to which the child

to him.

it”

me” going else, too.

outbursts toward the adoptive parents.

There

on, which

Resentment

parent are connected to feelings of

may respond

what

for

shame and

with aggressive and destructive

Not understanding the dynamics

of the situation, adoptive parents often react with insensitivity rejection, instead of

On

acknowledgment and understanding.

the other hand, rather than subjecting themselves to the pain

of believing that their birthmothers didn’t

blame

and

their

adoptive

parents for having stolen them.

confused and conflictual as a rescued, while at the

want them, some adoptees

result of

same time

They

feel

wanting and waiting to be

fearing the separation from the only

parents they have consciously known. This inner conflict causes a great deal of behavioral problems between adoptees and their adoptive parents. further

On

some

the other hand,

children, in

abandonment, may adopt an

attitude

acquiescence, withdrawing and behaving the

an

effort to avoid

a

of compliance and

way they

perceive their

parents want them to behave.

The Death of the Psyche Sometimes the sense of so overwhelming that

it

loss

experienced by adoptees becomes

leads to thoughts of suicide.

These

feelings

are characterized by hopelessness, helplessness, emptiness, and loneli-

ness

—

feelings

mother and and

states:

which go back to the

child.

Donald Winnicott

“What happened

in

calls this

the past

45

original

separation between

“phenomenal death”

was death as a phenomenon,

The Primal Wound but not as the sort of fact that

spend

their lives

we

Many men and women

observe.

wondering whether to

find a solution

by suicide, that

sending the body to death which has already happened to the

is,

psyche.” In other words, suicide

person

is

an attempt, on the part of the

or actualize something which

in pain, to concretize

is felt

to

have already happened, but which they can’t remember experiencing. Winnicott goes on to say, “Suicide but

is

is

not the answer, however,

a despair gesture.” In the case of adoptees, there

periencing of the mother’s not being there

when she

bonding with him. The feeling of despair

is

when

nothing happening “It

it

nothing happening,

when

it

a re-ex-

should have been

a response to a sense of

should be happening. Winnicott claims,

remember trauma than

easier for a patient to

is

is

might have happened.”

remember

to

Many

suicidal

people, although they can think of nothing in their present lives to

make them

feel

so desperate as to commit suicide, nevertheless are

sure that suicide

is

the only answer to their feelings of despair.

Winnicott feels that a simple acknowledgment that the person “died” in infancy

(which for the infant has the meaning of annihilation) can

prevent the actual suicide attempt.

I

believe that birthmothers,

many

of

whom

have been hospitalized

for attempted suicide, experience similar feelings of desperation.

They

are physiologically, emotionally, and spiritually ready to welcome into the world and bond with their babies, but never have the chance to

do

so.

They, too, are

happen

that

left

with the feeling of waiting for something to

never happens. They experience the black hole of

despair, instead of the pure, white light of union with the child.

It is

important for those

through feelings of despair to

happen

actually

who feel when the

suicidal to realize that

sense of longing for something

took place and they can

In the present, those feelings are

on/y

live

feelings,

through them again.

and

feelings can’t

Although tremendously painful, feelings can be tolerated.

becomes so inundated by the

feelings that

adult, intellectual side of himself,

he

is

If

kill.

a person

out of touch with the

tragedy can happen.

46

they lived

Loss and the Mourning Process

Even the

there

if

is

a loss or some other

of the adoptee which convinces

life

reason for wanting to end his triggering the feelings of the

making

it

seem

intolerable.

aspect of himself

life,

this

first loss,

As an

adult,

him

These

that there

present loss

is

on

in

a legitimate

probably also

is

thus exacerbating the pain and

he must engage the

when choosing whether

archaic, baby feelings.

currently going

crisis

intellectual

to act or not act

on those

a feeling perhaps for

suicidal feelings,

the adoptee that he really doesn’t exist and for the birthmother that

she doesn’t have the right to

exist,

and should never be acted upon

are the result of past experiences

in the present.

Summary

A

sense of loss expressed by most adoptees often seems to

manifest

in

sadness and depression. This might be interpreted as an

unconscious yearning for the

lost love object (the first

a feeling of incompleteness (the

which a of the

child

is

lost part of

mother?) or

in

The age

at

the Self?).

do with which

relinquished might have something to

two predominates.

In

any case, the

of a sense of goodness of self

result

appears to be a

loss

and mistrust of the permanency

of

future relationships with significant others.

The

abandoned

stages of grief through which an

include rage

child will pass

and protestation, a sense of hopelessness and despair,

detachment, and

finally

a kind of resignation and the beginning of

attachment to the substitute mother.

If

an adoptive mother, being

especially tuned in to her baby, experiences his hesitation in attaching,

may

she

feel

it

as rejection.

She should,

instead, understand this as

the child’s need to protect himself from rejection.

The unconscious tion,

to

fear of further losses,

causes anxiety. This anxiety

make

(acting

may

which threatens annihila-

manifest in behavior designed

the parents understand the chaos the child

out)

is

feeling inside

or in withdrawal and psychosomatic symptoms. Both

responses are protecting the child from a more severe state of

47

The Primal Wound psychological deterioration.

impending

doom

that

is

thoughts get acted out

more

of

in risky

activities, driving recklessly,

are

A more

tolerate separations.

ideation.

suicidal

In

children

behavior (such as engaging

taking drugs,

overt in attempting to

Many adoptees

dangerous response to a sense of

end

etc.),

in

suicidal

dangerous

whereas most adults

their despair.

say that they tolerate death better than they

They may respond

to loss by denying

it,

becom-

numb to it, or by trying to avoid Trying to avoid loss causes many adoptees to avoid intimate relationships. This is just one of the many consequences of the devastating loss suffered at or near the ing

it.

beginning of their

wound

will

lives.

Those and other manifestations of the primal

be discussed next.

48

PART TWO

The

Manifestations (The pain of adoption) is something that can dormant most of one's life. If it erupts

lie

in

childhood, adolescence, or early adulthood and

is

dismissed as neurotic behavior or normal rebellion,

it

can subside into numbness. But

malignantly

some adoptees

in

making them detached, to trust.

.

.

.

it

can

their

all

stir

lives,

floating, unable to love or

(Adoption) has got to be understood.

—BETTY JEAN,LIFTON

W

statement adoptee, author, and

ith this

friend

B. J.

Lifton has eloquently ex-

many adoptees have

pressed what

long time; yet adoption

many people

in

ideal solution to

is

still

felt

for

a

proclaimed by

our society as a simple and

what

is

actually

an extremely

complex and

painful problem. In the

of this book,

I

presented

my

first

part

premise that the

separation from the birthmother causes a primal or narcissistic

adopted

child.

manifest in the

49

How,

wound then,

lives of this

to the Self of the

does

this

population?

wound

The Primal Wound Perhaps the most relationships. This

easily

observed manifestation

certainly

is

one

When one one can

surface of the relationship problem,

difficulties in

most prevalent presenting

of the

in counseling.

problems for adoptees

is

gets beneath the

find

some common

themes: symptoms of depression and anxiety which reflect a sense of loss

and

basic mistrust

All of these

and which

symptoms

interfere with healthy relationships,

be traced back to the primal wound and the

may have been unaware of the

emotional problems.

in turn result in

many ways

and

all

can

which

in

it

exacerbated in the adoptive relationship by parents original trauma.

In this part of the

book, then,

I

will try

to

convey the ways

in

which the adopted population seems to be affected by the early trauma of separation

my

from the birthmother.

In

doing so,

I

will

be reporting

my personal and professional and my clinical work with adop-

experience of adoption from both

perspectives, including

research

and adoptive

tees, birthmothers,

One

my

families.

of the difficulties in doing

members

research in adoption

that

is

and avoidance as

of the adoption triad frequently use denial

defenses against painful feelings. These defenses must be understood

who

as unconscious on the part of the person as

if

one decides

certainly

do

that,

to

when we speak

,

of denial

It is

not

and avoidance as defense

of something which

happens automat-

the unconscious: the blocking out of painful experiences in

order to cope with one’s situation. This

through or overcome these defenses: is

using them.

deny or avoid something. Although one can

mechanisms we are speaking ically in

is

is

One

why is

it

is

totally

so

difficult

to get

unaware that one

employing them!

There are forms however.

of denial

One example

adopting children that this wish,

is

no

which

reactions, responses,

is

is

and avoidance which are more conscious,

the wish

different

a

willful

on the

part of adoptive parents that

from giving

birth to

them.

It

is

my

denial of reality, brings into play

belief

many

and behaviors on the part of the adoptive parents

which are detrimental to the healthy development of 50

their children.

The Manifestations

The taboo

against talking about adoption as being different from

a “natural” family

is

very strong, not only within the families them-

a whole. For instance, there were people who,

selves, but in society as

when

hearing about

my

wondered why

research,

wanted

I

to “rock

the boat” or “upset the status quo” by introducing such controversial ideas as infants being able to differentiate between their birthmothers

and

their adoptive mothers.

I

find

it

revealing that

none of those who

objected was an adoptee.

I

issue, there

To

where there

believe that

those

is

who

reluctance to openly discuss an

is

something which needs to be asked me,

when

clarified

they heard of

the separation from the birthmother affect a to admit that

I,

my

and understood.

study,

newborn baby?”,

one time, asked the same question

at

“Why would myself.

I

had

Now,

more appropriate question to be, “How could the separation from the mother to whom he was connected for nine months not affect an infant?” In the theoretical part of this have suggested that the separation does affect the child book however,

believe the

I

I

even

drastically,

child's

the effects are not easy to detect because of the

if

coping mechanisms.

With one or two exceptions, neither the participants of research nor the adult adoptees in

my

my original

been

practice have

identified

as needing treatment as children. For the most part they represent

adoptees

who were

“testing out.”

As

acquiescent and compliant as children, rather than

adults

most of them lead ordinary

lives

and do not

stand out as having significant problems. Nevertheless, they

felt

as

if

adoption were something that they wanted to talk about, although

many could who began I

am

not say why. Perhaps

we can

her book Twice Born this way:

You

adopted.

appearances

I

wouldn't

am

know

me

there

is

ambivalent even as

never grow up.

it

to

meet me. To

a writer, a married

theater buff, an animal fanatic within

get a clue, again from Lifton,

I

Who

—

an adopted

yes,

I

child

write these words.

woman,

all

outward

a mother, a

can pass. But locked

who

stirs

guilty

The adopted

child

has ever heard of an adopted adult?

51

and can

The Primal Wound Perhaps the urge to

on the

part of

child within

talk

about their adoption has been an attempt

many adoptees

them so

to begin to understand the

that as adults they might learn to

know themselves

more completely and thereby become more complete.

52

adopted

CHAPTER

5

Love, Trust, and the Adoptive Mother The

child

who

is

placed with adoptive parents at

or soon after birth misses the mutual and deeply satisfying mother-child relationship,

which the

lie in

that

deep area of the personality where

physiological

merged. Both for

and the psychological are the child and for the natural

mother,

that period

quence,

and

it

the roots of

to

is

part of a biological se-

is

be doubted whether the

relationship of the child to in its subtler effects,

its

post-partum mother,

can be replaced by even the

best of substitute mothers.

—FLORENCE CLOTHIER

The Limitations of the Adoptive Mother Clothier lost in

made

the wilderness?

It

professionals, such as

began

to say the

happens

observation

this

was

years ago!

Was

hers a voice

twenty-five to thirty years later that other

Donald Winnicott and Joseph Chilton Pearce,

same

to prepare a

fifty

thing:

mother

There

is

something special which

for the birth of her baby, a

of events which begins at conception

sequence

and which cannot be learned or

acquired “by even the best of substitute mothers.”

The adoptive feel

parents,

who

have been waiting for a baby and

who

come into the picture at a disadvantage. concern about which they may not have

ready to love and nurture him,

In fact there are four areas of

been made aware:

(1)

The mother has not had 53

the benefit of the

The Primal Wound forty-week preparation period of gestation,

been alerted to the

fact that their

(2)

baby has suffered a trauma upon

having been separated from his biological mother, parents have not dealt with their feelings about their the loss of

may

fertility,

and

those

(4)

may have

neither parent

who

(3)

most adoptive

own losses,

including

already have biological children

not have adequately explored their reasons for wanting to adopt

or the impact this

will

have on

their family

life.

Despite these deficiencies, the mother usually attaches very quickly to the baby

and loves him as her own. Most of the time, because she

has had no previous experience with which to compare what she

is

now

is

experiencing, she notices nothing unusual.

very perceptive and does notice

some

it,

If

the adoptive

begin to notice

wonder

if

she

it

mother has a

all

(until

If

In

when

a change

mother.

acts out his pain, she

may

in

her feel inadequate and

child,

she

may

somehow

not notice anything at

the task of defining one’s identity

may

the behavior of the child).

any case, the relationship with the mother, whether conflicted the most crucial and the most ambivalent relationship

or compliant,

is

for the child.

She

is

and the person with can’t be trusted:

Who

may make

she has a compliant

it

who

first

She has

doing something wrong. The lack of information

is

adolescence,

bring with

child

for his

it.

by the age of eighteen months to three years and

about the original trauma at fault.

mourning

is

she

clear understanding

because she has not had adequate preparation for

not been told that the baby

if

the bonding process

difficulty in

between her and her new baby, she may have no of

And even

Is

the

the person to

whom

it

whom

he wants most to connect

seems the most dangerous.

A

mother

She may be an abandoner.

Abandoner?

Herbert Wieder claims that often the confusion about the meaning of adoption as a process

is

reflected in the child’s confusion about

54

Love, Trust and the Adoptive Mother ,

which mother

is

which:

The

child confuses the adopting

mother with

the abandoning mother and mistakes the term adoption for abandon-

ment. Here again the problem

than as inner confusion. While of adoption

may be

seen as an

is I

intellectual

dilemma rather

agree with Wieder that the concept

confusing for the child,

I

believe that

it

his actual

is

experience of the abandonment which causes him to project the

abandoning mother upon the adoptive mother: She available, while the birthmother

The

child’s

and

result the child hostility

all,

not.

perception of the adoptive mother vacillates between

his seeing her as the rescuing

As a

is

after

is,

in

mother and as the abandoning mother.

demonstrates ambivalent feelings of compliance

toward her. These

his attitude

feelings,

which are

protecting the child against vulnerability and possible annihilation, are

confusing to both mother and child.

This confusion their biological

mother.

My

is

further noticed as adoptees alternately refer to

mothers and

their adoptive

mothers as the

observation has been that the term “real”

is

“real”

used con-

“My real parents are the parents who raised me.” Yet, as adoptees become more relaxed, when they say “real mother,” they mean the biological mother: “I love my sciously for the adoptive mother:

adoptive parents, but

Even

if

I

need to

find

my

real

mother.”

the child recognizes that the adoptive mother

abandoning mother, she

happened once,

it

that the question,

could

certainly

happen

could become one. After

is

all,

if

it

again. Frederick Stone points out

whether spoken or unspoken, “Why did

mother not keep me?”

not the

is

my own

almost always followed by the unexpressed

but equally anxious thought,

“If

she could do

that,

what about you?”

Splitting

The question “Who was projection onto the adoptive

the abandoner?” and the subsequent

mother the 55

role of the

abandoner

is

often

The Primal Wound

phenomenon

experienced as a assigns

“good” attributes to one

all

Even a

attributes to the other.

one

set of parents, will,

that

he

is

when

child

which a

in

“splitting,”

called

and

of parents

set

who does

feeling rejected

child

“bad”

all

more than

not have

by a parent, fantasize

not really the child of this rejecting parent, but that he

be rescued by another

all-loving

parent

who

will

him do what he

will let

wants. Freud called this the “family romance” theory.

This fantasy takes on more

who

reality for children

actually

do

have two sets of parents. Instead of seeing both aspects of good and

bad

in

one

set of parents,

an adoptee often assigns one

the adoptive parents

and the other

times the good image

is

aspect

is

attribute to

Some-

to the biological parents.

given to the adoptive mother and the negative

mother who gave him away. Frequently,

for the biological

however, using the mechanisms of reversal and displacement

which

(in

more

one’s feelings for a particular person are projected onto another

convenient person at one’s boss),

—

like yelling at

one’s wife,

when one

really

mad

the adoptee projects the negative image onto the

adoptive mother in an effort to work out feelings of

and

is

rejection as a result of having

anger,

hostility,

been relinquished. Because the

adoptive mother doesn’t understand what

is

going on, she often reacts

negatively to this behavior, thus giving the child a “real” reason to be

angry at her.

It

has been shown that regardless of the

intellectual

reasons a child

has been given for his relinquishment, there are often feelings of betrayal, anger, resentment,

the available mother-figure.

and sadness, which are projected onto It

is

equally true that babies

who have

been “abandoned” to incubators, or who have been separated as the result of

some catastrophe such

anger and lack of

two

trust

which

cases, the person with

biological

If

mother

herself,

I

result.

whom

The

will

need to work out the

difference

he or she

is

tries to

that in the latter

work

it

out

is

the

not a substitute for her.

the adoptive mother

the child’s mother (and

as war,

is

insecure about her

own

sense of being

believe that in a certain sense there

56

is

good

Love, Trust and the Adoptive Mother ,

reason for

this feeling of insecurity),

power over her by using adoptive mother

the “real” mother, and the child

all,

doesn’t have to pay attention to her. in

and allow the

child to

misbehave

may

feeling rejected herself, she

The “mean”

advantage.

this split to his

not, after

is

a child can exert a great deal of

The adoptive mother may in

give

order to regain his love. Or,

act in

an angry,

manner

rejecting

towards him, thus setting up a vicious cycle of anger, rejection, anxiety,

and

capitulation, resulting in a confusion of inconsistency in

parenting, and acting-out by the child.

This scenario

sometimes played out

is

having been told that he in

is

“special,” feels that

child,

he has to be perfect

order to retain the love and acceptance of his parents. This need

to be special can put a great deal of pressure to

where the

in reverse,

some perceived expectations which

on the

child to live

up

are frequently unattainable. This

often leaves the child feeling inadequate and worthless, a reinforce-

ment

of his feelings of having failed his

perfect for the “rescuing” parents

mother. The need to be

first

makes the

seems

true self in order to submit to the wishes of his parents. This

imperative to his survival. you’re gotten

On Being

As Wieder

notes:

“You have

told,

which

them? Some say meaning

is

Among

it.

This

is

is

those

I

how many said,

and everyone

damn

child, but

many mean what

one interpreted

parents believe

“Not a

this

special; but

interviewed, only

choice!” Betty said that “chosen” to her

had chosen to have a

What does

not the popular interpretation,

answering the question Irene

no

to the story that

chosen means being

that her parents chose her

take what they got, which

but feeling imperfect,

that they are chosen.

that being

does “special” mean?

interpret

good or

Special

adoptees are

this as

to be

rid of.”

The feeling of needing to be perfect, becomes even more confusing in reference to

own

child suppress his

else

all

had to

adoptees

however.

thing, because I

meant

In

had

that her parents

not necessarily her. Teresa said that

57

The Primal Wound

when she

got older, she realized that

it

was her parents who were

chosen (by the agency), not she. Being told that they are chosen or special seems to be confusing

and to put a great deal of pressure on many adoptees to variety of perceived expectations

those expectations their parents

do not

means behaving feel hurt

me

or attitudes. Janice told child,

on the

live

part of their parents.

up

to a

One

of

such a way as to ensure that

in

or threatened by their questions, actions,

that she

that she

felt

had to be the perfect

so that her parents could be the perfect parents.

Taichert and Harvin, in speaking to the issue of a child’s feeling

unable to

his

fulfill

parents’

mentions the message which toward

altruistic

many

or other emotional needs,

children get about feeling grateful

their parents: “Put in this position, the child is

prevented from

expressing his feelings, differences of opinion, or even his creative ideas.

for his

He can good

Many

neither gripe nor complain, lest he appear ungrateful

fortune.”

of the adoptees with

whom

adoptive parents were providing

adoptees responded to

I

talked

felt

grateful that their

them with a home and

this gratitude

family.

Some

by trying to prove that they were

They are the high achievers among the adoptive population, who feel the need to get one more degree, to strive for more and more approval, not only from their parents but worthy of

also

this

kindness.

—as

from society

if

to justify their existence. Internally, however,

high achiever or not, the burden of

may

thankful for his adoption

either

to express his needs or feelings, or

and

callous. In

any case,

it

may

this obligation to

be

dutiful

and

make a child cautious and unable it may make him seem indifferent

cause him to view his differentness

as undesirable and something about which to be ashamed.

Denise voiced what parents doesn’t

mean

many

feel:

“Being chosen by your adoptive

anything compared to being unchosen by your

birthmother.” This feeling of being “unchosen” sets the adoptee up for

many

roadblocks to normal emotional development.

58

Love, Trust, and the Adoptive Mother

Images of Love and Hate

One in

area of development where there

is

a noticeable

difficulty is

the task of integrating the feelings of love and hate into one person.

The

images of good and bad between the

splitting of the

birth

adoptive parents, as mentioned earlier, often impedes the

and

ability of

the adopted child to accept his adoptive parents as having both a good

and a bad hate.

It

which he must work out

side with

also hinders his

Adoptees tend to

split

his feelings of love

and

working out these feelings toward himself.

good and bad, not only

the images of

Many adoptees have

parents, but for themselves as well.

told

for their

me

that

they see themselves as having an innate “badness” or flaw, which got

them kicked out

of paradise in the

Even

this is

if

place and which threatens to

They see themselves

trigger another rejection. able.

first

not conscious,

it

will

as unloved and unlov-

be evident

in their relation-

ships with others.

The need vigilant,

to be

good often causes adopted

which means that they are constantly assessing the “climate”

of the environment in order to

know how

their security within the family requires

trying to determine

what

tightrope or walking

on

it,

“It’s

children to be hyper-

like

is

it.

to behave.

many

walking a narrow ridge

in

feel

as

if

This need to be vigilant in

expected of them

eggshells to

They

feels like

walking a

adoptees. Or, as Joan puts the middle of the Grand

Canyon.”

The

anxiety which this provokes sometimes leads to exaggerated

behavior. Allison,

who

who

says that she always

never caused problems for her parents and felt

loved in her family, nevertheless describes

her relationship with her mother as “love-hate.” She says, at

my mother was way

would

just

“flip out.”

out of proportion to what was going on.

She doesn’t remember her mother ever felt

when she would getting mad at her

manipulated by her and angry at her.

feeling of being manipulated (about

later)

I

explode.” She would sometimes get fevers

or raising her voice, but she

The

“My anger

makes sense

in

which

I

will

have more to say

view of an adoptee’s early experience, but

59

may

The Primal Wound

much

not have

to

do with what

going on

is

the present and

in

interferes with the building of trust.

A

Matter of Trust work on the

In his

Life Cycle, Erik Erikson tells us that the

first

human development is Trust vs. Mistrust. One ways a baby leams to trust in his own sense of goodness and in

crucial stage for healthy

of the his

mother to be there

him

for

is

the sense of security he derives from

her meeting his needs, both physical and emotional. Here again, the adoptive mother

at

is

a disadvantage, because the infant has already

experienced the mother as not having been there. The environment hostile,

the mother can go away, love can be withdrawn, and aspects

of the Self

can be

This lack of

lost.

trust is

She therefore cannot be

trusted.

demonstrated over and over again

There

relationships throughout their lives.

Caroline puts

it

this

not leave me. After

the

in

my

heart

line. It’s

that they

the

I

way: all,

“Intellectually

me

she never gave

didn’t believe

it.

that

will

go away.

my mother

would

leave ...

if

I

her.

didn’t toe

friends. I’m constantly surprised

think that

I

adoptees’

any reason to doubt

She could

same with my women

remember me.

knew

I

in

always the expectation,

is

beginning with the adoptive mother, that the loved one

But

is

they’re not with

if

me,

they’ll

forget me.”

Love

is

This

may

Dangerous! inability to trust

the

permanence of the mother/child relationship

many

also be at the root of

affection

from the adoptive mother.

a child

shown or

is

told that

he

is

adoptees’ failure to feel love and

No

matter

loved,

he

love her, believe

how

precious she

me. There

is

some

is

to

me, but

I

how

I

often

One show Ann how much

always

it.

I

feel

kind of barrier there that

60

or

unable to believe

is

adoptive mother said, “Over and over again

how much

I

as

if

she doesn’t

can’t penetrate.”

Love Jennifer,

who

took good care of

Trust,

,

and

the Adoptive

Mother

“My mother

didn’t feel loved

by her mother,

me

every material advantage, but she

and gave

never hugged and kissed me.

I

me

learned a

lot

said,

from her, but so

being a loving, demonstrative person, she wasn’t.” While

was not a demonstrative mother,

true that this

as

to

able to allow her

mother

distancing

may seem

to be

less vulnerable.

from the adoptee as a defense against experience with

hold and cuddle

my

my daughter,

daughter but she

As a baby she wanted

did so.

allowed for feeling that

no!

her

I

we

public,

surface.”

a

One

child,

Is

it

be coming

in point:

I

wanted to

seemed uncomfortable whenever

it

I

tried to

I

rock her in the

once mentioned

was

different

most of an

this to

when we were

in

daughter became very affectionate herself and

closeness from me.

I

she was doing. She

said that

I

attributed this to her

knew you wouldn’t dare

reject

so she could allow her true feelings and needs to learns

from those who know!

even an

of the relationship,

again?

actually

couldn’t get too close in public. But Geri said, “Oh,

know what

in

If

more

may

to be in a vertical position

adoptee named Geri and noted that

my

it

a case

is

rocking chair or to hug and kiss her.

There

Although the

vulnerability.

the time and wiggled around whenever

public.

needed instead

coming from the adoptive mother, through

a process called “projective identification,”

My

true,

that the adoptee

to be affectionate, but

keep a distance as a way to be

may be

might also be

was once the case between my daughter and me,

was not

I

it

it

far as

infant, doesn’t trust the love

why

and permanency

should he put himself in a position to be hurt

not possible that in

many

cases the adoptee

need to defend against a further devastation by

initiating

will feel

the

a distancing

response to bonding? This seems to ring true for those adoptees who, either through regression or hypnosis, have

felt

the need to “take care

of themselves” or to guard against vulnerability by rejecting love.

may be there even when the child seems compliant and affectionate. Many adoptees have noted an inability to feel truly intimate with their adoptive mothers. Even when describing the This distancing

61

The Primal Wound mother as

relationship with the

by

this is often qualified

positive,

statements that the relationship has been shallow or superficial.

Donna, who

felt

after her, says that

emotionally:

“I

mother and modeled

quite connected to her

now

she

cannot discuss intimate feelings with her.” She

herself with her mother,

The Drama of the Gifted

who began

own

feelings

and aligning

becoming what her mother wanted “a

The adoptee was

Miller.” (Author’s note:

Vivian,

was shallow

realizes that the relationship

described herself as “numbing out” her

Miller

herself

referring to a

la

Alice

book by

Alice

Child.)

by saying that she and her adoptive mother

get along fine, also said that

it is

them

difficult for

to talk very deeply

about things and that they always end up arguing. This was also experience with

my

daughter, unless

when we were

defenses were down, or

it

was

my

when her telephone. The

late at night

talking

on the

distance provided by the telephone gave her the security she needed to say

what was

in

her heart. She could allow intimacy in conversation

so long as she didn’t feel threatened by

Bill

my

presence.

blames his lack of communication with his mother on himself.

Describing the relationship between him and his adoptive mother as

open and

positive,

he nevertheless says that he doesn’t

very much. “I’m not a very talkative person.” ing,

coldness, or lack of affection

mother as a defensive Evelyn,

who

attitude

times the distanc-

felt as

coming from

her.

didn’t equivocate about her positive relationship with

activities,

birthmother.

her

projected upon the adoptive

and then

her adoptive mother, describing

daughter

is

Many

talk with

many

positive

memories

of

mother/

has very strong and angry feelings toward her

Her adoptive mother

is

obviously the “good” mother.

The Relationship with the Father The ambivalent and the mother

is

often conflictual relationship which ensues with

sometimes

in contrast to that

with the adoptive father.

This relationship, while not always positive, seems

62

fairly consistent.

Some

Love, Trust, and the Adoptive Mother

adoptees find

easier to connect with their fathers than with their

it

mothers. Frequently, however, fathers are either absent or emotionally

most of the

distant, placing

responsibility for the child’s emotional well-

being on the mother. For those whose fathers are not distant, the

seems more straightforward and

relationship

easier to define than that

with the mother. Fathers are often confused by the conflict between the

and the mother, because he

child

an

is

not directly affected by

it.

There

which happens between mother and

intense, ambivalent energy

child,

which the father neither understands nor supports. Melanie puts way:

was between me and Mom. Dad was

“It

does not understand that the while at the

same time

child is trying to

is terrified

trusting, loving relationship with

do

to

so.

outside

The

it

this

father

connect with the mother,

The

vulnerability

her might present

mother/child relationship so ambivalent and

it.”

is

is

which a

what makes the

difficult.

The Withdrawal/Acting Out Dichotomy The

permanence of the

anxiety generated by the uncertainty of the

caregiver results in feelings toward her which are ambivalent, conflictual,

and of

vacillating.

two

diametrically

and

tive,

These

feelings

opposed

anti-social, or

appear to cause the

attitudes

child to

assume one

toward her: aggressive, provoca-

withdrawn, acquiescent, and compliant.

there are two adopted children in a family, in every case that

one adoptee assumes the acting-out

studied,

role

When I

have

and the other

is

compliant, regardless of their birth order, sex, or personalities. In most cases in the literature, due to these being adoptees in treatment, the hostility

was overt and the compliance was

adoptees

They

I

interviewed, however,

act in their families in

The anger and pectedly at times.

and

quiet,

then

hostility

Andrew

all

it

covert. For

most of the

has been the other way around:

an acquiescent, compliant manner. are there, however, and burst forth unex-

describes

of a sudden

it

this

way:

“I

do something

would be withdrawn

‘off

the wall,’” which

everyone would consider his not being himself. The problem with

many

adoptees, the “not-being-himself” part

63

is

the

is

way he

that,

as

actually

The Primal Wound feels

a great deal of the time, but can’t express for fear of rejection.

Francie refers to her withdrawal as “hiding out.”

“numbing

out,” or living the “false self”

Roberta, another adoptee that at about third grade she

—there

who

five years,

a matter of

survival.

acted compliant as a child, says

was a psychological and emotional

therapy for

“hiding out,”

became very angry. “Something darkened

seemed dangerous and needed in

may seem

The

shift.”

These

feelings

to be kept hidden. After having

been

Roberta mentioned to her therapist that she

was adopted. He dismissed

unimportant since she had a “good”

this as

adoptive family! This attitude

is

what makes many adoptees and

adoptive families frustrated with clinicians.

The Nurturing Mother Despite the limitations placed upon the adoptive mother, she can

and does make a big difference cannot erase the scars

left

in the

life

of her child. Although she

by the original separation, she

nurturing mother, the mother

who

is

the

feeds him, rocks him, kisses his

skinned knees, helps him with his homework, and goes with him to select a gift for his girlfriend.

cannot do, and,

Some

in

most

She does

cases, she does

that it

which the birthmother

well.

adoptees have told me, after being reunited with their

birthmothers, that despite the pain of having been relinquished and

growing up that they

been

in

a family of people unrelated to them, they have

were given

available to

intellectual

better opportunities than otherwise

them.

One

has to keep

in

mind

felt

would have

that this

is

an

assessment and has to be balanced against the immense

psychic pain of the original separation.

The Right

to

Selfhood

Part of this pain has to (or his perception of not

do with the adoptee’s not being allowed

being allowed) to be himself.

64

As Steven

Love, Trust, and the Adoptive Mother

Nickman points

out,

be different from

and

self-definition

is

it

reasonable to believe that an adoptee

adoptive parents.

his

Because of

his

need

will

for

his inability to identify with either of his adoptive

may

parents, an adoptee

be even more prone than other children to

which may be completely

rebel against parental expectations,

with that which he perceives to be true about himself.

at

odds

The problem

of not being allowed to be oneself can also exist in biological families,

but in adoptive families, is

Many

magnified.

way

times the only

environment

in his

where there are separate

do what

to

is

is

in

which a

origins, the

child

can

expected of him and

problem

feel

secure

inhibit his

true sense of Self.

many she knew

This attitude of conformity and compliance was voiced by

adoptees

of the

whom

I

interviewed. Victoria said that

she would not please her parents unless she became an

that

attorney, which she tried to do, but this

from her core being. for himself

want

me

that

the farthest thing

was acting out my

I

and that he had no idea who

I

father’s wish

was or what

I

might

for myself.”

Jim,

hours

“I felt

felt like

who

rebelled against his father’s wishes, said,

knowing

at the piano,

that

my

father

out playing baseball. But that wasn’t me.

though

1

knew

that

I

“I

would

sit

for

would rather have had just couldn’t

do

it,

even

was disappointing him.”

I

Sometimes there

is

a sense of responsibility toward the unborn

natural child of the adoptive parents.

Dorothy says that she always

my

mother’s expectations of what

tried,

but never quite “lived up to

own daughter would have been like.” The burden of trying to live up to some perceived expectations, whether real or imagined, may exacerbate the ambivalent feelings many adoptees already have toward her

their adoptive families

my

and toward

their

conversations with adoptees and their parents,

sometimes the adoptees’ perceptions are are

adopted status

more a

reflection of their

are projecting

upon

own

correct,

it

in general. In is

and sometimes they

feelings of inadequacy,

their parents.

65

clear that

which they

The Primal Wound

Summary Because there

becomes uniquely it

to

is

is

reason to believe that during gestation a mother

sensitized to her baby,

it

is

to be questioned whether

possible for the adoptive mother, lacking this special preparation,

bond with the baby

have done.

the

in

same way as

In addition to this, the child’s

his biological

mother might

experience of abandonment

causes him to mistrust the permanence of the present caretaker and to defend against further loss by distancing himself

mother to

often causes the adoptive

angry,

manner towards her

rejecting

rejection

feel rejected

and to

setting

child,

from

her. This

act in

an

up a cycle

of

and inconsistent treatment and behavior.

The question

of

for the child, since

birthmother.

The

who

is

the real abandoner

In

sometimes confusing

most often he has no conscious memory

of the

abandoner often gets projected onto the

role of

adoptive mother as the child

abandoned.

is

tries to

doing so he often

express his rage at having been

splits

the images of “good” and “bad”

parent between the two sets of parents.

He

seeks to protect himself

from further rejection by distancing himself from intimacy with the adoptive mother. Despite his ambivalence toward her, an adoptive

mother can make a care, in

big difference in her child’s

and nurturing which

most cases the

his biological

is

by giving him

adoptive father, at least as a symbol,

him

is less

is

love,

not able to do. Since

had no connection to the

child

the relationship with

mother

life

birthfather, the

not seen as dangerous, and

conflicted

and ambivalent than that

with the mother.

Anxiety, which

is

of the mother-figure,

often manifests

produced by the uncertainty of the permanence is

itself in

sometimes expressed

two diametric behavior

in disguised

form and

patterns: provocative,

and impulsive; or withdrawn, compliant, and acquiescent. Where there are two adopted children in a family, they appear to aggressive,

assume a

polarity in their overt behavioral patterns,

their personalities are like.

to the pain

and anxiety

in

no matter what

Both are wounded, but each

is

responding

a different way. Each has the same wish

66

Love, Trust, and the Adoptive Mother

and acceptance, and each has the same fears of rejection and

for love

abandonment. One pushes against

from a

it.

In neither case

false self,

is

for the inevitable

and the other guards

the child operating from his true Self, but

which helps protect him from further

hurt, rejection,

and disappointment. It

is

very

difficult for

the adoptive mother of a

take in the concept of the primal wound. heartbreaking;

many

it

is

who

looks like a normal baby, a baby

child

is

is

abhorrent;

in

The mother sees what many ways is normal, and

a laughing, happy toddler, and she can’t believe that this

aching inside. But

if

she

is

really alert,

noticing, she will be better able to help for

is

it.

if

she

is

truly

to her child, she will notice the sadness, the pain, the fear.

and

it

to

something she would rather not think about. And

adoptive mothers don’t think about

later sees

It

newborn baby

him

to love her in return.

67

him

attuned

And

in

so

to allow her to love him,

CHAPTER

6

The Core Issues: Abandonment and Loss One

common

of the most

abandoned. Abandonment

fears is

is

that of being

a dominant theme in

child myths.

—HARRIET MACHTIGER

Loss of a loved person

is

painful experiences any

And

not only

is

it

one of the most intensely

human

being can suffer.

painful to experience but

also painful to witness

if

,

it

is

only because we are so

impotent to help. To the bereaved nothing but the return of the lost person can bring true comfort;

should what we provide almost as an

insult.

underestimate

how

sely,

there

.

.

short of that

There

is

it

is

felt

a tendency to

intensely distressing

and

dis-

the

and for how long the distress, disablement, commonly lasts. Conver-

is

a tendency to suppose that a normal

abling loss usually

and often

.

fall

is

healthy person can

ment not only

and should get over a bereave-

fairly rapidly but also completely.

