Social Power [2nd ed.]

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You've been randomly selected to try out the new Textise Preview version. Opt in to use this every time. The Preview version features faster loading times and other upcoming improvements. During this extremely difficult time, we at Textise urge everyone to stay safe and adhere to your government's regulations concerning the pandemic. You can get the latest information about the Novel Coronavirus at the World Health Organisation (WHO) site (text-only view). This page has been Textised with the Preview version! The original page address was https://thepowermoves.com/toxic-people/ For sharing use ... Here are some options: Back to original page (in this window | in a new window) Convert this page to a PDF Print this page Textise Home Page (full version | text only version) Textise Options Page (choose font size, font colour, etc.) Are you a webmaster? Find out how to easily add Textise to your web site. Skip to main content Underpriced's offer is ending. Price jumps in 12 hours. Enroll before it's too late. The Power Moves Power dynamics, life strategies, and owning your life. Start Here Power Definitions Blog Social Power Dynamics Career Strategies Dating For Women Dating For Men Relationships Resources Speed Learning Power University Seduction University Forum Join In!

12 Types of Toxic People You Need to Avoid September 3, 2018 By Lucio Buffalmano Are you looking to better understand toxic people? It’s great you are researching that, because toxic people can ruin your life. By the end of this article you will know the signs of toxic people and how you can avoid them. Contents Toxic People 1. Abusive Men 2. Emotional Vampires 3. Addictive Personalities 4. Drama Queens 5. Jealous-Bitter 6. Narcissists 7. Sociopaths & Psychopaths 8. Vacuous, No Heart 9. Chronic Liars 10. Power Obsessed 11. Passive Aggressive 12. Weak Egos Dealing With Toxic People 1. Play the same game on them 2. Close your body language 3. Get busy 4. Get away – and stay away Toxic People What is a toxic person? A toxic person is anyone who is stuck in an endless cycle of negativity and who drags everyone around into them down. Don’t try to fix them, because the vast majority of the times you can’t them. Here are the most toxic of them all that you must avoid: 1. Abusive Men I write “men” as most abusive individuals, albeit not all, are men. There are several types of abusive men, but all have something in common: Possessiveness Entitlement (to being served, revered, taken care of) Controlling behavior

Manipulations Many abusive men, especially the nonviolent ones, will keep the worst behavior behind closed doors. But as soon as you get a sniff of any of the above signs, run for the heels. Scarface is an example of abusive man with his sister (controlling behavior): Read more: Types of abusive men Signs of abusive relationships 2. Emotional Vampires Emotional vampires act and believe as if everyone has to pander to their problems and emotional needs. Your issues don’t matter because, well.. Theirs do. They never stop to wonder if they are bothering you, or if you have something else to do. In their mind you are on this earth to act as their emotional tampon. There are several types and layers of emotional vampires:

Conversation hoggers (you can’t get a word in) Victims (always in trouble and need your help) Validation seekers (want to hear how good they are) The Good Girl has an example of some of the worst kinds of emotional vampires. That’s a mix of emotional vampir-dom, drama queen and addictive personality. 3. Addictive Personalities You can be certain certain of two things in life: death and and that an addict will always try to get without giving. Addictive personalities tend to get addicted more than others, to all kinds of substances: Cigarettes Alcohol Food Drugs Sex Gambling Thrills You name it. And they’re always looking for the next fix.

Stay away from these toxic people unless you want to see the ugly effect of addiction and pay for their next fix (and the one after that, and the one after that…). 4. Drama Queens Everything is drama in the life of a drama queen. They have one problem after the other, and they love blowing things out of proportion. If one problem miraculously get solved -rarely thanks to their initiative- another one looms even larger. Don’t even try to help them out or recommend them a course of action: they have an approach of impotency to life. You just wouldn’t understand how hard it is, they will say. It’s not like they can fix it, you know. They prefer complaining and complaining. Their life, the war in TV, the economy, their spouse… Drama queens will never change, they attract drama or they make it up. So unless you enjoy drama yourself, stay away. 5. Jealous-Bitter These are the people who are jealous about those who have it better. Of course those others don’t have it better because they worked harder or because they were good. Nope. They got lucky. Or cheated, or slept their way to their promotion. These toxic individuals show their hand with backstabbing, backtalk, spreading rumors and mean comments. Also read: Is yout boyfriend very jealous, or paranoid-abusive? 6. Narcissists Narcissists can feel, but it’s often shallow and they have troubles putting themselves in your shoes. Also with narcissists -or even more with narcissists- it’s all about them. They live in a world of glitter and appearances. And in narcissist-dom, they always hold a prestigious position in society. Even when they are at the bottom. Indeed narcissists have an overblown image of themselves. And if you couple that with weak ago, you understand why they are always seeking confirmation.

To keep up their image of high status, this brand of toxic people obsesses with what others think and with the external signs of wealth and power. Notice her attention to form and her vanity. And of course her reaction to her daughter’s news. Even her daughter’s pregnancy is about how it negatively affects her. Read more here: How narcissistic mothers ruin their daughters 7. Sociopaths & Psychopaths Sociopaths and psychopaths can be openly violent. But they can also be hidden and sneaky. They are extremely selfish, they feel no empathy or regret and they are obsessed with domination and winning. This makes for an explosive mix. Indeed, they often see life as a big chess game. And the people around them are the pawns they will try to move -or destroy- with their games and machination. Possibly sociopaths and psychopaths are the most toxic individual in this whole list. Donald Trump might as well be a sociopath. Look at his behavior in these instances: Trump debate Trump VS Macron Trump humiliates Macron Regina in Mean Girls also presents narcissistic and sociopathic traits: 8. Vacuous, No Heart This is different than the psychopaths or sociopaths’ way of being vacuous. The high functioning psychopaths and sociopaths will pretend of having feeling to better integrate (and play their games). But the vacuous will make no effort to look like a normal, emphatic person. What do you mean. That’s a question right there. LOL that says everything you need to know. Vacuous can be a reaction to abuse experienced as children. A good movie for this type of dynamics is the movie Mysterious Skin -but it’s a difficult movie to watch, you’ve been warned-.

9. Chronic Liars Sometimes there are a good reasons for which even honest people need to lie. But chronic liars are different. They don’t lie because they have to. And sometimes not even becasue it’s good for them. Chronic liears just lie all the time. Sometimes it’s simply counterproductive to lie… And they’ll still lie. Are you waiting for them? They are almost there, just a couple of blocks away. They don’t show up in the next 10 minutes? They’re just one block away now… And once they get there, no they didn’t lie about their location! They were late because of traffic or because they’ve been held up.

Chronic liars are toxic because a life with them is a life of second guessing, doubting and continuous fighting. The dynamic will be you accusing and yelling and them denying. A relationship of cat and mouse, and you will soon lose all respect for a mouse who can’t talk straight. You can’t have a relationship with chronic liars. Finally, chronic liars who are very good at lying, also tend to have a strong gaslighting effect on people (ie.: make you feel crazy). 10. Power Obsessed Power obsessed people see every feedback, argument or decision as a battle they need to win. They can never admit they’re wrong and they have huge troubles in accepting even the smallest input from the people around. Do you want to change channel on the TV and they weren’t even watching? Just a minute, they first need to finish hearing something. Do you need them to make a detour to pick up the cleaning? Not today, they need to rush home to make an important -and nonexistent- call. Men with a power obsession always know better and always need to get it their way. Women most often fall prey of power obsessed men because they confuse their initial steam-rolling ways for strong leadership. But it’s not strong leadership. These men are in many ways similar to abusive men and make for an impossible life.

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Power-hungry men 11. Passive Aggressive Passive aggressive people don’t have the courage to be direct and don’t have the strength to set boundaries. They will never complain, but they will keep building resentment inside. Eventually, resentment will start spilling in ways normal people would have never seen coming: Huge explosions bringing up years of wrongdoing you had no idea of Small acts of insubordination you don’t see the point of Backhanded compliments Secretly being happy for your troubles Scheming and plotting against you Undermining you in front of others 12. Weak Egos People with weak egos are the everyday version of toxic people. They go over the moon with compliments -forgetting that compliments mean nothing-. And they swing the opposite side for every minor criticism. They get defensive, attack or go berserk on a full blown identity crisis. A relationship with weak-ego people is very difficult because you always need to mince your words and think hard on how you can deliver the feedback. But no matter how hard you try, they’ll still get hurt and do nothing with your feedback. Except for hating you just because you said it, of course. Borderline personalities have particularly weak ego with wild mood swings. Dealing With Toxic People If you have anyone remotely resembling the toxic people in this list, detach yourself. Detaching yourself is always the best solution. But when that’s not possible, here are a few alternatives: 1. Play the same game on them The best defense is the attack. For example, to a toxic individual always asking for stuff, ask the same back: Toxic Person: hey, do you have 50 I could borrow You: damn you beat me to it, I was just thinking of asking you the same. Suppose you don’t have a 20 to spot me then?

If they badger you with their problems, cut the interaction short: Toxic Person: and then they did this X and Y to me, can you believe it, unbeliavable… You: yeah I can imagine. Look I’d like to stay and chat, but I need to go now Alternatively, you can start talikng about yourself. See how they react. Do they bring the conversation back to them all the time? They have no social skills -and couldn’t care less about you-. You don’t need those types of friends. 2. Close your body language While they speak: Cross your arms Stand further back Point your feet away Make little eye contact Check the time Then when you speak, open up again. Basically here you are using your body to play the same game on them: a game of selfishness. It’s a terrible race to the bottom of course, but as long as it helps you get away from toxicity, be it. 3. Get busy Pretend your phone is ringing, tell them you gotta run, say you got no time, mention you’re in a rush. Use one excuse after the other until they understand you’re not there for their toxic behavior. 4. Get away – and stay away No, really, the best solution is to get away. If it’s someone in the family, reduce contact. There is no shame in scaling back with a narcissistic mother or a psychopath father. They have done enough damage already and there is no need for more. Related

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Filed Under: Social Power Theory Tagged With: toxic people, toxic people examples, toxic people list, toxic people signs, toxic people traits, toxic person, what is a toxic person [Image: lucio founder of the power moves] About the Author: Lucio Buffalmano Lucio is a social scientist, member of APA and a perpetual researcher of human nature. He teaches power dynamics because he believes that to be good, you first need to learn how to be bad. ThePowerMoves.com is where this new breed of leaders come to train. Power University About Contact T&Cs Privacy Refund Policy Copyright The Power Moves© 2020 · Log in

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You've been randomly selected to try out the new Textise Preview version. Opt in to use this every time. The Preview version features faster loading times and other upcoming improvements. During this extremely difficult time, we at Textise urge everyone to stay safe and adhere to your government's regulations concerning the pandemic. You can get the latest information about the Novel Coronavirus at the World Health Organisation (WHO) site (text-only view). This page has been Textised with the Preview version! The original page address was https://thepowermoves.com/black-empowerment-vsvirtue-signalers/ For sharing use ... Here are some options: Back to original page (in this window | in a new window) Convert this page to a PDF Print this page Textise Home Page (full version | text only version) Textise Options Page (choose font size, font colour, etc.) Are you a webmaster? Find out how to easily add Textise to your web site. Skip to main content Underpriced's offer is ending. Price jumps in 12 hours. Enroll before it's too late. The Power Moves Power dynamics, life strategies, and owning your life. Start Here Power Definitions Blog Social Power Dynamics Career Strategies Dating For Women Dating For Men Relationships Resources Speed Learning Power University Seduction University Forum

Join In! Black Folks: Reclaim Your Power Against White Virtue-Signaling June 5, 2020 By Lucio Buffalmano After the hideous murder –or martyrdom– of George Floyd, the messages of supports towards the black community have been pouring in -or, shall we say, flooding social media-. In many ways, that’s a good thing. It shows people are empathetic, and that some of them want to see a better world. But from a power dynamic point of view, we can see a different story to it. And from a mental empowerment point of view, virtue-signaling towards “black people” is mental poison. Let’s dig deeper. [Image: meme of white men supporting black men with white mans burden] Sympathizing with colored folks for purportedly being oppressed only confirms a two-classes world. Progressive folks and empowered people of color alike do NOT think of themselves as victims. Contents The Power Dynamics of White’s Sympathy Don’t Let “Black” Stifle Your Uniqueness Experiment: Putting “Whites” in The Condescended Shoes The Danger of Sympathy: “Poor Me” Thinking How to Come Out This: Building Bridges The Power Dynamics of White’s Sympathy On this website and, in more detail, in the Power University course, we talked about covert power moves. Covert power moves are words or actions that on the surface are friendly and supportive. But that, on a second level order, hide a power relationship where the person being friendly and supportive is actually disempowering the receiver. Example of covert power moves are: “Sorry for not picking up your call” (= you were not a high priority for me) “I’m sorry that you had to wait for me here” (= I have the power to let you wait) Those above examples are kind and sympathetic on the surface. And the speaker might even mean well.

But they also hide a power dynamic where the speaker is disempowering the receiver and pushing him down the hierarchical ladder. Offering support works in the same way. Offering support indirectly says that you need support because, apparently, you are not doing too well in life (but they are). Attention, with that I’m not saying that most white folks are consciously disempowering black folks. Many people are being warm and welcoming and many of them really feel empathy and want to help. But some others, of course, are riding the SJW wave. Many starlets and public figures belong to this category (Emma Watson example): [Image: emma watson virtue signaling her support to black people] Emma Watson “stands with you” (“you” who?) Even our beloved virtue signalers might in the end be OK persons and somewhat well-meaning. But still… Even if they mean no active harm, in this case, virtue signalers’ support still re-affirms a power dynamic that empowers them and disempowers the subjects of their “support”. Virtue signaling is to the benefit of the signaler, and rarely if ever of the receiver. The duality of wanting to help but actually harming is something that other researchers have noted as well. Take linguist researcher Deborah Tannen, for example. Tannen says that asking someone “where are you from” as a first question can be both an attempt to connect and a power move, as it can both seek to connect and pin someone down. And the same can be said of gender relations. Kim Scott for example says that men treating women with kid gloves at work might have wanted to be nice, but they were actually relegating them as second class citizens in the office. That type of kindness, she correctly points out, is damaging women. Men who are nice in fear of hurting women are also indirectly saying that women are not strong enough to play within a level playing field. It says that women need that help. And that men are the powerful ones who need to dispense that help. It’s the same for the sympathy expressed by white folks to black folks. The support and sympathy of white folks towards blacks also indirectly say: “I am (somewhat) superior and more powerful”. Or, at least: “I am a somewhat higher class citizen”.

There is also another element that disempowers “black folks”. And it’s addressing them as a collective. Don’t Let “Black” Stifle Your Uniqueness It’s great to offer support to individuals as individuals. But it’s disempowering to support individuals for their (supposedly) group of belonging. Why? Because when people address you by your group belonging, you become “a black person”, and they disempower you of telling and controlling your own story.

You become “a (random, nameless) black person”, with all the stereotypes attached to it. And it strips your uniqueness away. The same happens when people frame you with other groups of belongings, like with nationalities, for example. This is why when people ask me “where are you from”, I give a fuzzy answer (“Originally, from there, but I studied abroad, I live there, and travel all the time… So, I’m international, really). I do that because I don’t want any fucking one to pin me down with Italian stereotypes. Don’t get me wrong: I like being Italian, but I am still an individual, I carve my own path in life, I write my own story, and I present my own story, unencumbered by stereotypes. Finally, framing a single case of brutality as a “black people issue” also serves to confirm the status quo. Indirectly, it confirms that indeed society empowers a certain ethnicity and disempowers another. And while there might be some truth to it, when you keep repeating it, you also make it more real, and you contribute to keeping it alive. And that’s an unhealthy worldview to internalize. It’s dangerous to internalize that being black is such as huge handicap (and it’s not). And white people’s “support” only reinforces the nonsense narrative that blacks are at a big disadvantage in life. Don’t believe that shit not even for a nanosecond. You’re Bigger Than Any Single Trait, Always Remember That Individuals are made up of a multitude of traits and belonging. Their genders, skin color, eye color, nationalities, sexual preferences, preferences, skills, attitudes etc. etc. Reducing them to just one, however visible it might be, is disempowering.

Now let’s be honest: there might be some truth in the “white privilege” thing. But to me, it’s still BS. So, white skin might confer some advantages under some circumstances. So what? Advantages and disadvantages are part of life, and the same is true for all possible traits you can imagine. From eye color, to amount of hair on your head, to height, to IQ, to… Whatever. Any trait will confer either some advantage or some advantages under certain circumstances. And you can rise above each one of them. Stop Babying Others Telling others that you “support” them makes people feel good. It makes them feel good because they can feel kind. And because, unconsciously, as we saw, it says that you are more powerful than they are. Somehow, this often happens about race. Probably, because race is such an important issue in much of the US. But that doesn’t your “support” any less condescending. But as much as you don’t publish posts telling short or unintelligent or people that you “support” them, it’s condescending to tell black people that you “support” them.

Me, I don’t think that any race or group as a whole needs my support. I think there are countless individuals within those groups who are strong and capable enough to control their own destiny, and to far more successful than most individuals in any other race or group. Addressing the whole group is highly condescending towards those folks. Here is an example of condescending, borderline de-humanizing support I have recently seen on my Linkedin wall: [Image: an example of black lives matter virtue signaling] Her: I see you and support you So self-congratulatory, and so offensive. It implies that (most) others don’t see “them”. Cut the haughty pomp, your black friends and colleagues have names, and they probably don’t know what to do with your condescension. Experiment: Putting “Whites” in The Condescended Shoes Some white folks these days are inviting others to put themselves in black people’s shoes. That’s always a great exercise.

The first part of that exercise, the one that everyone is embracing, is to “feel the pain” of black people. Great.

Now let’s finish the exercise, though. Let’s add the power dynamics part I’m addressing here. And put yourself in the shoes of being the subject of your own friendly support. Here is what other races could tell white people: Jew person: I’m sorry there is a pandemic of white people being born with such lower IQs compared to us. Society shouldn’t discriminate against lower IQ. I stand with you, white people. Asian person: I’m sorry white people have to be born so selfishly individualistic. And so unconscientious, with such poor work ethics. Society shouldn’t discriminate against poor work ethics. I stand with you, white people. Asian woman: I’m sorry white girls are so unfeminine and white guys prefer us. It’s not fair that men like feminine women more. I stand with you, white women. Black person: I’m sorry white people have no street smarts, have little dicks, and cannot sprint or jump. Society shouldn’t discriminate against any of that. I stand with you, white people. Albeit these examples are obviously exaggerated, they also show the “other side of the coin” of offering support and sympathy -the power dynamics side-. How would any empowered white person answer to any of that? Any empowered wite person wouldn’t even want to hear any of that.

And this is how they might answer: Thanks, but I’m doing great. My IQ is fine. And emotional Intelligence matters more anyway: all that IQ didn’t help you avoid a history of prosecutions, it seems (huge one-up back) Thanks, but I’m doing great. Western work ethics allowed Westerners to rule the world, so I think we’re pretty fine (medium one-up back) Thanks, but I’m doing great. Girls love my dick, and I prefer swimming and long-lasting sports to sprints (mild one-up back) You will notice that these answers are more on the aggressive aside. From a framing point of view, they (correctly) read the initial “offer of help” not as a friendly gesture, but as an attempt at one-upping, and they answer with a one-up back of their own. Answering with a one-up defends your own power, and also serves to protect one’s own mind and self-esteem. After that, you can move to move conciliatory tones.

However, since messages of support rarely show the true power dynamics so obviously, you need to answer with more tact. Let’s see. Power-Frames Against Condescending Sympathy How to answer to all the condescension we’ve just described? How can a black person answer, without being aggressive, while also defending his individuality and his personal power? Here is an example: White person: (chest out, with the pride of the self-appointed savior) You have all my support. I stand with you! Black person: Thanks. But… “You” who, and… Support for what? (a simple question that will dismantle his whole self-righteous frame) White person: For the racism man. That’s disgusting that you guys must go through that so often. I can’t imagine what it’s like Black person: Thank you, I appreciate your friendliness (don’t call it “support”). I suppose some policemen see some races with more animosity than others, in limited cases (reframe the problem as localized, instead of general). But hey, I’m Alex (shrugh shoulders, as if to say “I’m me”, and distance yourself from the group, reclaim your power as an individual). And personally, I’m doing great (reclaim your power as an individual 2). I see life as a world of opportunities, not threats (frame yourself as a high quality man, not as “a black dude”). This is a life of opportunity for those who want to take them (swtich the tables: maybe he could use some of your support, instead?) That’s it. Power reclaimed. The Danger of Sympathy: “Poor Me” Thinking What we’ve just described so far is bad enough.

But there is a pernicious, deeper danger of constant sympathetic messages. And unless you’re aware of the power dynamics, it can go unnoticed. Sympathetic messages frame you as “poor you”. To me, there is nothing more offensive, and nothing that angers me more quickly, than a “poor you” frame. If you don’t question the “poor you” frame, you can start believing it, and it can become your reality. The danger of accepting people’s support without questioning it is the

internalization of the belief that you do need support because the deck is stacked against you. The danger is that you internalize that “poor you”. When you internalize that, you are also accepting that you do are indeed a second class citizen. You should be worried and afraid of internalizing that belief, because it’s terribly dangerous. When you internalize it, you start believing it. And you start to act accordingly. The consequences are two, and they stem from the same internalization of the “poor you” frame 1. Learned helplessness: whatever you do, you can’t win 2. Lashing out in anger and becoming anti-social Two very different scenarios, but both being the consequence of believing that it’s too difficult for you to win in this society. And white people’s “support” is reinforcing the idea that you can’t do anything to succeed in this society: [Image: a snapshot of white people virtue signaling] So is this implying that a black person “cannot have a cellphone”, or “go jogging”? Don’t let this BS virtue-signaling sway you. You CAN do anything you want in life!

There is a good scene from the movie “Menace II Society” that well shows what I mean. The black protagonist, Caine, is talking to a close girlfriend. The girlfriend is encouraging him to move, pursue self-development, and leave behind small-timing burglaries and drug dealing. I found the movie, and edited so you can see it: Caine: Ain’t nothing gonna change in Atlanta. I mean, I’m still gonna be black. Just another nigga from the ghetto Caine internalized the belief that there is no chance in life for him because he’s black. What a fucking tragedy! This is called learned helplessness in psychology (Seligman, 1991), and it’s the belief that no matter what you do, you can’t win. And virtue signaling messages contribute to creating learned helplessness among black folks. It’s ironic, but the sympathetic messages that want to offer support do more harm than good.

That’s why I recommend black folks to put up shields against superficial and general support and sympathy. Stand guard to the gates of your mind, friends. You’re first-class, top 1% citizen, if you want. Think it, believe it, dress it, act it. How to Come Out This: Building Bridges The other problem of generalized white sympathy is that it tends to vilify police. Again, the issue is the same: support “blacks” as a whole and vilify “police” as a whole. Bridges and healthy individualism are the answer. Some cops are racist and scum. Some protesters are thugs. Unluckily, when we tend to paint everyone with broad brushes, we only flame the fires of hatred. And we’re only more likely to get hatred. Probably, most cops are good and/or normal people worthy of respect. And the same is true for most people of color, and of most random groups you want to pick. To get over this, be the first to condemn the bad apples within your group of belonging. Then, build bridges and spread the love. And extend some love to policemen as well. They’re humans, too.

Summary The avalanche of messages of sympathy support towards the black community is, overall, a good sign. It’s a sign that people care. However, there is one potentially disturbing element of support: 1. Generalized messages of support towards blacks de-individualize them, and places everyone under the “black guy” yoke 2. Constant messages of sympathy indirectly say that people of color are second class citizens If people of color allow number 1 to happen, it will disempower them. And if they internalize number 2, it can harm their all lives.

That’s why, ultimately, I would advise people of color to distance themselves from that support. Politely say “thanks”, but immediately reclaim your power as an individual. And never think of yourself as moving in a world where you can’t win. Fuck anyone who implies you’re a victim. You make your own world, my friend. Related

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Filed Under: Social Power Moves [Image: lucio founder of the power moves] About the Author: Lucio Buffalmano Lucio is a social scientist, member of APA and a perpetual researcher of human nature. He teaches power dynamics because he believes that to be good, you first need to learn how to be bad. ThePowerMoves.com is where this new breed of leaders come to train. Power University About Contact T&Cs Privacy Refund Policy Copyright The Power Moves© 2020 · Log in

Textise: Back to top This text-only page was created by Textise (www.textise.net) © Textise - CPC LLC To find out more about our product, visit Textise.org.

You've been randomly selected to try out the new Textise Preview version. Opt in to use this every time. The Preview version features faster loading times and other upcoming improvements. During this extremely difficult time, we at Textise urge everyone to stay safe and adhere to your government's regulations concerning the pandemic. You can get the latest information about the Novel Coronavirus at the World Health Organisation (WHO) site (text-only view). This page has been Textised with the Preview version! The original page address was https://thepowermoves.com/neil-strauss-analysis/ For sharing use ... Here are some options: Back to original page (in this window | in a new window) Convert this page to a PDF Print this page Textise Home Page (full version | text only version) Textise Options Page (choose font size, font colour, etc.) Are you a webmaster? Find out how to easily add Textise to your web site. Skip to main content Underpriced's offer is ending. Price jumps in 24 hours. Enroll before it's too late. The Power Moves Power dynamics, life strategies, and owning your life. Start Here Power Definitions Blog Social Power Dynamics Career Strategies Dating For Women Dating For Men Relationships Resources Speed Learning Power University Seduction University Forum Join In!

Neil Strauss Case Study: Dealing With Verbal Bullies September 21, 2017 By Lucio Buffalmano Neil Strauss writes in “The Game” that two years in a row he was the “best pickup artist in the world”. Of course, that didn’t say much about his abilities. The title was awarded on an Internet forum which was likely populated by people who weren’t very socially skilled. This post analyzed the power dynamics of Neil Strauss’ appearance on the show “The View”. Contents Neil Strauss Bullied 1. Nip It in The Bud: Set The Precedent The Theory of Aggression 2. Respond in Kind 3. Use Aggressive Behavior to Shame Him 4. Scold Them With Moral Authority 5. Use Nonverbals Against Them What Neil Strauss Should Have Done Commit and Stick to it Don’t Finger Point Don’t Kiss Up – Just Don’t POWER DYNAMICS Host Advantages Neil Strauss Advantages: How to Ace Difficult Interviews Stand by Your Deeds Nobody Has the Right to Intimidate You Neil Strauss Bullied Neil Strauss was bullied on The View. And he did little to nothing to stop that bullying. He let himself be bullied while he kept smiling. First of all, watch this video and see what you can notice: The short of it is that the host -Star Jones, the de facto “head bit** there- aggress and Neil Strauss evades. Neil strategy is to avoid confrontation, try to isolate Star and charm the rest of the group. Be like water” Bruce Lee would have said, very typical of the Charmer types (The Art of Seduction).

Neil does rather well in charming the group and is relatively successful in isolating Star, but at the very heavy price of being socially gored by her dominant, vindictive barbs. Let’s see then some great strategies Neil Strauss could have used to deal with the aggressive woman: 1. Nip It in The Bud: Set The Precedent Get Into Fight Stance to Avoid Fighting The beginning of social interactions sets the tone for what is about to come, and it is particularly true with an aggressive opponent. Imagine that beginning as him sniffing you out and testing your mettle. He will try to make an off hand remark, or maybe force the upper hand in the handshake. And if you let it slip without doing anything about it the aggressor will feel he’s just been green-lighted to tooling you. Neil Strauss Is Too Submissive Neil is too submissive at the beginning and sets a bad precedent. Star shows the first aggressive sign with a disparaging remark (yeah right): only supremely confident individuals belittle so openly. She then uses thumb display, speaks loudly over the hand-clapping, and with a reproaching tone turns to Neil putting her elbow on the desk. These are all nonverbal power moves as if to say “what the fu** is that all about, explain!” Neil’s movements are smooth in his reply, but no good execution will change the fact that the whole cluster -including his verbals- are submissive. Here’s what he could have done to show he’s no pushover instead: Touch Her: Touching first is a sign of dominance and confidence. He could have smiled -not laughed- at her initial joke while lightly placing a hand on her back or upper arm. Touching is a simple, not aggressive way of showing confidence and dominance. Imply She’s Dumb: Instead of saying “I’ll explain” he could have smiled and said “Nice intro. It’s not exactly like that, lemme clear that up“. This implies Star got it all wrong with her generalization and sets him as the authority with the straight facts.

The Theory of Aggression Before we dig deeper into the practical techniques it’s great to understand the theory behind aggressive interactions and the escalation they often follow.

1. You’re Dumbstruck and do Nothing For most people, and especially if you are a non-aggressive person, the moment you are first aggressed will leave you at a loss of words. Most people in this situation withdraw within themselves and move on pretending nothing happened. 2. The Aggressor is Emboldened Seeing the victim has no answer to their antics emboldens the aggressor and often leads to more aggression. This is why you need to push back right on. If it’s in a romantic relationship, this can often be the woman actually, and her aim is not usually to hurt you, but a misguided attempt to get you emotionally involved when she feels you are withdrawing. Outside of a romantic relationship, the aim is usually to hurt you, make you look bad or dominate you for their own gain. 3. Aggression Repeats In either scenario, you will often find yourself in a situation where your boundaries are continually encroached upon. You can feel victimized and lost, but since the precedents have been set, you can feel like it’s too late to do something. So the victim hopes the aggressor will not exaggerate, that he will he show some restraint and that it will soon be over. But it rarely stops by itself: the aggressor often enjoys harassing or he can have something to gain in keeping a dominant/dominated relationship. 4. The Victim’s Psychology Some Victims often defend their aggressor to cover up their inability to stand up. They will say “oh it was nothing” (we’ve already seen this behavior here from Fredo in The Godfather, check it out again). What they are really trying to say though is “no, their behavior is OK, it’s not me who can’t do anything about it“. When brought to extreme cases, people can even develop real feelings for their harassers (captor bonding syndrome). 5. Aggression Escalates The next step is usually much bigger aggression. It can sometimes happen because the victim tried to undermine the aggressor with passive aggression or sometimes simply because he’s emboldened enough by the

successful previous aggressions to take it to the next level. While the smaller previous harassment might have seemed justifiable somewhat, the big one is more obvious and more humiliating. For example, your boss was raising your voice in private, but now he just berated you in front of everyone (read here how to deal with yelling bosses). In Neil Strauss’ case the first major instance of escalation was when Star Jones shouted orders while pouncing the table with her hand: This is your chance to step up to the plate now. Let’s get back to the techniques: 2. Respond in Kind Fight Fire with Fire Responding in kind, in this case, would have meant this: Neil turned around, started smacking his own hand on the table, leaned on towards Star and said: “How would you feel if I did this to you lady? Probably bad because it’s very rude and disrespectful, right?”. Chances are she would have been dumbfounded on her own and, put on the spot, backtracked with an apology. And if she kept up with her offensive antics she’d be playing into your hand: you are painting her as the ill-manned one and she’s just proving it to everyone. Keep cool and repeat she’s very rude as she shames herself by raising her tone (repeat: “yes you are”, “yes you are”). 3. Use Aggressive Behavior to Shame Him And Recruit Everyone on Your Side With this technique, you call on everyone around to side with you by playing the “empowered victim”. It’s a very neat and effective way of quickly turning the aggressor into the aggressed. Simply plainly state what she’s just done is very vulgar and uncivil and you feel insulted (notice the word usage: “uncivil” carries a wallop of power). Demand an explanation of why she’s behaving like that and be expectant for an apology. It’s less dominant than Respond in Kind but it can put more pressure on the aggressor because it’s not anymore “you VS him” but “everyone VS him”.

Watch Tom Cruise executing it:

Notice at the beginning Tom IS falling for the accommodating, victimized road by pretending it was OK (it’s a natural reaction). But after the initial surprise, he quickly changes tack and uses the shaming technique. Notice the people around naturally siding with him. Note: he then moves to aggression, which was a mistake as he comes across vindictive and butthurt and he should have avoided. To read more on shaming, read the following: Defending against the moral police attacks Anatomy of a shame attack 4. Scold Them With Moral Authority Hit and Move Along This is possibly the simplest technique to use. You state it was rude and then move on. It’s so powerful because it sets yourself as the judge and the moral authority of the interaction. It works great when it’s indeed true they were rude because your moral authority is backed by a powerful ally: reality. And everyone around will be silently agreeing with you. In Neil Strauss’ case he would have turned around slowly, looked at her for a second, and said: “Woah, that’s very rude of you”. And then moved along with his speech. She would have probably gone crazy, but again that would have been a good thing. The idea is that you judge and then move along leaving the aggressor in the dust. You communicate you’re a superior man who doesn’t get dragged in the swaps by the aggressive pigs. Power Moved! 5. Use Nonverbals Against Them Getting rid of someone without uttering a word is even more powerful than speaking. Two options: Dominate with Touching In Neil’s situation, he could have turned around while still speaking and without missing a bit put his palm either on her arm or on her back.

Since she hadn’t touched him yet it would have been a powerful way of invading her personal space first in a very socially savvy and not overtly aggressive way. The sub-communication being: “I keep going and ignore it, but you don’t be such a rabid dog, chill” Shame With Facial Expression Similar to Moral Authority Judgement, but you point an imaginary finger at them without speaking a word. Neil could have stopped for 3 seconds, made a disgusted facial expression and then resumed. Just make sure that your expression is obvious enough that everyone will notice and take a long enough pose to highlight it.

What Neil Strauss Should Have Done For your own benefits, here are a few more things Neil Strauss should have done better: Commit and Stick to it He says a couple of times “oh my God I can’t believe I’m saying this“, only for Star to prod him and Neil follows suit. Tentative decisions make you look insecure. If you’re on a show to talk about something, talk about it. If you don’t wanna talk about, don’t. But don’t dilly dally. Don’t Finger Point It’s been well researched that using your index finger while speaking makes you less liked by the audience. Don’t Kiss Up – Just Don’t As we’ve already seen at the extreme end of abusive relationships people can grow fondness and love for their oppressor. But we all have this tendency even in less extreme situations. It’s the tendency that, out of fear, makes us hope that if we extend our olive branch and laugh at their joke, or tell them how cool they are… Then maybe they’ll like us and we can be friends on more equal footing.

Forget it, you’ll never be on equal footing unless you stand up to them. And bullies will interpret your friendly gestures as your final capitulation. Look how Star derides and brushes off Neil Strauss when he kisses up to her:

POWER DYNAMICS And here are a few more pointers on the power dynamics of the situation: Host Advantages The hosts will most often have a few advantages on you: Home Advantage Both in terms of comfort levels and even testosterone levels Final Authority The host has the strong power position of being on his show, making him the final authority -or feeling as oneAsks Questions The person who asks questions is inherently more powerful than the person who has to answer. Neil Strauss Advantages: He sits in the center The center position is the position of highest power and influence, and Neil has it. The Second World War gave the USA the (unofficial) supreme leadership of the (Western) World. And the below picture is emblematic and representative of that shift of power, with the US president sitting in the middle and Stalin to his right. It’s even more powerful when there are more than just two people to your side, because it says you are the leader of a whole group (just think of Jesus in the Last Supper). He’s the only man Being the only one of your gender is a natural attention grabber. Even normally not so attractive men or women receive an immediate, major attention boost that can easily propel them at the center of the attention. Captivating Topic The topic he talks about captivates and grab people’s attention. Particularly women’s attention, and he played that card very well to ingratiate the group. He’s the “Subject Matter Expert” Neil is the expert of the discussion topic (but just as a note, his book The Game is terrible for dating advice).

And the one who’s viewed as the expert in the room always has a huge power boost. If you’re the expert people come to depend on you and listen to your advice, and that naturally gives you power.

How to Ace Difficult Interviews There are two major lessons learned I would take away from this video which you can implement in your life: Stand by Your Deeds Neil Strauss was insecure because he felt weird and ashamed that his book was about picking up women. He felt like he needed to justify himself. That was a major reason why he was on the back foot. To be confident, it’s key that you do what you believe in and that you own up to what you do. Sign your work at the end of each day, says John Maxwell (Sometimes You Win Sometimes You Learn). Mistakes and blunders included. When you can do that, your confidence will skyrocket because you’ll be proud of yourself and you ain’t got nothing to hide. And the next someone will look at you as if to say “explain” you’ll reply: “explain what, I don’t have anything to explain and least of all to you, what are you, the moral police?“. Nobody Has the Right to Intimidate You It doesn’t matter whether you expect aggression or not. You are a respectful human being and you know in your bones that you don’t accept that aggressive and rude behavior. If it means escalating and walking out from a show, then be it. Watch the related video break down here: Related

Filed Under: Real Life Case Studies, Social Power Moves Tagged With: handling dominant interviewer, how to deal with aggressive people, how to deal with an aggressive interviewer, neil strauss analysis, neil strauss dominated, neil strauss pussy whipped, neil strauss social skills

[Image: lucio founder of the power moves] About the Author: Lucio Buffalmano Lucio is a social scientist, member of APA and a perpetual researcher of human nature. He teaches power dynamics because he believes that to be good, you first need to learn how to be bad. ThePowerMoves.com is where this new breed of leaders come to train. Power University About Contact T&Cs Privacy Refund Policy Copyright The Power Moves© 2020 · Log in

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You've been randomly selected to try out the new Textise Preview version. Opt in to use this every time. The Preview version features faster loading times and other upcoming improvements. During this extremely difficult time, we at Textise urge everyone to stay safe and adhere to your government's regulations concerning the pandemic. You can get the latest information about the Novel Coronavirus at the World Health Organisation (WHO) site (text-only view). This page has been Textised with the Preview version! The original page address was https://thepowermoves.com/the-businesswomanguide-to-win-in-male-organizations/ For sharing use ... Here are some options: Back to original page (in this window | in a new window) Convert this page to a PDF Print this page Textise Home Page (full version | text only version) Textise Options Page (choose font size, font colour, etc.) Are you a webmaster? Find out how to easily add Textise to your web site. Skip to main content Underpriced's offer is ending. Price jumps in 12 hours. Enroll before it's too late. The Power Moves Power dynamics, life strategies, and owning your life. Start Here Power Definitions Blog Social Power Dynamics Career Strategies Dating For Women Dating For Men Relationships Resources Speed Learning Power University Seduction University Forum

Join In! The Businesswoman Guide to Win in Male Organizations April 14, 2020 By Lucio Buffalmano Men and women approach business very differently. As it’s to be expected, after all. Men and women are biologically different, are brought up differently, and move within different cultural expectations. Whether culture, nature, or nurture matters the most is a hotly debated topic. Luckily, we can skip the discussion and focuses on practical solutions. And for our practical purposes, we can recognize two different approaches to business for men and women. One is not superior to the other, of course. However, different situations tend to favor and reward either the male style or the female style. Historically, workplaces have been environments that functioned with the male style. There are exceptions, of course. But in most cases, if women want to make it to the top of their organizations, they need to learn the men’s way of doing things.

This table summarizes the two different approaches: [Image: comparative table of female and male approaches to business] Bookmark it here at high-resolution. Note that I didn’t say that women have to adapt to the male style. A woman can: Find a way to be successful in her own feminine way Find more feminine-oriented cultures Say “screw business success” Build her own business But if she wants to make it within male-dominated organizations, she must learn to work the male way. And, in any case, she can only gain by understanding how men differ. Contents The Higher You Go, The More The Male Style Wins The More Autocratic the Leader, The More Extreme the Male Style The 3 Traits to Master The Male Style #1. Competitiveness: Be More Competitive Than the Average Woman #2. Power Dynamics: Learn to Respect -and Be Respected- In Hierarchies #3. Goal-Orientation: Develop “Bottom-Line Mindset”

Advice for Career Success #1. Find a Mentor #2. Approach Relationships Issues With Work-Talk #3. Act Swiftly On Catty Female Subordinates #4. More Bullet-Advice The Higher You Go, The More The Male Style Wins Women are well represented in the workforce and in managerial positions. But are still struggling to make it into executive and board positions, and this is why: In Junion Positions the Feminine Style Works Great Women can enjoy great success early on by being nice and submissive. They focus on being pleasant, doing great work, and they do well. In Middle Management the Feminine Style Works Great Women still enjoy good success with the feminine style in management positions. Low and mid-management levels are seen as nurturing and collaborative: taking care of the team members, and keeping the team cohesive and harmonious. At Exec Level the Feminine Style Struggles Things change when you get into executive positions. To make it into executive positions you must be -and be seen- seen as hard-driving, ambitious, strong and, in some organizations, ruthless. That’s the male style. On average, to make it to the top you need to learn to play the men’s game. Why the “Go-Getter” Male Style Goes to The Top [Image: driven businesswoman] Some women are natural go-getters. Others need to develop those skills Bradberry surveyed 500.000 employees, managers, execs, and CEOs (1.000 CEOs, to be precise). Bradberry found out that EQ (emotional quotient) increases with titles up until middle management. Then it starts steeply declining with executives, and it reaches the bottom with CEOs. Why do CEOs score the lowest in emotional intelligence? Is it because companies promote lower EQ folks, or the tasks linked to their position lowers their EQ? Even Bradberry, who is a big proponent of Emotional Intelligence (EI), acknowledges that it’s a bit of both -hence, he’s also saying, being low in EI helps you get promoted-. There are two more factors at play, though. One is that people in power do not need to be empathic towards the ones below them. Says Goleman describing the “politics of empathy”:

Those with little power are expected to sense the feelings of those with power, while those in power feel less obligation to be sensitive in return.

And second, and most important, it’s not that CEOs are (necessarily) emotionally stupid. They just have different priorities. CEOs are more concerned with power, winning, and getting things done than with what help you score high in emotional intelligence -things such as understanding what others feel, protecting people’s egos, nurturing relationships, and “getting along”-. And if you want to make it to the top of most organizations, it helps to know the game that those execs and CEOs are playing. Even if you want to transcend those rules once you’re at the top, you still need to learn them. This post (and Power University) is about learning those rules. The More Autocratic the Leader, The More Extreme the Male Style As a general rule: The more autocratic the CEO, the more the male style permeates the organization. And the more the male style is necessary to climb hierarchies. You can see it with Donald Trump. People who are successful around him are sworn allies to the man, not the organization. They respect the hierarchy and honor the boss (notice how meek vice president Mike Pence is around Trump). And when the boss is not around, they all have an aggressive, “results-nomatter what” attitude. See here an example with Mike Pompeo, one of Trump’s favorite and most successful allies: Mike Pompeo: Our adversaries should know this (..) this organization will be more vicious, more aggressive, more inclined to take risks (…) Pompeo’s way is the extremization (caricature?) of the male style. It’s all about aggression, domination, risk-taking… And enemies that need to be conquered. In that Trump-environment, a more pro-social and kinder female-style would be seen as weak and ineffective, and it would never reach the top.

The 3 Traits to Master The Male Style In the table above there are many entries, and I recommend you read it all. The main ones you need to care of, are: #1. Competitiveness: Be More Competitive Than the Average Woman

Going up the corporate ladder, in good part, is a matter of competition. To do well in business means getting good at competing. Men are more competitive and more comfortable with competition, and that gives them an advantage both at work, and in power dynamics in general. Says Deborah Tannen: If one person is trying to keep everyone equal and working hard to save face for the other, while another person is trying to maintain the one-up position, the person seeking the one-up position is very likely to get it, and to succeed in assigning the one-down position to the person who has not been expending effort to stay out of it. Coaching Advice: 1. Embrace competition: To go up, you need to compete more -as simple as that2. Reframe competition as good for all: Reframe competition. It’s not mean, it’s how the best idea or the best candidate comes out on top, and that’s good for everyone (minus the one who lost) 3. Reframe ambition: Hegelsen says that women are wary of ambition because they accept someone else’s negative definition. Change the definition of ambition. For example: ambition is the desire to maximize your talents in the service of work you find worthwhile and rewarding 4. Acknowledge that you can be friendly and competitive: competition doesn’t mean you’re enemies. You can compete fairly, while being respectful of others

#1.2. Learn to Settle Disputes Through Competition Psychologists Kilmann and Thomas developed the managerial grid model, listing the following behaviors to settle disagreements: Accommodation (giving in) Avoidance (“let’s pretend there is no issue”. It can lead to resentment and passive aggression) Compromise (negotiating the different interest, we both gain a bit and lose a bit) Collaboration (we seek a way that will lead to win-win) Competition (I seek my way, you seek yours. One will win, and one will lose) While women ten do to avoid competition, competition is exactly how conflicts are resolved in many boardrooms (and in some cultures). For more information, self-assessment, and tips on how to compete, read here: Business conflict: self-assessment and advice #2. Power Dynamics: Learn to Respect -and Be Respected- In Hierarchies Men move in a world of top-down hierarchies, while women are more accustomed to flat hierarchies.

This is not to say there are no alpha females and no female hierarchies at all, but they are less pronounced, and follow different rules. This is what you need to know about male hierarchies: 1. Male bosses expect you to honor the hierarchy: act like he is a boss to be respected and listened to, and he will like you more than if you pretended you two are “just two human beings” 2. Male bosses expect loyalty to honor the hierarchy: in male hierarchies great team players show loyalty to the man above and to the team. Not showing loyalty will put you at a political disadvantage. And be wary of loyalty tests

3. Male colleagues will try to one-up you: men seek a hierarchy also among peers, so they might try to one-up you. Banter and teasing are also part of the one-upmanship games. Try to respond in kind 4. Men seek and respect hierarchy status symbols: bigger office, bigger salary, (bigger) expense budget, (bigger) company car. When women give them up, they give up power and male respect. Many of the above rules may seem petty to some women. In many ways, they are. But if you flout them, you are likely going to pay the political price. Also read: How to combine power and femininity Feminine AND Powerful: 9 Tips For Women Bosses Common mistakes to avoid: Ask “why” and expect the boss to explain the tasks Tell the boss why you think he is wrong In interviews, telling male interviewers what work you do and what you don’t want to do Try to change the boss’ mind publicly (persuading someone is a sign of soft power, the boss will not like it) Doing voluntary work outside the team without his approval (including charity work) #3. Goal-Orientation: Develop “Bottom-Line Mindset” Men revere winners. So they tend to be goal-oriented, thinking about the fastest and most effective way of reaching the goal. Only after they found the quickest way, men consider the rules and constraints. Women tend to be more process-oriented, valuing fulfillment and harmony as important parts of that process. To men, that can look like women don’t want to win badly enough.

At work, a bottom-line first mindset is most likely to carry you to the top. It’s not that corporations are evil per se, but the interests are simply aligned that way. People who are financially invested in the business want to see their money grow. A bottom-line first mindset is the mindset that Wall-Street, investors, and owners love. It means they can entrust you with their money. Common mistakes to avoid: Perfectionism: perfectionism tends to focus on the process instead of getting it done Over-worrying: worriors are seen as weak in the “winning-first mindset” Lack of prioritization : men tend to focus on one thing at a time. They will think you’re scatterbrained if you do too many things at once Hiding your drive: if you hide your ambitions you will come across as uncompetitive, and “not exec material” Coaching Advice: Present your idea in terms of bottom-line impact: since men value bottomline thinking, frame your opinion in a way that saves money or makes money. Make yourself less available: studies show that women are far more available than men. Being too available communicates you’re not giving enough priority to your bottom lines 3.2. Develop “Bottom Line Talking” Deborah Tannen talks about “rapport talk”, that women engage in, and “report talk”, that men prefer. Women talking to other women often like to start with a backstory, like how they came up with the idea. And that can be OK… As long as you quickly tie it to the main point. Too long a preamble, and men lose patience fast, especially at the executive level where time is money. I like this example from Margin Call: When the junior employee starts sharing his background story, the CEO immediately tells him to cut to the chase. But notice that it’s different when the background story relates -and leads- to the main issue Advice for Career Success Most career strategies apply to both men and women. But there are several significant peculiarities women should be aware of: #1. Find a Mentor Having a mentor is helpful to anyone, but it’s especially important for women in business organizations.

The authors of “Breaking the Glass Ceiling” found in their survey that only 38 percent of successful men had mentors, but all of the women executives had mentors. Pat Heim believes that’s because women need to re-learn the rules of the game, and a mentor helps them navigate that new world.

Should you get a male or female mentor? The short story: ideally, you will have both a male and a female mentor. Research shows that female mentors help get more promotions, but male mentors help women earn significantly more. #2. Approach Relationships Issues With Work-Talk Women are comfortable talking about relationships and feelings. Men are not. You make men uncomfortable talking about your relationship, even if you mean “work relationships”. So if you need to talk about interpersonal issues approach it by saying “how to work better together”. 2.2. Watch Out for The “Factual Power Moves” Some men might try to avoid a needed relationship talk by sidetracking you. We will see more examples in the relationship module, but for work, imagine that your colleague has taken your idea to the boss and got all the credit. Now you confront him: You: Matt, when I tell you my ideas and you take them to our boss pretending they’re yours, I feel I can’t trust you. There’s a big problem with us working together Matt: Well, your idea wasn’t that good. I can think of lots of better ways to streamline the process The attack is the sidetrack. If you start defending your idea, you fall for the bait. Instead, you must maintain your frame and take it back to the relationship issue (in this case, trust): You: Matt, the issue is not who has the best idea. The issue is trust. And when you behave like that, I don’t feel I can trust you At this point, in the most extreme cases, men can use the “emotional power move”, which goes a bit like this: Matt: Oh, you women are all alike. So emotional about everything. Let’s just keep this professional Again, he is trying to sidetrack the conversation to avoid fessing up to his wrongdoing. You want to keep insisting on the real issue.

#3. Act Swiftly On Catty Female Subordinates [Image: woman boss] Pulling ranks on insubordinate employees after they refuse to change their ways is the only way to maintain your authority When a woman is promoted to a managerial position, other women can grow resentful. Don’t take it personally, often it’s a knee-jerk reaction to their own female bias. To a woman, a woman becoming a boss is a betrayal of the female unwritten rules (flat organization and “power dead-even”). Read more in this forum entry. To handle it, I recommend this approach: 1. Get personal: go to lunch, get to know her, use indirect ways of commanding (“female style” solution) 2. Coach her on how business works: explain that business is a hierarchical organization and you had to learn yourself. Now, you’re happy to share with her (coach solution) 3. Tell her you’re the boss and she must execute: if the two above fail, try the top-down approach. This is likely to make her even more resentful though, so be prepared (autocratic solution) 4. Fire her: a toxic employee is undermining you and your team. If she can’t work well, it’s your duty to let toxic employees go #4. More Bullet-Advice And here are more female-specific advice in shorter format: Avoid volunteering for non-business critical tasks have you ever seen a man collecting money for Christmas gifts, or sending around birthday cards to sign? Me neither. Develop relationships that increase your power: women are uncomfortable building alliances that further their goals. But alliances are a critical path to power and success Don’t talk behind men’s back: women are used to talk about their friends with other friends, but to men that’s a personal betrayal. Avoid talking about a man’s way of working to other women Dare to lead: women often feel uncomfortable taking leadership positions. Especially if there are men around. But if you have to make it in a male world, you might have to push yourself to get in the lead Take criticism in strides: women more than men tend to take feedback and criticism personally. Never show that criticism is getting to you because men consider that an emotional weakness (develop an antifragile ego and growth mindset) Use your budget: Loils Frankl says that women tend to be conscientious about their company’s money. That’s great, as long as you aren’t inconveniencing

yourself to save a few bucks Beware of father figures: if you tend to behave unnaturally childish or “girly” around men with authority, beware you’re not seeing him as a father figure Avoid over-apologizing: some women have a tendency to overapologize. Apologizing profusely for inconsequential slips shows insecurity Avoid playing the gender card: unless you can prove anything, you will get little support Don’t waste too much time on early ideas: Fran Hauser says that men knock on their bosses’ door to share a business idea. Women instead prepare presentations before they even get simple feedback. Before you invest much time, mention that idea in a casual conversation first. Network with both men and women: women tend to cluster with other women, but that’s a mistake. In organizations where most top executives are men, it’s men who have the most important information And if you’re feeling like crying? Read this forum entry on how to handle tears. This is a preview from Power University, the workplace module, where you can find more real-life examples and practical advice. Related

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Filed Under: Workplace Power Tagged With: advice for businesswomen, businesswomen tips, career advice for women, gender differences at work, gender in the workplace , How Men and Women See the Workplace Differently, men and women differences at work [Image: lucio founder of the power moves] About the Author: Lucio Buffalmano Lucio is a social scientist, member of APA and a perpetual researcher of human nature. He teaches power dynamics because he believes that to be good, you first need to learn how to be bad. ThePowerMoves.com is where this new breed of leaders come to train. Power University About Contact

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10 Ways to Be More Dominant February 16, 2019 By Lucio Buffalmano The indicators of dominance are pretty clear, when you know what you need to pay attention to. And when you know what the signs of dominance are, you will also learn how to show dominance, because all you need to do is to simply start adopting a more dominant behavior. This article will show you exactly how dominance looks like in real life. Contents #1. Leading 1.2. Walking First / Forging Ahead 1.3. In Dating, Lead the Interaction Forward 1.4. Make People Follow Your Lead 1.5. Guiding Others: The Good Host 1.6. Assigning Tasks #2. Exerting Social Pressure 2.2. Social Aggression 2.3. Silences + Inquisitive Look #3. Fewer Words & More Nonverbal 3.2. Use More Facial Expressions 3.3. Dominant Hand Gestures 3.4. Facial Expressions Power Moves #4. Dominant Touching 4.2. Parenting-Style Touch 4.2. Power Hug #5. Aggression, Assertion & Punishment 5.2. Face Slapping 5.3. Touching or Taking Your Property 5.4. Claiming Territory #6. Commanding Attention 6.2. The Buck Stops at Dominant men Summary #1. Leading One of the most obvious signs of social power is, of course, leadership. Powerful people lead. Here are some real-life examples of leading: 1.2. Walking First / Forging Ahead If there is a group walking, less dominant individuals will look around to see who is going first and who is going to take the lead.

Dominant individuals instead don’t look around: they walk first. If there is a decision to make, they speak first. And if there is an important guy to meet, they greet him first. Look at the character Tony Montana in Scarface. What’s the obvious sign that is a dominant man? Tony has never seen Frank, and has never been to his place. Unknown environments is where you will see most people behave tentatively, looking around for leadership’s cues. Super dominant individuals will take the lead even in unknown environments, which is exactly what Tony does as he starts walking towards the house first. Omar, who is Frank’s friend, has to speed up to catch up with Tony. The character of Tony Montana is a typical meathead/young gun. Real Life Check: Albeit a sign of social power is to take the lead in unknown situations, I don’t recommend this course of action as your go-to response. It’s best you first check in the group if there is someone who’s more knowledgeable than you are. And if there is nobody more knowledgeable than you are but it’s a high stake situation, you should probably still consult others as well before committing to an action. Making mistakes or taking the group down the wrong path because you wanted to look dominant and didn’t consult with others is exactly what poor leadership is about. 1.3. In Dating, Lead the Interaction Forward There are many ways in which men can express dominance in dating. One of them, crucial for leading the seduction forward, is to take charge and move the interaction towards intimacy. My advice in this realm is to mix dominance with warmth. Best of all, is to mix dominance with caring and protecting behavior. That’s the best strategy especially if you want to potentially transition into a relationship. Furthermore, any behavior that cares for and protects the people around is inherently leader-like. That’s how strong and good leaders behave. A couple of ways of doing it: Move her away if a fight erupts Guide her by putting a hand on her lower back Help her get up Example from the movie Spread:

Real Life Check: There are no cons to protective and caring leadership in a romantic relationship. A strong leader-like man who cares and protects is a man who makes a woman happy. And it’s the healthiest way to maintain control and leadership of the relationship. 1.4. Make People Follow Your Lead People following you is the definition of social power. Any time people follow your lead, you are by definition acting as the leader and as the most powerful individual. Politicians, schooled and instructed by communication experts, play this game quite often. They shake hands, place a hand on people’s back, then open up their body, and point to something in the environment. What they’re trying to do is to have people follow their lead. Of course, Trump heavily engages in it. Here with Macron while they both try to play each other and end up being quite awkward: Note that Macron did it because this was in France, “playing at home”. And Trump did it because he’s Trump and would do the same no matter where he is. Real Life Check: When people want to follow your lead, then you should provide that leadership. This is the epitome of dominance and social power. If you are not yet sure people accept your leadership, proceed with caution or they will resent you. If you notice people are resisting you, drop the games and focus on becoming a figure people want to follow first. When you “test the waters” always start with small requests and work your way up. 1.5. Guiding Others: The Good Host Dominant men politely invite others to “be their guests”. To follow them, to sit down, to enjoy the food, to go through the door first. It looks polite, but it’s also leader-like and it puts them in charge. Here Obama and Putin trying to play host on each other: This is a game politicians often play, continuously telling each other where to sit and go, even when they have no freaking idea.

How to handle it: Whenever you can avoid following, avoid. For example, you can wait 10 seconds longer before sitting. If the host tells you to get inside, pretend you want to stop one second to admire the panorama. If you can’t avoid following them, then sit or follow them nonchalantly, without looking at them and without saying “ok”. Just do it as if you wanted to do it. Then make a mental note that you’re one down and need to even the scores. Real Life Check: If you are hosting an event at your place or if you have the ranks and formal authority of leadership, then you should engage in guiding behavior. If you are someone’s guest, avoid leading them because it’s highly jarring being told what to do in one’s own place. As a matter of fact, it’s OK to let people play the host if they are the actual hosts. 1.6. Assigning Tasks Dominant individuals task others. They do it when they have formal authority, of course, and they will often task people even when lacking formal authority. We have seen examples of taskers in “types of political players“, in the workplace section. Beating Taskers: Ask yourself: is he in a position to assign tasks? You will over-analyze in the beginning, granted. But over time it will become natural for you to discern between fair requests and unfair requests from people who have either no authority over you or who cannot ask you to do what they’re asking.

Make a point to challenge and reject all tasks from people who have no authority and/or assign them in a curt and non-respectful way. Below is an example, from a reach out through a website’s contact form: [Image: email exchange on how to deal with dominant folks]

When you draw your boundaries most people realize they were being out of line and will naturally change tack (and respect you more for it). Why did he have no right tasking me like that? Keep in mind the social exchange laws: I am not working for him, and he is not contributing to me or to the organization in any way. Instead, he is asking for value. That’s OK, but the power dynamics of this exchange give him no right to task me the way he did.

Real Life Check: More submissive people are afraid of assigning tasks even when they know what the best course of action is, or when they have the authority to assign tasks. And, of course, they are afraid of saying no. If you’re more on the submissive end, you will have to force yourself to assign more tasks and refuse more tasks. If you are more on the dominant side, you need to start noticing when people push back on your tasks or they execute them but with growing resentment -poor execution is often a sign of growing resentment-. #2. Exerting Social Pressure This is a beauty. Dominant men can create social tension at will. They create social tension to make the more submissive individuals comply, crack, speak or act. Sometimes they create that tension without an actual reason, just to show who’s in charge. Some other times it will be in jest, just for the fun of wielding power and seeing you squeak. 2.2. Social Aggression A dramatic example of creating tension it is the famous “how am I funny” scene in Goodfellas Tommy, an example of a meathead dominant style, uses intimidatory looks, loud voice, aggressive tonality, pregnant pauses, full-frontal body language. Overall, his social pressure is also an unstated threat of violence. Real Life Check: Social pressure is great, and you can play around with it. The example above of course was extreme, and you only want to use that type of frame dominance when people are being highly disrespectful and you need to draw a powerful line in the sand. 2.3. Silences + Inquisitive Look Denzel Washington uses this one often, including a few times in the movie Training Days (there is a quiz with that example in the course). The dynamics of who creates tension and who suffers under tension are an important indicator of who is in charge in a relationship. Here is an example from an ex-girlfriend of mine before we were a couple: Me: What about Enrico Her: (looking tense) Enrico, what do you mean

Me: Enrico, don’t you remember? Her: (getting worried) No…. Did I say Enrico in my sleep? Me: (ignoring: didn’t even want to entertain the possibility of jealousy) Enrico, don’t you remember what is it. Try to guess Her: (more and more worried) OMG, I don’t know if I said it in my sleep, I have no idea who is Enrico Me: (sideways glance, pursed lips, slightly corrugated eyebrows: this is the inquisitive look, examples in the course) Her: … I’m sorry, I don’t know what’s gotten into me, I really have no idea how Enrico is, really Luc… Me: Enrico is the name of the breakfast menu we had last time Her: Ooooh ahaha true, OMG I was thinking I said it while sleeping, I’m sorry! Ahaha yes I would love an Enrico ahah I hadn’t started with the aim of creating tension, but I had noticed she was putting pressure on herself. So I just added the sideway glance and stern look to see how far she’d go. And that exchange told me a lot about where we stood (such as: she was more into me than I thought and I was more dominant in the relationship than I had previously thought). Real Life Check: This is a very powerful technique that can be used in a friendly and joking way as well. When you can be dominant while half-joking and while still being friendly, it’s pure gold. Dominant signs delivered in a half-joking fashion have all of the upsides with little downside, so I highly recommend you learn it and start using in your daily life (example in the course). #3. Fewer Words & More Nonverbal The law of social effort says that those who give less and take more are more powerful (also check: the law of social exchange). And that applies in communication as well. People who have lots of social power use fewer words less and more nonverbal gestures. 3.2. Use More Facial Expressions See an example in the course. 3.3. Dominant Hand Gestures There is nothing more dominant than directing other people’s behavior without words.

Hand gestures can be used either to defend your right of speaking without stopping, or to make someone else speak. Here is a good example from judge Judy: Asking questions and having people answer is dominant. But making others speak and move without a single word is much more powerful. 3.4. Facial Expressions Power Moves Watch out for this one because judging or socially attacking with facial expressions only can be passive aggressive instead of dominant. It becomes a sign of dominance when talking directly and openly would be out of place, not possible or way too confrontational. Basically, think of it like this: in a situation where most people would have just pretended of going along with the flow, the socially powerful individual still allows himself to pass judgment. Look at De Niro passing nonverbal judgment with his future son in law: Verbal disapproval towards her daughter’s fiance’ would have been too much. But he still sends out a message of disapproval. His expression right before sipping communicates “hmmm I smell bullshit”. Task For You: Most people use way too little nonverbal. Try to increase your use of facial expressions and gestures. Joining an acting class is a good way of increasing your nonverbal repertoire. #4. Dominant Touching Several studies show that people who touch others more are perceived as more dominant. Different ways of touching convey different levels of dominance of course. Back slapping or light punches on the shoulder while laughing and drinking, for example, tend to be very juvenile, and not very dominant. Touching someone’s face instead is very dominant. Here are some more dominant touches: 4.2. Parenting-Style Touch When one individual takes a parent role in a relationship, it often pushes the other party into a “baby” role. And of course, the parent is the role with most social power. Touches that signal a parent role include:

patting on the head cheek pinching face touching Sheryl Sandberg, the author of Lean In, complains of “patriarchy” in the workplace and shares the story of a congressman who patted her on the head and asked “what are you, a pon-pon girl?”. That was an attempt at taking the power role / father role in the relationship. Here is an example of cheek pinching, which a professor of mine used on a classmate of mine: This one is very good for a man to do to a woman because it places him as the dominant father figure while still showing a caring attitude (next article we will see the perfect words to go with it). Most of the times, when people touch your face they are communicating they’re in charge. But it can also be used in a friendly way, to communicate you are taking care of someone (bosses in mafia movies often use it): The Godfather communicates “I care about you”, but it’s still delivered from a dominant position. This is the pinnacle of “mixing power with warmth“ 4.2. Power Hug Example of Mike Epps in “Janky Promoters” Real Life Check: Avoid this one if you’re older than 20 YO and sober. It’s rather juvenile and it’s annoying, too. It’s also easy to remove your arm and make you look as overly aggressive. #5. Aggression, Assertion & Punishment The continuum of aggression is usually understood as going from submission to assertion to aggression. Dominant men are rarely on the submissive side, of course. The most socially adroit ones are on the assertion side, but they also know how to cope with aggression and, in the rare cases when it’s needed, they can also cross into aggression (but this is not to say I’m recommending anyone to be aggressive). 5.2. Face Slapping Face slapping can be friendly, or it can be threatening, as if to say “watch out”. In the former, it will be delivered with a smile and in friendliness. In the latter, with a very stern face. In either case, it sends a strong signal of dominance.

A slap in the face among male adults is very emasculating and it’s one of the biggest signs of a dominant/submissive relationship. 5.3. Touching or Taking Your Property Dominant men allow themselves to touch or take other people’s property. Even if done in jest, it’s as if to say “you belong to me (and so does your stuff)”. Even if done in jest, it’s if to say “you’re below me (so I can touch your stuff)”. And the moment you let them take and touch your property at will you are communicating you approve of that power relationship. Beating property invasions: Either you don’t let them take your things, or become more liberal about “property” and act the same way towards their property. You might not be comfortable doing it, but do it anyway. If they complain that’s also great: you created a precedent when it will be OK for you to complain when they touch your stuff again. 5.4. Claiming Territory Most people have a natural understanding of “personal territory”. But submissive people don’t act on personal space’s encroachment and fail to draw their boundaries. The most dominant individuals instead act swiftly on personal space encroachment, and do so very openly. So defending one’s territory and space is a sign of dominance, confidence, and social power. Here is an example from the movie Boiler Room: #6. Commanding Attention The more socially dominant individual command attention. Individuals with great social power are not necessarily flashy -and often they are not. But people tend to gravitate towards them by virtue of their power, authority, or status. People also tend to pay more attention when the most socially dominant man speaks. Or when he enters the room. [Image: signs of dominance] 6.2. The Buck Stops at Dominant men

It’s especially when the going gets tough that the attention naturally turns towards the most dominant individuals. People seek answer, they want wisdom.. They want someone to make them feel calm. And they turn to the real leader. In these cases, it’s less about physical dominance and more about experience, leadership, competence, and intellectual dominance. Look at this scene from The Godfather: Of course they pull him back in. It’s because people naturally turn towards the “real” leader when they’re lost or when they’re in trouble. This is the “leaders’ burden”: people will look for you. And they will expect you to be there. And it’s also your duty to help. The leader’s burden. Summary The previous article alpha male body language was more about still poses. This post showed you how dominant looks like in real social interactions. Learn More Dominant expressions (what you must do more) Submissive body language (what you must get rid of) Submissive expressions (what you must avoid saying) This is an excerpt from Power University Related

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10 2 Filed Under: Social Power Moves Tagged With: dominance signs , expressions of dominance, how to look dominant, how to recognize a dominant man, how to spot a dominant man, signs of dominance [Image: lucio founder of the power moves] About the Author: Lucio Buffalmano Lucio is a social scientist, member of APA and a perpetual researcher of human nature.

He teaches power dynamics because he believes that to be good, you first need to learn how to be bad. ThePowerMoves.com is where this new breed of leaders come to train. Power University About Contact T&Cs Privacy Refund Policy Copyright The Power Moves© 2020 · Log in

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You've been randomly selected to try out the new Textise Preview version. Opt in to use this every time. The Preview version features faster loading times and other upcoming improvements. During this extremely difficult time, we at Textise urge everyone to stay safe and adhere to your government's regulations concerning the pandemic. You can get the latest information about the Novel Coronavirus at the World Health Organisation (WHO) site (text-only view). This page has been Textised with the Preview version! The original page address was https://thepowermoves.com/common-women-sexmistakes/ For sharing use ... Here are some options: Back to original page (in this window | in a new window) Convert this page to a PDF Print this page Textise Home Page (full version | text only version) Textise Options Page (choose font size, font colour, etc.) Are you a webmaster? Find out how to easily add Textise to your web site. Skip to main content Underpriced's offer is ending. Price jumps in 12 hours. Enroll before it's too late. The Power Moves Power dynamics, life strategies, and owning your life. Start Here Power Definitions Blog Social Power Dynamics Career Strategies Dating For Women Dating For Men Relationships Resources Speed Learning Power University Seduction University Forum

Join In! 9 Common Sex Mistakes Women Do April 26, 2018 By Lucio Buffalmano There are a few common mistakes I have noticed in women when it comes to sex. By “mistakes”, I mean that they either make the men less interested, less attracted or even less horny and less interested in having sex or in having sex again in the future.

This article will list the common sex mistakes purely based on personal experience. Contents Common Sex Mistakes 1. Passionless Resistance to His Advances 2. Going For His Penis Too Quickly 3. “Yuck” Rejections 4. Talking Too Soon After Coitus 5. Asking If It Was OK 6. Assigning Morality to Sex Positions 7. Finger Interlacing During Doggy 8. Dictating The Rhythm 9. Not Allowing Yourself To Let Go Common Sex Mistakes Here is the list of the most common sex mistakes: 1. Passionless Resistance to His Advances The first time a couple has a sex can be a memorable moment. And resisting a man’s advances without showing any sign of attraction is one of the most common sex mistakes women do to ruin that moment. Resist and postpone as long as you want, but if all you do is push him away you: 1. Will make him feel hurt and unwanted 2. Risk he’ll self reject and write you off 3. Sub-communicate you’re not into him or into sex Much, much better to tell him you’re attracted to him but it’s too early for you (read how to reject sex ) or to reject him while also showing bursts of passion (read Madonna/Whore seduction) 2. Going For His Penis Too Quickly I was guilty for this one when I first started out:

I remember my first girlfriend proposing me we should play the doctor game. “What the hell is she thinking”, I thought. Then she finally admitted: I was too quick in going for her female parts. And the game was her way to teach me a more gradual build up. *Face palm* :). Today, several years and experiences later, I’ve been on the receiving end of “jump-start sex” more than once. Albeit the issue is not as bad for men, it can take a lot away from the overall experiences. Especially when it repeats over time. Note: super hot moments of tearing each other’s clothes off are an exception. 3. “Yuck” Rejections How women rejected men can make or break a seduction: I couple years ago I crossed path with a fellow countryman while traveling through Thailand. He liked the local women, he said, because they enjoyed oral sex. And that was in contrast to his previous Italian girlfriends whom, he said, rejected oral sex saying “no ma che schifo“. That roughly translates with “yuck no that’s disgusting“. However open minded a man can be, it’s never a good feeling when a woman says “Yuck” to his member :). Of course, don’t do anything you’re not comfortable with, but a bit of tact in turning things down goes a long way. A few other expressions to avoid: It smells It’s disgusting I don’t wanna do that with you I don’t do that on a first date 4. Talking Too Soon After Coitus This is another relatively common one. The first couple of minutes after coitus are one of the pleasures of life. And it’s one of those pleasures that it’s best enjoyed and respected with the utmost silence :). Right after he has peaked, he wants to enjoy that moment without any distraction. And if you talk to him, he might see you as a momentary nuisance or, worst, as someone who “doesn’t get him”. Here’s a rule of thumb, then: no conversation for the first two minutes after sex. If you’re not sure, let him speak first.

Comments that don’t need a reply are allowed though. Especially if positive: That was great I’ve never come so hard before God I feel good now 5. Asking If It Was OK It’s OK asking if “it was OK”. But it should be done with tact or you come across as needy -and you might disturb that after-coitus phase that actually bond partners together. I was once going for anal sex with an ex girlfriend of mine. But we aborted the mission as it was a bit too painful for her. After we were done and laying down, she asked: Her: Is it OK for you? Me: Ja (a few seconds later) Her: Is it OK that we didn’t do it.. Me: Yes Asking if it was OK for him right after sex slots you as the one who has to please him. It puts him in charge and you as the subordinate. But worst of all, it can make you come across as a bit insecure. Now mind you, strategic weaknesses can be highly seductive.. As long as you are aware of it. 6. Assigning Morality to Sex Positions Don’t get this wrong, you refuse whatever you’re not comfortable with. A few women however refuse some positions -for example from the back- because they see it as “demeaning” or “unpure”. Love, caring, compassion… These are all key traits of a relationship. And no sex position takes any of that away. If anything, it’s refusing to do something with your partner that might diminish your bond. And when you slot sex positions into “good” and “bad” categories, that might send the wrong message to a lot of guys out there. Including: Domineering attitude (sex as a power struggle) Feminist brainwashing (ie.: not from the back because it’s “dominant sex”)

Inability to lose oneself into carnal passion (rational approach) Possible hang ups about sex 7. Finger Interlacing During Doggy I’m thinking here to the flat doggy style position, when the man’s hands are sometimes near the face of the woman. Placing your hand on top of his and interlacing fingers could be seen as too cutesy at that point. Note: this applies more strongly when you’re not in a relationship. And it changes depending on how you live sex with your partner and what “kind” of sex you’re having (more on the rougher side or more on the “sex as emotional bonding” type). 8. Dictating The Rhythm The rule of thumb: Woman on top, she decides the rhythm. Other positions, man decides the rhythm. Plenty of exceptions to the rule of course. But it’s often off-putting when women try to dictate the rhythm. Sometimes she’s trying to do it for him, and sometimes after he’s announced that he’s about to come. At that point, he knows best how to thrust to maximize his pleasure. As tempted as you might be to show off your pelvic mobility, it can easily end up out of sync and only take away from his pleasure (and it’s mostly about timing: I’ve experienced some skilled twerkers… Who got the timing all wrong). Exception: if you’re in a relationship and want to learn to take it on the next level. Then learning to time each other’s pleasure can pay off handsomely. You’ll get it wrong a few times most likely, but once you reach the perfect thrusting-timing for each other, then… Nice :). 9. Not Allowing Yourself To Let Go This goes beyond simple “sex mistakes women do” and into a fundamental truth of many women’s life and psychology. Men’s sexual skills are important, but even more important are her attitudes towards her body and towards sex. And her willingness and ability to let herself go correlate highly with those attitudes. It’s indeed relatively easy to give multiple orgasms to women who have experienced orgasms before. But it can be very difficult to give orgasms to women who’ve never had an orgasm before. So the first, and very first thing you can do make your sex life as pleasurable as it should be, both for yourself and for him… Is to give yourself permission to.