—JOHN BOWLBY

68

The Core

Issues:

Abandonment and Loss

The Profoundness of Loss If

the primal experience for the adopted child

is

abandonment, then

the core issues are loss and the fear of a further abandonment. Neither is

acknowledged

most adoptive

in

occurred so early in the child’s

families,

abandonment

since the

Given no acknowledgment of

life.

loss

or tools to help him grieve, the child copes in whatever

can,

ways which manifest Loss

deny

its

itself is

be a

loss

many

new phase of involved, much

life

We

levels.

and

the

that grieving might be in order.

society to recognize in each of

life’s

Just as

to

loss

that loss.

a different kind of

of

There

is

have on them,

will

no permission

in

our

between

are expected to be happy, sing

but never to mourn.

we have few

rituals

or

rites of

passage

help us through transition periods, neither do

We

negative aspects of those periods.

in

we

or get through as soon as possible everything that

have a great deal of

acknowledging that

it

difficulty

our society to

is

more

value the

we want

are a society in which

everything to be “nice” or positive, and one in which

We

mourn

transitions the polarities

We

gain and loss or joy and sorrow. jigs,

may

out the happy announcements,

what impact a new family member

songs, dance

tend to

and celebrate the

get married

we might need

less that

neither dares think about

relationship,

We

without ever considering that there

Or a couple has a baby and sends while

way he

often misunderstood.

is

not very well understood in our society.

importance on

joy of the

behavior that

in

his

we

try to ignore

painful or difficult.

accepting, understanding, or even

may be paradox and

polarity that give

life

energy

and excitement, the impetus toward movement, the aspiration toward change and growth.

If

we do

recognize that

someone has

suffered a loss,

cannot ignore such as the death of a parent, spouse, or only tolerate the bereaved person’s grief for so long

expect him or her to “get on with is

life.”

As Bowlby puts

one

that

we

we can and then we child,

it,

“ .

.

.

there

a tendency to suppose that a normal healthy person can and should

69

The Primal Wound get over a bereavement not only

So, with

little

permission to

but also completely.”

fairly rapidly

acknowledge or mourn our

fully

losses,

we deny them; we send them down into the depths of the unconscious, where they rule our lives in many insidious ways, causing feelings and behavior which are then sometimes labeled as pathological.

The Pathologizing of Abandonment and Loss Yet

is

it

possible to completely recover

from a devastating

loss,

such as a child’s loss of his mother or a mother’s loss of her child?

What

is

meant by a pathological response

nation of depressed people. Are

Depression

may be a

and had the

we

in

all,

to loss?

some

sign of unresolved grief.

rituals for grieving

We

seem

to be a

sense, pathological?

we gave permission

If

our myriad and varied losses

in life,

would we then be a more healthy people, a happier people? Would

we then be

able to function better in our society?

And what about

anxiety? Perhaps the anxiety

felt

by so

we would

people signals a greater incidence of childhood trauma than like

to admit.

physical, sexual,

now

to the

In addition

and emotional abuse,

of the separation of a child

from

its

recognized trauma of child I

propose to add the trauma

mother.

It

is difficult

our thinking about adoption from that of a wonderful,

some

truly

acknowledgment of the there

is

As

change

It is

event

difficult,

so, for the adoptive parents to look at the infant

and think that he might be in the case of

to

altruistic

to that of a traumatic, terrifying experience for the child.

and understandably

many

no permission,

suffering.

Yet

how can he

not be? Except

enlightened adoptive mothers, there

child’s loss of the original

is

no

mother. Therefore,

either implicit or explicit, to

mourn.

the adoptee matures, the grief goes on, unresolved. Depression

and anxiety

persist, yet

because most adopted children are placed with

their adoptive parents as infants, clinicians

fail

to consider trauma

and

unresolved grief as the causes of their anxiety and depression, thereby missing an opportunity for effective treatment.

70

The Core There

is

no doubt

Issues:

Abandonment and Loss

that the grieving person

has suffered a loss at the beginning of there

life,

a need to work through this loss

is

function well later in

life,

it

When one

before conscious in

memory,

order for the person to

both personally and professionally.

think of unresolved grief as pathological,

sense that

needs help.

hinders efficiency.

we

should do so only

The adoptee’s emotional

If

we

in

the

reactions to

past events are normal and need to be validated. At the

same time

they must be seen as maladaptive in the present and a hindrance to full

many

functioning. Precious energy gets diverted in

the need to stave off another rejection and

begins to sense on a

those

who

effort

it

more conscious

are nurturing him, energy

takes to

“fit

loss.

level that is

ways:

First is

Later, as the child

he

is

different

from

diverted to the tremendous

in” with the adoptive family.

even more basic need to prove that he has a

Or

there

may be an

right to exist in the

world.

Depression as a

result of

unresolved

grief,

and anxiety caused by

doom

a long-forgotten trauma and a concomitant sense of impending

(another abandonment) work in tandem and often restrict the

full

functioning of an adoptee’s emotional and intellectual capacities.

George described resistance.

If

I

it

“like trying to

could

rid

walk under water; there

is

myself of anxiety, everything would be so

seems

easy.” Other adoptees talk about an underlying sadness which

constant and pervasive, a hindrance to real joy.

way, “Even when I’m having fun, there

something which keeps

much

so

me

is

Ana Maria

puts

it

this

a shadow inside me,

from ever experiencing joy or what

I

think

joy might be.”

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder If

depression and anxiety are twin symptoms for adoptees, the

closest diagnosis

disorder.

however,

might best be described as post-traumatic

Because the early source of symptoms this

demonstrate the

diagnosis tell-tale

is

not recognized.

is

stress

often overlooked,

An adoptee may

signs of anxiety or fear, helplessness, loss of

71

The Primal Wound control,

and

threat of annihilation; yet, unless there

he

child abuse,

is

not seen as having suffered trauma.

of trauma: intrusion, a traumatic

There are other signs of that

first

evidence of

is

abandonment, and

constriction,

a shutting

memory down or

surrendering to the situation at hand (being in the “wrong” family).

was

referring to intrusion

when

adoptee and the meaning

this

talked about suicidal ideation for the

I

might have. Intrusion makes him

to a possible repetition of a past

I

trauma or the

feeling that

alert

one needs

make concrete an experience he thought he might have had, but can’t remember dying). Even if the present environment is safe, it may not feel that to facilitate

it

(the threat of annihilation or the urge to

way. Traumatic memories, tions,

to

keep intruding into consciousness. This often causes the adoptee

appear

state of consciousness,

This state

is

is

because

Adoptees

it

This

often involves

is

It

almost as

if

he

is

when

in trance.

school children. School work

is

—something the adoptee

is

memory

between intrusion and

vacillate

There

make sense

itself

is

way

of operating in the world,

into his behavior

also

an

constriction, with

existential

one

and the

from time to time. This leaves

trauma and to get on

dilemma, whereby he

is

unable

of either natural or divine order: Mothers are not

supposed to leave rationalization

another

the state adoptees are in

feeling paralyzed, unable to integrate the life.

in

at bay.

other insinuating

to

is

this state in

or the other being his normal

with

is

can’t be hurt by painful memories.

daydreaming.

Teachers complain about

keep

or numbing, the adoptee

where he

passivity.

everyone thinks he

trying to

anti-social.

characterized by emotional detachment, indifference,

complacency, and

difficult,

and

aggressive, impulsive,

irritable,

In the case of constriction

him

form of emotional or bodily sensa-

in the

their babies.

God

should not

let

it

happen.

No

changes that basic knowing.

Like other victims of trauma, adoptees often turn their rage at the

unspeakable thing that happened to them on their caretakers. Al72

The Core

Abandonment and Loss

Issues:

though some reunited adoptees speak of feeling rage for

mothers or for the society which caused

many

will

say that they feel no

their birth-

their separation

from

toward her, but have

ill-will

her, their

all

oppositional behavior and intense rage toward their

lives exhibited

adoptive parents. Paradoxically they feel a tremendous dependency

upon and need ambivalence

is

same adoptive

to connect to those

parents. This

the source of great confusion and enigmatic behavior.

Not understanding the unconscious source

of

behavior,

this

parents think that their children should be able to change

There

is

often a feeling that

and keeping the

(in

adoptees

who

Michael told me,

my

put

“I

any more than

it

parents through

why. They were good parents. They did

and

I

was always mad

striking out at

from a dark part of it,

and yet

and that

I

I

am

just don’t

he

didn’t

them.

me

still

be,

treatment

is

don’t

I

seem

to help

had no control over.

I

it.

It

was coming

feel terrible

is

sought,

The “good

it is

usually only for the “bad kid,” the

kid,” as constricted

sent into treatment

And

destructive

commitment

is

and shut down as he

One

reason that the

that the parents can

with good reason:

no longer

The provocation and

to him.

rejection

retaliatory, instead of

become

and unbearable to the parents as the

The provocative behavior

into the parents’ insecurities about being

own

about

kid.

his behavior.

more and more

into their

know

and always stuck

their best

aggression caused by the anxiety about a further rejection

tests their

Yet,

their parents do.

and

hell,

not seen as having any problems.

difficult child is

cope with

etc.).

know why.” The idea that he was reacting to a trauma even remember had never occurred to him. He just

acting-out child.

may

work,

not able to have a loving relationship with them,

thought he was a bad

When

I

in

them, feeling manipulated by them,

couldn’t

I

that

at

making

them,

acted out as children or adolescents,

they, of course, don’t understand

by me. But

relating to

right kinds of friends, in his school

in talking to adult

at will.

the child would just “shape up,” just

if

he would be able to do better

try harder,

it

issues.

child

often plays

good enough parents and

They then become defensive and

understanding and steadfast. Sadly, their defen-

73

The Primal Wound sive reactions often

feared in the

first

produce the very outcome which the adoptee

abandonment

place:

—being sent out

of the

home on

to residential treatment centers, boarding schools, or simply out

the street.

If

the adoptees’ behaviors were seen as attempts to avoid

pain, rather than deliberate provocation of the parents, the parents identify the signs or manifestations of that

might be able to

and help

their child integrate

it.

The Manifestations of Separation and Loss What mentioned

loss in children? In addition to

(the stages of grief

responses to or going

in

Childhood wounds

are the ways in which one can detect the

abandonment and

of birthday parties

anniversary reactions, and the loss of the

to expand.

One

those criteria already

through which an infant passes, somatic

camp, the sabotaging

to

responses which

of

separation anxiety upon entering day care or school

loss,

away

trauma

I

Self),

there are

want to mention or some upon which

of these

and other

some other I

would

like

the numbing of affect or feelings.

is

The Numbing of Affect One

of the

ways

in

which parents can detect a problem with

loss

way in which he responds to death or separation. What happens when a pet dies? How does he react when a grandparent is buried? What is his reaction to overnight separations in

a compliant child

or

visits

would

the

to relatives without the parents?

visit

daughter

is

their

grandparents for a few days,

who would

she’d better

When

call after

the

come back home.

first

it

was

our two daughters

my

older,

adopted

day and say that she thought

This always surprised me, not only

because she loved her grandparents, but because she seemed to have such a

difficult

time relating to me.

our confrontations.

What

I

I

thought she'd

didn’t understand

relish

was

a break from

that the anxiety

which produced both the oppositional behavior and the fear of being

away from me had the same root

cause: the fear of abandonment.

74

The Core

Abandonment and Loss

Issues:

Loss can cause a complete change

who was he

in behavioral patterns. Bella,

quite close to her father, didn’t

mourn him

was only 13 years

died, although she

always wondered about

this.

What

old at the time.

happen was

did

much when

very

She has

that she suffered

a dramatic behavioral change, going from provocative and aggressive to quiet, withdrawn,

and compliant. She “decided” to be good and

perfect at everything.

Her grades improved

totally

She became

withdrawn, because “being otherwise wasn’t worth the

anymore.” She wasn’t sure what the

was the

it

dramatically.

feelings.

When

effort.

She allowed

of therapy, she

is

was, but

is

it

possible that

another parent (about which she would

managed

Despite losses, she

responsible).

conscious

of

loss

risk

she began to

feel

risk

feel

to keep functioning by

too much, she cut off her

herself to get angry, but not hurt. (After years

now

allowing herself to feel sadness.)

Anger

is

often

a defense against sorrow.

Mothers

who have

said that they

admit that the children do not show

their children will nevertheless

much emotion

have never had any trouble with

in the face of loss.

Because the

or a beloved pet can trigger memories of the often

numbed by

feelings

this

and express very

go underground; they “numb

by the parents or others as the

he

is

actually

warding

child’s

is

a grandparent

first loss,

little,

children are

any, affect. Their

if

out.” This

is

often interpreted

being callous or unfeeling,

To

off devastation.

reexperience the original loss

loss of

when

feel this devastation,

to

too painful, so the child denies the

impact of the loss as a defense against psychological deterioration.

When my

daughter was ten,

my

father died unexpectedly.

had shared a very close relationship and

I

knew

that

They

she was

devastated by the death of her grandfather. She did cry and talk about it

somewhat, but the most noticeable response was that of resignation

and heightened evitable loss

again.

if

she knew that closeness meant

and a subsequent need to defend against

She even

love in the

vigilance, as

first

said,

“You

place.”

I

see,

Mom,

I

told

replied, “Yes, love

never be sure that the person

we

you

is

a

it

its

was

risk,

in-

happening

easier not to

because

we can

love will be around forever. But isn’t

75

The Primal Wound

it

better that

you had those ten years of love and closeness to Grandpa

than to have missed them?

It

special that, without the risk,

gave you and Grandpa both something

you would have missed.

was important to you both.” Although she

was convinced. As an

sure that she

know

listened intently,

now

she can

adult,

I

I

that

am

it

not

look back on

her relationship with her grandfather with fond memories, but for a long time the

seemed almost

the reopening of that wound,

loss,

unbearable.

“//

You Leave You're Out!” ,

Another manifestation

of the

trauma of abandonment

who

being unable or unwilling to allow anyone

abandoned the adoptee back and

in the face of loss,

She doesn’t

cry.

the pan.”’

into her

life.

It

in.

doesn’t

knows what the

it!

1

It’s like

seem

shut

was

said that

it

is.

is

a

not allow them back

if

I

i dare you.

transferred,

You

leave

and

that’s

left

it!”’

Europe when her

for

and Jennifer was inconsolable

was more than

when

losing her best friend,

Alice returned

wasn’t able to allow her into her it

real feeling

and anger

out,

stoic

to matter that the person could not have avoided

part of herself. Yet

about

will

is

someone separates from me and the door on the person and don’t let

‘fine,’

the separation. Jennifer’s best friend Alice father

come

people leave her, she

If

tend to say

leaves me. That’s

them back

that she never

that of

perceived to have

is

Ginger says that she

life.

“Tears and sadness don’t

‘flash in

“I

into his

is

at the time, but

life

in the

she knows that

it

for days.

was

two years

She

like losing

later,

a

Jennifer

same way. She rationalized it was really that she could

not trust that Alice would not leave again, and she could not allow the vulnerability which she had allowed herself in the

has not since been so attached to a

Hannah had a

girl

similar experience

tolerate the deaths of her grandparents

the end of relationships. Jo

Anne

or

and all

woman

first

She

friend.

said that she

right, but

place.

was

able to

she cannot tolerate

said that she “cut off” feelings of loss

76

The Core

when her she has

Issues:

father died. In relationships, even short-term relationships,

difficulty adjusting to

Fears of

Abandonment and Loss

separation or to being alone.

Abandonment Are Not

Fantasies

Therapists write about the fantasies related to abandonment which

cause adopted children to cling to adoptive parents or fantasize about

a reunion with the birthmother. There

often a discounting of the

is

importance of these fantasies or an implication that they are It

should be noted that, although the fear of being abandoned by the

adoptive parents might be fantasy, there in

irrational.

is

abandonment experience which may be felt The fear, therefore, should not be perceived as

the original

unconsciously. tional.

One

a precedent for that fear only

,

learns from experience, after

all,

and

all

irra-

adoptees have

experienced abandonment.

Abandonment,

to

any

child, is the greatest fear of

nothing that can “shape up” a child so

fast

back where he came from” or to

him see how he

someplace

else.”

“let

There

all.

is

as a threat to “send him

Even children who are abused by

likes living

have

their parents

a deep sense of loyalty toward them and a fear of being separated

from them. In it

myth and

fairy tale the

theme

not possible that this fear hangs

the heads of

all

adoptees

not be consciously aware? this

all I

of

like

abandonment

is

dominant.

Is

the sword of Damocles over

about which they might

their lives, but

believe that

it

is

possible,

and that

unconscious fear which causes the anxiety experienced by so

it

is

many

adoptees. Although the adoptee might not be consciously aware of the fear of abandonment, which there

is

an

attitude

is

then

felt

as free-floating anxiety,

which can be readily discerned.

It

is

a kind of

watchfulness or cautious testing of the environment, which

is

called

hypervigilance. At the infant stage, hypervigilance can be noticed by

very observant nurses, social workers, or adoptive parents and described as awareness, alertness, or being a “live one.”

77

It

is

often

may

be,

The Primal Wound however, as

I

and one way the

abandonment

described earlier, an anxious response to

which a relinquished child hopes to avoid a repeat of

in

abandonment experience.

and Hoarding

Stealing

Another behavior which manifests or hoarding.

The

child

may

steal

in

or take

adopted children

money

stealing

is

or food in a seemingly

concern about there not being enough “food.” The prece-

irrational

dent-forming experience has been that the “feeder” disappeared, resulting in a pervasive fear that

own and had

better be prepared.

those he

steals are

say that part of this is

may some day have

The people from whom

Some adoptees,

reflecting

easier to accept than the fact that their

what one

to get

feels

upon

was

stolen,

my

all

right.

which

is

It

is

a legitimate

is

a tremendous

connected to the

let

steal diminished.

know

the child

tolerated, the anxiety level

“If

parents might have to return me.”

parents can acknowledge this fear as a

experience and yet

the child

this as adults,

fear of being rejected or returned by the adoptive parents.

money,

his

mothers gave them

one needs. And there

reluctance to return that which

to return the

on

a feeling that they themselves had been stolen

is

away), and that, therefore, stealing must be

way

to be

or respects the most: his parents, siblings,

likes

teachers, or best friends.

(which

he

may

way

of expressing

an

have

I

If

the

earlier

that the behavior cannot be

be lowered and the need to hoard and

know that they are understood, and their own feelings and behaviors.

Children need to

they need help in understanding

Control as a Foil to Loss

One

of the

future losses

mentioned control

is

ways

which children (and

adults, too) try to

prevent

to try to be in absolute control of every situation.

in the

seemed

in

Preface that at times

like

a matter of

life

my

daughter’s need to be in

and death. Nothing

I

from what food to eat to which clothes to wear, was ever 78

I

suggested, right.

And

The Core

Issues

she could never really

yet,

:

Abandonment and Loss

make up her own mind.

Getting ready to

go anywhere became a nightmare.

I

hear similar stories from many,

many

The

adoptive parents.

simplest household decision or suggested deviation from routine be-

comes an immense

struggle for control.

opinions or taste,

is

it

It

a matter of survival.

The

control of the situation at the beginning of his

happened!

anyone

It

becomes be

else to

a matter of

just

isn’t

child was not in

life,

and look what

intolerable to these children ever again to allow

in control of their lives.

They

fight

These struggles can be won by neither parent nor

it

every turn.

at

child,

because

if

the parent gives up and allows the child to decide for himself, the issue then

becomes, “You never help me,” or “You don’t

Parents often feel as

The

if

it

is,

but

it

of the child of another

hatred,

rejection,

the child

acceptance

is

like

emanates from a tremendous

obstinacy, which fear

on the

part

abandonment. That which looks to parents it

of the child’s, the

If

upon

the parents’ need for

problems become almost

In the last part of the

book

about ways of defusing the inevitable fireworks which

result

everyone concerned.

like

an enormous

for acceptance, yet a lack of trust in those

supposed to depend.

rivals that

intolerable for talk

appears to the parents

or insolence has at the root of

dependency and need

whom

they are in a “Catch-22” situation.

battle for control

technically

really care.”

I

will

from

the issue of control.

For adoptees, the need to defend against the

donment or other

losses

intrudes

into

possibility of

almost every relationship,

beginning with that of the adoptive mother and relationships to friends, lovers,

aban-

including

their

and even themselves.

Summary Our

failure to

acknowledge the devastation of separation from the

birthmother on adopted children extends into

79

many

other areas of our

The Primal Wound society,

where we

routinely

ignore or deny the

impact of

Unresolved grief over some long-forgotten (or repressed) loss at the root of

much

of that which

is

considered

clinical

loss.

may be

depression in

our society.

While

is

it

true that

not so

much

giving

them permission

process

people

it.

in the

many

grieving people need help, this help

form of getting them through to feel their loss

Most of these people are not

who

Although blaming the victim

is

it is

in

and the time and means to sick or

abnormal; they are its

use

and paradox.

often a

phenomenon

of trauma,

for instance), being separated

and handed over to strangers

in

from

the adoption

the only trauma where the victims are expected by the

whole of society to be

and the

is

and battered women,

their birthmothers

process

quickly as

are suffering as a result of society’s ignorance, and

of denial as a major defense against pain

(rape victims

it

is

original

grateful.

They are not grateful; they are

abandonment and

loss are the sources of

issues for the adoptee.

80

grieving,

many

other

CHAPTER

7

Issues of Rejection, Trust, Intimacy,

and Loyalty There

is

a deep yearning inside

and meaningful

me

to

have a lasting

relationship with someone, but

it

scares me, because

if

you can't

you won't be abandoned again.

trust that

you

That fear of rejection this

is

.

.

let

yourself get too close,

The way

.

person

to reject the other

take care of

I

They never

first.

have a chance!

—AN ADOPTEE

Difficulties in Relationships

When

adult

adoptees come

presenting problem

is

difficulties in

adoptee to come

in

When

happen

that does

and

treatment for years with tion goes I

finally

something

in

like,

my is

an

adoption issues.”

he or she has been

Then

in

the conversa-

a very big step, because

probably a great deal of

connected to

also

must be recognized

depths of the unconscious and into the

At the mention of adoption, significance,

usual

else,

I

guess

adoption might have something to do

It

its

the

rare for

is

worked on everything

the denial has been pierced. guilt

It

my

noticeable change.

“Well, I’ve

with what’s going on.” This

relationships.

usually after

is

little

have to admit that

psychotherapy,

want to work on

say, “I it

for

if

it

means

that

that there

is

letting that idea out of the

light of day.

the clinician

is

at

all

willing to

accept

he often assumes that there must have been something 81

The Primal Wound wrong with the adoptive parents (which may or may not be again, the issue of (unless there In

what happened before the

were multiple and/or abusive

any case the abandonment and

considered a significant factor

And

yet the experience of

is

and,

child entered the family

homes)

foster

substitution of

what

in

true)

overlooked.

is

mothers

is

rarely

going on for the adoptee.

abandonment has a legacy which

branches out into various other issues which affect adoptees to some degree in most of their significant relationships. The fear of abandon-

ment does not leave an adoptee when he reaches adulthood, but can be seen

way

the

in

which he conducts

in

important people in his

life.

who have had

For people

relationships with

his

a continuity from pre- to postnatal

bonding, the original attachment and bonding experience and the appropriate separation from the mother at the proper time in one’s

development prepares one

many attachments and separations over life. There may be a sense of missing

for

and over throughout one’s

someone

if

a loss

a separation losses

do not

is

is

temporary, or a real sense of loss and sadness

permanent, but short separations or even important

usually paralyze or cause panic.

once every two years and

rest assured that

loved in the meantime. There

from the pear.

if

is

no sense

friend’s consciousness or that

One can go on

with

life.

Yet for many adoptees, emotionally, this

is

just

the

if

One can

one

that

is

see a friend

remembered and

one might disappear

one might indeed

Annihilation

will

just disap-

not happen.

they have not completely withdrawn

phenomenon

they describe upon significant

or even temporary separations and losses: panic and fear of annihilation.

This panic and fear have nothing to do with the present

circumstance, as

difficult

triggering of archaic

as

it

memory

may

which

abandonment

inhibits the

Rather

it

has to do with the

traces of the original

the life-threatening experience that

ceived threat of

be.

sets

it

abandonment and

was. Each impending or per-

up a domino

effect of other issues,

normal ebb and flow of relationships

lishment, deepening, or even their endings.

82

—

their estab-

Issues of Rejection, Trust, Intimacy,

Some

of these issues are fear of rejection, lack of trust, fear of

intimacy, loyalty, control.

guilt, identity,

are

no longer

it

and power or mastery and in different

has been

it

my

in denial as

of these issues are present to

all

Now

who

manifest

will

in varying degrees,

those adoptees

to

shame and

Although these issues

each person

feelings

and Loyalty

ways and

observation that for

a defense against true

some

degree.

might be said that these issues are present for everyone

some degree, not

of the issues.

One

just for

adoptees; but

also needs to ascertain

it is

not enough to be aware

and respect the etiology or

cause, the experiences which brought about the issues.

who have

An

adoptee

gets into treatment because of relationship issues will need to his

recognize his issues of abandonment, fear of

therapist

good and bad) as having

intimacy, and splitting (between

causes from those of a person

who

is

different

suffering, for instance,

certain personality disorders. This difference

by

affect

is

from

not always respected

detriment of the treatment process.

clinicians, to the

Having considered the

effects of separation

and

loss,

what about

the other issues which are precipitated by that separation? Closely related to fear of

abandonment

is

the fear of any type of rejection.

Fear of Rejection Being wanted by

compare

to being

my

adoptive parents doesn’t

unwanted by my birthmother.

—AN ADOPTEE

The Bad-Baby Syndrome

The

particular

chosen, she

felt

adoptee quoted above said that she didn’t

rejected.

A

baby can’t be chosen by one

unless she has already been unchosen by the to figure out

what a

tiny

first set.

set of parents

Since

it

baby can do to become unchosen, 83

feel

is it

hard

must

The Primal Wound have been

by

many

who

she was that was rejected. This

adoptees,

when

The words

feelings.

sets

are something like this:

an innate flaw

up adopted children

the feeling reported

they are able to put words to their very early

away a good baby, therefore feeling of having

is

“A mother wouldn’t

must have been a bad

I

carries over

give

baby.’’ This

even into adulthood. This

on every

for feelings of failure

where

level,

every subsequent rejection, even the slightest one, simply reinforces their belief in their innate “badness.”

One that she

through her patient’s conviction

therapist, attempting to get

had been (and

carried within her) a “bad baby” actually

still

the patient hold a baby and look carefully at

bad do you think

baby can be?”

this

It

began to wonder about her long-held Relationships

the people with find out

whom

one wants

where they

life,

felt

as

if

exemplified by the hesitancy

The

difficulties

and having few

and alienation often it

who

suffered

begin

friends.

accompanying

attributed to maternal

doesn't necessarily

but “baby failure.” Glenda,

often

is

state of acute anxiety with

To the adoptee

can't trust

to relate, but also because they might

get into relationships.

feelings of isolation, unreality,

her

her innate badness.

find themselves isolated

They sometimes develop a failure in infancy.

that the adoptee

become dangerous, not only because one

many adoptees

in childhood,

failure,

was only then

about the “bad baby.” This fear

with which

She then asked, “How

it.

belief in

had

seem

like

maternal

from asthma most of

she were suffocating. She said that she associated

that feeling of suffocation with having

she didn't have a right to

been abandoned and

feeling that

exist.

The Losers and Stoners

Valerie isolated herself as a child by avoiding everyone with the

exception of one friend. She describes herself as always feeling

like

an “awful person.” As a student, she only associated with people

“at

the bottom of the that

list”

was where she

felt

so far as popularity was concerned, because

she belonged.

84

Issues of Rejection, Trust, Intimacy,

Mary Beth says

She

was

well-liked but didn’t feel popular.

being “a loner, a melancholy kid.” As a

recalls

show

that she

and Loyalty

off for adults,

she would

child,

but wouldn’t mix with other children.

adolescent she “ran around” with the popular crowd, but

As an

felt “like

a

fraud.”

Norma She

says that people like her but she doesn’t trust getting close.

know who your

always nice to people, “because you never

is

birthmother

She says

is.”

of her youth that she didn’t “do” pot or

other drugs, but nevertheless always associated with the groups as the “losers and stoners.” That

was where she

Those were the people who would accept

who

Jody,

said that

she belonged.

her.

he loved school and pushed himself into being

an overachiever, nevertheless had well with people

felt

known

my own

age.

I

difficulty

tended to

with peers. just shut

“I

didn’t

work

myself off.” This

feeling of “shutting themselves off” to avoid a possible rejection can,

perhaps, be

summed up by Mary

so that, hopefully, that.

So

want

to take the

whether

I

it

I

Beth,

who

won’t be rejected, or

said, “I will set it

come near

won’t even

won’t have to go through that rejection. ...

chance that they are going to

reject

me

the scene

I

just don’t

in

any way,

be small, medium, or large.” For many adoptees one way

of assuring that they won’t be rejected

and stoners” of

is

to associate with the “losers

life.

Testing Out

For

many

of these adoptees the fear of rejection

to defend against further rejections causes isolate themselves.

for rejection,

Johanna

lists

them

For others, however, there

even though

this is

is

and

their

to withdraw

need

and

a tendency to push

the opposite of what they want.

the greatest fear throughout her

life

as that of not being

loved or liked. She constantly tests people, beginning with her parents, to see

if

they

will reject her.

but never really

lets

She

them know

will

her.

85

get superficially close to people,

She

thinks that her feelings of

The Primal Wound unworthiness go back to her pattern in her

initial

rejection

and have become a

life.

This fear of rejection sometimes sets up a counterphobic reaction

one

of rejecting others before

rejected

is

—sabotaging relationships. “Do unto others

other words, instead of the Golden Rule of

would have them do unto you,” the others

first

that

adoptees

rule of these

is

In

as you

“Do unto

which you fear they are going to do to you.” This

is

often what happens in the relationship with the adoptive mother,

and over again to see

where she

is

the child.

The constant anxiety caused by the expectation

tested over

eventual rejection and the child’s need to

is

It

not

the adoptive mother

just

behavior. Alison says,

because that

is

what

“I I

can stay

feel

with a really good person,

do

and to

destructive to their self-esteem

this

on purpose.

I

I

can’t

seem

“I

know

to help

myself. Every

it,”

once

delay, a reprieve.

in

going to reject of her

know how he

feels

which

child,

their relationship.

experiences

this testing

in destructive relationships all right,

deserve. But

if

accidentally find myself

I

always do something to destroy

However, other people do relationships.

is

mother and

who

don’t even realize

I

her

let

creates a cycle of rejective behavior between is

she

if

until

it

realize

it

is

it.

I

don’t

over.”

tendency to destroy

their

that I’m setting out to sabotage myself, but

Joni says. awhile

I

“It

seems

to be

coming from outside

catch myself, but

The next time

I’ll

do

really

it.

I

it

is

usually only a

The next time

he’ll

leave.”

This testing-out or rejecting behavior friends

this chapter,

many

been given a chance. They are

what to do about which

often an

enigma

for the

and partners of adoptees. As described by the adoptee

beginning of

telling

is

“Joan

it:

of their friends feel as at

a loss to

know what

really mystifies

me. She

at the

if

they haven’t

is

going on or

will just finish

me how much mean to her, them BOOM, she says something she knows hurts me or she’ll go out with another guy or

something.

I

I

don’t get

it.”

86

and Loyalty

Issues of Rejection, Trust Intimacy, ,

Rejection and

One

Work

adolescent adoptees

by the parents as

When

laziness.

will

believe that there

I

why

they find

so

it

is

more

who

was found, the adoptee not

is felt,

just

often feel paralyzed by that

will

as a failure to have the necessary

a rejection of his basic person.

enough

He was

for the job.

the next interview

seem

a

the adoptee denies

consciously aware of

lazy

is

and more

a monumental task.

it),

may

expertise.

There

capabilities, else, in

A

is

an

inability

not good

going on, even

is

a kind of

is

not always

him

for being

results in

way these

he has learned to handle

of unworthiness, which he

it

things

still

work

best, to get

better.

This

talents

and

for adoptees, there

one more Ph.D. to

me

was

not believing

is

worse with age, but

connected to his feelings

intellectually are

in

my

special!

and so many people have had so

music, and I’m

own

a sabotaging of one’s success.

rejection gets

probably caused more trouble for I

one’s

competency or

exist.

knows

ever once just believed that

often accompanied by a

self rejection of

which sometimes the paradoxical

is

to believe in one’s

Barney says that the fear of

gifts,

or training

simple acknow-

willing to try again. Just chastising

prove that one has a right to

I

skills

help him feel understood or at least

a need to be perfect, to be the

that

a job

initial rejection.

do, because he

fear of rejection in the workplace

fear of success or

is

may

(which he

until

not going to help.

The

Or

it

people

This makes going out and facing

failure.

like

it

He was

ledgment by the parents that they understand what

uncriticized

that.

one reason

Now while many

for the job, but as

if

for

go to the next interview and keep pursuing

just

than

it

often say that they might not get the job. In other words,

or another wants another person for that job.

It

to

perceived

is

to look for work,

difficult

they might be rejected by the interviewer or boss,

would

by parents of

which

their reluctance to get jobs,

is

asked to talk about

adoptees

me

the problems often expressed to

of

it

most

87

life

unfounded: “That’s

than anything

else.

If

God has given me so many much enjoyment from my

of the time.”

The Primal Wound The

fear that he

unworthy makes the adoptee so very

is

to criticism or the slightest hint of rejection that

how

a loss to know relationships,

keep from triggering

to

outcome which the adoptee

interferes with

It

it.

The issues of abandonment and

fears.

trust

and intimacy are There

rejection.

permanency

movement among them. The adoptees’ lack of

such a

is

to separate

difficult

it is

closely related to those of fluid

of relationships brings about a distrust of

same time

closeness or intimacy and a need for distancing. At the there

is

a yearning for the very thing which

The confusion about what the

who

Janice,

distinguish

feeling unworthy,

it

between

going to be

is

is

feared.

true feeling

said that she has difficulty in

and can’t always

I

all

was expressed by

aspects of relationships

and attachment:

trust

difficult

is

I’m very likable; therefore,

I

am

bad relationships. She if

first

“do that” to someone

can “handle

it.”

She

else.

don’t feel that

place or she has difficulty leaving even

feels like

a “real bad person”

She would

reject other people.

I

me.” She either doesn't allow

he does. She always assumes that the

want to

I’m

not going to be very intimate. I'm

afraid that they are going to reject

herself to attach in the

“If

to trust anybody, because

don’t believe that they can really like me, because

even

feel at

and Intimacy

Issues of Trust

trust in the

many people

and school, and often brings about the very

jobs,

these issues that

sensitive

She

feels that

is

if

she leaves

fault is hers.

—or

She doesn’t

rather be rejected herself than

used to “dealing with” rejection and

her problem

in

separating

is

based on

the loss that she feels.

After one especially painful loss, Janice decided to feelings in a

had strong

box” and not

feel.

This lasted for eight years,

feelings for a therapist.

Most

she referred were those with men. She react to the loss of a

woman

my

until

she

of the relationships to is

not sure

friend, because,

88

“put

how

which

she would

except for the therapist,

Issues of Rejection, Trust, Intimacy,

women

she hasn’t had close relationships with

“how

She

that works.”

women,

with a few selected Janice’s experience

more

for long

enough

to see

beginning to have close relationships

just

is

and Loyalty

but

it

feels “very scary.”

because she, as a

fully,

chose to explore

I

result of

her therapy

and much introspection, had reached a point where she was able to articulate that at

which many adoptees can only

hint.

Distrust of the Feminine

As

it

has been shown

in

the often tumultuous relationship between

women

the adoptee and the adoptive mother,

abandoners, unworthy of well.

This belief extends to other

trust.

Although the “one best

of

friend’

same sex as themselves, the

the

most adoptees

rest of their friends

tend to be, for both sexes, boys or men. There of not trusting girls or

women,

feeling generally uncomfortable

women:

Wanda really like in the last

her.

to

“I

me

somebody

“ .

.

.

they

especially

like

it

a general feeling

just

beginning to

was probably

like

trust

her

me, that

easier for

them

difficulty believing that

people

women like me, freak out.” met some women who genuinely like

women.

me, and

than any relationship

who

is

else.”

year or two she has

know

Judy,

is

volunteered that she has

her

usually of

around them.

they’d like other people better, that to be closer to

as

and acquaintances

always thought they didn't

“I

is

women

of not being accepted by them, or of

After years of therapy, Vonita relationships with

are often seen as

it

I've

If

just kills

I

me. And that means more

ever had,” and she began to cry.

rationalized her preference for

men

by believing that

she enjoyed talking about ideas (perhaps safer than talking about

women. She still fears that they will disappear from her life, however. This same fear was voiced by Alison, who said that she is constantly surprised when feelings?),

now

says that she prefers being around

89

The Primal Wound

women

her

friends

when she

idea

remember her and

She cannot

like her.

retain this

not with them.

is

Difficulties in Separating

Many adoptees

find

to attach or allow closeness in

difficult

it

relationships because of the fear that each

very first relationship

will

,

not

Bill

last.

new

relationship, like the

describes

as “being very

it

cautious before allowing closeness,” so that he won’t have to face an

He

abandonment. has a

doesn’t attach very readily, but once attached he

time separating.

difficult

Separating seems to be an even greater problem than attaching.