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1 Filed Under: Dating For Her, Social Power Moves Tagged With: common sex mistakes , common women sex mistakes, sex mistakes, sex mistakes she makes, sex mistakes women do, sex tips for her, sexual mistakes women do, women sex mistakes [Image: lucio founder of the power moves] About the Author: Lucio Buffalmano Lucio is a social scientist, member of APA and a perpetual researcher of human nature. He teaches power dynamics because he believes that to be good, you first need to learn how to be bad. ThePowerMoves.com is where this new breed of leaders come to train. Power University About Contact T&Cs Privacy Refund Policy Copyright The Power Moves© 2020 · Log in

Textise: Back to top This text-only page was created by Textise (www.textise.net) © Textise - CPC LLC To find out more about our product, visit Textise.org.

You've been randomly selected to try out the new Textise Preview version. Opt in to use this every time. The Preview version features faster loading times and other upcoming improvements. During this extremely difficult time, we at Textise urge everyone to stay safe and adhere to your government's regulations concerning the pandemic. You can get the latest information about the Novel Coronavirus at the World Health Organisation (WHO) site (text-only view). This page has been Textised with the Preview version! The original page address was https://thepowermoves.com/office-power-moves/ For sharing use ... Here are some options: Back to original page (in this window | in a new window) Convert this page to a PDF Print this page Textise Home Page (full version | text only version) Textise Options Page (choose font size, font colour, etc.) Are you a webmaster? Find out how to easily add Textise to your web site. Skip to main content Underpriced's offer is ending. Price jumps in 12 hours. Enroll before it's too late. The Power Moves Power dynamics, life strategies, and owning your life. Start Here Power Definitions Blog Social Power Dynamics Career Strategies Dating For Women Dating For Men Relationships Resources Speed Learning Power University Seduction University Forum Join In!

10 Office Power Moves (For Machiavellians Only!) May 31, 2019 By Lucio Buffalmano Office power moves are actions and behaviors that assert your dominance and authority over colleagues and reports. Why would you ever want to engage in power moves? If you’re really asking that question, get immediately out of this page, please. For the other Machiavellians who started salivating, this is your place. [Image: office power moves meme] This post will teach you how to assert power through the vast expanses of the office world. This article is best suited for those who got some power already -why else would I waste my time with rookies and losers?-. First lesson is a mindset: you da boss. And whichever dark recesses those nine-to-fivers hail from, they must all know that you’re the alpha male (or female) of the office tribe and that nobody fux with you.

Note: this is a humorous article (but it’s still based on real power dynamics principles). Contents #1. Task Them For Stuff They Were Going to Do Anyway #2. Fix Their Mistakes Before They Got A Chance to SelfCorrect #3. The Melons Power Move #4. Territorial Pissing Power Move #5. Master The Fine Art of Offers They Can’t Refuse #6. Show Them For The Poor Idiots They Are #7. Haze The F*ck Out of Them #8. Misspell All The Nobodies’ Names #9. Always Let Them Adapt to You #10. Let The Useless C*nts Wait #11. BONUS: Burn The Whole Thing Down #1. Task Them For Stuff They Were Going to Do Anyway Nothing makes you look powerful and in control as telling others what to do. Always be the first to tell others what to do. Act quick, before anyone else might score those precious points or, God forbid, before they get a chance at doing it without being told to (brrr).

[Image: office politics example] You never want to waste any chance at increasing your office clout. #2. Fix Their Mistakes Before They Got A Chance to Self-Correct The more mistakes you fix, the more attentive you look -and the more you make others look sloppy-. The stark tension between “perfect you” and “sloppy everyone else” will soon loom so large that it will automatically propel you right to the CEO’s spot. And then you’re finally free to make all the mistakes you want. [Image: office power move] But again, be quick! There is nothing worst in the world of office power moves than a colleague correcting his mistake before you can do it! [Image: a meme of an office power move fail] Don’t allow that to happen! It’s always better to jump the gun and overcorrect than to miss an opportunity for power moving. In case you’re wrong, you still win. Just say: You: Good, good. I want to make sure you’re not as sloppy as you seem Power moved! You can never lose in this game of power by being too bold. #3. The Melons Power Move When life gives you melons, f*ck the melonade, make a career out of it. [Image: office power move with sexual innuendo] There will come a day when CEOs won’t pay stacked hookers anymore but they’ll plug their VR machines instead. But until then, you’re still on time to take advantage of the most easily manipulatable animal on planet Earth. So strike while it’s hot, sista. Men are still desperate to exchange a blow job for any kind of job you want. So show the gals, and ask. P.S.: men can also give it a try. #4. Territorial Pissing Power Move

Regena Thomaschauer, in art “Mama Gena”, inspired us all with “Pussy: A Reclamation“. Regena taught us how she secured her powerful, romantic, disgustingly rich and exquisitely European lover. How did she get him? When her beau let her stay at his place, she snuck around his back and rubbed her pussy all over the place. Like, literally. And if you’re not “WTF-ing” already, that included his toothbrush. After that, she told us, she became the queen of the house. That’s a true story from her book (urgh!). Still, you can take a leaf out of her book -but if you wanna get her book, go for the digital version… You never know the paper ones haven’t been rubbed by her personally-. How to Territorial Piss All Over The Place Does your company have separate areas for upper management and employees? Flaunt those rules! The rules are for the herd, and you’re here to learn the office power moves of the movers and shakers. Let your soul soar higher than the small confines of corporate borders. Be a towering bastion for freedom, for equality. Lead the herd towards a more just world. Encroach upon the land of the wealthy and powerful as you carry the cross of the poor and oppressed. Yours truly did just that in high school. While professors had their own clean toilets marked as “reserved”, the students were relegated to cattle-level stalls. Do you think I was gonna have any of that? I wasn’t! Until I got busted. The principal, old fuck that he was, didn’t get the pun. You should have seen his face when he was told: Rebel power player: yeah, but it didn’t say reserved for whom Power moved! Good thing you can’t fire rebel f*cks from high school.

#5. Master The Fine Art of Offers They Can’t Refuse Don’t let money and rules constrain your creativity. There is so much more you can exchange: think outside the box! Tyson once said: Everything is for sale. But the price is not always money Well, turns out that if you find out what they like, you might even save some money. The Godfather, for example, found out that senator Geary gladly paid for the license instead of being involved with her hooker’s murder. And the big band leader who started Johnny Fontane preferred to put the signature on the contract instead of his brain. True story. Yep, the Godfather is really good at thinking outside the box. Papaya Power Move But if that type of outside the box doesn’t do for you, don’t worry. There are all kinds of non-monetary offers that don’t entail violence. And sometimes some love is all you need. And if you don’t get need big melons to make a fast career, don’t despair. A good papaya also does the trick. [Image: sharon stone power move] Sometimes thinking outside the box could also mean inviting people to peek into the box. Just be creative! #6. Show Them For The Poor Idiots They Are There is no point in making a lot of money if you can’t rub in the face of poor people. But in this world of PC we are losing the art of a good rubbing it in. That’s why you must take it upon yourself to make those entry-level nobodies feel like the worthless pieces of [email protected] they actually are. A great office power move is to invite them out for a bash to make them feel like they are part of the group. The secret to executing this power move well is to make them believe the company will pay. Those cheap f*cks love it when they can scrounge a meal on your dime. But when the bill comes, big surprise! Enjoy the look on their faces as you tell the waiter “we split the bill, thank you”.

LOL. They thought it was going to be fun ordering the most expensive booze on your company, eh? [Image: business lunch power move] Oh, what mr. Nobody, you don’t have that much money with you? No worries, it will come off your salary on a monthly basis. And you understand that by our internal very regulations we need to charge our interest fees. #7. Haze The F*ck Out of Them You know the famous Groucho Marx quote: I don’t want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member Indeed, you don’t want lazy-asses, freeloaders commies like Groucho Marx in your club. OK, that might have been a different Marx, so what, the point is the same. You must set the bar high for your kingdom! Plenty of sociological research shows that people don’t value groups that are too easy to get into (Cialdini, 1984). And that’s why you must have them earn the entrance. Cough up that entry fee until the last penny. And then some more. And this isn’t f*cking high school. It works the inverse here: the more senior they are, the harder you haze them. New CFO thinks he’s above the rules? Sure thing pal, pass me the paddle! The CIO thinks it’s not “safe” to record the hazing? That’s why he’ll get a double dose! That’s how they earn their entry. Everyone must earn their buttons. You don’t want any young f*ck in the future to come in and tell your guys that they bought their buttons. But most of all, you must make the point that only YOU are above the rules. All the rest, they toe the line. As long as you say so, at least. Office Power Moves Twist

Oh, and in just in case you didn’t get it yet, you record it so you get proof of dirt on them. That’s the Denzel Washington’s power move in Training Day. #8. Misspell All The Nobodies’ Names I hope you didn’t buy into that goody good shit from “How to Win Friends“. Here is the quote, so that you can more easily erase it from your brain: Mr Softie: Remember that a person’s name is to that person, the sweetest and most important sound in any language. And since Mr. Softie Carnegie hundreds of thousands of execs have been pissing all their power away by lowering themselves to the status of nobodies. But not you! Real power players showcase power with the weight of their disrespect. Starting with the very first names of the nobodies around them -which is pretty much everyone-. Here is a rule of thumb: the more exotic the name sounds, the more you will misspell it. You want to make them feel like barely accepted guests in your office. The feeling must be a distinct feeling that they’re only there as long as they produce. But at the minimum mistake, you sent them packing to the sh*thole they came from. What’s that? “Oh you really need your VISA?” OK, thank you for letting me know about your weak hand. Then maybe I won’t report you for stealing if you accept to work at half the salary. Fair deal! The Art of Misspelling Names And you might wonder, what if they are called “John”, “Jim”, or anything too easy to misspell? I’m glad you ask! Just because they’re from your same place it doesn’t mean they get treated any better! And that’s where you show why you’re boss and you take it to the next level with your creativity. You will call “John”, “Jim”. And you will call “Jim”, “John”. [Image: office power move (introduction)]

Another great option is to say that you’re sorry, but they look so similar. Bonus points if they don’t look like each other in the slightest. #9. Always Let Them Adapt to You You want to make sure people know this: You’re not jumping on the fags’ fad of inclusivity. Let Justin Trudeau lead the way there: Justin Trudeau: (with nasal, high-pitched voice): we like to say peoplekind, not necessarily mankind, it’s more inclusive How do you nail this down? Just do the opposite of what Trudeau would do. Trudeau would include other cultures? You diss them. Trudeau respects minorities? You always side with the majority that abuses the minority. Trudeau would call the Christmas party the holiday party? You know better. Calling the “Christmas party” “holiday party’ is for faggotish corporations. A real office king has everyone else adapt to his culture. Of course, it doesn’t matter if whether or not you’re a practicing Christian, it’s just to show that the others have to adapt to you. And if one year you want to that point really clear, you will tell HR to organize the food with pork chops in every single dish. To hell vegetarians and other religions. Show Disdain For Their Cultures Real power players don’t buy the BS of their own company cultures and values. They just made that stuff up to maximize the nobodies’ output. And for the petty middle-level managers. They’re the conscientious ones who actually believe the corporate lies. Power players are not really proud of their own cultures and countries. They know that top dogs are top dogs anywhere you go, and they have been the same any time throughout history. But they still show disdain for anything “different”. Just to show superiority and to decrease everyone else’s status. Here’s how it’s done, fellas:

That’s a proper power player. F*ck you and your culture, let’s drink. When I say so. #10. Let The Useless C*nts Wait You must always show everyone that your time matters more than all their times combined. That’s why you call a big meeting and then you stroll with a 20 minutes delay saying: You: sorry the delay guys, I had some important stuff to do. Say it with a superior tone. Then, if they still don’t get it what a bunch of useless c*nts they are, you add: You: Alright, let’s get through this quick so I can get back to do important stuff If they still don’t get it, you might have gone too far following Michael Gerber’s advice and making your business monkey-easy to execute. You know, kings can get lonely too. So hire some c*nts who can at least get your office power moves. There is no pleasure otherwise. #11. BONUS: Burn The Whole Thing Down What are you telling me? You’re not yet the top dog of the office world? Then you must wash that dishonor in blood and destroy anyone who might otherwise live on to tell the story. Learn how to destroy your boss, of course. But first, learn to hate him. Whatever small thing he has done to you, never think it might have been your own fault. That feedback with “room for improvement”? F*ck him! What, taking ownership of your mistakes? No, f*ck that. Growing from failures and feedback? What are you a hippy now? Use it all as dark motivation to bring him down instead. Much better use of your time.

Or at the very least, gather enough dirt on him to properly blackmail him: Kevin Spacey takes his boss down threatening to charge him for homosexual harassment. Oh, the irony. But a real Machiavelli quits the office with some proper flames in his wake. The biggest office power move is always to bring the whole company down and to bury the full list of scumbags who failed to see you were king material. Attila the marauder, “flagellum Dei”, wherever he moved, he brought destruction. The Italians still say that on his wake, grass would never grow back. Well, f*ck those spaghetti momma lovers and let them complain about small-dick Attila. There’s a reason the memories of the great past are all they’re left with. But you, you won’t let a horse-humping troglodyte outdo you. Enter, the mister Farage power move. [Image: nigel farage power move meme] What, you’ve been laughing about me for 2 decades you unelected, chair warming, business-suffocating EU c*nts? Look who’s laughing now, f*ckers! That rainy island is still in the EU, it might never leave and this whole charade just cost hundreds of millions? Whatever. Farange won. He showed them. Mic drop. About This Article This article is inspired by a book called “What Would Machiavelli Do“. Similarly to that book, you can read this post at different layers. It’s satirical, of course. But it’s not pure fantasy, either. And some of these office power moves are what some managers and execs are actually doing, either consciously or unconsciously. Just not as obvious and not as aggressively. Maybe. But the gist is the same. Also see: The best power moves. Ever.

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Filed Under: Workplace Power Tagged With: career power moves, office power dynamics, office power moves, office power plays, power moves in the office, power moves in the workplace, work power moves, workplace power moves [Image: lucio founder of the power moves] About the Author: Lucio Buffalmano Lucio is a social scientist, member of APA and a perpetual researcher of human nature. He teaches power dynamics because he believes that to be good, you first need to learn how to be bad. ThePowerMoves.com is where this new breed of leaders come to train. Power University About Contact T&Cs Privacy Refund Policy Copyright The Power Moves© 2020 · Log in

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Verbal Dominance: 10 Ways to Speak With Confidence February 16, 2019 By Lucio Buffalmano Whether you want to be dominant in conversations, or simply learn to speak with more confidence, there is good news: You can learn that. This article will show you to speak with confidence and power. Contents #1. Lead The Conversation 1.2. Dictate the Tempo 1.2. Impose The Frame 1.3. Ask The Questions 1.4. Correct People’s Mistakes 1.5. Contradict People When You Disagree 1.5. Sum Up the Conversation #2. Be Assertive 2.1. Make Sure They Got Your Point 2.2. Expect a Reply 2.3. Repeat the Message Until It’s Accepted #3. Be Aggressive (when needed) 3.1. Speak Over Others 3.2. Cut People Off 3.3. Push Others on The Defensive 3.4. Ignore What Others Say 3.5. Criticize & Judge Others Harshly 3.6. Make’Em Squeak With Social Pressure #4. Never Submit 4.1. Answer With What You Want to Answer 4.2. Don’t Follow Their Lead (Pressuposition Answering) 4.2. Block All Attempts at Soft Power #5. Use Fewer Words 5.1. Use Pregnant Pauses 5.2. Wield Social Pressure With Silences Use Dominant Expressions Learn More #1. Lead The Conversation How to lead a conversation? Well, there are a few key variables to control a conversation, and dominant individuals heavily influence all of them: Tempo Tone (happy, sad, serious etc.)

Subject (what to talk about) Who speaks (who speaks and for how long) Keep in mind these dynamics don’t always apply to all groups. In group conversations the dynamics might change. You can sometimes have jesters and loudmouths who clamor for people’s attention. And in those cases, the socially powerful man might simply call himself out of the conversation. Or he might focus on one or two persons and start a side conversation with them. 1.2. Dictate the Tempo Dominant individuals want to be on top of the important things. They don’t delegate the important stuff: they want to be sure they understand it, so they can make decisions. So they control the speed of the interaction to make sure that they both understand the topic, and that they don’t waste their valuable time. The most obvious examples of managing the tempo are from interviewers, who need to manage the tempo to keep the conversation engaging (the interviewer there goes overboard as he does it 3 times in 20 seconds with Nassim Taleb, but exaggerated examples can be good to learn the concept). If it’s a group, socially powerful, and socially intelligent leaders make sure everyone is on the same page, everyone is participating and everyone is enjoying the conversation. If there is someone who is hogging the conversation and boring the group, they will intervene to cut the attention whore short (for a few examples see “group conversation“). Other expressions of controlling the tempo even more directly include: Socially Powerful: Go ahead Socially Powerful: Wait a second Socially Powerful: Let’s hear Mark here what he thinks Socially Powerful: Slow down, you’re going too quick 1.2. Impose The Frame In Power University we explain that some frames are “socially held”. Such as, culture and society frame certain topics in a certain way. And people who adopt those frames have an easier time to dominate the frame and, potentially, shame others. This is the game that SJW and virtual signalers play. They align with the majority, so

they can win and gain status by oppressing the minority of dissenters (see: fighting against moral policing). Dominant men hold the frame of what’s right, what’s fair, and what’s “normal” or not normal to do. And the more power they have as individuals, the more they can go against the grain of social frames, groups and cultural diktats. An example from Horrible Bosses: Drinking at 8:15 in the morning is not normal, but his rank and social power manage to impose on the more submissive man his new normality. Kevin Spacey in the above example has so much power in that environment, and he maintains his frame so strongly, that he can “buck the frame”. This is something you want to keep in mind if you live a life that goes against what’s considered “normal”. 1.3. Ask The Questions A question I am often asked is: is it more dominant to ask questions? Well, it depends on the circumstances. But, in general, it’s more powerful to ask questions and have others reply. When the conversation is 1:1, more often then not, the dominant person is the one who makes questions and asks for clarifications. Dominant individuals ask the questions, and the submissive individuals reply. When the domination/submission dynamic is very pronounced the submissive party will also be nervous while providing the answers. This dynamic is replicated in seduction as well. Here is an example from The Saint: Also see: Dominance in seduction Leadership in seduction When dominant individuals answer questions, they take more freedom instead. They choose whether to answer the question, or whether to change the social dynamics as they see fit (see “frame control techniques“). Their answers are less about answering questions and more about what they choose to talk about. 1.4. Correct People’s Mistakes Corrections are a form of attack on authority, which makes it a potential power move. Corrections increase the authority and credibility of the person making the correction while decreasing the authority of the individual being corrected.

That’s why submissive people often avoid correcting others: they are afraid of taking a strong social stand. Dating Power Move Correcting people is also a sign of intellectual dominance that can be used very effectively in dating. See Power University for an example. 1.5. Contradict People When You Disagree Similar to correcting, but packing an even bigger punch, is to contradict people by saying the exact opposite of what they just said. Here is an example from Meet the Parents: Real Life Check: Don’t use this one too much. Yes it’s dominant and socially powerful, but it’s also a huge rapport breaker and it’s the most socially unaware people who contradict others. The more socially smart individuals say “yes” and then redirect the conversation towards the right answer. 1.5. Sum Up the Conversation A dead giveaway of who’s the leader in a conversation is who sums up the discussion. Whenever you want to take a step forward and advance your leadership, always sum up what’s been said and people will look at you like you’re the de-facto leader. #2. Be Assertive Socially powerful individuals expect to be heard. And they expect that their rights to speak will be upheld while they also make sure they can understand what you are saying -if they want to-. They are also not easy to hush and they won’t buckle down if you pressure them. 2.1. Make Sure They Got Your Point Dominant individuals will make sure their subordinates understand. They will ask “did you get it?” or “everything clear?”. In the most extreme situations, they will tell them to repeat. As in this example from Pulp Fiction: 2.2. Expect a Reply Sometimes in social exchanges, people will try to avoid answering a question.

Dominant men will make it clear when they don’t appreciate it, and they might keep questioning with the attitude of the person who expects an answer. That attitude is an example of “dominant frame” by imposing one’s own expectations. A great technique you can use is to simply repeat your question with the tone of the person who expects a reply. See an example from Jackie brown: Jackie: well, thanks, I got one now Him: you went out this morning and bought a gun? Jackie: well, let’s say I got one, OK? Him: (ignores) somebody loaned it to you? (she replies) If at her first refusal to answer he had laughed uncomfortably, he would have admitted she’s the dominant one. Instead, he keeps inquiring as if the were the most normal thing in the world. Very powerful. 2.3. Repeat the Message Until It’s Accepted Theresa May doing something similar to the video example above. Just instead of questions, we are now talking about uses statements. Imagine you are delivering a speech and the crowd gets too noisy. If you stop your speech, you lose power. Why? because you communicate that their noises are as important as your speech, and that your power as the speaker, and your right to speak, is in question. Look How May handles it instead. By repeating her statement, she communicates something like this: “you can laugh as much as you want, but you gotta listen to me because I’m the authority”: “to what’s been said in this chamber and out of it“, as her voice raises on the repetition, she is conveying power and disapproval with her assertive tonality and inflection. Also notice it was very, very good of her not to acknowledge the jeering in any shape or form, not even with her facial expressions. #3. Be Aggressive (when needed) The dark side of dominance is the ability -and willingness- to punish others. 3.1. Speak Over Others Dominant and aggressive individuals will trample your right of speech if you let them to.

If you saw any of Trump’s debates, it’s shocking how many times he blatantly interrupted, spoke over, or simply just robbed opponents of their right to speak. And whenever others fought him, he won almost all the times -if not all the times-. Here is an example with Jeb Bush: Jeb Bush, like pretty much everyone else, was simply unprepared to deal with Trump at his level of dominance, aggression, and Machiavellianism. He makes a litany of mistakes. Not only he allows Trump to win, but he turns towards him with a smile, communicating that Trump is the real leader of the pack. Trump caps it all off telling him “go ahead”, and Bush starts speaking on cue like a puppet on a string. 3.2. Cut People Off Similar to speaking over people, but even more powerful as the submissive party simply accepts it, thus confirming that he is the real authority. In this scene from Platoon: Real Life Check: As a general rule, void both 3.1 and 3.2. unless you have been aggressed first. 3.3. Push Others on The Defensive This is one of the critical dimensions for learning and understanding the basics of frame control. Whenever there is an argument, look at who’s attacking and who’s defending. The person attacking is the dominant one, and the one defending is the submissive one. This is an example with a shame attack: The interviewer is being dominant by not accepting any of Julien’s rebuttals and pushing Julien to defend only. Julien would like to counteract but ends up only defending without really ever making his point (he is also nervous, understandably).

Beating Shame Attacks: Don’t just defend. Instead, either defend and counterattack, a typical politician’s approach to debating, or attack back right away by reframing the topic or refusing their frame. We will see examples going forward. 3.4. Ignore What Others Say Ignoring is a way of showing dominance through (slight) disrespect.

You will see most often when submissive individuals make a mistake or get into a topic that the leader doesn’t like. An example from Beautiful Girls: By starting with “so what do you do” Matt Dillon ignores the previous topic and gives the impression he is starting the conversation from scratch. But since the red-headed had already started the conversation, Dillon is lowering his status and showing himself as the dominant man of the group. Real Life Check: This is very useful Knowing when to ignore people and remarks is a skill you must develop. It’s powerful and high quality while at the same time avoiding escalations and unneeded time-wasting. 3.5. Criticize & Judge Others Harshly Judgmental aggression mixes aggression with judge powers. Example from Trump: That’s dark power, but it’s high octane power nonetheless. Look at it very well. The pauses, the power and anger in his voice, the hand gestures and, in the end, his judgmental head shaking. He looks authoritative, strong and, given his conviction, even right. People tend to side with authority and power. Many people who have no idea of what happened will laugh and side with Trump. Good or bad, that’s the world we live in. Note: Trump’s little mistake When he says “I watch you a lot”, that’s where he lost power though. Why? By now you can start guessing why: it’s because he shows a lot of investment in them. He spends lots of effort to keep up with them. He is basically admitting that they are a high priority for him (and they get under his skin). 3.6. Make’Em Squeak With Social Pressure Social pressure is not necessarily rude or intimidatory. However, it does leverage a certain fear or at least some discomfort from the submissive party. An example from Meet The Parents, a great movie to learn power dynamics: De Niro’s questions are strong and direct. Stiller makes a joke to relieve some pressure but instead of accepting the release of pressure -a friendly move- De Niro keeps piling pressure on, culminating with “but you didn’t pick it”. Now if Stiller wanted to be equally dominant, here is how he could have done it: De Niro: They say geniuses pick green…. But you didn’t pick it Stiller: “They” say it? Who says it

Here he would be questioning his authority and forcing him to explain. Then he could have delivered his dominant coup de grace by taking the judging position and ending with “hmmm I’m not convinced. Anyway… “. If he wanted to be even more direct and aggressive: De Niro: They say geniuses pick green…. But you didn’t pick it Stiller: Not really, I’ve heard boring people pick green And this is a powerful yet polite way of handling it: De Niro: They say geniuses pick green…. But you didn’t pick it Stiller: I don’t know about that Jack. It’s just a nice color as far as I’m concerned. And it fits well with your lovely garden too (smiles ). Shall we go in now guys #4. Never Submit Dominant men avoid expressions of submission. Makes sense, no? They avoid submitting to other people’s tempo. They avoid defending themselves, they reject contradiction and corrections, and, finally, they approach questions differently than non-dominant men. 4.1. Answer With What You Want to Answer Remember that answering questions put you in the submissive position? Well, here is how dominant men avoid to fully commit to answering questions: 1. Don’t answer with everything there is to say 2. Say something, then ask a question back 3. Only address a bit of the question, then talk about what inspires you Here is an example from the intellectually dominant Aleksandr in Sex and The City: If she wanted to be less submissive, she could have insisted in a socially smart way. For example: “very nice, I liked that. But you must remember something more.. how did you feel there, was it a good time?“ Also observe Aleksandr for the whole scene, very socially powerful with his facial expression and social-pressure inducing silences (albeit he is a bit emotionally distant). Aleksandr comes across as socially powerful and intellectually dominant (which is even more important for an older man, who is expected to be intellectually dominant) 4.2. Don’t Follow Their Lead (Pressuposition Answering) This is very socially smart and shows high-level social skills. It consists of answering in a way which presupposes yes or no instead of saying yes or no.

Here is a great example from Jackie Brown: Saying “no” would have followed her lead while decreasing his value -admitting of not being a well traveled man- and would have put an end to the conversation. The way he answers instead presupposes the “no”, but presents himself a strong independent man who doesn’t follow her lead. Plus it allows the conversation to continue. (too bad for the ending). Here is another example from the Hedge of Tomorrow: Notice the general does not reply with “yes”. Replying with “yes” would have elevated Cruise’s question to a level where it “deserves” to be properly addressed. That would entail a respectful conversation of two people who are nearly at the same level. Instead, he raises his voice and makes his point, which shows a slight disdain for Cruise’s question and communicates that he is not up for a conversation between equals. 4.2. Block All Attempts at Soft Power Social power often requires you to “see” the social dynamics and avoiding people to take a soft power position over you. This is exactly where this website will help. Here are two ways to avoid people from pushing you on the defensive with the judge role: #5. Use Fewer Words Remember the law of social effort? It applies to verbal production as well, of course. Socially powerful men, on average, speak less. And when they speak, they say something important that people will listen to. 5.1. Use Pregnant Pauses Fearful people speak quickly. As if they cannot stand being at the center of attention. Speaking quickly also signals they’re afraid someone will steal their speaking time. Powerful people instead speak slowly and use lots of pauses. Olivia Cabane in The Carisma Myth recommends people who want to look powerful and charismatic to wait 2 seconds before replying. Here is possibly the most famous example of pregnant pauses:

5.2. Wield Social Pressure With Silences One of the most powerful ways of exerting dominance is by actually removing words in a way that puts social pressure on people. Di Caprio does it in this scene from Wolf of Wall Street. He puts pressure on the banker to answer his question and gets down to business through pure silence. However, my by far favorite example of the power of silence is in Casino. Both of these are examples convey final authority without words. Use Dominant Expressions Here are more expressions of social power. For brevity I only list the words, for examples and ways to deal with them, check Power University: (Yo) listen (to me) I didn’t understand anything, tell me again What did you just say That’s right No! It’s not like that at all… Wrong! And you think there is nothing wrong with that? “Alright?“ (as if to say “did you get it?” or “done, now we move on”) No, answer my question Sorry, I don’t wanna hear about it right now Tell me something more interesting Shut up! Silence! Quiet! Facts and numbers say it The last one is important. In debates, rationality and science convey power and authority and are often what makes the difference between losing or winning a debate. Trump lost two exchanges in a row because the journalists managed to take the rational high ground on him: Learn More Dominant body language Submissive body language Submissive expressions you must avoid This is an excerpt from Power University. Related

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52 Filed Under: Social Power Moves Tagged With: how powerful men speak, how to be socially powerful, how to convey power, how to look socially powerful, how to speak powerfully, social power language, socially powerful words [Image: lucio founder of the power moves] About the Author: Lucio Buffalmano Lucio is a social scientist, member of APA and a perpetual researcher of human nature. He teaches power dynamics because he believes that to be good, you first need to learn how to be bad. ThePowerMoves.com is where this new breed of leaders come to train. Power University About Contact T&Cs Privacy Refund Policy Copyright The Power Moves© 2020 · Log in

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You've been randomly selected to try out the new Textise Preview version. Opt in to use this every time. The Preview version features faster loading times and other upcoming improvements. During this extremely difficult time, we at Textise urge everyone to stay safe and adhere to your government's regulations concerning the pandemic. You can get the latest information about the Novel Coronavirus at the World Health Organisation (WHO) site (text-only view). This page has been Textised with the Preview version! The original page address was https://thepowermoves.com/make-him-crazy-aboutyou/ For sharing use ... Here are some options: Back to original page (in this window | in a new window) Convert this page to a PDF Print this page Textise Home Page (full version | text only version) Textise Options Page (choose font size, font colour, etc.) Are you a webmaster? Find out how to easily add Textise to your web site. Skip to main content Underpriced's offer is ending. Price jumps in 12 hours. Enroll before it's too late. The Power Moves Power dynamics, life strategies, and owning your life. Start Here Power Definitions Blog Social Power Dynamics Career Strategies Dating For Women Dating For Men Relationships Resources Speed Learning Power University Seduction University Forum

Join In! How to Mind Fuck a Guy: 12 Techniques (With Examples) March 7, 2018 By Lucio Buffalmano How to make him crazy about you? Or, how it’s more hip to ask these days: how to mind fuck a guy? I’m glad you asked. This post delves deep into the psychological meanders of the male mind to give you all the tricks in the book to make men obsessed with you. Warning: this post contains a lot of mind games and mind fuck techniques. [Image: woman controls a man by his tie] Let’s start: Contents #1. The Dionysiac Mind-Fuck Example #2. Madonna-Whore Seduction Example How To Pull It Off #3. Push-Pull Seduction Example How To #4. Mixed Signals Seduction #5. Regression Seduction Example Example 2: How To Best With #6. Inverse Regression Seduction Example Best For: Reversal: #7. Guilt-Trip Example How To: #8. Dangerous Woman Seduction Example: #9. Sex and Violence Seduction Example How To #10. Private Area Pokes

Example: How To #11. Sex-Talk Seduction Example: #12. Sexual Bursts Seduction Example: How To Bonuses Summary #1. The Dionysiac Mind-Fuck There’s much external pressure on men to appear rational and in control more times than they’d want to. That’s why irrationality and a touch of madness can be so appealing to the unconscious. And a woman who can muster irrational abandon and Dionysiac sexuality will exert and irresistible pull on him (this is one of the reasons men are attracted to the woman dancing the craziest possible way in the club). Example Look at this example from “Dating In The Dark”. She uses a dionysiac spirit of irrationality to make him want to possess her. Notice his reaction, when he says: Mindfucked guy: In a weird way I’d still like to see Ilona And then he ends with “damn”. He’s been taken for a ride. And he just experienced the power of irrationality: In this example, she makes him want to fuck her, but she also ends up looking like a low-quality girl. But madness is not synonymous with stupid and you can do the same without looking stupid. See the example from Aida Yespica in: 3 styles to seduce a Man #2. Madonna-Whore Seduction Carnal desire and a powerful sexual chemistry validate men and enslave their minds.

But there is a danger: you might appear too “easy” if it’s too soon (see: Madonna-Whore Dichotomy). What’s the solution, then?

As Peter Diamandis says, when you’re faced with a tough choice: take both. You will resist him AND show an overpowering sexual lust: the best of both worlds. Example This is a quick story of a woman (unconsciously) using the madonna-whore seduction on me: She wasn’t having any. So I decided to stop charging and let her do some touching. I took her hand and started running it across my body. My abs, then down on my upper leg and thigh. Then slowly back up again. Finally, I slide her hand across my crotch and erected co*k. And then back up again. On the next pass, I let her linger a bit more on my crotch. Then lower down again. Eventually, I let her slip under the underwear’s elastic band. But just a dip. A few more motions and then I finally let her lace her fingers around my co*k. And that’s when she jumped on me, panting heavy and her tongue swirling in my mouth. She was showing me all the signs of pure sexual abandon. I’m thinking this is it and we’re ready for the final move: I pushed her on her back, ready to rail her. But she snaps back to rational, again resisting me. Have you figured out which part is the madonna/whore seduction? Of course her panting and horny is the whore, while resisting again in spite of her dripping sexuality is the Madonna part. The succession of unbridled lust and rational resistance lasted for a while. I’m not a fan of women resisting for long, but of all the resistances I’ve encountered… That was the best lead up to sex I have ever had. I sometimes still think about it… How To Pull It Off Show powerful sexual attraction while you also fight off the urge. Let him come to you Abandon yourself in the heat of the moment Suddenly “wake up”: it’s not easy but you’re forcing yourself to stop Rinse and repeat

For more techniques on delaying sex also read: how to turn down sex. And here is a short video example from the movie “Seduce and Abandoned”: #3. Push-Pull Seduction Lust and emotional dependency thrive on mixed feelings. Anger and lust, passion and fear, warmth and coldness. And, most of all, physical heat and emotional distance. The key is to alternate them. Give positive feelings, then take it away. Then have lustful sex. Then rinse and repeat. A mix of strong and positive emotions alternating with negative ones rarely fails to make men lust and obsess over you. Example My date was late and, slightly annoyed, I used that time to shop for groceries. When I came out, there she stood: a perfect candid baby face with a striped suit (mixed signal). She didn’t apologize and was cold and distant when I hugged her. That annoyed me once again. I asked her to help me carry the grocery. And she refused. My patience was running out. I was teetering between telling her to get the fuc* off back home and take her back, rail her, and then dish the same shit*y treatment back. Of course I decided for the latter. We walked without exchanging a single word for a couple of minutes, and then she went from cold to teasing. She made fun of sulking me. She told me I should call her “miss no” and teased me if other women do the same (she sets herself up as “different” and “superior”). Then she finally swung the opposite direction. She apologized, took more than half the grocery and lightly hit me with her leg as if to say “wise up, I was just fu*king with you”. I was already horny, but with that turnaround, damn! I wonder how did I resist from bending her over and possessing her in the street. How To

Make him feel like the best man in the world, make him feel like he can make you so happy and satisfied. Then take it all away and keep him guessing. Make them angry Be cold and distant Have great sex (remember: you’re sexually attracted to him) Be warm and make them happy (they’ll think they have you) Rinse and repeat #4. Mixed Signals Seduction Similar as above. Push and pull is a typical form of mixed signal and the most famous example, but there’s more you can use: Angelic face (paternalistic instincts) + naughty undertones White dress & blonde hair (purity)+ revealing clothes Baby face (naivety) + suit (seriousness) Striped suit, back from office (power) + submissively asking him to rail you [Image: madonna whore seduction] The Madonna-whore sexual seduction also leverages push-pull and mixed signals#5. Regression Seduction

Nobody really ever leaves his mother Here’s a sum of Western women’s dating strategy: 1. Show no emotions 2. Pretend you’re not into him 3. Make him chase and invest While that definitely can work (albeit often with the wrong guys!), the opposite strategy can work even better. And the opposite is what Robert Greene dubs “regression seduction” in his seminal The Art of Seduction. Greene says that the most powerful Regression, the Infantile Regression, is all about unconditional love. Example An ex-girlfriend of mine was a natural when it came to oedipal regression strategy. This was what my ex did: Healing Kiss

I woke up one morning with little sleep and dark circles around my eyes. She leaned in and kissed the area under my eyes That was unexpected. I fumbled a “thanks” and a smile. I couldn’t even remember my mother having done that, and I was smitten by her display of caring. Sleeping Kiss During sleep I realized that before going to the bathroom she kissed me on the temple Tucking In When I’d join her in bed, she would raise the cover to help me in On a night flight, I fell asleep and woke up with the sleeping cover snugly arranged on me (she did that for me) You will realize that the above are caring signals the way a mom would care about a baby. How did that affect me? It’s easy to tell sex stories, but it’s less easy to be open with emotional ones. But the truth is that I still feel emotionally connected to my ex. I think of her as “my baby”, but probably the opposite would be more correct. And if I have to think of an ex girlfriend with whom to cuddle, it would be her. Example 2: It also works the other way around, with women wanting to baby a grown man. Watch this interview with a former girlfriend of Charlie Sheen. Listen well to what she says: She will always love him because she sees little Charlie in need of protection. How To You can use this one when you want a strong long lasting relationship. For the specific moves, you can copy the above examples and add some of these: Caressing Remove lints, fixing his clothes Show unconditional love when he makes a mistake Best With It works with everyone.

And it’s especially useful if you want to hook great, wealthy but rascal playboys. They will use and forget all other women, but they’ll always come back to you. #6. Inverse Regression Seduction This is the inverse regression. Here you regress to childlike behavior. In the presence of youth, men feel like their own youth is coming back. They get to feel like father and take care of you, but with the addendum of the sexual side. Mixing sex and innocence is exactly what made Marilyn Monroe so appealing. Example As you can imagine the movie Lolita has tons of great examples. Only issue is, she is a kid. This is an example with a mature woman instead. Notice the man is also partially regressing, but he’s the aggressor: He is the father figure, while she gets to play the baby How To: Play naive, lost… In need of protection and guidance Laugh out loud and with gusto: you haven’t experienced the darker side of life yet Feel free to be awkward: you haven’t yet internalized society’s rules of “proper” behavior Emphasize weaknesses and vulnerabilities The rules bend with inverse regression.

Don’t worry about entitlement mentality or asking too much: children are egocentric and believe the world revolves around them. And he will act accordingly and do everything for you (OK, now I link to Lolita). Best For: This is perfect to get a sugar daddies to pamper and spoil you. Reversal: Almost every guy will enjoy a bit of childlike spirit, but don’t overdo it. Men with no pedophile tendencies can be put off (I had to tell a girl playing baby with her Tweety underwear not to wear them anymore). And remember, it’s lightheartedness with sex undertones, not full-on baby. The first part here is good, the last one is too much:

Too much baby games can be off-putting to some men #7. Guilt-Trip How to make him crazy about you isn’t necessarily directly related to attraction, sex and seduction. If you can instill a major sense of guilt in his conscience, that will also push him to you. Out of guilt, yes, but that doesn’t necessarily need to replace love or sexual attraction, but can be on top of them. Example There are many sexual moments I’d like to relive in my life. Some of them, because they were great. Some others, because I didn’t have her and thought I should have had her. But if I could go back in time one time, and one time only, that would be to change things with the woman who told me: Ex-fling: I wish I had never done it with you. Something changed the day she uttered those words. I could no longer look at myself and say I’m a giver. In a way, those words stole my innocence and burned a little hole in my conscience. And even to this day, after she forgave me, I still feel I need to make it up to her. How To: Let him feel he pushed too hard for sex Tell him you feel so hurt Let him know you’re devastated after he cheated The Cheating Guilt Trip Steve Harvey in Act Like a Lady Think Like a Man says that men who cheated often go back to being perfect husbands. That’s true, but it only happens when she denies him first, lets him see what he’s missing… And makes him feel guilty about it. Reversal: It will not work with narcissists and sociopaths. Some of them will even see it as a badge of their deceptive skills. #8. Dangerous Woman Seduction Danger mixes well with madness and irrationality, and takes it a step further.

Danger is exciting, that’s one of the reasons why heart-breaking players appeal to women and why James Bond is so alluring. And, if present, it also plays into possible latent masochistic tendencies. Example: We were pillow talking and she was prodding about me and my life -funny how some women remember to do that after, BTW-. I love after sex conversation. You can drop the masks and really be yourself. But back then “myself” was a bit of a childish tw*t. So when it came to love and past relationships I delivered my line which I thought was cool as hell: Me: “just don’t fall in love with me“ With a serious and stern tone she said: Her: “No, I will fall in love with you and then I will kill you“ I laughed at the beginning thinking how that was the best comeback I had ever heard. But I also realized later I was perversely more attracted to her.

[Image: dangerous woman seduction] The “Dangerous Woman Seduction” is also one of the driving seduction forces of the movie “Basic Instinct”, where in the final sex scene he suspects and fears for his life.

#9. Sex and Violence Seduction Let’s start with the due disclaimers: violence sucks. Emotional abuse sucks. And latent aggression, based on the need to be superior to one’s partner, makes for terrible relationships and has no seductive appeal whatsoever (check combative relationships for examples). However, that being said, aggression, violence and attraction can powerfully overlap. Physical domination appeals to women more than most people would care to admit. For many women, rape-like sex is a fantasy. And, sometimes, more than a fantasy. Relationship researcher John Gottman, in The Science of Trust reveals he was shocked to meet woman after woman confessing that their best sex was right after a beating. Men have it too. Domination impinges on males’ masochistic tendencies. And many say that the most powerful men have it more often and more strongly.

I wouldn’t recommend going to extremes. There are no statistics, but I suspect masochists are not a majority -and it’s probably not the relationship you wanna have-. Yet, in milder forms, it will get most guys very into you. Example Having sex during a fight, or when it seems you two are on the verge of splitting, is extremely seductive. And so is a mix of sex and aggression. Do you think this scene is sexy or not: Notice again the mix of emotions: hate, carnal passion and love. P.S.: unluckily my own upload with the full sex scene has been flagged (damn you prudes! :), so you get the PG-13 version here. How To To stay in the safe zone, you can do the following: Show him some bite and resistance, let him “earn you” in bed with some domination Pillow fights Play wrestling #10. Private Area Pokes This is a big weapon in the arsenal of the teasing seduction styles (see: seduction styles). The below the belt touches are a form of waving a red flag in front of him. It’s like saying Teasing Seductress: I might be into you… Are you gonna be man enough to come get me? And rest assured he will want to fuck you and obsess over you the whole night (or life) long. A similar and equally effective technique is “accidentally” rubbing the pelvis or chest against him, which were rated as the most effective technique to turn him on by David Buss’ research (Buss, 2003). Example: See an example from this real-life documentary: If you want to fuck him, this move will mindfuck him to want to fuck you If you want to be more provocative and you’re in private, you can have grab/poke or touch his private parts.

Just remember: don’t be too direct or thirsty, this is not you who wants him: this is you making him want you. How To Touch his upper leg when seating Rest your hand on his inner thigh for a split of a second Touch the side of his leg while waking Joking “hit him” below the belt (not necessarily crotch, side of the leg is also fine) #11. Sex-Talk Seduction Actions speak louder than words. But that doesn’t mean that words can’t have their place in making him crazy about you. Indeed sexually-laden talk is a great, great way to arouse someone. It’s also a game men use with women, and it works even better from women to men. As we’ve seen in the text flirting guide, it’s best when implied, understated and hinted. Direct can also work, but be aware it’s at a higher danger of slotting you into the short term type of gal. Example: The best way to do it is to pass obvious hints at sex, but without using curse words. That way, you make him want to fuck while still coming across as a high quality woman. Notice that when she implies he will masturbate she is also implying he’s attracted to her. Check this forum entry for a couple more ideas on talking about sex without using curse words. #12. Sexual Bursts Seduction Uncover your wild side… Then take it away. Quick bursts of whirlwind sexual passion will leave him speechless. Actually, better than speechless: it will leave him dazed and confused, horny and excited. And that’s when brain neurological patterns are more easily shaped: you’re literally branding him. Obsession guaranteed. Example:

Watch Summer’s perfect execution: How To Catch him where sex is not to be expected. Then turn him on: Stroke his package beside a clerk’s counter A footsie under the table meeting the parents Throw yourself at him in a fitting room Bonuses [Image: woman in lingerie on top of a man] Some men will love a woman taking charge. The most dominant men might not appreciate it much, though -especially if it’s the first timeThere are a few more techniques to make him obsess about you and want to fuck you. I dedicate less space to them as they are either less effective, more destructive, or more tailed to certain types of men. They include: Refuse him (many men have an inborn stalker within them only waiting to be awaken) Make him feel he’s close to sex, but never deliver it (some gold diggers can effectively use this one) Break up with him (some men only realize what they miss when they don’t have it anymore) Take charge of the seduction (I never liked it when women did it to me because I’m one of those guys who like to take charge. But some men will love it) Triangulation and jealousy games Here is a triangulation example a woman played with me: [Image: triangulation game example] Triangulation makes him defensive and protective However, the above techniques are nasty and high quality men will not stick around when you play them. That’s why I don’t recommend them. Summary As strange as it might sound, to make a man sexually addicted to you, sex is just a tiny part. Sex feels similar to most men, and orgasms are always the same, whether she stands there like a log, or if she’s got the best twerking game in the world.

It’s what around the sexual act that makes men addicted to you sexually. And this article showed reliable techniques to get him hooked. Related

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Filed Under: Dating For Her, Social Power Moves Tagged With: how do i make him crazy about me, how to get a guy to fuck you, how to make him crazy for me, how to make him go crazy in bed, how to make him obsess over you, how to make someone obsessed with you, how to mind fuck a man, how to mind fuck him, make him obsessed with you [Image: lucio founder of the power moves] About the Author: Lucio Buffalmano Lucio is a social scientist, member of APA and a perpetual researcher of human nature. He teaches power dynamics because he believes that to be good, you first need to learn how to be bad. ThePowerMoves.com is where this new breed of leaders come to train. Power University About Contact T&Cs Privacy Refund Policy Copyright The Power Moves© 2020 · Log in

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You've been randomly selected to try out the new Textise Preview version. Opt in to use this every time. The Preview version features faster loading times and other upcoming improvements. During this extremely difficult time, we at Textise urge everyone to stay safe and adhere to your government's regulations concerning the pandemic. You can get the latest information about the Novel Coronavirus at the World Health Organisation (WHO) site (text-only view). This page has been Textised with the Preview version! The original page address was https://thepowermoves.com/how-to-win-atoastmasters-speech-contest/ For sharing use ... Here are some options: Back to original page (in this window | in a new window) Convert this page to a PDF Print this page Textise Home Page (full version | text only version) Textise Options Page (choose font size, font colour, etc.) Are you a webmaster? Find out how to easily add Textise to your web site. Skip to main content Underpriced's offer is ending. Price jumps in 12 hours. Enroll before it's too late. The Power Moves Power dynamics, life strategies, and owning your life. Start Here Power Definitions Blog Social Power Dynamics Career Strategies Dating For Women Dating For Men Relationships Resources Speed Learning Power University Seduction University Forum

Join In! How to Win A Toastmasters Speech Contest May 17, 2019 By Lucio Buffalmano Are you interested in competing and winning a Toastmasters speech contest? You have come to the right place. But be warned: this is a different guide. It’s a guide grounded in the realpolitik of life, including power dynamics, human psychology, as well as some Machiavellian games and some social manipulation (but ultimately, win-win manipulation). [Image: lucio buffalmano awards] In all evaluation contests I have competed at, I only have finished either 2nd, or 1st Contents #1. Train At Club Level To Get A Feel For Time #2. Make Friends With The DTMs #3. Flirt With The DTMs in Your Area #4. Make DTMs Your Mentors: Ask For Recommendations #5. Visit Other Clubs: That’s Where Your Judges Come From #6. Travel With The Judges #7. On Contest Day: Network With Potential Judges You Don’t Yet Know #8. Pick Low-Competition Markets #9. Take Friends With You: The Stooge Effect Why World Championship Is Waste of Time My Toastmasters Background SUMMARY #1. Train At Club Level To Get A Feel For Time Evaluations are usually the role where people go the most often over time. In many clubs, mine included, people don’t even try to stay within the time. I personally never try to stay within the allotted time because I couldn’t care less. My focus is giving value, not nailing the time or “staying within the rules”. However, that always puts me at a great disadvantage when it comes to competitions because I haven’t developed a good feel for the time. I never know how many of my observations I can safely deliver and as I speak I need to double-check the time every so often, which is distracting. When it gets red and I then rush to finish and my evaluations end abruptly. That’s why if you care about winning a speech evaluation contest, you should get used at a club level to staying within the time limit.

#2. Make Friends With The DTMs Here is the biggest “secret” to coddling with the judges: it’s always the same people who are judges. And of course, the DTMs are the people who most often end up being judges. Make friends with them, and you’ll have friendly judges for as long as you want to compete. DTM Profiling WARNING: Skip this section if you’re a feminist, male feminist, or virtue signaler DTMs are more often women than men. They either don’t have a job, have an easy one, or are retired. If they do have a job, it’s either part-time, or not too demanding (and that’s why they got time to dedicate to TM). Some of them are attracted to Toastmasters because it gives them the chance of climbing the hierarchies that they never managed to climb in actual business. Sometimes they are strong women, even domineering. They enjoy the hierarchical organization and the “power” that comes from their experience and from judging others (so first hint: make them feel good about their TM accomplishments). They tend to be very conscientious -otherwise, they wouldn’t have stuck so long with Toastmaster-. And with high doses of conscientiousness often come an eagerness to obey the rules. So don’t to be too rebellious or “too different”: show that you respect the norms. Finally, some of them are after status and recognition. They shoot for DTM because they crave status and respect. These women often wear armor and present an aggressive facade that keeps most people at bay. You must learn to see behind the appearances because once you get past the armor, they’ll love you for it. Befriending DTMs So if you’re not sure where to start from, always make good friends with the DTMs (they always have a pin and the older DTMs have a golden plaque). Here is what you can do to be friendly: Talk to them face to face Always go to say hi first when they enter your club Make them feel important Add them on Facebook / Linkedin Like their status updates (yes, this is super important)

No Friendly Judges, No Trophies How important is it being friends with the judges? It’s crucial. Either almost as important as your performance or equally important. I know a couple of people who are very, very good speakers and are top table topic performers with decades of experience. They are far better at what they do in speeches and tables topic than I am at delivering evaluation speeches. And yet never went past district level in competitions and fail to go past the area level more times than not. I don’t think it’s purely a coincidence that they are not friends with the DTMs who always end up being contest judges. #3. Flirt With The DTMs in Your Area Flirting is the next level of friendship. Avoid too openly sexual flirting, but if you are around the same age and if it’s applicable, do hint at the sexual. This is an art in and on itself and can’t be explained via a short paragraph. But just be aware that “flirting” is not necessarily sexual. As long as you make them laugh by broaching racier subjects that most people wouldn’t dare talk about, you’re golden. Below are some ideas for you. Most people don’t dare to talk about personal life in their first or second conversation. But you’re not most people and you ain’t got time to waste. It’s personal life that makes people feel bonded, so go there as soon as it’s safe. And then use that information to get closer: You: Whaaat, your children are in their 20’s? You’re so young yourself! Use small daily occasions to build them up and make them feel important: Them: Can I sit here? You: As if you had to ask, everyone here wants to sit next to you, you’re a legend! Build them up via third parties, this is all done in jesting and good fun. You make them feel great while also making everyone laugh. Very socially powerful and leader-like as well:

Random Pawn: DTM Marta here is my mentor You: Wow, congratulations, now tell me, what does one have to do get a legend like Marta as your mentor, are there some secret steps to follow? If some of these might seem “over the top” to you it means you’re not yet as socially skilled as you could be. If you execute anything similar to the above well and naturally they will take a huge liking on you. #4. Make DTMs Your Mentors: Ask For Recommendations Most guides tell you to ask for recommendations because it makes people feel good. That much is true. But in this case, it’s actually dangerous. The more you ask for recommendations and the more you act like you are taking it all in, the more power you give them… and the more of a beginner you look. And judges don’t elect beginners as the winners. So you must watch out for what you ask for and how you position yourself. Making them feel good, yes. Looking like a total beginner, no. I recommend you ask questions, but more like an equal who respects their great knowledge and experience. It’s also great if you can ask something that they will see you follow up on. Here is an example: You: do you think it’s better to go on stage with the badge on or without? Of course, it’s better to go on stage without the badge, you know that already. But by asking you can make it look like you’re later going to follow their suggestion. And when they see you on stage they will think “my boy is following my recommendation”. They will feel like your win is also their win. And they’ll rate you higher. #5. Visit Other Clubs: That’s Where Your Judges Come From When you compete you can’t have judges from your own club. Theoretically, you could be despised by your own club members but have very friendly judges. And the opposite is true: everyone could love you in your club but that means nothing when you compete. This why it’s crucial that you visit other clubs. Especially the clubs that DTMs and judges frequent, and mingle mostly with the senior members there. #6. Travel With The Judges

If the competition is outside of your town, don’t be the lone wolf going by himself. Travel with as many Toastmasters you can, but focus specifically on the ones who most often end up being contest judges. And then work them up along the way, offer breakfast, drink with them, listen to their stories and make them feel good. #7. On Contest Day: Network With Potential Judges You Don’t Yet Know The higher you go, the more judges there will be. Remember that by the time you got to the higher level contests, you already should know all the judges from your areas and most DTMs from your district. But of course, you can’t know everyone. So on contest day, you want to increase your odds of adding a few more friendly judges to your squad. Focus on the DTMs and senior Toastmasters you don’t yet know and do this: Go early in the morning (don’t be the guy who gets there late as I did) Attend all contests (don’t be the guy who only attends his contest) Take supporting roles (judge of other contests, ballot counter) Talk to everyone, but prioritize with the DTMs you don’t yet know Congratulate every speaker (even the ones who sucked) Be aware that the judges of one contest are also often judges of other contests, so always take the opportunity to be a judge yourself and make friends with the other judges. Good speakers in a contest are also likely to be judges in another contest, so always make friends with the speakers as well. #8. Pick Low-Competition Markets There are two ways to win: get better yourself or lower the competition. You might think I’m joking, but in many instances, it’s much, much easier and much, much more practical to move to lower competition markets than working on yourself (same for dating, by the way, see: sexual market value hacks). Look at my results for example. I am very good at evaluating (modesty aside: I have never met a better observer, which is why I do what I do on ThePowermoves.com). But I didn’t prepare myself for the contests. And I am not that good at public speaking (I haven’t even delivered 10 speeches so far!). And to win an evaluation speech contest you do need to be a good public speaker. How come then I have been relatively so successful? The main reason for my success is that I competed in easy markets.

What’s an “easier market” in Toastmasters? For example, it’s competing in your mother tongue in areas where Toastmasters is not that popular (TM is most popular in English-speaking countries). Or it’s competing in English in regions where English is not the competitors’ native language. In my case, I competed in English in continental Europe, and that made it much easier for me. On the other hand, I would expect the US to be a highly competitive market for Toastmasters. India is also a highly competitive market as many people there grow up in a culture that glorifies academic achievements. And they carry that hard-working mentality to Toastmasters. #9. Take Friends With You: The Stooge Effect Listen to this one: In my last district contest where I placed second everyone told me I was superb, and the win was going to be between me, and another guy. In the end, I didn’t win. But here is the funny thing: neither did the other guy that everyone tipped off! It might be a coincidence of course, but do you know who won? It’s the guy who had the most friends in the audience who won. He had the most friends from his club who all made a huge ruckus when he went on stage and who all laughed hard when he cracked a joke. And who all applauded and cheered like it was 2019 when he finished (this was a Covid-19 joke :). Having people support you from the audience is huge. It’s so important that in the old days of theater, there was such a thing as “hired clappers“, and performers paid them (and still do) because it works. If you crack a great joke people will laugh anyway. But it’s when your attempt at humor is average, poor or “too difficult for most” that having friends in the audience will make a difference. Their laughter can make the difference in the judges’ minds between a “what was that” and “that was good” (remember that judges also evaluate depending on the audience’s reaction). Why World Championship Is Waste of Time If you have been reading around here you know that I’m all about efficiency and efficient use of time. And in a nutshell, this is what I think about preparing yourself to become a Toastmaster world champion speaker:

Working hard to become a Toastmasters world champion is the equivalent of working hard to win a lottery And if that’s not yet clear, it means that it’s not an efficient use of your time and your resources (As Warren Buffet once said: gambling is a tax on ignorance). Difference between evaluation and speech contests I actually could recommend to prepare yourself well for winning an evaluation speech contest at the district level. So why don’t I recommend the same approach to the international speech contest? Here is why: Large Numbers = Random Results The difference between the speech contest and the evaluation contest is in the word “world”. The evaluation contest ends at the district level while the speech contest keeps going to the world stage. But that also means that there are many more people competing for the world champion. And when we are talking about very large numbers, there is no reliable path that will significantly increase your chances of winning. The keyword is “significantly”. Sure, you can “significantly” increase your skills. And you can increase your personal chances of winning going from, say, 0,1% chance of winning to a 0,2% chance of winning. And that’s a “significant” increase in relative terms: you double your chances of winning. But you are still competing against so many people that you still face a 99.8% chance of losing. Is it worth it to work so hard in a field where no matter what you have 99% chances of losing? I personally don’t think so. No matter how good you are, a speech contest still leaves you with 99+% chances of losing. Compare it to entrepreneurship instead. Working on your business -or in your job- you have a much more direct control over your chances of earning more. Many people can get rich. And one person getting rich does not take away from your chances of getting rich but actually increases them.

Nassim Taleb and Seth Godin say something similar. You’re better off competing in a field that has many winners than in a field where one wins and hundreds lose. It’s irrational to seek victory in a field where one wins and thousands lose

Especially when you consider there are plenty of fields where thousands can win. As a matter of fact, I would say that it’s irrational -and even idiotic- to invest days and days of your time to go after what is, in practice, a lottery ticket. Working on Skills Matters Little Working on your skills will not help much. Most people competing are good, which means that high skills are a minimum requirement, but not a differentiator. Sure, you can get better. And you can get slightly better than the competition. Maybe even slightly better than any other competitor. But that’s still not that helpful and certainly not a guarantee of winning. Just think about it. Even if you reach a level of a 10/10, there will be plenty of people that score between 9 and 10. And skills are only one variable to influence victory. Too many variables are outside your control Here are a few variables that are partially or wholly outside of your control: How well you sleep the night before What the judges subjectively think of your speech How much the judges like the others The skill of all the other competitors Howe well all the other competitors prepare Investing too much of your time in a field where the results are so out of your control might not be the best investment of your time and resources. My Toastmasters Background I have been a Toastmasters now for a little over two years. I wasn’t a good speaker when I started. I’m not that good today either to be honest, speaking is not my strong suit. My specialty is evaluations, and my skills at evaluating derive from the same analytical skills which I use for this website.

I analyze speeches for structure, body language, confidence cues, persuasion techniques, etc. etc. And it’s the high quality of my analyses that make me a very good evaluator. I can often come up with observations that lead people to think: Wow, that’s true! I hadn’t thought about that! And when you can make people think that, you’re on your way to deliver a “wowing” evaluation. [Image: toastmasters international speech contest] My Competitions Results At my first competition ever as a greenhorn, I won the club contest, the area contest and I placed 2nd at Division level. At my second competition ever I reached the international finals of district 95 in Gothenburg, where I placed 2nd (2nd sucks, lemme tell you that :). In every single evaluation competition I competed, I either placed first, or second. And, finally, I probably win the “best evaluator” award around 90% of the times at club level, and mine is quite a competitive club. I say this not to brag, albeit that doesn’t hurt :), but to provide you with the credentials that allow me to write a guide on how to win a Toastmaster speech contest (or evaluation contest). SUMMARY You have just read an advanced guide on how to win a Toastmasters competition. This article focused on a speech evaluation contest, but most of the steps apply to any Toastmasters competition. I don’t think it makes sense to prepare too hard for a Toastmasters speaking contest because the numbers are skewed against you, no matter how good you are. Speeches evaluation contests are better because they require less preparation and they have fewer knock-off rounds on the way to “ultimate champion”. In this article, I showed you the less known “tricks” to win a Toastmaster speaking contest. Related

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Filed Under: Influence & Persuasion Tagged With: advice for toastmasters speech contest, how to prepare for toastmasters speech contest, win toastmasters speech contest, winning a toastmasters speech contest [Image: lucio founder of the power moves] About the Author: Lucio Buffalmano Lucio is a social scientist, member of APA and a perpetual researcher of human nature. He teaches power dynamics because he believes that to be good, you first need to learn how to be bad. ThePowerMoves.com is where this new breed of leaders come to train. Power University About Contact T&Cs Privacy Refund Policy Copyright The Power Moves© 2020 · Log in

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You've been randomly selected to try out the new Textise Preview version. Opt in to use this every time. The Preview version features faster loading times and other upcoming improvements. During this extremely difficult time, we at Textise urge everyone to stay safe and adhere to your government's regulations concerning the pandemic. You can get the latest information about the Novel Coronavirus at the World Health Organisation (WHO) site (text-only view). This page has been Textised with the Preview version! The original page address was https://thepowermoves.com/how-to-be-a-good-manager/ For sharing use ... Here are some options: Back to original page (in this window | in a new window) Convert this page to a PDF Print this page Textise Home Page (full version | text only version) Textise Options Page (choose font size, font colour, etc.) Are you a webmaster? Find out how to easily add Textise to your web site. Skip to main content Underpriced's offer is ending. Price jumps in 12 hours. Enroll before it's too late. The Power Moves Power dynamics, life strategies, and owning your life. Start Here Power Definitions Blog Social Power Dynamics Career Strategies Dating For Women Dating For Men Relationships Resources Speed Learning Power University Seduction University Forum Join In! The Realpolitik Guide to Being a Great Manager July 24, 2019 By Lucio Buffalmano Here you are, searching for how to be a great manager. Maybe you just got promoted? Or maybe you want to get even better. In either case, congratulations to you. This article will help you become a better manager with real-life advice based on both experience and science. [Image: manager training whiteboard] Contents #1. Embody The Company’s Culture #2. Develop A Group Identity: Turn Individuals Into Team Players #3. Learn How to Wield Power #4. Develop Your Personal Power #5. Acknowledge & Foster Value-Based Hierarchies #6. Champion Your Group: They Will Love You For it #7. Set The Example: Be The Manager Everyone Wishes to Be #8. Keep A Healthy Emotional Distance #9. Dispense Emotional Rewards #10. Don’t Shy Away From Occasional Anger

#11. Be Honest: That’s How You Foster Team-Spirit #12. Be Quick to Fire Anti-Social Individuals… #13. … & Be Quick to Fire Your Enemies Beware of The Employees’ Masks Career Strategies SUMMARY

#1. Embody The Company’s Culture This is for your own career: To be a great manager within a certain organization, it’s important you fit that organization’s culture. Managers who fit the culture and buy into the vision are congruent with their words, actions, and body language. And congruence of values, words and body language is exactly what allows you to come across as charismatic, persuasive and powerful (Morgan, 2014) What happens when you don’t fit the culture Think about it: Who stays in a place they don’t like, doing things they don’t believe in? Is it powerful managers, managers with options, and who take charge of their lives? Or is it managers with few options, who don’t respect their time and easily sell out their values? Of course, it’s the latter. The result: managing people in a culture where you can’t be yourself makes you look slimy, powerless and uncharismatic.

And if you decide to be sincere in a culture that you disagree with, one of two things will happen: 1. The employees side with the company and against you 2. The employees side with you and against the company The latter is better for you, but unless you have the power to change the culture and overthrow the current leadership, then it’s best you go your own way.

#2. Develop A Group Identity: Turn Individuals Into Team Players You heard the saying “there are no “Is” in “team”, right? But how do you do that? Well, here is the most important aspect of building teams: you must lead your reports to identify with the team (or company). It’s that sense of belonging, often encapsulated in people defining themselves as team members, which turns individuals into teams. John Turner, the developer of the self-categorization theory explains that when people define themselves as group members, they also start behaving as group members. And it’s that self-definition which leads to team spirit and pro-social behavior such as mutual support and personal initiative to go the extra mile. As a rule of thumb: the more your employees define themselves as part of your team, the prouder they will be for being part of that team. And the prouder they will be, the harder they will work for you and for your team.

#3. Learn How to Wield Power Great managers know how to wield power and influence. This section will quickly review how you can effectively wield power and influence. #3.2. The 6 Forms of Power Let’s start with the classics, shall we. The most influential work when it comes to academic research on power has been that of French and Raven, who identifies six different forms of power. Let’s introduce them through an example: a manager who wants his reports to attend a weekend seminar. That manager can achieve his goal through one of his 6 powers (or a combination of them):

1. Rewards: pay the overtime, assign future high-visibility tasks, etc. 2. Coercion: pass the employee for promotions, “mobbing”, assigning unpleasant tasks, etc. 3. Expertise: reports attend because the manager recommends it, and they trust him because he’s an expert (ie.: he says it, so it must be good) 4. Information: the manager sells the idea well and makes the reports want to attend (this is persuasion) 5. Legitimacy: reports attend because they recognize the manager’s authority over them (this is ranks and titles) . Respect: reports attend because they respect their manager and look up to him (this is a subset of soft power) What type of power managers use depends on context (Bacharach, 1980), personality, company’s culture (Ashforth, 1994) and, of course, who they are dealing with. This is how managers feel they can use one of the six types of power, depending on who they are dealing with (superiors, peers or reports): [Image: managers' ranks of french raven power styles effectiveness at work] Taxonomies of power and the observed capacity to use them on others (based on Kahn’s survey) The managers were correct when it comes to the capacity to use power, and you might want to take note that expertise and persuasion are the true “win-all” when it comes to power. That means expanding your expertise and improving your persuasive communication. Also read: Best persuasion books Best communication books But if you want to be a truly outstanding manager, then we can’t stop here. We need now to discuss the ability to motivate and inspire your reports. #3.3. Increase Your Influence by Appealing to Intrinsic Motivation Reward, coercive, and legitimate power are the easiest to use. Why? Because they come prepackaged with the territory. The moment you got promoted to a managerial position you got the title (legitimate power) and you got the power tools of the trade (rewards and punishments). But managers who stop there don’t get people. And they are poor managers. See an example from Don Draper: If Don Draper had been able to lead through intrinsic motivation, he would have been a more effective manager. Classical research of Lippit & White, reproduced many times over in social science, shows that incentives might lead to compliance, but not to conversion. Meaning: your reports might do it, but they will not believe in it and they will not take ownership of your goal. Furthermore, only relying on rewards and punishment (or “carrots and sticks”) is costly for leaders. Rewards and punishments deplete your resources, and disenfranchised employees require more supervision, which, again, costs time and money. See the first half of the diagram: [Image: leadership with intrinsic motivation and social identity] What’s the alternative? The alternative is intrinsic motivation. Intrinsic motivation includes: Shared group identity with the team (ie.: reports proudly self-categorize as group members) Shared identity with the manager (ie.: “us and the manager both belong to this great group”) Alignment of individuals’ aspirations with team’s goals Uplifting, supportive environment members want to be part of Which one is superior, intrinsic, or extrinsic? So far the accepted consensus in the social sciences is this: As long as you reach a minimum threshold of salary, then intrinsic motivation is more effective than extrinsic motivation That is of course even more obvious in politics and in non-profits, where money plays a smaller role (Tyler & Blader, 2001).

But it’s a huge managerial mistake to think that in for-profit businesses, people are more motivated by money and “what’s in it for me” types of exchanges. Organ and colleagues, for example, show that employees’ willingness to “go the extra mile” hinges on them not asking “what’s in it for me”. And the very best for-profit companies are built around intrinsic motivation. Simon Sinek, for example, makes a compelling case that people dream of working at Apple because Apple speaks to their identity and it helps them define “who they are”. That’s the pinnacle of intrinsic motivation. To you as a manager, it means yes, you must provide a fair salary, but also that you must appeal to higher motivations and ideals.

And don’t think that because you work in a dull industry it can’t be done: any team can foster a prideful sense of belonging. Also read: Drive for more on intrinsic VS extrinsic Power Over VS Power Through

#4. Develop Your Personal Power There is one form of power that we haven’t listed yet: Social power. If you want to be more than a good manager and join the exec cadre, then you need to develop social power. This website is here to support you. But a few tips here: Don’t talk too much Managers who talk too much are perceived as being too friendly and chummy. Friendly and relatable, yes. But too friendly and chummy, no. You can’t be top management material if you’re too close to the bottom layer. Direct meetings, don’t participate During team meetings, focus less on speaking and more on directing the discussion of others, making sure you stay on topic and keep it productive. Help reach decisions, assign tasks and then summarize: that’s how strong managers behave. Don’t over-apologize Some people mistake “owning up to one’s mistake” with “over-apologizing”. Powerful individuals have antifragile egos and are focused on getting things done, not on exculpating themselves. Furthermore, too profuse an apology feels like begging for forgiveness, which is emotionally needy and puts you in a subservient position. Solution? Learn to say “I’m sorry” in a more neutral tone: Skip the pose which might be a bit too cocky and hear the tonality of “I’m sorry”. It’s very neutral, as if to say “I’ve made a mistake there, so what, let’s move on”. Also read: How to look the part of a powerful executive How powerful men speak How powerful men move The archetypes of dominance

#5. Acknowledge & Foster Value-Based Hierarchies All groups have a hierarchy (Peterson, 2018). Leaders who follow our current zeitgeist and pretend hierarchies don’t exist will only look weak and… A bit daft, too. What should you base your hierarchies on? Hierarchies must be based on tangible benefits people bring to the team, including:

Results Effort (ie.: show example of dedication and hard work) Spirit (ie.: upbeat, positive, full team loyalty etc.) Hierarchies function in parallel to actual job titles, since not everyone with the same title (or comparable title) contributes in the same way. Acknowledging and respecting merit-based hierarchies shows that the manager rewards contribution. And it sends a simple message: if you want to advance in this team, all you gotta do is to help the team. 5.2. But Never Don’t Tell People Who’s Lower One poor manager once said to my colleague: Bad Boss: Lucio is more senior than you are And with that, he created a rift in the team. I didn’t feel close to him because he didn’t tell me, my colleague hated him and the two of us got closer together against our boss because we formed a bond against his “divide and conquer” strategy. Don’t make the same mistake and never tell anyone they’re “lower” than someone else: it’s divisive and promotes internal infighting. What you do instead is to simply reward those who contribute more and praise them more. Which, in turn, will serve as an encouragement for everyone to do the same great job. And that’s the hallmark of soft power and influence: having people work for your approval and rewards.

#6. Champion Your Group: They Will Love You For it Theoretically, everyone should support the company as a whole. But that’s not how people’s minds work. Probably because of our evolution, people tend to break-up bigger groups and to form smaller units of allegiance. None of your reports will say it out loud, but they will secretly resent a manager who doesn’t seem to stand up for his team. And everyone will love a manager who champions and defends his team. #6.2. An Example of Defending Your Team I still remember my very first manager. There was Anton, the program manager from another unit who’d always grab me last minute for whatever he needed. As a freshman, I wasn’t sure whether it was fair for me to say “no” or not, so I asked my manager. He listened to me and then said: “whenever you feel it’s too much, simply tell me and I will take care of telling Anton to f*ck off”. Well, he didn’t actually curse, but that was his message. And that was the day my respect and admiration for him grew 10-fold. This isn’t just me, of course. Social research shows that the more your reports see you as defending and championing them, the more they will love you and support you. Says leadership researcher Haslam: Leaders’ capacity to exert influence—the very essence of leadership—rests on their behavior being seen to have “done it for us.” Of course, “championing” your team within a bigger company requires some tact and can’t be too brutal and obvious. But there are plenty of ways to do it. #6.3. Machiavellian Tip: Romanticize Your Support There are many ways to “romanticize” your support. For example: In salary negotiations, be (slightly) on your report’s side There is always a tug of war between reports and HR. Usually, HR has a range for each position, and it’s often in your best interest to help your reports be in the upper range.

If you are the founder negotiate with a “higher authority” for salary approval and play the good cop / bad cop through the higher authority (see: manipulative negotiation techniques). 20 Manipulative Negotiation Tactics Leverage enemies (tactfully!) to show you’re on their side It’s a well-known phenomenon that enemies help a group to bond. Of course, you gotta be careful here. Exaggerating will make you come across as a bad fit for the organization. But imagine your report complains to you about “that other department” which, as usual, is slowing down his work. The typical manager response that you’re all part of the same company will frustrate your employee. Instead, you will still give the “we’re all one company” spiel, but you will add a slight sigh, a head shake… All this communicates to your report “I’m with you, I get you”, but without sticking your neck out. Also read: Corporate manipulations Manipulation: a field guide Manipulation: Techniques, Strategies, & Ethics

#7. Set The Example: Be The Manager Everyone Wishes to Be [Image: enlightened leader] This is simple: You want to be representative of the group but, as a manager, you want to represent the group as one of its very best members.

Standing out because of your personality and/or performance will make your leadership all the more influential. On the other hand, being an average performer will make it harder to manage the most driven individuals, who will be thinking “who the hell is this guy to manage me”. Some crucial areas to excel at: Work Ethics: work harder than anyone else Work quality: deliver great work Preparation: prepare, because sloppy managers lead sloppy teams Knowledge: know more than anyone else Learnability: show your inner strength by appreciating “learning” more than “being right” (see: how to develop a growth mindset) And avoid: Social climbing Competing with the reports (remember: you are the manager, see yourself as a hunter and groomer of talent) Getting too wasted at companies’ parties (nothing screams “sloppy” as an overly drunk manager, only beat by a wasted manager who gets too emotional or too sexually forward) Abuses of power, including: Personal vendettas Sleeping with reports Demanding exceptions And, finally: keep your ego in check. Leadership grounded in shared identity beats ego-driven leadership. It’s good talking about how great you are, but never make it about you and always make it about “we, the team”.

#8. Keep A Healthy Emotional Distance Vulnerability is all over the place these days. But a manager cannot be too vulnerable. Over-sharing your feelings, personal stories, fears and hang-ups will make you seem weak and too close to your reports to actually lead them. Much better to keep most of your private life private, especially at work and in the beginning.

Then, when you will open up a bit outside of the office, it will feel like you are truly trusting your reports. And it will feel special. Also read: Vulnerability is NOT power Everyone asks for a vulnerable manager. Except that when they get one, they don’t really respect him. -The Power Moves

#9. Dispense Emotional Rewards You know the sales mantra? Always be closing. The good manager mantra could be: Every time you seem something good, say it As Blanchard and Johnson say in “The One Minute Manager“, most managers give feedback only when something is wrong.

And just like that, they make the employee feel like whatever they do is wrong and that they unfairly criticized and underappreciated. #9.2. Example: The Emotionally-Challenged Manager Some years ago I quit work and went traveling. And when I came back, I started negotiating with my previous employer. During those days the parent-holding threw a big party that both me and my boss attended. And, together with an “I got you SOB expression”, this is the very first thing he told me when I saw him: Bad Manager: You know that your last customer isn’t using the money? But you got the bonus, eh? What an interesting way to say “hello” at a party… And considering that at that point all the customers they had were from my sales. Don’t fall for that: always highlight great performance. And always show it and publicize it with external people. Prop Tip: When you receive external compliments, confirm and then share the compliment with your team. See an example here: [Image: example of a manager praise] Compliments: the easiest & cheapest way to foster a supportive team environment!

#10. Don’t Shy Away From Occasional Anger Machiavelli said: It’s better to be feared than to be loved. And here is the best part: fear and love are not antithetical. A strong manager who loves and cares about his team… But who seldom also gets angry will often achieve both at the same time. A constantly calm manager, often described as the ideal in most “how to be a great manager” guides, is suspicious. Your reports will be asking if you’re some kind of emotionally impaired psychopath and if they can really relate to you. Or, even worse, they might ask themselves if you even have what it takes to raise your voice or if you’re not too weak. Put those questions to rest with well-calibrated outbursts. See the mostly calm and cool Michael Corleone, but getting emotionally wild when it’s needed: Raising your voice is not your style? No problem! You can achieve the same effect with harsh feedback or honest expression for disappointment.

For example: Strong manager: that would have been OK for someone else. But not from you. You have much better potential than this. I expect better from you Notice that this is uplifting and inclusive at the same time that it’s an harsh feedback. At first, this will break rapport. But then, once they fix their performance, you are even warmer to them. As if to say “now, with this kind of contribution you are really a great team member”. That’s emotionally addictive, but in a positive way.

#11. Be Honest: That’s How You Foster Team-Spirit So obvious, yet so underappreciated. Keep that in mind: Selfish managers break their teams into their selfish individual components When it comes to culture and behavior, as a manager, you are the most important individual in the team. If your team perceives you as being unfair, corrupt, or selfish, they will generalize those traits to the whole team. They will stop considering the team “a team” and they will revert from pro-social behavior to the more cynical and selfish approach of “what’s in it for me”. This can lead to a vicious circle where everyone focuses on taking and nobody gives anymore (in public good games this is also referred to as the tragedy of commons). Social research proves this law of management over and over. For example, Tyler and Degoey found out that during water shortages people weren’t willing to save water based on how severe the shortage was, but based on how honest they thought the politicians were. Think about it again: people didn’t contribute depending on the severity of the threat, but depending on the fairness of the leader.

Luckily, the opposite is also true. And principled leaders set the examples to turn selfish individuals into a collaborative team. This is why, if you are wondering how to manage great teams, the simplest answer is: be a great team player. In social-psychology Tyler & Blader call this phenomenon “Group Engagement Model”, and it’s been confirmed by experiments of game theory as well (also see “Ridley, 1996“). See a diagram here: [Image: group engagement model for effective leadership]

#12. Be Quick to Fire Anti-Social Individuals… The same law applies to team members. This is the rule of thumb when it comes to team spirit and cooperation: Rotten apples spoil the bunch. That’s not a maxim, it’s (social) science. Let’s quickly review it. Experiments show that the biggest group of people in any team are “conditional cooperators” (around 50% to be precise). What does that mean? That means that most people cooperate only as long as the majority cooperates. And when they see selfish individuals (free-riders) who take more than they give, they start re-assessing their pro-social strategy.

And if the number of free-riders passes a certain threshold, conditional cooperators stop giving completely. When that happens, you don’t have a team anymore. You have a bunch of selfish operators. And that is why a good team manager must recognize selfish operators and get rid of them as soon as possible (or inoculate them, if they are irreplaceable).

Luckily, even here the opposite is also true: when a spirit of cooperation and support permeates the team, the majority of people also start giving more. The increased contribution is often related to how much more others contribute, which is why it’s possible to start a virtuous cycle of cooperation. As the manager, you must set the example of that virtuous circle of cooperation. Pro Tip: Don’t rely on the company’s sponsored lunches to foster cooperation. It must come from you. And it doesn’t have to be based on resources of course: wisdom, support, finding time for 1 on 1, working hard, caring and championing… These all count as team’s contribution.

#13. … & Be Quick to Fire Your Enemies This might sound Machiavellian, but it’s not. As a manager, you are the lighthouse of the team. And if you are doing a great job, your enemies are the team’s enemies (and vice versa). Keeping enemies within the group indeed is dangerous not only for yourself, but for the team as well. Enemies who know what they’re doing will be scheming against you and forming a coalition of haters. As legendary Chicago Bulls coach Phil Jackson said: The secret of managing is to keep the guys who hate you away from the guys who are undecided This is similar to the collaborators and freeloaders split we have just seen in the previous step. Most teams will have leaders’ loyalists, some members who are more neutral and, as well, it might present some hostile players. When internal enemies are left free to operate, a split will take place between the loyalists and the rebellious faction. The first victim, of course, is the team’s morale, atmosphere, and effectiveness. Solution? Whenever you suspect an enemy, cut him loose. Also see: List of toxic employees

Beware of The Employees’ Masks [Image: mask] Your reports lie to you. Not because they’re liars, but because they’re human beings. Managers tend to see the best side of their employees. The smiles, the kindness, the shirt with the company’s logo… But that’s only the front. Many employees put a front because depend on you, and you cannot expect full honesty from people who depend on others (that’s why this website embrace emotional and financial independence alike). And that’s why, as a manager, you need to learn to peer behind the mask. But Ultimately, You Must Accept The Manager’s Burden The manager’s burden is to serve without expecting eternal loyalty. Great managers know the ambivalent nature of people towards power. They know that on one side people crave a leader while at the same time resenting the leader’s power over them. And they might as well find pleasure in seeing the leader fall. But… What are great managers going to do, anyway? The best leaders lead because they’re the best ones at doing it. What else are they going to do, not serving? That’s the leader’s burden: you simply must do it. Shoulder the responsibility… And shoulder the blame if things go wrong. Only when you can accept the leader’s burden you can become a great manager.

Career Strategies

Start with this article here: The psychology of toxic employees And then move onto getting smarter about your own career moves: Mastering office politics Developing a fruitful relationship with your boss

SUMMARY Being a great manager is more difficult than being a great leader, because you have more constraints. But it’s possible. And you have the chance to positively impact many people’s lives, which is both a great opportunity and a great responsibility. This is a preview of Power University. The lesson in the course has more examples, more steps, and more practical advice

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Filed Under: Leadership, Workplace Power Tagged With: being a good manager, how to be a better manager, how to be a good manager, how to be a great manager, how to be a manager [Image: lucio founder of the power moves] About the Author: Lucio Buffalmano Lucio is a social scientist, member of APA and a perpetual researcher of human nature. He teaches power dynamics because he believes that to be good, you first need to learn how to be bad. ThePowerMoves.com is where this new breed of leaders come to train. Power University About Contact T&Cs Privacy Refund Policy Copyright The Power Moves© 2020 · Log in

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You've been randomly selected to try out the new Textise Preview version. Opt in to use this every time. The Preview version features faster loading times and other upcoming improvements. During this extremely difficult time, we at Textise urge everyone to stay safe and adhere to your government's regulations concerning the pandemic. You can get the latest information about the Novel Coronavirus at the World Health Organisation (WHO) site (text-only view). This page has been Textised with the Preview version! The original page address was https://thepowermoves.com/ben-shapiro-debatetechniques/ For sharing use ... Here are some options: Back to original page (in this window | in a new window) Convert this page to a PDF Print this page Textise Home Page (full version | text only version) Textise Options Page (choose font size, font colour, etc.) Are you a webmaster? Find out how to easily add Textise to your web site. Skip to main content Underpriced's offer is ending. Price jumps in 12 hours. Enroll before it's too late. The Power Moves Power dynamics, life strategies, and owning your life. Start Here Power Definitions Blog Social Power Dynamics Career Strategies Dating For Women Dating For Men Relationships Resources Speed Learning Power University Seduction University Forum

Join In! 10 Bullying Debate Techniques From Ben Shapiro April 28, 2019 By Lucio Buffalmano When it comes to debate techniques to win debates no matter what, Ben Shapiro is a great guy to learn from. Shapiro is the most successful and ruthless political debater in the English speaking world. But he is also a deep connoisseur of power dynamics and, sometimes, a bit of a manipulator. This article will show you all the techniques Ben Shapiro uses to dominate his debates. Contents #1. Get Under Your Opponent’s Skin #2. Strike When They Overreact (ie.: Gaslighting) #3. Convey Authority by Talking Like You’re Gospel #4. Ridicule Your Opponent #5. Use (Or bend) Data & Statistics to Increase Your authority #6. Play The Victim #7. Hide Your Power Source #8. Accuse Your Opponent of Your Own Faults #9. Frame The Interaction (the way it serves you) #10. Seek Peace (Only) When They’re On Their Knees Ben Shapiro Personality Traits Ben Shapiro’s Debating Fundamentals What I Think of Ben Shapiro SUMMARY #1. Get Under Your Opponent’s Skin One of the major reasons why Ben Shapiro dominates all the debates is that he’s the best I have ever seen at getting under his opponents’ skin. This is something of the things he’s done, said or heavily implied to get under people’s skin: “you’ve been standing on the graves of dead children” “you’re not a real woman” (to a trans) “I fell terrible for you” (to a trans) “why are you mainstreaming delusion” (to a full panel of journalists) Getting under his opponents’ skin is a technique Ben Shapiro uses consciously. And I know that because he bragged about to a room of his supporters. #2. Strike When They Overreact (ie.: Gaslighting)

This is how Shapiro deploys gaslighting: 1. Manipulate the victim into overreacting (“getting under their skin”) 2. Remain calm as they overreact 3. Point out to the victim that they are overreacting and/or acting crazy and aggressive The victim, looking their aggressor calm and realizing that they are indeed acting crazy, often ends up feeling crazy. Gaslighting is a common technique that abusive men use in their highly toxic relationships (Adelyn Birch, 2015). When Ben Shapiro makes his victim act aggressively, he makes it a point to highlight while he acts calm and rational. That way, it looks like he is winning the debate thanks to his arguments, and not thanks to his emotional manipulation. Ben Shapiro is an intelligent man and a highly skilled political debater. Yet I’d go as far as to say that most of Ben Shapiro’s claim to notoriety is bad on him gaslighting his opponents (ie.: making them overreact and aggress him and then taking advantage of it). Why Shapiro Does Not Say His Opponents Are Acting Crazy When transgender Zoey Tur threatened to physically assault Shapiro, Shapiro could have claimed that threats of violence have no place in a debate. And he could have made the case that everyone in the studio was supporting violence by not openly condemning Zoey Tur (and it would have been a good point, BTW). However, he decided not to. Why? Because from a persuasion point of view it’s much better if people realize by themselves that people are being aggressive towards Shapiro while he simply makes his case calmly and rationally. That way, people are actually siding with Shapiro by their own volition rather than because Ben complained or asked to do so. And that’s much more persuasive. #3. Convey Authority by Talking Like You’re Gospel Ben Shapiro talks with an unwavering belief in his values and he talks like he’s speaking unquestionable truths. That attitude helps Shapiro browbeat his adversaries and it makes him wield outsized power and influence.

Talking with unwavering confidence like you’re delivering scripture works very well both in destroying his debating opponents and in galvanizing his followers’ base. Most people indeed have an inborn tendency to follow the charismatic leader.

This is a terrible human bias because it actually helps dictators, psychopaths, and snake oil salesmen alike to build a huge following. But alas, it’s there and it’s real so you better take it into account. When People Quit Debating Shapiro Ben Shapiro is so good at conveying power and authority that sometimes his least skilled debating opponents simply give up. They quit trying to debate him or start asking him questions instead of confronting him. That’s the hallmark of a powerful debater. When people stop debating you they are recognizing your superiority. And when they ask you questions they are basically saying “you know more, you are the real leader, know let me learn from you” #4. Ridicule Your Opponent Ben Shapiro is a ruthless debater. And one way he dominates debates is by intellectually destroying his opponent. He does in all the ways he can. But one of his favorites and one of the nastiest power moves he deploys is by implying, or sometimes directly stating, that his opponent is an idiot. He does it with smirks, witty remarks, voice tonality, eye-rolling, and other indicators of contempt. Contempt also contributes to Shapiro’s gaslighting effect. Shapiro’s “know it all” attitude is typical of the “smart alec” dominant archetype that we analyzed in “The 7 Archetypes of Dominance“. Note how he also leverages the “podium” and “speaker” position of power by getting the audience to laugh along with him (learn here how to speak with power). That’s similar to Obama’s social-climbing BTW. #5. Use (Or bend) Data & Statistics to Increase Your authority We live in a society that, righteously, celebrates science, data and statistics. People who drop quotes, names, data, statistics and studies, sound wellinformed, intelligent, and… “right”. Ben Shapiro loves to drop a copious amount of statistics that make him sound like the ultimate authority on the topic.

If you have been following this blog though you know that statistics can be manipulated to say almost anything you want to say (Darrell Huff, 1954). Furthermore, few if any people even check whether what you’re saying is based on good data (or on any data at all, also check “popular but wrong self-help myths“).

Example of Bending Researches For example, in his crusade to refuse to call men going from male to women “she” Shapiro often quotes research which says that the suicide rate among transexuals is the same whether people recognize them for their preferred gender or not. For anyone familiar with basic psychology and sociology, this makes little sense. Being recognized or ostracized by the people around has a huge impact on people. So I looked up the research. Turns out, it was pretty much as I expected it would turn up and pretty much disproving what Shapiro stated. I quote: Respondents who experienced rejection by family and friends, discrimination, victimization, or violence had elevated prevalence of suicide attempts Now, based on that, what do you think forcing a “he” does to a trans who wants to become a “she”? Might that qualify as a rejection for her? I definitely think so. And this is what another research says: Social support, reduced transphobia, and having any personal identification documents changed to an appropriate sex designation were associated with large relative and absolute reductions in suicide risk And: Interventions to increase social inclusion and access to medical transition, and to reduce transphobia, have the potential to contribute to substantial reductions in the extremely high prevalences of suicide ideation Basically: don’t listen to what Shapiro says about transexuals. Frankly, I find it nasty and it only increases the level of pain and hurt in this world. #6. Play The Victim There is a strange tendency among human beings. And that tendency is to think that if one has been victimized he can hardly be a victimizer himself. Funny, because that’s actually the opposite of how it goes (Glasser, 2001).

So what Shapiro conveniently says is that he is against abuse and bullying because he’s been the victim of vicious bullying as a kid. That helps him deflect a lot of bullying accusations and, when he’s accused of bullying, it gives him an easier way out. It’s a bit like the abusing partner who says to his wife when she accuses him of being emotionally abusive: Him: How can you say that to me, you know what my father did me!! Ben Shapiro’s Next Level Victim Power Move Playing the victim is a dangerous technique though. It’s very easy to overdo it and end up sounding like a complainer or like a powerless, submissive victim (check here body language of submission). And you can’t dominate debates as the weaker party of the interaction. But of course, Ben Shapiro is too smart to fall into that trap, and he finds indeed a strong, powerful way of presenting himself as a victim. Basically, it sounds a bit like this: “I’m ready to debate fair and square with anyone… But they prefer to shut me off, protest me and aggress me instead of debating”.

That way he sounds intellectually superior to his opponents while still painting himself as the victim of abuse. It makes him look like a 21st century Robin Hood. #7. Hide Your Power Source In “The 48 Laws of Power” Robert Greene says you should play a sucker to catch a sucker. Indeed, it’s often best to hide your power source. When people are confused as to what your real sources of power are, they can’t easily attack them. And when they are not sure as to what actually makes you powerful, they can’t easily copy your debating techniques. As we have seen Ben Shapiro’s debating techniques often resort to emotional manipulation and bullying. Yet he loves to paint himself as a “small Jewish guy who’s been viciously bullied”. That’s very convenient, isn’t it? Of course, that makes little sense because your threat in debates is not conferred by your physical size. But it helps Shapiro hide his darker power sources which are, at times, bullying and manipulative. #8. Accuse Your Opponent of Your Own Faults

This is another common technique of abusive men (Bancroft, 2002). It consists of “beating your opponent to the punch” and accusing him of using your own manipulative technique. Let’s imagine you are verbally bullying someone and then accuse your opponent of being a verbal bully. When you do it: 1. You get under his skin and he will surely overreact 2. He will look like he’s following your lead and reacting to your leadership when he will counter-accuse you of being a bully 3. People tend to believe the accuse more than the defendant As a matter of fact, the more he overreacts and accuses back, the more he will look like a bully, and the more likely you are of winning the debate. This is also a technique that Donal Trump used quite often. Also read: Trump debating technique Win a debate like Donal Trump Win Bigly (analysis of Trump’s persuasion techniques) #9. Frame The Interaction (the way it serves you) Whoever gets to frame the interaction holds a huge advantage in debates. Sometimes people will pose you a question and frame it in a way that it presupposes you said something or that you agree with something. If you’re not aware of it you end up debating something you don’t even believe that much. Or as you speak someone might move the conversation towards a frame that is better suited for his position. For example, a frame to support capital punishment might be “what we’re really talking about here is about proper punishment for the most heinous crimes like torture, pedophilia and mass murders”. Ben Shapiro is very good at framing the conversation in a way that supports his own views. For example: “which is what we’re talking about here”, see? He is the one who frames the conversation. The way he does also give him huge power in the interaction because he’s implying that the woman is rambling on and babbling and he is the intelligent one who is now bringing the conversation towards its central proposition. Also read:

Basics of frame 10 Frame control technique #10. Seek Peace (Only) When They’re On Their Knees People remember mostly how things begin and how they end (Elliot Aronson, 2011). This is highly relevant to an aggressive debater like Ben Shapiro, because if all he did was to aggress and deride, then people would leave with a very bad impression of him. Instead, I have noticed he often ends with a more conciliatory tone. That allows him to take rather extremist positions but still makes it seem like he’s quite open. But mostly, it allows him to shred his opponents to pieces, then offer an olive branch in the end and look like he’s a very magnanimous dude. His opponents, browbeaten during the whole arguments, are often more than happy to take that olive branch which is a way of saving (some) face. To people looking from the outside, that seems like Shapiro destroys his opponents with hard facts, data and strong arguments. And then, he is nice enough to end in friendship. yeah, great, now AFTER he destroyed everyone, he even looks sensible and magnanimous Ben Shapiro Personality Traits Researching Ben Shapiro I have realized that is possibly the most ruthlessly effective debate I have seen so far. He is better than Tucker Carlson and, in some ways, more effective than Jordan Peterson, author of The 12 Rules For Life. Here are some of Ben Shapiro’s superpowers: Icey cold under stress (the way he remained cool in front of the physical threat was nothing short of astonishing) Does not take things personally (also read: Ego Is The Enemy, The Antifragile Ego) Quick-witted (he owes his notoriety and skills to his quick-wit as well) Ben Shapiro’s Debating Fundamentals Ben Shapiro uses plenty of power moves and unfair debating techniques, but don’t get me wrong: he is also skilled with the basics. For example: He embodies his values by living them, which gives him huge credibility Knows his topics really well

Researches before going into a debate High degree of mastery in the English language Separates himself from his arguments (this allows him to take strong criticism without taking it personally) What I Think of Ben Shapiro This was a rather critical analysis of Ben Shapiro debating skills and personality, but it’s not meant as an attack against Shapiro. I strongly disagree with his stance on transexuals and on his insistence on calling them by their biological pronoun. That’s really unhelpful and only adds to this world’s misery. And if there one thing we should all strive on is in reducing misery and increasing people’s well-being. I do very much enjoy and also very much agree with some of his video comments though. Especially the ones which lay bare the hypocrisy of certain people, awards, ceremonies, and news cycles. His criticism of Oprah Winfrey’s speech is spot on, for example. And I has a column up where he publicly airs his dirty laundry and his past mistakes, which is cool (and something I want to mimic). SUMMARY Here is the truth: If you want to win debates, then you need to master the dark side of the debate techniques. Ben Shapiro is one of the most successful political debaters around, and there is much to learn from him. His debating dominance though does not only rely on facts and skills but also resorts to manipulation and bullying. My personal invite to you is to build bridges, rather than “dominating” the opponent. But with this article, you will know how to defend yourself against Shapiro-like debaters. Related

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Filed Under: Influence & Persuasion, Real Life Case Studies Tagged With: ben shapiro debate techniques, ben shapiro manipulation, ben shapiro power moves, how ben shapiro dominates [Image: lucio founder of the power moves] About the Author: Lucio Buffalmano Lucio is a social scientist, member of APA and a perpetual researcher of human nature. He teaches power dynamics because he believes that to be good, you first need to learn how to be bad. ThePowerMoves.com is where this new breed of leaders come to train. Power University About Contact T&Cs Privacy Refund Policy Copyright The Power Moves© 2020 · Log in

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You've been randomly selected to try out the new Textise Preview version. Opt in to use this every time. The Preview version features faster loading times and other upcoming improvements. During this extremely difficult time, we at Textise urge everyone to stay safe and adhere to your government's regulations concerning the pandemic. You can get the latest information about the Novel Coronavirus at the World Health Organisation (WHO) site (text-only view). This page has been Textised with the Preview version! The original page address was https://thepowermoves.com/beating-moral-police/ For sharing use ... Here are some options: Back to original page (in this window | in a new window) Convert this page to a PDF Print this page Textise Home Page (full version | text only version) Textise Options Page (choose font size, font colour, etc.) Are you a webmaster? Find out how to easily add Textise to your web site. Skip to main content Underpriced's offer is ending. Price jumps in 12 hours. Enroll before it's too late. The Power Moves Power dynamics, life strategies, and owning your life. Start Here Power Definitions Blog Social Power Dynamics Career Strategies Dating For Women Dating For Men Relationships Resources Speed Learning Power University Seduction University Forum Join In!

RSD Julien Scandal: Here’s How to Handle Shame Attacks April 1, 2018 By Lucio Buffalmano The story of the RSD scandal involving Julien Blanc is the story of a typical shame attack. The attacker, also called “moral police”, publicly attacked the sacrificial lamb framing him as “bad beyond reproach”. Anyone who works and operates outside of the morality of their zeitgeist can be the victim of a similar scandal. So it’s good if you prepare yourself. By the end of this article, you will learn what you should do in a similar situation and how you can deal and beat the moral police. Contents Julien Blanc Scandal: Intro What’s Moral Police? #1. Don’t Give Them Moral High Ground #2. Break The Attack Early #3. Counterattack: Highlight Moral Police Hypocrisy #4. Remove Their Power: Agree #5. Prove The MPs Wrong #6. Deny, Deny, Deny #7. Extol Your Virtues (Broken Record Technique) SUMMARY Julien Blanc Scandal: Intro Julien Blanc (previously RSDJulien), was a dating coach at a company called RSD. He was mired in a scandal for some videos he had done in Japan, and he appeared on CNN for an interview (you can watch the full version here). It wasn’t a friendly interview , though. There were no questions, no letting him explain and no finding out what really went on. The interviewer at CNN was more out to get him. Indeed, he demonized Julien, took the worst pictures he could find and bullied him on live TV. Albeit I believe the interviewer was rather unfair and Julien didn’t deserve that much hate, this post is not about taking a position on the issue but more to analyze the interview. The objective is to share and learn how to deal with moral attacks when you actually did do something wrong.

What’s Moral Police? I will define moral policing as such: The act of shaming someone for breaking an alleged standard of ethics and morals, and framing him as “unworthy” for that morally just society The standards of ethics and morals are either the majority’s standards or simply the ones that the moral police prefers. Moral policing is a pejorative term, implying that the ethics and morals used as yardsticks are not necessarily good and positive but can simply be a tool to win an argument and destroy an opponent. The moral police always takes a judge role against the attacker, framing themselves as “moral and fair” and framing the attacked as “not good enough” for us. To learn more about judges please read here: The Judge Role: A Tool For Power & Control We have seen shame attacks and more policing before on this site, for example analyzing the Charlie Sheene interview. But this case is different because Julien Blanc did misbehave publicly, so the moral police had an even easier job. How do you handle the moral police when you in Julien Blanc’s tough spot? Here is how you do it: #1. Don’t Give Them Moral High Ground This is the very first rule. Whenever you allow anyone to take the moral high ground on you, you’re going to fight an uphill battle. They will be always on the offensive and you will always be on the defensive. Which is what, partially, happened to Julien Blanc. See an example of how the interviewer takes the moral high ground by setting himself up as the defender of “meaningful relationships” VS “whatever Julien preaches”: The interviewer sets himself up as the judge of “what’s good” and Julien allows it, thus legitimizing his authority. #2. Break The Attack Early The later you act to the moral police’s attacks, the more you’ll be fighting against the momentum.

The key is to react early and nip their attack in the bud. This is one of the reasons why Julien Blanc was in a difficult spot: the interviewer swung for the hilltop right off the gates. Julien gave his flank and never recovered from there. Do the opposite instead: Meet them at their same level of nastiness or Push back and deny accusations See how Trump did it: Totally different approach, right? Trump remained in power Trump: “No I didn’t say that at all, I don’t think you understood what was said, this was locker room talk“ Rejects, powerfully, and reframes effectively. Julien Blanc could have done something similar, for example, by saying: You in Julien’s Place: “not at all, I don’t think that by showing a single snapshot you can understand the bigger picture. I was drunk and having fun with some friends around. The girls were also having fun. I feel bad for the more extreme pictures which are out-of-context snapshots who don’t represent who I am and what I stand for. But the truth of what happened is that this was all done in jest and nobody was injured -God forbid, I hate violence!You are trying to turn me into a villain. But I’m not the villain you are trying to make me and I can’t allow you to paint me like that #3. Counterattack: Highlight Moral Police Hypocrisy As Robert Green explains in “The 33 Strategies of War“, hypocrisy is a super powerful weapon in moral battles. Whenever you can point effectively their hypocrisy, you’re halfway through winning. See how Trump goes for it against Hillary Clinton: Note: Trump’s move was not the most effective here, but it did help in removing a lot of heat from himself and opening a new front on Hillary’s side. #4. Remove Their Power: Agree Moral police gather power only by virtue of their opponents.

Keep that in mind because that’s crucial to understand the power dynamics of shame attacks. The moral police only exists thanks to its opponent and only draws power because of its opponent. Basically, their power is correlated to how bad they can make you out to be. The bigger the villain you are, the bigger they win. On the other hand, the more virtuous you can make yourself out to be, the less power they have. What you will do then is that you will avoid entrenching yourself behind positions that are objectively too hard to defend. It would have been crazy in that situation for Julien to say that some women enjoy aggression for example. Albeit that’s not fully untrue, it simply wasn’t the place to bring up such a topic. What you will do instead is that you will agree with some of their most agreeable positions and make yourself look good by sharing platitudes and public candies. Appeals to love, unity and togetherness always work. Julien could have done the same by going deeper on the wedding stories he mentioned and then adding something like: You in Julien’s Place: Absolutely many guys meet their partners for life with our seminars. And I’m so happy for them. My job at the end of the day is about helping people find love, and that’s what makes my work so meaningful to me Look how Trump does it again with Hillary Clinton: Clinton paints a picture of “togetherness” trying to paint Trump as a divisive dark horse. And what does Trump do? He agrees #5. Prove The MPs Wrong If you’re going into a protracted war, even better than words, is using actions. When Hillary tried to nickname Trump “dark” he did the opposite, defending the rights of middle America and showing up around poor minorities. Do the same. When the moral police tries to paint you as X, you do Y. #6. Deny, Deny, Deny Block every jab. When the moral police won’t be able to attack you head-on, they will try sneaky maneuvers to catch you off guard and then spin their web around you.

Everything they say, always say “NO”. Or that “it depends”, or tell them to be clearer before you commit to any answer. This is exactly the technique Jordan Peterson used against Newman: Jordan Peterson’s denying strategy never allowed Newman to gain a single small foothold from which to launch her moral policing campaign #7. Extol Your Virtues (Broken Record Technique) Moral police will keep trying to make a villain out of you. The problem with that? That if you let them play their game while remaining mostly silent, you do become a villain. Don’t allow your silence to solidify their attacks, but deny first and then extol your virtues. On a loop. The more you repeat something, the truer it becomes. See Trump doing it: When they attack you and you extol your virtue it becomes your word against theirs. If you did a good job of denying them authority, this technique will give you the edge. SUMMARY Julien Blanc had a close encounter with moral police in that CNN interview. Because the RSD scandal blew out of proportion, that wasn’t an easy chair to sit on, so no judging here. This article highlights some pitfalls you should avoid and gave you the basics on how to act when someone is using moral superiority. Stay strong my friend, and don’t let the moral police bully you and push you around. Related

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Filed Under: Real Life Case Studies , Social Power Moves Tagged With: julien blanc, julien blanc cnn, julien blanc japan, julien blanc most hated man, julien blanc scandal, julien rsd, rsd julien

[Image: lucio founder of the power moves] About the Author: Lucio Buffalmano Lucio is a social scientist, member of APA and a perpetual researcher of human nature. He teaches power dynamics because he believes that to be good, you first need to learn how to be bad. ThePowerMoves.com is where this new breed of leaders come to train. Power University About Contact T&Cs Privacy Refund Policy Copyright The Power Moves© 2020 · Log in

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You've been randomly selected to try out the new Textise Preview version. Opt in to use this every time. The Preview version features faster loading times and other upcoming improvements. During this extremely difficult time, we at Textise urge everyone to stay safe and adhere to your government's regulations concerning the pandemic. You can get the latest information about the Novel Coronavirus at the World Health Organisation (WHO) site (text-only view). This page has been Textised with the Preview version! The original page address was https://thepowermoves.com/psychopathy-empathy-and-success-at-work/ For sharing use ... Here are some options: Back to original page (in this window | in a new window) Convert this page to a PDF Print this page Textise Home Page (full version | text only version) Textise Options Page (choose font size, font colour, etc.) Are you a webmaster? Find out how to easily add Textise to your web site. Skip to main content Underpriced's offer is ending. Price jumps in 12 hours. Enroll before it's too late. The Power Moves Power dynamics, life strategies, and owning your life. Start Here Power Definitions Blog Social Power Dynamics Career Strategies Dating For Women Dating For Men Relationships Resources Speed Learning Power University Seduction University Forum Join In! The Myth of Emotional Intelligence: Machiavellis At The Top May 19, 2020 By Lucio Buffalmano The myth of emotional intelligence postulates that the more emotionally intelligent you are, the more money you will make, and the better of a career you will have. This article contends that emotional intelligence only helps you up to a certain point at work. And, if you truly want to reach the top, emotional intelligence as it’s most often described, such as high in empathy and tending to relationships, can actually be harmful. Contents What’s Emotional Intelligence The Myth of Emotional Intelligence The Harsher Truth: Psychopathy Beats Empathy The Darker EI That Helps You Advance SUMMARY What’s Emotional Intelligence Emotional intelligence (EI), measured as “emotional quotient” (EQ), is an umbrella term that could be loosely defined as: The capacity to be aware, control, and appropriately express one’s emotions, to understand other people’s emotions, and to empathetically handle interpersonal relationships. Daniel Goleman, who popularized the term, divides emotional intelligence into four components:

Self-awareness (personal competence 1) Self-management (personal competence 2) Social awareness (social competence 1) Relationship management (social competence 2) The first two elements of personal competence refer to being aware of your emotions and managing your behavior. The second two elements of social competence refer to the awareness of other people’s feelings, moods, and behavior in order to improve the quality of your relationships. Obviously, those competencies are important. But how important are they when it comes to career progression, compared to other skills? The Myth of Emotional Intelligence This quote made “emotional intelligence” popular: As much as 80% of adult “success” comes from EQ That was Daniel Goleman. Since then, emotional intelligence entered the collective imagination, more supporting “evidence” emerged, and seminars teaching emotional intelligence have sprung out around the globe. And the craze quickly entered the world of business. Goleman, in his sequel book “Working With Emotional Intelligence” restates that IQ does not determine career success, but EQ does. Travis Bradberry in his book “Emotional Intelligence 2.0” and in this Forbes article says that EQ predicts salary, and that “onepoint increase in EQ leads to an increase of 1.300 dollars of annual salary” (which doesn’t make much sense by the way, because it cannot be a linear progression to infinity). But is it really true? Empathic Nice Guys Might Not Finish Last, But They Do Get Stuck in The Middle In brief: From all the evidence I have gathered, it’s not true that emotional intelligence is a key contributor to career success. It matters, in a way, yes, but it’s not a linear progression. It doesn’t help you in all types of jobs and, most importantly, it doesn’t seem like it helps you reach the top. One single chart, plotting the EQ results by job titles, should suffice to put the theory to rest: [Image: chart plotting EQ results by job titles] Data from Travis Bradberry, “Emotional Intelligence 2.0” Bradberry computed the results of his emotional intelligence survey from more than 100.000 individuals, across multiple industries, and on five continents. Plus, Bradberry is one of the pundits for emotional intelligence, selling emotional intelligence training. That means: Bradberry’s interests are in direct contrast to what his own survey shows (so big kudos to him for releasing discordant data). Both the numbers and the inverse conflict of interest make the results very telling, in my opinion. And the results say that emotional intelligence is only high up until mid-level management. Bradberry, in this Harvard Business Review article poignantly titled “heartless bosses”, asks: How could it be that the very people who need emotional intelligence the most seem to have it the least? Well, to me, an obvious reason looms in the distance: because, it seems, you don’t need a high EQ to be promoted to the executives rank. What does the author of the original survey have to say about it? In this article, Bradberry acknowledges that executives might have lower EQ because their job “erodes” EQ, and because companies don’t take EQ into account when deciding who to promote. Maybe. My answer is somewhat different. It’s not that CEOs are (necessarily) emotionally stupid. They probably aren’t. But they just have different priorities. CEOs are more concerned with power, winning, and getting things done than with what helps you score high in emotional intelligence -things such as understanding what others feel, protecting people’s egos, nurturing relationships, and “social harmony”-. CEOs are able to doggedly pursue their goals, independently of what others think and feel. CEOs aren’t too touchy, and they don’t care if others get offended.

Those traits make your EI score tick downward. But, at work, they help you move upward. Says psychologist George Simon in his best-selling book “In Sheep’s Clothing“: CEOs most often have inflated self-esteem (…) and are undetered by adverse consequences or societal condemnation. Simon is basically saying that a thick-skin and feeling great no matter what others say or think is a trait that, albeit potentially anti-social, helps you advance in life. This is the equivalent of dialing empathy down, not up. So, if being able to dial down one’s own empathy and sensitivity is useful, might it be possible that not having empathy and sensitivity at all could be an advantage? Well, there is indeed much evidence to suggest that the opposite of empathy and emotional intelligence can help you get to the top. Enter, the psychopath, the individual with no empathy and no conscience. The Harsher Truth: Psychopathy Beats Empathy Jon Moulton is a famed British private equity investor. Asked by the Financial Times what his 3 best features are, he replied (italic is mine): Determination, curiosity and insensitivity Why insensitivity? Moulton says that insensitivity “lets you sleep when others can’t”. That doesn’t sound like a man high in empathy, does it? It sounds much closer to psychopathy than to an empathic leader. In my own experience in business and start-ups, I saw similar examples. Of the ones I can share here, I once had a CEO who said we’d “throw bodies at the operations department” -he loved repeating that in his previous company he handled the breakneck speed of growth by “throwing bodies at operations.” The venture was going to be a slam dunk, he loved repeating (grandiose view of self), and the prospects who didn’t want to work with us were “stupid” (demeaning towards others). Another founder, a speed metal singer who told me he fancied himself a “warrior”, invited me to pre-launch meetings with the goal of wooing me in. How did this one refer to the guys running operational tasks in his future business? “Monkeys”. He called them “monkeys”. And had the same braggart, grandiose sense of impending, easy victory as the previous example. His company was going to be raking in money, and for the easy task of actually getting the work done, “we’ll just hire monkeys” (I left in mild disgust that day and never saw him again). The Goldwater rule says you shouldn’t diagnose people whom you haven’t professionally examined. But if I had to bet money, I’d bet that those two would score quite high in psychopathy. This should not be a shocker to anyone in the social sciences. The idea that psychopathy -or certain traits of psychopathy- can help individuals climb hierarchical organizations and acquire power is nothing new in the field (Dutton, 2012; Hare & Babiak, 2006) Data and evidence are not forthcoming in this field. We can understand why: few business leaders would be happy to be measured and identified as high in psychopathy. But some data does exist, and it points to interesting conclusions. Babiak and Hare administered the psychopathy checklist to a group of 203 American business executives. The results? While luckily the median psychopathy score was not high, the prevalence of psychopathic traits among business executives was far higher than among the general population. 3.9% of the business executives had a score of 30 or higher, which is the minimum threshold to be clinically considered a psychopath. That means that there were 2 to 3 times more psychopaths among the business executives than in the normal population (that’s a lot). And we’re not talking about extreme cases like “Chainsaw Al” or Elizabeth Holmes and Theranos. We’re talking about random samples of successive businesspeople. [Image: sociopath elizabeth holmes lies] Holmes’ Machiavellianism allowed her to be hailed as a role model for females entrepreneurs while she bullied her way to unlimited power There is a very interesting caveat to the Hare’s study, though. The caveat is, in part, worrying. But in part, it also holds the keys to a solution. Here it is: the psychopaths from Hare’s study received poor evaluations from their superiors. And they were correctly identified as poor team players and as having poor management styles. So it seems like it’s not true that psychopaths can go up undetected. They do are recognized as some sorts of a-holes -which

makes sense-. Yet the obvious reality remains: being correctly identified as poor leaders of people didn’t stop psychopaths from climbing the corporate ladder. Equally worrying, some of their psychopathy traits did indeed help them get near the top. Says psychopathy expert Babiak in that same study: Even those traits that reflect a severe lack of human feelings or emotional poverty (lack of remorse, guilt, empathy) can be put into service by corporate psychopaths, where being ‘‘tough’’ or ‘‘strong’’ (making hard, unpopular decisions) or ‘‘cool under fire’’ (not displaying emotions in the face of unpleasant circumstances) can work in their favor. And he adds: In sum, the very skills that make the psychopath so unpleasant (and sometimes abusive) in society can facilitate a career in business even in the face of negative performance ratings. That’s not the only study to link psychopathy with business success. Board and Fritzon had a smaller sample of just 39 business managers, but it emerged that a number of histrionic and narcissistic attributes such as charm, egocentricity, and lack of empathy were more common in business leaders than in so-called disturbed personalities. The difference was that the business leaders’ group was less likely to display the more “antisocial aspects” of psychopathy, such as physical aggression, instability, and hostile defiance. So, yes, violent psychopathy won’t get you far. But the Machiavellian aspect of it, might. The Future Trend: Less EQ, More Ruthlessness What’s the trend? Will EQ be more rewarded, or will psychopathy traits be more rewarded? It’s difficult to say. World-renowned psychopathy expert Robert Hare says that psychopathy is on the rise. And the general corporate environment, with its faster pace and more frequent job changes becoming the norm, is generally becoming more suitable for psychopaths.

From Hare’s writings, it also seems to me that many high-earning professions are more likely to downplay the role of emotional intelligence and to instead reward psychopathy. Investment banking seems to be a popular industry for individuals high in psychopathy. And Robert Hare is often quoted as saying that: “if I wasn’t studying psychopaths in prison, I’d do so at the stock exchange”. -Pyschopathy researcher Robert Hare The 2008 financial crisis has also been linked with psychopathic behavior (Boddy, 2011). It’s not a mystery to anyone that plenty of executives made lots of money and walked away from the mess while leaving the taxpayers on the hook. The Darker EI That Helps You Advance So, is EI useless? No. Quite the opposite. From Bradberry’s and Goleman’s work, plus further menta-analysis, it seems true that emotional intelligence is positively correlated to job performance (except for non-people facing jobs Newman et. al, 2010), and makes for better leadership. Such as, emotional intelligence is important for good governance and good leadership. It just doesn’t seem to be so important for personal advancement and selfish ends. Unless… Unless we enlarge the definition of Emotional Intelligence. Emotional intelligence can help you advance. But it’s not the emotional intelligence as it’s often understood to be, such as caring and empathizing with your team. The 2 Types of Empathy There are two main types of empathy: emotional, and cognitive (Cox et. al., 2011). Emotional empathy allows you to feel what other people are feeling, feel sympathy and compassion for their pain, and possibly feel bad about it at a more or less deep level (sometimes referred to as “somatic empathy”). Cognitive empathy instead helps you to understand what other people are feeling, but without being emotionally affected, and without caring for people’s suffering. As psychopathy researcher James Fallon says, psychopaths have little or no emotional empathy, but they can be good at understanding what others are feeling. And they use that information strategically, and for selfish ends only (sometimes referred to as “tactical empathy”).

The same can be said for emotional intelligence at large. As organizational psychologist Adam Grant shrewdly notes, EI can be used for good or for less good purposes. And the type of emotional intelligence that helps you make a good career is a different type of emotional intelligence. Such as: The type of emotional intelligence that helps you advance at work is more Machiavellian in nature. You understand how people feel, what behaviors are more likely to be rewarded, and you put that information to the service of career strategies that get you promoted. Just to be clear: emotional empathy does not necessarily hurt your personal career and success potentials. It’s just that it’s not strictly needed, either. And too much emotional empathy can also become harmful, leading to paralysis and the inability to act (Sapolsky, 2017). At work, that would mean not firing people when you should fire people. What does matter when it comes to promotions, is cognitive empathy for effective social strategizing. This is the high-EQ that helps you advance: Knowledge of human psychology (including your own psychology) It’s people who decide who advances and get promoted. And knowing how people work underpins any effective decision and career strategy. Some psychopaths actively research psychology and power dynamics to become better abusers. Read here a shocking account of a psychopath’s sexual strategy. Office politics mastery Depending on the definition, office politics is either all the human element of work, or all the human element outside of the sanctioned rules. But even if we adopted the latter definition, since most organizations don’t promote only on competence, office politics mastery is crucial for anyone who wants to make it to the top. Office politics is about ingratiating bosses, finding mentors and sponsors, self-promoting effectively, and aligning interests. And how about when those interests can’t be aligned? When interests cannot align, the EQ that helps you advance is Machiavellian in nature One study by David Buss and Liisa M.Kyl-Heku analyzed different career strategies. And found out that a “manipulative strategy” was as effective as a strategy based on industriousness (ie.: hard work). Frankly, I don’t think you can reach a scientific conclusion on specific career strategies. They’re too difficult to measure, and they overlap too much. But I think we can all agree that Machiavellianism can help you advance. This is a case where the scientific study simply confirms what most of us have seen with our own eyes. The Machiavellian player knows that there are plenty of areas of conflicting interests between himself and the organization, and between himself and his colleagues. And he is keenly aware of how to maximize self-interest while looking like he’s playing for the team. This is the area of EI where psychopaths do quite well. Psychopaths are indeed good at recognizing emotions in other people’s faces. And they do not always score low in emotional intelligence (Copestake et al., 2013). It’s “just” in the conscience and empathy side that they’re lacking. Knowledge and mastery of power dynamics Here is the big secret: It’s alpha males and alpha females who get promoted. You will rarely see a CEO who’s a wimp, a CEO who acts submissively, or a CEO who speaks with uncertainty. The simple rule is that to make it to the top, you need to act like a top dog. Also see this article on executive skills that get you promoted. I Wish I Could Tell You Differently I’m not happy to write this article. And I wish reality was different. So not only I’m open to change my mind, but I wish someone will change my mind (with evidence, and pragmatic realism of course). But for now, from the evidence I have seen so far, career progression has less to do with empathy and emotional intelligence, and more to do with looking the part, smart politics and, sometimes, ruthlessness and unabashed selfishness.

Exceptions: The “Enlightened Companies” Luckily, there are a few exceptions. These are what I call “enlightened companies”. Enlightened companies are strictly based on results and, often but not necessarily, also have a lower tolerance for assholes. That type of culture tends to screen-in more empathic folks while weeding out the most obvious sociopaths. As we saw earlier indeed, the psychopaths were correctly recognized as poor managers and team players. So it would go a long way to fix the problem if companies refused to accept and promote antisocial behavior. It also seems that enlightened companies perform better in terms of bottom line profits. They follow the result-based organization style that billionaire and Bridgewater found Ray Dalio explains in his book “Principles“. Or the management style that former Googler Kim Scott branded “Radical Candor“, which is a mix of caring and radical honesty. Other exceptions include companies that move slow (psychopaths aren’t good in stable environments), or that prioritize relationships or sustainable growth over turning a quick buck. Costco, as described by Simon Sinek in “Leaders Eat Last” might be one such example. If you work for one of these companies, great. If you want to build one of these companies, even better: we need more of them. Still, keep in mind there might not exist a company where political savvy plays absolutely no role whatsoever. So some knowledge of how people work will always serve you well. Furthermore, the most enlightened workplaces are the exceptions. Between them and the stock exchanges of this world, there are plenty of grey-area companies where psychopathy and Machiavellianism can pay off very handsomely. And in the grey-area workplaces, emotional intelligence and empathy are far from being an obvious asset. SUMMARY Emotional Intelligence is crucial in life. It helps you understand people and yourself, get along with people, and bond and connect with people. It also helps you at work. But not in the way it’s usually portrayed. Emotional intelligence helps you to get up to mid-level management. After that, at executive and board levels, different traits come to the fore. Learning how to play politics, including sometimes in potentially Machiavellian ways, becomes more helpful. And what I call “executive skills” matter more than emotional intelligence. This, by the way, could be one of the main reasons why women are still struggling to make it to the very top. Women take emotional intelligence more seriously. And more literally. A Quote to Go By Finally, I’d like to leave you with a quote from “The Good Psychopath Guide“: There are two things that rise to the top. The cream, and the scum. To which, I add: to be the cream, you need to know how the scum operates. Related

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24 2 71 Filed Under: Social Power Theory, Workplace Power Tagged With: emotional intelligence at work, emotional intelligence useless, pscyhopaths in the workplace, psychopahty at work, psychopath work success [Image: lucio founder of the power moves] About the Author: Lucio Buffalmano Lucio is a social scientist, member of APA and a perpetual researcher of human nature. He teaches power dynamics because he believes that to be good, you first need to learn how to be bad. ThePowerMoves.com is where this new breed of leaders come to train. Power University

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You've been randomly selected to try out the new Textise Preview version. Opt in to use this every time. The Preview version features faster loading times and other upcoming improvements. During this extremely difficult time, we at Textise urge everyone to stay safe and adhere to your government's regulations concerning the pandemic. You can get the latest information about the Novel Coronavirus at the World Health Organisation (WHO) site (text-only view). This page has been Textised with the Preview version! The original page address was https://thepowermoves.com/covert-power-moves/ For sharing use ... Here are some options: Back to original page (in this window | in a new window) Convert this page to a PDF Print this page Textise Home Page (full version | text only version) Textise Options Page (choose font size, font colour, etc.) Are you a webmaster? Find out how to easily add Textise to your web site. Skip to main content Underpriced's offer is ending. Price jumps in 12 hours. Enroll before it's too late. The Power Moves Power dynamics, life strategies, and owning your life. Start Here Power Definitions Blog Social Power Dynamics Career Strategies Dating For Women Dating For Men Relationships Resources Speed Learning Power University Seduction University Forum Join In!

6 Covert Power Moves to Control Frames February 8, 2019 By Lucio Buffalmano Social power moves increase the social status of the attacker/perpetrator and decrease the status of the receiver/victim. Some of these power moves are obvious and anyone can recognize them as attempts at asserting dominance. But some other social power moves are so common and/or so socially accepted that many don’t even recognize their effects on the dynamics of power. And some people, because they take them at face value, even mistake them for words of submissiveness. I call them “covert power moves” (note: I renamed them from “hidden power moves”). This article will show what these covert power moves are, and what you can do to address them. Contents 1. “I Was Busy“ 2. “I’m Sorry“ 3. “I Don’t Remember You“ 4. “Why Would You Choose to Be Mediocre?” 5. “How Can I Help You“ 6. “That’s Why I Like You“ 7. “You Were Good, So I Reward You” SUMMARY 1. “I Was Busy“ This is one of the most common and pervasive power moves out there. But don’t let the pervasiveness fool you, because this is the rule of thumb: the more people are too busy for you, the more subservient to them you are. This is what “too busy” says: I was busy (with more important things) to take care of your (less important) thing You, or your task, were not high priority enough for them to take care of. “Sorry I was busy” says that they have more important things to do and, ultimately, that they are more important than you (higher social status). But could it be that they were really just too busy? Of course! But even then, it’s still a power move.

Just think about it: would anyone who cares about their job be too busy for their boss? Or for the man/woman of their dreams? Exactly. It’s never a matter of business, it’s always a matter of priority. Telling someone you were too busy is akin to saying “you aren’t high enough a priority”. Similar expressions are: I didn’t have time Sorry if I was late I had to take care of a few things I meant to get back to you, but then a few things came up.. Beating “I Was Too Busy” Imagine this dating scenario: You: Hi Gina, I wrote you the other day to schedule a coffee Her: Yes, sorry I was crazy busy these days Let’s analyze a few ways most people reply to that: You: what were you busy with? This is not ideal because she is now expanding and focusing on everything which is a higher priority than you are. Also, it’s possible that she wasn’t busy with anything, which is forcing her to make up stories now. That reinforces in her mind you are a bothersome man she is bending over backward… In order to avoid. Not what you want. Here is another typical reply: You: No worries, life happens This is the neutral reply. Helping her making excuses takes her off the hook and does not make you a burden. But it’s still not ideal. You are downplaying her non-reply, but you are also still the one down. The best ways to reply are: You: Yeah, I know. Sorry that I didn’t remind you either, sometimes life just gets too hectic It implies she wasn’t high priority enough to pursue harder, and that you too are busy.

You: All cool. I just got back in town from a video shoot and wanted to catch up. (attaches a cool picture) How have you been. This one takes a more active approach to raise his own value. “How have you been” ends with a covert power move of his own, since probably she hasn’t been doing anything that compares to his lifestyle. And if you two aren’t very close, and you’re meeting in person, here is the direct power move reply: You: That’s how life goes most of the times. (looking at her with a fake embarrassed expression) Sorry… I’m really bad with names… Oh yeah right, of course Gina! Handling ith with collaborative frames And, finally, of course, we get the collaborative frame technique. See an example here: I reply one day late as well, and when I say “we can be quicker” I imply that we were both slower. This is a technique of both “pacing & leading”, and “power aligning”: you have the power to keep me waiting, but so do I. And then, the leading part: “give me your private ID, since we can be quicker there”, which is also a win-win. This is a specific technique that applies the more general “enlightened collaborator approach“. 2. “I’m Sorry“ Would you ever think that “I’m sorry” could be a power move? Welcome to The Power Moves! Think of the power dynamics it entails: “sorry” means that someone has hurt you, wronged you, or caused you harm. And, from a social power point of view, power usually rests with the one who has the most power to hurt the other. Imagine all these situations: Her: I’m sorry you felt hurt that I and Max spoke for so long = “I’m sorry (that I am so attractive and above your league that you get hurt because of it)“. Or imagine this one:

Coach: I’m sorry that I yelled at you in front of the team = “I’m sorry that I (can) yelled at you (while you have to take it) in front of the team (and ruined your reputation because I can ruin it). Boss: I’m sorry that I said you’re useless in front of the customer = “I’m sorry I’m the boss and you are the underling, and even if you bring the customers in, I can still pull rank on you any time I want“. And here is a video example from Spread: Him: “I’m sorry for what happened (I called you an asshole, I kicked you out, I called you a whore… I’m sorry” He reminds her that he kicked her out (very dominant) and that he made her feel bad (very powerful). Notice also her reply. She is a very socially skilled woman and doesn’t commit the obvious mistake of saying “it’s OK” or “no problem”. Why would have that been a bad move? Because “it’s OK” would expand the power-down thread, and further confirm his power over her. Instead, she cuts right past the “I’m sorry” power move. Not bad! When There’s No “I’m Sorry”: Only Power Move First example in this video: Beating “I’m Sorry” How do you react to “I’m sorry” power moves? If it’s a power move, don’t say “thank you for saying that”. And of course, don’t look like you were indeed hurt by their behavior, and don’t let the exchange linger on the apology phase for too long. Why not? Because the longer you linger on the “sorry” phase, the more you highlight you’re the one down. Instead, minimize it, rebuild your own status with a quick comment, and then move on quickly. Something like this: You: nono, it’s all good, I’m (doing) great. Anyway, I’ve heard that… ” A good power move reply can also be:

You: I forgive you By saying “I forgive you” you shift the power from them to you. You could decide whether or not to forgive, and you decided to grant absolution. If you want to go down harder, you should make the apology a real apology. Like this: Boss: I’m sorry that I said you’re useless in front of the customer You: Thank you. Do you see why I had to flag that? It was bad for me, of course, but also for us as a company. Boss: I do, and that’s why I’m telling you I’m sorry You: If you understand why it wasn’t cool, then we can move on Boss: Great You: I am really glad to hear that, thank you boss. Back to doing some great stuff together now. Let’s do lunch as soon as we’re free, cheers! The above is tricky if it was your boss since you must keep a good relationship, so calibrate to your power and environment. If it was a colleague, you could go down a bit harder, though. For example, you make him promise that it won’t happen again. For example: “But make sure it won’t happen again please”. Exceptions: When “I’m Sorry” Empowers You There are situations where just “I’m sorry” is enough to rebalance the power. For example, if the coach yelled at you in front of the team and you requested him to apologize to you in front of the whole team again, then it’s your power move. In that case, you can take charge of it and build upon it. Say “it’s OK coach, I’m glad you are making up for it. We can move on”. 3. “I Don’t Remember You“ The dynamic is the same as with being busy: the less someone remembers you, the more important they make themselves to be.

When someone doesn’t remember or, sometimes, pretend they don’t remember you, they are saying that you are a low priority in their life -or that their life is so full of important things that they are obviously higher quality than you are-. The mistake that many do here is trying to feed the power mover with information to help them remember you. When you do that, you are communicating that they are a high priority for you. Dealing With Forgetful Power Movers Look at this scene from the movie “Play the Game”, and reflect on what he is doing wrong:

As he feeds her information about him one issue becomes more and more obvious: she didn’t care enough to remember. On the other hand, he remembered everything about her, thus communicating it was a big thing for him. He is heavily invested, she is not. Also read: What to do when someone pretends not to remember you What To Do When People Pretend They Don’t Know You 4. “Why Would You Choose to Be Mediocre?” This is a covert frame. We will review social frames here through two different types of questions: – Loaded question = a question that presupposes – Leading question = a question that nudges you towards a certain answer They’re not the same, but for our purposes in this lesson, there’s enough overlap that we can consider them together. Both of them are designed to wrestle control of the interaction and push you either into a defensive position or into the option the asker has chosen for you -which rarely if ever is the option you want to be in-. Sometimes loaded questions are obvious, but many more times they are not as easy to spot. An example of a loaded question could be your partner being super emotional and asking you: Her: how could you do such a terrible thing to me If she says it very emotionally her words sound congruent, and many people miss the preconceived frame behind that expression -that’s one of the secrets of women’s relationships control-. The preconceived frame within that expression is that you did do something terrible. Of course, you might have done something bad. But who says it was “terrible”? Maybe it was just “bad” or it was a “terrible mistake”, which is much different than just “terrible”. By accepting the adjective “terrible” though, you are immediately cast as the evil one, and at that point you can only explain, defend and hope to make it up to your partner. Beating Covert Frames Loaded questions are a form of covert frames to nudge you, or trick you, into accepting the interrogator’s frame of reference.

And when you do accept it, it doesn’t even matter how you reply to a leading question. Whether you agree, defend, or push back, you are still buying into their frames. The only way to answer leading questions is by rejecting them. And two particularly effective ways of rejecting the frame are to: 1. Explain you don’t agree with their choice of words and change it to what’s most suitable 2. Explain them -and to everyone around- what their game is (“going meta” technique) You want to use the first one when you want to be kind and understanding. The above example with your partner would look something like this: Her: How could you do such a terrible, terrible mean thing to me Him: Honey, I have no words to say how sorry I am. Let me just say it wasn’t mean, or out of meanness. It’s an issue I have with controlling my spending. And taking your credit card was the biggest mistake of my life. I have an issue I need to cope with, I do realize that. In this case, he didn’t even go after her words in his reply , since that would have led to a different kind of escalation. But embedded in is own reply there is a reframing of the situation from “terrible and mean” to “issue and mistake”. And here is an example with the second one: Calling out the covert power move and explaining it is a very effective technique 5. “How Can I Help You“ It is seemingly nice and polite, but outside of a shop, it’s often now what you want to hear. Here they are framing you like the one who needs help. And the one who needs help might also be the one who has to bend over backward to secure that help. Or, at least, to give something back. 6. “That’s Why I Like You“ This sounds like a compliment, but it’s nothing more than judgment (masked as positive). Remember that judging flows from the most powerful person towards the subordinate? If not check “judge power dynamics“. The person who says they like you is passing judgment towards you. The compliment receiver is basically doing a good job to be liked by the more powerful compliment

giver. Not really an enviable power position, is it. Here is an example from the movie The Wolf of Wall Street: Wolf: That’s why I love you (while he puts his hand around him) Right there you know Di Caprio is the most powerful man in the room. This is also a move Trump often engages in. He often goes around telling people “good job”. He often has no idea whether they are actually doing a good job, because he uses it as a power move only. He even said it to Comey before firing him. When Trump says “good job” he is simply positioning himself as the judge and as the most powerful man who is checking up on others. 7. “You Were Good, So I Reward You” I leave you now with one picture and a few notes. This is for you to think about. How was this a covert power move? How could one handle it successfully? [Image: covert power move example with a linked in post] The answers are in Power University For “credit inflating” also see “the social exchange“. SUMMARY Power and power dynamics are not all about blatant and obvious attacks. As a matter of fact, obvious and blatant attacks are rare. The vast majority of the times, you will be dealing with more nuances power moves like undermining, covert frames, covert power moves, and micro-aggressions. As we saw in this post, sometimes power moves that put you in the one-down hide behind seemingly helpful and kind words. This post helped you recognized -and act- on the more covert power moves. This is a small excerpt from a lesson of Power University. Related

Filed Under: Social Power Moves Tagged With: hidden social power moves, sneaky social games, sneaky social power moves, social games people play [Image: lucio founder of the power moves] About the Author: Lucio Buffalmano Lucio is a social scientist, member of APA and a perpetual researcher of human nature. He teaches power dynamics because he believes that to be good, you first need to learn how to be bad. ThePowerMoves.com is where this new breed of leaders come to train. Power University About Contact T&Cs Privacy Refund Policy Copyright The Power Moves© 2020 · Log in

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Join In! The 7 Archetypes of Dominant Men: Pick Your Style February 11, 2019 By Lucio Buffalmano There are different ways of being dominant. This article will give you an overview of what I call the “archetypes of dominance”. Contents Intro: Dominance Styles Overlap Gender of Dominance #1. The Meatheads (Physical Dominance) #2. The Drill Sergeants #3. The Smart Alec (Holier Than Thou) #4. Masters of The Universe (Cocky & Rich) #5. Upcoming Young Guns (Flash & Cockiness) #6. The Cold-Blooded Icy Men #7. Godfather Style: Been There, Done That What’s Best & What Should You Pick? SUMMARY Intro: Dominance Styles Overlap Before we start, an important note: As we said a few times, all forms and expressions of power overlap and feed into each other. And albeit it’s possible, it’s rare to see someone dominate in one aspect and then being extremely powerless in another. The only exceptions are possibly the purely physical and purely intellectual archetypes. The very top intellectuals don’t back down when someone gets threatening because they have learned to control their mind -and their fears-. And the physically strong who become all-around powerful individuals rarely if ever are total doofuses. Gender of Dominance I used the term “men” in the title, but some of these dominance archetypes and some of this information apply to women as well. Alright, let’s get down to it: #1. The Meatheads (Physical Dominance) Meatheads exert dominance with the threat of physical violence.

Women can (rarely) be in this category, but it’s mostly bigger or violent men. However, don’t think this category is populated exclusively by gym rats, street fighters and criminals. It’s not uncommon to find high flying corporate execs and CEOs to also present a layer of physical intimidation. Trump for example often uses intimidation in his social interactions, both physically (his infamous handshakes) and verbally: PROS We are all wired to fear physical threats and take them seriously. It works at an emotional, primordial level. If you can intimidate someone chances are they won’t bother you because there is quite some truth in what Machiavelli said: it’s better to be feared than to be liked. CONS Relying solely on intimidation and violence rarely gets you far. Pure meatheads indeed tend to populate the lower rungs of social status: even rising to the top of criminal organizations requires brain and deal-making. Also, purely out of a number’s game, intimidation will result in lots of escalations. Escalations tend to cause lots of troubles and little gains. Beating physical dominance: You must show resolve, and that you are not scared. Violence is rare in some of the most important environments of work and socialization and intimidation doesn’t punch. Refer to Power University for more details on handling stated and unstated threats of violence. #2. The Drill Sergeants I’m the boss here: my way or the highway. Now drop and give me 20 Same style as the meatheads. But they have formal authority and are actually very safe. You get drill sergeants in the army of course, but sometimes also in business and, sadly, in some families (controlling and abusive men). TV shows also bank on the allure of unbound, limitless dominance and authority: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gjy_FKODsTM PROS: Some people might physically fear you, while some will tiptoe around you because they’re afraid of triggering your ire. It can also be a good style when you need to get the most out of people in the direst circumstances, and some people do give more with an aggressively demanding boss.

CONS: Many will dislike you, especially those you pick on. Since the sergeant relies on dominance and does not seek buy-in, your power is strictly limited to your domain authority or to a single environment (read: big fish in a small pond) Fathers with this style at home are extremely abusive and ruin their children psychologically (Moore & Gillette, 1990). Finally, some drill sergeants end up looking like they are trying to overcompensate and use aggressive commands to make up for self-doubt and to mask an internal lack of self-esteem. You can see one more example here, with my notes on exactly when you can feel that he is struggling to appear “strong”. Beating drill sergeants: Never go for direct confrontation if you want to stay in their organizations. All these guys have is their formal authority, and if you challenge it, they MUST escalate and/or let you go. As Trump explains in “The Art of The Deal“, excel in the drills (or in your willingness to push hard). Then show no fear but respect for their authority and they will come to respect you as well. Also avoid making it a race where you want to “show them” how strong you are or, worse, how “better than them you are”. That will make them want to keep picking on you until you quit, which is exactly what David Goggins shares in his book. If you’re more of a rebel personality and can’t stand being yelled at, I recommend you do not join organizations with drill sergeants (or work to develop your independence). #3. The Smart Alec (Holier Than Thou)

I know, therefore I dominate Smart alecs work on themselves to portray aloofness and a “better than you” attitude. They use big words, slow speech rate, personal distance, and drop quotes and references like it’s hot to show off their book smarts. They hide behind a facade of knowledge, but don’t be swayed: they are playing the dominance game just like every other power-thirsty individual. Their strategy to social power is elitism and ostracization. They’re sitting on their throne of wisdom, looking down on everyone else who is not equally scholarly, pedantic or condescending. They’re communicating “you’re not as good as I am”. If you’re his fan, don’t take it personally, but Seth Godin is an example of smartalec style: The Aggressive Side of Smart Alec Dominance The smart-alec can take an ugly side when fighting for status and social power.

They get under their opponents’ skin by insinuating they’re not smart or knowledgeable enough to even talk to them. And when the opponent raises his voice or shows signs of distress the smart alec frames him as a brute who can’t hold a conversation. Basically: the angrier you get, the more you confirm their frame -and the deeper you dig your hole-. It’s a highly, highly, gaslighting experience. Edit: If you are interested in this style, I later discovered Ben Shapiro and he’s built his whole media empire on a Smart Alec style. PROS: Most people respect intelligence. And while most people scoff at physical aggression, they find it hard to attack intelligence and knowledge, even when it’s used aggressively. Smart alecs also have easier access to the elites of power and to conferences and forums where the rich and powerful congregate (many rich people like to feel like modern days Medicis, protectors of artists and scientists). CONS: The smart-alec is a very limiting style of dominance. If you raise your voice, get angry, chase money, or act dominant in any other way, you look out of character. They are also unrelatable. People will not want to make friends with you and some will (secretly) despise you. Beating smart alecs: It’s paramount that you don’t take anything personally: they’re too good at getting under your skin. Smart alecs often have big egos, and the highway to unseat them is to insinuate they’re empty balloons of hot hair and big words. A great way to do so? Attack their (lack of) intellectual achievements. You won’t understand the words, but look at this video for 20 seconds and notice how tense the smart alec becomes. It’s pure genius: When Corona -a typical “master of the universe” dominant archetype- raises his index finger, he said, “I will buy you and put you in my garden to write books, maybe you’ll manage to sell one“. That’s a 1 million dollars comeback against a smart alec: insinuating, with facts, that he’s not good at what he supposedly should best at: being an intellectual. That undermines the smart alec’s authority, his social power, and his whole persona. At that point, Corona should have stepped back and then accused the smart alec of being spiteful. But the smart alec manages to get under his skin but calling him “illiterate”, a typical smart-alec move. But what do you do if the smart alec is well accomplished? There is always something you can find. To Seth Godin for example, you would say

that his books are all marketing and zero content, and to write his only good book he had to partner with Steven Pressfield. To Alan Greenspan, another top smart alec, you would say he single-handedly created the financial crisis (not true, but truth matters little when battling smart alecs). [Image: alan greenspan judgemental] Notice the arrogant “I know better than you” expression#4. Masters of The Universe (Cocky & Rich) Aggressive, rich and smart: the world is mine for the taking Masters of the Universe temper their physical aggression with suits and the trappings of more civilized social power. They think of themselves as both smart and strong, and they have the confidence of those who believe that nothing and nobody can stop them. One example of this dominant archetype is Jamie Dimon, CEO of JPMorgan. Dimon said he would beat Trump because he is “as smart and as tough as he is”. But I’m pretty sure Dimon thinks he is actually both smarter and tougher. Dimon, as MTUs often do, also engages in bullying behavior -stay tuned for how to handle bullying from MTUs-. Barry Pepper’s character in The 25h Hour is another example of MTU. Ed Mylett is another example: Notice how he talks about “ripping heads off”, “emasculating people” and barging his way through success. Sure, he says it was a mistake, but he says so after he’s done it. That’s why you don’t want to depend on anyone to repent but you want to learn how to defend yourself and stand your ground. PROS: When they can also achieve domain authority, these are the guys that most reliably reach top dog positions in their businesses and lines of work. After all, mixing civilized aggression, confidence, intelligence and a focus on results is one of the most reliable ways for dominant individuals to get rich and successful. CONS: Since they believe they are limitless, losses can be psychologically devastating on MTUs. Their self-esteem being built around always winning when they lose… They can lose it. Relationships with masters of the universe are rarely deep since they often score high in narcissism. Should You Be a Master of The Universe: It might be tempting as it sounds like a good mix. A bit of the MTUs’ hubris won’t hurt, but ultimately the confidence of MTUs

is built on very fragile foundations: the trappings of success and power. Ideally, you want your personal power to be built around antifragile foundations that are not as dependent on external sources and circumstances. #5. Upcoming Young Guns (Flash & Cockiness) Look at me! Look who’s coming up to overtake you and grab the crown! Upcoming young guns mix physical threat, success & attention-grabbing flash. I call it “young gun” because it’s a style suited for those who are not yet at the top. And once they do get to the top, they tend to ease down into a calmer, wiser style. YGs talk loud and big, dress snazzy, aim to the top and always make a big show. McGregor is one such example. McGregor though kept the YG style even as he reached the pinnacle, and that is also one of the main reasons why he got so popular. PROS: It’s a great style if you need to get your name out. Be crass, make a ruckus, and people will pay attention. And your stock will rise. And if a top dog in your niche takes you up on your challenge, which they often do, you can piggy-ride on their notoriety to get a quick ride to the top (something Greene talks about in The 50th Law of Power). It can also be a good style for building and propping self-esteem, which the constant bragging might help inflate (but that’s also its downside). CONS: After a while, YG antics get tiring and if you don’t keep backing up your talk with your action you can easily get a reputation for a big mouth. The other issue with YGs is the same as meatheads: they frontload their power and show their cards. You know what they’re about and there’s little hidden. That’s a big drawback compared to other styles that can leverage the intimidation factor of mystery (who knows what sort of aces are up their sleeves?). It’s also a very polarizing dominant style, netting you big fans but also lots of enemies drooling at your downfall. Finally, the biggest drawback is the mental crash that follows a loss. After the YGs spent so many times pounding their chests and bragging to the media, how will the media and, most of all, their own ego and self-esteem take the loss? Chances are that it will crush them. Have you seen or heard much from McGregor after his loss to Khabib? Me neither… Beating upcoming young guns: if you’re at the top, don’t make the all too common mistake of addressing YGs. When you take their threats and antics seriously you lower yourself at their level and raise them to yours. Don’t let their games get to you, but if you can’t help it, use the anger as fuel to work harder and longer. Then whoop their assess when the time comes. And after you win, destroy their reputation by calling them “big mouths”.

If you are below a YG in terms of results or social status, don’t try to out-do them at their flashy games unless it comes naturally to you. However, if flamboyance comes naturally to you, copying and out-doing their shenanigans can be a powerful way to mess with their heads (example below). Examples: Valentino Rossi & McGregor Valentino Rossi, a long-dominant figure in motorbike racing, kept a Young Gun attitude even after reaching the top. His career has actually been built on total domination of his adversaries, including the mental domination and physical domination. He used to ridicule, of off-track antics and, sometimes, outright aggression both on tracks and off tracks. See here the key moment when Rossi, in blue, mentally dominated one of his main rivals: I learned hugely from Valentino Rossi’s career on the dynamics of power and dominance. His power moves, his rise to dominance, how he built the biggest fanbase that motorbike racing has ever seen (people are attracted to flashy confidence). And, later, I learned hugely from his mistakes and his fall from grace as well, including the weaknesses of the YG dominance style. As Valentino got older, the adversaries who wanted to unsettle him tried his own flashy games against him (Jorge Lorenzo). That’s the technique of “mirror your adversaries” in The 48 Laws of Power and, often, it worked (this is an example of Lorenzo provoking Rossi and copying his offtrack antics. Here Marc Marquez overtakes Rossi going outside the tarmac, which was spoofing the historical overtake that Rossi had done in the video you saw above. Rossi seemed to react well, but the peace was not going to last long. These two had some of the most bitter downfalls in the history of racing, culminating with Valentino Rossi kicking Marquez in the most dramatic scene the sport has ever seen: Marquez had managed to get under Rossi’s skin -and I say that as a huge Rossi fan. However, it’s not so much to Marquez’s credit. It’s indeed often very easy to get under YG’s skins when they starting losing their grip on dominance. The stories of Rossi and Mcgregor are very similar, as they are both similar to many other rises and falls of YG. The Exception: When The YG Stays on Top Muhammad Ali was also an eternal YG. But he escaped the crash and burn common to most YG dominance archetypes. Why? Because in most people’s mind he was never unsettled by a later upcomer.