Once a

relationship

separate, even

been

man

in

when

established

is

many adoptees do

not want to

the relationship proves unsatisfactory. Trudy had

what she described as a

for several years.

The

marriage with an older

“real sick”

relationship

seemed

to her

more

parent/child relationship than a marriage. Even though she

unhappy, she could not leave the relationship

some

until

a

was very

she had undergone

intense therapy.

my feelings and some women do.

Meredith says, “I’m afraid to be open about tell

like

my

friends everything

want to get too

mourn

close.

—you know,

But when

I

like

do attach

I

at

all,

I

can’t

let

never don’t go.

I

losses for a long time.”

Distrusting the Self

Distrust in the

is

evident, not only in the

goodness of

or self-worth

is

self,

permanency

of relationships, but

as described previously. This lack of self-esteem

intricately intertwined

with the lack of trust and fear of

many of the adoptees with whom have spoken. guess it was best summed up by Denise, who said, “If my own mother couldn’t love me, who can?” Reassuring her that her mother did love intimacy described by

I

I

her

isn’t helpful,

because

it

brings

up the non 90

sequitur:

“Your mother

Issues of Rejection, Trust, Intimacy,

really loved you,

adoptee on the

who

the baby

and Loyalty

may make sense to the adult doesn’t make any sense at all to

so she gave you up.” This intellectual level, but

it

resides within that adult.

Loyalty Regardless of the issues of rejection,

emanate from the

may

in spite of the

seems

arise, there

to be a sense

stemming from the profound connection between

of loyalty

mother and

me

the adoptive mother

is

of loyalty to that

who

B. J. Lifton,

child.

adoption, once told

now

and even

original relinquishment,

eventual feelings of rage which

and intimacy which

trust,

first

has written extensively about

she feels that the

not so

biological

difficulty in

much a matter

mother. While

I

of trust as

bonding with it

is

a matter

disagreed with her at

and

believe that both of the issues of trust

first,

I

loyalty are present in

the dilemma for the child.

Divided Loyalty

On

the personal

was going

level,

once

to be the mother, that

was

I

I

able to give

was a way

in

I

never

which

I

really

that

I

could take the place of the biological

mother, there was a kind of relaxation

towards me.

up the idea

expressed

in

my

daughter’s attitude

her in words, but there

this to

must have conveyed the idea

to her that she

no

longer had to defend that place in her heart against intrusion from

me. do.

I

It

don’t want to give the impression that this

was only

after years of therapy

The There

is

my

daughter, but

loyalty

toward the birthmother

at the

same time a sense

is

for

and soul-searching that

able to have such a transpersonal attitude in

beloved daughter. She

was easy

is

I

me I

to

was

my relationship with my am not her only mother.

only one part of the picture.

of loyalty to the adoptive parents,

which often enters into the decision about whether or not to search. It is

often

assumed by the adoptee, sometimes 91

correctly

and sometimes

The Primal Wound incorrectly, that the adoptive parents will feel rejected or replaced

any relationship between

their child

and

by

his or her biological parents.

This sense of loyalty does not always disappear with the assurance

need to search and

that the adoptive parents understand the

implementing

assist in

Just as there

it.

seems

will

even

to be a great deal of

trouble believing that a parent can equally love

more than one

(everyone wants to be the best-loved

seems to be

difficulty

a child can love two sets of parents. This

disbelief

in believing that

may

be present

me,

“If

maybe

my that

only time

child),

in the child as well as in the parents. Michelle said to

parents are willing to share

means

I

there

child

me

my

with

that they don’t really love

birth parents,

me.” This wasn’t the

heard adoptees express ambivalent feelings about their

adoptive parents’ willingness to share their child.

some adoptees

seems as

It

if

for

the fear that their parents would object might, instead,

be a wish that they would object

—a proof of

their parents’ devotion.

Loyalty to the Lost Child

Birthmothers also have a sense of loyalty to that is

a high rate of secondary

40%). Those

who

away.”

“It

always be

“I felt

I

is

my

my

little

firstborn will

much pain and guilt connected many birthmothers give up their

so

to the surrendering of the child that rights to

after giving

couldn’t

“I

have another baby. She

disloyal to her to

only child.” There

There

(perhaps as high as

have a hard time even holding

unworthy to be a mother

would be

my

among them

never conceive again say things such as:

be unfaithful to him.

nephew.”

infertility

lost child.

motherhood.

Divided loyalty, which

is

quite

in

visible

present in adoptive families, although

it

is

step-families,

more

covert. This

is

also

makes

the relationship to the adoptive parents, the birth parents, and to

others very confusing and conflicted for adoptees.

mother often

feels like the

The adoptive

“wicked stepmother,” an interloper in the

connection and loyalty between her child and his

most adoptive mothers are not apt to put 92

it

first

mother (although

this way).

Whereas the

Issues of Rejection, Trust Intimacy, ,

birthmother

mother

The

may

feel guilty for

feels guilty for

and Loyalty

having given up her baby, the adoptive

somehow

failing to

adequately take her place.

child feels guilty for having been born.

93

CHAPTER

8

Issues of Guilt

and Control,

Guilt

another issue for adoptees. Actually, while

is

predominant for both

The

Identity

and Shame

Guilt

which

and Shame, Power

is felt

easiest

birth

and adoptive mothers,

most by adoptees. What

way

to understand this

is

is

it

is

often

guilt is

probably shame

the difference between

to think of the difference

them?

between

One may feel guilty for what one has done or caused, but shame for who one is. Shame is connected to an adoptee's belief that he or she is unlovable: He is ashamed of who he is. doing and being.

Guilt

is

not always inappropriate; in fact

holding to one’s moral code.

If

appropriate to feel guilty about again. Guilt

is

it

is

often helpful in one’s

one hurts someone, it

and hopefully

inappropriate, however,

when

for instance,

refrain

it

is

from doing

it

the person feeling guilty

has had no real control over whatever happened: children feeling about their parents’ divorce, for example.

94

guilty

Issues of Guilt

and Shame Power and Control,

Shame, on the other hand, it

means

that a person

Adoptees are

Identity

,

a completely useless feeling, because

is

ashamed

is

of the very core of his being.

quite familiar with this feeling.

who

the “bad baby,” the baby

It

the feeling of being

is

wasn’t good enough to keep.

adoptive parents’ assurance that he was chosen, that he

and want him

that they truly love

way, “Oh yeah, face

my

who can

it,

to

is

no

special,

is

Jeannette put

avail.

The

it

adoptive parents said that they loved me, but

really

love a reject?”

Or

as

Bill

said,

this let’s

was a

“I

throw-away. Who’s gonna love me?”

shame has

Part of this feeling of

to

do with the

feeling of

incompleteness which follows the premature separation from the

Something

birthmother.

disabled or handicapped.

There

missing.

is

He

is

a feeling that he

is

He

is

not whole or wholesome.

is

mother

defective, impaired, fragmented. Often the search for the

an attempt to heal

this defect,

mend

the wound, perfect the imperfect.

same home with an adopted

Biological children raised in the

brother or sister often feel as

person

who needs 90%

they are

if

is

of the attention.

living

with a handicapped

They

often wish that they

themselves were handicapped, not only to gain some of that attention, but also because they feel guilty for not having been adopted.

They

have ambivalent feelings of compassion and anger about the intense feelings

and outrageous behavior which are generated by the adoptee’s

anxiety, yet feel helpless to helpless, It

seems

The

because like

it

seems

do anything about

that

it.

Parents also feel

no matter what they do,

is

it

wrong.

a Catch-22 situation, with no one the winner.

“cure”

seems to make the pain worse. The more the parents

demonstrate affection, the higher the anxiety of the adoptee, and the

more

acting out he does. There

is

no way

for others to convince

adoptees that they are wonderful, lovable, beautiful people. gentle, steadfast love

them (which

begin to trust sure

way

for

no

love

threat of abandonment), they

may

rid

from those

availability

in the possibility of their

adoptees to

they get

who

and constancy of

includes absolutely

If

own

goodness. But the only

themselves of shame

95

is

for

them

to

work

The Primal Wound

it

through for themselves.

It

not enough for adoptees to gain

is

acceptance from others; ultimately they must learn to love and accept themselves.

Power or Mastery and Control Adoptee as Victim

To be

guilty of

something means that one has or had some control over the

situation.

shame

Closely related to guilt and

One

could have done something differently. Yet even though adoptees

tend to is

control.

is

feel innately responsible for their

own

relinquishment, there

a paradoxical feeling of having been a victim. This, then, implies a

need

for

someone

to blame.

Adoptees

vacillate

back and forth between

blaming themselves for not having been good enough to keep to having a feeling of helplessness and undifferentiated anger for having

been so manipulated. This ambivalence by therapists when adoptees are

is

sometimes misinterpreted

in treatment,

for not taking responsibility for themselves.

and seen as an excuse

They are sometimes seen

as using their adoptive status as a rationalization for conflicts which arise with parents,

While

it

is

making resolution of the

true that seeing adoption as the only issue

parents and children to overlook it

is

conflict impossible.

important to keep

in

mind

some obvious

may

cause

interpersonal conflicts,

that adoptees are victims of manipula-

tion of the gravest kind: the severing of their tie to the birthmother

and

their biological roots.

fantasy,

but a

permanent

The

The

feeling of being

that

substitution of

the

child

mercy of

just

a

others.

mothers does not diminish the impact of that experi-

the impact even

said that the

not

does not consciously remember the

ence. In fact the inability to consciously

make

is

Being abandoned often leaves one with a

reality.

feeling of being at the

fact

a victim

more

remember the experience may

devastating and perplexing.

most important thing

I

One adoptee

ever told her was that feelings

have memories. That statement validated a variety of emotions and 96

Issues of Guilt

beliefs,

and Shame, Power and Control,

Identity

the sources of which she could not trace, but which were very

strong and persistent.

One

about which she often

felt guilty.

such belief was that of being a victim,

may have been

of her sense of being a victim

her being able to

more

feel

Understanding the possible source

in control of

Having been manipulated

at the

her

the

life

first

and

step toward

a victim.

less

beginning of their

makes

lives

some adoptees manipulative and controlling. Families of acting-out am talking about. There seems to be an adoptees will know what I

almost desperate need to be in control at control situations by

more

becoming

isolated

times.

all

trigger rejection

in

abandonment over

to

some

in

the other there

anxiety by getting the inevitable

relieve

with. In both cases the

desperately trying to gain

adoptee

feels like

a victim

control over his situation. Parents and

clinicians should not dismiss the feeling of victimization

means

of the adoptee as a rationalization and a resolution of conflicts with his parents.

acknowledge the

case there

first

a situation again which might

and possible abandonment, while

seems to be a need

adoptees

and detached, while others are

overt in their controlling mechanisms. In the

seems to be a need to avoid being

Some

child’s feelings,

They

on the

part

of avoiding the

should, instead,

first

then go on to the interpersonal

problem.

Lashing out against the adoptive parents

adoptee to

try to externalize his inner

my

was always so angry

at

never did anything to

make me

parents.

shame.

When

that angry.

to rid myself of something inside

me and

I

It

“I

way for the don’t know why

is

a

I

think about

was as

the only

if

I

way

it,

was I

they

trying

could do

on them. That doesn’t make any sense, does it?” asked Andrew. Yes, it makes sense in light of his experience. Yet it

was

at the

to put

same

it

time,

it

is

destructive to the relationship, because the

parents also feel victimized. In working with adoptive families,

seems

to

it

be tremendously helpful for the adoptive parents to

understand the source of their child’s anger, because instead of

becoming defensive, they can acknowledge

97

feelings.

The Primal Wound Life Isn't Fair!

Feeling

a victim sometimes has a paralyzing effect on an

like

adoptee, because even though he doesn’t feel as

still

if

he

is

tries to control his

in control of his

life.

environment, he

His striving to be

complete was disrupted by someone taking over his

of developmental tasks, such as learning the relationship

cause and effect

or,

ces for which he as

is

the adoptee

if

family, taking

responsible. While the rest of the family

he

is

the acting-out type)

up everyone’s space, and

may

circumstances beyond his control.

Adoptees often have poor

reactive.

It

also

means

90%

easier for

is

them

He may have is

feelings that

life isn’t

doing.

frustration tolerance or impulse control.

may make them

difficulty in tying their

inappropriately angry and

on impulses

that they lack the inner brakes

to control the rest of the family than

to control themselves.

whole

of the atten-

that might normally be expected for their age group. In other it

One way

that they

do

it is

words

them

for

by making the

this is

whole family give

in to their behavior in order to avoid conflict

mundane

It

things.

is

difficult

for

them

mind over matter, as many parents

feel as

if

suspect.

they have any control in their

over

to take responsibility for

themselves, especially as children and adolescents. of

feel

completely at the mercy of

feel

This means that the slightest thing, such as

shoes or finding an object,

may

controlling the

is

requiring

or that he really can’t help what he

fair,

between

personally, that his actions have consequen-

adoptee himself

the

tion,

(if

more

altering

and may stymie the natural continuity

forever. This feels unnatural

it

and

life

lives.

It

Adoptees

They

a question

isn’t

really

really

do

don

J

t

feel like

victims, so they react angrily to that feeling of helplessness.

If

they

they are the compliant, “walking-on-eggshells” type, however,

may appear

to be overly responsible. Rather than

to a healthy integration of the relationship in the

normal sense, however,

be a response to anxiety.

It

being due

between cause and

this overly responsible

may be due

it

effect

behavior

may

to the feeling that the original

cause of their abandonment was that they were defective, so that in

98

Issues of Guilt

effect they

now have

and Shame, Power and Control,

who was

a better person than the one

As

As Rick

to be perfect.

said, “I

Identity

knew

had to be

I

given away.”

adoptees sometimes find themselves to be perennial

adults,

what they want to do

students, never quite figuring out

in

even the idea of applying for a job or going to an interview with dread, as has been mentioned before. paralyzes them, leaving

“Alan used to so he could until

them again

The

feeling a failure.

move

out.

Now

23 and

he’s

One mother

He

here.

is still

This

is,

said,

was 18 bed

lies in

job.

What can

don’t want him to feel like we’re abandoning him.”

indeed, a

dilemma

for families

grow up and take

their children to

who

are actually aware of

abandonment and the need

the delicate balance between

responsibility.

to

push for

The adoptee

often vacillate in his response to the parents by either telling that they can’t run his

who do

them

fear of rejection

noon, always promising to go out and look for a

we do? We

fills

us constantly that he couldn’t wait until he

tell

Often

life.

leave

home

often

them

or accusing

life

will

them

of not caring. Children

do so as a defense against being kicked

out,

rather than as an appropriate response to the current stage of their

developmental process. Even for those out of their families, there

undone: “Sure,

was always

this

is

went away

I

I

a smooth transition

often a feeling that something

to college, just like

nagging feeling that

something unfinished.

who make

can’t

my

was

friends; but there

forgot something, that

I

describe

really

it,

but

it

like

that.

Before one can that for

many

truly separate,

adoptees, the

mothers leaves them

And

if

if

feels

before

I

one must

inability to really

feeling as

I’d left

just

forgetting to brush your teeth —you know, don’t know. ...” going to bed —but stronger than

incomplete

left

first

connect, and

bond with

I

think

their adoptive

they are not yet ready to separate.

they are not ready to separate,

how can

they be autonomous,

independent, adult beings? Being adopted sometimes makes an adoptee feel as

if

he

is

perpetually a child.

As

B.J. Lifton says,

“Who

has ever

heard of an adopted adult?” The adoptee didn’t choose the circumstances of his

life,

and he

feels as

if

he

is

powerless over them even as an

99

adult.

The Primal Wound Parents often hear their children saying, couldn’t help

or

it,”

“I

didn’t

do

even

it,”

evidence to the contrary. And, although

was responsible

that the child

actually feels as

book

I

will

if

were out

it

for

my

fault,”

“I

the face of overwhelming

in

may

it

isn’t

‘it

be evident to the parent child probably

what happened, the

of his control. In the last part of this

have some suggestions for adoptive parents to

facilitate

a

balance between the security of necessary boundaries and a child’s

having

some sense

of control in his

life.

Identity

Adolescence

a

is

difficult

time in the

children whether adopted or not, but

those children

who have no

when everyone

is

it

difficult

family, but

especially difficult for

sense of their history. During adolescence,

searching for his

whom

history with the people by find

seems

parents and their

own

identity,

it

becomes more

the adoptee to deny the fact that he has

difficult for

he

it

lives of

to identify his

he

own

is

no long-term

being reared. Not only does

personal history with that of his

he experiences a great deal of

conflict

around the idea of

searching for that personal history. For the hitherto compliant adoptee, this

may be

the

first

time he becomes aware of his deep feelings

about his relinquishment and adoption.

The

lack of personal history

of the importance of future. In

is

a handicap for the adoptee because

knowing one’s past before planning

an attempt to do

this,

some adoptees tend

their perception of the birth parents, especially the

to identify with

The

idea that she

was probably an

confused young person, a great deal usually

one of the

like

ordinary, vulnerable,

the adoptee himself,

is

is

of

and not

fantasies he has about his birthmother.

Because of the dearth of information about adoptee often has a more counterpart.

who member

mother,

sometimes perceived as young and promiscuous or a royalty.

for the

stressful

his

own

history, the

adolescence than his non-adopted

That profound separation of 100

his

biological

sense of

Issues of Guilt

and Shame Power and Control, ,

Identity

himself and his inability to identify with either of his adoptive parents

may prompt some adoptees even

cence,

to act out destructively during adoles-

they had previously been compliant.

if

astonishes their adoptive parents,

who had

thought that their child

had made a good adjustment. The parents often previously docile child

and unable

Many adoptees and

home

with the children often leaving plained, “Dodie

was always such a

Now

a wonderful relationship.

doing

this to us?

Was

end up

their parents

she

angry and betrayed. But

miss her so much!” Dodie’s

feeling rejected

loving daughter.

she has

just

One I

she’d just

I

hurt,

parent ex-

we had

Why

disappeared.

if

and

thought

those years?

give anything sister

situation.

prematurely.

just acting all

I’d

betrayed by their

feel

cope with the

to

This often

is

she

feel

so hurt,

come

back.

had been the acting-out

child,

I

so

adolescence Dodie had been compliant and acquiescent. Then,

until

with her sister out of the picture, she began to act out her

which took her parents completely by heard

many

surprise. This

is

own

a story

pain,

I

have

times.

The reasons vary

for leaving

home

prematurely.

Some

adoptees

leave as a result of having been kicked out by parents unable to cope

with the rebellion, which often

becomes

intolerable.

The adoptees

themselves have some sense of the outrageousness of their behavior, they seem

yet

clinicians

unable to stop themselves.

Too

often

misguided

the parents to send the child to an adolescent

advise

treatment center or special school. They are completely unaware of the significance this solution has

may be

this level

it

the

on the

child.

Whereas

in

some cases

and only thing to do, on the psychological

last resort

only reinforces and exacerbates the abandonment issue for

adoptees. These institutions rarely address abandonment issues in a

manner which

Many leave

at

adoptees,

—rejecting

reject

healing to the adoptee.

is

in anticipation of

being kicked out of the home,

their parents before their parents

them. Ron

said, “I

always had

home. Nothing was ever

said, but

101

this feeling of I

felt like

have a chance to

impending

doom

they were going to kick

The Primal Wound

me

When

out.

then

was

I

sixteen

left

I

home

to live with a

kept going back, then leaving again.

I

My

time at nineteen. really close.

I

But

the

last

finally left for

each other, but we aren’t

talk to

know why.”

don’t

I

parents and

I

girl friend.

Other adoptees leave because they no longer want to do what these parents, to

whom

they are not really related, want

know me. They

don’t

going to do something all

trying to control

is difficult

to heal

me,

or something.

terrible

of these cases, the resulting alienation

and

They

don’t understand me.

They were always

parents.

—not impossible,

them

I

like

just

however, as

had

I

seen by

is

some

upsetting the adoptive parents

Some

“natural” family.

adoption, or children.

if

my

I

was

to get out.” In

child will

and parents

discuss later.

There are some adoptees who deny being curious about origins. This

“They

aren’t really

they thought

by both

is felt

to do.

their

professionals as an attempt to avoid

who want

to maintain the illusion of a

adoptive parents have a need to deny the

not the adoption, the effect of the adoption on their

Yet the fantasy of being a natural family

is

constantly being

undermined by the absence of any

biological relationship, such as

physical

or personality

looked

who

features,

like

interests,

anybody

looked

like

in

talents,

my family.

The

never

me,” Alice explained. Many adolescent pregnancies

who

looks

like

someone

biologically

whose genes are stamped

body, contributes to the sense of insecurity

how competent and

a deep identification

mother with

felt

He

whom

is

by the adoptee.

No

deprived of that primitive

he did share that

Adoptees are sometimes preoccupied with Being disconnected from

into every cell of his

loving the adoptive mother, the child

shares no genetic history with her. relationship with the

connected to

me.”

loss of the thread of family continuity,

with his ancestors

matter

“I

always wanted to meet someone

I’ve

are attempts by adoptees to have

them, “someone

traits.

his genetic heritage

history.

existential concerns.

and randomly placed

in

another milieu causes him to lose any sense of the rightness of things. 102

and Shame, Power and Control,

Issues of Guilt

Rather, he feels that

purposeless, chaotic, and irrational, without

life is

order or meaning. This causes

making

difficulties in his spiritual life,

problems

in

The wish

to search for birth parents

may attempt

to

becomes a means by which he

alienation,

and

own

adoptive parent or the birth of his

an even deeper sense

which

isolation

result

Often the death of an

his genealogical history.

in

and poses

significant choices, such as a career or a mate.

end the chaos,

from the break

Identity

on

biological child will bring

of genealogical bewilderment

and a wish to

search for birth parents.

The search

for

which commonly takes place during

identity,

adolescence and early adulthood,

most parents and

their children.

added complication

who

people

For adoptees, however, there

reared them. Even

birth parents

may make

traits

which they inherited from

difficult.

One

clinician put

—there are

way: “Adoptees have a Swiss-cheese identity in it.”

When

the

they want to identify with their

if

very

this

is

any genealogical connection to the

of not having

adoptive parents, the personality

a time of conflict and dissent for

is

lots of

their

it

this

holes

physical appearance, personality, and ethnicity or culture

are also different, each of these aspects

adoptive parents that

much more

makes

identity with

the

difficult.

This lack of personal identity precludes having a sense of belonging to the greater society.

“Where do

scale,

Trek episode

(or

I

fit

in?”

The question becomes, on a more global One adoptee was telling me about a Star

two episodes)

another planet. The

child’s

in

which a

if

he

in

fits

because he

he does return to either.

born to people from

is

an

on Earth, where he doesn’t

his native planet,

he doesn’t

their birth parents.

families with

whom

feel

different environment. is

fit

they share few personality

with their birth families

concerned

They do not

A

his feel

second episode, when

alien. In the

as

if

he

fits in

That describes the feeling of many adoptees even

have found

in

is

mother dies and the father returns to

native planet, leaving the child behind

as

child

in

after they

with their adoptive

traits,

who may have been

there

nor do they

living in

an

fit

entirely

great deal of understanding from everyone

needed to help heal the 103

feeling of alienation.

The Primal Wound In

my own

most wonderful aspects of having her of her being)

is

that she

I

was very

functional

failure in dealing

myself

that

is

I

with

who

and

my

Whole aspects

Because

believe that

of

my

discovered

out of

effective in

all

my

of

we

more

extraverted parts of

me

If

now

alike

1

met

discovered about

I

of

my

eight

also believe that adoptive parents

my own

to feel

more

than

personality of their child

own

me

we were when

My

new

allowed the

I

more

therapy helped, of course, because

home

at

with myself, less narrow in

down by

may

give I

own

inflexible

them

that boost into

new dimen-

would urge adoptive parents to foster

so that they,

and

their

my

the arm, paying attention to the true

in

personalities.

possibilities, less restricted

she was a child,

personality to blossom as a result of being

the true personalities of their children (which

caused by pain),

to take a look at myself.

me, but because

like

world view and need a shot

to a brand

I

personality were hidden and unused.

adoptive parents are bogged

sions of their

life (until

have suffered “nicks to the soul,” as one

all

so closely involved with her.

outlook.

What

my

own issues in trying to help their children. What were many facets of my personality, which might have

are actually

allowed

needed therapy. After

their

not because she became

it

I

areas of

daughter’s pain).

been undiscovered had Gisele not forced

We

I

didn’t believe

psych profs called them,

need to address I

in

was operating on only about two or three

cylinders: I

me

drew

of those adoptive parents all

my daughter, one of the my life (besides just the fact my complacency. was one

personal experience with

too,

inflexible.

is

different

from behavior

may become open It

can be

like

to

new

opening a door

world.

Summary The primary or core issues for adoptees are abandonment and loss. From those two issues the issues of rejection, trust, intimacy, loyalty, guilt

These

and shame, power and

issues are intertwined

probably present even

in

and

those

control,

fluid

for

who seem 104

and

identity

emanate.

most adoptees, yet are

“well-adjusted.”

Issues of Guilt

and Shame Power and Control, ,

Part of the problem

and

their parents

getting through the denial in both adoptees

about the differences between adoptive and so-called

“natural” families. level of

is

Identity

The

first

step for

all

triad

members

awareness they have about adoption

the myths and stereotypes vs.

reality.

None

is

to assess the

issues; in other

words,

of these issues can be

addressed successfully unless they are also addressed honestly. The

depth of the pain and the many issues caused by that pain are not easy to face, but for healing to begin doing so

is

essential. Parents,

if

they are honest in their perceptions about their child, can, with help

from a professional, be tremendously in their child.

The next

part of the

effective in facilitating healing

book deals with

105

this healing.

PART THREE

The Healing

my

have presented

I suffer

theory that

a primal wound as a

separation from the

first

some

ways

related

of the

of their

result

mother. in

adoptees

all

have also

I

which

wound

this

might manifest as adoptees grow from childhood into adulthood.

are

we

to

The

do with

questions this

information?

And

something to be avoided? avoided, what should be

I

believe that

to avoid

becoming

have to accept rejoice in

made up fair

find

life is

it).

We

done

if

Is

adoption

cannot be

it

differently?

a paradox and that

frustrated

this

now become: What

and

order

in

disillusioned,

we

paradox (and perhaps even

have to accept that

life

is

of absolutes: black or white, dark or

or unfair, but that in

all

aspects of

life

not

light,

one

wall

elements of both black and white and

myriad shades of gray 107

in

between.

The Primal Wound The answer

to the difficulties with adoption

ignore them, or to do

The answer and

how

learn

knows

to deal with

different realities

from

order to avoid them.

in

with that

Anyone who has grown up

it.

do away with

don’t

not to deny them,

difficulties, live

problems involved

that there are

we

yet

acknowledge those

to

is

away with adoption

is

families.

being

in

in

reality,

a family

such a relationship;

in

Adoptive families have some

biological families

which must be acknowledged,

understood, and dealt with.

There

a great deal of healing which needs to be done.

is

to be acknowledged that there pain, triad.

and

that this pain has

The

difference

is

attitude of society

people involved, because

it

all

and many

between adoptive and

wound causes

a wound, that the

an impact on

members

needs

It

of the adoption

clinicians that there

biological families helps

discounts legitimate feelings.

It

none

is

no

of the

negates the

complexity and additional burdens placed upon the adoptive family unit,

and the

feelings of

adoptees and

birth

parents.

It

offers

no

empathic understanding to the adoptees (who are expected to be grateful for being in such a nice family), to the adoptive parents

are sometimes accused of just not loving or caring

(who

enough or they

would not be having problems), or to the birthmothers (who are

made

that they

The its

idea of a

that there solutions.

is

complain or search).

infant’s being separated

not an easy idea to accept, because

no way around

is It

wound caused by an

mother

biological

and

their choice, so they shouldn’t

this

wound, no pat answers or magical

wound,

that although there are certain criteria for evaluating the different

tations differently. While entirely healed,

it

is

it

hoped

is

from

implies

it

implies that all adopted children suffer from this

toms of the wound,

told

adoptees

will

respond to these manifes-

certainly true that the

that there are

symp-

ways

in

wound cannot be

which

it

can at

least

be mitigated. Healing must take place within various contexts: within the adoptive family, as adoptive parents learn ways in which to deal with their child’s feelings,

as well as their own; within healing support

108

The Healing groups for each part of the parents,

—adoptee,

birth parents,

and adoptive

where each can seek support from others who have had the

same experience and process,

triad

among

feelings;

where each part of the

empathize with one another’s

triad

feelings;

triad

members

the reunion

in

can learn to understand and

and

finally,

within society as a

whole, as people become more and more aware of the impact of separating babies from their mothers, and understanding and helpful to those

Loss

who is

are involved in that process.

paramount

in

the understanding of what

each member of the adoption

triad.

of the birthmother, the birthmother

and the adoptive parents are continuity.

None

is

The adoptee is

is

going on with

feeling the loss

is

feeling the loss of her child,

feeling loss of their fertility

and genetic

able to grieve, sometimes because the feelings are

make them

so repressed or denied as to

because society ignores their

grief

inaccessible; other times

and thinks

that the adoptee

adoptive parents should feel lucky, and that the birthmother

choice and should get on with her

life.

As

I

event, which calls for celebration.

the adoptive parents; but

it

is

And

this

may

is

be true, at

also true that there

is

debilitating, leaving

and unpredictable

feelings.

one

feeling at the

mercy

is

not a

seen as a happy least for

loss involved for

everyone, loss which needs to be mourned. Loss which

can be

made her

said before, ours

society which understands loss very well. Adoption

and

is

not mourned

of unexplainable

Understanding, acceptance, empathy, and

communication are the keys

to the beginning of healing.

109

f

CHAPTER

9

In the Best Interest of the Child

If

made sense

anything in this book has

apparent that psychologically what child

is

far,

who have

best chance in

life.

then

it

will

truly in the best interest

keeping babies and their mothers together.

When

be

of the

that

is

not

measures must be taken to ensure that those

possible, then other

children

is

so

to

be separated from their mothers are given the

Too

often

we

try to

do what the adoptive parents,

birth parents, social workers, or attorneys want, without ever consider-

ing the psychological impact those ideas or actions will have child.

on the

Adoption should serve the children who need parents, not

who seek

the childless couples to be separated

from

In the Beginning.

There

is

.

his

.

children.

mother,

how

If

a child really does have

should

we proceed?

.

a growing trend

in this

independent, open adoptions. This

is

111

country toward what

is

called

seen as better than the secrecy

The Primal Wound and

lack of genetic information

Besides providing the child with a sense of his genetic

in the past.

history,

it

can also provide him with the

problems within

this

some

possibility for

kind of

many

Despite the advantages,

with his birthmother.

relationship

On

which agency adoptions have provided

system are beginning to surface.

open adoptions

the one hand,

more

give the birthmother

on

control over her child’s destiny. This should have a calming effect

As a

her during her pregnancy.

between the adoptive and

relationship of trust begins to build

parents and they

birth

become more

comfortable with one another, the birthmother’s anxiety about the future of her

baby may diminish, creating a more positive intrauterine

On

climate for the fetus. obligation

on the

the other hand, there

part of the birthmother to

moment

a feeling of

hand over her

become her

the adoptive parents (who have

may be

infant to

when

friends),

at the

of truth (birth) she may, in fact, decide that she can’t give

up her baby. The pressure upon her may be even greater

if

the

adoptive parents take an active part in the birthing process, such as the adoptive mother acting as coach for the biological mother.

Sometimes there

a kind of

is

ritual

handing over of the baby with

when

candles and soft-spoken words. There was a time favor of

this,

because

sets of parents

and

that the love

trust

many

my mind

about

this.

from told

will

me

mother.

“inhuman,” sacrifice.”

television.

ill

when

have

“human

“gross,”

whom

at the

for her),

seeing these cererituals

sacrifice,”

Although some adoptees admit that the intent

not one adoptee with

I

for the child of separation

They have described these

“grotesque,”

infant.

adolescent and adult adoptees have

that they actually feel physically

monies on

rituals.

Many

one glance

more agony than peace

do nothing to soften the trauma

his biological

in

The ritual/ceremony may make the two

birthmother’s face, usually reveals it

all

between the two

birthmothers and adoptees, however,

sets of parents feel better at the time (although

but

was

would penetrate the preconscious being of the

After talking to

changed

felt

I

I

I’ve

spoken

felt

and

“ritual

may be good,

positive about these

(Others have a low opinion of the intent as well.)

112

as “sick,”

In the Best Interest

of the Child

The Need for a Conscious Decision Doing what

in the best interest of

is

the child necessitates there

being an honest evaluation on the part of the birthmother about her feelings

how

and

giving

situation.

up

Many

birthmothers are

their babies

is

almost

total denial

about

going to affect them. Until that baby

become a

born, he hasn’t always

in

is

mother. Her ultimate

reality to the

choice must be a conscious one, a true choice based upon honest information (educational and

intuitive).

This would involve impartial pre-

and postnatal counseling, and time with her baby alone.

means

!t

that

the birthmother would be allowed to give birth without the pressure

which the physical presence of the adoptive parents

in

the delivery

room

would place upon

in

the delivery

room

may

be

some

just

her.

as coercive as the pressures which are brought to bear by

agencies, attorneys, or independent adoption centers.

have a hard time

Or to

if

Having the adoptive parents

may

she does, she

know

that

any

them

telling

guilt

that she just cannot relinquish her child.

feel guilty

about disappointing them. She needs

may have

she

She may

towards the adopting parents

be insignificant compared to that which she

may

may

toward the

later feel

child should she decide to relinquish.

The adopting

no matter how much they want a baby,

parents,

must also understand the implications for the baby

from

his biological

there

is

mother. The

instinct to

nothing wrong with admitting that

to adopt.

It

is

much

parent

this is

is

he

is

separated

powerful, and

the reason they want

better to be honest about the yearning to be a

parent than to proclaim the child from

if

some

some unknown,

altruistic

hocus-pocus about rescuing

terrible fate.

how much

But no matter

how much should not come

pain the prospective parents are in or

they want a baby,

satisfying one’s desire to parent

at the

expense of

the welfare of the child.

Most adoptive parents never consider that the could be harmful for the child.

suggested

it.

Their intent

one has come

right out

is

Why

substitution of

should they?

No one

good, but their understanding

and

is

mothers

has

lacking.

said in plain language that the child

113

really

No

would

The Primal Wound be traumatized by being separated from his biological mother, and except

obvious cases, the best interest of the child

in

served by keeping him with her.

may be

biological

A

it.

baby

is

not a commodity to be bargained

mother owes nothing

The

first

obligation

is

to

try to talk

for,

and the

to the prospective adoptive parents.

she often feels exploited by them and by the attorneys

them. Her

better

a birthmother changes her mind and

If

wants to keep her baby, the prospective parents should not her out of

that,

do what

is

who work

Yet for

best for her child.

Flip Side of Exploitation

The

issue of exploitation also

own

mother’s

attitudes

comes up

in regard to the biological

toward the whole procedure of adoption. There

has been some controversy over the exploitation by birthmothers of adoptive parents

more

who

are desperate for a child.

Some

birthmothers

willing to give their children to the highest bidder in

money and

seem

terms of

“perks” than to do what might be best for the child. These

women need

to look at their true feelings about having to give

up

their

babies and to stop acting out their anger and frustration by making the

adoptive parents “pay” for “taking away” their babies.

There needs to be a great deal more honest (unbiased and impartial) counseling for both biological

and adoptive parents as to

what

means

all

of this manipulation of parents

them. Perhaps counseling should be

legislated,

“baby business” are not going to do

it

for the

baby and for

because people

in the

for obvious reasons: Providing

honest information and counseling to the birthmother about the pain of her loss,

and to adoptive parents about the

being an adoptive family,

money

in

is

special

problems of

a conflict of interest for people making

adoption.

Time for a New Approach Because of the

profit

motive involved

adoptions today, which often lends 114

itself

in

many independent

to exorbitantly expensive

In the Best Interest of the Child

adoption costs and even dishonest practices,

and restructure adoption methods.

it

may be

time to rethink

State-controlled, non-profit agen-

which would be required to provide adequate pre- and post-adop-

cies,

tion counseling for the birth

impartial

setting

and adoptive parents, would assure an

for adoptions.

the past, babies were kept in

In

hospitals to languish in isolation with

no one

to comfort or touch

them, then routinely sent out to foster parents, thus providing another potential for attachment

to deal with

Even

in

loss.

made wound

Provisions would need to be

agency personnel concerning the primal

for the education of

and how

and

it.

agency settings the birthmother could be given some say

about

who would

sake,

she should be encouraged to maintain some post-adoption

contact, whether

parent her baby. At the same time, for the baby’s

it

is

painful for her or not. This contact does not

have to be her physical presence, but could be

in

the form of

letters,

The birth parents need to be real to the child, and his genetic history made available to him, but the relationship should be devoid of as much confusion as possible. cards,

The

photographs and up-dated

jury

In

how

out about

is still

any case,

it

my

is

best to achieve this.

opinion that the birthmother needs some

time alone with her baby, whether or to say good-bye.