Ali won his last bout and people only remembered and associated his bragging with the victories, and not with his losses. [Image: mohammad Ail dominating on the ring] #6. The Cold-Blooded Icy Men I say hi now, kill you later and won’t feel a thing. Icy dominant men look like steel men with no emotions. They could smile at you now, kill you in half an hour, and don’t feel a thing. Putin is the best such example, and a one in a generation man when it comes to social power. Obama is a shrewd, a smart man and he plays his own power games –Obama power games-. But he couldn’t hold a candle to Putin. Donald Trump made of domination his winning formula, and the first time I saw Trump with Putin was the first time I saw Trump kissing up to someone. Look at how his expressionless face makes people crow: Both Obama and Trump ended up kissing up to Putin. If you have seen the movie “The 25th Hour”, the Russian mobster there also has a cold-blooded dominant style. PROS: It makes people kiss up to you and it’s one of the most powerful styles to make people fear you (Machiavelli in The Prince famously said that for a monarch being feared is better than being liked). CONS: It’s no fun. And it’s not easy to make friends. It must be your type of character, or you’ll end up miserable under the burden of such a heavy mask. Somewhat best suited for psychopaths, sociopaths, emotionally unavailable men and individuals from cultures that scorn emotional expressions. Beating cold-blooded dominance: Their power is in the vacuum they create. They don’t smile, don’t joke, don’t touch you, don’t talk to you. And the tendency for us is to do something.. Anything to fill the void. Smile, talk, crack a joke… But they won’t smile back and it that will make you look like you’re kissing up to them. Successfully dealing with icy men means you must become an icy man: cold and distant. If not, you will end up trying too hard to win their sympathy. #7. Godfather Style: Been There, Done That

I’m calm and laid back because I’ve been doing this for a minute, young pup Finally, we get to the crowning of social power. With little to prove and long experience behind them, these guys are the ultimate archetypes of dominance. They mix the knowledge and intellectual power of long experience with the coercive power of their goons and the power of the many (financial and non-financial) resources they accumulated. They follow the law of social effort, one of the fundamental laws of power. Such as, they get people to move for them with the smallest gesture (also read: the social exchange theory) while they themselves move little and slowly. PROS: People respect you and admire you. It’s one of the few styles that can make people both like you, fear you and wish they were you at the same time. Exactly as it’s the case for the Godfather. CONS: It’s difficult rising to power with this status. You should probably instead ease into this style after you’ve already reached a certain level of power. What’s Best & What Should You Pick? Different styles suit different personalities, situations, and different stages of life. Most of all though, I recommend you decide depending on your personality. In terms of power, on average, the more masculine type who speaks and moves less will always appear more powerful, influential, and authoritative than the ones making a big show (ie.: young guns and jesters). For Men Within our current society and to enjoy a good social life I would probably recommend you develop the social skills of the social charmers -you’re doing it with this course- (note: I cut this dominance style out on this article to keep it brief, but it’s basically the style of George Clooney and Bill Clinton, also read How to Be Charming). And then add a bit of a charismatic edge or a touch of the Master of The Universe’s confidence and dominance (also read: how to be charismatic). I recommend you to specialize in one or two realms in life so that you can develop domain authority in your line of work. But I also recommend you not to let any aspect fall so farther back that they will hold you back. Because when that happens, you leave behind a big Achilles heel which then becomes your biggest ballast.

That is the case for the Smart Alecs and for the Meatheads, both going too far in one direction without compensating. Respectively: the Smart Alecs disregard the physical too much. And the Meatheads disregard the intellectual too much. When that happens, you become a one-trick pony completely powerless outside of your element. Great to go as high as possible in a very specific domain, but not good for social power and an all-around successful life. For Women Whenever we’re talking about “dominance”, we are slightly more in the males’ realm. But domain authority is also important for women if they want to become financially independent, build a good career and/or achieve specific goals in life. And the “dandy” dominant style can apply to women as much as to men (see “Power University” fo the dandy style). Female readers can also take something from the charmers’ style -albeit slightly less direct and outspoken- and the seducers -albeit less “hunter-style” and in a more coquettish way-. SUMMARY There are many styles of dominance and no matter your limitations, nothing precludes you from becoming a socially powerful, respected individual. This is an excerpt from Power University. Related

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Filed Under: Social Power Moves, Social Power Theory Tagged With: dominance archetypes, dominance styles, how to be dominant, styles of dominance, types of dominant men [Image: lucio founder of the power moves] About the Author: Lucio Buffalmano Lucio is a social scientist, member of APA and a perpetual researcher of human nature. He teaches power dynamics because he believes that to be good, you first need to learn how to be bad.

ThePowerMoves.com is where this new breed of leaders come to train. Power University About Contact T&Cs Privacy Refund Policy Copyright The Power Moves© 2020 · Log in

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You've been randomly selected to try out the new Textise Preview version. Opt in to use this every time. The Preview version features faster loading times and other upcoming improvements. During this extremely difficult time, we at Textise urge everyone to stay safe and adhere to your government's regulations concerning the pandemic. You can get the latest information about the Novel Coronavirus at the World Health Organisation (WHO) site (text-only view). This page has been Textised with the Preview version! The original page address was https://thepowermoves.com/vulnerability-and-power/ For sharing use ... Here are some options: Back to original page (in this window | in a new window) Convert this page to a PDF Print this page Textise Home Page (full version | text only version) Textise Options Page (choose font size, font colour, etc.) Are you a webmaster? Find out how to easily add Textise to your web site. Skip to main content Underpriced's offer is ending. Price jumps in 12 hours. Enroll before it's too late. The Power Moves Power dynamics, life strategies, and owning your life. Start Here Power Definitions Blog Social Power Dynamics Career Strategies Dating For Women Dating For Men Relationships Resources Speed Learning Power University Seduction University Forum Join In! Vulnerability Is NOT Power: Don’t Believe The Hype November 27, 2018 By Lucio Buffalmano Vulnerability has become the new mantra of self-development. How to be vulnerable, “showing our true selves” and “removing our masks” are the new signs of strength and power.

But is it true? Will vulnerability make you mentally healthier? And will it make you stronger and more successful? Let’s see. [Image: vulnerability] Contents What’s Vulnerability The Drawbacks of Vulnerability

1. You Can’t Be Vulnerable If You Want to Lead 2. You Can’t Be Vulnerable In Result-Based Organizations 3. You Can’t Be Vulnerable Upon Meeting Someone 4. Some Specific Roles Don’t Allow For Vulnerability Vulnerability & Seduction Vulnerability & Relationships Example of Bad Relationship Vulnerability Vulnerability in Relationship Examples Why People Get Vulnerability Wrong When Vulnerability Works SUMMARY What’s Vulnerability Vulnerability has become a hot topic thanks to the work and Brene Brown, with titles such as “The Gifts of Imperfection” and “Daring Greatly“. And thanks to the (great) work of authors such as Lewis Howes, vulnerability has become more and more popular among men as well. Well… What’s vulnerability, you might ask? Vulnerability is the courage of showing up and being yourself, without a mask, and with all your flaws. If it still sounds fuzzy, it’s because it is. Let’s see some examples of vulnerability to gain more clarity: Talking about your weaknesses Speaking of what embarrasses you Sharing an unpopular opinion Standing up for yourself And so far, so good. And vulnerability is also: Confessing your love Crying in front of people Asking forgiveness Basically, every time that we put our ego on the line and do something that might hurt us, we are being vulnerable.

When we risk embarrassment, public criticism and, the big one when we risk shame, we are being vulnerable. Vulnerability takes courage. Sometimes lots of courage. And people admire the courage of vulnerability. That’s what the vulnerability pundits say, at least. And well, they’re (often) right. So… Should you be vulnerable? No, not so fast. The Drawbacks of Vulnerability There are times in life where vulnerability won’t make you stronger, more admired, or even help you move ahead in life. There are several disadvantages to vulnerability. The obvious one being, guess what? The show of weakness. And when that weakness is “too much”, critical, or not shown and perceived against the backdrop of a stronger, powerful frame… Then you move away from “admirable vulnerability” and into “pathetic weakness”. There is a thin line between vulnerability and pathetic weakness I will show you now a few examples of vulnerability done wrong.

1. You Can’t Be Vulnerable If You Want to Lead Being a good leader, sometimes, means keeping your weaknesses to yourself. This will not be very popular to say, but it’s how it truly works. In this scene from Smokin’ Aces Bateman, the man in the hotel room is supposedly the leader. But by sharing all his vulnerable insecurities he manages to comes across so slimy that he becomes disgusting:

His “vulnerability” sends him straight goes from potential leader to slimy guy This is an especially bad case of vulnerability because he exaggerates his flaws and because they have just met, which compounds the issue. But the general rule still applies: people in leadership positions don’t always have the luxury of vulnerability in front of those whom they lead. The harsh truth of leading people is that, most of the time, you need to keep your personal worries and weaknesses to yourself. When you share your full self with your subordinates, at best, they will think of you as “one of us”. And you can’t be “one of them” with your subordinates. You are not one of them: you are the leader and the one giving them tasks. And at worst, you lose all authority and respect. 2. You Can’t Be Vulnerable In Result-Based Organizations So you can’t be too vulnerable as the leader. Maybe you can be vulnerable with your superiors? Well, a little bit more maybe. But still, not so fast. In any result-based business, too much vulnerability gets you easily labeled as a softy or cry baby. Look at this example from Platoon: You can bet he lost much of his boss’s respect when he showed his vulnerable, scared side. It might not be a coincidence that Brene Brown is a humanistic researcher at university. Brene Brown probably wouldn’t have written about vulnerability if she worked a more cut-throat business (note: this is not to say that university is a bad environment and cut-throat business is). Also read: Executive strategies: coming across as powerful at work Career strategies Mastering office politics 3. You Can’t Be Vulnerable Upon Meeting Someone Anything you do during the first phases of getting to know someone will have outsized consequences? Why? Because people naturally tend to extrapolate information and generalize it to your whole persona. Even just a 20 seconds “opening up” about the hardship of life in the first 2 minutes of conversation will have people unconsciously slap a negative label on you. In short: vulnerability during introductions and early socialization is a big no-no. 4. Some Specific Roles Don’t Allow For Vulnerability There are some roles that almost automatically do not and cannot accept vulnerability in themselves and in others.

Army generals for example, or charismatic leaders during uncertain times. Showing vulnerability when you have one of these roles or when you are interacting with one of these roles will almost automatically murder your status. Here is a good example of vulnerability shown to an individual in an invulnerable role from the movie Paths of Glory:

The roles of army leadership allow for little or no vulnerability Please note, this doesn’t mean that army leaders are invulnerable or “stronger”. They are just as strong -or as weak- as anybody else. It simply means that the expectation in those environments is that you need to hide your vulnerability. And people who don’t hide their vulnerability lose all their social status in those roles and organizations. And it means that if you want to move ahead in those organizations, you gotta play the “hide your vulnerability game”. Vulnerability & Seduction

Brene Brown in Daring Greatly shares the story of a young fella who embraced her vulnerable advice. After dating several months with a woman, this is what happened (the dialogue is my own making from the story):

Him: I love you Her: You’re awesome, but maybe we should start seeing other people The young fella went back to his dorm and told the story to his roommates. This is what happened (dialogue is mine adapted from the story): Roommate 1: What were you thinking man Roommate 2: Women only like men who run the other way Him: I was daring greatly Roommates: (nodding) Right on dude Brene goes on saying that (I paraphrase for brevity): Vulnerability is not about winning or losing. It’s about courage. Vulnerability is subversive and uncomfortable. Even dangerous at times. However, The Power Moves is here to say that sometimes vulnerability, in the wrong situation, can also be counterproductive and boneheaded. Vulnerability might not be about winning or losing. But if you also want to win from time to time, then you would be well served to learn when vulnerability is not the most effective alternative. There was a great example from “Dating in The Dark” that I linked to from here. Unluckily, the video has been removed. But this was the crucial exchange of that video: Girl: what are you looking for? Guy: I’m looking for a girlfriend. I have never had one, so I want to make some experience I admired that guy. And I respect him. But that male respect does not translate well into an effective dating strategy. He didn’t need to say that he has never had a girlfriend. That might lead some women to want to take care of him and make him their baby-lover. But it’s a minority of women and you need to have lots of other qualities. And if you don’t have them or don’t want to be a “babied lover”, then don’t spill all the beans that so much lower your status. Vulnerability & Relationships Many relationships books advising couples to face the demons of vulnerability and opening up about their struggles and insecurities. As much as I believe in supportive and loving relationships, sadly I don’t think you can always be open about everything and anything. At least not without some consequences. Example of Bad Relationship Vulnerability Here are some examples that I paraphrase from a relationship book. It’s a couple fighting because of his jealousy. Here is the dialogue the author suggests: Him: This is not easy to talk about, but I want to try. I know it’s not cool and I don’t know what’s wrong with me but I was feeling some jealousy tonight. You and Matt, you seemed quit close. Both intellectually and physically. I felt hurt and lonely. You know, I have been getting chubbier lately, developing a paunch. I need some reassurance. Do you still find me attractive? I would love it if you’d look at me the way you seemed to be looking at Matt. This was an otherwise great, high-quality book. And still, the author failed on a basic understanding of dating psychology. The author says that such vulnerability would improve the relationship and even make him stronger.

I couldn’t disagree more. That’s the type of bad vulnerability. This is not about momentary weakness. This is deep insecurity and nonexistent self-esteem, a big turnoff. The relationship wouldn’t be stronger and her respect for him would tank. If he wanted to share his jealousy, it would be OK, but I would do it like this: Him: Hey, I need to talk to you about something. The way you were talking and joking with Matt, that felt like flirting to me. I didn’t like it and it made uncomfortable. He might have even shared that “it hurt him”, that might be OK, depending on the type of relationship they have -if he’s the leader and highest value, he would likely lose some value-. But all that part that “he needed reassurance”, that’s the equivalent of asking her “baby me please”. And some relationships can work that way. But it’s more relationships of equals -or her above him-. Not relationships where the woman admires him and thinks the world of him, and not the relationships where she feels like she married the best possible catch. Not those. [Image: superman baby] Sometimes vulnerability only gets you babied! And here is another example of doing vulnerability all wrong, from a female perspective: Her: After the birth of our child I can’t seem to get in shape anymore. I have been 15 kg heavier and I can’t manage to shed it anymore. Those tiramisu cups are too good for me to give up. And worse of all… You don’t seem to look at me like you used to. I’m feeling ugly and unattractive. Even at work, my colleagues are not flirting with me anymore. Not that I care about that, but it’s another signal that I am not as attractive. Can you hold me please? There is nothing wrong with her sharing her need to be held. Quite the opposite. Sharing worries about her weight, that depends on what personality her partner is, especially after she adds that “she can’t manage to shed it and those tiramisu caps are too good”. Men tend to be stricter than women, and especially driven men. My first reaction there would be to ask “how hard have you really tried”. And adding that other men find less attractive is completely unnecessary. Vulnerability in Relationship Examples Yes, women control most relationships. But they don’t respect much the men who let themselves be controlled. Maintaining attraction in relationships, especially for men, has a lot to do with remaining the leader of that relationship. Here is an example of vulnerability done wrong in a relationship: He loses the leadership of the relationship, and he loses relationship power. And yes she will respect him less. Same woman, a different way of expressing vulnerability. In this example he might actually gain some point: Aleksandr looks much more masculine in his vulnerability. He is in a time of crisis, but he doesn’t show low self-esteem by calling himself a “big fat fucking loser”. Instead, he is the kind of successful man, with lots more success potential, going through a tough, high-pressure time. That’s the type of men women want to help because they’re likely to deliver once back on their feet.

Why People Get Vulnerability Wrong People who market vulnerability as the cure to relationships and the best way to present ourselves to the world make a common mistake. And the mistake they make is to blame society -our competitive society in particular- for forcing people to hide their weaknesses. But if we can be ourselves, they say, we will show everyone it’s possible to be ourselves and be loved.

Competitiveness does play a role indeed, but discounting our human nature is a failure to understanding our nature.

The truth is, there is also a lot to gain from hiding our vulnerability. It’s because there is much to gain in hiding weaknesses that hiding weaknesses is the “default setting” for most people. Just think about, in a world where everyone is good at hiding vulnerabilities, the person who admits too much vulnerability will naturally look weaker and dumber and, comparatively, less attractive. On the other hand, in a world where nobody manages to hide their vulnerability, the first human being who managed to hide theirs, would look comparatively stronger, brighter and more secure. A real catch. Hiding vulnerabilities indeed can also help people secure a mate better than they actually are. And that’s the exact reason why people hide weaknesses. Instead, showing too much vulnerability without being able to also market one’s good qualities can lead to a worse partner. And that’s what the peddlers of vulnerability fail to warn people about: vulnerability can be damaging when misused. When Vulnerability Works There are situations where vulnerability can make you more relatable, improve your relationships, and even make you look stronger and sexier. Here are some examples: Admitting fear when everyone else has the same fear When everyone else has the same fear, admitting it first actually makes you more leader-like. I remember once sitting around a table when the book “Games People Play” came up. I said right away that I had to go through it so slowly because it was “way too F complex”. People burst out in laughter and one guy admitted: “man, I’m glad you said that, it was the same for me”. If nobody had shared the uncomfortable truth, we’d all been left with a big lie and failed to really connect. When you’re strong, a weakness makes you more relatable Research shows that when people who seem “too good” make a mistake or show vulnerability, they are much more liked (example of Johnny Depp). This goes back to the example above on jealousy. It can be OK admitting jealousy if you are an otherwise relatively secure, relatively fit, relatively well off person. On the other hand, the worse you are compared to your partner, the more vulnerability is likely to damage you because your partner will unconsciously think “I can do better than this”. In momentary weaknesses An otherwise strong personality having a moment of weakness, then building themselves back up is extremely endearing. Women love it as well in men, as it’s the type of byronic man that only needs a bit of their “fixing”, which hopefully will make him dependent on him as they get to keep an overall awesome guy. When it shows an emotional, human side Vulnerability can show our human, emotional side. Again, women love it, especially when it comes from a man who seemed always so strong and in control. Here is The Godfather: When both are sharing vulnerability, it deepens your bond When both partners are opening and sharing their hearts, opening up will increase trust, bonding, and intimacy. To gain trust and make others open up Revealing a weakness first can be a strategic move to make people comfortable and help them open up. Especially when people seem to put up a wall you, revealing your weakness first can be the best way to show that you provide a welcoming and open environment where to share without judgment. When both feel the same weakness

Have you heard of the impostor syndrome? You have impostor syndrome when you feel like you aren’t good enough to be where you are. But that’s how most people feel! And when you share a weakness that most other people feel -and most will-, then it will indeed make you look braver and more courageous. When your vulnerability doesn’t stop you You know those public speakers who say “my knees are shaking and I’m super nervous” and yet they look like they own the stage? That’s the type of vulnerability people love. Make yourself the kind of person delivers and people will love you for your weaknesses and honest vulnerability. In supportive, intimate close relationships of equals Finally, let’s admit it: a relationship where you can really be yourself is awesome. If you develop that kind of relationship with your partner, then be your vulnerable self. However, these relationships should be partnerships of equals. If he or, more rarely, she is the leader of the relationship, too much vulnerability on the leader side will result in a decrease of admiration and respect. Don’t get angry at me for saying it. Don’t hate the players. And actually, don’t hate the game either. That’s just the way it is. That’s just the way we’re wired. In “scorched earth” power moves What’s this? Well, see check the power dictionary for a definition, and see here an example: Vulnerability to checkmate an aggressive superior SUMMARY Vulnerability in the sense of “showing up” and “risking embarrassment” is a worthwhile pursuit and it will empower you. You cannot achieve success without risking failure. And learning to overcome embarrassment as quickly as possible will make you so much stronger. This article is not telling you to avoid vulnerability. You will gain by developing good friendships where you can be as honest as possible. And you can probably gain by welcoming more vulnerability in your close relationships. This article tells you that there are many misuses of vulnerability that will not help you but harm you. And hiding vulnerability in the right moments and places will make you more powerful and effective. Vulnerability is a tool. And as for most tools, a blanket application makes no sense. Understanding it and using it in the right situations instead will serve you well. Related

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Filed Under: Social Power Theory Tagged With: how to be more vulnerable, how to be vulnerable, vulnerability, vulnerability in dating, vulnerability in relationships, vulnerability is weak [Image: lucio founder of the power moves] About the Author: Lucio Buffalmano Lucio is a social scientist, member of APA and a perpetual researcher of human nature. He teaches power dynamics because he believes that to be good, you first need to learn how to be bad.

ThePowerMoves.com is where this new breed of leaders come to train. Power University About Contact T&Cs Privacy Refund Policy Copyright The Power Moves© 2020 · Log in

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You've been randomly selected to try out the new Textise Preview version. Opt in to use this every time. The Preview version features faster loading times and other upcoming improvements. During this extremely difficult time, we at Textise urge everyone to stay safe and adhere to your government's regulations concerning the pandemic. You can get the latest information about the Novel Coronavirus at the World Health Organisation (WHO) site (text-only view). This page has been Textised with the Preview version! The original page address was https://thepowermoves.com/value-and-availability/ For sharing use ... Here are some options: Back to original page (in this window | in a new window) Convert this page to a PDF Print this page Textise Home Page (full version | text only version) Textise Options Page (choose font size, font colour, etc.) Are you a webmaster? Find out how to easily add Textise to your web site. Skip to main content Underpriced's offer is ending. Price jumps in 24 hours. Enroll before it's too late. The Power Moves Power dynamics, life strategies, and owning your life. Start Here Power Definitions Blog Social Power Dynamics Career Strategies Dating For Women Dating For Men Relationships Resources Speed Learning Power University Seduction University Forum Join In!

Value & Availability: Two Foundations of Social Dynamics February 28, 2018 By Lucio Buffalmano Value and availability are two key concepts of social skills. They have important consequences both for your social success and for your dating success. Yes, this might sound a bit theoretical, but you still need a solid grasp on them to learn and understand social dynamics and to increase your mating intelligence.

Contents Value & Availability: The Theory Unavailability and Self Rejection Fixing Availability Issues People Want With The Highest Available Person Possible The Value & Availability Matrix Low Value / Low Availability Low Value / High Availability High Value / Low Availability High Value / High Availability Availability Influences Value Maximizing Your Results Increasing Your Value Maximizing Your Availability Availability in Dating Being a Challenge: The A/V Sweet-spot Gauging Your A/V Sweetspot Super High Value / High Availability Self-Rejection To Make Them Chase Summary Value & Availability: The Theory In The Rule of Social Exchange we explained social dynamics can be seen as a big exchange. In a nutshell, the Rule of Social Exchange postulates that the more value you have, the more you can get. But it’s not always that straightforward. And there’s a caveat. The caveat is: how available that value is. Let’s start with the origin first. Who Came Up With The Concept Value and availability were originally theorized in pick-up and seduction circles by Sebastian, a former dating coach in New York.

It was originally called “value and attainability”, a term that David Tian and Chase Amante, author of “How to Make Girls Chase“, also contributed to popularize the concept. My contribution is to enlarge the concept from dating to all social interactions, and to make it part of larger power-strategies that I call “collaborative frames” and “power and warmth“. I also rename “value and availability” because it’s just more intuitive. Value and Availability: Explanation Imagine the bars below represent the total value of three different folks: [Image: social value bars] In a digital world free of psychology, both Amber and Christy want Black and pursue black. And Black could easily get friendship, romance or at least a warm welcome by both Amber and Coffe. But in the real world, it’s not as straightforward. People also have a sense for what their personal value is, and they know that higher value people might not be thrilled to hobnob with them. That’s why Amber and Christy might want Black, but not pursue Black. They might act aloof, snub him, or even be curt towards him so to reject him first. That’s a case of self-rejection. If you are high value, self-rejection happens when people don’t think you will accept them, and they self-reject themselves before you do so. In the above example, Amber and Christy might think Black is not interested in them, so they self-reject themselves. It’s also possible that self-reject turns confrontational. Amber and Christy might be hurt by Black’s (potential) rejection, so they act out their own rejection with their own unfriendly and dismissive behavior. In short, it doesn’t just matter how high-value you are. High value might not be enough, because people only want to enter a meaningful social exchange if they believe that your value is available to them. That, in a nutshell, is the concept of perceived value availability. And that’s one of the reasons why I recommend that as you get better, you mix power with warmth. Value Availability What does “making your value available means”? Well, think of it this way:

Making your value available means “welcoming people into your highervalue world” and making them feel accepted and valued for who they are.

That’s true no matter if we are talking about a relationship, a friendship, a networking event, or a seduction. Let’s now explore value and availability with an example. Unavailability and Self Rejection Imagine Amber (bar A) is out at an event and wants to talk to someone. But Amber will likely not go for Black because the difference with Black (bar B) is too big. Amber thinks it’s likely Black will reject her because Black is “too good”. That’s a typical case of self-rejection. Remember that self-rejection happens when we feel someone might reject us and we reject them first. People who self-reject take themselves out of the running, often unconsciously, without even trying. People who self-reject do so either to protect our ego, which doesn’t help them succeed in life, or to protect their social standing, which can make sense in case of a possible public rejection. Self-Rejection Types How do you recognize if you are pushing someone into self-rejection? These are some of the signs: Ignoring you Being in awe and too nervous to speak to you Disliking you (even if they haven’t spoken to you yet) Being rude to you (they feel hurt, you make them feel “not good enough”, so they hurt you back) And that’s also one of the reasons why when dealing with underminers, frenemies, or early enemies, I often recommend trying to be kind and collaborative with them first. Many of those people are in self-rejection and you can turn them around if you make them feel like you do not reject them, but value them.

Self-Rejection & Teasing Too Much Now, what if Black were to approach Amber? Well, Amber might be elated (and nervous at the same time). But she might not take him seriously, wondering if he’s toying with her. It’s also possible though that Amber will be rude or shut Black down. Afraid of being eventually hurt or let down by Black, she does the rejection first.

The worst thing Black could do is to tease her too much. Too many guys focus only on building their value as high as possible and coming across as powerful as possible, but forget about availability. Seen an example here: She liked him! But he keeps being playing too hard to get, too aloof, too rude as well. She thinks she does not like him, and she self-rejects. Self rejections tend to be final, so one must always strive to prevent them: Fixing Availability Issues If Black wanted to have a deeper interaction with Amber he should make her feel like he accepts and respects her. Ideally, that he values her. And, if he likes her romantically, also that he likes and is attracted to her. Black could either come down to her level -for example with humbleness, deprecation or vulnerability- or, even better, raise Amber to his level -getting to know her, appreciating her etc.People Want With The Highest Available Person Possible Do you know the red pill? If you have been reading manosphere blogs, you know the mantra around the “female hypergamy“. The idea is that since women look for the best possible men they can find, then you can never trust women in relationships. But albeit female hypergamy is certainly real, it’s not exactly true that women or men- always look for the best possible mate. Instead, people seek the highest possible mate among the ones they feel are available for them (ie.: the ones they feel they can get and the ones they feel will appreciate them). Much different. From even before the approach, people will always be gauging how valuable the other person is and how available he is. And during the interaction people use the following signals to gauge availability: Availability Signs Warmth Friendliness Touching Effort (to keep the conversation going for example)

Interest in the other Unavailability Signs Coldness Aloofness Physical distance No effort (let the conversation die for example) No interest (no questions, looking away etc.) On the extreme end, unavailable signs become repulsion instead of no attraction. Then it’s aggression, disgust etc. The Value & Availability Matrix To make the Value and Availability concept clearer, let’s project it onto a matrix: [Image: social value matrix] Low Value / Low Availability People in this box aren’t even on the map in either the social or dating world. They have no quality or skills worth of notice and are unfriendly and socially clueless. Low Value / High Availability On the extreme side in this box, imagine fangirls screaming “pick me, pick me” under a singer’s stage: super available and low value because there’s a hundred of them.

On a more day to day basis, these are people with little going on in their life. They’re always free for you and are the most likely to chase you. High Value / Low Availability These are the people we call haughty, pompous and full of themselves. Low availability can make the people around jealous and resentful. That’s one of the reasons why celebs have so many “haters”. High Value / High Availability These are people who are high value and welcoming. They make the people around feel accepted and high value as well. Bill Clinton is a great example: Availability Influences Value Value is also influenced by the availability of the value itself. Indeed, psychologically, we are programmed to use availability as a shortcut for value. If something is abundant, we find it less valuable.

If on the other hand something is scarce, our brain tells us that it must be valuable and we want it more (also see Cialdini). Hence, it is possible to make our value go up by faking scarcity. A famous experiment (effects of supply and demand) found out scarcity increases perceived value in the following order: 1. What’s scarce 2. What has become scarce 3. What has become scarce because of social demand Maximizing Your Results To maximize your results, you should increase your value and find the sweet spot for availability. Increasing Your Value Increasing your value should be the core of your efforts. And it means you become a better person and get more of what other people value. Maximizing Your Availability The availability sweetspot is this: Available enough so that people don’t self reject Scarce enough that you’re still a challenge.

The availability sweetspot It’s usually less relevant in social settings and friendships where it’s best to add value to each other-. It’s a bit less relevant in good and established relationships -where it’s best to add value to each other-. But it’s very relevant in the beginning of dating: Availability in Dating The idea of being scarce to be more attractive is an old one. Virtually all female dating advice center around being scarce to make him chase. It works in principle. But has several drawbacks, most notably: 1. You risk the target will stop pursuing (self-rejection) 2. It’s a game everyone plays: more available singles can steal your lunch Let’s not go into that now but let’s have an overview on availability: Being a Challenge: The A/V Sweet-spot [Image: peephole: value and attainability]

Imagine your availability as a peephole to your value. If what people see is good (your value) and if it’s visible enough (your availability), then it’s exciting and people will want to get it. If people can’t see any light at the end of that peephole (zero availability), you’re too hard to get and they won’t pursue you because they don’t think they have a shot (except of stalkers of course). Gauging Your A/V Sweetspot Remember this: Your value is relative (social value relativity & sexual market value variability) People’s confidence in their ability to access your value varies What does that mean? It means that you cannot stick with the same strategy with everyone, but you must vary and target your value and availability to the specific person and situation. To do that, emotional intelligence and knowing some basics of body language is key.

The rule of thumb is: Bitterness / Rudeness When people are bitter and combative towards you, they might be self-rejecting. Be less of a challenge. Lukewarm / Unresponsive When people are not interested in they’ll be rather nice as they don’t want to hurt your feelings. But they will not want to meet you or move with you. If that’s the case, you should be more of a challenge. Super High Value / High Availability Ideally, the best of the best is to be so great as to wow someone upon approach (super high value and at risk of self-rejection). And then proceed to make yourself more available by taking the edge off of yourself with humility and self-deprecation. Or even better: build him/her up to your level so that he/she feels he has a shot with you. On a social scale, this is exactly what Clinton was doing. Self-Rejection To Make Them Chase As a last note, I wanted to show you a high-level use of self-rejection. When someone is being a bit out of order, you can choose to ignore, tell them that’s not cool or… You can self reject.

If they like you, that will get them chasing. See a perfect example here: Did you spot the guy’s (fake) self-rejection? It’s rather easy, at minute 2:07. Summary Your value, be it your overall value or your sexual market value, are crucial to do well with others. You knew that already. However, people will often judge your value depending on how available it is for them. If they think you don’t wanna share your value by talking to them, helping them, being kind to them, or sleeping them, they might either avoid you, despise you, or self-reject and never even consider you as a sexual option. Socially To make friends, make your social value easy to access -ie.: be approachable and welcoming-. Also read: mix warmth with power. Romantically Romantically, make your value available enough they feel they can get it but not so available they think you’re too easy. Related

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Filed Under: Dating, Dating For Her, Dating For Him, Social Power Theory, Social Skills Tagged With: basics of social dynamics, social dynamics theory, social knowledge, social theory, social value, value and availability

[Image: lucio founder of the power moves] About the Author: Lucio Buffalmano Lucio is a social scientist, member of APA and a perpetual researcher of human nature. He teaches power dynamics because he believes that to be good, you first need to learn how to be bad. ThePowerMoves.com is where this new breed of leaders come to train.

Power University About Contact T&Cs Privacy Refund Policy Copyright The Power Moves© 2020 · Log in

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You've been randomly selected to try out the new Textise Preview version. Opt in to use this every time. The Preview version features faster loading times and other upcoming improvements. During this extremely difficult time, we at Textise urge everyone to stay safe and adhere to your government's regulations concerning the pandemic. You can get the latest information about the Novel Coronavirus at the World Health Organisation (WHO) site (text-only view). This page has been Textised with the Preview version! The original page address was https://thepowermoves.com/how-to-negotiate-a-refund/ For sharing use ... Here are some options: Back to original page (in this window | in a new window) Convert this page to a PDF Print this page Textise Home Page (full version | text only version) Textise Options Page (choose font size, font colour, etc.) Are you a webmaster? Find out how to easily add Textise to your web site. Skip to main content Underpriced's offer is ending. Price jumps in 24 hours. Enroll before it's too late. The Power Moves Power dynamics, life strategies, and owning your life. Start Here Power Definitions Blog Social Power Dynamics Career Strategies Dating For Women Dating For Men Relationships Resources Speed Learning Power University Seduction University Forum Join In! How to Negotiate Unfair Refund Requests: Case Study September 2, 2017 By Lucio Buffalmano People have a right to request refunds. And you should give them back their money if they’re not happy. However, as usual, you meet the assholes who try to take advantage of the system. And they issue unfair refund requests not because they’re unhappy with the product or service, but because they’re trying to scam you. This article takes the side of the seller, but it doesn’t matter much which side you are in. Because it’s the psychology of negotiating that matters. And psychology is the same on both sides. Contents Background: The Unfair Refund Request How to Negotiate Unfair Refunds #1. Shame: The Psychology of Negotiating 2. Master The Time: Control The Negotiation 3. Be Nice: Make An Offer They CAN Refuse 4. Play Dumb and Induce Them Into Mistakes 5. Let The Thief Call The Cops: The Trap

6. Play By The Rules: The Rules Are On Your Side 7. Chill: Beaten Dog Shall Come Back To His Master 8. Grand Finale: a Pat on The Good Boy Back Summary Background: The Unfair Refund Request The refund negotiation we are going to analyze is from a physical product sold on eBay. The Internet indeed is awesome, but one of the few cons is that it also lowered the bar for playing tricks and games. It is indeed far easier to open an unfair refund request behind a screen than in person. Buyers think they can easily get something back with little to no effort, so they exaggerate a small issue or completely make one up. If you are selling online it can be an unnerving hassle because they can open a controversy and leave you a negative public review. Worry not though, the answer is simple: playing the negotiation game better than they do. My Mistake I had uploaded pictures of the iPhone, stated that I wasn’t sure which model it was and told the buyers to judge by themselves and buy based on pictures. Then I put as the title my best guess as to which exact model it was and… Well, my best guess was wrong. Technically, I was probably in the wrong. But morally, I knew I was in the right. How to Negotiate Unfair Refunds Let’s see how you handle it: #1. Shame: The Psychology of Negotiating You want to show yourself fully open to solve the issue, always. You show total openness to stave off any risk of bad feedback and for any possible escalation down the road. At the same time, you also want to throw in there a line to show it’s their mistake too -and make them feel guilty for asking a refund-. Why do you want to instill guilt in them? For two reasons: 1. It makes it more unlikely they will try to damage you 2. They will ask for less (Guilt makes it more likely they’ll ask for less) Just make sure you end with the positive: that you’re willing to help. [Image: refund request: how to reply] 2. Master The Time: Control The Negotiation Your main goals as to controlling the time and letting them wait here are different and this is what you will achieve: Cool Them Off: Out of Sight, Out of Mind We are most adamant about anything which is fresh in our mind (Cialdini: the importance of attention). The day they received the item they’re all excited about it and salivating at the idea of making it an even sweeter deal by getting some cash back too. Slurp! After 3 days though their lives goes on. And now they’re dealing with their partner’s woes, their boss being a bit**, their cat’s diarrhea -that one’s annoying :)- and… And their refund is suddenly less important. After a week… All the more of that! No Answer, No Money If you wait to reply you automatically start venting in their mind the idea they might not be getting anything. This is the power of presuasion at work: faced with nothing, something, even something very small, begins to seem a lot (Cialdini: Pre-Suasion). This will work wonders in lowering their demands and expectation and shift further power on your side. Let them get used to it

This is similar to the “puppy close” principle: as they start using the product more and more, they get used to it -including the issues of the product and the made-up issues of the product-. Plus, they start getting into the mindset they might not be getting anything from you, which will make your negotiation easier. [Image: how to negotiate a refund] [Image: dealing with an unfair refund request example] Note on Deadlines: In some cases, you might be negotiating against a refund deadline. For example, a deadline for refunds or a deadline to leave a feedback. With a looming deadline, you have to make a judgment call as to who’s the party with the most to lose. Secrets of Power Negotiating indeed makes the (correct) point that deadlines favor the party with the most options (and with the least to lose). 3. Be Nice: Make An Offer They CAN Refuse Sounds weird? Hold on for a minute. Once you reply after 5-7 days or after they send you a reminder, you are absolutely nice to them and full of understanding about their situation: again, you want to stave off any chance of receiving a negative feedback. AND you make an offer they don’t actually want: to send the item back. You say Absolutely, I understand your point. I am happy to refund you fully if you send it back in the same good conditions it was sold. You don’t talk about partial refunds at all. You just propose something they don’t want: a return. This will do two great things for you: 1. Show you’re open to solving the issue (will do wonders in case of a controversy) 2. Force them to refuse your offer -similar to Rejection & Retreat technique, a refusal of your gentle offer will give you negotiation points to spend later3. Suddenly makes something, however small, look great in comparison to something negative (Law of Contrast) Chris Voss in Never Split the Difference says that a great way to negotiate is to make the other person feel empowered. When you empower someone to say no, chances are they will be kinder to you just (and at the very least, they will not start behaving like a cornered rat). [Image: replying to an unfair refund request example] 4. Play Dumb and Induce Them Into Mistakes Note that I say “pick the cheapest shipping option“. It’s because I know this guy is not experienced and he’s obviously a pinch-penny if he’s playing games to get a few bucks refunded. Pretend you’re also clueless and naive, and if he actually goes for the cheapest option it will be a non tracked package and he won’t have any proof he actually sent the the item back. If he has no proof he sent back the item, you have him. Albeit I feel he’s being dishonest I don’t necessarily wanna rip him off back, but I do wanna give myself all the chances I can of succeeding. And I’m covering my a** in case he decided to send back an empty package or broken item (a common Paypal fraud). Also, and most importantly since I strongly doubt he wants to send the phone back, by offering something he doesn’t want I’m nudging him exactly where I want him: either giving up or opening up a controversy. Once we go into official channels, I know things are more likely to turn positively for me. NOTE: ONLY use these moves if you’re convinced of being in the right and/or if you’re convinced the other person is playing games on you and deserves it. You can get rich and powerful, but you’ll never be a great man if your aim is to swindle honest people. 5. Let The Thief Call The Cops: The Trap

Notice you nudge them into an official controversy, you don’t scream to their face to do it. If you said right away “go ahead, open a controversy” it will sound like you are threatening them and that they have no chance to win. When people feel they have no chance, their only chance is to lash out, and you don’t want that (in this case, negative feedback). Robert Green in the 48 Laws of Power says the best deceptions are the ones that seem to give the others a choice: let them feel like it’s their choice to escalate. Once they open an official controversy they dig their own grave. You get the power that be on your side and you will have a much stronger case once they realize a controversy is a poor option for them-. [Image: unfair refund request text example] Plan to the end: Just make sure you’re in the “legal” right here, which is often not the same as the moral one. I knew, for example, Ebay was going to take my offer of full refund very well and likely propose the buyer to send it back. 6. Play By The Rules: The Rules Are On Your Side Once they make a mistake or open an official controversy you’re in a much stronger position. In this case, with an open controversy, say -or imply as in this case- you will play by the rules and will accept whatever comes out of it. Easy for you, you know you’re gonna win! But saying it explicitly will do great things for you: Make a good showing for the people who will be reviewing the case Stack in your favor the law of reciprocation: you stick by the rules and accept the results in stride, they’ll feel compelled to be doing the same later on [Image: controversy management example] 7. Chill: Beaten Dog Shall Come Back To His Master Again, do not proactively propose anything but let them get back to you with the tail between their legs once they realize it’s not gonna get well with them. The power is now swinging more and more in your camp, and the beauty of it is that they have no reason to lash out or leave any negative feedback: you’ve done nothing but being a friendly chap! Look what a big U-turn this was: all his big complaints and demands turned into a little begging: [Image: winning a refund request example] Just LOL Notice that you can get two scenarios at this point: Some beaten down former big-mouth now begging for some pocket change or A cornered angry animal who’s resentful towards you. All our openings and willingness to cooperate have been for us to get the former scenario. The latter scenario is what the hard-headed sellers or the stickler for the rules will end up with. They get an unfair refund request, they jump up with their clenched fists in the air and scream “I shall not yield“. And yield they won’t, save ending up angry and unhappy and with a bunch of easily avoidable negative feedback (I had a few such sellers and might make an article on exactly that in the future). 8. Grand Finale: a Pat on The Good Boy Back You got it. If your customers still have the right to leave you a feedback and if the controversy doesn’t allow you to remove a negative one you might still want to appease them. Drive a bargain or ask for something back and do it in friendliness. In my case, I gave him the full 20 in exchange of mutually canceling the transaction, which saves me more than the 20 I gave him back. Win-Win. [Image: winning an unfair refund request example]

Note: Notice how I am actually nicer and more open here at the end than I have ever been before. At the beginning indeed you don’t want to embolden your sneaky customer with too many niceties because you never want to appear in retreat, scared, or backing down. But once it’s crystal clear who’s “won” you want to pander to his feelings and build him back up. Remember: it’s good for the feedback, but mostly it’s good for your own moral compass. There’s little to gain or teach in piling up on an already vanquished man. And you want to make friends, no enemies. [Image: unfair refund request: the feedback] Be bold in battle, relentless in defeat, but magnanimous in victory. Summary When facing an unfair refund request, always keep cool and never let it get to you. Here’s a nice idea: use it as a practice to test and improve your negotiation skills. Then: Highlight it’s also their mistake AND be open to refund Let them wait, and then: Don’t offer partial refund but only full refund IF they send it back in good conditions, thus: You gently move them towards either giving up or an official escalation. Once fully escalated: Let them come to you with a lowered request Propose less than what they asked or ask something back Congratulations on getting this new skill under your belt and spread around the world the message that sneakiness doesn’t pay :). You Might Also Be Interested In: Lowball: the psychology of driving a bargain Related

Filed Under: Influence & Persuasion, Social Power Moves Tagged With: dealing with unfair refund request, negotiate an unfair refund request, negotiate unfair chargebacks, Negotiation Power Moves, negotiation refund requests, online refund request negotiation, unfair refund request negotiation [Image: lucio founder of the power moves] About the Author: Lucio Buffalmano Lucio is a social scientist, member of APA and a perpetual researcher of human nature. He teaches power dynamics because he believes that to be good, you first need to learn how to be bad. ThePowerMoves.com is where this new breed of leaders come to train. Power University About Contact T&Cs Privacy Refund Policy Copyright The Power Moves© 2020 · Log in

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10 Techniques for Strategic Self-Promotion At Work April 14, 2020 By Lucio Buffalmano Self-promotion at work includes any activity, time, and resources, that you devote to networking, promoting your work, and generally “getting your name out”. This lesson helps you maximize your self-promotion efforts at work. [Image: businessman holding "sell yourself" card] Contents

Self-Promotion With Your Boss 1. Romance your work 2. Don’t let him see you bleed 3. Make your work more visible Creating Opportunities 1. Elevator’s pitches 2. Kitchenette power moves Strategic Self-Promotion 1. Let them hear you shine 2. Leverage storytelling for self-promotion 3. Go the whiteboard to share a strong idea 4. Be the first to applaud (& ask questions) 5. More tips The Rules of Self-Promotion Low-Visibility Work: Prioritize Self-Promotion Self-Promotion for Career Level SUMMARY

Self-Promotion With Your Boss In most cases, the relationship with your boss is the most important workrelationship you will ever have. 1. Romance your work Being quick is good… In general. But if you are too quick, then he might think the job was too easy and your results will also look less impressive. You want your boss to think you are quick because you are good, not because the job happened to be easy. The solution is to “romance” the process and sell it as part of your personal branding. A good way of doing it is to use some storytelling and incorporate the difficulties you have overcome:

You: Boss, I am done with the job. The information wasn’t immediately available so I asked Brian from accounting. Some of the figures were missing, but fortunately I could secure a meeting with Cristina and piece together all the missing data -she’s wonderful by the way-. Here is the final result.. Or, if you do something for him: You: The IT department was backed up, but I’m happy to report that I convinced the them to repair your laptop ahead of several other requests. Here it is. I knew you would need it before you left on your trip. 1.2. Break up your achievements Imagine you say the following: You: The project is completed within budget and ahead of schedule And your boss will think “very good”. Now imagine you tell your boss the following: You: Good morning boss. Tonight the application went live. The project is completed ahead of schedule -one week in advance to be precise-. Thanks to that reduction of head count I talked you about we also managed to finish within budget. And we also met all quality requirements. Now your boss thinks “schedule, check; budget, check; quality, check”. “wow!”. Research confirms what intuition suggests: breaking up accomplishments make them seem more impressive as compared to lumping them up. And if you are writing an email? Write your accomplishments in bullet points, so they will further stand out. And remember that the opposite is true: lumping up bad news to minimize their effect. 1.3. Put a positive spin on things Here are some examples: Negative Spin I could have done a better job to remain under budget. I didn’t manage to make it within budget

Positive Spin

It has cost us some more, but we completed the project ahead of schedule. We finished on time, and almost within

budget I wish I researched his background before making the final decision to hire him

Although he proved to be a bad match for the team, we learned now who we really want

“You’re right, I might not be the right person for the job—I don’t possess all the qualifications listed

“True, I might not have all the qualifications listed, but correct me if I’m wrong, experience doing this kind of work is what you’re looking for, and as we’ve seen, I have that

2. Don’t let him see you bleed Effective self-promotion means showing how good you are… While hiding your fuck ups. I remember my very first job, initially supporting a project manager before eventually taking that project over. I had managed to send the wrong email with all the “important” heavy-hitters in CC. The project manager was furious. He called me up and reamed me on the phone. That was the biggest scolding of my career. Actually, of my life. But if you had heard the conversation just listening to me, you would have thought that was the weirdest conversation ever. This is how it went: PM: (very angry) Think before you hit “send”, THINK! Are you able to THINK! Me: (very calm) Yes, I think I am PM: Who else was in CC, was it Andy in there too? Me: (very calm) I think he was, yes PM: (yelling) What the fuck were you thinking, ANDY was there, you sent ANDY the wrong report on MY project! Do you know who are they going to blame? Me: (very calm) Well, I think me PM: (yelling) No, because you’re a fucking junior who can’t do shit and they will blame ME! Me: (very calm) Hmmmm yeah, maybe you’re right And so on. You will notice there was no “I’m sorry” in there. I just let him yell on the phone and just kept saying “yeah, yeah, you’re right… “. When he was done yelling. I got up, picked up my mobile, and called the project manager back. I apologized profusely, told him how I was going to make amend… And also told him I wasn’t comfortable with his tone. Why did I do that move?

Because the first call was on the desk phone and with my boss sitting nearby. And my boss never got to know of my blunder. My boss wasn’t directly involved with my work, and he strategically missed quite a few blunders of mine. A few weeks later I ended that assignment with an “exceeds” in my evaluation. Had my boss known of all my blunders or had he gotten from me the “non-romanced results”… I don’t think I would have gotten an “exceeds”. Moral of the story: a mistake that your boss hasn’t seen is a mistake that doesn’t exist. 2.2. Generalize failures, point finger at external circumstances Imagine your boss or the program manager asks you the following: “Why wasn’t the project delivered on time?” If you are the project manager, or if you were taking care of it, then the natural tendency is to immediately explain what you did wrong. But wait a second. More than likely, there are plenty of reasons the project wasn’t completed on time that are not your fault. And that’s how you should frame it. For example: You: Yes, it bothers me not to deliver on time as I always do. There are two main reasons why this time the project got delayed. First, Jack quit his job when we needed him the most. And second… After you have provided the extenuating circumstances, then feel free to show that you can also take responsibility. People respect people who own their mistakes. Just put things in perspective first, and own the right amount of blame. 3. Make your work more visible Career coach Marie McIntyre correctly points out that if good work remains invisible, then it’s as if it never existed. And she then proposes the “visibility quadrant”. It’s similar to Stephen Covey‘s time quadrant of effective management, but it applies to how visible your work is: Not Important – Not Visible Your goal with non-important and invisible is just to make sure it won’t break and attract negative attention while you seek to move out of this quadrant ASAP. Tasks in this category: data entry, document filing.

Not Important – Visible Visibility means that you get lots of people’s interaction and/or your work gets lots of visibility from management. This is a great opportunity to network and get your name around. Build a reputation for someone who delivers, and then use the visibility to demand more challenging work. Social skills and political acumen are key here so you can make the most of that visibility. Jobs in this category include: secretaries, receptionists, project coordinators, support staff. Important – Not Visible It’s not bad being here. You can learn a lot, and you can find ways to make your work more visible. Sometimes a good idea can be to look for interesting facts and figures in your tasks and make a report with it. Plus, as we’ve explained above, romanticize your work. Jobs in this category: account management Important – Visible You’re in the right spot. Now it’s time to deliver. It can be a good strategic move to negotiate what you will get before you deliver -see: strategies for rapid career advancement-.

Jobs in this category: sales, management consultants, turnaround specialists, private equity. Creating Opportunities1. Elevator’s pitches [Image: two businessmen shaking hands in the elevator] The elevator’s pitch is a quick introduction of yourself that you can deliver at a moment’s notice. It should seem natural, but only because you rehearsed it plenty of times. Once you deliver it, stop. If the person you can help you, he might provide you with a career-changing opportunity. If not, that’s OK. At the very minimum, you just let a powerful player know that you’re a confident and ambitious player. Executive material. 1.2. Elevator’s ride hunting: creating chance encounters And of course, smart players don’t leave chance encounters to chance.

When you see a top player approaching, slow down. If you see him ahead of you, hurry up. If you think this is too out there to work, think again. I’ve mostly used it for dating, and I ended up meeting and successfully dating plenty of women by maneuvering to make a “chance” encounter happen. Elevator’s rides are also figurative. They don’t have to be “elevator rides”, and probably they aren’t going to be elevator rides. They can be entering the building at the same time, sitting nearby at a cafe, or going to the kitchen when you’re staying late at 9pm (such as easy power move to pull!).

2. Kitchenette power moves Do you know when you meet a superior or some high flyer, in the kitchen or at the water cooler and they ask you “what’s up”? And everyone replies “all good, and how are you”? Well, right there and then people waste a great opportunity to shine. Instead, from now on, prepare your little “shine pitch”: Boss: Hey, how are things You: Things are going great, thank you! I’m very excited on the progress on XYZ project you approved. It’s going better than expected and we may bring in X revenue for the company. That would be a huge win. Then if they show interest, ask for their perspective. You will burn yourself in their minds with extremely positive associations, and you look like an important guy who takes his work very seriously. Upper management material. The trick not to seem try-hard is to look and behave like you truly care. If you make that your “baseline way of being”, then you’re good. If you’re not working on anything exciting, it’s OK. Express happiness and excitement for the job, show you love the company and the big boss will love you. Take Chance Encounters Seriously -Especially If You’re Junior!It’s easy to discount informal encounters as “insignificant”.

But if you are in a low-visibility position, the only way the higher-ups will form an opinion of you is based on chance encounters, presentations, and what other higher-ups say of you. Chance encounters form 1/3 of the higher-ups’ impression of you. And far more if you give little presentations or are not yet known to other higher-ups.

Strategic Self-Promotion1. Let them hear you shine On top of using the phone to wait for the right moment to strike, I sometimes also do it to get some attention. Speaking Italian plus some gesticulation always helps with the ladies. You can do something similar at work as well. When you see from afar a higher-up who’s passing by, for example. Instead of letting him see you smoke or loiter outside the building, pick up the phone and pretend you’re doing business. You can also use the occasion for some indirect flattery: You on the phone: John, please. You know us, StanleyCooper has the great reputation it has because we uphold our values day in, day out

Just make sure you put your phone on mute: you’d hate it if it rang while you played your game :). 2. Leverage storytelling for self-promotion When you blurt out a good idea without any build-up, you are selling your genius short. Just look at the difference between these two approaches: Old You: We could automate the flow with Zapier, my former company did it New You: Alright guys, I have been hearing you all and what you say makes sense. And I have come to this idea, hear me out. What if instead of looking for someone to take over this role, we could get it done, without anyone doing it. Imagine a complete automation of reporting, no time wasted anymore, no more human errors. Here is how it works.. Now everyone will listen. And everyone will remember it was you the one with the solution. Note for Women: Avoid Deflecting Praise Praises bump people up a notch in the hierarchy. That will make women schooled in “power dead even” culture uncomfortable, and she will knock herself back down by deflecting the praise or minimizing. To men, this might look like poor self-esteem -and no executive material-. See: How to act confident at work

3. Go the whiteboard to share a strong idea [Image: man explaining at the whiteboard]

Research shows that the whiteboard gives people a feeling you “own” the idea, and it increases engagement and retention of your words. When you feel you got a genius idea, grab the opportunity to go to the whiteboard. Even if your idea is not accepted, you still score leadership points for the courage of speaking up in front of an audience. 4. Be the first to applaud (& ask questions) This is a tip from Leil Lowndes. And I have tested its effectiveness more than once. Even the most seasoned execs are always looking for applause and support. Friendly applause also suggests to a boss that you’re a loyal ally, which is extremely important in male hierarchical cultures. So when the big guys in your company are giving a presentation: Always sit in front Make questions that make them look good Make sure you are the first to applaud When they’re done, go talk to them and compliment on such an inspirational speech Ask a couple of questions about whatever they talked about 5. More tips Attend company’s parties: absences communicate disloyalty Do go for after-hours, especially if your boss/management will be there Get into the company’s newsletter: make friends with PR / comms, and get a company-wide mention Post wins on Linkedin, and tag your company Like the updates of your boss / founders and share them: trust me, they notice Approach powerful people with something you have in common: research the attendees of the networking events, look up their background, and go talk to them mentioning some commonalities The Rules of Self-Promotion Here are the best promotional strategies, depending on where you’re at, and what you’re working on. High Visibility Work: De-Prioritize Self-Promotion The logic here is simple: if your work is highly visible, then it makes more sense to spend comparatively less on promotion, since the work is already visible, and more time on work, since the results will matter a lot.

The best of all world is high-visibility work, coupled with someone else promoting you. In those cases, you can even self-efface. As a matter of fact, when you overdeliver and someone else is singing your praises, you can use the occasion to self-efface and share credit. And you will look like a dream leader. The reverse of the rule: Donald Trump Donald Trump. Here is a guy with a high visibility job. The economy was growing, the stock market was booming… He could have taken a mild approach to self-promotion, given credit around, congratulated America… And let the results and his team do the PR for him. Instead, he never let up on self-promotion, and he never stopped fighting the press for more good publicity. Given that as a president he should take care of the people instead of selfpromoting, Trump reeked of narcissism and poor leadership. His handling of Coronavirus was poor for the same reason. He focused on the promotional side instead of the containment work. Here is an example: [Image: newspaper accuses trump of too much self-promotion] Trump failure is due to “me self-promotion” in a high-visibility job that needed not promotion, but a focus on work and “us leadership” And here are more examples. Low-Visibility Work: Prioritize Self-Promotion If your tasks have little visibility within the company, to your boss and/or to upper management, then you need to amp your self-promotion. The logic, again, is straightforward: low-visibility work is not going to get you noticed and it’s not going to help you network. So you have to put in extra effort to notice and self-promote. Enter the romancing your work, “kitchenette moments”, elevator power moves, strategic networking, afterhours cocktails, etc. etc. Self-Promotion for Career Level The effort you put on self-promotion also changes depending on career stages. See this table for an overview: Managers need the most self-promotion, CEO the least

Employees: Focus on Work Individual contributors are often promoted based on technical skills and work output. They are also close to their direct managers, which helps their case when it comes to visibility. Managers: Focus on Promotion Research has shown that those who get promoted the most among managers are not the ones that spend a lot of time with their team, but those who spend more time networking outside their teams. Exec: Focus on Work, & Promote With CEO The exec can spend relatively less time on self-promotion because he only has one person to promote to: the CEO. CEO: Let Your Team Promote For You Everyone knows you in the industry, so networking is less critical. When it comes to self-promotion, your business’ results will do most of the talking. The Machiavellian approach is to best to leverage your team for promotion while you look humble, hard-working, and magnanimous. SUMMARY Self-promotion is a critical element of career success. An effective strategy of self-promotion must be tailored to the goal you need to reach, and take into account the publicity you are already getting. The time you devote to self-promotion comes at the expense of actual work, free time, or skills development. So, as for anything else, self-promotion must be strategic, and you want to maximize the efficiency and ROI of your self-promotion. This post helped you understand how, when -and when not- to self-promote for maximum career impact. This is an excerpt from Power University, the workplace module, where you can find more real-life examples and practical advice. Related

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Filed Under: Workplace Power Tagged With: effective office self-promotion, how to self-promote at work, how to sell oneself at work, political self promotion [Image: lucio founder of the power moves] About the Author: Lucio Buffalmano Lucio is a social scientist, member of APA and a perpetual researcher of human nature. He teaches power dynamics because he believes that to be good, you first need to learn how to be bad. ThePowerMoves.com is where this new breed of leaders come to train. Power University About Contact T&Cs Privacy Refund Policy Copyright The Power Moves© 2020 · Log in

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Dirty Debate Tactics (That Win The Presidency) March 25, 2017 By Lucio Buffalmano Dirty debate techniques, sadly, can also be extremely effective debate techniques. And that’s why you must absolutely learn all the possible dirty, unfair, shady and even bullying debating tactics. It is a tenet of this website that we desperately need good people to learn how to play the game dirty. So let’s delve right on, and learn how to do just that. Contents Trump Debate Skills: Overview 10 Dirty Debate Tactics #1. Ignore All Valid Criticism #2. Reframe Weaknesses as Strengths #3. Make Her Follow Your Lead #4. Make Her Agree. Then Show Her Wrong #5. Lure Her In. Then Attack #6. Champion People’s Discontent #7. Speak Over: Seed Doubt in Real Time #8. Get in The Last Word #9. Attack: Force your Opponent to Defend #10. Hide Your Problems Behind Hers Parting Thoughts Trump Debate Skills: Overview Some commentators say Trump has weak debate skills (Example in Quora). Yet not only he won the election, but he also scored major presidential debate wins against Clinton. I believe that many people underestimate Trump debate skills simply because they don’t fit the mainstream idea of “great oratory”, which include large vocabulary, solid content and good structure. And yes, Donald Trump deployed simpler vocabulary, not very deep content and a bit of an erratic structure. But to hell that, he used much deadlier techniques. 10 Dirty Debate Tactics The following dirty debate techniques are based on Trump’s analysis of the first presidential debate, but they can be applied to any debate. #1. Ignore All Valid Criticism

At the beginning of the debate, Hillary tries to frame Trump as the lucky guy who made it thanks to daddy’s money. She does it extremely well, cushioning it in a bigger topic as if it were not a critic but a fact. And she doesn’t sound critical about it so not to estrange richer Americans. But at the same time, she shows that Trump cannot represent the average American. That’s a wonderful move from Clinton. Now most people here would reply: Poor debater: “No, that’s not true I didn’t make it thanks to daddy, but bla bla bla”. What’s the problem with that? When you address the criticism you elevate its importance. Addressing and re-stating the opposing view gives it more air-time and cements the question mark it in people’s minds. Even if you manage to provide a good answer, your opponent is still going to counterattack or, at least, fail to provide support for your side of the story. And that leaves lingering doubt. Look at how Trump does it instead. Trump just gives his own view of the accounts, and does so naturally and smoothly, as if he wasn’t even replying to Clinton’s accusations. Good move. #2. Reframe Weaknesses as Strengths This is the reinterpretation of an old and effective sales technique Hillary tried to frame Trump and his wealth as the product of luck and something that puts him out of touch with ordinary people. Trump reframes his wealth as the sign of business acumen which will allow him to fix the country’s problem. It’s a typical sales tactic to take a weakness and find a way to reframe it as a strength, and a very effective one at that (see Robbins and Tracy).. #3. Make Her Follow Your Lead This was the biggest and sneakiest power move of the whole debate. Trump says: Trump: In all fairness to secretary Clinton, yes? Is that OK?

He is confident and demanding enough to sound dominant, yet adds enough “sweeteners” to make it more likely Clinton will submit. “in all fairness” sounds as if Trump was exempting Clinton from his critic, a nice gesture. He points at her with an open palm, a cross-cultural sign of friendliness. He looks at her with his head tilted down and looking through his forehead -the “forehead bow”-, which is a signal of submission (The Body Language Project). And he nods his head as if to invite Clinton to do the same. Now the natural tendency when someone shows friendly signals is to reciprocate (law of reciprocation), which Clinton does with both verbals -saying yes- and nonverbal signs -nodding her head and smiling, both submissive signs-. Now Trump looks like the leader and Hillary like the follower. That’s only the first part though: #4. Make Her Agree. Then Show Her Wrong Now that Trump has Clinton’s blessing and confirmation he then changes tack. He says: Trump: good, I want you to be very happy That’s a mix of dominance -dominant people move other people around and “take care” of them- with a demeaning touch. And then he proceeds to say Clinton did nothing for thirty years. All with Hillary’s implicit blessing. Prince of Darkness move. Still convinced about the lack of Trump debate skills? #5. Lure Her In. Then Attack “Make other people come to you, use bait if necessary”, says Robert Greene in the 48 Laws of Power. That’s what Trump does when he pretends to ask a question to Hillary. The question is extremely loaded, rhetorically asking Trump: You’ve been doing this for 30 years, why are you just thinking of these solutions right now. Hillary goes to reply, again following Trump’s lead. At that point, Trump strikes again, cutting her off with a dominance “excuse me” as he keeps pushing forward.

The result? Trump looks dominant, Hillary looks dominated. #6. Champion People’s Discontent But Trump doesn’t just look dominant, he also looks passionate, angry and a people’s champion. A truly charismatic leader. He is successfully positioning himself as the champion of the average Joe mad at the political elites. Political dark horses around the world often win elections by riding the wave of mass discontent. Politicians are often slow at changing and tend to cling to the status quo. When waves of discontent and dissatisfaction ripple through nations the charismatic politicians rise to the top. These are the ones who look most honest and passionate and the ones who seem to possess hard and definite answers. In this example, Trump rides that emotional wave. Clinton attacks the tax cuts for the higher earners. Defending lower taxes for the rich is a hard sell to the non-rich majority. This is a thorny argument! Why risk it with logic? Trump charges Clinton for being the typical politician all talk and no action, skirting a thorny topic and at the same time appealing to the disgruntled masses. Very effective. Sure, Trump doesn’t delight people with lofty rhetoric, but emotions trump logic in many a man’s hearts, and that’s one of the most effective weapons of Trump’s debating tactics. #7. Speak Over: Seed Doubt in Real Time Some commentators implied that Trump’s speaking over Clinton’s time was the perfect example of the baseness of Trump debate skills -or lack thereof-. Some others said it was the perfect example of Trump losing his plot and hanging himself. I disagree. A few times he went overboard, but it was overall extremely effective.

7.1 Retorts Some of Trump’s retorts have become defining moments of the election. With one single comeback here he hits Clinton’s at her most debilitating weakness: the idea that she’s crooked and dishonest (“crooked Hillary”, another genius Trump move). If he had politely waited for his time to speak he would have missed on what has become the most famous moment of all televised debates. 7.2 Longer Voice Over Trump takes any occasion he can to talk on Clinton’s speaking time to strengthen his point, weaken her point or muddle the waters to avoid Hillary scores a point. A few more accomplishment of Trump’s voice over. He: Looked like the leader Speaking over someone is what dominant people do. And while it can come across as too overbearing, it’s Hillary who made the mistake of making him look legit. She does it by replying to Trump on HER speaking time, thus acting as a follower and validating his intrusions. Set the agenda by steering the conversation Hillary repeatedly falls for Trump’s interruptions by talking at length of HER issues. On the second debate they spent more time talking about emails -and old topicthan they did about Trump’s video on grabbing women’s vagina which was the newest, hottest, most lethal issue ever. More exposure for Trump, less for Clinton It’s a known human tendency that what’s repeated more often also seem truer, and that works whether or not we are already informed on the facts. It’s called “mere exposure effect“, and works even when we know it’s not true (Fazio, 2015)! By using Hillary’s speaking time Trump also makes his point sound truer, all the while robbing Hillary of that same benefit. #8. Get in The Last Word The recency effect tells us that we remember most what comes first and what comes last (Miller and Campbell).

By often insisting on putting in the last word Trump negates the win for Hillary and allows his point to linger on in people’s minds. 8.1 Quick Retort Look at this example where he uses the last word as a defensive mechanism. Clinton here was the one who made the great pungent retort when she said Clinton: maybe because you didn’t pay any federal income taxes That could have become a key moment of the debate and gone viral… IF she had paused and IF Trump had let it slip (like Hillary would have). But not only Hillary wasn’t shrewd enough to take advantage of it, but Trump also mitigates it with the last word. His retort not as powerful as Hillary’s, but it was extremely effective in taking the edge off Hillary’s zinger. Note: Hillary didn’t pause because she was hell-bent on making a more complex and logical point, which of course nobody remembered. If she had paused instead everyone would have remembered Trump is not paying taxes. In debates simplicity is the ultimate sophistication. 8.2 Longer Speech Again here is another defensive usage of getting the last word in, but with a longer speaking time. Hillary was scoring a major point by making Trump look like he is irrational and making no sense, a very very bad frame for Trump. But by getting in the last word Trump brings the topic back on a serious tone, restate his point as valid and largely negates Hillary a major win. #9. Attack: Force your Opponent to Defend This was another extremely powerful debate tactic by The Donald. Faced with seemingly insurmountable odds, he keeps attacking and, accomplice a meek Hillary, forcing her on the defensive. Watch him in this video using all the last 3 debate techniques combined: interrupt, put in the last word and keep attacking Yes, he is reprehended by the moderator and looks slightly too aggressive. But knowing this was just a few days after the huge scandal of grabbing women by the vagina ask yourself: was he effective in driving Clinton on the defensive?

Was he effective in muddying the water and getting off his huge issue? Was he effective in shifting the agenda onto Hillary’s issue and keeping it there? That’s the result of a master debater, not someone lacking in debate skills. #10. Hide Your Problems Behind Hers Trump handled well many accusations and issues with his campaigns. They called him racist, and he quelled it by visiting black churches, they called him dark, and he shrugged it off by being positive and upbeat. He couldn’t shake the accusation of his tax returns though, and it kept nagging him all along. So what does he do when the conversation turns there? He says he will release his tax returns after Hillary releases her email. Genius! When you cannot shake your issues, remember this: misery loves company! You might not win, but you gotta be strategic: sometimes not losing is like winning.

Parting Thoughts Before you go around thinking that unfair debate techniques will hand you the keys of world power, notice a few things: Techniques Must Suit Personalities Some of these tactics would have not worked as well for other politicians. They would have been counterproductive for Hillary, for example. But Trump was just Trump being Trump. People knew he was brash, so while for some that still was overpowering, it was also genuine and sincere (something Hillary never appeared to be). They can Backfire Some of these techniques could have backfired if only Hillary knew how to handle them well. We’ll go over it in a different post, but just as an example: nobody forced her to smile and nod at Trump. And if she had refused, that would have been her point (look at Obama refusing to follow the lead). Learn more I write extensively on bullying, persuasion, and manipulation. Also read Carlson unfair debate techniques, Ben Shapiro bullying tactics and check

out part II of this series how to win a debate. Related

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Filed Under: Influence & Persuasion, Real Life Case Studies, Social Power Moves Tagged With: debate tactics, debate techniques and tactics, debating tactics, dirty debate tecniques, unfair debate tactics, unfair debate techniques [Image: lucio founder of the power moves] About the Author: Lucio Buffalmano Lucio is a social scientist, member of APA and a perpetual researcher of human nature. He teaches power dynamics because he believes that to be good, you first need to learn how to be bad. ThePowerMoves.com is where this new breed of leaders come to train. Power University About Contact T&Cs Privacy Refund Policy Copyright The Power Moves© 2020 · Log in

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Manipulation: Techniques, Strategies, & Ethics July 20, 2020 By Lucio Buffalmano The definitive dictionary of power dynamics defines manipulation as: The act of influencing and convincing others to embrace beliefs or behaviors that advance the interests of the manipulator, while coming at a cost for the manipulator’s targets(s) In this article, we explore: Manipulation techniques Practical examples of manipulation Manipulative strategies for personal success The ethics and morality of manipulation [Image: woman holds a red apple] Contents Social Manipulation Seduction Manipulation Sexual Manipulation Relationship Manipulation Business Manipulation Leadership Manipulations Self-Manipulations Socio-Cultural Manipulations More Manipulations Manipulative Strategies Manipulator’s Profiling: Who Manipulates? Manipulators’ Victims Manipulation VS Persuasion Summary

Social Manipulation From a social-exchange point of view, this is a simple definition of manipulation: Manipulation is a form of social exchange that benefits the manipulator while pushing the costs onto the manipulation’s target Here are techniques of social manipulation: 1. Social Scalping Social scalping is a form of social exchange manipulation, that seeks to inflate one’s own contribution and devalue the victim’s contribution as a

way of taking more than they give Social scalping is a way of exploiting the social exchange system. Let’s take “debt inflating”, for example. One of the most basic social exchange rules postulates that people who feel indebted to others will feel an obligation to give back. That obligation is based on what Cialdini called “reciprocity” (Cialdini, 1994). Reciprocity is the feeling of indebtedness that, if someone gave us, then we owe them. That’s what the social scalper exploits. The social scalper makes you feel indebted so that he can get back more than he gives. He does it in many ways: 1. Makes the favor seem “special”: “This is just for you, don’t tell anyone else” (and then does the exact same with anyone else) 2. Makes the favor seem costly: “It took me 3 days of 12h work a day. But I know you needed it” (and maybe it took him just one day) 3. Reminds you of old favor he’s done for you: “Remember that time you had to move, and I helped you out? Well, now I’m just asking you for $100 bucks man” (and maybe you thought that “favor” was part of your friendship, and repaid with the dinner and drinks you offered) Here’s an overview of social exchange manipulation: [Image: infographic of social manipulation]

To deal with this social manipulation, read here: Social scalping counter-strategy: a real-life example of a “debt inflating” and playing the same game back on her. There is a fairer, non-manipulative way of making sure you get back what you gave. And it’s to make it clear you expect something back. Honest exchange talk: directly lets you know you’ll have to make a favor back An example of “honest exchange talk” from “The Godfather”: Godfather: some day, and that day may never come, I’ll call upon you to do a service. But until that day, accept this as a wedding gift It might be annoying to have someone tell you “you owe me”, or that they “might have to call you in the future”. But at least, you know what you’re getting. Fair deal.

2. Guilt Tripping Guilt tripping manipulation makes the target feel bad for something they either did or failed to do, and manipulates them into acting to “make up” for their wrongdoings Here is a text example of guilt-tripping: [Image: an example of guilt tripping] The lady from the above text tries to make me feel guilty for not having taken her out of the country. It implies that it’s my duty to let her travel, and that, by not doing so, I am responsible for her depression. Also read: Guilt-tripping culture: an important read if you feel guilty for anything that you haven’t done 2.1. Pity Plays The pity play is a special technique of guilt-tripping where the perpetrator paints himself as either hopelessly helpless, or as a victim. The pity play seeks to make the target act “out of pity”. A beggar who is doing his best to look hungry and desperate is using pity plays. Pity plays are more effective when they are combined with guilt-tripping, as the guilt-tripping pity play says: “I’m a victim because of you, that’s why you should feel guilty, and that’s why you need to make it up to me”. Pity plays are effective as manipulations of last resort. When you have absolutely no more leverage, you can go for a pity play. Pity plays, as most other manipulations, can be used for potentially good causes. But you need to watch out, as they can also be instrumentalized to frame an opponent as barbaric: I couldn’t help by crying at the video and images of that shell-shocked, bloodied kid. But those same strong emotions can be manipulated for lessideal causes 3. Manipulative Moralizing Manipulative moralizing makes the target feel guilty for behaviors or beliefs that do not conform to the manipulator’s set of morals and ethics How is moralizing manipulation?

Simple: Who is to decide what’s a “good” set of morals and ethics to obey? If it’s the manipulator who decides, then he might have a second motive. By making us feel bad, the moralizing manipulator seeks to change our behavior to fit his ideal of “proper” behavior. When the moralizing manipulator is good at it, the target feels “judged” poorly, and “not good enough”. And so they change their beliefs and behavior to conform to the manipulator’s judgment -or, at least, they hide their true selves-. Moralizing is most often delivered from a judge role and with a judge frame, and is sometimes referred to as “moral policing”. We have already seen examples of moralizing on this website: Charlie Sheene moralizing interviewer: the interviewer tried her best to make Charlie Sheen look like an unworthy human being -an easy task since he gave her plenty of material[Image: woman with a scarlet letter] “A” stands for “adulteress”. The scarlet letter is an example of moralist shaming The scarlet letter is an example of sexual moralizing, and sexual mores are some of the biggest targets for moralists. It goes both ways, of course. Women seek to manipulate men into shaming them into providing and committing, while men seek to shame women into being caste and faithful, which is an (understandable) way of protecting against possible “non-paternity events”. 3.1. Shame Attacks Shame attacks are concentrated, high-powered moralizations. Individuals who seek power resort to shame attacks through what I call “burning stake shows”. We don’t burn people on stakes anymore in the West, but burning stake power moves can still destroy someone’s reputation and livelihood. We have one shame attack case study here, where you can learn how to deal with them: Julien Blanc shame attack: a modern attempt at a televised public lynching RSD Julien Scandal: Here’s How to Handle Shame Attacks 4. Manipulative Self-Disclosure

Manipulative self-disclosure offers fake or unrequested personal information to gain social credits that will be later exploited to ask for more valuable information from the manipulation’s target Personal information is highly valuable in social exchanges. Personal information potentially empowers the receiver of the information, and puts the information giver in a potentially vulnerable position. It also increases trust and, potentially, increases bond and connection. Thus, because of the exchange nature of social relations, giving potentially valuable information begets the ability to receive valuable information. Or, at least, it puts pressure on the target to disclose valuable information because of the law of reciprocity. The manipulator abuses the social exchange system by sharing either dud or unrequested personal information that puts pressure on the target to share their own valuable information. Alternatively, if the manipulator has a clear objective, he can share unrequested personal information, and then directly ask for the juicy information they wanted (titfor-that self-disclosure). Tit For Tat Manipulative Self-Disclosure: Example This is a meme, but it’s very similar to what happened to me the first time I met my floor-neighbor soon after I had moved in: [Image: meme of manipulation technique] You can read the full details here: Manipulative tit for tat self-disclosure: Read more in the link. From that day on, I knew I had to watch out with her. Plus, I knew I had free rein to manipulate as well, because manipulating a manipulator is fair game 5. Prosocial Feints Prosocial feints encourage others to adhere to a set of prosocial rule that limit their personal fredom or impairs their life effectiveness, while the manipulator himself either defects on those rules, or enjoys more power because people follow those rules Prosocial feints are based on the dichotomy between group collaboration and selfish defection. Such as, if everyone were prosocial, everyone would gain. But if the manipulator could convince others to be prosocial while he surreptitiously defects, he enjoys far bigger gains. There are three different types of prosocial feints:

Manipulate & defect: the prosocial manipulator professes prosocial ideals and behaviors. He pretends to obey them in public but, in private and whenever he can, he defects Abide & proselytize: prosocial behavior when nobody else is prosocial can be costly. Thus, a true believer tries to enlist others to avoid a comparative loss (note: abiding and proselytizing can be a respectable, value-adding choice in life) Frame powerlessness as a virtue: the manipulator cannot compete in an open system, so he seeks to promote virtues and ethics that limit people’s ability to achieve certain goals In all of these cases, the prosocial feinter also gains social points by looking selfless and prosocial. 5.1. Pro-group Feints Pro-groups feints encourage others to adhere to a set of pro-group morals and values that limit or harm personal freedom and personal power, while increasing the manipulator’s freedom and power Of all the manipulation techniques, this is the one I dislike the most. The feints aren’t even pro-humanity or aimed at protecting public goods, but they encourage aggressive and bellicose attitudes towards an external out-group, making people bitter and angry. Here are some examples: Feminist feints by feminists: Encouraging women to be strong and independent and, at worst, “not to need a man”, decreases women’s dating and sexual options. The feminist feinter can then either defect, for example being kind and submissive with men she likes, or enjoy an easier dating life when more and more women disempower themselves with “strong-woman” ideals. In short: the more women she can convince, the better it is for her -and not necessarily for the women she convinces-. Male rights feints by misogynists: the angry misogynists seeks to turn more men into angry misogynists to help them with their anti-women’s campaign. Patriotic feints by politicians: why do you think it’s politicians who always encourage patriotism? Because the more patriotic people are, the more they give to the country. And the more power the leaders of those countries have, of course. Idealistic feints by generals: the military is the most pro-group feinter of them all, ranging from patriotism, to ideals of freedom and democracy, to appeals to “brothers in arms”. It’s not surprising, since soldiers are asked to give up their lives. To make that sucker’s trade seem acceptable, you need all psychological manipulation you can muster. 6. More social manipulations

There are countless social manipulations. Here is just a few more of them: Get denied to deny: propose something they’re forced to say “no” to, which makes them socially indebted. Then exploit that social credit to deny their future, fair request Manipulative peace feints: pretending to be friendly and collaborative when you’re not. For example, telling others to “stop being so defensive“ Manipulative aggression: getting angry, aggressive, or overly dominant to instill fear and make you the target more pliable and submissive. Traumatic one-trial learning (Byrch, 2015) is an example of aggressive manipulation by manipulative abusers within abusive relationships

Seduction Manipulation [Image: man hypnotizing an attractive woman] Let’s keep it simple. There are three main ways to manipulate in seduction: 1. Inflate one’s own perceived sexual market value: higher SMV allows for more sexual options, quicker sex, and higher quality mates. Among the countless manipulative techniques for higher SMV: 1. Instilling fear: flaunting options, triangulation, “my hot exes” games, etc. 2. Judge frames: when others prove themselves you, you are in charge and they are chasing your (emotional) validation 3. Sexualization: framing oneself as a skilled lover. Works best with disinhibited and high sex drive targets 2. Deflate the target’s perceived sexual market value: it makes the target more pliable to being seduced 3. Faking chemistry & common goals: manipulators don’t date based on who they are, but rather seek to embody the partner their target wishes for For concrete manipulation examples see: 10 manipulative ways to make him value more: written from the point of view of women with men as targets Female seduction techniques: techniques that some of the best female seductresses use to ensnare men Dark psychology in seduction: a few techniques of dark psychology that can be considered highly manipulative Sexual conflict: the areas where interests diverge are also the areas more fertile for manipulation to evolve “Piggyback and run (I love you)“: the manipulator picks a lower SMV partner, pretends to be in love, then dumps him/her (visa scams, trumped-up charges of battering, or divorce)

[Image: meme of manipulation] And I also recommend: The psychopath’s techniques for total control

Sexual Manipulation There are two types of sexual manipulation: Intra-sexual manipulation: manipulation aimed at making same-sex individuals less competitive Intersexual manipulation: manipulation aimed at reducing the dating power of the opposite gender Some examples: Cultures of sexual loyalty (men on women): cultural-level intersexual manipulation where men repress women’s freedoms to choose another man as a way of more easily controlling “their” women Slut-shaming (women on women): women shame promiscuity in other women as a way of more easily controlling their partners (the less sex his partner can get outside of the relationship, the more power she has) Feminist “be strong and independent” advice: women tell other women to be strong as a way of handicapping their dating effectiveness, which makes dating easier for the advice giver Some really f*cked up, twisted manipulations here, eh?

Relationship Manipulation Manipulation in relationships can be divided in: Trapping the partner manipulations: most useful when partners have different SMVs, when the SMV of each partner diverges with time, or when one partner starts losing interest. The manipulation includes: Lowering one partner’s self-esteem: low self-esteem partner fail to see they even have other options Isolating the partner: convincing or pressuring the partner to give up their friends and cut ties with their families Increasing partner’s dependency: convince the partner to give up their job, pool or divide resources, or make them emotionally dependent Slutshaming: the male partner embraces and promotes cultures of honors as a way of shaming his partner into never-ending faithfulness

Acquiring power in the relationship: good relationships are heavy in collaboration, but manipulators prefer power, to collaboration. Many techniques of relationship manipulation are based on emotional manipulation, including: Gaslighting Belittling the partner’s achievements Ignoring the partner’s achievements Withholding praise or admiration Minimizing own’s own bad behavior Invalidating the partner’s feelings Some articles that show the manipulative dynamics in relationships: Women’s judge frames to control relationships: this is the “standard way” with which most women naturally control most relationships Controlling boyfriends: albeit jealousy is normal and even healthy, it stems from a desire to control. High levels of jealousy lead to abuse and manipulation Types of male abusers: abusers seek power and control, either via physical means of battering, or via emotional manipulation Sexual conflict: the area of sexual conflict in relationships Are you dating a sociopath: the signs of a manipulator, see below: 30 Signs You’re Dating a Sociopath (W/ Examples)

Business Manipulation Business manipulation can be understood at different levels: Regulators’ relationships: business owners talk up their troubles and social contribution to get undue support or protection. The goal is to nationalize the costs while privatizing the profits Corporate manipulation of employees: similar to group’s and political manipulations, plus: Framing the company’s goal as prosocial Making employees feel cherished as in a family Owners hide their contempt for employees while showing public admiration (see “psychopathy at work” for how some owners feel about employees) PR manipulation : the company exists to add value to humanity, and never to make money for the owners no matter what Negotiation manipulation: business is about dealmaking, and there is lots of potential for manipulation in negotiation Marketing manipulation: at the high level it’s developing emotional association towards a certain brand, logo, or product (“No Logo” and “Start With WHY” are great, non-technical books for that). At the tactical level, it’s about: Scarcity principle: pretend your product is limited. Especially effective if the product is scarce because of demand Promotions

Experts opinions: “doctors recommend… “ Subliminal marketing: over-hyped by initially fabricated reports, but it can be effective in leveraging already-present internal associations (Lindstrom, 2008) Feigned intimacy: see an example below [Image: example of marketing manipulation] I was disgusted when I received that automated email from Nel Patel, pretending he personally asked about me. It was too manipulative, and an offense to the receiver’s intelligence. P.S.: I willingly use a different name with marketers so their manipulative games are even more obvious (“Matteo” here instead of “Lucio”) Critical thinking is always a great antidote to marketing manipulation. See an example here: Critical thinking against manipulative ads: dismantling a cheap, manipulative advertisement

Leadership Manipulations Leaders can do great things for individuals and groups alike. But leaders, groups, and individuals’ interests can also diverge, which make the leader-follower relationship one that is ripe for manipulation. Here is some of them: 1. Owners Manipulate Employee to Give More & Take Less Owners prioritize profit over the individual, and manipulates the individuals into giving up their self-interest for the company’s goals There is an inherent conflict of interest between business leaders and employees. Owners gain when the individuals are selfless and self-sacrificing individuals, while the individuals gain when they retain their independence together with a healthy self-interest. [Image: team work ad with an ant] A colony of ants working for the gains of the queen owners. The dream of every business leader (be my guest). That’s why almost every company stresses the value of teamwork. The teamwork mantra is an attempt at manipulating individuals into giving up their self-interest.

Take Ray Dalio, for example, who says that “what’s good for the whole is good”. Easy for Dalio, since he owns the whole. But what’s good for the whole is not necessarily good for the individual. Employee Wants to Be Special, Owners Wants Them Disposable The secret goal of most business leaders is to make employees disposable. Unique employees gain negotiation power, and owners don’t like that. So owners seek to make employees disposable while manipulating them into feeling special and as part of a special family. When employees feel like part of a big family, the owners can get more out of them, for less money (for more on intrinsic motivation see Pink, 2009) See more here: 12 Ways Companies Manipulate Employees (W/ Examples) 2. Leaders Manipulate Followers to Give Up The Self Group leaders seek to manipulate the individuals into giving up their self-identities to fuse with with the group idendity A group of selfless followers who identify with their teams is a leader’s dream. Selfless individuals who identify with the team will readily die for that team -and for the leader-. And that empowers the leader -while disempowering the individuals-. Hence, much of leaders’ manipulation seeks to influence people into investing more and more into the group, including emotional and identity-based investment. Some of the manipulations: “We” & “Us” talk: the leader seeks to instill a culture of “WEs” as part of his group-identity strategy Talk up the group: the leader wants the individuals to see the group as the solution to all of the problems Making up enemies: the good old ingroup/outgroup manipulation. Make up an enemy, and people naturally become more cohesive (Haslam, 2006) Make the individuals dependent: the leaders don’t want to fix the individuals for good, but prefers them dependent on the group For more on the dynamics of group: The Red Pill: an analysis of self-identities in manosphere group Healthy individualism: an analysis of the value of healthy individualism And to see this manipulation from the point of view leaders, see: How to Be A Leader: 13 Laws From Social-Psychology

3. Leaders Naturally Engage in Pro-Group Feints Leaders engage heavily in the pro-group feints we discussed early. Why? Simple: as the leaders of those groups they gain the most if everyone gives up personal power to empower the group. Leaders sometimes don’t even have to fake to be pro-group. It’s easy and costless for leaders to give up the self for the group when they control that group. But it might not be the same for the individual. [Image: george bush on a flying suit] Be patriotic and “ask what you can do for your country”, or give your life for the leaders’ profit? Stay especially away from fanatical group leaders. As a rule of thumb, the more fanatical and intense a leader is, the more he wants you to give up your personal power for his own power. 4. Purists Seek Leadership Through Fanatism First, a definition of the purist manipulator:

The purist manipulator picks an enemy and puts on an act of being angry, shocked, or indignant to look better by comparison, and to gain personal power by leading the masses of disenfranchised The purist manipulators deploy shame attacks and seeks to lead mobs of people to figurative burning stake shows. Here are examples of purist manipulator: Political purist : rich people are disgusting, they got rich cheating and lying. Death to the rich Political purists tend to lead the masses of unhappy folks who need an excuse for their failures. You can see them springing up all over these days with the populist movements. There are several layers of the purist manipulator, depending on their level of danger:

1. Social Justice Warrior level: annoying, but mostly an innocuous idiot 2. Digital firestarter level: he is the guy who writes angry posts on Facebook, always in absolute and black and white terms 3. Lynching mob level: here is where the fanatism starts, but he never makes it to real offices of power. Savonarola was an example. 4. The social-revolutionary fanatic: politicians who seek power by making up enemies and pretending to be the usherers of a new, better world

5. Purists in power: the Stalin and Hitler of this world. Fanatics who achieved power and keep pretending they are still revolutionaries for good Digital Firestarter Example The firestarter uses shame attacks for a quick burst of feel-good power. You can see an example here with your truly as the target to be burned on the Twitter digital stake: [Image: public assault on power dynamics expert lucio buffalmano] As a rule of thumb, be very careful of both purists and fanatics. They seem good and candid, and great leaders you can follow. But they’re all but.

Self-Manipulations Strange eh? Of all of there sources on manipulation, none of them ever tackles one of the most important manipulations of them all: how we manipulate ourselves. As Feynman said: The first principle is that you must not fool yourself – and you are the easiest person to fool Self-manipulation, or inner-manipulation, must be addressed because it supports external manipulation, and makes it more likely that we will be and remain victims. For example: Minimizing: “oh, she is not that bad, she just got emotional, that’s why she started breaking dishes”, and men stick with abusive and manipulative women Optimism bias: “if I just keep loving him, I am sure I can change him”, and so women stick with abusive and manipulative men Sunk-cost fallacy: “we have spent so much time together, we need to find a way to keep it”, and so people stick with manipulators There is many more of course. But learning psychology and developing critical thinking will go a long way to fix our self-manipulation. Integrating Your Manipulative Tendencies The worst self-manipulation is believing you have no drive and willingness to manipulate others. It might seem counterintuitive, but accepting your own manipulative tendencies is the very first step to becoming a bigger force for good in the world.

In short, accepting your own dark side is a necessary step of self-development. As Jordan Peterson said: Jordan Peterson: by denying the worst in yourself, you preclude the possibility for the best Peterson is talking about aggression here. But it’s the exact same for manipulation. Remember: The inability to manipulate doesn’t make you virtuous. It only makes you ignorant of human nature. -The Power Moves It’s the ability to manipulate and to willingly avoid using it for harmful goals that make you moral.

Socio-Cultural Manipulations At a social level, each individual and/or social group seeks to influence the public opinion to adopt frames or moral norms that benefit themselves, or their own group. Among cultural manipulations: Promoting the belief that success is all about choice and hard work: the rich wants society to believe that success and wealth is all about hard work and dedication, which helps them frame socialist policies of wealth redistribution as theft on the productive folks Promoting the belief of “poor but happy”: Fiske found out that when those in power can frame the underclass as high in warmth, but low in competence, it can help stabilize the status quo (Fiske and Cuddy, 2002; and Sapolsky, 2017). Culture of honors: men seek to instill a culture that represses women’s sexual freedoms to defend against non-paternity events “Me too”-like movements: a culture with an easy trigger against men and within which it’s easy for women to shame and ruin men for any type of advance empowers women against men (especially the most manipulative women) Political framing: each party seeks to frame the public discourse in a way that benefits them. For example, when expression such as “tax relief” or “pro-life” are adopted by everyone, the conservatives are far more likely to win debates and influence policy choices (Lakoff, 2004) At different points of time, this or that group manages to gain an edge over another. But since there are so many competing interests at play, rarely a group can

completely dominate all others.

More Manipulations It’s difficult to write a comprehensive article on manipulation while also being brief. So here are a few more forms of manipulation, in a shorter format: 1. Standard Manipulations: What We All Do Standard manipulations are everyday manipulations we all engage in. As a matter of fact, some everyday manipulations are a sign that we are well-adjusted human beings. For example: Makeup to look younger for women Tailored clothes for men to look at their best Talking up our strengths to impress someone with power (think about job interviews) Some everyday manipulations are also a sign that we are effective individuals: Concealing inappropriate emotions Behaving in ways that are effective, but not reflective of how we feel However, overdoing standard manipulations can make you come across as submissive or nervous. Think for example: Smiling when we don’t feel like smiling Being friendly when we are actually disappointed Repeating that “we are fine” when we are actually angry These types of overly-social manipulations all communicate that you lack confidence, that you don’t respect yourself nearly enough, and that you lack power and assertiveness. 2. Familial Manipulation You only need to look at family dynamics to realize that yes, we are indeed all designed to engage in manipulations. Among the familial manipulations: Fetus manipulation: yes, it starts that early. Fetuses fight to remain alive and divert nutrients from the mother, even if that might make the mother sick (Buss, 1998)

Babies manipulation: children cry, get in between parents and act seductive as a way of attracting love and resources (Pinker, 1997) “Look at me mom”: children showing off for their parents are subconsciously saying “I am worthy of your continued support and investment” Familial manipulation also shows us that some people manipulate more than others. M.E. Thomas, a diagnosed sociopath, realized she was different when she noticed her siblings weren’t as interested in winning the parents’ favor to the detriment of others (Thomas, 2013) I believe indeed that of the signs of female sociopathy is daughters who antagonize their mothers to “win over” their fathers. An alpha female sociopath I once dated gloated telling me how she pushed her mother over to become the “queen bitch of the household”, which included her father’s main and only love, and the main driver of family’s decisions. 3. Media Manipulation It includes: Feigned neutrality: pretending of reporting facts while instead promoting a specific agenda Sensationalism: “new record”, “never seen before”, “first woman ever to” Fear-mongering: fear sells and attracts viewers. The media overstates risks while downplaying long-term, positive trends (Pinker, 2018) [Image: greta thunberg angry with media manipulation comments] Greta is a victim of manipulative reporting and sensationalist media Greta Thunberg really believes that global warming means she has no future. Global warming is a serious issue we need to tackle. But it’s far from being the main risk to her life. She is too young and naive to understand that some media outlets overblew the severity of global warming to human life to attract more viewers. 4. Machiavellian Manipulations Machiavellian manipulations are next level, refined manipulations schemes. One example: Shine up, praise down: kiss up kick down is a weak strategy. As James Fallon said: “you don’t manipulate by snarling, you manipulate by being sweet as shit”. Smart manipulators make their reports feel great to maximize their output, but then maximize selfish self-interest by only maneuvering for their own promotions

Manipulative Strategies

Today, evolutionary psychology widely accepts that self-interest can often be best achieved through cooperation (Ridley, 1996). So, from a life-strategy point of view, it’s not the selfish player who succeeds. It’s the collaborators who can expand the scope of collaboration that maximize their results the most (“enlightened collaborator“). And that’s why we say here that cooperative frames are one of the fundamental strategies for personal power. The 4 Fundamental Strategies of Power However, stopping there would be only half-way towards truth. And this is not the place for naive self-help. The truth is that selfishness and manipulation can also pay off within a collaborative framework. Much of manipulation is based on a dichotomy between collaboration and selfinterest: Honest collaboration can create win-win, but feigning collaboration can create even more proficuous win-lose That’s why, as much as collaboration naturally emerges through natural selection, so does manipulation. In short: collaboration and manipulation are two faces of the same coin. However, manipulators who let their selfish side goes too far take big risks, including: Exclusion from cooperative circles: in cooperative circles, everyone gains. Manipulators who focus too much on taking ruin the system, so they get booted out Loss of access to high-quality cooperators: many high-quality individuals have little patience for the most blatantly self-interested manipulators (many of these people build their success with honest collaboration, after all) In short: blatant manipulation is not a smart strategy. It cuts you off from lots of high-quality people and from many opportunities for winwin and collaboration. Opportunistic Manipulator Strategy That being said, one must not be either always honest, or always a crook. Indeed, from a purely Machiavellian and self-interested point of view, the best strategy is to frame oneself as an honest giver and collaborator, while defecting and manipulating any time you can get away with it. Let’s call this strategy the “opportunistic manipulator”. As usual, I’m not happy to say that and I don’t condone nor endorse that stance, but I must tell the truth first and foremost.

But, in some cases, it can be a fair strategy. And it can also be fair in naturally competitive environments, like in the workplace. A Case Against Opportunistic Manipulation Luckily, there are some good reasons against a strategy out of constant opportunistic manipulation. The main con is that it’s a far higher-risk strategy than it looks. As a rule of thumb, the closer the relationship, the more you deal with the same people over time, and the longer the time horizon, the higher risk the opportunistic manipulator strategy becomes. If you think about it, it makes immediate sense. As a general rule, the more manipulations you spin, the more you increase the risk that some of them will be discovered and/or that they will come back to haunt you in the future. So, as a rule of thumb, the longer or closer the relationship is, and the healthier the relationship you seek, the more it pays off to minimize manipulation and behave as an honest collaborator. Finally, the wholly amoral stance tends to be a poor self-esteem strategy. Knowing yourself as a straight shooter makes you far more confident. On the other hand, on one-off encounters with people who have no recourse against you, there is nothing to stop people from manipulating and getting away with it scot-free. That’s where personal ethics and morals should kick in.

Manipulator’s Profiling: Who Manipulates? Here’s the profiling of the most prolific manipulators: Machiavellian: they buy into Machiavelli’s proposition that a desired end justifies virtually any means. In game theory experiment they are opportunistic, capitalizing on ambiguity regarding the rules manipulative charming confident glib calculating cynic about human nature (the bad type of cynic, of course) shred in their social strategies

Narcissists: expect special treatment without assuming reciprocal responsibilities in turn (ie.: in the social exchange he takes without giving) entitled Borderline personality disorder: uses silent treatment, rage, and threats - including breakup threats– also see “Sop Walking on Eggshells” and “I Hate You Don’t Leave Me“ Dependent personality disorder: they indirectly manipulate others to assume responsibilities for them. Men tend to use demands, while women tend to use submissiveness and feigned ineptitude. Also read “Codependent No More“ Histrionic personality disorder: the drama queens and kings, they manipulate to get more attention. They can be both manipulated and manipulators, and often resort to sexuality and seduction to manipulate. They can resort to emotional explosions, and frequently cry rape Passive-aggressive personalities: passive resistance like procrastination, intentional inefficiency, and feet dragging. They will never say “no” to their bosses, but will always complain behind the boss’ back Type A angry personality: highly competitive, and obsessed with quantitative measures of success. They are often very concerned in maintaining control over their environment. They tend to manipulate with more aggressive tactics, and sometimes evoke “avoidance strategies” in others Addictive personality: lies, denies, and wreaks havoc in people’s lives. Can become extremely needy Sociopaths/ Psychopaths: have little or no empathy. Or, better, the little empathy only helps them understand others better as a way of manipulating them better. Also see psychopath’s controlling strategies To which, I also add one more category of people who could instead be more empathic and more win-win “value-adding”: The manipulator who got burned: he has been the victim of manipulation, and vows to never be a victim ever again. So now they turned in manipulators. That’s the profile of lots of red pill men. Manipulators’ Mindset The most hardened and conscious manipulators often have this mindset: You either play or get played: it’s a zero-sum world of dog eat dog. You either play, or get played There is no win-win: in a zero-sum world full of nasty people, there cannot be win-win Relationships between equals do not exist: it’s either one wins, or lose. So they want to make sure their parnter loses You cannot trust others: since everyone is out to play you, manipulators obviously cannot trust others. They also don’t see themselves as trustworthy This makes healthy and “value-adding” relationships with manipulators difficult or outright impossible. Manipulators Create Their Own Dog-Eat-Dog Reality

Since the manipulator cannot see how someone could be giving or cooperative, they approach all situations that require to choose between trust/cooperation and distrust/competition with the latter strategy. But in repeated games, which in real life are the equivalent of relationships, that mindset creates a world of lose-lose. Let me repeat it because this is crucial: The manipulator’s mindset of perennial distrust creates his own world of lose-lose.

Here is how it’s experimentally tested. Take this variation of the prisoner’s dilemma: [Image: prisoner dilemma matrix] Win-win: When they both cooperate, they both get $10 Win-lose: when one cooperates and the other defects, the defector gets $20 and the other gets nothing (cheating) Lose-lose: When they both defect, they both get $1 The cheater “wins big” the first time. But as soon as the game is repeated, the collaborator will most likely adjust his strategy to defect as well. And the game quickly turns into a lose-lose for both. If you run this game for 3-4 times, the defector strategy is a losing one. In any long-term game, collaboration maximizes gains, but the cheater misses out on the gains because of his mindset. Post-interviews confirm the two different mindsets. Cooperators who played against defectors may say that “it is just like life: There are all different sorts of people”. The manipulator instead uses the reality of his own making to justify his own strategy and life approach. As Braiker notes, the manipulator’s mindset poisons all of his interpersonal relationships. Can you reform a manipulator? Rarely, it’s possible. If the manipulator wasn’t aware of his manipulation, showing him what he was doing, plus the destructive effects it’s having, can serve as enough of a shocker to change his behavior (we call this approach here “collaborative shaming”). But in case the manipulator was aware of his behavior, then the chances of changing dop precipitously. Conscious manipulators tend to be self-aware and “ego-congruent“. Such as, their

manipulation fits what they consciously think of themselves. On this website, we define the worst type of this category of people the “proud value-takers”. Such as, they are proud of taking from others.

Manipulators’ Victims Who gets manipulated? Two popular psychologists addressed that question: George Simon (Simon, 1996) and Harriet Braiker (Braiker, 2003). These are the people most likely to fall for manipulators: Naive people (blind to evil): good people tend to think there is less evil and manipulation than there actually is Naive people 2 (blind to lies): people who don’t lie are more easily a victim of the “truth by default interpretation” (Levine, 2014). Such as, since they tend to lie little, they also think others lie little over-conscientious people: the victim focuses too much on their own part of the blame, and too little on the manipulator’s contribution Unassertive people: the victim is unable or unwilling to give firm “nos” and enforce their boundaries Low self-confidence people: the victims are more likely to believe the manipulator’s version of the events Over-intellectualizing people: the victim justifies the manipulation because of supposedly underlying issues. Some psychologists contributed to this problem by making excuses for manipulation (Stout, 2005) (Emotionally) dependent people: the victim is very submissive, emotionally and/or financially dependent Approval seekers: the manipulator takes a judge role and the victim accepts it, seeking the manipulator’s approval Emotophobic people: the victim fears either feeling or expressing stronger emotions such as anger, disappointment, and disapproval To this list, I also add: Powerlessness: which takes place at three different levels: Lack in awareness of power dynamics, Lack of mental fortitude, including assertiveness Lack of options, which makes people more dependent on manipulators

Manipulation VS Persuasion What’s the difference between persuasion and manipulation? Robert Greene, author of “The 48 Laws of Power“, says that persuasion and manipulation are the same, and any attempt at persuasion is an attempt at

manipulation. That argument is often presented with the cynic rationalization that “everyone manipulates”, and those who don’t, are lying. Well, it’s not 100% wrong. But it’s not wholly right, either. We could probably plot manipulators within the population as a bell-curve: [Image: bell curve of manipulation] As much as there are few people who lie and manipulate all the time, there are also very few people who are always honest. Still, that does not mean that persuasion and manipulation are one and the same. The difference between persuasion and manipulation is that manipulation comes at a cost to the target, while persuasion does not. There is plenty of grey area, of course, but grey areas are grey because they are not highly harmful. Let’s consider two examples: 1. Salesman persuades prospect to buy a cool sports car, but the buyer didn’t strictly need a car 2. Man persuades woman who wanted a relationship into sleeping with him, but they don’t get into a relationship These are typically grey areas. But they are not harmful. Because of back-rationalization, the car prospect is probably happy in either case. Same for the woman. If the man managed to make it a good experience, she will most often be glad they became lovers. So, in my opinion, most grey areas of persuasion are fair game and, in the absence of obvious harm to the target, it’s fair to attempt to influence others to your point of view. Yet, that grey area is not infinitely elastic, and it’s spurious to pretend there is no difference whatsoever between persuasion and manipulation. Examples of manipulation from the above cases would include: 1. Salesman manipulates prospect to buy a used sports car, while hiding important safety issues 2. Man who never wanted a relationship seduces virgin and strictly religious woman who wanted a relationship into sleeping with him by hinting at a future together

Summary Manipulation is natural to every living creature. But some people are better at it, while some others happily use it for more harmful objectives than others. For true self-development, and to become a more enlightened human being, you must first recognize your own tendency towards manipulation. Refer to Power University for more -and for defending against manipulation-Related

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Filed Under: Empowered Life, Influence & Persuasion, Social Power Moves Tagged With: manipulation strategies, psychological manipulation [Image: lucio founder of the power moves] About the Author: Lucio Buffalmano Lucio is a social scientist, member of APA and a perpetual researcher of human nature. He teaches power dynamics because he believes that to be good, you first need to learn how to be bad. ThePowerMoves.com is where this new breed of leaders come to train. Power University About Contact T&Cs Privacy Refund Policy Copyright The Power Moves© 2020 · Log in

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Join In! The 9 Irrefutable Laws of Power February 16, 2020 By Lucio Buffalmano We have already reviewed the basic strategies for power. Now we will review the fundamental laws of power. [Image: man holding sacred laws] Contents #1. Learn How to Control Yourself #2. Get in Control Of Your Own Life #3. Learn How to Control Others 3.2. Coercive Power Is The Ability to Enforce 3.3. Authority Is The Legitimacy of Power 3.4. Control Over Resources: The Power of Keeping Others Dependent 3.5. Leverage Intrinsic Motivation #4. Learn How to Read and Control Frames Frames Are The SOP of Relationships #5. Learn How Soft Power Works (AKA: The Judge Role) 5.2. Parent/Child And The Judge 5.3. Who Jumps The Hoops 5.4. Who Makes Whom Happy 5.5. The Shaming Superpower 5.7. The Inverted Judge: Guilt-Tripping #6. Learn to Do More, With Less (AKA: Law of Social Effort) #7. Leverage Resources (AKA: Do Make Some Money) #8. Learn to Leverage The Power of The Law 8.2. Maximize Your Taxes #9. Acquire Physical Strength – Or At Least, Stay In Shape

#1. Learn How to Control Yourself This is where it all starts. Don’t confuse “control over oneself” with “having to overpower yourself”. Control starts not with a struggle, but with acceptance, and being comfortable in your own skin. It’s only after self-acceptance that you can better control yourself, and more effectively project power.

Self-awareness Lack of control: not knowing what you like or dislike, what your values are, what drives you, what you care about, what makes you feel good Full control: knowing what you like and dislike, what you stand for, your strengths and weaknesses Willpower Lack of control: being at the whim of one’s own drives, chasing short-term gratification that ultimately makes you feel unaccomplished Full control: knowing your short-term drives, when they’re good and when they’re harmful, and actively deciding when to entertain them or resist them; building habits and routines that support your long term goal and sticking to them Self-esteem Lack of control: based on values and qualities outside your control; swinging from low self-esteem to inflated self-esteem without real skills and results to back it up Full control: self-esteem built around resilient qualities and values; always high on self-esteem Emotional Lack of control: needing someone’s approval; letting people get under your skin; allowing external circumstances to dictate your moods Full control: emotionally independent; owning, not being afraid, and being comfortable of your own weaknesses; controlling one’s states, including learning to enjoy the process as much as the results An example of emotional control is this famous Godfather’s scene. We know that the Godfather has reached the level of maturity that it takes to lead when he moves beyond emotional vendetta (emotional out of control) to doing what’s most effective (emotionally in control). “It’s not personal” = I’m not emotional about it. And “it’s strictly business” = this is what is rationally most effective

#2. Get in Control Of Your Own Life Once you are on your way to mastering your inner self, you then move to master the external environment. Control over your own life gives you freedom. But it also protects you from other people’s attempts to control you. Control over your own life is one of the best antidotes against all types of abuse. Some of the main areas to tackle:

Life plan and direction Lack of control: following what parents or society deemed as “good”; goals based on what others want; following our genes’ programming without understanding it Full control: based on self-awareness developing plans and routines that move you in the direction you’ve chosen Work Lack of control: working in a job you hate, with fixed hours and fixed breaks Full control: doing what you like, with full freedom on how and when to execute Financial Lack of control: depending on someone to pay the bills, without having other options Full control: works on his own / can easily find job from competitors / has a diversified income / has lots of savings Preparation Lack of control: puts all his eggs in one basket; is one illness away from bankruptcy; has no idea what to do if he’s in trouble Full control: diversifies; insures his most important assets; legally protects his assets against possible lawsuits or divorce; he knows what to do and who to call in case of troubles

#3. Learn How to Control Others At the crudest level power is getting what you want and, when others stand in the way, to get them to do what you want. Different authors and different texts provide different levers of power, including: Rank Authority Coercion Seduction Resources Interpersonal skills / charm / charisma These categories overlap and feed into each other, of course. But let’s have a quick overview of the three most important ones: 3.2. Coercive Power Is The Ability to Enforce Coercive power is based on the ability to force others to do what you want.

It’s the equivalent of firing employees at work, physical aggression in a disagreement, or government’s incarceration for law-breakers. It’s good to have coercive power, even when you don’t want to use it. As a matter of fact, coercive power can even be used to avoid escalations -as Jordan Peterson said: if you can bite, you often don’t have to-. 3.3. Authority Is The Legitimacy of Power [Image: army general in military parade] Army generals are the stereotypical example of the power of official authority, conferred by their rank Authority is the legitimization of power. There are two types of authority: 1. The one coming from title and official ranks (officially sanctioned authority) 2. The authority that people grant you by virtue of your qualities (unofficial authority) When people know you have authority, they know they must obey you or punishment will follow (official). When they want to follow you and be influenced by you, they freely elect you as a leader (unofficial). When you combine both, people feel that it’s right and fair for you to have power over them. The more authority people feel you have, the more you influence people. On the other hand, when you can decrease or question someone else’s authority, you delegitimize their power and hobble their ability to persuade and influence. 3.4. Control Over Resources: The Power of Keeping Others Dependent You have probably heard this proverb: Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime From a perspective of power dynamics, it can be generalized this way: the more people need you, the more power you have. And, conversely: the less you need people, the less power you give away. The resources can be of different nature, including: 1. Financial resources (salary, accommodation, etc.) 2. Social support (cool parties, friends, professional network, etc.) 3. Emotional (approval, flattery, etc.,)

And of course, as it’s often the case, it’s a mixture of them all. This can be a good time for a first self-assessment: – Are you living from paycheck to paycheck? If so, you are financially dependent on your employer – Do you need people to go out or join an event? If so, you are socially dependent on your friends – Are you craving someone’s approval? If so, you are emotionally dependent The goal is not to be totally independent, which would make for a hermit life but, whenever appropriate, to reduce your dependence. 3.5. Leverage Intrinsic Motivation Finally, don’t forget leadership and appeals to higher ideals. Leadership is about leveraging intrinsic motivation. Read: How to be a leader And since you’re at this stage, learning the dynamics of manipulation will also make you a far more capable individual: Basics of manipulation Basics of dark psychology Manipulation: Techniques, Strategies, & Ethics

#4. Learn How to Read and Control Frames A frame is a set of beliefs, morals, and perspectives with which people interpret the world. When two people with different ways of looking at the world meet, the person who can impose his frame on others is the most powerful. Frames become especially obvious when it comes to disagreements. Here is an example: Saint Valentine is approaching, he believes gifts are a waste of time and money. She believes that it’s romantic and exchanging gifts is proof of caring. What the couple does depends on whose frame prevails.

Frames are personal as much as social. When a frame becomes ingrained at a social level, it’s very difficult for individuals to buck the trend. In our Valentine’s example above, society’s frame is on her side. That makes it difficult for him to “win” the frame without her feeling like he is imposing his will. If he keeps insisting, that could easily become a negative display of dominance which sours the relationship. Frames Are The SOP of Relationships Those who control frames control the relationship for two reasons: 1. The one wins shows he is more powerful -more dominant, more persuasive, or both-. 2. One the winner sets his frame, the relationship unfolds within the winner’s rules Frames carry a code of morals: what’s fair and not fair, what’s good and what’s not good. And the code of morals sets the “rails” of the relationship. That means that imposing your frame is a bit like imposing your legal system. This is important because the opposite is also true: when you buy into someone’s frame, you are playing by their rules and your behavior is being judged based on what they believe in. That not only gives away power but also limits your personal freedom. A good part of learning social dynamics is learning to see frames and whose frame you are playing by. As a quick example, let’s rewatch this scene from Mrs. Doubtfire: Her frame is that the big party is stupid. His frame is that the party is fun. Whose frame wins? Just look at his face to know the answer: frame battles often happen without a single word being spoken. Read more in frame control.

#5. Learn How Soft Power Works (AKA: The Judge Role) In most relationships in your life, you will not deal with coercive power. You will deal with “soft power“.

Good conversationalists, people who understand psychology and good salesmen are all good at wielding soft power. But, pardon me the cacophony, the most powerful version of soft power goes to the individual who judges others. That’s why from now on I will call it “the judge role” -or “the judge”-. The Judge Role: A Tool For Power & Control You gain judging powers when people accept your frame and your authority (as we said: most forms of power are connected). The judge wields power by dispensing (emotional) punishment and rewards (French & Raven, 1959). The power of judgment provides rewards in the form of compliments, happiness, and acceptance. And it delivers punishment with withdrawal, criticism, scorn or, more subtly and even more powerfully, with unhappiness, unacceptance, and disappointment. It’s important to understand the effects of judges in your life because judges decrease your personal agency, and they prevent you from reaching true self-control.

Please Note: Healthy judges are only disappointed when disappointment is called for Expressing disappointment on a constant basis is an abuse of power and tantamount to emotional manipulation. See an example here from Mary Cain: Mary Cain was abused by her trainer who treated her like dirt and constantly criticized her. And she still wanted to go back. She says she “craved his approval”. She is right. And that’s an example of trauma bonding from an abusive judge.

I don’t recommend to abuse of a judge role. There are moral implications, of course. But also because abusive forms of soft power don’t work nearly as well with more powerful and more high-quality individuals. Instead, high-quality expressions of power work on everyone. 5.2. Parent/Child And The Judge There is an overlap between the judge role and the parent/child relationship of transactional analysis (Harris, 1967). When children get rebellious in their teens they are rebelling not much against hard rules, but against the soft power of judgment. Teenagers are claiming their emotional independence from their parents. Children with very demanding and/or judgemental parents sometimes stay stuck in emotionally dependent child roles throughout their lives. And that’s why learning power dynamics also help you become a better parent.

On the other hand, also ask yourself if your parents are still pushing you into a child role. If as an adult you still feel the need to please your parents, or to have them approve of you, your parents are probably holding too much power on you.

The parent/child roles are replicated in adult relationships as well. When you become the judge in adult relationships your power is to make the judged emotionally dependent on your approval, a bit like children are dependent on parents’ approval. This can be a source of extremely powerful dark social power. PRO Tip: Watch Out For Highly Critical Individuals Consciously or unconsciously, people who are very severe and demanding are trying to take a judge role and push you in the emotionally dependent child role. 5.3. Who Jumps The Hoops The judge is the party that makes others “prove themselves to him”. Proving yourself to others is a major sign of (emotional) dependence and submission. We have seen many examples in the dating section, including shit tests. 5.4. Who Makes Whom Happy The other superpower of the judge role is the “right of happiness”. This sometimes happens in relationships, with the woman becoming the judge and the man who takes on the onus of making her happy. See: how women control relationships. Female Domestication: How Women Control Men & Relationships 5.5. The Shaming Superpower The judge role is also the platform to launch what I call “shame attacks”. Shame attacks are a form of coercive power because they threaten to ostracize people not just from the judge, but from the whole group of reference. The most obvious and direct shame attacks use emotional constructs such as “evil”, “dishonorable”, “disgusting”, “slutty”, “not good enough (for us)” that aim at browbeating and isolating the victim. You can see examples here: Julien Blanc shame attack Charlie Sheen shame attack 5.6. Identity-Based Shame Attacks

The nastiest shame attacks seek to undermine us at the core of our identities. Our identities differ from person to person, but some key traits are common to most of us. Almost all men, for example, are partial to any attack to their “sense of being a man”. And almost all women are easy marks for attacks to beauty, femininity, and sexual behavior. 5.7. The Inverted Judge: Guilt-Tripping Guilt-tripping is a form of covert aggression. The party who is trying to make you feel guilty does not have the power to force you to do anything. Usually, you have more power when someone tries to guilt-trip you. But the guilt-tripper is trying to turn the table and take a judge role from the weaker position. They make you feel guilty for having power over them and hurting them, or for having power and not using it for good causes -ie.: helping them-. Albeit from a weaker position, they are still trying to make you act with their negative judgment. They are judging you not worthy of your power and leadership. If you fall for it, you will give them what they want in exchange for them changing their judgemental opinion. This is an example of guilt-tripping: [Image: an example of guilt tripping] She is trying to make me feel guilty for her problems. She is indirectly saying that I am a bad person for not helping her. You can see the full analysis of guilt-tripping here.

#6. Learn to Do More, With Less (AKA: Law of Social Effort) “Effort” is the measure of how much effort people are investing to get things done. In social interactions, effort is measured by the amount of effort people exert to engage with you. “Effort” is a bit of an umbrella term, so here are some practical examples:

1. Talking more to keep the interaction going 2. Walking across the room to say hi 3. Giving gifts without receiving any back In a nutshell: the person who invests less looks more powerful, and the person who expends more effort looks less powerful. Least powerful are those who expend lots of effort for little or no returns. Paul Cicero in Goodfellas is an extreme example of the power dynamics of effort. By moving little while others move lots for him, he is the living embodiment of power.

#7. Leverage Resources (AKA: Do Make Some Money) In our society, there is a strong link between resources and power. Wealthy individuals are formal or informal advisers of top politicians and they have preferential access to formal and informal levers of power. Albeit the law is supposedly equal for everyone, the truth is that wealthy individuals enjoy more “exceptions”, and can sometimes avoid punishment by virtue of their friends, status, and power. There is little to opine here: in our society, lots of resources confer tremendous power. Today, resources have also delinked from strength. Physically strong individuals work for the rich. The bodyguards’ job is to sell their bodies and risk their own lives and health to preserve the lives and health of the rich. I’m not advising here that you make your life objective to get rich and make money - indeed, I would advise you not to-. But I do am pointing out the obvious fact that money does empower you. 7.2. The Power of Financial Independence The beauty of money is that it can buy you freedom and independence. I quote Nassim Nicholas Taleb here: (resources) shield you from prostituting your mind and frees you from outside authority–any outside authority. And you don’t even need that much.

#8. Learn to Leverage The Power of The Law The legal system can empower the weak to take revenge -or money- from the powerful. And it can empower the powerful to grow yet more powerful, and abuse the weak. Theoretically, the legal system should protect people and make for a fairer society. And in part, it does that. But only if you know how to use it. Knowing your rights, what constitutes evidence, how to collect evidence, your likelihood of winning in court, and which lawyer to call and when to call him, can provide you with tremendous power and leverage. Once you know how to move within the law and how to defend yourself in case things end up in court, you will also grow more confident. My advice is to know the law, play within the law, and collect evidence to cover your ass. But you’re unsure, avoid getting to court just because you’re angry. Unless you’re confident of a quick and swift victory, getting mired in court is risky, expensive, and very likely to poison your mood. 8.2. Maximize Your Taxes Financial guru Robert Kiyosaki says that the powerful and rich find loopholes around taxes. The really poor get some little government help. And the masses in the middle-class shoulder most of the taxes. Being smart with your money and taxes will allow you to retain more power.

#9. Acquire Physical Strength – Or At Least, Stay In Shape Yes, size and physical strength do matter.

Evolutionary psychologist David Buss said he was surprised that, in this day and age, size, and strength still matter (Buss, 2019). Me, I was surprised that Buss was surprised, instead. Sure, physical strength and violence are not as linked to power as they used to be, but it’s just silly to think they don’t matter at all. At a social level people, and especially men, tend to have natural deference towards bigger and more muscular individuals. Physical strength also tends to correlate positively with self-confidence and testosterone, which leads to more dominant behavior, which in turn leads to more confidence and yet more social success, in a self-reinforcing loop. I personally have not chosen to go the big muscle way, but I still do keep myself in shape. It’s important to at least avoid getting too out of shape, because that communicates being out of control. It might not be fair, but many people look down at those who are overweight. Exceptions: Fat Tony Exceptions apply, like for example with big dons and druglords who boast a belly as part of their image. I discuss this more deeply in Power University, but to keep it short: don’t make the rule with the exceptions, and stay fit. Also read: The power of being jacked 10 steps to avoid being a beta male This is an excerpt from Power University Related

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About the Author: Lucio Buffalmano Lucio is a social scientist, member of APA and a perpetual researcher of human nature. He teaches power dynamics because he believes that to be good, you first need to learn how to be bad. ThePowerMoves.com is where this new breed of leaders come to train. Power University About Contact T&Cs Privacy Refund Policy Copyright The Power Moves© 2020 · Log in

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You've been randomly selected to try out the new Textise Preview version. Opt in to use this every time. The Preview version features faster loading times and other upcoming improvements. During this extremely difficult time, we at Textise urge everyone to stay safe and adhere to your government's regulations concerning the pandemic. You can get the latest information about the Novel Coronavirus at the World Health Organisation (WHO) site (text-only view). This page has been Textised with the Preview version! The original page address was https://thepowermoves.com/dealing-with-breakupthreats/ For sharing use ... Here are some options: Back to original page (in this window | in a new window) Convert this page to a PDF Print this page Textise Home Page (full version | text only version) Textise Options Page (choose font size, font colour, etc.) Are you a webmaster? Find out how to easily add Textise to your web site. Skip to main content Underpriced's offer is ending. Price jumps in 24 hours. Enroll before it's too late. The Power Moves Power dynamics, life strategies, and owning your life. Start Here Power Definitions Blog Social Power Dynamics Career Strategies Dating For Women Dating For Men Relationships Resources Speed Learning Power University Seduction University Forum

Join In! Here’s What To Do When She Threatens to Break Up December 19, 2017 By Lucio Buffalmano Of all the nastiest power moves one can resort to, threatening to break up might the nastiest -and most toxic to the relationship-. If you have ever been dealing with breakup threats, you know it can be an emotional, even scary moment. In this article, we will deep dive into the manipulative technique that’s sometimes referred to as “holding the relationship hostage”. We will see why a partner might threaten to end the relationship and what are the best ways to handle breakup threats. One note before we start: this article takes the man’s perspective, but most information is also applicable when it’s a boyfriend who threatens to break up. Contents Why People Threaten to Break Up Typical Reactions to Break Up Threats #1. The “Why, Why” Begging Reaction #2. The Brinkmanship Game #3. The Steamroller #4. The Cool Detective Break Up Threats: What They Mean Break Up Threats: Are You The Issue? #1. Mismatch of Needs #2. You’re Not Seeing The Obvious Issue #3. Emotional Distance How to Stop Breakup Threats #1. The Mindset #2. The Technical Side Summary Why People Threaten to Break Up Your partner will threaten to break up because of three different reasons: 1. As a power move (manipulation to achieve a goal or accrue more power) 2. Because she is naturally confrontational and/or emotionally unstable 3. Because you or the relationship are not providing for her basic needs If it’s the first time it happens, you might not be sure which one it is, and that’s exactly what you need to find out. But first, lest’s start by exploring the most common reactions to a break-up threat: Typical Reactions to Break Up Threats

These are the most common reactions men experience when their women threaten to break up: #1. The “Why, Why” Begging Reaction [Image: man tries to convince girlfriend to stay] Breakup threats make us emotional. It’s normal. Especially the first time you hear a breakup threat it will likely blindside you and you will be lost for words (watch this video of Elon Musk being threatened to see what “blindsided” means). The great book Crucial Conversations explains indeed that the more we care about something, the more likely it is we will be overridden by emotions. And the bitterly ironic consequence is that the more we care, the worst we to perform (yep, that evolution shaped us to be the best we can be is just but a silly myth). That being said, this is no excuse not to bring our very best to the table. Some typical reactions of the beggars are (click hyperlinks for video examples): Trying to change her mind Terrible because a push back is a natural answer to a push. Basically, you become the one who’s trying to patch it up and she becomes the one convincing you -and herself- that actually breaking up is a great idea Asking “why, why, why” It’s wrong because, of course, now she is looking for reasons why breaking up is a good idea; Promising change Communicates that you are indeed at fault and/or not good enough. While that might be the case, most often than not, it’s not what leads your partner to threaten the end of the relationship. Being incredulous, stating “we’re good” Similar to trying to change her mind, with the added bonus that if there indeed issues you look clueless. Here’s an example of a man quickly moving to the upper echelons of beggar-dom as soon as she airs her break up intentions: Why Begging is Wrong This should be obvious, but for the sake of clarity:

1. You legitimize her threat 2. You make a very poor showing when you are overridden by emotions and fears Any of the above examples ins indeed communicating that you want the relationship more than she wants it. Since it’s usually the weaker party who is most desperate of clinging to the status quo, it immediately places her above you. And women don’t like being with men who are obviously below them. Thus, the begging reaction confirms to her she should go ahead and enact her threat, which exactly what happened in the video example. #2. The Brinkmanship Game [Image: man tells woman to leave] Similarly to the Beggar, the brinksman wants to keep the relationship. But he knows that trying to change her mind or getting all emotional is the best way to lose her. What the Brinksman does, then, to quote Eminem, is that he’ll be nervous on the inside but on the surface he’ll look calm and ready to drop bombs. And he pretends he will be OK if she goes ahead -possibly better than she will be-. A well-executed game of brinkmanship shows power and strength. If well-executed she will “realize” she is the one most invested in the relationship and will quickly turn things around (Kezia recommends this approach). In the brinkmanship game, the one who shows to being least invested wins. See an example from The Notebook: In the video they are both in love. He walks away first and “needs to think about it”, which drives her crazy. She chases hard, and notice the only time when he actually walks towards her is when she says it’s over. This video very well explains the power of the first mover when it comes to the hideous games of brinkmanship. Why It’s Not Optimal This is not an optimal solution. To begin with, the brinkmanship game doesn’t just communicate you need the relationship less, but also communicates you don’t really care that much about the relationship. Which is what partially happens in the video example, and one of the reasons why she flies into a rage, trying to get a reaction out of him.

But most of all, the biggest drawback of the brinkmanship game, even when you win, it’s exactly that. It’s all about “winning”. You “win”. But great relationships are not zero-sum games, so if you win and she loses it’s still not great for the relationship. The relationship becomes a combative relationship of continuous power struggle. And that sucks. You deserve better than that. Look at another example of brinkmanship escalation: is this a good relationship? #3. The Steamroller The Power steamroller does not accept being pushed into a corner and having to take a step back. He is afraid of any concessions: for him, concessions are a sign of weakness. So as soon as the woman airs the possibility of a breakup, he sees red and he charges head-on. He must win that battle. And so, to prove he’s the man of the relationship, he tells her to go fu** herself before she can do it. The Power Steamroller sounds like the most powerful answer. Probably it’s no coincidence that it’s one of the favorite of most gung-ho “dating coaches” (example) and all the alpha male posturers. It has a certain pull, I can see that. Beggars look at the Alpha Steam rollers and think “wow, that guy.. He’s the man”. Of course, he’s not. Note: Just to be sure, showing her the door right away can be a fair answer, but you must first make sure of that. Why It’s Not Optimal The Steamroller is far more concerned with “proving” his power than to make the right decision. And therein lies the issue. When faced with a scary outcome the Steamroller type is defensive. But true confident men are not defensive. So when the chip falls and it comes to a threat, the steamroller falls into the same bad habits that plagued him the whole relationship long: a focus on himself and ego protection.

The Steamroller never really paid attention and understood her partner, so what are the chances he’ll do so now? And that’s the final and fatal issue with the Steamroller answer: another great occasion to understand her partner goes to waste. Example 1: The Godfather An old school steam roller type is The Godfather. Instead of telling her to go fu** herself though, he tells her she can’t leave (typical of abusive men by the way). Notice the emotionally distant Godfather never really understood his wife. Steamrolling his way into the final showdown only further highlights the huge chasm between him and her, culminating with her saying: Kate: “I feel no love for you anymore” Of course she doesn’t, you can’t love an emotionally distant Steamroller! If there ever was a chance for them to stay together, treating her like an owned object was the last nail in the coffin: Example 2: My Story Years ago an ex girlfriend of mine in rather heavy distress threatened me that, if X happened (don’t remember what X was), she “wouldn’t control herself” (a veiled hint at possible violence). Now there are a few things I don’t tolerate in a relationship, and threats and violence are two of them. I paused, looked at her and said “if that ever happens, it’s over”. As she plunged into silence, lowered her head and looked down, I had won. But “won” what, exactly? What a Pyrrhic “victory”, and what an idiot I was. She had been super sweet until then, what the hell was that? I had no idea if she was serious, or if she could become abusive in the future. Or maybe that the topic was just too emotional for her that she was not being herself? The Steamroller in me never found out. How to find out, then? Enter, The Cool Detective: #4. The Cool Detective

And now we finally come to the optimal way of handling it. As usual, mindsets are key. The cool detective knows that a break up threat is a serious infraction in a relationship. He knows it can be the sign of a major personality flaw and only the first of more problems to come. He knows it means he might be forced to actually end the relationship. But he knows it can also be something else. And he wants to find out. When she threatens to break up the detective breathes in and pauses for a second, looks at her straight in the eyes and with slow, neutral voice tone asks her:

Cool Detective: Now, tell me. Why would you ever say that There aren’t many good examples of this behavior of course, but you can check the Godfather again using a similar technique in a business setting. It’s the famous senator scene. Why It’s The Best When you are faced with a breakup threat you need to take an important decision: whether you want to stay in the relationship or end it. And to make the best information you need to have all the information you can. Especially since said information is readily available staring straight at you. The Cool Detective, such as remaining calm and asking for more information, is the only reaction that will allow you to probe and dig deeper. It’s the only answer to a breakup threat that lets you better understand where you stand, where she stands, and what she’s made of. Douglas Stone explains that in emotionally-laden conversations it’s best to seek to understand first -rather than being understood-. So make sure you let her talk and express freely and safely for as long as it’s needed. And now let’s see why she would even ever threaten to break up: Break Up Threats: What They Mean As we’ve seen at the beginning there are three high-level reasons why she threatens to break up. Let’s review them better: She is naturally confrontational If she sees the relationship as a power struggle, you are probably better off moving on (see Elon Musk relationship as an example).

Talulah Riley: There’s been so many times where I think “alright, I’m gonna get on a plane to England and I’m never gonna see him again From a power dynamics perspective, confrontational women who often threaten breakups feel superior to you and confident you will yield -or at least that you’ll get scared-. That means you can probably do better personality-wise (keep reading The Power Moves :). In case you are also part of that combative attitude, you also need to work on yourself. Check how to fix combative relationships. Personality disorders Breakup threats are common with borderline personality disorders. If she also engages in suicide threats, self-harm and wild emotional swings, then she may be a BPD. It’s a power move Yes, it can be a nasty power move just to get power. 10 Nasty Games Women Play (Women, Stop These!) If that’s the case, let her follow through on the breakup. You’re better off alone than with a nasty partner. But it also might be using the breakup as a bargaining chip to get to something specific -ie., marriage or children-. And that might mean either that the relationship is not very important to her or, more likely, that what she is looking for is very important for her. When that’s the case, either is a poor communicator and has to resort to threats, or you are a bad listener and have not taken note of her needs. In the last case, you as the man also share part of the blame -or ever bear most of the blame-. Let’s dig deeper: Break Up Threats: Are You The Issue? Now we get into real relationship talk. Going full into relationship issues would require a book. But here are three common scenarios why your partner might have a point when she threatens to break up: #1. Mismatch of Needs

You are noncommittal about something important to her (marriage, kids, fidelity… ) You refuse to give in on a major important topic (making it official, allow her to sleep in, meet her parents etc.) In The Laws of Social Exchanges we saw that all relationships also have a transactional and self-interested element. And if you’re not giving something that is critical for your partner, you should really look within yourself and decide. If you want to stay in the relationship, you must provide for her core needs at the very least (here’s an article to help you decide when it’s best to break up). And if you cannot, don’t further waste any more of her time. #2. You’re Not Seeing The Obvious Issue [Image: listening in relationships] Men often have a tendency not to see signs of discomfort which women instead believe are pretty obvious. She might have tried to “explain” you there was a problem with her behavior, but you failed to understand it. She thinks it’s clear, he thinks she’s bitc*ing around. Both are frustrated. Sometimes she might have tried with words, but she starts the talk too strongly and men end up defensive, stonewalling or escalating. The result: arguments multiply and issues don’t get solved (example). #3. Emotional Distance You are distant, emotionally unavailable, or generally fail to care about her and the relationship (maybe you’re an avoidant and you’re in an anxious/avoidant relationship trap). She still probably likes you and that’s why she “threatens to break up” instead of just doing it. Deep down she hopes that threatening to end the relationship will make you realize that you should take care of her a bit more. In these cases, the “break up threat” is a communication failure from her side. The threat is actually a cry for help. It reads “care about me” or “show me you care”. That was exactly the example we saw earlier from The Notebook. Bad listeners and emotional distance are the situations where the Cool Detective approach helps you the most. It will help you unearth what’s going on, what’s missing, and what you can do to get back on a positive track.

How to Stop Breakup Threats This is only going to be relevant if you decided to stay in the relationship. Which you should only if: 1. Your girlfriend is not playing power games 2. Holding the relationship hostage is not her modus operandi and if 3. You can provide what’s lacking If you want to keep the relationship, then you might even use the occasion to get better together. Let’s start: #1. The Mindset Your mindset should be to only accept supportive relationships. And to always work and move towards that ideal relationship. Bar violence, threatening to break up is the hallmark of the worst kind of combative relationships and it’s not to be accepted. #2. The Technical Side The next step is to let her know just that. After you let her vent and clarified, say something like this: Look, I hear you, I understand how important it is for you and I’m very glad we clarified and can fix this issue. Now there’s something else I need to add as well. I can’t deny that when you came up with a threat, because that’s what you did, I was disappointed. Very disappointed. As I often tell you, I see relationships as teams, and as a way of adding value to each other. I only want a relationship where we are a team and we both make each other better. Think about it, have I ever threatened you, or do you think it’s likely I ever would? Exactly. The point is, in a great relationship there’s no space for threats. And I expect of you that the next time you’re unhappy you speak to me instead. Do you understand what I mean? Do you think you can do that? Good And by the way, it’s very powerful having people willingly raise to your level of expectations. She will only admire you that much more after this. Summary A breakup threat is a serious offense, and if you are not doing anything wrong it’s acceptable only once.

Sometimes though it happens because she sees no other options with you and/or you are not meeting her basic needs. How you answer her first threat will set the tone for the rest of your relationship. And now you have the right tools to answer well. In a nutshell: 1. remain calm 2. ask “why would you say that” 3. let all the real issues come to the surface 4. make your call: end it or addressing the root causes? 5. If the latter, fix it and let her know from now on only open dialogue and team-spirit are accepted . keep monitoring And enjoy a much-improved relationship. -Lucio Related

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1 21 Filed Under: Relationships, Social Power Moves Tagged With: boyfriends threatens to break up, dealing with breakup threats, holding relationship hostage, my girlfriends threatens to break up, threatening to break up, threatening to break up manipulation, what to do when she threatens to breakup, what to do when she wants a divorce, what to do when she wants to break up, what to say when your partner wants to break up, when she threatens to break up [Image: lucio founder of the power moves] About the Author: Lucio Buffalmano Lucio is a social scientist, member of APA and a perpetual researcher of human nature. He teaches power dynamics because he believes that to be good, you first need to learn how to be bad. ThePowerMoves.com is where this new breed of leaders come to train. Power University About Contact T&Cs

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You've been randomly selected to try out the new Textise Preview version. Opt in to use this every time. The Preview version features faster loading times and other upcoming improvements. During this extremely difficult time, we at Textise urge everyone to stay safe and adhere to your government's regulations concerning the pandemic. You can get the latest information about the Novel Coronavirus at the World Health Organisation (WHO) site (text-only view). This page has been Textised with the Preview version! The original page address was https://thepowermoves.com/dirty-negotiation-tactics/ For sharing use ... Here are some options: Back to original page (in this window | in a new window) Convert this page to a PDF Print this page Textise Home Page (full version | text only version) Textise Options Page (choose font size, font colour, etc.) Are you a webmaster? Find out how to easily add Textise to your web site. Skip to main content Underpriced's offer is ending. Price jumps in 12 hours. Enroll before it's too late. The Power Moves Power dynamics, life strategies, and owning your life. Start Here Power Definitions Blog Social Power Dynamics Career Strategies Dating For Women Dating For Men Relationships Resources Speed Learning Power University Seduction University Forum Join In! 20 Manipulative Negotiation Tactics April 22, 2019 By Lucio Buffalmano Being the victim of manipulative negotiation tactics sucks. Luckily, you don’t have to be a victim. By the end of this article, you will learn the psychology of manipulative negotiation, and how you can defend against them. [Image: dirty negotiation tactics] Always watch out for parties whose interest align against yours Contents #1. Feign Disappointment #2. Say: “You’ll have to do better than that“ #3. Say: “Don’t Be So Defensive“

#4. Invent A Higher Authority That Limits Your Freedom to Concede #5. Wrestle Last-Minute Concession With Made Up Last-Minute Problems #6. Play Good Cop / Bad Cop #7. Let Them Come to You #8. Outnumber Them: The Encirclement Tactic #9. Get The Last Drops, Before The Champagne Pops (AKA: Nibbling Technique) #10. Flinch At The First Number #11. Say: “Let’s Avoid Games, What’s Your Bottom Line?“ #12. Get Angry: The Intimidatory Negotiation #13. Pretend to Notice A Defect (“Ooops, I hadn’t seen this, please adjust the price“) #14. Assume The Negotiation’s Ended (In Your Favor) #15. Empathize To Screw Them Better Manipulative Negotiation Psychology Go E-Negotiation With More Powerful Negotiators SUMMARY #1. Feign Disappointment Power negotiators will purposefully act disappointed during negotiations. Studies show that looking disappointed is likely to decrease your demands and increase the size of your concessions because you unconsciously feel like you need to give more to re-balance the relationship. Power negotiators will act like they don’t like your offer even they are very happy. They do it for two reasons: 1. They can get even happier by faking unhappy and asking for more 2. If they look happy you might decrease your offer or think twice about it This is especially important on the first offer. As a matter of fact, power movers rarely take the first offer at all. Dirty-Negotiation Buster When they play unhappy, tell them that unluckily there is not so much room on such a good offer of yours. But if they tell you what they’re looking for you’ll take it to your guys (this is the “higher authority game”, more on it later). Not strictly about negotiation, but the concept is the same. By not looking impressed Ashton Kutch is keeping his value high. #2. Say: “You’ll have to do better than that“ Simple technique, the dirty negotiator just says: Power Negotiator: You’ll have to do better than that Then he stays silent and waits for you to take a step back and make a concession. Dirty-Negotiation Buster Here is how you answer: Power Negotiator: You’ll have to do better than that You: How much better exactly This way you keep control of the interaction while also avoiding unneeded escalations. #3. Say: “Don’t Be So Defensive“ This is a sneaky psychological technique partially based on reverse psychology. In this website’s guide to manipulation, I call this technique “manipulative peace talk”. They will resort to this when they realize you are not trusting them or that you are not going along with their manipulation. Then they will tell you not to be so defensive and then maybe crack a joke to relax you. For example:

Power Negotiator: Jake! You are being so defensive! Relax my man , we’re just discussing a deal and it’s looking like a great deal for you. You are basically going to bankrupt us unless we can can get something out of that defensive fortress of yours! That’s a fake release of tension. When you accept that tension release and laugh, you are also buying into their frame that the negotiation is going great for you and you need to make more concessions. Dirty-Negotiation Buster Don’t defend by saying you’re not defensive. If you answer seriously to that sentence, psychologically, you might be pushed into acting more open and trustworthy just to prove them wrong. Instead, say something like: You: the way you’re dealing with me is causing me to be defensive. And if you want to look into that, I’ll tell you exactly why… “. Now you’re taking the lead role. You can always reply with a joke, like: You: don’t worry mate, since we’re such good friends if things go south for you, you’re always welcome to sleep over at my place. You cook though Or you can deal with it the dominant way that Putin used against Obama: #4. Invent A Higher Authority That Limits Your Freedom to Concede You always know you’re dealing with a clueless, ego-driven muppet when they present themselves as the final authority. When a sales manager, for example, says he has some “latitude for deciding on price”, you know he has little to no power. The real power negotiators of this world instead like to present themselves in the guise of a lamb. They actively pretend they can’t make the final decision by themselves, and they say they need approval from the higher authority above them. Then they can leverage that (non-existing) higher authority for all sorts of games -including a possible good cop/bad cop games. A fictitious higher authority affords several advantages, including: 1. Allows to delay the negotiation by saying they need to ask their people 2. Allows to be tough without looking nasty (they’d be nice if they could, but their bosses are pushing them) 3. Allows to play the “last-minute concession game” on you (keep reading) Dirty-Negotiation Buster Here are a few ways to deal with this dirty negotiation tactic: 1. pretend you believe him and make a mental check-mark of the game he’s playing; 2. say “oh come on, you’re not playing good cop/bad cop with me are you”; 3. say “OK, and when do your people meet? I’d love to come by and speak with them too”; 4. say “ah please, you’re the expert/director/boss, those guys must always be following your decisions don’t they”

#5. Wrestle Last-Minute Concession With Made Up Last-Minute Problems 98 times out of a 100 a last-minute “problem” to get a last-minute concession is a manipulative negotiation tactic. They might, for example, OK the transaction and tell you they “just need the final approval from the board”, making it sound like it’s a done deal (notice that the board is the higher authority here). But then they come back to you saying that the board is being difficult and they asked for a further concession. Dirty-Negotiation Buster

When they get back to you with the higher authority game tell them you also need to speak to your people / think it over. Then get back to them asking for another concession back. And if they need you more than you need them, you can go for power showdown here. Here is how you will blindside them: You: Look Mark, I thought about this, and I really want to hold my side of the deal But I ran some numbers and I’m getting busier and busier with more demand here and, well.. I don’t like reneging my own word, but with this market I need to charge a 10% more. Now just because I gave you a different price, I can do 5% just for you. But I need to know by end of the week. #6. Play Good Cop / Bad Cop The most famous of the dirty negotiation tactics. Here are a few scenarios of good cop / bad cop: 1. Bad cop is strict, good cop seems more malleable 2. Bad cop gets angry and leaves the room while good cop plays friendly 3. Good cop says he would give it to you it but his people (higher authority bad cop) don’t allow Dirty-Negotiation Buster Create your own bad cop. Or pretend you’re falling for it and use it to your advantage to see what they propose / offer. When the good cop proposes a deal, you will know what’s a good deal for them and you will know what you must not accept. Here is an example from the movie “Jackie Brown”: The police officer is playing good cop by creating an external bad cop who’s not even there. #7. Let Them Come to You Perceived power is crucial in negotiations because, as research shows, negotiators with more power get more concessions and weaker negotiators give more concessions. Power is expressed in many ways, for example: Come to my office (location) I’m only free at X time, good for you? (time logistics) I don’t have time this week, call me again next week OK? (who chases whom) If you can avoid, avoid going to their place or office. Going to their office is an implied statement that they have more power. Also, people meeting on their own turf feel more powerful and secure, while you feel less powerful and secure. That will give them an unfair advantage. Dirty-Negotiation Buster Counter-propose your location or say it’s fair to meet middle way. Also try never to chase too hard unless you’re aware and willing you are giving away power and/or you’re doing it as part of an overall strategy. #8. Outnumber Them: The Encirclement Tactic Negotiations, especially in the beginning, are often perceived as a power tug of war. And when manipulative negotiators show up outnumbering you, that can easily put you on the back foot. Especially if they sit all together on one side of the table or, even worst, they sit around you, they are going for an antagonistic frame of “us, many VS you, alone” (Robert Greene refer to the psychologically devastating effects of encirclement in “The 33 Strategies of War“). But also watch out if one sits near you while the other sit in front as that might be the game plan of playing bad cop (in front of you) and good cop (besides you).

Dirty-Negotiation Buster Tell them: You: I was expecting to see youm Mark, why did you come with two friends Power Negotiator: They are also interested and they were free, so here we are, let’s sit down now, shall we

You: Look, instead of playing negotiation games, I’d rather find a win-win approach, fair enough? If you are feeling particularly bold and you know for sure there is no point for more people to be involved, this can also be a valid approach: You: look, I have been in touch with you Mark, and if you don’t mind I prefer speaking with just one person. The more we are, the more complicated it gets and I like to keep things simple. (looking at the extra people) I know a wonderful restaurant I can recommend to you guys The last line is such a sweet power move, isn’t it :). #9. Get The Last Drops, Before The Champagne Pops (AKA: Nibbling Technique) You know the feeling when you are nearing a solution and signature time is coming? Finally, you can release the tension, sit back, chill… And maybe go with the guys for a beer. That’s when you let down your guard and start looking forward to finally wrapping things up, and maybe celebrate.