If

history.

it

is

to

welcome him

into the world

both sets of parents then want to have some

kind of ceremony, that’s fine, so long as everyone remembers that is

for

them;

will suffer

will

it

is

it

not going to diminish the trauma of loss the baby

as a result of his separation from his biological mother.

It

not prevent the primal wound.

The Need for Adoptive Parents Even with a will

full

understanding of the pain which she and her child

experience upon separation,

relinquishment; there

will

some

biological

always be children

parents. Adoptive parents

may need 115

mothers

who need

will

opt for

loving adoptive

to consider that preparation for

The Primal Wound the

new baby

involves

nursery. Because of the

more than providing a

understanding and special nurturing needed for traumatized babies, prospective parents can help prepare themselves for parenthood by

examining very

carefully their

concerning their

infertility,

own abandonment

issues, their issues

wanting to adopt, their

their reasons for

acknowledge the differences between biological and

willingness to

adoptive families, their expectations for the child and the adoptive

how it will feel for them to rear a who may be totally different from them.

family relationship, and stranger, a child

Make

Children It

a Difference

important for parents, whether adoptive or biological, to

is

realize that children take

standing.

It

“to have a ,

a great deal of time, attention, and under-

makes me very nervous when people say baby .'

that they

1

I

would

11

a child

biological

understanding

all

they would say,

feel better

if

which that

implies.

Too

“I

want

want

to rear

often in our society,

people want to have children as long as these children don’t interfere with their

lives.

Well, children are going to interfere with

1

their parents

lives.

If

they don’t, parents

may

and change

not be doing a good

job of parenting.

Adopted children take even more patience and understanding than biological children for

They are

all

the reasons already outlined in this book.

especially sensitive to being

rotating nannies or

baby

sitters,

already experienced abandonment.

left

for

in day-care centers

example, because they have

(All infants

three suffer from this experience, by the way.

extended time away from mother.

acknowledge it.

this,

It

however, because

and children under age

They are not ready

is difficult

we

or with

don't

With so many working mothers today,

for us as a society to

know what

this

for

to

do about

dilemma has become

widespread.)

Before a couple makes the decision to share their child,

whether

lives

with a

biological or adopted, they should ask themselves

116

if

In the Best Interest of the Child

they are willing to put the child’s welfare

first,

his

emotional,

psychological, physical, and spiritual welfare, not just his material welfare.

If

wanting a

not, then child.

perhaps they should question

come owe it

Children

dependent beings.

We

their motives for

into the world as tiny, helpless, totally

to

them

interest.

117

to

do what

is

in their best

CHAPTER

10

The New Family

In establishing

a

new

adoptive family,

is

it

between the process for a newborn and that

necessary to distinguish

for

an older

child. In this

make recommendations to adoptive parents who are adopting newborns. Many of these suggestions will be relevant to any adoptive relationship, but some modifications are recommended for chapter

I

will

families adopting older children.

These

will

be discussed

in

the next

chapter.

Bringing Baby

Once

Home

the baby

parents to follow

in his

is

some

new home,

it is

important for the adoptive

guidelines to help the attachment

processes. Eye contact

is

very important.

A

and bonding

baby should always be

held while being fed, with eye contact being maintained throughout.

Skin to skin contact that

is

he can begin to

also important feel

between

infant

and mother, so

more secure with the new 118

scent, energy,

The New Family and heartbeat all

babies.

in

At

a calm, loving atmosphere. Touch

through sensory perception and

ways

who do them

to touch

people

who

in

a basic need of

phase, infants learn about people and objects

this early

For babies

is

intuition.

not respond to cuddling,

a loving

specialize in

way

that

is

it

is

essential to find

nonthreatening. There are

baby massage, and

I

would recommend that

some techniques which

parents seek one out in order to learn

will

allow the baby to accept touch without feeling threatened. Certain

games which

foster touch

can be another means of doing

this.

Parents should not mistake a child’s reluctance to accept cuddling

need

for a lack of a

The

may

needs touch, but

child

devise

for closeness

ways to make sure

seems calmer

not trust

that there

children provoke spankings to child

and touching or a

fulfill

after a spanking,

to get his quota of touching without

he

feels repentant.

where touch

Because

also

is

punishment

It

is

no

It

is

up

to the parents to

Some

deficit in this area.

the requirement for touch.

it is

If

a

probably because he managed

becoming

this kind of

touching sets a bad precedent. to cuddling

is

it.

rejection of them.

vulnerable, not because

touching sets up an equation

for negative behavior, this

form of

A child who does not respond positively

only trying to defend himself against further wounding.

has nothing to do with the parents personally. They need to accept

this,

remain sensitive to their

child’s

messages, and find ways which

are nonthreatening to give affection.

How

to

Handle Loss

Parents of babies and toddlers adopted at birth or later

want

will

to be alert to unexplained sadness or crying, which might be expres-

sions of the child’s loss of the biological mother.

psychologists believe that children

remember

their

birth,

up

Remember

to the age of

relinquishment,

for him.

If

and adoption.

the child cries and refuses to

119

let

some

two or three can

important to empathize with the loss and to talk about

words

that

It

it

would be

—put

it

into

the adoptive mother

The Primal Wound comfort him, perhaps he

his first

mother and would

u

You must miss her, sweetheart,” some understanding phrase would do. The adoptive mother is from someone saying

benefit

or

remembering

is

so.

certainly the nurturing mother, but she will never take the place of

the birthmother, and, even to

let

the child

know

she

if

feels

threatened by

she needs

this,

that she understands his loss.

Also important would be noticing the adoptee’ s reactions to present loss (the death of a pet or of

moving

new community,

to a

leaving friends,

ledge the loss or does he act as

if

would be too overwhelming to do experiencing the immediate

helpful to

It is

remember

someone

it

whom

he

close,

felt

Does he acknow-

etc.).

doesn’t matter? (Translation:

so.)

but his

loss,

to

Not only might the first

child

It

be

loss as well.

that the vague loss

felt

by the adoptee

is

not confined to the loss of the mother, but also to the loss of part of himself, or his Self.

One

pain or death.

get to the point

they

felt

person

as

if

is

It

reported to feel something

of the things that adult adoptees

where they can put words to very

they had died

who was born

like tell

first

me, when they

early feelings,

—that the person they are

to their

phantom-limb

is

is

that

not the same

mother. Death and losing the mother

are often confused by the child. Usually, in his confusion, the child feels

as

if

losing the

The

mother/death of the soul

biological

is

his

own

fault.

mother, whether overtly acknowledged or not,

very real part of the adoptee’s emotional

life.

This

is

one reason

is

a

that

it

is

important he be allowed to talk about her. Parents should communicate

in

a sensitive manner any information they have about the birthmother

or birthfather

when

the child asks about them. Talking freely about

them

helps to keep the fantasies at bay and promotes an atmosphere of

honesty and case, at

an

it

is

trust

my

between the adoptee and

his adoptive parents. In

opinion that the child should be told about his adoption

early age,

even before he understands the words. There needs to

be an openness about

it,

because he already knows about

there. Just because he will not be able to consciously

doesn’t

mean

any

that

it

isn’t affecting

him.

120

it.

He was

remember

it,

:

The New Family

About Adoption

Telling

While is

it is

important to talk about adoption from an early age,

equally important to

remember

adult,

complex concept, which the

time.

One

complex.

that, intellectually,

child will not understand for

crucial not to

is

It

the ones to

lie,

and to bring the ideas

and that they should

tell

able to accept

The

an

some

because

He

that way).

it

at the

same time convey

mean

love,

that the child will be

should be free to discuss adoption

all

a lifelong process.

is

it

naturally into

goes without saying that the parents should be

It

honesty, and permanency (which doesn’t

life,

is

should start with birth and go from the simple to the

the conversation.

his

adoption

it

goals are both telling and understanding and both must be ,

Some

completed.

of the questions which might

come up are

the nature

of adoptive family relationships, the nature of the adoption process,

the parents' motives for adopting, and the birth parents' reasons for relinquishing.

Sometimes adoptees appear

adoption. This

to be disinterested in their

a defense. They are very interested. Parents need

is

not be put off by any defensive attitudes, but should proceed in a

manner.

sensitive, gentle

There

is

a sequence of telling which

I

,

in Berkeley, California in (of Tustin, California)

Research (PACER)

first

heard at a workshop

1985, sponsored by Parenting Resources

and the Post Adoption Center

in

the San Francisco

for Education

Bay Area.

It

may

and

act as a

guide for parents: •

First three years:

The •

child

may

believe that everyone

Kindergarten The adoptive mother’s parents are

all

see where he

The explanations should be kept

child

knows

womb.

that

is

simple.

adopted.

he did not grow

in the

Differences between him and his

right (transracial, etc.).

came from (agency

The

may want to He may need

child

or hospital).

answers to others’ questions: “Where did you get that red hair?”

Answer: “From

my

family.”

121

The Primal Wound

Ages eight through eleven: The concept

•

The

broadens.

more have

child

has a unique

status.

He may become and needs

overtly frightened about losing his family his

permanency

reaffirmed. This

is

adoption

of

best

done by

to

action,

not words; and there should certainly never be any threats of

abandonment, such as will

send you to boarding

may have

behavior and

Any is

you can’t do

“If

school,’’ or

to put

you

We

in

which these

threats to abandon,

u

better in school,

we

can’t tolerate that

a treatment center.”

are, so far as the child

concerned, only serve to raise the anxiety

level,

causing any

become more blatant and unacceptable. The child may have some fantasies about his birth family and may ask about it. He needs as much honest information as is acting-out behavior to

available. Let

•

him be the one to ask what kind of information the information he

he wants, because that

is

Teens: The adolescent

will

his birth family

ships.

He

will

is

ready to hear.

be able to understand the law

was signed away), and about sex and have more understanding about

(that

relation-

his parents’

reasons for choosing to adopt. There should be openness discussing

infertility.

The adolescent adoptee biological family as

no long-term to his will

own

in

it

will

need more information about

becomes more and more apparent

history with the people with

identity will

whom

be important to him, and

he it

his

that he has

is living.

may be

Clues

that he

begin to think about searching during this stage of development. In transracial adoptions, the

his heritage

and should have access

may come up identity,

their

it

own

adoptee

will

need information about

to appropriate role models. (This

before adolescence, but because of the conflicts about

becomes more acute during this stage.) Parents should examine prejudices.

It

minority children have

growing up

in

who adopt child who is

should never be assumed that parents

no

prejudices. Treating a black

a predominantly white community as

a kind of racism, because

it

if

he were white

denies the child the right to be

122

who he

is is.

:

New Family

The

Remember

that biracial children, especially black/white, frequently con-

and are considered by our

sider themselves will

often identify

more

society to

be

black.

They

with the black culture than with the white culture

and need the opportunity to do

that.

White couples

who

have no black

friends should think twice about adopting a black or biracial child. •

At

ages

all

Parents must

tell

the truth about adoption and

deal with reality.

Acknowledgment of Differences Part of this reality

is

acknowledging the differences between an

adoptive and a biological family.

denying the differences and

come up

of differences, the

insisting

on the

differences.

Someone has listing

the insistence of differences, the assumption

acknowledgment of

and the denial of

ideal. Listed

•

important to find a balance between

with a curve which might serve as a guideline for parents

five categories of differences:

ferences,

It is

differences, the rejection of dif-

differences, with

below are some

criteria of

acknowledgment being the

each:

Insistence: All problems are blamed

on adoption. There

is

a

great deal of emphasis between biological and adopted children: the “bad seed.” •

Assumption: Parents want negatively

•

gratitude.

They bring up adoption

and unnecessarily.

Acknowledgment: Adoption is seen as one of the factors in family problems. Family members have special sensitivities about adoption.

•

Rejection: Parents admit, “Yes, there

(want to forget

it).

They

Denial: in

Have not

a difference, but

” .

.

.

forget that the child feels the differ-

ence and needs permission to voice •

is

his feelings.

told child of adoption.

the family.

123

There

is

a big secret

The Primal Wound Children's Resistance to Talking about Adoption Resistance to talking about adoption does not always

come from

adolescents to

the adoptive parents. Just as

it

is

often

discuss sex with their parents,

it

is

also difficult for adoptees to talk

with their parents about adoption. There talk is

about these sensitive subjects

true that there

is

discuss these topics,

is

difficult for

is

a myth that the

failure to

the fault of the parents. While

it

sometimes resistance on the part of parents to sometimes the resistance comes from the

child.

This needs to be acknowledged.

can sometimes be

It

difficult for

between allowing children to they do. Parents have told

sation or tried to elaborate

about adoption and insisting that

talk

me

parents to locate the fine line

that they

have opened up the conver-

upon something which

son or

their

They say

daughter has

said,

only to be faced with silence.

their children

who

often do not want to talk about adoption. In this

case,

it

is

to try to discover

what aspect of

if

seem

to be

open

often think that they are going to hurt their parents’ feelings

they discuss

how

they are really feeling. Other children are in denial

themselves about the fact that they are adopted, because the “before

I

was wanted by you,

feeling. Parents

Games and

I

need to be open,

it

brings

was unwanted by somebody

patient,

and

up

else”

sensitive.

Play Time

Sometimes child’s

is

talking about adoption

bothers him. Children, even those whose parents it,

it

important to be sensitive to the child’s wishes, but at the

same time about

that

it is

helpful to play fantasy

monsters are. Children

will

games. Find out what the

often communicate their feelings

if

they can do so under the guise of a game. Puppets are especially effective for this purpose.

The “Ungame”

game about feelings, so long as way they play. (In other words, their feelings, too.) Feelings

all

(a

board game)

is

a good

the participants are honest in the

the parents have to be honest about

should never be criticized or judged. 124

The New Family Having a sandbox with

and so

vegetation,

forth

different kinds of figures, animals, edifices,

can be an excellent medium

can work through some of

his problems, as

many

in

which a

child therapists

child

know.

Observing the child at play can often give clues to his anxieties, although, as Marion Barnes has said, most parents do not have the necessary

understanding of the ego and the mechanisms of defense to help their children

how

A to his

anxieties.

therapist, trained in adoption

knows what he needs

child at play

own

going on and give advice

to

do and

through his

it if

feelings.

in the

left

become

not playing with “educational” toys. All play

is

it is

entitled

March 1987

excellent article by a

all

parents read an article

“The Importance of

edition of

man who

is

a means whereby a child can work

would recommend that

I

by Bruno Bettelheim

which ap-

Play,”

The Atlantic Monthly.

understood children very

It is

an

Too

well.

organization of a child’s time can inhibit this very important

work. (This

is

also true of adolescents,

Art, Poetry, Music,

Many adopted withdrawn

in

who need some

children,

perhaps especially those

other ways, are very creative.

intrusive,

it

feelings.

can be helpful to observe an adoptee’s other creative endeavors.

A

art

is

are

If

of their it

work,

is

the unconscious.

It

child, is

because

art

is

not

stories,

seldom aware

“saying.” This can provide valuable clues as to

going on inside the

more

parent has to be able to

understand the symbolism involved, because the child

what he

who

The products

can often contain clues to their true

poems and

“alone time.”)

and Dance

creativity

of

do

will

devices. Parents should not direct a child’s play or

educational in the sense that

peared

is

best support the child as he works through his feelings.

concerned that he

much

A

can help the parents interpret what

issues,

as to

work through these

what

is

and poetry often come from

important that the parents be accepting and

understanding about whatever

it

is

that they discover.

If

they feel

rejected or angry because they see a picture of a child killing his

parents, they would

do

well to try to understand their

125

own

feelings,

The Primal Wound and not

He may

the child.

criticize

feelings of having

been

only be trying to

may have some

or he

“killed,”

work out

his

fantasies about

the adoptive parents having stolen him from his birth family (which preferable, in his mind, to thinking that his

is

mother give him away).

Music can offer children a means by which they can express feelings or

moods. Composing

their

own music

or interpreting other

people’s compositions afford a child a wide range of expression.

Parents can observe (or hear)

if

a child composes or prefers to play

or sing compositions in major or minor keys, fast or slow tempos,

and so

forth.

comment

Again, no

is

called for, although

an acknow-

mood of the piece, such as “That song makes me is that how it makes you feel?” may make the child more his own feelings.

ledgment of the feel sad;

aware of

Dance or movement to

know

how

another means by which parents can get

the inner lives of their children. Children love to dance, and

ways

the

is

they

which they move

in

feel.

For instance,

I

throw

things.)

When one works

(They

activities.

with the meaning behind this

form of expression, one often discovers that the

child

acting out,

is

over and over again, the feelings of having been thrown away. grateful to Suzi

New

for

have observed adopted children vehe-

mently throwing themselves during dancing or playing also

metaphors

their bodies are often

I

am

Biederman, a dance and movement therapist from

York, for demonstrating

how

she helped one

boy work

little

through

this

trauma to the point of being able to have compassion

for that

little

baby

inside himself.

The parents should not question or try to correct his fantasies.

Parents

who

experience

difficulty

ized in his creative endeavors,

to

work out

their

have a right to than what

is

own

He

is

the child about what he

trying to

in

doing,

that out for himself.

with the child’s feelings, as symbol-

need to seek therapy or a support group

feelings of rejection or betrayal.

their feelings, but there

going on

work

is

is

often

more

They, too,

to these feelings

the immediate situation, and they

to explore this.

126

may want

The New Family

One can means

gain a better understanding of a child by observing his

of creative expression.

The

himself freely, without criticism.

he

will

If

child

he

must be allowed to express

feels criticized for his

endeavors,

stop doing this very important work (or stop leaving

they can find

Parents should look upon his work

it).

pain and an effort toward wholeness

—with

it

where

—a record of

his

openness, compassion,

and understanding.

Separation Anxiety

One artistic

who

of the

endeavors

for adoptees in their play

loss of their birthmother will find

separated from mother. This

is

with the academic process.

has not been evident

until

now,

it

may

If

psychosomatic

it

might be helpful to

may be psychological rather than organic.

talk to the child, to say

“Something's bothering you,

me

a picture about

isn't it?"

it,

Susan? Can you

Even

if

for

alleviate

some

more communication Stuttering

and

professional help. that the child

is

symptoms need

in

of the tension

me

about

it

in

a gentle tone of voice

and leave the door open

more

difficult

to address without

should be noted that parents should not assume

suffering to

tell

like,

the future.

skin disorders are It

something

the child can’t immediately

respond, an acknowledgment of her pain

can begin to

on by any new

important to remember that the symptoms

is

are real, even though the cause

or draw

illness

begin at this time. Stomach aches,

often with accompanying diarrhea, can be brought

At such times

means being

it

often exacerbated because of the difficulty

many adoptees have

It

it

be separated from their adoptive mothers. Day care or school

often a source of apprehension for adoptees, because

situation.

and

that of being lost, forgotten, or neglected. Children

is

have already experienced the

difficult to is

themes which comes up

from a psychosomatic problem. Physical

be checked out by a physician.

With or without accompanying physical symptoms, a separated from his adoptive mother for the

127

first

time,

is

child,

very

when

likely to

The Primal Wound experience a great deal of anxiety.

he

level

is

whom

separation

“memory”

and to

their children after school or other activities,

at

camp. This

an attempt to lower the anxiety

is

it

unconsciously) of that

likely

very important that adoptive parents avoid being

them often when they are away

like babies;

their

It

up

late in picking

write

both a physical and an emotional

be reminded (although most

will

separation.

first

On

not treating them

is

level of children for

a tremendously frightening experience because of

is

of that

first

Over and over again they

devastating loss.

need to be assured that someone understands with which the fear of

its

and the ease

this loss

happening again can be

triggered.

The Meaning of Discipline What about child in

is in

Even though we know

discipline?

a great deal of pain, he

still

needs to have rules for behavior

order to take his place in the family and in society.

and boundaries

to teach a child about limits

This

is

an adopted

that

for his

It

is

own

important well-being.

necessary to his relationship with his parents as well as to

future relationships.

It

is

also a very important source of the child’s

sense of security. Adopted children love routine and often act out

when

routine

Every

new experience

One

is

even

if

to have

is

again raises the anxiety

actually going on.

much

to

level.

an adopted

child

scream, or cry

do with the stimulus preceding

behavior

what

is

is

unable to do a task

appropriate to the situation, or

currently going

on? (This

proportion to the situation,

it

about what he

may be

felt

easily. is it

For instance,

will

Ask

often kick,

yourself

if

his

out of proportion to

If

the behavior seems out of

a reaction to an “old” child to

was wrong. (Trying 128

in

Parents should

stimuli.

which was triggered by a recent event. Allow the talk

is

a good question to apply to

is

ourselves as well as our children!)

and then

it.

has low frustration tolerance and

when

child

Sometimes a behavior does not

watch for exaggerated behavioral responses to

an adopted

new activities.

they look forward to

of the diifficulties in disciplining

knowing what

seem

interrupted,

feeling,

calm down,

to talk while the

The New Family child

is

in

an agitated

and more angry.) Let him know that you

and you are

interested in

what

it

was

is

usually

sure that his behavior

was

unaware of justified.

secuted by the least thing and

own

their

own

it

himself.

(Remember

What

be absolutely

that because of their feel per-

the parents need to watch

responses to their child’s behavior. (What button of

unresolved conflicts did he push?)

result of their

He may

lash out at the parents for the

will

confusion and chaos they feel inside.)

their

that upset him.

and manipulation, adoptees sometimes

early victimization

is

he was very upset

realize

not easy to get at the real stimulus (which button was pushed),

because the child

for

child

an argument, with each becoming defensive and more

getting into

It is

and

state will only result in the parent

own

feelings of rejection?

Is

their

These

wish to punish a

feelings might be

normal and understandable, but they should not be acted upon.

amazing that parents often expect a

level

It

is

of restraint from their

children which they are not capable of demonstrating themselves.

When

parents react from their

tively

parent.

They should do

own

“inner child,” they cannot effec-

inner child

this

work

in

their

own

therapy. In their relationships with their children, they should set an

example of

self

control and should demonstrate understanding and

fairness toward their children. This cially in

is

not easy to accomplish, espe-

the case of extreme testing-out behavior, but

it

is

a goal to

strive for.

After trying to be as careful and aware as possible about what

might be going on, the parents then have to teach the child

that,

The key punish. The

regardless of his reasons, his behavior has consequences.

word here

method punitive.

is

teach.

To

means

to teach

,

not to

of disciplining should be appropriate to the behavior, but not

This can be very

children, because they wit’s

discipline

end and

will

difficult

push and push

to

adhere to with acting-out

until

parents are often at their

do almost anything to stop the behavior. This only

serves to reinforce the child’s vision of himself as a “bad” person,

which then serves as a stimulus for even more intolerable behavior, with both parent and child feeling inadequate and rejected.

129

The Primal Wound Younger children sometimes

The presence

at times

Wonder

the child

seems out

horse, or rocking chair in the room.

leaving the door

open so the

abandoned. Any rocking motion

down

when

of

create even

will

rocking horse,

mend

mother

off.”

more tension and less control. Sending a child room with the door open might help, especially if there is a

control to his

of the

need some time to “cool

just

I

recom-

child will not feel isolated

and

soothing and often calms a child

is

quickly.

After the child has calmed down, follow through with a

important to

first

affirm the child’s feelings of helplessness

talk.

It

is

and being

out of control, then proceed to ascertain what was going on. Recognizing

and acknowledging an adoptee’s

further process with him.

and needs

He

is

feelings

is

prerequisite to

confused and scared of his

own

any

feelings

to be assured that these feelings are legitimate, but that his

behavior was unacceptable.

For parents of children or discipline,

I

who

find

it

would recommend a book called The One-Minute

Scolding or Who’s the Boss by Gerald Nelson.

method and

of conveying both love

child

to accept either love

difficult

ending up

and

in frustration

It

describes an effective

discipline to a child, without parent

and anger. Because Nelson’s method

takes time to learn effectively, and because children often respond negatively at perfect is

many

parents give up

on

this

method before they

or before the child begins to respond in a positive way.

important to remember, especially with children

allow is

it

first,

much

going on

affection, that their overt inside.

Keep

sound, especially as

it

at

it.

response

is

who

It

are afraid to

not necessarily what

Dr. Nelson’s psychological reasoning

is

pertains to the adopted child.

Dr. Nelson’s ideas are also valuable for the compliant, acquiescent child

who

is

afraid to express his

own

feelings of

anger for fear of

being abandoned. Observing that his parents can be angry at him and still

love

him might begin

to allow

him

to express his

own anger about

what happened to him. The withdrawn, compliant deceptive. Because he doesn’t cause

130

much

trouble,

child

is

very

he therefore seems

The blew Family untroubled. Although he often idea to notice

how

how

willing

he

seems

affectionate,

it

might be a good

to express other feelings to ascertain

is

real the feelings of affection actually are.

Are they

truly expres-

sions of a deep, secure love, or are they an anxious response to the

abandonment? Parents often mistake

fear of a further

affection. Children

who

feel

clinginess for

secure in their parents’ love can

more

easily risk expressing negative feelings as well as positive feelings.

matter what the temperament of the

No

whether acting out or

child,

compliant, parents should act toward him in a consistent, firm, and loving

manner.

Limits During Adolescence Being consistent, difficult

firm,

and loving becomes more and more

as the child approaches adolescence.

becomes even more out needs more freedom.

The

testing-out child

of control at the very time that he wants and

It

is

also at this time that

children begin to act out more, as they

come

some compliant

face to face with their

identity crisis.

Parents should be understanding, but must set definite limits for behavior. At the age

when peer

pressure

The teenager has

the problems

life,

to be assured over

needs to know that they

to their convictions

An example

will listen

and

that they belong

become magnified. that his parents

discipline

of the need to be fair

about her confusion growing up

many mixed messages,

Janice said,

fairness, but they

and

limits.

doing.

stick to convictions

woman named

in

means

to his requests, but will stick

no matter what other parents are

seen in the experience of a young

and a sense of

peak, the pressure

and over again

love him, but that love includes discipline,

He

its

many adoptees

the feeling held by

with the “losers and stoners” of

at

and sex becomes overwhelming.

to experiment with drugs, alcohol,

Compounded by

is

can be

Janice. In speaking

a family where she was receiving

“My

parents actually had good values

tended not to 131

trust their

own judgment.

The Primal Wound They

my

simply because clear

me

often allowed

I

do something which they

friends’ parents allowed

one day when

sudden

to

heard

I

my

realized that

Mom

them

talking to

parents’ moral

to

do

Gretchen

and

approve of

didn’t it.

s

This became

mom.

All of

ethical values could

a

be

challenged with one simple telephone conversation.” Instead of feeling

good about

this,

she ended up feeling confused and unsafe.

In setting limits for their children, parents

take into consideration what

and place

fair

and to

appropriate for teenagers at this time

Parental expectations about dress, hairstyles,

history.

in

is

need to be

language, or behavior should take into consideration the importance of the adolescent

parents, which

fail

need

for acceptance

by peers. Rigid standards by

to take this into account, will only invite rebellion

and serve to make the

child feel justified in breaking the rules.

a teenager breaks a rule about one of these

less

When

important issues,

it

then becomes easier to break the rules about more dangerous things, such as drugs and alcohol. “Don’t sweat the small for parents.

If

parents are

fair,

strong and caring, even as he

which they have

set.

the child

rails

will

stuff” is

a good rule

appreciate their being

and pushes against the boundaries

(Don’t expect gratitude, though, for at least

another twenty years.)

Angela used to push

furiously against the limits her parents set

for her social relationships, yet she

would be angered

at the laxness

many “lame parents, who don't care about their kids.” Letting her parents know how she felt about these “lame parents” was her way of telling them that she appreciated their giving her a way to control what she was having difficulty controlling herself.

demonstrated by

“I

could always blame

my bitchy mom

for not letting

me do

something”

which she knew to be inappropriate or dangerous, but which she couldn’t

tell

her friends that she didn’t want to do.

Limit setting activity like

becomes even more

conflictual

the child does want to take part

in.

Holding the

a monumental task for parents. Intimidation

Parents are called names, sworn

at, told

132

when

is

the

it

concerns an

line

name

can seem

of the

game:

they are not the real parents,

The New Family and made

to feel totally unfair

constant struggle for power too

and inadequate.

Some

parents find the

and give up. Yet one can’t give

difficult

up, because the stakes are too high. Parents need to be consistent, follow through with appropriate discipline,

and always be

willing to talk

things over, listening to and acknowledging the child’s feelings of frustra-

and anger.

tion, hostility,

Ultimately, fairness

in the child’s learning to set

them

to

The

One

reasonable limits for himself and sticking

Cardinal Rule for Adoptive Parents

cardinal rule,

no matter what the behavior,

THREATEN ABANDONMENT. No for

it,

it

is

the child

implying feel

not what he wants;

may in

it is,

matter

how

is

to

NEVER

hard the child pushes

however, what he expects. Though

bring you to your wit’s end, restrain yourself from

any way that you

will

abandon him. Adoptive parents often

inadequate and totally rejected as parents. Nothing they do seems

who

enough. Those

recommend

this for

a

when

last resort,

turn to organizations such as

have to

told that they

tell

adopted children

all

intolerable for

In

who

living

situation

loss,

it

absolutely

is

extremely outrageous or dangerous behavior,

of

perspective

If

don't

minors, except as

will

be the only means for the adoptee to

on what has been going

on. Sending the child

to a school or adolescent treatment center

however.

ment,

still

I

be

other avenues, such as counseling or searching,

perhaps distance and time

away

are

will

everyone concerned.

the case

some

Tough Love

their uncontrollable children to leave.

have been exhausted and the family

get

result

peer pressure or other adversities.

in the face of

First

and consistency can

does happen,

and

it

is

a

last

resort,

important that feelings of abandon-

is

rejection be explored.

Abandonment was

the

initial

trauma. Parents do not want a re-enactment of that trauma to be the

undoing of a

lifetime of

commitment and

At some point, of course,

home, and

for the

adoptee

it

is

appropriate for a child to leave

this very

133

love.

normal separation sometimes

The Primal Wound becomes problematic. As a young

who may

adult

love of his parents, the adoptee will find

For him a separation

some young

adults

ing to leave find

compounded by young

it

in

it

feel insecure in the

frightening to leave

home.

any relationship often seems traumatic. Even

who have

spent their entire adolescence threaten-

difficult to actually

do

the parents’ feelings of

adult out of the nest.

so. This

guilt

problem becomes

about having to push the

Because they may

as

feel

abandoning him, adoptive parents sometimes allow

they are

if

their adult child

home long after it is appropriate for him to leave. Everything has its own season, and when it is time for a child to leave home, colluding with his own fears about doing so keeps the adoptee in a dependent position and reinforces his own feelings of inadequacy and to stay at

unworthiness. Adoptive parents can acknowledge their child’s fears,

same time

while at the exercise his

and

firmly that

it

is

the mother,

rather than the child,

to be

issues of separation, loss,

parents’ permission to leave.

time

him

if

home

She must look

and self-esteem. The

He needs

to

know

child

into her

needs

his

that they are there

appropriate and possible, but that he should, at a certain

in his life, leave

leaving

has

needed or her emotional dependence on him

takes precedence over his need for autonomy.

to help

who

with the child’s becoming independent and leaving home.

Her own need

own

he leave and

own autonomy.

Sometimes difficulty

insisting kindly

is

the nest.

He

needs

his parents' reassurance that

appropriate and healthy and not a rejection of him.

His readiness to leave the nest

and a vote of confidence by

is

a celebration of his coming of age

his parents in his ability to

assume the

responsibilities of adulthood.

Five Cardinal Rules

Here Parents.

is

a summary

They

list

of the Five Cardinal

Rules for Adoptive

are not always easy to follow, but they are, in

opinion, essential to the well-being of the adopted child.

134

my

The New Family

FIVE CARDINAL RULES •

NEVER THREATEN ABANDONMENT. expects, but

seems it

like

an

what the

It is

no matter how hard he pushes

what he wants.

•

FOR ADOPTIVE PARENTS for

it,

it

child

is

not

abandonment

In the short term, threatening

effective behavior modifier, but in the long term,

more

only raises anxiety and fosters

ACKNOWLEDGE YOUR CHILDS to your child,

“You shouldn't

right to his feelings. Feelings

acting out.

FEELINGS. Never

feel that

way.” Everyone has a

come from

person doesn’t have to act on

say

the unconscious.

his feelings,

A

and should take

responsibility for his behavior, but feelings are

what they

are.

They mean something and should be acknowledged and respected. •

ALLOW YOUR CHILD TO BE HIMSELF as able.

Withdraw expectations which are

proclivities,

•

and

talents

Adoptive mothers:

and value

fully

as he

is

alien to his personality,

his uniqueness.

DO NOT TRY TO TAKE THE PLACE

OF THE BIRTHMOTHER. You

both are your

child’s real

mother; she the real biological mother, and you the real nurturing mother.

The

child

can love more than one •

As

difficult as

it is

to

can love you both,

just as

you

child.

acknowledge,

AWAY YOUR CHILDS PAIN.

YOU CANNOT TAKE

He must work

it

through for

What you can do is acknowledge his feelings and provide the means by which he can work through his pain. himself.

135

CHAPTER

11

Adopting Older Children

Although the issues for adoptees are the same regardless of

at

what age they are relinquished and adopted, there are some things to consider

when adopting

older children. For instance, problems arise

from the numerous attachments and separations which occur when children are shuttled

from one

foster

home

to another. In addition to

attachment problems, adoptive parents of older children abuse

face

by members of their family of origin or by their

inflicted either

foster family or both.

may

These traumas place a great deal

upon the adoptive parents

for

understanding,

of responsibility

compassion, and

restraint in dealing with difficult behavior.

One Year Parents u

of Love.

who

one year of love

if

.

.

.

adopt older children are often told such things as for

each year of abuse” and are led to believe that

they can just love enough, these children

136

will

be

fine.

Of

course,

Adopting Older Children they never can, because the children don’t trust anyone or anything.

Why

should they? Although these children have essentially the

issues as those children

adopted

problems have been

at birth, the

exacerbated by repeated disappointments and

They are not going

enough

to be foolish

just

how

job

difficult their

to trust this relationship.

children are often people

who

disrupts the family

who adopt older have children, but who feel as People

resilient.

already

they want to help an unwanted

if

by the social

told

going to be. They have to be

is

extremely understanding, strong, and

attachments.

failed

Adoptive parents of abused children should be

workers

same

child.

The

child often completely

and disappoints the parents, who had some fantasy

about him and their

ability to

help him.

And

they certainly can help

him, but they have to pay attention to his signals.

The I

even

an

Issue of

Touch

mentioned adult).

infant,

earlier that

For an adoptee

touch

is

very important to any child (or

who was adopted

however, touch can be traumatic.

as a child, rather than as

Some

of these children

have been physically and/or sexually abused, and touch represents abuse.

he doesn’t have to worry about being abused

Telling the child that his present family

you,” are words

does not help.

many

child

won’t hurt you;

abusers use to seduce the

children should take their cues

The

“I

from the

child

1

child.

just

in

want to love

Parents of these

and proceed very

needs to protect himself against further abuse and

slowly.

loss.

Fear of Connection It is,

in fact,

a good idea to take

all

things slowly with older adoptees.

There may have been several attachments and separations the child, which

makes each subsequent attachment more

ness and suspicion

will

be evident

in

most

cases,

the

life

of

suspect. Wari-

even as one can detect

a real wish on the part of the child to be able to 137

in

trust that this will

be

The Primal Wound

whom

a family with

not translate into

trust.

No

how much

matter

his experience.

is

It

even begin to

It

the parents try to convince

abandon him, he

the child that they are not going to

happen.

The wish does

the adoptee can connect for good.

going to be very

is

expect

will

difficult for

it

to

him

to

Parents must understand this and not personalize

trust.

the child’s rejections of their efforts.

The

against being hurt again. Rejection

a hair-trigger for adoptees, especially

those

who have suffered These

not.

is

simply defending himself

several broken attachments, so adoptive parents

should not expect miracles. is

is

child

They need

even

to stay calm,

their child

if

can be very provocative and get the parents hooked

kids

into their system.

Many to admit

parents of older adopted children, even it,

if

they don't want

have some kind of missionary zeal involved

adoptions and are surprised, disappointed, and angry is

not grateful for their good intentions. Not only are

children not grateful, but they are angry, suspicious,

are

feelings

especially those

who have been

abused.

It

He was

in

hostile.

Such

foster

care,

doesn’t matter that the

adoptive parents have no intention of abusing him. that.

when the child many of these

and

who have been

normal for children

these

in

He

know home and

doesn’t

probably taken out of an abusive biological

may have been abusive. new situation and won’t for

put into the foster-care system, which also

He

has absolutely no reason to trust his

a long, long time,

To

if

ever.

these parents,

you were abusers or

I

want to say

this:

potential abusers,

let

If

the child treats you as

him know

that

if

you under-

stand his fears that he cannot yet trust you. Tell him to take his time

and

to

let

to him.

you know

He

happens

if

needs to

to him.

It

is

you are doing anything which seems threatening

feel as

if

he has some kind of control over what

essential that

abused children, especially

were sexually abused, get professional need and deserve

may make

Both you and the

they child

this help.

Meanwhile, don’t

he

help.

if

try to

defend yourselves against any accusations

against you. Just say that

138

you understand why he might

Adopting Older Children feel

way he does and

the

for himself

if

that

you know he

his feelings are valid for you.

project onto the adoptive parents

many

before and

much

of

have to

will just

Remember

find out

that adoptees

what has happened

to

them

of the feelings that they themselves have inside.