And it’s right there and then that the most manipulative negotiators will try to squeeze the last drops. They might say: Dirty Negotiator: Oh, by the way, you will repaint the walls before leaving right? If you say “no” or that it’s not the right time to add any more clauses, they might try to make it look like it was “obvious” that you had to do it. For example: Dirty Negotiator: Oh come on man, we didn’t discuss it because it’s standard procedure, everyone does it. I have no words to express how much I dislike this game and the people engaging in it. Dirty-Negotiation Buster There are several ways you can counteract this highly manipulative negotiation technique. Much of it comes down to frame control. For example: You: Not true at all, you say everyone, but everyone who? Where I come from nobody does and nobody asks for it. So don’t be a Grinch now that we’re almost done. Or: 1. Smile as if they were joking; 2. Tell them they’re getting an awesome deal as it is and that’s it; 3. Tell them that after that dirty power move the lunch right after the signature is on them. But if they hurry to sign you’ll be nice enough to still toast with them. Then smile and wait #10. Flinch At The First Number Power negotiators will sometimes “jump” at your first ask price or offer. That’s called “the flinch”, and it’s a strong nonverbal reaction that communicates the following: Power mover: are you crazy with that number? Please come down immediately And when you come down immediately, you lose both power and credibility. Here is an example of the flich:

Of course, the good power negotiator will rarely go for the dramatic flinch because the dramatic version is offensive towards you and/your product and it’s a big rapport breaker. The best negotiators have high emotional intelligence, and they will do more subtly. For example, they’ll pause for a second, look a bit flustered and pensive, as if they were thinking “damn, I really wanted to make this deal, but with that crazy price… “. And then, they do the unexpected. They compliment you and build you as they subtly pull the flinch on you. Something like this: High EQ Negotiator: Hmmm.. I can see why you can ask for that much. It’s a great service, I’m a big fan. I really want to find a way to work with you… See the manipulative game being played here? They are buttering you up and building rapport while making it easy for you to lower the price without losing face (see Dale Carnegie on saving people’s face). It’s the poor negotiator who criticizes you or your services in an effort to lower your price (see “low ball technique” for the science and a complete walk-through). Dirty-Negotiation Buster Do NOT renege your first offer right away after their flinch or they will have you. Instead, ask what they had in mind, then flinch back (power negotiations can be funny, eh? :). And if they butter you up, say Thank you, thank you, I’d also love working with you, so I hope you can find a way to pay the fair price so that we can start right away. #11. Say: “Let’s Avoid Games, What’s Your Bottom Line?“ If you thought that “no game” and “game” are antithetic, you’re right. A common dirty negotiation tactic is indeed to pretend they don’t want to play any games and that they don’t even want to negotiate. So please, just tell them your last price so you can all save some time and, maybe, get to work. But of course, this can easily be a manipulative negotiation tactic to get you close to your bare minimum so that they can negotiate from a position of power. A similar technique is to pretend that they are about to sign with a competitor of yours. But before signing with that other vendor, they’ll come to you and “give you a last-minute chance” by saying: “Could you please give me your absolute bottom line?” They frame it as if they don’t have time, so you can give them your best offer and maybe snatch a customer away from your competitor. But often, there was no other competitor they were just about to sign with. Dirty-Negotiation Buster 1. Say that the official price tag is already super attractive; 2. Tell them you are to start with another customer and if they want your service they should hurry at the offered price; 3. Give them a price which is very near the official price tag #12. Get Angry: The Intimidatory Negotiation Studies show that bursts of anger can provide more concessions to the angry yeller. This works especially for negotiators who are more powerful than their victims. When powerful negotiators get angry, the less powerful party demands less value regardless of the appropriateness of the expressions of anger (Van Kleef, 2007). Bursts of anger work in part like acting disappointed: we feel that the relationship is unbalanced and we must give to rebalance it.

But when it’s a powerful negotiation who uses it, it functions as a dominance power move: it generates concessions out of fear and it can increase the perceived power of the angry party (a weak party usually does not get angry).

P.S.: Adelyn Birch rightly points out that anger outbursts are also an emotionally abusive technique that abusive partners and power-obsessed partners -most often men- use to control relationships. Dirty-Negotiation Buster Stay unflustered and make a mental note they are dirty negotiators and you can’t trust them. Then look at them with icy control and say You: I’d rather keep things calm and respectful. Hopefully, you can manage to keep your emotional outbursts in check. Boom. Or simply yell right back at them. #13. Pretend to Notice A Defect (“Ooops, I hadn’t seen this, please adjust the price“) The dirty negotiators will string you along until the end of the negotiation. And then, maybe right in front of the notary, they will come up with a problem in the contract they had “failed to notice”. At that point, they will try to get one last (big) concession from you to go ahead and sign. This technique leverages the psychological bias of sunk costs. Since you have already invested so much time in the interaction, you might be willing to give one last concession simply not to “waste” all that time. Dirty-Negotiation Buster 1. Tell them the issue is already priced in; 2. If you want to try to avoid an escalation, tell them that if they drop the games lunch is on you right after the signature (then feel free to go your own way) #14. Assume The Negotiation’s Ended (In Your Favor) A typical sales technique is that of assuming the sale. And there is a similar power move in negotiations. It consists of “moving past the negotiation” by starting to talk about the details of the service or product instead of the details of the deals. Example: Dirty Negotiator: When would you like to move in Or: Dirty Negotiator: Can you start tomorrow The technique also works in negotiations. But of course, when you start to discuss the deal as an already foregone conclusion you are giving a lot of your negotiation power. Here is an interesting example of the last job interview I took, which I took because this website still needed to grow and because I wanted to test out some negotiation theories): [Image: Example of manipulative negotiation technique in email]

We hadn’t even finalized compensation and he’s jumping to “starting right away”. Then he tries to make me go to their place at their time (logistics power move) and takes for granted I’m cool with everything (assuming the end of negotiation). And even adds the busy power move -“unfortunately can’t earlier“. Dirty-Negotiation Buster

If you’re interested in their offer don’t play offended and don’t say you haven’t decided yet because you don’t want risk souring the relationship with a possible employer. I recommend you say something like this: You: yeah I look forward to it, but before we get there I would like to focus on the details of the deal here. We were talking about… Alternatively, if you got leverage, you can go to the high-risk counter-power move, which is to refuse. Refuse, but leave that door ajar, just enough for them to change tune and “try to change your mind”, which will turn the tables and give you all the power. Like this: [Image: example to negotiate with power] If you have leverage, the walk-away gambit will lay bare all your power in the negotiation, and you will often see a big U-turn on their side and you can negotiate from a position of power. See their reply: What a U-turn eh? Now with that, all the power is on my side. But by that time he had already burned himself and I never replied. #15. Empathize To Screw Them Better Another highly manipulative negotiation technique you must be aware of is that of the (fake) empathizer. This is what Chris Voss talks about in “Never Split the Difference” as a hostage negotiator. Voss is the representative of a psychological revolution in the way that modern host-negotiators approach criminals.

The new breed of negotiators don’t chest-thump but instead listen to the kidnappers’ woes, let them vent and empathize. The empathizer is the most lethal technique when you are desperate or at your worst because that’s exactly when you need the empathizers the most. Example: Imagine you are negotiating your severance package after you have been fired. Your boss now is gone, and it’s just you and the HR representative (now playing a sort of good cop game). They say HR: I’m sorry, you are such an esteemed person around here. How do you feel Maybe they will add: HR: We are aware that your manager has some issues. Then you complain about your boss, and they will be all ears. They will say that unluckily they have been powerless in booting your manager. Hopefully, things will change soon, they hint. Now you’re so happy that your bad boss will be getting the boot soon. Then maybe they say they know you bought a house, hinting at your mortgage. They ask how do you feel about that, and if you think you’ll find a job soon. And then they close the circle: HR: I have some a good network in town with other recruiters, let’s do a lunch soon Boom: now they set up reciprocity and with the hint of future help you’re also careful of not being overly aggressive in negotiation as that might jeopardize their help (which might never materialize, BTW). Dirty-Negotiation Buster Understand that some negotiations are win-lose, and your job is to make the other party the loser.

To insulate yourself, a good technique is to smile but, deep down, to consider everyone across the table an enemy (a fun read to get into that mindset: What Would Machiavelli Do). [Image: blank]

Manipulative Negotiation Psychology And here are a few more manipulative negotiation tactics based on psychology, emotional intelligence and social skills: The Negotiator… Who’s Just So Like You Schmoozing and small talk is all good and that’s how you should start negotiations. But if you notice a bit too much mimicking of your body language, a few too many commonalities and a faster than usual personal disclosure, then watch out: they can all be used for manipulation. Solution: It’s great to like people, but focus on the ball (ie.: the transaction). The Gift-Giving Manipulator Another manipulative technique is to leverage our inborn tendency to reciprocity. The problem is that our natural tendency to give back does not differentiate much between “sizes of giving”. Thus buying you the menu lunch will make you soften on that 5% price you’re discussing for your house. But the former is worth 10 Euros, the latter is worth 10.000 Euros. Solution: Focus on the transaction, and don’t let anyone buy you lunch (“despise the free lunch”, says Robert Greene). The Manipulative “Fair Negotiator” Research shows that around half of cooperative negotiators are actually wolves in sheep’s clothing. The manipulative negotiator here will say something like: “I’m just looking for a fair deal”. Or: “I only do win-win deals” and maybe they’ll even drop some Stephen Covey quote on you. Whenever I hear those sentences my alarm bells go off, and I recommend you also raise your levels of alertness. The Inspirational Negotiator Any crap of “rebirth”, “change”, “opportunity”… They are true actually. But only if they come from friends and people who care about you. Not from the people you are negotiation with: Here is a rule of thumb: whenever you are negotiating something important where money or your future is at stake, treat it as a cold business transaction. The Complimenter Finally, if they compliment you for your negotiation skills or for the deal you got, be careful. They might be happy with the results and simply want to make sure you stick with the agreement. Research indeed shows that employees follow through on the agreement and stay longer on the job not based on what they negotiated, but based on how they feel about the negotiation (the objective value of subjective value). Highly informed HR personnel knows this, so consider that the final negotiation sweetener might actually be poison.

More manipulative negotiation techniques from the forums: The pity play Honey-deal trap Fake self-disclosure to acquire juicy information (example from my neighbor) Using indirect threats to gain a discount (example from ThePowerMoves.com) How to pitch 2 employers against each other for higher salary Go E-Negotiation With More Powerful Negotiators

Be aware that when there is a power differential in-person meetings tend to bring that power differential to full fruition. This includes both negotiation power and social power which is expressed, for example, through hard questioning, bullying tactics and pressuring. What to do then? Well, studies show that electronic communication tends to produce more equitable outcomes when there is a power disparity. Croson, the researcher, says: In particular, the electronic medium “levels the playing field” between stronger and weaker negotiators Electronic communication is also better for people who are not as experienced, not as aggressive and/or not as good at thinking on their feet. Please don’t be the idiot who pounds his chest… And then pays through his nose for his ego-thumping.

SUMMARY Understanding negotiation power dynamics is crucial to your success… In pretty much any life endeavor. Self-help guru like to say that to become a billionaire you must help a billion people. But that’s only one side of the coin, so don’t be a Pollyanna about it. There are also plenty of rich men who got rich screwing up a billion people. Research and real-world evidence shows that an adversarial approach to negotiation can be counterproductive. And that’s why the most insidious power negotiators often use a more manipulative approach than one purely based on dominance. This article showed you the game they play and how you can protect yourself. You can read more at: Unethical hacks to sell a house Unethical hacks to buy a house And of course: This is a preview of Power University. Power University the complete course that will insulate you from all manipulation and power moves. Related

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19 23 Filed Under: Influence & Persuasion, Social Power Moves, Workplace Power Tagged With: dirty negotiation tactics, dirty negotiation techniques, manipulative negotiation, manipulative tectics in negotiation [Image: lucio founder of the power moves] About the Author: Lucio Buffalmano Lucio is a social scientist, member of APA and a perpetual researcher of human nature. He teaches power dynamics because he believes that to be good, you first need to learn how to be bad. ThePowerMoves.com is where this new breed of leaders come to train. Power University About Contact

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You've been randomly selected to try out the new Textise Preview version. Opt in to use this every time. The Preview version features faster loading times and other upcoming improvements. During this extremely difficult time, we at Textise urge everyone to stay safe and adhere to your government's regulations concerning the pandemic. You can get the latest information about the Novel Coronavirus at the World Health Organisation (WHO) site (text-only view). This page has been Textised with the Preview version! The original page address was https://thepowermoves.com/alpha-male-posturing/ For sharing use ... Here are some options: Back to original page (in this window | in a new window) Convert this page to a PDF Print this page Textise Home Page (full version | text only version) Textise Options Page (choose font size, font colour, etc.) Are you a webmaster? Find out how to easily add Textise to your web site. Skip to main content Underpriced's offer is ending. Price jumps in 12 hours. Enroll before it's too late. The Power Moves Power dynamics, life strategies, and owning your life. Start Here Power Definitions Blog Social Power Dynamics Career Strategies Dating For Women Dating For Men Relationships Resources Speed Learning Power University Seduction University Forum Join In!

Alpha Male Posturing: Why You Must Quit That Sh*t! December 20, 2018 By Lucio Buffalmano Alpha male posturing is the ensemble of behaviors that seeks to show off how “alpha” one is. It includes exaggerated self-promotion, bragging, social climbing, status inflating behavior, and of course attacking others to feel better by comparison. This article will show you why people do it, how it works psychologically and socially and, finally, it will give you a few pointers on moving past that value-taking mindset. [Image: alpha male posturing] I feel so alpha.. As long as I can ridicule the betas. Contents Alpha Male Posturing: A Definition Alpha Fucks Beta Bucks Alpha Male Posturing Example Psychological Payoff of Alpha Posturing The Bigger The Cuck, The Better I Feel Social Pay-Offs of Male Posturing Male Posturing Video Why Alpha Posturing is Weak When Criticizing Others is OK Moving Past Alpha Posturing SUMMARY Alpha Male Posturing: A Definition Here is a definition of alpha male posturing: Alpha male posturing includes all the behaviors and attitudes that seek to inflate one’s own social status and self-esteem by creating an outgroup of “inferior” people to be attacked and ridiculed. The Power moves In Red Pill circles, the groups to be ridiculed and framed as “inferior” group goes by the names of “cuck”, “beta” et similar. But most groups that develop an edge of toxicity always develop new epithets for the inferior groups. The key in this definition is “inflating one’s own value”. Because, at the core, alpha male posturing is nothing but an example of social climbing: it’s about pushing people down so that I can pull myself up. Alpha Fucks Beta Bucks

If you have taken a peek around the manosphere or any Red Pill community you have probably come across terms such as “cuck”, “beta” or “beta bucks”. As a matter of fact, you can barely get by a single post or article without being peppered with those names. For the record: Cuck means “cuckold”, as in men who are so unattractive that their women cheat on them with alpha males or some lover-types. Beta means “beta males”, which is a portrait of weak men as opposed to “alpha males”. Beta bucks, refers to more boring and plain men who supposedly buy sex and get into relationships by wining and dining her (ie.: a pejorative word for a “provider role“). All these terms sound rather mean and, for their purpose, they have to be. They have to be to serve the purpose of group-cohesion and psychological self-protection (ie.: they are so bad that and so different that I could never be one of them) Let’s see: Alpha Male Posturing Example I didn’t need to dig much to find an example of alpha male posturing. On the very first page of The Red Pill on Reddit I found the perfect example (original post here): [Image: reddit alpha male posturing] The poster is describing how an ex FWB he was seeing -a “plate” as per Rollo Tomassi plate theory-, met another man and soon got married. The message implies that the poster does not know the new guy, yet looks how much inferring he does: 1. Probably has a good job (ie.: stable and likely boring) 2. Doesn’t put himself out there (ie.: doesn’t try to improve) 3. Does not approach women 4. Is a really passive guy Now, what is this poster actually doing and communicating? What this poster is doing is this: he picks a random guy whom he doesn’t even know and points finger so that he can look good by comparison. What’s not written but implied in this communication is this: 1. I didn’t need a good job to fuck that girl because I’m attractive 2. I put myself out there: I’m a brave alpha

3. I’m not a passive guy: I’m a brave alpha 4. Like me because I’m alpha The game is this: make someone else look shit so that I can look good by comparison. As we will soon see, this is an inherently weak game. Psychological Payoff of Alpha Posturing People posture for both social status and ego-massaging. When we criticize others we also feel superior. We get to be in the power position of judges, we get an ego boost from others nodding their head at us and we shore up our flailing self-esteem. Here is the interesting phenomenon now: the original poster or commentator gets the biggest boost in terms of social status, but the whole community as well gets a boost in self esteem and a smaller social status boost by jumping on the bandwagon. Here is how: An Orgy of Ego Self-Massaging By commenting and agreeing, everyone basks in the limelight of the original commenter. They get to make the original commentator feel good and increase his status while they also get a small boost social status by following in his footsteps. And everyone gets an equal boost in self-esteem by feeling superior the “cucks” out there. Win-win… Or so it feels. It’s often a cyclical ego-propping anyway. Today you post and I prop your ego by agreeing with you, tomorrow I post and you prop mine. So you get a whole army of people all moving in circle and following in each others’ footsteps, building up each other’s self-esteem while they all point to the cucks in the middle of merry-go-round circus. In a way, it’s a big online circus of emotional self-help. Let’s all point out to an enemy out there and then let’s all feel better by making fun of him and up-voting each other. The Bigger The Cuck, The Better I Feel Here is another off-shoot phenomenon of posturing. The worst and more ridiculous you can make your opponent appear, the better you feel. Which is one of the reasons why these communities are no actually good for learning. The issues they discuss are designed to make them feel good, not to really

examine, learn and improve. This technique is similar to the strawman fallacy, where the attacker exaggerates the negative traits of the opponent so to score an easier win –a strawman example used by Tucker Carlson– Look at this example: [Image: alpha male posturing example] Notice that this example is so far out there you wonder if he is describing something he saw or if he’s making it up as an extreme example. Now of course, it might even be real, sure there are dysfunctional relationships with similar dynamics where the man accepts that kind of abuse. Yet they are rare, and they are not the norm. But by making it seem like the norm, the people in that community get to feel even more special. And of course, with that black and white thinking they don’t get to learn social dynamics and dating all that well. Social Pay-Offs of Male Posturing Social climbing is nothing new. It happens in most social groups, and at all levels of abstraction. Nations want to feel superior to other nations, men want to feel superior to women and different professions want to feel superior to other professions. It’s all the same game: build your own cool ingroup, point fingers towards an inferior outgroup, and feel good by comparison. Basically it works like this: if we can find a group of people who’s inferior to us, we can then feel great by comparison. And if we can’t find one, let’s make one up! And that’s the addictive part that tribes offer to their members: the ego boost and self-esteem massaging of “tribe superiority”. This is a well known phenomenon in sociology and dictators of all times have used it to shore up political support, remove people’s attention from more important issues or carry out ugly personal vendettas against this or that social group. Prosecutions, progroms and lynchings are extreme examples that leverage similar dynamics of social climbing and posturing. The jews had big noses, they were money-grabbing sharks, they killed Jesus.. They were no like us, God fearing, value-driven good guys (sure thing). Male Posturing Video I was looking for a video example on alpha male posturing, and then realized that this guy basically made a video charicature of one of the core messages of this post:

“The most alpha thing you can is to judge others to put beneath you to make yourself feel superior” LOL, nailed it! Why Alpha Posturing is Weak Posturing is weak. And albeit “insecure” is often abused these days to criticize anyone we don’t like, posturing does often communicate insecurity. One research for example shows that when men speak loudly, women rated them as more aggressive. But, crucially, also insecure. And that’s not attractive. Alpha male posturing says the following: Communicates lack of deep confidence Social climbing says you’re nowhere near the top You look nasty to anyone who’s not playing posturing games If we go back to the original definition of alpha male posturing: Alpha male posturing seeks to inflate one’s own social status and self-esteem by creating an outgroup (..). When you need external props and when you need to expand so much effort to pump your own ego and self-esteem, you are also inherently communicating that you need that self-esteem boost because you don’t have enough. And that’s the definition of insecurity. When we point fingers and try to look better by comparison, we are by definition engaging in social climbing. And when we engage in social climbing it means we are far from the top. [Image: alpha male posturing] When Criticizing Others is OK There are a few exceptions when criticizing can be used strategically to bond and connect with people. I talk about such an exception in my article on making women compliment you. In a nutshell, when you strategically criticize someone far away in a way that you make you and a girl both feel superior, then you are indirectly complimenting her and creating an “us” frame which can help seduction. In that case, and in a few other rare exceptions, fare game. Moving Past Alpha Posturing Moving past alpha male posturing means growing as men and persons. It means reaching a point where our self-esteem is internally-generated and doesn’t

need any nasty behavior for props. Here are a few articles and resources to get you started: Moving beyond Red Pill anger On the fairness of women “having it so easy” Developing a growth mindset Anti-fragile ego Overcoming entitlement mentality Social Power SUMMARY This article showed you what (alpha male) posturing is, how it manifests and why it exists. If you see posturing behavior in yourself, don’t worry, there is no shame: it’s a natural human tendency -men more than women-. But natural doesn’t mean “good”. And if you want to move forward in life and develop yourself -like really developing yourself-, then you gotta police your posturing tendencies for a while and eventually most past it. And since you’re here, drop the need for social status as well: The futility of social status Related

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Filed Under: Social Power Moves, Social Power Theory Tagged With: posturing, social posturing [Image: lucio founder of the power moves] About the Author: Lucio Buffalmano Lucio is a social scientist, member of APA and a perpetual researcher of human nature. He teaches power dynamics because he believes that to be good, you first need to learn how to be bad. ThePowerMoves.com is where this new breed of leaders come to train. Power University

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You've been randomly selected to try out the new Textise Preview version. Opt in to use this every time. The Preview version features faster loading times and other upcoming improvements. During this extremely difficult time, we at Textise urge everyone to stay safe and adhere to your government's regulations concerning the pandemic. You can get the latest information about the Novel Coronavirus at the World Health Organisation (WHO) site (text-only view). This page has been Textised with the Preview version! The original page address was https://thepowermoves.com/guilt-tripping-culture/ For sharing use ... Here are some options: Back to original page (in this window | in a new window) Convert this page to a PDF Print this page Textise Home Page (full version | text only version) Textise Options Page (choose font size, font colour, etc.) Are you a webmaster? Find out how to easily add Textise to your web site. Skip to main content Underpriced's offer is ending. Price jumps in 12 hours. Enroll before it's too late. The Power Moves Power dynamics, life strategies, and owning your life. Start Here Power Definitions Blog Social Power Dynamics Career Strategies Dating For Women Dating For Men Relationships Resources Speed Learning Power University Seduction University Forum Join In!

Don’t Allow The Guilt-Tripping Culture to Disempower You March 10, 2020 By Lucio Buffalmano We are in the midst of a systemic, worldwide, “guilt-tripping movement”. This guilt-tripping movement is actual aggression, hiding behind the guise of fake social justice. The Power Dictionary calls it “privileged guilt-tripping”, and defines it as such: The hostility or outright aggression, either overt or covert, directed towards certain groups of people who are accused of enjoying or exploiting an unfair advantage to the detriment of others. Depending on the severity of the attacks the accusations of “unfair advantage” can become accusations of bullying, abuse, or crime. The groups under attack are sometimes referred to as “privileged”. And if you are in any of those groups now considered as “privileged”, you must watch out. The guilt-tripping movement is out to get you. Let’s analyze how it works, so we can overthrow its controlling yoke. [Image: guilt tripping culture] Contents The Sneaky Double-Bind of The Guilt-Culture SJWs & The Emotional Harm of the Guilt-Culture Life Isn’t Fair: Accept It Three Antidotes to Guilt The Sneaky Double-Bind of The Guilt-Culture The guilt-culture is nothing new under the sun.

It’s just the way with which loosely-connected groups of people with somewhat of a common goal fight the war for influence and power. But today, it happens to be sneakier than in the past. In a way, the guilt-movement is a big, society-wide form of double-bind. This is how it works: I despise you because you are abusing of your privileges to oppress me and bully me. But you can’t despise me because, if you do, you confirm that you are oppressing me, and that I am right for despising you. Be damned if you accept their finger-pointing, and be damned if you seek to rebel against it.

People who don’t see the double-bind and accept that frame, end up feeling guilty and without any recourse -and often, without having done nothing wrong-. The Aggressive Nature of Attacking the Privileged Let’s be clear about this: There is value and heroism in standing up against abuse. The first woman who stood up for the right for divorce, was a hero. And the people who campaigned until divorce was legalized were part of a force for good. The first women to face backlash for demanding the right to abortion were civil heroes. Rosa Parks refusing to stand up was also a hero. But today? There might still be a few kinks we need to iron out. But today most of the basic rights are already in place. Today women, blacks, gays, trans and whatever group was previously marginalized can do pretty much anything that straight white men can. Today, there is no more value in keeping up the incendiary and aggressive rhetoric. Going on the assault against (white) men today is about power and other darker motives, not about civil rights, freedom, or equality. To me, much of the guilt-movement attacks fall into one of these categories: Exercises in excuse-making (ego-protection): it’s not that I didn’t work for the things I wanted, it’s hat the system is crooked, and it’s your privileged ass’ fault (not mine) The search for a sense of importance: today people have lots of free time and no obvious reason for living. Some people can feel lost, so they make up an enemy and embrace a (made-up) fight to give a sense of purpose to their existence An excuse to vent personal bitterness: I’m angry, but I blame you for my own anger so that I can keep a better self-image Manipulative warfare: I make you feel guilty so that you will become more submissive, less assertive, and easier to control and win against Strawmanning for power: construct a made-up enemy, lead the charge against them, and win easy accolades without taking any real risks Oprah Winfrey is a good example for that last one: Typical burning stake power move. Here is a transcript of Oprah’s widely applauded incendiary rhetoric: She lived as we all have lived, too many years in a culture broken by brutally powerful men. For too long, women have not been heard or believed if they dare speak the truth to the power of those men. But their time is up. Their time is up.

Holy cow! Their time is up? Whose time? Powerful men? Men in general? That’s fucked up. Many powerful men are good people. To most of the readers, I’d candidly ask: do you feel like you’re living in a culture “broken by brutally powerful men” that you need to break free from? I’m pretty sure most readers would reply “no”. We live in a blessed world of freedom and democracy where everyone can work on themselves to improve their lives. Oprah Winfrey, a woman extremely high in power, is not describing reality. She is fabricating a distorted reality for her own personal gains (straw-manning). She paints a strawman of oppressive (white) men, and she frames herself the brave one fighting against it. Oprah paints a bigger enemy to get more power and exposure. Unluckily, she is the only winner, while everyone else loses. It might seem a stretch to you, but the dynamics at play here are no different than Hitler scapegoating the jews. Or the Bolsheviks scapegoating the small landowners (and deporting them en-masse). You could easily turn Oprah’s speech into any speech that throughout history had led to the prosecution and massacre of whole classes of people: The Jews (landowners / Christians, etc.) are bad, taking advantage of us, disempowering us… Are we gonna stand up and teach them a lesson or what? Death to the Jews (landowners / Christians, etc.)! Bottom line: We don’t need more Oprahs fanning small flames of discontent into a huge fire. We need more conciliatory men and women building bridges. If you want a fairer and better world, don’t fall for the war rhetoric of Oprah’s style charismatic leader . Social psychologist Roy Baumeister said it best: there will never be a war to end all wars (Baumeister, 1999). This is all the truer and more important when there is nothing to fight about, as it’s in this case. Anger only leads to more anger, and to more lose-lose for all. If you want things to be better, today is the time to join the collaborative movement: Psychopaths’ Sexual Strategy: Marauders of Sex The Manipulative Guilt-Tripping The guilt-tripping movement also serves to disempower others -and to empower the attacker-.

I’ve already discussed a few instances of systemic manipulation, like feminism, for example. The guilt-tripping movement is the same. Accusing historically powerful classes of still being abusive and unfair serves as a moralizing manipulation tool. How does this work? The more you can make others feel bad, the more those others will give up their rights and act submissive. And the more competitive advantage the guiltinducers will enjoy. You make that white, pretty woman feel guilty for being white and pretty? She will be less assertive in going after that executive suite because she feels “she already got enough privileges”. You make that white man feel bad for his “toxic masculinity”? He will not defend himself when he actually needed to defend his rights. And if things get heated and the police show up, in doubt, they will charge him (Smith, 2017). And if the privileged ones can do little to make up for their supposed wrongdoing, all the better: they are going to be victims -and submissive- for life. You are eternally in debt for your Y chromosome, brother. Also see: Manipulation: Techniques, Strategies, & Ethics Out of Control Guilt The guilt movement has grown so big that it has not stopped at gender and racial issues. Today, we have all kinds of people wanting you to feel guilty for all kinds of issues: Guilty for polluting Guilty for having exterminated animals Guilty for global warming -you know, you drive, fly, eat too much meat, etc.And don’t take this wrong: I am 100% sold on reducing pollution, protecting animals, and doing something about global warming. I always tell people not to give me a bag with my fruit, I always say no to disposable cutlery, and I never owned any car. Indeed, rejecting guilt is not about rejecting responsibility for being good citizens. It’s the opposite: it’s especially when we are being considerate humans that we should not feel guilty for, you know… Living. Guilt is not only useless and irrational, but it’s unhealthy. It’s unhealthy for individuals to feel guilty for things that are either natural, or that they didn’t commit.

Let’s get real for a second. It’s natural that, as we go about life, we do pollute at least a little bit (Pinker, 2020). Electricity pollutes. Taking a shower pollutes. Doing anything will create some human waste. Now we should aim to pollute less, but not feel guilty for a minimum amount of pollution that’s needed to live. And it’s natural that the species that becomes the most dominant will drive a few other species to extinction. That might not sound “nice”, but at a certain point, you need to get real. Being emotionally mature also means accepting that there are certain trade-offs in life. And it’s either lions, bears and tigers roam the planet as they please, or you roam the planet as you please -which you’re probably already doing-. Our responsibility is to avoid any unneeded animal suffering. But it is not to preserve any single species on earth, no matter what. Because if you want all animals to reclaim their space, then take the first step and go back living in a cave. If you like embracing extreme measures without being willing to make extreme compromises, then you’re a hypocrite. Great is both part and victim of the guilt-culture. She jumped in the movement while also being duped by it. The guilt-culture stole Greta’s childhood and turned her bitter, not the “elites of power” she accuses Why Now? I cannot think of any other time in human history that we’ve been inundated with so many messages about how bad we are. Why now? In a way, it’s a sign of opulence. As we live in a world largely free of major risks, people have enough time and resources to dedicate mental cycles on abstractions like “fairness”, “equal opportunities”, “animal rights”, etc. And, by and large, it’s a great thing we are tackling these issues. This is the pinnacle of human enlightenment: taking responsibility not just for us, but for the planet and the other living creatures as well. But it should be done rationally, and intelligently. Finger-pointing and guilttripping are neither intelligent, nor helpful ways of going about it. They are abusive ways of going about it. If you allow it, that guilt-culture is going to disempower you. So now let’s discuss the effects of guilt-tripping, and then some solutions. SJWs & The Emotional Harm of the Guilt-Culture

The extremists of the guilt-movement want you guilty for everything that is wrong in the world. The funny thing? For many of the items you should feel guilty for, you bare no direct responsibility. And, most importantly, you bare no control over. Things like: Being born in the West Being born in the middle class or above Being attractive Being a man These all fall under “being privileged”. And unluckily, it’s a common sentiment not only among liberal circles, but also in some self-development circles. Writes Eckart Tolle in a particularly disheartening passage of his best selling “The Power of Now”: Of course, there’s something wrong with you, and you are not being judged. Don’t you belong to the human race who killed over 100 million members of its own species in the 21st century alone? -Eckhart Tolle, The Power of Now Oh, thank goodness I’m not being judged, Eckart. Imagine if I was :S. On average, the group most liable to self-harming guilt are white, progressive women. Women tend to have lower self-esteem, and are more prone to guilt. Sensitive women can end up suffering the most under the guilt-culture. White, beautiful model Cameron Russell amassed 24 million views on a speech that she should have had at a shrink’s office. She says: Cameron Russel: I’m on the stage because I’m a pretty white woman. (…) But mostly, it was difficult to unpack the legacy of gender and racial oppression when I am one of the base beneficiaries. She says she is the beneficiary of a culture that makes her privileged. Instead, I see the emotional pain of a woman under the yoke of the guilt-tripping culture. To begin with, she is most likely selling herself short by saying she is only pretty. And most of all, she is blaming herself for all the “gender and racial oppression”, which is, how to put it mildly… Pure fucking nonsense. SJWs: Duped and Self-Duping

How do social just warrior fit here? SJWs are mostly followers. They follow the bigger leaders, like Oprah, to either get some scraps of power, to gain acceptance or, in some cases, because they actually believe it. There are two kinds of social justice warrior: 1. Privileged people who play the guilt game for their own gains: these people seek to gain acceptance in liberal circles and in society at large. They include white knights, male feminists, and the people who stood up at Oprah’s speech. Also see: virtue-signaling strategy 2. More sensitive privileged people who do actually feel guilty: like for example Cameron Russel we saw above. Or German women in this example below:

German Women: An Example of Harmful Self-Guilt To people who are not much prone to guilt, guilt-inducing messages are annoying. But to people who are prone to guilt, these messages are emotionally harmful. An interesting case example are some Germans nationals. Nazism is history, it’s done and dusted. The only empowering way to approach is to learn the lessons, learn human nature, and make sure it won’t happen ever again. But the guilt-culture is not about empowering people, the guilt-culture is about disempowering people, and making them feel bad for things they aren’t even responsible for. Within this culture, decades after nazism, many Germans still feel awkward towards national pride, as that reminds them of nazism. My ex-girlfriend and a bunch of her leftist progressive friends always felt bad for being German for things that she had no control over. They had this big emotional burden they were carrying over, accompanied by the guilt-induced feeling they needed to repent and make it up… But there was no way to make it up, of course. So they were trapped in their feelings of guilt, which is the definition of emotional abuse. At times, it was becoming an issue in our relationship. It’s unhealthy to take too much guilt upon yourself when you can’t do anything about it. Without judging whether that was right or not, in my opinion, part of the reason the German government accepted millions of immigrants without performing much control at all, is because of the guilt-feelings of their past. Now let’s look at a few solutions against the feelings of guilt. Life Isn’t Fair: Accept It Behind much of the guilt-fever, there is the wish for fairness.

Fair is good. Unfair is bad. And if you got an “unfair advantage”, you should feel bad. And again, same as before: it’s good to strive towards fairness. It’s also an important value of this website. However, approaching fairness with emotional maturity means that you strive towards fairness, while also accepting that the world is an inherently unfair place. Until we evolve into a different species, we are also an inherently unfair species. And that’s OK, you must be at peace with that. As you strive to treat people fairly, you also must know that you are not responsible for life’s unfairness. And again, same as before: it’s because you personally strive to treat people fairly that you can accept all the luck that’s come your way without feeling guilty about it. If anything, feel grateful for it. Gratefulness is good. Guilt is not. Three Antidotes to Guilt There are three more antidotes to guilt: 1. A healthy sense of entitlement 2. A focus on how you’re going to use your privileges in service of a bigger goal 3. Accepting responsibility only for what you have done (not your group, your tribe, your ancestors, etc.) I was reminded of the importance of healthy entitlement when I read a post on Facebook. Someone asked to a group of digital nomads if they felt a national belonging, or if they felt world citizen. Look at some of the comments: She feels privileged for having a strong passport. And the likes pour in with crying faces, likely from other guilt self-harmers. And the other champion there, chiming that “he’s not a citizen, but he’s a “guest”. How cute of him, tiptoeing his way through life. A typical case of “nice” that’s not “nice”, in the sense of adding any value to others, but it’s actually useless nice at best, and virtue-signaling nice at worst. It’s good to be “nice”, as in warm and kind -see: mix power with warmth-. But you should not feel like a nuisance when you are not being a nuisance. Don’t confuse privileges with rights -or with what you can safely claim as a right-. In this example, instead of seeing the privilege of having a strong passport, why don’t you see it as your right? Hopefully, you’re not a thief, and you’re not a scumbag. Hopefully, you are a valueadding human, you treat people deserving respect with respect, and you’re bringing your money to whichever country you visit.

You should be entitled to travel, see, and meet people from all over the world as an equal -just like any other value-adding human being should-. Do Your Best Towards Your Goal, F*ck the Privileges An empowered mindset doesn’t think about the “privileges” it’s got. An empowered mindset thinks how he can do more with whatever he’s got. Strong passport? Great, how can I use it. Poor passport? Too bad, how can I change it. Rich family? Great, how can I leverage these resources. Poor family? Too bad, how can I change it. You got what some people would refer to as “privileges”? Great. Leave the guilt behind, and start focusing on doing something good with them. Because the ultimate sin is having a chance to do something good, but wasting it. Once you focus on doing something constructive with whatever you’ve got, then your guilty feelings will disappear in a heartbeat. Related

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Filed Under: Empowered Life, Psychological Analysis, Social Power Theory [Image: lucio founder of the power moves] About the Author: Lucio Buffalmano Lucio is a social scientist, member of APA and a perpetual researcher of human nature. He teaches power dynamics because he believes that to be good, you first need to learn how to be bad. ThePowerMoves.com is where this new breed of leaders come to train. Power University About Contact T&Cs Privacy Refund Policy Copyright The Power Moves© 2020 · Log in

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You've been randomly selected to try out the new Textise Preview version. Opt in to use this every time. The Preview version features faster loading times and other upcoming improvements. During this extremely difficult time, we at Textise urge everyone to stay safe and adhere to your government's regulations concerning the pandemic. You can get the latest information about the Novel Coronavirus at the World Health Organisation (WHO) site (text-only view). This page has been Textised with the Preview version! The original page address was https://thepowermoves.com/enlightenedcollaborator/ For sharing use ... Here are some options: Back to original page (in this window | in a new window) Convert this page to a PDF Print this page Textise Home Page (full version | text only version) Textise Options Page (choose font size, font colour, etc.) Are you a webmaster? Find out how to easily add Textise to your web site. Skip to main content Underpriced's offer is ending. Price jumps in 12 hours. Enroll before it's too late. The Power Moves Power dynamics, life strategies, and owning your life. Start Here Power Definitions Blog Social Power Dynamics Career Strategies Dating For Women Dating For Men Relationships Resources Speed Learning Power University Seduction University Forum

Join In! Life Strategy: The Enlightened Collaborator October 12, 2020 By Lucio Buffalmano We already talked about collaboration as a life strategy for success on this website. See for example: 4 Fundamental Strategies for Power: an overview on applying collaboration and win-win in life However, we haven’t talked about who exactly is the enlightened collaborator, and what it consists of. And we haven’t clarified why it’s superior to both naive collaboration, or cynic defection. This post address this all-important topic. [Image: two puzzle pieces fitting together against sky and sun background] Contents Collaboration: It Starts With Mindsets Defection: It Also Starts With (Cynic) Mindsets The Cynic Mindset Proving The Ultra-Cynicism False: Game Theory The Enlightened Collaborator Approach SUMMARY Collaboration: It Starts With Mindsets The mindset always comes first. The mindset precedes the strategies. The collaborator mindset is the belief that win-win is possible and preferable. The collaborator mindset is what leads you to approach people and situations asking yourself first how a win-win could be reached. That of course that doesn’t necessarily mean that win-win will always be possible. And it doesn’t even mean that you enter all relationships that present a potential win-win, either. Some of those exchanges might add too little of a benefit, or you might have other priorities in life. The collaborator mindset does however mean that you assess new people and scan new situations asking yourself how win-win could be achieved.

The collaborator mindset is what makes a win-win strategy possible. And by approaching life with the win-win mindset in mind, you increase the odds that: 1. you will find more opportunities for win-win 2. you will create more opportunities for win-win by looking for ways with which win-win could be achieved 3. you will enter and enter into more win-win exchanges and relationships The final result? More value created, more power, and more happiness. No guarantees, but enlightenment helps It bears repeating. It takes two to tango. And it takes two to collaborate. Since you cannot always control what others will do, your collaborative mindset does NOT guarantee win-win. That would be a naive way of looking at life (“naive cooperator”). But a collaborator mindset allows for win-win . You still need to find, assess, and filter through for other cooperative individuals with whom to play/enter into win-win relationships. And that’s where the enlightened collaborator makes a difference. The enlightened collaborator actively seeks expertise on crucial life skills such as: power dynamics psychology social exchanges “rules” persuasion and influence manipulation This is the knowledge that transforms you from a simple collaborator, into a Jedi social strategist ready for life’s success. Defection: It Also Starts With (Cynic) Mindsets There is quite some cynicism permeating our world. The popular literature on power -see “The 48 Laws of Power“- largely rests on cynicism and on dog-eat-dog philosophy. And it’s not wrong. It’s actually a great book. But, as we shall see, it’s also not the whole picture. It’s only the dark side of the moon portion. And you’re not gonna be successful if you stay stuck in the dark.

But there are bigger threats when it comes to “poisonous cynicism”. Popular movements such as feminism and the red pill are also both based on massive doses of cynicism. Many feminists and red-pill men learn to approach life with a win-lose view of relationships, and the belief that win-win is hardly possible, or outright impossible. Cynicism: A Manipulative Siren Against PC In a way, I can see why cynicism is so successful. Political correctness and much of popular self-help are so out of touch with reality that cynicism sounds more “real”. Unluckily, going from an extreme to another is rarely the solution. And the fullon cynicism is the equivalent of the Ulysses sirens calling. And those cynic sirens only deliver loneliness, anger, and bitterness. Some of the “leaders” of cynic and win-lose movements are manipulators who make up enemies for personal power At the extreme, a cynic mindset believes that people -or a certain group of peopleare too selfish, manipulative, and untrustworthy to ever do anything out of kindness, or to ever enter a win-win relationship. If you’re a reader around here, I’m sure you can already see the issue with that: if you don’t believe that win-win is even possible, how are you ever going to achieve it? Answer: it’s either someone shoves it down your throat till you finally realize “ugh, it’s possible” or, more likely… It ain’t gonna happen. Indeed, the far likelier tragedy of ultra-cynicism is that cynicism creates its own world of lose-lose (“self-fulfilling prophecy”). Donald Trump: A Case Study for Cynic “Always-on” Competition In politics, Trump is a great example of the cynic self-fulfilling prophecy. I’m almost glad the Trump phenomenon happened, since it provides the perfect case study. Trump proves that what happens when an ultra-cynic approaches relationships with a competition first mindset and refuses too many chances for cooperation. And what happens is that he creates a world of enemies. Read more here: Trump’s cynic win-lose failure Or just take a look at this picture: Sure, CNN is biased. But we can probably agree Trump made way too many enemies.

The Cynic Mindset Harriet Braiker in “Who’s Pulling Your Strings“, describes the psychology of manipulators. The “manipulator’s mindset” Braiker describes is the same as the win-lose mindset we are discussing here. And in game theory, it’s also described as “defecting”. In brief, conversely to the enlightened, win-win mindset, the defector mindset believes that win-win is neither possible, nor ideal. This is how the cynic thinks: You either play or get played: it’s a zero-sum world of dog eat dog. You either play, or you get played There is no win-win: in a zero-sum world full of nasty people, there cannot be win-win Relationships between equals do not exist: it’s either one wins, or he loses. And since nobody wants to lose, they want to make sure their partner loses You cannot trust others: since everyone is out to play you, defectors obviously cannot trust others. Some cynics and inveterate defectors also see themselves as untrustworthy and are proud of it. On ThePowerMoves we call this attitude “proud-value taking”. Proving The Ultra-Cynicism False: Game Theory The prisoner’s dilemma offers a simple way to test the win-lose approach. Take this variation of the prisoner’s dilemma: [Image: prisoner dilemma matrix] Win-win: they both get $10 Win-lose: the defector gets $20 and the cheated gets nothing Lose-lose: they both get $1 The cheater “wins big” the first time. But as soon as the game is repeated, the collaborator most likely adjusts his strategy to defect as well, and the game turns into a lose-lose for both (Nash Equilibrium). If you run this game for 3-4 times the defector strategy is a losing one. As a matter of fact, the more you run the game (repeated game), the bigger the opportunity loss. What are these repeated games in real-life? Repeated games are our relationships. Our friends, spouses, brothers, sisters, colleagues, neighbors… These are our reallife repeated games.

And the cynic loses opportunities for collaborative and healthy relationships with the most important people in life. The game is simplistic, of course. And yet, it offers a good approximation of many real-life relationships (it has “high external validity”). The Different Mindsets Leading to Totally Opposite Lives Post-interviews confirm the two different mindsets. Cooperators who played against defectors shrug it off saying that the game is just like real life, and there are all different sorts of people -and they’re right-. Cooperators walk away that are still open to future collaboration and win-win. But the defector? The defector walks away that he has shaped his reality to one of cynic win-lose, and he then uses that reality of his own making to justify his own strategy and life approach. Many defectors don’t even realize that it’stheir own distrusting approach to life that breeds distrusts, aggression, and win-lose approaches from other people. The collaborative reality of collaborative mindsets The life experience for people who believe that cooperation is possible is much different. Says Braiker: Trusting people who allow for the possibility that others can, on occasion, choose to behave altruistically and/or generously can choose to cooperate because it is rational and adaptive will be open to the possibility of trusting relationships. If you approach the world with an open but realistic attitude that allows for both kinds of people—trusting souls and self-promoting competitors —your experiences will mirror your expectations. You likely will meet both kinds of people and have the opportunity to form relationships in which mutual trust and cooperation exist and are cherished by both participants. For a deeper analysis on the failure of “ultra-cynicism”, read: Positive cynicism Positive Cynicism: Turning Poison, Into Gold Abundance HR mentality To me, this is a form of abundance mentality.

This is abundance mentality when it comes to “human resources”. Since there are countless of people, and a good chunk of them are awesome people happy to collaborate, it means that the scope of collaboration and win-win is almost infinite to you. All you gotta do, is to find them. The Enlightened Collaborator Approach [Image: illlustration of social exchange archetypes] The basic of smart collaboration is simple: Collaborate with collaborators, and avoiding cheats. This approach is sound. It’s based on positive cynicism, and it accepts that social exchanges entail a risk, since people are not always trustworthy and dependable. It accepts the reality that people’s predisposition and characters differ, and that context also matters. But the enlightened collaborator’s approach runs deeper. The enlightened collaborator takes it upon himself to increase the pie of social exchanges:

1. Incentivize and increase the scope of collaboration 2. Disincentive defection & cheating 3. Lead towards collaboration 4. Minimize “exchange risks” Increasing collaboration Since collaboration brings benefits to anyone, the enlightened collaborator increases the scope and opportunities for cooperation. Some of the technique he deploys: 1. Collaborative reframing: the mindsets and techniques to turn and steer relationships towards win-win. Linked above is the example of collaborative reframing to improve a relationship that was teetering on the verge of competition and one-upmanship 1. Collaborative shaming: “collaborative shaming” is a specific technique part of “collaborative reframing”. It consists of shaming people who are playing win-lose games in an effort to lead them towards a more fruitful win-win for both. Collaborative shaming against shit-tests: an example on using collaborative shaming to handle female shit-tests 2. Frame cementing: once a positive and collaborative frame has been set “cementing” strengthen that frame and increases its power and its ability to influence behavior over the long term 1. “I’m glad we agree”: a power move to cap a win-win frame remind people that you both agreed on a course of action that is good for

both 3. WIIFT: approaching people with a mindset of “what’s in it for them” increases the chances that they will see the exchange as win-win, which in turn increases the chances they will want to collaborate 4. Sticking with value-adding collaborators: so simple, yet such a crucial life hack. When you find good people in your life, keep them! You found a treasure, cherish it. Decreasing the scope for defection Of course: You can never be 100% sure someone is not going to cheat. But life is not about “100% certitudes”, but a question of odds. And there is plenty of things that the enlightened collaborators can do to increase the odds he deals with honest collaborators who will be adding value and not looking for ways to scam him. 1. Assessing people: the enlightened collaborator seeks knowledge of psychology and power dynamics to help him assess people and discern cynic defectors and “Machiavellian collaborators” from more honest collaborators 2. Collaborative foot forward: it means to start with collaboration and/or with a warm and friendly opening. the enlightenment collaborator, knowing psychology, knows that the best way to start a win-win is to open with a winwin. That approaches increases social trust right off from the bat and makes more friends and allies. 3. Strings-attached giving: give, but while keeping some form of leverage (ie.: the option of taking something back) 4. Test-giving: give freely, demand nothing back, act like you don’t care. Then, keep an eye on who is grateful for your giving, who is not, and who just asks for more 5. Looking dumber: this works both to test people, and to increase the odds that a possible attack or manipulation will be easy to fend off, or to recoup from, since people will be more careless . Keeping a few aces up his sleeve: imagine you got an alarm system and a motion-activated camera recording system. You can share about the alarm, but you keep the information about the camera private. You never know who you catch going through your stuff 7. Silver medal technique: to decrease the incentives for lying and cheating by making it about two attractive options one can get, rather than about an attractive option, or nothing And, finally, knowing when win-win exchange are not possible, or not possible without coercion: 1. Keeping a safe distance: once you spot a manipulator, always avoid getting too close. Either cut them out, fade them, or keep them at a distance 2. Seek power to avoid win-lose: the enlightened collaborator knows that powerlessness is dangerous. When you have no power you are the mercy of

others. And, being this world also composed by predatory folks, you better not be at anyone’s mercy Social exchange techniques And some more slightly elaborated techniques: Fair value marketing: one of the core techniques of win-win framing and strengthening. Promotion: to promote one’s value-provision effectively, and in a way that they are recognized by the other party. Appreciation: to appreciate the value contributions of other(s) to make them feel valued and appreciated. It also indirectly frames the exchange as win-win, while encouraging them to keep on giving to meet your appreciation and gratitude (can turn into a positive judge frame). Example in Power University. Here’s tit, where’s tat: a technique to give or to remind of your value giving before you ask for something. It serves to remind people that you have given in good fait and it increases the odds they’ll give back Credit collection: to remind people of your value giving, which indirectly reminds them that it’s also supposed of them to remain collaborative and give back Positive displays of leverage: to remind people of your leverage in the exchange, but to do so within a positive frame. See an example here: “It deserves a good review” is a positive display of leverage, as it indirectly reminds him of my negotiation leverage on him. For more, also read: “fundamental strategies of power“. Dating With Enlightened Collaboration The enlightened collaborator mindset well extends to dating and relationships as well. Depending on the partner, early dating might require less -or more strategicgiving and more strategic display of value and/or power in the beginning, see: Leadership in dating Dominance in dating But as the relationship unfolds collaboration and win-win come back to the fore for developing a strong and healthy relationship: How to maintain power and attraction Or famed researcher John Gottman says that strong relationships have collaborating partners who build each other up and share power and influence (Gottman, 1999): Accepting influence: The key to relationship success

When Needed: Machiavellian Collaboration Finally: the enlightened collaborator is not just stuck to “collaborate” or “non collaborate”. And he can also adopt a strategy of “opportunistic collaboration” mixed with “opportunistic defection”. The name “Machiavellian collaboration” might sound devious and amoral and, in some cases, it is amoral. But, in some situations, it can be fair game. In competitive environments where one person only can win, the enlightened collaborator might prefer to avoid entering any win-win exchange if he feels that he gives more value than he takes. This can be an effective strategy in dating, for example, as well as in workplace environments. Workplaces are grey areas environments that are not fully zero-sum, but where rewards and promotions are not infinite either. We already showed that Machiavellians tend to win in the office. But which strategy will work depends on your context, so you must judge what’s effective on a case by case basis. For more, refer to: Career strategies: an overview 4 Career strategies for quick promotion SUMMARY A collaborator mindset is what allows you to establish win-win relationships. The enlightened collaborator, equipped and trained with power dynamics knowledge, is the next step along the line of personal evolution. But it all starts with a collaborator’s mindset first, and the belief that collaboration is possible. Don’t let the cynics drag you down. Make friends, and develop value-adding relationships, instead. I’ve personally experienced it hundreds of times. And life is much better that way. Related

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Filed Under: Empowered Life, Social Power Theory Tagged With: go ahead be a cynic, how to use cynicism, in praise of cynicism, is cynicism helpful [Image: lucio founder of the power moves] About the Author: Lucio Buffalmano Lucio is a social scientist, member of APA and a perpetual researcher of human nature. He teaches power dynamics because he believes that to be good, you first need to learn how to be bad. ThePowerMoves.com is where this new breed of leaders come to train. Power University About Contact T&Cs Privacy Refund Policy Copyright The Power Moves© 2020 · Log in

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Join In! The Judge Role: A Tool For Power & Control July 6, 2020 By Lucio Buffalmano We talked about the “judge role” and the “judge frames” many times across this website. And for good reasons: judges are central figures in power dynamics. Judges are relevant in all realms of human socialization, from general social dynamics to relationship power dynamics, to manipulation, to dating power dynamics. Understanding the judge role and mastering judge frames is a crucial step towards your personal empowerment. [Image: picture of a judge in judgmental pose] A Quick Recap First, a quick recap on where and when we discussed judges: Women relationship control: most women control intimate relationships by holding the judge role. Most men naturally feel responsible for women’s happiness and well-being, and women reinforce the frame by directly or indirectly judging men as worthy/unworthy. Covert aggression: a good chunk of covert aggression is based on sending out judgemental signals that “you’re not good enough”. An eye-roll, a headshake, looking away while speaking to someone, they all say: “you’re not good enough (for me)” Shit tests: shit tests are judge tools. It’s the judge, as the most powerful party, who sizes up others. A focus on passing those tests only confirms that frame (it’s better to address the issue at its roots instead, doing the judging yourself or changing the frame) Shame attacks: shame attacks are purely based on judge frames (ie.: you’re not good enough as a human being). Shame attacks can be covert, but can also be delivered as scathing, hyper-aggressive attacks to recruit the public opinion as a big judge A tool for abuse and control: at the extreme, the judge role becomes a tool for emotional abuse, quasi-total mind control, and behavior control (the abuse-based bond between the judge and judged at these extremes is an example of traumatic bonding) Now let’s proceed with a definition. Contents What’s The Judge Role Who Are Judges (& Examples)

Judge Frames How to Spot Judges Value-Adding Judges Value-Taking Judges How to Combat Bad Judges Using Judges For (Dark) Motivation SUMMARY What’s The Judge Role The judge is defined as: The judge is the individual who assesses other people’s worthiness, dispenses emotional punishments and rewards, and exercises power and influence over others through emotional control The judge role has its roots in the parent role of transaction analysis (Harris, 1967(opens in a new tab)). The concept of “the judge” build on that original insight by adding “judge frames”, plus expanding its use cases to include manipulation, interpersonal power dynamics, as well as intra-personal dynamics. The judge is usually the party with the most power in social relationships. It operates mostly at an emotional level but, like any other expression of soft-power, it also overlaps with more obvious expressions of direct power and control, including physical power, financial power, official rank/authority, hierarchical status, etc. As a matter of fact, albeit it operates at a mental level, a judge role is often enough to invert more direct expressions of power and control -including physical power-. In simpler words: a less powerful individual assuming the judge role can control what would otherwise be more powerful individuals. Who Are Judges (& Examples) Judges are high-power roles that take many forms in life and socialization. Here are some of the most common ones: 1. Mothers / Fathers Obviously. Mothers and fathers are the ultimate judge figures. Evolutionary psychology teaches us that, for their own survival, children come to life mentally predisposed to crave parent’s approval. For survival reasons, children are hypersensitive to what their parents think and feel about them, which gives parents immense power over children. That power can be misused and easily harm children. Great parents provide a baseline of love and acceptance for their children.

Poor parents only provide love and emotional rewards when the child makes them feel good. For example, emotional rewards for good grades, being just like their parents, or making them proud for others to see -a sign of narcissism, also see the book “Will I Ever Be Good Enough“-. And the worst parents never provide any love, but only parent and direct through anger, commands, and perennial disappointment -an example of an abusive judge-.

2. Mother / Father Figures Mother and father figures have the same, and sometimes even more power than actual mothers and fathers. That’s all the truer if: The biological mother/father was absent The biological mother/father was a poor parent The mother/father figure is high-value person you can look up to Here is a great example of a father figure who was more powerful and influential than a biological parent: Tyson: My joy was when I make Cuss D’amato happy Cuss D’Amato was Tyson’s trainer, and he became a father figure for Tyson. Later, we will see that D’Amato was also an example of a positive judge role. 3. Older Brothers / Sisters See Michael Jordan:

Brother: Get back in the house with your mom, boy, you’re never going to be anything Michael: (commenting on video) when you go through it, it’s traumatic. Because I want that approval As we will see later, part of Jordan’s life and success has been driven by a judge-based self-motivation. I believe Michale Jordan is a highly-sensitive person, who was also high in power. He was then able to turn the emotional pain of a negative judge into the motivation to win and dominate. 4. Intimate Partners Intimate partners are most likely to become judges when they are: Smarter / more intelligent (or sounding more intelligent) More accomplished Older / more experienced (can overlap with father / mother figure) Aware and handy with power dynamics (which makes them across as higher power)

Being higher sexual market value, either perceived or real, can also help in acquiring a judge role, albeit it’s not a necessary condition. Indeed, some Machiavellian players seek a judge role to cancel out the difference in sexual market value, and it can be an effective strategy to land a higher-SMV partner.

As we have seen, most relationships, it’s the woman who takes the judge role: Husband: I’m not gonna look for another job, I’m going to pursue my dream Wife: Listen, inspiration is for strangers. You get your ass out there, work, and pay the mortgage The wife is taking an indirect judge role on him. The judge position is indirectly communicating: To be a man means to be a reliable provider. Chasing your dream, you’re not being good enough as a provider (and as a man). The man feels judged as unworthy for not paying the mortgage, and falls into line. 5. Coaches / Mentors / Sponsors Mentors tend to possess many of the traits that can make for a judge role: Higher station in life Higher status More life accomplishment More knowledge / experience Power and influence over the mentee Strong mentors can easily become “father figures”. Indeed, we can see father figures as a sort of “mentors for life”. Ultimately though the extent to which a mentor becomes a strong judge rests with both the mentor and the mentee. When the mentee looks up to the mentor, the mentor easily acquires judge powers. When the mentee does not look up to the mentor, then the mentor has little judge power over the mentee. 6. Bosses Anyone who has power to direct your work or your life can become a judge. A boss becomes a judge when judgment passed over work becomes judgment passed over the whole individual. Think about that sentence again, because it’s important. You don’t want to give judge powers to anyone in your life, and you don’t want poor managers to become judges. But since most people do not separate their results from their ego, it’s actually

common for bosses to become judges in people’s lives. It’s also more common for men, since men place a higher value on social status and hierarchies. This is why mental power is so important for your freedom and personal empowerment. Until you learn to separate yourself from your results anyone who judges your results will end up controlling you and your emotional well being. Also see: Anti-fragile ego Ultimate Power: a compilation of the best tools to develop mental power 7. Public Opinion The “judge” is a role. And roles are not always and necessarily specific people. Indeed, judges are quite often groups and, equally often, the nameless and faceless collective of people that reside within our own mind. Overall, it’s a good thing to care about what others think and feel about you. Those who do not care at all are social rejects. However, there must be a balance. And there is a big difference between caring about what others think, and letting others control us. And being able to selectively throw off the yoke of what “others” think about us is an extremely important skill to develop in life. George Simon, author of “In Sheep’s Clothing“, explains this way CEO’s personal success: CEOs are undeterred by adverse consequences or societal condemnation. In short, highly successful people don’t let the societal judge role to control their minds, their actions, and their lives. This is something you also want to develop. 8. Yourself: Your Own Judge We all have our own judges within ourselves. When you tell yourself things such as: You’re worthless You deserved it You’re such a pussy

You are often using judge powers against yourself. As we said before, a harsh judgment sometimes it’s exactly what’s called for. And it can also also be useful, sometimes. But… Is it always so? Most people tend to judge themselves too harshly. As we will see later, a strong internal judge can be used for motivation and dark motivation. But in most people’s cases, too strict of an internal judge only serve to decrease their self-esteem and their life contentedness -and doesn’t even spur them into action-. If that’s the case for you, then you want to pay extra care at how you talk to yourself, and how you judge yourself. Switching From Negative Judge to Love-Based Motivation? For a long time, I have mostly used a negative judge style of motivation for myself. I used super-harsh judgment designed to make me act in order to escape my own emotional punishment. Such as: act, so that you can be “good enough” again. But I am changing my mind. I think that, for most people, motivation based on selflove is not just more pleasant, but also more effective.

9. In Most Social Dynamics You’ll Find Judges Most social dynamics have at least a hint of judge dynamics. At the core, deciding who’s more powerful between two people is a way of deciding “who is judging who”. And the individual that comes out on top is usually the one who exerts a stronger emotional influence over the other (ie.: the one who takes a judge role over the other). Overall, if you want to get good at social skills, but also at life in general, you need to understand and control the dynamics of the judge role, including judge frames. Judge Frames Judge frames come in different flavors: Direct judge frames: judges directly seek to frame the interaction as them judging you. For example: “great job” / “I’m disappointed” “you are very smart” / “you’re dumb” “I’m proud of you” / “I expect better from you” “you’ll be a great success” / “you’ll never amount to anything” Covert judge frames: the judge has no official authority and does not assess you or your work, but you still feel the need to make them happy Wife’s happy, husband feels good / wife is unhappy, husband feels a failure

Authority spillovers: when judgment is the natural consequence of explicit authority, and that authority spills into emotional control Bosses Interviewers Feedback sessions Coaches / mentors Captors: the “Stockholm Syndrome” is an example of extreme judge role turning into traumatic bonding When Win-Lose Judges Exploit Judge Frames This is crucial to understand: yes, sometimes the judge’s role goes to the person who has more value within an interaction or within a certain realm of life. But often the judge role goes to the person who first starts using judge frames, independently of value. That’s why you must be careful when people start judging you, be it with approval or, even worse, disapproval. The natural tendency of people is to seek more praise and to try to turn the disapproval into approval. When you give in to that tendency, you are confirming the frame, you are giving power to the judge, you are subordinating yourself to the judge and, most of all, you are letting the judge control you. The Most Powerful Judge Frames The most powerful judge frames go at the roots of people’s sense of worth, which includes: Being good / not good enough: this is the basic, bread and butter judge frame. Many judge frames ultimately are variations of being good / not good enough for someone specific, or for a group Being good / not good enough as a human being: there are values that most people consider as “making a good human being” and “making an effective human being”. Judging others against those traits make for easy judge frames. They include: Winner / loser (effective / ineffective) Pro-social / antisocial Keeping one’s word / lying Good or poor Morals / ethics / values Being good / not good enough as a woman: since so many people build their identities around their genders, attacks to “what it means being a woman” tend to very effective. They include: Power / dominance: women should be feminine and submissive. Women who are too powerful are more like men, and “not good enough” to be dated. This is what feminists resent: the judge power of men who consider them as “less of a woman”

Mothering: not being good enough at one of their supposedly most important biological task. “Spinster” judges women at a dual level: for not being mothers and for not being “good enough” to be dated Household skills: unluckily, I know this all too well. Before I became aware of power dynamics and started using them for better causes, making fun of my mom’s poor cooking skill was an easy way of gaining power (eggs on me) Being good / not good enough as a man: Same as above, and it works better with men, since men need to “earn” their men card (Bosson and Vandello, 2011). There are countless ways to attack manhood. Some of them are: Not providing for the family Not attracting mates Small dick Fearful Weak … [Image: judge judy with an "L" sign] Loser = not effective in life = “not good enough” It’s easy to fall for judge frames when it comes to basic requirements of “being good humans” or “being effective man/women”. Why so? Because judge frames that attack people’s core values of worthiness leverage internalized rules. We were both born and culturally reared to value our worthiness as human beings and as men and women. That’s why applying judge frames on them tends to be very effective. There is a corollary for this phenomenon. When a judge attacks rules that have been internalized, then the judge doesn’t even need to be a high-value person to make others feel unworthy. That’s why an anonymous troll on the Internet can make even high-quality people feel bad: that anonymous troll is objectively low value, but he’s leveraging internalized rules. The Fairness & Manipulation of “Judge Frames” Note: Judge frames can be used for fair and value-adding goals, or for selfish, manipulative, and potentially harmful goals. Sometimes, that’s up to interpretation and it can be a grey area. But, as for most things, there is no room for infinite relativism. For example: most sensible people would agree that a child-rapist judged as “not good enough as a human being” had it coming.

And there are a few more grey areas that are closer to manipulation than fairness. For example: A man frames a woman at work as “too aggressive”: that might or might not be true. But if they are competing for a promotion, chances are he’s doing it to ruin her reputation, turn people against her, and make her feel selfconscious in an effort to take out an opponent for promotions A woman frames a man as unworthy for pursuing his entrepreneurial dreams: The woman might have a second motive to make his man feel bad for not providing at the level they are used to and keep him in his job. Abandoning his dream will come at the price of his happiness, though, so I’d consider this closer to manipulation Also see: Manipulation: Techniques, Strategies, & Ethics How to Spot Judges How do you spot if someone is having judge powers over you? Well, if the judges are using direct frames, it’s somewhat easier. You hear keywords such as “disappointed”, or you see them shake their heads, and your “judge” alarm bells should go off. But it can be more difficult with judges who are not so obvious. So here are a few signs to spot judge dynamics: You fear someone’s judgment You care a lot about what someone thinks What someone does or says can easily hurt you What someone does or says makes you feel good [Image: woman with judgmental and disgusted expression] A disgusted facial expression is the ultimate signal of negative judges. It says: “so unworthy to be disgusting” Exaggerated facial expressions can also be the sign of a manipulator. Are you really that disgusting that one has to make a disgusted facial expression? Chance are that you’re not. So if they’re showing exaggerated signs of judgment chances are that they want to emotionally unsettle you and gain judge powers over you. The manipulation works like this: if they are disgusted, then it means you are unworthy to them, hence: you need to change your behavior -or who you are- in order to please them (your answer: fat chance, bitch/asshole!). Women tend to play this game more often than men. Take it as a red flag. Value-Adding Judges

Judges follow the same general rule of power: Power is neutral. It can be used for bad causes, or for good causes. For the latter, think again of that relationship between Mike Tyson and Cuss D’Amato. D’Amato used his strong influence over Tyson to turn a boy without direction in life into one who was driven to reach the pinnacle of his sport. Tyson was honest and aware enough to admit that he wanted to win for D’Amato, and that it was D’Amato who developed his hunger for winning. Value-adding judges are a positive force in this world, and they can even save lives. So albeit you always want to be careful about whom you elevate to a judge in your life, a value-adding judge can help you grow and develop. And the opposite is true: being a judge comes with a responsibility. Almost any good leader in this world is also likely going to be a mentor and/or judge to someone. Using that power for good causes elevates and improves people’s lives. Misusing causes sorrow and pain. Read here a great analysis by Ali Scarlett for a real-life example. Note: value-adding judge does not equal positive feedback: As a last note, don’t confuse value-adding judges with “flattering judgment” (or “flattering verdict”, as per Stef’s sharp correction). Yes, it’s true: on average, perennially critical judges tend to be value-taking judges, while value-adding judges prefer to use more positive motivation. But a value-adding judge can also use negative or critical judgment to spur people into positive action. Value-Taking Judges Value-taking judges -“bad judges”, for brevity-, use their power in ways that harm others. Examples of bad judges include: 1. Abusive Judges I define abusive judges as: Abusive judges use their power in ways that lead the target to indulge in harmful or self-destructive behavior to gain the judge’s approval Some abusive judges aren’t even getting anything out of their abuse, but they enjoy seeing the effects of their power and control over their victims. The simple fact that their victims are suffering makes the judge feel powerful -and good-. As Stefano suggested, we may call these judges “sadist judges”. Here is an example of an abusive judge: Mary Cain: In my own, sad, never-fully healed heart, I wanted Alberto to still take me back. Because when we let people emotional break us, we crave more than anything their very approval.

It’s either Mary Cain was extremely self-aware, or someone helped her understand the dynamics at play, because she was exactly right. Alberto, Nike’s trainer, kept Cain in fear of his judgment through little rewards and much emotional punishment. Exactly what abusive, POS judges do. How to spot abusive judges: He is impossible to please: the stereotypical bad boss / abusive partner He always criticizes you: it’s either you do everything wrong (unlikely), or the judge enjoys seeing you squirm You always end up doing favors that benefit him: the most Machiavellian judges don’t criticize or reward too openly, but if you realize you’re always acting in a way that benefits the judge, that’s a strong cue to subtle manipulation Also read: Types of abusive men Nasty games women play to become the relationship prize 2. Moralizing Judges to Limit Your Freedom There is a great song from an Italian songwriter A left-wing songwriter (well, nobody’s perfect). He talks about an easy woman who enjoys sleeping around. Her carefree attitude is scaring the local wives though, who are plotting how to get rid of her. And that’s when an older and jealous woman in the village tells them that adultery is a crime, and they can denounce her to the police. Then sings De Andre’: You know that people give good advice Feeling like Jesus in the temple When they can’t give the bad example anymore -Fabrizio De Andre’ That’s what manipulative judges also try doing. Manipulative judges judge others to limit their freedom when that freedom makes them feel bad. She parties and enjoys life too much? Slut! He sleeps around and has more than one partner? Immature! Liar! These are all truly selfish strategies of sexual manipulation, but they all hide behind the guise of a (fake) indignant judge. In truth, like De Andre’ sings, many others would like to do those same things. But either because they can’t, because of fear, or because other people’s freedom

limits their own sexual options, bad judges seek to shame others into giving up their power as expressed through their way of life. Luckily most people reading here are cool guys and gals who focus on their self-development and have little time for moralizing judgments. But sometimes, it happens. See here an example from a buyer of Dating Power Dynamics: [Image: written example of a moralizing judge frame] = “I, the judge, know what “real” dating is. You’re too immature and not good enough for “real” dating” Understand this: people who have no personal stake at play will not go out of their ways to judge and criticize you. It’s only people with a second motive or vested interest that go out of their ways to take moralizing judge roles against your values and/or life decisions. It’s not necessarily envy or jealousy. It might also be that different ways of living make them uncomfortable and doubtful, so they need to re-establish their values as the “only” way of living. In either case, whenever you see someone moralizing a bit too strenuously for things that are not really hurting anyone, always think: what is the real motive of this judge? Once you know the real motive, you can go meta on them and dismantle their judge frame. Virtue-Signaling: When shaming you makes me look good Finally, there are Social Justice Warrior judges. These people sometimes care about the causes they champion. But, frequently, they just attack others to look good and pure by comparison. The game is: I pretend to be disgusted by your (supposedly) immoral behavior, so that I can look like a better human being. Also read: Virtue signaling is a sex strategy, more than a movement for a better world 3. Dark Psychologist Seducers The judge role can be used for seduction. When Robert Greene in “The Art of Seduction” advises acting as a therapist would, he is advising to take a parental figure role in the target’s mind. Being distant and stand-offish can also function as a dark-psychology technique for seduction. By being distant, the seducer is sub-commutating that the target is “not good enough for his full attention”, which can lead the target to seek his approval.

Some women enter relationships with these types of men and end up doing the impossible to please their impossible partners (see “Women Who Love Too Much“).

Also see: Mother figure seduction: the female equivalent of the father figure seduction. Please note though that mother and father figure seductions and relationships are not necessarily abusive In more benign ways, the concept of “validation” that some pick-up artists and dating coaches teach is also based on the judge role. Validation means making other feel good -or bad- depending on your opinion. When dating coaches talk about “not being validated by the woman” , they are saying to refuse the woman’s judge role. And when they advise men they should validate women, are recommending to become judge of the interaction. How to Combat Bad Judges Good judges are a minority. And 100% bad judges might also be a minority. Most judges fall in that grey area and, being the human nature more on the selfish side, most judges are slightly more on the value-taking side. So, with most judges, to maintain your power and social status, you want to reduce their power. Here is how: 1. Be aware of judge frames Any true self-development path and any true life strategy start with awareness. If you are not aware, the judge can manipulate you as it best suits him. Once you become aware, you take the first step in throwing off that judge yoke. Even if you don’t react perfectly, being aware of the power dynamics at play is 70% of winning the war. 2. Avoid rebelling and getting angry As a general rule, getting angry is not a good option for a simple reason: getting angry confirms the judge’s power. Yes, it’s two steps forward from bending over backward to please the judge, and it might be a step forward from getting hurt and doing nothing. But getting angry also says “yes, you’re getting to me” and “yes, you’re totally touching my hot buttons”. And usually, you don’t want to give away and publicize your emotional wounds.

See an example from “The Godfather”: Michael: The ink on your divorce isn’t dry yet and you’re getting married (= you’re a whore). You see your children on weekends (= you’re a bad mother) Connie: (yelling) Michael, you are not my father! Connie goes at the core of what Michael was doing. But the fact that she gets angry does not free her emotionally, and it confirms that she feels bad about her own behavior. She doesn’t own who she is. You can also see it with Mike Tyson, a man who after Cuss D’Amato has long been hypersensitive to anyone who acted as a judge: Interviewer: Mike, why do you have to talk like that (= you’re being improper and “not good enough for a civilized conversation) Tyson: fuck off (diverts his gaze) Mike comes across as getting overly worked up for nothing, and emotionally out of control. Exceptions: Fixing the Issue With A Single Burst of Anger If you can resolutely end a fight or argument with one single anger-driven fell swoop, it might work. Right after you want to go back to normal, just to make a point that you were not emotionally affected. 3. Channel anger constructively Anger can be a useful emotion.

But the key is channeling that anger in the most effective response possible. Let’s see how to do it, plus some more effective ways of fighting judge roles and frames, then. 4. Fight it smartly: Frame Control Example: Michael: If you marry this man, you disappoint me Conny: Michael, it’s funny you say that, because I’m actually disappointed that you (tit for that frame control), as my brother, care so little about my well being. Looking at our father I always thought a great Godfather takes care of his family (persuasion power move). I love this man, Michael. If you care at all about your own blood, you would support me. You know that I would do the same for you (ends with a collaborative frame and equalizes judge power)

Some smart persuasion techniques there. Michael wants to be a Godfather who takes care of the people around him. Connie changes the frame to make him want to support her. Other effective techniques of reframing include: Judging right back (ie.: fighting for the judge frame) Undermining their judge authority (ie.: who the f*ck are you to judge?) Owning the accusation with pride (high-risk, high-reward) Go meta: explain what they’re really doing, and what their little dirty motives actually are See one more example here: Fighting judge frame Example: an example of being the victim of a judge frame about “what it means to be a man”, plus how he could have controlled it better Power University: more examples in the course 5. Develop antifragile ego & growth mindset Who is more likely to overreact and seek emotional rewards? It’s usually people with a fragile ego, low self-esteem, and a fixed mindset. Work on developing a growth mindset, an antifragile ego, and learning to better control your thoughts and mind. Then any judge who tries to make you feel bad for who you are will be shooting against a concrete armor. Example: At the time of writing, the last time someone told me “I’m disappointed” was a girl just a few weeks ago. I don’t remember exactly what she was disappointed about, and that says a lot about how it bounced off of me. But I do remember she said that, and I took good note of it. I liked her a bit less after that and took it as a red flag of a potential game player. 6. Distance yourself from bad judges Smart judges can be good at frame control as well as manipulation. But nobody can manipulate you if you stay out of reach. And they can never touch you again if you remain out of reach. No matter how good or powerful they can be, or how long you still need to go to master persuasion and power dynamics, if you remove yourself, you can’t be wronged anymore. This is a trump card that anyone can take advantage of. 7. Cut out game players & manipulators from your life

Most people play some games. But some people play more games than others, and some play highly manipulative and abusive games. Those people are better out of your life than in your life. Instead, seek: Seek secure partners for intimate relationships Seek people who play for win-win Ruthlessly cut-off manipulators, nasty game players, and low-quality individuals 8. Fix childhood traumas This will not apply to everyone but, to those it applies for, it can be a life-changer. Here are some questions for a quick self-assessment: Do you have constant issues with authority figures? Do you see bosses as mother or father figures? Do bosses have an outsized influence on your emotional inner life? Did you have emotionally distant parents, unusually demanding parents, or parents who used your for their own gratification? If so, it’s possible you are carrying some emotional wounds. Those wounds can be healed, and therapy can help. Using Judges For (Dark) Motivation We mentioned earlier that judges can be used for motivation. Let’s dig deeper: Emotional Pain As Motivation A surprising number of high-achievers have either been hurt, or come from abusive backgrounds. And a good chunk of these individuals climbed their hierarchies fighting against judges. Keep in mind that past judges include: Exclusions: a way of saying “you’re not good enough” (to be a part of us) Bullying: a way of saying “you’re not good enough” (to be part of us and stand up for yourself) Michael Jordan’s leveraged many judges across his career: Jordan: He started the whole process with me, because when he made the team and I didn’t, I wanted to prove (…) you made a mistake dude.

Jordan is not the exception. Many high achievers, and many smart coaches who wanted to motivate their teams used negative judges as motivation. Personally I’m ambivalent about using negative judges for achievement. Negative judges tend to make the process anger-fueled, and the victory a brief moment of vengeance-driven pleasure that soon evaporates (Grover, 2013). That reduces the total happiness and contentedness in life. And as Tony Robbins said: achievement without fulfillment is the ultimate failure. Plus, if you can find motivation within you, without giving away control, it’s even better. SUMMARY The judge role is a concept elaborated by Lucio Buffalmano building on insights from transactional analysis, power dynamics, and insights from dark psychology manipulation. Judges exert power via emotional control, rather than sheer force or violence and, as such, are an example of soft power in social interactions. Understanding judge roles and learning to control judge frames will go a long way to help you master power dynamics. As a rule of thumb, keep this in mind: the more you advance in life, the less you will be judged, and the more you will be the judge. As usual, my invite to readers is to use power for value-adding purposes. If you try to abuse of judge powers, you disappoint me and the whole power moves crowd (punishment-based judge frame). If you use it for value-adding causes, you will make us proud and you belong with us (reward-based judge frame). Related

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Filed Under: Social Power Moves, Social Power Theory [Image: lucio founder of the power moves] About the Author: Lucio Buffalmano Lucio is a social scientist, member of APA and a perpetual researcher of human nature. He teaches power dynamics because he believes that to be good, you first need to learn how to be bad.

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You've been randomly selected to try out the new Textise Preview version. Opt in to use this every time. The Preview version features faster loading times and other upcoming improvements. During this extremely difficult time, we at Textise urge everyone to stay safe and adhere to your government's regulations concerning the pandemic. You can get the latest information about the Novel Coronavirus at the World Health Organisation (WHO) site (text-only view). This page has been Textised with the Preview version! The original page address was https://thepowermoves.com/toxic-masculinity/ For sharing use ... Here are some options: Back to original page (in this window | in a new window) Convert this page to a PDF Print this page Textise Home Page (full version | text only version) Textise Options Page (choose font size, font colour, etc.) Are you a webmaster? Find out how to easily add Textise to your web site. Skip to main content Underpriced's offer is ending. Price jumps in 12 hours. Enroll before it's too late. The Power Moves Power dynamics, life strategies, and owning your life. Start Here Power Definitions Blog Social Power Dynamics Career Strategies Dating For Women Dating For Men Relationships Resources Speed Learning Power University Seduction University Forum Join In! 5 Toxic Pick-Up Artist Mindsets You Must Avoid April 3, 2019 By Lucio Buffalmano Toxic masculinity is a loose concept and definition encompassing all individuals and arguments who seek to justify and legitimize male’s (purportedly) dominant position in society. Toxic masculinity has also taken a larger scope and it has been associated with the worst stereotypical male traits which include expressions of violence, aggression, emotional distance, and dominance. By the end of this article, you will know what toxic masculinity really is and what mindsets men should distance themselves from. [Image: man with gas mask (toxic masculinity)] Contents A Brief History of Toxic Masculinity Toxic Masculinity Definition How Toxic Masculinity Hides #1. Need Her Less #2. Girls Are Silly And Cute #3. Women Always Cheat #4. Alpha Fucks, Beta Bucks (So: “NEVER Invest”) #5. Toxic Tribe Mentality (The “PUA-Lair”) SUMMARY

A Brief History of Toxic Masculinity Toxic masculinity is the digital-age popularization of an older sociological theory. The theory, going by the name of “hegemonic masculinity ” in scholar circles, postulates that (some) men actively seek to perpetuate their dominant role in society. In their effort to defend their unfair privileges, men restrain women’s rights and keep them subjugated. “Hegemonic masculinity” is a term coined by fellow sociologist Raewyn Connell. Connell, a transexual woman and an exponent of the Australian “New Left” movement, has long fought in feminist movements. Her theory of hegemonic masculinity is based on the theories of classes power struggles of my fellow countryman (and notfellow Marxist) Antonio Gramsci. Alright… Now, why does this background matter? It’s for a simple reason: the term and theory of toxic masculinity have their roots in feminist and left-wing circles. And today toxic masculinity has been identified as feminist and left-wing. And that’s a pity. It’s a pity because toxic masculinity is not an invention of politically-motivated fringe groups. Toxic masculinity, same as toxic feminism for women, is real, is harmful, and it’s poisoning many men’s minds.

Toxic Masculinity Definition In this definition of toxic masculinity, I want to break away from leftist and feminist movements and embrace a politically neutral, gender-neutral definition. I will define toxic masculinity as: Any theory, mindset, philosophy or advice which promotes, directly or indirectly, hatred, misogyny, or predatory and abusive behavior. Toxic masculinity promotes bitterness, a black and white vision of the world, and “in-group VS outgroup” social dynamics. Among the consequences of toxic masculinity are poor mental health, poor intimate relationships, and a bellicose attitude towards women and “non-members of the tribe”. Instead of looking at toxic masculinity as the sign of men battling to keep their dominance, my definition equates toxic masculinity with bitterness and what I refer to as “low-quality men“. The high-quality man approach to masculinity is different. The difference is that high-quality leaders don’t need to battle to be the leader of their relationships. They naturally are. And people want them there. In this definition, a man who does not believe in the usefulness of gender equality is not necessarily part of a “toxic culture of masculinity”.

Toxic Masculinity as Overreaction to “Male Shaming”? [Image: amle shaming] Millennia of pain and abuse… All your fault, man! I can understand why manosphere blogs and communities such as The Red Pill, which in turn have become breeding ground for toxic masculinity, have become so popular. Feminism has done great things and female emancipation was long overdue. Yet, at times, the feminist movement found its reason to be against men. Especially, of course, white men. “Men VS women” has indeed sadly become one of the main narratives of our divided society. And in a world that has become so polarized, we desperately need politiques who stand in the middle and build bridges. Building bridges, in my opinion, is also done by exposing the toxic shortcoming in “one’s own camp”. Men criticizing feminism indeed have limited credibility (same for feminists criticizing “toxic masculinity” and “patriarchy”). And as a white man myself, I would have little credibility in pointing out the emptiness of extreme feminism. I think that’s best done by other female authors (read “Men on Strike: Why Men Are Boycotting Marriage“, as an example). And that’s why my contribution to the discourse is different.

A Voice for Reality-Based Win-Win

My main contribution can only come from highlighting the aspects of toxic masculinity. Not as a man who sympathizes with feminists and not as a man who feels guilty about being a man (fuck that mentality). But as a guy who looks beyond gender divides. I personally have little patience for anyone who finds their reason to be in attacking and vilifying others. I have no sympathy for extremist feminists, “patriarchy conspiracists”, “limousine liberals” and “guilt-ridden white men This post is for men (and women) who want to develop themselves into high-quality men (and women) and who believe that “against” is a meaningless, sub-par, and undeserving approach to life. As corny as it might sound, building bridges is superior to tearing each others apart. We Live In A Divisive Society If you look at the debate between Jordan Peterson, author Peterson, author of 12 Rules For Life, “VS” Caty Newman, you will realize how divisive our society is. Peterson talks from a point of view of reason and data. He does not stand against women, men, or trans. But the simple fact the debate was framed as “feminist VS male-right defender” says a lot about the toxic and divisive culture we’re living in.

How Toxic Masculinity Hides Toxic masculinity, the same as extremist feminism, rarely comes out saying the harsh truths. You’ll never hear anyone saying: “I hate women” Or: “I feel inferior, so I seek protection among other men and together we can feel better by vilifying women” Instead, it hides behind (slightly) higher ideals and values. It hides behind the ruse of “seeking the truth”, “male self-development” or “defending men’s rights for a fairer society”. It’s behind those fronts that toxic masculinity festers and proselytize. This is normal: everywhere and anywhere humans have a tendency to hide their darkest drives and fears behind bigger ideals. And that’s why we need a deeper analysis to separate the good advice from the toxic ones. The 5 entries below show how seemingly benign advice and mindsets actually hide very toxic mindsets. For a quicker consumption: in green is the ruse, such as how authors and thought leaders hide their message behind positive ideals. In red is what it really means and what the consequences actually are.

#1. Need Her Less Ruse: high-quality men are leaders, and to remain the leader of the relationship, you must need her less. And she’ll like you more for it. Toxic masculinity translation = relationships are power struggles and we must win them Needing your partner less is very common dating advice in both male and female dating literature. It’s poor advice, but there is a backdrop of truth when it comes to power dynamics both in dating and negotiating. Needing a deal -or a person- less than the other party is one of the basics rules of negotiation. This is what Trump refers to when he says to “always being ready to walk off the negotiation table” in “The Art of The Deal“. And this is why any good book on negotiation recommends the readers to look for as many alternatives as they can (Ury and Fisher in Getting to Yes call it “BATNA”: “Best Alternative to a Negotiated Agreement”).

So if you approach negotiations -and relationships- with a mindset of who’s got more power, then yes, the party who needs the other the least, has more power. But what’s the problem with that? Everything! To begin with, approaching negotiations with the idea of overpowering your “opponent” most often leads to poor results (Chris Voss, “Never Split The Difference“). And many pieces of research and studies have shown that concessions and a win-win attitude actually helps to achieve better results (Stephen Covey made “win-win” one of his key habits in his bestselling “7 Habits of Highly Effective People“).

And guess what? This is all the more true in relationships! Why “Need Her Less” is Toxic Mindset Just think about it. When you approach a relationship with the idea of “needing her less”, are you more likely to give, support her and create a nurturing and positive relationship, or are you more likely to take away, always be on guard and create a toxic relationship?

Of course, it’s the latter! Let’s not dance around it. Men who focus on “needing her less” have sh*tty relationships. I’ll tell you more: men who focus on “needing her less” are, often, not simply low-quality men but also abusive men (also read Lundy Bancroft’s bible on abusive men “Why Does He Do That” and Patricia Evan’s excellent work “Controlling People” for the psychology of power hungry and controlling individuals).

Think about, how is a man who approaches relationships thinking that “he has to need her less” likely to act? He is likely to act in the following ways: “Encourage” her to stay her home Discourage her to grow and improve Keep her one down (see examples of one-downs here) Social climb her trying to appear “better than her” Keep her away from other “options & threats” (overjealous boyfriends) It’s pretty clear that these are low-quality behavior, right? And albeit they don’t all start with a “need her less mindset”, a “need her less mindset” often does lead to these behaviors. “Need Her Less” Stems From Fear Approaching relationships with the idea of “needing her less” is also a defensive mindset. It’s the defensive mindset of the man who’s afraid of getting hurt and strikes pre-emptively because he’s afraid of not being enough to be the leader of that relationship. And a defensive mindset communicates the same that defensive body language communicates: fear. [Image: boy with a weapon] “need her less” is the pre-emptive strike approach of the fearful boy Intimate relationships are one of those realms where some vulnerability can help (up to a certain point, also read: vulnerability is not power). Better Approach: Develop yourself into a man with many options. Absolutely. In everything in life. But do not approach your intimate relationships with the main focus of “needing her less”. Even if you stay away from the most extreme cases of abusive relationships, by its very nature this mindset makes your relationships -and your life- worse off and less fulfilling. Instead of focusing on needing her less, make her want you more Also read: How to maintain power and attraction in relationships Relationship power dynamics 101

#2. Girls Are Silly And Cute Ruse: High-quality men know that what all women crave is a powerful man who makes them feel silly and cute Toxic masculinity translation = men are intelligent and powerful; women are intellectually inferior This was a popular mantra at the beginning of the pick-up community (read “The Game” and “The Mystery Method“). But it’s still going strong today. Even one of the dating coaches I recommend, Chase Amante the author of Girl’s Chase and One Date, espouses this mindset. Again, there is a backdrop of truth. It’s true that most “strong-looking women” will mellow and act much “girlier” with stronger men who dominate their relationships. But that doesn’t mean said girls are generally “silly and cute”. Without sugar coating it, this mantra is quite meaningless. Many girls aren’t silly, many girls aren’t cute and some girls are just awesome without being silly and cute.

So why do men tell themselves that women are silly and cute? Because they need a crutch. It works like this: I’m afraid of approaching a girl, but I tell myself she’s just cute and funny maybe it’s easier. It will hurt if I get rejected, but if I tell myself girls are silly then it’s better I feel inferior so I tell myself that girls are below me to make me feel better But hey, if “girls are silly and cute” can help you for a while, that’s all good. But I don’t think it really helps you much. It’s because it seeks to address the consequences of the issues instead of fixing the root causes. [Image: girl in silly and cute sailor costume] A man who’s developed strong internal confidence and, most of all, an antifragile ego, doesn’t need to push women down to give himself courage. And I think that whenever you can choose, you’re always better off staring at the truth rather than seeking refuge in “your own reality” (also read: Principles by Ray Dalio and The 50th Law, both texts stressing the importance of focusing on reality). Real power is starting naked a reality. Even when it hurts. Especially when it hurts And, finally, if you think women are silly and cute, what kind of woman are you likely to find? A high-quality, go-getter, smart professional? Or a silly and cute one waiting for your handouts?

#3. Women Always Cheat Ruse: Men must know that a woman will never be “his”. Red-pilled men know that women are not into “you” but simply seeking the best man they can get Toxic masculinity translation = men have values and ideals; women have no ethics morals [Image: hugh heffner mit girlfriends] |Source=selbst fotografiert. Originally from [http://de.wikipedia.org de.wikipedia] In Red-Pill parlance, this becomes “women are hypergamous“. Which is true. And so are men. Hypergamy is nothing but the innate tendency of maximizing returns. Both genders have it. As a matter of fact, all forms of life have it. We just happen to express it differently. As a very general rule of thumb: Male hypergamy seeks to amass resources to exchange them for sex Female hypergamy seeks to maximize attractiveness to exchange youth and beauty for resources But many manosphere and red-pill communities don’t look at the whole spectrum. They only focus on the female side of hypergamy. Toxic masculinity indeed exploits the ruse of female hypergamy to vilify women and to justify their own personal grudges against women. The Truth of Female Hypergamy [Image: hypergamy infographic] The idea behind the much-vaunted “female hypergamy” is that women will drop men at the drop of a hat because all they care of is securing the best man they can get. For the sake of clarity, women do are more ruthless than men when it comes to dating. Studies and researches show that women are actually less romantic than men and more pragmatic. I speculate that this is likely because: 1. Women have a shorter reproductive span 2. Women need more help and support with child reading Basically, it’s biological differences which require women to be more pragmatic and “ruthless”. A woman mindset tends to be more like this: Are you committing and delivering? No?

Then make space for someone who will. See you. And in a way, that’s good. Women should be more ruthless and pragmatic for the good of the specie and for the children. Female Hypergamy As Sign of Quality Woman Just think about it: what type of woman would not care at all if her man is poor, unreliable, and generally low quality? It’s a low-quality woman of course and a terrible mother! A certain amount of hypergamy indeed is a signal of quality, both in men and in women. Hypergamy Complaints Are Motivated by Fear But of course, toxic masculinity doesn’t see the need behind the woman’s actions. They see the affront. They see the danger. They see the possibility that a woman might prefer another man. Maybe a better man! Ouch! And instead of working on themselves, they choose to lash out.

#4. Alpha Fucks, Beta Bucks (So: “NEVER Invest”) Ruse: Low-quality men have to pay their difference into bedding a woman. High-quality men don’t have to because they’re enough Toxic masculinity translation = alphaness is expressed through multiple sexual partners that men should never share resources with Again, there is a backdrop of truth in this one as well. There are plenty of men who chase women the wrong way and who use investment and money to make up for a lack of personal value (this is why I tell women not to focus on making men chase BTW: because only the poor quality ones will do). Here is an example: Of course, as for the previous signs, toxic masculinity takes a principle that applies on some occasions and makes it a black and white principle, generalized to all situations and taken to the extreme. But what’s toxic here is not so much so that the principle, generally applied, is wrong (see examples in lovers VS providers), but that it’s used as a tool for hatred and ego massaging. This is indeed what I call “alpha posturing“. Such as: I accuse other men of being “betas”, so that I can feel better by comparison. Basically it works like this: The more I can point fingers to some losers, the more I can feel better about myself (and hopefully others will believe me) Of course, the “losers” are often strawmen with exaggerated traits (or the accusers take extra care of exaggerating those “beta” traits). Why? Because, psychologically, the bigger the distance he can put between himself and the “beta”, the better he can feel about himself.

Of course, to the alpha posturing man it matters little that he is probably not getting laid that often himself, or that he’s in rather unfulfilling relationships. What really matters is that he can prop up his ego to feel better in the short run. This, my friend, is an ego fix. It’s mentally rather unhealthy and it’s one of the reasons why alpha male posturing is a form of emotional addiction.

#5. Toxic Tribe Mentality (The “PUA-Lair”) Ruse: We form communities to learn, improve and support each other. We bond in good spirit and have a great atmosphere going on Toxic masculinity translation = We feel great together by tearing apart those who don’t belong within “us”. Being part of a group covers my insecurities. And those who criticize us, especially if females, we gang up on them Finally, one of the worst emblems of toxic masculinity is the “tribe mentality”.

It’s the congregation of men around strong values and ideals (some good, some others toxic) who makes it all too easy to build an enemy represented by “those outside of the tribe” and, of course, the women. It might seem a stretch to you, but this is the same in-group and out-group dynamics which have been the basis and backbone of most of the world wars, atrocities and our most shameful moments of shared history. This isn’t just true for men, of course, this is the same for toxic feminism. And it’s the reason why to me feminism and toxic masculinity are both strands of the same toxic mindsets. I will write more about it because this is crucial, but it’s something I already talked about when reviewing toxic masculinity and toxic feminist books such as: The Way of Men Lean In Tribe by Sebastian Junger The only group you belong to is that of the human race. Anything less is backward, and far too dangerous -Robert Greene

SUMMARY Alright, we’ve covered some ground here. This was a mixed post of theory plus practice. First, we reviewed toxic masculinity (the theory). Second, we got into the mindset that you must avoid (the practical side). I want to highlight again that this is not an attack on the manosphere as a whole. There are plenty of good ideas there and plenty of cool guys. There are also many readers of manosphere blogs and communities who read here. And I am very happy about that: [Image: understanding toxic masculinity] From a YouTube comment on the video Every time one guy realizes he was going down the wrong path and changes course, the world just got a bit better. Related

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Filed Under: Dating, Dating For Him, Relationships, Social Power Theory Tagged With: bad red pill mindsets, red pill dating, toxic manosphere, toxic masculinity, toxic masculinity definition, toxic red pill, toxic red pill mindsets, what is toxic masculinity [Image: lucio founder of the power moves] About the Author: Lucio Buffalmano Lucio is a social scientist, member of APA and a perpetual researcher of human nature. He teaches power dynamics because he believes that to be good, you first need to learn how to be bad. ThePowerMoves.com is where this new breed of leaders come to train. Power University About Contact T&Cs Privacy Refund Policy Copyright The Power Moves© 2020 · Log in

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Join In! Dating Power Dynamics: Resources & Change Log December 24, 2019 By Lucio Buffalmano Contents Dating Power Dynamics Resources Change Log Version 4 Version 5 Version 6 Dating Power Dynamics Resources The Mating Mind, Geoffrey Miller, 2000 The Red Queen, Matt Ridley, 1993 The Evolution of Desire, David Buss, 2016 (4th edition) Mate, Geoffrey Miller and Tucker Max, 2015 The Moral Animal, Robert Wright, 1994 The Selfish Gene, Richard Dawkins, 2006 (third edition) Why Beautiful People Have More Daughters, Kanazawa, 2008 Attraction Explained, Viren Swami, 2006 Evolutionary Psychology, David Buss, 2018 How the Mind Works, Steven Pinker, 1998 Why Women Have Better Sex Under Socialism, Kristen Ghodsee, 2018 Alpha Male Strategies, AMS, 2018 Mate Selection Criteria: A Trait Desirability Assessment Study of Sex Differences in Serbia, Bojan Todosijević, 2003 Positive and negative preferences in human mate selection, Nicolas Vaillant & Francois-Charles Wolff, 2010 Sex and age differences in preferences and tactics of mate attraction: Analysis of published advertisements, Iain Greenless, 1994 Mating and Marketing, David Buss, 2019 Mate Preferences and Their Behavioral Manifestations, David Buss, 2019 Assortative mating and the evolution of desirability covariation, David Buss, 2019 Deceit and Self-Deception: The Relationship between Communication and Consciousness, Robert Trivers, 1991 Parental Investment and Sexual Selection, Robert Trivers, 1972 Testosterone-dependent facial and body traits predict sociosexual attitudes and behaviors, Todd K. Shackelford, 2019 Sperm competition in marriage: Semen displacement, male rivals, and spousal discrepancy in sexual interest, Todd K. Shackelford, 2017 Sex differences in perceptions of attractiveness of strong and weak male walkers, Todd K. Shackelford, 2016 An Evolutionary Psychological Perspective on Cultures of Honor, Todd K. Shackelford, 2015

Why Is Muscularity Sexy? Tests of the Fitness Indicator Hypothesis, Frederick et. al, 2007 Men’s Bodily Attractiveness: Muscles as Fitness Indicators, Durkee et. al., 2019 Cross-Cultural Investigation of Male Gait Perception in Relation to Physical Strength and Speed, Bernarnd Fink et. al., 2017 How Sexually Dimorphic Are Human Mate Preferences?, Daniel ConroyBeam et. al., 2015 Female physical characteristics and intra-sexual competition in women, Bernard Fink et. al., 2014 Human sexual conflict from molecules to culture, Gregory Gorelik, 2011 Some Like Them Hot: How Germans Construct Male Attractiveness, Bauer, Hofmeister, 2009 Sexual conflict in humans: Evolutionary consequences of asymmetric parental investment and paternity uncertainty, Aaron Goetz, 2009 Sex ratio and mate preferences: A cross-cultural investigation, Emily Stone, 2007 Narcissism and the strategic pursuit of short-term mating: Universal links across 11 world regions of the International Sexuality Description Project-2., David Schmitt, et. al., 2017 Big Five Traits Related to Short-Term Mating: From Personality to Promiscuity across 46 Nations, Todd K. Shackelford et. al., 2008 The desire for sexual variety as a key to understanding basic human mating strategies, David Schmitt et. al., 2005 Are men really more ‘oriented’ toward short-term mating than women? A critical review of theory and research, David Schmitt & Todd K. Shackelford, 2001 He said, she said: Men’s reports of mate value and mate retention behaviors in intimate relationships, Starratt and Shackelford, 2012 Personality and mate preferences: five factors in mate selection and marital satisfaction, Botwin , 1997 Universal dimensions of human mate preferences, Schmitt, Shackelford & Buss, 2005 Do Mate Preferences Influence Actual Mating Decisions? Evidence From Computer Simulations and Three Studies of Mated Couples, Daniel Conroy-Beam and David M. Buss, 2016 Sex Differences in Long-Term Mating Preferences, David Schmitt & David Buss Mate preferences of married persons in the newlywed year and three years later, Shackelford, Schmitt & Buss, 2005 Socioeconomic Development and Shifts in Mate Preferences, Emily Stone & David Buss, 2008 Evolved Sex Differences in the Number of Partners Desired? The Long and the Short of It, Pederson et. al., 2002 A Half Century of Mate Preferences: The Cultural Evolution of Values, David Buss, 2011 Is variability in mate choice similar for intelligence and personality traits? Testing a hypothesis about the evolutionary genetics of personality, David Buss et. al., 2012 The allure of vulnerability: Advertising cues to exploitability as a signal of sexual accessibility, Cari Goetz et. al., 2014

Sexual Conflict in Human Mating, David Buss, 2017 Gossip as an intrasexual competition strategy: Predicting information sharing from potential mate versus competitor mating strategies, Joy Wyckoff, 2018 Sexual and Emotional Infidelity: Evolved Gender Differences in Jealousy Prove Robust and Replicable, David Buss, 2017 Sexual regret: Evidence for evolved sex differences, Galperin, 2013 The Costs of Rape, Carin Perilloux, 2011 Sexual exploitability: observable cues and their link to sexual attraction, Cari Goetz et. al., 2012 Ovulatory Shifts in Female Sexual Desire, Elizabeth Pillsworth, 2004 Women’s sexual strategies: the hidden dimension of extrapair mating, Heidi Greiling, 1998 Is there an early-30’s peak in female sexual desire? Cross-sectional evidence from the United States and Canada, Schmitt et. al., 2002 Adult hippocampal neurogenesis buffers stress responses and depressive behaviour, Snyder et. al., 2011 Environment contingent preferences: Exposure to visual cues of direct male– male competition and wealth increase women’s preferences for masculinity in male faces, Little, DeBruine, & Jones, 2013 The evolutionary psychology of extrapair sex: The role of fluctuating asymmetry, Gangestad & Thornhill, 1997 The evolutionary psychology of facial beauty, Rhodes, 2006 How does marriage affect length of life? Analysis of a French historical dataset from an evolutionary perspective, Gellatly & Strömer, 2017 Sex differences in the anatomical locations of human body scarification and tattooing as a function of pathogen prevalence, Singh & Bronstad, 1997 The biology of facial beauty, Fink & Neave, 2005 Visual skin color distribution plays a role in the perception of age, attractiveness, and health of female faces, Fink, Grammer, & Matts, 2006 Color homogeneity and visual perception of age, health, and attractiveness of female facial skin, Matts et. al. The Evolution of Human Physical Attractiveness, Gangestad & Scheyd, 2005 Female Facial Appearance and Health, Gray & Boothroyd, 2012 Vocal and visual attractiveness is related in women, Collins & Missing, 2003 High heels as supernormal stimuli: How wearing high heels affects judgements of female attractiveness, Morris, White, Morrison, & Fisher, 2013 Adaptive preferences for leg length in a potential partner, Sorokowski & Pawlowski, 2008 Lumbar curvature: A previously undiscovered standard of attractiveness, Lewis et al., 2015 Strategic reactions to unfaithfulness: Female self-presentation in the context of mate attraction is linked to uncertainty of paternity, Dosmukhambetova & Manstead, 2011 Parental Bereavement: A Panoramic View, Hunt & Greeff, 2012 Estimating the prevalence of nonpaternity in Germany, Wolf, Musch, Enczmann, & Fischer, 2012

Physical Attractiveness Contrast Effect: Implications for Self-Esteem and Evaluations of the Social Self, Thornton and Moore, 1993 Amounts spent on engagement rings reflect aspects of male and female mate quality, Cronk & Dunham, 2007 Female intrasexual competition decreases female facial attractiveness, Fisher, 2004 Husband’s Esteem Predicts his Mate Retention Tactics, Holden et. al., 2014 Boosting beauty in an economic decline: mating, spending, and the lipstick effect, Hill, Rodeheffer, Griskevicius, Durante, & White, 2012 The relative importance of the face and body in judgments of human physical attractiveness, by Currie and Little, 2009 Toward an evolutionary history of female sociosexual variation, Gangestad and Simpson, 1990 Evolution, traits, and the stages of human courtship: qualifying the parental investment model, Kenrick, Sadalla, Groth, & Trost, 1990 Sex differences in type of extramarital involvement and marital dissatisfaction, Glass and Wright, 1985 Justifications for Extramarital Relationships: The Association between Attitudes, Behaviors, and Gender, Glass and Wright, 1982 Social exclusion and female mating behavior: Rejected women show strategic enhancement of short-term mating interest, Sacco et. al., 2012 No evidence for ovulatory cycle shifts in women’s preferences for men’s behaviors in a pre-registered study, Jünger, Gerlach, & Penke, 2018. Sociosexuality in Women and Preference for Facial Masculinization and Somatotype in Men, Provost, Kormos, Kosakoski, & Quinsey, 2006 Trade-offs in Low-Income Women’s Mate Preferences, Vigil, Geary, & Byrd-Craven, 2004 The dark triad and relationship preferences: A replication and extension, Koladich & Atkinson, 2016 Is Male Care Compromised by Additional Mating Opportunity, Magrath & Komdeur, 2003 The evolutionary biology of human female sexuality. Gangestad & Thornhill, 2008 Human parenting from an evolutionary perspective, Bjorklund & Jordan, 2013 Peer victimization in adolescence has different effects on the sexual behavior of male and female college students, Gallup, O’Brien, White, & Wilson, 2009 The influence of female attractiveness on competitor derogation, Fisher & Cox, 2009 Intolerance of sexy peers: intrasexual competition among women, Vaillancourt & Sharma, 2011 Evolutionary perspective on indirect victimization in adolescence: the role of attractiveness, dating and sexual behavior, Leenaars, Dane, & Marini, 2008 Women selectively guard their (desirable) mates from ovulating women, Krems, Neel, Neuberg, Puts, & Kenrick, 2016 Error management theory: A new perspective on biases in cross-sex mind reading, Haselton & Buss, 2000 Sociosexuality as predictor of sexual harassment and coercion in female and male high school students, Kennair & Bendixen, 2012

Advances in the Understanding of Same-Sex and Opposite-Sex Sexual Harassment, Bendixen & Kennair, 2017 The Dark Triad and sexual harassment proclivity, Zeigler-Hill, Besser, Morag, & Campbell, 2016 The unholy trinity: The Dark Triad, coercion, and Brunswik-Symmetry, Figuered et. al., 2015 Intimate Partner Violence and Life History Strategy, Figueredo, Gladden, & Beck, 2010 Sexual coercion and life-history strategy, Gladden, Sisco, & Figueredo, 2008 (Mis)matching in physical attractiveness and women’s resistance to mate guarding, Fugère, Cousins, & MacLaren, 2015 Invariances in the architecture of pride across small-scale societies, Sznycer et al., 2018 Cross-cultural regularities in the cognitive architecture of pride Sznycer et al., 2017 Sexual conflict over mating and fertilization: an overview, Parker, 2006 Sexual economics: sex as female resource for social exchange in heterosexual interactions, Baumeister and Vohs, 2004 Men’s misperceptions about the acceptability and attractiveness of aggression, Vandello et. al., 2009 Niceness and dating success: A further test of the nice guy stereotype, Urbaniek and Killman, 2006 Physical Attractiveness and the “Nice Guy Paradox”: Do Nice Guys Really Finish Last?, Urbaniek and Killman, 2003 The Perils of Being a Nice Guy: Contextual Variation in Five Young Women’s Constructions of Acceptable Hegemonic and Alternative Masculinities, Talbot & Quayle (2010) Dissing Oneself versus Dissing Rivals: Effects of Status, Personality, and Sex on the Short-Term and Long-Term Attractiveness of Self-Deprecating and Other-Deprecating Humor, Miller & Greengross Evolution and the Theory of Games, Maynard Smith, 1982 Change Log The change log starts from version 4. Version 4 The Sexual Marketplace (chapter 1) This part analyzes all the traits that men and women seek in a mate. It combs several of the best evolutionary psychology books to give you a quick overview of what people offer and demand in the sexual marketplace. Some of this stuff you know for sure and it will not be new, but some other traits be more surprising (how high kindness ranks and the #1 position for loyalty in a large survey). Evolved Tools of Sexual Conflict (chapter 3)

The interests of men and women diverge sometimes, and both genders evolved some tools and techniques to take advantage of each other. This chapter reviews what those adaptations are. It’s a slightly more information-rich version of the public post “sexual conflict”, so if you read that post you can skip it. Otherwise, it can provide some helpful information. What influences Sexual Market Value (chapter 4) New chapter, it combines some bits that were previously scattered and adds some new information. It quickly reviews how one’s sexual market value varies depending on variables such as gender ratio, personality, culture, children, state (socialist VS laissez-faire). Some of those variables we can easily change, so there is some important practical takeaway there. Version 5 New Chapter: effective sexual strategies (both men and women) This is a new chapter listing all known research on what’s been proven to work in dating for both men and women, combined with practical tips and real-life examples. Breaking up chapters and adding info: short and long term dating For ease of reading, I combined information on short and long term dating strategies into a new chapter dedicated to these two overarching dating strategies. Version 6 Breaking up chapter: sexual strategies for men & women I broke up the chapter on sexual strategies for both men and women, plus adding more examples for each. New game: conspicuous rejection I added a new game women play. That’s the “conspicuous rejection”, when they make a big show of rejecting the guy. I explain what this game is and how men can handle it. More examples I added a lot more examples. Since having picture would have made the file huge, I instead link out to picture that I host on this website. Related

Filed Under: Social Power Moves [Image: lucio founder of the power moves] About the Author: Lucio Buffalmano Lucio is a social scientist, member of APA and a perpetual researcher of human nature. He teaches power dynamics because he believes that to be good, you first need to learn how to be bad. ThePowerMoves.com is where this new breed of leaders come to train. Power University About Contact T&Cs Privacy Refund Policy Copyright The Power Moves© 2020 · Log in

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Join In! What To Do When Someone Makes You Wait October 12, 2017 By Lucio Buffalmano It can be damning when someone makes you wait, right? Maybe they were honestly busy, or maybe they were playing a power game on you. Sometimes it’s hard to say. But there you are, waiting for them.

What you do when someone makes you wait determines what kind of relationship you are going to have. And it determines how much they are going to respect you (or not going to respect you) If you handle it well you will send the message that you value your time, that you demand respect and that this is the last time they will leave you waiting. In this article, we will explain how to do just that. [Image: what to do when someone makes you wait] WTF dude… Ive been here one hour! Contents The Power Dynamics of Making Someone Wait How to Wait For Someone #1. Prevention: Meet at Your Convenience #2. Start Without Them #3. Busy Yourself #4. Even The Scores: Let Them Wait #5. Demand Respect & Let Them Apologize #6. Let Them Pay #7. Cut Them Loose Restoring Power The Right Way Waiting For Someone: The Mindsets You’re a Fair Man, You Demand Fair Relationships No Vendetta: Only a Fair Relationship Your Time is Valuable Summary The Power Dynamics of Making Someone Wait Making you wait is a common social power move in both business and dating. It shows that the person letting you wait:

1. Is the chooser, because if they don’t rush and you rushed and are happy to wait, it means you probably need something from them. Indeed a salesperson does not make the prospect wait, but the prospect can make the salesperson wait; 2. Is more powerful as it’s a slight sign of disrespect. You don’t let your boss wait usually; 3. Is higher value, by communicating that whatever else they were doing is more important than you. And it lowers your value by saying that your time is not as important as theirs.

How to Wait For Someone Of course, you are not cool with any of those implications, so let’s see how you restore some power balance. #1. Prevention: Meet at Your Convenience Prevention always goes a long way. Here are a few I routinely deploy: Meet Close to Your Place Whenever possible, choose meetings which are easy for you. If you’re a man and we’re talking about dating, always choose a location near your place: it’s best for both. Confirm The Meeting If it’s anything you have to leave the house for, always confirm place and time on the morning of the schedule meeting. Confirmation will make it harder for them to let you wait without looking disorganized. Plan B “Plan B” is anything allowing you not to waste your time if you have to wait. For example, I always have noise canceling earphones with a new audiobook in my phone, so worst case scenario I imbibe knowledge :). Power Dynamics The more you inconvenience yourself to meet someone, the more power you are giving them. Now remember, there are exceptions: if you need something from them, then you should make it easy for them and meet as close to them as possible. If it’s a meeting with a friend, meeting middle way or alternating between easy for you and easy for him is fair. #2. Start Without Them You Wait for Nobody

Once they fail to show up in a timely fashion, whenever possible start doing whatever you had planned doing without waiting. So if you are sitting at a diner table, order. If waiting outside the office for lunch, go by yourself. If you are at a meeting, start the meeting without them. Once people join the meeting later they will feel they have been marginalized and might try to grab attention back. They might say “sorry I was very busy”. Or they might try to interrupt your speech with some made up stuff like “sorry I was busy, where can I sit”. Don’t dignify their excuse or you are giving them power back. Instead, say it’s OK, but say so very nonchalantly and then move on. If they ask you a question, don’t reply verbally or reply the bare minimum. For example, if they ask where they can sit, keep talking and point to an empty chair. If they ask for a recap, don’t give a recap and say you will take it off line 1:1 after you’re done. If you can’t avoid answering, add a little zinger in there. Something like:

“Yes, this is important for you to know so I’ll repeat. Everyone else has already heard it so I’ll be brief” You’re communicating here that because of them everyone is being inconvenienced and you’re not afraid of highlighting it. Notice: “this is important for you to know so I’ll repeat” is a great way to reduce your compliance to them. Instead of just following the order you add that you repeat… Because it’s important for them to know, not because they just told you. Don’t let the late ahole take away your power, but comply because you want to instead.

Power Dynamics Waiting dignifies the late party and acknowledges that they, indeed, are important and can keep you waiting. It’s also a bad operant conditioning strategy as now everyone will think it’s OK to come late. And when you fail to educate people to respect your time, you can kiss goodbye to your chances of ever starting on time -and generally being respected for that matter-. Starting no matter what instead does the complete opposite. It puts the pressure on them for having joined late and sends the message that you wait for nobody. Powerful. Kabhib did great when he pressed to start the conference on time. #3. Busy Yourself You ain’t got time to waste [Image: dealing with people who make you wait: work]

If you can’t start, use that time. Bring anything with you that allows you to turn any downtime into productive time including waiting for some ahole to play his games-. If you have a laptop, use it. Or carry an ebook reader, or put an audiobook in your phone you can listen to. If all else fail, call someone you had to call or call someone you didn’t have to call just to say hi. Power Dynamics You are communicating here that you are a man who places a high value on his time and is not to be inconvenienced by their power plays. It will also soften the power of their move as you didn’t feel any impact. #4. Even The Scores: Let Them Wait Tit For That: Fight Fire With Fire This one comes straight from Allan Pease. When your beloved Power Mover finally shows up, let him greet you first and be slightly colder than usual in your greetings. If you are behind a laptop screen or if you were reading an ebook, don’t raise your head until they say something. Let them speak first, and then slowly raise your head and slowly pack. If you were talking to someone, finish the sentence or keep talking for a little bit before you turn around to say hi: you will communicate that the party who respected your time and presence gets more respect than the party who let you wait. If you were on the phone, keep talking for a little bit longer before you hang up and possibly shake the Power Mover hand while you’re still on the phone -a devilishly sneaky move to lower his status-. Look at the clip below. Notice Ashton Kutcher doesn’t say anything when his date arrives late and is rather cold and standoffish (turns his head the other way, looks ahead in the space). He puts social pressure on her to speak first, lean towards him and apologize, which helps restore some power balance. Note: She’s very shrewd though, and hell bent on keeping the power on her side. She leads towards the table first and thus forcing him to follow. But that’s another topic Power Dynamics If you greet him first as soon as he arrives, you look like a dog waiting for the owner. Letting them come to you and greet you first instead is a very easy way of restoring

some power balance. And of course, make them apologize: #5. Demand Respect & Let Them Apologize …And Don’t Rush Saying “It’s OK” If they enter the room or join you pretending nothing happened, they are disrespecting you. That’s when you want to straighten things out openly or prod them into an apology. [Image: man checking the watch] If you are on the same level or if you are above in the company or social hierarchy, be open and direct. Tell them it was not OK to let you wait and please not do so anymore without any warning. An apology is almost guaranteed at this point and you can resume being friendly after that. With fresher acquaintances or with a job interviewer or boss, you want to be more indirect. For example, you could look at your watch when they enter the room. A further step below that, here are a couple of nice ways to nudge them towards an apology while at the same time showing some warmth: “Hi, pleasure meeting you, I was thinking something happened” “Hi, good to see you, I was getting worried everything was OK” Power Dynamics People who are inconveniencing you should be volunteering apologies for the delay. If they don’t, it’s only fair you nudge them towards it. #6. Let Them Pay How to Restore Power Balance If we are talking about a major delay and you’re meeting for a coffee or lunch a person looking for a fair relationship might offer to pay. At that point, you can go ahead and refuse because what matters most is the gesture. The gesture, in this case, shows sincere apology and concern, which by itself restores the balance of power. If you were the one running late you can actually end up strengthening the relationship when you volunteer to make it up for them because it’s an opportunity to

show that you care. But “letting them pay” doesn’t have to financial. If the power mover doesn’t apologize sufficiently, you could for example leave earlier than planned saying you unluckily have something important to attend and it’s unfortunate you two only had so little time to share. He came late, you leave early, 1-1. #7. Cut Them Loose Are they doing it over and over? If you’re dealing with people who repeatedly disrespect your time or who don’t do anything to excuse their behavior, then it’s time to consider appropriate alternatives. It might b [Image: kiss goodbye to people who let you wait] e time to cut them loose. Here are a few considerations to assess if that’s appropriate. Excluding people who simply don’t get it, there are two possible scenarios: 1. They don’t value you 2. They are actively trying to undermine you If they don’t value you, you can keep interacting with them in case you are the only party who’s getting value from the interaction. For example, if the other party is your mentor, and he’s always late, you can willingly decide to take that disrespectful attitude in exchange for his help. If it’s an otherwise balanced relationship and they still often let you wait, start demanding investment back to be on an equal footing and if they refuse to stop meeting them on their terms. Restoring Power The Right Way Human relationships can be seen as exchanges. Is it you who needs something from them? In this case, don’t go overboard with the above tips. Was it them who wanted something from you? Then follow each and every step from above and quickly end the relationship if they don’t take major steps to restore the balance. And of course, if we’re talking about close relationships, always cut more slack because it’s more unlikely we’re talking about Power Moves there.

Waiting For Someone: The Mindsets As usual, the mindsets are the most important part. You’re a Fair Man, You Demand Fair Relationships You are looking for a fair and balanced relationship.

Even if you’re at a job interview and theoretically you want the position more than they need another candidate, there’s no excuse for playing power games. Letting you wait on purpose is indeed a sign they are not looking for a fair relationship. But that doesn’t change who you are and what you’re after, and that’s why: No Vendetta: Only a Fair Relationship You’re not looking for vendetta and you don’t sulk like a wronged kid. You deploy any method you can to restore the power balance because you always stand up to power plays and demand win-win relationships. But once you restore the balance, you stop pushing. As a matter of fact, once you achieve balance, you turn 360 degrees and make them feel good they helped you balance the relationship. That’s positive operant conditioning right there. When you do that, people will feel you’re a man of high value and will feel like idiots they tried to play you now that you’re so welcoming. Your Time is Valuable Finally, you view your time as valuable. You don’t necessarily want to be mean, but you’re not going to sit at a restaurant table fidgeting around. Summary Making you wait is one of the oldest Power Moves around. It lowers your value and raise the value of the person making you wait. Your goal then is to neutralize these effects. The above techniques are all designed to re-set the power balance and restart afresh towards a win-win relationship.

If they don’t do it, you have to shoulder the whole burden of channeling the relationship in that direction. Don’t complain, but smile. That’s the high-value man burden :). And here’s a real-life example of deliberately letting someone wait in highlevel politics: Related

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2 Filed Under: Social Power Moves, Workplace Power Tagged With: dealing with late people, how to wait for someone, making someone wait, making you wait, people who make you wait, what to do when a date is late, when you wait for someone

[Image: lucio founder of the power moves] About the Author: Lucio Buffalmano Lucio is a social scientist, member of APA and a perpetual researcher of human nature. He teaches power dynamics because he believes that to be good, you first need to learn how to be bad. ThePowerMoves.com is where this new breed of leaders come to train. Power University About Contact T&Cs Privacy Refund Policy Copyright The Power Moves© 2020 · Log in

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You've been randomly selected to try out the new Textise Preview version. Opt in to use this every time. The Preview version features faster loading times and other upcoming improvements. During this extremely difficult time, we at Textise urge everyone to stay safe and adhere to your government's regulations concerning the pandemic. You can get the latest information about the Novel Coronavirus at the World Health Organisation (WHO) site (text-only view). This page has been Textised with the Preview version! The original page address was https://thepowermoves.com/the-modern-48-laws-of-power/ For sharing use ... Here are some options: Back to original page (in this window | in a new window) Convert this page to a PDF Print this page Textise Home Page (full version | text only version) Textise Options Page (choose font size, font colour, etc.) Are you a webmaster? Find out how to easily add Textise to your web site. Skip to main content Underpriced's offer is ending. Price jumps in 12 hours. Enroll before it's too late. The Power Moves Power dynamics, life strategies, and owning your life. Start Here Power Definitions Blog Social Power Dynamics Career Strategies Dating For Women Dating For Men Relationships Resources Speed Learning Power University Seduction University Forum Join In! The Modern 48 Laws of Power W/ Examples (Part 2) August 11, 2019 By Lucio Buffalmano This is the modern 48 Laws of Power. It’s the second installment of our “48 Laws of Power for modern Machiavellian” series. This series takes Greene’s work “The 48 Laws of Power” and revisits it with a more modern look and more contemporary examples. See here the first installment of the modernized 48 Laws of Power. [Image: modern 48 laws of power] Contents

Law #17: Be Friendly, But Hold Onto The Tools of Coercive Power Law #18: Build A Fortress – Then Pretend You Do It For The Peasants Law #19: Know Who You’re Dealing With – Not Everyone Deserves Your Time Law #20: Take Sides Strategically – Or Become The Referee Law #21: Play Dumb If You’re Smart, And Smart If You’re Dumb Law #23: Stick to Your Goals. Continuity of Effort Builds Empires Law #24: Learn Office Politics, But Never To The Detriment of Skills & Results Law #25: Find A Profitable Niche, Then Fabricate An Identity For Its Marketing Law #26: CYA Legally, Then Dirty Your Hands With Unethical But Profitable Deeds Law #27: Create A Cult Of Short Term Mood Fixes & Feel-Good Emptiness

Law #30: Make Your Accomplishment Inspirational – They Can Do It Too! SUMMARY

Law #17: Be Friendly, But Hold Onto The Tools of Coercive Power ✘ Law 17: Keep others in suspended terror: cultivate an air of unpredictability. ✔ Law 17: Manage through goodwill, But make sure you hold onto the tools of coercive power, too Law of Power #17. Explained The original law worked better with old power. When an absolute monarch decided for life or death with the direction of his thumb, an “air of unpredictability” could reduce his subjects to trembling Jell-O in his presence. In that sense, suspended terror worked to increase the monarch’s power in the immediate short term, silencing all possible dissent. In the long term though it was likely to make the monarch’s power shakier because that approach leads to poorer decision making and increases the risks of assassinations. In any case, making it work today is both difficult and even less effective. Unpredictability in today’s society is most likely to become “fickleness”, or pure “craziness”. And the same is true for government leaders. With a globalized world and international trade at historical highs, it’s easier for a consortium of states to impose debilitating sanctions on rogue players even without having to go to war. There is however still a place today for an “air of unpredictability”. Where? In street gangs. Having a reputation of a dogged, crazy fighter, will paradoxically lead to fewer fights. Indeed, since few people want to mess with madness, a vastly underrated self-defense technique is to scream like a possessed madman before a possible attack. But power built on unpredictability is often limited, even in the underworld. Why? Because people don’t usually want to be led by “unpredictable schizophrenics”. So, albeit there are exceptions, real power most often goes to more even-minded leaders. This is a movie scene, but Nicolas Cage correctly explains this concept. Also read: The realpolitik guide to management

Law of Power #17. Bad Example: Saddam Hussein & Trump Saddam Hussein kept his neighbors on suspended terror. But his wars pissed off the international community, leading to biting sanctions and, eventually, a military intervention that delivered Saddam a searing defeat (and later cost him his life). Keeping others in terror indeed does not work as well if you’re not very powerful to begin with. And if you are very powerful… Then you have better strategies at your disposal. [Image: saddam hussein execution] It’s also worth noting that Saddam’s “terrorizing approach” made for a rather paranoid and fearful leader. Saddam created an army reporting directly to him to defend against internal dissent. As a sign of his paranoia, he kept the tanks around Bagdad purposefully low in ammunition in case they were going to turn on him. The Personal Terror of Donald Trump Trump cannot be compared to Saddam, of course. But his erratic behavior could certainly fit the definition of “an air of unpredictability”, and several White House insiders testify that many fear for their jobs.

Trump’s fickleness is not helping him any, though. The “terror” that he might say or do something stupid does not support Trump’s leadership. And it does not help him to get things done with others and through others. Why? Because modern power in democracies as much as in business is enhanced by alliances and support, and it’s hard to form a strong web of allies while being unpredictable. Indeed, modern power that lasts is best served by a web of alliances and a certain smoothness and constancy of operations. Also read: Trump VS Rapinoe (how aggression creates its own enemies) Trump’s evidence that adversarial negotiations suck The Solution? Positive Collaboration Supported By Coercion Machiavelli famously said that being feared is better than being liked. The beautiful thing though is that the two are not opposites. And you can be both. This is how high-quality power, the type of power that lasts and grows, acts. Enlightened leadership prefers friendly relationships and always approaches with a smile. But it’s not naive friendliness: it’s friendliness backed by strength. At a very raw level, this is the stance: I come with a smile and a gift looking for collaboration because that’s best for both. But if you try to f*ck me up, then, well… I’m also carrying a gun. Even some of the most thriving underworld organizations adopt this approach. Think of The Godfather. Albeit it’s a movie, that’s exactly how the mafia became so entrenched and successful in Sicily: its terror was for the enemies only. The Godfather mostly sought to do business win-win and always sought to provide value, too. And that’s how Tom Hagen, the family’s lawyer, approached Waltz: Had Waltz played along, the transaction might have been win-win. It’s only when Waltz refuses that terror comes into play. Your friendly handshake on the table will go much further if you keep the revolver in the drawer Also read on “enlightened collaboration“: Psychopaths’ Sexual Strategy: Marauders of Sex

Law #18: Build A Fortress – Then Pretend You Do It For The Peasants ✘ Law 18: Do not build fortresses to protect yourself – isolation is dangerous. ✔ Law 18: Fortress your life by covering your downsides. And then enjoy life carefree Law of Power #18. Explained Robert Greene intends “fortress” more figuratively. Because, literally, castles and walled cities (mostly) worked, and they have been bastions of civilization for centuries. But let’s move to today. What do we intend today for a fortress? It could still be taken literally, like the bunkers that some wealthy people love to arm themselves with. Or we might consider fortress in a wider sense, including modern contracts such as: Prenuptial agreements Golden parachutes

No performance clauses These are all examples of a “fortress mentality”, in the sense of “preparing for the worst-case scenario”. Some authors also speak of healthy intimate relationships as an emotional power base with which to more confidently face the world -to which we might refer to as “emotional fortress”-. The 21st century version of a fortress is a great approach to acquire and keep power in life, and it’s exactly how powerful men think. Once you have a fortress to retreat to, figurative or not, you can more safely and more confidently live outside of it. With a prenup, for example, you can enjoy the relationship worries-free, and with golden parachutes you can work without fear of being sacked. And you can still keep great relationships with the non-fortress people by pretending you’re just like them. Which is what many politicians do: Law #18. Example: To Get Modern Fortresses, Pretend You Do It For The Peasants Look at how Hillary pitches her campaign: [Image: law of power 13 example] Some politicians want power for power’s sake. And some of them don’t even plan on supporting the middle class and the average citizens. Yet, if they want to swing for the presidential palaces -the modern fortresses- they need the citizens’ vote. And that’s when you’ll see them stepping out of their strongholds and mingling with the commoners, pretending to be just like them. Most commoners don’t see the game and feel blessed for being the recipients of such generosity. Look at this example of Obama pretending to be “just one of the guys”: Notice the boom mics placed around the place, including behind the counter (minute 1:06, 1:38). Do those suggest a truly “improvised pop-in by the president”, or more like an elaborate PR scheme to shore up political support?

To me, it feels more like the latter. But it worked. Look at the comments: [Image: reactions to obama persuasion] How much more gullible can a guy get? I’d have been super bummed if Obama disrupted my dinner just so he could play his “I’m just like you” game.

Law #19: Know Who You’re Dealing With – Not Everyone Deserves Your Time ✘ Law 19: Know who you’re dealing with- do not offend the wrong person. ✔ Law 19: Not everyone deserves your time. Make sure you know early on who does and who doesn’t Law of Power #19. Explained Offending the wrong person was much more dangerous in the ancient world, when power could decide for life or death on a whim. Granted, you still don’t want to offend the wrong person, with this iconic scene from the Godfather proving the point: But still, I find the mindset behind the original law to be rather limiting. The original law is motivated by fear and subordinates one’s goals to others. But real power players worry less about offending others than achieving their objectives. And second, the better and more powerful you get, the more you start thinking in terms of who deserves your time. My usual stance is: be kind to everyone, and find out early who they are. Why?

Because there is an element of exchange in life, and you want to know if people taking your time are also going to give something. Also read: The law of social exchange WIIFM Freeloaders and examples

Law #20: Take Sides Strategically – Or Become The Referee ✘ Law 20: Do not commit to anyone. ✔ Law 20: Study the situation, then make your strategic commitment. Alternatively, you position yourself as the mediator Robert Greene is right when he says this: Only fools jump in too early taking this or that side That’s the equivalent of betting on the black or red, and you lose a tremendous amount of power by giving your support away too early and too cheap. So yes, this law adapts well to modernity. But there is one step above the noncommittal game (second example). Law #20 Example: Italy As Realpolitiker (WWI) & Fool (WWII) As long as you remain outside of the fray, you are the big prize courted by all sides. And this is exactly what Italy got with its noncommittal game during WWI. The war saw Austra/Germany pitted against France/England, and Italy spoke and negotiated with both. Italy was picking sides based on convenience, best offer on the table and likelihood of victory. And it was happy to let everyone know about it, because that increased the offers on the table. Italy was using commitment as a bargaining chip. Compare it to Italy in the second world war, which jumped in right away based on ideology (nazi-fascism). And that proved disastrous. Go one level up: be the referee, not the player The next level of the noncommittal game is taking the referee or mediator role. Smart power players prefer taking the mediator role rather than taking sides and getting mired in the war. If you play your role well, you can become the referee of the contest, a role that everyone looks up to. The mediator does not fight himself, but by influencing the terms of negotiation and the rules of the game, it can defend its interests at no costs while increasing its political clout and soft power. The US played it several times after WWII as the world’s major superpower, and it’s indeed a role naturally suited for the strongest party. Smaller Players As Mediators Albeit not easy, smaller can sometimes be mediators, too. It takes smarts and a certain element of boldness, as you have to show up with the attitude of being a righteous moral authority (a hideous power move, BTW). Putin tried to play the mediator often. For example, he met the North Korean’s president when US-NK relations seemed to sour and he openly stated he wanted to broker the nuclear deal. And Benito Mussolini dramatically boosted his power and international political standing playing mediator between the more extremist Hitler and the democratic powers (see Munich Agreement). Also read: Negotiation power moves [Image: joseph stalin quote it's not the people who vote that count]

The mediator role is a “soft” version of the vote counter. Exception: Picking side without anyone else knowing it Of course, there are almost always exceptions. And if you can pick side without anyone else knowing it, than you got nothing to lose. If that side wins, you got a powerful ally. If it loses, nobody knew what you did. See it in action:

Law #21: Play Dumb If You’re Smart, And Smart If You’re Dumb ✘ Law 21: Play a sucker to catch a sucker- seem dumber than your mark. ✔ Law 21: Discover people’s true intentions by posing as a victim. Make your enemies feel safer by looking weaker, then attack Law of Power #21. Explained This one of my favorite laws. And in a world of braggarts and alpha male posturers, it’s way underrated. One of my favorite ways of using this law is to test people. How do you do it? You make yourself look clueless on purpose and then observe their behavior. If they help and explain, it might mean you’re dealing with principled individuals. If they try to take advantage of it, you know you must enter into your “Machiaveli mode” (article on “Machiavelli mode” to follow). The Caveat of Law of Power #21: Always Invert Play/Reality Here is a caveat. You want to look dumber strategically and only when in reality you’re smart and ready to profit from your opponent’s aggression. Because looking dumb will invite aggression, and if you’re actually dumb and unprepared, then… You see the problem. On the other hand, when you’re dumb and defenseless, playing strong and smart might the best option and might fend off an attacker looking for easy victims. Example of Strategic Strength Play: The Nonexistent Lawyer The last time I got fired I told my employer I needed more time to get back to them because my lawyer was off for two days. But I didn’t actually have a lawyer. I played that game to increase the chances that my employer wouldn’t try to screw me over (ie.: being weak but strategically posing as stronger). Law of Power #21 Example: Women Playing Damsel in Distress This is a common game womne play. It consists of playing dumb and weak to make him act, care and take care. Does it work? Yeah, with most men it works very well. Also read: How women control men and relationships But if you’re a man, don’t despair, men can use this technique as well. People love to feel strong. Position yourself like the emotional validator of their strengths/skills, and you can recruit them to do your work.

Law #23: Stick to Your Goals. Continuity of Effort Builds Empires ✘ Law 23: Concentrate your forces. ✔ Law 23: Find something you love and stick with it over the long run. Mastery translates well into money and power Law of Power #23 Explained The law of power #23 applies to modernity very well. As a matter of fact, with today’s endless distractions and whole industries built on time-wasting, it might apply to the 21st century more than ever. Also read: Deep Work Grit Values-based business

Law #24: Learn Office Politics, But Never To The Detriment of Skills & Results ✘ Law 24: Play the perfect courtier ✔ Law 24: Develop your emotional intelligence and social skills, they are fundamental to your life’s quality. But never forget hard skills and results. Law of Power #24. Explanation This law only applies to modernity at 50%. In the old courts, politics might have been 95% of power. Back then metrics and KPIs were poor or non-existent and it was all about who the king favored and who influenced the king the most. Today the “perfect courier” who only plays politics fails far more times than he succeeds (some high-functioning sociopaths can sometimes be the exceptions, there is one example in Social Power). Most power players today marry politics with results and skills, and you should aim at doing the same.

Law #25: Find A Profitable Niche, Then Fabricate An Identity For Its Marketing ✘ Law 25: Re-create yourself. ✔ Law 26: Find something that sells, and then create an identity around your product. If you’re a public persona, best to stick with one identity Law of Power #25 Explained Recreating yourself worked better in the past, when people couldn’t keep track of your changes. You could move to a new city, and you would start from scratch. Even as a famous person or as a con artist. But today, whatever you were or did is readily available with an Internet search. And the more success you get, the more people will scrutinize your past, making the re-creation all the more dangerous. Indeed, few people today achieve power and success with endless recreations. The most successful Machiavellians of the 21st century do the opposite: they first find something that sells, and then attach an identity to it. This is a shortcut to actual mastery, but in the digital world identities and authority can be faked. Law of Power #25 Example: Jon Gray of “Men Are From Mars”

Jon Gray penned “Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus“. That’s the most popular book ever in the relationship genre. Quite striking, if you consider that Gray lacked any meaningful background on the topic. But John Gray quickly worked to change that. He doubled down on relationships and acquired the references. “Acquired” here might be quite literal, here, with Gray’s master degree shrouded in mystery and his Ph.D. awarded on correspondence from a non-accredited and now-defunct institution. Gray also joined the American Counseling Association and the International Association of Marriage and Family Counselors, and later founded his own relationship institute where he took the important-sounding title of “president”. Where am I going with this? If John Gray had kept moving and “recreating” himself, he would have lost all authority on relationships and, with his authority, lost his lucrative royalties and speaking engagements. [Image: how to fabricate an identity] Note: This is no bashing of John Gray. The guy understands genders better than most academics. Much of Gray’s criticism is driven by the nonsensical notion that genders & people are born mostly the same (also see “The Blank Slate“). Gray is not the exception, but the rule of how many coaches, self-help gurus and marketers operate. Have you noticed how almost any entrepreneur with products linked to his expertise seems to have such a compelling, inspiring story on how they started doing what they’re doing? They struggled with this or that, fought without reprieve, learned and improved… Until they finally achieved their dreams. And now… Now they want to sell you their product to do the same. Of course, sometimes those stories are true. But the vast majority of times those stories are “romanticized”, and many other times the identities are custom-made from scratch. They are sales pitches, and the sellers’ identities are part of the marketing. Also read: Tai Lopez Manipulation Techniques Chandler and his convenient “friend’s death” in “Published”

Law #26: CYA Legally, Then Dirty Your Hands With Unethical But Profitable Deeds ✘ Law 26: Keep your hands clean. ✔ Law 26: Keep your hands clean of small-time offenses, dirty them for good once you’re ready for the once in a lifetime hit Law of Power #26. Explained There are plenty of people who keep their hands clean all their life. They make it such a big deal of respecting the law, acting morally and never saying anything out of place. In truth, many of these proud “law-abiding citizens” go to swell the rank and files of average people. And this is exactly what “The Goodfellas” intro describes. But this is not how many powerful men operate. While many good citizens care about being prosocial and keeping a prosocial image, many type-a personalities care more about power and social climbing than about what you think. Their worry is not “staying clean”, their worry is not getting caught once their hands get dirty. Law of Power #26 Example: Jho Low Stained His Hands & Happily Disappeared Your reputation only matters if you stain your hands under your real name, if people find out or… If you stick around. Jho Low, POS that he is, stained his hands big time. Eventually, everyone knew about it, but he did it well and before police could catch up, he was gone.

He is “believed” to be in China. But wherever he is, he is enjoying a lavish lifestyle financed by billions he stole from the people he was supposed to serve. Unluckily, the truth is that we live in a world were staining your hands with a well-concocted plan works. [Image: law of power 26 jho low] Legal Hands-Staining Alternatively, you can simply take care that you stain your hands legally. If people won’t be able to recoup the fruits of your unethical deeds, then you can dirty your hands as unethically as you please. And this is how the real power players do it. They hide money in fiscal paradises, they lobby politicians, and they leverage loopholes. You’ll never find out and, if you do, nobody will be able to do a thing about it. One example? The Clinton Foundation, legally providing the Clintons with the immense type of power and leverage that only billions of dollars can.

Law #27: Create A Cult Of Short Term Mood Fixes & Feel-Good Emptiness ✘ Law 27: Play on people’s need to believe to create a cult-like following. ✔ Law 27: The appeal of real solutions which require hard work is limited. The mass appeal is in the quick fix and in the “feel good” industry Law of Power #27 Explained This one depends on how you define “cult”. In the strict sense of the term, creating a cult-like following was easier in ancient times. People were more gullible before science and mass-education. Sure, it’s still doable today and there are plenty of modern hard-core cults. But if you aim at being a high-quality individual, you’d have to wonder today: who is going to follow a cult? And if you are reading here, you probably will realize that cult-followers are not the type of people you want to spend most of your time with. Law of Power #27 Example: The Self-Help Cult of Inspiration (Jay Shetty) If we go for a “softer” definition of a cult, then you’re in luck. There is an endless supply of people ready and willing to idolize the latest charismatic, deep-sounding guru teaching them how to think and how to live their lives. As a matter of fact, our digital world is the best era in history for self-help gurus to gather a following as they can leverage digital virality. For those who choose this path to power and influence, there is no need to worry about checking facts and actually helping people over the long term. The best cults indeed don’t change people for good: they deliver short-term fixes that keep them back for more of the same “spin your wheels” inspiration. Try to listen to self-styled “urban monk” Jay Jetty speaking: He says: “The paradox of our times is that we have more degrees but less sense. More knowledge but less judgment. More experts but less solutions. Tried to clean up the air but polluted our soul That’s, my friends, is emptiness made into time-wasting motivation. And other self-help gurus are only marginally better. Take Brendon Burchard, whose books are a mumble jumbo of repackaged self-help but who can call himself a “New York Time bestseller” thanks to his cult-like followers.

And some of these self-help gurus are not just time-wasters but actually harmful (see my review of Marie Forleo). Also read: Self-help myths Pop-psychology myths

Law #30: Make Your Accomplishment Inspirational – They Can Do It Too! ✘ Law 30: Make your accomplishments seem effortless. ✔ Law 30: Position your accomplishments as the final fruits of a mighty struggle and adverse fate, which you only conquered thanks to relentless drive, motivation and hard work Law of Power #30 Explained The original law does not reflect modernity too well. Of course, people still love and respect talent. Everyone unconsciously envies and respects “good genes”. And that’s part of the issue with it. Some people will be looking for ways to discount and discredit success from talent. “Oh, yeah, he was born good-looking”, they’ll say. Or “he won because he’s bigger”. But as a hard-working underdog you are tougher to discredit. And, most of all, you send a much more appealing message: that if you made it, so can anyone else. It today’s cultural climate, if you want to be admired and revered across the board, you need to drop the natural talent angle. You’re better instead to position yourself like you’ve fought insurmountable odds with endless dedication, grit, and power of perseverance. And then end your spiel with a wink to the audience: they can do it too. Law of Power #30 Example: Gary Vee & Hustle Porn Almost every successful influencer today talks about struggle, hustle and hard work. A mention to Gary Vee, the king of “no talent, all hard work” is mandatory here: [Image: law of power 30] Please note this is NO bashing of hard work, which is often a precondition. But the same is true for Tom Bylieu, Tony Robbins and most everyone else. Heck, even Will Smith had to toe the “hustle porn” line when he wanted to broaden his appeal beyond simple “Holywood celeb status”. One of his most famous quotes runs: And where I excel is ridiculous, sickening, work ethic. You know, while the other guy’s sleeping? I’m working. Sure one might wonder mr. Smith must also sleep at times? So, yes, in this day and age, when you talk about money and success, you are better off bragging about work ethics than pretending it was all talent. Note: This is NO bashing of hard work, which is often a precondition and which can also be very fulfilling (see my monk mode for the past 2 years). SUMMARY This is the second installment of the modern 48 Laws of Power. I skipped a couple of laws as they were either valid and didn’t need any amendment, or they didn’t add enough value to make it in here. Here is the first volume of updated Laws of Power with laws 1 to 16.

Here is the third and last installment Note: This article, as much as this website, is not an invitation to act amorally. This is a dispassionate description of power dynamics and how some power-seeking individuals operate. There are otherwise plenty of ways to acquire power ethically and that’s what I invite readers to seek. Related

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31 1 1 Filed Under: Power Dynamics, Social Power Theory Tagged With: 48 laws of power examples, 48 laws of power modern examples, modern 48 laws of power, the modern 48 laws of power Hey! Snag This Book (+1 more) FREE With This Audible Offer [Image: lucio founder of the power moves] About the Author: Lucio Buffalmano Lucio is a social scientist, member of APA and a perpetual researcher of human nature.

He teaches power dynamics because he believes that to be good, you first need to learn how to be bad. ThePowerMoves.com is where this new breed of leaders come to train. Power University About Contact T&Cs Privacy Refund Policy Copyright The Power Moves© 2020 · Log in

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Join In! How to Help People Out of Awkward Social Situations: A Guide December 25, 2017 By Lucio Buffalmano We’ve all been in awkward social situations. Wouldn’t it have been nice in those situations to have someone to help us and support us? This article explains how to do just that: helping friends out of awkward social situations (and save people’s face). Contents Rescuing People From Awkward Social Situations #1. Let Them In #2. When Ignored, Show Interest #3. Hurtle Away From Awkward Situations #4. Put Your Social Weight On Their Side #5. Undermine Their Attacker #6. Support Them By Relating With Them #7. Throw an Emotional Life Preserver Social Support: The Top Socialite Way Smoothly & Subtly Cordially & Quickly The Social Rescue Equation Summary Rescuing People From Awkward Social Situations These are some of the most common socially awkward situations and how you fix them: #1. Let Them In When They’re Standing Outside, You Open The Door Standing at the edge of a group is a typical awkward social situation for many. The longer someone stays in the periphery of the group, the stronger the message they are not welcome is broadcasted. And you don’t want that to happen to your friends. What you then do is this: 1. Take a step back 2. Put your arm on your friend’s back inviting him to step in 3. Step back in together with your friend 4. Introduce him or mention him in what you say next

Being ostracized and left outside in the cold is a great fear of human beings. Rest assured that people will remember and cherish those very few who notice and open the social doors for them. [Image: standing outside a group: awkward social situation] #2. When Ignored, Show Interest It happens relatively often that someone is telling a story, but the people around start ignoring him. What to do then? Here’s an example: [Image: helping friends in socially awkward situations] I got a question A few weeks ago a friend of mine, let’s call him Terry, was telling a story to a group of 4 guys, all knowing each other, and 2 new girls. Terry was looking at the two girls as he spoke, but they suddenly turned to each other and started talking to themselves. Now the story might not have been the most captivating ever, but that was very socially oblivious and rather rude of them. Terry looked shunned and was losing big social points. The quickest and easiest way to rescue anyone in Terry’s situation then, is to jump in and make a wrap-up question (read below why wrap up). This will allow Terry to finish his story, show everyone that he’s not isolated and comfort him that there people who care. It looks like this: Friend: I tried La Casa pizza parlor last week, and it was superb. (nobody listens, tries with a question) Have you guys ever tried La Casa Group: (Looking away, starting side conversation) You: Oh cool man, I’ve heard about that place a few times, how was it Also read: Mastering group conversations #3. Hurtle Away From Awkward Situations The Shorter The Time, The Less The Embarrassment

A very common way of helping your friends out of awkward situations is to move away from them as quickly as possible. You can pretend it never happened, change the topic or keep going. Leil Lowndes calls it “see no bloopers, hear no bloopers”. It’s a very easy and simple method that doesn’t require much effort, so in the very worst case scenario, you can always come back to it. It works well… A lot of times. Exception: When The Blooper is Too Obvious But you cannot use it when the offenseor blooper was too obvious to ignore. You can see an example here: What do you think about this example? I guess you probably noticed the intrinsic weakness of this technique. The issue with it is that it lessens the consequences, but it does not address the core issue and doesn’t really fool anyone. Everyone knows what happened. #4. Put Your Social Weight On Their Side And Openly Take Your Friend’s Side Most people who put our friends in awkward situations do so with opinions or with out of place questions. Imagine they take one side of the scale. But if you can put your own judgment on the other side of the scale and you have more weight, you win. Let’s review the same Sex & The City example: Antony: Mother of God, what’s with the gut. Well she’s eating something out there You: Not true at all. I’m just bummed she’s my friend. I hate having hot friends and not being able to make a move, or I’d be all over that (smile) Welcome in baby! (Open arms for a warm welcome) This works particularly well if your opinion is highly regarded in the topic and the attacker’s opinion not so much. In this case, for example, it works great if you’re a guy with a good taste, or rumored to sleep around. Then your opinion on the topic matters. And his opinion as a guy naturally not interested in women matters much less.

[Image: using your social weight] #5. Undermine Their Attacker No Social Weight, No Harm Done Opinions and questions that put our friends on the spot often look powerful because, the moment we set ourselves as judges, we become judges, and acquire huge social power. If you, on the other hand, can highlight that it was simply an opinion -and a silly one at that-, you take away power from the judge. And you relieve the social pressure.