Arguing with them about

does absolutely no good

this

acknow-

;

ledging the feelings does.

Being Empathic

An

who

adoptee

has been

in several foster

homes

is

not going to

new family as his family right away. He has been disappointed too many times before. The new family should practice a little at a time to be a family. Do things that are fun, exciting, and silly, then allow accept this

time for the child to integrate the experiences. Have empathy with his past without being intrusive, listen without judgment, validate feelings,

and

understand his helplessness and sorrow.

try to

be able to communicate

his feelings overtly,

become acquainted with

Remember

that

children

is

may

periodically thereafter. This

experience with you.

Be

is

and

normal.

He may

He

of older

adopted

has to grow up

even wet the bed, which

that

it

must be tough to be

that

it

will

two-year-old,

if

take

he

some time

feels like

it.

in yet

for

another

him to

adjust. Let

him

in

may

home and

and

first

his

be a

let

him

that

you

combination of regression and anxiety. Don’t punish him. Just

know know

loss.

He wants

grieving.

regress to a younger age at

is

try to

patient!!

you may notice as parents

that the child

probably not

and parents should

he has suffered multiple losses and

of the things

will

his symbolic expressions of love

to be able to trust your love, but he can’t.

One

He

act like a

Just be as understanding as you can.

Understanding, patience, and acknowledgment of feelings are essential in

parenting older adopted children.

If

you begin to

feel rejected

by him,

let this

how he must be feeling inside, although strongly. And no matter how much he acts 139

act as a hint as to

a hundred times more out and

makes you

feel

The Primal Wound bad, you are the adult, you are the parents, and you

must be the ones

to remain in control of your reactions to your emotions. This

many

easy, as

do

of

so, get help.

wants

need to be

Don’t

be a martyr.

he

He

try to

will fight

is

ly

them a sense

his feelings

will feel like

he

the

same time he knows

how much

all,

they

deal.

They

he

it.

giving

feels the

isn’t.

Parents

fair.

may

thrive

that

for

order to

limits in

you

until

rebel against

important to adoptees, especially those

around a great

he acts out

rebelling against your control because

in control; at

matter

you cannot

and you have to be ready

you about them

have to be strong, and above

No

test,

If

not

find that

you

he wants boundaries; he wants

security;

feel safe, but

up. Don’t!

will find out. If

be the ultimate

overtly, this will

He

you know or

is

on

it,

limits are

extreme-

who have been moved

routine and consistency. This gives

of security. Often in their various

given mixed messages, so they need to

homes, they have been

know

that

what one says

is

what one means, and the verbal message must be consistent with the body language and the

facial

expressions. Children are not fooled by

words which do not match the unconscious expressions is

of

whoever

communicating with them.

Difficulties in

It

will

School

would be unfair to think that kids

do

well in school.

They are

full

who have been

of anxiety,

shuffled

around

which precludes

their

being able to concentrate for very long. Help them to do their best, but lower your expectations. great deal of tests or

Many

of these children are taking in a

more information than they

are able to put out in the forms

homework. Schools are very

limited in the

have for assessing children’s learning capacities,

methods they

intellectual

and/or

creative functioning, or acquired knowledge. Just because your child is

not functioning well in school does not

intelligent

It

is

and not

mean

that he or she

is

not

learning.

important for everyone involved in the education of these

children to understand that the reason these children have so

140

much

Adopting Older Children trouble

is

experiential, not biological. Children

abandonment, and keeping

fear

who

abandoned

feel

from happening again takes

this

energy and concentration away from academic pursuits. Children suffer

from

fetal

syndrome may have even more

alcohol

whose birthmothers

children

difficulty

who than

did not have substance abuse problems. u

However, any version of the bad seed” or defective gene pool theory as an explanation for adopted children’s academic problems sensical.

That whole theory

once and

to be buried

for

right out of the

is

and

may

all.

exacerbate the problem,

primary it

leaves

activities is

little

lifting

what

it

up is

its

like for

Many adoptees attention in class.

an altered

When

anxiety.

only

a child’s

less life-threatening

get an idea of what this hypervigilance

head and looking

signs of possible rejection

is

To

bird pecking in the garden. all

Notice

how

is

doing, he

the bird

is

around for signs of danger.

the adoptee. Even though he

consciously aware of what he

about

him with more

will

protecting himself from further abandonment,

such as school work.

constantly is

filling

more pressure on him

energy for concentrating on other

watch a

like,

This

becomes

activity

for their child’s

never be realized because of the child’s anxiety

concentrate. Putting

inability to

non-

dark ages and deserves

The expectations which many adoptive parents have academic standing

is

is

constantly

may

on the

not be alert for

—the potential for abandonment.

are easily distracted and do not

The daydreaming

that

many

seem

to be paying

teachers complain

state of consciousness often associated with

trauma

victims (which these kids are). Because of concentration problems,

adoptees have a great deal of trouble with finishing assignments and with testing.

Many

attention deficit

reasonable and

do

their

times

when

to

are classified as learning-disabled and suffering from

disorder (ADD).

flexible.

Although

homework and

to

do

all

children should be encouraged

their best in school, there

lowering the child’s anxiety

than his doing his homework. This

who may

Expectations should be kept

be measuring their

level

would be more important

is difficult

own worth

performance. 141

may be

to get across to parents

through their

child’s school

The Primal Wound

The Teachers Responsibilities ’

Perhaps one day someone

young students through

different

their anxiety will not paralyze it

these children from the

room

This

is

to reach these

ways of teaching and

them, and their

would be helpful

be realized. Meanwhile,

means

devise a

will

testing,

so that

intellectual potential will

teachers would not send

if

for behavioral or inattention problems.

a form of rejection and abandonment and only serves to raise

the anxiety level and to reinforce their belief in themselves as defective,

bad persons.

When

a child behaves inappropriately, one effective practice

is

to

put one’s hand on the child’s shoulder and say something to the effect:

“You seem

to be having a difficult time, Johnny.

down

put your head

(or get

Why

a drink of water or

sit

don’t you just in

the rocking

—rocking chairs are great soothers of anxious children)

chair

feel better able to get

until

you

on with your work. ” The simple acknowledgment

of the child’s feelings, rather than a criticism of his behavior, has a

calming and positive effect on him. Even the room,

it

is

he has to be isolated

if

him out

better than sending

of the

room

in

(rejecting

him). Teachers should evaluate the importance of their assignments. Is all

that

work”? as

It

homework is

really

necessary or

some (much)

is

of

it

“busy

important to be honest and to give anxious children only

much work

as they can handle.

Discussing the Biological Family Adopting an older

memory

of his biological family.

them because

means

child often

that the child has

He may have been

some

taken from

of abuse or neglect. Talking about the biological

parents becomes a sensitive issue. Although

such a child to say that his mother really probably remembers the abuse, neither ing remarks about

any

is it

makes no sense to loved him when he

it

right to

child’s biological parents,

the circumstances of the separation.

142

The

child

make

disparag-

no matter what

needs to be able to

Adopting Older Children express his anger about what happened to him, but the adoptive parents should acknowledge his feelings without voicing their own.

We

to be able to complain about our families, but

all like

don’t

hear anyone else doing so.

like to

Sometimes rather than it

we

talking about his anger, the child will act

out with the adoptive parents, especially the mother. This form of

“getting the anger out” can be quite abusive to the adoptive parent,

yet

some

rules

of

it

speech and behavior

for

One has to be more flexible about when one adopts abused children

has to be tolerated.

because of the anger abuse engenders. Allow the child to express

anger

verbally,

even

if

this

means swearing. Swearing

Try not to get too defensive when the swearing Don’t say,

“Why

when your

parents were abusing you.”

are you yelling at

me?

I’m the

As

I

to be grateful for

Empathize with the feelings to

one who took you

feelings,

and

try to get

are getting out of control.

said before, these children

and they have

try to direct the reactions to the

Get a punching

of expression.

your child to use them

Sometimes

when

things

verbalizing the feelings

going to be enough. These children are enraged, not part of their rage

in

it.

more appropriate means

bag or a trampoline and

only words.

directed at you.

is

did not ask for their lives to be manipulated in this way,

no reason

is

his

just

is

angry.

comes from having been taken away from

not

And their

no matter how abusive they were. Remember the quotation

parents,

from Judith Viorst

earlier in the book. In the child’s

from

even from an abusive

his parents,

situation,

eyes taking him

may seem more

abusive to him than staying with them.

Any adopting couple needs birthmother (and father, inheritance of the child.

if

he

is

to look at their attitudes toward the

known) as

Genes do count

of the child, but adopted children have

anyone which

else.

is

What they do have

is

in

no

well as toward the genetic

determining the personality better or

a deep and

worse genes than

difficult-to-heal

wound,

a result of a devastating experience and which takes a great

deal of patience and understanding to help heal.

143

The Primal Wound

The Wounded Parents Sometimes helping

their child to heal his

for the adoptive parents,

because

in the

wounds becomes

difficult

process of the child’s com-

municating his pain (by acting out the chaos and anger he feels

become wounded. What

the parents themselves

inside),

often happens

is

that

they then begin to respond to their

own

feelings of being rejected,

They

feel

inadequate as parents and

inadequate, and unappreciated.

angry about their apparent ineffectiveness, often taking out their

on the

tions

on the

child.

This sets up a circuitous pattern of rejecting behavior

part of both the parents

and the

child.

This

all

too often culminates

during adolescence with the child’s being kicked out of the in psychiatric

frustra-

treatment centers, or leaving of his

own

home, placed

volition.

Any

of

these scenarios leaves everyone feeling rejected and a failure.

Adoptive parents need not assume that they are ineffective parents just

because the child

usually responding to family.

However, the

As was stated before, the child is what happened before he entered the adoptive is

acting out.

child’s early

trauma should not be used as an

excuse for the couple to avoid exploring what marriage or

in their relationship

one

between couples

and

issues brought about by the introduction of

relationship

that

them

is

is

of the oft-cited deficits in a relationship,

an adopted

a

difficult

is

child into

one, and a good relationship between

essential for the well-being of the marriage

they have taken on

in their

often exacerbate any already established

will

problems. Their job

going on

with the child. Effective communica-

tion

is

is

parenting plus

.

.

and the

child.

What

.

Healing the Adoptive Parents As

difficult

as

it

is

to

do because

of the

demands made upon them

by the adoptee, the adoptive parents would do well to take good emotional care of themselves and their nonadopted children, in addition to caring for the adoptee.

It

might help them to keep

help him heal; they can’t take away experience.

He

will

his

in

mind

can only

pain nor eliminate his past

need to work the pain through 144

that they

for himself.

Adopting Older Children Adult adoptees

know an

who

that their parents

adult adoptee

need to

and then

feelings

and problems of

their

which

thing to

do

is first

any projections he may have toward

and to see them as they

his adoptive parents

in

her parents as

his or

The most important

to withdraw

surprised to

There are ways

heal, too.

can help heal the wounds of

well as those of the siblings.

to recognize

book might be

are reading this

own.

He

really are:

people with

can begin by checking out,

not only the true nature of the expectations his parents had for him, but

how

they

felt

about a multitude of things concerning him as he

was growing up. He may

he might be surprised to learn that they were wrong. have taken the

will

a

new way

first

step toward

some

In

their expectations for their

those they have for themselves, as well, and find ways in

is

especially true for the parents of children

and those who act

The mother,

out.

especially,

pressure to prove over and over again her

and her permanence

in his

the provocations and

who

has

any case, he

kind of reconciliation and

which to reward themselves as good parents. Their job one. This

right or

to relate to his adoptive parents.

The parents should examine not only child, but

were

find out that his perceptions

lived

life. It is difficult

demands can

through

it

is

a

difficult

who were abused

under tremendous

is

commitment

to imagine

to her child

how outrageous

and only an adoptive mother

get,

can know what

it

is like. It

generates a great

deal of pain for her, and her feelings toward her child are often

confusing.

She should know

not always have to

feel love for

education, and counseling. isolated. is

not a

She

that her feelings are normal:

her

child.

She needs

and that she

is

She does need support,

to get into groups to feel less

She needs

to

making a difference

in

also needs time to herself.

failure,

She does

know

that she

her child’s

life.

Taking Care of the Biological Children Sometimes parents who adopt older children already have children of their own. For those biological children, living with an adopted sibling, especially

if

he

is

an acting-out 145

child, is often

experienced as

The Primal Wound living

with a handicapped child

attention, leaving

to

them

who

feeling less important.

accommodate the adopted

90 percent of the They are often expected

requires

because he did not have the

sibling

advantage of being born into the family.

Although not necessarily wanting to

same way

adopted

that the

sibling

is

mother

relate to their

in the

relating to her, these children

are sometimes jealous of the intensity of the relationship between the

adopted

sibling

feeling of guilt

and

on the

A

been adopted.

their

mother. There

is

frequently a concomitant

part of the biological children at not having

great deal of overcompensation goes

for this (which, in

my

opinion, does not

either the adoptee or the other children).

seems unavoidable, however, because

work

Much

of the

killing

life

to the advantage of

need of the adopted

He

feels this to

or death. (The rest of the family often feel as

if

child

be a

were

it

them!)

A Word

About Fathers

Because most adoptees have never known portion of

my

their fathers, the

major

discussion has been directed toward the child’s relation-

ship with his mothers, biological and adoptive.

whom

make up

to

of the family dynamics

to be in constant control of the environment.

matter of

on

It

was the mother

to

the child was attached and probably bonded before birth, and

a mother with

whom

most adopted children tend to work out the

trauma of the severed bond. the father

may have been

In the

case of older children, however,

a part of that child's

life.

The

quality of that

relationship will help determine the level of trust a child will sub-

sequently have in the adoptive father. relationship

If

the biological father/child

was an abusive one, there may be ambivalent

feelings

toward the adoptive father as the available target for feelings of anger, disappointment, and fear. Even

if

there

was no abuse,

having been separated from his biological family adoptive father’s role

feelings about

may make

the

more immediate and more problematical than

would be the case had the

child

been adopted 146

at birth.

Adopting Older Children But fathers are not only important they are important in the

when a woman

that

in the lives of older

and

lives of all children,

I

am

adoptees;

of the opinion

considers having a child, whether biological or

adopted, without the presence of a father (or male role model) the child

lives,

will

be at a disadvantage. As

in their

the child

far as

is

concerned, mothers and fathers are not interchangeable. The child

needs both parents. child, but

it

is

A

father has

an important

role in the

a different role from that of the mother.

importance comes

later in the child's life

There comes a time

in

the

life

life

And

of his

his real

than that of the mother.

of every child

when

it

is

appropriate

move away from mother a bit in order to establish other emotional bonds. A father may be the best person to facilitate this. If a child doesn't move away from the mother in the safety of the relationship with the father, the child may end up enmeshed with her. The mother may then begin to use the child as the whole focus of her emotional life. This is too big a burden for any child, and a father can help make to

sure that this doesn’t happen.

two years

A

old, to

He can

begin, by the time the child

spend time alone with the

father can teach a child things which the

child

is

away from home.

mother cannot. He can

bring to the family a different dynamic from that of the mother.

A

father’s influence

them

to

different it

will

lives of his children

impact on the boys from that on the it

is

and women, boys and doubts

and

his relationship

be different from those of the mother, and

or not, whether

who

on the

this

the result of girls

girls.

will

have a

Whether we

like

hormones or environment, men

are different from one another. (Anyone

should read Deborah Tannen’s wonderful book

You

Just Don't Understand.) These differences are evident from a very

young age and need not be seen as problematic.

A

Chip Off the Old Block In

me

counseling individuals and families,

that

most children

feel

pressure to

147

it

live

has become apparent to

up

to

some preconceived

The Primal Wound expectations coming

more from

the father than from the mother.

Mothers are more apt to be seen as giving unconditional love than

whose approval many people

fathers,

Fathers of adopted children,

feel

who have no

therefore lack similar inherited

they have never attained. biological connection

must be especially

traits,

avoid any expectation that their children

will

live

out their unfulfilled dreams. (Of course, this

of

any

child, but

already very

them

good

true in adoptive families.)

is

true of

any father

Adopted children are

and any attempt to mold

at living the false self,

into the father’s

careful to

follow in their footsteps

or

more

and

image of what he or she should be

serve to bury deeper the true self and feed the fuel of

like will

only

accompanying

conscious or unconscious rage. Fathers, therefore, can help their children tremendously by encouraging

own

and fostering

their children’s

innate interests and talents, which can often be observed in the

young

play and other activities of

Father's Support for the

Because the mother in

a family, she

In

an adoptive

is

family, the

because the child most often All the

Mother

is still

the one

children.

the one

who does most

who has most mother often feels that the

of the nurturing

contact with the children. feels the

most

criticized,

mother was the abandoner.

subsequent feelings of abandonment therefore must be worked

out with the mother figure.

The

many

father’s support of the

adoptive mothers say that their husbands do not give this support.

Because he is

mother becomes very important, yet

often

is

not having the

critical

same

for further insubordination child

is,

he

of her, accusing her of provoking the confrontations

which occur between her and the

and

trouble with the child that she

and

child.

This gives the child

more

fuel

triangulates the family, with the father

forming an alliance against the mother.

If

the father could

begin to understand the true nature of the conflict between his wife and child

and

offer his support to her, the

bond between the two

would become stronger, which would benefit the whole 148

of

family.

them

Adopting Older Children

Adoptive Parents

Do Make

a Difference

Adoptive parents have a great responsibility and a unique relationship to their adopted child or children. Despite the tions

which can occur

wounds

heal their

of their child, but they

own wounds.

expectations placed

who

children.

who might

tribula-

make a

otherwise be kept in

which are detrimental to them. They can and must help to

situations

parents

and

these families, they can and do

in

difference in the lives of children

heal the

trials

It

take

Their roles are often misunderstood and the

upon them overwhelming,

on the enormous

would be helpful

from people

must also help one another

who have had

for

those

especially

responsibility of adopting older

them

to

form groups to gain support

or are having similar experiences, and to

help them overcome their feelings of isolation.

Adopting any

from the

child

who

biological family

is

has experienced the trauma of separation a challenge, but

the emotional scarring of children

when one adds

who have

to that

experienced multiple

separations and traumas, the challenge often seems overwhelming.

These children need an enormous amount of patience, understanding,

and a lowering of expectations about

care, their

and

own

response to that love and care. Meanwhile society can help by having a

more

realistic attitude

toward adoption

149

in all its

myriad aspects.

CHAPTER

12

Reunions as a Means of Healing the Adoption Triad

One

of the

ways

for adoption triad

in

which society might help the healing process

members would be

adoptees and birthmothers wish to search

is

who

to withhold

judgment about those

are searching for one another. Their

a healthy response to their early bonding and subsequent

separation experiences and does not reflect any wish to hurt anyone Often, however, as in the case of divorce, people think that they

else.

have to take

sides,

which implies that they are /or one

against the other. This the triad

members I

itself,

same

side and, therefore,

mentality, unfortunately,

is

evident within

thus hindering the very freedoms for which

many

triad

believe they are fighting.

have written

this

book because

I

believe the connection

between

birthmother and child to be profound. Their individual yearning to

may be what keeps them both in a state of Even when adoptees do not acknowledge their

re-establish their relationship

limbo for so

need to

many

years.

find their birthmothers, they often identify with her in

150

some way.

Reunions as a Means of Healing the Adoption Triad Several years ago

many adoptees and

woman

young

not see

why

attended a conference on adoption where

I

birthmothers related their reunion stories.

stood up and

seemed so important

it

didn't

for

all

said that she did

those adoptees to go

She had a wonderful adoptive mother.

looking for their birthmothers.

She

an emotional voice

in

One

need her birthmother.

she believed

In fact,

in

adoption so

when she gave birth at age sixteen (the same age her birthmother had been when this young woman was born), she relinmuch

that

quished the baby, knowing that adoptive mother,

woman. She

understanding if

who was

would be well taken care

it

next to her, seemed

sitting

said that

it

was

perfectly

all

like

of.

Her

a warm,

right with

her

her daughter did want to search. They probably did have a very

good

relationship, but

room who young

didn't

I

don't think there

realize

woman was

that,

was a

professional in the

even though unacknowledged, that

identifying with her birthmother by repeating her

pattern of getting pregnant at age sixteen and relinquishing her baby.

The

pull to

to being a to

repeat the pattern

way

in

original

relinquishment,

mothers

who

can't

to having

it is

making

the eyes of the adoptee. Perhaps a

edgment would be preferable to

unconscious, yet very

to identify with the birthmother,

condone the

normal

is

real. In

addition

often an attempt it

more

legitimate

overt acknowl-

more and more babies born

keep them.

In addition to alleviating the

need to repeat the pattern of the

birthmother, finding her might also serve to relieve the anxieties

by adoptees

who doubt

their adoptive

effect, so that there are

permanency

the

of their relationship to

no longer the urges

to run

or engage in other self-defeating behaviors. his breath

breathing again. There

Reunions can help

all

felt

Reunions often seem to have a calming

parents.

had been holding

and

is

for

all

It

is

away from home as

if

the adoptee

those years and could begin

a release of tension and a renewal of

life.

the adoptee's relationships, including that with

the adoptive parents.

Whatever helps the adoptee adoptive parents. After

all,

in

will

help the relationship with the

adopting a 151

child,

adoptive parents

The Primal Wound promise to do everything

implicitly

for their child.

Searching for the birthmother

may be

the adoptee. There the

power

in their

difficult for

everyone concerned.

Because of

this suffering, the

Even

is

the

in the best interest of

anticipated. Searches are

have been

All

not

is

answered and a sense of continuity

The adoptee

best

hurt. All are suffering.

dynamics of reunions can be unpre-

the reunion

if

is

anxiety connected with the search, and

outcome may not be what the adoptee

dictable.

is

do what

to

member

reason to search. Birthmothers

however, questions are

ideal,

is

established for the adoptee.

of the triad with the

may

also

most compelling

want to search, and many

adoptees want to be found. But a birthmother should search only she knows she

will

be

willing to

“hang

in there"

if

no matter what the

adoptee does. Under no circumstances should a birthmother search if

there

again!

is

any

possibility at all that she

might abandon her child

she has expectations for her long-lost child as requisites

If

for establishing a relationship with him,

if

she doesn’t think she

some

could stand the heartache should he “abandon" her (which

adoptees do

in

an unconscious attempt to

then she should not search.

A

let

her

know how

second abandonment

devastating for the adoptee as the

first

is

one was, and

it

felt),

almost as it

is

much

more conscious. Everyone should keep ces of the relinquishment, the child; he his

life.

cut off

He from

is

the only one

who

his birthright

Of

all

the

—

members

who

up

and

of the triad, he

connection

his

is

the only one

a helpless infant with no conscious understanding of what

He

is

has had absolutely no control over

his genealogical roots

to him, the only

all.

no matter what the circumstan-

no one has been more manipulated than

was happening at

that

has been manipulated from the beginning, having been

to his mother.

who was

mind

in

is

to both

the one

one who had no choice

in

the matter

has to be considered before anyone

mothers to keep

this in

else.

It

mind. Regardless of their feelings,

they must take responsibility for their behavior and actions towards

him, so that their child can begin to heal. will they.

152

As he begins

to heal, so

Reunions as a Means of Healing the Adoption Triad

Searching

—Emotionally Charged for Everyone

Despite the potential for healing which reunions represent, per-

haps nothing brings to the fore everyone's feelings so much as search

and reunion experiences. The ever-present

in

of a

second abandonment

is

minds of each and every adoptee who con-

the

templates searching.

fear

The

fear of being rejected by her child

is

forefront

who begin to search. After all, she thinks, it is she who gave him up; why would he want her now? And the fear of losing her child to the biological mother is experienced by many adoptive mothers. Even though the reality may be much less threatenin

the minds of birthmothers

ing than the fear

these fears must not be taken

itself,

lightly.

Fear can

immobilize one contemplating search, often prolonging the period

between the itself.

initial

and the

idea of undertaking search

actual search

Moreover, any attempt to reveal the profundity of the biological

connection causes fear to be projected out into society, where some-

one ends up being labeled the “bad guy.” The anger and

frustration,

which are triggered by many aspects of the adoption process, need

an

outlet,

that target

an external is

often

target. Unfortunately for

some member

of the triad

everyone concerned,

itself.

The “Bad Gay” Syndrome The Adoptee as :

unstable,

society, as the

“good enough” parents

(to

all,

He was

“bad guy.”

and perhaps even pathological

his biological parents. After

for

Bad Guy”

and reunion movement, the adoptee was

Early in the search

most often by

“

if

seen as ungrateful,

he voiced an

he grew up

in

labeled,

interest in finding

a nice home, usually with

borrow Winnicott's term), so to go out looking

someone whom he “never knew” was seen as abnormal. Many

adoptees had to find

need

socially

accepted reasons for searching, such as a

for medical history, in order to justify

an inherent urge to

find their

roots and their connection with the lost mother.

Yet searching

wound and calm

is

a

critical

means by which

the anxiety which manifests

self-limiting or self-destructive behaviors.

153

to heal the primal

itself

in

a variety of

Searching for that biological

The Primal Wound actually a healthy,

somewhat

and those

terrifying, thing to do,

past

is

who

search should be seen as having a kind of strength and courage

which

is

to

be envied, not

acknowledge the society

who

if

those

still

our

in

searching adoptees are ungrateful and uncaring

about their adoptive parents’ feelings. There that the adoptive parents’ feelings pale in feelings experienced by their child

anyone should be

now

Although many people

searching, there are

validity of

feel that

vilified.

often a failure to realize

is

comparison to the painful

due to that early separation.

If

the adoptive parents.

If

grateful for adoption,

it

is

they are having problems with the idea of their child’s searching, they

need

own issues of “ownership” or own insecurities, and their need

to look into their

their children, their

control of their adult children’s

Our

one adoptee

still

be

in

lives.

many adoptees who

told

to

bodies continually assert the adoptive parents’ right

legislative

of possession, as

possession of

me,

am

“I

fifty

begin to search have discovered.

years old and

I

still

have to have

As

my

my life.” Who has

adoptive parents’ permission to gain access to court records about

Or, as B.

J. Lifton said,

“An adopted

child

can never grow up.

ever heard of an adopted adult?” Not the courts. Not our society.

So, in addition to the fear of another abandonment or

some

kind

of rejection by the birthmother, the adoptee has to weather the ridicule of a society which doesn’t understand the tremendous

urge to heal the

wound

reunions are often

who

of that original separation.

difficult

and can cause

and health y

It

is

true that

further pain, but

anyone

has been manipulated the way adoptees have has a right to

search. Difficulties are often a result of misunderstandings about the

process of the reunion relationship

itself.

The next chapter

a better understanding of that process, which

is

will

explore

necessary to successful

reunions and the potential for healing which they represent.

u

The Birthmother as Bad Guy" As more and more adoptees undertook a abnormality began to wear

off,

and the “bad guy” 154

search, the stigma of label

became

less

and

Reunions as a Means of Healing the Adoption Triad But as birthmothers, too, began to search, the “bad guy”

less applicable.

label

began to be applied to her. After all, here was the

abandoning

terrible

mother, looking for a child she had decided that she could not keep.

She had made her choice and should have to change her mind to intrude into the

happy

What right did she have

after

with

that time?

all

lives of

stick

it.

What

What

right did

right did

she

she have

the adoptive family and cause turmoil?

to challenge society’s ideas about

what

constitutes

a family? the meaning of motherhood? the power of the environment to

mold

personalities? the right of society to manipulate lives? Birth-

mothers made a wonderful target cases they bought into

Many

it

for the

u

bad guy”

label,

and

in

some

themselves.

birthmothers have been afraid to intrude into the

their children’s adoptive

families.

They know

many

that

lives of

adoptive

parents feel threatened by the very idea of their coming back into their children’s lives.

Yet they have no intention of trying to replace

the adoptive parents as the parents, and most wait until the adoptee is

no longer a

public

still

child before beginning the search.

finds

it

difficult

their adult children

Even

so, the general

to accept that these biological mothers and

have a

right to find

one another. That adoptive

may be

parents

may

society

seems so bent on being judgmental about

find search threatening

better understanding of her predicament

understandable, but that

may

it

puzzling.

is

A

help society suspend

judgment and, instead, look upon the birthmother with compassion.

Understanding the Birthmother The pain and dilemma as

we view

for the birthmother should not be overlooked,

the trauma from the point of view of the adoptee. Very

often the choice of relinquishment

is

forced

upon

her.

One

hears birth-

mothers using such terms as “surrender,” when referring to

relinquish-

ment. (One can almost picture a gun being pointed at her head!)

most

cases, the

mother bonds with the

yearning to keep him. Yet the one

who

broke the

rules.

in

child in utero

and has a covert

the eyes of society, she

She had sex and got 155

In

caught.

is

perceived as

She

is

punished

The Primal Wound for this

by being cut

off

preparation for her role. bind:

She

is

from others, with no access to education or

When

discouraged from having any contact with

and abandoning as a

unfeeling

She

she has the baby, she

is

put in a double

is it,

then considered

doing what she

result of

is

told.

often denied access to adequate counseling and feels

pressured and even coerced into giving up her child. She the opportunity to feel self-worth as a mother.

She

is

is

not given

often unable to

experience the child as real or to accept the relinquishment as

She

is,

Because of her part

unable to grieve.

therefore,

separation from the child and the fact that the child is

allowed no

rituals

During their

loss.

real.

in

the

is still alive,

she

which might help her to accept and mourn her

lifetimes,

many

birthmothers

will

experience issues

concerning family, sexuality, career, attachment, intimacy, and commitment. Most of these

women

but are unaware of

or ambivalent about

women go

these

it

for help

some

stage of unresolved grief,

may be

whom

(Therapists to

it.

need to be aware of

Although a birthmother

this.)

dealing with inconsolable pain and

she cannot undo what has happened, and must work through the

grief,

grief

are in

and

learn to accept her history. Often the reunion will bring this

to the fore by her realization,

upon the meeting,

longer a baby (something she of course heart)

and

that those lost years

individual or

knew

in

that her child

her head,

if

can never be recovered. She

group therapy to help her

in this process.

not

is

in

no her

may need

Breaking the

silence of

what was often a secret pregnancy, whether by means of the

search or

some other method, means that

for everyone. This

is

debilitating aspects of

A

the

wounds have

to be

opened

healthy in the long run, because one of the most

any person’s

life is

secrets.

Double Loss In

Often

many in

cases the birthmother

may be

dealing with a double loss.

the case of pregnancy, because of a denial of responsibility

or unresolved blame and

guilt,

the relationship between the birth-

156

Reunions as a Means of Healing the Adoption Triad mother and

birthfather

comes

each blames the other. Even might be beneficial issues their

if

an end. Both

to if

feel

out of control and

the relationship does need to end,

the partners could at least try to resolve the

between them and mourn

Depending on

their loss together.

age and maturity, they could be of great comfort to one another.

Unfortunately, strikes, at the

they cannot

as

very time

seem

is

true

when

when

other relationships

in

one another. There

is

often a great

is

often distorted and gets displaced onto

the agency, adoptive parents, or one another. This anger

defense against the sadness, which both sorrow.

It

go on with blame, and

and work through

their lives without the guilt.

They must move on

feel.

mother and make

their feelings, so that

burdens of unresolved

These unresolved

recognized that

many

to

order

in

each could

grief,

anger,

feelings often paralyze the birth-

impossible for her to “get on with her

it

often a

is

would be helpful to seek some kind of counseling

to acknowledge

tragedy

the partners could truly help each other,

to be there for

deal of anger involved, which

now

it

life.” It is

birthfathers are also in a perpetual state

of unresolved grief over the loss of their children.

The Impact on the Extended Family The impact

of giving birth to a

baby who

put up for adoption

is

does not end with the birthmother or birthfather. all

family relationships.

etc.

The extended

It

has an impact on

family feels the loss, grief,

There are often rescue fantasies by other members of the

as well as guilt child

is

a

first

felt

guilt,

family,

by the mother’s parents. Often the relinquished

grandchild, which creates a profound sense of loss in

the birth parents’ parents.

If

the birth of the child

from some family members and

friends, this puts

is

kept a secret

an added burden

upon those who know to hide their grief and remain stoic in the face of their loss. The keeping of secrets, whether within the adoptive family or the birth family, will exacerbate the feelings of anger, shame,

and

guilt,

and delay the healing powers

of the grieving process. Often

the decision of the birthmother to search

157

is

the

first

time

many

The Primal Wound

members

of the family will have heard of her original loss. Most,

when

they do learn of her pain, wish they had been told so they could have

supported her during that

Problems

time

difficult

her

in

life.

the Birthmother s Nuclear Family

in

The unresolved

conflicts within the birthmother herself will affect

her relationships with her future husband and children,

does get married and have more children.

marry and

from secondary

suffer

38 percent

statistics,

away" her

first child,

Some

lost

baby and

They have a

them

she

fail

infertility.

indeed, she

birthmothers

According to

to conceive again.

fail

to

reliable

Because she “gave

often think of herself as an unfit mother,

will

have more children or unable to care for them

either unable to

properly.

of

Many

if,

of those

find

it

secret

who do

difficult

give birth again feel disloyal to the

to think of themselves as

and may be found

out!

It

good mothers.

would help

if

society

could understand the anguish experienced by these mothers and treat

A

them with respect and compassion.

birthmother certainly needs the

understanding and respect of her husband, not only

in

her sorrow,

but in her need to search for that child.

Reconnecting as a Part of the Healing Process In relinquishing

one

else

felt

that

her she

relinquished child feels

child,

the birthmother did what she or some-

had to do. Although her

abandoned are probably

fears

true, this

that

her

does not

mean that she must forever chastise herself for that relinquishment. It means that she has to accept what has happened and allow herself to mourn her loss, whether it is the loss of the child or the loss of those early years Self

in his

or her

life.

She needs

to regain her sense of

and to reframe the experience, so that her

past can be altered and the

One

of the

lost child.

wound begin

ways she can begin

And many

of these

attitude

toward the

to heal.

to heal

is

to reconnect with her

mothers have taken that courageous 158

Reunions as a Means of Healing the Adoption Triad step toward reunion, because the urge to search overpowered the fear of rejection by the child, the threat this might pose to the adoptive

parents, or the disapproval of our society.

no matter what anyone wants that mother to But as

said earlier,

I

if

And

is

it

my

on some

else thinks, every adoptee,

find

him or her

opinion that

—wants to know that she

level,

cares.

the birthmother does choose to search, instead

of waiting for her child to find her, she must be prepared to allow the

adoptee to control the relationship after reunion. Many adoptees have

been hurt by

their birthmother’s requirements for a relationship, or

by her impatience with pace.

If

need to process the reunion

his

she can allow him to control the process, then her search for

her child in

itself

to search, reunite, to be another

u

can be healing for him. As birthmothers do begin

and form an

alliance with the lost child, there

u

in.

Bad Guys”

one attends adoption conventions, where one meets many

who have

adoptees and birthmothers relatives, there is often

the adoptive parents.

searched and found their

an undercurrent of negative

Many

adoptive parents feel

by the members of the other two sides of the attend another convention. is

needs

bad guy.” That’s where the adoptive parents come

Another Shift in Roles: The Adoptive Parents as If

own

at his

What

feelings

this, feel

triad,

lost

toward

shunned

and vow not to

the adoptive parents

may

be feeling

the reassignment of the role of “bad guy” to them.

Adoptive parents do have feelings about reunions, and some of

them have not been very their children search.

enthusiastic or cooperative about helping

However, pinning

labels

take the time to understand their feelings

is

on them and

no more

failing to

helpful than

blaming the birthmother for giving up her child or the adoptee for manipulated. Everyone

not being grateful for having had his

life

yearning for understanding, yet triad

members

understanding of one another. This

own and

understand our

own

is

159

are often not very

unfortunate, because

feelings,

if

is

if

we

don’t

we cannot acknowledge and

The Primal Wound empathize with one another’s

how can we

feelings,

expect those

do so?

outside the triad to

Search and the Adoptive Mother It is

not

why many

to understand

difficult

adoptive mothers are not

overjoyed by the idea that their children want to search. After years of struggle

and constant turmoil

witnessing their children relate

than to them

(it’s

more

whom

is

wonder why they subjected themselves for this result.

The

(just

an

may

mother knows

intellectual idea

birthmother

change forever

will

the unknown. That’s what

We

are

all

understand

her heart

in

is

it

try to

to have

up a to

imagine

been

child.

It

it,

relinquished.

possible to

is

know them.

Nor can

In the

life

to love

same way,

and care

lied to

and get on with her

about

life,

intellectual

been

relin-

thing every adop-

one another. That's

which only those

who

know. For instance, although

me

to truly

know what

I

it

know what

feels like to

it

is like

have given

don’t believe that a person

know how

for as one’s

cannot get quite close enough to birthmother was

an

do

understand another’s experiences, but not

not had the experience can really one’s

I

feelings,

truly

impossible for

is

it

One

to

little

so scary.

mercy of powerful

at the

better.)

it

is

relation-

that her child’s reuniting with her

have experienced the same events can can

and has

for having

their relationship to

makes

and pain

rejection

as the reason for their relinquishment

quished, although they

I

much

which does not make adoptees feel better

idea,

tive

is

to so

may enhance their own

idea that the reunion

ship with their adopted child

with feelings

mothers

else’s

some undeniable, indefinable and makes many adoptive parents

there

mysterious and scary

It is

everyone

easily to

they then see their children yearning to find

safer!),

that magical person with

connection.

the home, after the aching agony of

in

truly

how

it

feels to take

own, yet always

bond with

easy

it

who

has

a baby into

feel

as

if

one

that child. Just as the

would be to give up her baby

adoptive parents have been

lied to

about the

ease with which these babies would accept them as parents. (Perhaps “lie” is

too strong a word, since most of what was told both mothers

160

Reunions as a Means of Healing the Adoption Triad had more to do with ignorance than with

malice.) Nevertheless, neither

the birth parents nor the adoptive parents are prepared for the impact of separation

If

and

one adds

loss.

to that the constant provocation, defiance, hostility,

and aggression of those adopted children who

becomes

why

anxiety, frustration,

and rage,

especially mothers,

must have a special kind of strength

Many, perhaps as a

survive.

do

as the

not,

it

clear

result of their

adoptive parents,

order to

in

own abandonment

show. They are

statistics

left

own

act out their

feeling

issues,

inadequate,

discounted, rejected (often actually “abandoned" themselves by their

counterphobic, runaway children), and looked upon by society as not

having been loving and caring enough.

understandable, therefore, that the adoptive mother

It is

well feel threatened

could of

all

adhere to the

God and

feelings

and hurt by her

that

altruistic

child’s desire to search.

idea that

no parents “own"

would not be so prevalent. But,

all

their children,

at least in our

in their perceptions.

no exception,

some

years of therapy or

some

very

If

we

people are the children

few people are so cosmic unless like

may

perhaps these

Western

culture,

Adoptive parents are

of us, they have struggled through

kind of soul-searching with their child to the

point of being spiritually and psychologically ready to “relinquish" the child herself into a different kind of relationship

she

came

the beginning. This

in

is

not easy.

It

of the personal into that of the transpersonal. to

do

that

(including

some

birthmothers).

In

from that

into

which

goes from the realm

Not everyone

is

the meantime,

ready it

is

important to recognize, acknowledge, and accept without judgment that the adoptive parents

may

be feeling rejected and threatened.

The adoptive mother must be allowed

to admit that she feels

threatened by the birthmothers coming back into the

She may

feel

something

like

all

the

room

is

of their child.

the mother in a divorce case, where she

the responsibility of making sure that the

has

life

homework

is

done and

clean, while the father gets the fun of having the kids every

other weekend and going to the zoo. Although this 161

may

not be the

The Primal Wound where the

reality (in either divorce, in

the day to day

feels that

may be

life

may want

father

way she

feels.

She has done

the child’s having been in pain, this

birthmother waltzes into the child’s

be there (which she does). And, at of the reunion, the adoptive

it

work); then the

difficult

and acts as

least during the

mother

that nurturing),

all

the work (and because of

all

was very

life

more say

where the birthmother

of the child, or adoption,

she would give anything to have done

the

to have

she has a right to

if

“honeymoon’’ phase

feels left out, discounted,

and a

hindrance to the reunion process. While she has every right to her feelings about this, she

does not have the

right to interfere with the

reunion between the biological mother and right to

child.

be together transcends any feelings she

does not have conscious control over her

may have about

feelings, but

and

ings

one

is

a very important distinction

intellectual understanding.

thing; being expected to like

she does have

it is

is

another. Adoptive mothers, and

is

instinct,”

on some

between the adoptee and

know

this.)

as primal, mystical, mysterious, and a barrier to her

own

the birthmother. (Adoptive mothers with biological children is felt

feel-

Helping their children search

perceive what a strong bond there

This

She

actions.

perhaps especially those with the most “mother level

it.

—over her —the difference between

control over her response to her feelings

This

Their fundamental

bonding with her adopted

child.

As her

child begins to search for his

mother, she may, indeed, experience a pang of apprehension, a

first

concretizing of her long-held feeling that she has never been able to

replace that lost mother. part.

It

isn’t. It

be better didn’t,

It

was an impossible goal

the

a

place,

first

failure

on her

and she would

regretting

what she

what she couldn't do. ,

has been

all

my

experience, in talking and working with adoptive

most of the parents believe that

someday. Most, yet

in

this as

what she did do than

off recognizing

families, that

it;

She may experience

if

their children will search

they are being honest, have mixed feelings about

say that they

will

help their children

Meanwhile, they are interested

in

the

idea

when of

the time comes.

trying

to

update

information about the birth parents, believing that both the informa-

162

Reunions as a Means of Healing the Adoption Triad tion

and the search

improve

will

their childrens self-esteem

who

These, of course, are parents

of Self.

and sense

are already aware of

adoption issues and are helping their children work them through. Unfortunately for both themselves and their children, there are

some

who

adoptive parents out there

believe that the signing of

still

those original relinquishment and adoption papers severed not only the legal rights and responsibilities of the biological parents, but the psychological, emotional, children as well. This

widens the

is

and

between them and

spiritual ties

wishful thinking, a denial of reality, which only

between adoptive parents and

gulf

their

their children.

The Feelings of the Birthmother toward Adoptive Parents The adoptive mother’s comes even

greater

if

alienation

from the reunion process be-

the birthmother criticizes her role as their child’s

mother and harbors resentment towards the birthmother

home.

may

find out that

all

her.

If

the adoptee acted out,

was not wonderful

in the

adoptive

Failing to understand the impact of the original separation

the child, she

may blame

enough parents.

the adoptive parents for not being good

she

In addition,

may

feel

a great deal of resentment

toward the adoptive mother for having been the one to have done the nurturing of their child (and,

not having done

it

right).

these feelings, or she

may

on

if

all

there are problems, blame her for

may be

Yet she

feel guilty for

reluctant to

acknowledge

having them. These, too, are

which must be owned and acknowledged and which are

feelings

completely understandable but they must not cloud her judgment ,

when

it

comes

to

how

she acts

in

her relationship with her child and

his adoptive parents. In the long run, this

relationship with

Fler feelings

who

feel

as

if

him as

would

interfere with her

well as with them.

may become

extreme, as with those birthmothers

the adoptive parents stole her child from her and that

adoption should be abolished altogether so that pregnant

would not be coerced into giving up

their babies.

any prospective parents out there to take him, 163

“If I

women

there hadn’t been

wouldn’t have been

The Primal Wound Her pain

put in that position," she reasons.

reasoning

The

specious.

is

is

understandable, but her

dearth of good foster

whose parents are unable or

unwilling to care for

And although

adoptive parents/no adoptable children argument. is

homes for children them belies the no there

often a lack of honest counseling for the birthmother and a subtle

or not-so-subtle kind of coercion which

goes on

still

proceedings, the blame for what happened to her

Birthmothers must understand that

which needs to be reformed.

it is

may

It

may

adoption

in

be misplaced.

the institution of adoption

not be

fair

blame the

to

unconscionable acts performed by adoption agencies or attorneys

upon the prospective adoptive

parents.

the ancient instinct to parent.

It

is

Most of them are

natural to

and many adoptive parents are unaware

of

want

what

is

just following

to have children,

being said to the

birthmothers by agencies, attorneys, or other adoption

They have been

to as

lied

much

facilitators.

as the birth parents have, often

because of ignorance, but sometimes because of self-serving greed on the part of the adoption-for-profit facilitators. Most prospective adoptive

parents have not been counseled as to the differences between

biological

and adoptive

that they

work through

is

often the

families,

number one

nor has

it

been recommended to them

their infertility issues.

Socio-economic status

criterion for selecting these parents, not their

understanding of the issues or their psychological/emotional readiness for taking

On

on

this responsibility.

many pregnant women, even when

the other hand,

honest counseling, are

still

choosing to give up their babies. They simply

ignore their pain or the potential for pain.

devastating the loss of their child

Some of them have

(who

truly

talk

do want her

is

I’ll

have spent

many

frustrating

to understand

how

going to be and

how profound

their

complained to the prospective adoptive parents

to

know what she

her into keeping her baby. Denial

mechanism!

I

women

hours trying to get some of these young

pain.

receiving

be seeing some of these

when the many cases, it

is is

doing) that still

women

I

am

trying to

a wonderful defense in

my

office

twenty

years from now,

realization of their loss finally catches

with them. In

is

maturity and hindsight which

164

up

now makes

— Reunions as a Means of Healing the Adoption Triad the searching birthmother so wise. different decision those

fused,

many

and vulnerable. She

She may or may not have made a

when she was

years ago

so young, con-

have had better counseling

certainly should

and much, much more support, understanding, and compassion.

The Adoptee

—Caught

the Middle

in

The adoptee, meanwhile, guilty for everything that

adoptive mothers to

like

the mother and father to

For instance,

it

of

each other, like

has been

depends upon

their adoptive parents

them which

feels

often caught in the middle and feels

happening.

may

He would

just as children of divorce

feelings that

my

he

willingly help

want to

them

threatened by the idea.

me?” The

adoptive relationship. while leaving

makes him It

him

feel

fear of rejection

The

my

There

feeling uncomfortable

me? Are

they trying

a ubiquitous element of the

and

guilty, at

the

same time

cared for and important.

who wish to search how they actually feel

to check

about

it.

parents feel threatened by the idea, although most adoptees

think that they would be.

Some

adoptive parents, whose adopted

children have found their birth parents without their having

aware

a part

adoptive parents

would be important for adoptees

all

is

overt or covert “fight" over the adoptee,

out with their adoptive parents as to

Not

is

(and

readily admit that

search.

“If

want

the other

some adoptees

observation that

their age) don't

On

and

not owning.

is

are so willing to help, do they really care about to get rid of

like for his birth

one another and get along.

may have some

hand, he also

this largely

is

is

of the search, say that they wish that they

been

had known, because

they would have helped, and they could have saved their children from the anxiety of worrying about their feelings.

Healing the Triad It

would be

look into their

my recommendation

own

souls

that

all

triad

and assess what they are 165

members

honestly

truly feeling.

Those

The Primal Wound no doubt appropriate and make sense

feelings are

apologized

These

history.

individual's

for.

But

if

do not have

feelings

they are not owned, they

we

If

expect people outside the adoption

be projected upon

get in the

another

of the

to be denied or

will

member of the triad. Such projections understanding among triad members.

light

in

triad to

way

of true

comprehend the

complexity of the adoption process, to empathize with the need for

more honesty and openness

in

adoption laws, to

understand

try to

the paradoxical feelings and emotions which permeate the adoption

experience and

how

painful those experiences have

been

for

all

three

we must first do all this ourselves. We cannot expect from others that which we have not been able to do ourselves. We have all heard the adage: Physician, heal thyself. Perhaps we can amend it to fit our circumstances: Triad, heal thyself. sides of the triad, then

Reunions can play an important part

in that healing process.

mothers put the well-being of the adoptee

first,

importance of reaching out to one another

back

or

in fear

has had her to her

own

own in

There

is

It

than drawing

to see things. Everyone

perspective, which lead

important to allow those perceptions to

is

order to understand the perceptions of others. Both

right or partially right. In

acknowledging

one another as we love our

love

own

both

begin to see the

will

in love, rather

no one way

experience as well as her

perceptions.

be challenged

can be

hostility.

we

If

child.

commodity, to be rationed out or hoarded.

become an extended

this

Love It is

is

we can

learn to

not a quantitative

possible for the triad to

family, with the best interests of the

adoptee as

the motive for our learning to accept and love one another.

If

this

sounds

the healing pitfalls,

discuss

like

power

some

kind of utopia, perhaps

it is,

of the reunion process, there are

many

inherent

which need to be overcome as the process progresses. As

some

of these pitfalls

and

their

remedies

in the

cannot over-emphasize the necessity to understand

on as

because, despite

paradoxical,

and

and balance of which

I

I

next chapter,

much

of

I

I

what goes

appeal to both mothers for a sense of fairness

believe

most

women

166

to be capable.

CHAPTER

13

The Reunion Process

Reunions are very emotional. that the reunion

was

with their child, and child doesn’t care

relationship

I

perfect

I

have heard some birthmothers say

and they have a wonderful

have held others as they cried and said that

and never phones or even

may be

quite different

writes. In

It

puzzling for the birthmother as the adoptive relationship

Sometimes everything seems

to

be going along

the birthmother doesn’t hear from her child for months puzzled, she

her

own

is

hurt; and,

because she

their

any case, the

from that which was envisioned by

the birthmother, the adoptee, or the adoptive parents.

parents.

relationship

is

hurting, she

can be is

just

as

for adoptive

fine,

and then

on end. She

is

sometimes reacts from

hurt “child” by “abandoning” her child for the second time.

Understanding the Emotional Climate of Reunions

Many adopted

of the problems which adoptive parents faced with their

child will

crop up between the birthmother and adoptee. This 167

The Primal Wound and the

includes the adoptee's problem of compliance

many

birth parents (as well as adoptive parents) is

some adoptees

(usually unconsciously) act

Waiting for phone

and

calls

the

"difficult

out with their birth parents.

many

birthmothers can verify.

that in neither the case of the "perfect reunion" nor

reunion"

is

the adoptee acting from his true feelings, but

from a protective stance. One

is

who

acting-out birth child,

know what

It

will

feels like to

it

this could (and

them as they

and the other

be abandoned. (Does

many

the

is

and wants her

testing the birthmother

to adoptive parents.) Because in

adoptive parents

I

is

who

being the "perfect" birth child,

doesn't want to risk losing mother again;

to

More

to recognize.

from rediscovered but unresponsive

letters

children can be excruciatingly painful, as

may be

which

the experience of rejection and abandonment, which

easy to identify

It

fail

false self,

sound familiar?

this

cases the birth and

experience similar responses from their children,

will

should) serve to help foster understanding between

strive to relate to their children

want to dwell on

this idea

a

because

bit,

and

to

believe

I

it

each other. to be important.

Both mothers may experience

their child as being reluctant to accept

the relationship at face value.

(Remember

outside the

womb was

and

of separation

that their

loss!)

first

experience

This often results in their

being cautious in accepting the love and affection which the mother,

whether biological or adoptive, wants to of

any relationship

is

one

of the

separation and loss experience. distrust. In fact,

suspect.

“If

she

me

left

A

she

if

That

The birthmother does not escape

when

this is

I

was a

not very

is

lost object,

tiny baby, likely

she

is,

that

indeed,

she can leave

me

does not do away with

experienced by the birthmother,

she does this or that

will lose

in

new

her

him again. The trauma

come up

in the

new and 168

who

is

often

relationship with her

of that loss for her sets

a recurring feeling of impending and terrifying negative feelings

that early

could happen.

it

similar feeling

afraid that child

it.

once,

permanence

most predictable outcomes of

because she was the original

again,” as Gina put

the feeling that

give. Distrusting the

loss.

When

up

so-called

tentative relationship, she

The Reunion Process is

terrified that

she

will

she

him

will lose

if

she doesn't

get defensive and deny whatever

to convey to her about his feelings. getting her to understand

him and

He

then

a

in

self-fulfilling

prophecy.

know

opportunity to get to

In

will feel

case,

who

the real person

trying

hopeless about

distance himself from

will

either

is

Or

conform to what he

either

will

things right.

that the adoptee

it is

perceives she wants him to do or be, or he

her

make

she has

is

lost

an

her child.

What would like to emphasize to both birth and adoptive mothers that, even when her own inner child is being hurt in the relationship, I

is

she must act

in

the relationship as the mature adult in control of her

actions. (Notice that

experience her

didn't say “in control of her feelings.''

I

feelings, but act maturely

out in a support group or therapy.) it

is

someone has

that

In

someone

for

the

in

She can then allow her

previously described.

important

— I

She can

manner which have I

come enough how

hurt inner child to

can't

stress

to be mature in these exchanges, and

mother (no matter how old the

to be the

any good relationship many emotions are

felt

including love, hate, joy, rage, exultation, hostility,

and expressed,

and sadness.

these feelings can be validated and accepted as true (even out of proportion in the present situation);

if

“child").

if

they

If

seem

they can be tolerated by

the birthmother, the adoptive mother, or the therapist, as the adoptee struggles to relate to them, instead of denied or defended against, a satisfactory adult relationship

can emerge.

When

that has

happened,

then a more reciprocal exchange of expression of feelings can take place.

Then the two

mother and

adults,

child,

can begin to

relate as

peers and as friends. Before a mature relationship can occur, however,

a long road must be traveled.

It

is

very important to the healing process

to understand that journey.

Regression

One child

is

of the reasons that the relationship

so puzzling

is

that

upon meeting 169

it

between birthmother and is

almost inevitable that

The Primal Wound no matter how

the adoptee,

do

to

this.

She wants

no longer a

is

One

symbiotic

that

in

and

her,

finds

it

disconcerting that he

tiny being.

of the things

that her child

newborn, to hold

to be able to nurture her

and rock and comfort him or or she

a wish to go back,

is

which was severed upon relinquishment. The mother also

relationship,

wishes for

There

have that mother be again

to

over,

it

old, regresses.

which the birthmother might notice, then,

wants her to be available to him

newborn would. Never mind

that she

the time, just as a

all

may have

go

to

work the

to

next day, he

into the night.

beginning

may want to talk to her long he may want to call her every day,

at

or night

.

.

reconnect

just to

.

.

.

just to

.

(Therapists should be aware that this

when one

is

this

and

re-establish the

At the

any time of the day

be sure that she

may happen

in

is

there.

therapy, too,

And

dealing with early loss and deprivation.)

to regain his trust

is

if

she wants

bond with him, she

allow

will

for awhile.

I

say “for awhile,” because

I

don’t think that

it

appropriate for

is

either reunited birthmothers or therapists to allow this severely regressed

behavior for very long.

We

can take our cue from other members of

the animal kingdom, where one

determines suckling.

she

She can then

is still

day.

If

when a young

she

will

it

the mother

is

lamb

bird will leave the nest or a

gradually

let

her “child”

know

that,

want her

who stop

even though

him about how he should be conducting

to stop “mothering”

him and

advantage of not being so dependent on her

will

availability,

which

his

life,

will

begin

and therapeutic

relationships, there will be a natural progression or “growing after the initial regression. This

making

begin to see the

to feel like interference or engulfment. In both the reunion

in

will

acting like a “mother” in the relationship and

strong suggestions to

he

notice that

he cannot expect her to be available 24 hours a

available, is

will

up process”

has to be fostered by the parent figure

both cases, fostered with encouragement,

sensitivity

(Watch the mother bird teaching her fledglings to

and firmness. That’s what

is

happening. The birthmother has given her child back his wings and

is

teaching him to

fly.

170

fly.)

The Reunion Process Sometimes the adoptee begins the reunion

somewhat

receptive to the birthmother, then cuts off the relationship,

word

leaving her without

for

must accept

for her, she

He may

through.

months

want anything

be feeling overwhelmed by his emotions and need

and distance between him and

do with

to

her,

“Our children

it,

still

she

“abandoned

Some It

is

insightful

is

if

right.

is

on holidays, and

sensitive birthmother

us,

even

they don’t

if

the relationship,

no matter

If

all

“But

why

should

I?

the long-term goal

the responsibility for the relationship

she wants to

let

her

own

inner child run

is

As

with a

newborn

child, this

The

her

to

results will

own

hurt

in

its

early

if

to

on her

she gives

in

where two unconscious, unhappy

“children” would be trying to connect.

work

in

intuitive sensitivity

be much more satisfactory than

inner child,

positive relationship

But

“newborn relationship” has

be nurtured with unconditional love and part.

so.

a positive relationship with her child, then she

needs to take on the responsibility of the relationship stages.

internal

I’m hurting, too!

rampant, to be running the show, then she can certainly do if

She

patient.

no matter how much her own

will say,

you are putting

on me.” And she

in

does not

crying out.

birthmothers

sounds as

and

need to hear from

also hurting,

child”

calling

letters,

respond.” She has to be the mature one

how much

that her child

he does. She must be

As one

generally keeping in touch.

may or No matter how he

testing her, just as

and how much she believes

must keep sending those cards and

put

is

has to go

child

not have previously tested the adoptive parents.

rejected she feels

as this

difficult

what her

this as part of

new-found mother. Or he may be

may

a time. As

at

to proceed very slowly, putting time his

relationship by being

when both people

the adoptive relationship, and

It

is

impossible to build a

are regressed. This doesn’t it

won’t work

in the

reunion

relationship.

It is

because of his regression that the birthmother, no matter

much she it,

is

feeling her

own

pain,

must not burden the

“child” with

but must be there to listen to, acknowledge, and comfort him.

can

tell

him her

story, the history of his

171

how She

conception and birth and her

The Primal Wound feelings about

go on and on about

but need not

it,

apologize every time she sees him for having ago, nor

tell

him

She need not all

those years

him over and over again how much she regrets not having

been able to nurture him adult person that

he

is,

may make sense to the very much on the feeling

those years. This

all

but

now

the child he

level of

left

it.

will

it

not register

feels himself to

be

in his relationship to her.

This does not imply that the birthmother should put aside her

For too many birthmothers, the need to ignore her feelings

feelings.

was what she heard over and over

how

selfish

was

it

was explained

it

sense of not wanting to separate from him was

probably never validated and was instead ignored or these

women

to her

even think of keeping her baby. Her

for her to

intrinsic, instinctive

again, as

vilified.

have never had any support for those

Many

feelings,

of

which

even unto today.

persist

The birthmother

may be

in the

than her

certainly

needs an outlet for her pain. This outlet

person of a therapist,

child. Just

as

is

it

friend, or

support group, rather

inappropriate for any of us as parents to

emotionally overload our children with our pain as they are growing up, neither

do

to

is it

so.

adoptee

may

no one

will

on

the birthmother does so, what

If

child ” with is

appropriate in the regressive relationship with the adult/child

begin to

feel that

he must take care of her

which so many therapists are

to take care of

begin to close

down

superficial overtones.

him

—no one

again,

On

level,

on the baby

familiar),

is

and the

that the

(the “parentified

and once again there

to understand his pain.

Thus he

relationship will begin to take

the adult level he can certainly hear and

understand the painful feelings she had

another

may happen

level,

he

in relinquishing

him, but on

really doesn’t care.

Genetic Sexual Attraction This brings us to the issue of sexual feelings between mother and child,

which are very strong, because they are primal. They may not

be sexual

in

the

same sense

that they

172

would be between two mature

The Reunion Process they are sensual and primal and are often confused with

adults, but

purely sexual sensations. Sensual/sexual feelings are natural to the early experience of babies

and

their mothers.

Both boys and

girls will

experience these feelings, because babies are creatures of sensation.

normal and natural holding and touching which follows

In the

birth,

sensual or sexual-like feelings are aroused in both mother and child.

This

especially true of nursing mothers.

is

When a real

these feelings

pull to act

close enough.

come up

in

the reunion experience, there

upon them, because

The

it

way

feels like the only

“child” isn’t actually a

baby and can’t

is

to get

really

be

in

a symbiotic relationship with the mother, nor can he go back to the

womb. The next best thing seems to be to get inside her somehow, and the only way a man/child knows how to do this is through sexual intercourse. Unfortunately, some unboundaried mothers allow this act to take place, because in many cases she feels sexually attracted to him, too, and wants to consummate this feeling.

The

Incest

Taboo

To engage

sexual

in

intercourse with

acceptable at this time, however, than

was a

actually

child.

(Or no

it

her child

would have been when he

more acceptable than a

sexual relations with a patient.)

It

is

no more

is

a betrayal of

therapist having

trust.

It

molestation. Sensual feelings and sexual impulses to satisfy natural

is

sexual

them are

and can be acknowledged, but they should not be acted upon.

who must take responsibility for setting safe limits. No matter how much the adoptee pleads with the mother/father/therapist, no matter how much It is

a boundary crossed.

he/she

pulls

for

And

sexual

it,

it

is

always the parent-figure

between parent-figures and

relations

children, regardless of age, should never

of incest,

reunion

The

it

will

backfire someday,

may come

and

happen. Just as

all

in

every case

the work of processing the

apart at the seams.

incest taboo

is

reason, a reason based

part of almost every society and exists for a

more on psychology than 173

biology. (This

is

why

The Primal Wound any parent-figure’s transgressing that boundary whether a biological relationship

and daughters can

fathers

hold one another, but

keep

it

it

surely

a betrayal of

is

exists or not).

trust,

Mothers and sons,

hug one another, touch one another,

has to be safe, and

it

is

up

parent to

to the

that way.

Sensual/sexual feelings also occur between mother and daughter,

and

this

also natural. This

is

become a

lesbian.

It

does not mean that one has suddenly

means

simply

early wonderfully sensual feelings

that

one

one had

I

do have a

suspicion, based

Many

is

at the

on

beginning of

to

life,

an abrupt and

interviews with several

what they are searching

lesbian adoptees, that part of lesbian relationships

re-experiencing those

them

before that untimely separation brought

premature end.

is

for in their

a closeness with the feminine that was mother.

of these relationships are

more

sensual and emotional than

even though they are sometimes expressed sexually. This

sexual,

would be an interesting area for more study.

Sexual Feelings Between Biological Siblings Sexual feelings are not limited to those between mother and child

when a sister or half-sister age when she gave birth to

or father and child. Sometimes, especially looks a great deal

him, or

like

she looks

if

the mother at the like

him, a brother/son

overwhelming attraction to her. His

may

him, or she (This

is

ment

upon them. of

it,

acting as

an almost

also feel attracted to

where the adoptee

is

a

the birth sibling a boy or man.) In either case,

right to have, feel,

to act

may

feel

be scared by the intensity of his feelings toward her.

equally true of relationships

woman and

sister

will

it if

and

talk

In fact,

about these feelings, but if

it

is

not

girl

or

is

all

it

all

right

everyone could get over the embarrass-

would be healthy to

talk

about the feelings, instead of

they don’t exist or acting on them in covert ways.

Unacknowledged or unvoiced emotions have a great deal more power than those which are out

in the

these feelings are normal.

As

open and

discussed.

Remember

that

the relationship matures, the feelings

174

The Reunion Process will

most probably become

less intense

more appropriate and manageable toward one another. Should the be acted upon,

it

it

point resolve into

warmth and upon the

strain

affection

and sexual

original, intense,

feelings

relationship

to end.

any case, sensual/sexual

mothers and

some

at

feelings of

would put a great deal of

and may even cause In

and

feelings are natural

Because of the physical memory

siblings.

traces of infancy, in the regressive stage of the reunion the

intense sexual feelings of sexual feeling,

and affection course,

if

safe

it

the parents

among

the “child"

will

birth family,

up

be between mother and

do not do

clear.)

free

so,

it

child. In all

most cases

keep expressions of love

to the parents to

and boundaried,

keep the boundaries closeness

is

will

birth-

male and female, between fathers

their children, both

and daughters, and between

between

from sexual acting

out. (Of

be up to the adoptee to

will

There does need to be a reconnection, a

birth family

members, but

if

does not

it

feel safe,

begin to distance himself in his relationship with his

and an opportunity

for healing will be missed.

Reunions as Reconciliation If

reunions are going to be vehicles for reconciliation, the process

must be understood and honored. Because of the emotionally charged climate in which these reunions take place,

anyone

to respond responsibly to

what

is

it

is

often

difficult

going on. As one

for

birth-

mother pointed out to me, “Not only

did

my

an

if

were 17 years old again.”

infant, but

I

found myself feeling as

I

son go back to being

Confusion and vulnerability predominate, as both mother and

communicate

new

their histories

and

feelings,

and

child

struggle to define their

relationship.

During the early stage of the reunion,

it

is

best

if

the adoptive

parents can back off and give the fledgling relationship an opportunity to develop without the

or their place

in this

added burden of worrying about

new development. There 175

will

their feelings

be a time to bring

The Primal Wound them

into the process, because they are a part of

need as much space as possible

pair

to

in

which they can begin to

difficult for

some adoptive

with their shared child

would be unfair

for

them

difficult

and to experiment with the Although

relate as adults.

parents to realize

will

but the reunited

go through the very

early regressive stage of their relationship

ways

it,

it,

their

be much stronger

own

it

may be

relationship

they can do so.

if

It

and

to threaten to withhold their love

acceptance as a means of creating distance between the birthmother

and her time.

child or as a lever for

The

“child”

needs permission to pursue

whatever way seems everyone

in

admittance into the relationship at

best,

this

new

this

relationship in

and he needs unconditional love from

order to do so effectively.

The Hard-to-Reach Adoptee Sometimes a reunion, which

started

off

gloriously,

begins to

deteriorate to the point of an almost nonexistent relationship.

birthmothers, themselves hurt and feeling rejected, don’t to is

do

at this point.

Because of

a tendency to want to

She should not forget

their

own

know what

feelings of rejection, there

“just forget it,” to try to “get

that she tried this

Many

once before.

on with It

life.”

might help

know that many adoptive mothers were for years faced with same feeling of rejection. If she can appreciate that these mothers

her to this

“hung

in there” despite the

pain they were suffering, she can then

begin to realize that she can do the same for her testing-out

Remember

that whatever the “child’s” chronological age, he

going to act somewhat

child-like

mothers have done what

I

to

own

their

this trying

own

time

feelings, they

in the

ing.

If

happy

child,

with her for

recommended

some

time.

in the last chapter,

If

is

both

which

is

can give support to one another at

reunion process. The adoptive mother,

has suffered years of frustration

adopted

child.

in the

bonding process with her

can give comfort to what the birthmother

the adoptive mother had an “easy” time of that the adoptee waited until

176

who

he met

it,

is

experienc-

then she can be

his biological

mother to

The Reunion Process act

on these

he has had

feelings (which

along). In either case, the

all

birthmother needs support at this time, and she also needs to not

abandon her

Although

child.

I

recommend

that at

first

the primary

relationship be limited to the reunited pair, without interference either adoptive or birth families, in a case

where the adoptee

is

from

testing

the birthmother, she needs support from both family groups. Adoptive

parents

who were

themselves tested by the adoptee can empathize

with and encourage the birthmother while the adoptee learns to trust

the relationship.

Of course, reunion and,

cases where the adoptive parents are against the

in

in fact,

interfere in that process, the birthmother will

have to go elsewhere for support. But an added bonus to having the adoptive parents as supporters relationship with the birthmother feelings

that the adoptee will see that his

is is

not hurting them or affecting their

toward him. This can only strengthen

them, as well as allow him to begin to his birthmother.

while

trust the

his relationship with

new

Love breeds more love and closer

suspicion and fear create an

relationship with ties to

everyone,

atmosphere of tension and

animosity benefiting no one.

The Reluctant Birthmother Sometimes the adoptee experiences a second making contact with

his birthmother.

rejection

upon

Nothing he says or does changes

her mind about not wanting a relationship with him. Whether the

birthmother

is

in

fear about other

a state of denial about her pain, or

members

of her family rejecting her

her “secret,” being rejected again

almost impossible for the one

much about

the one

importance of the

who

birth

is

who

isn’t.

is

is

they find out It

is

ready for the reunion to do very

Often the birthmother negates the

bond and convinces

much more unconscious than

face her pain

if

she has some

devastating for the adoptee.

herself that her child

a good upbringing and doesn’t need her. This hesitancy

if

that.

is

rationalization.

Her

She doesn’t want

to

She needs

to

and has found an excuse not to do 177

had

so.

The Primal Wound relate to her adult child will

know, however, that her reluctance to

him deeply.

affect

All the excruciating feelings of

symptoms

with accompanying physical

loss,

aches, diarrhea, and so forth resurface. re-enters his

I

life

child

He

stomach pain, head-

regresses whether she

or not.

urge any birthmother reading

disinclined for

of

abandonment and

book

this

to reconsider

He

she surrendered.

and both need

his,

can heal unless her today

is

she

is

any reason to allow some kind of relationship with the needs

this

connection to

feel

whole, and so

does she. The impact of that separation has affected her as

if

is

it

She

to heal.

will

life

experience pain, but no

opened up. Knowing

that he

as well

wound

languishing for

is

going to affect her, even as she convinces herself that he

doesn't really need her.

The birthmother's

He

does.

fears that her other children will reject her

if

they find out about him are probably groundless. For one thing, they

know something has been

already

children are usually

aware of

“secrets,"

the secrets are. Secrets affect

can name them or not. almost every case

I

It

is

amiss.

all

even

members siblings

their brother or sister. In fact, in cases

relationships.

has been established that they don't

if

of a family,

know what

whether they

best to get things out in the open. In

have known,

meet with the adoptee,

It

siblings

have been very accepting of

where the mother refuses to

have established close, long-lasting

And, although these relationships may help soften the

blow of the mother's not wanting a relationship, the connection the adoptee wants most Yet

is

that with his birthmother.

the adoptee has

if

done everything

in his

power

birthmother to acknowledge him and relate to him in

may want

to contact his siblings instead. This

birthmother wants

it

or not.

He

is

it is

up

to

them

relationships with him.

These

to decide

some way, he

his right,

whether the

did not ask to be cut off

genealogy, and he can't be expected to accept adults,

to get his

it.

If

from

his

the siblings are

whether or not they want to establish

The mother

can't

make

that decision for them.

relationships, although not as powerful as that with the mother,

178

The Reunion Process

And sometimes

can be very healing.

the rest of her children can

convince the birthmother to change her mind about relating to the child she relinquished.

Tenacity Patience, and ,

Understanding

Reunion Process

in the

Reunions can, indeed, be a all

part of the healing process for

sides of the adoption triad. But for healing to take place,

own the

vital

own feelings others. No one can

all

must

as well as acknowledge and accept those of

their

be

left

out,

because each has been a part of

the process. Each needs to stop projecting and passing judgment and, instead, provide understanding will

and support

for

one another. There

be no understanding on the part of the general public or public unless there

officials

understanding and empathy within the

first

is

triad.

Even with mutual support, the reunion process understood and can be

difficult.

needs to be understood

It

is

is

often mis-

a slowly evolving process, which

every stage of development. This takes

at

patience, tenacity, and the cooperation of everyone involved, but especially that of the

process,

when

birthmother,

it

two mothers. At the beginning of the reunion

the adoptee will

is

regressed in his relationship to the

be important for her to be sure that she acts

in

a

mature and responsible manner towards him. This includes keeping the environment safe from inappropriate behavior, as well as continuing to

communicate with him, even though he may not be responding

to her.

He may be

having

and honor

is

his feelings

I

than to defend against them.

to his feelings. His bringing ability to

kinds of ambivalent feelings which he

recommended in the case of the adoptive birthmother will find it much more effective to validate

trying to sort out. Just as

mother, the

all

hear him, which

them

He

has a right

to her demonstrates his faith in her

in itself

should be healing for her. Because

of the inequality in the relationship, however, she does not have the right to reciprocate until

he has

sufficiently

179

matured

in his relationship

The Primal Wound to her. This

is difficult,

and

I

do not want her

to think that she cannot

express her feelings, but she needs to do so with

someone other than

him, for his sake as well as for the sake of the relationship.

None the

scar

of the participants in these reunions can expect to eliminate left

however, gain

by the relinquishment/adoption process. They can,

new

attitudes

toward their experiences and become

and permanent aspects of one another’s patience;

it

lives.

takes understanding; and, above

unconditional, sacrificial love.

180

This takes time; all,

it

it

vital

takes

takes unselfish,

CHAPTER

14

Empowering Ourselves

In writing

original

problem

about the primal wound,

trauma is

is

reiterate that the child.

seen as an

institution

be separated from their

be the solution to a problem, the problem

which seeks parents for babies first

otherwise procuring babies already has in

some

assuming, of course, that adoption

is

who have

will

We

must keep

become a way

this distinction clear,

of

life,

as

I

believe

instances. Babies should never be separated

mothers unless

it

is

all

their lives

and

with others as they go through the

How

it

from

absolutely necessary, because separation

causes trauma, and trauma leaves the child wounded. The

adoptees

to

mothers, and not as an institution which

seeks babies for childless couples.

affects

The

not adoption. Adoption has attempted, with greater or

of unplanned pregnancies. This

their

want to

abandonment as experienced by the

lesser degrees of success, to

is

I

does one counteract the

wound

greatly impacts their relationships life

cycle.

effects of this

wound? So

far

I

have

discussed ways in which adoptive parents can help heal their children,

181

The Primal Wound

members can help one another heal, and ways in which society can become more informed and compassionate about all aspects of adoption. Yet one of the residues of abandonment is a ways

which

in

triad

perpetual feeling of being a victim, of being powerless, of being

The

helpless to help oneself.

and preverbal

original

wounding, being preconscious

most adoptees, leaves them

for

feeling at the

mercy of

everyone and everything. The adoptee reacts to his pain and deprivation in unconscious ways, often sabotaging himself

and leaving others

perplexed.

would be wonderful

It

help

peutic

it

if

everyone could get the long-term thera-

would take to overcome the

Unfortunately this

is

effects

of that pain.

not possible for a great number of people.

is,

It

then, one’s relationship to others which can offer the best opportunity for healing. This

does not mean that one’s partner or friend should

be expected to be a parent and make up for primal deprivation.

means

that both partners cooperate in validating feelings,

own

boundaries, and taking responsibility for their

It

setting

actions. This takes

a great deal of commitment and perseverance on the part of

all

involved.