You do so by questioning the attacker on their motives, or undermining their authority. A great way to do is using humor, so that people will laugh. A humorous moment also decreases tensions and helps to move on more quickly. And, of course, you won’t look butthurt. Antony: Mother of God, what’s with the gut. Well she’s eating something out there You: (rolls eyes, speaking as if you don’t wanna be heard, but loud enough that everyone hears) says the guy highly experienced in women. We’ll ask him when we need an opinion on di**s. In the meanwhile, come on in Samantha, you look spectacular (hugs her and welcomes her in) Notice also this is the same technique Jesus Christ used to save an adulterous woman from being stoned (talking about awkward social moments lol). It’s when he said: Let him who is without sin cast the first stone With one simple sentence, Jesus put the attackers on the same level as the victim: everyone’s a sinner. Once everyone was on the same level, he robbed the attackers of their ability to pass judgments. And relieved the pressure on the victim. #6. Support Them By Relating With Them No Worries, Everybody Poops Of course, some of the most typical awkward moments involve body functions at the wrong time. Ideally, your friend will own it without making a big deal about it, but this post is about how we can help our friends, not how to control their minds. So a good technique to relieve pressure is to laugh at it… Naturally.

You want to avoid anyone thinks it’s weird, and you to do so you gotta believe it first. It’s a natural, healthy body function. Your friend might still feel singled out though. “Yeah sure, it’s a healthy body function, but it was me who did it and you’re all laughing about what I did”, they might think.

That’s when you relate a short personal story of when you were also embarrassed. Make others laugh at yourself so you take pressure off of your friend and get your own share of laughter. Then you can keep talking about other people embarrassing stories or move on the conversation to something more relevant. And this the wrong way to do it (from a silly video of top 10 farts, a typical socially challenging situation): https://youtu.be/QdRTa0iK8zs?t=51 The host perks up, all surprised as if to say “oh my God, what have you just done”. That’s the opposite of helping our friends out of socially awkward situations. Even worst, he looks around, which is a typical way of showing emotional disconnect. People who laugh at other people’s expenses start by looking around. They’re looking for others to support them and “gang up with” (see more examples in the Social Power course). All of which of course puts further pressure on the woman (and are rather low-quality behavior) #7. Throw an Emotional Life Preserver Problems Are Twice As Small With a Partner The emotional life preserver is one of my favorites because there are no dangers of escalation, no losers and it actually strengthens the bond between the group. Look at the example of Meet The Parents, a fantastic comedy based on awkward social situations and people more or less dealing badly with them: Why is it so awkward? For a few reasons, a big one being that nobody really takes Greg’s side or helps smoothen the transition. Ideally, the person who will help us is either the most powerful or the one closest to us. In this case, imagine if this had happened: Doctor: oh really what field Greg: nursing Doctor: ahahaha. no really, what field Greg: nursing Greg’s GF: (gets up, goes to Greg, kisses him on the cheek) Greg is one of the very best nurses in his hospital. He aced the MCATs but decided to be

a nurse to stay closer to the patients and follow his heart. And that’s why I love him (takes a chair, invites him to sit, changes topic). Greg, you absolutely have to try this jam, it’s from our aunt’s farm, Michelle (points to Michelle) and it’s deeeliiicious. Greg also loves natural products auntie. Social Support: The Top Socialite Way The top socialite save their friends from awkward situations in two socially savvy ways: Smoothly & Subtly Your Friend is Not a Lost Puppet Subtlety is the name of the game. Your goal is always to land a hand in the most subtle way possible. And draw the least possible attention to your social rescue move. Why? Because the more obvious your rescue is, the more attention you draw to the social faux pas and the more you are communicating that your friend made a mistake. And, of course, more attention to the fact that your friends need your help. People resent those who help them too obviously, because that’s not real help. That’s us showing off our social power. Do it subtly instead. Help them save face, but making it seem as if nothing happened.

Cordially & Quickly Save The One Without Destroying The Whole Ray Dalio says that the whole is more important than the individual person. If your friend puts himself in awkward social situations, it’s often because he’s made a social faux pas. And he is being “socially punished” for that. If you save him too obviously, that also means that you going against the group. And you don’t want to antagonize the whole group. You will notice in the Terry example that the friend helping him asks “how was it”. He didn’t ask “I’m super curious, tell me all about it”. Or “oh cool man, do you like Italian food”. These kinds of questions build up the victim too much, while encouraging them to ramble on.

Terry has made a mistake and the group has already spoken about that. And albeit he might have not deserved a harsh punishment, you don’t want to keep going against the group. “How was it” instead is a neutral question that does not build him up, and which invites a quicker reply, such as “oh it was really good”. Terry saved faced, the topic is closed… And now we can all happily move on. The Social Rescue Equation To generalize, you rescue people in social situations in two ways: 1. Putting your social weight behind them 2. Neutralizing the social threat causing embarrassment Notice that it doesn’t really matter what the “social threat” causing the awkward situation is. It can be another person -as in Antony’s case-, a blooper caused by the person himself -passing gas- or anything else in the surrounding. But the principle is still always the same. Example: Blaming the Circumstances Your friend might be embarrassed because they “walked through” a glass door and hit their face. The situation is embarrassing because, the mind goes, it’s silly not to see it was a door. But is it really silly? You can still single out the door as the “embarrassing agent” and take power away from it to rescue your friend. You can say for example that it’s idiotic to use such perfectly transparent glass as a door. “I would have hit it myself”, you can add. Now it’s less about your friend being awkward and more about the safety issue of a transparent door. Summary Saving our friends from awkward social situations is about showing we are close to them and then helping them up. And, when applicable, by taking pressure off of them and shifting blame to the embarrassing agent. Always do it as smoothly and quickly and possible. And everyone will love you for that.

For more serious social ju-jitsu also read: Defending people from social assault Related

Filed Under: Social Power Moves, Social Skills Tagged With: help friend out of awkward situations, Helping people out of awkward social situations, social ju-jitsu, social judo [Image: lucio founder of the power moves] About the Author: Lucio Buffalmano Lucio is a social scientist, member of APA and a perpetual researcher of human nature. He teaches power dynamics because he believes that to be good, you first need to learn how to be bad. ThePowerMoves.com is where this new breed of leaders come to train. Power University About Contact T&Cs Privacy Refund Policy Copyright The Power Moves© 2020 · Log in

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You've been randomly selected to try out the new Textise Preview version. Opt in to use this every time. The Preview version features faster loading times and other upcoming improvements. During this extremely difficult time, we at Textise urge everyone to stay safe and adhere to your government's regulations concerning the pandemic. You can get the latest information about the Novel Coronavirus at the World Health Organisation (WHO) site (text-only view). This page has been Textised with the Preview version! The original page address was https://thepowermoves.com/dominant-bodylanguage/ For sharing use ... Here are some options: Back to original page (in this window | in a new window) Convert this page to a PDF Print this page Textise Home Page (full version | text only version) Textise Options Page (choose font size, font colour, etc.) Are you a webmaster? Find out how to easily add Textise to your web site. Skip to main content Underpriced's offer is ending. Price jumps in 24 hours. Enroll before it's too late. The Power Moves Power dynamics, life strategies, and owning your life. Start Here Power Definitions Blog Social Power Dynamics Career Strategies Dating For Women Dating For Men Relationships Resources Speed Learning Power University Seduction University Forum

Join In! Example of Dominant Body Language (Pictures) July 18, 2017 By Lucio Buffalmano For a full overview of dominant body language check out: How dominant men speak How dominant men move Alpha male body language This article is about a specific gesture, which I call the “ear cup, and it’s a specific example of dominant body language. Without even touching anyone or saying a single word, it compels people to take action for you (and jump through your hoops). But don’t worry: by the end of this article you will know how to respond when people try to use this body language of domination against you. Contents The Story The Less You Move, The More Dominant You Are When The Ear-Cup is Friendly Summary

The Story I had just finished the most important elevator pitch of my life. My audience were the top conference speakers, the movers and shakers of the industry. To a startup sales guy, it’s dream scenario: get in, make friends and pitch the heavy hitters as an equal. Or so I thought.

The pitch was done. I ask my key question: Me: Could that be interesting for you? And then I drop the mic. The heavy hitters say nothing. I say nothing. [Image: duel cartoon] Make your move

And then it comes. “GTFO of Mount Olympus you mere mortal, you’re too beneath us” he says. He doesn’t actually say it of course, but worse. He slowly raises his hand instead, turns his face, grimaces a bit, and taps his ear. [Image: ear cupping: an example of dominant body language] Boom! He had just used against me one of the most dominant body language move out there: the ear-cup. The Less You Move, The More Dominant You Are Social interactions have this tendency: the most powerful people make other people move, with less. Think about, what’s the most powerful sign of power? It’s the “pollice verso”, the idea that an ancient emperor decided upon life and death with a mere hand gesture. Luckily we don’t face similar scenarios often, but the concept is the same: the bigger the difference between the dominant gesture and your reaction, the bigger the social status difference. And that’s why the “Repeat Please” Ear Cup is such a dominant body language gesture: he puts a finger on his ear (low effort nonverbal), you repeat your whole spiel (high effort). Here’s a gangster movie example. Paulie’s status as the big boss is conveyed (a bit theatrically) by the fact he doesn’t move and doesn’t talk. And who’s the one moving the most? The kid, the dead last in the social ladder. And now let’s get to the juicy part: how you react. #1. Submit… At your own volition Again on Paulie’s intro, have you noticed how one of the top guys responds to Paulie?

He doesn’t flash a quick grin, he doesn’t nod a hundred times. He waits a second. And then he nods, slowly, thus mimicking Paulie himself. Paulie is the big boss of course, but he’s no fifth wheel either. This is a great way to submit at your own pace in all situations where you’re not well served by throwing down the gauntlet -as in the conference opening story for example-. So you take a second, as if to stress you’re not rushing to obey anyone’s order.

Then you smile a bit, as in saying “I know what you just did there” and slightly touch his arm. The touch, as a dominant behavior, mitigates your actions. You say “sorry” slowly (very high rate of speech = low confidence) and neutrally (there’s a relation between pitch and perceived confidence). And then you repeat. Shortly. And this time clearly ?. #2. Hit Back A good option is to reply something like: You: Yeah, it’s a a bit of complex topic, I know. What you’re doing here is implying that it’s not you who wasn’t clear, but that he didn’t get it. Touch his arm as you speak, lower your gaze for a moment and smile, your expression saying “sorry, I overestimated you but you’re actually a bit slow“. And then look mostly at the rest of the group as you re-state: you are not following his lead, just using the opportunity to speak again. #3: Recruit Friends Don’t bat alone when you got a pal. You pause for a bit, then turn around to someone you’re closer to in the group and ask: You: Did you get an idea of what I mean? If you phrase it that way and ask a friend, you’ll likely get a yes. And you’ll probably also get a summary of what you just said. You confirm of course, and keep building on that. Very leading move: you call into action someone, have him chime in following your lead and resume talking -and speaking time has direct correlation to dominance-.

You take lead, the Ear Cupping Power Mover takes the group’s [email protected]ß role. #4: Ignore and forge ahead And, of course, an evergreen, the 36th law of power: you ignore. You almost always win when someone wants to get a rise out of you and you deftly ignore and move along. You can either do nothing and wait for someone to jump in, or better still, take the lead: turn to someone else in the group and move the conversation along either pretending they got it, or changing conversation (and don’t worry if nobody got your point, you can repeat to someone else, the key is you don’t submit to the nonverbal Ear Cupping).

The Power Mover is left in the dust, his gesture completely spurned, while the group moved to a new topic under your leadership. Wanna see an example? Look at Mayweather ignoring Conor McGregor (not too good) ear cupping move. Note Mayweather could have done even better by smiling a bit: too stiff looks fake and would look much worse in a more natural setting (also note McGregor takes the final social win by turning first, getting the crowd cheering and Mayweather following suit, in a clear display of leader/follower scenario). When The Ear-Cup is Friendly Just as a note, the Ear Cupping gesture isn’t always an unfriendly body language gesture. Like most body language it can also be used to convey warmth, depending on the delivery. You will easily recognize warmth because he/she will: Lean toward you Accompany the gesture with words Possibly lightly touch you to convey closeness Maybe add a smile For your benefit, here’s a video example of a friendly non dominant Ear Cupping.

Summary The “repeat please” Ear Cupping gesture is a very dominant body language expression, that’s why you’ll often see cops using it. It’s not a good sign when someone does it to you: it means the Power Mover feels so superior that he can issue nonverbal commands and have you comply. As always, your goal is to find the most socially shrewd way to not submit and, possibly, hit back in style. So you: Imply the Power Mover is a bit slow Recruit someone else to isolate the Power Mover Ignore, forge ahead and change topic leaving the Power Mover in his dust So long, onwards and upwards :), Lucio [Image: please repeat: a dominant body language gesture] What? You like this website? Then please share it!

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Filed Under: Body Language, Social Power Moves Tagged With: dominant body language, dominant body language example, dominant nonverbal body language, ear cupping, nonverbal dominance, nonverbal dominance signs [Image: lucio founder of the power moves] About the Author: Lucio Buffalmano Lucio is a social scientist, member of APA and a perpetual researcher of human nature. He teaches power dynamics because he believes that to be good, you first need to learn how to be bad. ThePowerMoves.com is where this new breed of leaders come to train. Power University About Contact T&Cs Privacy Refund Policy Copyright The Power Moves© 2020 · Log in

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You've been randomly selected to try out the new Textise Preview version. Opt in to use this every time. The Preview version features faster loading times and other upcoming improvements. During this extremely difficult time, we at Textise urge everyone to stay safe and adhere to your government's regulations concerning the pandemic. You can get the latest information about the Novel Coronavirus at the World Health Organisation (WHO) site (text-only view). This page has been Textised with the Preview version! The original page address was https://thepowermoves.com/alpha-male-handshakeeye-opening-tactics/ For sharing use ... Here are some options: Back to original page (in this window | in a new window) Convert this page to a PDF Print this page Textise Home Page (full version | text only version) Textise Options Page (choose font size, font colour, etc.) Are you a webmaster? Find out how to easily add Textise to your web site. Skip to main content Underpriced's offer is ending. Price jumps in 24 hours. Enroll before it's too late. The Power Moves Power dynamics, life strategies, and owning your life. Start Here Power Definitions Blog Social Power Dynamics Career Strategies Dating For Women Dating For Men Relationships Resources Speed Learning Power University Seduction University Forum

Join In! The Alpha Male Handshake: Eye-opening Defense Tactics May 27, 2017 By Lucio Buffalmano The Alpha Male Handshake is a power move that seeks to assert dominance upon first meeting someone. This post will show you the different types of alpha males handshakes, and what you can do when someone is trying to overpower you. [Image: trump alpha male handshaking macron] Contents AMOG Handshake Alpha Male Handshake at social gatherings #1 One up him socially #2: Call out the Power Move #3: Meta him The Alpha Male Handshake in the club #1 Body language & Prevention #2: Let it be #3: Attack The Alpha Male handshake in politics Alpha Male Handshake contest #1 Trudeau VS Trump Alpha Male Handshake contest #2 Rahmon VS Trump Alpha Male Handshake Contest #3 Macron VS Trump Matching = Winning Summary AMOG Handshake “Alpha Male Handshake” refers to someone purposefully crushing your hand and / or yanking your arm. It is one of the bluntest Power Moves out there: very basic and purely physical. In the past, the early pick-up artists used to refer to these men as “AMOG”, such as “alpha males of the group” (also read “The Game” and “The Mystery Method“). Courtesy of Donald Trump, it has recently gone mainstream also into politics and has one of the most infamous Power Moves. You will mostly see it from aggressive and socially uncalibrated individuals. Aggressiveness can be a front for a weak ego in need of validation , and uncalibrated because the rule of thumb is that the most socially savvy a person is, the more subtle the moves become (just think: would a top class socialite like George Clooney do that?)

People are more likely to give you an Alpha Male Handshake when: You’re physically smaller and/or he feels physically stronger He feels socially powerful and/or “at home” There’s an audience and you make a good rug for his social climbing He “needs” to get territorial (you’re a threat to group dominance, connected to testosterone) They see you as a threat but believe they can dominate you And notice that being on the receiving end of an Alpha Male Handshake can often mean you’re a rather a cool cat. It’s because there’s nothing to gain in belittling individuals with zero social status. But at the same time, the Alpha Male Handshaker doesn’t think you pose a major opposition or he’d think twice before alpha-ing you. In either case, he wants to assert dominance over you. And if you let him, he will. But I guess you’re not quite cool with that ;). Ideally, you will see it coming in advance and prepare (see below), but let’s start with when you’re taken off guard. Alpha Male Handshake at social gatherings#1 One up him socially [Image: Body language jiu jitsu] It was 3 people including me in a semi-circle when the 4th guy, let’s call him Smug, joined. Smug is buddy buddy with the organizer and a friend of the guy to my right. With brisk pace, sunglasses on albeit the sun was long gone, Smug barges in interrupting us all. He was bigger and taller than all of us -albeit that’s no major feat when it comes to me :)- and introduces himself with a bone-crushing handshake. He doesn’t catch my name and now comes the full Alpha Male Handshake: he yanks me in and tells me to repeat my name (what Allan Pease calls “socket wrencher” in The Definitive Book of Body Language). I restate my name –a slight mistake from my side– as I dig in and try to pull him as well, but I’m not very successful. The exuberantly happy atmosphere we had before he joined makes perfect ground for my counter-move, which comes as soon as we break the handshake. The counterattack delivery [Image: Gorilla alpha male]

Oops I didn’t see that coming With perfectly erect and open posture (posture is correlated to power) I look straight at what ought to be his eyes beyond the shades and say confidently and loudly: Me: “Hey man, I hope you don’t wanna take me home or something” And I begin to laugh as a queue for everyone to join in, which they did (they’ll always do if you have a good standing in the group). The joke at his expense is a socially shrewd way of saying: I didn’t like your move, you don’t get away with it, and I’m making it clear for you (and everyone else) to know.

Having the group laughing is important because: 1. Everyone laughs at him and on your side, and 2. Makes it difficult for him to retort in a serious tone without breaking mood The joke worked exceptionally well as it also implied homosexuality on his part -and me spurning the advance-. Very powerful. Indeed as we all laugh he replies meekly and deflated:

Him: “No I just wanted to hear your name” Note: “just” is a defensive word, and “wanted to hear your name” is quite a friendly overture. What a sudden change from the boisterous dickhead of just a few seconds earlier :).

THE GREATEST PUNCH you NEVER THREW If you executed the move well, you’ve been a tremendous class act. Now be magnanimous in victory. [Image: James Bond class act] High-quality people add value to their group and going on the offensive would not only make an unnecessary enemy but also bring down everyone’s mood. Treat him neutrally, and if he offers an olive branch later on, which is likely, go on and accept it. All went well for our hero here. But what if you can’t think of a witty retort on the fly? #2: Call out the Power Move

If you can’t master a pungent retort, then get serious and call him out on his behavior.

It needs some confidence because you will, for a while, break the mood and raise tension. Don’t pull punches though because he went physical, so you going strong on the verbal level is a must. Speak slowly and calmly, very matter of factly and say something like: You: “hey man, you just yanked my arm like you wanted to harm me or something, (I feel) that’s very aggressive and unfriendly” [Image: hide meme photo] If he apologizes and backtracks accept the apology and go back to neutral. But it’s possible that he will hide pretending he was joking, or plainly deny. Very typical of snipers (and typical of Trump :). But you go on until he admits and repents, or else you let him walk all over you on the physical and verbal level. Force the bully into light Address his excuse briefly and push forward, like this: You: hey man, you yanked my arm like you wanted to harm me or something, that’s very aggressive” Him: “dude, are you serious, I didn’t hear your name (what’s wrong with you)” You:”I know you didn’t hear my name, and it still felt very aggressive, did you really mean it like that or not” or Him: “I’m just joking man, it’s a party, we’re having fun” You: “I know you’re joking and it’s really funny, but that was aggressive, did you mean it like that or not” Note: By asking “did you, yes or no”, you help him save face and make it easy for him to say “no I didn’t mean it like that”. At this point it’s possible people in the group will intervene. It’s a good thing but do NOT address them, you want his apologies, not a group talkshow. Keep insisting a couple of times until he backtracks. Once he does, add: “cool man, glad to hear” and propose a quick toast so you end the interaction with a leading move. And if he keeps denying? This is the time to Meta-frame. #3: Meta him

Meta-framing is a technique in which you explain, in lay terms, what’s happening on the harder to grasp socio-dynamics layer. A full meta-frame in this scenario would be something like this: [Image: finger pointing photo] “I’ll tell you what you just did. You came in guns blazing interrupting us all. What you were doing was trying to assert your social standing as the alpha male of the group in a very juvenile fashion. I’m not a fan of that behavior, but whatever. Where I do draw the line though is when you disrespect people, and you have just done that by yanking my arm. I have given you the chance to apologize and start afresh on friendly terms but you keep hiding even though everyone here noticed your behavior. You don’t want to excuse yourself, bad on you, but don’t do that shit again with me. Note: Refer to the group as if they all stand with you. You want them to mentally nod you as you depict us VS him scenario. Since it’s quite long and people’s attention span is short, a briefer version is preferable: Look man, I don’t know if you were trying to show off as the alpha male or whatever rubbish, but what I do know for sure is that you yanked my arm like you wanted to rip it off. Everyone saw it and that’s extremely rude. And that’s a fact. And instead of apologizing you are hiding yourself. Whatever. But make sure you don’t do that shit again with me. You deliver it sternly but unemotionally. You want to look like you mean it and there’s no fucking around, but you can’t sound like he got under your skin. If you deliver it even half properly, it’s very powerful. And then drop the mic. People will side with you If he apologies, great. You won! If he still doesn’t apologize, you brought his move into broad daylight and the group will be on your side (example where standing up to the bully made Noah the new group leader) because most people resent bullies and gratuitous aggression – parallels can be found in primates as well-. Indeed science tells us people prefer value giving leaders to aggressive ones, and when you antagonize the bully you’re almost automatically the good leader. The Alpha Male Handshake in the club

You cannot easily speak in a club or loud environment, so prevention is even more important. Your best prevention tools will be to: 1. Learn to read body language for prevention 2. Becoming a man people don’t want to tool That wasn’t certainly me years back in my first encounter with an Alpha Male Handshake. I was trying to look all cool against the bar when a girl came over and brought me into her group -don’t you just love Eastern European girls, albeit we can’t exclude it was all a ploy to make his man jealous :)-. #1 Body language & Prevention Possibly exhausted trying to look cool, and my inebriated mind not helping, I missed the clear signs of an Alpha Male Handshake coming. Ant’s usually not difficult to spot. In my case, the meathead was not that different from the picture below :). [Image: Alpha male ready to shake hands] When an Alpha Male Handshake is in the cards here’s a nice trick: don’t engage. Don’t shake hands at all. [Image: how to avoid shaking hands] Just say “hey man” and put two fingers to your forehead. Or “hey man, nice muscles” and pat him on the back. And if you fall for it and don’t have power to match… Boy, that’s gonna stretch your learning curve now :). #2: Let it be So here we are, you fell for it. He crushed your hand. And yanked you. A few times. And he’s not letting go. Unless you do something, you’re kissing goodbye to any shred of good status in this group. This is the key word here, because If you don’t care about the group then you can just leave. Shake your head with a look of contempt, exhale and gesture as if to say “how cheap”.

It won’t be easy rebuilding your self-esteem from there, but it’s great training. Mentally, develop yourself to decouple self esteem from results. And then let actions do the talking and go get better opportunities: the best revenge is massive success. #3: Attack If you care about this group or you know most people around, then you gotta consider your reputation (5th Law of Power). It means you gotta consider evening the odds and getting physical. I know, I know, you’re not that kind of person, he’s bigger, there are people… I know there are many excuses (this cat had all of those and some more). But here’s a video for something you can do. You can watch it but you won’t probably remember in the heat of the moment. But worry not, you don’t need perfect execution and you don’t even need to “win”. You simply need to send the message you won’t allow anyone to walk all over you without returning (some) fire. The Alpha Male handshake in politics Preparation rules the rooster in politics more than anywhere else. Politicians all prepare, Macron openly admitted it (not the smartest move, if you ask me). Here are a few things you can do when facing the possibility of an Alpha Male Handshake: Get physically closer: you’re not gonna lose your balance Place one hand on his shoulder Grab his hand with both your hands Slip your hand fully into his hand and put more power than you normally would and Smile with strong unwavering eye contact Here are some successful real-life examples: Alpha Male Handshake contest #1 Trudeau VS Trump Trudeau’s hand on Trump’s shoulder achieves two purposes: 1. Avoids being taken off balance by the yanking and 2. Strikes preemptively entering Trump’s personal space. Alpha Male Handshake contest #2 Rahmon VS Trump Pure power in play: look how Tajikistan president played ball: Alpha Male Handshake Contest #3 Macron VS Trump

Macron got burned on his first outing but learned the lesson: on round 2 he slips his hand fully inside Trump’s hand, powers his grip, holds longer than expected and adds strong eye contact to boot: Read here the full details of Trump VS Macron. Matching = Winning When you neutralize a Power Move, YOU end up being on top. It’s because the Power Mover chose to use shenanigans, not you. He tried and failed, you matched and succeeded. It’s like Mohammad Ali famous whispering into his opponent ear: Ali: That all you got George? And, inherent to the power of matching and succeeding: who knows, maybe you had some left to spare in the tank. Summary You learned what an Alpha Male Handshake means, that you have to match or retaliate, and you learned some effective ways to do so. A quick recap: Prevent it: Radiate “friendly confidence” in a way that people won’t wanna mess with you Read body language and when an Alpha Male Handshake is likely to come: match power, put a hand on their shoulder and close physical distance or don’t offer handshake If you get caught out: Do your best to match and one up him socially with a well placed joke at his expense or Call the move out in the open, make him apologize or state that’s the first and last time he dares If no verbal counter-move is possible, physically end the grip Enjoy standing up for yourself Related

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Filed Under: Social Power Moves Tagged With: aggressive handshake, alpha handshake, Alpha Male Handshake, Dominant Handshake, Handshake Power Move, Trudeau VS Trump, Trump handshake [Image: lucio founder of the power moves] About the Author: Lucio Buffalmano Lucio is a social scientist, member of APA and a perpetual researcher of human nature. He teaches power dynamics because he believes that to be good, you first need to learn how to be bad. ThePowerMoves.com is where this new breed of leaders come to train. Power University About Contact T&Cs Privacy Refund Policy Copyright The Power Moves© 2020 · Log in

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You've been randomly selected to try out the new Textise Preview version. Opt in to use this every time. The Preview version features faster loading times and other upcoming improvements. During this extremely difficult time, we at Textise urge everyone to stay safe and adhere to your government's regulations concerning the pandemic. You can get the latest information about the Novel Coronavirus at the World Health Organisation (WHO) site (text-only view). This page has been Textised with the Preview version! The original page address was https://thepowermoves.com/make-him-value-more/ For sharing use ... Here are some options: Back to original page (in this window | in a new window) Convert this page to a PDF Print this page Textise Home Page (full version | text only version) Textise Options Page (choose font size, font colour, etc.) Are you a webmaster? Find out how to easily add Textise to your web site. Skip to main content Underpriced's offer is ending. Price jumps in 24 hours. Enroll before it's too late. The Power Moves Power dynamics, life strategies, and owning your life. Start Here Power Definitions Blog Social Power Dynamics Career Strategies Dating For Women Dating For Men Relationships Resources Speed Learning Power University Seduction University Forum Join In!

10 Mindf*ck Ways To Make Him Value You More February 12, 2018 By Lucio Buffalmano Are you wondering how to make him realize your worth? You have come to the right place. Before we start, let me warn you: this article is heavy on mind games, and it’s highly manipulative. As a general rule, I don’t recommend you engage in heavy manipulation and nasty dating power moves. But if so far you have been too naive, it can help you understand power dynamics a little bit better, and defend yourself better. [Image: man kneels with red bouquet in front of blonde woman] Contents Two Ways to Make Him Value More #1. Let Him Come To You #2. Disqualify His Crown Jewel #3. Triangulation: Show Other Men DO See Your True Worth #4. Tell Him That He Scraped By: You Were The Chooser #5. Tell Him He Was a Such Dork (But You Loved Him Anyway) #6. Talk About Your Wonderful Exes #7. Build Them Up For Unmanly Traits: He’s A Cuddle Monster #8. Undermine His Achievements #9. Pinch His Baby Fat #10. Ashton Kutcher Is The Hottest (Not You) #11. Break Up With Him Bonus: You Like Him Because He Recognizes How Great You Are Please Note: Two Ways to Make Him Value More From a general perspective, there are two ways to make him value you more: 1. Increase your (perceived) value 2. Decrease his value Often, they overlap. But the second is nasty and rooted in manipulation and games, while the first can be rooted in true self-development. Let’s start: #1. Let Him Come To You Oh there you are, I hadn’t seen you!

Kara King in The Power of the Pussy says the natural order of things is that men make the move, women make the choosing. That dynamic starts from the smallest detail: who’s looking at whom. Predators peer at their preys. Don’t be the predator, let him look at you first. On for the first date, do what most smart women do: pretend you can’t find him and let him come to you while you look around, walk or check your phone. Once a woman I was waiting for at the entrance of an underground station walked a few meters past me like she was catwalking. Then she stopped 10 meters ahead, looked around and pretended to stop there waiting. 98% of the guys would have fallen for it, admired her catwalking skills and thought how lucky they were to go out with her. Consider doing the same. #2. Disqualify His Crown Jewel No, I don’t mean his penis as crown jewel -unless that’s his most obvious quality, in which case, yes, the penis-. The crown jewel is the main quality that makes him attractive, the main trait that stands out or the main posession that he’s most proud of. The idea is that you take his best quality and trivialize it while at the same time implying he needs more. So imagine he’s a very wealthy man and that’s his most glaring quality. So you’d tell him something like: You: I hope you’re not one of those guys who thinks money makes him special It does a few great things for you: Denies his “advantage” Tells him he needs to come up with something else (qualifying and complying to you) Sets yourself as the judge Communicates you need more Communicates you look beyond superficial stuff All in one, nice. Now, the most astute guys will not jump through your hoops. And yet, even those, they can’t help but to start valuing you more. Here’s an example of a girl executing this game with me:

[Image: text example on how to control men in relationships] This worked especially well because a few of my pictures tend to be “poser” pictures, so she made me slightly insecure and gave her more power and control. I cared more for her opinion, wanted more for her to “accept me” in spite of my pictures, which also made me value her more. #3. Triangulation: Show Other Men DO See Your True Worth You know this one. Cialdini and countless studies leave little room for doubters: people want what other people also want. And the dating marketplace, is no exception. It might be a bit abused and everyone knows it, so use it with caution. Best is if you get him to see it first hand. And that’s why the best places to use this technique are night venues where people naturally approach each other. Don’t always stand close to him hand in hand, but take some distance. Is he going to get drinks? Stand outside the queue and look languishingly at some guy. When they come to approach you, make polite conversation. And when he will come back with the drinks and see you talking to another man… You can rest assured he will get into a more defensive mindset. And yes, he will also value you more. You can’t lose if you do it well: no matter how handsome he is, if you dress sexy a woman will always get more approaches. #4. Tell Him That He Scraped By: You Were The Chooser …. He can count his lucky stars! This is the main idea: Communicate that you were assessing him hard before you gave him a chance. One more mistake there, on blunder here… And he would have gotten the chop. No need to do it confrontationally. The positive message you want to convey is that you liked him and cheered for him, but you have very high standards and he had a few moments. He was under heavy scrutiny. That’s the message. Look at this Tinder date example. She was too childish and I was close to walking. But the fact that she displayed such high standards, that was a huge point for her. [Image: how to make him value more]

Rejecting someone raises your value. Almost rejecting him raises your value, lowers his… And still makes him happy that he made the cut. Win, win, and win again! To communicate high standards, here’s a couple examples: You: There was that guy with the pony tail hair you were talking to… If he was your friend I’d never have given you my number If you’re already in a more advanced stage you can look at some situation in your dating past and say: You:When I asked you to help me and you weren’t sure… I’m glad you came through or we wouldn’t be here now Now on to the next. #5. Tell Him He Was a Such Dork (But You Loved Him Anyway) If the relationship progresses you will eventually get to talk about the first time you meet, and what you thought about each other. Never say you thought he was a catch, cool or, God forbid, that you were scheming to meet him. That makes him the prize of the relationship. Say you thought he was a bit of a dork instead. If he was cool, say you weren’t sure about him because he looked so try-hard. He won you over time instead. You’re super happy with him, but it’s not like he swept you off your feet… But hey, he’s great. That’s the message. #6. Talk About Your Wonderful Exes There is a tendency for couples to match up around the same overall value. Thus, having great exes, is a great way to make him realize your worth. Communicating you had great exes does a few good things: Signals you’re a high value woman Implies you can get equally amazing men And, as well, if he doesn’t have strong inner confidence: Keeps him insecure Some men play this on women anyway. From a message of an ex fling of mine, talking about his new boyfriend:

[Image: text example of triangulation games men play] Man using the male version of “my studdy ex” game The opposite is also true. If you make him feel like he is something special compared to your exes he will feel like you are punching about your weight with him. Even in the best-case scenario, he might feel like the main rooster in your life, and might let himself go. Where else would you go, he will think. He will acquire an attitude and potentially even treat you more poorly. Do like Summer instead, that’s a nice roster of exes she parades: I hope you too, you had a “Puma” of a boyfriend ;). #7. Build Them Up For Unmanly Traits: He’s A Cuddle Monster Some men need to feel superior. And, unluckily, for the most abusive of them, that means pushing you down. These guys are egotists. Meaning they have high self-esteem and big big egos, but also very fragile egos. You don’t want to enter into a race to who’s lower down, but at the same time you don’t want them to feel too good, or they will never come to respect you and recognize your value. Solution? Build them up. But NOT for personal qualities which do not help the relationship. If he’s intelligent and worldy, don’t look at him doe-eyed while he explain things. That will only make him feel like you’re not smart enough. If he is a gym type, ripped guy, never show yourself too thirsty or too into his abs, muscles or, God forbid, package. Instead, treat him more like a big cuddly bear. When you negate his mostly mannish qualities and slot him for good in the big teddy bear you effectively defang him. And in a very sneaky way, too: he’d never even suspect anything. #8. Undermine His Achievements This is nasty.

But the guys who are least likely to recognize your worth often do so because they are too into themselves. Blinded by what they believe are their own huge achievements, they fail to even take your value into account. To help them value you more, you need to help them down from their own self-constructed high horse. You can do it without starting a war by indirectly point out flaws he might be self conscious about. Example: Years ago when I was dumb and inexperienced a girl told me we could go somewhere… If I’d go pick her up. … And I felt inadequate for not having a car. You can use the same concept when you need to shorten the distance between you and him. Ask for things he can’t provide, compare him with people he can’t stack up with, and talk of an underwhelming past. All things that will cool down “Mr. too hot to handle”. The first step, like my former GF’s crush says, is to never show you’re impressed, which lowers your market value: It doesn’t matter how ripped / rich / smart he is. You can always take him down a peg or two by unearthing some shortcomings: You: Oh that’s a cool Olympic size swimming pool. Is it warmed up for winter swimming? Or: You: Oh, professor and author, nice. Maybe you know X guy in your field who wrote Y best-seller. I really like him The secret here is to make your comments seem nonchalant, natural and off-hand. Powerful stuff. #9. Pinch His Baby Fat Here is when I fully realized the insidious power that this mind game has on people: My ex girlfriend was fit and I loved her legs. I thought it was fun to grab her well defined calves and comment “chub chub” as a joke. We both laughed about it. Then one day she told me to stop or that would make her insecure. She was too embarrassed to tell me earlier. There was nothing which could have realistically made her insecure. But that made me think how even the most innocent looking gesture can have far

reaching consequences. You can use the same principle to deflate him. Stereotypes are often the easiest to sheath with a joking semblance: Scrawny book warm? Tell him if you should also carry his luggage too Gym rat checking the grocery bill? Stroke his head and joke you’ll call an accountant to support Dark-skinned BF gets haughty? He might need some vitamin D shots #10. Ashton Kutcher Is The Hottest (Not You) Someone else is on Mount Olympus. He can come back to earth I like understanding people, and that includes their tastes. A conversation I like to have early with women is who they think are the hottest men (and women) around. I remember asking an ex girlfriend of mine who she thought were the hottest guy on Hollywood. We were left with two people, so we get to finally crown the N.1. Me: So who’s the hottest then, X or Kutcher? She: Well, is there really anyone hotter than Ashton Kutcher? As you notice, I can’t remember who was the second. But I do somehow remember she was so into Kutcher :). Basically, she had me admit I wasn’t N.1. You cannot do this with his friends, but with actors and celebs it’s fine (and if it’s not fine you should re-evaluate him). #11. Break Up With Him [Image: man tries to convince girlfriend to stay] Super high risk, super high reward. But some men only realize that they need you when they don’t have you anymore. And plenty marriages followed a break up, when the woman gained more power and when the man realized he truly wanted her. Albeit this might seem like a huge power move, if you are not getting your needs met, I actually recommend that you break up. It’s a very strong way of putting the ball in his court. However, there is a skill in how you use this move. You need to make him understand that you like him, but that until he is unable to give you what you need, you simply can’t stay. Something like this:

You: I love you, and I always will. And at the same time, I also love and respect myself. If you cannot do the same, then you are forcing me to move on. If in the future you will change your mind, please let me know. Goodbye my love. Mic drop, exit. If he liked you, he will realize your worth when you’re not there. And if he comes back, chances are that he will treat you much better. Bonus: You Like Him Because He Recognizes How Great You Are This is an interesting gambit. Dale Carnegie says that to promote the behavior you want to see, you need to tell people they already have that behavior. So if he fails to recognize your true worth, maybe you want to suggest him that he is already is seeing your true worth. For example, you can tell him that the reason why you like him so much is because both of you appreciate your true worth. That he recognizes you that you are an accomplished woman, a pious girl, a respectful lady… Or whatever it is that you feel sets you apart. Please Note: If you need to use these dark psychology techniques too often, you need to consider you might be dating a poor partner or that you are a poor partner. These techniques to make him value more are best served for: Knowledge sake Friends / colleagues you can’t avoid Short term flings Sparingly with boyfriends who self aggrandize A swallow doesn’t make summer so even great men can have a moment of weakness or can unconsciously try to make you feel inferior. In those cases, it’s good to know how to even the odds and let them have a taste of their own medicine. But if you often have to play these games, then you need to reconsider that guy. If it happens more than very rarely, you’re in a combative relationship or possibly even in an abusive relationship. If your man is busier putting you down than building you up. That’s the definition of a toxic relationship. And you should probably not look for ways to “balancing it” because it will only take you into you a downward spiral and will make you a worse human being.

That’s why increasing your value or decreasing his value are actually two faces of the same coin. It’s because they both focus on who’s better in a sort of competition-fueled race. The healthy relationship is different. The healthy relationship is about adding value to each other. He builds you up and you build him up. That’s the kind of relationship you deserve. I recommend you also check: How to control relationships and maintain attraction How women control relationships Mind games men play How to mindf*ck a guy Related

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1 Filed Under: Dating, Dating For Her, Relationships, Social Power Moves Tagged With: how to let him know my value, how to make him appreciate you more, how to make him chase you , how to make him value you more, how to make my boyfriend value me, make him realize your value, techniques to make him appreciate her more, what to do when he disrespects me, what to do when he doesn't appreciate me, what to do when he doesn't value me [Image: lucio founder of the power moves] About the Author: Lucio Buffalmano Lucio is a social scientist, member of APA and a perpetual researcher of human nature. He teaches power dynamics because he believes that to be good, you first need to learn how to be bad. ThePowerMoves.com is where this new breed of leaders come to train. Power University About Contact T&Cs Privacy Refund Policy Copyright The Power Moves© 2020 · Log in

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You've been randomly selected to try out the new Textise Preview version. Opt in to use this every time. The Preview version features faster loading times and other upcoming improvements. During this extremely difficult time, we at Textise urge everyone to stay safe and adhere to your government's regulations concerning the pandemic. You can get the latest information about the Novel Coronavirus at the World Health Organisation (WHO) site (text-only view). This page has been Textised with the Preview version! The original page address was https://thepowermoves.com/be-bad-to-be-good/ For sharing use ... Here are some options: Back to original page (in this window | in a new window) Convert this page to a PDF Print this page Textise Home Page (full version | text only version) Textise Options Page (choose font size, font colour, etc.) Are you a webmaster? Find out how to easily add Textise to your web site. Skip to main content Underpriced's offer is ending. Price jumps in 12 hours. Enroll before it's too late. The Power Moves Power dynamics, life strategies, and owning your life. Start Here Power Definitions Blog Social Power Dynamics Career Strategies Dating For Women Dating For Men Relationships Resources Speed Learning Power University Seduction University Forum Join In! To Be Good, You First Need to Be Bad: Here’s Why

March 31, 2018 By Lucio Buffalmano A big tenet of this website is that to be a force for good in the world, you have to learn how to be bad. The concept of facing evil as a necessity for good is not simply a matter of philosophy, but there’s enough empirical evidence to prove it. The first part of this post will address the quantitative, more empirical side. The second part will address the question more from the individual point of view. Contents An Empirical Case For Mastering Evil 1. Abusive & Too Nice Strategies Die Out 2. Conditional Cooperation Wins 3. Retaliation is Required Too Nice Is The Root of Evil The World Needs Good Men With Capacity for Evil More Evil In Real World Why You Must Master Evil 1. Mastering Evil Prevents Abuse 2. You Remove Yourself From The Easy Target List 3. You Respect Yourself More 4. The Only Way to Do Good The Hero Journey Summary An Empirical Case For Mastering Evil The Evolution of Cooperation is a famous paper in Evolutionary Psychology circles. It has been a great milestone used to explain, with empirical evidence, why humans present altruistic behavior in the face of otherwise selfish genes (also read: The Moral Animal). The experiment is a computer program running a simplified version of negotiations also known as iterated Prisoner’s dilemma. Many different negotiation strategies were pitted against each other. [Image: prisoner dilemma and tit for tat] By Christopher X Jon Jensen (CXJJensen) & Greg Riestenberg (Own work) [CC BY-SA 3.0 (https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0)], via Wikimedia Commons In brief, these were the main types of strategies: Some negotiation strategies tried to defect as much as possible to get maximum selfish pay off (cheating, in human terms); Some strategies were very highly cooperative (too nice, in human terms); sSme were middle of the roads (shall we say, assertively win-win, in human terms).

This study is highly relevant to both social skills and cooperation because: 1. Much of social relations are based on value exchanges 2. We often find ourselves negotiating conflicting interests The results are also highly interesting in terms of “nice” VS “abusive” strategies as they allow, up to a certain point, to draw some parallels with human behavior. And the results are very telling: 1. Abusive & Too Nice Strategies Die Out After millions of iterations the strategies skewed towards maximum pay off -let’s call them “abusive”- die out. And the same fate awaits to highly cooperative strategies -let’s call them “too nice”-. Who wins, then? 2. Conditional Cooperation Wins The strategy that won out, TIT FOR THAT, could be interpreted as a middle of the road, sort of an “assertive win-win”. Read more on TIT FOR TAT strategies, but in a nutshell it works like this: 1. First it cooperates 2. It keeps cooperating with those who cooperate 3. It retaliates with those who cheat 4. It starts from from scratch after the retaliation 3. Retaliation is Required “Tit for tat” embodies, empirically, the central thesis of this post (and a central tenet of this website). And that is that to allow cooperation and win-win you need to be able to punish and cast aside the abusers of this world. There have been more elaborate techniques that eventually beat “Tit for tat”, but they all included the capacity of cooperating as a default while defending and isolating abusers (for a good overview see Ridley, 1996). For cooperation to even exist, evil must be met with evil Too Nice Is The Root of Evil [Image: alien invasion] Helplessness to evil invites evil (and gives evil the world) As the empirical experiments show, highly cooperative strategies (“very nice”, in human terms) are the best for everyone IF everyone else around were to be equally very nice.

But it’s important to notice that, unless forever ring-fenced, naively cooperating environment are at high danger of being invaded and taken over by opportunistic cheats. Indeed, as long as an abusive alien force can penetrate a highly agreeable system, the agreeable players will be relegated to ever increasing indigence, enslavement and, eventually, extinction. Indeed a dishonest strategy seeping into a cooperative-only strategy (too nice strategy) would make easy picking of everyone who can’t retaliate. Unable to defend themselves, the too nice people of this world succumb to the self-centered, evil player. The World Needs Good Men With Capacity for Evil When we extrapolate the results of game theory, we get a bleak outlook for virtues without capacity for evil. Because if people with good intentions don’t arm themselves with the tools and knowledge to mustering evil when it’s necessary, than this world is mathematically doomed to be run by evil people. No wonder that so many people around the world lost all faith in the political class: it seems like getting to the top automatically filters out the good players. Which is indeed something that happens when systems become rotten to the core. Mathematically indeed, it’s impossible to infiltrate a cheat-only system with a collaborative strategy (unless many collaborative players enter it at once). More Evil In Real World There’s one more twist. The simulation probably makes it harder for abuse to pay off. “Tit for tat” for example plays multiple rounds with fixed payouts. But what if one could win big once without retribution? Or cheat without anyone else knowing it? Indeed, abusive behavior is more likely to pay off socially when: Nobody knows you have cheated The other player cannot retaliate You will never meet the other player again You can win huge and give back little when retaliated against You will notice that any of the above are common instances in life. An abuser who is able to legally -but not ethically- take advantage of someone else, for example, will often face no retribution. What’s left to do, then? Why You Must Master Evil

By mastering evil I am referring to: 1. The ability to recognize evil when you see it 2. The strength, and skills, to withstand it (avoid it or destroy it) 3. The ability to act evil, when needed Once you can do that, it will do a myriad of great things for you, the people around you, and the world at large: 1. Mastering Evil Prevents Abuse When you know how to recognize dishonest players, you are also more likely to defuse them or even beat them at their own game. It’s a little bit like martial arts training. You will be able to spot the signs of aggression and are more likely to respond calmly and confidently. Which, overall, lowers the chances a fight will ever be needed. 2. You Remove Yourself From The Easy Target List Who do abusers prey on? Mostly on people who are easy to prey on, of course. When you can read the signs of dishonesty and cruelty and are able to send back equally powerful signals, you are less likely to become a prey. And if everyone were able to withstand evil, evil will cease to pay off. And cease to exist. If you’re unable to muster evil, you’re enabling evil to exist 3. You Respect Yourself More As Jordan Peterson, author of 12 Rules For Life , explains: if you are too nice, too agreeable and too passive in the face of abuse, you will pay the price emotionally.

All that action that you’re not taking, all that anger you’re bottling up makes you become bitter and resentful. Peterson says that if you’re harmless you’re not virtuous. There’s no virtue in being harmless. But if you’re a monster without acting monstrously, then you’re virtuous. And, I would add, if you can be a monster and act virtuously, then you’re a hero. Why don’t you be a hero instead. 4. The Only Way to Do Good Ultimately, I believe, you can’t do good in any meaningful way without being able to be bad when the time calls for it. I’m afraid it’s again simple logic that supports this statement: the higher you aim, the more you will have to contend with evil.

Your success will attract lots of great people and great opportunities. But also the swindlers, the resentful haters, and the vultures looking for easy spoil. And of course, it might be the case that unfair competitors won’t stop at anything trying to squash you. It derives that you cannot spread love at scale if you cannot destroy the evil that stands in the way. [Image: evil and angels: you need to be bad] The better angels of our nature are useless if they can’t confront evil The Hero Journey If you’re being too agreeable, or have dreams to improve the world for good… Chances are that you need a dark side to enable your goals to come to fruition. It’s not necessarily easy. Becoming a hero for good also requires incredible mental power and mental control. You must become impermeable and control your state of mind so that dealing with the scum of this world will not infect your mood and your mission for good. As Nietzsche says: when you stare into the abyss, the abyss stares back at you. Meaning you risk to internalize evil in a way that you lose your enlightened way. But don’t let that stop you: internalizing the power of destruction and aggression, and yet pushing ahead for good is the ultimate conquest of the hero. You can do it. Please do it. We need people like that. Get your sword. Then keep it sheathed (most of the times). Summary We talked about why you need to be bad. But don’t get this article wrong. This is no place for empty cynicism. That will take you nowhere. There are great people out there, and some will even help you asking for little or nothing in return. But what this article says is that you can’t count on that. And that there will be people who DO will take advantage of you. And you’re better off being prepared for them. Related

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Filed Under: Social Power Theory, Social Skills Tagged With: do you need to be bad?, why you need to be bad, you need to be a badass [Image: lucio founder of the power moves] About the Author: Lucio Buffalmano Lucio is a social scientist, member of APA and a perpetual researcher of human nature. He teaches power dynamics because he believes that to be good, you first need to learn how to be bad. ThePowerMoves.com is where this new breed of leaders come to train. Power University About Contact T&Cs Privacy Refund Policy Copyright The Power Moves© 2020 · Log in

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You've been randomly selected to try out the new Textise Preview version. Opt in to use this every time. The Preview version features faster loading times and other upcoming improvements. During this extremely difficult time, we at Textise urge everyone to stay safe and adhere to your government's regulations concerning the pandemic. You can get the latest information about the Novel Coronavirus at the World Health Organisation (WHO) site (text-only view). This page has been Textised with the Preview version! The original page address was https://thepowermoves.com/dealing-withspontaneous-women/ For sharing use ... Here are some options: Back to original page (in this window | in a new window) Convert this page to a PDF Print this page Textise Home Page (full version | text only version) Textise Options Page (choose font size, font colour, etc.) Are you a webmaster? Find out how to easily add Textise to your web site. Skip to main content Underpriced's offer is ending. Price jumps in 12 hours. Enroll before it's too late. The Power Moves Power dynamics, life strategies, and owning your life. Start Here Power Definitions Blog Social Power Dynamics Career Strategies Dating For Women Dating For Men Relationships Resources Speed Learning Power University Seduction University Forum

Join In! Spontaneous Girls Are Lying: It’s Just A Dating Mind Game April 5, 2018 By Lucio Buffalmano It will not take long before you meet a woman who defines herself as “a spontaneous woman”. Often you will see the “spontaneous girl game” when it comes to dating. Oh yes, because that is a dating game. So much so and so widespread indeed that we can even give it its own name: the “spontaneous girl game”. This article shows you what this psychological game is all about and how you can deal with it. Contents An Example of “Spontaneous Girl” Dating What Spontaneous Really Means Who Are Women Spontaneous With? This Is Who Women Are Spontaneous With Wrong Ways of Dealing With Spontaneity Dealing With “I Like Being Spontaneous” #1. Say Yes & Move On #2. Leave It Up to Her #3. Forcing a Decision Summary An Example of “Spontaneous Girl” Dating “I like being spontaneous” How many times have you heard that sentence from people you’re trying to schedule something with? I was having a couple of beers with the guys yesterday evening, making a pleasant exception to my work schedule and diet regimen. As we drank and chatted, I asked Mark about Anna, a common acquaintance of ours. Mark likes Anna, but they’re friends, so it wasn’t a typical case of setting the date. But don’t get fooled: the dynamics are the same whether it’s friendship or dating. Dating just happens to be more common and more extreme. Mark asked Anna for a couple possible dates when she was free and she replied, you guessed it, that “she prefers being spontaneous”. Mark then did a common mistake guys do: taking her words at face value.

So he pinged her a couple times “spontaneously” and, since this was friendship, he was finally able to find a time. He changed his schedule for Anna, dropped a couple of friends to have some more 1:1 time and then… Then 30 minutes before the “spontaneous date”… She spontaneously canceled. That was the moment when I knew I had to rush out an article on “spontaneous dating”. So let’s begin this spontaneous dating article: What Spontaneous Really Means When someone replies to you they like being spontaneous, don’t read it at face value, but translate it in your head with one of the following: #1. I’m not sure about you… I’m stalling you for a while as I make up my mind Be advised that “for a while” often ends up being “for ever”. #2. I’m not sure about my life I’m not good at reaching decisions. Postponing is my way of deciding. Spontaneity, on those rare occasions, when it’s actually true, communicates a lack of priorities and a clear vision for one’s life. Because, guess what, people with clear goals know what to say yes and no to and they don’t let chance and “spontaneity” get in the way of their goals. #4. I’m politely brushing you off I have difficulties saying no to people. And you’re so cute I’m afraid you might get hurt. So I give you a future maybe. Some people have a hard time saying no. It can be too nice girls, too nice guys or even people with passive aggressive personalities. And they rather deflect the date than say no right away. #4. I’m keeping you in the backburner You’re not my top priority, but I’m keeping you as an option. Maybe you’ll propose to take me shopping. I’d say yes to that? This is the so called “friend zone”. Of course, even if you two are just friends, you still want a relationship of equals, so you shouldn’t be OK with her dictating the tempo 100%.

Also read: Friends, lovers and providers #5. You should chase me: make it easy for me I’m not gonna block any time for you. Try to ping me and if I’m cool with it and I don’t have my period… I might consider you. Be advised that the more times you ping and the more NOs you get, the more she’ll never be free (here’s an article on turning around no ladders). #6. Do more to prove yourself to me I’m not yet fully open to you but start by jumping through my hoops a bit more first. And if I’m entertained enough I might consider it. And here’s a rule of thumb: the more you jump through people’s hoops, the less they respect you. #7. I’m top dog “I like being spontaneous” most of the times is an unconscious power move. But conscious or unconscious, the effects are the same. The party who likes being spontaneous is the party with more power. And the party who accepts it is also accepting the subordinate role in the relationship. After all, think about, who do people want to be spontaneous with? Who Are Women Spontaneous With? If you think about it, who do women -or people in general for that matter- usually give the “spontaneous woman” line to? Bosses? No I bet you those spontaneous people don’t show up late at work saying they like being spontaneous. Even with terrible bosses, if they care about keeping their jobs, they would at least take care of coming up with a more credible excuse. People who can’t wait? Nope.. If our spontaneous friends are flying on vacation somewhere, they probably don’t show up one hour late at the counter telling them they spontaneously wanted to enjoy a wine before checking in. Boyfriends? Neither these guys..

And if they have a boyfriend they like they probably don’t tell their boyfriends they want to be spontaneous when he’s organizing a meal together. As silly as the top 2 might sound, what do all these scenarios have in common? Bosses have power over them Planes don’t wait for them They want to meet their boyfriends (in a healthy relationship, at least) This Is Who Women Are Spontaneous With In short, this is who women (and men as well) pull the spontaneity card with: People who have little power over them People who will wait for them People they are not yet sure are important enough in their life Not sure however doens’t necessarily mean “no”. So here comes the juiciest part of this article: Wrong Ways of Dealing With Spontaneity Here are the most common bad ways of dealing with the “I like being spontaneous” line: Accepting it at face value And chasing after her schedule. That’s cool, I like spontaneous Notice there’s a slight jab in “I like being spontaneous”. And that’s that she’s free and rebellious, and you’re a bit of square. When you say you like her for that, your are rewarding her for impolite behavior, which is the opposite of what you should do. Me too! When you say “me too”, you’re doing a U-turn: you’re dropping your scheduling ways and conforming to her free-flowing standards. And of course, women will like you when you make them U-turn, not when they make you change opinions. Dealing With “I Like Being Spontaneous” You deal with “I like being spontaneous” by refusing to accept it. Three ways: 1. You say yes and never contact her again 2. You leave it up to her

3. You force a decision #1. Say Yes & Move On In the first case, you accept that either you’re not top priority for her, or that she’s a time waster, low quality woman and you move on. #2. Leave It Up to Her If it’s a friend and you want to stay in touch, I think leaving it up to her (or him) might be the best way to go. You simply tell your friend: You: Hey, I understand that you’re busy and it’s difficult to plan in advance. Tell you what, if you want to meet up, ping me when you’re good to go and we’ll see if we can set it up This option tells your friend that you are not going to accept any subordinate role. You expect her to do what both parties are expected to do in a healthy relationship: chip in and contribute. So since she’s the party who can’t make plans, it’s also her who must come up with spontaneous ideas (and not you pinging her). If it’s a dating scenario, I like the third option best: #3. Forcing a Decision I like forcing a decision as you can never be sure who you can move to yes until, well, until you actually push for a final decision. To force a decision, you reject the spontaneous gambit and pin her to an exact date (or to a no thanks). Here’s a great way to do it: You: Oh I totally get you. I used to love being spontaneous too! Now I’m a bit too busy for spontaneity though and I’m afraid it might never happen if we don’t plan (and… That could be a pity). What do you say we set a date instead I love this one. It starts by relating to her and pretending you’re going along. Then it delivers the punch (counter-power move) to re-establish balance in the relationship. That’s when you’re basically telling her she must not have much going on to be spontaneous. But you do have much going on and can’t afford spontaneity.

And then it rebuilds her value a bit to avoid ending on a combative tone, which is the part when you say “I’m afraid it might never happen“.

And ends on a conciliatory tone making it a collaborative effort when you end by asking her to weigh in. Deliver this line and chances are you’ll get a yes. Example of Effective “Spontaneous Girl Handling” And here’s is a successful real life texting example: [Image: i like being spontaneous - text game]

Note: in text keep it short and not too stern: it’s easy coming across the wrong way in text (this is an excerpt of my texting guideline from texts to dates). Also read a case study on handling flaky girls. Summary In this article, we saw that “I like being spontaneous” is often either a brush off or a game to put you in the subordinate role in the relationship. To avoid it, you must not ping her spontaneously but must put the ball in her court or force her on a decision. Best of all, if you deliver it with a counter-power move saying you’re too busy for spontaneity.. But you’d like to see her. So she better let you know her schedule.

P.S.: for a definitive cure to the spontaneous girls, check out the texting guide. Related

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Filed Under: Dating, Dating For Him, Social Power Moves Tagged With: dating spontaneous women, i like being spontaneous , spontaneous dating, spontaneous girls, spontaneous women, what spontaneous really means [Image: lucio founder of the power moves] About the Author: Lucio Buffalmano Lucio is a social scientist, member of APA and a perpetual researcher of human nature. He teaches power dynamics because he believes that to be good, you first need to learn how to be bad. ThePowerMoves.com is where this new breed of leaders come to train.

Power University About Contact T&Cs Privacy Refund Policy Copyright The Power Moves© 2020 · Log in

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You've been randomly selected to try out the new Textise Preview version. Opt in to use this every time. The Preview version features faster loading times and other upcoming improvements. During this extremely difficult time, we at Textise urge everyone to stay safe and adhere to your government's regulations concerning the pandemic. You can get the latest information about the Novel Coronavirus at the World Health Organisation (WHO) site (text-only view). This page has been Textised with the Preview version! The original page address was https://thepowermoves.com/microaggression/ For sharing use ... Here are some options: Back to original page (in this window | in a new window) Convert this page to a PDF Print this page Textise Home Page (full version | text only version) Textise Options Page (choose font size, font colour, etc.) Are you a webmaster? Find out how to easily add Textise to your web site. Skip to main content Underpriced's offer is ending. Price jumps in 12 hours. Enroll before it's too late. The Power Moves Power dynamics, life strategies, and owning your life. Start Here Power Definitions Blog Social Power Dynamics Career Strategies Dating For Women Dating For Men Relationships Resources Speed Learning Power University Seduction University Forum Join In!

10 Techniques Against Microaggression October 24, 2020 By Lucio Buffalmano Microaggressions include all the little annoying, daily power moves that you are not sure whether to address or not, and how to address. Well, you should address them, and this post will teach you how. First, though, what are microaggressions? Microaggressions are sometimes defined in racial terms, like this one: [Image: microaggression text example] If you let these microaggressions slip, you -and the people aroundinternalize the frame of “German superiority” and, consequently, of your inferiority. Microaggressions are also a battle of the mind But we’re not dealing just with racism here, and we address microaggression in a larger context. The reason is simple: anyone can be a victim of microaggressions, and every well-meaning individual deserves empowerment -we don’t fall for white guilttripping or for babying virtue-signaling “support” on this website-. Contents Microaggression: Definition Microaggression & Calibration Miscalibrations Against Microaggression Answering To Microaggressions #1. Surfacing Technique #2. Show Me The Hand Technique #3. Give Them Rope #4. Shame Them With Vulnerability #5. Ignore With Neutral Statements (One-Crosses) #6. Go Meta: Explain Their Game #7. Reframe It Into A Positive #8. “Affectionate Dominance” #9. Use Sarcasm VS Sarcasm #10. Fight Fire With Fire (Mirror Technique) Why Mastering Microaggressions Summary Microaggression: Definition We define microaggression as: Aggressions, insults, or generally value-taking social behavior expressed in covert or indirect forms, and characterized by low to moderate intensity of aggression.

In “microaggression” we include: Covert aggressions / covert power moves / covert frames Passive-aggressiveness / frenemies Social climbing / power scalping Undermining / Status scalping Micro revenge Teasing / mean jokes / ballbusting / micro one-uppings Smaller shit tests / loyalty tests For simplicity, in more vernacular and slang terms, think of all these types of microaggressions as “the little shit” people play. They are not overly aggressive, or super obvious, but they do are annoying, they do harm relationships, and they do disempower you. The crucial skills to deal with them are: 1. Power dynamics awareness, to see microaggression: the ability to see and feel the microaggressions 2. Social calibration, to avoid overreacting: the ability to meet microaggressions at the appropriate level, not weak or, as it’s more often the case with microaggression, not overreactive 3. Smart social strategies, to deal with microaggressions effectively: the techniques to effectively deal with microaggression, and come out winning (or win-winning, when possible) This website takes care of No.1, the general power-awareness. And this article covers No.2 and No.3, the calibration and social strategies for microaggressions. Why We Consider Them Together The above list of “little everyday power moves” are not all exactly the same. But there is more power in looking at the similarities, since: 1. Addressing them separately adds unneeded complexity and leads to analysis-paralysis 2. They’re all similar enough, that we can use similar strategies for them all Looking at them as a whole also cuts your learning curve, while improving your social effectiveness. To show you why they’re similar, let’s see a quick example. Take a snarky comment like this: You: Damn, I lost my wallet and I had everything in it Him: Well, if you keep ignoring what I say… This is all of them:

It’s passive-aggressive: That’s textbook passive-aggression It’s a microaggression: It’s a low-intensity blame game that only adds grief to an already bad situation It’s a micro one-up: It indirectly says “I know better, hence you better listen to me” It’s a micro-revenge: “You didn’t listen to me, you had it coming, and now I’m rubbing it in” It’s power scalping: Takes advantage of an unfortunate circumstance to look better by comparison It’s covert aggression: If you get angry, it’s easy to duck under cover with something like “chill man, I’m just saying” (or: “I’m just saying ’cause I care, it wasn’t me who lost it”) Microaggression & Calibration To deal with microaggressions, we must first understand microaggression. And the best and quickest way to understand it, is to introduce the aggression scale. The Aggression Scale [Image: thermometers rising] Picture the aggression scale as the following: Negative level: Submits / give power away / empowers you / etc. Level 0. Neutral: Does not take nor remove any power from you Levels 1./2. Nano-aggression: Non-value taking joke, light teasing, etc. Levels 3./4./5. Microaggression: one-upping / value-taking jokes & teasing / rubbing it in / etc. Level 6./7./8. Aggression: Direct talk aggression / shunning & isolating / aggressive “pathologizing” / highly status damaging “jokes”/ etc. Level 9. Hostility: Threats / threatening body language / shouting / highly offensive remarks / anger-fueled rants / etc. Level 10. Physical aggression: Let’s leave this out now, and it concerns less than 0.01% of social interactions anyway In the aggression scale there is a link between: Aggression Intensity / effort Directness Offensiveness / value-taking Ownership / cover Higher levels in the scale also tend to be more direct, as well as requiring more effort and more personal ownership. There are exceptions, though. Body language is one of them. Since it can be quite offensive and value-taking, while

still being low-effort and easy to deny (high-cover): [Image: example of microaggression body language with meme] Sneering or smiling at someone is a nasty judge power move that says “you’re not good enough”. But, since it’s low-effort and covert, it’s a microaggression that can be very unnerving And because some covert microaggressions can be very unnerving as well as status-sapping, many people tend to escalate covert microaggressions with direct talk or aggression. The problem with that? It’s a problem of directness and calibration. Just take a look at the scale, and it becomes apparent: The mistake that many people do when dealing with microaggression, is that they answer to covert microaggression (low in the scale) with overt aggression (high in the scale). This concept is key to the solution. So let’s analyze it better. Miscalibrations Against Microaggression First, a note: It’s possible to be too passive and submissive in the face of microaggression. And that’s equally a mistake. However, since the issue with over-submission is more obvious, we will address here less obvious mistake of over-reaction. #1. Fight Microaggression With Aggression = Too Much In this box, you’re thin-skinned and overreactive Here is a chart to make it clearer: The X-axis represents the scale of intensity of aggression, emotion, and effort He attacks you at a 4 level. You answer at a 7. What’s the result? When you answer to a level 4 microaggression with a level 7 aggression, that leaves you at a +3 of aggression and effort. Such, as you effectively become the aggressor. And you expend too much effort on a micro-aggressor, which makes you look overreacting, and it disempowers you.

Of course, social strategies are contextual. And in certain situations, you might want to be the aggressor. But often, you don’t - not at work, for example, and usually not with friends, or relationships-. Especially, you don’t want to be the aggressor as a reaction to someone else. Because reacting with aggression to microaggression is the equivalent of letting others push your buttons. Plus, those micro-aggressors might have an agenda. And their agenda, either conscious or unconscious, might be to “get a rise out of you” (see “Berne, 1964“). And you don’t want to play right in the hands of the microaggressors, or you enter a never-ending game of lose-lose (see the combative relationships constant micro-warfare, for example)-. The Over-Aggressive Frame Trap When you answer with a level 7 to a level 4, it’s also easy for a socially astute micro-aggressor to frame you in a negative light. Sure, an escalation might take place, and you might win it. But arguments borne out of smaller stuff are usually lose-lose . When two grownups bicker for nothing, most people around think “what a bunch of morons”. And sometimes, when you use aggression against microaggression, bystanders might actually intervene to defend the microaggressor. For a real-life example, please check this forum entry: Microaggression strategies That was the forum entry that led to this article, by the way. #2. Fight Covert-Aggression With Aggression = WAY too much

In this box, you’re overly aggressive, touchy, or a fool It gets worse: The characteristic of most microaggression is that they are also covert aggression. Such, as it’s easy for the micro-aggressor to retreat and deny their microaggression even existed -you know, there was no malice in their “joke”-. You’ve seen these. It’s the typical: I was just joking Maaan, relax (with a body language of “you’re so freaking tense”) Don’t take it so personally dude

We joke all the times like that, nobody ever takes it so seriously (= you’re the overly-touchy exception here) When micro-aggressors do that, they are effectively retreating under a (fake) kinder and more pro-social cover. Such as: covert aggressors can retreat to an even lower level of aggression, and then you appear even more overly-aggressive by comparison.

When that happens, they look even more innocent, and you look even more thin-skinned, and emotionally out of control. Microaggression is often a lose-lose game, the micro-aggressors don’t really gain that much status. But the problem when you overreact is that you do lose a lot of social status and reputation. From a social-dynamics point of you, you get this: This is the dynamic of a covert aggressor ducking for cover See an example of overreacting to a microaggression: Micro-aggressor: LOL, good to see Max tonight, it took a free dinner to make him came out (frames you as stingy) Over-reactor: Excuse me?? That’s inacceptable dude! What are you implying. I spend as much as anyone else at this table. Take that back and apologize. And you know what comes next: Micro-aggressor: dude, relax man, it was just a joke, what are you getting so hot about, we’re just joking here Since his initial aggression level was low, it’s also possible the micro-aggressor can effectively manage to retreat to a level zero. He might also use this dynamic to launch into a full-fledged defense of the initial frame. For example, he retreats under the “joke” guise, makes you extend and aggress, and then he might provide reasons why you’re stingy (“scorched-earth technique”). And now you’re bickering, the dinner is ruined, and you are defending yourself against a frame that is becoming more and more real. #3. Fight Manipulative Microaggression With Aggression = You’re Burned Wait… It can get even worse. The micro-aggressor can not only deny he meant any harm, but that he had your best interest in mind -or the team’s best interest in mind-.

You can get this at work. For example: Covert aggressor: I’m not criticizing you, I only want to reach the best possible decisions (= maybe you’re about “team you”, but I’m about the whole team) Or in toxic relationships: Covert aggressor: I’m only saying this because I care about you. And instead of appreciating me, you get angry? This is unbeliavable! Now from micro-aggressors, they frame themselves as caring and value-adding. And you become a nasty abuser. It can get very gaslighting. From a social dynamics point of view, you get this: This is the dynamic of “manipulative covert aggression”, and it can get very gaslighting So, are there any solutions? Yes, we get you covered. Answering To Microaggressions Now, this is where the real fun game begins. #1. Surfacing Technique The surface technique consists of drawing them out of their cover. Why? Because you want to remove their cover, and show their true intent. Such as, you want to show them for the nasty players they are. You can execute this technique with very simple and neutral questions, such as: You: What do you mean by that? You: I don’t get it, why are you saying that? You: What’s the irony in that joke, I’m missing it Then, let them explain. The more they explain and wallow in their nasty microaggression games, the more they expand the thread of their own nastiness. Exactly what you want. #2. Show Me The Hand Technique

This technique is similar to surfacing, but higher-power and more assertive. The name “show me the hand” derives from an Italian expression that well describes the dynamics of some forms of covert and microaggressions. The expression is “gettare la pietra e nascondere la mano”. Literally translated is: Throwing the stone and hiding the hand That’s exactly what covert-aggressions are about. So the attitude with this technique is: “if you wanna throw the stone, throw it, but at least have the courage to show me the hand (rather than being a slimy c*nt and hiding)”. You can start drawing them out with a sentence, but with the body language of expecting an explanation: You: (turning towards and looking at them, to amp the social pressure) That sounds quite mean (keep looking at them, expecting a justification) If they pretend not to hear or if they do not reply, you keep insisting: “why did you say that, it sounded mean”. Or even more direct and higher power:

You: What did you just say? Then make them repeat or paraphrase. If they keep hiding their hand, the good old frame-dominance is also an option: Him: I was just joking man You: Well, maybe you were just joking, but it sounded mean Him: Ah come on man, take it easy, don’t overreact You: When I feel offended I want to know why This is good if there are people around, where the status stakes are higher. If it’s just the two of you, you can cut some steps and be more direct. For example, by requesting more assertion: You: Look, if you wanna tell me something, I appreciate straight talk. I’m here, I’m a honest and respectful guy, there’s no need to hide behind a joke

With the bar chart representation we used so far, this is how these two techniques look like (when well-executed): The next technique also leverages “thread expansion”: #3. Give Them Rope

Giving them rope consists of giving them space to be mean. Not counterattacking, but retreating. Get more submissive, make yourself an easier target, encourage them to be even more forward. Why would you ever want to do that? Strategically, if you got a bigger end in mind. For example, in certain environments, over-aggression and nastiness could get them kicked out. So you get rid of an enemy.

Example from the movie “Boiler Room”: Guy 1: (makes a mistake) Power Scalper: takes advantage of the mistake to push him down (“power-scalping”) Guy 1: (does not defend, remains silent, allowing for a natural thread expansion) By remaining silent and taking the full brunt of the aggression, Guy 1 allows the higher power to step in, and get rid of the power scalper. Giving them rope also works if they are micro-aggressing through bragging and social-climbing using you as a “social peg”. In that case, you lose little status, but they lose a lot. For example: Them: Lucio here didn’t know what to do. Unluckily, I wasn’t there You: Yeah, what would you have done if you were there Him: If I was there… (now they are bragging, and nobody likes braggarts) See Power University for a real-life text example. This technique can also work if they are far higher power than you are, since you lose little status when a higher-powered person is attacking you, but the other teammembers might start disliking the nasty boss. Also see: How to get rid of nasty bosses The danger of this technique is losing status: you don’t want people to keep attacking you while you fail to enforce your boundaries. But… It can work if you have a counter-attack ready: #3.2. Scorched Earth Technique Same as giving them rope. But you do it with a plan of counter-attacking. Once they are fully extended, you attack back.

#4. Shame Them With Vulnerability I love this option. Most people victims of microaggressions focus on attacking back. But a great technique is to NOT attack back, but to use the power vulnerability. These are some examples of vulnerability: You: (pause, look saddened after the microaggression) I feel it’s rude to make fun of me like that You: When you talk to me like I’m stupid or inferior, I feel hurt You: I’m shocked you’d say that See Power University for effective uses of vulnerability. #4.2. Shame & Take The Judge Role And of course, a favorite of mine. You refuse to play the aggression game because it’s beneath you. Games of microaggressions don’t exactly make for the best friendships and partnerships and, as an enlightened collaborator, you seek better. So, with this technique, you give them a chance to play at your higher level. And you do so with “collaborative shaming”, plus a good old judge frame. See an example here: Using shame against shit-tests Note: this technique requires some pre-existing power To execute effectively, people should respect you already. If they do, then I recommend this technique, since it pulls up people to your level.

#5. Ignore With Neutral Statements (One-Crosses) With this one, you just let the small-time games fly you past. You don’t submit, but neither do you turn it into a war. Example: Him: Ahaha you really using a calculator for that? (micro one-upping) Her: Yeah, why (