Shunning the Victim Role The

first

thing an adoptee (or birthmother or

powerless) can do feeling as

if

is

to

become

he has no power

and hopelessness, which permeates of

it.

He

is

his consciousness

his

left

life.

That

being a victim, of

feeling of helplessness

over from his infant/child years,

even today.

—the whole world—for what

to just drift along like a cork

will

in his

tired of

feels

He

has to want to get

life

on the

takes him. In order to

is

sea,

happening to him.

It is

easier

bobbing along wherever the

grow up,

to

become an

adult,

have to give up that old friend lethargy and take an active part

own

How

rid

has to want to take responsibility for himself and not blame

everyone

tide of

and

sick

anyone who

he in

healing process. This takes effort, commitment, and energy.

does he begin? 182

Empowering Ourselves Challenging Long-Held Beliefs

One

of the hindrances to

an adoptee's helping himself heal

feeling of being undeserving, unworthy. This

and

not

need to be challenged. The adoptee

beliefs

belief that

is

he was responsible

reality,

is

it

is

his

is belief,

paralyzed by the

own abandonment because he

for his

wasn't a good enough baby to keep.

By

believing this, he

is

giving

who left him omnipotent wisdom in having made this when she was actually a confused, vulnerable, and often very

the mother decision,

young person acting from

fear or other people’s advice.

take to challenge the belief that

unworthy”?

In

‘i

What

was unwanted, therefore

most cases neither part of

that statement

is

will I

it

am

correct.

how many adoptees operate in their lives based on that very belief? To adoptees say: Challenge this belief. Hold a baby. Ask yourselves how bad you think that baby can be. If it is bad, toss it in Yet

I

the wastebasket the

way you’ve done

yourselves.

If

you're angry at

your birthmothers for abandoning you, why do you keep abandoning yourselves?

immune from this kind of belief system. gave up a child, many birthmothers consider themselves

Birthmothers are not

Because they

bad mothers, undeserving of having another

good mothers

to

their

other children.

child or unable to

This belief often

be

persists,

regardless of the knowledge of their circumstances at the time of giving birth or the coercive tactics

to

keep

their babies.

used to get them to

feel guilty for

wanting

Whether a birthmother gave up her baby because

she realized that she could not care properly for him or because others

convinced her of

this,

she must understand that she did what she was

capable of doing at the time.

We

could

all live

were to dwell on the mistakes we have made is

one of those

us nothing.

A

useless occupiers of our time

in

lives of regret

our

lives.

if

we

But regret

and energy which gain

birthmother cannot change what happened, but she

can forgive herself for her decision or

let

go

of the guilt

if

she

really

had no control over that decision. Her present relationships depend

upon her doing so

successfully.

183

The Primal Wound

Allowing Feelings

—Controlling Behavior

There are two things to address

power back. The

one wants to begin

if

has to do with experience: the

first

to take his

loss, deprivation,

abuse, or neglect one experienced as a child; and the second has to

do with how one result

reacts to that experience: the lifetime habits

which

from the experience. What are some of those habits?

The adoptee

good

often sabotages anything

that

is

happening to

him. That sense of being undeserving overrides the wish to have satisfaction in

life.

A

good

relationship turns into a nightmare because

of childish responses to a partner. There to control those responses. This

we

behaviors over which

some

exercise

a sense of not being able

is

because they are

is

no

control.

And

really reactions,

yet, don’t

we expect

our children to begin by age two or three to control their behavior?

seen some parents acting more out of control than their children

I’ve

when

amazing!

It’s

We

know had to. In the beginning, before understood what was going on with my daughter, definitely used

all I

trying to get their children to stop acting up.

need to watch ourselves.

I

I

I

to react to her,

rather than respond maturely to

her.

This only

reinforced her faulty beliefs about herself, rather than challenging

and helping her

heal.

I

rather than from the mature adult that

promised to parent

my

isn’t easy.

difficult to

I

hurt inner child,

responsibility for

my

my own

Others engender emotions

overcome the tendency

when

I

promise,

I

purported to be

daughter. In order to keep

needed to grow up and take This

my own

was reacting from

in

them

actions.

us which

make

it

to react, rather than to respond.

For instance, adoptees use projective

identification,

not only as a

defense mechanism and a primitive form of object relations, but also as a

means

of communication.

relationship with

to them.

him

will

really feels inside

feelings.

The

that

means

is

that

anyone

in

a

begin to experience his feelings and react

The adoptee uses

what he

What

projective identification to

communicate

because he has no words to describe those

feelings originated before

he had language. Adoptive

parents are very familiar with the technique of projective identification,

184

a

Empowering Ourselves

may

as are reunited birthmothers, although they it

Those projected

called.

is

feelings trigger the parents’

rage, hostility, sorrow, or helplessness, causing

they consider

But there

guilt,

and an old

way

the

is

in

Well,

it.

we

in

our

we

and our

going.

which

actions.

“I

we can

effort,

dysfunc-

we would

can't help

can’t help the feelings; they

behavior takes a great deal of

It is

hurt,

feel

avoid growing up and taking

but

it,” is

the

come from

the

help the behavior. Often

drama, not a true response to

is

lives

friend without

unconscious or from projection, but the behavior

ways

a sense of drama, a kind of

a neurotic way to respond to

which

responsibility for our choices

way we put

is

it

is

keeps the drama

it

tional, self-perpetuating, It

There

exciting!

is

negative excitement. Although

depressed.

to react in

another reason for our allowing our behavior to get out

is

or

them

out of character for them.

totally

of hand: Acting out

fear, anger,

known what own sense of

not have

feeling. Controlling

we can do

We

it.

our

have to

when we feel as manage not to commit

control our behavior in the case of unspeakable anger if

we

could

someone.

kill

murder. But

we

We

who

us)

allow ourselves the smaller indulgences of our neurotic

reactions to archaic feelings. child, yell at

do (most of

We

slam the door, kick the dog, slap a

our husband or wife, or give the finger to the blankety-blank

cut us off

on the freeway.

It’s

exhilarating

and dramatic!

good. That’s the part that’s hard to give up. But

it’s

It

feels

also childish

—

two-year-old having a tantrum.

When

we need to ask ourselves: “Are these feelings appropriate to the situation I’m now in, or are they out of proportion to what is going on?” Many times it will be apparent that those feelings overwhelm us,

the feelings are too intense for the particular situation we’re

we have

do

to

is

when

lives to

acting

put

on

up with

is difficult

this

often what

what one

is

demonstrating

is;

and

that, in fact,

We can’t expect

kind of behavior, however.

is

I

because of the exhilarating feeling one

intense feelings.

am,”

as

Then what

allow ourselves to experience the feeling, but respond

to the situation. This gets

in.

I

hear. But is

one has

other people in our

“He has

to realize

two

behavior, not personality

other people

do not have 185

to accept

me

things: that

—not who one

to accept that behavior.

The Primal Wound

The Difference Between Personality and Behavior I'm sure every child at one time or another has been love you;

it

your behavior that

is

seemed to make much sense then, is

it

actually

Whereas

communication

the behavior

is

birth.

Behavior, on the other hand,

—an attempt to

is

a form

someone something. Frequently

tell

not congruent with the true personality. Behavior often

we can

responsibility for ourselves,

someone we

not have

make one unique and

and projects pain. As we begin to become

reflects

may

it

“I still

does make sense. Personality

the essence of a person, the aspects which

which are present from of

don’t like.”

I

told,

love

and

trust,

and accept

adults

begin talking about our pain with

rather than acting

out. This implies, of

it

we

course, that the listener will neither discount nor judge what saying. This takes a great deal of patience

when

a person

is

are

trying to

verbalize primal feelings.

When an be, as

infant’s

needs were not met the way he wanted them to

genetic connection, there

by someone. There

mother and fulfills

up

the case of a baby growing

is

them.

infant

A

is

is

a family where there

is

no

met

perpetual yearning to get those needs

a wish to go back to the symbiotic phase between

when a mother

simply knows her child's needs and

baby separated from

security of that

in

phase of

life

his

when

mother

at birth

were met

his feelings

symbiotic dance with the mother. This leaves

never had the in

a

fluid

him with a never-ending

longing to have that experience.

to

What happens in relationships is that he then expects his partner just know what he needs or wants without his having to say anything.

There

is

mind.

“It

I

want,”

to

an expectation that doesn’t count is

if

I

his friend or wife or partner

have to

tell

what one often hears. This

happen.

It

feeling angry.

is

is

She should

know what

just

magical thinking.

his

It

isn’t

going

an immature expectation which leaves both partners

Even

if

a person were to get

they cannot be met in adulthood the

been met

her.

can read

in infancy.

An

That particular phase of

adult doesn't life

is lost

same way

of those needs met,

that they

would have

need another person for

forever,

186

some

and the

survival.

realization or the

Empowering Ourselves denial of that loss causes a great deal of suffering. Realization initiates

and avoidance become neurosis.

true grieving, while denial

Acknowledging and Mourning Loss Carl Jung said that neurosis

is

a substitute for legitimate suffering.

Suffering involves acknowledging our losses and doing the appropriate

book

griefwork. In his

problem

,

unmourned." Sadly,

still

to face this truth

attempts,

Be an Adult David Richo

to

says,

“Our

not that as children our needs were unmet, but that as adults

is

they are

How

it

at

some

point in one's

necessary

and begin the mourning process. After many

becomes apparent

the adults (or even

more

that

it

is

so, the children) in

our

lives to

many people

over and over again to do

The

mature

just that.

failed

unreasonable for one to expect

the primal needs of childhood. Yet

relationships are

life it is

make up

for

in relationships try

result is that

very few adult

relationships.

Every adoptee, birthmother, and adoptive parent has experienced

and the appropriate response

loss,

there

is

we

for

mourning. Richo says that

if

we

don't realize that

it

is

missed."

go through

life

If

we

don't

we

and

lost

mourn our

unreasonable and even impossible

to expect our parents or partners to will

is

a need to grieve “the irretrievable aspect of what

the irreplaceable aspect of what losses,

to loss

make up

for these losses,

we

with “a feeling of something undone, a yearning

something unattained." There

victim, a feeling of powerlessness

will

be a sense of being the eternal

which prevents our growing up and

being an adult.

There are several steps toward the healing power of griefwork. The first

step

is

to

want

to

grow

pain by remaining a victim. decide that

we

remember

as

talk

is

Many people easier to

avoid responsibility and

keep the

status quo.

If

we do

are tired of always feeling powerless, the next step

much

about them.

we can

It

up.

It

is

to

as possible about our painful experiences and to isn’t

always possible to remember cognitively, but

take cues from our bodies, from our reactions to others, from

our sense of something's being wrong. 187

The Primal Wound

Once we begin paying remembering a it

we can

painful experience,

then acknowledge the pain

caused us and begin to experience and express the feelings

drama

in us. Instead of staying stuck in the

acknowledge the

we

and

directly confront those

We

happened.

ways

of the

a partner

no longer

in

up

can, however, speak

begin to correct false beliefs about what

Maggie

intimate and, paradoxically,

will fulfill

ourselves.

Scarf’s

especially like this exercise, because

more

we need to that we are

are

which we can mutually share our

in

induced

caused us pain, or some representative

them

fulfill

an exercise

is

We

we

it

have to drop the expectation that others

will

our needs, and begin to

One

children.

who

And we can

of those persons.

realization

or never got, because

lost

and cannot receive as

children

of the feeling,

That includes the

loss involved.

never going to get what

A

we may be

attention to the signals that

is

it

more

feelings with

book Intimate Partners.

way

a wonderful

to

I

become

individuated in the relationship.

couple should set aside a certain amount of time, perhaps only half

an hour

at

during which they

first,

need a timer, and each person to talk about

him or

herself.

be

will

Each

is

will

not be interrupted. They

allotted fifteen

minutes

is

to listen empathically, without

At the end of

is

speaking, the

judgment and without comment.

they switch roles. They are not to go

fifteen minutes,

over the allotted time nor speak about what was said at a

These experiences should

which

in

to talk only about himself, not about

the other or about the relationship. While one person

other

will

later date.

be heard and accepted, never corrected,

just

discussed, or analyzed because that

would destroy

trust

and detract from

the beneficial aspect of sharing important emotional experiences and feelings.

If

the couple continues with this exercise, each

thing he or she did not

may have been more the

living for

a long

the other person (with

time!).

same time It

When

is

a

it

will

way

foster

some-

whom

they

different experiences.

At

a feeling of closeness, connection, and

to begin the healing of loss

and

alienation.

a person believes that he has remembered as

necessary about a

learn

This makes one’s partner seem

and unique, a separate person with

real

intimacy.

know about

will

difficult loss,

it

is

helpful to

188

have a

much

ritual to

as

is

symbolize

Empowering Ourselves the closure of the ways he has allowed that loss to impact his

life.

Each

person has to find the best means of commemorating the releasing of the shackles of that loss by writing about

it,

painting

it,

sculpting

it,

etc.,

then burying or burning the symbol, and saying Goodbye.

When one remembering

has

finally laid to rest

talking about

it,

the paralyzing effect of loss by

then destroying

it,

a means by which to take one’s power back.

find

that

That

because of a long-held

is

it

belief

adoptees,

is

it is

often based

upon

power was given

and involves

loss

be time to

will

it

must be remembered

It

belief that that

it,

fear. In the

up.

case of

the loss of the mother and the fear of another abandon-

ment. This fear persists into adulthood, even though one cannot be

abandoned as an because

live

one

The problem just

left,

He

will

but

being

An

not helpless.

is

by those resources.

Three Barriers

away

be

this implies helplessness at

but as an adult

can

One can

adult.

not

one cannot be abandoned

left.

adult

One can feel helpless, has many resources and

die.

to Integration

is

because

that the

adoptees fear

intellectually

that

he

will die

he knows that he can

doesn’t go

Fear

survive.

The other two are anger/rage

one of the barriers to the

integration of loss.

and guilt/shame. Each

of these beliefs or feelings has both a true

a

false

aspect (or a

justifiable

is

and

and a neurotic component). The neurotic

aspects are those which were formed in childhood

in

response to some

experience which seemed dangerous, frustrating, or shameful.

When

a

partner acts toward the adoptee (or anyone) in a hostile, hurtful, or unhelpful way, something gets triggered, an alarm goes

off,

and he

experiences the fear of annihilation. Overcoming his response to that fear

is

an important part of the maturation process.

Fear

Fear can be an

ally

or appropriate fear

We

is

as a response to a dangerous situation. Justifiable that

which appears when a

react to that fear by either fighting or fleeing.

189

It

real

danger

exists.

gets the adrenaline

The Primal Wound going and helps us challenge whatever it.

is

endangering

us,

or to run from

Neurotic fear, on the other hand, paralyzes us and hampers our

work and our

relationships.

We may

never act on either because there

feel like fighting is

cases, especially in the case of primal

no

life’s

or fleeing, but can

many

identifiable danger. In

wounding, the danger

is

long past,

or as Heidegger said, “The dreadful has already happened.” Yet

keep reacting to

We

ago.

stimuli

we

which recreate the feelings that we had long

have not integrated the original trauma, so the feelings keep

We may

getting triggered.

not be able to stop the triggers, but

we can

learn to respond differently to those triggers.

Neurotic fear

the fear of what might happen. There

is

immediate danger, only potential danger. type of fear, fear.

we

Adoptees

because

I

In

is

no

order to maintain this

use rationalizations to invent possible objects for that

will say,

“I

can’t allow myself to get close to anyone,

might be rejected.” Richo gives three ways

in

which

rationalizations maintain fear:

•

The reason from

meant

to

keep us

in control

surprises. This control backfires

resilience,

•

is

by

by protecting us

vitiating

a prerequisite for the integration of

The reason blockades access

we

own

fear.

to adult solutions.

attached to a long-held belief that

our

We

are so

lose perspective

and

mobility for change. •

The reason

directly maintains the inertia of fear since

we go

on fearing what we refuse to confront. Richo goes on to is

meant

tion

is

to protect us

say,

from

‘The irony

in all three of

fear only protects the fear

these itself.

is

that

what

Rationaliza-

the sentry that guards not us but the fear in us!”

Guilt/Shame

The second

barrier to integration

and wholeness

is guilt.

not a feeling, but a judgment against ourselves. Guilt, too,

190

Guilt

comes

is

in

Empowering Ourselves two

varieties. Justifiable guilt

is

what one experiences when one has

harmed another person or engaged

When

mation that what we did was wrong.

amends and

conduct.

in unethical

infor-

is

It

happens we can make

that

Appropriate

try to avoid repeating the offense.

guilt is

governed by our conscience and makes us accountable for our choices

and

We

actions.

and making

can regain a sense of balance by admitting our

restitution.

by others. There Neurotic

is

can then forgive ourselves and be forgiven

a sense of integration and closure.

on the other hand,

guilt,

which we had no

We

control.

of leading to reconciliation

is

about something over

guilt

leads to blame, not accountability. Instead

It

and

integration,

it

leads to inner conflict

confusion.

It

cannot be resolved, because either

present or

it

is

Shame

is

imagined that

has no cause

it

different

we

did;

from

we

We

guilt.

shameful for

feel

who we

because

cannot be integrated.

tells

It

us that

we

belief that

many adoptees have about

have been terrible

If

they were so small, so that

terrible.

can a baby

They need really

to

remember

is

It

the

useful purpose,

Self.

This

is

the

means

done anything that they

must

to ask themselves:

How

be?

a birthmother feels shame,

it

is

probably from

some

early belief

about herself, not because of the relinquishment. Relinquishment

an

act,

which might lead to

many adoptees

It

themselves because

they were given up for adoption. They couldn’t have terrible, since

are.

are not worthy.

lowers our self-esteem and sabotages our sense of

too

the

what we did or

feel guilty for

between doing and being. Shame serves no

judgment or

in

and

a cover-up for other feelings such as sorrow or anger.

difference it

guilt

say get in the

birthmothers after reunion.

Guilt

guilt.

An

way

is

one

of the things

is

which

of their relationships with their

adoptee can never

really talk to his

birthmother about his true feelings, because that brings up his mothers guilt,

mask

and then he has to take care of for intense feelings, such as

lack of control over something

semblance of control, even

if

it

her.

Sometimes her

anger or sorrow.

that

happened

a

disguises her

to her.

means experiencing 191

It

guilt is

guilt,

Having a

sometimes

The Primal Wound seems preferable to

feeling as

if

she had no control, or experiencing

the painful truth of her situation.

In order to first

be healed from the paralyzing effects of

ascertain whether

deed, or

if

it

responsibility,

it

will

mask a more

or

be able

healing for guilt

an appropriate

adult response to a hurtful

we deny

a neurotic means by which

is

painful

feeling.

We

truth, avoid

have to

will

Then to resolve the conflict and promote healing. The is forgiveness; the healing for shame is acceptance.

determine whether what

we

is

we must

guilt,

we

are experiencing

is guilt

or shame.

Anger/Rage

A

third barrier to positive relationships

is

anger. Again,

not talking about legitimate anger at something that

That kind of anger

us.

nowhere and which it

I

am

seem

that he often

genuine and other times

is

real

and

true feelings

it.

it

is

to feel

is

will dissipate

it

it

is

aggression, which

is

passivity,

is

so buried

all.

who

suspects that

Other people always is

anger

is

more

integration.

If

anger

histrionic

at the

it

appropriate person in

and release us from the tension

It

It

It

is

a very brief feeling.

can get one going toward

releases a great deal of energy;

can point one toward assertiveness, so long as

it

appropriate to the situation.

can lead to

it

to true anger.

righting societal or personal wrongs.

stimulates power;

at

The

histrionic.

also a great motivator.

it

it

and does nothing toward

One cannot hang on

Anger

fails

then expressing

justified,

an appropriate way of

am

everyone and everything. Sometimes anger

to be angry at

drama than

I

talking about infant rage.

This rage seems so powerful to the person

him

did to

appropriate and can lead to resolution.

either explodes onto the scene or

makes one numb.

lurks within

someone

are

overwhelming anger that seems to come out of

talking about that

that

is

we

If it is

inappropriate,

it

will

stimulate

an attempt to control or intimidate others. Or

which

is

it

another form of control, controlling by

what one doesn't do. 192

Empowering Ourselves Taking Back Our Power

common

Having examined some of the most and wholeness

integration

—the

hindrances to

keep us from assuming

beliefs that

—

own power we can look at ways to begin taking our power back. By power mean “power within” not “power over.” Power within

our

I

makes

us feel calm and whole.

Power over

aggressive.

control over others.

whereas always

It

a form of aggression, intimidation, and

is

When one

feeling the

allows us to be assertive, but not

need

has true power,

it

makes us

to control others takes

free,

away our own

power. True power involves taking responsibility for our choices and actions; inviting

change; and

Many

these

of

implement a new belief

system

old friends.

is

It

to begin.

it

not as easy as

It is

a

involves

changes overlap when

to

The

we

begin to

toward old experiences. Challenging our old

attitude

is difficult

it

involves taking risks.

innovative

steps toward change.

way

and maintaining boundaries;

involves establishing

it

it

let

sounds. Those beliefs are familiar, they're

go

of them.

It

is

important to take small

exercise given earlier in this chapter

relatively safe

way

to

show

is

a good

feelings to ourselves

and

an important step toward wholeness.

to others,

Part of discovering the true self

and opinions, and being able

is

knowing our own

to express

values, ideas,

them and hold onto them

in

the face of differing viewpoints and without having to convince others

we

that

are right.

willing to

also

means keeping an open mind and being

change our ideas based on new and better information, not

on the need

The

It

flip

for approval.

side of holding

on

to our

own

values and opinions

is

to

check out our assumptions, suspicions, and doubts about others, rather than acting from our

own

own

perceptions. Perceptions are colored by our

experiences and are never truly objective. They are also

fluenced by our personalities, the world.

We

way

in

which we function

in

in-

the

need to check out our assumptions, because misunderstand193

The Primal Wound ings can

alienation

to

lead

and

important aspect of testing the

Communication

rejection.

validity of

an

is

our perceptions.

we allow others’ behavior to influence the way we act. This, may be because of false assumptions. Or it may be that we are

Often again,

personalizing everything that

happens to

us.

We assume

behavior says something about us, instead of seeing

A

about him.

him

cutting

person

off

may even go

on the freeway

is

it

as information

so far as to assume that actually doing

is

someone

something to him

Since the driver has probably never seen him before,

want to do something to him? He

that another’s

!

why would he

simply driving recklessly. This

is

information about the driver, not a personal affront to the one being

How many

cut off.

times have you taken another person’s mistake

on you?

for a personal attack

over

we can

us,

If

we want

to stop giving others control

stop reacting to their behavior and simply see

it

as

information.

This brings us to mistakes, our

we need a

to

make

risk implies

we

that risks

if

we

One

mistakes.

more whole

are to be

is

of the changes

to take risks.

Taking

not knowing the outcome of our actions. This means

are going to

make

What

mistakes.

taken that didn’t work out.

time.

own

We

Mistakes give us another

are mistakes? Mistakes are

can do something differently next

way

of gaining

information.

As

we may have feared that our parents wouldn’t approve of us if we made mistakes. That may or may not have been a true evaluation of the situation. Now, however, we need to approve of ourselves, so we can forgive ourselves our mistakes and just accept the lesson they teach us. Someone gave me this saying: “Far better children,

to dare mighty things, even though checked with failure, than to live in

the grey twilight that

One

of the risks

integrated their

own

is

knows not

we have

we can know

if

we

are to

Many people have

because they grew up

boundaries were diffuse. unless

to take

the risk of intimacy.

boundaries,

victory or defeat.”

that

It

is

in

a

become more little

sense of

home where

impossible to feel safe in a relationship

we won’t 194

get lost in

it.

There has to be a

Empowering Ourselves balance between closeness and separation, relationship and individua-

when they are between the ages of eighteen months and two years, when they toddle away from mother, then come back to make sure that she is there. They feel safe going away from her only if they know that she will be there when they return. The mother’s ability to allow the child to safely explore new Children practice

tion.

territory without the

this

mother’s being over-anxious, and her willingness

to allow the child to return safely to her loving

embrace

fill

the child

with the measure of confidence needed for healthy relationships in the future. child,

he

If

the mother cannot negotiate that period safely for her

may

forever feel

or abandoned

engulfed

either

in

his

On one

side

relationships with others.

Empowering is

ourselves

is like

a double-edged sword.

freedom, freedom from our need for approval and the constant

concern about what others think about

us;

on the other

necessity to take responsibility for our feelings

is

the

and our choices.

We We

side

we blame them. must withdraw our projections and own our own feelings, then act responsibly in the ways in which we express them. Again, we see how paradoxical life is and how balanced! no longer have

to fear others, but neither can

—

Being Assertive Being assertive means taking care of ourselves. being intrusive or intimidating. As

power it

is

give

does not

have stated before,

I

power over

within oneself, not

It

others.

A

it

is

mean

having

great deal of the time

not that others want to take power away from us, but that

up

adoptee

that power. is

Donna, an adoptee from

Florida, told

that

an

when someone steps on his toes, says, “Ow.” The idea that one is undeserving is

a person who,

“Excuse me,” instead of

based on a perception of an early experience. this belief.

me

we

As we begin

to ask directly for what

It

is

time to challenge

we want

or need,

we

must also be ready to accept that not everyone can meet those needs. Accepting disappointment

is

part of

195

becoming mature.

The Primal Wound Being assertive means being being sure. Being assertive

we must

saying,

that

mean

doesn’t necessarily

it

u

may mean

same time

think about that.” At the

our needs to be met,

clear;

I’m not sure;

we must be

also be able to say

me

let

able to ask for

“No” to what we

don’t want.

Some

people

may be angry

simply by a change in attitude or behavior.

they are

right.

It

can change

at the implication that they It

will

seem too

And

simple.

not simple or easy. Those archaic feelings and our

is

responses to them

not

will

spontaneously disappear. But

just

one

if

doesn’t have the time, money, or courage to get long-term professional

a need to begin acting “as

help, there

is

the results.

Sometimes the

results will

if,”

to take a risk, then check

be good and sometimes they

be disappointing. Accepting that one’s needs or wishes be met

the mature

is

The wounds sible

throughout our

of early childhood are often repressed

lives.

One

we have about

yet

and inacces-

they affect us in myriad ways

of the reasons for this life-long effect

the

sources of those wounds,

frequently attribute to ourselves

want

not always

to react to risk-taking.

conscious memory,

to

beliefs

way

will

—the

bad

child within.

opt for a better, more mature, but

conduct our

lives?

need

is

Only

ineffective

We

a sense that

archaic feelings

are

real.

Only

the

Do we

really

we be

way to What we do

less familiar

don’t need everyone to love us.

we

is

which we

to continue letting these beliefs manipulate us, or can

willing to

will

false selves

have no enemies.

people cause no controversy. Only fear based on will

keep us from finding our sense of

Self.

And

only

we can make the difference. Nothing is going to change unless we make it change. Deciding not to act is a choice. As Richo says, “Remember that what we are not changing, we are choosing.”

Finding a Spiritual Path

One a

of the casualties of being

spiritual perspective.

disempowered by abandonment

is

me

it

Many adoptees have 196

told

that they find

Empowering Ourselves difficult to believe in

their mothers.

It

God who

a

allows babies to be separated from

violates their sense of order in the universe, replacing

order and meaning with chaos and terror. There

a mistake, of having no right to exist

is

in the world.

a sense of being

There

is

no sense

of belonging in the family into which they were placed, that into which

they were born, or

in

the universal schema.

This sense of not belonging causes a

many adoptees have found comfort same

spiritual

in religion, for

others there

a sense that what

is

they are frauds rituals,

and

is

is

that at

with—with a sense

may be

religious organizations

of betrayal by both their

feeling of the child

children doubt their

These moral

dilemma.

Some many

demonstrate toward unwed mothers. The judg-

shame mothers

their babies also spill over into attitudes

The

in their

the result of the judgmental attitudes

mental, vindictive, punitive attitudes which

those mothers.

out.

difficulty reconciling their religious beliefs

parents and the church at getting no support of this doubting

ceremonies, or

rites,

any moment they may be found

they grew up

lives.

not meant for them, that

the inner sanctum of religious

in

Birthmothers, too, have

—those

going on

the

is

falseness about religion that they find in the rest of their

There

up

dilemma. Although

feeling of the

is “I

am

own

mother

that mistake.”

goodness, their

attitudes

may have

to

into giving

toward the offspring of

is “I

made

a mistake”; the

Both the mothers and

own acceptance

their

in the world.

do with power, the need

one group of people to exercise control over another.

In

for

such cases,

we can separate the spiritual aspect of life from the religious aspect; or if we can determine that man, not God, is making these judgments against us, perhaps we can see that there is a place for all of us in if

the universal order of things

schema. people

we

all

equal.

All

religions

—that

there are

no mistakes

in

that

have discriminated against certain groups of

women, Blacks, gays, Jews, etc.; yet belong to the Family of Man we are all related; we are all Man is not God, goddess, life-force, or higher power, and we at

need not

some time

in history:

—

let

man

determine our relationship to that higher being. 197

The Primal Wound Everyone seeks meaning

in

life.

Some

people

will

be able to

reconnect with the religion of their childhood or join another. Other

people

may want

to follow a

more personal

spiritual path.

It is

possible

to begin to believe in the rightness of things, in the legitimacy of being,

and to follow a law

is

love,

spiritual

and there

is

path which allows for this

no one from

whom

this love

Children begin to experience a spiritual sense natural wonders. difficulties,

For those

perhaps that

is

who

belief.

universal

to be withheld.

is

in their

The

connection with

are having existential or spiritual

the place to begin.

flower, touch a tree, observe a butterfly,

We

and look up

find a place in the natural order, a connection to the

find our place in the universe.

198

can

all

smell a

at the stars to

cosmos.

We

can

PART FOUR

Conclusions

199

CHAPTER

15

Further Implications of the Primal Wound

The Impact of Abandonment on Other Populations Because

my

social, as well

particular hypothesis raises

as psychological dilemmas,

the questions put to this

book has been

triad,

it

me

I

many

will try

my

during the course of

written for

philosophical and to answer

some

of

research. Although

and about members of the adoption

has implications for people other than those involved with

adoption.

There are many ways

in

many people have written to that much of what have to I

have spent the

from

their

first

which a tell

me

can be abandoned, and

that they

were not adopted, but

say also applies to them. Children

days, weeks, or

mothers by being placed

same symptoms which

child

months

who

of their lives separated

in incubators

may

experience the

relinquished babies experience. In addition,

these children have to contend with visceral, cellular, and emotional

201

The Primal Wound feelings of painful medical procedures,

many

which were performed

of

without the benefit of anesthesia, and which remain as somatic

memory

The medical profession has

traces.

either misunderstood or

sensitivity of these babies to the

chosen to ignore the

emotional pain

from mother or the physical pain of medical procedures.

of separation

Expediency, convenience, technology, and profit often take precedence over the aspects of healing which include compassion,

empathy, kindness, and mercy. Concern for the well-being of the

whole person

is

The mind/body

lost.

split

operates

still

many

in

of

our hospitals and doctors' offices today. Children growing up in alcoholic or drug-addicted families, children

whose parents are themselves

from some generational family

suffering

dysfunction in which the parents are emotionally absent from their children,

and children of divorce

some

exhibit

who

are

work

of these will in

one way or another

is difficult

to talk about, but

which may have a

impact on society

in

the near future,

growing up

in

day care centers. The need for

literally

to work, plus

the

all

of the problems which have been outlined here.

One group which significant

—

women's wanting

force,

may be

is

the group of children

to exercise their

placing children at

risk.

hard-won place

Women

a right to be whatever they want to be, but not their children.

When one

it,

in

my

certainly

in

have

expense of

at the

gives birth or adopts a baby, there

a responsibility to nurture and care for the child. Having

do

women

then

is

someone

else

opinion, compromises the emotional health of the baby.

This almost always means that parents have to

make some

sacrifices

for their child.

Do to the

I

think that the primary caretaking responsibility belongs

mother than

to the father? Yes, at least during the

of years. Everything

I

first

his

couple

have discovered about the profound, primary

connection between mother and child underscores the child's

need for

more

mother. During infancy,

I

believe

no one

else

take the place of the mother, and that her absence

tremendous impact on the

child.

Some women may 202

can

will

resent

critical

my

truly

have a placing

Further Implications of the Primal so

much

yet

and some of those choices have

to

stand by this

will

I

We need to make

mother and as a psychotherapist.

position, both as a

choices,

upon them,

of this responsibility

Wound

do with what we are

our children. Denying a mother's importance

willing to sacrifice for

to her children will not diminish or erase that importance.

sense of security probably has very

socio-economic

do with

to

little

may

sense of security

status. Rather, his

A child’s

his

or her

hinge on his

very early relationship with his mother and his subsequent relationship with both parents.

Many, many

women

What can they do their children to

if

recognize and agonize over this conflict.

they simply can’t stay

complain about

hearts that quality time

is

and acknowledge

it,

without becoming defensive about

home? They can

themselves.

it

it

will

when he wants

bring

up

their feelings

They know

in their

not the hour between seven and eight at

night or a Saturday afternoon. Quality time for a child available

allow

day or night.

her,

If

is

mother

feelings for the child, feelings that the

having mother

is

not available,

mother

will

have

to be prepared to acknowledge and validate.

We will have to examine the and our

we have no

children. Just because

our children have no feelings.

our children.

When we do

impact of our decisions upon ourselves

“I

can’t help

that,

we

choice doesn’t

it” is

talking about feelings

even having feelings

is

not

all

that

not a reason to silence

miss a wonderful opportunity to

understand our children and to soothe them.

prehend that

mean

is

right.

not

all

And

they begin to com-

right,

and

that

perhaps

Children need to be able to talk

about their feelings, so that the feelings don’t become bigger than

life

or repressed. Listen to your children today, so they won’t have to pay

a therapist to do so

I

twenty years from now!

also believe that fathers are very important in the lives of children

and can

certainly take over

belief that

puts

fifteen or

me

at

all

much

of the caretaking at

some

point.

My

children have a right to have both parents in their lives

odds with some single

women who want

to have children

without acknowledging the biological father or without having a male

203

The Primal Wound influence in the

life

There

of their child.

is

often a vindictive quality

women, and for This may be especially

to this practice which needs to be explored by the

which the difficult for

women

tell

suffer.

who need to identify with their me, “We need our fathers, too!"). Men

fathers (although

boys,

acknowledge the pain they

feel

are beginning to

about the absence of a father

in their

as they were growing up.

lives

Related to this issue

when

insemination,

whether

No one

it

the practice of using

is

sperm banks, which

for

have to

child should not

believe

I

necessary,

anonymous donors

should be abolished.

may be

all right,

but not

if

Artificial

the donor,

be a sperm or egg donor, wishes to remain anonymous.

should be anonymous. Everyone has a right to

know

his or

her biological heritage. In addition to not is

knowing who one’s

biological parents are, there

the problem of multiple sperm or eggs being donated by a single

person. This brings

up the

possibility of

on reunions, doesn’t happen only

attraction, explained in the chapter in

adoptive situations.

It

who

attracted to those

look

like

in

like falling in

live

again, because

if

someone

indeed be marrying his

us or are in

sister.

is

We now

DNA

because

families,

some way

tests will

This promises to

are

familiar to us.

become a

to be addressed.

Rex

big

will

may

problem

There may be a

be required for obtaining marriage licenses!

have such a wide array of options for

as surrogacy, IVF,

we

not marrying his mother, he

“anonymous" people and needs

day when

many

love with the other half of ourselves. Oedipus

It is

for

happens

Genetic sexual

inbreeding.

childless couples,

anonymous sperm banks, egg donors, and so

that the possibilities for psychological

such forth,

trauma are staggering.

The Surrogacy Myth As

far as

surrogacy

wrong mother

is

is

concerned,

it

should

first

be noted that the

labeled the surrogate in this practice.

gives birth to a baby

is

A woman who

the mother of that baby, not a surrogate

204

Further Implications of the Primal mother. The surrogate

is

Wound who

the substitute mother, the one

acts in

place of the mother, or in this case, the adoptive mother for

the

misnamed

“surrogate”

This distinction reversal of truth

we

is

giving birth.

is

very important, because

which has given an

If

easier to

deny her importance

forth, infants separated

Therefore

it

it

may be

the surrogacy

air of legitimacy to

from

her child’s

in

their

mothers

it

As my

life.

complete

this

the real mother the surrogate mother,

program.

call

whom

makes

thesis sets

suffer a narcissistic

would seem obvious that to conceive a

it

wound.

child with the

intention of separating from that child would be setting the child up for psychological distress.

harm

out to

case of Baby to

keep

children;

their

consequences

will

These mothers are not

deliberately setting

they are just unaware

be when that connection

M and many others,

is

what the

of

severed. (Or, as in the

they change their minds and want

if

their babies, they are considered unstable!) In

some

recent

surrogacy contracts have been given preference over the

cases,

who have changed their minds early in the pregnancy. If contracts for human life take precedence over maternal instincts and the psychological well-being of children, we are in trouble of mothers

instincts

as a society.

I

have given a great deal of thought to the question of which

is

the “real” mother in the case of a surrogate carrying the biological child of

another woman.

with the other

woman’s

sperm or the sperm this case in the

is

In this instance, the surrogate

egg, which

of a donor.

may be

The

“surrogate” or gestating

make

impact of separation from her on the child? is

the emotional trauma of separation in

no way

impregnated

with her husband’s

fertilized

not the biological mother. Would this

think that the profound connection

is

in

will

I

mother

in

a difference

don’t think so.

I

the prenatal bonding and that

occur even

when

the child

is

genetically connected to the gestating mother. Children are

as genetically connected to their fathers as to their mothers, yet

separation from father is

is

not a trauma to a newborn. That connection

established later. Since the child will have a genetic connection to

both of his biological parents, they, too,

205

will

play a part in his

The Primal Wound understanding of himself. Whether he

who

him

carried

in

mother, the child

The Need for

We now

her

will

womb

for nine

separated from the mother

is

months or from the

some

probably suffer

biological

kind of trauma.

Integrity

have the technical

capabilities to create families in a

made it possible for many previously infertile couples to bear children. As long as the mother and child are not separated and the father is known and preferably variety of ways. In vitro fertilization has

present in the family, this

is,

to

me, a better method

we have

than surrogacy. Whatever the method, however,

that

our technical

we remain

to be

what we are doing. Unfortunately,

of the consequences of cases,

of having a child

,

about the impact of our endeavors. Or, as

Ian Malcolm, a character in Michael Crichton’s thriller Jurassic

on whether they can do something. They never stop

they should do something.”

ask

if

just

because

we can do

This question decades.

Park

We

is

We

,

So they

says “Scientists are actually preoccupied with accomplishment. are focused

many

exceed our moral integrity so

abilities greatly

in denial

in

aware

to

need to begin to ask ourselves,

something, does that

mean

going to be very important

must not lose sight of the

in

effect

that

we should?

the next couple of

our manipulation

have on the “products” of that technology. The upcoming

will

fields of

molecular biology and genetic engineering, which for the most part

remain unregulated,

will

need the influence of

compassionate, and highly principled people a society

made up

of emotionally

and

if

intelligent,

we

honest,

are to evolve into

spiritually healthy individuals.

The Wicked Stepmother One

of the

they feel

like

children.

No

comments made

to

a wicked stepmother

me

by adoptive mothers

in their relations

is

that

with their adopted

matter what they do, they are perceived as being to

blame for everything that goes wrong 206

in their children's lives. All

the

Further Implications of the Primal

Wound

wicked stepmother stereotypes come to mind. The wicked stepmother is

a frequent character

in fairy tales.

In this

we hear

breaking up and blending of families,

Much

ing.

of

what

about the adoptive mother.

It

hateful to the child, but that

becomes

child she

remember a

I

on stage with

she

not be that she just the

is

about stepparent-

lot

is

either wicked or

wrong mother. So

to the

dark, wicked, or ominous.

talk

show program

their fathers

ing to the children

may

a

stepmother could also be said

said about the

is

day of divorce and the

how

in

which several children were

and stepmothers. The host kept emphasiz-

hard these substitute mothers were trying “to

be there" for them, to help them, and to love them; yet the children

would not accept them accepted.

No one was

one

boy of

little

understood that person;

one

it

else

was

in the

“getting

that the stepmothers

it,”

least of

just trying to exert it

all

just that the child

accused

his family.

No one

how

his or her

a hindrance to

this

own

mother.

for their parents to get

The new

less conscious.

happening.

Even though most adoptive parents come

the adoption picture with a sincere desire to do what child, in the

unconscious of the child there

mother and a desire

is

a

mother may get caught up

and

into

best for the

memory

of the other

The adoptive mother seems like with his first mother. In some cases

in the difficulty

act inappropriately

plus the child’s unconscious

same

is

is

the child actually feels stolen by the adoptive parents.

give rise to the

it

to be with her.

a hindrance to the child’s reuniting

her, feel rejected,

back

wife, the

This scenario also gets played out with adoptees, although

much

No

wonderful she was. Most children

together so that the family can be whole again. is

who

the host,

power over

wanted

want nothing more than

stepmother,

wanted to be

wasn’t about the stepmother’s not being a good

would do, no matter

of divorce

way

knowing

An

adoptive

her child has in accepting

toward him. Her behavior

that this

is

the “wrong” mother

image or archetype of the wicked stepmother. At the

time, the child fears that this mother, too, might

abandon him;

the anxiety goes up, the acting out increases, the adoptive mother reacts,

and she looks even more

like

207

the wicked stepmother.

The Primal Wound

Of course

there are adoptive parents, just as there are non-adop-

who

tive parents,

put their child

are so dysfunctional themselves that they cannot

But often the perception on the part of the adoptee

first.

that the adoptive

mother

is

some

manifestation of the wicked step-

mother needs to be reexamined by him when he reaches adulthood.

A

on

great deal of projective identification goes

in

adoptive homes.

The provocation and outrageous behavior on the

many

adoptees has caused raging maniac.

Had we

not gotten help,

Witch of the West!

I

I

me

not been

I

to be the

in

like

therapy, she

Wicked Witch

probably would have

no

of the West.

become

the Wicked

have encouraged adoptive parents to distinguish

between behavior and personality when dealing with

now

some

of

a calm, sensitive mother to become a

Had my daughter and

doubt would have perceived

part

grown

to encourage their

children to

Feeling rejected

makes people do a

Fetal Alcohol

Syndrome and

lot

the

children;

do the same

I

would

for them.

of things they regret.

Adopted Child

For a long time adoptive parents have been puzzled by the aggressive behavior of to

do about

came

out,

it.

some

of their children

and stymied as

to

what

Ever since Michael Dorris' book The Broken Cord

was made

TV

into a

movie, and then featured on 20/20

there has been a barrage of inquiries and letters from parents

,

who

are sure that their children are suffering from fetal alcohol syndrome.

A

disproportionate

While

is

it

no doubt

this disability,

suffering

number

it

is

from the

of those letters are from adoptive parents.

some adopted children are victims of that many of these children are instead

true that

my

belief

effects of separation

wound may be exacerbated by FAS, difficult

behavior or problems

What seems been noticing it

is

to have

this

but not

school are

happened

is

all

FAS

children

who

exhibit

children.

that adoptive parents,

who have

behavior for years, have found something to “pin

on.” These parents are

now an

in

from the birthmother. This

now coming

“explanation”

for

the

208

out of the closet, because there

way

their

children

are

acting.

Further Implications of the Primal

Previously, the only explanation

good enough

parents. Parents

were often blamed

for help

and teachers

friends,

seemed

who had

Wound

to be that they

were not being

go

the courage to

to therapists

for their children’s problems. Relatives,

mother, for

criticized the parents, especially the

not being finn enough, or for allowing the child to abuse them. With

FAS

the advent of drug addicted or

explanation for the kinds of problems

babies,

many

here at

was the

last

parents had been afraid

to talk about.

The danger parents might is

no way

assuming

in

feel

try to ascertain

separation from her. suffering

is

caused by

FAS

is

that the

hopeless about helping their children, since there

drink during pregnancy, or

sent

behavior

to repair the neurological

important to

was

this

damage caused by FAS.

very

whether or not the birthmother did indeed if

the child

instead suffering the pain of

is

seemed apparent

It

It is

to

me

Adam

that Dorris’ son

from both the primal wound and FAS. Informed con-

—about FAS or other complications such as sexual abuse should

be a law. This

not so that only “perfect” babies

is

will

be adopted,

but so that children with problems can be helped.

Dorris’ wife said is

significant.

missing. This

She is

something on the 20/20 segment which

said that

exactly

it

seemed as

if

I

think

a part of Adam’s soul was

what adoptees say to me, whether or not

their

mothers had been drinking. Dorris had no way of knowing that the primal to

wound was

whom

Adam’s

Adam

he took

been aware of

there

it,

feelings,

operating in

even

effects of the alcohol.

on some

level

if

Adam, because none

of the “experts”

for help ever suggested such a thing. Flad

may have been ways he

he

could have validated

he couldn’t have taken away the neurological

He

calls his

book The Broken Cord so perhaps ,

he suspects such a wound

exists.

Had

the primal

wound

explanation been available, however, he might not have pursued the

problem of

FAS

until

will

he found out about FAS. The discovery of the

help

Alcoholism

many is

effects

parents understand their children.

mothers are not the only

women who 209

many

and

birth-

drink during pregnancy.

More

a problem for many,

families,

The Primal Wound studies

discover which

primal

FAS in order to FAS and which are

need to be done on non-adopted victims of

wound

symptoms

are really related to

issues that are complicated by

FAS. There

is

work

to

be done!

The Question of Abortion The question it

be better for a

is

often put to me:

woman

to have

adoption

It is,

like

much

to be understood as such. Yet there

today about which

we

so

is

an abortion?” This,

adoption, has no one right answer.

and deserves

“If

is

of

difficult,

would

like

the issue of

life,

paradoxical

probably no subject

are so polarized, neither side admitting the

truths about the other’s point of view or admitting the fallacies of

own. Many women, however,

They

feelings about abortion.

option, but is

to

definitely

hope

just

make an informed

make

is difficult

is

the opportunity

because of the blurring

sides of the debate.

The belief that the being within the pregnant woman is, human life from the moment of conception has less to do with than with in

its

logic.

earliest

What can stage

an

What

that choice.

as in the case of adoption,

choice. This

from both

have mixed

believe that the choice should be

that they will never have to

needed,

of the issues

in their heart of hearts,

its

of

the organism be

if it

not a

is

development? Before a

indeed, religion

human

woman

being

seeks an

To be pregnant means to be “with child.” Yet some pro-choice advocates make having an abortion sound like removing some appendage, some unnecessary part of the woman’s own body. (One woman was told to think of it as if she were abortion, she must

first

be pregnant.

having her appendix removed!) The zygote/fetus

which It is

is

attached to the woman’s body, but

a separate being and

it is

alive.

with the tactic of making something is.

is

a separate entity

not part of her body.

Birthmothers

seem

is

may

also be familiar

less traumatic

than

it

actually

Diminishing the impact of her decision, whether that decision

abort or to relinquish,

is

dishonest and does not help a

an informed choice. 210

is

to

woman make

Further Implications of the Primal

Wound

Somewhere deep within, a woman knows that she has begun to nurture a new life and that having an abortion means ending that life. She does not need someone trying to convince her that this is not true. What she does need is help in handling the emotional fall-out from her decision, so unconscious

guilt. In

she does not have to

that

live

a

life

of

her excellent book Soul Crisis, Sue Nathanson

deals honestly and sensitively with the difficult decision to have an

abortion.

tence of least

She was and

some

radical pro-choice people, this

one bookstore

refused to

pro-choice, but unfortunately, at the insis-

is

make her

(in

Berkeley, of

all

book was banned

places!),

abortion experience sound

in at

because the author like

having a tooth

extracted. This attitude just gives fodder to the pro-life people,

who

are also dealing in partial truths.

Pro-lifers blithely

advocate “adoption, not abortion,” completely

denying or ignoring the psychological consequences of that painful solution

on

either the

mother or the

recommend adoption over the baby

was “conceived

has caused

many

mothers to

suffer the

some time

death.

who may have been is

still

up

life

kept by their her.

psychologically part of the

from her

may

own

If

the

mother feel like

may make some adoptive happy, but it may destine the child to

for adoption

parents and pro-life advocates

a

This judgmental narrow-mindedness

after birth, that separation

Putting a baby

pro-lifers actually

trauma of that separation from

zygote/embryo/fetus/baby until

Some

the mother's keeping the baby, because

in sin”!

babies

child.

of emotional turmoil.

Difficult Choices

There are no easy answers. really don’t is

in denial

know.

It

We

does seem as

about what the other

the wonders of adoption,

have strongly held if

is

we

each side of the abortion issue saying. Pro-life people espouse

completely ignoring the

alternative, or the painful lives of

beliefs, but

pitfalls

unwanted children who

of this

daily suffer

unspeakable atrocities at the hands of abusive parents. Pro-choice 211

The Primal Wound people often deny that what a mother and

mother

is

even

she manages to stay

if

is

in fact

being destroyed

is

and that the

life

be impacted by choosing to abort,

will

in denial for

Women who

twenty years.

have had abortions and have also given up a child for adoption

most often say

them

was the more

that adoption

to deal with, because the child

difficult of

will

the two for

“out there" somewhere, and

is

they have no idea what happened to him.

What do adoptees

think?

One

of the

first

questions

ask their birthmothers upon meeting them for the

first

time

many is, “If

of

them

abortion

were an option then, would you have aborted me?" Or, the younger adoptees

will ask,

you were pregnant with me?" to be “Yes."

whom

with

In neither

that they

They may have problems,

abortion.

in

so

much

pain

had been aborted, most of those

spoken are thankful that

I’ve

learned that

do they want the answer

case

Even though some adoptees have been

may have wished

that they

when you

“Did you think about abortion

their

mothers did not have an

but they have

life.

More Honesty and Support Less Judgment ,

It is

important to be honest with a

abortion about the fact that there

may have some mind just

that

feelings about

women who

is,

woman who may

indeed,

life

ending that

within her

life.

We

first

and

that she

need to keep

have had abortions need to mourn their

as birthmothers do, and that society needs to help

can help

be seeking an

by recognizing that a

life

existed, then

them do

so.

in

loss,

We

by showing com-

passion for the mother. There has to be a period of forgiveness and

renewal after the grieving process has been completed, so that these significant

life

events do not paralyze or inhibit subsequent responses to

the generative instinct or the parenting process.

Although

women

carry a baby to term, to ensure that

should have a choice about whether or not to it

is

women do

a

terrible choice,

not have to

make

and we should do more that painful choice.

The

alternatives should include the quaint idea of self-control or abstinence.

212

Further Implications of the Primal

In addition to

Wound

being a religious/moral issue, being sexually active

also a psychological/social issue. Just because a person

capable of having sexual intercourse does not

physically

is

mean

is

one

that

is

Many this. And

emotionally or psychologically ready for a sexual relationship.

young people

we

just

want to

feel loved.

are failing to impart to

these kinds of decisions

will

make a conscious choice

We

are failing

them

in

them the tremendous emotional impact have on the

rest of their lives.

they do

If

to be in a sexual relationship, then they

should have information and access to birth control methods and devices, so that their next decision does not decision.

If

need to be a

life

or death

pregnancy does occur, there are three choices: keep the

baby, have an abortion, or put the baby up for adoption. All three

choices will have life-long consequences for both mother

If

a

woman

and

should decide to have an abortion, perhaps

it

child.

would

be best to err on the side of caution and make abortion procedures as

humane

as possible (for the developing fetus, as well as for the

mother). There

is

now enough

evidence of people being able to

remember, through the use of hypnosis, attempted abortions, to make

one stop to think

we can do

that the least

is

to anesthetize those

human 1992 for

involved in the abortion process and recognize the fetus as a

being whose feelings need to be honored.

many

in

It

has taken

until

the medical profession to recognize that infants can feel

medical procedures and that they do

much

better

when

fully

anes-

when they have to feel the terrible pain of those procedures. How much longer are we going to remain in the dark about what the fetus feels? What do doctors suppose recoil action means anyway if it doesn’t mean that something is painful, intrusive, thetized than

or abhorrent to the organism? Perhaps detachment has replaced

compassion

in

too

many

doctors’ professional attitudes.

True Beliefs or Convenience?

Many

of our beliefs are simply a matter of convenience.

to believe that

we can

substitute

mothers than to take the 213

It is

easier

responsibility

The Primal Wound for believing otherwise.

It

is

easier to believe that fetuses are not really

human

beings than to go through the conscious choice of ending a

life.

is

It

easier to believe

that

babies feel

none

of the

medical

procedures performed upon them than to take the precautions necessary to alleviate pain.

It is

easier to believe that turning over the rearing

of our children to rotating nannies or day care providers will not

harm

them, than to put our careers on hold, stay home, and give up some of the material advantages of

two incomes.

It

is

easier to believe that

our children are too young to remember and thus be hurt by sexual

abuse than to leave the abusing parent. It is

painful

time that

work

of

we

stop denying painful truths in order to avoid the

making

difficult

well-being of our children.

Our

decisions, decisions failure to

which

affect the

keep our children safe and

secure puts them in a perpetual state of anxiety.

It

is

time to

listen to

our children and to put their welfare ahead of our own. Adopted children, foster children, stepchildren, biological children

—

all

deserve nothing less than our very best love and protection.

214

children

CHAPTER

16

Honor Thy Children

Challenging Old Assumptions There has been a general assumption on the part of many people that

if

a relinquished child

enough, he tion to

will

which

I

is

placed with adoptive parents early

not experience separation trauma. This

have taken exception.

have used to challenge

this

Some

is

an assump-

of the research

which

I

assumption pertains to the importance of

prenatal bonding, the physiological and psychological preparation for birth

by the mother, the amazing awareness of infants at

birth,

and

the significance of early postnatal bonding and imprinting experiences,

which

will

be different for infants

than for those

who

who experience

a bonding continuum

experience separation from the biological mother.

Another assumption, which

is

perpetuated by some social

workers, adoption agencies, and other adoption facilitators

an adoptive couple loves a

child

enough, he

will

be

fine.

is

that

if

This places

tremendous expectations upon both the adoptive parents and the 215

The Primal Wound child,

because

it

completely ignores the idea that love

a form of

is

communication, which has to be received as well as given. For a

who

has been given up by the one person

in

the world from

he might have been able to expect unconditional

from anyone

trust love

else

is,

I

child

whom

love, the ability to

believe, impaired.

The Mother Connection There

an assumption inherent

is

relationship

is

my

theory that the primary

the one between mother and child. This assumption

my

based upon

in

is

understanding of the current research into prenatal

physiological, hormonal,

and psychological connections to the

fetus in

utero and of the subsequent part the mother plays as representative of the

newborn

human

that

s Self, as related

by

Neuman and

beings are adaptable, but there

by Mahler. is

much

It is

that

understood

is

yet to be

learned about the cost of that adaptability so far as the substitution of

mothers

is

concerned. This

is

especially true

if

that adaptation

begin at the preconscious, preverbal stage of post-uterine

What this research implies to me is may lie in the initial relationship of a mother/child relationship seems to mystical.

The

early

me

had to

life.

that the key to self-esteem child

to his mother.

This

to be so profound as to be

bonding experience, a continuum between the

prenatal and postnatal experience of the mother/child unity, suffusing the child with concomitant feelings of security, trust, and unconditional love,

may go

a long

way toward sending a

child

on the path

of

self-esteem and self-worth.

Putting the Well-Being of the Child First I

believe that society

who want

to

would benefit from making sure that mothers

and are emotionally capable of caring

be encouraged and allowed to do

we

take babies

so.

It

makes no sense

away from mothers who have no 216

for their children

to

me

that

financial resources,

Honor Thy Children and then pay someone else

(foster parents) to take care of

Some women

not pay the real mother?

are courageous enough to

withstand the scorn of society and the humiliation by family to

go on welfare and keep

Why

them.

their children. This

is

members

not easy because of

the stigma attached to such an arrangement.

know one such courageous woman. When she became pregnant

I

she refused to give up her baby, even though her parents disowned her.

She went on welfare

with her baby and give her a

good

start in life.

This was a humiliating

experience for her, but she was willing to face the humiliation to give her daughter a strong connection to her

and first

security. This

—before

material comfort.

daughter

who

It

trusts

was a

sacrifice,

people and

knowledge. They “blew

be

selfish,”

is

but

order

feeling of love

of her baby

it”

it

lose faith in their

own

inner

by getting pregnant. They can no longer listen to “authorities.”

they are told. “Give your baby to if

paid off in a wonderful

not afraid of intimacy.

or instincts, so they

care for him.” Even

in

her relationship with her parents, her career, or

Many pregnant women, however, trust their intuition

and a

was a woman who put the welfare

herself,

home

for three years so that she could stay

“Don’t

someone who can

really

they question the idea of anyone else’s being

able to take care of their babies as well as they would, they begin to feel

selfish

for

even entertaining the idea of doing

so.

They are

vulnerable and confused, and unscrupulous people take advantage of that vulnerability, thereby

condemning both mother and

child to lives

of yearning and torment.

What It

of

Constitutes Security? is

thus that society’s tendency to be judgmental gets in the

making good

decisions.

what makes children television

There needs to be a

feel secure.

Consider

way

different attitude

toward

A woman

on the

this story:

program “Unsolved Mysteries” had always been perplexed by

her fascination with stories and movies about prison. Only while reading

217

The Primal Wound

warm and

or viewing these stories did she feel

secure.

It

was

her birthmother that she learned that she had spent the of her in

prison with her mother.

life in

an expensive home,

small,

an

in

She was not

who had

first

in the

ten

months

a beautiful room,

She was

exclusive neighborhood.

perhaps dim room; but she was

a mother

in

after finding

company

in

a

of her mother,

bond with her before

plenty of time to love and

having to give her up for adoption. That ten-month period was the on/y time

in

her

we

can

that she

life

learn

from hearing

What does

secure!

felt

this

woman’s

this

tell

What

us?

lesson

story?

The Future of Adoption What about

adoption, then?

tating for the child,

to answer.

If

what should we do? This

depends on many

It

the separation trauma

solution for those children

factors.

who would

is

This

is

is,

in

not an easy question

Adoption

is

the best

still

otherwise languish in foster care

or orphanages. But the procurement of babies by

going on today

so devas-

is

some

of the

essence, the buying and selling of

methods

human

lives.

unconscionable.

Too

often adoption facilitators are

more concerned

economic, rather than psychological, emotional, or

There

fixing

up a nursery or having enough money

education. There willingness to

intellectual considera-

a great deal more to preparing for an adopted child than

tions.

is

with socio-

is

a

become

real

need

truly

in the

bank

for a college

for emotional stability, honesty,

informed about what

this

process

and the

means

for

the adopting parents and for their child. Prospective adoptive parents

must

first

make

to be adopted,

sure that the child they are about to adopt really needs

and then they must ask themselves

if

they are really

prepared emotionally and psychologically to meet the needs of that

Taking one of the

truly

needy children

undertaking, because they have had so

may have been

into one’s

many

home

is

child.

a risky

separation traumas and

otherwise abused, emotionally, physically, or sexually.

Rearing one of these children

is

a challenge which takes a mature,

218

Honor Thy Children

One

stable couple to meet.

and expect nothing

has to be willing to

in return. (This

does not mean that they

nothing, just that they should expect nothing.)

a couple to

know

their

because these children

Not everyone

who

truly

is

need

own will

own

their buttons. This

vulnerabilities, is

a dilemma.

cut out to adopt these children, yet they are the

A

homes.

stable

child

get

needs the best chance

ones

at

life

he can have, and no one has the ultimate answer as to what that

that

might be. Someone once

we

all

will

necessary for such

It is

Achilles’ heels, their

push

a great deal

sacrifice

we do anything

however, that before

said,

should ask ourselves this question:

“Is this

good

for our children?”

Lowering Expectations

We know that

love

is

good

children,

parents need to be

adoptee’s

ability to

for children, but in the case of realistic

in

their expectations of the

accept love freely or to return

it.

Trust builds very

slowly after a profound separation such as that which

experience. This love; loss. it

it

is

a

is

way

not a rejection of the person

in

which the

who

is

all

adoptees

trying to give

child protects himself against further

This behavior makes a great deal of sense, yet at the

is difficult

adopted

same time

to accept.

Adoptive parents need to be assured that adopting a child

is

very

important, and that they need not consider themselves failures as parents if

their children

life

seem unable

of the family has

to respond as they or others expect.

begun with a handicap

profound, immediate postnatal history

—

The

their child’s short, but

—a span of time which has

largely

been ignored by parents and professionals as having anything to do with

what

is

going on

in

adoptive family

life.

Yet, in

my

opinion,

it

is

quintessential to understanding the dynamics of the adoptive family.

Society's Attitudes

My

purpose

Must Change

in writing this

book

but to add to the understanding of

219

is

it.

not to discourage adoption,

What each

individual

mother

The Primal Wound decides to do

when she

finds herself pregnant, she

needs to do with

the most information she can obtain about the whole concept of

and the mother/child

own

as well as her

relationship,

life

personal

and circumstances. And whatever her decision hap-

feelings, beliefs,

pens to be, she needs love and support from those closest to her.

Adoptees have a

them

validated,

and

right to

to

understand their

have the

clinicians to

understand their issues of abandonment and

have been made to

feel

been responding to

abnormal or crazy,

own

have

feelings, to

whom

they go for help

Too many of them when they have simply

loss.

that early experience.

Every potential adoptive couple needs to be informed about the

wound and

primal

the impact

have on them, their

will

it

their child’s biological

mother. In preparing for their

should explore their

own

includes the loss of their

issues

fertility,

or divorce. All of these losses,

new

abandonment and

of

child, child,

they

loss.

This

as well as losses resulting from death if

unresolved,

may make them

nerable and defensive about their child’s feelings of rejection and

The

best

gift

own

an adoptive couple can give

issues of

abandonment and

took).

The degree

to which this has

affect

how

their

I

to

they act and react

realize that

end

this

children

book by painting a rosy

a

who cannot

fairy tale in

is

loss (whatever

to

may be

form those

and complex process

for

issues

will greatly

be more comfortable

I

can’t, in

if

I

were

and giving

picture of adoption

it

good conscience, do

the best solution to the problem of

be kept by their biological parents,

which everyone

loss.

work through

been accomplished

many people would

Although adoption

their child

vul-

in their relationship to their child.

a positive send-off, so to speak. But that.

and

lives

“happily ever

after.’’

everyone concerned.

It

It

it

is

is

a

not

like

difficult

deserves to be

understood and honored as such. Denial and secrecy have no place in this process.

Talking about his adoption and his other family should be a part of every adoptee's relationship with his adoptive parents. This

220

will in

Honor Thy Children no way make them any him

less

important to him.

It

will,

instead,

show

know about this Honesty and understanding will only serve to make the relationship stronger. One can force dependency upon

that they understand his feelings

heritage.

adoptive

and

his

need

to

another person, but one cannot force love and respect.

my hope

is

It

of adoption as a life-long issues to issues

book has contributed

that this

and complex process, which

work through. The manner

will

to the understanding

in

results in

myriad

which we respond to those

have a great deal to do with the developmental and

emotional health of the adoptee, the emotional healing of his mother, and the success of the adoptive family

unit.

Many

birth-

of the

suggestions herein can also be helpful in any family situation.

The

most important lesson may be

and

that of validating a child’s feelings

teaching him ways in which to respond responsibly to those feelings.

The Mystic Aspect I

me

will

by adoptees

with

in the

names and

synchronicity.

me

two unusual experiences, which were

close with

related to

course of the early interviews. Both had to do

the timing of events, or what C. G. Jung calls

These were the

over the years. They

first

of

many such phenomena

made me

told to

begin to wonder about the

unconscious connection which might exist between an adoptee and his or her biological family.

Both of these events happened to adoptees

who had

families.

found their birth

In the first case, the

another child

making her mother

when

feel

adoptee’s adoptive family decided to adopt

the adoptee

was

thirteen years old.

As a way

of

new adoption process, the adoptive she could name the baby. The baby was a girl, Diane. Years later, when she had found her

a part of the

told her that

and she named her

birthmother, she discovered that exactly four years to the day of her

own

birthday, her birthmother

had given

birth to

had named her Diane. The adoptee had two 221

another

sisters

little girl

named

and

Diane.

The Primal Wound second

In the

story, the

adoptee had

finally

after having

been reunited with her mother

adoptee had

lived with

life,

both of them for the

until their divorce.)

It

was then

Darrell,

birth father,

some

for

(The

time.

four years of her

first

that she discovered that her father

had remarried and had a son, the adoptee’s

was

found her

half brother.

His

name

and he had died on the same day that her own daughter

had been born. She had had no idea what to name her new baby and had

just

gone through a book

decided that that wasn't quite

she would

name

her

little

names until she came right. She kept going

to Carol, but

of

.

Darrell. Yes,

.

So, unknowingly, the

Darrell.

girl

.

new

own brother died (a brother had been unaware of), named her new daughter

mother, giving birth on the day that her

whose existence she after him.

I

me am

found these two

since, fascinating.

stories,

and those which people have

wanted to end

I

this

book with them, because

I

how many ways are we connected And equally important: Why should

intrigued by the question: In just

with those

who came

anyone have the If

we

before us?

right to

keep us from renewing those connections?

are going to put children

first,

we

are going to have to face

with courage and determination the truths about

impact these children.

painful

it

may

We

how

our decisions

are going to have to challenge our pre-

and deal with

No

how

difficult

and

be, acknowledging our vulnerabilities, limitations,

and

viously held ideas

reality.

obstinacy in dealing with adoption relationships with our children. it.

related to

is

Our

matter

more honest

crucial to having

children deserve

We

it.

deserve

Let us begin! I’ve

always wished that Moses had remained on Mt. Sinai a

longer and that

God had

given him an eleventh

thy children. Oh, what a different world

222

it

little

commandment: Honor

might be.

.

.

.

GLOSSARY (ADD)

attention deficit disorder

A

(n.)

motor

consisting of inattention, impulsivity, excessive to set or achieve goals.

seem

like

the disorder

and an

activity,

inability

present without hyperactivity,

is

it

may

day-dreaming.

avoidance in

If

syndrome with symptoms

(n.)

A

defense mechanism used

in

phobias and anxiety disorders

which one refuses to encounter or acknowledge situations or

activities

which represent some type of impulse, such as aggressive, angry, or sexual impulses, or the punishment for those impulses.

counterphobic

(adj.)

A

of which they are afraid. fear

is

that

denial into

he

A

(n.)

will

condition whereby a person seeks the very situation

An adoptee may

run away, for instance,

when

his

be abandoned.

primitive defense

mechanism

in

which one refuses to allow

consciousness a painful truth or unpleasant

reality,

such as a

birthmother’s being in denial about the pain of separation from her child.

Denial

also used to refer to a

is

more conscious form

of resistance to reality,

such as adoptive parents denying that adoptive families are different from biological families.

imago (n.) An image formed someone

else,

image of the

such as

original

intellectualize

(v.)

someone which represents the mother imago. This imago may be an idealized in

the unconscious of

person and

A means

situation or experience

may

also be seen as

an archetype.

by which one can stave

off feelings

by rational means, which makes one

has more control over experiences and their effects than Intellectualization

is

feel

about a

as

if

one

actually true.

is

used as a defense mechanism, most often to avoid painful

feelings.

mirror

(v.)

To

reflect back, especially with babies, children’s

own image

of

themselves so that they find that image to be positive. Mirroring, something that

mothers do

narcissism

(n.)

naturally, builds self-esteem in children.

Self-love,

human development when

concern for

self.

Primary narcissism

is

a stage of

children are concerned with getting their needs

met, have no concern for others, and harbor feelings of omnipotence.

223

If

a

The Primal Wound does not get

child

needs met

his

in childhood, narcissism

may

continue into

adulthood and be considered pathological.

post-traumatic stress disorder an

atrocity

is

(n.)

A

psychological diagnosis

simultaneously or alternately relived

in

in

which

present circumstances

or kept from consciousness by numbness of affect. This disorder

is

charac-

terized by recurrent or intrusive recollections of the trauma, recurrent

dreams

of the event, feeling

and acting as

because of “triggers”

if

the event were happening in the present

the environment, withdrawing from the external

in

world, hyperalertness, sleep disturbance, difficulty concentrating, or an intensifying of feelings during

presenting problem

experiences which symbolize the traumatic event.

The reason a

(n.)

psychotherapy. Although one's

life

potential patient gives for beginning

may have been

difficult for

some

time,

often takes a crisis or intolerable situation for a person to seek help.

presenting problem

is

usually only a

trauma or experience which

preverbal

is

symptom

being reactivated

of

in

some

it

The

long-term, buried

the present circumstances.

Before having words for something. Preverbal feelings, such

(adj.)

as those experienced by adoptees, are not easy to describe because they originated before the person could speak.

To

upon another person the attitudes, ideas, feelings, or impulses that belong to oneself. These attitudes or impulses are usually considered by the one projecting them to be undesirable or dangerous. This mechanism is often unconscious and is sometimes used as a means of handling internal conflict as if it were an external problem. project

(v.)

cast

projective identification or pain feel

known by

(n.)

A means by

acting in such a

what the projector

is

way as

which one makes one's feelings

to cause another person to actually

feeling. Projective identification

can be used as a

defense mechanism, a form of communication, or a form of object relations. Acting-out children use projective identification to communicate to their

parents the chaos, rage, and helplessness they feel inside.

repression memories,

(n.)

A

defense mechanism used to banish or eject painful

feelings, or impulses. Primal repression is that

been allowed up

into consciousness.

The

which has never

early experience of separation

from

the mother and sexual molestation during infancy or early childhood are two

examples of painful experiences which are often repressed.

The essence or core-being of a person giving one a sense of wholeness. The Self often gets lost as a result of early trauma and a feeling of having to act in such a way as to avoid re-experiencing that trauma. A Self

(n.)

224

Glossary person knows when he of anxiety

and a

feeling of

suicidal ideation ideation

(n.)

acting from the true Self because there

is

An

idea to cause one's

means

own death by

is

it

may be an

held in abeyance, like a door always

of avoiding painful feelings or situations.

door'' interferes with healing by negating the

feelings.

225

self.

suicide. Suicidal

by a plan for one's death, or

obsession with the idea of death which

“open

a lack

congruency between the internal and external

may be accompanied

kept open, as a possible

is

The

need to confront painful

V

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Monthly March

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New

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The Psychology

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27, 222-230. Crichton, M. (1990). Jurassic Park.

& McIntyre, D. Norton & Company.

Donovan, D.

W. W.

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(1990). Healing the Hurt Child.

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Silverstein, D.,

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Liedloff, J. (1975).

New

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New 227

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The Primal Wound Machtiger,

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Maduro, R. (1985). Abandonment and deintegration of the primary

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Psychoanalytic Study of the Child, 37, 365-398. Pearce, J. C. (1977) Magical Child. Richo, D. (1992). Scarf,

How

to

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York:

Be an Adult. New

M. (1987). Intimate Partners.

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New

New

Bantam Books.

Jersey: Paulist Press.

York:

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Pannor, R. (1978). The Adoption Triangle.

New

York: Anchor Press. Stern, D. (1985).

The Interpersonal World of the

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Development Taichert,

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Necessary Losses.

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Wickes, F. (1927, 1955, 1966, 1991). The Inner World of Childhood.

New

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(1978).

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Glenn

Winnicott, D. (1966).

Special (Ed.),

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Child Analysis and Therapy, 557-577.

The Family and Individual Development. New York:

Basic Books. (1974).

Fear of breakdown.

Analysis, 1, 103-107.

228

International Review of Psycho-

SUGGESTED READING

Temporary Child:

Benzola, E.

Foster Care Survivor's Story

Stories of Adoption: Loss

Blau, E.

&

Brodzinsky, Schecter, Carlini,

A

H.

Birth

Henig.

Mother Trauma

Women Who Run

Estes, C.

Gediman,

Being Adopted

Courageous Blessing

Demuth, C.

&

J.

Gunderson, T.

Brown,

How

to

-

BirthBond

L.

Locate Anyone Anywhere

Getting the Love You

Herman,

Trauma and Recovery

Jones, M.B.

Birthmothers:

Adoption

Adoptive Parents and the Search

with the Wolves

Hendrix, H. J.

and Reunion

Want

Women Who Have

Relinquished Babies for

Tell Their Stories

The Dance of Anger

Lerner, H.

The Dance of Intimacy The Continuum Concept

Liedloff, J.

Journey of the Adopted Self

Lifton, B.J.

Lost and Found

McColm, M. Adoption Reunions Melina, L. Melina, L. Miller,

A.

Raising Adopted Children

&

Roszia, S.

Drama

The Open Adoption Experience

of the Gifted Child

Moore, T.

Care of the Soul

Moses, S.

Dear

Pearce,

J.

Riben, M.

C.

Mom

,

I've

Evolution's

found my birthmother

End

The Dark Side of Adoption 229

The Primal Wound Richo. D.

How

Be an Adult

The Other Mother

Schaefer. C.

Seligman. M.

Learned Optimism

Severson. R.W.

Sexson.

to

Adoption: Charms and Rituals for Healing

Ordinarily Sacred

L.

Wake Up

Solinger. R.

Sorosky. Baran.

&

Little Susie

Pannor.

The Adoption Triangle

Stiffler. L.

Synchronicity and Reunion

Tavris. C.

Anger

Vemy.

Secret Life of the Unborn Child

T.

Viorst. J.

Welch. M. Zweig. C.

Necessary Losses

Holding Time

&

Abrams.

J. (Eds.)

Meeting the Shadow

230

I

ABOUT THE AUTHOR Nancy of

Verrier,

M.A., the mother

—one who adopted not — an advocate

two daughters

and one who

for

is

She holds a master’s degree

children. in clinical

practice

is

is

psychology and in

Lafayette,

addition to her clinical

is

in private

California.

In

and adoption

work, Ms. Verrier writes and lectures

about the effects of early childhood

trauma

and

deprivation

caused

by

premature separation from the mother under various circumstances.

231

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